|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started the show talking about Jimmy Kimmel sitting in first thing this morning. Howard said it's that time of year again. He's going to be doing the up fronts for ABC. Jimmy said he likes coming in and not being rushed out. He said he's been there since midnight. Howard asked if he's kidding. Jimmy said he was. Howard said he actually has been up since midnight. He said he's not sure what's going on with him.
Howard asked Jimmy if he sleeps. Jimmy said he does. Howard said he's ready to go to sleep now. He said he saw Jimmy this weekend too. He said they went over to the play that Bryan Cranston is in. Howard said he's been great to them lately. He said that show is great but he was miserable the whole time. He said the theater was freezing when it was 80 degrees out. He said they were blasting the air conditioning over him. He said he had to wear a jacket. Howard said he told Jimmy at intermission that he was leaving. Jimmy said alright but then he said he couldn't leave. Jimmy said he thinks Howard was trying to get him to talk him out of leaving so it would be his fault.
Howard said the play is about Lyndon Johnson and he loved it. He said it was like a torture chamber for him though. He said he complained to management and they said they'd take care of it. He said they didn't. He said it was like they were torturing them. Jimmy said it was that spot they were in. He said they were under the vent or something. Howard said it was torture. Jimmy said it was funny because Howard said he was going to leave. He said he thinks it's worse to go to the play and leave at intermission than it is to not go at all.
Howard said he stayed at the play because it was so good. He said it was too cold though. Howard said he turned to Jimmy during the show and asked if he had to go back stage. He said Jimmy told him he had to from what he heard on the show. Howard said that's what Robin said. He said he wasn't going by Robin. Jimmy told him that it was someone else who said it. Robin said it was Mary McCormack who said it to her. Howard said it was a guest there last week. Benjy said it was James Franco. Howard said they weren't able to come up with that name. Howard said he was sitting there freezing his balls off and he didn't want to go back stage. He said he just wanted to go home and warm up. Jimmy said that's because he has zero percent body fat. Howard said Jimmy is the same way too. He said he's like the thinnest person on the planet now. Jimmy said it makes a big difference.
Howard said they had a guy coughing and sucking on candy through the play. He said the guy was making tons of noise and it was so annoying. He said it turns out it was Senator Al Franken. He said that's who was coughing on them. Howard said he wondered ''what the fuck?'' He said he said hi to Al and his son. He said Jimmy called him Senator right away. He said he still thinks of him as Al Franken. Jimmy said he's as funny as ever too. Howard said he is a senator though. Howard said he asked Al if he would ever want to be president after seeing that. He said Al told him ''Absolutely not.'' Howard said Al told some interesting stories there. He said he might have to have him on the show.
Howard said Al is really smart and he keeps up with everything that he's involved with. Howard said he's very brilliant from what he's read about the guy. Jimmy said he seems passionate about the job. Robin said that we don't know how important the job is and that's why we give the job to people like Fred Grandy and Al Franken. Robin said you wouldn't think he'd be passionate about the job but he is.
Howard said Al was coughing all night. He said he ended up back stage with them too. Robin asked how Molly is looking pregnant. Howard said she looks great. He said she barely looks pregnant. Howard said she's svelte. Jimmy said she has one of those bodies that doesn't get fat. He said she shits a lot. He said she leaves mounds around the house.
Howard said he was reading a story about how there are like a billion people on this planet that have never shit in a toilet. Howard said we're lucky here. He said we have squatty potty's here. Jimmy said there are people who sit along the road and shit in India. He said that's what makes it so attractive as a tourist destination.
Howard said Jimmy has a Squatty Potty. He found out about it on the show. Jimmy said Howard was talking about it and he and Molly had just pulled into the garage together. He said he rolled his window down and Molly just said ''No!'' He said he now has 4 of them. Howard said he has 5. Jimmy said he tries to fashion one from something in the bathroom so he can feel like he has his legs above his nose. Howard said he feels like he's going to shit his pants and he'll run and get his Squatty Potty. He said he doesn't trust it now.
Howard said when he was out in Los Angeles he was trying to lean forward to mimic a squat. Jimmy said he does the same thing. Robin said they need a portable Squatty Potty. Jimmy said they sort of are portable. Howard said if you don't need any clothes you can fit it in luggage.
Howard said Gary was so phlegmy this morning. He said he has a ton of shit in his throat. Howard said he turned to Jon Hein and asked what was up with that. He said Jon said he thinks that Gary is excited that Jimmy is there. Howard said it's like an erection or something. Gary said he's never done that before when Jimmy has been on. Howard said he thinks that Gary ejaculates the phlegm. He asked what's going on with that. Gary said he has no idea. He said there is nothing special going on today other than Howard fucking with him. He said there's not even anything special about that.
Jimmy said he was thinking about the show and how there has never been another show where the host yells at his staff. He said once in a while there's a Jerry Lewis clip but he thinks Howard started this whole thing. Howard said he must have come up with that. He thanked him for pointing that out.
Howard said he was watching Bill Maher and he made a good point about this Donald Sterling thing. He said he pointed out that we're being spied on by each other and not the government. Howard said people can record you and put you on the internet. If that happens you're fucked. Howard said this stuff becomes public record and there is no punishment for it. Howard said Donald Sterling is being punished for a private conversation. Robin said she says that he knew he was being recorded. Howard said that can't be.
Jimmy said there is a law against that. He said if she put those tapes out without permission she could get in trouble. Howard said that guy gave her cars and an apartment that was worth like $1.8 million. He said he can't imagine that she'd do this to the guy. He said she wasn't even fucking the guy for that kind of money. He said the least she could do is stop hanging out with black people. Jimmy said the guy is clearly out of it. Howard said the ex-wife does say he's going senile. Jimmy said that they say she knew that he was with these women. He said she also defended him almost immediately. He said she was saying that he's not a racist.
Howard said he thinks the way to get girls is to tell girls that you hate the Jews. He said that's what everyone seems to do. Howard said Bill Maher was talking about this whole thing and it was an interesting take on it.
Jimmy said he bought Eric a BB gun. He said the only way to buy him things is through that list. He said he bought him a CD from Kelli Pickler too. He said he did this at like 4 in the morning. Jimmy said he starts thinking about Eric and he just goes on the list and buys him something. Howard asked Jimmy if a BB gun is a bad thing for Eric. Jimmy asked what could possibly happen.
Howard said Eric the Actor didn't have an operation. He said he just had a check up. He said he's fine for now. Jimmy was wondering about that. Howard said he has 6 months until his next appointment.
Gary said Eric was very happy about the Kitchen Ninja that Jimmy bought him. Howard said Eric was on the phone with a guy named Gonzo Shitcock a while back. He said Eric has been going back and forth with him on Twitter. Howard said they were on the phone blasting each other not too long ago. Howard said they came up with a contest where they can give the winner $5,000. Howard said it will be Eric vs. Gonzo. Howard said they come on and they give each other ''snaps'' where they fight with each other. Whoever wins gets 5 grand and the loser gets 500.
Gary said he called Eric and asked if he wanted to do this. He said he had to think it over. Gary said he needed an answer. Gary said he eventually said he wasn't going to do it. Gary said he was fine with that. Then he got an email from Johnny Fratto who had a whole list of demands from Eric. He said that Eric wanted Gonzo's name, address, Social Security number and all of this stuff. Gary said there are 20 requests and he's only up to number 4. Eric wanted to know if he had any mental disorders and if his family has. Gary said that Eric wants to know if Gonzo works for the Howard Stern show. Howard said this goes on and on and on. He said what's going to happen is that the bit will happen with someone else and Eric will be upset and blame Gary for it saying that he was just joking with the demands.
Jimmy asked how you can have a back and forth if you know the guy's real name. Howard said he's not sure who his Social Security number would help him. Jimmy said he thinks that's something Johnny put down as a joke.
Jimmy said he enjoys Hanzi on the show. Hanzi said he does not. He said he just likes making fun of him. Jimmy said that he was sorry he wasn't able to make it to the birthday show. Howard said he has a history of mental illness and he wanted a note from his mom saying it was okay. Hanzi said something about why he thinks Howard didn't let him come. Howard said just imagine him on the show writing. Jimmy said he would not be the strangest person on the staff.
Howard had Eric the Actor on the phone next. Howard said this is a dumb move. He said he's shit canning the whole bit. Eric said this is not a bad move. He said he's sick of that guy's shit. Howard said his demands are outrageous. Eric said he's asking him to go into a gun fight unarmed. He said he doesn't know shit about this guy. Howard said knowing his Social Security Number isn't going to help him out. Eric said there could be something funny there.
Howard asked what he did with the BB gun Jimmy bought him. Eric said he got into Airsoft guns a few years ago. Howard asked if he can operate a gun. Eric said it depends on the model of the gun. Robin asked where he shoots them. Eric said he has shot it and he does it outside his front door. Robin laughed when she heard that. Eric said there is an empty field across the road. He said he can shoot into a big wall over there.
Howard asked how many people buy things for him on his wish list. Eric said there are several actually. Howard asked Eric about Jimmy sending him a squatty potty. Jimmy said he didn't do that. He said if he doesn't have one on his list then he can't send one. Jimmy said they could give Eric the Squatty Potty and let him shoot his gun at it.
Eric said that Jimmy will get a thank you card from him when he gets back to L.A. He said he sent one to Cleeto too. Hanzi said he'll get a fuck you note from him. Jimmy laughed and thanked him.
Eric told Howard that the scene he was in with Legit was supposed to be shot like that. Eric said it was his director of photography from Private Parts who shot it. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go.
Gary came in and said that Eric has a lot of crazy stuff on his wish list. He said he has a lot that he wants. He said he has a soda vending machine. He said he has a lot of TVs and things. He said you can also give him a $1,000 gift card too.
Howard said he wonders if that's going to fuck up their friendship. Jimmy said if they have to get rid of it he can do that. He said he'll give it up to someone at North Shore.
Howard said on Friday night they went to the Billy Joel concert. He said it was great. He said that he's been walking around singing ''The Entertainer'' around the house. Howard said he saw Sting and his wife Trudy there. He said Judd Apatow and Paul Rudd were there at the show. Howard said they had a really good time. Howard said the people from the North Shore Animal League were crying the whole time because Billy gave them a bunch of money from the proceeds of the show. Howard said it was all very sweet. He said Billy is such a great guy and a huge talent. Howard said he's just a good dude.
Howard said that he came out and said that it would be great if Madison Square Garden that they should let him keep doing the concerts there until Billy dies... and even after he dies. He said that Beth came out on stage with him and Billy's girlfriend came out with him. He said they were all holding puppies too. Howard said Billy's girlfriend Alexis was holding one all night and said they had to adopt this one. He said Billy said no way to that because they'd be outnumbered. He said Billy was holding the dog and hugging it all night. He said he's really great with dogs. Howard said they ended up adopting the dog. He said it was Billy's 65th birthday and he gave all the proceeds of the show to the North Shore and he also adopted the puppy.
Robin asked what Howard did there. Howard said he made a speech. He said he's adopted out 57 cats from his house and he has given money and raised money for them in other ways. Robin said she knows Beth wants another dog. Howard said she can get one anytime she wants. He said he's not the Taliban. Robin said she knows that she wanted that bulldog they had. Howard said he told her she can have it. He said he's not stopping her.
Howard said they have Ike Barinholtz coming in today. Adam Carolla will also be coming in. He said they had to go to break after that.
Howard asked to hear the poem. Jimmy said it's called ''Howard.'' He said that he doesn't do a good Ronnie voice but he is going to try. He read the poem and it was about his 60th birthday in the way Ronnie would write one. He had Howard and Robin laughing. Howard said that was slightly too good for Ronnie. He said the rhyming was too good actually.
Howard said the new way to prank Riley Martin is to make a gay comment to him and he gets all upset. Howard had some clips from a show Riley did last week on his birthday. Howard played one clip where a guy asked if global warming is because of aliens and if Eron is going to cum on his face for his birthday. Riley was thrown off a bit by that question. He forgot what the guy asked first.
Jimmy said he would like to know more about Eron. He said that's what he's interested in. Howard said that would be interesting. He had more prank calls to Riley though. He had one where a guy asked about Eron blowing him on his birthday and Riley warned the guy that kids listen to the show also.
Howard asked Jimmy about this fishing show he's shooting. Jimmy said he's going to the Bahamas for that. He said his friend Huey Lewis likes to fly fish. He said he's head about this bone fishing trip that he goes on and he was asked to go. He said he has never been able to go in the past. He said this year it falls on a week he's off. He said it'll be him, Huey, Tom Brokaw, Jim Belushi, Michael Keaton and others.
Howard asked what's going on with Michael Keaton. Jimmy said he'll ask. He said he has been in a couple of movies lately. Howard thought he had dropped off the face of the earth.
Howard asked if that is relaxing for Jimmy. Jimmy said it is. He said he loves fishing. Howard said they have TV cameras on him though. Jimmy said he thought he was taping one episode but it turns out it's going to be like a whole season.
Howard asked if he's ever naked with Huey. Jimmy said he is not. He said that when he broke up with Sarah he went out fishing with Huey. He said he started talking about relationships with him and Huey didn't want to hear about it. He said he just changed the subject to fishing. Howard said they had to take another break after that. Howard said he has Ike coming in next.
Howard said he heard he's a huge fan of the show. Ike said he is a fan of Howard's show and all of the shows on his channels. He said he loves the Jon Leiberman show too. He did an impression of Leiberman doing his thing with the Wack Pack with real news stories. He did an impression of Jeff the Drunk too.
Howard asked who his favorite character is on the show. Ike said it's Eric the Actor. He said it's not even a contest. He said the whole saga with Eric and Kendra and how he was going to walk off over Pepsi. He said he has never bought anything for Eric from his wish list though.
Howard said Ike has a quiz about the show and he thinks that he can't answer these questions. Ike said one of his favorite moments on the show was when Eric the Actor and High Pitch Eric were arguing and Artie said ''I Love listing to two sub humans arguing'' and High Pitch thanked him for that.
Howard said that Ike was on MAD TV and he went to Boston College too. Ike said he was smoking a ton of weed there. He said he got kicked out of there for failing out. He said his father took him on a vacation thinking that he did so well at school the first year. He said they went on this great trip and it was great. He said he was getting Fs and Ds at school. He said he wanted to be a politician at the time. Then he went to college and started doing mushrooms and stuff. He said he did acid and did weed and mushrooms every day. He said he was the party guy. He said that it was like him and 4 guys named Dinesh.
Ike said he went home to Chicago and saw an improv show with Tina Fey, Chris Farley and Tim Meadows. He said that got him interested in that. Ike said his dad made him go out and get a job. He said he used to listen to the Stern Show every day on his shitty job for the transit authority. He said he worked in the marketing department. He said that he started doing improv and his parents were relatively supportive. He said now they love him.
Howard said he heard that Ike hung out with Obama when he was a senator. Ike said this was when he was a state legislator. He said they played basketball together. He said that Obama told him what he did but he didn't care. Then a few years later he became a senator and eventually President. Ike said his buddy undercut Obama playing ball and Obama went off on him.
Ike did his Obama impression as if he were doing the Gary apology tape. Howard asked if he ever saw Obama's cock. Ike said he did not. He did more of his impression and talked to Howard about his penis size and things like that.
Howard asked how Obama played basketball being a smoker. Ike said he was a smoker himself so there would be like 3 guys out smoking after the games. He said it was him, Obama and another guy.
Howard asked Ike about what else he did with improv. He said he went to Amsterdam and did it with Seth Meyers and a couple of other guys. Howard asked about doing threesomes over there in Amsterdam. Ike said that they can break out at any time over there. Howard said he had sex with a Dutch woman when he was much younger and she was very forward. He said that she stuck a finger up his ass... or tried to. Howard said she was very forward.
Howard asked Ike about getting the job on MAD TV. Ike said he had a bad year there working at Mortons before that. He said he had Pete Rose yell at him. He said that he was doing that and he worked at the Chateau Marmont. He said he would smoke pot and prank call his buddy who worked there. He said he'd make up voices and prank him. He said that went on for like a year. Howard said prank calls are great training for impressions and stuff.
Howard asked if the impressions got him the job on MAD TV. Ike said they did but they weren't all that great. He said he did an Andy Dick and Steve Irwin and people like that. He said he does a Mark Wahlberg impression too. He was on MAD TV for 5 seasons. Ike said he got restless being on the show. He said that they would have Todd Bridges when SNL had someone like Steve Martin fingering Mick Jagger. Jimmy said he hosted that show once. He said he was actually rejected from the show as a cast member. Jimmy said he didn't even know what it was at the time. He said an agent sent him in for a meeting. Ike said they had wrestlers on the show a lot. He said he spent a lot of time with Jesse Ventura. He did an impression of him for a few seconds.
Ike said that he told them that he'd come back to the show for this money and their counter offer was zero so it was time to leave the show. Jimmy asked if it's true that you can't get on SNL after being on MAD TV. Ike said that isn't true. He said there have been a couple of people who have made that move. He said they have a guy there now who was on MAD TV.
Howard asked about Ike getting on the Mindy Project. Ike was a writer on the show but they liked him so much they put him on camera. Ike said he did Eastbound and Down too. He said that got him back on the scene. Howard said he's in the new Seth Rogen movie too. Ike said he didn't get any money out of that deal. He said he has no points in that.
Howard said he doesn't see him in the commercials. Ike said everything he says is socially unacceptable. He said he uses the N-word a lot and things like that. Howard said he hasn't seen the movie yet. He said Jimmy saw it because he gets a DVD copy. Howard said he puts Seth Rogen on the show for an hour and he doesn't get a copy. Jimmy gets a DVD and he has him on for 15 minutes.
Ike did his Seth Rogen impression and told Howard how he sees him smoking pot while he's editing the movie. He said he has smoked Seth's stuff and he gets more stoned than he's ever been. He said he smokes pot himself every day but this stuff was really powerful. He said that there is a scene in the movie and he's so stoned in it. He said he hates it. Howard asked if he told them not to shoot him that high. Ike said he didn't. He said he just did it.
Howard asked Ike to do this show quiz thing. Howard said they can all give it a try. They figured out how they'd do it. They were just going to go around the room and ask questions. Ike asked Gary what Sal's rap name was and one of his songs. Gary almost got it right but his name is Cool the Candy Rapper. Gary didn't know any of his songs. Ike said one of them was ''Free Don Gotti.'' He said that's the one that stuck out in his mind.
Ike asked Fred about what movies Richard watches every year on his birthday. Fred said he thinks it's Halloween and something else. It's Legends of the Fall.
Howard spent a minute talking to Ike about smoking weed with Seth Rogen. Ike had a question for Jimmy Kimmel. He asked what the full name of Eric the Actor's care taker is. Howard said he knows his first name. He said it's Jon. Ike said that's right. He said he thinks that his last name is Johnson. Howard said no points for Jimmy.
Ike asked Howard what the name of the video was that Elegant Elliot Offen was always promoting. Howard didn't know. It was something like ''Violet Dehumanizes Elliot.''
Ike asked Robin what Riley Martin's wife's name is. Robin didn't know. Ike said it's Joy. Howard said Fred is the winner. He's the only one with points.
Ike said he had more. Ike said that KC said he likes to blank his meat. Howard said he knows this one. Howard didn't know it but Gary and Robin helped saying it was Serenade his meat.
Ike asked what song the Jesus Twins wanted in Howard's movie. Gary blurted out that it was Feel my Ubiquity.
Ike asked what the name of the guy was who came in with his stuffed daughter. Gary said he can still see the daughter. Ike said it was Anthony Zipper and his daughter Calistra.
Ike asked about the Scott the Engineer push up challenge and who his trainer was. Howard said he knew it was Radu. He thanked Ike for coming in and doing his impressions and all of that. Howard said no one knows who he is even with all of this talent. Howard said he will be known as the N-word guy. Howard said he loves him. Ike said that he can die a happy man now that he's been on the show.
Jimmy said he wanted him to sit in for a while. Howard said he has to take a break. He said they'll see how he does during the break and see if he can stick around. Jimmy asked him what his best impression is. They told him to think about it and see how he does after the break. Howard gave him a plug for the movie ''Neighbors'' that he's in with Seth Rogen. Ike said that they did really well over the weekend. He said that Seth wasn't sure how they were going to do but by the end of the night on Friday they knew they were doing great. Howard went to break after that.
Robin said that Steven Colbert is being replaced by Larry Wilmore. Howard said he doesn't know who that is. Howard said he heard Norm MacDonald wants to take Ferguson's show. Ike did his Norm impression for a few seconds after that.
Howard asked who they've been talking about replacing Ferguson. Jimmy said there are a lot of white men saying that they hope it's not another white male taking over. Howard said he'd watch Donald Sterling take over. Ike did his impression of Sterling for a few seconds.
Howard said this guy Sterling puts his foot in his mouth every minute. Even when he's apologizing he screws up. Howard had some tape of Elgin Baylor talking about some of the things that Sterling has said. Howard asked Gary where that clip is. JD told him where it was.
Jimmy said that he came up with a new character for Bryan Cranston. It was LBJD. Howard said Bryan loved the idea and said they might just see that.
Howard played a clip of Elgin Baylor talking about Donald Sterling. He was saying that he is definitely a racist. He also talked about how Sterling would bring women into the locker room and tell them to look at those beautiful black bodies. Howard joked that Donald would come in and brand his players too.
Ike said that Sterling owned some buildings in L.a. too and he'd talk about the tenants that would pay on time and he weeded out all of the people who didn't.
Howard said Tommy Lasorda came out against the girl. He played a clip of Tommy talking about how he's been friends with Sterling for a long time. He said he doesn't wish that girl any bad luck but he hopes she's hit by a car. Howard said that guy is a maniac.
Ike said he was being asked about Donald Sterling on the red carpet at the movie premiers. He said he started out talking about how awful he was but by the end of it he was saying he's a great guy.
Ike wondered if Tommy hates that women or Stuttering John more. Howard said he'd guess Stuttering John. Howard wondered why they'd be asking about that stuff on a red carpet. Jimmy said the worst is when they ask you to mourn a celebrity that died that you don't know.
Howard said when he got on America's Got Talent he had to start doing the red carpet thing. He said they never ask about the show you're doing. He said they ask you about current events. Howard said they ask him about David Letterman retiring instead.
Ike said the worst is the TMZ guys that yell something out that you don't understand. He said you just blurt out something and then it turns into you being for the Nigerian kidnappers.
Howard asked Jimmy about Letterman retiring. Jimmy said he imagines that it would be a nightmare for him to retire and stay home. He said he doesn't think Dave really thought about it. He said he is important to a lot of people and he may regret it. He said he may end up retiring even earlier. He said people are going to come on the show and tell him how much they love him. He said he may just get up and walk away. Howard said it is weird to be in a David Letterman less world. Jimmy said he never really thinks about it.
Howard said he had planned dinner with Steve Martin last week. He said that Dave almost ended up socializing with them. Howard said Steve asked if he wanted him to invite Dave. He said sure and Steve set it up. He said that Dave ended up going to a Don Rickles dinner instead. Howard said he must have realized that what was going on. He said Rickles won out over him. Howard said Rickles is a funny dude. Howard said he is sharp as a tack. He said he had dinner with him not that long ago. Jimmy said he had dinner with him last week.
Ike and Jimmy told some funny stories about Rickles insulting people at shows. Howard said Don is serious with him. He said Don pulls him to the side and tells him what he can say to people's faces and how they don't get angry at him. He said Don thinks that he could be a psychiatrist because of that. Howard said he's so great.
Howard said he and Jimmy had a dinner with Don and they can never tell the story on the radio. Jimmy joked that they pulled a train. Howard said he had to take another break after that. Jimmy said he has to leave. He said he doesn't like to be in the same room with Adam. Howard said Jimmy is going to be on Kelly and Michael later this morning. Howard asked if he will change out of this clothes for that. Jimmy said he will be wearing a suit. He said he does that because Regis is so insistent on that.
