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Playboy Cyber Club
Howard started the show talking about how busy his weekend was. He said he was at the taping for America's Got Talent for four days. That went from Thursday morning until Sunday at 6pm. He said Robin stopped by. He said he's really immersed in the AGT world right now. He said it's pretty wild. Howard said once he's there it's fine doing the work. He said he doesn't like the peripheral work. He said he has to do a lot of press and that's annoying. He said he did a red carpet and he's on every show he doesn't want to be on. He said the red carpet is very loud and you can't hear. He said they ask the same question over the over. He said that they were asking him about David Letterman's retirement. He said they all ask the same question. He said he wouldn't mind normally but he has to do 50 hours of talking on the show.
Howard said they have a Snapple room on the show and it's like announcing you have to go to death row. He said it's like prison. Howard said it's not a put down of Howie but that's the room where Howie does his comedy. He said he does his jokes and stuff and it's funny but it's not his thing. Howard said he used to try to insert himself in it but it's like a nightmare Groundlings improv. He said Howie is in a Benjy Shtick coma kind of thing. He said he's playing a character and it's really annoying. Howard said you're in there and Howie is going to do something they ask him to do like choke on a piece of cheese or something. He said Howie is going to use him as a prop in the bit. Howard said they tell him to make something happen but he can't because Howie is so busy doing his thing. Howard said they literally push him into the bit. Howard said there are already two people doing something and they push him into it. Howard said that is Howie's room, not the Snapple room.
Howard said Howie was trying to lift a couch with his chin and they told him to get in there with him. Howard said he doesn't know what to do when Howie is doing that. He said he signed up to be a judge. That's it. Howard said they don't ask him to come up with bits. He said he's ready to talk about the acts or about the show but not do that kind of thing.
Howard said Howie has crazy, frantic energy and you can't get in on that. Howard said he's asked to be left out of that stuff but they say he has to be in there. Howard said he would rather be somewhere else or just doing something else. Howard said he's like the dad on Leave it to Beaver and he'd rather be reading the paper. Howard said Howie loves doing that shtick and he's great at it.
Robin asked what the girls are doing when Howie is doing that thing. Howard said Heidi is right there playing along and saying ''Oh my god'' and things like that. Howard said she'll ask what else he can lift with his chin. Howard said they'll do something physical and Howie will lift her up or something. Howard said there's no room for him in that room. He said he'd rather be the killjoy because that's what he is.
Robin asked how much of that they have to shoot. Howard said that's half his day. Howard said he didn't sign up to be in the Groundlings. He said it's like they're asking him to improv. He said you can see him backing out of the frame to get out of it.
Howard said there's a lot go hijinks going on in there. He said they asked him to come in an hour early to do more in the Snapple room and he says no way. Howard said he said there was too much of that going on and not enough judging. Howard said they say they like the chemistry between the judges but Howard thinks that's Howie's Snapple Playroom. He said that's where Howie does his thing. Howard said it's like Howie's Playhouse. He said he'll pick something up and ad-lib with it. Howard said that's fun for Howie but not for him. Howard said he'd rather just watch it.
Howard said he called his agent and asked what to do. He said Don told him to just be a good sport. Then Don came in and saw what happens in there and he said it looked like he was on the Howie show.
Howard said they were in the Snapple room and Howie decided to take selfies. Howard said every time he took it he asked if they wanted to be in it with him. Then he'd block the other person out of the shot. Howard said he saw Howie doing that and then a half hour later he was still doing it. Howard said Howie came up to him asking if he wanted to take one with him. He said he keeps asking until you do it. Howard said it's like a Bar Mitzvah and you have to be a good sport about it. Howard said Howie was taking the selfie and he saw it was just him so he put a smile on his face. He said it was a fake laugh he was putting on. He said he played along with it but then it never ends. He said Howie is running around with the camera and the selfie and he just wanted to walk away from it gracefully so he wasn't insulting anyone. Howard said that was Howie's thing and it was going on for 45 minutes. Howard said he wanted to take a breather from it. He said he wanted to pull himself together and take a leak. Howard said everyone was charged up but not him. He said maybe that room just isn't for him. He said he wishes Robin had been there to see that.
Robin said she noticed that every time they finished a talent they have to set up for the next act. Robin said she saw that Howie, Heidi and Mel B were all chatting but Howard is doing something else. Howard said they came over and asked him to stop scribbling. Howard said they're on their cell phones and taking selfies. He said they're into it and there's a party going on. He said he's not in it and he's fine with that. Howard said what he was actually doing was writing a suicide note. He said he was saying that he's leaving things to Robin. Robin said that her friend said that they saw Howard writing notes and they were wondering what they were about. Howard said he really enjoys doing the show. He said he likes judging. Robin said she can see that he loves it. She said it seems like the judges have gelled too. Howard said he loves doing the show but not the Snapple Room and the red carpet thing.
Howard said they ask him about everything on that red carpet. He said he wishes that Howie would balance him on his chin during those red carpet things. Howard said he's trying to be a good sport but he's not comfortable doing some things.
Robin said it seems to her that the Snapple room is a big deal. Howard said they're supposed to talk about the acts in the room. Howard said they also have this idea to force fun. He said they want fun and that means slapstick. He said that they want pranks and hijinks.
Howard said they sent over a guitar for his dressing room. He said he didn't want that because he only gets an hour in there. Howard said they told Howie he had one in there and that's when the hijinks starts.
Howard had Ralph on the phone and Ralph said he would shoot someone over there. He said he's not sure how Howard does it. Howard said they told Howie about the guitar and then Howie starts badgering him to play. He said he asked them to cut the camera off. He said he doesn't play the guitar. He said he just took a couple of lessons. Howard said it's not fun and it's not funny. He said they asked what songs he plays and he only plays 4.
Ralph said that he hates that word ''Selfie'' because it's very douchy sounding. Howard said he hates that word. He said he doesn't want to be in one. Howard said he gets in the Snapple room and they're carrying on with the selfie. Ralph said Heidi loves doing it because she's beautiful. Howard said he looks like a monster in these pictures. He said he tells Heidi he doesn't like the way he looks. He said she doesn't want to hear that. Howard said he's constantly running away every minute. Howard said they're sucking the spirit out of him over there. Howard said he tells them that it's too early to go to the Snapple lounge but they say they want to shoot more in there. Howard said he leaned over to his agent at one point and asked him to just talk to him to keep him out of the bit.
Ralph said he was fixing Howard's shirt for an hour to get him out of it. Howard said it's just not his thing. Ralph said they give Howie things to do over there. Howard said Howie is doing what they tell him to do. He said he likes Howie and what he does. He said he's doing a full hour of shtick over there. Howard said Howie walked in with a wig at one point. He said he knew that was going to be trouble. Howard said Howie does his thing and leaves him alone. Howard said he looked really attractive in the wig and he said he wanted to kiss him in that thing. He was throwing up as he was saying that but he didn't know what else to do.
Robin asked if there are any writers there. Howard said he doesn't think so but Ralph said he saw them in the hall. He said they do have stuff they work on. Howard said he heard that Howie never uses writers. Ralph said it was just for the general idea of what to do in there. Howard said Howie has props in there so he was wondering about that. Howard said he'll come in jet packs and stuff like that. He said he wonders how it all goes down.
Ralph said the girls never have to do anything in there. He said they can just stand around. Ralph said Heidi wanted to take a selfie and she couldn't understand why Howard didn't want to take one Howard said he told her no but she didn't want to take that as an answer. Howard said he didn't come there for that. Howard said he was told that he would be a judge on a show. He said he doesn't know from this selfie stuff.
Howard said he spent his life staying off of Entertainment Tonight but then he has to do press. He said no offense to them there but he doesn't want to be on that show.
Ralph said they had some great talent there on the show. He said Howard is really good as a judge. He said that some people are good and Howard gives them advice on how to be better. He said one girl was off key and she just needed some practice. Howard said if they just kept him in his room and brought him out to judge he'd be fine. Howard said he could be like King Kong. Howard said he just wants to be the guy who is impossible to deal with. He said he doesn't care about the other stuff they do. Howard said they have to walk down the aisle when they're introduced. Howard said he doesn't care about that. He said he just wants to be wheeled in to judge and then wheeled back out.
Robin said she did notice the thing where Howard was scribbling and the other 3 judges were having fun. Howard said he doesn't know how they do it.
Mariann said she took one with Heidi and she felt she should have put a paper bag on her head. Mariann said she was just caught up in the moment. Mariann said Mel was dropping the F-bomb every minute on the show. Howard let her go after that.
Howard took a call from Jim in Raleigh who asked if he thinks Letterman is the best TV talk show host ever. Howard said he's got to go through that. Howard said he does love Dave. Howard said people were asking him if he would take over for Dave. Howard said he should take a break and talk about that. Howard said he thinks this has to do with Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel. He said that he doesn't think that it has to do with Jay Leno retiring. Howard said he thinks that it's kind of a bummer for Dave that Jimmy Fallon is the guy with the biggest ratings. Howard said he thinks it gets to Dave. He said it has to be debilitating to him.
Howard said he thinks that what's so shocking for him is that Dave has been so important to him and so instrumental in his life. Howard said not to have him there makes him feel really old. Vinnie agreed. He said that's the way he feels too.
Howard said when he was at WNBC everyone hated him. He said they all wanted him out of there and they thought he was bad for the company. Vinnie said they still loved Imus at the time. Howard said it was a crazy time for them. Robin said it was like their Viet Nam. Howard said like Viet Nam he's friends with NBC. Howard said it's crazy.
Howard said he was under siege over there and he got the call from Dave's people saying they wanted him to come on. Howard said Dave was so important to NBC and it gave them an oasis for about 5 minutes. Howard said the bosses were impressed and it helped him be exposed to a national audience. Howard said Dave was always very gracious and had him on a lot. Howard said he thinks that he was on quite a bit and maybe was one of the most frequent guests on the show. Vinnie said no one was doing that at the time. Howard said he really adores Dave and loves him. He said he's really sad to see him go.
Howard said he wouldn't have met his wife without David Letterman. Howard asked Vinnie if he knew that. Vinnie said someone mentioned that and he said they were wrong. Howard said Beth worked for Dave's show and one of her jobs was to be in these sketches on Letterman. Howard said Beth played Allen Caulter's girlfriend in the sketches. Howard said Beth met this girl there and the girl asked if she was single. Beth told her she was and she wanted to meet a guy. Howard said the girl invited Beth to a party and that was the party where he met Beth. Howard said she was on a date that night with a South African guy. Howard said they both knew this guy that the party was for. Howard said that's how he met Beth. He said shortly after he started dating Beth they quickly got rid of her from Letterman. Vinnie said he disagrees with him on that. Howard said he knows they thought he was going to find out top secret stuff from the show or something. Vinnie said that's a story for another day.
Howard asked Vinnie when he found out about this. Vinnie said he found out around 2 o'clock that day. He said he wasn't in the same building as they are in. He said he's over at CBS. Howard asked if Les called him to let him know. Vinnie said he sent Les a note and Les already knew. Vinnie said he found out from the producers of the show who called him. He said they were all surprised. Vinnie said he was stunned. Howard said Vinnie found out when the public found out. Howard said he must be the low man on the totem pole.
Howard said Vinnie's job is safe because he'll be in charge of whoever takes that slot. Vinnie said he will. He said that it's still going to be a year until Dave retires.
Howard said he thinks that Dave has had it with the ratings. He said that he thinks he expected to be number one. Vinnie said they're still doing well. Howard said he understands that. Vinnie said the show is the best talk show on TV. He said Kimmel is great but on Letterman people can talk and have a conversation. He said you won't see that again on TV.
Howard said he's feeling sad about this. He said he's sad to see Letterman go. Howard said there aren't many people he cares about their opinion of him is but Dave is one. Howard said he knows how hard Dave works on his show and he always wanted to contribute. Howard said he has had a lot of fun on that show. Howard said he dressed as a woman on the show and Dave didn't want him to do it. Howard said he wanted to please the guy. He said he got up on the table and danced for Dave. He said Dave slammed him for doing OJ jokes. He said two days later everyone was doing them. He said Dave never held a grudge and always had him on. He said he'll be eternally grateful for that.
Howard said Jay was number one in the late night ratings but he always felt that Jay was copying or trying to be Dave like. Howard said that's something that he always felt in the back of his mind.
Vinnie told Howard that Dave was into Howard's show before he even had his late night show. He said Dave had an office at NBC after his morning show ended. He said he and Dave and many others listened to Howard's show and they were into it. He said that Dave discovered his talents before the late night show.
Howard said he got sucked in when he heard the retirement announcement. Howard said he thought about how he should leave too.
Vinnie asked what he would do if he was in the situation. Howard said he wouldn't let it happen. Howard said he thinks that the whole business has gotten to Dave and he's just done with it. Vinnie said it's been brutal to see the other shows come in. He said he loves those guys but it's their job to come in and beat them. Howard said he thinks that he could handle it from Leno but not from the younger guys. Howard said Dave doesn't want to see it happen. Howard said he'll be sad to see Dave go. Howard said he would think that Dave will go out number one. Howard said with all of the goodbye he's going to be number one. Vinnie said they won the night he made his announcement.
Howard asked Vinnie who he would like to see replace Letterman. Vinnie said that's a loaded question. Robin said it must have been on their minds. Vinnie said Howard's name came up. Howard said he can't take over. He said he has a great deal on radio. He said his plate is pretty full. He said he's doing AGT and the radio show. He said he has no time for a late night show. Howard said he'd have to reinvent the wheel doing a show like that. Howard said there are a lot of guys to take over that slot. Howard said he likes this guy Greg Gutfeld. He said he thinks he'd be a good replacement. Vinnie said no one can do what Dave has done though. Howard said he was thinking about Joel McHale and even Jimmy Kimmel. Howard said he thinks Jimmy should be on ABC and CBS at the same time. Howard said he never talks to Jimmy about being happy at ABC. Howard said maybe they can steal him away.
Howard said Craig Ferguson has a great deal either way. He gets money even if they don't offer him the job. Howard said he's sitting in the cat bird seat. Howard said he would like to see someone different in that slot. He said that they have to have something different. Howard said maybe Oscar Pistorius. Howard said he can walk on those metal legs and he just murdered someone. Vinnie said he'll write that down. Howard said that's contingent on him getting off.
Howard asked Vinnie if he has any names. Vinnie said he really doesn't. Howard threw Fred Norris' name into it. Vinnie said that no one has been like Dave doing what he has done. He said his interviews are beyond what anyone else does. Robin said he hasn't always been like that. Howard said he thinks that the ratings thing has broken his heart. Vinnie said Dave got so many awards and now he's going to see more press than he's ever seen. Vinnie said that the well wishes are coming from so many people on Twitter. He said that the question is if they're going to do Fallon or Dave for the next year. Howard said CBS should hire anyone named Jimmy. He said that's what they should do.
Howard asked if they would steal Jackie's Joke Hunt and put it on there. Howard did an impression of Jackie and Robin said that Jackie didn't think of that until now. Howard said poor Evil Dave won't have anything to do. Howard said they'll have to get an Evil Craig Ferguson or something.
Robin said she thinks Howard should go on the show now and at the end. Howard said he thinks he should just go on toward the end. Vinnie said he thinks that's the way they should do it too. Howard said he would put Tan Mom on. He said that he thinks Dave will have Bill Murray on the last show.
Howard said they have a wonderful show coming up very soon. He said on Monday, April 28th they will do a show later in the day. He said they're going to do a Billy Joel Town Hall hosted by him. He said they're going to have special guests on the show and they're going to have guests singing with Billy and Billy will be on the piano. Howard said they're going to do this in another studio. He said that some guests will be musicians and some wont. Robin said that means Howard will be performing. Howard said that they'll have some fans in the studio too. Howard said that they have contacted some very famous people to sing Billy Joel songs. Vinnie said that sounds great. Howard said you can go to SiriusXM.com/Howard to find out how to enter to get into the event. Howard said that should be a lot of fun.
Howard thanked Vinnie for calling in. Vinnie thanked him for all of the support. Howard asked how Vinnie is going to handle it. Vinnie said he's too emotional to even discuss it. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said Carol Leifer is coming in. He said that she wrote a book. Howard said that she's very quietly running show business. Howard said Dan Rather is also coming in today to talk to him. He said he couldn't be more thrilled about that. Howard said Dan replaced Walter Cronkite. Howard said that guy has been through it all. Robin said he and David Letterman had a famous moment together after 9/11. Howard said they did. He went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he had to run to the bathroom. He said that Carol Leifer is there. He said she has a new book called ''How to Succeed in Business Without Really Crying''. Howard said she lost a lot of weight. He said she's all svelte. Carol said she lost 15 pounds on Weight Watchers. Howard said that's old school. Carol said it really works. Howard said he had a friend who was on it but they didn't give him enough food so he ordered double portions. Carol said you eat whatever you want but you have a point system.
Howard said he ate a bunch of steamed food last night but it was a ton of it. Howard said he's so happy because it's a lot of food. Howard said he has like 2 grapefruits every day. He said he also has a GNC shake. Carol said she has to try that. She said that you can eat any fruit or vegetable you want and it doesn't count toward the points. Howard said you just have to keep your intake under control. He said that's the key.
Howard said Carol is very busy behind the scenes in show businesses. Howard said Carol was one of the writers who worked for Seinfeld. Howard said she wrote a lot of those episodes. Howard asked if she writes a script on spec or how did that work. Carol said they didn't want anyone who worked on Sitcoms before. She said they wanted new people. Howard said she had been a stand up for years. Howard said she also wrote on Saturday Night Live. Howard asked if she was ever on camera there. She said she was just a writer. Carol said she auditioned to be on camera. She said that Al Franken was there and so was Jim Downey. She said they liked her but they offered her the writer gig instead.
Howard asked if that was a disappointment to her when she writes a great Seinfeld or something and then doesn't get to be in it. Carol said it doesn't. Howard said it would kill him. Howard said Carol has written some of the biggest Seinfeld episodes of all time. Howard said she came up with the shrinkage episode. Carol said that she would come up with a general idea and then Larry David would say that was a show and they'd go with that. Howard said he thinks that it's the hardest job on the planet. Howard asked how many other writers there were. She said there were about 10. Carol said that she had an office to work in. She said that was the most fun part of it. She said that you're hanging out with funny writers all day. Howard asked if they help her write the episode. Carol said she came up with the lip reader episode. Howard asked how that whole process works. Carol said she came up with the idea for the episode where the shrinkage thing happens but Larry came up with that part of it. She said the brilliance that ends up on TV is filtered out by Larry and Jerry. She said she talks about this stuff in her book. She said they always made her stuff better.
Howard asked if she ever asked why they took something out. Carol said she did not. She said that they knew what they were doing and you don't want to ask that. Howard asked if she still watches those shows and thinks about how she came up with the ideas. She said she absolutely does. Howard asked if she ever wants to tell people she came up with the ideas. She said that the credit is there in the credits of the show.
Howard asked if it's a big payday for her. Carol said that she gets residuals. She said that Jerry and Larry have the fuck you money but she has some residuals. Howard said she has the money where she still has to go out and write a book to make money.
Howard said he has some of the episodes she wrote for Seinfeld. Howard said she wrote the lip reader episode. Carol also came up with the part where Elaine played deaf in the taxi. She said that came out of her own real life.
Howard read about some of the other episodes she wrote and she wrote one about Elaine going to a nail salon and thinking that the people there speaking Korean were talking about her. That happened to Carol and she used it in the script. Howard asked how you give that over to the Seinfeld show and not keep it for yourself. Carol said that situation was a very good sitcom idea and not really a stand up idea. She said that this all works together with Jerry and Larry's ideas too.
Howard asked how long it takes to do something like that. Carol said it can take a couple of weeks. Howard said he thinks that idea was brilliant for a show. Carol said she still gets free manicures from the shop they used a shot of the exterior of. She said that's how thrilled the woman was.
Carol said that they had a part for someone on the show and they wanted to get Liza Minelli to do it. She said they were on the cusp of being a big hit but they had a hard time getting people on the show. Carol said that they had Marjorie Gross writing for the show and she wrote some great episodes.
Howard talked to Carol about another episode where they had a skinny mirror in the episode. Howard said he has a mirror at home where he looks like a monster. He said when he's at the gym he looks great. He said he sent a lighting guy to the gym to figure out how good he looks. Howard said he looks good in that gym mirror and the guy told him it's very dark there. Carol said that's a Seinfeld episode. Howard said she already wrote it though.
Howard took a call from Ralph who asked if she had to write all of the story lines that go on in an episode. She said that Jerry and Larry would add so much stuff into the episodes. She said that's how it became the pyramid of comedy that it was.
Howard said he talked to Jerry about doing another sitcom and Jerry asked why he would do that and try to top that thing.
Carol said they shot the Marble Rye episode and that's the one where Kramer gave the horse some ''Beefarino'' and this prop guy gave her the can of that stuff. She said the movers took the can and threw it out thinking it was an empty can. She said she really fucked up. Carol said another story line in that episode was Elaine having so much oral with a saxophone player that he loses his lip. Howard asked if she's ever had that happen to her. Carol said she has not. She said that she thought about her friend who plays Sax and how that could happen to him.
Howard asked if she's ever been embarrassed to pitch something. Carol said the greats that you work for encourage an environment to just offer it up. Howard asked if she's ever been ridiculed for something. Howard said he wants the guys to go wild in the writing meetings. Howard said that they can always fix something. Howard said that they will throw something out and they'll goof on them. He said that you can't do that though. He said you have to be safe. Carol said everyone has shit ideas. She said that it's okay.
Carol said that Larry had a tick where he's move his shoulder around and say ''no'' to you. She said that when he liked something he'd leap out of his seat and say ''That's a show!''
Carol said it's great to write something and give it to the actors who elevate it 1000 percent. She said that the lip reader thing was great because Michael Richards made that ball boy thing great. Howard said he loved him on that show Fridays. Carol said he was always working on his stuff and choreographing what he did. She said he wasn't just winging it. She said he put a lot of thought and effort into it. Howard said it's pretty cool that she was part of that whole thing.
Howard asked if her phone was ringing off the hook after that. Carol said it was. She said she went to Larry Sanders after that. Howard asked how many episodes she wrote there. She said that she probably had one or two in that one season she was there. Howard said he loved that show. Howard asked if that was a totally different experience. Carol said it was. She said it was amazing working with Gary Shandling and the writers there. She said that working with a group is way better than just doing it on your own.
Carol said she's been doing this stuff for 37 years. She said she started stand up in 1977. Howard said she auditioned for Johnny Carson 22 times and he never put her on. Carol said that's right. Howard asked how she auditioned. Carol said they had a guy come out to see her do her act at a club. She said it was Jim McCauley who came out. Carol said that Letterman actually suggested her for the Tonight Show. She said that they passed on her first tape. She said they just weren't interested. Howard asked if that's devastating to her. Carol said Letterman got his show and she went on his show. She said that he gave her an open door policy. She said that she did stand up 26 times on that NBC show. Howard asked when he stopped using her. Carol said she got into her writing career. She said she was writing for Seinfeld and then he went to CBS. Carol said she was on with Dave for her last book. Howard said it's weird when you get cut out. Carol said she wasn't doing stand up so it was fine. She said she got a blurb for her book from that.
Howard asked if the blurbs on the book help. Carol said it really does. Howard said he hates writing those things and he doesn't want to be on them. Carol said she knows that and what he went through with Greg Fitzsimmons. Carol said that she asked Steve Martin, Jimmy Kimmel and JJ Abrams to write blurbs for her book. She said they all did it. Howard asked how she asks them to do it. Carol said she says she'd love it but she would understand if they didn't want to. Carol said no one said no to her. Howard said he would have. He said that could have been a good story for her book.
Howard asked how she got Letterman to write the blurb. Carol said she had to send an email to one of her friends there. She said that he passed it along to Dave and Dave passed it along and so on. She also said that she got blurbs from Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock. She said she had to cut Jerry's down. She said that she got one from Mark Cuban too.
Howard asked if Carol thinks she should be rich from writing so many shows. She said she likes working so that's okay. She said she should be rich though. Howard said Carol is buddies with Jay Leno. Carol said that Jay is a very nice guy. She said he believes in the rule of 10. Howard asked what that rule is. Carol said Jay is very nice to other people. She said Jay thinks that if you take a picture with him then that person will go and tell 10 people that he was nice to them. Howard said Jay just isn't nice to other celebrities. Carol said that's Howard's point of view.
Howard asked Carol about writing for the Academy Awards. She said she has written for Billy Crystal, David Letterman and Alec Baldwin. She said she wrote for Chris Rock and Ellen one time. Howard said last time she was on she was talking about being the creator of Ellen's sitcom. Howard said he thought that she was close to Ellen but he heard that she won't return her calls. Carol said she saw Ellen at the Kimmel party for Howard. Carol said she doesn't think people know how crazy booking a show is. She said The View asked her to come on and she would love to do that. She said the Andy Cohen show got in touch with her too. She said the other shows she would like to do say that you can't do The View and do other shows. She said they block you if you do certain shows. She said she did Watch What Happens Live and now she can't do Kimmel. She said that's so not a conflict. Howard asked what's going on with that. Carol said that's what they told her publicist. She said she has no idea why that is.
Howard asked Carol why she thinks Saturday Night Live wasn't a better experience for her. Carol said that it was the year that Lorne Michaels came back. She said they had a very eclectic cast that year and it was weird. She said that she was hired by Al Franken and Jim Downey. She said while she was working there she was always pleasing them. She said she never felt that Lorne took to her. She said she would do things differently now. She said she pulled back and flew under his radar instead. She said that she wouldn't do that now. She said you can't please the number 2s, you please your boss. Howard said that sometimes the loudest noise gets the most notice. Howard said Carol talks about Sal in her book and how he ended up getting hired there. Carol said that if someone told her years ago that Sal the Stockbroker was going to wind up one of the writers there you'd be floored. She said you have to be relentless though.
Howard asked if there is a photo of Sal's foreskin in there. Carol said there is not. She said she wasn't able to make that happen.
Howard said carol's book ''How to Succeed in Business Without Really Crying'' is coming out tomorrow and she'll be signing copies at the Barnes and Noble on 78th and Lexington.
