Howard started the show with fake Seth Rogen singing ''The Great American Nightmare'' clips. Howard said he's looking over the show rundown about some of the things coming up. He said Medicated Pete is coming in to show Robin his penis. Robin said they finally got to that week. Howard said Pete came in and everyone told him his penis is big and he doesn't believe anyone so he wants to show it to Robin to find out if it's true. Pete will be in tomorrow. Howard said he wants to know if it's big. Howard said he feels like he's seen it. Howard had Robin draw a penis on her calendar so she doesn't forget. They played a song parody about Pete's big cock.
Robin said here is a danger that she could fall in love. Howard said he just wants Robin to tell him if it's big. Howard said Fred is licking his lips in anticipation. Howard said that's tomorrow. He played Sour Shoes as Mad Dog Russo announcing they have Maury Povich coming in today. Howard said Maury did DNA testing on the staff. Robin said she wasn't tested. Howard said they did the guys in the office. Howard said he's not sure if he got tested or not.
Howard said Bobo took a beating from everyone last week. Howard said he told Bobo what he needs to do is take a couple of days to work on a question. He said he told him he has to work on them because he always has one. Howard asked if Robin thinks he's worked on one. Robin said no because he's claimed that he's worked on all of the others.
Howard said Sal really went off on Bobo. Howard played a clip of Sal going off on Bobo about his calls. Howard said Bobo got so upset he wanted to fight Sal. Howard played a message Bobo left about how upset he was and how he crossed the line attacking him. Bobo said the gloves are off and he wants to have a boxing match with him. He said he attacked him and he's a ''Stern Super Extreme Fan.'' He said he doesn't like this Bobo to come out and he locked this away years ago.
Howard had Bobo on the phone and asked if Sal apologized to him. Bobo asked where he heard that from. Howard said he heard it. Bobo said he private messaged him. He didn't want it out there if Sal didn't want it out. Howard asked why he did that. Bobo said Sal thought he was out of the line at the end.
Sal came in and said that he feels he did blow up and didn't handle himself right. He said that he came on strong but he still thinks his calls are redundant. He said he wants to help Bobo out if he can. He said you want to bash your head into the wall with him sometimes.
Howard said Bobo has had 4 full days to think of a question. He said he hopes he has something. Bobo said he thinks what he has could lead to a good discussion. Howard said he thinks Bobo could kick Sal's ass. Sal said he's in good shape and he's 60 years old. Sal said he works out himself and it would be an interesting fight but he doesn't know. Bobo said he thinks he can take Sal. Sal said Bobo is stupid so of course he thinks he can take him.
Howard asked if Bobo would wear his toupee in the fight. Bobo said he would wear it and if he loses he'd take it off for them. Howard said he'd take it off for the fight.
Howard asked Bobo to read his question. He asked what color it is. Bobo said it's green right now. He said he thinks Howard will like it. Sal said he hates him again so lets fight.
Bobo asked Howard if he thinks Gary or Fred would have been successful if they had not hooked up with him. Fred played a bomb dropping sound drop. Howard said he hates to burst his bubble but he has to give him some guidance. Howard asked how many times he's heard him talk about Gary and what his whole life would be like. Bobo said he doesn't remember any and it's hardly ever. Howard said he has talked about that on the show. He said it's a rehash. Robin asked if he understands what a question is. Howard played a song parody about Bobo to the tune of the Mr. Softee theme. Robin said a question is something you don't know the answer to. Howard said he has said it in the past so he's not an extreme fan. Bobo said he guarantees other people have never heard that. Howard said he's done it. He said he's talked about Gary being a complete failure. Gary said he can pull 5 or 10 instances of callers bringing it up.
Howard said maybe Bobo can draw a huge turd next to that question. He played another song parody about Bobo's awful calls.
Howard asked Bobo if he's never heard him talk about Gary like that. Bobo said he wonders what Gary would be doing. Howard said he wouldn't be in show business. He said he wouldn't have gotten a job and he would have ended up working in a store selling vinyl or mopping up at a porn palace or something. Howard said Fred would have been a radio guy and worked in radio. Howard said he's not sure what would have happened to him. He wouldn't have a wife and a daughter though. Sal said ''Yeah, shit head.'' Howard played another song parody about Bobo's calls.
Howard said he has some advice from a fan. Howard read an email someone sent in telling Bobo to take questions from fans to ask. He can pick the best out of the suggestions. Howard said all he does is rehash. Howard said Bobo could collect questions and ask something that the fans want to know. Robin asked Bobo what he thinks about that. Bobo said that's something he can do on Twitter.
Howard said some people do like Bobo. Howard said he has some email from the fans. Bobo said he'd rather ask his own questions. Howard read some of the positive emails they got about Bobo. Howard read through those and some negative stuff too. One guy said he wants to start cutting himself when he hears Bobo on the air.
Howard said someone wants to see a Bobo Embedded show. Robin said they'd have to stop him from staging it though. Howard read more email about Bobo and some people want him off the air forever. Sal asked if this resonates with Bobo at all. Bobo said it does but he told him what he thinks. Howard said someone thinks that Bobo contributes to the show.
Howard asked if Bobo's question is really about Gary and Fred. Bobo said he wants to know what they would be doing if they weren't on the show. Gary said it's been brought up on the show a hundred times. Gary said if he hasn't heard it before he's fucking crazy. Howard said Gary would be a driving instructor and Fred would be a hand model. Howard said Bobo had 5 days to come up with that. Sal said he blew it. Bobo said he has something there that could turn into a bit. Howard played a song parody about his calls sucking.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he'll gladly fight Bobo if Sal doesn't want to do it. Howard asked Bobo if he wants to do that. Bobo asked who he is. Howard said his name is Dave. Bobo asked if the guy knows what Gary would be doing today if he wasn't doing this job. The caller said he's heard them discuss it before. The two of them yelled at each other for a minute.
Howard said Dave's point is that he doest have a question so he doesn't call. Dave said it's stupid to bring the show down every day. Bobo said turn the dial then. Robin thanked him for turning the fans away. Bobo said he listens to the show when callers ask bad questions. Howard asked Bobo when he anticipates another question. Bobo said he has a suggestion for a segment. He asked who he thinks could talk up a record and hit the post spot on. Sal said he doesn't like that. He asked Gary to buy him some boxing gloves because he has to kick this guy's ass.
Howard asked Bobo about a clip he had of him talking about the government hiding aliens in tubes. Bobo said he never said that. Howard played a clip of him saying it. Bobo said he doesn't believe in green men but he doesn't discount the story. Howard asked how he can say he didn't say that. Bobo said it had to do with Area 51. He didn't remember it. Howard said Bobo worked for the government as a mail man. Bobo said he was in the driver training department. Bobo said he believes that they have things hidden at Area 51. Howard said he did say it then. Howard said he thinks he says so much dumb shit that he forgets what he said.
Howard asked Bobo to close the book he has with his questions in it and hit himself on the head. Fred did his Bobo impression and asked Howard if he thinks there is an eclipse somewhere in the world and he was buried in the tube would it be easier to talk to himself, Gary or to Fred. He wonders what Fred would be doing in the tube in Area 51. Howard said he thought Bobo was a mail man. Bobo said back in the day he was but then he worked his way up to be a driving instructor. He said he had to do accident classes and all of that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Howard has to let him call in every day because Fred imitating him is making him laugh so hard he has tears running down his face.
Howard took another call from a guy who said there is no question that Bobo is a key part of the show. He said people just want to be on the air so that's why they're so against him. He asked where they're going to find someone who thinks the world is going to end and believes it. Howard asked if Bobo's family is still angry with him over that. Bobo said his wife does bring it up. He came in there and left the family behind. Howard asked how many kids he has. Bobo said he has 4 all together. Bobo said he knows he abandoned them for the show. Howard asked why he thought the world was ending. Bobo said it was that leader of Korea ''Kim Ung'' or whatever. Howard said there was a Mayan prophecy and Bobo doesn't even remember it. Bobo said it was a guest they had on talking about bunkers and all of that. Howard asked what he did with all of his end of the world stuff he bought. Bobo said he gave it all away when he moved. Bobo said he had military rations and glow sticks among other things.
Howard was about to let Bobo go. Bobo said Sal is an imbecile and he's on the payroll but he's an imbecile and not on the payroll. Robin asked what the point of that is.
Gary said he'll make some of the stuff if they want to try it. Howard had him go through the stuff and find something to make. Gary threw out a bunch of choices and they picked Italian Marinaro and some other stuff. Howard said that Benjy has a new chair with that bucket. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that some people thought it was funny but others thought Ronnie the Robot wasn't so great. Howard went through a bunch of emails about him. Howard said they have a Ronnie the Robot for when Ronnie isn't in the room. Ronnie the Robot said that he's checking to see if he gives a shit. He said no shits found.
Howard had Ronnie the Robot talk about the time he fucked Rosie the Robot. Robin said she's kind of lukewarm on the robot. Ronnie said something about her being lukewarm. Ronnie was telling Robin to pour a sex lube Howard did a commercial for on her clit. Ronnie the Robot was doing a lot more talking than he did last week. Ronnie the Robot said he uses a cock ring and he uses anything he can put on that thing. He said he's going to stick it in Robin's ass. Howard asked if he has ever fucked Siri. Ronnie asked who cares and read some line that didn't make sense. Howard let Ronnie the Robot go and then went to break.
Howard said he doesn't like seeing cock. He said he likes seeing breasts and vagina. Robin asked why he hates looking at a man. Howard said it's not necessary for the story. Howard said this Nazi guy walks in fully naked to fuck his wife. He said he could have come in wearing underwear.
Robin said she was watching network TV where the women have their bras on after having sex. Robin said it takes you right out of it.
The caller asked when Howard last used a public restroom. Howard said he uses them in a restaurant. Howard said it's a real problem for him. He said he has to pee so bad and he'll go in and if there are guys in there he can't pee. The caller said he's tall too and it's tough because you're up higher. Howard said he will go into a stall and he's so tall that everyone knows he's standing in there.
Howard let the caller go and said it's really bad for him. He said he'll go to a diner or something and go to the bathroom and try to go real quick. He said things just close down and he can't pee. Robin asked if he has to wait for them to leave. Howard said sometimes he does. Howard said he imagines that if he had a big penis he wouldn't have a problem. Howard said he's so relieved when he goes and they have a private bathroom that you can close and lock. He said it's such a relief.
Benjy asked Howard if he remembers when that started. Howard said he was very young. Howard said he would go into the city with his father and they'd go out to eat and he'd drink a lot of water or whatever. He said he'd go to a show and he'd wait to pee. Howard said he once went to a place that had a trough in it and he panicked and didn't know what to do. He didn't want people to see his penis. Howard said his penis is so small it barely gets out of his underpants.
Howard said Gary was telling him he's thinking of going to the Oldchella concert. Gary came in and said it would be about $1600 for three nights in the VIP area. He said he's thinking of going. He said it's in October. Howard said he read Bob Lefsetz's column about it. Howard said he wasn't so excited about it. Howard said Bob was talking about how the people who want to see those bands don't want to stand around in a festival. Gary said there is seating there. Howard said that Bob Dylan hasn't been good for a million years. Howard said when he starts singing you don't know what you're going to get. He said he could fuck them all over. Howard said that's probably his attitude. Howard said that Roger Waters might be a drag too. Gary said his son saw him and he heard his show is great. Howard said he wouldn't support him anyway. Gary said that's understood.
Howard said the Rolling Stones are in it and he's not sure why they'd do it. Howard asked what they could be getting paid to be part of that. Gary said he doesn't know. Gary said The Who are top notch right now. He said McCartney is great too. He said he'd like to see Neil Young too. Howard said Bob made the point that he could say fuck you and play 25 new songs instead of his old stuff.
Gary said when he went to see The Who there were a lot of old people there. Gary said he's going to try to go to this Oldchella thing. He said he won't take time off. He said it's during vacation. Howard told Gary to let him know and give him a full report. Gary said he will.
Howard played a clip of Bree talking about having no desire for men. Howard said Charlie Sheen can do this to a woman. Howard said he knows he's done it to women too. Howard played more of Bree talking about what she wants and doesn't want and she doesn't want a guy. She said she has lost all sexual interest in men. Howard said now she gets into it about imagining having a penis. Bree was whispering about it because it's so hard to talk about. Howard said she's freaking out. Howard said this is a new revelation for her.
Howard played more of Bree talking about how she had to imagine to have a dick and she was getting jacked off to cum. She said that's what made her cum. Then she gets into it about transitioning. Bree said she's not a lesbian, she's a straight male. Howard said that's big news if she does that. Howard said she talks a lot for a man. Howard said she'd have to knock all of that off if she becomes a man. Howard said she's whispering because she's at a funeral for her tits.
Howard played more of Bree talking about not messing with her vagina but she would chop off her tits. She said she just wants to be androgynous. Howard did his impression of Bree whispering about Benjy and his tits.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what's going on. Howard whispered as Bree Olson and told him he doesn't wipe his ass well because he's a guy and he doesn't care. He said guys are disgusting. Howard told the caller he used to take baths more but now he's a man and he doesn't wipe. Howard said she also has a bigger cock than Howard Stern already.
Howard said when these girls become dudes they don't go all the way. He said they should have a smelly ass. Robin said she did say she's going to keep her lady parts.
The caller asked about Dr. Keith being on last year saying that these are mental disorders and a mental psychosis. Howard said he doesn't know anything about it. Robin said they just want people to be happy. Howard said go be happy and who cares. The caller kept talking about it so Howard cut him off and said he has to end this.
Robin said she was watching Horace & Pete and Louis C.K. is with a woman who claims that she used to be a man but she was just joking. She was making the point that she shouldn't have to disclose that if she feels like a woman. Robin said that equality is when you don't have to disclose something like that. Howard said whatever. He said that's too heady for him. He said you just tell.
Howard did more of his Bree whispering and said she's going to grow really saggy balls. Howard said he's not sure if his balls are saggy. Howard said he never studied them in the past.
Howard played a clip of them calling Sour. Sour picks up and does a voice acting like it's not him. Sour does his baby voice and makes weird noises. Then he does his Gary ''Noine'' thing a bunch of times in the clip. They asked him about what he did at Roy Rogers and all of that. Sour was doing a weird voice telling the guy about what he did there at Roy Rogers. He kept making odd noises and kept doing different voices. He did his Artie voice and more. The guy interviewing him asked why he was doing it and Sour just acted like it was a normal thing.
Howard said this is why he doesn't work. Howard said the guys told him that Sour had no idea it was them. He said he thought for sure he knew.
Howard played another clip of the guy interviewing Sour and Sour kept making weird noises. Then he started playing music. Robin said ''Oh come on.'' She asked if he really applied for his job. Howard said he did and he thinks he just doesn't want the job. Sour did his Gary impression after that. The manager asked him to stop playing music. Sour kept going.
Howard played more of the audio of Sour doing his thing with the fake manager. Sour kept doing the same crazy shit he does when he calls Howard. He was singing, doing impressions and making weird noises.
Howard said Sour swears he didn't know it was them. Howard played some audio of them asking Sour if he knew. Sour swore he didn't. Howard said that's his real job interview. Howard said they didn't let him cook anything at Roy Rogers. He said he's not sure how he got hired there. Howard said he couldn't believe that clip. Robin said she's thinking of him at the Drive Thru at Roy Rogers singing to customers.
Howard said he would hang out with Ozzy too. He said he'd hang out with whoever wants to hang out with him. Howard said he was close with Rebecca and John Stamos and then they divorced. Howard said Rebecca thought they were closer to John and he didn't hear from her. Howard said he wrote to her and asked why he doesn't hear from her. She thought it was because they picked John. Howard said he loves John but why can't he know her too?
Howard said that something came out that kind of bothered him. He said there was an article on RadarOnline about him ripping Kelly Ripa on air. Howard said he made comments about her on air and in no way did he ''rip'' Kelly Ripa. Howard said he explained what management can do to talent and he talked about how you can't let them get to you and walk off the show. Howard said she should be pissed off that management did this to her. Howard said he would have advised her not to walk off. Howard said that isn't ripping someone. Robin said she thinks they were just looking for a clever headline.
Howard said that what he is offering is solid advice. Howard said he didn't rip anyone. He said that he was coming from a living place with that. Howard said he's been through a lot with management. He said that he never walked off the show. Howard said he understands why she did what she did. Robin said she was emotional. Howard said he would have advised her not to do that though. Howard said she can bring it up on the air but don't walk off. Howard said that's what she had to do 4 days later anyway. Robin said she had to do that because she was missing in action.
Howard said there are times when he does rip someone. He said he did give Roger Waters a good ripping. Howard said the headline is misleading.
The caller said that Howard was mentioned in the NY Times too. Howard said that was in a Trump article. Howard said that they keep using quotes from this show from 15 years ago. Howard said it's kind of weird to him because it was a playful thing back then. Howard said he would just get into the whole thing and go along with it. The caller said they're trying to make Trump look shitty but it makes Howard look shitty. Howard said he doesn't think so. He said it's just weird to him because Trump was just playing along with what they were doing. Howard said they haven't even brought up that Hillary rode the Sybian in 1992. Howard said he felt it was just playful stuff. Howard said there is a way that you can make anything from the show look bad if you take it out of context.
Howard said a caller asked what he would have advised Kelly Ripa. He said he gave his thoughts on that and he didn't rip her. Howard said she should have gone right on the air and called management fucking assholes. Howard said she has fuck you money and she could have done that. Howard said she could have gone on air and talked about what was going on. Robin said they do a lot of things tongue in cheek and they could have handled it like that. Howard said Kelly had a scheduled vacation anyway so she just had to show up for one day to do that.
Howard said they went to a Monster Truck show and asked some people some questions. Howard played a clip of a guy talking about how he named his car the N-word. Howard said he not only named his truck but his wife too. The guy said he's on parole. He said his nicknames for his wife are bitch, nag and other cruel names like that. He said she became a class A bitch when he married her.
Howard said Richard told him that his neighbors had a pet cat named the N-word. Howard asked how you can name your cat or car that word and not think you're racist. Robin said some people don't have that connection to the word and they don't know it's offensive.
Howard played another clip of a guy at the truck show talking about hybrid trucks being gay. He made a joke about hybrid cars driving by and saying ''I'm a fag'' as it drives by. The guy also had some thoughts on abortion.
Howard said Anderson Cooper was on air and said ''Noine''. Howard played that clip and Anderson accidentally started to say ''Noine'' but stopped himself and said ''nine.'' Howard wondered if he's a fan of the show and made a mistake like that.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said he called the operator for a number the other day and the operator asked ''Is this Jeff?'' Fred played a boat horn over him. Howard asked who uses information anymore. Howard said you can look up the number on the web. Jeff said he doesn't know. Howard said either that or you're just lazy. Jeff said he was calling the eye glass place.
Jeff said the guy said he's a big fan. He even said ''Chello.'' Howard said Jeff is competing with Bobo as the shittiest caller of the day. Robin said she thinks Jeff won this time. Howard played a song parody about Jeff and how he should hang up on him.
Howard played a phony phone call phony Arnold Schwarzenegger made to an internet radio show. They went to break after that. As they went to break they played an ass wiping tip from Big Foot and a phony phone call Sal made to a restaurant having Gary play trumpet to place an order.
Howard came back and said that Maury Povich is there. Howard said Maury hosts the Maury show. Howard said he has his 3000th episode coming up. Howard said it's 3000 in syndication. Howard said that's not easy to pull off. Howard asked how long it's been since he was on the show. Maury said he was on at K-Rock. He said he wishes he worked there. Maury said his son in law saw Robin. He said that's Dr. Agus.
Howard said that Maury does a lot of DNA testing on his show. He said that they did some testing with the staff. He said they swabbed a bunch of the guys and they're going to prank Sal. He's not hearing this. Howard said they're going to tell Sal that he's not Italian and he's more Middle Eastern. Howard said in a couple of seconds he's going to tell the staff to listen to this. He said that they'll bring Sal in to talk about his abnormal results. Howard said Sal is going to go nuts because he's so Italian. Howard said that everyone thinks he's Middle Eastern. Howard had the guys bring Sal out.
Howard said Maury has had 3 syndicated shows in a row. Howard asked him about A Current Affair and how long he's been doing TV. Maury said he's been doing it 30 years. He said he had the Maury Povich Show and now Maury. Howard said he wants to talk about the DNA testing that they did. Howard asked if they found anything odd. Maury said everyone tested out normal pretty much. He said they found that most people tested the way they expected. He said that's all but one. He said what they found might be interesting to some. Maury said Sal was a little different than the rest of the staff.
Howard had Sal come in and Maury said that this is 99.9 percent accurate. Sal said he better not be Middle Eastern. Maury said they go through a whole thing on the show and you can go back in your heritage for centuries. Howard said Sal's mother is Italian. Sal said his parents are both from Italy. Maury said that some people might try to coat things over. Maury said that his people are not from Italy. He said they're from Tunisia. He said it's from a cast called the Tauregs who are Middle Eastern. Howard said Sal gets stopped at the airport all the time. Sal said that it's every time.
Maury said that the lowest of the low are called the Eclans and they are the slaves. He said that it goes farther back than that and he's actually Suni. Sal said he doesn't want to hear this. Maury said this doesn't lie. Sal said he wants another test. Howard said that Sal's family believes they are Italian. Howard asked if it's a bad thing. Sal said he is not Middle Eastern. He said that he's not Suni. He said he's 100 percent Italian. Howard asked if it's possible that his parents weren't aware of this. Maury said of course. He said they weren't told by their ancestors. Maury said he is the lowest of the low and the family were slaves.
Howard said he didn't know the results and he knows Sal gets upset by this but who gives a shit. Howard asked why he would care. Sal said he would love to be Polish but this whole Middle Eastern thing is what's wrong. Gary said Sal is the terrorist and Sal is the one calling him one all the time.
