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Howard and the guys were back from vacation today. They played Howard's opening theme song ''Great American Nightmare'' with Robin singing. Howard started the show talking about how he's already ready to go home. Howard said he had a nice vacation and just sat at home. Robin said he did not. Howard said he did sit at home. Howard said he gets there and stays there. Howard said he loves it. Robin said it sounds like he's ready for the apocalypse. He said if shit goes down he's ready. He said that he spends every day getting ready. Howard said he has a whole militia ready to go to take over. Robin asked what her assignment is going to be. Howard said she will service him in his bunker.
Howard said what he does is stay home. Robin said she saw he went to a premiere. Howard said he did go to Steve Martin's play premiere. Howard said Steve invited him to go and he wrote this musical with Edie Brickell. Howard said it's called Bright Star. Howard said it was Steve Martin so he had to go. Howard said he figured at least he'd come up with a good story. Howard said his books were great and he figured this would be great. Howard said Steve knows he hates this kind of thing. He said that Steve told him he knew he wasn't going to come. Howard said he did go though so Steve was like ''Oh no.'' Howard said he and his wife had a great night. He said they loved the play. Howard said it's the bluegrass music but it was great. Howard said he's not just saying that either. He said if he didn't like it he'd just keep his mouth shut.
Howard said it was 2 and a half hours long and they had an intermission in it. Howard said he sits there and pretends to talk to his wife so no one bothers them. Howard said people just get up and stare at them.
Howard said he saw Paul Schaffer and Martin Short there. Howard said those two guys got to sit next to Steve. Howard said he had to sit to the right. Howard said he was pretty close but not right next to him. He said he was about an aisle away from Steve and back a row. Howard said that way he didn't have to stare at him.
Howard said Steve Martin is a genius. He said Garry Shandling is up there too. He said he just passed away a few days ago and that's very sad. Howard said he saw Garry about a year and a half ago and he'll talk about that.
Howard said he loves so many of Steve Martin's movies. Howard said he loved Roxanne and The Three Amigos and a bunch of others. He said he wrote some great books too. Howard said this play is terrific. Howard said he thought maybe he was clouded because he's such a big fan of his. He said then he read the NY Times review of the play and he figured he was right about how good it is.
Howard said he thought Garry was the best. He said he used to watch him on the Tonight Show and he was great. Howard said they had him on the show a few times too. Howard said he did an interview with him on his E! Interview Show. Howard said that was before the regular E! show they did. Howard said Garry did the show and he agreed to do it immediately. Howard said he was very grateful for that. Howard said he never does these TV shows but Garry asked him to be on the Larry Sanders Show. Howard said he had to do it. Howard said Garry was the funniest fucking guy. He said he was very quick witted. Howard said The Larry Sanders Show was genius. Howard said Garry had the idea of doing that show after hosting the Tonight Show. Howard said he did a fake talk show and showed behind the scenes at the show. Howard said it was genius. He said the guy was brilliant. He said he was only 66 years old when he died.
Howard said Garry sent a stand up act to George Carlin and George called Garry and told him to pursue that career. Howard said he gave him the green light.
Howard played a clip from an interview he did with Garry years ago and Garry told him that story about George Carlin. Howard said Garry wrote a script for Sanford and Son. He said Redd Foxx ended up firing everyone on the staff and he hired all black people. He said that Redd ended up getting all of the other staff back after saying ''Get me back my Jews'' when he read the black writer's script.
Howard said that Garry became a stand up comic and within a short amount of time he was tapped to be on the Tonight Show. Howard said he wasn't in the business for long. Howard said this was around the time that Jerry Seinfeld and guys like that were coming up. He said it was around 1980 or 81. Howard said Garry was asked to be on The Tonight Show and he went right out. Howard played a clip of Garry doing his routine on The Tonight Show the first time. He was doing a routine about his dad unbuttoning his pants after eating a meal.
Howard said Garry was so relaxed on stage. Howard said Garry knew to put himself down. He said his delivery was so relaxed too. Robin said he sounded very seasoned in that clip. Howard said Johnny let him be the guest host on that show too. Howard said these days they don't do that. Howard said you can get replaced now. Howard said he's not a big Johnny fan but he did let these guys sit in for him. Howard said that's one thing he's a fan of. Howard said that launched a lot of careers.
Howard said Garry loved Johnny Carson. He had a clip of Garry talking about Johnny Carson's death in an interview he did with PBS. Garry told the story about hearing about Carson's death and how he sat outside for about an hour thinking about him.
Howard said that he loved Garry as the host on The Tonight Show. Howard said Garry was asked to replace David Letterman but he didn't do it. Howard said he did have a short lived show but he never did see it. Howard said the theme song for that show was great. Howard played that song.
Howard said Garry came up with the Larry Sanders Show after hosting for Carson. Howard said that it was sort of based on all of those late night guys. Howard said he says ''Hey Now'' every minute and that shows what a fan he was of that show. Howard said that show was brilliant. He played a clip where Garry is talking to his co-host Hank (Jeffrey Tambor) about the ''Hey now!'' thing.
Howard said he asked Garry about how the Hey Now thing came about. Howard played a clip of Garry talking about how he didn't come up with it himself but his co-writer came up with it for Jeffrey Tambor to do in his audition.
Howard said it's so great and brilliant. Howard said he saw that HBO is going to star re-airing those shows. Howard said he went on the internet looking for them and they're not out there. Howard said it's so great. Howard said Garry is such a funny guy.
Howard said thanks to Jimmy Kimmel about a year and a half ago Garry came to one of Jimmy's parties. Howard said you never saw the guy because he's like a recluse. Howard said Garry came to the party and they spoke for a while. Howard said when he spoke to Garry it was a little awkward. Howard said he was one of his heroes. Howard said he never felt like Garry wanted to be speaking to him. Howard said one day he'll get it right. Howard said he's not sure what they spoke about but they did speak for a while. Howard said the guy was great.
Robin said Garry gave a lot of support to young writers and actors. Robin said he'd give his advice to them. Howard said he's kind of disturbed that Garry never got married. Robin said he had no children or relatives. Robin said that they should be in his will. Howard said maybe they will. He said don't be surprised if they do.
Howard said he feels bad that Garry is gone. Howard said he called 911 from his house and said he was having a heart attack. Howard said by the time they got to him they found him laying there dead. Howard said he didn't even have a girlfriend at the time. Howard said he was engaged to Linda Duchesne. Howard said that didn't work out though.
Howard said Garry played Senator Stern in Iron Man and they say that was a tribute to him. Howard said he'd like to believe that.
Howard said that Robin is going to go to the funeral and throw herself on the grave. Robin said that's right. Howard said that would be great. Howard said Beth used to say she'd do that but not so much these days. Howard said they spend a lot of time together now and they do love each other but he's not sure she feels the same way anymore.
Howard said if Robin jumped in the grave with Garry she'd break the coffin with her huge titties. Howard said speaking of those tits he has some new song parodies. Howard played one about her huge tits that was to the tune of a rap song.
Robin said the people from Gawker weren't even able to defend themselves. Howard said you'd think this would stop web sites from putting stuff like this out there. Howard asked where the decency is in all of this. Howard said the question is if Gawker has money to pay this off. Howard said Hulk may never see the money. Robin said he just wanted to be exonerated and show that he wasn't trying to make money out of it. Howard said he'd die if there was a sex tape of him out there. Howard said Robin would just laugh at him. Robin said Hulk got $115 million. Howard said he's happy for the guy.
Howard said they called Hulk to have him on the show. Howard said they told them no. Howard said they always had on Hulk. Howard said he doesn't know if Bubba and Hulk are friends anymore. Robin said she doesn't think so. Robin said they are not friends. She said he hasn't spoken to Bubba.
Howard said he and Beth talked about how he's glad that he didn't take Bubba up on his offer to fuck his wife. Howard said he could have ended up being taped. Howard said he would have felt strange fucking Bubba's wife. Howard said he loves to fuck and his wife was a stunner. Howard said that's hard core. Howard said he could not fuck Heather if Bubba was home. Robin said that Hulk said that wasn't the first time. Howard said here were 4 times.
Howard had a clip of Bubba talking to him on the show and talking about how heather wants to fuck Howard. Howard said he'd do her.
Howard said he could have ended up doing that if he wasn't married. Howard said he had the offer and he could have ended up with a sex tape. Robin said she thought it was just an offer for Howard. Howard said he did too. He thought it was kind of a joke though. He said he would have titty fucked Bubba too. Howard played a fake sex tape with phony Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bubba's wife in it.
Howard said that Heather is an attractive girl. Howard said they were saying that the sex was pretty conventional between them. Howard said he thinks he might have gotten kind of crazy with her. Howard said it would have been really embarrassing if that happened to him. He said he's so glad Gawker lost. Howard had another fake bit with Jeff Goldblum and Bubba's wife fucking. He played one more after that with a fake Michael Caine in it.
Robin asked if Bubba was in the next room watching. Howard said he'd like to know if he can talk about it. Gary said he has offered to talk about it in the past. Howard said he may not be able to. Gary said he'll give a call and see what he's up to. Howard said he kine of knows that he can't talk about it. Howard said maybe they can talk to him. Howard said Bubba is devastated by the whole thing. He said this case has ruined things for them and Bubba is bummed. Howard said he has been in contact with the guy about it.
Howard said Bubba is into some crazy shit. He said that's the bottom line. Howard said he could not watch any other guy fuck a woman he is in love with. Howard said Hulk Hogan was the best man at Bubba's wedding. Howard said the whole show was there for the wedding. Robin asked if he thinks that he'd had sex with her already. Howard said no. He said she's so dark.
Howard said he felt like the preacher was hitting on heather at the wedding. Robin said she did too. Gary said that he's texting with the Executive Producer at Bubba's show. Her name is Jabber Jaw. Howard got a laugh out of that.
Howard said Frank was kidnapped at one point and the story was that he had it set up. Howard said that stuck with him and it turned out to be bullshit. Howard said he felt bad for the guy. Howard said later in life he became his dad's band leader and his dad goofed on him. Howard said it just sucked. Gary said that his parents saw that going on and they said it was kind of sad.
Howard said that the last time Frank was on the show Frank got pissed while he was in the green room. He said he ended up walking off the show. Gary said he heard stuff being thrown against the wall in there. Gary said he thinks he got into an argument with the publicist and he got pissed and left. Howard said he was kind of bummed because he wanted him on the show.
Ronnie came in and said that he was already agitated when he got there. He said he was throwing things around in the green room. He said they went in with the release for him to sign and he refused to sign it. He said Gary went in to talk to him and he ended up just walking out. Howard said Frank Sinatra was out of his kid's lives for a while. Howard said then Nancy Sinatra had huge success and Jr. never had that. He said he was even a junior so he could never get away from that. Gary said they have another sister named Tina too. Howard said he thinks Frank dug his daughter when she had success.
Howard asked Ronnie if he's set a wedding date yet. Ronnie said they don't even talk about it. He said nothing is set.
Howard said he's so glad he doesn't have a Howard Stern Jr. He said you know he'd be a radio guy. Howard said it's never good to inherit something like that from your dad. He said it's like John Gambling. Ronnie said he used to work for him.
Howard and Robin talked about what David Letterman looks like. Howard said he thought he might run into him at the Steve Martin play. Howard said it was just Paul and Martin Short. He said he thought there would be more big names there. Ronnie said he was shocked Howard went to the show. Howard said he was shocked that he enjoyed it. Howard said he knew Steve could do something he would love. Robin said there are a lot of good things out there.
Howard said David Letterman is bald and he has a huge beard. Howard said he must have worn a hair piece or something. Howard said he just has no hair up there. Howard said you don't even recognize him anymore.
Howard played an Evil Dave clip where he's congratulating Ronnie on his engagement. Howard asked if Ronnie has any questions for Bubba. Ronnie said he's going to stay neutral. He said he's not going to ask anything. Howard asked if he ever fucked his wife. Ronnie said nothing like that ever happened. Howard said there might be tape of him jerking off in his house. Ronnie said that is possible.
Howard asked if it's true Ronnie refused to bring in his cock rings. Ronnie said Shuli said they were demanding it. He said he has them but he told him no. Howard said he isn't demanding to see them. Shuli came in and asked if he wants to see them to have closure. Howard said he knows what they are like. He said he doesn't need to see them. Ronnie said they are from a sex store and they're rubber. Howard said maybe they do want to see them. Howard had to take a break after that.
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Howard asked if Bubba is on now. Gary said no. Howard said he and Robin were talking about the Hulk Hogan case and they have many questions for Bubba. Howard said they have to ask him if he loves Hulk Hogan. Howard said they have to ask if they were for masturbation purposes. Howard said that they have to ask how many other people were on the list to fuck his wife. Howard said you must have had to be someone A-list to get to fuck her.
Howard said they say that Hulk had a beer can sized penis. Gary said they said it was Thermos sized. Howard said that some women would say that's too big. Robin said she's one who would say that.
Howard got Bubba on and Bubba was doing his show live at the same time. Howard said he and Bubba email each other once in a while. Bubba said he thought Howard was mad at him. He hasn't returned his email. Howard said he knew Bubba was hurting. Howard said he cares. He said he has a couple of questions for him and he can answer whatever he can.
Bubba said he has some things to bring up too. He said that he thought he pissed Howard off. Howard said he really hasn't. He said he has never been pissed off at him. Bubba said they have begged to come back and they've said no. Howard said they're just doing the channels where they're just playing his shows 24/7. Howard said he doesn't want to be anyone's boss. Howard said he's out of that. Howard said he loved working with Bubba though. He said they had a great alliance. Howard said he's still a very good friend. Bubba said he doesn't want to be a bitch and whine. Howard said things are good between them. Bubba said he hopes so.
Howard said his first question is about offering him up his wife. Howard said he did offer him her years ago. Howard asked if he would have taped him. Bubba said no. He said that no is no. Ned said that he would have. Bubba said he can't get into all of that anyway. Howard said Heather is sexy as hell. He said he's glad he didn't take him up on that tough. Howard said he would be so humiliated if that happened. Robin said Bubba would have had to have shown that to everyone because it was Howard. Bubba said that he didn't show anyone the Hulk tape. Howard said it was described as Thermos sized.
Howard said he has to know if he was watching while the tape was being made. Bubba said no. Howard asked if he was in another room watching. Bubba said no. Howard asked if Bubba gets off watching a guy with his girl. Bubba said that's not his thing. Howard said he could never allow another guy to be with his wife. Bubba said his moral compass was in a different spot than he's in now. Robin said his moral compass must be on a swivel. Bubba said this is unfair because if he asked Robin what she likes to do it's not right. Bubba asked what would have happened if Artie had done this to them. Bubba said no one is addressing that. Bubba said that Spice boy stole the tape and gave it to Mike Calta. He said if Artie had done that to him what would happen. Howard said he'd be furious.
Bubba said the only thing the tape was worth was getting him fired and getting Calta in his post. Howard asked Bubba how they got the tapes. Bubba said they were moving studios and Heather and other people had threatened to use the tapes. He said he put them in his office and he forgot about them in his office. He said Spice Boy stole them. Howard asked why he didn't sue him. Bubba said he did press charges. He said that the prosecutors went after him and he ended up losing his job over that.
Howard asked if he was using the tapes for his own sexual gratification. Bubba said no. He said he has not even seen the tapes. Howard asked if he gets off because there has to be a sexual component there. Bubba said he thinks he's pretty conventional. Robin asked how many other tapes there were. Bubba said there were 2 or 3. He said he really doesn't even know.
Howard said that Bubba might be the most generous person there is. Bubba said that's it. He said that's what this is all about. Howard asked if he has any other tapes. Bubba said no. Howard asked if he destroyed any. Bubba said no.
Gary asked Bubba what his plan was to use the tape for. Bubba asked who his agent is. Gary said it's Tony Burton. Bubba said he can't answer his question.
Bubba said that Jeff the Drunk called him and asked if he could come on his show. He said he called him out of nowhere. He said he told him that if Howard says it's okay that's fine. Bubba said that Howard got annoyed with him over that. Howard said he wasn't mad at Bubba. He said he was annoyed with Jeff.
Howard asked if Bubba still loves Hulk. Bubba said he would like to be his friend. He said he's not allowed to reach out to him. He said that Hulk has said they were never friends. Bubba said he gets that. He said he doesn't know that he would expect him to forgive him for what he did. He said if he had done something that bad to Howard he'd feel terrible. Howard asked if he's happy he got the money. Howard said he is. Bubba said he is too. Robin said that Hulk feels that he never could have been his friend based on this. Bubba said he understands that. He said he gets why he feels that way.
Howard asked if this changed his relationship with Heather. Bubba said no. He said he was a good friend of Hulk's and he thinks they had some great things they shared. He said he'd disappointed in himself and what he did. Robin asked how he proposed this to Heather. Bubba said he can't get into that. Howard said they need to teach people how to get this to happen. Bubba said he's not good at getting them back on Howard's channel. He said he'd like to come back to Sirius. Howard said he has said something to them and he thinks that they belong there. Bubba said he thinks they're respectable. He just can't get anyone to get back to them.
Howard said someone said to him that Bubba let Hulk do this because Bubba is gay. Howard asked if he's heard that. Bubba said he hasn't. Howard asked if Heather ever asked why he was letting her do this. Bubba said that he wasn't the only one pushing for this. He said it was mutually agreeing adults who wanted to do this.
Howard asked if Bubba was doing other girls during the marriage. Bubba said he can't get into all of that. He said that he may lose another job. Howard said Bubba is hung up on this because he thinks that he should fire his agent because of all of this. Bubba said that he never did that. He said that he's lying about that. Bubba said if Tony Burton worked rogue then maybe Don doesn't know anything about it. Bubba said he has no problem with Don so he has never asked him to fire Don. Gary said he likes Bubba and he's not sure what he expects out of him. Bubba said maybe he should ask Tony why he did what he did. Gary said maybe he has. Bubba said he never told him he did. Gary said he never asked.
Bubba asked them to just be careful asking about this stuff. Howard was asking who else she was with. Bubba said that he could ruin some lives. He said Howard is dancing with him. He said Howard is going to break something. He said Howard knows and he's lying. Howard said he doesn't know. Bubba said they should just move on. Howard asked if they have tape of Ronnie going to the bathroom. Bubba said no. He said Ronnie is the only real guy up there who is a real man. Howard asked if he's a friend of his. Bubba said he's not sure because he hasn't returned his last two emails. Howard said he has no problem with him. Bubba said he knows people have asked Howard for stuff and he prided himself by staying off his radar. He said he never asked for anything. He said he keeps his emails short and all of that. He said these other radio guys have been dicks to him and he's never been that way to him. Howard said he is so nice to him. Bubba said he needs to talk to him about some stuff and he won't return his emails.
Howard said he's not sure what to say about that stuff. Howard said he has nothing to do with his agent's business or anything like that. Howard said he's not sure what the question is or what he wants him to do. Howard said he has given up on answering that question. Howard said he writes these emails and he doesn't know what to do. Howard said he likes Bubba very much. He said he thinks he's a great guy. Howard said he has nothing to do with Tony Burton. Bubba said that Howard would be pissed if his agent's assistant did this to him.
Robin asked if there are going to be any charges filed. Bubba said he doesn't want to talk about anything that will upset Howard. Howard said he's not upset. Robin said this really isn't Howard upset. Bubba said that he's trying to be really nice. Howard said he has nothing to add about this whole agent thing. Howard said he's sorry that he taped the guy at all. Robin asked where his moral compass is. She said she wants to see that.
Howard said he enjoys hearing from Bubba and he assumed he was making a statement and not expecting feedback. He said he has nothing to do with it. Bubba said he's sorry for bugging him. He said he'll just check in and not bug him from now on. Howard told him to keep it simple. Howard asked if he went to his wedding. Bubba said he did. Howard asked if he has had him to his home. Bubba said he has but not the one he owns. He said it was a rental. Howard said he never taped him there either.
Howard said he really has said something to Scott Greenstein about getting him back there too. Howard said Bubba doesn't believe it. Bubba said that he almost fought Opie in the bathroom up there when he was bad mouthing Howard. Howard said he remembers that.
Howard asked how things are going with Nikki. Bubba said they're all good. He said none of this taping stuff is going on anymore. Howard asked if Bubba is lawsuit free as of today. Bubba said he has a couple more going on. He said he doesn't mean to be disrespectful of Howard. Howard said he's not. Bubba said all of this just blows his mind. He said he knows that if he hadn't taped it then this wouldn't be going on.
Howard asked Bubba if he makes a tape, does he label the tape. Bubba said they say it said ''Hogan'' on it but he's really not sure. Howard asked if he still has a copy of it. Bubba said it does not. Ned said it's labeled ''Thermos buster 36.''
