|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Just How Gullible Is Sal? 06/16/08. 8:50am
Howard said he had some audio of Sal rapping. He said that someone dug that up from somewhere from when Sal was a kid. The first song was when Sal was calling himself ''Cool the Candy Rapper'' before he changed his name to G-man. Howard played the clip of Sal rapping and he was singing about how he's the best and singing about his name ''Candy Rapper.''
Artie said that was so embarrassing. He said he's glad he doesn't have anything like that on tape himself. Howard played another song that Sal performed and as soon as it started Artie said that it was giving him douche chills. The song started off with Sal saying ''Give me something to bug to...''
Howard said that Sal was probably thinking about making big money off of this song. They listened to a few more seconds of that and Howard said that he would have been better off calling himself ''Douche the Rapper'' instead of Candy the Rapper.
Howard played Sal's ''Take Me to Your Hip Hop House'' song next. It was another bad one. Howard and Artie goofed on him about that. Artie said that was another one of Sal's ''Get poor quick schemes.''
Howard took some phone calls and one guy said that he thought it was some pretty good rap there. Then he called Sal a ''such a fag.'' Artie wondered how much money Sal spent on getting that album made. Howard said he had to have spent over 10 grand on it. Sal came in a short time later and said that it was actually about 7 grand.
Sal said that he got scammed into some of that stuff. He said that he actually sent that shit out to some people and the guy told him it was hot. Then they charged him to make the album. He told Howard the story about how he got hooked up with that guy and then with the recording studio. He said that they had convinced him that he was going to be huge. Then they broke the news to him that they were going to charge him $7,500 to do it. He said that didn't make any sense to him because he thought he was going to be a star at the age of 16.
Howard told Sal that shows how stupid he is. Sal said he wasn't done yet. He said that he went to a legitimate recording studio and the guy didn't try to make him feel that great. He said that guy told him that it would cost him like $750 to record what he wanted to record. Then he went back to the other people who were obviously in cahoots with the recording studios. He said he told them that he could make the album for $750 but then the guy got upset that he went over his head. Sal said they sent him to another guy who said that he could do it cheaper.
Sal said that this guy made a call to another record company and they were going through a phony bidding war for him. This guy hooked him out there and gave him a price of $4,500. He paid that but it ended up coasting him even more. He said that he had to take out a loan to pay for it. Howard was laughing at Sal about all of that as he was telling the story.
Sal said the one thing that came out of that album is his ''Shake it'' song that Fred plays all the time. Fred played a little bit of that for him.
Sal said that he got his album made and then the record producer told him to have 500 copies made to send out to record companies. That cost him another thousand bucks. Howard laughed and told Sal he's an idiot. Sal said that he brought the 500 copies in two Bloomingdale's bags and dropped them off. The producer didn't even remember asking for them. Then the guy asked him where his 8x10s were. He wanted him to go out and get the pictures taken for another $700.
Sal said he went out to get the photos taken and that brought his total to over $6,000. Howard said that he's never met anyone who fell for stuff like that. Sal said there was more. He said he went to the photographer and the guy looked like he was smoking crack and stuff. He said that the guy had him setting up the room to take pictures. He had to tape the background down and stuff like that while the photographer was eating soup. He said the guy freaked out when he stepped on the paper and then had him using pencil erasers to remove the marks from his shoes.
Sal said that his mother ended up paying for all of this stuff for him. He said that the producer guy ended up forgetting that he had brought him the bags full of tapes. Howard said that he had helped the guy out by bringing them in bags that he could use for garbage. They goofed on Sal about that for a short time.
Sal told Howard that the guy was charging him for a bunch of stuff like publishing costs and stuff like that. That's how this all worked out to be around $7,000. He said that he never heard from the guy after he paid for the publishing costs. He said that he noticed that the guy wasn't in the paper about a year later and the guy had just changed his name.
Howard wondered if the producer guy even listened to the tape. Sal figured he didn't. Gary came in and said that he heard that Sal got really drunk at the second comedy show he did on Friday night. Sal said that he doesn't remember one word he said on stage during that show.
Shuli came in and said that Sal was rambling for 25 minutes on stage. He usually does a night tight set but not that one. Shuli said he went up on stage and tried to get rid of Sal. Bob Levy went up and yanked the microphone out of his hands and then Sal grabbed his mic and talked for another 2 minutes.
Howard played Bubba the Love Sponge's awful rap song that he made. He said that Bubba didn't have to pay someone to make his song though. Howard said that Bubba is better than Sal but not by much. Howard said that Bubba is a pisser. He said that you can make all the rap songs you want as long as you don't pay anyone like Sal did.
Howard said that he was never as gullible as Sal was. He said that Sal has an insane upbringing and that story shows you just how crazy it was. He said that he was spending thousands of dollars trying to become a star. He said that he knows enough to know that you don't pay someone to help make an album like Sal did.
Howard said that his parents would have looked at him like he was an idiot if he had asked for money to do something like Sal was doing.
Who Will Be America's Next Wack Packer. 08/03/06. 8:25am
After the break Howard got back to the America's Next Wack Packer contest he almost got to earlier. The contest was sponsored by GoldenPalace.net. They had a $5,000 prize ready to go. They narrowed down all of the entries to 3 finalists and Howard and the guys were going to vote on who they thought was the best.
Dennis, Mark and Toby were the three finalists. Howard said that Mark likes to be called Big Foot according to his notes. They had a Big Foot in the past but he actually passed away.
Howard spoke to Dennis who had a bit of a high pitched voice. He was in a wheelchair and had a ''penis looking thing'' attached to his mouth. Dennis said that he has 3 personalities. He described Dennis, Crazy Kenny and Denise as being the three personalities he has. He said people think he's a woman when he calls certain places. Dennis also told Howard that he's in a wheelchair because he was hit by a car at the age of 7, he's 27 now. He died after getting hit but he was brought back. He claims he saw the afterlife and a great white light. He said there was nothing and heard a voice tell him that he was to go back because they weren't ready for him. Robin asked him if he was sent back to become part of the Wack Pack. He said that must be the reason.
Dennis said that he can't move his legs and his arms are pretty much paralyzed. He was all over the place saying that he has to take Cialis to get a boner for his girlfriend. He also said ''fuck you'' to President Bush for stopping stem cell research because he thinks he could be cured some day from that research.
Howard asked Dennis about his hard ons and about taking a dump. Dennis said that someone has to ''dig him out'' because he can't poop on his own. He said he has some pretty hot nurses who help him out with that. He has someone come in every other day to do that for him. Gary asked him if they don't do that for him, does it just fall out or does it pack in there. Dennis said they have to dig it out or it gets stuck in there.
Dennis said that he has a girlfriend who has CP and he thought she was pretty hot. He said she's in a wheelchair herself. He said that most CP people are always drooling and they don't even realize that. Dennis said he has a monkey that goes everywhere with him. It's actually a nurse who pushes him around according to Gary. Dennis says that his nurse puts him on the bed and gives him some Cialis so he can get off. His girlfriend then jerks him off for a while. He said the boner lasted about 18 hours though.
Dennis said he's had prostitutes before and they've done him for hours. Artie gave some applause for the whores who are willing to do stuff like that. Big Foot Mark started to tell some stories and Howard said he thought Dennis was a shoe in for this thing but after hearing his voice he might just have a chance.
Howard said they were going to have to vote on all of these guys. He turned his attention to Big Foot Mark after that. The guy is 6'4'' tall and weighs 280 pounds and has a very interesting voice. He has a size 14 EEE shoe size. Artie asked why they were even going to continue the contest after hearing this guy. Mark said that he has problems with sleeping and has died 47 times during his sleep. He told some stories about prostitutes and Artie was laughing the whole time just because of the guy's voice. His stories weren't funny, it was just his voice. Artie said he wants to go out and get drunk with this guy.
Mark told the guys that he has a hotel room and the people are so scared of him that they refuse to clean his room. Artie was still laughing his ass off at this guy. Howard asked Mark why he wants to be a Wack Packer. Mark said he's had some legal problems and spent some time in prison. As he was talking Fred played the ''I like to kill deer'' clip that they pulled from a David Lynch ring tone. Artie cracked up even more.
Mark continued to tell stories about going to jail and how he had a guy suck on his cock there. He said he wasn't forced to do that, he was pretty willing to do just about anything. He said he gets ''leared'' into doing just about anything, he might even jump off a bridge if he was asked to.
Howard read that Mark was once dragged by a car one time. Mark told that story and how he held onto a car door handle and almost got run over by the car. Robin asked Mark if he's done drugs. Mark said he used to do just about any drug including lighter fluid in a plastic bag. Howard asked him what that was all about. He would snort the fumes from the fluid and he would get high off of that.
Howard said that Mark and Dennis were good but they had to get to one more guy. Artie really liked Big Foot Mark. Howard asked him if he would feel bad about beating this quadriplegic guy. Mark said he wouldn't feel bad about beating anyone.
Toby was up next. He was portrayed in American Splendor and Killer Nerd back in 1991. Artie was laughing his ass off again as he was talking. Howard asked Toby if he considers himself a nerd. Toby said he does feel that he might be a nerd because he was goofed on back when he was in school. Artie gave him a big ''Wah!'' when he was talking about the problems he had back in school.
Toby said he had a problem in school one time and went after a guy with a hammer. He said his teacher had to stop him before he did something. He said that he knew Harvey Pekar and that's how he ended up in the movie American Splendor.
Howard asked Toby how he got into this whole thing. He said a guy submitted a DVD with him on it and that's how he got there. He told Howard that he's a gay man and he has a boyfriend at this point. He said he's know that he was gay since the age of about 12. He doesn't have to go looking for other guys because he is in a relationship. He said that he has taken it up the ass and he has given oral to guys.
Gary said they heard that Toby has a pretty big penis. Toby said he has about 8 inches and there will be a easter egg scene in the DVD release of ''Abhoration Boulevard'' where he appears as a baby and has his diaper changed.
Howard said that he's been around doing this stuff for a long time and he was very happy with the three finalists they had. He said they did have to pick just one of the three to win the money though. Howard asked Toby if he has some kind of affliction because he is kind of unusual. Toby said something about a disease called ''Asperger's'' or something like that but they thought he was saying ''Ass burgers.''
Howard asked Dennis why he wants to be a Wack Packer. Dennis said he wanted to do some crazy stuff on the show. Mark said he wanted to be one so he can have an apartment building to help people out. Toby said he has an unusual take on things so that's why he wants to be one.
Howard had Gary give his vote for the winner. Gary said that he really has to go with Big Foot even though the other two are good. Robin said that all three deserve to win but she had to go with Big Foot as Gary did. Howard took some phone calls and one guy said that Big Foot was the funniest guy there. Captain Janks said the first guy threw up when he heard Dennis talking about jerking off. Zolar said that Big Foot sounds like the best guy to him. High Pitch Eric said he would like to see Dennis win because his voice is almost the same.
Artie said that he had a definite answer today and that's unusual for him. He told Dennis to go home and maybe they'll check in with him. Toby has already been discovered so he had to go with Big Foot. Fred said he agrees with Artie and Toby is already in show business and he's too ''polished'' to be a Wack Packer. Fred was also afraid they'd lose Dennis if he was the next Wack Packer. Dennis said he's not going to die like Fred thought.
Howard had the final vote and said he could overrule them all but he was going to go with Big Foot like everyone else had. He thought that maybe they could have him do a one hour radio show to replace Riley Martin. Artie said he wants to see Big Foot get that apartment building he was talking about. Howard congratulated Big Foot on his win.
Howard said the best thing he saw was Big Foot trying to shake Dennis' hand when he has no movement in his arms. He gave Dennis a $500 prize but that was the final prize he had so Toby had no prize. Gary said that they'd try to find something for him. Howard also said that he wanted to change Big Foot's name since they already had a Big Foot on the show. He was thinking of calling him Sasquatch or something like that.
Howard wrapped up with everyone and thanked them all for coming in. He told Big Foot that he'll probably be on a lot of shows now and he's very happy to have him as part of the family. He also hopes to hear from Toby and Dennis in the future. He was still trying to come up with names for Big Foot like ''Grizzly Moron'' but he's not sure what he's going to do yet. He let them go and went to break.
Sacramento's New ''Howard 93.7'' KHWD. 02/06/04. 6:40am
After the break Howard mentioned the Sacramento station again that changed it's call letters to KHWD. He had their board operator on the line and he said that they're at 93.7 out there. He also told Howard that they call it ''Howard 93.7'' when they announce the call letters. Howard said they're doing the right thing out there and all of radio should be called ''Howard.'' Howard said his name should be linked to radio like Kleenex is to facial tissue. Howard said people should say that they're ''Listening to the Howard'' when they're listening to the radio.
Howard wondered who the genius was out there who came up with that idea. The board op said that the guy's name was Byron Kennedy. Howard said that's something they should have done on his own station in New York but Tom would never come up with something like that. He said the idea there is to get that station on the top of their minds. Howard said that they could call it ''Stern 92.3'' or something like that. He said he's insulted every day by the station he works at. Howard said he's very honored by what that station did. Howard wished Ned luck out there with their new format.
Howard wanted to hear some of the promos they have running out there. Ned played a couple for him and Howard seemed blown away by that. He said he never even dreamed that someone would name a radio station after him. Robin told him to call his dad to let him know what's going on. Howard said he doesn't need to know about that. Robin reminded him that his father is the one who didn't think he could even be in radio.
Howard wanted to hear one more promo before he got off the line with the board op. He said that he wants to talk to this guy Byron Kennedy out there at that station. Ned said that Byron is the program director for two stations in Sacramento. Howard said that he's looking for someone to run his corporation and he might need that guy to run it.
Howard and the guys talked about how empty Tom Chiusano's head is when it comes to stuff like that. Howard said that Tom has an in-box but it's always empty. Tom came in a short time later. Howard asked him why he never came up with the idea to change the call letters to something with his name in it. Tom said he could see it now, WHWD... Howard said he even likes Stern 92.3. He thought that was a brilliant move on that station's part.
Fight Week - Jackie Stallone vs. Ex Husband, May 21, 1992. 04/14/09. 10:25am
Next up was a classic fight from the show where Jackie Stallone and her ex-husband fought on the air. Here's what happened:
Howard had Jackie Stallone in the studio and Gary came in a short time after he mentioned that her ex-husband had called them recently and said that Frank Stallone Sr. was on the phone.
Howard took the call and both Frank Sr. and Jackie ended up getting into a fight and calling each other names. Jackie was using the F-word and cursing him out saying he couldn't fuck and things like that.
The two of them were going at each other cursing and talking about how much they hate each other. Jackie said that Frank actually wanted her to have an abortion with Sylvester. She said she really can't stand that bastard. Frank didn't last long on the phone before he hung up.
Howard said that Jackie and Frank are probably right in their own ways. He said that there are two sides in every story. Jackie said that Frank didn't want Sylvester. She said that he beat the family and he never gave them a cent of support. She said that he was a real creep.
Howard said that he has to get Jackie and Frank Sr. on his TV show to have a People's Court type of thing. Jackie said she would kill him if he were there.
Jackie said she doesn't like Frank Sr. and she never got a cent from him. She said that he claims that he sent them money but he never did.
Jackie talked about some of the crazy things that happened with her and Frank when they got married. She said that he would make her do stuff she didn't know how to do like canning tomatoes and stuff. She said that she did that and all of the lids blew off. She said that he used to cut the heads off of goats that they had as pets and then he'd make them eat it. She said that was the kind of crazy stuff he used to make them do.
Jackie said that the 19 year old he's with has to be a dummy. She said that he's got nothing to give a 19 year old. Jackie said that the kids hate Frank too. She said that they despise him. They wrapped that up a short time later.
Wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin Comes In. 2/22/99. 7:00am
WWF wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin came in to promote a couple of things this morning. Steve will be appearing in this week's episode of ''Nash Bridges'' with Don Johnson, Cheech Marin and Yasmeen Bleeth. He was also promoting Wrestle Mania 15 which will air March 28 on Pay-Per-View. Howard found out that Steve is about to get a divorce from his wife. His wife just decided this about a month ago. Steve said that his hectic schedule of being on the road for about 200 days a year is what did in the marriage. This is his second marriage. He said that his first marriage was to a high school sweetheart and it just didn't work out. Now this one has failed but he's looking forward to all of the women he'll be able to date now that he's become so famous in the WWF Wrestling world. When Howard asked Steve about using steroids he said that in his younger days he did but now he's gotten smarter and stopped. Plus, he said that the WWF has strict rules against using stuff like that. Steve said that he's making well over $2 Million a year in the business. Steve's Public Relations person, Marisa, was with him and Gary told Howard she was pretty hot looking so Howard had her come in. It turns out that Marisa is married to Shane McMahon, the son of the guy who runs the WWF, Vince McMahon. Howard spoke to her a little bit and found out that she was a neighbor of the McMahon's and that's how she met her husband. Howard took a bunch of phone calls for Steve before he left. There were a couple of nuts on the phone. One woman went nuts when she got on the air. She was yelling and screaming about how great Steve is. Fred the Elephant Boy also called in. Fred is a huge wrestling fan and even knows Steve. Fred says that Steve is his favorite wrestler. Fred hangs around with these wrestlers all the time. Howard told Steve that Fred goes both ways and wondered if he hangs out in the locker room watching the guys get dressed or not. Elephant Boy denied that he goes both ways anymore. There were a few guys who showed up at the station to meet Steve so Howard brought them into the studio to introduce them. The first guy was like a 15 year old kid. He was really nervous and hardly looked at Stone Cold Steve. He's a huge fan but he was stumped when he met the guy. The second guy was an 33 year old who didn't have much to say other than he wanted to meet both Steve and Howard. The last guy was an 18 year old who wants to become a wrestler himself. He said that he's going to some wrestling school to learn the ropes. Howard had him take off his shirt to show off his wrestler's body but it turned out to be just fat. Howard said the guy had very feminine breasts. Steve told the guy he could use some time in the gym to get in shape. Steve said that he'll be doing the Regis and Kathie Lee show today then he'll be heading back to San Antonio, TX to grab some more of his stuff from his house before he gets divorced.
Bobo's Treasure Trade. 08/22/12. 7:20am
Howard said that everyone is excited about this Bobo's Treasure Trade thing. Howard said this is happening right now. Howard had Bobo in the studio and he's very nervous about this. He said he was up there for two days practicing. Howard said he has this basement shrine to the Howard Stern Show. Howard said it's packed with everything from their history. He said it's a lot of shitty stuff. He has posters and everything he can get related to the show. Howard said it's really weird. Bobo said it's a change up from the docks.
Howard asked Bobo what the show means to him. Bobo said it means everything. He said it brings him so much joy in his life. He said he has had a divorce and it's been tough through the years and the show helps. He said the show means everything to him. He said it's like an extended family. Howard said it's almost like a motorcycle gang. Bobo said that's exactly what it is.
Howard asked Bobo if there's anything about the show he doesn't understand since he has such a low IQ. Bobo said he understands it just fine. Howard said he has an 86 IQ. Howard said he emailed Richie Wilson the other day asking him for his email address. Howard asked how that happens. Bobo said he called him and asked him. Richie came in and said he forwarded his email to Will and he saw it. He did email him asking him for his email address.
Bobo said he's mentally exhausted from this thing. Howard asked how he does that. Bobo said he doesn't remember doing that. He remembers calling and asking for it.
Howard said Bobo has a bunch of his treasured items from his shrine. Bobo said he has the Private Parts book and that's the most valuable to him. He said he has Howard's signature and his parents and Gary's mom's too. He said he has Butt Bongo Fiesta there and he has the channel 9 shows on tape. He taped them himself. Howard asked if he ever puts them in and watches them. Bobo said he does. Howard said he tries to avoid those shows.
Bobo said he has a lot of tapes of his phone calls from the past years. Bobo said he has the Miss America Book that was signed too. Howard said he has everything wrapped in plastic. Bobo said he has a cigarette lighter from when Howard ran for governor. He said he has this thing from the last day at K-Rock. He had the ID tags from when he got upstairs for that day.
Howard said Bobo has shown them some of this stuff and asked him what would be the hardest to part with. Bobo said that the Leroy Neiman poster might be the hardest. He said that Howard signed it for him.
Howard said he's going to direct Bobo's attention to the table in the studio. They have numbers on the items there and they are all in black. Howard said that they have 34 items there. Howard said that they feel that all of the items are valuable. He said that they're all Howard Stern Show items. Howard said they are very valuable and he could potentially win them. Howard had the guys reveal what was behind number 12. The item was Robin's bra. The one she wore and showed on the old E! show. Howard asked Bobo if he could imagine that hanging in his shrine. Howard asked if that's more valuable than his Leroy Neiman poster. Bobo said no. He said he would love to have it but he's not sure what he would trade off for it.
Howard said he will give Bobo the bra if he does the following. Howard said he can pass on this but he could get this item. He said he will have to have Sal come in there and do clown paint on his face with his penis. Howard said he could have Robin's bra if he lets Sal paint his face with his penis. Bobo said he thinks he's going to move on. Howard said he may not have a lot of options here. He said he has to work for this stuff. Bobo asked if he could go for more stuff if he does that one thing. Howard said of course he can. Bobo agreed to let Sal paint his face then.
Howard had Sal come in to paint Bobo's face. Sal had paint and put it on his penis to paint Bobo's face. Bobo was freaking out while Sal did the painting. Sal said he looks like Rudolph. He got some of the paint on his lips. Howard told Sal to get away from him. Bobo said he doesn't know if that was worth it. Richie told him it's not really Robin's bra but Howard assured him it was.
Howard said that was a lot to go through. He moved on to the next item which was number 13. Howard said he can't believe they're offering it to him. It was the OJ mask. Howard said Neil Drake used to wear that on the show all the time. Howard said no one has the OJ Mask other than them. He said they have two and one of them can be Bobo's. Bobo said that would enhance his shrine big time. Howard said he'll ask Bobo one trivia question and if he gets it right he'll give him the mask. If he gets it wrong he loses his Leroy Neiman poster. Bobo said he can't do that. Howard said the OJ mask is a one of a kind thing. Howard said a lot of people have that poster. Bobo said that not everyone has the poster framed and signed. Howard said he'll trade him the OJ Mask for his toupee. Bobo said no to that too. Howard told them to put away the mask. He won't give that to Bobo. Howard said the question he was going to ask was ''Spell hare (as in a rabbit).'' Bobo didn't know that rabbits were called hare. Bobo said that he'd spell it HARE. Howard said he would have had the mask. Bobo said that was a risky one. Howard said that's the game. He has to risk some stuff.
Howard said he has a really good one next. Howard had them show what was behind number 32. They pulled out the tickle chair. Howard said he could put this in his shrine and make his calls from the chair. Howard said Mariann Menounos and Jenny McCarthy have both been in that chair. Gary said Nikki Ziering was in the chair too. He said Carmen Electra may have been in it too. Howard asked if he would trade him his poster for that. Bobo said that's a tough one. Howard asked if he'd do a stunt for the chair. Bobo said he'd rather do that. Howard went to his list of stunts. Bobo wasn't sure how he was going to get it home. Howard said he's sure Tim Sabean could figure it out. He said Tim figured out how to shit all over the walls so he could figure out how to get that to Bobo's house.
Howard said that Bobo can get a chocolate bandit mask or Sal shaves his pubes and makes him a pubic hair moustache. Howard said he could also have Bobo shave his eyebrows. Howard said he has to wear the moustache until he leaves the studio. Then he said he has to wear it for a year. Howard said he has to wear it until he gets home. Howard said he's going to go with the moustache thing. Robin suggested that they do that one first. Howard asked Bobo if he was willing to do that. Bobo didn't sound like he was into it. Bobo said he has to do this for the show. Howard said he has to do it for himself. He will own Sal's pubes as a bonus.
Howard had Richard and Sal come in. Richard was going to shave Sal with an electric shaver. Howard said Sal's pubes are very short. Richard said he can wear his too. Howard said neither one has pubes. Howard told them to give him a nice, solid moustache. Richard shaved Sal first. The shaver was pretty loud and they were shaving off quite a bit of hair for the moustache. Sal got some ass hair in there too. Bobo said no ass hair. Howard said Bobo has limits all of a sudden. They put the glue on Bobo's face and then gave him the moustache. Sal said they were going to give him a Hitler moustache. They got some on his lip. Bobo said they got it in his mouth. Howard took a look and it didn't look so bad to him. He had them get some more hair. Howard said a crab just crawled up his nose. Fred was playing ''Flight of the Bumble Bee'' while this was going on.
Sal and Richard put more hair on Bobo and he started freaking out spitting out the hair they got in his mouth. Everyone was cracking up. Robin said it looks like Gary's moustache. Howard said Sal was getting more pubes. Howard said that was enough. Sal said he just wanted a little more on the end. Howard said they gave him a full moustache. They got hair all over the microphone. Howard was cracking up while Bobo was spitting. Richard said the moustache looks better than the toupee. Robin said it looks like Gary's and it doesn't look bad.
Howard said he has a lot of other items and stunts to do. Howard said he has won the tickle chair. Bobo asked if he has any cash. Howard said he doesn't. He said this is for Howard Stern stuff. Howard said they have the tombstone that freaked him out. He said it's a one of a kind thing. Howard asked Bobo if he wants that. Bobo said it's too creepy for him. He said he can't imagine Howard like that.
Howard had the guys show Bobo Gary's Beekeeper mask. Bobo sounded excited about that. Howard asked if he wanted to play for that. Bobo said he'd play for that. He said they also have four original carts from K-Rock. Howard said he'll throw them in with the mask. Bobo said sure to that too. Howard said he has to eat his own foot for that. Bobo laughed. Howard said he has to give him his toupee. Bobo said he can't do that. Howard said he'll give him one other thing. Sal takes his balls and dips them in chocolate and gives him a chocolate bandit mask. Either that or he shaves off his eyebrows completely. Bobo said he would do the eyebrows. Then he had a second thought and said he has to teach a class so he can't do that. Howard said Bobo is going to shave off his eyebrows now. Bobo just said ''Oh god...'' Richie went in with the shaver and cut off the eyebrows. Howard said he won that prize too. Howard said he has done very well today. Howard said he has a shrine that everyone will envy now.
Howard took a call from a guy who congratulated him on the win. He asked if they could post some pictures on Twitter of Bobo's face. Howard asked if they're going to put them up on HowardStern.com. Jason said he'd have them up soon.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked how he can designate a whole segment to this guy. The caller said he's a stupid mother fucker. Bobo said that he should respect him. Richie said he wants them to respect him and look at him. Bobo said he's a Superfan and he should respect him. The caller said he's just a dumb ass. Bobo told him to go back to his job. Bobo said he got this fabulous prizes.
Wheels called in and said that Bobo is the biggest ass kissing caller. He said he has an IQ of 86 and he's a loser. Howard said he can call him all the names he wants but Bobo has Sal's pubes under his nose right now. Howard said Bobo won the bra, the beekeeper mask and the tickle chair. Howard said they were going to throw this stuff out but they found a place for them in Bobo's basement.
Howard asked Bobo if he wants to plug anything. Bobo said he's trying to get rear seat belt laws passed in the state. The guys were talking about that when Howard TV replayed some of the footage of Bobo getting his moustache. Howard said that the governor should pay attention to the guy who is trying to get the seat belt laws passed. They went to break a short time later.
THoHS:A4 - Riley Martin's First Visit. 12/21/10. 7:20am
Next up we heard Jim Forbes talking about Riley Martin's first call to the show. They played that audio next.
In the clip Riley didn't remember that he had called them the day before telling them about his alien abduction. Gary said that he called him and he said he'd call him back the next day. Riley then went on to tell Howard about his alien experiences and Howard muted his voice so they could listen into Riley's ramblings. They goofed on him as he was going on and on about his abduction. Howard checked in once in a while just to rev Riley up to keep him talking.
Howard figured that Riley was on disability. He asked Riley how he makes a living. Riley said that he works. He said he does carpentry and odd jobs. He said he used to be a bare knuckle fighter.
Riley started to go on and on about the aliens again and told Howard about where they're located and how they get around. Howard just laughed. He muted his voice again so Riley couldn't hear him.
Howard asked Riley what the aliens look like and Riley gave him a detailed description. Howard said this guy can go on and on forever. Howard wondered if he should have Riley come into the studio. He wasn't sure he wanted to do that. Riley asked if he loves him or not. Howard did seem to love his laugh and his way of speaking. Howard asked Riley about the time he spent in jail. Riley said he was in for about 12 months. Riley said he never killed anyone.
After that clip we heard from Jerry O'Connell who did an impression of Riley. Jerry said he has a friend who is a fan of the show, Jerry Miner, who loves Riley too. He said that he's classic and amazing.
Ralph Cirella also talked about how great Riley is and how he's become a character and a voice. He said he doesn't even care what he has to say, it's all about his voice. Ralph said he felt the same about Richard Christy because he had that voice that he has.
Robin said it was surprising to see Riley in the flesh. She said that he showed up with the grey hair and the Indian head band and all of that. She said that you think something happened to him but you're not sure what it was.
Mike Gange also talked about the first time Riley came on the show and how he was sitting in the green room being very angry. He's still very angry to this day. Mike said that he was asking him questions off the air and Riley was calling him an idiot. He said that he thinks he was really pissed that Howard didn't get to him right away. He may have sat in the green room for like a half hour and he took it out on him and on Gary and anyone else around. That led to them playing a clip from that first visit. Here's my write up from that day:
Riley the UFO guy comes in. 7/31/96.
This guy was amazing. He believes his own stories so much that he almost convinced me that aliens are living among us. This guy, Riley, called in recently babbling on and on about aliens and UFO's. Howard was interested in seeing this guy so he invited him down to the studio. What a great idea... Riley came in and didn't shut up for about a half an hour! He was like the Energizer Bunny of wacko's. He just kept talking and talking and talking. But it was really entertaining. The way he talked was mesmerizing. Everything he said sounded almost legitimate. But when you find out that he's written a book about his experiences with these aliens you can see that he's just a good story teller. The book, The Coming of Tan, is available by calling 609-397-8446. Riley's last name just happens to be Martin...very close to Martian...hmmmm. Riley says that the aliens came here 42,000 years ago and mated with humans. Apparently there are millions of alien descendants walking this planet we call Earth...according to Riley of course. Riley also says that the aliens are going to come here in 15 years to save any humans that want to be saved from our dying planet. He said that it's up to each individual whether or not they go with the aliens. Riley claims that NASA and the Japanese have come to Riley about his book. These aliens are from the planet Biavi (bee ah' vee) and they are known as Biavians by Riley. Riley went in to details about their propulsion system and how far away the planet is etc. What an imagination this guy has. In 1964 Riley had sex with one of these aliens and he's got about 6 alien children...wow. Riley has a few followers also. Two of them were with him at the studio along with the publisher of his book. If you want to see what one of these Biavians looks like just get the latest issue of Penthouse Magazine. Penthouse has photos of aliens in it and Riley said that they are Biavian!
