MarksFriggin.com started logging the show in 1996 so there weren't any show rundowns from any years before that... until Howard got control of the K-Rock tapes in 2006 after moving to SIRIUS Satellite Radio. They started playing some of the older shows on Master Tape Theatre so I typed up some rundowns for those shows. Below you'll find the 1991 shows that I did manage to write up...
Howard started off the show talking about how busy their morning was going to be. Leonard Marshall was going to be coming in so Howard could kiss his ass after losing a bet to him. He said that he'll be doing that outside so the fans can see it happen. He said that he's sure that there will be a couple of people out there to watch. He said he's got a shine box to shine Leonard's shoes with too.
Robin said that she's trying to break Howard of this gambling thing that he's doing. He told her that he's done now. He said they'll get to this around 7:30 this morning. He said it's disgusting that he's got to kiss that ass that's probably full of hair.
Howard said he just wanted to get this over with. Tom Chiusano wanted to hold off on it for a few weeks to plan it out better but he doesn't want to wait. He said that if people want to come down and see it, they can come down. He has no desire to set up an event at Madison Square Garden or anything like that. Robin figured she'd stay up there and listen instead of coming down to the street. Howard said she can do that, he knows that she doesn't like the cold.
Howard said he liked the way Jackie was dressed on the show. He spent a minute talking to him about that and mentioned that his wife's friend Gayle, who has a crush on Jackie, thinks that his hair pulled back doesn't look that good.
Howard said he was watching his WWOR show on Saturday night with his wife while they were laying in bed. He said he has to watch it to make sure that they're actually airing the show. He said he was half out of it and his wife started to hyperventilate. He said that he was doing the same thing when they were taping the first few shows but for different reasons. He said that she was very worried about what people were going to think about her appearance on the show. He had to try and calm her down. She realized how hard his job was after going through that.
Howard talked about some of the women that he had on the show and how his wife ended up holding together much better than some of the women he used to date. He said that one of the women used to model and he's not sure what happened with her. He and Robin were talking about some of those women and how they really didn't hold up very well.
Howard said that 20 years is a long time to go without seeing some of those people. He said that's all he was going to say.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who told him he has to get rid of his make up guy, Ralph. Howard said he knows what Ralph was going for with the heavy make up he was using. He said that he doesn't think he was totally wrong with the heavy stuff because he was so washed out looking in that segment. The caller said that his wife asked if Howard had gone on vacation because of that tan he had. Howard said that's true, he did look darker than everyone on the set, even Dee Snider who lives in Florida and is out in the sun every day.
Howard said that Ralph got this make up that goes on easy so he doesn't hurt his neck like he has done in the past. He said he usually dabs it on his Adam's Apple really hard but this new stuff is easier to put on. He said the next thing he knew, he looked like he had a tan. Howard said that he knew he was in trouble when Ralph started to put plates in his lips.
The caller was saying that he's pretty sure that Robin won't be called back into active duty for his new war. He said that she's been out of the service long enough that she doesn't have to worry. Howard and Robin said they're pretty sure of that too.
Howard said he heard that Robin tried to get John Hayes from WNBC to do the show with them. He said that John claims that he didn't fire him but he did have something to do with it. Howard said that you'd think that the guy would just come on and do the show and let bygones be bygones. Robin said that she heard that John was saying that he wished the person luck who was calling him because that person works with Howard.
Howard said that he's a great worker and he doesn't give anyone a problem. He said that he used to deliver great ratings and he'd just come in and do his show and then go home. He said that Hayes used to give him a hard time about the show and he was trying to change it so it sounded more like the rest of the shows on WNBC. He said he'd get into clashes over that but that was about it. He said that he's got Baba Booey working for him and he's screwing up all the time but he doesn't fire him.
Robin said that Hayes was telling them to ask Thornton Bradshaw about the firing but Thornton is dead so they can't ask him about it. Howard said that he's sure that Hayes could have worked with him but all he did was complain about the show all the time. He said that he's a dick. Howard said that he likes how he's going around bad mouthing him even though he knows what he's doing and John doesn't.
Robin said that they were trying to get Kevin Metheney to do the show too but he didn't want to come on either. Howard said that it was very weird having that girl on the show who he had made love to for a couple of weeks. He said that was just very strange because he remembered her as an 18 year old girl. He said it kind of ruined things for him. He said that he did apologize to her but she left and she seemed to be mad or something.
Robin said that she was trying to get him to talk to her about what a louse he had been to her back in college. Howard said that maybe he should call her. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that interview and how she didn't seem to think that he was that much of a louse back then. Howard said that he was though because he was just using her.
Howard asked Gary if he had her number. Gary said he did but she's out on the West Coast so it was only 4:30 in the morning out there.
Robin said that Howard makes her remove the curse words from her news reports and she's not sure why she has to do that. She thinks that if she's reporting on a news story, she should be able to leave that in. Howard said that she's not the one who has to deal with the FCC stuff. He said he's the one that has to take that crap.
Howard took a call from a guy who was saying he was on his car phone. Howard hung up on him and said that he should be concentrating on driving and not talking on his phone. He said those phones are made for emergency use, not to call his show.
Howard took another call from a guy who told them that they should go to a Grateful Dead show when they're in town. Howard didn't want to get into that and hung up on him too.
Howard took another call from a woman who said that they were promoting Judy Tenuta the other day so she went to see her. She said that they asked for drinks at this club and no one knew who their waitress was. She said that it was about an hour into the show and they finally got their orders in. Then the manager came over and they asked him what that was about and he took them outside to talk about it. Howard cut her off and asked her if she knows that there's a war going on and there's mass destruction going on in the world. He said that there's cancer in the world and all kinds of other things that she could be worrying about.
The caller said that they ended up getting thrown out of this club when they complained about the drinks they got when they ordered their two drink minimum. He said that most clubs work like that and you have to get two drinks. Robin said that this woman is trying to blame them for promoting the appearance that Judy Tenuta was making.
Howard said that they have nothing to do with the way those clubs are run but she's trying to blame them for her problems. He said that he thought she was going to complain about Judy's act or something, not about the club and their drinks.
Howard told the woman that he's pretty sure that she has this kind of turmoil going on in her life all the time. She said that she really doesn't. He asked her how old she is and found out she's 23 and had never been married. He told her that she'll probably never get married because she's such an annoying woman. He told her to grow up and hung up on her.
Howard spent a minute talking about what a bunch of nonsense that call was and did an impression of her telling her story. He said that her telling the story was dragged out and she could have gotten it out in two sentences but she just went on and on. Howard said he's not even sure what she wanted him to do about it. He said that he's not sure why people get so upset about the drinks, they can't just sit there and watch a show and get drinks later? He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said he was watching Saturday Night Live the other night after Jackie's show. He asked Jackie if he was upset about his show. Jackie said he was fine with it. That got Howard back into the discussion about the WWOR show and how funny some of the segments were. He said that his parent's segment was very good. He talked about how his father really doesn't talk like he was talking on that show. He said that he's very direct and proper when he's speaking on camera. He said his mother was very good and very natural while telling the stories she had. He said that his dad kept interrupting her and he was the one who should have been interrupted.
Howard said that his dad insists on directing his mother and they do that when they go out to dinner and stuff too. Howard said that his father will go out to dinner and he'll have in mind what he wants to eat before they even go. He told Robin about how he researches his meal ahead of time. He said he becomes this serious guy when they go out and he wasn't like that at home. Robin asked if they have any tape of him being normal at family events and stuff like that. Howard said he might have something like that, he'll have to check.
Robin said that she's seen Howard's father drop a dollar on the floor just so he can get a peek down her blouse. That's the kind of guy he is off the air. Howard said that his mother complains about the direction she gets from Ben all the time.
Howard said he was eating some lentil beans the other day and his mother was telling him that he should be eating them with rice, not with the pasta he was eating. He said that she was directing him on how to eat and doing the same thing with him that his father does with her.
Howard said that his parents put on this serious face when they're on TV and he doesn't get that. He complained about his father correcting his mother when she was telling this story about him that didn't even make it on air. He said that his father is driven nuts when his mother will order a side dish for her main course because they have to explain that to the waiter. He said his father will freak out if they don't order the correct way. He's got this hang up about doing all of that stuff the exact way that he thinks it's supposed to be done. He said that he's the most tense man he's ever met.
Howard said that he'd get all nervous if he didn't order the right way. He said that he'd get his order in and his father would command him to do things the right way. Then his mother would order and do things out of order and ask questions that would make his father shaky. He said his father likes to go out to eat but he thinks that he'd prefer to order for his mother. Howard said that his father likes to yell a lot about that kind of stuff.
Howard read through the commercial he was doing and ended up talking about how he thinks that Jackie's show seems like it's just an extension of his show. Howard said Jackie claims that he has nothing to do with that show, other than hosting it, but he finds that hard to believe. He ended up complaining about WOR and saying that he really doesn't care about the rest of the station, just about his own show.
Howard was trying to read the commercial he had but the phone number area code was wrong. Instead of 201 it was written up as 210. He said they think that he'll have some fun with that stuff when they screw it up but it's just not right.
Jackie told Howard about hanging out with Stuttering John outside of the show. He said that John had said that he didn't think his friend Berf liked him. Jackie told a story about him and it didn't make much sense so Howard went off on him and told him he doesn't want to hear about his friend Berf on the show anymore.
Howard asked about his ass and wondered if it had any herpes or anything on there. Leonard assured him that he was clean and he had nothing to worry about. He joked that he hadn't wiped this morning so he was in for something down there. He said that he actually did go to the bathroom this morning and it was one of those silent but deadly ones.
Howard asked Leonard if he really went to the bathroom this morning. He said that he did but he showered afterward. Howard heard that Leonard has gone endorsement crazy lately. Leonard said he isn't a whore or anything but he is doing some endorsements.
Leonard was telling Howard about this ice cream company that he was going to be working with but the Master Tape Theatre people bleeped it out with some fart sounds. They did the same thing during the commercial read earlier.
Howard and Leonard talked about the ass kissing and the shoe shining that Howard was going to be doing soon. He told Leonard that it's not funny to see a white man shining a black man's shoes. Leonard said it is funny. Howard said that they were going to go out on Madison Avenue so people can see this happen.
Robin told Howard she wants to hear him calling him Mr. Leonard when they're doing this. Howard said that Leonard seems to be happier about this thing than he is with winning the Super Bowl. He talked to him about taking out Joe Montana and what that was like. Howard asked him what he weighs and said that it's got to hurt when a 283 pound guy runs into you out there on the field.
Howard asked Leonard if the rest of the team knows that he has to kiss his ass. Leonard said the whole team knows about it. He's not sure if they're going to be listening though. He said that they should do this around 8:30 today. Leonard said he wasn't going to make him kiss his ass but he does want him to shine his shoes. Howard said that he has to go through with it. Leonard wasn't into having Howard actually kiss his naked ass after all of this build up. He said that he would do it with his pants pulled up though. Howard said that he'll do whatever Leonard wants him to do.
Howard said that's a little weird that he doesn't want to do it. He said that he doesn't welch on a bet and he will go through with whatever Leonard wants to do. He said that he could end up loving it and could want even more.
Leonard said that he tuned in to channel 35 last night and ended up seeing some pretty wild stuff on that channel. Robin told him that's called Channel J. He'd never heard of that before. Howard said that he had to take a break before they get to the ass kissing stuff. They ended up talking more about the Super Bowl win and how great the NY Giants season was.
Howard said that he thinks that they gave Leonard some passion by letting him come on the show. He brought up a commercial that Leonard was doing for some company and they bleeped it out with some more fart sounds. Leonard said that Howard's old friend Jerry Dickowitz had hired him to do some promotion. He said that all came about because he had heard him on Howard's show.
Howard talked to Leonard about his girlfriend and asked if she wears a bikini and stuff like that. He started to whisper to Leonard about how much he likes that she wears a bikini. He told Leonard that he had to go to a break after that.
The commercial that Howard was reading was edited with the fart sounds to block the name of the sponsor that he was talking about. Howard also talked to Leonard about the kind of weight he can lift and found out that he can lift 400 pounds over his head. He said he can squat about 600 pounds. Howard said that if it was slave days... Leonard cut him off and told him not to go there. Howard said that he would have Leonard pulling his carriage if he had him as a slave. He said that if he was doing really well and he had slaves, that's what he would do. He'd even have a car like the Flintstones had where Leonard would be the power. He said that he wouldn't make him work out in the fields either. He said that he'd have him doing other things so he wouldn't screw up his genetics.
Howard said that he'd tie Leonard's penis down to his thigh so he couldn't use it. Leonard said something about getting aroused so Howard told him he had to hit the delay on that. They went to a SIRIUS commercial break after that.
Howard had Robin read through some news before they got out on the street. Robin read a story about Flavor Flav getting into some trouble with the law. She had some clips to play and went over that story. They spent a short time on that subject.
Robin read a story about Hervé Villechaize so Howard ended up talking about how funny Fantasy Island was now that he's gone back and watched some of those old episodes. Robin said that NBC is talking about dumping Johnny Carson and replacing him with Jay Leno. Howard said that he doesn't believe that report for a minute. He said that Carson is like a license to print money. He said that they're probably going to keep Carson around until the day he dies. Robin wasn't so sure about that.
Robin read through some more news stories about the Gulf war and things like that. That led to the guys spending some time talking about the war a bit.
Robin read a story about how radio stations are taking advantage of this war to get ratings. Howard said that she should just call them ''jackasses'' and not radio stations. He also interrupted the news to ask Leonard Marshall some questions. He asked Leonard if he was a big deal in high school. Leonard said he was pretty good back then. Leonard said that he really wanted to play basketball when he was in high school. He was much thinner back then. He had some problems running into people when he'd play though so he ended up moving to football.
Robin went through a couple more stories before Howard said that he had to take another break before going out on the street to kiss Leonard's ass.
After the commercials Howard went to Gary who was out on the street waiting for him to get out there with Leonard. He said they were going to play a couple of songs while they made the trip out to the street. Leonard was looking for some water to drink so Howard told John to get some in there.
Gary was out on the street and said that there were about 100 people down there waiting for them to come down. They were chanting some ''Baba Booey'' for Gary while he was out there.
Robin read through some more news stories before Howard moved on to the ass kissing. She read more about the Gulf war and had Howard playing a song that was written about it. She also had a story about Elvis so Howard did a little bit of his Elvis impression.
After Robin wrapped up her news Howard said he was ready to go down to the street. He told Fred to take care of a few commercials while they headed down to the street. He and Leonard spent a minute talking about what they were going to be doing. He said that he was going to make a speech out there on the street when they got down there.
The crowd started chanting ''kiss his ass!'' over and over again. Howard said he wasn't sure what to do first, shine his shoes or kiss his ass. Robin suggested doing the shoe shining first. Howard said he had a speech to make first. He did that and talked about the Giants winning Super Bowl XXV and how he was going to be planting a kiss on Leonard's ass because of that win. He thanked Abraham Lincoln for freeing the slaves because if he hadn't, he wouldn't be out there making a fool of himself today. Robin thought the speech was ridiculous. Howard said that he thinks this whole thing sucks and wondered whose idea it was.
Howard got down on his knees and Leonard said he was going to stand while he shines his shoes. The crowd was calling Howard a ''shine boy'' while he was doing that. Leonard was patting his head while he was bent over and shining the shoes. Howard shined the shoes and said he thought he was doing a good job. Leonard pointed out that he got polish on his socks though. He said they cost him 30 bucks so he can't be doing that.
Howard said that he was humiliated and had never been so humiliated in his life. He had Leonard bend over after that so he could kiss his ass. Leonard said he was going to do it even after he had second thoughts about it earlier. Howard wondered if he was going to kiss him over his pants or if he was going to pull down his pants. Howard went in for the kiss as the crowd was cheering him on.
After another Master Tape Theatre fast forward Howard was back up in the studio with Leonard. He claimed that he was on his ass for a good five seconds down there. Robin said she wanted to hear the lip smacking but he probably couldn't hear her. Howard said that Gary wasn't working the microphone very well and made him bend over like an old man. Gary said he thought he was leaning over to see Leonard's shoes.
Leonard told Howard he did a good job on the shoes and he could have a job if this radio thing doesn't work out.
Howard went into a commercial after that and the sponsor name was farted out once again. Howard said that they had some coins that they were making as a tribute to the Giants.
Howard said he had to catch his breath after the whole ass kissing thing. He got back to Leonard and said that Tom called him over the weekend and wanted to turn this into something really big but he didn't want to do that. He said that he just wanted to go out on the street and make it happen.
Howard asked if there was a lot of static on the microphones. Robin said there was some once in a while but not the whole time. Howard said that Gary amazes him because he had a good set of headphones while the pair he was wearing were useless. He said that Gary is really no help at all. Robin said that Flo of Flo and Eddie had a great set up when he was living out in a van for a week. they had his equipment working and she's not sure why this wasn't working.
Howard said that there were people throwing money at them out there on the street. Robin told him that tomorrow is Abraham Lincoln's birthday so Howard joked that he curses him for ending slavery. Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Leonard about all of that. They went to break a short time later after Howard wrapped up with Leonard.
Howard took a call from a kid who may have called there accidentally. He asked the kid if they called the wrong number. The kid's mother picked up and said they were calling Z-100 but had the wrong number. She said that they were sending messages to the soldiers out in Iraq. Howard told her that they're a bunch of phonies over there and they'll never deliver the messages. He said that she can trust him, he knows what they're like in the radio business.
Howard ended up talking to the woman about how she's got a little kid and a son old enough to be in the Gulf war. She said that she got divorced and the older kid was from her first marriage. She had him when she was just 21 years old. Howard also told the woman that she should stop smoking. He could tell from her laugh and her husky voice. He told her that she needs to quit so she can be around for her kids.
Howard had Leonard come back in and told him that he's kind of fat. He told the woman to hold on while he talked to him. He said he's afraid that Leonard is going to get too fat if he quits playing ball. Leonard said that won't happen, he'll lose 20-25 pounds when he quits. Howard said he figured out why he didn't pull his pants down. Leonard said it was still nice even though he didn't. Howard let him go after that.
Howard got back to the woman he had on the line. She said that her daughter turned on the radio so she could hear her. Howard found out she's smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day. She was 41 years old and the daughter is 8 and a half years old. Robin said she sounds much younger. The woman said that her daughter is small for her age. They told her it might be from the cigarette smoke. Howard said that her face must be covered in cigarette tar and look like Al Jolson.
Howard told the woman that her son is probably safer in the Gulf than he is there with her smoking. She said that he's in the marines. That led to Howard telling her that he served in Vietnam. Then he said that he had Bob and Ray there who were also in 'Nam. He and Robin then went into their Bob and Ray bit that they do with they put a lot of compression on their voices so they sound really deep.
Howard was playing Bob and Robin was Ray. They told the woman about their time over in Vietnam and asked about her daughters. Howard told her that if she puts her daughter on the phone, they'll pretend to be her brother. They found out that her name was Stephanie and asked the woman to put her back on the phone. Howard tried to pretend he was Patrick but the kid wasn't that gullible. She said that it wasn't Patrick. Howard told her to just play along while they pretended. He asked her what she wanted to say to her brother. She said that they want him to know that she loves him and misses him. Robin, as Ray, told her that she was Patrick and she really appreciated that.
Howard asked Stephanie if her mommy smokes around her all the time. She said she does. She said that she coughs a lot too. Howard asked her what she does when she blows the smoke in her face. She said she doesn't do that to her. Robin told her to tell her mommy to quit smoking. Stephanie told her to quit but told the guys that she still had a cigarette in her hand.
Howard asked Stephanie what radio station is the best. She said that it's Z-100 so they told her that they didn't do anything for her, it was this station that had her talking to her brother. Howard had Fred get on the microphone to pretend to be Patrick but that wasn't going over very well. Jackie tried it too but she didn't fall for that either. She told Jackie that her brother doesn't call her sweetie like he just had.
Howard had Stephanie put her mommy back on the phone because he was getting annoyed. She got back on and Howard told her that her kid is pretty smart not falling for that. He said she should have told them that her brother doesn't call her sweetie. The woman said he calls her ''Mookie'' as in Mookie Wilson. Howard told the woman that Z-100 isn't sending those messages to the soldiers either. He said that they just do that for ratings, to pull at people's heart strings.
The woman's kid was listening to the radio and hopped on the phone a couple of times to get in a couple of comments. She thanked them for saying that she was smart. Howard said that he hopes that she behaves herself while her brother is away. He told her that he hopes that her son is safe over there in the Gulf war.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked what was going on with him so he ended up hanging up on him. He was annoyed by that question.
Howard had the ratings report about Jackie's show and they apparently didn't do all that well. Howard said he wasn't going to read it on the air and embarrass him though. Jackie asked if the Channel 9 people weren't even watching.
Howard said that Jackie's show ruined his show because they had to run that stupid promotional announcement over the end of his show. He told Jackie he thought the part he was on was very good. He didn't say what he thought about the rest of the show though.
Howard read through some of Larry King's newspaper column and goofed on that for a few minutes. He read the column in his Larry King voice. He threw in a few of his own lines as well. Robin said that she didn't think that he had read one of Larry's lines about postage stamps even though he had just done it minutes before. Jackie told her that Howard did say it. Howard wondered why she was spacing out like that because she's not usually like that.
Howard was also asking Fred what happened during that Bob and Ray thing where he kind of spaced out and didn't do anything. Fred said it was weird and he wasn't sure what he was asking for because he was concentrating on something else at the time. As Howard was talking to Fred, he just walked out of the studio as he was talking. Fred came back in a short time later and Howard apologized to him about giving him a hard time like that. He took the blame himself. He said ''how dare I do something spontaneous...''
Howard was going to end the show but Robin had some more news to read. She wanted to talk more about the Flavor Flav story. She read some more of the article about that and a couple of other things. Howard also brought up the Sugar Ray Leonard fight that happened over the weekend. Robin said she was really bummed out about that loss and she hated to see it. Howard asked her if she felt better after watching Jackie's show because it was such a bomb. She said she actually watched that first, so no, it didn't make her feel better. Howard wrapped up the show a short time later, around 9:50am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard started off the show talking about some Playboy Playmates that were on Family Feud last night. He said that they had a shot of one of the girls where you could see the crack of her behind. He said if he did that he'd get fined.
Howard said that Robin's boyfriend Penn Jillette was coming by today. Robin said that she doesn't have a boyfriend.
Howard said that he had to wake up before he got going this morning. He went to the phones and took some calls. One guy said he just got Crucified by the FCC and he loved it. Howard said he gets a lot of feedback like that and people think he's making it up. The caller said he likes that he got to hear a lot of the stuff he missed on that set. Howard said his agent doesn't think he explains it very well when he talks about it.
Howard said that Crucified by the FCC is the best thing you can buy if you're a fan of the show. The caller said he likes the first CD in the set the best.
Howard and Robin talked about the set and how Scott the Engineer got a huge credit for doing whatever it was he did. Howard said that Scott did a lot of the engineering. Howard said that he did a lot of the work himself though. He didn't want to credit himself for all of that stuff though so he gave Scott a big credit instead.
Howard said that Scott did a great job but he didn't deserve to get credit on every tape, CD, box and everything else. He said he wanted to give the narrator a credit too and they gave him a huge credit just like Scott.
Howard said you'd think that Dick Heymeyer and Scott did most of the work on the thing. Dick did about an hour of work. Howard said that he thanked everyone appropriately. Kevin the Newsletter Guy contributed to the booklet they included. Howard said that most of it worked out okay except for those huge credits for Scott and Dick. Howard said Scott didn't do more work than anyone else but that's what it looks like.
Howard said that if this set works out, he'll put out another set of the really early years. He said that this one will be considered a limited edition though.
The caller asked if the Negligee and Underpants Party is still available. Howard said it's not, that's why it's so cool to buy this stuff when it's available. It makes it very rare and valuable in the future. Howard said that they've almost caught up with the orders for Crucified and everyone who ordered should be getting it soon.
Howard read through some mail he got about the Crucified box set. The fans seemed to like what they were hearing on the set. They talked about some of their favorite things about it.
Howard read a letter he got from a woman who talked about how great it was to hear the cassette tapes on a trip she went on with her husband. They had a great time listening to the tapes on the trip and it brought them closer and rekindled their marriage.
Howard read through a few more letters and then said that the set is still available to order. He let the caller go and then moved on to other stuff.
Howard read through the list of stuff that they were saying was inappropriate and there were a lot of things. They also said that people have to have some decent hygiene. Gary said he heard that they were making them get haircuts over there too. Howard said that was bogus.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up how they had changed the theme song to the TV show this week. Howard said they did that for the basketball game they played. He said that he doesn't want to change the theme and he thinks that they should keep it the same.
Howard talked about how they got that theme song over there. They were supposed to do a thing where they were going to have different rock and roll songs every week but he's not sure how they got stuck with that one song. He said that he thinks it was the licensing fees and stuff that stopped the different songs every week from happening. He said they went to Angel (Fifth Angel) and used their song every week.
The caller talked about the basketball game and said that he thinks that Howard lost because of that awful ''Merv'' t-shirt he was wearing.
Howard said that the channel 9 show was covered like it was a real basketball game. He read the article about how ''WWOR was WW-BAD.'' The author wrote that he had ''grazed past'' the show the other night and watched it. Howard said that he's seen guys like that who watch the show and claim they don't. He called one guy out on that and the guy finally admitted to have been a fan of the show.
Howard read through the article where the guy talked about the basketball game between him and Nils Loftgren. Howard ended up talking about Nils and how he was able to beat him. Gary said he just watched the show last night and Nils was kind of out of control. Gary said that he saw Nils go to an intern to put some time back on the clock when Howard called a time out. Howard said Nils was really intense and not having fun at all.
Howard said that Nils was really good at the game but there were some things going on that he didn't like because they weren't being very fair. They weren't calling fouls on Nils and stuff like that.
Gary was talking to Howard about the game but Howard noticed he had something in his throat so he asked him to clear his throat. Gary said there was nothing there but when he cleared his throat, Howard noticed there was a difference.