Fred and Bubba said hello quickly. Howard asked if Fred had anything to ask. Fred said Howard has asked it all. Bubba said that Fred and Ronnie are the only guys he'd ask to have sex with his wife. Howard said that he might want to think about how he's the only real friend who turned him down. Howard said he's not going to do that. Howard said he's a real man. Howard said he has the bro-code. Bubba said if he has the bro-code then get him on there at Sirius. Howard said he has said it. Howard said he wants them to put Bubba on every channel. Bubba said he just wants to be on the Trucker channel.
Howard asked how his weight is. Bubba said he's doing better than ever. He said he's never going to be thin. Howard asked Ned what he weighs. Ned said 300. Howard asked if he is able to wipe himself. Bubba said he is. Howard asked if he's trying to kill himself. Bubba said look at the ass he pulls even at 300. Howard asked if it's stress. Bubba said it is. He said he's had more stress than any radio guy. Howard asked what he's eating. Bubba said it's just a lot of food. He said he doesn't even move his bowels more than every couple of days. Howard asked if he has a lot of material come out. Bubba said it is a pile. Howard asked if it's ever come out of the bowl. Bubba said it does choke up the water. Howard asked if he's made a tape of that. Bubba said he should because he'd be in a lot less trouble. Bubba said he'd like to see Howard's piles. He said he bets it's like his little Yorkie's pile.
Howard asked Bubba what he weighed at his most. Bubba said he was at 488 and then he was down to 249 when he worked for Howard. He said he had the good life then. Howard asked if he's using the gym. Bubba said he is. Howard said he can only imagine what he's eating.
Gary said that Bubba has been over 400. Howard said maybe Gary should listen to the show. He just said he was 488 at one point.
Howard asked Bubba more about his health. Bubba said that things are good. He said his blood pressure is great. Howard said that he's going to go to Scott Greenstein today to get him on over there.
Howard let Bubba go and said that they got no answers. Robin said they did find out there was no list but there might be other tapes. Howard said he thought he said there were no tapes. Robin said he said if he were to say what he could say that lives would be ruined. Howard said the only thing he feels they found out is that he takes a giant dump every couple of days. Howard said he was going into the thing about agents and all of that.
Howard said Bubba was kind of ranting in his emails the last couple of times he emailed him. He said he just had nothing to say about that stuff so he didn't answer. Howard said Bubba did say that he understands if he didn't make the tapes he wouldn't be in this situation. Howard said the big thing is that Ned and Manson still work with him. Howard said other than that they didn't learn a thing. Robin said they learned that he'd let Fred do it. Howard said that no one is that freaky. Howard said they also learned that Gary barely listens to the show. Howard said maybe try listening to this primarily. Gary said there is show stuff going on. Howard said Gary does that a lot though. He comes on the show and repeats stuff that was just said.
Howard said that Bubba kind of stone walled over a lot of the stuff. Howard said he'd have to listen back to it to figure out what was even said. Howard said he thinks they should take a break. Howard said Mark the Bagger is stopping in today. Howard said he's such a sweet guy he wants to help him out with whatever he's promoting today. They went to break after that. They played the ''Stink Finger'' song, a Beetlejuice bit and ''A Manly Tip from Richard Christy's Dad'' as they were going to break.
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Howard came back and listened to the song Fred had playing. Howard said they have Mark the Bagger coming in too. Howard said he was obsessed with Van Halen while they were away. Howard said he watched some video on YouTube. He said it's impossible to decide who was a better front man. Howard said both Dave and Sammy were great. Howard said Eddie's guitar work is great too. Howard said he's not sure why he's obsessed. Howard said he is driving himself insane. Howard said Michael Anthony is great at harmonizing with Sammy or David Lee Roth.
Howard said that Eddie has to be the best guitar player out there. Fred said he thinks he's one of the top but Jimi Hendrix was the best. Howard said that he was listening to Changes by Black Sabbath and he got teary. Howard said he's not sure what's going on with him. Howard said maybe it was the call with Bubba that got him so emotional. Howard said he loves this song so much. Fred was playing ''Changes.'' Howard said if Ozzy had never done that Osbourne's show he might be in a better place in rock history. Howard said he had great songs. Howard was getting weepy hearing the song. Howard said it's so freaky to him that he gets that way. Howard asked if Robin gets that way. Robin just said ''What?'' Howard said maybe he's becoming a woman. Howard said he is going through changes. Howard said the other song is ''Mama I'm Coming Home'' that he wrote for Sharon. Howard said at least that's what he told her. Howard said he thinks about death now. Robin said she had dinner with Denise Oliver and they were talking about friends they have lost and are losing. Howard cut her off to hear a part of the ''Changes'' song that made him emotional.
Howard said that is an eerie song. He said it's right up there with ''A Whiter Shade of Pale'' for him. Howard said he was listening to some Stone Temple Pilots and he wasn't sure if Scott Weiland had died or not. He said he had to look it up.
Fred played some of Ozzy's ''Mama I'm Coming Home'' and Howard spent a little time talking about Ozzy and Sharon. Howard said she should be in the rock and roll hall of fame.
Howard said he was listening to ''Vasoline'' and thinking about how great Scott was a great front man. Howard said he isn't sure why he couldn't remember if he died. Howard said maybe he didn't want to remember it.
Howard said he forgot to ask Bubba about giving Hulk a pair of sunglasses when the tape was ending.
Howard asked Robin if she saw Batman V Superman. Robin said she did and she loved it. Howard said it's getting really bad reviews. Howard said there was one guy who said that Ben Affleck was the best Batman though.
Howard said the movie ''Creed'' is fantastic. Howard said he watched it with Beth and she loved it. Howard said he thinks that Stallone was robbed. He said he agrees with Michael Rapaport about that now. Howard said Stallone really carried the movie.
Howard said Scott Weiland came up with ''Flies in the Vasoline'' when he heard Life in the Fast Lane and mis-heard the lyrics.
Howard said the whole David Letterman thing is scary. He said that hair is freaking him out. Howard said Dave went full big foot. Howard said he's like Sasquatch. Robin asked if he's chopping his own wood too. Howard said maybe he is. Howard asked what could be going through his head with that. Howard said he thought he was going to be at Steve Martin's play. Howard said he thought a lot more celebrities would have been there. Howard said he thought maybe he shouldn't be there. Howard said he always picks the wrong things to go to. Howard said he apparently has no fucking clue about where to go.
Robin said she was reading about Lady Gaga's 30th and that's where everyone was. Howard said he did see martin Short and Paul Shaffer. Howard said Martin was coughing a lot though. Howard said he and Paul took a photo together. Howard said Paul and Martin are much shorter than he is. Howard said he really wishes David Letterman was at the play. He said he wants to know if he's shitting in a hole in the ground and has a well for water. Howard said he wants to know how far he's taking this whole mountain man thing.
Howard read about some of the other people who were at the play. He said that he might be the biggest name there other than Steve Martin. Howard said he would have liked to have seen more support for Steve. Robin said not even Michael Caine was there. Howard said he has a phony phone call Michael made to a strip club. Howard played the clip of fake Michael Caine asking questions about visiting the place. He claimed to have a service pony that he wanted to bring in. The guy on the phone said that would be fine. Then he jerks his pony off and the guy hangs up. They went to break after that.
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Howard said he was watching ''Girls'' and they had a cover of ''Life on Mars'' by someone named Aurora and she's really good. Robin said she's not liking the beard thing on that Jack Garratt guy. Howard said even Benjy trimmed his beard. Howard asked Benjy what he was thinking when he grew it out. Benjy said for one thing he put color in it to make it even. He said when it was full he didn't need to color it as often. Howard asked why it was the big beard. Benjy said it was fun to have it. Howard asked if he thinks Letterman is looking for attention. Benjy said he doesn't think so.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Conan was on after he got screwed by Leno and he said that it was a sign of depression. Howard asked Benjy if he associated that with his. Benjy said he thinks that Letterman may be trying to create a new identity. Howard said he thinks it might be a depression thing with Benjy. Howard said Benjy is their shitty beard correspondent. Howard said it could have been that depression thing for Letterman. The caller said he did the same thing when he got out of the service. He didn't know what he was going to do with his life so he grew one out.
Howard asked Fred to find that song by Aurora. Howard said he's not sure if the song is even out. He said it was on Girls. Howard asked who Aurora is. He wondered if she's hot. Howard said she sounds like she might be. Howard asked who that girl is that's hot but not that great a singer. Robin asked if it was Selena Gomez. Howard laughed. Howard said this girl is 19.
Howard said Lena Dunham has balls. He said she's naked and doesn't seem to give a shit. Howard said he has such shame about his own body.
Howard asked if Mark has a cold. Mark said he has a sinus thing going on. Howard asked if Mark would let Hulk fuck his wife. Mark said no. Howard asked a bunch of questions and Mark kept saying ''No'' over and over. Howard asked if he were to allow Hulk to fuck his wife, would he give him sunglasses. Mark said yes to that.
Howard said last time Mark was there he had a cologne called Bagger No. 7. Howard said they say it sold out. Mark said it did. Howard asked why they stopped making it. Mark said it's not available. Howard asked if he saw a dime from it. Mark said no. Howard said he has to get his manager in there.
Howard said that Mark also said that he isn't close with the Bloodhound Gang anymore. Mark said he just hasn't seen them around. Howard said he had a girlfriend last time he was in there too. Mark said they broke up. Howard asked about moving out of his mom's house and what happened there. Mark said she just wanted a friend with benefits. He said that her and his good friend hooked up on Thanksgiving weekend. Howard said this whole Hulk Hogan thing is sensitive to him. Howard said Mark can ask Robin out. Mark said no and said that he wanted to ask a girl out on FOX news. He said she does a morning show and didn't know her name.
Howard said it's kind of shallow that he wants a girl on TV whose name he doesn't even know. Howard asked if Mark thinks that he's really in her league. Mark said no but just give him one shot. He said she has nice tits and ass. Howard asked if he was talking about Ainsley Earhardt or Anna Kooiman. Mark wasn't sure.
Howard asked if Mark is still jerking off a lot. Mark said he is. Howard asked how old he is now. Mark said he's 40. Howard asked about jerking off to the girl on FOX News and if he ever finishes when they switch the camera to someone else. Howard told him that he's done that when he was younger. He said he'd jerk off to Ginger on Gilligan's Island and then they'd show the Professor and he'd finish.
Howard asked Mark if it's true that his manager owns the name ''Mark the Bagger.'' Mark said it is. Howard asked how he signed the paper and why he did it. Mark said he didn't know what he was signing. Howard said he should have said he owns the name Mark the Bagger. Howard asked how he found out about it. Mark said he doesn't know. Howard asked a bunch of questions about the ownership of the name but Mark didn't seem to know much about it.
Howard had the guys bring in his manager Anthony. Anthony came in and Howard said he has a big beard like Letterman. Howard said it makes him look like he's in ISIS. Anthony said that Jimmy Pop from the Bloodhound Gang used to call him Sal-Queada. Howard said he doesn't want to see him on a plane with shoes on.
Howard asked Anthony how he owns the name Mark the Bagger. Anthony said that he brought Mark on the show years ago and named him Mark the Bagger because he bagged groceries. He said he puts all of his personal money out there and gives him half of it and doesn't ask for anything back. Howard asked why they stopped making the cologne. Anthony said that he didn't want to go make more of it. He said Mark did get 50/50 split of the money. Howard asked Mark why he didn't tell the truth. Mark said he did get most of it.
Howard asked if Anthony is his manager full time. Anthony said he's been doing it for 15 years now. He said they've made a good amount of money from this. He said that he's writing a book about Mark and they'll split that 50/50 too. Anthony said that Mark gets the money. Mark was agreeing but Gary said he wants to take him out of the room to see what Mark says when he's not in there.
Howard asked Mark if he has seen any money. Mark said he has. He said he has seen more than he should. Howard asked if he really had a girlfriend he had sex with. Mark said yes.
Howard had Anthony come back in after that. Howard said that Mark did say he gave him money. Howard said maybe he thinks he's going to get beheaded because of that beard.
Howard asked why Anthony got Mark out of his mom's house. Mark said he wasn't getting along with his mom and he had to be on his own. Howard asked if she ever caught him masturbating. Mark said yes. He said yes to a bunch of questions. Howard asked if he keeps jerking off when his mom walks in. Mark said he did. Howard asked if it just feels too good to stop. Mark said yes. He was answering yes or no to most of the questions Howard asked.
Howard asked Mark what his mom was doing. Anthony said that his mom was spending Mark's money. He said he'd have to go to the bank and give him the money directly. He said that he didn't want his mom to have it. Howard asked if he ever came on his mom's face. Mark said no.
Howard asked Mark who he's voting for in the next election. Mark said Donald Trump. Howard asked if he's ever jerked off to Trump's wife Melania. Mark said he has. Howard asked if he's jerked off to other candidates. Mark said he has jerked off to Hillary Clinton. He said he's never jerked off to Caitlyn Jenner. He said that was sad. Mark said he would never do that. He said he doesn't jerk off to transgender people. Howard asked if he would jerk off to a transgender that looks just like Anna Kooiman. Mark said he wouldn't do it. Anthony said he caught him jerking off in his kitchen once when he came back from tour.
Howard asked where Mark finishes. Mark said he jerks off onto the floor. Howard asked if he has a favorite type of porn. Mark said he likes XVideo. He said he likes girl on girl and MILFs. Howard asked when he cums on the floor is it on carpet. Mark said it is and he just leaves it there. Howard asked if his carpet has years and years of loads on it. Mark said it dries up. Howard asked if it's one spot or different spots. Mark said it's different parts. Howard said that's so he doesn't create a hill. Howard said he would think the proper thing to do is to cum into a sock or a tissue. Mark said he goes into a plastic cup sometimes. Howard said that something must get him off cumming into the carpet. Mark said he doesn't think about it.
Howard asked if his mom complained about the cum in the carpet. Mark said she did. Mark said he stays in touch with her on the phone. He said she's about a half hour from her now. He said she didn't want him coming up there. Howard said a man has to be free to shoot a load on his carpet. Howard asked if he still works in a grocery store. Mark said he's working in a casino. He said he does odds and ends in the kitchen. He said he sweeps, takes out the trash and things like that.
Howard asked if Mark's masturbation was down when he was with the girlfriend. Mark said it was. He said she wanted it every day for a while. He said he had to stop it though. He said he was too tired. Mark said he just stopped jerking off and having sex.
Howard said this is some story. He said no wonder Anthony is writing a book. Howard asked Anthony about the book. Anthony said it's already amazing and it's only half done. Howard asked if they need a second half. Anthony said maybe not. He said the first half is amazing. He said he could end it there.
Howard asked Anthony about managing Mark and how crazy that is. Anthony said that it is crazy but he loves it. He said Mark is like a little brother to him. Howard asked if Mark would ever jerk Anthony off. Mark said he'd pass. Howard asked if he'd do it to save his life. Mark said he would.
Howard asked Mark about his carpet and what color it is. Mark said it's brown. Howard said the cum must really show up. Mark said it does. Howard asked if he just waits for it to dry up to vacuum it up. Mark said yes.
Howard asked Mark where he jerks off to Hillary Clinton. Mark said he just sees her on TV. He said she's in a pantsuit when he jerks off to her. Howard asked what the sexy feature is on her. Mark said her body. Howard said you never see her titties. Mark said he just has a fascination for her. Howard asked what he thinks about. Mark said he'd like to fuck her and Monica Lewinsky. Howard asked if he ever jerked off to Carly Fiorina. Mark said he did. He said he liked her tits and her eyes. Howard said Carly listens to the show so put the word out. Mark said he'd like to go out with her and fuck her.
Howard asked Mark what position he's in when he's fucking Hillary. Mark said doggy style. He said he likes a full bush too. Howard asked if that's in the book. Anthony was laughing.
Robin said that Hillary is going to hear about this in her notes today. Howard said she probably will. Howard said she's going to need to read his book.
Howard asked Mark what he likes about Trump. He asked about the wall and what he thinks about that. Mark said he doesn't care about the wall. He said he just thinks he's cool.
Howard asked if Mark has ever finished on the ceiling. Mark said no. Anthony said he saw cum on his drapes. Mark denied it at first but then admitted he had done it there. Anthony said that it's like Spider-Man shooting all over the room.
Howard asked Mark if he has ever tasted his own cum. Mark said no. Howard said he has smelled his. He said it's like ammonia. mark eventually admitted he has smelled and tasted it. He said that it tasted like vanilla ice cream. Howard said he has to share with Robin then.
Howard said Mark looks fabulous. Mark put the word out to his friend Sonny that he's cool with him being with his ex-girlfriend. He said he still hangs out with him but not her. Anthony said that she does hang out with them. He said he's seen them watching TV together. Mark said that doesn't happen anymore. He said it's too painful for him.
Howard asked Mark if he has ever played with his asshole at all. Mark said he has. Howard said he doesn't recommend it. Howard asked if Mark misses pussy. Mark said he does. He said he hasn't had it since October. Howard said it's such a great thing. Howard asked if he has ever used a cock ring. Mark said no. Howard said Ronnie has. Mark said that's what he's heard.
Howard asked Mark if he's ever thought about having sex with Robin. Mark said he has and he imagines her going down on him. Howard asked Mark if he has ever wiped his finger on the carpet when he has shit on it. Mark said he wipes it on his shirt. Howard asked if he wipes it on the drapes. Mark said no. Howard said don't mind him if he doesn't come over to his house. Mark said that's fine.
Howard asked Mark about how he cleans his computer when he jerks off. Mark said he has wipes to clean it. Howard said Mark is a fascinating young man. Howard said he loves when he comes in there. Howard said the book is the focus now. Howard asked if they have a publisher yet. Anthony said not yet. Howard said he's sure they will get one after today. Howard said try to make a good deal.
Howard asked about where Mark wipes his boogers. Mark said he uses a tissue. Mark said he will flick it once in a while. Robin said if they went to his apartment for DNA they'd be there forever. Howard asked Mark how often he washes his sheets. Mark said every week. Howard said he knows better than JD. JD said he does it every week now. Howard said you know he's lying. Mark laughed and said it's bullshit. Howard asked if he's ever tasted his own boogers. Mark said no way. He said he won't even taste his own shit.
Howard asked Mark how much he shits. Mark said it's morning, noon and night. Howard asked what he's eating that makes him shit so much. Mark said it's just eggs, bacon... Howard asked if he shits big piles. Mark said once in a while he does. Howard asked if he looks at it. Mark said sometimes he does. Howard asked if he's ever shit his pants. Mark said no. Howard asked if he wipes with just toilet paper. Mark said he does. Howard asked about wiping and if he scoops it out. Mark said some gets on his fingers. Howard asked if he ever leaves shit in there. Mark said no.
Howard asked Mark if he has ever jerked off while shitting. Mark said no but eventually said that once in a while he does.
Howard asked if he's ever rubbed his ass on the floor like a dog. Mark said no. Howard said he has to go back on vacation. Howard said he wishes Mark luck with the book. Howard asked Anthony what the process is for writing it. Anthony said there's something to write about every day. He said if he explained it to people they wouldn't even believe it.
Howard asked Mark what his mom said to him when she caught him jerking off. Mark said she just told him to stop it. He didn't stop though. Howard said they should study him. He said he's like a medical experiment. Howard said this has gone on way longer than he thought it would.
Howard said that Anthony is halfway through with the book. Howard said they want to get a publisher interested in it. He said he can't imagine anyone would pass on this chance to put the book out. Howard said this has been fascinating.
Mark thanked Jimmy Kimmel for inviting them to the birthday show. Howard asked if Jimmy invited him. Mark said he's not sure but he was a great host.
Howard suggested a book name for Mark's book. He said it could be called ''I cum on my Carpet: The Mark the Bagger story.'' Anthony said that's a good one. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said it's a good concert so if you're jerking off on your carpet then you'll enjoy it. Howard said he came on Fred's foot.
Howard took a call from a guy who hung right up when he picked up. Howard played a prank call the guys made to a radio show with fake Charlie Sheen. They had Charlie rambling and forgetting his kid's names. The host hung up once but he was back on the line one more time.
Howard said he read a story about a doctor who was accused of ejaculating on a patient's face. Howard said he would be suspicious of this. Howard said the guy is accused of drugging a patient and ejaculating on a patient's face. Howard said he claims he masturbated in a lounge earlier and got the semen on her face without knowing. Howard said the guy claims that's how it ended up on the woman. Howard said the guy says he whacked off in the lounge and got the semen on her later when he examined her. Howard said the prosecutor says he masturbated at her bed side and came on her face. Howard said they found semen in her eye. Howard said he believes the doctor. Howard said they say this guy also write 44 song parodies about Robin's tits. Howard said there are actually other women who have come forward with accusations of being groped by this doctor.