Howard said he loves this because it's like Maury's show when people go bonkers. Maury said they run off the stage and run into the back. Sal said he will tell his kids this is a script and he wrote it out. Howard said it's a DNA test. Sal said he doesn't give a shit. Maury said that this stuff doesn't lie. He said that this company has done 10,000 tests and they've never been wrong. Howard said that Sal can still say he's Italian but he's really Middle Eastern. Howard said he's a Suni. Howard asked if they're Muslim. Maury said that ISIS is Suni. He said that Iran is Shia. Sal said he is not Middle Eastern. Maury said the people at the TSA listen to the show so he'll have to identify himself.
Howard said Trump is going to get rid of Sal when he's president. Howard asked why his people don't like the Shiite's. Sal said he has no idea. Howard said everyone knew he was Middle Eastern. Maury said they'll test Sal again if he wants. Sal said he's not Middle Eastern. Maury said it costs $1000 to test. Sal said he is not Middle Eastern. Robin said that Sal will calm down and he'll accept this. Howard said Gary was full Italian, right? Maury said he was. Sal said his tests are fucked up. He said there is no way Gary is 100 percent Italian. He said Gary is closer to wearing a turban than he is.
Howard said he can't waste more of Maury's time. Howard said Sal is Middle Eastern. Sal said his cousin took a test a few weeks ago and she's 25 percent Middle Eastern. He said he thought it was the other side of the family. Sal said he can't be tied to this. Howard said they know that Sal isn't cheering for the terrorists or anything. Howard said Sal has been stopped by so many people thinking he's Middle Eastern. Sal said that he's been offered free coffee at Indian places. He said that he won't be part of that. Maury said now he has to explain it to his in-laws. Howard said he's going to have to explain it to his father too.
Howard said Sal is going to have to change his life. Howard said he's been fooling himself for years. Howard said that he has really uncovered something here. Howard asked Sal if he finds it weird that his neighborhood is Middle Eastern. Howard said it's like he's attracted to it and he's drawn to that neighborhood. Sal said he was drawn there by his salary. Maury said that he probably has a lot of police presence there. Robin asked if he likes Humus. Sal said he does.
Howard said Maury has a nice way of breaking this stuff to people. Maury said the humor is when you prove it to someone and they still don't believe you. Robin said a few weeks from now Sal will be walking around with a prayer rug. Robin said he'll be full Muslim.
Howard said he thinks it's great. Howard asked if Sal thought he was Middle Eastern. Sal said he did question it. He said that doesn't mean he was or is now. Robin said the DNA proves it. Sal said he is American and Italian. He said he isn't Middle Eastern. Maury said there is the way you were raised and there is genetics. Howard said culture can lie but genetics don't lie. Sal said he has to take a break and sit down. Maury said he should go phone home. Howard said he should go face east to Mecca.
Howard told Sal to come back and get on the microphone. Howard said he has to talk him down. Howard had Maury tell Sal it was a bit. Sal asked why they do this to him. Maury said he's never been able to tell anyone that. He said he's never been able to say it's a gag. Sal had to sit down next to Maury. Sal said he's all fucked up from this. He was near tears. Sal said he's so happy he's Italian. Howard said maybe he really is Middle Eastern. Howard said Sal was really bummed. Howard said this is racism in a way.
Howard asked if DNA can prove he's an idiot. Maury said no but a lie detector test could. Howard said the Muslims are saying that was a close call for them. Howard told Sal to get out. Maury laughed and said that was the best.
Howard got back to Maury and talked about how long he's been on the air. Maury said there have been 75 talk shows in the grave since he started in 1991. He said that he's still going. Maury said back then it was Phil Donahue and Oprah and Geraldo. He said the last show, the 3000th, they did the DNA thing. Howard said when he breaks the news to people that they are the father they can go back to that over and over again. Maury said the biggest reaction is when they're not the father. Maury said in the first DNA test show they did he didn't want to know the results until the show was being recorded. Maury said he's with everyone else on when they find out.
Howard asked Maury if they told him they wanted a DNA show would he have done it. Maury said no way. He said they did the DNA shows and they took off pretty quickly. He said if he does DNA, lie detector test and out of control teens then they do that all month for sweeps. He said those are the three themes that hit the mark.
Howard said that other shows have tried to do his show. Maury said it's like people trying to do Howard and Robin. He said that it doesn't work. Maury said he has no idea what it is about his show that works but somehow there is a connection.
Howard said Maury looks the part of the credible anchorman. Howard said he has a certain demeanor and it gives the show credibility. Maury said they think of him as an older uncle or something. He said maybe they think he knows the world better than they do.
Howard asked if he's obsessed with ratings. Maury said not anymore. He said he used to be. He said there is a certain loyalty with the fans. Howard asked if he still likes the notoriety. Maury said if he's on 5 times a week and no one knows who you are then you've got a problem.
Howard asked if they have heavy security on the show when they do the DNA results. Maury said they do have people freak out and throw chairs and stuff. He said it's a pretty serious thing. He said they're finding out if they're the father or not. Maury said he did a Media movie once and he knew every move that the women make when they get upset.
Howard asked if Maury is tired of doing the show. Maury said every story is unique in some way and he loves it. Howard asked when they tape. Maury said they do 5 shows a week for 27 weeks a year or so. He said they tape 2 or 3 for a couple of days a week.
Howard asked who competes with him. Maury said that he's been number 1 since Oprah left the air. He said that Dr. Phil competes with him.
Howard said Maury tapes out of Connecticut. Howard asked what he thought when Geraldo dropped out. Maury said he did that voluntarily. He said Geraldo gave him great advice. He said he told him he has to be in shape and mentally alert. He said he was right. Maury said he wanted to go down another path and do news.
Howard asked how old Maury is. Maury said he's 77. Howard asked if he thinks about retirement at all. Maury said he does but it's so popular that NBC just sold it for 2 more years. Howard said Maury was married to Connie Chung who was a news woman. Maury said she's very happy that she's out of it. He said that she's on some boards and she's writing a book now.
Howard asked Maury about his father who was a sports columnist. Howard said he was a big deal. Maury said he worked in the same building as Howard did back in Washington DC. Howard said his dad was a big deal sports writer and Maury wanted to be a broadcaster. He wanted to do sports. Maury said he did start at WWDC and he did the first 10 o'clock news in 1966. He said he got tired of sports when he asked a coach what was in a big bottle of pills and the guy said ''Are you with us or against us?'' and he said he had to get out of sports.
Howard asked if Maury is still a sports fan. Maury said he is. He plays golf 4 days a week. He said he has a home on Cape Cod and one in Montana so he has his group in both places. Maury said he and George Bush used to play together.
Howard asked Maury about cheating in golf and how that got started. Maury said that you should call it on yourself if you do. He said if you see someone doing it in a tournament you turn them in. He said in social golf you don't play with the person again. He said Bush was very honest and he was very fast. Maury said Bush was in the White House and he once said to him he was on the treadmill watching his show and he asked how he does the show with a straight face. Maury said he asked him how he does the things he had to do as President with a straight face.
Howard asked Maury if he talked politics with Bush. Maury said he never did. He said he'd talk to him about the pistol that was given to him after it was taken off of Saddam Hussein. He said he was very proud of that. Howard asked if he's still in touch with Bush. Maury said he has been invited to play golf in Dallas. He said he stays in contact with him but not all that much.
Maury said that he has a golf trainer that he's been working with for 28 years now. He said his wife bought him lessons and he hasn't stopped. He said his wife thought he was a golf god 28 years ago but now she thinks he's the golf devil. He said any woman who marries a man who is into golf should know about how that can happen. Howard said he played once and it took him 4 hours to get past 3 holes. Maury said certain people get the disease. Howard said it's ridiculous putting that ball into a hole. Howard said if you think about how much time you put into it you could learn to play guitar and become Prince. Howard asked Maury if he's a drinker. Maury said he doesn't play wet.
Howard said that Maury about going to the University of Pennsylvania. Maury said he got in because he had good test scores. He went there for 5 years. He was 1 credit short of graduating. Maury said he asked the dean if he wanted him around another semester to get the credit for gym. He said they ended up waiving it.
Howard said back then you needed a college degree to get a job in TV. Maury said he had jobs all over the country and he would make comments under his breath and he'd get fired. Howard asked where he got fired. Maury said that he got fired in L.A. because the GM was fired after hiring him. He said he had a big problem with management in Chicago. He said they wanted him to go from the evening news back to the afternoon news. He didn't want to do that. He said he was supposed to do the evening news.
Maury said he went to San Francisco and the lead anchorman didn't like him. Howard said imagine that. Maury said that guy might be toes up. He said his Van Amburg. Maury said that guy had done the news for years and years. Maury said that he was told what to wear and things like that at these jobs. He said this is why he went into talk.
Howard asked Maury about how he got into A Current Affair. Maury told Howard how Rupert Murdoch got this idea to do a show on FOX. He said they hired him to do it.
Howard said that Connie used to be a big news woman so did she look down on what he did. Maury said she looked at him and said at least his personality was coming out. He said Don Hewitt's daughter worked with them and he was fascinated by A Current Affair. He said it seeped into every newscast after that. He said it went into all kinds of news programs. He said the stuff they used to put in the trash basket was now their lead story.
Howard said Maury met his wife while they were co-anchoring in Los Angeles. Maury said he was fired so it wasn't a big deal that they got together. Howard said everyone wanted Connie. Howard said he used to see her at NBC. Howard said she was the hottest. Howard said Maury got her. Maury said for now.
Howard said Letterman used to goof on him. Maury said he would call him Murray or Marty and he would never put him on the show. He said that Connie would fill in for guests all the time when they would cancel. He said Letterman thought A Current Affair was trash. He said he still gets that from people to this day.
Howard said now they are celebrating the 3,000th episode of The Maury Show. Robin asked who has the highest number of return trips to the show. Maury said they have one woman who has been on 17 times. He said she has 6 kids and has found the fathers for 3.
Howard said things have gotten politically correct and they can't do the fat baby bit anymore. Maury said that South Park did an unbelievable parody of him on the show. He said that they don't do it anymore.
Howard asked Maury about the transgender thing. Maury said that they could do that. Maury asked what a true transgender is. He asked if they have to go through the full thing. Howard and Robin said no. Howard said he thinks a guy should have tits. Howard said it's so confusing to him. Maury said he's just ''whatever'' with the whole thing. He said the whole bathroom thing is ridiculous.
Howard said the ratings for some shows just aren't there but the DNA testing thing is getting the ratings. Maury said that the other stuff is fine for YouTube but not for TV.
Howard asked if it was true that David Letterman wouldn't talk to him when he was at his Christmas parties. Maury said that is true but his producer Morty would talk to him and he was an intern on his show.
Howard said Maury can say fuck you to people who don't like what he does. Maury said that Fallon and Kimmel do bits about him on their shows but they've never had him on. Howard asked if he would go on. Maury said he would. He said he's not sure if they look down on him. He thinks that Kimmel would have him on. Howard said he must be upset. Maury said he's not. He said Leno used to do stuff with him.
Howard said that Maury calls this reality TV. Maury said he thinks that they were the first realty show out there. Howard said that Maury owns a ranch in Montana. Maury said it's not a ranch but it is a home. Howard asked if he started a newspaper out there. Maury said he did. He said he and his wife did that. He said he's not too involved with it because the kids who are running it are doing a great job.
Robin asked where in Montana he lives because that's where David Letterman works. Maury said that Dave asked Jack Hannah where to live in Montana and Jack told him not to go because it's the worst weather. Dave thought it was great so that's where he went. Maury said he lives next to Jack Hannah but Dave doesn't live near them.
Howard asked Maury about Dave's beard. Maury asked why. He said he thinks Dave might be trying to disappear like Johnny Carson. He said Carson is his hero for disappearing like he did. Maury said he wants to do the same thing when he's done with his show.
Howard asked Maury how much longer he thinks he has doing the show. Maury said he's not sure how much longer he can go. He said do the math. Maury said he has a great son in law who helps him out. He said that Dr. Agus is great. He said all the indications are that he had some outer edges of emphysema but other than that he has no issues. He said he quit smoking 15 years ago.
Howard said Geraldo was on the show recently and said that anyone over the age of 30 who hasn't used Viagra is lying. Maury said he's never had to use it. Howard said he's erect right now. Howard said he had sex with his wife on Saturday night and masturbated on Sunday. Maury said Sundays are a good day for him.
Howard asked if he has had any plastic surgery. Maury said never. He said he had a melanoma removed but he doesn't count that.
Howard said fuck everybody. He said it's fantastic that he's done 3,000 episodes. Howard said it's not 60 minutes but it's a fun talk show. Howard said Maury is still in the game and he' seen them all come and go.
Howard asked Maury what he thinks about the Kelly Ripa thing. Maury said he was quoted. He said that the two divas should get out of their cages and be happy they have an audience. He said that the only problem he had with Kelly was not coming to work. Howard said that's what he was saying too. Maury said he heard that she got that advice from Andy Cohen. Howard said she should have come to him. Howard and Maury agree that she has a contract and she has to show up for work no matter what.
Howard gave Maury some plugs for the 3,000th episode and said it was great to see him again. Maury said it was good to see them too.
Howard asked Maury what he's thinking about this election. Maury said he's just holding his nose and he doesn't know what to do. He said in the New York primary he voted for Bernie Sanders and there is nothing that he agrees with. He said he just seems so honest. Maury said he just needs something to happen between now and November. He said he voted for Obama and Bush twice. He said he was proud of both. He said in this one he hasn't given anyone money.
Howard went to break a short time later. They played Billy Corgan performing ''Tonight, Tonight'' in the Howard Stern Show studio as they were going to break.
Howard said Mother's Day has come and gone. Howard said he sent his mother a nice basket of stuff. He said he didn't do anything with her. Howard said he talked to her leading up to it but not on that day. Howard said it's sometimes hard to track her down because she's busy. Howard said he said to her the other day that she should do some stuff on Tuesday and she said no. Howard said they have a routine that they do and they don't want to break it.
Howard said they asked rich people what mean things their mother did and then they went to poor people and asked. Howard played some answers from rich people who complained about not getting a pair so sneakers they wanted or their mother getting upset when they didn't come home on time. Howard played some of the poor people comments and one guy said his mom said she wished he was never born. Another person said that her mother tried to claw her eyeballs out so she beat the crap out of her. One guy said his mother locked him in a basement for a month until he said he believed in God. Howard said that is real bad parenting. Howard said you don't have to get her a mother's day card after that. Robin said she still expects it though.
Howard said the Jehovah's Witness people put out an anti-gay cartoon. Howard said they're not sure how old it is but it can't be that old. Howard said every fucking religion seems to come out against it. Howard said they went to the expense of making this cartoon to do it. Howard said the mother in the cartoon looks like a model. Howard played some of the audio and the kids were asking mom about people who say that it's fine if people just love one another. The mom says that Jehovah knows what is right and that's why they have marriage for a man and woman.
Howard said that's a good religion. At least you get to watch cartoons. Howard asked who Jehovah is anyway. Benjy said it's god. Howard said he's named Jehovah though. Robin said right, it's Jehovah's witness instead of God's witness. Howard played more audio from the cartoon and goofed on that for a short time.
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston who said George Takei might be abetter judge of cock tomorrow. Howard said Medicated Pete is coming in tomorrow and he'll be showing his cock to Robin. Mark said if it is big it just shows how cruel god is. Howard said that will be happening tomorrow on the show.
Mark said he loves Ronnie the Robot too. Howard said everyone loves him all of a sudden. Robin said he was killer today. Howard said that Robin wondered how he got funny all of a sudden. Howard said tomorrow Robin will look at Pete's dick and tell him if it's really big. Mark told her not to forget about the balls. He said he's going up against Jim Florentine for the big balls thing.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said Howard's judgment on people is right on. She said Pink was talking about Prince and what a dick he was to her. Mariann asked about the Jehovah's Witness thing and why Prince was in that if it was a conflict of interest. Howard said everyone knew he did dicky things. He said he might have been trying to get away from some of that stuff later in life.
Mariann asked Howard about a Flat Ronnie app that's out and she wondered if it's something he knows about. She said she doesn't want to get into trouble over it. Howard said he's just thinking about his lunch right now. He said he's so ready for things to be over. Howard said there's a point in the show when he just wants out.
Robin said she got a look at what some of the old comics are worth now. Howard said his cousin Jack used to paint the covers of comic books. Howard said his name is Jack Adler. Howard said he even developed patents for color methods and things. Howard said Jack would send him comic books when he went to summer camp. Howard said he'd let other kids read them but he kept track of them. Howard said he wanted them in good shape and he'd hide them. Howard said some of them were first editions and some were in Arabic. Howard said they would be worth millions. He said his mother threw them out. Robin said Flash No. 1 is worth $5 million. Howard said he had his tied up in the basement and his mother gave them away. She said ''we'' gave them away. Howard said his feelings were never considered once. He said she thought they were laying around in the filth so they gave them to Robert Tobias or Tobiasen. Howard said he wanted them so they gave them away. Howard said he didn't look at them because they tied them up in bundles. Howard said she didn't let him keep them in his room.
Robin read the values of some other DC comics. Howard said he doesn't get why someone would spend $5 million on a comic book. Howard said you can't read it because you'll ruin it. Robin said maybe Howard's comic books wouldn't be valuable because they'd disintegrate. Howard said if his mother let him keep them in his room they wouldn't. Howard said his mother just gave the stuff away. Howard said she did the same thing with his Halloween candy.
Robin read about Sports Illustrated having a nearly nude Caitlyn Jenner on the cover coming out. Howard said he wants to see that. He said he loves everything Caitlyn. Howard said that Bruce Jenner was a big man. He said that should be interesting. Robin said it is something to look forward to.
Robin read about Ozzy Osbourne and his wife Sharon splitting. Robin said she loves the two of them and loves them as a couple. Howard said he thinks they'll get back together.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard must have a lot of cyber bullies. Howard said he stopped reading Twitter. He said he just reads the people he follows. He said he doesn't read the comments from the fans. He said he wants to read it but there are so many people ragging on him and his family that he can't read it. Howard said he wants to beat the shit out of these people. Howard said he had to stop reading it. The caller asked what he should do because he has bullies who send messages to his boss at work and things like that. He said he makes videos with his friend and these people cause so many problems. He said these people claim to know Howard and Robin. Howard said he and Robin are cyber bullies. Howard said that he has to let him go because he can't hear his whole life story now.
Robin read about the number 7 biggest music earner from touring. Howard said that Prince's Purple Rain is in the top 5. Howard went through the other top 5 songs. He had some of the real songs and some fake Seth Rogen singing some too. Robin said that Luke Bryan is the 7th highest earner in the music business. Robin read about some of the other top earners. Taylor Swift was number 1 by far. Howard said she makes $70 million a year doing that. Howard said she's some catch. Howard wondered why so many guys break up with her. Howard said maybe she smells down below. Howard said he doesn't think he'd care. He said he has been with women who have a stench and he heads for the hills. Howard said he was with a really hot girl and he was kissing her boobs and smelled something. He said he told her he had to go. He said he was out the door. Robin said she doesn't think that's Taylor Swift's problem. Howard said it would be great if you pulled down her pants and she has a 9 inch clit. Either that or her vagina has a tooth. Howard said there has to be celebrities out there with smelly vaginas. He said he's sure Taylor smells great but he wonders who would break up with her. Howard said maybe she has two assholes. He said just imagine her in the doggy position with two assholes. Howard said that's a deal breaker.
Robin read a story about Sinead O'Connor saying some stuff about Arsenio Hall and that's got him all upset. Robin said she's accused Arsenio of supplying Prince with drugs so Arsenio is suing her for $5 million. Robin said Sinead posted on Facebook over the weekend and said she doesn't like Arsenio Hall or drugs killing musicians. Howard said she likes to keep the crazy coming. Robin had some audio of Kate Hudson singing ''Nothing Compares 2 U'' at some party she was at. Fred played Robin singing over that. Howard said she's not that great singing when you don't see her doing it. Howard said you have to watch her doing it.
Robin read a story about Axl Rose doing his first show with AC/DC. Robin had some audio of him doing it. Howard said he thought it sounded good. Robin had another clip of Axl singing ''Shoot to Thrill.'' Howard said Axl wasn't anywhere for 20 years and now he's fronting every band. Howard said he used to date all the hot models back in the day. Howard said now he's back with Guns N' Roses and in AC/DC. Howard said he's joining One Direction next.
Robin asked if Howard is a sufferer of social anxiety. Howard said he is. Robin said they say now that research has found how to defeat anxiety. Howard said he has to put on extra deodorant to make sure he doesn't stink up a place. Howard said he loves going out to dinner with Beth and just Beth. Robin said getting out and doing something active is better for overcoming anxiety than just sitting around is. Robin had some audio of a doctor talking about that.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked why they don't get Taylor Swift on the show. She lives in New York. Howard said he's sure they've tried. Howard said he's not sure why she hasn't been on. Gary said he has tried. He said she's a very busy woman. The caller said they should try again. Howard said he did see her at a Knick game and gave her a nod but that was about it.
Howard said Jon Hein met her back stage once. Jon came in and said that they went to a concert with his daughters and Taylor's mother saw his kids with a book they wanted to give her. He said after the concert they bring you back stage and she comes in and hangs with the fans for about 20 minutes. Jon said there is a picture of his kids and him in the picture with her. Jon said he knows some of the words to her songs. Fred played ''Shake it Off.'' Jon said he knows the older stuff better. Jon sang a little bit of it but Howard said that's enough. He wanted Jon to sing something older but Jon wasn't able to come up with something fast enough so Howard gave up.
Robin asked Howard if he feels he's mentally ill. Howard said he doesn't think so. Robin said that this is mental illness awareness month so there are people talking about it. Howard said he heard 3 illness commercials in a row and he almost got into that OCD thing but he was able to stop it. Howard said he isn't severely mentally ill. Howard said he really doesn't think he's mentally ill. Howard said he chooses to not be mentally ill. Howard did a live commercial read a short time later.
