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Howard started the show talking about how everyone is there live on a Monday morning. Howard said Benjy is wearing his Oscar outfit from last night. He said he can see side boobage. Howard said Lady Gaga was wearing something showing side boob. Robin said there were a lot of side boobs.
Howard said they have to rein that show in. He said it's too long and boring. Howard said the most exciting thing was Jennifer Lopez tripping over her own dress when she was leaving the stage. Howard said he has to admit he can't stand her. He said she just rubs him the wrong way. He said you wonder why she's even there. Robin said she thought of it and the people who are nominated are people whose movies no one saw and the people handing out the awards are people like that. Howard said she's so proud of those boobs. Howard said he just doesn't like her as a person. Howard said he has met her a few times and she's obnoxious. He said she runs away from him. He said just look at the guy's she's married. Howard said she can't stay married for more than 10 minutes. Robin said she thinks she's been married 3 times. Howard said she can't get along with anyone. He asked what that tells you. Howard said he just doesn't like her. Howard said he talked to her husband at a party once and she had to run away from him. He said she's a sow. He didn't know what a sow was though. Howard said she has to get over herself.
Howard said Jennifer Lopez went out of her way to diss him on Andy Cohen's show. He said she gave an ''Eww'' when they asked if she would fuck Howard Stern. Howard said he has no interest in her anyway. He said he wouldn't fuck her. Howard asked Robin to tell her to fuck off next time she sees her. Robin said she'll do that. Howard said that she has that stupid nickname too.
Howard said he was watching the Oscar's and it ran until 11:15. Howard said Lady Gaga got up and performed The Sound of Music. Howard said that JD told him it was really good. He said they could have opened the show and done the best supporting actor and some technical awards. Then cut out the rest of the horse shit. He said then you go to the songs and announce the winners. He said they could cut it down to an hour and a half or two hours.
Robin said they also show all of the people walking the red carpet. Howard said Dakota Johnson showed up with her mom Melanie Griffith. Howard said that her daughter was getting all of the attention. He said that Dakota was whining to her mother about not seeing her movie. Howard said it was great. He said he might have the clip. Howard said you have to see it. He said it might not sound good. Howard said he'll play it for Robin. Howard played the clip and Melanie said she can't see her daughter in something like that. She kept saying she won't see it so Dakota responded like a 2 year old saying that she doesn't have to see it. Howard said she was whining like a 2 year old. Howard said that's probably the first time her mother has ever talked to her that way.
Howard said that they all made their picks for the Awards and he and Robin got 3 right. He said Jon Hein got 4 right. Howard said they have video of Richard's guinea pig picking the best Actor. He said it's pretty funny but he wasn't right.
Howard said that American Sniper was so much better than Birdman. Howard said he will go back and watch that movie but not Birdman. Howard said Eddie Redmayne is good but he's kind of boring.
Howard said the easiest guy to play is Stephen Hawking. Howard said that it's a horrible disease but it's a lot easier than playing a sniper or doing what Steve Carell did. Howard said he knew they wouldn't win. He said they won't let anyone good win. Robin said J.K. Simmons won. Howard said that's right. Howard said someone said that they wanted him to win so they could see him thank Howard Stern. Howard said J.K. never said he was going to though.
Howard said he thinks that he'd rather be in a movie that made a ton of money like American Sniper than be an Oscar winner and in some movie that didn't make money.
Robin said that Neil Patrick Harris was making money jokes during the show and it was off putting. Robin said that she was wondering what that's all about. Howard said it's all about box office gross. Robin said it wasn't nice and it wasn't funny. She asked what the purpose of it is.
Howard said he woke up and got the results from FOX News. He said he likes to watch the hot chicks delivering the news. Howard said he watches that and MSNBC. He said he DVRs it so he can fast Howard through the commercials. Howard said they're aimed at people 65 and older. Howard said they're about diseases and he's a hypochondriac. Howard played a little bit of a commercial about asbestos and cancer. Howard said he has to grab the remote and fast forward through that stuff. He said he can't take it. Howard played a few more clips and stopped them after a second or two. He said he can't take it. Howard said it sounds like stuff Scott the Engineer has.
Howard said he thinks he's going to get that stuff when they plant it in his head. Howard played more clips and said there's one commercial where the guy who used to be on a soap opera comes on. It's William Devane that he's thinking about. Howard said that guy used to be an actor and now he's doing those commercials. Howard said they have the disclaimers at the end too. He said those are a bummer too. Howard played some of those.
Howard played a prank call the guys made to a restaurant using clips of Howard talking about an Italian meal he got delivered. The woman kept hanging up and telling him not to call there again. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and talked to Robin about Hozier for a short time. Howard said that he does have a good voice. Howard asked if he wrote this song. Robin said to her knowledge, yes.
Howard said that he was listening to a lot of music this weekend. He said that he went to see the play Fish in the Dark with Larry David the other night. He said that it's a great one. Robin said she just got tickets. Howard said she's going to love it. Howard said it's sold out already. He said that he didn't want to go after going to dinner. Howard said he told Beth that they can't leave. He said Beth just wanted to go home and go to bed and watch TV. Howard said he didn't know if they could get out of it. Howard said he bothered Lloyd Braun for tickets. Howard said that he's involved so he had to go. Howard said that the show is only an hour. He said they figured they could get out of it. Then they heard it's 2 hours and 50 minutes. Howard said the got there and they laughed their ass off the whole time. Howard said it's so funny. Howard said it makes no sense that he doesn't watch Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Howard said Rosie Perez and Tom Hanks' wife is in the play too. Howard said that's how they bill her in the playbill. Howard said it's actually Rita Wilson. Robin said it's Chet Haze's mom. Howard said that's right. He said the show is really great.
Howard said Mike Gillman from GroomingLounge.com is there. He said that they polled 40 hair stylists about people's hair and they named him the one with the best hair in America. Howard said that this is exciting. Howard said they had a few things they judged on. Howard said that he beat out a lot of people. Robin asked if he was a write in or was he on the list. Mike said he was on the list. Howard said they had people like Ryan Reynolds, Chris Hemsworth, George Clooney and others. He said that George was the first one to write to him and say that he thought it was bullshit.
Mike said Howard also beat out Scott Salem. Robin told him not to demean the award. Howard said this is the first time they've ever given out the award and they're smart to do this. Howard said that this is about your hair and not about your looks. Mike said that it's about the hair and that's it. Howard said people get hung up on his face and they don't understand what the award is.
Mike said that there are people who come out of the woodwork who say that he has a wig or something but he has to lay that to rest right now. Howard said that he can run his fingers through it.
Howard asked Mike to present his award to him. He wanted some music from Fred but Howard told him to just get to it. Mike said they were proud to honor Howard Stern with their Best Men's Hair award. He was repeating some of what they had already talked about so Howard had him move on.
Howard eventually got to the part where he makes his acceptance speech. Howard thanked his grandfather Saul. He said that he always had dark hair until his 90s. Howard said that he doesn't dye his hair. He said he wants to make that clear. He said he does have some gray but he has his own color and hair. Howard said that he'd like to thank his grandfather for passing that along to him. He said his hair was so black that he had to sit in the back of the bus. Howard said that it was so black that Kim Kardashian had sex with it.
Howard said if he didn't have that hair he'd look like a giraffe fucked Pinnochio. Howard said he wants to thank the other nominees who accepted their defeat. Howard said that he'd like to thank his agent Don Buchwald who sticks with him. Howard said Robin too. He said that she sticks with him as well. Howard said he'd like to thank God too but then he thinks about how he gave him that face along with that hair. Howard said he'd like to thank Toni Coburn as well. He said she does his hair. Howard said that she has been around through may styles. Howard said his hair is trending right behind Robin's tits. Howard said he'd like to thank, most of all, the people from GroomingLounge.com.
Robin said that Howard has been going on for quite a while. Robin asked where the music is. Howard said that he turned Fred's feed off so he can't hear it. Howard said kids can come from nothing and if you work hard and put your nose to the grindstone you can win best hair too. Howard said that he wants to dedicate his award to all of the people in the military.
Howard said he doesn't have any gray in his pubes either. Howard said he's said that Joan Rivers isn't there to see this win. Howard said that he was just thinking about how Joan Rivers wasn't mentioned in the In Memorium at the Oscars. Howard said that's bullshit. Howard said that he's up for any endorsement deals that are offered. He said maybe a Head and Shoulders endorsement or something like that.
Howard said they should make a revival of the play ''Hair'' and have it only star him. Howard said that he feels honored by this award. He said he's accepting it on behalf of his hair. Howard asked if he is eligible for this next year. Mike said that they hope that he continues to take care of his hair and hope that he can win it again. Howard thanked him for the award and asked if he had anything to say before Gary kicks him out of there. Mike said he's been listening since the Washington DC days. He said it's an honor to give him the award. Howard thanked him as they were taking Mike out of the studio. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that Seth Meyers is there. Howard said it's the one year anniversary of his show Late Night with Seth Meyers. Howard said they're celebrating one year of his TV show. Howard said that they have to reflect for a minute. Howard said the fear on his part was that he wouldn't be a good interviewer but he turned out to be a good one. Seth said it's not as hard as he thought it would be. He said they try to have good guests on the show. He said that he'll bring some names to the talent department and they run names past him to book guests.
Seth said that he'll turn down people from time to time. He said he'll make a sound like ''Ehh..'' Howard said that's not that he doesn't like them, they're just not the kind of guest they want to talk to. Howard asked if he has friends who can't get on the show and they call him personally. Seth said that he thinks he just has his friends on. He said he'll say yes in the talent meetings. Howard said he has to put his show ahead of the friends. Seth said they're on so late it might not matter.
Howard said what he loves about the 12:30 time slot is that they can have quirky guests on the show. Seth said the hardest thing is that they have less slots for those people than he thought they would.
Howard asked if Seth was checking his ratings against Craig Ferguson. Seth said he doesn't worry about that. He said that he lets the network handle that. Seth said that Craig came on his show and he was very nice about the whole thing. Howard said he doesn't get that because he was so obsessed over ratings.
Robin asked about this new guy coming in. Seth said that James Corden is a lovely guy. He said he never saw the play he was in but he heard he was outstanding in it. Howard asked why Seth is a better host. Seth said in the end if you're making a choice over patriotism then he's the guy. Howard asked if he has a plan to compete against him. Seth said that once you're going you don't have time to do that. He said you're caught up in putting the show together. Seth said that they had 3 weeks to put his show together but James has months. Seth said if he had too much time that would have driven him crazy. Howard asked why they're giving him months to prepare. Seth said it's hard to say if it's good or bad until they're done with it. He said that maybe they'll say they played it perfectly.
Howard asked Seth if he'll watch the show at all. Seth said he might watch it a little bit. He said he doesn't have a lot of free time to watch. Howard said James is kind of chubby so he can say that. Seth said he's a good physical comedian so that's all he'll say. He said that when you do have competition you know you won't be doing the same show. Seth said no one will be sneaking into meetings for the other guy. Seth said that would shine a light on how much more talented he is if they did that to him.
Howard said Seth's career has been pretty amazing. He said he did Saturday Night Live and went right into his own show. Howard asked if Lorne Michaels is involved with the show a lot. Seth said he's not that much.
Howard asked if it kills him to not be at SNL. Seth said it was hard at first but he's doing okay now. Howard said Fred Armisen isn't there on his show that much but he is there once in a while. Seth said it's great to have him there when he is there.
Howard asked how many hours he puts in there. Seth said that it's not as hard and stressful as SNL was. Howard said the nice thing is that they can fuck up on a night on his show but you can't do that on SNL. Seth said that he poached a guy from SNL who helped him write his Weekend Update stuff. He said he's really funny. Seth said they write during the day and they all submit jokes and he goes through them all and picks the ones he likes. Howard asked if they ever ask him for an explanation for why it's not funny. Seth said not with the monologue but with other bits they will.
Howard asked Seth if he ever has a guest who he just wants to sit down with for the full hour and not do all of the bits and monologue. Seth said they could do that. He said that tomorrow is the final episode of Parks and Recreation so they're going to have Amy Poehler on. Howard said Seth is really close to Amy. He said if he were his wife he'd be worried. Seth said that they were like husband and wife for a long time but his wife and Amy get along very well. Howard asked if he ever had sexual feelings for her. Seth said when he was in Chicago he thinks everyone wanted to do that. Howard asked if he ever fantasizes about her when he's masturbating. Seth said he can't do that with someone who has a cutting sense of humor.
Howard talked to Seth about the 40th anniversary of SNL. Seth said there was something about that where he felt everyone left their baggage at the door. He said that people weren't looking to get back at anyone or anything like that. Howard said that no one seemed to be upset and people like Eddie Murphy showed up. Seth said that it seemed like he enjoyed being back. Howard said a lot of criticism was that he wasn't all that funny. He said Dan Aykroyd was even saying that he could have gotten up and done something like riffing on the audience or something. Howard asked if it struck him that he wasn't doing something funny. Seth said that it's a lot harder to be funny when you're built up like he is. He said he gets the choice but he wishes it was something else. Howard said he is a funny man and something could have been done. He said he was shocked at his lack of preparation. Seth said that they did pitch ideas to him.
Howard said Norm MacDonald decided to reveal what was going on with Eddie. He said that he didn't want to do the Bill Cosby bit that Keenan ended up doing. Howard said that might be Eddie's story to tell though. Seth said he thinks that's Eddie's story to tell. He said that he probably wouldn't have done what Norm did. Seth said that Norm played it in a very Norm MacDonald way. He said he thinks his fans are happy he did it.
Howard said the show was spectacular. Howard said that the studio where Seth shoots his show turned into a green room. Howard said they had booze in there and things like that. Seth said that it was more about the people going there after their bit. Seth said that he sat there but he didn't set the whole thing up. Howard said that must have been a great room to be in. Seth said it was outstanding. Howard asked if people were trying to out funny each other and things like that. Seth said it was a lot more about people being happy to see old faces. Seth said that it was a sweet interaction kind of thing.
Howard said it would have been great if they had an after party there. Seth said everyone was leaving after the show though. Howard said that it could have been great though. Seth said if there were cameras there they may not have been that comfortable there.
Howard said there was talk of an after party so where was that. Seth said it was at the Plaza Hotel. Seth said that Jimmy Fallon got up on stage where they had instruments and it started with Belushi and Aykroyd performing. Then McCartney got up and then it was Taylor Swift and all of these other people. He said that they had Michael Bolton who got up and brought the house down. Seth said it was just ''how do you top this'' and then Prince got up and did ''Lets Go Crazy.'' Howard asked if he kept the lights on. Seth said he did. Howard told the story about seeing Prince and having him turn the lights out.
Howard asked Seth if he's happy with his show after this first year. Seth said he is. Howard asked who his favorite guest was over this year. Seth said that there are so many great guests. He said Kanye West is very interesting. He said there are people like Joan Rivers, Kathy Griffin and people like that who have joke after joke. He said you just sit there and let them go.
Howard asked if it's the best when a guest doesn't need him sitting there. Seth said it's great when you can transition into the audience.
Howard asked Seth about going out to the Y to interview Allison Williams. Seth said he's done interviews there before. He said that he did want the whole thing to be okay with her. He said that he got the question about her dad out of the way right away. Howard said that what's going on with Brian Williams is crazy. Howard said he doesn't have to make these stories up. Seth said the great story tellers he knows embellish a bit as time goes on. He said he thinks that people want to see that someone has a sense of humor and that's what people call him out over. Howard said that he thinks he's been punished enough. Howard said he really doesn't care. He said if he reads the news it's irrelevant to him.
Seth said if they bring him back they'll all find out right away if people care. Robin asked if they have done any jokes about it. Seth said they have not. Howard asked if NBC asked them to lay off. Seth said they didn't and they never hear anything like that. Seth said there are good jokes to be made but if it's someone you believe in then you give them the benefit of the doubt. Howard said he felt bad for Allison when he interviewed her. Howard said it has to be unexplainable to her why her dad even did this. He said she has to make a statement. Seth said he thinks that she was happy to be able to talk about how she's feeling.
Howard asked if he talked to Alison about her ass eating scene in Girls. Seth said that she left nothing out in that scene and they probably spent 25 minutes talking about it. Howard said that's a graphic scene with her getting her ass eaten out. Seth said that the scene was very well written too. He said that he did gasp when he saw it though.
Howard said he found that very exciting. Howard said he's never eaten a woman's ass. He said that it was very interesting to see.
Howard asked Seth if he's happy doing what he's doing. Seth said he is. He said that the schedule is great and they enjoy doing it. Seth said that he's home by 9 at night. He said he gets in at 9 and gets home around 9. He said they only do 4 days a week though.
Howard asked if he was bummed out when Craig Ferguson told him that he was going to burn out on the show. Seth said he talked about that back stage too. Seth said his biggest fear was burn out. He said Craig had been doing it 10 years now. Seth said that he was talking about doing this show and how much easier it is and Craig said that's because it's the first year. Howard said he thinks that Seth is happy doing it and he doesn't think this is his life. Seth said he is working on some other things. He said that they're working on a documentary show for IFC with Fred Armisen and Bill Hader. Seth said that they'll do half hour fake documentaries that are funny. He said they'll be dated back in time and they'll be on different topics.
Howard asked if he'll ever write a movie. Seth said he's not sure about that. He said it's laborious. Seth said that it's hard to get it made too. He said you might have to get a certain person to play a part and that might be impossible to get.
Howard said that they asked homeless people if they had questions for Seth and they did. Howard played some audio of those questions. One guy asked what his secret to success is. Seth said that he thinks he works hard. Howard played another one where a guy asked if they can have Jay Z on. Seth said he would love that.
Howard asked Seth about what he thought of the Oscars and Neil Patrick Harris. Seth said he thought he did a great job and he used all of his skill set. Howard said that he thought Birdman was a piece of shit. Seth said he liked the acting performances in that movie. Howard said that there are other movies that are better. Seth said that he was impressed with the acting. He said there are scripts he liked more but he liked it. Seth said he knows that just because it won an Oscar he's not going to like it any more. Seth said he liked Grand Budapest Hotel. Howard said he hasn't seen that one. He said the name alone makes him not want to see it.
Howard said he went to see ''Fish in the Dark'' and it was great. Seth said he can't wait to see it. Seth said that his favorite part of the SNL anniversary show was when Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David got together and had a very funny conversation.
Howard said that anniversary show was great. He said that Joe Piscopo was there. Seth said he got up and did an insane Bruce Springsteen impression at the after party. He said he was excellent. Howard said that people downplay some of that stuff but he had a good run at SNL. Seth said that the only memory of that time is Eddie. He said people forget about how good people like Piscopo were.
Howard asked Seth if he was irked by the Rolling Stone rundown of the SNL cast. Seth said that a lot of people pretended that they didn't care. Howard said he thinks that Dan Aykroyd was the best. He said that he was great with Belushi but he was able to collaborate with everyone. Seth said that you have to be a super utility player when you're on SNL. He said he thinks that Norm was a top 20 guy too. He said Norm was great in sketches too. Howard said he seems not to care. Seth said the Burt Reynolds thing is so good that people would stay to watch the rehearsal.
Howard said Aykroyd said he hated being the anchorman on Weekend Update. He said that he did have some great stuff in that too though. Seth said that he thinks Lorne couldn't have been happier about that night.
Howard said Seth is celebrating his first anniversary. Howard asked if they're having a special week of shows. Seth said they are not. He said that they are only at 1 while SNL is at 40 so it doesn't seem that big of a deal.
Seth said some people think that they have too many SNL people on the show but the people he worked with have a lot of stuff going on. He said it would be weird not to have them on.
Seth congratulated Howard on the hair thing. Robin and Howard said that Seth has nice hair too. Howard asked why J-Lo was at the SNL thing. Seth said she was a musical performer. Howard wrapped up with Seth and went to break.
Howard took a call from Jim from Raleigh who asked if he thinks Bill O'Reilly will get fired over his Brian Williams-like stories. He wondered if he's going to be fired. Howard said he doesn't think that it's the same thing and he won't be fired. He said no one cares.
Jim said he's happy for Howard's hair win. He said that he'd like to get him a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Howard said he doesn't want that. He said you have to pay for your own star. He said it's ridiculous. Jim said maybe someone else like Baba Booey can get one. Howard said he has the real award. He said he has everyone in the country wanting to hire him and he has fans.
Howard said he was thinking about Cheap Trick over the weekend. He said this is a band that doesn't get its due. Howard said he was sitting around over the weekend painting and listening to music. Howard said he put on Cheap Trick's ''If You Want My Love'' is a great song. Howard said when he likes a song like that it means other people should too. Howard said he thinks everything revolves around him. Howard said he thinks that the Oscars should have been about him.
Howard had Fred play that song he was talking about. Fred played a version that Howard didn't want. Howard said it's a great song. Howard said it's really good. Howard let it play for a while. He said the song is inspired.
