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Howard started the show talking about how it's his birthday today. He said that's about all he wants to say about it. Robin wished him a Happy Birthday. Howard said Kirstie Alley is coming in today and it's her birthday today too. Howard said that Rob Zombie, Rush Limbaugh and a couple of other celebrities share his birthday too.
Howard played a song parody about his birthday that he got from Psych. It starts off about Howard but quickly turns into a song about Robin showing her breasts to Howard. Howard said he heard that and laughed pretty hard. Howard said that Robin should just show them already.
Howard said he thinks that Joe Frazier's birthday is today too. He passed away in 2011 though. Howard said his mom called him last night and wished him a happy birthday. Howard said his dad sang one line of Happy Birthday to You and then went back to their own world.
Howard said he'll go out to dinner with his wife tonight. He said the kids are going to go out with him later in the week. He said they have to get everyone together for that. Howard said Robin got him a gift. Howard asked what they are. He said there are like 20. Robin said they're just little things. Howard asked if he should open them. Robin told him to go ahead and do that.
Howard said Ronnie wrote him a poem. He hasn't heard that yet. Howard opened an art book that Robin got him. He said it's about mixing pigment. Howard said he has to see this. He said if he doesn't like it then he'll return it right now. Howard asked if they have his palate in there. Howard said he will get into that. He said he knows it's hard to mix color when you paint.
Howard opened another gift from Robin. It was an art journal. Howard asked what kind of paper it is. He tried to figure it out. Howard said it was $145. He said he won't be returning that. Howard said this might be water color paper. Robin said it is art paper. Howard asked if it's arches paper. Robin said she doesn't know. She wasn't sure of the weight of the paper. Howard said the early painters didn't have good paper so you're amazed that they were able to paint.
Howard had a third gift from Robin. He said she went all out. Howard said it's another book about how to draw faces. Howard said there's another one. He said he loves this. He wished there were 20 more. Howard said this one is about water color something. Howard said this is nice. Howard said there's some art stuff in this one. He said he won't open that one there. Robin said there's paper in there and there is also paints and a color wheel in there. Howard asked what this is. It was something that holds brushes. Howard checked that out and thanked her for that too. Howard said she did great. Howard said he and Robin have gotten into the gift giving thing and they've run out of things to give. Howard asked if this is underwear. Robin said they're rags for cleaning. Robin said he can clean up when he paints. Howard thanked her for that too.
Howard asked if she would be offended if he jerked off into those rags. Robin said he can use them for whatever he wants. Howard thanked her again for those gifts. He said she's thoughtful. He said she knows what he's into and she thought about it. Robin said she got a whole education.
Howard said Benjy's gift to him is that he's wearing deodorant today. He said that he smells wonderful. Howard said that Ronnie has to read his poem to him too. He asked him to come in with that. He was told that he's downstairs. Steve Brandano told him that he's down there bringing up their guests. Howard said Kirstie isn't due until later. Steve said he wanted to be down there just in case she shows up early.
Howard said he thinks that's it for the birthday gifts. Howard said that they went out and asked for some people to give him birthday wishes. Robin said Heather Mills was born on this day too. Howard said she was married to Paul McCartney. Robin read some other names of people who were born on this day. Christiane Amanpour, Jeff Bezos and a bunch of others were in there.
Howard asked Robin if she stayed up and watched The Golden Globes last night. Robin said she saw some of it but fell asleep. Robin said that Amy Poehler and Tina Fey were great in what she saw.
Howard said that Rob Zombie and the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi are on his birthday too. Howard said there is no confirmation on that one though.
Howard played some birthday messages that they made up from Justin Bieber and Brad Pitt. They were just people out on the street. Howard said he had one from Meryl Streep too. They sounded like homeless people. He had one from Neil Patrick Harris but it didn't sound at all like Neil.
Howard said last year they had a bit celebration for his birthday. He said that time really flies by. He said you think your life is going to go on forever. He said that you're so proud of your birthday that you can't wait for the next one. He said that when you're young you say that you're 6 and a half but now you don't do that. Howard said he doesn't go by halfs now.
Robin said her looks have changed since she was 6 so she goes into the room with her mother and she didn't recognize her. She said that she told her that her daughter had sent the flowers in her room. Robin said that her mother is 90 and she has bad eyes. Howard asked her why she didn't ask her to tell her about her daughter. Robin said she turned to her and asked her ''Who do you think I am?'' Howard said he would have asked her what she thinks of her daughter. Robin said she didn't think of that.
Gary came in and said that he's going through the same thing with his mom right now. He said he brought her into the lobby at the home she's in. Gary said that he spent a half hour talking to her and someone walked by and said ''hi Gary'' and his mother then realized who he was. Gary said that he asked her if she just lets strangers bring her into the hall to talk to her. Gary said his mother sort of recognizes him. He said that she isn't quite sure who he is though. Howard said he bets that she's really happy now. Gary said she really is. He said she's the happiest one in the nursing home.
Gary told Howard that his mother was watching FOX News and he could tell when she told him one day that Obama is a communist. Howard asked if she has Alzheimers. Gary said they say she has dementia.
Howard said the older he gets the more he looks forward to not knowing who Gary is. Howard said that he can't wait for that day.
Gary said they have a quiz they give to find out if you have dementia. Gary said his mother knew 22 of the questions and 6 years later she only knew 12. Gary said now she probably doesn't know two of them. Gary said he'll ask his mother how old she is and she starts at 80. He said she can't remember. Gary said that she'll go up to 81. Howard said it sounds like a good game show. He said that he'd put that on TV in a minute. Gary said his mom is always surprised when she gets to her actual age.
Howard asked why he doesn't ask her what her name is. Gary said he thinks she knows that. Howard made up what the game show would sound like with Gary and his mom against Robin and her mom. Howard came up with some questions and Gary said that his mom would know some stuff. Robin said her mom doesn't have dementia. Robin said she thinks she'd do fine in the game. Howard said that would be some game. He said that they'd have huge ratings. He said they'd have a 100 share.
Howard played a real happy birthday message from Lady Gaga. Howard said they're all real. Howard played another one from the fake Neil Patrick Harris.
Ronnie said he can't even read the poem. He said he asked Stephanie to print it out in big letters but she didn't do it.
Howard told Ronnie to read the poem. Ronnie had Fred play some music in the background. He said this is called ''61 Years''. Ronnie read the poem that was about when Howard was born. He rhymed ''nifty'' with ''diffy'' at one point. Howard said this is awful. Ronnie kept going and then rhymed ''iffy'' with the nifty and diffy. Howard laughed. Then he used ''stiffy'' too. Howard said Ronnie is so angry. He said that's the worst poem he's ever heard. Howard said it's a good thing Maya Angelou died before she had to hear that.
Howard said Ronnie's other poems were much better. He said that he didn't have to rhyme all of those words like that.
Howard asked Ronnie if he watched the Golden Globes. Ronnie said he saw some of them. He and Howard talked about American Sniper and how great Bradley Cooper was in that. He was ignored for a nomination though. Howard said the votes are really kind of meaningless. He said they only have to get 17 votes to get a win.
Howard said he has to give Ronnie's poem to Chuck Zito. He said he knows he likes his stuff. Howard said he has to get to Kirstie Alley. He said he got her something for her birthday. Howard said he saw on Twitter last night that she got him something. Howard said he got her some paint or something. He said he has a book about color mixing to give to her. He said he's going to re-gift. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said that Kirstie Alley is there. He said she's there to celebrate his birthday. Howard said it's her birthday today too. Howard said it's so good to see her. Kirstie wished him a happy birthday. Howard said they saw her not that long ago. She said it was maybe a year ago or so. Howard asked if she still enjoys her birthday. Kirstie said she enjoys celebrating it but she doesn't want to make a big deal out of it. Howard asked if she has anything special going on. Kirstie said her daughter flew in and surprised her. She said she was shocked when she sat next to her in the restaurant. Howard asked if the kids are still living at home. She said they are and she loves that. She said as long as they have jobs and are doing well they're welcome. She said if they become dilettantes then they have to move out. Kirstie said that her son, True, can have a girl stay over but she doesn't want them banging in the house. She said that it's a little different with a boy.
Howard said it sounds like she's a fun mom. Kirstie said that she thinks she is. She said that she does expect a work ethic though. She said she hates it if they sleep in past 11 in the morning. Howard asked how early they have to get up. Kirstie said that her daughter is up by 6:30 or 7. She said her son stays in bed longer. Howard asked if they have to pay bills. She said they have to contribute around the house. She said that they have outside jobs too. She said they can move out if they want to. Kirstie said her son expects to stay there when he gets married. Kirstie said that's fine as long as they're productive. She said they're 20 and 22. She said that when they go out and get jobs then it's a good thing. She said they don't have to worry about starving to death.
Howard said when he was 18 he had to get out of the house. Kirstie said she was the same way. She said she had to get married at 19 and a half. Howard said she must be okay to live with. Howard said he had to dig a tunnel to get out of his parent's house.
Howard asked if she can talk to the kid's dad. She said she can but that just happened this year. Kirstie said that they would do the trade off and not even see each other. Kirstie said that she didn't intend to get divorced though. Howard said that there are people who can look at each other and separate and co-parent. Kirstie said that she thinks they're high and drugged out 24/7. Kirstie said that she rarely sees it when it works. She said they either dump each other or they cheat on one another.
Howard asked who the break up fell on with her. Kirstie said she knows it was her. Howard asked if she's hard to live with. She said she's pretty aloof. Howard asked if she was mad at Parker. Kirstie said she wasn't mad at him. Kirstie said she thinks that he just didn't have anything to say to her.
Howard said until now it was a cold war. She said it was. She said they were never uncivil to one another but they weren't really chatty.
Howard said Kirstie stays out of the tabloids with her love life. Howard said he didn't read about her with anyone. Kirstie said she lived with someone for 3 or 4 years. She said that was about it. She said when you raise kids she doesn't think it's right to bring other men into the house. She said she was more interested in raising her kids. Howard asked if she shut down shop. Kirstie said she never got that far. Howard asked if she is ready for love now. Kirstie said she's not sure. She said when you're young you are going to have kids. She said she's not sure what she would be creating now. Howard said she has said she would date an old billionaire. She has said she just wants the money. Kirstie said that she has a lot of animals and animal wranglers to help. She said she has 14 lemurs and a bunch of monkeys. She said she has them in her houses around the country. Kirstie said it costs about 50 grand a year to have someone feed and clean up after them. Howard asked if she plays with them. She said she leaves them a little wildish. She said they're not in clothes or anything. Kirstie said that she has some in California and some in Florida. She said she has only spent money on real estate. She said that she invests in where she wants to live. Howard asked where in Florida it is. She said it's in Tampa. Howard kind of chuckled at that.
Howard asked if the lemurs recognize her. She said some of them do. She said there are some that will bite you. She said she has dogs too. She has 5. Howard said she has to have someone to take care of those too. Kirstie said she has cats, Chinchillas and other things too. Howard said she has more than they do in his house. Kirstie said she loves animals as much as she loves children. Howard asked if she has animals sleeping in her bed. She said she does and that's probably why guys aren't interested in her.
Howard asked Kirstie if she's mean to guys. She said she's not but she's aloof. She said that she knows she looks miserable too. Howard asked who sets her up on dates. She said no one does. She said guys will ask her out. Kirstie said that she loves men and she loves being in love and being married but she's put all of her attention on the kids. Kirstie said it's pretty liberating to go and do whatever you want. She said she watches Forensic Files every night and she doesn't want a guy telling her not to watch. She said she loves watching TV and she would rather do that and not have someone bothering her. Howard said maybe she needs a man who can watch with her. Kirstie said that the guy can't be needy. Howard said he can't get jealous. Kirstie said that she can't either. She said she thinks that she is everything that she doesn't want in a man.
Howard said that it seems like the kids are ruining her love life. Kirstie said she loves the kids and that's just not the case. Howard said that Kirstie's daughter had a boyfriend who died. Howard asked how long she went out with him. Kirstie said that he lived in the house with them for 4 years. She said that he was one of the most awesome men she's ever met. She said he could do anything. Kirstie said he built her trails to get to the lemur compounds and things like that. She said that the loss was so great. She said most of the people she lost in her life were old enough that you could say they lived a long life. She said this guy was only 23. Kirstie said that he fit right into the family. She said they did a dance of 100 days at home and they danced every day. She said that they had to do a different theme every day. She said that he learned to film and edit in 24 hours and he filmed them all. Howard asked if she was close to his parents. She said she was. Howard said these fucking motorcycles. Howard said that he tells Fred that he's nuts. Howard said regular drivers are so hostile to drivers. Howard said it drives him crazy. Kirstie said she understands it though. She said someone turned left in front of him. Kirstie said that she wishes that guys she knows would ride during the day and drive cars at night. Kirstie said she loved riding on a motorcycle. Howard said he was never into that. Howard said he's not much a daredevil. Howard said there are so many guys who are injured from that. Kirstie said that they just love what they're doing. Howard said that
Kirstie said that Nick had this huge life of doing crazy things. She said that they have to celebrate him. Howard asked how her daughter is doing. Kirstie said that they're just on this journey. She said they're celebrating his life. Kirstie said it comes in waves. She said she hasn't talked about it until now. Howard said it's difficult to talk about. Kirstie said she wasn't even able to call people and tell them. Kirstie said it brought the family closer together. She said that it brought them really close. She said her son says that he has more empathy now. Kirstie said they're trying to find the good thing and create something new. Howard said that's good to hear. Howard said that he hears about a 23 year old dying and it drives him crazy.
Howard said Kirstie has lost a lot of weight. He said she's down how much. She said 50 pounds. Howard said she has lost weight before. Howard said he thinks she has it figured out now. Howard said he would lose weight and not think he had control. Kirstie said she's doing Jenny Craig and she's a spokesperson for them. Howard asked if they were pissed when she gained weight back. She said that they really wanted to help her. She said she's sticking to the program now. She said she used to be a cocaine addict and it took her getting to the point when she realized it was ruining her life to get her to stop. She said that's where she is with the weight gain. She said she stopped doing the drugs when she realized it was ruining her life. Howard said she lived in Kansas and she was a drug addict. She said that she got to California and she stopped. She said that she never looked back. Kirstie said that the drugs helped her get out of Kansas. She said she was the reverse of Dorothy. She said that she wasn't courageous enough to get out on her own.
Howard said that Kirstie said that she never made love to Shatner on the Star Trek movies. Howard said that Shatner claims that he rubbed up against her in his book. Howard asked if that's true. Kirstie said she's not sure that's what it even says. She said that he did something with his hand where he touched her ass or something. She said it was her first movie and she told him to never touch her. She said now they're on Twitter and tweet to each other.
Howard said he heard that people are brutal to her on Twitter. She said they call her a fat whore and things like that. She said it just happened yesterday. She said she may be a whore but she's not fat anymore. Howard said he saw something on her Twitter account. He said that she didn't get along with this guy Maxim. She said she actually did. Howard said she wrote something about ass raping her. Kirstie said that he went on some show and said something about her not wanting to be around him. She said that he could call her at any time and she got upset that he said something without calling her.
Howard said that Kirstie is into riding bicycles now. She said that she was a kid and she was thin. She said that she wanted to try riding a bicycle again so she bought a Townie. She said that she just rides to everyone's houses. She said she rides to the grocery store and all of that. She said she bribes people to ride with her. She said that she doesn't wear the whole outfit or anything like that. Howard asked if she's clipped in. She said she does mostly trails. She said they're paved trails. She said it's the gentleman's bicycle ride. She said that she found that you can keep the weight off doing that. She said she would never ride around in New York though.
Howard asked if she watches the Golden Globes. Kirstie said she does. Howard asked if she is envious when she's not there. Kirstie said that she was mostly looking at clothes last night. She said the show is very random. She said that the movie she is obsessed with is Whiplash. She said that the kid is great in the movie. She said JK Simmons is great. She said that they have very different views of his character in the movie.
Howard said he imagines living in L.A. that it's got to be tough for an actor. He said the pressure must be insane. Kirstie said that if she does something that she feels is award worthy then she'll feel bad not being there. She said if she doesn't do something then she's just behind all of the stars she wants to win. Howard said he thought Bradley Cooper was great in American Sniper and he wasn't recognized at all. Kirstie said that's why she was saying they're random.
Howard asked if she is happy now or not. Kirstie said that she is as happy as she can be right now. She said that you have to pretend that you're doing well. Howard asked who she's pretending to be doing well for. She said she's doing it for herself.
Howard said that Kirstie is going to sing him a birthday song. Kirstie said that she thinks it's funny that they have the same birthday. Howard told her that Rob Zombie, Rush Limbaugh, Ally Wentworth, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and Joe Frazier all share the same birthday. Kirstie said she loves Joe Frazier. Howard said they're in good company.
Howard had Kirstie sing her song. He said he'll sit and listen. Fred played some music for her to sing with. Kirstie sang the song about Howard to the tune of ''Just the Way You Are.''
Howard asked if Kirstie gets mad when people screw her name up. She said she does. She said they screw it up all the time.
Howard asked how it was being on the Today show. She said she had a great time. Kirstie said that she likes doing interviews where she is asked something new. She said if it's the same question then she turns into a robot.
Kirstie said that next time she has sex she's going to call in on the air and make all of the sounds that are appropriate. She said she'll tell Howard if the guy can't fuck. Howard said that would make him so happy. Howard said that she'll be in a hotel or something and she'll call in and tell him it's boring. Howard said there will be lemurs in the background screaming. He said he has to see these lemurs. Kirstie said that they're great. She said they're adorable and they'll jump all around and hang out on you.
Howard said that Kirstie is a Scientologist and he heard that she became the highest that you can get into. She said she is at OT 7. She said it means that you have gotten rid of all of the things that would create abhorrent behavior in you that you didn't want. Howard asked how many OT7s there are in the world. She said she has no idea. Howard asked if Tom Cruise is an OT7. She said she's not sure. Howard said that it seems like it's going up another ladder like in Karate. Kirstie said that the goal in life is to become more and more aware and less insane.
Howard asked if the kids are into Scientology too. She said they are and it was their choice. She said it's helped them out a lot.
Robin asked about Leah Remini and if she's still friends with her. Kirstie said that she didn't shun her like she claims.
Howard asked what's going on in the world with this French thing. Howard said that he's not sure what to do. Kirstie said that she isn't sure if it's really about religion. She said it has the appearance that it does. She said that she's not sure who these people are who are anti-religion. She said it has to be a small minority of crazy people. Howard said he thought she would have the answers today. Kirstie said maybe she has to make something up.
Howard said Kirstie came in to celebrate his birthday today. He said she's not there to promote anything. Howard said he has a gift for her. Howard said he has an autographed picture of himself for her. Howard said that it's a very choreographed photo.
Howard asked if Kirstie still watches Dancing with the Stars. She said that she does sometimes. She said that she hasn't been home in the last year much so she hasn't seen it. She said she doesn't know how to TiVo so she doesn't do that.
Howard asked Kirstie what type of guy she likes. She said she met Donny Deutsch and he's very interesting. Howard said he's a nice guy too. Howard said he is a funny guy but not funny ha-ha. Kirstie said she likes Bradley Cooper too. Howard said he's very sincere too. Kirstie said that he's very talented and she's really into that too. Howard said that he has to think about this. He said that she was attracted to Patrick Swayze too. She said everyone was. Howard said that he was a good looking guy. Kirstie said she wants someone who is sane. Howard said ''Good luck'' to that. Howard said that she should marry Parker Stevenson again. Kirstie laughed. She said she thinks he has a fiancee. She said he has a girlfriend at least.
Howard asked if she ever had anything from Bill Cosby. Howard said that there are so many women coming forward and Phylicia Rashad is coming forward saying that she thinks the women are lying. Howard said that when so many women come forward you have to be careful about that. Howard said she's a woman too and she should think before speaking. Howard said that they don't know what happened but still. Kirstie asked what the statute of limitations is. Howard said he thinks only one case would fall within that.
Howard asked Kirstie if she has ever had anyone try the casting couch thing with her. Kirstie said that she thinks that someone tried that with her once but she didn't go do an interview at the person's house. She said she knew guys who did that with girls and she knew girls who would go to Malibu to meet with them.
Howard said that he wants to thank her for coming in and singing to him. Howard said that she looks great and she is delightful. Howard said they have to find her a man now. Kirstie said that she is going to take all of the responsibility and put it on Howard. Howard said that he's looking for someone for Robin and now for Kirstie. Howard said they need a Bradley Cooper look alike who has the same money as Donny Deutsch.
Howard asked Kirstie if she has ever gone to a Star Trek convention. She said she went to one. She said that she saw that people wanted to talk to her as her character and she found that kind of odd. She said that was a long time ago and it was very sketchy. She said that these days it seems to be a really big thing.
