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Howard and the guys were back from a week away this morning. Howard started the show talking about how he wishes the show was over already. He said they're not even a minute into it. Howard asked Robin how her vacation was. Robin said it was quite restful. She went to a baby shower over the weekend. Robin said she has some friends in Pittsburgh. Howard said he hates all of that carrying on.
Howard said he was out in Los Angeles doing AGT. Howard said for the last 12 days he was out there. He said he got so bamboozled with that. Howard said the days were so long. He said they had him shooting outdoors and he was freezing. He said it was like torture. Howard said it was super hot during the day and there was tons of dirt and dust. Howard said at night the temperature would drop rapidly and it would go on from 9 in the morning until 9 or 10 at night. Howard said they had to make the drive back to the city after that. He said he doesn't remember any schedule like this in the past.
Howard said one act had a bunch of guys getting into a bus and slamming into another bus. Howard said it was great. Robin asked what kind of talent that is. Howard said they lived so that's got to count. Howard said another lady blew herself up with herself inside a car. Howard said he's not sure what people can do to top that. Howard said it's like ISIS got on AGT and wanted to prove how crazy they were. Howard did an accent and talked up the stunts like they were being done by terrorists.
Howard said there was one act where they had a bunch of motorcycle riders and they go up on a ramp really fast and they're in the air to land on a ramp. He said they hold on to the back of the motorcycle after letting go. Howard said they were awesome. He said he was torn because he didn't want to go back outside again for another round. Howard said they put them through though. Howard said he almost got hit by a motorcycle and then he almost jumped on the back of one.
Howard said he was miserable the whole time out there. He said he's miserable until the camera is on him. He said the producers even pointed that out. He said they told him he's really miserable but then he's on camera and he's fine. Howard said he really is the best judge. He said he gives people critique. He said he doesn't just tell them they're no good.
Howard said Nick Cannon came up to him out there and he's making being single an art form. Howard said the ladies love Nick. Howard said he has an 8 pack. He said that whatever Benjy is it's just the opposite. Howard said Nick has hot and cold pussy running. Howard said all of the girls are models. He said there are no slouches. Howard played a bit the guys created with girls talking to Nick in his trailer.
Howard said he has a story about Nick and a lie detector. He said he has to pick up the phone on David Arquette though.
Howard said that David got married and Beth was telling him not to do that unless he was really sure he wanted to. David said he got married last night. Howard asked who was there. David said that he had Quincy Jones, Gary Shandling and Paul Reubens there. Howard said he would have gone but David lost a lot of celebrities when he divorced Courteney. David said he just got married for the first time. Howard said he was married to Courteney. David said he gets married for life and if it doesn't work out then it doesn't count.
Howard said David wrote him this long email that was all about peace and love. Howard said he's not going to read it. David said he knows it's the ramblings of a mad man. Howard said David is all about that but then he's getting into fights with Justin Bieber. Howard asked if he wrote his own vows. David kept interrupting Howard again. Howard asked to hear his vows. David recited a couple of lines of what he said to his wife.
David talked more about the celebrities he had at his wedding and how they're all geniuses. Howard said that Courteney gobbled up all of the other celebrities. Howard said he partied with Courteney when he was out in L.A. He said he had one free night and he saw her. David called him a fucking little roach. He said he's bearing his soul to him and he's looking at him like he's like Hanzi or some shit. Howard said he called David right away out there. Howard said David makes calls at 6 in the morning and then passes out. Howard said he left a message. David said he didn't leave a message. Howard said he did too. Howard said he knew that once he woke up he wouldn't need him.
David said he just got married tonight. He said this means a lot to him. He said his daughter means a lot to him. He said she sang two songs at the wedding and crushed it. He said he's so proud of her. He said he can't even say how much it means to him.
Howard asked if he banged his wife on their wedding night. David said he's not going to get into that. Howard asked David if he had sex after his wedding. David said he's not answering that. Howard asked if he made love then. David told him not to worry about it. Howard asked if he banged Courteney. David told him to calm down.
David said that his siblings might be upset by this. He said his parents are gone now but his father went out and got a little wild on his wedding night. Howard asked how he knows that. David said his family talks. Howard asked if he has a Mexican sibling. David said maybe they do but who cares. Howard asked if there is a Jose Arquette. David said maybe there is.
Howard asked if Justin Bieber was at his wedding. David said sure. Howard said he's happy for him and he hopes things are cool. David thanked him for that. He said he knows Beth would be more eloquent with that. Howard said he doesn't get him. He said he attacks him in the email and he's just crazy. David apologized for that. Howard said he's going to rip up his emails. Robin said she wants to read them first.
Howard said when he read Courteney all of those emails she loved them. David asked if he heard that guy Ari guy went off on Howard again. Howard said he's shaking in his boots. David got off the phone after that.
Howard said Nick came up to him and said there was a report about how the two of them hate each other. Howard said they were saying they only get along on camera. Howard said Nick found it online somewhere. Howard said he said to Nick on camera that they should take a lie detector test to find out if they like each other. Howard said they did this on camera. Howard said he wrote down like 11-12 questions for Nick. He said he was going to ask if he likes Howard Stern and then it was if he likes white people. Howard said Nick told him to ask him anything he wants but he's going to ask him the same questions. Howard said it was pretty cool. Howard said they did it and he asked Nick if Heidi's accent annoys him. He said no and he was telling the truth. He said Nick said that Mel B's accent is annoying and that made Mel crazy. Howard said Nick threw that on him and he didn't find Mel's accent annoying but he did find Heidi's annoying and she felt hurt over that.
Howard said he asked Nick if Howard Stern is the only judge that really matters and Nick said yes and he was telling the truth. He said that Howie went crazy over that. Howard said Howie was wondering what they were doing on the show then. Howard said Nick likes white people. He said he passed that. Howard said that's a pretty cool thing they did.
Howard said he had one free night. He said he went to Jimmy Kimmel's house and he only had a few people over. Howard said it was fun. He said next time he goes out there he has to do his show. Howard said Jimmy was off that week but he had no free time. Howard said his daughter came to Los Angeles and they hung out on Saturday morning. Howard said other than that he didn't have a lot of time. Howard said he didn't get to do much of anything. He said it was cold out there too. He said it wasn't good weather.
Howard said they left Sunday and they just missed an earthquake. Howard said he liked the hotel he stayed in too. He said this new place was 50 times better than the place he used to stay. He said that the pool scene was good. Howard said he had one day free and he packed a lot into that day. He said Amy Schumer was out there and sat near them there at the pool. Howard said that was cool.
Howard said this good looking dude showed up and he was out by the pool. Howard said he was in shape and wearing a grey wool cap. Howard said David Beckham wears one. He said they call it a skully. Howard said this kid walks by and he's in good shape. He said he turned to Beth and said ''Look at that douche.'' Howard said he has to put guys down like that. Howard said he kept his shirt on at the pool. He said he has to cover up his man tits. Howard said the guy came over and said that he was on America's Got Talent 2 years ago. Howard said they ended up selling a bunch of records. He said that now the guy is on American Idol in the top 8. Howard said the guy went solo and he's on Idol now. Howard said that this guy is trying to figure out how to keep it going. Howard said he's a cool kid. Howard said he was asking him a lot of questions about American Idol. Howard said that the guy likes J-Lo on the show. Howard said the guy is a nice guy. He said he's not a douche bag. Howard said the kid's name is Nick something. Howard said he sent it to Gary. He said it's like Fradiani. Howard said that's it. He said vote for that guy. Howard said he's going to do a tribute to Billy Joel this week. Howard said he was actually a good dude. Howard said the kid thanked him because Howie wasn't nice to them when they were on AGT.
Howard said that a lot of fans came out to AGT. He said one guy was yelling out ''Gary!'' like the Richard Simmons clip. Howard said he got a lot of Perez Hilton ''Craaazyahhhh'' things too. Howard said the guy who does that voice, Kyle Dunnigan, was out in L.A. too. Howard said that he ran into him. Howard said that he hangs with Amy Schumer a lot. Howard said he invited them over toe Jimmy's house. He said he hung with them a little bit. Howard said they had a nice crowd at Jimmy's house.
Robin said that she saw Jimmy on the Led Zeppelin Kennedy Center Honors. Howard said Jimmy is everywhere. Howard said Jimmy told him he hung out at South By South West festival thing.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that David Arquette's life seems to be falling apart and he thinks he should be in the Wack Pack. Howard said he might be right.
Howard took another call from a guy who said David was acting kind of wacky today. Howard said he may have to make him an honorary Wack Packer. Howard said that David was going nuts when he was calling him last week.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him to read the email and fuck David. Howard said he doesn't know about that. He said it's crazy stuff. The caller said he wants to hear what this dude is up to. Howard said he's not going to read it if David doesn't want him to. Howard said he can't do that.
Howard said Tiger Woods cursed while he was on microphone at a game. Howard said they keep putting a microphone on him but they get upset when he curses. Howard said they could run a delay on him. He played the clip of Tiger saying ''Oh my fucking god'' after screwing up a swing.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got out a Baba Booey at The Masters. He said that it wasn't the one that Howard played though. He said he was out there the whole day with his dad. He said he was really bored so he screamed out Baba Booey and got kicked out. He said his dad stayed though. Howard thanked him for doing that. He said the Baba Booey thing has become really big. He said it's good promotion for the show. He said they don't encourage anyone to do it though. He said it is entertaining though.
Howard said he and his agent were having meetings out there. Howard said that Nick asked him if he was going to sign up for AGT next year and he said he doesn't know. Howard said that he doesn't know what he's going to do next year. He said he was so miserable out in L.a. He said he was bitching to his wife the whole time. He said she got him to go on a hike one day. He said she wanted to shut him up. Howard said they went to some canyon to walk in. Howard said he was complaining the whole time during that hike. He said that he just wants to sit home at this point. Howard said that's what Letterman will be doing. Howard said he thinks once he retires he's gone. Robin said he may do a Greta Garbo. Howard said he thinks he'll just live his life and concentrate on his kid and wife.
Howard said he doesn't know what he's going to do next year. He said that Getting Clear documentary is great. He said it shows how crazy they are. He said that it's really no crazier than any other religion. Howard said they talked about how they owed like a billion dollars in back taxes so they bugged the shit out of every IRS person and sued everyone they could there. Howard said when they did that they bugged them so much that they turned it into a religion. Howard said the head of the IRS was willing to drop every lawsuit if they made them a religion and they caved. Howard said it's kind of a cool strategy. Howard said they have some good scenes of John Travolta and Tom Cruise acting wacky. Howard said it's good. He said they should watch it together.
Howard said you have to pay a ton of dough to get ''completely clear'' in this religion. Howard said you pay for auditing sessions. Howard said your ultimate goal is to become a theta 7. Howard told Robin what you're supposed to be getting clear of. Howard explained the wacky story behind all of this stuff. Howard said that they use that E-meter thing on you to figure out what they ended to clear you of.
Howard said Riley Martin has a cross over with Jay Thomas. Howard said that Jay must be so pissed at them for doing that. Howard said you have to hear it. Howard said Jay is disgusted with all of this. Howard said you can hear it. Howard said Jay has been in the business for 40 years or something like that. Howard said now he's on with Riley Martin.
Howard played a clip of Jay talking to Riley and asking him what he had for breakfast. Riley was slurring his words and sounded like he was barely able to speak. Howard said these guys have some rapport. Riley was making all kinds of noises along with his ''Uhhhh'' and things like that.
Howard played another clip of Jay talking to Riley and Riley making more weird ''Uhhhh'' noises. Howard and Fred did their impressions of Riley while they were talking about that. Jay was asking how he can find out if he's an alien himself. Riley gave Jay some wacky explanation. Jay asked what he'll be talking about today. Riley said that it's the same thing he's been talking about for years. Jay said it's wonderful that they're partners now. Howard said this has to be the worst nightmare for Jay. Howard said Jay always feels he was never given his due. Howard said Jay feels betrayed by the industry and now he's talking to Riley in the crossover. Howard said he may make Riley his co-host. Howard said they had to take a break after that.
Howard said he may have to channel Ted Kennedy later. He said they have a Ted Kennedy museum now. Howard went into his impression a second later. Howard did his Ted Kennedy impression and talked about how they have a wave pool for all of the whores to drown in. He said they built a roller coaster around his enormous head too. Robin asked what they can learn at his museum. ''Ted'' had a few things to say about that. He talked about accidentally killing Mary Jo Kopechne. Ted said he knew that it was important for him to stay alive because he had important things to do. Ted was talking about how he just ate out Joan Rivers up there in heaven. He said Richard's guinea pig Taco is up there now too and he shoved it up his ass.
Howard did his Ted Kennedy doing an impression of JD too. Ted was talking about how he is meeting a lot of people there in Heaven.
Ted asked what's going on with Bruce Jenner down there. Robin said he's becoming a woman and there's going to be a special about that on soon. Robin said this is a guy who wants to give up chasing women and becoming one. Ted talked about how having a penis was something to be proud of in his family. He said he would never cut his cock off. He said he just wants to be able to fuck a woman's brains out.
Robin told Ted that Hillary Clinton is running for President. Ted said he wouldn't fuck her with Bruce Jenner's cock. Robin and Ted talked about some of the other people who are running for president. Ted said his museum has an exhibit where they reenact the car crashing into the river thing. Ted asked what this ISIS thing is about. Robin said it's not a striper name, it's a terrorist group. Ted had to leave a short time later. Howard came back said he had to read some email.
Howard said they don't go on vacation for another 7 weeks. He said that he still has more taping days coming up though.
Howard said people really hate Bobo. He had Bobo on the phone and told him that people really do hate him. Howard read some of the email that he got about Bobo and one guy said that Winter Springs, Florida isn't as nice as Bobo says it is. Howard read a bunch from people who said that he has to stop picking up Bobo's calls. Howard read about why Bobo is what's wrong with this country. Bobo said they're just jealous of his life. Howard said that people are saying that he claims that he did so well in his life but he was just a driving instructor. Bobo said he did well for someone who didn't have college. Howard read one that said ''Bobo on, radio off.'' Howard said someone wrote in about how wrong he was about something but he was right about Hanzi.
Bobo said that these people are really jealous and they don't have anything to say. He said they're just jealous of him. He said that's it, case closed.
Bobo said that they were talking about Jimmy Kimmel and he wants to hear more about that party. Howard said Jimmy had two different mixed drinks that they had in a keg. He said Jimmy had a bar and the mixed drinks. Howard said they last for like a month. Howard said they had dinner and some hors d'oeuvres. He said they had some good food. Robin asked if it was a sit down dinner or a buffet. Howard said it was a sit down. Howard said he loves Jimmy and Molly. He said they kept Jane away. He said they know he doesn't want to be around kids. Howard said he knows the kid was in the other room but they were just showing him pictures of her. Howard said he would have liked to have met Jane. He said he has met Jimmy's other kids.
Bobo asked who else was there that was hot. Howard said everyone there was hot. Howard said you have to be hot. He said he saw Mary McCormack there. He said he saw people but he's not sure who doesn't want to be mentioned. Howard said that he saw Johnny Knoxville too. He said his real name is P.J.. He said he hasn't made the move to calling him that though. He said he's been around him like 10 times and he still hasn't made that move. Howard said he's never asked him to call him P.J. though. He said he just calls him Johnny. Howard said he's not sure who doesn't want to be mentioned so he won't say who else was there.
Robin said she would mention everyone. Howard said maybe he will then. Howard said Courteney Cox was there with her boyfriend Johnny from the band Snow Patrol.
Bobo asked if Jimmy's family was there. Howard said they weren't there. He said Jimmy is really close to them though.
Bobo said that he also wanted to mention that Gary's dog Murphy died. Howard said Murphy got cancer and he was shelling out big bucks to keep him alive. Howard said that the dog just went to the doctor and he was really doing well. He was gaining weight and everything. He said one morning Gary went to check on the dog and he was dead. Gary thought he was just sleeping. Gary said he had a heart attack. He said they had just gone to the vet around 2 and he was dead by 2:45. Gary said that the room he died in had a camera in it. He said he was able to watch the dog dying. He said the dog got up and he shook and just fell down. He said he was glad he didn't suffer. He said they found the dog about 12 minutes after he died. Gary said they miss the dog like crazy. He said they thought maybe he'd live through the summer but that was about it.
Gary said Howard and Beth gave him a statue of Murphy and it's in the yard. He said he has a picture of Murphy standing next to the statue. Gary said he's going to put the ashes under the statue. Howard said he's sorry about his loss. He let Bobo go and played him out with a theme song. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that was President Obama trying to get his own, private booth at a sex booth place. Howard said Barry Manilow announced that he's gay while they were away. Howard said that was a shocker. Robin told him to stop it. Howard said that inspired some songs. Howard played some song parodies that the guys created about Barry to the tune of his songs.
Howard said there's a bunch of Bruce Jenner songs coming in as well. Howard played one from Eli Braden. Howard said he has a ton of Robin songs too. He said they took a break to make those other ones though.
Robin wondered if Barry Manilow had to announce that he was gay. Howard said he may have thought people thought he was straight. Howard said he never talked about it. Robin said he used to say he was straight. Howard said he met him at a party years ago and he was with Lorna Luft at the time. Howard said he was a nice guy and everything but he never thought he was straight. Robin said she knew it even when he denied it. Robin said his songs would turn people gay.
Howard took a call from Hanzi and told him to just make his statement and not take up the whole show. Hanzi asked why he does that to him. Howard said Hanzi's problem is that he argues with him the whole time. He said he should just get right into it. Howard played an Imran Khan theme song about Hanzi by Daniel Mendelson. Howard said that was beautiful.
Hanzi said Daredevil is amazing. Howard said he can't wait to see it. Hanzi said they are going to have a Hanzi impression contest and he's not going to get anything out of it. Howard said he's not going to do it then. Howard said he just got his wish. Howard said he probably loved that they were going to do it but now he's just telling him to fuck off. Hanzi said he didn't get to explain what he wanted to say. Howard said goodbye to him but didn't hang up. Hanzi kept telling him to hold on.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he wants to break his radio when Hanzi is on. He said he can't stand him. Hanzi said he hopes he gets AIDS and dies. The caller said that means a lot coming from a psychopath. Hanzi said the guy is talking to two psychopaths right now. Howard said he had to go. He finally hung up on Hanzi a few seconds later.
Wolfie said that his friend says that you're called a ''Lucky Pierre'' if you're in the middle of two gay guys and that's what his friend ended up calling him.
Howard played some of Wolfie's questions for George and George's answers. Howard said George kept laughing at his own answers. Howard said Wolfie was asking him all sex questions. He said no wonder he was so worked up. Wolfie asked George if he would like to have sex with Aquaman or Superman more. George laughed. George said that he wants to see just how super Superman is. He laughed again. Howard said George thought Wolfie was flirting with him. All of Wolfie's questions were about who George would rather have sex with. At one point George said he'd rather have sex with Wolfie.
Howard said George is impressive. He said he's almost 80 years old and he still acts like a young man. Wolfie asked what he would do if George put his hand on his ass. Howard said he would have freaked out. Howard said what he'd actually do is cum in his pants. Wolfie said it didn't seem like it was the first time he had ever done that.
Howard played more of Wolfie's interviews with George. Wolfie asked him if he would rather have sex with Yoda or Chewbacca. George said he would like to see what kind of penis Yoda has under that cloak. Howard let Wolfie go after that.
Howard said it's such a horrible thing to be gay and have to marry a woman because people are pressuring you. Howard said good for Barry Manilow getting married to a dude. Howard said no one thought he was straight. Robin said that Barry was married to a woman for 18 months. Howard said Elton John did that too.
Howard said it's so sad that people can't just get past that whole thing. Howard said that he has to play some Pastor Manning clips.
Howard picked up on Marianne and she said that Howard says ''intoxicating'' a lot and she thinks Sal should put a list together of things that he finds intoxicating. Howard said he didn't know he said it so much. Marianne said he says it a lot. Howard said he gets annoyed tweeters when he says things a lot. Howard said he used to say things that people would get upset with. Howard said then he'd become aware of it because of people tweeting him. Howard said he has to stop reading his twitter. Marianne asked if he'll have Sal make a list. Howard said sure. He said they never will but he'll say they will.
Howard said Benjy was friends with Marianne but then she got a good job and dropped her. Benjy said she was mean to his girlfriend. Howard said Benjy was on Elisa's podcast thing again. Howard said Benjy was posting stuff on Twitter and taking it down a half hour later. Howard said he was doing that a lot. Benjy said he wants to get it out but not stay out.
Howard asked if Elisa is dating Gonzo Shitcock. Benjy said he doesn't live here. Howard said he assumed he wasn't a good looking guy. Benjy said she's really into him but she's into him because she loves his name because she loves the Muppets. Howard said his other name is ''shitcock'' though. Benjy said they've never even met. Howard said it's all bullshit then.