Jackie said that Nils got even more intense when he had scored 20 points. Howard said he wants to keep that guy off the show from now on.
Howard read through more of the article about the show and goofed on the guy who was reviewing it. The guy was claiming that he had never stayed tuned for more than 25 seconds of it. Howard said there's no way the guy could only watch for 25 seconds. He said he had to have stuck with it for at least a minute or two.
Howard said this guy was complaining about the way he was talking about ''penis size'' during the show. Howard said he wasn't trying to be funny when he was doing that.
The author had some lines in his article that weren't making any sense to Howard. He said that this guy isn't much of an author. The guy goofed on Howard for being on WWOR but Howard pointed out that this guy is writing for a paper that no one reads. Howard wrapped up and went to a break a short time later.
Howard read an article about his TV show where the author talked about him being the next generation of late night talk show hosts. He said they had some pictures of him in character and he's not sure he would have approved them if he was asked.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard about a big they played recently. Howard talked about that bit a little bit. He said that he was doing an impression of a guy who was known for doing an impression of the Kennedys. He spent a few minutes talking about this guy, Vaughn Meter, and that led to Howard doing a very short ''Er-uh'' Kennedy impression.
Fred ended up doing an impression of Howard and goofed on him. Howard asked him what that was. Fred said that it was him. Fred sounded more like Howard's mother than Howard. Howard told Fred to remember where his paycheck comes from and suggested he take that verve and use it to write a script once in a while. He turned down Fred's microphone and said that's Fred's new shtick on the show.
Howard said he had caught Fred in a lie and he was proving it today. He said that all of those days he asked Fred to help him out in the past, and he turned him down, he was lying about what he was up to.
Howard went through the rest of the live commercial but that ended up getting them into this story about Cookie Puss. Howard went into his Cookie Puss voice and talked to Fred about that story. Fred had given his mother a Cookie Puss Carvel Cake one time so Howard goofed on him about that.
Cookie Puss talked about how he hates Fudgie the Whale and how he was able to talk about that now that Tom Carvel is gone.
Robin said that she thought that the puss was shortened from ''pussy'' but cookie Puss said that it was just a reference to it being a face. Cookie Puss didn't remember what he looked like so he had to ask Fred what he did look like.
Cookie Puss asked Fred why he didn't just buy his mom a quart of milk or a newspaper instead of a Cookie Puss. He spent a few minutes goofing on Fred about that. He told him that he should get his mother some cotton candy for her next birthday. Robin said that was a first giving his mother a Cookie Puss for mother's day.
Howard said that it was pretty insulting to give his mother a Cookie Puss cake as a gift. Fred said that this whole thing was insulting. Howard asked him if he at least calls his mother. Fred said that he does and continued to argue with Howard as Cookie Puss.
Cookie Puss asked Jackie why he pissed in his mother's face for her birthday. Jackie said that he did that because Carvel was closed at the time. Cookie Puss said he was going to run out of the room during the break so he didn't have to deal with Fred. He wondered what Fred could do to him other than eat him.
Cookie Puss asked if you have to special order a Cookie Puss or if you can just walk in and get it. Fred said you just walk in and buy it. Cookie Puss said there's a new cake called Fudgie the Underpants and Cheesy the Foot. Then there's Booger the Nose, Andy the Anus and others.
Howard got out of the voice and said that he was done annoying Fred. He said he didn't need to do that to Fred anymore. He thanked Fred for doing great during the writing meeting the other day. Howard spent a short time talking to Fred about his mother and going to visit her.
Fred said that he doesn't think that Robin has any right to comment on that stuff with the kind of family relationship she's got. Robin laughed at Fred for that comment.
Howard went to a break and did another live commercial that was farted out. During that Fred said something about punching Howard in the face.
Howard had a guy on the phone who wanted to play Guess Who's the Jew. He told the guy he was going to play the Kennedy song ''Raping in the Night'' before he got to that. He said that Stuttering John was out interviewing prostitutes the other night too so he had to play the audio of that. He said that John would ask the girls to do interviews for the TV show and when they'd turn him down, he'd call them whores.
Howard played the ''Raping in the Night'' song parody he sang. Howard said they had a lot coming up after that including Robin's man Penn. Robin let out a sigh when she heard him mention that. They had to go to break after that.
Howard asked the fans to send in some pens to write with because they're running out again. He said that Tom won't buy them the Sharpie pens that they use so they have to ask the fans for them. Howard said he's gone to Tom asking for more but he won't buy them.
Howard said that it actually slows them down if they don't have the right pens. He said they'll take any color except for red. Gary usually holds on to them and doles them out but they still run out. Howard asked Gary how many he had left. Gary said he has about 3 dozen left and didn't know they needed more. Gary said that Jackie goes through about 6 a week.
Cookie Puss came back a couple of times during that discussion. Howard said that the point of the matter is that they need more pens. Gary said that he has ordered pens in the past but Tom has cut down the number that he orders. He said that Tom thinks that they're wasteful with the pens. Jackie said that they're really not wasteful and they're constantly writing stuff. Howard moved on after that.
Fred had some fun doing some material as the character. He had some names for the other games he could play like ''Spic-Tac-Toe'' and a few others.
The caller said that he never dated a Jew or anything like that. He said he had some animosity toward the Jews in the past. Howard spent a minute talking to the caller about all of that and then had Fred do his thing.
Fred, I mean Kurt, went on to give out the three names the caller had to choose from. The caller had to pick which of the three was a Jew. The three people Kurt gave out were Kathy Bates, Meryl Streep and Angelica Houston. The caller quickly said he was going to go with Meryl Streep. The caller was right so Kurt gave him the details and said that he was correct.
Howard said that the caller won a CD player so he had to either take it or try and trade up and win again. He said that if he wins again, he could win the CD player and a 2 minute visitation with the back of their office door where they have the naked pictures of the women who have sent them in. The guy's wife got on the line and said that he had to take the CD player. Howard told the guy to go talk it over with his wife during the commercial. The guy's wife didn't want him looking at any nude pictures so she told him that he doesn't have a choice. Howard told her that not too many people have gotten to see the back of that door and it would be a very special treat.
Howard asked the guy if he wanted to see the door. He said that he did but the guy's wife kept telling him ''No!'' over and over. Howard asked him if he was going to be pussy whipped or take the deal. The guy said he was going to go for it. The guy said that his whole life is like that and she's been like that since he was 19 when he met her.
The guy said that he wanted to go for it but his wife told him he was making a mistake. Howard told him he'd throw in a muzzle for his wife too. He said that he can't imagine him letting her boss him around like that for so long. The guy said that he's been with her for 17 years so he's used to it.
Howard said he had to take a commercial break and then he'd be right back with the rest of the game. Robin thought the guy was a fool for taking that chance to win.
After an edited out commercial break Howard talked about his Crucified by the FCC set and read some mail he got about it. He got back to the game a short time later.
The caller was back on the line and saying that he had to take the CD player and get out of the game. He told Howard he must have heard what he has to go through. He said that she went through the list of stuff that made him change his mind. Howard told the guy he was going to give him the CD player anyway, even if he hadn't played again. Howard told him to tell his wife that she did a really good thing for him. He asked the guy if his name is ''Pussy Whipped.''
The guy's wife got back on the phone and asked if Howard was trying to make her day go bad. Howard said that she's sounding dangerously close to being his mother. She said that maybe that's what he needs. She was asking if they were going to get a limo ride up there to the station. Howard goofed on her a little bit and told her that she should let her husband have some fun. She said he's been having fun since 1982 because he's self employed. She said that he does whatever the hell he wants with his hot dog stand and he enjoys it.
Howard asked the guy about the hot dog cart and how much he can make in a year. The guy said that he can make over $100,000 a year if you do it right. Howard figured that this guy must not want to make love to this broad because she's so much like his mother. The guy said that they actually have sex all the time.
Howard asked how many kids they have. They said they have three. The guy was saying that he can go anywhere in the city that he wants with the hot dog stand but he always goes to the same place. That led to Gary talking about the stuff that he likes to get on his dogs at those stands. Howard put them on hold to hook them up with the CD player. Howard said that was some marriage right there.
After and edited out commercial break Howard did another live commercial for an unknown sponsor. He and Robin talked about the sponsor for a short time and then brought in Penn Jillette.
Penn came in and Howard called him the future Mr. Quivers. Howard told Penn that he should send Robin a Cookie Puss to get on her good side. That led to Howard doing his Cookie Puss voice a little more.
Howard said that he and his wife went to the Penn and Teller show the other night and they figured out one of the tricks they do. Howard said that the show is really great but they did figure that one trick out. Howard asked Penn if he would tell them how the trick is done. Penn said that he'd probably mislead him if he tried to figure it out.
Howard did his impression of Penn talking to him and doing this barking voice he does for him. Penn was saying that people used to come up to him and ask him about Howard but now it's all about Robin.
Howard asked Penn about the model they use in the show and said that she was ''top notch stuff.'' Howard found out that Penn has dated that chick before. Penn said that he still sees her once in a while. Howard said he doesn't think that Penn should make Robin his one and only, he should add her to the group of women he dates.
Howard wanted to do some news and then he'd get back to Penn and Robin. He gave Penn some plugs for their show on Broadway and then spent a little more time talking to Penn about the show and stuff like that. Howard said he'd like to go back and see it again so he can try and figure out some of the other tricks.
Howard talked to Penn about going to clown college and got some details about that. Penn said that he did a lot of juggling when he was there. They spent a short time on that and then went to a commercial break.
Howard talked about the computer he has and how he set it up so that his computer turns on when he pulls out the tray for the keyboard. Penn was telling Howard he should get a CD-ROM drive. Howard didn't know why he needed it. Penn told him about why he needed it and went through some other peripherals that he might want to get.
Howard said that Penn was showing off with his comments about the computer stuff. Howard said he had a 20 megabyte drive in his computer. Penn bragged that his was a 40. Penn asked how fast his computer was. Howard didn't know. The two of them were going back and forth talking about what version of Word they had and things like that.
Howard had Robin get into some news stories after he and Penn spent a few minutes talking. Robin read some news about Jesse Jackson and Howard played some audio of a speech the guy made. Howard said he must have recorded it at channel 9 because the audio quality was horrible. Howard goofed on Jackson for a short time and made fun of the way he sounded in that clip.
Robin read through some more news about things like AIDS and mosquitos, Spike Lee stealing a cab from someone and more. Howard told a story about his mother having a cab stolen from her by Charlton Heston one time. Robin talked about seeing someone there at the station in the lobby the other day. She said that she saw Harry Bellafonte there. Howard said that Pete Fornatel was interviewing him. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back, around 9:10am, and said that Robin and Penn had disappeared during the break. He heard that Penn was back in his office looking at the nude pictures on the back of his door. He gave him some plugs for Penn and teller's show and then had Robin get back to her news.
Robin read a story about a rape case in the area where a 23 year old guy was charged with raping an 11 year old girl. She ended up getting pregnant. She also had some news about computer video games, Senator Al D'Amato, Donald Trump and sexual harassment. Penn let the S-word slip out at one point so Howard had to let him know he can't say that on the air.
Howard said that Penn and Teller sell stuff after the show. Penn said that he was signing stuff and most of it had Howard's autograph on it too. Howard said his wife was getting all uptight about it but he figured he had to sign the stuff since they were out in public. He said he probably won't go out in public again for another year after that though.
Howard said the last time he was out in public was about 3 years ago when he went to see Cats. He said he didn't get that show and what happened at the end of it.
Howard came out of an edited out commercial break and did a live commercial. Sponsor was edited out again. Howard talked about that for a short time. Howard said he was going to play the Stuttering John clips, that he didn't get to today, tomorrow.
Howard asked Penn how he ended up back in his office. Penn said he was following her around and she had gone back there to go through some stuff. Howard wanted all of the details so he spent a couple of minutes going over what they were doing back there. They were just talking and Penn was looking at the nude pictures on the door.
Howard asked Penn what his intentions are with this model he's dating. Penn said he really doesn't know. He said that he doesn't even know if he'll ever get married.
Howard ended up calling Robin's answering machine because she does something very odd on it. She says ''Blah, blah, blah'' instead of her name and the number that the people are calling. Howard called Penn's answering machine too so he could hear what he does. Penn just says ''Yeah...'' and that's it. He doesn't have a message other than that. Robin said that she didn't want to put a conventional message on her's so that's why she did what she did.
Howard spent a few more minutes with Penn talking to him about his show. He also ended up going off on Spike Lee again about his awful movies.
Robin asked Howard to play an audio clip that she had. Howard played the clip and Robin asked him if he knew what it was. Howard knew it was a clip from the movie ''Citizen Kane.'' She did a story about the 50th anniversary of the movie and said it was out in theaters again. That led to Penn asking Robin out to see the movie but she said she couldn't go.
Howard tried to get Robin and Penn to set up a date but they weren't jumping on the offer. They were talking about the old popcorn trick that you do when you put your penis in a popcorn box and Jackie said that he actually did that trick one time.
Howard asked Penn if he thought he was going to go out today or not. Penn said he thinks that they will end up going to see ''Citizen Kane.''
Robin read through a few more news stories that she hadn't gotten to earlier. She had one about a young girl whose heart stopped in her class. She had a story about Julia Roberts getting married to Kiefer Sutherland. They spent a few minutes talking about that.
Robin said that Richard Simmons is going to be going on David Letterman's show finally. Howard said that he knows how all of that came about and he figures that Letterman listens to his show and that gave him the idea to have him on. Howard said he's okay with it though because Richard should be doing shows like that.
Robin finished up her news so Howard wrapped up with Penn and gave him some more plugs for his Broadway show. He gave Jackie his plugs and played some music as he was ending the show. They were done around 10:00am.
Howard started off the show asking Robin if she was going to watch the fight tonight. That led to them talking about a previous fight and the controversy that surrounded that.
Howard said that yesterday was a big day for them because they were going to be on in Los Angeles soon. Howard also said that he heard that Robin was in TV Guide for an interview. Robin didn't know that it was out but she said that she had done some interviews.
Howard said that Robin used to be so close to him but the article was kind of strange. Robin said it must have been a misquote. Howard said that he didn't even say what it was and she was already saying that it was a misquote. Howard said he was too hurt to go on and talk about what it was that she said. Robin asked what it was. Howard told her it was nothing and didn't want to talk about it. Robin said it must have been about her looking for another job. Robin said that she was just joking around. Howard didn't believe that.
Howard said he knows what Robin is saying there, she just doesn't want him to get attached to her. Howard said he knows that it's not a misquote. He said that it's not going to be fun to work with Jay Leno like she said she would like to do in that article.
Howard said that Robin was saying that it was all a joke in that article. Robin said it really was a joke. Howard said when he jokes in an article it's different.
Robin told Howard that he was hurting her by saying this. She also said that Howard has hurt her before too. She was going to pull out a reference from about 9 years ago. Robin said that she threw a party for Howard one time and scammed him and he got really upset and believed it so quickly. Howard wanted to drop the subject.
Robin wanted to know who read the article to him. Howard said it was someone who wanted to hurt him and blamed it on Jackie. Fred played the ''Baba Booey'' clip referring to Gary.
Howard said that he and Robin have a sensitive relationship so this is hurtful. Howard said that TV Guide has the biggest circulation of any magazine so a lot of people are going to read those statements from Robin. Robin told him to stop with that. She told him to just stop with his complaining.
Howard said that he was reading an article about them going on out there. He said that it was kind of cool. He read some of the article and they talked about the TV show and his move into Los Angeles with the radio show. Howard said that the picture they used was even a good one. He said that picture was the best one he's ever seen of himself because he doesn't think he's ever looked that good in person, ever.
Howard was talking to Jackie and making fun of him about his big party that he throws out at his house on Long Island. Howard said that Jackie has garbage pails full of clams out at those parties. He said that he's white trash but he's also got money. He said that they try to be more sophisticated but it doesn't work for Jackie. Howard said Nancy can kind of pull it off though.
Howard said he was talking to the program director out in L.A. and talking about how he had to get those guys Mark and Brian and how he has to conquer them. Howard said that Mark and Brian must be freaking out. He said he thinks that they're getting tapes of his show flown into them so they can hear what he's doing. Howard said they've never had any competition out there before.
Gary came in and said that they were talking about the show on Tom Snyder's show last night. Howard had a caller on the line who had audio of that.
Howard said that their agent got calls to do about 13 TV interviews out there in L.A. and they got calls from all of the magazines and newspapers and all of that stuff. Howard turned them all down. Howard said he was asked to do every TV channel out there and he just said ''Nahhh.'' Howard said that this is cool because they have them just where they want them.
Gary said that he got a call from George Maxian but all he said was ''I don't know'' to him over and over again. Gary said he was asking about what Howard had said about the show moving to L.A. and he just kept saying he didn't know.
Howard said he told his agent to talk to Richard Johnson instead of George Maxian. Howard said that Richard told them that George was already working on the article though so he couldn't do it. Howard said that Richard was very ethical about it.
Howard had the caller on the line with the Tom Snyder show tape. He played the audio where Snyder and his guests, including Cousin Brucie, were talking about Howard's move to Los Angeles. Tom didn't think that Howard was going to do well in Los Angeles. Snyder didn't think that Los Angeles had the right audience for Howard's show. Snyder and his guests talked about some of the things they had heard Howard do before and they didn't think it would fly out in L.A.
Howard and the guys listened to that stuff and goofed on Snyder a little bit. Howard said that those guys dream of being successful like him. He said that they have no idea what that's like. He said that they really have no clue.
Howard said that if those three dopes knew anything they wouldn't be on at 3 in the morning talking to themselves. Howard said that it was Tom Snyder, Cousin Brucie and Machine Gun Kelly. Howard goofed on them for a couple of minutes. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard said that his friend Neil used to throw his mother-in-law and his kid out of the house when they'd have the parties. Howard said that the parties used to go all night. They'd have vomit on the carpets and bottles of champagne all over the place with the corks embedded in the ceiling.
Howard said that they'd even smear Cheese Whiz on the big screen TV. Neil didn't care because he just wanted to have guys over to his house. Howard said that he'll probably be tired by 9 o'clock anyway. He probably won't be out too late.
Howard replayed the clip and then said that he had an Orson Wells clip to play. He said that Orson did this song but he speaks over a song. Howard did an impression of him with his harmonizer. He stayed in his deep voice for a short time talking like Orson Wells.
Howard spent a few minutes goofing on Orson and then ended up goofing on Jackie about his goofy songs. They played Jackie's ''Flies'' song and goofed on that.
Howard had a caller on the line who was asking about the Mike Tyson fight. Howard and the caller spent a short time on that stuff.
The caller was also asking Howard about what's going on in Chicago. Howard said that this guy in Philly, John DeBella, is a wise ass. Howard said that people have been telling him that he would never beat DeBella and now that's what they're saying about Los Angeles and Mark and Brian. Howard said that Los Angeles is filled with losers on the radio and the market there is very strange.
Howard said that Rick Dees went out to L.A. and did the Top 40 thing playing music. Howard was going to talk about it but the caller was so annoying that he had to stop and hang up on him. Howard took a couple of other calls but gave up on that.
Howard said he was going to give all of his philosophies on radio. Howard got one caller back on the line and then went into his explanation about what went on with John DeBella and his partner Mark the Shark Drucker. Howard said that Drucker stole some of his bits and he really doesn't like him now.
Howard said that the first day he went on in Philly he said he was going to drive DeBella off the air and out of town. Howard said that he would follow him to every city he went to and drive him out of those towns too. Howard said that he can only work in peace if he comes and kisses his ring and feet like he's the godfather. Howard said then he'll let him work in another town without bothering him.
Howard said that there's no stopping him now that he's going to be on in L.A. He said that when he hears any DJs saying anything about him, that's when he's going to blow them out of the water. Howard said that there are too many wacky morning guys out there and he wants to crush them.
Howard said that once his deal is done out in L.A., it's going to be a domino thing and he's going to get on all over the place. Howard said that there are some creeps on out there who pick and choose from his material. Howard said that he's not going to allow that to go on.
Howard said that he has had meetings with the people out in L.A. about what they want to do. Howard said that he can't wait to pounce on those guys out there in L.A. Howard said that he has a whole plan of attack for what they're going to do out there. Howard went off on Mark and Brian for a few minutes saying that nice guys finish last and things like that.
Howard told the guy that he could come down there if he wanted. The guy didn't know where they were located but even Howard said he's not sure where they're at. He said he's drive there every morning. He said that there's something wrong with him for not knowing. He said that he once tried to get back to work but he had no idea where to go even though they were standing right in front of the building. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard asked Thorogood if he knew who Robin was. Ted said that he had never seen her. Howard asked him if he knew anything about her at all. He said he really didn't. Howard was trying to get him to say some stuff about her so he eventually did. Ted said that he'd like to lay Robin down and play ''road'' with her.
Howard said he was asking Thorogood about Roe V. Wade and he told him that in most cases you should row but if you have to get out of the boat you can wade.
Howard had some other jokes about Thorogood that he went through with Ted. He asked him some questions to test him out to make sure he was really Thorogood Marshall too.
Howard asked Thorogood some questions about his life and had Ted joking around a bunch of goofy stuff. Ted seemed to forget that he was doing the impression and went into his own voice. He was joking around about Robin and about his penis and stuff like that. Howard let Ted go after a few minutes of that.
Howard spent a little time talking about the interview and how he expected a lot of press to cover that exclusive interview.
Howard had Ted back on the phone a short time later so he spent a few more minutes talking to him before letting him go again.
Howard had Robin read through some news stories after that. She read some stuff about Thorogood Marshall resigning. Robin also read some audio clips of President Bush talking about Marshall's resignation. Howard said that he was wrong to have voted for Bush. He said that it was really bad for the country. Robin had some audio clips of various people talking about Marshall's replacement.
Howard said that he apparently offended a woman with something. He took the call and the woman said that Howard and Robin may know about things that are happening in the world but he doesn't know anything about sports. She also said that he doesn't know about politics. Robin told her to get her point out. The woman said that Howard was wrong about some stuff that he was talking about with the Supreme Court. Howard and the woman went at each other arguing about that stuff for a couple of minutes.
Howard told her that she's a moron because what she was telling him is what he was already saying. Howard told her that she's a naive, stupid bitch and went off on her. She told him that he didn't have to name call. She said that wasn't helping his argument.
Howard asked the woman if she was a lesbian. She said that she had a boyfriend. Howard found out she was going into law so he went off on her about that too. He then found out that she didn't currently have a boyfriend so he goofed on her about that saying that she's a lesbian, that's why she doesn't have a boyfriend.
Howard and the caller argued for a few more minutes. Howard told her to call Dominic Barbara and have him laugh at her instead. The woman was telling Howard that he wasn't letting her speak so Howard let her speak. She started to ramble so Howard muted his voice and told Robin to continue her news. The caller continued to ramble as Robin read some other news. She ended up hanging up when Howard didn't respond to her rant. Robin read through a few more stories and then they had to take another break.
After the break Robin read a story about Donald Trump having his dates tested for AIDS. Gary came in a short time later and said that there were two more guys who showed up to show their penises. Howard told Gary to wait until after the news to bring them in.
Robin read a few more news stories and had one about a fake Patrick Swayze who was out calling people and ripping them off. After hearing that Howard wanted to prank some people. He wanted to try doing that to Jackie's wife Nancy so he gave her a call. Nancy recognized him immediately of course. She played along with the Patrick Swayze thing though.
Howard talked about how he had his hand on Nancy's thigh when they went to see Terminator 2 the other day. They spent a minute on that and then Robin got back to her news.
Robin finished up with a story about the Daytime Emmy awards. She had some audio clips from the show that she had Howard playing. Howard played a clip of Oprah Winfrey which led to him going off on her for a short time. He talked about why he hates her so much.
Howard said that last year he picked ''911 is a Joke'' as the best song of the year. He wondered why he never heard from Flavor after he did that. Flavor said that he was busy. Howard jokingly said that he just found out that Flavor was named Chief Justice.
Howard saw Flavor's gold teeth and asked him about that. He also talked to him about his kids and when that happened. Flavor said that he won't get married, he's going to wait until he's about 80 years old. Howard and Flavor shared some stories about living in Roosevelt since they both grew up there.
Howard asked the guys how Public Enemy and Anthrax got teamed up. Scott Ian from Anthrax told Howard that they figured it would be the best of both worlds, rap and rock, and put it together.
Howard said that Charlie from Anthrax was also there. Howard asked Flavor what his real name is. Flavor told him that his real name is Flavor Flav. Howard asked him if his real name was Walter. Flavor said that's not his name, it's Flavor.
Howard said that Flavor is so angry. He said that his songs seem pretty angry. Flavor asked Howard to stop hitting the buttons on him. He saw him doing something on the board and thought that he was screwing with him.
Howard asked Flavor about his kids and found out that he had pretty normal names for them. Flavor was also wearing white sunglasses so Howard asked him what was up with that since he hates the white man. Flavor said that he doesn't dislike anyone and he doesn't hate the white man. They had to take a break a short time later.
After the break Howard came back and gave the guys some plugs for some upcoming appearances. Gary told Howard that Tyrone Frazier was on the phone but Howard had no interest in talking to him. He told Gary to tell Tyrone to go out and win a fight and then call back.
Howard talked to Flavor about doing the TV show ''In Living Color'' and how they had to kick him off the set. Flavor said that Spike Lee is a friend of his and he thinks that Howard should stop bad mouthing them. Howard said that the Spike Lee movies are boring. He said that black people don't like that kind of stuff. They like action movies. Flavor told him he's wrong and Spike makes movies that they like.
Howard said that he got mad at Flavor one time when he interrupted Young MC. Flavor said that he can't help that. Howard said that it was a pretty funny moment even though he got upset with him. That led to Howard and Flavor doing some ''Yo mama'' jokes. They went back and forth with those for a short time.
Howard talked to Flavor about the trouble he's had with women. Howard said he knows that Flavor loves women but he's gotten into some trouble. Flavor said that he's not a woman beater and they're very precious to him. Howard asked him what it was that got him so upset. Flavor said that she burnt his bacon, that's what he was so upset about. Flavor said that she actually hit him first. He ended up going to jail over that.