Howard asked if Jimmy has a guy who helps him dress. Jimmy said he does have a ''Ralph'' now. He also said that he knows what Adam will be wearing when he comes in. He said that he'll be wearing a flannel shirt. He said he's very predicable.
Howard took a call from Hanzi and let him say a few words. He said he has no idea who this Ike guy is but he likes him. Then Ike did his impression of Hanzi and Hanzi said now he knows why no one has ever heard of him before. Hanzi said that he knows Ike says shit about him on the internet too. Ike said he and Howard get together to do that all the time.
Hanzi asked if he can get a job with Jimmy. Howard told him to send in some writing samples and he'll get them to Jimmy. Hanzi said he isn't going to do that. Howard said his time was up after that. Howard said goodbye and Hanzi let out an ''Oh fuck...'' as Howard hung up on him.
Howard thanked Jimmy for coming in. He congratulated him on the birth of his child and said he hopes it doesn't ruin their relationship. Jimmy said he's ready to get rid of it if it does. Howard said you can catch Jimmy Kimmel at 11:35pm. He said he's always doing funny stuff. Howard asked if he will raise the kid Jewish. Jimmy said that would be weird since neither he or Molly are Jewish.
Howard thanked Ike Barinholtz for coming in too. He said he's in The Mindy Project which was just renewed. Howard said that Jimmy was renewed for 2 years too.
Howard asked if Jimmy will circumcise his baby if it's a boy. Jimmy said he will because penises look odd when they're not. Ike warned him that Fred is right behind him. He's uncircumcised.
Howard asked Ike if The Mindy Project pays well. Ike said that the show is in prime time so it does pay well. He said he thinks Howard would like Mindy if she was on the show.
Howard asked if Adam is there. Gary said he is and he isn't wearing anything like what Jimmy said he'd be wearing. Fred played a bunch of Richard Simmons ''Gary!'' clips as they were talking about that. Gary asked if they can post the video that Jimmy sent. Gary said they had 50 writers with their laptops playing that clip of Richard Simmons. Jimmy said they have a writer named Gary who hates that. That's why they do it. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that Adam Carolla is there. He said the show is jam packed. He said Adam has written a book called ''President Me: The America That's in My Head.'' Howard said he'll be signing copies in Bookends in Ridgewood, New Jersey today and tomorrow at Caroline's in New York City. He said that he agrees with just about everything gin the book. Howard said he has his kind of book. He said you can open it on any page and start reading.
Howard said he thinks that Adam wrote this book himself. Adam said Howard doesn't know him very well. He said he did use a guy to help. He said his agent would ask how he has jokes to write a book just a year after writing the last one he'd point out that he has a Podcast and he has a guy who takes stuff out of that. He said he has a guy who listens to says this is funny and puts it into the book.
Howard said Adam said if he was President he'd eliminate the Vice President position. He said he agrees with him on that. He said he's all for that. He said there is no reason to have one. We just need to have another election.
Howard said that Adam says that having successful people in America is a good thing. Adam said that they are charitable and nice and it helps out to have people like that around.
Howard said Adam pointed out that everything is made in Asia now. Howard said he ordered some cabinets from a company in America and he thought they were built there. He said they showed up and pieces were missing. He said that he wants to believe in America. Adam said he was building something for his daughter and it was an American Girl doll canopy bed that was made in China. He said we're done when an American Girl Doll thing is built in China.
Howard said in the most brilliant part of the book he writes about strip clubs. He said he hit it all on the head. He asked if he still goes to strip clubs. Adam said it's on special occasions like a bachelor party or Mondays and Wednesdays. Howard said Adam pointed out that the music in the clubs is ''syntho crap'' and it hurts your teeth. Howard said that Adam pointed out that they used to play rock in the clubs but now it's this awful club music. Howard said he also talks about the drinks and how girly they've become.
Howard said that Adam also hit it on the head with the stripper pole. Adam said they have to steady themselves on something and that's what it used to be for. He said they were on stilettos and had a D-cup weighing them down. Adam said now the girls are on the pole doing stunts and hanging upside down. Howard said Adam said that they're pulling off stunts that Bart Conner couldn't even pull off. Adam talked about how the girls do fire stunts and things like that at the strip clubs. Howard said he doesn't go to the strip clubs anymore.
Howard asked Adam if he would really like to be the president. Adam said he's sure he'd be killed by his own secret service members. Howard said he thinks that he'd blow up half the world if he was President.
Howard said Adam is upset that he has to wear his reading glasses to jerk off to YouPorn. Howard said he knows what that's like. He said that he can't really focus on what he's looking at. Adam said it was one of the saddest moments in his life. He said he was in San Jose at the time. He said he was doing his comedy tour. Adam said being out on the road is sad, especially the day after doing a show at night. He said that you watch the local news and you only see them this one time. He said you're watching the news and they're talking about a school with tainted yogurt and you don't care because you'll never be there again.
Adam said the sadder the city is the bigger the hotel room is. He said you go to San Jose and the room is huge but then you go to New York and the room is tiny. Adam said that he went to the bathroom in San Jose and he went into the bathroom to do his thing. He said he found himself standing there holding up the tablet. Then he realized he had to get his glasses. He said he caught a look at himself in the mirror and he wondered what was going wrong. Adam said if you had said to him in high school when he'd stop being off he would have figured 23 or 24. He said you're married by 22 so that should be the end of that. Adam said he's almost 50 and still jerking off.
Howard said Adam pointed out that Curly from the Three Stooges is called the fat one but he's really not fat compared to people today. Adam said he's taking about women too. He said there are so many fat women.
Howard said that Adam talks about driving around in their cars and sticking bumper stickers on them. Howard said he agrees with him on that. Adam said that they have people who put these stickers on their car saying ''End War'' or something. He said they're the worst with the pet stickers too. He said there are also these people who have license plate frames saying that they're proud grandparents. He said there are also bumper stickers on the municipal vehicles and they say ''Stop Senior Abuse'' and things like that. Adam said they might as well say ''Serial Rapists. Knock it off.''
Howard said Adam wants to cut NASA funding. He said he advocates that we let Germany off the hook way too easy. Adam said we need to bomb them again. He said if you go to the holocaust museum you see just what they did. He said you wonder ''what the fuck'' and he's not even Jewish. He said he understands rounding them up but you don't kill them. Adam said this would send a good message to the rest of the world. He said it would make the other countries think twice.
Howard asked Adam about what he said about how a woman should be limited on how much they should spend on a wedding dress. Adam said he thinks it should be a $1000 cap. He said they could go up $100 if they can fit into it a year after the wedding.
Howard said Adam talks about Jimmy Kimmel in the book and says that he only took up fly fishing because he became friends with Huey Lewis who likes fly fishing. Howard asked if he's jealous of that relationship. Adam said Jimmy was calculated and smart. He said he wanted to be a celebrity so he could hang out with Howard and Huey Lewis. He said it's nice to get paid and recognized. Adam said when you think about making money one thinks about what you want to do with that money. He said some people want a car or a house or whatever. Adam said he thinks Jimmy thought that if he got into that line of work he could hang out with Huey Lewis, Howard Stern and David Letterman. He said he was wrong about Letterman but he does hang with Howard.
Howard said Adam thinks of fly fishing as a punishment. Adam said he actually said that it sounds like something your agent would yell at you if you did something he didn't agree with. He said it would be like ''Next year you'll be fly fishing with Huey Lewis!''
Howard said he loves this about the book. He said Adam asked why socks come in such a variety of sizes. Howard said that some are size 6-12. Adam said that you wonder how a 6 can fit a 12. He said shoes come in half sizes and the sock thing is such a cop out. Howard said Adam says that he'd make those sizes if he was President.
Howard said Adam says the truth in his book. He talks about Bob Dylan being an over rated hack. Howard said he can't play the harmonica and he can't play guitar very well. Howard said Adam points all of this out and more about Dylan.
Howard said Adam has hit on so many things. He said he calls out Decaf coffee drinkers too. Adam said we're stupid and retarded as human beings. He said that he's not sure of the percentage of Decaf drinkers. He said he's not sure why we're 50/50 at a hotel for the continental breakfast. He said the regular coffee is the one that's empty.
Adam said he just got done shooting his movie that he crowd funded thanks in part to Howard. He said they had the breakfast laid out every morning. He said when he got to the set they had 21 vegetarian meals there and they were all still there at the end of the morning. He said the Decaf thing is a pussy move just like the vegetarian food thing.
Howard said Adam points out how amazing it is that a stamp gets a letter across the country. He said it's just 46 cents to do that. Howard said that everyone is down on the postal service. Howard said that you go to Italy and you can't get a letter delivered. Adam said anyone who complains about a stamp going up 2 cents is an asshole. He said that you're too old to be complaining about that.
Howard asked Adam what's wrong with people who wear camouflage to the gym. Adam said it's kind of an 80s thing and you're meant to blend in with that. He said you're not blending it at all. Howard said Adam hates yoga mat guys too. Adam said he saw a guy carrying his mat on a flight he took. He said he had a strap and holder for his yoga mat. He said that it's just to show everyone on the plane that he's better than you.
Adam asked Howard what he thinks about this. He said once a year every male in the country who is 18 and above puts their junk in a hole full of water and the get to see the displacement of it. He said then you get to see their ranking. He said the guy who comes out at number 1 is going to be amazing. He said for a month everyone has to wear a windbreaker with their number on it. Robin asked why this would happen. Adam said it's for morale. He said that you will run into someone with a smaller number than you eventually. Adam said every year thousands of guys turn 18 and they have new guys entering. He said this would be huge.
Howard asked if Adam has ever seen Jimmy's cock. Adam said he has. He said it's a nice size. Howard said he would have figured that Adam was bigger. Adam said it's not. He said Jimmy's is nice.
Howard said Adam talks about how people from coach on an plane will try to use the first class bathroom. Adam said he doesn't want someone from back there trying to pinch a loaf in the bathroom in first class. He said in 12 years they're just going to end up shitting in the aisle.
Howard said last time Adam was there he had a TV show called ''Catch a Contractor'' and it debuted to the largest audience that Spike TV had ever seen. He has been renewed for a second season. Adam said they have renewed it and made it an hour long instead of a half hour. Howard asked if Jimmy will want to hang with him again. Adam said maybe after fly fishing with Huey.
Adam said he was going to visit his dad in the hospital a while back. He said he was going out to his car and this security guard asked what he was up to these days. He said the guy thought he was just chilling and not doing anything. He said he told him that something will come up eventually.
Howard gave Adam some more plugs for his book and book signings. He wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said before Robin gets into it he's going to play a JD Sex Tip. JD had a tip about a girl with big boobs. Howard said if you wanted to throw up from Ronnie just wait until you hear this one. Howard started it over and JD talked about just squeezing the big boobs and tit fucking them and cumming on them. Howard said that was vile. Robin said JD was supposed to give them a tip but he said ''just do whatever.'' She asked what kind of tip that was.
Robin got into her news and read a story about a hearing taking place today over Casey Kasem and how his kids are trying to get visitation with their father. Robin said that Casey's wife Jean is still trying to keep the kids from seeing him. Robin said Kasem is suffering from symptoms similar to advanced Parkinson's. Howard did his Casey Kasem impression for a short time. Howard did the top 5 countdown as Casey Kasem. He had Katy Perry at number 5 and at number 4 was Iggy Asalea with ''Fancy.'' Howard said at number 3 was Ariana Grande featuring Iggy Azalea with ''Problem.'' Number 2 was Pharrell Williams and John Legend was number 1. Howard also played a Casey Kasem recording session clip where he freaked out over what he was reading. Howard also played a prank call the guys made to a Chinese restaurant using Casey Kasem countdown clips to place an order.
Robin read a story about people passing on and how they have to think about a will. Robin said that you have to think about how you want to be disposed of. Howard said he's like Larry King and he wouldn't want to be burnt. He said he wants to be put in a mausoleum. He said he wants to be above ground so he can get out if he's buried alive. Robin said that they say that if you don't prepare then it can lead to family arguing with each other and that's usually over money. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin asked Howard about what type of dog is best to own. Howard said he'd guess a Golden Retriever or Lab. Robin said Goldens are the best to own for new dog owners. Howard said they're very mellow. Robin said they surveyed over 200 vets and they found that Goldens were the number one for new owners. Robin said poodles and Labrador retrievers were next on the list.
Howard said that it was a beautiful night at Madison Square Garden the other night. He said Billy Joel is amazing to watch. He said it was a great night and Billy has adopted a lot of pets from the North Shore Animal League. He also gave all of the proceeds from his show that night to Bianca's Furry Friends which will be a cage free environment for these animals. Howard said that Billy bonded with a puppy there at the show and he adopted it. Howard said this dog is so cute. He said it's a mix between like a wiener dog and something else. He said it's the cutest combination.
Howard said he also has to mention that they adopted Yoda the cat who is dying from cancer. He said this is their sixth cat. He said they're going to be fostering another litter of kittens too. He said you can apply to adopt by emailing BethSternFosters@gmail.com
Howard said Billy Joel is very generous and they are going to be breaking ground on this Bianca's Furry Friends project. He said that's thanks to Billy.
Robin read a story about a high school football player who got a date with a Texans cheerleader. Robin said the prom happened over the weekend and the cheerleader said her life has changed since she said yes. Robin said you have to just keep trying out there and you will get a yes.
Robin read a story about a janitor who found a lot of money in a bathroom he was cleaning. They ended up giving him a good portion of that money that was unclaimed. Robin said sometimes it's good to be honest.
Robin read about the NFL draft and how Michael Sam was drafted by the St. Louis Rams. Robin said when he got the news it appeared on TV. Robin said he kissed his boyfriend in happiness. Robin said that started the twitter pages going crazy. Robin read some of the tweets from the angry people out there who were upset about that kiss. Robin said one player got in trouble for saying something on Twitter. He has since apologized. Gary came in and said he saw it on ESPN and they kept repeating it over and over every 20 minutes for hours. Howard asked Robin if he can hear how phlegmy he is. Robin said she can hear it. Gary said he cleaned the garage over the weekend and there was a lot of dust in there.
Howard asked Gary how his tooth is. Gary said in 2 weeks he should have a new tooth ready. Howard said elephants are nervous that he needed a new tooth. He said the price of ivory shot up when he broke that tooth. Howard said the tooth fairy tried to pick it up and now he's on disability for 6 months. Howard said the good news is that he's cured of his toe fungus. Howard said he wants to see. Gary said he'll show it. Howard said Gary has tackled that many times in the past. Gary said it's gone right now. He said he threw away a lot of old shoes that may have been retaining fungus. He said he was on a pill for 3 months to get rid of it.
Robin read a story about how they're thinking about removing the ban on transgenders in the military. Howard said as far as he's concerned he doesn't get why they can't serve. Howard said he's assuming they're talking about post op transgenders. He said he doesn't care what you have in your pants. He said if you're brave enough to fight in war then why not be able to serve? He said that they should let anyone serve. He said if you're a citizen of this country then you should be allowed to serve.
Robin read a story about a hot air balloon accident that happened last week. Robin said one of the balloons hit a power line and burst into flames. Robin said the basket was just gone a short time later. Robin read about some of the people who perished. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Marco Rubio talking about global warming. She had some audio of him talking about that. Howard said they've been warning about this since he was a kid. He said people insist on having kids and we have nowhere to put everything. He said it's too much and no one is listening. Howard said all of this consumption is what the problem is. He wonders how you can be against science and not believe that's what it is. Robin said Rubio is considering if he will run for President in 2016. She had some audio of him commenting on that too.
Robin read a story about the Nigerian kidnapping and had some audio of someone commenting on that. Howard said it's unbelievable. Robin said there are some groups that are afraid of educated and empowered women. Robin said over 200 school girls were kidnapped in April. Robin had some audio of someone talking about what they think can be done about this. Robin said the kidnappers released some video that may be showing some of the kidnapped girls.
Robin read about Donald Sterling coming out and talking to Anderson Cooper about what he did and why he did it. Robin said he insists he's not a racist and it took him so long to come out because he was emotionally distraught. Robin said Sterling's wife wants to hold on to the team but the NBA wants the whole family out.
Robin read a story about Oscar Pistorius' trial and how this is the last week of it. Howard said he read that they're saying that it's looking more and more like it was an accidental shooting. Howard said he wants that guy's lawyer if he ever gets in trouble. He said this guy's lawyers are better than OJ's.
Robin said this week is Barbara Walters' last week on air. Howard said he doesn't think she can do it. Robin said she says she will just be behind the scenes after this.
Howard said he wanted to give a shout out to Adam Levine but he wonders why he dyed his hair blonde. He said hew as voted as sexiest man and he changed his hair. Howard said he picked the wrong time to do it.
Howard said he watched some of the NFL draft and he thinks that's what they should do with the late night guys. He said that they could trade them between the networks. Howard said that way they'd know what was going on.
Robin read about how Larry Wilmore will be taking over for Stephen Colbert when he leaves to take over for Letterman. Robin said Wilmore will have a show called The Minority Report. Robin had some audio of Wilmore talking to Jon Stewart.
Howard said he read about a movie theater where they let you sit in a hot tub during the movie. Howard said it seems like a good way to catch something. He said they also developed a device to sense when you pee in a pool. Howard said that he likes that. He said he wants to know more about this hot tub cinema. He said that hot tub is going to be like semen stew.
Robin read a story about how Microsoft could be bringing out a mini tablet to compete with the iPad mini and other small tablets. Howard said they should just make Outlook better. He said we don't need another tablet.
Robin asked how his Mother's day was. Howard said he didn't have much going on. He said he got his mom a card and all of that. He said they don't really get together.
Robin read a story about a woman who had twins last week and they shared an amniotic sack and placenta. They say that only happens with one in 10,000 twin births.
Robin read a quick story about the Washington Monument reopening.
Robin had a story about P. Diddy getting an honorary degree and had some audio of him speaking to the students at the school.
Howard read that Diane Keaton was on some show talking about how she was a binge and purge person. He said she claimed that she was eating 20,000 calories a day. Howard said he bets that Jason eats that much. Robin said that's hard to do. Howard said he doesn't know. He said that's crazy. He said Benjy does that for a snack.
Robin read about Justin Timberlake sitting down with Oprah Winfrey for her Master Class show. Robin said that Justin talked about a few things on the show and she had some clips for Howard to play.
Robin read a story about Justin Bieber appearing in a video for a Christian rapper. Robin had some audio Justin talking about that.
Howard said a lot of people were fascinated with what Seth Rogen had to say about Justine Bieber on the show last week. He said there were a lot of news stories about it. Howard said Bieber tweeted back to Seth about how he's sorry for not bowing down to him.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:05am.
Jon said he thinks that Eric the Actor is going to regret turning down this offer to go up against Gonzo. Gary said he probably won't ask Eric to do anything anymore. Jon said that you want to go to someone more appreciative after that. Gary said that some day Howard may get sick of talking to Eric and this could be one of the reasons. He said that you just fall out of favor. He said if you do these things then you don't fall out of favor. Gary said he didn't expect Eric to say yes to this but he was surprised it took 4 days to say no. He said it's not hard to answer the question. Jon said you'd think that he'd pounce on it. Gary said he just wants an answer so he can move on to something else.
Jon said they have to talk about how Howard doesn't get any movie screeners. Gary said that makes Howard nuts. He said the movie company denies sending them to people like Matt Lauer and people like that. He said they just lie about it when they ask them why they do that. Gary said that they can send it to Matt Lauer but he's not going to break into the Today show and say he loved the movie. Gary said Howard can do that and tell their listeners that he loved a movie.
Jon asked Gary about his phlegm and if this is something regular for him. Gary said he doesn't give it much thought. He said Howard complains and busts his balls about it. He said he just lets it happen.
Jon said Howard was complaining about going to see Bryan Cranston's play before he even went last week. Gary said he was complaining about it on Thursday. Gary said he can't understand why Howard can't just let it go and enjoy these things. He said if he did that then the show wouldn't be what it is. Gary said he feels bad for Howard. Jon said he complains a lot too but you forget the little details if you enjoyed it. He said for Howard it's the opposite. He said that Howard is driven crazy by the little things. Gary wondered if Howard has ever pitched a perfect game and had a good time. Jon said he doesn't think so. Gary said that there are times when everything goes just right but he doesn't think Howard has had that.
Gary said that Ike is a super fan of the show and that can be a good angle to get a guest on the show. Gary said they got a sense of him before he came in. He said he remembers getting a similar pitch about Jimmy before he came on the show the first time. Gary said Jimmy is a great hang on the show too. He said he's not too overwhelming.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Howard might be jealous of Jimmy hanging out with Huey Lewis. He asked what Howard does with Jimmy when he hangs with him. Gary said they just hang out at the house and things like that. Gary said he's not sure what the fly fishing thing is all about. Jon said he doesn't think Howard is jealous at all.
Jon said there is a side of Jimmy that's into sports. He said Howard isn't into that stuff. He said he thinks that is removed from their relationship. Gary said there is plenty of other stuff to cover.
Jon said Gary brought up the trivia contest. He said Gary got that first one wrong about Sal. Gary said he thought it was Cane the Candy Rapper when it was Cool the Candy Rapper. Gary said he let everyone go on their questions and then they threw out questions and he kept jumping in and answering. He said Robin got upset with him over that. He said he was just playing the game. Gary said Shuli said that the competitive gene in him was coming out. He said of course it was. Jon said the questions were hard but not too hard. He said he didn't know what Riley's wife name was. Gary said he loves that Howard once said that the Jesus Twins' song ''Feel My Ubiquity'' should be renamed ''Feel My Obscurity.'' They went to break a short time later.
Jon asked Gary what he thought of Hanzi's job interview with Jimmy today. Gary asked if that was really an interview. Gary said there is a general view of the Wack Pack that their time on the show is indicative of their work. He said they think they should get a job based on what they do on the show. Gary said he thinks Eric the actor is like that. Jon said that Eric has been on some shows. Gary said he doesn't think he'd have any of those jobs if he wasn't on the Howard Stern Show. He said they got him those jobs. Gary said that the guy from Mary McCormack's show put him on because he's such a super fan of the show. Jon said his reel seems to be growing. Gary said that they did something on the show once with Mark Coppola. He said he's Nic Cage's brother. He said he's in every Francis Ford Coppola movie for like 15 seconds. He said they once did a Mark Coppola film festival. He said if they did that for Eric they'd have under a minute of material for him. He said he could have 10 times as much if he'd do what they want him to do in shows. Gary said at least Eric can get some things done when Hanzi can't even do that.
Jon brought up the poem that Jimmy read this morning. Ronnie came in and said he got a copy of it. He said he thinks that Jason would have done a better job of delivering it. Ronnie said Jason knows how to deliver his shit. Jon asked if there's anything that he would change in the poem. Ronnie said he would have to look at it again. He said he didn't have much time today. He said they were very busy with the guests today. He said Ike was really cool today too. He said that movie ''Neighbors'' was really funny shit too.
Gary said he may be the only one in the compound who watches the show that Ike is on. He said he's on The Mindy Project. Jon said he loved Ike in Eastbound and Down as the Russian baseball player. He said he did some great impressions today too.
Gary and Jon were talking about stay at home dads when Gary asked if Jon could do that. Jon said he thinks he could. Gary said he could never do that. Jon said he doesn't think he'd be that good at it but he thinks he could do it. He said the grass is always greener though. Gary said that Mary went to get her hair done once when Jackson was like 2 months old. He said that he had his door bell ringing and the baby was screaming. He said that he wanted to call his wife to come home now. Jon said the good thing is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for them.