Benjy said he's not dating yet but he is talking to women about it. Howard played some audio from Elisa's podcast where she was talking to Benjy. Howard said this isn't going to be a real show. He said she thinks it is. Benjy said she made $1,000 last week. He said she also did a commercial for ABC Family recently. Howard said that's something then.
Howard replayed the audio of Benjy talking to Elisa about supporting her and how she's always asking for more money and help. Benjy said that he has to stop doing that because it's enabling her. Howard said he brings that stuff up on her show but when he asks about it he says she's doing great. Howard said Benjy is fucking weird. Benjy said he's being genuine. Howard said he is being genuine on her show. Howard said he is so annoying. Benjy said he loves her but he's mad at her. Howard said that she's not living within her budget and Benjy is giving her more money. Benjy said he's paying her rent for the year. Howard said Benjy isn't a millionaire. Benjy said it's a large chunk of his salary. Benjy said he's going to fulfill that because he promised her that.
Benjy posted something about Elisa asking for wee-wee pads for her dog and that led to Howard telling him that the dog is never going to learn to go outside if you use those pads. Howard said you don't want that. Howard said she must miss the pads at times. Benjy said it's not that big of a deal to them. Howard it's a big deal if you bring the dog to someone's house and it pisses on their floor.
Gary asked Benjy how the money thing works. Benjy said he gave Elisa money for the year and she spent it really quickly. He said she was spending it on presents for her family. Howard said he should dole it out on a monthly basis. Benjy said he wanted her to learn how to handle the money. He said she has to learn to be responsible with her money. Howard said he heard that she spent money on another dude with his money. Benjy said that the guy is just about homeless and works on the show. She just helped him. Howard said it was with his money though. Benjy said there's no money left now though.
Howard played another clip of Benjy and Elisa talking on her show. Benjy was talking about spending the money on this guy Ryan who is on YouTube. She sent him a Kermit doll. Howard said she used his money. In the clip Benjy was saying that Elisa is irresponsible with her money. Then there was a clip of Elisa singing a song about Gonzo Shitcock.
Howard said Benjy is being cuckolded. Howard said how about her taste in men. It's Benjy and Gonzo Shitcock. Howard said this is the sickest thing ever. He said that she's singing about Gonzo. He said she should be fucking one of the Knicks or something. Howard asked if Benjy paid for that keyboard she's playing. Benjy said probably. Howard said that song is horrible too. Benjy said he heard it after it was redone and it was great. JD came in and talked about how she's singing about how she wants to fuck Gonzo in the song. She was talking about how she doesn't want him to break her heart. Howard said this is the guy who used to bust Eric the Actor's balls and that's how he got famous. Benjy said he is kind of pissed off at her about that song.
JD said that both of them are out of their minds. Benjy said he could get her back if he wanted to. He said he wants her to become a responsible adult. Howard said like Benjy is so responsible. Benjy said she has to be responsible with her money. Howard said maybe he should take a break. Benjy said now that money isn't an issue it's been nice. He said they ended up making out and he didn't have to pretend to be Gonzo. Howard said he doesn't get it. Benjy said he is single now. Howard told him to tell the truth and asked if he has gone out with anyone. Benjy said he has not. He said part of that is because he feels fat and he feels like it's ending it with Elisa. Robin said he can't make that clean break. Howard said he can't get over how hot she is. Benjy said it's not that. He said the other girls aren't like her. Howard said he's not going to find another woman like her. Robin said he has to go out and get some stank on his hang low.
Howard said on Sternthology this week they have Hall of Fame Week going on. Howard said they have Marky Ramone hosting the special. Howard also said that Louis C.K. is going to be in later this week.
Howard and Benjy spent another minute talking about Elisa. Howard said she is really hot. Benjy said it's not all about looks. Benjy told Howard that she's gotten really good in two weeks with her show ''Kermit and Friends'' and she's already done 50 shows on Spreecast. Howard had Fred bring them to break after that.
Howard said Pat St. John is doing his final radio show on Sunday. Howard said he was on the air for 42 years. Howard said that Pat worked at K-Rock. Gary said he's there at Sirius too. Howard asked if Tony Pig is still around. Gary said he still hears his voice. Howard said he got to work with the guy. He said Jim Kerr is still on the air too. Howard said he comes in for 15-20 minutes and cuts a whole week of shows. Howard said that's the job to have. Howard said Pat and Jim have that smooth voice. Howard said they have like shows they do. Howard said Pat must be making good money.
Howard read an article about Pat doing his final show on CBS FM. Howard said the article was by David Hinckley. Howard wondered why he would retire from doing a 3 hour show. Gary said he was reading that he's still doing the show at Sirius. Howard read more of the article and they talk about how he's a grandpa and he's moving to San Diego. Howard said he wants to be one of the guys. Gary said that Shuli told him that he's one of the cool guys to hang out smoking with. Howard asked why Shuli would smoke. He has a wife and kids. Shuli said that's why he smokes.
Howard asked who the least cool is to smoke with. Scott the Engineer came up. Shuli said that he enjoys watching Scott smoke. He said he tries to sneak two in. He said every now and then he does that. Howard asked how often he goes down to smoke. Shuli said he goes down like once a day. He said he's in a different area now so he doesn't see him. He said that it's great to watch him smoke though. Howard said Scott has COPD and he still smokes. Howard said that he isn't like Leonard Nimoy at all. He doesn't prosper and he won't live long.
Howard said smoking is the worst death. He said he has to quit. Shuli said he has tried all kinds of things but he can't do it. Howard said he has to just quit.
Shuli brought up Benjy and they started to get into a discussion about Elisa again but Howard cut off Benjy's mic and got back to the Underdog thing.
Shuli told Howard he called Underdog Lady (Suzanne Muldowney) on Good Friday. Howard played the clip of Shuli talking to Underdog and she was upset because it was Good Friday which was the day Jesus was executed. Howard said you'd think that she was there the way she's acting. Howard said he was crying on Good Friday too. He had to spend it at AGT.
Howard said he thinks that Underdog is in love with Shuli. Shuli said he does plan on going out to see her. He said this is his backup plan.
Howard played the audio and Underdog was crying about how she was made fun of in school. Howard said he'd love to see his psychiatrist try to deal with her. Howard said if she walks in what is he going to do? Shuli said she doesn't have any connection to the internet in her house. Howard played more of the audio and Underdog was talking about the discourteous students who made fun of her. Howard said she blames him for being made fun of but she was being made fun of before he ever met her.
Shuli said that she sings a song about Jesus to him in this clip too. Howard let that play and Underdog broke into this song about Jesus. Howard said she sounds so depressed. He said he feels like he's on the cross with Jesus. Shuli said she has a bunch of random stuffed cats at her house. He said this is one of the main reasons he wants to go there to see that. Howard said she can't have a cat because she was scratched by one and got sick. Shuli said she had to have part of her colon removed because of that.
Howard played more of Underdog singing and Shuli was trying to sing along with her in the clip. Howard said Shuli is worse than her. Shuli said that they should start a band. Underdog said they need more than just two people. Howard said there you go.
Howard said that was Shuli's fantastic phone call to Underdog. Howard said he can't call her because he's an asshole apparently. Shuli said tears pour out of this woman when you bring up his name.
Howard said Wendy the Slow Adult won $1,000 in the lottery. He said he thinks she thinks it's a million. Howard said she texts them and tells them that she won. Howard said she wrote that she eats KFC for dinner and ''brefsat''. Howard said that she's telling them all about the food she eats. Howard said Gary told him that Wendy is upset with Beth for marrying him because she's keeping him from giving her money. Howard asked who writes the texts for her. Gary said he thinks she writes them herself.
Howard said Jimmy Kimmel told him that his favorite Wack Packer is Wendy. Howard said that Jimmy loves that she goes along with it when he asks her questions and she goes along with anything he says.
Howard read more texts from Wendy and she had one of her hand scratching off a lottery ticket. Her fingernails were all dirty. Gary came in and read Howard a note she sent him and it was hard to decipher. He said he thinks that she's saying that the money he used to give to her is going to the North Shore Animal League. Howard said maybe they can let her live in the building they're trying to build. Shuli said he saw Beetlejuice trying to text someone once and he looked at his phone to see what was on there. He said it looked like a cat walked across a keyboard. He wasn't actually texting anyone.
Shuli said that Beet was getting taken advantage of so much. He said that people will sell him anything. He said he bought a pair of shoes and the guy sold him shoe cleaner for the inside of the shoes. Robin asked what is wrong with people. Howard said that's fucking cold. Shuli said Beet wandered off one day and showed up with a tattoo of Howard on him.
Shuli said Beet lives with his mother now. He said they were late one day and Beet showed up with a shopping bag with ice and a fish in it. He said it looked like a fish he plucked out of a river. He said Beet said he shit himself and he had to change. He said he wanted to put the shitty underwear in the suitcase and bring it back home. Shuli said he didn't let him do that. He threw it down an incinerator chute at the hotel.
Howard said Yucko the Clown has a cartoon that got canceled on Comedy Central. Howard said they hired Eric the Actor to do a voice on the show and they didn't use his voice in the track. He said the voice is done by Yucko. Howard played a clip from the show where Yucko took the voice. Howard said that Eric must have done so horrible they couldn't use them. Howard asked why they wouldn't use them. Howard asked how bad it could have been. Howard played another clip and said he has no idea what they're talking about. Howard said he can't follow it. He said he can't follow The Simpsons. He said Tom Chiusano loved that show and watched every episode. Howard said he gave him a DVD with a bunch of episodes on it. He said he threw it right in the garbage. Howard said Tom wanted him to watch it to bond with him but he didn't do it. Howard said he doesn't want to watch cartoons. He said he's not 7. Howard said he had to take another break but he has other clips to play.
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston who asked if he would want someone to take over for him if he leaves. Howard said this is the Howard Stern Show so there is no replacement for him. He said that it's just him. He said it's the Howard Stern Show and that's it. Mark said Howard has talked about continuing the show if he died. Howard said it can't continue without him. Howard said AGT can continue but this is the Howard Stern show. He told him to get off his phone. Howard said if he retires he'll bring in David Lee Roth of course.
Howard asked Benjy what he's going to do if Gonzo fucks Elisa. Benjy said it's fine. Howard got pissed when he saw someone on his computer. Howard said he just needs to know who is linked to his computer. Benjy said he has an idea. Howard said he just wants to know who went to theme songs for callers 3. Gary said no one is admitting it. Gary said this has been going on for years and no one can find an answer. Howard said people yell out Fafa Fooey and Baba Booey out in Los Angeles.
Howard took a call from Pete in Pittsburgh who asked if he can fuck Elisa. Benjy asked if he has ever had a girlfriend. Pete said he has. Benjy asked if she has ever gone on to anyone else. Howard said it will suck if a listener gets her.
Pete told Benjy to tell Howard what he did on Friday night. Pete said Benjy went over to her apartment and banged on her door until she wanted to call the cops. Benjy said he left flowers for her and she didn't know it was him at the door. Howard said if Benjy stayed home every day and talked on a microphone he'd have 50 shows under his belt. Howard said if you want 50 shows that's how you do it. Benjy said he's saying the show sucks. Howard said he never said that. Howard said he talks into a mic and gets paid zillions of dollars. He said Elisa is doing it for nothing. Benjy said this is how you start out. Howard said there's no money in podcasting. Benjy said she's trying to create something. Howard said everyone else is doing it and there is no money in it.
Pete told Howard that Elisa had Stuttering John on the show the other day. He said it's all people related to the show. He said she must be blackmailing Benjy. Benjy said that's ridiculous.
Shuli asked Pete a question but Pete said he doesn't talk to him. He said he should have been out of the studio 15 minutes ago. Shuli said all Pete does is attach himself to people on the show and tries to get on. The two of them went at each other for a minute. Shuli said Pete lives with his parents. He said he doesn't do anything. Pete said he's going to beat his ass. Shuli said that Howard yelled at him for going off on Pete one day. He said he didn't attack him physically. He said he didn't like what he said about his wife. Pete said his wife looks like a man. Howard said he can't put up with stuff like that.
Howard said Shuli wanted to know if he has Elisa's personal number. Pete said he does. Benjy asked if he can have it. Howard let Pete go a short time later. Howard said he didn't know he lived in a basement. Shuli said he prides himself on being the best phone caller but he just makes shit up. Howard said he is pretty good though. Benjy said he is good at talking and mixing it up on the radio. Howard said someone is going to fuck Elisa and wouldn't Benjy rather have it not be someone from the show. Benjy said that Elisa is idealizing someone who she doesn't know. Howard said that she's singing songs about Gonzo and that would really mess with his head. Benjy said he's just some guy though. Howard said he really has to take a break. He said it's enough of that. Howard said this is a crazy morning. Robin said she is amazed. Howard asked Shuli when he's going to Underdog's house. Shuli said he's working on it and they're going to go on a Friday and then go to a parade with her.
Shuli said he went to a strip club to see Nicole Bass. He said that she got topless there. He said that she's with a guy now and they look like twins. He said the guy told him that he's been confused for Nicole. Howard asked if there are pictures. Shuli said there are. Howard read a note that said ''the pictures are horrific.'' Howard said he has to show them to Robin. Howard kept saying ''Oh my god'' over and over again. Howard said Robin has to see them. Robin let out an ''Ohhh!'' too. Robin said she's glad to see her getting back in shape. Howard asked if people were tipping her. Shuli said they were tipping her. Howard went to break a short time later.
Benjy said he ran into the real Perez in Central Park and he didn't look thrilled to see him. He said that he was with his kid at the time though. Howard asked Benjy how much weight he's lost. Benjy said he lost 15 pounds. He said he's been working out every day.
Howard played Robin into her news with a song parody to the tune of a Barry Manilow song. Robin started her news talking about how Barry Manilow married his long time manager. Robin said that must mean his gay. Howard said it's funny that he was in the closet but he claims he just doesn't talk about it. Howard said he thinks it's cool that he married a guy and he's still not out of the closet.
Robin read about how Eddie Murphy is going to be honored by the Kennedy Center Honors. Robin said that Tina Fey, Will Ferrell and others have the award so Eddie deserves it too. Howard said they must be preparing for his award soon too. Howard asked who deserves it more than him. Howard said he's been on radio for like 40 years now. Howard went into his Ted Kennedy impression for a minute during that discussion.
Robin read a story about this guy who is writing a book and he's outing a lot of people in history who he says are gay. Robin said once you're dead everyone is gay. Robin read about some of the people he claims were gay like George Washington, Richard Nixon and Abraham Lincoln. Howard said he hopes they were gay. Howard said this whole nonsense about religions coming out against gay people is just wrong. Howard said Pat Robertson has a TV empire and he reaches a lot of fucking maniacs. Howard said he's on there with all of his anti-gay shit. Howard played a clip of Robertson talking about how the gays are going to get it and you're going to conform to them. He said they will make you like anal sex and that will lead to more than homosexuality. He said that they will legalize sex with animals next. Howard said Pat Robertson talks way more about sex than he does. Howard said he doesn't understand what he's talking about. He played more of Robertson's ramblings and goofed on some of the things he was saying.
Howard said Pastor Manning also went nuts. Howard played some audio of Pastor Manning going nuts over homosexuality. He was talking about how he was tempted with homosexuality in jail but he didn't do it. He was yelling about homosexuality and how there is no life that comes out of the rectum. He said it's designed for one purpose and that is getting rid of waste.
Robin read a story about a man who wants to get his head transplanted on another body. Robin said the man thinks this will extend his life. Robin said they will have about 150 doctors and nurses involved in the surgery. Robin said it's scheduled to be performed 2 yeas from now. Howard said he thinks that's cool. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a 65 year old woman who is pregnant with quintuplets. Robin said she has given birth to like 13 kids.
Robin read a story the MTV movie awards that were on last night. Robin had some clips from the show with Amy Schumer hosting. Amy joked about Kevin Hart in one clip. Robin said she watched the Justin Bieber roast that Kevin hosted and she thought it was very funny. Howard said he heard they didn't have big ratings but there were a couple million. He said the other roasts must have and higher ratings. Robin had some audio of Shailene Woodley accepting some of her awards at the show last night. Robin had audio of Robert Downey Jr. too. Howard said he had a surprise birthday party out in L.A. but he had to work. He said he did cut a video for him though. Robin read about Bradley Cooper and how he's back together with his girlfriend now. Robin had some audio of Bradley accepting his award at the MTV awards. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Al Sharpton going to South Carolina where there was another police shooting. Robin said he made some comments there so she had audio of that. They played the audio of Sharpton talking about the shooting and how happy he is that the video was released. Robin said that Ray Kelly has changed his mind about having cameras mounted on police to show their every move because of that shooting. Robin said he is now for it. Howard said every person should be made to wear one.
Howard asked if Robin got one of those Apple watches. Howard said he doesn't care about it. Robin said they have over 1 million pre-orders for it. Howard said he doesn't want it. Robin said she's on a wait and see mode. Howard said he doesn't want one because of the radio waves that will be flowing into his arm. Robin said she's not ready for all of that. Howard said he's not either.
Robin said Saturday Night Live opened up the show with a Hillary Clinton skit. Robin had some audio from that. She said that Darrell Hammond was in that sketch as Bill Clinton. Robin also talked about Hillary's announcement that she's running for President. Robin had some audio of a message she released. She had some audio responses from some politicians. Howard had a commercial parody for Jeb Bush's campaign that he played. He did another live commercial read a short time later.
Robin read a story about a 2 year old boy who fell into a cheetah pen at the Cleveland zoo. Robin said the kid's mother was holding him over the fence that protects people from falling in. Robin had some audio of an official talking about what happened. Robin said the cheetahs never approached the child.
Robin said a 1 year old child was shot by another child in Cleveland. She had some audio of someone commenting on that story. Robin said the shooter was a 3 year old boy.
Robin read a story about a 3 year old who ordered a juice at a Benihana restaurant but the child received a mixed drink instead. Robin had audio of the mother talking about how her daughter passed out after a sip of the drink.
Robin read about Dzhokhar Tsarnaev and how he will be sentenced later this month after being found guilty in the Boston bombing.
Robin read a story Bill Maher talking about Zayn Malik and asking where he was during the Boston bombing. Robin said Bill got into some trouble over that. Robin said he had to explain that joke. Bill said he was just saying that they look similar.
Robin read a story about Game of Thrones debuting last night but 4 episodes were leaked online. Robin said this group had the first four episodes and they leaked them. Robin said she's sure HBO isn't happy about that. Howard said it hurts them when they release stuff like that. Howard said some maniac put out a video teaching you the Dothraki language. Howard played some clips of that.
Howard had Sour Shoes on the line doing an impression of Pat St. John. Sour was doing that and making all kinds of other noises as he was on the phone. Howard said Jimmy Fink was his favorite. Gary said Jimmy is still on the air on a station in Westchester. Gary said it might be his old station. Howard asked if it was 107. Gary said it is. Sour kept playing songs as Howard was talking about Pat St. John and guys like him. Howard asked where Baba Booey is. Sour broke into that impression and did his Gary for a few seconds. Robin said no one else does a Gary impression. Sour was doing the Gary impression and an announcer impression. He did his Mad Dog Russo impression and a Scott Shannon impression too. Sour did a Mike Francesa impression with the Mad Dog impression. Howard got him doing his Steve Langford impression for a second too. Howard said that phony phone call might be the best of all time when they called Steve with the Sour Shoes clips. Sour said that Steve is on CBS news now. Howard did his Steve impression and Sour did bits of that phony phone call as Howard did that. Howard let him go a short time later.
Robin read a story about a 73 year old reserve deputy shooting a man. Robin had audio from the shooting that was on a body cam. Robin said the African American man died but it appears the 73 year old thought he had a tazer but pulled a gun instead. In the clip the man can be heard saying ''sorry'' after the gun goes off.
Robin read a story about a 34 year old man who was talking about wanting to join ISIS. Robin said that he came back from Turkey and he was arrested. Robin said that the Furious 7 movie has made $800 million already. Robin also quickly mentioned that Cynthia Lennon has died. Howard said they had her on a few times. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Jon played a ''What You Need to Know'' about today's show. He said they have a poll up about David Arquette today. He asked Rahsaan what that is. Rahsaan said they're asking ''Should David Arquette be our first Celebrity Wack Packer?''
Jon asked Harlan if David could be their first celebrity in the Wack Pack. Harlan said he's not sure you can put someone who has had sex with Courteney Cox in that group. Jon said he is a successful actor. Jon said he's curious about how the audience is going to respond to that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he was so happy to hear Sour Shoes call in today. He said it's like hearing 6 or 7 people in the room at once. He asked what they can do to work him into the show more. Jon said he's not sure but he was listening to him today and he has a talent that's very hard to harness. Jon said if you hear Sour for an hour does it have that power. Harlan said he thinks less is more in this case. Jon said that's what makes it great when Howard does pick up on him. The caller said that his call in show was kind of disorganized. He said he wants to know if they can put him in a room with Richard and Sal and have him do something like they did with Steve Langford. Jon said they're going to work on that and see how they can work him into the show more. They went to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that nothing gets to him more than Howard bitching about how bad his life is when he's flying in a private jet. He said he's a driver himself and he has to work another job when he has vacation. He said Howard wasn't complaining nearly as much as he thought he would be today. Jon said that if Howard is working 18 hour days in L.A. He does get some off time but he wonders what he's done. He said when Howard gets into that show he really enjoys himself.