Benjy said it's been a long time that he's been calling the show. He said most of the alien stuff with the tickets and all of that seem to be gone. He said he misses that aspect of it.
Jon asked if he's saying that he doesn't believe it or he just can't disprove it. Benjy said he thinks that there is life elsewhere and we're aliens too to someone.
Jon said JD is there and he did a good job live tweeting the VMAs last night. Benjy asked what his best tweet was. JD said he recorded video of this guy Riff Raff and he's an odd looking guy. He said he looks ridiculous. JD said he was in the front row and at one point Ariana Grande went to get an award and she skipped giving him a hand slap as she walked by. He said that was a video he posted.
Benjy asked if he volunteered to do that. JD said he has to watch them for work and a lot of times he's sitting at his TV and yelling at it. He said he can vent on Twitter too. JD said he was going to do it either way. He said he volunteered to do it for the @SternShow twitter account instead of his personal account.
Jon said he thought JD did a good job. He picked up a call from a guy who said that Bobo is supposed to be a big fan of the show and he was asking for cash in that segment. Jon said Bobo is a real fan but you have to pay your bills. He said he can understand why he'd want money. He said that there isn't anyone more extreme than Bobo. He said there may be some that are close but not more extreme.
Benjy said he thinks that it diminishes it slightly that he sold the tickle chair. Jon said they were surprised about that in the office. He said he thinks that it tortures him to this day. Benjy said he got money from it though.
The caller said he misses Artie too. He said that Big Foot segment was great with Artie cracking up. Jon said they all miss him a lot.
The caller also asked about Sal getting a loan at 16. Jon said he's not sure how that worked but maybe it was off the books.
Jon said there are a lot of shitty people out there who will take advantage of a kid like that. He said you can fault Sal for that but it's not all his fault. He said there are just people who scam and Sal got scammed. Jon said he thinks Sal has learned his lesson from that. He said he wishes he was there so he could talk to him about that. Jon said he knows that his dream lived in the movie Jersey Shore Massacre. JD said Sal was living his dream in that role. Jon said it's good for him but he shouldn't pretend that it isn't still in his mind that he wanted to be a rap star.
Benjy said he liked that song where Sal sings ''Shake, shake, shake...'' He said it's a good song. He said they could have changes his voice slightly but the song was fun.
JD said music is subjective. Jon said the VMAs show that. He said that he doesn't know what's going on there.
Benjy said that he saw JD posted that he was at a bar when he was tweeting. He asked if he was there with his girlfriend. JD said she was on her way home actually. Jon asked who picks the place to go. JD said he'll suggest it sometimes and she will make the decision too. JD said that he has suggested places and she'll go sometimes. Jon asked if he'll say no to her or just go along and make her happy. JD said he has turned down Indian food. He said he doesn't like spicy food. He said he'll eventually break down and go. JD said they like all types of food.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's not a big Fantasy Football player but he gave them some information about players he drafted and how he was offered a trade. Jon said this really isn't the right channel for that conversation. The caller kept giving them more and more information about his drafts. Jon and JD gave him some advice on what to do. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Big Foot and the Wack Pack contest. He said he took on Dennis and Toby. He said that Toby was the nerd from American Splendor. He said Big Foot never fails to disappoint. He said that he was part of the Jersey Shore Massacre movie too. He said everyone seems to think he's a big presence when he's in the studio. JD said his command of the English language is something else.
Jon asked if he has ever felt worried by Big Foot. Benjy said he hasn't really. He said that Artie was a huge proponent of him from the start. He said they've never tested his IQ but he thinks he might have a normal intelligence. He said he was talking about Ukraine and he knew about the war over there. Jon said he was on Leiberman Live talking about that. He said Jon Leiberman might know more about how he comes across on his show.
Jon took a call from Captain Janks who said that he came out of retirement. JD said he knows. He said he has to pull the call later. Jon said that Janks is the Brett Favre of prank calls. He keeps coming out of retirement. Janks said when he came out of the closet he wanted to fade away a little bit but he has to come out and do the calls when something big happens in the news. He said he does it when there are big news stories like an earthquake. He said he wanted to make sure no one was killed before he called in.
Jon asked Janks if he thinks they should be better at this now or will they never be able to do that. Janks said they want the story so bad they don't check their sources. Janks said he got a call from CNN later who were calling him to book him for another show. He said they didn't realize it was a prank call.
Janks said he is out of retirement and he is back on Twitter @Capt_Janks. Jon asked if he's dating yet. Janks said that he's on EHarmony now but he hasn't dated anyone yet. Jon said he is out of retirement once again and he may strike again.
Janks said he may make another call like he did over the weekend. He said as long as it doesn't interfere with his day job he may do it. JD asked if he's just doing CNN and MSNBC or is he doing anything. Janks said he'll do it on any network. He said he has people looking out for him and letting him know who to call.
Jon said that Jon Leiberman is in there so he wanted to ask about the Janks stuff. Leiberman said that he knows what it's like to get an expert on the air and he knows how much pressure there is. He said that's why they put Janks on the air. He said he knows how to talk to the bookers on those shows. He said that they're trying to cover breaking news and they're not thinking about being pranked.
Benjy asked if he thinks that it's immoral to do what Janks does. Leiberman said that it's not his place to judge. He said there are times when it's more inappropriate than others. Benjy asked if he would tell him to stop doing it. Leiberman said he wouldn't tell him to stop. He said he does cringe when he hears it as a news professional. They went to break after that.
Jon said that it might not be the same with someone like Scott the Engineer. JD said that they experienced it when Julie Benz was in there on the Wrap Up Show. Scott wanted to meet her really bad.
Jon asked Jon Leiberman about Big Foot and what he thinks his intelligence is. Leiberman said he thinks that he's very aware of a lot of the news. He said he is able to get some of that out when he's on his show. He said Big Foot does try to keep up on that stuff. Benjy said he thinks he has paranoia and mental issues but he thinks that he has normal intelligence. Leiberman said he has spent a lot of time with him and he is on medication. Jon said he says he smokes a lot of the time too. Leiberman said he spent 3 months in a mental institution. He said that he is intelligent but that's impacted by a lot of things.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he has been listening to the show for a long time. He said he has been listening since he was in 8th grade and he's 36 now. He said the old tapes bring back great memories. He said that Howard has matured and he thinks it sucks. He said he loved the old fart jokes and stuff like that. He said now he's wondering where that went. Jon said that they have talked about it many times. He said Howard is in a different part of his life and he's changed. Jon said he's talking about the stuff he's doing these days and that's what the show has always been about. He said people change and evolve. He said some people have come and gone and Howard still stays relevant. He said that he's commenting on what's going on in his life. He said you won't find a better interviewer out there. He said you won't love everything you hear. He said they all agree that it's great stuff that brings you back to a time when you were in a different space in your own life. Jon said it's different and new and hopefully you continue to dig it. He said that last week they had Big Foot in there and a bunch of other stuff. He said every day he doesn't know what's going to happen. He said it can be such a wide range of things they do on the show. Jon said there's just so much going on. He said you never know where it's going to go and that's why the show works for him.
Jon said he hopes the caller listens to the Mammary Lane stuff this week. He said that they have a lot of old segments they're replaying and they're based on what people ask to hear.
Benjy said he wanted to know why Jon said ''dig'' a couple of times in the speech he made. Jon said he has said it before but it's not a regular thing. Benjy wondered if it's because Howard used to say it in the past segments. Jon said maybe that's it.
Leiberman said he heard it too and he's glad Benjy brought it up. He also said that Big Foot is a really likeable guy. He said he hung out with him and he's just a nice guy. He said he was shocked when he heard about him trying to stab a police officer with a sword. He said he's never had a temper when he's been around him.
Jon said they also like Fred the Elephant Boy. Leiberman said that Fred is very intelligent. He said if he could communicate the way he'd like to you'd hear that. He said he likes to read and he is very intelligent.
Jon asked who is the least intelligent of his Wack Pack guests. Leiberman said that Eric the Actor is very up on the news and so is Mariann. He said Ass Napkin Ed is one of the least intelligent or he plays it that way. He said that Ed comes off as the least intelligent.
JD asked about Tan Mom. Leiberman said if you catch her on the right day then she's intelligent. He said he gets the feeling that she lets it all out when she has a forum to do it. Benjy said he thinks that Ed is making jokes and that's why he comes off that way. Jon said that's why you should listen to Leiberman Live at 4:45pm.
Jon asked Leiberman to give them a Howard 100 News preview. Leiberman ran down some of the headlines they had today.
Jon asked Leiberman if he misses being out in the field doing reporting. He asked about what's going on in Ferguson, Missouri too. They spent a little time talking about that.
Jon wrapped up the show and had the guys get in their plugs. They ended the show around 11:15am.
The Miss Black Howard Stern Pageant. 03/29/07. 8:00am
Howard came back from break as Fred had a Jimi Hendrix song playing. Howard said that Jimi would have loved Miss Black Howard Stern. He got right into that and said that the contest has a $5,000 grand prize which is courtesy of Clips4Sale.com. He then sang a little bit of the Miss Black Howard Stern theme song. He said they have pictures of the girls up on his web site.
Howard introduced the judges who were there. King of All Blacks was there so Howard spoke to him for a few seconds. King said he's lost a few pounds but he knows that Howard will never think he lost anything. He asked Howard to stand up and show him how thin he is. Howard did that and then introduced the next guy, Bintell Powell who was on the show one other time promoting his book ''Betrayed.'' Howard talked to him a little bit.
Robin told Bintell that King had a nose job trying to look more white. Bintell said he was embarrassed to know him if that was the case. Bintell is against that kind of stuff. He and King talked about the nose job and changing looks to fit in like that. Howard asked King if he could take a pill, and turn white tomorrow, would he do that. King said he would never do that. He said he wants to be black. He was also talking about how he has some straight hair on his arms and stuff because he's from Barbados. Bintell thought he was nuts and said he has some straight hair on his arms too. King said he's been thinking like that since he was born.
King was saying that the only reason he married a Spanish girl is because he wanted good hair on his kids if he had any. Bintell said that King saying all of that was selling books for him. Howard gave him another plug for that and let King and Bintell go at each other a little more. King was saying some stuff that Bintell didn't agree with. King was saying it's great to be black but have white people hair. He said his daughter has great hair because it's kind of straight with just a little kink in it.
Howard asked Xica about her lesbian lover and found out how she met her current woman. She said she hasn't had a man in 2 years now. She said she hasn't seen a man that's worth it. Howard asked her about Bintell. She said he looks like a Shakazulu member and she'd let him get a spear and hunt her down. Howard asked her if she would take a pill that would turn her white if they had one. She said she wouldn't do that. She likes being black. Howard asked her what shade of black is what she prefers. She said that someone like Naomi Campbell is what she likes. Howard asked her what celebrity represents black people best. She said Martin Luther King but the guys thought that was a lame answer. She mentioned a couple of other black celebrities like Will Smith instead.
Howard asked Xica if she thinks blacks should be given reparations for slavery. She said they've already been given so much that she doesn't think they need more. After that Howard said he was going to move on to the talent portion of the competition. She was going to dance and then fold herself into a cardboard box. She had to take her boots off so King was happy that he was going to see her feet since he's such a foot fan. Xica did her thing and sang Amazing Grace for the guys. She was contorting herself into the box as she was singing according to Howard. Fred was laughing as that was going on.
Howard told her that was very nice and then asked Bintell to give her a score between 1 and 10. She was still contorting herself so Howard had to have her stop. Bintell thought about his score and gave her a 6. Artie thought that was kind of harsh. Bintell said he didn't appreciate her using that song the way she did. She said they gave it to her and she didn't use the lyrics they gave her either. Bintell said he had to revise the score and gave her an 8.5. King of All Blacks said that he didn't like the girl on girl stuff but she was beautiful so he gave her a 7. Robin gave her a 7.5, Gary gave her a 7, Artie gave her an 8 and Fred gave her an 8.
Gary was arguing with King about the flab on Xica's ass. King was saying he likes the way she looks and he thought she was in shape. She said she thinks that she looks good. Howard took a few phone calls after that and one guy said that they need someone who is borderline retarded. Bong Hit Eric called in and said that some of the girls were really hot. Howard cut him off and moved on to the next contestant.
Zubedah said that she doesn't like the use of the N-word after Howard asked her about that. Howard asked her if she had to choose one, making her skin darker or lighter, which would she do. She said she would make it darker. Howard asked her how she's going to give back to the community if she becomes Miss Howard Stern. Howard asked her to tell them something she doesn't like about white people. She couldn't come up with anything and said she loves white people. Howard asked her a few other questions about being black and what she has to deal with. Howard asked her what she would do if someone shushed her in a movie theater. She said she would tell them to be quiet. king said he thought she was kind of white until she said that.
Howard had Zubedah sing her song after that. She had a rap song that she whipped through. Howard cut her off and said she was annoying him. She wanted to sing another one that was X-rated so he let her do that. He seemed to like that one a little better. King seemed to like it a lot as well.
Howard asked for the scores and King gave her an 8, Bintell gave her a 10, Robin gave her an 8.8, Artie gave her a 9, Fred gave her an 8 and Gary gave her an 8.
Dee talked about her girlfriend and how she had to find a woman who wouldn't have any jealousy of her and her husband. King and Bintell were laughing at her the whole time. Bintell said that her hair wasn't all that great and he figured that she should love black men if she wanted to represent black people. She's married to a white man so that's where that came from.
Howard asked Dee if she would go lighter or darker if she had to choose between one of the two. She said she would go darker. Howard asked her what the worst thing is that she's been called to her face. She said she's never really been called anything. Howard then asked her to tell them what she thinks are the worst features on the other two contestants. She couldn't do it. Howard asked her a few more questions and then asked her to do her best black street impression. She gave them a ''What up'' but it was very English sounding. King tried to help her by giving her a ''Wassup'' and a ''Holla!'' which she did pretty well.
Dee's talent was tying a cherry stem into a knot. She told the guys to imagine that she was getting tea bagged by a guy as she was sucking on a cherry. Howard thought that was pretty hot. Howard wanted to see her boobs but she was still working on the cherry. She ate the cherry and popped the stem out tied in a knot.
Howard went around the room and got the scores. King gave her a 2, Bintell gave her a 7.5, Robin gave her a 6, Artie gave her a 6.5, Fred gave her a 7 but said he'd give her an extra point if she kissed the lesbian chick. She wanted to be fair and so Fred stuck to the 7. Gary said he thinks she's hot and gave her a 9.
Charlie said that she had her first lesbian experience when she was like 9 years old. Howard asked how that happened so she said she and her friend were practicing kissing in the bathroom. She said they ended up rubbing each other out in the bathroom after kissing. She said she was the one who got that whole thing started. She and one of the other contestants ended up arguing with each other for a short time. Charlie was pointing out some of the things that were wrong with the other girls so they were going off on her.
Charlie said that she's not like the other girls and maybe that's what they want, maybe it's not. The girls were getting so mean that Gary had to stand between them to make sure there was no fight. Howard said he asked the other girls the same questions and they didn't answer honestly like Charlie did. Howard said he really likes her a lot. He asked her what her talent was. King said it was ''talking white.'' Charlie said that she would like to ride the Sybian but she doesn't think she can do it. She was just going to sing. She said she couldn't do the Sybian thing to completion or she'd get into trouble.
Howard had Charlie sing her song and she danced around while she was doing that. She had a ''Lisa Simpson'' like voice according to Artie. It was very child-like when she spoke and even more child-like when she was singing. The other girls were goofing on her through the performance. At one point she told the other girls ''Fuck y'all, I just want to win!''
Howard asked for the scores and King gave her a 9, Bintell a 10, Robin a 10, Artie a 10, Fred a 9 and Gary gave her a 10. Howard said it sounded like she was a winner already. She was thrilled and threw out a few plugs for her web site CharlieSuperfly.com. She was also rubbing it into the faces of the other chicks that she had just won. Everyone knew they had made the right choice with her.
Howard tried to give all of the scores for the other girls but Charlie was still going nuts. The other girls were pissed that she had won. Dee said she wasn't upset at all about her not winning. She talked about how big of a fan she was but Howard cut her off and said they can only have one Miss Howard Stern. Charlie was still rubbing it in the faces of the rest of the girls that she had won.
Howard had Ashley Flowers from Clips4Sale.com come in to hand over the $5,000 check. The guys wanted them to kiss but Charlie said her girlfriend was there so she couldn't do it. Ashley did give her a kiss on the cheek though. Charlie's girlfriend came in a short time later and congratulated her on her win. Artie said that Charlie looked like an extra from ''Car Wash'' so she was perfect.
Howard gave some plugs for Clips4Sale.com and Gary said they had some gifts for the losers. They were going to give them an order of Carson's Ribs as a consolation prize. Charlie said that was very racist and that they also had a side of watermelon for them. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Various Stuff. 3/19/02. 6:05am
Howard started off the morning talking about how the newspaper is covered with stories about Priests having sex with young boys. Yesterday he read about this Cardinal Egan and how he doesn't turn in priests that he knows have had sex with young boys. Howard said he wants to know why this guy isn't arrested for that. Howard said he wants to give out the names of the priests every day to keep people aware of what they're up to. Howard read an article that talked about how the priests seduce the young boys. He said they all seem to have similar M.O.s. Howard said he'd like to do an episode of ''Son of the Beach'' where Notch Johnson goes under cover as a young boy trying to find a molesting priest. He doesn't know if they'd put it on the air though.
Oh no! Howard's sunglasses are bent! He was complaining that they weren't fitting on his face the right way so he took them off and saw that they were crooked. He said he's been carrying his stuff in a messenger bag when he comes to work and that's where the new sunglasses got bent. He said he doesn't want to give out the brand of his sunglasses that everyone likes because he doesn't want everyone wearing them.
Howard was talking about what he's supposed to put in all of the compartments in the new bag he has. Robin said something about putting his stash of weed in one compartment. Howard then said that he's never doing weed again because he had a bad experience while he was on his last vacation out of the country. He took 3 hits off a local's joint and he completely freaked out. As he was talking about this Dominic Barbara called in and said no one else had a reaction to it. Howard didn't think anyone else that was there would want to be mentioned in the discussion. Dominic told Howard that it's legal on the island they were on so he was willing to talk about it. Then it came out that Dominic bought the weed from a local. Dominic kept saying that none of the 6 other people on the trip had a reaction like Howard did. Howard kept trying to get him to stop talking about the others though. Dominic also described how Howard was freaking out after smoking this stuff. Howard ended up talking about how weird Dominic was on vacation. He told a couple of stories about how obsessed Dominic is with him.
Howard Pissed At Gary - August 31, 1995. 08/27/07. 6:00am
In the first clip we heard Howard asking Gary about this videographer that was his wedding and why he's selling copies of the tape to the public. He told Gary that he wasn't too thrilled about that and explained how he has people who run around with tapes of him all the time and he just doesn't want to be on them. He said he's got tape of him dancing and now he's using it as an advertising vehicle. He said he feels like a dickwad telling people not to take video of him but this is why he has to do it.
Howard said that these wedding photographers are failed film makers or photographers and this is the kind of thing they have to do. When they see him, they get all excited and start taping. Gary said he saw that these guys were out selling tapes of his wedding and he wasn't too thrilled about it. Howard and Robin asked him how the guy got permission to do that. Gary said he gave the guy permission to use his image in the tape and that's why he ended up using the clips.
Howard goofed on Gary for letting the videographer use his tape. He was pointing out why that's so wrong. Fred went into his Gary Puppet impression and goofed on him about it for a few minutes. Howard said that Gary must have gotten a price break for letting the guy show his video in his clip reel. Gary said he didn't get a break at all. The guy was a friend of a friend and that's why he gave him permission.
Howard said that guy was at a wedding expo and no one would bother to go up to his booth if he didn't have clips of Howard Stern at someone's wedding. He had Gary Puppet repeating after him to say just how dopey he was.
Robin was making fun of Gary so he came in and went off on her a little bit. Howard continued to talk to Gary about what had gone on. Howard said that all roads eventually lead back to Gary. He had to take a commercial break so he tried to wrap things up.
Howard said that it was Ronnie's daughter in law who went to this wedding expo and saw him on this guys's display. Howard figured that Gary was out to get him or to make a few bucks by letting this guy sell his tapes. Jackie told Howard that they need to get the guy who creates stuff for Gary to make up something to wipe his sweaty upper lip. Gary was all nervous from Howard's lecture and he had some sweat beading up on his lip. They wrapped up a short time later.
Brian May Interview. 05/06/1993. 9:20am
Up next was an interview with Brian May that Howard did back on May 6, 1993. This wasn't in my archives so here's what happened.
Howard brought in Brian May who used to be in the band Queen. Howard said that he saw him back stage at the MTV awards and he gave him a little bit of a rock star attitude.
Howard said that Brian seems to look a lot like him and he could almost be his brother. He said it must disturb him to know that he looks like him. Brian said that it is interesting because he never thought about it. He said he did have someone come up to him thinking he was Howard once though.
Brian said that he's had people tell him how awful Howard was but he realized that he wasn't so bad and that's why he came on the show. He said that he did see him back stage at the MTV awards and it was a strange way to meet him. Howard said that he was really scared that night when they had him up in the air waiting to fly down on stage.
Howard asked Brian about Freddy Mercury's death and what it was like when he first came out of the closet. Brian said that it was pretty tough when he came out because people had a hard time relating to him. Howard said he always thought that Brian was gay but he's not.
Howard said that Freddy never really said he was gay but he got a call from a hair dresser when he was working in Detroit and the hair dresser said he had an affair with Freddy and he was the best he'd ever had. Howard said it never bothered him that Freddy was gay.
Howard asked Brian if he thinks he and Freddy really needed the rest of the band. Brian said that's not true because the two biggest hits they had, ''Radio Ga Ga'' and ''Another One Bites The Dust,'' weren't written by he and Freddy.
Howard told Brian that he should brag a little more, no one in the band is going to hear this anyway. Brian said that they do this with Ringo too and he really thinks that Ringo was a big part of the band and people don't give him enough credit.
Brian told Howard that he's been separated from his wife for a while now. That led to Howard asking him about when he met her and found out that they knew each other before Brian got famous. Howard said that he must not have been able to resist temptation but Brian said that she just wasn't the right person and he found that out over the years. Brian said that he will probably marry again some day.
Howard found out that Brian and the band used to have to pay 98 percent income tax on some of the stuff they were making. That's why he had to make a home in L.A. so he didn't lose out on so much income. Howard said he doesn't like that England anyway.
Howard said that Brian is there to promote his solo album. He said he was going to play some of the album but he was also going to play along to some of his songs while he was there. Howard said that he actually plays with an English coin. Brian said that he uses a sixpence which is non longer legal tender over there.
Brian played a few of his famous Queen song riffs for Howard. He asked if he could go after playing a couple of them.
After an edited out break Howard came back with Brian and said that they were about 20 minutes away from speaking with Richard Pryor. He said they sent him some sample questions for him so he read one which was about getting up on stage and still doing his act with MS. Howard said that of course he can do that, he's promoting a show he's got coming up.
Howard said that Queen is done now but he just got something in the mail about a new Queen tape or something. Brian said that was a performance that George Michael did at a Freddy Mercury tribute about a year ago. He said he's not fronting the band or anything like that.
Howard asked Brian if he's all set for money. Brian said that he has nothing to worry about and he has someone who takes care of his money for him. Howard told him to be careful with that so he doesn't get screwed. Brain said that he has to trust someone and this guy he has is the one.
Howard asked Brian about how much of his money he had to give up to his ex-wife. He said that it was a lot of money but not necessarily 50 percent. He said it's hell going through that stuff though. Howard joked that Brian has to live in a trailer there in Suffolk County, New York.
Howard talked about how guys really shouldn't settle down and they don't want to get married. He said that his mother was the one who made him get married. Brian said that Howard was putting words into his mouth at that point.
Howard asked Brian what it was like back stage with Freddy when he was with guys. Brian said that there weren't that many guys that he'd see because he was a pretty monogamous guy. He said Freddy used to stay pretty private back then.
Howard asked Brian about his penis size. He told Brian that he's really only an inch and hung like a baby. Brian didn't say how big he was.
Howard asked Brian to play some stuff for them so Brian played a couple of riffs from some more Queen songs. Howard asked him if they ever got any royalties from that Vanilla Ice song that used the riff from ''Under Pressure.'' Brian said that they eventually did get royalties even though Vanilla Ice claimed that he wasn't using the exact tune.
Howard had Brian play some more riffs that he was throwing at him. He asked Fred to sing a song but Fred told him that he doesn't know the songs that well. Howard then played one of Brian's new songs, Resurrection, and talked over it while it was playing. Howard said he likes that he's still rocking in the song and didn't wimp out. Howard told Brian he sounds as good as Freddy in that song.
Howard gave Brian some plugs and said that he's going to be out on tour again soon. They spent a few more minutes talking before Howard wrapped up with Brian.
Gary The Retard's Garypalooza Celebration. 04/03/08. 7:30am
Howard had the guys bring in Gary the Retard for the big Garypalooza. Gary came in on fire after Artie made some comments to him. Artie threw out a couple of retard comments and got him a little pissed off at him.
Gary the Retard is 56 years old now. Howard said he was having some problems with his microphone today and he had to get that fixed. Robin said that it might be too close to his mouth. Howard said they were going to go through a whole thing trying to get that right.
Mike Gange tried to fix the microphone but Gary came in and told Howard that Scott the Engineer promised him that it was going to work. Howard said that there was a lot of noise coming off the microphones. Howard said that they have to test this stuff before they put it in there. Gary said that they did test it as far as he knew.
Howard said he was just going to barrel through this. He told Gary he was very happy he had him there today and then said he wasn't too happy with the engineering department today.
Howard said he had a lot of special guests for Gary. Gary said that he really likes Miss Howard Stern. Howard said he heard about that. Gary then said that he was pissed off about Miss Howard Stern being chained up to a heater. No one had any idea what the hell he was talking about though. He had seen her on the internet or something.
Howard said they don't have Miss Howard Stern there but they do have some other women. Gary's mic cut out for a few seconds so Howard said he was going to go home. He couldn't catch a break.
Howard said that Gary did a comedy show recently and got kicked off the stage for using the N-word. Gary said that they use that word in comedy shows. Howard told him he can't use it in his comedy though.
Howard heard that Gary had been jerking off to Miss Howard Stern and asked him what he was imagining while he was doing that. Gary said he was screwing her in his fantasy. He said that he was kissing her and having sex. He said she sat on his lap in Las Vegas and he really liked it. Howard said that he wants to be on Superfan Roundtable too but he wasn't sure if they could make that happen.
Howard started bringing in the guests for Gary to meet. They had the Doctor who delivered him when he was born. Richard came in dressed in a costume so Gary wouldn't know it was him. He said that he met him 56 years ago when he was born. Richard said he was the first person Gary ever saw. He said he was a cute baby but very slippery and that's why he dropped him on his head in the delivery room. That's how he became retarded. He said he was born a genius and doing math problems. Then he dropped him on his head and screwed that up.
Howard asked if there was any cure for Gary. Richard said there was a cure. He said that he has actually had a good life but they have found a way to make him not retarded. Gary said that he didn't want it. He said that he wanted to stay with Howard no matter what. He didn't want the cure for being retarded. Richard told him to think of the great things he could do if he wasn't retarded. Gary didn't want to hear it.
Richard told Gary that if they push a button on his prostate, they can reset his brain and turn off the retarded part of him. Howard said that all he'd have to do is stick his finger up his ass. Gary said he didn't want that, he wants to stay retarded.
Richard asked Gary if he ever wanted to know what 9 times 9 was. Gary said that it was 81 and surprised everyone with the correct answer. Richard said that someone must have pushed his reset button and he must not be retarded anymore. Gary said that no one is sticking their finger up his ass.
Howard said that they arranged to have Angelina Jolie come in to meet Gary. He didn't know who she was. Will came in dressed up like Angelina but Gary said that she looked kind of like a guy to him. Will did his girl voice and showed off his legs to him. Gary said he didn't want her to sit on his lap when Robin asked. Howard asked Angelina what kind of money she makes for doing movies. She said that she makes like 20 million and she really wants Gary the Retard. Gary wasn't attracted to her/him at all. Gary wasn't being fooled by that at all. Someone really must have hit the retard reset button.
Will went over to sit next to Gary but Gary ended up pushing him away. Will went in for a kiss but Gary didn't want that either so he pushed him away. Gary said that he doesn't like lipstick.
Howard asked Gary if he had heard of this guy Imus. Gary didn't know him but they had Fred come in dressed up as Imus. Fred did his Imus impression and talked to Gary a little bit. He was talking about how Howard rips him off and how he has more listeners than Howard does. He said that he also doesn't pay his people very well and that's why they leave the show. He asked Gary if he was being paid to be there today. He was talking over Gary so Gary told him to shut up. He didn't want to hear what he had to say. Imus was offering him 10 dollars a week to work for him but Gary wanted nothing to do with him. He told him to get out of there. Fred told Gary that he'd let him fuck his wife if he wanted. Gary wasn't interested in any of the stuff he was offering him.
Up next to meet Gary was Adolf Hitler. Howard said that Gary doesn't like Jews so that's why they brought him in. Richard was dressed up as Adolf and Artie was laughing at him. Richard was doing a bad accent and had Artie laughing at him a bit. Gary told Hitler to shut up because Howard is Jewish and if he doesn't like them then he's not going to like Howard.
Hitler brought in some ''Anti-Jew Spray'' for Gary and told him that he was going to give him the spray to use on people. He said that it turns Jews into Catholics. Gary wasn't interested in it. He said he didn't want anything to do with that. Howard had the guys bring in Jason so they could spray him with the Anti-Jew spray. Jason said that he loves money and he's a big money grubber. Richard sprayed him and Jason said that he loves Jesus now. Gary freaked out when he saw Jason drop his headset. Then Jason said that he was okay and dropped the five pennies he had in his pocket and said that he wasn't going to pick them up, he was just going to walk away.
Howard asked Gary if he wanted to spray him with the Jew Spray. Gary told Hitler to get out of there with that. He didn't want Howard getting sprayed with that shit.
Howard said that Gary didn't like Hitler, he didn't like Imus and he didn't like his doctor or Angelina Jolie either. Gary said that he's been sitting home listening to the radio for a long time now. Howard cut him off and said that they have another guest for him. He said it was Abraham Lincoln.
Sal came in as Abraham Lincoln and told Gary that he was going to put him in the Presidential Rocket Ship to fly him to the moon today. Gary saw the rocket and said that he wasn't going to fit in that thing. Howard told Gary that he was going to be the first retarded astronaut and they were going to send him to the moon. Gary said that he didn't want to go to the moon though. Howard told him he has to go to the moon.
