|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
26 Year Old JD Finally Loses His Virginity! 01/10/06. 7:30am
After the commercials Howard wanted to bring in JD because he found out something about him that was interesting. He said that JD used to be an intern who was really good at pulling clips for the show. He sounds like Napoleon Dynamite and sounds like him too. Fred played a couple of clips from Napoleon Dynamite before Howard said that JD finally lost his virginity to a chick. Her name is Courtney and she's 28. She was on the phone to talk about this. JD is 26 and just lost his virginity. JD said that he did have a girl give him oral once before this. JD said that he was 25 when that happened.
JD told Howard that Courtney sent him a message through his MySpace account. She said that she looked him up on there and eventually hooked up with him. Howard said there must be something wrong with this chick. He asked her how much she weighed and how tall she was. She's 132 pounds and only 5'2'' tall. Howard thought she must be chubby but JD said she's really not.
She gave out her MySpace account which is at www.myspace.com/lvcourtney. Howard checked out the picture and said she wasn't all that bad. She had big breasts and claims that they're real. JD is apparently calling her his girlfriend now. Gary said that she was at the final day party and she was there with Dennis Hoff from the Bunny Ranch.
Howard found out that Courtney used to have her own adult web site and she used to do sex shows on a web cam. Gary said she must be one of those women who does what you type to her on camera. JD said he knew that she used to do that stuff and he was fine with it. She now sells insurance so she doesn't want to give out her old web site address.
Dennis from the Bunny Ranch called in and told Howard that he's known Courtney for a long time and she's a great lover. Courtney said that she did sleep with Dennis but JD didn't know about that. Courtney said she's never worked there at the Bunny Ranch and she's never done anything like that. Dennis told Howard that JD is a very lucky man to have been with Courtney. He said that she's very bright, fun and loves to have a good time. He thought that it was great that this guy had such a great woman as his first.
Howard asked Courtney who was more fun to be with, Dennis or JD. She said they were different and wouldn't commit to either one. Howard said that Dennis is going to have a show on his channel called ''Confessions From the Bunny Ranch.'' Dennis said that they're getting some great stuff for the show out there.
Howard got back to JD and Courtney and asked JD what he thinks about her sleeping with Dennis. JD said he was going to have to think about that. Richard Christy came in and asked her if JD was big or not. She said that he was fine and his rubber stayed on when he put it on. Richard also asked how long he lasted with her. Courtney said that he lasted quite a long time... maybe five minutes. JD said that he didn't rub one out before doing it with her either.
Howard asked George if he has ever rubbed one out before being with a man so he can lst longer. George said ''Uh, yes'' in that unique George Takei way. He said it's more pleasurable when you do that. Howard welcomed everyone to Howard 100 after that and talked about how great this was.
Howard asked Courtney if JD was able to give her an orgasm. She said she really doesn't get there without a plug in the wall. She eventually admitted that Dennis was better than JD in bed but Dennis has a lot more experience. Howard asked her if she was turned off by the way he speaks. Courtney said she thought that he was very cool and treated her very well.
Howard asked JD what she was wearing when he invited her to his apartment. He wasn't able to tell a story so Howard got irritated with him and gave up on trying to find out what she was wearing. Gary said that he was looking at Courtney's MySpace account and saw that the people she'd most like to meet were Jimmy Fallon and Artie Lange. He wondered if she banged JD because she wanted to get to Artie. She claims that's not what she was doing. Richard said that she seemed to be really into JD and told him that she really wanted to bang this guy the day she was hanging out with him.
Fred played some more Napoleon Dynamite audio clips over a love song. Gary said that he heard that JD's apartment is a mess. JD said that no one from the show has ever been up there to see it so no one would know. Howard asked Courtney how drunk she got before doing it with JD. She said she had a few cocktails before that but she wasn't completely drunk. JD said he had one Jack and Coke before so he wasn't wasted either.
Howard asked Courtney and JD how this all went down. They described what went on in detail. Courtney said she took her top off after changing clothes at his apartment. Then she went over and kissed him while she was topless. The guys asked him if he sucked on her and if she tasted like Dennis Hoff. Courtney said she went over and got on top of him. As they were discussing all of this George Takei was laughing his ass of thinking about how romantic this was.
Richard Christy was asking some very personal questions about what was going on so Artie was goofing on him by doing his impression of him and making up some questions that he might ask. JD was claiming that he had fingered this chick but Courtney said she didn't remember that. Howard said that this is big for JD because he lost his virginity to her.
Courtney said that she used to do phone sex for her web site but she hasn't done that with JD. Artie joked that JD would probably put the phone up his ass thinking that meant that it was phone sex. Artie had George Takei laughing his ass off at those jokes. Howard told Artie he's going to get lucky with George if he keeps that up. George said he was exhausted from laughing so much.
JD said that his Dad knows about the loss of his virginity but he's not sure if his mother knows yet. Artie joked that when his dad found out he said ''You f'd Courtney too?'' Howard didn't want to make a mockery out of this whole thing so he stopped the joking around. He got back to the discussion about JD and Courtney's sex date.
Howard asked JD if he practiced putting on condoms before doing it with Courtney. He said he did and he got the condoms from a box they had at K-Rock when they were still there. He said they were some Durex condoms that they were giving out for free.
Courtney was talking to someone there so Howard asked her who it was. Courtney said that it was her friend that's on her MySpace page. Jessica Hahn called in a short time later and said that she knows Courtney and she's a very nice person. Howard ended up asking Jessica about the hate she was giving them a few weeks back on Howard 100 News. She said that she was just jealous about some stuff. She loves Howard.
Howard said that he wants Sal off the PDT (scroll on SIRIUS) because he was calling Courtney a ''ho.'' He told Sal to stop it and play it straight. He wants him to keep the ''ho'' comments off of there. Sal told Howard to calm down, he just added that ho comment after playing it straight earlier.
Howard found out that Courtney had gotten on top of JD and did him that way. He wanted JD to describe how it felt for the first time but JD wasn't sure because he had the condom on. Howard said that shouldn't have mattered for his first time.
Howard asked JD more about how it went and he seemed to have a good time but it was kind of hard to tell because he wasn't able to express himself very well. He did go down on her at some point. He said she smelled fine to him. Howard asked JD what he did with the condom. JD said that he just threw it off to the side when he was done. Richard asked him if he's changed his sheets since then. JD said he hasn't. Courtney was kind of upset about this because it was going so bad. Howard told her she'll forget all about it in a few months.
JD said that he and Courtney did it that night and then the next morning. Courtney said that he got behind her that morning and really hit it hard. He didn't last all that long that time. JD said that any position is a good position for him. He tossed that condom on the condom heap that he started the night before. Richard asked him if he was able to enter her himself or if Courtney had to guide him in. Courtney said she's pretty sure she helped guide him in. Howard wondered if Courtney and JD thought about anal. Courtney said ''Absolutely not.'' Howard wondered if Dennis Hoff did anal with her. She said that didn't happen with him either.
JD told Howard that he walked Courtney back to her hotel after that and really didn't just want to get rid of her like Howard thought. The guys asked JD when he'll be entering her again. Neither of them were sure but JD is still calling her his girlfriend. Courtney said that she doesn't have a lot of friends and it sounds like she's really not looking at this like a relationship. All of the guys were goofing on JD making fun of the way he speaks.
Howard said that Beth got an e-mail from JD where he basically told her that he'd gotten laid. He was going to bring that in so he could read it since JD couldn't remember what it said. Howard congratulated JD on his conquest and welcomed Courtney into the family. Robin said that JD was supposed to lose his virginity there in the studio, not at home. Howard said that he screwed them over by doing it at home instead of there.
Richard said that JD has been asking him if he's doing any shows out in Vegas so he can go along to see this chick. Courtney asked Howard if he's going to be coming out there anytime soon. Howard said that maybe JD will. Courtney claims that she hasn't done any other guys since she was with J. She's not looking for any plugs either so that should tell us something about the relationship. Howard let her go and did a commercial break.
Dr. Ferdie Pacheco Calls In. 10/19/98. 8:30am
Dr. Ferdie is some fight doctor who was calling in to defend Mike Tyson's return to the ring. What this turned into was an insult contest between Howard and Dr. Ferdie. The Dr. was really stubborn and wouldn't listen to what Howard was trying to say. He would just keep talking while Howard yelled out questions. The guy was a real prick. He almost made up for his attitude when he told Howard that ''Private Parts'' was a really good movie.
Comedian Nick Di Paolo Sits In During The News. 06/02/04. 9:15am
Comedian Nick Di Paolo (NickDip.com) came in to hang out during the news. Howard was saying that Stuttering John suggested that Nick try out for his job before he left. Howard said Nick doesn't need a job like that, he's a pretty successful comedian. The guys goofed on Stuttering John for a couple of minutes after that. Nick said he's making like $1,100 a week now so he's making about $500 more than John was making when he was there. Nick also said he thought that John liked his stand-up comedy. Fred was doing an impression of John and goofed on him a little bit more. Artie threw in a dig at him as well and joked that John could have suggested Kelsey Grammar to replace him. George Carlin and Chris Rock were also suggested. Artie did his impression of Chris Rock and what he might sound like if he replaced Stuttering John.
Howard said John came to him and suggested that ''Nig'' try out for his job. He didn't know who he was talking about. Howard went on to talk about how John would use the show as a way to get comedy shows together and he'd get guys like Nick to work with him. Those guys would have to kiss his ass because he was able to fill the clubs.
Nick said he and Artie might see John out in L.A. Soon because they're doing a gig out there. Howard noticed that Nick had a tattoo on him that was hard to figure out. Nick showed it to Howard and it looked kind of like a skull or something. Fred continued to goof on John by doing his impression of him for a couple of minutes. He was relentless in his stutters and snorting. He had Artie laughing hysterically as he did his pig-snorting stutters. Howard was laughing pretty hard as well.
Howard said that John told him that Nick could use the plugs so that's why he might take that job. Nick thought Fred's impression of John was pretty funny and it was scary how close it was to the real John. Fred was pretending to be John telling Nick how to answer the phones and stuff like that.
Gary came in and said that John used to brag about how he would guide certain phone callers to talk to Howard in a certain way and stuff like that. Howard said that must be why the phone calls aren't quite as polished as they used to be. Nick wondered what his job paid because John had a really nice house. That led to Howard goofing on Jay Leno for stealing John over to his show and what a douche he was for doing that. The guys were goofing on the way John says names like Nick and Nicolas as ''Nig'' and ''nig*erless'' when he speaks.
Howard asked Nick what he's been up to lately. Nick said he's been traveling a lot doing Stand-up. He's also got a cartoon show on Comedy Central called ''Shorties Watching Shorties'' that's produced by Denis Leary's production company. Nick said the show has been getting good ratings lately. Nick was over in Japan on a USO tour as well. He said that they're very polite over in Japan and it's amazing what a couple of A-bombs will do to people.
Howard gave Nick a couple of plugs for the other stuff he has going on. He's appearing on Comedy Central's ''Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn'' and he's appearing at Caroline's on Broadway every Wednesday in June. Howard had to take a break before getting to Robin's news.
The guys continued to goof on Stuttering John during the news. Fred was still doing his impression of him during some of the news stories that Robin brought up.
Scott The Engineer's Public Reaming. 4/12/99. 6:05am
Howard returned from his one week vacation this morning and the first thing he did was read a memo from the head engineer, Ritchie Herbie, about how Scott the Engineer spilled a drink on his board. Scott explained that he spilled a bowl of cereal on a phone hybrid last Wednesday and admitted it to his boss, Ritchie. Scott said Ritchie told him it was no big deal but when he came in this morning the memo was posted on his door. It was also sent out to just about everyone at the station. It basically said that Scott spilled the drink on some equipment and that it could happen to anyone who brings a drink near the equipment. It was a warning to everyone else in the station not to spill. If you were wondering what kind of cereal Scott was eating, it was Crispix.
Weezer Performs Live In Howard's Studio. 10/17/05. 8:40am
After the break Howard had the guys from Weezer in the studio. He asked the guys what they thought about what Vinnie had said about them being like The Beatles of this generation. Lead singer Rivers said they would have to disagree with that but they did appreciate that someone would say that about them. Howard also asked Rivers about the stories they were discussing earlier about him being celibate for the past 2 years. Rivers said that it's been 2 and a half years. Howard talked to him about how he went to a swami at one point and had to avoid women for a couple of months. He told Rivers that he could be getting some top poon tang if he wasn't doing the celibate thing. Rivers said he was never about that before anyway so it's not that big of a deal. Howard told him he could be getting the Pam Andersons and Jenny McCarthy's of the world. Rivers said that he doesn't even pleasure himself and that was the really tough thing to get over. He also believes that he's more happy now than he was before he took the vow of celibacy. Rivers said he's not even dating these days but he'd like to find someone and end the celibacy soon after. All of the guys in the band told Howard that they didn't have any luck with chicks when they were in high school. Rivers said he had a couple of short runs of craziness before the celibacy thing came about. Gary also asked Rivers about giving up all of his possessions. Rivers said he did that but didn't give up his money. The guys said that Rivers could just buy everything back if he wanted.
Vinnie Favale showed up and started kissing the guy's asses as soon as he came in. Fred played some of Vinnie's song ''Restless, Restless'' and Artie jokingly said that just last week he told him that Nickleback was this generation's Beatles. Vinnie shot back at him by telling the band that Artie ''thinks'' that he's a comedian. Vinnie told Howard that he heard that Rivers went through a lot of women before the vow of celibacy and he actually wrote a song called ''Pardon Me'' on their latest album ''Make Believe'' which is basically him apologizing to all of the people he hurt. Vinnie also told Howard that Rivers will sit in a closet doing meditation for 12 hours at a time. Rivers said it's not a closet, but it is a small room similar to a closet. Vinnie was filling in the guys about what Rivers has gone through and how their second album was a flop. Rivers told Howard that one of their albums was so inspired by Howard back in the 1994-95 time frame that he included Howard's name in a piece of artwork that appears in the album ''Pinkerton.'' There's a picture of an island in there and Howard's name appears there. Howard asked him why he had to include his name there and not with the hit albums. The guys thought that was kind of brutal.
Howard had the guys go ahead an perform ''Beverly Hills'' from their album ''Make Believe'' since that's the reason they were there. Howard didn't want Vinnie to actually sing along with them because he'd probably ruin the song. The guys in the band went head and did it themselves instead. After the song Howard asked Rivers some more questions about how the band all got together and how they had a hit song and album when their first album came out. Then the second album tanked and Rivers lost his confidence. He said that their manager called after that and told them that they had more offers to do shows because they did have a large fan base. Rivers went back to Harvard and finished up school after the album tanked. Then they came back in 2000 and started playing in the Warped tour. Rivers said that they got their confidence back during those shows. He's also going to go back to Harvard to finish up 3 more classes in February and will be living in a dorm room. Gary said he should be able to get laid pretty easy there. Howard thought that would be pretty weird. He asked Rivers what the secret to life is and Rivers said he's no really sure but valuing your friends is a big part of it. He told Howard that they've put out 3 albums since they came back in 2001 and have sold maybe 10 million albums total but he doesn't think of himself as a big star or anything like that. Robin asked them if they look at other bands and think they'd like to be them. One of the guys said he'd like to be like a Red Hot Chili Peppers or U2 type of band.
Vinnie asked Rivers who gets top billing at the shows they're doing with the Foo Fighters. Rivers said that the Foo Fighters play after they do and have a bigger set up than they do. They're supposed to have equal billing but that's the way things go at the shows. Vinnie thinks that the Foos should be opening for Weezer because Weezer's albums are ''evergreen'' and they'll be hits forever. The guys in the band asked Howard if he had any requests for them. Howard asked them what songs they like to cover. They said that they like to cover Song 2 by Blur but Vinnie told them that was the wrong answer. Howard asked them to play ''Hash Pipe'' instead. They had to work out their setup for a minute and then went into the song.
Artie told the guys they sounded good after they were done. Howard asked them if they could have ever done the whole spandex thing like bands were doing years ago. They dress pretty conservatively now so they said they could never have done that. Artie asked them if they could cover a Rush song but Vinnie asked him if he was back on drugs after hearing that. Jason came in and suggested that they perform one of their older songs that he thought was about one of the guys being molested as a child. Rivers said that's not what the song was about, it was about growing up with two fathers. That led to Howard asking Rivers about growing up and finding out that he grew up in an Ashram. They talked about what that was like and Rivers said that it was actually a good thing for him. Howard wished the guys luck with everything and they said they're looking forward to Howard's move to the new place. Howard told them to come on over and perform when they move because they'll have a studio set up just for musicians. He also asked the guys to sign some stuff for his 12 year old daughter who is a huge fan of theirs. They said they'd sign anything he wanted them to. They went to break a short time later.
Mammary Lane - Flies On Gary's Naked Ass From September 3, 1991. 08/24/09. 6:45am
Next up was Jason Kaplan introducing a segment where Gary talked about flies flying around his ass at a nude beach. This took place on September 3, 1991.
In this clip Gary was talking about going to a beach in Gayhead. It was a nude beach and Gary said that he was taking some pictures there and there were a few people who would have been happy to pose for pictures naked. Howard asked if the kids were naked there too. Gary said that they weren't but there were plenty of people who did get naked.
Gary said he got naked for about a minute there. He said that his girlfriend was there with him too. He had a picture of her there and Howard said she's really tight. Gary said that she was his age. Howard said she's in good shape. She was making a face in the picture and that's what Gary was showing to Howard. Howard said she looked like she was doing an impression of Gary in that picture.
Howard said that she doing something in one picture and in the next one a gay guy came up to her and he didn't have any pants on. Gary said that she was making a face in the sand and the guy was standing there bottomless talking to her about what she was making.
Howard was going through some of the other pictures Gary had. There were some pictures of guys covered in clay and looking really strange.
Gary told Howard he got naked for like a minute. Howard said Gary has a big penis so he doesn't have a problem doing that. Gary said the reality of a nude beach isn't what you'd think it is. He said it's a lot of old ladies naked.
Gary said he was going to work into getting naked slowly. He said he took his bottoms off and laid on his stomach. He said he was reading a book and this fly landed on his butt. He said that the thing went right in it and that's when he decided to put his pants back on. Howard and Robin got a laugh out of that. Gary said he was naked for like 90 seconds before the fly landed there. Howard told him that he should have wiped better.
Howard was making it sound like there were a bunch of flies on his ass but Gary said it was just one fly. Howard was saying that there were like 35 flies on his ass but Gary told him it was just one and no one else was making that big of a deal out of it. Fred played some swarming bee sounds as they were talking about the fly thing.
Howard was talking about Gary going to some people about some stuff he was up to during his vacation. He told Gary not to reveal his plans even if he thinks that they should be the butt of his humor. Howard said Gary feels compelled to tell everyone what he's up to. He said he tells Gary to do some stuff and he delegates it to other people no matter what it is.
Howard said he had to yell at a few people during his vacation including Dan Forman and Andy Bloom. Howard said Gary was busy telling everyone what his Rolodex plans were. He said he just wanted a copy made but Gary had to tell everyone what it was for. Howard said he wanted it copied so he could have all of the information that Gary had just in case Gary leaves. They went over that for a few more minutes before they had to go to break.
Guess Who Has Vaginosis Game. 3/30/99. 8:45am
Howard had 4 women come in to play this game where the guys would sniff the women to guess who has the horrible feminine stink called Vaginosis. One of the women actually has the problem, the other three didn't. Ronnie the limo driver was invited to be one of the judges. The other judges were Howard, Fred and Jackie. All four women came in and introduced themselves. There was Diamond, Mickey, Alexa and Keri. Each one quickly said how they found out they had vaginosis. Diamond said she smelled it herself. Mickey also said she smelled it herself. Both Alexa and Keri said that their boyfriends had told them they stink. Howard had each guy head over and sniff each woman and keep their guess quiet until everyone had sniffed. They all agreed that it was Keri who had the vaginosis. It turned out they were correct. They may have been misled because the other three women had perfumed themselves before coming in. Keri was the only one who didn't. Ronnie said he could smell something but it was more of a ''B.O.(body odor) type of smell.'' Howard said he just guessed her because she wasn't perfumed. Two of the women turned out to be strippers from New Jersey and one was a hair stylist from Long Island. Gary came in with some research and gave the following reasons for the causes of vaginosis.
KC's Disturbing First Grade Essay. 4/22/99. 7:45am
Everyone seems to know that associate producer KC is a little odd. This morning he brought in an essay he wrote when he was in first grade. He brought it in because it led to him getting sent to the school psychologist for years. Howard read it on the air and it was really bizarre. It was titled ''A Tall Tale You Won't Believe'' and it started off with KC writing ''..there were 3 people, Kyle, Casey and Armstrong..'' That's KC's real full name. He then went on to write about eating a mouse, fishing in a pool using a monkey with mustard on it as bait and pulling the skin off of it when he pulled on the fishing rod too hard. Then there was something about a stingray turning in to an Indian and he ended up cutting the Indian up and vacuuming up the pieces. Then he wrote about going over to Kyle's house and he had 5 million cigarettes in his mouth and he ends up killing him. He also mentioned something about someone being drunk in the essay. This was all from a 6 year old! There were also some unhappy looking stick figures drawn all over the paper. Shortly after reading the thing a Psychologist called in and said it was very disturbing. One caller suggested that Howard fire all three of them.. ''Kyle, Casey and Armstrong.'' Another quick note about KC... He's really into the same music that the Colorado Trench Coat Mafia kids were in to.. Ramstein. Howard was playing clips of Ramstein all morning and KC was loving every second of it.
Battle Of The Bands. 6/25/02. 7:55am
Corey Feldman came in to do the Battle of the Bands against Howard and The Losers this morning. Corey wasn't too happy with the way things were set up though. He said there wasn't going to be a competition today. He had a couple of reasons including the fact that the judges were guests on the show so they'd never go against Howard. Howard explained to Corey that Gary called the judges and told them that they were to judge them as if they were unknowns who were just performing for them for the first time. Howard introduced the judges which included Brian Koppleman, Matt Pinfield and Jerry Blair. All three of them have record industry backgrounds and know music. Howard proved to Corey that they were worthy of judging them. He spoke to each one of them for a short time and then convinced Corey to perform. Corey said that he didn't have the chance to do a sound check so that was another reason he didn't want to perform. Howard said he'd get that sound check though.
A few Scores girls showed up to promote some web site (GotchaGirls.com) this morning so Howard had then dance during his performance. The Losers did their thing and it sounded as good as it did earlier in the morning. Howard told Corey that he knows they suck but he still thinks they're better than his band. Howard didn't get the judges opinion until after Corey's performance. Howard had to take a break first so Corey and his band could set up and do their sound check.
After the break Corey's 8 member band was ready to perform. Corey's fiancee Susie was also there for him. Howard said that he hopes that Corey will retire from performing if he loses to The Losers. Corey said that will never happen. He said even if he never releases another album he'd still continue to write music. They went ahead and performed the title track to their forthcoming album ''Former Child Actor.'' The album comes out August 6th. The band did their thing and when they were done the judges were ready to give their final judgment. Howard first had to ask if they were awake. He didn't pick up any phone calls because he didn't want to spoil the judges thoughts.
First up was Jerry Blair. Jerry asked if they could replace the lead vocalists in the bands. He was joking. He said he liked Corey's song, except for the lyrics. He went with The Losers. Up next was Matt Pinfield who said that both bands sucked but if he had to pick one of them, he'd have to go with The Losers. He said Howard and The Losers have the right vibe on stage. Matt said that Corey's band was tight but the lyrics weren't that great. He told Corey that he needs more focus in the lyrics. Finally, Brian said that he was sorry to Corey. He also had to go with The Losers. He said that usually a band would get extra credit for doing an original song but not when it's that bad.
Corey and his girlfriend weren't surprised that they lost to Howard on The Howard Stern Show. They knew it was going to happen even though Howard says that the judges are just being honest. Corey and Susie talked about how many people come to see them when they perform at clubs around the country.
Howard said that he hopes that Corey will give up on his singing career. Corey said that's just not going to happen. Howard congratulated himself for a few minutes before wrapping up the segment. He wished Corey luck with his film career and his music career.
Robin asked Corey why he's mad at Michael Jackson but he wasn't talking about it. Howard said Corey spoke to him during the commercial break about that but he's not divulging what they talked about.
Howard gave all of the guys plugs for their various stuff. Brian has a new movie coming out called ''Knock Around Guys'' coming out soon. Matt hosts The Buzz on K-Rock in New York, Sunday nights at 10pm. Jerry has a web site at LatinAlternative.com for the bands he promotes. You can also find out more about Corey Feldman and where he'll be appearing by visiting his web site CoreyFeldman.com. The GotchaGirls.com girls described the site as being like ''hot chicks doing 'Jackass' like stunts.''
Post Battle Discussions. 6/25/02. 8:50am
Howard said they barely squeaked that one out against Corey's band. Gary said Jerry Blair really didn't know which way to go on this thing. They all thought both bands sucked though.
Something happened in the middle of the song and it threw everyone off. Howard thought Fred played one of his things too long but Fred said that's not true. They weren't quite sure what it was.
Howard asked Robin what she thought of Howard's moves in this performance. She didn't think it was all that great.
Gary said he thinks that The Losers are starting to take themselves too seriously now. Howard said they're really not though. The E! guys replayed some of the video from the performance and Howard said they're going to have to reedit it. He said the dead on shots of him are horrible.
Howard let the guys perform their odd act in the studio. The guys did some moves and jumps to some old rap song and then did some karaoke to ''Old Time Rock and Roll.'' Howard and the guys got some laughs out of the act. While they were performing Howard said that they looked like Jackie Martling.
Howard asked the guys if they've ever gotten laid. Of course they haven't which didn't surprise anyone.
