Howard started the show with High Pitch Erik singing ''The Great American Nightmare.'' Howard said Andy Newman of Thunderclap Newman died. Howard said they had one hit song. Howard sang some of the song ''Something in the Air'' and then had Fred play some of it. Howard sang along to it a little bit. Howard said he should have been on this track. Howard said that guy is dead. He said he didn't know much about that band. Fred said they were a one hit wonder band that Pete Townsend and some other guys created in 1968.
Howard said they have Michael Rapaport to tell them who their guest is. He played the clip and he mentioned that Louis C.K. will be on today.
Howard said they sent Steve Nowicki out to go to the Donald Trump rally. Howard said they had a whole scene going on there. Howard said they went out to a big hall in Bethpage Long Island. Howard said they were asking people what they were thinking and one guy sounded like he'd be a great announcer for when George Takei isn't there. Howard played the clip and the guy had a really strained sounding voice. The guy was commenting on Trump and other things.
Howard said the rally was crazy. He said that people are talking about Bernie Sanders and his wacky ideas and how they won't work. Howard said they want to break up the big banks but that's not going to help.
Howard said he has a big announcement to make today. He said he has to do it before 8. Howard said he can't talk to long before that.
Howard said Bobo sent in an audition tape to do the announcing thing. Howard played the clip and Bobo was introducing George Takei and said he played ''Zulu'' on Star Trek. Howard played some other clip of Bobo introducing other people like Hulk Hogan. Robin said he's their Hank Kingsley. Howard said he might have to use him. Robin said he should let him write his own stuff. Howard said that's the whole idea.
Howard said Sal can interpret her sometimes. Howard said they did a funny phony phone call with Robin calling Tan Mom. He said it didn't really go anywhere. Howard said Tan Mom didn't catch on. Howard asked if they still have it. Howard said Tan Mom wanted to get along with Robin and she didn't get why she was being such a jerk. Tan Mom said she's looking for someone to help her out. She said she was in jail for 5 days. Howard cut her off and said he has to cut her off again. He said they're jumping all around. He said she's looking for a lawyer to sue someone. Tan Mom said that he's not grasping what she's saying. Howard said that's right. He said he had his coffee though.
Gary said that Shuli asked Dr. Drew when he last spoke to Tan Mom and he said it was like 4 years ago. Gary said she thinks she's talking to him but it must be someone else.
Howard said this phony phone call they made to Tan Mom isn't all that funny. He said he'll play some of it anyway. Howard played the clip and the guys had clips of Robin talking to Tan Mom about making an apology to her. Tan Mom said she didn't think they had a problem. The guys went on for a couple of minutes with the clips. Howard said he heard Tan Mom got upset after that. Tan Mom said she did get upset. Howard said for once Patricia was making sense. Howard said it kind of went nowhere so that's why he didn't play it before. Howard said Tan Mom wants to sue the state over something. Howard said he really has to let her go. Howard tried asking her what she's wearing but she wasn't paying attention. She said she loves them and said goodbye a short time later.
Howard said Tan Mom has to have her coffee and then doot. Howard said she wants to sue or something. Howard said he doesn't know why. Howard said he wanted to find out but it takes forever. Howard said she hit a lot of topics in that call.
Sal came in and said she spent about an hour and a half on the phone with him on Friday. He said she says she was wrongfully incarcerated when she was picked up for having her daughter at a tanning salon. She spent 6 days in jail over that. Howard said they found that she didn't put her kid in the tanning bed. Sal said that's right. That's why she wants to sue.
Howard said she wants to sue New Jersey over that wrongful incarceration. Howard said they might as well throw other things in there too. Howard made up more claims for her to have. Howard let Sal go and said next time she's on he'll delve into it. Sal said maybe another People's Court. Howard said maybe. They went to break after that.
Howard said they came to Sirius satellite 10 years ago. He said that they still love working there even after all that time. Howard said people said in the industry that this would never work. Howard said they said ''Goodbye Howard'' when he left terrestrial radio. Howard said at the time they had 20 times more listeners on terrestrial than they had subscribers. Howard said they barely had any radios. Howard said he always said they would be winners. Howard said today he was asked by the head of the company, Jim Meyer, to announce this huge milestone. Howard said he's going to ask Elephant Boy (tape) to come in and make the announcement. Howard said he's there at the microphone. Elephant Boy announced that they have 465,000 new subscribers in 2016 and they have reached a certain number of subscribers but it was unintelligible. Howard had him shorten it up. Elephant Boy said they have 30,059,000 subscribers. Robin still didn't understand it so Howard had to explain they have hit 30 million subscribers. Howard said that is the big announcement. Howard said that is huge. Howard said they've hit 30 million.
Howard said that he had a journal back when they first started. Howard said he knew they'd be number one on terrestrial and he knew they would hit 30 million subscribers there. Howard said that's more than HBO, Comcast, Showtime or any of those services. Howard said everyone can kiss his ass 30 million times. Howard said they said they'd never make it. Howard said XM laughed at him after he signed with Sirius. Howard said they ended up buying those fuckers. Howard said XM would be the dominant company if they had hired him. Howard said he wants to congratulate himself, Robin and the show. Howard said he wants to congratulate everyone at Sirius. Howard said everyone who works hard there except for Benjy and Scott the Engineer. Howard said it's the 30 million subscribers he has to congratulate too.
Howard said he's going to cut to Scott the Engineer's room and see how he's reacting. Howard played some clips of Scott saying ''Fuck everyone'' and coughing. Howard played a fake President Obama voicemail message where he congratulated them. Howard had a clip of Ham Hands Bill as the Pope congratulating them.
Howard said they also have Bernie Sanders on the phone to congratulate them. Fake Bernie said that they are too big to fail now. He said they should break Sirius into 1 million smaller stations so they have 30 subscribers each. Howard said that's not a good idea. Bernie said they also need to spread Robin's boobies around.
Howard said this is exciting. Howard said in honor of the 30 million subscribers they have JDini coming in to make a prediction. Howard had JDini come in. Howard said this is his character that is beloved now. JDini said that after today Sirius stock will soar to 12 cent per share. Howard asked JDini what else he has in his predictions. JDini said that Beetlejuice will shit on the floor two more times before they reach 32 million subscribers. Howard kicked him out after that.
Howard said they also have Charlie Sheen on the phone. Fake Charlie said he has a 30 million foot line. He snorted that. Howard spent a few seconds with fake Charlie.
Howard said they also have the slowest adult of all time, Wendy, on the phone. Howard picked up on Wendy and she said she's watching ''Frozen.'' Howard said that's for 5 year olds. Wendy said she's 35. Howard told her the big announcement he made and said he thinks even she'll understand this. Howard asked if she's taken her morning dump yet. Wendy said she hasn't. Howard asked if she peed yet. Wendy said she didn't. Howard said he has to pee when he gets up. Wendy said not right now. She said she's drinking Mountain Dew right now. Howard said it is the 7 o'clock hour. Wendy said she knows. Howard asked if she wore a diaper last night. She said she did. She peed in it and shit in it. Howard said that's why she hasn't peed or shit. Howard said she doesn't even get up. She pees in the diaper.
Howard told Wendy a story about this little boy who had a dream to go on radio and not have any government interference. Wendy knew it was Howard he was talking about. Howard said they hit 30 million subscribers. Howard asked Wendy to count to 30 million. Wendy started counting. She went from 10 to 3000. Then it was 31,000 and then 32,000. Howard asked if she's almost to 30 million. Wendy kept counting and went from 38,000 to 39 million. Howard cut her off and said he just wanted to share the news with her. Howard said they did reach 30 million. Howard said Sirius made the best choice. Howard played a news clip where they were reporting on XM having a hard time getting subscribers after Sirius hired Howard Stern.
Howard said they're gloating so much this morning. Howard said on the phone is Richard Simmons (Sour Shoes). Howard got Richard on the phone and Sour Shoes did his impression that sounded more like Paul Lynde to Howard. Howard spent a few seconds talking to Richard.
Howard said now he's bringing in a woman who is more crow than woman. Howard said Mariann is there to sing a song. Mariann said she has an original song for him. She said she loves Howard. Howard had her say 30 million. Mariann did that. Howard said they only had 400,000 when they started there. Howard had Mariann sing her song. She sang it but didn't seem to hear the music they were playing for her to sing to. Mariann sang ''30 Million subscribers'' over and over. Howard said 2 million just canceled.
Howard said that's enough. Howard tried to cut her off. Howard said thanks and said she looks really good. Howard said she has 30 million polyps in her throat.
Howard said there's something they do when they reach a milestone like that. Howard said in honor of this they have someone coming into the studio now. Howard said he is the most talented person on the show. Howard said it's Will the Farter. Robin said he is so cocky the way he stands there. Howard said he's going to fart 30 times live. Howard said it's the 30 fart salute. Howard said each one of the farts represents a million. Howard said they will all rejoice in 30 million when he's done. Howard said Will has to remove his shorts to fart. Will said he can keep them on actually. He said he should be good to go.
Howard said that Jim McClure is holding the microphone today. Jim said that Jason is actually going to hold the one down at his ass. Howard had Will do his thing but he started to read a statement. Howard had to cut him off and tell him to just fart.
Will blasted out his farts slowly. They counted them as he went along. Will blasted out a bunch and got up to 10. Jim said he was doing just great when Howard asked how he was holding up. Will kept going and blasted out a bunch more. They got to 15 and Howard was happy they were halfway there. Will was taking his time. Howard asked how Will was doing. Will said he's doing pretty good. Howard had him keep blasting. Will sounded like he was struggling a little bit but he kept going. They got into the 20s and Will kept going. Will was getting creative with his fart sounds. Will blasted out 27 and then 28, 29 and 30 farts. Howard told him to hit it on the last one. Will let a long one blast.
Howard asked if that was one of his best. Will said he was struggling. Howard said he can't think of a better way to celebrate. Howard said that he is a star and maybe one of the biggest to come out of the show. Will said if he says so.
Howard asked Will how he got there this morning. Will said he drove in from Maryland. Howard said those farts he just gave us are traveling through space now. Howard asked how great that is. Howard said they have to get some Gatorade for Will. He told the guys to just pour it right in there. Howard said some congratulations to everyone, even Benjy. They went to break after that. They played a JD song parody as they were going to break.
Robin asked where Erik found that huge jersey he's wearing. Erik said a friend from Atlanta got it for him. It's an Atlanta Falcons jersey.
Howard said Joey is saying that Erik isn't reacting horribly to his news. Joey said Erik drifted off into mentioning that girl's name instead of spending time on the move. He said that he thought it would be more dramatic. He said he obviously didn't need someone to help make the announcement to Erik. Howard said when he's packing and leaving that will hit Erik hard. Erik said it will. Howard said that he's there with him every day and he can't see that far ahead. Howard said Erik has limited capacity and he can't see what's coming up.
Joey said that he was told he should buy a place and not rent. He said that's what his attorney told him. Erik said that's their attorney. Joey said the guy is a fan of the show. He does work for both of them. Joey said he just made some money from him on this settlement. Robin said Erik thinks he'll be able to move in if Joey buys something. Erik said if he gets a broker he has to pay them. He said that Vinnie is wrong. Erik said he should look for a place and not look for a broker. Erik told him not to do that. Joey said he has a lot of people to ask a lot of questions. Howard said maybe he shouldn't get a broker.
Joey said he has to talk to people in the know. Howard said if Joey walks in without a broker people are going to think they're being robbed. Howard said he has to get one. Erik said the NY Times has the best real estate section. Howard said just because he's the size of a building doesn't mean he knows.
Howard asked what happened since last week when they saw him. Erik said Jason called him on Friday. He said he has bad news to tell them. He said his primary doctor and cardiologist called. Erik said he had a stress test. He said that this thing with Elephant Boy is stressing him out. He said Elephant Boy said he was going to drop the case against him. Howard said Elephant Boy may still be there. Joey said he left.
Shuli came in and said that Fred the Elephant Boy is in the prime of his asshole years. He said Erik is wrong for what he did but he came in did his time. He said that he went through the court thing there in the studio and all of that. He said Erik is guilty of what he did and he was really a mess in real court. He said he told Elephant Boy that if he didn't sign his affidavit that it would be thrown out of court. He said he ended up signing it so it's not going to be thrown out of court. Howard said maybe Elephant Boy doesn't want to comply with that. Shuli said he keeps fucking with Erik on Twitter. He said that people send him screen shots of that. Howard said he thinks that Erik has to stop reading that stuff. Joey said Elephant Boy is only a victim because he bullied Erik.
Erik said he was told he has a blockage in his heart. He said he might have coronary heart disease. He said when he walks and exercises he's not getting enough blood from his heart. He said they want him to get a catheterization. Howard asked if he knows what that involves. Joey said he thinks they're going to go in through his thigh and insert a stent. Howard said this is a wake up call for him to lose more weight. Erik said he's losing the weight on his own and he's proud of himself. Howard said he needs a second heart to pump the blood. Howard asked if he's asked the doctor to do that. Erik said he hasn't. Howard said Erik could ask them to take Joey's heart. Erik said Joey might die. Joey said he would die.
Howard said that this is no walk in the park. Joey said this should be a wake up call for him. Erik said it is. Robin pointed out the soul patch he has. Joey said he told him to get rid of it.
Howard asked when the operation is going to happen. Erik said he doesn't know yet. Howard asked if Joey is going to be there for him. Joey said he doesn't know. Howard said he has a fear he's going to feel he's better and go eat pancakes. Erik said no. Shuli said after the show last week Erik was snapped out of it when he thought Joey was going to buy him breakfast. Joey said he went clothes shopping and bought a bunch of clothes. He said he's not sure where he's going to live yet. Joey said he's going to be looking.
Howard said it's not a good idea for Joey to shop for apartments with Erik. Erik said he would help. Howard said if Erik finds one maybe he should get the real estate broker fee. Erik said he should.
Shuli had audio of Erik and Joey leaving last week and Erik asking to move to Connecticut with Joey. He said someone has an apartment up there for them. Joey said he wants to live in Manhattan. Howard said Erik is a tough customer. Howard played another clip of Erik telling Joey that he is so shocked from the news and he has to eat something. Howard played a clip of Erik singing ''I Will Always Love You'' to Joey.
Howard asked Erik if he would blow him to keep him in the building. Erik said he would do it to Donnie but not Joey. Shuli said Erik is looking to upgrade and take Joey's apartment. He said that's a one bedroom with the toilet right next to the bed. Erik said he's not going to take it. He said it's because of the toilet. Howard said that's better than going into the hall to go. Erik said no. He said he can't have a toilet in his room. Howard said that he could turn the toilet into a couch. Howard said it's a big deal to have a toilet in the room. Howard asked Erik if he has a lot of guests. Erik said he hardly has any. Shuli said he was up at Erik's recently and it was so small he could barely get in his apartment.
Howard said Erik can't even walk up stairs. He said this is fascinating and they could spend 4 hours on this. He said he has other things to get to though. Erik and Joey congratulated Howard on the 30 million. Erik said that his birthday is this weekend and he's turning 45. Erik asked if he can get him Tommy John underwear for his birthday. Howard said he doesn't think they even have his size. Erik asked if they can get him an iPad for his birthday. Howard said how about getting to an appearance without asking for something. Howard said what he will give him is Will the Farter to fart in his face. Shuli said he herd he wanted to get an Iguana or something. Erik said he wants a bearded dragon. He said they're adorable.
Joey said they're going to be at the Smiling Moose in Pittsburgh next weekend. He said that Gonzo will be there too. Howard picked up and asked if Hanzi is going to be there too. Hanzi said he won't be. Joey said Hanzi has been shitty to Howard lately. Howard said fuck him then.
Shuli said that he's been nothing but nice to Hanzi and he's gone out to do shows and he has helped the guy get laid and he treats him like shit. Shuli said he thinks everything is a scam. Erik said fuck you to Hanzi too. Hanzi said Howard will sacrifice Erik for the Illuminati.
Howard said that he didn't ban Hanzi like he thinks. Hanzi said he did ban him. Howard said he scares him. Hanzi said that he did ban him. Howard said he'd better shut up or he will ban him. High Pitch Erik went off on him saying he'll stick his cock in his fucking mouth. Joey said he'll film it. Howard said then they'll put it on the internet. They had Erik saying all kinds of wild shit about what he'd do to Hanzi. Howard was egging him on and he was going nuts on Hanzi.
Howard said Erik is going to eat his ass and suck his penis. Erik said that's right. He told Hanzi to die you piece of shit. Erik told him to suck his cock so he can blow in his mouth.
Hanzi said something about ''fuck Israel'' so Erik went off on him again. Erik is Jewish so he told Hanzi that and went off on him saying he's going to shoot ropes on his fucking head. Howard said he's going to fist his tight little asshole. Howard kept them going and kept egging Erik on to say he was going to do all kinds of gay stuff to Hanzi. Howard said Hanzi is going to have to marry Erik. Hanzi asked if Erik is going to kill him like Howard almost killed Artie. Everyone sighed. Howard got Erik to talk about more gay stuff he was going to do to Hanzi while he was fucking him in the mouth. Erik was talking about stabbing his finger in his man pussy and cum all over his face. Howard said he's going to spit in his gaping man pussy.
Hanzi told Erik to stick his dick in Beth and give her a kid. Erik told him not to talk about Beth. He went off on Hanzi again saying he crossed the line. Howard hung up on Hanzi. Joey said he should be banned for that. Howard asked what the fuck that was. Howard said that's his wife. He said that if you want to attack him he can do that but leave the wife and kids out of it.
Howard said Erik is rock hard and ready to fuck Hanzi. Howard said Erik has gone over the line. He said he has to take care of himself. He said he has to stop eating so much. Erik said he's not. He said he's eating normal. He said he has yogurt and a rice cake in the morning. He said he has coffee and some flavored creamer. He said then he drinks a lot of water. He said for lunch he has yogurt and another rice cake. Howard asked if this is true. Joey said it really is. He said he's eating right but not exercising. Erik said he may have a turkey burger patty with a side salad. He throws the bread out. He said he has a spinach salad. He said he has some string cheese after that. Howard said if that's what he's eating it's awesome. He has no soda in his apartment and he's not eating after dinner. Joey said he has some other stuff but it's not a lot. He said it's okay. Howard said if he keeps eating like that the operation isn't even going to work. Howard said he has to go out and start walking. Erik said that's what he's going to do.
Joey got in another plug for the Smiling Moose appearance. He said Shuli will be there too. Erik said he wants the iPad to listen to music on the plane. He said it would be a birthday gift though. Howard said he'll look around and see what he has. Joey told him to ask for it like a man. Erik lowered his voice and tried to ask again but Howard wondered if he has to get two seats on the plane. Joey said he gets comfort seats which are wider than regular seats.
Erik asked again for an iPad. Howard said he has his own expenses. He said he's not Rockefeller. Howard said he should walk to Canada and fuck Hanzi's man pussy. He said either that or walk to Pittsburgh. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and asked if Robin was singing along to that song. He said people who email the show like when she does that. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about the NY Primary coming up and asked who he's going to go with. Howard said he's a long time Hillary supporter. Howard said that he is friends with Trump though. Howard said he knows the guy and he might do him some favors. Howard said he does want to go to Camp David. Howard said he has been a Hillary Clinton supporter though.
The caller asked if he has taken flack from his liberal friends. Howard asked if he thinks he's a liberal. The caller said he's not saying that. He said he has said that if Howard likes trump he will support him too. Howard said he has been a guest on the show and he's very friendly to him and Robin. He said he's been very nice to him. Howard said politically people get worked up when he says he's a Hillary supporter. Howard said people just yell out that she's a liar and ''emails!'' Howard said he has been following her a long time. Howard said she helped create the children's health insurance program and it helps kids who come from low income families get health care. Howard said people don't want to hear stuff like that.
Howard said when everyone was caught up in 9/11 fever Hillary was the one who said something to the EPA about the warnings about air quality in the city. Howard said that she sponsored a bill that went through that helped first responders. Howard said she's been a leading advocate with that. Howard said when Hillary was a senator she helped get money to help redevelop the World Trade Center. Howard said people said that she was a carpet bagger because she wore a Yankees cap. Howard said he doesn't think about nonsense like that. Howard said Hillary has done things for the veterans. Howard said she helped raise survivor benefits for military families. Howard said that people say they have to help veterans. He said what happens now is if someone in the military dies the family gets money 72 hours after the death of their family member. Howard said Hillary helped make that happen. Howard said that his friends talk about this all the time. Howard said all they think about is Benghazi and her email. Howard talked about a bunch of other things that Clinton has made happen.
Howard said that he's also thinking about Trump and how he should get the nomination. He said they're talking about how they make that not happen.
The caller asked if they can find out how Fred and Benjy are going to vote. Howard said they don't know who they're voting for yet. Howard kept talking about Hillary and how so many men have issues with women so they'll never vote for her.
The caller asked if there's any update about Ronnie's ex-wife, Bonnie, about this engagement. Howard said he's not going to bring her into all of this. Howard said she's a nice person and he won't do that to her.
Howard said he has to take a break so he can get to Louis C.K.. Howard said should have something funny to say. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said Louis C.K. is there. Howard said Louis has a new project called Horace and Pete. Howard said he looks like he's lost weight. Robin said he's going Hollywood. Louis said he's dying of AIDS actually. He said he works out now. Howard asked what he's doing. Louie said he has a set up in his house. He has a heavy bag that he likes to hit and an exercycle. Howard said he looks like he knows how to fight. Louie said he did train for boxing for a special he did. He said he does spar. Howard asked what that's like and if he feels it in his face. Louie said it's awful. He said sometimes women he spars with have kicked his ass. He said he spars with people who are going professional. He said the trainers will pair him up with them. He said he can't hit them good. He said she can hit him as hard as she wants and it doesn't hurt that much. Howard said he took karate and he had groin pulls every week. Louie said that's why he likes boxing. He said you don't have to kick. He said that they teach you how to get past the point of exhaustion. Howard said that's what great athletes do. Louie said that your quit point gets further and further away the more you do it.
