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Howard said he is tired. He said his vacation was aggravating. He said he wasn't able to sleep. He said his mother told him rest was the most important thing. He did his impression of her telling him to just rest even if he can't sleep. He had her telling him that if you don't rest you'll get sick. He had her asking him what's wrong with him and why he can't sleep. Howard said he gets so paranoid about it. He said Beth won't sleep and she'll tell him to sleep later. He said he can't do it. He said everything is bad.
Robin said she didn't sleep well on Saturday so she just went to lay there with her eyes closed. Howard did his impression of his mother telling Robin she needs her rest after her cancer battle. Howard had her talking about how she has a routine and how Ben has a routine too. Ben kept asking who she was talking to. Then he talked about the routine he has.
Howard said his parents are so old that his father takes a shower at 7am. He said he's 97 years old and all fucked up. He said someone has to watch him shower. He said that he had to hire someone to do that. He said he has a team of people watching him shower. He said he asked if they can have him shower at 9 instead of 7. He had his mother talking about how difficult he is with his routine. He had the two of them going over that routine. Howard was talking to his parents about getting into a different routine. He was getting all aggravated about that. He said that he told them to just stick to the routine at 7.
Howard had his mother talking about Ben's routine in the morning when he eats breakfast after his shower. Howard asked if his mother could ask him to take a shower an hour or two later and she asked why he hates them. He told her to forget it.
Robin said if anyone has parents out there they should change their routine now. Howard said yeah, before they lock in. He went back into his impressions and had his mother telling him more about Ben's routine.
Howard said all week he had aggravation. He said that his mind is so fucked up. He said the way his mind works he goes from one fire to another one to put out. He said they're always lit in his head. He said he forgot about his parents because he had other things going on. He said that he went back and forth. He said he has this enlarged prostate now and he's up every 2 hours to pee. He said he has to pee at 3 in the morning. He mentioned an octopus teacher so Robin asked what that's about. Howard said it's a documentary on Netflix that's great. He said that he was relaxed watching that. He said even that got into a fight with a shark and he got upset about that. He said Beth doesn't want to eat Calamari anymore after watching that.
Howard said he has these negative thoughts in his head. He said he's trying to paint architecture and he can't understand it so he gets upset about that. He said then he thinks about his parents and their routine and he just can't sleep.
Howard said he told Beth he can't watch the news. He said that they were talking about what another 4 years of Trump would be like. He said you hear these things before you go to bed and you just want to relax.
Howard said the guy from the Black Panther movie didn't leave a will so his wife doesn't have anything. Robin said that's Chadwick Boseman. Howard said this guy was successful and he knew he was dying and he didn't leave a will. He said that he left his wife no will. He said he thinks they have kids. He asked how you do that. He said leave a will so your wife can function.
Robin said this guy was young before it happened to him. She said that he never thought about a will. Howard said when you have a prognosis like that. Robin said if you get diagnosed with stage 4 cancer the last thing you want to do is think about what's going to happen. Howard said that's a nice thing to say but you have a prognosis like that you have to make sure your wife is taken care of.
Robin said she had an outdated will and she just had it taken care of. Howard said he gets it but he thinks that he should have done something.
Howard said he has all of these problems that he's trying to take care of. He went back into his impression of his mother talking about resting. He said she gets so happy when she hears about people getting rest.
Howard said he's had it. Robin asked how long he has people watching them every day. Howard said his dad needs help with his shower. He said he doesn't want to get into it. He said it's enough. He said he'll get all changed up and he'll have to go up and lay down. Howard said it's crazy. Robin said Howard wants to live long but does he want to live like that. Howard said no. He said everything drives him nuts.
Howard said he was reading about this poor woman in Michigan who was going to get kidnapped and killed. He said that was crazy. He said their buddy is out there going ''Lock her up!'' He said he wants to get back to normal. He said he wants to go to sleep and not think about the president. He said that this guy got his wish. He said everyone is talking about him all the time. He said he woke up reading about the Coronavirus expert saying don't wear masks and things. He said he wants to know when this is going to end. He said that we have to get rid of this plague.
Robin said there are places that they have this under control and they're getting back to normal. Howard said that he was all aggravated about all of this. He said then he was beating himself up about drawing architecture. He said he's not good enough at it. He said he's not sure why it even bothers him so much. Robin said he's progressing. Howard said he has to quit this job so he can get down to drawing pictures. Howard said this is what goes through his head.
Howard said the keyboard player isn't playing keyboards. He said she's dancing in a belly shirt. He said she has some belly. He said that when a woman has rock hard ab bellies it's his favorite part. He said that he's a belly man. He said he doesn't care if you look like a train hit you. He said that he banged a girl in college who looked like a witch. He said so did he but she was horrible. He said she had a rock hard belly and it didn't matter. He said that he came so fast that she didn't know they had sex.
Robin said she listens to him and thinks there will never be equality because of that kind of thing. Howard said sure there will. He said he can turn that off.
Howard said he has worked with some beautiful women and he can turn it off. Robin said most men don't have it under control.
Robin said she was thinking about men trying to decide if Amy Coney Barrett is hot enough to bang. Howard said he's already made up his mind.
Howard said Bill Maher did a great bit on his show this week about the different type of Catholics. He said it's a really great rap. He said it was brilliant. Robin said that he was talking about how she belongs to some organization that thinks wide belt buckles are wrong because it brings attention to the crotch area. Howard said he'd fuck her.
Robin said she was watching the show about the cult called NXIVM and she was thinking this Amy woman would be in something like that. Howard said the show is called The Vow. He said that it's the same as The bachelor. He said it's watching really dumb people. He said that they say dumb stuff and people start crying and saying that this guy is a brilliant man. He said the guy is saying nothing profound at all. He said that the guy is an ugly little guy too.
Howard said Robin told him to watch something called Gangs of London on AMC+. He said he didn't have that app so he wondered what the fuck she was talking about. He said that he doesn't have it and he's not getting it. Robin said she knew that was going to happen. She said she knew he'd go crazy. Howard said she ruined his day. He said he doesn't even have AMC regular. He said he doesn't have AMC+. Robin said she's watching everything she can during the free trial and then getting out.
Howard said he loves watching stupid people. He said that's why he likes The Vow and The Bachelorette. He said he saw a preview of the new Bachelorette. He said that's coming up on Tuesday night. He said they have this woman who is 39 years old and acting like she's 70. Robin said she is running out of time. Howard said this guy Dale steps out of the car and she goes ''I just met my husband...'' He said that she's in such a rush. He said she's going to scare this guy. He said the guy is handsome. He said he reminds him of this guy Submariner who was a comic book character. Howard said this woman sees the guy get out of the car. He said the guy was wearing super tight pants and they only go down to their calf. Robins said they're like Capri pants. Howard said it's a douche bag look.
Howard said this woman is all worked up about this guy. He said this woman is so loser-ish. He said she's not a bad looking girl. He said she's so into this guy before he has even said hello. He said she's calling him her husband. Howard said this guy gets out of the limo and it's the exact opposite of the way women react to him. He said they go to the other side of the room when he walks in.
Howard said this woman was shaking. He said that's the kind of life he wants. Howard said when you're a good looking guy he sees the reaction. He said it ruins their lives. He said that guy is going to be a male model but that's the worst profession in the world. He said that they get no money compared to a female model.
Howard said the book is weird. He said it ends when he meets Lisa Bonet. He said that they leave it at the best part. He said that he wondered what kind of ending that is. He said that he's not sure how many volumes he has to read. He said that was the part he was waiting for. He said he must feel he can stretch it out over 2 books. He said he'll read it though. He said Lenny is so good looking that he saw Lisa Bonet on the Cosby Show and thought that was going to be his wife. Howard said he thought the same about Ginger from Gilligan's Island but that never happened. He said Lisa Bonet ran off with him right away. Howard said he doesn't get how Beth can be into him. Robin told him to stop it.
Howard said he was barely allowed in his own house. He said his parents couldn't wait to get him out of there. He said he loves Lenny. He said that his book was very well written too. He said he liked it. He said that he has a very embarrassing story about Kenny. He said that he had to get a promotional photo taken and he was told to go to this professional named Lenny. He said that this guy was good looking too. He said that he told him that he wanted to do some edgy shit. He said he was dancing around a barrel with fire in it. He said they never used any of them. He said after a long today this guy Ken says that he wanted to hang out. He said that he didn't want to hang. He said this guy gets a call and he gets off and says that Lenny Kravitz and his wife are in a warehouse shooting a rock video so they wanted him there. He said that Kenny asked him to go and he wasn't sure if he would be allowed in. He said Kenny told him it would be fine. Howard said he told Ken that things like that never work out for him. He said that people have a strange reaction to him. He said that he didn't want to put them on the spot either. He said Ken told him that they'd want him there. He said they get in this convertible and drive down there through Manhattan. He said they go to this warehouse and he has no idea where they are.
Howard said he asked Ken to just drop him off somewhere. He said Ken tells him that he has to go and it's going to be a great scene. He said they get there and get to the door and Ken goes in to check in. He said he was just standing there for 5 minutes and then 10 minutes. He said then Ken comes out. He said he figured he just watched him to watch his car at that point. He said that he had maybe 25 million people listening to him in the morning. He said he has low self esteem though. He said that Ken comes out and tells him that they were having problems in there so maybe it's not cool to go in. He said he figured the don't want him in there. He said Ken tells him that they're overwhelmed. He said he had to figure out a way to get out of there. He said he was just rejected by Lenny and his wife Lisa. He said Kenny thought he was a big star but now he's been demoted to an outcast. He said he had enough bad feelings about himself. He said that Ken told Lisa who he was and she got upset and threw up. He said that's what it felt like to him.
Robin asked how he got home. Howard said he doesn't remember all of it. He said that he felt like he was in high school and getting rejected by the cool kids. He said he knew that was going to end badly. He said he told Ken that. He said that it was like Ken told him they had a ''no dorks allowed'' rule in there.
Howard said it's like they told him to go home or they'd give him a wedgie. He said that part wasn't in Lenny's book. He said that's in his book.
Howard said that they were afraid that they'd bring the average in the room down if he went in. He said they were all 10s and he'd bring it down.
Howard said he remembers going home and feeling like garbage. He said it wasn't even Lenny's fault. He said that it was Ken who made him go there. Howard said he has to turn his phone off. He said that wasn't very professional. He turned it off.
Howard said he was getting worked up reading Lenny's book. He said that it reminded him of his wife's life. He said that her teachers would tell her that the boys she was dating in school weren't good enough for her. He said even her teachers were in love with her.
Howard said Beth tells him about her life in school and it reminds him of Lenny's life. He said that they belong together. He said that Beth says high school was great because she had so much fun. Howard said it was agony for him. He said he wouldn't have minded it if he wasn't popular. He said it's like he didn't even go there. He said he was the invisible man here.
Howard went into his mother's impression again. He had her talking about his face. Howard said Lenny's book is good. He said it's called Let Love Rule.
Howard asked if Robin knew that he wrote ''Justify My Love'' for Madonna. Robin said she did. Howard said she did not. Howard said this is kind of interesting. He asked if this is the demo. He asked them to cut it off.
Howard said Lenny tells a story about this song and how he called Madonna with the song and told her it would be a hit. He said that he couldn't see himself singing it. He said Madonna invited him right over to her house. He said when you look like that you get invited right over. He said this is what he played for her. He played the demo of the song and it was without lyrics. Howard said this is so interesting to him.
Howard said that's so great that they can take it from that to the song. He said maybe that's how he could write a song. Robin said it's like having another language. She said you share that with another artist. Howard said he's trying to write it all down at once but if Fred just gave him a beat maybe he could do that. He did his impression of just humming along to the song. He said at the end he does say ''Justify my love'' though. Fred threw in some Beetlejuice singing clips with the demo. Howard said sing it Beet! Howard said how about Lenny and Beetlejuice together. Robin said that she can't believe they never collaborated together.
Howard said that Beet is the Lenny of people with tiny heads. Howard said he thinks he can write a song now. He said he knows how it's done now. He said give him something with some edge to it. He said he wants something spicy. He said don't let him lose this moment. Fred played a track for him to sing along with. Howard hummed and made some grunting noises. Robin said this might not be the right beat for him. Howard said maybe for Madonna. Howard said this is how Lennon and McCartney wrote the White album.
Howard said he should pee and try to get to some folks on the phone. Robin asked if Lenny has lost his looks. Howard said not at all. He said he can't wait for guys like that to lose their looks. He said Lenny still looks good. He said most people can relate to him because there are way more that look like him than look like Lenny.
Howard said he was watching The Bachelor and they have this woman Claire who has been on the show a bunch of times. Howard said you'd think if it doesn't work out so many times that they'd stop having her on. He said she's the one who thinks she sees her husband as soon as this guy gets out of the car.
Howard said they had her look up the contestants ahead of time so she had looked them all up before they shot the show. Howard said it's bullshit. He said he likes that they can't get testing for COVID for most people but somehow they got rapid testing in place for these people on The Bachelor. Robin said Hollywood has their own supplies. She said that's why they have their own parties. Howard said you have to have your priorities straight. He said you have to be able to get contestants on a show tested before you can get people who want to visit their grandparents in the hospital tested.
Howard said he should take a break and go pee. He said he has to get through the show without keeping his legs crossed. He said he should play some clips from The Bachelor. He said they have some Vocal Fry clips to play. He said that people speak with that to sound smarter.
Howard played a clip from a few seasons ago where one of the women was talking with vocal fry. Howard said it's like another pandemic that spread without anyone telling them to do it. He said he's not sure how that happens. Robin said it's like a style. She said they all start doing it after one does it.
Howard played the clip over again and did his impression of vocal fry. Howard said they created a bit where they have vocal fry around the world in different countries. He played that bit where they had a woman speaking in Spanish. Then they had a woman speaking in Japanese with vocal fry. Howard said you can go around the world with it. He had a Bosnian clip too.
Howard said it's just dumb people. He said it's like The Vow. Robin said that they're not stupid but something is wrong there. She said that Amy Coney woman can be duped into some weird ideas too. Howard said he has to go pee. He said that he's going to do that now. They went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said they're back. He said he took care of business. He said that he saw that Kevin Hart is getting his own channel there on Sirius. He said that he said some nice things about him and he was happy about that. He said that he just cares of it's positive. Robin said if it was negative he'd know every word. Howard said Kevin is coming on soon. He said that he has the comments here. He read what Kevin said about him and said that he changed the broadcasting business and that's allowed him to get into it.
Howard said he loves positive comments. Robin said there are a lot of positive things said about him. He said he should keep repeating those. She said forget the negative nellies.
Howard said he should take some phone calls. Howard took a call from Bobo who said they ended the show on a negative note before vacation. He said that Ralph and Ronnie shouldn't be fighting over political views. Howard said he doesn't know about that. He said it's not like he's gotten rid of friends but he has told them not to open their mouths about this station. He said he'd rather not know because he thinks they're dummies if they have those views. He said he sees such chaos right now in this country and they don't think it's this guy's fault. He said that we have the highest number of cases in the world. He said that's the lack of leadership. Howard said that you can't not know.
Robin said if you have a strong view on something and someone isn't as well informed and has other people whispering in their ear and they want to please them and they have a different view... Howard said he's done. He said there are people who are enabling this bad behavior. He said he gets rid of them. He said that when he sees shitty parenting going on he gets rid of them. He said he doesn't want anything to do with them.
Howard said this is life and death now. He said he needs real leadership here. He said he needs experts and science here. He said he wants to return to normal. He said it's not going to happen with this guy. He said that he thinks people who are supporting this guy as being dumb.
Bobo asked if he thinks Ralph has a bad attitude. He said he has an uneducated way of thinking. Howard said that's why he doesn't want to know who Ronnie is voting for. He said that he was just trying to ask how he was undecided. He said it's blown up into a whole thing. He said he almost called him during vacation to see how he's doing. He said he didn't want to get him riled up though.
Howard said Ronnie is pissed at Jason and Chris Wilding now. He said that Ronnie hasn't gone on the Happy Hour for a few weeks now. Gary said he used to go on at 5:30 or so and Ronnie would be the ring leader there. He said he was very vocal there. He said he went on the first Friday they were off and there was no one there. He said the second week there was no one there. He said then this past week Will got on at 8 at night and told him that there was no Ronnie.
Howard said a lot of people thought that the line was crossed with Ronnie. He said he has a lot of fan feedback about that. He read through some of that. There were people who were upset about them bullying Ronnie over who he wants to vote for. Howard said they even got mail from a Biden supporter who was upset with their bullying.
Howard said that there were some people who agreed with Ralph. He read some of that feedback. He said some people were on Jason's side when he went off on people who are supporting Trump.
Howard said Benjy caught some shit over saying that he doesn't want government. He read through some of that.
Howard asked Ronnie what's going on with Happy Hour. Ronnie got on and said that they're entitled to their opinion and say what they want. He said he never did say who he was voting for so he's not sure why they're doing that. He said he just wasn't around for the happy hour. He said they're not around at 5:30 anyway. He said that he didn't check in but there's usually someone on at 5. He said he wasn't around the last 2 Fridays.
Howard said he heard he was upset about Jason and Chris. Ronnie said he was kind of upset. He said he didn't say who he was voting for but they got after him anyway. Howard said they think that he's voting for Trump because he won't say. Ronnie said he isn't happy with a lot of shit that's going on. He said there's a lot of stupid statements coming from this president. He said he didn't say who he's voting for though. He said that it makes no sense to him. He said his feelings are hurt. He said he's not going to cry about it though.