If you want to book The Groundhog Brothers you can contact them by calling 1-610-375-2045. The guys said they have some bills to pay and they need some gigs to help pay for them. Howard took a couple of phone calls for the guys. One caller asked if they have a web site to check out. They don't have one but they said they could get one. Howard suggested that they talk to Doug Goodstein from E! about something like that because he used to manage Hank the Dwarf. The guys did a little bit more of their act as Howard wrapped up the interview with them.
Fifty five year old General Manager Tom Chiusano came in to talk to Howard about something but Howard ended up talking to him about how much he gets laid. He wanted to know how often Tom is banging his wife. Tom said he's still pretty active and he might be getting it two times a week. Howard said that was pretty good for a 55 year old guy. Howard also asked him if he ever pleasures himself. Tom said he doesn't do that anymore. He said he just decided to stop but he didn't really have a reason for it. He religion might have had a little bit to do with giving it up but it wasn't the main reason. Howard said this just proves that Tom really is the most boring guy he knows.
Tom has a problem with the way KC washes his hands in the bathroom. He said that KC turns the water on full blast, soaps up his hands, rinses them and then gets a towel to dry his hands. Then he turns off the water with the towel. So Tom thinks that the water is running too long. KC said that the spigots are dirty before he washes his hands so he's not going to touch them after he washes. Tom just wants the water to be turned off sooner because there is a drought in the New York area.
KC said that Tom sings when he's going to the bathroom and he heard him singing ''Lightning Crashes'' one day while he was taking a dump. Howard wanted Tom to sing for him but he refused.
Gary had his weekly tabloid stories to talk about this morning. He goes through the tabloid magazines and picks out a few stories to talk about on the air. He mentioned a quick story about ''Grandpa'' Al Lewis who is 92 and claims that he still has sex and doesn't need Viagra to get it up. He also brought up Tawny Kitaen and how wacky she's gotten lately. The article had quotes from Tawny's nanny and some disturbing information about how she may be suicidal. Howard said Tawny used to be the hottest chick that he would have died for. Now she looks like Linda Blair in ''The Exorcist.''
Gary also read that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt want to have a child but they have to give up their pot smoking. According to the article Jennifer has given up the pot smoking but Brad has only agreed to not smoke inside the house.
Gary also talked about some of the things that rock stars demand when they're on tour. He went through a couple of groups and singers who have odd demands. Howard took a few phone calls and killed some more time talking about a bunch of other things too.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:10am.
Jon asked if he was worried about what she was going to say. JD said yeah but then no. He said there is always a worry in him about what's going to happen. He said she was very lovely and very nice though. He said he thought she would say nice things.
Jon said JD has changed so much. He said he's a different guy than he was when this went down. He asked if he thought his path would go where its gone. JD said before the show he wasn't the biggest ladies guy. He said with this fame he has he has more people knowing who he is and being interested in him. He said he's still trying to wrap his head around it.
Benjy asked JD how old he was at the time. JD said that was the last show at K-Rock so he was almost 26. Benjy asked if he was waiting and if he was waiting to lose it. He asked if there were psychological aspects to it. JD said it was sort of both. He said in high school he didn't have a girlfriend at all. He said he had one for a month at one point. Benjy asked how far he had gone before that. JD said he had felt boobs. He said he did that at the Virgin Megastore in Florida. JD said he was going out with the girl. He said he had some touches at a strip club too. He said that's about as far as he had gone.
Scott said his head would have exploded if he waited until that age. Jon asked how old he was when he lost his. Scott said he was 18. He said he had done touchy feely stuff before that. Scott said by the time he was 25 he had done the stuff he has talked about before. He said he was already married by then. Scott said he had done a lot by 25. Jon said that's a wild side Scott had. He said when he hears JD and what he's going through now does it remind him of his past. Scott said he doesn't know what JD has done. He said he thinks he was kind of crazy. He said Ronnie probably wins though. Scott said he thinks Ronnie is holding back a lot. JD said he may be holding stuff back for legal reasons.
Jon said Ronnie hasn't given up. He said he's got stories going from his teens to his 60s. He said Scott seemed to put the brakes on things after he got married. Scott said he did. Jon asked Benjy if he thinks of Scott as that swinging guy. Benjy said it doesn't seem that crazy but it is kind of funny. Scott said he wasn't doing that stuff every weekend.
Benjy said he didn't know what a key party was. He said he didn't learn about it until later on. Benjy asked Scott about going to these parties. Scott said it was never planned. Benjy asked if they ever exchanged the keys. Scott said it wasn't like that. Scott kept saying that this wasn't a party. He said they were just hanging out with another couple and things would lead to other things. Scott said they'd go out to a movie and then go back and hang out and have a good time. He said they'd smoke a bowl or two or three and then things would happen. He said nothing was planned.
Jon asked how the move is made. Scott said he can't remember. He said it was never discussed though. He was going to get into it but Jon said they had to take a break first.
Jon asked Scott how that move gets made to get someone else to sleep with him. Scott said they were just so messed up that it would just happen. He said that it wasn't a bunch of other couples either. He said it was one couple. JD asked if it was just one other couple. Scott said it was never more than that. JD asked if it was ever more than one couple. Scott said he's not going to say.
Jon asked if Scott wanted to get it going again and do it the next night. Scott said they did it once and they were fine with it and it was good. He said they didn't rush back into it again.
Benjy asked how old he was at the time. Scott said he was in his mid-20s. Scott said it was in the mid to late 70s. He said he's not saying that was when he was in his first marriage either. He said it had nothing to do with her. Scott said whoever he was in a relationship with didn't get affected by this whole thing.
Benjy said when he got into his relationship with Elisa he was really a pig. He said there is a sadness to that. He said he's sorry he pushed for that. He said he likes the commitment thing. He said he used to think that Priests were freaks to vow never to have sex. He said he used to think that about married couples too. He said there is something very special about a committed relationship. He said now he sees it as a higher kind of thing. Jon said he gets that. He said his wife is it for him. He said that other women are attractive but ultimately it comes back to his wife. He said he hopes she feels the same way about him. Jon said he's not sure if he's whipped or what but that's the way he feels.
Jon said they his wife was out one night at a Rosh Hashana service and he went to kiss his wife and he ended up kissing the wrong girl. Jon said this was in a place that was serving as a temple. Benjy asked if they were married. Jon said they were not. He said he will never forget this either. He said it was a short woman with brown hair and he thought it was her. He said it turned out it was an acquaintance of his wife. He said that his wife knew it was an honest mistake. He said that the other woman smiled so she was fine with it. Jon said he remembers how awkward he felt but that's nothing like what Scott did.
Scott said that when your partner is with someone else and you're with someone else it's very odd. He said you have to have blinders on and concentrate on the task at hand. Jon said he'd like to know who went first. Scott said he can't tell. Jon said he doesn't seem to regret it. He said if he's comfortable with it then there's no judgment there. Scott said he thinks it only happened like twice. He said they never really talked about it either. He said afterward they didn't even talk about it. Jon asked how you can't address it. Scott said that's what he means, it's just odd.
Jon asked Scott about spilling the cereal on his board. Scott said he had equipment in his studio and he had a bowl of cereal there. He said it ended up getting knocked by his elbow and he spilled some on the board. He said that he told them about it and he didn't try to hide it. Scott said he would never try to hide it. Scott said someone spilled an energy drink on a console while they were on the air and that was a nightmare. Scott said he is very aware of that now. He said he tells people to cover their drinks or whatever around the equipment.
Jon said the memo wasn't directed at Scott but it was directed at him. Scott said that was just to make sure everyone knew to make sure to pay attention to what they're doing.
Benjy asked if it was a huge deal on the air. Scott said it was. He said Howard can take something little and turn it into something huge. Jon said they have to take a break but he wants to talk more about that. They went to break after that.
Jon said that was The Losers then but now Howard plays guitar a little bit. He asked if it would be different music playing if Howard went back to something like this. Scott said Howard would take it even more seriously. He said there was no fucking around back then. He said Howard was very serious back then. He said they would stick around for hours rehearsing to make sure they got it right. Benjy said that Artie got kicked out of the band and he may not have been taking it seriously enough. Scott said Howard was pushing them all to make sure they knew. He said they had a scratch track they were rehearsing to and he practiced it like 50 times over a weekend and he still got kicked out. He said he was working his ass off on that and trying to do the best he could.
Benjy said he thought it was wrong they kicked Scott out. Scott said he was in the band for a few years before that. Then they had someone else come in who was better than him. JD said he thought Richard came in. The guys said this was before that.
Jon said it seems like Scott was treated like a place holder. He said they did that until they found someone better and that is sort of unfair. Benjy said it was also kind of the joke about how they kicked the guy who the band was named after out of the band.
Scott said he has done really good performances before. He said just listen to him playing with James Brown. Jon said he listens for Gary when he's listening to that.
Benjy asked if Scott gets sad about it now. Scott said he was in shock. He said the sadness didn't set in until a few days later. Jon asked who let him know he was out. Scott said he didn't know.
Jon said that he was there for the Groundhog Brothers. Jon asked how he would describe them. Scott said he has no idea. He said he's not sure if they were mentally challenged or what. He said he can't say what it was. Benjy said there were people in Pennsylvania who came on the show and they were kind of weird. He said the conjoined twins were from there too. He said he's not sure what was up with them and where they went. Jon said he doesn't know about that. Jon said they were going to wrap up after that. They were done around 10:50am.
Corbin Bernsen Interview. 11/09/1993. 8:10am
Next up was a segment where Corbin Bernsen was interviewed by Howard on November 9, 1993. This was not in my archives so here's a quick synopsis of the interview.
Actor Corbin Bernsen came in to talk to Howard about what he's been up to. He talked about the movie he's filming and that led to the guys talking to him about his wife Amanda Pays. Howard talked to Corbin about what a ''hunk'' he was when he was on L.A. Law. He said he stopped watching the show himself. He said that he can't stand to watch lawyers because he has so many of them on his own payroll. He said he started getting crazy when he thought about some of these lawsuits that come up because of shows like L.A. Law.
Howard got back to Amanda Pays and talked about how hot she is. He said that if he was with her, he'd have 5 kids by now. He asked Corbin about how he met her so Corbin went into a story about how that all happened. He said that he has a theory about guys and their ''seed dispersal'' around the world. He said that's why he doesn't get monogamy. Howard said that he gets that and he knows exactly what he means.
Corbin and Howard talked about this need to get around with women. He said that he doesn't cheat on his wife but he does have that urge to be with other women. He said it's natural though. He does look at other women and will flirt with them but that's about it. Howard told Corbin that he does some spanking and stuff on his show to at least get to touch other women.
Corbin talked about going on vacation one time and walking into a hotel one time and seeing this really hot woman there. He said he ended up hooking up with her that night and ended up sleeping on the balcony with her. He said that was just two weeks after he'd gotten married. He said he was hanging out with her for a few days and then he had to go back home. He said that he knew he couldn't go home to face his wife. He said he kept looking at the airplane because he had such a guilty conscience. He said he still can't look at American Airlines without feeling guilty.
Corbin said he didn't tell his wife about that affair the whole time they were married. Corbin said that his wife drove by him one day after they got divorced and she found out about it after they were already divorced. He said he had to tell her about it the day she stopped him and he admitted to it. He said that was just a couple of months ago and 8 years after he had cheated. He said that she cheated on him too so he's not sure why she was so upset about what he did.
After an edited out break they came back and talked about some more stuff with Corbin. Howard kept saying his last name wrong so Robin corrected him on that. That led to Howard goofing on Gary about that because he didn't have the correct name from Gary. Gary had his name down as ''Arnie Becker'' which is his name on L.A. Law. Gary came in and told Howard that he had given Jackie the note with his name on it when he came in earlier. Howard said that didn't happen and he never got the note. He said he should have had it right the first time, not the second time.
Howard let Gary go after Corbin started to fake some snores. He then went on to ask Corbin if he had banged any black chicks. He said he has had some but the story was pretty sick. He said that it was actually a hooker that he didn't have to pay for. He said that it was actually a friend of someone's but he didn't want to get into it. After a little coaxing Corbin said that he was offered the chance to be with this woman and he did have sex with her. He said that they did every possible thing that a person can do and then told his friend about it. That's when he found out that his friend had just been with her 5 minutes before he was. Howard asked him how she tasted after that. He said that it kind of bonded him with his friend for a while after that.
Howard said that Corbin was asking him about the cover of his book and how he got into shape. Howard said he worked out and shaved down his chest to look the way he did on the cover. He told Corbin about the trimmer he has to cut the hair.
Corbin told Howard he looks good on that cover but it looks like he shaved down his legs too. Howard denied it at first but then admitted he had.
Howard asked Corbin about the movie that he's working on, Major League 2, and how Wesley Snipes wasn't going to be returning to play his part. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about Wesley and how he might be getting a big head these days.
Howard got back to Corbin's wife and asked some questions about her. They spent a few minutes talking about her beauty again. Howard said he can't imagine what that must be like to have someone like that. He asked if she's incredible in bed. Corbin said that he's been with her for 5 years and the sex is still great. He said that they're going through a new phase at this point and things are going really good. He said that they really love going to hotels and stuff and doing it there.
Howard asked Corbin about meeting Amanda for the first time and how that went down. Corbin said that she told him that she didn't know who he was and didn't watch L.A. Law at the time and she's stuck to that story all this time. He said that he had the choice of a bunch of Playboy bunnies that night but he could only think about Amanda.
Corbin said that he went to work one day and saw Amanda on the set of Max Headroom and that's when he tried working his magic with her. She was dating Michael Keaton at the time and it was a year of pain trying to make that happen.
Howard told Corbin he wanted to smell his fingers after they talked about these stories about women. He said he was just kidding though.
Corbin told Howard that he had one thing to say about his book. He brought up the wiping techniques he mentioned in the book and how he thinks that you should change the paper after a couple of wipes. Howard told him he changes after each wipe. Corbin told him that he's got to think about the trees they're killing.
Corbin told Howard about how Amanda was supposed to blow off Michael Keaton this one night and she ended up getting it on with him on the bathroom counter at some party they were at. He said that was kind of tough for him to find out.
Corbin told Howard he was going to save some stories for the next time he's in. He didn't want to blow them all in this one visit. Howard was going to wrap up with him after that but Corbin ended up telling him about what a great woman Amanda really is and how much he respects her. Howard said that he thinks that he'll eventually divorce her but Corbin said he thinks she's going to be good looking, even when she's 60 years old. Howard gave him 6 more years before he gets divorced. Then he brought it down to 2 years after thinking about it. He wrapped up with him a short time later.
After an edited out break Howard spent a little more time talking about what a great interview that was. He said you never know how good a guest is going to be. He said he forgot to ask him about doing the Chevy Chase show one time. He wanted to know what that was like.
Gary came in and told Howard that Corbin was still there so they could have him back in to talk about that. Gary said Corbin was working on some stuff for them and he could ask him about that as soon as he was done. A minute later Corbin came back in.
Corbin came in and talked about what had gone on with that show and how he was asked to do it after someone else had dropped out. He said he had an idea to go on wearing a cap with a video camera in it so people could see what really goes on. He said that he actually started to make a tape the night before and laid out what he was going to do on Chevy's show. He said that he went through that whole thing that night and Chevy kind of gave him the snoring thing and let the bit die.
Corbin said that he was going to go back on a week later and show the edited tape but he decided against it and then the show got canceled anyway so it was no big deal. Howard said that Chevy is just a dick and that's it. Corbin said he's really not a dick. He had to run after that.
Chigger Bites? 05/21/04. 6:00am
Howard said he got a million e-mails about their bug bites that they talked about during the show yesterday. He isn't going to worry about his and Robin said hers is starting to go away. Howard put some stuff on his trying to dry it out as did Robin. The e-mail said that it could have been anything from chiggers to who knows what. They got a call from the Hard Rock people who told them that it was chiggers and they'd get it from the sand out there. They suggested putting nail polish remover on the bites and it would suffocate the chiggers and get them out of there. Howard thought he was nuts and the guy who told him that has to be insane. He wanted Gary to get him on the phone so he could ask him about that.
Howard said everyone who went out there to Las Vegas got those bites... except Fred who didn't go outside. Artie didn't get any either. Gary came in and said they looked it up on the web and found that you can put fingernail polish remover or polish on the bite to make it stop itching. Howard and Robin both said they don't itch though.
Howard took a call from a guy who claimed that chiggers lay eggs in there and they hatch and crawl out of you. A woman caller said that you put clear nail polish on the bites to stop the itching. She wasn't sure if they live in the bites or not though. Howard doesn't have time to go to the doctor so he just wants to forget about the whole thing. He wants to know what to do because that doctor he had on the show late yesterday didn't help at all.
Cabbie called in and said that the chiggers do dig into your skin and live in there. He said that if you put a dab of super glue on the spot it suffocates them. Gary came back in and said that he read that chiggers do not live in your skin, they just bite you and drop off. Dominic Barbara called in and said that he went to a pharmacist who told him to put some Witch Hazel on his bites and they're almost gone already. Howard told Gary to go get him some Witch Hazel so he could get rid of his.
Kenneth Keith Wants Back On The Show. 05/21/04. 6:15am
Howard mentioned this guy Kenneth Keith Kallenbach who used to be on the show back in the Channel 9 TV show days. Howard said Kenneth calls in just about every day now asking why he can't get on the show. He's like a chick you can't break up with and won't leave them alone. Howard said they don't have anything for him to do and if they ever thought of anything, they'd give him a call. He said they feel bad because they'd like to have something for him to do. Kenneth left a voice mail asking why he wasn't invited to Las Vegas with everyone else. Kenneth seems to think that the show is all about retards and strippers now. Howard says he knows that Kenneth is there and since the radio show isn't visual, it's hard to make that work on radio. He likes him but he can't just put him on because he likes him. Artie said Kenneth trying to blow smoke out of his eye was classic.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him to just cut off his finger to get rid of that bite he has on it. He went on to talk about how Gary got a call from Kevin Bacon who wanted to voice his support for them in this FCC thing. He seemed to think that was a very nice thing to say. Steve Martin also called Howard and told him that his friend Eric Idol wrote a song called ''F*** the FCC'' but they can't play it on the radio show. He said he put it up on his web site HowardStern.com instead. He said that's where he'll have to put all of the funny stuff from now on. The web site will be built up over the coming weeks and months according to Howard. He had a meeting about it after the show yesterday and they have big plans for it. They spent a couple of minutes talking about some of the stuff that's up there now including pictures of Artie that sound pretty funny.
Howard's Parent's Daily Routine. 03/31/10. 6:45am
Howard took a call from a guy who said that those guys earlier don't realize that Howard and Beth are best friends. That's something they will never have with a woman.
The caller also asked Howard if he would do The Prices is Right if he was asked to do it. Howard said it would be tough for him to do that show. He said that he would like to do a game show that had an edge to it. He said he would probably do it though. He said he thinks he'd like to do a show like that.
Robin said that Drew Carey has taken that show over and it's his show now. Howard said that's what his parents say too. He did an impression of his father talking about Drew and how the audience loves him. Howard said his father told him that Bob Barker would run behind the curtain and hide if women ran up to him. Howard said his father thinks that Drew was a football player too.
Howard said you know you're getting old when you think that game show hosts are your friends. He said that's what his parents are like. Howard said his mother likes Drew too.
Robin asked what else they watch in the morning. Howard said his father goes to the track a lot so he's not sure. He said he can't figure out their schedule.
Howard was telling Robin what his parents by going into their voices. He was telling Robin about how his father will ride a stationary bike and how they'll eat their breakfast and things like that. His mother has a schedule that she sticks to every morning. Howard was describing the foods they eat and things like that.
Howard told Robin about his father keeping track of what he eats so he can rotate through different things. He won't change his regimen on that stuff. He said that even if he's in the mood for something different he won't change. Howard said that's beyond crazy. Howard said he eats a couple of different cereals and he will have whatever he's in the mood for. Howard said his father sticks to the routine.
Howard said he was never able to talk to his parents about anything real. He would go through their drawers and he found that his father had a gross of condoms in his drawer. He said they must have been very sexual if that's the case. He said that it would go down too so they must have been doing it. Howard said he doesn't know who buys condoms by the gross.
Howard did his mother's voice again and talked about how they must watch The Price is Right together around 11. They go to lunch at the Yogurt shop every day so they must go after that. Howard said his father complains about the coffee there. He gets frozen yogurt there and has blueberries and bananas on top of that. Howard was in his father's voice talking about where the best blueberries come from. He said they come from Chile.
Howard said his father goes to the track and people recognize him there. Howard said his dad isn't a friend kind of guy. Howard said his father thinks that most people are morons and don't talk about anything. He said that he can't tolerate any kind of nonsense. He said he had a friend who would tell jokes all the time and he hated that.
Howard said his parents have so many rules. He said he would shake thinking about them all. He said he would shake like that kid Waldo in the Van Halen video for ''Hot for Teacher.'' Howard said he's not sure how they fit in that Price is Right thing in their routine. He said he wants them both to live forever because they're so attached. He said that his mother has said she doesn't know what she would do without him. Howard said he doesn't know what he'd do either because he'd be stuck with his mother. Howard said she may end up going to the old age home.
Howard said he's banking on Robin taking care of his mother. He said that he'll send her there because she's such a do gooder. Howard said he may hire the guy who played his father in ''Private Parts'' to live with his mother if his father dies.
Howard said he would have to provide for his parents since they did that for him. Howard said he didn't ask to be there though. George said that they're very glad he is there. George liked that conversation they just had. Howard said that his mother's voice is in his head 99 percent of the time so it comes right out. George said it's very rich and it comes right out. Howard said it goes away when he plays chess. Howard said he has to shush the voices in his head when he plays chess.
George asked Howard how he got into chess. Howard said he learned as a kid but then a few years ago he played a game against this guy Isaac who worked there and Isaac beat him. He said that he had learned in a class in school so he figured he could learn. Howard said he went on this web site where this guy Dan Heissman teaches chess. He said the guy taught him over the phone. He said he got the lesson and he liked it. Howard said he didn't know how involved it was. He said it would take you a lifetime to begin to understand it.
Howard said the internet is fabulous because you can go out there and find out about this stuff. Howard said this guy Dan is a really nice guy too. Howard said he learned more about chess and started to play more. Howard said that the brain likes this game because it enriches it. It's like working out your mind.
George said this says a lot about Howard. He said that it shows that he's intelligent and he enjoys the battle that goes on in the game. Howard said he plays on the internet on the ICC. He said he goes on and plays there and there are people who cheat so there are assholes out there. Howard said you can tell when someone cheats though.
George asked Howard if he has ever thought about teaching his parents chess. Howard said he can't do that. Howard said that you will never see a chess player with Alzheimers. Robin said that's not true. Howard and George both agreed that it is true. They said that you can't play if you have Alzheimers because you're constantly using your mind.
Howard kept telling Robin that George was on Star Trek so she should listen to what he has to say. Robin thought that he was an Admiral on the show but George said he was only a captain. They kept him there. It was Bill Shatner who became Admiral. That led to George telling some more stories about Bill and the wacky stuff he used to do on the set. He said that one time Bill and Leonard had a stand off where they refused to work until they got what they wanted. George said that they had suits going back and forth between the two of them. They were working things out between them and it took hours.
George said that it turns out that Bill had in his contract that he had approval of what photographer was on the set. He said that guy didn't have anything to do with Bill but Bill didn't want him there.
Howard said he can't imagine that. He said that they had this new series going and Bill had approval in his contract in the first season. Howard said you can't blame Leonard for that though. He probably didn't have any idea what was going on. George said that he didn't and Leonard stuck his ground with that too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it's very comical when he talks about his mom and dad. He said that he must rewind that stuff in his head like the Zapruder film and he loves it. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
The World's Most Talented Man? 2/28/00. 9:10am
This guy Johnny ''Mud'' Mudman claims to be the most talented man in the world. He came in prepared to do just about anything from singing to ready poetry and bouncing a basketball. Howard decided to have Fred compete against the ''Mud Man'' to see who was more talented. Howard had Johnny sing an original song first. He picked up Fred's guitar and sang some horrible song that he made up about a woman. Fred then took the guitar and sang one if his songs. Howard said that the contest was pretty close at that point. Johnny went on to do one of his characters who was a gay chiropractor. Howard ended that pretty quick and Johnny started to see that this wasn't going anywhere. Howard then had Johnny and Fred do different characters to compare them. They each did their best black voice and German voice. Fred was a little better in both. Then Johnny bounced a basketball saying he'd take anyone on in a game. Howard then saw that Johnny claims that he's good at improv. Howard gave him a scene to do. He told Johnny that he's a guy who has just been diagnosed with AIDS. Johnny just said a couple of words and Howard moved on. Mud Man couldn't believe that he was being ''dogged so hard'' by everyone. He said he didn't imagine the appearance going like it was.
Howard took some phone calls for the guy and most of them just wanted the guy off the air. A couple of people wondered why they were being so hard on the guy and said he wasn't that bad. A couple of listeners offered him jobs. The jobs were for a gay escort service and a concession stand clerk but they were jobs! Mud Man claims that he actually had one of his plays produced down in Tampa and that he's written a few screenplays and scripts that he hopes to get produced.
At one point Stephen Baldwin called in to tell Howard to get this guy off the air. He and Mud Man argued for a couple of minutes and the Mud Man seemed to hold up pretty good. He basically told Stephen that he wouldn't have a career without his brother Alec being so popular. By this time Howard was getting tired of the whole thing so he brought it to an end. He said that he thinks Mud Man is funny but not talented.
More Anal For Film Festival Tickets. 04/17/06. 7:55am
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the show is better than ever since they moved to satellite. Howard said that it was horrible working at the old place because of the 22 minutes of commercials he was doing every hour back there. After the guy had kissed Howard's ass a little bit, he asked what he had to do to get tickets to the film festival. His wife was pregnant so Howard had the guy go ask her to let him give her anal. She said that she would let Howard name the baby. Artie told him that if they let Howard do that, it might end up being named something like...