Howard said he was listening to the Rolling Stones over the weekend too. He said when he dies that's what he's going to miss most. Robin said he can't miss anything. She said that he can't miss it if he isn't conscious. Howard said that he will miss it. Howard had Fred play the Rolling Stones ''Rocks Off'' from Exile on Main Street. He said he doesn't want to miss hearing that song. Howard said guys like that make it joyous to be in the world. Robin said all artists do. Howard said that really is good. Howard said he gets all charged up from that.
Howard said that they talked about the academy awards. He said he wants to mention a few other things. Howard said he has some email to read in a second. Howard said they had Big Foot in there with his fiancee Danielle. Howard said they asked them what their wedding would be like. Howard played a clip that they put together to make it sound like they were marrying each other. Howard said that was very sweet. Robin said that was real love when they were in there. Howard said they could make a big deal out of this wedding and turn it into a special.
Howard said Big Foot was making all kinds of weird noises in there. Howard said it sounds like jungle noise. Howard played some clips that they had isolated. Howard asked what they sound like. Robin said it sounds like a panther.
Howard played a clip of someone out on the street asking people what animal that sounded like to them. They were saying a pig and things like that. Someone said it was like a hippo. One guy said Sasquach. Howard said it doesn't sound human. Howard said Big Foot can't say the word baton. Howard played a clip of Richard trying to get him to say it. He kept repeating something that wasn't even close.
Howard said they have a clip of celebrities trying to say Gary Dell'Abate's name. Howard played that and it was a bunch of people destroying his name. Howard said even his first name gets difficult at times. Howard said that's great.
Howard said there's a guy in the email who said that he will stick by him even if he only does a day or two a week. Howard said he got some praise on Wednesday. He said that they loved Big Foot and his girlfriend. Howard said some people hated it too. Howard read both the love and the hate letters. Some people said they were throwing up hearing the interview.
Howard said they had some kids reading their email too. Howard played a clip of a kid reading some feedback they got about Ass Napkin Ed. Howard said they got some praise for the Hall and Oates interview.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said he had a nightmare over the weekend. He said he went to the dentist and they told him he has periodontal disease. Howard said that's gross. Howard said he uses The Doctors Brush Pick. He said he cleans his mouth out with those. Howard said he brushes but these are more important to his regimen. Howard said it picks out all of the junk in his teeth. Howard said he has healthy teeth and gums.
Howard said that when Bobo goes to the dentist they use the same drill the use on his hair plugs. Howard let Bobo go after that and played a Bobo theme song and then a bit about Ronnie and his partying.
Howard said he hates hanging up on Hanzi but he has other things to get to. Fred played a moose sound and a Caribou sound while Hanzi was snoring. Howard said it kills him to hang up. He said Hanzi lives in his parent's basement and he's exhausted from cleaning that up. Howard said that he has to hang up.
Howard hung up on Hanzi and got to a clip of an ABC reporter having someone yell out Baba Booey in the background. Howard played the clip and the reporter was wrapping up when someone yelled out Baba Booey twice. Howard said that was pretty great. Howard said Lindsay Lohan's lawyer got Baba Booey'd on camera too. Howard played a clip of that. A guy walked by as she was being interviewed and just said Baba Booey twice. Howard said that the guy just went about his business. Howard said it's pretty awesome.
Howard said that there are still tickets available to see the taping for America's Got Talent next week. Howard said they're doing it in New Jersey again. Howard said he asked them not to do that over in Jersey last year and they complied with his wishes. He said not this year. Howard said they have to tape late over there. Howard said he's not thrilled about that. Howard said he should have asked to be choppered over there.
Howard said once he's there and working he's in a good mood. He said he will get to see Howie Mandel over there. Howard said he gets to see people he never gets to see. Howard said that when they're all there they're fine. Howard said he'd never run into Heidi Klum anywhere if he didn't do that show. Mel B for sure. Howard said other than Howie who does the show. Howard said he wonders if there will be a happier Nick Cannon now that he's divorced. Howard said he could tell that he was miserable. Howard said he saw a guy who seemed kind of withdrawn and mopey. Howard said that he thinks he'll be a different guy now.
Howard said that Nick is dating that Nicole Murphy chick. Robin said she saw that Billy Bob Thornton got married again. This is his 6th marriage. Howard asked if it's all of the women in the world who are fucked up or him? Howard said he'd give him some advice and tell him to slow down a bit.
Howard said he's going to request that his dressing room not be next to Nick's this season. He said he doesn't want to hear all of the fucking. Howard said that Howie will be roaming the halls looking for people to torture.
Howard said Riley Martin was deep in thought last week. Howard played a clip of Riley talking about his deep thought and what it was about. He was slurring his words a bit and let out some odd noise that sounded like a belch in the middle of a sentence.
Howard said his favorite moment was when Riley asked for the listeners to send him codeine. Howard played that clip next. Riley had a caller on the line asking if he takes codeine. Riley said if he has some extra then send him some. He told him to email Eron through his web site.
Howard played another clip of Riley talking about dealing with Howard Stern and the aliens. Howard said it sounds like someone already sent Riley too much codeine.
Howard said they asked Riley if the aliens have a ''happy birthday'' song. Howard said Riley sang them a song and they took that song to a linguist who said that it doesn't make sense because the words don't repeat like they do in a children's song. Howard played a clip of the linguist talking about that and basically saying that Riley's song is bullshit.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who asked what happened to Eric the midget at the Oscar's. Howard said he was mentioned in the Memorium thing. Howard said he has tape. He said they didn't mention Joan Rivers though. Howard said Jeff wasn't paying attention. Jeff said that's bullshit. Howard said that they did. Howard asked Gary if he has the clip. Gary said he's looking for it. Howard said he has it now. Howard played a clip of some names being read and they had edited in Eric's name. Jeff said he missed that. Howard told him to pay attention.
Howard said he has a couple of things to play. He said he has Bobby Knight yelling at the fans. He said he has all kinds of clips. He said he has Vin Diesel singing Karaoke. Howard played that one first. Howard said Robin is better... maybe not. Howard said that he's not sure why he keeps posting all of this stuff. Howard said they say that's what Paul Walker listened to when he slammed into a wall. Howard said it's better than Yoko. Howard said that he doesn't watch Fast and Furious but he likes Riddick.
Howard said Afroman punched out a girl on stage. Howard said the shocking thing is that Afroman was on stage. Howard said he only had one hit song. Howard said the clip is disturbing but great. Howard said he socks this woman right in the face. He said he punched her hard too. He said that he apologized but it was sort of lame. Howard played the clip of Afroman's apology. Howard said he really is a one hit wonder. He hit her once and she went right down. Howard played more of the clip and Afroman was explaining why he did it and how he thinks it was wrong. Howard said that was from TMZ. He said he's not sure how they get that stuff and get it so quickly.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Taco the Guinea Pig made some good picks. Howard said you can see that on HowardStern.com
Howard took a call from Speech Impediment Man who asked what he thinks about that guy Kyle Drago playing Aquaman. Howard asked if comic books are his whole life. Speech said no. Howard said that guy seems to be a good pick. He said he doesn't know him that well. He said he knows him from Game of Thrones but that's about it. Howard said he had dark hair but Aquaman had blonde hair. Howard said that if you live underwater then all of the color would change. Howard said it seems right. Speech said he thinks it would be cool to be Aquaman. He said something else that was kind of hard to understand. Howard said he doesn't understand one word he's saying. He said he sounds like he lives underwater. Fred and Howard did their impressions of Speech for a short time.
Howard asked Speech if he tells people he has a speech impediment or does he just talk. Speech said he's been pulled over and they wonder if he's drunk. Howard asked why they would pull him over for his speech. Howard said he's such a liar. Speech said he'll come home at 3 in the morning from a comedy show and he'll get pulled over. Howard said he doesn't do comedy. Speech said he does too. Howard asked what his biggest pay day was. Speech said he once got $150 for one night. Speech said that was a place about 50 miles from where he lives.
Howard asked to hear his best joke. Speech said he went to the doctor and said his eye hurts when he has sex. The doctor told him ''Jeff, that's only the pepper spray.'' Howard chuckled. Speech told some other jokes and Howard asked if he gets them from a joke book. Speech said he doesn't. Howard asked if he tells stories. Speech said he does that too. Robin wondered who is hiring him. Speech said he's worked with Shuli. Howard asked who the biggest act is that he's worked with. Speech said he opened for Joe Rogan back in 1994. Speech said he did a movie and The Unknown Comic produced it.
Howard said Shuli says that the club owners cut Speech off at the bar because they think he's drunk. Howard said that he has to go. He and Fred did more of their impressions of Speech and Howard was about to let him go. Howard asked if he does like 20 minutes. Speech said he does. Speech said he needs the Ronnie Mund Block Party back. Howard said he's sure he does. Howard let Speech go and said he is a sweet guy.
Howard said they should start their own rumors about how they saw him break dancing. Howard said that this is a legitimate movement too. He said he had to take a break after that.
Howard said he got the label off. Howard said it feels good now. Howard said the shirt is cashmere. He said it's a lot of fucking money. Howard said JD cut his shirt and ruined it. JD asked where the hole was. Howard said Michael J. Fox could cut the hole better. Robin said Stevie Wonder could cut it better. JD said he didn't do it.
Howard said that JD comes over and he asked him to cut the label off. He said he cut it and then he goes home and he has a big hole in his sweater. Howard said he's a dick head. JD said he didn't cut into the fabric. He said he knows how to cut a tag off a shirt. Howard did his impression of JD and goofed on him for a short time. Howard said it must be harder to speak than he thinks it is.
Howard said that Ralph had to take his shirt to get fixed. He said that these guys insist on putting labels everywhere. He asked them to please stop with that.
Howard said they went out on the street and asked people if they had to cancel a parade would it be the Chinese New Year or St. Patrick's Day Parade. Howard played the clip of Shuli asking people about that and quite a few people said that it should be the Chinese New Year parade. One guy said that he thinks that the St. Paddy's day parade should be shut down. He had a long explanation for why that is. Howard said he likes that guy. He said it proves you don't need to make any sense in the end.
Howard said he thinks this next clip is really good. Howard said this guy named Stark has a radio show and it must be on the internet. He said they curse a lot in the clip. Howard said this guy had Bobby Brown's nephew on the show and he refuses to talk about Bobbi Kristina so the host goes off on the brother because that's the only reason they're having him on. Howard played the clip and this guy Stark asks the guy about Bobbi Kristina and he says that he can't talk about that. It quickly broke down into name calling. Stark was calling the guy names and there were some N-words and F-words thrown around.
Howard said he's not sure what that was about but it was entertaining. He said there was a lot of the N-word being thrown around. Howard said the show airs on ABC Family according to someone there.
Howard said he has a bunch of songs. He said Little Mikey did a whole thing. He said it was about her tits. Howard played that and Robin said she thought she had heard that one before. Howard said that's hot off the press. Howard said that there was one that Psych did that was similar. Howard said he has a new one from Eli Braden too. Howard played that next. Howard said he thought the word ''twat'' in that one was kind of harsh. Robin said that it's not bad in a song.
Robin said that she wanted to do some news. Robin was going to get to that but Howard and Gary were talking about some stuff that they were going to do tomorrow. Gary said they have a short visit from Mr. Skin tomorrow but other than that they're open.
Howard said he thought that chick Margot Robbie is really hot. Howard said that she was at the Oscar's last night and she's really hot. Howard said that she's been naked in some things and she is frighteningly beautiful. Howard said she has a flawless face. Howard said that Bradley Cooper had to have fucked her in Wolf of Wall Street. Robin said that was Leo DeCaprio. Howard said he had to have fucked her. Howard said he thinks Bradley crashed the set of Wolf of Wall Street just to fuck her. Howard said that he loves Bradley but he has to tell him to stop with his mother at these award shows. Howard said he should have his girlfriend there with him. Howard said only a guy in show business can get away with that. Howard said the girlfriend sits on the other side of the mother. Howard said the girlfriend would be like ''N-word please'' if that was a regular guy.
Howard said there's that other chick Behati Prinsloo who is with Adam Levine. Howard said they're like the best looking couple he's ever seen. Howard said he wants him on the show but only their show. Howard said he's the one who had them on when Maroon 5 was nothing. Howard said he should refuse to talk to anyone. Howard said one of those late night shows interviewed Derek Jeter's girlfriend Hannah Davis. Howard said she is on the cover of Sports Illustrated and she's just about showing her vagine. Howard said that if they show it then it's over but if they don't and they almost show it then it's okay. He said people are freaking out over that picture. Howard said she's really hot too. Howard said it's most important to be the most hot. Robin said he should put a list together. Howard said that Hannah changed her name to ''Behotter'' and Robin should be ''Behottest.'' Howard said that they're all hot.
Gary said he found an article from November where they say that Will Smith was photographed with Margot. He said they have denied having an affair. Howard asked how he can't have an affair? He asked how anyone could blame him for that. Howard said Jada looks good these days too. He said she's on Gotham. Howard made some jerking off noise talking about Margot Robbie. He introduced himself as ''Beugly''.
Robin got to the rundown of the Academy Awards. Robin had some audio clips and some stories about the winners. Robin had some audio of Patricia Arquette, Common, John Legend and others from various award winners. Robin had some audio of Lady Gaga singing at the Academy Awards. Howard played that and Fred played Yoko yelling over that. Robin said that Glen Campbell wrote a song and Tim McGraw sang the song last night at the Oscars. Howard said this was the last song Glen wrote before he lost his mind. Robin had some audio of that song too. Howard said he should have won for that song. He wrote it before he got Alzheimer's. Howard said that is such a cruel disease. Howard said there is so much cruelty in this world. He said it makes you wonder why there's so much. Robin had some audio of Sean Penn making a comment that had some people upset. He made a comment asking who gave this guy his green card when he read that Birdman won. Robin said that this was the second year in a row that a Mexican director won. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read about how John Travolta is continuing to be creepy. Robin said he was brought out to announce an award with Idina Menzel and he was rubbing her face and got really close to her. Robin said he also did that with Scarlett Johansson on the red carpet. Howard said dudes should know that women don't like that kind of crap. Robin said guys are out of their minds. Howard said that even he knows that and he's a douche. Howard said when it comes to women he knows not to put his hands on them. Howard said he never even puts his hands on Robin even though she'd love it.
Robin read a story about some men who were arrested in Saudi Arabia for dancing at a party. Robin said this is against the law in this part of Saudi Arabia. Howard said they could make a Footloose movie about that. He said at the end they'd behead the Kevin Bacon character. Robin read about what they were arrested for. Howard said the movie would have a song called ''Head Loose'' and he thinks he can get Kevin Bacon to do it.
Robin had some audio clips of some politicians that she had Howard play. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about George Patacki talking about how ridiculous some of the things they're arguing about these days are. He said he wants to concentrate on the real issues.
Robin read that another American citizen is being held by ISIS. Robin had some audio of a guy talking about that and how any parent would want the government to do whatever it can to get their child back. He said he knows that they can't pay a ransom. Howard and Robin spent a little time talking about that.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if he has seen John Legend and if he thinks that he wants to poke himself in the eye with his wife talking so much in interviews. Howard said there are some wives who are annoying. The caller said that they were watching and they wanted to poke themselves in the eye watching it. Howard said he doesn't see him that much so he's not sure about that.
The caller asked how the cats are. Howard said they are doing fine. Howard said they have Bluebell in their apartment. He said that she's a great cat. Howard said that she is so fun. Howard said she follows you around like a dog. Howard said she doesn't get along with the other cats. He said she might get along with other pets so they're going to have a woman with some other pets take her in. Howard said Bluebell is the best. He said she watches TV with him and she watches intently.
Robin said that she'd like to put the word out that if you are going to feed feral cats then get them spayed or neutered. Howard had Robin singing some Sound of Music stuff and he asked how that's the same person who did the Whitney Houston songs. He played some of her singing ''I Will Always Love You''.
Robin read a story about Bobby Brown's attorney saying that the boyfriend of Bobbi Kristina has been banned from her bedside. Robin said that he was offered the opportunity to do that but he declined the terms of that visit. Robin said meanwhile they reported that Bobbi's breathing tube was replaced with a tracheotomy. Robin said that she's struggling to stay alive. Robin said they are also investigating this criminally because she had taken drugs in the months before the incident. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Robin has a very pretty voice. Howard said she has a knack for show tunes. The caller said he liked all of the nominees in the Best Picture category. He said something that Howard zoned out on so Howard let him go.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn and played her a new theme song. Mariann talked over the whole song so Howard didn't hear what she was asking. Mariann had to repeat herself and mentioned that the SNL On Stern special was great. Mariann asked Howard if it's true that Whalerock took Howard on. Howard said that is true and they are doing work for the web site. He said you can expect to see that soon. Howard let Mariann go after that.
Robin read about a study that was done that found that washing dishes by hand can cause less allergies than washing in a dishwasher.
Robin said they say that breast feeding can improve a baby's immune system. Robin said that it affects the bacteria in a baby's system. Howard said that's so gross. He said he's glad his mother didn't breast feed him. Howard said he doesn't want to hear those creepy stories about being breast fed. Howard said he only hears stories about being bottle fed because that's what they were told to do back then. Howard said he doesn't want to be that close to anyone. Howard did his mother's voice and talked about him suckling her. Robin read more of the benefits of breast feeding.
Robin read a story about Michael Phelps being engaged to a former Miss California. Robin said they posted online about their engagement.
Robin read a story about the box office and how the movies did over the weekend. Howard said Ronnie gave a review of 50 Shades of Grey and said the movie was terrible and the guy didn't know what he was doing.
Robin said that there's a story about a former set of conjoined twins who were separated last week. Robin said they went through hours of surgery. Robin said they were conjoined for 10 months at the chest. Howard said it's amazing that they can do that.
Robin said that Chris Brown is an artist and his art is fetching big bucks. Robin said several of his paintings sold for $60,000 collectively. Howard asked what he does. Robin wasn't sure what he works in.
Robin read about how Hustler dancers have filed a suit against the club they dance for. They're looking for more wages and tips. Robin said they're called independent contractors and they don't get paid as much as they'd like. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Jon played a ''What You Need to Know'' about today's show. After that Jon said they have a poll up today too. He said they ask if the Oscars snubbed Joan Rivers or Eric the Actor. Jon said he thinks she did get snubbed. Jon said that she was on the Oscar red carpet for decades. Morgan said that Taylor Negron was left out too. She said there were a couple of snubs there. Jon said the highlight for Howard was J-Lo tripping over her own dress. Morgan said she loves that they're celebrating the great films and then the thing people want to see is someone tripping. They went to break after that.
Jon said that Morgan worked for Kimmel and Fallon. Jon asked what it was like to be there with Jimmy and what she thought of what Seth was saying. Morgan said it's probably fairly similar to what they did getting started. Morgan said that she remembers what it was like when the host doesn't like a monologue joke. Jon asked how she goes through that sort of thing. Morgan said that Fallon would do a live rehearsal with the audience. She said that they would hear the audience respond to a joke. She said the whole process is super fun.
Jon said that Seth is doing more shows a week now and he doesn't have to just do one at the end of the week. Morgan said she would miss doing the one show over having to do the monologue every day.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he likes the guest spots that they're doing on the Wrap Up Show. He wondered who booked Seth. Jon said Seth is a huge fan and he thinks he wanted to come in. He said Howard and Seth met last year at the birthday bash. Jon said when people come in they want to deliver for Howard. He said that Amy Poehler wanted to do that too when she came in.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Joan Rivers was snubbed to teach her a lesson because of the way she treated celebrities. Jon said they have a poll up about that on the site today. Jon said he's not sure that's it. He said that Joan made it funny. He said that she should have been included.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked where that horse tooth jackass Gary is. Jon said he'll be in after the next break. Morgan said she's just happy that they're not calling in and asking who this stupid bitch is.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they think Steve Carell blew his chance to mention Howard's name. Jon said that when you're there and there are 70 million people watching that might not be going through your mind. Morgan said she'd like to hear Terrence Howard drop a Baba Booey instead of Steve Carell. Jon said that they had a pool going for the winners. He said that Richard's Guinea Pig picked just as many as he did.
Gary came in and said that he thought Eddie Redmayne was going to win. He said that it was Michael Keaton's final chance as far as he's concerned. He said that he thought that might be why they'd give him the award if they had.
Jon asked Gary about the Joan Rivers snub. Gary said that was really a snub. He said she has been in movies and she's associated with the Oscar red carpet. They went to break after that.
Jon asked Morgan if they try to work Howard references into the Two Broke Girls scripts. Morgan said that she has done that. She said that she has gotten some in. She said she had some guys named Sal and Richard. She said she thinks that she had Max saying she thinks her dad is Howard Stern.