Howard said when she wore that costume it was skin tight. Kirstie said that she got down to 114 pounds back then. She said that her mother had just died and she was poor and she went up to 130 pounds. She said they had to let her costume out. She said she got back to 118 and she had to have her costume taken in again. She said that she wasn't stick skinny so it's not too noticeable. She said she likes her boobs at a normal size. She said she gets engorged and she doesn't like them. She said some women look good with big ones like that but not her.
Howard asked if she talks about guy's dicks with her friends. She said they would talk more about them if a penis looked like a lollipop. She said they might talk about one of it's really small.
Howard asked who the girls are that she hangs out with. Kirstie said she has friends from when she was a little kid. She said one of her friends was a hooker and she ended up dying. Kirstie said that her mom told her that if she was going to be promiscuous that she should get paid for it. She said she ended up doing that. She died from being an alcoholic or something. Howard asked if she stayed din touch with her. Kirstie said that she came to her house one day and she had a big swimming pool. She said that her friend said that she was all successful and look at that pool. She said everyone there has a pool. Kirstie said that her friend said she wanted to race her in the pool. Kirstie said that Julie said that she wanted a race. Kirstie said she wanted to do it right then and then she said she was on. Kirstie said she ripped her dress off and hopped in the pool in her underwear. She said she swam faster than she ever has. She said she lapped her in a short pool.
Kirstie said that she gets jealous too. She said that her friend has a dog that looks like a Japanese bear and she's jealous of that.
Howard said he danced all night on New Year's. He asked what she did on New Year's. Kirstie told Howard that her son made a potato gun. She said that they were sitting by the water and they were stuffing potatoes in the gun and firing them into the water. She said they go about 200 yards. Howard said she's an OT7 and she's shooting potatoes.
Howard asked Kirstie if she could have a one night stand when she goes out clubbing. She said she won't. Howard asked who she would want to be with if she could be with one person. Kirstie said that there is one guy named Ben who isn't famous. Howard asked why she doesn't do that. Kirstie said it would be a hook up and not a love thing. She said that he's just hot and smart. Howard asked if he's in New York. Kirstie said she's not sure if he is. Howard said they have to get him on the phone and get them together.
Howard asked who she's friends with. She mentioned Kathy Najimy and people like that. She said she has a lot of great friends. Howard said he has to see the Lemurs she has too. Howard said he has to go to L.A. for America's Got Talent so he has to see her lemurs. He said he wants her to call him when Ben is inside of her too. Kirstie said that she will do that. She said she thinks this guy Ben would do that too.
Howard thanked Kirstie for coming in. Howard said he was happy she came in to celebrate their birthday together. Howard wished her continued success. Howard said he wants to see her on Broadway. She said she's working on that. She said she wants to do Mame or Drop Dead Gorgeous. She said she did the movie and she wants to do it on Broadway. She said she has to do something she loves. She said that's something she would do. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later. As they went to break they played a prank call the guys made to the Unintelligible Guy using clips of the same guy to talk to himself.
Robin said she saw the movie ''The Imitation Game'' and it was great. Robin said that anyone who is anti-gay should step away from the computer because the whole thing was invented by a gay man.
Howard said that they tried to find out what the name of the song was that Robin recorded in Guatemala. Howard played a clip of Sal calling someone asking what the name of the song is. The woman he spoke to didn't know the name of the song. Another guy didn't know. They called a bunch of people and no one knew the exact name of it was.
Howard said he did his Elephant Man impression with Bradley Cooper. Howard said they have both of them doing a threesome porno with a girl. Howard played the clip where both he and Bradley were doing their Elephant Man and there was another person screaming in the background.
Howard said Fred looked up and found that John Williams did the theme for Jaws but someone claims that he stole it. Howard said it is kind of weird. Howard played the Jaws theme and this Dvorak Symphony number 9. Howard said it sounds very similar. Howard played John Williams' Star Wars theme and he played a theme from Ronald Reagan's movie ''King's Row'' and the theme sounded a tiny bit like it. Howard said he thinks it's the same thing. He said it's fucking weird. Fred said that Eric Kingold wrote the King's Row theme music.
Howard asked where he found this information. Fred said there are probably other people who had the same observation but he found this on Cracked.com.
Howard said he's glad that the movie ''Boyhood'' won a lot of awards. He said he loved the movie. Robin said she didn't love that. Howard said he didn't like Birdman. Robin said she didn't either. Robin said it was sold as something it isn't. She said it wasn't that much fun. Howard said that he gets what they were going for but it's been done before.
Howard said that the Boyhood movie was really well done. He said Ethan Hawke was really good in it. Robin said she agrees about that but there is no story there. Robin said there is no point. She said it was interesting to see the boy getting older but that's about it. Howard said that he liked when Prince came out last night on the golden Globe awards. He said everyone thinks he's so great.
Howard said that SiriusXM said they have 27.3 million subscribers. Howard said that they were under 400,000 when she signed up with them. Howard said that he wrote in his notebook that he can see a day when they will have 30 million. He said they're not that far off. Howard said the dream has come true and he congratulates the company on that. He said it makes him feel good.
Howard said the Oprah channel was discontinued too. He said she only came there one time. He said that he comes there regularly. Howard said he drops by every once in a while.
Howard said Larry David was on the air with them and he was saying that he could coach offense and defense for the Jets. Howard said it was very entertaining. Howard said that all of the dumb football players are arguing about it. Howard said this Donovan McNab and other guys are taking it so seriously. Howard said that they're saying that he's insulting their sport. Howard said they're so dopey. Howard played some audio of a discussion some of these people were having.
Howard said that these guys are telling him to stick to comedy. Howard said he thought Boomer Esiason was a smart guy but just listen to him. Howard played a clip of him talking about how Larry should curb his enthusiasm about that whole thing. Howard asked what the clock is behind him ticking. Gary said Jason said he does a ''sports minute'' thing on his show.
Howard said that Larry is going to go on Oprah to apologize now. Howard said it was a joke you fucking maniacs.
Howard played another clip of some football player making the same joke about how Larry should curb his enthusiasm. Howard said again that the guy was joking around.
Speech asked what Howard is doing for his birthday. Howard said that he's going to dinner. Speech asked if he's going to be watching porn. Howard said he did that last night. Howard said there was some lesbian porn he watched. He said it didn't take him long. He said he watched maybe a minute of it. Howard said this girl is laying on a filthy cot and she's in a bikini in high heels. Howard said the friend walks in and then they lock the door. Howard said that he didn't make it very far into it. Howard said he had to get to bed and get to sleep. He said it was hard to get to sleep last night.
Robin said they have this later time now and sometimes Sundays are hard to get to sleep. Robin said you live kind of a normal life the rest of the week.
Howard said Joan Rivers is calling in from Heaven to talk about the Golden Globes. Howard said he has to take a break first. They went to break after that.
After the break Howard came back and said he noticed that most newspapers won't print what the terrorists in France are freaking out over. Howard said that he still doesn't know what they were freaking out over. Howard said these are scary times. Robin said Tina and Amy were saying that they killed The Interview.
Howard said people are wondering what we can do about this. Howard said one thing that we can do is stop letting these people back in the country when they go to another country to train with Al Queda. Howard said when they return you boot them right back to Al Quedaville. Howard said imagine if you went to train with the Nazis in World War II and then let them back in. Robin said that's why they interred Japanese citizens in World War II. Howard said she's right but this is one thing you can do. He said you don't let them back in the country when they go to train with Al Queda. Robin said we're supposed to be free. Howard said we're not free to go kill each other. Howard said we have rules. He said you can't do anything you want. He said you can't expect to be welcomed home after training with Al Queda. Howard said that we are at war. Robin said we have to declare war against something. Howard said we are at war. He said there are police officers who are going to Mosques to hear what's going on. Robin said if they're not doing anything wrong then they won't care. Howard said most religions can't get anyone to show up.
Howard asked Joan about some of the winners and Joan had some jokes about them. She had some jokes about Amy Adams and the movie Big Eyes. She said she can't wait for the sequel that Howard will be in called Big Nose. Howard and Robin spent a minute talking about that movie.
Howard asked Joan what else she had. Joan had some jokes about Neil Patrick Harris and some others. Howard said they really miss Joan. He thanked her for the call and let her go a short time later.
Howard said Shepard Smith was talking to a guy on FOX News and he goes off on a guy for no reason. Howard said all the other guy said was that they had to ''be careful'' during the search for the terrorists in Paris. Shepard was upset that he didn't have a prompter in the right spot. The two of them started arguing and then Shepard cut him off and didn't let him speak. Howard said what the guy was saying was that they have to be careful what they say after something like that and Shepard took it personally. Robin said that they probably don't talk to people from the NY Times very often over there at FOX News.
Howard said he has some audio from Riley Martin's show. Riley was saying some hellos to his fans and mumbling through most of them.
Howard took a call from Tommy in Malden who wished him a Happy Birthday again. He did that last week too. Tommy asked Howard if he thinks that political correctness is going to ruin the country. Howard said sometimes it's really civility. Howard said sometimes it's good. Tommy said it's not. Tommy said it's free speech. Howard said he keeps cutting him off. Howard said it can be good at times. Howard said that it used to be okay to call a black person the N-word. Howard was trying to talk but Tommy cut him off again. Howard said when it's bad is like now with the terrorism thing. Howard said the NY Daily News attacked him over saying that the cyber attacks on Sony were terrorism. Howard said that these people are at war and in any other war we identify an enemy and we send soldiers over to fight. Howard said we're allowing people to go train with the enemy and allowing them to come back. Howard said this is where political correctness hurts.
Tommy said that Eric Holder was saying that they're not going to stereotype. He said that they're not going to look at middle eastern people. Howard said they have to. Howard said that there are some other shit heads who don't fit the profile who do these things.
Tommy said that Al Michaels said some things about political correctness on the show. Howard said that we have a terrible blight on our country with the slavery thing. Howard said that we have a terrible blight on this country because of that. Tommy said that Gary the Retard should be Gary the Retard. Howard said we can't be sensitive to everything. Howard let Tommy go and played a clip of Riley Martin singing Happy Birthday in an alien language.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he would have Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David on the show together. Howard said sure he would. Howard said he thought of a million more things he wanted to ask Larry David about. Howard said he hopes he comes in again so he can ask him more stuff. The caller said he thinks that he'd come back now that he's staying in New York for a few months.
Howard said he was hoping that Steve Carell would win something last night. He said he did say that he would thank him if he did. Howard said you have to be careful who you ask to do that. Howard said he asked Steve to do that and he said he would. Howard said he asked Emily Blunt to do that and she looked at him like he was insane. Howard said she looked at him like he was crazy. Howard said it would be fun to be mentioned. Howard said it would have been nice.
Howard took a call from a guy who wished Howard a happy birthday. Howard took another call from a woman who did the same. She also said that she got a new car and it has Sirius in it. She said she wasn't going to renew unless they gave her the Howard Stern channel and it wasn't there when she renewed. She said that she's glad she was able to keep him after calling. She said she loves that Howard is so honest. Howard thanked her for that.
Howard said that Bill Cosby was performing in Canada. Howard said some guy started screaming out in the audience ''Rapist!'' Howard said this is how Cosby handled it. Howard played a clip of Cosby telling the guy to be quiet. Cosby told the audience to be patient and wait for the guy to leave. Howard said imagine his fucking life. Howard said he made a joke over the weekend about how women shouldn't drink around him. Robin laughed. Howard said he's serious. He said that a woman got up to go to get a drink and Cosby told her not to do that around him. Howard said he thought that was sort of getting interesting. Howard said imagine his life now. He said this is a guy who walked around beloved. Howard said he was thrown off by Phylicia Rashad's comments. Howard said that as a woman her defense of him is weak. Howard said that she's saying that she never saw any of this behavior. She said that she thought that these women were trying to destroy a legacy. Howard asked why that matters if he's an icon. Robin said she's saying that we need icons and don't besmirch them. Howard asked who the biggest icon is now. Robin said the Dalai Lama. Howard said that if he raped someone you wouldn't tell people not to talk about it. Robin said if she heard that happened to Howard she would defend him. Robin said she would say that she hasn't been with him 24 hours a day but she has never seen that behavior. Howard said you can't discredit the women who are coming out about Cosby. Robin said she wouldn't say anything about them. Howard said he thinks that she has since taken back some of what she said.
Robin said there was a murmur in the crowd when Amy and Tina said something last night. Howard said he would think it was strange if they didn't say something. Robin said they didn't say ''allegedly'' at all. Howard said he thinks they believe what's going on. Howard said he'll give the guy an allegedly but that's only fair. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard said Mariann from Brooklyn is dying to wish him a happy birthday. Howard picked up but Mariann was singing and he told her to stop singing. Mariann said that David Letterman is leaving on May 20th and she wondered if Howard is going to go on. Mariann said that's the same day that Johnny Carson left. Howard said he didn't know that.
Howard said his agent just called and said he's getting a lot of calls to do late night shows. Howard said he told his agent that Jimmy Kimmel is his friend. He said he doesn't want to offend him. He said with Letterman he guesses he would do it. Howard said he knows they want him. Howard said he would like to go say goodbye to Dave but he was talking to his wife about it. He said she had a great idea. Beth told him that he should be the last guest and then he would host the show. Howard said they throw out the set and they just review his entire career. Howard said that they do that and play clips and all of that. Howard said they bring out some people to sit with them like Bill Murray and Steve Martin. Howard said they do a final show like that. Howard said he got all charged up about it but then he realized how arrogant that would be. Howard said Dave wants to do what he wants to do. He said he thinks Dave will do his own final speech like Johnny Carson did. Howard said it would be great but he doesn't think Dave wants him doing that. Howard said he will go by and say goodbye to him.
Mariann said that Bill Murray was great in St. Vincent. Howard said he saw him at the Golden Globes last night. He said it's too bad he didn't win. Howard said there are so many talented people out there. He said that so many were nominated last night. He went over some of the people who were nominated and talked about how hard it is to pick just one as the best performance. Howard said there are just so many great ones.
Howard said they had that awful movie Birdman that didn't even make sense. Howard said someone must have gotten paid off for that one. Mariann said it's politics. Howard thanked her for the call.
Mariann asked if she wants her to give a rundown for AGT. Howard said no but Mariann started to go over some stuff. Howard cut her off and hung up on her.
Howard said he is doing AGT this year and he got the schedule for the taping dates. Howard said it was completely different than last year. Howard said he had to call the producer and say he can't go to L.A. for two weeks. He said they know that already. Howard said that they said he waited so long to sign up that they had to scramble. Howard said they didn't give him a time limit though. Howard said he was going through the schedule and he figured he just can't do it. Howard said he has a job there. Howard said everyone knows it too. Howard said he thought it would be the same schedule. Howard said he assumed it would be the same as last year so now he's not happy. He said he was trying to be Mr. Happy Go Lucky but now that's gone. Howard said they have another 2 weeks where they tape every day. Howard said it's from 12pm to 10pm. Howard said that he has to do a radio show from 7-11 and then go do that until 10. Howard said that he was very irritable. Howard said he's Mr. Miserable now. Howard said they will work it out though.
Howard asked Benjy if he decided on the weight loss thing. Benjy said he wanted to do something with Jonah Hill and they said they were going to check with Perez Hilton over it. Howard said High Pitch Eric wants to do something too. Howard played a clip of the fake Perez Hilton calling in and talking about what he wanted to do to Benjy.
Howard played a High Pitch Eric clip where he talked about how Benjy is going to blow him if he doesn't lose the weight. He said he was ready to shoot ropes all over Benjy's blotchy face. Howard asked if that's the real Eric. Fred said it is. Howard said that the impressions are so good these days that he can't tell sometimes.
Benjy said that Andy Cohen said he would put him and Elisa on Real Housewives if he lost the weight. He said if he doesn't then Howard could pick someone to fuck him. Howard said things get really complicated with Benjy when they get into all of that. Howard said that they have to figure it out. He said Benjy is the one who wants to lose weight. Benjy said he really does. Howard said he doesn't know if it's that big of a deal for him to get fucked in the ass. Benjy said he thinks there is a step there. Robin said he is willing to take that step though. Howard said he thinks that he'd rather stay fat or just die before he'd get fucked in the ass.
Howard said Benjy was getting thinner for a while. Benjy said that he is gorgeous when he's thin. Howard said Beth did say that he was good looking but she's the nicest person in the world. Howard said that they have a feral cat near the house and Beth spent most of the night trying to get it to come in when it was really cold out. Howard said that's how nice she is. Howard said she may say something negative about a dress on the Golden Globes or something. Howard said Beth is just kind. Howard said she must not even find him attractive. Benjy said Howard looks good. Howard said he is not aging well. He said he's aging horribly. Benjy said his face looks great. Howard said he thinks it looks awful. He said he's had a tough time with his looks but it's really hard.
Gary said that he just got a note from Andy Cohen saying that he never made that offer to Benjy. Benjy said he tweeted it out and it was the real Andy. Howard said that Andy has that whole franchise worked out. He said Benjy and Elisa don't fit in. Howard asked what Benjy would do on there. Benjy said they would just be themselves.
Gary said that they found the tweet and it was from June and Andy said he would ''consider'' doing that. Howard said he would watch that if he was on. Howard said you'd think Benjy would want to lose the weight just to look better. Gary said that fat people sometimes just look like a deflated balloon. Benjy said he has a nice face. Howard said he knows he's ugly and he can't believe Benjy doesn't know he's ugly. Howard said Benjy is ugly, fat and delusional. Benjy said Howard isn't ugly. Howard said he is and he knows it.
Howard said that he knows how bad he looks when he sees himself on TV. He said that these camera men are short and they have to shoot up his nostrils. He said he wants them to be on a dolly or something to get up to his height. Howard said he likes sitting on the set. He said the reality pieces are hideous. Howard said that he doesn't want Heidi's people to be taking pictures of him either. Howard said it was all about Heidi. Howard said he had to turn to someone asking who the fuck that guy was. He said he thought he was from NBC but then he blew a fit when he found out it was Heidi's guy. Howard said he doesn't like the way he looks. He said if he looked better he'd be happy to take pictures. Howard said that Howie is better looking than him. Robin told him to stop it.
Howard said Howie is the sexy guy on the show. Howard said he's not even sure who is on the show this season. Howard said he hasn't been told yet. Robin said she saw Heidi at the Golden Globes last night. Howard said she loves that shit. Howard did a live commercial read a short time later.
Howard said he got Robin's gifts too. Howard said he's sure his wife will get him something too. Howard said most gifts are a nuisance. Howard said he got a nice gift from the granddaughter of Jerry's Artarama. Howard said he has a couple of paintings that he's done that are really good. He said he's going to get there at some point. He said that it may take him the rest of his life though. Howard said he sucks so bad. Robin said he must not suck that bad. Robin said they say if you can write your own name then you can doodle. Howard said he's doodling right now.
Howard said they really have to get to the news. Robin said she was going to get Howard a book about doing one drawing a day. Howard said he got that and threw it right away. He said he was just joking. Howard said he has great teachers. He said he'd tell their names but he doesn't want to ruin it.
Robin started her news with some Golden Globes news. Robin read about Amy Poehler and Tina Fey hosting the show. Howard said that Tina is hot. Robin said she didn't like her dress. Howard said guys don't care about that. Robin said Amy looked really good. Robin had some clips from the show that she had Howard play. She had some of the jokes Amy and Tina told and had some of the winner's speeches. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin got back to more Golden Globe coverage. Robin had some of Billy Bob Thornton's short speech from the Golden Globes. He kept it short and just said thank you because he knows how easy it is to get in trouble. Robin said Jared Leto got political when he made a speech. Robin said he was making it plain that his loyalties are with the people marching in France against terrorism. Robin had some audio of his speech. Robin had a few more clips of winners making their acceptance speeches. Howard did another live commercial read after those.
Howard and Robin spent a short time talking about Prince and why he walks around with a cane. Howard took a call from a woman who wished him a happy birthday. She asked Howard what his relationship is with Beth and music. She asked if Beth has the same music tastes. Howard said she gets annoyed with him and his music. Howard said he wants her to share. Howard said he will want to hear a song on a show and Beth will want him to fast forward. Howard said Beth looks at him like he's from outer space. Howard said she isn't into music like he is. He said she doesn't get cuckoo from it like he does. Howard said he is so into music and you'd think he should play. The caller was trying to tell him something else but she was speaking too slow for him so Howard said he had to go. Howard said her name was Indigo so of course you're going to speak like that with the accent and all of that. Howard said something happened there. Howard said maybe she has a walking stick and a neck brace like Prince.