Robin read some news about Donald Trump and had some audio of him talking about Paul Ryan and some other things.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loved the Maury interview. Howard said he's trying to get the message he said at the start. He said ''I love the smell of old wood and young boys.'' He said that he thought that was Howard's mantra when he was filming Private Parts. Howard said he has no idea what he's talking about. He had to hang up on that guy.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she doesn't think Howard is mentally ill at all. Howard said he's not a stark raving mad guy. Howard asked the woman about her name which was something like Kilani. She said the name is Hawaiian. She said her mom is white and her dad is black. Howard said it is an unusual name. Howard said it's kind of like Scientific Maps. Howard let her go and did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read some news about Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Robin had some clips for Howard to play.
Robin read a story about the Invictus games and how Prince Harry was there in Florida. Robin had some audio of him speaking at the event. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a study that was done that found that most people don't care about transgender bathroom use.
Robin read about E-cigarettes and how Chuck Schumer is warning people about them exploding and bursting into flames. Robin said that he's saying these devices are ticking time bombs. Robin said that children are being poisoned by them as well.
Robin read a story about Mother's Day and the Mother's Day walk over the Brooklyn Bridge that raises awareness for domestic violence. Robin had some audio clips from people who were in the walk.
Howard took a call from a guy who said 7 years ago on Mother's day his family disowned him. He said that they had a problem with his wife and they were passive aggressive toward her. He said they told him he had to choose between them and his wife. He said that he was told he was a loser and he never accomplished anything. He said he's been married for 32 years. Howard asked what his dad did for a living. The guy said he worked for a company that sold building materials. Howard asked why he's a loser. The caller said his father was just a narcissistic jerk. He said he has some acquaintances that told him to lighten up. He said he was left out of the will but his kids were going to get something but then they took the kids out too. He said his parents weren't poor but it wasn't millions. Howard said he wonders who got the money instead. The caller said his brother did. Howard let that guy go and said it sounds like his parents were right up there with Robin's.
Robin read a story about universal health care and what the Pope has said about it. Robin said he's all for it.
Robin read about how Captain America: Civil War did at the box office this weekend. Robin said it was number one and pulled in $171 million.
Robin read a story about one person winning the Powerball jackpot. Robin said that person hasn't come forward yet. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Jon said their guest today is Steve Hofstetter. Jon said they have a lot to talk about today. He brought up Maury Povich and how they scammed Sal today. Jon said Sal's reaction was so great. He said Maury did a great job selling it.
Jon said Sal also apologized to Bobo toady. He said that this is a classic Sal move. He said he will always apologize if he thinks he went too far. Gary said that Sal is very affected by social media. He is worried about what people think. Jon said he thinks it's almost worse if he apologizes.
Steve said he's had people say horrible things and they apologize but it's not a real apology. Jon said if it sounds like you're reading it off a card then it's not so great sounding. Jon played a clip of Sal freaking out over the bit they did today. Jon asked Gary if he would get that upset if he found out he was Middle Eastern. Gary said no. Gary said Sal could say he feels Italian and doesn't feel like he's Suni and not freak out.
Jon said Gary got hit with some shrapnel today. Gary said he wasn't sure why he went after him like that. Jon took a call from a guy who said he wants to say that Sal and Bobo are the two most insecure people he knows. He said that they both need to be validated by the show. He said they're just so insecure. Gary said Sal needs Howard's validation less now than he did 10 years ago but he does still need daddy's love. Steve said they should call him Salim from now on. Tell him that Sal isn't short for Salvatore.
Rahsaan asked if they think the boxing match could happen. Jon said he thinks so. Gary said he thinks Bobo looks good for a guy his age. Jon said he thinks that Sal isn't really a fighter. Steve said it would be like watching a game of pool where no one knocks a ball in. They went to break a short time later.
Jon asked Gary about going to Oldchella since he talked about that with Howard today. Gary said he'd like to see some of the bands playing. He said he's seen some of them in the past few years but he'd like to see them again. Jon said that he might want to see them now while they're still around. Gary said someone said some of them might not even make it until October.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they found any of the questions that Bobo has asked about before. Jon said they're on it and they will find out what's what.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he has yelled out ''Baba Booey'' at golf tournaments. He said he thinks Howard has played an excerpt. He said one guy went off on him at a game but most people don't care. He said some chicks laugh about it.
Gary talked about how great it was when Sal told Howard to cut the whole thing out of the replay today. He said he pointed to Howard and told him he wanted it out of the replay. He said it was so real. Steve said now Sal is going to open an Italian restaurant to prove how Italian he is.
Steve said he thought he was Austrian so when he was in Austria he went to visit and he found out when he was there he was actually Ukrainian. He said that he thought it was cool to be Austrian but then he found out. He said he didn't get upset like Sal did because he's an adult.
Jon brought up Maury Povich and how he talked about getting divorced because of golf. He said it does take a lot of time to play. Gary said he plays once in a while. He said that he'll be asked to play on a Saturday and he can do so many things in the time it takes to play a game. He said that it can be 5-6 hours to play a game. Gary said he'll play 9 holes but that's about it. Rahsaan asked how many times he gets Baba Booey'd while he plays. Gary said only his friends do that.
Jon said Maury was talking about how he gets a lot of crap for the content of his show. Gary said it's a job for him and it's not just a calling. He said that once he's done you'll never see him again.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks Bobo is great. He said he thinks he has a purpose on the show and he enjoys the hell out of it when he's on. He said it's great to hear him trying to pronounce words and stuff. Jon said he's glad he brought that up. Jon said more and more people have been bringing it up. Gary said that Bobo is dopey and they don't need to make it more than that. They spent a little more time talking about that and then went to break.
Jon said they had that Jim Bakker bucket of food. Gary said it's 50 pounds of food in a bucket. He said it's all freeze dried. He said they made one thing called chicken porridge and most of them you have to put over a skillet. He said that's a pain in the ass if you're in the forest and don't have a skillet. Gary said he doesn't care what kind of food it is. He said he'd just want food. Jon said it's not a good sign to survive if you can't do it. Gary said he needs firewood and a flint to survive. Steve said he has a skillet in the green room right now. Steve said if everything goes to hell just kill him.
Gary said if you do survive you'll last 40 days longer with the bucket of food. Jon said Bobo has glow sticks. Steve said that's right, zombies hate raves.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she thinks that Bobo and Sal have this desperation that they can't hide but Benjy is the biggest one who needs Howard's attention. She said he can't hide it at all. Gary said Benjy has been acting normal lately and it's not that interesting. Jon said he's not as entertaining for a lot of people's sake. Jon said he doesn't think he's the worst. Jon said everyone who works there wants Howard's attention in some way. Gary said Howard is the god or the entity as Sal has called him. Gary said it's a very good feeling to come up with an idea that Howard uses on the air. He said once you get that once you want it more. He said on air time is like crack to the Wack Pack but it's the same for them too.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Maury pronounced his dad's last name as ''Povik'' and he thinks all of them have it wrong. Gary asked where he's heard that said before. They spent a little time talking about that and moved on.
Jon wrapped up and had Rahsaan give them a rundown of what they have coming up today on Sternthology. They got in some plugs and ended the show around 11:55am.
Howard started the show talking about Chris Cornell and how awesome he is. Howard said he picked up his axe the other day. He said that's slang for guitar. He said he chopped down a tree with it. He forgot it was a guitar.
Howard said Rob Zombie came out with a new single. He had Robin singing along to ''The Great American Nightmare'' and then JD and Mariann from Brooklyn singing it.
Howard had the cleaning lady who cleaned up Beetlejuice's shit announcing their guests for today. They have Meghan Trainor and Medicated Pete and his penis coming in today. Robin didn't recognize the voice so Howard had to fill her in.
Howard said Pete is there and he has done some great work for them over the years. Howard said a month ago he did some St. Patrick's Day stuff. Howard said he should play some of that for Robin. Howard played an intro for Medicated Pete and his big fat cock. Pete came in after that.
When Pete came in he asked what's up so Howard kept saying ''what'' to Pete and Pete would repeat after him. Howard said he should call him Medicated Parrot. Howard said before they get to the penis stuff he's going to play some of his interview skills. Howard said Pete was out on St. Patrick's day. Howard said Pete went to a bar and interviewed some people. Howard said one chick grabs the microphone from him and starts yelling into it. Howard played the clip and the woman did that within a second or so. The drunk people were yelling about Donald Trump and the girl was screaming about getting pussy.
Howard said these are the most pick-upable women on the planet and Pete couldn't get any. Howard said every one of them was hammered and they wouldn't even look at Pete. Howard said he got shut down. Pete said they wouldn't even look.
Howard played a clip of Pete talking to a girl asking what his best feature is. She said he has nice eyes. He asked for a kiss and the girl says she has a boyfriend. Pete asked what she thinks about that day. That's the kind of questions he was asking. Pete said he had a list of questions. Howard said he ignored them all though.
Howard said in the next clip Pete is at the bar and he realizes that they're so hammered that they might make out with him. Howard said he asked if they would do that. Howard said he tells one girl he has a big dick. Howard played that and the girls started chanting ''show your dick'' and told him to whip it out. Pete didn't do it because there was a cop there.
Howard asked if he thought the girls would be into him because of the big cock. Pete said maybe. Howard said he heard he was on Tinder and it took 8 months to get a girl. Pete said he had a date last week. He said it was good but she never called him back. Howard said she said she wanted to go out again but she never called. Pete said he got her number but he called and never heard back. He said he has a date on Friday with another one.
Howard asked Pete when he last got laid. Pete said it's going on 3 or 4 years. He said he's jerking off like 4 times a day.
Howard took a call from Captain Janks who said he'll bet his life that Pete is gay. He said his Gaydar goes off for him all the time. Pete said he's not at all. Janks said he thinks he's gay. Howard said gay guys always think people are gay. Janks said he sees it in him. Howard asked if Pete would go out with Janks. Pete said no. He said he's not gay and he's never had a gay experience. Janks said they should show him a picture of a naked guy and see if he gets hard.
Howard said Pete isn't sure if he has a big penis and he thinks that Robin can tell him if it is or not because she was a nurse. Pete said he hasn't had a lot of women. He said that the women he has had haven't given him honest answers. Howard said Shuli was telling him that Pete had him look at his penis to see the size. He said Shuli said that he puts his hands down his pants to chub up a bit.
Robin asked if Pete is wearing a Medicated Pete t-shirt. Howard said he is. Pete said it's for a cartoon he's working on. Howard said that Pete will stare at Robin when she sees his penis.
Howard played a clip of Pete interviewing a girl about what their best features are and they think that he said ''future''. When they realized what he said they walked away.
Howard said he has another clip where the girls want nothing to do with Pete. Pete asked them what they're into and then asks if they will take him home. One girl said maybe next year. He asked for a hug and the girl said no.
Howard said Pete asks what their interests are and he's not sure why he didn't use their questions. Pete said he thought that the ones he came up with were funny and he went with it.
Howard played another clip where Pete is talking to a really drunk girl and Pete asks what his best features are. She liked his eyes. He asked her to make out with him and then her male friends dragged her away. They didn't want her to make a mistake. Howard said people run for the hills from Pete. Howard said that girl has good friends.
Howard said this next girl loves weed and alcohol but she doesn't like Pete. In that clip Pete asks for a hug and the girl says no way and runs off. Howard said that girl was so drunk and she loves weed and drinking.
Howard said in the next clip Pete gets totally blown off. Howard played that and Pete asked what the girl's interests were and she said her group was leaving and just ran off.
Howard said friends don't let friends hug Pete. Howard said Pete is like Barbara Walters with just one question. Robin said the girls were into answering him when they thought he was asking what they thought their future was going to be.
Howard asked Pete if he has any job opportunities. Pete said he's got nothing going on. Howard asked if he's still handing out resumes. Pete said he is. Pete said his resume is just working there. Howard said he worked there for free. He said he sat next to Jon Hein and annoyed the piss out of him. Howard said Jon had to ask him not to sit so close. Howard said Pete would wander around and Mel Karmazin was there at the time. Howard said he wandered into Mel's office and they had to explain he was an intern. Howard said Pete should be a dog or a cat because then he'd have people who would pet him. Howard asked if he ever thinks about that. Pete said he doesn't.
Howard said before they get to the unveiling penis thing he has to play a clip of Pete going to Pittsburgh with Joey Boots. Howard said they shared a room. Joey was trying to sleep and Pete was listening to music and humming along to it. Howard said he thought Joey was going to kill him. Howard played the clip and Pete is making a ton of noise while Joey is trying to sleep. Joey tells him to shut the fuck up. Howard said it reminds him of a Cheech and Chong routine. Howard said it escalates too. Howard played more of Joey telling him to shut the fuck up. Pete keeps going making noise while Joey is trying to sleep.
Howard said that's great. Pete said he didn't even hear Joey. Howard said he would have stopped if he heard him. Pete said he didn't know how annoying he was. Howard said it gets worse. He said his sleep is so precious to him. He said he'd want to put him in a choke hold. He played Joey yelling at him again to shut the fuck up. Pete finally hears him and stops making noise.
Pete said he was zoning out and didn't hear Joey. Robin asked why his eyes are watering. Pete said he was laughing. Howard asked why he's not doing his medication anymore. Pete said he has side effects. He said he has hallucinations and stuff. He said he can't do it anymore. Howard asked him to stop picking his nose. He asked the guys to bring in a tissue. Howard said he's picking his nose and snotting. Howard told him to get rid of that. Pete didn't know what he was doing.
Howard said he can't believe he can't find a girlfriend. Pete was dating a girl with Cerebral Palsy for a while. Pete said he was in love with her. Howard said he can't believe that her parents got in the way of that. Howard said it's not like she's going to have a lot of guys. Howard said let the guy have a relationship with the daughter.
Gary said they got Pete a job at a gym and he lost the job because he was staring at people oddly. Then he just stopped coming in. Pete said he had an issue with his health and had to go to the hospital. He said then he thinks too much time elapsed and he stopped going. Howard said he could have called the guy and told him what was going on.
Howard said Pete met the Cerebral Palsy girl on a dating web site. Howard said maybe he should go back on that dating site. Pete said he got discouraged after he got dumped. Howard said he knows what he means. Pete said then he found Tinder. Howard asked how the girl looked. Pete said she had a nice face. He said she had a problem with her legs. He said she can't move them at all. Pete said everything else worked. He said her speech was perfect. Howard said she wasn't like Stephen Hawking then.
Howard said it took Pete 7 months to get a date on Tinder. Pete said it did but he found another one. Howard played a song parody about Pete showing his ween to Robin.
Howard said it's time to show that thing to Robin. He said he found one thing odd though. He said Pete likes to sing Purple Rain but now that Prince is dead he's going to stop doing it. Pete said he thinks he should retire it. Howard said now he's been singing U2's ''One'' instead. He said that Purple Rain is on the charts because it's so popular again. Howard said if Prince dies then it's a big thing. Howard asked Pete if he'll sing ''One'' for them. Pete said he can do that but he's still learning the song.
Howard played the music bed for ''One'' and Pete sang it. Howard said it's not bad. Robin said it's better than his Prince. Pete kept going. Howard gave him some echo on his voice. Robin said he could bring that to the subway. Howard said he should sing that to the CP girl.
Robin said that she can see Sour Shoes and Pete in the subway. Howard said he thought he and Asian Pete were managed by the same guy. Pete said no.
Howard said Pete was shocked that people thought his penis was big. Howard said Shuli claims he's shown it to him twice. He said Shuli noticed that he stares at him when it's exposed. Robin told him not to stare at her. Howard said Pete wants her to see it because he respects her as a news woman. Howard said Pete claims he won't chub up. Howard said he has his hands down his pants when he shows it to Shuli. Howard said Pete will Periscope from a cell phone store sometimes. Howard asked why he does it there. Pete said he does it there because it's Asian Pete's friend who lets them do it there. Howard said he's still not sure why. Pete said they get free Wi-Fi there too. Howard said Pete does a lot of shows with Asian Pete too. Howard said they call it the Pete and Pete show.
Howard said it's time to show Robin his penis. Howard had him just go over and show it to Robin. Robin wanted him to put on a towel. Howard said this isn't Game of Thrones so just pull down his pants. Pete said he's getting ready. He was frozen. Pete said he's mentally getting ready. Howard said Robin doesn't appear to be ready. Robin said she just wants to see it and not watch him take off his pants.
Howard told Pete to show it to her. Robin looked and said ''Oh my goodness... that is a big one.'' She said it's about 4 inches flaccid. Robin said it's thick too. Howard said what a waste. Howard said Jason is going to measure it. Jason came in with a tape measure and took a measurement. Jason had him hold it at the base. Jason said it's 5 inches flaccid. Howard played a song parody about Pete's dick. Howard said erect he's 6 and Pete is 5 flaccid. Howard said he's not going to measure his erection though. Howard asked how big he is erect. Pete said he doesn't know. He said it odes grow. Howard said he wishes he could take his dick and transplant it. Pete said he was 5 flaccid. Howard said no wonder the girl had to dump him. He said he must have broken her in two.
Howard said Pete was staring directly at Robin. Robin said she wasn't looking at him. She said she just looked at the business end. Howard said that's a shocker. Howard said he's 5 inches flaccid. Howard said Robin said it's big. Howard said he wishes Robin would say that about him. Robin told Howard to pull down his pants. Howard said he won't be doing that.
Pete said he's so new to this. Howard asked what he's new to. Pete said sex and girls. Howard asked what he's saying and kept saying what. Pete stared to repeat ''what.'' Howard asked how old Pete is. Pete said he's 41. Howard said his penis is so big it looks like his penis' father.
Howard asked how big he is when he's hard. Pete said he's never measured. Howard asked if he wants Robin to get him hard. Robin quickly said no way. Pete said he might be 9 or 10. Robin said he's like a porn star. Howard said he'd walk around naked if he were Pete. Howard said he'd move to Africa and walk around naked. Howard said he's not sure what other country he could do that in.
Howard asked Pete if he would ever do a porn. Pete said it's flattering but he doesn't know if he could go on camera with it. Pete said he's not sure if he could do that. Pete said he just needs a sexual encounter. He said it's been so long now.
Pete said it's like in baseball and being a .400 hitter in baseball and being on the bench. He said he's not able to be used. He said that's how he looks at it.
Howard said Pete is going to be at Blush gentleman's club with Speech Impediment Man on May 20th. Howard asked what he's going to be doing there. Pete said he's going to go out and say a couple of things. Howard asked Pete if he knows what he's going to talk about. Pete said he doesn't know so it will be improv. He said he's getting paid around $500 to do it. He said he'll have to share a room with Speech Impediment Man though.
Howard said that Pete must be a good lover. Robin said he may not know how to handle a girl. Pete said he doesn't know what he should do. He said he doesn't know how to do all of the other stuff. Howard said he has seen porn, right? Pete said he has. He said he thinks he'd be good at it. Howard asked Pete about having sex with the girl with Cerebral Palsy how did he have foreplay. Pete said he rubbed her tits and kissed her. He said he touched her vagina and all of that. Howard said that's what he does. Howard said he rubs it until it seems like it's time to climb on top. Howard asked if he sticks his fingers in it. Pete said he does. Howard asked if he gives it a kiss. Pete said no but he'd like to. He doesn't know why.
Howard said he's been stopped a few times. Howard said she could be a dirty girl. Howard asked if she's ready when he climbs on top. Pete said he thinks she was ready. Howard asked if any of the girls have said he has a big penis and it's hard to get it in. Pete said the tall girl he was with may have said something about it being big. Howard asked if the girls make any sounds. Pete said the tall one did. Howard asked if she enjoyed it. Pete said he thinks she did. Howard said he had a girl who credit after sex. He said she missed her boyfriend. Howard said he's no better at this than Pete.
Howard asked if Pete has tried anal. Pete said he hasn't. He said he doesn't think he would. Howard said he bets some girls will be into it. Pete said he'd love that. Howard asked if he's heard noises like this. He played some women moaning in porn. Pete said he hasn't. Robin asked if he's ever given an orgasm with that thing. Pete said he doesn't know. Howard wished him luck and gave him some plugs. Howard said it's so funny how these places call themselves ''gentleman's clubs.'' He said they're anything but Gentlemen. Howard gave Pete more plugs for his Twitter which is @IAmMedicatedPete. Howard asked if he drew the cartoon. Pete said he has an animator. He said it's called Scroticated Pete.
Howard said he has Asian Pete on the phone. Howard picked up and Pete and Pete talked to each other. Asian Pete asked a question but Medicated Pete didn't understand. Asian Pete asked how they are. Everyone said they're fine. Howard said he has to end this. He let Asian Pete go. Howard said they learned a lot today. Howard said they learned that he does have a big penis. Howard said Robin liked seeing that. Robin said she did not. Howard said he thought it would be fun for her.
Pete got in another plug for something but Howard said no one understood what he said. Pete said go to Vagicons.com to see the cartoon he's working on. He said he has t-shirts and stuff on there. He said it's about a guy who goes around trying to pick up girls. Howard said he should show his penis to girls and they'll run away. Howard wrapped up and said Pete has to get back to doing nothing. Howard asked what he's going to do today. Pete said he'll be back on Tinder and hanging out at the library. Howard let Pete go after that. Jason ripped off his headphones. Howard said Pete is going to wander around the city for 6 hours now. Howard said he saw him the other day walking around. Robin said she saw him one day too. Howard said he just walks around the street. Howard said he hangs around the library in his home town.
Howard wondered if Pete jerks off at he library because he does look at porn there. Howard had the guys bring him back in. Pete said he doesn't look at porn there and he's never jerked off there. He said that's one thing he would never do. Howard asked where he jerks off. Pete said he only does that at home. Howard asked what he does at the library all day. Pete said he talks to Kathy Tobin all day. Howard said poor Kathy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that was really funny. He asked if he's the Dirk Digler of the Wack Pack now. Howard said he thinks he is. Howard let him go and did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard said the guys took his voice and made a phony phone call. He said he was doing an impression of Richard's father and called a gun show. Howard played the call and the guys had Howard doing his impression talking about throwing rocks at cars and eating raccoon and things like that. Then they had Howard saying that he ate fried Jew and they hung up on him. Then they called back and had Howard talking about eating a hitchhiker. They hung up but Sal and Richard kept calling with more crazy comments.