Abe read a proclamation to Gary about how he was being sent to the moon and he would no longer be retarded. Gary said he wants to be retarded. Howard told Gary that they wanted to send him up there. Artie asked if anyone was going to play the part of John Wilkes Booth.
Howard told Gary to get in the rocket ship and they'd send him off to the moon. Robin wanted him to wear his space suit but Howard said he didn't care about that. Gary said that if they were lying to him he was going to kick someone's ass.
Gary got into the rocket ship but said that he was too big for it. They had him standing up in there and told him that he was going to be okay. Howard contacted NASA and told him that they were going to fly him out of there. Gary started to freak out when they moved the rocket. He was demanding that they put him down. Howard told him that he was in outer space and he was about to land. Fred played the rocket sounds and they flew him to the moon. Howard told him that they'd talk to him when he got there.
Gary landed on the moon so Howard told him to get out of the rocket. He got out and he was in the green room that was made up to look like the surface of the moon. Gary said that it was pretty scary there. He said that there were a bunch of Playboy books there. He said they had a bunch of stars there and he could see Earth from there.
Howard asked Gary if it was true the moon was made of cheese. He said that he did see some cheese there but he didn't want to pick it up. They told him to plant the flag they gave him on the moon. Gary said that he didn't want to pick up the cheese after they asked him to bring some back to Earth for them. He refused to do it no matter how many times they asked him to do it.
Howard said that this was historic, Gary was the first one to go to the moon. Gary said that his headset was cutting out. Howard said that's because he's on the moon. Howard and Robin asked Gary to bring back the cheese from the moon so he finally picked it up. He said that it had paper shit around it.
Howard asked Gary to get back in his rocket but he said he couldn't get into it himself. Howard said he can't get him back to Earth if he can't get into it. NASA contacted him and told him to back into it. Gary did manage to get back into it but he had a cramp in his leg.
Howard told the guys to just open the door and let him out. He said there was something wrong with that. Gary brought in the moon cheese for Howard. Howard said that he'd eat it. He said that Gary was the bravest guy he knew and congratulated him on his flight to the moon. He said he was a hero.
Artie said that out of all of the jokes in the bit the moon was the most believable one. Gary said that bouncing around in that rocket was the scariest part of his trip.
Gary asked Howard if he could get Howard TV. Howard said that they'd set him up with that. He asked him what the best part of his birthday show was. Gary said that it was just getting to come see him. He said that he's there for a couple more days and he's going to do some comedy shows. He said he wanted to go to Scores but Howard told him that they go to Rick's Cabaret now. He said he could talk to Ronnie about that. Ronnie said that they were going tonight. He said that they'll take him for his birthday tonight.
Howard said they should have had some naked girls on the moon. He wondered why that didn't happen. Ronnie said they'll get him some naked girls tonight. He said he won't fly in a rocket ship to the club. He said he's never getting back into that thing again.
Howard said that he thought Gary would love all of the people they brought in for him but he hated each and every one. They talked to Gary about his flight to the moon and he was saying that it was very scary. Howard said that next year they're going to have a time machine send him back in time to cave man times. He said that what they should do is send him back to this day and have him going to the moon again.
Howard said he loves Gary and told him that they'll send him over to Rick's Cabaret tonight. Ronnie said that this is going to be a great night with Rickeyman and Gary the Retard going out to party together.
Howard said that he thought it was funny when Jason got sprayed with the Jew Spray and dropped his money in the studio. Gary said that it was still sitting there. Gary said that Bob told him to say hello to Howard so he did that real quick. Gary wanted to come back in and do the news with Robin. Gary told her to stay away from that jerk Jim Florentine. He said that Jim is always complaining about stuff and he wants him to stop his fuckin complaining.
Howard took some phone calls and let some people comment on Gary's appearance. A few people goofed on Gary a little bit. One guy said that he thinks that Robin should show her boobs to him for his birthday. Gary said that he doesn't need to bug her with that kind of stuff. Howard said it would have been nice if she was on the moon to show her boobs.
One guy said that it was great that Gary loved seeing Howard more than his trip to the moon. That shows that he really loves Howard. Gary asked Howard how he and Beth are getting along. Howard said that they're getting married. Gary said that he's happy for him and he should get married.
Artie told Gary that he won't be invited to the wedding because there are no retards allowed. Gary told him to shut up. Artie asked him if he wanted to stay for the news. Gary said he did so Artie told him ''NO!'' Gary told him to shut up again.
Howard wrapped up with Gary a short time later and said that they are true fans of his. Gary said he heard that High Pitch Eric was in trouble with the law again. Howard said he didn't hear that, he didn't think he was in trouble right now. Gary said he heard he was living out on the street. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
THoHS:A2 - The Channel 9 Show Part 1. 01/02/09. 6:00am
After that clip we heard Gary talking about Kenneth Keith Kallenbach being on that first show. Gary said that he remembers having him on multiple times and they never were able to see him blowing smoke out of his eyes.
They played a clip from that show where Howard brought Kenneth out to try his trick for them. Howard spent a short time interviewing Kenneth before having him attempt the trick. Ken would take a puff off a cigarette, hold his nose and then try to blow smoke out of his tear ducts. It never worked well enough for anyone to see it. Ken would turn red as he held his breath trying to force it out of his eyes. Everyone on the show laughed their asses off when they saw it. Ken would tell them ''Ho'd on, ho'd on'' and try it again. Fred played a fart sound as Ken was trying it once. Gary thought Kenneth was going to pass out.
After that Dan Forman said that he thinks he saw smoke coming out that day. He said Howard denies that so there is some controversy over that. Jessica Hahn said that she saw Ken back stage and he did the stunt for her back in the green room. She said she's not sure what she saw back then and just told Kenneth that he did a good job. She said that his eyes looked like they were going to bleed from trying so hard.
THoHS:A3 - Crackhead Bob. 01/01/10. 7:40am
They played another show clip where Howard was talking about doing a book signing and how there were people waiting outside overnight to get their autographs. Stuttering John was down at the book store and put some of the people in line on the phone with Howard. Howard spoke to some of the people and said that some of them could come up to the studio. Howard let two guys come up to the studio to talk about the book. Howard said he wanted some chicks up there too but John said they were all guys down there.
John put someone on the phone who had a problem speaking. Howard tried to understand what he was saying and it was very hard. Gary told Howard he had CP not knowing that the guy had actually smoked crack and stroked out. Howard said he'd let him come in and get his book signed too. Howard said he can't deny someone with CP to get his book signed. Stuttering John was laughing at the guy who would later be known as Crackhead Bob.
We heard from Howard about Crackhead Bob being first in line at the book store. He said he would sleep out there for days. Gary said John recognized he'd be good and put him on the phone. Gary said Howard said they had to meet him and that was the birth of a wack Packer. He said it's always best when someone isn't trying to be in the Wack Pack and they find them on their own.
Scott DePace talked about what a mess Bob was at the time and how it was actually kind of sad when you saw him. Howard talked about how great Crackhead Bob was on the show. He said finding out about his life was fascinating. He actually stroked out two times from smoking crack and it makes you wonder what would drive a guy to do that. Howard said in some way it helped his life getting him on the show. Howard said he never exploited the guy.
They played another show clip where Crackhead Bob showed up in the studio for the first time. Howard still thought he had Cerebral Palsy before he found out about the crack. Howard said he was a CP dude. Howard said he was in a wheelchair and everything. They had Bob come in and Gary said they were trying to convince him that he didn't have CP and he was just drunk. Howard said he thought Bob was in a wheelchair but he wasn't in one when he came in.
Bob told Howard that he smoked crack and got messed up. It was hard for him to tell the story so the guy he came in with helped him out. The other guy said that Bob told him what had happened to him and it took him like 3 hours to figure it out. Howard said he thought it was CP from the way he looked. Robin said that can happen from getting messed up. Howard asked Bob about how old he was when he got messed up. Bob had to count it out on his fingers since he wasn't able to just say ''25.'' He was later able to say ''two'' when Howard asked how many books he bought.
Howard asked Bob about his marriage and found out he was married for 13 years. He wasn't able to say the number but he was able to spell it out with his hands. Howard said that crack must have been a good high. Bob said it was good before he had the stroke. Robin asked how old the kids were. He counted them out as well. Howard asked the guy what his name was. Bob said it was ''Bob'' but the guy who came with him said his real name is actually George but he's able to say Bob easier. Bob said that it was ''George Harvey.''
Pissing Off Co-Workers In One Sentence. 9/18/03. 7:20am
Howard came back from break and said that Gary told him a funny game would be to say one sentence to a person on the show that would throw them off and get them pissed. Howard said he could probably do that with guests because he can do it with someone like Fred. Gary said he's seen Howard piss off stripper guests in just a few minutes. Howard said he doesn't want to go there with Robin because she gets pissed off so easy. He said the same thing about Fred who has walked off the show in the past. Howard said Robin is too sensitive to play this game with. He said she just can't take criticism. Howard said he'd written down the stuff about Robin during the break so he could prove he was just coming up with lines to play the game. Howard said some stuff about Artie and his girlfriend Dana and how she doesn't really love him just to get him pissed. Artie said he'd like to say some lines to Howard as well to get him pissed off. Howard told him he could go there if he wanted to but Artie didn't want to.
Howard told Fred that he would have no career without him. Fred asked him where the insult was and got pissed within a few seconds. Howard then moved on to Gary but backed off because he knew it was going to upset him so much. Gary wasn't sure if he wanted Howard to go there with him. Howard said that Gary cheats on his wife but Gary said that's not right and did get pissed that he said that. He asked Howard to take it back so he did. Howard said he was pissed because Gary thought he knew him so well that he could predict what he was going to say to piss him off. He wrote down that he predicted Howard would say that his wife Mary hates him, that he's pussy whipped and that he watches the kids too much. Howard said Gary is immune to that stuff though so he didn't go that direction.
The guys wanted Howard to get Stuttering John pissed off in once sentence but he said it's too easy to do that. He didn't want to keep going with that stuff. John came in a short time later and said that they have a guest on the phone. He seemed to be avoiding Howard getting him pissed off.
Howard said that KC is scaring him these days. He said that he wants him going to the Psychiatrist 5 days a week but KC doesn't want to do that. Gary said that KC got sick yesterday and he's convinced that it's the medication he's on. KC said they've turned him into a drug addict and he's getting sick because he's going through withdrawal. Howard said his eyes are starting to roll back into his head as well. Gary said KC told him he's going to go off the medication but he told him not to do that. Howard and Robin talked about how whenever crazy people go off their meds, they go nuts. Howard said KC seems to be worse since he went on the medication. KC said he is worse but Robin told him that there's a time of adjustment where he'll have to get used to the feeling of being on the medication.
Howard seems to think that the way KC's father raised him is why he's mentally ill. He brought up one story where his dad had people throwing balls at KC in a game they played called the Lonesome Coyote. KC said that stuff was fun and that's what guys do. Howard said that's not what father's do to their sons though. Howard asked KC if he'd ever do that to his own son. KC thought for a few seconds and said he probably wouldn't do that to his kid but it was only a game. Then he said he might do it to him. Howard didn't think KC was being serious about the stuff he was saying so he wanted to get him out of the studio. He then told KC that he was going to bring in a 6 year old kid so KC can see what he'd go through. Howard finally kicked KC out of the studio and called him The Lonesome Coyote.
Howard read a statistic from John's book. He said that ''Women who marry, love themselves more than any man.'' John went on to explain what they meant by that. John's explanation didn't sound like it meant that the women loved themselves more than any man according to Robin. She argued with Howard and John about some of the things they were talking about.
John also has stats about when women should get married. He also claims that women who have sex on the first date reduce their chances of getting married dramatically. Howard read that after men turn 38 the chances that they will ever marry drop dramatically. Guys who live on their own are more likely to marry because they're lonely. Howard said that's probably why Artie doesn't marry. His mother just about lives at his place according to Howard. Artie said that's not true though and she comes over like once a week.
Howard read a couple of other stats from the book and Robin said that she doesn't believe in marriage because it's got nothing to do with love. She said it's like a business relationship and that's not right. Howard continued to read some other stats from the book. The guy claims that women gain respect by not doing household chores. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to John about this stuff before wrapping up the call.
John thanked Howard for mentioning his book last week because it shot up in sales an amazing amount. Howard said that the book was pretty interesting so that's why he mentioned it. Howard took a couple more phone calls before going to break.
Jon said the segment where Howard upset Gary was one that Gary may still be upset over. He said Howard knew that would get him going. He said he'd suggest playing the game again but there's no way he'd do it. He said no one wants to face that music. Jon said Howard knows what's going to get you going. He said that's one of his best skills. Jon said that leads to some great radio. Jon said Gary asked for it in that situation. He said Gary is a whipping boy and more so back then than now.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if he thinks some of those things Howard said in that last segment are really a truth. Jon said maybe Howard thinks that some of those things are true but not Gary cheating on his wife. The caller said he thinks that Fred may be the one out of the group who wouldn't have gotten as far as they have without Howard. The caller said he thinks he's more talented than he lets on. Jon agreed with him on that. He said that he has accepted that role he has on the show. He said some guys want to be the number 1 guy. He said Jackie was like that. He wanted more acclaim and that led to him leaving the show. Jon said he thinks Fred could do more but he's in the right spot on the show.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if that caused any issues at home with Gary. Jon said that was before his time there. He said he thinks it did because of Gary challenging him in the first place. He said it wasn't about the cheating but just going there with the challenge.
The caller also asked about the wedding tape and how we all know that he got a deal on that tape. Jon said that maybe he did but they may never know. Jon said that was 1995 and Howard was upset about being all over the video. He said that when he goes to something like that he's not looking to take away from the attention. He said it was supposed to be about Gary's wedding.
Benjy came in and said he found something that he was going to send to Howard. He said that he feels that Howard is going to think he's sending it to him for a different reason. Jon said he should just send it. Jon said that those conditions are always going to be there. Benjy said he doesn't think with a regular friend that he'd worry about it so much.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he loves Mammary Lane and the Wrap Up Show. He asked if Gary and Howard have ever gone at it off the air. Jon said he hasn't seen them go at it off the air. He said it's all business when they go to break. He said sometimes they have to cool off a bit but usually it's just business as usual.
Benjy said that it's like two lawyers battling in court. He said that's kind of what this is like. He said they'll battle and then go to lunch with each other.
The caller said that Gary seems to know when to stop. He said he composes himself and moves on. He said he doesn't think he could do that himself. Jon said that this is different than what Benjy said about the lawyers because one works for the other.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked why Benjy is so afraid of Howard and giving him a gift. He said he's just a normal guy who is a celebrity. Benjy said it's because he has so much effect and control over his life. He said it's scary. He said it could fuck him up or make it bad for him. Jon asked if he really thinks it could affect his job. Benjy said he has a lot going on in his head. He said he had to throw something out yesterday and it took him 2 hours to do it.
Jon said sometimes you do wonder if Howard is going to tear you apart. Jon said that goes through everyone's head. Benjy said that he knows Jon was hurt when it came up with him. Jon said it did. He said that was with the Bat Mitzvah and the money. He said he thinks Howard did it just for the air. Jon said that they had to take a break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks everyone had sympathy for everyone Howard ripped apart. He said he thinks he wouldn't have had sympathy for Stuttering John though. Jon said that they're not sure what he would have said but he's sure he could have ripped him apart pretty quickly.
Jon said the bit was entertaining because it was Artie, Fred, Robin and Gary. Jon said if they did it again he thinks that people would want to hear him go after the same people and not people like JD. Jon said Howard could come off as the bad guy if he went after other people on the show.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Gary getting upset made it look worse than it was. Jon said when you're in the cross hairs you do get upset easily. The caller said that he thinks the truth is what upset Gary. Benjy said he doesn't think that's right. He said that sometimes people will accuse you of something and it's not true and it really upsets you. Jon said he thinks that's what happened with Gary. He said you're not thinking straight when something like that happens and you get upset. JD said you don't want something like that being put in someone's head. Jon said Gary and Mary were doing just fine and it was all made up.
Jon asked Scott if he was a weed guy. Scott said he was a weed guy. He said he still loves it. He said he does it occasionally. Jon asked if it's medical. Scott said it's not. He said he has no paraphernalia at all. He said he did it when he was younger. Scott said he doesn't do it at home. He said if he's somewhere with people he may take a hit or two just to get a buzz. JD asked when he did it last. Scott said it was maybe a year or two ago.
Jon asked if he had a reaction like Howard had. Scott said he did once. He said he was 18 or 20 and it just freaked him the fuck out. Scott said he wanted to come down so bad and it was crazy. He said he's not sure if there was something else in it or not. Scott said most of the time it's really good.
Jon said he's glad Sal came in. He asked him about what Howard did to Gary when he challenged him. Sal said he got busted in the challenge. Jon asked if he thinks it was Gary protesting that sunk him. Sal said he went nuts when Howard called him out. He said it was funny that Gary got more angry as it went on.
Jon asked Sal if he would ever challenge Howard to something like that. Sal said he would never do that. He said Howard has said that he pranks and no one pranks him. He said they got into trouble getting people to prank Howard in the studio.
Sal said he got into trouble for using Howard's megaphone. He said that he found out the hard way that you don't do that. Sal said that Howard came into his office before the show and told him to never touch his stuff. He said Howard explained it perfectly that day. He said he was very clear about it all. He said he never goes near his stuff now. Sal said he doesn't even go in the studio.
Sal also brought up how Doug Goodstein sat his kid in Howard's chair once. He said Howard went off on him about that. Jon said Doug knew better than to do that too. Scott is one who is allowed back there to check stuff. Scott said he uses Purell on his hands when hen goes back there. He said if he's sick he'll get someone else to go back there. Jon said Scot has been doing it for a long time and he has to do it. He said if Scott put his son back there then that would be a different story.
JD asked how long Howard has been using that chair. Scott said it's been since they started the E! show which was in 1994. Jon asked if Howard could use a different chair. Scott said he doesn't think so. Benjy said it may be an OCD thing.
Benjy said that he doesn't think this is a secret. He said Howard has a picture of Mother Mary in the studio. He said he thinks he's spoken about it. Sal said Howard had a picture of Jeff the drunk that he kept. He said he doesn't know anything about the mother Mary picture. Jon said he has no idea either. He said they have to take a break now. Benjy jokingly yelled out ''Where are you taking me!?'' like they were hauling him off for giving out some big secret. They went to break after that.
Jon asked what the percentage is between user error or an equipment problem. Scott said that most of the time it's an electronic failure so he'll say that's 90 percent. He said 5 percent of the time it might be him.
Jon said Gary the Retard is one of the best sports when it comes to this stuff. Sal said he's always willing to participate. He said at the end of the day they really enjoy him. He said there's something enlightening about him. Jon said he's been working at Burgerville for a long time. He said that some Wack Packers don't work at all and Gary has been working for years.
Sal asked if Ass Napkin Ed works. Shuli said he does not. Wendy babysits. Sal said he sees people who are much more handicapped who work. He said if you want to do it then you'll do it.
Benjy asked Sal why he calls Eric the Actor Eric the Midget. Sal said that Eric the Midget is a pain in the ass and he doesn't appreciate what they do for him. He said he doesn't think it's that bad anyway.
Jon said he didn't want to talk about that now. Sal said he actually feels bad about calling Eric that. He said he'd call him Eric the Dwarf instead.
Jon asked Sal about playing the part of Abe Lincoln with Gary the Retard. He wanted to know what he knows about Lincoln. Sal mentioned a few things that he knew and Jon asked what he would have done back then if he was actually Lincoln. Sal said he'd just leave the South alone. He said maybe he'd let them secede. Sal said he thinks that things could have been settled differently. He said they could have come up with a peaceful solution. He said so many people died from nothing. He said war doesn't solve problems. He said peace does.
Jon said the south wanted slavery though. Sal said they could have done both freeing the slaves and kept the people in the south happy. He said he thinks the north could have assisted the south.
Jon and Sal went back and forth figuring out the Civil War and how it could have been avoided. Sal said that he thinks that the south wasn't getting the machinery that the north had so they were upset about that. Jon said he thinks they had machinery. Sal said not so much.
Jon and Sal spent a little longer on that and then Jon had Shuli give them his Howard 100 News headlines. Shuli did that and in the middle of that Sal was wondering if Lincoln was around during the time of the war he was just talking about. He said he's going to retract what he said and say that he was just a politician at the time. He said he knows he had something to do with the war though.
Shuli finished up his news headlines and Jon had the guys get in their plugs. They were done around 11:25am.
Storm Contingency Plans. 10/29/12. 8:10am
Howard asked the guys what they're doing tomorrow. He said that if they can't get to work then what are they going to do. Gary said that they're going to make a decision tonight by him and Tim. Howard said that they have a show they can run tomorrow if they can't make it in. Gary said he has a feeling they're going to close the bridges and tunnels. Gary said that almost everyone is going home tonight and most people think that they should be home to protect their wife, kids and home. Howard asked Gary what he's going to do if something happens. Gary said he will be there to figure it out. Howard asked if he can't count on him being there tomorrow. Gary said if he can get in tomorrow he will be there.
Gary wondered why he shouldn't be home to take care of the flooding. Howard said he doesn't understand why he wouldn't just bring his wife and kid to the city. Gary said that he wants to be there if it starts flooding or a tree falls on it. Howard said he's going to make every effort to get there. Howard asked who else is going to be there if he gets there. Robin said she thinks Gary should be there. Gary said he doesn't have a staff to watch his house like Howard and Robin do. Gary said it's rude for Robin to say that he should just leave the house.
Gary and Howard argued about the way Howard said that he can't depend on Gary. Howard said that he wants to know if he can depend on him being there tomorrow. Gary said that he can't. He said he thought that he was saying he can't depend on him... period. Howard said he was asking about tomorrow. He asked Gary what he's going to do. Gary said he's going to be with his family at his house. He said he's not leaving his house. He said he wants to be in his house with his family. Robin asked if he ever leaves his house unattended. Gary said he does but not during a storm. Gary said that they're saying that they could have people without power for up to two weeks when this storm goes through.
Howard said Gary should have just said he can't be depended upon tomorrow. Howard asked who he can depend on being there. Shuli said yes to him when asked. Howard asked if he's going to be attending to his home. Shuli said that his wife will be taking care of the home. Gary asked if he's in an apartment. Howard asked why he's attacking him when he says he wants to work. Gary said he's going to leave. Howard asked Shuli if he will be there. Shuli said nothing will stop him from being there.
Fred said he will be there tomorrow. He said he doesn't have the problem that Gary has. Howard asked Benjy if he'll be there. Benjy said he will. Howard said Robin will be able to broadcast too. Howard said he can't depend on Gary but Fred, Benjy and Shuli will be there. Howard said Gary looks like he's about to cry. Gary said he's fine.
Howard said Gary is like a maniac. He said he needs to know who is going to be there. Gary said he wants to make it sound like he doesn't care about his job. Gary said he cares more about his wife and kids than he does about his job. Howard said Gary doesn't have to go that far. He said he just wanted to know if he was going to be there tomorrow. Howard said he has to plan for tomorrow. He said Doug isn't there today. Gary said Gange is directing the show today. Howard said he's not sure why they have all of these other people there then. He said they seem to be handling it just fine.
Howard and Gary kept arguing about the way he asked the question about depending on him being there. Gary said he could have asked if he was going to be there. Howard said he could have just said no and left. He said he stands there arguing instead. Howard said he looks like a buffoon when he does. Gary said he doesn't think so.
Howard asked Gary if he had any trouble getting in there today. Gary said he didn't. He said he has to get up and make the decision based on the weather.
Howard asked Tim if he's going to be there tomorrow. Tim said he will be and if Gary isn't there then they'll make due. Tim said that he will be there. Howard said that's all he wanted to know. He said it's not an attack.
Gary said that he has told Jon Leiberman about the microphones that they use in there and how he has to use them. Earlier in the show Jon had put the headphones on backwards.
Howard asked Jason if he can depend on him to be there tomorrow. Jason said his answer is the same as Gary's answer. Howard took that as a no. Howard asked Jason if he's in a bad area. Gary said that he's in a mandatory evacuation area but they aren't listening to the evacuation warning.
Howard asked Will if he will be there tomorrow. Howard said Gary is all upset about this. He said he knows JD will be there. Will came in and said if he needs them to be there then he'll be there. He said his wife and child are his priority. He said he will be there if he needs him. Howard said everyone has to make their own decision. He said if they feel threatened by the storm then they don't have to come in. Will said that he has to say no then. He said that he didn't say he won't be there but he can't say he will definitely be there.
Gary asked Howard if he would leave Beth at the house at the shore alone. Howard said Beth is with him. He said he brought her there. Gary said he doesn't have the choices that Howard has. Howard said he doesn't know why he's attacking him. He said he's not angry with him. He said he just asked if he can depend on him to be there. He said all he had to do was say no. Howard said he wrote on Moldred last night that he will carry on.
Gary said Howard has made fun of the people who didn't come in today. Howard said it looks a little weird to him that they didn't even try to come in when there is nothing keeping them from trying. Howard said that the weather hasn't even gotten there yet. Gary said that they were afraid that they might get stuck in the city.
Howard said this whole thing is weird to him because they didn't get the weather that they thought they were going to get. Howard said that he told Robin that they should just get up in the morning and see what happens. He said John Bolaris is scaring the shit out of his wife. He said he wants him to forget his wife's number. Howard said he told him to stop it but he keeps going. He said he heard that Jon is there so he wants him to come in so he can boot him out. Howard said these guys are making people paranoid. He said they do all of this to get ratings.
Weather Guy John Bolaris Visits. 10/29/12. 8:30am
John Bolaris came in so Howard went off on him about the texts. Howard told him to lose his wife's text number. He said he started with this stuff on Thursday last week. Howard said Beth is walking around in a panic about this. He said that because of him he had to move a dog and three cats. Howard said John did this last year with Irene. Howard said John gets Beth worked up. John said he's just keeping her safe. Howard told John to stop with the texts. Howard said that he is a good guy but he has to stop with that.
Gary asked John why he texts Beth and not everyone else. John said that he doesn't have Gary's number. Howard said he doesn't know why he has Beth's number.
Howard asked John what's going to happen. John said it's what they call ''The perfect storm.'' He said it's a bunch of rare atmospheric conditions that are going to combine. He said the winds will ramp up today and they will be gusting at 70-75 MPH. He said that southern Manhattan will flood out. He said that the FDR Drive will be under 4-6 feet of water by tonight. John said they are evacuating and they haven't seen anything like this since 1992. He said that nothing like this has ever been predicted either. Howard said he thinks that the predictions are too much and they're making too much out of it. He said if they're right he'll have to deal with it and texting his wife isn't going to help. John said that they're going to have record setting flooding. He said that they'll have tidal surges.
Robin asked if they're okay to broadcast. John said that they may lose power but if they don't they'll be fine. He said that there are places that could lose power and Manhattan may have scattered outages. Howard said if he was the mayor he'd build something to make power right there in the city.
John said that this could go down as the worst storm on the east coast. He said that south of Canal could be shut down and they could have problems with the subways. Howard said he's coming to work tomorrow. John said that Howard will be fine because he's in a safe zone. He said there are people who won't be in a safe zone. Howard said America will be happy as long as they can do a show. Howard said his listeners only care about him.
Howard said he heard John has a hot girlfriend. John said she is sweet. Shuli said that she was at the block party. John said he brought her with him so she wouldn't have to be alone. Howard saw her and said that she was hot. Howard asked how he got her. John said she's a sweetheart. He said that she's 20 years younger than him. Howard said he always has a hot girlfriend. John said he likes beautiful women. He said she's got a beautiful soul too. He said that marriage could be in the future. She works in sales. Howard asked what she sells. She said it's tile and natural stone. Howard said he needs some of that. Gary said he's pretty sure he needs that for his house.
Howard asked how John met this girl. She said they met through mutual friends. John said he had a dinner party at his apartment and they were both dating someone else. He said they felt a connection and they started dating.
Howard asked what her name is. She said it's Erica. Howard told John to propose now. They played some wedding music and John started talking about how they could see marriage in the future. John asked Erica if she would marry him. She said she would. They kissed after that. Gary said this would be in the paper tomorrow if there wasn't a storm. Shuli said that High Pitch Eric is going to be so jealous.
Howard congratulated John and Erica. Howard said that he's a great weather man. John is the real deal. John said he got his training while he was in the air force. He said he has flown into the eye of storms. He said in 1987 he broadcast live from a C-130. Howard said that Erica was just proposed to. He said that she must want to set a date. Erica said she didn't want to do that right now.
Howard said he can't depend on Gary tomorrow. He said that John Bolaris will be doing two shows on Howard 101 starting at 4pm. Gary came in and said that he just wants to say that this isn't an easy decision to make for him. Howard asked how they got back on this. Howard said he's just talking to the people who are going to be there tomorrow. Howard said Gary keeps interrupting.
Gary said he's not saying he won't be there. Howard said it would be funny if Gary showed up tomorrow and he didn't. Gary said that happened one year when they had a snow storm. He said he was the one who made it in and ran the Best of Tapes. Howard said now that Gary is gone they can talk about doing the show.
Gary Still Defensive About Being Dependable. 10/29/12. 8:45am
Howard said that Simon Cowell has apparently said that he wants to add Carmen Electra to America's Got Talent. He said he's not sure what he wants her on the show for.
Howard said he made reference to the scientists in Italy who were jailed for not predicting an earthquake. Howard said that they're all shaking in their boots there now.
Howard said he's still not sure what will happen with Jimmy Kimmel tomorrow. Howard said that he will just say no if he's asked if they can depend on him being there. Howard said he doesn't have to go into a huge explanation like Gary did. Howard said that all of the anger came pouring out of Gary when he brought it up. He said Jimmy isn't mad at him for saying he may not be there.
Gary was going off on Shuli for missing a bunch of days and almost getting fired. Shuli said that Gary is still on the attack. He said he doesn't know why he's attacking him.
Howard said that he was out with Jimmy on Saturday night and Jimmy was wondering what he had prepared for her show. Howard said he figured he'd just go on and have a conversation. Howard said he had nothing prepared. He said he doesn't know what he's expecting. Howard said he wants to go on the show but he's not sure what this storm is going to do. Howard said all of his guests canceled.
Howard said he's afraid to ask JD about what he should do on Jimmy's show. Howard said he had a weird idea for him to do a bit. He said it was something about scaring someone in a closet or something. JD came in and said that it was based off a bit where Ellen scares her guests. He said that Dave could have done that bit with Howard. Howard said that's such a weird suggestion. He said that's not what they do on Dave's show. JD said it was just a comedy bit that he wrote and it wasn't supposed to actually happen. Howard asked JD if he can depend on him being there tomorrow. JD said he can't get home so he'll be there. Howard said JD lives in the evacuation zone 365 days a year.