Howard had the guy go at it with the wife. She was moaning and the husband claimed that he had finished in about 30 seconds. Howard didn't believe him and had him swear on the life of his next child that he had done it. He did that so Howard gave the guy tickets. He said that from now on they need people to come down to the studio to do their thing.
Phone Sex With Wendy The Retard. 04/17/06. 8:05am
Howard had Wendy the Retard on the phone to have some phone sex with him. He started to talk dirty to her but realized how that might be wrong. He wasn't sure if there were any rules about having phone sex with a retard. Wendy claimed that she was home all alone because her mother is out of town. She also claimed that she was running around the house totally nude and her cat was licking her ass. She also said that her cat's name is dick.
Howard said he had to let her go but Wendy asked him for some money because she needs a new monitor for her computer. Howard said that she's done this to him before and asked for stuff. He said that they're losing money on this whole thing with everyone asking for stuff.
Gary told Howard that Wendy left a message for them over the weekend when she was drunk so he had Howard play that. Wendy left the message and just cursed and babbled to Howard. Wendy told Howard she's been drinking a lot because she misses her dad. Artie thinks that he's a bad influence on her and she should stop listening to him. Howard played some more of the message where she was cursing and doing Artie's ''FI-AH'' thing. She told Howard how much she loves him and things like that in her message.
Howard told Wendy that she sounds like Ronnie the Limo Driver cursing the way she was. He played a couple more clips from the message and told her she was pretty wild. He asked her about the time that she shoved a tomato in her ass. She said she ate that tomato and it tasted just like a tomato to her. She said she wasn't paying attention and didn't know what she was doing at the time. Wendy said she's also put her finger in her ass. She told Howard he should try it because it's good.
Howard said he's smelled his finger after it's been near his ass but he's never put it in his mouth. Wendy said she's having a great time while her mother is away. He told her not to put any tomatoes up her ass while she's not there.
Artie asked her what she eats while her mother is away. She said that she gets 2 Pizza Hut pizzas with everything on them and cheese in the crust. She also said that she's up to 230 pounds right now. Artie laughed and told her she's got the life. She said she also eats McDonalds for dinner. She said she has 2 Big Macs, 3 orders of fries and 3 cokes... Then she has a salad for desert. Howard asked her if she looks at her doody after eating all of that. She said she overflowed the toilet just last night trying to flush one of her doodies down.
Wendy said she was going to save one of her doodies in a plastic bag but she wasn't even sure why she wanted to save it. Artie said it's because she's retarded. They also asked her if she ever sees her mother crying. Wendy said she does but she thinks it's because she misses her husband. Artie and Howard told her that wasn't the right answer and it's probably because her daughter wants to save her doody in a plastic bag.
Wendy said that she'll be eating her pizza around noon or whenever she's hungry. Artie said that when you have pizza with cheese in the crust, you know that this country just wants it's people to die. Howard asked Wendy to call them back when she has to go doody because he wants to hear that. She was telling him how red her face had gotten when she took her last dump and he wanted to hear that on the phone.
Robin said that she finds it hard to believe that she's home all alone. Howard replayed some of her voice mail message and then said that maybe her mother just left for good and she's not coming home.
Howard said that he had to take a break but he played an audio clip of Paris Hilton singing Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner. He said it would just piss people off hearing her singing it. He went to break right after playing the awful performance from Paris.
Various Stuff. 6/7/02. 6:05am
Howard went on to talk about going to L.A. for this wedding and how he doesn't mind going there. He said he doesn't mind going there and going out to dinner and stuff. He doesn't want to fly though. He said he may have to fly out there next week and he really doesn't want to take a commercial flight. Artie and Stuttering John are flying out there today to do a comedy show. John is bringing some Xanax with him just in case they need to calm themselves down on the flight. Howard said he takes Ambien when he flies so he can fall asleep. He said he was once woken up by a flight attendant after taking the pills and couldn't believe that she did that. He said even after taking more pills he wasn't able to fall asleep again. John told Howard that Xanax is great because it will knock you right out and you can fall asleep again, no problem.
All of the guys shared stories of flying too. Artie had one about John falling asleep while his hair dipped into his peanuts and drink. Howard told one about Gary falling asleep on a flight home and leaving Howard hanging while he slept. Howard said when he woke up Gary smacked his lips louder than you can imagine. Howard said he needed someone to talk to and Gary just fell asleep. Gary said he remembers falling asleep even before the flight took off. Howard said he tried to wake Gary up during the flight but nothing worked. Gary is ready to fly today with John and Artie. He said he was just about in pajamas today so he can sleep on the flight out.
Howard said that Gary is thrilled to fly because he gets to leave his sons ''Jackson and whatever the other one's name is... Luka...'' It's actually Lucas but Howard didn't seem to care.
Stuttering John brought up Howard's girlfriend and said he ordered something from her yesterday. Howard didn't want him to talk about it but John said that he got to see her in about 10 different bathing suits. Howard said that she's going to be in a swimsuit calendar and John is going to be giving a bunch of them away.
Gary and John were talking about some of the stuff they're doing out in L.A. John is holding one of his comedy shows at the House of Blues on Saturday night. Gary is making a couple of other appearances too. Howard heard that KC is banned from doing any of his child molestation material in the comedy show. It's actually in the contract that John has that KC can't do that stuff there.
Howard brought up the conversation they had earlier about Beth's calendar. He said that she's doing this calendar for a company that's selling them at BethO.com (link removed, do not visit). Howard said John wasn't actually with Beth like he said earlier, he was just ordering the calendars from the web site. John said that the first 500 are autographed and John managed to order number 475 so he's getting one autographed. He thought that was pretty funny. Howard said they didn't even announce the web site yet and they'd already sold almost 500 of them by the time John found it. Somehow the conversation turned to Ronnie the Limo driver and the NASCAR stuff he collects. The guys ended up goofing on him for a few minutes about that and how he's a ''Jew-Gene'' (A Jew who tries to come off like an Italian). Artie said he really thought Ronnie was part Italian. He said the way they spoke to each other made him think that he was Italian. Howard said that Ronnie really is Italian because he doesn't act like a Jew in any way. Stuttering John was goofing on Ronnie's ''NASCAR outfit'' that he wears sometimes. He said he wears a shirt with all of the sponsor stickers all over it. Ronnie defended himself saying that it's just a sweatshirt.
Howard got back to Ronnie being a ''Jew-Gene'' and how he really is Italian in the way he acts. He acts tough and talks in a way that makes him seem Italian. Gary said sometimes he gets asked what Ronnie is and when he tells people that he's Jewish it surprises the hell out of everyone. Howard said Ronnie even puts up Christmas decorations that blow away most Catholic homes.
Richard's Disgusting Arm Zit. 04/20/09. 7:50am
Howard said that Gary has some health things going on. He said that Richard has some stuff going on too. He said that Richard was out in Kansas and had written some notes about what went on out there. Howard found those notes and read about how they went to a Pizza Hut buffet out there. Howard said that Richard had a great time observing people there. He saw some women who were around 300 pounds and they were filling their plates with pizza and then covering it with ranch dressing.
Richard also read about another woman who would get about 7 slices of pizza and then put it on the table and run right back to get more before she started to eat. There were other people complaining about the buffet for having too much thin crust pizza. One woman was complaining about them not keeping up with them. Richard wrote that he's pretty sure that the women where there taking shits during the meal as well.
Howard said that Richard has this gaping wound on his elbow. It turns out it was a zit that he popped and it got infected or something and he had bugs landing on it and stuff. Richard said that he went out fishing in Kansas and a fly landed on it and may have laid eggs or something in it. Richard said he's been putting Neosporin on it. Howard said it has a big ring around it now so he might want to get that looked at. No one else had ever had a zit in that area. Richard said he had a zit on his penis once too.
Howard's Health Scare. 04/20/09. 7:55am
Howard said that he went out jogging this weekend and when he got back he had some issues with his balls. Howard said that one of the bumps on his balls looked like it might have an ingrown hair or something. Howard said that it was really aggravating so he figured he'd just rest and sleep it off. He said he got up the next morning and it was just a scab or something. He said that it was still killing him though.
Howard said that he looked at his balls and thought that he might have a splinter in there or something. He asked Beth to come and look at them and pull the splinter out. Howard said she did pull it out and it felt instantly better. It turns out it may have been a tick. Howard said that he has the thing in an envelope on a piece of tape. Howard said that he's afraid that it might be a deer tick.
Howard said he called his doctor and asked him what he thought. Howard said the little ones are the ones you have to be afraid of. Howard said that he's afraid that they pulled the body off and didn't take the head out. He said that the area doesn't have a ring or anything so hopefully he doesn't have Lyme's disease.
Howard said that he called his doctor and told him about the tick. The doctor told him that he could take some antibiotics without getting diagnosed. He said that he opted for that and didn't want to go and get tested. Howard said he got that all taken care of right away even though he doesn't like to take that kind of stuff.
Howard said that he's not even sure if it was a tick. He said that he really doesn't want to know if it was one or not.
Gary said that some places have a service where you can get them tested. Richard said that he's had 10 ticks on him at one time. That was when he was a kid.
Howard said that Beth never has anything bad happen to her so she never wants to go to the doctor. Howard said that he's too paranoid not to.
Gary's Health Scare. 04/20/09. 8:00am
Gary said that he went to the doctor and they found a little blood in his urine. He said that he went back and got tested a second time and they found more. He said that the doctor told him to get a CAT scan so he did that. Then he had to go back in to find out what was wrong. Gary said he went in and they found that he has a kidney stone stuck in his ureter. He said that it's actually blocking it. Gary said he has no pain right now but they told him that he has to get it removed or his kidney could fail without warning.
Gary said that they have to blast the stone with an ultrasound thing and if that doesn't work, they may have to go in through his penis and blast it out that way. Gary said they wanted to put a camera up there too.
Gary said that his doctor is a straight shooter and tells him exactly what's going on. He said that he told him that the stone he has is one of the biggest he's ever seen.
Gary said that the doctor told him that he has to cut back on taking Tums because that might be what caused the stone. He said that he eats maybe 8 or 10 a day because he has acid reflux. He said that he'll take one and maybe two just to keep it away. He said that the calcium in there is what makes it build up like that. Gary said he had to cut back on iced tea and things like that.
Gary said that he stopped drinking the tea like a year ago. Robin asked Gary what he's going to take for his heartburn now. Gary said he has pills for that now. He said it's probably from eating the shitty food that he's always eating.
Gary said that his wife gets upset that he won't eat vegetables at dinner. He said that he eats them once in a while but not all the time. He eats crap all the time.
Ronnie came in and said that Gary is a major rule breaker with the eating. He said that anything with caffeine in it is bad and he's always eating chocolate. Gary said that he will cut back on it but he's not going to stop. Ronnie said that he had to give up on stuff like that because he had a kidney stone.
Howard said that the fans are going to send in a lot of mail about ticks, flies landing on sores and Gary's kidney stone. Howard said that they don't need medical advice on any of that stuff. He had to take another break after that.
Gene Simmons And Shannon Tweed Visit. 08/01/06. 8:45am
After the break Howard said he was busy dicking around and didn't even have his headphones on when he came out of break. He said it's satellite so you can be a little unprepared. He said that Gene Simmons and his girlfriend Shannon Tweed were there to promote their new TV show. He said that they've both been on the show before but not together. The two of them came in a short time later.
Howard mentioned the new TV show which is called ''Gene Simmons Family Jewels'' and it airs next Monday on A&E. He asked Gene if it was true he was worth $250 million and asked why he would do something like this TV show if he's already got that kind of money. Shannon said that Gene used to be so private back when she first met him and now he's opening up and letting everyone in.
Howard said he would never let a camera into his house because he would need some privacy. Howard asked if they were impressed with Ozzy's show. The two of them said that Ozzy was great in that show. Gene told Howard that he has never been high or drunk in his life. Howard interrupted and said Shannon can't say the same thing though. She has been involved in a bunch of stuff. Howard told her that he used to beat off to her pictures years ago when she was in Playboy. He said he had a few women, Shannon, Barbara McNair and Stella Stevens that he would beat off to.
Howard asked Gene again why he's doing this TV show if he's worth $250 million. Gene said he's not that rich and he's not the owner of the KISS name. He and Paul Stanley are co-owners. He told Howard some details about what the band has been up to and how he was just at a KISS coffee house franchise. Howard asked Gene if Ace Frehley has been fired from the band or not. Gene said that Ace and Peter are out of the band and they're probably better off, and alive, because they are out now. Gene said that they can have anyone they want come into the band to replace them because they own the rights to the make-up.
Howard asked Gene if they're going to have a bunch more farewell tours. Gene said that's what a lot of bands do so they will have as many as they can. Howard wondered if Gene is friendly with Paul Stanley. Gene said he loves the guy and he is still friendly with him.
Howard asked Gene about dating Cher. Gene said he lived with her years ago and everyone gets along. He said that Shannon and Cher get along but Shannon said she's only met her twice so she's not sure that she gets along with her. She was saying that she actually had to write her a letter asking her to stop sending letters to Gene. Her son found the letter in the mail and she thought it was a bit inappropriate so she asked her stop. She was going off on her for still sending letters to Gene calling him ''puppy.''
Howard wondered if she's that lonely that she has to send him letters like that. Gene said that Cher is a wonderful woman and he didn't want them going off on her like this. Shannon has been with Hugh Hefner herself so Howard and Robin were asking her about that. She told the guys that Gene is better in bed because he participates in sex unlike Hef. She said she talks about all of that stuff in her book (''Kiss and Tell'').
Shannon told Howard that she saw many things at the Playboy mansion and one of the things Howard read was that guys may have been doing stuff to Hef in his bedroom. She said it was dark in the room at the time and she never saw anything. She used that excuse for a few things that Howard asked her about. He asked her some questions about who she banged but she told him to read the book.
Gene just wanted to plug his show. Howard didn't want to go there yet so he asked Shannon if she still thinks that Gene doesn't cheat on her. She said she believes that even though Howard said he has heard that Gene has gotten blow jobs from people while with Shannon. She said that Gene wouldn't sell any records if he didn't say stuff like that so that's why she thinks that goes on. Howard got back to the Cher discussion and asked Shannon what she wrote to her to make her stop from writing. She didn't say exactly what it was.
Howard asked if it was true that Ace Frehley called Diana Ross the N-word in front of Gene. Gene said that is true. Shannon dated OJ Simpson for a little while so Howard asked her about that as well. Gene and Shannon talked about the relationships they've had. Gene told Howard about how he dated Diana Ross for a while and ended up breaking it off once he started dating Shannon. He had broken up with Cher to go with Diana.
Howard had a woman on the phone who claimed that she had been sleeping with Gene for a long time. It was Wendy the Retard who answered yes to every question Howard asked. She said she has been a lover with him since the 1970s. Shannon said she's pretty sure that Gene doesn't have any children out there that they don't know about.
Howard asked Gene if they are secretly married. Shannon giggled and said she didn't want to say anything that would incriminate Gene. She said she is married to ''the show.'' Howard asked Gene if he would marry Shannon if she really wanted it. Gene said that he has always had agreements with his women before moving in with them so it's like a pre-nuptial without the marriage.
Howard asked Gene what kind of money he would have to give up if they split up. Shannon said that she thinks she wouldn't get anything because there is no common law in California. Gene said that he will fight like crazy to keep all of his money.
Richard Christy came in and said that he's been a huge KISS fan since he was about 4 years old. He wanted to know about Gene taking a porn star to the AVN awards. Gene said Shannon knew about that and she was fine with it. Howard wanted to know when he last got a blow job. Gene said he's not a big fan of blow jobs and he's more into the drilling for oil type of sex.
Howard gave Gene and Shannon a plug for their new TV show ''Gene Simmons Family Jewels.'' He asked them about their son who has been trying to get into rock and roll. Shannon said that he's actually an artist, he's just doing that for fun. Howard thought it would be nuts for him to get into a band. Howard told Gene that he loved his show ''Rock School'' that was on VH-1 a while back. Gene said one of the kids on the show just got a $900,000 recording contract.
Sal the Stockbroker came in because he was once kicked out of a concert after he did an Indian sound while they were on stage one night. Gene said that when they're on stage, they are the bosses so anyone in the crowd doing something like that gets booted out of the concert. Gene told Sal that he would be very popular in jail when he actually ends up there.
Sal explained how he did this thing to Gene to get himself booted out of the concert. He said Gene was doing this thing where he yells out as he's looking out into the crowd so Sal stuck his thumbs in his ears and made his Indian sound. Gene ended up flying up in the air so he wasn't able to tell someone to throw him out right away. Once he was lowered to the stage he ripped off his chains and stuff and ran back stage in those giant boots of his. He said he looked like a retarded Godzilla as he was running back. Then this guy comes running out to throw him out. The guy who threw him out said he would get fired if he didn't get him out of there so Sal said he would leave. Sal later heard that Gene would have no problem firing anyone on Christmas Eve if he was in a bad mood.
Howard asked Gene about Ace Frehley since he claims to have said some things that were pretty anti-Semitic. Gene said that he did say some anti-Semitic things to him over the years when he was wasted. Gene said alcohol and drugs bring out the 'real you' and that's probably what happened there. Sal asked Gene why he outed Ace in his book when he printed a picture of him kissing another man. Gene said that the picture was public knowledge so other people knew about it before it was printed.
Sal asked Gene if Paul Stanley has ever had a gay relationship. Gene said that he has never seen anything like that with Paul. He also asked Gene if he was wearing a wig and if he could tug on his hair. Gene said it is real hair and he could tug on it. Sal went over to him even after Howard told him not to, and yanked on his hair. He said it is apparently real.
Howard asked Gene about his relationship with Cher and if she was good at oral. Fred threw in a gagging porn sound effect as they discussed that and Shannon said she was about to gag just hearing that clip. Gene said that he's dead after talking about Cher on the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Gene financed Van Halen's demo tape and basically discovered them. Gene said that he did discover them at a club and they were about to sign with a yogurt company. He talked them out of it and had them come out to New York to record out there. That ended up being their first and second albums. Gene said he thought the band was going to be huge but other people didn't believe it and wouldn't back him up so he threw out the contract and told them to go for it. They went out and signed a contract within a few weeks.
Howard asked Gene about who he thinks are some of the greatest guitar players since they were discussing that yesterday. Howard also asked Gene if he thinks that he's a great bass player. Gene quickly said 'no' and admits that he's no that great.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy told Shannon that she's got some baloney tits these days. He was also saying that Gene gives Jews a bad name with all of the crap that he whores out with the KISS name on them. Howard had another guy ask Gene if he ever hit Cher in the ass and if it was hairy back there. Gene said he has anal sex with everybody and if you don't do that it's an insult. Shannon said she doesn't like that so she and Gene don't do it. Howard asked him if he will lick a woman's ass. He said ''Oh sure, why not...''
Howard wished the two of them luck with their new show. He also gave Shannon a plug for her book ''Kiss and Tell.'' Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to commercial break.
Eric The Midget May Fly With Balloons. 06/27/06. 9:30am
Howard had Eric the Midget on the phone to give him some big news. He said he still thinks that the balloon thing is going to happen but Eric said it won't. Howard said he got a note from this chick who looks kind of like Kelly Ripa who says that she's willing to be part of Eric's entourage when he comes on the show. Howard told Eric that she didn't say she would definitely have sex, but she will go out on a date with him and see what happens from there. Howard said he's going to send Eric the pictures of the chick and hook her up with him... if he flies with balloons.
Howard gave the pictures to Benjy to give Eric the word on her. Benjy is on Eric's good side. He told Eric that she's a very good looking girl so Howard asked Eric if they had his interest now. Eric said ''Maybe...'' Then he said that if they put that cartoon up on his Howard TV channel, then there's no way he's going to fly. Howard said he's putting the cartoon up there and he can't stop him.
Howard told Eric to check his e-mail while he was talking to him to find out what he thinks of this girl. Eric told him to hang on and he'd check. Howard said the woman isn't opposed to going out with someone who has a handicap so who knows what could happen.
Eric said he had to log on to AOL to check his mail. He got on and said that she is pretty good looking. Howard said the girl is willing to go out with him so he should go ahead and fly with balloons. Eric said he's still not willing to do it. He doesn't care that he's not going to meet this girl.
Howard was going to put the girl on the phone with Eric if he wanted to do that. Eric said he might be willing to do that. While they were waiting Eric was telling Howard that when he first agreed to do the flying it was low key, then it got blown out of proportion and they were talking about putting him in a Superman outfit and things like that. Howard said he doesn't have to wear that if he doesn't want to.
Gary said the other thing that Eric is afraid of is that he might not get into the Little People of America group. Howard said he doesn't need that group anyway. Howard did an impression of Eric and pretended to be another little person who was in the group.
Howard asked Gary what was going on with the girl. Gary said they couldn't get a hold of her. Howard told Eric they'd talk to him tomorrow. Gary told Howard they had a new Eric the Midget song parody. Howard played that one and it was to the tune of Sugar Ray's ''I Just Want to Fly.'' Eric said that Sugar Ray's version was better.
Gary interrupted and said they got the girl on the line right before Howard let him go. Howard told Eric to hold on while they get her ready to come on the air. Howard told Eric that it was tough to find a girl who didn't find him repulsive. Eric said he's not sure why Beth O doesn't find him repulsive.
Howard had this woman Valerie on the phone. He asked her to tell them about herself. She said that she's 27 , an ex-Hooters girl and she's in law school right now. She said she actually looks much better now than she did when those pictures were taken. She asked Eric if he was going to come hang out with her. He said that he would like to hang out with her but the flying with balloons thing is something he wouldn't want to do.
Howard asked Valerie if she would really go out with him. She said she would take him out dancing and party with him if he wants. She would treat him like a king and go on a real date with him. Valerie said she doesn't really have a boyfriend but she has been talking to a guy. She said anything is possible with Eric though and you never know if she'd be attracted to him.
Howard told Eric that he could be like David Blaine doing a stunt with his hot chick girlfriend standing by. Artie said something about him looking like an ''odd looking midget David Blaine'' which didn't go over too well with Eric. He said that's the kind of stuff that makes him not want to do this whole thing. Howard asked Valerie to send them some more pictures so they can see what she looks like today.
Valerie told Eric that bigger is not always better. She said that she takes care of a quadriplegic every day and has to wipe his ass for him. She said she can even lift him up and he weights 185 pounds. Howard asked if he could talk to the quad. She went over to him and held the phone up to him. He's on a ventilator so it sounded tough for him to speak. He was saying that she once blew out his urethra while inserting a tube in there though. He said she's hot and has talked about going out with Eric before.
Howard found out that Valerie actually pulls the doody out of his ass. She said she does that every other day for him. She pulls out the turds one at a time. She said she gets paid upwards of $30 an hour to do that job. Howard told her she's a saint and asked Eric what he thinks. He said it sounds interesting to him but he has to think about it. Howard thinks he's going to fly and he told him he knew that would happen.
Valerie said that he's got to fly when he knows he's got D-cups waiting for him when he lands. She was saying all the right things according to Howard. She was even saying that she might have some girls over once in a while for her man. She revealed that she's completely waxed down below and said she'd even come in and get waxed in the studio if they wanted to see that.
Howard asked Valerie if she's into anal. She said she's not into that and prefers to have it in her mouth or between her tits or in her vagine. Howard said ''Fuck Eric, I'm gonna fly.'' Valerie said she has a flat stomach and said she's not a fan of belly fat. Howard figured he was out then but she said on a man it's okay, just not on a woman.
Howard asked Eric where he was at because he should be pushing him out of the way to get to this chick. Eric didn't have much to say. Howard let Valerie go after that and said that Eric is very intimidated by girls. He told Eric that he'll never have a better offer than this. Eric still has a problem with the balloon thing. He said that he kept quiet because he's not that great of an interviewer and his radio show proved that. Howard told him he's got to have some kind of rap with the girls. He told him to call back tomorrow with his final decision.
Artie said that Eric seems to get depressed when he gets these great offers. Howard went into the ''I Just Want To Fly'' song parody again after letting Eric go. He said a lot of people are sick of Eric but he's pretty sure they'll get over that once he does the flying thing. He played the prank call that they had John Hunnerlach make to Eric the other day.
A phone caller said he couldn't believe that Eric wasn't ready to fly across the country on balloons to go out with that chick. Artie and Robin said that a lot of people want to see him fly. Howard is sure that they will get him to fly.
THoHS:A3 - Prank Calls To Baba Booey And Jerry Seinfeld. 12/21/09. 7:40am
In the clip we heard Howard playing more of the prank calls and the guys laughing their asses off as they were doing it. Next up was the Barbara Booey prank when Billy said his name was Barbara as he was doing a female voice. Gary got on the phone when he heard it was a Barbara on the line. He thought it was his cousin. Billy kept him going for a few seconds before telling him it was ''Barbara... Barbara Who? Barbara Booey.'' The guys were all laughing their asses off at that.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:10am.
Richard said it's not good to goof around with your boss. He said that stuff has slowed down a lot now. He said when they first got there Sal would set up confetti buckets to fall on Gary. Sal said he had a bucket set up with golf balls at first. He said Richard talked him out of that. He said he used to spray him with Silly String and once he had a remote controlled flying saucer that he flew behind Gary's head. He said Gary ended up smashing it to bits. He said it looked like a scene from King Kong the way he swatted it down with his arm. Sal said once he stuck his ass in Gary's face. He said that was great. He said Gary threatened to kill him and he thinks he threw him down and threw a trumpet case on his face.
Richard said they decided that it was best to lay off of that stuff eventually. Jon asked if they have a good relationship now. Sal said he and Gary do. He said those things he did were harmless. He said that he was going to put Wassabi in Artie Lange's Munchins once. He said he had to be sat down and talked to. Sal said he thought it would be hilarious but Richard talked him out of it.