Howard said that was awesome. Robin said she's very proud of those men for getting rid of him once he started frying Jews. Howard said he loves Richard's dad. Howard said he has a new clip of Richard's dad leaving a message for his son. Howard said he's pretty sure Richard's dad would be for Trump because he's all for guns. Robin said he might not be. Robin said he may not even be political. Howard said he served in the military so anyone who does is political. Richard came in and said his dad is proud of what he did. Howard asked if people in Kansas are allowed to vote. Richard said they have a very unpopular governor there. He said his name is Brownback. Howard asked who his parents are voting for. He said they haven't made up there mind yet. Robin asked if his father is in the NRA. Richard said he is. He said he has their bumper sticker and everything.
Howard played the message that Richard's dad left. Richard's dad said the dogs got into it with a raccoon and they're not sure if they got to the chickens or not.
Howard said his father never called him once to give an update like that. Howard said it's sweet that his father does that for Richard. Howard said it's really nice. Howard asked if they have chickens left. Richard said luckily the raccoon didn't get to the chickens.
Howard said he has another one. He said Richard's dad talks about a rooster fucking bottles and cans. Howard played that and Richard's dad said they found a rooster on the side of the road and it's screwing bottles and cans. He said it screws anything it can.
Howard said Richard's dad always signs off with ''We'll talk to you later...'' Howard said that's like Eric the Actor's ''Bye for now.'' Richard said they had a rooster that fucked bottles and cans when he was a kid and his friends would come over to watch.
Howard asked Richard if he saw Medicated Pete's cock. Richard said he did. He said he wishes he had a big one like that.
Howard said Richard's parents used to make him go find a switch in the woods to get whipped with. Richard said they did. He said he'd get a weak one and they'd call him out on it. Richard said he'd make him go back out and find a green one after he came back with an old stick. Robin said that she was able to find sticks that looked good for whipping but they weren't. Robin said her mother didn't even remember why she would whip her. She had no memory of what she would do that for.
Howard said his mother would hit him with a hanger. He said she used to take his temperature anally too. Howard said it was so inappropriate. He said he was too old for that. Howard said he may have been 17 and it was still going on. Howard said he'd have to lay on the bed and his mother would look him over. Richard said Robin took his and Sal's temperature anally there once.
Howard said his mother would find a t-shirt on his bed and go off on him about that and then the stick would come out. He was like ''fuck you'' and wondered why she didn't just give him his own space. Robin said her mother was like that too.
Richard said he used to melt his sister's Barbie dolls and things like that so he deserved it. Howard said he was playing that call with his dad in it. Robin asked if they let the dogs attack a racoon because they could get rabid. Richard said they could. Howard said he can see why his parents would beat him. Howard said he shit in a can and cooked it. Richard said he was like 20 when that happened.
Howard took a call from a guy who said his dad used to beat him. He said he had a book in his pants and his dad hurt his hand. He said his dad threw him into a toilet and it broke the toilet off the wall. He said he got beaten for that too.
Howard said his father would take the stick out of a wooden hanger and beat him with that. He said he'd run away from his mother and she'd wonder why he ran off. He said he's not going to wait for that. Howard said his father never hit him, it was just his mother. Howard said he loves when his kids complain about him yelling at them or something. Howard said they have no idea how good they have it.
Richard said his beatings stopped in second or third grade. Howard said his father told him to just let his mother do it because it wasn't so bad.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she has to agree with Robin about the people who agree with the second amendment not necessarily being in the NRA. Howard said that he's not sure how you're supposed to defend your home against invaders if you don't have a gun. Howard said he'd like to know what happens in a parking lot at 2 in the morning and two guys threaten to rape her and she can't defend herself. Robin said you hope that Batman shows up. Howard said in Australia they took away the guns and now the criminals kill you with a knife or a bat. He said homicides are up there after they took away guns.
The caller said she runs at 5:30 in the morning and she was approached by a young male. She said she was spooked by it so she's in full agreement with keeping gun rights. She said that it's the people who have the guns and it's not the guns that are the problem.
Robin said there was a story about a 80 something year old woman who was attacked by a guy. Robin said she got beaten up and robbed. Howard said he thinks some of the great things about this country is the first amendment and the second amendment.
Richard said he started shooting when he was like 4 years old. Howard said he recognizes the right to have one. Howard said a lot of people don't have the luxury of full time police protection. Howard said a lot of politicians have that luxury. Howard said he has to get out of this gun discussion.
Howard took a call from a woman who said when she was 13 years old her mother thought she was having sex so she made her lay on the bed and looked in her vagina. She said she remembers tears running down her face because she was so humiliated. Howard said his mom was way too interested in his asshole. Howard asked what her mom was looking for in her vagina. The caller said she doesn't know. She said maybe she was looking for the hymen or something. She said it was just crazy. Howard said they should call her mom and ask her what she was looking for. The caller said she did confront her and she said she didn't remember that. Howard said her mom was like the Mattock of Vagina.
Howard asked if the caller has a daughter. She said she does and she'll never check her like that. Howard said he should have said something to his mother about her checking his asshole but he was a kid and didn't know any better. He said he should have said something. He said you feel like a jerk the rest of your life for not saying something.
Howard told the caller to come down there if she ever wants to be checked again. He let her go and then went to break.
Howard said they asked him to announce something about the toys. He said they're trying to build awareness for the toys. Howard said Dana Reeve used to come on the show but she died from cancer after taking care of Chris. Howard said that foundation is still out there taking care of people.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he used to hold in his shit when he was a kid because his brother used to kick in the door. He said he had a mess in his pants once and his dad made him clean them out himself in the tub. Howard asked what he did in the tub. The guy said he sat in water in his own shit. Howard said he'd like to ask his dad what he was thinking. He said he was shitting his pants and then his dad makes him sit in his own shit. The caller said he would lock the door and his brother would kick the door open and everyone would walk by and laugh.
Howard said he's glad he didn't have a brother. He said he can't imagine having to share that little bit of attention with someone. Howard said he knows his brother would take out his anger on him. Howard said if he made it in radio his brother would be a loser or just be angry. Robin said his dad would be comparing the two. Howard thanked Jesus for not giving him a brother and just a sister who didn't even know he existed.
The caller said he got back at his brother when they grew up. He said that he kicked in the door and took pictures of him on the toilet. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said at the end of the day you're responsible for yourself. He said that people are angry and jealous. Howard said you meet someone religious and you think they're good but then you realize they've completely warped the religion. Howard said life is really hard.
Howard said there are so many dumb people in the world who get on your nerves. He said people don't get the transgender thing and they keep saying they just don't get it. Howard said his whole attitude is ''who cares?'' He said there are people who think it's ridiculous to be going into a bathroom for the gender you feel. Howard said a woman wrote a song about the whole thing. Howard played some of the song that this woman wrote. It was sort of a rap song about bathroom use. Howard said it's an insult to rap. Robin said it's horrible. Howard said her whole agenda is thinking about transgender and bathrooms. Howard said in some states they have people guarding the bathrooms.
Howard said he read about a guy who was guarding a bathroom and a woman goes in and she looks kind of manly so the guy goes off on her telling her that she looks like a man. Howard said he has audio of this guy yelling at the woman. Howard played the clip and the guy was said it's difficult with her because she's dressed like a man.
Shuli came in and said Jeff knows what's behind it. Howard said Jeff is a bad caller. He said he calls in to tell him about this but he has no idea why. Howard said Jeff is jealous of Bobo too. Howard said that's sad. Jeff said Bobo got time up the ass and fuck Bobo. Howard said he's a bore. Jeff hung up. Howard said Jeff is a bad caller because he'll call up and expect him to make something out of nothing. Shuli said it's zero effort. Shuli said Jeff wants Howard to do all of the heavy lifting.
Howard had some audio of Jeff going off on him on Periscope after he hung up on him. Jeff was talking about what a bitch Howard was for hanging up on him. He said he's been a dick to him lately. He said he got like 30 seconds. He said Howard is in love with Bobo. Howard said he shit all over Bobo for a half hour and Jeff is jealous of that.
Howard said Jeff wants to be on the and he's trying to find out what happened on Periscope. Howard said Jeff will call all morning trying to get back on but he won't be able to get to him. Howard said he's moved on. Howard played a clip of Jeff trying to call back and Jeff can't get through.
Howard said Jeff is angrier than anyone. Shuli said that's the basis for why he's not on Periscope. He said that he's rubbed people the wrong way. He said there's a guy out there who has made it his mission to destroy Jeff piece by piece. He said that he's the guy sending cops and social services to his house. He said Jeff doesn't do the smartest things on Periscope. He said there's evidence of what he's doing and people are fucking with him because he fucks with people. Shuli said now he can't even go on Periscope. He said you're not allowed to be nude on there and things like that. He said Jeff has broken every rule.
Howard said Jeff showed his dick on Periscope by accident. Shuli said he has one shot of him showing his nuts accidentally.
Howard said Jeff knows why he got banned but he won't tell him. He said that's why he's not a good caller. Howard said he saw a screen shot of Jeff beating off with a chef's hat on. Howard said he's not sure why that is. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Meghan Trainor is there. He said he's very happy to have her there. She brought her guitar player, Drew, with her. Howard said he's thrilled to have her there. Howard said she's got an interesting story to tell. Howard said it seems to him that every great song writer has someone in her family who is a musician. Howard said her father is a musician. She said her uncle and another uncle too. Howard asked if she was able to sing when she was young. Meghan said she was terrible until she was about 17. She said she didn't take any training. Howard asked what happened that made her good at 17. She said it's by the ear but she went to a summer program at a school. She said she had a roommate that she copied and her parents thought she was really good now.
Howard said he sees Pete Townshend writing songs and he wonders if he could have been trained to be a good singer. Meghan said she thinks you can mimic some voices. Howard asked if she can play instruments. Meghan said she can play a bunch.
Meghan said she didn't think she could make it because of her look. She said she wrote ''All About that Bass'' and it was all on after that.
Howard said Meghan would pick at her own skin and she was really insecure in high school. Meghan said there was Facebook and Instagram and it's just worse nowadays. Howard said she was performing at 12 with her family. Howard said she went around to bars and things. She said that was on Nantucket. Howard said at 12 she started writing her own songs. She said they were cute but not that good. She said she got the formula down though.
Howard asked who her influences were. She said her dad and mom were. She said they played Stevie Wonder and she'd try to learn parts of that. She said her father is there with her today. She said he has given her good advice about the whole thing.
Howard said Meghan is 22 and she's had a lot of performing under her belt. Howard asked if it was important to her parents for her to perform. She said they just loved her and wanted her to have fun. Then she got a publishing deal.
Howard said in high school she was in song writing competitions. Meghan said that her parents put her in all kinds of song writing contests. She said they'd write and people would judge them. She said they were song writers or publishers. Howard said as a kid she was doing that and she talked about being put in a room and had to write a song for these people. Meghan said that she would put it on a CD and she'd play it on a shitty sounding player in this room. Meghan said she worked on Garage Band on an Apple and her father would help her learn that.
Howard said Meghan learned from her father and she was playing every instrument and writing her own songs. Howard asked if anyone saw she was great other than her father. Meghan said she went to a song writing competition and everyone remembered her from before as being the girl who had the ukulele song. Meghan said some people had professionally produced songs and she had songs she and her dad worked on.
Howard said Meghan got into Berkeley in Boston. She said that she went there for 2 years. She said she got a full scholarship and she turned it down. She said her parents were fine with that. Meghan said she was in high school and got a publishing deal before she was done with school. She said she had to leave lunch to go sign her deal.
Howard asked about the publishing deals and how that works. Meghan said her first deal was very small. She said that was with Big Yellow Dog. She said that she was paid a yearly salary to write 12 songs. She said it was like 20,000 a year. Meghan said she kept traveling to Nashville and L.A. from Nantucket. She said she had to move to one of them.
Howard asked if she wrote with other writers. Meghan said she wrote with strangers. Howard said she sold two songs to Rascal Flatts. She said she wrote some country stuff for them and they liked her pop stuff. She said they do country but they wanted to get into the pop world. Howard said they sued her songs. Howard played some of the songs she wrote for Rascal Flatts. She was just 18 when she wrote those songs. Meghan said that she balled when she heard them played for her.
Howard said Meghan got into that world and she must have made friends. Meghan said she had a boyfriend and she'd just hang out with him all day. Howard asked if she didn't like writing with other people. Meghan said she felt like she would leave and they'd be blown away that she was able to do everything at 18. Howard asked if she got resentful when she did 90 percent of the labor and they took equal credit. Meghan said that can ruin relationships. She said you still deal with it every day. Howard asked if she's even met Rascal Flatts. She said she ran into one of the guys at a hair salon one day. She said they knew who she was and they were thrilled when she made it big though.
Howard said Meghan gets the job as a song writer at 18. Howard asked how long she did that. She said it was a year exactly. Howard asked what gave her the confidence to be a performer. Howard said she didn't think she was the Disney type girl who has ''the look'' like Selena Gomez or Taylor Swift. Meghan said it was the song ''All About That Bass'' and seeing the reactions from people who heard it. She said she was done writing songs for other people. Howard asked if people were intimidated by her singing on the demos. She said they told her to stop doing them. She said she got so mad that she said she was done. Howard asked if people were saying that her demos were too good. She said she was told that by her family and friends.
Howard said that she sold a song ''Ain't Your Mama'' to Jennifer Lopez. Howard played some of that and Meghan said that she kept some of her back up vocals in it. Meghan said she had finished her album and the song was so good that she sent it to J-Lo to do. She said that her son said it was a hit because he played it 5 times in a row. Robin said maybe she should get her son to judge songs.
Howard asked Meghan if she ever thought about being the face of her music. Meghan said she thought about how she wanted to be like Kesha so everyone would know her. Howard said that everyone in her home town gets to know her and that's kind of cool. Howard said that's what it was like for him to do radio.
Howard asked how Meghan got the song ''All About That Bass'' made. She said it was a quick one to write. She wrote it with another guy and they did it in like 45 minutes. She said it's like a date and you have to learn about the other person quick. She said he was working with an artist who was a friend of her's and he heard her demos. She said he liked her voice but not her songs so much. She said she grew up chubby and so did he so they had a bond. Meghan said he had a song that was all about all bass and no treble and she was like she has all bass and no treble as her ass and boobs. She said that she wanted to write it about a woman's body. Meghan said she had the title but not a concept. Howard asked who came up with the song. Meghan said they were talking about Doo-Wop and he brought in a bass and messed with it. She said she came up with the lyric about it being all about that bass.
Howard said Lady Gaga just mumbles some of her lyrics and then they come to her. Meghan said she knows what that's like. She said she does stuff like that too. Howard said she's pretty comfortable with a stranger in the room and she's able to mumble and come up with her stuff.
Howard said rap is tricky for white girls. Howard said you can get ridiculed by the black community. Meghan said her brother says that sometimes white girls rapping can be annoying. Howard asked how they cut the song. Meghan said they did it at the studio and they decided not to put Autotune on her. She said it's like a rough demo that they put together. She said she had the song for 6-9 months and one guy told her it was cute but it wasn't a hit. She said she kept playing it for the A&R guys and they all said it wasn't a hit. She said her publisher was sending it around and they tried sending it to Beyonce and the label liked it but they didn't think she was doing that right now.
Meghan said she thought no one would hear the song ever. She said then L.A. Reid heard it. Howard said she walks in with a ukulele to perform for him. Meghan said she had to wait for 4 hours to see L.A. She said she got to rehears though so that was good. She said she sat in an A&R room waiting and it was nerve wracking. She said she was in a room that was all white and they played her song like 5 times while she was waiting there. She said she thought she had failed and texted everyone that. Howard said she played the ukulele for him. She said that's all she had so she had to do it on the ukulele.
Howard asked Meghan to perform the song on her ukulele right now. Howard said this is what it was like when she played it for L.A. Reid. Howard said that the ukulele is the least cool instrument out there. Howard had her perform the song. Meghan and her guitar player performed the song together.
After the song Howard said that was great. He said he just realized Robin is all about the treble. Howard said L.A. Reid signed her to a deal even though she's not that typical pop star. Howard asked if she went out and celebrated. She said she did. She said that she and a friend got a bottle of booze and Facetimed her friends.
Howard asked when she realized the song was going to be huge for her. Meghan said she realized it when the views got crazy. Howard asked if she gets sick of hearing the song. Meghan said her mom gets sick of it.
Howard said she was nominated for song of the year and record of the year. Howard said she didn't win. She lost to Sam Smith. She said she had a speech prepared for it. She won for Best New Artist for the Grammy's. Howard asked what she did with the Grammy. She said she has it in her room above her underwear drawer. She said she gets tingly every time she sees it.
Howard asked if she worries about her voice all the time. Meghan said she does and she had some problems with her throat. She said she was on tour and she did a year of working and then she was on tour and she was at a place where her doctor told her not to talk at all. Then she got bronchitis. She said when you're a girl and you menstruate your chords get all red and tight. She said she had all three going on and she was doomed. She said she's 22 so she recoverers. Howard said he has to get up early in the morning and talk for hours. Meghan said she doesn't know how they do it.
Meghan asked if Howard and Robin ever drink. Howard said he has like one glass of wine. He said he goes to bed super early. Meghan said he had 3 hours of sleep last night. Howard said she has to get sleep. Howard wished her luck. Howard said for him it's porn and then bed. He said he goes right to sleep.
Howard asked what the best part of being famous is now. Meghan said it's seeing her dad's face when fans come up to her. She said he's 68 and he's snap chatting with people. Howard said it was his dream for this. She said it was. She said she's a middle child and the only girl. She said she has two brothers. Howard asked if they're trying to be performers. She said one brother is a producer but he won't work with her. She said pop music isn't his thing.
Howard said Meghan wrote a song for Sabrina Carpenter. Howard played some of that song. Meghan said she had that song at a song writing competition. She said that a Disney guy heard it and said he'd get it published. Howard said she wrote one for Lauren Elana too. Howard said she was an American Idol person.
Howard said Meghan's new album ''Thank You'' is coming out on Friday. Howard said he really likes her song ''No'' on that album. Howard asked what she's doing today. She said she's going to do ''Hopeless Romantic'' today. She said that's her whole life being a hopeless romantic.
Howard said as a star it must be easy to hook up. Meghan said it's really not. She said that she thought something was wrong with her but J-Lo told her that people are just intimidated. She said that it's not as easy as you'd think. Howard asked what happened to her boyfriend. Meghan said she got her record deal and he told her to go be a pop star and broke up with her.
Howard said Meghan wants love in her life and that's what this song is about. Howard said he knows guys on the road would have sex with everyone. Howard said women are different. Howard said she's not looking for a one night thing. Meghan said she doesn't want a fan. She said her father was 40 and found her mother at 19. She said she's wondering where her 40 year old is.
Howard asked if she has a video out for this song. Meghan said this is the first time she's performing the song in public. She said she wrote the song with some friends. Howard said she had a video for ''Me Too'' and she had it removed. Howard said she didn't like the way they edited her to look like she was thinner in the waist. She said that she asked for some other things to be fixed but not the waist thing. She said she called everyone and told them to take it down. She said that it looked ridiculous. She said she was already wearing Spanx and she didn't want them to do that to her. Howard asked if she ever thought about dieting to get down to something like that. Meghan said she hasn't fluctuated since high school. She said it's been the same since then.
Howard asked Meghan's guitar player if he has played with anyone famous. He said he has played with Demi Lovato and a bunch of pop stars. Howard asked Drew if he would ever shit where he eats and fuck Meghan. Drew said the boss says no.
Howard asked Drew if he knows how to play this song. Drew said he does. Meghan said they rehearsed it. Howard had them perform ''Hopeless Romantic.''
After the song Howard said Benjy is weeping. Howard said he just told Robin he shits where he eats and she threw up. Howard said he likes the song and the way she wrote it. He said it's a beautiful thought. Howard said a lot of people think about it but no one thinks to write a song about it. Howard said when that idea comes to you it must come quick. Meghan said that she thought about how to write a song about not wanting to miss time with a guy. Howard said that she's done it all today. Howard said Drew is pretty fucking good on guitar. He stared playing at 13. Howard said he's just starting out now himself. Meghan said it's so hard to play. She said she can't do it with her tiny fingers.
Howard said Meghan is only 22 and she's done so much. Howard said it's a good lesson for all of us. Howard said the man she really wants to be with is Leonardo DiCaprio. She said his acting his her favorite. She said he is a god. Howard said he's got all of those girls on his boat. He said she has to work hard to get on that boat. Howard gave her a plug for her new album and asked if she's superstitious about it coming out on Friday the 13th. She said they did that to her last time too. She said they must like messing with her.
Howard said Meghan's web site is Meghan-Trainor.com and she doesn't have it without the hyphen. She said some artist owns it. Howard wished her luck with the new album and told her not to let her vocal chords bleed. Howard said she has to take it easy. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later. They played Sia performing ''Diamonds'' in the Howard Stern Show studio as they went to break.
Howard said they have a couple of quick Baba Booey's from a golf tournament. Howard played those couple of shout outs. They were nice and loud. Howard wondered if they show up on the closed captioning on TV.
Howard said it's getting late in the show but he had a phony phone call to play. Howard asked Robin if she wanted to hear one where they asked some black guys on a radio show if they could give permission to use the N-word. Howard played the call after Robin said she wanted to hear it. The caller was Chris Wilding and he was asking how to use the word and if he could use it in certain ways with his wife. He asked if there's a head nigga in charge he can ask about getting official permission. The guys told him that he might get fucked up if he says that out on the street.
