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Howard and the guys were back live this morning. Howard started the show talking about the death of David Brenner. Howard said it's really shaken him. He said he hasn't been in touch with David for 3 years. He said that's the last time he was on the show. He said he had no idea he was even ill. Howard said he loved that guy. He said he was reading a tribute from Paul Reiser who is a comedian and actor. Howard said he really wrote the best piece about Brenner.
Howard said David made frequent appearances on the show and there was a story about how David went to management at WNBC when he was working there. He said they were having a hard time with NBC and David was a huge star at the time. He was the number one fill in guy for Johnny Carson. He said he was on TV almost every single day on game shows or talk shows. Howard said he was a terrific talk show guest. He said he spent his whole life watching that stuff back then. Howard said Brenner didn't get the recognition that some other comedians got. Howard said Paul Reiser talked about how influenced he was by Brenner and how he got him into comedy. Howard said David was so good that he made comedy look easy.
Howard said many years ago David told him he was up for the host of the Tonight Show but he was going through a custody battle with his kid. He said he took a break to be with his kid. He said he was the consummate professional and a good friend to him.
Howard said the people at NBC hated him and they shut him down. He said they lied to him and it was a bad situation. He said he was getting beaten up by management and Pig Virus. He said it was amazing the amount of time they put into trying to get rid of him. He said they were cheap enough that they didn't just fire him. They tried to control him. He said it was a nightmare. Howard said David was a huge star and he came in and said that he got him and he thought he was a genius. Howard said he told David they weren't letting him do his thing. Howard did his impression of David and told the story about how David asked who was in charge there. He said Don Fioravanti was in charge so David went down and spoke to him. He said he was in there for quite a while. Howard said David was a big deal and he was telling them that they had a gem in there midst and asked why they weren't letting him do his thing. Howard said Don stood his ground and didn't budge. He said David stuck up for him though. He said he was forever grateful for that. Howard said over the years they had David on the show and he did David's talk show. He said he remembers being in a thong with David's girlfriend. He said he had a full boner on TV. He said David was spritzing water on him in the scene they did in a ''From Here to Eternity'' bit.
Howard said David invited him over to his townhouse in Manhattan. He said he had never been to one so he didn't know what it was like. He said David had friends there and there were a lot of stars there. He said people were cowering in the corner there. Howard said David was one of the first people to treat him like a human being. He said he had an incredible life and career.
Robin asked how old David was. Howard said he was 76. He said he has some clips to play. He said there are a lot of people who don't know who he is. Howard was corrected on the age. David was actually 78. Howard said he has a clip where David talked about why he lied about his age. He played the clip where David was about to tell him his real age. David was having a problem doing that. He said even the lie age was depressing to tell him. David said when he was 46 that was bothering him. David was telling Howard that 51 was tough too. He said his birthday was the next day and he was going to be 73 years old. Howard said he could pass for 71. Howard said he thought he was going to say 87 or something. Howard asked if he can still get it up. David said his lie age was 64.
Howard said even his lying age he became depressed about. He said that was his brilliance. Howard said he was a great guy and he's so sad to see he's gone. Howard said it haunted him the whole weekend. He said he hadn't spoken to him in years and didn't know he was ill. He said he doesn't think many people did. Howard said he had lost touch with David and the last time he saw him he was dating Tai Babilonia. He said he was married when he read the article about him dying. Howard said he was married to someone named Ruth. Howard said he was engaged to Tai last time he spoke to him. Howard said he doesn't know what happened there. He said he has no idea who this Ruth was. He said he never got to know who David was with the last few years. He said he got really sad when he heard the news. Howard said he really loved the guy.
Howard said they say David got cancer like a year ago but he worked the entire year. He said he had a date like 2 weeks ago. Howard said the facts aren't all there for him but he thinks he was working the whole time through this cancer. He said he doesn't know much about what he had either. Howard said he thought about having Tai on the show but then he found out she wasn't with David.
Gary came in and said he got a call on Saturday night to let him know that David had passed. He said the news had just broken. Howard said he and Robin have talked about having cancer and why you don't tell them about it. Howard said you don't want them giving you advice and all of that. Howard asked if it's too soon to have a dating game for Ruth. Robin told him to stop it.
Howard said David was a documentary producer and he just walked away from it all. He said he wanted to be a stand up comic so that's what he did. He said he admires that.
Howard had some remembrances of David. Howard had a clip of David talking about having kids. David said they say children make your life. He said they actually ruin it. David said he loves his kids but they ruin your life. David said they're like hemorrhoids and even when they're prefect there still a pain in the ass.
Howard said he had another clip where he's talking to David about not being to a celebrity funeral and David wants him to be a pall bearer at his funeral. David made that offer and Howard said he hopes he lives to 150. Howard said he has no celebrity friends and Leslie West keeps hanging on. David said Howard can be at his funeral. He said he has to make something special for Howard at his funeral. Someone suggested that they make a living will. Howard said he wants him to swear that he'll let him be a pall bearer there. Howard said that's as long as he outlives him.
Howard said he's sure David didn't like that conversation. Robin said they're getting to the point where they're going to die. Howard said he and Leslie West still email each other. He said Leslie sends him emails like he's Jimmy Page. He said he tells him what to do with the guitar and things like that. He said the guitar advice is very advanced.
Howard said they had an incident where they had one guitar that broke in the studio. Howard said everyone heard that on the air. Howard said they now have a bunch of guitars. He said they have a $5,000 Ovation in there now. Fred said Fender owns Ovation now and they sent it over. Howard said it's really nice. Howard started to play a little bit. He said the sound is great. Howard said if he could play it would sound like butter. Howard was playing ''Amy'' a little bit. Fred said that it was Danny Guyan who sent that guitar over.
Howard said they also have another guitar. He said the guys at Sam Ash sent some stuff over. He said he got a card from Sammy Ash who runs Sam Ash. Howard said they sent over a Fuzz Box and he doesn't even know what that does. Fred explained it and told Howard to try it out. Howard said he has to learn to play a B chord before he can get into all of that.
Howard said that he had to get back to David Brenner. He played a clip where David told the story about going in and defending Howard at WNBC. David was telling the story but not on Howard's show. It must have been for one of the specials they ran there at Sirius.
Howard said that meant so much to him. He said he's so saddened by his passing. He said he hopes he didn't suffer. He said he still doesn't know what kind of cancer he had. Howard played more of the clip where David said that they had a race horse with Howard at NBC and they didn't let him run like you have to do with a race horse. David said by eventually doing that Howard Stern became Howard Stern.
Howard said he really appreciates that. Robin said she resents that they say that he's survived by his wife and kids. She said he had a string of girlfriends. Howard said he had a lot. Howard said Paul Reiser talked about him going into clubs and David would pull up in a Rolls Royce with a beautiful woman. Howard said Paul would talk about how he paid for that with jokes. Howard said David was like a rock star.
Howard said he loves David Brenner and he was so sorry that he hadn't spoken to him in years. He said he was a great friend and he misses him. He said that's his fault and he didn't know he was ill. He said his appearances on TV were so beautiful and uplifting. He said it took him out of his miserable life. He said he made him feel good like musicians do. Howard said he loves David and he wishes his family well. Howard said he doesn't know his sons but he knows he has 3. Howard said he remembers Cole but not the others. Howard said he hopes David rests in peace.
Howard said Joan Rivers is coming in today. He said it'll be interesting to ask her about David. Howard said he knows they toured for years and he hopes she talks about that. Howard asked who would have thought she'd out live David Brenner. Robin asked how old she is. Howard said she's like 80 or 81. Gary said she's 80. Howard said Fred Armisen is coming in today too. He said he was great on the birthday show playing Blackbird.
King said you wake up and you're proud that you made it. Howard said he thinks about how he's going to be 80 at some point and that can't be great. He said Joan Rivers is 80 and she must not think it's great. He said his parents tell him that it's not great.
Howard said his parents have gotten so sequestered. He said last week they were on vacation and his parents were coming into the city to work out at the gym he works out at. Howard said they have to keep moving. Howard said he called his mother up and told them that they should come over for lunch after the gym. He said it was only a block away. Howard said his mother didn't want to. He said it's so outside of their routine that they didn't want to do it. Howard did his impression of his mother talking about that. He had her asking what they were going to do if the driver had something else to do. Howard said it was like he asked if she wanted to fly to the moon. He said she thought it might snow. Howard said they could cancel if it snowed. He said his mom didn't want to do it. He said he wanted to come out and visit her out at her house and she was still worried about the snow. Howard said he eventually gave up. He said it was like asking for the impossible.
King asked Howard if he asked Ronnie about his tattoo of his dog on his arm. He asked what that means. He said he doesn't know what that means and why he would do that. Howard said his dog Dudley died unexpectedly. Howard said he remembers his dog Botts who was on his arm too. Howard said he didn't know he put Dudley on his arm too. King said he has to ask him about that. Howard said his arm is looking like a pet store. Howard said he's not sure what's up with that. Howard said sometimes they don't have any organization and there's nothing tying them together. Fred said it's like he's walking down the street and just says he's going to get a tattoo of that. He said there's noting to tie it together. Howard said they're so random.
Howard had Ronnie come in to show them. Howard said he thinks he likes the idea of being tattooed but he has no reason for it. Howard said Ronnie is bringing a guest up so he can't get him in there.
Gary told King if he doesn't want a tattoo then don't get one. He said Ronnie has a reason for doing what he does. King said it's a good job but he's not sure who it's for. Gary said it's for Ronnie. Howard saw a picture of it and said that he paid for the shark tattoo. He said that they had to do it around the moles on his arm. Howard said he remembers the guy doing it and it was such a mess. He said it was nauseating. Howard said Ronnie was bleeding a lot. Howard said it looks like Dudley shit out a shark the way he has them laid out.
Howard said he was out in Los Angeles with Ronnie and he got a tattoo out there. Howard said he actually paid for that one and another. Howard said they were a couple hundred bucks.
Gary asked if King has one. King said he does. He said he has a small one. Gary asked who he got it for. King told him not to do that to him. He said he was just curious about why Ronnie does this stuff. Gary said this pisses him off. Howard said all of Ronnie's tattoos look like a mess. Gary said he's making fun of Ronnie over his dog picture. Howard said there is no flow to them. He said it's like they stapled a bunch of pictures on his arm. Robin said it's like walking past a lamp post where a bunch of things have been posted and torn off. Howard said some awful shit will go down in Ronnie's life and he'll get it tattooed on his arm. Howard said the last one he got he told the artist to just put it anywhere. Howard let King go after that. He said he has to take a break.