Carol said she's also writing for the show ''Devious Maids'' which is premiering on April 20th on Lifetime. Carol said that's a fun show.
Carol said that she's also got a big announcement to make. Carol said that she and Lori have been together for 17 years. She said she loves her dearly. She said that she hates calling her ''partner'' so now she can say that she is her fiancee. Howard asked if they're going to have a fabulous wedding. Carol said she would like a big wedding at the Bel Air hotel but Lori may not. Howard asked if she will invite Ellen. Carol said she's not sure about that. She said that's possible. Carol said they wanted to the wedding when their son is old enough to remember. He's 8 now. Carol asked if they should get married on the Stern show. Howard told her to have a real one and not ruin it. Howard congratulated her on that. Howard said Carol and Lori are a great couple. Howard wished her a lot of luck. Howard gave her some more plugs. Howard said she's always great on the Celebrity Superfan roundtable. Carol said that there should be one next month according to Gary. Gary said they want to do one around the Memorial Day weekend.
Carol said she's completely dedicated to the pussy now. Howard said she did date Jerry Seinfeld and Paul Reiser though. She said she knows King of All Blacks won't be happy about that. Howard said that he wishes her luck with her book. He gave her another plug and said they have Dan Rather coming in. Robin said that Dan has been on the show before. Gary said he doesn't remember that. He said he may have been on the phone.
Carol said she's also there representing the Stern Facebook Superfans. Howard said she should be ashamed of herself for that. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Dan Rather was the anchorman for CBS for like 100 years. Howard said he has seen it all. Howard said this is the guy he watched on the news for so many years. Dan said it's weird to be there in person. He said Howard has some set up there.
Howard said he can't believe it. Howard said that it's very weird seeing a guy you grew up watching on TV. Howard asked what it's like when he meets young people who have no idea. Dan said it doesn't bother him. He said they don't know, don't care nor should they. Howard said he started doing AGT and he likes that the younger generation knows who he is. He said he's being exposed to a new audience. Howard said that Dan is still a performer. He asked if he checked the ratings all the time. Dan said the boss always did. He said they checked the ratings and the demographics. He said he didn't have to ask about it either. He said they told him about it. Dan said in the day they got the ratings on Tuesday and whoever was the head of the news division was talking about where they were. Dan said it was part of the reality for any anchor person.
Howard said when he worked at the radio stations they were constantly checking. Howard said that he had the feeling that they were looking at him like he was disappointing them. Dan said he knows that look. He said he was at CBS News and it was like being in the locker room of the NY Yankees. He said that one period they won for 220 weeks in a row. He said they fell off by 1/10th of a point and he knows that look Howard was talking about. Howard said it's just one little glitch and you feel you have to explain it to everyone.
Howard asked Dan if the ratings thing affects the way he's doing the news. Howard said you have to go with the ratings and it must affect the news. Dan said he hates to say it but it does. He said at the time of the OJ Simpson trial they were leading off with that story every night. He said they had to do it or they'd get killed in the ratings. He said that they had to cover the Jerry Condit case and things like that. Dan said if you don't lead with that every night you're going to get killed. He said they'd come in with the ratings every Tuesday and point that out.
Howard said he thinks it goes all the way back to Watergate. Howard said he feels like the network news guys can't get into a thing like that. Howard said they can't get access if they piss off the office. Howard said that you can't be a leader on a story now. Dan said he thinks he's right. He said that CBS news dug into that story at the time but today he doesn't think that would happen. Dan said it's not that the people there don't care but the news companies are owned by 4 big corporations and they're afraid of the office. Dan said that they're using big government for their benefit. He said that things have changed dramatically in the past 5-10 years.
Howard asked Dan how much he hated being all about the makeup and hair instead of the news. Howard said 90 percent of being a news man is being on camera and worrying about that. Dan said he didn't care so much about that. He said that he came in after Walter Cronkite and just succeeded him. He said he did not replace Walter. Dan said he thinks if he had more voice coaching he could have done better. Dan said that in the end the audience has to think you're authentic. Howard said he thinks that the audience did think he was authentic. Hard said Dan walked off the news one day when tennis was running long. Howard asked if he felt he should have calmed down. Dan said he does think that now. He said he did care about the news and he still cares. Dan said if he had to he'd go door to door telling people the news. Dan said looking back on it he should have swallowed hard and just gulped and smiled and took it. Howard said he knows that feeling. He said he has gotten angry but he cared. He said he cared about everything.
Howard said Dan took over for Walter Cronkite and he thinks that had to be hard. Howard said that he had a lot of credibility and there must not be a lot of people who wanted to do that. Howard said he must have worried that he'd want to kill himself if the ratings went down. Dan said a lot of people warned him not to take it. He said that he was told it wasn't the first guy to take over that would succeed. It was always the second guy. Dan said that it was really tough. Howard said it's insane pressure to take over a number 1 guy's spot.
Howard asked if Walter Cronkite was a mean guy. Dan said you'll never hear him say anything bad about Walter. He said Walter did regret retiring when he did. He said that he didn't like how the money went up when he came in. Howard said it would have made Dan's life easier if Walter hadn't gotten upset with him. He said that it would have been a loving thing to tell him to call whenever he needed something.
Dan said that when you're the face of the network you have your ego fueled every day. He said Walter did bless his taking over for him. He said that he didn't think they'd be as successful as they were. He said that his ratings stayed up and he doesn't think Walter expected that. Dan said that he thinks Walter got upset as he saw how things were going and then regretted leaving when he did.
Howard said the other thing was when Cronkite retired his voice was shot. He said he had to clear his throat all the time toward the end. He said it was over for him. He said he doesn't like the way he treated Dan. Howard said Dan had earned his place there. Howard said Walter could have been a better mentor. Dan said he can't argue with that. He said he has no complaints though. He said Walter told him he wanted to leave and he wanted to leave on top. Dan said Walter said he couldn't wait to go. He said after 6 weeks or so of sailing he wondered what he had done to himself. Howard said you don't know what retirement is like until it happens. Howard said it's pretty crazy stuff.
Howard said Dan has put himself in a lot of dangerous places. Howard said he went to Viet Nam and he wonders what his wife thought of that. Howard said he had two young children at the time. Dan said that his wife did ask him to think about it. Dan said when Jean married him she was in totally. Howard asked how old he was when he married. Dan said he was 25 and Jean was 22. Dan said he fell in love instantly. He said you look at her and you see that pick up trucks don't just look at her, they back up to look at her.
Howard asked Dan if women were throwing themselves at him. He said the temptations must have been many. Dan said that is true. He said that he isn't going to talk about that in depth this morning. Howard said he is a family man. He said he's asking how you stay focused on a marriage when you're in that position. Dan said at that level the temptations are everywhere. He said you keep yourself centered. He said you think about your wife staying with you when you were in Viet Nam. Dan said he had two kids too. He said the temptations are great and they shouldn't be. He said you begin to think that you're great and you're invincible and invisible. He said the higher you go the greater you are.
Dan said that he went to Afghanistan and his wife and daughter asked him not to go. He said that he told them there is no guarantee in life about coming back or not. Dan said that he felt he had to go and he thought he could get in and get out. Dan said he needed and wanted to do that.
Howard asked Dan if something had to give in his life and if he was the best father he could be. Dan said no. He said that he has no regrets in life but he could have been a better father. He said that his wife might disagree though. He said he was home only 31 days a year when he was covering the civil rights movement. Howard said that's what a guy has to do sometimes. Dan said that was his experience.
Howard asked Dan what the most dangerous moments were in his career. Howard said he remembers Dan being at a Democratic National Convention during the Viet Nam time and he was on the floor and he ended up in a fist fight with a security guard. Howard said that he kept going with the reporting too. Dan said that was in 1968 and it was a crazy time and place. He said that they wanted control of the convention inside and outside. He said they had a tough time with that. Dan said they told delegates to move only when they were told to move. Dan said a delegate was being moved out the hall by people in civilian clothes. Dan said he saw that guy moving and he attempted to ask a question. He said security tried to push him aside. He said he got hit in the solar plexus and he was almost knocked out. He said that's what was going on at that time. Howard asked if he knew great TV was going on. Dan said that never entered his head. Dan said if you're any good as a reporter nothing matters other than the story. He said you're not thinking about TV. He said you only think about the story. Howard asked if he was getting calls and being told he just made great TV. Dan said they were stunned at what had just happened. Dan said it took a while for his head to clear over that and realize what went on.
Howard said he wanted to ask Dan about this Klan guy sticking a gun to his head and threatening him not to cover a story. Howard asked what the guy said to him when he put the gun to his head. Dan said the quote was ''I'm gonna fucking kill you.'' Howard said he must have been scared. Dan said he was. Howard asked if it was more dangerous working in this country or over seas. Dan said it was as dangerous here. Dan said there is no denying it that it was dangerous. He said he thought that guy might shoot him. Howard asked if it went through his head that he could die. Dan said that your life does flash before your eyes.
Howard asked Dan if he thinks that news guys these days are just trained actors. Dan said that it can be like that. Dan said he loves doing what he does. He said he thinks that the audience recognizes it if you are really into the news. He said the people who hire anchor people don't believe that. Howard said he thinks that Dan is the last of a dying breed. Robin said they get their news from services instead of getting the news on their own these days.
Howard said Dan covered Martin Luther King Jr. and got to sit with him. Howard said now they have a black president. Howard asked if he thinks Martin would have believed that. Dan said he doesn't think that King thought it would happen in his lifetime or in his kid's lifetime. Dan said he remembers a conversation with King where he said he didn't think a black governor would ever be elected in Georgia. Dan said he doesn't think he ever would have imagined this.
Howard asked if King thought that he was in danger. Dan said he does thinks he knew and he walked on the edge all the time.
Howard asked Dan if he ever saw King speak. Dan said he did. Howard said he wasn't all that radical. Robin said he was at one time but he mellowed out as he got to know things.
Howard said Dan was covering President Kennedy when he was shot and Dan went on the air and said he was dead before anyone else did. Dan said they had a lot of people saying he was dead and he had no doubt in his mind that he was dead. Dan said when he was on CBS he said he was dead and he didn't mean for them to play the Star Spangled Banner and say he was dead. Dan said that was a career changer for him. He said that's when the country got to know him. Howard said that's some break. He said he was there on the scene and he had paid his dues. Howard said he was in the right place at the right time. Robin said he was just doing his job and following a trajectory.
Howard said Dan believes in the one bullet theory. Dan said he does. He said he thinks it was one gun, one shooter. He said that he thinks that Lee Harvey Oswald could have been put up to it. Dan said there is no conclusive evidence showing that it was anyone else. He said he would be surprised if someone came forward with evidence.
Howard said there was a Kennedy assassination anniversary and they had no mention of Dan Rather on CBS. Howard said he had a falling out with them and that must feel weird. Dan said that CBS news is an institution there. He said changing history is a different thing. He said that's what they're doing there. He said that they're a news organization and that's not a good thing. He said he had 34 good years there. Howard asked if there is an edict there saying keep Dan's name off the air. Dan said he thinks there is something like that going on there. He said that he can't say he's not disappointed. Dan said that he still has the CBS Eye tattooed on his ass. He said he loves the tradition of all of that. He said he's not happy that they airbrush him out of things. He said they'll eventually come around. Howard said it doesn't look good because you might think that if they're willing to do this to Dan they might do it for the government or something. Howard said they have to mention Dan or they'll be discredited.
Howard said that Dan's father died when he was just 52 years old. Howard asked if he's upset that he didn't get to see his great success. Dan said yes. He said that he lost his father when he was about 30. He said he thinks that he would have made less mistakes if his father was around. He said when he was hired at CBS News his dad was very happy. He said he was making more than his father ever made in his life so he was very happy for him. Dan said he has made a lot of mistakes and he would have made fewer if his father was around. Howard asked what kind of mistakes he's made. Dan said the biggest mistake was not leaving the anchor chair earlier than he did at CBS. He said he loved doing it but he should have left earlier. Dan said he thinks his father may have told him to stay in Viet Nam less time than he was there.
Howard asked if that was the worst time of his life. Dan said it was horrible there. He said it was real mud and real blood. Dan said it was a scary place. Howard asked if seeing a kid get his head blown off ever leaves you. Dan said no. He said it's must worst to fight the war than just see it. Dan said it's like having a video tape in your head and it plays over and over again. He said when he came out of Viet Nam he had those in his head for years. He said that the guys over there fighting are coming home and having those same type of things going on. He said it's very had to get them out of your head. Howard said he must have been wondering what the hell they were doing over there. Howard said he had to be driven insane. Dan said the thing that really hurt was that they were walking the ground and seeing what was happening. He said that what Washington was saying was so wrong. He said that in public they were saying they had to fight this war. He said to see what the reality was and what was being said to convince people to stay behind it would make anyone mad.
Howard asked Dan where he grew up. Dan said it was in Texas. Howard asked if he was in a mud hole. Dan said he was in a transition neighborhood. Howard said he almost died when he was young. Dan said he had Rheumatic Fever. He said that it could have killed him. He said he had a very bad heart ailment because of that. Dan said he joined the marines and he got kicked out because of that. Howard asked how they found out he had it. Dan said it came back on him while he was in boot camp. Dan said he lied to get in and didn't lie to the doctor. Howard said maybe that saved his life. Dan said it may have. He said he was bedridden for months on end and he heard some great radio broadcasts while he was in bed. He said Edward R. Murrow was a great announcer and he thinks that he was part of the reason for him getting into the business.
Dan said he thinks one of the reasons he got the job to replace Walter was because he was a good ad-libber. Howard asked if he ever got his ass beat. Dan said when he was growing up that was a regular thing in his neighborhood. Howard said he is so filled with fear he can't do anything. He said that he figured that Dan would be the same way. Dan said no man is fearless. Howard said he's scared to just go to New Jersey. Dan said that you have the fear but you take a deep breath and just do it. He said you have to do your job and you go to Viet Nam if you think you have to go. Dan said that's why he went. He said he was scared but he had to report on this story.
Howard asked Dan if he did anything like write a will for his family or record something for them. Dan said he didn't think of that back then. He said making personal videos wasn't a regular thing back then.
Howard said Dan is doing some interviews on AXS TV. Howard said he is also doing Dan Rather Presents on AXS TV in May. Howard asked if he misses the big networks when he's doing a show on AXS. Dan said he does miss that big action. He said no story is worth a damn unless you can get it out. Dan said he wishes he was still doing the network stuff but Mark Cuban has been great to him. He said Mark said he'd give him complete control over the show and no one gets that. Howard said he was talking to Anderson Cooper about that. He said he wants to shed light on things since no one is doing that anymore. Dan said he thinks Anderson is a throwback. He said he likes to go where the action is. He said he's the real deal. Howard said he bets there aren't many like that. Dan said Scott Pelly is one he admires tremendously. Howard asked if he understands the way things work these days. Dan said he does. He said he's 82 years old but he tries to stay relevant. He said he knows things are going to change. He said what bothers him is when they stick 4 people in a room to yell at each other about Afghanistan instead of sending someone over there. Dan said it's less expensive and it doesn't get controversial.
Howard asked if he's glad he came up when he did. Dan said he does. Robin asked what he thinks of the impact of the 24 hour news cycle. Dan said that has contributed to the corporateization of the news. Howard said it's a whole different era. Dan said that it really is. Dan said that the decision makers don't have time to do anything. Howard said there is way too much coverage of the Malaysian airlines thing. He said they have no news on it but they're making stuff up and spending 24 hours a day on it.
Howard asked Dan if he started reading when he was in bed with that Rheumatic Fever. Dan said when he was bed ridden for the better part of 3 years he did a few things. He said he was acutely aware of the fragility of life. He said that you have to just go for it and think about where that north star of your life is. He said you go for that goal. Dan said that the radio was his companion and they broadened him about the world. He said that those reporters were really smart and they were well read. He said they used the right grammar and all of that. Dan said that proper grammar was not that common in his neighborhood. Howard said a lot of kids at that age don't know that. Dan said he was so joyous when he was finally able to get out of bed. He said his father made a decision and sent him to work in the oil business. He said he cut brush for an oil crew. Dan said that made him. He said that they were cutting brush from 5am until after sunset. Dan said his father told him to take that risk. Howard said that's a great thing. Dan said he was 14 at the time. He said that's not everyone's idea of a job for a 14 year old but it worked for him. Dan said it was a critical thing for him. Robin asked where he lived. Dan said they lived in hotels in different areas.
Howard said Dan is 82 now and asked if he still feels young inside. Dan said he has to pinch himself. He said he loves what he does and this is his life. He said he doesn't feel old. Howard asked if he has any hobbies. Dan said he likes to fish and walk the woods. He said he does fly fishing. Howard asked if he goes by himself. Dan said that he loves to go by himself but at his age it's not the best thing to go alone. He said he has to go with his son or grandsons. He said that's a great way to bond too.
Howard asked if he eats the fish. Dan said most of it is catch and release. He said he does eat them at times. Howard said he used to fish but then he felt bad for the fish. Howard said he went fishing with Jimmy Kimmel. Howard said he's too soft to fish even. Dan told him to try salt water fishing. Howard said he'll end up getting pulled in and eaten by something.
Howard said he's 60 and he has a hard time peeing. Dan said it just gets wrote. Howard asked where he is with peeing now. Howard said he has to put tissues in his pants now. Dan said that getting up 3 or 4 times a night is in his future. Howard said he is almost there. He said he wants to know what's going to happen. Dan said the alternative is worse. Howard asked if he feels that he's going to meet a personal god. Dan said he does. Dan said he wants to keep smiling, keep fighting and keep going. Dan said he knows he's going to be dead for a long time. Howard said you can bet Walter Cronkite is up there bad mouthing him.
Howard asked Dan who his favorite Kardashian is. Dan said he doesn't know any of them. Howard said he's very happy to hear that. Howard asked if he was a music fan. Dan said he grew up on country music. He said he has never played an instrument and he can't sing. He said that he has learned to like classical music. He said most of what he likes is Hank Williams. He said his mom tried to get him to play the bassoon but he couldn't play that. He said his mother gave up on that.
Howard asked if Dan tweets. Dan said he does that and does Facebook too. Howard asked who this David Simon is. Dan said he's the one who wrote The Wire. Howard said Dan is doing the interview with David this week on AXS. Howard said he's interviewing Dolly Parton soon too. Dan said he should have her in there. Howard said he would love that but they upset her with some tape they edited using her audio book.
Dan said they did a shoot with Dolly Parton once. He said their audio engineer couldn't take his eyes off her. He said Dolly told the kid to come to her trailer and she'd show them to him to get him to concentrate. Howard said she has held up pretty well. Dan said she's not as pretty as Robin but she's held up. Howard said no one is as pretty as Robin. Howard gave Dan some more plugs and wrapped up with Dan. Dan is also going to be scuba diving looking for the Malaysian plane. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said he used to sit and eat dinner with his mom and they'd watch the news seeing these guys getting their heads blown off.
The caller asked if Howard thinks Sour Shoes could do a late night show. Howard said he would watch. He said his parents would be thrilled too. Robin said maybe it could be the Hanzi and Sour Shoes hour. Howard said he thinks the guy who will replace Letterman will be Michael Strahan. Howard said he's already on Kelly and Michael and Good Morning America so why not another show? Howard said he's the man for the job.
Robin said they're acting as if it can only be a man. Howard said they should dig up Johnny Carson and have a corpse on the show. Howard said that's what Craig Ferguson seems to have on his show but they call that skeleton ''Geoff'' instead.
Robin said the list she has to replace Letterman includes Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart... Howard said they say that Colbert is playing a character so he couldn't do it. Howard said Jon Stewart is making like 25 million doing that half hour show and he has absolute freedom to do it. Robin said she heard a story about someone who drove Jon Stewart and he asked to get out of the car before he got to work. Robin said it was right where this huge billboard of him was at. Howard said Jon doesn't do their show anymore so he can't ask him about that.
Howard played a clip where some news reporter was talking about who people were voting about who should replace Letterman. Howard had some write in votes. Howard said his name always comes up but there's no reaction from these people. He said as soon as an anchorman hears his name they don't know what to do. Howard said they seem to be bubble heads. Howard said they think that because they're on TV they should be able to do the same thing he does by talking on radio
Howard played another clip of a news guy saying that someone wrote on their Facebook page that Howard Stern should get the job. The news guy said that's crazy but you never know what could happen.
Howard said he has a clip from Mediaite.com. In that clip the guy was talking about possible replacements for Dave and he suggested they hire Howard Stern. The woman with the guy sounded shocked. Howard said her head literally blew up and they had to have a guy come in and clean up the mess. Robin said you have to love it after all this time. Robin said it used to be old people being shocked. Now it's younger people. Howard played more of the clip and this guy was really pushing for Howard. He was talking about how great he is an interviewer. He said he's the best in the business now.
Howard said there has been a lot of discussion. He played a clip from Fox News' ''Red Eye'' show where a woman on that show threw Howard's name out for replacing Dave. Howard said he's a fan of that show. He said they had an intelligent discussion about that.
Robin said someone threw John Oliver's name out there. Robin said that he did a great job guest hosting the Daily Show. Robin said he has a talk show coming out on HBO soon though. Robin said Ellen Degeneres' name has come up too. Howard said she won't want to bother. Robin said Neil Patrick Harris is another one. Robin said that's not a name off the beaten path. Howard said maybe Jodi Arias. Robin said she thinks she's a little busy. Robin said Chelsea Handler and Jay Leno have been mentioned too. Robin said Conan and Louis C.K. are a couple of other names thrown in there.
Howard asked if Robin watched Game of Thrones last night. Robin said she did but there is so much going on that she has to watch it again. Robin said they say HBO Go went down last night because so many people were watching through there.
Howard said he hates when the show is on because all of the nerds on the show look more fatigued than usual. Howard did a live commercial read and took another break after that.
Howard said Spike Lee was there too. He said he loved his movie Malcolm X but not some of his other movies. He said Spike got up and coached the team from the sidelines. Howard said that's really ballsy to do too. Howard said he didn't know he was so ballsy. Robin said he takes that number 1 fan thing a little far. Howard said he may want to be his assistant coach. He said that he wants to do that with him. Howard said Alec Baldwin was there too. He said Nick Cannon was there shooting something for AGT. They said that he was getting booed off the court. Howard said he didn't even know Nick was there. He said the papers reported he was there getting booed. Howard said maybe the fans didn't like what he was doing.
Howard played the clip where Howie Mandel comes in and interrupts the Glenn Frey interview with a Baba Booey. Howard said he was very polite about it. He apologized after interrupting. Howard said that was really funny. He said that's up on their web site now.
Howard said he would never do anything like that. He said he was hiding when Howie did it. He said once he realized it went over okay he came out of hiding.
Howard had Fred pay Robin in with a song parody. Robin started her news with a story about James Franco who took a picture with a girl after doing his play. He ended up flirting with the girl and she posted his flirts online. Robin said the girl was only 17 years old. Robin said Franco was asking if he should get a room in her hotel. Robin said he has had to issue an apology now. Robin said she has audio of his apology. Howard played the clip and Franco was talking about how embarrassed he was by the whole thing. He said social media is a way to meet people and you never know who's on the other end. James said he used bad judgment and he learned a lesson. He was talking about how this stuff gets published for the world and it's doubly embarrassing. Kelly Ripa said that she thinks what he did by coming out was great. She said she won't publish their messages. Howard said he was watching that show and he didn't know what he had actually done. They never explained it.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who asked if he did take the late night show would he try to beat Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel. Howard said that's what the job is. Howard said he wouldn't like to be in that position though. King asked if he would still go on vacation with Kimmel. Howard said he would hope so. He said his friendship means a lot to him. He said that he has a job though so he's n to looking to take over that one. Howard said he would rather be there on satellite doing what he's doing than being on a network where he can't be himself. Howard said he wishes Jimmy would come over there and do a show so he can be himself on the air. Howard said Jimmy has to be network friendly. Howard said he'd get rid of Jackie's Joke Hunt to put Jimmy on. Howard said he'd actually keep Jackie around.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Letterman repeats his jokes from one night to the next so it's time for him to go. He said he does bits with the audience and the don't let the TV audience in on the joke. He said he's not sure if Dave is to blame or the writers are. Howard said it sounds like Rich has had it with Dave. Howard said he thinks Dave is an innovator and he's just had enough. Howard said Dave has done it forever and it's time to go. Howard said he thinks he's just worn out.
Robin read a story about a family who had a 1 year old who was gravely ill on their sailing boat. They had to be rescued because all of the electronics on the boat went down. Robin said they weren't able to save themselves or the child. Robin said this rescue has been going on for days. Robin said they were planning on sailing around the world with their 1 year old and 3 year old. Howard said everyone is up in arms over that. Robin said they say that they've been living like this for 7 years. Howard said you don't do that to kids though. Robin said they should be on land. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Oscar Pistorius taking the witness stand. Howard said he must be really desperate. Robin had some audio of Oscar on the stand crying and talking about that night. Robin said this is disingenuous to her because he has a new girlfriend already. Howard said he should just be a man and go to jail. Robin said he claims he has trouble sleeping.
Howard mentioned that they have an auction going on at CharityBuzz.com where you can get the chance to sit in the studio. Howard said unfortunately you'll have to be in the studio with Benjy. He said that he is the star of Sharknado 2 though. Benjy said that should be out on July 3rd on SyFy. Robin said you have to love Benjy. Howard said you really do.
Robin read about how Jeb Bush hasn't decided if he'll run for President in 2016. Robin had some audio of Jeb talking about that.
Howard read some email they got about Howie Mandel on the show last week. Howard had some positive words about that. Howard said someone wrote in about how Al Roker and Matt Lauer are shooting scenes for Sharknado 2. Howard asked if Benjy knew that. Benjy said they are now Sharknado brothers. Howard said someone asked what happened to John Mayer coming in. Gary said they're still working on that. He said John is working on finishing an album.
Robin read about the shootings at Fort Hood and about a memorial service that will be held for the three men that were killed. Robin had some audio of an official talking about how there are a lot of soldiers who need mental health treatments. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Howard read an email about what they were talking about with Billy Graham's son last week. Howard said the writer had some good points about what Graham's son was saying about homosexuals. Howard said some people like the inappropriate Jackie laughs that they've been playing. Howard said that's always fun to hear.