Flavor said that they treated him real good in jail. He said that he got to touch hands and spread some knowledge in there. He said he was like the Don in there. He had plenty of protection while he was there too.
Howard asked the guys in Anthrax if they've been in jail. Before they could answer Howard said that they were being kind of boring. They couldn't get a word in with Flavor Flav talking so much.
Howard asked the guys in the band if they were millionaires. They said they're really not. Howard said that Flavor's teeth might be worth more than Anthrax is. Howard asked Flavor how much his teeth are worth. Flavor said that they were only $1,000. Howard said that he must be investing in gold instead of putting that money away. Flavor said that he handles all of his money himself and gives it all to his mom. Howard figures that Flavor has some kind of investment firm handling his money, he's just not talking about it.
Howard asked Flavor what kind of car he's driving. Flavor said that he has a 90 Vette in green... the color of money. He said he's got a Subaru too.
Howard asked the guys in Anthrax if they make a lot of money out on tour. They said that they lose money but they make a little on t-shirts. Howard said that he thought they made money going out on tour.
Howard went over the stuff that they had learned in there today. It wasn't all that much actually. Howard spent a few more minutes. Robin read some news about OutWeek magazine going out of business. The guys spent a short time talking about that. Flavor said that he doesn't think that what gay people do is right. He said that their equipment doesn't fit.
Robin had a few more news stories she read through. The guys all stuck around to comment on the stories she read. Robin read a story about Cher so Howard asked Flavor if he would bang her. Flavor wouldn't answer. The guys in Anthrax said ''no way.''
Gary told Howard that the guys were there to show Robin there penises. Howard told Gary to just give them their tickets. Flavor wanted to see them so he told Howard to have them come in. Three guys came in a few seconds later. Howard said that they were there to take their penises out to win tickets. Robin said she didn't want to see that and told them all to chicken out. They all did their thing as Fred played some rattlesnake sound effects. Flavor said that the guys had their meat out. Flavor told Howard to give them each 24 tickets for doing that. Howard asked the guys if it was worth it to win those tickets. They all seemed happy that they won. Howard let them go a short time later.
Robin got back to her news and read through a few more stories. She was having trouble getting through them with the guys constantly interrupting her. Robin wrapped up her news a short time later.
Howard thanked the guys from Anthrax for coming in. Howard also said he was going to play Flavor Flav's new song but he ended up playing Joe Piscopo's ''Kimberly'' song instead. They wrapped up and ended the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show singing along to his opening theme song a little bit. He said the song is ''In a Mellow Tone'' by Duke Ellington. He said they have some phony phone calls to play today. They called Andy Bloom and told him they're a gay group who saw him on TV and they wanted to out him. He also had a call that he wanted to play for Robin off the air because he wasn't there to supervise the call.
Howard said they called as this gay group called the 10 Percenters because they believe that 10 percent of the world is gay. He said he may play that other call too. Howard went to his first break after that.
Howard said Jackie was driving his grandmother with this girl in the car. He said Jackie was talking to his grandmother about how he would never hurt her. Then he asks her to smoke some weed. She took about 3 hits and then proceeded to talk very fast and swore that she wasn't high. He said she went home that night and went upstairs, fell backwards and died. Howard said Jackie told him that he was only kidding about her dying but she did take some hits off that joint.
Howard said Jackie takes special pride in believing his stories. He said Jackie once urinated in his mother's face so he would believe that he killed his grandmother. It doesn't sound totally absurd to him that he would do such a thing to his grandmother. Howard said Jackie one time put his penis in ice cream and almost burned it off from the cold. He'll believe just about anything he tells him these days.
Howard said Jackie was acting a little strange yesterday and he thinks he knows why. He's having a few people over to his house for a party and Jackie can't handle that because he's usually the host. Howard said Jackie seems to think that he's the only person who can make a party enjoyable or something. Jackie said he's not coming to the party if that's the way he's going to be.
Howard goofed on Jackie about being a 43 year old running around with riddles. He said that Jackie once masturbated in front of his grandmother, or an aunt or something like that. Howard said Jackie is a great one to invite to a party. He threatens not to come after they mention him. Robin wondered why Howard was going to do this party thing. Howard said he didn't want to do it but his wife pressured him into it. He said he knew that Jackie was going to have a problem and probably not show up.
Howard said that Jackie likes to create a situation for himself. He said the guy hands out fliers about his parties and then wonders why so many people show up. Howard goofed on him for a short time and said he just can't get rid of that loser complex of his. Howard said his wife really wants to have this party and he knows that it's not necessary.
Howard said he's going to call Andy about that. He figures he didn't mean to do something like that. They should just put in bleeps instead of chopping out whole sections of the show. Howard said he was going to play the call he made to Andy Bloom out there for Robin but he was talking about the guests they had coming up today and got distracted by his deep voice.
Howard said he had a dream last night when he was feeling kind of nauseous. He was in this dream at a college cafeteria where they were serving a plate of rice with a fish on top. He said the fish had its head and a giant eye sticking out. He said he rarely remembers his dreams but this one stuck out. He said the fish was all grey, scaly and pink. He couldn't believe that was all he had to eat so he wanted to return it but decided against it. When he got to the end of the line he folds up the fish and put it in his mouth. It was real hard and he figured he might have the eye in his mouth. He said he goes by a sandwich shop but he has no money so he pulls out the fish from his mouth and the big eye came out. Then he woke up and he was totally nauseous. He said it was a hideous experience.
Howard thinks the dream came about because he hangs out with Jackie too much. He wondered if anyone could figure out what the dream could possibly mean. Fred had no idea but said he'd like to know more. Howard asked Jackie about it but he didn't know either. Jackie had a brain teaser for them to mess with instead.
Robin said her friends thought it was funny she had a telescope there but they didn't waste any time looking through it to see what they could find. The caller said that he heard about some people in Trump Tower who were peeping at people around the city. Howard said he loves watching people like that. That led to them talking about a home sex tape that made it out to the public. In that tape there's a kid in the room who is talking about how it looks like a pony ride. Howard thought that would kind of screw the kid up by seeing that.
Howard said he walked into Robin's apartment one day and immediately knew she needed a telescope. The caller said they make attachments for video cameras too so she could tape some of that stuff. Robin said one of her friends saw a guy watering plants completely naked one day. The caller said he saw a model being photographed nude on a roof top a few buildings away. He said he had to hold the binoculars so he wasn't able to pleasure himself.
The caller told Howard that he thought Richard Marx was a great guest and he'd like to nominate him as the best guest of the month. That led to Howard saying that Richard was so taken with the show that he had to give him a copy of ''Crucified by the FCC.'' He told the caller he'll love it if he gets it. He talked about some of the stuff that's included in the set and then let the caller go. Howard said Richard was looking for that tape set and some other stuff like every single episode of the Channel 9 show.
Robin said that with Howard's luck, Richard Marx will end up with the only copies of the channel 9 show and some day he'll have to go to him for copies. That led to them talking about old TV shows like Ernie Kovacs show. Howard said those shows really sucked back then and there are so many bad shows. He said those old guys really blew on TV so he has to avoid watching some of them. He said he's not going to watch the Uncle Miltie shows because he doesn't want to ruin the mystique about him being a genius.
Howard goofed on Lucille Ball a little bit since they were talking about old TV shows. He was talking about how crazy she was for naming her daughter Lucee. He goofed on her about that and then went to break.
Howard asked him about the job and wondered why he can't find a roommate. Howard said if he finds one, it would probably have to be a sexual one. lance said he lived with a guy who thought he could deal with him being gay but that didn't work out. The roommate wasn't able to handle it.
Lance told Howard he has had sex with a man and lost his virginity at 15. He just has trouble finding dates these days. Lance said that he was able to avoid AIDS by always putting on a water balloon whenever he played pin the tail on the donkey. Howard liked that description because it was safe for radio.
Howard asked Lance some questions about his sex life and his virginity loss. He asked Lance who held down his lover that first time. Lance said the guy that he was with actually held him down. He said that he's known he's been gay since he was about 5 years old so he was ready at 15.
Howard asked Lance if he thinks the smell of a man's ass is better than a woman. He said he's smelled both and he prefers the man's ass. Howard told Robin that women do have a problem down there so this guy might have a point. Robin said that she read that Pee Wee Herman has his pubic hair waxed. Howard found that disturbing and said he should be arrested for that over the masturbating in the movie theater.
Lance told Howard that he's had a guy shave him down before. He said the guy will shave the hair around his buttocks. Howard got a laugh out of that. He went on to ask Lance about this shaving thing and wondered how that all works. Lance said he'll usually bend over in a shower and the guy will put some shaving cream on and shave him. Howard laughed when he described that to him. He and Robin both laughed when they talked about that whole thing.
Lance said he was born this way so he's used to it. He described the feeling of getting shaved and how it feels about the same as shaving his face. He said he's only had that done to him about 3 times in his life though. Howard asked Jackie if he'd be willing to get shaved down during the next segment. Robin said that Mark and Brian are probably the next ones to try that gay stuff on their radio show. That led to Howard talking about Mark and Brian for a short time and said that he can't stand them. He wants to crush them in the ratings out there in Los Angeles.
Howard said that he wants to have this guy in to talk about his seduction of a 14 year old. Lance said that he thinks he looks like a cross between Michael J. Fox and Danny Bonaduce. He said his parents really don't mind that he's gay and don't mind if he brings home another man. Robin asked him if he's ever brought a date to family functions. He said that's never happened. He hasn't dated anyone long enough to make that happen.
Howard asked Lance about the smell of a man's ass again but cut himself off and told Lance that they'll have him down to the studio sometime to do a dial-a-date. Howard let Lance go after he brought up something a little too racy for the air. He asked Fred if he had done that to a woman but Fred had no idea what he was referring to. They were talking about doing anal on a woman. Howard said he's never done that but he knows that Gary and Jackie are up to that stuff. Howard said he has no desire to do something like that.
Gary came in and said that some people like to experiment with stuff like that and there's nothing wrong with it. Howard got distracted by Gary talking to him about that stuff. That led to Fred playing the ''Baba Booey'' audio clip a couple of times.
Gary talked about a party that he went to over the weekend and how the house was a rented out house. Howard said he can't imagine renting out a house like that for parties because it must get wrecked.
Howard said Andy pretends that he knew the whole time that it was a goof but you can tell that he didn't. He played the call a short time later. As he started to play the call, they could hear the guys laughing in the studio so Howard paused it and said that they always do that stuff before making prank calls. Billy was doing his gay voice and asked to speak to Andy. He then tells Andy that he's with a gay group that's a 10 Percent group which means that they believe that 10 percent of the population is gay. Andy didn't understand what the call was about.
Howard interrupted the call and said that Andy actually sounded even more gay than Billy did. He said Andy swears that he's not gay though. Howard got back to the call and Billy tells Andy that a lot of famous people were gay and that Howard Stern is not a nice person for talking about the gays the way he does. Andy tried to calm Billy down by saying that Howard believes that gays have the right to do whatever they want.
Billy tells Andy that he finds him to be pretty effeminate and asked him to repeat the word ''exactly'' to hear his lisp. Andy tells him that it's none of his business if he's gay or not. Billy asks Andy if he thinks that Howard Stern is gay because he may bash them a little too much. At one point Billy tells Andy that his voice relaxes his colon. Howard interrupted and said that they figured Andy would figure it out at that point. Andy does ask him if he was being set up but they brought him right back into the conversation.
Andy finally figures out that he's being scammed. He asks who he is but Billy stays in his character and continues to goof on him. Andy asks him if he is Billy West but Billy stays in character as ''David'' but eventually breaks into laughter. Howard got on the line with him and Andy claims he knew who it was. Howard said they just about had to hit him over the head with a sledgehammer to get him to realize he was being goofed on.
Howard also had a call they made to Dan Forman which was similar to the Andy Bloom call. He didn't play the whole thing, he just played Dan's reaction to Billy saying that Abe Lincoln was gay. He said that call went on for 9 minutes. He also said that Billy does that gay thing a little too good.
Howard said they had a few things to choose from today. He said they have this guest coming in at 8:30 but he didn't want to give out the name yet. He was keeping that a secret from Robin. He said they also have some L.A. TV reports about their show. They could also call people in Los Angeles to see if they're listening to the show. He had some other clips to play, a lesbian record, Gil Scott Heron records and other things.
Howard read a story about Michael Swann in the newspaper because they mention Robin in the story. Robin went out with him and Howard had never heard of him before Robin went out with him. He read through the article about their date and read some quotes that Robin denied ever saying.
Howard was talking about adopted kids and that led to a caller telling him that he's out of line with his comments. Howard said he thinks that adopted kids are unloved and the caller disagreed with that. The caller said that he's an adopted child and he does not feel unloved. Howard said his parents love him the way they love a puppy and that's just the way it is. He and the caller argued over that for a short time and the caller was throwing some angry comments at Howard.
The caller told Howard that his parents were killed in a car accident, that's why he was put up for adoption. Howard said that's the story he was told, that doesn't mean it's true. He and the caller went back and forth arguing about whether or not adoptive parents can love an adopted child the same way they love a biological child. Howard insists that they can't possibly love a child more than they'd love a puppy.
Howard ended up hanging up on the caller when the caller said that he had no desire to find his biological parents. Howard called him a phony because he had just said that his parents were dead. Robin and Howard continued the conversation and Howard said he's sick of the discussion because he's had it before. He said he knows basic human behavior and that's just the way it is.
Howard said that everyone is suspicious of Mother Teresa and even of the Pope. Gary came in and said that the phones were going crazy with adopted people calling in and complaining. Howard told him to screen some of those calls and he'd take care of them after the break.
Howard took another call from a guy who thought Howard was wrong about what he was saying. He didn't believe that Howard could believe his own views on the adoption thing. The caller had a couple of kids that he adopted so Howard told him that if he ever caught them having sex with some guy behind a shed, he might think about how her mother may have been a whore or something. The caller said he wouldn't think that. Howard hung up on him and took some more calls. A woman called in and said she feels the same as Howard because she's adopted and her parents didn't lover her.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who said he doesn't understand why he's acting like this. He said he's lost control today. Dominic said his father is a Psychiatrist and his theory about Howard is that somewhere in the back of his mind, he thinks that he's adopted. Howard told Dominic to go talk to his father then. They thought Dominic had some adopted kids but Dominic said that they just wish they were adopted.
Howard's mother Ray called in and said that Dominic may have had something there. Ray told Howard that he doesn't know what he's talking about with this stuff. She said that sometimes kids have in the back of their minds that their real parents may be out there and could love them ore. She said that Howard is not an authority on this subject and shouldn't be talking like that. Howard told his mother that she should stick up for him, he's 37 years old and she should respect that. Howard said it doesn't matter if he's an authority or not. He said she's changing her story from what it was off the air.
Howard asked his mother why she has to listen to the show. She said that Howard is her son so she has to listen. Howard asked her what movie it was that she wouldn't let his father watch the other night. She said that if they're going to watch something on TV, she is going to have some input. They have to watch TV together according to Ray. She said they've been together for 44 years now and he has no idea what it's like to be married that long.
Howard told his mother that he has his own opinions and he's entitled to them. He was all worked up so he had to calm down by listening to his relaxation tape which was a hot chick singing ''You Are My Sunshine.'' He played that and tried to calm down while his mother kept talking. She asked how everyone was doing there and told Robin that she was great on the Joan Rivers show.
Howard and his mother got back to the adoption thing and continued to go back and forth on that subject. Howard also told a story about his mother going out to a frozen yogurt place to eat and saying that it's healthy to eat. Howard said she just doesn't listen to anyone and doesn't want to believe that sugar is bad for her. He said she doesn't listen to him about it. He ended up hanging up on her a short time later after getting fed up with her stuff.
Gary said that he can't believe Howard was telling her that she needs to get laid. Howard said he'd call her back to ask her more about that. He tried dialing her number but had trouble with the phones. He got her back on the line and asked her if she wants to be celibate or not. She said she never said that and she doesn't want that. She said she does have a love life and that made Howard want to throw up. He said he knows that they can't possibly be doing it anymore. He eventually apologized to her for hanging up on her but said she was being relentless with her comments.
Howard told his mommy that he loves her and let her go a short time later. He said they had Alice Cooper coming in shortly so he wanted to get to that. They rewrote Alice's song ''Eighteen'' and sang some of the lyrics they had come up with. Robin was liking that.
Alice said he got Howard some metallic underwear so he gave that to him. Howard said he remembers seeing Alice for the first time at a concert. He talked about how cute his wife was and how he was flown in by helicopter. Howard was back stage and saw them bring Alice in all draped in towels so no one would look at him. He said it was unreal to see that happening, it was too cool. He said that Alice's wife was also in blankets. Alice didn't remember all of that, he said he doesn't remember 1978 to about 1982. Alice said he was throwing up blood every morning back in those days.
Alice said he was afraid to give up drinking alcohol back in those days and that's why he kept it going. He said he didn't want to know how Howard prepares for his show. Alice said that Howard's mother sure came on strong. Howard said that she doesn't put it on for the radio either. She lectures him on everything.
Howard talked about doing his transcendental meditation and that led to Alice talking about that relaxation tape he played earlier. Howard played a little more of that for him. Alice talked about the concerts that he's doing and some of the crazy stuff they do during the show. Howard said he likes the theatrics that they do in his shows. He said he used to be able to get his mother out of the house by playing Alice's music. He said that his mother would listen to a lot of the music he listened to, but not Alice's.
Howard asked Alice about his wife and found out that Alice married her when she was only 17. Howard asked why he married her out of everyone he had been with. Alice said that she was ''the one'' and he just knew it. He said he's never cheated on her in all the years they had been married. Howard spent some time talking to him about her and then had to take a break.
Howard asked Alice how he met his wife. He said she was actually in his show and played a part. Howard asked about her parents letting her participate in something like that. Alice said she didn't know who he was at the time. She was into him though and she was very different than the other women he knew.
Howard said he would like to listen to some of Alice's new album. He talked to Alice about his hair and said he was thinking of letting his grow out a bit. He also talked to him about tattoos and how he was afraid to get one because he could get AIDS. He said that he'd probably let Dee Snider help him pick out something since he seems to know what's cool.
Alice said he's had people tattoo his face on their body and he thinks that's crazy because they're going to have that on them for the rest of their lives. He thinks that's quite a commitment to get something like that done.
Howard wanted to get to the song parody that they were going to perform but Fred was nowhere to be found. He was also told that they hadn't made copies of the lyrics since Jackie was waiting for his okay. Alice didn't know how the song went so Howard reminded him that it was to his song ''Eighteen.'' Fred came back and started playing guitar for the song and Alice seemed to be impressed with his playing. Alice then sang the lyrics that the guys had written for him. The song was about Jeffrey Dahmer.
Alice asked Howard who wrote the song. Howard told him it was Fred and Jackie, the two deviants, who had done that. Howard then got into some of Alice's new album. He played a little bit of ''Hey Stupid'' and then checked out a little bit of ''Feed My Frankenstein.'' Howard then told Alice he was going to call the PMRC and report him for writing satanic songs. The call didn't work out so well though. The woman who picked up just hung up on Howard when she heard who it was.
Howard asked Alice if he wanted to stick around during Robin's news. He ended up talking about how wild Howard's mother sounded when she called in earlier. They spent a short time talking about that call. Howard asked Robin to start her news after that. Robin read through some news stories and got Howard and Alice talking about President Bush for a short time. Howard was also asking Alice if he stays regular by drinking coffee after Robin mentioned something about that in a news story. Alice said that he's the most regular person he knows.
Howard gave Alice credit for some stuff he's given to the rock and roll world as far as the theatrics he does on stage and the type of music he does. Howard spent a few more minutes with Alice and then wrapped up the interview and let him go and went to break.
Howard went off on everyone but Fred and Jackie tried to defend themselves. Howard said the moment was gone because Alice is now gone. He said Gary could have done something too but he didn't tell them they had the guy coming in until this morning.
Gary said he told them last week that Alice was coming in. Jackie said that's true, they did know he was coming in. Howard kicked Gary out of there, calling him a Big Toothed Bastard. Howard said it was nice that they had a cool guy in there like Alice Cooper and Fred is in the bathroom peeing when they're trying to start the song parody. Howard continued to go off on everyone about the song parody. He was complaining about Fred disappearing in the bathroom so Fred asked him if he wanted him to leave. Howard said that would be fine but then had Robin get back to her news without getting rid of Fred.
Robin read a news story about Sam Kinison and how he may lose his FOX sitcom because he failed to show up for an appearance on the Joan Rivers show. They spent a short time discussing that since they had seen Sam that day that he missed Joan's show.
Howard ended up going off on Fred again during Robin's news. Fred wasn't on mic so Howard told him he should plug it in. Fred said someone had changed it on him and he didn't know. Howard asked Fred if he's into this show as much as he is. Fred claimed he was but Howard didn't seem to think that was true. Fred found it hard to believe that Howard thinks he doesn't care about the show. Howard said he thought he knew Fred better than that but he guesses he doesn't.
Howard started the show talking about a story in the paper about Miss America. He talked about how big her boobs were and how they were too big to even be fake. He talked about the hair styles the Miss America contestants have and how old they look. Howard said that this Miss America was accused of posing naked once. Howard asked Robin what she knew. Robin told Howard about how she had done some modeling in bikinis and then they found out that they were thong bikinis.
Howard said he lost some more weight and got down to 205 pounds. He said he's down 10 pounds. Howard said he needed some water and asked the interns to bring him some. Howard said that if he's full of water then he won't want food. He got his water and said that he's sure he'll gain that weight back. He said he was convinced for a while that there was no way he was going to lose weight.
Howard mentioned that Luke Perry was going to be coming in. He said he just watched Beverly Hills 90210 the week before. He said it was a good show and they have some hot chicks on it. He said he thought the show was good. Howard said he likes shows like that. He said it's on before Knots Landing so it's a good lead in. He said they have better looking girls on 90210 though.
Howard said in the latest episode they had a black family move in next door. He said that the daughter wants to live in the black community but now she might be dating one of the white kids. He said she might be dating that other kid on 90210, not Luke Perry. Howard said this kid is apparently very popular and he can get laid easily. Howard said the kids on that show all look like they're in their 20s. He said they're a little too old to be in high school.
Howard said he didn't write this movie. He said another guy wrote it and he's written some other big movies. Howard said the lead woman is a reporter. She falls in love with him. Howard said she hates him at first but he bangs the crap out of her. He said she flips out and goes wild but then he burns her and they break up. Howard said he eventually wins her back.
The caller said that there are a lot of people in Los Angeles who want to see him in a movie. Howard said Barry Diller signed him to a contract to produce TV for his company. He said that they stuck him at the channel 5 studios there in New York and left him to hang. Howard said this is dedicated to him.
Howard read some ratings news about Mark and Brian's TV show. They're up against him in the mornings on radio in L.A. Howard read the details of that and goofed on them for a short time. He said their TV show is horrible and they look odd together. Howard made fun of them and said that they're going to go down now that they're in L.A. on radio. Howard said that he hopes that their show stays on for a while so they can point out how lame it is. He talked about some of the awful stuff they do on their show and suggested some other things they could do. He said they can go down to the Village there in New York and try to pick up dudes. Howard said that they don't want them to lose their show until they can do stuff like that and they can see them fail.
Howard said that he loves having funerals for people. He said he can't wait to do it for Mark and Brian. Howard said that he wanted to say something about someone else's TV show too. He couldn't remember what it was.
Howard said he had lunch with Fred Silverman and he told him that he wanted him to be on his TV station but then the guy hired Johnny B on the Loose. Howard went off on that guy and on Barry Diller again. Howard said that the producers of In Living Color told him that they listen to the show out there. They wanted a copy of Crucified by the FCC and stuff like that. He said that people are listening to them out there in L.A.
Howard said Tony Danza wants to interview him for that TV show ''Into the Night.'' Howard said he doesn't want to do it but Tony thinks that he did the show once and he helped him out so he should help Tony out. Howard said maybe if Tony comes on his show then he'll do that show. Howard said that show is the stupidest show ever. He said that Rick Dees isn't even doing that show anymore. Howard said Rick has been rejected from every TV show he's ever done.
Howard said they seem to forget that the guy is a loser out there in Hollywood. Howard said he's hated out there and no one will forget that.
The caller on the line said that he's an actor out there. Howard said that Fred's girlfriend is going to be an actress. Howard asked if she's working yet. Fred said she isn't yet. Howard said he has never been in a play either. Jackie's wife has been.
Howard talked about how one of the Miss America girls had her top fall off in the middle of the show. He said that one of the guys there went over and assisted her with getting it back on. Howard got back to the caller and told him to go back to doing whatever he does.
Howard said he's not sure who told him that NWA wanted to be on the show. He said he thinks that it was Andy Bloom.
Howard said he had a bit to play but he lost it. Fred found it for him. Howard went on to play the bit which was a bit about Pete Fornatel, their afternoon DJ at K-Rock. Howard played an example of one of his show promos. Howard said it's not a bad promo but it doesn't get people excited. He said that they created one that would get people more excited. In the bit Fred plays Pete and he introduces NWA on his show. They had Pete asking NWA questions using the N-word and asking about their songs. Billy West was doing the voices for NWA. They went to break after playing that bit.
Howard said they have to tape a TV show today. He said that they were working on the show and he wants to be prepared for it. Howard said yesterday Jackie told him that one of their guests had canceled out on them. Howard said the guy wasn't going to be able to make it. He said they had to rewrite the whole TV show. Howard said Dan was saying he doesn't know how they do it. Howard said he can't take much more of that. He said that they work really hard on that show and then they have this kind of thing happen.
Howard said that he's supposed to get spanked today so he's not sure if he should have been wearing underwear.
Howard said he had to take a break but they have that guy from 90210 coming in. He kept getting the numbers wrong so Robin kept correcting him on that.