Jon took a call from a guy whose phone sounded awful. Jon tried another call from a woman who said that JD has all of these aspirations to be a director and all of that. She asked if there is a general malaise after the Oscars. She said she feels like it's like New Year's day after the Oscars. She wondered if JD goes around down after that show airs. Jon said he thinks the Oscars are on late so maybe people are tired. Gary said it's never very good either. Gary said the malaise is happening while the show is on. Morgan said she likes how she's acting like she was part of the whole thing. Jon said he and JD were texting during the Oscars and talking about how bad it is. Jon said that you do find it somewhat inspiring if you want to find it. He said that they all grew up watching the show. He said now it's just at ridiculous proportions. Gary said he's not sure why they have to start at 8:30 and not 8. Gary said there was like 3 hours of red carpet. He said that he was hoping when he saw Bradley Cooper that he'd mention Baba Booey just in case he didn't win. He said that he was very serious last night though. He said that it was like Bradley was like his character for the night. The caller said that's what it's like with a lot of the stars.
Jon asked Morgan about being a writer and if every writer wants to be on camera and if they let you know. Morgan said that some are and some aren't and it's pretty obvious who is trying. Morgan said she's noticed that people who don't want to be on camera can be the funniest.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked how they feel about Neil Patrick Harris doing on the show. He said that he thinks that John Travolta doesn't even look like himself now. Gary said he thinks Neil did a pretty decent job. He said that he isn't David Letterman and he's not Chris Rock. He said he thinks Letterman was in a no-win situation back when he hosted the Oscars. Jon said that you're only as good as the material is. He said he didn't think the material was that good. Jon asked Gary if Howard would ever host. Gary said he doesn't think so because there is no upside. Jon asked if he would present. Gary said he thinks he might do that. Morgan said she would watch Howard do anything. She said she'd watch him host the puppy bowl. Gary said that he'd love to have a shot from above and show the people who are Howard's friends in one color and the people he's insulted in another color.
Jon got in a plug for today's Sternthology and some plugs for Morgan's stand up special on Netflix called ''Irish Goodbye.'' They ended the show a short time later. They were done around 11:40am.
Howard started the show talking about a highly controversial subject. Howard said a news anchorwoman used the word ''Jigaboo.'' Howard said they were talking about it before the show and they were wondering how that happened. Howard said he has a theory. He played the clip of this news anchor who was talking to another anchor about Lady Gaga's performance on the Oscar's. She said something about the ''Jigaboo music'' during her performance. Howard said the male anchor is a black man. Robin said that has nothing to do with her using that word. Howard said that he probably wants to chop her head off. Howard said that he thinks she's an idiot like most anchor people who read for a living. Howard said he was wondering what she was trying to say. He said maybe she was trying to say ''all of that rigmarole.'' Robin said no way. Fred said he thinks she was going for Jigaboo. Howard said if it was Lady Gaga isn't known for doing R&B or rap. Robin said there is a big beat in the music.
Howard said Gary said maybe she was going for ''Jitterbug'' music. Howard said that maybe you think that's just wild music. Howard said Sal said maybe she was trying to say ''Hullabaloo.'' Howard said no one is going to go on the air and say ''Jigaboo'' music like that. Robin asked if anything has happened to her yet. Howard said he doesn't know. He just has the clip.
Howard played the clip again after Robin told him to. Howard said there is no way she knows what that means. He said his first thought was that she'd be a great replacement for Brian Williams. Howard said she was a Miss Missouri in 2006. Howard said there is no way she's working with all cylinders. Howard said she's such a nincompoop. Robin said some of these news people are just stupid.
Howard said his dad would listen to the 1010 News there in New York and the news anchor would have to ad-lib and they'd always say something stupid when they did. Robin said this woman was off script for sure. Howard said no one wrote that into her speech. Robin said that they were talking about how you can't hear Lady Gaga's voice over that music.
Howard asked why she would use a word she doesn't know the meaning to. Howard said if you're broadcasting at a Klan meeting then it goes over very well. Howard said no one even uses that word anymore. Robin said tat she's not sure where she's from.
Howard said he has a guy from Cleveland on the phone. The caller said that she is a dope. He said he believes that she heard her uncle saying it around the house and she thinks it's a normal thing. He said she's on in that area. Howard asked if the papers are making a big deal out of it. The caller said they are. Howard said it hasn't broken nationally yet. The caller said she's Latino and not a white person.
Howard took a call from a guy who said she was just on the air crying saying she doesn't know what it meant. He said the guy sitting next to her is the guy who said that another guy was sucking a skin flute. Howard said that it's the moron news. JD said that if she's doing it now then he'll get it in a few minutes. Howard thanked the caller.
Howard was going to go to break but he had the skin flute comment from the news anchor. Howard played that before going to break. The anchor is the guy who was with Kristi during the Jigaboo comment clip. The anchor said he plays the skin flute and the other news anchors were laughing at him.
Howard said he probably had to make an apology for that. He said this girl is going to be apologizing for days. He said it would be great if she used the N-word during her apology. He said that life isn't that great though. They went to break after that.
JD came in with the Kristi Capel crying clip. He said she's not crying really hard or anything. Howard played the clip of her saying ''Jigaboo'' and then said he can't wait to hear her explain it. Howard played the explanation and Kristi gets on and took a moment to address the comment she made the day before. Kristi said she deeply regrets that comment and she didn't know what the word meant. She said she promises to learn from that. Her co-anchor said he knows she doesn't mean it and he knows her family so he knows that she didn't mean it. He said they learn from it and move on. He said it's time to forgive and move on. He said she's a good girl and she wouldn't say that knowingly.
Howard said she had no explanation. He said he needs one on that Howard said she should have to fuck Lebron James to prove she loves black people. Howard said if you get in trouble then just go to a black church. Howard said that apology is not accepted. He wants more of an explanation.
Howard played Sal's apology clip that sounded similar to Krisit's apology. Howard was laughing through that clip. Robin was too. Howard said that Sal was defending this woman. He said he has a wacky theory about the whole thing. Howard said that Sal had this thing where he said if they found crickets on the moon then you should be able to say Moon Cricket. Sal came in and said that he can't explain the Jigaboo thing. He said if they found a bunny in the jungle then what happens? He said that you say you have a jungle bunny. Howard said Sal is retarded. He said that's ridiculous. Robin said he's so silly. Howard said that he could say bunny jungle instead of Jungle Bunny. Sal said that it literally would be. Howard asked what if he saw a monkey on a porch. Sal said it's a porch monkey. Sal said that if he has a meatball with a lot of grease on it then he can say grease ball and Italians won't be offended.
Howard asked what would happen if a construction worker dropped tar on a baby. Sal said it would be a tar baby. Sal said you can't say anything anymore. Howard said he loves talking to Sal. He said he is his favorite.
Sal said he was reflecting on something yesterday. He said he was thinking about how he has been assisted by African American people in the toughest times in his life. He said he had to go to the hospital and there were a lot of African Americans helping him out. He said he broke his arm in Florida and he had a big bruise on his face. He said all of the comics were making fun of him. He said a black woman helped him and made his breakfast for him. Howard said if she knew who he was she wouldn't have helped.
Sal said that things can be taken out of context. He said he's not defending this girl but that's how it could have happened.
Howard played a Swap Shop show clip where the host read about a ''jungle bunny'' that was imported from Nigeria that someone had for sale. Howard said they're idiots too. The host read about some ''Bukakke sauce'' they had for sale too. Then she said that they had a recipe for Blumpkin Pie. They also had a shower set from Golden Showers. They had no clue what they were reading. The host then says that they have a contractor in the area who is going to be ''dropping loads'' of dirt that day and they were free. They had a ''rim job'' brand rim set.
Howard said that they just kept reading in that clip for 3 minutes. Sal said he and Richard just kept sending stuff and they read everything they sent to them. Sal said that they got caught and they stopped taking their calls and emails. Sal said they have to search for new ones and try those.
Howard said they're idiots. Sal said he and Richard did one where a radio host tells people to say hello to Curly Pubes. Sal said they love getting that stuff on the air. He said it gives them such a high. Howard said that's Sal's Super Bowl. Sal said that it is. Robin said they were reading earnestly and they got all of that stuff on the air.
Howard asked Sal if he gets so excited that he has to go to the bathroom with Richard. Sal said they do. Richard wasn't able to find the ''curly pubes'' clip Sal was talking about.
Howard wondered if Sal is a Wack Packer. Sal said no way. Howard said he thinks he might be. Sal asked if a Wack Packer would make a prank call with Crazy Alice's voice sped up like a child. Sal said that call was about 18 minutes long. Howard said he wants to hear all of that. Sal said he thinks a lot of it is him trying to calm them down. He said that he could do a 7 minute cut. Howard said this is a good one where Sal sped up Alice's voice like a child's voice. Howard played the clip where Sal is the father and he says he has a child, Benjy, who is possessed. The child was Alice's voice sped up and screaming at the host of the show. Howard laughed through the whole clip.
Howard said that's so great. They're trying to get him to go to a church. Like that's going to help. Robin said they just need him off the air.
Howard said he has the Curly Pubes call. Howard played that next. They had a Swap Shop show where the hosts were reading birthday wishes and they mentioned ''Curly Pubes'' and then read a bunch of things for sale that were just tongue twisters and nonsense that Sal and Richard had sent in. Howard said that is a good one.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got wind about the racist comment thing yesterday. He said the first thing that went through his mind was the Sal thing and how they should have her go through that. Howard cut the caller off in the middle of a comment because he got bored. Howard said he was trying to be polite and listen but he zoned out.
Howard said he was going to break for commercial on a high but now he has to find someone else. Howard picked up and the guy was on Speakerphone. He asked if Howard watched Gotham last night. Howard said he did. Robin said she hasn't seen it yet. Howard said that they have to wait 48 hours before giving spoilers. Howard said he watched Justified and the rest of the Oscar's. Robin said she watched The Bachelor. Howard said he's watching Beverly Hills Housewives and Banshee too. Howard said he's behind on Better Call Saul. The caller said he's on Banshee and it's really good. Howard said just wait until he gets to the guy's Amish Niece.
Howard said they have Mr. Skin coming in today to tell them about the great moments in nudity. Robin said she was watching The Bachelor and they leave you on a cliffhanger every week. Robin said she didn't think she could stop watching. Robin said that Howard hounded her into watching it and now she is. Howard said they're in the golden age of television. Howard said the show is a little long but he's there. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard came back and said that he has Mr. Skin from MrSkin.com there. Howard said that they're about to do the Anatomy awards. Howard said that if you want to follow along they have something very exciting happening. Howard said on HowardStern.com you can go on and watch as they're announcing the awards. Howard said they should change the name to Skinatomy Awards. Mr. Skin said maybe next year they can do that.
Howard said that they have some pictures to go along with the awards. Howard said they have Best Upskirt and you can follow along on the web site. Mr. Skin said that was at the Miss America Pageant last year. Mr. Skin said they had a girl named Megan Swanson there with her legs spread. He said that she was in a short skirt and she bends down to pick something up and you see a front wedgie. Howard said the guys are spot on with this stuff. Howard asked how he finds out about that. Mr. Skin said they go into the office and find it on HD TV. Howard said it was on MrSkin.com within 24 hours. Mr. Skin said this is very important stuff.
Howard said you can see the front wedgie on HowardStern.com. Howard said that it's wedged right up her vagina. Mr. Skin said that her legs shouldn't be that wide open. Robin said absolutely not.
Howard took a call from Bill Clinton who asked about Selma Hayak and if she's ever shown any Fur Burger. Mr. Skin said she did Ask the Dusk and she does go for a skinny dip and she shows her bush.
Howard said he wants to go the Anatomy Awards. Howard said the first one is Best Nudecomer. Howard said that goes to Gaia Weiss. He said that she is their Nudecomer of the year.
Howard took another fake phone call from a guy named Al who asked about black camel toe. it was an Al Pacino impersonator. Mr. Skin said Mariah Carey had some camel toe that she showed once.
Howard said the next category is the best butt hole blur fail. Mr. Skin said it's from the show Dating Naked on VH1. He said that it's a reality show and the couples are naked. He said someone is in charge of blurring the stuff. He said there was a girl and a guy playing football on the beach naked and as she tackles the guy her butt and rear burger was missed. He had the shot available for Howard to look at.
Howard said that he just got word that HowardStern.com has crashed. Jason said that they're trying to get it back up. Howard took another phony call from Julie Andrews who asked about herself. Mr. Skin said she has shown her breasts and they were spectacular.
Howard had a call from John Travolta who asked about the MrMan site and he wondered if John Hamm has shown anything. Mr. Skin said there are rumors that he's very well endowed but no one has seen it on film.
Howard had Bill Cosby on the line and he asked what the best nude sleeping scene of the year is. Mr. Skin said there weren't many passed out this year. He said Lisa Bonet did one in Angel Heart in 1997 though.
Howard said the next award is for Best Breasts. Mr. Skin said this was from True Detective and it's Alexandra Daddario. Mr. Skin said he knew it was going to be the best of the year as soon as he saw that scene. Howard said they have great taste. He said she has great breasts.
Howard said that the next category is Best Over 50 Nude scene. Mr. Skin said that sometimes actresses getting up in age have done scenes naked. Mr. Skin said this is Sharon Stone in Fading Giggalo. He said she's 56 years old and she looks great. Howard said the picture is stunning. Howard said he's not a fan of her's but she does look good. Howard said she made him leave past the garbage area at Letterman once and that's why he doesn't like her.
Howard asked what the next category is. Mr. Skin said it's Best Full Frontal. Mr. Skin said that this is Scarlett Johansson in ''Under the Skin.'' Howard said she has a hairy vagine too. Mr. Skin said she plays an alien who prays on Irish hitchhikers.
Howard took a call from Rosie O'Donnell who asked about Phoebe Cates and when they can see her naked. Mr. Skin said she's nude at 50 minutes in.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about Mr. Skin's top searched people. Mr. Skin said that Jennifer Love Hewitt is one that gets searched but she hasn't done any nudes yet. Howard said she is the one. Mr. Skin said they have the most popular on the front page of the web site. He said that he wonders what it is about her that they go crazy for. He said she hasn't shown her breasts yet but he thinks it would be a big deal if she did. He said never say never to nudity either.
Howard said Mr. Skin said that Emma Watson will be topless this year. Mr. Skin said a lot of guys are fans of her and she's going to be in Regression. It won't be out until August though. He said his guys tell him that they have seen early cuts of the movie and they have confirmed it. Howard asked how her breasts are. Mr. Skin said they're not big.
Howard asked who else can they look forward to. Mr. Skin said Kristin Wiig will be full frontal in this movie. He said she's never been naked before. Howard asked if she has big boobs. Mr. Skin said no but she does look good.
Howard asked about Sarah Silverman. Mr. Skin said his guys were at Sundance and they saw a movie called Smile Back and she's examining her breasts in one scene. Then she tries anal sex in another scene. Howard said they won't see penetration. Mr. Skin said no but it is rated R.
Howard asked what is being talked about being the best for this year. Mr. Skin said that Emmy Rossum on Shameless had a great scene where she was getting eaten out. He said that Dakota Johnson is the best nudity so far for 50 Shades. Howard said Emmy seems to be naked just about every week. Mr. Skin said not every episode but that's what's great about cable TV. He said they have some real nudity on cable. He said they're pushing the envelope. Howard said business must be booming at Mr. Skin's web site. Mr. Skin said they started out with movies and then moved on to TV and cable. He said there are a lot of great things on TV that they have to watch.
Robin said that they have scenes that look like real sex but they're not allowed to film real sex. Howard asked what she's saying. Robin said she thinks they're going to see real sex eventually.
Howard asked if HowardStern.com is back up and running. Howard said the next category is Hottest Masturbation category. Mr. Skin said that he loves this girl. Howard said it's a great shot of this girl. Mr. Skin said that it's Lilly Simmons and she's on Banshee. He said that a masturbation scene used to be simulated but she's topless laying on her back and she's gorgeous going down on herself. He said Banshee is off the charts with that stuff.
Howard said that the web site is still down but Jason told him that they had everything up on Twitter and Facebook for people who weren't able to get on the web site.
Howard asked Mr. Skin about this Best Butt scene. Mr. Skin said that Kerri Russell did a scene where she showed her ass. He said she has a very nice butt too and she has a nice thigh triangle too.
Howard said that they have the web site back up now. Howard asked Mr. Skin to talk about the Best Pressed Mams scene. Mr. Skin said that this is where a woman presses her breasts against glass. Mr. Skin said this nurse in this movie presses her breasts on the glass and a guy is taking her from behind. Mr. Skin said that there are other scenes like that in the past but this is one of the best in history.
Howard said that the next award is Best Sideburger. Mr. Skin said the winner is Nicole Fox in Redlands. Mr. Skin said she won the 13th season of Next Top Model. He said that she's laying on a lounge chair on her side and she's on her side looking really good. Howard said you can see the outline of the vagine. Howard said you can see all of this on HowardStern.com
Howard said they have the Best Lesbian Scene up next. Howard said Mr. Skin is doing a great job with all of this. He said we wouldn't know about all of this if it wasn't for him. Mr. Skin said the name of the movie is 17 and Life Jailbreak. He said it's Sara Malakul in that movie and it's a lot of lesbian stuff in the movie. Howard saw the picture and said he has to get that movie.
Howard asked Mr. Skin how old his kids are now. Mr. Skin said they're 7, 10 and 9. He said things are going to be getting tough around now. He said they don't know the level of depravity yet.
Howard asked Mr. Skin if he and his wife have decided when they're going to reveal themselves. Mr. Skin said he's not there yet. He said he can't do that to a 10 year old daughter. He said everyone he lives around is successful so he can't do it to them yet. Mr. Skin said they know who he is but it's tough. Howard asked how he's going to break it to them. Mr. Skin said he's not ashamed of what he does. He said they have 35 people working there and they're going to be in the Entourage movie this summer. He said it will be weird to tell his kids but he will do it eventually.
Howard had a Liam Neeson impersonator call asking about Anne Hathaway. Mr. Skin said Anne did the movie Love and Other Drugs and she has some good nude scenes in that. He said she's good in Havoc too.
Howard said there's a Best Nip Drip award. Mr. Skin said this is creepy. He said there's a show called Lilyhammer and there's a guy looking at a woman breast feeding and they have a close up of her breast. He said there was another one on Hemlock Grove and they showed her with a nip drip. Mr. Skin said the nip drips are in. Howard said that all of these photos are on HowardStern.com
Howard asked about Stretchiest Nipples. Mr. Skin said that there's a movie called Nymphomaniac and there's a woman in the movie who puts her nip in another woman's mouth and she pulls the nip really far. Mr. Skin said that it's the winner for the year. Howard said it looks like a worm being pulled out of the ground.
Howard asked Mr. Skin about Sharon Stone spreading her legs in Basic Instinct and asked if that was the most searched on the web site. Mr. Skin said it is the most famous scene. He said it's iconic.
Mr. Skin said that there's a movie where Sylvia Hoakes shows her fur burgerage. She was also sucking her toe. Mr. Skin said this is the first tie that has happened. He said that's why it won.
Howard said he doesn't feel like beating off to this stuff but guys must do that. Mr. Skin said he's sure they do. He said he can't deny that. Mr. Skin said there are guys who would rather see the real celebrity nude because it's such a strong pull. He said the celebrity factor is what they're into.
Howard asked about Monster Muff and who won. Mr. Skin said it's Gabby Hoffman. He said that she plays Adam Driver's sister. He said she has a huge muff and she was the little girl in Field of Dreams and Uncle Buck. He said she's kind of a hippy girl and that's probably real hair.
Howard asked about Best Upside Down Cake. Mr. Skin said this is a weird scene. He said that the movie is 24 Exposures and she's nude except for a pink leotard. He said that she stands on her head and the guy pulls the leotard to the side as she's upside down so her butt is exposed. He said it's beautifully shot. He said the scene is very hot too.
Howard took a call from a fake Morgan Freeman who asked what movie Kathy Bates was nude in. Mr. Skin said it was About Schmidt in 2002. He said that's out on Blu-ray now so you can see it in even better definition. Mr. Skin said it's not the most popular but people do like to see older women naked.
Howard got to Best Right Boob only. Mr. Skin said that's for Masters of Sex and Betsy Brandt. He said she only showed right breast but it was cool.
Howard asked about Best Lip Slip. Mr. Skin said that's in Californication. He said that he's a big fan of the winner of that one. Mr. Skin said that was a great show for his web site.
Howard asked about the lip slip and she's on a bed in her panties. Howard said if they didn't slow-mo it they'd miss it. Mr. Skin said that they'd miss it if they didn't do that. Howard said they isolate these frames and show the side lippage.
Howard said they say Best TV show is Masters of Sex. Howard asked if that's because of the nudity. Mr. Skin said that it's the second year in a row that it's won. He said the show has the lead character doing nudity but they have Betsy Brandt and people lie that naked too. He said it's the best.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Mr. Skin saw the hacked photos. Mr. Skin said he's not cool with that. He said that he thinks it has to be someone who is actively in a movie or TV show. Howard said he agrees.
Howard asked about Breast Picture. Mr. Skin told Howard about the movie Nymphomaniac and how they had real sex in the movie. He said they had real penetration.
Howard asked about the award for the best body of work. Mr. Skin told Howard about that and how Chloe Sevigne won the lifetime award.