Howard said they should put the picture up on the web site. He said he knows Ronnie loved that dog. He and Fred did their impressions of Ronnie for a short time. Howard said now Dudley has a giant mole on his head. He said poor Ronnie wants these tattoos but he has these moles. Howard said he should have made the mole the eye ball. Fred said maybe the mole could have been the dog's nose. He said it could have been that or where the dog's whiskers grow out. Howard said Ronnie is the only guy who has a 3D tattoo. He said it looks like Dudley is multi-dimensional.
Robin said another person has died who did the show. Howard said he knows it was the guy with the big balls. Robin said he was only like 46 or 49. Robin said she thought he was in his 60s or something. Howard said it's funny how David Brenner and a guy with giant balls have the same weight on the show.
Ronnie came in so Howard brought up his tattoo. He asked why he didn't use that mole as the eyeball. He said he should have gone with him. He said his tattoos are really random. He said it's like a pet store on his arm. He said he has a bunch of animals and insects on his arm.
Gary said they have a link up that goes to their gallery of Ronnie's tattoos. Howard said Ronnie doesn't even care where they go. Ronnie said he does. He said the Dudley one was big so it took a while to do. He said it was like 3 hours. Howard said it looks like the dog is eating a mole. Ronnie asked what he's supposed to do. He said that's life.
Howard said Ronnie should get the moles removed. Ronnie said he's not going to do tat. Howard told Fred to explain this to Ronnie about why they're so out of order. Ronnie said he doesn't have to. He said he gets it. Howard said that is really Dudley on his arm. He said his head is almost as big as Ronnie's head. Howard asked what will happen if Stephanie dies. Ronnie said he'll have to get a tattoo on his back. Ronnie said he's sure she'll be around a long time after he's gone. Howard said he wants to do a live show from his funeral. Howard said maybe the afterlife will be like Ghost. Howard asked if Ronnie thinks there is an afterlife. Ronnie said he doesn't want to think about that. He said he thinks things will be dark and that's it. He said he won't be going to see anyone. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
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Howard came back and said that he just had to pee. He said he wasn't going to but he figured he was going to be uncomfortable talking to Joan. Howard said he has to learn to just pee and not hold it in. Howard said he took 2 minutes to pish out. Robin said now he can comfortably talk to Joan. Howard said she has like 50 talk shows now.
Joan Rivers came in and Howard said she always has a million things going on. He said she looks great. Howard asked how old she is. Joan said she's 192. Howard asked if she can believe she out lived David Brenner. Joan said that upset her so much. She said it upset Melissa too. Howard said it ruined her weekend. Joan said it was only about 20 minutes. She said that's like a lifetime to her though.
Joan said that she had a great time going out with David. She said she adored him. Joan said David came to her 2 and a half years ago and he wasn't doing well in the business. She said he took her out. Joan said she was filling 3,000 seat venues on her own. She said he wanted to do shows with her and he wanted half. Joan said she just can't do that. She said she'd give him 1/3. She said her accountant was yelling at her about that. She said that David wouldn't talk to her after that. She said she adored him and that upset her so much. Howard said Joan has to strike while the iron is hot so she can't give him half. He said he gets that. Howard said Joan went out on her own and she still fills 3,000 seats. Joan said she's doing it on her own. She said it still upsets her about David though.
Howard said the business can be rough. He said that's the worst. Joan asked how many friends call to get on the show. Howard said its like a pity fuck. Joan said she's been through that. Howard said Edgar used to tell him that she was his pity fuck.
Joan said David liked Auschwitz types. She said he would have liked Victoria Beckham. Howard said he was very picky. He said he kicked someone out for talking about the apartment like she didn't like the way it was set up.
Howard said he adored David. Joan said she did too. Howard said David stuck up for him at WNBC. He said he did a routine on his show about lying about his age too. He said even his fake age was starting to upset him. Howard said it was too funny. He said it was a great idea. Joan got a laugh out of that.
Joan said that she feels she shouldn't talk about some of this. She said he was the kind of guy who would write something and it was just good enough. She said that she always tried to rewrite things. She said that got her in trouble on the Betty White show.
Howard said Brenner never got the respect he deserved. Joan said she agrees. She said you have to make people respect you. She said you have to walk into a room and tell them that you're a genius. Howard said he didn't know that he didn't perfect his jokes. Joan said that's the difference. She said that he was funny the way he was. She said they toured together. She said they handed him the Larry King show and he didn't put the energy into it. She said that he should have been much higher than he was. She said he was sloppy about his show though. Howard said you have to really think about it. Joan said she didn't name Melissa for 3 years because she was thinking about her career.
Howard said it was touching how Joan appeared on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Joan said she was banned for 27 years. She said that Jay Leno kept the ban going because he's a fucking asshole. Joan said it made no sense. Howard said he used to go on Leno and he knows he only wanted him on because he was on Letterman. Howard said Jay should have had her on the first night. Joan said Carson should have had her on after she was fired from FOX. Joan said that Fallon's people asked her to be on and she showed up 3 days early. Joan said February 17th was the 48th anniversary of her being on the Tonight Show for the first time. She said it was great that she was on that night.
Howard asked Joan if she gets over things quickly. Joan said she does unless it has something to do with her kid. She said that there was a girl who pushed Melissa's sandwich off her plate and she hasn't forgotten about that.
Robin asked if Joan ran into Chelsea Handler at the birthday bash. Joan said Chelsea doesn't talk to her. She said that her show, Fashion Police, is the number one show on E!. Howard said Chelsea was bashing E! when she was in there. Howard said she was saying that they are bankrupt creatively and all of that. Joan said that they gave her a start. She said that she bets she has an issue with her ex-boyfriend. She said no one bashes a network if they don't have another deal lined up.
Howard asked how many shows she has. Joan said she has 3. Howard said she's on QVC. Joan said she has ''In Bed with Joan'' on the internet. She has a show starting Saturday night on WE. She said that's about her and Melissa. Howard asked if that's the gay network. Joan said it's not. Howard asked how people find her. Joan said that they're on at 10 on WE. Howard said she has the Fashion Police show on E! too. Howard asked if any of them pay well. Joan said no. She said that's why she wasn't able to give Brenner more than 1/3.
Howard said David was engaged to Tai Babilonia. Howard said he read that he was married to some other woman named Ruth. Howard said he remembers David talking about how he was going to leave this world broke. Joan said he may have done it. She said she remembers him giving big tips at meals. She said he'd give $100 tips for a $5 meal. Joan said he always had a limo and a driver. Howard said he played it out well. Joan said she's using her god pocketbooks now. She said she's trying to live that way too.
Howard asked where Joan stands on Woody Allen now. Joan said that she didn't like that he stole A Streetcar Named Desire to make Blue Jasmine. Joan said that was such a rip off of that movie. Howard asked if they socialize at all. Joan said they don't. She said no one does. Joan said people avoid her like the plague. She said the elevator man won't even get in the elevator with her.
Howard said Joan got into a fight with someone in her building. Joan said she's on the board and the woman owed a lot of money in fees. Howard said she accused Joan of sticking gum in her lock. Joan said she didn't do that. Howard said he thinks she did. Joan kept denying it as she laughed it off.
Howard said Joan once commented on Jennifer Lawrence looking really good and then the next year Jennifer said something about Joan and Joan gave her the business. Howard asked what her point was with that. Joan said when they said she looked great she looked great. She said she's a great actress too. Joan said that when she had good comments on her she was fine but then they say one thing about her dress and she says they have no right to be talking about her. Joan said that Jennifer is in commercials and she's so airbrushed you can't even see her. She said she shouldn't do that if she cares so much about what people think about her looks.
Howard asked Joan if she thinks about death constantly. Joan said she does think about that. She said that she thinks about her daughter and about her friends moving out of the city. She said that the mayor is chasing people out of the city. Joan said she can't leave. She said she has a gay homeless man on her block who has fixed up his box so nice. She said what he did with his box is so great.
Howard said they were talking about death. Howard said he thinks about being 60. He said Joan is 80 now. Joan said it sucks because you know the end is getting nearer. Joan said she's trying to get it all in. Howard said that's what he's doing. He said he's playing guitar now. Joan said she tells the same joke 3 times sometime. Joan said she gets on E! and they think she's getting old when she asks them to put names up on the screen for her. She said she had to do that 25 years ago though.
Howard said Joan was great at the birthday bash. Joan said she had a few more jokes she didn't get to tell there. She had them written down. Joan told Howard what some of them were. Howard said she prepared for the show and doesn't take anything for granted. Howard asked if she will know when she can't do shows anymore. Joan said she thinks she'll know and she'll stop herself. Howard said there are some greats out there who aren't good anymore. He said they just forget their jokes and stop being funny.
Howard asked Joan about Johnny Carson. He asked if she knew he had a big penis. Joan said she didn't. Howard asked how many years it's been since she had sex. Joan said it's a good 7 years. Howard asked if she's still masturbating. Joan said you do that until you die. Joan said that she's still doing that. Howard asked if she tells Melissa to have her killed if she ever gets Alzheimers. Joan said that all you have is your brain. Howard said that would be crazy. Joan said she's so busy all the time that she doesn't have that problem. Robin said she's exercising her brain. Howard asked what 8+9 was. Joan knew the answer so Howard figured she was still with them.
Howard said it must get depressing at times when she loses friends. Joan said her sister died. She said she didn't know she was dying and it happened quick. She said she thinks that's the way to go.
Howard asked Joan if her sister was jealous of her. Joan said she was. She said that it had to be hard for her. She was a lawyer and she was always known as her sister. Howard asked if it blew her mind when she died. Joan said that it killed her because they were never best friends. Howard said that's a shame. Joan said Howard is 60 and this is her gift to him. She told him to let go of things if someone is in a fight. She said that you have to make up and move on.
Howard said Joan is an icon. Howard asked why she would let Miss Piggy throw a pie in her face. Joan said it was for QVC and they got the highest ratings ever when they did that. She said that she was talking with this puppet and there's a guy with his hand up her ass.
Howard asked why she didn't make up with Jay Leno. Joan said he was never a friend and she was too angry about that whole thing.