Howard said he's still trying to recover from his long weekend. Robin said Howard is a great judge. Robin said he tells the people what they need to hear. Robin said he told one person that they had a great major in college but no talent. Howard said Robin is the judge of all of the judges.
Howard said he got to Madison Square Garden the first day and he goes to his dressing room to relax. The first thing he hears is really loud music. He said they stuck him in a room next to Mel B. He said he likes her but she has a full disco going on in there. Howard said she has her kids and the nanny in there with her hair and makeup people. Howard said it's kind of a fuck you to everyone else there. Howard said he called someone in and said they had a choice. He said he said they get her the fuck away from him or he's leaving now. Fred played some loud dance music and Howard said this is what it sounded like. Howard said Mel didn't bother asking if anyone minded. Howard said it's like these guys who drive around with their music playing loud in their car. Howard said all hell broke loose and they said they found a room for him. Howard said he told them he's not moving.
Howard said they found a room on the other side of the building. He said he went to his new room after the first taping and he heard a strange noise in there. He said it sounded like tables and chairs being moved above him. Howard said he figured he was under the stage. He said he couldn't complain again. He said he wanted to be the easy guy. Howard said he figured out that he was below the subway. Howard said they had him under the subway. Howard said he chose the subway over Mel B. Howard said she was exhausted and he said to her that she should relax during her break. Howard said she thinks she has to get pumped up by the music and not sleep. Robin said she had to stand up and start prancing while they were shooting.
Howard said the next shoot is going to be in Los Angeles and they'll probably stick him under the runway of the airport.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that he thought Howard was exaggerating about the music but then he heard it. He said it sounded awful. He said it was all tinny and awful sounding. Howard said she must not think about anyone around her. Howard said he doesn't get that mentality. Howard said he asked her to turn the music off and relax but she can't. Howard said if he was her husband he'd tie her up. Ralph said it's bad music too. Howard at one point it was the Back Street Boys. Howard said he asked her if she ever listens to Led Zeppelin or anything like that. Howard said he's really shocked that a Spice Girl likes shitty music. Howard said he really likes working with Mel. He said she's a good sport though. He said she's cool about the jokes about the Spice Girls.
Ralph said Mel gets glitter all over you. Howard said he was covered in glitter after hugging her once. Ralph said he can't even get that stuff off of you. He said Howard is very sparkly during the shows in New York.
Ralph mentioned the time they went to an AGT taping and Howard had a band right under his window. He said he thought it was a joke. Howard said he had to ask for another room there. He said he was on the side of the street during South By Southwest. Howard said it was insane.
Ralph said the music was going all night there. He said that they could hear the music from across the river. Howard said Heidi Klum had a cough the whole weekend. Howard said she was coughing all over him and singing the whole time. Howard said she tries to read and write down questions. He said she's constantly singing and asking him questions. Howard said the word Radioactive was on some equipment there and that got Heidi singing the song ''Radioactive.'' Howard said she had her cough so she was coughing and singing. Howard said he thinks she had whooping cough or something. He said she must have thought he liked it because if he brought it up she'd cough more.
Howard said at one point a contestant came out and told Heidi how much she likes her husband Seal. Howard said that was 3 or 4 boyfriends ago. Howard let Ralph go a short time later and did another live commercial read.
Robin read a story about how it's time to say goodbye to Mickey Rooney. Howard said they interviewed him once. Robin said he was 93. Howard said he was a huge star when he was a kid. Robin said he was a huge star. Howard said he was a great actor actually. He said he married 8 times and his last wife he was separated from at the end. Robin said he was married to Ava Gardner and she was the Angelina Jolie of her time. Robin said he made 8 movies with Judy Garland. Robin said his career lasted almost a century. Robin said he was working from the time he was a kid and he was in the movies in the silent era. Robin said he was in a movie in 2012 so his career spanned very decade he lived in. Howard said he heard he wasn't rich from all of that and he had to file for bankruptcy at one point. Robin said that he had a great run until he got older. Robin said he was short and one of those guys that everyone loved as a teenager. Robin said when the lean years came he had some problems. Robin said he won a juvenile Oscar. Howard said they need to bring that back. Robin said he played ''Bill'' in the movie of the same name. Howard said he can play that part. He said he might have to remake that movie. Robin read a few more details about Mickey's career.
Robin read a story about how they may have detected flight 370 signals. Robin said they think that they could be the black box signals. Robin said they have had a couple of pings that they think could be from the box. Robin had some audio of an official commenting on that story. Howard said they're not going to find that plane. He said it's gone. Robin said they say that they have analyzed the flight path and they think it was trying to avoid radar.
Robin read a story about a selfie that was done with the President and a soccer player. Howard said he hates selfies. The shot was used in marketing for Samsung because they sponsor this player. Howard said he thinks it's undignified for him to even be in selfies. He said the President shouldn't be.
Robin read a story about Kate Middleton and how her dress was blown up and a picture was posted in the paper. Robin said that the same paper would say what Howard is saying is horrible but they'll post that photo in the paper. Robin said she had lovely legs. Robin said they're on a trip. Gary said the 9 month old gets a personal chef. They have like 13 people just for the kid alone. Howard said he the people in England must hate that. He said they're going broke but they have 13 people taking care of one kid. He said it has to be hard to take.
Robin read a story about the Mormons. Robin mentioned they're known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Howard said he knows them as the people who did the Davey and Goliath cartoons when he was growing up. Howard did an impression of what those characters sounded like and talked about that for a minute. Robin read the details of the story about how they're against gay marriage.
Robin read a story about Aretha Franklin and Patty LaBelle being part of a concert that's going to be on PBS tonight.
Robin said that the Goonies is coming back to the big screen. Robin said director Richard Donner has said they are going to do a sequel to the movie. Howard said he doesn't remember that movie. Robin said Donner is going to try to include as much of the cast as possible. Robin said they're not sure if they'll make cameos or pick up in the kids later lives.
Robin read a story about something called a Geep. Robin read that's what they call it when you breed a sheep and a goat. Robin said they say that the farmer who has it remembers seeing them mating and now he has this Geep. Howard asked Benjy what a Geep would sound like. Benjy came up with a mix of a sheep and a goat. Howard laughed. Howard said Benjy fucks a shark in Sharknado and has a Bark which is a mix of Benjy and a Shark.
Robin read about how Captain America did 96 million at the box office this weekend. Robin said she saw it and she loved it. Robin said she's getting into Agents of SHIELD too. She said they're tying the movies and TV show together.
Robin read about how the new pope has made a big deal out of not spending a lot of money. Robin said that an archbishop moved into a new home that was worth $2.2 million which went against that. Robin said some people were upset about that. Howard said they should get over it. He ended the show a short time later. They were done around 10:45am.
Jon said he always wondered why people had it in for Dan. He said what Dan said was that he doesn't care about being the TV guy. He said he's a real reporter. Jon said it was great hearing Howard sit down with Dan Rather. Jon said that there has been a real change on the perception of Howard and what he does. He said that Carol is on then Dan Rather follows her. Carol said she would never think that would happen. She said she never expected Dan to come on the show.
Jon said that it's great when people live up to their expectations. Carol asked if he asked Dan the personal questions. Jon said Dan told Howard that he might be crazier than he thinks he is if he asks him those personal questions.
Jon congratulated Carol on her big announcement about getting engaged. Carol said she saved that for Howard. She said that she listens to the show every day and she feels that it's part of her family. Carol said she didn't get to tell Howard but she appreciates that he's so vocal about supporting gay marriage and gays. She said that she felt it was the right place to do it.
Jon asked Carol about what it's like to be in studio and have Howard directing the interview. Carol said Howard really does direct it. She said that she has to try to plug her book ad the show she's working on. She got in a couple of plugs for those things with Jon too.
Jon asked if she realizes how big the whole Seinfeld thing is. Carol said it's iconic and it was amazing to be able to work on it. She said she's not surprised when people want to talk about it. She said that only comes around once in a lifetime. Carol said she hopes she did it enough on air about how the show was Larry and Jerry and the writers were just cogs in those wheels. Jon said he thinks she made that very clear. Jon said she's selling herself short there too. He said he read in the notes how this show was an inspiration for something they did on the show. Carol said she heard Kathy Buckley on the Stern Show and that was an inspiration for the episode where they took the deaf person to the restaurant to read lips.
Gary said when he was working there he would be barraged with people who swore they could write for Seinfeld. Gary said that they thought it was really about nothing. Carol said she got that all the time. Then she said a girl from high school told her a story that she thought would be a good idea. She said that story became the foundation for the Marble Rye episode.
Jon asked Carol what affect Howard has on Hollywood. He said that it seems like people are proud to talk about how inspirational he was. Carol said she thinks that it's huge. She said that Dan Rather was just on the show. She said she never thought that would happen but the quality of guests is amazing.
Gary said Anderson Cooper was just on and he talked about how he started listening to Howard in his car when he was commuting a lot. He said if he could just get everyone to listen to Howard they'd want to come on the show.
Carol said when you listen regularly it's a part of your daily loop. She said that you feel sorry about it when you can't listen.
Gary said he would like to get Carol, Natalie Maines and Andy Richter to do a trivia game about the show. He said he'd like to see who listens more. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said that Carol also brought up the book blurb and how she knew better than to ask Howard for one. Jon asked if she did the right thing not asking. Carol said since she listens to the show she knows not to do that. She said she would totally not go there. Carol said there are things you have to go after and things you really should not pursue. Gary said she made the right decision. Gary said Howard loves her and she made the right decision not asking. He said Howard would have stressed over it so much if she had.
Jon said Sal Governale is included in the book. He asked Carol about why she did that. Carol said she called Sal because she wanted to use that story about him getting on the show. She said that she wasn't sure how that happened so she called Sal and asked him for the details. Sal said if a jackass like him can do it then anyone can do it.
Jon said that it must have been flattering for Carol to call Sal. Sal said it really was. He said he got his foot in the door by calling Gary. He said that it ended up working out for him in the long run. Gary said Sal said he would do anything he needed to get done to get in there. Carol said that you have to be the same way when you want to write scripts. Carol said her advice is to write a script for a show you like and get in there as a PA or something. She said that if you're entertaining and funny you'll move up the ladder.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Carol would hire Benjy as a writer based on the controversy with Benjy's work ethic. Carol said that was at least a year ago. Benjy said he hasn't been late in a couple of years. Benjy said it's cool with either way she goes. Carol said that Benjy is doing a great job there and she's not sure why people piled up on him at the last Super Fan Roundtable. She said that he wouldn't be there if he wasn't doing a great job. She said if you're not producing then you'll be gone.
Jon said Carol was taking about a safe writing environment and that's pretty much how they operate there. Gary said no one has ever been pulled aside and told not to do something again... other than Sal at times. But that's just for comments he has after they bring up an idea.
Benjy said he has a lot of rope to say what he wants. He said that there are some people that throw ideas out there and they're like ''Ehhhhh...''
Gary asked if the writers meetings on 30 Rock seemed real to her. Carol said they did. Gary said he has seen some things that they do in the writer's room and they're pretty wild. Carol said the most fun she has in a writer's room for a show she enjoys working on. She said she has a great time at work if she's in that situation. Carol said that there was a lawsuit a few years back about a writer's room situation but that room has to be a safe room for ideas. Jon said they had to take another break after that.
Jon said he was thrilled to have Dan Rather in there today. Leiberman said he was too. He said he looked up to Dan in the news business. Jon said that a lot of people didn't like Dan Rather yet he ended up being very successful. Leiberman said that's the way the business is. He said he went through a lot of things that other people went through rising up through the ranks. Gary said if Dan could have done an interview like he did today then maybe people would have gotten to know him. He said he came across much nicer today than he ever did at the news desk. Leiberman said that's true. He said in the past they had restrictions on them and you never got to like them.
Jon asked if Leiberman thinks he'd fit in there at Howard 100 News. Leiberman said that he thinks he'd fit in just fine. He said he'd like to see the dynamic in the news room with him and Lisa G.
Gary said hearing Dan talking about going to Viet Nam and seeing those things in his head like a video tape. He said that was really tough to hear. He said that he got to see a lot of things over there.
Jon brought up how Dan was talking about taking over for Walter Cronkite and how Walter was upset he gave up the job just weeks after he retired. Gary said Dan was saying that Walter was upset that he gave up the job and the money that they were paying guys after he left.
Gary said that he went to Afghanistan and some kid at school told him that his dad was going to die over there. Gary said that's ridiculous. Leiberman said he was covering the war in Iraq when he got married so that was a serious discussion for him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said it was nice to have Dan Rather in there and not have Nick Cannon in there every month. Gary said it's nice to mix it up. Jon said Howard has a lot of time to work with his guests. Carol said Howard is amazing at it. She said that you never know where Howard is going to go. She said it's hard to steer it where you want it to go because Howard is so on it.
Gary said Dan talked about Rheumatic Fever and about his dad dying and also about having to get up to pee 4-5 times a night. He said they got it all.
Jon said they also talked about David Letterman retiring and all of the names that are being thrown around to replace him. Jon said that Howard's name is thrown in there too. Jon wondered if he would take that job. Gary said he doesn't know. He said Howard works really hard but that's a full time job over there. He said it's almost a no won situation. He said you'd rather be the guy who replaces the guy who replaces Letterman. He said taking over for Dave is going to be tough. Jon said Howard said he would have to blow up the format and change it up.
Jon asked Jon Leiberman what he has in the news. Leiberman ran down a few story headlines that they have coming up in the Howard 100 News today. He also got in a plug for Leiberman Live which is on at 4:45 this afternoon. Carol also got in a plug for her book ''How to Succeed in Business Without Really Crying'' and the rest of the guys threw in their plugs as they were wrapping up. They ended the show around 11:30am.
Howard started the show talking about how sad he is for Bob Geldof. Howard said his 25 year old daughter died. Howard said a lot of people don't remember who Bob is. He said there was a famine relief that he started and he had a hit song with that fund raiser. He said he was also in the band Boomtown Rats and they had a hit song called ''I don't Like Mondays.'' Howard said Bob used to come on the show all the time. He said when he was a young man he'd come on and one day he said he had a baby and her name was Fifi Trixabelle or something like that. Howard said he then had a baby named Peaches. Howard said Bob stopped coming in and went off and did his thing. Howard said Bob's daughter Peaches is dead at 25. Howard said some people are saying drugs and some are saying suicide. Howard said bob released a statement and he felt so bad for the guy.
Howard said he remembers reading that the woman he had the kids with had sex with the guy from INXS and she had a kid with him. Howard said Bob ended up adopting that kid. Robin said the wife died too from something.
Howard said Peaches Geldof is the greatest name ever after Fifi Trixabelle. He said he felt so bad for Bob when he heard that story. He said he has another kid that's just 18 months old too. Howard said he heard that Peaches was getting over some tough stuff and she was going to concentrate on her kid.
Robin said even just days before someone dies they post stuff on Twitter and Facebook. Robin said Peaches had posted some pictures recently of herself with her child and a picture of herself when she was a child with her mother. Howard said you never know what can happen.
Howard said he was thinking about Bob Geldof and mentioned him to a few people and they had no idea who he was. Gary said Jason just asked who he was. Howard said he played some people one of Bob's hit song ''I Don't Like Mondays'' and they still have no idea who he was. Howard said the worst thing to happen is for one of your kids to die before you do. Robin said that Bob made a statement about how she was more bonkers than any of them. Howard said he thinks she meant that in a good way though. Howard played the song ''I Don't Like Mondays'' and said he doesn't like them either.
Gary said Sal just said he knew who Horatio Alger was. He said he had him swear on the life of his kids he knew that yesterday. He said Sal told him that he didn't know it yesterday but he does know it now.
Howard said Carol was there yesterday and she made some prank calls with Sal and Richard. Howard played a call she made to a flower shop asking them to deliver some flowers to her husband in the hospital. Carol asked the guy at the flower shop to put something on the card about going into the light and how she'll always love him. Then she had him send another one to another man about her husband finally kicking the bucket and how they were in the money and they were going to do it on his coffin. She also added that she wanted to shove the flowers up the husband's dead old ass. Then she added that she thinks the guy at the flower shop swings both ways. The guy ended up hanging up on her.
Howard said someone who listened to Riley Martin's show is very astute. Howard said someone in 2006 asked Riley if the Biavians have a way of singing Happy Birthday. He said Riley sang it one way in 2006 and then he sang it another way in 2014. Howard played the 2006 version and then the newer version. Howard said they were two different songs. Robin said she's so sad that he can't recreate that song. Howard said you'd be fucked up too if you were on a spaceship and came to Earth and met Riley.
Howard said he has some other clips to play. Robin asked if anyone is going to confront Riley on that song. Howard said he's sure he'd have an excuse for that.
Howard said he has a clip of Jeff the Vomit Guy who went into a frenzy when he heard that Lady Gaga got puked on at a show. Howard played a voicemail he left asking to get in on that because he'd like to bear witness to the vomiting. He said he could be the guy who takes the vomit instead of Gaga. Howard said he can't even listen to that guy talk. He said he gets sick just hearing him talk about that stuff. Howard said he thinks that someone is speaking for his fetish of one. In the voicemail Jeff asked Howard to give him a call and he'll be there.
Howard played a prank call the guys made to a Bulimia hotline number using some Jeff the Vomit Guy audio clips talking about how he likes to see women vomit. The woman said that he is an asshole after they called with the clips a few times.
Howard said you'd think that someone would want him for that. Howard said that's the greatest call ever. He said it doesn't get better than that. He said you can't top it. He said they should play that over and over again. Howard said the whole thing is just horrible. He said that poor woman is working on the Bulimia hotline.
Howard said the show is going to air on Howard 100, 101 and the Billy Joel channel. Howard said everyone is having a good time with that channel. Howard said he was talking to Ronnie the Limo Driver who was listening all weekend to that channel. Howard said he was ''on'' the channel but he just meant he was listening all weekend. Howard said they should have Ronnie on the channel though.
Howard said Billy is such a good guy. He said he had them over to his house and told them that he was going to donate to Bianca's Furry Friends. He said that they're building a floor where animals can roam free. He said it's going to cost about $7 million to do it. Howard said Billy is doing a show on May 9th and he's presenting the proceeds from the night to Bianca's Furry Friends so they can build that floor. Howard said Beth broke down in tears and he was very moved. Howard said it's such a nice thing. Howard said he blew Billy. He said they loved it. Howard said that Billy is a rock guy and he's been blown by the best.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's out on his newspaper route. Howard asked how much money he can make. The caller said he makes about 400 plus tips. He said there are some who can make 1000. He said he just drives around for 2 hours a night doing it. He said it's a cool gig. He said he still delivers 40 TV guides a week. Howard said he loves holding a newspaper. He said he still gets it delivered. The caller said he gets them all in the apps. Howard said his kids go online too. He said it's kind of sad that it's going to go away.
Howard said everyone finds their own web sites but with newspaper everyone reads it. THE caller said there are old people waiting on their porch for that stuff. He told Howard to please stay on the air until he's 90. Howard said when he's 90 he's going to be in big trouble.
Howard said this Oscar Pistorius is some actor. He said he can make himself cry at any time. Howard said he's a big baby. Howard said that fucker should man up and just go to jail. He said he should turn to the judge and just admit what he did. Howard said he's a psycho who killed someone. Howard said the judge is a female judge and she's a black woman. Howard said she's not going to take that nonsense. Howard said he should just man up and take his punishment. Howard said no one ever does that.
Gary said Eric thinks everyone is against him but he has no idea how he's behind it all. Eric said he was told he has interns and JD making up fake Twitter accounts to harass him. He said he heard that he offered up free lunch to them for that. Gary said that's what he did while he was working on the birthday show and everything else there. Howard said Gary has time to fuck with Eric. Howard said he's mad at Gary now for doing all of that. He said he's taking away time from the job he does for him.
JD came in and said he's going to cop to it all too. He said he's using his own money to do that. Gary said Eric is some megalomaniac. Howard said Eric will be on Leiberman Live tonight at 4:45. Eric said because of that... Howard cut him off and said they had a guy on the street roast Eric. Howard said this guy starts goofing on people if you just show him a picture of the person. In the clip the guy was talking about how Eric looks and goofing on his feet and things like that. He said his feet look like they're doing sign language and shit. He said his hands look like dirty balled up newspaper and he must have to clap with his knuckles.
Howard said that guy is named Trag the Photo Roaster. Howard said he roasted Jay Leno too. Howard played a clip of him roasting Jay. He made fun of his chin and said it looks like an under cooked Kidney Bean.
Eric said on Facebook he posted that he completely supports Jimmy Kimmel. Howard said he loves Eric and wants to see him do well. He said he just loves his spirit. Howard said he loves that he's feisty and all of that. Howard said he's into TV and media and all of that. Howard said Eric is one paranoid mother fucker though. He said that if he really thinks Gary and JD are busy bothering him on social media he's out of his mind. Howard said he has no evidence that they're trying to sabotage his social media at all. Howard said he's just as wrong about them as he was about him. Howard said they like Eric. Howard said they have such busy lives that they have no time to do the things they love to do, never mind going after him on social media. Eric said he's sure he can get the evidence.
Gary asked Eric who told him that he was the one behind this. Eric said this person told him he was an intern at Sirius and that's what he heard. Howard said that's people fucking with him. Howard said if anyone has the time to fuck with him it's Robin. Eric said Johnny had the suspicion too. Howard said Johnny is just fucking with Eric. Howard said he doesn't know what to do with Eric.
Eric said this is going to be his last call for a while. He said he's going to the doctor on Friday and they are going to tell him he needs to have a valve replaced immediately or in a few months. Howard said he hopes he doesn't die on him. He said he would be really upset if he died. Eric said he's going to put himself on a hiatus. He said he has every intention of calling back though. Howard said he has a bad feeling about this. Howard said he really doesn't like this. He asked if he has the best people working on this. Eric said he wouldn't mind getting Dr. Oz to assist. Howard said he always wants a celebrity doctor. Howard said he's upset with Trag for goofing on Eric now. Howard asked if he has to go to a specialist since he's a special case. Eric said he goes to a regular guy. Howard asked what they have to do. Eric said they have to make an incision in his right side and go in and pull the old valve out and put a new valve in. Howard said this sounds like open heart surgery. Eric said that they may have to crack a few ribs to get in there.
Howard told Eric to hang in there. He said he doesn't want to lose him. Eric said it's going to be a couple of months of recovery after that. He said he will continue to do Leiberman Live when he can. Howard wished him luck and told him to take a selfie from the hospital so he can see him.
Howard said now he's upset. Eric said he will give them updates. Howard said Hanzi wants to talk to him before he goes. Howard took a call from Hanzi who said he's going to defend Eric. He said he thinks it's Howard behind the fake accounts. He said that he's doing it to Eric and doing it to him as well. Howard said Eric doesn't need anyone stirring him up and now Hanzi is coming on and getting him upset. Eric said he already apologized to Howard for that. Howard said Eric is going into the hospital and this is going to upset him. Hanzi said Howard is the one who makes Eric look like an asshole. He said Howard hides behind his workers all the time. Howard said all he does is hide behind them, sure. Howard said Eric doesn't even live with his parents but Hanzi still does. Hanzi said he doesn't want to sign up for disability. Howard said he should so he can get his own apartment. Hanzi said that he just wants something else to goof on him about. Howard said Hanzi is a tough character. He said he's just trying to get Eric all stirred up.
Eric said he doesn't live with his parents but the house he lives in is paid for by them. Howard said he doesn't want to get into all of that personal stuff with him.
Hanzi said Howard owes him movie parts. Howard said he can't force anyone to put him in a movie. Hanzi said there are people who want to put him in movies and Howard is stopping it. Howard said it was Eric who came up with that idea to get into movies. Howard said he's going to call his parents and ground him. He said he's going to take away his phone privileges. Howard said he'll have them take away his TV too. Howard said maybe his pot can be taken away. Hanzi said Howard already fucked his life up with that. Howard asked how he did that. Hanzi said Howard knows. Howard said he has no idea what he's talking about. Howard played a song parody about Hanzi and said he knows he doesn't care about Eric. Hanzi said he does care. Howard said he has to wish Eric luck with the heart valve thing. Howard asked if he has any last words for the show if something does happen. Eric said he hopes they continue to have a successful run. He said you can tune in and see him on Legit on April 30th on FXX. He'd also like people to give Jimmy Kimmel more ratings. Howard asked Eric to give them updates from the hospital.
Howard said he really has to go. He said he has a whole show to do. Hanzi asked if he's going to interview Dan Rather again. He said fuck that guy. Howard said Dan did a lot more than Hanzi ever did with his life. Howard said that Hanzi has some nerve talking about him like that. Hanzi went off on the United States for doing what they did in Viet Nam. He went off on Howard about going off on people after 9/11 too.
Hanzi asked if he can fuck Robin once and for all. Howard said yes. Hanzi said Robin wants his cock. Robin laughed. Hanzi said that Robin backs him up on all of this and she's the only one who calls Howard out on anything. Howard said maybe Robin can give Eric a going away present. Robin said that might stress him out.
Eric asked Howard if he can line up the nurse who came in for the breast evaluation a few years ago. Howard told him to calm down and not worry about that stuff. Howard said he has to get himself better and then they'll worry about the girls. Eric said alright to that. Howard let Eric and Hanzi go after playing another ''Imran Khan'' song parody.
Howard said Dave has been a big part of his history. He asked why he's really retiring. Dave said that they say he's at the top of his game but what he really wants to do is punch up comedy scripts in Hollywood. Howard said they had a guy there who said the same thing. Howard said his name is Jackie the Joke Man.
Howard asked Dave if he thinks that it's really time to quit. Dave said he has to raise black people on his black people farm. Howard said that he thought he was leaving because of Jimmy Fallon. Evil Dave said that if you can't beat 'em then you hide in their dressing room and beat off to them.
Howard said it must be depressing that Jimmy Fallon's ratings are higher than his. Dave said he would like to choke him with his guitar strings.
Howard asked Dave what his thoughts are. Dave said the real issue is about why Jerry Sandusky is in jail. He said if it's a crime to shower with young boys then who among them isn't guilty?