Howard took a call from a guy, Balls, who said that Mark the Bagger is great. He said that he missed something. He said even he knows to change his sheets after a week. Howard thanked him for the call.
Howard said another guy who died was Joe Garagiola. Howard said he liked watching that guy when he was growing up.
Robin said that Dr. Drew sang the National Anthem at a L.A. Kings game. Howard played some audio of that. Howard said they have to have Robin sing it at a game. Howard said he would sing like Drew if he did something like that. Howard tried doing it along with Drew singing. Howard wondered if he ever came on anyone's face. Howard said he'd rather hear that guy sing. Howard said Robin has to do it. Howard did it on his own after that. He said he just wants to see if he could pull it off. Robin laughed as he was howling it out. Robin said they should have Drew do a concert there. Howard said he's going to put it out there for Drew to do a half hour concert. Howard said he could have him do ''Old Man River'' like his dad.
Howard said they asked Harrison Ford to sing the top 5 songs. Howard played the audio of fake Harrison Ford signing the top 5 songs on the Billboard charts. Howard played some of the real songs too.
Howard asked if Robin is watching Daredevil on Netflix. Robin said she's only seen about 2 of this season's episodes. Howard said it's pretty great. Howard said he's up to about the 5th episode. Robin said The Walking Dead is great too. She said that she's not going to spoil anything though.
Howard mentioned some people they had sitting in the studio today. Howard said they get to sit and watch them perform. Howard said he told them they can get up and leave if they get bored.
Howard said Joey Boots fell asleep during his own Periscope the other night. Howard said that he is back to drinking again so that might be what happened. Howard played a clip of Joey talking and he was kind of talking slow and it got really slow and then he just falls asleep. JD said he was out for a few hours. Howard said that JDini will be returning this week.
Shuli said he spent the day with Joey recently and the apartment is rather messy. He said the building Joey and Erik live in are the smallest rooms you've ever seen. Shuli had to repeat that when Howard said that he just zoned out on what he was saying. Shuli said Joey is back to drinking and back on the bad side of things. Howard told him to come back in when he has something interesting to say. He said he stopped listening to his own show when Shuli was talking. Howard said he's generally pretty good but that sucked.
Robin started her news with some Easter news. Robin said she read that Lamar Odom was wearing bunny ears at the Kardashian Easter. Howard said he'd like to know how rabbits got involved with eggs for Easter. Howard said he'd like to know who dreamt that up. Robin said Pez the candy company had a free event in Connecticut but they had to call it off when unruly parents bum rushed the event and shoved preschoolers out of the way to get candy filled eggs. Robin had some audio of some people talking about what happened there. Robin said that Pez laid out nearly 10,000 eggs and they were stunned to see this happening. Howard said the shocking part of this story is that Pez still exists. Howard said that candy is such shit. He said all of them should be arrested. Howard said the dispenser is cool but the candy is awful. Robin had some audio of someone from Pez talking about the event.
Robin read a story about a bouncy house in England when strong winds flung one with a girl trapped inside over the weekend. Robin said the girl was killed when the wind sent the castle flying across a park. Robin said it ripped the castle from the moorings and it was blown about the length of 3 football fields. Robin said the girl was rescued but died a few hours later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loved the Garry Shandling tribute. Howard said he's glad Garry didn't die in a bouncy house. Howard said he was so good to him. He said Garry's career and comedy was great and he's going to miss him. The caller asked how much time Howard spent putting together the tribute while he was on vacation. Howard said he did have to wait a couple of days. He said it is difficult. Howard said that conversation was going nowhere.
Howard said he gave Beth the full eulogy and she fell asleep. Howard said they lost Frank Sinatra Jr. and Joe Garagiola too. Howard said they also lost Meir Dagan. Howard explained who he was and what he did. Robin said that Mother Angelica also died. Howard said that Captain Janks used to bust her balls so much and she had the weakest comebacks. Howard played a prank call that Janks made to her where she came back with a 2 minute lecture for Janks. Howard said he was reading that no one prays anymore. He said it's boring. Howard said his favorite was when Janks asked Mother Angelica if she ''would spread for Baba Booey.'' Howard played that call too. Janks got another lecture from Mother Angelica about that. Howard said he hears a lot of his mom in that clip. He said she could lecture him just like that. Mother Angelica went on and on in her lecture.
Robin and Howard spent a little more time talking about the Hulk Hogan case. Howard wondered if he's going to be able to collect. Howard said he read about a guy who was hit by a crane in New York City and he's only asking for 40 million. Howard said Hulk got $125 million. He said Gawker would have been better off dropping a crane on the guy. Howard said he's not sure how Hulk is going to collect. Robin said they think he has the money but he hasn't gotten it yet. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said one more guy who died while they were away was Mayor Rob Ford. Howard said he had cancer or something.
Robin asked when it's okay for political opponents to bash each other's wives. Howard said he's been enjoying it. Howard said this is his kind of election. Robin said trump is now accusing Ted Cruz of buying the GQ pictures of Melania that they used. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about that. Trump said Cruz started this whole thing too. Robin said Trump has also become a grandfather. Howard said that the kid's name is Theodore so that's Ted. He said it's unusual. Robin said this is his 8th grandchild. Robin said there were also reports in the National Enquirer saying that Ted Cruz has had extramarital affairs. Howard said that can't be true. He said no one would sleep with that guy. Robin had audio of Cruz talking about that and saying they are lies.
Howard asked the woman sitting in the studio of she would blow Ted Cruz to have world peace. She said no. Howard asked one of the guys. He said no way too.
Robin read Donald Trump talking about suing to change Louisiana's nomination laws. Robin said that he won the primary down there but Ted Cruz could come out with more delegates. Robin explained why that is and what could happen.
Robin read about how Bernie Sanders won 3 states last week. They spent a short time talking about that.
Howard took a call from a guy, Chad, who said he saw that Benjy is going to be in another Sharknado flick. Howard said that most people know not to do it. Benjy said he already did it. He said they have him in every movie. Benjy said he was in it and Elisa is in it. He said he had a big scene with Stacy Dash. He said he's not sure what he can say about the scene so he stopped there.
Howard took a call from Bobo and told him that he's really hated in the email. Howard said Bobo was bragging to Shuli about how fast he is at multiplication. Howard said that's what every 4th grader does. Howard said he's a grown man. Howard asked how old he is. Bobo said he just turned 63. Howard played some tape of Bobo talking about how he's the fastest in his times tables from 2 to 9. He rattled off some of his answers. Howard said that this is something he should not be bragging about. Bobo said they were talking about something else. Howard cut him off with a song parody about hanging up on Bobo. Howard asked what 9x9 was. Bobo knew it. He knew 3x6 too. He was a little slow with that one. Howard reversed it asking what 6x3 is. Howard said Bobo was bragging about how he knows his ABCs. Howard asked how many letters are in the alphabet. Bobo said he doesn't know. Howard said oh come on. He told him to guess. Bobo guessed 28 and then 27. Then he guessed 29. Howard said he's getting closer. Howard said there are 470. Howard said it's actually 26. Bobo said ''Whatever.'' Bobo said that he liked that ''Creed'' movie too. He said his son Carmine was an extra in the movie too. He said he was on the set for 3 weeks. Howard said his son wasted 3 weeks of his life. That's what Bobo was trying to say.
Robin read a story about Bernie Sanders talking about how Hillary Clinton raises money for her campaign. Howard said he has to clear his throat. Robin said Hillary is having a fund raiser and it's costing couples $353,000. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about some terrorist attacks that happened while they were away. Robin said they have more American's identified among the dead in Brussels. Robin said that John Kerry is also defending the President after he stayed in Cuba after the bombings. Robin had some audio of John Kerry talking about why Obama stayed down there. Howard asked where Brussels is. Robin said it's near France in Europe.
Robin read a story about another bombing in Pakistan that took place yesterday. Robin had some audio of someone there talking about the bombing. Robin said she spent some of her vacation with a Pakistani man who was in the army and now wants to concentrate on peace.
Robin read a story about some college basketball game. That led to Howard playing some audio of some asshole going crazy over a play in a game. Howard said that's the sound you make when your penis gets cut off.
Robin read a story about Hugh Jackman saving some people from a rip current at a beach.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Howard had a David Lee Roth Van Halen song on his movie soundtrack. Howard said he thinks both Dave and Sammy were great. Gary said he's had similar conversations and people yell at him for not being in the David Lee Roth camp. Howard said David started in the band but Van Halen's biggest selling album was with Sammy. Howard said he loves trying to figure out who is better. Howard said David was more theatrical than Sammy. Howard said Sammy played guitar too though. He said he thinks Sammy felt he had to do leg lifts and all of that. He said he eventually stopped. Howard asked Fred what he thinks. He said he thinks that David was the best. He said Sammy might be the better singer now though. The caller asked what his favorite album is. Howard said he's stuck in the douchiest conversation. He ended it a short time later.
Robin read about Batman v Superman and how it made over $100 million over the weekend. Robin said that's a record for a March opening. Howard told Gary to try to get him a screener. Robin said she loved the movie. Howard said Jason was disappointed. Jason came in and said that he wanted to like it so bad. He said it was about 3 hours of a story that was like 4 stories jammed together. Howard asked if he has been watching Daredevil. Jason said he hasn't started that yet. Jason said he went to the movie sober and he really wanted it to hit. He said he likes all of the DC shows that are on. Howard said he gets so upset when they do the red Kryptonite thing with Supergirl. Howard said he hates it when they do those kind of episodes. Jason said it wasn't that bad. He said it was good but he could skip it and move on to the next episode.
Robin said she loved Ben Affleck as Batman. Jason said he did too. Howard asked what he ate during the movie. Jason said he had pretzel bites with dipping cheese. Howard asked why not just eat the pretzels. Jason said it came with the cheese. Howard asked if he ate a whole pig this weekend. Jason said he cooked a pork butt. He said it wasn't a whole pig. Howard said he can't eat a pig. He said they're too nice. Jason said all animals are nice.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the movie was great. The caller said it was phenomenal. He said they did have a lot of story lines in it but it was great. Howard said he heard Ben was great in it. Jason said he was. He said it was a bit disjointed though. Howard said he will watch it and give his final verdict on it.
Gary said some people said Jason was in a different mood today after seeing the movie. Jason said he wanted it to be good. Howard said he does too.
Robin wrapped up her news and they ended the show around 11:25am.
Jon said he wants to talk about Bobo and how he did his times tables. Matt said that Bobo always brings the show to a grinding halt (Just like Matt Berry does). They talked about that for a couple of minutes. Matt said that he is so hated that he's never heard anyone say they're a fan. Jon said they've had people in there who are fans. Matt said that Bobo is 99.9 percent loathed by the Stern universe that he's grasping at anything to be liked.
Jon said that Howard keeps having him on. He said that he is entertained by him. Matt said the stuff around Bobo is great. Matt said he is saying this because he feels that he's speaking for the world. Matt said that the times table stuff is just boring. He said it brings the show to a grinding halt. Gary said he thought that it was interesting. He said it wasn't boring at all.
Jon took a call from a guy who wasn't there. They got back to Bobo and talked about how he didn't even know how many letters there are in the alphabet. Matt said he has asked Rahsaan to make a poll out of this. Rahsaan said they'll have that up later.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks Bobo has been making up for his calls lately. He said he left his phone on that day and he thinks that was great. He said he thinks that he knew that would get goofed on. Jon said they should talk about that. Matt said he would hate hearing so many people talking about how much they hate him. Gary said the show is Bobo's life and he thinks he enjoys it no matter what they're saying about him. Matt said he'd like to know who married Bobo. Gary said he's met her and she seemed very normal. They went to break a short time later.
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Jon said they have to get Robin to sing. Gary said he bets she would do it. Jon said he thinks she would too.
Jon said they have to talk about Bubba since he called in today. Gary said he thought today's call was compelling. He said at times it was really uncomfortable. He said that Bubba seemed to be mad at Howard and at him too. He said he did enjoy listening to it though. He said Bubba has a lot going on in his head.
Jon asked Matt what he thinks. Matt said he thinks Bubba is frustrated with the whole situation. Gary said that Bubba creates a lot of what goes on in his life. Matt said he hasn't been following the case very close. He said he thinks that Bubba hinted at something today which was that he had taped Hulk and his ex-wife. Gary said he doesn't think that he's saying anything other than his security camera captured the event. They spent a little more time talking about that. Gary said he wouldn't even begin to speculate on what is going on in Bubba's mind. He said applying logic to the whole thing doesn't work.
Jon took a call from a guy who said when Bubba gets on he has to take a shower. He said if you listen to the old tapes of Bubba and Howard talking about it he's not sure why Howard is accepting of what Bubba told him initially. He said that he seems to have changed his story. Jon said there was a lot of paranoia going on with Bubba today. He said he was complaining about Howard not returning his emails and all of that. Matt asked what Gary makes of that. Gary said sometimes you just don't respond because you don't know what to say. Jon said maybe you just forget to get back to them.
Jon took a call from Michael Rapaport who asked if it's harder to listen to Matt's voice or look at his butter face on ESPN. He said he has to listen to this now. He said he's never called a male a butter face but he is doing that today. Michael asked Matt how it feels that he's better at fantasy football than he is. Matt said that's not true. He said Michael lost to him 2 years ago. Matt said he's sure they can have this conversation for Howard when they're on the Stern Show at some point. Matt said he hates when the Wrap Up Show turns into a show about the guests. He said that he thinks it should be about the Howard Stern Show. Michael was gone so Gary figured he had a bad connection.
Matt said they have big names listening to the show so please someone out there give Michael a job. He said he hasn't seen him on TV lately. He said that he only hears him on podcasts. Gary said there must be something in the 50 Shades of Grey sequel. He said their friend Dana Brunetti is producing it so maybe he can give him something. They went to break a short time later.
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Jon said Howard was excited to see Steve Martin's play but he was let down by the guest list. Gary said he was looking for big names other than the people who were there. Gary said he thinks he likes to see fun people like that.
Matt said he didn't know how close Howard and Steve Martin were. He said that he wasn't sitting next to him but he was close. Gary said he remembers Howard complaining about where he got to sit at Ed Bradley's funeral. He said he finally made it when he got to speak at Joan Rivers' funeral.
Jon said he wants to talk about Mark the Bagger and how much he jerks off. He said they talked about where he jerks off and how much he does it. Gary said he has no ramifications for where he does it. He has no one to complain about it. Jon played a quick clip of Mark talking about jerking off on his carpet.
Gary said Mark doesn't seem to have a filter and he's not sure where the line is. Matt said there is a weirdness there with him. He said he changes his answer kind of like Wendy does.
Matt said there seems to be a Wack Pack cycle. He said they had a lot of Hanzi for a whole and now they get High Pitch Erik and Mark the Bagger. He asked if they consciously go through that. Gary said it's very organic. He said sometimes people just stop calling. He said they may call in again eventually.
Matt said he felt like Gary dodged a bullet today. He said Gary asked that question that was already answered and Howard dropped it pretty quickly. Jon said Gary has to be on the look out for that every day.
Jon said that Howard also remembered Garry Shandling today. He said he thought he gave him a nice tribute today. Jon said he was only 66 years old. Gary said they all have mad respect for Garry. He said The Larry Sanders show was so good and it gets so much respect. Gary said that it was right up their alley. Gary said he saw Garry at a rain forest concert once and he came out and did a great joke about Divine Brown. He said he just found him to be a brilliant mind. He said that he spawned Judd Apatow and others too. They spent a couple more minutes talking about Garry before wrapping up the show. They were done around 12:05pm.
They had a clip of Beetlejuice singing ''Great American Nightmare'' as they started. Howard started the show singing along with Beetlejuice a little bit. Howard said he could listen to him all day. Every mumble. Howard said Beet knows more words to that song than he does.
Howard said they tried to get Mark the Bagger to do some recordings yesterday and he just fell asleep in the middle of it. Howard said they had him sing a song parody about Robin. He said he did that just fine. He played some of that song about Robin. Howard said he was obsessed with the fact that Mark jerks off into his carpet. He said it's being free and disgusting.
Howard said they do a lot of recording with guests like that and he got so exhausted that he just fell asleep. Howard played another clip of Mark recording a song with Richard helping him out. Then Mark just slowly fades out and yawns. Howard said then he woke up.
Howard said that's something. He said they lock people in a room and record prank calls and you name it. Howard said they were busy with the prank calls. Howard said they called a religious show and Ted Cruz's dad is named Raphael Cruz. Howard said people don't think about that. Robin said they kind of tuck him away. Howard said they said fuck that and called a radio show as Raphael. Howard played the call and they had Ham Hands Bill playing the part of Raphael. They called a radio show and had Bill talking about Ted Cruz and saying outrageous stuff. They cut him off when he cursed too much for them. Howard asked Robin if she could fuck Ted Cruz. Robin said no. Howard said he's not sexy.
Howard asked who their guest is today. He had Mariann from Brooklyn telling them who was coming up. It was George Lopez. Howard said George is a great guest. He said he'll come in and tell them what he's up to.
Howard said the creepiest relationship was Richard Nixon and Pat Nixon. Howard said he loves reading books about Nixon and his presidency. Howard said in some ways he was great but in other ways he was insane. Howard said his wife was way out of his league. Howard said the rumor is that he was so desperate for a wife that he proposed to her on their first date. Howard said just imagine someone did that to Robin. He said she'd tell him to fuck off. Robin said right. Howard said Nixon followed her around for 2 years. He said he learned to ice skate for her and got bloody trying to learn. Howard said then he got even more desperate. Howard said he agreed to drive her on dates with other men. Howard said Pat didn't talk to Nixon for 6 months so he tracked her down again. Howard said he thinks she was one of the most miserable people when Nixon was in office. Howard said he put up with a lot of shit for a woman. Robin said he made her pretty miserable.
Howard asked Jeff why he's banging something with his good hand. Jeff said he has a gavel. Howard said if Jeff was this vested in a real job he'd be a CEO by now. Jeff said he doesn't think so.
Jeff said Bubba is nothing but a liar. He said he told Howard yesterday that it was his idea to be on his show when it was actually Bubba's idea. Jeff said it was Bubba's idea. He said he is telling him the truth. Robin asked what his evidence is. Jeff said he taped him. Howard said everyone is taping everyone else. Howard said Bubba might be in big trouble now that Jeff has everything on tape.
Gary said that Shuli has a different take on this. Shuli came in and said that Jeff called Bubba's show to talk to him about some guests he had on the show. Shuli said that Jeff called the show and Bubba jokingly asked him to be on the show. He said it's a different story. Howard said he has The Lump on the phone too. Jeff called The Lump a piece of shit. Howard said it's funny how Jeff thinks Bubba asked him to come on the show but he was just joking.
Howard said Shuli is looking good. He lost some weight. Shuli said he's trying. Jeff said he's telling the truth about Bubba. Robin asked if what Shuli said is true. Jeff said ''What?'' so Howard just let him go. He let The Lump go too.
Shuli said Jeff has a chick coming to visit him from the other side of the world. Shuli said he has checked her out and this girl doesn't seem to have an agenda. He said she seems to be in love with Jeff.
Howard said High Pitch Erik has a love triangle going on too. Howard said there are people out there who want to be involved with the show. He said this girl showed some interest in Erik and now he thinks that she's in love with him. Shuli said there are two women and one ended up blocking Erik on Facebook so now he's putting all of his energy into this other girl.
Howard played a clip of Shuli talking to Erik about the girl problems he's having. Erik said that he doesn't want to talk about it but then he talked about it. Erik said there's one girl who is jealous of another girl that likes him. Erik said she's jealous that he met another woman. He said they're friends and fans of the show. Erik said he met this one in the Atlanta airport. Erik said she was nice enough to meet him in Atlanta to help him. He said the other woman is mad at him over that.
Howard said imagine seeing him heading to the seat next to you. Howard said he thinks these women want to help him. Shuli said he called one woman and she has no idea what she's involved with. Howard played another clip of the woman talking about how Erik thinks she's his best friend already. She said Erik has come on very strong and she had hundreds of text messages from him. She said she has friends that she's had for 20 years that she doesn't talk to that much.
Howard said he'd advise her to get away from Erik. Shuli said he has. Howard said he gives her another day before she changes her number.
Howard played a clip of Erik talking to Shuli about talking to his friend. Shuli said he did talk to her. Erik asked what she said to him. Shuli told him some of the stuff she said but Erik seemed to be looking for something else. Erik asked if she's coming to his birthday. Shuli said he believes she is. Erik said she's helping him to lose weight. Shuli asked if he has more than friendly feelings for her. Erik said they're just friendly feelings.