Joan told Howard that his wife looked great at the birthday show. Joan asked how Lena Dunham wears a dress above the knee. Howard said she doesn't give a shit. He said he thought Joan would like that. Joan said every woman cares. Howard said Lena likes to make people laugh. Joan said she does that but she thinks that she would dress better. Howard said Lena would say to Joan that she's not going to be that kind of woman. Howard said that she's going to live her life the way she is. Joan said she was on the cover of Vogue and airbrushed. Joan said she gets upset over hypocrisy. She said that's what that's all about. Howard said she thinks she'd love what Lena does. Joan said she does like some of that but she doesn't think she should make people laugh at her physically. Howard said men have done that for years though. He said he went out as Fartman showing his ass. Howard said he doesn't get why women can't do that. Joan said Howard didn't pick Lena Dunham to marry. He married Beth. Howard asked what Joan is saying. Joan said Lena can look the way she looks and be fine with it. She said she shouldn't tell other women that it's okay to do that. She said it's fine for her but other women should try to look their best. Howard said Lena is a sweet girl. He said she was funny at the birthday show. Joan agreed with him about that. Howard thanked Joan for coming out for that birthday show. Joan said it was amazing.
Howard said that moment when Joan came out on the Tonight Show it had to be great. Joan said she went to the door and got back stage and got so emotional. She said she got into the car after the show and started to cry. She said she wondered what happened to that girl who was on the Tonight Show 48 years ago. Joan said her life was changed that night she was on the first time. Howard said with comedians there can be a moment like that. Joan said that she went to the bank the next morning and the woman there said she saw her on the show. She said it was amazing.
Joan told Howard that Johnny was mean all the time. He was mean back stage and all of that. Howard said he had the feeling that he had a shitty upbringing.
Howard said Joan went on Katie Couric's show and Joan said that she was upset that she was asked questions she wasn't prepared for. Joan said Katie was probing like an in depth interview. It wasn't supposed to be like that. She said that Katie asked her why she was so self absorbed. Joan said this is a woman who is completely self absorbed.
Howard had a bracket for Joan. He had men who were over 80. He had Don Rickles or Bob Newhart. Joan picked Don. Howard said the next couple was Jerry Lewis or Jerry Stiller. Joan said she'll take Jerry Stiller. She said she despises Jerry Lewis. Joan said he's a nasty person from what she's heard. Joan told Howard about how Jerry didn't let her do his telethon. She said she was around and she wanted to do it but he wouldn't let her. Howard said maybe he couldn't deal with a woman who was funny. Joan said she's not picking Jerry Stiller either. She was confused and thought that he gave her Ben Stiller. Joan likes Jerry. She said that Ben never speaks to her. She said that he has been back stage a few times and wont say hello.
Howard gave Joan another couple to choose from. It was Tim Conway or Mel Brooks. Joan said she's taking both. She said she loves both of them. Joan said her friend goes out with Mel and she loves him. She said that Mel is wonderfully funny. Howard said he's never come on the show. Howard asked about Tim Conway. Joan said he makes her laugh. She picked Mel out of those two. Howard gave Joan Shelly Berman or Shecky Green. She picked Shecky. Howard then narrowed it down and asked who won out of the winners. Joan said she'd take Mel Brooks.
Howard said Joan stuck up for the Today show when they fired Ann Curry. Joan said she thought she was too serious and too fake. She said they had the right to get rid of her. Joan said she's doing just fine after leaving.
Howard asked Joan if she said to Katie Couric that she'd never do her show again. Joan said she told the producer that. She said she never will.
Howard said Joan is triumphant again. Howard said everyone is talking about her TV show. Howard said they said it wouldn't last but they're in their 4th season. Howard said people love it. Howard said that's Joan Knows Best on WE TV.
Howard said his wife is so upset about Mick Jagger's girlfriend. Howard said Beth loved her clothes. Howard said Beth loved L'Wren Scott's stuff. Howard said he read that she hung herself with a scarf. He was wondering if it was one of her own. Joan said she's wondering how she did it. She said she was 6'3'' tall and she'd like to know how she got her feet off the ground. Howard and Joan were trying to figure out how she did it. Howard said he doesn't understand the whole story.
Howard asked Joan if she really wants to kill herself if she gets Alzheimers. Joan said she will do that. She said she'll go overseas and find someone over there to do that. She said that she doesn't want to end up like Ronald Reagan. She said she knew Ronald and it was sad how Nancy protected him and kept him hidden. Joan said she doesn't want to be that person who puts mashed potatoes in her eye and shit her pants. Howard said he'd love to visit her while she's doing things like that.
Howard said he loves Joan. Joan said she loves Howard too. Howard thanked her again for doing the birthday show. Howard said she's being accepted now and doing the Tonight Show again. Howard said he has always wanted her. Howard said everyone wants her now. Joan said it's not everyone. She said that Letterman loves her but it took him about 15 years to get there. Howard said she has to let it go.
Joan said she sold her country house and she's auctioning off her furniture at Christie's on April 1st. She said she has nowhere to put it. Joan said the house took a long time to sell. She said it was very special to her. She said it was an amazing house.
Howard gave Joan some more plugs and wrapped up with her. Howard said next time she's on the show she should show some knee. Joan said she'll do that.
Howard was about to end the interview when he asked about saying Kim Kardashian's kid was ugly. Joan said she was joking. She said she likes those girls. Howard asked what's going on with Bruce Jenner. Joan said that she's her best friend and they're going to get a mani-pedi together. Howard wrapped up and let Joan go a short time later.
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Howard said that Fred Armisen is there. He said his show Portlandia is back. Howard said Fred is looking thin. Fred said he lost some weight. He said he loves chocolate and cake and all of that. He said he just cut it out completely. Howard said Beth did that too and he must feel better. Fred said he struggles with it every day. Fred said he's just avoiding eating sugar. He said he doesn't really work out.
Howard asked if vanity matters to him. Fred said not too much. Howard said he read that he quit Facebook when an old friend posted an old picture. Fred said he felt it was a private picture and it was too much to deal with. Howard said he has Facebook and twitter but he doesn't go on it too much. Howard said once you see old friends once it's enough.
Howard said it was great for Fred to come to his birthday show. He said he liked how he did that Blackbird song and did it badly. Howard said he had seen him do that bit before and he loved it. Howard said that's one of his favorite songs and he plays it horribly. Fred said it's just a little bit off. He said the rhythm is right but the chord are off. Fred said Howard sounded great on the guitar earlier. Howard said he's taking lessons. He said he wants to learn. Fred said he doesn't have to be a virtuoso at it. Howard said he has to practice to get good. Robin said Howard would love to sit in with the band on the Late Show with Seth Meyers. Fred said Howard could do that. He said he's good enough. He said he doesn't need to know a lot of chords. He said Howard is welcome to do it and he thinks he'd be great.
Howard said Fred is an accomplished musician and he was before he was on Saturday Night Live. Howard said he thought it was a stroke of genius to make him the band leader on Seth's show. Howard said he was talking to Lorne Michaels whose idea it was to make him the band leader. Howard said Lorne sheepishly said it was his idea. Fred said when Lorne calls he just goes with it. He said that he knows what he's doing and he knows what he comes from. Fred said he'd rather try something and see how it goes. Fred said he wants to be part of that whole thing. Howard asked if the band takes him seriously. Fred said that they rehears all day and there is a lot to do with them.
Howard said Fred is a drummer so why didn't he play drums. Fred said he is but he didn't want to do what The Roots do. He said he can come in and out with the guitar and it's a little bit more mobile. Howard asked if he just does whatever Lorne tells him to do. Fred said he sort of does. Robin asked they write new songs every day. Fred said they do but they're not complicated. He said they have to fill the time with new songs because they don't have the budget to play a lot of covers.
Howard said after the birthday show he heard stories about what was happening back stage. Howard said he heard that Fred became friendly with Rob Zombie. Fred said they text each other like school kids. Howard said it's a bromance. Fred said Rob was friends with The Ramones so he has a lot of questions about that. Fred said there is a lot online about them being on Howard's show. Howard said he did have them on a lot. Howard said Joey was amazing. Fred said they were really interesting.
Howard asked if he and Rob call each other or just text. Fred said it's mostly texting. He said they ask about old punk bands and things like that. Howard said he never thought of Rob as a punk guy. Fred said punk and metal guys sort of fit together. Fred said rob is so happy and confident in his life. He said he has reinvented himself becoming a director and all of that. Howard said Rob comes over once a year or so and he'll have to have Fred over at the same time. Howard said he'll sit and watch them talk.
Fred asked Howard if he's a metal person or what. He said that he gets the feeling it's all over. Howard said he is all over. He said that Metallica just put a song out and it's just great. He said he likes Rob Zombie and White Zombie but he loves Neil Young and things like that. Howard said he likes some pop stuff too. He said he's all over the place. He said he listened to Outkast all weekend so he really is all over.
Howard said he loves Prince too. He said that Fred does a great Prince impression. Fred did some of that. Fred also did some of his Robert Downey Jr. impression by just having good posture. Fred said he wants to have good posture but it's too much work. Howard said he tries to do that too. He said it's tough to stand up straight. He said he ends up being hunched over again.
Fred said he was star struck by Howard at the birthday show. He said that he heard Seth on the show recently and he heard him say ''Portlandia'' and that blew his mind. Howard said that's his baby so he gets that. Fred said he still is amazed he was at that party. He said he's psyched by anything that goes on between them.
Howard said Fred has the ability to pick out little things like great posture on Robert Downey Jr. He said he sees things that we all see but don't talk about. Howard said he does that with Portlandia too. Howard said they think of the most absurd thing to talk about on that show. Fred said it's all about trying question marks. He said that it might resonate with someone.
Howard asked how much Lorne is involved with Portlandia. Fred said that he helps with the thesis of the show. He said that he's not involved with every bit of it. Howard said that he is on with Seth Meyers too and he should be getting the same kind of money Seth is getting. Howard said his agent should go in and negotiate for him like that. Fred said he doesn't get involved. He said the important part is getting to do it.
Howard asked if he will play drums for them. He said he's never heard him play. Fred went over and started to play on a drum set they had in the studio. Fred pounded away for a minute. Howard asked him to do the thing from the Beatles. Fred played a little bit of what Howard was looking for. Robin said he's good. Howard said he's fucking good. Robin asked if he has a drum set up in his apartment. Fred said he doesn't. Howard said he'd hate to be his neighbor if he did.