Jon asked Ronnie if he thinks he could be a stay at home dad. Ronnie said no way. He said he knows a guy on his block who does that and he admires him for that. He said he sees him out watering his lawn a lot though so he must want to get out of the house.
Jon said that story Ike told about getting out of school was interesting. Gary said that's a heavy duty thing to keep from your parents. Ronnie said that's like girls who are pregnant and their mothers don't know it. He said you see these stories on TV all the time. Gary said he's not sure how that ever happens.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he went to a gender party for a baby that was being born. He said that they let the people know by letting out blue balloons at the end. He said it was actually good. The caller wondered if Hanzi was ever normal because he remembers him being kind of normal in the past. Gary said he doesn't remember that. Jon said he can be normal but then he's set off really easy. Gary said he knows he was up there once and he didn't remember him being that odd. Ronnie said he remembers him being on the Wrap Up Show. Gary said he was just a regular caller who was interesting. He wonders when he became the screaming caller guy.
Ronnie said Hanzi came to the block party shows and he was like a normal guy. He said he knows the guy is nuts in some ways but when you hang out with him he's a normal guy. He said maybe some of it is shtick. Gary and Jon said they don't think so. Gary said he may not want to take all of the medications he needs to.
Steve Brandano said he loves Hanzi. He said he thinks that he gets nervous and amped when he's on the air with Howard. He said he's not out of control when he calls in. He said he doesn't think that's all shtick either though. Steve said it's hard to get out what you want to say with Howard and that can be hard for Hanzi too. They went to break a short time later.
Jon asked Ronnie what he thinks about that. Ronnie missed what they were saying. Jon had to explain to Ronnie what Adam said about jerking off and seeing himself in the mirror jerking off while wearing reading glasses.
Gary asked Ronnie how he jerks off in a hotel room. Ronnie said that he watches stuff on his phone or watches something on TV. He said that he hasn't done that stuff in years though. Ronnie said he brings Stephanie with him now so he doesn't need porn.
Gary said Jackie used to go on the road and he'd watch the 3 minute free preview to jerk off. Gary said he'd make a game out of it and see if he could finish before the preview was done. He said he named it ''Beat the Cock.''
Jon said that Jimmy and Adam have been tight for years but they didn't get together today. Gary said he wished he could have had Jimmy stick around today. He said he thinks they're still buddies.
Jon said that Adam complains about a lot of stuff but he makes a lot of sense too. Gary asked if he agrees with the bumper sticker thing. Jon said he does sort of. Gary said he has some stickers for his kids in the windows of his car. He said he did buy a bumper sticker but he won't stick it on his car because he's afraid that it has to be scraped off before he sends it back.
Jon asked about the ''My student is an honor student'' sticker. Gary said it seems like almost every kid is one so it's become devalued.
Ronnie said he has a skull head on his window. Gary asked what he's saying with that. Ronnie said it's just saying he loves skulls. He said he hates bumper stickers though and he won't stick anything on the bumper. Gary said he used to do that when he was younger. Ronnie said that he used to race cars and you could stick the stickers from the race track on the side window. He said he never put bumper stickers on though.
Jon asked Ronnie about what kind of music he likes at strip clubs. Ronnie said many of the girls are allowed to pick their own music. They were talking about that because Adam brought up the awful music they play at the clubs now. Gary said maybe the clubs aren't for a 49 year old man. He said that they might be aiming at 25 year olds who are into that music.
Steve asked what kind of drink is Ronnie's favorite drink at a club. Ronnie gave a bunch of options. Adam mentioned that Red Bull is one of those things he doesn't like about the strip clubs. Ronnie said he drank about 5 drinks one time and they had Bed Bull in them. He said he got out of control that day. He said they had to tie him down because he was so out of control.
Steve asked Ronnie what he thinks about the stripper pole. Ronnie said that they're not necessary. He said that they do stunts on them and just one fall and they're going to be paralyzed. He said that pole doesn't do anything for him. He said he could live without it. He said the girls can dance without a pole.
Gary said the pole was invented so girls could keep their balance. Ronnie said it's a joke to watch some of the girls try to use it. He said if the girl is a little heavier and hasn't done the pole then it's really awkward.
Jon said Howard introduced Billy Joel the other night and he sounded happy and proud of that. Jon said that they deserve congratulations on that. He said Billy even took home a puppy the other night because of it. Jon said that Howard mentioned that Beth can have a dog if she wants. Gary said he thinks there is a dog in their future. Gary said he was at Howard's house last summer and they had like 7 cats in their basement. Gary said he wanted to take one of the cats home. He said he'd go down and play with them once in a while. He said there was a bathroom there that had a mother cat with like 7 kittens. He said that they have a lot going on over there.
Ronnie said he heard Howard anted a bulldog but someone else adopted it. He said he thinks Howard will get one eventually. Gary asked Ronnie if he can see getting another one. Ronnie said it's been rough for him. He said his son has a 120 pound French Mastiff. He said he's going to say no right now but you never know. Gary said it's a lot of work to have a dog. Ronnie said it really is. He said there's something with Dudley. He said he connected to that dog and when he went it was really bad. Gary said these dogs are very different. Ronnie said they really are. He said when they attach themselves to you they're like kids. He said if you don't do something with them then they get upset. He said he's had all kinds of dogs and none of them were like this Vizsla. He said even if he got a dog from the same breeder it's not going to have the same personality.
Ronnie said he went to his mother's grave yesterday and Stephanie wanted to go see Dudley. He said they didn't end up going because the traffic was so insane.
Gary said that Ronnie said something a few weeks ago about his dog. He said they lost him too young. Gary said that hit him. He said they are like a person to you. He said that in the grand scheme of things the dog really did die too young. Ronnie said that the breeder has dogs that have lived 16 years. He said the breeder sends out a newsletter and he saw a picture of Dudley's mother and she looks just like him. He said that it really ripped him up when he lost Dudley. Jon wrapped up the show after that. They were done around 11:05am.
Howard started the show talking about the Donald Sterling tape stuff. He said he's an amazing idiot. He said he shits all over Magic Johnson and now he's not being surreptitiously taped.
Howard said he's been reading about Casey Kasem and how his kids don't know where he is. He said they're trying to find him. Howard said they think he was in the state of Washington and now he's being moved to an Indian reservation. Robin said they must really not want him found. Howard read an article about Casey Kasem and how a judge has ordered an investigation to find out where Kasem is. Howard said they say he has been moved from Los Angeles and his kids don't know where he is. Howard said for years he hasn't read about him and this is a great move for his brand. Howard said he'd like people to battle over him. He said he doesn't think anyone would give a shit. He said they'd be telling each other to take care of him.
Howard read more about the missing Casey and how his daughter Kerry was appointed his temporary care taker. Howard said that she doesn't know where he is but thinks he may be on an Indian reservation in Washington State. Howard said he's not sure why they'd put him there.
Howard said JD knows people who follow him immediately. He said he knows when a woman follows him and he will try to get in touch with her to fuck her if she does. Howard asked who the woman was that followed JD. JD came in and said there was a woman named Jen Bosworth who is on TV. JD said he saw that and he was like ''wow!'' Howard asked how he knows it when someone follows him. JD said it comes up all the time. He said that he doesn't get as many followers as Howard does so he can kind of follow along. Howard said he never checks that stuff.
Howard asked how long it took JD to figure out that this woman was following him. Gary said it was within seconds. Howard asked what he wrote to her. JD started laughing. Howard said it comes off kind of desperate. JD said this probably was a desperate time. Gary said it was like 2 weeks ago. JD said it wasn't 2 weeks ago. Howard said he thought he was in a relationship. JD said he's not. He said he has people he talks to and he's ''seeing what happens with whatever.'' Gary said JD told them that he was with someone a few weeks ago but before that it was about a year.
Howard asked what message he sent to this girl. JD said it was probably something about asking her if she's a fan of the show and she's gorgeous. Howard asked if he would tell a girl in a bar that she's gorgeous. JD said probably not. JD said he probably asked her ''Hey, who are you'' or something like that. He said he found out she's married though.
Robin asked if he knows that scares women. JD said yes. Howard said he is very bold on there. Gary said Jason was pre-interviewing people for a contest they had on the show and he figured out that JD had already been in touch with 4 out of 10 of them. Jason came in and said that was the Hottest Chick Biggest Fan contest. He said at least 3 or 4 out of 10 said they had been in contact with JD. Fred played a song parody for JD. It was Daniel Mendelson mumbling to some music.
Howard asked JD if he goes back to these women if they turn him down. JD said he just feels them out. Howard asked if he stopped tweeting this one when he found out she was married. JD said that he has. He said he asked her if she was single and found out she wasn't. He said he said he was sorry for bothering her and moved on. Gary said finding out a woman is married it like finding out she has AIDS to JD. Howard asked if he will keep tweeting someone if they have a boyfriend. JD said he has to feel them out. He said it all depends.
JD asked if he can move on now. Howard said he has more questions. He asked him if that woman still follows him. JD said she does. He said that it's disappointing that she's married though. Fred was doing his impression of JD and mimicking a sound he made. JD said they're doing this now and they have Dr. Fisch coming later to tell him how unhealthy he is. Howard said that's right. He said they have him coming in to tell them how unhealthy they all are. Howard said he thinks Jason will be the most unhealthy. Benjy said he thinks he's more obese than Jason is.
Howard said JD is fat but he's not that bad. He said Jason you can't really tell because of the way he dresses. Jason said he has put on a lot of weight recently. He said he's definitely fat. Howard asked JD and Jason if they don't goof on each other because they're both fat. JD said Jason will do it either way.
Howard asked if Jason loves eating or does he really hate food. Jason said he loves food and enjoys it. He said he spent Sunday cooking his meal for 8 hours. He said he was slow cooking ribs and making other stuff. Howard asked if he enjoys it though. Jason said he is eating too much and he still enjoys it.
Howard said he knew an obese chick who would hold out her pinkie while she ate. He said he wondered why she didn't put that down. Benjy said that he eats just a little but then he can't sleep and he starts stuffing and stuffing. Jason said when he eats it's not healthy. He said he had a baked potato the other night and it was smothered in stuff so it no longer looked like a potato. Benjy asked if he eats until he's stuffed. Jason said he doesn't.
Howard asked Jason if he weighed himself in the studio the other day. Jason said he did. He said he thinks the scale is about 10 pounds off. He said he's 290 pounds according to that scale. Howard asked how tall he is. Jason said he's 5'10'' tall. Jason said he thought he was closer to 270. Howard said he has a happening look and he doesn't look that sloppy. Jason said that's why he started wearing the jackets.
Howard asked Jason if he shits a lot. Jason said he does it twice a day usually. He started to describe them and Howard said he was grossed out.
Jason said he's heavier than the guys there but he thinks if they had a test on a treadmill he could do better than the other guys there.
JD asked Jason about getting winded running to a train. Jason said it was worse than that. He said he was playing air hockey and he got winded. He said he was halfway through the second game and he was out of breath. He said that was the first time out in Air Hockey history.
Gary said there was a moment at a writer's meeting last week that was really funny. Gary said that they came up with the idea for everyone in the meeting to recreate his pitch. He said Sal threw like a girl. Then Benjy gets up and tries to throw. He said that Benjy threw twice and he had his hands on the table and was laughing. He said that he felt light headed from that. Howard said Benjy is a young guy. Howard said he thinks he is anyway. Gary said he's somewhere between 40 and 50. Howard said Benjy has to get that under control. Howard asked why he was winded. Benjy said he was laughing and threw the paper ball. He said it was a combination that led to him being winded. Jason said he has the video of that. He said the audio is funny too. Howard said he should put that on the web site. Howard said he had to see that video. Howard said he was almost on the floor in the video.
Howard congratulated JD on another failed romance. Howard saw a picture of this Jen Bosworth chick and he said she's really hot. He asked how old she is. Howard asked if her lips are real or inflated. JD said he's not sure. Howard asked how old she is. Jason said she thinks she's like 28 or so. Howard said JD swooped right in on her. Howard said it's almost insulting to the girl when he thinks he can get her. Howard said she probably ran to her husband asking if he could believe JD thought he could get her.
Howard had a JD's Sex Tip clip that he played. In that one JD talked about getting a blow job and how the woman should keep it moist. He didn't care if they swallowed either. Howard, Fred and Robin were doing impressions of JD and JD wondered what Robin's impression was. Robin said that's him. He didn't think it sounded like him though. Howard said JD is like a lion when he roars.
Howard asked JD if he's going to mute anyone on Twitter. JD said he doesn't know. Howard said they came up with this new mute thing so you can unfollow but not really unfollow someone. He said you mute them and they think you're still following them. He said that's a great feature. He asked when it starts. JD said it may have started yesterday. Howard read about it and they said it starts in a few weeks. Howard said he may go back to reading this shit again. He said he likes following people and getting information but he's really only interested in about 5 people. Howard said he will be muting a bunch of people.
Howard said he owes Robin a phone call. He said they keep missing each other. He said they check in on voice mail. Howard let JD go after that.
Howard wondered if this Donald Sterling inherited money or made it on his own. He said you have to have some common sense to make money on your own. He said he was on Anderson Cooper's show talking about Magic Johnson and making a fool out of himself. Howard played a clip of Sterling talking about Magic Johnson and how he has AIDS and he's not sure that's what we should have our kids looking up to. Anderson told him he has HIV and not full blown AIDS. Sterling was talking about how he doesn't really help anyone out. Sterling realized he was getting into something that was going to get him into trouble so he cut himself off. Howard said the guy is off his rocker. He said he's a fucking retard. Robin said she loves how most racists don't know they're racists.
Howard said Sterling started crying too. He said he was talking about this V. Stiviano who taped him saying all of this stuff. Sterling was talking about how great she is and how there are 15 children in her family and she supports them all. He said she made some mistakes. He said he thought that she cared for him. He started crying when he was talking about that. He said she's not a bad person. Howard said ''yes she is.'' Howard played more of him crying while talking about how good she is. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Sharon Osbourne is coming in this morning. He said that she's a terrific lady. He said that he worked with her for a season on America's Got Talent.
Howard said there is no update on Imran Khan writing for Jimmy Kimmel yet. He said Hanzi wouldn't be that out there as a writer. He said just look at the writers on his show.
Howard said that Jimmy Kimmel mentioned he bought a bunch of things for Eric the Actor from his Amazon.com wish list. Howard said he went through the list and there are 34 types of guns on it. He said he must plan on seceding from the union. He said he's arming himself for that. Howard played a song parody that Sal and Richard came up with for Eric. They did it to the tune of Aerosmith's ''Jamie's Got a Gun.''
Howard read about some of the other things on the list. Here are a few of the things Howard mentioned: a 10 pound boxes of jelly belly, train sets, flag poles, train equipment, video games to learn math, a replica of the Oakland A's stadium, a roulette set, 19 types of cologne, energy drinks, Gatorade, 128 ounce jugs of Worcestershire sauce, pop rocks, cuff links and many others.
Howard said there are a few things that are high priority. He said one of the things on the high priority list was snack chips. Howard said he had a picture of the Welcome to Las Vegas sign on the list. He said he's not sure what he plans on doing with that. Robin said she wouldn't know what to send. Howard said Jimmy has sent a bunch of things. Robin said she'd probably send the model train stuff.
Howard said he read that Dr. Dre made like $3 billion off of the Beats headphones. He said that's crazy. Robin said that's why everyone is creating headphones. Howard said Dr. Dre knew somehow. Howard said he heard he got rid of his medical license because of that. He said he doesn't treat patients anymore.
Howard said he read that Jon Hamm is a big fan of his. He said he read an article about that. Gary said he was up there on Friday and wanted to do the show but they're not there. He said that they had him pick his 4 favorite presets for Sirius and he picked Howard's channel as one. Howard thanked Jon for giving them a shout out.
Howard said that James Garfield's grave is in Ohio and he was buried with a spoon collection. Howard said that someone stole his spoon collection and the only suspect he can think of is JD. Howard played a song parody about his spoon collection.
Howard said that Ike Barinholtz got a lot of great feedback yesterday. He read some of the messages they got about Ike and about Hanzi and Eric the Actor too.
Howard said that Clay Aiken is running for congress and the guy he was running against dropped dead. He said that they were very close in the race and if the dead guy wins then they won't just make Clay the winner. He said they will just appoint someone. He said it's not an automatic win. They spent a minute talking about that and then went to break.
Howard came back and said that Sharon Osbourne is there. He said she's on The Talk and they were just nominated for a daytime Emmy. Howard said she looks beautiful as usual. Howard asked how she is. Sharon said she's good and she really misses Howard. Howard said he misses her too.
Howard said he heard she wanted him to take over for Letterman. Howard asked why he would want that job. Sharon said it's a great job. Howard said it's terrible. Howard said Sharon smells great too. He said she isn't offensive like some people do when they put on too much. Sharon said that's her vagina. She said it smells of lemons. Howard said that reminds him of America's Got talent. He said she would say stuff like that to him at AGT. He said she's filthy. Sharon said she knows he misses her. Howard said of course he does.
Howard asked Sharon about being nominated for 5 Emmys with The Talk. Sharon said they were nominated as best hosts which is fantastic. Howard asked who is up against them. Sharon said they're up against The View. She said the Emmys are next month. She said she thinks that Barbara Walters deserves the Emmy. She said she's leaving TV now and it's fine if she wins it.
Howard asked if Sharon will cry if she wins. She said she'll pretend to cry. She said she can do that. Howard said she really can. Howard said he saw her do it on AGT. Howard said Sharon can just break into tears no problem. Howard said he thought it was incredible. Howard said she was just acting and he found it amazing. Howard told her to cry now. He told her to pretend she just saw his penis. Sharon laughed and said she loves Howard.
Howard asked Sharon about doing The View and if she's still doing that singing show. She said she's done with the singing. She said if she hears that song from ''Frozen'' one more time she's going to throw up. Howard said a lot of singers weigh a lot on those shows. Sharon said they are not stars. She said they're all great backing singers, not stars. She said the people who are stars can't even sing sometimes. She said that these people who go on these shows are all backing singers. Howard said Ozzy would put on a show and he looked like a mad man. Sharon said it's about individuality. She said there's a guy on American Idol who looks like Meat Loaf's son and it's a joke. Sharon said these people should all go home.
Howard said Sharon was a manager for rock musicians. Sharon said she worked with huge names like Billy Corgan, Black Sabbath, Electric Light Orchestra and more. She said she bows down to Jeff Lynn from ELO. She said he's an amazing talent. Sharon said that they have great catalogs behind them. Sharon said you don't get someone who has a pop song hit that's going to go away.
Howard said it's hard to sell records these days. He asked how Sharon would work that today if she had a band to manage. Sharon said that you have to do everything through social media now. She said you have to get a buzz going and put up a video on YouTube and all of that. She said you don't even need a record company now. She said if you do it yourself you can put it up on iTunes and get all the money. She said you keep your publishing that way too. She said it's not what it was. Sharon said there are only a handful of bands that can sell millions.
Sharon said Ozzy sells tons of merch at his shows all around the world. She said that he has his music in movies and commercials and all of that too.
Howard asked Sharon about The Voice over in England. Sharon said those shows are dwindling now. She said it's not as big over there as it is here. She said Tom Jones is one of the judges on that show over in England. Howard asked who else is on it. Sharon said it's Kylie Minogue and Will I. Am. Howard said it seems like On Britain's Got Talent the judges cry more. He said he wants to cry this season on AGT. He asked if she misses doing the show. Sharon said of course she does. She said she and Howard had such a great time. Sharon said she hears from Howie all the time. She said she sees Nick too. Howard said they had a fun season over there. Howard said she went berserk and left the show. Sharon said that she can't keep her mouth shut. She said if she doesn't like something she says it and then they tell her to fuck off.
Howard asked Sharon if she was dressed for the show or were those her's. She said they were all her clothes. She said that on The Talk they have some things she wears for them but most of it is her's.
Howard asked if she hangs out with Julie Chen. Sharon said they do. She said she goes over to their house and watch movies in his movie theater. She said she has those big movie projectors in the theater. She said that they have everything there. Howard asked what movies she's seen there. Sharon said they show art movies because they're posh.
Howard asked how they get invited over. Sharon said Julie will invite the girls from The Talk over. Howard asked if she had to go down on one of her co-stars who would she do. Sharon said that she'd do Sara. She said she's tiny. Howard asked if she would go down on Julie. Sharon said that Les would beat the shit out of her. Sharon stuck with Sara. She said she's not a rug muncher though so she's never done that. Howard said he thinks he could have banged her on AGT when they were working together. Sharon laughed. Howard said he thinks she'd be up for something behind Ozzy's back. Sharon laughed and said she loves Howard. Howard said he'd clear out the canal for her.
Howard asked if the girls really like each other so much that they hang out. Sharon said sure. She said the other girls are invited. Howard asked who else would be there. Sharon said Shelli Azoff. Howard said that's Irving Azoff's wife. Howard asked if she would go down on her. Sharon said sure. She said she'll go down on anyone, just bring them in.
Howard said Sharon has become a star in her own right. Howard asked if she has a disguise she wears. Sharon said she loves being recognized. Howard asked if she walks around with body guards. Sharon said no. She said she loves being recognized. Howard asked if she drives herself. She said she does but she's like Mrs. Magoo. She said she will probably end up dead some day. Howard asked if people want her to judge them when she's out. Sharon said they do. She said she tells them to leave her alone and send their kids to Simon Cowell. Howard said he saw Simon the other day on the set of AGT. He said his girlfriend was there. He said he sent the baby a gift though. Sharon said Howard is lovely about that.
Howard asked if Ozzy and Sharon are still arguing about money. Sharon said Ozzy has a phobia about money. She said that it's hard for him to change that mindset you have growing up like that.
Howard said Sharon dragged Ozzy into marriage counseling and he hated it. Sharon said that the therapist would bring things up and he'd get angry at them. She said that he'd get angry at things he did. She had to give up on that. Howard asked if the therapist sat Ozzy down and told him to be angry at himself. Sharon said he'd say the therapist didn't know him so he can't talk to him like that.
Howard asked Sharon what those sessions are like. Sharon said they're supposed to be an hour and a half but Ozzy spends about half an hour in the bathroom. She said that he's always worried about his belly too. She said that he doesn't let himself go and he stays in shape. Howard asked if the therapist is a man. Sharon said it is. Howard asked if he gets right up and goes to the bathroom. Sharon said he does. Sharon said that he'll go in there for 10 minutes. She said his attention span is about 10 seconds. Then he'll come back and he'll look at his belly and then start to hum. She said he hums nothing. She said it's just nonsense. Howard said Sharon must go ape shit.
Howard said the Sharon he knows is a sensitive woman. He said this must drive her up a wall. Sharon said you can't change people. She said you just accept them for who they are or go. She said that Ozzy look sat his watch and at exactly an hour and a half he's ready to go and out the door he goes. She said that she's still trying to get her bag together and Ozzy is in the driveway ready to leave.
Howard asked how many weeks they went. Sharon said they went for a month and that was it. Howard asked if she told Ozzy they were done with therapy after that. She said that's what she did and Ozzy said that the therapist was a jerk and he's glad that she finally saw that.
Howard asked if Ozzy goes to therapy on his own. Sharon said he does. She said that she's not sure why he can do that and not marriage therapy. Howard asked if they talk all the time. Sharon said they do. Sharon said Ozzy worries about dying and that's what they talk about a lot. Howard asked if he wants a burial. She said he does. Howard said he's going to be put in a Mausoleum. Howard said he wants an air hole and wants to be able to get out if he's not dead. Sharon said that's what Ozzy wants too.
Howard said that Larry King is going to be frozen. He said he thinks that if you can be brought back then that's the way to do it. Sharon said he doesn't want to come back in an 80 year old body.