Shuli said that this is causing problems between Erik and Joey Boots. He said Joey calls her Yoko and they're having some issues. Shuli said Erik is having this party and he'll be going to it to see what's going on. He said it's out in Pittsburgh. Howard asked why it's out there. Shuli said there is a guy out there who has been booking some of the Wack Pack to do appearances out there.
Howard said Erik needs to find a chick that looks like Donnie Wahlberg. He played a song parody about Erik being gay.
Howard took a call from a woman named Laura who said that she is the friend of Erik who he threatened to kill a few years ago. Laura said this is Erik's routine. She said she was friends with him for years. She said she misses him in a weird way. Howard said don't say that or they'll get back to square one. Howard asked her to describe what she misses about him. Laura said deep down he is a good person. She said when he gets psychotic it's hard. Howard asked how long she's been estranged. Laura said about 3 years ago she met her husband that she has now. She said Erik was harassing her and her husband had to speak to him. She said she hasn't been in contact for about 2 and a half years.
Howard asked if Laura is hot. Shuli said she is. He said sometimes he sees these people and wonders what the fuck happened to them. Howard said he saw this going on in high school. He said there would be slow people and hot chicks take pity on them and they feel good for befriending the outcasts. Howard said he's seen this. He said hot chicks feel good about themselves for being friendly with weirdos. Howard said it's all confusing.
Howard played a clip of Erik calling Laura names. Laura said the good times got really bad and scary. Howard asked if she stayed in a hotel room with him. Laura said they were friends and they did stay in a hotel room. Howard played more audio of Erik yelling at her in a voicemail. Laura said this new girl is going to have a rude awakening. She said she's warning her now because she knows.
Howard asked if there was any sexual contact or anything. Laura said there wasn't. She said it was just a friend thing. Howard said Laura went to law school or something. Laura said she's actually a therapist. Howard said she's not a dummy. Howard said she's smart.
Howard said he was a nothing in high school and there was a really hot chick who hung around a deaf kid. He said he had a speech thing going on and he thinks she leaned sign language. Howard said then you find out he was her good project. Howard said she was already dating college guys and this was her humanity right next to her. Howard said you almost wish you were that guy. Howard played another clip of Erik yelling at Laura. He was bringing up her being a Jew but Howard pointed out that Erik is Jewish too. Howard played a couple more clips of Erik calling her a piece of shit and things like that.
Laura said this is what she's saying. Howard said the answer is to not get involved with Erik. Laura said that Erik contacted her in the past year but her husband told her not to talk to him.
Howard said he has another woman on the phone who says she bought Erik drinks at a bar. Howard got her on the line. Her name was Vanessa. Vanessa said she didn't have this experience. She said Erik was a good time. She said she had him in her Jeep in the city. Laura told her it's all fun and games until she's buying him everything. Howard asked if Vanessa is hot. Vanessa said she's told she looks like Jenny McCarthy. Howard said these hot chicks like to take on projects. Robin asked how Erik asks them to buy him drinks. Howard asked if she feels bad for him and wants to hang out with him. Vanessa said she does feel bad for him. She said he has lots of issues. She said she's a social worker so she wanted to help. Shuli asked if he texts her. She said he does but she has boundaries set up. She said he doesn't threaten to kill her or anything.
Howard played another clip of Erik threatening Laura. He was talking about how he wanted to smash her face into the pavement. He called her a piece of shit.
Howard asked Vanessa if she really looks like Jenny McCarthy. Howard asked how old she is. She said she's 42. Howard said ''Oh'' like he was let down. Howard asked if she's still hot. Vanessa said she can give her information and they can check her out. Gary said Jim McClure told him that he knows a woman who has been taking Erik out to dinner for a year. Howard said he can't get women to talk to him but Erik has a whole network. Howard said he's like Hefner. Shuli said Erik has to walk in sideways into his apartment. He said he has a front door, a wall and a bed and that's it.
Howard played a song parody about Erik from Little Mikey. Laura said that when she wasn't able to do things for Erik he'd go off on her. Shuli said that's usually the way it goes. Robin said she thought this was a serial kind of thing. She said he has things going on all the time apparently. Howard asked if the women would jerk him off or anything like that. Vanessa said no way and that's disgusting. Laura and Vanessa said that Eric has issues with his mom passing away so they talked a lot about her.
Howard said they got pictures of Vanessa. Howard saw them and asked if that's really her. He asked if she's married. Vanessa said she is happily married. Howard asked how old the pictures are. Vanessa didn't know which ones they were. Howard said she's lifting a barbell. Howard asked how old that is. Vanessa said that's 2013. Shuli said ''good for you...'' Howard said he took the words right out of his mouth. Howard said very nice girls. He said be careful out there. Howard let them go after that.
Shuli said Jeff has some regulars too. He said they pay for just about all of his stuff. Howard said this was much more interesting than yesterday's visit from Shuli. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard said Donald is the front runner and he has warned people that his supporters will riot if things get weird. Mitt said that his followers are basically Juggalos without the face paint. Mitt said if things get out of hand they'll lob in canisters of Gary's breath.
Howard brought up John Kasich and asked Mitt about that. Mitt had a joke he fucked up as he was telling it. Howard had him repeat his line.
Howard asked Mitt why he's so opposed to Trump. Mitt said if he was Mormon he could marry that hot daughter he wants to fuck.
Howard asked Mitt why people should vote for him. Mitt said if you elect him he will stop running for President. Howard said that sounds reasonable. Howard asked Mitt if he could put together a campaign at the last minute if things go wrong. Mitt said he can raise funds by fucking Bubba's wife and then suing Gawker.
Howard asked Mitt about Marco Rubio. Mitt said he's working for him now. Howard asked if he's working for his campaign. Mitt said he hired him to trim his hedges. He said he means his public hair when he says his hedges.
Howard asked Mitt what he'll do if he fails to block Trump. Mitt said he will go to soup kitchens and wipe is balls on all the food. Howard said it might be time to wrap this up. He asked Mitt what else he had to say. Mitt said he gave his wife a Cadbury Egg filled with his jizz but his granddaughter ran into the room and ate it before his wife could. Howard let Mitt go a short time later.
Howard said that guy is smart. He figured out that wasn't really Michael Caine. Howard said he considers himself a professional phony phone caller and if you say you don't screen calls that turns people on. Robin said it's like begging people to call.
Howard took a call from Chad in St. Louis. They said their Hey Nows and Howard said that Garry Shandling's death has brought out Judd Apatow as the widow. Howard said that Judd arranged a final basketball game at Garry's house. Howard said that he doesn't follow Judd on Twitter but he thinks he's gone too far. Howard said Judd has tweeted out 8 pictures of himself with Garry Shandling. Howard said he tweeted out one himself but at some point it becomes too much. Howard said he knows Judd is going to freak out when he hears this. Robin asked why you would put out more than one. Howard said he has a couple himself but he's just putting out the one. Gary said that Judd put out 7 of him and Garry but 15 in total.
Howard asked who was at the basketball game. Gary told Howard who they saw there but it was Jason, Will and the guys in the back yelling them out. Howard said it's driving him nuts hearing Gary repeat it. Then Jason started repeating.
Howard said he'd love to hear who Judd turned down to play in that game. Howard said he's fascinated by the post Garry Shandling stuff. Gary had the full list of people who were at the final basketball game. Robin asked if they really played. Howard said he thinks they did.
Howard asked why Judd is so involved. Howard asked if that's too many pictures. Gary said he thinks Garry gave Judd his break when he was really young when he was 22 or so. He said he is very appreciative of him. He said he loved the guy. Howard said if he died Gary would tweet maybe 2 pictures of him. Howard said Judd has put out 8. He said Judd has to calm down.
Chad asked what the max is for the staff if he dies. Howard said if Gary put up 8 of them it would be too much. Chad said you know Gary is going to do that. Howard said he's probably right. Howard said he thinks Judd is the guy in charge now. Robin said you wonder if there are other friends of Garry's who are wondering what the fuck Judd is doing.
Gary said they checked and Judd has put up 2 more so now it's up to 17 pictures. Then he said he was just told it's actually up to 19 and one of them is Garry with the Wu Tang Clan. Howard said he loves Judd but he thinks he's going too far. Howard said now he doesn't even want to post more pictures.
Howard said Judd is going to wear black for a year. He said he heard he's going to stuff Garry and put him in his foyer.
Chad said he's wondering if that's what people will have to do from now on. You have to be the first to post a lot of pictures. Howard said he gets his news from Twitter these days. Howard said in the old days a guy like Judd Apatow would have to call into his show and make a statement about Garry. He said now everyone has their own vehicle. Howard said it's ruined radio shows. Howard said everyone has their own outlet.
Howard asked what Chad had to ask. Chad said Jon Lovitz was in the news. Howard said he's been following the story. He said he was in videos with a young girl and they were setting it up like he was engaged to this girl (Jessica Lowndes). Howard said he felt bad for Jon. Howard said he's not really engaged to her. Howard said they were making it look outrageous. Chad said he's in her music video. Howard said fuck her and Jon doesn't need that. Chad said it seemed kind of creepy. Howard said he's not getting her but if he was, great. Howard said Jon should be able to fuck that girl. He said he has real talent. Howard said he doesn't have to put himself down like that. He said fuck her for implying that he's too old and ugly to get her. Howard said he and Beth have been pulling that prank for 10 years. Howard said she's like ''of course I wouldn't fuck Jon Lovitz.'' Howard asked who she thinks she is. Chad said the video is weird too. Howard said it was all a goof for publicity. Howard said Jon doesn't need to play into that shit. Howard said it gets their names out there but at whose expense? Howard let Chad go after that. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard took a call from a guy who asked what he thinks about the petition to carry guns openly at the republican convention. Howard asked where he stands on guns. The caller said he doesn't think that we should have assault weapons but we should be able to open carry. Howard said he thinks we have the right to defend ourselves with guns. He said that there are marauders out there and he believes that some of these mass killings could have been stopped if someone had a gun. Howard said it's a difficult thing. Howard said if someone comes into a human being's home and you're going to be robbed you don't know what they're going to do to you. Howard said the police can't be there 24/7. Howard said wealthy people have private security and they feel safe. Howard said the average citizen needs the ability to defend himself. Howard said you can't be a sitting duck. Howard said there are people he knows who have guns but don't even know how to fire it. Howard said that's a problem too. Howard said he'd like to see people have to take a test to prove some competency.
Howard said his problem with open carry is that when it's open criminals can grab the weapon from the untrained people. Howard said a police officer knows how to protect the weapon. Howard said the average schmo doesn't know. Howard said he believes we should have the right to have guns. Howard said the problem is that a criminal can get a magazine with 15+1 but a legal citizen can only have a 6+1 in New York. Howard said that's not fair. He said the citizen has to be a good shot.
Howard said in a perfect world you'd like to see no guns. Howard said he'd be thrilled to see that. Howard said people talk about weapons and they think guns are the ultimate. Howard said a baseball bat or a knife can be a weapon. Howard said a gun in a house is the best way to defend yourself.
Robin said the problem is that we live in a society where we are afraid of our fellow man. Robin said we are The Walking Dead. Howard said a car is a weapon too. Howard said you can run it into a crowd of people.
Howard said the open carry thing is confusing for him. He said he believes in the second amendment. He said there are people who don't think there should be a check for mentally ill people. Howard said you should have some sort of waiting period at least. Howard let the caller go and said that he has been a supporter of democrats and many of them want to take away guns.
Howard took a call from a guy who said in the instances of the mass shootings then how do you know who the bad guy or the good guy is. He said if everyone has a gun you won't know. Howard said he's not sure about that. Howard said if someone is starting to shoot up women and children you know that's the bad guy. The caller said he's a police officer and he's brown in color. He said if he pulls his gun out in a theater who is going to know he's the good guy. Howard said if someone starts shooting randomly into a crowd and he pulls his gun and shoots that guy they'll know. Howard said it's not perfect. The caller said that civilians aren't as trained as they are. Howard asked if he wants to take away someone's right to protect his house. The caller said he's not talking about that. It's the stuff in public.
Howard said his uncle was a cop and there was a guy using a hatchet on people. He said his uncle unloaded his gun into this guy and took him down. Howard said if his uncle was in plain clothes and that goes down then what happens.
Gary came in and said Howard keeps saying the same thing over and over. He said they just want to make sure that people have a background check. Howard said that's right. He said Gary knows as well as he does that the criminal mind can get a gun on the black market. Gary said if a guy owns a home and he has a gun no one wants to take that away. Howard said he supports the second amendment. Gary asked if they should be able to have 300 guns. Howard said sure. Gary said that would give him the chance to give other people guns.
Howard and Gary talked about how many guns people should be allowed to have. Howard said he's not sure what the difference is between 2 and 10. Gary asked about ammunition and if the guy should be able to have as much as he wants. Howard said sure. Howard asked how much is too much. Gary said a certain amount might be too much. Robin said Gary is allowed to have as much vinyl as he wants. Gary said that's a ridiculous argument.
Howard said that you have to go to a range and practice. Howard said imagine something like The Walking Dead happens. He said you need a lot of ammunition. Gary said that's a very unique scenario. Howard said he believes in owning as many guns as you want. He said it's us versus the animals. Robin said she believes in it too. Howard said the criminal element has guns.
Howard said if Gary is walking in the mall and a terrorist sees him and wants to put bullets in his head, what is he going to do. Gary said if he had a gun he would shoot him. Howard asked why he's not for that. Gary said he never said he's against it. He said he just thinks there should be limits. Howard kicked Gary out and said he's not sure why he's arguing with Baba Booey. Howard said they might leave Gary alone since he looks like a terrorist. Robin said if someone is a collector then who is she to tell someone how many guns they can have.
Howard took a call from someone who wasn't there. Howard said he only wishes that the Jews in Germany had guns. Howard said it might have stopped something horrible from happening. Howard asked if Robin agrees. Robin said the Jews did need guns. Robin said all other groups that were targeted by Nazis did too. Howard said he's not sure why Gary came in arguing the way he did. Howard asked how many teeth Gary has. He said that's how many bullets they should have. Gary said it's 32. Howard said he loves Baba Booey but what is he going to do?
Howard played more audio of Glenn and a guest talking about how they're ruining the franchise by doing this. Howard said that this is totally misguided. Howard said later in the day Rush Limbaugh was talking about Aquaman. He was joking of course.
Howard said that Glenn was in there and he thinks this is a lot of shtick. Howard said he was also talking about how Ted Cruz was chosen by God. Howard said that has to be shtick. Howard said that's like saying Santa Claus is for Donald Trump. Howard played a clip of Glenn Beck talking about Ted Cruz and how he's prayed for him and he thinks he was anointed for this role. Howard said maybe there's a gas leak in his studio or something.
Howard said a lot of the religious nuts are getting out there. Howard said JD found a clip of a guy talking to a prophet and the prophet endorsed Trump. Howard played a clip of this guy talking about going to this prophet and the guy told him that god favored Donald Trump. He claims he said that several times. He also said that Trump is America's last hope. Howard said the holy folks are really getting out there.
Robin asked if they can get that guy to replace Riley. Howard said he heard that Eron has been talking about how much they're selling Riley's piss jugs and things like that.
Howard said Bill Maher was ragging on him. He said Bill claims he doesn't hear people talking about him as much as they did when he was on terrestrial radio. Howard said this is coming from a guy who has a .3 rating. Howard said he started with 400,000 subscribers and now they're up to 30 million. Howard said Bill gets a .3 share. He said it may not be anybody. Howard said that the biggest political show on HBO is John Oliver. Howard said he's hy-fuckin-sterical.
Howard played a clip of Bill Maher answering a question about Howard and saying that he's not water cooler conversation anymore. Howard said he changed the whole fucking industry. Howard said Bill went to HBO and no one followed. Howard said he went to a new broadcast medium and millions followed. Howard said Bill is nothing. Bill said he never hears anyone asking ''Did you hear what Howard said?'' Howard said Bill went from ABC to HBO and now he has a .3 share. Howard said don't get carried away with yourself. Howard said just talk about the Playboy playmate that he dropped off in front of a hospital. Howard said he should drop off every date he has there. He said imagine going out with that Cabbage faced guy.
Howard played a bit with a fake Bill Maher in it. Howard said he used to have Bill on the show and he tried a couple of years ago to patch things up but he demanded that he go on his show. Howard said politics isn't his thing so he doesn't want to do that. Howard said he'll take being irrelevant. He's happy being that way with 30 million subscribers.
Howard asked Memet how his sex life is. Memet said he's not going out right now. He said there is no sex life. Howard asked why that is. Memet said he gets in moods where he doesn't feel like leaving his apartment. He said that's what he's doing now. He said it's not a bad life. He said he enjoys it.
Howard got a note saying Memet plays video games all day. He didn't know what games he played. Howard said that he's also on a diet and wants abs by summer. Howard said he wants a six pack. Robin said he has to get out of that apartment then. Robin asked where he'll show off that six pack.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she has turned her on to so many people over the years. She said that she wasn't a fan of James Taylor but she heard his story and she loves him. She said Lady Gaga on the piano is amazing too. She said Howard is the best interviewer ever. Howard thanked her for that. Howard said he wasn't sure where she was going with that. Howard said he has turned her on to a lot of people. They went to break a short time later. They played a Beetlejuice sings Marvin Gaye bit as they were going to break.
Howard came back and said George Lopez is there. He said he hasn't seen him in a long time. George said he thinks it's been two years. Howard asked George if he saves up the appearances for when he has something to promote. George said this show is the best for talking to Howard about stuff. He said he's been a fan for a long time.
Howard said George writes his own material. He said he has never hired a team to write his jokes. George said he still picks at it. He said that he prefers to do it himself. Howard said it's a constant job for him. George said it's the only job he likes to do and has done consistently. He said it's like playing golf. He said you can do that yourself too. Howard said that's what's nice about stand up comedy. Howard said there is no censor or someone telling you what not to talk about. Howard said George is the boss. George said he's been doing it so long. He said now you don't have to leave your house to become famous. He said you can light yourself on fire and put it on the internet.
Howard asked George about how he had to pay his dues to make it. Howard said he was coming up and he had it tough. George said even now it's tough. He said Donald Trump is calling them rapists now. He said it's still tough. Howard said he saw him on Funny or Die and he was playing Donald Trumpez. George said he did the exact same words that Trump has said but did them in Spanish.
Howard said he saw that George and some people had a rally against Trump. George said any show they do they turn into a trump rally. He said that they call it FTP or Fuck That Puto. Howard asked if he's ever met him. George said he has. He said he played golf at Trump's course in Bedminster. He said that he is a big dude. He said he's bigger than you think. He said he has child bearing hips and big tits.
Howard said George has talked about how being Mexican he is actually trying to build America. Howard said George had a line about Mexicans buying 3000 pounds of fertilizer. George said that he said no one is going to stop a Mexican from buying fertilizer so they'd make great terrorists.
Howard asked George about the different factions of Hispanic people. George said that they can all agree they don't like El Salvadorians.
Howard asked George about Rubio and Cruz. George said that if they had these immigration laws they're talking about their parents wouldn't have been able to come to this country. George said they can all go to these markets and stuff but if all of the Mexicans left you wouldn't see a blueberry again for years.
Howard asked George about his parents. George said he didn't know his dad. He said his mom had dementia. He said his grandmother had it too so he may end up with it. He said that's why he talks so much shit in there. George said he took his grandmother to the doctor and he told her she had dementia. George said that he was told she would start forgetting stuff. He said his grandmother told the doctor that she can't wait to start forgetting people. Howard said she was happy to have Alzheimers. Howard said that's when you know you're from a fucked up family. George said he has no affiliation with any blood relatives now.
George said that his grandmother raised him and she wasn't able to experience joy. He said you start to get that too when you're raised by someone like that. George said he might not have the most people around him but he likes that. He said he spends a lot of time at home. Howard asked if he's getting laid at all. George said no. He said he saw Howard listening to that masturbating clip earlier and he had joy on his face.
Howard said it's great when pussy doesn't rule your life. Howard said George just wants to be alone. George said if a woman is strong and independent then the Hispanic community thinks they're gay. He said if he meets someone his age and she tells him she has grand kids. George said he's about to turn 55 and she was around his age.
Howard said George has a new TV show and in one scene he's hitting on a woman who doesn't know who he is. Howard asked if he has to play that game. George said he doesn't have to do that so much now but it has happened.
Howard asked George if he was friends with Garry Shandling. George said he met him in 1979. He said he was writing on shows back then. Howard said in 1979 Shandling had just moved to L.A. and he was writing for Redd Foxx and other people. He said he had a car accident and he decided to be a stand up. Howard said he killed it within a short amount of time. George said that he did a character named Eddie Landers and that eventually became Larry Sanders. George said Garry asked him how he was enjoying his career and he said he was loving it and Garry just said ''Mother fuck...'' and walked away. He said he couldn't believe that he was enjoying it.