Robin read about the rally of millions of people in Paris who were marching in a show of unity. Robin said there was no American government representation there. Howard said he hopes they were home trying to figure out how to stop the same thing from happening there. Robin said John Kerry is brushing off the criticism that we weren't there. Robin read a story about a vigil in New York City that was held for the Paris victims. Robin had some audio of someone speaking about that. Robin said that ISIL is encouraging their secret cells to do the same in this country. Howard said the guys in France weren't secret at all. Robin said they are secret to them. Howard said that secret cells are ones you know nothing about. Howard said that these fucking guys had flown to a country to meet with Al Queda and France still let them back in. Howard said they have to stop that. Howard said that's not a secret cell. Howard said a secret cell is one you know nothing about. Howard said these guys were no secret.
Robin read a story about how people are asking for a truce between the police and Mayor DeBlasio in New York City. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that.
Robin read a story about the use of banned choke holds in New York City and had a clip of someone talking about that.
Robin read a story about the national sex trafficking awareness month that's going on now. Robin had a clip of someone speaking about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what the greatest gift he ever got from his parents was. Howard said the Great Garloo is probably it. Howard said he loved that robot. Howard said he wanted that thing so bad. Howard said his mother didn't like it but he loved Garloo. Howard said he could push his hands together and raise them up above his head. Howard said he could also more forward and backward. The caller asked how old he was. Howard said probably around 12. Howard said maybe 9. Robin said she got him one and he hated it. Howard said he's too old for it now. Howard said that his neighbor used to beat him up all the time and he had the competing robot. Howard said his Garloo knocked down his robot. He said he can't remember the name of that robot. Howard said that kid beat him up for doing that. Howard said the other one may have been Gigantor. Howard said Garloo just overpowered the other one. Howard said they were so lame compared to what they have now. He said that it was the biggest piece of shit compared to what they have now. Howard said the commercial made it look so great. Fred played a commercial they had for the robot. Howard said it could pick up stuff. He said it was so stupid. He said it could carry water and he'd have it do that. Howard said you had a wire attached so you had to be right next to it. He said he loved it when he got it but then he burned out on it quickly.
Robin read a story about a guy who was on 60 Minutes last night talking about Obamacare and how it has made health care affordable for some but out of reach for others. Howard asked if Steve Kroft was on last night. Robin said she hasn't watched yet. Robin had some audio from the interview.
Robin read a story about Eddie Murphy releasing a new song. Robin had a clip of the song that's a Rastafarian song. Howard said Eddie really wants to be a singer. They listened to some of the song. Howard said it's good to see Eddie getting back to being funny. Robin said she thinks this is serious. Howard said he thought it was funny.
Robin read about the box office takes for this weekend. Robin said Taken 3 took in over $40 million and took the number 1 spot. Howard asked what they take in this one. Robin said she thinks they kill the mother. Robin said they say this is the last in the series. Robin said Selma as number 2, Into the woods was number 3 and The Hobbit was number 4. Robin said Unbroken was at number 5.
Robin read a story about 3 4th graders who were suspended for plotting to kill their teacher. Robin said the girls were plotting to kill the teacher with hand sanitizer for being mean to them. Robin said the girls didn't carry out the plot but the school is taking the threat seriously. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Jon said it was Howard's birthday today. He said he really appreciates Robin's gifts. He said that she did some research and found some stuff that he'd be interested in. Jon said Howard isn't the easiest one to shop for. He said that you don't want your gift being thrown into a wood chipper. Jon said Ronnie came in and read a new poem of his. He played a short clip of that. Jon said the weird thing about the poem is that it wasn't clear if he wrote it on his own or if someone told him to do it.
Jon said that he thinks Howard may have been disappointed by the fact that someone asked him to write something. Jon said that Ronnie feels that he wanted to do something nice for his boss. He said trying to find the right gift for Howard is tough. He said Robin did a good job and went out of her way to find something.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he has been listening for a few weeks driving around the United States. He said that people seem to accept anything that's thrown at them by the news channels there in the States. He is from the UK. Jon asked the guy what he's doing there. The caller said he's from the UK and he's doing research for a restaurant he's going to open there. He said he has listened to Howard over the years when he's been in the States. The caller said Howard is the only thing he listens to in the car at this point. Jon asked the caller what he thinks about Howard's comments about the attacks. The caller said that Howard is right about Cyber Terrorism. He said that it's had a real affect on things. Jon asked if he thinks Howard is right about people going to train with Al Queda not being allowed back in the country. The caller said he's not sure what they should do but maybe arrest them. He said if you can prove it then you deport them if not then you surveill them even more. He said they have rules and you have to follow the rules. Jon went to break a short time later.
The caller said that he stumbled across a clip of Jon doing a first pitch and he wondered if he caught flack for that. Jon said he didn't get as much as Gary did. He said he bounced it and thanked the guy for bringing that up.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he has a Benjy thing and a Golden Globe thing. He said with Benjy he thinks it would be more show business like for Benjy and Elisa to call themselves a duo instead of a couple. Jon said that doesn't imply that they're a couple. He said he'll give him that. The caller said he was glued to the TV last night watching J-Lo with an areola slip. Jon said he thinks people did catch it. Jon said that no one is making a big deal out of it. The caller asked if he tried tilting his TV to the side to check for more. Jon said he thinks he'd throw his back out if he did that.
Jon took another call from a guy who brought up the Bill Cosby controversy and how no one jumps down Amy and Tina's throats for making those jokes but Chris Rock gets shit for doing the same kind of thing. Jon said he thinks when you're hosting a show like that it's a very tough gig. He said that people want you to fail. He said that everyone is there to win their awards and it's hard to overcome that. He said he doesn't think that Chris Rock is picked apart anymore than they are.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked who cares about the Benjy thing. Jon said Howard does. Jon said that some people don't look better when they lose weight but he thinks it's a fair question for Benjy. Jon said they'll figure that out when they get the votes counted.
Jon said Kirstie Alley came in today to hang out with Howard on his birthday. He said she sang a little bit to him too. He played a clip of her singing. Jon said that she told Howard that she's looking for a guy now and she has some requirements. Jon said that she put it in Howard's hands to find it for her. Jon played a clip of Howard talking to Kirstie about her calling into the show when she's having sex. He had a clip of her talking about a guy she knew who had a tiny penis. Jon said that was from the last time she was on.
Jon said that Kirstie talked about people mispronouncing her name and things like that too. Jon said Kirstie has lost a lot of weight and she's been able to keep it off with her new routine. Jon said it was nice of her to just stop by to hang out with Howard on his birthday.
Jon said Shuli is in there with his Howard 100 News headlines. Shuli ran down a few things they had coming up today. He also got in a plug for today's Leiberman Live. They went to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they see Howard's age showing through now that he's talking about the police state we're in. He said Howard seems to be getting more and more conservative. Gary said Howard has been very pro-police as long as he has known him. He said he thinks that our opinions change a lot as we get older so that's to be expected. Jon said things do change as you get older. He said you see things differently.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked how hypocritical it is that Kirstie doesn't trust men who are over 40 and have never been married. Gary asked if the caller has ever been married. The guy said he has heard that from women a lot. Gary said if he heard that someone had been married that long and didn't get married that it would be kind of odd. Gary said as a general rule you do want to hear that someone was engaged at least. He said that it is kind of strange.
Jon said it is Howard's birthday. He said he thinks that he is enjoying it. He said that Robin went above and beyond with the gifts. Gary said he was going to get some brushes for him but he went another way. Gary said that you can't get him the biggest and best thing because he has what he wants. He said you have to really put some work into it and figure out what he'd like. Gary said he had to look into it and figure out who Howard likes. Gary said the gift he got him is something he thought he'd enjoy. He said that he also thinks about doing it for the air so there's a double CD set for Paul McCartney. He said he might bring it in tomorrow to play it or he'll say it was a big piece of shit.
Jon said that Ronnie read his poem today too. Gary said he missed it because he was speaking to someone on the phone. Jon said he can hear it on the replay then. Jon said that they have the results of the poll and they say that 76 percent of the votes are for fat Benjy. Jon wrapped up and ended the show a short time later. They were done around 11:50am.
Howard started the show asking what's going on in the hall over there. Fred said he thinks it's a fire alarm. Howard asked how they know if it's a real one or not. He said that they go off so often and you just stop listening to them.
Howard said he had a nice night last night. He said he went to Jean George for dinner. Howard said he knew it was his birthday. Howard said he didn't have to pay but he ended up tipping everyone extra. Howard said that's some restaurant. Howard said it's like the number 1 restaurant in the world. Robin said she doesn't think that's the case. She said it's not here in the states. Howard said there in New York it is number 1 though. He said he can see why. He said he gets the same thing every time. He doesn't go there that often. Howard said he likes it because of the snob factor. He said he won't run into Benjy there. He said that's code for riff raff. Howard said that they have a big demand over there. Howard said people have to wait 6 months for a reservation.
Howard said they had dinner and they ate it fast. He said he likes that. Howard said he likes them to bring it out as fast as they can like McDonald's. Howard said it's a school night and he has homework to do. He said he really does and it takes hours.
Howard said he must be crotchety. He said everyone was emailing him ''Happy birthday.'' He said his entire email is clogged enough. He said he gets 1000 new emails with birthday wishes. Howard said you don't have to do that. Robin said that's when Facebook comes in handy. Robin said you have to open and delete the email. Howard said then he has to write people back. He said he would rather paint. He doesn't have time for it. He said he'd like to be able to do that every day. He can do that when he retires.
Howard said that David Letterman is retiring in May and Stephen Colbert isn't starting until September. Howard said he's not sure why they have to do that. Howard said he's not sure what the thinking is there. Howard said Jimmy Fallon took over right away from Jay Leno and no one cares. Howard said maybe they're going to convert the theater for Colbert. Howard said he's not sure what's going on.
Howard said he got a memo last night from AGT trying to work out the dates. He said they just have to show up and do their thing. Howard said that it doesn't seem that complicated to him. He said he has to do some dates for AGT where he has to do the radio show. He said they were going to get some guest judge to sit in for him. Howard said that's fine with him. He asked if they can have that person sit in for the whole season. Robin said maybe that judge can sit in for him for anything he doesn't want to do.
Howard said he got in trouble last year for saying he didn't want to sit in the Snapple lounge. Howard said they thought it was because it was Snapple but that's not it at all. Howard said he just didn't want to be on camera in there. He said the product is great but the bit sucked.
Howard said Robin had an acting thing going on for a while. She was on a TV movie called ''Deadly Web.'' Howard said he thought that was her ticket into the Golden Globes. Howard said she was on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air too. Howard said he wasn't able to follow the plot of that show though.
Howard said Tom Arnold will be in later. He said Sal and Richard took some of the Larry David clips from last week when he kept clearing his throat and called Swap Shop. Howard played the call and they had Larry clearing his throat constantly. Howard was laughing as that played. The host of the show kept telling the guy to clear his throat.
Howard said last night it was just him and Beth at dinner. He said he wanted to keep it low key. He said he'll be doing something with the kids later this week. Howard said birthdays are a mind fuck. He said that's a quote from Beth. Howard said it's so true. Howard said that it's just weird. He said going to dinner was cool. He said they were excited to get into bed to watch The Bachelor. Howard said they love that show. He said they made beautiful love too. He said he wasn't sure they were going to. He said he was so tired.
Howard said he was going to sleep and then he got frisky. Howard said he threw his leg over Beth's leg. That means sex might happen. Howard said he did that and if he gets an erection then he knows it's time. Howard said it did happen and he entered her. Howard said you should see him make love. Robin said that's not something she wants to see.
Howard said he got a couple of gift. Howard said Fred gave him a guitar pedal. He said he hasn't been playing that much though. Fred said it's a great pedal. He said it might get him back into playing. Howard said that he should try it. Howard said he was thinking he could bring it in there and use it. Fred said if he plays with it then it will inspire him. Howard said he was going to re-gift it to Fred. Fred said he already has one though.
Howard said he didn't get a lot of gifts. Howard said some people donated to Bianca's Furry Friends. Howard said Sal and Will did that. Howard said he wants Sal to save his money for his kids to go to college. Howard said he doesn't need to donate for him.
Howard asked Jean why she doesn't trust her boyfriend to go out. Jean said there are women who desire men like her boyfriend. She said that they don't care if he's not into them. She said that they will try to pick up both of them as a pair. Robin said she wants to see this guy. Jean said he's hot. Howard said he knew a guy whose girlfriend would blow him right before he went out. Howard said he knows that doesn't make a dent in a man's horniness. Jean said that a man wants more than one woman. She said that it's not that easy.
Howard said Jean says that one night the guy came home and the penis was smeared. Jean said that they live in Florida and she knows that it doesn't smear that easily. Howard said that it does get swampy down there though. Howard said that he can see it happening. Jean said that he sweats a lot and it doesn't smear. She said she hit the roof when this happened. She said that he had to take a lie detector test for that one.
Jean said she wants to share this with other women. She said that she's 54 and her man is 46. She said that she's very secure with her looks. She said you can bounce a quarter off her ass. She said she keeps herself up. She said she deserves to have a man like this.
Howard asked how long the marker stays on the penis. She said they've done it for 8 hours. She said that she wants to be sure that he's not cheating and she has tried things to make it come off. She said it comes off in the shower and if you're having sex. Howard asked if the man can write on her vagina lips. Jean said he doesn't think she's the cheater so he doesn't have to do that. She said it's kind of too wet down there too. Howard said she is 54 so maybe it's not that wet.
Howard said that he thinks this guy has figured out how to cheat. She said she doesn't think he could. Howard said he can go get a magic marker and write it again. Jean said that she takes a picture of it so he'd have to match it up perfectly. Robin asked what he's doing when he goes out. Jean said he goes out and plays cards. Howard said then he comes home and she inspects his penis. Jean said she puts on her glasses and makes sure it looks good. She said then the penis is right there in her face so there are benefits for that technique.
Howard said this is some ego booster. Howard said this woman writes books about signing her husband's dick. Howard thanked her for calling in with that tip. Howard said the tip is the best part too.
Howard let Jean go and saw a picture of her. Howard said she does look pretty good. Howard said he wonders if she has ever gone anywhere and seen ink all over a woman's mouth. Howard said he has to take a break. He said he was thinking that the Sirius stock would have gone up after the announcement that they had a lot of new subscribers. He said that it didn't move. He said he heard that they issued so much stock that it can't go up that much. Howard said he figured it was going to go through the roof. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard took a call from Monotone Matt who asked if he has anything planned like kissing Howie Mandel on AGT. Howard said he didn't plan that out. Howard said maybe he'll finger Heidi this year. Howard said he doesn't plan anything out. Howard said sometimes he might scribble some notes about a contestant. Howard said he forgets sometimes too. Howard said that it's a pretty spontaneous thing. Matt said maybe he can kiss Nick Canon. Howard said maybe he'll give him a hand job. Howard let Matt go and played a theme song for him from Little Mikey.
Howard said that everyone has a song except for Wolfie. Howard said Wolfie actually does have one. Wolfie said he does but he never plays it. Howard said that's because he wanted it too bad.
Wolfie said he came up with some solutions for Bobo to wear. He said that maybe a raccoon skin cap. Howard said that might work. He said he loves the raccoon cap. Robin said no one wears them anymore. Howard said the last person was Daniel Boone. Wolfie said it might be too hot in Florida though. Wolfie suggested a stove pipe hat.
Howard said this is going nowhere. He said Wolfie went to BeerFest and asked some people questions. He said that these people think they're beer aficionados. Wolfie said they're just drunks who are starting fights all over the place. He said everyone there was spitting in his face too. He said they'd talk to him and spit would hit his eyeballs.
Howard asked what this cost. Wolfie said it's 60 bucks and you go all weekend. Howard said that's what Richard does. Howard asked Richard to come in and talk about ding this. Richard said he does this about once a month. Howard asked how much he drinks there. Richard said you drink so much you lose track. He said he's met a lot of people there and he stays in touch with them. Richard said he'll search out a beer that's made with something weird. Howard asked if he camped out there. Richard said he has. He said you set up camp and drink all night. He said that you don't smell good after doing that.
Howard said he was listening to these interviews and it's amazing how easily people let out the N-word. Howard said he's going to play some of these interviews. Robin asked where this goes on. Wolfie said this was at the convention center in Philadelphia.
Howard asked Richard why he can't just order this beer on the web. Richard said they make it in very small batches. Gary told Howard Richard was telling him about a beer that's only available for 2 weeks a year. Richard said he knows one that's only available for one day a year.
Howard asked Richard what he's spent the most money on. Richard said there's one that's about $300 a bottle. He said it's a sipping beer so it can last a couple of years. Howard said he had to have finished that in one session. Richard said it lasted him about a year. He said that you just drink a little bit at a time.
Howard asked Richard if it's true he's drinking breakfast beer. Richard said he does that on the weekends. Howard said he's got a problem. Richard said that they're really good.
At one point Richard said ''it's funner to drink it'' so Howard goofed on him for saying that. He said that this guy works for him. Howard asked if there's anyone else out there who can do this job.
Howard played an interview Wolfie did with a guy at BeerFest. He was asking the guy about his favorite beer and how much he's drinking there. The guy said he has had 48 and he was able to drive home. Howard said that's why he doesn't like driving. Howard played another interview where Wolfie spoke to a guy and had him trying to spell Fermentation. The guy also sad he has had a 30 pack at one sitting. Howard said that he imagines Richard doing that. Richard said he's only had 21 at one time. He said that was in high school. Richard said his father had some whiskey that they took to a lake. He said they all streaked and they put their wieners by the guy's face. He said they slapped him with them. Richard said the guy woke up and they ran out of there.
Howard played some more interviews and Wolfie was asking guys what they'd like to say to their bosses and things like that. He asked one guy how he knows when a woman is too drunk to consent. The guy said you can't tell. Wolfie asked one guy what he would do if he tried to kiss him. The guy said he would break him in half. That guy was throwing the N-word around too.
Howard said he's shocked how some people just throw that N-word out there. Wolfie said there were a few. Howard said this gets more interesting. Howard played another interview where Wolfie asked what race these guys would get rid of. One guy said that he'd get rid of the Jews. Robin said that when you're all in one spot it is easier to knock them all off. Howard said that France is going to miss their Jews when they leave. Robin said there is terrorism all over the world though.
Howard said that he wants to get back to BeerFest. Howard said that they have to get back to talking about pissing in the street. Howard played another interview Wolfie did with a guy who said he would be comfortable driving after drinking 10 beers. He also asked him to recite the pledge of allegiance. The guy made it about 1/3 of the way through and gave up saying he was too fucked up. Howard said this is what pisses him off. He said there are guys like that driving around. Richard said he doesn't do that. Howard asked how these things work where these guys can pay just 60 bucks and drink all they want. Richard said that they do it for promoting beers and it must work. Richard said he went to one in Denver and it's in a massive convention center. He said it was so big he wasn't able to do the whole thing in one day.
Howard played more interviews and guys were talking about driving home drunk and not being able to spell fermentation. Richard said there's a beer where they take a road kill squirrel and you drink a beer out of the squirrel. He said they're really expensive. Howard asked how you hold it. Richard said you hold the squirrel. Gary said that Richard and his wife shut down a place that was doing a promotion for mimosas. He said they were drinking so many that they shut down the promotion. Richard said they would bring big crowds of people and that didn't help. Howard said that must be why they say you have to change all your friends when you go to AA.
Howard got back to the squirrel beer and asked more questions about that. Richard said you can drink it right out of the squirrel. He said that he has held a bottle but didn't drink it. He said it's too expensive.
Howard asked Richard if he's ever had a bad beer. Richard said he has. He said even the bad ones give you a buzz though. Gary said they put all kinds of things in craft beers. He said they come up with the wackiest things to put in them. Gary said he's had chocolate beer. Richard said he's had donut beers.
Wolfie asked if he can even tell the difference after a certain point. Richard said you can't so that's why you start off with the really good ones at first. Howard said it would make him insane to be around that many alcoholics. He said that's just disgusting.
Gary said they went to Comic-Con last year and they found a brewery. He said that Richard was there drinking out of the tap. He had a picture so Howard told him to put it up on the web site. Howard told Richard to go back to making phony phone calls. Howard said he should talk to Tom Arnold about his drinking problem. He said his liver must look like a dish rag. Howard let Richard go and let Wolfie go too. Howard said that he almost called him Bobo. Robin said she thinks he actually did at one point. Howard said they're not that different.
Howard and Fred did their Richard voices and talked about elephant shit beer. Howard said he has so much to play today too. He said he has to do that after Tom Arnold.
Howard came back and said Tom Arnold is there. He said he's a comedian and actor. Howard said he has to see this guy. Howard said he lost over 100 pounds. Howard said he looks like he's really thin. Tom said his wife made him wear that sweater and he may be allergic to it. Howard said Tom lost the weight by reducing his calories. He's working out too. Tom said he does cardio too. He said that he does the recumbent bicycle and things like that. He said he doesn't eat gluten or sugar either. Howard asked what happens if he does eat that stuff. Tom said that it slows him down a bit when he orders in a restaurant. Tom said that wheat has changed since he was a kid. He said it just blows up in your middle. He said that's because of the changes they've made to the wheat.