Howard said Ozzy and Sharon are doing well. Howard said Sharon is very protective of her family. Howard said he saw a story about Sharon going to a Clive Davis party and Sharon got into a fight with Jonah Hill's brother, Jordan Feldstein. Sharon said the kid is a punk. She said he said something about Kelly and her family so she went up to him and said something. She said she's not going to say what he said about Kelly. Sharon said the kid was there with his chicken, mashed potato and gravy and she flipped it up on him. She said he ran off. Sharon said you'd think he'd stand up to her but he ran off.
Howard asked what he said about her. Sharon said it was something about Kelly. She wasn't saying what that was. She said it was inappropriate. Sharon said that guy married Clint Eastwood's daughter and his fiancee didn't know about it. She said that girl sent out pictures of his dick online and she saw how small he is. Howard said Jonah Hill is a wonderful guy. Sharon agreed. She said his brother isn't a nice person though.
Howard asked Sharon about The Talk and what the Emmy will mean to her if she wins. Sharon said she won one for The Osbournes. She said it didn't change her life. Howard asked what he did with the Emmy. Sharon said it's in Ozzy's trophy room.
Howard said that Sharon is on The Talk every weekday afternoon at 2 on CBS. Howard said that she's been on the Atkins died for a few years now too. Sharon said she has been their spokesperson for a few years. Sharon said she really does the diet too. She said she loves her Atkins. Howard said she had her stomach band removed. Howard asked how she looks naked. He told her to take off her clothes and show him. She said Ozzy says that she looks like a patchwork blanket because she's been stitched up so much. Sharon said she had a mastectomy so her boobs are made from her ass fat. She said they put this net inside her tits and that keeps the fat in there. Howard asked why women don't do this more. Sharon said she doesn't know. She said that the implants are very dangerous. Howard asked if she has her nips. She said she has one. The other one died. She said that she doesn't have sensation in the one she still has.
Howard read some quotes that Sharon made about Justin Bieber and Kanye West and others. Howard said that she's always very honest. Howard said she was talking about how she doesn't like the behavior that Justin Bieber has but Howard said that Ozzy had bad behavior too. Robin said that Ozzy had good music though. Sharon thanked her for that.
Howard asked what it is about Kanye West that she doesn't like. Sharon said that his ego is bigger than his status. She said that he says some silly things.
Howard said Sharon has said it all. Sharon said she loves Howard. Howard said he loves her too. Howard asked who they have on today. Sharon said that they have Dolly Parton and Idina Menzel. Howard said Idina did a Billy Joel song at the Town Hall they had for Billy. He said that she did great there. Howard asked if the kids are with her there in New York. Sharon said they are at home in California.
Howard asked Sharon if she's making north of a million endorsing the Atkins diet. Sharon said she's not saying. Howard asked if she's making good money on The View. Sharon said she's doing fine. She said that men make more than women. She said that Howard had a private jet on AGT while she had a ticket on American Airlines. She said that men make more. Howard asked if she's making more than $3 million. Sharon didn't say but Howard assumed it was more than that. Howard said she deserves it. Howard asked if she knows what the other women make. Sharon said they never discuss money.
Howard asked if Sharon has an agent to make her deals. Sharon said she sort of has one. She said she can't deal with them very well. Howard asked when she made a deal for The Talk. She said that she did that about a year ago. She said that she's happy with what she's being paid. Howard said he wonders what it is. Howard said he wants a range. Sharon told him to tell her what he's getting paid to do America's Got No Fuckin' Talent. Howard told her not to bad mouth the show. Sharon said that you never get bored with that show.
Howard asked if Ozzy is up all night peeing. Sharon said he's up and down all the time. Howard said he has that too. He said it's an enlarged prostate. Howard said that Beth sleeps like a log though. He said once he's up he's awake. Sharon said he's up at 5 in the morning playing music and drawing. Sharon said that she gets up at 6 and Ozzy has been up for an hour already.
Howard asked if Ozzy paints. Sharon said he does. Howard said he's been doing that too. Howard gave Sharon some plugs for The Talk and for the Atkins diet and their web site Atkins.com. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that Sharon mentioned Miley Cyrus quickly earlier. Howard said that someone took Miley's song ''Wrecking Ball'' and turned it into a hard rock song. Howard played some of that and said he loves that shit on the internet.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he believes in heaven or the other side. Howard said no. He said he thinks you die and that's it. Robin said whatever you believe doesn't mean it's going to come true. Howard said if he believes something people think that he's right. He said that's just because he's famous. Howard said there was a huge time when he wasn't famous and no one gave a shit about what he thought. Howard said people will hire someone because he used them. He said if he hires a contractor the people in his building think he knows something. He said they don't even know if he liked them or not.
The caller said there are millions of people who have said they have died and came back. Howard said he knows nothing. The caller asked how he can explain the millions who have died and come back. Howard said no one has died and come back. He said they've been near death. The caller said his wife did. Howard said she didn't die. Howard said she may have had a temporary thing happen but it's not death. Howard said that they come back and think they saw something but it was just a dream. Howard asked why he cares what he thinks. The caller, Vince, said that his wife died in the early 70s. Howard asked how she died. He said she was at the dentist and they gave her too much medication. He said she has lupus and that set her off so her heart stopped. Howard said she didn't die. Howard said her heart stopped and she lived.
Vince said he wanted to ask Robin something. Howard said that his wife lived and had an incredible fantasy in her near death experience. Vince said she saw a tunnel. Howard asked why there would be a tunnel. Vince didn't know. He said she met Jesus and talked to him asking about the religions out there. Howard asked why it wasn't Buddha or Allah or someone. Howard said his wife just happened to pick the right guy. Howard asked what Jesus said to her. Vince said that Jesus told her there is no right religion. He said you all go to the same place.
Howard asked Vince about what Jesus said to his wife. He said that he told her she had to go back because she just had a daughter. Howard asked Vince where his wife is because he has questions for her. Howard said she has met Jesus and she's sleeping. Howard said he's stuck with Vince while this woman who has met Jesus is sleeping.
Howard asked how long Vince has been married. Vince said that it's been 12 years. He said that she did describe Jesus to him but he forgot what she said. Howard said he wants to know what Jesus looks like. Vince said that the reason Jesus came back from death was because he was in a coma. Howard said he's putting him to sleep with this.
Vince asked Robin if she felt or saw anything while she was under during her cancer operation. Robin said she has a 12 hour blank in her life. She said she saw nothing. Howard said if Robin saw Jesus they'd have some story there. Vince said there are doctors who said that they didn't believe until they had patients that saw. Howard said he's going to throw up from this conversation. He let Vince go after that.
Robin said that 12 hour gap in her life is frightening. She said she can imagine people making something up to fill that gap. Howard said ''Of course!''
Howard said FOX has said they're going to put on a live version of Grease. He said NBC had the idea to do it live and now FOX is going to follow.
Howard said the NFL Draft was this weekend. He said he knows nothing about it. Howard said he's busy with the Tori Spelling reality show. Howard said it's the best show on TV. Robin said she doesn't usually watch those shows but this one she has to see. Howard said Tori has like a million kids and she's got a camera crew in the house. He said she complains about the Paparazzi following her but she has a camera crew of her own following her. He said he doesn't get that. Robin said she's been accused of faking the cheating story just to get this realty show going. Howard said he hopes it's real.
Howard said the NFL draft was on and Shuli went somewhere that there was a crowd waiting in line. Gary said that was outside Radio City. Howard said that the draft was going on in there. Gary said they show up there to root for their teams. Gary said people come from all over the country. Gary said they sell tickets to the draft. Robin said all they're doing is pulling names of a hat. Gary said it's not that simple.
Shuli said that these people camp out all day. He said they are all out of shape and in their team jersey. He said there were very few women there. He said it was mostly dudes who were heckling each other and going after each other.
Howard said he has tape of Shuli down there. He said that people started chanting Baba Booey when Shuli asked them to.
Howard said there was a guy walking down the street with a back pack on and the people were attacking the guy verbally with their chants. Shuli said that he was walking down the street to the back of the line and that's what he got. They were chanting ''Extra fruity!''
Howard played a clip of Shuli asking a guy what the most racist thing was that he ever said while watching a game. The guy said he said something about one of the players being a beaner and how he wishes he'd go back to Mexico.
Howard played another clip of Shuli asking a Jets fan if he would ever blow a guy if it meant the Jets winning the Super Bowl. Shuli said he asked a bunch of guys that question and only the Jets fans said they would.
Howard played a clip of the crowd chanting ''Virgin!'' over and over as he walked by. They would call anyone in a suit ''Douche bag'' as they walked by. Howard said that's a mean group. Shuli said they were being harassed as they were walking by. Howard said that they would never do that as an individual. He said it's all about the pack mentality.
Howard took a call from Nicole Bass and mentioned that Sour Shoes does a great impression of her. Howard said he'll try to get a clip. Nicole told Howard that she died 3 times in 2000 when she was ill. She said that she didn't see anything. She said there was no one there. Fred did his impression of Nicole as if she was Herman Munster.
Gary told Howard where the Sour Shoes clip was. Nicole was still talking under Howard. Nicole said she died this past summer too.
Howard said he was thinking about Nicole and how she should wear a bracelet explaining that she's Jewish and that she's a woman. Howard and Fred did more of their Herman Munster impressions. Howard asked what she saw when she died. Nicole said she saw nothing.
Howard said this is Sour Shoes as Nicole Bass. Nicole was still talking. Howard told her to stop for a second. Howard played the clip and Sour was doing his Nicole Bass talking really slow and complaining about the ''Billy Troll Town Hall'' that they didn't invite her to. Sour then broke into a Billy Joel song with Nicole singing. Nicole asked where he found that because it's great. Howard said he didn't have to find it. He said Sour called in. Nicole was saying that she'll never get invited to another party after that. Howard said he had to go after that.
Howard played a clip that the guys created of Bugs Bunny mistaking Eric the Actor for a carrot and eating it.
Howard said that Gary's tooth flew out of his mouth the other day and that inspired people to write songs about that. He had one from Matt Evans that he played. He had one from Memet Walker too. They were all about his teeth. Howard played one from Daniel Mendelson too.
Howard said he even had one about him that Tony Daniels did. Howard said he did a Cat Stevens song in his dad's voice. Howard said that was very good.
Howard asked Shuli if he's part of this thing they're doing. Shuli said he's put on a few pounds. He said that he has another kid coming and he has some stress. Howard asked why he's doing that. Howard said he knew he was stressed out from the other kid. Shuli said things are going fine with that kid. He said she's 4 years old now. Shuli said he works good under pressure. Howard said Shuli is always working some angle. He said now he will have to work two angles. Howard asked if he was going for a son. Shuli said this was kind of an accident. He said he didn't really want to have another one. Howard said Shuli wants to go completely broke. He said he's going to live in Mexico in a hut. Howard congratulated him. He said it sounds like he's thrilled.
Howard asked Shuli how old he is. Shuli said he's 39. Howard said he's making all of those great decisions as an adult. Shuli laughed.
Howard asked what this Dr. Fisch is doing. Gary said they're going to weigh everyone and take their waist size and see where they are on the scale of obesity. Howard said he has a two pack going on and he's in shape. Howard said Fred is in good shape. He said he thinks Benjy will be obese. Howard said Shuli does a show with Dr. Fisch.
Howard said that he guesses they'll just do the obvious ones like Benjy, Jon Hein and the other big guys on the show.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said he caught the tail end of the Wrap Up Show when Gary said his wife was upset with him over something. He asked what that was. Howard said he wonders too. Gary said he's not going to talk about it. Especially with King. King said Gary's wife doesn't work so he was wondering why she would be upset. King said if she has a nice life without having to work then she shouldn't get mad. Gary said he would love it if King would bring his wife up there. King said she's shy. Gary said he thinks she's afraid. Howard said this is stupid. He went to break right after that.
Howard asked if he should take a baby aspirin every day. Dr. Fisch said he stopped doing it because he got cut and he couldn't stop bleeding.
Howard said that Dr. Fisch has been named to the best doctors list a bunch of times. Howard said he has heard from real people that he's one of the best urologists of all time. Howard said he is not a quack. Howard said he has written 3 books. Howard said one of them is called ''Size Matters.'' Howard asked if it really does. Dr. Fisch said of course it does and Howard knows it. Howard said his mother would say that they're freaks. Howard asked if he sees a lot of small guys. Dr. Fisch said that he prefers not to see them semi-erect. He said 5.4 inches is average and Howard is big if that's the case.
Howard said Dr. Fisch's new book is available now. It's called ''The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups'' and he talks about how 50 percent of women don't orgasm vaginally. He said that 50 percent of men cum too quickly so it's a disaster for everyone. Howard said it's funny for guys. He said if you last too long women get irritated down there. Howard said he thinks that a good session is about 5-6 minutes. Dr. Fisch said he's right on. He said that they get a lot of calls on the show about this. He said that it's either too quick or too long. Howard said he's most of the callers, he just disguises his voice.
Dr. Fisch said he came up with a product called Preboost (Preboost.com) where you wipe your penis with this and it slows you down. Howard said he doesn't want to hold out too long. Dr. Fisch said the wipe works about 3-5 minutes after you put it on. Howard asked if he has a wife. Dr. Fisch said he does and he has 3 kids. He said he doesn't need these wipes though. He said he has no problem like that. Howard said he can't imagine him fucking his wife. He asked him what position he likes best though. Howard said he likes being on all fours himself. He said he didn't know the woman was supposed to be on all fours.
Dr. Fisch said that doggy is very popular. Howard said when he's in missionary he can last for a long time. He said when he's ready to finish he puts her in doggy. He said that's when he can finish up quick.
Howard said Dr. Fisch is there to promote his book and Preboost. He asked if you're completely desensitized with those wipes. Dr. Fisch said you are not. Howard also gave him a plug for his show that airs on Howard 101 on Thursday's at 4pm.
Dr. Fisch said that men get prostate cancer more than women get breast cancer. Howard said when you get operated on you're never the same. Dr. Fisch said that there isn't enough awareness for this disease. He said that we see pink during breast cancer awareness but we never have prostate awareness.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's 44 and he's pretty sexually active. He said he fucks his girl and he goes limp for a little while. Howard said he's just gay. It's no big deal. Howard said it's okay. The caller said then his girl sucks him and he gets hard again. Howard asked if he wears a rubber. He said he had a vasectomy so he doesn't. Howard said he doesn't advocate sucking after that thing has been in the vagina. Dr. Fisch said that can lead to her getting diarrhea. The caller said she doesn't shit much. Howard asked what Dr. Fisch thinks of him getting limp. Dr. Fisch asked if he watches pornography. The guy said he jerks off about 3 times a week. Dr. Fisch said that delayed ejaculation or retarded ejaculation is something that can happen if you masturbate a lot. He said that pornography can be bad for relationships. The caller said he always wants to fuck his girl though. Howard said it could be the porn that's doing it. He told him to get a grip on it and grow up.
Howard asked if Dr. Fisch masturbates at all. Dr. Fisch said he does not. He said that he doesn't even think about it. He said you should have sex as much as you can. He said after 50 2-3 times is plenty. He said that the more sex you have the better relationship you'll have. Howard asked when he stopped masturbating. Dr. Fisch said it's been a long time.
Howard said he wants to find out who is the most obese on the staff. Dr. Fisch said that all you need is a tape measure to figure this out. He said your was should be half of your height. He said he's 5'10'' tall and he's 37 inches around the waist.
Howard said that Jason is up first. He said that Jason is up first. Dr. Fisch said you have to measure at the belly button. Jason said he has been wearing his pants much higher because they look better like that. Dr. Fisch tried to get the tape measure around and he found it was at 45 inches. He said he should be 35. He said he needs to lose 50 pounds. Gary said either that or he should be 7'11'' tall. Dr. Fisch said that if your waist size is more than 40 inches then there's a risk of heart disease.
Dr. Fisch said that they get a lot of response on the radio show. He said that he recommends avoiding breads, pizza, cake, cookies and pasta. Jason said that he just named everything good in the world. He's not going to stop it.
Howard said Jason told him he ate a bowl of pasta with cheese on it last night. Howard said he has stopped eating all of that stuff. Howard asked Jason if he wants to live. Jason said he does. Howard said he should stop with it all then.
Jason said he just had a good check up with perfect blood pressure. Dr. Fisch said that he will die with good blood pressure then.
JD came in and said that he's 5'9'' tall. Dr. Fisch measured him and said that he's about 39 inches around the waist. He said he needs to lose about 20 pounds. Gary said JD is always eating out of a Styrofoam container and it's always smelly food. Dr. Fisch said that the number one source of salt in our food is bread. Howard said they put tons of salt in it. Dr. Fisch said that's what makes you hungry and that's why you shouldn't eat those things he mentioned.
Howard had Jon Hein come in next. Jon is 6'2'' or a little over. Dr. Fisch said his ideal waist should be 37''. He measured Jon and came up with 38 inches. He said he should lose about 5 pounds and he'd be ideal. Howard asked what the hell was going on there. Dr. Fisch said that he has no upper muscle strength at all so he should work out.
Jason said that he's calling bullshit on this. He said that there's no way that Jon is only 5 pounds over. Dr. Fisch said that it's about the waist and not the weight so much.
Howard told Benjy to get over there. Benjy said he's 5'8'' tall. He said he thinks that's how tall he is. Dr. Fisch said that he's 42 inches at the waist. He said he has to lose about 40 pounds. Dr. Fisch said that the testosterone is lower in people with big bellies.
Howard said he is 6'5'' with a 34 inch waist. He said that he doesn't need to lose anything. Dr. Fisch said that he's probably under weight. Howard said he is and he's proud of it.
Benjy said the calories thing is the way to lose weight. Dr. Fisch said that he works out as much as he can to lose weight. He said that Benjy has to lose his belly. Benjy said he's going to start a serious diet today. Dr. Fisch said that it's very simple. He said that they see it all the time. Shuli said he lost about 12 pounds in a week when he went on his diet.
Howard thanked Dr. Fisch for coming in. He said that he has said it all. He said all of these guys are fat but Jon Hein is only 5 pounds over. Benjy said Jon is diabetic too though. Howard said Jason is grossly obese. Dr. Fisch said that he could lose 50 pounds quickly if he stopped with the pizza, pasta and cake.
Howard said that's enough from all of them. He took a call from a guy who said he put a weight on his penis to try and make it longer. He said he has a rash around his penis now and it's not going away. Howard asked what he did to his cock. Dr. Fisch said that he's lucky he still has a cock. He said he's not sure why anyone would do that. He said he has a scar from the noose he put around it.
Benjy said he can move his cock when it's flaccid or not. He asked if that's normal. Dr. Fisch said that he's doing a Keegle exercise. Dr. Fisch said that he doesn't have an answer for him on that.
Richard came in and asked if there are things that guys can eat to have a bigger load. Dr. Fisch said that guys are concerned about that. He said that they want to have big loads. Howard said that's because of porn. Dr. Fisch said that if you don't have a lot then it might be a problem with the prostate. He told Richard to come in and get an exam. Richard said he heard eating celery can make bigger loads.
Sal came in and Howard told him not to bother the guests in the hall. He heard from Shuli that he asked him a question out there. Sal said that his urethra protrudes a little bit and it looks like fish lips. Howard asked him to show the doctor. Dr. Fisch said he's not going to look at it. Howard told him to just take it out. Gary said Sal is the most vain person ever. Sal took his dick out and they said it looks like Mick Jagger. Dr. Fisch said he can put it back now. He said it's not a nice thing to look at. He said he's not sure why he has it but it is an inflammation of the urethra. Richard said he sticks stuff in there so that might be why. Sal said he's never stuck anything in there. He said he had a problem when he was 7 and he had blood coming out.
Gary said that when Sal ejaculates he pulls up his pouch and finishes in there. He said it's probably from the load sitting on the had of his dick. Dr. Fisch told him to stop doing that. He said that might be why the urethra sticks out.
Howard said Dr. Fisch looked horrified when Sal took out his penis. Dr. Fisch said that it's usually more clinical when he's in his office. Sal said that he thinks that when he was a kid he had a catheter in there and that might have damaged his urethra. Dr. Fisch said that he needs to get it checked out.
Dr. Fisch told Howard that he was upset with David Spade came in and said that they jammed the catheter in him. He said that is misinformation. Gary said that he had to have something pulled out of him and he was awake for that. He said it was the worst ever. Dr. Fisch said that you have to be in control in those situations and it's never as bad as you think it is.
Howard gave Dr. Fisch plugs for all of his stuff. He mentioned that he has a web site too. That's at DrHarryFisch.com. He's also @DrFisch on Twitter.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about a pain he has in his nuts. Dr. Fisch asked him some questions and said that the pain in the testicles can come from a cyst. He said he should go to the doctor for that.
Sal asked if semen is safe to ingest. Dr. Fisch told him to knock himself out. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and did a live commercial read. After that he said it was time for Robin's news. They played her in with a song parody. Fred said that was Eli Braden. Robin said she's glad he made the cut today. Howard said he has a lot of new Eli Braden songs if she wants to hear them. Robin said she's not sure about that. Howard said he'll throw a couple in.
Robin started her news with a story about the Jay Z and Solange beating tape. Howard said there is something weird going on there. Howard said Beyonce seems to be kind of passive while her sister is beating him up. Howard said he heard that 50 Cent did a play by play of the tape. Howard said if you don't know there's a tape of Jay Z and Beyonce's sister in an elevator and the sister is beating him up. A security guard stopped her from doing it.
JD had the clip that he put up for Howard to play. It was 50 Cent giving a play by play. He was doing the voice of the sister in law, Solange. Howard said he threw the N-word around a lot in that clip. Robin said that is 50 Cent so that's to be expected. Robin said that Beyonce didn't really come to his defence until the last minute.
Howard played another Eli Braden song parody about Robin. That was to the tune of Bruce Springsteen's ''Born in the USA.'' Howard asked if Robin liked that. Robin said she's not a big fan of that one.
Robin read that NBC has canceled ''Community'' but they are saying that it could show up somewhere else. Howard said they didn't have big ratings but they did get renewed every year. Robin said that the ratings would be attractive to a cable channel. Robin said maybe they'll move to some other outlet.
Robin read that FOX has announced this show ''Gotham'' which will be on next year. Howard said he doesn't care about that so much. He said the reason he likes Super Hero stuff is because he likes to see super heroes. He said those shows don't have super heroes in them.
Robin said that FOX has also announced they are going to cut back on the amount of time they spend with American Idol. Howard said they didn't do so well this year. Howard said he has a very busy week. He said he'll be doing AGT Wednesday through Saturday. He said they are doing the final Judgment Days this week. He said they changed the name of it from Boot Camp to Judgment Day. Howard said that they're having an audience this year.
Robin said that Maria Menounos will not be continuing with Extra TV. Howard said he knew that was going to happen. Robin said they say that her team showed up at E! the other day. Robin said she's not sure what team that is. Robin said they say that they treated her like Oprah over there. Robin said Maria will be taking over to become the face of E!.
Robin read about how Neil Young and Jack White were on Jimmy Fallon's Tonight Show last night. Robin said they were talking about Gary going to Jack White's store where he sells vinyl. He has a booth there where you can record your own vinyl record. Robin said it's probably the only place in the whole world that has that. Robin said Neil and Jack were talking about that last night on the show. Robin had some audio from the show. She had one where they were talking about the recording session and then played some of that recording. It sounded awful.
Robin said that Jimmy Page was at Webster Hall on Sunday night to watch a Swedish rock group called Graveyard. He stocked up on their albums and concert tees. Howard said it's like seeing Jimmy's grandfather when you see him now. He said father time is a cunt. He said he never uses that word but he will for that.