Howard had a call from fake President Obama who asked who has the sexiest nipples. Mr. Skin went with Scarlett Johansson. Howard said he should mention that Mr. Skin has a web site for naked men too. Howard said he has a very big gay web site now. Mr. Skin said it's doing very well. He said they have a Manatomy Awards over there. He said 10 years ago he never thought they'd be doing this but they are. Howard said it's not women paying for it though. Mr. Skin said they do have women members but it's not 50/50 like he was thinking it would be.
Howard said that they should get into the Wack Pack thing. He said Gary Dell'Abate said he would want to be Gary the Conqueror because he's always happy and doesn't know he's limited. Gary came in and said that Gary is happy today. He asked if he's worried about the terrorists. GTC said he's not. Howard asked if he's worried about global warming. GTC said no. Howard asked what he does worry about. GTC said he has to do a show on Tuesday and Thursday on the internet. Robin said that's what he's worried about. GTC said he's going to be 64 this month.
Gary asked GTC if he smokes and worries about lung cancer. GTC said he doesn't worry. Howard asked if he is lonely. GTC said he is. Howard said he can't get girls. Howard said some girl robbed him the one time he did get a girl. Gary said that many of them are isolated. He said if you look at Jeff and Eric they're alone too.
Howard asked GTC if he worries about paying his bills. GTC said he has a roof over his head and that's it. Howard asked if he knows what Jigaboo means. GTC said no. Howard said that means that chick is just as dumb as Gary.
Howard asked GTC if he's sorry he doesn't have kids. GTC said no. Howard said he doesn't even worry about that. Howard asked if he's happy with his looks. GTC said no. Howard said there you go. Howard asked if he thinks he's good looking. GTC said he doesn't know. Howard said he knows he's not good looking himself. He asked if he thinks he's good looking. GTC said he thinks Howard is good looking.
Howard asked what he looks forward to every day. GTC said he likes going to work and doing the best he can. He said he's been working for almost 11 years in that place.
Howard said they're trying to figure out whose life they'd want if they were a Wack Packer. Gary said he'd want to be GTC. Gary said he doesn't want to be Ass Napkin Ed. He said he thinks he knows too much and he is aware of his life. Howard said he thought Gary wanted to be GTC because he didn't want to change his name.
Howard let GTC go and wished him a Happy Birthday. Howard said he thinks he wanted to get up there somehow. Howard said they sent him to the moon but they scared the crap out of him. Howard said they put him on a cart and sent him to the green room which looked like the moon. He said that Gary got scared and wanted to come back home. Howard said he didn't like being in the spaceship or anything. He said that he hated it.
Howard said he's not good with the retarded people. He said he can't do that stuff anymore. Howard said Gary was yelling to get out of the spaceship.
Howard had Ronnie come in. Ronnie came in and wondered why the strippers would want to be employees instead of contractors. Ronnie said that they get paid better if they are independent. Ronnie said they get all of their money. He said they pay a house fee and then they tip out the DJ and other things. He said they make more money doing that than with a salary. Robin said they are asking for a salary and no grabbing of their tips. Howard said a lot of clubs are holding too much money. Gary said they are taking a portion of the ''Beaver Bucks'' at the Hustler club. Howard said Ronnie doesn't understand what they're doing. Ronnie said he still thinks it's stupid. He said he didn't want to get into it though. He said it's all top secret. Ronnie said that he doesn't ant to get into all of this. He said it involves cash. He said these girls are going to fuck themselves with this lawsuit.
Ronnie said he loves the name Beaver Bucks. He said that it's a $20 bill or whatever. He said the club gets $2 out of that. Gary said that she's paying that on every $20. Robin said they can't use cash. Howard said they can't use cash. Ronnie said that's why it's stupid. Howard asked how they'll know if they get cash or not. Ronnie said that's the point. He said he really doesn't want to get into it.
Howard said the girls claim that the percentage taken out of the Beaver Bucks is too much. Gary said he thinks that Ronnie is saying that if they tax it and don't make it a cash business then they're going to make less money. Howard said that he doesn't want to discuss this. He wanted to get to the Wack Pack thing.
Howard asked if Angry Black is in the Wack Pack. Ronnie, Robin and Howard all said no. Howard asked about Ass Napkin Ed. Robin said he is a Wack Packer. Gary said he's full Wack Pack. Howard said Beetlejuice is in. Big Foot is in. Bobo was next. Howard and Robin said no. Ronnie said he is Whacked but not in the Wack Pack. Howard said he's an extreme fan. Howard asked about Crackhead Bob and put him right in. Angry Alice was next. She's in. Daniel Carver was out. Howard said he's not sure he agrees. Robin said he has an ability to take care of himself and make decisions. Gary said he's not unique either.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he worked at a club in Cleveland and the club would screw the girls. He said they charge the customer 10 percent and then the girls have to pay money on that too. He said everyone gets screwed there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Ronnie has a point. He said it's about making minimum wage or below minimum. He said the tips have to add up to at least minimum or the club has to make it up. He said that they're going to monitor all of the tip money to make sure they hit that level. Howard asked if this is what Patricia Arquette was talking about at the Oscar's. Robin said no. Howard said he doesn't care anyway.
Howard asked about Evil Dave Letterman. Robin and Gary said he's on the bubble. Ronnie said he thinks he is. He said just listen to him sometimes. Gary said he has a job and a life though. Ronnie said he has a wife. Robin said that doesn't mean anything. Howard said he's not really a Wack Packer. Howard said he's not a carnival guy. They voted him out. Benjy said that there are super heroes who aren't genetically different. He said he thinks Daniel Carver was at one time.
Sal asked if he could say something. Howard told him to come in the studio instead of talking over Gary's microphone. Sal said Evil Dave is in the Wack Pack because he will do whatever you tell him to do. He said a normal person thinks about it before doing it. Howard said Sal belongs in there then. He said he does everything they ask him to do.
Howard played a clip of Evil Dave preparing to get on the air and eating chips. Benjy said they have to signal Evil Dave with a flashlight. He doesn't want his wife knowing. Howard said he will take a vote on this. He said no. Gary said no but close. Robin said no but close. Ronnie said the same thing. Sal said he agrees with them now. He said Evil Dave holds a job too. Howard said he thinks Sal is more Wack Pack than Dave.
Howard said High Pitch is in. Iron Sheik is out. Everyone agreed. Howard said Fred the Elephant Boy is in. Howard said Gary the Conqueror is in.
Howard said Hanzi is the next one. Howard asked if he is. Gary said yes. He gave his reasons why. Howard said he thinks he agrees. Robin did too. No one disagreed.
Howard took a call from Hanzi and welcomed him into the Wack Pack. Hanzi said fuck you to Gary. Hanzi said Howard claims he can make anyone a star but he always screws him over. Howard asked how he's screwing him over. Hanzi said that he is. Howard said he cant force anyone to put him in anything. Hanzi said he can. Howard said this really is Wack Pack. Howard said he has to go. Hanzi asked if he can have Rude Jude on the show. Howard said sure. Hanzi said that he's going to have a show on HBO. Howard let Hanzi go after that but Hanzi kept telling him to hold on. He said he's the best thing about his show.
Howard said that Hanzi got some feedback about Hanzi sleeping on the phone and they love it. Howard said people say that his job is calling into the show and he can't even stay awake for that. Howard asked what happens there. Hanzi said he's up all night. He said he's catching up on TV shows and shit.
Howard said he has to go. He hung up on Hanzi this time. Jeff the Drunk and John the Stutterer were in the Wack Pack. Howard said King of All Blacks is not in. Everyone agreed but Benjy. Benjy said he is a character. Howard said he's not Wack Pack. Howard said King has things to say but he's not a freak show act. Howard said Hanzi is a freak. Gary said Ass Napkin Ed is too then. Howard said King doesn't have any of that gravitas. Howard said Benjy is arguing. Howard took him out of the voting.
Howard said Mariann is not Wack Pack. Ronnie said she's their ring leader. Howard said she knows some of the Wack Pack. Howard said she named herself Mother of the Wack Pack. Gary said she has a very normal life. Howard said she is a fucking nut at AGT though. Howard said you wonder what's wrong with her. He said she walks around sweaty wearing a crown and screaming his name. Howard said Ronnie is Wack Pack too. Mariann was on the phone and said that she never called herself Wack Pack. Howard named her that. Howard said there are too many people in the Wack Pack. They played one of Mariann's theme songs.
Howard said that Mariann is out. Howard said next one is Asian Pete. Howard said he's definitely Wack Pack. Howard said he's got to be. Howard had Pete on the phone. Howard asked if he's happy or sad. He said he's so-so. Howard asked how his life is going. Pete said he misses them. He's been very busy too. Robin asked what he does for work. Robin thought Pete said he builds roads. Howard thought he said he works for Sammy Sosa. Howard asked what he does. Then he said he helps people out. Howard said he thought he said he grows roses. Howard kept guessing. Howard asked what he does again. Pete said he lifts heavy stuff. Robin asked if he's a stock boy. Pete said he is.
Howard asked Pete if he's retarded. Pete said something that sounded like he is. Howard asked if he gets laid. Pete said he got laid about a year ago. Howard asked what 8X4 is. Pete said ''I don't know.'' He said that for a bunch of math questions. Howard said he's in the Wack Pack. Pete thanked him for that. Howard said they have to have a contest with Pete, Gary the Conqueror and Wendy the Slow Adult. Howard said maybe just Gary vs. Pete. Howard said they'll have him down there soon. Howard asked if he thinks he is smarter than Gary. Pete said no. Howard asked if he knows what Jigaboo means. Pete said no. Howard said he's just as smart as that woman on the news. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said that woman (Kristi Capel) really was an idiot. He played the clip of her again. Ronnie laughed like he was hearing it for the first time. He called her a dope. Ronnie was cracking up at that. He said she's a fucking idiot. Howard played her apology again too. That led to the guys talking about what they think she was going for. Sal said there was nothing Jigaboo about the Sound of Music song. He said if it was the Soul Train awards it would have made sense. Howard said they have to move on. Sal said it would have made sense if there were African American people involved.
Howard asked if Nicole Bass is in the Wack Pack. Everyone was saying yes. Howard said there are a lot of big body builders though. Fred said she has her own niche. Everyone voted her in.
Howard took a call from Bobo who was upset that he was out. Howard said Bobo put himself in there. Gary said maybe he was once but not now. Bobo said he feels like he graduated Wack Pack College.
Howard said Bobo is an Extreme fan. Howard said that Riley Martin is in. Siobahn, Wendy the Slow Adult were in. Yucko was out. Underdog lady is in. Howard said that Big Foot Matt was in. He's dad now. Howard said Blue Iris was in. Howard said Hank was in. Kenneth Keith Kallenbach in. Ted the Janitor out. Eric the Actor yes.
Captain Janks is out of the Wack Pack. Howard said he is not in. Howard had him on the phone. Janks said that he has been a contributor to the show for 25 years. He said he thinks he's a wacky dude. Gary said he has done crazy things but it's not Wack Pack. He said if you think you should be in then you probably shouldn't be in. Janks said in Howard's book they say he's in the Wack Pack. Howard said that was then this is now. Howard said that Janks is upset that he's not in the Wack pack. Janks said he is not normal. Howard told him to go make a phone call.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Jigaboo chick had no idea what she was saying. He said she says the dumbest things all the time. The caller said that her co-host is just as dopey with his comments. Howard said his dad has told him that people who read the news are stupid. Howard said he likes that they think Brian Williams is losing credibility but the other news stations have women who used to be pillaties instructors.
Ronnie said he likes the name this guy gave that girl. He calls her Jigaboo Chick. Howard said her partner is the guy who said the skin flute thing. Howard replayed that clip too. The caller said he knows Howard has a bunch of clips from that guy. He said his name is Wayne Dawson.
Howard said Joey Boots is out. Sour Shoes is in. Howard said Tan Mom is in. Benjy said that she's not in. He said she isn't theirs. Benjy said she came to them. Gary said they're the only ones who talk to her now. He said she is theirs. Benjy said that she's not in. Howard said he wants to be open minded about this. Howard said that doesn't hold any weight with him. Gary said they have continued on with her while the rest of the media has stopped talking to her. Robin said she was the talk of the Birthday Bash last year. Sal said she flashed her beaver on the red carpet next to Barbara Walters. Gary said if she does something stupid again will they mention Tan Mom or mention them. Benjy said he really doesn't think she's in the Wack Pack.
Howard asked Sal if he would fuck her. Sal said he's married. He said she has nice legs. Sal said he thinks she's Wack Pack. Howard said he thinks that Sal is more Wack Pack than she is. Howard said Sal was in it before they hired him. Howard said Sal is whacked out of his skull.
Howard asked about Ham Hands Bill. He had him on the phone. Bill asked if he's on the list. Ronnie said no. Howard asked why. Ronnie said he's an extreme fan. Robin said no too. Gary said he's creepy but not a Wack Packer. Robin said he's not a Wack Packer. Gary said he knows it when he sees it and that's not it. Sal said he's not in. He said Tan Mom has versatility and Ham Hands doesn't possess those abilities. Fred disagreed. He said he has a talent that you can't qualify. He said he is creepy and he has the handicap. He said he is a freak show.
Bill said he sent in a new song for Robin. He sent it to Richard. Howard asked Benjy if he think she's in. Benjy said he's not based on Howard's new criteria. Howard said he's going to rule on this. He said Bill is not Wack Pack. Fred said he thinks he got gypped. Howard said he isn't in. Gay Ramone is not in it either. Howard said Bill is an extreme fan. Bill said he loves them anyway. Howard asked if he's going to have a bad day or something. Bill sounded down. Bill said he doesn't know. He said it's kind of a funny thing. Howard said he has nothing going on.
Howard asked about Melrose Larry Green. Howard said he stands on a corner with Howard Stern signs. Howard said that guy is out of his mind. Howard said he talks to him and he just yells ''Howard!'' the whole time. Howard asked if he is in. Sal said he's a male Mariann. He said he's just a cheerleader. Gary said he calls every other week asking for a job. He said he calls like they've never spoken before. Howard asked if he is in. Robin said she thinks there is a little mental illness there. Howard said he was Andrew Dice Clay's accountant. Gary said he gives tours on Hollywood Boulevard. Howard asked Benjy what he thinks. Benjy said based on Howard's rules, he's not. Howard said he is a freak show though. Benjy asked if Batman is a super hero. Howard said yes. Benjy said he would make him a Wack Packer then. Robin voted Melrose in. Howard asked Ronnie. Ronnie said he's going to go with yes. Gary said close but no. Fred said he's not a Wack Packer. Benjy said yes but Mariann has to be in too. Sal said no. Howard said he's the tie breaker then. Howard said he has to go with yes. Melrose is in the Wack Pack. Howard said that guy is a freak show. Benjy demanded a revote on Mariann. It stayed at no.
Howard said Melrose is a genuine freak. Howard said that he has Ham Hands Bill's song for Robin. Howard played that for her and it was to the tune of The Sound of Music. Howard and Ronnie were laughing. Robin just said it was awful. Howard stuck with no for Bill. Bill sounded really bummed out on the phone. Bill said they make him a VIP and he's fine with that. Howard said he doesn't have to say goodbye to the show. Bill said he'll still be at AGT.
Howard said he's not sure why anyone is fighting to be in it. He said Eric the Actor was the only one who didn't want to be in it.
Howard said he thinks they went through the list. Howard said Mark the Bagger is another one. Howard said the question is now Medicated Pete. Howard said he's in.
Gary asked who he'd want to be if he had to be one of them. Howard asked Gary if he'd rather be Melrose than Gary the Conqueror. Gary said no. Gary asked Howard if he would want to be High Pitch. Howard said no. Gary asked if he'd want to be Riley Martin. Howard said no. Gary asked if he'd want to be Miss Howard Stern. Howard said no to that too. Howard said he doesn't want to be Sour Shoes either. He said he doesn't want to live with his parents. Howard said no to being Elephant Boy too.
Howard asked Robin who she would want to be. Robin said she'd want to be Medicated Pete. Robin said that he has passions. Robin said he doesn't have anything to do all day. Robin said she thinks she could be like that. Howard said he thinks he'd rather be Eric the Actor. Gary said someone has to carry you to the toilet though. Howard said maybe Fred the Elephant Boy then. Howard said he'd have to shit his pants.
Howard said Gay Ramone is crying that he's not in the Wack Pack. Howard picked up the phone and Ramone was upset and crying about not being included. He said he's gay and takes it up the fucking ass. Howard asked if he's really crying. Ramone said he was. Howard said being gay doesn't make you abnormal. 20 years ago maybe but not today. Howard said he has to stop that. Ramone said he has a Wack Pack license plate. Howard told him to get rid of it. Sal said a Wack Packer wouldn't call.
Howard said Speech Impediment Man isn't in either. Howard had him on the phone. Speech said he got tea bagged at a show once. Sal said he did that to him but that doesn't make him a Wack Packer. Howard said that Elephant Boy might not belong in it then. Robin said he does things that put him in it. Gary said Speech is living a fairly normal life other than the impediment. Howard said he's out then. Speech laughed and asked if he can help with comedy gigs. Howard said no one cares about him. Howard said he can't just call Lorne Michaels and get him a job. Speech said he might do a comedy show in Pittsburgh with Elephant Boy.
Gary said Elephant Boy shit his pants on a way to an appearance and he showed up instead of going home. He said that's Wack Pack.
Howard had Janks back on the phone again. Janks said the first time the words Wack Pack were said was when he and a couple of other guys were on the show in 1991 and they said they were like the Rat Pack and Robin said they were the Wack Pack. Howard said there was a time when they had just a few people who were wacky but now things have changed. Howard said definitions have changed. Janks asked if you can be taken out at any point. Gary said yes. Howard said Janks was in with Crazy Jerry. Howard said that guy was in the Wack Pack. He'd still be in. Howard said that 'Gina Man would be in too. Howard told Janks that it's over. Howard said that times have changed and he's out.
Speech asked how Jeff the Vomit guy is in. Howard said he vomits on people. Howard said he's in. Howard played some 'Gina Man clips and said that's Wack Pack.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they should come up with another name for these people who aren't in. Howard said they are contributors to the show. Howard said things have changed. Robin said once they found Beetlejuice things changed.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Beetlejuice gets a lot of pussy. Howard said that he's not sure that's the case now. He lives with his mom now. He said he used to live with Sean who helped him get laid.
Howard said Beet lives in Georgia now. Sal said they tell him it's Jersey though. He said he doesn't curse on the phone living with his mom. Sal said things have changed with him too.
Howard said they have a definite Wack Pack now. Robin said she would be Medicated Pete. Gary said he's still going with Gary. Howard asked about Blue Iris. Gary said you'd have to fuck a lot of guys. Benjy said that Ass Napkin Ed is one whose life you'd want. He said he has a fun life and he fucks girls. He said he knows how to get things done. Howard said you have some ability to get something together. Howard said Nicole Bass has the ability to do stuff too. Gary said you can't get laid being her either. Howard said she was married though.
Ronnie said he would want to be Miss Howard Stern. He said she's nuts but so what? Howard said she's in such turmoil though. Howard said he was going to say he wanted to be Jeff the Drunk but then he thought about his arm. Howard said Jeff the Vomit Guy isn't who he'd want to be. He said he might want to be Sour Shoes. Robin said she'll be Mediated Pete. Fred went with Jeff the Drunk.
Howard asked Benjy who he'd want to be. He went with either Ass Napkin Ed or Hanzi. Fred said he has to think that one over. He thought about Jeff but he was talked out of it. Sal went with Beetlejuice. Howard said at least Beet isn't in a bad marriage. Sal laughed and said ''neither am I.'' Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard said this is newsworthy. Howard said 20 years ago today one of their callers admitted to killing his girlfriend and he ended up going to jail over it. Howard said he called into the show joking about how he had taken acid and killed his girlfriend. Howard played a clip from that day when the guy said he cut his fiancee's head off. His name was Lee Elmore Newman. Howard said the defense team was preparing a defence for him when he called in with that. Howard said he thinks he's still in prison. Howard said that happened in 1995.
Robin read some news about the Grammy's and how they had a tribute to Stevie Wonder before that. Robin said it was great. Howard said he hasn't seen it yet. Howard said that his songs are tough to cover. He said Beyonce did a good job though. Robin said seeing that made her agree with Kanye West about her talent. Robin said she was amazing. Robin had some audio of her performing on that show. She did Stevie's first hit song. Robin said Ed Sheeran did a cover too. Robin said he was great as well. Howard played some of that song as well. Howard said Stevie's songs are hard to sing. Robin had some other clips of some songs that were covered. Robin said Lady Gaga told a story about listening to Stevie Wonder when she was a young girl. Robin had some audio of her singing too. Howard said she's really good. He said she can really sing. Robin mentioned that it was Lady Gaga's first song. Howard said his first album was Petula Clark. Howard had Fred pull up some of Stevie's songs. Fred ran through a list and Howard said that ''I Believe (When I Fall In Love)' was the best song there. Fred went through more songs and Howard said he's sticking with that one. Robin had even more songs to play from the special. Howard played a clip of Stevie singing a song about him and one about Robin too.