Howard said Tom's wife gives him a list of things he can't talk about on the show. Tom said that she can't sleep the night before he goes on. Howard said he would love to get a hold of that list and talk about it all. Howard asked what is on the list. Tom said that she worries about other people and her family and things like that. Howard asked if sex is off the list. Tom said he never talks about that. Howard said maybe she's referring to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Tom said that could be it. Howard asked when Arnold calls him and talks to him about it. Tom said there are people who will call him and tell him what he said on the show. He said that last time he was on Arnold told him that he has made mistakes too and he gets excited when he gets on the air. Tom said Arnold likes Howard too.
Howard said it's great to be friends with Arnold and he talked about all of these guys standing around in their speedos and things. Tom said Arnold loves those stories. He said there are other things that he's not so happy about. He said he doesn't remember what they are though.
Tom said that Arnold has a Christmas party at his house and they had an elephant there that got loose. He said it started destroying his house. Tom said he was there after the damage was done. He said that it ruined some stuff in his living room. He said he has duplicates of it all. He said all of the art is him. Howard asked if he just laughs it off. Tom said he does.
Howard said he laughs because the thought of having an elephant at your house is so odd. He said that he's never seen anything like that at a party. Howard asked how many people can afford to do that. Tom said that's what he's saying. Howard asked if the paintings of Arnold are nudes. Tom said there are some.
Howard asked Tom about the elephant running around and what he did. Tom said he could hear things crashing. Howard said that they're elephants so he can just imagine the mayhem. Tom said there were like 100 people there at the fund raiser. He asked if it's illegal to have bald eagles at his house. Robin said it is. Tom said that Arnold ''did not'' have bald eagles at his house. He said that they smoke cigars there so the birds are terrified. Robin asked why he does these things if he knows the animals are freaked out. Howard said most people would say it's not worth it. Howard said Arnold just does it. Howard said it's exciting enough to go to Arnold's house without all of that. Tom said he's a showman. He said he's had camels there too. He said that it's a different theme every year.
Tom said one year he had a tiger at the house. He said it's like a 500 pound tiger with a tiny chain on it. He said that this was one of his Austrian buddies walking it around.
Howard said it's so weird to him. He said that these animals are predators and they want to eat people. He said that Arnold doesn't think about that. Tom said he'll just say ''Get him in the pool!'' He said the tiger might have been on medication of some sort. He said that people were getting in his face and it wasn't doing anything.
Howard said that most people wouldn't run for governor or fuck their maid either. Tom said that's true. He said he is inspired by Arnold.
Howard asked who else was at the party. Tom said that Sly was there. Howard said they are buddies now. Howard said years ago they weren't. Tom said that there's still a rivalry going on there.
Howard said Tom has done about 150 movies and only about 3 of them were good. Howard said Tom says that after ''True Lies'' he got offered a two picture deal with FOX. Howard said that's a big deal. Tom said they were going to do this year after year. He said he and his agent didn't want to be held to that. He said they didn't do the deal and now he kind of regrets that. Howard said he could have done more films in the supporting role but his agent wanted him to be the lead. Tom said that you don't know what's going to happen. He said that you have the opportunity to rebuild your career. He said that's why he's doing stand up now. Tom said that he doesn't have to worry about anything if he's doing stand up. Howard asked if the wife is okay with him going out and doing shows. Tom said she worries about him booking too much. Howard asked Tom if he fantasizes about drinking. Tom said he fantasizes about being fucked up.
Tom said he was in Vegas and filming a movie. He said he was working with Malin Akerman. He said she's so attractive. Howard said Tom said he could get her. Tom said he didn't say that, Dax Shepard said that. Howard said that Tom said that he would get hard working next to her. Tom said that Dax told him that Malin's ex-husband wasn't so hot so he checked him out and it's obvious that she doesn't go by looks.
Howard said Tom has been married 4 times now. He said it's time to stop. Tom said it is. Tom said he was out in Vegas and it's kind of soul sucking to be there. He said he went down and lost $1000 on the slots. Tom said he never got addicted to that though. He said he keeps track of the money and doesn't go over a certain amount.
Tom said he was eating a little bit worse in Vegas. He said he'd walk by the front of the place and there's an ambulance standing by in front of every casino there. He said that people just pass out in there all the time. Tom said that they don't advertise that but it happens. Tom said he spoke to this ambulance driver every day when he'd come out. He said one day they had a rave for Halloween. He said he asked the driver what they are on that makes it fun. Tom said she told him that they're on synthetic drugs. He said she told him that she'd make him a natural shake for him and he turned it down. Then a week later he had her make him one. Tom said he got his two shakes and chugged them. He said about 6 minutes later he realized they were drugged. He said he got on the elliptical machine and worked out for like 6 hours. Tom said that he figured that this was Ayahuasca or something. He said he was hallucinating. Howard said that Tom can't be around any drugs. Tom said that he can't. Tom said he lost track of time and he ended up getting two black eyes. He said he has no idea how he got them. He said he thinks he ran into a wall.
Tom said that this woman told him that this shake would relax him. He said that it didn't relax him at all. He said that he and Robin Williams did a diet when they had nothing but turkey and mustard. He said that they were taking this stuff called FenFen at the time and it turned out to be something they outlawed. Howard asked how he knew Robin. Tom said that they did a movie together.
Tom said he was getting ready to go into work and his wife was on Facetime with him. He said that he just told her that her brother and sister were there with him and he realized that he was hallucinating. He said his wife freaked out when she realized what was going on. Tom said that he had to go home and go to an addiction expert. He said the doctor told him to pee in a cup so he took the pee out of the toilet that was in there. He said that he didn't want his wife knowing what was in his pee. Tom said that the doctor knew and he told him to go back in and really pee in the cup. Tom said his wife heard about that and got even more upset.
Tom said he had a blood test done and he was freaking out about what they'd find. He said they found nothing. Tom said that there might have been so much Agave in there that it made it seem like there was speed in it. Tom said that he was so out of it he thought he was having brunch with his brother in law. Howard said Tom might just be fucked up. Tom said that this was no drug. He said that he was so nervous about what his wife thought that he just got into a tail spin.
Howard asked what was in the shake. Tom said that the ambulance driver told him that it was all natural. Tom said he should have asked more questions. Howard said it's crazy the doctor found nothing. Howard said the wife must not believe him.
Howard asked Tom if he has a new stand up act. Tom said it's evolving. Howard said he used to come out with a goldfish. Tom said that he did. He said he wanted to do something like Joel Hodgeson used to do. He said he didn't realize that you could just steal a whole act. Tom said he had the goldfish doing stunts and stuff. Howard said he read that he would forget the goldfish in his trunk and they'd freeze to death. Tom said he did. He said he doesn't do that anymore though. Tom said he has to be honest with people now. Howard asked where he appears. Tom said he does casinos and comedy clubs. He said you can find out on his web site.
Howard said Tom is in there to promote this show ''My Big Redneck Family'' and that's on CMT TV. Howard said that he's got a good gig with that. Tom said it is.
Howard said that Tom is talking to Roseanne. Howard gave Tom a bottle of water and they ended up talking about Howard's birthday bash last year. Tom said that show was so fun. He said it was a great event. Tom said that Jimmy Kimmel went out of his way to mention his name. Howard said he is awful at thanking people. Howard said he knows that feeling to get mentioned. He said that his wife wanted him to go up to him. Howard said that his wife is a good woman. Howard said he remembered to thank Tan Mom that night. He forgot about Tom.
Howard asked Tom what his wife tells him not to talk about. Tom said his wife is obsessed with the show. He said that she's right there listening to the radio now. Howard said that it must affect his performance. Tom said he gets over it.
Tom said his in laws came to their house and stayed for 6 months. He said they left the day that he went to Vegas. Tom said that it's not their fault of course. Howard said that Tom sounds like he's afraid of his wife. Tom said that her actions are very honorable but her words can be kind of rough. Tom said that he likes to have a huge fight every 3 months or so. He said that it's better to just let it all out at once. Howard asked how he lets it out. Tom said that she'll come and say something to him and that's what leads to that. Tom said that she'll say they ended to talk and say that this isn't working. He said that they get it all out and that's that. Howard asked if they stop talking for days. Tom said he wishes they could do that. Tom said it doesn't work like that. He said they get over it pretty quickly.
Howard asked Tom what's up with him and Roseanne. Tom said they're not really talking. He said he has heard from her since he was last there. He said he did the roast for Roseanne and that was good for him. Howard said that she calls him from time to time to ask about comedy things. Tom said that it started out with a tweet. He said he asked if anyone wanted his evil wedding videos. He said Roseanne wrote to him saying that how dare he offer those. He said it was a joke. He said that they went back and forth for a while until she said that his baby was beautiful. He said that reminded him of what their relationship was really like.
Tom said that Roseanne did ask him to look over a script she wrote. He said that it felt good looking over that. He said he made sure it was okay with his wife. Tom said he gave her some ideas and she told him that she already had those ideas. He said he didn't even want credit. He said that it made him laugh because it did remind him of their relationship again.
Howard asked what happened with the script. Tom said that he thinks they passed on it and then he had to tell Roseanne to calm down and not freak out on them. He said that's what she was doing. Howard said that Roseanne is on Last Comic Standing on NBC now. Tom said she is. He said that he heard John Goodman on the show and he thought that he had some interesting thoughts on their relationship and what went on with the TV show.
Howard said Tom has said a lot today. He said that he told the story about the elephant at Arnold's house. Tom said Arnold has a bunch of other statues and things of himself. He said he'll be fine. Tom said that he and Arnold will make fun of each other and then it leads to them fighting and saying some really mean things to one another. Tom said that's what friends do though.
Howard said that he wanted to ask Tom about washing his hands. Tom said he does wash his hands after going to the bathroom. Howard said Tom went to look at his face in the bathroom on a TV show and he didn't wash his hands. Tom said he just went in to look at his face. He said he didn't pee or poo. He said there were a bunch of people who said he didn't wash his hands. He said that he doesn't fart near his wife or anything like that. He said that he washes his hands all the time. He said that he got so upset about that. He said that he cleared that up after it happened. Tom said he's doing a show called ''Say it to my face'' and they take celebrities who have people who have said horrible things to them and they track them down and have them say it to their face. Howard said that sounds like fun. Tom said they haven't taped it yet. Tom said there was one guy who had a web site called ''Tom Arnold is the Devil'' and that really upset him. He said they tracked him down and had the site shut down. Then they found out that the guy had no friends before the web site. Tom said he got so upset that he told them to put the site back up.
Howard asked if this is an ambush kind of show. Tom said that they want to protect the celebrities. He said they have the producers go in first. He said they do kind of a punk'd thing that's kind of real. Howard said that sounds like fun. He asked if they have anyone lined up yet. Tom said he thinks they have Nicki Minaj lined up. Steve Michaels is doing the show with them too. Tom said they don't want anyone to get upset. Tom said that men can be really mean to women on the internet. Howard said that people will attack his wife all the time. He said one guy said he wanted to ''cunt punt'' her. Howard said his wife didn't know what that was and it freaked her out. Howard said this is crazy stuff. He said he can't wait to see the show. Tom said they'll do it with Howard and the guys.
Tom said that he knows Howard told him not to do the Bear Grylls show. He said it was frightening. He said that he had to sign a release that said if he dies no one cares. He said he did rappelling and things like that. He said he likes Bear and he did the show. He said they had Zac Efron on the show the week after him. He said that they let Zac jump out of a helicopter by himself but his foot got caught in the parachute and Bear had to jump out and save him. Tom said that NBC won't show that kind of footage. Howard said they should.
Howard asked Tom if he set up a scholarship at his college. Tom said he did. He said it's a community college. Howard said the student has to write a letter to him and he has to grade it. Tom said that is true. He said for him it is pretty terrible. Tom said that he gives 2 full rides every year. Howard said that's a nice thing to do.
Tom said that he is the one who comes up with the subject matter for the papers the people have to write. He said that he has to picture the people and pick from about 100 submissions. He said some of the papers can be really sad.
Howard gave Tom some plugs for ''My Big Redneck Family'' which is on Saturday night on CMT. Howard said you can get his comedy dates at TomArnoldComedy.com. Tom told Howard that he has to work on the site but go there anyway. He said that his wife is his assistant and it's hard to work with her like that. Tom said most assistants won't say ''fuck you'' when you ask them to do something.
Tom said that he and his wife have a nanny that comes in to help. Howard said he should get Malin Akerman to be their nanny. Tom said that he shouldn't talk about her but he thinks she's such an amazing woman. He said that she had this baby and the husband bailed on her 4 months into that whole thing. He said that she's not only taking care of the kid by herself but also paying the guy alimony.
Howard said that they heard a little bit about everything from Tom today. Howard was starting to wrap up but Tom said that he had a story about Chris Farley. He said that he went to make amends with his school friends. He said that Chris saw a dog take a shit in the front yard and Chris went into the house, took his clothes off and did the same thing that the dog did. Howard said that he never got to meet Chris Farley. He said that he and David Spade were just talking about him on the phone yesterday. Howard said that he had pressure on him to be funny all the time. Howard said the guy was so brilliant. Tom said that he was his best man at his second wedding. Howard said he didn't know he was that close. Tom said that Spade was closer. Tom said that Chris tried to clean up but he wasn't able to. He said that he fell back into that whole thing. Tom said that Chris was a very talented guy. He said he was great. Howard said it's amazing that it's been 17 years since he died. Howard said time really flies by. Tom said they knew it was going to happen but it's still shocking. He said you think the guy is immortal. Howard said he was too young. Howard said Robin Williams too. Tom said he was a guy who would help anyone. Howard said some people say it was his medication. Tom said that you don't know what was going on in his head. He said he thinks that people really tried to help him. He said when it's in your head you can't work your way out of it. Tom said he's been pretty low himself. Howard asked if he ever got to that point where he thought about killing himself. Tom said he did think about what he had to offer. Tom said he would think about how he'd kill himself that would involve drugs. He said you're only going to do it once so you might as well be high. Howard said he should get that ambulance driver to help him out.
Howard gave Tom some more plugs and wrapped up the interview. Howard went to break a short time later.
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Howard said yesterday was his birthday and he mentioned that enough. Howard said he thinks it's interesting how the news stations handle this whole thing with his birthday. Robin showed up late so Howard asked what was going on there. Robin said she was asking JD to pull something and she hurt her ankle on the way back. Robin said she odes that all the time and she'll be fine.
Howard said he was saying that these news programs give birthday announcements and when they get to his name they stop everything and have a conversation about him. Howard said it's fucking unbelievable. Howard said some of it is downright insulting. Howard played a clip of someone saying that he's a judge on The Voice. The guy said that you either love him or hate him too. Howard said that's an NBC channel in Michigan. Howard said they don't even watch their own channel.
Howard said journalists are getting so lazy lately. He said he was reading an article about the movie Selma and the guy says it didn't portray LBJ in the way he would have liked. Then he says that he hasn't even seen the movie yet. Howard said that it would take the guy 2 hours to watch the movie.
Howard played another clip of a news anchor reading the birthdays for the day. Howard said that at one point they get to his age and they guess at how old he is. Howard played that clip and they were guessing that he was 62 or 63 years old. The woman said that she had just ''Price is Righted'' the other guy. Howard said they both went over so she wouldn't have won.
Robin asked Howard if his middle name is spelled with two Ls or one. Howard said he's not sure. Howard said that he used to think that his mom's name was spelled Rae but it's actually spelled Ray. He said that people would think that was his dad's name. He said someone would come to the door asking if his dad Ray was home. Howard said that they know it's Ben and Ray so it has to be a woman.
Howard played a clip of a news anchor reading names that Sal and Richard had sent into the show for birthday wishes. Howard said he still laughs at that stuff.
Howard said he got a shout out on WWE for his birthday. He said there were two women beating the shit out of each other and they mention his name. Howard played that clip too. They slipped it in while the chicks were wrestling.
Howard said this announcement is true too. Howard played that and the news anchor mentioned that on that day, January 9th, that it was the anniversary of Howard's start on Sirius. Howard said that they're almost up to 10 years there. Howard said that it was 1/9/06. Howard said he's only up to 9 now. Robin said next year will be 10. Howard said he can't do math. He said it's too tough.
Howard said that he's tired today. Robin asked if he had anything to drink last night. Howard said he had one glass of wine. He said that you don't even get buzzed off of that. Howard said he doesn't want Beth to drink alone. Howard said everything gets fucked up with him. He said that he used to drink 3 nights a week but the doctor told him that he had to cut back to one drink a week. He said there was something going on with his liver. He said that he was king of aggravated that he wasn't able to drink for a month before being tested again. He said the doctor told him that his liver is sensitive so he told him to cut back. Howard said it's weird. Howard said that even that got ruined. Howard said last night he was thinking that even peeing got ruined. He has to wrap his penis with toilet paper after he pees. He said he has tissues in his underwear all the time. He said the doctor told him to squeeze his taint to get it all out but that doesn't work. He said he was told it would get rid of the dribble. It didn't work. Howard said now his fingers smell like taint. He said he has that doody smell. Howard said he takes two big tissues and shoves them in his underpants now. Howard said his dick looks like a mummy.
Howard said he had sex last night and it's important for them to have sex on his birthday. Howard said that they almost didn't. Howard said he was going to go to bed but then they saw the importance of it. Howard said that any time she'll make love to him he's pleased. Howard said after he has sex he wants to pee. He said that stops the jizz from coming out. Howard said that will get all over his underpants. Howard said he has to go pee after. Howard said he was standing there to pee because he has a urinal in the house. Howard said no pee comes out. He said he's pressuring himself to pee and he can't. He said he'd rather do that than have cum in his underpants.
Robin asked if he used a condom. Howard said he did. He said he flushed the condom. He said even that's not easy with these new toilets. Howard said he's trying to flush a rubber balloon down the toilet. Howard said you have to use these green toilets that don't flush. Howard said he made doody yesterday and he had to flush 2 or 3 times before it went down. Robin said she was in a friend's house that had old tanks that have water in them. Robin said it was amazing to see it flush. Howard said he makes a doody and the toilet is covered in doody stains. He said that he has to clean the toilet with the tissues because there is no water in the toilet. Howard said he misses his old toilet so much.
Howard said he flushed his condom down and then he has to pee. He said that he can't pee. Robin said that he's not getting a full ejaculation. Howard said you do but it still comes out when you're done. He said it comes out for a while. Fred confirmed. Howard said that Fred has a foreskin so it collects in there. Fred said it's like cleaning out a musket. Howard said he doesn't want to think about Fred doing that.
Howard said that he was waiting to pee and he figured he could get into bed and watch some The Bachelor and then go pee again. Howard said he did that and still wasn't able to pee. Howard said he tried again later and then it worked. He said that he figured pee was going to start dripping out. He said he had to wrap his penis in more tissues. Howard said nothing seems easy in life. Howard said when he has to take a dump he thinks about holding it in as long as he can. He said it's too much aggravation. He said Beth should reach into his underpants to get a tissue when she needs to blow her nose. Howard said that he had to take a break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Beth did anything special for him last night. Howard said he just described every detail of what they did last night. He said it was a night of love making and The Bachelor.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he and his wife had a real shitty Christmas. Howard said maybe he should hire that guy Pat to be his life coach. The caller, Vince, said that they weren't able to give gifts to each other for Christmas. Howard said he's the perfect person to play The Beetlejuice or Kanye West Quote Game. Howard said that he has $500 cash and a Panasonic shaver to give to him if he wins.
Howard said that he's going to do a practice round first. Howard said he's going to read a quote and you have to guess if it was Beetlejuice or Kanye who said this. The quote was ''I'm all about myself, that's all I'm thinking about is myself.'' Robin guessed it was Kanye. Howard said that she's wrong. Howard played the clip of Beet saying it to Robin.
Howard said they'll do 3 out of 5. Howard said the next one was ''I got 3 headed balls.'' Vince said he'll say that's Kanye. Howard played the clip and it was Beetlejuice.
Howard said the next quote is ''Don't call and tell me what I should do. I'm my own man.'' Vince guessed it was Beetlejuice. Howard played the clip and it was Kanye West.
Howard said the next quote is ''I'm my favorite rapper.'' Vince guessed it was Kanye. Then he thought about it and switched to Beet. Howard played the clip and it was Kanye. That means Vince lost. Howard said that he had to get all three right but he missed that one. Howard said that's a shame. Howard thanked him for playing. Vince said that his cat became paralyzed on Christmas too. He said he had to put him to sleep. He said he was about 11 years old. Howard said he is so proud of what Beth is doing with the cats. He said they just took in 5 new kittens. Howard said Beth has pictures up on her Instagram. Howard said they just took in Harvey and he's so cute. Howard said he's only 5 weeks old. Howard said he was so shy. He said he's a little bit grey and dark grey. He said he's so cute. Howard said he's beautiful and he'll be adopted. He said they have a bunch of applications already. Howard said he was left on someone's lawn. He said that no one knows what his story is.