Robin said that Heidi Klum was in the paper today with her young boyfriend. Howard said she's in the paper all the time. He said she has a team of social media people keeping her out there. He said she's in the Daily Mail every day. He said he accused her of calling the Paparazzi to let them know when she's going out. He said they're constantly with her.
Robin read a story about a man who has come forward claiming that Michael Jackson molested him at the age of 10. Robin said that he was in a Pepsi commercial and the man claims this went on until he was 14 or 15. Robin said this man added his name to the list of people who claim they were molested as well.
Robin read about how Casey Kasem is missing. Robin said he had been living in a private care facility. Robin said his daughter Kerri was named his care giver last week. Howard said they think that he's at an Indian reservation. That led to Fred playing an Indian chant.
Robin read about the Oscar Pistorius case and what's going on with that. Robin said that they are saying that Oscar has fears because of his lack of ability to flee if he's in a bad situation. Robin said that he has a lot of guns according to this psychiatrist in the case. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the melting of the polar ice caps. Robin said they say that the glaciers are melting at a record pace. Robin said the scientists say that this is a result of global warming. Howard asked if he will be able to live out the rest of his life. Robin said Howard is talking about coming back to life some day but the world will be under water. Howard said just imagine he comes back and his head is attached to a fish. He said he could live forever but he'll be a fish. Robin said they say the rise of the sea will be slow for the rest of the century but it could accelerate quickly which would cause big problems.
Robin read a story about how consumers want to consume less according to this story. Robin said they want to share more. Howard said sharing more sounds awful.
Robin read that NASA wants to land astronauts on the surface of an asteroid. Howard said that sounds like a bad idea. He said that it could lead to something interesting though. Robin said that's just another place you can't move to. Robin said this would happen in the 2020s at some point. Robin said they want to put the asteroid into an orbit around the moon. Robin said they want to collect samples from the core of the asteroid to get clues from how the universe was formed.
Robin read about a measure that would make politicians take coach airfare to save the tax payers money. Howard said he used to see a senator who took coach. He said it is a little weird that the taxpayers have to pay for a politician to fly first class. Robin said she doesn't think we should have to pay for that.
Robin read a story about a wreckage of a ship near Haiti. They think it could be the Santa Maria. Robin said the wreck was photographed in 2003 but it was just recently that they considered what it could be.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who asked if Jay Z should have defended himself in that attack. Robin said she considers him a gentleman and a man for not escalating that in any way. Howard said he would have had to subdue her if the security guard wasn't there. Howard said he behaved himself and handled it well for the circumstances. King said after that tape they got into different cars. He said Beyonce got in the car with her sister. Howard said something is up there. He said he's glad there is because they were having too good a time.
King said he thinks that Jay Z disrespected Beyonce and she doesn't talk back so the sister took it out on him instead. Howard said he thinks that's what happened too. King said he and Howard have solved the case. Howard said their point is completely pointless.
Robin read about prostitutes who have their unused condoms confiscated. Robin said they say that it's promoting unsafe sex. Robin said now the police are going to stop confiscating condoms and they will be returned to the prostitutes upon release.
Howard took a call from Hanzi (Imran Khan) who said Howard knows what will happen when we die. He said Howard is one of the chosen few who knows. He said he can't tell them exactly but he knows. Howard said he does know. Hanzi asked if it's good or bad. Howard said it's a lot like life. He said if you had it good here then you'll have it good there. Howard said Hanzi will probably live in his basement with his parents in the afterlife. Fred played the ''Imran Khan'' song parody after Howard let him go. Howard said that was Psych who did that song.
Robin said they were saying that red wine and chocolate are hearth healthy. Robin said now they're saying that it doesn't do anything bad but it doesn't really promote any health benefits. Robin said this study shows that it doesn't have the health benefits that doctors first thought.
Robin read a story about Donald Sterling and how he got himself into more trouble when he did an interview. Howard said they played some of that earlier. Robin had the audio of Sterling talking about Magic Johnson that Howard played earlier. Howard said he doesn't think there's anything a PR person could tell him to make this any better. He said he should have Jean Kasem hide him. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:10am.
Jon also mentioned that JD was brought up today and he was talking about his tweets to women. JD said he's the only single one there and he's actively looking. He said he doesn't go out much at all so it's kind of creepy. He said he is fully aware of that. JD said he tries not to be creepy but it doesn't work out sometimes.
Gary said JD is about numbers. He said he throws as many hooks in the water as he can. Benjy said James Franco does that too. Gary said JD isn't James Franco though. Gary said JD is quantity over quality. JD said there is a numbers game to see who is interested in you. He said he'd hardly say it's quantity over quality.
Benjy said JD wants to get laid and he wants to find a woman. He asked why he shouldn't be playing like that. Gary said that he was where JD is when he was his age. He said that when you're on some of these things they're not all looking to just fuck. JD said he's up front about this stuff.
Gary asked how many women the show has helped with. JD said that it's a majority of it. He said it's the only way he's in any game. Benjy said the girls know what's going on with him. Gary said some of the girls he wants to be with he just wants to fuck. Benjy said if he's just trying to fuck then it doesn't matter. JD said he thinks it's disrespectful to talk about it on the air. He said it might hurt other people. JD said he's not fucking that much so he just wanted to get that out of the way.
Jon asked JD why he thinks he's different online with women. JD said it's easier to take rejection online than it is in person. Gary said Shuli told him that when they did the block party he found that there is two JDs. There was JD and there was Block Party JD. He said that he was taking women to his room at the block parties. JD said he was talking to those women online first. He said that's how he met them.
Jon took a call from a guy who said JD is a source of entertainment but the guys should lay off. He said Gary pushes his buttons a lot. He said he's being made fun of all the time. The caller said he is who he is and he doesn't think he wants a traditional relationship right now. He said JD is doing his thing. He said if he wanted a relationship he would have one. Gary said maybe somewhere in the middle of that lies the truth. He said he thinks JD wouldn't mind a traditional relationship. He said he thinks that Benjy is hinting that he may regret some of his behavior that he used to participate in.
JD asked Benjy if he regrets that. Benjy said he knows apart of his girlfriend is hurt thinking that he could be like that. He said his therapist tells him that it was a traumatic experience. He said he doesn't feel that but he is open to the feeling that it might be. Gary said he's not sure that having sex just to have sex is traumatic. He said that once in a while people get together and have sex and if that's the only way you can do it then it can be weird.
Benjy said that Casey used to talk about Charles Bukowski. He said he looks back on his relationships in the past and he read those books by Charles Bukowski and he wonders if there is a problem. He said the therapist says that sex as a drug might be traumatic. He asked JD if he thinks it is. JD said he doesn't know.
Jon said JD is just playing the game right now and there's nothing wrong with that. JD said he has done some self evaluation and he thinks that maybe he is like this because he didn't get a lot of female attention in school or anything like that. He said now he's getting some attention. Gary said he agrees with him and he thinks that goes to a lot of them there. Gary said he's included himself.
Jon said he hopes JD is enjoying himself at least. JD said it's fine until it gets blasted out on national radio. Gary said part of the tradeoff for the whole thing is that he has to deal with days like today. They went to break a short time later.
Jason said Sharon was a behind the scenes person until Howard put her on the air and that led to them getting the TV show. He said that her job was behind the scenes until Howard exposed it. Gary said the best part was when she was against the Insane Clown Posse and she said she would kick their fucking ass. Gary said Insane Clown Posse was there and Sharon was in the studio and one of the guys stood up to take a move toward her and Sharon did not move. He said she stood her ground.
Jon asked why Sharon can't keep her mouth shut about things that get her in trouble. Gary said she doesn't care. He said she said that today when she was talking about NBC. He said that she just doesn't give a shit.
Gary said he'd like to know if all of the pills Sal takes have something to do with his penis problems. Jon said the shock and horror on Dr. Fisch's face was great. Shuli said Sal asked him the question about his urethra out in the hall and he had a look of horror out there.
Jon asked Gary if it's a big no-no to talk to the guest before they go in. Ronnie said Dr. Fisch went in to talk to Scott the Engineer so Scott didn't come to him. He said he has to excuse him for that.
Gary asked Ronnie if he could identify Sal's penis if he showed him 3 pictures of penises tomorrow. Ronnie said yes. Jon said he thinks everyone there could do that. Gary said that's just not right.
JD asked why Sal asked if semen is safe to be ingested. The guys said he may have been asking for his wife. Gary said that Sal was talking about his protruding urethra and said they looked like fish lips.
Jon said Sal was told not to hold things in his pouch but will he stop? Gary said no way. He said he'll do what he wants to do. Benjy said that he doesn't thinks that he was telling him to stop holding his load in his pouch. Benjy said he's not sure why that would damage his urethra. The other guys seemed to get it. They went to break a short time later.
Jason said he put together a gallery from a few years ago and he had before and after pictures and Scott used to be really big. Jon asked if it was just a bad picture. Jason said Scott was huge. He said Benjy was really big a few years back too.
Jon said that Jason weighed himself yesterday and he was up at 290 pounds. Jason said he as at 280 just a couple of weeks ago. He said he's getting close to 300. He said he got on the scale and it said 295 at first. He said Greg Karmel came in and zeroed it out for him. He said on Sunday he had 3 or 4 bagels for brunch.
Gary asked if he has ever broken 300. Jason said he doesn't think so. He said 290 is just as scary though. He said that number just scares him.
Jon asked if that line ''you're going to die with good blood pressure'' scared him. Jason said that does scare him. He said that he feels bad letting people down there not losing weight.
Benjy said his girlfriend's dad told him that once you have health problems you can't reverse it. He said he thinks about how he'll lose weight one day and be fit the rest of his life. He said once you get something you can't get rid of it. Jason said he knows that. He said everything about being fat is bad. He said it causes a lot of problems.
Benjy said he bets that it's not about what Jason eats but it's about the calories. Jason said he doesn't deny that he eats but he's not eating piles of food. He said he would admit it if he was. Jon said they would leave food out to see if Jason would eat it and he would eat it every time. Jason said he loved that experiment.
Gary said the night he was at the correspondents dinner he was walking down the hall of a hotel and he saw someone's room service in the hall and there was uneaten cake. He said the next morning he saw that someone had eaten it out in the hall.
Gary said that they have a picture in the hall there and JD looked skinny in it. He said he used to be even skinnier. He said even Jason was really skinny at one point.
Benjy said that Dr. Fisch said he needs to lose 40 pounds but he thinks he's more like 90. Gary said there was some outrage over what Dr. Fisch was saying they need to lose. Jason said he knows he needs to lose about 100. Jon said he knows he has to lose more than 5 himself. Benjy said that even Dr. Fisch is a little chubby. Gary said those formulas don't work for everyone.
Jon said he won't pretend that he's not over weight. Jon said he knows that he has to lose more than the doctor said.
Benjy said that they say that for every 30 pounds you gain you lose a half inch of cock. Shuli said that's called ''Buried penis syndrome.'' He said Dr. Fisch has talked about that on his show.
Jon said he thinks that being more sedentary is part of the problem for him. He said getting older is also part of that.
Benjy said that Jon's ''overweightness'' perplexes him. He said he looks horrible. Jon thanked him for that. Jason said if Jon ate fast food like he does then he'd be another 20 pounds over him. Jon said he knows what to do but he just can't do it. He said he has people in his life telling him what he needs to do and he just can't do it. He said he can lose 10 pounds here and 15 pounds there but he loves fast food. He said he thinks he has an addiction to it.
Benjy asked if he loves seeing his kids. Jon said he does. Ronnie said he should want to be around for their weddings. Jon said he wants to be around. He said the scary thing with Diabetes is that it doesn't hit you right away. He said he's not thinking 20 or 30 years down the road. Gary said he's like a smoker.
Gary asked if his daughters have sat him down and done tough love. Jon said they have and it kills him. He said his daughters and wife have done that numerous times. He said it breaks his heart but then he'll go to a McDonald's drive thru.
Ronnie asked how he knew he had diabetes. Jon said he had an unquenchable thirst for a long time. It was a couple of weeks. Jon said he thought it was stress from his new job. He said he was eating lots of junk food and losing weight. Then he took a test for insurance and the urine and blood tests showed he had diabetes. He said he was sitting at his desk and he took a drink of water. He picked up an envelope to seal it and he had no saliva. He said he went to the doctor and they told him he had diabetes. He said he took some pills and tried to fix it but that didn't work. He said they gave him syringes and insulin and he's been doing that for about 20 years now.
Jon said that he has Type 1 which means his body doesn't produce insulin. Benjy said he thought that type 2 came on later in life. Jon said it didn't kick in until 27. He said that his grandmother died from it and he had no idea. He said his uncle had it too and he didn't know. He said it was a big secret in the family. Jon said he's not sure that what happened today will make a change in him.
Benjy asked if he did a weight loss challenge it would help. Jon said he has done that before and he loses weight but he ends up going back to the junk food. Benjy said he thinks that it would be a motivation for him.
Jason asked who lives to the oldest age out of all of them. Benjy said it has to do with genetics too. Gary said he's trying to make a choice. Jon said they all participated in an online survey and he outlived even Will with that. He said he's not sure how accurate they are.
Gary said that he took a quiz when he was a kid and he found that he was supposed to live to 81. He said that he had to take 5 years off for every grandparent that died from cancer and now he's down to 61.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Jon is going to make any lifestyle changes because of today. Jon said he would like to say yes but he doesn't want to be dishonest. He said he clearly can't do this on his own.
Gary said Jon could work on his belly alone and make that thinner. Benjy asked if he has thought about taking to a psychologist about it. Jon said there is no reason to do that. He said there's a part of him that says he could do it but he just doesn't do it. Ronnie asked what he's going to do when a doctor tells him to just do it or he's going to die. Jon said he gets a constant reminder about his health every day. Ronnie said his uncle lost his leg and hand to diabetes. He said it was horrible.
Benjy asked if he can get off the shots or not. Jon said he has to take insulin. He said he can't stop them ever. Benjy said that would be a motivation if he could get off of that.
Jason asked JD if he has those fears. JD said he does of course. Jon asked if he avoids mirrors. JD said he doesn't think he's that pleasant looking to begin with.
Jason asked JD when he knew he was fat. JD said he guesses he's fat but he thinks of it as being overweight. Jon said he thinks JD thinks Jason and Benjy are fat and he thinks he could just lose a few. JD said he's just in terrible shape. JD said he has been thin before. Benjy said JD gains weight in his face. Benjy said his own face stays beautiful when he gains weight. He said JD's face is a heavier guy's face. Gary said it does show in his face more. Gary said he looks at his belly and sees it there too.
Jason said that Benjy is wearing a black shirt and you don't see much. He said that's the way to go. Jason said when he got fat he was about 225 pounds and he was in college. He said that someone was looking for him and asked where the fat kid was. Then the guy walked into his office and that's when he knew he was fat. They wrapped up the show after that. They were done around 11:10am.
Howard started the show talking about the many clips he had to play. He said that Wendy the Retard is mad at Obama and she's calling them every day leaving messages. He said they're all very much alike so he'll just play one. Howard said Wendy is probably mad at some entitlement she can't get or someone said something to her to get her upset.
Howard played one of Wendy's voice mails and she was talking about what a loser and a scumbag Obama is. She said he rips people off. Wendy said he can kiss her ass. She said that Howard will make a better president than he does.
Howard said that she's upset about food stamps. That's why she did that. Howard said she gets upset about not having enough food stamps. Howard said she probably thinks that she'd be better off with him as President because he throws her some money once in a while. Howard played another message Wendy left where she said Obama can kiss her ass because he's a loser. Howard said she'll do anything for food.
Howard said FOX News heard about that and now she'll be on tonight. Howard said they say she makes more sense than Michelle Bachman.
Howard said Andrea ''Miss Howard Stern'' and Jeff the Drunk called in with a voice mail together. Howard played that one next. Andrea and Jeff were both going off on Gary for blocking them from the show. Howard said this is what it's like to be completely inarticulate. He said no one knows what they're talking about. He said it must be tough not to be able to communicate.
Gary said he hasn't heard from her in a year so he has no idea what she's talking about. He said she hasn't called him. Howard said he has no idea what she's saying. Gary said he thinks she's upset that they're blocking her from being on the show. Howard said Jeff is just showing off for her on the call. He said somehow he's involved with another human being. He said that's rare for him. Howard said she's down to hanging out with Jeff so time can be cruel.
Howard said that they are taping today. He said he has to do the radio show and then tape. He said he asked them not to do that to him but they end up lying to him and have him staying until 7 even though they told him they'd be done by 6.
Howard took a call from David Arquette who was feeding his new baby. David thanked him for sending the shirt for their baby that says I Love Howard Stern. Howard said Beth has a friend who makes those shirts. He said they're great.
Howard said the baby's name is Charlie. Howard said he was born just two weeks ago. Howard said a friend told him that their friend should make more of those shirts. Howard said he's not looking to do that though. He said they made two. One was for David and one was for Jimmy and Molly. Howard said that he is shocked that Jimmy and Molly don't want to know what sex the baby is. Howard said he wouldn't want a doctor knowing something that's going to impact his life.
David asked when jimmy's baby is due. Robin said it's in a couple of months. David said that you end up hanging out with parents and you want to hang with cool ones. He said they'll be in the same group. Howard asked if he'll like Coco or Charlie better. David said he will like they equally.
Howard asked who the better mom is. Courteney or Christine. David said it's Solange. Howard said David has to say that his new woman is a better mom. David said he would never say that. He said they're both incredible women.
Howard asked who is better in bed, Courteney or Christine. David wasn't saying. Howard said he has to say it's Christine. David said there is no better or worse. Howard said his wife is the best he's ever had. He told David to give his thoughts too. David said he's not going to say.
Howard asked who his favorite sibling is. David said he's not saying that either. Howard asked what parent he loved more. David said he didn't have a favorite. Howard said he's very happy for David and this is all very exciting. Howard asked who he likes better, Imran Khan or Eric the Actor. David said he loves both. Howard asked Jesus or Mohammed. David wasn't picking favorites today.
David asked if he can get in a silly plug. Howard said sure. David said he has a show called Travelholics on the Travel Channel. David also got in a plug for a friend who loves the show. Balthazar O'Dell. Howard asked if that's his favorite friend. David wasn't saying. Howard let him go after that.
Howard played another mom and son porn. That was even more disturbing. Howard said he can't imagine watching that. He said he's heard about women in Japan blowing their sons. He said his mom told him a story about women kissing their baby's penis. He said he's not sure why she told him that though.
Howard played more of the mom and son porn clip where she's asking for the son's cum and things like that. Howard said he has another one where the mom is laughing at the son's dick. Howard played that one and she's asking to inspect her son's dick. When she sees it she makes fun of the size. Howard said he thinks Robin could be more creative with that. Howard said this mom could be more supportive of her son's dick. He said he thinks this kid is going to grow up to be a serial killer. Howard said you get the idea.
Howard said they've got a pretty diverse morning so far. He said they've covered a lot already. He said yesterday they got a lot of feedback about Sharon Osbourne. Howard said that someone thinks that she was less than honest about eating out Sara Gilbert over Julie Chen. Howard said someone wrote in and thanked them for that interview. Howard said the person got pulled over and when he told the cop he was listening to Howard Stern with Sharon Osbourne the guy let him off.
Howard said he was thinking about Sharon's ass fat in her boobs and how Jason could take his ass fat and turn some 16 year old tits into some big ones. Howard said if you took his ass fat and injected it they would look like 16 year old tits. He said the only thing is they'd be hairy.
Robin said the funny thing was that Jon Hein only had to lose 5 pounds in that contest yesterday. She said there was almost a riot in there. Howard said they were all shocked when Dr. Fisch said that Jon only had to lose a little weight. He said that's like saying Fred is only a little weird. Howard said Jon is only 5 pounds away from fitting into his old mom jeans.
Howard said on the Wrap Up Show yesterday Benjy said that Jon Hein was ''sloth like'' during the show. He asked what he was thinking there. Benjy said he has everything in his life under control but that one thing. Howard said he thinks that Jon isn't that fat and it's just his body type. Benjy said he thinks it's gross. He said he and Howard have a much better build. Robin asked if he really thinks that. Benjy said they both have masculine builds. He said he has seen Howard with his shirt off and he's much more built and masculine. He said Steve Brandano is like that too. He said he looks great with his shirt off.
Howard said he wants to show Benjy his cock now. Benjy asked if he wanted to see his. Howard said no way. Benjy asked if he'd want to see all of their cocks. Howard said no. Benjy said he must be curious about David Arquette's. Howard said he is curious about size but he doesn't want to see them.
Howard asked if there's any updates on Beyonce's sister Solange. Howard said that they are saying now that Jay Z was going to go to a Rihanna party and Solange was upset about that. Howard said they say in the paper that they have a history of this. He said they say that Jay Z dropped Solange from the record label and she was pissed about that too. He said then he made the announcement that he was going to Rihanna's party by himself. He said that set Solange off and that's why she attacked him. Howard said that whole thing is messed up. Robin said she read that this stuff goes on all the time with families. Howard said he's not sure why he'd put up with that all the time.
Howard said those are interesting names to choose for kids. He said Solange is his new favorite. He said he'd love for her to come in and explain it. Howard said that's a lot of fun.
Howard said that he had a new Baba Booey from a golf tournament. He played that one quickly. It was a good one.
Howard took a call from Wolfie who asked who would win in a fight, Jon Hein or Baba Booey. Howard said he thinks that Jon is pretty tough. Gary chimed in and said that Jon would kill him. He said he's huge. Gary said he's got like 6 inches on him and he's strong. Gary said he could probably beat him if he got Jon to chase him for 5 minutes. He said he'd wear him out and then he'd beat him.
Howard said he thinks Jon could take Gary. He said Gary is pretty brave. Fred said Gary is the one always getting hit. Howard thanked Wolfie for that and then went to break.
Howard came back and said he likes Robert Duvall and he's there. Howard said that he's the lawyer in Godfather 1 and 2. Robin asked what his name was. Howard said 'Oh shit...'' Robin said that's not it. Howard asked Robert what it was. Robin said it was Tom Hagen. Robert showed Howard a picture that was a shot of Rooster McConaughey's ass or something. Howard asked why he hangs out with him. Robert said because he's different.
Robert said Howard got skinnier. Howard said he lost like 30 pounds. He said he doesn't eat any pasta or bread. Howard asked if he drinks. Robert said he never did. He told Howard he looks good.
Robert told Howard that the most promiscuous town is the town Howard's wife is from. Howard said ''How dare you...'' Howard asked if he's still with that wife he was with last time. Robert said he is. Howard asked what the age spread is. Howard said he and his wife are 19 years. Robert said he's 40 years. Howard asked if that scares the shit out of him. Robert laughed and said that it makes him pause sometimes.
Robert kept saying that Howard is a different guy now than he was in the past. Howard said he has to ask him something. Robert said that his wife is into jujitsu and he thinks she could kick Ronnie's ass.
Howard asked Robert to do some brackets. He had Diane Keaton and Faye Dunaway. Robert said that he has a story about Faye to tell him after the show. He motioned that maybe it was a blow job. He said he didn't say that though. Howard said he did motion that. Robert said that he has an itchy hand. Howard asked if she's from Pittsburgh. He said she might as well be. He said he didn't say anything about her. Howard asked Robert if it's a one time shot with someone like that. Robert said he didn't say he did anything. Howard said he knows.
Howard asked who he thinks is hotter, Diane or Faye. Robert said neither one. He said the hot one is Angie Cepeda from Mexico. He said she's in this movie he's in called ''A Night in Mexico.'' Robert told Howard that she's really hot.
Howard asked Robert to pick Diane or Faye. Robert said he doesn't know. He said he'd have to ask De Niro about Diane. He said he dated her. Howard asked him to choose one. Robert wouldn't pick one. He went with Faye.