Jon said thankfully Howard didn't take it out on them today. He said he did take it out a little bit on Benjy today though. He said Howard was on Benjy's side in the argument and Benjy was arguing with him. Harlan said this is the most dysfunctional relationship ever. He asked if Benjy really buys that the way to make her responsible is to give her money and break up with her. Jon said it reminds him of a friend you have who doesn't get it and you just can't get through to him. Jon said Elisa is singing songs about another guy and Benjy just can't move on. Harlan said he has that song stuck in his head now too.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she thinks Benjy is giving Elisa money to keep tabs on her for the next year. She said she knows that she's a pathological liar and half the stuff she says isn't true. She said that Elisa has beat Benjy at his own game.
Jon asked Harlan what he thinks. Harlan said the relationship is mesmerizing. He said that he keeps saying that he broke up with her but it doesn't seem that they have.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he tuned into Elisa's podcast. He asked if Jon has tried to watch it. Jon said he has. The caller said she's a beautiful woman but to follow her train of thought is maddening. He said he feels bad for Benjy. He said he doesn't get what's going on there. Jon said he had a tough time staying with it but it's 7 hours long so anyone would have that problem. Jon said Howard says Benjy is in it for her looks but Benjy denies that. Harlan said it has to be about the looks.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Benjy has a history of anonymous sex and he thinks that Elisa is just abusing him. He said that Benjy is putting up with it. He said just imagine putting up with that. Jon said he wouldn't put up with it. Jon said there are two sides to the story too. He said that they don't know where the truth lies with them. The caller said based on what they say on her show it sounds like it's abusive. He said she makes Benjy out to be some kind of ogre. He said a woman can antagonize anger and that's what she's doing. Jon said he thinks it's on both ends but he can't judge it because he doesn't hear it all. Jon said he thinks they get off on that dysfunction though. They spent a minute on that and then went to break.
Jon said that Bobo was voted the worst caller of all time. Harlan said he thinks it's a talent though. He said it's not. Gary said another thing is that Bobo says Winter Springs is the 97th nicest place in the country to live but he's not sure how they come to that conclusion.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he hears all of these radio guys that Howard started in the business with retiring. He wondered if that will affect Howard's plans. Gary said he doesn't think it will. He said the only thing they have in common is that they're on radio. He said they're doing completely different things. Gary said Howard isn't just playing records. Jon said Letterman is also stopping. Gary said Letterman is a little older too. Gary said if Howard signs another contract he'd be just short of his 62nd birthday. Gary said he doesn't seem to be done yet. He said he could sign on to do a few more years.
Jon asked how Gary thinks Sal will do if Howard does retire. Gary said he thinks Sal has things under control at home. Gary said that Sal crying was about finding another job and not about how he can never work again. Jon said he thinks there will be tears from Sal no matter what.
Gary asked if Jon thinks that if they did end the show and they did a final show, would everyone cry. Jon said he thinks Gary, Robin, Howard, Richard and Sal will cry but not Fred. He said Howard may just tear up. Gary said he has been doing this show longer than he hasn't been doing it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Bobo was really pissing him off. He said he wants to know what they think about Bobo's claims that he's talented. Jon said he thinks Harlan made some points about that. Gary said he's not sure he's talented but he has called on a regular basis and Howard keeps picking up his calls. Gary said he has a legacy on the show but that may not be a talent.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Bobo makes his blood boil. He said that he can't believe he's even calling a show about this. He said that he's not sure what Bobo thinks they're all jealous of. Gary said that Bobo thinks they're jealous that he's retired at a young age and he can call in every day because of that. The caller said he thinks he's talking about being jealous of how close he is to the show. He said Bobo is a walking delusion. Gary said Bobo is closer to Howard in one way because he wasn't at the hospital when his first child was born like Bobo was.
Jon said Bobo says he does bring up things that other callers don't. Harlan said he's like the bad guy wrestler who says things just to piss you off.
Jon took a call from a guy who said they have to figure out a way to get Sour Shoes on the show. Gary said he is one of his favorites and he just left him an impression of Artie that had him cracking up. He said it's not easy to get that into the show. Jon said he is one of the most talented people on Howard 100 or 101. Harlan said he has so many impressions that he squeezes in within that short time he is on.
Jon said the poll today was about David Arquette being the first celebrity Wack Packer. Gary said he doesn't think he is one. He said he still gets work and he's a pretty good actor too.
Jon asked Rahsaan what the poll results were. Rahsaan said that 54 percent said yes, David should be. 28 percent said no and 18 percent said they already thought he was.
Jon got in a plug for today's Sternthology and Gary gave Marky Ramone a plug for his pasta sauce that's really good. Gary also thanked everyone who gave their condolences for his dog, Murphy, dying. Gary said they really do miss him. Jon said he thought he'd be more broken up about it. Gary said that it happened on Tuesday last week so he's more together about it. He said Mary was really upset. Jon said their hearts go out to him and the whole family. They ended the show after that. They were done around 11:50am.
Howard started the show talking about how exhausted he is. He said he went to Los Angeles and it fucked him up so bad. He said he's been up since 3 this morning. He said that L.A. time isn't for him. He said it wouldn't be so bad if he had some days to get some sleep. He said they have early hours though. Howard said he wants to do AGT in New York. He said he told them that. Robin said she thought they were supposed to bring the talent to him. Howard said everything just makes him fucking nuts. Robin said that is true and he has to calm down. Howard said he has all of this therapy and it doesn't help. He said he's not fixed. He said his shrink says he has to fix himself but he can't.
Howard said he gets calls to be on all of the late night shows. He said Letterman's people called and asked if he wanted to be a part of the final shows. Howard said of course he does. He said he gets stressed out by that though. Howard said he would do Dave's show once in a while because he likes Dave. He said he is there in New York so that helps. Howard said he said yes and they told him not to say anything. He said he was quiet about it. He said he's not on the last show, he's on two weeks before the show ends. Howard said then they press release it that he's one of the people who will be on. Howard said they have quite an extraordinary list of guests. Howard said he read the Daily News today about who will be on the last couple of weeks. Howard said in the NY Post they took his name out of it. Howard said he's not sure why. Howard said it looks like it was an AP reporter who did it. Howard said she must hate him or something. Howard said she went out of her way to take his name out of it. Howard said he obsesses on stuff like that. It makes him angry. He said he's not sure why he cares though. Robin said he has an overly sensitive nature. Howard said that's right.
Howard said David Hinckley made a top 10 list of guests on the Letterman show and he's not in it. Howard said he thinks he should be though. Howard said he cares and that's the dumb thing. Howard said he will go on Letterman's last shows. Howard said Dave had Al Franken on his show. Howard said Al is so smart. He said he knows everything that Letterman asks him about. He said he really cares about being a senator. Howard said he would vote for the guy if he ran for President. Howard said he should want to run. Howard said he wanted to be number 1 and that's what every politician dreams of.
Howard said Hillary is in the right position to run. He said she is the most experienced out of all of them except Jeb Bush. Howard said most of the people who are announcing they're running only have a few years experience. Howard said if Hillary plays that up she could get it. Howard said these days people love idiots. Howard said people love you for being a renegade. Robin said she started her campaign at Chipotle. Howard said that's to show she's a regular person.
Howard said Hillary should use her experience to get her nomination. Robin said she heard she's going to use the fact that she's a woman to get it. Howard said he can't vote republican because of the right wing severe religious fanatics. He said that's what causes them to lose. He said they have to appease the Jerry Fallwell people out there. Howard said he loves hearing Al Gore talking about climate change and then the right wing comes out and says it doesn't exist. Howard said they're all against science. Howard said they're against abortions too. Howard said they don't want to see anyone happy. He said they're against the gays too. Howard said you have to drop the right wing fanatics if you want to win.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw that he's going to be on Letterman. He said he was watching Martin Short flying around on stage. He asked if he's going to do anything crazy. Howard said he's just going to sit down and tell Dave what he means to him. He said that some of the guys on late night are doing a great job getting into real discussions with people. He said that he was on Jimmy Fallon's last show and they asked him to do some crazy stuff. He said he doesn't want to dance the Cha-Cha unless it's not planned out. He said he doesn't want to be in a sketch. Howard said Dave is a big deal in his life and he wants to go on and tell him what he means to him. Howard said he is brilliant and he changed the game on Johnny Carson. Howard said he reinvented it. Howard said he has to pay homage to that.
The caller asked what he thinks Dave will do when he retires. Howard said Dave will do nothing. He said he'll stare at a wall. Howard said he had dinner with someone who knew Johnny Carson and he used to have people over to play tennis or cards. Robin said she knew about that stuff. Robin said she thought as he got older he stopped doing that. Howard said Dave will just sit and mope. Howard said Dave may pop up on some shows once in a while. Howard said he may ask Dave to come on his channel and do a show from his basement. Howard said he'd like him to do a half hour a week or something. Howard said he seems to like being a dad. Howard said
Howard took a call from Monotone Matt who asked if there is anyone in his life who died that he still jerks off to. Howard said he thought he said ''dad'' instead of died. Howard said there is one girl who died that he knew of that he used to bang. Howard said she was so hot and sexual. Howard said he does think about her. Howard said he thought he'd stop jerking off to her. Howard said every man has an inventory in their heads. He said that if they're alone and want to jerk off they have that inventory to go through. Howard said you don't have porn and you jerk off to something in your head. Howard said this girl is in his rotation. Howard said they had a crazy affair for a few weeks. Howard said it was crazy. Howard said she'd do shit to her nipples and she was super hot. Robin said this was from when he wasn't married. Howard said that's right. Howard said she did die. Howard said they had a thing for a short time. Matt asked if he has seen anyone in porn who looks like her. Howard said no.
Howard said he thinks about the crazy times they had. Howard said when she died he thought about it but it hasn't stopped from entering his head. Howard said it bothers him for about a second that she's dead. Howard said there's no better way to honor her memory than by jerking off to her. Howard said he didn't think he would do that but he did.
Howard asked Matt if he's getting anything off his wife. Matt said he's not even asking. He said he doesn't want to impose upon her. Howard said Matt's wife is ill and she can't do it. She's also a little person. Matt said she's 4'5'' tall. Matt said she's a basketball player of little people. He said she's in proportion though so she's not a dwarf. Howard asked if she's a midget even though that's not the right thing to say.
Matt said that his wife is there but he's all over the apartment. Howard asked if she has those thick legs like Peter Dinklage or something. Matt said yeah. Howard said that she's 4'5'' tall and the little person thing starts at 4'10'' tall. Matt said she is in proportion.
Howard asked when they last had sexual contact. Matt said he had his balls licked after they helped but he hasn't had fucking for years. He said she has all sorts of medical issues. Howard asked how old she is. Matt said she's 31. Howard said he figured she's weird out by Matt and she just won't fuck him. Matt laughed and said that's not it.
Howard asked if Matt gets paid to help her out. Matt said he does. He said that she pays him to take care of her. Howard said it's like they're paying him since it's the government. Howard said he's watching House of Cards and the president is trying to take away entitlements. Howard told Robin not to ruin anything for him about the show. Robin said she's not. She was just telling him the name of the program.
Howard asked Yucko about why they didn't use Eric the Actor's voice in the cartoon. He said they did a recording session with him but Yucko ended up doing the voice. Howard said it would have been funnier with Eric doing it. Yucko said they said they heard some banging around in the recording. He said they were going to re-record it the next day but then Eric died. Howard played the Eric recordings and he didn't hear any banging around. Yucko said there was a ''gonk.'' Howard and Fred did their impressions of Orson Wells doing a recording session and the recording engineer hears a ''gonk'' so he stops the recording. Orson gets pissed about it. Howard asked Fred to play that clip. Fred found a clip that was 4 minutes long but he wasn't sure if it was the right one. In that clip Orson was getting upset with the engineer for correcting him on something he read.
Howard said that wasn't the gonk. Fred found the gonk clip and played that one next. The recording engineer asked to get one more take and Orson gets pissed at him. He asked who the hell he was and why he was asking for another one. That's when the engineer says he heard a slight ''gonk'' and Orson asked what that is. The engineer said it was a bang from outside.
Howard asked Yucko to never bring up gonk again. He said it took 7 minutes to explain it. Howard said Yucko's show got canceled so he's looking to take this show down.
Howard asked Yucko what he's going to do now. He said he was finally off the road. Yucko said he was making a good 200G's a year. He said he was a writer, executive producer and a voice actor. Howard said the only problem is that no one was watching it. Yucko said they had viewers, it was all about politics. He said that there was another studio involved and the network that aired it didn't really own it.
Howard said he can't believe he got caught up in an anti-clown politics thing. Howard asked what network it was on. Yucko said it was on Comedy Central. Yucko said there is one more on tonight on Comedy Central. Howard said maybe they had too many people doing voices. Howard said at least he has that great clown act to fall back on. Howard said all of the stand up places are begging him to come back. Yucko said he'll be at Chuckleheads in Fucktown Pennsylvania next week. He said he'll be at Mr. Shitty's comedy club too. Howard said he should write a script about something he knows like putting on a clown outfit and doing that act of his.
Howard asked what Brickleberry was about anyway. Yucko said that it was about park rangers. He said he had a buddy who was a ranger and that's where it came from. Howard told him to write about what he knows. He said he can write about not getting laid. Howard said he should remake that clown movie that Jerry Lewis made. Howard said he can lead all of the Jews into the ovens. He said that's a real upbeat film. Yucko said that will be his Schindler's List.
Howard asked if he got laid at all thanks to Brickleberry. Yucko said he did get his dick wet a couple of times. He said they sucked it too. Howard said he told him not to have Eric on. Yucko said the curse is real. Howard asked if Eric's estate still got paid. Yucko said of course he did.
Howard said he has to get going. He said it's all about politics. Howard asked him to give some plugs. Yucko said there is one final episode tonight on Comedy Central. He said the gun barrel in his mouth is really cold right now. Yucko said Shuli does a voice for the show in tonight's episode. Howard said they all think they're going to be Seth Macfarlane with their cartoons. Howard said they think they can pull off a Simpsons or Family Guy thing. Howard said he's trying to help Yucko. He said he has to write about something he knows about. He said he can write about how hard it is to get laid. Yucko said he can do that. Howard let Yucko go and Fred played Eric the Actor saying ''Nanu-nanu'' as they let him go.
Howard said he has a taste of High Pitch Eric's game. He said they asked him question about sex. They asked if he knows what a blow job is. Eric did know. Howard played his explanation. He said they asked him what the missionary position is. Eric thought that's when a guy fucks a woman in the ass. Howard said they asked him if he knows what incest is. Eric said it's when you have sex with a woman you burn incest and it makes a nice smell. Howard said that's what incest is to Eric. Howard said they will play more of that after the break.
Howard asked Brian about the lie he got in trouble for telling and Brian made it worse by saying he was flying the helicopter. Howard asked Brian if he wanted to apologize for what he did. Brian said he did. He apologized for his naughty behavior and said he is going to enjoy the next 6 months in Hawaii.
Howard said it must be weird for him to be out there in public. He asked if he claims to have been in New Orleans during Katrina. Brian said he was and he saw a body float by his hotel room window. He said he was also in Haiti in 2010 during the hurricane. He said he buried 900 people there. He said he was also captured and beheaded by the ISIS. He said his head was later reattached. He said that hurt like a bitch. Brian said he took on gunfire this morning on his way to Kinkos to make copies. He said it turns out it was just rain. He said he also invented the internet and Frappachino.
Brian claims that he also popped the cap in Tupac's ass that killed him. He said he can speak 8 languages and he won a Nobel prize for inventing the artificial heart. Howard thanked Brian for calling in. Brian said that's no problem. Robin said she sees he has everything under control now.
Howard asked how his daughter Allison is doing. Brian said the one story he wishes was a lie was his daughter getting her ass licked on ''Girls.'' Brian took credit for that scene as well. Howard let ''Brian'' go a short time later.
Howard said he thinks Dave is going to disappear after he retires. Howard took a call from Bobo who said he thinks this will be Howard's 45th appearance on Letterman. Howard said he used to do it like 6 or 7 times a year. He said it's really draining. He said he had to stop. Howard said he used to rack his brain about what he was going to do on there. He said he'd rather do that about what he's doing on his radio show.
Howard said he liked going on Letterman when he wasn't national yet. He said Dave's show was national so he got some exposure. Howard said that was very important to him. He said it killed him. He said he has to thank Dave for that. He said he should write that down. Howard said he should ask Dave questions like Bobo after he writes them down. He said it'll be like the scene in The Godfather when Luca Brasi wrote that question for the Godfather.
Howard said it killed him that he wasn't national. He said now everyone syndicates. Fred played The Godfather clip Howard was talking about.
Howard said he's going to read like Bobo and Luca Brasi. Howard played a Bobo theme song to the tune of the Saturday Night Live theme song. Howard did more of his reading of a statement for David Letterman as Luca Brasi shuffling his paper and stumbling over his words. Howard was cracking himself up over that. Howard said that bit is an imperfect 10 but he's already done it there. Howard said Dave might not get it if he does it on his show.
Howard said Dave has to trust him that he's doing something funny. Howard said he thinks Paul Shaffer will be out doing other things after Dave leaves.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wants to talk about Bobo. He said he thinks his only talent is being a shitty wig retard. Bobo asked what's wrong with him. He asked what kind of question he has for Howard. The caller said his question is ''What interesting question Bobo has today?'' Bobo said Howard won't pickup if he doesn't like the question he has. He said that Howard picks up on him. Robin said now Bobo is blaming Howard for his shitty questions. Howard asked Bobo what his question is. Bobo said he wants to clear something up from the Wrap Up Show. He said he's not the type of guy who feels entitled. He said when someone attacks him he fights back. Howard asked what he wants to say. He said he has no idea what he's talking about. He said he doesn't care what happened on the Wrap Up Show. Bobo said they were saying that he has this sense of entitlement and he thinks he's better than the other callers. Bobo said he doesn't feel like that.
Bobo said he does have a question. Bobo asked Howard who has given him the most memorable lasting impression over the years. Robin told Howard to write that one down for Letterman. Howard did that. Howard recited it as Bobo would. The caller asked him to do it ''off the cuff'' like Bobo. Howard said he could do that too.
Howard said he has to go. He let Bobo and the caller go after that. Howard played a Bobo Fan Tip as they were going to break.
Howard said Bobo said ''Pacific'' instead of ''Specific'' in the fan tip they played earlier. Howard replayed it to show everyone the mistake.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he heard Gary got a message from Sour Shoes as Artie Lange. He wanted to hear it. Howard said he can play that. Howard said Sour's impression of Artie's is almost perfect. He said he's not sure it's not Artie. He said it's really not. Howard played the clip and Sour was doing an amazing impression of Artie asking Gary how he's doing. Howard said he has a shitty phone connection but he's doing a great Artie and an Ass Napkin Ed impression. Howard said it was like 7 minutes long and they had to cut it down to a minute and 40. Howard said that impression is great. Robin said he could be on SNL if he could be controlled. Howard said he'd hire him there but they can't deal with him. He said they have to wait for him to call in.
Howard played more of Sour Shoes doing his Artie impression and Sour was giving plugs for shows he had coming up at the Funny Bone and things like that. Howard said he breaks into other voices during that too. Sour did his Mad Dog impression in there too. He did a Jeff the Drunk impression as well. Howard said that's not as strong. He said some are stronger than others. Robin said that's how it is with most.
Howard said Rachel Butera does a great Underdog Lady. Howard played some of the real Underdog talking to Shuli and singing a song to him. Howard said she's no idiot. He said she uses big words in that clip. Howard let the singing clip play a little bit longer. He played some remixes of her singing that they had created. They added music to her singing.
Howard played a clip of Big Foot and David Arquette professing their love for each other. They had mixed the two together.
Howard said that was nice. Howard said he has a million of them. Howard said he has an impression done by Matt Jacobs where he does High Pitch Eric and a bunch of others together. Howard said Matt can do a bunch of impressions. He had him doing Joey Boots, Jon Leiberman and High Pitch in the same clip.
Howard said Wendy the Slow Adult was calling them again last night. Howard said he's not sure if she was drinking or what. Howard said she has probably already gone through the money she won in the lottery. Howard said she gambled and won $1000. Howard played some clips of Wendy just making noise into the phone on the voicemail. Howard said then she started singing ''Eye of the Tiger.'' Howard played that too. Howard said this is what Wendy's mother wakes up to.
Howard played a clip of Jon Leiberman talking to Wendy about her $1,000 win in the scratch off ticket thing. Wendy spent all of the money already. He said she spent the last 200 on tickets. Robin said she doesn't know how much she has. She should have been told to keep some of it.