Howard took a call from Wolfie who asked if he can have permission to observe JD for a day. He said he wants to shadow him for a bit and record him talking and his browser history and things like that. Robin said he did shadow Gary once and it was great. He said he's not sure he'd fit in his cubicle. JD told him to fuck off. He said Wolfie likes to bust balls too much. He said he's not his boss. Howard said he is and he thinks it might be funny. Howard said it's like him observing him in the wild. Howard said it's turning him on that JD is so against it.
Howard said he heard JD went to a painting class. JD said it was just a paint night, it wasn't a class. Howard played a song parody about JD that Daniel Mendelson did. Howard said he has a shot of the painting JD did. He said it looks like finger paints.
Howard said he'd like to see Wolfie shadow JD for a day. JD said he just did something with him. Wolfie said he did something really funny but he won't say what it is yet. JD said he's not looking to do anything with Wolfie for a while. Howard asked if it was a disaster. JD said it makes him look like an idiot.
Howard said he heard that Wolfie's tweets are really lame. Will came in with some of his posts. He read a few and they were kind of lame. Howard said it's the comedy of Wolfie. Will read a few more and Howard asked what they even mean. Howard asked if he is looking for a writing career. Wolfie said he used to write for the Harvard Lampoon and he's surprised they're so bad.
Wolfie said this stuff just pops into his head. Howard said JD has to humiliate him back like he's doing right now. JD said he's Wolfie Martling. Howard said that's a good one. Wolfie thought so too.
Howard said Wolfie can trail JD around and give them a report. Wolfie said you can follow him on Twitter @ThisIsWolfie
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's seen these paint nights. He said he can't believe JD went to one. He said it's hysterical. Howard said JD posted the painting. Howard said he'll put it on HowardStern.com. Howard said his painting looks like shit hitting the water. Robin agreed when she saw it. Howard said everything is shit brown, even the sky. JD said he messed up the sky and the tree so he tried to turn it into an explosion. The caller said that's what all of the paintings look like from paint night. He said they all look like shit.
JD said he felt obligated to do the painting since he was there drinking wine. Howard said JD's signature takes up a quarter of the page. Howard said he has no talent in that area. Howard said he has to get to work on his skills. JD said he's not looking to be a painter. Robin said he has to avoid going to paint parties. Robin said he might be good at a mumble party.
Howard said Anna Nicole Smith had one of the most perfect faces. Howard said Benjy sort of dated her. Benjy said he thought he could get her. He said in the bathroom she was interested but they kissed and he met her at her hotel after the show but it was no more than kissing. He said he was more kind of being goofy and stuff. He said she was very nice. Howard said she spiraled out of control after that. Benjy said he had another date but he was late or something and she got upset. Howard said they went right to fighting after that. Howard said it's funny Robin brought that up. He said he did the same thing checking out Dannielynn. Howard said it would be funny if Benjy hooked up with her when he's old. Howard did his impression of Benjy telling her not to be afraid of his meatball eyes.
Robin read a story about Sumner Redstone being in a lawsuit with a former girlfriend. Robin said that was thrown out of court. Robin said she had been his health proxy. Howard said that guy is a weird dude. Howard said he's 92 and asking for threesomes. Howard said he has tape of him asking for it but it's very hard to understand. Howard played some of the audio even though he said it was hard to understand. Howard said it's funny that he owns Viacom and it's such a wholesome company but it's all so fake and bullshit.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she thinks that JD must have a big cock to have a girlfriend. Howard said he either has a big cock or coke. Howard said that JD is like this guy he knew who had the hottest girlfriend he ever knew. Howard said he and his friends said he either had a big cock or a lot of coke. Howard said one day they were changing and the guy had a cock down to his ankles. Robin asked what you do with that. Howard said you get a great girlfriend. Howard said he doesn't think women care that much about it. The caller said they need to investigate JD.
Howard asked JD if he has a nice cock. JD said it's average and just fine. Howard asked if he'll show it to Robin. JD laughed. He said he can't do that. He said it would be too weird. Howard said Robin will be a nurse while she looks. Howard said Robin must be curious. Robin told him to come in and she'll compare it to Pete's. Howard said he can picture JD with a nice one. Howard said he doesn't think a girl would put up with JD if he didn't have a nice one. Howard said his girlfriend is very pretty and normal. Robin said anyone can hold it together for 10 minutes. Howard asked JD if he has a thick head on his penis. JD said it's fine. Howard asked him to show it to Robin. JD said no. Howard asked how his balls are. JD said they're okay too. Howard asked if he manscapes. JD said he does here and there. Howard said he bets he has a smelly ass. JD said he showers before he fucks his girlfriend. Howard asked if he has ever taken a shit and fucked his girlfriend. JD said he has showered after dumping.
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella who said he thought it was hilarious when Benjy said he was ''just kissing'' Anna Nicole Smith. Howard said it was a big deal but she was at a bad point in her life. Ralph said ''well clearly''. Howard said he didn't get her when she was in Playboy. Howard said it was a big score for Benjy. Howard said Benjy was coming on to her with his love voice. Howard said Benjy was being her knight in shining armor. Howard said Benjy said he wanted to get her. Howard said they set up the fight and they got him in the bathroom with her alone. Howard said Benjy always gets girls on their way down. Howard said when he was young he used to do the same thing. Ralph said even when he wasn't so young he did it. Howard let him go after that.
Robin got back to her news and read more about the Sumner Redstone story. Howard said he is like Leonardo DiCaprio compared to Sumner. Howard said it's unbelievable to get women at 92. Howard said you'd think the fire inside of you would be gone but the guy can't control it. Robin said it seems to be all he thinks about. Howard played more of the tape of Sumner trying to set up a threesome. Howard said this is the head of Viacom talking like that. Howard said it's like if Ronnie had a billion dollars. Howard said just look at that guy. He said he looks like he's melting. Fred played some Ronnie audio while Howard was playing the Sumner clip. Howard said he can guarantee that woman doesn't want it with him. Robin wondered if he was less interested in sex at that point in his life when he got that business started. Howard said he doesn't know.
Robin read a story about parents who don't like talking to their teen kids about sex. Robin said you have to keep it age appropriate according to this story. Robin had some audio of a doctor giving advice about that.
Robin had Howard play some of Beyonce's song ''Lemonade'' and said that she's supposed to be singing about Jay Z being unfaithful to her. Howard asked how you're supposed to know that. Robin said she's not sure how everyone hears infidelity in that song. Howard said he doesn't know. He said he's not sure how you even know that. He said people have a lot of free time to analyze these songs. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said Jimmy Kimmel is going to be on with Kelly Ripa next week. Howard said Jimmy will be on this show on Monday as well. Mariann said that Mayor de Blasio is doing something and Howard said he doesn't know what's going on with that. Mariann said it has to do with his campaign fund. Howard said he has no idea what she's talking about. Howard had to hang up on her. He said she won't let him talk. Howard said he tries and tries but she doesn't let him converse.
Howard said he started to read what's going on with the mayor but it's so boring he can't get through it. Howard said Mariann was right about Jimmy Kimmel being on with Kelly Ripa on Monday. Howard said Jimmy and Kelly are very close. He said they hang out. Howard said he's the first co-host after Michael Strahan leaves.
Howard said someone is coming in on Monday who he has waited for years to have on. Howard said he's so fucking excited about it. Howard said it's a genius. Robin asked if he's in music. Howard said sometimes. Robin asked if he's in TV and movies. Howard said sometimes. Howard said it's someone who is a true genius. Robin asked if they write, direct and perform. Howard said yes to all. Robin asked if they are funny. Howard said yes but he won't give the name.
Robin had Howard play a song that Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton performed together. Howard asked if they're 12. He said they're just singing about each other. Howard played more of the song and said they probably make out during the recording session. Robin said he's probably fingering her during the song. Howard said he doesn't hear him. Howard said he saw that Gavin Rossdale just came out with a song called ''I'm fucking a bunch of hot nobodies.'' Howard played more of Gwen and Blake. Howard said she must be good in the sack. Howard said they both just got out of a marriage. He said they can't stop singing about each other.
Howard said he can't take his eyes off of Gwen but she has to calm the fuck down with Blake Shelton. Howard said it's just too much. He said she's singing just about him and how he made her love him. Howard asked where the kids are in all of this. Howard said maybe Gavin is watching them. Robin said Gavin is on tour. Howard said maybe they're at Benjy's house. Howard said this song really kind of sucks. He said they're so in love they think it sounds good. He said he thinks Robin is right that he was fingering her during the recording. Fred played a clip of Richard Simmons singing.
Howard said Gwen dresses too young for her age. Howard asked how old she is. Gary interrupted and said he thinks they're close to getting her in there. Howard said he doesn't think she likes him so he doesn't think she'll come in. Gary said he doesn't know if that's true. He said he's not getting that from the people he's talking to. Howard said he would love for her to come in. Howard said he isn't saying he's not hot for her. Howard said he wants her to take the relationship a little slower. Howard said if it doesn't work out, and most don't, she's going to have all of these songs out there. Howard said she probably won't want to come in now that he's said all of this. Gary said they'll see. Howard said he would love it if she came in. He said he'd probably pop a rod in the studio. Howard said Gavin has been in a bunch of times. Howard said he'd love it if she did come in. He said she probably won't. Robin said she may just be intimidated by him.
Howard did a live commercial read after that. It was for Metallica's remastered albums so Richard Christy came in to talk about that for a short time. Richard was talking about how good they sound. Richard said they're working on a new album too. Howard said they'll probably come in to promote that. Richard said they just sang Happy Birthday to Willie Mays. Howard and Fred did their impressions of Richard telling them about that.
Howard said it would be cool if Gwen Stefani came in. Fred said they say she's very shy and she didn't date in high school. Howard said he was at a wedding with Gavin and Gwen and he talked to Gavin for a while and Gwen was just hanging back and didn't say hello. Howard said she's not coming in. Gary said he had such a different meeting with her earlier in her career. Gary said they were up at K-Rock and she was in No Doubt and she walked by and Gwen came in asking if Howard was there and she seemed very excited. Howard said he just took it like she didn't like him. Robin said that it's like the Heath Ledger thing. Howard said he has to take it personally. Robin said maybe she was dealing with something at the time. Howard said she was talking to other people. He said he has thought maybe she had diarrhea. Gary said maybe she thought anything she said would end up on the air. Robin said that has happened. Howard said she has to come in and tell him why she didn't talk to him. He said come in and charm him.
Howard said he's surprised she's still on The Voice. Howard said people were shocked by him going on America's Got Talent. Howard said he thought she was above it. Howard said now she fell in love with Blake Shelton and she's madly in love with hi. Howard said that he thought that Blake was going to go on a dating spree with models.
Howard said that Adam Levine's wife is pregnant and she's so hot he's even looking at her pictures when she's pregnant. Howard said he even knows her name, Behati Prinsloo. Howard said he bets Blake fucks Gwen in the spinning chair. He said he's seen that show like twice. Howard said he doesn't care about anything.
Howard took a call from a woman who didn't believe Howard picked up on her. Howard told her to ask him a question and he'll prove it's him. She asked if it's really Howard Stern. Howard said it is. The caller said maybe it is him. Howard said it's his show and it's him. The caller said she thinks what Beth is doing is great. She said that she rescues too. She said she's ticked off with the Gwen Stefani thing. She said she's coming down on her extremely hard. Howard said she just isn't friendly to him. The caller said she gets that. She said she would probably fall apart if she met Howard too. The caller said that she is a little older than Howard but he's her type. She said that he's extremely attractive. Howard asked if she's pleasured herself to him. She said she doesn't do that to anyone including her husband. Howard asked who else is hot. She said she's looking at one right now. She said her dog is there. Howard asked if her type is Frankenstein's Monster.
The caller said that she heard Howard's interview with Gwen's ex and he cheated on her with the Nanny. The caller said that she bought a box to carry with her to listen to Sirius and it doesn't work. She said she wants to be able to get him in the car and get out and hear it. Howard said she bought 50 devices and she can't hear the show. Howard said he believes that too.
The caller still didn't believe it was Howard and Robin so Howard said they're interns doing impressions of Howard and Robin. The caller ended up talking about Howard like he wasn't really there. She said that Robin just agrees with everything Howard says. Howard said all she has is big tits. Howard asked if she still wants to talk to Howard. She said she would die to talk to him. Howard said he'll go get him. Howard called Howard over to talk to the caller, Elizabeth. She said she's been fooled once but she won't be fooled twice. Howard said they can't fool her anymore. The caller, Elizabeth, said she loves the show but sometimes she wants to reach through the radio and strangle Howard. Howard, as the intern, told her he's seen Howard's penis in the bathroom and it's enormous. Howard said Robin faked the cancer thing too. They told Elizabeth that Robin was in another state and she was just too lazy to come in to work.
Howard told Elizabeth that Howard is a Jew. Elizabeth said she loves the Jews. She said she has a sister who was a Jew. She said she has Jewish children. She said she's a Jew lover. Intern Howard said that he liked the Jews until he started working there.
Elizabeth asked why Howard treats Gary like shit. Intern Howard said Howard doesn't like Gary. He said that he has those giant lips and teeth. Howard said if he ever writes a book he will say he saw Howard hit Gary with a hanger. Elizabeth said she believes that. She said Howard is rude and she doesn't like it. Howard said no one there likes Howard. Howard said he'll let Elizabeth go. Howard told her to call back and he'll tell her more stories about all of this. Howard told Elizabeth that his name is Tzvi. He said Robin's name is Susan. Howard let Elizabeth go after that. Howard said she might be their dumbest listener.
Robin read a story about celebrities in California who overused water during the drought and how they might be punished with a new bill. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that. Robin said some people were warned about their water usage in 2014 and this bill is a result of that.
Robin read a story about how one in six young men are jobless or in jail. Robin said they say 5 million young men were unemployed in 2014. Robin said another 3 million were incarcerated. Robin said education and race appear to play roles in that.
Robin read about El Chapo possibly being on his way to the United States soon. Robin said that they might extradite him to the states to face drug charges. Robin said he may end up coming to Brooklyn. Howard said they call Benjy ''El Blotcho.''
Robin had some audio of Hillary Clinton talking about equal pay for women. Howard said he's all for that too.
Robin had some audio of Bernie Sanders talking about Donald Trump. Howard said that he thinks anyone successful is bad.
Robin read about Donald Trump being preferred by military troops over Hillary Clinton. Robin said that Trump has support of 54 percent while Clinton gets 25 percent. Howard said he saw that Chris Christie was named to Trump's transition team and he knows both of those guys. He said if they get elected then he has a few things he wants.
Robin read about the Mayor of London being a Muslim and how Trump might allow him into the country when he puts a ban on Muslims. Robin wondered who is going to be Vice President. Howard said maybe Bobby the Chorizo guy. Howard said he loves that guy.
Robin read a story about a documentary that's on this week about gun violence. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that. Howard said it sounds like fun, can't wait to see that. Howard said he's had friends make documentaries and they're really hard to watch.
Robin read a story about the North Carolina bathroom law and what's going on with that. Robin had some audio of someone talking about how it's state sponsored discrimination.
Robin wrapped up and ended her news. Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Jillian said that she saw Anna Nicole out once and she was all fucked up and wanted to talk to her about the clothes she was wearing on a dating show. She said she was bloated and drinking but she was a lot of fun. She said Anna was an anomaly. She said she liked the way Howard and Benjy set it up to get her.
Jon said they have to talk about Medicated Pete. Jon said that he wants to say that he did a damn good job singing that U2 song. Gary said his rhythm was good. He said he was better than most who sing karaoke. Jillian said she loves his laugh and his voice. She said when you listen to someone and then see them on the show it's totally different than what you imagine. She said she thought Pete was going to be cuter. She said no amount of hot would make her want to get down with that.
Jon asked what she would suggest for Pete to do. Jillian said that penis is such a waste. She said that it's typical that the hottest guys aren't packing. Gary said guys don't give a shit like women do. Jillian said she couldn't do it with him with that face. She said that one thing that women like is girth though and that's what Robin pointed out today.
Gary said Pete's analogy about baseball was wrong. He said he's really more like a guy who hits home runs in practice and sucks in the game.
Rahsaan said that Pete sang that song this morning and he has never heard it before so he's not sure if it was good or not. He said he loved the tape of Pete humming with Joey Boots in the room. Gary said Pete is totally unaware when that's going on. Jillian said Jeff the Drunk is like that too. She said he's such a narcissist. Jillian said it's so wild when Howard gets into fights with these people. She said she finds them all so fascinating. Jillian said she and Sour Shoes talk over DM on Twitter. She said that he's called her on Good Day L.A. She said Tim Sabean came on the show the next day and said they can't have Sour calling her at work but she thought it made her day.
Jillian said she loved Meghan on the show today. She said she's incredible. She said she didn't know that the song was all about ass and tits. Gary said he didn't either. Gary said he only heard ''All about that Bass'' and today it was a whole different song. Jillian said Robin claimed she knew but she does that all the time. They went to break after that.
Jon said things can get tricky out in L.A. when you live out there. Jillian said she's an amazing young woman. She said she didn't know that she was as big as she is writing songs for so many people. Jillian said that Howard gets this information out of people and it's the best of everyone. Jillian said that the guests always have headlines after they appear on the show. She said you don't hear that stuff on any other show.
Gary said that Howard has such an appreciation for people who can play the way she does. Jon said that Meghan was told she needed a look but she had the talent. Jon asked Jillian about that because women can be so intimidated by that stuff. Jillian said that she's glad that Adele went against it. She said that she loves that Meghan broke down that wall. She said she's with the pop girls and all of those tiny cute girls. She said Meghan is great. She said she has curves and the industry is realizing that maybe it's good to come in all sizes.
Gary said he loves that she shopped that song around and people loved it but they didn't have a heavy set woman to sing it so they had to find a newcomer to do it and they weren't able to do that.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if that woman during the news was for real or was that a bit. Gary explained who he was talking about like people listening didn't hear the show. Gary said it was very reminiscent of the bits they used to do. Jillian agreed. She said that it was great when they used to do that. She said it was so much fun.
Gary said when they were at NBC this woman called in and said she wanted to talk to Jeff Linn from ELO. Gary said Fred got this great idea to just pretend he was in the hall and Fred talked to her for 20 minutes thinking it was him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Tzvi and Susan should be a regular thing on the show. He said it was hilarious. The caller also said he has a 10 year old daughter who loves Meghan Trainor and she listens to every word of ever song. He said she's comfortable in her body because of that song. He said it's amazing that she's cool with who she is. Jillian said that she tells her daughter the same thing. She said being weird is good. Jon said Meghan's first video has 1.3 billion views on YouTube. He said that's billion. They went to break a short time later.
Gary said that Eric the Midget used to bust Howard's balls about him being arrogant. He said none of the Wack Packers complained about Eric. Gary said he's not sure why Jeff complains about Bobo getting time. He said some people are off limits and get all the time they want. Jon said maybe they see each other as peers. Gary said it might be the way they see themselves. Jillian said Jeff is masturbating on Periscope. She said that's insane. She said she loves the gang of misfits they have on the show. She said she was so happy when JD was on.
Jon said JD wants nothing to do with Wolfie shadowing him. He said he had some backbone today when he went at Wolfie today. Gary said he wished he had done that with Wolfie because that was a pain in the ass. Jillian said Gary is such a good sport when it comes to that stuff. Gary said JD is the guy to do it to. He said he's taking a lot of what he used to at that age.
Jon said they were talking about the paint night JD went to. Jillian said she knows people who do that and it's very gay. She said it's mostly women who do it. She said she thinks that JD's girlfriend dragged him out to do that. Gary said no doubt. He said it's more about the drinking than the painting.
Jon took a call from a woman who asked about Wolfie and how some of the staff have a visceral reaction to him. Gary asked how she can tell. She said it was recently Sal and today it was JD and it Will came in with stuff. Jillian said one time on Twitter she followed Wolfie and he thought she didn't like him. Gary said that if he were there every day it would be a more level playing field. He said when you can hit a sniper you do it. He said today reminded him a lot about his big fight with Yucko. Jon thanked the caller for calling in. Jon said that Wolfie will be embedded with JD.
Jon asked Jillian what else she wanted to talk about. Jillian said that she loves Sal and Richard and she's obsessed with them. Jillian said that it was great when Sal reacted to being told he was Middle Eastern. She said that Richard is great and he's so kind. She said she wants to find love like theirs. She said both of them are home runs. Gary said Richard is their best ally when they prank Sal. He said Richard loves it when they do that stuff.
They spent a few more minutes talking about Howard getting hit with the hanger piece and all of that. Gary asked Jon if he had any of that. Jon said his dad was a big yeller. He said that when he got home he'd yell but he never got hit. Gary said his mother used to chase him with the vacuum cleaner pole and hit him with it while he was hiding under the bed. Gary said his mother once took the whole vacuum and threw it down the stairs at him. He said his father would get home and he'd just be so tired he'd tell him to do whatever she wants so they can get through it.
Jon asked Jillian if she ever had the switch thing. Jillian said that her dad was a yeller too. She said she never got hit but her mom would chase her. She said she was a hellion. She said she could never raise a hand to her own kids.
Jon said that it's a much different time now. Rahsaan said that you go to jail if you hit your kids. Jon said that's if they catch you. Gary said it's not about the pain, it's about the humiliation. He said his dad never hit him.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if there is anyone who creeps them out because Bobo seems like the kind of guy who could kill someone. Jillian said that Big Foot scares her. She said that she loves Beetlejuice and she saw him there when she was up there last year. She said that she was just glad Big Foot wasn't there. Gary said he feels like he's just so big that if he decided to turn on you he could. Jon said for the most part the Wack Pack are a loving group. Gary said he talked to the guy who hired Pete and he told him a story about inviting him to a party and he just stood around staring at people the whole time. Jon said he is Pete's biggest fan but he defies anyone to have him stand next to you for 8 hours. He said he gets where Joey Boots was coming from in that clip today.