Fred said his mother let him play in the house and he has to thank her for that. Howard said his mom would never have allowed that.
Fred asked when he started playing guitar. Howard said it's been a couple of weeks. Howard said he has a teacher who is like a Mr. Miagi to him. Howard said he asks him to do something and he'll leave the room and tell him to try something. Howard said he isn't that good yet.
Howard asked if he writes a song for Seth's show, does he get paid for it? Fred said if 5 band members write a song together they all split it. Howard asked if he picked everyone in the band. Fred said he did and they were psyched. He said that they're still really psyched. He said he didn't know the drummer but she was Beyonce's drummer.
Howard asked if they still hang out with the cast of Saturday Night Live. Fred said that they're right there next to the studio. He said that the new cast is great. He said he watches every week.
Howard asked if Lorne asked him to just try this out and if it doesn't work they'll let them go. Fred said it wasn't in those words but they say ''lets give this a try.'' He said that they put some people together to have a look and a sound and they see how it works out. Fred said if something doesn't work out then it's for his own good. Howard said he has a Zen like outlook on this stuff. Fred said that if something doesn't work out then he's being protected if they take him out of that.
Howard said Bill Hader was on the show and he was jealous of Fred because he just walks in and nails something. He said Bill said he has to work really hard on his stuff. Fred said Bill kills it all the time though. He said that's the way he thinks about Bill too. Howard asked if he works hard on his stuff. Fred said he feels like he could work harder.
Howard asked Fred about doing dress rehearsals for Seth's show. Howard asked if they had a pretend guest. Fred said they had Kathie Lee and Hoda since they're in the building. Howard said they don't air it anywhere. Fred said Colin Quinn did it too. Howard said he thinks that he would want people to see the show. Fred said they want to build a relationship too. Howard asked if he was nervous doing it. He guessed he wasn't. Fred said that he really wasn't. He said that the band sounded fine and they don't have to write bits or anything. Fred said he gets to play guitar and hang out with his friends. Howard said it's like a hobby hour for him.
Howard asked when he has to get to work. Fred said he has to be in at 11. He said they rehears the whole day. Howard asked if he's getting paid really well for this. Fred said maybe. He said there's a song credit for the theme song and a salary. Howard asked if he had to negotiate. Fred said maybe. He said it's very complex. He said he has song writing credits and the salary and all of that. He said he's told numbers and he just zones out.
Howard said he read that he's worth $7 million. Fred said he doesn't know. He said he doesn't explore that. Howard asked if he doesn't know what he makes on Seth's show. Fred said he knows some of it but not the whole thing. He said he knows his salary. Howard asked if he's making a million. Fred said he doesn't want to do the math. Fred said it works for him not to think about that stuff. Howard said maybe he stays a kid that way. Fred said maybe that's it. Fred said that Carrie Brownstein knows that kind of stuff with Portlandia. He really doesn't keep track of it himself.
Howard said Fred has a lot going on. He said he could be worth $7 million. Howard asked if he goes up to Lorne's house in Maine. Fred said he does. Howard said he got invited to a small dinner with Lorne. Fred said he knows about the diner. He said he was jealous when he heard about it. Howard said he and Lorne had so much fun. He said he spent a good hour or two questioning Lorne about his life. He said he's an interesting guy. Howard said the dinner was about 4 hours but he spent a good one or two of that asking him questions. Fred said Lorne is a very good producer. He said he's very visual too. He said he and Lorne talk about Howard a lot. He said that interview he did last year was a highlight of his career.
Howard said he thinks that his gig on Seth's show is a great thing. Howard asked what happens when he's not there. Fred said that they have someone filling in for him. He said that he'll be gone the whole summer writing and shooting Portlandia.
Howard asked Fred about what he'll do when he gets to work. Fred said it's a little intense. He said they have 5 commercial breaks and they have to come up with songs. He said they record it on their iPhones and have to figure out what they're going to play. Howard said people probably think he's not that involved but this is a real gig.
Howard asked if he has discussed it with Rob Zombie at all. Fred said they haven't yet. He said they'll have something to talk about.
Howard asked about leaving SNL and what that was like. Fred said you just know it when you should leave. He said a bunch of people left last year. Howard said Kristen Wiig said she lost it when he whispered in her ear ''I love you.'' Fred said it was an emotional week. They had a lot of people leaving. Howard said he loves seeing the real stuff that happens back stage and on stage. He said he has been watching the Birthday Bash video and they have some of that going on. He said he can watch it even when he has no idea what they're saying.
Howard said Kristen Wiig really cried when he whispered in her ear. Fred said it was a very emotional week. Howard asked if he liked everyone there. Fred said absolutely. He said he felt that it was a lucky break for him working there.
Howard asked Fred what he thinks about this whole thing with hiring a black person for SNL. Fred said he couldn't believe how that blew up. He said he didn't understand why people had to answer for that. He said they were asking him about it on the red carpet and he wasn't even there anymore. Fred asked what Howard thought of it. Howard said he felt bad for the show. He said they had women playing black women on the show and they were fine and funny but the new black chick they hired is really funny too.
Howard asked Fred about this fear of heights he has. Howard said Fred had to put his hood on so he couldn't see out the windows of the building. Fred said it's a real thing and he feels like he's going to fall. He said he feels it throughout his whole body. Fred said he would go to the 100th floor for this show but there are some shows there at Sirius where you can see out the windows of the studios. Howard said the like to have it open like that there. Fred said he has to look at the wall and not out the windows. He said he's a grown man and he has to do that. Fred said he feels it from head to toe. He said airplanes are fine but buildings he can't handle.
Howard said he had a guy who had to walk up to their studio when they were doing interviews. He said that's how bad his fear of heights was. Fred said he hates going over bridges too. He said his friend wanted to walk over the Golden Gate Bridge and as soon as he started he freaked out. Fred said he's tried to fight it but he can't.
Howard asked when this started. Fred said he can't remember. Howard asked what floor he lives on in his building. Fred said it's only like the third or fourth. He said he had to do Modern Family out in Los Angeles and he had to go to the 60th floor and it terrified him.
Howard said Jim Breuer told a story about how he wanted to date Fred's sister but he was terrified of Fred back then. Fred said he was never rough or anything in high school. He said he's friendly with Jim now. He said they're friendlier now than ever before.
Howard said Portlandia is starting up again on Thursday nights on IFC. Howard asked what the fuck IFC is. He said it's hard to find. Fred said he thinks people are finding it. Fred said there are a lot of channels people end up finding.
Howard said Fred met Steve Jobs. Fred said he did. Howard said that is the biggest loss for Apple. Fred said they used to come out with things that made you ask ''Why?'' He said he was confused by the iPhone when it came out. Howard said he was angry about the iPad when it came out. He said he saw Jimmy Kimmel using it and he was angered by it. Fred said Apple knew better than we did. Fred said Howard used to say they had to keep Steve Jobs alive. Fred said that guy was obsessed and that's what you need. Howard said he has the feeling they don't have guys like that at Apple anymore. Howard said he doesn't know how they let him die. Fred said it should have been a national thing to keep him going somehow.
Howard asked where he met Steve Jobs. Fred said he has a picture of himself with Steve on his phone. Fred said he doesn't have his phone with him. Fred said he did an impression of Steve on SNL. He said that Steve would repeat numbers and lull you into a sleep. He said they opened the Apple store on 5th Ave and they arranged for the cast of SNL to be there. Howard asked if they were paid for that. Fred said no. Howard said it sounds like they're not paid to do anything. Fred said you go there and they give you a laptop or something. Fred said that's great though. Fred said it was great getting to meet Steve Jobs. He said it's like meeting the Pope. He said Steve showed up and there he was. He said the impression he did was for an invisible iPad. He said that Steve did the same hand gesture he did on SNL and that was so great. Fred said he was blown away when he got to meet him.
Howard asked Fred about meeting Prince too. Fred said he had an after party of his own after SNL. Howard said that's ridiculous that he had to have his own after party. Fred said he went up to Prince while he was eating Macaroni and Cheese. He said he told him he thinks he's the greatest and Prince said he thinks that the greatest is this Macaroni and Cheese. Fred said he had to get up and walk away. Howard said it pisses him off when he does stuff like that. Howard said he was on Arsenio Hall's show giving one word answers and people would cheer for him. Howard said that really pisses him off.
Howard asked Fred if he's dating a ton of chicks. Fred said he's dating around. Howard asked if he has a rotation going. Fred said he's just single and dating around. Howard asked who they are. Fred said he knew one for a long time and they started dating a little bit. Howard asked why this woman was into him all of a sudden. Fred said it goes both ways. He was into her too. Howard said he usually bangs a chick right away. He asked if Fred is into that too. Fred said he might do that. He said there are different situations.
Howard asked if a girl comes up to him on the street, would he bang them. Fred said yes. He said it can be dangerous. He said he still enjoys it though. He said sometimes it turns out well. He said there's something about a stranger that's just enticing to him. He said there's a whole world there with them. Howard said when you're well known the difficulties of dating are skipped. Fred said you have a different feeling about yourself too. Howard said that women might talk about him being good in bed if he's working on his technique. Fred said he likes it so much like any human being. Howard asked what his best move is. Fred said he doesn't think he has a move like that. Howard said he doesn't think he has a move like that. His move is cumming and that's the only thing he's good at. Fred said he just knows that he really likes it. He said he likes being single and being able to travel. Howard said he may not ever settle down. Fred said he doesn't think he's made for that. He said he enjoys dating.
Howard asked Fred if he's afraid of letting go of women ever. Fred said he doesn't think that far ahead. Howard asked if he lets the women know that he's into dating. Fred said he does. He said that he hopes that someone will accept that about him. Howard said women will think he's charming and they'll think they can change him. He said that's good for him. Robin said there are some guys that can make that work and they're friendly with their ex's. Fred said it's all turned out alright so far.
Howard asked what season this is for Portlandia. Fred said it's the fourth and he can't believe it. He said people are so nice about it. He said he can't believe what it's turned out to be. Howard asked what they do this week. Fred said it's a sketch show. He said they do all kinds of things. Howard said that means you should just watch it and see what it's like.