Howard said that Louie has said when he does Saturday Night Live he discovered that he was going to do a 12 minute set and Lorne told him to cut it to 8. Howard said he must have wanted to say fuck you to him. Louie said he did 12 minutes in dress rehearsal. He said he was asked to cut it to 8. He asked what would happen if he kept it to 12. He said Lorne said he would know he has no restraint and he's not professional. Louie said that he watched the 12 minutes and it was too long. He was able to cut it down.
Howard said when you're there in the studio the audience is hungry for something. Howard said on TV everything is so fast. Louie said that the audience in the air show is different than the rehearsal. He said the live audience knows they're on camera.
Howard said he used to watch guys like Garry Shandling on the Tonight show. Howard asked if he knew Garry. Louie said he was his buddy. He said they used to box together. Howard asked if he was a good athlete. Louie said he was in good shape and he stayed in shape. Howard said he thought Louie is shorter than Garry but Louie said he was about the same height. Howard said he thought Garry was a lot taller. Howard said it's shocking that he just died. Louie said he did have something going on with his health but it still came as a shock. He said he was the greatest guy. Howard said his stand up was always great on the Tonight Show. Louie said that he always said he'd rather pretend he has the job.
Louie said he showed his daughter the first episode of The Larry Sanders Show and she was rolling. He said she loved it. He said it holds up.
Howard said Garry agreed to do his E! interview show. Howard said no one wanted to do it but Garry did it. He said it was great. Howard said he got to be on the Larry Sanders show too. He said it was a lot of fun. Howard asked if he ran material by Garry a lot. Louie said they talked about comedy but not in terms of jokes. He said Garry was a mentor. He said he was very generous to share with him about what it was like to be offered the Tonight Show and all of that. Louie said it was a huge thing.
Howard said when Garry decided to become a stand up there wasn't a lot of time between that and him getting on the Tonight Show. Louie said he was the best at it. He said he was also self effacing too.
Howard asked why Louie quit twitter. Louie said it's gross and he hates it. He said he's fascinated to read hateful stuff about him because he doesn't know these people. He said the people who write negative stuff about you always write negative stuff about other people 10 seconds later. Louie said he has a public email that he checks once in a while and he gets people asking him to kill himself. He said once in a while he'll write them back. He said every time he does that they'll write back and say they didn't mean it and they were just having a hard day. Howard said it would be so great to go to someone's house and confront them over that. Louie said no one means it. He said it just feels good in the moment.
Howard said Louie grew up in Mexico a little bit. He said he knew Spanish. Louie said he lost it. He said he wishes he went to college. He said he was always in trouble and he was always behind. He said he hated that feeling. He said that he can't speak Spanish now. He said he came to the States and he wasn't able to speak English. He said he's totally forgotten it. Howard asked why he was in Mexico. Louie said his dad was Mexican and they moved back there. Howard said there is no accent at all. Louie said that he grew up in Boston and doesn't have that accent either. He said he was 6 or 7 when he moved up there. Howard said he knew no English. Louie said it was total gibberish to him. He said it was a mess. Howard asked if he had a bilingual thing going on. Louie said not at all. He said that there were a lot of Puerto Ricans in Framingham, Massachusetts and they stuck a kid next to him to interpret. He said the kid didn't help him at all. He said he was able to catch on pretty quickly. He said his family was bilingual.
Howard said Louie looks like he came from Boston. He said he'd fit right in. Louie said he actually looks Mexican. He said there have been others who looked just like him.
Howard said Louie once told Chris Rock that he stashed $100,000 somewhere just so he knew he'd have it. Howard asked if he still has it around. Louie said he doesn't. He said he can't keep that kind of cash around. He said he'd rather not have people thinking that he's got that in his apartment. Louie said he grew up with nothing and he had no money until he was like 40. He said that he doesn't think he has money. He said that he even bought gold coins because he was afraid that the money would get eaten by bugs or rodents. He said that money is like oxygen for him. He said you breathe it in and out.
Howard said last time Louie was on Saturday Night Live he did this great monologue about child molesters and how it must be fun because they keep doing it. Howard said it was a funny monologue but he caught shit for it. Howard asked if he did that in dress rehearsal. Louie said he did. He said that it was a tough one to sell. He said that they don't even talk to him about the monologue. He said that he could hide stuff from them but he didn't. He said you have to hand it to them for letting him do it. He said they did ask for just one adjustment and it wasn't that big of a deal. He said it wasn't even Lorne who asked him to change.
Howard brought up Jared from Subway and how shocking that was. Howard said you'd think you just behave yourself if you make that kind of money from something. Louie said that's what his monologue was about. He said that he kept doing it even with the risk of getting caught.
Howard asked if he got a lot of hate mail over that monologue. Louie said people don't send letters anymore. He said that he knew it would upset people. He said he thought it was worth saying though. He said that he goes to clubs and keeps saying it over and over again. He said that it went really well during dress rehearsal and it was about 70 percent in the live show.
Howard asked Louie about doing shows out in the Hamptons and how he will charge 10 bucks and do new material. He said that the audience's expectations are low because he's doing new material. Howard asked if he ever wants to give good material to give them something tried and true. Louie said you need to let it breathe. He said the audience will work with him for the first 2 minutes. He said that he tries not to tell them it's new jokes so he can get a true read on what they're thinking. He said that he won't have people come out until he knows he can put on a good show. He said it's a good hour, it's just not great. He said he'll go to the Comedy Cellar and do 20 minutes to work on stuff.
Howard said that Jerry Seinfeld opened for him out on Long Island. Louie said that Joe List was opening for him and the second day he had explosive diarrhea. He said he wasn't able to open for him. He said Joe wanted to do the show but he didn't want him there. He said Jerry was in town so he wrote him and asked if he could do this as a hail Mary pass. He said he knows Jerry pretty well. He said he was able to email him and have him come out. He said Jerry went on unannounced and did his thing. He said he did like 10 minutes that were solid and hilarious.
Howard asked if he worries about not doing so well after that. Louie said it makes it better because you have to try harder to be funny.
Howard asked about Louie being on the Academy Awards and talked about how funny he was giving the Oscar for the Best Documentary, Short. He said that he was talking about how this was the best thing that was ever going to happen to the winner. He talked about the person taking it home in a Honda Civic and all of that. Howard said Louie must feel he's like those people and he can identify with them. Louie said that he does. He said he has been where they are. Howard said that's what surprises him about Louie.
Howard said FX loves him and his show. Howard said he told FX he wasn't going to do the show again and then he got high. Louie said he gets weed from a friend every 3 years or so. He said he smoked it alone like he does when he gets high. Howard said he thought about how he should have written more Louie shows. Louie said he got high and thought that Louie bought a comedy club. He said Doug Stanhope threatens to kill himself in an earlier episode of Louie. He said he shows up and he's sober and not interesting anymore. He said he goes in on a new comedy club with him. Howard asked if he has to audition Doug for the role. Louie said he wrote it for Doug. He said he told him he wrote it for him and Doug told him he can't act and he'll fuck it up so don't hire him. Howard said you have to love a guy like that. Louie said he asked him if he wants it. He said if he gave it to him would he want it. Doug said he would. He said that's all he needed to know.
Louie said that actors have to be told they're doing great. He said it's usually true. He said that comedians expect not to do right so they respond to pressure. He said you can go up to the comedian and tell them they're sucking so bad and they're killing the show so do it better. He said they get better always. He said he thought he'd have to push Doug through this. He said they shot the show and he was kind of destroyed after having a bad week. He said Doug was ready and incredibly good. He said he should be an actor. He said Doug helped him. He said he did to him what he was going to do to Doug.
Howard asked if he has a different process for writing stand up and a show. Louie said he does. He said he doesn't take time to write stand up. He said he'll have stuff in his head and he'll just go with it. He said he might write down a key word but that's it. He won't work it out in his head. He said when he's up on stage he'll talk about that thread. He said you have to be facing an audience. He said he records every show on his phone and he'll listen back to it. He said he's on the road now so he just does it. He said he loves being on the road. Howard said it's funny how he loves doing it but most comedians hate it.
Louie said that he was talking to a friend and telling her about this thing that happened to him where a friend asked how old his kids were when he got divorced. He said he told the friend that they were 5 and 2 and the friend said ''Oh my god! How could you do that to them?'' Louie said the friend Pamela told him that it was a bit. He said he'll write down the name of that friend, who was actually Al Franken, to remember to do the bit on stage. Howard said he sends an email to Jason when he gets a thought and that's how he knows what he's going to talk about. Louie said Howard knows wait it would be like to write down the whole show. Howard said that you just develop it.
Howard said he can't stand the repetition. He said Robin will tell him to talk about something that he's talked about in the past when he does a Letterman like show and he doesn't like doing that. Howard said he doesn't even like Jason understanding what he writes him in the email.
Louie said he has lost bits by not writing them legibly. Howard asked what his worst job was. Louie said he cleaned swimming pools.
Howard asked if he ever thinks about how he'd like to host the Oscars. Louie said he was scared to even present the award. He said he saw Chris Rock preparing to do it. He said that's just a different world. Louie said his heart rate went up as he got closer to doing it. He said that he thought his hands were going to tremble. He said he wasn't prepared. He didn't go to rehearsal. He didn't put anything up on the prompter. He said he just wanted to stay in his room and not go to the rehearsal. Louie said he didn't know where to go or anything. He said his heart rate was going up and up and up. He said he presented at the Emmys once and his hands were shaking so much he wasn't able to open the envelope.
Howard asked Louie if he worried about taking up the time of the other presenter. Louie said he was. He said he was with Lou Gossett Jr. Louie said Chris wanted to know how to introduce him and he asked him to mention Horace and Pete. He said he felt like he was doing a set at the Cellar. Louie said he was in heaven after doing his thing. He said he got two big laughs and it was over.
Howard asked Louie why he did Power Players Jeopardy. Louie said he just did that the other day. Howard said you can look like a real idiot on that show. Howard asked who he was playing against. Louie said he was playing against someone named Jonathan and someone named Kate. He didn't know their last names. Howard asked if he was humiliated doing it. Louie said he was doing it for charity. He said it's for a charity that helps with fistulas called the Fistula Foundation. He said that women get it after giving birth. He said that women in other countries have problems with it and they help them get it fixed. Howard said that he loves that they do that. Howard said that's a great thing to help out with.
Howard said the show Louie was beloved by FX. He said that Louie decided to stop at 4 seasons. Then he gets an idea for a 5th. Louie said that he got this idea and told them not to announce they're stopping the show. He said he asked the guys at FX to hold off on the announcement. He said then he read what he wrote and realized it was shit. Louie said he told FX that he's not sure he can do this now. He said they made it 8 episodes and shortened the season. He said he thought of 8 good stories and did those.
Howard said Horace and Pete came out of Louie's idea to write a movie. Howard said he could have gone to FX with the show but he did it on his own. Howard said Louie is a renegade and he financed it on his own. Howard said Louie likens it to being an ATM machine with the money shooting out his asshole. Louie said that's right. Howard asked why he didn't go to FX and do the show there. Howard said he went ahead and did it and now he sells the show on his web site. Louie said he did 10 episodes. He said that he didn't do that great but he did alright. He said it's not done making money though. He said he buried the show and didn't promote it. Howard said he told his fans that it was up when it was ready to be seen. Louie said he loves doing that. He said it's exciting to do it that way. Louie said he told FX he didn't want to do a 6th season. He said he might come back and do it again some day but he doesn't want to owe it to them ever. He said he wanted a clear head.
Howard asked why he had to finance it himself. Louie said he had a month of not doing anything. He said it was total open and nothing. He said he had a show he was winning Emmys and making money on. He said he was going to direct and star in a movie but he had the TV show going too. He said he decided he wasn't going to do either. He said he just threw everything away. He said he's not a wealthy guy but he is way better off than many. He said they'd be disgusted by what he's worth. Howard asked what he spends his money on. Louie said he owns two homes and he spends money on things. He said he has two kids and like he said earlier it's like oxygen and you breathe it in and out. Howard asked if he's afraid to be a financial success. Louie said not at all. He said he likes being able to buy cars and stuff.
Howard said they say he's worth $16 million online. Louie said that's insane. Howard asked if he dreams of going off like Letterman and retiring. Louie said not at all.
Louie said he was thinking about what to do and he saw this play called Abigail's Party and it's just talking for 2 hours. He said it's riveting and hilarious. He said he thought about how he's never seen anything like this and he wanted to do show like that with Horace and Pete. He said the first episode is an hour and it's two scenes. Howard said he had Alan Alda on the show. Louie said he got the idea for the show and thought about how to do it. He said it's a sitcom without an audience. He said the laughs are distracting to him in a sitcom. Louie said that he got a call from Steve Buscemi who was a fireman. He said he does a lot of charity stuff for the firemen. He said he got a call from Steve asking if he wanted to do a charity event. He said that he asked him to be on a show he's writing. Steve said yes so he met with him and told him what he was thinking. Steve thought it was cool.
Louie said he didn't want to have to go out and promote a show and promise it's amazing and talk about it for days. He said that he told Steve he's share the profits from it if he makes anything. He said then he saw Edie Falco talking about how she loves doing TV but she's not looking for more work. Louie said she's not into doing a comedy. He said he wanted her to be on his show. He said he goes to the Emmys and she's sitting by herself. He said he sat next to her and said to her that he has a show he's writing with Steve and asked her if she'd do it. He said she agreed to look at it. Louie said he wrote apart for Jessica Lange too. He said he went to Jessica Lange right after that and told her the same thing. He said he saw Edie looking at him weird because he had just told her the same thing.
Howard asked if he ever feels he's putting these people on the spot. Louie said a little but it's art and he's trying to do something. He said if someone tightens up you know to leave them alone. He said he felt like this was something she'd want to do.
Louie said he got a text the day after from Edie saying she was going to do it. He said he wanted Joe Pesci to do a part in it and he wrote him back telling him to stop doing stand up because he's no good at it. He said he's okay as an actor but the stand up he should get out of now. Howard said that's the greatest story he's ever heard. Louie said he just doesn't think he's funny. He said that he saw what he saw and didn't like it. He said Joe told him he didn't want to do the show but just tell him that he has a career if he sticks with the acting. He said he went to talk to Joe and spent a day and night with him pitching the show. He said he said no to it but Joe did lecture him about eating a woman's pussy. He said that he told him this whole thing and he had to write it into the show. He said he let him have it and it's in the show. He said in the end he declined to do the show though.
Howard asked if he'll still eat pussy. Louie said sure but it depends on whose it is. He said Joe did tell him he was welcome to the material. He said that Joe is just living his life and he thinks that the show is going to be successful so that's why he doesn't want to do it.
Howard asked what goes on during the day with Joe. Louie said they were hanging around and smoking cigarettes and Joe told him not to let anyone tell him that they're bad for you. He said Joe told him that Liza Minelli let him hold her Oscar for luck and he let him hold his Oscar for luck too. Howard said Joe doesn't even want to be famous. He likes having his free time. Louie said Joe has his family over for dinner every night and he takes care of a lot of people. He said they talked about acting and what it takes out of him to play these guys he plays. He said he takes it seriously and it takes a lot out of him. Howard said he would love to see Joe in something.
Louie said that he was looking for people to play this role and he was pitched Alan Alda. He said he didn't want to give Joe Pesci's part to Alan but Alan wanted to do it. He said he agreed to meet with him even without the part. He said that he sat and talked to him and he thought that he could figure it out so he trusted that his ability would find that character. He said he plays the role great. He said he gives the don't eat pussy speech in the show.
Howard asked what Alan did to get the part. Louie said that he had to read it over and over again. He said it's an improvisation. He said that the words are locked but how he reads it is an improvisation. He said he read with him many times.
Howard asked how Louie got Paul Simon to write the theme song for the show. Louie said they have common friends and he had dinner with him. Howard said he met Paul in a bathroom once. Louie said he used to sing ''The Boxer'' to his daughters. Howard asked him to sing. Louie didn't want to do it but he did end up singing a little bit of it.
Louie told Howard that he asked Paul to write a song for the show and he hoped he wasn't overreaching. He said that he looked at the email where he said he shouldn't ask and he's overreaching. He said he just asked and he did it.
Howard said that Louie is teaching them a lesson today. He said if you ask you'll be surprised at what you can get by asking. Howard asked Louie never to send him an email like that. Louie said he won't. He said that he spent a day working with Paul Simon writing the song. He said Paul read all of the scripts first and then wrote the song. Howard asked what Louie as doing in the studio while he was writing it. Louie said that Paul had a guitar riff that he was working on for 10 years and he used that in the theme song. He said that it was all amazing to him.
Louie said that he knew he could do 4 episodes at about $500,000 per episode. He said that it would cost him a lot but he knew he could make it back. He said that the money he made on the web site LouisCK.net. He said he made the 4 and he made a little money back but now he's millions of dollars in debt because he didn't make money doing it. He said he won't go to any backers. Howard said he should sell it to someone. Louie said he went on Jimmy Kimmel and the sales exploded. He said that he's doing Howard now and he's going to do a lot of others. He said that he is pushing the show and he's hoping to get it nominated for an Emmy. Howard said maybe ask Paul Simon or some money. Louie said he hopes the show pays itself off by the end of summer. He said it's doing okay now. He said this is actually a lot of fun. He said then he'll sell it to another outlet. He said he wants to make another outlet for this kind of stuff.
Howard said Louie will be begging for money at the Port Authority later today. Howard said check out the show and see what it's about. Louie said he's heard it wrecks people. He said it's nothing like you've seen. He mentioned the people who are in it and said that Aidy Bryant from Saturday Night Live is in it. He said he thinks it's the best thing he's ever done. Howard said he will go on and watch this. Howard asked how you pay for it. Louie said that you can use Paypal or Amazon pay. He said that it's $5 for the first one and then it goes down from there. Howard said he'd like to give him cash now. Louie said tomorrow he'll have a ''buy all'' for $31. He said that starts tomorrow. Howard said he's done it again. Louie said he's going to be all over the place doing stand up so he'll be fine.
Howard asked if he would ever do a bar mitzvah. Louie said he's been offered that but he won't do it. He said he's grossed out by that. Howard asked if he does corporate gigs. Louie said they pay a lot but you have to be careful with what you say. He said he doesn't want to do that. He said he doesn't want to do commercials either. He said he was offered a Snickers commercial for the Super Bowl but he didn't do it. He said it was a couple million too. Robin said he could have done a couple more episodes with that money. Louie said he's going to Israel to do a show in a soccer stadium and he'll make as much there as he would have for the commercial. He said he knows how he would have felt doing the commercial. He said he didn't want to feel like an asshole. He said that he makes so much doing what he does for an hour and he'd rather just do that. Howard said he gets why he's not doing the commercial. He said that he's had similar things over the years. He said you don't grab everything. Louie said that he knows people are walking by seeing his face on things thinking about how sick of it they are. He said his FX show was getting too much exposure so he wanted to pull back a little bit.
Howard said one thing they know is that he's got gold coins all over his apartment. Howard asked if anyone has told him not to play in Israel. Louie said no one has yet. He said he hasn't played it yet. Louie said he's not pulling out of doing shows in North Carolina either. He said he'll just give money to an LGBT charity or something instead.
Howard said Louie is making a show with Albert Brooks too. Louie said it's an animated show and he loves working with Albert. He said he wrote a show with Zach Galifianakis called ''Baskets.'' He said he wrote it with Zach and a guy named Jonathan. He said he thought about who makes him laugh and he thought about Albert Brooks. He said he told him he wanted to do a show for him on FX and Albert said he would never do television but he'll talk to him because he's not an idiot. Louie said he sent him his phone number and his phone rang instantly. He told Albert that he could do a show for him that would work. Albert agreed to do it.
Howard asked how they wrote that show. Louie said he wrote in an office he rented. He said he and Albert wrote it. He said that they recorded the show and they're making the pilot now. Howard asked what the premise is. Louie said he'd rather wait a bit to talk about it. Howard asked if this s on the web site. Louie said it'll be on FX. He said it could be a hit. He said that FX hasn't seen it yet. They spent a minute on that and then Howard said Louie has said enough. Louie said FX is great to work with. He said they're shooting another show that's coming out in the fall. Howard said he can't believe that he doesn't have a ton of money. He said he sounds like a guy who should.
Howard gave Louie a plug for the show and said they should go out to dinner again. Howard said he's a mogul without money. Louie said they'll see how it goes.
Howard asked if he's a Bernie Sanders guy. Louie said it's confusing. He said someone at FX said that Hillary is the most qualified person to run the country. Howard said he's making that argument too but no one listens. Louie said that it's not his kind of thing. He said he likes Bernie but that's not his thing.
Howard gave Louie some more plugs for his show that's on LouisCK.net. They went to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has a topic for his dinner with Louie. He mentioned Robin. He said that he missed his opportunity with Garry Shandling. Howard said Louie and Robin would be some power team. Howard said he was waiting to see if there would be fireworks. Howard let the caller go a short time later.
Robin started her news with a story about a uterus implant and how a yeast infection has caused that to fail. Howard asked if they could give Caitlyn Jenner a uterus. Robin said some day yes. Howard said he can't bare to look at that stuff too close when it's in porno. Robin read more about how the donated uterus had to be removed on Friday.