Benjy said he remembers Sal knocking food out of his hands once. Sal said it was a whole plate of food that he knocked down. He said it went flying all over the hallway. Benjy said he was pissed about that. He said he doesn't like those kind of things.
Sal said he had just started working there and he thought he had free rein to go nuts there. Benjy said he can understand his confusion. He said he's hired to make crazy stuff happen. Sal said he would never do something like that now. He said it was silly and stupid but it's not cool to do stuff like that. Jon said it's interesting how his attitude has changed.
Sal said he once called Tom Chiusano a douche bag on air and he didn't like that. He said Tom said he was going to knock him the fuck out if he did it again. He said that was a little rough. Sal said that people on the show ripped him apart all the time. He said the second day he did it again and Tom told him to stop it again. He said Howard was laughing but then Howard and Tom made a threat for him to stop it. He said Howard told him not to let that stifle his creativity. He said he ended up sitting down with Tom and he told him he had to learn about who to respect and learn what he can and can't do. He said he never did that again.
Jon said Sal had to be sat down for the Wassabi Munchins though. Sal said he did. He said that he thought it would be funny but Gary told him that you can't prank with food. Sal said it was his first week so he had to reflect on that and figure out what he could and couldn't do. He said he was trying to find his way into the show. Jon said Richard helped him out with that. Sal said Richard was laid back and he would take notes about the show to get ideas for the show. Richard said he would do a lot of production at night and at K-Rock they didn't have access to computers like they do there at SiriusXM. Richard said he'd write down notes during the show and do what they could at K-Rock until they had to give up the studio for someone else. Then he'd go home and work on stuff.
Richard said he and Sal started around the same time. He said he was lucky he had someone like that who was in the same position as him. Jon said they had to take a break after that.
Sal said that's all he needed to see. He said he perceived that as a connection. He said Gene came back and he did it again. He said this time Gene went back stage and grabbed security and he wanted him out. Sal said he was looking at Gene doing his hand thing the whole time. He said the security people said he had to go. Sal said they asked what he did to him. He showed them and the Arena security said they can't throw him out over that. He said KISS' security wanted him out though. He said they told him to stop or they'd have to throw him out. Sal said they asked him to stop so he did. He said the place goes black and Gene does the song ''God of Thunder'' while flying around the stage. He knew what they were going to do so he ran up to the front row. He said they attached his wires and Gene does his stuff. He said then they turn on the lights and he was standing there doing his hand antlers thing. He said Gene was flying up as he's waving his fingers. He said at that point Gene couldn't do anything because he was being raised in the air. He said that's where it got bad.
Sal said Gene did the song. He said when he came down Gene pushed one guy away to get the wires off. He said he stormed back stage and this guitar tech comes flying out and lunges at him. He said he grabbed his shirt and security had to jump on him. He said the guy was yelling at him and telling him to get out now. He said security asked what was going on. He said Gene threatened to fire the guy if he didn't get him out of there now. Sal said he wasn't going to get someone fired so he had security walk him out. Sal said he got out of the arena and another guitar tech came in and said that it was nice of him to leave because Gene is known for firing people on Christmas Eve. Sal said they knew Gene means it so they came out and got him out of there.
Richard said he thinks that Sal called into the show the following Monday to tell the story. Sal said someone got it into the NY Post and it was discussed on the air. He said he was going to sue Gene for like 100 billion.
Jon said Richard would have remembered that guy too if it had happened to him. Richard said he remembers every mullet he saw in a crowd when he played in a band. He said he remembers this one guy in the audience who had an epic mullet. He said you do remember certain people.
Jon asked Sal if he was worried that Gene was going to be mad at him to this day. Sal said he was a little worried but he also thought about what an innocent thing it was to do what he did. Sal said there are a lot of those shows that are on YouTube and you can see the lines drop Gene a couple of feet as he's being raised up.
Sal said he was outside of the arena after that show. He said he remembers Gene coming out and hopping into his van. He said he jumped out in front of the van and did his hand antlers thing one last time. He said Gene was huge and all he saw was his face and his knees up against the dashboard.
Sal said Gene remembered him that day when he was on the show. Jon said that's amazing. They went to break after that.
Jon asked if he would sit there for hours and just graze. Richard said one hefty mama was there and she went to the restroom and they timed how long she was in there. He said she was in there for like 15 minutes so she must have moved her bowels. He said she was raring to go after that. Richard said his wife has the same sense of humor as him. He said they both laugh at that stuff.
Sal said Richard has a great move. He said if they find a funny looking character Richard will have his wife stand next to that person and take a picture so it looks like he's taking it of her. Richard said he's not one to judge people but that's how he and his wife have fun together. He said they love people who are different. Richard said they went to the NY State fair and they had a butter exhibit and there were a lot of butter fans there. He said he got a lot of pictures of his wife with people there. He said sometimes you get caught though.
Sal said he and Ralph did that on the beach down in Florida. He said it was a little bit different than what Richard does though.
Jon asked Benjy if he ever goes to those places like Richard has. Benjy said he has done the buffet thing and he tried to just sit there as long as he could until they kick you out.
Benjy asked Richard about his addiction to alcohol and if he thinks that it stems from something that happened to him growing up. Richard said he had bad acne growing up and he didn't like his looks so it could have had something to do with that.
Benjy said he never thought that Richard would worry about something like that. Richard said in school he was the ugly one. He said the other two guys were hunks. Richard said he's not even saying that's why he drinks but he's guessing at it.
Jon asked Sal about his issues with his eyes and how that threw him for a loop. Sal said that it's hard on young kids. He said image matters to people. He said it's everything. Sal said you're judged at that phase of your life. He said you work so hard trying to maintain an image. Richard said he ended up gravitating to people who were into metal so he's glad he had people he could relate to. Sal said that he was told that the girls who were blowing him off at that age would change once he got into high school. He said they were pretty much right.
Benjy asked if it's wrong to judge women on the show. He said he doesn't think there's anything wrong with judging guys on the show. He said it's not as big of a deal. Jon said as a teen it's tough. Jon said just look at how they've turned out. Sal said Jon looks like a bag of shit with glasses but he loves him.
Richard said he used to go to a Chinese buffet in Orlando and he'd go on a Saturday and Sunday. He said he went one day and the place was closed down. He said they got hit with like 150 health violations. He said they were taking food off of people's plates and putting it back. He said they found roach droppings in the food and other things like that. He said that might be why he has such a strong stomach now.
Jon wrapped up the show and had the guys get in their plugs. They were done around 11:00am.
Beetlejuice vs Gary The Retard. 1/26/01. 8:55am
Who is smarter Beetlejuice or Gary the Retard? That's what Howard wanted to find out once and for all. He had both Gary the Retard and Beetlejuice the tiny headed dwarf come in to compete in an intelligence test today. What happened in this segment can't be described in words.. but I'll try.
Howard said Beetlejuice came in dressed as Erkle from ''Family Matters''. He was wearing glasses and tried to look smart. Howard plugged a party that Beetlejuice will be at tonight in Staten Island. He asked Beet where it would be and Beet said Manhattan. Beet was very intent on talking to Robin today. He kept looking at her and sweet talking her. He kept calling her honey and sweetheart through the whole segment.
Howard asked Beet when the last time he got laid was. Beet rambled in his usual way saying that he gets laid often.. but then he said the last time was in 1976. Then he said he was born in 1975.. So he was only 1 when he got laid?
Howard tried to talk to Gary the Retard but it was tough. He said that Gary has gained quite a bit of weight since they last saw him. Howard asked him how much he weighs now and he said 146 pounds. Beet had to do him one better so he said he weighs ''..147 dude!'' Howard also noticed that Gary's new teeth were missing. Gary says that he keeps them in his coat pocket because they hurt his mouth. Beet gave him some advice and told him to get braces to hold them in. Beet bragged that he has his own teeth.
Howard was ready to start the game when Gary said that he watches Jeopardy all the time. He also watches Hollywood Squares. Beet heard that and said that he can get 20 squares when he plays that on his computer. Always bragging..
Howard finally got to the questions and started with Beet. The first three are not a mistake. Howard asked the same question 3 times!
Howard plugged the Beetlejuice thing again and Beet continued to ramble on and on about nonsense as he usually does. Howard took some phone calls and people were saying that this was the funniest thing they've ever heard. One guy suggested they send Beet to Harvard to be studied.
Beetlejuice was talking about how he can beat the crap out of anyone who he doesn't like. Howard asked him how tall he is and he just went crazy. He said that he weighs 825 pounds.. up to 25 pounds.. Then 45 pounds. There's got to be some short circuits in his brain.
A guy called in pretending to be Beetlejuice's wife Katiejuice. (S)he started telling Beet that she was mad at him for not coming home and Beet seemed to think that it was really his wife. He told Katiejuice that he told her he'd be home in 2 weeks. It was very bizarre.
High Pitch Erik showed up because he'll be at the Beet party tonight. He was wearing a rainbow wig with his shirt off. Howard said he was ill just looking at him. Erik said that he and Beet do a thing together. Beetlejuice rides him like a horse. Beet got on his back, after walking out of the studio for a second, and hopped on. Howard was trying to wrap things up but it was tough. He told them to stop but then Beet started smacking Erik. Erik, in his Mickey Mouse voice, yelled at Beet to ''STOP IT!'' Beet told Erik that he was his bitch and told him to shut up. Howard then told Beet to feel up Erik. Erik told Beet that he's a faggot if he feels him up. Then Beet said he'd beat Erik up tonight. Erik said something about not being afraid of ''negros like you'' to him. Howard finally got them to stop and ended the fun.
KC The Stand-Up Comic? 11/29/00. 7:10am
A woman called in this morning and told Howard that she was at a comedy club the other night and KC was one of the comedians performing! She said he was awful and he only did about 3 minutes of his act before giving up. KC came in and said that he went down like a lead zeppelin that night. He said there is no worse feeling in the world than bombing in front of a crowd like that. He'd been keeping this stand-up career a secret because he didn't want Howard goofing on him. Now that the cat is out of the bag he's going to give Howard a tape of his act so Howard can hear it. He said that he's ready to give up on it for a while because he really bombed. He figures that since his material wasn't funny that night that it can't ever be funny. He told Howard he couldn't do any of his act on the show because it's all too dirty to air. He does Jesus jokes and other weird humor in his act according to the woman on the phone. KC eventually started yelling at the woman on the phone telling her she was a ''stupid bitch''. That was funny. Howard suggested that he do that in his act and he'd be funny. KC is now thinking of doing that.
Howard said that Stuttering John also has a secret stand-up career. He came in and said that he has done some stand-up and that he also didn't want to be goofed on about it. Howard said he wanted to hear his act also. John said he didn't have a tape of his act and Howard didn't believe him. He called him a liar and told him to get out of the studio.
After taking a break Fred had written some jokes for KC to use in his act. KC performed the act and it was actually funny. Some of the jokes were about peeing in bed and stuff like that. Then he had jokes like ''I saw a sign that said 'Wet Paint' so I pissed on it!'' He also said ''Don't you hate it when you fart in the bath tub and your mother gets out and puts her clothes back on?'' His final joke was ''I hate it when you're having sex on a plane and the pilot pushes you off his lap to land the plane.'' It was funnier than it reads here.
The Jesus Twins Visit. 01/27/1997. 8:45am
After the break Howard came back and said he wasn't sure he wanted to get started with this. He said this band by the name of The Jesus Twins was outside of the studio this morning yelling at Gary and Steve Grillo. They were wondering why Howard's not putting them on his movie soundtrack album. Howard pointed out that the soundtrack is already being pressed so he can't just put them on the album. These guys said that Howard would be so impressed with the song that he'd stop the presses and add their song to it.
Howard agreed to let them in the studio to hear the song. What a mistake that was. As soon as they came in they started yelling at Crackhead Bob to get the hell out of the studio. They did the same to Gary. The one guy who seemed to be the leader of the nightmare kept saying that his band was the best and all others just plain suck. He put down every band that's on Howard's soundtrack.
Eventually Howard played some of their song and it sucked. It sounded like a bad 1980's Stevie Ray Vaughn song. Their manager, who had a very unique voice, tried to explain why this band was the next big thing. He said that everyone out there is doing grunge and hip-hop. Not these guys. They're doing something that no one else is doing.
At one point during this fiasco the lead Jesus Twin got in an argument with Fred. He started to make a move to confront Fred but Crackhead Bob saved the day. He held the guy back with his bad arm!
Howard never said that he really liked the song but said it was ''an okay song''. I think that was just to get the guys to leave the studio. Once they did leave the studio a call came in from a big wig over at Epic Records. He said that he might be interested in hearing more of their stuff. When the Jesus Twins heard the guy on the phone they didn't care. They don't need a record deal with a real company I guess. Howard went to break a short time after the guys left.
More Wiping Discussion. 8/22/01. 9:50am
A woman called in to talk about the discussion Howard had on the show yesterday about his wiping habits. Everyone got on Howard's case about ''wiping back to front'' when most of the people on the show wipe from front to back. Howard went home and asked his buddy Ralph how he wipes. Ralph does it the same way as Howard. The woman on the phone said she also wipes that way and a few other people Howard spoke to do it the same as him. Of course, just like yesterday, the delay button was being hit often during these discussions. Howard said he tried wiping the other way after the show yesterday but he wasn't able to get the job done. Ralph called in and said the same thing. He said that you can't get any leverage when you wipe from front to back. Howard said he understands that women have to wipe from ''clean to dirty'' so they don't get any germs up in that area down there. The more Howard talked about the subject the more calls he got from people who backed up Howard's technique. Howard had to move on to the news so they had to put a stop to the discussion.
King Of All Blacks And Angry Black Argue With Each Other. 06/16/04. 7:05am
Howard had King of All Blacks and Angry Black on the phone because they have problems with each other for some reason. Angry Black told King that he had a lot of nerve commenting on him out in Vegas. The two of them started arguing about some stuff that went on out there in Vegas. Angry Black said that King had no money out there and King was saying that Angry took the train out there. Howard and Robin tried to calm the two of them down.
King of all Blacks claimed to have 15 cars while Angry was bragging about his 2002 Saab 9-3 (later it turned into a BMW 325) like it was a big deal. Howard tried to find out what went on out there in Vegas. He heard that Angry Black was out there with some white women. Angry Black said that there were some white girls talking to him at the pool the day they got there. He said that the chicks were trying to get to Howard through him and he knew that. Angry Black said that he has a Taiwanese girlfriend who will be there on Friday but King of all Blacks went off on him about that. No one was sure what King's beef was with Angry Black.
The two of them were talking over each other and yelling about nonsense. Angry Black was saying that he was ''the man'' out in Vegas and it's all over for King now. Angry Black was asking King where he's going to be next week. King said that he's going to be in Barbados next week but Angry Black said he's going to be part of some reality thing out in Vegas next week (WhackPackLive.com) and he sold Howard out on that. King said that he doesn't have to bring that up on the air and they didn't need to talk about that.
King and Angry continued to yell over each other but there was no point to it. King was bragging about his clothing, Angry was bragging about his job and money. King wanted Angry to thank him for getting him on the air today. Howard had to cut the two of them off because they were just goofing on each other relentlessly. King said that if Angry Black came into his neighborhood, he'd be arrested.
Howard tried to find out if King was telling the truth about his father being worth millions. King said he doesn't want to talk about him. Angry Black said that he's a made man in New Jersey and some other wacky stuff like that. He later said he was just joking around with that. Howard lost control of the two of them again when they started yelling at each other again. He had to wrap up with them but King said that he he's the real ''nigga'' because all he really cares about is material stuff. They continued to argue with each other for a couple more minutes until Howard cut them off.
King was telling Angry that he treats his chicks too nice. He said that the hotter a chick is, the harder you treat them. He was giving him some lessons on how to treat women the way he treats them. Howard said that he was going to invite the two of them down there to talk to each other. He said he'd rather do that so he can control them a little better. He's going to mediate their problems instead of having them fight each other. He was unsuccessful at stoping the arguing though. King would not stop talking and he continued to go off on Angry Black. King was saying that Angry is never even on the show. Angry said that he's been on the show since 1994 though.
Big Black called in and got in a plug for some web site (FanaticRadio.com) where he said they have video of King dancing on a pole. Crazy Cabbie called in and went off on Angry a little bit himself. He said it seems like he wants to be him. He goofed on him about a couple of things and at one point all three of them were talking over each other. Cabbie said that this was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard. Howard had to wrap up the segment after that. He got the two of them off the line.
Howard said he learned that King had kids with a Puerto Rican so the kids would have good hair. Robin and Artie weren't even sure what the two of them were arguing about. Howard went to commercial break after talking about that craziness for a minute.
The Judy Garland Tapes. 3/23/01. 7:15am
Vinnie Favale from CBS has been sitting in all week waiting to play tapes of Judy Garland rambling for Howard. He's also been talking about all of the CBS shows and how great they are. Howard wanted to hook him up to a lie detector to see if he actually thinks that the shows are good.
Howard first played the Judy Garland tapes that he's been talking about all week. Vinnie edited down the tapes to just the good parts. Apparently the tapes are from the time when she had lost her CBS show and she was divorced and living in England. Someone suggested that she voice her thoughts on tape so a book could be written about her life. Howard played a bunch of the clips and she just rambles in what sounds like a drunken rage. She complains about not knowing how to use the tape recorder and how it's a ''Nazi machine''. In another clip she wonders why she flies around in airplanes with a ''cast'' of people she couldn't care less about. She said she doesn't want to die with these people who sit around reading ''Readers Digest''. She also complains about her ex-husband Sid Luft and how he doesn't care about anyone except himself. The tapes were hilarious.
For some reason Vinnie thought that there were many similarities between Judy and Howard. Some of his examples included... both were divorced, both had kids, both were in their 40's, both battled CBS over money, both were mentally abused by their parents, both saw psychiatrists, both talk in a microphone, both like their wine, both can't play sports, both lost money in their divorce, both had daughters that wanted to be performers and while Judy hung out with gays, Howard hung out with Ralph.
Howard had to hold off on the lie detector test because Joan Rivers showed up.
Pete The Asian Virgin Visits. 02/02/10. 7:40am
Howard said Pete the Asian kid who was there for the virgin Dial-A-Date has been calling in too. He claims that he's getting laid now. He said they had a hard time interpreting what he was talking about though. Howard played that one and the guy was saying that he's having sex and jerking off every day.
Howard said the guy is there now and they have the girl that he claims that he had sex with. The girl claims that he only kissed her and they didn't have sex.
Howard had Pete come in and asked him if he knows what pussy is. Pete said that a girl has it. He knew where it was on the girl. Howard said that the girl is saying that he's wrong about having sex. Pete said that's because she's shy.
Howard said that Pete didn't think that she was even attractive. Pete said he didn't. He said he has a new girl, this isn't the old one. Pete said she's a white girl and he has known her for a while now. Pete said that she wanted him after he was on the radio.
Will came in and said that there are holes in the story. He said that Pete claimed yesterday that this was the same girl he had talked about the last time he was on. Pete said that Will spoke to the new girlfriend yesterday and this is a different girl. It was all very confusing.
Will said this girl is very normal. She didn't come in with Pete today though. Howard asked Pete how she got interested in him all of a sudden. Pete said she heard him on the radio and that's what did it.
Howard asked Pete if the girl is after him for his money. Pete said that's not why. Howard went through the date details and found out they went out to a diner for dinner. Howard said Pete is very hard to understand. He wasn't sure if he was saying diner or dinner.
Howard asked if she asked him to come back to her place to have sex. He said she did and he was shocked when she did that. Robin asked if she had ever kissed before. Pete said they hadn't done that before. Pete said that she wanted to have sex though.
Howard asked what happened when they got back to her place. Pete said that she took her clothes off and she undressed him too.
Howard asked Pete if he knows what the two things are on the girl's chest. Pete said that he knows they're boobs. Howard asked if she had a flat belly. Pete said she did. He said that she didn't have cellulite either.
Howard asked Pete about kissing this girl and if he exploded as soon as she kissed him. Pete said he did. Howard asked if he knows what sex is. Pete said that it's when you have pussy and dick and put the dick in the pussy. Howard asked him how he found out about that. Pete said he doesn't remember.
Howard asked Pete if he's legally allowed to have sex. Pete said he is. Howard said that the dick in the pussy thing was pretty crude but he'd go on.
Howard asked Pete where the stuff that came out of his penis landed. Pete said it was on the floor. Howard asked who cleaned it up. Pete said the girl did. Howard asked if he was embarrassed. Pete said he wasn't.
Howard said that he hasn't had sex because his penis didn't go inside the vagina yet. Pete said he knows that. Howard asked if they ended up in bed. Pete said they did. Howard asked if she licked his ass. Pete said she didn't do that. Howard asked if she touched his wiener. Pete said she did that. He also said that he kissed her in her private spot.
Howard asked if he smelled any doody. Pete said he did a little bit. Robin told him to stop it. Howard asked if he had made a doody too. He said he had but everything was fresh. Howard asked if she kissed his penis. Pete said she did.
Howard asked Pete if he knows what cunnilingus is. Pete didn't know. Howard said that's when you lick the vagina. Howard asked if he asked the girl if she made a doody when he smelled the stink. Pete said he didn't do that. Pete told Howard that he knew how to lick the top thing on the girl from watching porno.
Howard said Pete knows more about the clitoris than he does. He asked if she was telling him to give it to her hard. Pete said she was shy so she didn't do that. Pete said she was a virgin too and she told him that she was. Howard asked if there was blood on the sheets afterward. Pete said here was. She still lives at home with her parents so Howard asked where they were. Pete said they were at work.
Howard asked if she's the same intelligence as he is. Pete said she is and she's in the same class as he is. Howard asked Pete if he knew how to get his penis in the hole. Pete said he did it himself. He said he just had to push since she was a virgin. Howard asked how long he lasted. Pete said he lasted 2 hours. Howard said that's impossible. He asked Pete if he knows how long two hours really is. Pete knew it was 120 minutes. He said he went from 12 to 2 so it was two hours.
Howard asked Pete if he used a rubber. Pete didn't. Pete said he finished outside so he's hoping she's not pregnant. Pete said he finished on her butt.
Howard asked Pete if he was worried about getting diseases. Pete said he wasn't worried but he said he would use a condom when he does it again in the future. Howard said that Pete can't be a father yet. He said that if her family ever found out the father would throw him out a window.
Howard said he's 56 years old and if he added up the sex he's had it wouldn't add up to 2 hours. He found it hard to believe he lasted that long.
Pete told Howard that they were switching back and forth between missionary and doggy style. They did that a couple of times before finishing in doggy style.
Howard said Wendy the Retard was on the phone and she was turned on by him. Howard got her on the line and asked her about wanting to be with Pete. She was answering yes to any question Howard asked. She was claiming she didn't wipe well either so she might be stinky. She said she would rock his world if she was with him. She said that she can handle all of the positions.
Howard asked Wendy some more dating questions and she sounded a little tired and just kept saying ''yeah'' over and over. Howard asked Pete what he looks for in a woman. Pete said he's just looking for a pulse. Howard told Pete that Wendy can eat 3 pizzas in one sitting. Wendy asked if he likes doing karaoke. Pete said he does that sometimes. Howard asked if he would mind her eating 3 pizzas. Pete said ''not at all.''
Wendy said she can actually eat 5 whole pizzas. Howard asked how many times a day she makes a doody. She said it's 4 or 5 times a day. Sometimes she doesn't make it to the toilet. Howard said Pete is going to be good because nothing is turning him off. Howard asked Pete if he likes to bowl. Pete said he does sometimes. Howard said Wendy loves to bowl.
Wendy said that she takes a big doody after bowling and then she eats and drinks more so she throws up and makes more doody. Howard asked if she would make doody while having sex. Wendy said she wouldn't do that.
Howard asked Pete if this all sounded good to him. Pete said ''yes.'' Howard asked Wendy about clogging the toilet when she poops. She said she does that and she also misses the toilet sometimes. She said she can miss the hole when she's not paying attention.
Robin told Howard to play the clip of Wendy when she was talking and throwing up. Howard said he didn't want to turn Pete off.
Howard wrapped up with Wendy and told her that he's going to look into doing a Retarded Bachelor show with Pete. Howard thanked Wendy for the call and let her go a short time later. Howard said Pete got some stank on that hang low and now he's getting chicks.
Howard took a call from Sal and Richard who were playing Crackhead Bob clips asking Pete some unintelligible questions. Pete didn't know what to say.
Howard asked Pete how often he's having sex. He said he's doing it twice a week now. He said he will start wearing condoms now. Robin said he was playing Russian Roulette with that. Howard said that's like tempting fate to bring children out of this union. Howard said he doesn't want Pete to become a young father. Pete said he can have kids but not right now.
Howard took another call from the guys in the back who were playing Leon Spinks unintelligible clips. Pete didn't know what to say to those questions either.
Howard congratulated Pete on becoming a man. He told him he should be wearing condoms though. He said that a real man would wear a condom.
Gary said that Medicated Pete and Virgin Pete are from the same town. Howard said he's glad Gary interrupted with that. It was fascinating information.
Howard gave Pete $711 from 7-Eleven as a prize for coming in. Pete didn't seem to get that it was prize money that he'd get to spend. They had to explain it to him. Howard asked Pete if he had been to a 7-Eleven. Pete said he had been there and he knew the ''Oh thank Heaven for 7-Eleven.''
Howard asked Pete how old this girl is that he's been with. Pete said she's 21. Pete is 24. Howard asked how old he is mentally. Pete wasn't sure. Howard said that this girl is giving herself to him and that's a big honor to have that. He told him not to be mean to her.