Howard said that Jason was upset with him and called him a Nazi. He also sent him a fruit basket. Ronnie said his cat passed away recently and he got a fruit basket for that and then he's getting shot by him. Howard asked Jason what his thoughts are on this. Jason said that he likes Ronnie very much and they have had a lot of experiences together. He said the question was if he was going to vote for Trump. He said that he would take that into account about what kind of person he is. He said if that's what he's putting his name next to then that's the way he's going to go. Robin said Ronnie never said which way he was going. Jason said that he was just saying that's how he'd feel if he went that way.
Jason said that he loves Will very much but if he said he was voting for Trump that would change the way things are between them. Howard said maybe Ronnie took it the wrong way. Ronnie said Jason not so much. He said that Ralph has already said he's done. He said that it's the same with Chris.
Howard asked Chris if Ronnie is taking this too seriously. Ronnie said he can't even vote here. Chris said he can have an opinion though. Chris said that he wasn't really talking to Ronnie. He said he was talking to Trump voters in general. He said he doesn't get why you can't see what's happening and how out of touch you are with society if you vote for him. Chris said the whole thing is bizarre how Ronnie is taking it. He said he thinks that he is voting for him and he's beating himself up over it. He said Ronnie knows it's not the right thing to do.
Howard said he's not sure why anyone wants to be friends with Ralph and why they'd be upset. Ronnie said that Gary said that he should just say he's voting for Biden and this will go away. Gary said he didn't say that. He said that he was saying if he just said he was voting for Biden it would go away.
Howard said this got out of control. He said he doesn't believe there is no one out there in America who is undecided. He said he wasn't looking for Ronnie's vote, he was just shocked he was undecided. Ronnie said he has made a decision. He said that everyone is entitled to their decision.
Chris said he heard he was bad mouthing Biden during the debate so that's why he was thinking the was voting for Trump.
Gary said there are a lot of theories about Ronnie and why he might be voting one way or another. He said that some people think that he might be voting for Biden but he has a lot of conservative friends so he doesn't want to say who he's voting for.
Howard said he thinks that Ronnie will be back for Happy Hour. Ronnie said he wasn't around for 2 weeks so he will be back. Ronnie Puppet said that he was out with the Militia who was going to kidnap the Michigan governor. Howard spent a little time talking to Ronnie puppet.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this bullying of voters is rampant in the country. He said that it shouldn't matter how your friends are voting. Howard said he don't know about that. Robin said Howard has said he can be friends with Trump after this. Howard said he was just saying that. He said he's not looking for any friends. He said he has to many. He said he's trying to shed a few. He said he'll be happy when he's doing his thing outside the White House.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it's enough of politics. He said they have to get back to Cocktober. Howard said Cocktober is here and they haven't forgotten about it. He said tomorrow they're holding the Prettiest Penis contest. He said that they have a lot of dick pics that people sent in. He said that Nikki Glaser and Ralph will be the judges tomorrow for that. He said that grey were shocked by how many pictures they got this year.
The caller asked if they will know which way the cock lean. Howard said they will. He said they got a lot of pictures of big ones and small ones too. He said there was one that they showed Robin that was pretty small. He said they sifted through the hundreds of dick pics and most people who applied held up every day household products for scale. He said they held up bottles and cans next to them. He said this is some hair gel and a TV remote in another. Robin said she has that remote and that's a big remote.
Howard said that many of the photos were taken in weird rooms. He said that grey have some that were taken in their kid's room and places like that. The caller asked if he ever thought about slipping in a picture of his own dick to see what the reaction would be. Howard said no way.
Howard said that this guy went to Las Vegas and took a shot next to the Eiffel Tower and his dick is huge.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said he can't wait to judge this contest. Howard asked Ralph how he judges this. Ralph gave some criteria for how he's going to judge. Ralph said he was also wondering if he can get a shot of Sal's dick. He said that he wants to use that as a comparison. Robin said maybe they should have the ugliest penis contest too.
Howard said that Nikki Glaser will also be part of this contest. Robin said she must be having a hard time during the Pandemic if she's doing that.
Ralph said that he wants to say something about Ronnie. He said that he hung up that day because he didn't want to say something he regretted. He said that he just doesn't understand how you could want 4 more years of Trump. Howard asked where he is with Ronnie. Ralph said if he's voting for Trump he can't be friends with him. He said if you're not voting for Trump then stand up and say something. He said that if there are a few people that he could sway then he should say something. He said don't sit silent. Howard said be proud, be brave, be strong and say something.
Howard asked if Ronnie has a response. Ronnie got on and Ralph said that he got a lot of positive reaction to this on Twitter. He said that Ronnie is on the wrong side of this whole thing.
Howard asked Ronnie if he can come out and be proud and come out one way or another. Ronnie said he's not going to make a difference one way or the other. Ralph asked if he thinks that Howard can make a difference. Ronnie said he's not Howard. He said he's just another jerk working on the show. Ralph said that it's not like that. He said if he strongly came out and said something for Biden it would make a difference. Howard asked how many Twitter followers he has. Ronnie said 223,000 or so. Howard said last time the difference was 73,000 votes or something like that. He said that it can have an effect. Ronnie said he got a lot of positive stuff about being bullied on the show. Ralph told him to stop with the bullying stuff. He said this is too important. He said that this is too important because it's ruining people's lives. He said you have to take it seriously and you should be saying something if you have any followers. He said take a stand. He said you want to be on the right side of this.
Howard said that Mariann wants to yell at Ralph about going off on Ronnie. Mariann got on and said that politics and religion are very personal. She said that she's not going to say who she's voting for. Ralph told her to shut up. Ralph said Biden doesn't need this shit at his age. He said that he cares about this country. Mariann and Ralph argued but Ralph said she's not listening. Howard hung up on her and took another call.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Ralph is an asshole. He said that he's the kind of guy who can't have a civilized discussion about politics. He said that they don't all make money by shaving Howard's belly. He said some of us have to go out and work hard for a living. Ralph asked what his point is. The caller said most of the time he likes that he's an asshole on the air. Ralph asked who he's voting for. The caller said Trump so Ralph went off on him saying that he's just a dummy. He asked why Florida is so important when you have dummies like that living there. He said they're all idiots there.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if he's going to re-sign with Sirius and if Joe Biden is going to call in for an interview. Howard said he has no idea about coming back for another contract. He said that he would love to talk to Joe Biden but he hasn't heard if he wants to come on. He said he has heard from the campaign but they have nothing on the books right now.
Howard said that he likes what he read in the paper about the deal they want to have with him there. He said he'd be very happy if they did give him that deal. Howard said he didn't want to say this but Joe Biden is going to be a surprise judge in the prettiest penis contest. He went to break after that.
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Howard came back and thanked Boll and Branch for sponsoring the show today. He spent a minute talking about them.
Howard said the dumbest guy on the staff is Sal. He said he's not going to vote. He said that he doesn't believe in politics and doesn't want to be responsible for anyone in office. He said that he told him that's how little kids think. He asked Sal why he wants other people to vote for him. Sal said he knows who he's voting for but he's disgusted with both sides. Howard asked if he tells his kids that he doesn't believe in politics.
Sal said he wants to be like a dog. He said that you can't blame the dog if they do something wrong. Howard said just pick someone and vote. He said you have to vote. Robin asked if he wants to live in a country where he has no say. She said Sal believes he can fly. Howard said that's right. Fred played a clip of Sal saying that his dog visited him and things like that.
Howard said it's really sad to think that you want to be like a dog. Sal said dogs are so not judgmental. He said he wants the world to be like that. He said he wants to have the compassion and loyalty of a dog. Howard said Sal admires dogs and wants to be like a dog and not an adult. Sal said he wants to carry the same unconditional love that a dog has. He said that's what he wants.
Howard told Sal to go piss on a fire hydrant. Howard said why not be like an ant that has no stress. Sal said he doesn't want to be an ant. Howard asked what if he said he wanted to be like a dog. He said why not be a goldfish. He said talk about stress free. Sal said its not the stress. Howard said it's sad to say you want to be like a dog. He said what you're saying is you want to be a baby.
Howard said a 3 year old would say he doesn't want to vote. He said Sal wants to be a dog and his IQ is 107 so he's halfway there. He asked what kind of statement that is. He said grow up and be a man. Sal said the simplicity of a dog is so great.
Howard said guys who spend their lives in prison want to get out. He said they get out and they go and commit a crime. Howard said a lot of people who do that say they can't make it in the outside world so they had to go back to prison. He said that makes him sad that there are people who would rather be locked up. He said that Sal saying he wants no responsibility is sad to him. He said he feels sad for Sal. Sal said he's fine. He said he is responsible. Howard said Sal said he's praying for change in society. Sal said yes. Howard said you can have change by voting instead of praying for an imaginary person.
Howard asked Sal why he doesn't do a rain dance. Sal said he doesn't believe in that. Howard asked why not. Sal said he's trying to collect the energy in this world. Howard asked if he believes that a rain dance can work. Sal said it wouldn't surprise him but no. Robin asked if Sal gets sick does he go to a doctor or pray. Sal said he does both. Howard said that voting can help induce change. He said you can take some responsibility for your children's future if you vote.
Howard took a call from fake Sal's wife who was telling Sal to go astral project himself into a voting booth. She said she prays that his foreskin will fall off.
Howard told Sal to tell everyone his story about dimes and the afterlife. Sal said dimes can be a sign from people in the afterlife that people can be with you. Robin asked if the afterlife only works in American currency. Sal said they are in America so maybe they have other currency in other countries. Howard said he's trying to get the story. He asked how they try to contact you. Sal said here's how it goes. He said if you try to contact someone in the afterlife and you see a dime it can mean that they can contact you. Howard said you don't know if it's real or not. Sal said he makes the connections so he thinks that it's someone contacting him.
Howard asked Sal about seeing a dime and how he knew it was from a friend's dead wife. Sal said yeah. He said they were at a birthday party and he cooked for the party. He said it was outdoors on the beach. He said he parked his car and when he did the brother in law was there. He said they were talking and they saw a dime between their feet. He said the timing of it was amazing. He said he doesn't care if they don't believe him. Howard asked if it's fair to say that he has the IQ of a dime.
Howard asked what the dead did before dimes were invented. Sal said the dead have other ways of communicating. Howard asked if they have unlimited dimes in Heaven or what. Sal said he doesn't have the answer to that. He said he thinks that there's no time and space in heaven so they know they can reach out to you by going back and putting a dime down.
Howard asked who the president is on a dime. Sal said he thinks it's Roosevelt. Howard asked if that's his final answer. Sal said he thinks that it's FDR. Howard asked what a nickel means if you find that on the ground. Sal said he doesn't know that one.
Robin said that if she sees a dime it means nothing to her. Sal said that a sign can be something like asking to see a frog in the next week. Howard asked Sal how much time he has spent on this stuff. He said that it seems to be a lot of time and imagination spent on this. Sal said it's new age religion. He said it's nothing new. Howard said Sal has a book about this stuff. He said there's a book called Dimes from Heaven. Howard asked Sal how you know the difference between a regular dime and a dime from heaven. Sal said you ask for the dime from heaven.
Howard asked Sal if you think that if you spent half of your time researching politics and the candidates to make an informed decision that it's more grounded in reality. He said that Sal thinks his dad his silly for playing numbers he finds but he's just as silly as his dad is. He said Sal ridicules his dad over that stuff but he's turned into that. Sal said his dad has a form of OCD but he just believes in the afterlife. Howard said Sal is the same. Sal said that he's not the same.
Howard said that he saw some pennies on the ground and they seemed to spell out ''Sal is stupid'' so he's taking that as a sign. Sal said he's going to just take this as a sign to look more into politics.
Howard said he saw a dime and it was Eddie Van Halen. He said it must be fun being Sal. Robin said he can fly and he can astral project and things like that. She said he's so special. Howard told Sal to read a book on politics and make a decision.
Howard said Sal once came to him and said that anything is possible when you're not a slave to logic. Robin laughed. She said that's great. Howard said that you could do a whole 4 hours with Sal. He asked if he promised his mother that he won't astral project anymore. Sal said that he did. He said that you can lose the silver umbilical cord and you can die from it. Howard said Sal told him that he had a conversation with his mother over this and that's what she told him. He said that she wants him to stay in his body and not fly around. Sal said that is true. He said she asked him not to do that anymore. He said that he's attached by a silver umbilical cord. He said she asked him not to do it anymore so he agreed.
Howard asked when you hear that story do you have less respect for Sal or his mom. Robin said even in her house she could never have that discussion. Sal said that Oprah believes in all of this stuff. He said she believes in the after life an signs. He said she has backed up a lot of authors who believe in this stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who said please don't tell Sal to vote because this is the kind of person who got us into trouble in 2016.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Sal is constantly grasping for something that makes him feel like he wants to feel. He said dimes aren't a real religion. Howard said he loses respect for Sal every time he hears these stories from Sal. He said that his mother thinks he can really fly around. He said she thinks that he's Super Man.
Howard said Sal's mother has been through a lot. Sal said he's not fanatical about this. Howard said he is the chosen one. Sal said he never said he was. Robin said she thinks this is Sal getting ready for Howard's retirement. She said that he's going to be one of these people who contacts the dead for you. Sal said no way. Howard said Sal's mom has her hands full with Sal's dad and she doesn't have room for another guy like that.
Howard said look who's on the phone, Scott Schmaren. He said Scott hypnotized Sal. Howard asked Scott what he makes of this guy. Scott said that he loves Sal. He said that there's something going on inside of Sal. He said he has worked with a lot of people like this. Howard said he feels like there's nothing going on inside Sal. Scott said that he has talked to Sal about this stuff before. He said that they could probably hypnotize Sal and get him to contact the dead. He said they could get in touch with some of the Wack Packers. Howard asked Sal how he feels about that. Sal said he's not sure about that. Howard asked Scott if they're safe around Sal. Scott said he thinks so. He said it might be fun to do this with Sal. Howard said maybe they will do that. Howard thanked Scott for the call.
Howard said if you stand near Sal you could be hit by a dime at any minute. He said be careful. He said if you drop a dime from Heaven that could kill you. He said people have died when people are trying to contact them.
Howard said that Sal said he contacted his dead high school principal. Sal said he just picks a random person and prays for them. He said when he fell off the stage years ago he was in a wheelchair and this sweet lady pushed him over and made him a plate. He said every time he thinks about her he thinks about how nice that was. He said that she had a positive impact on him. He said that he prays for her. He said his principal took pity on him so he prays for him too. He said he feels like he's giving back to everyone like that.
Howard asked Sal if he would pray for someone if they asked him to. Sal said for someone like Robin he would do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how he hired a guy like this. He said Howard might be the dope in this whole thing. Howard said he doesn't know.
Howard took a call from fake Sal's Mom and he asked her about telling Sal to stop flying. Fake Sal's Mom was going on and on about the silver umbilical cord and arguing with Sal's dad. Howard asked if Sal was a difficult child with such a low IQ. She told Howard that his penis looks like a silver umbilical cord. She ended up arguing with Mr. Governale about Sal.
Howard said he's always fascinated that Sal was on Wall Street and people trusted him with their money. Mrs. Governale said that people are stupid. Howard asked who is more difficult to handle, Sal or Mr. Governale. She said that it's Sal.
Howard said he prays that Sal stops astral projecting. He said they're all afraid of him cutting his silver umbilical cord. Howard asked if she carries pictures of Sal in her wallet or is she embarrassed by that. Mrs. Governale said they have no pictures anywhere not even in the house. Howard let Mrs. Governale go a short time later. Sal said that sounds exactly like them.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if Sal is okay because she thinks that maybe Sal has gotten dumber because of this COVID thing. She asked if he has seen any glowing animals lately. Howard said it's enough of Sal for now. He said that they have heard enough. Sal said this is belief he has and some people don't believe in anything. He said he's not pushing this on anyone. He said this is just a belief he has. Howard said Sal thinks that he can speak to dead people. Sal said they come to him in his dreams and he can't help that. Robin said Sal could have followers. She said they might come to hear him speak. Sal said he doesn't need that.
Howard asked Sal who the last dead person he heard from was. Sal said that the next person who does come along he'll let them know. Robin asked why he doesn't have them tell him how to vote. Howard asked if Eric the Actor is doing okay. Sal said he would assume so. He said he did hear from Joey Boots. He said that was someone else who reached out to Joey though. He said it wasn't him.
Howard asked if Eric the Actor is able to walk in the afterlife. Sal said he can do whatever he wants in the afterlife. He said Eric is in a form of energy now. He said he's a soul now and he's free from anything that crippled him in this life. Howard said Eric doesn't have club feet anymore. Howard said when he dies his penis will be as big as he wants it to be. He said he'll be good looking too. Sal said he can change his face too then. Robin asked if you can get women in heaven. Sal said he doesn't know that.
Howard said he's watching this show The Vow on Netflix and he thinks Sal could have followers like this guy in that show. Sal said he's not looking for that. He said that he has people come to him in his dreams and he can't help that.
Howard said if he had someone become to him in a dream like that he's sure he'd be exited about it. He said Sal takes it like it's not a big deal. Sal said he just knows it exists. He said he that he's comfortable with it.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said he's not harping on this Trump thing but he wants to make people clear on why people get upset with people who are voting for Trump. He said we can't believe that you're falling for his bullshit. He said he'd never say that you're stupid for voting for him. Howard said he has to interrupt him because on the phone he has Blue iris from the afterlife. He said she has questions for Sal. Howard took the call and fake Blue Iris. That lasted about half a sentence before Howard said he's sick of Sal and he has to end this.