Howard asked if Eric will know what Ovaries are. Robin said no. Eric said they're in a woman's vagina and it's when a woman has babies. Robin said they're not in a vagina. Howard said it's close enough. Howard said Eric said semen is when you cum in a tissue.
Howard asked if Eric will know what fellatio is. Robin said no. Howard said they'll find out after the break.
Howard came back and sang along with the Van Halen song. Howard said that's Mr. Eddie Van Halen right there. He said he's shredding. Howard said that was the greatest. He said what a band that was. He said they don't make them like that anymore.
Howard said he has some show notes. He said the birthday show they did around his birthday was nominated for a Webby award. Howard said they're up for an award. Howard said they will win. He asked who has heard of the Webby awards. Howard said that the Emmy people didn't even consider them for an Emmy. Howard said that's not in his future. Robin said you never know. She said there could be a ''Best Judge'' category. Howard said no one wants to give him an award.
Howard said he's trying to get another label out of his shirt. Robin asked where Ralph is. Howard said he brought him out to L.A. with him. He said he's always out by the pool and fighting with everyone. He said he was fighting with Ronnie. Howard asked Ronnie to come in to talk about that. Ronnie came in and said they were loading up the luggage in the car and Ralph has this thing where he has to check 9000 times what's in the car. He said he had a shopping bag full of oranges. He said it's shit he grabs everywhere. He said he had the bag in the back of the car and the lift gate is automatic. He said Ralph was trying to pull it down so he told him to leave it alone. He said he pushed the button and told Ralph that's what you do. He said Ralph started cursing him out over that. He said then he got in the car and kept carrying on about it.
Howard said Ralph broke his washer and dryer too. He said he broke his iPhone a bunch of times too. Howard said Ralph was at AGT and at Craft Services the whole time. Ronnie said he was on a rant on the private jet too. Howard said it was him, Ronnie, Joe, Ralph, Toni and Don Buchwald. Ronnie said he wanted Joe's seat. He said that he wanted to sit somewhere and got all upset that Joe didn't want to move. Ronnie said he fell asleep and didn't see the outcome of that. He said that Ralph was moving around and trying to find a good seat. Howard said he kicked Ralph out of where he was. Ronnie said he was all aggravated and he got all bent over the lift gate thing.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said Ralph was tweeting out pictures with Jillian Barberie. Howard said he saw that too. He said it was Ralph, Booker and Booker's girlfriend out with Jillian. Howard said he's not sure how Ralph pays for all of this stuff.
Gary said he knows Ralph and he's sure that they all covered their own stuff including Ralph's. Howard said he asked Ralph about it and he told him how great the party was. Mariann said she thinks they had sex. Howard said he doesn't think so. He said Ralph told him that Jillian paid for everything. Howard said
Mariann started to say she's so sorry to Gary for his loss of Murphy but Howard hung up on her in the middle of that.
Howard said Ralph made an appointment to get an Apple Watch out there in L.A. He said he had one in New York too and he missed that. He said he missed both. Howard said Ralph already ordered 3 of them. Ronnie said he is going to decide which one he wants when they come in.
Howard said Jason told him about this watch he has and how great it is. He said it turns out it was a Samsung watch and it came out last year for $250. Howard said he doesn't know about that Apple Watch.
Howard said he didn't know what was up with that fight between Ronnie and Ralph. He said Ralph acts like he's a big star. He said he's a big star and he doesn't even throw tantrums like that.
Gary said that he and Ralph had a fight about 15 years ago. He said they went to a screening of Private Parts and Ralph stole his seat that he put his jacket on. He said Ralph has it in his mind that he has to be in a seat and it becomes his seat. Howard asked who the hell Ralph is. Gary said he and Ralph almost went to fist fighting that night.
Howard asked Gary if he's going to get an Apple Watch. Gary said he's going to wait. He said he's not even jealous of Jason's watch after seeing him use it.
Howard played some audio of some street interviews they did about the Apple Watch and if people think it's a way for the government to spy on them.
Gary told Howard what they're up against with the Webby award. Howard said he can't lose to some of those things. Gary said that the League of Legends is a video game show. He said that's what that is. Howard laughed. Robin said that would be embarrassing to lose to.
Howard said he's in love with Rumer Willis on Dancing with the Stars. Robin said she taped it last night. Howard said he wants to get her on the show. Howard said she's fascinating. Gary said he can totally get her. He said they need people to vote for them. Howard told Gary to get her on. Gary said he'll call her right now. Howard said he needs her in live. Gary said he'll get her in there.
Gary said Suzanne Somers was eliminated. Howard said it's sad. He said she had to quit Three's Company. Robin said she did a lot of other things after that. Howard said ''Nah.'' Howard said once you get to a certain age you should just hide. Robin said it's not true that you can be sexy at any age. Howard said no one wants to see you in the sexy little outfit at that age.
Howard said that they're up for this Webby award. He said he's going to have a room full of awards that he has to explain. Howard said that they have to explain them for 15 minutes. Howard said that there is nothing good on the internet other than stuff that was stolen from somewhere else... and the birthday bash.
Howard said Robin was nominated for ''Woman of the Year'' from... and Howard mumbled something. Howard asked if she's going to get an awarded for that. Robin said she's not sure. Howard said she's the Talkers New York woman of the year. Howard said she's going to get the Judy Jarvis award. Howard asked who that is. Robin said she doesn't know.
Howard read the article that explained Robin's award. Howard asked if she gets a free subscription to Talkers magazine. Robin said probably. Howard said he remembers when that magazine started. He said it was like a real magazine. Howard said he's happy for Robin. He said she should be acknowledged in some way. Robin said she's happy too.
Howard said Shadoe Stevens wrote him. He said he read that Robin was nominated and he was happy for her. Howard said Shadoe says that he's very happy for her. Howard asked Robin if she's going to make a speech. Robin said she thinks she will. She said she may have Bobo write her something. Howard read her speech as Luca Brasi like he was doing earlier in the show.
Howard said good for Robin being acknowledged. Howard asked if she has to show up and that's why they give it to her. Robin said yes. Howard said if she cancels then they don't give it to her. Robin said they'll scramble around and find someone else to show up.
Gary told Howard that song is 2 weeks away from being the longest running top 5 song of all time. Howard said he doesn't like it. Howard said they played it at America's Got Talent and Heidi will dance to it but he finds himself moving to it. He said when he gets home he never thinks about playing it. He just doesn't care. Robin said it sounds like something is happening during the song. Howard said it does. He said he just wants them to shut the fuck up though. He said the song is annoying.
Howard said Robin is getting an award and they're up for a Webby. He said that's what he wanted to say.
Howard had Ass Napkin Ed on the phone. Ed said he's growing tits. Howard said he heard about this. Howard said Ed has a lawyer now. Howard said this is so annoying. Ed asked why it's annoying. Howard said he's always looking for an angle to get money. Howard played a clip of Ed talking to Shuli about this. In the clip Ed said he's suing Johnson and Johnson over a drug he took called Risperidone that caused him to grow tits. Howard said maybe he got tits from being a lazy fuck. Howard said if he had tits he'd sue for a lot more. Howard said his life was ruined by this. Ed said he had to go for a mammography. Howard said he's the kind of guy who will say his life was ruined over nothing.
Howard asked Shuli if he has any info on this. Shuli came in and said Ed's weight has gone up quite a bit. Howard said he probably got tits because of that. Ed accused Shuli of being racist after that. Shuli said he weighed 220 and he lost 7 pounds when he joined the lawsuit. Shuli said that he had gained so much weight that he didn't think he could get in his crawlspace to fix his frozen pipes this winter. Ed blamed the weight gain on the drug but he was drinking about 24 cans of Pepsi every day. Shuli said Ed lost all of his upper teeth because of that. Howard said he heard that he was using his fingers as upper teeth where he pushes his food down on the bottom teeth. Howard asked if all of the uppers are gone. Shuli said all of them on top are gone. Ed said he has 7 on the bottom. Howard said just imagine losing all of your teeth. Howard asked if he ever brushed them. Ed said he doesn't have any. Shuli said Ed used to scratch his ass with his toothbrush. Shuli said he lost that toothbrush too.
Howard thanked Ed for the call. Ed gave him an ''819'' as he was signing off. Howard said Ed is in on this lawsuit. Shuli said he wasn't going to sue until he saw this commercial. Howard said he won't see much money from it if it's a class action suit. Howard said that drug sounds like it's a good drug for people who want tits. Shuli said it's an anti-psychotic.
Howard said maybe they'll play today. He had Scott the Engineer come in to play. He kept Shuli in there too. Howard asked Ronnie and JD to come in to play too.
Howard set the guys up with their microphones and goofed on Scott a little bit about the way he was just staring at him with nothing to say.
Howard said Robin's team is Shuli and Scott. He said he's got JD and Ronnie. Sal hosted. He said that they have a category and the first person to yell out gets to answer. Howard said he's annoyed already. He said it's too complicated already. He said it's barely started and he wants to kill himself.
Sal started the game and said ''Name something that makes you itch.'' Howard said ''fleas.'' Fred played a buzzer and Howard said he's done with this game. Robin said ''Bite'' and got a buzzer. Howard said he hates this game. Sal said he wanted to go to the next family member. He went to Ronnie. Ronnie said ''Your asshole.'' He got that buzzed too. Shuli said ''Clothes'' and got buzzed too. Sal went to JD next. JD said Dandruff and got buzzed. No one got one right. Sal went to Scott who said ''mosquito''. Howard said ''Name someone getting fired...'' and said this game is horrible. Howard said this is over. He said goodbye to Sal. Sal said he's sorry. Howard said Scott wins. He gets to go back to work in his room back there. They played Ass Napkin Ed's theme song as they ended that. Howard said he just got handed a note saying Sal worked on that game for months. Howard said it was so bad. He said it was really bad.
Gary said he's yelling at Sal now. He said he pitched the game last week and it was great. He said it was much more interesting that day. Sal said he has a bunch of categories. Howard said Sal went with his worst stuff first. Sal said he did over 30 questions. Howard said all of the money he's paid him to work there is a waste. Sal said he did the High Pitch Eric game too. Howard said that's good. He told him to get out.
Howard said the Webby people just disqualified them because of this game. Gary said he did some research on the Webby awards. He said it used to be $50 to enter but now it's between $300 and 500 to enter. Gary said they say that they make about $3 million. Howard said they shouldn't enter that thing. Gary said they'd have to buy their own Webby award too. Howard said they should just start their own award show and charge people to enter. Howard said they can buy their own trophy and bypass the middle man. Howard said look what they're up against. He said it's internet TV shows. That's insulting. Howard said they could have bought breakfast for everyone with that $300. Howard said if they win then they have to shell out $500 for the award. Howard said you don't pay for an Oscar. Gary said there are awards that you do have to pay for. He said that he's not sure if a band wins a Grammy if they get one for every guy in the band or if they have to buy them. Howard said he doesn't know. He said he doesn't get why they have to pay an entry fee for this thing. Howard said if the people entering are paying then how do you have any credibility. Gary said he thinks you have to do that for an Emmy too. Howard said maybe if they pay double to the Webby people they can automatically win. Howard said just go out and buy a trophy from a bowling league.
Howard said he read that it's $250 to enter the Emmy's. Howard said that's some racket they have going on there. Gary said it's $400 for the trophy from the Emmy's.
Howard had some clips of James Corden's show to play. Tommy said the whole thing seems contrived. Howard played a clip of James Corden talking about how he promises they're going to have fun on the show. Corden was talking about what a privilege it is to be given a show. Tommy was trying to get in a comment about someone else he wanted back but Howard told him to calm down. Howard played more of James Corden talking about how great the show was going to be and thanking his parents for being there. Howard said it sounds like he's crying. Howard said crying is fine but maybe not on your first show. Howard said he learned to cry in therapy but he wouldn't do it on that show.
Howard played more of the James Corden show and he was making awful jokes and asking people who watch to be careful and responsible. Howard said he really loves his audience. Howard said he has a different view of his audience. Howard said he thinks there are a few that shouldn't be around.
Tommy said Jimmy is the best out of all of those guys. He said he likes Seth Meyers too. Howard thanked him for the call.
Howard said he doesn't know James Corden enough to comment on his show. Howard said he seems really happy based on what he played. Howard said he had the whole mission statement and he thought that he should settle down.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves them but he hates Bobo more than anyone. He asked him to ask Bobo if he knows the elements of water or anything like that. He also asked Howard not to re-sign with Sirius. He said he loves the show and loves Howard but he doesn't want to see him die there. They played a clip of Bobo talking about how to deal with haters on the show. Howard said those are good tips from Bobo.
Howard asked if Eric will know what ejaculation is. Eric said it's when you jack off and you cum. Howard said everything he says is about jacking off. Howard asked if he will know what a labia is. Robin said she was going to say yes but now it's no. Eric explained that it's part of a woman's breasts. Howard said that's close.
Howard asked if Eric will know what camel toe is. Robin said no. Fred said no. Eric said it's when a woman wears tight clothes and it looks like she has a penis.
Howard asked if Eric will know what a heterosexual is. Fred and Robin said yes and Benjy said no. Eric's answer was that it's a male who is straight and into girls.
Howard asked if Eric will know what a rectum is. Robin said yes. Fred said yes. Benjy said no. Eric's answer was that it's your behind.
Howard asked if Eric will know what a rim job is. Robin said no. Howard asked if Robin knows. Robin knew. She said she's never done that. Fred said Eric will not know. Benjy said no as well. Eric's answer was ''It's when a woman puts her lips on the rim of your dick.
Howard asked if Eric will know what ''head'' is. Robin said yes. She said that's a blow job. Fred said he will know. Benjy said yes too. Eric's answer was that it's when a woman sucks your cock.
Howard asked if Eric will know what a golden shower is. Robin said Eric will not know. Fred said he will not. Benjy said Eric will not know. Eric's answer was ''When a woman pees on you.''
Howard asked if Eric will know what a sphincter is. Robin said he will not know. Fred said yes he will. Benjy said he will not know. Eric's answer was ''Your mouth.''
Howard asked if Eric will know what a gigolo is. Robin said yes. Fred said no. Benjy said no. Eric's answer was ''When people have sex with Jell-O.''
Howard asked if Eric will know what a happy ending is. Robin said yes. Fred said no. Benjy said yes. Eric's answer was ''When you're in a massage parlor and you cumin the masseuse's hand.''
Howard asked if Eric will know what a bi-sexual is. Robin said yes. Fred said yes. Benjy said yes. Eric's got it right when he said it's someone who likes both men and women.
Howard asked if Eric will know what a Blumpkin is. Robin said she isn't even sure. She said Eric will not know. Fred said no and Benjy said no. Eric's answer was ''Two fat people having sex.''
Howard asked if Eric will know what a G spot is. Robin said yes. Fred said no. Benjy said no. Eric's answer was ''A part of a woman's ass so you can fist her in the ass.''
Howard said everyone tied so he has a tie breaker. Howard asked if Eric will know what Gonorrhea is. Robin said yes. Fred said yes. Benjy said no. Eric's answer was ''it's a fungus found in your feet.'' Benjy ended up winning.
Howard said that was a good game. He had Eric on the phone. Eric said that there are more questions. Eric asked if Robin really didn't lick ass. Robin said she never did. Eric said she went out with Jim Florentine and never did that. Robin said she did not.
Howard asked how Blue Bloods was. Eric said he did the shoot and he was told that he did awesome. He said he walked Donnie a few times in the show. He said you get to see him a couple of times. Howard asked how many times he's beaten off to Donnie. Eric said he hasn't beaten off since he got home. Howard asked if he would give Donnie a rim job as Jenny. Eric said he would but he doesn't have the wig there. Eric said he would give him a lap dance. Howard asked if he would give him that rim job. Eric said he would as Jenny. Howard said that would be great if Donnie would come in there and do that.
Howard asked Eric if he could get Donnie off. Eric said wearing the blonde wig he could. He said he'd pretend to be Jenny.
Howard asked if Eric got a hard on when he was on set with Donnie. Eric said he didn't. Robin asked what he was wearing. Eric said he had a long sleeve shirt and sweat pants. Howard asked what he played. Robin said he just walked by on the street. Eric said he doesn't have any lines. He said that he'll be in the squad room in Season 6. Howard said he read that Eric ate 6 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the set. Eric said that was the best part. He said he had coffee and protein in the peanut butter. Howard asked if he had to shit after eating all of that. Eric said he had to pee. He said he went home to shit. Eric said his birthday is coming up and he wants to see Donnie for his birthday. Howard said he thinks they gave him enough Donnie. Eric wished him a good weekend even though it's only Tuesday. Howard let Eric go a short time later. Howard said every day is the weekend for Eric. Howard played one last Eric clip where he said Necrophilia is when you suck on someone's neck and give them a hickey. They went to break after that.
Robin started off talking about marriage and how this is basically consenting that there are marital rights. Howard said it doesn't mean that your partner is going to give you sex. Robin said you do expect some sex. Howard said absolutely. Robin asked when that ends and if it's when your partner gets dementia. Howard said that's when it all starts. Robin said a 78 year old man has been charged with sexual abuse because his wife may not have been mentally able to agree to sex. Howard said if someone has dementia then they're no longer themselves. Robin told Howard about the story behind all of that and what led up to it. Howard said imagine that you're so horny that you want to fuck someone with dementia. Robin said they do say that sex is good for dementia patients. Howard said the question is do you have sex with a mentally retarded person. He said the answer is no. Robin said this woman was the man's wife though. Robin said he's the next of kin. Howard said he still says no, he should not be allowed to have sex with her. Robin said this is going to court and that may happen more and more as time goes on.
Robin read a story about Justin Bieber because he said in his roast that he was going to stop being stupid. Robin said that hasn't happened. Robin said that he was thrown out of Coachella music festival after being put in a choke hold by security. Howard asked what's wrong with that kid. Robin said he's got an arrest warrant in Argentina now too.
Robin said they say that Ed Sheeran's music is popular for putting people to sleep. Robin had Howard play a clip of his song. Howard said he heard he does an amazing live show. Robin said they say that Sam Smith songs are more songs that people go to sleep to.
Howard played a clip of Bobo being dopey again. He played a clip of a voicemail he left for Gary where he said ''This is in retrospect to...'' something about the haters. Howard said he didn't use that word correctly.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he really thinks that it's wrong to have sex with your wife if she has dementia. Howard said she doesn't have good decision making if she has dementia. The caller asked what would happen if Howard had it. Howard said she won't want to have sex with him then. Howard said that would be creepy if she did want to have sex with him.
Howard took a call from another guy who asked if it's okay to cheat on your wife who has dementia. Howard said that's okay. He said if your wife is that fucked up and you want to have sex with someone who isn't dribbling on herself then go ahead. Howard said the dementia and a slow adult thing are the same thing. The caller said he loves his wife and he doesn't want to cheat on her. Howard said then jerk off. Howard said if you fuck a woman with dementia then you're beyond the depths of hell. Howard said if they both have dementia that's another story.
Gary said he's seen a whole ward of people with dementia. He said that it's not a pleasant sight. Howard said they should have the hottest retarded person beauty contest. Robin asked if that's right to do. Howard said of course not.
Robin had Howard play a clip of a preview for the Diane Sawyer interview with Bruce Jenner. Howard said fuck her, they should have that interview. Howard said that interview is going to have a 100 share. Howard said it'll be bigger than the super bowl. Howard said people will be flipping out. Howard said he would give him abetter interview than Diane Sawyer. Howard told Bruce to come in there instead. He said he can talk and won't be interrupted by clips and shit. Howard said everyone will tune in for that show. Howard said they're not paying him. He said he could have gotten a fortune for that. Robin said he's hoping to get a payday in the future now that he's rebranding himself.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if the sex with Beth is the same as it was when they started. Howard said it's not as frequent but the sex is real good. He said they've been together like 15 years now. Robin asked how that can be. Howard said he met her when she was 26. Howard said it's like any other married couple. He said the sex isn't as often but it's really good. The caller asked if she wears lingerie. Howard said she doesn't do that. Howard said they don't bother with that. Howard said Beth wears a nightie but he touches her backside and he gets excited. He said he will say that he's all agitated which means he has a boner. He said then she checks to see if he's telling the truth and then shenanigans begin. Howard said they don't do any weird shit in bed. He said he has friends who do weird shit. That led to Fred playing some Ronnie clips where he's talking about weird shit.
The caller asked if Howard has ever hurt himself having sex. Howard said he has almost broken it a couple of times. He said it's when he's ramming it hard. Howard said he's going to pretend he has dementia tonight to see what happens.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a judge that resigned last year for fixing court cases. Robin said he accepted repairs on his vehicles in return for favorable rulings in court. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Ireland Baldwin checking into rehab. Robin said it's a big story. Robin said that she got a big write up today. Howard said that she's kind of putting herself out there. Robin said she knows Chet Haze went into rehab and she didn't read a thing about it. Robin said she thinks this is because it's the NY Post and it's Alec Baldwin's daughter. Howard said they shouldn't do that. Howard said when it comes to kids you leave them out of it.