Howard asked George if he hated working on a sitcom. George said he loved it. Howard said Garry and Jerry Seinfeld talked about how they felt they had to hate it. Howard said they thought it should be torture to make it great. George said he thinks that Shandling was Jewish based on his neurosis. George said two Jews fighting is the best for him. He said he loved that Howard went off on Bill Maher.
Howard asked George if he's a Hillary or Bernie supporter. George said he supported Bernie but he just wants everyone to get out and vote. Howard said some people do vote irresponsibly.
Howard asked George about 1979 and how he got to know Shandling. Howard asked if Seinfeld was coming up too. George said Howie Mandel was coming up too. He said Letterman was there. Howard asked if he was good at stand up. George said Dave hated being on stage. Howard said he was pretty good at it though. George said he was. He said Jay Leno was a very good comedian until he got the Tonight Show. Howard said he agrees with him on that. He said he was fucking incredible. George said then he got the show and back stabbed and went that way.
Howard asked George if he stayed in touch with Letterman when he made it. George said hell no. He said he just knew them. Howard asked who his bros were. George said Drew Carey and people like that. Howard said he must want to hang out with other comedians. George said that he didn't. He said you want to keep your distance from those guys. He said if you make it the perks are great.
Howard said it sounds like a very lonely business. George said it is for some. Robin asked who his friends are. George said there aren't many. Howard asked if he's a victim of his circumstance. Howard said he didn't have a mother. George said when he was 12 he was learning to play guitar and jacking off. He said it's the same today. He said one time when he was married he and some other guys were in Aspen and John Mendoza asked if anyone wanted to go to McDonald's because he was going to go there, jack off and get ready to do the show. George said he was going to do the same thing. He said he was jacking off and his wife caught him. Howard said he does it like it's top secret. Howard said he thinks that even if someone is away for a week he thinks they can come back at any time. Howard said when it's over you feel disgusted with yourself. George said when you're married you take a Viagra or something. He said your neck ends up throbbing from that. He said he got into a fight with his wife and he was trying to fall asleep with this rod. He said that it's heavy duty stuff. Howard said he's never tried that. George said it's dangerous.
George said he's on tour in this Comedy Get Down. He said that people complained when they called it the Black and Brown tour. He said Mexicans were complaining about how he was the only Mexican on the tour. He said he tells them that you hire one to do the job of 4. George said they never start on time because the audience doesn't show up on time.
Howard asked George if he's still in touch with Sandra Bullock because she was his savior when she helped him get a show. Howard said that she discovered George and produced his George Lopez show that was on for 6 seasons. George said he's not in touch with her so much these days. He said that she's got a lot going on in her life. George said that she saw his act and wanted to see what he has in there. He said she came to the Improv in Brea to see him. He said that she drove an hour and a half to see him do his act.
Howard asked if he was aware she was there. George said he was. He said she lives in Austin and she came to see Chappelle the weekend before. George said he was praying that she wouldn't come in and see him the night he was drunk. He said she came in and it was pretty amazing. George said he was working at Powers Aviation and he was doing all of these videos and books and he worked shipping his books. George said that he tried to use real guys in his TV show.
Howard asked if it was a horrible time in his life censorship wise. Howard said it must have been tough doing a show back then. George said it was 2002 to 2007. He said they had a standards and practices guy there and they'd put a case of beer in there and he'd let all kinds of things go by because he was drinking. George said it was great. He said he'd just eat shrimp and pound Amstel Lights.
Howard asked George if it's great to get your own show. George said it is great but then people hate on you more. He said it's 24/7 hate. Howard said it seems like everyone, even their friends, say that they sold out. George said he's been George Lopez in everything he's done so he doesn't play characters. He said it's more painful because they're hating on him. He said they just fucking hate you.
Howard asked George if he is nervous about doing a sitcom when you don't have any acting experience. George said they had real actors in there and he was reading with one of the guys and he was horrible. George said he was awful. He said the two guys looked at him and said ''Oh shit'' and knew he couldn't act. He said he had to get a coach and she stayed with him the whole run of the show. Howard asked what the acting coach taught him. George said you have to listen. He said that's what he learned. Howard asked if they were going to replace him. George said he had the kidney problem from 04 to 07 so he was in trouble. He said he was dying. Howard asked what he did when he didn't remember his lines. George said he just muscled through it. Howard asked if he had cue cards. George said he did. He said he'd write them inside a cup.
Howard said George does a stand up act for an hour so he has to remember that. George said it's more free form though. Howard asked about writing and how he gets into the act. George said that you slide it in. He said that he does a lot of Trump stuff. He said he talks about building tunnels into the country when the wall is built. He said that only Mexican's can build a tunnel with recessed lighting and motorcycles.
Howard said George was doing well and then the money starts rolling in. Howard said his fees must have shot up. George said they did. Howard asked who the best comic he knew that never made it. George said Dana Carvey was amazing in 1987. He said he did all of that stuff he did on Saturday Night Live. Howard asked if he auditioned for Saturday Night Live. George asked if he's kidding. He said that they've never had a Hispanic on the show. Howard said he could have broken through on Saturday Night Live. George said no way. George said he did a DNA test and he found out he's 4 percent black. He said Trump is 30 percent. He said they tested him on his show. He said he didn't want that out on the show. He said Trump does have an ass like a black guy.
Howard said George has had a lot of good gigs. He said he had that talk show. George said that he had fun doing that. He said it was really good. Howard asked if it breaks his heart that he doesn't have it. George said he had it taken away because they just didn't get it. He said the Conan thing happened too but he's not mad at Conan. He said no offense but going to talk to people every day is not how he wanted to spend his life.
Howard said George was close to Bill Cosby too. George said he wasn't close but he did pass him the Jazz Festival. Howard said Bill Cosby was always at the Playboy Jazz Festival. Robin said he was at everything Playboy. Howard said they should have known something was up. George said it was probably one of the worst kept secrets. George said he got a call from Cosby once and he was asked to call him at 4:30 one day about 4 years ago. He said Bill told him how to do the show. He said if you meet a lady don't bring her back stage, just put her in the audience. He said none if it had to do with Jazz.
Howard asked if George is a jazz fan. George said he is a fan of music. Howard asked George about getting that passed on to him and why he was able to do it. George said it's his call. He said the call was about 45 minutes long and 5 minutes was about jazz and the rest was about eating ass... allegedly.
George said that Howard and Beth have him on their Christmas list and he gets cat books. He said it's all on the level. Howard said when Bill Cosby hands him the jazz festival he's talking to him about where to get ass. George said he met a girl in DC once and she danced for him. He said she was in pink lingerie and she's spinning around and she hits her head on the armoire and knocks herself out. He said he had to call the hotel to tell them. George said one time this girl was taking that FenFen stuff and that stuff killed people. He said it choked your heart. He said this girl was on it and she was having a heart attack because of it. He said they come in and they ask what her name is. He said he didn't know her name. Howard said there has to be something going through his head about getting out of that room. George said the next day he went to see her and she had mascara all over her eyes and glitter all over her.
George said he was in a hotel in DC once and a cop car pulls into the hotel and at the same time someone knocks on the door. He said that it was room service. He said that one of his friends throws the weed over the balcony and the weed is on top of the cop car down below. He said they drove off with it on the roof.
Howard said George isn't out looking for girls. He said he just jerks off and gets it out of the way. George said it doesn't sound so creepy when he describes it. George said he has two dogs he rescued and they don't even come to him. He said he has a woman who is watching them and he might let her keep them because they're having a great life. George said that they must sense the disconnection.
George said when he was married he would come to the house and the dogs would see him and just stop. He said they were like ''Ugh'' when they saw him. Howard said he thinks that he suffers because his mom and dad didn't love him and his grandmother didn't. George said it's too late for him. He said that he never learned all of that.
Howard asked George if he ever had anyone ask him how he was doing. George said he never did. He said he had a guy come up to him and tell him he was a fan of his. He said he was out playing golf and the guy tells him it's all okay and he makes him cry. Then he asks for a hug and makes him cry more.
Howard asked George if there is no group he can bond with. George said there is no group he bonds with. George said he got sober on his own but sometimes he drifts off. He said that it's a companion. He said he tries not to have one but if he does it might have 10. He said it's like a friend. He said he won't go to rehab though. He said he just waits it out. He said he can go months or weeks without it. He said it's tough being on tour because the guys all drink. He said he can't just have 2.
Howard said that George does a lot of animated stuff too. He was on the Smurfs and some other things. George said Cheech lost out to him. He said it's fun. He said he's done a little bit of everything.
Howard said George has a new show called ''Lopez'' and it's on tomorrow night on TVLand. George said they leave them alone and they're letting them do their stuff. He said they're trying to change their image a little bit. George said he's writing it with the guys who wrote Silicon Valley. Howard said George didn't make it with his last show. George said they told him that if they got to 10 they'd give him 90 episodes. He said that this one they're not so concerned with. George said that he likes this show for a few years. He said he thinks people will like it.
Howard asked how many episodes they shot. George said they did 12. George said people think when you have money they don't have problems. He said that's not true.
George said he set his house alarm one day and he gets in and forgets the number. He said he punches the numbers and then the cops show up. He said they asked how long he lived there. He said it was about a year and one guy asks for an ID. He said he has a mailing address on it and it's not the house address. George said that he was asked if he had anything else in there with the house address. George said he had nothing that says a Mexican lives there.
Howard asked if he can have a Mexican working there and not have them get mad at him. George said he had some trees on his property that weren't trimmed. George said that he had the guys take them down. He said his neighbor came over and complained about him taking them down because of his privacy. George said that he told the guy that if he complained more he'd have a Mexican in every branch with chain saws. He said that guy went and got like 10 ficus to plant.
Howard said George can't even get along with his neighbors. George said that he has a neighbor who has a wife who won't shut the fuck up. He said they walk at 6 in the morning and she's talking like it's 3 in the afternoon.
Howard asked if George is worried about the ratings. George said he's not. Howard said he must have money saved up. George said he does. Howard said he has fuck you money.
Howard asked what kind of music he's listening to. George said he likes Springsteen. He said he took Eddie Van Halen to a concert. He said that guy is great. He said he's a great guy. Howard asked how he knows him. George said he knows him from his talk show. He said Eddie sent him a guitar and they became friends. George said he picked Eddie up at his house but he hasn't played for him yet. He said the 5150 studio is right there so you see it. He said it was great to see him in public because no one ever sees him. Howard asked if the fans bugged them. George said it wasn't bad. He said that he and Arsenio went to a game on opening day and Arsenio spills a drink on the court. He said everything stops. He said they had like 5 towels so it looked like a crime scene.
Howard asked what Arsenio is up to. George said he's out doing stand up. Howard asked if he has a girlfriend. George said he doesn't know. Howard asked what happened between him and Eddie Murphy. George said he thinks he's still friendly with him.
Howard started to wrap up with George. He gave him some plugs for the TV show. Howard asked if he's in any movies. George said he's in Meet the Blacks. He said he plays the President of the United States in that. They went to break a short time later. As they were going to break they played a medley of songs that Elvis Costello performed in the Howard Stern Show studio.
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Howard said he loves this song by Disturbed which was a cover of The Sounds of Silence. Howard said this guy was doing a heavy metal show somewhere and he yelled at a woman for texting during his show. Howard played the clip and said it's the lead singer (David Draiman) of Disturbed going off on this woman for texting. In the clip the guy asked what's so important that she has to be texting the whole show. Howard said he's done that but he was sending his daughter a clip from a Billy Joel clip. He said he was just being a good dad. Robin said he was not. Howard said of course he was.
Howard said he and Robin are going to go to a Disturbed concert and bring a big computer with them to text from. Howard said his mom lectured him the same way this guy was lecturing this woman. Howard played more of the clip of the guy going off on the woman telling her how rude it is. Howard repeated what he was saying in his mother's voice.
Robin said there is a new virtual reality headset called Oculus Rift and you can watch porn on it. Robin wondered if you feel like you're in the porno. Howard said Google has a 360 camera that lets you move the camera to any point of view. Howard said you can move around the whole room. Robin said that's not new. Howard said it's new to him. Robin said it doesn't sound that new to her. Howard asked if anyone knows what this thing is like. Gary said Jason has used it. Jason came in and said you will feel like you're in the porno. He said he'd done it for a concert. He said you feel like you're there. Jason said you can be on stage and look at the guitarist or the bassist. He said you're totally submerged. Howard asked if the games are like that too. Jason said it is. He said you can turn your whole body and be in the game. He said he used it for a Batman game and it scared the crap out of him. He said there was a monster behind him and it scared him. Howard asked if you stand when you play. Jason said it's cool because the whole world goes away. He said it freaks your brain out. He said you know you're not falling but you think you are.
Robin asked if Howard would look into that. Howard said he might use it for porn. Howard said sometimes they show too much vagina so maybe he can move his head where he has a good view. Howard said when it comes to porn he understands it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's not sure people are ready for that kind of reality. Howard said if you want to see people fucking in 3D just go into the subway and you'll see it. The caller said he read that Howard might be guest hosting the Jimmy Kimmel show. Howard said there is no truth to that. He doesn't want to do it.
Robin asked if Howard has heard of video vigilantes. Howard said he hasn't. Robin said there's a prostitute who was caught by a drone doing something to a man in an alley. Howard asked who they were hurting. Robin said it is a prostitute so it's illegal. Howard said that's the kind of vigilante he could be. He said he's watching Daredevil and he was up at 2 in the morning watching it. Howard said he's up to episode 6 already and he knows it's going to end soon. Howard said the guy who is great on it is the guy from The Walking Dead who died. Gary said he's Jon Bernthal. Howard said he's real good in it. Howard said there's a hot chick playing Electra too. Howard said she's insanely hot. Howard said he's never seen anything like this. Robin said she's only up to like episode 2. Howard said she doesn't love it like he does. Howard asked if Robin saw The Walking Dead. Robin said she did. Howard asked Fred if he watches. Fred said he doesn't. He said he might binge watch it. Howard said he can see why a girl might not like it but a guy should. Robin asked if he watched Breaking Bad. Fred said he did but he started about 2 years late. Howard said he thinks it might be weirder than changing his name that Fred doesn't watch The Walking Dead. He did a live commercial read after that.
Howard talked about the caller who brought up the Kimmel show thing. Howard said he's not sure why that's a thing. He said he has no reason to do something like that. He said maybe Benjy can fill in for Jimmy. That led to Howard and Fred doing their impressions of Benjy for a short time.
Robin read about the bouncy house story she had yesterday and they say that 2 people were arrested on suspicion of manslaughter with negligence. Howard said that they didn't have a bikini girl on page 2 of the NY Post today. He said they had a bird instead. Robin said that doesn't seem right.
Robin said they are trying to crack down on people who entertain in Times Square so they're having a meeting on Wednesday about that. Robin said these people pose for pictures with you and demand tips when they do. Robin said they say that Spider-Man has gotten out of hand a few times in the last couple of weeks. Robin said they want to cut Times Square into sections. Robin had a clip of someone explaining that.
Howard took a call from Tommy from Malden who said they need to stop making memorials at sites of tragedies. He said they're doing that in Brussels. Howard said he's so frustrated with terrorism and you do wonder if that's the right response. Tommy said they should give the money to the victims or something. Howard said it is sort of sweet when they put up a memorial on the side of the road for an accident or something. Tommy said it's annoying when people feel they have to do that stuff. He said it's stupid. Howard said he grieves in an appropriate manner.
Howard said he has to go. Tommy asked if he saw the story about Aaron Rogers talking about jerking off before a game. Howard said he likes that kind of honesty. Howard let Tommy go after that.
Robin said they hacked the iPhone. Robin said the FBI was able to finally do something. Howard said he thinks Apple said to them with a wink that they could let them in. Howard said Apple should let them see what's going on. He said they can't because of this bullshit. Robin said they pulled their legal action from court and said they no longer require Apple's help. Robin said they had someone who figured out how to break into the phone they were trying to get into.
Robin read a story about a hijacking of a plane in Egypt. Robin said it was forced to land in Cypress and they're saying the hijacking is over and a suspect is under arrest. Robin said the hijacker claimed to be wearing a belt with explosives. Robin said there were 60 passengers and crew on the flight.
Howard took a call from Bobo who asked when Matthew Berry became a spokesperson for the show. Gary said he was on the Wrap Up Show yesterday talking about Bobo. Howard had a clip of Matt talking about how much he hates Bobo. Howard said he doesn't get the massive amount of hate toward Bobo. He said he must be wrong about Bobo. Fred said he thinks he's an easy target. He said Bobo is harmless. He said Bobo is just Bobo. Bobo said he has never taught anyone to hate. He said Matt has hate toward him and he has to respect him for being with the show as long as he has and being consistent. Robin said it's a way to rile Bobo up. Howard asked Bobo what 6x8 is. Bobo knew the answer. He also learned there are 26 letters in the alphabet.
Robin read a story about Michael Rapaport being tapped to be in the new Woody Allen TV series that will air on Amazon. Howard said he got some hate mail about Michael. He read that and the person said Michael is so untalented. Howard said this guy does not like Michael. Howard said he thinks he's a real good actor though. Howard said everyone is angry.
Robin read that Janice Dickinson has breast cancer. Robin said doctors found a pea sized lump in her breast. Robin said she has early stage ductile carcinoma. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Melissa Etheridge talking about how their first choice for their baby was Brad Pitt. Robin said that Melissa said they decided not to go with him because he really wanted children and they didn't want a third parent for their child. Robin said that David Crosby ended up fathering Melissa's children.
Robin said William Shatner is being sued by a guy who claims to be his son and he's suing for $170 million. Robin said the man's mother gave him up for adoption. Robin said the guy is a radio guy and he started broadcasting as Peter Shatner. Robin said Shatner's people sent him a letter to cease and desist. Robin said Shatner says he's not his father and they want him to leave him alone.
Robin read a story about police looking for someone who assaulted a transgender woman. Robin read the details about that story.
Robin read a story about how they're making it mandatory to get anesthesia in Utah to get an abortion at 20 weeks because they feel the fetus can feel pain. Robin said the anesthesia can harm the mother too but the law is on the books now. Howard said they're making it more and more difficult to get an abortion. Robin said they're going to make it too hard to get one.
Robin read a story about a law in North Carolina that says you have to use bathroom facilities that match your birth certificate.
Robin read a story about how a man was shot at the Capital building in Washington DC. Robin said the man called himself a prophet.
Robin said that Mother Angelica passed away and she started the catholic TV network. Howard said it was more of a syndication thing. Robin said they say it brings programming to more than 100 countries. Robin said she started the network in 1981. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the investigation of Garry Shandling's death and how they say it's not a suspicious death but his doctor hadn't seen him in over a year.
Robin read a story about drug use and how researchers found religious non believers are more likely to use cocaine and LSD.
Robin read a story about Avici saying that this year will be his final year of touring. Robin said he says he wants to be a normal person. Robin had some of his music to play. Howard said that's a weird announcement to make. He said if you want to live a normal lifestyle then just go do it. He said you don't announce it.
Robin had Howard play a clip of Keifer Sutherland singing a song. Robin said that's been 2 years in the works. Howard said he's been waiting for that. Fred played some clips of Keifer saying the N-Word and other things. Howard said he had to explain that. He said you can't just play it. Fred said he just did. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:55am.
Jon said they should talk about a bunch of stuff today. He said Gary took some flak today about debating Howard on the gun issue. He said he's not sure if Howard wasn't hearing him or what. Gary said he was just asking questions. He said he wasn't looking to take away guns. He said Howard wasn't open to hearing his discussion. Gary said he was kind of surprised. Gary said Howard had a ridiculous argument about the Walking Dead and Robin used the vinyl argument.
Jon took a call from a guy who said when Gary starts and argument with not knowing much about it and then saying he's got an opinion it doesn't work. Gary said he was asking questions. He said he wasn't saying don't do this or that. The caller said he likes going to the range often and ammunition is expensive so if he finds a deal so he can shoot a lot he's going to do that. Gary said if he has to pay more for ammunition to keep the world safe he's fine with that. Gary said he really got upset when Howard was arguing with the caller about everyone in a movie theater having a gun and stopping one man from shooting people.
Jon said Howard took a call from someone who said that he was getting better about clearing his throat. Gary said that made him want to clear his throat. Brian said he felt for Gary during that segment. Gary asked if singers have to do that. Nikki said she hates thinking about it. Gary said if Howard has beat the shit out of him for clearing his throat he's going to be thinking about it on his way to work. He said he just thinks it's the way the brain works.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Howard was talking about going to the Steve Martin play and he wonders if Howard would have gotten invited to the Garry Shandling basketball event. Gary asked if he was talking about the game that everyone went to after Garry died. The caller said that must have been it. Gary said that was for people who were part of the weekly game.