Howard and Robin asked what he does with the girl. Pete said that he takes her to the movies. Howard said he's not sure what to believe because Pete claimed that Bruce Lee trained him in Karate. Pete said he explained that he learned that from TV, not from Bruce Lee directly.
Sal came in and asked if they could give him porn because he's been hounding them for some. Sal brought in a porn with a transsexual in it. Howard told him to get that out of there. He said they're not going to give him any porn.
Howard said it's a milestone for Pete to lose his virginity. He asked what he did to celebrate. Pete said he drank some beer. Howard asked him what he's going to do with the $711. Pete said he's going to save it and spend it on his girlfriend. Robin asked if he drives. Pete said he doesn't. He tired taking the test though.
Howard said he likes this guy Pete and that's why he's giving him the money. Howard wrapped up with him and said that he's still going to call him the Asian virgin because he doesn't believe a word of what he told them.
Howard asked Pete how many loads he dropped that day. Pete said it was two. Howard said if he got one more detail he was going to throw up so he had to stop. He said he must have one big load that day though. He said it must have been one big puddle.
High Pitch Eric called in as Margie and said that he was hot for Pete. He was looking for someone to power wash his vagina. Pete said he wasn't looking to do that. Howard told Margie to describe herself. Eric said that his vagina smells like horse manure. He asked Pete to wipe his ass for him because he has gout. He was looking for someone to give him a good reaming. He was running out of lines so Howard bailed out on that call.
Howard said he'll get in touch with Pete if they do Retarded Bachelor. He went to break a short time later.
Howie Mandel Visits. 01/08/09. 7:00am
After the break we heard a prank call that Sal made to Gary the Retard where he had him asking an operator asking for the number for 800-FLOWERS. Howard came back and had Howie Mandel come in. Howard said he's got a new show out that's kind of a Candid Camera/Punk'd thing. Howard said that it's a whole new revival for Howie with these game shows that he's doing.
Howard said that he's always had Howie on the show over the years even when he was kind of down and out. Howard said that they're giving him great reviews for this new TV show of his. He said that he's the host of the moment these days. Howard said he thinks of Howie as a comedian but he's become a host guy now. Howie said that was against his better judgment but it's worked out for him.
Howard said that hosting is easy from what he can tell. Howard said he'd love to host a game show like Howie does. Howie said he didn't get the concept of the show, Deal or No Deal, at first and wondered how they were going to stretch it out. Howard said he was angry the first time he saw it. He said he was angry because he liked it. Howard said that he got angry at Howie because he was offered a game show and they wanted him to do a ton of work. Howard said Howie got the easy job and hardly has to do anything in that show.
Howard said that Howie has always had good material when he was starting out in comedy and he remembers him being on Merv Griffin's show and stuff like that. Howie said that he was on a young comedians special one time and it was him, Richard Lewis, Jerry Seinfeld and Harry Anderson. They all had big careers at some point.
Artie talked about the days when Howie was doing comedy out at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles. Howie said that they used to get a line around the block out there when they'd have comedians come out to do shows. It's just not the same these days. Howard asked why he thinks that is. Howie said that he thinks that these people are going on YouTube these days. He said he's not sure where he would go today if he was just starting out.
Howie said that the Young Comedians special was booked by George Carlin's wife. Howie said he never met George though. Howard asked how long he was doing comedy before he got on that Young Comedians show. Howie said it was about a year and a half. Howard asked if he ever graduated high school. Howie said he didn't and he doesn't even have a GED. Howard asked if he was a trouble maker in school. He said he was and he was asked to leave school
Howie said that he was halfway through 13th grade up in Canada. He said that he used to have a swimming class in the last class of the day and he refused to swim one day and threw an Oh Henry bar into the pool. Howie said that they made an announcement saying that they wanted to know who had defecated in the pool and they wouldn't get in trouble over it. Howie said he went down to the pool, dived in and came up with the bar in his mouth. That was the last day at that school for him.
Howie said that he once called a construction companies, a couple of them actually, and asked for a few people to bid on an addition to the school. He said that the principal saw it going on an Howie said that he had given his name to the company and they told the principal that it was him. He said that he gave them his name ''Howard Mandel'' and he was asked to go to the office. Howie said that he was called to the office and asked if he knew what those men were doing at the library. The guy told Howie that no one authorized an addition to the library. Howie said that he told the principal that he was being honest and getting bids instead of just taking the first deal. Howie said that this was fun for him back then and he was his own audience. He said that the principal was telling his parents what was going on and his mom was biting her lip like she was holding back her laughter.
Howie said that the kids thought he was insane. He said they didn't get him and he didn't have any friends. Howard said that might be the most brilliant practical joke ever and the kids just didn't get it. Howard asked if the construction guys got mad at him. He said he never got to meet them, they were asked to leave the field.
Howard asked Howie if he thinks that he would have been more successful if he had gotten a diploma. Howie said he's not sure what he would have done if he had finished school.
Howard gave Howie some plugs for his new TV show ''Howie Do It'' that's coming out on Friday night on NBC. Howie said that they have a bottle of Liquid Ass that they set up as a perfume stand. Howie said that he ended up pouring some of this in a guy's hands and they had his nose plugged. When the guy took the plug off he vomited. Howie said that's what they'll be showing on Friday night. He's not sure if they'll show the vomiting but that's what happened to the guy.
Howie said that people get excited when they're on these shows. He said that they don't even stay mad at them when they have liquid ass on them. Howard said that he would kill those guys on Punk'd if they ever did any of those things to him. Howie said that's where the entertainment value lies. Howie said that people have been hit during the shoots of these shows. Howie said that they do this bit where they have a ''Break In Makeover'' where they have a guy break into a house and take all of the TVs and stuff. Howie said that they tell this kid that he's just broken into the wrong house and then the cops show up. Howie said that one kid just ran and they weren't able to find him afterward.
Howard asked Howie if he would be pissed if he told him that Richard and Sal had rubbed their balls on his headphones before he came in. Howie said that he would be freaked out. He said that he was afraid to even come back into the studio today based on what has gone on in the past and some of the stuff he's heard on the show before. He said that one guy, Doug Goodstein, had talked about posing his kid in Howard's chair and when Howard asked him why he didn't pose her on the couch, he said it was because he wouldn't put his kid on that filthy couch.
Howard asked Howie about doing comedy and found out that he's still doing 200 dates a year. Howie said he loves doing those shows after all this time. He said that he doesn't mind doing it and has some fun with the audience when he's up there.
Howard said that Deal or No Deal is being syndicated and they have a night time show and a day time show. Howie said that he has no fear of them burning the show out. Howard said that he's now made a deal with NBC to do the new show ''Howie Do It'' that's on Friday nights on NBC. Howie said that's a business for him and his son. He said that they're doing that with their own production company.
Howard said that those shows must take a lot of time to film. Howie said that they do. Howard asked how he does that and the 200 dates a year. Howie said that it keeps him busy. He said that he and his wife have been together for 35 years now and the total time spent together is probably 3 and a half months.
Robin asked Howie how he convinces his kids to stay in school. Howie said that his daughter is a teacher in South Central. Howard said that they must give her a hard time. Howie said that he's so proud of her. He said that his son is pouring liquid ass on people.
Howard said that Howie must be making 5 or 10 million a year doing that Deal or No Deal show. Howie said that he's doing really well and it is a good deal. Howard said that he's getting different deals for the prime time show and the syndicated deal. He's also got the ''Howie Do It'' and the 200 comedy gigs. Howie said that he's doing the same thing Leno is doing and only spending the money he makes doing stand-up.
Howard asked if his daughter ever asks him why she's teaching in South Central while he's making all of this money. Howie said that she likes doing that and making it on her own.
Howard asked Howie about hosting the Emmy's with Ryan Seacrest. Howie said that was the darkest moment in his career. He said he didn't like doing that at all. Howie said that he's a nice guy and he got a call one morning where they told him that if he said okay to hosting the Emmy's that they would have the 5 hosts of the reality shows being voted on. They had Tom Bergeron, Jeff Probst, Heidi Klum and Ryan Seacrest. Howie said that his knee jerk reaction was to say no but then he figured that if they were going to do it, he didn't want to ruin it for the other four people. Howie said that he didn't want to shatter anyone else's dream.
Howard said that was a very nice thing of him to do. Howard said that's not the way he would look at it. Howie said that he really didn't want to do the hosting job. He said he agreed to do it and then they found out that everyone else said okay to it. Then they started releasing press about the show. Howie said that he thought he was going to get a budget and be able to get some writers and do a whole thing with that.
Howie said that he figured they'd have some kind of produced stuff to do but that's not what happened. Howie said that weeks went by and he found out they wanted to take pictures. He said that Heidi didn't show up for the photo shoot. Howie said that they put on rental tux's and sat on the number 60 for the 60th annual awards. Howie said that Ryan asked what they were going to do for the opening and they were told not to worry about it, they had something planned.
Howie said that he had some ideas for the opening of the show and threw some ideas around with his friends. Howie said that they started sending them sketches and they just weren't the kinds of things that he expected. Howie said that he started to panic and wanted to get out of the whole thing. He said that his agent told him he can't pull out. Howie said that he got some of the other guys on the phone and called the producers about it. Howard said the worst thing is that Howie gets blamed when something like that fails.
Howie said that they all got on the phone and threw around some comedy ideas. Howie said that it was Heidi's idea to rip off her dress in the show. Howie said that it was like his balls were being cut off. He said that the producers liked Heidi's ideas but not his ideas. He said his ideas were just dismissed.
Howie said that after all of that they heard that Oprah Winfrey was going to open the show. Howie said that it was so fucked that he told his agent to tell them that he was sick or something. He wasn't able to get out of the gig. He said that both Jeff and Ryan didn't want to do it either. Howie said that they were going to go with the bit where they ripped Heidi's suit off. Howie said that he wanted to just be honest and not read off the teleprompter or anything. Howie said that Oprah wasn't up there being funny or anything when she opened the show. He said that they didn't even share the stage with her.
Howie said that they went out and said they had nothing. He said that the producers were pissed off after that. The audience just sat there waiting for something to happen but they just left the stage while Heidi and Tom Bergeron stayed up there and did their thing.
Howie said that he's been killed over that appearance. He said that the critics hated it and thought that they weren't funny at all. Howie said that he, Jeff and Ryan still e-mail each other and ask if they have anything yet. They never do have anything.
Howard asked Howie if he gets paid to do a gig like that. Howie said that it actually cost him money to do it. Howard told Howie about the time he was going to do Saturday Night Live and had a meeting with Lorne Michaels. He said that he wanted to do some stuff with Jackie and Fred but Lorne didn't want him to do that. He also wanted to go out and talk about how awful the show was but Lorne didn't want to throw his staff under the bus and didn't let him do that. Howard said that he ended up just going out and doing a bit with his buddy Norm MacDonald instead.
Howard said that Howie has to think about himself and not worry about other people from now on. He said that he shouldn't think about what other people are doing and just worry about his own career. Howard asked if he went into a depression after the Emmy thing. Howie said that he does and he was kind of depressed this morning talking about it.
Howard said that Jeremy Piven came out and made fun of Howie on that Emmy show. Howie said that he didn't win the Emmy that night either. Jeff Probst ended up winning. Howie said that all five of them were brought out and they did an elimination round for that award. Howie said they weren't humiliated enough before that. Howard said it sounds like a nightmare. Howie said that it really was. Howie joked that he was there to announce that he was hosting the Emmy's next year.
Howard said that he could freak Howie out. He showed him a picture of Beetlejuice sitting on the couch naked. He said that he was sitting on a towel though so he shouldn't be too worried. Howard was talking to Howie about the germ phobia and his OCD. Howie said that he actually flew there on a commercial flight. Howard said that must really bother him. Howie was saying that he will only go to see a movie if he can sit in the back row of the theater so no one can cough on him.
Howard said that Howie seems to have this compulsion to go out on the road and do these 200 shows a year. Howie said that it's like his blankie when he's doing those shows. He said he's really comfortable doing that stuff. Artie said he feels the same way about comedy.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked where they find the people on the Deal or No Deal show because they're really retarded and obnoxious these days. Howie said that the people are really amped up and they go crazy up on stage. Howard said that these people always blow it and lose the money that they could have had. He said that if you get to 50,000 or something they should just take it. Howie said that there have been people crying back stage asking why they didn't listen to him and just take the money.
Howard said that you want to take these people and shake them when they risk losing $300,000. Howie said that they do have a real guy there doing the banker job. He said that he was reading a blog online where a woman said that she had a guy coming on to her saying he was the banker on the show and she didn't believe him. Howie said that he knows that the guy was actually at that bar that night and he probably did come on to that chick.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw a guy crying on the show one night when his girlfriend was playing the game. The guy said that he wanted to beat the shit out of the guy when he broke down crying. Howard wrapped up with Howie after that. Howard said he believed in Howie even when he wasn't doing well. Howie said that he remembers Howard asking weird questions from the back of the press room when they were doing press for St. Elsewhere. Howard said he used to be the Stuttering John before Stuttering John was. Howard said he had people threaten to beat him up for asking those questions.
Howie said that the questions would cause the whole room to come to a halt and any sense of decency would be sucked out of the room. Howard said that he eventually made Gary go out an ask those questions. Then he got freaked out by it and they had Stuttering John go out and do it instead.
Howard asked if this Friday is the Liquid ass episode. Howie said that it's not on this week but they have another great one where they have this woman who wanted to get back at her husband so they set up this thing where the woman shows the woman the kind of chemistry they're looking for in this fake mouthwash commercial and the fake director ends up getting naked and dry humps the wife. The husband almost killed them while that was going on. Howard wrapped up with Howie and had to go to break after that.
Today's Mammary Lane special was over around 10:15am.
Jon brought up the Gary vs. Beetlejuice segment and how it illustrates part of the show you can't help but fall in love with. Shuli said he knows those two personally and this contest was even money. He said while Beetle has knowledge in one field Gary doesn't. He said they cancel each other out. Jon said as they say everyone is a winner with that. Jon quickly went over some of the other segments they played this morning.
Jon said he wanted to start off with the KC Armstrong stand up. He said KC did stand up for a while but the best part was when he got fired up. He said when he got fired up he got angry and the material got more and more offensive or attack ridden. Shuli said he had material that got your attention. He said the crew he did shows with had very dark material. He said it was funny but very dark. He said KC fell into that very well.
Benjy said he had that ''You know what I hate'' bit he used to do. Jon said one of the best, worst stand up appearances they'll ever hear is Scott the Engineer's. Shuli said Scott came to him at one point and said he wanted a bigger role and he wanted to do jokes. Shuli said he refused to tell him who wrote the jokes for him. He said it's not that they were bad but it was the delivery that wasn't good.
Benjy said it was his first time. He said doing it in the studio isn't the same as doing it live. Benjy said if Scott had a passion to do it he could be decent. Shuli said he doesn't think you can teach someone how to be tall. He said you're either funny or not. Jon said he thinks his delivery is funny and his material is so bad that it's kind of funny.
Jon said if you listen to Scott, which they didn't play today, you hear Scott ragging on Gary and Howard and tries to get the Cleveland crowd going. Benjy said judging his ability isn't fair. He said he only did it once. Shuli said he's not passionate about it. He's only passionate about the money. Shuli said he was blowing smoke up his ass about that whole thing. He said he was also going up there with the perception of being a bit of a punching bag on the show. He said the audience goes after him right away and that's not easy.
Jon asked JD what he remembers about that time with Scott. JD said that was one of the best nights of his life. He said he watched it and it was great. Jon said Scott is at his funniest when he gets very passionate about something. JD said he'll come up with a line in the meetings and the line will fall flat. Benjy said he has some funny stuff too. JD said it's funnier when it falls flat though.
Benjy said that Scott is the scapegoat of the family. He said whatever he does is wrong. Jon said there are a few scapegoats on the show. Benjy said that JD is the golden child. Jon said when Scott throws fingers out there it is entertaining. He said he's not the only one who has tried stand up there. He said they'll talk more about that after a break. They went to break a short time later.
Benjy asked what Pete's intelligence level is. He said he knows he went to regular high school. He asked what they know about him. Shuli told him not to look at him. Jon said his understanding is that it's just an accent. Jon said he doesn't know enough about his background. He said Robin can decipher anyone's dialect very well and it's pretty remarkable. JD said it seems like more with Robin she's like ''What?'' and Howard is the one who understands him. Jon said that's why he's the golden child. JD told him to shut up.
Benjy asked if anyone knows what Pete does for work. Shuli said he thinks he's a chef at Benihana's. No one knew where he worked. Jon said he thought he was in school but he really doesn't know. He said he just likes it when he comes on the show and talks.
Shuli said when you're on the show long enough you get to understand someone like Fred the Elephant Boy. He said it took him a while to get it but now he can understand him. JD said Robin has been on the show a long time so maybe that's it.
Jon said that Mariann has a very distinctive tone. He wondered who doesn't have that yet but they are well known. Benjy said he would say Bobo even though he doesn't have a very strange accent. Shuli said Ass Napkin Ed has a very unique delivery. He said Ed doesn't know he has it though. Shuli said he has a sense of humor but he doesn't know about it. Benjy said he thinks he does. He said he knows how to be funny.
Jon said he thinks they have to talk about Eric the Actor. He said he's a man of many voices. He said his delivery is incredible. He said even if he's trying to do it for effect it's still funny. Benjy said he doesn't think he is doing it for effect. He said he wonders if it's biological. Shuli said it is physical. He said he once took out all of the gaps of him taking breaths in an interview and it was shortened by about 30 seconds. He said the guy has to breathe. Jon said they have to hear that gasp though.
Jon said then there's Imran Khan. JD said it's not just his voice but his snoring. Jon said a strange voice is a Wack Pack requirement. Benjy said Melrose Larry Green doesn't have anything that wacky about his voice. He said it's not like Crackhead Bob's. Jon said that's a good example. They went to break after that.
Jon said that Howie Mandel was on the show and he's up for pranking anyone. He said he thinks a prank on Howard is coming. He said he hasn't done it yet but he thinks it's on its way. Jon said Howard is never ready for a prank though. He said Howard is the one who pranks.
Benjy said that Nick Cannon did that one prank on the show and Howard seemed to love that. Shuli said in there it's Howard's house and you don't do anything without him knowing. Jon said he's talking about a deliberate prank on Howard. He said it could be when the live shows start up for AGT. Jon said he thinks Howie is getting close to doing something.
Shuli said he still thinks about when they pranked Steve Langford and sent him into the studio when he wasn't supposed to be in there. He said Scott and Ronnie were both so proud of themselves. Shuli said everyone saw the crash coming from a mile away but they all told them to keep going at it.
Jon asked if Ronnie would encourage Howie to do it or warn him not to. JD said he thinks that he'd warn him not to do it. He said he thinks that Ronnie would warn him not to do it. Benjy said he thinks Howie knows not to do it. He said he's not in the same position as they are though. He said it depends on where it happens. He said if he was taking a nap and it woke him up then he thinks he'd get pissed. If it happens in the body of the AGT show then he may not get pissed. Benjy said even if all of the other judges may get in on it too.
Jon said Howie pranked the principal of his high school. He said it was very elaborate. He said he's fearless when it comes to pranking too. He said the closer you are the more suspect you are of being pranked. He said you have to be on your guard with someone like that.
Benjy said he remembers Howard telling a story about being at a hotel and Jimmy Kimmel got a bell hop outfit and they started delivering people's luggage to their rooms. He said that they're not really pranks but big surprises.
Jon said when Richard had the make up on his arm with the fake MRSA he didn't realize it wasn't going to go over very well. He asked if the guys think he was going to get away with it. JD said he thinks Richard thought it would be so funny if he did it. He said he thinks Richard loved the idea so he did it. JD said there was the love doll prank they did too. They had a real woman in the real doll box.
Benjy said if Howie was a guest on the show and he said he had to reveal something and then he pulls up his shirt and says he's dying of this. He said if at the end it was funny then Howard would love it. Jon said you might be skeptical if it's Howie though. Shuli said that prank isn't going to bother Howard. It's not really a prank on Howard. Benjy said if Richard did it then it would be different because he's not a guest.
Benjy said one of them passed away. He asked if they really had a band. Shuli said they had a music video. Benjy said he thinks Michael Rappaport was a big supporter of theirs. Jon said it was either him or ICP.
Jon said that they have that attitude to succeed and he thinks that you do need that. He said the other part of that equation is backing that attitude up. Shuli said they walked in like they owned the place and that was so mind blowing that they thought they were something. He said it was great. JD said Johnny Mud Mudman was the other one like that. He said he came in there with that attitude. Jon said they had those voices that made them stand out too. JD said he wasn't sure if it was that time but Crackhead Bob was in and he was fighting with them with his one arm.
Jon brought up the Judy Garland tapes segment. Shuli said he remembers that show and how he taped it on his boombox. He said it was fascinating to hear someone loaded out of their mind ranting and raving. Jon said it reminds him of some of the people on the show who have gotten drunk and made calls to people. Jon mentioned Richard calling Will. JD mentioned Jon Leiberman calling and leaving a voice mail message when he was drunk. Shuli said Jon got mad at him for playing that for Howard too.
Jon said there are different drunk Richards. He said he has different personalities. They went over that for a short time and then ended the show. They were done around 11:00am.
Richard Christy's Brazilian Bikini Wax. 02/13/06. 7:40am
Howard said that Richard Christy was going to be coming in to get a Brazilian bikini wax in a little while. He said he's going to have all of the hair ripped out of his asshole and all around that area. Richard came in and said he was getting nervous about this because he saw a video of it being done.
Howard had the woman come in who is going to be doing the bikini wax. She came in and told Howard that she works at Skin Beauty Lounge in Washington DC. Howard was going to bring up the SIRIUS Spa channel to listen to while they were doing this bikini wax thing. Howard said he couldn't find the channel because it wasn't called Spa. Robin told him it is the Spa channel. Howard ran across the Maxim channel and mentioned that Rob Cross from their old station is now programming over there. He eventually found the Spa channel and put that on as he spoke to the woman who was going to do the bikini wax.
Nora told Howard that the bikini wax is going to take a few minutes and she's going to need Richard to help her out a little bit. She said that some people do bleed when they get this done to them. She said that the guys have to get up on all fours sometimes to get the waxing done. She said that she's never pulled any doody out of there after Howard asked about that.
Howard asked how often this has to be done. She said that it should be done about monthly. Some guys come back every 3 weeks or so to get it done. Nora said that this seems to be a gay thing or a European thing for the most part. Howard asked her if it's hot when a hot chick comes in. She said there's nothing sexy about it because she's just pulling hair out. She also said that there was one guy who got an erection when he got his waxing done. She had to ask him to leave.
Richard was ready to go so Howard told Nora to get ready. She said that she will be powdering down his balls and ass before applying the wax. She said that she will be doing that with her hand too so Richard was ready to go. Howard figures that Richard will be screaming when it gets done. Nora needed about 5 minutes to get ready. Howard said he'd take some phone calls but ended up talking to Richard about his sensitive balls. Richard said he's afraid that it's really going to hurt when she rips that stuff off of there.
Howard was digging the Spa channel on SIRIUS as he was listening. Robin is into it as well and has listened to it before. Howard was also talking about the Olympics a little bit as he waited for Nora to get ready. He then asked Nora how things were going. She was ready to go and had a ton of stuff there to help her out. Then she asked Richard to take off everything from the waist down.
Robin said that she had one of these done to her one time and she screamed so loud that she cleared the waiting room. Richard was wearing Homer Simpson underwear so the guys goofed on him about that. Gary said that Richard's ass was pretty hairy and he wasn't even looking that close. Nora said she's actually seen worse. Howard thought that she dry heaved when she saw him though.
Richard laid down on his back and Nora said she was going to clean off his area with some antiseptic. Robin thought that he looked kind of small so Nora said that he was a little smaller than normal. She put some powder on his area and Richard said that it smelled good. Howard described what was going on and noticed that Nora kind of brushed against Richard's penis. She said she has to do that when she's doing this.
Nora put on the wax and then started to rip off the hair. Richard was moaning and groaning because he didn't know she was about to start. Gary said that it ripped out all of the hair and it was as clean as a baby's bottom. Nora did a few more rips and Richard was yelling in pain. He was also starting to bleed a little bit. Nora warned him that she was going to get closer to the shaft. She started to do that and Richard was screaming out in pain even more. She pulled some hair off the sides of his shaft and then applied more wax to rip the hair off. She didn't hesitate at all and kept Richard screaming out in pain over and over again.
Artie said that Richard looked like a giant baby sitting there screaming and kicking his legs around. Nora pulled the hair off of Richard's balls and it sounded like it hurt worse than any of the other pulls. Richard wanted to keep going because he wanted to get it over with. He was in a lot of pain when she pulled the ball hair off. Howard asked him if he wanted to stop. Richard just wanted to get it over with. The noises that were coming out of Richard were pretty funny so Howard and Artie were laughing their asses off. It was the ball sack that was really painful.
Howard asked Richard to stop but Richard wanted to get it all done because it would look odd if he didn't. Nora kept going and Richard kept yelling. He was anticipating the pulling off of the air and would ramp up on the screaming as it came. His balls were bleeding and she didn't think it was all that much. Richard had some bat wings going because his balls were so clean. The blood was making them stick to his thighs.
Artie said that watching his legs going up and down was hilarious. Nora was putting some lotion on Richard's area down there and it looked like she was giving him a hand job. She then ripped some hair off of the top of his shaft. Richard said the bottom of his balls was the worst pain. She went to the side of his penis and ripped the hair off which made Richard make some very odd noises. He was as clean as a whistle according to Gary.
Nora went to Richard's ass and told him to hold on. Richard said it really wasn't as bad as he expected down there. Then she went right in around his hole and pulled out the hair. Then she went for the taint. Richard wasn't as in much pain as it sounded like he was earlier. She pulled the hair out of his taint and asked if he wanted the hair off of his ass. He said he just wanted it even around there. She went back for his hole and pulled out some stubborn hairs. She went down below his balls again and he was yelling out in pain once again. Even stranger sounds were coming out of him as that was going on.