Howard gave Fred a plug for being the band leader on Late Night with Seth Meyers. Fred said he's a big fan of Howard's and his fans are great out on the street too. He said they're always so warm toward him. Howard said he hasn't met those fans. He said he's still trying to find them.
Fred said he thinks that he and Howard have different tastes in women. He said he doesn't agree with Howard on a lot. Howard asked if he thinks Sophia Vergara is hot. Fred said she is. Howard said he doesn't think she's all that. Fred said he finds it very interesting when he talks about people. Howard asked him to give him a name of a woman he'd like to have sex with. Fred mentioned this singer Feist that Howard had never heard of. Howard said he doesn't get that. Howard said he would think he would want Tina Fey or someone like that. Howard told Gary to bring him a picture of this Feist woman. Fred said maybe they should save that conversation for another time.
Howard said he wants to come in and play guitar with Fred and the band but he has to get better. Howard said maybe he can come in and play with the band and that will help.
Gary came in with a picture of Feist. Howard said she's very pretty. Howard said she looks kind of like Kristen Wiig a little bit. Howard wrapped up with Fred and said they'll have to get together with Rob Zombie. Howard asked if it's okay for Jim Breuer to fuck his sister. Fred said he encourages that. They went to break after that.
Howard took another call from a guy who said Howard should go on SNL now that he's talking to Lorne. Howard said he doesn't care about going on the show. He said he's a fan of the show though. Howard said years ago they asked him to be on SNL but he was an asshole and said he had to write all of his stuff.
Howard said he has a note saying that Obama does follow Hanzi and he's only one of 600,000 or so that he follows. Howard said that he must have stood out in some way.
Howard took a call from Speech Impediment Man who said that was a great interview with Fred. He asked if he has thought of doing a movie with Lorne. Howard said he just had a great conversation with him and he admires him very much. Speech said that he needs to be back on the movie screen. Howard thanked him for that.
Howard said Obama is now following Yucko the Clown. Howard said they're running kind of late so he can't spend too much time on this other stuff. Howard said AGT has extended the date for video auditions. He said you can do that at AGTAuditions.com
Howard said they have a bunch of new stuff on HowardStern.com. He said he has a blog that someone wrote about how to be a good caller. Howard said they have the Imran Khan song parody up on the site now too. Howard played some of that song about Hanzi. Howard said he sings that song all the time. He said it's fantastic and it's from Psych.
Howard said there's a new Metallica song out. He said they played it in concert and someone recorded it. Howard said he's been listening to Sinead O'Connor and she had a song called Mandinka. Fred found the song and played it but Howard thought it was the wrong song. Howard said there's another one where she sings ''Mandinka'' and howls. Fred played more of the song he started to play and that was the right one. Howard said she was good.
Howard said there's a great song that Bush put out that he loved. He said it was called Synapse. Howard asked Fred if he had that in the system. Fred said it wasn't in there. Howard said it was on their album ''Deconstructed.'' Fred found the song and played it for Howard. Howard quieted down for a minute. He said that's really good. He said it gets even better. Howard said it makes him want to cut himself just so he can feel.
Howard said he turned his office into an art studio and he had that song playing. He said Beth wants nothing to do with that whole thing. He said he was siting on the floor doing some stuff in his office and Beth took a picture of him with his shirt off from behind. He said his whole ass crack is showing. Howard said he was organizing his magic markers when she took it. Howard said he's an artist now. He said he's painting, drawing, sketching, journaliing and more. Howard said Beth complains that he's in his room all day but he tells her he's an artist. Howard said he threw the furniture out of the room and now he paints in there. He said he's like Leonardo DeDouchebag.
Howard said he has this Bush song playing and it inspired him to make some art. Howard said he may never show it to anyone. He said he painted a picture of Albert Einstein and he looks like Larry from the Three Stooges. Howard said Beth asked what he was going to do with it and he said ''Never show it to anyone.''
Howard said he had to take a break after that. He did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard asked Robin if she wishes she could sing. Robin said she can't but she would like to. She said she'd like to sing in his new band. Howard said she's as bad as he is. He said she's in though.
Howard said he has a new phony phone call to play. He said he will do that tomorrow. Howard said he forgot to ask Fred Armisen if he hates his first name as much as their Fred does. Howard said Fred changed his name to Eric. Fred said it keeps seeming to find him so it doesn't work. Fred said he thinks that Fred is fine with it. Robin said she got stuck with Ophelia. Howard said Robin is nice though.
Howard said they mentioned that Wesley Warren the big balls guy dying. Howard said he carried his balls around in a hoodie. Howard said he will be remembered for his balls. He said what's so ironic is that he walked around with those giant balls and then got them operated on. He said he got them removed and then he drops dead 2 years later. Howard said that's like couples who lose their spouse and die a week later. Howard said he thinks the guy missed his balls. Howard said they had a milk crate that he had his balls resting on and they should put that in the shrine they have. Howard said they have a bunch of things in there. He said that they should put that crate there.
Howard said there's a military guy who says that he thinks the Malaysian airliner that disappeared was hijacked and will be used in a terrorist act eventually. Howard said he's still not even sure where Malaysia is himself.
Howard said he read that Robin was the host of Women of Influence Awards show. Howard asked what's up with that. Robin said that's coming up in May. Robin said they are honoring several women and she's just hosting the event. Howard said Hoda Kotb is one of the women being honored. Howard said there's a designer and a program director from Z100 who will be honored. Howard said Robin should be honored. Robin said she already was. Howard said Robin has had thousands of songs written about her. That program director just plays thousands of songs. He said he has a bunch of new ones to play. He played one for Robin and one from Eli Braden about him. Howard said he was inspired when he heard him playing ''Hurt.'' Eli was singing about how it was the worst sound he's heard. Howard said he's going to stop playing his parodies. He was laughing when he said that. He said he actually thought that was funny.
Howard asked Robin to get to some news. Howard asked what the big news is. Robin said she thinks the big news is when they do a story about 60 being the new 30 they have Howard's picture in it. Howard said he was very excited about that. Robin said they say there is no senior slowdown for these people. Howard said 60 is actually the new 60. He said it's the same shit. Robin read the story where they mentioned Howard since he had that big birthday party show in January.
Robin read about L'Wren Scott's death and how Mick Jagger is taking care of the funeral arrangements. She was just his girlfriend so Robin said she was fascinated by that. Robin said she's not sure how many kids Mick Jagger has but all of them are rushing to his side to help him through this. Robin read through some of the details of the story and said that she was just days from turning 50. Howard said her name wasn't really L'Wren either. Howard said she was from Utah so it wasn't anything like that. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said that guy Fred Phelps died. He was from that church that did the ''God Hates Fags'' thing. Howard said they would go to soldiers and tie that in with gay stuff. He said it was crazy shit. Howard said he's going to get a bunch of gay guys to show up at his funeral. Robin said they should have full on sex at his funeral. Howard said they should do a Weekend at Bernie's but call it Weekend at Fred Phelps' and have him in an all man bukakke movie and then go to a gay bar. He said maybe at the end they can have dogs eat his body. Howard said you know this country will find a new anti-gay leader.
Robin read a story about a performance artist who threw up on Lady Gaga while she was singing. Robin said she is known for vomiting her art and she did this to Lady Gaga. Now they're saying that this is glamorizing bulimia. Robin said she wouldn't want to see that in a show. Howard said it seems like something Benjy and Elisa would do.
Howard had some clips from the God Hates Fags guy. Howard said he had some clips of him from the show. Howard played one where Fred Phelps was telling Howard about why he was against the gays and all of that. Howard said it turns out God Loves Fags and Fred is in heaven getting butt fucked right now. Howard played more of the audio of Fred talking about how homosexuality is an abomination. Howard said it's so ridiculous. Howard said he's glad he's dead.
Howard played another clip where Phelps was talking about how he thinks God created AIDS to kill off the gays. Phelps said that something has to stop them. Robin asked why God doesn't just stop making them. Phelps had his own answer for that. He quoted some verse in the bible about that. Howard played more of the clip and KC Armstrong told Howard about Phelps being a convicted felon. Phelps skirted around that story.
Howard said he likes hearing Jackie in those clips making noises in the background. Fred did his impression of Jackie making those noises.
Robin read about the Oscar Pistorius trial and how they're in their 4th week now. Howard asked what's taking so long. Howard said if the prosecutor can't get this guy convicted he should quit his job. Robin read more details about that case and what's been going on with that. Robin said they are expecting some jail time for Oscar. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Howard told Robin that this week's Walking Dead was great. Robin said she hasn't seen it yet. Robin said her heart is in her throat every week she watches. Howard said he thought it was something else in her throat. Fred played some BJ porn clips before Robin got back to her news.
Robin read a story about a woman who was kicked out of a gym for wearing a head scarf. Robin said she violated their dress code. Howard said he read about a woman who was kicked out for not wearing enough clothes and intimidating other clients. Robin asked Howard how he feels about the head scarf thing. Howard said it scares him. He said he's scared by anyone who wants to look different. Howard asked Robin if she's friends with anyone who wears one. Robin said she has socialized with men who have head dresses on. Howard said the thing must smell after a while.
Howard said he was reading about how the government turned off Twitter in Turkey. Howard said they must not have a lot of problems there if that's their main priority. Howard said it amazes him when a government shuts down any kind of freedom. Robin said that's why they do it.
Robin read a story about President Obama being at the G8 summit today and how they're going to be talking about the situation in Ukraine.
Howard said a woman found a lizard head in her Kale salad. Howard asked who eats kale. Howard said he actually does. Fred was playing a bunch of Jackie sounds while they were talking about that. He had Howard laughing.
Robin read a story about a class action suit against a Johns Hopkins doctor who video taped his patients during exams. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that. Robin said the doctor committed suicide after he found out he was discovered last year.
Robin read a story about a mud slide in Washington state. Robin said 8 people are confirmed dead and a bunch are missing. Robin had some audio of some officials talking about that.
Howard said if you hold your nose you can't hum for more than 6 seconds. Howard told Robin to try it. Robin did it and it lasted about 1 second. Howard said if you have a deviated septum then you can hum longer. Howard tried it too and he didn't last long either. Howard had Fred try it. Fred sounded like he was doing his David Brenner impression.