Howard let Sal go and thanked him for the fascinating glimpse into his life. Fred played the clip of Sal saying he's a pregnant turtle.
Howard said people wrote in about their Eddie Van Halen tribute. Howard said he spent a lot of time listening to the Van Halen tribute channel there. He said he watched a lot of Van Halen videos online too but there's not a lot of good footage out there. He said he'd like to see some good footage. He said that he loves both Roth and Hagar so he'd be happy to see either. He said he saw one videos where David Lee Roth was wearing ass less chaps with a tail covering up his ass crack. He said he'd do these high kicks and his balls would fall out of the chaps.
Howard said they say that there is some footage from a 1986 concert. He said he'll have to check that out.
Howard said that a lot of people wrote in about Steve Nowicki playing Eddie Van Halen.
Howard said that someone tweeted David Crosby kind of made a snide comment about Eddie Van Halen when he said ''Meh'' to someone asking what he thought of him. Howard said he doesn't get people getting so upset with the guy giving his opinion. He said they came down on him so hard that he had to apologize.
Howard said people liked their Gone but Not Forgotten special the ran over vacation. He read some of that and talked about the Chris Cornell special they ran. He said they got a nice note from his wife Vicky who was happy about them remembering him.
Howard said they got feedback about a lot of the other guests they remembered in that special. He read about David Brenner, Joan Rivers, Charlie Murphy and more. Howard
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he liked that special and he thought the best part was a line that James Brown said about Howard. He said there were some other great moments in that special too. He talked about how great Hank was and how good the special was. He said it brought back a lot of great memories about the show.
Howard talked about Rodney Dangerfield and what a great guy he was. He said they had him in the special too.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked them to dedicate the final show if he retires to Sal's ''traction.'' Howard said they can do that.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that her dad took Metamucil and she has been taking it and it has changed her life. She said her stomach is flat now and it's been life changing for her. Howard said she's absolutely right. Howard said his stomach isn't flat but he eats too much. He said he went and got a colonoscopy and Dr. Agus told him he had an issue with Diverticulosis. He said he was told that something had to be done so he started taking Metamucil. He said that he was bummed he had to take it but he started on it and he has movements that come out so easy. The caller said they're the best. She said there's no remnants. She said that there's nothing on the paper when you wipe. Howard said the world rejoices. He asked how old she is. the caller said she's 52. She said she has a really good body. She said she's got about 9 percent body fat.
Howard took a call from Chris Wilding who was doing an impression of the caller talking about the shit she's taking now. She said she's unable to stop shitting.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he'd like to hear more about Sharon's shits. He asked for more details. Sharon said that she didn't expect this response. She asked if Howard has seen the show ''Rossi'' on Hulu. Howard said he has not. The caller said that there's a character on the show like Eric the Actor who is very funny. She said he might want to watch it to get more Eric in his life. Howard said he liked it better when she was talking about shitting.
Howard said he has to talk about Julie Chen and what's going on with her. He said her husband left CBS and she stuck by him through all of this stuff he went through. Howard said she used to sign off of Big Brother with a sign off where she said her name as just Julie Chen. He said she changed that to Julie Chen Moonves when her husband left CBS. Howard said she has changed it even more. He said this season she started adding a message to her sign offs. He said this started in August. He played a clip of Julie saying something about being safe, be well and be good to one another.
Howard said he thinks that she used to have such a career and she was the wife of this big executive. He said now she's just a host of Big Brother. He said this is her way of getting a message out. He said she must be bottled up so much.
Robin said she hopes she adds even more. Howard said he has more. He said that she has new stuff every week. Howard played another clip. He said there must be a deeper meaning to this one. In that one Julie said ''Remember the golden rule... Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.'' Howard said that she keeps adding new phrases. He said she reads 3 about being kind to people. Howard played the clips and Julie was telling people to choose kindness. Robin said she has to check her Twitter feed to see if people are being mean to her. Howard said maybe she's giving a message to her husband. He said maybe he's tired of being around her all the time during quarantine.
Howard played another clip of Julie telling people to ''leave judgment at the door.'' Robin said she must really miss something in her life. She said that show is all about people getting on each other's nerves and not being kind to each other.
Howard did his impression of Julie giving a message about ''Two in the pink and one in the stink.'' He said he's not sure what's going on there. Robin said she must have lost her friends and she's warning people it can happen to them too.
Howard played another message Julie gave about being slow to react and slow to judge. Howard did more of his impression of her and Robin wondered what she's doing because that show is all about judging people. Howard did more of his impression of Julie giving messages.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said Julie has been acting like a nun lately on that show. She said it's all about guilt and her cheating on her husband and all of that. Howard said don't kick people when they're down. He hung up on her.
Howard did more of his Julie Chen Moonves impression and gave more messages. Howard said it's very cliché. He said that it's not profound stuff. Howard gave more lame phrases as Julie.
Howard said she's on a mission here. He wondered why she's getting so deep on dumb Big Brother. Howard said Dan Rather used to give a message when he would sign off. He said back then you needed to have that. He did more of his Julie stuff and said they should end the show. Robin said she should have a sign off too. Howard said he's Howard Stern and goodbye until we meet again... remember this. How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
Howard said that's not very good. He said Sally sells sea shells at the sea shore. He said may the force be with you... and a bunch of other lame things like that. They ended the show around 10:25am.
Howard started the show singing something that Robin took as spooky noises. Howard said Robin has a life outside the radio show and he loves following that. He said the latest thing is that she's hosting a special night with Simone Dinnerstein the pianist. He said he loves that about Robin. He said she's always up to culture and such a lady. He said he was reading about this and you get to go on Zoom and watch Simone with Robin hosting. Robin said she'll be on Zoom as well.
Howard said he can see her being Robin Ophelia Quivers for the night. Robin said she's going to be Dame Robin. Howard said he can see her wearing black. He said she'll come out and introduce Simone. He did an impression of what that might sound like. Robin said this is exactly what she's going to say. Fred had some piano music playing while Howard did that.
Howard said he pictures Robin in a white powdered wig. Robin asked if she's Marie Antoinette or something. Howard said yes. He said he hopes she's not leaving the house. Robin said she may never leave the house again.
Howard read about how they're letting people pick how much they want to pay for their tickets. He said that means they're $10. Robin said you can pay what you want. She said this is a few weeks away. Howard asked if she's going to show her tittles. Robin said if it sells tickets maybe.
Howard asked if she's doing it to make money or just to help. Robin said she's just helping out. She said if she was singing she would take some money. Howard said if she did just one song their whole audience would go. Robin laughed. She said they once proposed that to her to have Simone play with her. She said she wouldn't even ask that question.
Howard asked if she's really friends with Simone. Robin said of course. She said she sees her on Zoom all the time. Howard asked if she would save Fred or Simone if they were sinking on a ship. Robin said that she would save Fred. She said that Simone can't work puppets on the show. Howard said imagine all of that talent sinking to the bottom of the ocean.
Howard said that's very nice that she'll be helping out her friend. He asked what else she'll be doing. Robin said they haven't discussed it but she'll do whatever they ask her to.
Howard asked if Simone has a nice house or is she struggling. Robin said she's doing the same as anyone who plays classical music. She said she's not broke but she should be better known. She said she is a gift and should be better known.
Robin said she was just reading about Jeffrey Toobin. She said that he showed his penis accidentally. Robin said the guys there sent her some stuff that she shouldn't have seen. She said it wasn't penis.
Howard said this piano playing thing was a form of entertainment 400 years ago. He said this is how you'd punish him. Robin said lets see how long rock and roll lives. Howard said if he did something really bad he'd be forced to watch this all day online. Robin said he would be blown away if he saw her play in person. Howard said this would be torture for him. Robin said it would not. Robin said this is one person with 10 fingers playing all of those notes.
Howard said that it's sad she has to work a second job at the Olive Garden. Robin said she doesn't. She said she teaches other people and she's very generous with her time.
Howard played some music that Simone will be doing with someone else at the concert. Howard said this is how you could torture him. He said he's not sure he could sit through Phillip Glass. Robin said he doesn't just do that. Howard said he does this too. He played another clip. Howard was goofing on the music. He said he saw this ad and thought this is Robin. He said she always has side activities. He asked if he would have to sit through this if he was married to her. Robin said he doesn't have to do anything. She said you don't have to like everything she likes.
Howard was singing the Addams Family theme along with some Phillip Glass music. Robin said he paints at home like people did 400 years ago but he doesn't get this.
Howard said Robin is a good person. He said he would say no to something like this. Robin said maybe he doesn't care about anybody. Howard said that's right.
Robin said this is the music for his funeral. Howard said alright to that. He said this is like out of a horror movie. He still had the Phillip Glass song ''Koyaanisqatsi'' playing.
Howard said this is horrible. Robin said that everyone should listen to what Howard likes. Howard said he likes Eddie Van Halen. He said that he was listening to Sebastian Bach on their Van Halen tribute channel there on SiriusXM. He said he tuned in to hear that on the Deep Tracks channel. He said every time someone dies they throw that channel off and put a tribute channel on. Howard said he learned that Van Halen never had a concert where you could decide how much to pay for tickets. He said that's just for Simone Dinnerstein.
Howard said Nikki will be there and Matteo Lane will be a judge as well. He said he has seen tons of dicks and dick pics. He said that Nikki has seen her share too. He said tons of guys throw them up in her face. Howard said Ralph will be judging too. He said he somehow knows a lot about dicks.
Howard said there was an erect penis on British television after 10 pm. He said they're beating us in that whole thing.
Howard said people are freaking out about Kirstie Alley for saying she's voting for Donald Trump. He read the tweet she sent out. Howard said that he understands that kind of logic. She said that he isn't a politician so that's why she's voting for him. Howard said he wants to go to a doctor who didn't go to medical school. Robin said Trump never held a public office before. She said she wants someone who has never even been in a hospital or knows anything about medicine.
Howard said a lot of people were bashing Kirstie and she got upset about that. He said that she's worried about people calling her nasty names but Trump does that all the time. Howard said when you put out your opinion people are going to respond. He said you can't be shocked by that. Robin said she's suffering from the beautiful woman syndrome. She said she used to be listened to but now people just tell her what they think of her now that she's not that good looking. Howard said he doesn't give a fuck what she thinks about politics. He said he's fascinated by her weight. He said he loves people who lose weight and then blow up to the size of a balloon. He said she's like Oprah.
Robin said that Kirstie said she was just going to embrace it but then she wanted to lose it and be beautiful again. Howard said he wants to know where she is with her weight. He said he loves following Oprah too.
Howard said people get out of control and then they give diet advice. He said that Oprah lost weight and then she put it back on. He said then it comes off and goes back on again. He said he loves people who think they're experts on weight loss but they can't keep it off.
Howard said he's just interested in where Kirstie is on her weight. He said he loves that she's not going to vote for a guy who is a politician. He said that he sees what happens when grey get an outsider in there. He said it ain't great. He said he wants a politician. He said he wants someone who has spent their life in government. Robin said she wants someone who won't make us upset every day. She said it's like being on a TV show with a cliffhanger.
Howard said if he's jerking off he goes into a room alone and covers the camera with a tissue that can later be used to clean up. He said he doesn't make noise either. He said that he learned that when he was growing up. He asked if Robin saw the video of this guy. Robin said she has not. She just heard about it.
Howard asked if she thinks it was a mistake. Robin said she doesn't. She asked how you make a mistake like that.
Howard said the guys were telling him about the Toobin thing and he said he did see it but he asked them to explain. He said he's an MSNBC guy. He said he loves some of the hosts on that channel. He said he likes Joy Reid and a bunch of people on there. He said he loves Mika and Joe. He said they're his favorite. Robin said they're the best and they act like they don't know what the other is thinking. Howard said they act like they're not fucking. Howard said he doesn't know what's happening with them. He said they claim they didn't fuck until they got married or whatever.
Howard said he thinks most women on TV fuck like crazy. He said he has fucked some women who are on TV and you find that they want to perform all the time. He said they love showing their body and they love fucking. He said they might be acting but who cares if they are. Robin asked if he asked if they really like it or if it's a show. Howard said he never asked. He said that he's just happy when someone wants to be naked with him. He said he likes those two together. He said that Joe used to be a republican but now he can't be one because of Trump.
Howard said the guys came on and asked if he heard about Jeffrey Toobin. He said he thought they were talking about the guy who says ''Hey now!'' He said that the guys look up to him so he has to act like he knows. He said that he can't be like Sal and say he doesn't know who that is. He said it was so sad that Sal said he wants to be a dog and not vote. He said it's so sad on 50 levels. He said his parents were probably kinder to dogs than him. He said Sal has a 107 IQ or something. Gary said it's 102. Howard said it's too much thinking to get that brain fired up so he'd rather think like a dog. He said Sal would rather be like a dog than have to think. He said that's so sad.
Howard said Sal doesn't want any kind of responsibility. He said he'd rather be a dog. Robin said that's probably the most shocking thing he's ever said. Howard said he would read stories of prisoners who would get freedom and get out and commit a crime so they could go back to prison because the outside world was too much for them. He said that's an interesting thing. He said that's very sad. He said then his bubble was burst when Sal said he wants to be a dog. He said he wants to have the life of a dog.
Howard said he wasn't the only one who was shocked by that. He said the audience wrote in about it. He read through some of that feedback. He said people wrote in about his ''dime'' stories. He said people were questioning that 102 IQ and thinking it was too high. Howard said that Sal is saying he wants a master to give him commands and let go of all responsibility. He said he wants someone else to decide his life. He said it's very sad.
Howard read more feedback about Sal. He said that it inspired a congressman to write in. He said Brendan F. Boyle wrote in and said that he believed that the country would be much better off if everyone voted. He said that he realized he was wrong when he heard Sal yesterday. He asked that they not let Sal vote.
Howard said one listener thought they were being too hard on Sal. He read that and the woman told a dime story. He said that she found a dime when he was unpacking and knew that her mother was there with her. Robin asked if she can't think of any other reason that a dime would be there.
Howard said the songs about Sal being dumb keep rolling in. He played a song parody about Sal that a woman sent in. They had some dumb comments that Sal made in that song.
Howard said he can't say that he's the dumbest one. He said he didn't know who Jeffrey Toobin was.
Howard took a call from a guy who said with Sal and all of his weird sexual interests, who is more damaged, Sal or Ronnie. Howard said he has to think about that. He thought about that but the caller was giving his thoughts on who is more immature. Howard said he thinks that he's going with Ronnie. Robin said she thinks it's Sal. Howard said he thinks Ronnie has an anger and can go off at any minute for no reason. He said even if it's not against him he will be very volatile. Robin said Sal has no fight left in him though. Howard said he dreams that he has people visiting him in his dreams.
Robin said Ronnie has a very solid relationship. Howard laughed. He said come on. He said they don't know what's going on there. He said she's shoving things up his asshole. Robin said he found the right partner.
Howard said Sal has new siblings showing up even at this age. Howard said this is a tough one. He asked the caller, Jeff, what he thinks. Jeff said he thinks it's Ronnie. He said you can't even talk to him. He said he starts off with lying and then agrees with you and then gets irate. He said he's constantly shoving stuff up his ass too. He said it's a mess. Howard said it's a shit show. He said he might agree with him on Ronnie.
Robin said she thinks that Jeffrey Toobin is 60. She said she can't get off of this story. Howard said the jerking off thing doesn't stop even at 60. He said that he got to bang Beth yesterday. He said that she had to do kitten things yesterday but it was Bang O'clock after that.
Howard said that he told Beth that he hadn't jerked off in a week because he was saving it up for her. He said she thinks he can do both but he can't. He said he needs a day to reload. He said he isn't using Viagra or anything. He said that she wants him to plan it out better.
Howard said the desire is there. He said this Toobin thing he gets. He said that it's not cool that he did it on camera thought. He said you have to go into a room without a camera. Robin said he has a wife and kids. She said he had to apologize to them over this.
Howard said he can imagine what it must be like to have to apologize to the kids. He said he has three daughters and he can imagine what that would be like. Robin said they have a little box in the corner that shows if you're on camera. Howard said he can't imagine he did it on purpose. Robin said she has to know who was in that meeting. She said if you don't want to be in the meeting then turn it off and leave the meeting. Howard said we know that.
Robin said she thinks something was going on. She said that someone had to be pinned on the screen. Howard said maybe it was a jerk off emergency. Howard asked how many kids he has. Robin said he has at least one teenager.
Gary said he didn't know a lot of things about him before all of this. He said he has a 10 year old daughter that's not with his wife. He said he denied it was his kid and had to take a DNA test over it. Gary said he's finding out a lot of crazy shit about this guy now. He said that there's a lot going on there.
Howard said he has Jeffrey Toobin on the phone. He took the call from fake Jeffrey who apologized and jerked off in the middle of the apology. Howard cut that off and said that's enough of that.
Robin said Jeffrey works for CNN and they said that he has asked for some time off because of a personal issue.
Howard said the guy's name is Craig Foster. He said the shark is chasing the octopus and Craig says that he thinks like this is the prime directive and it would be wrong for him to interfere with nature. He said he was thinking that this guy was an asshole for not helping this thing out. Howard said the shark bites off a tentacle. Howard said he and Beth were watching this and thinking that they'd intervene. He said that this octopus has never befriended a human being. He said they don't even intervene with other octopi. He said imagine you train an ant to do circus tricks and as it's auditioning you put it down and the guy in the circus stomps it with his foot. He said you don't do that. He said the octopus must have been pissed. He said just save your buddy. The caller said he was thinking the same thing.