Artie told Richard he looked like a fruit now. She pulled some hair off his ass cheeks and Richard said it wasn't that painful. He also told Nora that he had farted a little while before that but it was a silent one. Howard wanted to give Richard a sentence to say while he was getting the hair pulled. Howard asked him to say ''The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain...'' He tried it but it came out kind of rough.
Nora missed some hair on Richard's balls so she went back there and tried to get them out. Richard sounded like he was being beaten or whipped every time she pulled out the hair. Howard said he wants to put an embargo on the pictures Jason was taking until they put this on Howard Stern On Demand. Nora was still pulling hair off of Richard's balls as the guys were restraining him. He was shaking making even stranger noises as it went along.
Nora said that she would normally tweeze some of the stubborn hair. She poured some antiseptic on his area and that made Richard scream out even more than he was during the hair pulling. She then put on some soothing lotion and some powder. Richard said that the pain was so bad that it didn't even feel good when Nora was putting the lotion on. Richard stood up to show the guys what he looked like. Howard said it looked ridiculous. Robin said that Richard's balls were bright read like he had a light bulb down there. Artie said it looked like he had Red Buttons in a leg lock.
Richard said he will never do this again, he'd rather shave down there. He also said that he respects women even more now that he knows what they have to go through. Howard gave Nora another plug for her web site SkinBeautyLounge.com. Nora said that she actually waxes herself so she's very clean down below. Robin said that he really did look like a big baby getting changed during the whole thing.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that the cringe factor was about as high as the time Steve O stapled his balls to his leg. Howard wondered who the first guy was who actually had that done because they must have felt like their balls were getting pulled off. Another caller asked Richard if he thought it was worth it to get that done. Howard thought it looked ridiculous and it couldn't be worth it. Richard said that it wasn't that bad and he will like being able to clean that area so easy.
Robin asked Richard if he gets off on pain. Richard said he does a little bit. The guys said that his penis looked like a rooster's neck. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked if Richard was okay. He said he was fine. Howard took a call from another guy who said that Richard has to dip his balls in alcohol every hour. Nora said that's not true. Richard said that was the most painful part of the whole thing when she poured the alcohol on his balls.
A couple of guys called in and said that they've tried to have that done but they had to bail out because it was so painful. Howard wrapped up with Nora and Richard a short time later.
Goo Goo Dolls Gay Wednesday. 9/23/98. 7:40am
The Goo Goo Dolls actually showed up! If you've been following this saga you know that Howard said the Goo Goo Dolls were going to do the show. Howard wanted them to sing their song ''Iris'' with gay guys dancing around. They backed out of the appearance so Howard put his foot down and demanded that they come on. His station stopped playing Goo Goo Dolls songs. Well they finally agreed to come in so Howard was prepared for ''Gay Wednesday.'' Howard spoke to the band before they played. They claim that they didn't know anything about the big controversy until the sister of one of the guys called up and said Howard was being mean to them. They didn't seem to mind doing any of this stuff. Howard and Gary were dressed in sailor outfits and Jackie and Fred were in thongs. Howard wanted to do a reenactment of a scene from the movie ''Philadelphia'' with Tom Hanks. Then Howard had comedian Jon Stewart come in. He was also dressed as a sailor. Vin the retard, KC, Elephant Boy, Scott DePace and a bunch of gay guys were also dressed in thongs and sailor outfits. Howard had everyone pair up to do the dancing while the Goo Goo Dolls performed. Some of the couples were:
Howard Impressed With Top 40 Radio Host JoJo. 09/13/10. 8:10am
Howard said he was on Steve Kingston's Facebook page the other day and he linked to a clip of a guy who was doing a top 40 radio show and the guy is really wild. Howard said the guy had everything going on and he just wouldn't be able to do that kind of thing himself. Howard played some audio of this guy's air check and it was pretty wild. Howard said he was dancing around and looks like a nebish.
Howard said you have to look up this guy JoJo on YouTube. Howard said the guy is doing everything in these clips. Howard played more of it and said he would have a nervous breakdown doing a show like that. Howard said he's playing all of the clips and the music and it's amazing. Howard said he would be afraid of screwing something up. Howard said he feels embarrassed of the production values of his own show after seeing that.
Howard said he has been doing radio for 35 years now and he can't even do anything close to what that guy does. Howard said he looks relaxed doing it too. Howard said they say that the clip is from 1987 but the guy must be dead by now. Howard said he had to be on meth to do a show like that. Howard said he couldn't possibly put something like that together himself.
Howard said he wants to try doing this but he needs guys to help him out yelling and stuff. Howard said this guy is dancing and having a blast doing it. Howard said nothing bothers him. Howard said the guy looks like your dad too. The Howard TV guys put up a picture of him but Howard told them to take it down because it was going to distract him.
Howard played more of the audio and tried to do an impression of the guy. He was kind of doing it but said he was exhausted doing it. He said his chest hurt from yelling. Howard asked if he sounded anything close to what the guy did. Robin said it was kind of close but he didn't have the enthusiasm that JoJo did.
Howard tried again while Fred threw in a bunch of audio clips. Howard was yelling over the clips and was out of breath after about 10 seconds of it. Howard said this guy really has something there. He said he's really good at what he does. Howard said he was very tight.
Howard said the guy's name was JoJo Kincaid. He said he felt like he had to go to the hospital after doing that.
In the clip Howard had Richard in the studio and complained about how he stunk from perfume. Howard said Richard hugged Fred and Fred recoiled. Richard said he brought bagels and juice. Howard asked how many calories there are in a bagel. Richard said he also brought juice. He said a bagel is 2 bread cards. Howard said he heard that Richard brought his cards when he went out to dinner with Robin. Richard said he saved them up all day so he could eat bread. Richard said a bagel is two bread cards.
Howard said he had to do some commercials. Richard wanted to hug him. Howard told him to sit down because he smells. Howard eventually got the hug. He said he really smells. Richard said it was Carolina Herrera and it smells great. Howard said it really smells. Robin said guys pour that in their hands and put it all over.
Howard asked Richard if there are pictures of naked bus boys on his deal-a-meal cards. Richard was ready to walk out. Howard told him to sit down. He made another joke about Cub Scouts being on the cards and Richard got even more upset.
Howard said they'll find out more about Richard after the break. Richard said he got more Barbie dolls for his daughters. Howard told him to stop it.
Robin said Richard pulled out his cards and started going through them at the restaurant last night. Howard said he doesn't want that affected voice he puts on when they go out to dinner. Richard started to walk out again. Howard said they have to take a break and come back with Richard. Howard had him speaking in a deeper, lower voice.
After an edited out break Howard complained about stinking from the perfume he wears. Howard asked why he wears that. Richard said that Arnold Schwarzenegger wears it. Howard said that's the get the smell of Maria Shriver off of him.
Howard asked Robin what she was wearing when she went to meet Richard in his hotel. Richard said they were wearing the same thing so he had to change. Richard said he has to show Howard the number 1 selling doll at FAO Schwartz. He bought it for Howard. Howard asked why he would do that. Howard made a comment about how he doesn't have Dalmations to replace children in his home. Richard said he loves his dogs like children.
Howard asked what play they went to see. Richard said he wants him to do something first. He said he wants him to remove the velcro back. Then he wants him to slip off the top. Howard said he'll do it. Howard looked at the doll and he said Richard must have done something with it. The doll shook and scared Howard. Richard said it's called Baby Quivers because it shakes when you take the clothes off. Howard said this isn't on TV so no one can see it. Howard said he's going to throw it out. Howard threw it in the garbage as Richard yelled at him.
Richard said he has to see this doll. He said he has to put the top back on so it stops quivering. Howard said it's a piece of garbage. Jackie said it's a vibrator. Howard said he knows what Richard was doing with that last night.
Howard asked Robin what she wore last night. Robin said she was braless and had pants on. Howard asked if Richard was braless. He said he was just kidding and Richard asked why he has to say such mean things.
Howard said this doll is very odd. He said Richard brings in stuff and he always sings loud songs. Robin said he knows every Broadway song and he will start singing if you bring something up that has to do with a song. Robin said she had to ask him not to do that last night.
Robin said they got to the show just before curtain so he didn't have a chance to talk to people there. Robin said he opens an office and does counseling when he goes out.
Richard said they met a woman last night who asked for help with her 6 year old. Howard said she should help him herself. He said she just has to cut back on what he eats. Howard said she's probably feeding the kid sweets and those Fruit Roll Ups. Howard said they're not good for you.
Richard asked Howard if he'll help him out by paying half for a VCR. Howard said he's not interested in that. Richard said he'll do it himself then.
Robin said they were out and a song was playing on a radio. She said they turned it off and Richard kept singing the song. Howard said that's embarrassing. Robin said that he also whoops when he's out. Howard asked why he does that. He figured he just wants to be noticed. Howard asked Richard to do it for them so he can hear it.
Howard asked what happened to the movie he was doing with Jm J Bullock. Richard didn't answer. Howard did an impression of what it might sound like. Richard said there just wasn't time for that. Howard said he's busy in Century Village.
Howard played a bit they put together using clips of Richard and Fred talking like a gay guy in it. Howard said it was a Richard Simmons walking tape. Howard said it sounds x-rated to him. Richard said that's the most horrible thing he's ever done to him. He demanded that Howard hand over the tape. Howard kept playing it. Richard kept demanding he hand it over. Howard kept it going. Richard said again that it was the most horrible thing. He said Howard took his tape and edited it.
Howard asked Richard about coming to his house tonight. He played more of the walking tape and Richard complained more about that. Howard said he had to take a break. He asked Robin more about what Richard was doing at dinner the night before. Robin told Howard about Richard wooing. Howard asked if Paul Allen was in the audience too. Richard was about to walk out again.
After an edited out commercial break Howard came back and said he's thinking about Richard coming over and he hopes he keeps his genitals in. He said he should wear something other than his shorts. Richard said he had something made. Howard said he has a watermelon in his pants. Howard goofed around with him for a minute on that and took another break.
After the edited out break Howard came back and Richard said he has to call this guy who is a big fan of the show. He said he's a big fan of Howard's. He said that he wants to talk to Howard. He showed Howard a picture of the guy. Howard said he's a young, handsome man. Howard asked what the lesions on his arms are. Richard said they're tattoos. He told him to call the guy. He said his name is Mark. Howard made the call but it wasn't to the actual guy. He called someone he knew instead. Richard said that's terrible. Howard said it was Mike in the back and he didn't play along.
Howard called the actual Mark and Richard was yelling as he was talking to him. Howard said he could yell out the window with that voice and he'd hear him. Howard asked Mark if he has ever met Richard. Mark said he hasn't. He said he just wrote him a letter. Howard asked if he likes the way Richard looks in shorts. Richard said he just said he was a fan of Howard's. Howard asked if he has ever seen him in his shorts. Mark was joking around about that. Howard asked if he is chewing on the phone as they speak. Richard told him to be nice to him.
Howard asked what kind of junk he was eating. Mark told Howard he was eating really crappy. Howard said all he had to do was get himself together and cut back. Mark said it was Howard who inspired him to lose the weight. Robin said he should go into the fat control business. Howard said he wishes he could. He said he'd make 16 billion like Richard has. Howard said he would like 3 million to retire and he'll help people out. Howard said he would like someone to do that for him. Howard asked how he gets into his will. Howard asked who his money is going to. Richard said his money goes to his mother. Howard said his mom won't be there forever. Richard told him not to say that. He said he'll keep her alive forever. Howard said he'll have her mummified in the basement like Norman Bates.
Howard was goofing on Mark again and Richard started to walk out. Howard told him to take the directions to his house. Howard said he actually left. Howard said Richard is a good guy though. Howard said he's not sure why he's talking to Mark if Richard is gone.
After another edited out break Howard had Richard Belzer in the studio. Richard said Richard Simmons was sitting downstairs smiling so that whole thing must have been an act.
Artie's Emotional Friend Impression. 10/01/07. 6:15am
Howard took some more phone calls and one guy was talking about some of the great stuff that went on last week on the show. He asked what they had coming up this week. Howard mentioned the Dr. Keith Ablow thing they're doing with Sal and Christine today. Gary said that Dr. Keith was asking if Christine's emotional friend was going to be coming in today. That's not supposed to happen but it would make for an interesting show. The guys asked Howard who he'd rather have on the show today, the emotional friend of some huge celebrities. Howard said that he might have to go with the Emotional Friend no matter what.
Howard asked if the emotional friend was going to show up and Artie started to do his impression that he was doing last week. He does the emotional friend voice as Henry Hill. He cracks jokes and does his Henry Hill laugh after telling the jokes. Howard had him going for a couple of minutes and Artie had Howard cracking up at the stuff he was saying.
Artie was goofing on some of the stuff that Sal does while his wife stays home and talks to her emotional friend as he was doing this impression. Howard kept him going and figured he had to stop at some point. He was laughing quite a bit during that segment. Howard said that Sal is in his office pasting ''Mets Suck'' signs in Gary's office while that is going on.
The caller that was on the line started to sing the song about Beth that the guy sent in for Howard last week. Howard said he got a lot of feedback about that and people thought he was singing it on his own, they didn't know that it was a song that someone sent in for him to sing. He said they just missed the whole joke.
Sour Shoes Prank Calling Steve Langford. 10/14/08. 9:50am
After the break we heard a prank call Sal and Richard pulled on someone who called the wrong number. Fred also played some Eric Clapton ''Presence of the Lord'' as they were coming back. Howard sang along to that a little bit. Howard wondered if Eric Clapton is a Jesus freak or something. Robin said he did go through rehab stuff so maybe that got him into that.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his news preview. He said he didn't realize that Steve gets calls from Sour Shoes about 100 times a day. Steve said that he has work to do back there and he has had about 300 calls from the guy. Howard said that they have tape of Steve answering the guy. Steve said he can't get work done with him calling so many times.
Howard played the montage of calls that Sour Shoes has done over the past 2 years or so. Steve said that some would call it harassment and maybe against the law. Howard said that's the classic mistake to make, getting upset about prank calls. In the calls Sour Shoes is singing songs about Langford's huge cock. Steve listens for a second and then hangs up.
Howard said that Sour Shoes can be really annoying doing this stuff. He said that he used to follow him around all the time on the street so he had to pull him aside and ask him to stop.
Howard played more of Sour Shoes' calls and he'll leave a message for Steve saying ''I'm busy right now, I'll call you back.'' Howard said that it's really annoying with Sour Shoes making those odd sounds in the background. Steve asked Sour Shoes to put his parents on the line so he could talk to them. Then he hangs up on Steve and calls back as his dad Frank. Steve then tells the guy that his son is making phone calls to people. Steve said that there have been about 300 in the past couple of weeks. He asks him not to call anymore and Shoes just calls right back and sings about his monster fat penis. Langford tells Sour Shoes that he wants him to go to jail over this. Sour Shoes just keeps singing.
Howard told Steve that he can't lecture the guy. Steve said he can't get any work done. Howard asked Sour Shoes to stop calling. Gary then came in and said that this is actually Richard and Sal calling Steve with clips of Sour Shoes on top of Sour Shoes making the calls.
Sal came in and said that he and Richard would get Sour Shoes on the phone and have him prank Steve. Then they just had Sour Shoes record a bunch of stuff and cut it up so they can prank call him. High Pitch Mike came in and said that he's seen Steve throwing the phone on the floor from this.
Sal said that Mike was there spy who would call them and let them know when Steve was at his desk. Howard told Steve to never lecture the prank callers.
Howard said he heard that Jason and Will are upset with Steve for killing a Page 69 story. Steve said he never kills stories. Will came in and said that they had a story about Scott DePace and Steve went to DePace and asked him about this story that they were going to do. Will said that DePace denied the details but that was in the back office and they should be doing it on the air.
Steve said that he went to Brad, the News Director, and told him he had to ask Scott his side of the story. He said that Scott's story was the opposite of what the Page 69 story was. Will said that it would have been fun to have that conversation on the air, not in the back office. Howard cut them off and had Steve get to his news preview.
Radio Wars That No One Knows About. 04/06/11. 6:25am
Howard said he ran out of time yesterday and didn't talk about this great story. He said there are shows on black radio that no one knows about. He said there's a DJ there called Mr. Cee who is on Hot 97. He said this guy said he was getting a blow job from a tranny in a car and in black radio that doesn't go over very well. Howard said the black community is going to pounce on you for something like that. He said that Funkmaster Flex is on Power 105 and he got on the air to talk about that. JD came in and told Howard more about what was going on. He said they're the rivals to Hot 97.
Howard corrected himself and said that Funkmaster Flex is on Hot 97. Howard said he used to listen to him actually. He said that Flex and Mr. Cee are on the same station. The Power 105 group were making fun of Mr. Cee so Flex got upset with them. Howard said he has no idea what the fuck is going on over there. Howard said this is like Rwanda to him.
Howard played some of the Power 105 group talking about Mr. Cee getting arrested for receiving fellatio from a man in his vehicle. They goofed on Mr. Cee about what he did and said it was okay to be gay but still goofed on him.
Howard said when you're black you can't be doing that without catching some crap. He said you keep it on the down low or you get goofed on. Howard played more of the audio and the Power 105 morning show were still goofing on Mr. C.
Howard said this guy on Power 105 spoke to someone named Charlemagne and they compiled a list of things they have heard the other show say about them. JD was explaining to Howard what's going on with the two stations and who everyone was.
Howard said all of this heavy stuff is going on and no one gives a shit except for these guys. He played more of the audio and they were talking about how they had pictures and information on all of these people. Howard said Lisa G used to work over at Hot 97 and for Power 105 so he wondered if they had information on her too.
Robin said she's pretty sure that the guys on the show can speak the King's English and the accent they're putting on is fake.
Howard said he knows that you get your ass kicked if you're gay in the black community. Robin said they might be making up the story about how they have files on these people.
Howard said Funkmaster Flex got upset about them making fun of Mr. Cee so he came to the said of Mr. C. Howard played some of the audio of that. Flex was playing bombing sounds and going off on the other station. Howard said you'll hear the bombs going off because it's like he's in a war. Flex said they don't discriminate against anyone. He had the explosions going off behind him as he explained that Mr. Cee is not guilty. He said that the rumors about him were not true. Howard said he needs to have some gun fire behind him. Then Flex tells them to turn off the bomb sound.
Flex goes on to say that he's going to lose the friendship today and he knows everything that moves in that building. Howard said sometimes these guys end up shooting each other when they say the wrong thing. Howard jokingly said the WMCA Good Guys had a shoot out once.
Howard played more of the audio of Funkmaster Flex talking about the other station and how he knows what the people like and don't like over there. Then he had his guy play another bomb sound effect. Howard said he's thinking about having the two shows in there to work out their issues. He said he would like to get them on there. He said he wants to bring them all together. He said he wants the Power 105 Breakfast Club, Funkmaster Flex and Mr. C. Robin said they'll need some real security in there then. Howard said he'll have more than just Ronnie.
Gary said Lisa G was texting him through all of this telling him about all of the players. Howard said she should be in there right now. He said this is the time to talk about it.
Howard played more of Flex talking about how he's willing to lose his friendship with those others. He said they will never win and they can keep taking pot shots at them. Flex kept having his guy play the sound effect and would tell him to turn it off. Howard wondered who the bomb guy was.
Lisa G came in and said she knows what's going on there. She worked for both stations so she knows how it works. Howard said Lisa is very white so he wondered how she got that job. Lisa said they would call people names over there and they would call out Mr. Cee for years about this stuff. She said that Wendy Williams used to call out Mr. C.
Howard played more of Funkmaster Flex going off on the Power 105 show but not mentioning who he was talking about. He went on and on about this situation and kept repeating himself about how he was ready to end that friendship.
Howard said it's funny because no one cares about these wars. Robin said they used to do the same thing. Howard said it was so meaningless. Howard said they used to plot against other stations and it really didn't make a difference. Howard said they thought they were the best when he was working at WCCC in Hartford. They used to plot against other stations that were better than them. Howard talked about what that was like and how dumb it was. He and Fred used to go to meetings about WHCN up there. He said the program director would tell them to break at the same time the other station was breaking. He said he had too much pressure on him already and now he had to beat them back to the music.
Gary said there was a book that came out a couple of years after the guy cut the wire at their remote broadcast. He said they wrote about the meetings they used to have where they were plotting against the other stations.
Lisa left so Howard had her come back. He asked her one question but told her he could see she knows nothing so he told her she could leave. He wondered which side she was on in this war. She came back again. Lisa said she's siding with Power 105 in this war. She said she's doing that because Mr. Cee was leading a double life and he got caught. Howard said black guys have it tough when they're gay though. Lisa said Funkmaster Flex sounds angry and the Power 105 people are just having fun with it. Howard said he can't believe Lisa has a side in this. Gary walked out too so he called him back in.
Gary told him about the Cleveland wire cutting incident and how they used to have meetings about what they could do to ruin their broadcasts. Howard said they should have been worried about doing good radio instead of ruining good radio. He said the funny thing is that they made him bigger when they did those stupid things.
Howard played more of Funkmaster Flex talking to the Power 105 people and getting all fired up. Howard said the Power 105 people aren't intimidated by that so they took it as him acting like a pro wrestler. They called him out and said he sounds like ''Flex Hogan.'' They said he can huff and puff but the only one getting blown down is Mr. Cee by a transsexual. Lisa laughed hard at that joke. The Power 105 crew were goofing on Flex and Mr. C. They said that he's doing these ''subliminals'' and that's so 1990s. They said it's 2011 and they should be speaking directly. They were ready for the war. Howard said it sounds like they were using the same bomb sound effect on that show. Lisa said that Shuli has the same sound effect there.
Lisa said there's a code of respect that these guys are breaking so that's not good. Howard said this is a real war then. Lisa said they're stepping over the line. Howard said he'll keep Robin up on this story. Robin said they're like the Talk Soup of black radio. Lisa said it would be so great to get them all in there.
Howard said he wants to get all of these guys in the studio to work things out. He said they'll get the bomb sound effect and use that. Lisa said she'll email Angela and try to get things going. Lisa said she's on it.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said that Funkmaster Flex is the phoniest guy out there. He said he doesn't talk like that in real life. He said the only real one is Charlemagne. He said he's about the ''realest'' of the group. He said that everyone else is a phony. King said they have mug shots of the guy that was allegedly with Mr. Cee on some web site.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he can't believe that Lisa has never fucked a black guy. He said he was forced to listen to that stuff when he had to go to some place. He was being very cryptic. He said he was in a program for fucked up people. He was in some kind of rehab but he wasn't saying what it was. Howard tired to get the story out of him but he was being very vague. Howard said no one knows how he is so he can talk. His name was Andy but no one knew his last name. Howard asked what he did. Andy finally said he was doing crack and he was robbing people. He said he would mug people. Andy said he had to get high so he would mug people. He said he was mugging dealers. Howard asked him if he had a crew that helped him out. He said he did have a crew that would work with him. Howard asked if he's living a straight life now. He said he is and he's been clean for 17 years. He said he's got a wife and family now so he doesn't mess around with that.
Howard said he had to go because he forgot what he was going to ask the guy. The caller asked why he doesn't play any games. Howard said he just played one the other day. He said he needs money to give away. Howard said he thinks that people would get upset with him if he let this guy play since he used to rob people. He said he was a bad mother fucker. He said he bets that he robbed other people and not just the dealers.
Howard said he just remembered what he wanted to talk about with that guy. He had mentioned he was forced to listen to that radio when he was in that ''program.'' Howard said that's what's going on in the radio wars. He said he'll keep everyone informed. He said he might have to start a war with Cousin Brucie. He did his Brucie impression for a minute. Howard had the bomb sounds and some gun fight sound clips that he threw in there as he and Brucie were fighting. Howard went back and forth with himself and Cousin Brucie impression. He went to break a short time later.
Hip Hop Radio Wars Update. 04/14/11. 6:40am
Howard was goofing around with some bomb sound effects like Funkmaster Flex was doing on his show recently. Howard explained that and what was going on with Mr. Cee getting arrested and another station making fun of him. He said Funkmaster Flex defended Mr. Cee and did the bomb thing on his show. Howard said he was going to broker a meeting with them but Flex got upset with him for even getting into it.
Howard said Power 105 announced the other day that they had made a truce with Mr. Cee and Funkmaster Flex. He said he didn't know the details of the deal but he had audio of them talking about it. Howard played some audio of the Power 105 crew talking about the fight and goofing on Funkmaster Flex.
Howard said he was thinking about this woman who drove herself into the river with her kids. Howard said he read about the 10 year old and how he actually escaped from the car. He said they had said the mother had let him out of the car but it turns out he had to swim out the window. Howard said this kid is a survivor. He swam out of the car with the knowledge of his brothers and sisters dying in there. Howard said the kid got out of the water and a good Samaritan picked him up and took him to the police station. Howard said he told the police the story and that's how it went down. Howard said that's an amazing story.
Howard got back to the Hip Hop wars thing and listened to the audio of the Power 105 crew talking about the white flag that was thrown in and how they're done with the whole thing. They were still goofing on Flex about the ''Hit that bomb!'' thing. They had a song parody made up for the ''Hit that bomb! Turn that bomb off!'' Howard said that was the end of the hip hop war. They didn't need him.
After all of that nonsense Howard moved on to talk to King of all Blacks. King, a garbage man, brought in a bunch of garbage for Howard and the rest of the crew to check out. He had 4 cans of stuff and he wanted them to figure out if it was from a Spanish, Jewish, White or Black family. He showed the first can and told everyone that it contained pieces of wood, beer bottles (Budweiser), CD jewel cases and some other crap. No one guessed right so KoaB told them it was from a Hispanic family.