Robin read about the 2 year old who fell into a cheetah pen. Robin said the kid suffered a broken leg when he fell into the cage. Howard said the woman dangled her kid over the cage at the zoo. Howard said he hopes she's up on charges. Robin said she has been charged but they're only misdemeanor charges.
Robin read a story about a shooting in Oklahoma where a 73 year old deputy shot a man thinking he pulled out his Tazer but pulled a gun instead. Howard said that's a pretty creative thing to come up with. Robin said he's being charged with manslaughter but not murder.
Robin said John Legend is dedicating himself to educate the public on the criminal justice system. Robin read about him going on tour to educate people about this.
Robin read a story about a jewel heist in Great Britain. Robin said they got away with $150 million in jewelry. Robin said you'd think they'd be able to retire after that. Robin said they think they may be ex-military based on the way they pulled it off. Fred played the Pink Panther theme song as they were talking about that. Howard was making up lyrics as the song played. Then he played some Big Foot singing to a song and not getting many of the words right.
Robin read a story about Hillary Clinton kicking off her presidential campaign. Robin said she went to Chipoltle and ordered a chicken bowl. Robin said she was in a van and not many people recognized her. Howard said most people going there just want to get in and out and don't care.
Robin read a story about Marco Rubio announcing he's a candidate for the republican nomination. Robin had some audio of him announcing that. Robin had a few other clips of various people taking shots at Hillary Clinton.
Howard asked the guys how he's supposed to answer them. Howard said he got a note saying that Gary has a note from Beth to give to him. Howard said he knows he can just bring it in. Gary said he would have felt like he was interrupting him. Howard said he's been with him for 40 years and he still doesn't know what to do. Howard called Gary Baba Booey, Fafa Fooey and other names. He made fun of his love tape and goofed on him for wearing a Atlantic Records shirt. Howard said every time he hears that tape Gary made trying to get that woman back makes him think that Gary has poor judgment. Howard said he just wonders why he doesn't want to replace Gary. Gary said all he wanted to do was give Howard a message from his wife. Howard said Gary could have just come in or told him he was coming in. Gary said that's sort of what he did. Howard said he did not.
Fred played the Gary love tape clip that starts off ''Hello, hello...'' Howard asked how long that tape is. Robin said it was pretty long. Howard let the clip play and goofed on Gary about everything he was saying. He pointed out that he was clearing his throat on the tape. Howard said that they have never analyzed that first line where he says he came home sick from work but he was well enough to make this tape. Howard goofed on every line he heard. Gary talked about his professional life being at a ''noine'' and his personal life being at a 2. Howard said he likes how he could leave work early and his professional life is at a ''noine.'' Robin said this woman and her new boyfriend sat down and watched this tape together. Howard said that had to be humiliating.
Howard asked Robin if she would ever go out with a guy who made a tape like this. Robin laughed. She said this woman wouldn't have Gary back. Robin said Gary gets into his Booey math now. That's where Gary talks about the friends and lovers that they both gained and lost.
Howard said Gary is on the phone ignoring this whole thing right now. Howard said he should be listening to it. Howard read the note that he got. He said kitten season is coming around. He said Beth is expecting 8 kittens in the next few weeks. Howard said Yoda is waiting for them to show up. Howard said they had two living with them and a lovely woman adopted them last week. Howard said she found out that she was allergic to them. He said she is devastated. Howard said they took them back immediately. Howard said Beth wants to keep them together. Howard said they're available and ready to go now. He said if you're interested you can email Beth at BethSternFosters@gmail.com. Howard said the kittens are named Lollipop and Pumpernickel. Howard said they have a lot of people waiting but they want these two to stay together. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard asked if Gary is off the phone. Gary said he is. Howard said he was on the phone during that bit. Gary said he knows, he doesn't want to talk about it. Howard said this is part of his punishment. He said he has to listen. Gary said he'll just turn the radio off. Howard started the ''Hello, hello'' clip again but cut it off pretty quickly. He played a prank call the guys made to a woman using clips from the tape.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she loves the Gary stuff. She said that she wonders who would ever send a tape like that. Howard said it never gets old. Robin said that's their Stairway to Heaven. Howard said it is. Howard said that really is bad judgment. He said that's like Ted Kennedy driving off a bridge and not saving her. Howard said that is the greatest tape ever. Howard said they should replay it every year on the anniversary of it. Howard said they just got something new out of it today. Howard wondered how they missed that. Robin said there is so much meat in that tape.
Robin asked Howard what religion he says he is if someone asks. Howard said he says Jewish because he doesn't want anyone to like him. Robin said that she was asked that when she went to the hospital. She said she found that odd. Howard said he doesn't fill out anything. Robin said someone was asking her the questions. Robin said she was going to get some lab work done. Howard said she should have written Jewish. Robin said the woman told her that they had like 60 religions listed. Howard said maybe if you have a blood disease they could figure something out. Robin said there's nothing in blood based on religion.
Robin read a story about how 63 percent of the people surveyed around the world say that they're religious. Howard said he's pretty sure that's what's ruining the world. Robin said in some areas it's less than half like in Australia and New Zealand. Howard said that people make fun of Scientology but other religions are just as silly. Robin said that they are having some kind of TV mini series about Jesus and they say that they're siblings of Jesus. Robin said some Christians don't even know that he had siblings. Robin said people think Mary was a virgin but Joseph got a hold of her after Jesus and knocked her up. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a family that died when a slab of concrete fell from an overpass and crushed the truck they were driving in. Robin said this was a young couple and their child. Robin said the whole family was wiped out in the accident.
Robin read a story about some people who were accused in a bomb threat incident and had some audio for Howard to play. In the clip a guy claimed to have been from Al Queda and they had a bomb that was going to blow up the White House. Howard said they should get these people out of the country. Robin had some audio of the 911 operator talking to the guy who made the bomb threat and asking why they called. The guy making the threat said he wanted to talk to the president. Howard didn't understand a word the guy was saying. He said the operator seemed to understand every word.
Robin read a story about Mariah Carrey getting some flack about photoshopping her image on her newest album. Howard said every girl does that. Howard said she wants to look young and thin.
Robin said Pink is also responding to people talking about her weight. Howard said they had her on the show and she looks great. Robin said people are saying she's over weight. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Carol said she thinks the High Pitch Eric game is a keeper. Jon said Benjy was thrilled with his win today too. Jon played a ''What You Need to Know'' about today's show. He also said that they have a poll up today. He had Rahsaan give them the details of that. He said they're asking ''Was selling the Gary tape worth it to Gary?''
Jon said he has to ask Carol if it was worth it to Gary to sell that tape. Carol said she thinks he probably regrets it now. She said that no one knew it would become a classic cornerstone of the show. She said that she loves things like that. She said it springs eternal. She said they've heard it how many times but it becomes even more cringe worthy if that's even possible. Jon said that today Gary said he had a note to give to Howard and Howard went off on him. He said Gary didn't go in with the note today and look what happened.
Carol said she thinks that's what's so fascinating about their relationship. She said that it's getting close to being 40 years together. Carol said that it's all very fascinating. She said she could listen to that Gary love tape on an endless loop. Jon said that was a suggestion that they wanted to do on Howard 101. Carol said she would listen all day long.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he loves Gary but he doesn't get why he even tries to argue with Howard about anything. He said Howard is cranky from his trip and he shouldn't even try. Jon said he thinks today happened because Gary felt he did the right thing by putting up that note and Howard called him out on it and Gary fought back. Carol said she thinks if Gary walked in with the note without warning that Howard would be even more upset. She said you never know which way it's going to go.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Gary doesn't deserve this torture that he's getting. He asked who hasn't done stupid shit in their life that they don't regret. Jon said everyone has. He said on the Howard Stern show it gets played over and over and over. He said this tape will never go away and people can't help but want to hear more and more of it when it starts to play. Carol said you can listen and hear more and more things in it as you delve into it. Jon said they had to take a break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked how much Gary could have gotten for that tape today. Jon said he thinks Howard would offer six figures for that and he'd probably gladly pay it. Carol said she thinks Jon is right. She said that a listener would probably buy it in a heartbeat. Jon said he wonders if anyone else did that if anyone would wanted to hear the tape. Jon asked Carol whose tape she'd want to hear. Carol said Sal crying when he thought Howard wasn't renewing is something that can play forever on an endless loop. She said she would put that on to listen to go to sleep. Jon said he'd love to hear a Ronnie love tape or anyone on the show really. He said that he thinks they'd be handsomely compensated for that too. Carol said she also loves Robin singing ''Cocaine'' because it's so awesome.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Gary says something about a certain time in the tape and he'd love to hear that as a drop and play that every day at that time. He asked if Gary would ever play Robin's news theme on the trumpet. Jon said he thinks he has done that but maybe they can get him to do it again.
Jon asked Carol about Sal's game today and if it came off that bad. Carol said she adores Sal and she thinks that his calls are the best with Richard. She said she gives him credit for trying it even if it didn't go over that great. She said she admires them for trying.
Jon said that Carol interviewed Sal for her book ''How to Succeed in Business Without Really Crying''. Carol said that she did because he went from being Sal the Stockbroker to being on the show. She said that he's a staff member on the show now and that's amazing. She said that he shared his wisdom with her about that. She said that he got to where he is on his own and that's admirable.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks if Gary was offered money for a tape it would fall on his wife these days. Jon said he might be right about that. He said they'll ask Gary about that when he comes in. Carol said she probably gets a kick out of it and she'd be fine with it.
Jon said the other game that was played today was the High Pitch Eric sex game. He said Benjy won that and it was a great game. Carol said it's an instant classic. Jon said he wasn't able to figure out what Eric would know and not know. Carol said she was playing along and she got most of them wrong. She said the thing that cracked her up was the Necrophilia thing. She said that was classic and perfect. Jon said he thinks they'll get more in the future. Jon said Eric also got to do his Blue Bloods appearance. Carol said she thinks that Eric is on fire these days and stealing the spotlight. She said that he's scoring with everything. She said she loves when Joey Boots talks to him about his eating. She said she thinks she's like the rest of the audience out there. Jon said that they're not getting tired of him coming on. He said he's been very entertaining over the past few months. He said he thinks when Eric the Actor passed on it left this open for someone to come in. He said that Bobo seems to be pissing people off with his calls lately. They went to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a guy who said it was a great show today. He said he loves the Gary tape. He said he can't stop laughing when he hears it. Carol said everybody loves it. She said Howard could play it every show and everyone would still love it. The caller said if someone had a new tape he thinks Howard would pay it without a doubt. Jon said he doesn't think Gary would sell a second tape but he's sure he'd get a six figure offer.
Jon said Gary is in now. He asked Gary if it was worth it to sell it for $25,000. Gary said it was more like $19,800 and it wasn't worth it. Gary said he is his own worst enemy. He said the tape didn't look so bad to him. He said when Robin Radzinski was their producer at E! they had to dub the tape to 3/4 inch. He said she started to watch it and he walked away. When he came back she just said ''Oh Gary...'' and it just got worse that day. Jon asked if he expected it to bother him all these years later. Gary said it really is a public flogging. He said Howard will say to him that he's his producer and he shouldn't be seen in his light but then he plays the tape and it does the things that he's telling him not to do. Gary said the other thing that bothers him is that Jason likes the tape. He said that he heard Jason said he ''loves days like today.''
Jon said they knew it was coming from Howard one of these days this week. He said Gary became the target when he put up the note on the computer. He said Howard gets upset because he thinks Gary cant read that situation. Gary said a year from now it could be the complete opposite reaction. He said that he asked the guys in the studio and Will suggested putting up a note. He said he could have done either. He said he thought Howard would see the note and tell him to come in. Carol agreed. She said that if he had just walked in then Howard could have gone off on him for that.
Carol asked where Mary is on the tape. Gary said she has divorced herself from the whole thing. Gary said he knows his kids have seen it. He said that he has to cut Lucas off from that too. He said they listen to stuff and hear things from the show. Gary said he thinks Jackson hears all of it and doesn't want to talk about it but Lucas hears it all and wants to talk about it.
Jon asked Gary how he feels when Howard tells him to get off the phone so he can hear the tape. Gary said he made that call just so he didn't hear it. Gary said he made that call and it was a good idea. Jon said a caller had a question asking why it still upsets Gary. Gary said it's because there's a whole new group in the office to hear it. He said he has to sit with interns and new people working there. Gary said that they all look over to see what he's doing in his office.
Jon said Robin found the new thing at the start of the tape. Gary said he missed that. It was about Gary leaving work early because he was sick but he was good enough to do the tape. Jon said this won't end anytime soon. Carol said it's his Watergate tape. Gary said he didn't know he was going to make more money when he got to Sirius. He said he had to take that money.
Jon went to Rahsaan who had the results of the poll. Rahsaan said that 55 percent voted that it wasn't worth selling the tape. Gary asked if 45 percent said yes. Rahsaan said they only had two choices so yes they did. Jon got in a plug for today's Sternthology. Gary and Jon talked about that stuff for a short time before wrapping up the show. They were done around 11:50am.
Howard started the show talking about how he finally got some sleep. He said he feels a lot better. Howard said his wife said he was mean to Baba Booey yesterday. Howard said he tried to explain to both Gary and his wife that he sits there doing a 4 hour live radio show and it's a conversation. He said if he's tired and cranky he's tired and cranky. He said he's also trying to entertain people. Howard said they got on Gary's case yesterday and Beth wrote Gary a note apologizing for sending him in with the note.
Gary said he realizes that he is putting on a show but it's really hurtful. Gary said the punishment didn't fit the crime. Howard said he has to comment on things and that's what he's doing. Howard said he wondered why he wasn't handing him the note. Gary said they talked about it on the Wrap Up Show yesterday and it could have gone the other way too. Howard said it was a note from his wife though. He said he can interrupt him if it's a note from his wife or kids. Howard said now he knows. Gary said he knows he wouldn't do this to a dog but if you smack a dog with a newspaper it doesn't forget to never shit there again. Gary said he will never shit there again.
Howard said he doesn't have the luxury of editing the show so it goes down live. Howard said when he gets notes from the guys that he can't respond to it's kind of silly. He said he doesn't want to get back into it. Robin said she did want to get back into that tape though.
Howard said Baba Booey is becoming part of the language now and he's not sure he likes the way it's being used. Howard said there's a podcast called Surviving Scientology and he's using ''Baba Booey'' in the wrong way. He said he used it as a surprise statement like ''I was walking down the street and all of a sudden Baba Booey!'' Howard said he's not using it in the right way. He said as long as people are using it who cares. He said it would be great if it became a word and people started using it. Robin said maybe because of the golf references people are getting confused by it. Howard said maybe the Scientology guy is confused by it. Howard said he didn't think about it. Howard said maybe Baba Booey has two different meanings. Howard said it's murky.
Howard said he has a clip of an anchorwoman saying ''baby shitter'' instead of baby sitter. Howard played that clip next.
Howard played a clip from a Diane Sawyer promo for her Bruce Jenner interview. Howard said in this one Bruce actually speaks. Howard played that quick one. Howard said they have a serious announcer and serious music in that one. Howard said it's Bruce Jenner becoming a woman. Howard said what he wouldn't give to have that interview. Howard said he knows he could do a better job than Diane Sawyer. Howard said she blew it with Michael Jackson. He said it was such a shitty interview. Howard said he's surprised they are putting it on a Friday night. He said maybe they want to pump up the ratings that night. He said Friday nights aren't big ratings nights though. Howard said everyone is going to be watching that special. He said the guy is becoming a girl at the age of 60-something. Howard said it's the greatest story ever.
Robin wondered why Bruce would have so many kids if he was so confused. Howard said why not. He said he must like kids. Howard said he thinks he should become a woman and go back to the Olympics. Howard said he was also thinking that this will get better ratings than the moon landing. Howard said this is prime time with Bruce becoming a woman. Howard said they whipped out the good announcer for this clip too. He said this is the serious guy and not the young voice guy on ABC. Robin said even President Obama doesn't get this music when he's announcing we're going to war. Howard said that's right. Howard did his impression of the announcer and goofed on that for a short time. Fred played some dramatic music behind him as he was doing that. He was talking about the story of Bruce removing his penis and getting a new vagina. He said that he threw his balls in the trash and Diane is there to pick up the scraps.
Howard said that's going to be awesome. He said he's watching. He said TV is so funny. He said he loved that show SCTV because it was an entire hour of a spoof of TV. Howard said that has to be the best TV show of all time. Howard said it was so brilliant. Howard went back into his announcer voice and did more talk up of the show. Howard said maybe they can make Bruce into a woman and then send him to the moon. He said they could get even greater ratings that way.
Howard said the world is so funny. He said everyone is going to tune in to hear about a guy who is cutting his dick off. Howard was doing more of the announcer voice and talking about that interview.
Howard said he'd like to know what happened with that car accident he had. Howard said he bets that's off limits. Howard said he is genuinely fascinated with this whole thing. Howard said he really wants that interview. Howard said he's a big supporter of the LGBT community. Howard went back into that announcer voice for a short time. Robin said he should be the next lady announcer on The View.
Howard wondered why they went to Diane Sawyer. Howard said they should have come to him. Howard said they don't go after people. Robin said they probably went after Bruce over there.
Robin said she saw that Barbara Walters interviewed Mary Kay Letourneau. Howard said he thought she was retired. Robin said apparently not. Howard got back into the announcer voice and had Fred playing the dramatic music. He replayed the promo and said the dramatic music is sort of up beat like it's not the same music they'd use for a murderer. Howard said it's like hiking up a mountain music. He said they have just the right music. He said it's serious but inspirational.
Howard said he wishes he worked at ABC so he could demand music like that. Howard said it's like music you hear in adult diaper commercials. Howard said you feel safe and secure at the end of the commercial. He said they need just the right music. Howard said you know they have a whole library of music over there. Howard did more of his announcer voice and Fred played some different music. Howard said it sounds like Game of Thrones music. Howard asked if Robin watched Game of Thrones. Robin said she did. Howard said it was good but not great. Robin said it was a set up episode. Howard said there wasn't enough titty shots. He said there was too much man ass.
Gary came in and asked when the Khaleesi covered up during sex. Howard said that chick said she wasn't going to get naked anymore. He said that he would have fired her ass immediately if she had said that. Howard and the guys talked about how the dragons were yelling at her. Howard said that he'd yell at her too with those eyebrows. Howard said she's not even that hot anymore. Howard said they should have fired her. Gary said they had full control over her so they could have if they wanted to.
Howard had Fred play some more music for a promo. Howard was doing more Bruce Jenner talk up. He had Bruce becoming the new Khaleesi. Howard said maybe he can marry Peter Dinklage. Fred found the right music which was from Pirates of the Caribbean. Howard said that works. He talked up Bruce Jenner and Diane Sawyer again. Howard said that was beautiful.
Howard said Fred is a genius. Fred said it's actually Hans Zimmer who is the genius. Howard kept going with the promos and Fred played with the music until Howard said that was enough of that.
Howard said he liked the Pirates of the Caribbean clip. He wanted it again but Fred wasn't able to find it again. Fred said it's on a compilation mix and there was like 6 hours of it to go through. Howard had Fred play more music but he didn't find the one he was looking for. Fred eventually found it again so Howard did another promo for Bruce and Diane. Howard told Fred that's what he wants. Robin said they should have the chopping sound in there too.
Howard said Louis C.K. is stopping by today. He said Louis just wrote an article in the Hollywood Reporter that was really good. Howard said he's a funny guy. Howard said he doesn't remember specifics but he was entertained while he was reading it. Howard said he remembers being entertained but he can't retain anything. He said it's weird. Robin said maybe he should read out loud to himself. They went to break after that.
Howard asked Gary who won the 19 inning game the other night. Gary said it was the Red Sox. Howard said it was 19 innings. Howard said there was a couple kissing in the crowd and Bob Costas was wondering if they were going to go home and make love. Howard said he remembers Ralph Kiner whipping out a story every time that he had a long broadcast. He said Bob Costas was so out of it that he was consumed with the couple in the crowd. Howard played a clip of Costas talking about how they got up and left after 15 innings. He said maybe they got bored or maybe they had other things to do.
Howard said after 19 innings you don't know what to talk about. Howard said they're having imaginary discussions about a couple. Howard said they're just making stuff up. Howard said during 19 innings you could meet a girl, marry her in the next 3 innings and by the 19th inning you're married and divorced. Howard said they can have a while lifetime during that long of a game.
Howard said Costas was talking about Snapple too. He played a clip of Costas talking about the caps on the Snapple bottles having interesting facts. He called the game and talked more about the caps. Robin said he knows that he's talking to no one at that point. Howard said he was down to the very end of his fumes. Robin said cigarette smoking went from good to bad in the length of that game. Howard said he was just grabbing anything nearby. He said he was so out of steam by that point.
Howard did an impression of Costas giving facts from Snapple caps about various things. Howard said in football they don't have time for that shit. He said a game could never last that long.