Howard said it's like if an alien came out of space and became your buddy and let you be killed when it could easily save you. He said you'd save your child. He said this octopus was so friendly. He said this guy is saying that it's the natural order of things. He said that no one can see you down there you dick wad. He said that you just save the thing. He said if he was that octopus he wouldn't be this guy's friend.
Howard said the shark eats a tentacle and it almost dies. He said the octopus grew back his tentacle. He said that the guy was talking about how sad he was. He said he could have prevented the whole thing.
Howard said if he was involved with wild animals he'd intervene. He said he has a brain and he can pick favorites. Robin that's like not saving your dog from a mountain lion in the woods. Howard said this dummy thought he was in a Star Trek episode. He said he wants to talk to this guy about that. He was thinking that he should go be friends with the shark instead. He said he's such a fucking cock. Howard said it's ridiculous. He said the whole world is fucked up.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that these nature documentaries are all about how you can't let your emotions get involved. Howard said you can interfere all you want. The caller said you can't do that. He said you can't save every being. Howard said that he shouldn't be making friends with an octopus then. He said he's already broken the rules there. He said it's all bullshit. He said the one thing that octopus learned is that humans are cunts.
The caller said that cats are domesticated. Howard said he has saved feral cats too. He said they save birds too. He said they're not domesticated. Robin said she's sure that the bears being shot right now would ask that they stop interfering. Howard said he has to take a break and get to the prettiest penis contest. He said that they have Matteo Lane coming in and Nikki Glaser too. He said Matteo knows all about cock. He said that they're going to name someone the number 1 best looking penis. Howard thanked Casper mattresses for sponsoring the show today.
Howard said he thinks that Jeffrey Toobin won't jerk off for a month after this. He said that when you get into trouble over something like this you can't even look at your dick. He went to break a short time later.
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Howard asked why this isn't Sia featuring David Guetta. Gary said that he must have done the music. Howard said that she doesn't need him. He said that she wrote it as far as he's concerned.
Howard said never mind that, it's Cocktober. He said that they have to get to the prettiest penis contest. He said it's time for the contest. He played a theme song for the contest.
Howard said they went through a ton of work for this. He said the contestants and judges are all on Zoom. He said this isn't going to be easy. Robin said this is like the Emmys that Jimmy Kimmel hosted. She said this is what they went through for this contest.
Howard introduced Nikki Glaser and saw Ralph instead and thought that she had lost her looks all of a sudden. He said everyone knows Nikki. He said she broke out big in the roasts and she was going to have a huge career. He said then this pandemic happens. He said she got fucked over. Nikki said she did. She said we all did but it was supposed to be her year. She said it was projected to be great. She said she had some TV shows that were going to start in April and everything got canceled. She said she had to move home with her parents in St. Louis. Howard said she has been living there for 8 months.
Howard asked what it was like living with her parents for 8 months. Nikki said she was in her bedroom and had Dave Matthews Band posters on her wall. She said it was just weird. She said her mom was asking her to clean her room and she went back to being a teenager. Howard asked why she had to move home. He said that's a major fucking decision. Nikki said she has been asked that a lot. She said it all went down when she was already with her parents in L.A. She said her parents were already with her and she was scared. She said she had to move back home to feel comfortable for a couple of weeks. She said it just kept going. She said she didn't have a husband so she went home. Howard asked if they're cool. Nikki said they are. She said they're great.
Howard said he heard they smoke weed together. Nikki said that they take edibles. She said they say that they ''got off'' when they get high so it's weird to hear them asking each other if they got off. Nikki said it's a gift that she gets to spend time with her parents and all of that.
Howard asked about having sex at home. He asked how many penises she's seen. Nikki said maybe 16 or 17 that she slept with. She said that she's got zero that she has blown and seen. She said that she'd rather have the guy stick it in than have to taste it. She said she's not one to just kiss either.
Howard asked if she has had guys over. Nikki said that she hasn't had a guy since June of 2019. She said it's been a really long time. She said that the last time she dealt with a penis was in January. She said that when she was offered this she jumped at it. Howard asked if your vagina can seal up if you don't get anything. Nikki said she hopes so. She said she could stand to have it a little tighter. Nikki said she's got some dates lined up soon and it's exciting again. She said her parents were going away and she would sneak this guy in and they'd just watch TV and that was it. She said nothing would happen.
Howard asked how she's going to date during COVID. Nikki said she's not sure what to do. She said that they're going to see saw or something. She said they'll have to stay 6 feet apart and maybe do that on a see saw. She said she went on a hike with a guy last week and she hated that. She said she was afraid of getting Lyme disease. She said she's not sure what to do.
Howard asked if she's meeting guys on apps still. He knows she was on Raya. Nikki said she was. She said she had a great picture on there but she was standing like a bad ass. She said she wasn't getting any matches. She said that her friends told her that no guy wants that. She said that she changed it to a tamer picture and now she's getting so many matches. She said she has to deny who she is and she'll find love.
Howard said you have to act vulnerable and you can find a man. Nikki said she found that men don't like a yappy broad. Robin said she does talk a lot.
Howard asked if she's hooking up with A-listers or B list. Nikki said that she's always holding her breath on who she hearts on there. She said she was hoping this one guy would like her and she was eating humus from a container with her finger at the time. She said that some of them are fans and that's all they are. She said she gets the wrong impression. She said that one guy said that she's the GOAT and she wondered if he's seen her without makeup.
Howard said that she has earned the right to fuck some of these guys. He said that seems like the prize. He said that it's her time to fuck one of these guys. Nikki said she knows. She said these guys are dating younger women. She said she feels like she should be dating someone her age. She said she is open to it. She said that some guys are like sex addicts that see her special and think she's a whore and want her to get them off. She said she's not that way though.
Howard said it's sad she's worked so hard and all these guys want is her to get them off over the computer. Howard asked if she would fuck a 50 or 60 year old. Nikki said sure. She said guys are taking care of themselves now. She said that guys her age are immature. She said that they're dating girls much younger though. She said that she gets it and doesn't blame them.
Howard said she told a story about how she blew bobby Bones. He said that was a great story. He said that a guy like that should marry Nikki. Nikki said she's so glad that she told that story. She said that she got an alert on her phone saying that Bobby Bones is getting married and she was mentioned in the story.
Howard said she should have been able to get him to marry her. He said he's not sure what happened there. Nikki said she doesn't either. She said she must have blown it. Howard said yes she did.
Howard said Nikki is judging the prettiest penis contest today. He said he wants to know what she's looking for in this. Nikki said that she feels like it's one where you just trust it and it has integrity and has an even skin tone. She said she wants it to be smooth and have some veins but not too many. She said that you can tell a lot from a penis. She said she doesn't think biggest is best though. Howard said thank god. Nikki said there are ways around size.
Howard said Nikki once told them about a sex machine that a boyfriend got her. Nikki said she never got to use it. She said it was a thing they were going to do but they never got to it. She said she likes to watch gang bang porn and she feels like a people pleaser. She said that she is always so proud of the girl in the porn and she figures maybe some day she could do that. She said that they talked about it when she was with her ex. She said they talked about getting a fucking machine. She said that he bought one and then they broke up. She said he didn't tell her that he bought it until after they broke up. She said that he still has it. She said maybe some day she'll get to use it if they get back together. She said they had a sex swing. She said that you get to swing back and forth while the guy does all the work. She said she doesn't like to move anyway so it's fun.
Howard said it's crazy out there. Nikki said that she hasn't had sex in so long. Howard asked where you keep a fucking machine. Nikki said maybe in a closet with a towel over it. She said it is pretty big.
Howard asked if balls are a factor at all. Nikki said they are. She said if they're exposed they will be considered. She said too long can be good. She said that she has to think about this. She said they can swing and hit your butt hole and that can feel good. She said she can like that. Nikki said she likes a tight sack aesthetically. Howard said that's why she's a judge. He said she's not afraid to express her thoughts.
Howard asked if she has ever tried to be with a woman. Nikki said she has not. She said her first kisses were with women but that was because there were no boys around. She said her first kiss she was so scared. She said she was going to go to a boy's house but her best friend was over so she told her how bad she was going to be at it and she said just kiss her. She said they had a passionate make out and she told her she was great so that was that. She said that was her first kiss. Howard said that's how he ended up making out with Ralph.
Howard said Nikki is going to be at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick this weekend. He said you can find out more at NikkiGlaser.com. Howard said he's not sure how that works. Nikki said they're outdoors. She said out in the midwest they have clubs that are open but they have less capacity. Howard said it's crazy that some people are going out like that. Nikki said that you're performing for some people who are kind of dumb. She said that's not the case for the people this weekend.
Howard said he heard that Nikki and Matteo went out last night. Nikki said that they did. She said he's one of her favorite comedians. She said that he's so good. Howard got Matteo on and said happy Cocktober to him. He said Matteo has been around the block. He asked how many penises he's seen. Matteo said he's lost count. He said that he's not a huge whore but he has seen probably over 100. He asked if that's a lot. Howard said that's an expert. He asked if he's a top or bottom. Matteo said he'd consider himself a bottom.
Howard asked Matteo about why he has to hide his gay voice from kids. Matteo said when you play games with kids you have to hide it. He said that he's so afraid that kids are going to call him a faggot that he has to change it. He said he was called that name growing up so he changes it. Howard said you don't want to deal with the hassle so he gets it. He asked where that voice comes from. Matteo said it comes from the heavens. He said that in his head he sounds different. He said he will record his set every night and he hears his voice and she's shocked. He said he likes it now though.
Howard asked if he was able to hide his gay voice when he was growing up. Matteo said he did work at Michaels so he fit in. He said that he had a girlfriend at Michaels and he broke up with her in the yarn section. Howard asked if he had a girlfriend. Matteo said that he did but it was like Nikki's dating life now. He said that they would just watch movies.
Howard said that Matteo will be hosting a podcast called Inside the Closet. Matteo said they do that weekly. Howard said he says that he caught COVID. Matteo said he did and it was in early March. He said he got Strep in April and that seemed worse. He said he met this guy who came to the city and he put on the movie Lilo and Stitch and had that playing as they were having sex. He said that COVID was bad but the Strep was worse. He said he got a strep and flu test and he was told to go home and quarantine. He said he lost smell and taste and all of that. Howard asked if he knows where he got it. Matteo said it was with a Brazilian guy he dated briefly. He said that they had sex once and he saw him in Miami. He said that he's positive he got it from him.
Howard asked if his smell and taste have come back. Matteo said everything is back. He said Jif Peanut Butter tastes different now. He said that it tastes like chemicals now. He said that it's very strange. He said he likes Cilantro now. He said it used to taste like soap to him but now he enjoys it. Howard asked about cum and if that has changed. Matteo said it's great until he cums. He said there's a lot going on with cum. He said it's a very timely thing.
Howard asked if he's going to get to bang any celebrities. Matteo said he has talked with some porn stars which is very fun. He said a very famous singer wrote to him on Instagram and he never wrote him back after he tried writing to him. Howard asked if this guy is famous. Matteo said it is a very famous person.
Nikki said that it's strange but there are people who you try to message and they just don't get back to you. Howard asked why that is. Nikki said that you might go on their social media and see they don't dress the way you like or something and you change your mind.
Howard asked Matteo what he's looking for in this contest. Matteo said he's looking for a man who knows how to keep his penis up. He said he wants it to be like a Bonsai plant that Mr. Miagi had in Karate Kid. He said that you have to take care of it. He said anything that looks like his grandma's living room is what he's looking for.
Howard asked if size is important. Matteo said it is. He said anything from 6 to 7.5 is good. He said anything above that he'd have to up his insurance. He said that one guy pulled down his pants and he told him to just stop it. He said he was horrified. He said he had a bag of peanuts just in case.
Howard asked if he has ever had to just walk away from a penis that was too small. Matteo said he did have a guy who was so small that he told the guy he should warn people about it. Howard asked if he had been warned would he have walked away. Matteo said it's very embarrassing to blow a micro penis and hear them moan and groan. He said he could have had a slice of pizza instead.
Nikki said she hasn't had that before. She said that she has heard stories about it thoughts. She said she would give some kind of warning about it. She said that if she had long labia she would warn the guy about it.
Howard asked Matteo if you blow the guy out of being a nice person. Matteo said he was 19 and insecure. He said he figured he could do it. He said that now he thinks that the guy should have a washer and dryer in his apartment if he's going to do that.
Howard said now they move on to Ralph the third judge. He said Ralph claims to be straight but he's always on the phone looking at dick pics with Chris Wilding. He said that they watched the Aaron Carter dick thing together. Howard said in 1996 Ralph took a lie detector test and they found him to be lying about being straight.
Matteo said that the amount of money they have put into finding out if he's straight is out there. Robin said she's looking at the sofa behind Ralph and thinking there's no way he's straight. Ralph said it's not a sofa, it's a chair.
Howard said Matteo's gaydar must have exploded when he saw Ralph. Ralph said it's more fun to not know. Matteo said that they found out in 1996 so they know. Howard asked Nikki what she thinks. Nikki said it's suspicious. She said that she thinks that he's gay but he doesn't even know it. She said that he may not want to admit it. Howard said he's getting pretty old not to know. Ralph said he'll figure it out at 65.
Howard asked Matteo if there are guys who don't know they're gay. Matteo said there are some who deny it but they're in a sun dress. Matteo said that from far away Ralph does look like Liza Minelli after 7 strokes. Matteo did an impression of Liza for Howard.
Howard said Ralph loves to judge things. Ralph said he sees that Robin has a great house and she picked the worst spot in her house to broadcast from. He also said that you can't warn someone about having a small penis or large labia. He said that would turn a guy off if you said that to them. Nikki said she thinks it's nice to give a warning for something crazy going on down there.
Nikki told Howard that she had a friend who had long labia and she was so happy that she had that. She said that grey were so long they were almost on the floor. She said she was very confident though so it was inspiring. Howard said she should put rubber shoes on those things in the shower.
Howard said that she's right about women being fully shaved now and how you used to be able to hide that kind of thing with a bush. Nikki said she hated herself and she'd cry looking at yourself. She said she was getting laser hair removal down there. She said she was six sessions in right when COVID hit. She said that her bush looks like a Koala that survived the bush fires now. Howard said Nikki is in their contest for the longest labia contest next month.
Howard said that talking about ones labia is to liberate us. Robin said you never hear anyone talking about it. Ralph said he doesn't think guys care that much about labia. Howard said he's a man who didn't have a lot of partners. He said this isn't the face of someone who had a lot. He said he never spent 10 seconds thinking about labia. He said if you were with him he was fine with any labia. Nikki said she's so glad to hear that. Howard said he didn't know there was such thing as a long labia.
Howard asked Nikki about how big her labia are. Nikki said that the guy might be fingering her and she's worried about how long it takes to get in there. Ralph asked how much they hang. Nikki said it's almost like a puppy's tongue. Howard said he doesn't care how long they are. He said he'll work his way in there. Ralph asked why the boyfriend still has the fucking machine. Nikki asked what you do with it. She said you can't put it on Ebay.
Howard asked Matteo if he's glad he's gay after hearing all of that. Matteo said he would say that it seems like there's a lot there. He said it might be easier to be gay. Howard asked if he's glad he doesn't have to deal with labia. Matteo said that it does seem like a Little Shop of Horrors kind of thing. Howard said that's pretty harsh. He said this isn't a roast.
Howard said Nikki is smart to put it out there. He said that everyone knows the secret is out. He said that they're going to see some labia. He said if you can't deal with it then get off the list. He said just put it out there that you have big labia.
Howard asked Nikki if Bobby Bones ever went down on her. Nikki said that she feels weird talking about him now that he's engaged. She said that she doesn't think he ever did.
Howard said that Nikki and Matteo are there. He said Ralph is there. He said that he met Ralph because of penis. He said that Ralph was in high school and he called into the show. He said that he was at the Felt Forum doing a show and he wanted to have a penis puppet and Ralph made one for him. Ralph said he was sculpting a giant penis on the dining room table. He said that he'd kind of turn it so she wasn't able to tell what it was. He said that they never spoke of it.
Howard said he was turned on even more by Ralph when he said he'd do his hair and dress him. Matteo said he's so naive. Howard said he really is.
Howard said they have to get down to business. He said they have to get to the penis. Ralph said that he's looking for proportion. He said he has a really nice looking penis himself. He said it has to be trimmed and all of that. Howard asked why it's nice. Ralph said it's nicely proportioned. He said it's just right.
Howard said he's not sure about the rest of you but he's still thinking about Nikki's labia. Nikki said she's okay with that being out there. She said she's 36 and she knows he's going to be rejected. She said she is what she is. Howard said as a man he thinks she's beautiful. He said having some extra beef is no big deal. He said that he wouldn't give her a TV show but he'd have sex with her.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he'd have sex with Nikki in a second. The caller said he'd deep throat her and look her right in the eyes. Nikki said guys like that are too intense. She said that guys who would spend hours down there are too much. Howard did his impression of that caller and talked to Nikki about what he'd do to her. He was talking about putting steak sauce on her labia and eating her out. Nikki said the worst part of that whole thing was the eye contact.