Howard said that his niece was out of school at 12:30 yesterday and he was shocked. He said she gets out and goes home to sleep. Howard said his sister lets her go out at all times of the night too. He said he has arguments with his sister about that. He said she's a really good student but he thinks that the high schools are failing them. He said she should be doing other things instead of going home at 12:30. Howard said he's not sure what she's up to.
Howard said he invited them down to meet this kid from 90210. He said that he doesn't let his kids watch that but his sister lets her kids watch.
Howard told Robin about his experiences with that girl and what a mess it turned out to be. He said it was a weird time of the month. Howard said that if any parents out there want to hire him to find their kid's porn, he's available. He said he knows exactly what's going on and where they can hide everything. He said that he knows where to hide porno movies and pot.
Robin asked Howard what he's going to say when his daughters tell him that they're no longer virgins. Howard said he's not going to say anything, he's just going to kill himself.
Howard did his Jackie impression and had him telling kids how to pee out the window when they're driving in a car.
Howard said the second time he did it he told the girl that he knew what he was doing but she didn't believe him. Howard said that he could never be a rapist because he can't figure out the bra thing. He said he's not even sure why. Howard asked Fred and Jackie if they need help. Neither of them do. Howard said that he did and this girl thought he had never done it. He said she started crying so he had to drive her back to her house.
Howard said that girl was real cute too. He said he bets that she's still cute. Howard said he knew he wasn't any good at it. He said that this girl wouldn't even take her shirt off. He said she was cool as long as she kept her shirt on. Howard said that he's had an unbelievably bad life.
Gary said he has a guy on the phone who claims that the story Jackie told the day before, which he claimed wasn't true, was true. They had to go to break before getting to that.
Howard asked Luke about where he grew up and found out it was there in New York. Luke told Howard he had the same agent as him. Luke told Howard there was nothing going on in New York so he had to move out to L.A. to get some work.
Howard asked Luke about going to Sam Kinison's birthday party too. Luke said that Sam is a lot of fun. He said his friend went to hang out with Sam and they're trying to get him on the show. Robin asked what he would play on the show. They talked about how he could be the Principal or something like that. Howard told Luke to make sure he sticks with that show until the end. He said that he shouldn't get full of himself and go off to do something else. He told him to just stick with it.
Howard said he'd like to be on that show. He said he was offered a part in a show where he'd be playing Casanova. He said that he signed a deal with Barry Diller and the guy screwed him over. Luke said he thought he was a nice guy when he met him. Howard said that they had no idea who he was and what he does so they didn't give him anything to help him out producing this TV show.
Howard told Luke what he could play on the show. He said he could pick up Luke's mom who is played by Stephanie Beecham. Howard asked Luke how he lives in Beverly Hills on the show. Luke said his character's father left him millions. He said that he's living on his own and he's an emancipated minor.
Howard said Luke must be doing a lot of women. Luke said he's only 21. Howard said that he must be getting laid like crazy. Howard said he heard that the girl who plays his sister on the show is like 30. Luke said that's not true.
Howard asked if Luke about working with Aaron Spelling and what kind of money that family has. Luke said working with Tori Spelling is great. He said Aaron is a great guy too. Howard asked if he has a regular girl. Luke said he doesn't. Howard said he has to be getting a lot of chicks. Luke wasn't admitting to anything.
Howard told Luke he should do concert appearances like Henry Winkler used to do. He said he would just go to a concert and tell kids not to do drugs or something and he'd get paid to do it. Howard said his agent told him not to mess with this kid.
Howard said he had to take another break and he only had Luke for another 15 minutes. Robin said they'll have like 14 minutes of commercials to get through. Then Luke will only have one minute. They went to break a short time later.
After the break Howard came back with Luke and asked if that's his real name. Luke said it is. Howard said his name has been hard to overcome. Luke said that they have a big billboard out in L.A. that just says ''HOWARD'' on it. He said people out there know who he is. Howard said he thinks that they should have more on the billboard.
Howard said he saw Roseanne Barr said some stuff about her parents in the news and they must be pissed about that. Howard said that she claims that she was molested and you don't know that she didn't hallucinate it. He said her brain is smoked. Howard said she has indicted this guy.
Howard asked Luke about doing Regis' show today. He said that Regis was in a picture wearing blue jeans and they looked like the kind of jeans his grandfather would wear. They were Sans-a-belt jeans.
Howard asked Luke if he's going to kiss Kathie Lee. He said if he does then she'll be stuck to her dress. Howard said he must be getting a lot of girls and he must not have a problem getting them. Luke said he got laid for the first time at 13. He said he's always done pretty well. Howard said he must get laid at parties and stuff. Luke said it doesn't suck.
Robin asked Howard what he would do if he woke up looking like Luke one morning. Gary came in and told Howard a lot of callers want to talk to Luke. Howard was going to take some of those calls.
Howard had Luke publicist come in. He said that she was really hot. Howard apologized to her for his comments about FOX after seeing how hot she was. Howard spent a few minutes talking to her. He asked if she was Persian or something. She was actually black. Howard asked if she would be interested in Luke if he came on to her. She didn't sound interested. Howard told her that he's never made love to a black woman. He said that he would like to. Howard said if it was back in the slave days he'd only have slaves that look like her. He said she'd be in master's quarters every night. He said he'd even pick the damn cotton himself so she could stay home and rest.
Howard said he had to wrap up with Luke so he can get out of there. He said he had to take another break too. He went to break a short time later.
After an edited out break Howard came back and said Luke was talking to him during the break about living in Harlem. Luke told Howard that he was living there just 3 years ago and now he's on 90210. Howard said that he remembers feeling like he wasn't going to have anything going on when he was making $96 a week.
Howard took a call from three 22 year old women who were really into Luke. Howard asked them what they would do to Luke if they were along with him. They told Howard that they'd all do him at once. Howard asked where they were when he was living in Harlem. They said that they had no idea who he was at the time. The three women were laughing and saying that they'd have his baby. Luke said that this is what they call ''Embracing democracy'' on the set.
Howard didn't last long with the girls. He let them go and said that Luke must be having a great life. Luke told Howard that they have some great people on the show. Howard let him go a short time later. They wrapped up and got some hugs and handshakes as he was leaving.
Howard spent a little more time talking about Luke after he left. Howard said that he seemed like a good dude. Howard said that he thinks that Tori Spelling is okay but she's kind of a double bagger. He said that she's not bad. He said he's just kidding and she's fine. Howard said he was afraid that Aaron Spelling might put him on the show and he'd be screwing that up. He realized he's never going to get on the show though.
Howard asked Robin what she did to Luke when he hugged her. Gary said Luke was rubbing up against her like Sam does. Howard said it must have felt different than it does when Sam does it.
Howard asked Robin what they should do first. He gave her a few choices and said they should probably do news. Then he said they should skip the news and do the other stuff. They went with the news though.
Howard started off reading the article about Roseanne who is now going by Roseanne Arnold. Howard read about how upset her parents are that she revealed this molestation thing. Howard said if the guy didn't do anything then this is really screwed up. He found out that she's 38 and that shocked him. Howard said he figured she was like 50. Howard read the details of the article and said he hopes it's true and she's not just ruining her parent's life.
Howard asked Robin what she had in her news. Robin read a story about a hitman who was arrested in New York City. She said that he was tracked from Los Angeles to New York and he gave up without a fight.
Robin read a story about the senate voting on Clarence Thomas this week. They spent a minute talking about that.
Robin read a story about a biosphere that's going to be tested. She had some details on that and Howard talked about how foul that could be since they don't want the people using toilet paper. He said they recycle everything in there.
Robin read a story about a couple of girls who are going to be playing high school football for the first time in the area. Howard said he would never let his daughters do that. He said he wouldn't want them getting hit by a high school boy and ruining their life for that. Robin asked if it's okay for boys to do that. Howard said it's not. He imagined that the boys would be doing inappropriate things to the girls too.
Robin read about the government cracking down on 900 numbers and how they're going to have new rules about letting people know what they cost. Howard said they should give that information out.
Robin read a story about a police officer who was found to have posed for Beaver magazine. She was thrown off the force for a while but eventually reinstated.
Robin read about Elizabeth Taylor recuperating after a health scare. Cops are also looking for her future husband who is wanted on some drunk driving charge. Robin wrapped up a short time later. They went to break a short time later.
Howard asked her if she's shaved. She said she's not. She wasn't sitting down so Howard asked if she's going to be like this on the TV show too.
The woman handcuffed Howard but she was hurting him. Howard said that it seriously hurt. He told Gary to keep an eye on this. He said that he was locked behind his chair. Howard said it really hurt. He told her to open it for a second. He said he was dying from the pain. She told Howard he was a baby. Howard kept saying it really hurts. Gary had her unlock them.
Howard yelled at Gary to unlock it. Then Chu put her hand over Howard's mouth. Howard wasn't able to talk. He had a mark on his arm from the handcuffs. Chu kept her hand over his mouth. Howard was trying to talk but she wasn't letting him go. Howard eventually got out of that and Chu smacked him in the nipple. Howard said that hurt too. Chu told him to pull down his pants. Howard said he would go along with that. He had no problem with that.
Howard told Gary to stop staring at him. Chu said that Howard is a big sissy. Chu wanted to inspect his underwear to make sure it was clean. Howard said there was no way that was happening. Chu did some more stuff to Howard that hurt. He told her he wasn't going to pull them down so she gave him a wedgie. Howard told her to take her hands off his underpants.
Howard and Chu kept going back and forth doing weird stuff for a few minutes. Howard said a lot of it was visual. He said that they'll do it later since she'll be on the TV show. Howard said she had a funnel in her hands. He wasn't sure what that was about. Howard said she's weird.
Howard still had his pants down. Chu was telling him he had to wear some stuff she brought with her. Howard told her to go sit by Gary. She told him to get on his hands and knees. Howard did it and she spanked him. Chu told him to tell everyone what a sissy he was. Howard didn't do it. She smacked him a bunch of times. Jackie was laughing his ass off at Howard. Howard told Jackie and Robin to talk while this is going on. Howard eventually said he was into her but called her by the names he made up for her.
Howard said she has some ass on her. He said if she didn't have a good body he wouldn't put up with this. Howard let her spank him some more and then said he'd had enough. Howard let her go and said he'd see her later for the TV show. Howard said that was his little egg roll queen. Howard said she was the real deal. He still had his pants down.
Howard said that was some session he just had. He said it was strangely erotic. Howard said his wrist still hurt from the handcuffs. He said that was Chu Wang who just came in. She came back and hurt him again when she hit him in the head with something. Howard said she didn't know what she was doing with the handcuffs. Howard said they really did start hurting really bad.
After an edited out break Howard came back and talked more about the handcuffing thing and how he was still in pain. Howard told Gary to instruct the new intern not to stand next to him in the bathroom. He said that he came right up next to him at the urinal. Howard said he also thinks that Tom Chiusano should cut back on the bran muffins. He said the smell in there was awful. Howard goofed on Tom about that for a couple of minutes.
Howard said there was another guy in the bathroom too. He said he saw the intern come over and he was kind of looking over. He said that he can't handle a regular guy checking him out while he pees. He said that he got up close to the urinal but he was afraid that he was wetting his jeans.
Gary brought in the intern who was in the bathroom with Howard. Howard told the kid that he shouldn't be looking. The intern, Marak, said he wasn't looking. He said he didn't mean to bother him. Howard said it's fine. Howard spent a little time finding out what he does there as an intern. Marak said that he wants to be a DJ so he's learning how to do stuff there.
Howard wanted to give Marak a chance to talk up a song. He set something up on the turntable but it wasn't working. Howard said he should learn to work in all formats so he had a Paul Lynde song playing for him. Howard had him talk that song up and he actually did it. Howard said he may have some talent there. He had him talk up a Led Zeppelin song too but he didn't hit the post like Howard can. Howard said he had better stick to staring at his penis. Howard let Marak go a short time later.
Howard said that kid is better than Gange and he has an accent. Howard told Gange to come in there so he can talk up a song. He wanted to compare the two. Gange came in so Howard was goofing on his voice. He told Gange to talk up 'Rock and Roll'' by Led Zeppelin. Gange tried it but he screwed up when Jackie laughed at him. Howard let him go after he tried talking it up again.
Howard played more of the Paul Lynde song and goofed around with that for a minute. He asked Billy West come in to do his impression of Paul. Billy didn't come in so Howard figured he wasn't there. Howard figured they'd save Jackie's friend for Monday after all of that.
Robin read some TV news and talked about how Delta Burke is leaving Designing Women. They spent a little time talking about that. Howard said she should just stick with the show.
Robin said that Donahue had Pamela Smart's family on his show today. She said Robin Williams will be on Oprah. Robin said that's all she has today. Howard read some letters they got from some fans. He had one about Jackie's ''laying cable'' story. Howard said he's going to hold off on that until Monday. Gary said they have a couple of good guests for Monday but he's going to hold off on saying who they are so no one tries to keep them off the show. Howard said Mark and Brian are going down. He said that they can't keep people off the show. Gary said that the person is very newsworthy and that's all he'll say.
Howard said that Jimmy Fink was coming up next so they ended the show with a song. He went through a bunch of songs and tried to figure out which one to play. Howard had the Led Zeppelin song from earlier that he could play. He figured he'd go with that one.
Howard said he's waiting to get a copy of the new Guns N Roses album. He said Gary was supposed to get that for him. Stuttering John came in and said that he has a couple copies. Howard ended up making fun of his stutter when John said something that made him sound like a bee. Howard did an impression of that for a couple of minutes. Howard asked John how he has Guns N Roses albums and Gary can't get him one. John said it's because he has it on Z-Rock. Howard said his stutter is like a wind up. He and Fred goofed on him about that for a short time. Howard said they have to get out of there. He let John get in some plugs for a gig he had coming up. Everyone was doing the bee impression and goofing on John.
John asked Howard if he wanted to play Live and Let Die. Howard said he had no idea what John had just said. He said it so fast it wasn't clear.
Leslie West called in and told Howard that he ordered 20 copies of ''Crucified by the FCC'' for gifts in Japan. Howard said he thinks that they'll be impressed with that. Leslie did his impression of Stuttering John and it was like a Porky Pig impression. John hates that. Leslie said he loves John though. Leslie said this just comes out when he mentions John's name. Howard let Leslie get in a plug for his gig and then let him go. Howard played the Guns N Roses ''Live and Let Die'' as he was wrapping up the show.
Howard started off the show talking about the guests they had coming in today. He mentioned that Richard Simmons and Kimberly Taylor would be in. Robin said that people had been asking her where Richard had been lately. Howard said that some people call him the best guest they have on the show.
Howard talked about his weekend taping his WWOR TV show over the weekend. He told Robin he watched the taping of the show and he and the guys did really good and they have some funny stuff, they just have to fix some of it in post. He said that he and Dan Forman were checking out some of the footage and he's got some things to say during their meeting today. He needs to speak to some people over there about what's going on. He said he, Dan and John have to have a discussion.
Robin was going to talk about a party she went to and Howard said she's the one on the show who goes around and makes them look good by going out to stuff like that. Howard said that a couple of their listeners were appearing on some game shows lately. This guy Chris Christian was on Love Connection and tried to mention the show but Howard figured it would get cut out by the time it airs. He said the editing in those shows is pretty choppy and goofed on the way they handle that stuff.
Howard talked about the new season of shows they started taping over the weekend. He said he took home a screening copy of the show to watch in his screening room. He said the screening room consists of a 20 inch TV. He said he's got a friend who has a screening room that cost him about $75,000.
Richard came in and Howard claimed that he was putting deodorant on his penis. Richard made his rounds hugging everyone. Robin said that she smelled like him after she got her hug. Howard said that Richard spoils him and bought his kids some Barbie dolls. Richard said he promised to start that collection for them and he's keeping his word. Howard said he could buy them himself though. Richard said he probably couldn't afford them because he makes so much more money than Howard does.
Howard asked Richard for cash instead of dolls like that. Richard said that Howard could ask him for money anytime. Howard told him he would never do that and actually ask for money. He told Richard he should just send it along to him.
Howard asked Richard why the Barbie Dolls aren't fat like his clients are. Richard said he knew he was going to start in with him like that and asked him why he has to do that. Howard laughed and just kept going. Richard asked him to look at the Barbie dolls really close to see how nice they were. He said that they're porcelain and very beautiful. Howard took one and started to feel her up. He told Richard she had a nice ass and asked him if he's inspired to meet a woman after seeing these dolls. Richard laughed and showed off the dolls to everyone some more.
Howard said Richard tells him that there are only 300 of these dolls and that means that there are 299 other weirdos out there who collect the dolls. Richard said that they're about $1000 each. Howard said he gets the feeling that he bought all 300 of them. Richard jokingly said he did buy all 300.
Howard said he has been inspired to start his own Barbie collection after this. He said that Richard came over to his house and he was playing with his daughter's Barbie dolls within minutes of getting there. Howard said he doesn't believe that Richard really loves Barbie, he thinks he does it as an image thing. He watched Richard playing with the dolls and he was very rough with them. He said he was man handling them and not being very easy. Richard said his daughters don't know how to dress them right so he was just trying to help.
Howard asked Richard where he stores his Barbie dolls. Richard was ready to leave when Howard asked him if he stores them with his own bras and panties. Richard said he doesn't keep his own women's clothing. Howard told Richard he had to take a short break but Richard was talking about how much he loves Barbra Streissand. Howard said Richard asked him to sing a song with him but he didn't want to do that. He asked Richard if he likes her because she's got a nose like a penis. Richard started to walk out after he said that. Howard told him that he wonders about Richard sometimes and that's what made him bring up the nose looking like a penis thing.
Richard told Howard that he has quite a large nose himself so Howard said that must be why Richard likes him, it looks like a circumsized penis. Richard threatened to walk out but stuck around. Howard wanted to know what fragrance he was wearing this morning. Richard wasn't answering so Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard was talking about what a good businessman Richard is and how he can afford to buy those things because he makes those big ''blowtos'' dance for free. Richard threatened to walk out again. He told Howard about that time he was on his TV show with Michael Hebronco and he wanted to buy the show back because it's so embarrassing. Richard said they had just run it recently and it was so embarrassing to everyone who saw it. He said that Michael was so embarrassed by the show that he went out and binged on food because it was so depressing. Howard told Richard it was a lot of fun and that's all it was.
Richard asked Howard if he wanted to talk about the discussion they had about weight loss at his house. Howard told Richard he's already lost 10 pounds without using his Deal-A-Meal cards. Richard said that he could be helped by those cards but Howard told him the day he needs those cards is the day he shows that he's a weak individual.
Howard told Richard that they had Luke Perry on the show recently and asked him if he thinks he's cute. Richard said he didn't know who that was. Howard said he pictures Richard sitting around watching that show (Beverly Hills 90210) while he's nude. Richard said he never goes nude because he has extra skin on his body he doesn't want to show.
Howard said he pictures Richard walking around his apartment with his 10 Dalmations running around with their tongues hanging out. Howard told Robin he had an answering machine message from Richard that he wanted to play. Richard didn't want him playing it but Howard went right ahead and played it. Richard was asking Gary to pull some tape of one of Barbra Streissand's songs that he and Howard could sing together.
Howard was laughing his ass off so Richard said he would never leave another message on Gary's machine again. Richard told Howard that in 1965 he saw Barbra in Funny Girl five times and he fell in love with her back then. Howard told Robin that Richard is in love with ''Bob Streissand'' and pretended he hadn't made the mistake. Richard said he's been sending her presents and has asked her out many times. She has acknowledged him but he hasn't had the chance to date her.
Richard said he came close to meeting Barbara but he was afraid to go up to her when she came into the restaurant he was working in. He said that he's got over 1400 pictures of Barbra in his house and it's the largest collection in the world. Howard said it sounds like a complete waste of time to him. He asked Richard what he would do if Barbra was nude in a bed with her legs spread. Richard said he would faint if that happened. Howard asked him if he'd feel her up. Richard said he wouldn't be able to do that. He could never French kiss her because she's like Mother Theresa to him.
Howard asked Richard about going to a place where other men have left their juices and Richard got up to leave again. Richard insisted that he apologize. He didn't apologize and kept going, asking Richard about his obsession with Barbra. Richard said he's not obsessed, he just writes her and keeps in touch with her.
Howard belched and told Richard he had to fart. Fred played a fart sound and almost made Richard laugh. He continued to play a few more farts until Richard told him to stop. Howard told Richard about Robin's date with a guy from a soap opera. He wanted to show Richard a picture but Richard already knew who Richard Swan was. He said that he had dated him as well. He said Joan Rivers had set him up on a date with him. Howard said he must be joking about that. Richard said he did go out to dinner with him but Howard thought he was still kidding around.
Howard told Richard that he'll never get a date talking the way he does. He wanted him to talk like a man. Richard said he can't do that because that's not his real voice. Howard said that both Richard and Madonna are like the same person to him. He said he was watching Madonna's movie ''Truth or Date'' and she has this sincerity with the people she comes in contact with and it reminds him of Richard. She uses that sincerity for about 5 minutes and then leaves. Richard said he's not like that at all but Howard thinks he is.
Richard said he had to get going to get to a flight on the Concorde. Howard didn't think he needed that much time but Richard insisted he did. Howard cracked some more fat jokes and almost chased Richard out again. Richard said he just wanted to talk about Barbra Streissand and that's it. He said she is sacred to him and Howard has to know that.
Howard said that Barbra is a brilliant director but not such a great singer. Richard sounded offended by that comment. Richard asked Howard to play some of Barbra's songs that he was reading off a list. Richard would go into a few seconds of each song but wanted him to play the actual song. Howard played the song that Richard asked him to but Fred was playing some bad yodeling sound effects and then some vomiting clips. Howard said he'd rather listen to some Ringo Starr records over this stuff. He said he feels bad for Richard's Dalmations because they have to listen to this stuff.
Howard wanted to do the duet with Richard. Then he told Richard to look at his Barbie Dolls because they had their hands over their ears. Richard ran out so Howard played a little more of her song and had Fred playing fart sounds. Richard came back in for a quick second to grab the songs from the studio so he couldn't play anymore of them. Howard said he didn't know that he had an extra one in there. Gary came in a short time later and told him that Richard gave him the box when he asked nicely for it.
Howard got back to the TV show discussions and said that the camera positioning was really bad and so was a lot of the stuff going on in the studio during the taping. Howard said that their desk is rounded and that seems to be throwing everyone off a little bit.
Howard explained what was going on during the taping over the weekend and how the cameras weren't getting close-ups on the people who were speaking. He said they had the cameras on the back of Tony Bennett's head while he was speaking and he doesn't understand that. He said that's not even something they can fix in post production because they don't have a good shot to use. He said that's like basic TV stuff that they should know about. They should be taking one wide shot to cover their asses at all times.
Howard said he had been able to avoid watching the show until Sunday night but then he had to watch. He said there's some really funny stuff on the show but he can't see it going on. He said he's not sure whose fault it or how to make it work right. He said this must be his wretched life and he may have to quit his job before he has a nervous breakdown.
Howard said he's going to have to take care of the creative parts of his TV show and relieve his executive producer of his duties. They can be in charge of the technical part of what goes on in there from now on. Howard said that WWOR is putting a lot of money into this Clint Holmes show but he knows that it's going to fail. He said he doesn't know who Clint Holmes is but he knows that the show is going to fail. That guy is getting all of this great stuff for his show that he's been asking for for his show for a long time and they've never come through with it.
Howard said that his show is a hit show but they still don't get it over there that they should be supporting his show and not other shows that aren't going to be hits. He said he's been asking for a boom microphone for a long time now and they can't even make that happen. Gary came in and told Howard that Kimberly Taylor was there so they should get to her next. Howard said she's going to get naked for them and she may not even know it yet.
Howard spent a little more time talking about the Clint Holmes show and how it's going to fail right away but WWOR will stick with it way too long. He said Merv Griffin wasn't able to make it work and there's no way that Clint Holmes is going to make it happen. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
John told Howard that Jackie and his friend decided to masturbate in class when they were in 8th grade. Jackie said he talked about that one time but Howard said he had never heard that one. Howard asked Jackie a little about that but they didn't get into too many details.
Howard asked John if that was all there was to the story. John said that was it, there were no other details. Howard changed subjects and said that some guy sent him some spanking tapes so he thanked him for that. He read the description of the spanking tapes and then moved on to Kimberly Taylor.
Howard had Gary bring in Penthouse Pet Kimberly Taylor. He said she was only going to be in there until 8 o'clock because he didn't want to keep her in there too long. Gary took a while to get her into the studio so Howard complained about that. Gary blamed her because she had to put out a cigarette and then spoke to Stuttering John out in the hall.
Howard noticed that Kimberly changed her hair color. He talked to her about that and her boyfriend who was out in the hall talking to John. Howard also asked her about her marriage which didn't last too long. She said that he was her ''scape goat'' but she didn't use that properly so Howard complained about that and told her that she should know better if she's going to law school. She claimed that she wasn't in law school.
Howard wanted Kimberly to get naked but she didn't want to do that for him. He said that she gets naked at this Goldfingers club so she shouldn't have a problem doing it in there. Kimberly said this is a special place to strip at though and she doesn't do that at just any club.
Howard asked Kimberly what happened in her life that led to her stripping. She said that she was told how much money she could make doing that type of thing and decided to do that instead of stripping at bachelor parties. She said that she could make more money doing bachelor parties but she thinks that she might be able to raise up the amount she makes at strip clubs and make even more than the bachelor party nights.
Howard asked Kimberly about the parties she does and what she does there. She said people love her at these parties. Howard interrupted and said that he hopes that he comes back as a woman after he dies. He wants to go strip at strip clubs like Kimberly does. He asked her more about the Bachelor Parties and found out that no one is allowed to take pictures of her topless at the parties.
Howard gave Kimberly some plugs for her Goldfingers appearance and then talked about how he was thinking about her the other night when he was trying to get himself to sleep. He figured that he'd be able to get her if he wanted to. She said if they were both single, that could happen. She claims that she's never had an orgasm though so Howard told her that he could get her off. He said he guarantees her 7 orgasms if he were able to get her. He said he'd use a vibrator on her and he'd be able to get her off that many times.