Howard said someone sent him a clip of this guy Tyler the Creator who got really upset with the people who ran Coachella. Howard said they wanted to take some video of Tyler on stage and people were taking video and they forbid the guy from making his own video. Howard said then he complained about the people who run the event for letting in all of the photographers. Howard played the clip of Tyler going off on the people who run Coachella for letting in the photographers but not letting him film his own stuff. Howard said he got in every word there. He said he was on a mad tear.
Howard played a clip of Tyler the Creator talking about the crowd and how lame it was that Kendall Jenner is. He gave her a ''fuck you'' from the stage.
Howard asked if he just insults the audience. Howard said he's like Don Rickles with an attitude. Howard asked if they have ever had him on the show. Robin said no. Howard said maybe they should.
Howard said Louis C.K. is there. He said he has to take a break to prepare for that. Howard said he thinks Louis wants to make a movie. He said he has to talk to him about that. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said Louis C.K. is there. He said he's going into the 5th season of his TV show. Howard said Louis looks totally different. He said he's gone Hollywood. Robin said he looks like a surfer at this point.
Howard asked Louis if he wants to be called Louie or Louis. Howard said he is called Louie on the show but Louis in the credits. Howard asked if anyone calls him Lou. Louis said no one does. He said no one calls him Louis either. He said it matters how you spell your name for searches. Howard said that when you date a girl that must be a turn on when the woman calls you Louis. Louis said that it is kind of special. Howard said he would focus on that.
Howard said he read the Hollywood Reporter article he wrote and it was good. Louis said he didn't write it. He said he sat down with a reporter who wrote it. He said she recorded a conversation. Howard said Louis is there to promote his Louie show that's in its 5th season now.
Howard said Louis directed the movie ''Pootie Tang'' and he got kicked off the set because he was such a toxic person. Howard asked if Chris Rock was pissed at him for that. Louis said he should have been. He said Chris had a lot of pressure on him with that. He said that they're still friends now though. Howard said he could make more doing stand up than in that movie. Louis said absolutely. Howard said there is a lot of pressure to do a movie like that. Howard asked who would want that. Louis said they also only get one shot with the box office. He said with a TV show you get a chance every week. Howard said that's why he's so bummed out about piracy of movies and TV shows. Howard said that things can tank because people have seen it already.
Louis said people lose their jobs too. He said he saw guys get fired on Pootie Tang. He said it's brutal. Howard said Louis wants to make a movie but he wants the same control he has with the TV show. Howard said Louis has complete control over his TV show. He said he took less money to do that. Howard said Louis is producing shows and they have a bigger budget than he does. Louis said they were smart and they got more money for Zach Galifianakis. Louis said he banked on his own show doing well up front. He said if you take the money up front then you're banking on it failing. Louis said he gets paid the bare minimum but he has ownership of the show. Robin asked if he has to wait for syndication. Louis said they sell it to Netflix and it comes right away. He said he doesn't have to wait.
Howard said Louis was going to sell out Madison Square Garden the most times for a comedian but then the winter was so bad he had to cancel one date. Louis said he had 4 dates and they sold out 3. He said they weren't even advertising. He said that they'd send an email out and they'd sell out. Louis said they would watch sections just wipe out online. He said that it was wild. Louis said his nightmare was that he was going to put up one too many shows and he'd play to an empty Garden. Louis said they sold 4 shows out and that's where he stopped. Louis said there was a blizzard and he had to cancel a show. He said it was the one that never came. He said people could have easily come. He said that Madison Square Garden is expensive to play so if he had done that show and no one came then he wouldn't have made any money. He said the rent is like half a million dollars there.
Louis said he set up his own ticketing service for his shows. He said that he wanted people to pay less to see him. He said he likes doing less for the bigger he gets. Louis said he never had a problem with Ticketmaster but he wanted to do it with no extra charges. He said he made that so he could control all of that. He said the Garden got Ticketmaster to cut the fees and they had one ticket price for the whole place. He said no one had ever done that before.
Howard said he was reading about the things Louis had to go through. He said that he used to go from club to club on a motorcycle. He said he'd get paid $10 a gig and some guys said ''fuck you'' and not pay him. Howard said he had that when his boss told him he didn't have to pay him because he was so bad he knew that he wouldn't get a job anywhere else. Howard said that was up in Newton, Massachusetts. Howard said when Louis goes to a club he gets 10 bucks and some guys don't even pay him. Howard said Louis would walk home to save money on travel. Louis said his rent was like $1000 and he came from an apartment in Boston that was $180. He said it's really tough.
Howard asked Louis if he ever gets jealous of the young comics who are struggling. He said they don't have any pressure on them. Louis said he does get jealous. Louis said he wishes he could go back in time to those days. Howard said now he has everything but there is something about having all of that struggle going on. Louis said you see them at the club and they're shooting the shit and they get bummed that he's going to bump them all. He said they think that he's a rich douche but they have no idea that it took him 30 years to get there.
Howard asked Louis who used to bump him that was an asshole. Louis said he liked it because then you get to watch a guy. Howard said he's sure that people are thrilled when he shows up too. Louis said that Jerry Seinfeld was one who would bump him. He said that was a good thing though.
Howard said it's like being an apprentice. Louis said he benefits from watching any other comedian. Howard said he doesn't know how other comedians don't steal from one another. Howard said you come up with something original and then you get crazy from it if they do it. Louis said for the guys coming up who live in Bushwick, Brooklyn they are doing similar stuff and arguing about the stuff they're doing. Howard said he should build a mansion in Bushwick near all of those guys. Robin said he could raise the prices of their places there.
Howard said Louis describes when he went to Afghanistan. He brought up the Brian Williams thing and Louis said that everyone exaggerates when they go there. Gary said that they were being bombed when they were over there with Artie. Gary said they told them that it was no big deal because it happens all the time.
Howard said Louis talks about how he started making money and he would have $100,000 in cash in his apartment when that was going on. Louis said that doesn't happen now. Howard said that he didn't believe he was making so much money at the time. Louis said that he needed to know that he had that money. He said he was raised in a small home with his mom and he had a weird relationship with money. He said he'd go do a theater and he would want $10,000 of it in cash. He said that they thought he was nuts for wanting that. Louis said bugs can eat the money if you leave it out. Howard said he should get cash from FX when he does his TV show. Louis said it's like boxers driving around in a gold car. He said they just want to see that they're making money. Louis said that the other thing is that he had money in a gym bag if he wanted to run off to Mexico or something.
Howard said Chris Rock came to his apartment and he showed him his bag full of money. Howard said Chris called him the N-word. Louis said he did. Howard said Chris can get away with saying shit like that. Howard said he makes it a practice of not saying that word anywhere but Chris can get away with it.
Howard asked when he got rid of the money. Louis said he didn't put it in the bank. He said he just used it to buy things. He said he bought a car with it too. He said he bought a Ford Flex with the money. He said it was just an SUV that he wanted. He said he won two Emmys one year and he wanted to reward himself with a gold watch. Howard said he did that too. He said he doesn't even care about watches but he had to buy something. Louis said it's a weird impulse. He said he went to an Omega watch store and the guy was showing him this stuff and he showed him a $28,000 watch. He said he was on 57th street and he realized he could have gone down the street to buy a car. He said he just handed the guy cash and took the car. Howard said he had an Omega watch too. He said he was all proud of it and showing it off. He said it's crazy.
Howard said Louis talked about late night TV and how people approached him to do a late night show. Louis said he has been asked to do it but it's very hard. He said Howard has been on the air almost every day and that's a real job. He said it keeps Howard grounded. Howard said he doesn't think he could have dealt with the uncertainty of not knowing what his next job was going to be. He said he thinks that helped him. Louis said he can be responsible for a few months at a time. Howard said that's kind of scary that he can lose the discipline. Louis said it scares him too. Robin said he took a break from his show too. Louis said he was in two movies and he did a big tour for his stand up. He said he's never not working. He said he wrote for Conan for years and he wrote for Letterman and Chris Rock too. He said it's really hard. Louis said you have to be kind of psychotic to want to be on TV every night. Howard said Conan was on talking about how crazy Louis is. Howard said he would shame Conan into doing stuff on his show. Howard said he shamed him so much that he did a joke that Conan didn't want to do. Louis said he and Conan are still friends. He said that he's a great guy.
Howard said Cedrick the Entertainer said that Louis wrote for him too. He said that he wondered who this crazy white kid was. Louis said he was fun to write for too. He said he liked him.
Howard said Louis wrote for Letterman for like 2 weeks. Louis said it wasn't that fun of a place to write for. He said that it wasn't as much fun to work there but he loves Dave. Louis said that you could run the bit if you wrote it for Conan but not for Letterman.
Howard said it's weird that Letterman is retiring. Howard said he's doing the show in the last 2 weeks. Howard said he's just going to go on and tell Dave he's sad and then leave. Howard said Dave must be sick of the whole fucking thing. Louis said that they're guys who they grew up watching and they're either dead or they quit. Howard said he thinks that Dave is just going to disappear when he retires. Louis said he doesn't know about that. He said he's not a drinker. Louis said maybe he'll just let himself go and get into stuff like that. Howard said maybe he would do that when he retires.
Louis said that he's going to get really fat and gross when he retires and his family is all set. Howard said you want to look halfway normal though. Louis said he goes up and down a lot. He said he looks pretty bad on the show because he balloons up when he's shooting the show. Louis said touring and doing stand up you have to be in good shape. He said he works out when he goes on tour. He said he works out with a boxing trainer.
Howard said he gets exhausted from judging on AGT. He said that it must be a mental thing. Louis said that he hates that his body shuts down when he wants to do something. Louis said he may just give in to heroin when he's retired.
Louis said he gets high once in a while. He smokes some weed. Howard said he can't do that. Louis said he has his kids half the week and he works half the week. He said if he gets one day in the middle he'll smoke a little and watch a movie. Howard said he's watching a show called ''Getting Doug with High'' or something. Louis said that's Doug Benson. Howard said they just smoke different types of weed and it's fascinating. Howard said he gets paranoid though. Louis said he does too. He said if he smokes twice in a week he gets worried that he's addicted. Howard said Jack Black was on that show and he was talking about how paranoid he gets. Howard said Jack keeps smoking and then he just shuts down. Louis said he's seen a lot of guys ruined by it. He said it's a will killer. Louis said you have to get angry and upset to do comedy. He said that if you're content it takes your drive away.
Howard said he was so angry yesterday and he did one of his best shows. Howard said he was all jet lagged out and he was ready to kill someone. He said that's when you're good. Louis agreed. He said that he did an Improv show once and they all got high before the show. He said he didn't get that. He said it's really stupid to do something like that. Howard said kids today just don't get it.
Howard said Louis told a great story on Jimmy's show. He said that Louis was in charge of hiring on a show and Jimmy Fallon showed up. Howard said he saw Jimmy Fallon show up and he said ''fuck him'' and didn't hire him. Louis said that Robert Smigel was the executive producer and he was on the fence about it. Louis said he said he would never hire him. He said that the women on the show wanted him to hire Jimmy. He said he told them it was him or me. Louis said that they ended up with a great cast anyway. He said that he always hated guys who are at clubs and you hear the girls laughing because they think he's adorable. He said that always made him mad. He said that they don't giggle at him. He said Jay Mohr used to get that too. He said Anthony Clark would get it too. Howard said he always thought only ugly guys can be funny. Louis said that Jimmy is funny though so you say ''Fuck him!'' Howard said that he gets angry with the high school kids who get famous. He said that they didn't have to struggle. Howard said he and Louis had to struggle. He said that they got bullied and people call them bullies now. Louis said it's an earned bullydom.
Howard said he loved that Jimmy Fallon story. Louis said he had no stories to tell but that one came up. He remembered that story about how he cost the guy a job. Louis said the producer told Jimmy the story and Jimmy got defensive about it. He said Jimmy stopped him and told him to save it for the show. Howard wondered if female comedians get that way too. Louis said he has to believe that everyone is as weak as he is.
Howard said he likes Whitney Cummings and everyone turned on her when she got that TV show. Howard said that they were jealous of her. Louis said that happens to everyone. He said there are guys who hate him too. He said if someone doesn't get him and he's just not your thing they will get upset. He said that he gets that. Howard asked if he has comedians who just aren't nice to him. Louis said of course. He said he doesn't have any rivalries from the past or anything. He said you make amends with people at some point. Howard asked if there are any at his level that don't like him. Louis said there really aren't that many comedians.
Howard said he loves that Jimmy Fallon story. He said he's sure he would have done the same thing if he was in a position to do that. Howard said that he gets upset when Beth talks about how cute Jimmy Fallon is. Robin asked Howard if he didn't hire good looking DJs when he was doing that. Howard said he thinks he did. Howard said no offense to the guys that work there but look at them. He said there isn't much beauty there.
Howard said Bill Cosby is the guy who inspired Louis to follow his dream. Howard asked if he wanted to drug women. Louis laughed. Howard said in the last two weeks there haven't been any new women who came forward. Robin said it's like Hurricane Season is over. Howard said that he never got Bill Cosby's comedy. Louis said he loved him as a kid. He said he saw him a few years ago and he was blown away by him. He said that was probably in 2005 or so. He said he has a musical way about telling stories and it's great. He said he listened to his albums as a kid and it was a big deal to him. Howard asked if he ever met him. Louis said he never has. He said he wanted to but he never did get that chance. Robin said he doesn't mentor men from what she can tell.
Louis said that he didn't know what to make of the whole thing with Cosby. He said when it got to him was when he saw a comedy writer who was a normal looking woman telling this story about what he did to her. He said he believed her story and now it's really hard. Howard said that was the icing on the cake. Howard said he should do the garden with him and see who shows up.
Louis said he tried to do a show with Cosby once. He said it was part of a comedy festival and he had just done it. He said he was given $100,000 to go out and hire anyone he wanted. He said usually you get the cheapest guys you can find to keep the rest of the money for yourself. He said he offered Bill 50 grand to do 10 minutes on the show. He said it didn't work out but he got Steven Wright instead and that's how he got to know him. He said Steven is a producer for his show now. Howard said he is a brilliant guy. Howard said he never sees Steven now. Louis said he's still out on the road. He said that he plays nice theaters around the country and people go out to see him every year. Louis said he's a hilarious guy. Howard asked if he's a really sad guy like he is on stage. Louis said he's really sensitive. He said he's a romantic guy but he's not married.
Howard asked if he writes with Steven Wright. Louis said he has guys he sits with while he writes and Steven is one of them. He said that Steven watches every take and he asks how the takes went. Howard said that's kind of cool. Howard said that's a smart move on his part. Louis said that he's a very bright guy. He said it's like having a great player on the bench like in a baseball game.
Howard asked what it's like getting an Emmy. Louis said that it's a surprise when you get it and it's a bummer when you don't. He said you're like ''Oh fuck'' when they don't say your name.
Howard said he saw Louis do a big about going to mars or something. He said it was brilliant. Louis said that if they find intelligent life it's going to be an entire planet of another species. He said that just imagine the nightmare of what that would be like. He said there is no way that they're in sync with us. Howard said that's such a great thought. He said that we're the aliens to another planet. Louis said that we're going to be slaves to them the next day. Howard said our planet becomes some backward nation. Robin said if they're a little slow we may have to take care of them. Louis said there is no even sweet spot with the aliens.
Howard said he was laying in bed watching Louis doing that on his show and it was like a revelation to him. He said he got him thinking. He said we think that the aliens are here for an experience but they're having lives too. Howard said any way you touch it it's a disaster.
Howard asked Louis about going on a tirade about ISIS on his twitter account and then he closed his account. Louis said the two weren't related. He said those were his last tweets about ISIS. Louis said he saw something about ISIS stealing women and he wrote ''Fuck ISIS, they're a bunch of assholes.'' Howard said they're on there reading that shit. Louis said he looked at his Twitter feed and saw some of the worst things he has ever said. He said that they were offensive without any redeeming material. He said that it reaches more people than anything else he does. He said that 4 million people have it in their pockets and it's the worst stuff he has to offer. Louis said that he commented on Sarah Palin and that stuff followed him for years.
Howard said he realized that too. He said he gets paid to put stuff on the radio and not on Twitter. He said that it gets the most people but it's your worst material. Louis said that's why he took his account down.
Howard said he watched the video online where he was standing with Mayor de Blasio and he was making a speech. Howard said he was talking about his zero pedestrian deaths thing. Louis just said 'It's never going to work. People are stupid.'' Howard asked if he was in on the joke. Louis said of course he was. He said they wouldn't have let him stand there. He said that it was a bit that the mayor wanted to do and it was a bit they stole from Key and Peele. He said he even asked if they could take that bit from Key and Peele.
Howard asked if the story about shitting his pants was true. Louis said it was. He said he was trying to piss and he shit farted into his underwear a little bit. Howard said he had wet underpants. Louis said he did. He said he was worried that he was going to smell like shit. Howard said every guy can relate to that. Louis said especially once you're past 40. He said you have an anus like a loose change purse. Louis said he was looking at the mayor and he called his name and he went out and had shit in his pants. Howard asked how long he was up there with shit in his pants. Louis said it was maybe 20 minutes. He said he got in his car and went home and took care of it after that. He said it wasn't that bad.
Howard said today they are promoting the 5th season of Louie. Louis said that it's on every Thursday at 10:30 on FX. Louis said he has a new special on his web site too. Howard said that's Louie Live at the Comedy Store. You can get that at LouisCK.net
Howard said Louis had bad experiences at the Comedy Store. Louis said that there are a lot of ghosts there and there is an intense vibe there. Howard said most people wouldn't understand that. Howard said they don't know what it's like for a comic to be there. Howard said he shot his special there an it was kind of edgy for him because he wasn't sure if it was going to go well. Louis said he likes that feeling though. He said every show is a potential bad experience. He said it's interesting to see a guy working through a bit. He said that he likes to upset everyone in the room and walk people toward something to laugh at. He said if he masks all of that it's not going to be that interesting.
Howard asked if it's tough to do a show at Madison Square Garden. Louis said that it's a great room actually. He said that the sound guy is adjusting the room to the audience. He said they have 15,000 people there and you have to figure out a medium there. He said it's a subtle thing. Howard asked if he likes to see the audience. Louis said he likes to keep it dark. Howard said the size of the crowd doesn't matter then. Robin said the stage size must be something. Louis said you can feel the room. He said it's scary to go out there and you think that it could be the thing that makes it all go down hill.
Howard said that you have to have experience because you know how to handle 15,000 people. Louis said it's like starting a big engine. He said you have to get some momentum. He said what you have to do is ignore the spectacle. He said you have to forget that you're in Madison Square Garden.
Howard asked if he was really nervous playing there the first time. Louis said he was. He said he went there and paced the stage for like an hour.
Howard asked if Steve Martin was the first guy to play a stadium like that. Louis said he might be. Howard asked if he ever watches him doing his thing at MSG. Louis said he has. Howard asked if he changes his act for the bigger audience. Louis said he never changes his act like that. Louis said when he watches singers on TV he would ask them if they know what the song is about. He said he remembers a guy on American Idol who was singing Folsom City Blues and he was excited about it. Howard said that he may bring Louis on AGT this year to ask a singer if he knows what he's singing about. He said that's what they're doing this year by bringing a friend on to judge. Louis said some singers just don't get it when they're singing some songs.
Howard asked if he ever addresses hecklers. Louis said he ignores them. He said the second time he did Madison Square Garden was the tough one. He said that he looked at it like he was defending his title as a boxer. He said he had a guy in the front row who said ''You're not funny anymore.'' He said that he was like ''Fuck!'' and he didn't address the guy. He said maybe 4 people heard it other than him.
Howard said that Louis was at the Saturday Night Live 40th anniversary show. Louis said he was. Howard said he talked about how glad he was he wasn't hired there. Louis said as the host it's great because everyone kisses your ass. Louis said he brought his kids there and they got to meet Paul McCartney. He said he introduced them to Chevy Chase and they didn't care. He said Chevy was really nice though. He said they got to meet Justin Timberlake. Howard asked if he asked for Paul's autograph. Louis said he didn't. He said that he got to sit and watch him rehearse. He said his daughters love the Beatles and it was great for them too. He said he was invited to go see his show at Webster Hall. He said he was nice there too. He said he went over to say hi one too many times. He said Paul knows how to be a Beatle and he got to the point where he was just annoying the guy. He said now there's a Beatle who is creeped out by him.
Howard told Louis about taking his daughter to a McCartney show once. He said Chris Rock was there in the green room. He said his daughter asked if they could get an autograph. Howard said he has never bothered anyone like that. Howard said Chris asked what he was going to do. Howard said he was going to do it for his daughter and Chris told him it was a mistake. Howard said he went to Paul and asked for an autograph and Paul told him to wait there for one moment. He walked away and Chris says ''Told you that was a bad idea!'' He said that he blew his Beatle thing. He said he felt like such a dick.