Gary asked Jillian what it would be like if she got calls from Sour Shoes 7 days a week. She said she thinks she'd love it. She said that's how sick she is in the head. She said she gets giddy when she gets a DM from him. Gary said Sour would call him off the air and the interns had no idea who it was calling. He said they'd tell him the name of dead person calling and put him through.
Jon wrapped up and had Rahsaan give the details for today's Sternthology. They wrapped up and ended the show around 12:10pm.
Howard started the show talking about the great Adam Duritz since they had just played that Counting Crows song. Howard said that was a Grateful Dead song and Adam did it better than they did. Howard said he ran into Adam the other day and he's going back out on tour. Howard said he asked if he's sick of it and Adam said he loves it. Howard said if you don't love it then no one could ever love their job. Robin said it's the best job in the world.
Howard said he has a whole kitchen setup going on in there. Howard said they were talking about the Jim Bakker bucket of food thing the other day. Howard said Jim was off TV for a while but now he's back. Howard said Jim lost his ministry and now he's come back and he's gotten into raising money through the survivalist thing. Howard said he thinks that the North Koreans are going to use an EMP on us and wipe out our computers and electricity. Robin said good. Howard said he thinks that's good too. Howard said he will be able to jerk off to all of the old Playboys he has.
Howard played some audio of Jim Bakker talking about these survival buckets that he's selling. Jim claims that you just stack them up and hide them under cloth in your house. Howard told him to shut up. Howard said he has a big beard now like the Duck Dynasty guys.
Howard said they tell you all you need to do is add water to the food but it's bullshit. Howard said the stuff they had to buy to make the stuff is crazy. He said you need to heat water to make the food. Howard said if he's going to prepare for the apocalypse he's going to want easier stuff. Howard said you can't decorate your house with these buckets either. Robin said you can get cat litter in those kind of buckets.
Howard said he has JD and Ronnie cooking. They hadn't started yet. Howard said it's a nice kitchen setup. He asked what Ronnie is cooking. Ronnie said it's black bean burgers. He said he won't eat that shit. Howard said you know it's not going to be good. Ronnie was reading how to prepare it. He had to remove his glasses to read it. Ronnie said it's a cup and 2 teaspoons of water to make them. He asked who cares about the 2 teaspoons. Ronnie read it again because Howard thought he read it wrong. It was 2 tablespoons. You have to stir it and let it stand for 10-15 minutes. Ronnie said he thought it was going to be quicker. Howard said he's Wolfgang Suck.
Ronnie said then you have to get oil and cook them in a pan. Howard said that's what he was talking about. Howard asked JD if he's washed his hands. JD said he hasn't touched anything since he showered this morning. Howard asked if he has touched any equipment. JD said some. Howard asked if he's ever boiled water. JD said he has kind of. Howard said he's never boiled water. Howard asked if he knows how to do it. JD started to say that you do the ''oven top'' thing and put water on it. Howard asked how long JD would last in the zombie apocalypse.
Howard said you're better off buying cans of food. Robin said you have to form this stuff into patties and then cook it again. Howard said you have to look for water, frying pans and oil. He said this is total bullshit. Howard said he likes the woman who sits with Jim and encourages him. Robin said he always has that.
Jason came in and said that JD might cause a fire. He said he has a saucepan on top of a griddle on top of a burner. Howard said JD can't even boil water. Jason said all he had to do was hit a button and the water would have boiled in a minute. Howard said it's like watching the Three Stooges cooking.
Howard asked JD what he's making. JD said he's making Fettuccine Alfredo. He read the instructions to Howard and it sounded a little easier than Ronnie's burgers.
Ronnie said he poured the water into the shit and now he's mixing it up. Then he makes it into patties. Ronnie read the instructions again. He said it doesn't have to be heated. He said you let it stand for 10-15 minutes and then make it into patties and cook the patties.
Howard said this is the worst idea. He said you don't have anything you need to make this stuff if you're in an apocalypse. Howard asked who is buying these buckets? He said that you're better off eating JD than eating this stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they're using chemical cookers like the military uses. Howard said he doesn't know. The caller said that stuff will make them all sick. Jason said it's just an electric hot plate. The caller said they have stuff in the military MREs that can kill them. Howard said they're not using that. Howard said he just wants to taste the bean burger.
Howard said the guys just looked so happy performing. He said he watched it 5 times. He said it's just as good as the Jimi Hendrix performance. Robin said she doesn't know about that. Howard said it is. He said this could bring the country together. He said it makes you angry and want to kill stuff because it's Metallica. Howard said if they played this before we had to invade a country it would get you charged up. Robin said lets hope we don't have to invade a country.
Howard said that's beautiful. The crowd loved it. Howard said he was fascinated by that. He said he was watching it over and over again like a mental patient. Fred said he thought it was great too. He said they do it a lot. He said they've been doing it forever.
Howard played a clip of Sour Shoes doing his Mad Dog Russo voice mentioning that they have David Spade coming in today. Howard said the real Mad Dog is always excited that he's there. Howard said it's kind of embarrassing. Howard said he's glad Mad Dog is there too. Howard said he likes having him there. He said he always fist bumps him. Howard said he asked him if he hears Sour Shoes doing his impression of him and he has. Howard said Mad Dog likes the impression.
Howard said Sour Shoes calls there like 9 million times a day. He said he gives them his ''top noine'' songs. Howard played some audio of Sour leaving a message as Gary Dell'Abate. He was doing his Gary voice and sang a song as Gary. Howard said that's awesome. Howard played more of Sour Shoes giving his top noine songs.
Howard asked if his impression of Hanzi is good. Gary said he thought so. Howard played the clip of Sour doing his Hanzi impression and he asked how good that is. Robin said it's pretty good. Sour was doing the crazy rants that Hanzi used to go on.
Howard said Jeff the Drunk hung up on him yesterday. Howard said JD follows him on Periscope. Robin said she thought he was thrown off of there. Howard said he made a new account. Howard said there's a guy who is fucking with Jeff and calling SSI on him and things like that. Howard said he calls the cops to his trailer and all of that. Howard said this guy got Jeff thrown off Periscope and he had to make a new account. Howard said he was trying to explain to Jeff why he hangs up on him because he's boring and he hung up on him over that. Howard said Jeff was going nuts yelling about him on his Periscope yesterday. Howard said he was jealous if Medicated Pete getting an hour on the air. Howard said Pete is doing something for the show. He said Jeff doesn't do anything. Howard said he was trying to nicely say to Jeff he just calls in as calm Jeff and not even Drunk Jeff. Howard said he calls in saying Chello and then he has nothing else.
Howard played some audio of Jeff going off on him yesterday on Periscope. Jeff said he gets 5 minutes on the air and he's in and out. He said Pete is on and he gets an hour. He said he picks up on Bobo every fucking day and it's bullshit. He said fuck Bobo.
Howard said that's the Jeff they want on the air. He said he hangs up instead. He said it's wild that he's jealous of Medicated Pete. Howard said he loves that he's jealous. He said it's like Dog Shit being jealous of Horse Shit.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him to ban Jeff the Boring Drunk. He said Jeff owes everything to Howard. He said without his mommy he wouldn't even have a place to live. The caller said it's really irritating to him.
Howard had Jeff on the line so he put him on with the caller, Vince. Jeff said he's going to hang up. He told Vince to shut the fuck up. Vince was going off on him and Jeff hung up. Vince said Jeff doesn't want to face reality.
Howard said he was trying to put him on with him and he hung up. He said he doesn't like the agenda. Vince said he works his ass off every day for himself and his wife. He said his wife has lost some of her eyesight and she's got Lupus on top of that. He said she's in pain constantly. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go.
Howard played more audio of Jeff going off on him on Periscope. Howard said Jeff is saying that he's Periscope. Jeff claimed that he's the reason people come to Periscope. Jeff said Joey Boots is no good on Periscope. Howard said this is the funny Jeff the Drunk. He said he just gets ''Chello'' Jeff.
Howard said Jeff went off on JD on Periscope too. Jeff told JD to tell his boss something for him. He was asking Howard not to play some tape and he played it anyway. He said Howard Stern is a troll. He said he's the biggest troll in the world. He said he's the King of All Trolls. Howard said there's a lot of anger built up there. Howard said he'd hate to see how he'd be in a psychiatrist office. Howard said it might be time for a no Jeff the Drunk Summer.
Jason said all JD had to do was add the water to the packet and whisk and he didn't know what whisk meant. Ronnie said he was getting it all over the table too. Ronnie said JD's stuff will be ready at 7:40. Howard said he can't believe they bought that shit. He said the bucket was like $75. Gary said it's usually $150 but they got it on sale for 75. Howard said Ronnie looks like a genius because he can boil water.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has to tell him that the Jim Bakker thing is a waste. He said he bought some stuff from Dollar General last night that's easier to make. Howard said it does seem like it's kind of a hassle. The caller said that this should be as easy as making Ramen noodles for JD. Howard said he's right. JD said he went to Full Sail. The caller said he loves JD but the kids in the hall in his place know how to boil water and they're retarded.
Ronnie told JD how to cook his food and told him to leave it alone. JD said he just wants to do right. Howard said JD was raised by wolves.
Howard said JD loves eating and you'd think he'd learn to cook some things. Howard asked JD what he does for dinner. JD said they have prepared sandwiches and stuff at the store. He said he had a roast beef sandwich and chips last night. JD said he has a stove in the house but it only gets used when his girlfriend is in town. Ronnie told him to make Macaroni or something. JD said he has tried and it doesn't come out very good. Robin said they should get him cooking lessons.
The caller asked if Ronnie cooks. Ronnie said he does but not every night. He told Howard some of the stuff he cooks. Howard said JD is laughing. Ronnie said he makes egg white omelets, home made French fries and more.
Howard said that caller was on longer than Jeff the Drunk. Howard said he should take a break. They went to break after that.
Howard had Jeff the Drunk back on the phone. Howard said he's really fucked up. He said he feels bad for him. Jeff said he's fucked up because he treats him like shit. Howard said he gives him more attention than anyone on the planet. Jeff said he defends Howard. Howard said he doesn't need him to. Jeff said people always ask what he's like off the air and he tells people he's great. Howard said he's hardly met him off the air. Howard said he just thanks him for coming in. He doesn't know him. Jeff said he defends him all the time.
Howard said that Bobo gets treated like shit but he doesn't hang up like a baby. Howard said Bobo wants to talk to Jeff. Jeff said he doesn't want to talk to him. Bobo got on and said he treats Howard with respect and Jeff should do that. Jeff said the bottom line is that Bobo uses the show to get on General Hospital. Bobo said he paid for that. He said he was banned from the show for the summer. He said Howard should do the same to Jeff. Bobo said he cares about the fans and Jeff just wants to know when his next gift is coming.
Jeff said that people hate Bobo's guts. Bobo said they should have a poll about that. Howard told Jason to put a poll up.
Howard said this is weird but on the phone he has The Lump and Bobo's Toupee on at the same time. Howard picked up and talked to both of them about Bobo and Jeff. Howard spent a few seconds with them and then let them go.
Bobo said he put out rules about what makes a good caller to the show. Jeff said he doesn't know anything. He told Howard to hang up on Bobo. Jeff said he doesn't want his segment with that douche bag. Howard said at least Bobo has a plan when he calls in. He has a question. Bobo said Jeff is a baby. Jeff yelled at him to shut up.
Jeff said Howard was wrong about him yesterday. He said he didn't know why he was banned from Periscope. Jeff said they got back to him about it and he knows now. He said Shuli said he knew but he was talking out his ass. Shuli came in and said Jeff has fought with people on Periscope and blocked people. Jeff said he has. He didn't know why he was banned though. Howard said he jerked off on camera too. Jeff said that's not why he got banned. Shuli asked why he thinks he got banned. Jeff said it was for posting someone's number. He said he just found out yesterday at 3 o'clock.
Shuli said Jeff has to come up with something to do on the show to get more time on the air. Jeff said Shuli told him that Howard was sorry that Howard was such a grumpy mother fucker. Shuli said he never said that.
Howard asked who they think is leading the poll. They guessed it was Jeff but Howard said it's actually Bobo. Bobo asked when the poll closes. Howard said he'll close it before the Wrap Up Show. Howard said maybe they should keep it going all day.
Howard asked Richard why he won't try it. Richard said road kill is natural. He said this stuff is the opposite of natural. Howard said it smells alright. Richard agreed. Howard asked if he's sick. Richard said he has been yelling at the Royals since they're playing the Yankees this week.
Richard tried the food and it was fine. Howard asked Robin how her's is. Robin said it's fine. She said it tastes like noodles. Howard said it's not bad but his point is that you can just buy a box of spaghetti. He said he's not sure why this stuff is any better. Robin said the second bite has a bit of an aftertaste.
Jeff asked if he hung up on him. Howard hadn't hung up yet. Howard said he and Bobo should keep fighting. Bobo said Jeff is a piece of shit. He said that he can't keep calling the show worrying about how long he's on the show. He told him to worry about his own calls. Jeff gave him a ''Fuck you Bobo.'' Howard asked who is smarter out of the two. Robin said that Jeff might be smarter. Bobo as saying he was hit with ''Shrap-mel'' so they goofed on him about that. Bobo said he used to say ''Shrap-metal.'' Howard said that makes him sound less retarded.
Jeff told Bobo it's shrapnel. He said he'd a dodo. Bobo said he has done more with his life than Jeff has. He asked what Jeff has done. Robin said Jeff has been retired his whole life. Bobo said Jeff lives in a trailer. Jeff said that's not like it's the worst thing a human can do. Howard said Bobo has worked hard. Bobo said he retired at 57 years old. Howard said Jeff retired at 20.
Howard said this is like dinner and a show. The guys brought in the burgers that Ronnie cooked. Howard said it smells very spicy. Richard said it smells like chemicals. Howard said it tastes like the Fettuccine. Richard took a bite and spit it right out. Howard said Robin has to try it. Richard said it's like the consistency of a turd.
Robin tried the burger and spit it right out. Howard said the guys throw them out. Howard said it's gross. Howard said thanked the boys for cooking.
Bobo said that Gary changed his mind about the end of the world. He said he'd rather die than eat that shit. Howard asked Jeff if he had anything to say. Jeff told Bobo to fuck off. Bobo asked how bad you have to be to get thrown off Periscope. Jeff hung up before he could finish.
Howard let the guys go from the studio. Howard asked how the poll is going. Gary said Bobo is beating Jeff 53 to 47 percent. Gary said Jeff was at his douchiest today too.
Howard took a call from fake Donald Trump who said he was calling from Oregon. He called his fans toothless assholes and they cheered. Robin said it's amazing how he can do that. Howard said he insults them and they love it. Fake Donald said he can tell them he converted to Muslim and still get them to cheer. He did that too and had the crowd cheering for him. Fake Donald pulled down his pants and farted on the crowd next. Then he wiped his ass with the flag and they still cheered for him.
Howard said Donald better be careful against Hillary. Donald said that she's an old bitch that no one likes. He had Ted Cruz talking out of his ass there with him. Then he took a baby out of the crowd and shot it out of a cannon. Howard said they really do love him. Fake Donald threw a hand grenade out into the crowd next. Donald said it killed a bunch of the but they still love him. He said ''Right fuckwads?'' and they cheered. Fake Donald released feces on everyone and they still cheered. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard played the phony pone call where they called this woman who was getting wrong numbers from a steak house. Jessica Kirson was asking the woman to take reservations and orders for them. They had High Pitch Erik call the woman and make a reservation for 12. He asked for the specials and the woman made stuff up. Then they called her back and fired the woman who wasn't even working for the place. They went to break a short time later.
Shuli came in and said he just found out he doesn't have Marfan Syndrome. He said they don't know what he has. Howard asked to see the picture of Mike. Shuli said he was told he had Diamond Syndrome because it was something that no one else had.
Howard asked Mike if he lives at home and things like that. He lives at home and he's 25 years old. He had a girlfriend a while ago. Howard asked if he banged her. Mike said he did.
Howard asked what's on his mind. Mike asked him how his holiday went. Howard said he just saw his picture and he does have a strange looking head. He said it's thin and comes to a point. Robin saw it and said ''Oh my goodness.'' Mike said that's his hair style. Howard said he'd like to make a suggestion. He said when you have a thin head and put a point on it then you look like Zippy the Pinhead. Howard said he looks like a cartoon character.
Howard said don't do that anymore. Mike said he'll change it. Howard asked if he can hear okay. Mike said somewhat. Robin asked if he has normal intelligence. Howard said they tested him and he was smarter than High Pitch Erik. Mike said he finished high school and went to college for a year. He said he didn't like it.
Howard asked how many times he jerks off a day. Mike said he might do it 4 times a week. Howard asked what he beats off to. Mike said he beats off to porn on YouPorn. Howard asked where he cums. Mike said he does it in the bathroom. Howard asked if he brings the computer in there. Mike said he has wireless headphones and listens to it in the bathroom. He said he watches it and listens in his headphones. He said he jerks off and then stops and goes into the bathroom to finish. Howard said he likes this guy.
Mike told Howard about starting out in the warehouse and then moved up to Sales Administrator. Howard said Robin can understand him. Howard had trouble understanding him but she knew exactly what he was saying.
Howard said he heard Mike say he beats off in his room and when he feels like he's cumming he walks to the bathroom. Mike said he lives in the basement. He said he can do that down there. Howard said he finds it hard to believe he can hold off on finishing like that. Mike said that's what he does. Howard said he was imagining that his parents would catch him.
Howard played audio of Big Foot telling Shuli he cums on his stomach when he's jerking off. Bobo told Shuli that he cums on his wife's chest or in the shower down the drain. Howard said next is Elephant Boy. Howard said you have to pay attention to this one. Howard said Shuli kind of fucked this up. He said Shuli asked if he said he cums on his stomach and wipes it off. Howard played the clip and Elephant Boy told Shuli he finishes on his stomach and then rubs it. Then Shuli asked if he cums and then wipes it off. Howard said he's sure he said rub it. Robin said he says wipe it. Howard said he says ''Rub it.'' Shuli and Robin said he says ''wipe it.''
Shuli asked Elephant Boy where the weirdest place was that he jerked off was. Elephant Boy said in a theater on the floor.
Howard had a clip of High Pitch Erik telling Shuli where he jerks off. He does it into a toilet. He said that it all goes in the toilet. Howard said he's sure he doesn't miss. Shuli said it probably hits his legs. Howard said he shares that bathroom in his building. Howard said he thinks he jerks off on a picture of Donnie Wahlberg. Howard said Erik is so fat he finds it hard to believe he can do it at all.
Howard played King of All Blacks talking about how he has to keep his dick in his underwear and he rubs it on his leg. Then he finishes in his underwear and lets it dry in there. Howard said that's gross. He played more of that where King of All Blacks says that he gets horny in the rain so he might do it in his car. Howard said he's such a freak.
Howard played another clip where Aisha Tyler was lecturing people about relationships. Howard said she made a big statement in the middle of that. He said he was pounding the couch getting mad. Howard said they should have brought out Ozzy and gone full on crazy. Howard said that audiences is nuts.
Howard played another clip of Sharon talking about the great things Ozzy has given her in her life. She said she loves him. Sharon asked if there is a chance the marriage won't end. She asked it in that slow, robotic way. Fred played a clip of R2-D2 as Howard was doing his impression of Julie. Robin said maybe Julie had a stroke. Howard said maybe that's it. Howard did his impression of Julie asking a question as if she had a stroke.
Howard said that is Julie's serious voice. He said that's The Talk when Les loses his boner. He said Sharon needs to come in there and talk to them. Howard said Sharon doesn't even know what's going on with Ozzy. Robin said the right questions are ''When did you find out?'' and when did she confront Ozzy. Howard said that Ozzy must have realized that he was kicked out of his own house and went back. Howard said there was more but that's enough. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and sang along with the Foo Fighters for a second. Howard took a call from a guy who said Howard has talked about a few people lately and he wonders who he finds hotter, Taylor Swift or Gwen Stefani. Howard said Taylor is hot but sexually he'd think Gwen Stefani would be better. Howard said he watched the clip from The Voice with her singing with Blake and they were like teenagers. Howard said he figures she has to be awesome in bed. The caller said Taylor plays innocent. Howard said he thinks she's really innocent. He said she's like a fawn. The caller said Medicated Pete might break her. Howard said Gwen still looks good. He said he doesn't blame her for carrying on the way she is. Howard said she's all hurt by her ex husband and now she has Blake falling head over heels for her. Howard said he's afraid he's going to move on though.
Howard said he has to get David Spade in there. He said he tried to hook her up with Christina Aguilera. Howard said he can talk about that.
The caller said Howard should pick up on Jeff the Drunk and let him talk for 30 seconds and then give The Lump 30 minutes. Howard thanked him for the call.
Howard said David Spade is there and he's in a movie called The Do Over with Adam Sandler. He said it's on Netflix. Howard said Netflix is great. Robin said she has to catch up with that stuff.
Howard said that Sandler did that Ridiculous Six and it was great too. Howard asked David what the new one is about. David said that he's going right at it. Howard said he was telling the caller about the Christina Aguilera thing. Howard said they got to hang out. Howard said David was dating Lara Flynn and Stamos was there. Howard said they went up to did that thing he might not want to talk about.
David said that Aguilera night was crazy. Howard said they were in a car with Courtney Love and Tara Reid. Howard said he was newly single. He said he was like man on the town. David said Howard wasn't being really flirty. He said he was being good. Howard said he wanted to see what the Grammy Parties were all about. Howard said they were all shitty. David said they picked the wrong ones. He said he struck out. Howard said then they saw Christina Aguilera sitting alone on a couch and he tried to get David to go up to her. David said that Howard wanted to introduce him to her even though Howard didn't know her. Howard said she was so cute. He introduced himself and David and she blew both of them off. Howard said she was the only girl there and she blew them off.
David said a great move is when a guy comes up to him and introduces himself and then he introduces himself to all of the girls. David said he goes along with it though because he's nice.