Howard had some audio of Mark the Bagger singing a song about their 30 million subscriber thing. Howard played that and Howard said you know how Louie got Paul Simon to do a song this is who he would get. Howard played another song that they had Mark sing. Howard also played a phony phone call the guys made to a racist guy using fake Obama. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a new service that allows people to call a random Swedish person to talk to them about anything. Robin said that she should give this to Sal and Richard.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she highly recommends Horace and Pete. She said it's really good.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he bought shares of Sirius about 5 years ago. He said he's stuck with them and bought more before Howard made his announcement. He said that it should get better once Howard 360 comes. Howard said who knows. Howard said that they're down to 3.83 today and he's not sure why that is.
The caller asked if he would ever do a show from Hawaii. Howard said he'd love to but he prefers to be in the studio so it will never happen.
Howard said maybe they should have kept Will the Farter out of the studio today. He said maybe that's why the stock went down.
Robin asked what the highest denomination of a bill is in this country. Howard said he's not sure. He thought about it and said maybe a $500. Robin said that it's actually a $100 bill. Howard said that's why he did bad on the SATs. Robin said the U.S. stopped issuing up to $10,000 bills back in 1969. Robin said they had $500, $1000 and $10,000 bills. Robin said most people don't even use $100 bills. Robin said that the larger currencies are subject to counterfeiting and laundering. Robin said that there is a 500 Euro but countries are thinking about lowering them.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Hillary Clinton thing and how she thinks the gun ownership thing is wrong. Howard said he disagrees with her on that one thing. Howard said we need the right to be armed. Howard said if Robin was approached in a parking lot and some guys were going to attack her that's her only option to defend herself. Howard said these guys would have every opportunity to overpower someone. Howard said the great equalizer is the pistol. He said he's all for a national registration but he's not sure how else you'd defend yourself against someone with a baseball bat with a chain around it. He said you need a handgun. Howard said it's the only thing that equalizes. The caller said he lives in Oklahoma and there's not much around him. Howard said some politicians don't understand the real world.
Robin read a story about some kids in the UK that sent a stuffed dog to the edge of space. Robin said they're looking for it now because it's lost. Robin said that they sent him up with helium balloons. Robin said remember when they wanted to do that with Eric the Midget. Howard said Eric was afraid that he'd go off into space. Robin said no one has seen this stuffed dog yet. Robin said they're trying to get the word out around the world to try to find it. They're on twitter trying to track it down. Howard asked who gives a fuck. He said people do that experiment and then it lands on his head. Howard said give it the hashtag #FuckThatDog. He did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about him going out to dinner and if Beth ever sees him nude walking around. Howard said no. He said that he has his own dressing area. He said that she has a perfect body. Howard said she's very modest but there's no way she's going to see him naked. Howard said he's always covered. Howard said Beth should walk around naked but he should be covered at all times. Howard said he is embarrassed to be nude with her.
Robin read a story about a former motel owner who used to watch couples having sex for decades. Howard said that's so creepy. Robin said he started in the 60s. Robin said he had fake vents in the ceilings of his motels. Robin said he bought it just to do that. Robin mentioned his wife helped. Howard said the wife helping is really creepy. Robin said this guy calls himself a social observer, not a perv. Howard said it's just so gross. Robin said the guy kept a log of all of his observations. Robin read some of the things he kept track of. Robin said that he sold the motel in 1995 and the statute of limitations has run out so he can't be charged.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Supergirl and Calista Flockhart. Howard said he thinks she's hot. The caller said you can tell there's a filter on Calista Flockhart. Howard asked if they can do that. Robin said sure. The caller said they don't do that for Robin Wright on House of Cards. Howard said he likes Calista and the girl who plays Supergirl. Howard said he likes Dakota Johnson too. He said he's looking forward to the new 50 Shades movie.
Howard said speaking of TV, Ronnie just shot 2 days on some TV show plying an FBI agent. Robin asked what show this was. Howard said Ronnie looks like Arty Johnson on Laugh In. Howard said he looks like Darth Vader in Spaceballs. Howard said that he's on the set of Limitless. Howard said he claims he was brilliant. Howard said he asked if he had any notes or any feedback. He said he shot for two days on Thursday and Friday. He said he claims he had lines too. Robin said she can't wait.
Howard said speaking of Ronnie he read a story about a cock ring that exploded. Howard had Ronnie come in. He said maybe he can comment on that. Ronnie talked about filming Limitless and how he had like 5 paragraphs. Ronnie said he had a little cheat sheet for him. He said it was right on top of the camera. Howard said the guy who mows his lawn is going to be on NCIS next week. Howard asked if he had to be given any notes. Ronnie said he was asked to annunciate a little better and things like that. Ronnie said he played an FBI agent. Howard said most guys retire in their 40s or 50s from the FBI. Ronnie said he doesn't know. Howard asked what his lines were. Ronnie didn't remember. He said in one scene he was being interviewed to be in a special task force. He said he sat in a chair and his name is ''Mundt'' in the show. He said he tells them what he's there for. He said Jake McDorman was the one he was in the scene with. He said he did some with Jennifer Carpenter too. She played Dexter's sister on the show Dexter. Ronnie said the next day they invade a plant where they're making ''the pill'' on the show. He said he yells out ''FBI! Everybody get down on the ground!!!'' He said he had a 9mm and an AK-47 on him and all of that. He said he was in full gear. He said he gives them credit for running around with all of that. He said it was fun.
Howard asked if he had to join the union to do that many lines. Ronnie said he's in. He said his paragraphs were little. He said that Jennifer was there for the raid on Saturday. He said she's a real hottie. Howard did his Ronnie impression and told her to squirt. Ronnie said she came over to her and said she wanted a picture with the real Ronnie and not the Flat Ronnie. He said they shoot Blue Bloods there too so High Pitch Erik brings his there.
Ronnie said he has to hit a stunt man in the face with a gun and he comes at him with a wrench. He said he goes down on the ground and he's supposed to fall to the left but he fell on top of him. He said they had to re-shoot the fucking scene.
Howard read about this cock ring that exploded. He said that there was a bomb scare because of this thing. Howard said they thought it was a bomb and they had to explode it. Howard said someone threw it out and didn't turn it off. Ronnie said he always turns his off. Howard said they're looking for the person who threw it out.
Ronnie said they really love Howard over there at Limitless. He said that they did 22 episodes and he's in the finale. Howard asked if he could be a regular on the show. Ronnie said they haven't been renewed yet but they're waiting to find out. Ronnie said he'll bring in the script tomorrow so he can read his lines. Ronnie said he had to do this early Thursday morning. He said he didn't get it until late Wednesday. He said he didn't know how he was going to remember it all. The guy there told him not to worry about it. He said they have cheat sheets and all of that. Howard let Ronnie go after that. Ronnie kept doing his ''Everybody down! FBI!'' Howard said no one in the FBI is his age.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about people who work at Starbucks and how all the boss wants is you to do your job. Robin said someone wrote on a Grande White Mocha ''Diabetes here I come!'' Howard said people are dopey. Howard said just behave. Howard asked why be so dopey. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about tipping and asked Howard what he tips. Howard said he tips 50 percent. Howard said people expect that because he's famous. Robin said he's on the lower end of tippers compared to Jim Carrey. Robin said he recently ate with friends at a hotel and left a $225 tip on a $151 bill. Howard said that's very generous. Howard said he likes to hear that. Howard said it's nice to reward someone hard working like that. Howard said he just made him look cheap though.
Robin read about manufacturers making clothing that have sensors that can see, hear and store energy. Robin said they can warm or cool a person. Howard said he would never wear that because of radioactivity. Robin said she's not sure what they can see. Howard said he sees enough. Howard said he sees double with Fred. Howard got in a plug for a special Graham Nash concert that's coming up this weekend on Howard 101. Howard said he'll play some of it tomorrow.
Robin read a story about an Iowa state board of medicine that is looking into banning conversion therapy. That's therapy that aims to turn gay men or women straight. Robin said this board needs more time to look into it even though other states have banned it already.
Robin read a story about Bruce Springsteen canceling a concert in North Carolina over an LGBT law that's in place there. Robin said that some people are saying that's a bullying tactic. Howard said it's really not. Robin said they claim they're not trying to discriminate against the LGBT community. Robin said they're afraid of imposters trying to go into a bathroom of their choice. Howard said that he and Fred dress up like women so they can go in and watch women shitting. Robin said there is a chance that people could do that. Robin read about Bryan Adams doing the same as Bruce. She said he's doing that in Mississippi where they have a law that's anti-LGBT.
Robin asked Howard if he's for or against nukes. Howard said he's for us having them. He said it's the ultimate devastation though. He said that there are a lot of crazy fuckers out there with them. Robin said it's ridiculous. Robin said you're going to destroy civilization if you launch them. Robin read about John Kerry visiting Japan to visit the site of Hiroshima where the first bomb was dropped.
Howard took a call from Jim from Raleigh. Jim said that Bruce screwed the fans and the workers who were going to go to his show. He said that he's playing Michigan on Friday and they have questionable laws too. Jim said he's been a fan of his for over 35 years and he's still selling his records down there. Howard said there is a big controversy down there over it. He said it has brought attention to it though. Jim said that PayPal takes funds from Saudi Arabia so look into that. Howard said he would but he has to get out of there. Jim said they didn't even get to vote on it down there. He said that most of the fans going to that show were coming from out of state too. Howard let him go a short time later.
Robin read about a new documentary that Ken Burns has out about Jackie Robinson. Robin said that's on PBS starting tonight.
Robin read a few more quick stories and wrapped up her news. Howard ended the show around 11:30am.
Jon said Ronnie talked about being on Limitless and he's visited NCIS too. Chris said he has. Chris said he met High Pitch Erik today too and he has his essence on his hand. He said he has washed it off though. He said that Erik hit him up for a job on NCIS. He said that Erik didn't know who he was. He said he knew who Erik was though. He said he was afraid that Donnie would get upset if he put him on NCIS.
Jon asked if Erik was more excited to meet him or was he more excited. Chris said Erik didn't know who he was. He had to tell him what show he's on. Gary said Erik goes to Blue Bloods and plays a 400 pound detective. He said they let him on set and he ends up on screen sometimes but he hasn't seen any of that.
Gary asked Chris who his top Wack Packer of all time was. Chris said he couldn't get over the whole Eric the Actor thing. He said you think he'd get it but he never did. He always took the bait when they baited him for something. Jon asked where he listens. Chris said that he listens in the car since he's in L.A. and that's the best place to listen. Chris said he listens to 101 if he gets in the car when the same thing is playing that heard when he got out.
Jon said they're celebrating 30 million subscribers today. Gary said they didn't push it that much but Robin was supposed to take her top off. Jon said he thinks it was 20 million. Gary said she should take her top off twice. Gary said if Howard didn't go to Sirius they would have gone out of business. Chris said what impresses him about the fans is when they come up with a song so fast. He asked if Sour Shoes was in the studio today. Gary said he was. Chris said he has to meet that guy. Gary said he's kind of scary at times. Chris said that he heard about the stuff he brings to the show. Gary said he was wearing a blonde wig today and the guys were saying he reminds them of Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. Jon asked Julian what he thinks about Sour. Julian said he's really good.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Chris if he's scared that Erik is going to develop a crush on him and try to fuck him like he does with Donnie. Chris said he shook his hand and it was very wet. He said he would never want to Steal Donnie's action. He said he's all Donnie's. Gary said Chris is 3000 miles away so that makes it tougher.
Jon said that Erik and Joey gave a bit of an update and Erik seems to think that he's going to end up living with Joey even though he's said that won't happen. Gary said Erik is a burden and a chore. He said he doesn't think Joey is going to go see him every day. He said Erik may have to find a new Joey.
Chris asked if Joey is really moving. Gary said Joey came into some money and he can afford to move out on his own. He said he has enough to buy something. He said Joey didn't know how to tell Erik he can't bring him. Chris said you can't write this stuff. Gary said you can and it's called ''Of Mice And Men.''
Jon said Joey seems to need a bit of a break from Erik. He said Erik is a big job to take care of. Gary said Erik was relentless asking Howard for an iPad. He said he wants to be able to listen to music on the plane even though he has an iPhone to listen on.
Chris said he has seen Jeff the Drunk on Periscope. He said it's amazing. He said that he is always bent over that counter. He said it's unbelievable. He said he's never purchased anything from his wish list though.
Jon said Julian met one of the Wack Packers this morning. Julian said he didn't know it at the time but it was Will the Farter. They went to break a short time later. Julian played them out with a song about being stuck in the green room with Will the Farter.
Chris said he's been a fan for a long time. He said that he was just excited to be there. He said he didn't get to sit with Howard for 2 hours like Louie did. He said maybe another time.
Jon said Howard can't get past how Louie had to take out a line of credit for his show. He said Howard thinks he's out of his mind to do that. Jon said Louie wants to do it his way though. Gary said that you never put up your own money for a product. He said that's the rule in Hollywood. Gary asked if Louie is an actor, a comedian or a filmmaker. Jon said he seems to be all of those things. He said he just gets things done on his own. He said he had a great line today about turning down magazine covers because he doesn't want to see the magazine and be sick of seeing himself. He said he just rolls up his sleeves and gets things done.
Chris said it must be the complete control thing that works for Louie. He said he thinks Howard could have made it work on his own if he didn't come to Sirius. Gary said he has crazy respect for people who do things on their own but he feels bad for the people who crash and burn.
Jon said he loved that Joe Pesci story too. He said Louie got to know Joe and got some feedback and notes. Gary said that he also talked about how you just ask someone to do something and don't apologize for it. He said it's great that he's doing that. He said asking Paul Simon is the one he'd think was the hardest. Chris said a lot of times if you can get face to face you can get people to do things. He said that they usually have so many people around them that you can't get to them.
Jon said that Chris has been at the Emmys and he knows what it's like to be there. He said Louie talked about how he blew off rehearsal and just did his thing the next day. Jon asked if they can see Louie hosting the Oscars. Gary said he can. He said people hate it when someone like Letterman does it though. They spent a little more time talking about that and then went to break. Jon thanked Chris for coming in and let him go before they went to break. Julian played them out with a song about Louis C.K.
Jon took a call from a guy who brought up Will the Farter and he wondered if it really smells when he's sucking air in. Gary said there is a smell but it might not be as bad as when it's an original fart. He said Will was doing something today that was really crazy. He said he's on his back and he wiggles his butt cheek and then puts his finger near his butt hole. He said it was like Miles Davis playing. Jon said Howard was looking forward to that the most this morning. He said he has a soft spot in his heart for Will. Gary said he has a soft spot for farts in general. Jon said in terms of the smell there is a smell and it all depends on what Will had the night before. He said it varies.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Bobo auditioning to be the show announcer. Gary said he wondered who was looking for that. He said as soon as he hears other Wack Packers doing it then he wants to be involved. He said he's sure Big Foot isn't keeping track of who is doing what but Bobo is.
Jon said Tan Mom called in this morning too. Gary said she isn't the best story teller. He said she doesn't go from A to B to C.
Jon said he doesn't want to let the 30 Million subscriber thing pass. He said think about that number for a second. He said you can't find that kind of audience. Gary said you have to remember where they were when Howard announced they were coming there. He said they had 400,000 subscribers. Gary said they were up to like 1.5 million or something by the time they got there. He said that they just kept going up and up. Gary said he doesn't know where it ends.
Jon got in some plugs for today's Sternthology and wrapped up. He had Julian play them out. They were done around 12:10pm.
Howard started the show with JD singing ''The Great American Nightmare.'' Howard said they love when people sing. He let JD sing for a short time.
Howard played a clip of Mark the Bagger telling us who is on the show today. He said that Ice Cube will be on today. Howard said he's straight outta Compton. Howard said he's shot out of a cannon after having his coffee. He said he had to do without it for a few weeks. Howard said Jason was in there the other day and he spiled his coffee. Howard said he found a coffee cup holder that won't let it fall over. Howard said they're attached to his desk. Howard said it stays fixed so it won't spill. Howard said he doesn't spill usually though. Howard said he loves that Starbucks. He said he feels alive like he's 20. He said he misses that feeling. He said they were sick for a couple of weeks and the coffee was drying out his throat.
Howard asked how big this coffee is. Robin said she would guess 20 ounces. Gary said that is correct. Robin said she knows her cups. Howard said he has a song about Robin in honor of Ice Cube coming in. He played the parody and Robin asked if that's Psych. Howard said that's someone who works there actually.
Howard asked if Benjy drinks coffee. Benjy said he used to drink like 5-8 cups a day but he got such bad headaches when he didn't that he had to stop. Howard was still going crazy after his coffee. Howard said of course Benjy had to drink 5-8 cups of the stuff.
Howard said he has a message of hope from Mark the Bagger about hermaphrodites. Howard played that and Mark said just take it one day at a time and you'll find courage. He said you might be one but you can stop. Howard said he would chop off his cock and keep his vagina if he was one. Howard said he thinks you don't have balls if you're a hermaphrodite. Robin said they're not quite sure which way to go when you have that. Robin said that parents don't know what to do so they're better off letting the kid decide what to do when they get older.
Howard said he has a phony phone call to play. He said they took the JDini character and called an internet radio show about economics and said he was William Hung. Howard said it's actually regular JD and not JDini. Howard said they tell the show it's William Hung from American Idol. Howard played the call and Richard calls this show and says he manages William Hung. He tells the host he has some new clips of a William Hung song and plays clips of JD singing various songs. The host doesn't seem to know what to do. Her computer locks up and she can't hang up.
Howard said what's great about these shows is that they don't get any calls. He said he's not sure why she didn't want to let him sing new songs. Robin said she said she had to preview the songs first. Howard said just be happy someone called. Robin said the internet shows have really sophisticated phone calls.
Howard said these people with podcasts think they can do good shows. Howard said they give out shows there like they're nickels too. Howard said they have people with zero radio experience. Howard said they think you can stick anyone on radio. Howard said he can't even stand hearing people talk at a party. He said most people are awful at it. Howard said that they can't get ratings. Howard said you can't just talk and get ratings. Howard said he hates what's happened to this industry. Howard said if you're not making money you're not in the game. Howard said he was in the game even when he was making $4 an hour. Howard said go out and get a job in radio.
Howard said they give everyone a show there. Howard said it's verbal diarrhea. Howard said they gave the doorman from Studio 54 his own show. Howard said Andy Cohen is loading up his channel with everyone he can find. Howard said they have people on who have no right broadcasting. Howard said it's a waste of time. Howard said he has to take over this company. Robin said it's going to be trimmed down. Howard said Eminem has never even been in the building and he has his own channel. Howard said it's unbelievable. Howard said he meets people who say ''I have a radio show, just like you!'' Howard said no you don't! He said he was number 1 in markets all over the country.
Howard said he was looking at the ratings in New York that came out yesterday. He said he sees the Hispanic station is number 1 in New York. Howard said when they were on that never happened. Howard said they were so dominant that no one could beat them. Howard said now they have a Spanish speaking channel at number 1. Howard said there was one sheriff in town when he was on. He said it was Dirty Howie.
Howard said Donny Deutsch has his own show. Robin said he puts his kids on his show. She said that he thinks his life is interesting. Howard said he talked to the guy for hours at a party. He said he was telling him about all of this stuff he was doing. He said Scott Greenstein will give anyone a show there. Howard said he would outlaw half of these podcasters if he was President.
Howard said they say that in Australia they confiscated all of the guns and the murders are down. Howard said that's a myth. Howard said the murder rate with guns is down but the murder rate is up with other ways to kill people. Howard said if you have a gun you can shoot the guy with a baseball bat in the head. Howard said he's sick of everybody. Howard said he's too smart for this world.
Howard read about some of the people who have shows there on SiriusXM. Howard said that Andy Cohen got Baba Booey'd on his show yesterday and he was thrilled about it.
Howard said they made the big announcement about having over 30 million subscribers. Howard said he dug up tape from the year 2005 predicting that they'd have 30 million subscribers. Howard played a clip where he predicted that in 10 years they'd have 30 million subscribers.
Robin said she thinks Howard traveled into the future and saw the facts and came back and said that. Howard said his predictions are good.
Howard said he was reading in the Washington Post about some prediction he made about Donald Trump. Howard said he's mentioned in that article too. Howard said he got a rating of 10 out of 10. He read what they said about how he predicted that Trump will win the nomination. Robin said there are a lot of shenanigans going on to keep him from getting the nomination. Howard said Trump has benefited from the rules too. He said Trump is polling at 50 percent in New York and he will get all of the delegates if he wins. Howard said that the parties can do whatever they want. Howard said if anyone doesn't like it they should start another party.
Howard said on August 24th he predicted Trump would get the nomination. Howard said Joe Scarborough got a 7 out of 10 saying that Trump is underestimated. Howard said there were 5 people who predicted it early but he was the definitive one. Howard said it's rare that he gets that kind of notice. Fred played a clip of JDini saying ''Congratulations'' in a goofy voice.
Howard said Fred said ''Believe in your own idea and vision.'' He also said don't let other people define you and people can change no matter what age. Howard said he has changed but most people can't.
Howard said Benjy had some good ones. He said don't listen to music when you run. Howard said that's right. Howard said Benjy had the three most succinct answers. Howard said he also said chop bananas and freeze them. He said he also learned that George Washington was the best president.
Howard said Sal had some good answers too. Howard said number one was that you don't need shaving cream to shave. Howard said he's saved a lot of money because of that. Howard said he shaves without cream and he doesn't change his blade either. Howard said he's been using the same blade for 5-10 years.
Howard said he taught Sal to sympathize.
Howard said Richard learned that 5 Seconds of Summer sucks. He also said he learned that Leslie West is the best guitarist around.