Vince asked if he could have one more shot at the $500. Howard said he'll give him one final chance even though he says he's not doing that anymore. Howard said no one else gives second chances. Howard said Vince can't do this to him. Vince said he does appreciate it. Howard said the quote was ''If I was dead I'm probably Jesus.'' Vince guessed it was Beetlejuice. Howard said if he gets this wrong he loses. Howard played the clip and it was Beetlejuice. Howard said Vince won the $500 and the Panasonic shaver.
Howard said that Bill Cosby did another comedy show and people were yelling stuff out at the show. Howard said that Cosby is like a heckler whisperer and he was telling the people to just quiet down. There were people yelling that they believe the women. They were blowing rape whistles too. Cosby is telling them to stop it. Howard said you almost feel bad for him unless he actually did what these women are accusing him of. Howard said that it's just weird. Howard asked Robin what she thinks about disrupting a show like that. Howard said if he did what they say then he shouldn't be free. Robin said if you believe the women then maybe you should act. Robin said she doesn't know.
Howard played another clip of a guy calling Cosby an arrogant piece of shit. Cosby tells him to stop and calm down. The guy keeps calling him names. Cosby just keeps saying stop. Howard said that's an interesting way to deal with it. Howard said eventually they get the guy out of there.
Howard said Ronnie went and heckled him. He played a bit the guys created using Ronnie clips yelling at Cosby. They had Cosby telling him to calm down and have patience.
Howard said he can see Ronnie going to a Cosby show. Howard said he just imagines that he'd like him. He said he just has that feeling. Howard said he was never into Cosby himself. He said he's talked about that a million times.
Howard took a call from a woman who said asked if it concerns him that Ronnie said he has a hard time reading because he is his limo driver. Howard said that is kind of concerning. The caller said that his life is in danger every day. Ronnie came in and said that all he said is that he couldn't read it good so he had to take his glasses off to see it. Ronnie said he can see. He called the woman an idiot. She said she's proving a point. Howard said she is. She said she's worried about Howard. Howard said he has to get Ronnie a driving test. Howard said they have to give him one of those psych tests.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk. Jeff said Tom Arnold was very good. Robin asked if this is Jeff the Bore. Howard said it is and played a theme song for Jeff the Bore.
Howard said he wants to pick up on Bobo just to play all of his songs. He played a theme for Bobo the worst caller ever. Howard said that was Little Mikey. Howard asked Bobo what he had on his mind. Bobo said it was Howard's birthday but also his anniversary coming up. He said that he broke into the hospital as his brother. Howard said he doesn't want to be reminded that he did that. He said that's so creepy. Howard said Bobo is making this all about himself so he is a bad caller. Bobo said that's not true. Howard played him another song parody. They went to break after that. As they went to break they played a prank call a guy made to a news program after Michael Jackson died.
Howard got Bobo on the phone and said that he did pose as his brother at the hospital. Gary said Bobo is on the line. Howard picked up on him and asked if he has gone around telling people he's moving to Geneva, Florida. Bobo said he's not doing that. Bobo said he doesn't discuss what Howard does. He said that's his business. Robin said that Bobo doesn't know what Howard does.
The caller asked if Bobo went to this Trunk or Treat thing. Bobo said he did but he was with his family. He said he did that for his 8 year old kid. The caller said it was Bobo then. Howard said it sounds like he did something like that. Bobo said what he does on the air is different than what he does off the air. He said he doesn't do that stuff when he's not on the air. The caller wanted to say something but Gary wanted to say something. The caller kept talking over everyone. Howard just said goodbye to her.
Gary asked if there's a soul that doesn't believe that Bobo doesn't talk about Howard off the air. Howard let Bobo and Cynthia go after that.
Howard said people can't stand Mariann from Brooklyn. Howard had her on the phone. Howard read some mail he got from some fans about how annoying she is. Howard said people really don't like her on the air. Howard said that she's not doing well in the email. Mariann said she brought up David Letterman yesterday so it wasn't all about the Wack Pack.
Mariann asked Howard what this guest judge thing is on AGT. Howard said that they suggested it when he said he has to do his radio show. Howard said they knew this going in and he can't tape for 2 weeks in Los Angeles. Howard said he thought it was a great solution. Howard thanked Mariann for calling.
Howard read some feedback about Kirstie Alley and Benjy's weight loss. Howard said that Tommy from Malden took a big hit. He said that Natalie Maines is upset with Tommy and he can't even remember why. Robin said it was something about free speech. Howard said it was political correctness. Howard read some mail about Tommy and how horrible he is as a caller. Howard said that some people wrote in about how brilliant Joan Rivers was. Howard said that he got some nice birthday wishes too. Howard said that someone wrote in about the movie Boyhood and agreed with Robin that it's just not good.
Howard said there's a guy who sent in a clip from McDonald's where a customer is yelling at an employee. Howard played the clip and the guy is screaming about how his burger was put together. He was calling the employee names and saying he wanted to get that person fired. He cursed her out while other guys were laughing.
Howard said that sure sounds like his old school in Roosevelt. Howard said that was his entire childhood, ruined. He said that he had that going on all day long in school. Howard said that after school job at McDonald's is looking worse.
Howard asked Robin what she had in the news. Robin read about Teresa Giudice going to prison and listening to Howard Stern on her way there. Howard said he read that too. They had a discussion about the correct pronunciation of the name. Howard said she's a fan of the show and she's going to jail for 10 months. Howard said it's nice she was listening to the show. Howard said he hopes JD's muttering cheered her up. That led to them playing a Daniel Mendelson song parody about JD.
Robin read that David Lee Roth was performing with the Foo Fighters over the weekend. Howard said that's what he should be doing. Robin had some audio from the show. Howard said that's not good at all after hearing it. Howard said it's the bad audio quality. Howard had a clip of Robin having sex with David that the guys created. Howard also replayed the Whitney Houston Story bit they played earlier.
Robin read more about David Lee Roth who had no hair at the Foo Fighters show. Robin said he was wearing a hat and had no long hair. Howard said he had something going on there. Howard said you have to just go with it if you lose your hair. Howard asked what his story is. Howard said you never read about who he's with or anything. Gary said he talks to his guy once in a while and he spends a lot of time in Japan. Howard said he knew he was doing stuff over there. He said he got very much into Japanese culture. Howard said he wanted him on the show but Dave didn't want to come on. Howard said he was respectful of his radio show but there's something going on there. Gary said that the offer is out there if he wants to come in. Howard said he'd like to have a real conversation with him to find out what he's doing. Howard said he is hard to get a straight answer out of though. He said he just wants to talk to the guy. He likes the guy. He said he likes David and he likes Sammy. He said he liked that they wanted to go out on tour together. Robin said that didn't work out very well. Howard said it didn't. He said Van Halen kicked Michael Anthony out of the band. Howard said Eddie's son should go out and get in his own band. He said he's sure that they're fine performing. He said they should just separate after the performance so they don't fight. Howard said it's just so weird. Robin said she read that Alex Van Halen got out of his marriage and his wife is going around using the Van Halen name starting businesses.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to sing Happy Birthday to him. Howard said he'll hang up on him if he does. The caller, Rich, brought up the gowns that the women were wearing at the Golden Globes. Howard said that he doesn't dig those things. Howard said that they're so much better looking in regular clothes. Howard said he thinks that Kate Hudson is gorgeous. He said she pulls her hair back and she has big ears. He said she doesn't have to pull her hair back for that gown. Howard said that gown was actually nice. He said that she must have gotten a titty job too. Howard said J-Lo is a beautiful girl too but he doesn't care about her. Howard said he isn't turned on by her at all. He said she could be naked and he wouldn't care about her.
Rich said that Sienna Miller and Ruth Wilson had the worst gowns. Howard agreed about Ruth Wilson but not Sienna Miller. Howard said that Ruth looked like a lumberjack in her gown. Howard said it was really bad. Robin and Howard talked about some other dresses they saw.
Robin read a story about some lawmakers trying to make the bible the state book in Mississippi. Robin said that they want people to read it and be inspired to treat people with dignity. Howard said that people get fired up when they read that shit. He said we should keep it away from people.
Robin read a story about how Martin Luther King Jr.'s kids fighting over the ownership of their father's bible.
Robin read a story about the Beatles coming to Pono. Robin asked if Howard is on the Pono bandwagon. Howard said sure. He said he loves Neil but he doesn't care so much. Robin said that they say that Neil and his company have agreed to put their music on the loss less music service. Howard said he might have to get it if it sounds as good as they say. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Paul McCartney and Kanye West's song hitting the charts. Howard said he likes the song. He played some of it. Howard said he knows some people are upset about Paul working with him like it's some kind of broken rule.
Robin read a story about how some people claim they saw Leonardo DiCaprio and Rihanna getting hot and heavy at the Playboy Mansion recently.
Robin also talked about how Jack Nicholson is saying that he's very lonely and single right now. Robin said women don't trust him and he's also said that Angelica Houston was the love of his life even though he cheated on her regularly. Robin said he says he made big mistakes with all of that.
Howard took a call from Tommy from Malden who asked if Wolfie gets paid to do his thing. Howard said he thinks he does. Gary said he does. Tommy said Elephant Boy helps Jon Leiberman with his show and all he gets is bus fare. Howard said that it's very complicated. Tommy said he's just trying to help the guy out. Howard said some people call in and like to be on a show. He said he's not sure of the rhyme or reason. Howard said Wolfie comes up with ideas and they help him out.
Robin read about Charlie Hebdo and how the new issue is about to be released. Robin said they have a Muslim on the cover. Robin said they have a picture of Muhammad on the cover once again. Robin said that they are upping the number of magazines they are printing and they are printing it in different languages. Robin said they will print 3 million instead of 50,000. Howard asked if you can believe that people were killed over a cartoon. He said it must work because no one will print the cover. Howard said they have struck fear into everyone. Howard said they won. Howard said everything bugs them and no one has a sense of humor.
Robin read about how the Obama administration is admitting they should have sent someone to France for the solidarity march. Howard said that they have to get over that. Howard said we don't need to apologize. Howard said that he'd get on the phone and tell them that he's trying to think of ways to stop it from happening here. Robin said they are looking for more people associated with the people who were involved.
Robin said they say about 1000 Americans go over to be trained by terrorists. Howard said that's what he was talking about yesterday. Robin said they can lay dormant for years before they're asked to act. Howard said they have to take all of them and send them back to the countries they learned terrorism in. Howard said if you train with Al Queda then you're out. He said this is insanity. Robin asked Howard how they can do this when people are allowed to travel. Howard said if they go to Yemen then they don't come back. Howard asked why we can't do the simplest things like that.
Robin read a story about how ISIS is targeting the U.S., Canada and Australia with attacks. Robin had some audio of someone speaking about that.
Robin read a story about the Pope being in Sri Lanka. Robin had some audio of an interpreter explaining what the Pope was saying.
Robin read about how John Kerry is saying that Pakistan has to come out against these extremists. Robin had some audio of Kerry speaking. Howard said that the extremists keep getting away with everything. He said that's what he sees on Homeland. Robin said it's very upsetting. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about an NFL player who fell off his fishing boat and had to swim for 16 hours to get back to shore. Robin said he did it and made it. Robin said he says after 5 hours he knew he was going to make it. Robin said he had to swim for 9 miles. He just headed for the sun. Howard said he wouldn't know to do that. He said it sets in the west so if he's going west then how does that help him. Robin said that in 16 hours the sun moves. Robin said he says he was bitten by a lot of things. He was even circled by a shark. Robin said he spent a couple of days in the hospital and treated for dehydration. Howard said he played for the Dolphins. Howard said that's funny. He said that's pretty awesome actually.
Robin read a story about a school principal who won the lottery in New York. Robin said that he won $326 million. Robin said the man is 80 years old. Howard said that sucks. He said you win that kind of money at 80. Robin said he lived on a teacher's salary all his life.
Robin said Donald Trump is making those noises again about running for president. Howard said there is no way he's running. He said he has such a great life. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about going around the country to figure out if he should run.
Robin read a story about the clinic where Joan Rivers died getting its accreditation taken away from it. Robin said they won't be getting any funding from the government. Benjy thought that Robin had said just the opposite yesterday. Robin said she didn't even talk about it yesterday. Benjy said maybe it was another show.
Robin read about how Charlize Theron went back in to renegotiate her contract after she heard about what Sony was paying their actors. Robin said now she's getting more money.
Robin said Katy Perry is getting ready for the Super Bowl half time show. Robin said that about 115 million people will be watching her live. Katy was asked if that makes her nervous. Robin had some audio of her saying that of course she's nervous. Howard said she did their show years ago and she never came back. Robin said she got too big.
Robin and Howard spent a minute talking about the Super Bowl. Gary had to chime in to tell them who is in the game. Howard said that he hasn't suffered a bit not knowing. He said that he doesn't really follow it that closely. Howard said that there's one guy who just says thank you in interviews. Gary said that's Marshawn Lynch. Howard had some audio of him saying ''Yeah.'' or ''Because I'm thankful.'' and that's it. He won't say anything else. Robin asked why they ask him questions. Howard said because it's funny. Howard said he's going to try that at the AGT press events. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Jon said she sounded kind of controlling in that relationship. Jon said you wonder why the boyfriend would keep coming back. Jon said Howard is good at getting inside all of that. He said he's all for coming up with new ideas. He said that there are lots of things you can try to do to keep them from cheating. Jon said if a guy wants to cheat he's going to do it. He said that he gives her credit for trying but he can get around that. Jon said you have to figure that he's figured out a way to cheat if he wants to. Jon said everyone wants their significant other not to cheat. Jon said you want them to be yours but if you tighten that noose too tight then you're going to lose what you want. Jon said that you either come clean and end it or you cover it up. Jon said she's writing a book about that and he wonders if that works.
Jon said that Howard also said he doesn't have enough to sign if Beth wanted to do that. He said he thought the call went well. Jon said then Richard came in and talked about BeerFest. He said that he continues to prove that he's a functioning alcoholic. Jon played a clip of Richard talking about drinking breakfast beer.
Jon took a call from a guy who said this is off subject but he wanted to talk about the Beet and Kanye game. He said that he thinks that he's had it up to here with callers getting the chance to win and when they don't they keep trying to get a second chance. He asked if he's alone with that. Jon said he's not alone at all. Jon said that Howard has a heart of gold when it comes to that. He said he likes to give an additional shot. Jon said that a lot of them there want him to hang up but Howard feels sympathetic and lets them keep playing. He said he's with the caller about the rules being the rules. Jon said you play the game and if you lose you lose and if you win then you enjoy your prize.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that lady is insane. He said if that guy goes out and has sex without using his penis, is that cheating? Jon said of course it is.
Jon said they have a poll up on HowardStern.com for today's show. He said he had to take a break after that.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that the woman obviously has a lot of trust issues. He said there are ways around it. He said it also says that she must be the sweetest piece of ass on earth if he's agreeing to it. Jon said he had a similar thought. He said that he is coming back for more and you wonder why that is. Jon said that it has to be that she must be fantastic in bed or she's great looking. He said maybe he gets confidence that he needs from her.
Jon took a call from a guy who said this thing speaks on so many levels. He said you can't be in a relationship without trust. He said that if you can't trust him then how can the relationship be successful. The caller asked Jon if he could deal with that. Jon said of course he couldn't. Jon said that there are trust issues there with Jean. Jon said that every relationship is different. He said there are people who swing and others who are monogamous. Jon said it sounds like that's what she wants and the guy is willing to get his dick signed for that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wants to talk about these guys who call in and won't quit from the games. He said he has a solution where Howard should just hang up at the end of the game. Jon said that sometimes Howard does the games differently and it can't be that absolute. He said that he thinks if Howard sets it up as best of 5 and you don't get it then you lose. He said he knows the audience gets upset about the people who don't just hang up. He said Howard makes the rules there. He said you can hear him struggle with it too.
Jon let that guy go and took another call. The caller said one thing that was odd about Jean is that she said she's not insecure. She said she's in shape and all of that but how can a secure woman have to write her name on her man's penis. Jon said it sounds like she's secure with her looks and sexual appeal but she must not be secure in that relationship. Jon said it works for her but it may not work for others.
Jon said they still have the poll up on HowardStern.com for Ronnie driving Howard even though he can't read. Jon had Jon Leiberman in to run down his news headlines. Leiberman ran down the headlines and got in a plug for Leiberman Live. They went to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to say he's not sure why Howard gives Richard shit about how much beer he drinks. Jon said Howard is concerned about his long term health. He said it's not about his work ethic or anything. He said that he will be hurt in the long run. Jon said he eats crappy food and it will catch up with him eventually too. Jon said that it's one thing if Howard is telling him to cut it off but he's not going down that route. Jon said he thinks that Richard will be okay.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he is a brewer in Colorado. He said that he has a story about the bulls balls beer that Richard was talking about. Jon asked if most people are under control or out of control. The caller said that the brew conventions are like Star Trek conventions with beer. He said you will always geek out about beer and it really has nothing to do with getting drunk. He said it's all about tasting beer. The caller said that he thinks Howard wants to shame Richard. The caller said Richard is healthy and he gets his check ups. He said he thinks that Howard is jealous that they can live their lives and do that kind of thing.
Jon said he is on his side with Richard being fully functioning. He said that he doesn't think he wants to stop drinking.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that it's interesting with Richard because it's different than when Jackie was on. He said you get to hear Howard more in a joking way. He said that Richard talks in that slow way and Jackie was more joking about it. He said it wasn't so serious with Jackie. Jon said he thinks with Jackie and Richard it's two different Howard's too. He said that he has changed his views on things over the years. He said he thinks that he'd be worried about Jackie's health as well.
Gary came in so Jon asked Gary what he thinks about that. Gary said that Jackie was older and set in his ways. He said there was no way to change Jackie. He said that maybe Richard is past that point too. Gary said the first time he met Richard is at a BeerFest in Florida. He said that was one of the worst appearances he ever made. Richard said he has pictures from that event and Richard was up his ass there.
Gary said that he's going to a BeerFest with some friends soon. He said people are telling him that he's nuts to go. He said that you pay 60 bucks and you get to have as much as you want. He said Jackie would say he's going to pay 60 and get 90 bucks worth.
Jon asked Gary what he was trying to say about Bobo after the caller accused him of telling stories. Gary said he finds it hard to believe that Bobo stops talking about the show off the air. Gary said he thinks that Bobo might think about the show more than he does himself. Jon said he is always thinking about the show. He said that he has proven it over the years. Jon said that if you're a Stern Fan then you will ask Bobo to take a picture with you and he'll do it.
Gary said that Bobo isn't that bright and he thinks that he proved that by telling Howard that it's the anniversary of him telling Howard that it's the anniversary of the day he pretended to be his brother to get into the hospital.
Jon asked how good Tom Arnold was today. Gary said it was great. He said that Tom has a great energy and he loves him as a guest.
Jon said he had the poll results in. He said 66 percent said that he should not be driving Howard. Gary said he thinks Ronnie would like to get out of the driver seat anyway so he might be happy about that. Jon wrapped up the show and got in a plug for today's Sternthology. They ended the show around 11:45am.
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Howard started the show talking about how Gwyneth Paltrow will be coming in today. Howard said that Robin also broke her foot. Robin said it's a small break. She said that the tendons were pulled extremely. Howard said that's so upsetting. Howard said she twisted it yesterday at work. Howard said he wrote to her last night and he knew she wouldn't read it. Robin said she was in a lot of pain yesterday so she wasn't checking. Howard said he knows she won't see it on a normal day either. Howard said he looks at his email just as much as his texts. Robin said she's more about her texts. She said she has a lot of junk in her email.
Howard asked if she's on crutches. Robin said it's much better today. Howard asked how her breasts are. Robin said they're fine because she didn't go down. Howard played a song parody about Robin's boobs after that. That was a new one from Eli Braden. Howard played a song from Robin too.
Robin asked if Howard saw Girls this week. Howard said he did. He said he thought it was great. He said he likes that she's going to Iowa. He said he's looking forward to the season. Robin asked about the sex scene with Allison Williams. Howard said he rewound it 3 times. He said he thought it was fabulous. He said it was fun as hell and sexy as hell. He said you don't see her whole body but you do see that great ass. Howard said they finally did some ass eating on a TV show. Howard said Lena Dunham thinks like a dude sometimes. Howard said that he's never eaten a woman's ass. He said that he's afraid something evil will get inside of him.
Howard said his wife was at the premier of Girls and he heard that Brian Williams was there. He's Allison's father. He said that must be hard to stomach. Howard said he's not uptight himself but that would be a tough thing to handle. Howard said he thought that first episode was very strong.