Robin read a story about 50 Shades of Grey doing well at the box office. Robin said a man was charged with sexually assaulting a woman after seeing the film. Robin said that he allegedly convinced her to get down to her underwear and then he tied her up and started beating her. She told him to stop and he kept going. Robin said the roommate came home and she was able to escape.
Howard ran through the top 5 songs which included Maroon 5 at number 5, Beyonce and Kanye West with Paul McCartney at number 4, Hozier at 3 and Ed Sheeran at number 2. Howard said number 1 was Bruno Mars. Howard had Big Foot singing the Maroon 5 song and Robin singing Hozier. High Pitch Eric sang the Ed Sheeran song. He had Big Foot singing Uptown Funk too. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read about the Oscar's post game wrap up. Robin said they had 36.6 million viewers. Robin said it was down 16 percent from last year. Robin said they say the reviews for Neil Patrick Harris were Luke warm. Howard said he's not used to that. Robin read some comments from some reviews.
Robin read a story about Stacy Dash who is on FOX News. Howard said she's not that swift. Robin said Patricia Arquette had an acceptance speech so she had Howard play some of that. Robin said that Stacy Dash had a problem with what Patricia was saying about equal pay or men and women. Howard said she's kind of wacky. He said she's still cute though. Robin had some audio of Stacy talking about that.
Robin said she keeps thinking that women who are going to com forward about Bill Cosby have already come forward. Robin said that Richard Pryor's widow was on a podcast and said some things about Bill Cosby. She called him a piece of shit. Robin had some audio from that podcast where Pryor's wife called him a piece of shit and a hypocrite. She said there are 34 women who have come forward so far. She was also talking about how his wife has to have known. She said she thinks Cosby is done. Robin said that was Jennifer Lee who is the widow of Richard Pryor. Howard said if someone told him that Bill Cosby would be accused of being a serial rapist who would have known? Howard said it's crazy.
Robin read a story about the shutdown of the Department of Homeland Security and what people are saying about that. Robin said that they think it's going to be a problem for this country's security.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Howard seems pretty liberal but he likes FOX News shows. Howard said he loves it. Howard said he used to love Bob Grant too. He said he loves those shows where they say they have to return to the good ol' days. Howard said he may not agree with their politics but he likes the arguing and fighting. Howard said they have some guys on FOX News and they have good looking girls on the shows too. Howard said he likes the theater of the whole thing. Howard said he has liberal views on a lot of social issues. He said he's all for the gay thing and all of that. Howard said he is very fiscally conservative. Robin said he's not even that. She said all Howard is against is waste in government. The caller asked if it's too late for a game. Howard said they're trying to get out of there so no games.
Robin said there is fear that people are going to attack malls there in America if the DHS goes away. Robin had some audio of someone commenting on that. Howard said he thinks an ultra conservative could win the election next year. Howard said they might want to go back to the days of Ronald Reagan. Robin said no way that's going to happen.
Robin read a story about a VA Secretary, Robert McDonald, who was claiming to have being in special forces but it was later revealed that he was not. That led to Howard talking about how he was in Vietnam and he's not making this stuff up. He talked about blowing up kids and how that was a way of racking up kills. Howard said Ronnie served in the war of 1812. He said Fred is a big pussy and didn't serve. Howard said he once killed a school of dolphins. He said that he shot them all in the rice patties. He said his commanding officer counted them as kills. Howard said he's much more normal now but he used to wear ears as a necklace. He said he killed so many kids that he wore a child skin hat. Howard said one final story is that he was deep in country and delirious with Dengue fever or something. He said he went into a village and killed them all. He said he cut off a woman's hands as a souvenir. He said he started beating off with the woman's hand. Robin told him not to even say that. Howard said he beat off with a cut off hand. Howard said this is what his movie is going to be about. He said they're calling it the Howard Stern story. Robin said they're all going to be ashamed. Howard said he's not proud. He said he just did it for the money. Howard said he has so many stories of war. He said he did 17 tours of duty. He said these days people brag about 4 or 5. He said he just likes saying duty so much that he'd keep signing up. Howard did a live commercial read after that. Howard said he probably shared too much about the war. Robin said she thinks so. Robin called his movie 50 Shades of Crazy. Howard said back in his day they didn't have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Robin said Mayor DeBlasio is being blasted over a new training program he's proposed. Robin had some audio of him talking about that.
Robin read a story about a company that's going to be turning text into news stories. Robin said a computer may be reading that news to you.
Howard read some email about the Oscar's and what John Travolta was doing to Idina Menzel. A woman wrote in about how that bothers her when men do that.
Robin read a story about Alex Rodriguez going to Yankee training camp in Florida. Robin said he was 2 days early. Robin said he showed up early and says he's focused on the new season. Robin had some audio of Rodriguez talking about that.
Howard had a mash up song with Yoko Ono and David Lee Roth that they put together. Howard said it's like they recorded together.
Howard said Robin was telling him that this guy Graham Moore is gay but it turns out he's not. Howard said Robin said yesterday that she knew he was gay. He said there's an article saying he's not gay. Howard had audio of the guy accepting his Oscar and he did sound effeminate. Robin said he didn't tell her he was gay but she assumed he was. Gary read Howard an article that Howard had misplaced. Howard asked Gary to read it to him after he wasn't able to find it. Gary said that they did assume he was gay because his character was gay but he is not gay. Robin said she went down the same road as most people. Howard said Robin was wrong.
Robin read a story about President Obama and how he thinks Transgender people should not be banned from serving in the military. Howard said he's right. He said the gays in the military has worked out just fine.
Robin read a story about how they're calling it a mega fight between Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather. Robin said that they've agreed to fight. Robin read the details of that upcoming fight. Robin said Mayweather could make up to $120 million from that fight. Howard said he thinks people are into that ultimate fighting now. Robin said she doesn't think that has anything to do with it. Howard said it's back to the drawing board on that then. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about how weed is legal in Alaska now. Robin said that possession is limited to 4 ounces. Howard said that's a lot. Howard said an ounce was a large baggie. Robin said they can have no more than 6 plants. Robin said you can't sell weed and you can't drive stoned.
Robin read a story about how Little Caesar's is offering a pizza with bacon wrapped around the crust. Robin said it's one of the most expensive pizza. Howard said you know it's crappy when you can buy it for $12. Howard said he's thinking that the guys in the back are going to explode one day from eating stuff like that. Howard said he could never eat a pig. He said they're so cute and intelligent. Howard said they have 3 feet of bacon on the crust. Howard said that's a lot of bacon. He said pigs are at an intelligence level higher than Wendy and Jeff the Drunk. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Jon played a ''What You Need To Know'' about today's show. He also said they have a poll up about Sal and if he's a Wack Packer or not. Jenny said she doesn't think he is a Wack Packer anymore. She said he's able to maintain a job and he's been taken in there. She said that she feels like he's someone who has been taken under their wing and he's not as sketchy. Jon said she thinks that he's not a Wack Packer. Jon said Sal had some interesting thoughts on putting words like jungle and bunny together. Jon said they talked about that after the newscaster made that mistake. Jon said he wants to ask the callers which Wack Packer they'd want to be. He said he wants to know if they think Howard's picks for the Wack Pack were fair or not.
Jenny said she thinks Mariann should be in the Wack Pack. She said she has the voice and she has the obsession with Howard. Jenny said she might be someone who needs to be locked out of the building too. Jon said she wants to be in it though and other people like Beetlejuice don't call in asking to be in it. Jon said Bobo is close to being in there too but he didn't make it in.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that if you ask to get in you're not a Wack Packer. He said if you ask to get out then you are. He said Eric the Actor wanted out. Jon said he likes that. He said if you want out of it then you are a Wack Packer. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said Jenny was talking about how she blew her chance to hang out with Howard. Jon asked Tiffani if she would want to hang out with him. Tiffani said she actually has hung out with him outside of the show. She said it's kind of cool to know both the guy on the show and outside of the show.
Jon asked Jenny if there's anyone else she'd like to meet. Jenny said she'd like to meet JD's girlfriend. She said she has a lot of questions for her. Jon asked what kind of questions. Jenny said she just needs to understand all of it. She said that she'd like to discuss the sex stuff and all of that. Jenny said she has hung out with JD and she set up JD on a date with Jason's sister. She said he didn't know it was a date. Jon said JD can't really put a sentence together. Jon asked if he didn't know it was a setup. Jenny said they just wanted to see if anything happened. Jenny said she had to pull things out of him. Jon said if things had worked out then he could have been part of her family. Jenny said he could have been her son's uncle.
Jon said they had Mr. Skin in today. Jon asked if Jenny is on the site. Jenny said she's not sure. Tiffani wasn't sure if she was on there either.
Jon played a clip from some of Mr. Skin's past appearances on the show. Jon said that's a Mr. Skin package for you.
Jon said that Gary is joining them too. Jon said Gary and Tiffani were on Hollywood Game Night together. Gary said he doesn't think they won that night. Tiffani said they did not. Gary asked Tiffani if she ever goes on MrSkin.com to see if she's on there. Tiffani said she has not. She said she has done partial nude photos but not film and TV. She said she would not be on the site. Jon said Jenny is on there. Gary sounded shocked by that.
Jon asked Jenny what it's like when she hears Mr. Skin doing his thing. She said that he feels like every guy she went to college with. She said that it means that someone has seen all of the shitty movies she's done. She said she had a baby a year ago and she loved looking at herself on the site to see what she looked like before that.
Gary said they found David Arquette's mother on MrSkin.com. He said David was so happy about that. Jon said Mr. Skin has kids who are getting older and they know his name but he has to tell them eventually what he does. Tiffani said she wonders what porn stars do when they have kids. She said she'd like to hear an interview at a school where they want to send the kids.
Gary said he has been at Soccer games where dads have slipped behind him asking what Jenny McCarthy is like. He said they act like school kids out there.
Jon said Mr. Skin lets you see the nude scenes from all of the movies. He said he makes a good living from it. Tiffani said it's very smart. Gary said that he had a big moment where Mr. Skin said that the movie companies loved that they were doing it and they would give advances for the nude scenes. He said he has a really good business going now.
Jon asked if things went like expected when Tiffani went in the studio. She said you never know what to expect from him. She said that she thinks it went well. Tiffani said she felt he was on the milder side with her. She said he was very respectful. Gary asked if she sat down with her husband to have a game plan before going in. Tiffani said she didn't but she probably should have. She said her husband knows all of that stuff already and he's only heard some sound bytes from that show. She doesn't have a lot to hide so it went great for her. She said she didn't feel like an idiot.
Jon asked Jenny what it was like for her. Jenny said they were ready to dish on anyone and everything. She said that it was weird for the first time seeing everyone in person. She said that he touched her at the end and that was fucking weird.
Gary asked Jenny if she was on the boat with Jason when he peed on Chelsea. She filmed it. Gary missed that part of the interview.
Jon said Tiffani has a new show on the cooking channel. Tiffani said that she has people over to her pseudo house and she cooks for them. She said she loves cooking and serving alcohol to her friends. She said she has a lot of celebrities on the show. Gary asked if she has Screech. She said he wasn't available apparently. Jon thanked Tiffani for stopping by and went to break a short time later.
Jon asked Jenny if she likes The Bachelor. Jenny said Howard was there before her. She said that she came in around Jerry O'Connell's brother Charlie when he was on. Jon asked if she checks things out when Howard is into it. Jenny said yes. Gary asked if she has watched Banshee. Jenny said she hasn't watched Banshee yet but only because she didn't get a part she auditioned for on the show. She said she bans shows like that from her house.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Beth Stern was on MrSkin.com would they look at the pictures. Gary said yes because it's not a secret thing. Jenny said she would look at pictures too.
Gary said he has a friend whose wife was on an HBO show. He said he knew she was going to be on the show but didn't know she was going to be topless. He said he got an early copy of the show for his friend and he watched it. He said the girl comes bounding in to the room topless. He said he told the guy he should have wanted him about it.
Jon asked Gary about the Wack Pack thing today. Gary said he was going over the list and figured that Sour Shoes might be his guy but then he thought that not knowing is the best so that's why he went with Gary the Conqueror. Jenny said she may go with Mariann. Gary said she has a great life. He said she's not in though. Jenny said she feels like she should be in.
Gary said that Mariann is sort of the wrangler for the Wack Pack. Gary said that they should bring Jenny to AGT so she can see Mariann at work. Gary said you'll see all of the Wack Packers and Mariann is leading the parade.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks he has a suggestion for how to pick the Wack Packers. He said you have three things. He said you go by the greatest accomplishment as a result or being on the show. Then number 2 is if the show gave them their name and if they live at home. He said if 2 out of 3 are yes then they're a Wack Packer. Gary said then Tan Mom wouldn't be in it. Gary said he thinks she should be in. Jenny said she doesn't think she should be. Gary said the rules are different for everyone. Jenny said they didn't discover her. Gary said that she was a 10 day news story but because of the show she's become something else. Jenny said she needs a hyphen on her name or something. Jon said they have maintained her popularity. Jenny said she thought they were spoofing her but then she realized it was really her.
Jon said a caller said that it's not just saying you want to be in it that disqualifies you. He said the guy said that wanting to be out is what keeps you in. Gary said he thinks that Jeff the Drunk is in it and he thinks he'd be upset if they threw him out. Jenny said if they threw Eric out then he would have been upset too.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Sal is not a Wack Packer. He said he has completely crossed over. He said he might be the most depraved and naive employee there at Sirius. He said he thinks that he has crossed over because he has access to the building with a badge and that opens up a crazy world. Gary said he thinks Sal was close to Wack Packer status when he wanted to stay at Howard's apartment. He said that there are always exceptions to the rule in the Wack Pack.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he would make a hybrid category. He said he'd call them a Staff Packer or something like that. He said that it's a guttural feel on where they would be. The caller said that it's a fine line. Jon said that's an interesting discussion. Jon asked if JD falls into that Wack Pack category. Jenny said JD is great on text. She said that some of these people you wouldn't even be able to read it.
Jon asked Gary about Sal's example of using words in the wrong context. Gary said that the staff loves that. He said he's never seen the office laugh so loud over something. He said that they love that. Jon said that the parallel between Sal's apology and the news anchor's was so close. Gary said Sal doesn't know when to end either. He said that he just keeps going. Gary said that it goes on and on and on.
Jon said speaking of Sal they have the poll results. He said 53 percent of the people voted no, Sal is not a Wack Packer. Jon wrapped up the show after that. They were done around 11:50am.
Howard started the show talking about the very busy show they have coming up today. Kid Rock and Conan O'Brien are coming in. Howard said he was on Conan back in 2006. He has no recollection about that. Howard said he warned Conan about Jay Leno. He said he's sure everyone did.
Howard said they had that conversation about the Wack Pack yesterday and he thought it was a compliment to tell people they weren't in it because it means they're normal. Howard said he thinks about it like asking if he could put people in a cage and have people view you. He said he loves Joey Boots and his antics but he assumed it was a compliment that he's not that fucked up. Howard said Shuli or Jon Leiberman went to talk to Joey Boots and see High Pitch Eric. Howard said Joey was in tears over that. Howard said he was completely devastated that he's not in the Wack Pack. Howard said he can't believe he would want to be.
Howard played a clip of Jon Leiberman talking to Joey Boots about being ''kicked out'' of the Wack Pack. Joey was really bummed. Joey was tearing up and said it meant a lot to him to be in it. Joey said he's not sure what he is now. He said he didn't hear the segment though. Joey said he doesn't have any deformities but he lives in the same building that Eric lives in. He said they are obsessed with the show. Joey said he's miffed and doesn't understand.
Howard said High Pitch Eric is obsessed with the show but Eric the Actor wasn't. Howard said he's very sorry that this happened. Robin said that Bobo and others were upset. Mariann too. Fred said they're all devastated. Howard said he thought it would be a compliment. Howard said Eric has that voice and may even be retarded. Howard said Joey isn't the guy you go to stare at in a cage. Fred said not everyone can be an A-Rod or Derek Jeter. He said that if they play for the Yankees then you're always in the Yankees. Joey said that Joey has been described as being in the Wack Pack on their description of him on the web. Fred said you can't take that away.
Howard said when he told Janks he wasn't in the Wack Pack it was a compliment. He said it's not a compliment to be in it. He said it means something is wrong. Robin said you should be institutionalized. Howard said right. He said only on this show is it an insult to be called a functioning member of society. He said he's amazed and taken aback by it.
Howard said Melrose Larry is thanking him for putting him in it. Howard had him on the phone. Melrose said he is normal but what does normal mean? Howard said he put him in there because he stands on Melrose and holds up signs. Howard said that's a freak who has lost it. Howard said Joey can argue that he screams at reporters. Fred said he went to court over it. Howard said that is true. Robin said he went to court and that's a sign he's not in the Wack Pack. Melrose said he feels Joey's pain. He said Joey, Bobo and Mariann have to realize that it's Howard's show. Robin said that he's just happy he's in. Fred said Melrose does it for other shows. Howard said that doesn't matter. Howard said these people have to get a life. Howard said he may have to take Melrose out of the Wack Pack. Melrose said he is a freak so he can't do that.
Fred said he's been rethinking this since yesterday. He said he thinks Janks should be back in with Bobo, Joey Boots and some of the others they took out.
Howard played the ''We Are the Wack Pack'' song parody that Wendy the Slow Adult, High Pitch Eric, Jeff the Drunk, Daniel Carver (uh oh) and others were in. Howard kicked Daniel out of the Wack Pack list yesterday. Elephant Boy was in the song with Nicole Bass and Beetlejuice too.
Robin said Gay Ramone might be back in after hearing that song. Howard said he thinks Daniel Carver might be in the Wack Pack. Howard said it's not all based on physical stuff. Robin said he's not in the sideshow. Howard said he went on their show and did a game in a Klan outfit. Howard said Batman puts on an outfit and he's a super hero. Gary said he is more interesting. Benjy said that Daniel Carve is Wack Pack. He said Superman isn't a super hero on Krypton but he's still a super hero. Robin didn't agree. Robin said you have to be a Wack Pack all the time.
Howard said he's going to shelve this conversation. He said at some point they need to address some people like Melrose, Joey Boots and others. Howard said they're either both out or both in. Fred said he thinks what they do is the same thing and they both belong in the Wack Pack. Howard said Gay Ramone was very upset about not being in. Howard had Ramone on the phone. Ramone said for 16 years he's been driving around with a license plate that says Wack Packer. He said that Robin came to his rescue this morning. Ramone said everyone is calling him. He said he's begging him to put him back in. Howard asked if he's crying for real. Robin said no. Ramone said he is. Howard said that's the worst acting he's ever heard. Howard said that Fred is really coming to life over this. Fred said that they're getting a raw deal. Howard said he hasn't come awake since Carol Alt called herself a super model.
Howard said Ramone is out of the Wack Pack. Howard said he's trying to treat people fairly. Fred said that he just looked up a medication that Ramone mentioned and he's in the same boat as Hanzi. Howard said Hanzi is ill. Ramone asked to please put him in. Howard said Ramone is an Extreme Fan. Howard said no one knows what Wack Pack is. Ramone said people ask him what it is. Ramone kept begging. Howard said Janks is all freaked out too.
Howard had Janks on the phone too. Janks said it's a badge of honor he's worn all his life. He said he's had that title for 26 years. Janks said he fucked a guy last week just because he looked like JD. Janks asked to be grand fathered in just because he's been on so long. Howard said he has to tell these two retards something. Howard said it is a compliment to not be in the Wack Pack. Janks said he and Fred the Elephant Boy were the first Wack Packers. Howard said he doesn't remember putting Ramone in there. Robin said she doesn't think he ever was. Fred said he appointed himself. Howard said Ramone was never in. Howard said Janks was in at one point but Ramone never was.
Janks kept begging to be put back in. He said yesterday he was ''indulged'' by the fans. Howard asked if he really was ''indulged.'' Howard said he thinks he was deluged. Howard said he can't spend all morning on this. He can't believe there are people fighting over this. Howard said he's saying that they are normal. Janks said it's a diss. Howard said it is not. Howard said Joey Boots should be jumping up and down that he's normal. Janks said that Joey should be in if Melrose is in. Ramone said he'll take Howard to court over this. Howard said he has to think this over. Howard said he's so sorry he even brought it up.
Janks gave out his Twitter handle of @CaptainJanks and said tweet at him if they support him. Howard said that Gay Ramone just hired Gloria Allred to represent him.
Howard said Shuli interviewed Hanzi and he was talking about the most important thing in his day... Hanzi cut him off and shut up. Howard said he says that he likes watching TV and getting enough sleep. Howard said he is more concerned about watching TV. Howard said you have to hear this. Howard said he has to take a break after that.
Howard played a clip of Shuli asking what's a bigger concern, missing calling the show or missing his TV shows. Hanzi said that he likes to catch up on his TV and he has to watch them all.