The second can contained coffee grinds, flavored seltzer water, lettuce, diet Coke, grapefruit, port wine, calendars and old newspapers. Howard guessed that it was from a Jewish home but it was from a plain old white family... white trash.
The third can contained corn flakes, Dunkin Donuts muffins, Entenmanns cakes, chips ahoy, Chinese food, flour and grape juice. This was from a Jewish family.
The final can was from a black family so Howard just had KoaB tell them what was in the can. It had a mayonnaise container, syrup, hot dogs, soda (not diet), butter and grape jelly among other things.
Howard spent a couple of minutes taking phone calls and talking to King about some of the things that go on picking up garbage.
Fred The Elephant Boy Soils Himself. 09/12/05. 6:45am
After the break Howard came back and said that they would have Kelly Monaco in at around 7:30 this morning. His hair was a mess this morning because he doesn't have his hair stylist anymore since the E! show is gone. Artie wondered if it would have been obvious if he had hired her back just for Kelly today. Robin talked about seeing Dr. Phil out at the U.S. Open over the weekend and it appears that he dyes the hair around his bald spot. She thought that was pretty hysterical.
Howard said that Gary made an appearance this weekend and no one showed up. Gary said he had about 200 people show up when he made an appearance up in Boston and almost none at this place he was at over the weekend. High Pitch Eric and Fred the Elephant Boy showed up but that was about it. Gary said that there was a stench coming off of Elephant Boy and he may have soiled himself. Gary said the smell just about knocked him over. Gary said that he didn't want to believe that it was him but once he left, the smell was gone. The guys were wondering what went on there and why he would show up to an appearance like that. Gary tried to get away from the stink but Fred wouldn't let him be. Gary went back in the office and had the guys call Fred so they could find out what went on.
Fred the Elephant Boy was on the phone but there was some audio coming over the line because he has problems with his line. He gets an AM station coming over the line somehow so he had to switch phones. Howard said the guy has a lot of problems today. He put him on hold so he could get a different phone. Gary said that Fred has been using a fanny pack for years and it's gotten bigger now so it's like the size of a purse. Fred was back on the line a minute later. He told Howard that he did have a problem that day and he didn't have any notice for that mess to come. Howard wanted to know how something like that happens and why he would stay there like that. Fred said that he messed his pants about the time he was getting to the appearance as he was coming in on the train. He didn't bother to turn around and go home though. Howard asked him if he considered going home. Fred said that he thought about it but wanted to see if he could stick around for a little while at the appearance. As he was asking Fred about this, the delay was hit a couple of times. Fred was telling Howard that he didn't stay at the appearance for too long like that but he did stick around for a few minutes.
Howard said it must have been uncomfortable for Fred to stand there with the stuff in his pants. Fred said he did stop at a bathroom and tried to clean himself up a little bit before he got there. He had stopped at a supermarket and did that. Fred also told Howard that he was standing up on the train when he soiled himself so that's why it ran down his leg and stayed on his pants. Howard asked him if he even thought about buying new underwear while he was there. Fred mumbled something and explained why he didn't do that. Gary told Howard that they have pictures of his brown stains that they'll put up on the web site later this morning. He also said that he couldn't look at Fred in the face and kept stepping backwards whenever Fred could step closer to him. Fred noticed that but didn't know that he had stains on his pants. Robin said that he had to have been aware of what was going on because he had stripped down in the bathroom when he cleaned himself up. She thinks that maybe he had a second accident when he got to the appearance Gary was making. Gary said that he wasn't even positive that it was Fred that stunk like that but the crew that was with him at the appearance knew it was him. Gary also said that there was a blue tarp at the car dealer he was at and Fred used the tarp to clean himself up a little bit. He said that one of the girls there told him what was going on and how they saw him wiping his leg on the tarp. That all went on before he even got there. Gary thought that Fred had gotten there before him but Fred thought that it was after.
Howard thought it was funny that only two people showed up to the appearance and Gary had to send one of them home. Robin thinks that this must happen to Fred a lot because of the way he reacted to the whole situation. Fred was getting excited and said that it doesn't happen and when he saw the frickin tarp, he used it to wipe himself. He could smell himself but still didn't leave the appearance. Gary said that one of the people from the K-Rock Street team was being very sweet by not telling Fred to get out of there. Howard wondered if there were flies around Fred's ass while he was standing there. Gary told him how bad the smell was and how he had to keep moving around to try and get away from the smell. Fred said that he headed home after about a half hour and he had to get back on the train to do that. He went home and washed his clothes. Howard asked him to save the pants so they could put them in his Howard Stern Museum some day. Fred thought that he had cleaned them up too much to send them to the museum. Fred wasn't sure what was wrong with him that day and why he messed his pants. Howard told him he can't go walking around the train cars after doing something like that.
Gary told Howard that Fred had shaken his hand that day and once he found out about the mess in his pants, he ran into the bathroom to wash his hands. Howard said that he would have gone to a hotel room, rented a room and taken a shower to clean himself up. Fred could have gone to a store to buy new pants. Fred thought there was nothing around there but Gary said there was. He went on to tell the story about how he went to wash his hands in the bathroom and how there was no soap in there. He eventually got some hand sanitizer and then found some soap in a different bathroom where he scrubbed his hands in the hottest water he could. Gary wasn't even mad at Fred, he was just wondering what he was doing there after messing his pants like that. Fred said he did head home but the guys reminded him that he spent a half hour there before he headed home. Fred said he just wanted to say hello to Gary, that's why he went there. He was afraid he would miss out on that if he didn't go. Robin told him to keep some baby wipes in that fanny pack of his from now on. Howard told him that the fanny pack doesn't work for him either. Howard suggested that he just use the fanny pack as a toilet from now on.
A caller told Howard that this was the funniest bit they've done. Fred said he was happy that he had amused the caller. Howard said they'll have pictures of his pants, sock and the tarp where he wiped himself off on his web site later today. Gary told Howard how bad the smell was that day and how they knew that it had to have been him that smelled. Artie said he knew a guy who was great at silent farts that smelled awful and he would go up to a group of people at a bar and let one go. A few minutes later they'd watch as the people disbursed from the smell. Gary revealed that Fred had been wearing shorts that day, Howard had no idea they were shorts, he thought they were long pants. That was even worse. They talked about that for a few seconds before Howard wrapped up with him and let him off the phone. Howard said that Fred is the best... and he's disgusting. He shouldn't have shown up to the appearance at all. The guys spent a short time talking about how most people would get away from people as fast as possible instead of going to an appearance like that. Howard had to go to break after that.
Sal said they got to a point where Steve stopped picking up. He said that they had to change their number so Steve thought his home number was calling. He said they had help in the newsroom too. Richard said they would have someone tell them when he was on his way to the office. Sal said Mike Morales would call them and let them know Steve was in the office so they could call.
Richard said the sad part is that they pre-recorded all of their stuff. He said that Sour called Steve for a month before that and pranked him and then he taped over it all. He said he had great pranks that he taped over so they're gone forever. He said it ended up working out for them though.
Sal said they heard about Sour calling Steve and they wanted to continue it. Richard said you can't direct Sour over the phone so they just put their phones on record and went to lunch. He said 45 minutes later Sour was still doing his Steve Langford penis songs. Sal said that Sour came up with all of those lines and they just cut them up. Sal said for the next month they called Steve.
Jon said the dad was great too. Sal said Steve asked for Sour's dad so he ran to the back and got a guy to pretend to be his dad. Sal said he explained it to the guy and he did it. He said he's a horrible actor but it worked out great.
Richard said what was great was that Steve didn't know it was them making the calls. He said for the next year or two Steve would walk by them and say ''You're going to jail'' and quote himself from the calls. He said he ended up loving it. Jon said they did such a good job with that.
Benjy said he thought one of his balls was going to come out from the way she was yanking on it. Richard said they're very elastic.
Benjy said he has had waxings before. He said that he likes to disassociate himself from stuff like that. He said that's why he screamed when he got fingered.
Jon asked Sal if he ever got waxed. Sal said he does shave but he never got waxed. He said she shaves his balls and shaft in the shower in the morning. Jon said it must take him 6 hours to get ready in the morning. Sal said he does it every day so it doesn't take that long. He said he just yanks his cock up and holds it like a goose neck. He said that Steve Brandano gets it. He said he must do it too.
Sal started to show the guys what he does. Richard said he is freshly shaven. Sal said he shaves up and then shaves his nuts. He said then he bends over and shaves his taint. Richard said it really is shaved. Benjy said that his balls are really smooth. Jon said they have to take a break. They went to break after that.
Benjy said that his voice is so distinctive that there was no denying it was him. Sal said that whole thing was so funny. Richard asked how they found out about that. Sal said he thought it was a fan sending it to KC. Benjy said he thinks it was before he was there. Richard said he thinks it was January of 1997. Richard said he has a visual of when it happened because he relates it to the work he was doing at the time.
Jon said that Fred is a happy go lucky kind of guy and he doesn't seem to care. Benjy said that no one is competing with him or anything like that. Sal said Gary and Wendy have been through so much and he thinks it's great when someone triumphs over their handicaps and vices. He said that it's joyous and celebratory. He said it's like that with Elephant Boy and both Gary and Wendy the Retards. Sal said that it's infectious and he thinks that's why people like it so much.
Jon said that Fred carries around an aroma with him too. Sal said it's ''Channel No. Shit.'' Richard said that the most interesting smell is from Jeff the Vomit Guy. He said it's indescribable. Richard said that it's not a put down but he has a very interesting smell. Sal said he can smell someone with his eyes closed and that's Big Foot. He said when you watch cops and you see a white trash house you see everything on the floor and that's the smell that Big Foot has. He said it's rotten food and dog manure and things like that. He said you can smell it as soon as he walks in the room. Richard said he used to like going up into his grandmother's attic and that's the smell Big Foot has.
Jon asked if there is anyone there they can identify by smell. Sal said he can identify Gary's shit. He said you smell dog shit and human shit and it's different. He said there is a unique smell with animals at a zoo and Gary has a different smelling shit. He said it has a pungent, vinegary smell that's almost painful. He said it's like someone took a pitchfork and shoved it up your nostrils. Jon asked how they know it's his. Sal and Richard said they have seen Gary come out of the bathroom. He said they go in to piss together and they smell that unique smell. Richard said maybe it's a sign of health. Benjy said there are smells that indicate stuff. Richard said maybe his health is better than everyone else's. Sal said it's beyond shit. He said if a scientist took shit and asked how he could make it 100 times worse, the scientist would still be beat by Gary's shit.
Richard said they did a Howard TV Halloween special once and Sal played Gary eating his own shit to make his breath smell even worse and it was terrible. Jon said they had to take another break after that.
Sal said he'd compare it to a wake and how people are sad at first. He said then you start talking about the good times. He said Artie did his impression and that made it easier on him along with the other things they were doing at the time. Sal said it was a tough time in his life. He said the jokes made it easier.
Jon asked if he thought he was going to make it through it. Sal said he wasn't but his wife was sure. He said his wife told him he was over reacting and he didn't think he was. He said there were a few times when he thought they weren't going to make it.
Jon asked Sal when he knew things were going to be okay. Sal said they got advice from people who have broken up since then. He said he and Christine are still together. Sal said for everything there is a reaction. He said he must have been doing something for her to do what she did. He said he's not blaming himself or even blaming her. He said it was both of them.
Benjy said a lot of people wanted Sal to be mad at her. Benjy said that he's not sure they know enough about what happened to be that way. Sal said it's easier to look at it from the outside. He said there wasn't much to say about it. He said everyone has a right to be angry. He said a lot of people were very sympathetic with Christine too. Sal said he was the one who put out the horrible songs for the show.
Jon said the songs hurt his wife and that in turn makes him not want them played. He said it doesn't take away from the humor of the songs. Sal said he did write another one that he decided to scrap. He said he thought it would hurt his wife even though it was done for humor. He said she might not see it that way. Jon said she was the bud of his joke so that might be why she was upset. Sal said he's right. He said that's insecurity for him. Sal said he has to take someone who loves and respects him and throw them under the bus to get a laugh. He said he doesn't have confidence in himself to do that about himself. Sal said he ends up throwing that person under the bus instead.
Sal said he wanted to take that humor and bring it to another level. He said that was at his wife's expense. He said he had to realize that she didn't deserve it. He said she's still a good sport. He said that he won't do the other song he wrote because he feels it's not right to do.
Benjy asked if he wants to reveal the song to them. Sal said there were a few songs. Benjy asked if it's killing him not to tell them. Sal said the song was to the tune of Light UP My Life and it was ''Light Up My Wife'' and ''douse her in gas and turn her to ash...'' Sal said he could do it and his wife may not have a problem with it but he doesn't think he should do it. Sal said he feels bad about it. He said it's not the right thing to do.
Benjy said that Richard and Sal have a really goof friendship. He said Richard seemed sad as Sal was talking about that. Richard said he was. He said it was very tough for Sal to go through. He said it was tough for Christine too and it was really tough to watch them going through it.
Jon asked if Dr. Ablow helped them. Sal said not really. He said the only person who can help is yourself. Sal said if someone sends him a 143 license plate he will show Christine and they'll both laugh about it.
Benjy asked if he came up with the ''emotional friend'' name. Sal said he found out about it from his wife. Jon said he thinks they popularized it but didn't come up with it.
Jon said he's happy that Sal and Christine have worked things out. Sal said we all strive for happiness. He said that's the meaning of life. He said just try to find happiness. Jon said on that they'll end the show. They were done around 10:55am.
Hypnotist Paul McKenna Hypnotizes Fred. 3/13/01. 9:10am
Hypnotist Paul McKenna came in this morning to try to hypnotize some of the members of the show. The only one that was hypnotizable was Fred. Ron said that he thought the whole thing was just silly and boring so he walked out of the room. The others who Paul tried out just didn't work. So it was up to Paul to put Fred under and make him do wacky things.
The first thing they had Fred think was that he was in a love triangle with Howard and Robin. Paul did his hocus pocus and brought him out by saying ''Eyes open, wide awake, wakie, wakie...'' as he's done many times in the past. Howard then went on to tell Fred that he was sleeping with Robin at the same time as he was. Fred told Howard that he has been seeing her since 1981 or so since they met. Howard said he was also sleeping with her and they argued about it for a couple of minutes.
Howard then had Paul put Fred under again. This time they had Fred take on the personality of Jackie. Paul told Fred that he would take on both physical and psychological characteristics of Jackie that he remembers. ''Eyes open, wide awake, wakie, wakie'' Paul said as he brought him out. Fred then went on to do an impression of Jackie that he's never done before. He wasn't as hyper as usual and he actually had discussions as if he was Jackie. Howard and Robin asked him why he left the show and stuff like that. Howard said he was even taking on the facial characteristics that Jackie has. ''Jackie'' said that now that he's not on the show he's going to go around and dust individual houses. Howard had him sing a little bit of his ''Pot Song'' but ''Jackie'' said he forgot the words because he's so old. Fred started laughing at himself sometimes.
Howard had Paul put him under again so they could try something else. They talked about it and settled on having him become Robin. Paul did his thing again and out he came as Robin. He took on the Robin accent and spoke to Howard for a short time. He got confused when he saw the real Robin so Howard told him it was a Robin impersonator.
Howard then had Paul make Fred become Howard. As soon as Fred came out of it he turned his back on Howard and looked at Robin. He tried to ignore Howard, who was supposed to be Fred, but he didn't have control of the microphone. He kept telling ''Fred'' to turn off his mike so he could have Robin do the news.
Howard took some phone calls and people told him it was a really funny bit. A few people don't believe in it but it really was funny. Ralph called in and said it was funny and suggested that Fred become Stuttering John. They did that quickly but there wasn't much material. It sounded like replays of a bunch of ''Best Of'' shows with the arguments they had.
Fred then became Gary for a short time. Once again, it sounded like old shows being replayed. Paul then turned Fred into a Martian. He spoke in babble that no one could understand. He was able to sing a little bit in English though. The only words you could understand were ''I can't believe I am what I am''. He said he has sex through his ear on Mars.
Next up was Crazy Cabbie. Fred became Cabbie for a short time and did a pretty good impression of him as they talked about his tattoos and stuff like that.
Howard was done with Fred so they took him out of the hypnosis. Fred said it was a great feeling and he really wasn't just ''acting''. He didn't have time to get into more detail.
Someone asked Paul if he ever hypnotizes celebrities. Paul said he actually does hypnotize some celebs. He said a few months ago he hypnotized Darryl Hannah so that she wouldn't have stage fright. He said it worked for her. He didn't mention any other celebrity names though. Even if you don't believe in the hypnosis thing, the segment was funny.
Mammary Lane - Who Cries On The Stern Show - June 30, 1992. 03/18/10. 9:25am
Next up was Jon and Gary introducing a segment where Howard and Robin talked about crying for various reasons. The segment was from June 30, 1992. Here's a quick synopsis:
In the clip Robin was reading some news and asked Howard if he had ever cried. Howard said he did when he was a kid but not much as an adult. Howard said he cried when his grandfather died and he didn't go to his funeral. He said he cried once in college too. He said he also cried when he realized he was stuck with Fred forever.
Howard said he cried over his grandfather for not going to his funeral. Howard said he should have been there. Howard said everyone told him not to bother going so he didn't. Then he felt guilty and cried. He said he started throwing things into a wall and tears came. He said he kind of cried when Robin decided to cut her boobs. He said they were needless tears though because they are great the way they are now.
Howard said in college he cried that one time but that was it for crying. Robin said he never cries then. Howard said he hasn't cried since his grandfather died. Howard said he never really does. Robin asked if he holds back the tears. Howard said he does that sometimes. He said he saw a guy on the Jerry Lewis Telethon one time that made him want to cry. The guy wasn't able to move anything. He said he communicates by winking. Howard said he almost cried at a Sting song too but he held back on that one too. Howard said he almost cried at the end of ''Ghost'' but he held back on that when he convinced himself it was just a movie.
Howard asked Fred if he cries. Fred said he does. Howard asked how often he does. Fred said he has been moved to tears while listening to songs and watching movies. Robin said she never thought Fred would cry like that. Howard asked what makes him cry. Fred said the last couple of times were movies. He said that the movie ''Orphans'' made him cry. He said the ending was heart wrenching. He told Howard what the movie was about and what it was that made him cry.
Howard asked Jackie if he cries. Jackie said he does too. He'll even cry at funny movies. Howard said Robin cries too. Robin said of course she does. Howard asked Jackie when he last cried. Jackie wasn't sure. He said it happens a lot though. He said he gets choked up a lot and the gushers come once in a while.
Howard asked Robin what she cried over last. Robin said it was probably a movie. Howard asked if anyone cries in real life. Fred said that you think about stuff in your past that makes you cry. Robin said that the Wonder Years made her cry last. She said it was the wedding of the girl in the family and it made her cry.
Howard said the whole crew is an emotional wreck. Howard asked if she's going to cry at Gary's wedding. Robin said she might. She said she almost cried when Fred got engaged. She has cried when she has an orgasm once in a while. Howard said he knew that.
Robin told Howard about putting her ''little sister'' on a train one time and that made her cry. Howard said Robin does good things outside of the show. The rest of them don't. Howard said Robin was part of the Little Sister program and helped this girl out. Robin said it had been three years since she did that.
Women Vomit To Win A Trip To Vegas. 11/17/05. 9:05am
After the break Howard had the guys bring in Paul Fishbein from Adult Video News and porn star Jesse Jane. Howard told her how gorgeous she is. The last time they talked to her, they were discussing how she had been with Kid Rock. He found out that Jesse just got married and that kind of ruined things for him. He said that porno chicks always end up marrying guys in the porn industry and it's kind of a weird thing. Jesse said she never thought that would happen but she found that other guys couldn't handle the pressure of the business.
Jesse got in some plugs for her latest movie ''Pirates'' and mentioned that they had the ship from Pirates of the Caribbean. Howard said that he could shoot a video in a $200 hotel room and sell just as many videos as a big production film like that. Jesse said that there are people out there who are looking to see adult movies with story lines though.
Howard talked to Jesse about how she's making money because these porn movies can't be paying all that much. She said that she does dance and stuff but she's no millionaire. Jesse said that she's working on a bunch of things right now and she is making good money. She was asked if she would sleep with a guy if she was offered a million bucks. She said she was once offered $200,000 and turned that down because she doesn't want to be a hooker.
Howard moved on to this game that they were playing to give away a trip to the AVN Awards out in Las Vegas. He had four women, Jasmine, Morgan, Sheryl and Stephanie. They all have boyfriends who want to win the trip to the AVN Awards. Paul Fishbein explained how this is a big award show for the adult film world and it's a lot of fun. Howard told the women that they may not want to participate in this game because they have Jeff Levy the Vomit Guy coming in. He wants to be vomited on by women so that's why the girls were there.
Jeff the Vomit Guy told the women how he enjoys seeing women vomit on him and how hard it is to find women to do it. He said that hookers aren't working these days so he's now moved up to a dominatrix which costs him between $150 and $600. Howard told the ladies that the first one to vomit on Jeff would win the trip to the AVN Awards out in Las Vegas. Jeff admitted that he's never gotten laid in his 48 years on this world and he knows that he's a misfit but this is what he enjoys. It sounds like he's not looking to have sex either.
Howard asked each woman, one by one, if they would attempt this. Jasmine, Morgan and Sheryl said they would give it a try. They were all looking to go out to Vegas. Sheryl was good looking enough for Jesse and said she was into other women even though her husband isn't into that kind of thing. Stephanie was the only one who said she didn't think she'd be able to do it. She's never been able to vomit before so she wasn't going to even try.
Howard said goodbye to Stephanie and had Jeff take off his clothes and lay on the floor so he could prepare for the vomiting. He was completely naked and smelled really bad according to Richard Christy. Jeff said that he does bathe and wasn't aware that he was smelly. He also had some zits on his ass that the guys pointed out.
Jeff got on the floor and Howard told the girls that on the count of three he was going to tell them to go and the first one to actually vomit would win the trip. One of the girls asked if she could use her finger to make herself vomit. Howard said that was fine but Artie said he thinks they could just look at the guy and throw up. Gary gets to the point where he just about vomits when Jeff comes in but Howard likes to keep him in there. He gave the countdown and all three girls tried to puke on him. You could hear the gagging sounds coming from some of the girls but it wasn't coming out very quickly. They continued to try but there was only a little ''pre-puke'' according to Sal. Then Jasmine hurled on him and they had a winner.
Richard Christy saw the vomit and started to gag himself. Then he puked on Jeff as well. Artie was laughing hysterically as Richard gagged and puked over and over again. Jeff was still talking to himself and wouldn't shut up. Richard said he couldn't watch him rub the vomit on himself, that's what made him sick. Artie said that Jeff was saying that he's not into the guys vomiting on him as it was happening. He said he's a heterosexual.
Howard told Jasmine that she had just won the trip for 2 to the AVN Awards out in Vegas. Jasmine said she did this for her ''master'' and he didn't know about it yet. Richard Christy was still getting sick as he watched Jeff rubbing in the vomit on his chest. He started to gag as Jeff was describing how much he loves the vomit thing and rubbed it in. Richard said that was the worst thing he's ever seen. He looked at his soaking wet chest and started to get sick. Howard had him look even more which made him get sick again. He ended up puking on Jeff again because he was so grossed out. Richard said it was his smell that got to him as well.
A listener called in and said this was disgusting but also hilarious to listen to. Paul Fishbein refused to look over at the vomiting. Howard asked the girls what went wrong and why they weren't able to vomit. They thanked Howard for having them in. Gary kept running out of the studio because he was grossed out by it so Howard tried to get him to look at him. Gary said that it was really gross and it was in his hair and stuff. Howard gave the other contestants $500 prizes for coming in. He also gave Jeff a $500 prize. Jeff said that it was an honor and a privilege to have been vomited on.
Jesse Jane said that it was pretty gross but she could take it and didn't get sick. Jeff got in a bunch of plugs and then they went to break.
Midget Romeo Blues Tired Of Steve Langford. 07/17/08. 6:30am
Eric the Midget called in and said that he's sick and tired of hearing story after story about him on the news being done by Langford. Robin told him to stop listening. Eric said he doesn't have to listen to hear about them. Howard said that he thought he'd like it since Langford is taking an interest in him.
He said that Langford found out that Eric was going on SFN as this character Romeo Blues and posting stuff. Fred was playing the ''Zero point zero'' clips as Eric was talking and also playing the ''Redrum'' clips.
Howard said that the Romeo Blues name is the funniest thing ever. Fred said that Lenny Kravitz used that name when he recorded years ago. Eric said that he didn't come up with the name, he borrowed it from someone else. Howard said that's funny either way.
Howard said that it's great that Eric's biggest defender was actually Eric. He said that Eric is going in and defending himself from other people bad mouthing him. Eric said that he found out that there wasn't 3 sources on the story either. He said it was one fat one, Mutt. He said that he's big enough to be 3 people though. Robin stole his joke a few seconds later and said the same thing about Mutt.
Howard said he got some mail about Eric so he read through some of that. One guy asked if Eric has something against Canadians because he bad mouths Steve about that when he calls in. Eric said that he'd do that to anyone he's attacking like that. He said that Steve is from Canada so that's why he goes after him like that. Howard let Eric go a short time later.
Sal And Richard's Latest Tradio Call - Jizz Stains. 04/28/10. 6:45am
Howard moved on to play the new prank call Sal and Richard made. He said he may have to play it a couple of times today because it's so good. The call is called Jizz Stains. In the call they get through to Tradio and Sal tells the guy he's trying to sell a laptop and it's got jizz stains on it. Sal gave out the number 516-922-WINE and the guy didn't know what he was saying. Sal played dumb and kept telling the guy that his computer had jizz stains on it. He was also talking about pulling his pecker and the guy didn't hear him the first couple of times. He eventually hung up on him and then Richard got through and threw Howard Stern's name out saying that those callers should be calling him instead. Then Richard said he had some stuff for sale that had jizz stains on them. He had a curio cabinet with jizz stains from his nephew spewing off all over the house.