Howard said that he heard about this stuff when he was growing up and the story was that it would get a woman in the mood. Howard said he heard about it and he had the opposite reaction to it. Howard asked who would want to be with a woman who has been drugged and doesn't care about you. Howard said it sounds repulsive to him. Howard said he's sure most guys would have that reaction. Howard said that's not sexy. He said the thought of a woman being unconscious is disturbing. Howard said he's not even into a guy paying for a prostitute. Howard said the woman isn't into you. He said he doesn't like having to pay for it. Howard said he could jerk off and be done with it.
Benjy said you are intrigued by it though. Howard said that there's a story about Prince Andrew having an underage girl. Howard said if you just jerk off you can get past it. Howard said you have to masturbate those weird feelings away. Howard said if you have that going on then jerk off immediately. Howard said it will go away. Howard said either that or cut your dick off. Howard said it speaks volumes hearing that clip of Cosby. Howard said that guy is something else.
Howard said someone wrote him an email yesterday about Cosby. Howard said he thought what Judd Apatow had to say was interesting. Howard played some of the audio from Marc Maron's WTF podcast. He was telling Marc that he'd like to see him in jail. He also wants them to look into the alibi he had for these dates that the women have. Judd said that they aren't looking into the time line but Cosby claims that he wasn't there. Robin said that they could look into it. She said it would go a long way to exonerating him if he actually wasn't there when they say he was.
Howard played more of the audio of Apatow talking about how this keeps women from coming forward if they don't look into this. Apatow said it's dead silent out there and he finds it very troubling. Robin said she knows that Rosie O'Donnell has come out saying she believes the women. Howard said that's true.
Howard said that people are asking if Ronnie the Limo Driver can see or not. Howard said they have the eye chart for him to check. Howard had Ronnie come in and had him stand a certain distance from him. Ronnie said he just had an eye exam. He said he's fine. Ronnie read it and it spelled out ''I L O V E C O C K''. Ronnie asked what's wrong with him. Howard asked if he really means that. Ronnie said sure he does. Howard asked what it says. Ronnie said it spells I Love Cock.
Howard said that he can't believe he just said he loves cocks. Ronnie said he loves it just like Robin. Howard said he couldn't wait to give him that test. Howard asked Robin if she knew he was spelling that out. Robin said she did. Howard said he loves that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he saw Jimmy Kimmel on the Eric Andre show. Howard said he did and it was one of the funniest he's seen. He said he loves Eric and loves Jimmy. He said it was very funny. The caller said the show is so much fun. Howard said they do some really funny stuff on that show. He said in one segment this woman runs into a restaurant and throws her feces against the wall. He said he loves Eric smashing the set of his show too. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard said he can't wait for Gwyneth Paltrow to come in. He said he has a ton of questions for her. Howard said that he will wear her down today. He said he used to jerk off to her mother. He can't wait to tell her that.
Howard said that dead Casey Kasem is still counting down so he played the top 5 song parodies from the show. In the clip Casey counted down the songs that included songs from Sal, Richard, Daniel Mendelson, The Bleeding Deacons and at number 1 Frank L. They went to break after that.
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Howard said that Gary suggested he play Cat Stevens singing ''Long and Winding Road.'' Robin said she hates Cat Stevens' music. Robin said she doesn't hate Cat himself but she hates his music.
Howard said that Billy Joel does ''Baby I'm Amazed.'' Howard found the Cat Stevens song. He said it's been a long time since he even used a CD player. Robin said she doesn't think the song is good and it was only 4 seconds in. Howard said Robin didn't like it. Howard said what he likes is Robin singing Whitney Houston. He played some of her doing that.
Howard said they took that song and autotuned it. Howard said it actually sounded good. Howard played that and even that didn't sound good. Howard said even Autotune freaked out. Howard played some of Robin singing another Houston song and it wasn't too bad after going through Autotune. Howard said he'd buy that. Howard said Robin has no idea how happy that makes him.
Howard said that Beetlejuice did a McCartney song. He played some of Beet singing. Howard said Willie Nelson sang ''Yesterday.'' Howard said that must be good. Gary said it's the 7th or 8th track. Howard said it's actually 9 on the first CD. Howard played a bit of that. Howard said this actually isn't a very good gift.
Howard played a Paul Rogers cover of a McCartney song. Howard said he likes Paul Rogers. Robin said cover songs aren't easy. Howard said she's right about that. Howard said Paul Rogers is a good singer. Howard said Willie Nelson is too. Howard said all of these guys are good. Howard said he really likes the Paul Rogers cover of ''Let Me Roll It.''
Gary said that Bob Dylan can barely talk these days. He said he has to play his song. Howard said he wants to play the Perry Farrell song but it's on the other CD. Howard asked what track Dylan is. Gary told him it was 2. Howard played that too. Howard said that's some birthday gift. He said Gary gave him a CD of songs he loved that are ruined.
Howard asked what song Alice Cooper does. Gary said he had to find it. He said it's a cover of Eleanor Rigby. Howard looked for it but the CD player bombed out on him. Howard said he has shit equipment. Howard said it doesn't show track numbers. Howard said Scott can leave because he's done now. Howard said Scott can't fix it. Scott looked at it anyway.
Howard said that it was playing and now it stopped. Howard said Scott can stare at it some more. Howard asked how long he's going to do that. Howard said he's done. He said Scott isn't going to fix it now. He's doing a radio show and this is what's going on. Howard said this is hysterical. He said he has 2 CD players but they're not working. Scott said that he's waiting for the other one to load. Howard told Scott to give up. He wouldn't leave. Howard said he wants to hang himself. Scott told him to go ahead. Howard said he'd like to see what Scott is going to do if he does that. Howard said it's unbelievable what Scott is doing.
Howard said Maria Menounos did Abbey Road. He played that and it was Maria's laugh over the song. Howard said he can't believe how things work around there. He said it's not embarrassing to anyone there. Howard said he was kind of curious to hear Alice Cooper. Howard said he loves that Scott comes in to stare at the broken equipment. Howard said he just stands there looking at it. Howard said he doesn't do anything.
Gary came in and said he thinks that Howard put in the DVD. Howard said he put in two CDs. Gary put in the CD and it still didn't work. Howard said he's done with this. He told Scott not to come in either. Scott came in and asked if he can apologize to him. Howard asked how he can not know that it's a DVD. Scott said he didn't look at it. Howard said he's on the air and he doesn't have time for this. Howard said Gary ruined his fucking birthday. Howard asked why he's giving him a DVD in a CD set to put in the CD player. Howard said he's disgusted now. He said he has to get in a better mood. Howard played Robin singing Whitney Houston songs. He said that calms him right down. Howard said if the audience is really good he'll play more of Robin singing.
Howard asked Benjy what he thinks he weighs. Benjy said that he guesses about 243 at the most. He said that's with clothes on. Howard told him to hop on the scale. He got on and Gary said he came in at 235 pounds. Benjy is 5'8'' tall. Howard said he's not that tall. Howard said they're at the same height and that's how tall Gary is. Howard asked what he's going to do. Benjy said they can work out something in the next couple of weeks but he'll start now. He said he'll lose 40 pounds in the next 5 months. Howard said Benjy has a cold or something. Benjy said he's over his cold. Howard said he's got to be sick. Benjy said he's just raspy. Howard said he heard something in his throat. Howard asked why he can't sit outside the studio. Benjy said he'll sit wherever he wants him to.
Howard said he doesn't care what Benjy does. He said he's gotten very large. He said he doesn't seem to care. Benjy said he does care. Howard asked what they're going to do. Benjy said he's going to start losing weight and Howard can come up with something for him to do if he doesn't. Howard said he has to lose 50 in 3 months. Benjy said that's too short. Howard said he has to lose 50 and if he doesn't then what happens. Fred said they should move up to Perez Hilton's foot going in his ass. Howard laughed. Fred had Perez shoving his foot up there with a can of Crisco to lube it up. Howard said maybe Robin can stick her cast in there. Howard said he doesn't want her foot to smell though. They went to break after that.
The caller also said he had a show question. Howard asked why he called. He said he called about Katy Perry. He said the NFL was putting out a list of names of people who should pay to perform the half time show at the Super Bowl. He asked what she's doing there performing? He also brought up the NFL and domestic abuse and how they handled that. Howard said he's not sure that you can blame the NFL for domestic battery. Howard said the real question is if Katy is paying to be on the Super Bowl. Howard said he would say that he'd guarantee that she's not. Howard said that he can see why a guy in his basement would pay but not Katy. The caller said that's what the NFL was putting out there. Howard said that these sports teams put out some shit. He said that you don't have to buy it but they put out shit that's embarrassing. Robin said they have towels that you wave and they have a throw for you to sit under while watching the game. Howard said maybe the team can have some integrity. Howard said maybe they can put out 3 things instead of 500. Howard said it would be classy if they didn't charge for everything.
The caller asked Howard about how he has mentioned Sirius twice now and he hasn't had anything nice to say about them lately. Howard said that's not true. He said he was owed a bonus that he wasn't paid. Howard said he went to court and the judge said he won't even hear the argument. Howard said that he always held the two separately. He said he had a very good working experience there. Howard said especially compared to working in terrestrial radio. Howard said that his mother once went up to K-Rock and commented on how dirty it was up there. Howard said this is the best radio studio he's ever had. Howard said the people there treat him well. He said the broadcast experience has been stellar. He said he's been able to do a lot of things creatively that he wanted to do. Howard said the payment thing still bothers him. He said that he sat in a meeting where he worked out a thing and said he wanted to be compensated in many ways. Howard said he was risking a lot coming there.
The caller interrupted and said they know all of this already. Howard told the guy, Ken, to fuck off or he'll hang up on him. Howard said don't interrupt his tirades. Howard said he won't stand for it. Howard said Ken called up under a false premise and he changed topics twice. Ken asked how much they paid him under the table to talk nice about them. Howard said he has never been paid under the table. Howard said the guy who is running the place now came to him and said that he wants to work with him. Howard said he's still ticked off about his bonus. He said they have 27 million subscribers now and not all of that is due to him but a lot of it is.
Ken asked Howard another question about what is going on with the promotion he's giving the company. He said the show has been a promotion vehicle for Comcast. Howard asked what Comcast has. Ken said it's NBC. Howard asked what he promotes for NBC. Ken said he's promoting AGT. Howard told Ken to get off the phone and hung up on him. He said he reminds him of that nutty Hanzi.
Howard had Hanzi on the phone and said he thinks he found someone for him. Hanzi said fuck that guy. Howard said Ken usually fucks Barbie but now he can fuck Hanzi. Hanzi said if he was a hot chick that would be fine. Howard said that Comcast doesn't pay him to do anything. Howard said Hanzi is even wackier than that guy. Hanzi said he's cooler than that guy.
Howard asked Hanzi what he had. Hanzi said he wanted to talk about the whole Paris thing. He said he thinks Howard is wrong about eliminating these guys. Howard asked who was saying they have to eliminate them. Hanzi said that he was saying they have to eliminate the terrorists. Hanzi said if they do it the way Howard wants to then they kill a lot of innocent people. Howard said he was talking about how to keep people out of the country who are training with known members of Al Queda. Howard said Hanzi is a dope. He said he has to talk to normal people. He said he's going insane. They went to break after that. As they went to break they played a Gary Garver interview with ZsaZsa Gabor's husband Prinz von Anhalt.
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Robin said she's not sure why someone has a kid just to beat it. The caller said that he heard on the news that a guy saw his kids building a snow man and he asked the Muslim leaders if it was okay and he was told that it's not right for them to build fake people. Howard said he was reading about an Orthodox Jewish group that was removing pictures of women because they think that men get tempted. Howard said these people interpret religion in such a way that makes it so sad to him. Howard said that he's not sure why every Muslim has to react to one man's thoughts on a snow man.
Howard said Bill Clinton left him a voice mail. Howard asked where that is. He said they had a woman call in about how she signs her man's penis to keep him from cheating on her. Howard said that someone called him and said that penis thing can be bad for your health. Robin said it's not every day though. Howard said he got a lot of letters about that woman. Howard read through some of those and some people thought she was bat shit insane. Howard said that Bill Clinton was furious about it. He played the voice mail that the phony Bill Clinton left for him about that.
Howard said he was watching this show called ''My Husband is Not Gay.'' Howard said the premise of the show is that the guys are so gay. He said they call it ''SSA'' which is Same Sex Attraction. Howard said the guys are gay but they have chosen to live the life of a straight person. Howard said that sounds like torture to him. Howard said he loves women and just imagine he forced himself to suck some dick. Howard said just imagine that life. Robin said the woman is never going to feel loved.
Howard said he has some clips to play. He played one where the husband and wife talked about being married for 9 years and they have a son. The guy says that he experiences ''SSA.'' He talked about noticing men on the street. The guy says that the only acceptable thing in the Mormon community is being married to a woman. Howard said this is religion again. Howard said that this guy is going to live like this the rest of his life and he's never going to be happy.
Howard played another clip of the wife talking about how they have to let their man have ''guy time.'' Howard said that sounds like trouble to him. Howard said that's like an alcoholic hanging out at a bar. Howard played a clip of a couple of women talking about their husbands and what they have to deal with having husbands who experience SSA. Howard said this is a whacked out world we live in.
Howard said that we've lost our minds. Howard said these people damage their lives with this. He said they have desires for men and they force themselves to have sex with women. Robin said you know they're having sex with guys too. Howard said he loved that Ronnie spelled out ''I Love Cock'' this morning.
Howard had more clips and asked Robin if she wanted to hear more. Robin said she did. Howard played another clip of some of the couples talking about how they don't care if their husbands check out other men. The women said they check out the other men too.
Howard said what a torture that is. Robin asked why they're on TV admitting this sadness. Howard said that's even sadder. He asked what the compulsion is to get this out there. Howard said there are a lot of fucked up people out there.
Howard said he has a clip of a pastor talking about punching a guy out. Howard played that clip and the pastor was talking about working with a kid who was a real bright kid and a real smart Alec. He said that it makes kids dangerous when they're smart. He said this kid was trying to push his buttons. He said he walked over and punched the kid in the chest one day. He said he leaned over and asked him when he's going to stop playing games with God. He said there are times when that might be needed. Howard said we know that no one has heard from God. Howard said that he's really talking about himself. He said he is into God and he sees a kid who isn't and he punches him in the chest and asks when he's going to take him seriously.
Robin said she finds it funny that they think these people need their help even though God created everything. Howard said religion will just fuck everyone's head up.
Howard said that this guy thinks he's god and he wants that kid to take him seriously. Howard said his favorite clip is the gay guy who goes to church and gets converted and then he stops being gay. Howard played that clip where the guy believes that the lord has set him free from being gay. He screams out ''I don't like mens no more!'' He says he will not put on make up and he will not carry a purse no more. Howard laughed. Robin said he probably went right back to being gay after Church that day. Howard played a song parody that they created using clips of that guy saying ''I don't like mens no more.''
Howard said he loves that guy's grammar. He said that he uses a double negative so that means he is gay. Howard said it's crazy what's going on in this world and it all has to do with religion. Robin said the Pope has been saying that all of God's creatures are welcome in heaven too. Howard said that's a nice thought. Robin said if that's the case then why don't dogs and cats have rules like people do. Howard said he has to be more definitive about the Gobbledy Gook.
Howard said Gary got some nice feedback about the guests they've had on lately. Howard said they are asking for more sluts to come in though. Howard read an email from someone who says that they want to play a game on the air but they're from Canada. Howard said he doesn't understand that rule. He said he would like to play with a Canadian. Howard said he thinks that ruling came about because of Hanzi. He said no one wanted to give him anything.
Robin said it did start with Hanzi. Howard said that's what it must be. Howard had Hanzi on the phone again. Hanzi asked why he hangs up on him. He said he has important things to say. Robin said nothing he has to say is important. Hanzi said if Judd Apatow was really concerned about Bill Cosby then maybe he'd bring up the whole Zionism thing. Howard said that he's so sick of Hanzi. He said Hanzi has never made anything out of his life. Howard said he's not going to argue with him about this. He said Bill Cosby has nothing to do with Jews and Israel. Howard said Hanzi likes terrorism and he doesn't. Howard asked if it's okay to blow up buildings. Hanzi said it's not okay to do that. He told Howard to ask the CIA about that. Howard played a Taken 4 movie about Liam Neeson rescuing his daughter from Bill Cosby.
Howard asked Hanzi if he's done. Hanzi said that if Bill Cosby did do it then it was probably his Illuminati ritual to get in. Howard said he has to see a psychiatrist. He said Hanzi is ill. Hanzi said he is seeing a therapist. Howard played him out with the Twilight Zone theme.
Howard said he's been in therapy for 16 years himself. He said that he's still not cured. Howard said there is no way Hanzi could be cured in 3 lifetimes.
Howard read some more email and one was about Mariann from Brooklyn. Howard said that this person says that he knows when to shut her down. The writer likes that Mariann is on the show and thinks they need more women in the Wack Pack.
Howard said that someone asked why there are no forums on the web site. Howard said he thinks that's coming. He said he's heard Jason and others talking about that.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who asked if Beth is coming up there for Gwyneth. Howard said Beth thinks she walks on water but she is not up there today. Mariann said that she sees that Beth is busy with the kittens they have. Howard said that they have 5 kittens but they will be adopted out. Mariann asked if he saw the cat in St. Vincent that looks like Yoda. Howard said he did. He hung up on Mariann after that. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he needs water. He took a call from a woman who said that there's a bumper sticker out there that says ''No trucks, no country.'' She said she thinks it's No Howard No Country. Howard said he's trying to think about what she's saying. Howard said he likes the no trucks thing. Howard said he likes what this woman is saying. Howard thanked her for the call.
Howard said that he can't believe that Robin broke her foot. Howard said Charlie Sheen was on his Twitter account ranting about someone. Robin said she saw that he went to green Bay to help them celebrate their playoff win. Howard said she was going off on Kim Kardashian.
Howard said that Gwyneth Paltrow is there. He said she's in the movie Mordecai with Johnny Depp. Howard asked if Gwyneth worries about getting older. Gwyneth said she doesn't. Howard said that it's kind of important to be attractive to be in movies. Howard said that your whole life you're evaluated on your looks. Howard said he was on the big screen and it was a horrible experience because of his looks. Howard said as a woman it must make her crazy. Gwyneth said she is in a media vacuum. She said she avoids as much as she can. Howard asked if she has a Twitter account. She said she odes and she just keeps that separate from her personal life. She said that she tries to be in denial. Howard said he has a thin skin. Gwyneth said that if it's a stranger then it's their problem. She said if a friend says it then it might upset her. She said that it doesn't bother her so much as it did when she was younger.
Howard said the first movie offered to Gwyneth was the movie ''Cool as Ice'' with Vanilla Ice. Howard said she had done TV and her father didn't want her to do that movie. She said that she told her dad about getting offered the lead in the movie. She said she was thrilled. She said it was like $50,000 and her father read it and on the first page the guy asks her for her phone number and the number ended in 6969 so her dad closed the script and said he forbid it.
Howard asked if she went to see the movie to see who took the part. Gwyneth said she missed that one. She didn't go to see it. Howard asked if that's her biggest regret. She said that she doesn't at all. Howard said it must hurt to say no to something like that. Robin said it's flattering to be offered something like that. Gwyneth said her dad was her greatest asset in her life. She said that if she was in the movie and it didn't work then she'd be known as the actress who was in that movie.
Howard said he used to masturbate to her mother when he was growing up. Gwyneth said she's probably listening right now. Howard said when you grow up around a mother who is successful must be intoxicating. Howard asked how you can't want to be an actress. Gwyneth said that she was so powerful on stage too. She said that she was funny and creative. She said it was unbelievable. Howard said his father was a radio engineer and he wonders how he can't not want to be in radio to get his father's attention.
Howard asked Gwyneth how her parents told her not to get into acting. She said they suggested that she do something else. She said her mother wanted her to be an anthropologist. She said that her father wasn't so much against it. He was for letting her try it and see how she likes it. Howard asked if she had a natural ability in high school. She said she doesn't think so much in high school. Howard said she has the ability to remember her lines. She said she has some kind of tick that allows her to do that. Howard asked if he asked her to go home and remember a play overnight could she do it. Gwyneth said she could get most of it but not the whole thing. Howard asked if the words come to her naturally. She said they do pretty much.
Howard said that the hard part is memorizing the lawyer jargon. Gwyneth said she's able to do that. She said her mother had a hard time with her lines. She said she played a gynecologist once and she had to tape her lines on the thigh of the actress in the room. Howard said she must be blown out by her ability then. Gwyneth said that it keeps you on your toes.