Howard tanked the caller for the call and took another one. The caller said that he just turned 66 and he could take her out like Ronnie and Stephanie. He said he's an Uber driver so he could drive her to the gigs. Howard said that Mark the Bagger fell in love with her last time. He said that everyone is falling for her.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Nikki is really hot. He said that he can't believe that Ralph has seen more dick than she has in the past year.
Howard brought up Sebastian first. He said the judges are going to open up their dick dossiers and they can see who has the nicest one. Howard said Sebastian says he has a big one. Sebastian said he does. He said Ralph looks very tired. Howard said he's not sure where he's going with that but he should be sucking up to the judges and not bashing them.
Howard said that Sebastian says he's so big that his wife can feel it in her stomach when they fuck. Sebastian told Howard he shaves every other week to keep it trimmed. Robin said it is very well kept from what she can see. Matteo agreed. Howard said Sebastian is not gay and has a wife who allows him to have threesomes. Sebastian said she's very loving. Howard asked where they find the women. Sebastian said he brought one home from work. Matteo asked if he has to see her again. Sebastian said he does.
Sebastian said they had a threesome go wrong. He said the woman decided to focus on his wife and they were kissing and 69'ing. He said the woman kind of kicked him out of the bed and they kept going. He said that his wife said that they wouldn't do anything alone but they kept going. He said it pissed him off and they had a big fight about it. He said the next day was his birthday. Howard asked if his wife has long labia. Sebastian said that they're nice and tucked in... like a baby. Robin said they didn't need to hear that last part.
Howard asked Sebastian about why he entered this contest. Sebastian said it would be a huge honor to win. Howard said he claims to have a big vein and a big head. Sebastian said that he does have a big head. Nikki asked if they can look now. Howard said of course. Nikki said there are so many pictures. Howard said he compares it to a Reddi-Whip can. Howard asked Ralph for a score from 1-10. Ralph said that the head is out of proportion. He said he has a thick dick and a small head. He said it's way too thick and too big. Howard said it looks like 5 of his dicks. He asked how big it is. Sebastian said it's about 9.5. Howard said it's very thick. He asked Ralph for his score. Ralph gave him a 6.
Howard asked Nikki for a score. Nikki said that he head is thinner than the bigger part of the shaft so that's throwing her off. She said that it's so big and girthy. Howard asked if she's ever been with a man that big. Nikki said no she hasn't. She said she'd be excited for something like that. She said that would feel like an accomplishment if she took that. Nikki said she has to get a job wherever he works so she can get in the mix. She said the only thing is the head being so small. She gave him a 7.8 score.
Howard asked Matteo to give his score. Matteo said that he has to say that two women kicking him out of bed doesn't bode well for him. He said that there are 3 different Reddi-Whip sizes too. He said he's fascinated by men who take pictures next to household items. He said you know that the Reddi-Whip went right back into the refrigerator. Matteo said that he'd say that he'd give him a 7.5.
Howard moved on to another contestant. He said everyone loves Nikki Glaser and Matteo Lane. He said that some people like Ralph. He said that their next contestant is Chase. Howard asked how he is. Chase said he's good. Howard said he has only been with 4 women and he's a luxury car salesman. He said he claims to have the prettiest penis. Howard asked what he does to take care of this thing. Chase said he just showers and trims it up nice. He said his girlfriend likes it that way. He said she's told him that she likes the way it curves up. Howard asked Chase about having a dildo shoved in his ass by his wife on their first date. Chase said they did that on the first nigh and he wasn't expecting it. He said he was 18 and she was 24. He said she grabbed something and put it up there. He said no but she shushed him and told him to relax. He said he said no more but she kept doing it. He said he ended up liking it. Howard asked if he can take a look at the girlfriend. Chase said she is in the other room.
Howard asked Chase why he says he's gay for pay. The girlfriend made an appearance and Ralph gave her a ''Hey now!'' Howard asked how her labia are. Chase said they are like the roast beef kind but he loves it. He said he likes to munch on it.
Howard asked what her name is. Chase said it's Mariah. Howard said hello to her and said she's very beautiful. Howard asked how she feels about her man being gay for pay. Mariah said even if she liked men that would excite her. She said she would like to see him with guys.
Howard said that Nikki must feel better after hearing the roast beef thing. Nikki said she does. Howard asked Chase about what he does with men. Chase said that it does feel good to have a hard cock inside him. He said it all has to do with the guy having a good heart. Howard asked Matteo what this sounds like to him. Matteo said that straight guys can like having something up their ass. He said that he has a lot of questions and he's not sure if they have time. Howard said go ahead an ask. Matteo said they're not working with size here. He said he must be average at 5.5 or so. Chase said he's about 6.5 or so. Howard said he does the same thing. Matteo said that he could make it look a little nicer. He said he could do bush designs. Howard said this sounds like trouble. He asked for a score. Matteo said he'd give it a 4.5. Howard said he hopes his girlfriend doesn't leave him. He asked Mariah if she would leave him. She said of course not.
Howard asked Nikki for her score. Nikki said that it has a nice texture and color. She said that it has a consistency to it. She said it has a nice sheen. She said there's one photo of it fitting through a chain link fence. She said that's kind of funny. Howard asked what the inspiration was for that. Chase said that his girlfriend took the pictures for promotion for his gay stuff.
Howard asked Mariah why she would do that. Mariah said she just saw a hole and she thought it would be cool to stick it through the hole.
Howard asked Nikki what she thinks the score would be. Nikki said this is a nice penis so she's giving it a 8.2.
Howard asked Ralph what he thinks. Ralph said it's even like Nikki said. He said it's kind of small but much nicer than the last guy. He gave him a 7.5. He gave his girlfriend Mariah an 8.
Howard said that they have to move on to the next contestant. He said this is Rocco and Sasha. He said they're in masks to disguise their faces. Howard talked to Rocco about how he got into the contest. He said that his girlfriend got him in with some of the dick pictures he's sent over the years. Howard said that Sasha is of Indian descent and she feels that Indian penises should be entered. Howard asked her why she think that he has the best penis. Sasha said that she had never been with an Indian guy before Rocco. She said that they have nice dicks for those who are in the know. Howard said he doesn't think they consider them to have big cocks so maybe Nikki would be open to that. Nikki said that it might be exclusively Indian men now. Howard said that many people don't know it but Gandhi was 19 inches.
Howard said that Rocco knew that he had a big one because in his scrubs people would see his penis. Sasha said that she knew about that. She said that the other nurses were able to see his dick.
Howard said he can only imagine what it's like to have a penis like that. He said they have to take a hard look at his pictures. Howard said what a schlong he has. He said he has to say that. He went to Matteo first. He asked what he thinks about this penis. Matteo said it's very straight. He said it reminds him of the Freedom Tower. He said it has good girth and all of that. He said it comes with health care too. He said he's going to give him an 8.
Howard asked Sasha if she had ever been with someone that big before. She said she hadn't. Howard asked how big it is. She said she's guessing that it's like 8. Rocco said he's thinking 7.5. He said he's not sure how to measure it though.
Nikki asked how Sasha's labia are. Rocco said that he felt like her pussy was heroin to him. He said that's what they said in The Wolf of Wall Street. Sasha said that she has some large labia. Howard asked if Nikki feels good about that. Nikki said they never talk about this. Howard asked if Rocco chews on them. Rocco told the guys what he does to Sasha.
Howard asked Nikki what her score is. Nikki said that this penis is so impressive. She said that it's very straight like a foam roller she could work out her shin splints on. She said the head is a different color but she doesn't mind it. She said that it's even toned. She said she's going to give it a 9. Howard said that's a very high score.
Howard said that they have to go to Ralph now. Ralph said the shape is good. He said that the color of it he's not a fan of. He said that he loses some points for that. He said he's giving him a solid 8.
Howard said that they don't know if he has won yet but he's in contention. Howard said that he's sure that Sasha would be happy if he won this. Sasha said she would be. Howard asked if there's any talk of marriage. Sasha said they are on the non marriage tract. Howard said if he wins this contest he might leave her when he gets famous.
Howard said that he just wants to say that the judges are on fire. He said that Nikki is a great judge of penis. He said the same of Matteo Lane. He said then there's Ralph.
Howard said they should get to the scores. He said that Rocco is in the lead and Sebastian is second with Chase in third.
Howard asked Rocco and Sasha if they have had a threesome. Rocco said he has. Howard asked if Sasha is afraid of losing him. She said she's not.
Howard said their final constant is Jeremy. He said he hasn't been with a woman for 2 years. He said his mother caught him masturbating and didn't get mad at him. She told him that he'd make a woman happy some day. Jeremy said that he hasn't been in a relationship in a couple of years. He said he doesn't have much luck with dating. He said his mom caught him once at 15 or 16. He said she walked into the room and ended up making fun of him. He said that she eventually said that he would make a woman happy some day. Howard said he imagines he's hoping to be named prettiest penis because once word gets out then women will be all over him. Jeremy said that would be great.
Howard said that Jeremy has red hair and he thinks that women don't like that. Jeremy said that he's very rare. Howard asked how he knew he had a nice penis. Jeremy said that every girl has told him that he's above average size. He said that he's had women who won't let him inside them because he's too big. He said that they will only blow him. He said one time a girl reached into her purse and started putting lube on his penis before he realized it. He said he was about to have a threesome. Howard said he has never had that before.
Howard said Jeremy thinks that his head is the best feature of his penis. He said that he also read that he likes to take pills to get even harder. Jeremy said that's true. He said he likes to get the pills that make you last longer in bed. Howard said the floor was covered in cat hair in one picture. Jeremy said his cats do shed a lot.
Ralph said this penis is the oddest penis he's ever seen. He said his head looks like a basketball on a pen. He said that it's horrible. He said he's giving it a low score. Jeremy told him to go back to buying Howard's underwear. Ralph said he's giving him a 0.0 score.
Howard said he'll probably make up the points with Matteo. He asked Matteo about what he thinks. Matteo said that he's confused by the photos. He said that it reminds him of Super Mario. He said if he ate that mushroom he'd lose a life. He said he has to give him a 1. Howard said that's a little kinder than Ralph. He asked Jeremy if he's upset about this. Jeremy said that he's fine. He said he doesn't care what a couple of guys think.
Howard moved on to Nikki and asked what she thinks. Nikki said this is not a bad penis. She said that Ralph and Matteo were rough on him. She said that head would feel good inside you. She said it's very pink and looks sun burned. She said the shaft has a hacky sack look to it. She said that she's going to give him a 6.
Howard said Nikki is their Paula Abdul. He said she only sees the good in people. Ralph asked how she can say she would like that in her. He said you wouldn't feel the shaft in there. Nikki said the head feels good.
Howard asked Jeremy if he's okay with that score. Jeremy said he's fine. Howard said Chase came in third. Chase said he was happy to be there. He said he felt like Matteo was kind of harsh on him. Howard said that's what it means to be a judge.
Howard said they have to move on to their runner up Sebastian. He said he had 21.3 points. He said he didn't win but he came close. Sebastian said that it was close. He asked if Robin is going to take the photos home with her. Robin said she's going right to the shredder after this.
Howard said he has to announce that the winner is Rocco. He said that only one penis can be number 1 and it was Rocco. He said that his girlfriend entered him into the contest. He asked Sasha what she thinks. She said that she's glad it's getting the recognition that it deserves. Howard asked if she's going to bang him today because of this. She said she would have done that either way if he had come in first or last.
Howard sang a song to Rocco for his win. He asked how he feels. Rocco said that it was an honor to be on the show and he never felt like he'd achieve this level of notoriety and especially for his penis. Howard told him he should thank the judges. Rocco said to come on the show was kind of terrifying. He said it was great though. Ralph said that's a fantastic disguise and he's sure no one will recognize him. He said it's like Superman and Clark Kent. Howard said from all of them at the contest he has to thank everyone. He said that he has to thank Nikki Glaser for coming on. He gave her some plugs for her appearances that she has coming up. Nikki said she's at the Stress Factory in New Jersey this weekend.
Howard said that Matteo has a podcast and he does stand up. He said he was terrific today. He asked him to give a plug for the podcast. He said it's Inside the Closet with Emma Wilman.
Howard asked Ralph if he has a plug. Ralph said donate to the Joe Biden campaign if you can.
Howard got in more plugs and congratulated Rocco on his win again. Howard wrapped up the contest and went to break.
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Howard came back and said that was a lot of fun. He said it was fun to find out who has the prettiest penis. Robin said there was one that she had never seen before. She said that it was the big mushroom. Howard said she's seen that before.
Howard said the guys were talking about the big labia thing and he's never thought about that. He said that he's never even noticed a woman's vagina. He said he's just glad that you're fucking him so he doesn't think about it. Robin said a lot of women have that problem with every part of their body. She said men are just happy to be there. Howard said he wouldn't know ugly from pretty when it comes to that.
Howard took a call from Apples who said he thought Rocco was his hero. He said he was like an unsung hero. Howard asked why that is. Apples said that he was married for 10 years, twice, and during his marriage his wife would make fun of his dick and he's been single for over a year now and he thinks that some people appreciate it a little more now. Howard let him go after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he doesn't think Nikki has anything to worry about. He said that he's in love with a woman who has an ample amount of labia and there's no issue. Howard said it doesn't matter how much you have, he'll find his way in there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's from Indian descent and he thanks him for having that guy Rocco on today. Howard said he thinks that even Robin is considering having an Indian boyfriend.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Ralph volunteered to look at cock. Howard said they did ask him and he jumped at the chance. He said there was no arm twisting at all.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that made her day today. She said that took her mind off of COVID and politics. She said she never knew there was a concern for labia. She said this was the best show ever.
Howard asked Mariann about her labia. Mariann said she never thought about it. Howard said squat over a mirror.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said he wanted to show Nikki his dick. Howard said he's sure she'd want to see that. Robin asked why he didn't enter. Jeff said he tried to get in but he wasn't able to get through. Howard said he's sorry about that. He said a lot of men entered and wanted that title of prettiest penis.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's been a fan since the 80s and went to his movie premiere. Howard said that was pretty wild. Robin said they had to have 2 because there were so many people. The caller said he disagrees with the labia thing. He said he thinks that a dozen times or more he has had turned down a girl because they had too much labia. He said it wasn't appealing to him. Howard said he doesn't recall ever evaluating a woman's vagina. He said it's irrelevant to him. He said there's so much more to a woman. He asked Gary if he has ever evaluated a woman's vagina. Gary said no. He said this guy must be good looking. He said he doesn't have a choice so he's happy to get in there no matter what it looks like.
Howard said Gary is great. He said he was with a woman who vomited while he was with her sexually and they kept going. Gary said they both kept going.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she hears everyone talking about how it's okay for him to retire but they won't learn lessons like they learned today about Indian cock. She said they'd have no idea about this stuff without him. Howard said he does consider himself a teacher so she's right about that. He said they are all his students. The caller said if Howard retires Sal will end up on the side of the road telling fortunes. Robin said he'll be chasing cars. Howard said he hopes that if he does retire that Sal doesn't get hit by a car on the side of the road.
Howard said he can see it's the end of the show. He said that time flies when you're having fun. He thanked their judges again and gave them some plugs. He ended the show around 10:25am.
Howard started the show talking about how it's time for him to wake up. He said it's one of those mornings. Robin said she didn't get any sleep last night. She said she's very cranky. She said that her brain got a hold of her when she laid down to sleep and it was about the start of the show yesterday. She said they were talking about the Simone Dinnerstein concert. She said Howard can say anything he wants when they're talking but Simone said that she heard her name comes up on the show and she's told that she's a joke on the show. Robin said she told her that they're making fun of her and not Simone. She said that yesterday grey crossed the line. She said that she felt that Howard trivialized her accomplishments and the time and energy that she has cultivated her art. She said she has to correct that now. Robin said she went to Juliard at 16 and she was a child prodigy. She went to London as a young person and she wanted to study this music and keep it alive. She said she has dedicated her whole life to that. She said that she has had number one albums on the Billboard charts. Robin said she doesn't need this show or her to get an audience. Robin said she has her own following.
Robin said that the guy who is putting this concert on is a huge fan of Howard's and of the show. She said that she knows that she and Simone are friends. She said that people like her can't perform because they have closed down every concert hall in the world. She said all of her concerts for a year have been shut down for a year. She said she was supposed to be performing at Columbia university but they shut everything down.
Robin said that Simone works in classrooms with kids and she knows inside and out what music can do. She said she has a student who is an Afghan refugee. She said she did something to find a family to take him in. She said that she found a family for his roommate as well.
Robin told Howard about giving a student a piano that someone passed along to her. She said that she's also gone to Cuba to open doors. She went over what she did down there. Robin said she cares about the world and about people. Howard said alright. Robin said she's a stellar performer. She said that's who he's making fun of.
Howard said what a speech. He asked if she rehearsed this speech while laying in bed. Robin said this is all she heard all night. Howard said that she put him in his place. He said he's a huge fan of her's now. Robin said that he's patronizing her now. Howard asked what it was that upset Robin. Robin said that they were talking about it being a fund raiser. Howard said that wasn't making fun of her. Robin asked if it's a fund raiser when Eddie Van Halen gets on stage. Howard said he wasn't making fun of her.
Howard said he was talking about the ticket prices and how you can pay what you want to pay. He said he wasn't making fun of her. He said that people will pick $10 if they can pay that little. Robin said that Radiohead did something similar and people paid top dollar. Howard said he doesn't believe that.
Howard said he hasn't seen Robin this upset in a long time. Robin said she was upset about Siegfried and Roy. Howard said that's right.