Howard asked if Dave cares who replaces him. Dave said he doesn't care as long as it's not a Jew. Dave also asked Robin what happened to the tumor they removed from her. He said he'd like to eat it on his last show. Robin said she doesn't think she can get a hold of it.
Howard asked Dave what he's going to be doing in retirement. Dave said he needs more time to follow Kim Kardashian on Instagram. He said he likes that big ''juggly'' ass. He said he'd like to bend her over and hit that with a curtain rod.
Dave said he wants to get a sex change operation like Bruce Jenner. He said he's getting his Adam's apple shaved down. Howard said he doesn't think that Bruce has said he's getting a sex change so he can't say that.
Howard asked what he's going to miss most when he retires. Dave said he'll miss the taste of Paul Shaffer's loads. Dave said he's going to be jerking off like a mad man when he retires.
Howard asked why he didn't announce the retirement at the birthday bash. Dave said he took one look at Robin's gorgeous breasts and lost his train of thought.
Dave said he thinks there are too many Caucasians on TV. He said he hopes they give his time slot to Flavor Flav. Howard asked what he thinks about a woman taking his spot. Dave said that's a slippery slope. He said next thing they'll want is to vote and drive.
Howard asked Dave if he wants to travel at all. Dave said he would like to go to the Philippines because you have no idea what young boys will do for a pack of smokes over there.
Dave said he is there to announce that he's starting a David Letterman channel there on SiriusXM. He said that it's 24 hours of Justin Bieber pissing into a bucket. Dave said he really quit because he got sick of hearing about Vinnie's musical every minute.
Howard said that this is going to be a huge change for him. Dave said he hopes they get that Obamacare web site fixed by 2015. He said if you think he's going to pay for boner pills out of his pocket you're fucking crazy.
Dave said he just wanted to say one more thing. Howard said he's not saying anything he wrote. Dave said that he's going to be 67 this weekend. He said they say if you have a boner longer than 4 hours you should go to the mall and bump into people. Howard said that was some last statement. Howard let Dave go a short time later.
Robin asked if Dave knows he's retiring with the real Dave. Howard got Dave back on and asked if he realizes that. Dave said he spent half his life in makeup so he thinks he'll be fine. Howard said that Dave can be Dave instead of ''Evil Dave.'' Howard asked if he has a piece of candy in his mouth. Dave said he doesn't. Howard asked if he realizes he's going to retire along with the real David Letterman. Dave said he did realize that. Howard said the only way he gets out of the house is when he does this stuff. Howard said he's not sure they even give Dave's full name on the air. Dave said he only has one name of ''Evil Dave'' like Cher. Howard let Dave go again. Howard said he doesn't think he understands or cares that he's going away.
Howard said he couldn't name one anchor man on TV right now. Robin said that there's Scott Pelly on CBS and Diane Sawyer on ABC. Howard said he thought she was on Good Morning America. Robin said she's been doing that for several years now. Howard said he had no fucking clue. He said he really thought she was on Good Morning America. Howard said the only local guy he knows is Chuck Scarborough. Gary said he's celebrating 40 years on the air. Howard said that he makes more money locally than he does national so that's why they keep him around there at NBC. Howard said the only reason he doesn't go national is because of that money. Howard said he's been at pretty much the same place for 40 years.
Shandor mentioned how hot the chicks are on FOX News. Howard said they have so many over there. He said they're all blonde and hot. Howard said they have one chick who is really hot and she must fuck like a rabbit. Howard said he wonders if O'Reilly is fucking anyone over there. He said that's disgusting but he does wonder about it.
Shandor said he's going in for a heart transplant on the 14th. Howard wished him luck with that. Shandor said he's looking for a heart. Howard said he'll give him Benjy's. Shandor said the show keeps him going and they keep his spirits up. He said Howard has been a guiding light to him for years. He said he's hoping that he's around after the 14th. Howard asked how this thing works. Shandor said he has an enlarged heart and he has to go in on the 14th for tests. He said he'll probably stay in the hospital until they find a heart. He said he never imagined he'd be in this situation. Robin asked how old he is. He said he's 48. Howard asked if he has kids and a wife. Shandor said he does not.
Howard said someone in their audience might be dying soon. Robin said it has to be a match though. Shandor said he almost gave a kidney to a family member just before his heart surgery. Howard wished him luck with the heart thing. Howard told him to take care. Howard said this is like Beth taking in all of these cats that have sad stories. Howard said he has to hear all of this stuff every day. He went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and asked if Robin thinks Billy will do that song on the 28th. Robin said maybe he'll do it or someone else will. Howard said he wouldn't mind Billy doing that. Howard said maybe he'll do it with him.
Howard said Jeff Van Gundy is a real asswipe. Howard said he's the announcer for the Knick games now. He said he went to a game last Wednesday night. Howard said that Beth wanted to go too. He said she likes going to the games.
Howard said he said to his wife that it's tough getting up at 4 in the morning and staying through the whole game. Howard said he had to do America's Got Talent the next day too. He said he wanted to go to the game so he figured he'd stick around for the first 3 quarters. He said that he wanted to see the whole game but what can he do. Howard said it was fun being at the game and he was having fun. Howard said he left when the Knicks were up by 20 points. He said he really had to leave because he has to work. He said he's really disciplined about that.
Howard said there was a lot of hullabaloo over him leaving. Howard said he's really careful about what he's doing over there. He said that someone wrote that he was laughing at Nick Cannon getting booed there. Howard said he didn't even know Nick was there. Howard said he saw Nick Lachey there at the game and he was staring at them there. He said that weird things go down there. Howard said when he left he heard that Van Gundy was saying that he should never be given tickets to the front row because he left early. Howard said people don't know Jeff's rules about when you can leave or not leave. Howard said the guy has no idea why he left the game. He said he could have had a sick child or something. Howard said you have to hear this holier than thou guy talking about him.
Howard played the clip where Jeff Van Gundy was talking about how Howard Stern left the game early and should never be given tickets again. Howard said that he's been up since 4 in the morning and he had no idea that Jeff set up a rule that says you have to stay for all four quarters. They were pointing out the celebrities that were there and then Van Gundy points out that Howard left early and he shouldn't be given tickets again. Howard said that guy hasn't been able to find a coaching job since he left the Knicks. Howard said that they were pointing out that Nick Lachey was there and Howard was gone. Howard said maybe nick isn't as busy as he is.
Howard said that they asked him to come to that game. He said that Van Gundy acts like he's still with the Knicks. Howard said that he has nothing to do with the team anymore. Howard said most times he will leave a game early. He said when you get up at 4 in the morning it can be a chore to stay up until 8. He said that Jeff Van Gundy has his own rules about how long you should stay at a game. Howard told van Gundy to say that to his face next time... you midget. Howard said he's another fucking guy who watches him. He said there are a million people there who leave early. Howard said he didn't know there was a rule about leaving early. He said he will continue to get up early and leave. He said if Jeff Van Gundy doesn't like it then he can eat him.
Howard said if Nick Lachey leaves early he's not going to call him out on it. Robin said it's really no one's business if Howard leaves early. Howard said that's it. He said he thinks that the Knicks would let him coach them before they'd let Van Gundy coach them again. Howard said maybe he should leave early and get some sleep. Howard asked if he ever won a championship. Robin said no. Gary said he has never won a championship. Howard said he doesn't have time to sit there because he's a winner. He said he's been number 1 and the dedication means you have to leave fun things early. He said he's super dedicated to being number 1. Howard said Van Gundy can float by being number 20.
Howard said that guy is so desperate. Howard said he grabbed some guy's leg. Howard said he has to play by the rules. Howard said that guy coached all those years and never got to number 1. Howard said he has been number 1 in New York, L.A., Philadelphia and more. Howard said Van Gundy should look that up and learn something about it. Howard said Van Gundy is a wannabe. He said that he can stay at fun games and make all of the rules he wants. Howard told that cock sucking fuck to listen to him. Howard cut himself off saying that he's going to stop using that term ''cock sucker'' since Anderson Cooper and someone else was talking to him about that. Howard said that maybe ''Douche'' or ''cunt'' would be better. He said that might be too strong. Howard said he doesn't like Jeff. He said he doesn't like guys who aren't number 1 getting jealous and watching him. He said he never speaks out against anyone but him. Howard said next time he's at the game he can come over and say hello to him. He said he's a little troll and he should keep his comments about him to himself.
Howard said he's done with that now. Howard said he just made it even more uncomfortable to go to a Knick game. Gary said Howard only has to worry when ESPN covers the game. He said they're not there for every game. Howard said he got on his radar because he decided to comment on him. Howard said he doesn't remember that guy ever winning a championship. He said that means he doesn't have eye of the tiger. He said he will never know the joy of being number 1. Howard said he should be happy he's being allowed to broadcast. Howard said he should just watch the game and shut up. He said he wonders what other rules he has for that stuff. He said that maybe they can give his tickets to Nick Lachey next time. Howard said maybe you're not allowed to eat during free throws either.
Howard took a call from Bobo who asked when he's driving around if he uses GPS. Howard said he always has to use GPS. He said the GPS doesn't know where the places are that he has to go though. He said his GPS was freaking out the other day when he was out. He said he has to use the GPS on his iPhone these days. He said that he isn't very good with directions. He said he has no ability to know where he is. H said he has to call Ronnie sometimes. Howard said he's like a baby.
Howard said he has a whole thing going on now. He said he takes a lesson on something every week and it has something to do with Art. He said he doesn't want to be ridiculed so he won't say what it is. He said he has no idea how to get to the place he has to go. He said he has been there but he doesn't know where it is. Howard said it's not on the GPS either. Howard said it's only 20 minutes from their house and he should be able to get there on his own. He said Beth suggested he get a car service but he should be able to do it himself. Howard said it's embarrassing.
Robin said they had a ride one night when they got lost and they were probably in every borough of New York. Howard said he yells at Robin about it and she's from Baltimore. Robin said they were in Harlem and got outside of the city somehow. She said they had to come back in over a bridge to get home.
Howard said he used to get lost taking his daughter to the orthodontist. He said they'd be out for 2 hours lost. He said that he was like a kid driving the car. Bobo said you have to update those GPS things once in a while. Howard said that's why he uses his iPhone.
Howard took a call from Walt Frasier, which turned out to be Sour Shoes doing a bad impression for once. Robin said that was the worst he's ever done. Sour was playing some Fleetwood Mac and doing impressions for him. Howard said his favorite impressions are Gary, Mad Dog and Farrell. Sour did all of those for Howard. Sour was doing a lot of his Mad Dog Russo impression. Howard said he had to take a break but he had a story to tell about Mad Dog Russo talking about Gary's pitch. He said he'll do that some other time. He went to break after that.
Howard came back and said Kathy Griffin is a comedian. Howard said she won a Grammy for her album ''Calm Down Girl.'' Kathy came in and Howard told her that Benjy is in Sharknado 2. Kathy said she hopes he has back end on that.
Howard asked Kathy if she did more plastic surgery. Kathy said she did not. She said she has done nothing lately. Howard said she looks different to him. Howard asked how much she weighs. She said she's 5'3'' all and 110 pounds. Howard said she was probably 50 pounds heavier when he met her. Kathy said maybe 30. Howard asked if she can get down to 99 pounds. Kathy said she hopes to. Kathy said she flirted with Bulimia at one point when she was on Suddenly Susan. She said she would work out and starve after binging too. She said that she would be feeling woozy and confused and not know why. Howard said by eating normally you can get over that.
Kathy said she had lipo done and she had photos that she found funny but they were actually horrifying. Howard asked if she wished she had figured this out earlier in her life. Kathy said she does. She said she's 53 now. She said she has to use lube every time she has sex now. She said that she's gone through menopause. She still has a young boyfriend. She said he's 35 and she's 53.
Howard asked what she uses for lube. Kathy said she has the lube right there within reach. She said it's right there. Howard asked if she's still horny and dry. Kathy said that she is still horny. She said that she puts this cream right on her vagina like she was told to do. Howard asked if her boyfriend is upset that he can't get her worked up. Kathy said guys don't care about that. Howard said he would think that he's not satisfying a woman if she doesn't get worked up enough to get wet. He said he knows it's a physical thing though.
Kathy said she's on this hormone cream that keeps your vagina young. Robin said it's an anti aging thing. Howard said that doesn't work. Robin said it does work. She said they're hormones so they do work. Kathy said she was having hot flashes and all of that. Howard said maybe the body goes through that for a reason. Howard said that maybe it's like the women who went through morning sickness and took Thalidomide. Kathy said she can't believe he went there.
Howard asked if Kathy blows her boyfriend. She said she does but she doesn't think she gives great ones. Howard said he thinks that women don't really enjoy penis when they don't do that very well. Kathy said that she thinks it's because of her gag reflex. Howard said you don't have to take the whole penis in there. Kathy said she gets it. Robin said that you have to do things with your hands. Kathy said they're all different. Howard said that when he was with this one girl she blew him in a hotel room. Howard said she had a way of doing it and she didn't take it all the way in there. He said her mouth was really wet and she didn't use her teeth. Howard said the whole act is ridiculous if you think about it but you don't have to take the whole penis down your throat. Kathy said in porn they do that gagging thing and that's what guys are into. She said it's tough to figure out the ratio of shaft to head and all of that.
Howard said he wants to understand what the move is to use the lube. Kathy said when he's going for the condom she's going for the lube and she has a 2 second move. She said that she's always had her guys using condoms so she's pro-condom. She said that's their thing so that's when they do their thing and meet in the middle. She said that they both just do their thing and they're ready to go. Kathy said if they have to change position she has to re-lube. Kathy said she can't have to go to the hospital from not being lubed enough. Howard asked how long the guy lasts. Kathy said it depends on him. She said sometimes he'll be quick and sometimes he'll last a long time. She said she may change position and get the lube again.
Kathy said that this conversation is what led to a falling out she had with Barbara Walters. She said that Howard told her that he'd bang Barbara Walters years ago. Howard said that was a lie. Kathy said he told her in the dressing room at The View that she might want to grab the K-Y and she said she prefers Astroglide. She said she told that joke in a stand up special and she was banned from The View for years. She said she had to work her way back on the show.
Howard asked if the boyfriend ever applies the lube. Kathy said she thinks he's fixated on his penis and he knows she's going to take care of the ''vagine.''
Howard said Kathy looks more glamorous than usual. He said he likes it. Howard said she was at the birthday bash in the audience. Kathy said that show was great and she had a great view. Kathy said they had the chick table next to her and it was so much fun. Kathy said she thinks Howard is pro-woman. Howard said of course he is. He said he would like to see someone like Kathy take over for Letterman. Kathy said since Joan Rivers there hasn't been a woman in a position like that. Kathy said it just ended after her. Howard said they have mentioned Chelsea Handler as a possible replacement. Kathy said maybe she and Anderson Cooper could take over. Howard talked about how great his interview was with Anderson.
Howard said Kathy is friends with Cher and he heard that she called Bob Mackie to make her some dresses and he turned her down. Kathy said she heard that it was just too close to tour time and he didn't have time to design her new dresses. Howard said he thought that maybe he was just annoyed with Cher.
Howard said that he thinks that Kathy has to work hard to be friendly with Cher. Kathy said she has to be funny even in a tweet or a text to someone. Howard said that he feels the same way. Kathy said she doesn't know what to do at some point. She said the only person she has sexted is Anderson Cooper. She said that when he's in a deep, dark news story she'll send him a picture of herself topless just to keep his spirits up. She said he may not be expecting that and it helps keep him up.
Howard said he thinks that Cher hates him. Kathy said she'll work on getting her on the show. Howard said he would love to interview her.
Kathy said that someone tweeted about dolls that they made of her and Cher. Kathy said she texted Cher the other night with the pictures and sometimes she'll write back and sometimes she won't. Howard said he doesn't want to work hard in his personal life.
Kathy said she only got 2 hours of sleep last night. She told Howard that she used to get her ass kicked in school. She said that she was called ''dog'' in school. She said everyone would bark as she walked down the halls. She said that went on for 8 years in catholic school. Kathy said she got jumped in the park once and she remembers rolling up in a ball. She said that she had 4 girls kicking her and people were walking by doing nothing. Howard asked if the nuns ever stepped in. Kathy said a nun once walked right past her and didn't do a thing. Howard asked if she's big on the anti-bullying campaign. Kathy said she is. She said the difference between what comedians do and what bullies do is so different. Kathy said she once got a letter from one of these girl's husbands who said he'd like her to come out and put his wife in her place. Kathy said that the woman must have bragged to her husband about what she did to her.
Howard asked if that's why she didn't have kids. Kathy said that is part of it. She said that she was also into working so much that she didn't have time for it. Robin said that she never had that biological clock ticking like so many women do. Howard said it must be a tremendous victory for her to be accepted. Kathy said she is not in the club at all.
Howard said Kathy did win a Grammy for her album. Kathy said she's the first woman to win since 1986. She said that Whoopi and Lily Tomlin are the only other two who won.
Kathy said she has something in her act about Howard. She said that he can't stop her either. She said she never apologized to Oprah about what she said about her. Kathy said that she's watching the Lindsay Lohan documentary and she's watching it very closely. She said that Oprah has a god complex. Howard said she really does. Howard said she said that she'd never do that kind of programming but she's doing that Lindsay Lohan thing.
Howard asked Kathy if the best way to handle her is to become friends with her. Kathy said no. She said no one gets the pass. Howard asked if people come up to her and try to stop her from talking about them. Kathy said she was doing Hollywood Squares and Alec Baldwin came up to her and said he loves her work. She said that no one gets off though. She said that she has been fired a lot more than she's been hired but that's her policy.
Howard said Kathy was on the Brooke Shields show ''Suddenly Susan'' for four years. Howard said she was best friends with Brooke but then she came on the show and talked about her and now Brooke doesn't talk to her. Kathy said what Howard did was tell her to say that Brooke was a comedic genius and she didn't do that. She said that what got her mad at her was the talk about Brooke's mom. Howard said she imitated her mom and she stopped talking to her. Kathy said she has run into Brooke a few times and she is cordial to her. She said that she'll be Brooke and say hi but she's not a fan. Howard said it must be weird to have been so close and now she doesn't talk.
Kathy asked Howard if there is anyone he likes no matter what. Kathy said Barbara Walters is the one for her. She said she loves Barbara no matter what is going on between them.
Howard said it's amazing that Kathy is the way she is after being bullied as a child. Kathy said that she had to make the girls laugh to keep them from kicking her ass. Howard asked if she ever went home and cried over it. Kathy said she was more about revenge and trying to outwit them. Howard asked if she ever thought about getting a dog collar and calling herself a dog. Kathy said she did that with her TV show ''My Life On the D List.'' She said that was her way of doing that.
Howard asked Kathy if she has a tough time with comedians saying she's not funny and things like that. Kathy said she did early on in her career. She said that they'd tell her that she's not really telling jokes but stories instead. She said that Louis C.K. was like that back when they were younger but she saw him recently and he was very nice to her.
Howard asked Kathy about when she got into comedy. She said that came after she was acting. She said it didn't start until she was 30.
Kathy said she hasn't had surgery since 2001 but she thought that she could be turned into Jennifer Aniston with enough surgery. Kathy said she remembers the first and last time she was on Oprah and she had complications with her lipo. She said she didn't want her thighs to touch at the time. She said she remembers Oprah telling her not to get liposuction. Kathy said she finds that pretty funny coming from Oprah. Howard said he's heard that everyone in Hollywood has had work done. Kathy said she doesn't think Oprah has. Howard said he thinks she's had Botox. Robin said Oprah has bags under her eyes. Kathy said she doesn't think she's had anything.
Howard said no matter how much you get or how thin you get, do you feel like you're still unattractive. Kathy said that she said she will never feel pretty. Howard asked if the doctors would tell her that they could turn her into Jennifer Aniston. Kathy said they did. Kathy said that anything they could do was better than this. Howard asked if she's happy now. Kathy said she is happier now than she has ever been.
Howard asked if she thinks that the boyfriend thinks she's not that hot. Kathy said that it can be like that. Howard said it's a terrible thing to live with that. Kathy said that her boyfriend looks great when he wakes up in the morning. Howard said he knows what that's like. He said that Beth is like that.
Howard asked if Kathy has seen her boyfriend's ex's and are they hot. Kathy said they're his age and they are attractive.
Howard said he was going to ask about Gwyneth Paltrow. Kathy said she is not a fan. Kathy said if she looked 1/10th as great as her she would look happy. She said she always makes that pissy face though. Howard said Beth considers her the ultimate for women. Howard said as a man he doesn't understand that. Howard had to think about who he finds really attractive. Howard said he doesn't think it's Angelina Jolie or anyone like that. Howard said it's not Jessica Alba or Sophia Vergara ether. Howard said Megan Fox is very attractive. Howard said she has fucked herself up with surgery though. Howard said most women have had nose jobs in Hollywood.
Howard asked Kathy about the birthday bash. Kathy said there was so much going on there. She said that Tan Mom has to take over for Benjy at some point. She said that she arrived when Joan Rivers got there. She said that Joan had a fur on and she was screaming at them that it was fur and she wasn't apologizing. Kathy said that she found that hysterical. She said that Joan has been through so much. Kathy said that Joan made a comment about Rihanna and the Twitter fans came after Joan. Howard said he had that with Britney Spears fans. He said that they came after him after he said something about her. Howard said that Kathy had a Twitter war with Demi Lovato. Kathy said she really doesn't engage in that stuff. She said she never minds when a celebrity is mad at her though. She said that's fine with her. She said that Whitney Houston got in her face and waved her finger. She said she told her to never talk about her. Kathy said she made a joke about her at the Billboard awards and she doesn't even remember what she said. Kathy said she scared her though. Howard asked if she was afraid she was going to get hit. Kathy said she was. She said she was all alone back stage when Whitney confronted her.
Howard asked Kathy what went on with her and Demi Lovato. Kathy said she was doing a Q and A one night in the middle of the night. She said she was letting Siri write it all for her and she wasn't correcting the mistakes. She said she made a joke about Mel Gibson and never heard a word from his fans. Then someone asked her who the douchiest person she's ever met was. She said that she said Demi Lovato was a little douchy and Siri posted it as something else. Kathy said that Demi's fans saw that and they freaked out on her. She said she brought some of their comments with her to read. She read about how they wanted to burn down her house and wanted her dead. They were threatening to kill her in her sleep and things like that. She was told to slit her own throat and things like that.
Howard asked if Kathy had to call the cops. Kathy said they actually called her. She said that they apparently monitor that stuff. Kathy said she's not going to be bullied into stoping what she does. She said that she never made any threats though.
Howard asked if Kathy is exhausted at the end of the day. He said that she's very busy with this stuff. Kathy said she is constantly on. She said she has an energy disorder. She said that her boyfriend says that she wears him out. Howard asked if she tries to calm down after that. Kathy said that he may go back to his apartment to watch Game of Thrones while she watches Wives with Knives or something.
Kathy said that at the birthday show it was great when Jon Bon Jovi's face dropped when he saw Chris Christie walk out on stage and not know where to go. She said that he came out and then Jon sang ''Wanted Dead or Alive'' and they couldn't have written that.
Kathy said that the musical performances were great there and it was great to see them live. Kathy said that Downey yelling at the audience was great. She said that she could have listened to the Letterman interview for 5 hours. She said it was a bizarre moment because there was a Wack Pack fight breaking out during the interview.
Howard said he has done these type of shows and the audience wasn't paying attention. He said he barreled ahead and just did it. He said he knew the people at home would enjoy it. Kathy said Howard stuck to it. Howard said he ignored there was an audience there. Kathy said Dave could have left after 3 questions. Howard said he thought Dave was enjoying it. Kathy said she thinks he was too.
Howard said it's kind of sad that Dave is going. Kathy said she had a talk with her friend Tom Hanks. Howard said he dint know she was friends with him. Kathy said she met him at an event they were at. She said that Harry Stiles from One Direction was there too. She said he was asking Tom about Captain Phillips and being all cute. She talked about how she almost stole Harry's jacket that night but her boyfriend talked her out of it.
Howard said that Kathy is doing a lot of comedy shows. Kathy said she's all over the place. You can find out where she's appearing at KathyGriffin.com
Howard said he hopes she never runs into a Demi Lovato fan at her events. Howard said she has balls going out after talking shit about so many people. Howard said she becomes friends with people and goes right out and bad mouths them. Howard said he's going to L.A. in about a week and a half but they're not going to have a Kimmel Party. Howard said that he doesn't feel like the king of England. He said he feels like Dog. Howard said that he will also be working the whole time out there. Howard said he and Jimmy will go out to dinner or something but that's it. Howard said it's just going to be 8 people. Howard said he doesn't want more than that. Howard said if Kathy was there she'd just ridicule them.
Howard asked Kathy what event she has gone to that she doesn't talk about. Kathy said she has done that. She mentioned Jane Fonda's birthday party and said there was plenty for her to talk about but she kept it quiet. Kathy said she is still a human being and she has a line she won't cross. Howard said he loves Kathy and he's glad that she's doing so well. Howard said she has done the most televised comedy specials. Kathy said it's 20 and its more than any comedian has ever done.
Howard said he's sorry to hear about her brother. Kathy said he passed away a month ago from esophageal cancer. Howard asked if he was a smoker. Kathy said he was not. Howard asked if he had a wife and kids. Kathy said that only one of her siblings got married and had kids. Kathy said this brother did not. Howard asked if he was gay. Kathy said he was straight and he had lots of girlfriends. She said that he didn't go in a pleasant way either. She said that she spent more time with him around the end. She said that he passed away in California. She said that he came out to visit her and stayed out there. She said her mom is still around and that was rough on her. Howard said if he had known about it he would have sent her a note. Howard said he would have been afraid of being ridiculed by her in her act though.
Howard wrapped up with Kathy and gave her another plug for her web site. They went to break after that.
Howard said Jon Hein gave him an article about Microsoft. Howard said they are announcing this thing that's like Siri and that's what Microsoft does. They always come out with it after Apple does. Robin said maybe they can't. Howard said it just bothers him. Robin said that's what makes capitalism. Robin said it keeps prices down. Howard said they need to have some innovations for Office and things like that. Howard said he gave up on Windows years ago though. He said he's upset about this copy of Siri. He said he is a fan of capitalism but he's also a big fan of people who come up with new ideas.