Howard said David's book (Almost Interesting) just came out in paperback. He said he likes that book. He said he has some great stories in it about Saturday Night Live. Howard said one thing that he did was create the ''Buh Bye'' thing. Howard said that's the greatest thing you can do on that show. Howard asked if it's annoying when people say it to him. David said people said it to him for 10 years after that and he didn't mind it at all. He said he still loves it. David said he sees it a lot and people will also do the ''And you are...'' thing too. He said if you can have that it's a good thing to walk away with.
Howard said David is out on tour with Rob Schneider and Adam Sandler doing comedy. Howard said David used to hate Rob. David said he and Rob had a problem. He admitted that. Howard said David's perception was that Rob would hand in a script with his name on it after they had both worked on it. David said that happened. He said he was hanging on by a thread on that show and he had to do whatever he could to stay on. He said he didn't have a lot of impressions or anything. He said that was never his ultimate goal to be on that show but it came up and he took the job. David said that they had a 4 week trial before the new season started. He said Dennis Miller tried helping him and got him on the Young Comedian's Special and got him in with Lorne. David said he was told he got the job writing on Saturday Night Live. He said he didn't know how to do that.
David said he did 4 shows and the first was with Corbin Bernsen. He said he wrote something for Jan Hooks instead of for the host. He said that he had Jan calling Life Alert because she's bored. He said it got close to making it on air. Howard said it sounds funny. David said the host wasn't in it so it hurt a little bit. Then he wrote something with Rob and he didn't put his name on it. Howard asked if he can repair that whole thing. David said it all came back when he wrote the book. He said Rob does make fun of him on the road about that. David said Rob is all for that stuff. Howard asked if he had an excuse for doing that. David said he wrote in the book that they were both trying to be themselves and trying to be famous. Howard said that Rob got to be a big hit when he was the copy machine guy. Howard said David got jealous of that. David said that it means that he's out if Rob makes it big like that. David said they did those 4 shows and didn't get anything on. He said Rob didn't put his name on the sketch and he said he did that because he had gone home already.
David also said that Rob didn't tell him about a writer's meeting. David said he didn't have anything to rewrite but he was supposed to be there to throw out jokes for other sketches. He said they called him and asked him where he was. He didn't know he was supposed to be there. He said Schneider told him to hustle. Howard said now they're going out on a comedy tour together. David said Rob asks if he's going to bring his book and give them out.
Howard said David wrote that Phil Hartman threw Rob up against a wall to beat him up once. David said he can't believe he wrote this. He said there was an intern there who was cute and Phil knew her as family and Rob's girlfriend saw her and asked why she was so cute and working there. She wanted Rob to fire her so Rob did that without telling Phil and Phil threw him against the wall. He said Phil was the nicest guy in the world too.
David said he got sick working on Saturday Night Live. He said 6 months working in New York his hair color changed. He said he was eating crap and then he was hidden from the sun. He said he hated it.
Howard said when David started on Saturday Night Live he was on with Chris Rock, Adam Sandler and Chris Farley. Howard said David stuck around for an extra year. Howard said he wrote in his book how it was the stupidest thing he did. Howard said he was still there in school while the rest graduated. Howard said David talks about Will Ferrell coming in and going to lunch with him. David ate his whole lunch before Will even got there. David said he thinks he invited him because he was so funny. Howard said it was like he was the senior there. David said he was just hungry. He said he does that to his friends all the time. He said he has to eat and then he just hangs out and drinks. David said he told Will he ate and said he thought they were having lunch. David said that was his one thing with Will that he thought about doing because he wanted to be friends with Will.
Howard said David wrote about how he got flirty with Sinead O'Connor. Howard said he also hit on Ellen. David said that gaydar was going off in Japan. David said Sinead was a random talented person who was on the show. He said he thought she was sexy but she couldn't give a fuck about him. He said he was a writer doing promos. Howard said the craziness would never end with her. David said that she ripped up the picture of the pope and that didn't even bother him.
Howard said David wrote the sketch for Saturday Night Live where he and Sandler dressed up as women and worked at the Gap. He said he also had Nirvana on the show and the girls go back to meet the band and they get date raped. David said that's back when it was still legal. David said he remembers hearing stories in high school where a guy gets drunk and goes out with a girl and she comes in the next week saying ''You got me.'' David said he came up with the idea for the girls going back stage and they run out screaming when the band hits on them. David said he wrote the bit and they tell the band about it. They passed on it. David said they called Skid Row instead. He said it was still funny but not a 10 out of 10. David said it turns out they didn't even ask Nirvana to do it.
Howard said David knows how to make show business friends. Howard said he saw him at the Laker's game recently. Howard said that was when Flea was there playing. David said that was a joke. He said he sent out a Tweet with a picture of him from 9 years ago with Anthony Kiedis there. Howard said David gets to know everyone. David said he hears people on this show and likes them more. He said most people are nice. He said that some are chilly but most are nice.
Howard said he got the chill from Jennifer Lopez when he was talking to Marc Anthony. David said he saw Taylor Swift at the 40th anniversary. He said she's very talented and people like that. He said it makes her more attractive. David said that he doesn't run across all of those people much.
David said Dave Chappelle asked him to go to a club the other night. He said he was about to go home after doing a set at the Comedy Store. He said he was beat and he was ready to go home. David said he ended up not going and then it was Gigi Hadid's birthday. He said that it was everyone famous who is under 25. He said Chappelle went there and he was called their chaperone. David said that would have been him if he had gone.
Howard asked David about the bit he did about Coachella. David said it was Charlotte McKinney. Howard said David did this thing where he lets people into Coachella. David said it's on FunnyOrDie. Howard asked what the deal is over there. David said that's where girls go to try on clothes and take pictures. Howard said it's not about the music. David said not at all. He said you're in L.A. or 3 hours away from it and it's the same people and same coke dealers staying up all night taking Instagram pictures.
David said that things are crazy now with the girls. He said the girls will go to Coachella for a full week. He said some girls go to Cannes for two weeks and they're not in a movie. He said the girls are like hybrid prostitutes. He said they'll ask for money to fix their radiator or something. David said some of the girls are having sex with the guys for the trip. David said if he gets a private jet it's a miracle. He said that some of the girls have never set foot on Jet Blue. He said the girls will get a private plane to Disney World with 7 of their friends.
Howard asked David about when they'll be doing the comedy show in New York. David said it's coming up in May in Brooklyn. He said Norm and Nick Swardson will probably show up for that. David said that they're doing DC, Boston, Connecticut, Chicago and Santa Barbara. David said he told Adam to come do guest spots when he's out on the road. Howard said David must have a whole hour. Howard asked if Schneider has an hour. David said they all have an hour. He said that Chris Rock will show up too. He said it's fun to hang out with everyone. He said Adam did like 10 minutes to practice. He said it's hard to practice for 3 months and then to an hour. He said you have to make mistakes and bomb. He said he feels that someone is taping you all the time. David said that Sandler did like 20 minutes the next time and then 40 minutes. He said Adam goes on first.
Howard asked David how they decide who goes on first. He said he knows he wrote in his book about how you judge by how much you're making on the road. David said he was making like 3,000 a night and Dana Carvey was making like 10,000. He said that Adam was making 3 but then it kept going up. He said he was still making 3 while Adam shot up to 10.
David said that just about everyone on Saturday Night Live was better than him. He said they had so many great people working on the show. He said that he didn't know how he was still there. He said everyone had so many moves and he couldn't believe how fast people think.
Howard said he is glad that David sends him emails. He said they're funny. He said he can't go out and do that stuff. He said he finds it exhausting. David said Howard is normal off the air. He said he tries not to be too jokey when he's out. David said he was out one night and Vidal Sassoon was at Brad Grey's house. He said he came in late and he sat down and started yammering away. He said he was nervous and looked at Martin Short and said ''I came in a little hot, didn't I?''
Howard said he went to a party and everyone there was ripping it up. He said he stayed quiet. David said Vidal Sassoon was there drinking and he puts his red wine glass down on the white carpet and it spills. He said he yells at Brad ''I told you not to invite him!'' and he got crickets. He said no one laughed. Howard said that's funny though.
Howard said what's weird is that David was jealous of Adam's relationship with Robert Smigel. Howard said that he's honest about all of that stuff in the book. David said he says the word jealous but it's the only good word for that. He said he saw Lorne last night. He said he saw Jimmy Fallon too. He said that he did a set on Fallon and he was a little rough. He said he was telling a joke about going to Macy's to buy socks and they still have sizes on them like 6-13 and he's glad they don't have condoms sized like that. He said there's nothing like a droopy rubber and things like that and he saw Jimmy react to that. He said that might not be for his audience.
David said he told another joke about skiing and he told some racy jokes and no one really cared. He said Jimmy couldn't give a shit. He said he did ask if he could say the word ''dick'' and they hesitated. He said that they say it on shows all the time now. David said some girls have big fake boobs and some girls want to get breast reductions. He said that he likes girls who have small boobs and a flat chest... and a dick.
David said he asked Chris Rock how he does shows like that. He said it's a courtesy to tell them what you're going to do. He said Chris told him that if they tell him not to do a joke that's the joke he opens with. David said that his jokes are stupid but some guys do personal stuff. He said Chris once asked Letterman where the girl interns were. He said they told him not to say that but it killed and he got a lot of attention. He said then they want him on again. Howard said it eats at your soul but you can't help yourself. David said that you do it for yourself.
Howard said David was talking about a woman who was sneezing constantly on the flight to New York. David said she was in full Zika mode. David said he asked if she's allergic to Coach because he is. David said she was sneezing and then coughing. He said he wasn't sure if he should go right to the hospital. He said he knew he had Zika and he wanted to know how to treat it.
Howard asked if he's worried about his health for the tour. David said he's not really a germ guy. He said that he grew up white trash and he survived. He said he doesn't go nuts about that stuff. Howard asked if he talked to people on the plane. David said he has his buddy Adam with him. He said he didn't talk to anyone. He said they do a few selfies with people. He said sometimes he'll get people who know him as Joe Dirt and they'll get him all the extra bread he wants. David said some guys will come over and over help. He said they'll ask if they can do anything and he'll ask for A-1 sauce.
Howard asked if he's going to see Oldchella. David said he probably will. Howard gave him a plug for ''The Do Over.'' Howard said it's out on May 27th. David told Howard what the movie is about and who is in it. Robin said David did that movie with Sophie Marceau. David said doing a comedy with an accent can be kind of clunky. He said that he had to kiss her in a scene and she told him to just kiss like he kisses his girlfriend. He said he touched her face and she asked the director to tell him not to touch her face. He was just an inch from her when she asked the director. David said they have a dog in the movie and he called Sophie as one of the crew and asked her to bring the dog back that she took. He said she didn't have the dog and she told him she didn't have it. David said he told her they know she has it. Then he stared laughing and told her it was Spade. She said she told him she doesn't have the dog. She didn't get it.
Howard said David talks about being 50 and how that's not cute. David said it's going to be bad when he's still single at 50. Howard said he tells the Eddie Murphy story in his book too. David talked about going to the Rolling Stones concert and he's with all of his buddies and Eddie Murphy is a couple of rows behind him. He said this was right after the Eddie Murphy thing happened. He said he told the story to his buddies and they said he had his back but they really didn't. Howard said David talks about it so that's great.
David said that he wanted Beth to get Howard to try to trick Howard into going to a show by telling him there's a cat there whose leg was stuck in a bear trap. Howard said Beth is so bad at texting that she texted him instead of texting David back.
Howard said maybe he'll come to the show. He said he would like to see Sandler and Rob do stand up. David said Rob usually hosts it. He said he gets everyone going right away. Howard said he loves Norm too. David said it's a bunch of different guys so once you're bored with him there's another one.
Howard asked who is in charge of the money. David said they ask him if he'll do it for this amount and he does it. He said he doesn't know what the rest of them make. He said he has no idea what they got paid to do Grown Ups. He said it keeps him sane not knowing. He said you have to put the blinders on and ignore it.
Howard asked if he shot a pilot for Tina Fey. David said he did and he thought it was good. Howard said he likes to go on shows that are already going. David said he does. He said that he did Rules of Engagement and Just Shoot Me after they shot the pilots. He said they wanted to add him. Howard asked if he ever worries about taking the show down. David said he did join that show with John Ritter. He said Kaley Cuoco was on that. He said they got picked up for another year but then they stopped it before they would have gone into syndication.
Howard said in his book David talks about experiencing a ''rank beaver'' when he was 19. David said this book sounds really good. David said this girl had a huge bush. He said that apparently captures odor. He said that the panties were huge back then too. He said there was even more room for bush. David said the hair was probably 7 inches long. He said her underwear looked like an airbag. He said he took her panties down and it was like that smell wafting up in Bugs Bunny. He said it was like a bug bomb went off in his house. He said he didn't say anything to her. He said he went out with her again and it happened again. He said he couldn't do it again after that. He said something was wrong down there.
Howard asked when he was with a girl who had pubes. David said they're still around. He said just look on the toilet seat in a public bathroom. David said 10 years ago the girls thought that guys wanted it because it makes them look like a 10 year old. David said that he ends up arguing with women about it still. He said he asks them if they want a bald dick. He said they always say no.
David said that whole Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton relationship is weird. He said they are eye fucking each other all the time. David said he's not sure how they're that happy so fast. Howard said he thinks it's how Gwen broke up. David said it's unbelievable. He said no woman will ever love him that much. He said we get it that they're in love and then they say they're even more in love. He said it's not possible.
Howard said David's brother used to sign David's name to speeding tickets. He said David was out on a date one night and he gets pulled over and he gets arrested because his brother had written his name on the ticket. David said his brother Andy was a dick. He said he claimed he did it one time. David said that Andy had so many tickets he had a warrant. He said the girl he was with was a cheerleader at Arizona State. David said he was doing stand up and he was in a fraternity and they were hazing the shit out of him. He said they made him do his act for them over and over.
David said he signed up for the frat thinking that they were his friends. He said the next day they're making him do weird shit. David said one day his brother came in and asked if they were treating him like crap and asked if he wanted ice. He said he did so his brother yells that this pussy wants ice. He said then the guys made the other pledges do push ups while he ate his ice.
Howard said David's step=dad had PTSD and he'd wake up in the middle of the night looking for the enemy. He said they ignored it until one night he got up and shot a hole in the closet. David said his dad tapped out when he was about 4. David said he would show him things from the war like old X-rays with nails in the head and things like that. He said he got a rifle and a shotgun for his birthday on year. He said he asked for a Nerf gun. He said that his step dad would wake them up and have them look for the enemy around the perimeter of the yard. Then he shot a hole in the roof. He said years later he killed himself. David said his mother said that she had knocked the gun out of his hand that first time. She also said that his father and his father's father and his brother had done the same thing. David said that's something you should ask about on the first date.
Howard asked if it's true his mom would drop him in the middle of the desert when she didn't find a babysitter. David said she's make them walk while she was out doing her thing. Howard said maybe this is why he never got married. Howard said he might have intimacy issues. Howard said maybe he can't fully commit. David said he's damaged goods and everyone would admit that. David said he's hunt and eat out in the desert. He said that it's kind of crazy to leave 3 kids out there shooting guns. He said it all worked for them and no one died.
Howard said that David is in The Do Over on Netflix. Robin asked what the movie is about. David said the movie is good. He said he plays it straight in this one. He said he's not the usual Yosemite Sam character. David said he's the straight man to Sandler's character. He said he is the dip shit working at a store and Sandler is the king. David said his job sucks and he drives the same car from high school. He said that he wishes he could do it over so Sandler kidnaps him. He said they do it over. David said that he has a threesome scene and it's really embarrassing. He said he has to take his shirt off. He said it's him and Luis Guzman with a chick.
Howard asked how many films Adam gets to do with Netflix. David said that it's great that he got to do one. He didn't say how many it is. David said it's good for all of them. He said they all have a pretty good time doing stuff together.
Howard said the stand up tour is called The Do Over Comedy tour. Howard gave him a plug for his Twitter which is @DavidSpade. David said it's harder to think of jokes for Twitter than it is for Instagram. David said he's heading back to L.A. after this. He did Fallon and Howard's show and that's it. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that. They played Chris Martin performing ''Viva La Vida'' in the Howard Stern Show studio, a JD song parody and an Ass Napkin Ed tip as they went to break.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Hanzi impression. He was snoring at first. Then Sour did his Hanzi going off on Howard voice. He had Hanzi yelling at him for banning him. Howard played the ''No Hanzi'' theme song after that.
Howard said he guesses Sour isn't working. Sour said McDonald's hired him actually. He said he was fooled by them because he really put applications in. He said he's on Saturdays from noine to 12. He said Ronald McDonald was there last week. Gary said he wears that weird blond wig to work. Howard said he isn't allowed to handle food there. Sour said the manager used to work at Roy Rogers. He got him the job there. Howard asked if he's the guy they hire as a charity thing. Sour said yes. Howard said it seems like he's a charity case. Sour said he has worked the Fryalator before.
Sour said he left the Tartar sauce gun in the dining room and he got in trouble when his friend started spraying it. Howard asked if he does an impression of Ralph. Sour did one and he had Ralph's laugh down. The voice wasn't there but the laugh was. Howard said he has so many good ones that they can't criticize. Sour did his Jeff the Drunk voice too. Howard said he has to do the yelling Jeff. Sour did some of that.
Howard said he ran into Mad Dog and he loves his impression. Sour was doing his Mad Dog but Howard said he's out of time so he has to let him go.
Howard played the clip JD gave him and Harry Reid was talking about how Howard Stern and Donald Trump treat women. He said now he's a misogynist. Howard said the democrats were the worst with trying to get him shut down by the FCC. Howard said that's his problem with them. He said he thought they'd be for free speech but they really want to control it. Howard told Harry Reid to fuck off. He said he thinks they got Trump to say the other day if he knew he was going to run for President he never would have done the show. Howard said he's going to get hit by the ''shrap-mel'' as Bobo would say.
Robin started her news with a story about some celebrities who are thinking about stopping doing selfies with fans. Robin said Amy Schumer got into it with a fan recently and she has stopped taking selfies with anyone. Robin said Justin Bieber is getting in on that now too. Robin said he says he doesn't owe anyone anything. Howard said he won't do selfies either but it has everything to do with his looks. He said if he was Brad Pitt he'd do it but he doesn't look good. He said he didn't even take one with Spade today. Howard did a live commercial read a short time later.
Robin read a story about a woman who claims to have a Virgin Mary statute that cries. Robin said she claims it just started crying when her cousin was killed. Howard said nothing cool like that ever happens to them. He said the Gary Puppet is over there and it never cries. He said the Beetlejuice head might be crying.
Robin read about a new product that creates a second skin to hide the signs of aging. Robin said it's made from a safe material and no one has developed an allergic reaction. Howard said he won't put that shit on his skin. Robin said she won't either.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said there's big news about Steve Martin coming on the show on Monday. Robin said that's who she thought he was talking about yesterday. Mariann said Steve is wondering how much he should pay him to visit. Howard said Mariann isn't good with a joke. Howard had to explain the joke. Mariann was freaking out and told everyone not to call her on Monday when Steve is in. Howard hung up on her in the middle of that.
Robin read a story about someone who drank a bottle of Dr. Pepper with a dead rodent in it. Robin said it's being tested by the family and Dr. Pepper is saying the want it tested by a qualified lab. Robin said they say it's improbable for a rodent to get into a bottle. Robin said every case she's ever read about has been tampering. Howard said he hates to break it to you but the rat is the healthiest part of that drink.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up The Voice and thought he had been watching it. Howard said he's not watching it. The caller asked if he's seen some of the America's Got Talent ads. Howard said he has because people send him the promotional material. Howard said it feels weird. He said it's like when you're in a relationship and you break up. He said then you see her with another dude. Howard said it feels weird. The caller, Apples, asked if he wants to see him fail. Howard said it won't fail. He said he has talked about this a million times. He said it's the same story. He said Simon was dishonest with him about going behind his back trying to take his job. Howard said it was a dick move and he doesn't dig the guy but he thinks things will be fine with him on the show.
Apples asked if Marissa Tomei is too young to play Aunt May in Captain America. Robin said he's kind of spoiling it for Howard. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go.
Howard said Beth asked him about Simon the other night. He said he really doesn't care. He said he's being as honest as he can. He said that he thinks Simon saw how he boosted the show a bit and he got envious. Howard said he never wanted to do it before but then he saw him on it and then he wanted in. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Kelly Ripa talking about Michael Strahan leaving Live. Robin said she was in People magazine talking about this. Howard said she should come in there to talk about it. Howard said he gets the vibe that they hate each other. Gary said a story came out this morning saying that she has had her dressing room door closed since he announced he's leaving. She used to leave it open before the show.
Robin read a story about Jon Bon Jovi opening up a center in Toms River, New Jersey to help with hunger and poverty. Robin said the center is called BEAT which stands for Bringing Everyone Together.
Robin read a story about a 70 year old woman who is a mother for the first time. Robin said her husband is 79. Robin said they've been married for 40 years and they've been childless all this time. Robin said they did IVF for 2 years and she gave birth on April 19th. Robin said she's not sure how she had an egg in there. Robin said they claim it's her egg. Robin said she doesn't worry about their ages and they think everything will be fine. The husband thinks if they die before their son comes of age God will take care of him. Robin said they live in India. Howard said a kid needs its mother. He said this isn't right. Robin said they're already overpopulated over there in India and now they're having kids at 70. Robin read about some other women around that age who have given birth.
Robin read a story about a woman who is celebrating her 100th birthday by pole dancing. Robin said this woman is in Virginia. Robin said this woman is doing the poll dance for her friends and family. Howard said Ronnie is excited. He said it sounds gross.
Robin read about a cat that is in the Guinness book of world records for being the oldest cat alive at 30. Howard said he has to tell Beth that. He said that he tells her cats can live to 15. Robin said she's known some that have lived to 21. Robin said this cat has been to 45 of the United States with its owner.