Howard said Robin may not sleep tonight after this. He said he has a story about Simone Dinnerstein that she may not know. Howard said Jason's wife plays the cello. He said that she's a concert level cellist. He said she's a fan of classical music. Jason said she plays on violin and cello. Howard said yesterday he spoke about Simone and Robin to give them a plug. Robin said he never even said when it was. Howard said people can look it up on the internet.
Robin said that he said some comments about her that bothered her. She said he didn't give the date. Howard said it worked because Jason went online and bought tickets. He said Jason got them for his wife. He said he was going to buy the $10 tickets and figured that might be wrong. He said Jason bought the $25 tickets. Jason said he did. Howard said the best part is that he bought 2. He said he bought one for him and one for his wife. He said that they're going to be watching at home though. Howard said Jason is the weirdo, not Simone. Howard said that's a knock against Jason.
Robin said there's a sneer there. She said that she did not sleep because of him. She said he has to apologize to her. Howard said he is sorry about that. Robin asked how her friend gets shrapnel. Howard said she's right there.
Jason said that he's seen people paying the lower amount. He said that he knows how musicians struggle. He said that he has to prop up his wife's music. He said he wouldn't have thought twice about paying $50 for tickets to this concert.
Howard said he thought he was doing a good thing but Robin thinks it's terrible. Jason said poor Howard Stern has to deal with this first thing.
Howard asked who he can goof on. Robin said she's not sure which of Howard's friends are saving the world. Howard said he got a plug in for Robin's latest venture. He said he will no longer talk about her. He said he's done. Robin said that they were talking about if she makes any money. Robin said it's no one's business. She said that some people do things out of love.
Howard said he will delete from the replays any mention of these concerts. Robin said she didn't ask him to say anything. Howard said he'll delete it and they'll never hear it again. Robin said punish her and do whatever he wants. Howard said he wants to take it out. Robin said she got to say who Simone is. She said he can delete this too.
Howard said he has to go to the fans who are charged up over this. Howard took a call from a guy who went off on Robin for whining about this. She said she makes fun of Jimmy and people like that. Robin said she's defending a friend. Robin said that she doesn't make fun of anyone. The caller said they only know who this Simone is because of Howard. Howard said he thought he was doing good but he has to rethink this.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that she didn't take offense to this at all. She said she went online to find out more about it and wasn't able to find anything. She said that Robin is so off today. She said she feels really bad.
Howard said he got attacked. Robin said she stands behind him every day for everything. Howard said he feels kind of bad about this but he's taking it.
Mariann said that no one ever said anything bad about Simone. She said it wasn't a slam. She said that she thought about it too much. Robin said she thought about it from Simone's point. She said she would have been devastated if she heard that on the show for the first time.
Howard said that Robin was making fun of Ralph yesterday. Robin said he was making fun of her curtains.
Gary asked if he can get an apology. He said that he went to Jeff Probst's house and he hurt his feelings too. He said he'd like an apology for upsetting Jeff. Howard said sure he can.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they have to edit the first 17 minutes out of the show and start over. Howard said Robin has to bring these things up because they have a close relationship. The caller said grey should start the show over again. Robin told him to crawl back into his hole.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has never felt so uncomfortable listening to the show. Robin said that life can be uncomfortable. Howard said that he has decided to edit out the first 45 years of this show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this is the year of hypocrisy. He said that Robin jumps on anything the show brings up. Robin said that this was about her career and her life. She said she didn't want to trivialize that.
Howard said from his point of view he brings things up on the show and tries to get some interest in it. He said he was trying to put a spotlight on it. He said that he thinks he's helping Simone when he brings her up. He said he's envious of people who can play piano because he can't play. He said this is what he does on this show. He said he's always promoting Simone because she's Robin's friend.
Howard said he played this on the show once. He said this wasn't to knock her. He said this was to give her a plug. He played a bit they did where they had Robin singing along to some piano music.
Howard said this was a way to get her name out there. Robin said up until yesterday she felt that's what it was. She said yesterday they got too close to criticism of Simone.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that when he makes fun of Simone he keeps him listening. He said if he stops making fun then he's cancelling.
Howard said Jim Meyer is on the phone. He said he's upset and he's the guy who runs this company. He took the call and fake Jim said that he's upset too.
Howard said King of All Blacks is with Robin too. Robin said she must be wrong then. Howard took his call and King said when he was doing that yesterday he didn't think nothing of it. He said then he thought about it and he was dissing Robin in a weird way. He said he felt it and he has to agree with Robin. Howard said that wasn't his intention. He said he didn't mean to diss her. Robin said she's there to speak up for herself. King said grey can joke about stuff on the show and it's funny. He said now he's lumping Robin into it. Howard said he didn't think he was making fun of Simone. King said he didn't. He said he should have given it more respect because it was Robin. Howard said he hears Robin and she's his friend. He said he's so sorry he cost her sleep.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she has to defend Robin. She said she's a good sport about so much. She said that she loves her and she thinks she's the best. She said that if she's upset they should be fine with it. She said she's so articulate and she thought it was amazing. Howard said Robin is much smarter than him so if she's seeing something then he must have done something wrong. He said he does respect her and her intelligence. He said he'll think about it and maybe he'll get it.
Howard said some of the listeners think she was wrong but he thinks she was right. He said so does King of All Blacks. He said he respects Simone's art and intelligence. He said maybe he's secretly jealous of her. He said anyone can do what he does. Robin said that's not true either. She said she would never say that. She said Howard invented what he does and no one else can do it.
Howard said he hosts penis contests. He said he's not doing what Simone is doing. He said that he has to tell you that he's not someone to make fun of that. He said he was walking around with his chest pumped up from that penis contest. He said he felt like the whole world was with him. He said when you compare that to someone who can play concert piano that's nothing. He said he's not that talented. He said he hasn't helped anyone.
Howard said Robin brought him right back down to earth. He said that he does apologize. Robin said she never said anything bad about the penis contest. Howard said he is. He said he wants to be marched trough the streets and whipped. He said he interviewed a guy who wants to be a dog yesterday. Fred played a clip of Sal saying he wants to be a dog.
Howard asked when this concert is. Robin said it's November 15th at 2. Howard said there's nothing funny about that. He said she's right. Howard said Jason just bought a $10,000 ticket to it. He said what a start to the show. He said he feels a little bad now. Robin said he shouldn't feel bad at all. She said she got to say how she's feeling and she hopes he's okay with that. Howard said he is. He said there's nothing funny about an Afghan kid playing piano on a piece of paper. He said for years he used to play drums on his desk and no one came to his rescue. He said he wishes someone had.
Howard said he wants to say something about humor. He said there was a poor boy playing piano on a piece of paper. He asked who would make jokes about that?
Howard said he found a poor Syrian boy who was playing drums with dried feces. He said he took the two pieces of doody and started to drum. He said he read about this poor Afghan boy who wanted to be on radio and used a piece of paper to pretend. He said that he could have stepped in but he didn't. He said that he sees himself through her eyes. He said that he is not a good person.
Robin said that she was going to tell Howard that when Simone plays people listen quietly. She said they don't vomit out in the street after. She said they don't pee in a doorway either.
Howard said when he performs people call and tell him he sucks. He said he reads it on Twitter all day. He said he thinks that people agree with her. Robin said she never said he sucks. Howard said he's going to hell and Robin is going to Heaven. Robin said she doesn't want to go there without him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Robin is taking this the wrong way. He said she may want to apologize to the Olive Garden workers that she insulted yesterday when Howard said she works at Olive Garden. Howard said that was a joke that fell flat. He said that musicians are struggling now and he made a joke about that. Howard asked if she's working there or not. Robin said she is not. Howard said he has no idea where she's working.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Robin knows who she works for. He said he has ripped many of the staff apart. Robin said this wasn't about her. She said it was about Simone. She said that she wasn't there to defend herself.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this isn't helping. Howard said he's never going to talk about this ever again. The caller said there were some funny things said yesterday during the penis contest. Howard said not to belittle what Robin said but he has to move on to other things. He said he has Trump and Biden lined up.
Howard asked if he's still on the shit list. Robin said he's forgiven. Howard said she has a big heart. He said he has always said that about her. Robin said that she didn't think it was malicious. She said that anything can happen on this show. Howard sang a song to Robin about the lesson he learned today. He sang that he crossed a line and that won't happen again. He said that her friend has inspired him to take care of an Afghani child. He said he has decided to open an orphanage in Afghanistan. He was singing all of this to her. He was repeating some of the stuff Robin told him and he said that he's remembering what she said 5-10 minutes ago.
Howard said he has to move on. He said he has plenty to say to her though. He said he has to take a break so he can get to Trump and Biden. He said they'll get to the big debate after that.
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Howard came back and said he loves these guys. He said he didn't always love them. He said he watched that special of theirs and started listening to their music. He said they had them on the show years ago and it wasn't very good. He said he didn't take them seriously but he should have. He said he's kind of bummed out about that. Robin said one of them is dead now. Howard said that's because of cancer.
Howard said that he has to get to this debate. He said he's not sure if Ronnie is decided yet but Trump and Biden feel that he has influence on the public. He said he has over 200,000 twitter followers and they feel if they can win his vote that he carries some weight.
Howard got Ronnie on and said that he could help them out if he can be swayed. Ronnie said he's not sure if they can sway him. He said his mind is not made up yet. He said everything changes every day. Howard said he has to say something serious. He asked if he's doing okay. He said he seems depressed. Ronnie said not really. He said he has a lot on his mind right now. Howard asked if he wants to talk about it. Ronnie said not right now.
Howard asked if he has offended his friends. Ronnie said he's offended many of his friends but they don't give a fuck anymore. Howard asked if he's really undecided. Ronnie said he's undecided about everything. He said he doesn't give a shit if he votes anymore. He said he's feeling like Sal.
Howard said he has a ton of shit going on too. He said he has a lot of bad stuff happening but he's not half as down as Ronnie. Ronnie said he's not down. He said he can't go to sleep at night sometimes. He said there's a lot of crap going on and his head is spinning. He said he's like Robin. Howard said Robin's head spun in just one direction and that was toward him.
Ronnie said last week it wasn't that fun for him. He said that it was good for the show but not for him. He said it's people getting on his case about things. He said there's other shit going on too. He said they all have shit going on.
Howard asked Ronnie Puppet if he's upset too. Ronnie Puppet had a few things to say about how upset he is. He said the fact that he can't draw a clock keeps him up at night.
Howard said he's glad to hear that Robin called Ronnie. He said he doesn't have to call him himself that way. Ronnie said it's like he has a handler. Howard said he called someone and asked if they spoke to Ronnie and that was okay with him. He said that he's a little bit of a piece of shit that way.
Howard said they have to get down to this. He said that the two most important people in the world want to debate and win Ronnie's endorsement. He got fake Donald Trump and Joe Biden on the line.
Fake Trump said he hopes that Howard doesn't speak over him like Chris Wallace. Howard said that he was going to say that he's not going to talk over Donald. Fake Biden said good morning. He said that he'd never back out of speaking to the American public. Trump said they have to get to the meat of this.
Howard asked Trump why he backed out of the debate last week. Trump said he'll only do a Zoom debate if he can look at Robin's titties. He went on a rant about how well he handled COVID and all of that. Biden went off on him about spreading his droplets all over everyone. Trump said he's so cured they say that he's too cured and they're going to give him more. Trump talked about how beautiful his symptoms were.
Howard said he has to interrupt. He said that they're there to win Ronnie's vote. He said Ronnie was decided but now he's undecided again. He said that he does carry a lot of sway with the audience. Trump said that they all know Ronnie is voting for him and he just doesn't want to say it. He said that he is working for Robin who is horny for Biden. Biden said that this man doesn't know who Ronnie is voting for. He said that they can win the elderly dildo lovers vote. He asked him to say he's voting for Biden.
Howard asked if any of this has swayed Ronnie's vote. Ronnie laughed. He said the only thing he's learned is that Ivanka is hot. Trump said she definitely is.
Trump said that he'll deport Jason to Fatfuckistan if Ronnie votes for him. Howard said here's what he's going to do. He said he'd like to give each of them time to try to win Ronnie's endorsement. He gave the microphone over to Biden.
Biden started to talk and Trump interrupted and said he'd deport anyone shorter than him to Mexico. He said he'll make Howard drive him around too. Ronnie said okay to that. He said he'll take that into consideration. He said he did like that Jason thing.
Biden went on to talk about what he can do for Ronnie. He said he can give him health care to help if he gets a prolapsed anus from the dildo use. Ronnie said he's already covered. Trump said that he'll deport Chris Wilding. Ronnie said he doesn't care what he does with Chris.
Biden said that this is American Ronnie and he sees he loves his country as much as anyone. He said he doesn't see blue or red. Trump said he's so red he's known as Red Rocket Ronnie. He said they're going to put 69 stars on the flag and put dildos on there too. He said that no one is going to burn that flag.
Biden said that Trump has refused to condemn white supremacists. He said he can't vote for a second term. He said there won't be anymore bagels if he gets elected again. Ronnie said they need bagels.
Howard asked Biden to give some last words. Biden said he's going to bring civility back to the White House. He said they will be able to yell about women's genitals again in the Zoom Happy Hour if he's in office. Howard had Trump make his final speech. Trump said vote for him and he'll let him sniff Ivanka's used panties. He said he has them right here. He sniffed and told Ronnie what they smell like. Ronnie said he's got his vote if he gives him Kayleigh. Trump said that they have confiscated sex toys at the border and he'll give them all to Ronnie.
Howard let Biden say a few more words to try to convince Ronnie but it wasn't working. Biden said they are real men and they admit to stuff. He said that Trump wouldn't admit to putting a dildo up his ass.
Howard said what a debate. Trump said this was the best one so far. He said the ratings will be through the roof. Howard said both of them have done such a good job. He said that they have made some good points.
Ronnie asked when Kayleigh is getting there. Trump said she can be on the Amtrak in an hour. He said that he needs him locked in. Howard said that he can't force Kayleigh to have sex with Ronnie. Trump asked why not.
Howard said he noticed in the background that Biden has books on his shelf. He said he's not sure if Ronnie likes that. He said Trump doesn't have any books. Trump said he doesn't have time to read. He said no one reads books. Howard asked if Ronnie doesn't like the books. Ronnie said he's not sure what kind of books they are. He said they could be porno. He asked if he works on the Bubba show with the ''here's the deal'' shit. He said that it's all ''here's the deal.'' Biden said it again. Trump said he's 78 years old and after 78 comes 100 so who wants a 100 year old in office?
Howard thanked the candidates for their call today. Robin said if Ronnie changes his vote does he have to say who he's voting for. Howard said he doesn't know. Ronnie said everyone went silent. He said here's the deal. He said like Biden said you have to produce Kayleigh before the election. He said things can change if they don't come through for him.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she was told this was happening and she thought it was real. Howard said it is real. He said that Ronnie is basing his vote on the Kayleigh thing.
Howard said he has to thank Biden and Trump for calling in. He said what a debate this was. He thanked them for not mentioning any of Robin's friends. Trump said she's a wonderful lady the piano player. He called her Nina. Robin said it's Simone. Biden was rambling about what he's going to do about COVID. Trump said don't worry about it, he's already had it.
Howard said he learned a lot today. Ronnie said he did too. Howard asked if he's going to endorse anyone. Ronnie said he's going to wait to see what happens. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said he was reading that Netflix has canceled the series ''Away'' and he's bummed about that. He said it's in the top 10 of their shows. He said he thinks that COVID and the price of doing the show are extraordinary. He said he hopes they reconsider that. He said that he's dying to see them living on Mars. He said they just get there when they end it. He said he was all excited about the show. He said he loved Hillary Swank in it. Robin said their stock took a beating yesterday. She said they didn't hit targets for earnings. Howard said he thinks they don't want him to be happy. He said he wants that show back on.
Howard asked Fred if he has something to say. Fred said he hit a button that he didn't mean to hit. Howard asked how he's doing. Fred said he's good. He said he's sorry that Robin is upset about her friend Simone. Fred said that he thinks that Simone was upset that Robin said she would save him over her. He said that Simone got pushed into the ocean and died and that's what she's upset about. He said he's not used to what Robin said this morning. Howard asked Fred not to turn on his camera accidentally again.
Howard asked if Fred talked about Eddie Van Halen. Fred said he did. Howard asked what he said. Fred said he was a great player. He said he'll leave it at that. He went through what he said when he did talk about him. Howard asked him to turn off his camera now. He said it was good to see him. Fred said that Ronnie has to make a decision soon. He said that he thinks it's kind of lame that he can't decide. He said he should have a fucking opinion about something. He said a lot of what's going on is because of the guy he voted for in 2016. He said that maybe he loves getting people sick and people dying from COVID.
Howard said everyone is on fire this morning. Fred said it kind of pisses him off. He said this is about saving America. He said guys who can't make up their minds like this are the problem. He said that Trump is nothing like them and he got his money from his dad and his dad saved his ass every time. He said no one has a dad like that on this show. He said that Trump is going to make this country go bankrupt. He said we have no relationship with any countries in Europe. He said Trump pisses all over Germany and France. He said he just doesn't get the loyalty to Trump.
Howard asked why it's so difficult for Ronnie. Ronnie asked Fred why he has to tell anyone who he's voting for. Fred asked what the fear is. Ronnie said maybe he's voting for Joe Jorgensen. He asked if he even knows who that is. Fred said he does. Ronnie asked why he has to say who he's voting for. Ronnie said maybe he's not happy with anyone. Fred said then take a stand.