Howard said that JD learned honesty is the best policy and get to the point quick. Howard said Scott learned to recorded everything and how to do push ups. Howard said Memet leaned that money doesn't buy happiness. Howard said he leaned that you don't have to be born great to be great at something. He learned about using wet wipes too.
Howard said Robin learned one thing from him. Robin said she's learned many but she didn't have time to think about it like everyone else. Robin said she also learned to let someone finish a sentence before cutting them off. Howard said Robin taught him bravery. Howard said death was staring her down and she was laughing. Howard said she kept an attitude like no one else. Howard said she had more energy than he had after spending 12 hours on the operating table. Howard said he knew she was going to survive. Howard said medical experts said that she was going to last 3-5 years at the most. Howard said he had to be prepared for that. Howard said he's not kidding. He said that's the report he got. Howard said they removed half of Robin's insides. Howard said then Dr. Agus came and said they were going for a cure. Howard said if he ever gets a major illness he's going to act like Robin.
Howard said he learned not to let Benjy visit when he's sick too. He said Robin kept him out of her room. Robin said he wanted to come to the hospital and to the apartment. Howard asked Robin to teach him how she did that. Benjy said Robin would tell him to call back the next day. Robin said she didn't feel like that was the best thing. She said one thing you have to do is protect yourself and that's what she was doing. Howard said he saw a lot of people there and Benjy was never allowed in. Robin said she didn't know who would be coming through the door. Howard said if it's Benjy you know it's not really him. Howard said she let Charles Manson right in but not Benjy. Howard said he'd do the same.
Howard joked that Robin let Human Newman in the room. Howard said he sees that guy up there sometimes. Robin said she doesn't even know what he looks like. Robin said he has to point him out to her some day.
Howard said they were out at a Trump rally too. Howard played a clip of a guy with a raspy voice talking about Trump and other things. The guy had some interesting thoughts on things. Howard said he's looking for him to be their announcer.
Howard said they had a lot of people chanting ''build that wall'' and had some audio of people chanting when someone was kicked out of the rally.
Howard played some clips of some people who they interviewed at a Trump rally. They had guys talking about Hillary and why she's not right for this country. Howard had one guy commenting about the statement Trump made about women with flat chests not being able to be a 10. The guy disagreed with that. Howard said he agrees with that guy. He said there are plenty of 10s who don't have big boobs.
Howard said Trump has female fans too. Howard played an interview with a woman who said that she's all for Trump and she went off on Hillary about being a liar. Howard said that's the rap about her. They think Hillary is a liar. Howard said there was a black guy at the rally who was selling Trump pins. He wasn't a supporter but he was selling the pins to make money off of Trump. The guy was laughing at all of his own answers. He was all for Howard being on the Supreme Court. He also talked about how he'd bend Robin over and eat her ass and then plug her. Howard said he was one of 4 black people at the rally. Howard said he was selling pins though.
Howard had a clip of a Trump supporter saying that Obama is a domestic terrorist. He had some other comments about Hillary Clinton who he thinks is living a lie and she's a twat.
Howard said there's a lot going on at these rallies. Howard said he has a clip of a guy who has an interesting cough. Howard played that and the guy sounded like he had Tourette's or something and he was making a cough sound when he'd start a sentence.
Howard said they threw out their microphone after that interview. Howard said that sounds like a tick of some kind. He said it's like a stutter and cough combined. Howard said it's kind of cool because you can think before you speak.
Howard replayed the coughing guy. Howard said he's like Golddust the wrestler. Howard said the guy who did the interview said that guy was all wet from sweat. Steve Nowicki came in because he was the guy who did the interviews. Steve said a lot of the protesters looked insane. Howard asked if he backed up when he was coughing. Steve said he did. He said one guy drooled when he was speaking. Howard said the guy coughing even grossed out Jeff the drunk.
Howard played more audio of people chanting. Howard asked if he had any other observations. Steve said there were a lot of cops there and if they weren't he's sure there would have been more outbreaks of violence. Howard let Steve go after that.
Howard said Shadoe Stevens turned him on to a show called Peaky Blinders. Robin said she told him about that show. Howard said it's great. He said she didn't share that with him. Robin said it's a Netflix show. Howard said it's from England. Howard said he downloaded it from Apple. Robin said he can watch it on his iPad. Howard said you have to be on WiFi to do that. Howard said the show takes place in the 1900s. Howard said it's like the Sopranos if it was in England.
Howard said he also watched Dice's new sitcom and it's really good. Howard said it's really funny. Howard said Dice did a nice job with that. Robin asked if he likes historical dramas. Howard said not really. He said he won't watch Downton Abby. Howard said he doesn't like that. Robin said there are other shows like The Tutors and The Borges. Howard said he likes Peaky Blinders because they kill people. Robin said they do that in those other shows too. Howard said he's not interested.
Howard said he's looking forward to Suicide Squad. Robin said she is too. Robin said there are shows that have bad names and she can't watch them because of that. Howard said if he came back to TV he'd have a great name for a show. Howard said he has to take a break. He said one day he wants to do a show with no breaks. Robin said they did that at the beginning. Robin told Howard his iPhone can be his WiFi on the road. Howard said no, it can only be LTE. Robin said she watches her Netflix in the car that way. Howard said he can't do that. Howard said he doesn't want to talk about this anymore. Robin said he can see Netflix in his car. Howard said he's exhausted from this.
Fred played a clip of Ronnie yelling ''FBI! Everybody down!'' so Howard explained that it was Ronnie telling them about being on Limitless. Howard said Ronnie thinks he's a great actor but you know he's not. Howard said he's walking around there all full of himself. He said Michael Caine left a message about that. Howard played fake Michael yelling about him not being a real actor and how Stephanie is the real actor.
Howard said he's going to say goodbye to him now. He said that he's going to say goodbye forever. Howard said they're going solo now and breaking up the band. Hanzi said Howard never gave him props for what he did for the show. Howard said he can call some other show now. Robin said he's taking off the bands and he can grow somewhere else.
Howard said it was really nice knowing him. Hanzi said Howard is the one who fucked with him. Howard said he's not going to do that anymore. He said he's going to leave him alone. Howard said Hanzi says shit about his wife and kids and he hopes High Pitch Erik fucks him in the ass. Hanzi said Howard has said things about people's kids before too. Howard kept saying goodbye but didn't hang up. Hanzi asked why he's such a psych. Howard said he is a pussy. He asked why he calls if he is. Howard said he got out of his parents basement but Hanzi hasn't. Hanzi said Howard sold his soul. He said he's also a Zionist. Howard said he can go start a podcast. Howard said goodbye one more time and hung up. He said he's done with him. They played his theme song ''Imran Khan'' and Howard said he had a friend in him but now it's over. Howard said see ya. He said let that be a lesson to everyone out there. He said he can ban people from the show. Howard said now he can go and talk to the wall in his parent's basement. They went to break after that.
Howard said some of these guys give it up after two times. Howard said when you get something good you stick with it. Howard said he has been offered shit over the years and he could have gone up against Johnny Carson. He said he would have beat his ass. Howard said the shit he would have put on TV would have been crazy. Howard said he was tempted but he passed. Howard said he had something good going with his radio show so he passed. Howard said they would have watered him down and he would have been off TV in 13 weeks. Howard said he would have hired Ed McMahon away from Johnny. Howard said he would have let him sit there saying ''Hey oh!'' after everything he says.
Howard said then he would have had High Pitch Erik fuck Hanzi on TV. Howard Shuli brought High Pitch Erik back to his office and he had a dildo back there and Erik wasn't able to wrap his head around what it was. It was a jelly dildo. Howard played some audio of Erik not knowing what to do with it. Erik said it's not for men. Shuli had to explain that men can use it too. Erik said men can't get off to that. Shuli asked why. Erik said it doesn't vibrate. Erik said you need something to vibrate on your penis area. He thought the dildo went in the penis area. Shuli asked if a man can get pleasure from that if it's in his ass. Erik said it depends on what the guy's situation is.
Howard said Shuli gets that voice like he's the teacher. He said he is good with the Wack Pack. Howard said the conversation continues. Howard played more of the audio of Erik asking for a vibrator to pleasure himself. Shuli asked if he's used one before. Erik said he has. He said he puts it on his penis. He said he uses it when he watches Blue Bloods.
Howard said Erik did have a vibrator at one point. Howard had High Pitch Erik tell them who is on the show. Erik said today's special guest is Ice Cube. Howard said he'll be there in about an hour. Howard said there's a list of the top grossing black films of all time and he's in 3 of them. Robin asked who. Howard said Ice Cube. Robin said she thought he was talking about High Pitch Erik. Robin guessed that one movie was Friday. Howard said no. Gary said it's Barbershop, Barbershop 2 and Are We There Yet.
Howard said he grew up in a place tougher than Compton. Howard said he thinks Roosevelt could kick Compton's ass. Howard said the schools in Compton are still run by the community but the schools in Roosevelt are run by the state. Howard said that things have to be really bad for the state to take it over. Howard said the guys he grew up with are mostly dead. Howard said they just kill you in Roosevelt.
Howard said at the Masters Tournament they won't let you yell out Baba Booey. Howard said if you do yell it out you get kicked out and so does the person who brought you there. That person is thrown out permanently. Howard said someone did get out a Baba Booey at the Masters. Howard said they risked everything to get it out. Howard played the clip and a guy did yell out Baba Booey. Howard said he's not sure what happened after that. Howard said he might be from Roosevelt. Robin said she'd like to meet that person. They went to break after that.
Robin said Jaden thinks he's going to be the leader of the country some day. Howard said it must be hard to have Will Smith as your dad. Howard said he was able to surpass his father but surpassing Will Smith would be hard. Howard said the kid is good looking because his parents are good looking. Howard said if he wrote a poem his dad would have yelled at him. He said he won a writing award once for writing something about fire prevention. Howard said his dad didn't even read it.
Gary came in and said he went to a party once and Will's kids were there just jamming out on the side. He said they were so uninhibited. He said they didn't care that there were other people around. Howard said when he was that age he had the life of a snail. Gary said he didn't want people to notice him at that age. He said they didn't care.
Howard played a song parody for Gary's throat clearing. Howard thanked him for not doing that when he was in there.
Howard played a phony phone call the guys made to an internet radio show using clips of Howard talking about the long hairs on his penis. After that Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard said that pee goes everywhere. He said he cleans up but some guys don't. Robin said it's really bad in a plane. Robin said in any moving thing it's bad. Howard said you have to sit if you're on a plane. Howard said it's too small in there. Howard said line the seat with paper and just sit down. Howard said some people wear socks into the bathroom on a plane. Howard said they're disgusting. Howard said it's not your living room at home. Howard said he doesn't even do that at home.
Howard said he has to tell this story about Jim Baker. Howard said he's the guy who was involved with Jessica Hahn. Howard said he's back on TV with a beard. Howard said he's a genius. He said you don't recognize the guy now. He said he's super skinny and old now. Howard said he must be jealous of Glenn Beck selling the survivalist stuff. Howard said Jim is pushing food in big plastic garbage pail looking things. Howard said that it's like a drum. Howard said he's talking about using them as tables in your home. Howard said it's the ugliest stuff you can buy. Howard said then he's selling a shovel. Howard said that's because when the end of the world comes you have to dig a hole to shit and pee in.
Howard said he's going to go into Jim Baker's house and take his shit. Howard said he's going to go into Glenn Beck's house too. Howard said he's a top dog and he's going to take their shit. Howard said he doesn't need to buy anything. Howard said he's going to be taking their shit instead.
Howard said he has audio of Jim Baker talking about this stuff. He said he has a woman there to help him out. Howard said if he isn't going to worry about where his shit is going if the world is ending. Howard played some audio of Jim Baker talking about this stuff and asking people what they're going to do if the world is ending. Jim was avoiding saying the word ''poo'' so he said they won't say that word. He said people have to do this stuff and they have to be able to bury it somewhere. Howard said he's stumped on what to say.
Howard said this guy fucked Jessica Hahn and she claimed it was rape and he said it was consensual. Howard said he's not sure if they ever cleared that up in court. Howard said now he's selling a shovel so you can bury your shit.
Howard played more of the clip and Jim is telling people to prepare for this day. He asked how many of the people there bought a shovel. He said there aren't many. Jim asked what you're going to dig a hole with. He said you need a shovel.
Howard said he has white plastic buckets with a red top and it has advertising on the side. Howard said it's filled with freeze dried food like the astronauts have. Howard said he says buy a ton of buckets and if you don't have the room just stick them under furniture. Howard played some of that audio too. Jim and his co-host talked about how to stock it up and fill your house with it. Jim said you can make end tables and coffee tables out of this stuff. H said just do it.
Howard said in the old days Jim could get money out of you and not have to sell something. Howard said he should have gone that route. Howard said he's sure he could have sold this stuff to his listeners. Howard said you have to completely remove your soul to do that. Howard said Jim Baker is back for the end of the world. Robin asked why God is ending their world. Howard said he has to do that because you're a sinner.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Howard would rather bang Electra or Karen on Daredevil. Howard said Electra. Howard said he didn't have to think about it. Howard said Karen's not his type. Howard said Electra is his type. Howard said Electra is a 10.
Howard read about a thing that Jim Baker has on his web site. it's $9,960 and it's like 7,000 servings of pasta. Howard said that's enough for 20 years if the zombie apocalypse happens. Howard said the stuff has a 20 year shelf life. Howard said they should get that.
Jon Hein came in and told Howard you get 161 boxes of pasta and tomato sauce. He said they each have 48 servings. Howard said he's trying to figure out where to stick that stuff. Howard said there should be a law about not allowing that guy on TV. Howard said someone is buying this stuff. Howard said he has to get to Ice Cube. Howard said he's in the next room. Howard said he has to break to get his shit together. He said he's overcome a lot of stuff. Howard said he became a rap star and then crossed over to have a movie career. Howard went to break a short time later. They played an Elephant Boy bit, a Mark the Bagger singing clip and Sour Shoes singing the National Anthem as Gary, Artie, Mad Dog and Scott Ferrall as they went to break.
Howard came back and said Ice Cube is there to promote his new Barbershop movie ''Barbershop: The Next Cut.'' Howard said last time he was on was in 1998. Howard asked where he's been. Ice said he's just been busy doing his thing. Howard said congratulations on his induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Howard said N.W.A. was nominated a couple of years ago but they didn't get in until ''Straight Outta Compton'' the movie did so well.
Howard asked Ice to explain why they didn't perform at the Hall of Fame. Ice said they weren't really supporting them. He said they were just looking for a table down front. Howard said the production looks sort of cheap. Howard asked if he's correct. Ice said he is. Howard said the performers look lost in the darkness. Ice said that's right and you have to put your own production together. He said they started to do that but they had to pay for everything so they gave up. Howard said they do sell advertising so you want to look good on camera. Howard said you have to sound good too. Ice said a lot of those groups still perform but people haven't seen them in years. He said they can show what they got.
Howard said that you don't get tickets to bring anyone. Howard said you get 2 per person. Ice said that's it. Howard said they ask for $10,000 per head at a table if you want to bring someone with you. Ice said you're out 100 grand if you bring a big group. Howard said Ice Cube can afford it but then you're putting on the show so why should he have to put that money out? Ice said that's kind of how the groups feel. He said it feels like a money grab but it is the hall of fame.
Howard said they decided not to perform there. Howard said then Gene Simmons of KISS says that N.W.A. isn't rock and roll. Ice said he's met Gene and he's been nice and he thinks he's just wrong on this one thing. Robin said here are plenty of non rockers in the hall of fame. Howard said it's weird to argue it out on Twitter with Gene Simmons. Ice said Gene hit him up on Twitter. Howard said Gene says he's looking forward to the death of rap. Howard said Ice wrote back that hip hop is there forever, get used to it. Ice said that was someone else who said that. Ice got into it after that and said that he can write to him when Jimi Hendrix is in the hip hop hall of fame.
Ice said Gene is just wrong in this. He said it's the spirit of the music. He said it was going on before they even called it rock and roll. Robin said Ice is an innovator. She said they took it to a place that it hadn't been before. Ice asked ''Ain't that rock and roll?''
Ice said he thinks Gene is wrong but he understands the attitude. He said he hates it when rap guys go to the band. He said he's old school with the albums and all of that. He said get used to it because they're in.
Howard asked Ice Cube what it was like for him personally when he left the band over money and went solo. Howard said it caused a huge rift between him and Dr. Dre. Howard asked how long they went being pissed at each other. Ice said that was brief to him. He said he wanted to work with Dre when he went solo but the other guys vetoed that. He said he did some solo stuff and some stuff with Public Enemy. He said they got together again in 98.
Howard asked if it was painful for him. Ice said it was. He said it was painful because Dre was his mentor. He said he was in the game because of Dre. He said he would hang with him at 15 years old instead of going to school. Howard asked if his parents were pissed about that. Ice said that his parents both worked at UCLA had good jobs. Howard said he got into a good college himself. Ice said he did get into Phoenix Technical School for Architecture. He said that his mom was happy that he was hanging out doing something instead of hanging out on the streets. Ice said he was cool to be with people who were doing something different.
Howard asked if his parents asked him to do something in architecture. Ice said they didn't do that to him. He said that his mom said she liked the records and that he was doing them but she asked why he had to cuss so much. He said she was upset that she couldn't play it for her friends.
Howard said that the odds of N.W.A. becoming a success is really out there. Howard said Dre and Ice were in it together. He asked if he felt betrayed that he didn't leave with him. Ice said he was showing him that the writing was on the wall. He said he had a lawyer on the side and they didn't know. He said the lawyer was telling him what not to sign. He said he was telling both of them that this stuff wasn't right. He said management wasn't cutting the money up right.
Howard asked if Dre came to him and said he was wrong. Ice said that he did. He said he told him he was caught up in it all.
Howard said that Ice Cube's name is actually O'Shea. Ice said his mom liked the name OJ and that's close to it so that's what she named him. Howard said he has an older brother who had girls calling him all the time. Howard said he would hit on them all the time. Ice said when he found out what he was doing he cornered him and told him to stop talking to his women. Ice said they saw a case where this kid got stuck in a refrigerator and his brother told him that's what he was going to do to him and he'd be an Ice Cube when he got out. Ice said he took that as a badge of honor and said that his name is Ice Cube now.
Howard said when he changed his name to Ice Cube he had to tell everyone that's his name. Ice said he told people to call him that or he won't answer people. Howard said Robin tried to change her name to Robin Ophelia and Fred changed his name to Eric. Howard said no one listened to them.
Howard said he lost his O'Shea name and just told people to call him Ice or Cube. He said he won't answer to O'Shea.
Howard said that N.W.A. was a controversial group. Howard said even now there must be people who hold it against him. Ice said sure. He said that the cops tell him that they have been big fans for a long time. Robin asked if he gets crap for playing cops in movies. Ice said that's make believe so it's not a big deal.
Howard asked if his view has changed about police at all. Ice said not really. He said he likes good police but they criticize them for having a no snitching policy in their hoods but they have the same thing in the police. He said he has a problem with the good cops when it comes to that.
Howard asked if he has ever had to call the cops. Ice said he has. He said if someone tries to break into his house he'll call the police. He said if they get there in time and he doesn't have to kill anyone he's good.
Howard said when they look back on musicians a lot of them get ripped off. Howard said especially when you're coming out of a bad area. Howard said Ice sued his manager. He said he never did. He said what happened was when he left the group they started to pay him. He said he didn't understand it. He said he didn't get why he was being paid after he left. He said his lawyer told him they probably wanted him out of the way and paid him under the table so they didn't have to pay the other guys what they were owed.
Howard asked if there are a lot of jealous people in his life. Ice said he's had that. He said that his brother has taught him how to fight and things like that. He said he doesn't work with him anymore and that's the way to do things.
Howard said Ice's solo career worked out really well. Howard asked if he missed Dre. Ice said he knew he could rhyme but he wasn't sure how to produce the music. He said he had Sir Jinx with him and he's Dre's cousin. He said he taught him how to rap on beat. He said he was the only one who had turntables and the equipment. He said he'd go to his house and he had 12 inch records with a beat and he'd tell him to rap to it. He said he was off beat so he taught him how to do it right.
Howard said that was a nice thing of him to do. He said it is a learning curve. Howard asked how long it took before he got good at it. Ice said it took 2 or 3 days to get into it. He said this was in like 1985 or 84. He said that Grandmaster Flash was out and Run DMC was starting out. He said that they were big fans of Public Enemy too. Howard said 911 is a Joke is one of the best songs ever. Howard said even a whitey like him can get into it. Ice said it is one of the best produced songs out there.
Howard asked if hip hop has killed regular rock and roll. Ice said it's easier to get into and it has hurt traditional music playing. He said if you need a baseline or something you have to go back to the old dudes and not the computer instruments.
Howard asked if Ice plays any instruments. He doesn't. Howard asked if he regrets that. Ice said he does. He said his daughter plays and he's jealous. He said he wishes he knew how to play that stuff. Howard said he can see him playing Trombone. Ice said he'd be a Sax guy.
Howard said Ice came out of N.W.A. and that's short for Niggaz Wit Attitude. Howard said that's intense when people find out. Ice said they never thought they were going to go any further than Compton. He said they had very small aspirations. He said they were just looking to fuck the chick down the street.
Howard asked if he was ever scared on stage. Ice said when they had police threatening them before the show that was scary. He said that the Beastie Boys were going crazy trashing hotels and stuff and they got away with it. He said they'd try to stay in a hotel and they were turned away.