Howard asked Hanzi when he wakes up. Hanzi said he doesn't know. He said maybe 2 or 3 in the afternoon. He said he goes to sleep around 8am. Howard said then he watches his show? Hanzi said he catches up on news on Reddit and things like that. He said he writes material for himself. He said he writes stand up but Howard pointed out he doesn't do stand up. Howard asked to hear some of that stand up. Hanzi said no but Howard said he wants to hear it. Hanzi told Howard a story about how this is a historic day for him doing stand up and how he's worried because when have you heard of a Pakistani bombing without actually killing anyone. Howard said that's a good thought actually. He said it's funny.
Howard asked Hanzi how old he is. Hanzi said he's trying to revolutionize something. Howard asked Hanzi how long he's been up. Hanzi said he got up around 6 last night. He stayed up all night until now. Howard said Hanzi goes to work out for an hour then he goes out to get some food. Howard said then he comes home to watch TV. Hanzi said he'll go into his room and watch some of the WWE Network stuff. He said they're on the air all the time. He said you have to be really dedicated to that network. Howard said the TV is shared by his brother. Hanzi said it is. Howard asked how old his brother is. Hanzi said he's 26. Hanzi said he's normal and shit though. Howard asked why he hasn't moved out of the house. Hanzi said he thinks he secretly has. He said he thinks that people have different lives. Howard asked why he's still in the house. Howard said he understands Hanzi staying there. Hanzi said he doesn't know much about him. He said he doesn't ask anything. Howard asked if he's close to his brother. Hanzi said probably the most out of anyone. Howard asked if they watch together. Hanzi said his brother is into basketball and things and he's not into that. Hanzi said he catches up on Reddit and things like that. Howard said he must have an awesome house that no one wants to leave. He said his parents cant get rid of him. Hanzi told him to shut up.
Howard asked if Hanzi has sisters. Hanzi said he knows that already. Howard said he doesn't. He asked again. Hanzi said he has 2. He didn't want to talk about them but Fred said he heard one of them is really hot. Hanzi said he can't talk about that. He said he never says she's hot. Howard asked if he's mad that she got the looks and he didn't. Hanzi said he's not talking about this. Hanzi said this is weird. He didn't want to talk about it. Howard said his sister has nice breasts but it doesn't mean he wants to have sex with her. He said he can tell him that Fred is the most handsome man he's seen. Fred thanked him for that.
Howard asked if the sisters moved out. Hanzi said they did. Howard asked if they're married. Hanzi said one is. Howard asked if it's the hot one. Hanzi changed the subject. Howard kept asking about the sisters but he wasn't talking about them.
Howard asked Hanzi why he watches wrestling. Hanzi said it's shit but he likes watching it. Howard said it must be mind numbing knowing it's a performance. Hanzi asked if Howard's show isn't a performance. Howard said of course it is. He said that it's a comedy show though. Hanzi said he's been told that Howard is friends with Triple H and shit. Howard said he's not but he has been on the show. Howard said he's not even watching any of that WWE stuff. Hanzi said he is too.
Howard said Hanzi watches TV for like 10 hours. Hanzi said it's not that much. He said he has a spreadsheet of the shows he watches. Howard asked him to read them to him. Hanzi got the list and read the shows that he'll be watching today. Some of the shows were Modern Family, Empire, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Broad City and The Americans. Howard said he can't get into The Americans. Robin said it's so good. Hanzi likes Banshee too. Howard said he has the life. He said he has a roof over his head, TV, food and more. He said that he has nothing to complain about. Howard said the only thing he can't get is laid unless he pays for it. Hanzi said he could get laid but he doesn't approach women. Robin said you have to do that to get laid.
Howard said Hanzi has some lifestyle. He said there's no stress. Robin said he has it all. Howard said he thinks people live in the walls and stuff so that's kind of tough but other than that it's not so bad.
Howard said he really has to go. Hanzi said he wants to ask Conan for a job. Howard said you don't go from your basement to the Conan show. Howard said you get a regular job. Howard said he's not going to waste time with Hanzi's shtick. Howard said he can send him a resume instead. Hanzi got all flustered trying to answer that. Hanzi said he wants to be a monologue writer. Hanzi had a joke about Afroman. He told that joke which was about Afroman. Howard said he really has to run. He said he can't waste time with Hanzi when Conan is on. Howard said he is the only guy to stick up for him in that whole Jay Leno thing.
Howard said that he has Hulk Hogan on the phone. Howard had him talk to Hanzi. Hanzi said ''Fuck you man.'' The guys in the back were playing clips of Hulk Hogan saying he wants to marry Hanzi and move to Minnesota. Hanzi told them to stop with that shit. Hanzi said this is confusing him. Howard said he's in love with him. Hanzi wasn't going for it. He told Howard to kill the bit. Howard asked why he doesn't want to talk to Hulk Hogan. Hanzi said he's not a fan. Howard let Hulk go after that. He said he's spent too long on this. Hanzi asked him to get CM Punk on the show. Howard said he has to get rid of this guy. He hung up on Hanzi. They played him out with his ''Imran Khan Lives With his Dad and Mom'' theme song as they went to break.
Howard said they're taping the shows in Newark at NJPAC. Howard said it can take 45 minutes to get there. He said he has meetings next week and then he goes over there to do the shows. He said that they're there from about 10 to 10. Howard said he has to leave himself an hour to get there. He said he has to leave around 8am. He said his agent wants to meet at 7 and then he has to do AGT.
Howard said that you have to have all of your wits about you to keep up with Heidi Klum and Mel B. Howard said there is so much fat in the schedule. Howard said he doesn't want to do press. He said he's not supposed to but whatever they want. He said they're paying for a full day so that's what they'll get. Howard said they did write a half hour for dinner into the schedule. Howard said they do get that downtime.
Howard said he ends up being half asleep during the acts because they go through so much prep. Howard said that he told Jason Raff that he has to get up at 6 and then do press, then do the show.
Howard said he told them over there that they should let Howie do all of the nonsense and then he'll come in and judge. Howard said he was hired to judge and not be a circus act. Robin said it's been this way for 3 years. Howard said he did re-sign but only because Robin and people like her told him to. Howard said he does like the judging. Robin said it's like loving crab but not being in love with taking it out of the shell but you have to take it out of the shell. Howard said that's exactly what it's like. He said he actually doesn't like taking it out of the shell.
Howard said he was terrible on the air when he started. He said he put so much into his job and he refused to accept failure. Howard said he put in tremendous hours working. He said he tried to figure out how to fit in. He said he never dreamt of success. Howard said he must take a break now. Howard let Shaky go after that. He said he had to move along. Howard told Shaky to stop dating and forget about women. He said he has to concentrate on his career instead. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Kid Rock is there. He called him the savior of Detroit. Howard wondered if he actually did save Detroit. Howard asked if Kid Rock told Elton John that he's the most hetero man in the world. Kid Rock said he did. Howard asked if he smokes weed. Kid Rock said he doesn't smoke. He drinks though. Howard asked if he has saved Detroit yet. Kid Rock said that they did build a brewery there. He said the beer just kind of got re launched. Howard said so much for saving Detroit. Howard asked Kid Rock if he invested in the beer. Kid Rock said fuck no. He said he was born at night, not last night.
Howard said Kid Rock went to Elton John's wedding. Kid Rock said he has a running joke where he gets a hug and a kiss from him and Elton asks how he's doing, darling. Kid said that he can't be doing that. He said he is the most hetero guy. Howard said he dated Pam Anderson. Howard said he was married to her for a short time. Kid said it was the right amount of time. Kid Rock said it was fun and who doesn't want to ride the Ferris wheel. Robin said he didn't want to stay on it. Kid Rock said he said this years ago. He said getting married was the most fun he's had in his life. He said being married sucks but getting married is fun. Howard said he was living the life. Kid said it was awesome. Howard said it was fucking wild and he was living the life. Kid said he's now a grandpa. Howard said his son had a kid. Howard said he met that kid when he was young. Kid said he's the world's greatest grandpa. Kid said he's going to be called Paw-Paw. He said he's only 44 and he's a grandfather already. Kid said he just got his street cred for hillbillies.
Howard said he should call himself Bubbie like a Jewish grandpa. Kid said he went to a Jewish wedding once and they were carrying a guy around in a chair and he wondered what the fuck that was about.
Howard asked how old he was when he had his son. Kid said he was 23. He said his son beat him in that whole thing having a kid at 20. Kid Rock said that he went to the movies with his son once and he was hiding rows behind him. He said after the movie he grabbed them and said ''Listen here you little fuckers...'' and told them that he might be the coolest guy in the country and they don't sit next to him. He said that they didn't want to be around him at all. Kid said he gets it though. He said he took his dad and mom to the Kennedy Center Honors different years. He said he'd take pictures with everyone there and his mom wouldn't know who they were. He said he'd just tell her to shut up and take the picture.
Howard said Kid Rock has a new album out called ''First Kiss'' and he's selling music. He said he's doing well with it too. Kid said that record companies have turned into management. He said you used to have a manager but now you have a guy managing 10-20 acts. He said they get a chunk of the money from the clubs. Kid said that he thought that he had things worked out but then thought about how if no one showed up that was the end. Howard said Kid charges the fans $20. Kid said they scalp 1000 tickets. He said those people over pay or that shit. Howard said for 20 bucks you can get in and see Kid Rock with Foreigner. Kid said they do an hour of hits. Howard said then Kid Rock comes out with his antics. Howard said he can still make a profit. Kid said they make just as much as they did selling tickets at $60-70. He said he gets a part of all of the sales there. Howard said he's working the door. He said that's fine. Kid said he works with Live Nation and they're good. He said you just have to get past the managers and all of that.
Howard asked Kid about being a wealthy man and what his greatest luxury is. Kid said if he says it then Howard has to. Kid said the first thing he does is not think about money. He said not thinking about where he's getting money is the greatest luxury in his life. Howard said his thing is that he's not a big spender. Kid said Howard has a shit ton of money. Howard said Leon Black has a shit ton. Howard said he's anonymous and that's the best thing to be. Howard said he has a Toto toilet. Kid said he has one in every house. He said he gave them to his whole family. He said he has them everywhere. Kid said he has double wide trailers with Totos in them. Howard said that's what he has. Kid said they're great. Howard said his toilet opens up like a throne with the blue light. Kid said he has remote controls on the wall. Howard said he has that too. Kid said it's fucking awesome. He said he should be a spokesperson for it.
Kid said that you save so much just on toilet paper. He said you don't even have to dry. He said it dries your ass for you. Kid said he might have the cleanest taint.
Howard said he also has a large house. Kid said he's over that. He said that he gets the cheap stuff from Walmart. He said he doesn't spend money on a SubZero refrigerator. He said that he has double wide trailers all over the place. He said he has a house in Michigan that's kind of big. He said that he can't get out of Malibu quick enough. He said it's too big and nice. He said he and his girl don't have a lot of people running around. He said he doesn't have a house manager or anything like that. He said he won't give up his plane though. He said that's the biggest luxury in life.
Howard asked what kind of plane he has. Kid said it's a Hawker. Howard asked what that costs. Kid said it's like $3 million. He said the money is in maintenance and all of that. He said it might have been $30 million. He wondered how he can get the Toto on the plane. Howard said he'll know he's lost his mind when that happens. Kid said they're all rich people problems.
Howard asked how many seats he has on that Hawker. Kid said 7. Howard said he has to pay a pilot. Kid said it's 2. He said fuel prices are down. Howard asked if he rents it out to other people. Kid said he does. He said it has to be there for him when he needs it though.
Howard said Kid lives in a trailer though. Kid said they're great. He said that he has wrapped them in Mossy Oak. Kid rock said it's camouflage.
Howard said Kid has a lot of guns. Kid said Hank Jr. has guns. Kid said he has canons. He said he has them in front of his house in Michigan. He said he's fired the canons. He said that he didn't ask if that's legal though. He said they just set off the boom. He said they don't fire anything. He said it's the biggest boom you've ever heard in your life.
Kid said that he thought about taking the canon to Malibu and firing it off. He said that would freak people out. Howard asked if that's why he doesn't like it there because they won't like something like that. Kid said there are some nice people there but he doesn't get out there that much. Kid said his real estate agent tells him he has to take the animal heads down. He said he has a stuffed Baboon there. He said he gets a lot of that stuff at estate sales.
Howard asked about going out with Ted Nugent to hunt. Kid said he taught them how to bow hunt. He said it's nerve wracking. He said it's hard to get a great shot at anything more than 50 yards. He said that you sit outside for hours and nothing is going on. He said he doesn't have a lot of patience. Kid said that he sat with Ted once for like an hour. He said they were whispering to each other. He said Ted told him that he didn't invent ''fuck you'' but he perfected it.
Howard said that Kid is a sensitive guy and he doesn't get the hunting thing. He said it must make him sad. Kid said he's not. He said he worries more about gutting it. He said he's not a blood and gore kind of guy. Howard asked if he has a dog. Kid said he does. He said he never wanted to get one but then they did. He said that he has a Boykin Spaniel.
Howard asked Kid about the girl he's with now. Kid said he has learned his lesson about who to go out with. He said that she doesn't want to have kids. Kid said that she's perfect. He said it's her birthday today. Howard asked how much younger than him she is. Kid said he can't say. Howard asked if she just graduated high school yesterday. Kid said she speaks in full sentences.
Howard said that Kid has a new album out and he asked how the concerts go. Kid said he has about 45 minutes of hits and he can fake the other 20 minutes. Kid said that he got sued over that song. He said they used old rap lyrics and ended up getting sued by the record company. He said he didn't argue with them about that. He said they deserved it. Howard said he could tour with that song alone for the rest of his life. Kid said he lucked out and snuck in with the last Twinkie with album sales. Howard said today it's almost impossible to sell albums. Kid said his son is trying to do it and it's really tough. He said he told his son that he shouldn't do music because he'll never be as good as him. He said that's what Wayne Gretsky told his kids about hockey.
Howard said the new album name is ''First Kiss'' and is that the tour name? Kid said they want to re-brand it. He said he wants to call it the Kid Rock's Cheap Date. He said the tickets are 20 bucks. He said they sold 29,000 tickets at one of their shows. He said that tickets are so cheap that people will buy them. Howard said that it must be great to perform for people who want to be there instead of just people who can afford to go to an expensive show. Howard said he can make good money doing this. Kid said he can't believe it fucking worked.
Howard asked if he still plays ''Cowboy.'' Kid said he does it almost every night. Howard said he's surprised that he started singing ballads. Kid said he was too. He said he didn't understand singing when he started. He said he just kind of did it off the seat of his ass. Howard asked what his biggest song was. Kid said it was ''All Summer Long.'' Howard played some of that. Howard asked if he wrote that himself. Kid said he did with some help from Lynrd Skynrd. Kid said that he thought it was like mashing up a song but people said he was stealing it. Howard said he was up front about the whole thing. Kid said that Jimmy Van Zandt told him that he helped put his kid through college with that song.
Kid told Howard about how he had to kiss the ass of this guy at a station in L.A. and he refused to do it. He said he told the guy he was going to fuck his wife instead. He said that they went to number one everywhere but that station. Howard asked if his managers asked him what the fuck he just did. Kid said that just fuels the fire more.
Howard asked Kid about having Sheryl Crow for a girlfriend. Kid said that was for about a week. He said that she's part of the family though. Howard played some of the song he did with Sheryl. Howard said she's a good singer. Kid said she's incredible. Howard asked who he would want in the room for sex between Pam and Sheryl. Kid said there is no right answer for that. Howard asked who he would go to if he had to do it to save the world. Kid said he is very patriotic. He said he would have to go with Sheryl. Howard said that's a revelation. Howard said he's growing up. Kid said that he's growing up.
Howard brought up American Sniper and the movie Birdman. Kid said he didn't see Birdman. He said he doesn't want to see it. Kid said he's not gay. Howard asked about using that word. Kid said he has no problem with gay but he word is fun to say.
Howard played some of Kid's new song ''First Kiss'' and asked if it's really about his first kiss. Kid said no. Howard asked if the girl in the song was a real chick. Kid said it was made up. Howard let the song play a little bit and said he's still rockin.
Howard asked how old he was when he lost his virginity. Kid said it was 15-16 or somewhere in there. He said he's just guessing. He said rock and roll hasn't been kind for memory purposes. Howard asked if he has any regrets. Kid said no. He said if he did he'd just accept it and move on.
Howard said Kid Rock is out on tour and he's got the new album out. Kid said they worked with Warner Brothers. Howard asked if he wishes he could go back in time like he says in the song. Kid asked who wouldn't. Howard said he didn't have a good time back then. He said he'd like to go back to maybe 45 years old. Howard said maybe 3 months. Kid said he didn't say how long back in time he'd go. Howard gave him some more plugs and said he is a man of the people because he doesn't have a Toto in his private jet. Kid said his dad gave him his back. He said they have a bidet in their house. Howard said Jimmy Kimmel turned him on to that toilet. Kid said he tells everyone to get one. He said they're like $700 for the top of the line. Howard said even with the Toto he uses baby wipes. Kid said he's going to fuck shit up if he keeps using them. Kid said he used to use baby wipes but he stopped. Howard said he still has to clean up even with the Toto. Kid said you just turn the pressure up. Howard said he's afraid of turning it up. Kid said the pressure works. He said it's the best.
Howard asked if he has a urinal. Kid said he does. Howard said he does too. Kid said they have a lot in common. Kid said he has a mat under his for people who dribble. Howard said he's the only one who uses his urinal. Howard said Pam Anderson is on the phone to her lawyer complaining about Kid saying he'd rather fuck Sheryl. Howard said it was good seeing him. He gave him another plug and went to break.
Howard came back and said that Conan O'Brien is there. Howard said he's the host of a very popular show called The Conan O'Brien show. Howard said that he hasn't seen him in years. He said he looks the same and he has the same swagger. Conan came in and said Howard and Robin look fantastic.
Howard asked if he likes living in California. Conan said he loves raising his kids there but he doesn't have the skin for it. He said he goes to his dermatologist every week. He said it's not a matter of if but when he'll get cancer. He said that his mom would send them to the beach with a t-shirt on and he'd still come home looking like a lobster. Howard said he hasn't had any skin cancer yet. Conan said he wears a lot of big, floppy hats when he goes out. He said it's the least masculine thing you can do. He said he wears the hat and it robs you of your testosterone. Howard said he wears those hats too. He said he's deathly afraid of the sun. Conan said it's going to happen to him any day now. He said he doesn't think that much about it though.
Howard said he thinks about Conan as a talk show host. He said he went to Harvard and he was the valedictorian of his school. Howard said he was the most brilliant student and his father was a Microbiologist. Howard asked Conan when he's sitting there doing an interview with a complete nitwit, and there are some out there... Howard asked if he has had his IQ tested. Conan said he hasn't. He said he thinks he has a lot of emotional intelligence but then he's staggeringly stupid in other areas. Howard asked what his SAT scores were. Conan said they weren't that great. He said he thinks Harvard thought he was interesting. He said that he was a good writer. He said he won some national fiction writing contest and that got their attention. He said he had an interesting name too.
Howard asked if he was a popular kid. Conan said he wasn't. He said that it took him time. He said he doesn't blow people away when he comes out of the gate. He said he was a nerdy kid. He said that he thinks he grew into his body in the last several weeks. He said when he was a junior in high school people knew he was funny. He said that he wasn't a class clown though. Conan said those guys end up dying in a motel shoot out. He said the guys who are funny are very quiet and under the radar. Howard said the class clown is the idiot or the court jester. Conan said he's the guy in a prison right now. Howard said he was considered the class gardener.
Howard said when you come from a family like that and go into show business they get upset. Howard said his family got upset. Conan said he was interested in show business but he wanted to go into government or writing. He said it was a complete accident. He said he had a roommate who went to The Lampoon to try out. He said he was oblivious. He went with the friend and the friend gave up. Conan said he kept going and it felt great. He said he wrote cartoons and things like that. He said he liked staying up and making people laugh. Conan said his parents were very supportive from the beginning. He said he started earning a living pretty quickly. He said his experience with kids is that once they're paying rent you don't care what they do. Howard said he was writing comedy for like $100,000 a year. Conan said he doesn't remember. Howard said he can tell him. Conan said he's the most thorough interview ever. Conan said he hooked up with Greg Daniels who went on to work with him on Saturday Night Live for awhile and then went on to write The Office. Howard said they started out on Not Necessarily The News. Conan said they did that.