Robin asked Howard what the most popular chicken company is in this country. Howard said he thinks it's Chick-Fil-A. Robin said he's right. Robin said they're opening them in New York now and the mayor is asking them not to give them business. Robin said they have an anti-gay philosophy so some people are saying they should turn it into a gay hangout. Howard said then it'll become a place that no one will go. Howard asked about the guys there who eat at Chick-Fil-A. Jon Hein eats there. Jon said it's a great chicken sandwich and the waffle fries are good. He said he didn't feel very good about their politics but the chicken sandwich is really good. He said he has it once a week or so. Howard asked if they supported ISIS. Jon said it's hard. He said he's thinking of moving into the city and looking at Trump apartments and people give him shit about that. He asked where you draw the line. He's going to keep eating their food.
Robin read a story about how Prince's doctor is being investigated. Robin said Prince visited him a day or two before he died. Robin said he was prescribed some medication. Robin said Prince was visiting the doctor quite often. Robin said he was going to start a treatment for an Opioid addiction. Robin said he had pain in his hips from performing and she read that he didn't go along with doctors who said he could get a hip replacement. He was a Jehovah's Witness and they don't allow blood transfusions so he didn't do it. Robin said Gene Simmons also said it was pathetic that Prince died the way he did. Robin said Gene is apologizing for saying that now. Robin said the autopsy report hasn't been released yet.
Howard said he was watching the new Dice show and it's really funny. He said Dice goes to a bachelor party and instead of thinking he's Dice they think he's Gene Simmons. Howard said he was giggling about it last night and Beth wondered what he was laughing at. Howard said he told her what it was he was laughing at. He said he doesn't really giggle alone like that. Howard said he was laughing at this show and Beth thought it was odd. Robin said she laughs alone too. Howard said he thought maybe he was weird. Robin said it's not weird.
Robin said there are 700 people who are claiming they might be related to Prince. Robin said one man claims he is Prince's son and deserves to be his soul heir. Robin said it'll be interesting to see if that's true. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about mosquitos and how people can trap them. Robin said they cut down on them over the winter in Puerto Rico with some bucket traps. Robin said they say the trap is a bucket of water, hay and glue. Robin said it's very inexpensive to create.
Robin said the US Postal system is still bleeding. She asked how long this can go on. Howard said he loves that we can mail a letter and it will get to someone. Robin said the postal service is claiming a 2 billion dollar loss. Howard said in this country we can mail a letter and it gets there. He said in Italy the letter won't get there. Robin said they say the USPS can return to stability with a new rate system. Howard asked what a stamp costs now. Fred said it was 61 but he thinks it just went down.
Robin read a story about bullying and how many kids are affected by it these days. Robin said it's on the rise. Howard said he was bullied his whole life. Gary told Howard the stamp is 47 cents down from 49.
Howard said Benjy issued a statement about the transgender bathroom issue. Howard said he's read it and doesn't understand it at all. Benjy said Howard has talked about how you have to be sensible about it. Benjy said the governor was fighting against a bill that said any bathroom has to allow this. He didn't like that. Howard said he knew this was going to be confusing. Benjy asked if he has a problem with a private establishment saying who can use which bathroom. Howard said if someone believes they are a woman then they go to that bathroom. Howard said this was working just fine so he's not sure why they're messing with it. Benjy said if they have this issue there is no definition of what a gender is. Howard asked what he's saying. Benjy said if they find it necessary they have to have a birth certificate to say what you are. Benjy said anyone can get that. He said he thinks it's stupid and the government shouldn't be involved.
Howard asked Gary why he got him into this. Gary said the bottom line is Benjy thinks anyone should be able to use any bathroom. Howard said he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Howard said if he read his statement on Facebook it would confuse Robin too. Benjy kept going and Howard said take it up on Monday. Howard said he's tired and just wants to go home.
Robin said Bobby Jindal is endorsing Donald Trump. Robin had some audio of him saying he doesn't like Donald but he thinks he's better than Hillary Clinton.
Robin had some audio of Trump talking about how he's thinking about who he'll have as his Vice President running mate. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about that. Robin had some Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton news that she went though too.
Robin read a story about Stephen Curry, an NBA player, who received all votes to be the MVP. Robin had some audio of Curry talking about his win.
Robin read a story about a list of clergymen who have been accused of sex crimes. Howard said he's still reeling from Benjy's explanation. Benjy wanted to explain again. Howard said do it in one sentence. Benjy was going to but he was asking questions and got back into it with Howard. Benjy said he could say he feels like a woman and he would be allowed in. Howard said he blames Gary for this. He said he's the one who got him into it. Howard said he was almost done. Gary said he thought he would get to it faster. Benjy continued and said that bathrooms should be unisex.
Robin said that Tom Brady put out a cook book that costs $200. Robin said Amazon is starting a video service that will allow people to earn royalties. Robin said you can rent or own the videos or watch for free with ads. Robin said the people who upload get a 55 percent share of the ad revenue.
Robin read about the best pizza in the world being in a little town in Italy. Robin said they polled over 1000 experts and this place called Pepe Ingrane near Naples won. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Scott Ian was sitting in so he said he's a fan of Jeff's. Jon said that Dr. Drew is also sitting in. Drew said he's sitting on every click to see who wins. He said he's been such a superfan lately that he's becoming Jillian Barberie. He said that he agrees with everything she says.
Jon asked Drew who he thinks is hated more. Drew said it's Bobo. He said that he thinks Jeff won't be around much longer. Jon said they'll have the poll up all day today if you want to vote. Gary said he thinks he's banking on a big comeback today.
Jon said he wants to start things off talking about the Jim Bakker Survival Bucket Cook Off. Jon said the joke was that this food can't be cooked easily. He said it turns into JD not knowing how to boil water. Gary said he thought it was a joke. Gary said that JD is afraid he's going to burn the place down. Jon said he thinks that JD just eats pre-made food all the time. Gary said at some point he had to have boiled water. He said that there are things you have to do that aren't even food related. Jon said his theory is that he is scared of hurting himself or setting the place on fire. He said he avoids it if he can. Jon said he thinks JD is scared. Jon said he didn't know how to do it and he was embarrassed.
Gary said they had to explain that putting the lid on the pot would make it boil faster. He said they had a boiling pot for him to use but he didn't know how to use that. Jon said JD can't come through and he needs to rely on someone else. Jon asked Scott if he was surprised by the boiling water thing. Scott said he was surprised. Jon said Ronnie is like the chef of the future. He was able to cook but not read the instructions.
Gary said there are a lot of holes in JD's life. He said they just recently found out about the sheets and the boiling water. He said he's sure there are more things they don't know about yet. Rahsaan asked if he knows how to tie his shoes. Gary said he wonders if JD knows you should leave a tip in a hotel room. Drew said no way he knows that. Scott wondered if he knows how to put his seat belt on when he's on a plane.
Gary said JD is more clamped down now that he has a girlfriend. Jon said JD didn't know how to hold a fork correctly. He said they had to teach him how to do that. Gary said JD has been living on his own for a long time. Drew said that's no explanation. He said he was out of that house with no skill set. Jon said he is a good guy and he has a job on the Howard Stern Show so he's doing fine.
Jon said Ronnie was telling him how he prepares food at home. He said it's surprising. Drew said Ronnie is looking more and more sophisticated lately. He said they might find out he has some other life they don't know about. He said he looks like an international man of mystery. Jon said he thinks Ronnie would like to hear that. They went to break a short time later.
Jon talked about the squad discussion they had today and he asked Scott if he has one. Scott said he doesn't. Drew said he doesn't like it at all either. They spent a little more time talking about the squads that have existed over the years.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to make the comment that he doesn't think people hate Bobo, they love to hate Bobo. Gary said he agrees with that. He said Bobo is harmless. Drew said Bobo's whole thing is being annoying. He said Jeff is unpredictable and bizarre. The caller he voted for Jeff in the poll.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks Bobo's calls are great. He said he's been calling for about a year now and his calls really suck. He said he called the other day and Howard and Robin got bored with his call. He said he loves Bobo. Gary asked if they think people like Bobo's calls like people like Ed Wood movies. He said they're so bad you just have to watch. Scott said maybe they do like that.
Drew asked if Howard has become less tolerant of Mariann lately. Gary said she goes from 0-60 and she's always screaming about Simon Cowell.
Jon said when you hear about Jeff the Drunk on Periscope you get the fun Jeff but when he's on the air you don't get that. Gary said Jeff was a buzz kill for a while. Drew asked if he's more drunk in the morning. Gary said he doesn't think he's drinking. He said he thinks that he might be stoned though.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that his uncle spent $50,000 on Oldchella tickets and he can come sit with him. He asked Gary about the Oldchella concert and about the bands that are performing. Gary talked about who he's seen lately and how they're still great. Scott said he thinks they're all going to step up their game for the show because of who they're playing with. Scott said it should be a great show for fans who like those bands. He said he's not much of a festival goer himself.
Gary said it's going to be the most heavily reviewed show they've ever done. He said everyone is going there to pick on them so they have to pick up their game.
Drew said he hates Coachella. He said it's hot and a mess. He said a lot of people don't even go to see the music. He said they just hang out getting drunk and stoned. They went to break a short time later.
Jon asked what he thought about Medicated Pete and what he was doing yesterday when he was repeating after Howard. Drew said he has a neurological thing going on and he can't help it. He said he's not sure about Sour Shoes either. He said he's fascinating. Gary asked if there is a name for being able to mimic anyone they hear. Drew said he'd have to look it up. Gary said that he wonders if he has the thing that Marilou Henner has where she remembers everything. Drew said he met her in like 1979 and she remembers what she was wearing that day.
Jon took a call from a guy who said they have to get a webcam on Sour Shoes at McDonald's. He said it would be the most in depth thing. Gary said he looks like a serial killer with that wig on. Jon said he goes to McDonald's a lot and he can just imagine him being there. Jon said Howard asked him today if they hired him out of pity and he said they did. Drew asked if he could talk to his mom or parents. He said he'd like to figure out what the hell happened to him. He said he sounded like he was a normal guy but then he went off the rails. He wondered if his family is in denial about the whole thing. Gary said why work on it now. Drew said they should work on it for future generations. Drew said he's serious about doing that.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they want to take a bet that JD doesn't know how to use dental floss. Scott said he doesn't think he does. Rahsaan said he thinks you learn that at 4. Gary said he hates to do this but JD was the one guy they had to speak to about his breath. He said he fixed it. Gary said he did fix it but his breath was bad and they had to have that conversation. Scott said maybe he does floss now.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what JD is going to do when Howard is done. He said he watches TV for a living and reports to Howard. Jon said that is a skill. He said that he is very good at what he does there. He said he's an excellent media producer. Jon said he's very bright when it comes to that world. Gary said it's not just pulling things but thinking about how they can be funny. He said it can be used on many shows. He said he knows they like to bust balls but he thinks everyone will have a Post Howard life but it won't be as big as Howard.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she's been listening about the doomsday prep stuff. She said they moved to the mountains and they have solar power and all of that. She said they can't do what they can do where you can boil water and have wood and all of that. She said it's a fun bit but you have to be prepared. Gary said he gets that but in a rural area does she think everyone will have their skillets and all of that. The caller said that they have it all out where they are. She said they can be self sufficient if they have to be. She said that Jim Bakker is just cashing in on this thing that's been going on for years. Jon asked how much they've spent preparing for doomsday. She said they own their farm and they spent maybe 90,000 on the solar farm. She said they have animals there and they can live if they have to. She said if the shit hits the fan they can live for a while.
Gary said he'd put down the bare minimum if he was preparing for the apocalypse. She said that they like not owing a dime to anyone. Gary said that is peace of mind.
Jon asked Rahsaan how the poll is going. Rahsaan said it's the same with Bobo in the lead with 57 percent. Gary said this poll was Bobo's idea too. Rahsaan plugged today's Sternthology and Jon wrapped up after that. They were done around Noon.
Jon brought up Medicated Pete and showing his penis this week. Jon asked how much time they think they could spend with Pete. Gary said he likes the guy but if you ask him what's up he doesn't really volunteer any information. He said he never gives it to you. Jon said he gives you an empty stare too. Gary said his eyeballs seem huge too. Jon said he thinks that's just from him staring at you.
Jon said Pete has nothing to do so he hangs around there a lot when he comes in. Jonathan asked if he got a look at his piece. Gary said he did. He said it's big but it wasn't the snake he thought it might be. Jon said he's no Jonah Falcon. Gary said Jonah is a guy who does a cable TV show and he has a huge dick he shows to everyone.
Liam said if he had a huge dick he'd never develop a personality either. Jon said that it explains it all. Gary said he thinks he's going to end up in jail because he thinks the only way to get a girl is to show his dick.
Jon said he hopes Pete finds a nice girl and they can settle down. Gary said he was in a relationship and he wasn't sure about it. Jon said her parents knew he wasn't the right one for their daughter so that's why that ended.
Jon said Pete changed his song from Purple Rain to U2's ''One.'' He said he thought he did a great job with it. Gary asked if he retired it to honor Prince or was he tired of it. Jon said he thinks he's an artist and he had to move on. They spent a little more time talking about Pete before moving on.
Jon said they heard from Sour Shoes this week with the phony phone call they made to him. They also learned that he got a job at McDonald's. Jonathan said he wouldn't have believed that was a real call if Howard hadn't said it was. Jon said Jonathan does a ton of impressions so he knows what it's like Jonathan said that was like Mel Blanc. Jon said he always speaks in phrases that Gary has already said when he does the Gary voice. He said it's that kind of stuff that makes the impression work. Jonathan said he tried to do Vince Vaughn and he had to get the breathing down. Gary said Sour can imitate almost everyone on the show but he can't really go to a show and do impressions of them. Jon said he might be able to do any guest who has appeared on the show too so he might be able to do Maury Povich and Meghan Trainor. Gary said he got Ralph's laugh down but not his voice. Jon said he thinks he'll develop that one. Gary said when he does a good Jon Hein he'll be blown away. Jon said he's sure he'll be able to do it. They went to break a short time later.
Jon gave Liam some plugs and asked where he is on the impression thing. Liam said he doesn't do impressions. He said every comedian he respects does impressions off stage even if they don't do them on stage. He said he can't even do that. He said he feels like an idiot and thinks maybe he's not that good.
Jon said they were talking about Wack Packers earlier and one of them got Liam through some tough times. Liam said he had to quit drinking and Eric the Midget helped get him through it. He said he fell into an Eric the Midget worm hole. He said he listened to about 6 years of his calls in a week. He said he had this life force and he believed he should have fame and it helped get him through this thing. He said that he was on his couch whining about things and Eric is on TV.
Jon took a call from a woman who said Gary has to go to Oldchella. She said she saw Paul McCartney play years ago and it was amazing. Gary said he saw him about 9 years ago and every song was a hit. The caller talked about what it was like back in 2009 when she went and how different it is these days. Jon let her ramble for a few minutes. Gary said he has to cut her off so they can talk about Howard a little bit more. After hanging up on her they spent more time on that subject before going to break.
Jon asked if Liam would react that way if he found that out. Liam said he would be stoked. He said he'd love to come from a family that has their shit together. Jonathan said when he was in the sixth grade he thought he was from Israel and he found out a year later he wasn't and he had done a class project on Israel.
Rahsaan said he thought Sal handled himself pretty well through all of that. Gary said he thinks Richard asked how his tests came back. He said all they did was take Q-Tips and pretend to send the tests out. Jon said Sal is the best. He said he's so gullible and he doesn't see it coming.
Liam said they're always able to isolate him from the show. Gary said when the show is on they have to listen to Howard. He said if you're taken into another room that should be a big clue. He said they told Sal Jason was going to sing the top 5 and he went in and did that with Jason. Gary said Sal and Richard said they wanted to hear the results of the test so he went and opened the door and told them Howard was doing the results. Jon said any time someone tells you that they have to pull you aside for anything your radar should go right off.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks they didn't need to put that much time into the whole thing with Sal. Gary said they wanted it to be good. The caller asked if there's anything that he hasn't fallen for. Gary said he can't think of anything. Gary said this is Sal's bread and butter and he doesn't see it coming so that's why it's so sweet.
Gary said one time they had Kevin Pollak coming on the show and they didn't know what to talk to him about so they had Robin pretend to be really attracted to him. He said Kevin was really embarrassed by the whole thing. They've pranked other people on the show too.
Jon said that he thinks George Takei was gullible in the past but he thinks he's less than he was while Sal is just as gullible as ever. Jonathan asked Gary if it gives him extra joy when Sal falls for this stuff. Gary said hell yes it does.
Jon said Sal always apologizes for things and that almost makes things worse. Gary said that he should be telling the audience he's sorry instead of telling him in his office. He said he's told him that before.
Jon asked Rahsaan what they had coming up on Sternthology today. RSN ran down a list adn they got in some plugs for the geusts adn ended the show aroudn 11:40am.
Danny said this is the easiest poll in the world to him. Rahsaan said this is a question, not a poll. Danny said Howard is out of this poll because he's not going with anyone there. He said he would bring Sour Shoes or Mariann on the road. Jon said he's paying no attention to how long this trip would be. Danny said Jon has done a lot of drives with Sal and he knows what he's like.
Jon said Jason's show is based on his actual family road trips. Jason said it started like that but it's turned into more than that. He said he's never been to a bed and breakfast run by a pedophile. He said the kids in the show are 11 but his kids were 6 and 8 when they gave them the where babies come from talk. He said that they did that in the second episode of The Detour.
Danny asked Jason if he ever thought of not telling his kids at all. Jason said he didn't want his kids to be dumb and learn it on the playground so he gave them the knowledge. Jon said he wasn't able to do it and his wife told him they were going to learn it. Jon said you want to have that kind of relationship. Jon said he let his wife Debbie have the whole conversation.
Gary said kids in school tell you all kinds of stuff. He said that one kid thought twins were made from fucking twice. He said until he was in 10th grade he thought that was true.
Jason said he believed that myth about hair growing in your palm when you masturbate so he wore a glove. Jason said it was a cotton work glove he used.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she wants to take Jon on a road trip because of the fast food thing. She would also take Mariann. She said she thinks she'd have more in common with her than a lot of other guys.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he'd take Hank as the Wack Packer and Gary as the staffer.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he'd take Howard and Beetlejuice. Gary said that you'd get a lot of babbling from Beet and not much from Howard. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said Howard can't get enough of this election with the nominees calling in even if they're not the real ones. Gary said Howard picked Trump a long time ago to win. Gary said he thinks the whole thing is a pig fuck. They spent a little more time talking politics.
Jon said he wants to talk about Bobo a little bit. Jon said he's calling in with questions that he's offered up before. Jon asked Danny if he understands why Bobo does this kind of thing. Danny said what happens in his situation is that he comes up with asking questions and he gets so caught up in it he forgets what he knows about the show. He said Bobo is more likeable but Jeff the Drunk is more interesting because you want to hate him. He said that Bobo is almost too likeable to be a Wack Packer. He said he has the quality of self delusion. He said that they have audio of Bobo saying he believes there might be aliens living in tubes somewhere but he doesn't think he ever said that. Jon asked about how hard it is in court with something like that. Danny went over that for a short time and Jason said that sounded like a line of bullshit to him. He said you just stop listening halfway through what they're saying. Jon asked Gary about the Bobo and Gary said he seems to perform better than his IQ would make you think he would.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he would take Gary and Fake Gary on a road trip. He said he knows Gary would do a good job with Trivia and Sour Shoes as Gary would be entertaining. Jon asked Gary how he'd do on a road trip with Sour. Gary said he can take him in small doses but he's not sure he could do it for 4 hours. He said sometimes you just needed a break. They went to break after that.
Danny said Wolfie enjoys the luxury of sniping from the phone. He said they can't figure out things to goof on him about. He said here is no better example than the Sal tribute. He said Sal had such swagger before he was on the show. Then he comes on the show and the veneer comes off. He said he has all of this swagger and then you realize he's very much human. Gary said Shuli made his way onto the show calling in. He said once you're in there every day they get to see you in person.
Jon said that JD revealed that he can't boil water. Jon asked Jason if there's a problem there. Jason said he had to have made a joke about that. He said that there's no one who doesn't know how to boil water. Jon played a clip of JD telling Howard he doesn't really know how to do it. Jason said he did boil it.
Gary said he got a question from a Twitter follower who asked if they think JD knows how to ride a bike. Jon said he would say yes because he didn't have a car for a long time. Danny said he would say yes too. He said he thinks he probably had a bike and he can ride. He said Jon Leiberman never learned to ride a bike from what he remembers. Jason said there is nothing worse than watching someone learn to ride at 35 or so. He said in New York he sees that a lot. He said it's the saddest thing he's ever seen. Jon said you can live in New York and never learn to drive or swim too. Jason said they have to use their passports to get into bars.
Gary said at one point they had two people who didn't know how to swim. Gary said Robin was one of them. Jason sounded shocked by that. Gary said they almost lost Robin because she was in her pool by herself and she was floundering after she fell off a floating raft. He said she could have drowned. Jason said he was going to bring her on his road trip but now he can't.
Jon said JD almost drowned going down a water slide. Gary said he and his son watch that clip like once a month. Rahsaan said it was only like 3 feet of water so he was shocked he didn't just stand up.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he'd bring Richard and Mark the Bagger on a road trip. He told Jon why he'd want the two in the car.
Jason said he would take Wendy and maybe Ronnie. He said he can drive and he finds him too funny. He said it's double comedy with those two. Gary asked if he would pull off the highway and go to the dumpster for meals. Jason said yes because it saves money.
Danny said he can see taking Ronnie on the trip. He said he loves that he's old school and looks out the window. He said he made a reference this week to K-Rations and that goes back to World War II. Gary said it is an old reference.
Jon asked Jason how he feels about Ronnie's sex tips. Jason said he wonders if it's real or put on. He said when it feels real it is great. Gary said even if it's not real it is a though swirling in his head. He said it is something he's thought about. Jon said there is only one Ronald Mund.
Jon had Rahsaan give a rundown of what they have coming up on Sternthology today. Jon got in some plugs and ended the show around 11:45am.