Fred and Ronnie went back and forth with that. Fred said he won't stop talking to Ronnie if he votes for Trump but he doesn't get the loyalty to the guy. He said the fact that he's not saying who he's voting for says a lot. Ronnie said that's bullshit. He was yelling at Fred over that. He said the more you ask the more he won't say.
Howard said Ronnie is an open book about everything but this. He said that's what they're confused by. Howard said there are only two choices and he can't decide. He said Ronnie knows what to do and he talks about rubbing his dick in Stephanie's ass cheeks to get off. Ronnie said he did that last night. He said she's not even on her period.
Howard said Ronnie makes his decisions simply. He said that he has no shame about any decisions but this one. Fred said that Ronnie even goes out and gets bagels when COVID is going on. Ronnie said that's right. Howard said that he sticks things up his ass but his vote is too personal.
Robin said that when he looks at a dildo he knows if he wants to put it in his ass or not. She said that's easy for him. Howard said Fred is very passionate about things. He said that the country feels like a Trump casino to him. He said everything in America is bad right now. He said people are stuck in their homes and out of work. He said people are struggling with the right thing to do. He said people are being ridiculed for wearing masks. He said he thinks Fred is saying that it's time to take a stand. Fred said that's right.
Fred asked why Ronnie joined the air force. Ronnie said he didn't want to go to Vietnam. Fred said that he didn't try to get out of it. He said that he didn't have a dad that could write a letter to the draft board. He asked what he thinks about guys who did that. Ronnie said they were scared of dying for no reason. Fred asked about their friends who had to go and serve in the military who didn't come back. Ronnie didn't answer. Howard said this is a heavy show today.
Howard said that Fred is saying that he should be proud of his vote. He said maybe he's afraid that if he says he's voting for Trump that he'll get attacked by people on the show. Fred said he doesn't know. He said he has friends who voted for Trump and some are still voting for him. He said he doesn't hate the but he hopes they wake up. He said he grew up blue collar and he didn't have anyone go in to take his SATs for him like someone he knows.
Howard said Fred asks about people who pay to have their SATs taken for them. Fred said how about the guy who doesn't pay his taxes or pays off a porn star to stay quiet. He said that Ronnie works his ass off and pays his taxes every day. He said that his dad paid his taxes after working hard every day. He said that this guy thinks he doesn't have to pay taxes and he can do whatever he wants. Howard said that this is something. Robin asked if this is swaying him. Fred said he doubts it.
Ronnie said he's not sure what's true or not. Fred said he has been very respectful of him. Ronnie said he has. Fred said that some people may not handle him the right way. He said he respects Ronnie and he respects Ralph too. Howard said he just wants to know if he respects Ronnie. Fred said he does. Howard said he just wanted to make sure.
Howard said there's a lot going on here. He took a call from a guy who said he just turned on the radio and heard Fred going off. He said he feels bad for Ronnie. Ronnie told him not to feel bad. The caller said that there are people who are educated and they're afraid to give their opinion because they'll be bullied by people like Fred. Fred said he's not bullying. He said he takes it that this guy is a Trump supporter. The caller said that's not the case. He said he thinks he's a moron but we don't have a good option. Fred said you have to pick a side. Howard asked if Ronnie agrees with Fred. Ronnie said no. Fred said it should be people for America, not for Trump. Fred said there are people with Trump flags driving around. He said he doesn't see them doing that around other times of the year. He said it's all about Trump and Trump loves that. He asked what grey have done for America.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he think that Ronnie is going to vote for Biden and he's not saying because he thinks he's afraid of losing his NASCAR friends. Ronnie said that his friends aren't like that. He said that they're not going to stop talking to him because of who he votes for unlike people there.
Howard asked Ronnie to give a list of the staffers he's upset with. Ronnie said he's not going to do that. Howard said Gary thinks he's upset with him. Ronnie said who cares. Gary said he thinks he's on the list. He said that he was texting with him and he's supposed to text him today. Ronnie said he's busy today.
Gary said that he said that he told Ronnie that he'll continue to be his friend even if he votes for Trump. He said that he doesn't think he believes him. Ronnie said that he was never his friend before. He said that if he feels that way then he was never his friend to begin with. He said don't be his friend because they were never his friends. He said he has no more to say about this. He said he's going to sit there and stew about this again for a whole weekend. Ronnie hung up or closed his video window.
Howard said to argue with Fred they have Benjy. Fred said he has no patience for him. Howard said he'll let him talk. Fred said he loves Benjy but he's the ultimate contrarian. He said you say something and he says the opposite. Benjy said he doesn't always disagree. Howard asked Benjy to say what he wants to say.
Ronnie came back but he was muted and yelling at no one. Ronnie got back on and said that Fred said that he loves Benjy ''but'' and there is no but. He said if you love him there is no but. Fred said there is though.
Gary said that Ronnie must love everything about Stephanie then. He said he can't dislike anything. Ronnie said that's the deal around there. He said there's always a but there.
Howard said there's no unconditional love there. Fred said that if there's unconditional love there then why isn't Ronnie married. Ronnie said they are getting married but in due time. Fred asked if that's because he can't read a clock. Ronnie said no. He said they have plans. He said none of them will know about it when he happens.
Howard asked Fred what his thoughts are on Ronnie. Ronnie said this happens every fucking Wednesday. Howard asked if no one from work is invited to the wedding. Ronnie said no. Robin said that she's upset about that. Ronnie asked who cares anymore. He said he doesn't give a shit. Fred asked where it's going to be. Ronnie said he's not going to say. Howard said mark your calendar for 2047 for his wedding.
Gary said Ronnie is the king of ball busting so what's the difference here. Ronnie said this isn't ball busting. He said this is true shit coming out. He said this is the way people feel and this is coming out this week and last week too. He said it's enough.
Gary said that Fred is just upset with his vote. Ronnie said that he doesn't know his fucking vote. Fred said he's just assuming which way he's voting. He said he should be man enough to say who he's voting for. Ronnie said he doesn't have to tell anyone. Ronnie said they're all trying to tell him which way to vote. Fred said he is not.
Benjy asked when Fred last fucked his wife. Fred asked what that has to do with this. Benjy said that's personal information. Howard said they're done with Benjy. Fred said it was two weeks ago. Fred said that Benjy throws his vote away any chance he gets too. Howard said he thinks that Fred thinks that it's the patriotic thing to do to vote right now. Benjy said that used to be the conventional thing. He said people kept it quiet. He said that Ronnie wants to do that and they're not letting him.
Gary said he was against Benjy coming on because of this. He said he's a black hole. Benjy said yeah.
Howard said he doesn't think that Fred was saying that he doesn't like Ronnie. Ronnie said those words never came out but he does. Fred asked who is going to win the election. Ronnie said he doesn't know. Howard said he thinks that Fred is saying that he wishes he'd take a stand as an American. Ronnie said he's heard it. He doesn't have to explain it to him.
Howard said he thinks that he's going to invite Fred to the wedding. Ronnie asked how they know it's going to be a big wedding. Robin said she and Fred don't take up much room so it doesn't need to be good.
Howard said if they get into Benjy it's going to take away from the Fred and Ronnie thing. He said thanks to Benjy and let him go.
Howard said that he wants Ronnie to have a good weekend. Ronnie laughed. He said he'll be like Robin laying on his pillow tonight.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ronnie has to stand his ground. He said keep doing what you're doing. Howard said all he's doing is not giving his opinion after giving his opinion on everything the paste 30 years. Howard asked Fred what he has to say to sum this up. Fred said that everyone should wake up and use some brains and make the right choice and vote. He said don't sit at home. He said go out and vote. He said this is way too important. He said if you're a Trumper then go out and vote too.
Howard said Ronnie is hurt. Ronnie said he's sick of the piling on shit. He said he's sick of it. Gary asked if he's coming to Happy Hour this week. Ronnie said he has shit to do. He said if he's there he's there, if he's not then he's not. He said don't cry if he's not there. He said he's so fucking concerned. Gary said he's still mad at him. Howard said he can hear it. He said he won't even go to Happy Hour. Ronnie said they all have him figured out. Fred said he is pissed. Howard asked who he's not mad at. Ronnie told him to stop it.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she lives on the border of Mexico and they still have the kids in cages thing going on. She said the bottom line is that there have been a lot of abuses with this president. She said it's every day that he does something egregious. She said we're on the verge of losing democracy if this guy wins again.
Gary asked Ronnie if he's aware that there are 545 kids that Trump took away from their parents and they can't find their parents. Ronnie said he's aware of that. Howard said that Ronnie is upset with him about that. Ronnie said that they think he doesn't know what's going on. Gary said he loves Ronnie so call him when he's ready to talk. Howard said everyone loves him but he's reading between the lines.
Howard told Ronnie not to take this so hard. He said they're just having a discussion. He told Ronnie to go have a good weekend. Ronnie said he has to go watch NASCAR.
Howard thanked Gardein for sponsoring the show today. He got in a commercial for them.
Howard said now Gary is upset with Ronnie. Gary said that's right because he can't have a conversation with the guy. He said that he doesn't think he's stupid like Ronnie said he did.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Howard is so right. She said that trump has ruined his life and he's still going that way. Ronnie said he never said he was voting for either one. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said they love that song. He said what a man Rob is. He let that song play for a little bit. He said they're taking a break from the fighting and get to Matthew McConaughey who has written quite a book (Greenlights). Howard said he has lived a life. He said that it's good to see Matthew. He said that's a movie star. Howard asked how he's doing. Matthew said he's relatively good. He said it's been a while since they did this. He said it's been 5, 6 or 7 yeas ago. Howard said he had to get along without him all these years. Matthew said that Howard has been doing quite well without him.
Howard said he could have written a book and been superficial or done something in a meaningful way. He said he's thinking about his winning the Oscar and what a big deal that is. He said that he got up and made a speech and thanked his parents. He said he acknowledged his parents and he thought about what a relationship they must have had. He said when he reads the book he reads that his father abused him. Matthew said no. He said he made it 50 years to where he is now. He said he wouldn't call it abuse at all. He said that he may have gotten what they consider things that you shouldn't get today. He said that he got the belt. He said that they were never injured. He said that the question is why grey got in trouble. He said he earned every one of those things. He said it was saying he hated his brother and for lying. He said those were good reasons to get in trouble. He said that he learned a lesson from that. He said that you can't say you can't do something.
Howard said he doesn't want to knock his dad but would he give his kid an ass whooping. Matthew said no but he's chosen a different way of doing things. He said that his parents were raised in a way tat was even more violent. He said that's how they communicated.
Howard said he describes his parents being so volatile that his father broke her finger 4 times. Matthew said that it wasn't just her putting her finger in his face. He said she would bang her finger on his forehead. He said that she would admit that she instigated all of that. He said she would say she wouldn't change a thing about it. He said it was a different way of doing things. He said that's not how he parents. He said that he and his wife don't want that kind of relationship. He said that he likes a slow moving river with some rapids along the way.
Howard said he describes how he saw his parents make love on the floor after one of their fights. He said this is crazy stuff. Matthew said his parents were married 4 times and divorced 3. He said that this stuff looks abusive but the love was tested the most during those times. He said that the ugly stuff never had a chance of puncturing that.
Howard said maybe it was unintentional but he felt bad for the sweet boy he was. He said he thinks he wrote something profound here. He said maybe this is all subconscious but this shows that this shit was crazy and it can fuck a kid up. He said to see your mom's finger broken and thinking it was love is out there. Matthew said what he said was that those things could never break the love their family had. He said this wasn't abusive. He said that he has stories about things that were loving but maybe not as many. He said he loves telling those stories about the violence. He said it wasn't abusive. He said that he wasn't scarred from it. He said he wanted to run away and his parents packed his stuff and helped him pack. He said he ran off and came right back home.
Howard said he has to bring up this stuff. He said that he used to answer to the name Matt but his parents beat him because he answered to Matt instead of Matthew. Matthew laughed. Howard said he got the shit beaten out of him. Matthew said he don't get the shit beaten out of him. He said he went to the playground and he got slammed to the ground by his mother asking what his name is. He said that he answered to Matt and she told him not to ever answer to that name. He said he was crying and the kids were looking at him. He said he doesn't remember pain from that. He said he remembers that he was given a name for a reason.
Howard asked why that's okay. Matthew said that he doesn't answer to Matt. He said you can call him that but he won't answer to it.
Howard said he once said to his brothers that he hated them. He said that's an emotion a child feels but he got another ass whooping. Matthew said this was at his own birthday party. He said that his mom started the party and he got his butt whooped for saying ''hate.'' He said his parents didn't allow any slack on that. He said you could say shit, fuck or whatever and you'd get soap in your mouth but you can't say hate.
Howard asked why Rooster gets to be called Rooster but he can't be called Matt. Matthew laughed. He said that his brother was a rebel. He said that we all see things differently. He said that he saw things that way and he's not going to change. He said that you can call it abuse but that's not going to change the way he saw things. Matthew said that he never asked his mom to apologize for what they did.
Howard said he read that he put a Cracker Jack tattoo on and he got beaten so bad his ass bled. He said that's really bad in his eyes. He said that he can't imagine that. Matthew laughed at his analysis of this. He said that the tattoo was a friend of his. He said that his friend's dad gave him an ass whooping.
Howard said this book is going to blow your mind. He said he saw pain in this. He said he had fist fights too. He said he had rites of passage with his family. He said that Rooster had a fight and he knocked his father down on the floor. He said that his father gets up and says ''That's my boy!'' Howard said this is crazy stuff. Matthew said it is but it's beautiful. Howard said this is wild life he has led. He said he barely leaves his house but Matthew has seen every crazy thing. He said it's amazing it didn't drive him crazy. Matthew said he just keeps on keeping on.
Matthew said his mother has regrets. He said that she has a list that she writes down but she forgets them after going to sleep. He said she's 88 and she's doing great.
Howard said that Matthew's first rite of passage he flunked. He said he got caught stealing a pizza at 18. He said he thinks he failed it but why. Matthew said he did fail it because his father knew. He said that he asked if he paid for the pizza and you know they know you didn't. Matthew said that he was lying about it and his dad knew. He said he dug a hole with his lies. He said then his dad asked one last time. He said he asked if he knew he was stealing a pizza. Matthew said that he lied again and he got a backhand. He said he went down but not because of the backhand. He said it was because of the lactic acid in his legs. He said that he was being a coward and didn't pass the test. He said he wasn't a man in his eyes and he should have just admitted it. He said if he had admitted it then his dad would have talked to him about it and it would have been over.
Howard said he describes a story in the book about his father turning to him and telling him he can hit him as hard as he can 4 times. Matthew said it was 4 to his 1. He said that his hands felt like Paper Mache. He said that if he would have done that good one his father would have said that was pretty good and it would have been over. He said he wanted him to take the challenge. He said it was the same night that he had lied. He said he saw the pain in his eyes. He said that he knew he was lying about the pizza. He said if he had just given him that one good one he would have been good.
Howard said he feels sad by that story. He said a dad telling you to punch you in the face is harsh. He said that's a hard way to be brought up. Matthew said he doesn't feel that way about it. He said there was a lot of good times too. He said that overrode the bad times. He said that his love was tested. He said Howard wasn't there for all of that.
Howard said he thinks that he's one of the best actors ever. He said that he is amazing in so many of his movies. He said he steals so many scenes. He said he's so great with Leonardo DiCaprio where he's talking about jerking off twice a day to relieve stress. Howard asked if that was a scripted thing. He said go on Google and check out that scene from Wolf of Wall Street. He said it's the greatest thing ever. He asked if it was scripted. Matthew said what he put in that movie was about 3 times longer than what was scripted. He said he worked for 3 weeks based on one line that was written. He said it turned into 3 lines. He said he read that one line and he was wondering who the fuck that was. He said it was written that this was the secret which was cocaine and hookers. He said he started rapping and wrote things down. He said it was Leonardo's idea to put it in. He said he riffed on a bunch of stuff.
Howard said that scene is so great. He said Leonardo is sitting there with his boss and he's there as his boss filling his head with so much shit. He said when he turns to him and asks how much he jerks off and he says 3-4 times a week and he tells him it has to be 2 times a day. He said that was brilliant.
Howard said he's thinking about this book. He said Matthew lives on the edge. He said maybe that's because he had this upbringing where his father put his ass on the line. He said there's a story in the book where he spends the night in a cage with a mountain lion. He asked how that happened. Matthew said he was on peyote. He said he went out on a hike with this shamen. He said that they went back to his house around 10:30 or 11 in the morning. He said he had this cage with the mountain lion in it. He said he was thinking he could get on the same frequency of the mountain lion. He said he lowered his voice and did his thing. He said about 30 minutes goes by and he starts scratching its chin. He said he moved into the cage about 30 minutes later. He said he sat down while this thing is pacing back and forth. He said it moves its way toward him and about 45 minutes later it touches his hand. He said 2 hours later the thing was laying in his lap purring. He said he hung out there for about 3 hours and then got out of there. He said later on the wondered what the fuck he was doing but it worked.
Howard asked if he had any fear that it was going to eat him. Matthew said he did have some fear but he knew that they were communicating at the time. He said it had also been fed so it wasn't starving. He said that he didn't think it was hungry.
Howard said he must have thought the mountain lion was less crazy than his parents so that was okay to try.