Robin read a story about New York City schools have a suicide problem. Robin said 10 students have killed themselves since the start of the year. Howard said he believes it. He said he was too stupid not kill himself. Fred was still throwing in Jackie sounds here and there during the news.
Robin read about the search for the missing Malaysian airline. Gary came in and said that they just held a press conference and they have concluded that the plane crashed into the Indian Ocean. Howard said that they have the worst government over there. They have no idea what they're doing. He said they just lie or say shit. Gary said they don't have any proof that it's there. He said they just think that's where it is. Robin said a Chinese plane spotted some stuff and they think that's where it is. Howard said they keep finding stuff but it's not the plane. Howard said the Malaysian government just wants this story to go away at this point. Gary said if the United States hasn't concluded that then he's not going along with anything.
Howard said Carol Leifer had posted the Paul Reiser article about David Brenner. He said he has to thank her for that. Howard said they did a bit on the show where they had David try to guess which woman he had sex with and David wasn't able to pick her out.
Robin read about how there's a Noreaster heading up their way. Robin said it could dump another few inches of snow in New York. Howard said this is unbelievable. He asked what's going on with this winter. Robin said people are getting concerned about global warming and they may be right. Howard said he wants some warming.
Robin read about how the deadline for signing up for the Affordable Health Care Act is coming up in about a week. Howard said he just dripped water in his lap and now it's going to look like he peed his pants.
Robin read a story about John Lennon's doodles going up for auction. Robin said they could bring up to $800,000. Howard said he'd want his house for that kind of money. Howard said he should own Yoko for that money. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard brought up that Michael Vick is coming to the New York Jets. Howard said he doesn't like the guy no matter what. Howard said Gary must be excited about him coming in. Gary said he's not excited about him as a player. He said the guy went to jail and did his time. Gary said there are guys playing who killed people so why not him. Gary said he's not the savior they need. Gary said he thinks he has the right to play again.
Robin read a story about older fathers being more likely to produce ugly children. Howard said he believes that. He joked about how he'd hide his kid in a basement if they turned out ugly. Howard was doing the voice of his child as if it were the Elephant Man. Howard had the kid asking to leave the basement and not letting him out. Howard said he'd only let the kid out at night.
Robin read a story about the number 1 movie at the box office being Divergent. Robin said it did $56 million which topped The Muppets Most Wanted. Robin said she can't believe that they made a Mr. Peabody and Sherman movie. Howard didn't even know there was one. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:35am.
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Jon took a call from a guy who asked how Richard is doing after both of his teams lost. Jon said Richard was kind of bummed. He said Richard was out having mimosas though so it didn't knock him down too much. Jon said it's not like when Halloween passes. He said today he was alright in the office.
Jon said he wants to talk about Fred Armisen a little bit. He said when Fred is there he's so taken by Howard. He said he loves when guests come in and don't hide that. He said Lorne Michaels treats him like that too. He said Fred sees himself as a true artist. He said he thinks that Fred has a great attitude toward everything. He said he doesn't seem to care that much about the money and cares more about the art. He said that's very difficult to do in show business. Jon said he's still doing Portlandia and he's been very successful. Jon said they also got to hear him drum. He said everyone forgets how talented he really is. Jon said he thought he was fantastic.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he felt that Howard wanted to ask Fred if he's gay the whole interview. Jon said he didn't pick up on that at all. He said he doesn't think anything was being implied there. He said he didn't think that was the case at all.
Gary came in so Jon asked him about Fred and how he just tells Howard how he feels about him. He said he likes it when a guest does that. Gary said he did Jimmy Fallon's show a few years ago and Fred came down to say hello to him. He said that he's a big time fan and he's the real deal. He said that led to him coming on the Wrap Up Show and then the show.
Jon said it sounds like Howard, Fred and Rob Zombie are going to get together and hang out. Gary said he saw Fred out in L.A. last year and they talked about their vinyl collections. He said he's big into the music. Jon said you can tell he loves creating music. Gary said he has a steady gig and he can leave and do his own thing when he wants. He said there is no down side. Gary said he'll get to be a part of bands playing on the show and all of that.
Gary said he would love to sit down with Lorne Michaels. He said he now owns late night on NBC. He is running the show over there now. Gary said that guy is an interesting guy and he'd love to get him on the show some day. Jon said he has a lot of things going on and he's quietly a tremendous mogul in the business. Gary said he's been doing this for almost 40 years finding talent for Saturday Night Live. Jon said Fred was talking about how helpful Lorne is with his career and how that's all working out. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon asked Ronnie about what he thinks about them talking about his tattoos being all over the place. Ronnie said they're on one arm. He said that's not all over the place. Jon said some people get tattoos and they seem more orderly. Ronnie said he wasn't planning to get a sleeve. He said he just gets them done when he gets them done. Gary said he heard he's a bleeder. Ronnie said not always.
Jon asked Ronnie what people say about him having nothing but animals on his arm. Ronnie said he likes animals. He said he has his dog Dudley and his other dog Botts on there. He has a panther on there too. Then on his other arm he has a Superman logo on there. He said he liked that new logo.
Gary asked Ronnie about the thing above the scorpion. Ronnie said it's a skull and that was the first one he got. Gary asked about the other one above that. It may have been part of the Superman tattoo. Ronnie said it was probably blood.
Benjy asked if it was emotional getting the dog on his arm. Ronnie said it was very emotional. He said it was pretty messed up when he saw it completed. He sounded like he was about to break down as he talked about that.
Jon asked why he got the shark. Ronnie said Howard was going to get a tattoo and he wanted to get that one so he did it. He said he got one out in L.A. when Howard was out there. He said Howard was gone before his even started.
Benjy asked if Ronnie's mom was upset with him for getting one since he's Jewish. Ronnie said she was okay with it.
Jon asked if Gary has ever wanted a tattoo. Gary said he has thought about getting one but he's never found one that he felt he had to have. Gary said he understands why Ronnie wanted what he got. He said he thinks King was just trying to stir up trouble today and he was getting Howard to pick on Ronnie.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's sick of King of all Blacks calling in and causing problems. He said no one cares if Ronnie got a tattoo of his dog.
Another caller said he thinks that King is just a trouble maker too. He said that they shouldn't take him that seriously because he's just a sanitation worker.
Jon asked why King gets under their skin. Ronnie said the way he talks about things he's comparing things to everyone else and it annoys the shit out of him. He said he knows it and that's why he does it. Gary said he doesn't agree with that caller said about King being a sanitation worker. He said the guy works hard. He said some people find him funny. Benjy said King always thinks he ''got you'' with the stuff he brings up and he's so convinced of it. Gary said he's right. They had to go to break a short time later.
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Gary said that Joan said she wasn't going to tell that story about David Brenner coming to her and asking for half the money. He said she said she wasn't going to tell the story on the air and he didn't bring it up to Howard. then she went in and that was the story she started off with.
Jon mentioned the bracket that Joan did in the end. Mel Brooks came out the winner. Gary said he thinks that was about right. He said that she knows him and he's a good guy.
Jon took a call from a guy who said they were talking about how in awe of Howard Fred was. He said everyone is in awe of him. Jon said he agrees but it's rare that a celebrity will come in and express it like Fred does. Gary said there was a time when it wasn't politically correct to say something like that. He said that there are more and more people who are willing to admit it these days.
Jon took another call from a guy who brought up Michael Vick who said he doesn't think he should be playing football. He said there are people who have killed people and they shouldn't be playing either. Gary asked who should be in charge of saying that. The caller said he thinks the NFL should be doing that. He said he shouldn't have the right to play anymore. The caller said he thinks what he did was terrible and he doesn't think he served enough time. Gary said he could sit there and find out who his favorite teams are and he's sure he can find someone who has broken the law on some level. He said he thinks he has the right to play but if the caller doesn't then he shouldn't buy a ticket to a game. Gary said he thinks he understands what he did and he knows he did wrong.
Jon said Howard is in the guitar zone now and he has been playing great. Gary said he came in and heard Howard playing when they got there this morning. He said he let Howard play for about 2 minutes and he had to stop him to get to the stuff he had to get to. He said Howard had to put the guitar down. He said Howard wasn't happy about that but they had things to get done.
Jon said he thinks that they'll hear more and more guitar playing over the coming weeks. He said he's getting into it and he thinks that he'll stick with it. He said he thinks he'll pick it up from time to time. Gary said it's one of those things you can do from time to time when you get good at it. Steve Brandano said Howard said today that it's getting to the hard chords like the B and F. He said that's where you'll see if he can master it. He said if he can get the B then he'll keep rolling.
Jon asked Ronnie if he'd play in the band. Ronnie said no. He doesn't have any desire to do that. He said Lisa G wants to be in it. He said she has that smile on her face like she wants to be part of it. Lisa said she wants to play guitar. Lisa said she doesn't want to try out with the violin. Lisa said she thinks she's good on guitar. Gary said that she's played violin forever though. Lisa said she may not be the greatest though.
Benjy asked if it's because the violin is so sacred to her. Lisa said she doesn't want to play and have people thinking she really does suck.
Gary said he thinks the violin would work with the band. He said she has to be reasonably good to play chamber music. Lisa said there are all different levels. Lisa said Richard is really good on drums and Fred is really good on guitar. Ronnie said that Scott thinks that he shouldn't have to audition. Steve said it sounds like Fred is out too. Gary said he doesn't think that Fred is out. He said it has to be Howard and Fred. Steve said he's not sure about that. Jon said Richard has to audition and he's one of the top 50 drummers of all time.
Jon asked Lisa to get to her news preview. Lisa ran down a few stories they have coming up today on Howard 100 News. She mentioned that Eric the Actor is going to be on Leiberman Live today and Gary said he heard Eric has started Tweeting again even though he said he was going to stop. He said they have to look into that.
Jon was ready to end the show but Gary wanted to say a few words about David Brenner. He said David was the first guy to treat him like he was a real producer and he loved the guy. He said he just had to say how great he was. Benjy said a few words about him and so did Ronnie. Ronnie said he remembers when they taped David Brenner's TV show. The guys got in some plugs and quickly mentioned Wesley Warren dying before they ended the show. They were done around 11:25am.