Gary said that they just got a phone call and Sam Kinison was going to be stopping in later. He had just landed at the airport and he was on his way in. Howard said that Sam was supposed to be doing the Joan Rivers' show. He told Gary to go get Sam a case of champagne so he can have a few drinks.
Howard asked Kimberly to get naked for him because he really wanted to see her naked. He told Robin he'd forgotten what Kimberly looks like and wanted to see her again. Howard kept asking but Kimberly didn't want to do it. Howard said she probably has a big gut and cellulite under those clothes. She said she wasn't going to be completely naked at Goldfingers, she'd just have her boobs hanging out. Howard said that she'd better let something hang out there or the interview would be over.
Howard called Kimberly over to him and told her he wanted to spank her. She went over and Howard pulled up her dress. She said that wasn't turning her on though. Howard was ready to spank her but Kimberly wanted to spank him. Howard gave her one whack and then she told him to bend over and give her his belt. She kept telling him to bend over but Howard wasn't going for it. He goofed on her New York accent a little bit and then said that she had some pimples on her ass but said she had a nice ass.
Howard had Kimberly's boyfriend come in so he could check him out. He said the guy isn't even in good shape. He was blown away that this guy was getting her. He said he's not even that good looking. The guy said he's a nice Jewish guy who went to high school with Stuttering John.
Howard asked the guy where he met Kimberly. He said it was at a bachelor party. He said he's a stockbroker so he has some money. Howard figured that's how he got her because she wouldn't date anyone who didn't have money. Howard said this guy is a regular looking guy and he's a little shocked about that. He figured he'd be a Luke Perry looking type of guy. Kimberly said that those guys aren't good looking.
Kimberly explained how they met at this bachelor party. She said that he hit on her when she walked in and said he thought he knew her from somewhere. Howard asked the guy, Brett, if he was going to marry this girl. Kimberly was kind of wondering that as well. She said that she actually got married to another guy to get back at this guy. She told him that he ended up losing a lot of money out in Las Vegas one time and it turns out it was like $20,000. She didn't know it was that much so she let out a ''Holy shit'' that Howard wasn't sure if he was able to hit the delay on. He said the delay was dead when he hit the button and he thought it might have made it out on the air.
Howard asked Kimberly would say yes if Brett asked her to marry him. He also said that she would make a good mother and kind of laughed as he was saying it. He said that it would ruin her body if she did something like that though.
Howard found out from Brett that Kimberly is wild in bed so he said he would marry her if he could. He said he'd have to wear ear plugs to deal with her. He said he'd have to find someone to talk to her during the day so he wouldn't have to do it. He asked her if she would ever cheat on Brett. She claimed she wouldn't. Howard asked her if she would stay with him if he was in a disfiguring accident. She would do that and stay with him but when Howard asked Brett what he would do, Kimberly said she would kill herself if she was in an accident like that.
Brett said that Kimberly never lets him buy her anything so he doesn't think that she likes him just for his money. Howard asked Brett if he's going to marry this woman. Brett said he will eventually marry her but that pissed her off because he was saying that he would eventually do that. Brett asked her to marry him right then but she reminded him that she's already married and she has to get out of that first.
Howard told Kimberly that it was a pleasure to see her and started to wrap up with the two of them. He said that he wants to get some women who are willing to get naked next time. He went to break but during the commercial Kimberly let out another curse that kind of freaked him out.
Howard said that De Niro has a thing for black chicks so he's surprised that he didn't hit on her. Robin said he wasn't talking much at the party and kept his head down for a lot of the time. She said that no one knew who she was at this party. She said there are still pockets of the city where no one knows the show.
Howard said it really is like that out there in the city. Robin said that Robert left the party early without anyone and that was it. Howard asked her how her date was. She said it was fine. They went out to dinner before the party and then hung out at the party for a while. They went home at around Midnight. She said she went home after that but wouldn't say if Michael ever got to see her apartment or not.
Howard asked Robin if she invited the guy back to her apartment. She said she didn't but she did kiss him goodnight. Howard figured that she had to have done something with him but she claims that she's holding out. Howard asked her what she's holding out for. He said that she ran out of the TV show taping on Friday night and figured she was up to something. Robin said that they could have been out of there earlier if they hadn't waited to write something until the last minute. Howard said he was getting changed out of make-up for over an hour but she said that they were screwing around with other stuff too.
Robin was complaining but Howard and the guys figured it was because she was in love. Howard had her read some news stories after that so they could get that done before Sam Kinison showed up. Howard and Robin spent some time talking about the NY Giants and how they were doing. Howard didn't think they'd be able to turn things around no matter how good they were getting. Howard had to take a commercial break a short time later.
Robin read a story about the death of Miles Davis so Howard did an impression of him for a short time. He asked Gary if he could find some Miles Davis music to play. Gary said they should have some there at the station somewhere. He said he'd go find something for him to play.
Howard asked Gary to find a speech that was made by Quincy Jones about Miles Davis but Gary said it would take him about 20 minutes to find it. That led to Howard going off on him for not being organized better. He asked him how he stores tape of certain things on the show. Gary told him how he does it and he didn't like what he was hearing so he made some suggestions to make it easier to find everything they keep there.
Sam said that he and Malika had sex the night before for four or five hours and he was amazed that he lasted that long. Howard sounded like he was amazed that he was able to last that long. Sam said that Malika is so good that he was able to come to completion about four or five times in that four to five hour period. Malika said she lost count and wasn't sure how many times it actually was.
Howard got a hold of a Miles Davis album so he played some of that. He and Sam were goofing around saying that it sounded kind of like gay porno music. Howard and Sam were doing their gay impressions and creating a gay porn scene.
Robin got into some more news stories but Sam told her that since he was there, her news was over. Robin kept going though and tried to get in a few stories. There was some mention of a yeast infection during the news so Howard and Sam were talking about that. Howard told Malika that if she has that problem, she should drink cranberry juice to take care of it.
Robin wrapped up her news so Howard got back to Sam and said that his manager was there with him. He said he'd never met him before. Sam said that the guy's name is Magid so Howard tried to figure out where that name came from. Sam said that it was actually Palestinian. Sam said that Magid was in Vietnam so Howard wanted to ask him about that. He said he had a lot to ask him and to ask Sam since they hadn't seen each other in a long time.
Howard and Sam talked about how close they came to being sent to Vietnam. Howard said he knew he wasn't going though. He had to go to break right after that.
Howard talked about the last time Sam was there and didn't make it to Joan Rivers' show and David Letterman's show because of ''bad Chinese food.'' Howard told him he loves that excuse. Sam said his brother Bill came up with that excuse. Sam said that he had just overextended himself that day. Howard said that Pat Cooper thinks that he's making up excuses for Sam himself but that's not what he's doing. Sam said that he just made a bad judgment call, he didn't kill himself or anything that bad, he just missed a show.
Sam said that Joan is made at him for being the outlaw that he is so it doesn't make a lot of sense to him. Howard said that Sam was supposed to do Letterman that night as well so he asked what was up with that. Sam said that was a misunderstanding because he thought he had an extra 2 hours to get there. Sam said he spoke to Bob Morton over at Letterman's show and he told him they're fine.
Howard told Sam about shooting his TV show over the weekend and how he ended up showing his belly hanging over his belt. He said he's really got to lose another 10 pounds.
Howard said he thinks that David Letterman hates him but Sam doesn't think that's the case. Howard also asked him what he thinks about Mark and Brian now. Sam said that they are nothing and they didn't help him out with the Joan Rivers thing.
Howard and Sam talked about the whole Joan Rivers thing and how Howard was able to smooth things over with the two of them. Sam mentioned those two pussies Mark and Brian again so that led to them talking about how bad their TV show was doing in the ratings. Howard ended up playing some more Miles Davis music and went back into his gay impression while they were talking about this TV Show ''Rock'' that had some gay stuff in it. Howard had some fun with that for a couple of minutes.
Howard told Sam that his friend Doug (Bady) was on the show recently and told some great stories about Jerry Lewis. Sam said that guy has a great gig raising money for a disease that has no cure. They spent a short time on that and then Howard asked Sam about the TV show he was going to do for FOX. He was supposed to go in for a meeting but he ended up missing the meeting. Sam said he wasn't sure what the meeting was going to be like so he wasn't sure if he should bring a lawyer with him. They told him not to bring one so he figured that meant that he should bring one, but he didn't.
Howard spent some time talking to Malika about what it's like to live with Sam. While they were doing that Howard was playing some Miles Davis songs that all sounded alike to him. He and Sam got into some gay impressions again during that. Then Howard was playing the songs at the wrong speed on his record player and it didn't sound all that different to him. He was playing it at 33, 45 and 78 and it didn't make a big difference. He had to go to another commercial break after that.
Howard got back to Sam and Malika and asked them if they're going to get married. Sam said that they're going to eventually get married but they'll have to sneak away and do it instead of having a wedding. Sam figured that they'd leave someone out and they'd get pissed so they're just going to get married in Vegas. They almost did it but they had forgotten their IDs when they were out there last time.
Howard told Sam that he wants to have his bachelor party there and televise it. Sam said that he remembers Stephen Baldwin's bachelor party which was pretty nuts. Howard changed subjects again and got back to Sam and Malika's relationship. Sam had been cheating on Malika with her sister Sabrina so Howard said that every man fantasizes about stuff like that so it's not surprising that Sam was actually doing that. Malika said she knew Sam dreamed about that but she didn't know he was actually going to go through with it.
Malika said Sam came to her and told her about what was going on. Howard said he pictures Sam saying that he's going to go out to the video store and then goes out to his car, hops in and peels out as he's heading over to Sabrina's place. That led to Howard talking about the time he drove with Sam in his car and he was messing around with his 10 CD player while he was driving around. Howard said Sam was demonstrating how fast his car would go and was messing around with his CDs the whole time. He said Sam was probably even stirring his drink with his penis while doing all of that stuff. Howard also talked about how Sam had seen his billboard out on the Sunset Strip so he backed his car up to show him while they were in traffic.
Howard said that it must have been crazy for Sam to run out and get laid with Sabina while he was still with Malika. Malika said that he was never gone for very long so she must have been quick and not very good. Howard asked Robin what she thinks happened there. Robin thinks that Sabrina was cheating on Sam so he kicked her out. Howard asked Sam if that's what happened. Sam explained their relationship and how he had been with Malika for a year and a half before he did anything with Sabrina.
Sam said that he and Malika worked things out after they talked about what happened. Sam said that she's ended up with some loser now after meeting a bunch of rock stars. He said that's what really upset him, not the fact that she was seeing other guys. Howard said that maybe she's happy though. Sam said he wanted to see her do better than she's doing though. Malika was telling Sam that he was a bit of a scumbag himself for cheating on her. Sam thought that he was getting pretty beat up there by her going off on him like that.
Sam was saying that he and Malika had never really lived alone until they kicked Sabrina out. He said that they're really happy now. He said he was very nervous about telling Malika about what was going on but he knew he had to do it. Malika said that Sam was just thinking with the wrong head at the time. Howard told Sam that he must have had Schitzo-penia at the time. He said that Sabrina must have been caught in Sam's spell at the time.
Sam asked Howard to denounce Dice Clay like he denounced Mark and Brian earlier in the show. He thought that dice might be listening to the show and might use his material or something like that. Howard told Sam that he is the number one comedian in the country and he hurts him with those comments.
Howard got back to the Sabrina thing and talked to Malika about that. The affair went on for a year and a half so he kept bringing that up. Malika said she didn't understand why Sam was buying her jewelry and stuff. Sam told Howard how he sat Malika down at a bar one day and told her he had something to tell her. He was very nervous at the time so he had to have a few drinks before he told her what was going on.
Howard wanted to recreate the situation so he played some Miles Davis music. He had Fred playing some pouring drink sounds and stuff like that as well. Sam said he told Malika about how well she had treated him and then broke the news to her about cheating on her with Sabrina. Howard asked him if he was holding her hand because he was afraid that she was going to stab him. Sam said he was kind of worried and so was his brother. He said his brother Bill knew about what was going on and he was afraid for him.
Malika said she didn't want to destroy their relationship of being honest with each other so she didn't want to break up. She said she was hurt by the whole thing though. Sam said that she called Sabrina after that and had a discussion with her about what was going on.
Howard asked Sam if he thinks he can get away with more behavior like that after Malika forgave him for something like that. Sam said he realizes that he has a woman who really loves him and he wouldn't do that again. He said he made a promise to her and to himself not to do anything like that again so he won't. Howard said that this is a testament to love when two people can get over something like that. He also said that he wonders what Meg Griffin was thinking as she was hearing this stuff before her show.
Howard asked Sam and Malika how long it took for them to get back to having sex. Malika said she didn't remember but it may have been the next night. Sam said that they've had some wild sexual adventures so it wasn't surprising that they were back to having sex pretty quick.
Malika said that she wouldn't have had a big problem with Sam if he had cheated on her with another woman, as long as she wasn't family. That's the part that really hurt her. Howard asked Sam how many women Malika could bring home on one night. Malika said that they haven't really tried everything like that so there's still some chance of that happening sometime. Sam sounded pretty pleased about that news.
Howard asked Malika how she would pick up a chick in a bar or something. She said she wouldn't be all that blunt when he talks to a woman. Howard figured she'd just come right out and ask her to come home with them but she said she wouldn't do that.
Sam said that he was going to be doing a show at Jimmy's comedy club that night. That led to them talking about that club and some other comedians. Howard was still thinking about Malika bringing home chicks for Sam. He asked her if she would try to bring Joan Rivers home for him. She just laughed and said that he's horrible. Sam said he might do Joan if he had the chance.
Sam said that he'll be doing an all new show at Jimmy's tonight and he's sure that Dice will send in his writers to steal his latest material.
Howard and Sam got into the gay thing with the Miles Davis music again. Howard was saying that he and Sam got into a gay thing the night before after banging Malika a bunch of times. He was just joking around of course. He said he couldn't bang Malika in the same room with another man if he actually had that chance.
Howard told Sam he had done it again on the show today. He had revealed many things and he has unbelievable respect for him. He asked Robin if there was anything that they had missed in the news earlier. Robin said after Sam's stories, there was nothing she could come up with. Howard told Magid that he hopes he has fun with whatever he's doing.
Robin found a story about Roseanne Barr and Tom Arnold so she told the guys about that. That led to Howard and Sam going off on her for a short time. Howard said that she seems to be screaming out for attention. He also said that Tom Arnold was out saying that he's a second rate radio guy. Howard said that Tom has done nothing with his life other than marrying some fatso.
Robin found a few more stories to go through before they ended the show. She whipped through a bunch of quick stories before Howard did end the show. Howard ended up talking about Sammy Davis Jr. and his wife. He said that Sammy ended up with no money and he's amazed that his wife didn't know about that. Robin said that he owed the IRS $5 million when he died and left that behind for his wife. Howard said he thinks that Sammy may have been injecting tobacco into his ass to hurry his death along when the end was near because he knew he wouldn't be able to pay off that $5 million. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:00am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard started off the show talking to Robin about how he wasn't able to go to bed the night before. Howard said he was watching CNN and saw that the leader of Russia, Gorbachev, was in jail. He joked that Tom Chiusano was also out of power there at K-Rock. He said that's what he wishes was true but wasn't. Howard said Tom would never leave. He doesn't have anywhere to go.
Howard said he had a party on Saturday night and Senator D'Amato showed up to the party. He said he thinks that it was his way of thanking him for sticking up for him. Howard said one of the ways he got the guy to his house was going to his fund raiser. Howard said he went there but didn't know what to wear when he went. Howard said he's very awkward in front of people and he really sticks out.
Howard said everyone was wearing a jacket and tie but he was wearing stuff that made him look like a pirate. Howard said he felt uncomfortable there but he was kind of happy that he was. He said he went over there with a friend.
Howard said that he didn't get to bed until about 3 in the morning after his party. Howard said that the people who wouldn't leave the party were Ralph, Patty and Robin. Howard said he just wasn't able to get them out the door. Howard said he saw Ralph and Robin wrestling out on the deck and Ralph was putting ice cubes down Robin's dress.
Howard said Jackie was calling him an a-hole the whole night. He said Jackie jumped in the pool with two beers in his hands at one point. Howard said people were saying that he's definitely a drunk when they saw that.
Howard said that Jackie had a big plate of condiments in his hand and he was eating ribs with grease running down his arm. He liked it so much that he didn't even hear what was going on.
Howard said that Jackie and his wife were arguing the whole night and Nancy ended up getting thrown in the pool. Howard said Jackie was really loaded when he got to the party and then he drank more there. He said he figured that Jackie was going to end up in the bottom of the pool after passing out.
Howard said that Fred was the weirdest guy at the party. Robin said that she had her own reasons for feeling the same way. Howard said that Fred has found the perfect girl for himself. He said that Fred hung around her the whole night and he used to do that to guys that he'd latch on to.
Howard wondered why Fred didn't get thrown into the pool. Robin said that it was because Fred warned people that if his shirt got wet he was going to kill them.
Howard said that Jackie ended up in a headlock at one point with Dominic and he as punching him in the head. Howard said that Dominic was still complaining about what an ass hole Jackie was the day after. Howard said that Jackie turns into a really angry drunk. Jackie didn't think that was true. Fred said he missed that whole thing.
Howard said that D'Amato was there with a Secret Service guy and that guy said that if Jackie put his hands on him he was going to have to break his legs. Robin said that Jackie was thinking about getting D'Amato into the pool but she said that she didn't want to know him if he was going to try that.
Gary said that Jackie tried to talk to the Secret Service guy but he wouldn't even make eye contact with Jackie.
Howard talked about Congressman Lent getting up to make a speech and then one of the Secret Service guys asked him to join him up at the podium. Howard said he gets really nervous in front of crowds so he wasn't sure he wanted to do that. He said that's why he's in radio and not a public speaker. He said he can do it no problem on a microphone but not in front of a crowd.
Howard said that D'Amato was making his speech and thanking people for showing up to the fund raiser. He then called up ''Howard Stern'' to say hello to them. Howard said he thought about doing a dick joke but then said that he just went up and figured that it would be best not to do that. He wasn't sure if he should just say hello or say something else.
Howard said that he told the crowd that he's really shy and that made everyone laugh. They didn't know that he was serious about that. Howard said that he only said a few words before leaving. He said that he figured they wanted him to say a lot more but he did get hand shakes from Senator D'Amato and the Congressman that was there. He said he kind of blew it but he had no idea that he was going to be speaking there. Howard said that he felt like a real dick after that.
Howard said that he didn't know if they wanted him to speak before he went to the fund raiser. Howard said he sucked and it was a real downer. He said he wished that they hadn't asked him to speak. He said he would have done it differently if he had known ahead of time that they wanted him to speak.
Howard said that D'Amato told him that he had a good time at his party. He stayed there for like an hour and a half. Howard said he told him that if he didn't have to go to a wedding he would have gotten into the pool.
Gary said that the party was great. He said that the food was good and they had a lot of fun. Gary said that Ralph was putting ice down Robin's back and she was going nuts while that was going on. Robin said the ice ended up going into her panty hose and then she had a wet spot on her. Howard said she was doing a really wild dance while that was going on.
Howard said his parents had a good time there and they stayed up until midnight. He said that's the first time he's ever seen them do that.
Howard said D'Amato is great because he remembers everyone's name. Howard said he should have talked about that kind of stuff when he was making his speech. Howard said he had a lot of stuff he could have talked about when he was up there in front of everyone. Howard told Gary to make a tape of this speech and send it to D'Amato for next year's fund raiser.
Howard said he felt like a big ugly girl at that party and he felt so out of place. He said he just choked under pressure. He said he gets real nervous doing that stuff. He said he was barely able to speak in front of people in college. He said that he can get it together if he knows that he has to do it though.
Howard said that Karen from the TV show looked really good. Howard said he had never seen her in a bathing suit before.
Howard said that he had to take Neil's motorcycle keys so he wouldn't drive home drunk on that thing. He had Ronnie drive it home for him instead.
Howard said he could have done a really good speech for D'Amato if he had known what they wanted him to do. He went into a whole long speech about the guy the way he could have done it.
Howard said that he met some guy from the Jets there at the fund raiser. He said that was Pat Kelly. He wasn't sure what he does though. Howard said that he got a boner in front of D'Amato's mother when he saw Pat Kelly's fiancee. Gary didn't know who the guy was either. Howard said he knows nothing about that stuff.
Howard said that Fred was making out with his fiancee. He said he didn't get a good look at her until the party. Howard said that he wouldn't mind doing her but she's wasting all of that on Fred.
Howard said that Fred's girlfriend is sexy and all but she's no super model. Howard said that Fred was hanging on to her like she was one. He said that he was hanging off of her the whole time they were there. He said they were acting like they just met. Gary said that Fred is that kind of guy.
Howard said he told Fred to come with him for a second and Fred looked at her like he was ripping them apart. Howard said it was like the end of Casablanca. Howard said he predicts that they'll be divorced in 5 years. Fred said that they've been together for 4 years already.
Howard said he had to call Fred about coming to the party. Alison answered the phone so he had to talk to her instead. Howard said that Fred was probably under her dress sniffing around. Howard said that Fred should be wrapped around him like that for what he's been able to do for him. Howard said that Jackie and Nancy were out there with them at the time.
Howard said that he never gets invited out there to hang out with Fred and Alison or Jackie and Nancy. Howard said he didn't even know they got together like that. Gary said that Fred invited him out there too but he wasn't able to make it. Howard told Gary that his girlfriend was cute too. Gary thanked him for that.
Howard said that he ended up getting thrown into the pool at one point. Howard said that Jackie's wife looked good in her bathing suit. He said that she's got a really tight body.
Howard said that Neil was coming on a little strong at the party. He was kind of attacking Karen and he didn't even know her. They spent a minute on that and then had to go to break.
Howard said that Robin was getting dunked and almost drowned in the pool at his party. Gary said that Neil was really out of control with the water gun he had.
Howard said that his daughter was freaking out over Jackie hurting Robin. He said that his daughter thought Jackie was cool but then he was hurting Robin. Howard said that Jackie was mauling Robin there and that was something that his daughter had never seen.
Howard said he heard that Jackie was peeing in the pool but Jackie swore he didn't. Howard said that would be really disgusting. He said he understands doing it in the ocean but not in the pool.
Howard asked what happened with Scott the Engineer. Gary said that Scott's wife had to leave early. Scott ended up staying at the party. Gary said that they had the kid at home and she didn't want to stay too late so she headed home. Howard said that someone drove Scott home. Gary said that was Towncar Jack who drove Scott home.
Howard said that Ralph's girlfriend Patty looked really good at the party. He said that she had short shorts on and her ass was hanging out. Gary said she got thrown into the pool too and she wasn't wearing a bra so she had to cover up with her hands.
Scott came in so Howard asked him what happened with his wife. Scott said they had the in-laws watching their kid so his wife went home. Howard said he thought that Wayne Segal's wife was nice looking too. Robin said that there were people yelling out to ''Rip off Barbara's top!'' over and over again.
Howard said it was weird that he had a senator there at the party and these guys were picking up people in chairs and throwing people into the pool.
Howard said that his pool smelled of beer when he went out to it the next day. He said that everyone had drinks out there. Gary said that Neil was shooting that water pistol and he was shooting it in the direction of Senator D'Amato. Howard said he had to tell them to calm down with that stuff.
Howard said it was a really weird scene at his house that day. Howard said Jackie was in the pool with those two beers and he was keeping them above his head so they wouldn't get wet. Howard said that Fred was busy with that girlfriend of his the whole time.
Scott said that Fred did leave his girlfriend for about 5 minutes. Fred went to check out Leslie West's new equipment. Howard said that Leslie was looking for excuses not to play so he was asking if his electrical outlets were grounded. Howard said of course they're grounded and he knew that Leslie was just looking for a way out of performing.
Howard said Fred really loves his girlfriend. Howard asked him what kind of shoes he was wearing there. Fred said they were just some old black shoes. He said they were nothing special. Fred said that he bought them a while ago. Howard said that Robin was wearing the skimpiest of dresses at the party.
Gary said that Stuttering John was drinking a beer and ended up laughing so hard he spit out his beer on a bunch of people. Fred said he just stood there watching as one of the women was dripping in his spit out beer.
Gary said that Jackie showed up in a bathing suit and everyone knew that he was going to be the first one into the pool.
Howard said that Dominic hates Jackie now because of what he was doing at the party. Jackie said that he and John were sneaking around looking for people to throw into the pool. Howard said that Dominic didn't want to be wet in the pool because he's a big guy and he'd be embarrassed. Jackie said that he did think about it after this went on and he know they were wrong.
Jackie said that he and John were going to shuffle Dominic into the pool but when they got there, John ended up giving up on trying to make it happen and Dominic wasn't going into the pool. Jackie said he looked over and saw John 10 feet away after giving up. Jackie said he was still trying to get Dominic in the pool but he was like a brick wall and wouldn't move. Jackie gave up and said that he told Dominic he didn't have to get so mad at him for what he did. He was still mad at him 10 minutes later. Jackie said he really likes him so he'll apologize to him again.
Howard read the story about Billy Preston and said that he was due to come in tomorrow. Gary said that he hasn't officially canceled yet.
Gary said that they had Pat Cooper on the phone. Howard said that Pat is on some kind of rant about something. Gary said that he's not happy about the way Howard has handled some stuff on the show. Howard wondered what exactly that was.
Howard picked up on Pat and asked him what Pat had to plug. Pat said he wasn't plugging anything. Howard said he felt terrible after he found out that he was out on Long Island over the weekend. Howard said he would have had him over to his party if he had known that he was there.
Howard said that Pat called Gary over the weekend and ranted and raved about something. Pat said that he wasn't ranting and raving. Pat was going to get into it but when he heard Howard laughing, he thought he was thinking this was all a joke. Howard said that he wasn't laughing because of that.
Pat started to rant a little bit but Howard was trying to explain what it was he was talking about. Pat kept telling Howard to hold on and kept cutting him off.