Howard said this book is the craziest thing he's ever read. He said he had a story about getting into the ring with a fighter in Africa. Matthew told Howard a story about this group in Africa and he went hiking through there in 1999. He said that word got out that there was a strong white man that was named David. He said that's the name he gave himself. He said that they were interested in this boxing thing that he mentioned he did. He said he gets to a village that he went to after a hike and the people in the village heard about this strong white man. He said there were some guys challenging him so his guide told him they wanted to wrestle him. He said then the two boys ran off. He said there's this guy Michelle who steps up and wants to wrestle him instead. He said that he was the champion of the village. He said this guy points to this area so he sees this big dirt pit. He said that he was telling himself that he has to do this or he'll regret it the rest of his life. He said he walked over to the pit. He said the guy grabs him by the waist and he follows his lead. He said they ended up wrestling and they went on for a few minutes. He said that he's bleeding and sweating and hyper ventilating. He said the other guy is barely sweating. He said the chief tells them to go again. He said they go for another 2 minutes and he gets the guy in a Boston crab. He said that round was a tie. He said Michelle ran off and the crowd cheered his name. He said the next morning the guy walks with him 14 miles with him to the next village and doesn't say a word. He said he goes back 6 years later and the guy who walked him there and back was Michelle.
Howard said this is unbelievable. He said he's afraid to even run into someone he knows on the beach when he goes for a walk. He said Matthew has the world at his fingertips and he's fighting guys in Africa. He said this is unbelievable.
Howard said in the book Matthew earns his father's respect when he steps in and hauls off on a bouncer in a bar who accused him of not paying his bar tab. He said he beat up that bouncer and his dad said that he was going to be okay. Matthew said that he knew the young one was going to be okay after that. He said that was a rite of passage for them.
Howard said that he's no pussy. He said he can fight. Matthew said he doesn't like to fight. Howard asked if he has beat up a lot of people. Matthew said he takes up for the underdog and that's why he fights. He said that he stood up for Ronald Hatley who was called a nerd. He said that he stood up for Betty Rice in 1986 because she was a Gothic girl. He said he got into a fight for a black young man because people were getting on him. He said he was just taking up for underdogs.
Howard said he's like Batman. He said he's such a pussy himself. He asked what it's like to be a real man. Matthew said he doesn't like to fight and he's not looking for them. He said he'd rather have a wrestling match in the middle of Africa just to see what happens.
Howard said he wants to tell people that the reason he was in Africa is because he has wet dreams that are non sexual. He said he imagined himself floating on his back in the Amazon and he came just imagining that. He said that if that happened to him he'd call his shrink but Matthew went to Africa. He figured he should float on his back to find out why that was. Matthew said in early 1992 he woke up from that dream. He said it was a nightmare he was having. He said that it was an 11 second dream. He said that he came from it. He said he woke up wondering what the fuck that was. He said then he gets to 1996 and has the same dream again. He said it's 11 frames and 11 seconds and he came again. He said someone or something is telling him something. He said he had to investigate this.
Matthew said he went to the atlas for Africa and starts looking for the Amazon. He said he finds out that it's in South America. He said he went to Peru and hiked for 28 days and floated the Amazon. He said he had fulfilled the dream. He said it was all great until 1999. He said he had the same dream again. He said that he was in Ireland at the time and he had to chase down that other part of the dream with the African tribesmen on the river. He said he gets in touch with this guy and they go to Africa. He said he went on this trip and they went into all of that and it fulfilled that dream and he's never had it again.
Howard asked if he cleans up the bed or does he have people for that. Matthew said he thinks he was pretty self reliant on that. He said that's not for other people to take care of. Howard said if he had a wet dream like that he'd just jerk off more. He said he takes such risks.
Howard asked if Matthew ever says to himself that he's this famous actor and he could have a cush life and not do these things. He said he could lose his looks or his life if he keeps taking risks like that. Matthew said he doesn't think about that. He said these are character choices that have helped form him. He said that he has things he's always wanted to do in life and he can't curtail the fun that he's having. He said he has to live his life first and the job comes as a byproduct of that.
Howard asked if he's critical of actors in Hollywood because of the way he lives his life. He asked if he sees the people who are caught up in the fame and they just want to see how much pussy they can get. Matthew said that's what some people want. He said there's worse ceilings to have. He said that he has this line in his book that says one man's appetite is another man's indigestion. He said he has had his times where different things satisfied him. He said that he's been a hedonist. He said that's not who he is but he had that experience. He said that's one of the great things about Hollywood. He said there are so many options. He said that you can get lost out there. He said he has said yes to things because he wasn't able to do them before.
Howard said one of the interesting things he did was making the decision to never do romantic comedies again. He said he was being pigeon holed with that. He said that he describes that he got an offer to do a romantic comedy and he turned it down. He said he kept saying no but they offered him $14.5 million to star in this movie. He said this is ballsy because he said no. Howard said that's a lot of money. He said that's a lot of freedom. He said that might be more balls than sleeping with a lion. Matthew said he would say so. He said he was enjoying the romantic comedies but they were the only roles he was being offered. He said it became a thing with him being shirtless on the beach. He said he was getting pigeon holed into that. He said that they weren't offering him the other movies. He said if he can't do what he wants to do then he's stopping what he is doing. He said that he didn't know how long he was going to go without work. He said that he and his wife talked about that. He said for the first 6 months nothing came in but those comedies. He said when he said no to the 14.5 that sent a message to Hollywood. He said nothing came in for the next 14 months. He said his agent said the phone wasn't ringing.
Matthew said 20 months later he was thinking about other careers. He said then someone has a new good idea to put him in a drama. He said that no one had seen him in anything so they wanted him now. He said that all of this stuff came up and it went back to back to back. He said it took 20 months and it was a scary time for him.
Howard said there's no greater drug than being popular in Hollywood. He asked what his agent did. Matthew said he told his agent he wasn't going to do romantic comedies anymore and he said ''fine.'' He said it was very quick so he called him out for that. He said his agent said he works for him and not the people in Hollywood. He said that he had his back.
Howard said that's nice that his agent was thinking of him and not about a paycheck. Howard asked if his parents should have beaten his ass over turning down that $14.5 million. Matthew said his family did ask what he was thinking. He said it was work and they wondered what he was doing. He said they knew that he had made up his mind though. He said they test you to find out if you're being real. He said that they knew.
Howard said one of his favorite things was ''A Time to Kill'' and he wonders what happens when someone like Kevin Spacey has a scandal. Matthew said they didn't remain great friends but he did reach out and they had a wonderful conversation about those allegations. He said that he just wanted to check in and find out what was going on. Howard said he has had friends who were in scandals and he's not sure what to do. Matthew said it's tough in a lot of ways. He said that you can't just white out the good interactions that you had with that person. He said it can illigitimize some people. He said it's a tough tight rope to walk. He said that his experience with Kevin was wonderful. He said he's a very talented actor too.
Howard asked what happens after he does a film and if he feels like they're family. He asked if he can just walk away from it. Matthew said it happens with every film and you become a tight family. He said that you make life long friends and acquaintances. He said you want to talk to them every week but everyone moves on to do other things. He said when you do come across each other it's great to see those people. He said that he has made good friends like Cole Hauser and Woody Harrelson. He said that they stay in contact. He said other people they're just happy to see each other later on in life. He said you leave the set thinking you're going to be hanging out every weekend.
Howard said when he did his movie he was so happy for 4 months. He said that he doesn't talk to those people now. He said that's most of them anyway.
Howard said he figured that Matthew and Jared Leto would be friends for life after Dallas Buyers Club. Matthew said it's very intense for 4 months. He said that's your entire world but then you go off and do other things. He said he and Jared stay in touch but they aren't tight. He said he can call him any time. He said he's not over for Thanksgiving dinner or anything like that though.
Howard said he doesn't feel like he banged his co-stars from his movies. He said so many guys get so tempted. He asked if he made a decision not to shit where you eat. Matthew said that it just organically happened. He said there are people who get married after doing a movie together. He said that when they get married they'll do another movie together and they're not near as good together. He said it's the one where they met that's good.
Howard said he watches Sandra Bullock or Jennifer Garner or someone like that with him and he would be so easily seduced by that. He said that he would fall in love with the second lead in. He said that it's just so tempting. Matthew said it is. He said you are in that world too. He said you're all in the same bubble. He said you see each other in the morning and hang out on the weekends. He said it's easy and natural.
Howard said it's amazing that he avoided that. He said he's sure that some of them were attracted to him. Matthew said he's had certain circumstances where that might have been true. He said they worked things out. He said that they've kept things professional.
Howard asked if it's hard to be a married man in Hollywood. He said it has to be. He said everyone bows down to him. Matthew said that he wrote about Hollywood in his book. He said fame is for rent. He said that his wife and family are non negotiable. He said those things are the things that he has watered in his life and those things grew when he watered them. He said that he has looked at those other things and he doesn't go there. He said that his family is the most important thing in his life.
Howard asked how his wife keeps her sanity in this whole thing. Matthew said they know each other and they're fans of each other. He said they trust each other and believe in each other. He said he might be hard to live with but not because he's famous. He said he obsesses over his work at times. He said he's very professional and so is his wife.
Howard said that after ''A Time to Kill'' comes out he becomes huge. Matthew said it was over one weekend. Howard said he had to figure everything out after that. He said he did something he admires. He said that he checked out and went to a monastery. He said Matthew had to figure out what this fame thing is. He asked why that monastery. Matthew said he knew he needed some kind of walk about for himself. He said he was meeting people and he was getting offers for work. He said he had nothing 3 days before. He said that they all loved him after that movie. He said he found a book where they had these retreats listed. He said that they show you where they are and what they're all about. He said that he read these things and found the place that was right for him.
Matthew said he found this monastery and this guy gave him his cot to sleep on there. He said he wanted to talk to someone there about his scattered mind. He said that he and this Brother Christian went for a walk. He said they walked for 4 hours. He said he confessed for 4 hours to Brother Christian. He said that guy didn't say a word to him. He said they end up back in the chapel and he's summing up. He said he's crying and snot's coming out of his nose. He said for about 15 seconds there's silence. He said he looks up at Brother Christian and he says to him ''Me too.'' He said that's just what he needed to hear. He said that he was able to forgive himself after that. He said you go through tough times and you think you're a sinner but it's the human condition. He said that helped him when he said that to him.
Howard said this guy was out in the desert with him for 4 hours and shut up and listened to him. He said this guy is a remarkable guy. He asked if he stayed in touch. Matthew said he actually did and he married him and his wife. He said he talked to him a week ago. He said his family has been there too. He said the guy is the abbot there now. He said they're beautiful people and they have stayed close.
Howard asked if drugs are important to him or is it something he can take or leave. Matthew said it's take or leave for him. He said he's not really a recreational drug guy. He said he found a guy to do the peyote thing as a spiritual journey. He said he's not a big drug taker. He said he has tried a lot but he doesn't get the residuals of it.
Howard said that there can't be a bigger high than winning an Oscar. He said it must be great to look Christian Bale and Leonardo DiCaprio in the eye and say ''I beat you!'' Matthew said that it was a beautiful night. He laughed at Howard talking like that. He said he has 3 kids and he remembers his kids asking what he won that trophy for. He said it was for the work he did a year and a half before. He said that work he was doing a year and a half ago was awarded by his peers later on.
Howard asked if he thinks he'd let his kids act. Matthew said he would. He said that he had a sense of who he wasn't and who he didn't want to be. He said that you can't really find yourself there. He said that he'd want the kids to know who they are and who they're not before they went out there.
Howard asked if he stopped talking to his mom after she gave a tour of his house to Hard Copy. Matthew said that he didn't talk to her for about 8 years. He said that his mom wasn't the only one on the phone. He said that he'd have conversations and what they talked about would end up in the paper 3 days later. He said she was sharing his personal stories with the paper. He said then he found out about the Hard Copy thing. He said he called her up and asked what she did. He said she told him she didn't think he'd find out. He said they went through a time where they didn't share. He said they talked but he had to watch what he shared.
Howard said that you wish that your mother would be on your side and take all of your considerations. He said that has to be hard to deal with. He said it's tough. Matthew said she became a different person. He said she was still his mom but she was different. He said that no one is perfect. He said that he has forgiven her. He said it wasn't her fault. He said it was a strenuous relationship for 8 years. He said his mother is great. He said it was a tough time when he'd talk to his mother. He said they went through it and got past it.
Matthew asked if Howard changed or did people around him change more. Howard said he went into therapy because he has in him what Matthew has in him. He said he would tell his therapist stories and he'd laugh. He said the therapist would say he doesn't see why they're funny stories. He said that he had to change and open his eyes. He said the strength to cut your mother off for 8 years is a lot of strength. Matthew said she was the one person who he relied on so that was tough. He said he hears Howard. He said the way he sees things and he sees that his eyes light up. He said he's not denying that they were rough and sometimes violent. He said that he has learned a lot from that. He said that he understands what he has been though. He said some things people think is abuse. He said it wasn't to him though. He said to them it wasn't either. He said that's his truth.
Matthew said that we have to have a sense of humor. He said just because you laugh at something doesn't mean you're denying it.
Howard said his book is called Greenlights. He said that's based on the things in Hollywood that are green lit. He said that those are things that he opened himself up to. Matthew said that the red and yellow lights will turn green or reveal their asses in them. He said he wouldn't be talking to Howard if he hadn't gone through the things he went through. He said he got Greenlights from his father's death and things like that. He said there are lessons to be learned from these things. He said there is some sort of green light asset in every red and yellow light.
Howard said his book is unbelievable. He said his dad died fucking his mother. Matthew said that he said that for years that he was going to die that way and damn if he didn't do it. Howard asked if he was inside and dropped dead. Matthew said he never asked. Howard said wake her up and ask now. Howard said he will breathe heavy when he's fucking his wife and he wouldn't mind going out that way. He said he'd be honored to fuck his wife and die. Matthew said what a way to go.
Howard asked what happened when his father died. Matthew said that he heard that she ripped the sheet off of him when they were carrying him out of the house. Howard asked if he had an erection. Matthew said he died when he climaxed. Howard asked his mother called and told them that. Matthew said he should have his mother on the show. Howard said he should. Howard said what a way to go.
Matthew said that his dad woke up frisky at 6:30 in the morning and he had a heart attack and died from that. Howard said at least his dad saw some of his fame. He said he was shooting Dazed and Confused being shot. Matthew said he was alive 5 days into what he started might be a hobby turning into a career. He said everything else before that was a hobby. He said he'd do stuff for a year and move on. He said the acting was that one thing that he kept doing and his dad knew that.
Howard asked if he wrote this book during COVID. Matthew said he started 2 years ago. He said he edited it more during COVID. He said he did a total of 52 days. He said that he edited it for a year or so. Howard said he didn't hold back.
Howard said the one question he didn't answer was if men are afraid to have intercourse with his mother. Matthew said he dares him. Howard said she must be wild in bed if she killed his dad like that. He said this is an unbelievable book. He said he suggests you can relate to him. He said he slept with a fucking lion. He asked if he was high in ''Dazed and Confused.'' Matthew said that there's one scene where Slater handed him a real joint. He said the rest of the time he was straight. He said that he was high in the one scene where he said ''Watch the leather, man!'' He said Slater had made it real in that scene. Howard said he figured he was high the whole time but it was acting.
Howard said he's such a good actor that he's not sure he'd be real with him. He asked if he can be real friends with someone. Matthew said it's not being fake. He said it's just being more of yourself. He said it's retuning it. He said he's recalibrating himself. He said that we have all of these things in us. He said it's just tuning the equalizer. He said it's not deception.
Howard asked if he's playing the lawyer in ''A Time to Kill'' does he got to court to find someone to emulate. Matthew said not at all. He said he has studied people for roles but not for that. He said that he was thinking about things like ''What if this was my daughter.'' He said that's where he went for that role.
Howard said that's a great movie. He said he brought him to tears in that. Matthew said Grisham just wrote another book and it's good. He said that it's a sequel to that. He said he was asked if he would go back to that role. He said that would be interesting to go back to that. He said that could be tasty.
Howard said that he heard that Woody Harrelson was offered that role and John Grisham turned that down. Matthew said that Woody didn't get approved to play Jake and he still gives him shit about that. Howard asked if he just calls and tells him he lost the best role to him and hangs up. Matthew said he does leave him messages like that. Howard said that must be great. Matthew said they laugh their asses off. Robin asked if he ever tells him that he's going to give him a role. Howard said they worked together in True Detective.
Howard said that this book must be a big highlight for him. Matthew said that it is the truest permanent extension of himself that he has ever put out there. Robin asked if he was asked to do this or did he do it on his own. Matthew said he wanted to do it. He said he got a ghost writer and they were going to do a 50 page hard back book and it was going to be an inspirational book. He said that he got pulled off the project so he loaded up his car with steaks and bourbon and went off to write it. He said he came back with what he has there.
Howard said he has a life so he doesn't want to keep him much longer. He said he probably wants to go to bed and have a wet dream. Matthew said he'll take them when he can get them. Howard said it's a great book and he thinks he should get into therapy but he thinks he has it figured out so there you go.
Howard said he wants him to tell his mom he called him Matthew and not Matt so she doesn't have to beat him over that. Howard thanked him for doing this. He said get his book Greenlights and check it out. Howard let Matthew go after that. Howard said that was great.
Howard said Ralph was the third judge and people are convinced he's gay now. Howard read some feedback about that. Howard said someone asked if Ralph is more gay than Matteo Lane.
Howard gave Matthew some more plugs and said he's such a great actor. He said that one of his greatest performances is in ''Wolf of Wall Street.'' He said it's so great. He said it was an honor to have him on the show. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:45am.