Robin said that he didn't get upset with Nick Cannon when he went with a company to come out with headphones that were cheaper than Dr. Dre's. Howard said he wasn't inventing headphones though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's been playing a movie trailer of him playing a retarded kid but he doesn't get what the joke is there. Howard said that was an old bit they did. Fred said he's not sure what the name of it was. Howard said it may have been a My Left Foot bit. The caller said he thought he got everything with Howard but not that bit. Howard said maybe it's not funny. He said he finds it funny when an actor plays a retarded person. He said that sometimes only he finds his stuff funny.
Howard took a call from Nicole Bass. Howard asked how she's doing. Nicole said she's getting back into the gym. She said she got fat. Howard said he finds that funny when people who are into fitness get fat. Howard said she has to cut back on the eating. Nicole said her husband passed and that really sucked. She said she stayed in her room watching TV. Howard said that sounds like something he'd like to do.
Nicole said she's so pissed at Howard and Robin and Fred and everyone there. Robin asked why that is. Nicole said she has been with him how long. She said it's been a long, long time. Howard said her voice has gotten deeper and richer. That led to Fred doing his Herman Munster laugh for her.
Nicole said that she wanted to come to the birthday show. Howard said they couldn't have everyone there. Nicole said she was going to show him her vagina for his 60th. Howard said maybe at the next birthday party. Howard said he would have had her there but she was too fat. Nicole said she's not that fat. Nicole said she's pissed at Howard for going around kissing Howie Mandel. Howard said he does love Nicole and he's sorry about her husband.
Howard asked if Nicole showing her vagina is a gift or a punishment. Robin said she doesn't know about that. Howard said they had limited seats there and they couldn't have everyone there. Howard said there are still people who are mad at them for that. Howard said it's a big mess.
Robin started off her news with a story about how they talked to Jay Leno about taking over for David Letterman. Howard said he thinks he has that clip. Howard said it may have been a TMZ clip. Jay said that he and Dave are going to do The Sunshine Boys on Broadway together. The interviewer asked Jay who he thinks should take over for Dave. Jay didn't have an answer that made sense. Howard said he's trying to be a nice guy but you can tell he's just annoyed.
Robin read a story about a model, Geena Rocero, who was born a boy. She said she had given the picture to Howard earlier. Howard said he saw it and he thought it was a woman until someone told him it was a dude. Robin said that the model said that she was ''assigned'' a boy when she was born because of the appearance of her genitals. Robin said that the model gave a speech on the Ted stage. Robin said she was terrified to come out. Howard said this is going to kill her modeling career. He said that's unfortunate and he knows people will get mad at him for saying that but it will. Robin asked if he would make love to her. Howard said he doesn't want to be in a man made vagina. He said based on that picture though he might. Robin said she thinks that he'd do it. Howard said if he was on an island the rest of his life he'd just take hand jobs. He said he's freaked out by the man made vagina thing. Robin asked if Howard has ever masturbated with something odd. Howard said no. Robin said he has. Howard said he did stick his dick in that fake vagina thing. He said he did that on the air though. Robin said he tried one out at home. Howard said he hurt his dick. He didn't know he had to lube the fake vagina. Howard said this model looks like a real girl but it would freak him out of he knew.
Robin said when she looked at this model she thought about how Asian transsexuals can pull this off. She said some of them are really beautiful. Howard said that some of them look like dudes though. Howard said that they have them beat in that category.
Howard said Richard Christy used to fuck the cardboard tubes in paper towel rolls. Howard asked Benjy if he could fuck someone like that. Benjy said that he might be turned off to it if he saw it in person. Howard said he would find the part that looks like a guy. Howard said he knows Fred would be all over this dude.
Robin asked Howard if he could find Ukraine on a map. Howard said he'd have a hard time finding the United States on a globe. Howard said he has no idea where Ukraine is. Robin said they say only 6 out of 10 American's could find it.
Robin read about the family that took their 1 and 3 year olds on a boat trip around the world. Robin said they had to be rescued when their 1 year old got sick and their electronics failed. Robin said the mother was writing openly about her misgivings about taking their 2 kids on the trip. Robin said that she wrote that it might be the stupidest thing they've ever done. Robin said the child had a rash 2 weeks before they started their trip. Howard said she doesn't see that she has to put her personal needs aside sometimes. Robin said they say her daughter was treated for salmonella just weeks before. Robin said kids get sick all the time. She said she can't believe that family.
Robin read a story about how the night sky is going to be putting on an impressive show. Robin said the earth, sun and mars will be in almost a straight line. Robin said that you'll be able to see it moving over head all night. Robin said that it will be 10 times brighter than the rest of the stars in the sky. Howard said it's never good when you see it. Howard said it's not that much fun.
Howard asked if the story about internet speeds tripling soon. Robin said there is a story about how they could be bumping up the speeds. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Oscar Pistorius. Howard said that guy is fucking nuts. He said she should just go to jail. Robin said he's trying to impress the judge in the case. Robin said he doesn't have a whole jury to impress. Robin said he cries and it means nothing. Robin had some audio for Howard to play. Howard said he can't imagine the guy not doing jail time. Howard played the clip of Pistorius talking about shooting his girlfriend through the bathroom door when he thought there was an intruder in the house. Howard said he sounds kind of like Peter Sellers doing that French accent. At one point Pistorius said he didn't have his legs on when he went to find the intruders. Howard wondered if the judge is falling for any of this. Robin said it's not clear because she's not speaking.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's heard about the prequel to the Walking Dead that was mentioned in Rolling Stone. Howard said he can't imagine they'd do that because they're not fighting zombies in that. The caller said it would be what led up to it. Howard said they could do flashbacks in The Walking Dead. The caller said he knows Howard loves The Walking Dead. Howard said he is into it but he's not sure he'd be into that. He said he's not sure he'll be into Better Call Saul which is a spin off of Breaking Bad. Howard said The Walking Dead would be called Walking Alive. Howard said he wants to see Zombies and not watch people having their normal lives.
Robin read a story about Ben Affleck quitting Batman Vs. Superman. Robin said that Idris Elba is replacing him as Batman. Howard said he's black though. Howard said he thought Batman was white. Robin said Howard asked for changes and this is a change. Howard said that's fine. He said he thinks that guy is a good actor. Robin said he's great in Luther. Howard said he likes that they give the job to a black guy. Howard asked why Ben Affleck quit. Robin said there were some strange scheduling conflicts with him. Robin said that Idris is already in the Thor franchise. Howard said that's right. Robin said he may switch over or maybe he'll do both. Howard asked if Alfred will be black. Robin asked why he'd have to be black. Howard said he doesn't know. Howard said there's only one source of that story Robin read and it was posted on April 1st. Howard said it's probably an April Fools joke. Howard said that's why he hates April Fools. Howard said he just read that at the end of the story that it was a joke. Robin said she didn't read the whole thing because Fred gave it to her.
Robin read a story about the search for the Malaysian airliner. Robin said they have stopped hearing the pings from the black box. Robin said they're still listening for them but they haven't heard anything lately. Robin had some audio of an official talking about that. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read about that Idris Elba story getting a lot of interest and a lot of people want more of him as a super hero. Robin said that Idris is all for it and he'd like to play either character.
Robin said the White House will not be banning selfies there. Robin said a baseball player used a selfie he took with President Obama to do promotion for Samsung. Howard said he hates that word ''selfie.'' He said that Heidi and Mel love them because they're good looking. Howard said the Loch Ness Monster hates them. He said only good looking people like selfies. Robin had some audio of someone at the White House commenting on the rumor that they were going to ban selfies.
Robin said that Derek Jeter's last season is this year. Robin said that the Yankees won their game the other day and she had some audio of Jeter commenting on that game. Howard wondered if he should watch the games so some day he can tell someone he saw him play. Gary said he might have to go to a stadium and actually watch. Howard said he has no desire to go to a game. He said it seems like such a horror. Howard said he went to games with his father when he was young and he learned nothing. He said his dad filled out this card during the game. He said his dad would give him one and tell him to fill it out. He said he had no idea what to do with it. Howard said he could go to school and get tortured instead of a game. He said that's what he would have rather done. Howard said his dad would threaten to pull over to the side of the road and leave him. Howard said he would worry about what he was going to do if he did that to him. Howard said sometimes they'd actually pull over and open the door. Howard said you don't make a Howard Stern by throwing a party. Howard said this unique comet only happens with the right set of horrible experiences. Robin said that's a pretty scary thing. She said that would frighten a child. Howard said he didn't understand what the word traffic was so he'd ask if it was traffic. He said his dad would yell at him to shut up. Howard was doing impressions of his parents while he was talking about that.
Howard said his dad took him to the track once and he thought he knew something about it because he accidentally picked the right horse to win. Howard said he told his dad in the car how he picked the winner by seeing the number 8 on a pole. Howard said he never went to the track again after that. Howard said he never had any fun. He said it was all a nightmare. He said life was just hard. Robin said not everyone is having that experience. Benjy said he loved hanging out with his dad. Howard said he learned a lot from his dad. He said that's how he keeps all of these mother fuckers in line.
Robin read about a congressman who was video recorded kissing a staff member. He has to apologize to his wife and family now.
Robin read a story about a spinal injury treatment that could help a lot of patients. Robin said that it mimics brain signals with an electrical implant. Robin said that this has allowed 4 men to move their legs for the first them since being paralyzed. Howard asked if this is another April Fools story. Robin said it is not. Howard said that would be the most wonderful thing of all.
Robin read a story about Bob Geldof talking about his daughter's passing and how it destroys him to have to talk about her in the past tense. Robin read some of his quote about his daughter. Howard said it seems like just a year ago he was in there telling them about his daughter Peaches. Howard said it's just unbelievable that the kid as come and gone now. Robin said she was thinking about how she has 2 children with her husband and he's going to go off on his own life. Robin said that Bob wants the kids to be part of his family though. Robin said the guy may go on to marry another woman and she may not want to be part of the Geldof family.
Robin read a story about a woman who used 911 to ask for a ride home from a bar. Robin said the woman was arrested at the bar she called from. Robin said the woman knew she shouldn't drive because she was drunk. Robin had some audio of the woman's call to 911. Howard said she didn't sound that drunk. Howard said she's a dummy. He said she should have called a cab.
Robin read a story about some people who were arrested for beating up a guy who accidentally hit a 10 year old kid. The man stopped to get out to check on the kid when the people beat him. Robin said he's been in a medically induced coma since last Wednesday. Howard said that accidents can happen. He said even unfortunate ones. Robin had some audio of an official talking about the investigation. Robin said the guy did the right thing by stopping but this shows why people leave sometimes. Robin said it's nuts what people are up to sometimes.
Robin read a story about a police officer who is suing the LAPD over his religion. Robin said he claims that he's been harassed because of his religion. Robin said he claims he was forced to sick through a Christian ceremony and he's a practicing Wicken so he was offended. Howard said there are a lot of religions.
Robin read about how Neil Patrick Harris has been named as a possible replacement for David Letterman. Robin said that Chuck Schumer wants the show to stay in New York no matter who takes over. Robin had some audio of him talking about that.
Robin read a story about the Dave Clark Five and asked Howard what he thinks about them. Howard sang a couple of their songs and had Fred play some of their stuff. Howard and the guys talked about how they were considered clones of the Beatles but they were doing their thing at the same time as the Beatles. Robin said they have a film coming out about the Dave Clark Five and they have a bunch of rock stars talking about them in the film. There will also be a book coming out by the end of the year.
Robin read a story about people not exercising enough and what people can do to get a little bit at least. Robin had some audio of a woman giving advice on what to do even if it's just a little bit. Howard blurted out that he wishes he had a big penis. He said he forgot they were on the air.
Robin read a story about the UConn basketball team win and how their fans were celebrating. Robin had some audio of some people talking about their win.
Robin said Johnny Depp and Jimmy Kimmel had a kiss on the air. Robin had some audio of that moment from the show last night. Robin said this is the second time they did this. Howard said he saw that Jimmy had Bill Clinton on and it was a very good interview.
Robin read about how a showing of the movie Noah was canceled by a flood. She said she found that interesting. They ended the show as short time later. They were done around 10:25am.
Jon said that Evil Dave doesn't seem to know that the real Dave's retirement means his retirement. Gary said that Dave may go on for a few years after Letterman is gone. Jon said he can see Dave going off and vanishing when he retires.
Jon said that Howard went off on Jeff Van Gundy today. He said that's the first rant they've heard in a while. He said Jeff may not have realized what he was getting into when he commented on Howard. Gary said Jeff has these rules and they're not written down and given to anyone else. He said they're just his rules though. Jon said there are some rules as a courtesy for games. Gary said if they were working the next day and the game was a blow out then they'd get out of there. Jon said he would have left too.
Jon said Howard was talking about how geographically challenged he is. He said he didn't know how bad it was. Gary said he has only been in the car with Howard a couple of times. He said he drove once so he didn't see how bad he was with directions.
Jon asked Gary how he felt hearing Nicole Bass today. Gary said he felt badly about a lot of people he wasn't able to invite. He said decisions had to be made.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Howard went on for like 20 minutes on Jeff Van Gundy. He said that he loves Howard but he went over the same thing over and over for 20 minutes. Gary said it was a biting comment from Van Gundy. The caller said he thought it was funny. Jon said maybe Van Gundy thought that he as being like Howard saying something like that. Gary said he would love to have a camera when Van Gundy's phone blows up with people telling him what Howard is saying about him. Gary said he's not sure how it could be worse than what was said today.
Benjy said he agrees with Howard about who gives a fuck when he leaves. Benjy said it's not a rule Howard would ever have. He said Howard might point out the same thing if he thought something was done wrong.
Jon took a call from Hanzi who said that he thinks Gary is a liar when he says he's not behind the Eric the Midget stuff. He said he's part of what goes on there and pretends he doesn't know. Hanzi said they fuck with people from the show and they get them all riled up for good air time.
Gary asked Hanzi if he thinks there is a large group of people he fucks with. Hanzi said yes. Gary asked when he thinks he has time to do that. Hanzi said he has people helping him out. He said he isn't spending his time personally doing it. Hanzi said he has people to help him and none of this is really real. Gary asked what the goal is to messing with Eric. Hanzi said maybe good air time and making them look crazy half the time.
Jon asked Hanzi if he thinks that JD is part of it too. Hanzi said he wouldn't be surprised. He said he's not the full culprit. He said there are probably other people who do it.
Benjy said that anyone who gets any notice on the show gets riled up. He said he must see that on the internet. Hanzi said that there's a lot going on out there like companies buying followers and things like that. He said if you speak about the higher ups in the world then you get harassed.
Jon said Eric has gotten some TV appearances and things. He asked Hanzi if he feels he deserves that too. He asked how that works into the conspiracy theories. Hanzi said he knows that they're going to say he thinks he is entitled. He said that he has contributed to the show whether or not people will admit it. He said that he is the only one who hasn't gotten shit for it. He said other people are profiting off of it. He said that's why he's in his parent's basement.
Gary asked who is profiting off of him. Hanzi said he has no idea. He said any place he walks into he knows this stuff is going on. Gary said if he drops him in the middle of Alabama no one would know who he is. He said he doesn't think he's nationally or internationally known. Hanzi said he can't win in this. Gary asked why he thinks he can't go anywhere without people knowing him. Hanzi said it's called gang stalking. He said people have secretly been messaging him about what's been going on with fucking with him and things like that.
Gary asked Hanzi if he thinks that people hear him get upset and they just fuck with him by telling him this stuff. He said it's just people tweaking him. Hanzi said this is all in his head. He said that he doesn't expect to uncover anything. He said he just knows how this works. Hanzi said he didn't choose to believe this stuff. Hanzi said people are making money off of him.
Benjy asked if he has anyone who says they genuinely like him. Hanzi said no. He said he doesn't even like being on this planet. He said that if he says he doesn't want to be there then he's even more nuts. He said he is always going to be the joke of the show. Gary said they have to move on but today he wasn't the joke. He said he was able to get an answer today and actually have a conversation. Jon and Gary thanked him for calling in and then went to break.
Gary asked when Ronnie saw Cher live last. Ronnie said it was probably 4 years ago in Las Vegas. He said it was a great show. Ronnie said he may not be around for her next local show. Gary said Cyndi Lauper is opening for her at some things. Ronnie said he may not be around for Cher at the Barclay center. He said that might be the night Howard is doing the Billy Joel thing.
Jon asked Ronnie if he listens to Cher music on his way to the show. Ronnie said he was in the hotel. He said he didn't listen. He didn't drive over. Gary said that he went to see Lady Gaga at Roseland and they were listening to her music on the way there. He said he wanted to see what her show was all about and he enjoyed it.
Jon asked Ronnie who his favorite singers are. Ronnie said it's probably The Beach Boys. Gary asked if he saw Mike Love at the birthday show. Ronnie said he didn't see him.
Gary said he's surprised that Ronnie isn't into country music since he's into NASCAR. Ronnie said that he is into some of that stuff. He said Stephanie is into the Beach Boys and some country too. Jon asked if she was a Beach Boys fan before she met him. Ronnie said she was. He said he was into the Beatles, the Monkees and all of that. Jon asked him what his favorite Beach Boys songs were. Ronnie said he doesn't know. He mentioned a couple when Jon started rattling them off.
Jon asked what it is about Cher that he likes. Ronnie said he doesn't know. He said he heard her stuff when he was a kid. He said he was actually the same age as them. Gary asked if he was bummed when Sonny died. Ronnie said it was pretty upsetting. Jon asked what songs he likes. Ronnie mentioned a couple and said he likes some of her new stuff. Jon asked if he just liked her look. Ronnie said it was that too. He said she was hot.
Jon asked Ronnie if he gets why Kathy Griffin is so protective of her relationship with Cher. Gary said she's friends with an iconic A-lister. He said she doesn't want that fucked up.
Jon asked if Ronnie would take the chance of going to dinner with Kathy if she might use him in her act. Ronnie said he wouldn't care. Gary said she will name names when she's on the show and she's shocked when Howard won't go out to dinner or go to her house. Gary said she's going to talk about you either way. He said he loves hearing about that but he doesn't want to be a part of it.
Ronnie said that they do the same thing there. He said that it's the same thing. Gary said he has an idea of how Howard is going to spin it. He said he wouldn't want Howard to be part of Kathy's act. Ronnie said he gets it there so he wouldn't care if he got it from Kathy.
Ronnie said going to a party is something you should be able to do without worrying about Howard finding out about it. He said that's not what it's like for everyone. Gary said it is though. He said if they worked at an office they'd have the same thing at the water cooler. Ronnie said that people tend to forget things by Monday if they party on the weekend. Gary didn't think that was the case.
Gary asked Ronnie about what the difference is between a work function and a party. Ronnie said if it's about business then it's a work function. He said if you're just out at a party then you're drinking and having fun. Jon asked what it is when they go to a steak house. Ronnie said that's a guy's night out. He said that was for Jon's birthday. Jon said it was not. Jon said they really had to take a break after that.
Jon took another call from a woman who said she understands what Ronnie is saying. She said that people who work together still talk about things that happen at parties that aren't for work. She said that they still talk about that guy who got drunk and danced on a table. She said that he did it at the other party but they still talk about him as being the guy who gets drunk and dances on a table.
Gary said there was a story about a guy who told a woman at a party to blow him or she was fired. She got fired the next Monday morning and she ended up suing and wining that case. Ronnie said he would have taken her out to the car at least. He said he wouldn't have done it at the party.
Jon got back to Kathy Griffin and brought up the story she told about how she was called ''dog'' for 8 years while she went to school. Gary said that's pretty brutal. He said it reminds him of ''Welcome to the Doll House.'' Jon said that can do some serious mental damage. Ronnie said that might be why her act is so vicious. He said she's taking it out on other people by attacking celebrities. Jon asked if that's what she should do or should she take it back. Ronnie said she should keep doing it.
Gary asked JD if he was picked on in school. JD said he was picked on a little bit. He said he was able to morph that into being invisible. He said he was able to be friends with all kinds of people. He said he wasn't too social but it was at school so there were people around all the time.
Jon asked JD if he had any nicknames there. JD said he was called Cheesy. Jon asked why he was called that. JD said they were doing auditions for some play and he said something and a girl said it was very cheesy and he said ''It's not easy being cheesy'' and it stuck. Jon asked if Ronnie had any nicknames. Ronnie said no. He said he didn't get picked on either. He said he was kind of in the bad crowd. He said he was in The Hitters in school. He said things were different there. He said that it was just different guys and girls. He said that the collegiate girls would stick with the collegiate guys but then once in a while they'd want to slip in with the bad boys. He said it's like of like West Side.
Gary said he got his ass kicked a bunch of times in school. He said he was kind of dweeby and a wise ass. Gary said he had a slot car track and he talked to this one guy about it. He said he thought he was his friend. He said that the kid threatened to beat him up if he didn't bring him 4 pieces of track. He said he ended up telling his mom and then the guy said he was going to beat his ass the next week.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked why they though that JD was either bullied or invisible. Gary said JD had told them that before so he had a clue.
Jon asked Benjy if he was bullied. Benjy said he was kind of a character and he kind of enjoyed that. Benjy said he was picked on. He said there were people who were completely harassed. He said he hopes he didn't pick on them but he might have.
Gary said he was voted most popular in school at one point. He said after he won it he was surprised at what dicks people could be. He said he didn't ask for the vote so he didn't know why they were giving him shit for it. Jon said he thinks he's going to wrap up the show now. He let the guys get in their plugs and then ended the show around 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about how someone told him that the Khaleesi won't do nude scenes on Game of Thrones anymore. Howard said she was naked and that's why everyone loved her. Howard said that she's boring now. Howard said he hasn't seen the first episode of the new season but he will. He said he hates that when someone pulls that. He said they get some success and they change the whole deal. Robin said they become a sensation on the show and they see that others don't have to do that.
Howard said he's been following the story about Reverend Al Sharpton and he doesn't want to get too deep into it. He said long story short he was an FBI informant on the mob. Howard said on the front page of the paper they were calling him a rat. Howard said he thinks the guy is a Rabble-rouser and he hates the Tawana Brawley stuff. He said if you're an informant he's not sure why they can't protect that fact. Howard said he's not sure why that stuff is top secret. Howard said he'd be shitting his pants if that news got out. Robin said that's a brave thing to do. Howard said it might be the only brave thing he's done.
Howard said the other thing is that if someone wears a wire against the mob they call him a rat. Howard said he's not sure why they're so vested in that. Robin said it's on the cover of the newspaper. Howard said it's not right that they call him a rat. Howard said he thinks that in the paper they're saying there was a drug deal that went bad and that he may have been doing business with the mob. Robin said he's claiming that h was in the record business and the mob was trying to muscle in.
Howard said it really disturbs him that they can't keep this a secret. He said they say the information is out because of the freedom of information act. Howard said he doesn't think that's right.
Howard said in general if someone wears a wire he wouldn't want that broadcast all over the place. Robin said she wouldn't want to see them called a rat either. Howard said he doesn't want to see this country turned into Mexico where being a rat is the wrong thing.
Howard said Rob Lowe and Danny Trejo are coming in today. Howard said he loves Danny as Machete. Howard said he was reading about him and he has a philosophy about acting where he says if they pay his day rate he'll be in anything. Howard said he was reading about how the next Machete movie will be in space. He said he loves that.
Howard said Eric the Actor has been very busy on Twitter cursing people out. Howard said that he is spending what might be his last week on earth doing that. Howard said he'd think that he'd want to have some fun instead of doing that.
Howard took a call from Little Mikey and said he has some of his new songs to play. Howard asked Gary where they were. Gary told him where it was and Howard played some of Mikey's new songs about Robin.
Mikey said he's been working on a station playing music and they're changing to a top 40 format. He said that the program manager says he's not ready for that. He asked what his advice for announcing would be. Howard said he knew guys in the business doing top 40 and he had a guy call him to say that their friend was doing top 40. He said this guy Lou had that morning radio voice and he couldn't figure out how he did it. Howard said there are some guys who just talk in their regular voice but there are others who put something on. Howard said he could never figure it out. Howard did an impression of what he thought it sounded like though. Howard said he wouldn't know how to tell him to approach that. Howard said he thinks you have to be brain dead to do that shit.
Mikey said they tell him he should be more up beat. Robin wanted to hear it. Mikey did his morning radio voice for her. Howard said he's glad he's not trying to make it in radio. Fred played Taps after Mikey did his thing. Howard did his impression of that voice and was really upbeat. Howard said you can't curse either on that station.
Mikey said that his program director told him he was friends with Howard. He said his name is Tom Collins. Howard said he doesn't know the name but he may know him. Mikey said they're going to keep him on the weekends there at the station. He said they sign off when the sun goes down though. He said they're working on getting a license where they can stay on longer. Howard said there's a whole system there where they only broadcast from sunrise to sunset. Robin said she used to work at one of those stations. She said she had to go to the town hall to find out who was arrested and to the hospital to see who was admitted. She said that's how small it was.
Howard said they did that for the small towns so you could get the broadcast signal from the big city stations at night. Howard said the whole business is depressing. He told Mikey not to get caught up with the music he's playing. He said that really doesn't matter. He said it's cool that he's on the air and announcing. He said he gets to work the board and all of that. Mikey said he feels he's getting better every week.
Howard said Mikey should take vocal lessons. He said he kind of mumbles. He said he doesn't finish his words either. Howard said he needs to get a little confidence going. Howard told Mikey to tell him off. Mikey told Howard ''Don't come in my room, mom!'' Howard said he was a little clearer there. Howard said he's better off than he was. Howard said he could barely get the words out. Howard told him not to feel defeated. He told him to just do his thing.
Howard said he was the worst and he went from the worst to first. Howard said people told him he was the loser's loser. Howard said he should have been cleaning the radio station and not on the air. Howard said he kept his giant nose to the grindstone and it worked out for him. He said he always knew in his mind what he wanted to do. Howard said if you work really hard at it he could be making $150-200 a week. Howard said that's considered a success story.