Howard said that in Iron Man Robert Downey Jr. is so into adlibbing they had no script. Gwyneth said in the first one it was like that. She said they had no script. Howard said that Robert Downey is a quick guy. Gwyneth said very. Howard asked if she was flummoxed on the first day of shooting. She said it was really fun so she wasn't. Gwyneth said that they would get their sides and Robert would say that it was garbage and that's kind of embarrassing because the writer is there. Howard asked what she does when that happens. She said that they know that's part of Robert's process. She said even he will write something and say it's shit. She said he likes to come in and make it up on the fly. Howard said it's remarkable. Gwyneth said she likes improv and he's hilarious.
Howard asked if she's happy with Iron Man. She said that they're fun. She said she loved the last one because she got to wear a suit and kill a bad guy. She said her son was really into it too so that was a lot of fun.
Howard asked if she's pissed she wasn't in The Avengers. She said she wasn't. She said she would like to play Pepper Potts again though. She said that she loves being with Robert on the set. She said he's just a wonderful guy. Gwyneth said she loves her time on the set with him.
Howard asked Gwyneth if he had to convince her to be in Iron Man. She said that he did. Howard said he called her personally and asked her. Gwyneth said that she had two little kids at the time. She said she just wanted to be home. Howard asked if she was burnt out. She said she was. Gwyneth said she wanted to stay home and not go back to work. She said that her agent asked her to be in Iron Man and she said no. Gwyneth said that she remembers the agent saying that if she didn't do a movie soon that she'd be out of the business.
Howard asked if it's hard to say no to doing a movie. She said she likes being with the kids. She said that they lived in London for 11 years and moved back to L.A. a year ago. Howard said she has turned down some great movies like Boogie Nights. Gwyneth asked how he knows that. Howard said he just does. Gwyneth said her father made her turn that one down too. She said she can't be totally naked and giving a BJ on screen. She said that would kill her grandfather. Howard said Heather Graham was great in it but the movie was a big deal. Howard asked if she goes to see the movie. Gwyneth said she did see that one. Howard asked if her heart sank seeing that. Gwyneth said she's okay with it. She said Heather was so good in it that it worked.
Howard said Gwyneth turned down Titanic too. Gwyneth said that her mother would kill her for talking about this. She said it's not lady like to talk about that. Howard said that she turned down the Kate Winslett role. Howard said he'd be throwing a fit. Gwyneth said that she does other stuff. She said that she's not sure she was offered the role. She said that she may have been one of the last two people who were offered the role. She said she thinks back about why she turned some things down and didn't turn things down. Howard said that she turned down ''Gangs of New York'' too. Gwyneth said she did not. Howard said she did. Howard said she did not turn down Shallow Hal. Howard said he loved that film. Gwyneth said she thinks it's funny. Howard asked if she ever watches her movies. She said she will for a minute if they're on TV or something. She said she can't stand to watch herself. Howard said he thinks she did a great job in Shallow Hal. She thanked him for saying that. Howard said he likes fat people getting thing and all of that. Howard asked if she took that because the Farrelly brothers were directing it. She said that was part of it.
Howard asked Gwyneth about going to a private school where they played Marvin Gaye every morning. She said they played Sexual Healing every day and she was only 10 years old at the time. Howard asked if it's one of those schools where you can just do what you want to do and not do what you don't want to. Gwyneth said she's not sure exactly what their philosophy is. She said she still has like 5 friends from that school. She said they really didn't learn much at that school though.
Howard said he thinks that Gwyneth would have a hard time being friends with women. Gwyneth said that her best friend in the world is someone she met at the age of 4. She said that she's the greatest human ever. Howard said she has some famous friends though. She said she does but most of them aren't famous. Howard asked who her great famous friend is. She said Cameron Diaz and Jay Z and Beyonce are some of her best. She said she met Jay at a benefit in New York. She said she was married to Chris Martin at the time. Howard asked if it's hard to become friends with people like that. Gwyneth said in that case Chris and Jay just got along. She said that they may have been talking about working together. Howard said it sounds fascinating. Gwyneth said that they're the greatest people. She said they're funny and sweet and self aware.
Howard asked if Gwyneth lays low when all of that stuff with Jay Z was going on. Gwyneth said she usually calls right away when a friend is going through something like that.
Howard said that Gwyneth's parents found out that she didn't know anything so they brought her to New York to go to school. She said that it was horrifying. She said she was 11 years old and they were teaching all of these things that she didn't know. She said she wondered what the fuck they were talking about. She said she wasn't able to do math. Howard asked if the school called her parents. She said she started working really hard. She said she had to get a tutor in math but the rest of the classes she caught up on.
Howard asked if Gwyneth was always hot. She said she wasn't. She said when she was little she was too thin and she had braces. Gwyneth said she shaved the back of her head in the 80s too. She said that she didn't get boobs until 15. Howard said then they came in and she got hot. Howard said that she had some acting roles back then. She said she had a lot of walk ons. Howard said Steven Spielberg is her godfather and he put her in ''Hook.'' She said he did. Gwyneth said she went to Williamstown in Massachusetts and she learned how to build sets and things like that there. She said that she auditioned for a part in a free theater. She said she got a line in a play. She said someone saw her in the play and asked if he could send her out on auditions. Howard asked if she ever did commercials. She said she has since then but not back then.
Howard said that Steven Spielberg puts her in the movie and then what. She said she only had one line in it. She said that Steven asked her to come in and do that one line in the movie and she was blown away. Howard said Robin Williams was in that movie too. Gwyneth said that he was amazing.
Howard said the first big movie she got was Seven. She said that wasn't it. She said the first big one for her was ''Flesh and Bone'' with Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid. She said she played a grifter girl and it was the best. She said she was so nervous around Meg. She said she couldn't breathe around her. She said she had to think about it. Howard said then she got Seven and started dating Brad Pitt. Howard said that had to be something else. Robin said that's when the Paparazzi gets to them. Howard said that propels her career and it's not all bad. Gwyneth said it's not. She said she didn't think about it at the time but she's sure it was a good thing for her career.
Howard said that it's hard not to fall in love on the set of a movie. Howard said he shot his movie and it was unbelievable what was going on there. Howard said it's just so great that it has to be almost impossible to fall in love. Gwyneth said that she did fall in love with Brad. She said he was so gorgeous and sweet. Howard asked if she's still friends with him. She said she doesn't stay in touch but they will run into each other once in a while.
Howard asked if her parents liked Brad. Gwyneth said they loved him. She said her father was devastated when they broke up. Howard asked how they knew they weren't right for each other. Gwyneth said that she was only 22 at the time. She said that it took her until she was 40 to get her act together. Howard said that she left him and then Shakespeare in Love is her next movie. She said that's right. Howard asked if she knew that she was going to win an Oscar. She said definitely not. Howard asked where the Oscar is now. She said it's on Long Island.
Howard said that he heard a story about being over at Winona Ryder's house and she saw the script there. She said that is not true at all. Howard said he heard that she got the role and Winona got pissed that she got it. Gwyneth said she was doing a lot of Miramax movies and someone there asked her why she wasn't doing that movie. She said that she had just gotten over the break up with Brad too. She was devastated. Howard asked if she still has pictures of Brad and her. She said she does have a couple. Howard said that her husband must get jealous of that. She said that you hope that he'll understand that those are parts of your life.
Howard said Gwyneth met Ben Affleck and then she did Shakespeare in Love and he wanted to do it with her so he tried to get a role in the movie too. Howard said that's how he knew she was dating him. Gwyneth said that Harvey Weinstein was trying to put all of his people in the movie so that's why that was going on.
Howard asked if Winona Ryder thinks that she stole her role. She said she hasn't seen her in years so she doesn't know. She said that whole thing is an urban myth though. Howard asked if she thinks she's better than Meryl Streep. Gwyneth said that she's great so she would never say that.
Howard said they say that Harvey Weinstein is accused of buying the Oscar for Shakespeare in Love. He said that he went out and campaigned so hard for it. Howard asked if it was a defining moment in her life. Gwyneth said that when she was younger it was the ultimate validation. She said that she was thrilled to win. She said once you have one then you're still just as confused and unhappy as you were the day before.
Howard said that Gwyneth split up with Brad Pitt and then went out with Ben Affleck. Howard asked if a guy like him could ever date a woman like her. Gwyneth said of course. She said he's taken anyway. Howard said that she's dated perfect looking guys. Howard asked if it's hard to figure out a personality when they're that good looking. Howard said he gets intoxicated when he meets a good looking woman. Gwyneth said when you're in your 20s you can get swept up in that kind of thing. Howard said it's tricky. Gwyneth said that you think it validates you in some way and that's just not true. Howard asked if she has ever dated an ugly person. Robin said she can't think of any ugly men Gwyneth has dated. Howard said she should try it.
Howard said that Gwyneth tends to get attached to people. She dated Ben for a few years. Howard asked if her friends told her she was nuts for breaking up. She said that he wasn't in a good place in his life at the time for having a girlfriend. She said her parents were okay with that break up. She said her father was more sad about the Brad Pitt break up.
Howard asked if she said that Ben should date a Scores stripper. She said she did but at the time it was true. She said now he has a great wife who she likes a lot.
Howard said then Gwyneth met Chris Martin. Howard said she stayed with him for a while. Howard said then they had a ''conscious uncoupling'' and that became a huge thing. Howard said he even uses that term now. Gwyneth said that she left out that it wasn't her term. She said that it's another person's term. She said that it's a very noble idea. She said that it is a goofy term. She said she didn't know it was going to cause such a big thing. She said that it's such valuable information and she's glad that they were able to work things out. Howard said that Chris has written a song about you and that has to be more intoxicating than a movie set. Howard said that a guy of that caliber is a big deal. Howard asked if that's a big thing for a woman. Gwyneth said that she loved his music before she met him. She said that she had his second alum playing for her father when he was saying. Howard said he died at 58 which is really young. Gwyneth said that her father had throat cancer and he was okay for 4 years. Then on her 30th birthday they went to Italy and her dad went along. She said that he got double pneumonia and died. Howard said she really loved him too. Gwyneth said she did. She said he was the love of her life. She said that he died and everyone was so nice. She said that someone wrote her an email and said that everyone has a father but not everyone has a daddy. She said that's what he was. Howard said there's a rumor that breaking up with Brad killed him. She laughed and said that might be true.
Howard said then Gwyneth met Chris when she went to see a concert because she liked his music so much. Gwyneth said she wasn't able to get out of that whole thing when her father died. She said she couldn't cope with the grief. She said she had to go into therapy. Howard asked if it was a woman or man. She said it was a woman. She said she's great and she loves her. She said she went to London and she'd have to call her on the phone.
Gwyneth said she had tickets to go see Coldplay that she had before her father died. She said she didn't think she could leave the house. She said her friend Mary talked her into going. She said she cried the whole concert. Howard asked if she became infatuated right away. Robin said that has to be intoxicating. Gwyneth said they met afterward and Chris was very sweet to her. Howard asked if she wanted to resist all of that. Gwyneth said that he was 25 and she was 30. She said she didn't think she could fall in love with a 25 year old rock star. Howard said that it's hard for a rock star to stay in a relationship. Howard said he's out on the road all the time. Howard said he thinks the heart grows colder when you're away from someone. Gwyneth said it's very hard. She said that they tried not to stay away from each other for long. She said there was one time when it was 5 weeks that he was away. Howard said that's tough on kids.
Howard asked if Apple likes her name. Gwyneth said that she does. Howard said that was another thing he found interesting when she put that out there. Gwyneth said that Chris named her actually. Howard said he seems like a good guy. Gwyneth said that he's very sweet.
Howard asked how things are with the kids and the parents being separated. She said that they do get together and they do things as a family. She said that he's going to be in her life for the rest of their lives. She said that they have kids together. Gwyneth said that there are family stories where people don't speak for years. She said she doesn't want to get to that point. She said she'd rather skip right over that. Howard said that if Chris disagrees with the way she parents then that's going to cause an argument. He said they have to be on the same page. Gwyneth said that they actually are. She said that they get along like that.
Howard said that if Chris dates someone who isn't someone she likes then it's going to be another argument. She said that it's Chris' life and his decision and she thinks that he loves the kids so much that he wouldn't be with someone who wasn't great. She said if she's wrong she'll come back there and tell Howard. Howard said it might be a problem if it's Lindsay Lohan.
Howard said Gwyneth went on Glee and won an Emmy. Howard asked if she wants to be a rock star. She said not really. Howard asked if she recorded with Chris. She said she did some stuff with him. She said that it's just a couple of things. Howard said he imagines Chris coming down and telling her that he wrote a song about them and he wishes he could do that himself. He said that is hot. Howard asked how many songs have been written about her. Gwyneth said she doesn't know. Gwyneth said Fix You was about him trying to put her back together after her dad died. She said that it's pretty nice when that happens. Howard said he's still trying to get someone to write a song about him.
Howard asked if she will do TV now. Gwyneth said she doesn't think it matters now. She said that the TV roles for women seem to be on TV for the most part.
Howard asked why she did this movie Mordecai. She said that she had never done a movie with Johnny Depp. She said she loves him in a work sense. Howard asked if she has any kissing love scenes with him. She said she has a kiss and a love scene. Howard asked if she needs chemistry with an actor for something like that. She said there are different kinds and it does help. Howard said that she's not nervous to act with someone like that now. She said that he is such an icon though. She said he rolls his own cigarettes and things. He said he's just cool. Gwyneth said that she felt she wasn't cool enough to be there. Howard asked if he's very welcoming to her. She said he is.
Howard asked what the story is about this movie Mordecai. Howard asked if it's religious because that's what it sounds like. Gwyneth said Howard is so funny. She said the movie is a funny comedy and it's an art heist romantic comedy. She said that Johnny is hilarious in the movie. She said she loves when he does a character like this. She said he's so brilliant. Robin asked if he sticks to the script. Gwyneth said that he does. She said he listens to music while he acts. She said he has a little thing in his ear and he listens to music when he's acting. Howard said that's way too cool. Howard asked how he does that while he's doing dialog. She said he's creating a whole world in his head. She said he was listening to Jazz and Big Band music because that's what the movie is like. Howard asked if she thinks this is crazy acting stuff. She said she's fine with whatever someone has to do to get through it.
Howard said that the movie opens on January 23rd. Howard asked if she's affected by the opening box office. She said she isn't really. She said she tries to do good in the movie and then goes out and promotes it the best she can. Howard asked if she will read the reviews. She said no. Howard said that maybe the review are amazing. He asked if she'll take a peek then. Gwyneth said that if you believe the good ones you have to believe the bad ones. Howard asked if they hide the papers around the house. Gwyneth said you don't have to hide them from her like a toddler. She said she doesn't actively seek it out. Howard asked if she's a producer on this film. She said she's not. She said she's just a paid actor. Howard said she must be excited about it. She said she is. She said she thinks it's very funny.
Howard said that Gwyneth was talking to Chelsea Handler and told her that things get heated and her advice is to just blow your husband and you skip all of the nonsense. Gwyneth asked if she's right. Howard said 100 percent. Howard asked if she practices this. Gwyneth said that she wants to thank Chelsea for telling that story. Howard asked if that's something that has worked for her. Gwyneth said she told Chelsea that because you don't always have to fight. She said that it's good physically.
Howard got the wrap up sign. He said he's thrilled that she came in today. She said she avoided Howard for 20 years. Robin said that she thought that Gwyneth was at a dinner one night and Howard ran into her. Gwyneth said she started listening to Howard in 8th grade and all of the boys at St. David's were obsessed. She said that she listened to him for years when she was a kid. Howard said just imagine how her dad would have felt if he had married her. She said he would have loved that.
Howard asked if Gwyneth will be checking the box office that night. Gwyneth said she has never done that in her life. She said when Iron Man 1 came out Jon Favreau called her and told her what they were bringing in. She said that they were really invested in that movie and it made sense. Howard said that he knows she has to go so he can't keep this going. Howard said that she must have been kind of hesitant to do a movie with Robert. She said that there are some that she would love to work with and he was one. She said that you don't care if they were drinking or not drinking when you work with them. She said they're an artist and you don't need to judge the personal life.
Howard said he has a lot more questions but he knows she has to get out of there. She said she'll come back. Howard gave her a plug for her web site Goop.com, the movie and all of that and then went to break.
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Howard came back and said this is a great song. Howard said Gwyneth gave him a gift to give to Beth. Robin said she had one for her and for Fred, Alison and Mary. Howard said Fred and Gary are never getting more gifts. Fred said it's actually for his wife.
Howard took a call from Bobo after Fred said they shouldn't. Howard played him in with a song parody about him being the worst caller ever from Little Mikey. Bobo said the interview was so awesome that it was almost as if they were chatting with an old friend. Howard said that Gwyneth is stunning. Robin said that Howard was taking pictures with her and he was imagining himself with her. Howard said they were just having some innocent fun. Howard said she's been with Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, Chris Martin and who knows who else. Howard said she's not looking at him and saying ''Oh god!'' Howard said it was a lot of fun today. He said he had 2 hours more of questions but the publicist got her out of there because they have other things to do. Howard said that was a lot of fun. Howard thanked Bobo for the call. He played him out with another Bobo song parody.
Howard said they have a couple of people sitting in today. Howard said that's Brad and David. Howard said they look alike and they walk and talk alike. Howard said they donated some money to a benefit for John Varvatos. He said that he has never heard of the charity before. Brad and David had no idea what it was either. Howard said it's David's birthday. He said it's actually tomorrow. They also brought in gifts. Howard asked what they're worth. One of the guys said they're going to make donations to Howard and Robin's charities. They also brought in some stuff for the staff. They got a spoon for JD and it says ''Will you Marry Me'' on it. He said he can use that on the day he proposes. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to the guys and then moved on to Robin's news.
Howard said that it's time for Robin's news. They played Robin in with a song parody. Howard asked who that is. Fred said it's unidentified. Howard said that may have been Tony Bennett. Howard said he got a note saying it was Tony Daniels.
Howard said that he was asking Gwyneth about diet and this and that. Howard said that she asked if he exercises. Howard said he told her to look at him. Howard said just look at his physique. He said that was kind of embarrassing. Howard said she may have asked if he has ever exercised.
Robin said there is a tattoo artist who is willing to tattoo your name on her for as little as $10. Robin said she's trying to raise money for an art project and that's how she's doing it. Howard said that's very sad. He said he wants his name on her asshole.
Robin read a story about how there's an assembly woman who wants to outlaw declawing of pets. Howard said he thinks that's a good thing. Howard said that he is against it. Robin read some details about that.
Robin read about how there is a real movie about Whitney Houston. That led to Howard playing the bit they created with Robin singing as Whitney. Robin read about how the real Bobby Brown will be interviewed about the movie.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Bill Cosby should put his tour on hold. Howard said you'd think he wouldn't want to be in public. He said the whole thing is very bizarre. Howard said he'd want to hide if he were Bill Cosby. Howard said he'd do what he could to get this bullshit done with. Howard said if he's innocent then he shouldn't stop touring.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that Gary should not be allowed to see Nicole Bass' vagina when she comes in. Howard said that Robin has seen it and she was unable to describe it. Howard said they told her to describe it and she was so traumatized she wasn't able to describe it. Howard said he thinks that she is a woman though. Howard said that she called and claimed that she was going to show it to them. Howard said now Gary says that she's calling and telling them that she's in one day and out the next. Howard said it's up to her but she should make up her mind. Howard played a ''Post Traumatic Snatch Disorder'' bit they created about that whole thing.
Robin read a story about bus drivers in Seattle are getting used to seeing a dog getting on board and sitting in a seat all by herself. Howard said he saw the video of that. Howard said if the owner is dilly dallying then the dog gets on and the bus leaves. Howard said the dog hangs out in the chair and gets off the bus on its own to go to the park. Howard said he never had a dog that smart. He said his dogs have been smart but not that smart. Robin said that she has a friend who has a dog who would get on the school bus every day. It would go to school and help kids with problems and then get on the bus at the end of the day and go home. Robin read more about that dog and had some audio of someone talking about that. Howard said he's not sure Wendy the Slow Adult even knows how to take a bus.
Robin read a story about a little boy that was in a car that was stolen. The mother's phone was in the car and they called it to get the boy to honk the horn to let them know where he was. Robin had some audio of someone describing what went on with that. Howard said he's still more impressed with the dog.
Howard took a call from a guy who said if Robin wants to sing then she should take off her bra so she can breathe better. He asked Howard what his favorite name to call Gary is when he messes up. Howard said what he likes to do is let things flow out of him. He said he likes Baba Booey or he'll just screw up his last name. He said that he'll say Gary Dell'Abonke or something like that. The caller asked what bothers Gary the most. Howard said he hates Mama Monkey. He said he was behind Baba Booey but someone else said Mama Monkey. Gary said he thinks that was Billy West who came up with that. Gary said he's not going to say what bothers him the most. Fred played a ''ReRe Retard'' clip. Gary said there's something that Howard does that really bothers him. Howard said it's when he sticks his teeth out. Gary told him to smack his lips a lot and he has it. Howard did his impression of Gary waking up and asking for orange juice on the flight they were on once. Gary said that was from like 30 years ago. Howard said his mother called him after they said Mama Monkey and yelled at him. He said Gary's mother was upset about it and he was told that it's not right to call him a monkey. Gary asked if she was okay with ''retard.'' Howard said they never got into that. He said if he had a conscience then they'd be in trouble. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard asked David and Brad how they were enjoying this so far. They were saying that they were having a good time. They spent a couple of minutes talking about how great it is being there live.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he really enjoys the show. He said the Gwyneth Paltrow interview was really good because Howard has a way of making someone he doesn't find interesting pretty interesting. Howard thanked him for that.