Howard said that he's been getting calls about this subject and he wonders what Pat's point is. Pat said that he's not sure why he has these people, like Sam Kinison, on the show. Howard said that Sam sells a lot of tickets and he comes on the show to promote his stuff.
Pat seemed a little upset with Howard for trying to be funny during this discussion. Howard said that he's always joking about stuff so he can't get mad at him for that. Pat said that you can't condone someone who does this nonsense all the time.
Howard said that Pat was upset about Sam Kinison getting booked on the Joan Rivers show and then not showing up for it. Howard said that he's not sure what's up with Pat today. Pat said that there was this guy George Kirby who ended up going to jail for selling coke. He said that as soon as he got out he got a bunch of jobs doing comedy and TV shows and that's a bunch of bull. Pat said that there are people out there doing good things and they don't get that kind of work.
Howard asked Pat how he can sit there and say that George Kirby doesn't deserve what he got. Pat said he just doesn't. Pat said that there are talented people out there who deserve a shot before people like George Kirby does.
Robin said that if someone can get interviews as they're making a come back then it shouldn't be an issue. Pat said that it's not a come back, he did something bad and he shouldn't be getting stuff like that after doing what he did.
Howard asked Pat who is a bigger fan of his than him. Pat said that Howard was trying to twist things around and he was out of line. Pat said there is a thing in their business called character and he wondered what happened to that.
Pat said that he has a right to have an opinion and he didn't even want to talk about this stuff on the air. He said he wanted to talk to him about this stuff off the air. Pat said that there are nice people out there who deserve a shot on TV before people like this Sam Kinison. Howard said that you can't take that away from Sam though. Pat said that's just his opinion and he deserves that.
Howard asked Pat if he is saying that he wants to be on the Joan Rivers show. Pat said no to that. He said that's not what he's looking for at all.
Howard said that Pat is on fire today. Pat asked why he has to go on radio and talk bad about people like David Letterman, who he didn't even know, to get on his show. Pat, Howard and Robin were all arguing back and forth about that stuff for a few minutes.
Howard asked Pat if he was alright because it seemed that he was angry at him. Pat said that he was fine and he wasn't angry at him. Pat said that he doesn't care about Sam and Joan working together. He said that they actually deserve each other.
Howard was trying to explain to Pat how show business works. Pat thought that they should be giving people shots who weren't so hot in the business but Howard said that they have to have people on the show who are hot because that's what people want to hear. He said that he has interesting people on the show and that's the way things work.
Pat told Howard that Joan Rivers is full of crap. He said that everyone becomes friends when they need to use them to get on shows. He ended up apologizing to Howard for wasting his time with this nonsense. He said that at least he says this stuff on the air. He said that there are so many people that don't talk about this stuff.
Robin asked Pat if he had a stand-up act before he went on his first interview. Pat stopped her and refused to answer her questions. Pat said that Joan is a hypocrite. He said that she's like Hitler. Howard said that he's comparing Joan to Hitler. Pat said that they're very similar. He and Howard were going back and forth on that and Pat was yelling the whole time.
Howard said he can see that he's upset about Joan Rivers. Pat was still yelling so Howard tried to explain to him why he does what he does with Sam and Joan. Howard said that he put them on the air to talk about the problems they had. He said that Pat was listening to every minute of it so it must have been good radio.
Howard told Pat that he was getting worked up over nothing. He said that he was confusing a lot of issues. Howard said that it's great for him and his show to have Joan and Sam talking about that stuff on the show. He said he likes to hear that kind of stuff. That's the same reason he has Pat on the show.
Pat thought that Howard was putting him down and started to go off on him about that. Howard said he likes Pat's point but then he said that Pat was making him out to be some kind of sucker who puts people on the show who he doesn't think should be on.
Howard said that Pat was making him look bad there. He told Pat that the bottom line is that Sam Kinison would come on the show when he was at the height of his career and he didn't have to do that. Howard said he asked Sam to do some stuff for him that he didn't have to do and he was always there for him. Howard said he has friends of his who won't do his TV show because they don't know if the show is hot enough. He said that there are people who don't want to be part of his Crucified by the FCC tapes but Sam was there for him for all of that stuff.
Pat said that he thinks that Howard should have told Pat that he was out of order with Joan. Howard said he was never out of order with him. He said he's not Sam's father so he can't tell him what to do about the Joan Rivers show. Pat thinks that he should have.
Howard said he understands what Pat is saying but he can't get involved with the relationship between Sam and Joan. Howard told Pat to get dressed and come down there. Pat said he couldn't make it, it wasn't a good day.
Howard let Pat go a short time later. Robin said that Pat wasn't even that angry at his own family. Howard said they should play ''All in the Pat Cooper Family.''
Gary said that Pat was upset with what Howard did but Howard said that Pat is out of line with that. Howard said that he wanted to clear it up and let people know what's really going on. He said that he always keeps his appointments himself but he's not in control of what Sam does. He said that Sam knows how to handle himself and no one is going to change him. Howard said that the Joan and Sam thing is their business, not his.
Howard said that Pat was worked up about the Pee Wee situation too. He said that Pat didn't like that he was getting the shaft and tried defending him but now he's complaining about what Sam and Joan were up to. Howard said that he doesn't think that Pat is even clear on what he's saying. They had to go to break after that.
Howard said that he thought the Pat Cooper call was kind of cool with him erupting like he did. Howard said that he's not sure why Pat so angry with Robin when she was asking him questions. He said that he didn't get why he was upset about any of that stuff they were talking about.
Howard said that Pat was also talking about getting on Letterman's show. Howard said that the reason they booked him over there is because Letterman heard him on this show and booked him. Howard said that the guy is interesting and that's what gets you on TV. Howard said that Pat doesn't seem to get that.
Howard said that Pat really was fired up. He said that he guesses that Pat is jealous of other people who get on shows. He said that it's not that easy to get booked on shows and maybe Pat is upset that these other guys are having so much success.
In another fax a gay guy was talking about how gross the guys looked on the Super Bowl party show. Howard said that they never claimed to be good looking. He said that good looking guys don't need to have a Super Bowl party with hot chicks rubbing them down. He said that the good looking guys can get that anytime.
Howard said there were times when he would go a year without getting laid. Howard said it was horrible when he'd go out with his friends and they'd get girls and he wouldn't. He said he'd just sit there like an idiot while his buddy was making out with a chick.
Howard said that he did get his share of women but it was very hard work for him. Howard said there were times when women would end up crying and calling their boyfriends in Albany to tell them what happened.
Howard said that he caught some of the guys watching themselves on TV on Saturday night. He said that Ronnie was all proud of himself about the way he looked in that show. Howard said Ronnie had that wolf back of his on that show.
Howard brought up the story about Gorbachev being arrested. He and Robin went over that news story for a short time.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he ordered ''Crucified by the FCC'' about 11 weeks ago and didn't get it yet. Howard put the guy on hold so they could figure that out.
Another caller said that Jackie was right about Pat Cooper and the Pee Wee thing. Howard thanked him for the call and said that he really didn't want to get into it with that guy.
Howard ended up talking about his TV show and how nice it is not to be doing more shows. He said that they're waiting for WWOR to let them know if they're picking up the show for another season. Howard said he's been lobbying for them to drop the show already because he's kind of sick of doing them. Howard said that they have nothing else going on over there right now. He said that they're hoping they don't do it for a long time even though it has been fun doing it. Howard said that they'd have to start taping soon and he's not looking forward to that.
The caller on the line was telling Howard how hard it was to watch his TV show with his mother in the room. He talked about the time that they did the Pee Wee spoof on the show and his mother didn't know who Pee Wee was. Howard found that hard to believe that she had no idea who he was at all. The guy said that she did hear about him jerking off in the theater.
Howard took another call from a guy who was acting kind of odd. Howard ended up hanging up on that guy. He said he has no patience for that. He said the guy had the radio going in the background and he just couldn't take it. Howard said he'd like to make their number unlisted so they can weed out the idiots.
Howard said that he didn't want to read the whole NY Times article about them being on out in Los Angeles. He said it was kind of boring. He said that they're going to do just fine out there though.
Robin read some news about Billy Preston's arrest. That led to Howard talking about how they had him booked for the show the day after. He swore that he was booked on the show the next day. Howard said they might have to bail him out so he can come on the show. Gary came in and said that they have Billy on the calendar so he really was booked for the show. They had to take a break after that.
Howard said he didn't care about Billy Preston anymore. He told the cop that he agrees with the way the cops beat Rodney King and he supports them in that.
Howard asked the cop about Billy Preston, who was arrested and in the Malibu jail. The cop said that he was bailed out the night before. Howard said that the reason they were calling was to find out if he was going to be able to make it to the show. The cop said there's a chance that he will be on.
Howard asked what the charges were and tried to figure all of that out. The cop told him about the sexual battery charges and explained what they had found on him. They found some cocaine on him and charged him with sexual battery. They also confiscated some pictures from him that they will be using for evidence.
Howard said he'd like to take a look at those pictures himself. The cop said that Billy had allegedly thrown a young man to the ground too.
Howard said that they should have some interview with Billy tomorrow. He said they have to wait for the trial to come up to find out what happens with all of that. Howard asked if the kid was okay. The cop was saying that the 16 year old was fine. The cop said that he had picked the child up where they pick up day laborers so the kid probably thought he was going to be working for him.
Howard thanked the cop for coming on the air and let him go. The cop thought his name was ''David'' so Howard had to correct him on that.
Robin had some news about the cops faxing some paper work in the Pee Wee Herman case that says he blurted out that he was Pee Wee when they caught him masturbating in the theater.
Robin read some a story about a guy from China who was killed while doing street art and was attacked by some kids.
Robin read a story about a guy who got the wrong heart transplant. That led to Howard talking about how he just wants to be buried intact when he dies. He said he doesn't want people taking parts out of him.
Howard talked about the Billy Preston story a little more. He said it was weird that he'd be picking up a young boy at a day labor location. Robin said she hopes that it's just a misunderstanding. Fred played some Billy Preston music while they were talking about that. They spent a few minutes playing that and talking about the charges against Billy. Howard said he had to hear ''Nothin From Nothin'' so he played some of that as well. Fred played some sound effects during that song. He played a snake sound with the boing sound to make it sound like he was taking his penis out.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked what they had to say about what's going on in Russia. Howard told her that he had already talked about that. The woman told Howard to call the embassy and encourage them a little more. Howard said that he also heard that this country is going to be sending them more money even though we have a ridiculously huge deficit. Howard said that he's actually happy about other country's misfortunes.
Another caller said that Howard got cheered on the Arsenio Hall show when Sam Kinison brought it up. Howard was having some trouble understanding what the guy was saying. The guy told Howard about what happened on that show. Howard said that he will never be invited on that show again after he got kicked out of his studio. Howard said they invited him on because he's outrageous and then when he's outrageous they kick him off the show. Robin said that they should have him on this show instead.
Howard said that he always ends up getting into fights with everyone he meets. He said that everyone ends up hating them after some time.
Howard read some news about Michael Landon's death and the fight that's going on with the family. They had to take a break after that.
Howard said that they're always dressed up in weird outfits. He said they're always grabbing each other and holding each other in the pictures. He said they could have just wrapped their arms around each other instead of their legs.
Howard said that a lot of people were turned off to Jackie at his party. He said that it was like a 60/40 split. Howard said that Jackie kind of proved that he's an alcoholic at the party. Jackie said that Howard wanted him to drink so he does and then he gets crap for it.
Fred and Jackie came to the party together so they talked about drinking in the limo on the way there and how they were dancing in the car the whole time. Howard said that everyone seemed to have a good time out there. He said other than Jackie and Dominic getting into a fight, it all went pretty well.
Howard said that Jackie was circulating the party and going to third base with just about everyone he spoke to. Howard said that Fred never left his girlfriend's side.
Howard said that he asked Nancy to pull his sneaker off at one point and she had some trouble doing it. He said that she stuck her foot in his crotch to get some leverage. He said he kind of liked that.
Howard said that his daughter told Kevin McMahon that he was a geek with the short hair so he had to tell her she can't do that. Howard said that Kevin was humiliated by an 8 year old.
Howard said that his friend Wayne has figured out a way to make sure his wife doesn't get his money if he dies. He said that she's happy when she comes home and sees that he's lived another day. Howard said that she's going to keep him alive as long as she can.
Robin told Howard that she really liked his house and how nice it was. Howard said that it's nice but it shows a lack of saving money. He said he should probably be squirreling it away like Jackie does with all of his money. Howard asked Jackie if he has a life insurance policy for Nancy. Jackie said of course he does.
Howard got back to the Michael Landon story and read more about that. The story had details about how much the family is supposed to get from his estate. Howard said that he thinks that they should split it all up evenly. Howard said that was some family man there. He said that they have a big battle going on for that guy's money.
Howard said that it's like winning a lottery and having to split it with co-workers. Howard said that his grandfather left him some money but it was like $15.
Robin read some news about Patrick Swayze winning a People Magazine poll for being the sexiest man alive. Robin said she's not really a fan of his and found Fred to be about equal.
Robin read a story about a Cub Scout troop that was kept out of a camp when the people at the camp said that they didn't allow any black kids in there.
Robin read some news about William Kennedy Smith's rape case. Howard ended up talking about these frivolous court cases and how Dan Quayle was talking about making people who bring up the cases pay for the fees if they end up losing the case. He said that the lawyers were all going nuts when they hear him saying that.
Robin read more about the William Kennedy Smith case and how much that was costing them. Howard said that the whole legal system is wacky.
Robin read through a couple more stories and wrapped up after that. Howard ended up talking to DJ Jimmy Fink for a few minutes as he was ending the show. Howard talked to Jimmy about the house he has out on Long Island. They ended the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about how they keep changing his microphone there and how he has to yell into it every day. He asked the guys to fix that and his headphones too. He complained about the microphone some more and said that he was too busy to talk to someone yesterday about it. He asked Scott to come in and fix it for him. Robin's was the same so she didn't have a problem.
Howard asked Scott how he can get it put back the way it was supposed to be. He went off on Scott a little bit about that. Scott fixed it by adjusting a ''10 db pad'' on the board so it would over modulate a little bit. Howard anted to know where the button was so he could adjust it himself. He got it fixed and said that he knew there was something wrong with it.
Scott said that no one is supposed to touch that microphone so it shouldn't have been out of adjustment. Howard said that it's the other DJs out there who are jealous of him. They're the ones who are messing with him. He said that Scott was all proud of himself for doing something right for a change.
Robin said that the cops told her that she'd never see her vehicle again after it was taken. They told her that it was probably in a chop shop somewhere.
Howard asked Stuttering John to get him some bananas that weren't green like the ones he had were. He talked about how Fred eats green ones but that's just not right. Fred said that he likes them green like that and doesn't need them to be yellow. He doesn't like them mushy when they turn yellow.
Howard said he'd love a bagel but he's on a diet so he can't have one. Stuttering John thought that they were a good dietary item but Howard told him that they were filled with fat.
Howard said he was up last night watching Letterman. He said that he didn't get much sleep and he was miserable when his alarm went off at 4 this morning. He complained about life and what a pain in the ass it is. He said he just doesn't get off on getting up early in the morning anymore and doing his show. He said the only thing he gets off on is beating his competitors. He said he hates doing the TV show but the radio show is okay.
Howard complained about the TV show and all of the little things they complain about over there. He said that has soured everything for him. He said that if he got rid of that show he could go back to hating the radio show. He wouldn't mind it if he didn't have to deal with such idiots over there.
Howard said that there's one guy over there at WWOR who seems to be sabotaging his show. He said that he calls him when he's trying to go to bed and he can't sleep after hearing all of this nonsense from the guy.
Howard sent Stuttering John off to get his breakfast and got back to talking to Robin. He said that his kids got some of those Troll dolls as gifts and they're really into them.
Robin said that over in France they try to prevent poverty and try to give everyone a good education there. Howard said he didn't care about that and went off on the French for a few minutes.
Howard was talking about a woman who was on Phil Donahue's show the other day. She was 40 years old and married a 14 year old boy. She left her family to go off with this 14 year old boy. He said that people like that have no morals. He said he gets really irritated by Phil and the people he has on that show. He said that Phil doesn't have any morality himself. Howard thinks that he has morals himself while everyone out there thinks that he doesn't.
Howard pointed out that Phil left his wife for a younger woman and he thinks that they should do a show about that with Phil as one of the people. He said they could get Marlo Thomas on the show and let him conduct the interview. He said that Phil is no better than the people that he's putting down on his show.
Howard said that Tom Brokaw has been announcing the name of a rape victim while all of the other networks are avoiding it. He said that Tom could go to management and say he's not comfortable giving out her name but he's a pussy and he just goes right ahead and does it.
Howard said he was watching National Geographic the other day and saw that there are still people in this world who don't know about the wheel or even how to use fire. He went on to talk about how ridiculous religion is and how it's not just one religion, it's all of them. He and Robin spent a minute on that subject.
The phone caller asked Howard when he's going to have another Mayberry bit. Howard said that he didn't have an answer and asked him when he'd like to hear another one. The guy just wanted to hear the latest one. He ended up cursing so Howard had to hang up on him.
Howard said he would play that Mayberry bit for him but they're too busy today. He said he had to play the Dave Herman bit that they did when they got back from break. Stuttering John showed up with two bananas for Howard just in case one of them wasn't good. Howard told John that he didn't want to pay for both bananas but he was just joking around and told John to get out of there.
Howard got in a plug for his Crucified by the FCC album. He said that some people didn't order in time to get it for Christmas so they created a Christmas card gift certificate for those people who won't get it in time. He talked about how they'd be sending out the card in a box so the friends or loved ones will know they're getting a copy for Christmas, a little late. The card will go out in time for Christmas but not the whole set. He went to break after that.
Howard said they have a woman coming in later who claims that she's slept with a bunch of celebrities. He read off a list of guys a mile long and said she must be coming in to brag.
Gary came in and said that this hot water thing is the first he's hearing of it. He said he'd make it happen. Howard said that's because he's too busy doing other things out there apparently.
Robin said that there was a woman who just died of AIDS and she claimed that she had sex with about 50 NHL players. Now everyone is worried about that. Howard said that it seems like everyone is going to be dead soon with that kind of thing happening. Howard said he told his kids to try and get jobs playing Hockey because there are going to be some jobs opening up soon.
Howard said he had a bunch of stuff to get to so he should get that going. He said that they have a new KKK message from Daniel Carver. Robin wanted to hear that because she loves hearing what that guy is thinking. Howard was going to play the clip but couldn't find it. Gary came in and said that it wasn't ready yet, Scott was still working on it. Scott came in a few seconds later and said that he was told to do something else first and he was working on that, then he'd get to the KKK message.
Howard said that his agent turned down the Tales from the Crypt offer he got recently. He said that he was right to do that because they have a lot of offers rolling in and he's only going to take stuff that could benefit his career. He said that he didn't want to do the Crypt thing without seeing a script first. They didn't even have one to show him. Howard said that they don't know what big stars they are yet out there in California.
Howard told Jackie that he should follow his lead and say no to some things instead of doing anything he's offered. He said he told Jackie not to do interviews with just anyone out there. He said that he'll even turn down 60 Minutes when they offer to interview him. He said that Jackie will come in and tell him that someone like Channel 8 in New Haven is going to be covering him and then he'll ask if he can have a camera crew in the studio. Howard doesn't want to have that going on in there but Jackie says that's where he works so he wants to have them in.
Howard said that channel 8 is just trying to get some tape of him and they're going through Jackie to make that happen. He said that Jackie will keep on asking him about doing this stuff but he has to turn it down. He feels bad doing that but he really has to.
Fred interrupted Howard and said that they were kind of behind with commercials so he had to interrupt. Howard wanted to finish what he was talking about though so he continued on. He continued to talk about Jackie and how he really doesn't like talking to the guys about that kind of stuff off the air.
Howard said that Jackie gets upset and takes things the wrong way when he turns him down for stuff like that. He said that he's doing his own thing there and trying to elevate his career without going on channel 8 in New Haven. Jackie has his own thing going on and he doesn't want to be part of that.
Gary came in and told Howard that their guest was there. Howard said he was in the middle of interviewing Jackie so he couldn't get to the guest yet. He asked Jackie about the channel 8 thing and if he was upset about it. Jackie told Howard that he's fine with it and he's not upset at all. He said that he was right about it all and he doesn't need the crew in the studio.
Connie said that she's had a lot of the rock stars and their crew over the years. She claimed that the Penthouse people told her to dress warm this morning. She said that she could take off her shirt for him though. Howard said that might work. Connie said that she's heard a lot about Howard from a lot of people. She said they even talk about him on a station in Little Rock, Arkansas.
Howard asked Connie about these rock stars she's been with. She had a whole list of the people she claims that she's been with. Howard said she had some ''nice jugs'' as she was pulling out the pictures she's taken with all of these rock stars.
Howard asked Connie about the guys she's been with and found out that she had her first rock star when she was just 15. She said that she just wanted to get all of these guys and didn't really want relationships. She said that she does like the people she's been with and they're all friends. She said that she's tested for AIDS very often and she's clean. She said that she gives a lot of oral and that's low risk. Howard didn't believe that was the case though.
Connie said that she does have the other type of sex but she prefers to do the oral because she can cover a lot of ground that way. She said the first guy she had was in a band called Frigid Pink. She said she got back stage by partying with the crew. She let them have her first and then figured out the way to make things happen.
Connie said that she doesn't want to get married, she enjoys doing what she does. Howard asked her who she could call if she wanted to talk to someone as a friend. She said that Paul Stanley is a guy she could probably get a hold of. She's pretty close to him. She also said that she's close to another guy by the name of Waddy Waddell. She said that he can have some great phone sex too. That led to Howard doing some phone sex stuff with Connie. He was using his megaphone and talking to her about what she was wearing and she was actually acting out what she was saying. They didn't go too far with it though.
Howard went through a list of people and found out that Connie was with Huey Lewis, Eddie Money, Paul Shaffer and others. She asked for a beer at one point but no one had any for her.
Howard found out that Connie is a substitute teacher so he asked her what she's teaching. She said that she'll actually tell the students about the rock stars she sees. She said that she gets a lot of stuff to give away to the kids too. She teaches K-6th grades and teaches general subjects like reading, writing and arithmetic. Howard gave out her full name and wondered if that was going to cause problems. She said that they haven't called in about a month so she's not sure.
Howard asked Connie if she was interested in sleeping with Stuttering John, who was in the band Mund. She said that he is cute and looks kind of like Waddy. She thought it was him when she saw him walking in this morning.
Connie told Howard that she had the drummer from Def Leppard after he lost his arm. She said that she had him twice. She's also had some of the guys in Elton John's band but not Elton himself. She said that Elton likes her to do the guys in the band when they're first brought in. She said that she will get back stage and Elton will ask her to initiate the guys into the band by having sex with them.
Connie said that she's had most of Crosby Stills and Nash but not David. The other guys will actually watch while she does the guys in front of the others. She said that she's not a hooker so she doesn't get paid for this stuff. She'll get a back stage pass or something like that though.
Howard said he wanted to spank Connie after the break. She was up for it. She told Howard about some of the other guys she's had before Howard went to a commercial break which was edited out of this replay.
Howard came back and talked to Connie more about the guys she's going to be seeing over the next couple of weeks. Howard said Jackie asked her if she has ever done anyone while they're playing or anything like that. She said that she hasn't but she has done stuff during a drum solo with the guitar players. She'll do a quickie with them back stage or something.
Howard was doing a commercial for a Singalodeon and asked Connie if she wanted to sing a song with him. She didn't want to do it herself so she asked everyone else to do it with her. Howard played a song but Connie thought they were kidding. She started to sing a little bit but she got lost in the lyrics. She said she'd rather be down on the floor doing something else.
Howard had to ask Gary to turn off the Singalodeon thing because it was squealing quite a bit. He got back to Connie and as Gary walked by she grabbed him to check out how big he was in the pants. She said he was doing okay down there.
Howard had Connie get down to her thong and then asked her if she wanted to get spanked. Howard told her she had a good body and wasn't bad at all. She went over and grabbed Howard's crotch without asking. He said he hadn't been touched like that since Fred last night. She said that Howard was actually pretty big down there. She said that he wasn't as big as Huey though.
Howard had to put a stop to the touching and asked where he's going to be sleeping tonight after this. He had her ready to get spanked after that. He said that she didn't have any hair on her butt so that was nice. She asked him to just get the spanking going. Gary came in and said that Leslie West was on the phone. Connie said that's one of her good friends. She jumped off of Howard's lap when she heard that. She wanted to talk to him but Howard just wanted to spank her.
Howard got Leslie on the phone and he said that he couldn't believe this. Leslie said that when she was only 16 he took her in a lear jet and she did something to the pilot while they were flying. She also called her father and let him know what she was up to. Her father told Leslie to just get her home safe. He didn't seem to care that his 16 year old was out messing around with his daughter. Leslie claimed he never touched her but she said that she gave him oral. Leslie denied that though. He said that she was so fresh that she hadn't even urinated through hair yet. Howard almost cut him off at that point.
Howard wrapped up with Connie and said that it sounds like she thought that he had a bigger package than Gary did. They spent a minute on that and then went to break.
Gary said that they talked about how he got down on one knee when he proposed. Howard said that he shouldn't even be banging that Connie chick that they just had in there. Gary said that he heard that Connie wanted to do Howard. She thought that he was a big enough star and almost a rock star type.
Howard said that he wanted to play this new KKK message. He had Gary get some other stuff together while they were doing that. Howard went right into the Daniel Carver KKK message. Daniel was talking about New York City and how many murders there are there and how many people there are on welfare and how many cars are stolen every day. Robin and Howard knew that he was going to get to his point and what it was going to be. They let the message play through and Daniel was giving tons of stats about the city and then went off and started throwing around the N-word saying that they were the reason for all of New York City's problems.