Howard asked if they felt like the Beatstie Boys were ripping off the black culture. Ice said that Rick had them in the right spot. He said that Dre had them rapping like the Beatstie Boys. He said that they were as big as Run DMC or any of those other groups. Howard said being white in a rap group can go horribly wrong. Ice said that you have to be a real beat boy and not a fake one. He said you can be accepted.
Howard said the worst is when a white guy pretends to be from Compton. Howard said Eminem came from a fucked up place so he gets away with it. Robin said Vanilla Ice was a mess. Howard said he still likes ''Ice, Ice Baby.''
Howard asked Ice about John Singleton putting him in Boys In the Hood. Howard asked if he ever believed he could have a movie career. Ice said he never did. He said he had to audition for the movie. Ice said it was all John's idea. He said John was an intern at the Arsenio Hall show. He said he wanted to get some of the guys on Arsenio and he went up to talk to Arsenio about getting them on. Ice said John Singleton came up to him and said he's a junior at USC and he thought he was perfect for his movie. He said John was helping him out to get to Arsenio so he got to talking and he told him about this script. He said he was like ''whatever'' and didn't believe him. He said that he was a junior at USC and he didn't have a career. He said he's not even an actor. He said they were all nuts. Ice said he saw John a year later and came up to him telling him he's a senior now and he's perfect for his movie.
Howard asked how he closed the deal with him on that. Ice said that John graduated with honors. He said he wrote the movie during his tenure. Howard asked if he read the script. Ice said he had forgotten about the guy. He said he got the script and went to the audition. He said he walked in and it was him. He said it was John. Ice said he was for real with that movie. Howard said he managed to raise $6.5 million for the movie. Ice said he auditioned and he was terrible. He said he sucked. Ice said John was worried. He said he found out he couldn't act. Ice said he didn't read the script. He said he told him to go home and read the script and try it again. He said if he's good he's good. Otherwise he'd have to cast someone else. Ice said he read it and took it serious from then on. He said he's been doing that ever since.
Howard asked if he has taken any acting lessons. Ice said he went for 2 days during Boys in the Hood. He said that he did it but he hated it. He said that Laurence Fishburn wondered why he was going because he was already in the movie. Howard said if you have the natural ability then just go with it. Howard said it could screw him up.
Howard asked if he has a learning curve in the movie making. Ice said that John had some workshops that they did to get to know how to do it. He said they had improv that was cool and when they got on set they were cool.
Howard asked if he went to the premier and all of that. Ice said he did. He said he had seen it before. He said John was all excited about it but he hated it. He said that he didn't like the way it looked. It didn't even look like a movie yet. He said it was unfinished and he couldn't see it. He said that he told his manager this was the worst mistake he'd ever made. Ice said it took the wind out of his sails. He said he went to see it with an audience and that was when it blew him away.
Howard said Ice then decided to write his own film ''Friday.'' Ice said that was the third one he wrote actually. He said that John asked him when he was going to write a script. He said he didn't think he qualified for that. He said John told him he could do that. He said he started to write something called America Eats It's Young and then another one he brought to John. He said they got better as he wrote more. Ice said that he learned how to write scripts and ended up with his third script. He said they had seen all of these movies that showed their neighborhood as hell holes but they had fun growing up. Ice said that's how Friday started. Howard said he made about 28 million with that so he was on his way.
Howard said Ice got cast in Three Kings with Wahlberg and Clooney. Howard said that's crossover time. Ice said that was a big gig. He said at that time they were labeling him as a rapper/actor. He said David O. Russell wanted him for the movie. He said he thinks he didn't want Clooney but he had to take him. Howard asked if he kept his acting the same. Ice said he kept it natural. He said that's the best thing for him. Howard said he has some franchises that he could keep going for years. He said he's been in a bunch that can have more sequels. Howard said he's a fucking star and he thinks he could green light any movie. Ice said he doesn't think so. He said there's still a process to get a movie made. He said that they do that to keep things from getting out of hand. Howard asked if he thinks he could get a movie made if he wanted to. Ice said he thinks he could if they had the right package.
Howard asked if he would like to have an office to write in. Ice said he'd rather be at home writing. Howard went through some of the movies Ice has been in. Howard said 21 Jump Street did really well. Howard said that box office is important so does he track it. Ice said you have to. Howard asked if he has a team that advises him on this stuff. Ice said he has agents and a manager that are great. He said he has a good team.
Howard said Straight Outta Compton did really well. Howard asked if he was upset that it didn't get an Oscar nomination. Ice said he was upset for a few minutes. He said he did wonder how good they have to be to get in there. He said they got a lot of pats on the back and a lot of accolades so he was fine. He said he didn't expect it to do as well as it did. Howard said it made $201 million. Howard said his son is in it too. Howard said that has to be weird. Howard said you almost have to say no to the kid when he asks to be in it. Ice said Howard has played himself in a movie. He asked how crazy that was. He said it seems even crazier than his son playing him. Howard said that they both had Paul Giamatti as the villain. Howard said that guy is great. Ice said he made people take their movie seriously. Howard said Paul is the villain and now the real guy is suing them. Ice said that's Jerry.
Howard said that brings them to the new project which is Barbershop: The Next Cut. Ice said he hopes they make enough to cover the cost of making the movie. Howard asked if that's his thing now. Ice said he still likes making music too. Howard asked if things are cool between him and Dre. Ice said he was at his house editing the movie. Howard asked when things were good finally. Ice said it was awkward for a while. He said Dre wanted him on Natural Born Killers and he was excited to go over there. He said Dre had a room full of mother fuckers in the house. He said he didn't know where Dre was. He said it was just him in the room. Howard asked if that's an intimidation thing. Ice said he thinks his house was just full of people back then. Howard asked if that's dangerous to have that going on. Ice said sure. He said people will walk off with shit.
Ice said things were cool as soon as they got together. He said it was just like the old days. He said they can go 10 years without talking and it'll be just like yesterday when they get together. Ice said that Dre has a lot of money now with the headphones thing. Howard said they're billionaires from those headphones. Howard asked Ice if he has anything like that coming out. Ice said he's just doing movies.
Howard said that he can see him doing 10 Barbershop movies. Howard said that Nicki Minaj is in the movie and they bring up a lot about her ass in the movie. Howard asked if she gets upset about that. Ice said she's a cool chick so she doesn't mind. Howard asked if he ever thinks about banging her. Ice said he's good with his wife.
Howard said the movie is being shown on Nicki Minaj's ass, is that right? Ice said that's Howard saying that. He said he didn't say it.
Howard asked about the music industry and how hard it is to make it now. Ice said the best thing to do is just be yourself. He said don't try to do something just to fit in. He said do you even if you think it feels played out. He said the fans want that. He said you can't fake it. Howard said he loves that advice.
Howard asked if he's smoking weed. Ice said sure. Howard asked if he has the medical stuff out in L.A. Ice said he does. He said he needs it because he gets anxiety. Howard asked if it helps him create. Ice said sometimes it does. He said he doesn't even care what kind it is as long as it's green. Robin said it's gotten stronger over the years. Ice said that's good.
Howard asked what movies they're up against. Ice said they're up against Jungle Book. He said their movie is great and he thinks they'll do okay if they make the kind of money he thinks they'll make. Howard asked if he wants to tell the people to say fuck the Jungle Book. Ice said if you want to see something real go see his movie. Howard gave him some more plugs and wrapped up. They went to break after that. They played a Rosie O'Donnell song from Howard's 2014 Birthday Bash as they went to break.
Howard came back and said that he cried when this band broke up. He said that a lot of the staff have movies coming out. Howard said Benjy is going to be in Sharknado 4. Benjy said that Ian Ziering is in it. He said Tara Reid is in it and Paul Shaffer is in it. He said he was in a scene with Stacey Dash. He said Elisa and her dog Kermit are in it too. Benjy said he has a lot of lines in this one. He said that he is playing a reporter named Howard Biel. He said Stacey is the mayor and she's real angry. He said their scene is kind of a parody of Wizard of Oz.
Howard asked if he can give them some of his lines. Benjy said he can't remember it actually. Howard said that's fascinating. Fred said Benjy isn't listed on IMDB. Benjy said he's sure he could add it today. Howard said he can't believe they're still making those Sharknado movies.
Howard said Ronnie will be in the TV show Limitless too. They played some audio of Ronnie yelling yesterday. Gary said Ronnie brought his script today and he can read some of his lines. Howard had Ronnie come in. Howard asked what's happening there.
Howard asked how many people were in Ice Cube's entourage. Ronnie said he had about 8. Howard said that's a lot. Howard said he'd love to do an interview with those people. Howard said he met his publicist and she was hot. Howard said a lot of them are.
Ronnie said he just has his cheat sheet from the TV show. He said that he doesn't have the whole script. Ronnie explained the scene that he's in and how he's been on his team but he doesn't know he's there. Ronnie read his lines as FBI agent Mundt. Howard said Ronnie seems to be yelling at the guy. Ronnie said he's supposed to be the angry guy. Howard said he's like Ronnie Day Lewis. Howard said he didn't realize he's supposed to be angry. Ronnie said he's on the team but the guy doesn't know him. Ronnie said they asked him to be angry for the scene.
Howard said Ronnie is aware that the word Mundt is on Urban Dictionary meaning ''male cunt.'' Ronnie said he wouldn't look that up. Howard said he looked it up.
Howard told Ronnie to go ahead with the script. Ronnie read more of his lines and Howard said he's Merryl Creep. Howard asked Fred and Robin what they think. Fred said it has potential. Robin said it's not really acting. Howard said he's playing himself. Howard asked Ronnie why he doesn't modulate his voice more. Ronnie tried doing that. Howard asked if he knows how to read. Ronnie sounded like he was struggling to Howard. Howard said he writes in Crayon. Ronnie said he wanted to be able to read without his glasses on.
Howard said in Ronnie's barbershop they have a picture of him hanging up. Ronnie said he has a lot of his clients hanging up. Ronnie said he thinks it's ridiculous so he yells at the guy.
Robin read more definitions for Mundt. Robin said it means vomit in Australia. Howard said Ronnie is in the FBI but is he mentally challenged. Ronnie asked what the fuck that is. Howard said congratulations to Ronnie on that. Howard said he will be on the finale for Limitless. Ronnie said it's on Tuesday nights on CBS.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who asked if Ronnie thinks this is going to lead to something bigger. Howard said he thinks that Ronnie does think he will get something. Howard said Howie Mandel thought Ronnie could have his own TV series. Howard said Howie called him to ask his permission to do a show but the show never did get off the ground. Howard said Howie went to try to get meetings on it and he was thrown out. Howard said he's not sure who Howie was meeting with.
King asked if Howie and Ronnie blame Howard for the show not getting picked up. Howard said he doesn't think so. He said he told Howie that he didn't have to give him any of the money from the show when he asked if he wanted a piece of the action.
Howard played a song parody about Ronnie wearing a cock ring to the tune of Mr. Mister's ''Broken Wings''. Howard said he'd love to have a show where Ronnie isn't a celebrity and he just drives a car for him. He said now he has a guy who is a TV star. Howard said he's not looking for that. He said he just wants a limo driver. Howard said he has a guy on a major TV show driving him around. Howard said that's why Ronnie gets pissed when he asks him to go pick up Beth somewhere. Howard said Ronnie acts like a big shot when he goes to these strip clubs.
King was laughing and asking if the cock ring is for fun or to keep him hard. Howard said Ronnie uses it for fun from what he's heard.
King asked Ronnie if he ever has a problem getting hard. Ronnie said if he's tired he does. King laughed. Ronnie asked why that's funny. He said his girlfriend gets tired and doesn't want to do it. King asked if he thinks that's the real reason. Ronnie brought up King's depression and asked if he's over that.
Ronnie said when he got back from the set on Saturday night the cock ring was flying. He said he was all pumped up. He said they ate dinner and then watched some TV. He said they watched some NASCAR in bed. He said they sleep nude. Howard said he's going to throw up. He asked Ronnie how he was feeling and if he knew it was going to happen. Ronnie said he knew. He said he just stuck the cock ring on his dick. He said they did the foreplay deal first. He said NASCAR was on in the background. Howard said then the cock ring goes on.
Howard asked if Ronnie does 69. Ronnie said sure he does. King asked if he has hair on his chest. Ronnie said he does. King laughed and said he's like a cave man. King asked why he'd have hair on his chest in 2016. Ronnie asked why he would shave that. King said that he's talking about up by his throat. Ronnie said it's not up there. King and Howard said it has to be up there but Ronnie said it's never been up there.
Howard asked how long Ronnie can go. Ronnie said he can go 5-6 minutes straight pumping. king said he's full of shit. Ronnie said he can call Stephanie and ask. Ronnie said King's wife will never come up there. He said King is whipped.
Howard asked if Ronnie's loads have gotten smaller. Ronnie said they have but it depends on how often they're doing it. Howard asked what the fuck is going on with King's phone connection. He said he just moved off the bed. King said he has a California King bed. Ronnie said he does too. They started comparing beds and features on the bed.
King asked if he has paneling in the basement. Ronnie said he did but he took it out. He said it's sheet rock now. King asked who made him take it down. Ronnie said he wanted to take it down. Howard said he doesn't believe that.
King asked Ronnie about painting his walls because this can tell him if he's classy or not. King said you paint a room and do you use eggshell, satin or semi-gloss on the walls. Ronnie said Satin. King said that's an okay answer. Ronnie said it's Benjamin Moore. Howard said he has to end this. King asked Ronnie if the walls are painted in Navajo white what color do you paint the ceiling? Ronnie said he doesn't know. He said most ceilings are in eggshell. King said no. He said you always paint the ceiling white. Always. Robin said that's not true. Ronnie said this guy is sick. Howard said he's right. Howard thanked him for the call.
Howard took a call from a guy who had another shitty phone connection. The caller said he's convinced that Ronnie is bi-sexual. Howard said he does talk a lot about fucking guys in the ass and things. Howard said he might experiment with guys. Ronnie said no. He said girls yes, guys no. Howard asked if he has fucked a girl with another guy in the room. Ronnie said he has not.
The caller asked if Ronnie would eat a woman after she got fucked by another guy and has cum in her. Ronnie said no. He said he would eat her ass though. Ronnie got in another plug for Limitless which is on tonight at 10. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin got back to her news but she asked Howard for the top 5 songs. Howard had them so he played Justin Bieber's song. He had Zayn Malik at number 4. He had Meghan Trainor at number 3. Howard said he Lucas Graham at number 2 and Rihanna at number 1. He played some other versions by Mark the Bagger, High Pitch Erik and Michael Rapaport. Robin said that Rihanna has tied the Beatles with that song. She's been at number 1 for 8 weeks now.
Howard said they pranked High Pitch Erik with a song called ''Fat Gay Slob'' and had him sing that. Howard said he'll do whatever they tell him to. Howard played Erik singing the fake song. Howard said anything they put in front of him he'll do. Howard said he hopes Erik is okay. He said he knows he has to go through that procedure. He said he's one of his favorites.
Robin read about a group of kids who convinced their sister that zombies were there. She had just had her wisdom teeth removed so she was still under the influence of the drugs she was sedated with. Howard said he watched that and it wasn't that good. Howard said he's not sure why they would do that to their sister. Robin had some audio of the guys fucking with their sister. Howard said he didn't see that part. He said that was good. He said the news didn't show that part. He said they showed the most boring part.
Robin read a story about David Ortiz's daughter singing the National Anthem at a game. Robin said he was surprised when she came out to sing. Howard said he doesn't get that. He said he has a NCAA championship game clip where a fan goes crazy over a last second shot. Howard said he wishes he could get into it that much. Fred played some audio of Benjy screaming which sounded similar. Howard played another clip of a guy getting pissed when that same shot happened. He was upset about the win though. Howard played another guy screaming when his team lost. Howard said that's the reaction he has when the Khaleesi doesn't get naked. Howard said some people are just so emotional. He said he wishes he could get off on sports like that. Howard had a clip of an announcer calling some fans ''jerk off fans.'' Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the band Spirit believing that Led Zeppelin ripped off a song of theirs. Robin said they wrote their song in 1965 and Zeppelin wrote theirs in 71. Howard said it's the same riff but not the same song. Howard played both and said they're similar riffs but not the same tons. Howard said they probably should get some money for that.
Robin read about what's going on with the North Carolina bathroom law and how people are getting upset about it. Robin had some audio of Jimmy Buffett slamming the bill but not cancelling his shows. Robin had some clips of other people talking about that story. One congressman said that he would have tried to get into the ladies room when he was a child.
Robin read a story about the Zika virus and how it's getting scarier as more is learned about it. Robin had some audio of someone talking about how we have to prepare for it in this country. Howard said that there is overcrowding and the viruses come from mosquitos in areas where they is a lot of swampy water. He said they say it's going to cause a lot of babies to be born that are like Beetlejuice. Robin said now they're saying that some people could be made very ill by the virus and they might come down with symptoms similar to MS. Howard said Mark the Bagger has a message of hope for people with the Zika virus. Howard played that and Mark says that God will lead you to the promised land. He said you will lead a good life even if you have a small head. Howard asked Robin if she would abort a baby if it had a Zika head. Robin said she thinks she would. Howard said he would too. He played another message of hope for Zika babies from Tan Mom. Tan Mom said your child may have a small head but it'll probably turn out to be the smartest person of all. Howard said we need to bring back DDT. He said he must have Zika penis.
Robin read about a joke that was made about CP Time (Colored People Time) at a Hillary Clinton appearance. She had Howard play a clip. Benjy said he thinks they were all part of a sketch. Robin said she's not sure why they'd have a politician up there doing that. Robin read about the NAACP having Hillary Clinton address them at an affair in may. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read about Jon Cryer being on the show The Real and he compared Donald Trump to Charlie Sheen. Robin had some audio of him talking about that.
Robin read a story about Sarah Palin promoting a movie called Climate Hustle and she's out to debunk climate change. Howard said she's an empty head. He asked what she knows about that. Robin said she's also going to spar with Bill Nye the Science Guy over that. Howard said think about the arrogance of that. Howard said it's 99 percent of the scientists that believe it and Sarah Palin who doesn't. Howard said that's like an ape debating a human.
Robin read a story about how the polls are looking in New York. Robin read the details of that. Howard said he thought he had Ted Cruz calling in today. Howard asked if they forgot about that. Will said it needs to be produced yet. Howard told him not to break down that wall. He told him to say he just can't get him on the phone. Will said he can't get him on the phone.
Robin read about a study that's being presented about head injuries in NFL players. Robin said they say that over 40 percent of former players have brain damage from playing. Howard said he has a clip of a guy talking about how he'd let his kid play. Howard played the clip and said this is Bruce Arians who is a coach for the Arizona Cardinals. He talks about how they have new helmets coming out and the statistics show that the game is great and they have less head injuries than girls soccer. Howard said the guy is a maniac. Howard said he's not sure what that guy's deal is. Howard said take up tennis or baseball instead. Howard said forget about soccer too.
Robin read about how a good night's sleep is what you need to get rid of a cold. Robin read about a study that was done that found people who sleep longer are less likely to get sick. Howard said he stayed in bed when he got sick recently. That led to Howard doing an impression of his mother telling him to take it easy and not do anything. He had her asking him what he was doing to get sick and all of that.
Robin read a story about Dustin Diamond getting out of jail a month early. Robin said he served almost 3 months for disorderly conduct and carrying a concealed weapon. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Jon talked about Howard's new coffee cup holders. Jon said he's genuinely excited about them. Gary said it's fine to be excited about it. He said he's more interested that he's excited about something that was invented 30 years ago. He said they're not high tech. Jen asked why he needs 2. Gary said one is for coffee and one is for hot water.
Jon said that he wants to ask Jen about Jeff the Drunk's love who lives in Australia. Jen said she just got out of a relationship with someone from Australia. She said it's not going to work out for Jeff. She said once she gets there it's just going to be another drunk guy with a bad arm and it won't work out. She said long distance is really tough. She said if it does work out she'll kill herself right there by pushing herself out a window.
Jon asked Rahsaan for the poll they have up today. Rahsaan said they're asking ''Who is a better actor, Ronnie or Benjy?'' Gary said he's voting Ice Cube. Jon said that's not one of the choices.
Gary said they haven't seen a lot of either of their acting abilities. Jon said Ronnie did read his lines this morning. He said they have him playing an FBI agent on Limitless. Gary said he's wondering if Ronnie talked to Jennifer Carpenter like she's Dexter's sister or talking to her like a real person.
Rahsaan asked if Ronnie should get more props because he's on the finale and not just a regular episode. They spent a little more time talking about that before going to break.
Jon said Ice Cube was talking about how N.W.A. didn't perform at the induction and they had to pay for their own set up. They also talked about how you only get two tickets to the event. Jon said Howard was caught up in Ice Cube's relationship with Dr. Dre too.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thought it was a good interview with Ice Cube. He said he was turned on to N.W.A. years ago. He said he thought it was interesting about the Gene Simmons thing. He said he thinks Gene Simmons would agree that Aerosmith is a great rock band and Run DMC helped revive them. Gary said they really did. Gary said they were broken up and their album before that one was shit. He said that was the pinnacle of rock and rap merging. Jen said even back then they were getting to be the old guys. Gary said he won't say Run DMC saved them but it helped both.
Jen said that Billy Ray Cyrus is turning his songs into rap songs. She said that he's doing a rap orchestra or something like that.
Jon said the John Singleton story was really great too. Gary said he heard that he's told the story before but not in that much detail. Gary said Ice Cube was a big deal at the time and he can see him blowing the guy off over and over. He said that it sounds great except for when it doesn't work out. Jon said Gary would blow people off if they were interns and approached him. Gary said he would read it though.