Howard said he read that Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed on to be in another Conan movie. He read that Sandy could cause tens of dollars worth of damage to his shrine. He heard that he left a message for Gary and he's stockpiling hair glue and toilet paper.
Howard asked Ronnie if he's going to be there tomorrow. Ronnie said if he can get into the city he will. He said he's not staying in the city. Howard told Ronnie to spend a night in the hotel. Ronnie said he has dogs there. Howard said he should stay in the city. Howard told him to find someone who lives in the city who can get him to work. Shuli said that he'll pick Howard up as well. Howard told Ronnie to find someone. Ronnie said he has to work on it and find someone. Howard said Ronnie wouldn't have worked on it if he hadn't told him to. Ronnie said that he would have. Shuli said Ronnie is dressed like Buddy Lee. Ronnie had no idea who that was. Shuli said that's a character on TV that sells jeans.
Howard said JD had some other ideas for him to do on Letterman. He said he had him doing fantasy football picks. JD said that he knew Howard wouldn't know what it is but it could have been funny. Howard said that's thinking way outside the box. JD said he had an idea and he put it out there. Howard thanked him for that. He said that's all of the help he gets.
Phone Calls And Goofing On Gary. 10/29/12. 8:55am
Howard said he hasn't taken any phone calls yet. Howard took one and the guy sounded like he was under water so he hung up. Before Howard spoke to the next caller he and Shuli were goofing on Gary rushing home to save his house before the tree falls on it. Howard told Gary he thinks that he should leave now. He said the rain has started so he should head home. Gary said the rain isn't a danger so he's not going home. Gary said he knows when a good time to leave is. Howard said he thinks he should go now.
Gary said he's not ready to go home. He said he can be depended upon to finish the show today. He said he's no KC. Howard said he thinks he should go home now because it could get bad rapidly. Gary said that John Bolaris thinks the worst is coming today at 2. Howard said he should hurry home now. Fred kept playing a car peeling out clip like Gary was rushing out of there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he lives two towns away from him and things aren't bad at all. He asked if he's talked to his parents yet. Howard said he did. He said that he called his mom on his cell phone and she couldn't hear him. Howard said he asked how she's doing and she said that she's fine. Howard said there's really nothing he can do if something happens to their house. Shuli said Gary has web cameras on his house at all times so he could be watching the place all the time.
Gary came in and said that he's back. He said he threw the asshole hook in the water and he bit. He said he wasn't going to bite but he did. Howard said if he's going home he should go now. Howard said he's just trying to figure out what he's doing tomorrow.
Howard had to let the caller go because he couldn't understand what he was saying. Howard took another call from a guy who thanked him for making it out all the time. He said Howard was there on 9/11 an 9/12. He said that he's not sure why Gary can't make it in tomorrow. He said that he should get his wife and kids and go to the hotel. Howard said maybe they should cut down their trees now. Gary said that the other thing that could happen is that the gutters get stopped up with leaves. Howard told him to get those things that cover the gutters. Gary said they don't work. Howard said they do work because he has them on his house.
Howard said he's in a meeting with Shuli, Fred, Benjy and Robin. He told Gary to get out of there. The caller said he will be at Kimmel tomorrow if Howard is there. Howard said you can't depend on him to be there. Howard said they should go to break so they can get out of there at 10. He said that he's worried about Gary getting home. Howard and the guys goofed on Gary some more about Gary heading home to save the wife and kids. They were making it like the movie ''Titanic'' with the music and story. they were all goofing on Gary about his teeth being used as flotation devices.
Howard said Gary just started yelling at him instead of just saying no when he asked if he could depend on him. He said all he had to do was say no. Howard said he guesses that Shuli and Fred have a staff to take care of their stuff like he and Robin do. Howard and the guys kept goofing on Gary about all of that. They were making up lyrics for the Titanic theme song.
Gary said that DePace just called and said he wanted it to be known that he was ordered to stay home. Howard said that's Doug Goodstein. Howard said he told him that the offices were closed but that has nothing to do with their show. Howard said Doug isn't there and nothing is going on with the weather. Howard wondered why Doug would tell Scott not to come in. Howard said Scott is useless anyway because Gange is there doing his job. Gange said he's missed a couple of shots but he's holding it in. He said his camera guy with a broken hand is there. He said he thinks that the executives are the ones who didn't want them coming in today. Gary said he heard that the lawyer's rap was that they didn't want someone hurt coming into work. Howard said that's what he told their guys. He said he will be there and the rest of them don't have to be there. Howard said they're going to take a break, do the news and get out of there.
Norm MacDonald Visits. 05/07/09. 8:55am
Howard said that Norm MacDonald was finally there. He gave him some plugs for some stuff he has done before and mentioned that he had banged Elle McPherson. Norm mentioned Swine Flu when he came in. They had fist bumped right before that so Howard was going to get into that with him. Norm had problems with his headphones so they had to call Gary in to fix them.
Norm said that he was hearing music in his headphones. Howard told him that it was a Baba Booey song parody that Fred was playing Norm didn't seem to know what was going on.
Howard told Norm that it's weird that they hadn't seen him in a long time and now all of a sudden he's showing up really often. Howard thought that Norm was chewing gum and told him to spit it out. Norm wasn't chewing anything but he hocked up a loogie and spit it on the floor. Howard told Norm it looks like he has some kind of illness.
Artie went over and picked it up for him instead. Howard told him to be careful with that. Howard told them to get the garbage out of there. Howard said that was disgusting and asked if he's ill. Norm said he's not.
Howard asked Norm if he's worried about the swine flu thing. Norm said that he used to worry about AIDS years ago when they said that everyone was going to get it. He said that it's pretty much gone away now and he's not worried about the flu thing.
Norm said that the people at Caroline's got upset with him for not doing enough press around this show he's doing. Norm said they asked him to do more press so he was doing interviews for a free newspaper and things like that. Howard said Norm should be able to sell enough by coming on this show and going on Letterman.
Norm told Artie that Bob Uecker wasn't too happy with the story he told on Letterman the last time he was on. Artie told the story again and said that it was the funniest 24 hours he's ever spent.
Artie said that he and Norm went out to visit the guy and Bob was announcing games at the time. He said that Bob would have a cough button in the studio and he would hit the button and make comments about the hot chicks in the crowd in the middle of calling a game. He told Howard about that for a short time and filled Howard in on how that worked.
Norm told a story about Bob seeing John Fogarty in the crowd at one point and he told them that he was going to get that fucker up there to sing for them. Norm said that Bob was cursing and telling them all of the shit that ''fucker'' did.
Howard said that Bob has a clean cut image and he doesn't want that kind of stuff out there. Norm said that he wasn't too happy with the whole thing that Artie did.
Artie said that Bob was on that show ''Mr. Belvedere'' and Bob kind of freaked out that the guy who played that guy might be gay. Artie and Norm told a few stories about him where he was saying really funny stuff about people being gay and stuff like that. Artie said the guy is the funniest guy he's ever met in his life.
Howard said he can't imagine Norm hanging out with the guy. Norm said that he went up to the booth with him recently and Bob mentioned Artie but called him ''Artie Klein.'' Norm said Bob told him that Artie must be running out of material if he's telling those stories about him.
Norm told Howard some other stuff about Bob and one story was about how he's old but still has great knees and how he can still give a great blow job. Norm said that he probably shouldn't be saying that stuff. Artie said that he and Norm have to do their impressions of Bob Uecker when they call each other to this day.
Howard said he was reading about how Mel Gibson was keeping his divorce a secret so the Catholic church wouldn't kick him out. Howard said he's apparently been paying her a million a month to keep her quiet about the whole thing.
Howard mentioned that Norm is at Caroline's this weekend. He said he had a great time hanging out with Norm the last time he was there. Robin missed that so Howard asked her if she's going to be away again this weekend. Robin said she's going out to California for her nephew's birthday.
Artie said back when they were shooting Dirty Work they were rehearsing. He said that Saget was walking them through the scenes and Norm and this girl were doing their lines and Norm hocked up a loogie and spit it on the wall of the Four Seasons hotel. Artie said the girl was horrified.
Howard said Greg Fitzsimmons was doing an interview with this girl Laura Kightlinger and she hates him. Norm just laughed. Artie said that she's a stand-up and Norm knows who she is. Norm said he has no problem with her. Howard played the audio of Laura going off on Norm on the Greg Fitzsimmons show that airs Monday nights at Midnight on Howard 101.
In the clip Laura said that Norm loves to pit people against each other and he'd pass along articles about people on SNL saying stuff about each other. She said that Norm wasn't a nice person and he didn't treat her very well or anyone else on the show.
Norm said that he didn't remember her from the show other than her ''hit characters on the show.'' Norm said that Janeane Garofalo used to bad mouth people and he'd ask them why she was out there doing that. That's all he was doing back then.
Howard said Norm looked surprised that Laura was saying that he was supposed to be her guide at SNL. Norm said that she came in right after he did so he wasn't sure why he would be her guide. Norm also said he has no idea how to tell women to be funny so that's nonsense.
Howard said he finds Norm to be a very pleasant man. He doesn't understand this stuff. Norm said he doesn't get it either. He said that he and Adam Sandler are buddies. Norm said he was pissing this woman off by ''reading the newspaper.''
Howard asked Norm if he's working on this new Adam Sandler movie. Norm said he's not working on it, but he will be in it. Norm said he did Billy Madison 15 years ago and he must have done so good that they're asking him back.
Artie told some stories about working with Jack Warden on ''Dirty Work'' too. He said that Bob Saget gave him some acting notes one day and Jack gave him a hard time about that when he paused at the beginning of a scene and told Saget he didn't want to forget his notes.
Artie told some stories about Don Rickles as well. Norm told some stories about Jack forgetting his lines and how they'd tell him he was doing just fine and Jack would tell them not to bullshit him. Norm said in one scene he was supposed to tell him about how hockey was a tough sport and Jack forgot his lines. He said that Jack just said his name a bunch of times and tried to get through it without remembering the lines.
Howard said Norm seems to be a man's man and asked if he thinks that women really can't be funny. Norm said when he was in school there would be laughs and when you'd run over to see who was being funny there would be a girl in the middle of the group. He was being sarcastic and said that he does find people like Tina Fey, Roseanne, Laurie Metcalf and others funny. Norm said that the stand-up isn't so easy and he's not sure why there are so few women that can do it. Artie said he thinks it's just a man's world.
Norm said that women seem to hate each other's guts and they're kind of phonies. Howard said he knows what he's talking about and knows how phony some of them can be.
Howard said that Sarah Silverman is funny doing stand-up. Norm said that they say that she's like a dude when she does her stand-up. Artie said he heard her tell a joke about how she had blown a Mexican guy and had diarrhea for three weeks after. He said that's the kind of joke that a guy would write.
Howard gave Norm some more plugs and Norm got all upset that they were asking him to do all of this extra press that they wanted him to do. Norm said he was doing Stern and Letterman and that wasn't enough for them.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw Norm on Conan not too long ago and he thought he was drunk. Norm said he doesn't drink. Norm said that he kind of slurs his words so he gets why people think that he's drunk.
Howard asked Norm if he's playing a character. Norm said his thoughts wander a lot so that might be another problem. He said that he gets that all the time when he talks to people and they think he's drunk.
Howard asked Norm if he's getting any chicks. Norm said he's making Colin Quinn look like Hugh Hefner right now. He talked about how funny Colin is and how he really shouldn't worry about his career so much. Howard said Colin is saying he's staying away from women until he gets his career on track. Norm said he doesn't understand that because he doesn't really go out with women.
Norm told Howard he saw some internet pornography recently and it was disturbing. Norm said that they used to show him stuff back at SNL that was faked. He said that's what he thought internet porn was until about 2 months ago. Then he saw the real stuff about 2 months ago and you can see every god dammed thing now. Norm said you start wondering why a chick can only take 6 cocks up her ass and more on to more hard core stuff.
Howard said he thought that Norm had some kind of hang up about sex. He's glad that he's watching that internet porn. Norm said he used to watch it with girlfriends and stuff and they'd do what they saw in the movies. He didn't get too detailed about that though.
Norm said that he doesn't think that he was raped as a child but he can't say that with 100 percent assurance. He said that if you repress that stuff then maybe he was. He said he doesn't think that stuff would slip his mind and it would probably be the one thing he would remember and he'd forget everything else if he was fucked in the ass.
Norm said that he'd probably forget about going to school and stuff and all he'd remember was his uncle's cock. He said that he'd probably think it was huge even if it wasn't all that big. Howard said that you would remember something like that.
Howard took another call, from the third Mark in a row, who said he thought Norm killed at the Stress Factory a couple of weeks ago. He said he was great down there. Howard wondered what was up with the name of the club. He wondered why they would name it something like that. Norm thought it was an odd name too.
Howard took a call from a guy who had fallen asleep. He was snoring. Howard said some guys fall asleep listening because they're on the line so long.
Norm told another Bob Uecker story about Don Drysdale. He was doing an impression of Uecker telling the story and Howard said it seemed like Bob was the Ashton Kutcher of his day based on that story. Artie told the second part of the story that Norm didn't want to tell. Artie said that they had kidnapped this one guy and told him that they were going to kill him but they just broke the news that they were fucking with him.
Artie told some other stories that Uecker told them about Harry Caray that he actually told on Letterman the last time he was on. Artie said that they scammed Harry into thinking that he was seeing a stripper nude while no one else did.
Howard said the caller was still asleep on the phone. Howard hung up on him and took a call from High Pitch Eric. Eric said he had a story about Norm. He said he went to an after party for a movie one time and got hammered with him. Norm said he didn't get drunk with him but he remembers talking to him.
Artie and Norm talked about the poker games they played for Sam Simon and how they didn't know that they were playing with their own money. Norm said Dave Chappelle lost like 10 grand that day and had no idea he was playing with his own money. Artie said they had a great time that day and laughed the whole day. Norm said he had a great time out there doing that.
Howard asked Norm if he knew that Artie didn't have a phone right now. Norm said he hasn't been able to get in touch with him because he has like 300 phone numbers. Howard filled Norm in on how Artie has cops living with him and he's not allowed to have a phone.
Artie talked about how Chris Farley was in Dirty Work and that was the last film he appeared in. He said they had a guy who was supposed to keep him from doing drugs but Farley would have chicks going into his trailer with weed and drinks all the time while the guy was over talking to Saget telling him how much he loved Full House.
Artie said the lowest moment in his life was when he bought the clean piss from the kid who was trying to be a fire fighter last year.
Norm said Artie is looking great right now. He has people asking him about him all the time and he has no idea how he's doing. Norm said Artie seems coherent these days. He said he thinks that he's funnier when he's sober and he's glad that he's cleaned up. Artie claims he's been clean for a month now. He's been under this martial law thing for about a week now though.
Howard asked Norm if he misses being on Saturday Night Live. Norm said he actually does. Howard said he doesn't think of him being sentimental about that kind of stuff. Norm said he has a picture of him and his son sitting at the Weekend Update desk together. He's sentimental about that.
Artie told Norm to tell the story about Magic Johnson. Norm told Artie to tell the story. Artie said Norm and his son were going up to get an autograph from Magic one time and the kid was about 7 at the time. The kid handed him the pen and Magic just said ''cap off!'' and the kid had to take the cap off for him. Norm said that he did get the autograph but he did have to take the cap off the pen first.
Norm said he had a guy throw a cigarette at him when he tried to get an autograph one time. He said that was Dave ''The Hammer'' Schultz. Norm said he actually thought that was kind of cool.
Howard said he used to tell people they were crazy when he was asked if he had any stuff from his career hanging in his house. Now he has some of that stuff hanging in his office. He said he likes looking back at that stuff now.
Howard wrapped up with Norm and gave him some more plugs for his upcoming gigs at Caroline's this weekend and all of that stuff. Norm also asked Howard how he's doing. Howard said he's doing great with Beth and told him that he'd be lonely without her. Howard said he and Beth like hanging out and watching movies together and things like that.
Howard asked Norm if he misses that kind of stuff. Norm said he wishes that he was with his son all the time. He and his wife split the time 50/50. Howard asked if he ever wants to be in a relationship. Norm was laughing and Howard thought he was making a joke. Norm started to hock up another loogie and wasn't taking the conversation very seriously.
Norm said life is brief and he doesn't want to spend time talking to a woman who tells him about how many words a minute she can type. He said he doesn't relate to them very well and has no desire to talk to them like that. Norm said that he can get tired of women but he never gets tired of seeing his shiny, red cock.
Artie said that he imagines the perfect life as laying in bed and watching a baseball game and then a woman walks in, fucks him, and then goes away.
Robin said there are guys out there who don't want to spend any time with women at all. Norm said he has some female friends and his best friend is a woman. Howard asked if there's a mother issue there. Norm said he doesn't fear stuff like that.
Artie said Norm is one of the best friends he's ever had. He said Norm isn't a loner, he likes funny people who like hanging out. Howard said there's so much more to learn but he has to move on. Howard told Norm that he can be his friend, just don't bother him. He had to wrap up and got to break a short time later.
Wendy The Retard Losing Her Mind. 10/01/04. 9:55am
Howard played some voice mail that Wendy the Retard left for them. She was yelling about how she didn't have any power down in Florida where she lives and how pissed off she was. She also hadn't taken a shower in three days which was a pretty scary thought to Howard. She was screaming about how bored she was and how she smells like a pig because she can't take a shower. She went on and on for minutes about her problems. She was even begging for someone to rape her for some reason. Wendy was losing her mind because of the power loss down there. She didn't have her radio or her computer to keep her entertained. She said she was so hungry that she could eat her own leg.
Howard had Robin start her news after the Wendy the Retard voice mail. Wendy called in a short time later after another caller said that she should win an F-Emmy next year. Gary came in and said that Wendy leaves messages for Will between midnight and 4 in the morning so they wondered if she ever sleeps. Wendy said she sleeps in the morning sometimes if she stays up late. She has the life because she doesn't work or go to school or anything. She plays on her computer, listens to Howard and does that kind of stuff.
High Pitch Erik called in and told Wendy that he loves her. Howard was so sickened that he had to hang up on him. Wendy played herself off the air by performing a Karaoke version of some unrecognizable song. Fred played a clip of a guy screaming in pain while she was singing. Howard had to hang up on her because the singing was so bad.
Howard took a call from a woman who told him that she knows people get upset that he talks about politics but if he didn't, she wouldn't have registered to vote. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to her about how her child, who is 13 now, could end up being drafted in 5 years if the war in Iraq continues going the way it's going. The woman wants him to keep talking politics so Howard assured her he would do that but he'd have to slip in some audio clips (from porn movies) to keep everyone happy.
Howard 100 News And Wrap Up Show Previews. 06/25/07. 10:05am
Howard said he got an article about this senator Herb Cole who owns the Milwaukee Bucks and has an interest in a terrestrial radio station and they might lose revenue if the merger between XM and SIRIUS goes through. The guys spent a few minutes talking about that for a short time. Howard and Artie said that it's unbelievable. That's not the only senator that has a conflict of interest with the merger thing. Fred said there's another guy who is part of a group trying to stop the merger and he's the owner of a radio station. Howard said that it really carries a lot of weight when a senator says something like that and it's just wrong.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. He said that they have an interview with the guy Howard saved from jumping off a bridge 13 years ago. Emilio Bonilla is doing well and still loves the show according to Steve. Steve also mentioned that they have a story about High Pitch Mike and how he's still not using his big screen TV. Steve said he showed up at his apartment asking to see the TV being unopened but he refused to show it.
Gary said that Mike gave him a tape where the two of them were going back and forth about seeing the TV. Mike was telling Steve that he didn't want to let Steve into his apartment. Mike came in and told Howard that he's planning to move soon and he doesn't want the TV to get messed up. He said that he's kept it in the box because of that. He said he doesn't want Steve in his apartment because he's creepy. Howard told Mike he's creepy too though.
Mike said that Steve said something him to him in Spanish that means he wants to put his tongue in his ass or something. Steve said that Mike taught him that line. Mike said something else pisses him off about Steve. He said he went to NYU and worked his ass off there. He said that Steve questions him about that. Steve said that's his job, he questions everything. Howard said that Steve has been investigating the news team ever since American Idol came to an end.
Mike said that he doesn't want Steve coming to his apartment but Steve said he thinks that he's got something to hide. He's just doing his job. Mike had brought in some audio of Steve talking to Michael Moore about his Canadian citizenship but Steve didn't think that was much of a story.
Mike said that he's got a roommate that has a 6 year old kid and he didn't want Steve to be around that kid. He said that they can send up the Howard TV guys to the apartment but not Steve. Steve asked him what he's hiding up there. Mike said he just doesn't want Steve up there.
Howard said he could listen to Mike's voice all day long. He asked him if he could make it deeper. Mike tried it but it wasn't much lower. Steve and Mike went back and forth with the whole thing but they weren't getting anywhere. Steve said that maybe they could send Lisa G up to his apartment instead. Mike said he didn't care so they set that up.
Mike was digging himself a hole when he started talking about how Lisa G had called him a Jew when she talked to him about the TV. He said that's coming from her and she's the Jewiest person in the news room. He said that she's very cheap and takes off every Jewish Holiday and then said that he thinks that if he has to work on a Jewish holiday, she should to. Howard heard that Mike went to Disney World all by himself for a week. Mike said he did do that and there were even special lines for the single people down there. Artie was laughing his ass off every time he said something about that trip.
Artie asked Mike how old he was. Mike said he was 29 and Artie laughed again. He said that he's 29 and he has a happening job but he goes to Disney World. Robin said that there are other people who you'd want arrested for going to Disney alone. Howard said that it must scare the crap out of kids when they see Mike sitting there on a ride.
Howard heard that Mike went to a Madonna concert alone too. That made Artie laugh his ass off even more. Ralph had called in as well so he was laughing along with him. Mike said that he's not Mr. Popularity so he has to go alone to stuff like that. He said he has friends but he didn't have anyone to go to Florida with. Artie said that no one in that studio is ''Mr. Popularity'' but they don't go to stuff like that alone. He asked Mike if he sang ''Starlight Starbright'' or ''Who's That Girl'' at the concert. He could barely get out the line because he was laughing so hard.
Gary asked Mike if he cried during the episode of ''Run's House'' when Run lost his baby. Mike said he didn't cry, but it was very sentimental. Gary said everyone was telling him that he had cried. Ralph said that he likes that Steve is turning on all of his people. Mike was still saying that he didn't want Steve in his apartment because he thought he was too creepy.
Howard heard that Mike is throwing himself a karaoke birthday party. Mike said he loves how people throw this stuff around. He said he thought it would be a fun thing to get everyone together to party like that. Howard wondered if Mike would hang out with JD and maybe take him to Disney. JD came in and said that he likes working with Mike but he wouldn't go to Disney with him. That led to Howard saying that he wants to have a contest where they take these two and put them in a bar to see who can pick up a girl first. JD said that he doesn't want anything to do with that.
Howard said that his money would be on Mike if they did that contest. He did an impression of Mike and talked about what he might do to pick up a chick. He also said he'd like to get the Oceans 13 script and have the two of them buddy up for a remake of the movie. They could get that Darth Nihilus character make an appearance too. Howard realized that he had to get going so he asked himself what he was doing with this stuff.
Mike talked a little bit more about the trip to Disney. Howard was also talking to Mike about his sex life and found out he's only been with two girls. He had been wondering if he or JD had more chicks. JD has had a couple himself. Howard asked Mike if he would do a porno chick. Mike said that he would if she was tested. Ralph told him he can't be that picky. Mike said that he loves watching Artie laugh now because he knows when he goes home, it's nothing but sadness. Artie said that he makes him feel better about his own life.
The guys asked Mike about this 6 year old kid that lives at his apartment on the weekends. Mike said that the parents are divorced and the father lives with him and gets custody on the weekends. He said that the guy is his friend and he's the godfather of the child. That got Artie going too. He started doing his Godfather impressions and goofed on Mike for a few minutes. He was doing the scenes in his high pitch voice as if he were Mike the Godfather. He had Howard and Robin cracking up doing that.
Howard asked Mike if it was true that it was also gay week down at Disney when he was down there. Mike said that the dates of his trip... Artie was laughing so hard he couldn't finish. He could barely get his jokes out when he was trying to goof on Mike. Howard asked Mike what happened there. Mike said that his trip only overlapped the gay day by one day. He didn't plan to be there for the gay thing. Artie was still laughing his ass off at all of that.
Howard told Mike he admires him for being able to go out and go to a park like that all by himself. Mike was trying to goof on Artie asking him when he's going to get a chick but Artie was still laughing his ass off. A few seconds later Gary came in with a script from one of the Oceans movies so JD and Mike could reenact that. JD and Mike did their thing but JD said a line that was supposed to be ''pure ego'' but it came out like ''Prairie Goat'' so Howard and Robin got a laugh out of that.
Howard wrapped up with everyone a short time later. He asked Steve if he was done. Steve got in a plug for Chuck Zito's show that airs tonight at 7pm on Howard 101 and then Jon Hein came in with his show preview. Jon mentioned that they'll talk about Darrell Hammond's visit to the show. They'll also talk about Nicole taking her top off to get into the studio for a tour. They'll also talk about all of the stuff that just went on with Mike and Steve.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he almost passed out laughing at that segment of the show. Howard took another call from a guy who said they have to keep Mike out of the studio because he was laughing so hard. Howard had to go to break after that.
Testing The RoboSpanker. 11/05/04. 6:20am
Howard said he can't wait to use the new RoboSpanker that they got for the studio. Gary and a couple of the other guys tried it out when they set it up in there after the show the other day. You can see pictures over at HowardStern.com. Robin was going to check it out but not actually get spanked so she went over to see it. Doug Goodstein from E! was in the studio and Robin pointed out that he colored his hair. Doug said he did it last week when he was on vacation and thought he was going to get away with it until Robin pointed it out earlier this week. Doug got into the RoboSpanker so Howard could demonstrate the new machine. He got in and took a few whacks. Howard had a remote control so he could control the machine from across the studio. Doug said it hurt but he wasn't going to scream like a girl. Artie thought that the RoboSpanker would be a great way for them to settle bets. They could throw the loser in the machine and spank them instead of paying off bets.
Gary said that the weirdest thing the inventor of the machine told them was that he once got in the machine and lost track of time and spent 5 hours in it getting spanked. Gary got into the machine and took 2 spanks before he bailed out of it. Sal the Stockbroker told Howard that he was ''spanking his monkey.''
Dominic Barbara called in so Howard goofed on him about his weight loss and dyed hair a little bit. Dominic wanted to talk about the card game that Howard was going to play in but Howard didn't want to talk to him about it. He also warned Dominic not to show up to the game because he'll leave if that happens.
Artie told Howard there's no way he'd get into that machine. He'd seen two guys get in it already but that's not an image he wanted to see. Gary told Howard to get Robin Radzinski to get in the machine. Doug came in and said that Scott DePace told him ''no way'' when he asked him to do it. Scott came in and said that it was the gayest thing and there's no way he's going to do it. Gary offered him a copy of ''Halo 2'' if he'd get into the machine but Scott wasn't willing to do it for that even though he wanted to get the game. Gary thought it was funny how the whole machine shakes and wiggles when they spank. Someone said they give it a week before it falls apart. Gary went out to find someone to get into the machine. Howard wanted to get Scott the Engineer in there so Doug suggested that they put him in backwards so they could spank his head. Gary came back a minute later with an intern who might want to do it. Gary said that she's an adult and not just a college kid. Howard said he wasn't going to do it because she's an intern. He wasn't going to break any of his own rules about doing stuff like that. Gary told Howard that his butt was still stinging after the couple of spanks he got. It's not a gentle thing.
Tom Chiusano came in and told Howard he was doing the right thing by not spanking the intern. Howard told Tom to get into the thing so he could spank him instead. Of course Tom refused. Howard tried to convince him to get in it anyway but there was no way he was going to let that happen. Robin wasn't going to get in it either so Gary was trying to convince her to get in it. There was a vibrating function on the machine so they wanted her to see how that worked. It wasn't happening so Howard said they need to get some strippers from Scores in there. Howard likes the sound that the machine makes when it's spanking. He said it sounds like you're in the basement in the movie ''Silence of the Lambs.''
A phone caller asked Howard about who owns that machine. It's actually property of Infinity so they'd keep it if Howard left. Tom told Howard that he might be willing to give it to Howard as a gift when he leaves. Howard said he'll probably get a cease and desist letter from Joel Hollender if he did take the thing. Artie said that Richard Christy should get in the thing because he'd be willing to do that. Howard had Richard come in because he has a ton of porn on his computer. He asked him about the amount of porn he keeps on his computer. Richard said he has about 30 gigs of porn that he keeps and there's probably about 250 chicks on there. Gary had Richard talk about how he finds the chicks on the weekend and only pleasures himself on weekends but he'll do it 5 or 6 times in one night. Richard said that he hasn't had sex in about a year and before that it was about 10 years. He's only had one woman in the past 11 years. Richard said that he's so picky that he just can't get the caliber of chicks he wants. He said he'd rather be with himself than pick up a slob. Howard had to take a break so he cut them off and said he'd talk to Richard later.
Richard Christy's Porn Collection. 11/05/04. 6:50am
After the break Howard had a ''I Am RoboSpanker'' song parody to the tune of ''Iron Man.'' Howard has a new thing for his bulletin board where they can upload pictures almost immediately. Once they get some women to get into the RoboSpanker, they'll start posting stuff like that. Howard had a phony Daniel Carver KKK message that they put together. They had him talking about how the gay's are beautiful and asking to have someone spit in his face. Robin wondered if they could call into his machine and replace his real message with that one. Howard said that would be pretty funny. The guys had a porn clip of someone gagging so Robin wondered if they got that from Richard Christy's porn collection. Howard had Richard come back in after that so they could talk to him about his porn collection.
Richard said that he had sex way back in 1993 a couple of times and didn't have anyone between then and 2003. He said that the sex was great though when that next woman came around. He said that women are kind of a pain in the ass so that's why he doesn't hook up with them that often. Richard has his porn collection that he's been collecting for years. He sets down with his computer on Friday nights and walks around his apartment naked sometimes when he's finding new porn on the web. He talked about how he looks at himself in his full length mirror as he's pleasuring himself. He wondered if that's gay because he doesn't think about himself, he thinks about women. Howard wondered if he's got all of that stuff on the laptop he carries around. He said that's where it is and that's where he does all of his work. Richard has about 30 gigs of porn so he backs it up to DVD so he doesn't lose it.
Richard told Howard that there are enough free porn sites out there that he doesn't have to pay for it. He downloads what he can and saves it all to his hard drive. He told the guys that he made sure to get a big screen on his laptop so he can watch video and put stills of the same girl up on the screen at the same time. Richard told the guys that he drinks when he does that stuff and he's passed out while drinking and when he woke up, he was still holding his package in his hand. He admitted that he's tried some odd things when he's pleasured himself. He's used lotion and a roll of paper towels to pleasure himself off. Gary said that Richard organizes all of this stuff on his computer in a way you can't imagine. He's got them all cataloged so he can find the stuff really quickly. Howard wondered who his favorites are. Richard said that Jenna Jameson and Kitana Baker are a couple of them.