Jon asked what he thinks about the Judd Apatow stuff. Gary said he gets why he's so into Garry but if he put up that many pictures people might wonder if they had something going on. Brian said he did think it was weird. Nikki said she thought it was weird at first but it's his account and you don't have to follow him. Gary said if anyone has the right to do it it's Judd. He said it's not someone who just rubbed up against him once. They went to break a short time later.
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Jon took a call from a guy who said he was one of the guys watching the channel 9 show at 13. He said he's a Silversun Pickups fan too. He said he's amazed at how good Erik is at sponging off people. He said he can't understand how people are bowled over by him. He said that he gets people to pay for stuff. Gary said if you're a superfan of the show High Pitch Erik is a big part of the show. Gary said if you love a show even someone like that is a big deal to you. He said that it might be some entrée to the show. He said it's like taking the bearded lady to dinner. Gary said he has a friend who paid his cable bill for a couple of months. He said his friend makes a good living and he's a very generous person. He said Erik read him the sob story and his friend helped him out. He said after the second month he thought it was ridiculous.
Jon said these people aren't idiots falling for it either. He said Erik is very good at milking people and getting them to take him out. Jon said he's not sure how he does it with these women though. Gary said that some women do have that feeling like they want to help a guy out like that.
Brian said he listens to the show most of the time on ear buds. He said it's tough to listen to him when he's right there in your ears. Gary said he has a resonance that gets to you.
Jon asked Brian which Wack Packer is his favorite. He said he really liked Crackhead Bob but Beetlejuice will always be number 1. Gary said Riley is so great too. Brian said he forgot he was even a Wack Packer. Jon said that there are plenty to choose from. They spent a minute talking about Tan Mom and how she has to be in the Wack Pack. Gary said she just left a voicemail for ''Lemet'' where she's masturbating so of course she is Wack Pack. They spent some time talking about how great Sour Shoes is too.
Jon said Jeff the Drunk also called in today and he was saying that Bubba lied about how he asked to come on his show. Jon said Shuli had a different story though. They went to break a short time later.
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Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks George is a little racist himself. He talked about how we're paying for the illegals coming into this country and he's taking it like we're racist against Mexicans. Gary asked why it's only Mexicans. Gary asked if there are other people he's irritated with as well. The caller said it's an insecure border. Gary said he's said this before. He said anyone who says we want all of the Mexicans out of the country because they won't believe how much work won't be done. He said the illegals do the work we don't want to do but they don't look at that. Gary said he thinks George's stuff is pretty tongue in cheek.
Jon said they had the Billy Maher thing today too. Gary said he doesn't think Bill was ever much of a fan. He said he never got that feeling. He said he was a good guest though. He said he doesn't think he ever forgave Howard for what he said about him after 9/11. Brian said that Bill attacked Howard and he knows it. He said that everyone talks about Howard. He said he still gets in the news with his interviews. Gary said at any given moment there are 10 times as many people listening to Howard than are watching Bill's show. Gary said he watches some of his show but he fast forwards through a lot of it. He said that was just Bill's sour grapes.
Jon asked if Brian and Nikki bond with other musicians over Howard. Brian said they're with a band from England who even know Howard. He said it's rare when they meet someone who doesn't know the show.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that they made a point that was so ridiculous that it's not even funny. He said it's not fair to pay any human being that's not a likeable rate. Gary said he agrees with that. He said that it's a two way street and that's what he was trying to say. The caller said if the Mexican government had a rate that made it livable down there then maybe they wouldn't leave. Gary said it's great on paper but if you're trying to be fair to everyone they call that being a socialist.
Jon said that George told a story about how they got away with stuff at ABC with the standards and practices guy because they got him drunk. Gary said that's a tough job. He said you have to not give a shit what the people at work think. Gary said you have to tell people stuff they don't want to hear. He said he could never do that job.
Jon said George likes doing stand up over acting. He said that he had to get an acting coach to do his sitcom though. Brian said he loves that he just plays George Lopez in every show he does. He said he was shocked when he found out that Sandra Bullock was involved in his TV show.
Jon got in some plugs for today's Sternthology and wrapped up the show. They were done around 11:40am.
Howard started the show talking about how he has a jazz version of ''The Great American Nightmare.'' They played Robin singing the song. Howard said she won't stop. He said he's trying to talk. He said she just threw her bra on him. He said that's not horrible. Howard said people were writing in about Robin singing that song and they like it. He said sometimes she can be controversial but they liked that. Howard said she got a letter of praise. Fred said that might be from a couple of days ago. Howard said they like that she annunciates the words.
Howard played a version of the song that James Cargil did. That was the jazz version he was talking about. Howard asked Robin how she likes that. Robin just laughed.
Howard said there's a big event at Radio City Music Hall and Mad Dog Russo and his old partner Mike are going to do a show together. Howard asked if there's a big demand for them to get back together. Robin said it's like the Beatles getting back together.
Howard took a call from a guy who said when Howard isn't imitating his mother and father who does he feel he takes after most. Howard thought about it and said he thinks at this point in his life he has found his own voice and identity. Robin said that would be wrong. Howard said he doesn't sit there thinking about which one he aligns himself with. Robin said Howard won't leave his house and his parents have convinced him that the world is a scary place. Howard said they obviously traumatized him. Howard said even Robin who got fingered by her own father was read to once in a while. Howard said he thinks it's both of his parents who are in his head equally. Robin said when he's yelling he sounds like his father. Howard said his mother is the same way though.
Howard did an impression of his mother telling him stories about her childhood and how scary it was. He had his father talking about stuff he had in his life too. Howard said he's only 3 years old so lighten up. Howard said his mother was pained. He said it all escalated into everything. The caller said his mother did the same thing.
Howard said he had a hot chick in his bedroom once in high school. He said he was trying to have fun with some friends and tacked to his mirror was a note saying ''T-shirt on bed you'll be punished.'' Howard said it pained her. He said he remembers being humiliated in front of this girl. He said there's a letter with that on it and he's completely emasculated. Howard said he was constantly told to turn the lights off too.
Howard did more of his mother and father voices. He had them telling more awful stories from their childhood. Howard had his mother talking about how she was sent to live with relatives in Ohio. His dad was complaining about how he had two left shoes. Howard said that was the dinner conversation. He said his head is full of this mumbo jumbo. Howard said here is no joy. He said George Lopez was talking about how he has emotional problems like this too. Howard said it's crazy.
Howard had his mom talking about how she didn't have ''what for'' and then she talked about his grandfather getting married again and they were out again. Howard said they had no toys either. Howard said the step mother was nice to his mom but then his grandfather fucked that up again. Howard said she ended up not coming home and dying and they didn't do an autopsy.
The caller asked if that's a Jewish thing. Howard said people didn't talk to their children. Howard said no one ever talked to him to even ask how he was. Howard said they didn't say good morning. Howard said there was no interchange. Howard said wild animals have it better. He said they're taught how to survive. Howard said he has no ability to talk to adults. He said he never turned to them. He said they were always the enemy. Howard did more of his mother's voice talking about how they made tampons out of wood. Howard said he shakes before he goes to bed every night. He said that's how he goes to sleep.
The caller asked if he ever thinks he sounds like his mother. Howard asked what he means in his mother's voice. Howard talked about the stories his dad told him about growing up and how tough it was. Howard asked who would step outside with these stories. Howard said he was like Pinocchio. Howard said the whole thing is nuts. He said he's lucky he can function. The caller said it all worked out. Howard said he's doing just fine.
The caller asked how Howard handled his dog and if he let her sleep on the bed. Howard said he can't handle it. He said it did sleep on the bed once in a while. Howard said that it's very hard for him but he does let some of the animals on the bed. He said Leon sleeps near him but it's tough. He said he's a defective human being. He said it's hard for him to be loving.
Howard said he loves Fred. He said he's trying. Howard said Richard lets his guinea pig sleep in the bed but the thing shits in the bed. Howard said he can't imagine. Howard said Richard is deranged. He said he's the opposite of him. Howard said he is trying to overthrow his emotions. He said he's emerging as himself.
Robin asked who Howard would be. Howard said he could be a smiling guy who is happy running through a field. Howard said for all he knows he could be Caitlyn Jenner. Howard said his tits are really big. He said he went too big. He said he's only up to episode 2. Robin said she's up to date on it. Howard said Caitlyn made his tits too big. Robin said he is a big girl. Howard said he is a gigantic woman. He said it makes Robin look flat chested. Howard said he looks like a linebacker with tits. Howard said it's just too big. Howard said with the tits anyone can look like a girl. He said you can kind of get away with it if you have tits. Howard said it gives you pause. Howard said Benjy has great tits for a guy. He said he's natural. He said he has the nicest little titties. Howard said he has nice nips except for the hair and blotches.
Gary said he thought about Wendy Williams when he saw them. Howard said Wendy went way big too. Howard said they are some big titties. Gary said they look more normal on her than on Caitlyn. Howard said you have to keep that in check.
Howard said he was watching the Caitlyn Jenner thing and he wishes he was allowed in the Olympics again so he could knock himself out with those huge tits. Robin said she did ride a horse like that.
Howard played a Caitlyn song parody of Ozzy's song ''Changes'' with fake Caitlyn Jenner singing it. Howard said that horseback riding thing can't be good for the fake vagina.
Howard said he is working on himself. He said Bianca used to sleep with them. He said it was hard. He said you do it because you love your dog. Howard said he prays that some day he'll have animals shitting in his bed like Richard does. Howard said he hopes he can be made well enough that he doesn't care.
Howard said this clip is of a girl masturbating and coughing. Howard played the clip and the girl is coughing pretty hard and masturbating. Howard said in another clip this girl is using a vibrator and coughing. Howard played that and laughed when he heard her coughing. Howard said it sounds like Gary shaving. Howard said this is a legitimate form of porn. He said they make money with that. Howard said it's a whole thing. Howard said they must be out of categories for porn.
Howard said he has a another one where there are two girls who are coughing and masturbating. The girls were talking about how great it is that they can't breathe. Howard and the guys sounded pained when they heard the girls coughing. Howard said he bets Sal likes this kind of stuff. Fred played a clip of Jeff the Drunk coughing. Howard asked if Sal is getting off on this. Sal came in and said he draws the line at this stuff. Howard asked if he's into the brother/sister paralysis porn. Sal said he's not into that either. Howard said the girl is hot and all you see is a dick and a pair of feet. Howard said it's not really her brother. Howard said if it's really her brother he can't jerk off.
Howard played a clip of the brother and sister thing. In that the guy is paralyzed and the sister is talking about that and then she helps him out with his dick. She said she's going to get that cum out of that dick no matter what. Howard said she's seeing that big, hard dick and helping him out.
Howard asked Sal if he slept in bed with his grandmother and saw her vagina when he was a kid. Sal said he did. He said he shared a cot with her. He said that she bent over and he saw it. Howard said Sal has jerked off to family members. Sal said not really. He said he was 17 when the grandmother thing happened. He said he flew back home when his family was in Italy and he stayed in his grandmother's room. He said she had a big bush too. Sal said his grandfather slept in the other room and he wasn't going to sleep with him. Howard asked if she had a lot of side meat. Sal said it was the whole meat case. Howard said no wonder his grandfather was in the other room. Sal said he padlocked the room.
Howard asked if Sal slept in bed with that Larry Caputo guy. Sal said he did. He said they did an appearance and they had a room together. Howard saw a picture of the two of them together. Sal said his foot touched his leg in the middle of the night and he freaked out and moved to the edge of the bed. Howard asked if he was hard. Sal said he wasn't. He said he may have had a semi. He said that he had to share a room and there was only one bed in the room. Sal said Larry did say he didn't like his boxers. Howard said Larry is wearing bikini briefs.
Gary said Shuli told him that Sal once shared a bed with High Pitch Erik. Howard got back to the Sal and Larry thing and said he's not sure why he'd get in his underwear and share a bed with a dude. Sal said they're comfortable with each other.
Howard said he was in college and he had a roommate who was in his underwear jumping up and down. He said he never spent another night in that room. Howard said he roomed with his buddy Lou after that. Howard said Larry is wearing something that looks like women's lingerie. Howard asked if he's seen Larry's cock. Sal said he has never seen it. He said they just shared a bed.
Howard got back to the porn and played more of the sister and brother thing. Howard said the guy cums in the next clip. He played that too and the sister is saying he's such a good brother for giving it up for her.
Howard said he could get off on that. He said it seems kind of hot to him. Robin said she's not sure why the guy isn't talking. Howard said he's paralyzed. Howard said the guy is in bad shape.
Howard said they were talking to Sal the other day and he said he's a ''conservative liberal.'' Howard said you wonder how that can be. He said he also said that Paul Ryan is the speaker of the White House. Howard said Robin has to talk to Sal. He said even if it's just for 10 minutes.
Howard said he has to read the article. He said that RadarOnline reported on Monday that he's been living like a recluse for 7 months. Howard said they say that he hasn't been seen in some time now and the fear is that he might have had a stroke. Howard said it's bullshit. Howard said it sounds like they have absolutely nothing. Howard said the article also says that he's a prime candidate for a stroke because of his diet. Gary said they have written some stuff about Howard in the past that turned out to not be true too. He said they say that this information comes from a Hollywood insider and not even a close friend.
Howard thanked Gary for that. He said Gary could do some of that phlegm porn. Howard played a song parody of Gary clearing his throat to the tune of ''Sweet Child O' Mine.''
Howard said they say Axl Rose is going to front both Guns N' Roses and AC/DC. Howard said he didn't want to do anything and now he wants to do everything apparently.
Howard said maybe he should do this now since he's built it up. Howard had Fred play JDini into the bit. They had some weird music and an intro for him. JDini came in doing his character voice. Howard said he's available for cartoon work. Howard asked JDini to speak to them with his words of wisdom. Howard asked him to amaze them. JDini said his first prediction is that this bit will go great. Howard asked him what his second one is. JDini said Cats will reopen on Broadway and Howard will adopt the whole cast.
Howard asked JDini to tell them more. JDini said the term conqueror will be deemed too offensive so retarded people will be called God's Woopsie Daisies.
Howard asked JDini for another prediction. JDini said Jon Hein will lose 35 pounds this year after the doctor amputates his diabetic leg.
Howard said JDini just crossed that one off his list. He said he doesn't want to repeat that one. Howard asked for another one. JDini said Gary will tell his 8000th ''quick story''. JDini also said Fred will stare uncomfortably at him during this bit.
JDini said in the year 2036 robots will be programmed to fuck humans but won't fuck Benjy. JDini also predicted that Ronnie will propose to Stephanie again but this time hiding the ring up his ass. Howard asked how he's doing. Robin said he was doing well but something happened in the last couple.
Howard asked JDini for his next prediction and how he gets web cam girls to get dogs to lick peanut butter off of them. JDini said Jon Hein's wife will pen a book called ''Fast Food Widow.''
Howard asked JDini to give them another prediction. JDini said Bill Clinton will be all smiles when he walks into the White House next year when he sees first lady Melania.
Howard asked JDini for another prediction. JDini had a bunch more. Howard said they'll call this number 10. Howard took a call to find out if this should end. The caller said he'd keep going with it.
Howard asked JDini for another prediction. JDini said El Nino will hit Manhattan and cause massive flooding and that will make him clean his sheets before December.
Howard said JDini will now make his final prediction. JDini said his final prediction is that they'll never do this fucking bit again. Howard told him to do another one. JDini said Jon Hein will write an even more boring book about his favorite convenience stores. Howard asked for another one. JDini said Gary will write a book called ''They Call Me Unemployed'' when Howard retires. Howard asked for one more. JDini said When Ronnie marries Stephanie she shall be wearing white. Mostly because that's the color they make straight jackets. Howard thanked him for that. Howard said he did that character voice and stayed with it. He said they only did that because people wanted more JDini. Howard said they wanted more of the worst bit they've ever heard. They went to break after that.
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Howard asked if Robin has a fever. Robin said she thinks she did yesterday. Howard said she came in and did her job and hid it well.
Howard said Beth is feeling sick too. He said she came in and watched Daredevil with him. He said he's at episode 8 and it's so good. He said he has to go home and finish it today.
Howard played a song parody about Robin getting a cold. Howard asked if she's alright. Robin said this is the third one. Howard asked if her immune system is shot from the Chemo. Robin said it looks like it. She said she never got colds in the past. Howard said she used to yell at him when he did.
Howard said Beth came in and said that she didn't want him to get sick and started coughing all over the room. Howard said he loves her but he can't get sick. Howard said they were making out right before she got sick. He said if you're going to get it you're going to get it. Howard said she's so sick though. Howard said she has some charity thing she's doing and she should stay home but she's going to do it.
Howard said Robin is sick. He said she has 3 cans of seltzer. Robin said she had to bring a few so she doesn't have to keep running down there. Howard said she's like the guy on America's Got Talent who used to balance and hold stuff. Howard said it's the funniest thing seeing her running around with all of her potions. Howard said Robin could go on America's Got Talent and be a balancer. He said she could balance seltzer and coffee.
Howard said he almost went back on TV. He said he was offered a TV gig. Howard said he had the meeting and he realized he'd be miserable again. Howard said he can't go into details. He said they're the greatest people and everything. Howard said they try to get him involved by doing it for just a few weeks. Howard said it's on a great network and he likes all of the people. Howard said it's a dream of his but then he gets cranky when he takes on the extra work. Howard said he was going to do it and Beth got a hold of him and told him he'd be miserable. Howard said she was right. Howard said Robin would have had a great time with it. Robin said she'll never know. Howard said he can't tell anyone. He said that would be unprofessional.
Howard said he needs time to watch 4 hours of Daredevil. He said he needs that. Howard said that is their greatest export. Robin said there are some great shows from England too. Howard said they have shit. Robin said Downton Abby is good. Howard said it's one show. Robin said Luther is good. Howard said even our shitty shows are good. Robin said they are not.
Robin said Howard trashed that Shades of Blue show and she loves it. Howard said when he sees that J-Lo act he has never seen anyone act like that. Howard said he can't watch the show. Howard said she's not good. He said JDini is a better actor. Howard said he can't watch the show. Howard said he's heard Ray Liotta is fabulous though. Howard asked if they have fallen in love yet. Robin said no. Howard said he heard she falls for everyone she works with.
Howard said he tuned in to see the show and J-Lo is a cop. Robin said she wears plain clothes. She said the wig is terrible. Howard said she's so brave. Howard said he's just not a fan. Robin said she isn't either but she liked the show. Howard said it was renewed for a second season. Robin said it's good.
Howard said it's impossible to say really. He said that he and Ralph go way back. Howard said Ralph should come on the air and talk about what's up. Howard said he thinks Ralph confides in him. He said Jimmy does too but he thinks he must hold back. Howard said Ralph has abetter action figure collection. He said he and Jimmy spent a whole day drawing together. Howard said Jimmy was drawing pictures of some guy who is a friend of his. He said it's going to be a comic book. Howard said he was doing serious art. He said they had to spend time with their wives first and then they got permission to do their art. Robin said Howard is so weird. She said she's not sure why he'd do art with another person. Howard said Robin will end up doing the same thing. Robin said she will not.
Jim asked if Howard has hung out with Jack Nicholson. Howard said he has a few times. He said it's not as great as you'd think. He said he doesn't think Jack is into him. He said it's always awkward. Howard said he's a nice guy and everything but it's just awkward. Howard said he was on line with Jack at a party and they were getting desserts. Howard said he asked what he was having and he said something stupid. Howard said it just doesn't go well. He said he's always surrounded by chicks and dudes. He said there's a whole scene around him. Howard said maybe nothing is happening but it seems like it is.
Howard said Jack doesn't seem that interested in hanging out with him. He said he's not sure what to talk to him about. Jim said that he'd be a great guest. Howard said he would be. He said that's where he'd be good at talking to the guy. Howard said he's not good at parties. Howard said he never gets invited to parties. He said he's not fun so he's never invited to more than one party.
Howard said he's not sure how to be fun. He said Jimmy likes hanging around with him though. He said Jimmy says it's fun to be with him but he doesn't believe it. Howard said not a lot of people want to draw with him. Howard said he's not sure Molly even likes him. He said he thinks Jimmy makes her go along with him. He said she might not be that thrilled with him. He said Jimmy keeps it going. He said it makes him feel good.