Louis said he met Sarah Palin at the Saturday Night Live 40th thing. He said that he wrote some horrible tweets about her and said she has a Chinese family living in her cunt and he wanted to fuck her tits with his father's balls. Louis said he thought it was comedic poetry at the time. He said she pissed him off and he wrote those things. He said he had about 8,000 followers when he wrote the tweets and then about 100,000 when he got off the plane after he wrote them. Louis said that he got into some hot water over all of that. He said he caught eyes with Sarah at the Saturday Night Live thing and he wondered if she knew who he was. Howard asked if she can remember everyone who has said something. Louis said he's not sure. He said she came up to him later in the night and said she likes him. Louis said he told her he owed her an apology. He said that he has never apologized to anyone in his life. He said he doesn't really go after people and he kind of stumbled into the thing with her. Howard asked if she asked why. Louis said that her handler said that was meaningful. Louis said that he told her that he said some hurtful things about her and she said ''Well you're a vile person.'' He said he thought that was funny. He said she told him that if he was ever in Alaska she'd take him fishing. He said he would do that in a second. Howard said he wants to hate her but he also wants to fuck her. Howard said she's really attractive. Louis said they're pretty much the same age and there were girls like her in school who were athletic and smart and conservative. He said they looked at him like he was garbage. Howard asked if he could be in a relationship with someone like that. Louis said he's not sure.
Howard and Louis talked about the women on FOX news and how they fantasize about them. Howard said there are so many hot chicks over there. Louis said you want Sarah to have her clothes and glasses on when you're thinking about her.
Howard asked what Louis thought of Eddie's speech there on Saturday Night Live. Louis said that it was kind of weird. He said he did the same thing during rehearsal. He said they thought he had something else to do that he was saving for the live show. He said he doesn't think he knew the difference. Howard said he was a brilliant comedian and he thought that he could make some comments. Louis said that he never got any spots on The Comic Strip and one night they put him on after Eddie Murphy did an hour. He said that people were talking like he wasn't even there. He said Eddie was there for like 10 days and he got to watch him do his stuff that he was preparing to take on tour. He said he never took it on tour though so he got to see all of this stuff that he never took out of there. Louis said that there were a lot of people there just waiting to see Eddie there. He said then Eddie calls and says he's not coming. He said they put him on instead. Louis said he was getting booed up there. He said he asked them how they thought he was feeling and they applauded him. He said from then on he was booked as a regular there at the Comic Strip. He said it was one of the best shows he ever had.
Louis said that Eddie was a great, great comic. Howard said that's why he thought it would have been nice if Eddie had said some funny stuff on Saturday Night Live that night.
Louis said he saw Frank Sinatra doing a show at 75 and he looked scared on stage. He said he felt like he made eye contact with him. He said he looked like he was hoping that he was liking what he was seeing.
Howard said he could talk to Louis all day. Louis said ''Oh Howard...'' Howard gave him some plugs for his show ''Louie'' and for his special that's available on his web site LouisCK.net. Howard said he's a dot net. Louis said that the dot com goes there too now. He said he lost it to a porn site for a while. Howard said the special is 5 bucks and people are willing to pay for that. Louis said that it works out that way. He said that people are willing to give up 5 bucks. Howard said the special is going to air on FX after his season finale show. Louis said he gave it to them because it benefits them and they're his pals. Howard said he only did 8 episodes this season. Louis said next year they'll do a full season.
Howard said people are always asking why the kids on his show are white but his wife is black. Louis said he cast the kids first and he wanted to keep them. He said that the wife was cast later and she was a really good actor so they hired her. He said who cares if she's black.
Howard asked Louis what he's doing today and if his wife gets upset that he brings the kids to see McCartney and stuff. Louis said they are friends and they do stuff together. Howard said he hung out with Louis too. He said he liked that. Howard said he thinks that people get bored with him. Louis said it was great. Howard said he thinks that he's boring and worries about that. Louis said he can't do that because that's boring.
Louis asked if Howard gets along with his ex. Howard said he gets along with everyone. He said it's all fine. Louis said that he and his wife have a good relationship. He said they'll go to dinner with their kids when they have a birthday or something. He said his wife stayed with him during the hurricane after her house was flooded. He said that it was kind of weird serving dinner to the kids together. Louis said he thinks it's a good thing to raise kids in two separate houses. He said that's the way to do things. Howard said they've yapped away for an hour and a half now. Howard said he hopes people enjoyed it. If not they can yell out from the front row that they're not funny anymore. Howard gave Louis some plugs and started to wrap up. Howard thanked Louis for giving feedback on the Joan Rivers eulogy. Louis thanked Howard for the feedback about the hooker he killed. He said he didn't want to bring that up on the air though. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard said David Arquette is on the phone and he's not sure what to do. Howard picked up and David asked why he didn't put him on with Louie. Howard said he didn't know he was on.
Howard asked what was up with the nasty emails he sent him last night. Howard said he thought he was a friend. David said he thought Howard was a friend, asshole. Howard said he is a friend. Howard said he likes David a lot and he considers him a friend. Howard said he wants to explain something to him. Howard said maybe when he's on the air... David said he knows he just got back from vacation. Howard said David writes him nasty emails and claims he didn't call him back when he did. Howard said his wife was with him when he called.
David said that he did a show with Louis before The Daily Show and it was like that show. He said Louis did that show and they hired Louis as their daily show host before Louie was Louie. He said that the show was called the Midnightly News. Howard asked why he wanted to get on with that. David said they could have had a love fest if he put him on with Louis. David said they found him before HBO. He said he told Brandano to put him on.
Howard said David sent him an email that made him feel bad last night. David said he meant to. Howard said he's hurting his feelings. Howard said he's suggesting to David... David cut him off and got upset that Howard saw ''her'' (Courteney Cox) but not him. Howard said he went to Jimmy Kimmel's house and he saw her there. Howard said he had one free night and went to see Jimmy. David said it hurts his feelings. Howard said he had to get back to work on Monday. David said he went to his ex's place. Howard said he didn't go to her place. Howard said he wasn't at her house. Howard said he saw her at Jimmy's. David said he's just saying that he's not invited to Jimmy's now. Howard said that he didn't invite anyone to Jimmy's.
David said he was telling Howard some personal shit and he bared his soul to him. He said he doesn't do that to his fans. He said that he respects the fans and that's his favorite part of it. He said he called up 2 days ago on the day he's married and Howard busted his balls. Howard said he's trying to do an entertaining show. Howard said he did call him. David said he's got a lot of pressure on him and now he's burned her bacon. He said it hurts his fucking feelings and people in Hollywood don't take him seriously. He said he hired Louis C.K. before he was even Louis C.K..
David said he's not showing him respect. Howard asked why he needs validation for the Louis thing. David said he needs jobs mother fucker. He said he's upset because Howard treated him poorly. Howard said he called David and he was asleep. David said that he's upset with him about his ex and all of that. Howard said he can't spend an hour with him on the air. Howard said he's trying to do a show. David said he knows that. He said his whole show is about peeling that stuff back. Howard said he can't do this on the air. David said this is the best radio ever.
David said Howard changed the whole fucking game. Howard said he knows what he's done. David said when a friend calls you up and tells you about his weeding and you act like an asshole... Howard said he told him that he called him. He said he called him about his wedding.
Howard said he gets together with David at times and Courteney isn't there. Howard said that he has no control over who gets invited to a dinner. David said he'd rather see her too because she's the sweetest woman out there.
Howard said he doesn't think that he should talk to David anymore. He said all he does is insult him and he doesn't know what's going on over there. David said he just got married for the second time and he has a lot of pressure on him. Howard said he tried calling him and wanted to tell him that he doesn't have to get married. David said that anyone getting married feels pressure. He said it can make you bananas. Howard said he wanted to get through to him and tell him that he might want to wait a couple of months to get married. David said that he wants to share his life with Howard and he didn't do any social media. He said they released a few photos and people are all saying that he's a fucking drunk and why did she marry him. Howard told him to get off of Twitter then. Howard said they should only talk off the air instead of on the air. David told him not to play Gary's love tape if he doesn't want personal shit on the air. He kept calling Howard an asshole. Howard said he's upsetting him by calling him an asshole.
David said that he called to share with Howard that he got married and he was upset that he kind of hit him with that stuff. Howard said he's on the air. He told him not to call if he's going to get upset about that stuff. Howard said this isn't the best place to bond with him. David was singing about how the world needs love, sweet love.
Howard said David's wife is a lovely woman and he has hung out with them. David said that Jimmy won't come on their show. He said he went to interview Channing Tatum and Jimmy's manager was mean to him too. He said he was walking out of Jimmy's show in tears and he was sober. David mentioned that he hired Louis 4 years before anyone knew who he was. He said he wants them all to be on the same fucking team and it's all about love. Howard said alright. David said he had his heart broken yesterday and that's why he called. Howard said he thinks they're all okay now. Howard let David go and said he did hire Louis C.K. 4 years before. Robin said she thinks she got it.
Ralph said he wanted to talk about Ronnie saying he got upset about the trunk thing yesterday. Ralph said that Ronnie never told him what time they were leaving. He said that's Ronnie's job. Howard said he told Ralph what time they were leaving. Howard said he asked him and he told him 7am. He said that they had to fly out at 8.
Ronnie told Ralph that it's not his job to tell him things. He said he works for Howard, not Ralph. He told him not to ask him anything. He said Ralph is a piece of shit. Ronnie said Ralph was worried about his bag of oranges and he had to yell at him about the tail gate. Ronnie said Ralph got angry at Joe for taking a seat on the plane. He said Ralph isn't the star there, Howard is. Ronnie kept yelling at Ralph and didn't let him get a word in.
Howard said this is the crew he brings with him. Ronnie said that he doesn't bother anyone there but Ralph bothers everyone. Ronnie said he wanted to bother his car too. Ralph wanted to talk about Ronnie wouldn't let him get a word in. Ronnie said that no one falls to the ground for Ralph. He said they all talk about him behind his back.
Howard said both of these men are over 50. Ronnie said that Ralph is there but he won't admit it. He told him to change his hair cut too because it's horrible. That cracked Robin up. Ronnie told him to take Howard's sunglasses off too. Ronnie said he was carrying on like a lunatic at the airport. Ronnie said that he broke Howard's washing machine too. Howard said that he is kind of rough on things.
Howard said that Ralph got upset with Joe for taking his seat. Ralph said he wanted to go to sleep and h wanted to go to the same place he slept on the way out there. He said he eventually moved. Ronnie said he took about 10 seats that day. Howard asked Ralph what happened with the tail gate. Ralph said he didn't try to close it. He said he was just touching it. He said he was looking for a button when Ronnie yelled at him. Ronnie said he told him that he'd fucking take care of it.
Ralph said that the air conditioning wasn't working in the limo either. Ralph said that the air comes out of the floor. Howard said this is the team he has out in L.A.
Ralph said that Ronnie created all of this. He said he did this trunk thing and other stuff. Howard said David Arqutte's message of love is lost on these two. Ralph said that all he did was touch the tail gate and he loses his fucking mind. Ronnie said too bad. He said he told him not to touch anything. Ralph said Ronnie doesn't know his way around L.A. either. Ronnie said he never said he did. He said he's responsible for Howard's security and getting his cars. Howard said that's true. Ralph said maybe he should let Howard know when the cars are coming. Ronnie said he did let Howard know. Ralph said he should have told him. Ronnie said it's not his responsibility. Howard said this is why he didn't want to have more kids. He doesn't want to baby sit these two.
Ralph was trying to talk about Ronnie was talking over Ralph. Ralph said he can't say anything. Howard asked Ralph about the dinner party he had and how he was going to pay for it. Ralph said it wasn't a dinner party. He said he just got together with some friends. Howard asked how he was going to pay for it. Ralph said he has money. Ralph asked Robin if he's ever taken her out. Robin said he has.
Howard said he has to get out of there on time so he has to end this. He said he has to get to news. Ralph said he wishes he could block Ronnie in real life like he does on Twitter. Howard said they're going to have to see each other and work together. Howard said Ralph can't act like that. Howard said he was fighting with Toni, Tanya and Ronnie. Howard said no one can fight with Toni other than Ralph. Ralph told him he was right about something out there. Howard said he was but he wasn't right about the tail gate thing. Ralph said he's right about everything.
Howard said he's not even telling them half of what went on out there. Howard said he has to get to news. He said he has to be out of there by 11. Howard said he has a meeting. Howard asked what he has to do. Fred said they have to catch up on commercials. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
After the live commercial read Howard said they have to do some news now. Howard took a call from a guy and said he could have given advice to Ralph but he doesn't have time. The caller said he has a quick story to tell. Howard said he doesn't have time. He let the caller go. He said everything is rushed even though they have 4 hours. Howard said that he has to talk about Ralph one day. He said he thinks he can help him. Howard said he knows he has a lot of callers on the line for David. Robin said they have so much to talk about.
Howard said David sends him two emails a night about what a bad person he is and then he sends one that says he doesn't mean it. Then he yells at him on the phone. Howard said he likes David a lot and loves the guy. He said he called him an asshole but then says he loves him. He said he thinks he has an issue with him. Robin said he has to rethink that peace and love thing. He said he's busy calling Howard names.
Howard said they don't have time to talk about all of this now. He said maybe on Monday they can do that. Howard said he has to talk to Ralph about his argument with Toni and how he could have avoided that.
Howard said he'll take some calls during the news but he has to get into that now. Fred played her in quickly with a few seconds of a song parody. Robin got into her news and read that Bruce Jenner will be getting his cock cut off in a few weeks but not before the interview. Robin explained what will happen with his penis and testicles. Robin said that a doctor says that the surgery should take 6-8 hours.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric who said that David Arquette needs to take some medication. Howard said that's interesting that Eric is recommending that. Howard said that's wild. Howard let Eric go pretty quickly after that.
Robin said that Billy Joel is 65 and he will be a dad again soon. Howard said at least the mother is there if Billy doesn't last long. Robin said there is a 65 year old woman who is having quintuplets and she's had 13 other kids. Robin said that Billy Joel and his wife are expecting their first child this summer and it will be a girl.
Robin read a story about a woman who was trying to fend off a bee while walking her twins in a stroller and the stroller rolled into a canal and the twins drowned. Howard said he hates bees. He said that yellow jackets are the worst. He said regular bees are fine. Robin said she's not sure how you get over something like that. Robin said both of her 18 month old twins are gone.
Robin read a story about a man who was trying to kill some bed bugs by pouring alcohol in his rental car and setting it on fire. Robin said that the guy was burned doing that. Robin said he had to be flown to a hospital.
Robin read a story about how the market for recorded music fell in 2014. Robin said that sales of online music matched the sales of CDs and physical music for the first time. Robin said people are streaming more than buying. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Billy Crystal being on David Letterman's show last night. Robin said that Billy performed a song for Dave. Robin had some audio of that. Howard said he tried to get Billy in there. He said they're still working on that. Howard said he's going to be one of the last Letterman guests and Bobo wrote a list of questions for him to ask. Howard had Bobo on the line and said that he may have Big Foot on to rape Paul Shaffer. Howard thanked Bobo for the list.
Robin read about Hillary Clinton being upset that Bill de Blasio not endorsing her in the presidential race. Robin had some audio of de Blasio talking about how he's waiting to see what she has to say before he endorses her. Howard said he'd give her an endorsement right away if he were de Blasio. Howard said he'd be upset too. Robin had some audio of Hillary out in Iowa talking to people.
Robin read a story about Howard being a Hillary Clinton fan for a long time. Howard said he has. Robin said George Patacki is leaning toward a 2016 run though. Robin said that he's very close to making up his mind about that. Robin had some audio of him talking about that. Howard said that's his boy. Robin said he was at his inauguration. Howard said that's going to be a tough decision. Howard said he backs Bill and Hillary and they never throw him a bone of any kind. He said he never comes in there and talks pussy or anything. Howard said you know he's going to be getting it in the back of that ''Scooby van'' that Hillary is driving around in. Robin said Rand Paul has a very pretty wife. Robin said she was thinking about how Bill could start with her. Howard said Rand Paul went off on Savannah Guthrie on the Today Show. He said you can't do that when you're running for office.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes and asked to speak to Artie. Sour did his Artie impression for Howard. Howard asked him a few questions and Sour was laughing like Artie and plugging dates for shows. Sour even broke into a Nicole Bass impression. Howard asked where Gary Dell'Abate is. Sour went right into his Gary voice and cleared his throat. He talked about the tape Howard played yesterday. Sour did his Gary voice for a few seconds until Howard had him do his Mad Dog voice. Howard asked him a couple of questions too. Howard said he really has to go. Howard asked him to do his Scotty Ferrall voice and have him have a discussion with Gary. Sour did his Artie and Scott voices instead. Howard let him go a short time later. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about V Stiviano who has to return some gifts to Donald Sterling. Robin said she has to give back about $2.5 million in gifts to the family of Donald Sterling. Robin said she has to give back the house and some cars. Robin said she has 15 days to file an appeal.
Robin read a story about a mom who is being accused of abandoning her quadriplegic son in the woods. Howard said he's read things about tribes who do that kind of thing with old people. Howard said maybe she thought it was olden times. Robin said this was a 21 year old child that she left in the woods. Robin said she left him a blanket and a bible. Howard said Hanzi's parents should try that. He said he's just kidding of course. That led to Fred playing a new Hanzi song parody.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said David Arquette is so disrespectful to Howard. She said he's all about peace and love but then he calls Howard an asshole. She said someone should go check on him.
Robin read a story about a man who was dressed as Cookie Monster who was accused of groping and he was let go after they realized they had the wrong guy in custody.
Robin read a story about TSA agents that were fired from their jobs for letting TSA agents fondle certain passengers to be patted down. Robin said that the TSA didn't release the names of the fired agents.
Robin read a story about Gwyneth Paltrow being under fire for trying to live off of $29 a week in food to learn what it's like to live on food stamps. Howard said that it can't be $30 a week. Robin said it is. She said it's per person, per week. Howard said he would buy pasta every day. Robin said he won't get a well balanced diet that way. Howard said at least he's alive. Howard said 30 bucks a week is tough. Robin said there's an article in the paper about how Paltrow is down with the struggle but she's got mansions all over the world. Howard said he's not sure why people would be down on that. He doesn't understand that. Robin said she's trying to understand another segment of the population. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the CEO of a company who is taking a pay cut to raise the salaries of the employees. Robin had some audio of the guy talking about that. Robin said he raised everyone's salary to at least $70,000 a year. Robin said he took his salary down from about 1 million to 70,000 like everyone else's. Howard said they're going to eliminate Fred's salary and raise everyone else's. Fred said maybe he should do that with his. Howard said he would never do that.
Robin read about today being the anniversary of the Boston marathon bombing. Robin had some audio of the sound of the bombs going off. Howard said you can hear them clearly in that clip. Howard said some douche bag brothers decide to ruin your life. Robin said they found Dzhokhar Tsarnaev guilty in the bombing but they still have to sentence him.
Robin read a story about today being the holocaust remembrance day. Robin had some audio of some people talking about that.
Robin read a story about Percy Sledge passing away. Howard said the story about how he was found and how he was screwed over by the record company is depressing. Robin had some audio of Percy singing ''When a Man Loves a Woman.'' Howard said that guy got no royalties for that song at all. Howard said he gave it away and he had no idea what he was giving away. Howard said the world can be cruel. Robin said he died at the age of 73 from liver cancer. Howard said Leslie West recorded that a couple of years ago.
Robin said the ratings for Game of Thrones were through the roof again. Howard said he thought it was just okay. He said it wasn't great. Robin had the audio of the theme song. Howard said he hates that part. He said he fast forwards through that. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Rita Wilson announcing she has breast cancer and she had a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery. Robin said she's in the play Fish in the Dark with Larry David. Howard said she's good in it. Robin said she is expected to return to that when she recovers from surgery. Robin said she's getting the word out that people should get a second opinion if they're told they're okay when they feel something is wrong.
Robin said Dennis Quaid is upset about a rant he did on the set of a movie. Howard said people think it's fake. Howard said that the audio is too clear. Howard played a clip of Quaid going off on someone on set for walking into his set. Howard said it sounds like Ronnie yelling at Ralph. Howard said he heard that Jimmy Kimmel is behind it. Robin said Jimmy is denying it. Howard said he'd deny it too. Howard said he'll find out. Robin said there is a mystery there because Dennis isn't doing any movies right now. Howard said he's never heard audio so clear coming from an iPhone. Robin said they'll have to see if the truth ever comes out of that.
Robin read that Aaron Hernandez was found guilty of murder in his trial. Robin wrapped up after that and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
Jon played a ''What You Need to Know'' about today's show. Jon said they have so much to cover there. Carol said if she could pick two shows to sit in on she thinks she hit the mother lode.
Jon also said they have a poll up and had Rahsaan give them the rundown of that. Rahsaan said they're asking ''Ronnie Vs. Ralph - Who do you side with?''