Howard asked Robert to pick Angie Dickinson or Ursula Andress. Robert wasn't picking. He'd end up talking to Howard about the movies he did with these people. Howard asked if he knows when he does a bad film. Robert said he does. He said that Godfather 1 and 2 were masterpieces. He said that they had an opening night and a famous director came over and said they were wonderful in the movie. He said he wasn't sure about the movie though. He said that guy couldn't have done that in 3 lifetimes. Robert said there's always someone who doesn't like something. Howard asked who the director was. Robert said he's dead and gone now. Howard asked who it was. Robert zipped his lip and didn't talk. Howard asked him to pick Angie or Ursula. Robert went with Angie.
Howard asked Robert about Ellen Barkin and Demi Moore. Robert was laughing. He said he had one of them. Howard asked which one. Robert said that Ellen Barkin could out run him. He said she was athletic. He said she's been through a lot of rich guys since then. Howard asked if it's the on set romance. Robert said that he did Lonesome Dove which was his favorite. Robert said there was an assistant on the set that he couldn't get near. He said that she was a bit of a tease. He said he heard she did that on other sets too. He said that gave him romanticism on the set though.
Robert ended up picking Ellen Barkin in the bracket. Howard asked Robert if he still thinks about those girls now. Robert said not so much. He said they had some laughs and she was a lot of fun.
Howard asked Robert to pick between Jane Fonda and Jacqueline Bisset. Robert said he'd pick Bisset because of Fonda's politics. He said she's a good human being but he's picking Bisset.
Howard asked him to pick between Faye and Angie. He picked Angie. Howard asked him to pick between Barkin and Bisset. Robert said he has a story to tell about another chick that Jimmy Caan was with. He said that woman refused to bathe. Howard said he will have to ask him about that.
Howard said Robert is down to Bisset and Barkin. Robert said he'll go with Barkin. He said she's a very bright girl. Howard said that he has to pick one between Barkin and Dickinson. Robert picked Angie Dickinson. He said he could never get her anyway. He said they were both married and he never did get her.
Howard said Robert plays a Texas ranger in this new movie ''A Night in Old Mexico''. Howard asked if he likes acting still. Robert said he does. Howard said that he was offered the lead in Jaws.
Robert said that he heard Howard has 20 million viewers. He said if just 5 million went to see the movie he'd be happy. Howard asked about the movie and what it's about. Robert described the movie and what his character is.
Howard asked how old he is now. Robert said he's in his low 80s. Howard said he hopes he's in as good a shape as he is at his age. Robert said he won't be. He said it's good to hang out with younger people. He said when he met his wife she was really young. He said that she asked what it would be like to grow old together and he had to tell her that he was old already. Robert said that Wilfred Brimley said to him that the worst thing in the world for an old man is an old woman.
Howard said his wife is 40 and he's 60. Robert said he's still active and that's what counts. Howard asked if he uses Viagra. Robert said he does whatever it takes. Howard said he still gets hard ons every day. Robert asked if he ever cheats. Howard said no way. He said he never did.
Howard said Robert is in the American Film Institute's top 100 movies more than anyone else. Howard named some of the movies he was in like Godfather, MASH and others. He said that he's in the most of those top movies.
Howard said that Robert once said that Stanley Kubrick was the worst director. Robert said that he is the worst. He said that the acting in his movies is awful. Howard asked about The Shining. Robert said that guy is not good with actors. He said he flew from the Bronx to England to get culture. He asked at one point he got culture. Robin said Full Metal Jacket was good. Robert said the first part was good.
Robert said he just worked with Robert Downey Jr. Howard said that kid has all the goods. Robert said absolutely. He said he can't hear him because he speaks softly. He said that Billy Bob Thornton is in that movie too.
Howard asked what he was saying about Downey. Robert said that he has a guy in his ear with his lines. He said he's not sure how he does that but Brando used to do that. Howard asked if Brando was a lazy actor. Robert said yes and no. Howard said he has the worst memory for lines like that. Howard said he tried to use cue cards but they told him he had to memorize them. Robert said he's pretty good at that stuff. He said you have to keep in touch with yourself too.
Howard asked Robert about Jack Nicholson and Robert said he doesn't care about him. He said he's fine but he doesn't care. Howard asked if he ever gets jealous of anyone. Robert said that he thinks that Matthew McConaughey is great. Howard said he came out of nowhere with his acting. He said he was just okay but then he came out of nowhere and now he's great. Howard asked Robert if they're at the mercy of good scripts. Robert said there are special parts.
Howard asked Robert about Bill Murray. Robert said he's a great guy. Howard said Bill describes him as a time bomb. Howard said he thinks he is intimidating a bit. Robert said that if people are getting in your way, like directors, then you are like that. He said he had a director who told him to ''tense up a bit'' for a scene. He said that's the worst thing you can tell an actor.
Howard asked if it drives him crazy when someone stays in their character off the set. Robert said everyone has their way of doing things. He said it doesn't bother him.
Howard gave Robert a plug for the new movie and asked if it was a low budget movie. Robert said it was. He said they shot it in 23 days. Robert said he loves doing these things.
Howard asked Robert about The Godfather movies. He said they were so great. He said that he played Tom Hagen in the movie. Robin asked what he thinks about De Niro in the roles he plays now. Robert zipped his lip and then said ''it's different.'' Howard said that he's implying that he's the one still standing. Robert said that Pacino can still be terrific. He said Jimmy Caan is still excellent. He said they've worked together a bunch of times.
Howard asked who is better, Pacino or Nicholson. Robert said he thinks it's apples and oranges. Howard asked Robert about other movies that he has done and said that he was great in Apocalypse Now. He said he was on screen for 11 minutes in that one. Gary asked if he knows who beat him for an Oscar that year. Robert didn't know. Gary told him the name of the guy and no one knew who he was other than Robin. Robin said he was an old time actor who they probably gave it to because he had been around for a long time.
Howard asked Robert where he put his award when he got it. Robert said he has it on the mantle in his farm house in Virginia. He said he has it across from a letter he got from Brando. Howard said he loved Brando. Robert said they all did.
Gary said that they have a picture from the set of the Godfather and Robert is wearing a cue card for Brando. Robert said he forgot about that. Howard asked if he went to Brando's funeral. Robert said he didn't. He said he's waiting for his own.
Howard asked if he believes in a personal god. Robert asked what he means by that. Howard asked if he thinks that there is a god that he'll meet. Robert said he believes in god but he's not sure he'll meet anyone. He said he's not sure there's a heaven or hell. He said he thinks that there will be something that happens once he dies. Howard asked if he has sinned. Robert asked if Howard has. Howard said he's going straight to hell. Robert said he's sure there's something out there but he doesn't know what it is. Robin asked if he thinks he'll retain his Bobby Duvall-ness. Howard said he's sure he will.
Howard asked if he's going to be buried or burned up. Robert said he's going to be burned up. Howard asked if he would ever want to be frozen. Robert said no way. He said he wants to be burned up.
Howard asked Robert who his favorites are now. Robert said Brad Pitt was terrific in Snatch. He said Eric Bana was great in Chopper. He said he's not sure if they'll ever be that great again in a role. He said that they have to come up to that role. He said that Joaquin Phoenix has been great too.
Howard asked if he ever calls someone and tells them how great they are. Robert said he will if he runs into them somewhere. Howard said that letter from Brando means so much to him so maybe a letter from him would do the same for someone like Joaquin. Robert said he actually did send him a note. Howard jokingly said someone accused him of copying that Brando letter and sending it to him. Robert said he wouldn't do that.
Howard said that he learned that Robert Downey Jr. does something he didn't know. He didn't know that he had the thing in the ear for the lines. Robert said he's not sure he actually does.
Howard asked Robert about this movie and if it's a family movie. Robert said it is. He said that Angie Cepeda is great in it too. Howard said he has to check it out. He said it's great having him on the show. He said he loves him. Robert said he loves him too. He said his wife says hello too. Robert said she's so smart. Howard asked if he thinks she's faithful. Robert said he does.
Howard asked if Robert lets his wife take pictures with black men. He was referring to the Donald Sterling story. That led to Robert talking about his wife and how she can't come to terms with this country having slaves. He and Howard spent a minute talking about that.
Howard asked what he's worth today. Robert said he's not worth what Howard is but he does okay. He said that his wife is very fair minded about marriage. He said that he bought her something nice when she got her blue belt in Jujitsu. He said he got her sapphire earrings with the blue. Howard said she must have banged him for that.
Howard said when Robert made that movie The Apostle he surprised everyone. It turned out to be a hit. Robert said that he should ask Scott Greenstein about what Harvey Weinstein did to him to try and sabotage his movie. Howard said he will ask him. Howard said he wants to see every movie do well so he can't imagine why anyone would sabotage it. Robert told Howard to ask Greenstein. Howard said he has Robert there now. Robert said that Harvey lost Greenstein to another company and that led to him getting upset. Robert said that Weinstein has a lot of enemies. He said he'll leave it at that.
Howard asked if Greenstein knows about his BJ from some of these actresses. Robert started singing. He asked if he still does the ping pong balls. Howard asked what he's talking about. Robert said it was something they did on his show a couple of years ago. Robin said Howard has changed. Howard said this guy knows what he's doing. He asked if he gets nervous when he's acting. Robert said sure but you work with it.
Robin asked Robert if he would go back to say hello to the actors at plays. Robert said he will if he knows the actors.
Howard wrapped up, gave some plugs. Robert has another movie called The Judge coming out soon too. He said that's the one that he did with Robert Downey Jr. He said he was upset he wasn't invited to his birthday show. Howard said he didn't think he'd want to be there. Robert said he probably wouldn't have come anyway. Howard said he had Harvey Weinstein there. Robert told Howard to just not turn his back on him. He told Howard there are a lot of people he could talk to about him. He told him to just not talk to Clinton about him. He said he's a part of that whole thing.
Howard asked Robert if he would bang Pat Nixon or Hillary Clinton. Howard told him to think about it and talk about that next time. He wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said it's one of those days that's star studded. He said he has Neil Patrick Harris there who is in Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Howard said that How I Met Your Mother is over with now.
Howard asked Neil about how busy he is with this play. Neil said they have a weird schedule. He said they don't do Wednesday matinees because that's like the old lady time. He said this is kind of a rock and roll play. He told Howard how they shot How I Met Your Mother and how that worked. Howard asked about memorizing lines. Neil said that he had to memorize long rants and he has that muscle that allows him to remember it.
Howard asked how old he was when he got Doogie Howser. Neil said he was 15. He said now he's turning 40. Howard said he's been famous his whole life. Howard asked if he remembers when he wasn't famous. Neil said he grew up in New Mexico and he wasn't famous there. He said that was his upbringing.
Howard asked about how he got the job on Doogie Howser. Neil said that he auditioned and had to wait a while to find out. He said then they came back to him and he doesn't know why. He said he was living in New Mexico at the time so he felt like it was just a little lark. Neil said his parents liked that he followed what he was passionate about. He said he sang in the church choir and they wanted him to go to some performing arts high school. He said they thought that was weird in their family but he did it and he had fun there. Then a writer saw him at the camp and he hired him to be in a movie called Clara's Heart. He said that led to other things.
Howard asked how he got into the TV show thing. Neil said that his parents loved the shows that Steven Bochco produced and they said the only way he'd do a TV show was if he produced it. He said he lucked out with Doogie Howser. Howard asked if he freaked out and became an asshole from that. Neil said he doesn't think so. He said he didn't feel like his shit didn't stink. He said TV was very different than film at the time. He said you didn't get to do movies and things like they do now. He said it was a lot of work for him too.
Howard asked how many seasons he did. Neil said he did 4. Howard asked if he panicked at all when it was over. Neil said that name Doogie stuck with him for a while and that was kind of a bummer for him. Howard said it is a shitty name to stick with. He said it's not cool. Neil said he did appreciate it because he got to play him but you don't want to be that in college. He said Steven Bochco gave him some good advice. He said he told him he was going to ride the wave but it would crash eventually. He said he had to decide if he wanted to get back on the board and try again. He said that he'd have to wait for more great waves and he had to stick with it and just wait for the time between those waves.
Howard asked Neil if he was set up for life after that show. Neil said he wasn't but he was set up for a while. He said they were making a lot of TV movies back then and he could work on one and make $100,000 and have that last him the rest of the year.
Neil said that his parents gave up a law practice to move out to California. He said they weren't able to work out there because of that. He said they were afraid that he was going to get his head screwed up by living out there. Howard said he never went to college. Neil said he didn't. Robin asked what he was doing when he wasn't making TV movies. Neil said he was smoking weed and taking his fake ID to bars. He wasn't that wild sexually. He said he moved back to New Mexico for a couple of years and climbed a lot of rocks.
Howard said that Neil is a magician too. Howard said he loves magicians on America's Got Talent. Neil said he wouldn't say that he's a magician. He said he does tricks and things.
Neil asked Howard if it's hard to see magicians on AGT because they hone their acts for 10 years but they only have 15 minutes of material. He said they have to come up with more stuff within a week. Howard said it is hard for them. He said he's absolutely right. Howard said he looks at it a different way. He said he looks at their presentation and gives them advice on how to hone it. He said that they have to come up with a way to do it differently. He said Penn and Teller are the best with that.
Howard said David Blaine is really good at what he does. Neil said he's more about getting the eyeballs on his act. He said he's not even about the illusions so much. Howard asked if he can figure out his act. Neil said he can narrow it down. He said he has a friend who is a friend of David's and he has gotten some information from him.
Neil said he wouldn't be into doing magic but he would be into presenting it. He said he would like to have an Ed Sullivan type show where he'd introduce it. Howard said that's kind of what America's Got Talent is these days. Neil said that variety in the past has been a magician doing 7-8 minutes and it's a snore fest. He said that they need to get to their stuff quickly and have a variety of that and it would be great.
Howard said he heard that he was in talks with CBS to take over for Letterman. Neil said he was in conversation but not about to make a deal. He said they asked if he would be interested in doing that. He said he spoke to Les Moonves and some other people. He said How I Met Your Mother was ending after 9 seasons. Howard asked how he felt about the show. Neil said he loved the show and loved the cast. He said he loved his character and loved to be this super macho alpha male. Howard said it sort of revived his career. He said then he did Harold and Kumar. Howard asked if that's how he got the CBS show. Neil said he thinks that was part of it. He said that didn't hurt.
Howard said he read that he made $250,000 an episode when the show ended. Neil said they were well paid by the end. He said he was very happy with what he was making. Neil said that was per week. Howard said he thinks that Neil was the draw on that show. Neil said it was a proper ensemble and it wasn't a spotlight on Barney. He said they all made the same money on the show. Neil said that they had weird negotiations at season 4. He said they all went in together on their deals. Howard said it must be weird when you have a cast like that. He said there could be one hold out that wants to do better on their own. Neil said that could happen. He said it didn't happen exactly that way. Neil said he felt like they all had individual careers that they had nurtured up until then. He said you're fighting for yourself and your take in it. He said he wanted his team to fight as hard as they could.
Howard said Neil said that they should go in individually. Neil said it is kind of a cubical job and they all had to fight for their raises. Neil said that they wanted to do one extra season and by season 9 they had all proven their worth on the show. He said they were all getting paid well at the end. He said that it was more in the middle of the run that he wanted to go in on his own.
Howard said he thinks that Neil could have gotten more for himself. Neil said the show wasn't really huge though. He said the ratings were good but not like Big Bang Theory ratings. He said the show would get slaughtered by Dancing with the Stars at times.
Howard said these reality shows get huge ratings. Neil said he watches them himself. He said he can't be too mad if he's watching them. Howard said it seems like they'd be more popular than Dancing with the Stars. Neil said you can wait and watch How I Met Your Mother on demand and watch the live shows live.
Neil said he loved that CBS kept them on for 9 seasons on Monday night. He said that they could have moved them around like NBC did with Community. He said they can't get a fan base if they do that.
Howard asked Neil about the meeting he had with Les Moonves. Neil said he called and said he wanted to have a lunch meeting. Howard said the Letterman thing wasn't announced yet. Neil said he assumed it was just a meeting about the future. Robin said she'd like to know when Letterman told Les about that. Neil said his meeting was months ago. He said he was just gauging how he felt about a late night show.
Howard said Neil is very good at hosting. He said he likes that he can sing and dance and tell jokes. He said he thinks he'd be a formidable competitor in that time slot. Neil said there were many reasons that he didn't want to do it. Howard said it can be a grind. Neil said that the competition is very stiff right now. He said if they had asked him when it was just Jay and Dave then he could have come in and done something. He said there are so many hungry young guys in the time slow now that it would kill him with the repetition.
Howard said doing a sitcom it's not just on him. He said in late night it's all about him. Neil said that you can't just sit and think about how great the show was. He said you have to be on all the time thinking about what they're doing next. Howard said he talks to Jimmy Kimmel a lot and he puts in a lot of hours. He said he's there day and night working on his bits.
Neil said he thinks that Howard should take the 12:30 slot. Howard said he has other things going on. He said he has such a great gig there with the radio show. He said he can talk to Neil for an hour if he wants to. Neil said he's got a good point.
Howard asked Neil about the Letterman thing again. Neil said that Letterman's contract was going to be up in 2 years so they may have assumed Dave was going to be leaving. Howard asked where he had this lunch. Neil said it was in Les' office. He said they had sushi and stuff there to eat. Howard said that it seems like his career is on fire lately. He said he's doing just fine.
Robin asked if he worried about coming out and damaging his character on How I Met Your Mother. Neil said he thought they might change his character but they ended up keeping him the same. Robin said he's really the first out gay person who has been able to do everything. Howard said that would be him actually.
Howard asked Neil about the meeting with Les and if he had to get excited about it and come up with a game plan. Neil said he came up with the things that he thought would happen with that gig. He said he figured he'd get bored with the whole thing quickly and he didn't want to do the same thing over and over. Howard asked if he had an idea for it. Neil said he liked the idea of a weekly variety show. He said it would be best to do it weekly because they'd have more time to prepare.
Howard asked if he asked him to do 12:30. Neil said that was part of the discussion. He said it's still nightly though and he wouldn't want to do it. Then there's the audience which is smaller. He said he has taken himself out of the running. Howard said he likes that.
Neil said he has a lot of fun stuff going on right now. He said he has 2 big movies coming out this year. He said he's in Seth McFarlane's ''A Million Ways to Die In The West'' and another one. He said that movie is very funny and there are a lot of great actors in it. Neil said he's also in ''Gone Girl'' which is a David Fincher movie. He said that one is a big one. Howard said that's the pinnacle doing movies. Neil said that it was a lot of fun doing them. Howard asked if he has to audition. Neil said he met with them both and didn't have to audition. Neil said that he thinks they just want to see if they vibe and get along. He said in both cases they did.
Howard said Neil has two kids and a fiancee. Neil said they moved to New York. Howard asked if he has time to be with the kids. Neil said he has to craft the time but he saw them this morning. He said he really has to get more sleep. He said he had to do Howard Stern this morning so he didn't get much sleep.
Howard said he was always a monster at home because he had to get sleep. Neil said he and David had to alternate. He said they bought a brownstone in Harlem and it's still being renovated. Howard asked what he loves about Harlem. Neil said it's very suburban in its own way. Neil said because of that they have an apartment in the Lower East Side. He said they were alternating back and forth getting up early. He said he has to sleep to rest his voice. He said that they're having to deal with that stuff. He said they have nannies now so they can get 8 hours of sleep each.
Howard asked Neil if there is less romance now. Neil said there is. He said that the kids take up a lot of time. He said David is an actor and chef. He said they met doing shows in New York. He said they were doing different shows. He said they ended up moving out to L.A. to do How I Met Your Mother. He said he thought it would just be a couple of seasons but it turned out to be 9.
Howard said that he has to see this play he's in. Neil said it's about a boy who is trying to find his way out of Berlin and he has to marry this guy who is willing to lop off his wang to get married. He said it's quite funny and improvisational. Howard said that the angry inch is the little bit of his cock that's left. Neil said that's it.
Howard said that Neil never had that effeminate quality as a gay man. Neil said he went through puberty late. He said he was always entranced by men who were masculine. He said he wasn't into being effeminate. He said he wasn't trying to be macho at all but he was attracted to masculinity.
Howard said that Neil seems to be in character now. Neil said he might be a little bit. He said he can't go out drinking and into a loud bar after working. He said that he has to save his voice. He said he has to be in shape too. He said that you have to be on your game. Howard said he's going to go see the play. Neil said he has to come. He said he hears Howard mocking musicals all the time. Howard said he has to see this one.
Howard said Neil is friendly with Elton John. Howard said it seems uncomfortable to him because they seem to be friends just because they're famous. Neil said that they met because they were both honored in the Time Magazine honorary thing. He said that Elton's guy David Furnish came up to him and gave him his number and told him to reach out. Neil said he didn't know what to do and he didn't call. He said he doesn't think he's that famous so he doesn't know what to do in that situation. He said that they ended up inviting them to Niece. Neil said they were in Greece at the time. He said that he and David were on vacation for a couple of weeks. He said they ran into David Furnish in Greece and they went to Nobu over there. He said they told David that they were expecting twins through surrogacy. He said that David told them that they were expecting as well on Christmas Eve. He said they bonded over that. He said they built it from there. He said they go once a week to Niece and hang out at Elton's castle. He said it's fantastic.
Howard said he thinks Elton is one of the nicest guys on the planet. He asked if he ever gets to the piano and starts playing. Neil said there is no piano there. He said he thinks about it in his head and writes a whole album in a week but he doesn't play at home. Howard said that's remarkable. Neil said the guy is so talented. He said he knows everything about music. Neil said they have to pinch themselves when they're there having lunch with Elton John. Neil said it's great to hear him bad mouthing people and talking nice about people you wouldn't expect.
Neil said it's magical being there. He said they have people there to ask things for. He said you ask for something and they bring it right to you. He said there is amazing art and it's just glorious there. He said then they're at the airport flying home and standing in line being charged for extra luggage.
Neil told Howard that Elton will have people like Bono and his wife over for dinner while they're there. Howard said that he has never spoken to Bono. Neil said he's the greatest story teller. He said he looks at you and it's like you're best friends. He said he'll talk to you for 3 hours and it's so great you don't remember any of it.
Neil said that he and Elton have a great friendship. He said he doesn't want to be phony around him. Howard asked him to tell some of the secrets they have together. Neil said he can't do that. He said that when you're close you share things that you don't tell others. Howard said he has some friends like that. Neil said he is friends with Kelly Ripa and Mark Conseulos. He said he's friends with Mary McCormack too. He said he's sort of Howard Adjacent.
Howard said if he didn't have kids running around he might get together with him. He said if he ever gets away for a night he'd have him over.
Neil said he did a Rolling Stone interview with the same guy who spoke to Howard. He said it was very stressful having him over to the house though. Howard said he was the same way. He said you want it to be something great and it's a lot of pressure. He said that he limits the visits to 2 instead of 5. Neil said they had a few meetings in various places.
Howard said Neil is nude on the cover and there's a lot of people in an uproar over that. Howard said he thinks that David Furnish has a crush on him. Neil said he doesn't think so.
Howard said that Richard Christy knows Neil. Neil said he's a fan of Richard and Sal. He said that Richard was in the first Harold and Kumar movie. Howard told Neil to go into the room and make some phony phone calls with Richard and Sal. Neil said that would be hilarious. Howard said he could be Hedwig in the calls. Howard said it's an art to make those calls.
Howard said Neil is on Broadway in Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Howard asked if he has gotten together with Richard. Neil said not yet but maybe now that he's in the city he can. He said he thinks it would be great to go to a haunted house with him.