Artie asked Richard if he knew who the Playmate of the year was back in 1996. He knew it was Stacy Sanches. The guys thought that was pretty impressive that he could remember that. Howard took some phone calls after that and a few people told Richard how creepy he sounded talking about this stuff. Gary said that Richard used to be in a band years ago and they used to tour all over the country so he wondered why he didn't get laid. Richard said the other guys got laid but he's too picky to go with the groupies that were following them around.
Howard had Richard get into the RoboSpanker so they could test out their picture uploading. They were going to have him get in there bare assed to test out the spanker. Artie still couldn't believe that Richard couldn't get laid while he was in a speed metal band touring around Europe. Richard said he tried but just couldn't close the deal. Richard got into the machine and let Howard spank him remotely. He could only take about 3 or 4 whacks before he asked him to stop. Howard wondered if he got excited after the spanking. He said he didn't but Gary was looking at the monitor and thought it looked like he was aroused. Richard just laughed and asked ''Isn't technology great?'' in that Southern drawl of his. Howard had to go to commercial break right after that.
More Various Stuff. 5/13/02. 8:05am
After taking another break Howard came back and started talking about how it looked like Mike Gange gained some weight after the Bally Total Fitness weight loss challenge thing ended last week. He had Gange get on a scale so they could weigh him in again. He told Howard he weighed 201 pounds last week and when he got on the scale today he weighed 218! He was wearing clothes so Howard gave him 5 pounds for that. Gange said it was also the scale they had him on. Howard said it's got nothing to do with that and he weighs a lot more than he did last week. Gange said he didn't eat all that much since then so he can't believe he gained that much weight.
Gange owes Benjy $1000 for a side bet they had about who would lose the most weight but he hasn't paid it yet. Gange said he's waiting for Benjy to ask for the money. Benjy said he'd do a double or nothing bet with Gange if he wrestles him. Gange said he doesn't even want to touch him though.
Howard spent a short time goofing on KC too. He heard that KC was talking to someone about putting meat in a sauce to season it. Howard asked him what he calls that process. KC said that it's ''serenading'' the meat. Howard talked to him about ''serenading'' his meat and pretended that it was the right way to say it. He then broke the news to him that it's marinade, not serenade. He called KC an idiot and couldn't believe he even got a 720 combined on his SAT scores.
Shuli's Two Awful Emmy Award Interviews. 08/31/10. 8:30am
Howard said they were supposed to send Eric the Midget to the red carpet at the Emmy awards. That fell through so they sent Shuli out there instead. Howard said there weren't that many good people to interview though. He said that Shuli kept telling people he was from the Howard Stern channel. Shuli came in and said that he just did that for people he knew were fans. He said they weren't on the red carpet either. They were at an after party.
Howard said the best one was from the one woman who didn't know who Shuli was. Howard said it was with someone he had never heard of too. Shuli said she was from ''The Office'' and she ended up coming back to yell at him.
Shuli asked Melora Hardin about what she likes on SIRIUS and she named a bunch of channels that play music but no talk stations. Shuli asked her if she had any messages for the trapped Chilean miners. She didn't know what to say. Shuli asked her if she feels bad going out and celebrating while something bad is going on. Melora said that people need to feel joy and there are always bad things going on in this world.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about the miners who are stuck in the mind in Chile and how awful it must be to work down there. Gary said that they're saying that the mining company went out of business and the workers may not even get paid while they're stuck down there.
Shuli asked Melora if she's ever used the N-word. She said she hasn't. She answered the questions very pleasantly and left a short time later. Then she came back to Shuli a few minutes later and told him that the questions he asked weren't very appropriate. Shuli said he asked her if she watches porn after that and she said she didn't. Then she left and he thought things were fine. Howard said he didn't think they were that inappropriate. He said the chick isn't even that old and you'd think she'd be okay with questions like he asked.
Howard said Shuli got an interview with this guy who was on Dancing with the Stars. He wasn't even up for an Emmy. Shuli said the PR people go running up and down the line the whole time. He said that it's kind of embarrassing.
Howard played another interview Shuli did with the guy from Dancing with the Stars. He asked how many girls he had banged and the guy said that wasn't a question. He walked away. Shuli said he had a follow up though.
Howard said those were the only good ones. He said Shuli was telling everyone else where he was from so it kind of ruined it. Howard said they basically sent him out there just to do two shitty interviews. He said Eric the Midget would have been a pain in the ass if they had sent him.
Gary said he had the clip that Shuli mentioned earlier. Shuli asked them if they had any words for the miners who were trapped. One girl wished them luck and said she hopes they can make it.
Shuli said that he had a story about his trip home. He said he was stuck on the plane in the middle seat. He said he was afraid he was going to get stuck with someone awful. He said a married couple showed up and the guy was a 300 pound rabbi. He said that he asked to change seats with them and they didn't want to change. He said that he was stuck in the middle. He said the guy wasn't wearing any deodorant so he reeked. He said the woman was eating before they even took off. Shuli said the food stunk and the guy stunk and it was awful. Shuli said he passed out sleeping once they took off. Then 30 minutes into his nap he got tapped on the shoulder. The woman had to go to the bathroom. He said the two of them had to get up and there were no empty seats.
Shuli said she came back and he was just pissed and watching TV. He said he wasn't able to breath through his nose from the smell. He said he was boiling with anger from the whole thing. Then there was a baby that just showed up out of nowhere. He had to pass the baby over to the wife from some other guy on the plane. Shuli said he was asked to hold the baby for a second and he looked at the guy and said if he wanted to fly he would have brought his own kid.
Shuli said that the guy said something into Hebrew to his wife and it was basically saying ''That's why I don't like them.'' Shuli said the guy didn't know that he understood him. Shuli said that he responded in Hebrew and told him to go fuck his mother in his ass. He said the guy's eyes opened up wide and his wife gasped for air. Then the guy came back, sat down and didn't say a word the rest of the flight. Shuli said he had his feet up and he enjoyed the rest of his flight. Shuli said he doesn't know what he thought he was. He said he was so pissed from the start.
Howard asked Shuli about growing up in Israel and how he learned to speak Hebrew. Shuli said he was born there and he can speak the language. Howard said he admires when anyone can speak more than one language. He said the language to know right now is Chinese. He said they're taking over.
Gary told Howard that the Melora chick had tweeted about Shuli's interview. He read her tweet to Howard and she said that the guy was ''very rude'' and she told him so. Howard said that woman sounds like a nut. Shuli said he loves that she twittered about him. Howard asked if she's hot. Shuli said she's hit the wall. Howard said he has to go deal with another uncomfortable situation now. He had to get to Greg Fitzsimmons.
The Iron Sheik Visits. 08/02/07. 8:25am
After the break we heard a prank call that the guys made to Tabitha Stevens using Wood Yi (Steve the Engineer) from K-Rock. Fred also played a ''Who's High Pitch'' song parody. Howard came back a short time later and said that it was time to bring in the Iron Sheik whose clips they have been listening to quite a bit lately. He said that Sheik has been waiting for over an hour out in the green room.
Howard said that on August 10th they have something very big happening. He said that's when Rush Hour 3 is opening. He had to do a commercial in the middle of all of that talk up. He then had the guys bring in The Iron Sheik. Sheik came in and said it was a pleasure to be there today. He thanked Howard for inviting him in. Howard had him put on his headphones so he could hear what was going on and then told him how his grandfather worshiped the Iron Sheik. He said he'd be so proud of him if he knew he got to meet him.
Howard said that this is two legends meeting this morning. Sheik told Howard about this medal he brought in with him. He wanted him to read it so Howard read it and it was something from 1971. He said that he came over to this country back then after being the Shah of Iran's body guard.
Howard asked Sheik who discovered him here in the States. He said it was Vince McMahon. Howard said he thinks that Vince McMahon has forgotten about Sheik and wondered if he's still on the payroll. Sheik told him that's a great question. He then started getting worked up and telling Howard that he sold out shows in Pontiac, Michigan and things like that. Then Howard asked him about Hulk Hogan and why he's still involved with wrestling. Sheik said he should be there right along with Hulk. He said that Hulk was a weight lifter and he told people not to use drugs so he wondered what the fuck he was doing.
Sheik was all over the place talking about the wrestling stuff and calling people fags. He said that Hulk is a fag to him. He said that someone asked him to break Hulk's legs one time but he didn't do it because he's twice the man that he is. He said that he's not jealous of Hulk's money but he does get pissed off when he thinks back to the days when he was acting like a phony. He said that hulk told him he ''owed him one'' one time but never did anything for him.
Howard was trying to get Sheik all worked up asking him why he's not part of the wrestling scene now. He used to be huge in the wrestling scene and now he's been forgotten. Sheik said that's true and went off on Hulk again. He said that he's a gold digger. He explained how he had left the WWE and went to other wrestling leagues.
Howard told Sheik that they found this new guy Iron Sheik Jr. (Artie) so he put him on the mic and let Artie try to get Sheik worked up. Artie did his impression of Sheik and went off on him as if he were the real Sheik. Sheik started to go off on him like battling Sheiks. Artie was talking over him and not letting him get a word in. Howard told Sheik that Sheik Jr. was getting $2 million from Vince McMahon to do his thing. Sheik told Artie to come in and show himself if he's man enough. He told him he was going to fuck his ass and break his back to make him humble.
Sheik told Sheik Jr. That talk is cheap and he should show himself. Howard had to get rid of Artie to calm everyone down. Sheik was out of breath from yelling. He said he was all excited over that and that's why he was all out of breath. Howard told Sheik that Sheik Jr. Had been signed on for $2 million and that was just wrong. Sheik asked for a cold beer and said that the guy got him all excited and if he was there, he'd put him in the camel clutch and fuck him in the ass. He said he'd do that to humble him.
Artie had been out of the studio so when he came back in Howard told Artie what had just gone on. Sheik kind of knew that it was him so he told him he'd fuck his fat ass if he fucked with him. He told him not to fuck with him because he's heard about him. He said that Artie might be bad but he's the master of the bad.
Howard told Sheik that he had Ultimate Warrior live via satellite for him. It was actually Richard Christy doing an impression of Ultimate Warrior. He told Sheik that he'd beat his ass. That got Sheik all worked up again and he was telling Warrior that he was a faggot for shaving his chest. He was ready to wrestle the guy but Howard got rid of him and said ''fuck that guy'' and moved on to the next guy.
Howard said they had Randy ''Macho Man'' Savage live via satellite as well. Sheik went off on him before they even put him up. Sheik called him a cheap, Jew, son of a bitch. Sal was playing the part of Randy and called Sheik some names and told him he was ready to wrestle him. Sheik told him he was a Jew son of a bitch a few times and yelled at him for a couple of minutes. Sal was throwing out as many racist comments as he could. He also whipped out his cock and put it next to a picture of Sheik. That pissed him off even more.
Howard let ''Randy'' go and talked to Sheik about what a great performer he is. Sheik told him he's right and he should have been treated that way. He's broke now though. Howard asked him about Andre the Giant. Sheik said he was a piece of shit too. He went off on him for a short time calling him names and goofing on him.
Anal Ring Toss With Bubba And Iron Sheik. 08/02/07. 8:55am
Howard told Sheik that they were going to play this Anal Ring Toss game. They were going to have this girl come in and stick a stick up her ass and they have to throw rings on her ass. Sheik didn't know what he was talking about so he was going to have to demonstrate it more.
Howard had Bubba the Love Sponge come in because he was going to be playing today. Bubba came in and said that he was hearing all of this bullshit from Sheik and he thinks that he's just a self-promotion machine. He said that Hogan isn't a faggot and he's a very smart man who made a lot of money doing what he did. He started to argue with some of the things that Sheik was claiming and was ready to start wrestling him. Sheik was ready to take him on but Howard told them they weren't going to do that.
Bubba was saying that Sheik never won an Olympic gold medal like he claimed, he had some other kind of gold medal. Bubba was also calling him out on some other things that he claimed. He said that Sheik is just a ''jobber'' and wasn't impressed by that. The two of them went off on each other calling each other names. Sheik was telling Bubba he was a fat, ugly piece of shit... and of course a ''faggot.''
Bubba said he was sorry to Howard but didn't apologize to Sheik at all. Howard wanted to settle everything with Anal Ring Toss. Bubba said that he and Sheik had some good heat going on between them. Howard tried to calm Sheik down and brought in the hot chick that was going to have the stick in her ass.
AJ came in and seemed to calm the savage beast that is Iron Sheik. He stayed calm for about 5 seconds before Howard told him they had The Killer Bees live via satellite. They had Sal and Richard on again trying to get Sheik all riled up again. It worked. They had him yelling at them within seconds. Howard got rid of them and Bubba said that he was going to see them down in Tampa, just to make Sheik even more pissed off.
Howard talked to AJ a little more and said you can find out more about Anal Ring Toss at AnalRingToss.com or buy AJ's movies at ChesterMolestHer.com. He also said that they have Clips4Sale.com as the sponsor of this event.
Howard calmed everyone down in the room and had AJ prepare for the game. She laid down on the floor with the stick up her ass that the guys were going to toss the rings on. AJ was 20 years old and has some porn movies coming out that can be found at the web site Howard mentioned earlier. AJ said she wasn't raped or molested as a child or anything like that. She said her parents aren't too thrilled with what she does for a living though.
Howard had Artie go first. He said that it was much further than it was at K-Rock so it wasn't going to be easy. Artie, the Lord of the Anal Rings, threw his rings and missed all five. Howard asked AJ if she does this stuff much. She said she does it quite a bit at bachelor parties.
Bubba went next and threw his rings. He missed all five and Sheik called him names while he was missing. Sheik was up next. He started throwing his rings and missed all five. Howard asked him what happened there. Sheik said that he'd like to try one more time. Howard said they were going to have another round since no one got any.
Howard had Sheik go first. Sheik had the chance to win $2,500 if he had gotten any on. He had only 3 this time and missed all of them. Bubba was up next. He threw and missed all three as well. AJ was having some trouble staying in position since it was so uncomfortable. Artie went next and missed all three as well.
They had to do yet another round so they moved everyone even closer to AJ. Sheik went first and got all three since he was so close. Howard gave him the prize money since he needed it so much. Howard wanted to end the event but Artie wanted to defend his Lord of the Anal Rings title. He threw his rings and got one of the three on.
AJ was able to remove the stick from her ass so Howard was going to talk to her a little more. He asked her about her movies and found out that her new movie is called ''AJ the SoCal BroHo.'' She explained what that was about and it didn't make a lot of sense. Will told Howard that she wanted to ride the Sybian too. Howard had the guys prepare it so she could take it for a ride. AJ got on and took it for a ride. She was kind of nervous about it. Howard said that this machine is guaranteed to give a woman an orgasm.
Gary started out low and slowly turned up the power. AJ said it felt really good even though it tickled. Gary jacked it up slowly and AJ said she was getting horny. She said that it was pretty cool. Sheik said he was getting horny too. AJ said it still felt pretty good but she wasn't finishing. She told Howard it was crazy. They eventually stopped the machine since she wasn't getting off. She said it felt really good but she didn't have an orgasm.
Howard thanked AJ for coming in and wrapped up with her. He gave her some plugs for the web sites that she was plugging. He also thanked the Iron Sheik for coming in and Bubba as well. He had the two of them shaking hands before they went to break.
Jon said they had mixed reactions from everyone. He said some people stayed in the city. Jon said he stayed home and he was on his ISDN line for the whole show but Howard never went to him once. He did the Wrap Up Show that way though. He said he was there to do his job. He said Gary felt the same way but he had a more devastating turn out than he did. Jon said he lost power for maybe half an hour. He said he figured he'd just drive to work. He said he wasn't able to get out of his neighborhood because there were trees blocking the road. He said he could have stayed in the city but he didn't. He said he doesn't regret his decision. He said Gary kind of took the hit there for him. Shuli said most couples do that.
Jon said he understands where Howard was going. He said he was asking Gary to say he was staying home and he'd be okay. Shuli said this shows the brilliance of Howard. He said all he wanted to know was if Gary was staying home. He said as soon as he puts in the word ''dependable'' it changes everything. He said that Jon could have said yes or no if he was coming in. He said when he asks if he's dependable it hurts.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks Gary is dependable and one of the most loyal there and that's why it turned into what it turned into. Jon said that they also played that segment where Howard upset Gary with one sentence. He said Howard has that ability. The caller asked if Jon thinks that Gary could lose his position there. Jon said he operates like he could but he thinks he's pretty secure in that job.
Benjy was asking about this dependable thing and where the ''red herring'' term comes from. He said he doesn't think it's any better or worse than being late. Jon said it's not a morality question. He said he thinks that showing up late and staying home for a storm are completely different. Benjy said he doesn't think they are. He asked how that's different. Jon said that the hurricane locked down bridges. He said that people weren't able to get to work. Benjy said they did offer hotel rooms though. Jon said that you choose protecting your family over coming to work. Benjy said he doesn't think that's wrong but he's making a decision not to show up. Benjy said it's like people who decide to have a house that's not near work. Jon said he wanted to be home with his wife and kids. He said he was also on ISDN the entire time for the whole show. He said in his head he was working and available to do his job. He said he found a way to do it and be dependable.
Benjy said he could have brought his wife and kids into the city to protect them. Jon said he's not sure because hotel rooms were being snapped up pretty quickly. Benjy said he could have hired someone to watch his house too.
Shuli said Howard asked Gary what he could do if a tree fell on his house. He said there's nothing he can do. Jon said you're there to deal with the situation though. He said that's a decision you have to make.
Jon said they've had blizzards where they were able to make it into work. He said this was a different story. He said he understands people who stayed in town. Benjy said he's looking for credit for showing up.
Jon took a call from a guy who said a couple of weeks ago Maggie Gyllenhaal said that Oliver Stone told her she was horrible at work that afternoon. He said Howard told her that a director has to know it's debilitating. He said that's what Howard does a lot himself. He said he does take his job very seriously though. Jon said that Gary and Scott have worked there for decades and it comes with the territory. He said you're going to get beat up one way or another. Jon said he's not sure what the context of what Oliver Stone said was. He said that they're not really comparing apples to apples.
Jon asked JD what he thinks. JD said that Oliver Stone is a great director and he can say what he wants. JD said that he was also there that day of the storm. Jon said that he gives all of the local guys credit for showing up.
JD said he thinks that Howard is doing a show and part of the show is busting chops. He said Oliver Stone did that in private.
Jon said this place is all about pleasing Howard and doing a good job for him. He said that it makes for great radio. Shuli said that he tried to get into that discussion and Howard got upset with him. He said he hasn't sat in the studio since that day.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he usually agrees with Benjy but he'd do that more if he got his words out about 5 minutes earlier. Jon said that he wouldn't have Benjy in there if he didn't think he contributed to the show. He said that he gives a unique opinion on things and he's glad he's there. He said Benjy would be the first to admit that he'd like to be able to communicate better. Benjy said in some ways he does but sometimes he likes going around like that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he remembers someone like Doug Goodstein saying that Shuli was all torn up about being away from his family during that storm. Shuli said that his wife told him to go to work and it was fine. He said that he may have stayed home if he wasn't going to sit in. He said he asked Tim what the deal was and he told him they were going to work. Shuli said he had to go to work but he still needed his wife's blessing to go. He said she was amazing in that.
Benjy said he thinks what they went through was tough. He said he went through that on 9/11. He said he was scared shitless for himself. He said that he didn't think New York was the safest place to be. He said he wanted to leave but he couldn't. Benjy said he was dependable that day. They went to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that when Howard talks to his employees the way he does it reminds her of his father. She said that he doesn't like what his father said to him but he does it to them every day. Jon said as Howard gets older a lot of his mom and dad comes out of him. Shuli said any time he's telling a story about going to dinner with someone he thinks about his dad. He said that he seems like he doesn't want to waste any time ordering or eating. Jon said he's that way on the phone too. Shuli said it's the same with email. He said it gets right to the point.
Benjy said Howard seems to feel he's on a mission and every second counts toward getting there. He said that he can procrastinate a lot and Howard doesn't do that. He said every second counts for him.
Jon said that they can end up a lot like their parents as they get older. Jon asked JD if he has that in him. JD said he doesn't know. He said he thinks he has his dad's humor. Jon asked if he says things that his dad would say. JD said there have been times when he's said things that are similar and it freaks him out.
Shuli said his dad owned 2 or 3 car washes and he had a hip filled with keys. He said he has a bundle of keys with him all the time. He said he doesn't even need most of them. He said the other day he was looking for glasses that were on his head. He said he led his dad on a wild goose chase one time when he did the same thing.
JD said he remembers his mom rocking in her chair a lot and he does that too. Benjy said he thinks that the way he thinks about the world comes from his parents.
Jon said he noticed it more when he because a father. Jon said he does the same things that his dad did in the car when the kids are misbehaving. Jon said when you're saying them you don't realize what you're saying. He said the best is when they're younger and they call you out on something. Jon said his daughter said something that was so funny and he started laughing when he shouldn't have. Shuli said he has the same thing with his daughter.
Benjy asked if they were ever spanked. Shuli said he was spanked by his friend's mom once. He said his parents didn't do that though. Shuli said that this mother got hit in the head with a salad spoon and he started laughing so he got hit too.
Jon said his dad was a yeller. He said he'd make a lot of noise. He said he never got physical with him though. Jon said he was being a wise ass once and his dad asked him to take out the garbage. He said he told his dad to take it out. He said his dad accidentally hit him with the garage door when he was on his way back in so it wasn't on purpose but he did yell at him about that garbage comment.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Artie was so happy in the studio when Norm was in there. He said you could hear it in his voice. The caller said he had the same issue as Artie did and you just want to be loved. He said he thinks Norm was that person to him. Jon said he agrees with him. He said he was at a different level with Norm. Jon said he was the first one to bring Artie in there. Jon said Norm is great on the show too. He said that the stories they were telling were great and you could hear the joy in their voices.
Jon said Artie was moody but he thinks that everyone felt like a friend to Artie. Shuli said he saw him on Saturday and hung out with him. He said he looks and sounds great. Benjy said he was on the Tonight Show the other day too.
Jon said when you're in there with someone you're comfortable with it makes it easier on you. He said that you may say something that you might not otherwise say. Shuli said when someone you respect believes in you that can put you at the top of the world. He said no one can tell a story better than Artie. He said that's why Norm brought him in with him. They went to break after that.
Benjy asked if there was ever a resolution to that. Benjy said it makes sense to him but he's wondering if there was more to it. Lisa said that they teased him about it and said that by the time he took it out there would be newer models.
Jon said that turned into them finding out that Mike had gone to Disney by himself. Shuli said that's like going to a strip club by yourself. Jon said JD was part of that. Shuli said that was pre Mike coming out. Jon said that's correct. Jon said that Robin asked Mike if he invited JD to go and JD said he wouldn't have gone if he had been asked. JD said he has gone to a strip club by himself but it's been years.
Shuli said it's creepy to go by yourself. He said it's a little more than norm to go with some people. Benjy said he thinks it's even creepier if you bring someone. Benjy said he thinks he went to some clubs when he was young.
Jon asked JD how long he stayed. JD said he doesn't know. He said he just likes seeing naked girls. He said he has a girlfriend now. He said he hasn't gone lately. He said he thinks she'd be fine with it.
JD said that he isn't into going to a club by himself. He said he can't help but think about everyone looking at him. He said there are people looking at you. Shuli said the girls think you're a total creep if you walk in alone. Lisa asked where he sat. JD said he went to the bar.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he hates to be a dick but all they seem to be doing is kissing Howard Stern's ass. He said Shuli said something about him being a genius for using the word dependable. The caller said that he can do that and he's no genius. The guy demonstrated how that's done. He had no idea what Shuli's point was earlier.
Jon asked Lisa G what she had in the Howard 100 News headlines today. Lisa ran down a few things they had coming up. Jon ended the show a short time later after everyone got in their plugs. They were done around 11:15am.
Various Stuff. 5/7/01. 6:05am
Comedian Artie Lange was sitting in this morning. Artie co-stars on ''Norm'' with Norm MacDonald. Robin said she almost hit him with her car as she was coming in this morning. He was crossing the street and she almost ran him over. She thought ''Oh, that looks like Artie Lange'' and kept driving. Then she finds out he's on the show this morning. She noticed that he's lost quite a bit of weight. She said he's ''svelte'' looking now. Artie says that he'll probably lose out on a bunch of parts because of this weight loss. Howard asked Artie about ''Norm'' and if he's still on the show. Artie said he's still on it but he's not sure if it's going to be on the air much longer. He said they'll find out in a couple of weeks but ''if they judge it by the ratings...'' then they're in trouble. Howard said he'd like to watch the show but he never gets the chance. Artie said they put it on Friday nights at 8:30 and there aren't many people around then to watch it.
Colby from ''Survivor 2'' will be on later today but the winner, Tina, won't. Howard said that's just fine, he still wants to interview Colby about what the hell he was thinking keeping Tina around for the final round.
Howard later spoke to Artie about working on ''Norm'' and what that's like. Artie said it's a great job. He said he gets like 12 lines a week and they're really easy to learn. He said he walks around the Warner Bros. Set and he can go over to check out Jennifer Aniston's ass over at the ''Friends'' set. He said there are a lot of hot chicks just walking around the set. Artie goes to the gym on the set and he can hang around hot chicks all day. The only problem is that no one recognizes him from ''Norm''. They've asked him if he works in the background of the show. They don't realize that he's a major character on the show.
Artie also shot his own pilot that was the worst show he's ever done. He said he was playing a bookie's runner and it was just awful. He said it was thrown together real quick and it wasn't that great. He said he got about $750,000 for the development deal.
Henry Hill And Fiancé Lisa Visit. 03/06/08. 8:15am
Howard said that he has a dilemma. He has Henry Hill and his girlfriend out there in the hall. He's such an alcoholic that he needs some booze to stop his shakes. Howard had the guys bring him in a short time later. He came in and Howard asked him what was on his lip. Henry said that he had fallen down and bruised his lip. Henry's fiancé Lisa was in there too. She said that she met him out on the street last summer and thought he was homeless. Henry was actually homeless when she met him. He asked for a drink because he was going nuts.
Howard said that Henry needs to drink so he doesn't shake and Lisa will give him some once in a while. Henry was whispering to Howard while Lisa was talking so Howard had to ask him to stop that. Henry said that she is kind of his fiancé because he did ask her to marry him. It seemed that he was telling Howard that she wasn't at one point.
Lisa told Howard that she finds it hard to leave a guy like this out on the street. She said it's like leaving her grandfather out on the street. Henry kept asking for something to drink so Howard told him that he'd do that if he told him what it's like to murder a man. Henry said he'd do that if they gave him the booze first.
Henry wasn't talking much but Howard had the guys give him something anyway. Henry said that his hands start to shake when he doesn't drink. He said that he has seizures if he doesn't have something once in a while.
Howard saw that something had just happened to Henry's eye. Robin said that he popped himself in the eye with his Red Bull can. Howard told Henry he really needs to get himself together. He said he's going to try and go into rehab sometime. Artie told him to go on Celebrity Rehab. Henry said that he doesn't really want to go to rehab but they may force him into it.
Howard asked Lisa about what it's like when Henry bangs her. She said that he was good. Howard asked what Henry likes to do. He said he likes blow jobs and she does them good. Lisa didn't like him talking about her like that. Then Henry started to cough like crazy. Artie said it sounds like he's near death. He said that was a death rattle coming out of him.
Robin said that Henry really is a mess. Henry said that he ends up going to the hospital at least once a week. They go to the doctor and they tell him that he's fine. Henry kept coughing and Howard said he has to get out of the business now that he's hit rock bottom with Amy Fisher and Henry Hill interviews.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Henry never killed anyone and he was just a gopher for the mob. Howard asked Henry if he was shining shoes and stuff and not actually doing anything. The caller said he spoke to some guys who said that he knew some people who worked with Henry and they told him that he was just a gopher.
Henry talked about some of the big crimes they pulled off like back in 1967 when they ripped off Air France. He got 60,000 for that one rip off. Howard asked him what the best year was for him in the mob. Henry wasn't answering so Howard told him to get over there and shine his shoes.
Howard asked Henry to let them know what kind of money a guy can make being in the mob. Henry didn't know what kind of money, all he knew is that he wished he'd kept just 2 percent of it so he'd have some money.
Henry said that they fixed the NCAA tournament back in 1979. That led to Artie asking him if he did that when Larry Bird was playing. Henry said he wasn't, this was college. Artie said that's when he was playing for a college team. Henry said that they just had to pay off a couple of guys, not the whole team. They fixed the game so they could make some money on betting.
Howard wanted to find out more about that story but Henry was being a bit of a pain in the ass about it. Henry said that they made about $4200,000 on the game. He said that they shaved points off the game, they didn't really fix the game. Artie told him that's fixing the game either way he looks at it.
Henry told Howard about flying up to Boston to fix this game back then. He said that he had to go up and straighten a guy out about the game and told him not to fuck things up and the guy never did. He said that they went to the guys at Boston College and paid off some guys. Howard asked if this stuff still goes on today. Henry asked him if he was fuckin' kidding with him.
Henry got sidetracked and said he was out in Brooklyn doing something yesterday and they were shooting a show with him. He said he wasn't afraid because they had bodyguards around.
Henry got back to the basketball game fixing stories and named a few people who he had dealt with back then. Gary said that he wasn't sure about what Henry was talking about because he was all over the place. Henry claimed that he told the captain of the team that his arms weren't going to work anymore if he didn't fix the game.
Howard said he can see why the guys in the mob had it with him. He can't get a straight answer out of him. Gary said that he saw a special about some of the scandals that Henry was involved with and they talked about how Henry would go to games and sit in the front row watching and when someone would throw the ball over the backboard, they'd laugh because they knew why he had done it.
Henry said that when he'd get the money for doing stuff like that, he'd have to give it to another guy who would take it to the big guy. Artie asked Henry about what he'd do if his bookie didn't pay him off the $78,000 that he's owed. Henry asked Artie what the cocksucker's name is. He said that he'd take a Louisville Slugger and go see the guy with that. Artie asked if he could fix the problem if he gave him 10 grand. Henry said he could. He said that he hasn't been able to get money out of Warner Brothers so now he has to sue them. They're supposed to give him 7 percent of the back money on that movie.
Lisa said that she actually met Henry through some mob guys. Howard said that it's like a dating service. She said that she saw him outside on a bench out in Santa Monica and he asked her to go buy him some booze. He was homeless at the time so she did him a favor and bought him the drink.