Howard took a call from the dog that takes the bus. The guys in the back were just playing dog barking clips as Howard asked it questions.
Robin read a story about a woman in China who chopped off her husband's penis twice. Robin said they say that she found a message on her cell phone that her husband had sent to his secret lover. Robin said that she cut off his penis with scissors. Howard said if someone is cheating on you then you just leave. Howard said you don't chop anything off. Robin said the man's penis was reattached and then the wife went in and chopped it off a second time at the hospital. Robin said then she threw it out the window. Robin said police were unable to reattach it. They think a stray dog or cat may have run off with it. Howard said that reminds him of the bit they did on a pay per view special where they threw John Wayne Bobbit's penis out a window and a dog ran off with it or something. Howard said that's some career he has.
Robin read as story about a lesbian woman whose church declined to hold a funeral for her. Robin said the church objected to video of her proposing to her girlfriend.
Robin read a story about Amazon.com snagging Woody Allen to create his first TV series. Robin said they don't have any information about the series yet but they say that Amazon is changing the game with this whole thing.
Robin read that North Korea is asking for proof that they had any involvement in the hacking of Sony. Robin said they say they are not involved. Howard said he doesn't know anymore. Howard said everything is so screwed up. Howard said things seem really bad. Howard said he has 3 daughters and he worries about the future for them. Howard said there are so many things going on.
Howard took a call from Ralph. Howard said Ralph came over the other day and they have some hooks on the wall in the closet. He said Ralph took his neck ties and put them on the wall. Howard said he saw them and told him he doesn't wear them that often so they don't have to be on the wall. Howard said that Ralph looked at him and asked him what he would hang there. Howard said he said maybe his belts or scarves. He said Ralph got so belligerent. He said he told him it's his closet but Ralph got all insulted. Ralph said he wanted to figure it out with him. Ralph said he called in to compliment him on the Gwyneth Paltrow interview. He said she really has her shit together and he thinks that people will change their minds about her after that. He said people think of her like a cartoon. Robin said that's what people do with Ralph. Howard let him go a short time later.
Robin said Rick Springfield is being sued for knocking a woman out with his butt a concert. Gary said he read some of the story. He said that he lost his balance and he hit this woman with his butt. He said the story is unclear though. Howard asked when the law lets you off the hook for an accident. Robin said Rick got emotional on the stand yesterday and started yelling at the attorney. Howard said that's a bad move. Howard said you have to stay calm. Robin had some audio from the trial where Rick was arguing with the attorney. Howard said you have to almost act retarded on the stand. He said you can't lash out.
Howard took a call from Marianne Garvey from the NY Daily News. She said that she has to thank Howard and the guys for this week of shows. He said that her mom passed away on Christmas. She said that they make her laugh so hard and she thanks them for that. Howard said that's their gift to everyone. Marianne said that the laughs really help her. Howard said he's sorry to hear about her mom. He let her go a short time later. Howard played Robin singing Whitney Houston songs to lighten the mood.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she thought that Gwyneth said something about working moms and how she works harder than them. She said she found that to be kind of pretentious. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the Boston Bomber and how they're announcing a delay in jury selection for him.
Robin read about how there are people scamming people saying they have kidnapped a family member. Robin said that the police are saying that people will say the name before the kidnapper because the kidnapper doesn't even know the name. Robin said the best thing is to not give a name if you get a call like that.
Robin asked if there are more homicides or suicides with guns. Howard said it must be suicide. Robin said he's right. Robin said 64 percent in 2007 were from gun shot wounds.
Robin read a story about how the richest members of congress are from California. Robin read about one guy who was worth $450 million. She asked why anyone would want to be a congress person when you have that much money. Howard said he doesn't know.
Robin read a story about how the U.S. dollar could be worth as much as the Euro as soon as the end of next year.
Robin read that there are a lot of open jobs in the country now. Robin said it's up over the previous year. Robin said there are over 5 million jobs available.
Robin read a story about the Charlie Hebdo magazine that's going worldwide now. Robin said that they were never worldwide until now.
Robin read a story about Nancy Grace meeting Two Chains on her show. Robin had some clips from that interview.
Robin read a story about a teen who wanted to join ISIS and the mother of that child is making a plea for them to leave our children alone.
Robin read a story about a bartender who is being charged for trying to murder John Boehner. Robin said he wanted to kill the congressman by poisoning his drink. Robin said he blamed Boehner for getting him fired from some job he had. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Jon said that Gwyneth got into some racy stuff with Howard today. He said that she talked about a lot of things. He said Robin also revealed that she broke her ankle. He said that they have played a lot of her singing lately too. He said she was talking about how she has a good sense of humor about them making fun of her singing now. He said over time she has been able to laugh at her singing. He said he wonders if that masks the hurt she might be feeling.
Jon said Gary talked about what Howard and Robin do to get under his skin. He said you can't let them know what they're doing to upset you or they'll get into it even more. Jon went to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she wasn't a fan of Gwyneth until today. She thought that she sounded kind of embarrassed by Shallow Hal. Jon said he was swayed when she talked about how the conscious uncoupling thing came about and it didn't come across as pretentious. He said that she was just trying to work out things for the kids in the best way she could. The caller said that women tend to be jealous of her looks and the relationship she has.
Jon said that Howard sounded shocked that Gwyneth has pictures of herself with Brad Pitt. Jon said that you have to be secure in your relationship to have that stuff around. Jon said that you need to be secure enough to hide that jealousy. Jon said that she has a pretty good list of men. The caller said she'd be happy with that roster but she's happy with her husband.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thought it was interesting that Bruce and Gwyneth would watch the Steelers much like Beth and her father would do that. He said he thought that was an interesting coincidence.
Jon said later in the interview Gwyneth was talking about what Chelsea Handler brought up. Jon played a clip of Howard telling the story about how she suggested to just blow your husband if you're fighting. Jon said that you can't answer that question any better. He said that she just came in and had a real conversation with Howard. Jon said that Gwyneth talked about how different she was when she was in her 20s and how she is now. Jon said that's what happens to everyone. He said that your priorities are different. Jon said that you get to hear what this beautiful woman went through. He said she has an Oscar and an Emmy too. He said he thought she was a really good guest today.
Jon asked Lisa G to give her Howard 100 News rundown. Lisa ran down a few headlines for today's news. They went to break a short time later.
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Jon played a clip of Howard yelling at Scott the Engineer when he wasn't able to play a CD. Jon said the first thing was that Howard accused Gary of ruining his birthday. Jon said that he's not sure why Gary gives him a gift at this point. He said he got him a CD of artists covering McCartney songs. Jon said there's a DVD in the set that Howard got and he accidentally put the DVD in the player. He said then Scott comes in and gets yelled at. Then Howard goes off on Gary. Jon said that they love hearing Gary and Scott getting yelled at but he'd like to know who was at fault.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks Gary did just fine with the gift. He said it got all screwed up but shit happens. He said that he loves that Howard gets everyone to open up on the show. He said that they all see that there is no bullshit in Howard. He said he feels that Howard should make a run for President after his contract is up. Jon said that is the magic of Howard. He said he talks to people like they're regular people. Jon said that's what he did today with Gwyneth. He said that you don't get that in a lot of places. He said on TV they don't have time and usually people just aren't as good at interviewing as Howard is. Jon said when they have a guest come in like that you're going to get a good, honest interview.
Gary showed up so Jon asked him if he regrets giving the gift to Howard. Gary said it wasn't a fiasco like Jon had in the notes. Gary said that he thought Howard could use it to fill 20 minutes of air time. He said that's why he gave it to him. Gary said he gave Howard a bunch of tracks that he found interesting. Gary said he got a copy of the CD that was lent to him. He said he bought the set for Howard and never looked at it. He said he didn't know there was a DVD in the set. Jon said all of the attention went on Scott at first.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he felt Howard was acting like a spoiled child today. Gary said his wife paints and she told him to get Howard some special brushes for his birthday. He said she suggested getting him some oil paints too but he only paints with water colors.
Jon asked Gary if he ever thinks about just getting him a card. Gary said that over the years he's had a pretty good batting average. He said he has gotten him some stuff that he likes. He said the brutal one was the grooming kit that he got beat up over. He said that six years later Howard thanked him for it when he found it in his closet.
Jon said Howard also talked about what bothers him with what Howard and Robin do to him. Gary said that it's all white noise to him at this point. He said that fucking with his last name makes him laugh. He said he finds all of that funny but when Howard makes that face it really pisses him off.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they can recall when Howard upset them so much that they were upset the rest of the day. Gary said that he can think of the first pitch day but that was his own fault. Gary said that he thought it would end at some point but it didn't end. He said it went on for 4 hours. Gary said he went home bummed that day. Gary said what you try to do is think about the worst case scenario and that day was just as bad as he thought it would be.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if the ''Mac-Hine'' thing bothers Gary at all. Gary said it really doesn't. He said that he's fascinated that it stuck. He said it's a game that 80 percent of people would fall for. Jon said he thinks it's because he was fooled on the radio. Gary said that's happened a lot though.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Howard brought up that bonus thing. He said that he's purchased 5 cars and he always wants to make sure they have Sirius on it. Gary said he really appreciates guys like that. Gary said that he's spoken to people who have like 3 radios in the house. Gary said that's awesome and he appreciates the support. Jon said that Howard likes Jim Meyer a lot but that bonus thing still bothers him.
Jon said the poll update is in. He said that 80 percent said that Gary did not give a shit gift. Jon said the people are with Gary on that one. Gary said that you have to find something that will resonate with Howard. He said that it's not about the money. He said Ralph always busts on him about that. He said Howard likes pens but you can't buy the guy the same thing every year. Jon said he could do that. Gary said he could but he wouldn't want to.
Jon wrapped up the show and got a plug in for today's Sternthology. They ended the show around 11:50am.
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Jon took a call from a guy who said he won one of Tom Arnold's Scholarships a couple of years ago. He said he wrote a paper and he got to meet Tom at a ceremony. He said what was interesting is that Tom bought him a drink and he was only 19 at the time. He said it was just a Coca Cola with a cherry in it. He said Tom brought him back to his room... Jon said now he's messing with him. He hung up on that guy and talked about how Tom gives two scholarships a year for the college he went to.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Bradley Cooper was nominated for an Academy Award. Jon said he did see that. He said the film is great. The caller asked if Jon thinks that all of the hype about the film affects the nominations. Jon said he thinks that there are a lot of politics behind it. He said he thinks Bradley earned it and deserves it. Jon said if he gets the win maybe they'll get the first Baba Booey on the Oscar stage.
The caller said he saw Jon on the Baseball channel recently and he thought he came off very well. Jon said he does stuff for the MLB channel once in a while. He said that was a lot of fun. Jon went to break after that.
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Jon took a call from a guy who said that it's nice of Gary to stop by his show. The caller asked if they think Howard is envious of Bradley Cooper being able to ride the subway without people bothering him. Gary said that Howard, Robin and Fred used to take the subway in from Queens. He said Howard didn't like it just because of what goes on with people on the subway. Gary said that you can tell Howard from just his silhouette. He said he's very tall. Gary said Bradley can kind of blend in. He said once you're over 6'4'' then you're going to be recognized. Jon said he thinks that Howard is kind of envious of that anonymity. He said that Howard can walk around in a crowd and New York City is the place to do that if you're going to.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked about Howard getting his extra hour of sleep and if they think they've seen a change in his mood. Gary said he isn't complaining so much about getting up early. Gary said that he used to get up at 10 after 4. He said that he'd be in the car at quarter after 5. Gary said he's only getting an extra 45 minutes of sleep now. He said it's all hard to explain but there are reasons for that. Jon said they're all trying to adapt to the new schedule.
Jon said he thinks that Howard was very comfortable until he tried to play the birthday gift Gary gave him. Gary said that once shit goes wrong then all bets are off no matter what the mod is.
Jon said he was wondering what would happen if Robin had given Howard what Gary did and Gary gave Howard what Robin did. Gary said he thinks that Howard may have said he can't use most of the painting supplies if he had given them to him.
Jon said Howard has always celebrated his birthday in one form or another. He said they used to hear from his mom from time to time. Jon played a clip from an old show where Howard talked to his mom about his birthday.
Gary said that clip was probably from around the WNBC time. He said that he and Robin were getting people to say happy birthday to Howard and they got Ed Koch to do one. He said he chased Billy Crystal around to do one too. He said he did one and that was a big deal. Gary said they'd play the IDs and they were awesome. He said he thinks they got Jay Leno to call in too. He said maybe Frank Stallone too. He said that's what the birthday shows used to be like.
Jon took a call from a woman who asked if they think Tom's wife is going to kill him for what he said about Malin Akerman. Jon said that he thinks Tom's wife talks to him before the show and their personal sexual exploits are what they leave off. Jon said he thinks Tom is mindful of that and it's fun to hear him wondering if he should say something or not. He said he doesn't think his marriage is in trouble or anything. Gary said he thinks that Tom has to be Tom Arnold or he may think no one will be interested in him. Gary said that he thinks everyone is in that position at some point where you can't talk about something. Gary said Stuttering John once talked about having anal sex and the next day he came in and said he was joking. He said it was clear that his wife told him not to talk about that stuff on the air.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the Ronnie Eye test was the funniest thing. He said that you can tell when Ronnie realizes what it spelled out. He said he laughed so hard he almost cried. Jon said he's not sure he even knew it that soon.
Jon asked Jon Leiberman what he thinks about that. Leiberman said that he can't say anything about eye sight because he has an implanted lens. They spent a minute on that and then Leiberman got in his Howard 100 News headlines. They went to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from Ralph Cirella who said speaking of Oscars he thinks that Birdman is a great movie. He said it got the most nominations tied with The Grand Budapest Hotel. Gary asked Ralph what he wanted to talk about today. Ralph said Gary said that he gives him shit for not spending a lot on a gift. Gary said he can quote him on something he said 9 or 10 years ago. Gary said he researched a vintage microphone and split it with Fred and Robin. He said that Ralph called in and asked why he didn't just buy it himself. Ralph said that has nothing to do with spending money or not. Ralph said that it's kind of lame to go in with 8 people on a gift. Gary said it was 3 people and it was a $2,000 gift. Jon asked Ralph if he is saying that splitting a gift is a cheap move. Ralph said maybe unless it's a car. He said going in on something is childish. Gary said it was an expensive gift and it was a little out of his league. Gary asked why going in on a gift is a bad idea. Jon said that it's worse because it was Robin and Fred who went in on it. He said the two of them could have picked it up on their own. Ralph said whatever he thinks doesn't matter. Gary said that's the most true thing he's said today. Gary asked Ralph what he gave Howard. Ralph said he can't say because he hasn't given it to him yet. They let Ralph go after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that they seem to be trying to rewrite history and make the show an interview show to lead Howard into an interview show. Jon said he thinks that the show has always been like that. Gary said that the magnitude of the guests has gone up. He said he has a person who may have said that they wouldn't do the show until hell freezes over and that person may be on the show.
Gary asked Jon if he thinks that anyone tells Kanye West about the Beetlejuice game they played or does it never come up. Jon said he thinks it never comes up in his world. Jon said Seth Rogen told them the story about Kanye performing in the back of his limo so maybe he can fill Kanye in about the game. They wrapped up the show after that. They were done around 11:35am.
Jon said a few things about Wrap Up now is that it's still him and Gary and they're making it a show for the fans to call in on. He said Howard isn't taking as many calls anymore. He said this show is for those fans. Jon said everyone is busy doing their thing making the show the best they can. He said that's the way it is and hopefully people will chime in more and more.
Jon said Gwyneth did a great job when she came in. He said she didn't come across as elitist like a lot of people say. He said that she mentioned that the way to end a fight with a spouse is to just give him a blow job. Jon said that's what he would choose to do. He spent a few more seconds talking about that and then took a break.
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Jon said that Howard and Gwyneth and Howard had a good conversation and they were all over the place. Gary said Howard talked about pleasuring himself to her mother. He said she was talking about just about everything too.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she always liked Gwyneth but she loves her even more now. She said she was so chill and she went along with everything. She said she also believes in giving blow jobs to defuse a situation. She said that she thinks most people don't like her because she's beautiful and cool. She said she was so excited that she was on the show. Gary said he has to say that after her interview was over he got an inordinate amount of email from women who were asking what she was really like. Gary said a lot of guys were asking if she's that hot too.
Jon said that Gwyneth had a lot of great things going for her and people are jealous of that. He said she seemed pretty grounded when she came in. Jon said Gary said the same thing when he met her before the interview. Gary said he walked into the green room and she looked really, really good.
Jon asked the caller where she stands on signing your man's penis. She said that was the worst. She said that Gwyneth was the best and that woman was the worst. She said she doesn't understand that whole thing. She said you either trust someone or let them go. The caller said she trusts someone that if they're with her then they want to be with her. She said not all women are like that.
Gary said he thinks the culprit in the whole thing is the guy. He said he should just walk away. Jon said there must be something there for him though. He said that he agrees that relationships are about trust. He said that they might be in the wrong relationship if that's what's going on. Gary said he knew a guy who was doing things like putting gum wrappers in the side door to see if anyone else was getting in her car. Gary said he told him he should just get out of he can't trust her.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's not a fan of Gwyneth's work but after that interview he thinks she came off pretty cool. He said that she's in the Stern camp and now he's a fan. Gary said he thinks that doing well on the show brings you into their fraternity. He said it makes people appreciate you. Gary said for her isn't like a badge of honor. Jon said he thinks the way she rolled with everything is what impressed everyone. He said Howard talking about jerking off to her mother could have gone two different ways. He said he thought it got better and better as it went on.
Gary said he would be that the longest you've seen Gwyneth talk is 5 minutes on any other show. He said Howard did an hour and 5 minute interview. He said there were no breaks. Gary said the interview ends when it ends. He said it's really something to do. Jon said he thought she handled the whole conscious uncoupling thing very well.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked where Jim Breuer has been. He said that he's probably got a 2 hour interview in him. Gary said he calls when he has something to promote. He said he might be saving it for a big special or something. Gary said he leaves it to those guys for when they want to promote something big.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he thinks Howard was off base with the CD player thing. He said he owes Scott and Gary an apology. Jon said he doesn't think that's coming. Gary said he understands the mistake. He said it's in a CD case and you don't expect a DVD to be in there. Gary said Howard just went to the second disc. He said Howard could have said that he was wrong but he's not expecting that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said the dick signer was hilarious. He said that she was talking about how she's the most secure person and then she goes and does stuff like that. Gary wondered if she would try to do that to another guy and if anyone would commit to doing that. Jon said he doesn't think many would. Jon said there must be a reason that he's going back to her. He said there must be some kind of mystical allure there.
Jon had Mike Hambrick give them his Howard 100 News headlines. Mike ran down a few and got in a plug for today's Leiberman Live. It's the season finale for Leiberman Live.
Jon got in a plug for today's Sternthology and played a clip from an old show when Will Smith called in. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said Gary plays trumpet on the show and he gets goofed on for his playing. Gary said he can sort of still read music but he never said he could play trumpet. He said he hasn't played since 8th grade. Gary said he's blowing on it and nothing is coming out.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's calling in to defend Richard Christy. He said he doesn't think that he's an alcoholic. He said that is something where you need to drink every day. He said Richard doesn't drink every day. He said he drinks for fun and enjoys it. He said it's not a progressive thing. He said he just drinks beer and has fun. The caller said that's what they do down in New Orleans where he's from. Gary asked if he's ever heard of a weekend alcoholic. Gary said he knows what this guy is saying but he doesn't think that he's a functioning alcoholic at work because he doesn't drink at work. Gary said once Thursday rolls around then he starts drinking and he does it every weekend. He said he thinks that Howard talks to him about his drinking because it could catch up to him some day. Jon said he hears what the caller is saying. He said Richard has it under control right now. He said that you can't come down on him too hard. Jon said he thinks that Richard will just get another liver if his goes bad. Jon said that's probably what Richard is thinking anyway. He said they're not that easy to come by though.
Jon said that they're going to wrap this up. He said that Monday is Martin Luther King Jr. day so they'll be playing some classic segments on the show. He played a preview clip of one of the segments that will be played. They wrapped up and ended the show around 11:45am.