Jim asked if Jimmy would keep doing late night TV into his 70s. Howard said it's a horrible job. He said Jimmy won't do that. Howard said he's not speaking for him but he doesn't think he'd do it. Robin said he seems to be enjoying it. Howard said every job is horrible. Howard said people don't believe it but they all suck. Howard said he has done menial jobs and he loved them. He said he loved washing dishes. Howard said that was hard work. He said he was the best damn dishwasher there ever was. Howard let Jim go after that.
Howard played the Patty Duke theme song and talked about how good that show was. Howard said then she went all loony. Howard said she had a shitty childhood. Howard said her parents gave her away and a manager raised her. Howard said then she went bipolar. Howard said she was all screwed up from the people who raised her. Howard said she was massively fucked up.
Gary said her son is Sean Astin. Gary said that she tells him that her father is John Astin. Then she tells him that Desi Arnaz is his father. She said then she tells him that his father is a guy that his mother rented an apartment from. Gary said Sean has relationships with all three of them. Howard said Patty Duke was really out there. Howard said they say when she won her Emmy she appeared to be high but it turns out she was just mental.
Howard asked how she died. Gary said she had a leak in her intestines and it killed her. Robin said that happened to Tom Arnold from the opioids he was taking. Howard said that Patty Duke brought him a lot of joy.
Howard said that they don't have songs for TV shows anymore. Howard said people don't want to sit through that. Howard said he has to fast forward through the opening for Daredevil. He said he's not sure why they do it. They went to break a short time later. They played a Gary Garver interview with Darth Nihilus and a Ham Hands Bill prank call as they were going to break.
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The caller asked what Howard loves about himself. Howard said his feet. He said even his hair doesn't look right. He said he's glad he has it but it's never right. Howard said his hair is always a mess. He said it's not coiffed properly. He said he needs it to cover his face though. He said he'd like to grease it back but even Beth told him that's not a good idea. He said she knows. Howard said his hair dresser Toni asked if he wanted to do something different. He said he wanted to try it but everyone told him not to. He said he did try it on vacation once and he was afraid to try it by himself in the bathroom.
Howard said he has this very curly look. Howard said he has a very low self opinion. Howard said he went to see the new Steve Martin play and he had his picture taken. Howard said here were some good ones but then there's one in which he looks like a monster. Howard said there is one angle that he looks good at and the rest he looks like a monster. Howard said he's working with something that's not so great.
The caller asked if Howard would have married Beth if she didn't have a good personality. Howard said of course not. Howard said he has dated some like that. Howard said he moved on from them. Howard thanked the caller for the compliment. Howard let her go after that.
Howard said the guys were all excited about this caller. He said they thought she was saying he was better looking than Brad Pitt. Howard said that's not what she was saying at all. Howard said his life could have been so much different if he looked like Brad Pitt.
Howard said Beth is very good looking. Howard said he looks at her and goes ''My god...'' Howard said she has been treated differently in her life. Howard said the principal of her school used to visit her at home. Howard said that's not normal. Howard said she thinks that's how things work. Howard said no one knew his name or visited him. Howard said his parents didn't even visit him.
Howard said he looks like a dried out praying mantis. He said someone said he looks like a giraffe fucked by Jimmy Durante.
Howard said Underdog Lady got upset when she saw a movie with the name underdog in it. JD said this was actually a voicemail. She called Shuli to tell him about that. Howard played the clip and Underdog said she got home from work and she sat down to watch TV and did some channel hopping and ran across a movie on Encore Family about kids in training for a karate match. She said it was called Underdog Kids. She said she was compelled to watch. She said she heard no mention of Underdog the super hero. She said maybe Shuli could do some research into that. Howard laughed. He asked if she's ever heard the term ''underdogs'' for people who are coming from the bottom.
Howard said he read a thing that Marco Rubio is saying about not releasing his delegates. Howard said the funny thing is that he misspelled United States writing ''Untied States.''
Howard said that he has to take a break. He saw a story from Gawker and wondered how they're still in business. Gary said that they haven't had to pay off Hulk Hogan yet but they do have to put up at least $50 million. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said he has Robert Duvall on the phone. Howard said Robert is calling in with something he needs help with. Robert was on the line so Howard asked him who the best actor was. Robert said Brando was. Howard said RadarOnline is reporting that he had a stroke. Robert said he never had one. He said the story is false and it's not good because he can lose work over that.
Howard read the article and Robert said he was in Florida looking for Howard in Wellington. He said he's in Texas now and he's having a convention for Lonesome Dove. Howard said it's like a Star Trek convention but for that movie. Howard asked if Danny Glover is showing up. Robert said that he heard he's there. He said he hasn't seen Tommy Lee Jones yet. Howard said the people who show up for that must be weird. Robert said he'll find out tomorrow night.
Howard said Robert has been living in Florida for 7 months. Robert said he's been down there looking for Howard. Howard said he's been on vacation basically. Robert said that his wife loves these dogs she has and they were having a great time down there.
Howard asked who would be saying this stuff about him. Robert said he's doing better than ever. He said he's been swimming and has lost some weight. He said he can fit in clothes that guys his age could never fit in. Howard asked how he's doing sexually. Robert said he's doing fine. Howard had him put his wife on. Robert put Luciana on and she said he's the best and he can fit in new clothes. She said they're having a great time out there in Fort Worth. She said he's still grumpy but no stroke. Luciana said he broke 5 ribs when he fell from a horse before doing a movie and he was on Oxycontin for a while. She said that he got off of that and he healed up for a few months and then did the movie. She said they're jerks for writing that article. Howard asked if they're doing it at least 3 times a week. She said maybe 2. She said it's mainly her. Howard said that's great.
Luciana asked how his cowboy hat is. Howard said it's great. He said he's about 7 feet tall when he wears it. Howard said he was never going to wear it but he can't throw it out. He said it's from Robert Duvall. Howard said Duvall looks good with one on. Howard said he knows how to wear it. Howard asked if he wears one in the bedroom. Luciana said he does not.
Howard had her put Robert back on the phone. Robert got back on and he said things are going great. He said he's looking for a 4th party to vote for. He said that both parties are liars. Robert asked who he likes. Howard said he has known Trump many years but he's a Hillary supporter. Robert said he thinks that both of them are liars. Howard asked what Hillary is lying about. Robert said that she's lying about bringing the bodies back and how she knew nothing. Howard said when they get into a political thing it gets crazy.
Howard asked what Robert is working on. Robert said he's working on an unpublished novel. Howard said he's working regularly and the stroke story could scare off work. Robert said he has a lawyer he could use to sue the shit out of them. He said he won't sue anyone though. Howard said he doesn't hear anything that indicates a stroke. Howard said people will see him tomorrow night at the Lonesome Dove thing. Robert said he hopes to see Tommy Lee there. He said they got along great on that movie. Howard said he doesn't sound like a man with a stroke.
Howard asked Robert where he's living now. Robert said they live in Virginia. Howard said he bets he wishes he was born when the cowboys were around. Robert said he loves convenience so no. He said he loves a bed for naps. He said his father told him a nap is an equal strain on all parts.
Howard said you can do so much on these phones so that might be the greatest invention ever. Robert said he doesn't like that people are looking at their phones all the time. He said that Luciana takes care of all of that stuff for him. Howard said he has a toilet in his house that squirts water up his ass. Robert said that sounds like a douche thing. Howard said it's like a douche for men.
Howard asked Robert about Bruce Jenner becoming Caitlyn and the size she made her breasts. Robert said he used to live near him and things have changed.
Howard asked how they can prove to people how healthy Robert is. Robert said he's fine. He said he gets naps and has a good life. He said he calls Jimmy Caan but he never calls back. He said he heard he was a little ill. Howard said he has to call in now.
Howard asked if Robert has any friends who are famous. Robert said Jimmy Caan is one. Howard asked if he ever hears from anyone else from the Godfather movies. Robert said he was friends but they've lost touch. Howard asked if he wants him to come visit him. Robert said he was looking for him down there in Florida.
Howard asked Robert about falling off the horse. Robert said everyone does that. Howard asked if you can fall off and not break your ribs. Robert said they say you can roll but he didn't do that.
Howard asked Robert if he's seen any movies lately that he liked. Robert said he liked Beasts of No Nation. He said he liked Room too. He said The Revenant was good. Robert said he likes Tom Hardy a lot too. Howard said that movie was good but it was like Superman in the woods.
Howard asked if he watched the Academy Awards. Robert said he did and he thought that Stallone should have won. He said Stallone hit it just right. He said he should have gotten an award for that.
Howard asked if he saw this kid in The Danish Girl. Robert said he didn't see that one. He said he liked Matthew McConaughey was great in that movie a few years back. He said his brother Rooster is great too. He said he's coming up.
Robert told Howard about this football player who is supposed to be really good. Howard said he's not masculine enough to talk about this stuff. Robert said that it's not about masculinity. He said sports are great. He said he hopes this kid doesn't get hurt. He said you ask about the kid and he's like magic. Robin asked what his name is. Robert said it's Christian McCaffrey . He said he broke Barry Sanders record.
Robert asked what you get when you mix Trump and Bernie Sanders. Howard asked what. Robert said you get Barry Markowitz the cinematographer. Howard had no idea who he was talking about. It was a really inside joke.
Howard and Robert talked about Bernie Sanders and how they don't think he can win. Robert said that they love Bernie over in Belgium. Howard asked how we get rid of this ISIS thing. Robert said he doesn't know. He said he's not a military guy.
Howard asked what Robert is doing today. Robert said he's going to see Rooster. He said he named his kid Miller Lite. Howard asked who the hottest chick is on FOX News. Robert said they're all bleach blondes. Howard said he likes Megyn Kelly. He said he would do things to her that would break her legs. Howard said he likes Guilfoyle. Robert said Megyn Kelly interviewed him at his farm many years ago. Howard said he must have been attracted to her. Robert said he may have been but he wasn't trying to get her. He said that he was with Luciana at the time. Howard said he would do all of the chicks at FOX News. Robert asked if they would do him. Howard said no way.
Howard said they gave a TV show to Jennifer Lopez. Robert said he doesn't know much about her. Howard asked if he knew Patty Duke died. Robert said he didn't know that. Howard said she was married to Gomez on The Addams Family. Robert said there are a lot of great actors coming up. He said Joaquin Phoenix is good. He said that Christian Bale and Tom Hardy are really good too. Howard said he's a good actor too. Robert said he really is. He said it's not easy to do what Howard did.
Howard asked if he and Rooster are going to get drunk. Robert said he doesn't drink but Rooster drinks about 32 beers a day. He said he has his own show now. He said he has an investment kind of thing.
Howard asked if Robert saw Batman v Superman. Robert said he didn't see that. He said he liked Straight out of Compton but he didn't get The Big Short. Robert said there's always something good out there. He said some people say there's nothing good. Howard asked if he knows what NWA stands for. Robert said he doesn't know. Howard said it stood for Niggaz Wit Attitudes. Robert said he's not a fan of the Quentin Tarantino movies where they use that word all the time. He did like the Nazi movie that he did with Brad Pitt.
Robert told Howard about a movie he's working on that takes place in 1860. He said it's the story of a half black girl whose mother is killed by a black panther. He said they had to find a young girl who was half black. He said that's the difficulty. Howard said he's trying to think of someone who is half black. Howard asked about Lenny Kravitz's daughter. Robert said it's a very different thing they're doing. Howard said maybe he should direct. Robert said he's had it with that. He said he will be in it but he won't direct.
Howard said who would be good in that part would be one of Obama's daughters. Robert said that they're too old. He said they need someone 10 or 11.
Robert told Howard about going to the white House when Clinton was there. He said he saw a hot chick get up to go to the bathroom and Bill followed her out a few minutes later. Howard asked what he does at the White House. Robert said you have food and stuff like that. He said he was there when this guy Menem was there. Howard said he doesn't know him. Robert explained who he was and how interesting he was.
Howard and Robert spent a few more minutes talking and Howard said he doesn't get how anyone could say he had a stroke.
Howard said next time he's in Florida he'll give Robert a call. He said he has to visit. Howard said Robert is living life to the fullest. Robert said he hopes this country will be okay. He said we live in crazy times. Howard said it is crazy.
Howard said Robert Duvall is on the phone. Robert said that he's saying his last name wrong. He corrected him on that.
Howard asked Robert about who he thinks the biggest threat in the world is. Robert said the middle east. He said that you have to look out for the radical Muslims. He said Howard knows that.
Howard thanked Robert for calling in. He said this is the show to call when you haven't had a stroke. Robert said he never gets invited to other shows. He said he hit it off with Howard. Howard said he's a national treasure. He said he will be on the look out for this white player that he was talking about. Howard said he's on the lookout for a half white and half black girl who is 10-12 years old. Howard said he'll find it. Howard said he's good at this stuff. He said he'll find someone.
Robert asked if he was this old and single if he'd let him go out with his daughter. Howard said he's out of his mind. Howard told him to say hi to Rooster for him. He said Robert Duvall has not had a stroke. Howard let Robert go a short time later.
Howard said that is a guy who knows how to live. He said it proves he has not had a stroke. Howard said they got the call yesterday saying he wanted to come on and prove that he hasn't had a stroke. Howard said that's a first. Howard said if he did have one he doesn't know it. They went to break after that. They played a fake Michael Caine phony phone call and a song parody about High Pitch Erik as they went to break.
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Howard came back and said they have his computer playlist and that's what Fred is playing. Howard said he has varied musical taste.
Howard said they were debating Sammy Hagar vs. David Lee Roth in Van Halen. Howard said he loves the ''Finish What You Started'' with Sammy signing. Howard asked Fred to find that and play the live version. Fred found it and played it for him. Howard said he is like a teenager because he stays in his room all day doing stuff. He said just listen to Sammy singing this song. He said he is one of the greatest front men. Howard said watching this on the internet is great too.
Howard said that Robert Duvall interview was great. He said he loves that guy. He said he could talk to him all day. Howard said he'd love to tape what he and Rooster do.
Howard said he has a new phony phone call where they took clips of him talking to Robin about The Bachelor and called a video store. Howard said the guy is a pretty good sport until he isn't. Howard played the call and the guys call the store and have Howard just talking about The Bachelor. The guy told him to check with Walmart and stores like that. The guy ends up talking to Howard about the show and others. The guy eventually hung up. They called back and the guy told him to fuck off.
Howard said the guy got pissed off because he said The Bachelor's best years were in high school. Howard said this guy is working in a video store so that must have hit close to home.
Howard said he has a phony phone call they made with Evil Dave to a pharmacy. Howard played the clip and they had Evil Dave talking to the woman about a problem he has with an erection he's had for over 4 hours. The pharmacist told him to go to the hospital. Dave said he's so hard he can't get his dick out of Sabrina. The guy asked who that is. Dave said it's his sheep. The guy kept telling him to go to the E.R. and eventually hangs up.
Howard said Evil Dave is very hard to work with. He said he can't pronounce Jeff Goldblum. He played a clip of Dave trying to say his name but he kept getting it wrong saying Goldberg.
Robin said when she sees the real David Letterman now this voice makes sense. Howard said he was talking to someone about Dave and they had something interesting to say about his new look. Howard said he can't remember what it was. He said they were saying it was kind of good that he was literally letting his hair down and relaxing.
Howard said the funny thing is that Evil Dave's real name is Dave. Howard said they were trying to do a bit about bestiality and Dave wasn't able to say that either. Howard played the clip and Dave had a lot of trouble saying that. Howard said Dave had a problem saying the word hymen too. Howard asked Robin if she remembers her hymen. Robin said of course she does. Howard said no girl ever gave him that. He said he knows girls who lost it riding horses. Robin said she thought she lost it riding a bicycle. She said she didn't and the guy she lost her virginity to had to break it. She said she had blood but never saw anything else. Howard said he knows nothing about the hymen. Robin said he never encountered one. Howard asked where it is. Robin said it's up there somewhere.
Howard asked if Fred or Benjy had to break a hymen. They didn't. Howard said he doesn't think that anyone but Will had a shot at that. Maybe ''Lemet'' did too. Howard asked where it goes. He asked if the hymen fairy comes and takes it.
Howard said that Gary just walked in. Gary said he was super young and inexperienced. He said he couldn't understand why it wasn't working. He said he felt like he was pushing and pushing and just his head was in. He said he finally found a girl to have sex with and it wasn't working. Gary said she wasn't saying anything either. Gary said that he was about to give up but then it just opens like a trap door. Gary said it lasted about 4 seconds after that. Howard asked if she said ''ouch.'' Gary said he doesn't remember that. Gary said someone sent him some pictures of different kinds of hymens. Howard said it's disgusting. Howard asked Robin which one looks like her's. Robin said she never looked to see her's. Howard said he might go gay after seeing this. He said everything is disgusting.
Gary said he didn't know what happened for about 10 years after. He said he was only 16 at the time and he didn't know.
Howard played a clip of Evil Dave trying to say the word hymen. He had some trouble with that. He called it a Hyena. Howard said Evil Dave is always eating when they record. Howard said he loves recording stuff for them but he insists on eating chips and stuff. Howard asked what he eats. Howard heard he was eating lunch. Gary said they had him in there for like 4 hours. Howard said that makes sense. Howard played a clip of Dave eating and drinking and it was pretty disgusting.
Howard said Dave insists on doing his own material and they never use it. He said Dave thinks he'll love it. He said he's done this Curry Slurpee joke a bunch of times and it never works. Howard played the clip and Dave cracked himself up with that.
Howard said last time Dave was up there he had 11 orange juices. Howard said that's a bit excessive. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin started her news with a story about Halle Berry getting on social media. Robin said her first tweet was a nude picture of herself but it was of her back. Howard said that's not what they're looking for.
Robin read a story about how Elton John is being sued by a former bodyguard who claims he was sexually harassed by Elton.
Robin read a story about Caitlyn Jenner playing in a women's golf tournament today. Howard asked if that's unfair. Robin said she doesn't know.
Robin read a story about a man who was found to have over 1400 bags of heroin inside his body. Howard said he was reading about a new drug that's more pure than heroin and it's so pure that people are overdosing and dying from it. He said it's called fentanyl.
Robin read a story about a hospital that has stopped using opioids to treat patients. Howard was still stuck on the guy who had 1400 bags of heroin in his ass. He was blown away by that. Robin read more about the opioids pain killer problem.
Robin read a story about the Oculus Rift device that has already ended up on Ebay and auction sites. Howard said he's not that excited about that. He said you can't even get him to put one on. Howard said he was offered a demo and he said no.
Robin read a story about how you stand up can help you get dates. Robin said good body posture can help you get dates. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who asked if he saw the People's Court thing. Howard said of course he did. Mariann asked if that's part of the Howard 360 thing. Howard said no it has nothing to do with that. Howard said he just put that up because he thought people would like to see it. Howard played a song that Mariann sang about him. Mariann also said that Kathie Lee made a flat Hoda and she's going around the city with it. She said everyone copies Howard. Howard said that Flat Ronnie was out there somewhere. Jason said he was at Limitless and at South by Southwest and he was on the set of Supergirl too. Jason said pictures are up on the web site now. Howard said Jason should put pictures of himself spiling coffee up on the site too. Howard said Jason put his coffee up on the console. He said he can't be that into coffee that he has to carry it around with him constantly. Howard said drink it at your desk and leave it there.
Robin read a story about the Ebola breakout being under control right now. Robin said it killed 11,000 people. Robin said it's over now though.
Robin read about how Americans are drinking less soda than they ever have. Robin said sales have fallen for 11 years in a row. Robin said that it hit a 30 year low in 2015. Robin said Pepsi had the worst hit of all. Robin said others have had losses too but not as bad as Pepsi. Robin said people are drinking flavored waters instead. Howard said he just drinks water. He said that's what everyone should do. Howard asked Jon Hein if he drinks soda with his fast food. Jon came in and said he drinks diet soda. Howard said they say that's even worse for you. Jon said he doesn't believe that. Jon said he has been drinking less of it. He said he does drink more water. Jon said he likes A&W root beer. He said they make it fresh at the store. Howard said he's out of questions for Jon. Jon said he likes diet Coke too. Howard played a clip of Jon's audio book that the guys edited so Jon said some racist stuff. Howard said they made a phony phone call using those clips but it didn't work.
Robin read a story about how Americans are being asked to evacuate Turkey. Robin said there have been two bombings there in the past year and one of them killed two Americans. Howard said he's so glad he was born in this country. He said he can't imagine living in another country. Robin said her driver, Gene, met a guy from Africa who asked Gene about having kids and the guy had 5 at the age of 22. He's living there working in a car wash with 5 kids. Robin said the guy said where he comes from you expect most of your kids to die so they have extras.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who thanked him for making him feel better. He said he's feeling so good now he's going to go buy a new car. King said his wife's feet on her Instagram are so hot. Howard said he is really obsessed with feet. He said he likes smelling them and all of that. Howard said he doesn't get it but he knows a lot of guys are into it. Howard said he doesn't understand it. King said Beth's feet are tanned but not too thin. Howard said even the word ''feet'' is a horrible word. Robin asked how long King would spend on her feet. King said he would put them up on a pillow. Howard said Beth wouldn't let him do that. Howard said that's just not her thing. He said she'd think it's weird.