Howard said he could be fired at any minute. He said it's a great career to get into. He said you have to be crazy to get into it. He said he always loved radio. He said he thought it could be a sexy medium if you did it correctly.
Howard said that someone was trying to prank Michael Savage. He said he was just told his real name is Michael Wiener. Howard asked if the guy is embarrassed to be a Jew. Howard said he should come kiss his master's feet. Howard said everyone in radio knows that he's their master. Howard said he should be thanking him. Howard said you're irrelevant when you can't make a living. Howard said he lost the clip. He said if he's irrelevant in radio then everyone dreams to be as irrelevant as him. Howard said Savage isn't in the national dialog. Howard found the clip after JD told him where it was. Howard played the clip and Savage was taking calls about who the worst people in the country were. The caller threw out Lucas Dell'Abate and Robin Quivers names. Savage said he has no idea who he is. Then the guy threw out a Baba Booey. Savage asked if Howard Stern is still relevant. Howard said the guy is so embarrassed by his own name that he had to change it to Michael Savage. Howard said that's the worst radio name he's ever heard. Michael Savage was saying that no one has ever heard of Howard Stern and he ran out of wig makers. Howard said that makes no sense. He said he's a fucking moron. Howard said that's unbelievably unwitty. Savage was saying no one has ever heard of Howard Stern since he ran out of wig makers.
Howard said this guy is unrelatable because of things like this. Howard said when you say Howard Stern hasn't been heard from since he lost his wig maker he's just out of it. Howard said he should come clean about his name Michael Wiener. Howard said he's trying to hide that from everyone. Howard said he's praying to be the cool guy but he's not cool. Howard said the guy has the Jewiest name of Wiener and he's ashamed so he changed it. Howard said the guy just doesn't want you to know who he is. Howard said if you come clean then you can be a great broadcaster. Howard said if you change your name then your insecurities are right there on your sleeve. Howard said he thinks he's superman when he's Michael Savage.
Howard played more of the clip and Savage said Stern works for a satellite company that no one listens to. Howard said they have 25 million paying subscribers. Howard said that's not no one. Savage said that Howard Stern was hot in the 80s. Howard said he was hot in the 80s and 90s too. Robin asked when he's going to be hot. Howard asked how old Michael wiener is. Fred said he's 72. Howard said he's never going to be hot. Howard said the guy didn't make his mark when he was in his 20s. Howard said he didn't think to use radio the way he did. Howard said he went away because his wig maker went away. Howard asked what the theory is there. Howard said they seem to be making better and better wigs now.
Savage was talking about how he should make balloon animals that are dirty. Howard wondered what this guy is going to do in his retirement. Howard said he has met guys like this who are ashamed of being Jewish. Howard said their names are Jewish and they just make a big change. Howard said Savage is such a douche. He said he should be proud of being Jewish.
Howard said that whole strategy is so weak. He said that his whole audience sees right through it. Howard said he has never heard this guy's show before. He said that's the truth. Howard said he calls his show The Savage Nation. He said he likes Wiener Nation better.
Robin said that she was watching Chasing Maria and she saw Maria talking about how she used to dream about being on the Howard Stern Show. Robin said they were talking about the old days when they got together for the first time. Robin said it was amazing. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard came back and said he's excited that Machete is there. Howard said it's Danny Trejo. Howard said he has to take a look at this guy. Howard said this is crazy. He said he loves Machete. Howard said he has to soak this in. Danny said in 1993 or 94 Howard came to L.A. Howard said they put them on the air out there. Danny said L.A. hasn't been the same since.
Howard said he reads about his life and he's an inspiration. Howard said when you grow up the way he did... He said that he grew up in a shit hole. Howard said he really turned his life around. Howard asked if he believes in god. Danny said absolutely. Howard asked if he believes that it was divine intervention. Danny said his parents did the best they could. He said his pops believed that you could kick anything with hard work.
Howard when he was a little kid he was a sweet little kid. He asked how anyone could beat a child. Danny said it was a different time. He said in the 40s and 50s you beat your kids. Howard said not everyone did. Danny said he can't put it on his mom and dad. He said he had an uncle who was a dope fiend and a robber. He said he was his mentor. He said he always had a wad of money in his pocket. He said his uncle was 6 years older than him. Howard said his parents saw him falling into a bad crowd. He said his parents would see that and come down and choke him. Danny said that's right. Howard said his dad should have intervened and saw that his uncle was a bad dude and stopped him from hanging out with him. Danny saw him with money and that inspired him.
Danny said that his uncle was his dad's youngest brother and he was a great robber. Howard said it's too bad that his uncle ended up getting his degree in prison. Howard said he has met con men who can get a job anywhere. He said that they're fucking geniuses. He said that they can't play it straight though. Howard said they always get outsmarted.
Howard said he finds what he did wit his life inspirational. Howard said at the age of 10 Danny hit a girl with a bat accidentally. Danny said they were playing a game where you roll a bat and hit it to grab it. He said he hit the girl with the bat accidentally and they said he did it on purpose. He said the police were coming so he ran. He was in Juvenile Hall so they could scare him. He said that he just started going there. He said it was the scariest place he had ever seen. Howard said if he kept going there he was going to get his ass kicked. Danny said when you get into a fight and bite someone in the neck they'll leave you alone. He said you have to crazy fight. He said the higher up you go in prison the less you'll fight. He said that it's easier to get away with stabbing someone than it is to fight. He said you can sit and fight or just stab then and walk away.
Robin asked if he is saying he has stabbed someone. Danny laughed and said ''Uh, no.'' Howard asked if he just gives everyone anything or do you fight back. Danny said that you can pay your way out of things in prison. He said if he's doing life in prison he doesn't care who you are. Howard said he must have been one of the toughest guys in there. Howard said he was able to send home money for his family. Danny said his mom kept an account for him. He said they had a few guys that had a protection ring going so they were making money doing that. He said at one time they had 8 or 9 people they were taking care of. He said they had some gay couples that were married that wanted protection. Howard asked what he had to pay back then. Danny said it was a sliding scale. He said some guys had no money at all. He said they were willing to clean cells or do laundry so they were fine with that. Danny said that they would pay maybe 20 or 30 dollars. He said that's what they would get paid.
Howard asked Danny if he could get pussy in prison. Danny said no. He said you could get prison pussy. He said they didn't have female guards when he was there. He said that prison pussy is guys. He said he didn't get any of that but he jerked off a lot. He said they had people who would draw pictures and things like that. Howard asked if that's the hardest part of prison. Danny said it's not. He said the hardest part is not thinking about what's going on outside prison. He said that you can't get institutionalized inside your own head. Howard asked if you get more and more despondent when you think about that. Danny said that you have to sever that whole thing from the streets. He said your whole day attitude can be like set on if you got a letter or not. He said you don't want people to have that power.
Howard asked if he asked people not to visit or write. Danny said his cousin has done 34 years. He said he did second degree in 1980. He said he goes to visit him. He said that they're trying to get him out and they're appealing the governor denying his parole. Robin asked how much more he's supposed to do. Danny said California has more people in prison than some countries do. Danny said his cousin is in from 5 to life so it's at their discretion.
Howard said Danny is his favorite actor with Machete. Howard said they have to get to his new movie too. That movie is ''Bad Ass'' with Danny Glover. Howard said he's also on Saint George with George Lopez. Howard said he was just up there yesterday recording something for them. Howard said George is a good dude. Robin said she loved Danny on Breaking Bad too. Howard said his head was on that turtle in Breaking Bad.
Howard said Danny went into prison and his uncle would drive around with him and figure out how to rob a store. Howard said he was so brilliant that he'd go in and set off an alarm just to see how they reacted. Danny said he had a friend who did the same thing. He said his name was Eddie Munker. He said that he wrote some books and did a movie.
Howard said Danny served his time and he didn't care about being caught anymore. He joined gangs and he was such a bad ass that he got thrown out of a gang. He was too much for the gang. Danny said they were a car club and everyone in the gang had been thrown out of some neighborhood. Howard said this is the highlight of his life. Howard said just imagine that you're so bad in a gang that you're kicked out. Danny said there are only 3 of you and you're drunk and decide to do something that's not the brightest. Howard said he would go into a party and try to beat the shit out of everyone. Danny said that's it. Danny said he's not sure why he did that. He just laughed.
Howard said Danny's parents were the worst. Danny stopped him and told him that his mom was the light of his life. He said that she never gave up on him. He said that she stayed in touch with him when he was in prison. He said his dad wanted him to graduate high school so he could go to work with him doing construction. He said that college wasn't even in their lives. Howard said at the same point someone who beats you into submission isn't good for you. Howard said Danny has said that he wasn't happy, ever, when he was a child. Danny said he was happy when he was with his uncle or when he was fighting with guys. He said his happiness was different than other people's is.
Howard said Danny stopped listening to his parents when he was only 13. He said he never said that to his dad though. He had just stopped listening to his dad. Howard said Danny would go into a party and just pick a fight. Howard asked how many guys he'd fight with. Danny said he'd just start fighting. Danny said if there are 10 or 11 people you have an advantage because they're all trying to get to you at once. He said someone is going to get hurt. Howard said he had an advantage because they'd get in each other's way. Danny said that's it.
Danny said his jaw is fractured and he had to go to the doctor. Howard said that's one of the most painful things ever. Danny laughed and said he's on Ibuprofin. Howard asked what happened to break it. Danny said he fell. He said there was a dresser that was knocked down and he fell. He said they x-rayed it and they said it's fractured but not displaced. Howard said it's unbelievable how tough he is.
Howard said it's a miracle that Danny is alive. Howard said they used to have car to car shoot outs. Danny said that they did. He said the best hand gun in the world is a 38 special. He said that's what they were using back then. Howard said now they use automatic weapons. Danny said things are different now.
Howard said Danny got into heroin dealing with his uncle. Howard said he used to carry balloons in his mouth for his uncle. Danny said his uncle would walk ahead of him in the park and he'd carry the balloons in his mouth. He said his uncle would get the money and then he'd give the heroin. He said that they were shooting a lot of their profits though. Howard asked if he was a fiend. Danny said the worst heroin dealer in the world is a drug addict.
Howard said Danny was a boxer in prison. Danny said that he was his dad's sparring partner or punching bag depending on how you look at it. Howard said he was a lightweight and welterweight champ in prison. Danny said that Mexicans don't understand what an exhibition is. He said that they bet money on you not knowing what it is. He said that he has to tell the guy to either go for it or he has to surprise him.
Howard said he could have been heavyweight champion of the world. Danny said he wanted to be the welterweight champ of San Quentin. He said that he'd rather shoot for the moon and miss than shoot for the gutter and hit.
Howard asked about his prison time after a drug arrest. Danny said he was not an honorable drug addict. He said he switched out heroin for sugar. Howard asked how they nailed him for the heroin if he had sugar. Danny said that they said he was defrauding the government. He said he was supposed to do 6-10 and he did 5 years.
Howard asked about the tattoos he has and what's on his cheat. Danny said he has a Mexican lady with a sombrero on his chest. He said he knew this guy Harry the Jew since he was a kid. He said that the guy did the outline of the tattoo in prison and Harry told him not to let anyone touch it when he got transferred. He said that Harry ended up getting transferred too. He said that he showed up and did more of the tattoo. He said that Harry asked him to wait for him to finish it somewhere else. He said he waited for him there. Danny said Harry hated this tattoo. He said he became a well known tattoo artist and he always hated the on he did on his chest because it was his first. He said he's know Harry since he was 14 years old. Howard said he must have been the only Jew in his neighborhood. Danny said there were a few dropouts in there.
Howard asked if he ever spent time in solitary. Danny said he did. He said that he went in from May to August of 1968. Howard asked how many years of his life he spent in prison. Danny said a total of about 10. He said the only regrets he's had are hurting people. He said he had to do what he had to do. He said whatever made him what he is today is what made him. He said that's fine.
Howard asked what solitary means. Danny said you have to go crazy to keep from going crazy. He said he can make himself crazy to keep Howard from making him crazy. Danny said what you do is like what he did. Danny said he remembered the Wizard of Oz and that was his favorite movie. He said he would reenact the whole thing in prison. He said he would do the scene where the witch tells Dorothy to give her the shoes. Danny said when a guard would walk by he would be singing ''We are the lollipop kids...'' Howard said that's wild that he remembered that in prison. Danny said he also remembered the Hunchback of Notre Damme.
Howard asked if he has ever been psycho analyzed. Danny said he has. He said he saw a doctor so many times that he had a whole form to fill out and if he saw one thing checked off he would call him in. Danny said that the guy told him that there was no psychiatrist who could help him unless he got off drugs. Danny said it was easier to get off drugs when you're in solitary.
Danny said there was a riot on Cinco de Mayo. He told Howard why it happened. He said they ended up getting into a fight and that got him thrown into solitary. He said that this was just a bunch of Mexicans fighting and it wasn't whites versus the Mexicans like it usually was.
Danny said he once threw a rock at a group. He said the rock allegedly hit a guard in the head. Howard asked if his parents ever visited him in prison. Danny said they did not. He said his mother wrote to him though. Danny said this was his step mom actually. He said his dad took him when he was 3 and he didn't see his real mom that much. He said he met his real mom in 1965 in the county jail. Danny said he was about 19 around that time. He said she came to visit him and his mom saw it in the paper that he had been arrested. He said she was trying to get in touch with him but his dad kept her from seeing him. Howard said this is some story. He said this should be the next Machete. Danny said when he threw that rock that's a gas chamber offense. He said there were three of them who had these offenses. He said that he made a deal with god to let him die with dignity. Danny said he remembers seeing a movie where a guy died in the gas chamber and he went out screaming crying. He said he didn't want to do that. Danny said he was afraid if dying poorly but not of dying. Danny said dying would have been a way out for him. Howard said he is one tough mother fucker. Danny said he made this deal with god to do that. He said he thought it was just for a couple of years. He said that the officer said that the rock was thrown by ''one of the three guys'' so the D.A. rejected the case. Danny said he came back out and thought that he made this deal and he had to uphold it.
Howard gave Danny a plug for this movie ''Bad Ass 2: Badasses'' that's out now on DVD and Blu-Ray. He said they'll talk more about that later.
Danny told Howard about a guy getting stabbed and how he was near there when it was happening. He said he had to get away from that and got back to his cell. He said he got into his cell and he still had the dominoes from the game they were playing. He said he had just seen a guy get stabbed and he kept the dominoes. Danny said he wondered what he was becoming. He said that he showed the guys his dominoes and some guys told him he was fucked up for holding on to them. Howard said he's so hardened that he didn't care the guy was getting stabbed and held on to his dominoes. Howard asked why the had to kill the guy on top of the game. Danny said that's it. He wondered the same thing.
Howard said he was smart and buried $15,000 in his mom's back yard. Danny said he hid it from the feds. He said he shouldn't have said that though. Danny said they buried some guns back there too. He said he had a hand grenade too. Danny said his mom was telling him about how his dad was going to put in sprinklers in the yard and he told her not to let them do that in the back yard. Howard said he had 15 grand in the yard when he got out of prison. Danny said he had more money from the protection racket.
Howard asked if he held up a store with a grenade. Danny said he did. He said they listen to you when you have a grenade. He said you don't have to do much. Danny said he had a sawed off shotgun that worked very well too. He said that you don't have to worry about someone not cooperating with you when you're holding that gun.
Howard said Danny's uncle ended up dying. Danny said he overdosed and died. Danny said all of the guys he's mentioned today are dead now. He said they all died in robberies and things like that.
Howard asked if it haunts Danny and he has nightmares. Danny said he really doesn't. He said he thinks he's moved past that.
Howard said Danny got out of prison and he made this pact with God. Danny said he was working with a guy who had a wrecking yard. He said that he was working with that guy and another guy. He said they were best friends and this one guy was his sponsor. He said he was at the wrecking yard and out of prison by about 4 months. He said then his uncle got out. He said he was all straight going to AA and NA meetings. Danny said he had an apartment finally. He said his uncle pulled up in a new Lincoln just days after getting out of prison. He said he showed up in new pants and shoes and a tailored shirt. Danny said his uncle asked him what he was doing working there. Danny said he looked like a mess from the wrecking yard. Danny said his uncle put two quarter ounces of heroin on the desk with $1000. He said that he told him he couldn't do this shit anymore. Danny told his uncle that he just couldn't do it. He said he took the heroin to the back and thought about it. He said Frank Russo came back and told him to just wait. Howard said Uncle Gilbert was like the devil. Danny said he did what he knew. He's the one who died of a drug overdose. Howard said he was representing Satan in his life. Danny said for the life that he lived he was perfect.
Howard said if he was still alive he'd be up his ass. Danny said his uncle saw him. He said he ran a rehab for a while. He said that his uncle worked there for a while until he got back on the drugs. He said that's how strong that addiction can be.
Howard said Danny wanted to get into professional fighting but they didn't let him in because he was a criminal. Danny said he was a part of one of the first MMA fights.
Howard said Danny got involved in AA and NA. Danny said he was sober and clean from 1968 to 1985. He was going to meetings and he was a drug counselor. He said he was working with dope fiends and all of that. Then in 1985 he got a call from a kid who he was sponsoring. He said he asked him for support. Danny said he thought he worked in a warehouse. He said he went down there and it turns out it was the movie set of a movie he was working on. Danny said that he walked onto the set of the movie and he thought it was the cutest thing ever. He said this guy asked him if he wanted to be in the movie. He said they asked if he wanted to be an extra and act like a convict. Danny said he said he'd give it a shot. He said he took off his shirt to change shirts and the guy saw his tattoo. He said that this guy knew him from prison and came over to talk to him. He said he was the writer guy. He said this guy Eddie Bunker used to plan robberies with his uncle. Danny said that he would sell robberies to people and his uncle bought one from him. Danny said you can see a scene like that in the movie ''Straight Time'' with Dustin Hoffman. Danny said that they used to rob poker games. He said that they could get 50 grand out of doing something like that.
Danny said that Eddie asked him if he was still boxing. He said they needed someone to train one of the actors to box. He asked what it pays and they said $320 a day. He said Eddie told him that the guy was kind of high strung and it turned out to be Eric Roberts. He said he started training him for the boxing. He said Eric would do whatever he told him to do. He said this guy wanted him to be in the movie and fight with Eric. He said they had picked someone else to be in the movie but they took him instead. Howard said that's because he has that look. He said the guy was Russian and he kissed him on both cheeks. He said that he ended up asking for more money if he had to kiss the guy like that. He didn't know that it was just because he was Russian and that's what they do.
Howard asked Danny about Robert Rodriguez putting him in Machete. Danny said Robert started talking to him about that about 20 years ago. He said they were in Desperado together and they talked about it way back then. Howard asked if he's nervous on set at all. Danny said it's all fun. He said he's not nervous, he's excited.
Howard said it's great that he has this movie career going when so many other people have been working their whole life to be in movies. Howard said he was in prison while these guys were acting. Danny said he had a lot of great training in prison. He said you do a lot of acting in there.
Howard asked Danny about his wife and kids. Danny said that's not his wife. He said that's the mother of his kids. Howard asked if he would ever marry the woman. Danny said that his kids are like 23 now so no. Howard said he thinks he could be a good dad because his dad was so shitty to him.
Howard said Danny Glover is one of the greatest actors of all time and Danny is in this ''Bad Ass'' movie with him. Danny said that he gets excited watching him act. He said that they had a good time doing that movie. Howard asked if ever goes to some famous guy's house and thinks about robbing it. Danny said that you automatically think about that stuff. Howard said that's some fucking story he has.
Howard asked if he stated smoking pot at the age of 8. Danny said that he did. He said his uncle got him started. Howard asked if someone did that to his kids would he get upset. Danny said it takes a lot to disrespect him.
Danny said he has a 1936 Dodge Touring Sedan that he wouldn't sell for anything. He said he keeps his life pretty simple. He said he has a big house though. He said that he has a guy named Max Martinez living with him. He said he has Mario Martino living there too. Howard asked where he lives and if it's a white neighborhood. Danny said that it's Mission Hills and it's about 5 miles from the place he grew up. He said his daughter has the house that he grew up in.
Howard asked if he hangs out with George Lopez and Santana a lot. Danny said he hangs with George a lot but not Santana.
Howard asked if he has a girlfriend. Danny said he doesn't. Danny said he's with his kid's mom. Howard asked if he has banged everything on the planet. Danny said he has tried it all. Howard asked if he has a big cock. Danny laughed. He said it's the size of a forearm. He said Machete has a Machete. Danny said there's a scene in the movie where a girl asks if that's a machete in his pocket.
Howard said Danny is a real man. Danny said he's a mama's boy. He said his step mom died when he was in London doing the Muppets. He said that this guy who is his bodyguard came into his room and had to break in to let him know his mom passed away. He said he was hugging the guy on the bed in the room. He said the bellman came in and he said he thought the bellman thought they were going to kiss. Danny said his bodyguard stayed with him the night. He said that he made arrangements to go home and he called his Mary to let him know he was coming home. He said she told him not to come home. Danny said he wanted to take care of everything. He said she told him to stay. Danny said he just shut down. He said he was really out of it. Danny said that they thought he had no emotion at all. He said his mom must have gotten pissed in heaven. He said that she sent Kermit to him and when he came in and said he was sorry about his mom he started balling.
Howard asked if there is a better feeling than beating the shit out of someone. Danny said it's a power and it's not great. Howard asked if he has ever knocked someone out. Danny said he has. He said the rush you get is from adrenaline.
Howard gave Danny some plugs for ''Bad Ass 2: Badasses'' and said it was great meeting him. He said he loves the Machete movies. Danny said he appreciates that. Howard asked if they have started shooting the Machete in space movie. Danny said not yet. He said he has to tell Robert they want to see it. He said they shoot those things in like 29 days. He said that Mel Gibson takes people into space and that's who he'll be fighting.
Howard asked if Danny thinks that Steven Seagal can really fight. Danny said he can. He said the one who can really fight is Chuck Norris.
Howard gave Danny some more plugs and wrapped up with him. Danny said that he has loved Howard since 1993 or so. Howard said he loves him too. He thanked him for coming in. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Rob Lowe is there. Howard said he hasn't seen him in years. Howard said he still looks the same. Howard said Rob has a book out called ''Love Life'' and they'll talk about that soon.
Howard said Rob recently said that good looking people get discriminated against. Howard said he gets what he's saying. Howard said some people are so good looking that they don't get considered for certain roles. Rob said he was referring to that exactly. Rob said he has been told no doctor looks like him. He said he has been told that he can play an arrogant asshole though. Howard said he knows heads of companies who have said that they don't want someone so good looking around there. Howard said he may have said that himself. Rob looked around at the staff to make sure he was telling the truth.
Rob said it's been so long since they've been face to face. He said on Parks and Recreation Amy Poehler and Adam Scott are always talking about the show. He said he had to do the show so they'd be talking about him over there.
Howard said that he loves Danny Trejo and Rob's life is just as interesting. Howard said he's going back to his childhood and looking at how crazy it was. Howard said he grew up with Charlie Sheen, Robert Downey Jr. and others. Rob said it was Sean Penn, Chris Penn, Holly Robinson Peet and more. Rob said it was a strange time. Howard asked about growing up with Charlie Sheen and how he wasn't a wealthy kid himself. Rob said that Malibu was just regular people when he was growing up. He said that they might get someone famous but they'd be a whacked out rock star who would be wandering the highway.
Howard asked if it was crazy being around Charlie Sheen. Rob said that Charlie got a BMW for his birthday and he was blown away by that. Howard asked if he was jealous of that. Rob said it just made him want to work harder.
Howard asked why Charlie went to school with a bullet proof vest. Rob said you'd have to ask Charlie about that. He said he remembers it and wrote about it in his book. He said Charlie liked the vest and Polo cologne. He said that he thought it was awesome. Howard asked if he thought it was the greatest kid ever. Rob said he did. Howard said he thinks that Charlie kind of killed his greatness with his problems. Rob said that he and Charlie could spar over their sobriety. He said he's been sober for 20 years and Charlie just doesn't believe in that. Howard said Rob was on the road to ruin. Rob said he was on the slow track to ruin which is worse than the fast track. Rob said he admires a guy who can live the life he wants to. Howard asked if he really does. Rob said that he thinks it's great that you can hop on a Gulfstream and just go do what he wants to. Howard said it seems like a life out of control. Rob said that's a different life than he could lead.
Howard asked Rob how bad he was when he was at his worst. Rob said Monday night football was his downfall. He said he was always very social and fun but he never knew when to stop.
Howard asked if Rob knew that Sean Penn wanted to be an actor. Rob said he had been doing theater when he was a kid in 1976. He said no one there in Malibu was an actor. He said he was acting at the age of 8 though. Howard said he had a career going until he graduated high school. Rob said he was a kid on a sitcom at 15 on ABC. Howard said he must have been a big deal in school. Rob said his life at school changed over night. He said that part of the industry was different back then. He said it was strange for a kid to be on TV. Howard said he thins he lost his virginity at 14. Rob said he did. Howard said he would have loved to have lost it at that age. Rob said it was a birthday present. He said this girl invited him over for a home cooked meal. He said she was 18 years old. Howard said that's where it's good to be good looking. Howard said this girl is 18 and this girl cooks him a meal. Howard asked if she was nude. Rob said it was almost as subtle as that when she handed him a condom as a gift. Rob said he had some experimenting before that but then he knew he had to throw down.
Howard asked if he regrets that whole thing. Rob said he does wonder what his whole perspective would have been if it had been his doing. Howard asked if he is angry at all. Rob said he is not. He said he wasn't planning on this but he had to get it together and get up to speed.
Howard said he remembers Rob being 15 and being on TV. He said then his agent sets him up on a date with Sarah Jessica Parker. Rob said she was his age and she was playing Annie on Broadway. He said it was a rarity to be that young and doing what they were doing. Howard asked if he was pulling down some good money. Rob said he was for a 15 year old. Howard asked if his parents pushed him into this. Rob said his mother was not a stage manager. He said she supported him in the most appropriate way. He said she didn't push him though. He said his dad was in Ohio and he spent his summers with him. He said that it was a sad situation. He said divorce is not a good thing. He said his mother remarried and he liked the guy she married. Rob said when he became a father he can't imagine not being around them.