Neil told Howard to come and see a show. He told him that there's a 7pm show on Sunday. He said that it's 90 minutes and no intermission. He said he'll be out by 8:30. Howard said he went to see the LBJ play and it was so cold in the theater. He said his wife is sick from that. Howard said he had to bundle up like it was winter. Neil said he sweats like crazy in this show. Robin said she has to come see the play too. She said she has to see Neil in it. Neil said he's very proud of the show. He said it's really not like a typical Broadway musical.
Howard asked if he's nominated for a Tony. Neil said he is. Howard said he thinks he has it locked. Neil said he's not sure about that. Neil said that the show got 8 nominations. Howard said he thinks that he should talk to him about the speech he's going to make if he wins. Neil said he doesn't think he's going to win. He said he has no expectations. He said crazy shit happens at the Tonys. He said it's a small group that votes and you never know who they're going to vote for.
Howard asked if he's a ratings checker with the TV show. Neil said he was. He said he reads everything. He said he reads reviews and everything. He said that he wondered if they were on an up tick or not. Howard asked if he reads his own reviews. Neil said sure. He said he wants to know. Neil said that he would rather know all of the information and figure out how he can get through it. He said he's not going to ignore it all.
Neil said he hosted the Emmys last year and it wasn't well received. He said they did the In Memorium things that didn't go over very well. He said it made it a very somber night. Neil said he'd make some jokes and then they'd bum everyone out with the sad things.
Howard asked how much input he has on those shows. Neil said he's a producer now so he has a lot. Howard asked where he has his awards displayed. Neil said he has them in the house on display.
Howard asked if he gets a lot of shit on Twitter. Neil said he has like 8 million followers and they are pretty cool. Howard said you can move mountains with 8 million people. Neil said he didn't buy them. He said that you can't just say random shit. He said he's more guarded now that he has so many. He said you have to make sure that it's all worded correctly. He said he used to drunk tweet but not anymore. He said he once insulted a soap star when he drunk tweeted. He said that was a mess.
Howard gave Neil some plugs for the play and for ''A Million Ways to Die In The West.'' Howard asked if he wanted to bad mouth Harvey Weinstein like Robert Duvall did. Neil said he has no reason to do that. Neil told Howard that he's a big fan of the show. He told them to keep on keeping on. He said he loves the show but Hanzi is really disrespectful. He said he thinks Eric the Actor is okay because he's doing his own thing. He said Hanzi is really out there and disrespectful. Howard said that he's delusional. He said he lives in a basement and he believes that he spends his day manipulating his life. Fred threw in some Hanzi clips while he was talking about him. Howard said Hanzi is holding it against him that he didn't let him come to the birthday show.
Howard said he has Hanzi on the phone actually. They played him in with the Imran Khan song parody. Hanzi said ''Fuck you Neil Patrick Harris'' as soon as Howard picked up. Hanzi said Neil knows that there are powers in Hollywood and he doesn't even think he's gay. Neil said he sees there are secret forces behind the show but there are no other forces. Howard said that it's successful despite those forces. Howard said Neil doesn't like him on the show. Neil said that Howard is the nicest guy and he doesn't get why he's so mean to Howard. Neil said that Howard fucks with him off the air. He said Neil knows it because he's illuminati too. Howard said that they all go to Elton's house and plan it all. Hanzi said he wants to be an extra on How I Met Your Mother. Neil said that the illuminati won't allow that. Howard hung up on Hanzi and went to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's watching the Long Island Medium. Howard said he isn't. The caller said he should have her on the show. Howard said it's all nonsense. Howard said no one is speaking to the dead. He said there is no afterlife and no psychic. The caller said he thinks that it would be a good show.
Howard said Sal thinks she's real and he's constantly telling stories about her. Howard told Gary to get Sal in there. Howard said he pitches her at every writing meeting. Gary said that Sal is doing a phony phone call with Neil right now.
Sal came in and said he just did a bunch of drops and stuff with Neil. Howard asked if he's really done. Sal said they are done with Neil now. He said that Neil just asked him how he gets called on the air. He said as he was asking that they called him in. Howard asked again if he's done with Neil. Gary said he is done. He's in the hall talking to Lisa G.
Howard said that Sal pitches the Long Island Medium every week in the writing meetings. He said Sal says he now has proof that she's real. Sal said he went out and bought a barbecue with Larry, the husband of the Long Island Medium. Sal said he got a great barbecue. He said as they were putting it in the truck Larry told him that he went up to the sister of this guy in the supermarket and asked ''Who is Chaluba?'' Sal said that she knew the name of this guy's sister. Howard said that this is all third hand. He asked if he knows what that means. Sal said he knows. He wasn't there when it happened. Howard said that she's not doing it in front of anyone.
Howard said that ghosts never appear in front of a camera. He asked Sal if he understands why. Sal said that this guy came up to him and told him what had happened. Howard said that there are people who say they see aliens and no one else is around when it happens. Howard said aliens would come in and say hi and not hide. He said it didn't happen. Howard asked why she can't do it in front of Sal. Sal said that this guy had no reason to make this up to him.
Gary asked why she doesn't talk to Jesus. Sal said she does. She has spoken to Michael Jackson too. The caller asked what's wrong with getting her on the show and proving her wrong. Sal said she would come on the show. Sal said Larry told him that when Valerie Harper passes away she can tell him what the word was that Howard got from her. Howard said when she dies he will have the Long Island Medium on the show and if she tells him the word then he'll believe it.
Will said that they spoke to a publicist who had a ton of rules about having her on the show. He said they want her to have a 30 minute meeting with the person before hand. She has to get to know the person. Sal said that was the production company. He said it wasn't her. Howard said she knows about it. Howard told Sal to get with it.
Howard asked Sal if he pitched a bit to have a polygraph guy in there to test the guys to find out if any of them are gay. Howard asked Sal if he thinks he's gay. Sal said he's not gay but you never know what will happen in those tests. Sal said he's sure he could pass but he's not sure about the test.
Howard asked Sal if he has ever swallowed a load. Sal said he has tasted his own semen. He said he was on some wacky drugs and he gave it a taste. He said it was disgusting and wrong. He said he guarantees that Gary has had a gay experience. He said if you want to camp then you probably had a gay experience.
Sal said he thinks that Gary might be gay because it's genetic. Gary asked if every gay person has other gay people in the family. Sal said if you're Italian then you have Italians in the family. He said it's the same for gay people. Howard kicked him out of there after that.
The caller asked Howard not to join with AGT again. He said the show is horrible. Howard said he enjoys it so he's going to do it if he wants to. Howard said it has nothing to do with the caller. Robin said the guy doesn't have to watch it. Howard went into a live commercial read and then went to break.
Robin started her news with a story about a news station that was called by a man who said some confusing things and then a truck came ramming through the doors of the station. Robin said the man ran out and the police arrived and found him in the control room watching the coverage of his own arrest. Robin said the man identified himself as god. Howard said if God did come back he probably would do that.
Howard took a call from Tommy from Malden who asked if a woman is attacking like Solange did to Jay Z, does the guy have the right to hit back? Howard said of course he does. Howard said the security guard saved Jay Z that day. Howard said he has been beaten by women many times and he cowers in a corner. Tommy said when Nicole Bass is awesome the way she puts up with them goofing on her. Howard said she is.
Robin read more about the Jay Z and Solange story. Robin said that there are a couple of stories coming out about what may have happened there. Howard said most of the problems in this world star with people who want to go to these clubs. Howard said just stay away from the clubs.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him to give them an SNL type ending for the birthday show so they can watch the people just mingling. Howard said he will do that. He said they're still editing it and it should be ready for the summer. Howard said he has to make sure there are no shots that make him look weird.
Robin read that Beyonce tweeted out a prayer. Howard said that's weird. Howard said she's got enough.
Robin said Alec Baldwin was arrested for riding his bike down the street the wrong way. Howard said he got arrested again for ripping the tags off his mattress too. Robin said he was breaking the law and they told him to stop and he just kept breaking the law. Howard said he thinks that Justin Bieber is worse for throwing eggs. Howard said riding against traffic is the best thing to do. He said you can see cars coming at you. Robin said most times they have bikers riding with traffic there. Howard said it's so dangerous. Howard said everyone he knows who rides in the city gets hurt. Robin said she was impressed that Alec rides in the city. Howard said he thinks he would have been fine if he didn't get belligerent. Robin said that it seems you don't dare tell Alec what to do. Howard said he's never seen Alec act out like this. Robin said it was a very public run in. She had some audio of a witness explaining what they saw. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Clay Aiken winning a primary election in South Carolina. Howard said that Ruben Stoddard beat him on American Idol so he should be the congressman. Robin had some audio of a guy talking about how Clay won the primary. Howard said there hasn't been such a mockery since the guy from The Love Boat won. Robin read some more details about that. Robin said he goes on to the general election now.
Robin read that they still haven't found Casey Kasem. Howard said they think his wife has stashed him on an Indian reservation. Howard said that's kind of weird. Robin said she doesn't know how she does that and no one can find the trail. Howard said everyone on an Indian reservation has to work. He said just wait until Casey tells them what he does. He can count backwards. Howard said the guy rose all the way to the top doing that. Howard said he was so successful at counting backwards that he owns entire buildings in Los Angeles. Howard said he beat the odds and then he ends up in a tee pee. Howard said if he ends up like that after all he's gone through he gives up. Robin read more about the case and how the judge wants Kasem located.
Robin read a story about one of those bouncy houses that people rent for kids going flying up in the air when a gust of wind caught it. Robin said 3 kids were injured. Robin said two of them were seriously injured. Robin had some audio of a witness describing what she saw. Robin said they say two boys fell about 20 feet. One fell on a parked car. The other landed on asphalt. One girl fell from a few feet.
Robin read a story about Joran van der Sloot and how he's set to get married to a woman he knocked up. Robin said that she's a few months pregnant. Robin said he's in jail serving 28 years for murder and he's about to get married. Robin brought that up and mentioned that JD has trouble finding dates. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Karl Rove talking about Hillary Clinton having brain damage from a fall she took in 2012. Robin had some audio of him talking about that. Robin said Rove thinks this could be an issue if she wants to run for president in 2016. Howard played some Wendy the Retard audio where she's talking about Obama. He joked that it was Hillary Clinton and said she does sound a little off.
Robin read about Newark, New Jersey electing a new mayor by the name of Ras Baraka.
Robin read about a shooting that took place in a mall. Robin said this seems to be happening almost weekly now. Howard said we have a society that's out of control.
Robin read about Magic Johnson talking to Anderson Cooper last night. Robin had some audio of him talking to Anderson about Donald Sterling. Magic said he's going to pray for him. Howard said Sterling has a real hard on for Magic. He's not sure what's up with that.
Robin read about a crisis manager in New York who laid out a strategy to handle Donald Sterling. Robin had some audio of him saying that he thinks Sterling should do. He said he should admit his mistakes and then stop talking. Robin read about Lebron James talking about Donald Sterling and how he won't take the court next year if Sterling is still an owner of the Clippers. Robin said the wife is still trying to hold on to her part ownership of the team. Robin said there are people saying she knew what he felt about people in the 50 years she was married to him.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who asked who he thinks is the most influential radio show host of all time. Howard said Jeff sounds awful. He said he doesn't see him living past the weekend. Howard said he thinks that he's the most influential. Jeff said he knows that. Howard asked how Jeff even owns a phone when he has no money.
Howard said Shuli told him a story about Jeff and how he had just quit the show. Howard said this was just a few minutes ago. Shuli said this has been going on for over two weeks. He said he leaves voice mails about how Howard doesn't take his calls so he's quitting the show. Howard said he can't quit something he's not paid for. Shuli said 10 minutes ago he was on the phone with him interviewing him about it. He said he told him it's not personal. He said it's just not good enough stuff. Howard said it's not even that. He said he just can't get to everyone. Shuli said that he's been upset that he's taking calls from Hanzi every day. Howard said he loves that he's quitting the show. He said he should quit siting on his ass and get a job. Shuli said he calls his cell phone day and night to complain. He said he brings up stuff from 17 years ago too.
Robin got back to her news and said they have figured out how to extend the Oscar Pistorius trial even further. Robin said they had a defence witness who said that Oscar could be a danger to the public. Now the prosecution has asked him to go through a psychiatric evaluation. Howard said it's good for ratings. Robin said they are going to evaluate him for 30 days before he even gets back into court again. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a symphony in Colorado that had to change their ''Classical Cannibus'' concert because they could be breaking the law with it. They had to make it by invitation only.
Robin read about the Cannes Film Festival going on in France. Howard said he was there for his movie. He said he didn't enjoy it over there. He said he wanted to but he wasn't able to enjoy it. He said he got to see it with subtitles over there. Howard said there were a lot of stars over there. He said he just wanted to be home though.
Robin read a story about a coal mine fire in Turkey. Howard said that would be a good place to hide Casey Kasem.
Robin read about this movie Searching for Sugarman. Robin said that there was a movie made about this guy a few years ago. She said that he was a sensation in South America and he had no idea. Robin said that a guy went on a search for this guy and they made it into a documentary. Robin said that this guy Malik Bendjelloul died at the age of 36. He was the one who produced the movie. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:10am.
Jon said that Neil asked what they do if Howard calls them in if they're working on a call. Then someone knocked on the door asking Sal to go in. He said he thought that was so ironic. Sal said he almost felt like he was being set up. He said sometimes that happens. Sal said that's why he was shot out of a cannon today when he went in. He said he had no idea what they were talking about.
Jon said he wants to talk about Sal's theory about how Gary must be gay because his brother was gay. Jon asked what he was trying to say during that discussion. Sal said he's more relaxed now so he can explain it properly. Sal said he thinks most people have had a gay experience or a gay tendency. He said if you take this gay test them something could come out. Gary asked him why he thinks that he would be more likely to have gay tendencies because of his gay brother. Sal said it's in the genetics. He said he's talking about science here. He said that Gary could have that chromosome that his bother had. He said it could be in there. He said that maybe Gary has some of that environmental stuff affecting him too. Jon asked how much of that is environmental. Sal said he thinks it's like 40 percent.
Sal said he is 100 percent straight but he does stuff in comedy that's gay. He said he didn't have a gay brother and he did gay things so just imagine what Gary has done. Sal said he is 100 percent social and environmental but Gary has that genetic thing. He said Gary was surrounded by it too so he could have done something.
Sal said he has been around gay stuff and he didn't participate. He said that he thinks we've all been in gay situations. Jon asked what he thinks about Richard. Sal said he goes for the gay card in comedy. He said he thinks Richard would have no problem making out with him for a bit. He said he thinks he's 100 percent straight but he is looser with the gay shit. Sal said that maybe something went down with Jon as well.
Jon asked Sal based on his theory does he think his brother could get diabetes. Sal said if there is a family history then it could happen. Sal said he thinks it's about the gay gene with the gay thing.
Gary said Sal has angered him. He said he forgives him already because he's just ignorant. Gary said if he had any power in management he'd be walked out of the building or be getting a huge amount of apologies ready. He said he is no better than someone who says that all black people can't swim.
Benjy said when they grew up being gay was a bad thing. He said that maybe Gary is more sensitive to this. He said that it is genetic. Gary said there are 3 kids in his family and only one of them was gay. Gary said he doesn't want to talk to Benjy right now and he doesn't want to hear his wacky theories.
Jon said this is Gary's first hand experience so he should explain why he finds this off base. Gary said he isn't insulted in any homophobic way. He said saying that someone could be gay because someone else in the family is gay is just wrong. Sal said they have done studies about it. Benjy said that it is being studied. Gary asked Benjy to let Sal be Sal for a minute.
Jon asked Sal how he found out about XQ28. Sal said he researched it and found out about it. He said that's how he brought it up on the air. Jon asked if you have gay family members then he's not 100 percent social gay. Sal said he has no gay people in his blood line. Then he said he has a gay cousin. He said he is blood. Gary said he could have some gay proclivity then. Sal said he could.
Gary said that Sal is of average intelligence. Gary said he's dead average. He said in that case his kids are going to be the same. Sal said that his one son is on the honor roll. He said his other son is just like him. He said it is in the blood.
Benjy said that he's sorry he had an outburst. He said that he finds this very interesting though. He said that male sexuality isn't a choice. He asked where that homosexual thing comes from. He asked if he thinks that it's an inherent thing or a thing they learn. Gary said he can't explain to Benjy why but he doesn't want to hear from him. He said Benjy is just a contrarian and he just picks the other side. Benjy said he's really not. Gary said he would rather not be there than talk to Benjy. Gary said he's going to step out and go to the bathroom and when he comes back they'll be on another subject.
Jon said he thinks Gary is pissed at Benjy because he didn't give him a chance to respond. Benjy said he did and Gary was just spouting off. Benjy said he was just showing he was smart.
Jon said he goes to great pains to make sure everyone has the chance to speak. He said that you have to stop talking and let the other person finish what they're saying. He said he doesn't think Benjy was doing that for Gary. Benjy said he doesn't think it was completely that.
Gary came back in and said Benjy isn't addressing what Jon said. Benjy said he may have come out in an over enthusiastic way. Gary said he has asked him not to shout him down on the show on many occasions. He said that's what he did today. Gary said he is a guest there and he asked him not to do that. Gary said he is a host. He said Benjy is an invited guest. He said he is there as a guest so act like one. Benjy said he thinks he is. Gary said when he's talking and he yells over him it's not right. Benjy said that 99 percent of the time he is.
Benjy said he wants to talk about this in a rational way. Gary told him to go ahead. Benjy asked if he has read studies about the youngest brother in a family is more likely to be gay. Gary said he has never read that. Benjy said if being homosexual is just ''you are'' where does the ''are'' part come from. Gary said he doesn't know. Gary asked where the studies are that there are more gay siblings in families. Benjy said there are a lot of studies that show there is a genetic component.
Gary said during the show Sal said that he thinks that Gary could be gay because he has a gay brother. He said Sal doesn't even know when he says something is wrong until they tell him he's wrong. Jon said he used the comparison to him being Italian too.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Sal proved he is an idiot today. He said what he said about his brother is just wrong. Sal said all he said was that Gary could be gay if his brother was gay. The caller said he really is dumb.
Benjy asked the caller if he said to him that he may have been more likely to pass on the genetic material to someone then what would he say. Benjy said all you have to do is look it up in the medical journals. Gary said he's very vague about that so he should look it up and show them.
Jon said he wants to move off of that and get to other things. He took a call from a guy who said Sal owes Gary an apology. He said he has a gay daughter but his theory on this subject has no logic. He said he has no paperwork to prove what he's saying. Sal told him to look up XQ28 on the web. The caller also said that he can't say that he's 100 percent not gay. Sal said he doesn't want to be with a man. He said he isn't uptight about gayness either. He said it doesn't bother him one bit.
Benjy said that he thinks gay stuff is fun to make fun of. He said that maybe some day it could be looked at like dressing up in black face. Gary said it will. He said black people can't help being black. Benjy asked him if he thinks that's genetic. Gary said he knows what he's going for. He said he's not saying that people are not born gay but he doesn't think that it can run in the family.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Gary is 100 percent wrong about this. He said his brother is gay and his mother's whole family is full of fags. He said that they have a bunch of people in the family who are gay. He said Sal is 190 percent right about this. He said he has seen his brother in law do such gay shit. Jon said Sal has a supporter there.
Sal said that if he offended Gary he wants to apologize to him. Gary said he thinks that it's just a dumb comment. Sal said he agrees. He said it's a touchy and serious thing. Sal said on a personal level he wants him to know that if he was offended he wants to apologize. Gary said he likes that he says ''if you were offended.'' Sal said a few more words and Gary said he was exhausted from this. He said he has a really long day ahead of him too. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said Gary is clearly frazzled. He said he wanted to make sure he's okay. Gary said he's fine. He asked how Benjy is too. Benjy said he's fine. He said he didn't think he was interrupting too much. He said he does apologize if he thinks he did. Benjy said that he thinks Gary has more sensitivity on that subject than other people might. Benjy said he has all of that anger. Gary said his anger toward Benjy is about the way he yells about this stuff he thinks is fact. Benjy said he was just saying there seems to be a genetic component to your sexuality. He said he was trying to get Gary to look at it in a philosophical way. Jon said he gets his point but they're kind of going in a circle so he's going to move on.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Neil Patrick Harris. Jon said that Neil and Richard Christy are into haunted houses and it's something that they both love. Gary said he had to call Neil last week and he got a very weird answering machine message. He said that it was the same message that Richard would have on his machine. He said it was just goofy.
Sal said that they still have Halloween pumpkins in their office back there. He said he doesn't really care though. He said Richard is happy so he's happy. He said it's like a Halloween show in there.
Jon said Neil is another religious Howard Stern fan. He said that he knows how to give a good interview because of that. He said the Elton John stuff was good. Gary said he only hinted in interviews about CBS approaching him. He said today he talked about it in detail. He said there's a lot of stuff there for people to write about.
Gary said this was only the second appearance for Neil but it felt like the 10th. He said he was very comfortable in there. Jon said he talked about going to school as Doogie Howser and just imagine what that would have been like. He said they must have hounded him. Sal said it was either that or they loved it. He said they had a kid in school who was in a video game commercial.
Shuli said he knew a kid who was in Small Wonder. He got goofed on a lot until the show took off and he was out of there.
Jon said another thing Neil was talking about was his parents moving to L.A. for him. He said they were living off his income while they were out there because they were lawyers and couldn't practice law there. Jon asked if the guys would be willing to do that for their kids. Gary said it could be difficult. He said he read an article about Hollywood kids and they had the good the bad and the ugly. He said they were talking about people like Lindsay Lohan and Ron Howard being on the opposite ends of the spectrum. He said they never take about how well Neil has adjusted.
Jon said Neil is as good of an award show host as anyone out there. He said he gets it. Jon said he has his hand on the pulse of that. Sal said he did a prank call today too. He said he's very well rounded.
Gary said he never looked at Neil thinking that he was gay. He said when he finally game out it was like he was the same guy and it didn't matter at all.
Gary said that Neil is the guy on How I Met Your Mother who has his own book of rules for women. He said he was really funny on the show. Jon said that he liked the story he told about the negotiations on the show. He said he admitted he was the one that could have held things up for the rest of them. Jon said after the interview he stuck around to do interviews and prank calls. They went to break a short time later.
Sal said he loved Duvall in ''Colors.'' Gary said he was in The Great Santini and he was nominated there. He lost to De Niro in Raging Bull that year. Gary said Tender Mercies won him the Oscar. He said that was his fourth best role but he thinks they gave it to him because it was his time.
Jon said Duvall kept saying that Howard is a different guy. Gary said he has no idea what that was about. Jon said he thinks he did the best job of playing a bracket game than anyone else. Gary said he did talk about it when he was ready to talk.
They talked about the director that Duvall brought up who said The Godfather wouldn't work as a movie. Gary said he thought he knew who it was but Duvall told him he was wrong.
The guys brought up the personal note that Duvall got from Brando. Sal asked if Gary has ever gotten one like that. Gary said he just got one from Dan Rather and that meant a lot to him. Sal said he's never received one. He said he was in Carol Leifer's book though. He said that was pretty cool.
Shuli said he went to Richard's parents house and he had a voice mail from Howard that he was shocked by. He said he loved that.
Gary said he has a big tub that he has filled with memorabilia that he's gotten on the show. He said any time Howard sends him a personalized note he throws it in there. He said he has no idea what he's going to do with that stuff though. Gary said that stuff is personal so he's keeping it that way.
Jon asked Sal about what he thinks about what Howard said about the Long Island Medium. Sal said that the guy who wrapped up the barbecue didn't know him. He said he knew Larry. Gary asked how he knows he doesn't know him. He asked why he would bring up the Long Island Medium anyway. Sal said he didn't appear to know him. Sal said the kid saw Larry and said the Long Island Medium knew this relative of his. He said that Larry was surprised by the story too. Sal said that he found it interesting that she pegged a nickname. He said it also came from a source that didn't know who he was.