Lisa said that Henry had barged into her store and demanded to use her bathroom. She said she let him use the bathroom because he told her who he was and gave her his wallet. That led to her calling a friend of hers who was the son of a former mobster. Howard cut her off and told her that he wanted off the subject. He didn't want to be messing with anyone in the mob.
Lisa said that she found out that Henry had been in the mob with someone else and mentioned a couple of names. Howard said that he wasn't comfortable talking about that stuff and asked her to drop it. She said it was cool but Howard still wanted to avoid it.
Henry and Lisa talked about seeing Britney Spears in rehab. Henry said that she's a mess and she's heading toward suicide at the rate she's going. Howard found it funny that Henry was talking about someone else being fucked up.
Howard said that Henry is selling his artwork on eBay now. Lisa said that he draws pictures of Howard and those sell really well. Howard said Henry also brought in some of his Sunday Gravy that he sells as well. Henry said that it costs a lot of money to get that shit made and distributed. He said that it's all natural and they sell it at Trader Joe's. He's trying to get it into some other places too.
Gary showed Howard one of the pictures that Henry painted. It was a picture of Henry and Howard together. Howard got a laugh out of that.
Howard took some phone calls and then told Henry he has to calm down with the drinks. Henry ended up showing them that he has a hernia and he has to quit smoking and drinking to get it operated on. Henry showed them again what he had popping out of his belly. Howard was grossed out by that. Artie told Henry that he has to go to the doctor for that.
Henry kept asking for more booze but Howard didn't want to feed into that. Henry told Howard that he can smoke pot out in California because he has a pot card. Howard didn't sound surprised by that. He asked Henry if he's in love with Lisa. He said of course he is. Then he said ''I love you Lisa'' and then asked for a drink. He said that he's an alcoholic.
Lisa told Howard that when they're home her son is there and he gives Henry a beer every hour. The kid is 20 years old and he keeps Henry under control with the drinking. Lisa said that sometimes he's upset that she's with Henry. She said that she loves him though. Artie asked her if she's doing it because she feels bad for him or something. She said that she likes him and a lot of people love him on Myspace.
Ralph called in and asked what's different about letting henry drink or letting Artie eat all of the crap he eats in there. Howard said that's not the same thing.
Howard asked Lisa about her big boobs and found out she's got D-cups. Artie said that she's got D's and Henry has the DTs. Lisa told the guys about what she does with Henry and how much fun they have together. They go out and hang out together.
Henry gave a shout out to the FBI in Southern California because they've helped him out with some stuff. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and thanked the two of them for coming in. As Henry was leaving he mentioned that he was going to throw his support behind Hillary Clinton. Howard asked him what the other guy's name was and he could only come up with something like ''Bahama.''
Howard talked about how gross that hernia was that popped out of Henry's stomach. He said that it was really nasty. Robin thought it looked like an ass. Howard said he felt like he was going to get TB when Henry was in there coughing.
Howard had some audio clips from the last time Henry was there so he played through some of those. He played the clip of him talking to Lisa G and asking for the Caramel Macchiato. He also had a clip of his cough from earlier in the morning but he couldn't take it. He said that it was too gross. Then Ralph suggested that Artie get a cough like that for when he calls in sick. Howard demonstrated what that might sound like and pretended to call in sick using that nasty cough. Howard played a prank call the guys made using clips of Henry talking about his Caramel Macchiato.
Howard and the guys spent a few minutes talking about Henry and Lisa. Robin didn't think that Lisa was any kind of saint, she feels that she has to be punished for something and that's the main reason she's with him.
Artie said he was talking to the guy who wrote the book ''Goodfellas'' about Henry and how tough it was to write it when Henry was in hiding. Artie said that he now wonders if those stories were all made up. The guys figured that Henry may have embellished some of those stories. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Vinnie Favale's Love Tapes. 10/14/03. 8:05am
CBS Vice President of Late Night TV, Vinnie Favale, came in to hang out with Howard. As he was starting to talk to him he heard someone clipping their nails. It turned out to be Fred who was having a problem with his nails. Howard goofed on him a little bit about that before moving on. He then played the clip of Don Zimmer crying as he was talking about what happened the other night during the Yankees game. Howard talked about how people are saying that Pedro Martinez was wrong for what he did but he thinks that Zimmer was wrong and Pedro did what he had to do. Howard and the guys went over that for a short time before getting to Vinnie.
Howard said the other day they were playing Gary's love tape that he made for his girlfriend many years ago. That's when they found out that Vinnie made a love tape for his girlfriend years ago as well. He explained how he met this girl over the phone accidentally and spoke to each other for four months and eventually got together. Howard said in one clip from his tape Vinnie is scratching his balls while he's laying around in his underwear. Howard let him explain that a little bit before he started to play the tape. Gary and Stuttering John saw the tape so they were telling Howard about some of the wacky stuff Vinnie does on the tapes.
Howard played a clip where Vinnie was blowing kisses and telling this woman how much he loves her. Howard said he's shirtless and in his underwear as he's doing this. Howard played about 10 seconds of it and had to rewind it so they could hear it again. Howard said a penis is a dangerous thing because guys end up doing stuff like this. He continued to play the tape and Vinnie talks about scratching his balls and how he caught himself. He says he'll stop scratching and how that will benefit her because he'll have a free hand for her. Howard took a couple of calls and some guys goofed on Vinnie for making the tape. Howard played some more of it after that while all of the guys in the studio laughed their asses off. Howard started the tape over but ended up stopping it at the same point because he couldn't get over the comment about how Debbie would benefit from that free hand. He eventually got past that and you hear Vinnie showing her his apartment. The place was a mess according to Gary who saw the tape. Howard and Artie were goofing on him. He was really in love with her back then and claims that he's still in love with her just as much today.
Dominic Barbara called in and said he'd pay $25,000 for the rights to the tape. He said that was his first bid as well and it sounds like he'd be willing to pay even more. Howard got right back to the tapes after that. Vinnie gives Debbie a tour of the New York City Mass Transit system. The guys wondered if this was the first chick he ever banged. That would explain why he was so nuts over her but Vinnie said that she wasn't the first and he'd banged maybe 10 women before her. The guys didn't sound like they believed him though.
Vinnie said he can't believe this woman married him after all of this. He said she moved out from Beverly Hills to Bensonhurst. Vinnie goes on to give Debbie the weather report and stuff like that. He also speaks to her in Italian for a short time. Howard and Artie goofed on him about that of course. Robin wondered what his parents thought about all of this. Gary said he saw his mother at one point in the tapes and she looked very happy to have gotten rid of him. Vinnie throws a few more kisses and tells Debbie how much he loves her. Vinnie heard some music in the background and wondered if Gary had thrown that in. Gary told him he didn't need to do that because Vinnie had put it in himself.
A caller said he bets that Gary is breathing a sigh of relief after hearing this. Howard said this makes Gary look like a man after seeing both of their love tapes. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and goofed on Vinnie a little bit. Howard also mentioned that Mariann wrote a letter to the NY Daily News so they talked about that for a few seconds. Howard said he liked what she wrote about Rush fans tuning into his show to hear truth, justice and the American way.
Vinnie wasn't giving them all of the tapes he made for Debbie. He said he didn't masturbate or anything like that on the tapes but he couldn't give them everything. A listener called in and suggested that they put together a bit called Dueling Douche Bags where they play a clip from Gary's love tape and then a clip from Vinnie's.
Howard also had tape of Vinnie and Tom Gisamundo from his station talking about a song for their band. Howard said Vinnie and Tom write songs together but don't perform the stuff themselves. In the tape Howard had Vinnie and Tom go through a song with no music playing and they sound like they're insane. Vinnie said they now talk about doing songs over the phone. The tape Howard was playing was from like 20 years ago. Howard continued to play the tape and goofed on Vinnie about how lame that was.
Gary said Vinnie and Tom hired a band to perform their song and they had that on tape as well. Howard played that and it was horrible. Everyone laughed after hearing the song. Howard played another clip after that where Vinnie and Tom performed as background singers for another song they wrote. They had this professionally produced music track that was put out. They sang background and ruined the song. They only wrote the lyrics, not the music. Howard had yet another clip where Vinnie sang one of his songs that was really bad. Tom also sang to one of them and that was pretty bad as well. Vinnie said they've probably written like 50 songs since 1982 or so.
Howard said that was about it for Vinnie's basement tapes but he knows he's got to have even better stuff. He said he had to take a break but had to talk to Jillian Barberie.
Lisa G's Howard 100 News Preview. 05/23/12. 8:25am
Howard said High Pitch Eric is there. He said that they have to get a news update from Lisa. Lisa said she spoke to a guy who heads up SiriusXM Latino and the Guacamole thing is different in different parts of Mexico. She said it works both ways too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he guarantees that Lisa would go out with Howard if he asked her out. Howard said that's the impression up there. Lisa said that Howard is her type of guy but she can't go out with him because she works with him. Howard said people date at work all the time and they just have to set up parameters.
High Pitch Eric came in and said that he wanted to go out on a date with her but no sex would be involved. Howard said Lisa doesn't want him. Howard said his gums bleed. Howard said he could see blood there right now. Eric said they're so much better now. Ronnie said he stinks. Howard said the water drips off his hands too. He said that's from being obese. The caller said he could smell it over the phone.
Ronnie told Howard that he's a god to Lisa. He said she'll just stare at him in the monitor and gaze at him like she's in love. Howard asked if she likes him more now that he's on AGT. She said that she does. She said he was in her dream last night. She said that she had a dream that he got his hair blown out straight for AGT.
Lisa got to her news preview and said that they have a story about Sal getting veneers on his teeth. Howard said that's not going to be good. Gary said he heard that Sal is going to charge it on a card with an 18 percent finance rate.
Sal came in and said he had bonding done and it's chipping off so his teeth are looking yellow. Howard said he's nuts to get veneers. Sal said he's getting them done for about $12,000. He said Gary is wrong about the financing. He said he can pay it off monthly. Gary said Jon just said it's 22 percent. Howard said he has to be out of his mind. Gary said he just found out what Sal spent on his wife for Mother's Day. Sal said he spent $780 for shoes. Howard said he doesn't have the money. He asked what he's doing. Howard said he's going to leave radio at some point and he has to stop with this.
Howard said he's making a good living now but when he started out he never thought about spending that kind of money on shoes or on veneers. Sal said he's doing a couple of films. Howard said his acting career is going nowhere. Howard asked if he needs veneers. Lisa didn't think so. Sal said he's getting a good deal. Howard asked why he doesn't save $12,000 and then give it to the dentist.
Howard asked if Sal has saved more than $1,000 in savings. Sal said he has about $8,000 for his kid's education. He said he has invested some money in some other things. He has put some money into his IRA and things like that. He said that he has one credit card and he paid off the rest of them. Howard said High Pitch Eric is retarded and he must know if it's smart. Eric said he has no comment. He said it's up to him. Gary said he doesn't think that Eric was listening.
Gary said Leiberman told him that Sal is doing this teeth because of the two acting gigs he got. Those two gigs aren't going to pay for those teeth. Howard asked what his character's name is. Sal said in one of the gigs he plays ''Italian Ice'' who is a rapper who claims Vanilla Ice stole his act. Howard told Sal to get out of there. He said if he hears that he spent $12,000 on his teeth... Howard said he only makes bad decisions. Howard told him not to get his teeth done. He told him to put that money into the bank for his kid's education.
Howard asked George if he sees anything wrong with his teeth. George said he's a good looking guy and he should save that money. He said that 22 percent is confiscatory. Howard said George is right. Sal said he's getting a good deal on them though. Howard said it's not a good deal.
Howard said if he's playing a guy named Italian Ice he doesn't need to get his teeth done. Sal said he's putting some money away. Lisa said that college is so expensive. Howard said that's what he's trying to tell the guy.
A Depressed High Pitch Eric Visits. 05/23/12. 8:40am
Howard asked Eric what he's doing there. Eric said he just wanted to come in and say hello. He said he's kind of depressed lately. He said the anniversary of his mom's death is coming up. He said he's in therapy for that. Howard asked how he's paying for that. Eric said his health insurance is taking care of that.
Howard asked what he weighs now. Eric said he lost some weight. He said he's around 350-something. Howard said he's got to be more than that. He said Jason has lost a few pounds Jason said he's about 272. Howard had Eric get on the scale. He came in at 350 pounds. Howard said that's not good. Eric said it's better than 360 or 380.
George asked what Eric is doing to lose weight. Eric said he's depressed so he's not eating much. He said when he goes home he'll have a yogurt and an iced coffee. Howard said he's full of it. Howard said he has to be eating more. Eric said he has 3 slices of pizza for lunch. He said the yogurt is breakfast. Eric told Howard what else he eats and Howard said there's no way he's only eating what he just said. He said that he has to be eating more. He said that the pizza and burgers he's eating have no nutritional value. Eric swears he's not eating more than that.
Jason said that Eric will come up for Super Fan Roundtable and he'll eat slice after slice of pizza. He said he just keeps eating it.
Eric said that he gets depressed about his mom because she wouldn't see him before she passed. He said that his sister wouldn't let him see her. Eric said he doesn't know why she wouldn't let him see her. Will thought it was because he was stealing from the family or something. Eric said he didn't do anything wrong.
Gary said Eric had to stop doing the show for like 8 months when his sister got married. He said that he had to stay off the show for 6 months to go to the wedding.
Eric said that he has a lot of friends on Facebook and they're a great support system. He said they help him by talking to him on Stern Facebook Superfans.
Eric asked if he can help him lose weight. Howard said it's very hard to get through to him so he's not sure he could help. Howard said the truth about losing weight is that he doesn't need help. Howard asked what he imagines someone would help him with. Eric said he knows he shouldn't eat junk food. Howard said he'll help him out right now. Eat oatmeal with bananas for breakfast. Eric said he doesn't like bananas. Howard told him to eat strawberries. Howard said for lunch he should have broiled fish with a baked potato with no butter or sauce. Eric said he could try and do that. Eric said he needs a sponsor to help him lose weight. Howard said he's his sponsor.
Howard told Eric what to eat for dinner. He told him to have a handful of pasta with some other protein for dinner. Eric went over the menu and figured it all out. Howard said he just got his help. He said that he can have a bowl of fruit. He said he should have a few slices of pineapple or something. Howard said he can come back in a couple of months and he'll be thin.
Howard said he knows Eric just wants to nudge someone for free shit. That's why he's looking for a sponsor. Howard told Eric to eat a whole pizza before he goes to bed. Eric said he won't do that. It's not good for him. Howard said he thinks he gave Eric all the help he needs. George said he needs self discipline. Howard said he needs a shower and to brush his teeth.
Eric said he's still working at the Hard Rock Cafe at Yankee Stadium. He said he's been there for 3 years now. Howard asked if he wanted him to contact his mother right now. Eric said he would. Howard tried to contact her from the dead. Her name is Gloria. Howard went into his trance and contacted Gloria. Howard talked to Eric as Gloria and Eric said he loves her and misses her.
Gloria asked why his tooth is bleeding. Eric said it's not. Gloria said he could see it. Eric said he loves her very much. Howard came out of his trance and asked what happened. Eric said he spoke to her. Howard said he hopes he feels better now. Howard said he's drained now. He said he's glad he was able to do that for Eric.
Eric said that Mariann from Brooklyn is another good friend of his. Eric said that they all came out to see Howard. He said that they went to see him at the Today show and all of that. Howard said he saw them and he's a big fan.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how many veneers Sal is getting for that $12,000. Sal said he's getting 16 done. The caller said he's getting ripped off. He said he could get rebonding done and it would be cheaper. He said he's getting older and they could end up being crowns. He said in 5 years he'll have to get them redone and get crowns. Sal said that the veneers are free and it's the impressions that he's paying for. He said it's between 8-12,000. The caller said he would advise against doing it. Howard said Sal gets something in his head and he won't let it go. He's going to get what he wants to get.
Gary said that he's going to end up paying over $20,000 for those teeth if he has a 22 percent finance rate. Sal said that's not necessarily true. He said he could pay it off early. Sal said that you do have to reward yourself sometimes. Howard said you do not. Sal said he could drop dead tomorrow. He said getting his teeth done will make him feel better. The caller said that he would advise against it.
Howard said Eric's life is more organized than Sal's is right now. Sal was laughing at him. Howard asked if Sal wanted to talk to Eric's mom. He said he would so Howard went into his trance again and told Sal that her son is smarter than him. He said Eric doesn't have any credit card debt and Sal does. Howard told Sal to shave his head like her son.
Eric said he saw John Bolaris down in Philly when he was there. Howard had John on the phone. John used to be a weather guy in Philly and he got fired for doing an interview with Playboy. John said that Eric is a big fan and he wanted to show some love for him. John said that he didn't do that interview with Playboy. That guy just put in a bunch of stuff from other interviews. Eric said that John is going to be on 20/20 soon. John said it's on June 1st.
Howard said Eric has a strange fascination with weather guys. He will get their numbers and call them off the air. Howard said he harassed them. John said that Eric is a nice guy. He said he has no problem with him. Howard said he likes Eric too.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Eric has cleaned up his act. She said that he's also a big fan of Michelle Marsh. Mariann said that veneers screw up your teeth and he's going to have to get them done again in the future. Howard thanked her for the call and let her go.
Howard said he's glad he got to see Eric. He gave him a plug for an appearance he's making at Otts in Turnersville, NJ. He said they won't be charging anything. He said that he will be here free. Howard said you can follow him on Twitter @HPErik71. They went to break a short time later.
TDiHH: Grillo As Gunga Din - 1995. 06/23/11. 6:00am
First up this morning they played a segment from 1995. In the clip Howard started the show and called Grillo in as Gunga Din. Howard told him when to bring in his first food order of the day. Fred had a ''Gunga Din'' clip that he played. They had an outfit for Grillo to wear so Howard told him to try that on. Howard said they should take the camera and follow him down to pick up the food order in that outfit. Grillo asked them not to make him do that. Howard told him he has to do it if he wants to be in show business.
Ralph brought in the outfit but Grillo was hesitating. Howard told Grillo to just put the outfit on. He didn't want to do it there in the studio. Howard told him to close up his boxer shorts and just do it. He said he looks better like that. He said he didn't look bad at all.
Howard told Grillo to go down and get the food like that. Grillo wasn't into it but Howard told him to just try it. Grillo said he wanted money. Howard said he's always looking for money. Howard said he had a turban and a diaper on. Grillo said it's not bad enough that he has to get his food. Now they dress him like this.
Howard said he's a college boy and he's teaching him a lesson. That lesson was ''life sucks.'' Howard said he's in for the movie if he runs around like that. Howard said he's hired. They went to break a short time later.
After the edited out break Howard had Grillo come in with his food. Howard asked what happened when he went down there. Grillo said everyone was laughing. Howard said he has to get himself a snake in a basket next. Howard told him to just get into it. Grillo said that work pretty much ceased down in the deli. He said he went behind the counter and got the food when he got there. They let him do pretty much anything he wanted.
Howard told him he should be walking around with a bucket of water. The Gunga Din audio clip had the guy asking him for water. Fred played that clip a couple of times. Howard told him to practice bowing backwards out of the room too. Howard told him to try again after he failed to do it correctly.
Artie's Betting And Courtney Love Calls In. 03/22/04. 7:50am
A listener called in and asked Artie how he did betting on all of the basketball games over the weekend. Artie said he's doing great and he's only down by $1,200. Artie told Howard about some of the bets he had and how he was at Scores on Friday night. He said that the place is great and Howard is going to love it. He saw the Ralph room they talked about last week and how all there is right now is a wire hanging in there. He was there to watch the games but he had to get scores from the strippers and one of them gave him the wrong score at one point.
Gary came in and told Howard about how may games there were over the weekend. There were like 48 games and Artie bet on maybe 28 of them. Artie admitted that he may have bet between $10,000 and $20,000 on the games.
Howard's phone rang in the middle of that conversation. It was Courtney Love calling him on his cell phone. He tried to tell her that they had to call her back on a different line so they could put her on the air. Gary had to take down the number from her. Howard said she left him a 15 minute long answering machine message over the weekend and she just rambled on and on. Howard said he thought it was funny how she doesn't know the difference between his cell phone number and his radio station number. He said he'd take a break and get to her then but Gary told him not to do that because they'd lose her.
Courtney was on the line a minute later. She started off cursing so Howard had to hit the delay on her. Courtney started to ramble a little bit about her daughter calling her and saying that she was having nightmares. Courtney's phone was horrible and it was tough to understand what she was saying. Howard was going to put her on hold again so they could get her on a land line phone so they could understand her. He took a break while they did that.
Courtney Love Calls Back. 03/22/04. 8:10am
After the break Howard had Courtney Love on a phone line that he could hear her on. Courtney said that she thinks she has to retire now after all that's been going on lately. Courtney said that Clear Channel can eat her and that's rare for a musician because most of them are afraid to say anything about them because they can ban them from their 1200 stations.
Howard told Courtney that he would rather not see her do Jay Leno's show because he's ''Letterman Lite.'' Courtney said she has to go on that show to be ''normal.'' She was rambling a little bit about her daughter and what's been going on with her lately as well. Courtney told Howard that she and her daughter live the most normal lifestyle and you wouldn't know it. She warned Howard not to go there with her today.
Howard was trying to help Courtney out but she wasn't listening to him. Courtney told Howard that she likes Leno and his wife but Howard isn't to thrilled with him these days since he stole Stuttering John from his show. He changed subjects and asked Courtney about the microphone stand incident that happened at a show recently. She said that she didn't even have a mike stand that night and she never threw one into the crowd.
Howard saw something else in the paper where Courtney was letting a homeless guy kiss her breast. She said she doesn't even remember that happening but she was mobbed at the Wendy's restaurant.
A concierge interrupted Courtney and told her to put out her cigarette. Courtney asked Howard to ask the guy to let her keep smoking so he did that. The guy said he'd let her smoke for a couple more minutes. Courtney then went on to talk about how she and Howard are in the same boat because of their fame. She told Howard how powerful he is with his radio show and how more people tuned into his show after the 9/11 thing than into Tom Brokaw or other guys like that.
Howard said that he didn't call Courtney back the other day when he got the message from her because she never lets him talk. He said he's never seen anyone with more energy than she has and she must crash for days after being up for so long. She said that she thinks she's very normal most of the time, she's just adrenalized all the time.
Courtney was telling Howard that her daughter might lose her horse because they don't have the money to support it for some reason. Courtney said that she has hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars was confiscated and put somewhere in a bunch of accounts. This was supposed to be her daughter's trust fund. She was rambling about where the money may have gone but it didn't make much sense.
Howard asked Courtney if it might be a good idea to keep a low profile for a while. She said that's what she thought she was doing. She continued to ramble on and on while Howard tried to ask her questions. She would just keep talking when he would ask a question. Howard wondered if she's just trying to get him to have sex with her or something.
Courtney and Howard talked about Clear Channel and what's been going on with them lately. Howard tried to get Courtney to come down to the studio to talk to them. He told her that he'd give her a carton of cigarettes if she came down. She wasn't sure she'd have anything to say if she came in. Howard started to wrap up the call with Courtney but she just kept talking. He told her to just get in a car and down to the studio. She was having some issues with a paparazzi guy. She went out and handed this guy the phone so he could describe her. She was going to go back upstairs to get her purse before coming in. The guy said that she looked great so Howard told her to just get down there as fast as she could.
Courtney handed the phone to the concierge at the hotel so Howard told him to make sure that she gets down there. You could still hear her talking in the background as Howard was talking to the guy. A listener called in a short time later and said that he now knows why Kurt Cobain killed himself. Howard ended up giving that guy a couple of Rain Forrest concert tickets.
Artie and Howard did a bit goofing on Courtney after she was off the line. They had this circus music playing in the background and they just blurted out various subjects that she was talking about during the call. Gary came in a short time later and told Howard that he's not sure she'll make it down there. He was trying to give the concierge the address but Courtney could be heard in the background saying that she would only make it there if they billed the limo to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Howard took another break after that.
Courtney Love Comes In. 03/22/04. 9:55am
During the news Courtney Love finally showed up so Howard could see what she was wearing. She managed to show up right as Robin was finishing up her news. Howard told her that she looked better this morning than she did on Letterman last week. She wanted to smoke a cigarette but the guys told her she's not allowed to smoke in there.
Howard and Courtney talked about her drug use many years ago ''back in the day'' with Kurt Cobain. She told Howard that she hasn't done anything in about 10 years.
Gary came in and pointed out the hickey that was on her neck. Howard asked her where it came from but she wasn't talking. She jokingly said that it was the homeless guy from the picture that was in the paper over the weekend. Gary told Howard that Courtney came in this morning after getting a ride in with a guy from the National Enquirer.
Howard said that Courtney's outfit was see through this morning. She said that's what she slept in. Howard noticed that her feet were dirty when she was showing him her feet.
Howard wanted to do a real interview with Courtney so he tried to calm her down and asked her about her past heroin abuse. She told Howard that she was the last person to lose her virginity in her peer group. She said one of the first times she had oral sex was with Ted Nugent. She said she was young and she didn't want to say exactly how old she was. It was a long time ago and she didn't even have breasts yet. She was only 12 and a half years old back then. She told Howard that she didn't have real sex until she was 18 but she admitted she was lying about 5 seconds later.
Courtney got sidetracked quickly and didn't want to talk about that stuff. She changed subjects and asked Howard to continue the fake interview. Howard wanted to look up her skirt but she didn't want to show him. Howard asked her if she's ever been to a psychiatrist and what he's told her. She said that he told her that she is ''ADT'' which, according to her, is like ADD for smart people. She said he did suggest a drug for her to take that would allow her to finish a sentence. She said if you want to be creative though, you can't take it.
Courtney got into her daughter's trust fund problems and how her money was stolen and put into about 40 different accounts. Howard wanted to talk about that but Courtney said that she was starting to sound like Lenny Bruce talking about money like that. Howard tried to find out more about her heroin use after that. She said she tried some way back and got sick taking it. She got back into it later and had a problem with it after that. Howard told Courtney that he had a problem with quaaludes when he was in college but both Courtney and Robin made fun of him about that addiction and how tough it must have been for him to get off of.
Howard asked Courtney about her night in jail last week. She was arrested after a show she did where a guy claimed to have been hit with a microphone stand. Courtney says she didn't even have a mike stand and she heard that this kid lied about his name and disappeared from the hospital after she was arrested. She also said that the guy told actress Natasha Leone that someone told him exactly what to do to get her in trouble after being offered $10,000.
Courtney was rambling about her court case about her the prescription drug use and how all of that went down. Howard had to cut her off during her rant after she ripped a microphone out of the stand. He had to take a break but Courtney was pissed that Howard was talking about her kid... but he hadn't said a word about her daughter. Howard told Robin to apologize for talking about her kid but she hadn't said anything about her either. Courtney ended up breaking down and crying saying that she didn't want Howard talking about her daughter. Howard wasn't talking about her daughter so he didn't know what she was talking about.
Courtney tried to explain what she was talking about but it still didn't make any sense to Howard. Fred played the music he played earlier in the show while Artie sang about all of the stuff that Courtney was talking about during the interview. Howard broke to commercial in the middle of one of Courtney's rants.
More With Courtney Love. 03/22/04. 10:30am
After taking a break Howard came back with Courtney who was still talking non-stop. Howard took a phone call for her from a woman who asked about what Sharon Osbourne said about her recently on her show. She apparently said that she would kill Courtney if she ever spoke to her son again. Courtney went on to talk about how Sharon is blaming her for her son's drug use and she had nothing to do with it.
Another woman called in and said that she wasn't able to get tickets for her show and she was crying as she was telling her how much she loves her. She hoped that Courtney would get her daughter back but Courtney told her that she has her daughter, she just can't sleep at her house or something like that.
Howard took a few more phone calls for Courtney but Courtney wouldn't let them say much before interrupting them. One woman called in and said that she was beaten up by a bouncer at her concert the other day. She said she put her drink on the stage and then got dragged away by the bouncer. Howard cut her off and took another call. A guy asked Courtney if she's holding anything back from Howard about her drug use in the past. She told the caller that she doesn't want to talk about everything with millions of people.
Howard asked Courtney if she's clean and doesn't have any STDs or anything like that. She said she is clean which is surprising because of all of her friends who used drugs out in the San Francisco area. Howard changed subjects and said that she looks more normal in person than she does when she's photographed. He said her lips look weird on TV and in pictures but they looked okay in person.
Courtney told Howard about her breast implants and how she had them at one time but now she doesn't... or she does, who knows, she was all over the place with that. A caller asked Courtney about the black guy who was suckling her in the pictures that were printed over the weekend. She said that it doesn't matter if he was black and she's slept with a black guy before. She didn't say who he was but did say something about him ''moving like a gazelle'' in the sport he played.
A guy called in and said he was at the club where Courtney allegedly hit someone with a mike stand. The guy said he did the sound there and it wasn't a mike stand, it was a tripod that hit the guy. Courtney denied it all of course. Another guy, Echo Man, called in and asked Courtney if she's ever done LSD. She said her father gave some to her when she was 4 but never finished the story. She couldn't stay focused and just kept changing subjects. She told Howard about going to a flower show with Martha Stewart one time and how cool she was.
A guy called in and defended Courtney about the mike stand thing. He said that she didn't do anything wrong. Howard also took a call from a guy saying he was Brad Pitt's brother, Stu, who said he was the one who gave her the hickey on her neck and now he's selling the gas mask he wore on eBay because her coochie smelled so bad.
Howard gave Courtney a plug for her album ''America's Sweetheart'' and tried to talk to her about that. He also asked to see her lift up her skirt so he could check out her hips. She did that for him and he said that it didn't look all that bad. Courtney said she's been working out trying to keep in shape. Courtney wanted to talk more about the album but Howard had to go. It was 10:50 in the morning and it was getting late. She was telling Howard about working on the album and all of the other girls in the band. Howard asked her what the best song was on the album. She told him to play ''Hold on to Me.'' He played some of that and let Courtney ramble for a couple more minutes. She said that she hopes that the FCC eventually leaves him alone. Howard said they will never leave him alone. She continued to talk so Howard had Artie do his song where he sings about all of the subjects that Courtney was talking about. It really was amazing how much stuff she talked about while she was there. Courtney liked what he was doing and got in on it and added some more stuff to the song. Courtney said that Howard had just introduced her to her soul mate (Artie). She went over to him and asked him to keep going. They were doing a duet with the rambling song. Howard let them keep going as he wrapped up the show. She was back by Artie in his area and she was apparently grinding him. It was insane but Howard had to end it because it was already 11 o'clock.