Howard asked Rob if he thinks he was a father who didn't know how to be around his kids since he didn't have his father around. Rob said he was so driven and on his own that he had to learn it all on his own.
Howard asked if his parents suffer from being good looking. Rob said his dad suffers a lot. Howard said he's amazed by guys with charmed lives like Rob. Howard said he knew John F. Kennedy Jr. Rob said he was a great guy. He said that he was very charismatic. Robin said they were both afflicted with that condition of being good looking.
Howard said he can't imagine what it was like for Rob and JFK Jr. walking around single. Rob said he wrote a story about that. He said that he went up to John one night and asked what they were going to do that night. He said John wanted to go find some girls. He said he told him that he's JFK Jr. and the girls would just come to him.
Howard asked where Rob was when he found out that Kennedy had died. Rob said he had just gotten a pilot and John put him on the cover of George magazine. He said it was the last cover he made before he died. He said that was the last he saw of him. He said that it was a favor to him and a vote of confidence for the TV show he was doing.
Howard said Rob was supposed to be the star of the show that he was talking about. He said they had negotiated a salary for him and it was cut so he could just be part of it. Howard said that he figured his career would be back on track if he was in The West Wing. Then Martin Sheen was cast and he was kind of pushed to the side. Rob said he was supposed to be in the show in the background. He said he wasn't supposed to be front and center but he was so amazing that they put him right in the front. Howard said when it came to the second season they gave everyone a raise but Rob. Rob said he stayed on for another 4 years. He said he decided that he was worth at least what everyone else was worth so he parted ways with them. He said he wasn't bitter though.
Rob was joking about his affliction of being so good looking. He said that there are only 30 people in the whole world with this affliction. Howard said he really is a very good looking man. He asked if he worries about his looks. Rob said no. Howard asked if he would get Botox or anything like that. Rob said the first thing he'll do is get a boob job. Howard asked if he works out to stay good looking. Rob said he's been trying to be the best he can be since he was 8 years old. Howard said he doesn't want to hurt himself though. He said he must worry about getting caught up in that looks thing. He said he isn't allowed to have an off day. Rob said he likes that. He said he's going to use that for sympathy at home.
Howard said Rob knew Charlie Sheen in the neighborhood. Howard said Martin Sheen was whacked out too. Howard said he met him on Halloween one night. Rob said Halloween in his neighborhood was Lord of the Flies on meth. He said that guys would light car tires on fire and send them down a hill. He said that he had never met Martin Sheen before. He said he would walk around with a baseball bat and fatigues. He said that's how he kept the peace. Howard said he read that he jumped out from behind a bush and scared the kids. Rob said that's what he did and it just kept the peace.
Howard said Rob was going out with Sarah Jessica Parker. Rob said he brought a date with him to the date. He said he was a spastic so he didn't know. Rob said that Sarah was a great singer and a great performer.
Howard said he has had such a charmed life. Howard said he heard he went to hang out with Liza Minelli in her room. Rob said that he followed her luggage and just knocked on her door. He said he asked to see her and they let him in. He said he was maybe 11 years old at the time. He said she had a few and she got a knock on her door. Rob said Jack Haley Jr. answered the door and Liza was on the couch sprawled out. Howard said that story would define his whole life. Howard asked what they talked about. Rob said he doesn't remember much of it. He said it was just the three of them in the room.
Howard asked Rob about this TV show he did at 15. Rob said it was a family that lived with another family. He said the ratings were horrible so they wanted to rejitter it. He said they changed one family to a black family without explaining it to the audience. He said what was fun was that the new girl on the show was Janet Jackson. He said she had such a miserable experience on the show. Howard asked what that is. Rob said that it's when your creative vision isn't filled. He said there was infighting and things like that there. Rob said he was out of show business after that. He said he was waiting tables and going to school. Howard asked if he was depressed from that.
Howard said Rob's new book is out now. It's called ''Love Life''. Rob said he thinks Howard would love his Playboy mansion story. Howard didn't go for it. He asked if Rob's wife is upset about the sex stories he tells in the book. Rob said she doesn't like it. He said she's with him today and on the way over she was saying that what she likes about the book is how he told the stories. He said that he talks about how he was feeling and what it meant to him.
Howard said that he's amazed when a guy like him makes a connection with a woman like he did with his wife. He said that couldn't have been easy. Rob said he doesn't know about that. Howard asked if she thought she was going to tame him. Rob said she was the one who told him to change and then they'd talk. Howard asked if she was afraid to go out with him. Rob said he had to get sober or she never would have gone out with him. Howard asked about meeting her and if he knew she was the one. Rob said that all the girl has to do is ask what the plan is or she'll move on. He said that he guy won't want to lose it so they'll marry them.
Howard asked Rob about getting sober and how that worked. Rob said he had a few guys who helped him early on. He said that he had a great group in L.A. who helped. He said he never thought he'd have fun again. He said he thought he'd be a boring, lame guy. Howard asked if he ever fell off the wagon. Rob said he never did. He said that he had a hard time on New Year's Eve but that was about it.
Howard asked Rob about writing this book. Rob said that he wrote about going to the Playboy Mansion at 19 years old. He said that's something not everyone can experience. Howard asked why he didn't bang anyone at the mansion. Rob said he didn't say he never did. Howard said this is the one time he didn't. Rob said he was meant to meet a girl in the grotto. He said that back then it was great and not like it is today. He said he waited out there for the girl and she didn't show up. Rob said he was waiting for her naked. He said through the mist he made out a naked girl. He said this girl was prettier. He said he was talking to her and having a conversation with her. He said sometimes she'd make a noise like something was happening to her. He said he just played it off. Rob said he started looking around if there was an EMT nearby. He said they talked for a long time and then he saw a big ebony hand around her waist. He said that she was getting it on and he was behind her the whole time. He said the guy didn't even care. He said the guy looked at him and gave him the Wassup look.
Howard said Rob also didn't bang Madonna and he finds that interesting. Rob said he loves quotable people. He said that he wrote about that because what she said was so interesting to him. He said she told him that she wasn't going to let success fuck up her fun.
Howard asked why he didn't have sex with her. Rob said he doesn't remember much of what went on back then. He said Madonna may not remember it either.
Rob said the teenager he was, was a nerdy actor. He said people probably thought he was gay. He said the cool chicks thought he was a dweeb. He said that's his inner teenager. Rob said he doesn't feel like that guy. He said he's the guy who couldn't sit in the cool part of the bus in high school.
Howard gave Rob a plug for his book and said he'll be signing copies at the Barnes and Nobel on 5th ave today.
Howard asked about Rob getting the job in The Outsiders. rob said that he was told to wait from 15 until he was 18 because that's when they hire kids to work as younger kids. Howard said he went in on the audition for Francis Ford Coppola. He said Tom Cruise, Mickey Rourke, Scott Baio and others were there for the audition too. Rob said they were all there and they were there for the audition and saw the auditions. He said Francis had just bought the studio and they were on an open sound stage. Howard asked if he was nervous. Rob said he saw everyone there and he was so nervous. Howard asked if they would ridicule people. Rob said it was deadly silent if someone didn't do well. Rob ended up getting the movie. Rob said he did. Howard said that had to be a big boost to him. Rob said he survived the competition and he was going to be in this movie. He said that was the shocking thing.
Rob said Tom Cruise was auditioning for his role of Soda Pop. He said Tom stopped himself and said that this wasn't working for him. He said that speaks to who he is. He said that guy is killer. He said that he has a sense of who he is and he's driven. He said he doesn't suffer those insecure foibles. Rob said he thinks the guy is amazing.
Rob said he ran into Ralph Macchio there at Sirius. He said he loves to talk to those guys. He said he thinks Ralph is a really happy guy and he thinks he's lucky with his life. Howard said he didn't get that second wind that Rob did though. Rob said that's fine because he's the most happy and well adjusted guy.
Howard said Rob got cut out of The Outsiders. Rob said they did and he still hasn't recovered from that. that led to Rob talking about how Matt Dillon is the master of closing with a girl. He said he's like his Obi Wan Kenobi of pussy.
Howard asked Rob about doing the TV show with Jewel where he was supposed to have a passionate kiss. Howard said he knows Jewel now. He asked why she didn't kiss him. Rob said he wasn't sure what was going on. He said that she was supposed to do it but her boyfriend at the time was there so maybe that had something to do with it.
Howard asked Rob about auditioning for the Footloose movie. Rob said he blew out his knee auditioning. He said he read the script and thought he had to have the role. Howard asked how he prepared for dancing. Rob said he took lessons for a month before the audition. Rob said he ended with a big running slide on his knees. He said they had a mass audition and there were like 10 guys doing it at the same time. Robin sad they do that with dancers. Howard said as a non actor he's thinking about going in with all these guys and how frightening it must be.
Gary came in and said that Rob has to go. Howard said he didn't even get to the story about Roman Polanski loading up a room with girls. Rob said that's why he had to write two books. Howard asked how long it took to write this book. Rob said he wrote while working on a couple of TV shows and other things. Rob said he wrote about the things that stayed with him and that's why they're in the book. Howard said it has to be difficult to remember with the life he's had. Rob said there are things you remember no matter what.
Howard asked about the Polanski story. Rob said he was going to audition for a movie called Pirates. He said the guy who took his spot in the movie looked just like him. He said he was a French guy. Howard said Polanski had a room full of 15 girls and he told Rob to take his pick. Rob said he was 18 years old and he was Roman. He said he's interesting. He said there were 20 amazing models in the room. He said he didn't know how to close and he was talking to one and then another. He said he saw Roman getting agitated. He said Roman told him to make up his mind or he'd end up jerking off. Rob said that was the best advice he ever got.
Howard said Rob was also on a plane that the hijackers did a test run on. Rob said that he was coming out of Washington DC. Howard said he has to come back and talk about that and other things. Robin said she liked him in the Liberace movie. She said that was the best. Howard said that was inspired. He said he played the surgeon. Gary said that they are freaking out back there. Howard wrapped up with Rob and let him go. They went to break after that.
Howard read some email after that. He said that someone said he should come out dressed as Hannibal Lecher on AGT so he doesn't have to talk to the other judges. Howard said he actually likes talking to them. Howard read another email from someone who had some suggestions for replacing David Letterman. He had a bunch of names including Iron Man. That led to Howard saying that Jon Favreau could direct. Howard said Jon has a new movie out called Chef. He said he figured he'd give him a plug since he was so good to him. Howard read an email asking how he'd feel with Nick Cannon being the replacement. Howard said he'd be fine.
Howard read an email about how he should be done with Hanzi on the show since he doesn't add anything to it anymore. Howard said that he got some mail about Jeff Van Gundy and what he was saying about him yesterday. Howard said he got a lot of hateful emails about that. He said that the guy is beloved by the faithful Knick fans. Someone said that he shouldn't have gone off on him as much as he did over such a passing statement. Howard said he gets passionate when someone insults him. Howard played a clip of some announcers talking about a game and one of the guys asking them not to say anything about the celebrities there. Howard said they should keep that in mind.
Howard said that someone told him to keep going to therapy after that. Howard said he brought that up at therapy. He said you think he was going off there. Howard read a few more comments from the fans of Van Gundy. Howard said someone said that he does know about being number one but Howard said he really doesn't.
Howard got in a plug for the Billy Joel Town Hall he'll be hosting on April 28th. Howard said they're going to have a party. Howard said they'll have it on Howard 100, 101 and on the Billy Joel channel. Howard said they're going to have some famous singers come in and cover some Billy Joel songs. Howard said it should be a lot of fun.
Howard got in some plugs for the shows they have on Howard 101 today. Howard said they had Iron Sheik on Leiberman Live last night. Howard played a clip of Jon Leiberman asking Sheik about Oscar Pistorius and Sheik went off on the guy. Howard said they asked him some questions and Sheik had no idea what they were talking about. Howard said they got dead silence from him. Howard played another clip where Sheik said ''I don't know'' when he was asked if they will ever find the missing Malaysian airline. Leiberman asked Sheik about Russia and the Ukraine and Sheik didn't have an answer for him. Howard said that's some show. He said they have to limit it to 15 minutes or your head would explode.
Howard picked up on Hanzi saying he didn't have time to talk to him today. He said he'll get him some other time. Hanzi was sleeping so Howard hung up.
Howard took a call from Tommy in Malden who said that Ellen Degeneres was kissing Rob on her show. Howard said the guy is good looking that she thought she could be with him. Tommy said the guy is so good looking but he's got to be pushing 60. Robin said she thinks he's in his 40s. Tommy said he's got to be in his 50s. Howard said he's exactly 50.
Howard took a call from Balls who said Danny Trejo was great and an inspiration. He said Rob Lowe was good too. He said he was in a show called The Specials which they should check out. Howard thanked him for the call and had Robin start her news.
Robin said Howard was a fan of the Archie comics. Howard said he wasn't a big fan but he can name the characters. Howard rattled them off for Robin. Robin said that they are killing off Archie. She said that the high school kids will continue but they're going to make Archie old and kill him off.
Robin said that Sean Penn's daughter is just about nude in the paper today. Howard said she's naked with just a pocketbook covering her vagina. Howard said that's Dylan Penn. Howard said she looks good. Robin said she posed for an erotic photography magazine.
Robin read a story about some family that's suing an old age home for having a male stripper there. Robin said that the women hired the stripper though. She said it's not the nursing home's fault. Howard did a live commercial and then went to break.
After the break Howard said he saw that the Ultimate Warrior died. Howard said he was at some big WWE thing and he just dropped dead. Howard said JD is freaking out about that. Howard said JD said that he left a huge impression on him as a kid. Howard asked JD if he wanted to come in and say something about him. Robin said she wants to know what impressed him. JD came in and said he was a great wrestler. He said his character was great. He said he'd come into the ring and shake the ropes. He said Hulk Hogan was great too. Howard said you'd think being a wrestling fan would get him girls. JD said he was very entertaining. He said he was probably the best that ever existed. Howard said he sounds like the Ultimate Loser when he talks about wrestling. Howard said he doesn't know many people who are into professional wrestling. JD said he wanted to wrestle and his name would have been Strong Man. Fred was playing some Danny Trejo laughs during that discussion. Howard said JD picks names that are the complete opposite of what he is. Da Bad Ass and Strong Man. Howard said he should have been the Ultimate Mumbler or Inarticulate Man.
Howard took a call from a woman who wasn't getting to the point of her call so he hung up on her. Howard said the call was dragging. Robin said it went nowhere. Robin wondered why a person would call with nothing to say.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he enjoyed that Danny Trejo interview. He said that he thinks Howard enjoyed it even more. Howard said he loves Machete. He said he loved the name of the movie and then he saw it. He said it's like James Bond and he's killing everyone and the women are all in love with him. He said it's so absurd that it's great. Howard said Robert Rodriguez is brilliant. He said he went and created this character who is a Mexican bad ass. He said it's just inspired and he loves the guy. Howard said Danny has a great story too with his rags to riches story.
Robin said she thinks Howard would really like the Dave Clark Five documentary. She said that she caught it and it was really good. Robin said they had an incredible urn of hits and then they disbanded. Howard said they came right after the Beatles and there was always one kid who didn't like the Beatles but he liked the Dave Clark Five. Robin said that they have Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder talking about how brilliant the band was. Robin said the only one who comes off kind of wacky was Gene Simmons who was in full make up talking about how they were inspired by the band. Robin said one of the things that was incredible was a musical that Dave Clark wrote called Time. Robin said he worked with Freddy Mercury and you see him talking about working with Dave on the songs. Howard said he would like to see Dave Clark Five Vs. Machete.
Robin said there's a story in the paper about a North Korean guy being executed by a flame thrower. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about the Mickey Rooney estate fighting over his body. Robin said his estate has gone down to $18,000 though so there isn't much to fight over. Robin said he had just 18 grand. Howard said that's the way to go. Robin said his sole heir was a step son. Robin said he disinherited all of his children. Howard said he'd love to have Mickey's head right there in the studio. He said he could dress him up like Andy Hardy. Howard said he could put Gary's talk box in his head so it looks like Gary is talking out his head. Howard said he had a human skull on his desk for a while but he couldn't stand it anymore. He said that guy lived and he had a family. Howard said he had to get rid of it.
Howard said they have a new super buzzer on AGT this season. He said if you hit it you can save someone. He said if the judges vote someone out you can save the person. Howard said that the buzzer is crazy. He said it's more than the regular buzzer. Robin asked how it works. Howard said if you want to save an act that two judges have voted no to, you hit the buzzer. Howard said you can only use it once. Howard said he hasn't used it and neither has Heidi or Mel B. Howard said he's going to L.A. for 6 or 7 days of taping and he may use it out there. He said he gets very passionate about the show. He said he likes arguing with Howie. He said it's different with a girl though. He said he goes home sometimes and wonders if he just got into an argument over a juggler. Howard said that is the greatest show ever. He said a couple came out and threw knives at each other. He said he told them that it wasn't dangerous enough.
Howard took a call from a guy whose phone cut out when he was about to speak. Robin got back to her news and read about Oscar Pistorius still being on the stand. Howard said Beth watches the trial on her computer every day. Howard said it was about 4:30 in the morning and she was talking about how excited she was to watch. Howard said that he told her that he should admit what he did and just go to jail. Howard played some audio of Pistorius crying as he was talking about opening the door and seeing Reeva there. Robin said now the prosecution is questioning him. Howard said that should be good. He said he has some questions he'd ask the guy. Robin said she'd like to know why he was knocking down the door with a cricket bat if he thought someone was robbing him.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if you can change a name when you adopt a dog. Howard said you can if you don't like the name. Robin said that she wasn't allowed to change Leroy Brown's name. Howard said that's a great name. Howard told the caller he should call his dog Machete. The caller said he'll run that by his fiancee and see if that will fly. The caller asked if he's familiar with a show on the History Channel called Cryptid: The Swamp Beast. Howard hadn't but the guy said he plays a part in the show. He told Howard to check it out on the History Channel web site. The guy said that it's a scripted show. Howard told him to feel free to make that dog feel his own by renaming it.
Robin read a story about the missing Malaysian airlines and how they think they've heard more signals from the black box. Robin said they're in the same area that they were picked up before. Robin had some audio of an official talking about the search. Robin said they're still looking for some debris. Robin said the batteries may be going dead and the pings are not as powerful as they were.
Robin read about a shooting at Camp Lejeune. Robin had some audio of an official talking about how the situation is under control. Robin said that they say a guard killed another guard there on the base.
Robin read a story about a guy who spent 25 years in jail for a crime he didn't commit. Robin said he's 54 years old now. Robin said he didn't commit the crime and he stuck to that story. Robin said he claimed he was at Disney World at the time of the shooting. Robin said he was convicted because a witness claimed they saw him. Robin said the witness recanted but they left him locked up. Robin said they eventually found the receipt for the room showing that he was in Disney. Howard said that's the worst nightmare. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the guy from Chik-Fil-A who came out against gays is now saying that they have more restaurants opening that are open to anyone. Robin said that he must have realized he should stay out of politics. Howard said these guys just don't get it. He said they start mouthing off and they're dummies.
Robin read about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin going to a ceremony in the Bahamas. Robin said they say that they had a ceremony where they had their ''breakup moon.'' Howard said that's such happy shit he can't go there.
Robin said they say that Game of Thrones will have two more seasons. Robin said that she watched the series finale of Being Human and she didn't know it was the last show. She said the show has been canceled.
Robin had some audio of a new song from Jennifer Lopez and Pitbull. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show after that. They were done around 10:10am.
Gary said he doesn't understand wrestling at all. He said from the moment he heard about it he thought it was fake and stupid. He said he had a kid in his class who wasted a ton of paper making copes of wrestler pictures.
Jon said he was on board for wrestling early on. JD said he was into sports and it was sort of a sport. He said he thought it was real when he was a kid. He said that he realized it wasn't real and things started to change. Gary asked if he finds it odd when people get upset when people say that it's fake. Gary asked if people think it's real. JD said that they may know it's not real but they get upset about the way the outcome is of a story. Gary said he figure they were so stupid they don't know it's scripted. JD and Jon said they may know that it's not real but they get upset like someone would get upset when they kill off their favorite character on a TV show.
Jon said you accept the world that you're in when you're into wrestling. Jon asked what finishing move JD had. JD said he doesn't remember it. He said he may have had one but he doesn't know what it was. JD said the guy he was most afraid of was Killer Khan and he thinks he hid behind his dad when he walked down the aisle. He said he was afraid he was going to attack. JD said he kind of gave up on the wrestling thing when he was in grade school. Then he got back into it for a while. He said it died off again after that.
Jon asked why the Ultimate Warrior meant so much to him. JD said he was a good guy for the most part. He said he was crazy and he had the make up. He said it was the way he talked and things like that. He said it was awesome to watch.
Jon said he saw like 4 wrestlers in the airport on his way home from college once. He said he got so mad when he saw them eating together. He said he knew it was fake but he still got angry that they were hanging out together.
Gary said he did an appearance with Rowdy Roddy Piper and he was a really nice guy. He said people would yell stuff at him and Roddy would yell back and then turn into a normal person talking to him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he found it odd that they take bets on wrestling at sports bets. Gary said you can probably bet on who gets killed off on other TV shows too.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that wrestling is like a live action cartoon. He said you get invested in it as a kid. Then you become a teen and the reality part came around so you can stay with it. He said some people keep watching because they're afraid they'll miss something good. Gary said he gets that when he was a kid he was into the Banana Splits. He said then he outgrew it when he got older. He said that some people never outgrow Wrestling and he doesn't understand that. Jon said he and his dad used to watch and his dad would laugh at it but he still enjoyed it. Jon said he phased out of it a little bit but it's just fun. Jon said he can't explain it better than that.
Jon said Gary wrestled for real and that clouds his judgment a little bit. Gary said he did it for real and he's not sure what that stupidity is. Jon said they had to go to break after that.
Gary said you wonder how a guy who was that bad becomes so good. Gary said one of the things he said was that when you try to scare a kid and it doesn't work, that kid will never be scared again. Jon said that Howard loves prison stories too. Gary said he loves those and mob stories too. He said he could listen to those forever.
Jon said you wonder if anything ever scared Danny. He said when he was asked to act like a convict he thought he could do it. Jon said that it was just a great interview.
Jon took a call from a guy who said it was an amazing interview. He said it's the best this year. The caller also said he likes Danny on Sons of Anarchy. Jon said he is great on that show. Gary said he loves that he was the head on the tortoise in Breaking Bad.
Jon said that he wonders if that whole thing with his uncle ever goes away. Gary said if you take a child and put them in that environment you can't expect them to be anything else. He said that he's the unique one who got out of there.
Jon said when George Lopez was there he told them to ask him about that tattoo. Jon said they learned how the artist followed Danny from one prison to another to finish that tattoo.
Jon asked Ronnie how he felt about that interview. Ronnie said he didn't hear the whole thing but he loves that guy. He said that he loves that Machete movie.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she wanted to say that was a great interview with Danny today. She asked if they want to book them again right away or do they let it settle down. Gary said you don't want him back in 2 months but maybe in 6 months to a year. The caller said she could have listened to him for the entire show.
Jon said that the thing that kept Danny sane in solitary was reciting the lines from the Wizard of Oz. He said he has never gone to jail so he has no idea what that's like. He said he can imagine how difficult it must be. He said it sounds crazy. Gary said he wouldn't last a day in prison. He said he has spoken to some guys who have been to prison and they say that you have to go to the showers and you have to fight. He said if you don't fight then you're fucked forever. Gary said he doesn't want to be in that world. JD said he watches that Lockup show and that freaks him out.
Jon said Robin did that story about the guy who was locked up for 25 years. He said he cant imagine that. Gary said he remembers seeing a guy they called Maytag because he was the guy who would do all of your laundry if you told him to.
JD said he watched an HBO special about prison and that freaked him out. Gary said that they did a special about girls in prison and it was really rough. JD said that's called Beyond Scared Straight or something like that.
Ronnie said he's not going to prison so he's not worried about it. Gary said that you don't plan on going to prison. Gary said he always reads about DUIs and things. He said that if you fuck up then you're going to jail. He said that there are people who have accidents and they end up going to prison. Gary said that Robin read that story today about the guy who was imprisoned for something he didn't do. Gary said Ronnie could end up in something like that. Gary asked Ronnie if he got locked up would he do something to stop it. Ronnie said he might kill himself when he's out on bail or something. Gary said if you have a live sentence you don't get bail though.
Jon took a call from a guy who went off on Ronnie and told him to just answer. Ronnie started yelling at the guy and said he knows he doesn't have a job. The guy told him to get off his high horse and just answer. He said the last couple of weeks Ronnie has been flipping the fuck out. Ronnie said he's just answering the question. The caller said Ronnie is a fucking prick and no one wants to hear him. Ronnie goofed on the guy by doing an impression of him. Jon let the guy go so he could calm Ronnie down.
Jon asked Ronnie if he was into wrestling. Ronnie said he liked Haystack Calhoun. Jon got a laugh out of that. Ronnie said they had to pick up Andre the Giant once when he was driving for another company. He said he had to pick him up in a van and the van ended up tipping over. He said the guy was very unhealthy. Gary said he heard stories about where he lived and how he had to lay down on the floor to be driven anywhere.
Gary said when he first started working for the show he was hired to do a car show and he did it with Bruno San Martino. He said that Bruno looked at him like ''Who the fuck is coming here to see you?'' and he was thinking the same thing about Bruno. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said that Rob went from Ohio to Malibu and JD went from Ohio to there. He said that has to be quite different. JD said that the subway system freaked him out. He said he didn't think he'd be able to figure it out but he did eventually.
Jon said that Rob was so good on The West Wing and you can't blame him for leaving after you hear the story. He said that he had a good reason for leaving.
Jon said he thought that Matt Dillon story was great too. He said that he did 3 other movies to get Diane Lane. Gary said that in the first book Rob talks about the auditions he did for The Outsiders and things like that. Jon said he did say that with Ralph Macchio he wishes he had his life instead of what he has. Jon said that he took a while to get to the place he's at in his personal life. Gary said Rob's wife was up there too and she was very nice. Gary said he thinks that Rob cheated on her and she told him to go away and get his shit together. He did that and they have been together ever since.