Benjy said there could be other reasons she got to that. He said it could mean she has psychic ability. He said it could be a coincidence.
Shuli said that he'd like to see what she can do on the show and they can hand pick people to come in. Gary said he's not sure that will happen. Jon said that Will came in and said there were conditions that had to be met before she'd do that.
Sal said that it's her production people that wanted all of that. He said that she is concerned but she'd love to do the show. He said TLC came forward and said that she has to have the person she's reading in a room for a half hour. Sal said that Larry told him that she doesn't do that for other radio shows. He said that TLC may want to be ahead of the game.
Benjy said that he'd like to know if they can broadcast the half hour discussion she has with that person. Gary said she feels the vibe when she feels it. She doesn't get it from everyone. Sal said he saw her in front of 3000 people and she said stuff that totally blew him away. He said she knew down to a Hello Kitty Band-Aid. Gary said he doesn't know her but there are similar people who have been exposed in the past. Sal said he knows. He said he saw George Anderson who was on channel 6. Gary asked if that's a real channel. Sal said it was a cable channel. Sal said that they had him on after Deputy Dog. Sal said he went to see him and he had this word in his head from his grandmother. Sal said he got in there and he was doing his reading and he came over and asked if they were Italian. He said his mom said they were. He said George asked if he knew anyone named Joe. She did but he was alive. George said he'd get back to her and that was it. He said he came up with nothing about his grandmother.
Gary said he had a really heart breaking experience. He said someone lost a relative in 9/11 and they were so saddened by that. He said she came in and asked if he could put her in touch with a well known psychic. Gary said he told the woman that he couldn't do that in good conscience. He said that he felt it would make it worse for her. He said he felt so bad but maybe he should have sent her. Gary said he can't do that if he knows it's bullshit. Sal said if you know it's bullshit then you can't.
Gary asked if Sal knows Theresa. Sal said of course. He said he knows Larry more than her. Gary said he saw her in a magazine the other day and she didn't look so bad.
Sal said that there are scam artists out there. He said they're not all scam artists though. He said there are good contractors and bad ones too. He said he finds Theresa to be intriguing. He said from what he's observed he finds it impressive. Jon said he could never send someone to a psychic. Gary said it doesn't seem right to mess with someone like that.
Benjy said that story almost made him cry. He said it's heart breaking. Jon said they had to end the show after that. He had Shuli do a rundown of what they had coming up today in the Howard 100 News. They ended the show around 11:15am.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla visiting. He said they've gone in different directions and they've both become famous. Gary said Jimmy and Adam came to them when they weren't all that famous. Now Jimmy is one of the late night TV talk show hosts. He said Jimmy started that show thinking that he wouldn't wear a suit and all of that. He said he is doing his own thing there and it's an interesting show. He said Jimmy is a very good interviewer. Jon said he is wearing the suit now and he is doing that formula thing but he has a wacky edge to it. He said it's not the typical late night show. Gary said the ABC people are in it for the long haul so they keep him going. Gary said he has a picture from Las Vegas and it's him, Artie, Jimmy, Greg Fitzsimmons and a couple of others. He said Jimmy has gotten into shape since those days.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks that Jimmy is Howard's closest show business friend. Gary said he thinks so. He said if Jimmy was in New York it would be an insane friendship. He said Adam was talking about how Jimmy has been a fan for a long time and being his friend is something he wanted. He said he thinks that it's gotten to the point where they have things to talk about.
Jon said he compares that to Sal who worked his way onto the show. He said Gary kind of did that too. Gary said he wasn't a nationally known guy at that time. Gary said you want to make sure that people want to be your friend for the right reasons. Benjy asked if he ever tries to become someone's friend if they're not like that. Gary said sure. He said he imagines in a wacky world if he met Bruce Springsteen if they'd have anything in common. Benjy asked if there are any regular people he meets that he wants to do that with. Gary said that happens.
Jon said that he thinks that people feel like they know Howard very well and they get him. He said that some of them think that Howard would get them if he could hang out with them. Jon said when he was on the show he figured he could be buddies.
Benjy asked who Jon connects with the most. Jon said he connects to Gary. He said he felt that way before. He said they have kids around the same age and they have things they can talk about. Benjy asked if he has any people that he would throw away to have a relationship with Howard. Jon said no. Benjy said he thinks that he gets along with Richard Christy the most on the show. He said the Howard thing would be intriguing. Jon said Howard leads a life that most people don't get to see. He said he is a good guy and they do have a few things in common but a lot that they don't.
Benjy asked if Jon would be drawn to Howard in high school. Jon said he could be one but he thinks that Gary and Steve would be people he'd be drawn to in high school.
Gary said he has become friends with celebrities on the show but that comes from talking and getting to know each other. One of them is Jeff Probst. He said you can't just base a friendship based on hearing them on the air. He said there has to be something there.
Jon said he has become friends with Jon Stamos. He said he never thought in a million years that would happen. He said he started talking to him and being on the show really fueled that. He said he's happy he's a friend.
Benjy said he thinks that friendships at his age is so much different growing up. He asked if they have ever called Stamos to ask to go out to play. Gary said he has. He said he has asked him out to dinner. Gary said friendships are based on couples and more than what they used to be.
Jon said that people thinks Adam and Jimmy were joined at the hip. He said he thinks they're lifelong friends. Gary said he thinks that they still have a production company together. He said he thinks Jimmy and Adam do stuff with Daniel Kellison.
Jon said he thinks that the friendship between Howard and Robin has gotten closer. He said that they seem to have a lot of off air connections. Jon said the one that throws him for the loop is Fred. He said he can't tell how close he is to Howard. He said he knows they love and respect each other but he's not sure how close friends they are. Gary said he doesn't either. Gary said he considers Fred a friend. He said they went through things 30 years ago that would always be there. He said they cleared Howard's office together 30 years ago and basically robbed NBC. He said Fred isn't the guy who tells you about himself. He said that's not his way so you just don't know.
Jon said he and Fred talk a lot. He said they talk about raising kids and he's gotten to know him well. He said he still has no idea how close he is with Howard. Benjy said he thinks that Gary is closer to Howard than Robin and Fred. Gary said he thinks Robin is. He said he and Howard talk regularly but only because they have to. He said he thinks Robin and Howard just chat. He said he might talk about business with Howard and then chat. He said Howard never calls him to just chat. He did call him after his dad died and after the birthday show to talk about how that went.
Gary said he and Jon make those calls all the time. He said that he was walking the dog once and they had a discussion about the logistics of picking up the kids. Gary said he will have 20 minutes to kill walking the dog and he'll just pick up the phone and call him.
Benjy asked Jon if he does the web cam thing with Howard. Jon said they did that for a while but not so much now. He said if it happens it happens. He said that he would initiate that sometimes. Benjy asked him to do it now. Benjy asked if he would talk about work. Jon said it was a lot of technical stuff they'd have problems with that led to them talking.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if there are any times that Howard was excited about someone coming in and wanted to be their friend. Gary said he's never seen it go that way. He said there is a period of time after the interview ends and they chat. He said Howard never used to pull that off but now he chats with people and they'll trade numbers and get together. Benjy said it's easier with cell phones and email and all of that. Gary said he thinks that Howard likes people more and he's into talking to people and getting to know new people.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Gary if he has become numb to the guests and if he gets star struck. Gary said he still does. He said when someone is on for the first time he gets that way. He said Dan Rather was on and he wasn't really star struck but he meant something to him. He said sometimes he'll go up to publicists and talk to them. He said Miley Cyrus was up there and her publicist introduced him to her. He said she was a big fan and he talked to her about that. Gary said he still gets excited about getting people on the show so he is star struck in that way too.
Benjy asked if there is anyone he ever wants to impress. Gary said Louis C.K. came in and he talked to him for a few minutes and then they were off. He said he's never really looking to impress anyone.
Benjy said he was in the bathroom and Norm MacDonald came into the bathroom and started a conversation. He said it just wasn't a good experience.
Gary said they were shooting Girls out in front of the building. He said Lisa G told him to go down there so he did. He said Allison Williams was there and he didn't bother her. He said she was busy petting the bomb sniffing dog they have at the building. They went to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to talk about Gary coming in to show the picture of Duvall from The Godfather. He said he likes that he called him ''Mr. Duvall.'' Gary said there are people who have earned that. He said they called James Brown ''Mr. Brown'' and they call Trump ''Mr. Trump.''
Jon took a call from a guy who asked about the ping pong ball thing and he thinks it was that girl who tried to do a bunch of things with her vagina. He remembered her name as Tina Cherry. Benjy asked how he remembered that name. The caller said he just did. The guy said that he got the impression that Howard was either ashamed by that or maybe his whole past of his immature things that he did. He said he thinks Howard has evolved and he's doing the best he's ever done but that's the vibe he got. Gary said he doesn't think Howard is ashamed of his past but he's not the same guy he was back then.
Jon said he thinks Howard has changed a lot but he's still the guy who will stop the show to fart into the microphone. Gary said he loves when he does that. He shoves that microphone right into his crotch too.
Jon took a call from a woman who asked about Dr. Fisch and his weight assessment. She asked if anyone is taking action. She said she hopes JD will because he's younger and single. Jon said he is going to throw that to Gary. He said he also wants to go beyond that segment. Gary said he thinks that JD won't drop any weight. He said he knows he has to but he may not think he's in the league where he needs a wake up call. Gary said Jon won't do anything because he has been told he has to lose weight but he hasn't yet. He said Benjy would do it if they had a cash prize. Benjy said he could lose 50 pounds in 2 months if he wanted. Gary said he would lose 50 if he had a cash prize.
Gary said Jason will drop weight but it ends up stalling for him. Gary said he has seen Jason lose weight and he does it fairly easy. Benjy said most fat people seem to lose it quickly and more so than skinny people.
The caller said that Jason seems to be overwhelmed by the whole thing. She said that she thinks Benjy theorizes about losing weight and seems to understand it more. Benjy asked if she's heavy. She said she is not.
Gary said Benjy is notorious for theorizing about that stuff. Benjy said he thinks that fat people who have dieted a lot know how to do it.
Jon said he thinks that a lot of fat people know how to do it but they don't want to. He said he has to lose weight himself and he has to change his lifestyle. He said that's a huge change to make. He said it's easy to lose 5 pounds here and there but the key is making it part of your day to day. He said you have to get in better shape. He said Gary was able to do that and made it a part of his life. Jon said they could all do it for a contest for a couple of weeks. Making that lifestyle change is hard and most of them aren't willing to do that.
Benjy said he thinks that Jon should do a food diary. Jon said he has done that and it can be depressing. The caller said she has done that too and it's tough. She said it's hard to make that lifestyle change. She said she thinks that Jon would be the most likely to do that. She said she thinks that they're right that JD won't do anything about his. She said he really should.
Jon said JD is in there now. He asked if he was motivated the other day. JD said he has been walking back and forth to work now. He said that's a big change. He said he's moving a lot more than he was.
Gary said they had Gambling Dan on the show and he went to Gamblers Anonymous. He said he only went to one class. He said they all gambled away their houses and he didn't understand that the tuition he gambled away was the same thing. He said JD doesn't see that he's heading down the road that the rest of the guys have been down. JD said he knows he's not the picture of health.
Gary said that he went to the doctor and the doctor told him that he will know when he knows that he has to lose weight. Gary said he still doesn't know what he was supposed to know. Jon said deep down he should know. Gary said he really doesn't.
Gary said the thing that surprises him about Jon is that he's athletic and he doesn't think exercise is a big leap for him. Jon said it's not. He said he used to play ice hockey a lot but he can't do that with the hours he has now. He said it kills him when people think that he isn't an athlete. He said he can still throw a ball and do things like that.
Gary said that he knows that it can be done by people who are not athletic. He said he has seen it happen. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said it's the ultimate. He said when he came in as a fan of the show and you sort of know the vibe. He said you also know how to prepare. Jon said that you should know the show and be confident. He said you don't kiss up to him though. He said you don't treat him like a god. Jon said you just have a conversation and you'll blend right in.
Gary said he's seen fans of the show come in and they end up crashing and burning. He said they have jokes and stories ready but they don't work out. He said Howard is in control of the show and he has to slow them down.
Jon said you have to know how to hang. He said Jimmy Kimmel is really good at that. He said some people come on and try to do a good job but they get in the way. He said you need to feel that rhythm of the show. Gary said it's the worst for comedians. He said if they're not getting in jokes every second they're not doing their job. He said you just wait for the right time to do that on this show.
Jon asked Gary if there was any chance that Howard was going to get those questions right in the quiz. Gary said no and people were calling him out about the Radu question because they thought Howard had him as his own trainer at one time. Jon said Gary recalls almost everything about the show.
Benjy asked Gary who was on the show last Wednesday. Gary said that's not a fair question. He said that he has a great memory about the show and he had a girl come up to him like she knew him. He said he didn't remember her but she got naked on the show in 1987 and he didn't remember her. Gary said in her world he should have remembered her. He said it was the biggest thing she had ever done. Gary said he should remember a girl who got naked in front of him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Gary gets his balls busted a lot but the fans appreciate watch he does. He said he has done some amazing bookings on the show. He said he really appreciated the Billy Joel interview thing. He said they've been kicking ass lately. Gary said they have one of the best teams there. He said he really feels he has a sensibility for the show after all these years.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Jon what he weighs and how tall he is. Jon said he's 6'2'' and 255 pounds. Gary said it wasn't about the weight though. He said it was a formula that Dr. Fisch used.
Jon said it was time to end the show. He had the guys get in their plugs and they ended the show around 11:00am.
Jon said Neil did the Harold and Kumar movie and he took off in that. Gary said it was a great idea to make him a crack addict in that movie. Richard said he loves him in those movies. Richard as in the second Harold and Kumar movie. Richard said Neil's scene comes on right after his and it's so brilliant. He said he's eating mushrooms and drinking whiskey and it's so funny.
Jon said a lot of people assume that's the real Neil Patrick Harris when they see something like that. It's really not like him at all.
Jon asked Richard how he got close to Neil. Richard said he and Neil came together over the haunted house thing. He said they were talking about haunted houses yesterday. He said he mentioned a name that only hard core fanatics are into. He subscribes to a magazine that only the hard core fans know about. He said Neil even knew the editor of the magazine.
Gary said he knew he was geeky when he talked about being the head of the magic castle. He said he's heard about that place. He said you have to be invited to get in.
Richard mentioned Houdini's grave so Jon asked if he has ever been to any graves. Richard said he has. He said he loves running through cemeteries around Halloween. He said it gets him into the spirit. Richard said in Salem, Massachusetts they have a great cemetery. He said he loves them because they're so peaceful. Gary said that he has been to look for a celebrity cemetery plot. He said he and Mary were in Martha's Vineyard and he went to look for it. He said they fond this giant rock that says ''Belushi'' on it and they took pictures on it. He said they found out years later that it was a stunt rock that the real plot is way in the back. He said the rock is for the morons like him who want to hang out by it.
Richard said he took his wife to see Jim Morrison's grave and that cemetery is really nice. He said they went to the catacombs under Paris too. He said they're really old and they have piles of bones. He said you stand next to a skull that's like 1000 years old. Richard said they have skulls made into the shame of a heart.
Benjy said that cemeteries used to be like parks. Jon said the jogging through them makes sense then. Richard said sometimes he'll be running through and a funeral procession will come through.
Gary said he thinks Jim Morrison would come out and tell the people drinking by his grave that he died from drinking.
Jon said his close friend's father died and he went to the funeral. It was in Westchester and it's a pretty famous place. He said Babe Ruth is buried there so he and his friends went to see that. He said his friend understood why they went over there to see that.
Jon asked the guys if they think people will visit Howard's grave site and take pictures at it. Gary said he thinks if Howard spends his time in death like he does in life then you'll never find his grave. Richard said he said he wants to be buried in a mausoleum. Richard said he does too so he can get out easy if there is a zombie like thing that happens. Richard said he is terrified that you just cease to exist. He said that freaks him out. Richard said that he thinks being frozen or in a mausoleum makes sense. Gary said if you die you're embalmed so you're not really a human anymore. He said you don't have blood. Benjy said that they don't do that with Jewish people. He said you just get put in a box and get buried.
Gary said you're not really who you are when you die. Richard said he just thinks that being above ground makes more sense. Gary said being in a mausoleum is a very egocentric thing to do. He said that you have a house that you're in and your name is on it. Gary said he had an aunt who said that they bought a house and it turned out it was a mausoleum in a cemetery. Richard said if it was legal he'd live in a mausoleum in a cemetery.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she goes to cemeteries in Los Angeles all the time. She said last week they were talking about Richard crying at the end of Halloween and he said Donald Sutherland instead of Donald Pleasants. Richard said he got so pissed at himself over that. He said he was in the throws of emotion. Jon said that he's just a poseur Halloween fan.
The caller asked if she can get tickets to go see the celebrity super fan round table. Gary said he doesn't know exactly what's going on with that. He said if they do have tickets he'll get her name just in case. They put her on hold and went to break.
Jon said that Neil talked about being Doogie Howser at 15 and 16 and how tough it was at school. He said he was making a good living at it and he wonders if it's worth it when you have to put up with people calling you Doogie. Richard said it's a really memorable name and no one else is named Doogie so it's really stuck with him.
Jon asked JD if he was a Doogie fan. JD said he was. He said he loved at the end when he typed up the memo. He said the girl on the show was hot too. He said she was the only Wanda that was hot.
Jon said that Neil's parents packed up and moved to California and they had no income so they had to live off him for a couple of years. He said they also said they'd only do the show if it was a Steven Bochco show. Gary said he'd love to know what kind of money they were making when they were lawyers and when their son was supporting them. Gary said that it's something to throw away your business to move to California for your kid.
Jon asked Gary if he could do that with his kids. Gary said he doesn't want to stop working. He said he's not sure he could give up his career for his kid's career. He said there are a lot of kid actors who don't make it. He said he had first hand knowledge of Macauley Culkin's family when he was doing Home Alone. He said they lived in the same building as they were in. Gary said that the other family members didn't seem to be into anything. He said the one kid was supporting 11 other people.
Jon said you hear a lot about the horror stories than the successes. He said you wonder if it's good parenting. He said it must be. Gary said he heard Macauley Culkin talking about how weird it is to order adults around when you're 12 years old.
Will came in and said he can't imagine being a parent for a child actor. He said it sounds like a nightmare. Gary said the building he was in when the Culkins were there they were next to a school for the arts. He said that they used to call it the School for Performing Brats.
Jon asked if it's always the parents idea for their kids to be actors. Gary said as a parent you have to guide them. He said they'll claim that the kid wanted to be an actor but they have to say no to some things. He said they could have said no to that too.
Benjy asked if there are a lot of things you did as a kid that you drove to do. Jon said he did sports a lot and he's not sure if that's because his dad was into it or if he really wanted to do it.
Gary said someone said once that you're asking a kid to go into a business where 95 percent of the time is no. He said the business is full of rejection. Benjy asked if you should say no. Gary said you have to gauge what it means to the kid's life and manage your kid's expectations.
Will said Neil had a funny story he sort of got into. He said he went to an acting camp and that led to him getting a job in a Whoopi Goldberg movie. He said they sent him there to humble him but that led him into a bit career.
Jon asked JD about acting in school and if he wanted to go that way. JD said he wanted to be a director. He said he got into drama because he wasn't able to get into TV production for a reason he doesn't remember. Richard asked if he filmed any of those. JD said he did but the tape is about to die. Gary said they'll digitize it for him. He told him to bring it in. Richard said they have to see that.
Gary said he has a kid story. He said Lucas was offered to be on a festival in California in August. He said it's a pretty big deal. He said they're going to be on vacation that week. He said he was not willing to skip their vacation to do that. He said they said no to him and Lucas was a little bummed about it. He said this festival would be a really big deal too. Jon asked if he's going to rebel and go out there on his own. Gary said he has talked about doing things like that. He said he's not going to send him out there on his own though.
Jon took a call from a guy who said they're so negative toward child acting. He said his kid acts once in a while and it's not that big of a deal. Gary said he's the exception. He said that he seems fairly well adjusted. He said he's not giving up his job to make the kid their meal ticket. Gary said not everyone is like that.
The caller said his son is 11 and he's been doing this for a while now. Jon asked if it's his idea or the kid's idea. The guy said it's a long story. He said they sent a picture in and it led to some work.
Gary asked if there are parents on set. The caller, Joe, said that there are people who are delusional about what's going to happen. He said 99 percent of the people aren't going to get anywhere. He said he's seen these kids act. Jon wished him luck with that and let him go. They went to break after that.
Jon asked Jessica and Lennon about going through the Upright Citizen's Brigade. Lennon said that she had been doing it for 10 years and she just started telling people about it.
Benjy said he'd like to see a movie about someone who is a child actor and they never make it so the parents keep going even when he's in his 40s.
Jessica and Lennon said that Fred Savage directed them. They said he still looks like Fred Savage. Jon said that UCB has a lot of talent coming out of it. He said there are a lot of stars who went through there. Jon said that it's a pretty big deal.
Lennon said that they were all doing their own shows and that prepared them to go in front of a network to do that. Jessica said that they used to have to pass out fliers in the park to get people to come see them. She said that the place next to the theater they were in was known for the hand jobs they gave out. It's not there anymore so she told the guys to calm down. They said people would walk into the wrong place thinking they were going to get a hand job.
Jon told Jessica and Lennon that Benjy is a professional actor. He said he's going to be in Sharknado 2. Jessica and Lennon asked Benjy about being in Sharknado 2 and what he did in that. They had just worked with Ian Ziering on something and he's in the movie too.
Jon said the other professional they have in there is JD who will be directing a scene for It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Lennon said that he should come and direct their show for season 2. She said they're through to handle though.
Jon asked what JD should do to help the actors. Lennon told him that he should be funny and handsome. She said JD has that already. She said he has to be a regular guy with them too. Benjy asked what she likes about JD. She said it's his wet hair. JD said he just walked to work so give him a break.
Jon said that there are teams that work together and he asked if it's tough to do that. Lennon said that she and Jessica work on different things at times.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he was trying to figure out if he's listening to actors or porn stars. He asked who they are. The girls said it's a thin line. Jessica said that she thinks that his question would be answered if he saw them. She said they're two skinny, awkward looking girls.
Jon said he and Gary were talking during the break and Jessica had worked with Collin Quinn early on. Jessica said that he did a pilot and he was the greatest. She said she loved working with him. She said she was working at CNN at the time. She said she was an assistant over there and she was terrible at it. She said she was working for Willow Bay. Jessica said they begged her to leave. She said she made so many mistakes on a national scale. Gary asked if she ever double booked a guest. Gary said he did that once. He said he booked Jewel and Jenny McCarthy at the same time. He said one got on and the other didn't. He said Jewel got on and Jenny still busts his balls over it all the time. Lennon said that she worked for a bird watching channel.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he and his fiancee were talking about girl names and he likes Lennon a lot. He asked if her parents were big Beatles fans. Lennon said her dad is but her mom just liked the name. She said there aren't a lot of Lennons out in the world so it works for her.
Jon said Lisa G is there. Lisa said she saw the two ladies at the NBC up fronts yesterday. She said there were so many stars on the red carpet. Lisa said they talked to so many people there. Jessica said she and Lennon have new borns and they had to pump their breasts before going on the red carpet. She said that the Kardashians went into a stall and spent about 45 minutes in there. She said that they told them what they were doing and one of them said that they had been there. JD said they were talking about the Kardashians too much now.
Jon asked Lisa what she had. She ran down a couple of stories they have coming up today on Howard 100 News. Jon said they had to end the show after that. They were done around 11:00am.