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Howard started the show talking about how much he had to get to today. He took a call from a guy who said he thought yesterday's Joan Rivers interview was great. Howard said he loved her tribute to David Brenner. He said David was such a good guy. The caller asked if he could put out for Joan Rivers and have sex with her. Howard said no of course he couldn't. Robin asked if he could do it to save the world. Howard said the world would be doomed. Howard said he can't even imagine the scenario. He said there's no way that could happen. He said she's an 81 year old woman. He said he's not into 81 year old women. The caller said she's not going to be around much longer. He said if he had sex with her then it would save her. Howard said there would only be shame if he did. Howard said he is not going to do it. Robin said he could do it for the prestige. Howard said he doesn't think there ever was prestige.
Howard said that was a odd conversation. He took another call from a guy who said it seems like his respect for Benjy has grown over the years. Howard said it really changed when he got the part in Sharknado. Howard said he loves the idea of Sharknado. He said when Benjy was taped to be in it he went up in his book. He said he can't wait to see his work. Howard said he got Elisa Jordana too and that made him go up in his book too. Howard said he used to say it was because he was on the Howard Stern Show that he got her. Howard said then as time went on she fell in love with Benjy. He said now she's madly in love with him. He said he must be doing something. He said he's very Svengali like. Robin said prisoners often fall in love with their captors. Howard said he goes down with people like Charles Manson and David Koresh.
Howard said Elisa is madly in love and wants to marry Benjy. Benjy said they're talking and they'll see what happens. Howard said he thought he'd rush to marry her. Howard said if you don't admire this guy then you're crazy. Howard said he has that power like David Koresh. He said he's like a cult of one. Howard said as long as there are more Elisa's out there he can keep going.
The caller asked if he thinks he could have gone into any other type of thing in the entertainment industry. Howard said he thinks he was built for radio. He said it's just so right for him. He said he doesn't have a face for television. He said he doesn't think he could have worked in that medium. He said he's not an actor either. He said it was radio that was right for him. Robin asked what he would have done if there was no radio. Howard said he could have gotten into sales or something. Howard said he always gave his boss 100 percent of his energy. He said he thinks success can be manufactured. Howard said people say they don't have a talent but if you work at it you can have that talent. Howard said he was the worst person on the radio in terms of talent. He said he started at the bottom and he was awful on the air. He said it's painful to listen to. He said he had such a desire to be good at it that he spent every minute working at it.
Howard said the seed was planted very early on since his dad worked at a recording studio. Howard said no one would have bet money on him and thought he'd go as far as he did. Howard said people are still in shock that he has gotten this far. He said people wonder if he made a deal with the devil. He said even the devil doesn't want to know him. He said he was a neurotic mess. He said people will do the same thing he did and they will not get the success he has had. He said you need that unique mind. Howard said you can go far with hard work though. He said if you work hard and earn everything yourself then you have a sense of pride. Howard said his mom tells him about how no one gave him anything. He said no one looked at him and said they were going to give him a break. He said it's more fulfilling at the end of the day.
The caller said he thinks Howard is very compelling on radio. He said he can't imagine him on TV. Howard said he has a lot of offers now. He said he could be on TV. He said he is on TV with AGT. The caller said it doesn't capture the unique Howard though. Howard said he is mulling over some offers on TV now. He said he values his days so much that he doesn't have time for it. He said he could be on though. He said he could do pretty much anything he wants to.
Howard said that was an exclusive. He said hard work gets you places. Robin said it's hard to do hard work for something that's not inspirational to you. Howard said he's actually reading a book by Twyla Tharp where she tells you how to make this work for you in life. He said she has a couple of books out about that. (The Creative Habit: Learn It and Use It for Life and The Collaborative Habit: Life Lessons for Working Together)
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's turning 50 tomorrow and it's so depressing. Howard said he's 10 years older than him and he knows what that's like. Howard said it is depressing. He said you start to think about how much time you have left. He said you never really know. Howard said you do the math and you realize you're on the ''back 9'' as Billy Joel told him once. The caller said he was out with a 46 year old and he wondered why he was out with an old bag like that. Howard said the woman is thinking the same thing about him. Howard said you have to think about the alternative of being dead.
Howard said it's upsetting to think that everyone is going to die. Howard said the life expectancy is about 76 so he thinks he has about 20 more years to go. Howard said they have a picture of Mick Jagger and he thinks he looks pretty good for that age.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's following Jimmy Fallon's show. Howard said he follows them all. The caller asked if he saw Billy Joel on Jimmy's show. Howard said he did. He said that Billy came out and sang with Jimmy. Howard said he may have inspired that because he had a bunch of people at his house and Jimmy and Billy were there. He said it was a magical night. He said Jimmy is a very good musician. Howard said Billy and Jimmy bonded that night and Jimmy had Billy on the Tonight Show. He said that they sang a song together and that's exactly what they were doing at his house that night. Howard said Billy sounds great too. He said on May 9th he's doing a show and he's going to donate the proceeds from the show to Bianca's Furry Friends. Howard said it was a spectacular gesture. Howard said that's just crazy. He said he's giving publicity to the whole situation and money to it. Howard said Billy has been such a dear friend. He said he's really moved by the guy. He said he saw Fallon and saw them performing and it was like everyone got to see what they were doing in his living room.
The caller said Jimmy Fallon has been doing great interviews but they're too short. He said they should go back to an hour and a half show. Howard said some people say they want more substance but he thinks they don't really want it. Howard said anything long form doesn't seem to hold people's attention. He said you can tell when people get fed up and tune away. Howard said he has seen the research with AGT. He said people have the attention span of a fly. He said he sees that people only want to see a pretty woman and not listen to her talk. Howard said people have attention spans that are very short and they just want to go to sleep.
The caller said he thinks that the late night is too late. He said people don't stay up that late. Howard said if he was doing a show like that he would stick to long form. He said that Jimmy Fallon is trying to keep people entertained and not doing long interviews. The caller said he has the opportunity to break the format. Howard said he's not going to do that if he's not comfortable with it. Howard said he has to take a break so he let the guy go and went to break.
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King said he called because he saw a picture that Beth tweeted out where he saw the treadmill they have. He said it's like 10 g's. He said Howard is too much. Howard said he bought a treadmill. Howard said it wasn't 10,000. He said it was like 3 grand. King said maybe he didn't get top of the line then. Howard said the one they have is fine. King said he always does that when he sees pictures from them. Howard said other people do that and he hates it when Beth posts pictures from inside the house. He said that it's kind of weird. He said that people pick up on weird things. He said it feels weird to him and he doesn't like it. King said he knows what he means.
King said the reason he called today is because a lot of racial stuff was said on Twitter. He said Ronnie was retweeting and all he did was comment on his tattoo. He said people were calling him a monkey and things like that. Howard asked Ronnie if he did that. Ronnie said he didn't retweet anything like that. He said the only shit he did was about him and the tattoo. He said none of it was about racism. He said this guy is a liar and a trouble maker. He said he's a sick bastard. He said there is something wrong with him and he needs to see a shrink. Ronnie said he was only retweeting comments about the dog. He said he skipped the racist shit. He said King is an asshole.
King said that he did retweet some racial stuff. Howard said he sees some of the stuff Ronnie sent out and there was one where he said he looks like Rerun. Robin said she thought that was someone else. Gary said that was Dwayne Wayne. Howard said he has to get out of this conversation. Ronnie kept talking over King and King just wanted to ask a question.
King said he has no problem with Ronnie. Ronnie kept talking over him and Howard tried to get Ronnie to calm down. King said Ronnie said he loved his dog and got a tattoo. He said his mother passed away and didn't get a tattoo. Ronnie said maybe he has one of his mother on his ass. He said it's none of his business what he does. He said if he wants a tattoo of his dog he's going to do it and it's none of his business.
Howard said he put the name of his dog on him. Ronnie asked why King backed off of that yesterday. Howard said he has to get out of this yelling. Howard said he wants to hear what King has to say. King said the difference between what Howard has and Ronnie has is that Howard only has the name. He said it's low class what Ronnie did. He said he has a bald spot. He said Ronnie is going bald. Ronnie said that King has a heart condition and he'll probably die next week. Howard said he really has to get out of this. Ronnie kept yelling at King and King tried to respond but Ronnie was talking over him.
Gary said Jason just read through all of Ronnie's tweets and they found nothing racist. Howard had to hang up on King because he kept interrupting. Gary said King retweeted something with the N-word in it and it wasn't Ronnie. Howard said he has to get out of this. He said it's too early in the morning for this.
Howard said he mentioned the other day that the obvious choice for The Joker would be Gilbert Gottfried. Howard played a bit the guys put together using old Batman TV show clips and some Gilbert Gottfried clips playing The Joker.
Howard said that's a convincing argument for Gilbert to play The Joker. Howard said that's what he would sound like. Howard said he gives up. He said he's yelling at Hollywood. He said it's pissing him off.
Howard said the song parodies are coming in fast and furious. Howard said he had one called ''In Her Behind'' which is to the tune of a Johnny Cash song. Howard said this is from Bobby the Chorizo guy. Howard played that one and said that his songs are so badly produced that they're the best. He said he's singing over a vocal and his Robin sound effects are annoying and it's all perfect. He said it's like a perfect storm.
Howard played a song parody from Psych. He had a bunch of others that he quickly went through. He had some from Matt Evans, Eli Braden and more. He just played a couple of seconds of a few of them. Howard said that's just a smattering of what they got in.
Howard said they got a new one from Daniel Mendelson about JD. He played that as well. Howard said he even got that whoop that JD does. He said that's JD's 5th Symphony. Gary said that they have another 7 or 8 in that section and then a whole other page on the computer.
Howard said he knows Maria Menounos is there and he heard she was canned by Extra. Howard said he has to talk to her about how crazy her life is. They went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said that Maria Menounos is there. He said she has a new TV show called ''Chasing Maria Menounos'' that's on now. Howard said that her husband Keven Undergaro is there too. They played a song where they had Maria's laugh as the music and Maria was laughing at that. Keven said they're geniuses there. Howard said Dan the Song Parody Man put that together.
Howard said the first question he has for Maria is that she lost her gig on Extra. Howard said that was a primary source of income. Keven said she has been fired. Maria said that's so ridiculous. She said she has been let go. She said she's so devastated. Howard said she is the wage earner in the family. Keven asked ''what about me?''
Howard said there is pressure on Maria. He asked why she's smiling. Maria said she was not fired. She said she is still there. She hasn't been fired. Howard asked why they're reporting in the paper that she's gone. Maria said that's the way the world works. Howard asked why they would report that. Maria said there was a NY Post article that said she wasn't renewed and she was a diva and that got picked up. She said that she has not been fired.