Sal got through again and said he wishes that those prank callers were in Haiti during the earthquake. Then he said he had a whiffle ball bat for sale with fecal matter on it. The host hung up on him and said that this is a good way to lose the show. The host said that he could go to a network show if this keeps up.
In the call the host, Ray, takes another call from Richard who was saying the boots he had for sale were covered in horse semen. He got hung up on again. Ray then took a break and took another call from a woman who said she had a rooster to give away. Sal got through and asked for the number for the rooster. He told Ray he was Mike Morales and he really could use a good cock. Ray said this was the worst it had been on the show in the 25 years he had been broadcasting.
Howard said it sounds like a tough day at the office for that guy. Howard said he liked the guy saying he likes to have fun but not on radio. Howard said he was also saying he could go to a Network show. Howard wondered what he was talking about there.
Howard told Sal and Richard they did a good job with that call. Benjy said he thinks he knows what the guy was saying about the network show thing. He could get rid of Tradio and just put a syndicated show on. Howard said maybe that's what it was. He said that's some threat. Howard went to break after that.
Mammary Lane - Robin's Colonics - March 29, 1996. 03/18/10. 6:30am
Next up we heard Jon and Gary introducing a segment that a fan requested where Robin talked about her colonics on the show. This was from March 29, 1996. This wasn't in my archives so here's a quick rundown:
In the clip Howard was talking to the doctor who was going to give Robin her colonic over the weekend. Howard talked about how unnatural it is for people to do things like this. Howard said it's not normal but both Robin and the doctor, Ann, said it was perfectly natural.
Robin and Ann talked about the stuff they see come out of people when they get flushed out. Ann claims that they see things that people haven't eaten for weeks or even years. She said that one time they saw a toy come out that the person had eaten when they were a child.
Howard wanted the soiled water that came out of Robin but Ann didn't think that was going to happen. Howard asked if they give colonics to men. Ann said she does and she is the one who does it. Howard asked Ann how old she is but she wasn't answering. Howard said she sticks things up people's butts but she won't talk about how old she is.
Howard asked Ann about how she got started in this. Ann said she used to suffer from being tired all the time and she started doing this and got over it. Robin said she's heard that from other people as well.
Howard asked Robin about what she pulled out of herself when she had her colonic. Robin said not much came out that first time she did it. Howard said he can't imagine people making a fuss over her poopie. He said Robin likes to have her poopie evaluated. Robin said that's not true. She said she doesn't care if they say anything or not. She said that it's odd that the doctor finds it so interesting.
Howard asked Robin what she saw coming out when she did her colonic. Robin said you see particles and stuff coming out. Howard asked if the water turns brown. She said sometimes it does. Howard asked what other colors she sees. Robin said she sees some oranges and tans. Howard asked if there are hunks that come out. Robin said she hasn't seen any yet.
Howard thanked Ann for the call and let her go. He said it sounds very dangerous to him. He took another call from a guy claiming to be a doctor. He said that this can injure the colon and blow it out of they put too much pressure in there. Howard asked if he's seen it happen. He said he hasn't but he's heard of it happening.
Howard said he didn't believe that guy was a real doctor based on the way he was talking with the Southern accent. The guy said he is a real doctor though.
Howard was going to move along but Robin told him that she was out jumping her horse yesterday. Howard talked to her and said that maybe they should call Chris Reeve and share her excitement with him.
Crazy Alice Vs. Crazy Artie. 06/15/06. 10:40am
After the break Fred had a Jimi Hendrix song playing so that got the guys talking about him for a short time. They were talking about how he may not have been as cool today if he had lived. That led to them talking about other stars who have been around a long time and haven't aged very well.
Howard noticed that Ant and George had exchanged numbers before he left. George said he's a neighbor of his out in California so he may have him over for dinner. Robin figured that was his euphemism for having sex with the guy. George thought that was pretty funny.
Crazy Alice called in to talk to George Takei. She said she's not an ignorant woman, she's just angry about stuff. George had made a comment about her earlier in the week where he said she sounds kind of ignorant so she wanted to defend herself.
George said that he thinks Alice has the ability to get past her anger and move on with her life. Howard interrupted him so Alice went nuts on him. Howard said he wanted to cut the bullshit because George doesn't know what he has here. Alice told Howard that he hates being interrupted so he shouldn't do it to other people. She was going crazy on him and told him to shut up and let George finish.
George was trying to get a word in but Alice was still going crazy on Howard. He was able to talk to her a little bit and let her know what he felt about her anger. Howard said that maybe she should play the part of Uhura on the Star Trek thing that George is shooting for the internet. Artie did his impression of Alice and got her even more pissed off.
Artie kept doing his impression of Alice and that got her to bad mouth him and tell him to jump off the roof like his father did. That was pretty rough, even for Alice. She was calling him names, calling him fat and all kinds of other things. Artie didn't care, he just kept doing his impression as she was yelling at him. They were talking over each other so it was like Dueling Crazy Alice's.
Artie stopped at one point and asked how she's able to do that so long. Howard let them go at it for a couple more minutes and told Artie to see how much longer he could keep going. He figured they'd be there until about 4 o'clock. All Artie had to do was say something in his Alice voice and she'd go nuts on him. Howard had Artie stop for a short time to let Alice slow down a little bit. She thought Howard had to get going so she was slowing down but got all revved up again when Howard said Artie wanted to say one more thing to her.
Howard said Alice seemed to be running out of steam but then she started cursing Artie out again. She finally started so Artie threw in one more ''fuck you...'' as Alice which got her going all over again. She had some funny comments about Artie being over weight and stuff.
Howard told Alice he had to get going, at about 11:05, since it was getting so late. Artie got her all revved up again and had her screaming at him again a short time later. Howard played a couple of Crazy Alice song parodies as he was trying to wrap things up with her. He asked Alice if her neighbors can hear her. She said she was in the bathroom doing this so hopefully they won't hear her. Artie went off on her once again but Alice was done by then. She said she didn't want to hear him anymore.
By the end of the call Artie and Alice were friends again. She said goodbye to him as if nothing had happened. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he'd be willing to pay an extra dollar a month to hear Alice doing her own show. Howard said that Alice should have been at Artie's roast last week. He had Robin start her news a short time later. It was already 11:10 by that time.
Jeff the Drunk called in and told George that he did a great job all week. George said he's had a lot of fun. Jeff is still trying to get over the death of his mother but he told the guys he'll hang in there.
High Pitch Erik Tough Enough Contest Update. 12/14/04. 7:20am
Howard had High Pitch Erik come in this morning, without his handcuffed Terri attached. Howard said that they were posting pictures of him on his web site last night of his nasty looking feet, and hairy ears. Howard went on to explain how they had this contest yesterday where someone would have the chance to win $20,000 if they were attached to this horrible monster known as High Pitch Erik. Howard said that he smells horrible and he's all fat. Erik said that he sweats a lot so that's why he smells sometimes. Howard knew that this girl Terri was freaking out yesterday but she was willing to give it a try and be handcuffed to Erik. Doug Goodstein came in and said that Erik is gross and it gets worse and worse. He was over at Erik's apartment yesterday and it smells like he's cooking a horse poop and urine pie in there.
Howard explained how this woman Terri came in to try and get some money because she was literally broke after selling all of her stuff. She was picked at the winner to be handcuffed to Erik for 4 days. She was offered $500 to get out of the whole thing but she decided to try out for the twenty grand. She stuck around through a prank phone call that Erik made after they left the show. Howard played the prank call that the two of them made. Terri played Erik's mother when they called some kind of therapist. Erik played the belligerent child who yelled at the woman on the phone. Terri was pretty good as Erik's mother and the call. The woman on the phone eventually hung up as Erik was yelling stuff at her.
Howard said that Erik and Terri left the station and headed over to Erik's place. She didn't want to get on a subway though because she's claustrophobic. She was just about begging him to take a cab instead of the subway but Erik tried to convince her to take the train. Howard said that Erik was eating a ton of food and offering Terri something to eat. Terri just let Erik eat and refused to take anything from him. Erik sounded like a kid on Christmas morning as he was eating stuff. Howard said that Terri had to go to the bathroom but she needed the water to run as she was trying to pee. Erik didn't understand what the water does though. Howard said she was having trouble peeing because she was attached to a horrible monster. Howard said she tried to pee four times but she wasn't able to go.
Howard said they eventually went to Erik's apartment and it smelled like a zoo according to Doug. Terri was losing it already. In one clip Terri asked what ''that smell'' was. Erik said that he would open the windows if she wanted. Erik also claims to have a girlfriend from Long Island but Howard said she just drops her kids off with him to watch and she doesn't have sex with him. Erik was also explaining how he didn't have time to clean up his guest room. Doug said that Richie had a good line and said that a bachelor only lives like that if he's a crackhead.
Erik broke Terri when he went on the computer to look at some porn. Erik logged on and started to look at some pictures and that's when Terri bailed out on the contest. She couldn't take it and gave up on the $20,000. Doug said that she lasted a total of 6 hours and 17 minutes. Terri said she appreciated the chance to try and win the money but she had to leave. She said that Erik was a nice ''hostess'' and it was nothing personal. Howard had her on the phone a few seconds after that. Terri said that it was just ''too much'' for her. She tried to explain what the smell was over at Erik's apartment and she couldn't describe it. Howard said it must be like swamp ass or something like that. Terri said it was that on top of body odor. Terri said that Erik had snot hanging out of his nose yesterday as well. She said that she asked Erik to walk to the store with her to get a chair and a pillow but he wouldn't even do that. She had no plans to watch him go to the bathroom and she wasn't able to go herself.
Erik insists that he was supposed to have been ''the boss'' yesterday but it really didn't matter. Doug from E! was saying that Erik's hands were just gross this morning and they were sweating like crazy. Terri told the guys that she's allergic to cats and she wasn't told that she'd be in an apartment with one. Howard asked Terri if she thought she could have stuck it out for the $20,000. She said there was no way she could have made it for 3 days. Doug said she told him that she may have done it for $100,000. Doug thinks she would have lasted maybe another hour. Howard gave Terri a $500 prize courtesy of the movie ''Darkness'' which comes out later this month. Howard gave the WWE Tough Enough contest a plug since they were the sponsor for the contest. Erik thought that Howard was talking about this contest and that he was going to be on UPN this Thursday. Terri told Erik that she would have stayed if Erik had cleaned up and let her get a chair and pillow to sit on.
Terri said she took two showers when she got home yesterday. She was so grossed out that she just had to clean herself twice. Gary said she was obsessed with the shower thing and kept asking where she could shower if she made it through until Thursday. Zolar called in and called Erik some names. Zolar started to go off on Erik but Howard cut him off and said that they should take that off the air. Howard said that Terri sounded like a rescued hostage this morning. Doug said that she didn't smile all morning until those handcuffs came off of her yesterday. Erik thought it was funny how Howard was calling him a monster and the way he was saying it.
Doug said he thinks he'd last about 10 or 15 minutes of being handcuffed to Erik. He said if one bit of sweat from those hands touched him, he'd be done. Gary came in and told Howard about being stuck in a car with Erik, Hank the Dwarf and Gary the Retard and Erik was the most annoying of them all. Doug told Howard how Erik cleans his clothes in the sink by just leaving clothes soaking in there. Then he hangs them up to let them dry so they get all musty and smelly. Gary said that he heard that Erik doesn't go to the laundromat because it's 3 floors away from his apartment. Erik said it's easier for him to just do them in the sink. Erik also calls the stairs in his apartment building ''the secret passageway'' when he brings people over there. Gary thinks it's amazing that Erik is allowed to live on his own. The guys were also amazed that the cat is still alive in his apartment.
Doug asked Erik to spell his name. He spelled it Erik. Then he was asked to spell his other name. Erik says ''High Pitch Eric.'' He spells his name two different ways for some reason. He said that his High Pitch name is spelled differently on the show even though his real name is spelled with a K. No one understood that explanation. Howard ended the nightmare a short time later and went to commercial break.
Howard's Parents Lose Power, Gives Him Chest Pain. 03/22/10. 7:45am
After the break we heard a prank call Sal and Richard made to Gary the Retard about his smoking. Fred also played Stone Temple Pilots ''Plush'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said that they had to move their vacation to March for Robin to go to Guatemala. That means they don't have a vacation in April or May. He said that's too long. Howard said he wants to go ''dark'' like Gary would say. Gary said they are dark in late May.
Howard said they have a lot to talk about. He said he has stuff in his notes. He said they had a big black out on Long Island. He said they had a nasty turn of the weather when Robin was away. He said there were people without power for days out there. Howard said they have never been in so much trouble out there before. Howard said his sister had a big tree down in front of her house. He said it was a nightmare for so many people out there. He said they didn't have heat without power. He said it was cold too.
Gary said that the person who lost it the longest was Scott. He said that he knew something was up because the guy at the garage was talking about Scott's power. He said that Jason was hoping that it would come back on because he couldn't take the stories anymore. Gary said the guy at the garage would say that Scott came in every day complaining about it.
Scott came in and said he wasn't able to leave the house because they had to bail out the sump pump. He said that they went out and got a generator and had enough to get by. Scott said they didn't have heat though. Howard thanked him for the story but said he was bored already.
Howard said Tuesday morning he was laying in bed and saw his phone blinking. He picked up and it was his mom. He said she sounds like something is wrong even if there isn't. He said that his mom said they were in terrible trouble. He said he thought his father was dead or in the hospital or something. Howard said he asked what was wrong and she said that they haven't had power since Saturday. This was on Tuesday. Howard said they hadn't had any heat since Saturday. He said he asked her if that was her fuckin' problem. Howard said she can't hear so she says ''What?''
Howard said she lives in New York so she could have come to his house. He asked why she didn't call before. He said she told him that they don't like to leave the house. They thought the power would come on but it never did. He said they thought it would come on the next day so they just waited. Robin said they're going to end up causing him so much trouble. Howard said he was going to send them a car and he'd have them stay there. Howard said they didn't want to burden anyone but she said she felt she had to. Howard said that he's her fuckin' son so she had to come there.
Howard said he went to bed after sending a car out there. He said he got a text from the driver saying that they panicked and they drove out there themselves. Howard said he spent all day trying to get a driver so he was pissed. He said that he usually has them picked up because he's not sure they can get out there to his house on their own. He said he was out on Long Island himself so they didn't even have to drive into the city.
Howard said the driver had to go back to Manhattan and then he got a call from his mother saying that they were there at home again and they were freezing. Howard said it turns out they just went to get a cup of coffee before the car came. Howard said he had to get back on the phone with his driver Terry. Howard said he was still close enough to turn around. Howard said he told his mother to sit tight and not move. She kept saying ''What'' because she can't hear. Howard said she won't get a hearing aid though. He said that she thinks that it's a ''slippery slope'' if she gets started with that. Howard said she doesn't want to get started with that.
Howard said he got his dad on the phone and he told him that he was out getting coffee. They have to do everything together so that's why they went out together. Howard said that their neighbor told the driver that they had left though. Howard said he was having a heart attack over this. He said that the stress was giving him chest pains. He said that it's not even work that's driving him crazy. It's everything else.
Howard said he felt like he had an elephant sitting on his chest. He said he was upset about the whole Gabourey Sidibe thing. He said he will go on that nitwit Whoopi Goldberg's show and talk about what a nitwit she is. Howard said that he's going to pull her pants off to see what's doing down there. He said that she's a ''snatch head.'' He said he's going to challenge her to a sword fight with whatever it is she has down there. Howard said he might just book himself on that show. He said he'll tell the other dummies to shut up too. He said that Sherry Sheppard thinks the world is flat and Whoopi says ''rape, rape.'' He said she's a ''dumb cunt.''
Howard said because of her, he's in the doctor's office. Howard said he's going to bring a globe with him on the show to show Sherry what everyone learned in second grade. Howard said he wants to make out with Elisabeth on the show too. Robin said she may have a thing for him.
Howard said he knows Elisabeth and she has a body that does not quit. He said that she's build for sexual activities. He said there is no question that there's a vagina in those pants. He said there is no balls on that snatch. Howard said he was sorry for calling Whoopi the C-word but he's a little pissed. Howard said that he's not even sure she's a woman. He said he's not sure that she couldn't ''rape, rape'' Elisabeth.
Howard played a clip of Mike Tyson yelling at a reporter and saying ''I'll fuck you 'till you love me, faggot.'' Howard said he could use that speech when he goes on The View.
Howard said he doesn't want to get into a whole thing with Whoopi. He said that he will use her real name on the show if he goes on though. He said her real name is Karen Johnson.
Prank Call Genius Jim Davidson Calls In. 11/07/07. 7:45am
Howard said that this guy Jim Davidson is a genius. He said this is the guy who created the Red prank phone calls. He played some of the examples of the phone calls that he made to this guy Red who used to own a bar in New Jersey. They've gone back and remastered the tapes so the quality was even better than it used to be. In the call Jim asks Red to find his friend Ben Dover in the bar. Red always gets angry and starts yelling at the guy.
Howard said that he has another one where Jim calls and asks Red to find his friend Stu Pitt and gets yelled at again. Artie laughed his ass off at that one. Howard said that he had a bunch of others to play and he'd get to them later.
Howard had Jim on the phone and asked him when he did these tapes. Jim said that he used to do them when he was like 18-20 years old. He said that he and a friend of his would make the calls. He and his friend met in a band and they'd make phone calls after band practice. They'd share the tapes between 20-30 people or so.
Jim said that this bar, the Tube Bar, was a place where you'd always see some kind of commotion going on and people being thrown out on the street and stuff. He said that they used to make these calls all the time and ran across this guy Red accidentally. He said that they had never seen Red before but they did go down to see him at the bar one time.
Howard asked if they ever went to the bar before they made the calls. They didn't go until after they made the calls. He said they thought about telling him who they were but then decided against it. Jim said that the guy was a big, tough guy and he may have been a boxer at one point.
Howard said that Jim used to play the tapes for their friends and then they got released on the internet somehow. Jim said they worked for Warner Brothers over in Secaucus in the warehouse and one of the guys who visited must have taken the tapes and started to spread them around. He said they're still not sure how it happened.
Jim said that they didn't know what was going on until he saw Kurt Loder on MTV talking about the tapes during a news report. It was probably 1992 when he first heard about it and they were making the calls way back in 1975 or so. They made these tapes back before the internet was around but they were spreading even before that on tape. Howard said that they probably could have made a fortune by selling them on their own. Jim said they tried to do that with an indie record label. They released some of them and Red was already dead so they didn't even have to get his permission.
Howard asked Jim about the remastered tapes and then played another one of the calls to Red. Jim said they probably have 1 or 2 hours of that stuff and a total of 6 or 7 hours of other calls. Howard played a couple of the calls that Jim and his friend made to Red where he goes off on them over anything they say. Jim said that they didn't have to say much to get Red going.
Howard gave Jim a plug for his web sites BumBarBastards.com and TubeBar.com. They have pictures of Red on the sites. Howard checked him out and said that Red looks like a businessman in the picture. Howard said he had to play some more of the classic calls, he wasn't even sure if they were the remastered clips.
Jim said that he's not making a lot of money on this stuff but he's hoping that after Howard helps him out he'll make something. Howard played another call where Jim and his friend call Red and keep him going for a couple of minutes. Red eventually goes off on them saying he's going to cut open their bellies so they can see the black stuff come out. They keep calling him back and ask red why he's getting so angry. Red flips out on them and threatens them.
Howard asked Jim about the bar and if he went in and stared at Red. Jim said that there were no seats in the bar so everyone had to stand. He said that Red would beat people up if they didn't drink in there either. He said that Red had to sit in his seat overlooking the whole bar and he'd have to get out of the chair to answer the phone.
Howard played another one of the calls where Jim calls up and asks Red to find his buddy Clint Torres for him. Red calls out the name but no one answered. Artie asked if there ever was a guy by the name they asked for there. Jim said that they had to make up names and there were never any women allowed in the bar. Artie started to laugh his ass off when he heard one call where Jim asked for Mike Untstinks and Red yells it out to the bar.
Jim told Howard about another one where he asked for Rufus Leakin but he never got that one on tape. He said that people thought he was yelling out that his roof was leaking and ignored him. That got Robin laughing pretty hard.
Howard played some more clips and Artie asked him a few questions. Jim said that Red passed away in 1985 or so after selling the bar for like a million bucks and moving to Florida. Artie said that place doesn't even exist anymore as far as he knows.
Howard gave Jim some more plugs for his web sites and then took some phone calls. One guy said that he's been listening to these tapes for like 20 years now. He talked about some of his favorites and then played another one where they asked to talk to Pepe Roni and Red calls out the name in the bar.
Artie said that the guys in the Jerky Boys sold like 5 million records. Jim said he knows that and they came in much later on. Captain Janks said that this guy is his hero and he's spoken to him on the phone. Jim told a story about calling Red and telling him that his bar was on fire. Red ran out and down to the bar when he got the call.
Gary asked Jim how he feels that all of those calls have been lifted by the writers on the Simpsons. Jim said he's heard that but there's not much he can do about that. Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Moe from the Simpsons was based on Red. Jim said he read n article where Matt Groening admits that the character was based on Red.
Jim said that they made up those names for the calls and that was way back in 1975. Artie thinks that he could sue over that stuff because people have sued for a lot less. Howard played one another call where Jim asks for Mike Hunt and then Joe Mana and Red calls out the names. Howard told Jim that he's a big fan of his and asked if he still tries to make calls like that. Jim said that he's not doing them anymore. He still sees his friend John though. John is sick of trying to make money with the calls now though.
Artie said that there was so much misinformation about those calls. He said that his friend Kamal from the Jerky Boys knew a lot about them though. He thought that they were making the calls in the 80s so he had no idea that they were done back in the 70s.
A caller told Howard he was reading about this guy Red on Wikipedia and the guy's name was Red Deutsch and there's a whole thing about him there. Howard gave Jim some more plugs and Jim thanked him for having him on the air today. Howard said that they all hail him for what he's done. He said that he's hoping that Jim can make some money for what he's done.
Artie told Jim that he didn't want to start anything but he should call an entertainment lawyer and ask for some money from The Simpsons for using his calls for a story line. Jim said he doesn't have any connections so he doesn't think that he'd make anything from that. Howard thanked Jim for calling in and let him go a short time later. They went to break after that.
Swimming, ''Friends'' And Wacko Jacko Discussions. 04/23/04. 6:00am
Howard was trying to figure out if something was racist or not. He read an article about the Miami police and how they have dropped the swimming requirement for the force because they want more blacks to join the force. Howard said they asked one of the interns in the office what they thought. Howard said the person said that the reason blacks can't swim is because they're not as buoyant. The Miami police say it's because people that grow up in the area in lower class homes don't get to go swimming because they don't have the money for a pool. This led to all of the guys talking about famous guys who have made comments about blacks and why they can and can't do things like swim or play in sports.
Howard and Gary were also talking about the things that went on when they were younger. Gary worked in a store where they had a ''Schvoogie buzzer'' that was hit when black people entered the store to warn the employees to keep an eye on them. Gary said they didn't call it that when he worked there, and he wasn't the one in charge of the buzzer. He was in charge of keeping an eye on the people who came into the store. Gary told Howard he was never told that it was about keeping an eye on the blacks, but that was the only time the buzzer was ever hit.
A phone caller tried to tell Howard a story about something that happened when he worked as a lifeguard but he was dragging it out so much that Howard couldn't take it. He kept starting the story over and over again and it made Howard nuts. He eventually had to hang up on him.
Howard wondered who was screening the callers this morning because they all had their raided on and didn't know they were talking to him. Gary said it was Will who was doing it. Howard took a call from a guy who said that every black guy he saw in the Navy when he was there always ended up flailing around in the remedial pool. Howard said he thinks it's just because they don't get to go to pools as a child so they don't learn how to swim. Mike Gange never learned how to swim and his parents had money according to Howard. He almost drowned when he was on vacation with Doug Goodstein one year.
Howard told a story about his mother calling his camp and demanding that her son be forced to swim when he was at camp. He said that his mother was checking his bathing suit to find out if it was wet or not when he came home from camp. He also said his mother would tell his friends about how afraid of the water he was when he didn't want to swim. He says that his parents think that he exaggerates when he tells these stories but he doesn't believe he is. He did an impression of his mother and father for a few minutes and said that he has been caught up in his past lately because he's been working on ''Howard Stern the High School Years'' cartoon. He wanted a tape of what he'd just talked about so he could turn that into an episode.
Howard changed subjects and said he watched ''Friends'' last night and said they should just end it already. It was horrible according to him. He said that Rachel going to Paris is dumb. Ross is gay and Joey is just dumb believing that his agent was calling him from heaven. He said the writing was unbelievable. He also pointed out that they're shooting Courtney Cox from the head up because she had to get pregnant before the show was over. He talked about how odd it is that she decided to have a baby with David Arquette. Artie recently said that it's like she's married to a circus clown. He was wondering what a couple like that does all day. Howard said he knows the guy and he's a nice guy but Robin said he shouldn't be having a baby.
Howard mentioned one of the lines that Courtney Cox said to Matthew Perry about his balls going back up inside his body when he heard a certain voice of an old girlfriend. Howard wondered if he can say that on his show since they were allowed to say it on Friends.
Michael Jackson has gone into hiding because of everything that's going on with him. Howard said if he were smart he'd go to Scores and go into hiding there. That would at least make it look like he's into women. He said they're trying to make him look tough by joining the Nation of Islam instead. He needs to hang around women more to make him look like he's into them instead. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking about Jackson before he had to take his first break of the morning.
Today's Mammary Lane special was over around 10:15am.