An Angry Beetlejuice Visits. 05/05/05. 9:00am
Howard had the guys bring in Beetlejuice (JollyDwarf.com). He was apparently in a foul mood this morning. He didn't like them talking about his diaper earlier in the morning. Gary came in and said that Beet was in a really bad mood and didn't want to come in. He had a really bad look on his face when he walked in. Howard tried to talk to the guy but he didn't have much to say. Howard asked Beet what was wrong. Beetlejuice said he didn't care about what anyone was saying about him. Howard figured he was upset about the whole diaper thing and the fact that Sal brought it up. Howard asked Sal to come in and apologize for that whole thing. Sal came in dressed like Beetlejuice. He apologized to Beetlejuice and said that he's a legend and a star and he will never bring up that diaper thing again. Beetlejuice said that he'll let him slide on that. Sal told Beetle that he was dressed up as ''Sal Juice'' or ''Prune Juice'' this morning.
Howard told Beetlejuice that if he's ever in a bad mood, he doesn't have to come in if he doesn't want. Sal asked him if his diaper was too tight. Beetlejuice said he wasn't wearing a diaper today after Howard asked him to show them if he was. Howard asked Beet if he enjoyed his trip to Hollywood with Sal and the guys. Beet didn't care about any of that stuff. He didn't know about the upcoming appearance he had today either. Howard asked Beetlejuice about this idea he has for the Wack Packers where they'd all go in a room and pick a leader just like the Catholic Church did for the Pope. The Wack Packers would be picking a ''Dope'' instead.
Howard asked Beetlejuice about this upcoming Beetle Bash fight he has coming up. Beet said it's all fake and he won't get hurt during it. He'll be at the John Street Grill today from 11 to 1 and then he'll be there again when he does the Beetle Bash thing on May 14th. Doug Goodstein came in and said that he thinks Beet was mad at the E! camera. He shut down when the camera came into the green room when he was talking to Bob Levy. Doug also said that Beet has hemorrhoids. Beet said he didn't have them and he was just joking around about it with Doug earlier.
Howard took a call from someone who had clips of Beetlejuice that they played to create a conversation with the live Beetlejuice. Beet didn't think it sounded like him at all even though they were clips of his voice. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Beet to cheer up. She said she'll be singing the Star Spangled Banner at the Beetle Bash when that happens. Howard hung up on her before she could sing anything today. Howard said he heard that Beet's birthday is on ''May 34th.'' Beet said that's true and he was born in 1936. Howard took another call from a guy (Zolar) who was pretending to be a gay guy, Phil the Fag, and claimed that he was with him last night. Beet said the guy must be out of his mind and ended up cursing at him so Howard had to hang up on the guy.
Howard told Beetlejuice that he had a good appearance today and asked him if he wanted to meet Gilbert Gottfried. Gilbert came in a few seconds later even though Beetlejuice said that he didn't care about meeting him. Gilbert asked Beet if he had seen him in ''Problem Child'' or ''Problem Child 2.'' Beet said he didn't see them and he never would. He didn't seem interested in seeing any of Gilbert's projects. Howard told Beet that Gilbert worked with Eddie Murphy but Beet didn't care about that either. Howard had Gilbert do his Afflack Duck impression for Beetlejuice but he didn't care about that either. Howard wondered why Beet didn't like Gilbert because he doesn't like him either. Howard said there's something about Gilbert that people just don't like. Howard said that Gilbert should have been a big star by now but there's something about him that has kept him from that. Howard wondered if it was Gilbert's ''Julius Caesar'' hair cut. Robin asked Beetlejuice if he'll even shake Gilbert's hand when he leaves. Beet said ''No way!'' Gilbert tried to convince Beetlejuice to like him by talking about the movies he's been in and by telling some jokes. Nothing worked. Gilbert told a joke and Beetlejuice said that it was a stupid joke. Nothing was working.
Howard asked Gilbert to do some impressions. He did a couple of impressions including his classic Dracula impression. Beetlejuice still didn't care about him or anything he had to say. Gilbert also did an impression of a guy who played Dr. Frankenstein. Howard asked Beetlejuice what he thought about that, he still didn't care. Howard said that he had his wife Katiejuice on the phone. He picked up the line and it was Zolar doing his female voice. He broke into his deep voice after doing the female voice for a minute. Howard wrapped up with Beetlejuice after that. He gave him another plug for his upcoming Beetle Bash. Gilbert also gave Beetlejuice a joke he can use... it went something like this. ''How do you keep a black man from cashing his welfare checks? ... Hide them in his work shoes.'' Beetlejuice didn't appreciate the free joke so Gilbert gave him one more. ''Did you hear 500 Puerto Ricans died? Their bed collapsed.'' Beetlejuice just kept saying ''Good for you'' over and over again as Gilbert was telling jokes and doing impressions. Gilbert did his impression of Groucho Marx when he was in his older years. Beet said it just wasn't working for him though. Gilbert went through about 5 more impressions but nothing was getting through to Beetlejuice. He did his Andrew Dice Clay, Robin Williams, Jay Leno and Jerry Seinfeld but Beet's attitude wasn't changing. He just sat there saying ''Good for you.'' Gilbert did his Jackie Mason impression while Beetlejuice was breathing heavy into the microphone. Howard said Gilbert is used to people not liking him. He had to wrap up but Gilbert wouldn't stop with his impressions.
Beetlejuice took off his headphones and started to walk out of the studio. Howard called him back and said he wanted to do a plug for him. You could hear Beet yelling at Gary as he was trying to get out of the studio. Howard said he's never seen Beetlejuice try to run out of there like that before. Howard gave him a couple of plugs and asked Beet to shake Gilbert's hand. Beetle refused to do it and ran out of the studio. Howard wondered why Beetlejuice hated Gilbert so much. He said it's kind of like going to someone's house and their dog doesn't like you. Howard gave Gilbert a plug for a comedy club appearance he has on Monday at the Gothem Comedy Club and a plug for his web site GilbertGottfried.com. The site is new so Howard wondered what he's done for the site so far. Gilbert had no idea what was on it because he had nothing to do with it. Howard took a break before they got to Robin's news.
And Finally... 11/16/06. 10:55am
Artie said he's tired of eating so much food and he's barely able to move because of that. That led to Artie telling this story about doing a special show up in Boston over the weekend for this disease Prader-Willi, or something like that, which is a thing that kids get where they're missing a 15th chromosome and leads to them eating non stop. He told the story one other time but this time he laughed uncontrollably as he was talking about this one girl he saw in this movie about the disease where this girl goes running to an ice cream truck whenever she hears it coming. He said the kids have no control over their appetites and it's really heartbreaking.
Artie said they showed this movie at the event he was at and it was very sad. Then they introduced him to the crowd. He said that every instinct he had was to tell fat jokes but he knew he couldn't do that because the kids are all suffering from this eating disorder. Artie joked about some stuff and was kind of bombing. There was one old guy not laughing so he told a joke with the F-word in it and the old guy laughed like crazy, so he just ended the show with some dirty jokes.
Robin got into her news after that. At one point Howard was looking over the ratings for WYSP which is the station they were on in Philly. He said that when they were on they were always number one but they're down to a 2.0 rating and are getting beaten by WMMR now. Howard said they helped bring them to number one and it's kind of sad that they've gone down so far.
As Howard was wrapping up the show Artie mentioned that you can pre-order his movie ''Artie Lange's Beer League'' on Amazon.com as of today. The movie is due to be released on January 2, 2007. Howard ended the show around 11:35am.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Artie. He said they played the day Artie sat in the Jackie chair the first time. He said with Artie he thought he had some things against him like not being Jackie. He said a lot of people didn't know who he was. He said he had the challenge of mixing in with the crew. Jon said he talked about working with Norm MacDonald and what it was like working on a sitcom. He said Artie picked his spots early on and didn't talk too much. He said he thought he blended in very well though.
Scott said he was like a perfect match. He said he was the opposite of Jackie. He said he didn't write jokes like Jackie did. He said he was more of a story teller. Jon said he's one of the best story tellers ever.
Benjy said he loves Artie so much. He said he forgot about some of the things that happened in that segment. Benjy said he can't remember that segment they played today. He said he does remember very quickly loving Artie. He said he was the guy that you were excited to see at work. Jon said he's a guy you want to hang out with. He said he's moody but he was always a pleasure to be around.
Jon took a call from a guy who said this week has been like a best of Artie week. He said it reminds him of how much having that third voice works for the show. He asked if they could pick someone who would it be. Benjy said Artie. Jon said George Takei sat in and some other people have too. Jon said he thinks Howard is up for trying just about anything. He said he doesn't think anyone will be there permanently. He said he thinks Howard is happy with the mix right now and how it's all flowing. He doesn't think it's going to be filled anytime soon. Jon said Artie would be great but there are a lot of people who could sit in. Scott said if Howard wants someone he might pick a female to put a different spin on things. Benjy said maybe a black person. Jon said he thinks that spot is filled right now by someone else.
Jon said it's hard to say. He said you don't know who is going to be good in that chair. Benjy said you do wonder because Artie is so talented and likeable. He said he wonders if there is any make or break moments.
Artie said that when there's change in anything the first instinct is to not like it. He said as time went on Artie fit more into the mix. Jon said he saw a lot of people complaining on JumpTheShark.com when Artie started.
Benjy said he thought Jeff Ross was really good in the studio. He said that he thought AJ Benza was fun too. He said that was a completely different role though.
Jon said Vinnie Favale sat in a lot too. He said that one of the things you hear today is the tapes that Vinnie gave to the show. Jon said that Gary was told that he had tapes that would rival his. He said that might have been an understatement. He said Vinnie's is more creepy than Gary's was.
Jon said he wonders if Vinnie knew that one day those tapes would be replayed. He said that the way it was shot makes it appear so. Scott said that Vinnie's were also made over the course of time and Gary's was just a one shot deal. Benjy said from what he remembers Vinnie had a relationship with this woman over the phone for a long time. Benjy wonders if there were more tapes that he didn't give to them. Jon said he's sure there are. He said Vinnie even said that he's surprised that Debbie married him after all of that.
Jon said that the tapes were very creepy and even Sal might think they were. Scott wasn't so sure about that. Jon said they were pretty nuts.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what their favorite Artie Lange moments are. Jon had the caller give them his first. The guy said when he sang with AC/DC was his. Jon said he loved the Prader-Willi story. Scott and Benjy loved the pig story. Jon said he loves the story about going to meet the bookie on ash Wednesday.
The caller asked what the chances are that Artie will be on the show. Jon said Howard has said it on many occasions that he doesn't think this schedule is healthy for Artie and he may not come back. He said he's not sure Artie even wants to do the show. He said it took Jackie a long time to get back on the show but he eventually did. He said that could happen to Artie.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked how Howard can make fun of Sal's teeth when Howard has had his chin done and had his teeth capped. Jon said he's the boss. He said he makes a living out of making fun of his producer and other people.
Jon said one of the reasons Howard was going off on Sal was because of the money he was spending on it. He said Howard can afford it and Sal really couldn't. Benjy said he thinks that both of them look great. He said they should do what makes them happy. They had to go to break after that.
Jon asked Sal why he thinks this is creepy. Sal said that if he was a chick and a guy sent a video he'd think it was nice but then he'd hear about the balls and it's a buzz kill. Jon said it worked because they are married and it's worked for a long time. Sal said that's true. He said that you do have to pick and choose and compensate for things. He said that Debbie may have thrown up in her mouth but she loved Vinnie and married him.
Sal asked what Jon's wife would do if he did that with the ball scratching thing. Jon said she'd be out of there.
Jon said he thinks that when you have some familiarity with your spouse you don't try so hard as you did when you were younger. He said you pull out all the stops to get them early on.
Sal asked Scott what he did with his wife to get her. Scott said they know already. He said he never did anything like that. Jon asked Scott how he got her. Scott said his current wife he's trying to remember. He said he had a party and they knew each other through friends. Sal asked what kind of party and friends they were. Scott said they were just regular friends at a regular party. Scott said the friends hooked them up and that's what they were out to do. Scott said she ended up staying the night that night and they've been together almost 30 years now.
Sal asked if he thinks about that one night stand and how it worked out. Scott said it worked out right away. He said he heard that she wanted nothing to do with him before she came over. He said it worked out anyway. Scott said they were both just divorced and it worked out good.
Scott said this was a few years before he worked with the show. Benjy asked why she wanted nothing to do with him. Scott said he doesn't know. Jon said that Benjy had the same thing with Elisa. Benjy asked if she said she didn't want to be with Scott. Scott said that she didn't want to date anyone at the time.
Sal asked if she didn't want to stay together after the rendezvous. Scott said they started going out right after that. Scott said he never said they had sex that night either. Sal said that he had to do something that night that made her want him.
Benjy asked what the first morning after was like. Scott said it was good. He said he thinks she made him breakfast but then she had to go to work or something. Jon said that's impressive. He said good for him. Sal asked what he's packing in the old boxers. Scott said it's average. Benjy said you can see that he's large by looking at his jeans. He said he thinks he has a nice face too. Sal said he thinks that he has a fat penis based on his neck size.
Jon said he thinks that Scott is being honestly modest. He said to have his wife after one night part of that is his personality but maybe something happened that night made it magical. Scott said it was a good night. He said they were both happy.
Jon said that Benjy seemed to have a completely different relationship than Scott and his wife did. He said that Elisa wasn't that interested in being with him early on. He said Scott got with his wife after one night together.
Sal asked if there was any other times that Scott had that happen. Scott said he thinks he did. He said he was very awkward as a teen so it didn't happen a lot when he was younger. Jon asked how he learned to close. Scott said he can't get into that. He didn't want to get into any of that kind of stuff.
Jon said Benjy seems very interested in this. Benjy asked if they've ever been with a woman who they slept with but they didn't want to date them.
Sal asked what it is that Scott can tell them that captivates these women. Scott said he's not afraid to explore with someone. He said if his partner wants to do something to get turned on then he wants to satisfy them. Jon said that's what Ronnie says too.
Benjy said that Scott gets shit for being slow but maybe that's what he has in bed that works. Scott said he can hold out. Sometimes it's too long.
Sal asked what his tips and tricks are for keeping that stamina. Scott said he has no tips. He said it's just a natural thing. He said he can rebound quickly too. Jon said they had to take a break after that.
Jon said Gilbert told a doctor joke and Beet said that it was the worst joke ever. Sal said he walked in as PruneJuice that day. He said that he remembers doing that. He said he was trying to cheer him up but it may have made things worse.
Jon said the other thing that came up was Sal getting his teeth fixed. He said Sal was also talking about playing the role of Italian Ice and that's the movie that just came out this week called Jersey Shore Massacre. Sal said he's glad he got his teeth done. He said he'd rather have shiny white teeth than old crappy yellow teeth. Sal said that they're not super white either.
Sal said that Gary's caps are atrocious. He said Gary would be the first person to make fun of his own teeth. Benjy asked if he really thinks so. Sal said he thinks that he would. He said that Gary has talked about how bad his teeth are. He said he got the done a long time ago and the technology wasn't so great. He said he thinks Gary would admit that.
Jon said that the teeth aren't a cheap item to get. He asked if it was worth it to get them done. Sal said he thinks so. He said that people can see them in the movie as Italian Ice.
Benjy said that they do seem more settled in. Sal said they have. He said that after a couple of years the do tone down like a new car. Sal said that he's told he has a nice smile. He said there's nothing wrong with having nice teeth. He said they are a little bright and Howard has fun with it.
Jon said it seemed like Sal was living out his dream playing Italian Ice in the movie. He asked how much of a thrill it was. Sal said it was thrilling until he had to dance for 4 hours. He said that was the hardest part. He said that he was living through a portion of his life and it turned into something positive. Jon asked if he thought about what he had to go through in his real life with the rapping thing. Sal said he did and he realized that he doesn't really have what it takes. He said it was tongue in cheek in the movie but not when he was a child. He said he got to see the big picture and see his dream play out in the movie. Sal said that maybe it wasn't his forte but it was fun doing it.
Sal said people are buying his old songs and they'll live on forever. He said he's so happy that he has them on iTunes now. Jon said he likes ''Shake'' the best.
Jon asked Lisa G to give them a Howard 100 News rundown. Lisa did that and said that JD is spending his first long weekend with his girlfriend. She's starting to leave things at his apartment too. Lisa had a couple of other quick headlines and then Jon had the guys get in their plugs before ending the show. They were done around 11:15am.
Metallica Performs Live. 09/23/13. 8:00am
After the break we heard a prank call Richard made to a guy who was selling a Super Bowl jacket and Richard counted out his change trying to come up with what he was looking for. Fred also played a song parody from Little Mikey called ''Sal's Got Smells.'' Fred played Black Sabbath's ''Iron Man'' as they were coming back. Then he played a clip from a Tradio show where the host read fake names that Richard and Sal sent in. Fred played a Baba Booey song parody after that. He must have been killing time while Metallica was setting up. He played Ringo Starr's ''Peace and love'' clip after the song parody. Then he played a 888-9-ASSHOLE promo clip that Jim Breuer did as Brian Johnson of AC/DC. Fred then played Guns N' Roses ''Sweet Child O' Mine.''
Howard finally came back around 8:15 with Metallica in the studio. Howard said he's sitting there with the Legends themselves. He said he's been waiting for this for months. Howard said he knows these guys had a whole thing with Guns N' Roses. Howard said they went on tour with them and it was a nightmare. James said he did have that right. Howard said they're infamously late. Howard asked if that was the rub. James said they stood for everything that they didn't like. He said that's what they escaped in the early days and Guns was into all of that.
Howard said that he appreciates that they aren't like that. Howard said that they look like they're having fun. Howard asked how they're awake after the show they did on Saturday. Howard asked if they weigh themselves after a show. Howard said they must lose pounds. James said a friend wanted to put a pedometer on him. He said he wanted to see how far they ran during the show. Howard said they have an amazing amount of energy.
Howard said their film ''Through the Never'' was great. He said he'll talk more about that in a minute. Howard said they appear to be having fun when they perform. Howard said he was nervous for them at the Apollo. Howard said he got the feeling they we removed by it. Lars said that when they're that close it makes you step up. He said they have 3 levels there and everyone in the front and first tier are really close. He said everyone feels like they're sitting on top of you and it's cool.
Howard asked if it still feels new to them. James said they're honored to play in a place like that. He said that they get nervous and they get excited about playing any show. Howard said some songs are harder to play than others. He said he noticed that when James and Kirk are playing together reminds him of the Allman brothers. Howard said that they appear to be doing the same thing that they used to do with the dual leads. Kirk said that the band Thin Lizzy was an inspiration for both him and James. He said once you know what you're going to play it's pretty easy.
Howard asked if they are really precise when it comes to doing a concert. James said that they've been pulling it off lately with the shows. He said that they have a lot of trust that they're going to do well. He said that you have to trust that whatever happens in the moment that they're going to be okay with it. He said Howard must have that with his radio show.
Howard asked when he started playing guitar. James said he started at 14. He said he had to take piano lessons and he hated that. He said he got the guitar and he learned it on his own. Howard said that's fucking crazy to him. He asked how old he was when he did his first song. James said he was 15 and the band hated it so he fired them.
Howard said James took a long time to figure out how to sing. Howard said in the early days he was trying to find his voice. Howard said he used to sound like Robert Plant in the beginning. Howard played a clip and he had a high voice back then. Howard said he used to talk really high with a nasally voice. Howard asked when he found his style that he has now. James said you just tour and build up confidence. He said that you get feedback from the band and listen to yourself and think about how you don't want to sound.
Lars said that James used to be so shy that he didn't talk. He said they went to Europe and he saw a big change in James when he started talking to the audience. That made him more confident.
Howard said that he saw Led Zeppelin getting the Kennedy Center Honors and he wondered if Metallica would even want something like that. Kirk said he thinks it's great. He said they're still being acknowledged. He said he hopes that when they're older and fatter that they're doing that. Howard asked if they'd do that Kennedy Center Honors thing. Lars said they don't have a policy about it. He said they would think about it. He said they're open to stuff like that so they'd think about it. Lars said they did things their own fucking way and they never sold out. He said they'd probably do the Kennedy Center thing.
Howard said he was watching the Metallica concert the other night and listening to the songs. He said that the record companies could have said this wasn't commercial and they could have changed but they didn't. Howard said he thinks that's why the audience likes them. James said they've stayed honest to themselves and that's all they can do.
Howard asked when the sell out stuff started coming out. Lars said it started early. He said that when they heard an acoustic guitar in a song then the fans started saying that they were a sell out. Howard said this song ''Fade to Black'' is what Lars is talking about. He played some of the song while they were talking. James said they played and wrote songs with a guy years ago. He said they were supposed to go on tour but their gear had gotten stolen. James said that their tour manager had a U-Haul with their gear in it and it was stolen. Howard said they couldn't even afford to replace it. James said that he thought they were screwed. That's when he came up with this song. Howard said the song gives him chills. It's fantastic.
Howard said Lars gets a lot of shit for not being a good drummer but he was blown away by what he saw on Saturday night. Lars said that they have their own thing and one of them are virtuosos. He said there are people in the metal community who wonder who can go the fastest and stuff like that. He said they're not about that. They're about the songs. Lars said everyone else got caught up in all of that stuff. Lars said that they thought they weren't practicing enough and that's been going on for 30 years now.
Howard asked Robert about playing bass and if he's channeling Jack Bruce when he plays. Robert said he grew up listening to Motown and stuff like that. He said that there's so much that he grew up on and that's the same stuff that Jack Bruce and guys like that were doing.
Howard said when he was in the audience everyone was singing along to some of the songs like ''The Memory Remains''. He said that must make them feel great. James said it really is. He said there is nothing more connecting than that. Howard talked about Marianne Faithfull singing on that song and how her voice sounded in that. Lars said she did that in like 2 takes. He said that they had a legend singing their song and she just nailed it. Howard said it's so classic. Howard played some of that song. Howard said that went on for like 10 minutes and he wanted to do that all night long. Lars told Howard to come lead the choir next time they're in town. He was singing that part really well.
Howard said that the guys have a new movie out called ''Through the Never'' and it's great. Howard said that things got weird on Saturday night. Howard said Richard Christy was wearing a diaper so he could piss himself. Howard said that Richard took smegma on his moustache to sit in today. Lars just gave a shocked sounding ''Wow'' when he hard that.
Howard said guys get very physical at their shows. Howard said it was crazy on Saturday night. Howard said things got very weird. Howard said it got gay really fast. Lars said the safest place was on stage.
Howard said the guys are going to perform the song ''One'' and he wants to know more about that song. Howard said it's anti-war and he gets the feeling that they are anti-war. James said that he might be correct with a few members. Howard asked if they're split that way. James said that politics and religion split people and they're about bringing people together. James said he's all about freedom. He said they just write about it not saying it's good or bad.
Howard said the video for ''One'' really got his attention. Howard asked how he starts writing a song about that. James said his older brother told him a story about the book ''Johnny Got His Gun'' and he related to that. He said that it wasn't about not being able to speak or anything like that but just being stuck in your own body not being able to communicate with anyone. Howard said the song is about a guy who can't talk, see, taste or smell. Howard said that James had a miserable childhood and he survived that. Howard said he's not sure how he did that. James said he grew up thinking it was normal. Howard said his father left when he was 13. Howard said his mother died a few years later from cancer. Howard said he was basically orphaned. Howard asked if it bothered him that his dad didn't get in touch. James said he actually did contact him but he wanted nothing to do with the guy. James said he has come to a lot of closure with all of that. He said his dad did his best. He said that his dad didn't have a father either and he can make sense of what happened there. He said sometimes you have to ask your friends how to be a good father. He said that can be hard. He said you want to be the macho dude and that's very hard.
Howard asked James about his mother being a Christian Scientist who didn't believe in any medications or anything. She didn't take any medicine for her cancer. Howard said that James must have thought that she could still be around if she had. James said that she didn't even admit she had cancer. He said that she didn't want them to even talk about it. Howard said that's why when they hear the song ''One'' it's very much about James. Howard said that he's the guy with his limbs cut off. Howard told them to perform the song and not cry. James asked how much he owes him for this therapy session. Howard said he's just about in tears when he hears this song. Howard said the guys are going to perform the song now.
Howard told Richard to come in and sit in during the song. Howard said Lars is the reason that Richard started drumming. Howard said Richard can't even move his neck now. He said that the concert was more about him than it was about them. Richard said he cries when he hears this song. He was just about in tears.
Richard said that he learned to play double bass on the drums thanks to Lars. Robin said Richard lived in a storage locker for 10 years. Lars said that the guy who gave them their first record deal is the guy who has Richard's band Charred Walls of the Dammed. Howard said the difference is that they sold millions and Richard didn't.
Howard had the guys perform their song ''One'' after that. After the song Howard said Richard's diaper was full. Howard said he was head banging in there. Richard said he'd take a million smegma moustaches for that moment.
Howard asked Lars what happens there and how he writes that song. James said you lock yourself in a garage for a while. James said they just pick out their best riffs and slap them together. Howard asked how he comes up with the lead vocal on that. Howard asked who writes that stuff. James said he does. Howard asked how they come up with songs like that. James said it's different for every song. He said that it's like a puzzle. Howard asked if he read poetry in school. James said he didn't. He said he was the one getting mentally beat up when he was growing up. He said for him getting into a room is where is happens. He said he might think he's going somewhere with a lyric and it takes you somewhere else.
Howard asked James if his teachers would be shocked that he's a lyricist now. James said they would. He said he learned a lot from music.
Howard asked about the song ''Nothing Else Matters'' and if he was embarrassed to bring it to the band. James said he was. Howard said it was a love song to a girl. He asked how he brought it to the guys. James said Lars heard it and thought it was good. Lars said that James played it for him. He said that's how he heard it. Lars said that they would trade songs and ideas for songs and then they'd go away and start writing months later. He said they all had ideas for songs and they'd work with what they had.
Howard said when you think about Lars and James they're from the most distant parts of the world. Howard said the fact that they found each other was amazing. Lars said they all had something missing from their lives. He said that he found a brother that could relate to what he was going through. Howard asked what keeps them together though. Howard said they had some shitty times together. Howard asked if they would ever break up. James said they've gone through fire together. Howard asked if they get together socially. James said they don't do that too often. He said they respect each other with their families. They do get together at HQ with their families and that's great. James said they can conquer just about anything. He said they've been through it all. James said that they aren't individually amazing musicians but together they're great.
Howard asked what they would say if he said that this song ''Nothing Else Matters'' is a love song to Lars. James said that could be true. Howard asked the guys to sing the song now. Lars said he may cry now. Howard said it's a beautiful love song that came to be because Lars gave James the confidence to release it. Lars said that when he heard the verses it moved him and he knew they had to share it with the rest of the world. He said James was too vulnerable to do that at the time but he knew they had to get it out there.
James said that the song is about brotherhood as well. He said it's about needing another human. Howard told them to go ahead with the song ''Nothing Else Matters.''
After the song Howard said that was beautiful. Howard asked how they decide who takes the lead. James said that Kirk is better than he is. Kirk said whoever has the better feel for the part will take it. He said that James will defer to him because he likes rocking out on stage. Kirk said James would rather just leave it to him and rock out. James said he likes working them out but not playing them. He likes handing it over to Kirk.
Howard asked Kirk why he has a White Zombie tattoo on him. Kirk said it has nothing to do with Rob Zombie. He said it's about the movie that came out in 1932. He said he has a mummy guitar too.
Howard said he saw James playing the coolest fucking guitar ever. He said it was a black one with a cross on it. James said that's his Iron Cross guitar. He said this one he's playing is the Snake Bite. He said he likes that it's thinner and lighter than others. He said that it hangs on him well. He said it's just a feel thing with that one.
Howard asked Lars about that song and if he knew it would be a hit. Lars said it wasn't about the hit thing. He said he just wanted the fans to see a different side of the band.
Howard asked why the put out this movie now. Howard asked who convinced them to do it. Howard said he's never seen a musical performance recorded so beautifully. Lars said they wanted to be shot from the inside so you feel like you're on stage with the band. He said that you want to be right there with the band. Lars said they shot from the stage out instead of the other way around. Howard said you feel like you're in the band that way. Lars said that they had their sound guy do the audio and he stepped it up. He said it sounded next level at the premiere.
Howard asked the guys if they thought about not doing it because of the pressure. James said he and Lars were freaking out. He said they were wondering who would want to see that. He said they've seen U2 and the Stones and he wasn't sure how it would have any legs at all. Howard said it's flattering to the ego though. Howard asked how much it costs to make a movie like that. James said that it is expensive. He said they've seen each other thousands of time on screen but they wanted a narrative in there. Robin asked whose idea it was. Lars said they had seen all of these other documentaries and they wanted to do something different. Lars said they didn't need to make it like a documentary so they got this kid Dane DeHaan to play the part and he was great. Lars said that there is no dialog in the film and he had to make heads and tails of the whole thing.
Howard said they provided everything you need to see in the movie. Howard said he was in the gym the other day and he benches 90 pounds. Howard said he hears their song ''Blitzkrieg'' and it gets him hyped up. Howard played some of that song and the guys started playing along with it. Howard asked if they think that their songs inspire violence in some way. Howard said he has to beat the shit out of something when he hears their songs. Kirk said the songs do make a lot of adrenalin flow.
Howard asked how they put a stop to their music being used to torture our enemies in wars. James said you can't stop it. They weren't able to stop it. Howard said that it would be great if they played it for some terrorist and he gets into metal and starts his own band. James said that could be Torture Metal. Lars said there are a lot of fans in the middle east and it's great that they can inspire the unity that they do over there.
Howard said that the guys must be glad that they got into this and didn't stop. James said that they never wanted to get out. Howard said that's because they didn't have a choice. Lars said that when they were starting out they could go to Burger King and feed the guys at the salad bar for cheap. Howard asked if they miss those days.
Lars said they're living the dream some 32 years later. He said they were at the Apollo on Saturday, at Yankee stadium last night and here today. Howard said he was so ashamed of what he did at the 1992 MTV Awards. Howard said he ruined things for them that night. Howard said he almost lost his fingers that night. Howard said he feels bad because that was the first time they were being honored there. Howard said he was showing his ass while they were making a speech. Kirk said that he was like ''What the fuck was that?'' that night.
Howard said that you have to see this new movie ''Metallica Through The Never'' (ThroughTheNeverMovie.com) that opens soon. Howard said the film is great quality even if you're not a fan of the band. Howard said they must have had a lot of cameras during the movie. James said they had a lot. He said it was intense and they brought the experience of you being on stage. He said it was pretty high intensity. Howard said he was jealous of them on Saturday night. Howard said he has to get started playing guitar now and maybe by 90 he'll have a band in full force.
Howard asked why James is the only one with ink on him. James said kirk has some too. Howard said they should all have some ink. Howard asked James if he likes his. James said he has no regrets in his life. He said he loves art and loves what's on him. He said he sometimes wonders what it would be like without them.
Howard asked James if he can tell his kids that they can't get tattoos. James said once they're 18 they can get whatever they want. James said that he was 37 when he got his first tattoo.