Jon asked why Gary thinks he was skipped today when Howard read what the staff has learned. Gary said that he doesn't know. He said he learned that you have to be a good tipper. He leaned a couple of other things but one of the he didn't remember. Gary said that Howard always over tipped. Jon asked if it bothered Gary that he was skipped over. Gary said it did.
The guys spent some time talking about the John Singleton thing and about Ice Cube writing his own scripts. Gary said that he has four franchises. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said Howard seemed pleased that people learned things from him there. Gary said he liked everything even the dumb ones like cutting up bananas and keeping them in the freezer. Jon played a clip of Howard reading what Sal learned from him.
Jon said even with the things Sal learned he really didn't learn. Jen said she thinks there are so many more lessons that he could have learned. Jon said Sal doesn't learn anything. He just spouts back what you just told him. He said he doesn't comprehend what you tell him.
Gary said Sal reminds him of Dexter. He said he thinks about when he's supposed to be sorry. He said that's what Sal is like. Jen said she can't believe Robin didn't say she leaned how to get the best doctor since Howard saved her life with that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he has been a fan for 30 years and he wonders how he can keep King of All Blacks off the air. Gary said he just told him. The caller said he is the worst caller ever and he's not sure why they have to hear about painting ceilings. Jon said he is polarizing. He said you either love him or hate him.
Jen said she learned something from Howard. She said she's not just plugging her book. She said the last chapter is about Joan Rivers and Howard Stern. She said that she was asked to pick two parents she could go to in her head and Joan and Howard are the two she picked. She said Howard is in her head a lot. Gary asked if she has mock conversations with him wondering what Howard would say to her if she asked. Jen said she imagines him ranting about it on the radio.
Jon said he thinks a lot of people think of Howard as their parent or Howard's parents as their parents. Gary said he loved how Howard did that impression of his mother today and sounded just like he does when he's yelling at them when they get sick.
Jon asked Rahsaan for the results of the poll. Rahsaan said the winner was Ronnie with 67 percent of the vote. He said according to the people on twitter they should have had a third option of ''They both suck.'' They spent a little more time talking about that and then wrapped up the show. They were done around Noon.
Howard started the show with Robin singing ''The Great American Nightmare.'' Howard said it was good to get Gary out of there. He said he's extra phlegmy today. He said he has a cough thing now. It's in his chest. Howard said he obsesses over that the whole time he's talking to him. Howard said he has something going on in his chest. He said he's not getting enough sleep.
Howard said he thinks Gary might be smoking. Gary said he does not smoke, ever. He said occasionally he will. He said the last time he did was 9 months ago. Howard said Gary knew he was phlegmy today. Gary said he did. He said that's what it is. Howard said he could barely concentrate with him going through that difficulty. He played a Baba Booey song parody after that.
Howard said they have a little meeting before the show and Gary was struggling the whole time. He said he's caught up in that struggle. Howard said sometimes he'll just clear it a little bit and keep it quiet. Howard said he hasn't been that bad lately. Robin said he usually does it in the hall and comes in clear. Howard started to play another song parody but he cut it off saying he won't pile on.
Howard said Gary has something going on. He said this is in his chest and it's all coming up. Robin said it has to be something more serious. Gary said the cough is a cover for the clearing. Howard said he knows he's sick. He said he just wants to concentrate on the show but he can't do it. Howard said he does this thing trying to cover it and it doesn't work. Fred said they have to try to get a recording of it. Howard did his impression of Gary clearing his phlegm. Howard asked if anyone else is aware of it or is it just him. Howard said it throws him. Gary said everyone out there says they didn't notice it.
Jason said he'd love to come in and make fun of Gary but he didn't hear it. He said he's not paying attention to him the way Howard is. Howard said Gary is a good guy but he's like a frog constantly ribbiting. Howard said he's like having Golddust as a producer. Fred played a frog ribbit and a Golddust clip.
Howard said Gary and Sal are looking like terrorists. Howard said Sal looks like the one that was caught in Belgium. Howard said they took the pictures out on the street and asked people who looks more like the terrorist. People were picking both of them. They had people guessing where they were from and they picked Syria and Afghanistan. Howard said that you can check them out on Twitter and Instagram too.
Howard said he doesn't go on Twitter because all of his fans attack him. Howard said he was on yesterday but he doesn't go on for months sometimes. Howard said he goes on for the news. He said he thinks that's the best way to get your news. He said he's so tempted to go on and do something. He said he'd like to get some praise but then he'll read the third one and someone calls him a piece of shit. He said the fans bum him out too much to go on. Howard said they pick apart every little thing. He said it's fair but he doesn't want to read it.
Howard said he's not looking for an analysis of his personality. He said he wants to be told how great he is. Howard said if he wants to hear how bad he is he'll go to his dad. Howard said he has kind of made it in this business.
Howard said he thinks she's really interesting. He said she's been in some great movies. Howard said she's dated Brad Pitt too. Howard said that's something. He said he wishes he looked like Brad Pitt. Howard said he would love to come back as either Brad or Juliette. Howard said he wants that so bad.
Howard said his name would be Brad Shit. He said he looks like a warlock with cancer. Howard said that's how bad he looks. He said he went to the hospital to visit Robin and they put him in a bed and started treating him for cancer. Howard said he took a full 7 hours of chemo. Howard said they didn't believe that he's completely healthy.
Howard said he has a clip of Mark the Bagger giving a message of hope for people with micro penis. Mark said just face your challenges and things will work out. Mark said things will get better. Mark also mentioned he has a huge one himself.
Howard said Steve Miller is cool. He sang some of his songs. Howard said he's his hero now because he got inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and he just shit all over it. Howard said Steve said it's insulting to be inducted and then feel unsupported. Howard said if you want more than two tickets you have to pay $10,000 per person.
Howard played some clips of Steve talking about the process needing to be changed over there. Steve was talking about how wrong it is to treat them that way. He was talking about how close it came to not happening. Howard said fucking Steve Miller, right? Howard said he has a song in his head that he can't remember the name of. Fred played a song he thought Howard was thinking of. Howard said that's not it. He said he wishes he had a list of songs. Gary rattled off a bunch. Fred played another one that Howard said might be it. It was ''Shu Ba Da Du MaMaMaMa.'' Howard said that isn't it.
Howard played more clips from the Hall of Fame. Rick Nielsen thanked them for charging so much that he didn't have to bring his whole family out there.
Howard said some of these guys are downright broke. Howard said the reason he loves rock and roll is because music meant so much to him. He said he would sit and listen to it in his room. Howard said Rock and Roll guys were always like ''fuck you'' like Steve Miller.
Howard said he likes Real Housewives of Beverly Hills because they used to fight on the show. Howard said now they don't fight. Howard said he loves fights. He said the other day Snoop Dogg called out Arnold Schwarzenegger. Howard said it's great. Howard said he called him a racist. Howard said Snoop is mad because he didn't pardon some guy Snoop knows. Howard said he loves when this stuff happens. Howard played a clip of Snoop going off on Arnold about that. He was calling him a mother fucker and saying he's a racist.
Howard said Arnold responded and he said he's not racist, he just knocked up a Mexican. Howard said he didn't really say that. Robin asked who Snoop would pardon. Robin said he would pardon his friend. Howard said Snoop used to beat people with his sneaker.
Howard said Mickey Rourke came out against Trump too. Howard said he's not sure if this is a real feud or not. Howard had some audio of Mickey going off on Donald Trump and his wife. He said she has to be a gold digger. He said he knows them because he used to date one. Howard played another clip of Mickey Rourke going on and on about Trump.
Howard said he watched Gotham last night. He said it was so good. Howard said Paul Reubens is playing Penguin's dad in it. He said he's really good. Howard said he was hoping he'd stop by to promote his movie but he thinks he might be afraid of them. Gary said he wanted to come by. He said he was there the days they were off. He said he would have come in if they were there. Howard said they take too many days off. He said that's too bad. Howard said his movie is actually very funny.
Howard asked if he's too busy to come in. Gary said he was in town doing press for 2 days and that was it. Howard said he has to tell him to come in and do it on a certain date.
Robin was trying to figure out what Steve Miller song it was Howard liked. Howard said he can't deal with that right now.
Howard said he'd be better off yelling out his window. Speech Impediment Man asked if he'd do a cameo on Gotham. Howard said no he wouldn't. Howard said he's not interested in that. Howard said he's not a cameo actor. Howard said he is a serious actor. He said he's been boycotting movies since his last one. Howard said he does love Speech Impediment Man.
Howard asked if there has ever been a good comedy set at a comedy club. Speech Impediment Man said his comedy teacher used to do them. Howard asked what the lowest thing is. He said it's taking money from this guy to teach him how to do comedy. Howard said his teacher is going to burn in hell for taking money from him. Howard said he should be telling him to find another profession. Howard said he should go up on stage and say he's going to kill his teacher for taking 50 bucks from him to teach him comedy.
Howard said this guy is going to be on stage and some guy is going to shoot his wad on his food. Howard said he should go up on stage and talk about how he's wasted 18 years of his life doing comedy. Howard said that's comedy. Speech Impediment Man was cracking up at everything Howard said. Howard said Sal had a comedy coach too. He told Speech Impediment Man to let them know how things go.
Speech Impediment Man asked for a favor. He said he got a new job and he can only call in during the first hour of the show. He asked Howard to pick up on him during the first hour. Robin asked what job he has. Speech Impediment Man said he's a security guard. He said they won't let him listen to Howard Stern. Howard said imagine that. They want him to do his job.
Robin asked if he has a weapon. Speech Impediment Man said he doesn't. Howard asked what he does if someone is going to rob the place. Speech Impediment Man said he'll kick their ass.
Howard asked what he's getting paid to do comedy at the strip club. Speech Impediment Man said he's in negotiations. He said that they are flying him in. Howard said he's lying about that. Howard said he has zero leverage. Gary said Shuli said it's probably just free drinks and free food. Speech Impediment Man kept laughing. Howard said after 18 years of struggle he's up to getting free food and drinks. Howard said he's been on the show for 20 minutes and hasn't mentioned the name of the club. Speech Impediment Man said it's called Blush. It sounded like ''Blood'' but he spelled it out for Howard. Howard let Speech Impediment Man go after that. Howard said he does love the guy but someone needs to sit him down and get him on the right track. Howard said he's a sweet guy and a long time fan but things are not going well.
Robin said he said that he started doing comedy after hearing the show. Howard said it's an insult to them that he started doing comedy because of them. Howard said he thought it was that easy.
Howard said Sal is winning in the poll about looking like a terrorist. Howard said he has 90 percent of the votes over Gary. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said he has a side of spaghetti and he takes 3 scoops of it out and throws it out. Howard said last night he looked at it and said ''fuck you spaghetti, I'm eating you.'' Howard said Beth was getting ready to go out and all he wanted to do was hear Neil Cavuto talking about Trump. He said they had a guy on last night talking about Trump. He said he's eating away and watching this. Howard said he has a lot of time built up on his DVR so he can skip over anything that's not Trump. Howard said he loves it.
Howard said he watches the commercials for Cavuto because he's so used to watching him. He said he'll stop and watch the commercial. He said he loves it. Howard said he likes the format of FOX News. He said they argue about everything.
Howard said he has a side of broccoli with his meal too. He said he cuts it up but he hates the feeling when the knife cuts the tin. He said it feels weird. Howard said you can't take a whole piece of broccoli in your mouth. He said you have to eat it cut up. He said his treat is the spaghetti. Howard said he puts the broccoli on top of everything. He said he eats it in a combo. Howard said even eating dinner to The Five he feels more and more bloated. Howard said if he eats too fast he has an orange. Howard said he did that last night. Howard said his belly was so bloated from eating all of the spaghetti.
Howard said Beth was upstairs doing her thing and he farted so bad it smelled like he shit his pants. Howard said you love your own stink but the room must have smelled like he shit in there. Howard said Beth walked in looking like a princess. He said her titties were out. He said he told her it was a titty dress and she said it wasn't. Howard said she says to him ''Oh my god! What stinks in here?'' Howard said she asked if he farted. Howard said in that split second he could have said yes or lied to her. Howard said he lied. He said he told her he didn't smell anything. Howard said she asked if he farted and he said no. Howard said she asked if he swears on Bianca's life. Howard that's a serious thing. He said he did the terrible thing and swore that he didn't fart. Howard said he told her that he left food in the garbage. He said she knew he was lying. Howard said he stuck with it but she didn't believe him anyway. Howard said he's still going with that story. He said he was embarrassed. He said the odor was so foul.
Howard said he loves his own stench but he knows it was bad. Howard said he never forgets to eat a meal. He said there is nothing more important than eating. He said Beth forgets to eat so she has a great body. Howard said his belly was bloated last night. He said he gained 2 pounds with that meal. Howard said he can't eat like that. He said he still hasn't taken a dump so you know it's going to be wild. He said it's going to look like a big pasta.
Howard said Neil Cavuto even asked what that smell was. Howard said even he's disgusted with him. Howard said that's his buddy. He said he's trying to be like Bill O'Reilly by interrupting everyone. Howard said it's good because everyone is so boring though.
Howard had fake Ted Cruz on the phone and Ted said he's out meeting and greeting the locals. He said he loves people there. They had people walking by and yelling at him to go home and things like that.
Howard asked fake Ted about trailing Trump and Kasich. Ted was talking and got hit by a glass Snapple bottle filled with piss.
Howard asked Ted about getting supporters that used to like Trump. He got hit with a bucket of feces while he was answering that. Then he gets attacked again and disappears a short time later. Howard went to break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy named Chris and asked if he wanted to play a game. The caller said he is outside waiting for Prince tickets in Atlanta. Howard said he sounds good so far. He said he hopes Prince keeps the lights on when he performs. Howard said he saw him once and he turned out the lights. Howard said he left because of that. Howard said don't get on stage if you don't want people to look at you.
Howard said he has a game where they showed Gary the Conqueror famous faces. He said you have to decide if he'll know who the person is. Howard said they have a $500 prize from Casper Mattresses. Howard said he's going to play with Robin first. He said this will give Chris a vibe for the game. Howard said that they showed Gary Mickey Mouse. Robin said she thinks that he'll be able to recognize him. Gary did know Mickey.
Howard said now it's Chris' turn to play. Howard said he has to get 3 out of 5 correct to win. Howard said Gary uses the word retard a lot in this but he's allowed to. Howard said they showed Gary a picture of Big Bird. Chris said he thinks Gary will know that one. Gary's answer was it looks like a duck.
Howard said Chris can pull out of this one. He asked Chris what he's going to spend the money on. Chris said he's going to spend it on the Prince tickets. He said they're $350. Howard said that's a lot for tickets. Chris said he really needs this.
Howard said they showed Gary a picture of E.T. the Extra Terrestrial. Chris said no fucking chance. Gary's answer was ''It's a fucking scarecrow you fucking idiot.''
Howard said that Chris is on the board now. He said they showed Gary the face of Elvis Presley. Chris said he thinks that Gary grew up in that time so he might know him. Howard said he's 63 and that's not really in the Elvis era. Chris said he thinks that he needs Robin's help in this one. Howard said it is in the rules that he can get help from Robin. He said it's very specific in the rules. Robin said she thinks Gary will know Elvis. Chris said he's going to say that Gary will know Elvis. Howard played Gary's answer which was ''Elvis. The King of Rock and Roll.''
Howard said Chris is in good shape now. Howard said he needs one more right out of the next 2. Howard said they showed Gary a picture of Chuck Norris. Chris immediately said no way he'll know. Howard played Gary's answer which was ''His name is Charlie.'' Howard said he's going to give Chris the prize. He said he's in line for tickets for $350 each.
Chris said he has a question to ask Howard. Howard had to plug Casper first. Howard did that and said Chris won $500. Chris asked if Trump came to him and said he wants him to serve as commissioner for the FCC would he do it to change the regulations. Howard said no. He said it's simple. He said he happens to think the FCC is important. He said it's a branch that's important. Howard said the FCC got into the censorship thing with him and that's not their role. He said they're role is to keep up with all of the things going on out there and there are a lot of important things they should be doing and he's not qualified for that. Howard said he's not going to walk away from radio to do that. He said it's a full time job. Howard said he could go out and goof on it and say that anyone who mentions him should be fined but he won't do that. He said he'd ban all podcasting too.
Chris said he's been listening to the show for 25 years an he loves the show. He said he also loves when Benjy laughs in the background. Robin and Howard said they never noticed it before. Howard asked Benjy to laugh. Benjy faked one for him. Chris said it's subtle and he thinks it's great. Chris asked who Howard would like to interview, Bowie, Prince or Hendrix. Howard said Hendrix was a tough interview based on what he's seen. Howard said he thinks he'd go with him though. Howard put Chris on hold after that and then went to break.
Howard said Graham Nash tells some stories during the concert. Howard played a clip of Graham talking about Joni Mitchell and how she inspired the song ''Our House.''
Howard said he got the chills hearing that song. He said he likes that story. He said that he loves stories like that. Howard said he wishes he could write a song like that but he's busy eating spaghetti and watching Neil Cavuto.
Howard asked if there's a song in him about putting the broccoli on top of his eggplant. Howard said maybe there is. He made up some lyrics for the song and said he's just missing it. Robin said he doesn't know what to focus on. Howard asked her to help him with that. Robin said there might be one about Beth walking in on his stink. Howard sang about that a little bit too. Howard said here is a song there but he just misses it.
Howard said Graham did the concert there in the studio and it'll be on Howard 101. Howard sang more about his eggplant parm, spaghetti and broccoli. Howard sang about shitting his pants even though he didn't shit them, he just farted.
Howard said a lot of people in the email love Agent Mundt. Howard said they loved it when Ronnie came in and acted. Howard said that Ronnie won in a poll about who the better actor is, Ronnie or Benjy. Howard said one guy said that Sharknado is a must see though.
Howard read some email about Louis C.K. and High Pitch Erik and Joey Boots. Howard said someone said they can get an apartment in Ohio for like $700. Howard asked why they have to live in the city. Robin said Joey is an actor.
Howard said Big Foot lives up in Vermont so they called him to get a reaction about the news that they hit 30 million subscribers. They had Shuli call Big Foot. Big Foot's reaction was ''Oh cool.'' That was it. Howard said stockholders had about the same reaction. He said he was thinking the stock would go up but it went down. Howard asked how that works. Robin said it's definitely not Apple.
Howard had another clip of Big Foot talking to Shuli. In that one Shuli asked what he's up to. He was sleeping at 1 in the afternoon. Big Foot coughed and said he is out of work because they stopped picking him up. Howard played more of the clip and Big Foot just celebrated his 58th birthday and didn't do anything special. He has nothing else going on in his life. Howard said next year he's sure they'd get the same answers. Howard said they should put Big Foot on a dating site to see if he can get any responses.
Howard said they asked a guy if Hillary would declassify all of the UFO documents that are out there. Howard said this guy claims that's one of the things she wants to do. Howard played the clip of the guy talking about that. Howard said all of these people are running around talking about this stuff. Howard said it would be great if Riley was right all along.
Howard wondered what could be in Area 51. Howard said there's nothing there. He said you know there's nothing. He said if there were Aliens out there we'd know about it already. Fred played a couple of Riley clips.
Howard said the guys took him talking about porn he's watched and called a religious show. Howard said this show can't seem to hang up on anyone. Howard played the call and they called in as Lemet and he claims his dad is telling him a bible verse to him and he needs help figuring out which one it is. They played clips of Howard talking about 4 girls sitting around talking and then a blonde girl walks in. The host of the show told him to keep going. Then someone else says they're not going to keep this going. They kept playing Howard talking about the girls making out and asking to jerk a guy off. They weren't able to hang up on him though. One of the guys said that his mother should have swallowed him. They eventually hung up. Howard went to break after that. They played some clips of Gary singing, a Baba Booey song parody, a Harrison Ford bit and Mark the Bagger message of hope for Hermaphrodites as they went to break.
Howard came back and said he loves this song. He said that Michael Penn married Amy Mann. Howard said he had an email thing going with him for a while but he thinks he got tired of him. Howard said his best friend is Juliette Lewis and he hasn't seen her in 20 years.
Howard said Juliette Lewis is there. Howard said that he hasn't seen her in a long time. He said she has a band going. Howard said she stays in great shape. Howard said she really works out on stage when she's playing. Howard asked if she weight lifts. Juliette said she does Barry's Boot Camp. She said she was avoiding it. She said avoidance and said she didn't get any sleep so this will happen all morning.
Juliette said she used to have an aversion toward classes but she found it motivates you more if you're around sweaty people. Howard said they don't take the individual into mind though. Howard said everyone can't operate at the same level. He said he can't go to that place. Juliette said they ask if anyone has injuries before class. Howard said he would say he does just to get attention. Juliette said the point is that she runs. She said the show is like a fever for her. She said she runs around a lot on stage.
Howard said Juliette stage dove. Howard said that surprised him. He said she threw herself into the audience and he's afraid that they're going to molest her. Juliette said they're lions. She said they don't molest her. She said that they do help her get on stage though so they do grab her. Howard said he wouldn't grab her but there is a temptation there. Juliette said she has to say ''vagine'' today because it sounds so great. Howard asked if it's a spontaneous thing. Juliette said it is. She said most of the time the audiences are nice. She said they throw her around and she enjoys it. She said only a couple of times did she want to punch someone in the face. She said they were very grabby in Italy. She said that she would never do that again there. She said this particular audience was grabby. She said one other time there was a female she got close to while she was singing and she put her hands on her backside. She said she stopped singing and she almost got violent.