Howard did his impression of Daniel doing his thing and goofed on him a little bit. He went on to talk about how he could bring the taxes into line by dropping welfare. He said that they could have everyone on welfare move down south to the warm climate. Jackie said that he would be against something like that but Gary was for it. The guys spent a few minutes talking about that.
Howard said that the government should be guarding welfare the same way they guard medical marijuana. Howard doesn't think that there are that many people out there who deserve welfare. They all argued about that stuff for a short time and everyone was blaming different things for the problems with the economy. Fred was arguing with Howard about a bunch of things. He was blaming the executives at GM for sending jobs down to Mexico.
Fred was very worked up about the way things were going in the country. He said that he buys an American car himself to try and help the country, but they're sending jobs down to Mexico. Howard cut Fred off and said he had to take a break. He told Fred he was really annoying and had his microphone cut off so he couldn't respond. Fred was still going off on him even though he could barely be heard in the background.
After and edited out commercial break Howard came back and said that he and Fred were still arguing during the break. He got back to the Daniel Carver message after that. He played more of the message that they never got a chance to get to earlier. Daniel continued to go off on the blacks until his answering machine cut him off.
Howard brought up Connie and talked about how weird it is for a woman like that to go out and do all of those rock stars and they go around bragging about it.
Robin got into her news after that. She talked about a rape case that was happening at the time. She read through some other stuff and had Howard going off on the people of Iraq saying that President Bush had forgotten to kill off Saddam Hussein before they got the troops out of there. He said that Bush claims that he beat Iraq but he doesn't think that they have the ability to build nuclear bombs over in that country anyway. Robin went through a few more stories and then Howard said he had to go to another break.
Gary came in a short time later and told Howard that they had Charles Barkley on the phone. Howard got him on the line and asked him where he's been for the past few years. He used to come on more often but then he disappeared. Charles said that he thought they were a bad influence on him and he wanted to get on the Olympic team and figured it was best not to come on.
Charles asked for the number for the Crucified by the FCC thing so Howard gave that to him and then moved on. He said that Charles once said that he had gone out to dinner with Donald Trump one time and they ended up in a hot tub with him and some girls one night. Howard said that it should have been a big story at the time but no one picked up on it. Charles said that they were just relaxing that night and didn't do anything too crazy. Howard figured that Charles was still banging groupies but he claimed he had given all of that up.
Howard asked Charles what's wrong with him and why isn't he playing these days. Charles fell and bruised some ribs so he's had to sit out. Howard also heard that he was married now and asked him why he'd do something like that. Charles said he fell in love with his wife and now they have a 2 year old daughter. Howard heard that she's a hot, white blonde and Charles confirmed that.
Howard asked if his wife goes to the games. Charles said she does. She was only 25 so Howard said that's too young. He asked Charles how he got her. He said he met her at a restaurant. She wasn't a waitress though. Charles seemed offended when they asked if she was one. He said he knew that waitresses were going to hate him for responding the way he did.
Howard talked to Charles about the kind of money he was making. He said that they print it in the paper all the time which is kind of rude. Howard said that Charles can make even more with endorsement deals and stuff. Howard asked Charles where he lives and if he has a nice house. Charles said he lives in a development because it's a gated community. He said that he has a lot of nice neighbors and they don't bother him there.
Howard asked Charles about his wife and how big her boobs were. She was right there with him so he was describing her as she was laying there. Howard asked him to put her on the line so he could talk to her. She got on the phone a short time later so Howard asked her about how they met. She said that she was just walking out the door at the restaurant when she met him.
Howard asked Charles' wife if she did it with him the night before. She said that they didn't do it. She also claimed that she was a virgin when she met Charles. She said he lies about her cup size too. She's only a B-cup, not a C like Charles was claiming. Howard found out her parents weren't upset about her bringing home Charles either. Howard said he'd be the same way. He said that if he had to choose between a poor white man or Charles Barkley going out with his daughter, he'd pick Charles.
Howard asked Charles about Magic Johnson and if he's gotten together with him yet. Charles said he hadn't. They also talked about some pictures that were in the National Enquirer that were kind of private. Howard said he thought that was going too far.
Charles brought up Jessica Hahn and said that he saw her on Married With Children the other night. He said that she's looking good these days and she must have had some work done on her breasts. He said that those are no B, or C cups right there. Howard said that she did have some work done. They spent a few seconds talking about her.
Howard was telling Charles about what he thinks Magic Johnson should do about his AIDS problem. After going off on that stuff for a short time Charles told him he's never heard so much bullshit in his life. Howard had to ask him to say ''B.S.'' instead of using the full word. They spent a couple of minutes on the Magic Johnson stuff and then Howard gave him some advice on what to do about his endorsement deals.
Howard found out that Charles had invested in some office supply thing so he wondered what was going on there. He said that he has to invest in something other than office supplies. He thought that was crazy. Charles said he also bought into some sporting goods store. He said that he's in the textile business as well.
Howard got Charles' wife back on the phone and she threw out the asshole word so Howard had to ask her not to use that one on the air. He ended up talking to her about some of the stuff Charles was saying about her when he was on the phone. She joked that he was in a little teddy as she was talking to Howard. Charles got back on the phone and said that everyone has a skeleton in their closet.
Howard let Charles go a short time later. He said that Charles is a great guy and fun to talk to. He said that he forgot to ask his wife if she had ever dated any other black men before Charles. He said he had a ton of questions for Charles but he didn't think he could keep him on the line that long. He said they might need him on the show weekly. He said that maybe they can get him to be the weekly sports reporter on the show or something. He told Gary to talk to Tom Chiusano about that.
The caller said that it had been about 3 years since that happened and he might need another Au Pair. Howard said that now all women are going to know about the Au Pair thing and not hire any to hire any. Robin said that it sounded like a Penthouse story that he just read and recited to them. Howard said that the whole world is having fun except for him.
Robin got back to her news after that and brought up a story about a botched abortion that a doctor did and how he'd pulled an arm off the baby. Robin also read a story about Freddy Mercury and how he knew he had AIDS for a few years before he passed away. She also talked about the guy from Milli Vanilli who tried to kill himself. She went through a couple more stories and then wrapped up her news.
Gary said that he heard that Scott Shannon had hung up on Sebastian Bach one time that they were calling in from Los Angeles. They called Howard after that and it turned out to be a great call. That led to Fred and Howard goofing on Gary about the way he talks since he'd said something about Scott Shannon not being so sharp. They goofed on the way he said ''sharp.'' Howard said that Gary does a stretch every time he gets goofed on in the studio. Jackie said that Gary looks like a retarded cheerleader when he stretches like that.
Howard was going to wrap up the show but ended up goofing on Gary for a few more minutes after he said some more dopey stuff. They ended the show around 9:15am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard started off the show talking about being up since 2 in the morning. He said that he was ready to end the show and go back to bed. He talked to Robin about how they've become a national radio station but there aren't a lot of stations who want to pay up to get them in their markets. He said there was someone who wanted to pay $20,000 and that won't even pay for the satellite time.
Howard said he had a miserable week this week because the TV show was supposed to air the Christmas special they had but they had some technical problems and didn't air it. He complained about them sitting on the show and not getting it ready in time.
Howard went on to talk about how all they have over there at channel 9 (WWOR) is garbage. He said it's depressing to go over there and work these days. He said he can't take the incompetence over there. They run the TV show by committee now and they have three baboons there who are nervous about everything that they do. He said he's tried to tell them that they have to let him do his show the way he wants to. They want him to be something that he's not for this syndication deal.
Howard said he's like them to just make a decision over there but they can't just do that. He said that he's the one losing sleep over it, not them.
Howard talked about the show they taped on Friday which was a Howard Stern Roast. He said that was a good one but everything about these people at channel 9 is irritating him. He said he could have walked away from his contract with them because they have breached it several times. He said that he's got good reason to leave and they'd better get their act together.
Robin said that there was an embarrassing moment over there with Clint Holmes. She said that he used to say hello to her but that was before they started talking about him and his show on the air. Howard said that Clint's show is the other one that they produce locally. He said that his show is awful and Clint is very naive about the whole thing.
Howard said that the people at WWOR are out of touch with reality and he knew that this show would be the worst show on TV when they made it. He said that they've given them a ton of money to do the show but it's unwatchable. He said he could tell them why but he's not going to open his mouth about it and give them a clue as to what's wrong.
Howard said that Clint probably thought that he wouldn't talk about him because they're on the same network but that's bull. He said Clint shouldn't take offense to what they have to say because his ratings show him that he doesn't have a good show. He's got a 1.9 rating. He spent a few minutes talking about how bad that show is.
Howard said that they could run that Clint Holmes show backwards and get the same ratings that they have now. He also talked about the news team over there and how awful their news department is. He said that it's all pretty depressing.
Howard went off on the management over at channel 9 and said that they have a committee over there that has to approve everything they do on the show. He said that makes him crazy and he can't believe that those idiots can't get stuff on the air like they should.
Howard said he called Jackie after that went down to find out what was wrong. He said he wanted Jackie to hang out for the commercial he did after the show but Jackie ended up leaving saying that he couldn't hang around. He was all bummed out about the way his roast segment went. He thought that he had bombed.
Jackie said that he was done and he just went home, that was it. Howard said that he heard that the camera guy said that he was just about in tears and getting all upset about bombing. Jackie said that he did feel bad that he didn't do better but he wasn't crying.
Howard said he didn't even know Jackie was upset until the camera guy told him about it. Howard asked Jackie about the roast and why he thought that they asked the audience not to laugh at him. Howard said that they didn't tell anyone not to laugh. Robin said she heard that he did his act fine when he rehearsed it but then he got on stage and bombed.
Howard asked Jackie what was going on because he had never seen him like that. He and Robin continued to talk and didn't let Jackie answer. Howard eventually asked him again and Jackie said that he didn't blame anyone for what went on. He said that he just told some jokes that didn't get laughs and he felt bad about it.
Jackie said that he was pissed off that he didn't do better in the roast and that's it. Howard said that he could have spoken to him about it and maybe he could have talked him through it. He said that everyone was upset that Jackie had left early. Jackie told him to stop with the charade.
Howard said that they he heard that Jackie wanted to do a Sternac bit there at the roast but Dan Foreman didn't want him to do it. Howard said that it probably would have worked and Jackie should have done that.
Jackie said that he feels hurt and defeated so he may leave the show. He said he was just kidding about that though. He said that he didn't want to go through this kind of stuff on the phone with Howard, that's why he didn't pick up and call him back.
Howard did his Jackie impression and talked about this stuff as Jackie may have done if he had picked up his phone. He spent a short time goofing on Jackie about that and said that he's never going to try and call Jackie again since he didn't bother calling him back.
Howard said that he had a number for this pay phone outside of the William Kennedy Smith court case. He called the number and got this guy Tom on the line. Howard said this guy is a court junkie and he's there to see what's happening there.
Howard said that this guy goes out to court cases and gets to sit in on the cases. He heard that this guy asks Smith about Howard Stern. Tom said that it's very funny because there are people quoting Howard down in Palm Beach. Howard said he'd like to see a copy of that.
Tom said that he mentioned Howard's name to Willie and the guy said something about Chivas Regals and he got all excited about that.
Howard asked Tom how he supports himself and still gets to go do this stuff. Tom said that he has a good job where he gets 4 months off a year. He said he's a caddy master at a golf course. He said he makes decent money doing that but he has other jobs as well. He said he makes about $35,000 a year doing that.
Tom said that he gets there at the courthouse at 12:30 in the morning and waits around for them to let people in. He said that the press eats that stuff up.
Howard said that he can't believe that this guy does this. He said that he has to be pretty unmotivated in his life to be like that. Tom said that he's getting his 15 minutes of fame and having fun doing it. He said that he gets interviewed and gets to see this case with just a few people.
Howard said that he'd read a book or something if he had that kind of free time. He wouldn't waste his time going to watch a court case. Howard said he'd never be there like this guy is. Robin said the guy probably has an inheritance and that's how he can afford doing that.
Tom said that he has a home down there that he stays at and he works 8 months of the year. He didn't think this was that big of a deal. Howard said that Tom is just trying to get on TV.
Howard went off on Tom for saying that the people down there were ''so delusioned'' instead of ''delusional.'' Howard wrapped up with Tom a short time later.
Howard and Robin goofed on Tom for a short time after the call. They were talking about that ''Caddy master'' title that he mentioned. They went to break right after that.
Howard said that Debella is trying to get his show on WNEW but he's not sure that will happen. He said that Debella claims that he doesn't copy what he does but now the guy is trying to syndicate his show into other markets like he's been doing.
Robin said that the Greaseman is trying to get on in New York as well. She said that he's down in Washington right now but Howard said that he's going to beat that guy very soon. Robin said that if he could beat Howard then they'd bring him right into New York.
Howard said that they have the good talent right there on his show. He said that they're not even in the same business as people like the Zookeeper.
Gange said that he was playing in a Pop Warner league and had to explain to Howard what that was since he had no idea. Stuttering John came in and said that the people in Pop Warner are the people who can't get into real college football.
Howard said that there was some wild stuff on the TV show they shot on Friday. He said that Richard Simmons tongue kissed Sandra Bernhard. He said that he heard from Richard that he had never kissed a woman like that before so it was a new thing for him. Howard said Richard was dressed up like a man and put on a manly voice for the cameras too.
Howard said that Sandra wanted to make out with some girls but Richard was the closest thing she could find. He said that it was pretty outrageous to see the two of them kissing like that. Richard ran out of the room after he did it.
Howard said that Richard was so into being a man that he wasn't even talking about Barbies with his wife. He asked her not to talk about that stuff with him. He said they really should call him and talk to him about this.
Howard mentioned that they're having a Christmas party on Friday. He said that he'd like to have some girls come in and rub them down for the Christmas party. He said that they could have cots in the studio and let the girls oil them up and rub them down. Howard said that sounds like a good Christmas party to him.
Howard did an impression of Gary talking to him on the phone and goofed on him about that. He made fun of the way he speaks and talked about how he was getting a shower from Gary spitting on him while he talks. Howard said that Gary was telling him about how he got a ''Baba Booey'' introduction and the place went nuts.
Howard said that Gary got a good round of applause when he was at this event he was at. Howard said Gary told him that they flew him out on MGM airlines and he felt like a star while he was out there. Howard said that he heard that Gary was on the flight with Bob Mohr from Pirate Radio out there in L.A. He said that he's going to keep an eye on the people over at Pirate Radio. He thinks that it was a mistake for them not to hire him over there.
Howard said that Gary was on MGM with Joan Rivers and she had a seat just for her dog Spike. Gary said that Joan was kind of ignoring him and he was kind of ignoring her but then he went up to say hi to her dog. Howard noticed that Gary had some kind of zit or something on his face. He goofed on him about that for a short time.
Howard had a caller on the line who was joking around with Gary but Howard was kind of ignoring the guy and trying to tell his story. He said that the caller was probably going to bore them with his story anyway.
Howard said that Gary went up to Joan's dog Spike and asked him how he was doing. Gary said he didn't want to bother Joan so he went up to the dog instead. He started petting him and then Joan said that she was so sick and not feeling well. She knew who he was and it seemed like she wasn't in a mood to talk. Gary said he knew that she didn't want to get stuck talking to him for 6 hours on the flight.
Howard said that he heard that Spike may have been recovering from eating some rat poison a few months ago. Howard said that he has an idea who could have fed that dog the poison. He said that Gary knows who he's talking about too.
Howard said that Joan's dog gets treated better than most people do. He said that Joan brings the dog everywhere.
Howard asked the caller what his story was. The caller said that his wife started to get into Howard's TV show and she recently told him that she's been fantasizing that he's Howard when they're having sex. Howard hung up on the guy and said that he should send his wife up there if he thinks that would help. Howard said that the guy was probably not even married.
Howard asked Robin what she likes and what they could get her to do at the Christmas party. Robin said that would not be fun for her and she doesn't want to do anything. Howard said they could have someone spank her or do something with her ''three inputs. Robin said that one of them is closed down indefinitely.
Howard asked Jackie if he's going to mope around for the whole show. Jackie said that he's not moping. Howard said that he did just fine in that roast and he shouldn't be that upset. Jackie apologized for acting the way he was.
Howard said that Jackie was blaming them for his bombing at the roast and it really wasn't their fault. Howard said that Gary was telling him that he was going to make fun of him about the bombing by calling him the ''toastmaster general'' from now on. Howard and Fred said that Gary has been waiting for something like that for a long time so he'd have something to goof on him about.
Howard asked Jackie how he was going to pull himself out of this depression. Jackie said that maybe he should stay home this week. Howard said he doesn't get why he has to threaten him with something like that. He said he's got to do what he's got to do.
Gary came in and talked about how he was going to goof on Jackie by calling him ''Jackie the Joke Man, Toastmaster General.'' Howard figured that was the end of the Gary jokes. Gary and Jackie went back and forth about that stuff for a few seconds.
Howard said that Gary got his jokes out of a Milton Berle joke book. That led to him telling a story about Milton Bearle calling into a show years ago when Joan Rivers was on this show crying about her husband dying. He said it was actually pretty funny.
The caller asked Howard what happened with the channel 9 show last week. Howard went through that story again and went off on the people who run that channel. He spent a short time going off on all of those people and complaining about the way they run the channel.
Howard said that they have just one successful show over there at channel 9. He went on and on about the way they have a committee making decisions over there and how incompetent they are. Very much like he did earlier in the show.
Howard said that the show that didn't air was the Fred bachelor party. Fred said that it was a great one too. He ended up getting pissed off at the management over there again and complained about them for a few more minutes. He said he can't be held up by a bunch of executive idiots anymore. He said he just can't deal with that stuff. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Jackie said that he's going to be doing his roast material at his show. Howard asked him to do some of that material for them but Jackie said he didn't want to do it and they couldn't make him.
Howard gave Jackie his plug and said that he's going to try and get some of the Jackie roast audio for tomorrow's show. He said that was fun for them but not so much for Jackie.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he gets what Howard is going through because he's got a friend who has to deal with similar things at Paramount. Howard said that he was hoping that his show would get a budget but they gave it all to Clint Holmes instead. He said that they gave that guy a slate floor for his set. He said it's too reflective and he doesn't get why they'd do that.
Howard said that he just goes in and does his job. That's all he's ever wanted to do. He said that Tom Chiusano gives him a hard time about some stuff too. He went off on Tom for a short time.
The caller said that he was listening to Mark and Brian and said that they're really lame. Howard said that they still have big ratings out there but he's hoping that history repeats itself and they can wipe them out like they've done to the Zookeeper.
Howard said that when they're on vacation they're going to be running some Best of Stern that Gary was going to come in and talk about. Howard talked about an article about David Letterman's show where they talk about his show being sold to A&E without his knowledge. He said that Letterman is upset about that and he can understand why. Howard said he did tune in the other night to see one of the old shows and it was kind of cool to see it on at that time of night.
Howard said that they're supposed to be rerunning a show where he and Super Dave Osborne were on together. He said that Dave is Albert Brooks' brother. That led to him talking about how Albert Brooks' real name is Albert Einstein.
Howard said that Super Dave's show has been running for years on Showtime but it's just not funny. They spent a short time talking about that show and how often it's on.
Gary came in and said that they're going to be running the Philadelphia rally that they did when Howard beat the Zookeeper. That included the Jackie apology that he had to make after the Jessica Hahn incident. Howard said that was a great moment.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about Jackie's apology and how somber he was that day. Howard asked him about his somber mood today and how long it's going to take him to get out of that. Jackie said he hopes to be able to break his own record with how long he lasts this time.
Howard asked Jackie how he thinks that he was able to keep the audience from laughing at the roast. Jackie said that he's sorry for attacking him about that in his fit if anger.
Gary went through some of the other Best of Stern stuff they were going to be playing. He had a bunch of different things that they were going to have during vacation. Howard asked him to get on some Fred fight stuff.
Howard was talking about Jackie being so quiet today and how odd that was. He said that it's like a deer looking into the headlights. He did his impression of him for a few seconds before having Robin start her news.
Robin read through some more news about that and then Leslie West showed up. Robin said that she probably wasn't going to get out any more stories since he had shown up.
Howard talked to Leslie West for a few seconds. Howard said that Leslie was all excited because he was thanked on a Guns N Roses album.
Howard talked about this rape case that Robin was going over and used his sister in an example while he was explaining how the rape could have happened. He and Leslie talked about that story a little bit and had their own theories on what may have happened.
Leslie was very vocal about the whole thing and he said that he thinks that the guy may have forced himself on her and she may have accepted it at first but then she called it rape after it wasn't as romantic as she thought it was going to be.
Howard asked Leslie to sit down but he was apparently moving around the studio like a mad man. Leslie ended up yelling about how great Howard's show is and how everyone should know that.
Stuttering John came in to tell Howard he had a woman on the phone who wanted to talk about the rape that they were discussing. That led to Leslie doing his Porky Pig impression for John. Leslie said that John can sing really well though. He said he's got some potential there. John thanked him for that.
Howard asked Leslie where he was at 26 years old and if he was in the band Mountain. Leslie said that he was in the band and they had put out their first album by then. He said that they had a record deal but they were very lucky to have that. He told John to keep on plugging away at it even if he doesn't have a deal yet.
Howard told John to get out of there and then got the woman on the line to talk about this rape case. Howard and the woman argued about some of the stuff that they were discussing earlier. Howard asked some questions about the panty hose and what happened to them.
The woman on the phone said that she was raped when she was 25 years old. She told Howard about how the rape happened and gave him some of the details. Howard tried to break her down when he found out that she had been at an illegal club that night and was basically breaking the law herself. She continued with her story and told Howard about what went on that night. She talked about having someone come up behind her and drag her into a spot where they raped her. She said that she didn't remember a lot of what happened that night and she gets why this woman in the case they were talking about.
The woman said that the lawyers will tell you that if you're not sure about something, you're supposed to say that you don't remember.
Andrew Dice Clay came walking in around that time so Howard moved on to him. The woman said that she had some stories about David Brenner that she could tell if they wanted to hear them. Howard put her on hold and got back to Dice. He said he had to go to break a short time later.
Dice said he's working on an HBO special and wanted Howard to do something with him but they weren't able to make that happen the other night since Howard was busy working on his own TV show. Dice said that he wanted Howard to be part of this special but Howard didn't sound like he was all that into it.
Howard said that Dice got a call from Mark and Brian and he wanted him to say that they suck. Dice wouldn't say it. Howard said that he must be a big pussy if he won't say that. Dice said that's Howard's battle, not his. He refused to say anything negative about those guys.
Howard kept trying to get Dice to bad mouth those guys but Dice kept avoiding it. Howard said he doesn't want Dice going on a show that's really lame like that. Dice said he doesn't have a problem with those guys. Howard said that he heard that they called Dice and told him not to go on his show. Dice said that they did do that but he's not going to stop doing Howard's show. Howard said that he's never asked anyone to stop going on someone else's show. He said that's up to him if he wants to go on some pussy boy show like that.
Howard asked Dice what Hot tub Johnny had to say about all of that. Dice said that Johnny is sitting on his toilet with his balls all blown up for some unknown reason.
Howard brought up this weight loss problem that Leslie had going on. He was losing weight and didn't know why. Leslie said that he didn't want to have an AIDS test because he didn't want to find out something like that if he had it. It turns out he had Lyme's Disease and not AIDS. He said that they figured out what the problem was and he's very happy about that.
Dice was talking about these tests and how he hasn't bothered taking one because he knows his girl is clean. Leslie said that this stuff can go back 15 years though so he has to have it checked out. Howard said he had to take a break after Dice got a little crazy with some of the comments he was making.
Howard said that he had to get to this Singalodeon thing that he had. Dice goofed on him about that but Howard said he had to do the commercials. He has no choice.
Howard asked the guys what they wanted to sing and gave them a few choices. They picked a song to sing and Dice was going to go first. They had him singing ''Johnny B Good'' for a minute. Howard cut him off and got back to the guys and spent a few minutes talking to Dice about the shows he's been doing lately. That led to Dice making more ''pussy'' references that Howard didn't want him making. Then Dice was saying ''jerking off'' a few times.
Howard changed subjects and talked about this guitar that Leslie has out now. He said that he designed it. Dice was throwing out some more comments that Howard couldn't let on the air so he asked him to please stop. He said that Dice doesn't know how to talk about that stuff in a safe way. He told Dice that he had to take another break and then they'd get to some more news.
Howard went into a live commercial and ended up talking about the conversation that he had with Dice the other night. He said that he's gotten away with saying the C-word on the s how a lot when he does that nonsense talk that he does. Then Dice was talking about this sponsor that Howard was doing the commercial for so he had to cut him off again.
Howard came back and talked to Dice about doing some late night shows. Dice said he thinks that Leno doesn't like him and he's also kind of scary looking. He goofed on the size of his chin and said that it's like the size of an anvil and he's a freak of nature. He said that the human head usually weighs about 15 pounds but he thinks Leno's weighs about 60-70 pounds. He said that it would make a great paperweight.
Dice said that comedians are supposed to be ugly like Jay so that's a good thing. He said that he's a jerk off though. Dice said that he'd love to sit with Johnny Carson but not so much with Jay. He said that he's not sure what he'd talk about with Jay. He figured it would be something about his dog taking a piss over there in the corner.
Howard said that he was told by Dice to go on a show and just sit there and say nothing for an hour. Howard talked to Dice about doing Arsenio Hall's show and why he does that. Dice talked about doing a show where they brought in a bunch of gay people and he didn't want to talk to them the way they wanted him to. He said that Arsenio is a two faced jerk off. He said that he doesn't think that he's on the outs with Arsenio but he just wants to go on that show and have some fun, not do that serious stuff.
Robin read a story about a girl who died after she got AIDS from a dentist who infected her with the open sores on his hands. They spent a short time on that story. Howard played an audio clip of the woman talking about what she's been put through and said that she sounded like Jackie at the roast last week with no laughs.
Robin read through some more stories while the guys all commented on what she was reading. Dice went off on Arsenio Hall at one point because the guy didn't shake his hand when he was leaving his show. He went off on him for a minute and then went off on some other stuff.