King told Howard to put Beth's foot on a pillow at the end of the bed and you come up and just smell them. He said if you have on sweat pants you'll feel a tent rise. Howard said Beth just amputated her feet hearing this. Howard let King go. Howard asked Robin if she'd find that creepy. Robin said of course. She said no one has ever done that to her. Howard asked if she would leave. Robin said she would say stop and she'd leave. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the FBI getting into that iPhone that they wanted Apple to hack into. They were able to get into it without Apple helping them. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that case. They spent a few minutes talking about that case. Howard thinks that sometimes you just have to break down and get into that phone to find out if there's anything else that they can find out to help them with the case. Howard said good people don't worry about this stuff. Howard said in life you have to use your head and common sense. He said people are blowing each other up. He said we're not far from having a nuclear attack happen. He said we have to be able to hack these morons. Howard said they have to bring back stop and frisk too.
Robin read a story about Marco Rubio trying to hold on to his delegates. Robin said the republicans are arguing about what they're going to do if their nominee isn't the one they want. Robin had some audio clips for Howard to play too.
Robin read a story about a cannabis conference that's going on in California. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that. Fred played some Jackie Martling clips while they were talking about that.
Robin read a story about premature births in this country that are costing this country a lot of money. Robin said that air pollution is the cause of many of them. Fred was playing more Jackie laughs so Howard asked if any of them were real. Robin said none of Jackie's laughs were real. Fred said he thinks he stared off with fake ones but they turned real.
Howard said Jackie wrote him a letter and said he's not mad at him. He wrote to everyone there though. Gary said he was confused by that too.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Erik who said that he's not sure who he's going to vote for because of what Trump did. He said Joey told him he's acting juvenile. Howard said he sees that he's getting his opinions from other people just like people were saying he does. Howard asked if Erik likes Mexicans. Erik said he loves Gonzo and he's Mexican. Howard asked why Erik is upset about Donald Trump defending his wife. Erik said he doesn't know, he's confused. Erik said he has lost 35 pounds so far. Howard said they'll see when they weigh him. Gary has a bet with him that he can't lose 100 pound in 6 months. Erik said he's cut out drinking soda.
Erik said he can't vote for Hillary Clinton because of the ''Ben Ganzi'' thing. Howard asked if he doesn't know what that is why would he be against Hillary. Erik said there's that email scandal too. Howard said there is no scandal. Howard said that some people are claiming she did something wrong but there's no evidence she did. Erik said he's going to vote with Joey and vote for Trump. Howard said now he's back to voting for Trump.
Howard asked who Erik would vote for if Donnie Wahlberg was going to vote for Clinton. Erik said he won't vote for Clinton. Erik said he might have to have a serious talk with Donnie on the set of Blue Bloods. He said he'll have to talk to John Stamos too. Erik said he has a Donnie Wahlberg pillow case. Howard asked if he has jerked off on it. Erik said he doesn't want to know. Howard said he's right and let him go.
Robin read that Deadpool is the highest grossing R-rated movie now. Robin said it has beat out another movie and that was The Matrix Reloaded. Howard did a live commercial read after that. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:00am
Jon also brought up a story Gary told today about breaking a girl's hymen. Gary said he thought that he had told every story he ever had but he had one more. He said that he really didn't know what a hymen was when he was 16. He said he didn't learn it for years.
Jon said he wants to talk about the coffee spill that happened today. He said he thinks Jason got off pretty easy today. Gary said it was such a bad spill that he thought things were going to short out. He said a lot of people break the no beverage rule in there so it's not just Jason. Gary said the only thing he goes in there with is hot water. He said he will be super careful now. He said he used to put it in a container that closes tightly. He said he's going to go back to that. Gary said he thinks the guys got sick of cleaning them. Jon said that was the end of using that container.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he gave that pass to Robert Duvall that Gary was talking about. He said you have to give him an old man pass. He said he was just saying the truth. He just put it out there like it was nothing. They went to break a short time later.
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Jon took a call from a guy who said he called this morning to get on at 10 to 7 and he told Joe the screener that he felt like JDini was going to be back. He said it's so terrible that you can't understand what he's even saying. He said it's like 9/11. He said it was really bad. Gary said he can't go with the 9/11 reference. He said it's just goofy and not that bad.
Jon said he gives him credit for rolling with the bit. Jon asked why he can't finish a sentence. Gary said JD loses confidence in his thought halfway though the sentence. He said he'll decide that before he even finishes a sentence. Jon said he was reading jokes though so he's not thinking them up. Gary said he was laughing at the jokes as he read them.
Jon said that Evil Dave was great too with everything he screwed up. Gary said it's all great. Gary said Dave is insistent on using his own material even though they help him out with the stuff he does. He said that his jokes are always awful. He said he thinks Dave feels like he needs to contribute but he doesn't. He said he had to tell him to fucking stop.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they're going to the Mad Dog show tonight. Gary said he will watch it on TV but he's not going to it. Jon said he would like to go but he can't. He said he will tune in though. Gary said people can get annoyed if they lose interest so he's afraid that could happen during the show. They went to break a short time later.
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Gary said Jimmy is coming on the show soon and Howard may not even know that. He said their relationship is interesting. He said he thinks that it's going to be seen as one of the great show business relationships ever.
Jon said Ralph is a great hang. He said he's just fun to be with. Gary said John Stamos told him that you can bring Ralph anywhere. He said he can hang for dinner or whatever.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she agrees that Howard and Jimmy have a grown up relationship that will get deeper. She said she thinks Ralph has a high school mentality that he hasn't grown out of. She said she thinks Jimmy will be the one that he keeps on until he leaves this earth. Gary said Jimmy is a naturally nice and loving person who is also fascinated with Howard's dark side. He said he thinks Howard is a little more acerbic and he might be jealous that Jimmy can cry. He said even though Howard laughed at that he might be jealous of it.
Jon said that they can relate over hosting talk shows. Gary said there are a lot more guys out there doing it now but not many who have done it at a high level.
Jon took a call from a guy who went over the friendships like the caller did earlier. He said he thinks that Howard sees Ralph as a sibling. Gary said he doesn't agree with that. He said he thinks Howard isn't just tolerating him but he really likes him. Jon said he thinks that they have different relationships but they both work.
Gary asked if Ralph will ever get married. Jon said he doesn't think so. Jon said Ralph is very happy the way things are. He said that he can do what he wants when he wants. Gary said the only relationship he's had was a very juvenile one. He said he doesn't know if it was serious for him.
Jon said they also talked about Patty Duke's death today. Gary said you have to be of a certain era to know who she was. Gary said he saw her shows in reruns. He said that he knew them from syndication. He said he remembers them vividly though. He said that her show had a theme song that was legendary.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's not sure what to think about Howard's foot fetish discussion. He said he remembers talking to him years ago and he was into feet. Jon said King has a thing with feet. He said Howard has nice feet. Gary said he tunes out when he hears the feet thing. He said it's just not his thing. Jon said it's not for him either.
Jon brought up the TV show Howard brought up today. Gary said he's on the fence about it. He said it could be fun and cool to do but then he remembers how miserable Howard was in seasons 2 and 3 of America's Got Talent. He said he comes there and gets mad at them instead of taking it out on Beth. Gary said last year's America's Got Talent was really bad. He said they set up the year in a way so their vacation was really disjointed. Gary said Howard was working a lot when he was on ''vacation'' last year. Jon said he would love to know what Howard's dream project is. Gary named a bunch of shows he could have been asked to do. He said maybe The Bachelor or something like that. Jon said he's curious to know what it is.
Jon said they should talk about Howard talking about his mom and how he brought a girl over and he had a note on his door saying that he was going to be punished for having a shirt on his bed. Gary said he knows his mom gave him a hard time but you wonder how much of it is true. He said she's never been on to defend herself. Gary said Howard has the microphone most of the time and he's the winner in that sweepstakes.
Gary said one thing that happened yesterday was the gun control discussion they had yesterday. Gary said that people were using a car analogy to compare it to having a lot of guns. Gary said he thought it was a stupid analogy.
Jon got in some plugs for today's Sternthology and wrapped up the show. They were done around 11:35am.
Jon asked why he never calls Howard's show. John said it's a lot easier to call this show. He said he usually gets a busy signal on the Stern show. He said he enjoys calling this show.
Jon said Tammy Pescatelli is also sitting in. Jon said she loves the show too. Tammy said she does. They spent a minute talking and then moved on.
Jon brought up the George Lopez interview and asked John why he thinks he does so well on the show. John said George speaks freely and doesn't pull any punches. He said he's having a raw conversation with Howard. He said he is there to promote but he also talks about his life growing up with his grandmother and things like that.
Tammy said George gave her a big start in her career. She said he took her on tour with him. She said Howard is so good at interviewing that people forget they're in the studio. She said it's like a fireside chat. She said that's how George is on the show.
Jon asked how Tammy got started with George. She said she was working at a club and George was there. She said she saw him craft a joke over a couple of days. She said she talked comedy the whole weekend and then she was invited to open for him on a few dates.
Tammy said she's disappointed when she hears a guest on Howard and then hears them on another show telling the same story. She said she hates when she hears that. She said they should give Howard everything. John said you sometimes hear the more detailed and better story on Howard's show and then a shortened version of it on other talk shows. He said Howard gives them the time to tell the whole story.
Jon said when people come in and you ask about what they're working on they get into this mode where they talk about that and it ends up boring the audience. Jon said he's guilty of that sometimes himself. John said that someone should tell Ace Frehley that.
Tammy said it feels like Howard has people in therapy when they're on that couch. She said Howard has been able to do that very well. Jon said Howard did that with George Lopez. He said he got a lot out of him about growing up. Jon asked if that kind of childhood crushes you. John said he thinks that it works for some entertainers.
Jon said Howard complains about his upbringing all the time. Jon asked if Howard had a tough upbringing. He said when it's compared to George Lopez it seems George had it worse. Jon said that Howard's parents show their love in an interesting way. John said he wouldn't want to grow up where Howard did. He said he can see Howard had struggles in his high school life. He said his parents could have been half of what Howard makes it out to be but that was his struggle.
Tammy said she thinks that goes to the coping skills. She said when you're mother only lets you do one thing a day then of course you're going to be exasperated. John said he hears Howard's mother's voice when he tells Robin she's doing too much. He said he uses her same phrases without doing the voice. He said he may not even notice how much he sounds like her.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Howard is going to ditch out on Baba Booey's mom's funeral. Jon said he's not sure what will happen there. He said they'll have to find out on Monday and see what he has to say about that. Jon said the only sure thing you know is Howard will talk about what he wants to talk about on Monday.
Jon brought up how Robin has been singing all the time lately. He said that she sang ''The Great American Nightmare'' and some people say that's the first time they heard all the lyrics of that song. John said that was the first time he did. They went to break a short time later.
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Jon said Mark has held down a job for a very long time. He said he's not sure if that makes him a Wack Packer or not. Tammy said that Fred the Elephant Boy has too. She said even Wendy has a job babysitting. John said Gary the Conqueror has also had a job.
Tammy said that she feels that she may have started the Fred and High Pitch Erik fight. She said they were DM'ing her on Twitter and she was telling each of them to take it easy on one another and then she stopped. She said then the fight went down.
Jon asked how often she DM's with Wack Packers. Tammy said it's not that often. She said if she was the cause for that to happen she feels bad. Jon asked if Erik has hit her up for anything. She said that he did ask how Donnie Wahlberg was doing when he wasn't allowed to contact him. She said she didn't answer though.
Jon said everyone says that High Pitch Erik is dumb but he's really not. He can work people. High Pitch Erik said he thinks that he's like the character Keyser Soze and he leaves there and unzips his fat suit and goes to FOX news to work.
Jon asked if Tammy or John have bought anything for any Wack Packers from their Wishlist. John said he hasn't but he does use a lot of their advertisers there.
Jon took a call from a guy who brought up Howard talking to Benjy this week and how annoying that is. Jon said he thinks it's not that bad when he keeps it short. He said we may hear more from Benjy now because Howard sometimes takes breaks from people and then gets back to them. John said he likes hearing from real Benjy. He said when he gets evasive and gets into one word answers he can't stand that. He said when Benjy is making a good contribution it's great. He said he does have things to say. Jon said he thinks the shtick has gotten to be less and less over the years.
Jon asked John who he's excited to meet up there. John said Fred is his guy. He said JD too. He said Fred is a genius. He said sometimes he's listening for drops he thinks he's going to play and loves it when he does. Jon asked if he thinks that laugh is fake like Howard thinks it is. John said he doesn't think it is. Jon asked what his favorite drop is. John said he liked that Little Lupe ''My pussy is like a ma-chine'' and then he threw in Gary's ''Mac-Hine'' clip. He said that's brilliant. He said everything he does is so topical. Tammy said you know when something is really funny because Fred laughs. They went to break a short time later.
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Tammy said we all want to feel good about ourselves. She said it's validation and she knows because she's a comic. Jon asked if she's going to brag about her times tables. Tammy said she feels bad about playing part in him being banned for the summer. She said she has an 8 year old who knows his times tables. John said he thinks they should do a Bobo free summer every year.
Jon took a call from a guy who had a theory on Fred's laugh. He said he's sure Fred is busy during the show doing stuff. He said he may not actively listen to the show like the fans do. He said the laugh sounds like he's half listening and something genuinely funny hits him and he laughs. He said it sounds out of place because he's not listening the way the fans do. Jon said that's a good theory. He said he thinks his laugh is genuine but he does have a lot going on.
John said Fred is working the computer now but he used to have to deal with the carts and all of that. He said he's a genius. The caller said Fred was more a part of the show back then. He said he had to be an active participant. He said he's more behind the scenes now. Jon said he's just as active but you don't hear him as much now.
Jon said he thinks Fred is one of the most under appreciated people on the show. He said that Fred is the glue. He said he keeps it going. John said the show isn't the same without Fred.
Tammy said they have a lot more people working there now. She asked if Jon knew he was going to be such an integral part of the show. Jon said he didn't. He said he was on the show before but he didn't know what it would be like. He said everyone there is really involved in the show and it's a really bizarre family they have there. Jon said when he wrote his book he didn't expect all of the attention he got over that. John said he got off pretty easy on that. Jon said he's sure there is more coming. He said when he did the audio book he was thinking about how it would sound on the show.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thought Bobo was a bumbling goof until he heard the Eric Andre bit where Bobo wasn't able to get through. He said he has a sense of entitlement where he thinks he has to be put through. He said that's when he stopped liking Bobo. Jon asked which ones don't have that feeling of entitlement. The caller said High Pitch Erik is another frustrating one on the show. Jon said that many of the Wack Packers don't understand why Howard isn't picking up on them immediately. Jon said that Tan Mom is one and Jeff the Drunk is one. Jon said Howard could be talking to the pope and Eric the Actor would wonder why he wasn't picking up his call.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if he ever thought of not doing an audio book because of the way they'd use it on the show. He also said he's a big fan of Tammy's and gave her a ''noine out of noine'' rating. He saw her do a show recently and yelled out Baba Booey. Tammy said she likes hearing that. She said she'd like to get her joke out first though. Jon said that he doesn't mind them goofing on his audio book to answer that guy's question.
Jon had John help him out by reading what they had coming up on today's Sternthology. They spent a little time talking about that stuff and then wrapped up the show. They were done around 11:40am.
Jon said they have a lot of stuff to talk about. He said they had JD in as JDini this week. He said there are callers who say they hate it and others say it's so bad they love it. Jon asked where Danny stands on that. Danny said it's sort of a throw back to a Carson bit on the Tonight Show. He said he loves it. Danny said someone said it's hilarious when he tells the jokes or when he can't get them out. Jon said he would argue that it's funnier when he can't get them out.
Jon asked what Danny thinks of the voice work by JDini. Danny said it's great. He said JD still has rouble getting his thoughts out on air. He said you're partly sympathetic to him. He said he still has a little trouble getting out his words. He said it's always entertaining when he has a stumble. Jon said he thinks Howard loves him so much because he sounds great on the air.
Danny said Howard fond these people in his staff and they're like diamonds in the rough. He said Ronnie is another one and it's Howard's skill and talent to find people like that in his staff. He said he makes superstars out of them. Jon said very few people are brought in to host. He said most are writers, directors or producers. He said Sal was brought in to write but once he's on the air you can't get any quirkier than that. Danny said in the case of Sal and Richard there is a chance that your love for the show can turn it into a job. They spent a few more minutes on that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thought JD sounded like Butt-Head when he was doing the impression. Jon said he's trying to do the Carson voice and he's pretty close on that. Danny said he's sad that many younger people have no knowledge of the bit. He said it's great that JDini can introduce it to people again.
Jon said they also heard High Pitch Erik today. He said that they heard some old voicemails from him. Jon said he has women around him and he doesn't seem that desperate. Danny said some people are so attached to the show that they will take someone like Erik and befriend him. He said that makes them feel close to the show in some way. Danny said there is someone for everyone and even Erik can find someone.
Jon asked if the audience would buy something for Erik. Jon said that he gets why people do it. He said it makes you feel like you're a part of it. Jon said the residual of that is that he will check in and not check out. Danny said Erik has a level of intelligence. He said you can call it street smarts. He said Erik has gotten people to pay for things and it's pretty impressive. He said people will pay his cable bill for him. Danny said he'd like to have audio or video of that conversation. Jon said he thinks it's as simple as ''Will you pay my cable bill?'' They went to break a short time later.
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Jon asked Sherrod if it's a gold mine with what's going on in politics now. Sherrod said it is. He said he can't vote for him as a person but as a comedian he can. He said the jokes will write themselves. Sherrod said he's going to Cleveland to record a segment for a show he's doing that will be out in June. He said they're going to see what they can get at the convention out there.
Jon said Bill Maher came up this week and Howard talked about what he said in an interview. Danny said they haven't had a face to face over it yet but it would be fireworks if they did. Sherrod said Bill has been in a bad mood the past couple of years because he's been cutting back on his prostitutes.
Danny said Sherrod has had face downs with other comedians. He said he saw him have one with Bill Burr. Sherrod said he's his buddy though. He said that it's just comedians doing their thing.
Jon said that he wasn't going to talk about this but Howard did talk about what's going on with the D'Angelo Russell. That led to the guys spending a few minutes explaining that story and discussing it.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they have nay High Pitch Erik memorabilia. Jon asked if he would give money to High Pitch Erik. The caller said he would. He said it would be an incentive for him to lose weight. Jon asked if he'd expect something in return. The caller said not really. Jon said a lot of people do reach out to him to be a part of the show. The caller said he's not that kind of guy. Danny said if he does give Erik his contact information he will hear from him and hear from him again and again. He said he won't go away. The caller seemed to be fine with that.
Jon asked if Danny is speaking from personal experience. Danny said he's not inclined to give Erik anything. He asked Sherrod if people reach out to him on Twitter to get in touch with him. Sherrod said they'll offer him weed. He said they don't get his contact info though. He said he'll just have them dump the weed in a dumpster or something. They went to break a short time later.
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Jon said he just loves Robert Duvall. Danny said he thinks everyone cringed when they heard him talking about that football player. He said it makes you very nervous to hear him talking about that. Danny said they did talk about what the N in NWA stands for. Danny said they got into a discussion about that too. Sherrod said he has people like that in his family who talk about whatever they have on their minds. He said they all do that. Jon said he has an older cousin who does that. He said other than that not really. They spent a little more time talking about that. Sherrod said they can say anything on TV in Europe. He said the only word they ban is ''cunt.'' Danny said things have really changed over the years. He said now we have anything you could ever want on TV.
Jon asked what you do when you see an article that's completely false. Sherrod said he's not sure how you fight that. Jon asked what they can do. Danny said he gets a lot of calls about people saying things on Facebook where they want to sue.
Jon took a call from a guy who thought it was odd that Wack History Month ended on Crackhead Bob. He said it was a bummer that it ended on him and not someone else. The caller said he felt so bad about him. Jon said he was the most recent to pass and it was done as a tribute. The caller said he understands that part. He said Bob was a founding member but to wind down Wack History Month with that they could have ended with someone else. Jon asked who he would have ended with. The caller said maybe Underdog. He said something a little lighter. The guy didn't let up so they spent a couple of minutes discussing that.
Jon had Danny read the plug for today's Sternthology. They wrapped up the show a short time later. They were done around 11:45am.