Howard said it seems like Juliette is so free with her body. Howard said she's free. He said she's an artist. Howard said she really opens up. Howard said that maybe someone thinks she's looking for that. Juliette said that's the judgment you have when you see the show but she can't say enough about her audiences. She said they're incredible. She said it's not what you think it is. She said she came out with Cape Fear and movies like that and people think she has stalkers. She said she mostly has lovely people who approach her.
Howard said she did Cape Fear at what age. She said she was 17 and turned 18. Howard said when she was a kid her father was a character actor. Howard said he didn't know his name but he saw a picture of him and he knew him from a ton of films. His name was Jeffrey Lewis. Howard said you just know his face. Juliette said that he played comedy stuff and drama. Howard asked if Clint Eastwood and people like that would come to the house. Juliette said the funny thing about her dad was that he had a rebellious attitude. She said that she saw that working on movies was long hours and it wasn't just fun. She said there wasn't a lot of Hollywood culture going on. She said she grew up on a ranch in Tarzana.
Howard asked if Juliette thinks she had acting in her blood. He asked what her mom did. Juliette said she's a graphic artist. Howard asked if she felt like she was connected. Juliette said she thinks so. She said she worked with her dad on a movie and it was interesting to see how similar they were on set.
Howard asked how old her dad was. She said he was 79. He suffered from dementia. Howard asked if she felt lost with her father because he had 9 other kids. Juliette said she didn't have any anger toward her parents. She said she joked that they were a family of individuals. She said that you get left at home a lot and things like that. Howard said she was arrested at 15. Juliette said she loves and adores her parents. She said her mom is coming to New York to see the documentary. Howard said she's a free spirit.
Howard said her father was a recognized guy and he was left out at the Oscar in Memorium thing. Juliette said she blasted that on Twitter for her family. She said she thinks it all had to do with paperwork and it wasn't anything personal. Howard asked if she watches the Oscars. She said she did want to see Leo win. She said he's a friend. She said they love seeing each other. She said she was rooting for him.
Howard asked if she thought her dad would be mentioned on the Oscars. Juliette said she didn't see that part. She said she doesn't have a TV. Gary brought in a drink so Howard asked what she's drinking. She had a Starbucks cold brew. She said you get 3 times the caffeine. She said it's so much stronger. Howard said he just started drinking coffee.
Juliette said she did the twitter blast thing about her dad for her family. She said she knows it's not a personal thing on the show. She said it's all paperwork. Juliette said that anything she does from now on is a gift for him. She said it's his kids that will celebrate him and not just some TV show.
Howard asked if she wanted that Oscar for Cape Fear. He said she was just starting out. He said she must have wanted it. Juliette said that Howard must have heard some of the things she's said. She said she had no idea what she was in for with that. She said she didn't even understand the Oscars. She said she was just 19. Juliette said that people are conditioned for it now. Howard asked who won that year. Juliette said it was Mercedes Ruehl. Howard asked if she watches that movie. Juliette said she does sometimes. She said that she is still invested in it.
Howard said Juliette wore corn rows to the Oscars once and people thought it was some kind of political statement. Juliette said that she just wanted to look good. She said half her rebellion is just this carelessness she has. She said she's just being her.
Howard said Juliette did an audition for Cape Fear and she ended up sucking De Niro's thumb during the audition. Juliette said she was dating Brad Pitt at 17. She said it was wild. Howard said that they were both a success at the time. Howard said she must have thought that things were going great. Juliette said the De Niro thing was something they'd talked about. She said it was very complex like you see in the scene. She said she was very aware of what was happening. She said she's never felt she was taken advantage of. She said she didn't know she was working with the greats of the cinema. She said she worked with Jessica Lange and Nick Nolte too. She said that they treated her with respect and she developed her artistry.
Howard asked about De Niro speaking in tongues to play that character in Cape Fear. Howard asked if she was freaking out about that. Juliette said that was so key. She said everyone there had their own way of doing things.
Howard asked if Juliette was hit on all the time on movies. Juliette said that she understands her power now but she thinks people were intimidated by her.
Howard asked if she runs into Brad Pitt and people like that. Juliette said that when they do run into each other it's very cordial. She said things didn't need badly there.
Howard said it has to be hard to end a movie filming because they get so close. Juliette said she hates the goodbyes. She said she doesn't get that close though.
Howard said going back to Cape Fear she was up against 500 actresses. Howard said she got it. Juliette said she didn't learn that until afterward. She said that they almost couldn't believe she was the girl. She said she was the first one they met with. Juliette said they went all around the country looking for someone and they went back to her. She said she was called back 4 times. She said it was awesome.
Howard asked if she gets to see a Scorsese movie before it's done or does she have to wait. Juliette said she waits like everyone else. Howard asked if she likes seeing herself on film. Juliette said she feels like she needs to see if she achieved what she was going for. She said she needs to see the edits too. She wants to see if they used the right take. She said she has seen some where she was shocked they used certain takes.
Howard said Cape Fear did $285 million. Juliette said she knows nothing about the money part. She said she doesn't follow that. She said she did hear it was a success for Marty. Howard said after that everyone must have known her face. She said things did change. She said that made the void that much bigger. Howard said that she lost her anonymity. Juliette said she loved people watching and she was very introverted. She said that she'd walk into a place and people would give her attention and she felt unsafe. Howard asked if that caused problems in her relationship. He asked if it's hard to date when you have success. Juliette said she only dated one actor. She said Howard knows it's Brad. Howard said he thought she dated Johnny Depp too. She said she didn't date him. Howard said she married once and he was a skate boarder. Howard said that has to be tough too. She said it is. She said that she's great friends with him still.
Howard asked if she's anti marriage. She said she's not. Juliette said she thought that she couldn't have that feeling again. She said she kept meeting vacation guys and she didn't think she had a future with them. She said that now she thinks she can find that again. She said she's in a relationship but it's a non actor. She said she wants things that are deep and rich and intimate. She said the guy she's dating is very special.
Howard said that you sometimes wonder if the person you're with is in character or not. He said he's dated some actors himself and he knows that feeling.
Juliette said that you know when you're bullshitting yourself. She said she's 42 and she knows. Howard asked if she had to go to therapy. Juliette said she did work on herself. She said she did some spiritual things. She said she's done some Scientology stuff. She said she did her version of self work. She said it helped. Howard asked if she's a Scientologist. She said she's a spiritual person. She said she believes in a benevolent force and godliness.
Howard asked how long her new relationship has gone. Juliette said that she doesn't even want to talk about that but she brought herself back to it. Howard said he's wondering because it sounds like she's in love. Juliette said it's new but it's real. She said that they talk about everything. Howard asked how they met. She said they met through mutual friends. She said they met because they wanted to make music together. She said he's a musician.
Howard said he thought she and Dave Grohl were going to become something. Howard said Dave thinks she should quit acting and just be a musician. She said she was shocked and amazed by what Dave said about her in the documentary. Juliette said he was a drummer for Nirvana and then doing his new band. She said he sort of mentored her in many ways. She said she'd ask him about band dynamics and things like that. She said she'd call and ask him for advice. She said not everyone loves being the boss. She said she knows how to enjoy things more now but in the beginning she was just trying to make the best show. Howard said if she was a director she'd have to do all of that stuff.
Howard asked Juliette if she's ever been told she was horrible in a movie. Juliette said that she came close to being fired. She said Woody Allen put her in a film, Husbands and Wives, and at the time she was 19 and she was going through a break up. She said that she showed up really sad on the set. She said she was really depressed and Woody took her aside and told her that her attitude had to change or she'd be walking the E-Line. She said she didn't know what that was. She said it was the Unemployment Line. She said he was just telling her to be grateful for where she was. She said changed and he snapped her out of it.
Juliette said that Oliver Stone doesn't validate a lot. She said she did Natural Born Killers with him. She said that you can't insult her. She said that you can say all of the man things to her and she doesn't care. Howard said that movie is another great one of her's. Howard asked if she went in and threatened Oliver's life and he hired her because of that. Juliette said this is in the documentary. She said she had heard so many urban legends about herself and she thinks about how they're not true. She said theoretically you can say she might have made him feel she was going to kill him. She said she just told him how to murder someone. Howard asked if she was offered the part on the spot. She said that they were throwing around a lot of names. She said she had to do something. Robin said she had to kill that audition.
Juliette said she had to work for that part. She said Oliver wanted to know she was gong to be physically fit for the part. She said she had to do a lot of training. She said she had to do pull ups for him. She said that it's really hard. She said she got to 7 and she got the job.
Howard said that Juliette is there to promote this movie ''Hard Lovin Woman''. He gave her a plug for that and said it's premiering at the Tribecca Film Festival.
Howard asked Juliette about working with Robert Downey Jr. and guys like that. He asked if she was relaxed working with them. Juliette said she's never relaxed. She said that she puts a lot of pressure on herself. Howard said he heard she had to walk through rattlesnakes and they had some real ones on the set. Juliette said this is true. She said that she likes to tell that story. She said that they were far away though. She said it wasn't like that movie with Harrison Ford in Raiders of the Lost Ark. She said that she and Woody had to walk around high and that's what they had to walk through. Howard said that you have to kind of downplay it because some people over do it. Juliette said she can do it with Howard now. Howard played off her and said he thinks she's kind of drunk. She said you have to have a heavy tongue to do that. She did that drunk thing for him. She said it can make you feel kind of stony.
Howard asked if Juliette ever thinks that she's a horrible actress. Juliette said she knows she can fool people and she has to embrace the way she talks and things. She said that she has changed some of those things for parts.
Howard asked if she's ever lost a part to someone and then saw the movie and thought the other person sucks. Juliette said she doesn't think about it that way. She said she may have when she was younger.
Juliette said she's doing the TV show Secrets and Lies for ABC but they haven't given a date for the second season. She said the role drives her insane. She said it's like wearing an emotional straight jacket.
Juliette said that there was a rumor about Terry Richardson taking nude shots and there's one of her biting his thumb and that's the most outrageous she got. She said that he does a lot of nudes and three pages after one of her images is him having sex with a brunette girl who looks sort of like her but she never did that. She said that they kept asking him to tell Gawker or whoever that it wasn't her. She said that he didn't do it. Juliette said that's not her thing. She said she's wild in a lot of ways but not like that. Howard said she's not the girl fucking Terry Richardson. Juliette said she's not sure what her publicist will think about that but she wanted to get that out. She said that it did come out in New Yorker magazine but no one cared. Juliette said that's the end of that one.
Howard said there's a story about Juliette talking to De Niro and telling him that she made up a lot of the lines herself. He said De Niro lectured her about that. Juliette said it was the way she did it. She said she was 20 and he was paying her a compliment and instead of being graceful she was trying to make conversation and said she wrote a lot of it and improvised. She said she should have just stopped. Howard said he's been around De Niro but he doesn't talk much. Howard said you just feel like saying something to the guy and you say anything you can think of. Howard said he knows what that's like. Howard said he's schooling Juliette and she doesn't even want to be saying it.
Howard said the movie Who's Eating Gilbert Grape was great too. Howard said Johnny Depp has apologized to Leonardo DiCaprio for torturing him on the set. Howard asked if she saw that. Juliette said she thinks that he was just playing his brother to get into character. She said Leo was a lot of fun. Howard asked if she thinks it's one of the greatest movies ever made. Juliette said she wouldn't go that far. Howard said it really is a great one.
Juliette asked what Howard thought of The Revenant. Howard said he did. She thought that it was the greatest. Howard said he has to disagree. He said he watched it at home. Howard said Leo's performance was great but it was like Superman in the woods. Howard said you can't live after that many things. Howard said it became unbelievable at one point.
Howard asked if Juliette saw Birdman. She said she didn't. Howard said he didn't like it but he loves Michael Keaton.
Howard said he reads about Leo being on a party boat with the women and all of that. He asked if she's ever been on a party boat. Juliette said she has but they're more civilized. She said Leo is the best. She said he's such a good person. She said she saw him Oscar night at some parties. She said that she was thrilled for him.
Howard asked what movie Juliette thinks is her best performance. Juliette said she can't even think. Howard asked what she would show an alien that came to this planet. Juliette asked for some Jeopardy sound effect. Fred played that while she thought about it. Juliette said this music is what plays while she's walking down the street. She said this is why she's insane. Juliette asked for Fred to shut it off. Juliette said she has to pick Cape Fear, Natural Born Killers and The Other Sister. She said that's her top 3.
Howard asked about the thumb sucking thing again. Juliette said Howard is really obsessed with that. They spent a little more time talking about that. Howard asked if she's ever fallen in love on set. She said she never gets involved with her co-workers. She did fall for Brad Pitt after doing a movie with him though. She did ''Too Young to Die'' with him.
Howard asked Juliette if she ever gets on set and despises her co-workers. She said that she wouldn't say despise. She said that you just have to make it work. Juliette said she may have caused some problems herself. She said she has worked with some crazy actors and she's been the one who talks them down. She said they'll vent to her and she is the bridge between the two forces.
Howard said Juliette is in a Michael Rapaport directed documentary. Howard said Michael is a great actor too. Juliette said she can't say enough about him. She said that she was blown away by the documentary about A Tribe Called Quest. She said that Red Bull mentioned Michael when they were talking to her about this thing. Howard asked if Michael ever hit on her. Juliette said that he never did. Howard asked if she respects guys who are like that. Juliette said sure. Howard said she would hate him then.
Howard said that Juliette is in a band now and she's devoted herself to this music and she loves it. Howard said she threw caution to the wind. Juliette said she did that like 10 years ago. She said she toured the world over and over. She said that's how you earn your audience. Juliette said it's a really organic experience.
Howard asked about working with randy Quaid and if he was weird on set. Juliette said she didn't think he was weird at all. She said she saw the weird stuff play out like everyone else did.
Howard said Juliette went off to do music full time and stopped acting to do that. Juliette said she did. She said that she wanted to give to it everything she did like she did with her movie career. She said you can't do it part time. She said she played a lot of festivals and she likens herself to the bearded lady. She said she was an oddity playing a muscular kind of role. Howard said he likes the outfits she wears when she performs. Howard said he appreciates a good stage presentation. Howard said she's half naked on stage.
Juliette said that she has gotten to see some great bands on the road. She said she had a lot of pinch me moments. Howard asked if rock is dead. Juliette said no. Howard said he doesn't see a lot of rock and roll out there. Howard said he has some of the newer rock bands on. He said there's not a lot out there though.
Howard played one of Juliette's songs from her album You're Speaking My Language. Howard was talking to her and Juliette said that she felt like he was hypnotizing her in a club or something.
Howard said this documentary is going to be on Red Bull TV. Howard said the documentary is great. Howard said she's a firecracker. Howard said she's way more fun than Brad Pitt now. Howard said she is his type of girl. Howard said she's a great actress and a lot of fun. He said she's deep and fun. He asked if he came to her house if they's smoke a little weed and hang out. Juliette said she doesn't do that anymore. Howard said he saw that she gave up drinking too. She said she did that for a year but she's drinking now. She said she had a problem with opiates but not so much with drinking. She said that she went on a search for Quaaludes when she as a young kid after reading the book ''Go Ask Alice.''
Juliette said she wanted to reestablish discipline with the drinking thing. Howard said he had to do that with wine. Howard said he had to prove to himself that he could do it. Juliette said it's so easy to go out at 6 and come home at 4 in the morning living in New York. She said now she likes to go to bed early. She said she likes to watch TV and eat. She said she's seen some great documentaries on Netflix. Howard said he'd rather watch Gotham and Iron Man.
Howard said she has to get into a super hero franchise. Juliette said she likes diversity. Howard asked if she saw Robert Downey Jr. in Iron Man. She said she actually did. She said she loves Downey. She said he's another guy she has deep love and respect for. She said she did a cameo in Due Date with him.
Howard asked if she thinks she has a great life. Juliette said she does. Howard said that she's been there over an hour now. She said she was dreading doing over and hour and it doesn't feel like it was that long. She said it must be a love fest.
Howard gave Juliette some plugs for ''Hard Lovin Woman'' which is premiering at the Tribecca Film Festival. Howard said he saw it and it's really good. Howard said it's going to be on Red Bull TV on April 23. Howard asked if it's on TV or the internet. Juliette said she's not sure. She said they're from a different generation so they'll have to wait and find out.
Howard asked if she's going to get married. Juliette said she's not saying anything. She said that her band mate Todd Morris loves Howard. She said they're saying hi to him. Howard said hi to Todd. Howard asked what she does when the band comes to her for more money. Juliette said that they usually go find other jobs. She said for them it's for the love of it. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later. They played a James Taylor song as they went to break.
Robin started her news with a story about Steve Miller at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Robin said that the Black Keys inducted him and they're now upset that they're part of the whole thing. Robin said that Steve Miller had no idea who they were either. Howard said that's very rock and roll. He loves it. Robin said they were anxious to meet Steve and the guy had no idea who they were. They spent a few minutes talking about that. Howard said he
Howard said they asked the fans if they learned anything from him on the show. Howard said one person said she learned as a black woman to never go to Wing Bowl or never go to Florida. Howard said someone said they learned to finish straight into the tissues when masturbating. Howard read one about how the person learned to wipe his ass more because there's always more doody. One guy said he wraps his penis in toilet paper after he tinkles. Howard said someone said listen to girls because it'll help you get laid. Howard went through a bunch of other things people wrote.
Robin read a story about a 90-something year old woman who wandered around the wilderness while authorities searched for her for 9 days. Robin said she ran out of gas in Arizona and she got lost. She lived off of plants and pond water. Robin said some searchers found her dog and that got them looking for her again. They found her in pretty good shape.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that Julie Chen and that show is using all of Howard's material. Howard said they credit him though. Mariann said they go right to the tape. Howard said that's a good thing. Howard said they're hearing something on the radio that he did and they are discussing it so it's a compliment. He's not upset about it. Mariann also congratulated him on the 30 million subscribers. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about domestic abuse of men and how many people are afraid to talk about it. Robin said there's an app called Whisper where men can discuss this. Robin said some men are talking about it now. Robin had some audio of one of those men talking about that. Robin said it can be bad. Howard said that Gary doesn't even get to pick the chicken parts he wants. Robin had another clip of a guy talking about his woman sticking cigarette butts up his nose and things like that. Howard said those guys are pussies. He said he'd just leave at some point. He asked what's up with those guys. He said a lot of them must not get a lot of women and they have to put up with that. Howard said he went out with someone who looked like they got beaten because he was so desperate. Howard said Beth would never do anything like that to him.
Robin read a story about a doctor in Indiana who is facing charges after exchanging pills for sex. Robin said the patients didn't have legitimate reasons for getting the opiates these people were getting. Robin said the doctor asked for sexual favors. Howard said that's the worst. Howard said he doesn't think Robin even took any when she was sick. Robin said she did take some but she got off of them as soon as she could.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing a Steve Miller impression but it was Gary clearing his throat. Then it was Richard Simmons singing to a Steve Miller song. Howard said he can barely hear him so he's not sure what's going on there. He hung up and did a live commercial read.
Robin read a story about a woman who went online and met a guy and now police think the guy killed her and dismembered her. Robin said the guy is saying he blacked out during the date. Robin said they were dating for a month or so. Robin said friends knew she was supposed to meet up with the guy and she hasn't been seen since. Robin said they think she was killed at home and brought into the city. Howard asked why any woman would date a man. Howard said it's like dating a ferocious lion. Howard said most of them end up killing you when they can't get their way. Robin said they found some body parts in a recycling bin on Saturday. Robin said they haven't said they are her's though. Robin said they found blood in her apartment and a 15 inch saw. Robin said this guy has an extensive rap sheet.
Howard took a call from a woman who said Howard was talking about looking like Brad Pitt but he's Howard Stern and he's handsome with great hair. Howard said he was taking a picture with Juliette Lewis and he was adjusting his hair. He said he wondered why he was bothering. Howard said he used to have a nice gel that kept his hair in a nice way. He said it was Sebastian and they switched the formula. Howard said he thinks that's the company. He said now even his hair is fucked up. He said he knows that picture will have to be thrown out. Howard said Juliette looked so pretty and they'll have to throw the picture out. The caller said Howard is nice and tall and so many guys wish they were that tall. Howard said he's too tall. He let her go after that. He thanked her for the ego boost. Howard said she probably looks like a bus hit her. Howard said that's his luck. Robin said a few months from now she'll be shoving cigarettes up his nose. Howard said he thinks he looks like a hideous giraffe. Robin said most people look in the mirror and see horrible things. Howard said he knows there are some who don't.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Howard taught him something. He said his therapist asked Howard once how much sex he needs. Howard said you don't need that much really. He said he thought about it and he's right. He said you can jerk off and the whole thing is over. Howard said loneliness is another thing but sex you don't really need. The caller said Sour Shoes never jerks off and that must be why he's so crazy. Howard said he thinks his particular thing is that he thinks he's a baby. He said every time he sees him off air he's got a coloring book and he speaks as a baby. Howard said he's a baby in his mind. Howard said transgender people think they're the opposite sex and Sour Shoes thinks he's a baby. Robin said she thinks he jerks off. Howard said no way. The caller asked how long Howard has gone without jerking off. Howard said maybe a couple of days. He said he has to jerk off. The caller said Sour has gone years. Howard said he can't imagine that.