Jon said Rob and Danny both went through their own rehab and they have stuck with it all this time. Jon said that it's easier said than done. Gary said that he thinks Rob was being too nice about Charlie Sheen. He said he thinks that Charlie Sheen will get sober eventually and he'll be deeply embarrassed by this time period.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he listened to Howard years ago when he was a shock jock. He said that he is the best interviewer now. He said you have to listen to him do his interviews these days. He said he goes from Dan Rather to Danny Trejo and you get so much information out of both. He said it's mind boggling to him. The caller said that Howard is the guy who should replace David Letterman. He said people who think Howard is way out there just haven't listened to him.
Gary said he doesn't think Howard could replace David Letterman. He said he can't do a 90 minute interview in that format. He said that Howard needs his own show on HBO or somewhere like that where it's unedited and unfiltered. He said that some interviews go 40 minutes and some go 90 minutes.
Jon said this week the guests were all over the place but in a good way. He said he really flexed his muscles with his interviewing skills.
Gary said one thing they didn't touch on with Rob today was about the Brat Pack. He said the group went out with a reporter and he did a hatchet job on them. Gary said that he heard that nickname and he thought it was a great one. Gary said that you have an idea of who was in the group but there are some people who were thrown in there.
Shuli said that Sour Shoes was calling his desk to get in on the show as all of the Brat Pack. He wanted to so impressions of them all.
Ronnie said that Playboy story was good too. Gary said he has been there and he was there for the DVD release of Van Wilder. He said there were about 70 guys there and about 2 girls. He said the girls are there from 7 to 11 and they're out of there as soon as it's 11 o'clock.
Jon asked Ronnie about being at the Playboy mansion. Ronnie said they were doing Howard's show there. Gary said the party to go to is the Halloween party. He said that's the one that they really want to be at.
Jon asked Shuli what he had in the Howard 100 News today. Shuli ran down a few stories they have coming up today. He mentioned one story about Bobo moving to Florida and how he's going to be selling some stuff and packing up his Howard shrine for the move. Gary wondered if he's selling any memorabilia that he'd want. Shuli said he's not sure he's selling any of that stuff. Gary said he'd like to know if he is. The rest of the guys got in their plugs and they ended the show around 11:00am.
Jon asked Benjy if he thinks people knowing what he's going through will change their outlook on him. Benjy said he hopes so. He said when you realize someone is facing mortality much sooner than others it makes you a kinder person. Jon said Eric has faced it all his life. Gary said this one seems pretty serious. He said he knows it's a big deal because someone in his own family has had it done. He said that it is open heart surgery.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Dan Rather. He asked Gary if he ever thought he'd see Dan in there. Gary said it was a dream come true for them. He said he got the book Dan wrote in 1975 or so. He said he thought he wanted to be Dan Rather and go around the world covering stories. Jon asked if he ever did anything like that. Gary said no. He said he worked for a radio station that broke stories that were big and he thought he wanted to do that stuff. He said he took a job at NBC working for the traffic reporter. He said that was his toe in the door. Jon said that's what you have to do and that's what you tell your kids. He said you get your foot in the door and prove yourself. He said you become well liked and move yourself up the chain.
Gary said that most people don't take a job at 22 and keep it the rest of your life. Benjy said they do there. Jon said that's a good point. He said almost everyone there was an intern on the show before. He said Will, Jason, Benjy, Steve, Sal, Richard and others have started there as an intern or a guest. Gary pointed out that Jon started out as a guest. Jon said once you get in there you can make things happen.
Gary said they like to hire within. He said if they find someone with talent and sensibilities then they want them there. Gary said if they see those two things they hire you and no one leaves because it's a great place to work.
Jon asked Benjy if he expected to be there a long time. Benjy said he was determined to get a job but he never thought he'd stay this long. He said he knew he could make it into a job though. He said that people told him that it doesn't happen there but it did.
Gary said he used to go out and smoke before he went to his car. He said Benjy would stand with him and ask questions about the show. He said this was when they were at K-Rock. He said he could see Benjy had an interest in knowing more about the show. He said it was great. Gary said those were some of the best times they had together.
Jon asked Benjy if he planed to leave when Gary did. Benjy said he guesses he did. He said he doesn't remember Gary smoking though. He said he remembers hanging out with him but not the smoking thing.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks Howard is one of the biggest celebrities out there. He said it's great when someone Howard admires walks in the studio. He said that he's awestruck and it's great. He said it's nice to see him get down to that level. Gary said Dan Rather has had a front seat to history. He said he has spoken to every president since Kennedy and he's been there for everything. Gary said there aren't many people like that left. Jon said that people learned their news from him too. He said the thing that fascinated him about Dan Rather is that he didn't get the respect that others did. He said Walter Cronkite and others never gave him the credit. Gary said some of those anchor guys weren't out there doing it like Dan Rather was. Jon said Anderson Cooper is out there doing that. He said he goes out and gets the story and puts himself in harm's way. He said Dan even said that he respected him for that. Jon said maybe the other reporters just don't get to do that.
Gary said he likes Brian Williams and he thinks that he has been an anchor for most of his career. He said he met Scott Pelly last year and he was blown away in how involved he is with that news cast. He said he is the news director for that program. He said he had a discussion with him about it. Jon said he didn't know Gary was such a news junkie. Gary said he really is.
Benjy asked how long Dan Rather has been off the network. Gary said it has to be sometime in the 90s. Gary said he used to watch Brian Williams but now he watches Scott Pelly. Benjy asked if Rather went to something else after CBS. He said he knows he's on AXS now. Gary said he thinks that Dan has been off a long time. Jon said he doesn't think he wanted to leave. He said he thinks he enjoys doing what he does.
Jon said Dan has such a unique voice that you know who it is instantly. Gary said you don't even need to look at the radio to see who it is.
Jon took a call from a guy who said there's something great about that moment when Dan talked about having the gun to his head and saying that guy said he was going to ''fucking kill you''. Gary said they all smiled and looked at each other when they heard that. He said everyone talks that way in real life. He said when he was on TV he wasn't allowed to talk like that. Gary said of course it sounds kind of shocking. Jon said you can tell that's how he really is in real life. Jon said he went to get personal with Dan and Dan said it in a classy way when he said Howard is crazy if he thinks he's going to answer that stuff.
Gary said people think when you come there you have to answer questions. He said that it's up to the guest if they want to answer or not. Gary said they don't force anyone.
Gary said he got a mention on Dan's blog. He said he really respects the guy and it's amazing when someone like that likes you back.
Jon took a call from a guy who said last week the subject of DJs came up. He said he thinks that they could get Howard interested if they talked about how much money they're making. He said they're getting like a million or a half million per night to play. He said he thought that might be a hook to get Howard interested. Gary said that those guys are on their radar and they were pitched someone recently. Gary said that the financial aspect is mind blowing. He said that's why they were going to have this guy on. He said the guy wasn't able to make it to New York so they didn't have him in.
Gary said there was a guy getting paid six figures to do one night of DJ'ing for their kid's party. Gary said that this is pretty mind blowing. Jon asked if Lucas got into it and wanted to do it for a living, would it be okay with him. Gary said that these DJs do after movies where they show all of the fun parts of the job but not the actual work. Gary said he tries to guide his son. He said that he has a major gig on Friday night. He said Lucas is the one who is handling everything himself. He said he had to sign some paperwork but that's all he had to do.
Benjy said that they had DJ AM on the show so they did have a DJ on. Gary said he is a different kind of DJ. He said he was one who mashed up songs. He said the DJs they're talking about are making their own songs. Benjy said he didn't know what that was all about. Jon said they had to go to break so he cut them off and said they'd get to it after the break.
Jon asked if Dave has any idea what the real Dave's retirement might mean for his career as Evil Dave. Will said he thinks he takes it day by day. Gary said he's banking on Evil Dave outliving the real Dave. He said he's not so sure that will happen. Jon said he thinks that there will be a shelf life for Evil Dave after the real Dave retires. Will said they could find out what Dave is doing in retirement every year or so. He said that might work.
Gary said that Evil Dave has been around for a while and he should know that you don't eat on microphone. Will said the guy who plays Evil Dave is named Dave. He said he lives in the old days because he doesn't have a cell phone and you have to call 3 different numbers to get a hold of him.
Jon took a call from a woman who asked Gary if he is going tonight for the induction for the E Street Band. Gary said he is. He said this is hands down the best class. He said that they have a stellar line up of bands being inducted. Richard Christy said Gary is beaming today. He said he thinks he has a big hard on today because of that whole thing. Jon said Gary does have a little extra pep in his step today.
Gary said that's the great thing about this job. He said when you wake up and you have a great guest on the show it's easier to wake up. Jon said that the Dan Rather thing was great for him. Richard said he was up for Danny Trejo. The guys talked about Rob Lowe too. Jon said they'll talk more about that tomorrow. Jon said Gary is turning red now. Gary said he and Rob are about the same age and they have kids around the same age. He said he felt he had a connection to him because he took him out on Dial-a-Date. He said that they had a talk about those clubs they used to go to back in the 80s and that was fun.
Jon asked Richard about Danny Trejo. Richard said he has been a big fan of his since he was in ''From Dusk to Dawn.'' He said he was a big fan of his on King of the Hill too. He said he has a really interesting life story too. Jon said he thinks it was one of the best interviews of the year. He said he had some great stories and he has a great sense of humor. Gary said when he talks about the tattoo he has on his chest he talked about the prisons he was in to get them and they were hard core prisons.
Richard said he loved the quote he had about how acting like you're not scared in a prison riot scene that's real acting.
Jon asked if any of the guys have anyone in their life that was as big an influence on their lives as Danny's uncle was. Gary said he had an uncle who was sort of living that life and he's dead now. Richard said he had an uncle Herbie who had a Fiero in the 80s. He said he taught him how to flip people off. He said he was a cool uncle and he was an influence on him. Richard said his Fiero had a sunroof and he'd have him stand up through the roof and flip his parents off.
Jon asked how long he influenced him for. Richard said it was a long time. He said he had a haunted house that was great and that's one of the reasons he loves Halloween. He said he saw Evil Dead with his uncle too. Jon said they had to take another break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Jeff Van Gundy is a real douche bag. He said that he really is a moron. Gary said that he's considered to be a pretty good basketball mind. He said maybe he had no idea what he was doing singling Howard out. He said he's sure that he's been to a million games where people have left early. Jon said he thinks that he was just thinking that Howard likes to mix it up with people and break balls so he decided to do it with Howard. He said he didn't know the consequences of what was going to happen. Jon said the Reggie Miller clip was great too where he said he wasn't going to mess with Howard.
Gary said they have had this happen before. He said that they have hours and days and weeks to fuck with someone. He said they can do it every day. Benjy asked if Van Gundy should apologize at a Knick game. Gary said he thinks he'll just shut up and hope it goes away. Will said he thinks that the Knicks might want him to apologize so they don't discourage people from wanting to go to the games. Jon said he doesn't work for them though. He was doing a broadcast for ESPN. Jon said they'll have to see what happens with that because it's not going away.
Jon took a call from a woman who asked what Gary thinks about Cat Stevens being inducted and if he will show up. Gary asked what she means. The caller said that he talked a lot of shit about the states after he became Islamic. Gary said that they're inducting him in as a musician and not about him as a person. He said that if you go that way then you have to talk about all of the people who have been arrested. He said it's about their contribution to music. Gary said that he's not sure if Cat Stevens is going to show up. He said he changed his name to Yusuf Islam so he's not sure if he'll show up if they don't call him that.
Jon asked Richard how Sal is doing now that KISS is being inducted into the hall of fame. Richard said he's excited about it. Gary said he and Richard were talking about the crazy stuff Sal has done because of KISS. They talked about how he's contacted some of the band and also how he's dressed up as KISS and things like that.
Richard told a story about Sal meeting Ace Frehley and how he was in the bathroom trying to put makeup on as Ace. Then Sal wanted to take a picture with Ace at the studio and the only person around was Howard so he asked Howard to take it. Gary said he saw that going on and he ran over to take the picture instead.
Jon said with that they'll end the show. Gary mentioned that he'll Instagram out any good pictures he takes at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction. He said that he's not sure when it will air on TV. Jon had the guys get in their plugs and then ended the show. They were done around 11:20am.
Jon asked Sal what he thinks and what Sal would do if someone came after him. Sal said it all depends. He said if someone blatantly insults Howard then it's not worth following through. He said that Michael Wiener knows who Howard is and his whole angle was screwy. He said there was no substance there and the guy was a complete jerk off.
Jon congratulated Sal on his band KISS getting into the rock and roll hall of fame. He asked if Richard likes them as much as Sal does. Sal said he probably wouldn't have liked Elvis if his dad didn't play it on the 8 Track in the car when he was growing up. He said he likes Coheed and Cambria because Richard played it for him. He said that Peter Criss' solo album was a big deal to Richard and got him started drumming so they're a big deal to Richard too.
Jon said that it's great that KISS is in the hall of fame now. Sal said he saw their Destroyer album when he was 8 years old and that visual was amazing. He said that this kid Chris Raggett brought the album into school and he saw it and stared at it for at least a half hour. He said he was mesmerized by it at the time. He said there was something about picking up a record and looking at it. He said he fell in love with the band without even hearing them. Jon said he fell in love with 4 guys in makeup and wild clothes. Jon said that hearing it first might have been different. Sal said KISS used glam and makeup and all of that but when you strip it down they had great music.
Jon asked if Sal ever got to see KISS in concert as a kid. Sal said he wasn't allowed to go out at all. He said his dad never let him go. He said all he wanted to do was see them. He said once they took the makeup off he was done with them. Jon asked if that was tough for him. Sal said it was really hard and he knew it was bad when they did that. Sal said when they announced they were getting back together in 1996 he bought tickets to 4 shows. He said he ended up crying during ''New York Groove.'' He said he was back in the groove with them. He said it was great seeing Ace Frehley playing the song. He said his arm went up to the song and he just lost it. He said he was a mess. Jon said he bets he wasn't the only one crying. Sal said there were a bunch of people around him and none of them were crying.
Sal said he went to concert 4 nights in a row and they were in all different sections. He said on the third night he was in the third row and by then he was bored out of his mind. He said he said he felt trapped there. Sal said that he ended up shooting spitballs at the guys.
Jon asked Sal about what they do on stage. Sal said they put the curtain down and that's great. He said the last song they do is great too. He said they have the stage set up great and they have the record covers come to life.
Jon asked JD what he thinks of KISS. JD said he likes a couple of their bigger hits. He said he's not a huge fan of them.
Jon asked JD if he feels that people there influence his opinions like Sal's dad did with his music. JD said in a way they do. Jon said that Will is a fan of OAR. Sal said he has no idea who that is. Jon said that JD isn't a Rush fan because he's a Rush fan. JD said he's not. He said he didn't know about Nirvana until some of his friends turned him on to it. Jon asked if Howard being a fan has made JD a fan of something. JD said that there are some TV shows that he's gotten into. He has to pull clips from those shows. JD said he will only pull some clips because Howard brings them up. He said he won't go out of his way for some of that stuff.
Jon said that there was a time that Sal almost had Howard's mentality and he could tell what he was into. Sal said he was almost there. He said it wasn't quite there. Sal said he makes an effort to figure that stuff out. He said that when he auditioned for Howard's band he played songs on the bass that Howard would like.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wants to talk about KISS. He asked if they're the most overrated band in history. Jon said he doesn't think that's the case. He said they do have a couple of really good songs. He said that they're not particularly great but he thinks people shitting on them isn't fair. Sal said that they have been bashed by the critics for years and he doesn't think they're overrated. He thinks they're underrated.
Jon asked if Sal if he got dressed up as any of the KISS guys. Sal said he got dressed up like Ace once. He said they were at K-Rock at the time. He said he bought some tin foil at a store and he went into the bathroom and dressed up. He said he put the makeup on and it was horrible. He said Ace ended up walking into the bathroom while he was doing this. He said Ace walked in and he said his name. He said Ace walked right past him and went into the stall and took a dump. He said he didn't even give him a half a smile. Sal said it was like he wasn't even there.
Jon asked Sal if he walks into a bathroom and someone is dressed up as him, with the bad beard and all, what would he expect to do. Sal said normally you would just wink or say hi. Sal said Ace did nothing at all. He said he thinks that the guy has been doing it so long that he didn't want to see another asshole dressed up like him. Sal said that he had zero reaction to it at all. He said the bathroom was tiny there too. He said he didn't let it get him down though.
Sal said he had pitched Ace for the show that day. He said he had notes about his book but Ace didn't want to talk about any of that stuff. Sal said he had to go into the studio and try to get him to talk about that stuff. He said he was throwing that stuff out and it ended up working out well. He said he felt that Ace acknowledged him after that. He said Howard stood behind the console and he wanted to take a picture with Ace so he asked Howard to take it. He said Gary grabbed the camera and said that he'd take it. He said you can see the picture if you Google ''Sal Ace Frehley.''
Jon asked Sal what he was thinking when he asked Howard to take the picture. Sal said that was the time in his life when he thought Howard was his buddy and he could stay at his apartment. He didn't think Howard would think it was a big deal either. He said he figured Howard would just take the picture but that wasn't the case. Jon said they had to go to break after that.
Jon asked if Sal feels the love from people like that when they're there. Sal said that he doesn't get caught up in the whole thing. He said you can't do that. He said you have to feel like you belong and there's a reason you're doing what you're doing.
Benjy asked Sal about a social situation. He asked if he'd be more nervous in that situation than at work. Sal said he's more disappointed because he can't engage in a sincere conversation. Jon said that he's seen Sal in social situations and he is able to break the ice. Sal said he is willing to do it but he's not sure if he'll appeal to them. He said he's a big fan of George Lopez but he has to keep it professional with him. He said what happened is that he saw his KISS stuff in the office and George asked who the fan was. Sal said they ended up talking for a half hour about KISS so that happened organically.
Benjy asked Sal if he thinks that the power people have in their life affects him at all. Sal said no. Jon said that Sal and Carol had a relationship outside the show already. Sal said the power they have affects him in a synchronicity way. He said he works with Howard creating stuff. Then he has a friend like Carol Leifer come in and they work on something so it happens that way.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked about the Seinfeld references. He said that Howard never watched Seinfeld and then he talks to Carol Leifer and tells her that he loves certain episodes. He asked if he actually watched the show or if he has people do research there. Jon said he thinks that Howard has watched Seinfeld since then but maybe he hasn't seen every episode. He said Will and the research team also prepare him for the interview. He said some Seinfeld episodes have gotten so popular that you've heard about them even if you didn't watch. Sal said the Korean translation episode was so great. He said she turned that into a great comedy bit.
Jon asked Sal if he and his dad spoke Italian to him when he was growing up. Sal said he did but he would just nod his head and not speak it back. He said he was embarrassed by that. He said if his Dad said something about his friend it was very obvious. He said he would say something in Italian and insult the kid and it was so obvious. He said he would tell his friend that it was something completely different. He said it was so embarrassing that he kept his friends away from his dad.
Benjy said his parents did the same thing. He said his dad had whistles that did different things too. He said he had a whistle to get in touch with him in a mall and he'd have to whistle back until they found each other. Benjy said they still have that. He said he doesn't want to give it away. He said it's not as special now that they have cell phones. Benjy said his dad had a signal whistle that he'd do and he had an answer back.
Jon said he was always envious of people who had that. He said that he loves that Seinfeld episode and how George's dad came in and busted them. He said he feels that happens all the time.
Sal said they had a biker walk in one day and his dad complained about the guy in Italian and the guy heard every word and understood it all. He said his dad sat him down and said he'd give him anything he wanted when he found out he was Sicilian. Benjy said he finds that very interesting that Sal can speak Sicilian. Sal said it's very broken so when he does go off on someone they laugh at him. He said that happened once when a guy ripped him off. He said this guy started laughing at what he said because he said it a little wrong. He wanted to ask if he thought he was a joke and it came out as ''Do you think I'm a lady who wants to hear a joke'' in Sicilian. He said it was so embarrassing.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Jon would ever go in and correct Howard when he's going off on Jeff Van Gundy. Jon said Howard was pissed because he was trying to embarrass him on TV. He said that he's not going to go in and correct him. The caller asked if Howard was upset because he has to leave everything early. Jon said he thinks that it was just Howard wondering who this guy was breaking his balls. He said if you go after Howard personally you are going to get it back tenfold. JD said if you go after Howard at a 6 Howard is going to come back at you like a 20. Jon said he's not sure how this is going to end up. He wasn't sure if Van Gundy was going to like it. JD said he thinks that he did like it. He said he has responded to the incident. He didn't read the whole story yet though. Jon said they had to go to break after that.
Jon asked Lisa about KISS being inducted. Lisa said she was looking at their faces and couldn't stop. She said it looks like they had bad plastic surgery or something. Jon asked Sal if he's worried about the stuff he uses on his face hurting him in the long run. Sal said there are side effect to everything. He said that Jon is worried about the French fries he shoves down his gullet. Jon said that it's hard to think about what will happen down the road. Sal said that Aveeno cream is good for you so he's not so worried.
Jon asked Sal if he would consider plastic surgery. Sal said he did consider it for the black rings around his eyes. He said that he didn't want to get into the surgery thing. He said the doctor told him he could wear makeup instead. He said that guys don't do that though. Sal said he thinks he was wearing makeup when the guy said that to him. He said that he doesn't think he'd do it unless he needed it. He said he would like to get his chin tightened. He said he'd like to tighten up his jaw line too.
Sal said that if you have a weak chin you grow a beard and it helps. Sal said that's why he has the beard. Jon asked if that's why JD has a beard. JD said his is from pure laziness. JD said he would never do plastic surgery.
Benjy said he would do his hair if he knew it would work. He said he has huge earlobes but he's super proud of them now. He said if you look up what they mean it means you're super smart in Buddhism.
Lisa said she's scared of Botox even though she needs it. Jon asked if she would get a breast reduction. Lisa laughed and said no way to that. Jon asked Lisa how she feels about people who do it. Lisa said if it makes you happy then it's fine. She said the face lifts that women are getting younger and younger is what freaks her out.
Benjy asked Jon about why he isn't disciplined with food. Jon said he has diabetes and he feels like he wants to eat what he wants to eat. He said he enjoys the food a lot. He said that the Diabetes really gets to you 10-20 years down the road. Jon said he doesn't think long term and that is selfish and wrong of him. He said he wishes he could overcome that.
Sal asked Jon how he would feel if his wife and kids had surgery. Jon said they can do what they want but he would not want his wife and kids to do that. He said you are who you are and someone will love you for that. He said he would go under the knife only if it was threatening his life.
Jon asked Sal what he would do. Sal said his wife wanted to do Lipo. He said he told her he had a cheaper solution. He suggested a treadmill. He said that's safer and more healthy.
Jon asked how long he's been a Howard fan for. John said since Howard took his reduced hours he has taken some reduced hours himself. He said was a fan for a good four years or so. He said it became kind of an addiction. He said when he was in the car he was listening to nothing but Howard. He said he had no idea what was going on in the world other than what Robin was reporting on. John said he is a big fan because of the truth telling.
Sal asked if he was a big Beastie Boys fan. He said he thinks he saw him at a show years ago. John said he is. He said he is in the KISS Army too. He said that was great seeing them in the Hall of Fame. He said that the KISS Army is a real thing too. He said you have to sign up. Sal said he never signed up. He said his parents never allowed him to have stamps to mail things.
John said that the time Sal got goofed on for the retirement thing was one of the greatest things ever. He said he sat in disbelief at that segment. Jon asked if he had that coming to him. John said he did. He said he was crying over his kids. John told him it's Sal's responsibility so he should grow up.
Jon asked John about why he's such a fan of the show. John said that there are some truthful people out there and Howard is one of them. He said that Michael Moore is another. John said Howard is a great interviewer too. He said he also tells the truth so that's why he's so great.
Jon said that people are proud of being a fan these days and years ago it wasn't like that. Jon asked when that happened. John said when AGT became part of the whole thing it became less interesting to him. He said he has been into that kind of experience on the radio. He said that he used to listen to Steve Dahl and he was part of their whole army thing. Jon asked how many Armys he's been in. John said that it's been a lot.
Jon asked what he's out there promoting. John said he narrated a movie for Disney called ''Bears'' and that's what he's out promoting. Jason said his wife is dying to see it. John said that they got super close to the bears and it's super cool to see what the mother bears have to do to raise their cubs. He said they got inside the bear's lair and you see the baby bears being born. Jon wondered how they did that. John said it's amazing and he's not sure how they did it. He said they told him that the place they filmed they have no people so they didn't care about the people being around. John said it's pretty incredible. He said you get closer to a bear than you'll ever be... hopefully.
Jon said he knows John has to run but he thanked him for stopping by. John said he'll return some day and give them a proper ribbing. Sal said his kids love him in the movie Step Brothers. John told Sal not to start crying.
Benjy said that John was in the movie Cyrus and the character was based on him. John asked if he was talking about his character. Benjy said he meant the character of Cyrus. Sal told Benjy that John really had to go. John had to go and left a few seconds later.
Jon asked Sal how he feels knowing that a guy like that is a fan of his. Sal said that's great. He said it's amazing that he heard him that day and he stayed in his car to listen.
Jon asked JD why he thought that his meeting with him was awkward. JD said he just blurted out a few things with him. Jason said he heard that John was there and John told him he wanted to meet JD. Jason said he ran and got JD to come back down and he introduced him to the guys. He said they took a selfie together and Tim Heidecker was there too and Tweeted something out.
JD asked if Jason turns on the Sybian every time he gives a tour. Jason said he does. He said that's part of the whole tour every time. Benjy asked if he has a climax moment for the tour. Jason said it's bringing someone into the studio.
Jon said that John C. Reilly came looking for JD. JD said he has loved him for a long time. He said that it was very cool.
Sal asked who he has met that he was thrilled about. Jon said he doesn't know. He said it's strange when someone knows who you are. He said they know your voices and then they see your face and they're shocked. Sal said that he has people expecting to see a Ron Jeremy looking guy when they see him.
Jon said he had to wrap up the show after that. He asked the guys to give their plugs. They ended the show around 11:05am.