Jon said that more of the story about Ralph and Ronnie came out today. He said they talked about it yesterday too. Jon said Ralph wanted to set things straight but Ronnie came in shot out of a cannon. Carol said she thinks this has been brewing for a while. Carol said she thinks with the trunk button thing that you do have to hit the button. She said that it drives her nuts when a valet or someone tries to close it. She said it can fuck up the car. She said she can understand where Ronnie is coming from. Jon said that was just the tip of the iceberg though. Carol said there was the seat on the private jet too. Jon said he's not sure what pushed them over the top. He said they were questioning their professionalism and things too. He said Ralph was getting under Ronnie's skin and Ronnie just snapped. Carol said Ronnie was saying that it's not his responsibility to tell Ralph when they have to leave but if he's telling everyone else when they're leaving it is kind of conflicting.
Jon took a call from a guy who said with Ralph and Ronnie it was fantastic radio. He said you can tell that Ralph is getting full of himself and Ronnie has had enough and he's just saying ''fuck you''. He said he can't wait for the prank calls that come out of this. Jon said he agrees. Jon said that there was also the dinner that Ralph went on and they don't know the whole truth of how that was set up. Carol said it is different if it was s diner party or just going out to dinner with a few people.
Carol said that she thought it was brilliant when they were arguing about who takes more free shit. She said Ronnie accused Ralph and then Ralph turned it around on Ronnie. Jon said these are two people you don't want to get into a fight with. He said they both get very personal very quickly. Jon said the next thing you know they're calling each other names. Jon said it was all for their entertainment. Carol said absolutely. She said that makes Sal and Richard's job easier for making phony phone calls.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Ronnie is a blue collar guy who worked his way to where he is and Ralph is just an asshole. He said that he agrees with Ronnie in this one. Jon said Ralph did work parking cars for a while. Carol said she did not even imagine that Ralph did that. Jon said people don't know Ralph that well. He said what works against him is that Ronnie isn't the only one who has issues with Ralph. He said that Ronnie has fought with people but not as much as Ralph. Jon said he wishes Howard was coming in tomorrow so he could hear more. Carol said it did seem like the tip of the problem. She said she's sure they'll hear more about people who have had problems with Ralph. They went to break after that.
Jon said Louis and Howard bonded over the Jimmy Fallon story. He said that they both know what that's like. Carol said she also likes the run ins with famous people. She said she loved hearing Louie's story about running into Paul McCartney. Carol said she was at Saturday Night Live for the 40th anniversary and it was packed full of stars. She said she loved hearing about the Paul McCartney story with Louis.
Jon asked Carol what that was like for her at the Saturday Night Live 40th and seeing Eddie Murphy do what he did. Carol said that they were all thinking that he had something saved for the live show. Carol said she felt like everyone was thinking ''That's it?'' when he did that. She said that he should have taken that moment and run with it. She said she could have done stand up and captured a moment in time. She said she missed a great opportunity.
Jon took a call from a guy who said the show this morning was absolutely great. He said Howard was on fire from the start. He said that he loved the Bruce Jenner promos and the Louis C.K. interview. He said he listens to the comedy channels and loves Louie on there. Then Howard goes to David Arquette and he thinks he has some problems. Jon said they'll get to more of that in a second. The caller said the whole day was just great with Ronnie and Ralph fighting and all of that.
Jon said he thinks they should discuss David Arquette a bit too. Jon said when you have Howard's ear for a minute you want it for the next 24 hours. Jon said he's a friend and you want to be able to get through to him when you want to say something. Jon said he thinks that they're not connecting for some reason. He said David seems to be listening but not hearing Howard.
Carol said she thinks that today was a shift in the Howard and David relationship. She said that David seems to be getting more irrational and more nutso. She said that someone suggested he should be in the Wack Pack the other day and she didn't think that was right but after today she's thinking it might be a possibility.
Jon said that David also brought up how he found Louis C.K. for a show before he was Louis C.K.. He said David wasn't really listening to Howard and maybe they'll talk more about that off the air. Jon said Howard just wasn't able to talk to David today. He said he wasn't listening. Carol said she doesn't know David but she is starting to worry about him. Jon said he can see that. He said he did just get married. Carol said she felt a shift today and it's not good. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said that Ralph doesn't care whose way he's getting in. Carol said that things start to bleed out. She said they talked about how there was a fight about where people were sitting on the private jet. She said today it turned into more. She said she can see that though. Carol said she imagines that Ronnie is going to win the poll today. Jon said that Ralph does have some fans though.
Gary said that Toni got into a fight with Ralph and you immediately know whose fault it is. He said Toni isn't one to pick a fight.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that Ralph cuts tags off of someone's clothes. She said that's what his job is. She said that both Ronnie and Ralph are crazy people. She said the only thing keeping them out of the Wack Pack is that hey have jobs. Jon said that Ronnie is a driver and security though. He said that Ralph does fashion consulting and picks out clothes. Carol said a stylist does a lot of work. She said it's not a small job. Gary said that Ralph has to pick out 10 days worth of clothes and he's not sure how many hours a week he works but he is working.
Gary said that Jon is very anal about the private jet thing. Gary asked if he would want to sit in the same seat both ways. Jon said he would prefer it but he would just find another seat if someone was in the seat he wanted. Carol said that she thinks that you just sit where you were placed before. Gary said he's been on those flights and you don't just get up and start grabbing food and stuff. He said Ralph is comfortable enough to do that.
Jon said there is no one you'd rather hang out with than Ralph. He said he's fun to hang out with. Gary said if he didn't work with Ralph he would be one of his best friends. He said he is one of the best people to hang out with.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that there must be some redeeming value in Ralph. Carol said she can't wait to hang out with him after this ringing endorsement. The caller said that he rubs you the wrong way and you want to choke the shit out of them. He said he can't imagine working with him. He said he can see Ronnie's point of view.
Gary said John Stamos has said that Ralph can hang anywhere. He said that stuff doesn't apply to a 9 to 5 job though. Gary said if Howard had a mansion and asked you to stay at the house for 2 weeks every 6 months you'd feel weird doing that. Gary said that mechanism is gone from Ralph. He said that he'd put it on his schedule instead of feeling weird about it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he's on Ronnie's side in all of this. Jon said that Ronnie was also saying that he doesn't work for Ralph and he works for Howard. Gary said he thinks he has said that himself.
Jon asked Rahsaan what the results of the poll are today. Rahsaan said that 95 percent of the people voted for Ronnie. Jon said he's sure they'll continue to talk about this for the rest of the week. Jon said today's show was great and it kicks off right after this. Jon asked Gary if he felt good about Beth backing him up with the tape yesterday. Gary said that's kind of between him and Howard but it was nice. Jon gave Carol some plugs and wrapped up the show. They were done around 11:40am
Jon said that Kelly was a judge on Britain's Got Talent. Kelly said she only lasted 3 days on the show. She said she's still not sure why she was fired. She said that she may have been too nice to everyone. Kelly said she got paid to do the show even though she was fired. She said that it really didn't sit well with her on the show. She said that it wasn't her place. She said you have to be honest and ruthless on the show. Kelly said you're the audience's voice and she thinks they're like the fifth judge. Kelly said you have to be a bit mean at times too. She said not that Howard is mean. Jon said that you have to be brutally honest at times. He said it doesn't sound like she can do that. Kelly said people like that and she can do it but she felt bad for the people. She said that they had grandmas doing strip teases on that show and she was like ''Good on them...'' when they'd do it. She said it's another thing when kids are on the show. She said it's no wonder they can have a meltdown on the show.
Jon played a ''What You Need to Know'' about today's replays. Jon said they heard a whole bunch of stuff there. Kelly said she was trying to keep up.
Jon said they have a poll up and had Rahsaan give the details of that. Rahsaan said they're asking ''Who is your favorite caller to the show? Bobo, Ralph or Hanzi.'' Jon said you have to pick from one of the three. Kelly asked why he's called Hanzi. Jon said he's a Pakistani from Canada and he's not called that because he's ''handsy.'' He said it's Hanzi. Kelly said that he's her favorite already. Jon said he's sure Hanzi will like to hear that.
Jon said the show goes places that other people won't go. He asked if Kelly goes other places like that. Kelly said that she was warned about Howard. She said that she owns a pub in London so she's used to rowdy men. She said she usually just slings them out when they do that though. She said she gets the bouncers to do that.
Jon said that Kelly is on ''One Big Happy'' and that's Ellen's show. Jon asked her about going on Ellen recently. Kelly said that was a big deal. She said that Madonna was on the show and she wondered how to follow that. Jon asked if she stayed away from her. Kelly said she knew Madonna years ago. She said they knew each other through friends. She said that she was sweet and kind to her. She said that she gave her a big hug and talked about how great it was to see her.
Jon said Madonna was on recently with Howard. He said they got on very well too. Kelly said she found her to be very normal when she saw her. She said that she gave her a hug and everything was fine. Jon asked if Kelly gets treated differently. Kelly said she's had a certain amount of success in England but not so much in America. She said that she had fans coming after her for her autograph and none of the security people were asking to check their bags after they checked her bag. She said it's crazy.
Jon said security in this building is the toughest and strictest around. Rahsaan said he's left his ID upstairs and trying to get back up is almost impossible even though they see you ever day.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he gets tired of hearing Bobo saying that the fans are jealous of him. He said he brings no substance to the show. He said that Howard makes fun of him half the time. Jon said he thinks Bobo thinks people are jealous of the access he has to the show. The caller said that makes sense. The caller said Bobo is just horrible. Jon asked if he's going it give his vote to Bobo. The caller said Hanzi is his favorite. Kelly was with him on that.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she loves Kelly's laugh. Kelly said that she's just drunk. The caller said that Hanzi is a nickname and his real name is Imran Khan. Jon said she is right about that. The caller asked about Bobo's terms and wondered if he heard them somewhere else and uses them wrong. She said he says ''scary talent'' and ''off the cuff.'' Jon said he's sure Bobo heard some version of it and he's using it. Jon said he also said ''off the roof'' so he may confuse some vocabulary. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said they played the High Pitch Eric sex game this week and he was asked what 69 is and he thought it meant anal. Jon said they asked him what the missionary position was and he thought that was anal too. Kelly asked if they know what felching is. Jon said of course they do.
Jon said Howard talks about sex a lot on the show. Kelly said they're pretty open about sex in England. She said they have topless women in a newspaper over there. She said she's not sure why they're not so open over here. She said it's a natural thing and it's not taboo over there. She said it's suppressing people if you keep them from talking about it. She said she thinks Howard has a healthy attitude about it. Jon agreed.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked how Bobo can be voted the worst caller and then be in the running for the best caller. The caller said he thinks he's a recycled caller. Jon said it's about the ''favorite'' caller today in the poll. He said you can like someone calling in even if they annoy you.
Jon asked the caller what he meant about Bobo being a recycled caller. The caller said Bobo will ask a question that Howard has talked about before and he has an answer for. He said he's not asking anything new or creative. Jon said he thinks part of the humor in him is the way he presents those calls. Jon said he was voted the worst caller ever but Howard must see something in him. He said it's about being entertaining.
Jon said you never want to be boring when you call in. He said he may be asking the obvious but Howard might want to talk about what he's asking.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she has been thinking about the High Pitch thing and they have to get Richard Simmons involved and get him set up with High Pitch. She said they have to get him in spandex and get Eric moving around. Jon said a lot of people struggle with their weight on the show. He said Kelly doesn't need to lose weight at all. She said as long as you're healthy it's fine. She said you should be happy with yourself. She said it doesn't matter. Jon said he thinks that she could be a judge based on that. Kelly said she didn't say anything negative there. Jon said they had to take a break after that.
Jon said he loves her accent but Kelly was talking about how she loved one of the callers accents before. She did an impression of that southern accent. She said that they have an American theme in her bar.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Ralph seems to be morphing into Howard lately. He said Howard has a snort when he laughs and Ralph seems to be taking that. He said maybe he's not doing it intentionally but he does things that are very Howard like. Jon said he does have Howard's look and he's been mistaken for him before. Jon said he's not sure if he is snorting like Howard with his laugh. He said it is an interesting observation though.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Kelly sounds hot. He said that he has to look her up. Kelly told him to just not Google ''The Fappening.''
The caller said that Hanzi is crazy and hilarious on the show. He said that he has him rolling. His vote is For Hanzi in the poll today. Jon said one thing he wonders about is Hanzi's sense of entitlement. He said he calls the show and he feels he has to get free stuff. Jon said in their world he is a star but he also lives in his parent's basement. Kelly said maybe they should give him a break and invite him to a few events. Jon said he has to get permission from his parents to do that. Kelly asked why. Jon said she'd have to ask him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's getting handsy hearing Kelly today. Jon said she is a beautiful woman. The caller said Howard is going to be doing Letterman and he wonders if he's going to show some emotion. He said it's come out a few times in the past years but he wonders if it will happen on Letterman. Jon said that's a great question. Jon said Howard wants to entertain on Letterman but he has a very soft spot for him. He said Dave was the only one who put Howard on in a national spotlight. Jon said Letterman gave Howard that opportunity before Howard was the King of All Media. Jon said he thinks Howard will go there and he can see the two of them going there. He said he's sure they'll crack a joke and bring the laughter back.
Jon asked Kelly what she thinks. Kelly said it would be nice if they got a little cuddly. She said they should do a tango together. Jon said they have danced before. Kelly said they could bring one of those Dancing with the Stars people down to teach them a dance. Jon said he thinks when Howard retires it's going to get really emotional around there.
Jon went to Rahsaan with the poll results. Rahsaan said they have in third place with 6 percent of the vote... Bobo. Jon said the people have spoken. Ralph had 18 percent and Hanzi had 75 percent of the votes. Kelly said she thinks she had a hand in that. Jon said that Hanzi is the big winner. Kelly sounded very happy about his win.
Jon got in some plugs for today's Sternthology and some plugs for Kelly before ending the show around 11:55am.
Jon said today's poll is about one of those things. Rahsaan said they're asking ''How do you use Baba Booey?'' and the choices are:
Jon said he has heard it used all three ways. Jon said he thinks it means a mistake of some kind being made. Rahsaan said it's kind of an exclamation but it is a mistake.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he disagrees with the Baba Booey thing. He said he feels it's more of a term of endearment. He said that it's like a hello or a goodbye to another Howard Stern fan. Jon said he thinks that's more Hey Now! than Baba Booey. Jon said when he hears Baba Booey it sounds like a mistake of some kind. He said they can have multiple meanings though.
The caller asked if Howard is always putting Gary down when he calls him Baba Booey. Jon said yes. He said he does think it's a put down and not a compliment. Jon said that Howard does say ''And a Baba Booey to Y'all'' but that's from the prank call during the OJ chase. Jon went to break a short time later.
Jon said he wants to take some calls and he sees there are a lot about Ralph. Jon said that Ralph has had a lot of problems with different people. Jon said you do want a bad guy and a villain. He said he's going to go back to 1991 when Ralph and Howard got into it. Jon said this is about 90 seconds long and it might give a clue about why Ralph is the way he is. Jon played a ''Wrap Up Show Rewind'' clip where Howard was going off on Ralph about the way he screwed up his hair. Ralph was defending himself and saying he didn't do anything wrong. Robin and Howard were both going off on Ralph insisting that it wasn't ''fine'' like Ralph said it was.
After the clip Jon said Ralph will not back down on anything even with Howard. He said Ralph no longer takes care of Howard's hair. He said he thinks that Ralph gets people pissed off because he's close to Howard and there are all of these conflicts.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks part of this is because Howard coddles Ralph. He said he almost always takes his side. He said he puts him on the air and lets him sleep in until 9 and never busts his chops. Jon said there is some truth to that. He said Howard didn't take his side in the Ronnie argument though.
Jon said Howard is frustrated going out there to L.A. already and then Ralph gets into it with Toni his hair stylists who is the sweetest woman in the world. The caller said he thinks Ralph was upset with Toni over Howard winning the best hair award with her cutting his hair and not Ralph. Jon said he could be right.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks Ralph is one of the best callers. He said his arguments are the best because he knows how to pick you apart. He said he still remembers Jon going off on Ralph. Jon said he remembers that very well. The caller said that was the best. He said that's when Jon lost his shit for the first time. The caller said he loves Ronnie too so it was like a Battle of the Titans in that fight. Jon said he thinks Ronnie had Ralph beaten down a little bit. He said he called in to talk about David Arquette but Ronnie didn't let him get a word in. He said it was a good battle.
Jon took another call from a guy who said Jon is probably the only one who has defeated Ralph in an argument. Jon said he didn't win. He said he just told Ralph to fuck off. Jon said he and Ralph are great friends now and they don't work together so that might help. He said if someone like that gets you to lose your mind then they have won. He said Ralph got to him and made him flip. He said Ronnie won on Wednesday but he doesn't think he won back in 2006 when he yelled at Ralph. Jon said no one can instigate like Ralph can.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's thinking back to the Friday Show that was hosted by Jon, Ralph and Gary. He said one of the reasons it was canceled was because of the fight that they got into. He said Ralph started being such a passive aggressive person to Howard that Howard put a stop to it. Jon said he doesn't think that Ralph killed it. He said around that time Howard got the tapes back and they didn't need to do the show anymore. Jon said that their relationship may have contributed to it. He said he really doesn't think he won that fight though.
The caller said he called into the Friday Show back then and had Ralph make a comment to him that made him want to knock his teeth out. He said he thinks that people are afraid to piss off Howard so they don't say anything to Ralph. Jon said he thinks that people have gone off on him.
The caller told another story about how Bubba the Love Sponge wanted to kill Ralph once but the only thing stopping him was Howard saying no. Jon said that Ralph knows that conflict makes you listen to the show. He said Howard must think he's entertaining and he has a relationship with the guy so he keeps him coming on. Jon said he
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks Ronnie pummeled Ralph the other day. He said he loved it. He said he'd love to see Ronnie and Ralph get in airing and fight. Jon said he doesn't think that will happen. He said Ralph is in good shape and he thinks that the two could have a fight but he doesn't think they'll ever see that happen. The caller said just imagine what Ralph would be doing if not for Howard. Jon said he thinks Ralph knows that. Jon said if people didn't do their job well they wouldn't be there. He said he has to give Ralph credit there. He said they have a close friendship and he thinks that will continue no matter what the listeners say. He said it makes for great radio. They went to break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to comment on the Baba Booey thing. He said some people just say it to make a statement and get on the air. He said people who have listened for years know it's an exclamation of a mistake. He said that's where it came from. He said that if you know that then you use it that way. The caller said some people don't know that but that's where it originated from. Jon said it's Gary who says it in that drop that Fred plays too. He said that it represents a mistake but it has become a term of endearment in a way.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Ralph is a piece of shit. He said he can't do anything right. He said he can't cut the tags out of Howard's shirt and he can't remember to pack his underwear. He said if Howard wasn't protecting him then more people would go after him. He said he's a fucking maniac. He said he does love the fights though. Jon said you can't have one without the other. Jon asked if it's really Ralph's fault if Howard keeps letting him make the mistakes. The caller said he may eventually step over the line and Howard may shut him out. He said he thinks he's a fucking piece of shit.
Jon took a call from a guy who said this week was frustrating because they were talking about Benjy and Elisa and Howard was agreeing with Benjy but Benjy would argue with him. He said that he was going off on Ralph too until he had Ralph on the phone. He said Howard defends him for no reason. He said that people really hate him even more after that. Jon said Howard was just presenting both sides of the story too. He said that he was trying to manage the argument. He said he didn't think he was taking sides.
Jon said Howard was trying to take Benjy's side in his argument and Benjy was fighting about it. Jon said that he doesn't know what Benjy is thinking giving her money and all of that. He said he's kind of frustratingly in love with her. Jon said it's hard to get on Benjy's side when you hear him arguing with Howard.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he did the same thing with a girl as Benjy did. He said he was only 19 at the time. He said Benjy is a grown man. The caller said maybe he was 21. He said the thing he did was find a hotter girl and he moved on. He said that's what Benjy has to do. Jon said the thing is that this is the hottest girl Benjy has ever gotten near. He said he may never find another one that hot. Jon said he thinks Benjy might be holding on because of how gorgeous she is. The caller said you have to walk with pride and move on and get better. He said he does like Benjy. He said he must be intelligent to be on the show forever. Jon said he is.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Ralph is an asshole. He said he thinks Louis C.K. is awesome. He said in 2009 he ran into him on a Subway. He thought the interview was great this week. Jon said Louie came up there alone too. He said he's a regular guy. The caller said he can't wait to get his Apple watch. He asked Jon if he's getting one. Jon said he hasn't made his mind up yet. He said he may be envious of anyone who has one but he's not going to get the $15,000 one or anything. The caller said he got the base sports model one. He said it's a cool thing. Jon said he wants to see it in action first. He said that he may wait until the second one.
Jon went to Rahsaan for the poll results. Rahsaan said that 64 percent of the people use Baba Booey as an exclamation. 19 percent picked ''Term of Endearment'' and 17 percent went with using it as an insult.
Jon wrapped up the show after getting in a plug for today's Sternthology. They were done around 11:55am.