Howard asked if they watch the MTV Awards. James said he didn't know MTV was still on. He said he doesn't watch what's going on in music these days. Kirk said it's hard to get him to see what's going on with music these days.
Lars said he doesn't really listen to commercial radio anymore. He said he listens to satellite radio or his iPod. He said he doesn't listen to regular radio anymore. He said commercial radio is a non-entity anymore. Howard said it's hard to sell albums now. Howard said he thinks that they were right about Napster. He said a band can't make money anymore selling albums. James said that there are new ways to make money and there are bands trying. Howard said they might not be able to break through though.
Howard asked James if his kids like music. James said they do. Howard asked if he ever spanks them for listening to shitty music. James said that your parents always hate your music so that's a great thing.
Howard said it was an honor to have them in there to perform today. Howard said the new film is great. Howard said it opens on Friday. Richard said he was moshing in his chair watching the movie. He said the sound is great. He said they have an album coming out for the movie too. He said it was like being in a concert at the theater.
Howard said they have a Metallica channel there at Sirius. Howard said he likes that because he can pump iron to that. Howard said some day he'll be in shape because of that. Howard said these guys play hard and you can't be weak playing like that. Lars said that they are all in better shape now than they've ever been. He said they respect it. He said they have guys who massage and stretch them after the shows.
Howard asked if anyone is a vegetarian. Kirk said he hasn't had red meat since like 1985. Howard said the guys are going to honor them with one last song. This is their song ''Enter Sandman.'' Howard said this is about bad dreams as a kid. Howard said James knows about that. Howard asked if he ever had anyone comfort him at all as a kid. Howard said Lars must have comforted him. James said that Lars let him come to his house and record records. Lars said that they hung out in his room for the first 2 years.
Howard asked if they were doing a tribute to Jimi Hendrix on Saturday night. Kirk said he did that because he learned that Jimi won a talent contest there at the Apollo in 1964. Howard asked if he had to tell the guys in the band he was going to do that. Kirk said he doesn't think he did tell them. He was just feeling it in the moment.
Howard asked James about what this song is about. James said it was about a dysfunctional family. Lars laughed and said it was more than that. He said it was supposed to be about crib death. Howard said he'd like to hear the original lyrics. Lars said he and their manager had to have a talk with James about that. He said this was the first song they wrote together and it was done in a day. Howard asked James if he'll ever write a song about crib death. James said he will now. Howard had the guys leave them with their final song ''Enter Sandman.''
Howard said he could do that all day long. Howard asked if that hurts James' voice. James said it does. He said that it's good to wait a few days between concerts. He said that it's not sounding great this morning. Howard said he thinks it is. Howard asked if he does vocal training. James said he doesn't. He said that Robert has stepped up to help him out during the songs. Robert said they've made him a better musician. Howard asked if they fucked with him by not putting bass on one album. They told Howard that was the wrong guy.
Robert said back in 1993 he was in Suicidal Tendencies and they were on tour with Metallica. He said they were all drinking a bottle of Jagermeister and he drank that whole bottle himself. He didn't know that they weren't drinking with him.
Howard asked if they wear hearing protection. Lars said they wear in ear protection. He said they measured the sound level where he plays and it was 125 DB. He said that he had it so bad at one time that he thought his TV was on. He said it wasn't on. James said that he has tinnitus. Howard asked if they hear a ringing in their ears. James said it's that and all of the other voices you hear in your head. Howard said it must be annoying to hear that ringing in your ear. Lars said that it's bad for him because you can't hear what other people are saying. He said that he has to sit and listen and concentrate on what people are saying in a noisy environment. Lars said it's not getting worse but they have it under control. Lars said when he was 10-12 years old they'd put records on and see who could keep it on 10 for the longest time. He said he talks to his kids about it now and tells them that 30 years from now they might not be able to hear anything.
Robin asked what the fans get. Lars said that if it's one show a year then it's a different story. Howard said he doesn't have ringing in his ears but he has a small cock. Howard said they don't want to hear about that.
Howard said that Billy Joel retired a song that he couldn't stand playing anymore. Howard asked if they have any songs like that. Lars said they play a different set list every night. He said that they mix it up with 60 songs or so that they can more or less play. Howard said they must have to play some songs to make the fans happy. James said they weren't able to play ''Master of Puppets'' in China. The government didn't allow them to do that. Howard said they should have just played it. Lars said those kids really responded to what they did that night. James said they got to play over there and that was the key. Howard asked if they thought of canceling when they said they couldn't play Master of Puppets. Kirk said he snuck some of the licks from the song into the concert.
Howard said it must be tough setting the set list for the movie. James said the Chinese government set that list. Howard said that's great. Howard said that he has to give them a million thanks for coming in this morning. Howard said it was remarkable to see them playing there live. Howard said he'd give them the Kennedy Center Honors but they won't listen to him. Lars said that maybe Howard can induct them with his ass cheeks out again. Howard said he can do that and show his tiny cock.
Howard thanked the guys for coming in and for their new movie and the Metallica channel they have there. Howard gave them some plugs and told them to come in any time they want to play. He said he's sure he'll never see them again though. They went to break a short time later.
Kotex The Angry Black Woman. 3/16/00. 9:30am
This angry black woman from Haiti called in and yelled at Howard for a few minutes about his filthy, disgusting show. She claimed that her name is Kotex. She went on and on about how she was going to get Howard's ''Son of the Beach'' taken off of FX because it's so disgusting. Howard entertained the call for quite a while because her accent was so funny. Plus it resulted in calls from people calling themselves Maxi Pad, Tampon String and Uncle Douche Bag.. all claiming to be Kotex's relatives. After 15 minutes or so Howard finally decided to move on and hung up on the angry bitch. She said that she'll be protesting the show on Saturday at the FX offices..wherever that might be.
Kotex later called in and was exposed by another listener for not being from Haiti. It turns out that Kotex is actually from Jamaica. Howard let a bunch of angry fans yell at Kotex before hanging up on her once again.
Kotex The Angry Jamaican Calls Again. 3/20/00. 6:05am
Kotex the angry Jamaican who called in last week to complain about Howard's new show ''Son of the Beach'' called in once again this morning. She held her own little protest at the FX offices over the weekend. She said she was standing outside the studios with a sign reading ''No Howard - No Justice'' which doesn't make any sense at all. Kotex also revealed her real name while she was on the phone. She said something like Alausha Abujaba. Not as easy to remember as Kotex. Howard let some angry listeners yell at Kotex before ending the phone call. Most of the callers just wanted Howard to get the bitch off the air. It was far too early in the morning to hear her horrible voice complaining about Howard.
TWWoSS: Mike Schmidt Crying Tape - May 30, 1989. 04/26/13. 7:00am
Next on The Wide World of Howard Stern Sports we heard Dan Patrick introducing a segment from 1989 when Howard played tape of Mike Schmidt's retirement press conference.
In the clip Howard said he had tape of Mike Schmidt crying. He said it's so funny they could play it 100 times. Howard said he hasn't laughed so hard in his life. Howard said they should put it on a loop. Robin said they've heard it a bunch of times in the news office and they laugh every time.
Howard played the clip of Schmidt talking about leaving Dayton, Ohio with two very bad knees and the dream to become a major league baseball player. Then he starts crying and thanks god this dream came true. Howard cracked up when he heard that.
Howard wondered what he did after that. Robin said it took him several minutes to get it together. Howard said he wants to hear more of the press conference but they cut it off. Howard said he wants to hear the silence after the crying. Scott the Engineer told Howard the owner of the team came up and said something since Mike wasn't able to recover.
Howard asked if Mike is that great a player. Gary said he really is. Howard pretended to start crying himself. He had Robin cracking up. Howard told Gary not to just stand there. Gary said Boss is one of the greatest.
Howard and Robin said that this tape is great and they should hold on to it. Howard replayed the clip he had and said he really wants more of it. Howard cracked up again when he heard Mike crying.
Song Parodies, Joey Boots And More. 04/03/13. 7:35am
After the break we heard a ''Ronnie Mund Reads the Classics'' bit. We also heard a song Richard Christy created with Howard's bar mitzvah tapes and some music.
Howard came back and listened to that song Richard created. Howard said that's ''Jew Rock.'' He said that song is sweeping the country. He said it's the latest trend. Howard said if you listen to that you'll see God. Robin said it's growing on her. She said she hated it yesterday. Howard said it's like a fungus.
Howard went through the top 5 songs and had Rihanna at number 5. Bruno Mars was at 4 and Justin Timberlake was at 3. Howard said number 2 is Harlem Shake. Number 1 is Macklemore and Ryan. He said he saw them on SNL and thought they were good. Howard let the song play for a few seconds. He said that guy is a white kid. Robin said he's not really. Robin said he does a great impression.
Howard played a bit where they had JD Harmeyer running for a political office. They had him giving his thoughts on various things.
Howard said they've been playing the Chyna drops lately where she teaches people English. He said they had a prank phone call and now they have a song parody. He played the song which was to the tune of ''Hey Jude'' with Chyna talking to Gene in those teaching tapes. They had some of her coughs and moans in there too.
Howard asked Robin if she wanted to do some brackets. He said he had a few different ones. Howard said they had one where Robin would pick the hottest guy. Howard said they had what animal would you have sex with. Robin said that's not a game. Robin asked how you have an answer for that. Howard said they have most annoying staffer too. Robin wanted to do that one. Howard said he has to get to a lot of stuff so he asked how long that one would be. Gary said it's only 16.
Howard said they have clips of Joey Boots Baba Booey'ing at a Mets game. Howard said that he did it 3 different times. Howard played the clip of a broadcast where Joey was screaming out the Baba Booey thing. He would yell it out at the top of his lungs and it could be heard very well while this broadcast was happening. He was screaming at the top of his lungs and wouldn't stop. Howard said he's got a very powerful voice. Gary said that the guy talking is a big fan of the show so he knows he's hearing it. He said he knows what it means.
Howard said Joey wasn't done yet. He played more of Joey yelling out Baba Booey. The host kept going with his interview.
Most Annoying Staffer Bracket. 04/03/13. 7:45am
Howard got to the Most Annoying Staffer brackets. Gary said they have it broken down into different groups. First up was the Inner Circle. Howard said he hates that name. He doesn't think there is an inner circle. Gary gave Howard the first choice which was Benjy or Fred. Howard and the guys were talking about Fred and Benjy and how annoying both of them are. Howard said that it's going to be Benjy in everything. He said Scott DePace isn't more annoying than Benjy. Doug isn't either. Howard said Doug is annoying but not like Benjy. Howard said Doug can be very annoying though. Howard said Ronnie isn't more annoying. He said Mike Gange is super annoying but not like Benjy. Howard said that Jason isn't annoying to him. Scott Salem is annoying but not like Benjy. Howard said Sal, Richard, Lisa, Jon Leiberman and Shuli and everyone else were less annoying than Benjy so Benjy wins.
Richard came in and told Howard what he would have picked. He said you have to think about how it would go if you tried to have sex with these things. Howard said he's going to let Richard go through this. He said he has no idea what to pick. Gary would give the guys their choices and they'd explain their answers. Howard said wanted to get this over with. Here are Richard's choices:
Here are Richard's next 4 picks out of the 8:
And Richard's final four:
Richard's final pick was the dolphin because they don't have ticks. Howard told him to get out of there. Howard wondered if Sal agreed with that. He said they could double team the dolphin maybe. Howard said he's not sure he wants to play this next clip where you learn how to blow guys. He said he's just turned off to sex now.
Howard said he has a bunch of anchorman laughing over the word penis. Howard played the clip where a news guy was doing a sports report and says penis instead of Peter. Then that made the guys on the newscast laugh.
Howard said they had a news clip where a couple of DJs were kicked off the air for a stunt they pulled on April Fools day. Howard played the clip and they were saying that the DJs had said that they had dihydrogen dioxide coming out of the drinking water and sent people into a panic. It turns out that's just another name for water. Howard said they got suspended over that. Howard said they sent people into a panic over that. Howard said they say that you don't fuck with water, food or shelter on the air.
Howard looked for more stuff to play. He said he has some stuff to play but it's going to take him some time. Howard said he has a clip of a woman who died and said she visited with God. Howard said he had to take a break and get to Louis C.K. next though.
Johnny Knoxville's Lie Detector Test. 08/03/05. 8:40am
Howard told Johnny Knoxville that he was going to hook him up to a lie detector test today and ask him if he's slept with Jessica Simpson. Johnny didn't believe that he had a lie detector there but Howard had Ed Torian the lie detector guy there. Ed came in and told Johnny that he has been doing this for 25 years and has done it for Howard for about 10 years. Johnny said that his answer was no to the question about Jessica and he's never passed a test in his life so he wasn't willing to take it. Howard told him to go over in the other room and get in the lie detector so they could find out if he's lying. Johnny said he's got nothing to hide but he's not taking the test. Ed wanted him to come and just look at the lie detector. Johnny said that's kind of like saying ''I'll just stick the head of it in...'' Johnny went with Ed and Ed showed him what he would do to him. Howard told the guys to lock him in the room and hook him up. Johnny finally sat down in the chair and let Ed hook him up. He was wondering if alcohol and amphetamines would effect the outcome. Ed said they'd take that into consideration. Johnny said that he was ready for the test but he did make sure that he let everyone know that alcohol and amphetamines were going to effect the test.
Howard had Ed start off the test with his baseline questions like his name and what the date is. Ed told him to try not to move for a minute. They took Johnny's headphones off and started to question him. They asked him if his first name was Johnny, if he was married and if he was happy. Johnny didn't sound so sure when he said ''yes'' to the happy question. Then they started to get into the Jessica Simpson questions. They asked him if he had sex with her and if he kissed her. He said 'no' to both. Howard then had Ed ask him if he's ever had sex with a farm animal. Johnny stuttered a few times and said 'no.' He also doesn't find Jessica to be stupid. Howard asked him if he's ever used the term ''nig***.'' Johnny said yes to that one. Howard thought they had enough of the Jessica stuff so they asked him if he was attracted to Ed Torian. Johnny said 'yes' to that one but it sounded like he was just joking around.
Howard had Ed unhook Johnny and had them come back to the studio. Robin said she thinks that he failed the test and has had sex with Jessica. Johnny came back in and said he thinks that he passed the test. Ed came in a minute later with the results. Johnny admitted that his real name isn't really Johnny so he would have failed that test. Ed said he was deceptive on that one. He was truthful on the marriage question according to Ed. Howard said no one believes he's married because he's always out at clubs with other women. Johnny said he's not there with women, he's just out drinking. The next question, about being happy in his marriage, he was truthful on. The sex question about Jessica was another one he was truthful on... but he was being deceptive on the tongue kiss question. The next question never made it to the air according to Gary. They had apparently asked him if he's ever used his tongue as toilet paper but the delay was hit. He was truthful when he said no to that. He also failed when he said he didn't think Jessica was an idiot. He worked with her for 3 months on ''The Dukes of Hazzard.'' He was also truthful about using the N-word. Johnny said he's used it when telling stories or jokes. Howard wondered if he's used it while talking about Jessica Simpson. Johnny failed the test on the question about thinking of Jessica Simpson while pleasuring himself. Johnny said she never came up when he was pleasuring himself. Ed gave Johnny his lie detector test paper and left the studio after that.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Johnny about this new movie he's in. Johnny said it's been testing pretty high with audiences. Robin asked him what he thinks about the people from the TV series talking about how bad the movie is because of the sexual content. Johnny said that Ben ''Cooter'' Jones has been making such a big deal out of it that everyone knows about the movie now. Johnny talked about working with Burt Reynolds and Willie Nelson. He said he's not sure what's in the weed he smokes but it's pretty intense. He said he's not a big pot smoker but when you sit down in his bus and he hands it to you, you don't turn it down. Johnny said he didn't smoke any when he was shooting scenes though.
Howard wondered how Johnny keeps his marriage together with all of the rumors about him going out with Jessica Simpson and Kate Moss. Johnny said his wife knows he's a flirt but he's really not going out with those women. Howard couldn't get past the Jessica Simpson thing and said that she must be bored with Nick Lachey and that's why she might date someone like Johnny who's a little more exciting. He was also saying that Johnny must love the publicity. Johnny said he could do without the rumors. Howard had to take a break so he told Johnny to stick around when Gilbert Gottfried comes in. Artie told him how great he thought the ''Jackass'' movie was. He said he was laughing his ass off through the whole thing. Howard said he heard that Johnny got paid $5 million for ''Walking Tall'' but Johnny didn't want to talk about how much he makes. Howard went to commercial break a short time after that.
Big Foot Mark Sings Live... Kind Of. 01/24/07. 8:15am
After the break Howard mentioned that today is his daughter's birthday. She's 14 years old. He was saying that's his oldest daughter but Robin reminded him that he's got two other daughters who are older. He joked that once they pass 15, they're no longer his kids.
Howard had the guys bring in Big Foot Mark who was there with his girlfriend. Robin said she saw his girlfriend accidentally earlier. Gary came in and said they had the door shut but Big Foot had to go to the bathroom so they opened it up. Big Foot said he had to go fix his hair.
Big Foot started talking about this band he has and Artie started to laugh immediately after Big Foot threw in his first ''it is'' as he was describing what he does in his life... it is. Howard wondered how he managed to get a girlfriend. Big Foot was describing his life as being kind of like ''abacco'' but he was trying to say tobacco.
Big Foot said he transports people around for a living. Howard couldn't figure out what he was talking about so Big Foot said he's an undercover taxi driver. He doesn't have a license to do that so he has to keep it quiet. Big Foot said if you take the money in like that, he doesn't have to pay any taxes on it. Everyone stopped talking and Howard let out an Uh Oh! when he heard that tax talk. They told him he may want to talk to Crazy Cabbie about that.
Howard asked Big Foot about this CD he has out. Big Foot described one of his songs called ''Breaking My Heart... it is'' so Howard asked him if he's written any songs about the gay stuff he's been into. Big Foot said he'd rather not write about that nasty stuff he was involved with... it is.
Howard asked Big Foot if he's written anything about blowing guys. Big Foot said most of the songs are about transporting people around and also some love songs. He was going to sing a song about his white Cadillac. He said his friend Kenny Sawyer wrote the song. Kenny was in the studio so Howard asked the guys to give him a microphone so he could speak. Kenny said his friend Mel called him and asked him to help write some songs for him. Big Foot claimed that he wrote the lyrics while Kenny wrote the notes.
Howard went around the room and spoke to each of the guys who were in there with Big Foot. They all know him pretty well and one of the guys told a story about Big Foot going to court one time and telling the judge he was upset with this man because he had ''stolen his dope it is.'' Big Foot said he'll tell a judge anything and he doesn't have a problem talking about that stuff. The guys were also talking about how Big Foot had gotten laid in the hotel room last night. Big Foot said he recorded it for Howard too. Howard liked hearing that. Will told him to hold onto the tape until after they play the girlfriend game.
Howard talked to the guys about how the whole sex thing went. They were all saying that they were hoping it would come to an end pretty quickly. Howard had the guys perform the song a short time later. The guitar player started playing and Big Foot started singing. As soon as he sang his first line, Artie was laughing hysterically. He couldn't stop laughing through the whole song. Big Foot forgot some of the lyrics and kind of spaced out.
Howard said they have another song called ''Here's My Story It Is.'' Howard asked Big Foot why he says ''it is'' after everything he says. Big Foot said that it's a speech impediment he has and he's been saying it for a long time. The guys sang their song but Howard was hearing the other guy more than Big Foot. Howard stopped them and asked Big Foot to sing louder. Big Foot tried it again but he didn't seem to know the song very well. Howard stopped them again and asked Big Foot if he wanted to be reminded about the words.
Artie asked Big Foot if he can read. Big Foot said he can't and they know that. Gary said he looked at him like he wanted to kill him so he pointed out he wasn't the one who said it. Big Foot tried the song again but he needed the other guy to sing along with him. Howard had to put a stop to it a short time later because it was such a bust.
Howard said he had to stop this... it is, it is. The lyrics to the song included ''it is'' quite a bit. Artie said that the only thing musical on Big Foot was the El DeBarge jacket he was wearing. Big Foot had no idea what he was talking about.
Howard asked Big Foot to give that song a try one more time. He tried it but it just wasn't happening. Howard said it was time to meet his girlfriend. Big Foot was kind of upset that he couldn't get the song right because he wanted it to go well. He asked if they could do the White Cadillac song again. Artie told him that maybe he should try Billy Joel's song ''We Didn't Start The Fire.'' That wasn't going to happen.
Howard asked Big Foot if he was upset about something. Big Foot said people have been bothering him about the money he won in the football pool. That led to the guys asking him if his girlfriend came into his life after he won that money. He said she didn't but he's only been dating her for about 2 weeks now. He said he didn't get the money yet so she didn't come to him for the money.
Big Foot asked to play the song again and demanded that the guys get it right this time. Howard pointed out that maybe it was Big Foot's fault it didn't go right. He said that they didn't want to rehearse before the show today so he was blaming them. The guys in the band were saying that they've been trying to help Big Foot out with this stuff. He's got people coming after him for that money he won even though it's only about 8 grand.
Howard asked the guys to just do a song real quick. Big Foot wanted to sing his White Cadillac song once again. They went into the song again and Artie started laughing hysterically again. Big Foot forgot the words again so they had to stop. Gary asked whose fault that was. Big Foot said he needed the guy to sing along with him so he could pick up on the words. He said he thought they were going to work with him, not against him.
Robin asked Big Foot how he's going to go on tour like this. Big Foot said he might have to get rid of these guys and get someone else to perform with him. He said he wrote the song but he had some help when he was doing it. These guys were supposed to be his backup. Howard asked Big Foot to sing a simpler song or something. Artie suggested Happy Birthday.
The guys tried one more time but we heard more of the guitar player's voice than Big Foot's. Howard told them they had done a good job after that. Robin said that maybe it was the happy smoke he had before the show that didn't help things out. Howard told Big Foot that this dog in the band Caninus actually remembers it's words better than he does. Howard decided to let Big Foot go for a little while. He had Janice Dickinson to get to. He said they'll bring them back after her visit.
Howard gave Big Foot a plug for his band which is called The Real Big Foot Band. Big Foot didn't remember the name of the band. Howard was going to play some of the CD before they go to break so he can get a little taste of that. He played a short clip but it didn't sound much different than what he had just done live. Howard let the guys go a short time later and went to break.
Hank The Drunken Dwarf Comes In. 8/15/97. 6:50am
Remember Hank? He's the dwarf who came in and got dressed up in a Superman outfit last year. He went out on a date with a woman and wore the Superman outfit on a carriage ride around Central Park. Today he came in so Howard could put him in a box out on the street. Before they got to that Howard talked to a 15 year old kid who got laid by his 25 year old math tutor. Then another dwarf called in to yell at Hank and tell him that he's giving dwarfs a bad name. Hank cursed and yelled at the guy. He may be the first person to say ''asshole'' more than once without having the delay button hit. Around 8:05 this morning Hank was in a steamer trunk yelling at people to get him out of the trunk. They did this with the late Doug Bady a couple of years ago. Hank tried it for a little while but he said he's claustrophobic so he had to get out. A bunch of people walked right by the trunk and looked at it when Hank yelled. No one helped. That was it for Hank. He ruined the bit so Howard didn't have him back into the studio for the rest of the day.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Metallica. He said they were great that day. Jon said it was pretty cool to have them in there. JD said they're one of his favorite bands. He said that he got into them back in 1994 or so. JD said it was the weekend before he started high school. JD said that he was into metal before then but he got into Metallica that weekend.
Benjy asked if he went through the metal phase with long hair and all of that. JD said he had longer hair. Benjy asked if he's a metal head. JD said he likes metal. He said he likes Slayer. He said he's not into death metal. Jon asked if he bullied people. JD said no. He said he was bullied though. Jon said he's surprised he was bullied if he was into metal. JD said he wasn't a Jock or a Preppie in high school. He said he watched ''Divergent'' last night and he was factionless. Jon said that's a nice Divergent reference there.
Jon said he's joking with JD about the metal guys but when they went to see Richard play at Comic-Con they were hanging out with those guys and they were the nicest guys in the world. He said they all had a really good time. He said sometimes the stereotype doesn't fit. He said JD isn't what you'd expect a metal head to be. JD said he never said he was a metal head. He said he thinks they're the guys who only listen to metal. JD said he likes metal but he likes other types of music too. Jon asked if he likes Ariana Grande. JD said he does listen to her music but he's not a fan of her brother who is on Big Brother. Jon said they're not going to talk about that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he forgot about the Metallica interview and he got to listen to it all this morning. He said it was like the best interview he's heard. Jon said Howard loves them too. That led to Jon asking JD what his favorite Metallica albums are. JD gave Jon a list of his favorites.
Jon took a call from a guy who brought up fantasy football and got the guys on that subject for a short time. That led to Jon getting in a plug for their Fantasy Football special that's airing on Howard 101 today at 3pm.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the metal guys were never bullies with the pimply face, long hair and skinny arms. JD said the bullies came from the Preppies. He said they were the bullies. Jon said that's strange to him. He said he doesn't think of them as being bullies. He said he thinks of them as being douchy. Jon asked what they did to him. JD said one guy threw rocks at them while they were at lunch. He said that guy was a preppie. Jon asked if they went after him. JD said they weren't metal heads either. He said it was just a couple of guys who hung out. Jon asked if they were nomads. JD said he can call it whatever he wants. Jon asked if there were any girls in the group. JD said it was him and another guy. It was just one other guy. Jon said he thought it was a group. JD said he's jumping to conclusions.
Jon asked if they went after the guy or not. JD said they just avoided it. He said he doesn't remember if it happened more than once. JD said that some of the people from this faction would befriend the Preppies and hang out with them.
Benjy said it seems like maybe he was known in high school and maybe kind of loved. JD said maybe toward the end. JD said he wishes he could mention one guy's name. He said he fucking hates him.
Jon took a call from a guy who brought up the Mike Schmidt thing and if they think they'll cry when Howard retires. Jon said that Howard will be the one retiring, not them. He said it's a good question though. He said he thinks Howard may shed a tear. Robin will too. He said Fred probably won't. Jon said Sal will cry, Richard will cry, Jason will cry, Will will laugh. Jon said that Gary will cry too. He said JD may not. JD said he thinks he may. Jon said the one he'll keep his eye on is Ronnie. He said he thinks he'll get choked up and it'll be very entertaining.
Benjy said he can see Mariann and Bobo crying when he retires. Jon said when it gets down to the end of the show he thinks it will be a hell of an emotional day. Benjy asked Jon when he last cried. Jon said it was during a movie he was watching with his daughters. He said something happened that reminded him of his daughters when they were little.
Jon asked JD when he last cried. JD said last night on Big Brother they showed some emotional messages from home and it got to him a little bit. JD said Donny got eliminated and he was his favorite guy. JD said Donny started crying so he started crying himself. Jon said he gets very emotional then. JD said he does. They went to break after that.
JD said that he's very empathic and he can feel if someone is genuinely emotional and it gets to him. Jon said it must get to him a lot. JD said it can when he's watching a movie alone. He said it's not TV so much. Jon said he knows he's a Big Brother fan. JD said he's done with the show this season. He said he doesn't care who wins anymore.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Benjy if he gets emotional. Benjy said he did this morning for like a second over the song True Colors. He said that made him think of Elisa.
The caller asked JD if he had just one rock thrown at him or more than one. JD said that he thinks it was more than one. He said they were little. Jon asked how far away the guy was. JD said the guy was maybe 10 feet away. He said that's just what he can remember. JD said he really wishes he could say the guy's name.
Jon took a call from Wolfie who said he ran into Mike Schmidt and asked him about the crying. He said Mike said he doesn't regret it at all because it came from the heart. Jon said he gets that but it is funny to listen to.
Benjy said it seemed to be a passionate cry and not something that came from weakness. Jon said that they'll be playing it after the Wrap Up Show.
Benjy asked how old Wolfie was at the time. Wolfie said he was in his 20s and he got upset over it. Jon said he thought it was great but if it happened to someone on a team that he liked he'd get upset too.
Jon asked Shuli where he is in all of that. Shuli said that's the definition of a viral video. He said he's never been a huge baseball fan but he remembers Howard going to town on it. He said he felt bad for the guy.
Jon took a call from a guy who talked about the metal heads in his school and how they were never a threat. He said that the jocks were nasty and so were some of the Preppies. The caller said that you see a lot of things in school. He said that he has seen things that were brutal. He said he remembers one guy who would beat the shit out of everyone.
Benjy asked if Jon was a preppie. Jon said he had geeky friends and they were kind of cooler geeks. He said he got along with pretty much everyone. He said he played sports too. Shuli said he made friends with everyone who was bussed in and he never had any problems with bullies.
Benjy said he made friends with the lunch lady. JD said they can tell. They went to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a guy who said they were talking about Metallica and he was wondering about other bands in the future and maybe Rush coming in. JD said he knows why Jon picked him up. Jon said he thinks they'd be awesome. He said they'd be charming and entertaining. Jon said he'll continue to push for them to be on the show. He said he would love it.
Benjy asked if they are Jon's Black Keys. Jon said that they'd all have to agree to have them on. He said he thinks Richard would love to have them on too. He said he can't let him say they're his favorite though. Jon said they're his favorite, not Richard's.
Jon took a call from a guy who brought up Big Brother and that led to JD saying that he thinks that the producers have a big hand in the show this season and he's not happy about it. JD said he doesn't care who wins this season anymore.
The caller brought up that Kotex woman and how she sounded like she was a put on. He asked if they heard from her after that. Jon said she called in more than once and she wasn't a put on at all. He said that's how they find gold on the show. He said that Alice is one of those and so is Eric. He said they sound like characters but they're not. He said that's what makes them so special. Benjy said they'd probably like to hear from Kotex again. Jon said probably so.
Jon said that Howard can run hot and cold with callers. He said that Eric has broken through that. Shuli said the first person to pick up on him was Benjy. He said that they'd tell him to keep calling in so that's what he did. He said he would be on the phone at 3am waiting for Howard to pick up.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he has a little thing that will help JD out. He said he and a buddy were freshmen in high school and they got beaten up by some stoners. He said a buddy told him that next year he'd find them. He said the guy beat the shit out of them the next year after he went to the gym over the summer. He said his buddy got so big. He said he went from 140 to about 270 over the summer. Jon said he can't support the violence but there are ways people get even. Jon said maybe JD's fame gets even in a way. He said he has become a real personality. Jon said maybe they look at him like that. JD said they may not even know who he was.
Jon had Steve Warren from the Howard 100 News team in to give them some headlines. Steve ran down a few of the stories they had coming up today. They mentioned that Bobo took the ice bucket challenge and Shuli said he saw it and it's the worst ice bucket challenge video he's seen so far. He said Bobo and his wife have no idea how to work video on a phone. Jon wrapped up the show after that. They were done around 11:20am.