Howard said he hears stories about what Conan did at The Lampoon. Howard said they pulled a thing on Bill Cosby. Conan said he thinks Cosby's pranks since then have topped him. Howard laughed at that. Howard said that what Conan did was meet bill Cosby by creating an award that didn't exist. Conan said that you can get people to pick up an award if you do that. He said you have the Harvard name and all of that behind you. Conan said he knew nothing about show business. He said he was around 19 years old at the time. He said all he heard was that Bill Cosby was coming in on Butler Aviation at Boston Logan Airport. Conan said what you do is call a limo company. He said he didn't know that at the time. He said he took the T back home and borrowed his dad's station wagon. Conan said that it was a used car they bought. He said it was a Ford LTD with wood paneling on it. He said on the side it said Spruce Point In on the side. Conan said he drove to pick up Cosby and he gets out of a private plane wearing a tuxedo. He was wearing that for the award. Conan said he walks out and he's there to pick him up with the wagon. He said he starts driving him in the back seat of the car. He said it's about a 20 minute drive. He said that Cosby picked up a Quarter Pounder wrapper in the back. He said he just told him to throw it in the back.
Howard said then they get Cosby there and what happens. Conan said they had bought a bowling trophy and altered it. Howard asked how many people were involved. Conan said maybe 8. He said they had a massive crowd there. He said Cosby came out and in his way he has got that rhythm. He said he's killing and he was standing behind him thinking that if you read a transcript of that then it wasn't funny. He said he just had something that made it funny.
Conan said that he wanted to meet Cosby and it all came from a good place. Howard asked if anything came from it. Conan said he was very nice to him and the students. He said it was in the evening and someone found pictures of it. He said he looks like a 19 year old woman in the pictures.
Howard said he read that Conan also did something at The Lampoon where he befriended Burt Ward from Batman and Robin. Conan said he thinks the 1960s Batman TV show was a perfect piece of work comedicaly. Howard asked if they were going for that though. Conan said they were. He said they have so many jokes about counter culture. He said kids like it and adults like it too.
Howard asked about fucking with Burt Ward. He asked if he did that out of admiration. Conan said they did it for time killing. Conan said Burt came to Harvard and he wasn't invited by them. He said he was going to lecture about the Batman series. Howard said he would travel with multiple Robin costumes. Conan said what got his attention was the posters up saying he was going to display the actual Robin costume that was valued at $250,000 by Lloyd's of London. He said he didn't think that was cool to do. Conan said they planned a thing out where he'd be giving the lecture and he'd have the costume on display and then at the key point they'd hit the lights with a guy dressed up like The Penguin in the audience. He said they were going to steal the costume and run out. He said that they turned the lights out but it was in daylight so they could see very well. Conan said they started running out and other students started chasing them. Conan said they taunted him over the phone and they eventually gave it back. Conan said he taunted him as The Joker. He said it was so much fun. He said Burt was angry too.
Howard said they did this just for their own amusement. Conan said they did. He said these days it would be on everyone's cell phone. Howard said he thinks that he'd never top that and quit show business. Conan said that was his top so he should have gotten out then.
Howard said Conan got out of Harvard and he goes on to write for Not Necessarily The News and some shows like that. Conan said that people liked him because he'd make people laugh behind the scenes. He said they'd put him on The Wilton North Report too. He said he'd do that and he loved it. Howard said he remembers that show and how it was two DJs they tapped to do the thing. Howard said he was so nowhere at the time. Howard said he was jealous. Conan said they had a good writing staff and then they hired the talent. He said he thought they had to do things the other way around.
Conan said once he got out of school he did have times when he wasn't working. He said that he was working at a furniture store for a while. Howard said he was doing okay though. Howard said he picked the one business where someone could take his job at any time. Conan said that he gets depressed and down on himself. He said he is medicated for that though. He said it's not crazy levels. Conan said that he got to the point where he thought he had to be unhappy to be funny. He said people tell you that's not true. Then you don't care if it's true or not. He said he'd rather be happy. Howard asked about going for the medication he did it for the kids and wife. Conan said he knew he needed help. He said he was wasting time in rehearsal being so negative. He said it was getting in the way of the whole thing. Howard asked if he's happier now. Conan said he is. He said it's like a lever that gives you a push. He said it enables you to keep going. He said it's like a little oil on the gears.
Howard asked if he resisted against the meds. Conan said he did. He said that the doctor told him that he was asked 50 questions and 48 of them pointed to depression. Howard asked if he's been suicidal. Conan said no, never that. He said he likes himself too much.
Conan said walking there this morning he had to walk past 30 Rock where he did his show at NBC. He said that he remembers going there very morning and wanting to do well. Howard said he knows that kind of anxiety. He said that it's awful. He said he gets it.
Howard said Conan was an NBC guy. He said he was struggling along and he had applied for a job at Letterman and he was rejected. Conan said that was his dream job. He said he remembers getting really close and it was between him and another guy. He said he got the call and they told him they went with the other guy. Conan said he thought that was it for him. He said one road led to success and one led to failure. He said he thought he was on that road to failure. Howard said he is the smartest guy in the room and he gets rejected so he must think that just can't be. Conan said he never assumes he's the smartest guy. He said he assumes he's not the smartest. Conan said he felt he had to prove himself because he did go to Harvard. He said the Letterman thing was crushing to him.
Howard said he heard they told Letterman that they had missed out on Conan and Dave said that was their loss. Conan said that 35 things have to go wrong for you to make it in your career. Conan said that if he had gotten on Letterman he never would have met Lorne Michaels. He said that led to him getting the late night show. He said if he got on Letterman he may have had a fine career as a writer but not what he has now. Howard said everything seems to go right for him.
Howard said Conan worked on Saturday Night Live and he was a writer there. Howard said he was responsible for a sketch that's one of his favorites. He said it was the nude beach sketch with Matthew Broderick. Conan said he pushed for the penis song at the end of the sketch. He said they performed it on stage in Chicago at a club during the writer's strike. He said it was a very special one for them. Howard said that the basis of the sketch was that they say no one looks at your penis at a nude beach but then everyone in the sketch was looking at everyone's penis. Howard asked if the censors had to get after them over the penis references. Conan said they did. He said things have changed so much now. Howard said he got suspended at NBC for saying ''douche bag'' and now you hear it on TV and radio all the time.
Conan said he remembers going through a script taking things out line by line. He said that if you suggested something worse they'd let you keep in the line you wanted.
Howard asked Conan if it's hard to write with other people. Conan said that working on The Simpsons was amazing. He said that he was scared shitless in that room. He said there were so many other great minds in there. Howard asked how they wrote scripts there. Conan said he got the job on The Simpsons. He said they were working with the original crew. He said James L. Brooks was going to be coming in shortly after he got there. He said he was going to go into a hotel room and pitch him ideas for The Simpsons. He said he was holed up in his apartment for weeks thinking and thinking. He said he was in such a state of misery. He said he pitched the shows to Brooks and he took all three of the ideas. He said he has a very distinctive laugh too.
Conan said that he is good in a writing room. He said he's the guy who is the clown for the writers. He said he can do shtick. Howard asked if he was upset that he didn't get on air at Saturday Night Live. Conan said he wasn't. He said that he never looked at Phil Hartman and thought he could do better. He said they were so brilliant at what they did and he knew that he had to do his own thing and be himself. He said Howard has done that and he doesn't do impressions and all of that. Conan said he knew if he could find a venue and do his own thing he could do it.
Howard said Conan was looking for shit to do and he used to do a phony talk show. He asked if he did the impressions of George Takei there. Conan said he did. He said he doesn't do impressions but George fascinated him. He said that they had met him and he remembers him telling him that he was in a production of Aladdin and the way he told it to him made him remember it. He said that Jeff Garlin was his roommate and he'd come in and have him do the impression and laugh for 20 minutes. Howard said George is great and they have him on the show. Howard had Fred play Conan the clips of George correcting them on the pronunciation of some words.
Conan said that his favorite episode of The Simpsons that he wrote was The Monorail. He said that they offered George a role on that show and he turned it down. Conan said that he turned it down because he was on a transportation board and he felt they were mocking the whole monorail thing. He said they went to Leonard Nimoy and he agreed to do it.
Howard asked Conan about writing something that they would screw up on Saturday Night Live. He asked if that was frustrating. Conan said that it wasn't. He said if it didn't make it then it was meant to be.
Howard said Conan got close to Lorne Michaels at Saturday Night Live. Conan said he didn't get close really. He said you'd see him around but he was very intimidating. Conan said that he'd walk by and ask if he was still with the show and hanging by a thread. Conan said he had a desk by Bob Odenkirk and Lorne dropped by and talked to them about the week he had off. Conan said he ended up deciding to leave Saturday Night Live and Lorne asked him to stay. He said he was to the point where he was going to pay him to just pitch them some ideas and he didn't even have to be there.
Howard asked what made him leave. Conan said he was depressed and he was burnt out. He said Saturday Night Live is very intense. He said there's a lot of not sleeping. He said that one thing about it is that they throw you in the deep end right away. He said you're a newbie and you're scared. He said they tell you to go in and pitch ideas to Steve Martin right away. He said 3 years of that and it was very intense.
Howard asked Conan what he did after leaving Saturday Night Live. Conan said that he walked around the city for 2 weeks and bought a book of poetry. He said it was the lamest thing. Then he got the job on The Simpsons. Howard said that Lorne knew so many people at Saturday Night Live and he picked Conan to do the late night show. Conan said you can't explain to kids what the world was like before YouTube. He said this would never happen again. He said if there was a vacancy on a late night show there would be thousands of candidates. He said there is no such thing as a complete unknown anymore. He said back then Letterman left NBC and NBC didn't think he was going to leave. He said they asked Lorne to pick the new guy. He said that Lorne looked around and wasn't able to find what he was looking for. Howard said NBC was asking Gary Shandling to do it and he turned down the job. Conan said he remembers someone telling him that Shandling was going to do it and he said he didn't think so. Conan said he was doing better work pretending to do it than having to do it for real. He said he didn't think Shandling was going to take the job.
Conan got the job with NBC and Howard said he thought that it was a week to week contract. Conan said that he thought that he should just put an egg timer on the desk and time his time there with that. Howard said you almost deserve a payout if you have a show that fails. He said that you get built up and then 6 weeks later they're all bad mouthing you. He said that happened to Chevy Chase. Conan said he cared so much. He said he was unmarried and all he did was live, sleep and breathe comedy. He said he didn't think he was going to be the guy who tried to replace Letterman for 9 weeks. He said he thought it just wasn't happening. He said he didn't want to go out that way. Howard said he has a very strong will to go on.
Conan said he was going to a therapist at the time and he was talking about how people don't like him and want him to go away. He said that the therapist said that's all in his mind. He said he picked up a magazine and said no, this is what the headlines are in this magazine. He said it's the greatest thing you can do to a therapist.
Howard said that they also wanted Andy Richter off the show. Conan said that people complained about him getting his own laughs. He said he wondered what was wrong with getting laughs. Conan said he doesn't care. He said that Andy is a huge fan of Howard's and he knows he's listening. He said in all honesty he is one of if not the funniest person he knows. He said he has one rule for him and that's just ''go for it.'' Howard said Johnny Carson kept Ed McMahon clamped down. Conan said that he and Andy look different and when you put the two of them together it works perfect. He said Andy makes it easier to do the show. Howard asked if he got angry when he left the show. Conan said he didn't but he did get sad. He said he didn't replace him either. He said Andy came back and as soon as he was back it was like he had never left.
Howard asked if Conan would have gone to the Saturday Night Live 40th anniversary. Conan said he's not sure. He said that he was a writer there and he wasn't on camera. He said that everybody who was part of the unpleasantness was gone shortly after his thing blew up. He said he has no animosity toward NBC. He said they employed him for 20 years and it made his career. He said there were a couple of people he was not thrilled with but they were gone pretty quickly after that.
Howard said in 2006 he was on Conan's show and he turned to him on the show and told him it was going to go horribly wrong. He said that he knew Jay wasn't going to let him take his show. Howard said he almost knew what he was talking about. Conan said he knew exactly what he was talking about. Conan said he looks back on that and doesn't like to talk about it much. He avoids talking about it. Conan said no one in show business should complain. He said that they make crazy money and live out their dreams. He said on his TBS show he made a point to be positive. He said guests would ask about it and he'd make a joke about it. Conan said he'd read the next day that he can't get over it. He said that it was a guest asking him about it. He was responding in a joke. He said he can't even just talk about it for a second. He said people complain and tell him to let it go.
Howard said he remembers when FOX TV came to Conan and said they'd give him $28 million to jump over there. Howard said NBC gave him the Tonight Show when Jay retires. He said Conan wanted that show so bad he stayed with NBC. Conan said that all he wanted out of this gig wasn't because of money. He said he really wanted to keep his body of work. He said that's all he wanted. Conan said that is the most important thing next to his family and kids. He said it's his legacy. Conan said he's proud of the good stuff. He said leaving NBC and not having access to that 16 years of work was crushing to him. He said that never comes up. Conan said that's the most ironic thing about the whole situation. He said he doesn't have access to that stuff now. Conan said he did another 5 years at NBC and did some good work there. He said he doesn't regret turning down the FOX deal.
Conan said that Bill Carter wrote a book about the Tonight Show thing and he thinks Bill Carter and Jay Leno are the only two people who bought the book. Conan said he doesn't regret anything. He said that he feels that a lot of your career is about the cards you were dealt. He said that he's a poster boy for luck in show business. He said he has been dealt cards at times that weren't easy to play and he's dealt with that very well.
Howard asked Conan if he was ashamed of that whole situation. Conan said he had the number 1 sign that he wasn't in a good place was the beard. He said he had that beard overnight. Howard said that's so true. He said prisoners of war have beards.
Conan said it took him 3 years to get to process what went on. He said what helped was going on tour and getting in front of live audiences. He said he sent out one tweet and it sold out across the country. He said he played guitar and had fun doing that. He said he's a hack guitarist but he loves playing it. He said he plays at rehearsal. Howard asked why he doesn't play more. Conan said he doesn't want to be the mediocre comedian playing guitar. Howard said it makes him happy when people do that. Howard said he thinks it would be fun for the audience to see that.
Conan said he remembers seeing Alan Thicke coming out and doing his show for the first time and grabbing a guitar to play. He said he was about 15 years old and he told himself to never do that.
Conan said he did the tour and then they had to redo the whole show. He said he had to jettison some of the bits he used to do. He said he wanted to reinvent himself. He said the Turner people were great. He said they just said do what you gotta do. He said they were happy with him and they got rid of a lot of the bits they used to do. He said he wanted to do the show differently. Conan said they have mostly rebuilt the show. He said they have found things like the remotes and he's really proud of some of the stuff. He said what they did last night was go on Grinder with Billy Eichner. Howard said they set up a profile and filmed a gay date. Conan said they found a guy to go out with him. He said that most of the bit is trying to find a date for him. He said he very much wants to meet a guy and wants it to be the right guy. He said he forgets that he's not gay. He said he's competitive about it. Conan said they found a guy who wanted to meet in a parking lot. He said they had a van ready to go and they had painted on the side of it Cher and Liza Minelli. He said they drove and met the guy. Conan said the guy realized who he is at the last second. He said the guy asked him if he was a fan of Conan. Conan said he asked ''Fan!?'' Howard asked if he blew the guy. Conan said he did. He said they did multiple takes.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who were playing George Takei audio clips. Conan got a laugh out of that short bit.
Howard said Conan is going down to do shows in Cuba. Conan said they decided that we can go down there now so someone on the staff suggested going down there. Conan said they had to go there right now. Howard said he's scared of all of that shit. Conan said that's why they do these remotes. He said he loves doing this stuff.
Howard asked about the gay date thing and if it was a real thing. Conan said it was. He said they asked the guy what he thought when he met him for the first time and he wasn't impressed.
Howard asked what the Cuba shows are going to be. Conan said it's going to be like one long remote. He said he will be walking around talking to people and stuff like that. Conan said he thinks that the Cubans are going to be happy that we're allowed to visit there again.
Howard said he hates Jay Leno and he has said it many times. Howard said he supported Conan because he felt that he undermined him. He said that whole thing was bizarre. Howard said he offered to go on the last week of Conan's Tonight Show. Conan said he never heard that. Howard said he heard that NBC forbid him from coming on. Conan said there was so much chaos going on. He said that he was trying to get out in a gracious way. He said it meant a lot to him to be gracious. Howard said he was. Howard said that he had a Rolling Stones song in the last week and that cost NBC a million bucks. Conan said it didn't really. He said that was the running gag. Conan said that they did some of their best work in that last week there. Conan said they ended with Freebird and Will Ferrell's pregnant wife who gave birth a few hours later it was just so good. He said he was very proud of that.
Howard asked if he has run into Jay since then. Conan said ''god no.'' He said that hey don't run in the same circles. He said he's fine to never see him again. Howard said he had a falling out with him too. He said that he got the satisfaction of him calling him at home. He said he told Jay they are not friends and he feels like he fucked him over so they're done. Howard said he doesn't like that but that's what happened. Conan said he doesn't like to be out there and not want to run into someone. He said if he ran into Jay he's just going to be like ''Hey, how's it going?''
Howard asked Conan what would have happened if he didn't have his wife and kids around. Conan said he's not sure. He said what's great is that his wife is proud of him and he makes her laugh. He said that's not the focus of their lives. Howard said what's amazing is that they live in L.A. and he never sees any pictures of them. Conan said he's never taken his kids to a premiere or anything like that.
Gary came in and asked if David Letterman asked him to do the Super Bowl ad with Jay Leno. Conan said he thinks that's the case. Howard said he thinks it was supposed to be Jay, Oprah and Dave. Conan said it wasn't a joke to him so he didn't want to do it. Conan said a lot of fans rose up and they were upset. He said he didn't want to do that bit. He said it took him less than a millisecond to turn it down. Howard said he asked Dave how he could do that with Jay. He said he made a joke out of the whole thing. Conan said he did Dave's show a couple of years ago and the producer asked if Dave should ask him about that commercial. He said he told him no.
Howard said that Conan is a good dude. Conan said it was great seeing him. He said Howard looks good. He said Robin looks fantastic too. Howard told him to come back and see them sooner than 15 years. Conan said he will be back soon. Howard said that the Cuba based Conan is on March 4th. He said that sounds like a fun show. Conan said it's been a dream. Howard asked if Conan is jealous of a guy like Jon Stewart who is retiring. Conan said he's not. He said he has more bits to do. He said he needs to work. He said his plan is to get out of show business 3 years later than he should have. He said his wife has told him that she won't live with him if he's not working.
Howard said Conan wrote that pilot for ''Lookwell'' and it was great. Howard said you can see the pilot on the web. Conan said at the time it was the weirdest thing in the world. He said he can't blame the people at NBC for not picking it up. Howard said Adam West was really good in it. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and did a live commercial read and said he'd get to Robin after that. Howard and Robin talked about some of the stuff they forgot to bring up with Conan today. They forgot to bring up George Lopez. Howard said he can't remember everything. He finished up his live commercial read after that.
Howard said it was great to see Kid Rock and Conan. He said it's good to see Robin too. Howard said it's time for her news. They played her in with Ham Hands Bill's classic ''Ham Hands'' song parody. Howard said he had to get out of there so he cut it off.
Howard said he got an email from Captain Janks. He said he had to read it with him on the phone. Howard picked up Janks and read the email where Janks explained why he's still a Wack Packer. Howard said he can't believe this. He said this is a compliment to him. He said Janks is not a freak. Janks asked if he remembers giving the F-Emmy to the other guy every year back in the 90s. Howard said he didn't remember doing that. Janks said he loves Howard but he started the phony phone call craze. He said that led to all of the Baba Booey stuff that happens now. Howard said he's not wacky, he's brilliant. Howard said he should just accept that it's an honor. Robin said it's a good thing. Janks said it sticks in his craw but if that's the way it's going to be then he'll accept it.
Fred said that they could have a Wack Pack and a Douche Pack. He said someone suggested that in the email. Howard said this is like begging to be in ISIS or something. He said it's not an honor. Janks asked him to play one of his calls. Howard said he has to get out of there so not today.
Robin got to her news and read a story about a new Bill Cosby accuser coming out. Howard said this is amazing. He asked who would predict something like this. Robin said this woman's name is Heidi Thomas and she claims that she was drugged and assaulted by Cosby in 1984. Robin read about how she was going to get acting tips from Cosby and her allegations are similar to others. Robin read the details of her claims. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Howard talks about a couple of hot chicks whose names he doesn't seem to know. Howard said he knows them. One of them was Dana Perino. Howard said she seems smart to him. Howard said the guy who sits next to her is Greg Gutfeld. He said he likes him too. Howard said he really doesn't care about her politics. Howard said she worked for President Bush and you have to have some smarts to get there. Howard said she's bright. Robin told him to stop it.
Robin had Howard play Taylor Swift singing ''Welcome to New York.'' Robin said she just donated $50,000 to some schools in New York from the proceeds of that song. Howard said that she isn't even from New York but she decided to donate some money to the schools. Howard said she's going to donate more and there are turds on the internet who say that's like 25 cents to the rest of us. Robin said meanwhile they're not even giving 25 cents. Howard said people are so sick and ill that they will attack her over a $50,000 gift. Howard said she didn't have to do that. Howard said if they should be upset about anything it should be that the song sucks. Howard said she looks beautiful in the paper today. He said she doesn't have those dopey bangs in the picture today. He said she looks much better without bangs. Howard told people to stop being assholes.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that he was thinking that 50 grand was kind of low. Howard said she got paid for the song and she took the proceeds and gave it to the schools. Howard said no one gives money to the public schools. The taxpayers are supposed to be taking care of that. Howard said it was a nice gift.