Robin said a group laid out by Stephen Hawking is planning on going to try to get to another solar system with nano spacecraft that will be propelled by lasers. Howard asked how they're going to do this. Robin said that Alpha Centauri is 4 and a half light years away and they want to do this. Howard said he just read it'll take 20 years to make it happen and another 20 years to get there. He said they'll be dead by the time it happens. Robin read about why Hawking wants to do this and how current space craft would take 30,000 years to get there. Howard said that this will lead to Israel being on the moon. He said that then maybe Roger Waters will shut the fuck up. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin asked Howard if he likes salt. Howard said he doesn't use it a lot. He said he's eliminated it from his diet. Robin asked if he would like an electric fork that provides a salty flavor without salt. Howard said no way he's going to use that. Howard said it's like when they said they have fake sugar and now they say it causes cancer. Robin said this is just a current that causes a salty flavor on your tongue. Howard said he read the other day that this guy made a robot that looks like Scarlett Johansson. He said that's the invention they're looking for. Not a fork that makes a salt flavor. Howard said Memet likes putting salt on everything. Howard said he brings salt to the movies to put on his popcorn.
Robin read a story about the FBI using hackers to get into the iPhone they wanted to get into. Robin said they were able to get into it and extract data. Robin said that they were able to get into it without Apple helping. Howard said he wishes he had that kind of mind that could think about how to do something like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said fuck Bruce Springsteen. He said no one gives a damn about what bathroom a transgender uses there in North Carolina. Howard said the point was that they made the law. He said no one cared before that. Howard said Bruce felt he had to speak out. The caller said he's punishing his fans and the local economy. Howard said he'll get over it. He said it's one stupid show so go listen to the record.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said ''Great Googly Moogly'' for some unknown reason. Howard said that's so uncool. He played a song parody about Bobo being an asswipe. Howard asked what that even means. Bobo said he heard it somewhere. Bobo said a long time ago Scott Shannon used to say it on the air. He said it stuck in his head. Howard asked why he used it on him. Bobo said it was like a hello or something. Howard played another song parody about Bobo. Bobo asked for a positive one. Howard played another one about not picking up his calls. Bobo asked if he's ever had an embarrassing moment with Beth that he wants to share. Howard said no. Bobo said maybe letting out gas or something. Howard said he just talked about that this morning. He played another song parody about what a douche Bobo is. Howard said he's taking a beating now. Howard said he has Bobo's Toupee on the phone. Bobo's Toupee said the same thing Bobo did. Howard said he lives on Bobo's head so he must hear that a lot. Bobo's Toupee said that he blew it on the greeting today. Bobo's Toupee said they should hang up on this fucking idiot. Howard said okay.
Bobo asked if Beth has ever walked in on him in the bathroom. Howard said no and asked what's going on today. Howard said it's time to end it. Bobo's Toupee said they knock him out and then hang up. Howard said he would say this was a positive one. Howard let him go after that.
Robin read a story about how the Trump family were on the town hall with Donald and Ivanca Trump said he hired women and that inspired her to achieve her goals. Howard said that Ivanca is so hot. Robin said she wouldn't know. Howard said she has to know. Howard said when Trump kicks he's going to leave everything to his kids. Howard said they're good kids. Howard said he thinks that the kid who married Ivanca has a family with a lot of money. Robin had some audio of Ivanca talking about her dad and how he inspired her. Robin had some audio of Donald Trump for Howard to play too.
Robin read a story about the Zika virus and how it's causing more than just problems with babies. Robin had some audio of someone talking about how it can cause symptoms similar to MS. Howard said we are screwed. Howard said there are too many people in this world and disease is spreading because of it. Howard said that people come herewith that stuff. He said we are doomed. Howard said there are too many people on this planet. He said we have to be for abortion. Robin said the thing we have to do is avoid getting bitten by mosquitos. Howard said that mosquito spray doesn't work. He said it seems like it attracts them more than it chases them away.
Robin read a story about a study that found that poor people live longer in California. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that study.
Robin read a story about Bono being on Capitol Hill yesterday and talking about the key to defeating ISIS. Robin said he says it's humor. Robin had some audio of Bono talking about that. Howard said he did hit his head so maybe it did some damage. Howard said a bomb would do a better job. Fred played some Jackie laughs and Jackie telling a joke too. Howard said ''Oops, they just cut off Jackie's head.'' Howard said ISIS would hate us more after that.
Robin read a story about Ben Affleck writing and starring in a stand alone Batman movie. Howard said he still hasn't seen Batman v Superman. Howard said he feels he should be able to watch it in his apartment but no one in show business feels that way.
Robin read a story about Toni Tennille of The Captain and Tennille talking about her marriage and how it wasn't the love story everyone assumed it was. Robin said she's 75 now and she's talking about how the marriage was a problem from the beginning. Robin gave Howard some of the details of her book and what's in it. Howard was shocked that someone bought that book. Howard said she was kind of cute back in the day. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Michael said that Brent told him he's only going to be there for a half hour. Gary said that this isn't just Michael on the air. He said he was yelling at Brent in the green room about only doing 47 minutes.
Jon congratulated Michael on his documentary. Michael asked if they're going to the premier on Friday. Jon said he can't make it. Gary said he can't make it either. He said that he he's taking his son out to do something. Michael said that he should be bringing him to his movie. Gary said he wants to see some other movie.
Jon said that Howard was bothered by Gary's coughing this morning. He said he was looking for someone to corroborate but no one would come in. Gary said Jason said he didn't hear it but he would have gone in if he did. Jon said Howard wasn't able to concentrate on anything else because of that.
Michael said he has a throat clearing thing too and he wondered if Gary has a deviated septum. Gary said he does not. Jon said that sometimes that stuff can go away. Michael said that he got it corrected in 1998 and Juliette Lewis was the one who was nursing him. He said he has to get it fixed again though.
Gary asked Michael how he and Juliette became good friends and why it didn't become more than it was. Michael said they met when she was dating Brad Pitt and he has the bro-code so he won't date his man's woman. He said that he appreciates their friendship and he was mature enough to know he wanted to keep her as a friend. He said they never hooked up or even breathed on each other.
Jon said Howard thinks Michael really doesn't like Gary. Gary said he doesn't think that. Jon said Howard and Robin thinks that Michael has some hatred toward Gary. Michael said it's not even close. He said if he didn't love him and respect him he wouldn't break balls. He said he has to say this shit every time he's up there. He said that he really does hate this animal. Gary said it's not him that kept him waiting today. It's Howard and Robin who did.
Jon said they have a poll up today so he asked Rahsaan what that is. Rahsaan said they're asking who looks more like a terrorist, Gary or Sal. Rahsaan said if you think Gary looks more like it you retweet his image. If it's Sal you retweet that.
Gary said he has to talk about this. He said Sal came to him and said that they should be booked on Limitless as terrorists. Gary said Sal is the one who got 90 percent of the votes. Gary said he was trying to drag him into it and he could care less about it. Jon said he could do an hour on that. He said Sal is angling to get on Limitless to steal Ronnie's thunder. He said that Sal is trying to get Gary to take the bullet that he doesn't want to take. He said he'd be going in under his cover. Gary said he's not going to ask to do that show. Sal was thinking he would talk to someone and get booked. Gary said Sal thinks he can get on any show at any time. Jon said Sal was willing 90-10 at the time. Michael said both of them look like they should be locked up. Gary said he is mistaken for a lot of ethnicities but it's mostly Hispanic. He said he has never been pulled off a line at the airport but Sal has had that happen a lot. They went to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Rapaport is a massive fucking tool. He said he's not sure why he calls the show a second rate show but shows up all the time. Michael asked what he does for a living. The caller said he owns a business. The guy said he has a landscaping business. Michael told him to promote it. He said he just doesn't like Michael on the show. Michael told him to change the channel. Gary said don't change it, he won't be on tomorrow. Michael told him to suck those monkey balls. The caller said he's a clown. Jon said they love Michael on the show. Gary said the idea is to gain listeners.
Jon took a call from a guy whose phone was acting weird. He said that there was some tension with Howard and Fred today. Jon said he thinks that the person who enjoys that tension more than Howard is Fred. He said he thinks he likes to give it back to Howard. Gary said he thinks Fred would rather have the day go by without anything like that. Gary said the spotlight is on you and Howard tells the whole world why you're a douche. He said Fred was like a rat in a cage.
Jon took a call from John in Maryland who said Michael is his man. He said he has to write some comebacks for Gary though. Gary said sometimes he just lets Michael run out of steam. Michael said Gary does it in a real sneaky way and gets back at him.
John asked Michael if he were to do a short on Gary what would his angle be. Michael said he's not sure what the title would be but he is a fan and he is respectful. He said the angle would be the celebrity factor that he's taken on without knowing he was going to be a celebrity. He said he's curious about all of that. Gary said he should shoot something like that for the TV thing they will have going on soon. Gary and Michael got into it again for a short time. They went to break a short time later.
Jon asked Rahsaan for an update on the poll. Rahsaan said Sal is running away with it. Jon asked Gary on what level this makes Sal crazy. Jon said this one seems to really bother Sal. Gary said they're now at the level where Sal is trying to act like it doesn't bother him. He said it does bother him though.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he'd love to hear Rapaport tell Howard to shut his show down short. He said Howard would fuck him down. Michael told him to eat a dick. Jon said they don't know that Michael gets off on them coming at him. Michael said that's right. He said that guy who just called in lives in some shit box out in the mid-west. He said Howard would know he's fucking around if he told him to shut it down.
Jon said he has to wrap things up. Michael asked if they have an Uber or something for him out there. Jon got in a plug for the Stump the Booey thing they're doing and how they're looking for contestants. He got in a plug for today's Sternthology and ended the show a short time later. They were done around 12:10pm.
Jon brought up Ronnie doing the show Limitless and he tweeted out a picture of himself in an FBI outfit. Jon said he looks like he thinks he's really in the FBI in that shot. Jon said Ronnie can go from business Ronnie to casual Ronnie and it's a big change. They spent a couple of minutes talking about Ronnie.
Jon brought up how Sal used to watch Howard really closely and bring up things that they didn't notice. Jen said Howard mentioned that he hasn't changed his razor blade in 10 years. Gary said he thinks that can't be true. Jen said maybe a housekeeper is doing it and he doesn't know. Gary said that is an amazing thought. Jon said if you shave without shaving cream and an old blade it will turn red. Jon said that Sal claims he learned that from Howard too. He said that he may just be going along with what Howard says.
Gary said he uses a shaving cream brush. He said he gets it from a place called The Art of Shaving. Jon asked Rahsaan how he maintains his. He said he goes to a barber who keeps it up for him.
Gary asked Jen if she was dating a guy like Sal who gets weekly manicures, is that a red flag. Jen said that's fine. She said that she'd rather have that than dirty nails. Jen said if a guido guy is getting a manicure then she thinks he's too obsessed with his looks. She said whatever Sal is doing is working for him. She said he should keep it up. Jon said Sal takes an hour or 2 to keep up his looks. Jen said if they're just weird and insecure it's fine. Gary told her about some of the things Sal has to do in his house because his wife makes him do them.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that razor blades will dull after about a week or so if you shave without cream. He said Howard might be doing HGH or something and his skin is so soft the blades don't wear out or someone is changing his blades. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said Joey does care about High Pitch Erik and he takes care of him. He said he thinks that he'll look in on Erik. He said Joey was the one in tears a couple of weeks ago so he thinks he'll take care of Erik. He said he might find another friend for him to take care of him. Jon said Erik is a genius in the way he gets people to take care of him. Jen asked if Joey would let him move in with him. Gary said no. Gary said they discussed that. He said Joey can only afford a one bedroom place. Gary said that Erik may ask to go visit some day and never leave though.
Jon took a call from a guy who brought up Fred and said he thinks a lot of this week's broadcasts point to the fact that he is deeply disturbed and an oddball. Gary asked for some examples. The caller said that Fred tore down his whole house and kept it to himself. He said that he keeps other things secret. He said if you bring anything up he goes at you like a bazooka. He said if you listen to the broadcast with his parents he had a weird Oedipal thing going on. Jon said he's going way back with that. Gary said that has to be 25 years ago. He said Fred is deeply private. He said he doesn't want anyone knowing anything about him. He said it's just the way he is.
Jon said Fred has great timing with his sound effects. He said if he misses something then you really notice it. He said his timing is impeccable most of the time. Gary said they have to give Fred credit because they don't rehears. He said if he misses a cue once in a while that's amazing. Jon said Fred might be odd but aren't we all. They went to break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said it's actually smart to keep your personal life off the air. Jon said it is a good idea to keep that stuff to yourself. He said it's tempting to go in there and talk about everything though. Gary said he knows his kids go back and watch stuff from the old days and he can't take it back. He said he doesn't regret it though.
Jen asked if his kids have seen the love tape. Gary said with his younger son he got wind of the whole piece of chicken discussion. He said it happened on Sunday night. He said his son goes to get a piece and he'll ask him if he wants to get the first piece. Jen asked if they have seen the love tape. Gary said he's not sure but maybe. Rahsaan said he thinks they have for sure. Gary said his older son started reading his book and he is going to get to that part eventually. Jen said there is nothing romantic about that tape at all. Jon asked how she would react to something like that. Jen said she got a letter once like that. She said it was all about the guy and where he wanted to be in his life. She said the underlying vibe was that she was his last choice. Gary said there's no doubt that he'd be divorced if he did get back together with her.
Jon said the other thing that happened this week was the 30 Million subscriber announcement. Jon asked Gary what kind of announcements he likes. Gary said he sometimes knows when they're going to do something and sometimes he doesn't. He said that he knew about the announcement going to Philly but maybe not the L.A. thing. He said that he is told to keep some time open on certain mornings and then Howard will make his announcement. Gary said he didn't even know Howard was going to satellite until he announced it on air. He said that was an enormous surprise to him. Jon said you never know what the announcement is going to be. Jen said she remembers doing the Wrap Up Show in December and she felt like she could feel the energy of anticipation because no one knew what was going to happen. She said it makes things exciting again when he does that.
Jon said everyone is always surprised that they don't know and they find out when everyone else finds out. Even Gary doesn't know and he produces the show. Gary said he didn't know for a fact last time that they were going to do another 5 years. He said he had a feeling they might but this time he really wasn't sure. He said his agent wasn't even able to give him an answer.
Jon mentioned they're looking for people to compete against Gary in Stump the Booey. Gary said he was watching a movie last night called ''Everybody Wants Some'' and it's wall to wall music. He said it was right in his wheelhouse. He said he knew all of the songs. He said the movie is great too. Jen said the guys in the movie are her type too. Gary said they did an amazing job capturing that period. Jon got in some more plugs and wrapped up the show. They were done around 11:40am.
Jon said he wants to start off with the Louis C.K. interview. He said he wants to talk about the aftermath of that interview. He said that Louie said that he went into debt with his show Horace & Pete. Jon said the stories are coming out saying he's millions in debt. Gary said Juliette Lewis was going to say something in her interview and she backed off because of the press everyone has been getting on the show lately.
Jonathan said Louie has the balls to do that stuff. Jonathan said he doesn't have the kind of money to do that himself. He said what he did with his show Louie was something fantastic and now he's cut out all of the middlemen and that takes guts and belief in what you're doing.
Jon said in TV what Louie did is almost unprecedented. He said a lot of people are taking less money for more control over their stuff. Jonathan said money is super important too though. He said the less you need the money the more you can make those decisions. He said Cinemax gives a lot of creative control and there isn't a lot of interference there.
Jon said he thinks with Louie he has a safety net of doing stand up. He said he thinks he gets off on pulling that off. Gary agreed. He said Louie did say he wasn't in that bad a shape. He said he knows that he can make the money back selling it to a network. He said that's great for him. Jon said Louie also talked about turning down magazine covers and things like that because he didn't want to be over exposed. Jon said Louie pulled in a lot of top talent for his show. He asked Jonathan how great it is when people like that tell you that they love your show. Jonathan said they had a tough time casting in the first season. He said now he can call people up like Eliza Dushku and she'll come right over to do it.
Gary asked Jonathan when he calls someone is there a pause and then them asking how naked they will have to get. Jonathan said that does come up. He said that they called Wesley Snipes once and he did an hour long call and that never came up. He was just too busy to come on the show. He said they might say they love the show but then 10 minutes later the agent or manager might call asking what's up with that.
Jon said Howard complains a lot about the Khaleesi not getting naked now. Jon said he has heard rumors that in the new season she might get naked again. He asked if Jonathan knows where that is coming from. Jonathan said sometimes there isn't anything interesting in seeing it over and over again. He said actors who are okay with nudity have to do it for a reason. Gary said Robin had a good point. He said if she decided that she no longer wants to do it that is her right to say so. He said Gary said you do want to see her naked because she's hot. Jon said they do get plenty of nudity on the show though. Jonathan said there was a movie years ago and if you see people having sex and not getting naked that can make the viewer think about the actor and not the character. Gary said that happens all the time. He said he sees women having sex with their bras on. He said it doesn't make sense. Jonathan said you immediately think about the actor and not the character if it's on cable TV. On network TV it's a different thing.
Jon asked Gary about the struggle Howard used to have with the boss and how he doesn't have that now. He asked if you need that to fuel the fire. Gary said he had so many years of it that he doesn't need it anymore. Gary said they had some really uncomfortable times on the show back then. He said it did make for great radio but he thinks Howard is better off without it. Gary said no one has come to him and said they shouldn't have played something. He said it gives Howard the freedom in a different way. They went to break a short time later.
Jon asked if Jonathan thinks about stuff like that. Jonathan said they have cast 3 FBI agents on Banshee and they may have had some older people. He said Eliza is one on this season. He said she fits right in though.
Gary said he said earlier in the week that Special Agent Mundt has years of experience and he's not sure why he'd be the guy using the battering ram to get in a door. Jon said the director makes that decision. Jon said you want to feature him. Jon said Jonathan has heard Ronnie and Benjy on the show. He asked Jonathan if he considers casting someone like that. Jonathan said it sounded like Ronnie was yelling in his part and it seemed a little out there. He said he was coming on kind of high and strong. He said that it wasn't quite acting.
Gary said it's movies and film so it's entertainment. He said it's not that hard to think that Ronnie is an FBI agent when he has to think about Amanda Peet fucking Jack Nicholson in a movie. Danny said you have to admit that it's better than the audition tape that Ronnie did a few years ago. He said he still has no idea what was being said in that clip. Gary said the part he was playing was the part he's been playing for 25 years. He said he thinks that he's wanted to yell ''Get down on the ground'' for many years.
Jon said Danny said that Agent Mundt could be a reality but it would require special permission. Danny said he would but he could also be playing a younger guy than he actually is. Rahsaan said ''Nah.'' Danny said he doesn't know that someone at that age would be doing the battering ram thing.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he was wondering if any of the guys were asked to be on a show like Ronnie or Benjy. He asked if Jon or Gary would. Gary said he was in a movie years ago called ''Big Helium Dog''. He said it was a Kevin Smith sub-movie. He said he played the Devil's lawyer but the movie never did come out. Jon said when he was doing Jump the Shark he was flown out to do an X-Files episode but he wasn't able to make it. He said he was so bummed out. Jon said when that stuff happens they do talk about it on the show. He said the show comes first though.
Gary said he had an offer to do an appearance on NYPD Blue. He said he was supposed to meet the creator of the show. He said he was asked to play a part of someone who gets mugged. He said he was really excited to be on the show. He said he couldn't wait to be on it. He said he called his friend Mark about it and he was told that other guy does that a lot and he'll never be on the show.
Jon asked Jonathan if he gets that from people. Jonathan said he does. He said he takes Uber and people will hear him on the phone and they'll ask about getting on the show. Danny said opportunities are so rare. Gary said they were doing shows from L.A. 20 years ago and he got into his car and the valet told him he left a script in his car. Gary said he imagines other people get that too.
Danny said he'd like to hear stories from people like Steve Brandano and Rahsaan about people doing that to them. Jon said he's sure they're not alone. They went to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a guy who said what they're not taking into account is women who have misshapen breasts and moles on their nipples and stuff like that. Jon had to cut him off saying that he wasn't sure what he was talking about at first. He said he's talking about actors getting naked on TV. Jonathan said they have a budget for that to fix things like that. The caller asked who wants to see a mole on a nipple. Gary asked what his point is because he's wondering if he's seen anything like that. The caller said he has a thing about moles. Gary said that's clear. The caller said Jonathan says he doesn't want women in a bra because it takes people out of the show but he has Ronnie on the show. Jonathan corrected him and said they do not have Ronnie on the show. That's a different show.
Jon said Howard talked about Steve Miller this week and how he got into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. He talked about how he spoke his mind at the induction show. Gary said the Black Keys are upset that they inducted him and the press is going on and on about it. Jon asked if any press is good press. Jonathan said he doesn't believe that. Danny said this is rock and roll and they got famous for being defiant. He said they're going to lash out because they don't care and that's why we love them.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Gary seems to be very professional around the guests but he wonders if he ever gets nervous around them. Gary said he's more used to it now. He said the first time he met Schwarzenegger was something different. He said he remembers being star struck by that. Gary said the first celebrity he ever met was Linda Blair and he felt the same way about her. He said it's all relative.
Danny said they can weed out people in the entertainment industry because it doesn't reward that behavior where you bother people. Jonathan said he has taken his sister to events and tells her not to take pictures with people. He said he steps away for 5 minutes and she's taking pictures with everyone. Danny said you never know who is going to misbehave.
Jonathan said he had that star struck thing with Timothy Olyphant once. Jon said he had that with a guest but he can't remember who it was. Gary said meeting Maureen McCormick was big to him because he grew up on the show. Jon said his was Michael Shannon. He said he's a great actor and they were lucky to have him on there.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked why Banshee is going off early. He said he won't ask just in case it's too long of an answer. He said a spin off would be good too. Jonathan said they have had conversations about that. He saidhe's not sure that it would work. He said they would probably go with Jobe though. Gary said Frasier was a great spin off but then Joey wasn't a good one at all. He said that Episodes is an awesome show though. He said it's not a spin off for sure.
Jon got in some plugs and wrapped up the show. They were done around 11:55am.