Robin read some more news stories she had. Howard talked to Dice and Leslie about a few various things during those reports. Howard was asking Leslie about his bowel movements and stuff so Dice got in on that and said that Clubsoda Kenny has great bowel movements. Howard cut him off like he didn't want to talk about that anymore.
Dice wondered why Robin was reading these stories in the news if people could just read about them in the paper. Howard sand Robin said they have their own slant on the stories that they like to get out there.
Howard asked Dice about Mark and Brian again and if he thinks that they're really good for his career. Dice said that they're fine. Howard said that Dice is in there telling him how much they suck while they're in commercial break. Dice said that was a private conversation.
Robin mentioned that the new Star Trek movie was out at the theaters and it came in number 1 at the box office. Howard said he wanted to check that one out. Robin had seen it and said that it was great. She finished up her news a short time later with a story about Larry King talking about Zsa Zsa Gabor on his show.
Howard was going to have Leslie play guitar a little bit before they ended the show. Leslie ended up playing some ''Crossroads'' and singing while he played. He kept going for a couple of minutes so Howard said he thought they'd lost him in the music. Leslie finished up a short time later.
Howard and the guys gave him some applause and then Leslie handed Howard his guitar and wished him a Merry Christmas. Howard wanted to play a little bit so he had Leslie hook him up. He played some blues for Dice to sing along to. Dice sang a little bit and then Leslie got in with him. They did that for a minute and then Howard started to wrap up with Dice and Leslie.
Howard said that Dice has been making prank calls to people lately and he conference calls him in on them. He said he's got him laughing when he does that. Howard wrapped up and tried to end the show but he stayed on through a little bit of one song and then they ended the show around 10:00am.
After the edited out break Howard asked Fred if he wanted to sing ''I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.'' Fred didn't want to do it but Jackie said he would do it. Howard had Jackie give it a try. They played the music and Jackie tried singing it. Fred played some barking dog sounds as Jackie sang the parody. Howard cut Jackie off but Jackie kept singing.
Howard said Jackie is planning his vacation and thought about going to Aruba. Howard said he has been there and Jackie wanted to know more about it. Jackie said he's not going. He wasn't able to get reservations. Howard told Jackie it's windy, the food is sucky and the accommodations are bad. He said everything is run down there. He said he didn't have a bad time there when he went though.
Howard said he doesn't like hanging out with the human race so he doesn't like to go to places like that. Howard said he had to just stop going out with other couples. Robin said when you go away you go away for a reason. Howard said he's seen Robin go out and she's just as bad. Gary said Robin has locked people out of her room before.
Howard said Jackie came in the next day and said they were going to go to Aruba and someone else told them it wasn't so bad down there. Howard said anyone but him is an authority to Jackie. Howard said it's sort of like a back stab. He said it was like he asked his advice but it didn't matter.
Howard said he told Jackie about a program that he liked and Jackie ended up losing all of his data when he installed it.
Howard talked more about Aruba and what he went through. Howard said he went down to Aruba and their whole job is to serve people. He said that these mutants who run the island kept him waiting for 2 hours for a meal. Howard said they got so fed up that they went out gambling. Howard said that's one fun thing you can do there. He said he had like 10 bucks on him and he would go and win some money pretty easy. He said he would play cards and win easily. Howard said he was like king for a day.
Howard said he was in Washington DC at the time so he was only making like 30,000 a year there. Howard and Robin talked about the kind of money they were making down there and Robin said she thinks she was making the same as Howard was.
Howard said poor Fred was making like 16,000. He said he had to struggle to get him that too. Robin asked if he remembers what Fred's living conditions were like. Howard said he was like Freddy Kruger. He said he had the basement apartment and shared the house with a bunch of Lebanese people. Fred said they were actually a Cuban, a Venezuelan and a Columbian. Howard said they were nuts and wouldn't pay their bills. He said one weekend Fred disappeared. He had no idea where he went. Fred said he just went out and drove around. Howard said he went over to see if he was still alive that weekend. Fred said he went home to sleep. Howard said he did not go home. He said he remembers him not going home.
Howard said he had a lot of things to get to today. He said that he might have to take a break first. He said that Pat Cooper left mad yesterday. He said he wanted to replay some of that but they have the Christmas party coming up. They went to break a short time later.
Robin said she had some gifts messengered there but they disappeared. Howard said he did too. Robin said she's not kidding. She said she got everyone gift certificates for reflexology massage. Howard said no one wants that. Howard said he knows that no one would go to that. Robin said this is the best person in town. Howard said no one enjoys massaging feet. Howard said there's something wrong with her if she does. Robin said she does enjoy it.
Howard played the clip and Brokaw was doing a story about the Bill of Rights. Gary told Howard that he comes up first. Howard said this guy Brokaw is on his radar. He said he's going to be on his ass like flies on stink. Howard cut it off and told Fred to do his impression of him. Fred said he can do him... Howard gave up and Robin said that he has nuts in his mouth.
Howard got to the part where they found that ''no one would ever call Bob Hope a fag...'' Howard said they don't show the full piece of tape. Howard said they only do that because Bob Hope has a relationship with NBC. Howard said he's going to be on Tom Brokaw ass after this.
Howard said Brokaw gave him this little dig and he knows what he's doing. Howard said his father even said that people are the low life scum that he says they are. Howard said he has to play this NBC piece again. He said he wanted to hear it again. Howard said he's sick of hearing these people talk about him.
Howard replayed the clip and then went off on Brokaw. Howard said Brokaw was just paying him back for things he's said about him. He said Brokaw gave out the names of rape victims on his show and he didn't have to do that. Howard said that he hopes that he can't wait for his daughter to be raped some day. He said he doesn't want that to happen but he does want to see the day when some tragedy happens to his family and see him not report on it. Howard said he's not going to stand for it. They went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Sam if he's drinking again like they say in the Enquirer. Sam said he never stopped drinking. Sam told Howard about how wrong that story is. Howard interrupted and said he thinks that Sam shouldn't be the 12 inch guy on that TV show Charlie Hoover. Howard said Tim should be the 12 inch guy. Howard said they claim that Sam drinks because he's depressed about the ratings of that show.
Howard said he thinks that the show is cool and Sam comes off as a good actor in it. Howard said Tim is cool but Sam shows that he can really act in the show.
Sam told Howard he thinks that his TV show is great too. He said he's never seen anyone play ''suck the weenie on the end of a stick'' on TV. Sam said no one else has done that. Sam told Howard that no one else has done that or a bunch of the other things he does on the show. He said it's as close to porn as you can get without it being porn.
Sam told Howard that he had to go out and do some shows in some small markets. He said that Howard's show is huge around the country. He said he went to Hawaii and the Limo driver told him to call Howard because he read something about him in the paper. Sam said he had to call to make sure things were okay. Howard said everything is great and he's been cool with him.
Howard tried to get Sam's attention because he had to move along. Sam wouldn't stop talking. Howard said he just wanted to know what Sam was doing sexually. He asked if Malika was there. Sam said they're there but that's going to be dessert. Sam asked what article it was that upset him. Howard said it was the one where Sam said he wanted to do family friendly TV and he was going to clean up his act. It was no big deal. Sam said he didn't mean to offend him and he tried explaining what he was trying to say. Howard said it was fine. Sam said he loves him and he just wanted to clear that up. Howard said it's fine.
Howard asked to talk to Malika. Sam said he'll give him to her in a minute. Sam said he wanted to set it up. He said he's in love with Malika and she even won an F-Emmy for the story she told about bringing women to him. Sam said there's this girl Sharice who went to school with Malika. He said it was in the back of his mind to have both of them. Sam said Sharice was the one who was with him the day he missed the Joan Rivers show. He said that he was trying to get her into bed with them but he was trying to do it without actually trying.
Howard asked to speak to Malika. Sam said he can but he can't confirm or deny this story. He said all he can say is that dreams do come true. Malika got on the phone but she could barely hear Howard. Howard told Sam to get off the line for a minute. Sam said no way. Malika and Sharice were both on the line and they were in bed together. Howard asked if they were nude. They didn't say they were nude but Howard guessed they were.
Howard asked Malika how she approached Sharice about sharing the bed. Sam said it can never be the man's idea. He said it has to be the girl's idea. Sam said the man has to be patient. Howard told him to give him the practical facts. Sam said it took a lot of work to convince them. He said that all he can say is that dreams do come true. He wasn't sharing the details.
Howard said he wanted to congratulate him and the girls. Howard told Sam that he'd like to talk to the girls but he has to hang up. Sam said he would do that because he loves and trusts him so much.
Sam hung up and Howard asked Malika how she seduced Sharice. She wasn't saying so Howard asked to speak to Sharice instead. Malika was just laughing. Howard asked if Sharice had fun. She said that she can't say anything because her boyfriend lives in New York and he might be listening. Howard said he's living the wrong life.
The girls were just laughing so Howard said he had to get to a Christmas party. Howard let them go after that.
Richard Simmons showed up so Howard let him come in. Richard started singing to Howard. Howard gave him a gift but it turned out to be the gift basket that Scott had given him earlier. Richard knew he had gotten it from someone else. They had to go to break after that.
Howard warned Richard that he has people getting naked in there. Richard didn't believe it. Howard said that he has to talk about this Denny Terrio story too. Richard said he'd like to talk about happy, up things. Howard said he figured that was a happy story for Richard. Richard told him to take that back.
Howard said that Kathie Lee has written a book and he wonders what she's done that anyone will care about. Richard said that they're his friends and he has to stop. Howard said Kathie Lee is not an entertainer.
Howard said they did a roast a few weeks ago and Richard showed up pretending to be a man. Richard told him to stop it. Gary came in and told Howard he had Sam Kinison on the phone again. He said Sam wants to straighten some things out with Richard. Richard said he doesn't want to get into it. Gary said Sam said Richard did a very nice thing for him in a restaurant. Richard said nothing is personal anymore.
Howard said Richard must be confused religiously and sexually. Richard told him to take that back too. He kept denying that he was at that roast Howard was talking about.
Howard got Sam on the phone and Sam was explaining why he had written Richard a note on a napkin at the restaurant they were both at one night. Richard was upset about Sam not coming up to him and saying hello in person. Sam said he didn't know where he was at, he just heard he was there. Sam told Richard he would do nothing to offend him. Howard wanted to know what it was he said on his HBO special that offended Richard so much. Richard didn't want him to get into it. Howard said he wanted to know. Howard kept asking Sam what it was but Sam wasn't listening and just kept saying he felt bad about it when Richard said his mom had seen the special.
Sam was asking Richard if he could go on his diet program. Howard told Richard that Sam would not stick to it so he shouldn't do it. Richard said he was going to call Sam and put him on a food program to help him out. Howard let Sam go back to the girls he had there with him. Sam said he was very serious about the weight loss thing. He said it was really bothering him. Richard said he would come down and ring his doorbell and talk to him about it. Howard kept telling Richard that once Sam sobers up he won't do this. He said he'd have to stop drinking and stop eating the buttered up food he eats.
Howard let Sam go and got back to Richard. Richard said Howard is screwed. He said he is so mean and ugly today. Howard said he's lost control of the show. He said Richard was talking over Sam and he had to control the situation. Howard said hearing Richard sing over Sam while he was talking was wrong. He said he's heard Richard's real voice. He told him to talk like a man. Richard started signing again.
Howard said Richard is never going to get Sam to lose weight. He said he's going to lose all credibility if he does try. Howard said he knows this man's lifestyle and he won't lose weight. Richard said that Howard may not change but other people do.
Howard said Richard showed up at his roast and he was dressed like a man. Richard said he was not there and people can see that when they see the roast on January 11th. Robin asked how he would know the date if he wasn't there. Richard said Gary told him the date.
Howard told Richard that trying to get Sam to lose weight is a waste of time. Howard said Richard did something very nice for him. He said he showed up to that roast and jammed his tongue down Sandra Bernhard's throat. Richard said Robin didn't know it was him. Howard said he appreciates that he showed up like a man. He said Richard roasted him and made out with Sandra Bernhard. Howard said she has her own lesbianic tendencies. Howard said Richard ran off after the kiss and he may have vomited in the men's room. Richard kept denying that he was there.
Howard said Richard comes in there and hugs everyone. He said that Jackie started humping him and Richard fan for the hills when he did that. Howard told him to come give him a hug. Richard asked why he has chosen to be so horrible today. Howard said he wants to see the naked girls. Richard said he's pushed, shoved and thrown him on the ground today. Howard told him to come over there. Richard said he might have to go on the Jay Thomas show instead of this show. Howard said that was really great of him to do that to him.
Howard told Richard to come over so he can make up with him. Richard asked why they're even friends. Howard said he knows he wants to chase him like a dog chasing a car. Richard said he has never wanted to chase him and he never has. Howard said he has too.
Howard asked Richard to come over but he refused. Howard said he has to take a break and then they'll get to the gifts he has. Richard said this is the last time he's going to do the show. He said Howard has enough celebrities to do the show now.
Howard told Richard to come over and sit on his lap. Richard said no. Howard said what he's going to do to him will make Merv and Denny blush. Howard said he's trying to make up with the man. Robin told him to stop it. Richard said he doesn't treat Pat Cooper this way. Howard said he wants Richard to come to him now. Richard said people tell him that he doesn't respect what he does and they're right. Howard said he's going to have a sexy woman pull down his pants and spank him. Richard said this is the worst day he's ever had on the show.
Howard said he has a present for Richard. Fred played an unzipping sound and a springing sound like he was pulling out his penis. Howard asked if he can love him. Richard said he doesn't know what that word means. He said he can only stay another 35 minutes. Howard told him to come over there. Richard said he's going to go back on Regis and Kathie Lee. Howard told him to ask Regis how his crippled son is. Richard told him to stop making fun of his friends. Howard said Regis is a phony. Richard said the phony is Howard. Howard said he's a decent man who loves him. He told Richard to come to him.
Howard asked Richard if he knows what Kathie Lee did to the original host on that show. Richard said he didn't want to hear him bad mouthing his friends. Howard said he's not even going to look at Richard now. He said that they're phonier than when Richard puts on that male voice.
Richard asked Howard to say something positive about Regis and Kathie Lee. Howard said he's not going to do that. Howard said that he will say that Kathie Lee is a nice piece of ass that would probably be good in bed if he could nail her. Richard said that's not positive. Richard said he's never going to be allowed back on that show after this. Howard said Richard needs a nice stripper girl. Richard said he's never been this ugly to him before. Richard said he's been tearing him down the whole time he's been in there.
Gary said Sam keeps calling and asked him to give Richard his number. He said he was asking for Richard's number too. Richard said he can give it to him. Richard said that they're all just court jesters for Howard sand that's what this is all about. Howard said Richard is the mean spirited one. They went to break a short time later.
After the edited out break Richard talked about the gifts that he got for Howard's kids. Howard said he got them the new Black Barbie doll. Howard said that Richard will be cut off from his kids if he stops doing the radio show. Richard said he will never be cut off from those kids. Howard said he will tell the kids that he's no longer Uncle Richard... he's now Aunt Richard. Howard said he can change that voice of his. He said he's secretly very vicious and he celebrates it when people are eating a fattening dessert.
Gary told Howard that his mom, Ray, was on the phone. Howard took the call even though he said he didn't need her on. Richard said that Mrs. Stern called him after the last fight they had. Ray said that Howard was devastated after the last fight they had. Howard said it does no good to love this guy. He said Richard is always testing that love. Howard told him to come over and hug him now. Richard said he has made fun of him for 4 years now. Howard said he just wants a hug. He said he's going to fight fire with fire. He told Richard to come sit on his lap. He told Richard to be Denny. Richard said he's done. He said he will call Sam and help him out. He said he'll keep calling Ray too. Howard said he wants to hug him and make up with him. Ray said that he's insulting him and he has to stop.
Howard was making fun of his mom blowing up fat too. Richard told him to stop it. Ray said that he is obsessed today. Howard let his mom go a short time later.
Howard said David Letterman has Richard on his show because he's heard how much fun he has on this show. Howard said that Richard is being silly and childish about this whole thing. Howard said he wants him to come over there. He said he is his friend. Howard said maybe he can give him the Barbie back and he can give it to Cody. Richard said that's it and he has to go to Regis and Kathie Lee. He walked off.
Howard said Bob Morton books Richard on Letterman and he just books people he hears on this show. Howard said he knows that Richard will come back. Howard said if anyone has the right to be mad it's him. Gary said Richard wanted him to tell Howard that he's in the Jock Lounge crying. He wasn't actually crying. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said maybe bring in Rachel the Spanker and some of the other girls. Howard said he loves parties. He said he loves Richard Simmons too. Gary brought in a bunch of girls but Rachel was out at her car getting something.
Howard asked one of the girls who she was. Her name was Sharon. Gary said they're all with Chantilly Lace except this one. The other girl was a topless massage girl. The rest of the girls wanted to strip and just have fun.
Howard said he was already aroused. He wasn't sure how to start this. Howard asked the girls what they do for a living. One was a dancer. Another was a model from Florida. She said she just got to New York last Friday. She's a model. She said she did some commercials in Florida. Howard said each girl is better looking than the next.
Howard asked the girls what they wanted to do. They wanted to get topless and give him a massage. One of the girls wanted him to massage them too. One girl said she didn't want to get naked. Howard said she can leave then. Gary said they did tell them that they would have to get naked.
Howard asked the girls to just get naked. He said maybe they need to dim the lights. He said they might be kind of inhibited. Howard asked the girls to get naked after that. He said that Devin had quite a body. He said it was like he had a harem in there. Howard asked the girl from Florida to get naked too. She stripped down and Howard said she had a good body too. Howard asked the next girl but she didn't want to get naked. Howard said that was Sharon. He said that the other girl who doesn't want to get naked can leave too.
Howard talked to Joyce and asked if she wanted to get topless. She said she would do it. She took her top off and then Howard asked who wanted to get spanked and who wanted to give massages. He said he had to take a break before getting to that though.
Gary told Howard they have a couple of guys there for Robin too. He said they thought that they wanted to get spanked by Robin. Robin said she's fine with that. Howard said she looks like she's ready for this too. Robin said she's just doing her duty. They went to break a short time later.
Howard had the girls come over to him so he could spank them. One of the girls was massaging his back. Howard was going to spank the girl but she told him not to leave marks. Howard said maybe he shouldn't do it then. Howard gave her a couple of whacks. Howard had Gary bring in some of the other people. Rachel the Spanker showed up. Jackie spanked her and turned her ass red.
Howard had the guy who showed up for Robin do his thing. He got over Robin's lap and Robin gave him 10 smacks on his ass. Howard told her to smack him like she's never smacked a person before. Robin gave him a couple of whacks and it wasn't very hard according to the guys in the studio. Howard told her to hit him like he had written an article about her in a soap opera magazine.
Robin ended up spanking the second guy a short time later. He was telling her to hit him harder after every whack. Robin kept going. He eventually said that actually did hurt.
Howard told that guy to get out of there. Howard said he bets Robin would like to take him home. Howard said he should be ashamed of himself. He told him to put his pants on and get out of there. Howard said he only brought the guys in for Robin.
Howard had Rachel come over to spank him. He said he loves Christmas. Howard said he won't be taking off his underwear. Howard had her spank him but she ended up hitting his back instead of his ass. She spanked him some more and told him to get over her knee. Howard said she's pretty wild. Howard asked if she was done. She was still spanking him and she was hitting him pretty heard. Howard said she's done now. He said her crabs are tickling him. Howard told her to get out of there and said he was being raped. Howard told her to get out of there. He said she's a slut. Howard went to break a short time later.
After the edited out break Howard came back and talked to the girls who were naked in the studio. Howard asked who met Eddie Murphy. One of the girls told Howard about how she met him. She told Howard how she got to go back to his house and studio. She said he has a dance floor in his house and a bowling alley in there too. She told Howard that they drank some champagne and just hung out and watched movies. She said that they kissed but that was about it. She said that Eddie is very subdued and they just hung out. She said she didn't have sex though. She said there was no fooling around. Howard said he thinks she's lying. She told Howard to get her a bible right now.
Howard found out one of the girls had Larry Hagman baby sit for her. She said that he was still on I Dream of Jeanie when he did that. She said that she was friends with his nephew. She said he used to have a game called The Fist that he'd play with the kids. That girl also met Paul Newman. She told Howard about that too.
Howard took another break and then brought in some more people. Gary told Howard that Celeste showed up. Howard said they didn't invite her. She crashed the party.
Gary brought in a couple more girls and they were all from a strip club. Howard said they're all professionals. Someone brought in a video camera so Howard said that's no fun. Gary didn't see it when they brought it in.
One of the women got totally nude. Howard asked the other one to get naked too. She did. Howard said she had some body on her and so did the other woman. Howard talked to the girls and then had Gary bring in the other people who were there for the party.
One guy came in who plays songs on his teeth. Howard had him do his thing quickly. The guy tapped on his teeth and played ''Jingle Bells.'' Howard said it sounded better on the phone. Robin said she told Howard not to invite him. Howard said it kind of lays and egg in a room full of naked people. The guy said he could play one more. He played the William Tell Overture. Howard said it's a good talent but anyone can do it. Howard demonstrated how he could do it too. Howard told that guy to get out of there.
Howard thanked everyone for coming in and getting naked. Howard said he knows Rachel wanted to do something to another woman. Rachel said she had a decorative glaze to use. She said she wanted to put it on another girl and clean it off. Howard had her do her thing to one of the girls who said she would do it even though she's not a lesbian. The girls did their thing. Howard said Rachel had to do her thing because he has an agenda. Rachel was doing something that he couldn't even describe on radio. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said they have this guy who has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He said his number is 4 and he has to have 4 of everything. Howard said if he takes a picture with someone he needs to have four taken. Howard talked to the guy and found out if he dropped paper on the ground he'd have to pick them up. Howard said he has to get this guy on the TV show. He said he'll do that when they get back from vacation. He said it's kind of sad but also kind of funny. He said he feels bad for the guy but he's going to drop some paper on the ground and watch him pick it up.
Howard dropped the paper on the ground. It was a big pile that Fred had ripped up. Howard told the guy not to pick them up. The guy said he might as well throw the rest out so he can get it over with. Howard said there were about 3000 pieces all over the floor. OCD guy was moaning. Howard said he's buried in paper now.
Howard said that will keep him busy during the news. He said if he doesn't pick them up then they'll have to pick it up. OCD guy said that he feels like he's going to go to prison if he doesn't pick them up. He said something bad will happen to him if he doesn't. He ended up picking them up. Jackie said Fred was still shredding to stay ahead of him.
After the break Howard asked the OCD guy some more questions. He asked if his wife knew about it. OCD guy said she did but she didn't see all of it. She ended up befriending someone and then ended up being more than friends.
Howard said this guy is a good guy. He said he didn't deserve to be dumped. Howard said today must have made up for all of that though. OCD guy sounded pretty happy with all of the breasts he got to see today.
Robin got back to her news and read about a little more Jay Leno stuff. She also had some Don Imus news. She said that they say he's going to be syndicated into some other markets. Howard said the real story is that their company is buying WFAN and they're not going to simulcast Imus' show when he only gets a 3 share. Howard said the reason they can go into Washington, Los Angeles and Philadelphia is because they can pull 11 shares and 6 shares in other markets. Howard said everyone wants to be simulcast now but you have to get ratings first.
Robin read through a bunch of other stories about various things in the news. Howard discussed a couple of things with her about some of those stories.
Robin was in the middle of a story and noticed that Fred and Jackie were still throwing paper at the OCD guy. Howard said he was getting annoying so he deserved it.
Robin and Howard ended up goofing on Catherine Hepburn for quite a bit of the news segment. They read something about her and Robin did an impression of her and Howard had some nasty things to say about her.
Howard spent a minute talking to the OCD guy before ending the show. He asked about what kind of things he has to do with the OCD. OCD guy told him that he has to buy 4 things at a time and do things in fours. Howard said he's a dope. OCD guy said that he should get himself together and stop it. He said every time you get the urge, just forget it. OCD guy said it's tough. Howard told Jackie to throw some more paper on the floor. He told OCD guy not to touch it. He didn't touch it but Jackie said he could tell he wanted to. Howard told the guy to shape up, he's 35 years old. OCD guy asked them to throw one more piece so there were 4 on the floor. Howard told them not to. Jackie said the guy was sweating not being able to pick them up.
OCD guy said that he might end up in jail or something might happen to his mom if he doesn't pick them up. Howard said it has nothing to do with him. Howard said even if his mom did drop dead tomorrow, so what? OCD guy said that's his mom though. Howard said the guy is a kook. Robin said he really is sweating. Howard said he needs about 9 people like him around him every day to get him to stop this behavior.
Howard told OCD guy to face whatever there is out there. He said he has to get a grip on himself. Robin asked if he's going to be able to leave now. OCD guy said it's going to be tough. Howard told him to walk out now and trust him. He told him to get out. OCD guy said he would but he went to grab the paper. Howard told him to get out. Howard let him go and wished him a Merry Christmas. OCD guy went to grab the paper again but they stopped him. Then he had to go out the door 4 times. Jackie said that's not shtick either. He said that's for real. Howard said there are a lot of weak people in this world.
Howard told this guy Jim to get out too. He said he's not sure how he talked him into letting him stay. Jim told him a story about Mark and Brian who did a drinking show together. He said they were just about making out on the air after getting drunk. He said they were really going at it and getting creepy. Howard said those are his two girls. He said all of their ratings are going to be gone soon. He said that's going to be their Christmas present.
Howard said he didn't want to leave. Robin said that's because they're not going to be there for a while. Howard said he's going to be home with his miserable existence. Howard said when he's off the air he doesn't know what to do. Robin asked what he has planned. Howard said he's going to Joan Rivers' party. Robin said she is too. Howard said he wishes it was January 2nd already. Robin said she wanted some time off. Howard said she's right. Howard asked Fred what he's going to be doing. Fred said he's going skiing. Howard said he doesn't know how to ski. Fred said he's going to learn. Howard said Fred hurt his knee last time he tried. Fred said he'll be fine. Howard wrapped up and ended the show a short time later.