Ralph said Janks belongs in the Wack Pack. He asked who would want that moniker. Howard thanked him for that. Ralph said Conan was great. He said that it was like the Jon Stewart interview. He said the questions were great. Howard said he likes Conan and Andy Richter too. Ralph said that he did dismiss the Bill Carter book. Robin said it was the newer book and not The Late Shift book. Ralph said he missed that. Howard told him to pay attention. They played him out with the Mike Morse ''Ralphie Cakes'' song.
Robin said they haven't talked about how Rosie O'Donnell has stepped away from The View again. Robin said she says it's because of stress. Robin said her marriage has fallen apart so she's leaving the show to take care of her family. Howard said she never should have gone to The View. Howard said she is a solo act and she should have her own talk show if that's what she wants to do. Howard said that he would have advised Rosie not to get married so quickly too. He said he did say that to her. Robin said Rosie has said that Lesbians have a sped up timetable. Howard said that she should have listened to him. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Hillary Clinton talking about how right Patricia Arquette was in her speech about how women deserve equal pay.
Robin read a story about Giuliana Rancic insulting a woman on the red carpet at the Oscars. Robin said she was wearing dreadlocks and Giuliana said she thought the hair overwhelmed her and she probably smells like Patchouli oil or weed. She had to apologize for that. Howard said the show was set up for Joan Rivers who doesn't apologize. Howard said Joan never would have apologized. Robin said she would hope that Joan would have had a better joke. Howard said you have to know how to do it. Robin had Rancic's apology too. After hearing the apology Howard said those drops you feel are Joan Rivers vomiting up in heaven.
Robin had some audio of Robert McDonald apologizing over his claims that he was in the Special Forces and he never was. Robin said that aired on some news programs and they found out that he hadn't served in special forces. Robin had some audio of McDonald explaining why he said what he said.
Robin read a story about a law that was on the books that said parents had to approve to have a Mohel suck out the blood during a circumcision. Howard said he's never heard of such a thing. He said it sounds like kiddie porn. Robin said there have been cases of babies getting herpes from that practice. Howard said that's just not right. Robin said they are suggesting that the Mohel's get tests done before they go through the procedure. Robin said that the Mohel won't be able to practice if they do pass along anything to a child. Howard said they should just leave those kids alone. Howard said no one is going to get to kiss his kid's penis. Howard said it's a bizarre practice.
Robin read a story about a guy who was accused of molesting his son and he claims he was just teaching his son about the birds and the bees. Robin said the kid says he was touched but the dad says he never did. Robin said according to the complaint there was some kind of physical contact. Robin said that it apparently started when the child was 8 years old.
Robin read about how Leonard Nimoy is in the hospital. Robin said he has the same thing that Scott the Engineer has. That's COPD. Robin said he had severe chest pain and he's been in the hospital for 6 days so far. Robin said he's now tweeting about it. Robin said he stopped smoking 30 years ago and it wasn't soon enough. Robin said he tells people to quit now and ends his tweet with LLAP which means Live Long and Prosper. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the man who is accused of killing Chris Kyle, Eddie Ray Rauth, is going to prison for the rest of his life. Howard said they don't mess around in Texas. He said he likes that the Jury found him guilty. They found that he knew right from wrong and he should be put in prison. Robin had some audio clips of people talking about the case and also from the courtroom.
Robin read a story about Marshawn Lynch who is hoping to own his own catch phrase. Robin said it's ''I'm just here so I won't get fined.'' Robin said he's tried to trademark ''Beast mode'' too. Howard said he wants to make money from the NFL but he won't talk about the game.
Robin said Alex Rodriguez is back with the Yankees. Robin said he says it will take some time to find his way again. Robin had some audio of him talking about that.
Robin asked if pot or booze is more dangerous. Howard said he's going to say booze. He went over the things that can be affected from using either. Howard said that it's all bad for you but maybe okay in moderation. Robin said a new report says marijuana is safer than alcohol. Robin said it's 114 times less deadly than alcohol. Robin had a clip of some guy talking about that study.
Robin read a story about the court case for Blurred Lines getting under way. Robin said that's the Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams song. Robin had Howard play that song and the Marvin Gaye song they are accused of ripping off. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Jon asked Jen about Joan Rivers being snubbed at the Oscars. Jen said it's typical that they shut her out like that. Jen said that maybe they're glad that they don't make fun of people on the red carpet now. Jen said that she was close to Joan and she got to go to her funeral. She said she was snuck in and Howard sat right in front of her. She said she could have reached out and touched his hair. She said she saw it up close and it is the best hair in America. She said that it was great to hear Howard speak. She said that it was great when Howard got up and said that Joan had a dry vagina. She said she was a puddle by the end of the funeral. She said she didn't want to bother Howard at the funeral so she didn't go up to him or anything.
Jon said Jen will be his co-host for the day. Jon played a ''What You Need to Know'' about today's Stern show. After that Jon said they have a poll up about Captain Janks and if he should be in the Wack Pack or not.
Jon asked Jen if she's surprised that these people are upset that they're not Wack Packers. Jen said he would get that. She said she thinks it's an honor to be in it. Jen said that she never thought Janks was a Wack Packer though. She said he has done a lot of calls but it's more like an extension of the staff.
Jen said she thinks that Janks was never a Wack Packer. She said Wendy is the queen of the Wack Pack. Jon said Mariann wrangles them all though. Jen said Wendy is letting her teeth rot out and she's shitting her pants. She said she should be Miss Howard Stern. She said that's what she's been saying for a long time and on one listens to her. Jen said she thinks that she's very underrated. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said that Conan talked about how depressed he was on tour and all of that. Gary said comedians aren't that funny off stage and there is a lot of depression. Jen said that's what can make them funny. Gary said they tend to be dark people. Jen said that's something that comedians live in their head.
Gary said Conan made it clear today that he's never been about the money. He said he was talking about wanting to have his material. He said he's really into it and it's a really cool thing. Jen said going from the Tonight Show to TBS must have felt like having your balls cut off. Jon said that Conan was able to do the show he wants to do at TBS so it's almost like Howard coming to Sirius. He said they didn't give Conan a chance on NBC with the Tonight Show. He said it was awful what happened there. He said no one could have succeeded under all of that.
Jon said they got to hear Conan and Howard talking about supporting Conan through all of this stuff. Andy said that Conan doesn't complain a lot in public. He said he does a lot behind the scenes though. He said it's tacky to Conan. He said as time has gone on and he eventually learned to talk about it more than he used to. He said he thinks Conan was aware of that phenomenon of people getting upset when he talks about it. He said when someone asks you about it you answer and don't worry about some snarky bitch on the internet complaining about it. He said Conan is in a better place about it these days.
Gary said that Andy's name came up today in a big way. He asked Andy when he became aware that NBC told Conan to ''get rid of the big, fat dildo on the couch.'' Andy said that he will name names unlike Conan. He said that was Warren Littlefield. He said that their producer and Conan were like really good parents by not letting them know that the landlord had come to evict them. Andy said they did a great job from keeping all of that from them. Andy said when they were trying to put Conan on a week to week renewal they didn't know that. He wondered how you can be funny when they're doing that to you. Andy said they were looking for someone else and Greg Kinnear was big at the time. Jon said he heard they were grooming him and Conan was just holding the spot. Andy said that you can't fault someone for not being able to host a late night show. He said he heard that Greg did some test shows and they didn't go that great. He said they decided to stick with Conan. Andy said it was kind of like saying ''Who knows better than Dave'' about late night shows.
Jon said Andy is a superfan of the show. He asked what Conan thinks of Howard and how difficult it is to do this every day on the air. Andy said that Conan has a huge amount of respect for Howard. He said there is a lot of respect. He said a lot of people are intimidated when they go in there. Andy said he's not even that interesting. He said that you have to be careful over there. He said he told Greg Fitzsimmons that you only want to be talked about for 30 seconds or so on Howard's show or they'll come up with something that you'll be embarrassed by.
Gary said today on Sternthology they're going to play the segment where Andy came in after leaving Conan's show and Howard asked him first thing if he knew what the fuck he was doing. Andy said that Howard was always like that wondering why people leave a good paying job.
Jon thanked Andy for calling in and told him to stop by if he's in town again. Andy said he mainly called in to talk to Jen. Jon let him go after that. They went to break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy whose call was censored out for some reason. It sounded like the delay was hit. The next caller said he is a fan of Howard and Conan and he thinks it's awesome to see them try to play guitar. He said they're the world's best, worst guitar players. The caller said that he makes guitar videos and gave out his name online. Jen said that call was just a plug.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Wack Pack. Jon said that there are a lot of people who have been taken out of the Wack Pack. He said that they don't seem to understand that it's a compliment to be left out. Gary said that he will compare it to the Oscars the other night. He said he thought Michael Keaton was going to win. He said that it's over after the vote. He said you can't yell at the voters over the vote. He said the vote was done and it's done.
Jon said when Howard plays games he can change the rules. Jon said that you can't have a set of rules for the Wack Pack. Jen said that her criteria is if you worked at a grocery store handling food and you'd make people uncomfortable then you're in the Wack Pack. Gary said that Bobo might be more annoying than anything. Jen said that it's like people living in a sober house after getting sober. She said you're still not in society by any means but you're not drunk in an alley.
Jon asked Gary if he's surprised at how upset people are getting. Gary said that he was surprised by Joey Boots. He said that it was almost like he had his Super Bowl ring taken away from him. Gary said what you need to understand is there are rules but the final rule is whatever Howard says is the rule. Gary said they were taking a real vote that day and they weren't just waving a wand with one vote.
Gary said Gay Ramone was complaining about his license plate. He said he can just get a new one if he's upset. Jen said some people used to be Olympians and some are transitioning. She said they just have to get over it.
Jon said the results of the poll are in and 50 percent say Janks should not be in the Wack Pack and 30 percent say he should. 20 percent said they just don't care. Jon got in some plugs for today's Sternthology and wrapped up the show. They were done around 12:00pm.
Jen told a story about how she was going to break up with a guy in 2001 but he had Howard Stern reception and she had to hear the show. She stayed with him for a month or so more than she should have just so she could hear the show. Gary said if she had no arms then she'd be in the Wack Pack.
Gary asked Jen if she hears a phrase from the show and turns around knowing that she can talk to that person. Jen said she does. She said that if someone says they don't listen just because they have strippers on the show she can't talk to them.
Jon played a ''What You Need to Know'' about today's show. Jon also said they have a poll up today asking which Wack Packer you'd want to be. He said the choices are Beetlejuice, Sour Shoes, Gary the Conqueror, Wendy the Slow Adult or High Pitch Eric. They went to break after that.
Jon asked about Janks being kicked out of the group. Gary said he's not kicked out. He said he's very important to the history of the show. He said he's a famous phony phone caller. Gary said he sits at home and makes calls. He said Janks has such an insane body of work that he will send him something when another call takes place. He said when the Brian Williams thing went down Janks sent him a phony phone call he made years ago to Brian.
Jon took a call from a guy who said it's an honor to talk to them. He said he thinks that the criteria Howard is setting up is too narrow. He said it should be their behavior. He said Bobo with that toupee and having a panic attack not getting on the air is wacky to him. He said Joey Boots is like that too. He said Gay Ramone is out there too. He said he thinks that pretty much everyone who has been passed on as Extreme Fans should be in the Wack Pack for their behavior. Jon said that would be too broad a spectrum if they did that. Jon said Sal and people like that would be in there too.
Jen said she thinks you have to be a big fan to be in the Wack Pack. Gary said that people send notes about what makes you part of the Wack Pack. He said some people think you have to have a nickname but Kenneth Keith didn't have one. Jon said no one is ever going to meet all the criteria. He said if you meet the overall majority of the criteria then you should be in. Gary asked if Beetlejuice listens to the show. Jen said she doesn't even know if he knows about the show. Gary said that you can't meet all of the criteria then.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he has Hank, Beetlejuice and Eric the actor in a list but he's looking for a top 4 for a Mt. Rushmore. Gary threw out some names but Jon said he thinks High Pitch Eric might be the one. Jon said there are a lot of people who could fill that mountain.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Benjy could be in there too. Gary said that he could be up there but you wonder if he's a performance artist or a Wack Packer or an actor.
Jen said she thinks that Robin could be in it too. She said she is a bit of a loose canon. She said that she has a lot of wacky stories.
Jon asked if anyone else on the staff could be in there. Gary said Sal has done some insane things. He said that he was so genuine when he talked about going to Howard's apartment and staying there. He wondered if Sal is cured or suppressing his feelings. Jon said he's mostly cured but he thinks there are things he's suppressing. Jon said he doesn't think that will ever go away. Gary said Sal will always tell you that he thought Howard would love to have him over to his apartment.
Jon asked if Ronnie Mund is a Wack Packer. Gary said he thinks no. He said he's the old guy who doesn't want to get old. He said he has to prove he's young at heart. He said Ronnie isn't unique. Jen said she was going to say he should be but Gary changed her mind. She said he's not unique. She said she's saying no.
Jon took a call from a guy who said the Wack Pack are social outcasts and they found a place where they're accepted. He said they're on the greatest show in history. He said they're taking away something and it's like being back in High School again. Jon said he thinks he's making a good point. Gary said Janks may have found his greatest groove there but he wasn't a social outcast. He said he thinks this is Captain Janks' version of being the captain of the football team.
Jon said that they're not getting that love when they get kicked out. Jen said that you're not that weird anymore. She said they thrived when they were in it. She said High Pitch should never work out and stop eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. They went to break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said everybody they named has their own Wack Pack abilities. He said there are old school and new but they all have their thing. He said Mariann should be the mother of the Wack Pack. Jon said he wants to talk about Mariann. He said she's at every Howard event but no one considers her to be part of it. Jen said she seems to be a good looking woman with her life in control. Gary said you'd never think that she's a weird person. Gary said that she seems to be abnormal about Howard but normal in the rest of her life. He said she knows her boundaries. Jen said there should be another group that's lesser but not Wack Pack. Jon said that no one would be happy to be on the fringe. Jon said that Mariann lives and breathes Wack Packers.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she's been thinking about who she'd be in the Wack Pack. She said she's thinking about this day and night. She said she's thinking she'd want to be Sour Shoes right now but that could change.
Jon asked how Gary the Conqueror and Sour Shoes are different. Gary said there are a lot of pressures on Sour Shoes. He said he wonders if his family thinks he'll ever live on his own. Jon said he thinks he'll live there with his parents as long as he can. Jen asked if he's a virgin. Jon said yes. Jen said that might be part of it too. Gary said he thinks Gary the Conqueror has had sex. Some of the others have too. Jon said Sour Shoes can drive too. Gary said he knows that because he drove to his father's funeral. Gary said he was a pall bearer and he saw Sour there in the crowd. He said he didn't act out at all until after the funeral when he was out in the parking lot throwing a football up in the air as high as he could.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they have David Arquette in the Wack Pack. Gary said he's a superfan, not Wack Pack. The caller said David makes some pretty wacky calls. Gary said he has a family and talent though. He said he is able to function. Jon said he doesn't think that he has anything in common with Big Foot.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he doesn't think the staff should be in the Wack Pack. He said the thing the Wack Pack want most is to be on the show. He said that the staffers like Benjy are just sitting there drooling over Howard. He said there are some who don't crave attention. He said for the most part what they want is to be on the show. Gary said the problem with that thinking is that it's describing a superfan. He said Melrose Larry Green is the guy he said that air time is crack for him. He said that it's never enough for him.
Jon said he has the results for the poll. He said 67 percent of the votes went to Sour Shoes. Jon said that Gary the Conqueror got 16 percent of the vote. After that it was Beetlejuice, High Pitch Eric and then Wendy with only 2 percent of the vote. Jon wrapped up and ended the show a short time later. They were done around 11:40am.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he'd like to give Sal a sitting down standing ovation for his appearance this week. He said it was the racist terms that aren't racist conversation. Jon said he agrees and said it was one of his better appearances. He said they also got to hear the apology from 2006 that he likes so much. Jon said what he liked was the news anchor apologizing and how you can hear Sal in the language they used. He said the apology is almost worse than what they did in the first place.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he can make the argument that Bobo isn't even a real fan. He said that he came on the show and won the tickle chair and then he went out and sold it. He said no real fan would do that. Jon said he thinks Bobo is an extreme fan. He said he is shocked that he sold that chair though. He said he must have needed that money that badly. Jon said it does question your fandom though. The caller said it's all about attention in his opinion. The caller also brought up Sal and that led to Jon talking about how funny Sal is to be around.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Sal is hysterical. He said he doesn't think it's a shtick at all. Jon said he doesn't put it on at all. He said that is Sal and those things he says are really the things in his head. He said that's Sal. They spent a little more time talking about just how funny Sal is.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he never really enjoyed Conan as a host of a show but he did enjoy the interview this week. He said it did make him like him more. He said he doesn't think he has the skills to be a performer. Jon said he has a certain brand of humor he may not like but he thinks he's got the talent. Jon let that caller go a short time later and then went to break.
Jon asked Natasha about doing the roast of James Franco and how that goes. Natasha said they're doing Justin Bieber now and no one really likes him so she's not sure how that's going to go. She said that Franco had some of his friends there with him at least. Jon said that Bieber volunteered to do it though. Natasha said he's only 21. Natasha said it takes a long time to grow up.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he's in a broadcasting class and his teacher speaks highly of Howard and he says the Conan interview is the greatest he's ever heard. Then he'll give him a back handed compliment saying that he hates when Howard speaks over the beginning of a song. He said it irritates him when they speak over any part of the song. Natasha said that people have a personal style and it doesn't have to sound corporate. She said breaking the rules makes you more interesting. She said it's part of success.
Jon asked Natasha about Howard breaking the rules and if that's what keeps him going. Natasha said she grew up with him and he's been in her life for like 20 years. She said she thinks he should keep doing things the way he's doing them.
Jon took a call from a guy who said it must be much better looking at Natasha than Gary. Jon said when you put it that way... The caller said that he has a ring tone of Sal's apology on his phone and when his phone rings people think he's Sal Governale. He said he can't tell him now many times that has happened. Jon spent a minute talking to the caller about Sal and his explanation of finding a bunny in a jungle and how saying jungle bunny would be okay there. Jon said where that came from is the news anchor who said '''Jigaboo'' and had to apologize for it. Jon said sometimes the apology is worse than what the person said to get in trouble. Natasha said she's all for not apologizing. Jon asked if she thinks about what she says in her act. Natasha said she'll make fun of that because it's her whole life. She said with racism and gay rights then why be part of the problem? Jon went to break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said this week was unbelievable. He said Seth Meyers was great and so was Kid Rock and Conan. He said he can't remember a better week. Jon said it was pretty great. The caller also said that Natasha was on the Joe Schmo show and it was one of his favorites. Natasha said she was and that was a while back. She said she played one of her many characters that's pants less. She said she has played those quite a bit.
Jon took a call from a Mike the CP Comic who asked if he thinks Howard would have Michael Keaton on the show. Jon said he thinks he would. He said Howard doesn't like the movie Birdman but Howard respects his career and he thinks he'd enjoy talking to him.
Jon asked if Natasha watched the Oscars. She said she watched the last half of it. They spent a short time talking about that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thought the Dan Aykroyd interview was the best one. Jon said he thought it was great too. Jon said when people talk to Howard it seems like he's getting a lot more respect. Jon said people know that it will make the news and you learn a lot more with Howard than you do with a Conan interview. Jon asked Natasha what it is about Howard. Natasha said it's like a podcast interview. She said they just don't care like they would on a televised program. She said maybe people aren't as self conscious. Natasha said it's a talent getting people to take their guard down. She said it's a total skill. Jon said he has seen it happen a thousand times when you are in the studio talking to Howard. He said you forget how many millions are listening.
Natasha said that people like Letterman and Leno won't say a movie sucks either. Jon said she's right about that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the Conan interview was like a symphony. He said it was perfect. Jon said Jeff Garlin came in and talked about doing a fake talk show with Conan when he was roommates with him. Jon said that Conan does that George Takei impression and he doesn't even do impressions.
The caller said that he thinks if your personality can't be turned off then you are in the Wack Pack. He said if you can turn it off then you shouldn't be in it. Jon said he thinks that's a good way to look at it.
Jon said they're going to have a lot of Wack Pack in Sternthology today. Jon played a clip previewing that.
Natasha asked what the opposite of the Wack Pack is. Jon said ''normal.'' Jon said today's Sternthology is 3 hours long.
Jon said he has the poll results. He said Dan Aykroyd came in with 23 percent and Conan at 32. Big Foot and Danielle came in with 45 percent of the votes. Jon wrapped up with Natasha and ended the show around 12:05pm.