Howard asked why they don't come out and say it's not true. Maria said they don't comment on things like that. Keven said they told him that they don't comment on those things. Maria said they may say something today. Keven said that has to be the number one thing for Maria. He said that would be like Sirius for Howard.
Howard asked if she likes Mario Lopez. Maria said she does. She said they get along. She said there is no friction there. She said they're not that close. Maria said they got together when they first started working together. She said when you start at a new place you do that. Maria said that Mario is very busy. Keven said he doesn't like him. He said he wants to fight him because he's a boxer. Keven said he's just kidding and he loves the guy. He said he's awesome.
Maria mentioned that they had haunted horror nights with Mario. Howard said that sounds like a nightmare to him.
Howard said he heard that Mario hates Maria. Keven said they say he hates her laugh too. Howard said he can't imagine that. He said he doesn't experience any of that stuff with Maria when he's around her. Maria said that people tell her that they're shocked by that stuff they say about her.
Howard said he thinks that Maria was there at Extra before Mario. Maria said she came in after him. Howard asked if the ratings went up when she came in. Keven said they ''...went up 30 percent, bitches.'' Keven said he's very proud of his husband. Howard asked when her contract is up. Maria said it's up later this year. Howard said he bets something is up. Maria said that Howard knows how this stuff works. She said she can't talk about what's going on.
Howard said he has a guess about what's going on. He said something is going on between her and Extra. He said it doesn't just come out of nowhere. Howard said he thinks they came to her with a shit offer. Maria said no. Howard asked if they came to her with any offer. Maria said she can't say. Howard said she can say. Maria said they don't want to lose her and they don't want to lose her. Howard said his prediction is that she'll be off Extra in a few months. Maria was smiling. Howard said she knows what he's talking about. Maria said that she's staying respectfully silent.
Howard said he watched Maria's show and he heard from Jillian Barberie that doing a reality show ruined her relationship. Howard asked if they thought about that before doing this show. Maria said they did. Howard said he finds it odd that they live with Maria's parents. Howard said that's kind of a drag. Howard said her dad is always asking her to have kids. Howard said she's paying his bills and their bedrooms are near each other. He said it's weird. Howard said the dad thinks it's weird that Keven isn't working and making the money. Maria said Keven did start an online network that just had an estimate of $5-10 million so he knows that's bull.
Maria said that her dad has diabetes and it's best that he lives there with them. Keven said he does things where he runs his blood sugar low and he can get into trouble. Maria said having them in L.A. with her is the most amazing thing. She said it wouldn't be fun to just live alone. She said they go home to Connecticut too. She said they come out there for a couple of months at a time. Keven said when he was the at home wife he didn't have to lift a finger when they were there. He said the house is very big too so it's not that bad. Howard asked if they hear them fuck. Maria said they don't. Keven asked what there is to hear. Howard said he has to ask her dad about that. Maria said she knows he's more respectful than that.
Howard asked if they've ever heard her parents fucking. Keven said they have. Maria yelled at Keven and said she's going to vomit. Keven said that her dad got a younger woman and he's still banging. Maria said he doesn't know that. Howard asked if he has seen her dad's penis. Keven said no. Maria said she hasn't either. She was freaking out and saying her well known ''No-wah'' to Howard's questions.
Howard asked if he's really heard them have sex. Keven said he hasn't. He said he's heard them make love. Maria said he's lying. Howard said Keven just gave him the heads up. Maria said that he's never told him that before.
Howard said Maria's dress is fantastic. Howard said she was voted hottest chick at the birthday show. Maria thanked him. She said that was an awesome show. Howard said Joan Rivers tied her for hottest chick.
Howard asked Keven what happened with the sex sounds he heard. Keven said it was just sex sounds. Maria yelled at him to stop. She said she's going to lose her voice and it's his fault. She said they're in the other room. Howard said he's going to ask them about it. He said they're in the other room. Maria said he can't do that.
Howard asked Keven if he told the dad he heard them. Keven said no. He said her dad is like a mountain man. He said he works 17-18 hours a day. He said he has heard them going at it. Maria told him to stop it. Keven said that they must have been hanging a frame then. Maria said that's not what she wants to talk about at this time in the morning.
Howard told the guys to bring in Maria's dad, Costas. Costas came in and Howard said he's from Greece. Howard said that's a great country. Howard asked if it's great to be the father of such a beautiful girl. Costas said he's still nervous. He said he likes Keven but a few years back he was against her relationship with him. Howard said Keven said he has heard them having sex in the room. Costas said that they do have sex so that's a fair question. He said he doesn't think he's making a lot of noise. Maria was freaking out. Robin told Maria he's fine. Howard asked if he has heard Keven and Maria having sex. Costas said he hasn't but he wouldn't allow that anyway.
Howard said they say Greeks are great lovers. Costas said they are. Howard asked if he has a large penis. Costas said he does. Maria was freaking out and told him not to answer. She asked him to please stop. Howard told her to sit down. Howard asked how many inches. Costas said he's not going to say. Howard said he must be very thick. Maria kept telling him not to answer those questions. Howard said he's very sorry. Maria said she's going to vomit all over the couch and floor.
Keven told Howard not to let them talk in Greek. Maria and Costas did that for a few seconds. Howard asked Costas if it was a great romance when he was dating Maria's mom. Costas said it was. He said they got married within a month. Maria said they're celebrating 40 years of marriage this year. Howard asked if they had sex before marriage. Costas said he's not going to say. Howard asked if they waited until the honeymoon to have sex. Maria was making noise like she didn't want him to answer. Howard said he may have to kick her out if she keeps that up.
Howard asked Costas if you have to know how a woman is in bed before marriage. Costas said that you do have to pass a test. He said that she learned that he was good.
Howard asked what the problem is with Maria and Keven not getting married. Costas said they have to have family. Howard asked if he was with a lot of women before Maria's mom. Costas said he had a lot of girls. Howard asked if he ever had 2 girls at a time. Costas said he may have had 4. Howard said he's a good looking guy so he gets that. Howard told Maria to go outside and have a cigarette. She was still freaking out over all of these questions.
Howard said there is no shame in a man saying that he has been with a lot of women. Howard asked if he ever had a black woman. Costas said he did not. He said he has had Asians. Howard said he has to applaud him. He said her dad has had sex with Asian women. Maria said she doesn't want to talk about this. Howard said she's afraid to get to know him. Howard said it's great to know about his life. Maria said she knows he's had an amazing life. Howard said he wants to know everything about his dad. He said it's interesting. Howard asked if he prefers his women shaved or unshaved. Costas said no to shaving. He said he likes it the way god made them. Howard said he is a real man. He said he likes women with a big bush. Maria was muttering ''Oh my god'' over and over again.
Howard said Maria told them that she has revived him from his diabetic thing. Costas said she has. Howard asked if he eats a lot of candy. He said no. Keven told Howard that they told him that if he eats too many carbs that turns to sugar and he could die from this. He said that he went the other extreme. He said his diet is so pure that his blood sugar goes too low. Maria said he had to learn that balance. Keven said that he has shown no signs of limb loss and he's amazing. He said they want to study him because of that.
Howard said Maria is a beautiful woman. Costas said that she looks like him. Howard said she could have ended up looking Asian if he had knocked up the Asian he slept with. Howard asked if he wore a condom. Costas said no. Howard asked if he just pulled out. Costas said yes he did. Howard said there was a good chance Maria could have been Asian then.
Howard asked if Costas enjoys anal. Costas said no. Howard asked if he ever did it. Costas said no. Maria kept asking Howard to please stop. Howard said her dad is a real man. He said he loves him on the show. He said he's very good on the show.
Howard said Costas must be very proud of his daughter. Keven said she has an at home man with her. Howard said Keven must have to behave around him. Howard asked if Keven ever spanks her around him. Costas said he doesn't. Howard asked if he would step in if he saw him doing that. Keven said Costas would kill him if he ever saw him doing that.
Howard asked Costas if he thinks Maria cheats on Keven with anyone. Costas said no. Howard said he thinks Keven is a great guy. Costas said she's with a woman she loves. He said that's all that matters. Keven said he just had to accept him for who he was.
Howard asked Maria about the ratings of the new TV show. Maria said they were fine with them. She said they're on a few channels. She said they're on Bravo and E!. She said that they got good ratings on Bravo. Maria said they brought in a lot of ads and they have a good audience watching. Howard said she was always hesitant to do this but he thinks it had something to do with them coming on this show that they did it. Keven said they got a few calls after their first appearance on Howard's show. He said the reason they have a show is because of their appearances there. Howard said he thinks they have an interesting thing going on there.
Howard asked if Maria's mom wants to come in. Maria said she doesn't think so. Costas said she's out there hiding somewhere.
Keven told Howard that Maria likes to have the lights out when they have sex. Howard said men are visual and they want to see that. Costas said he turns on his phone to get some light in the room.
Maria asked if Beth saw the TV show. Howard said he watched it and so did Beth. Then he said that he's not sure if she did.
Howard asked if it's true that Johnny Knoxville stole her phone. Maria said he has done that a few times. Keven said that he was getting weird texts from Maria's number and it was Johnny sending them. Maria said he is hilarious. She said that he took her phone and sent out these messages. She said that he would take it right out of her hands and send a racist comment to Wilmer Valderama. She said it was the funniest night. She said they had so much fun with Johnny and his wife.
Howard asked Costas if his wife makes noise in bed. Maria cut him off saying it's over. Keven said they should bring in Litsa. Howard asked Costas if he will ever watch porn. Maria told him not to answer. Costas said when he was single someone gave him some tapes. He said they were movie tapes. He said he put them in the back of his car and he went to pick up a friend who asked for a ride. He said coming over the border they opened the car and found the tapes. He said he never got the chance to see what was on them so they found out for him.
Howard said he watches Doctor Patient porn. He said he likes that. Howard said he didn't ask her father if he gets blow jobs. Howard asked if there's any of that going on. Maria yelled at Howard. Howard said she can't really be upset. Maria asked if he's kidding her.
Howard said Maria's show is called ''Chasing Maria Menounos.'' He said her name in a funny way so Maria corrected him. Costas said he told Maria not to change her name when she got into show business. Keven said Costas wants her to keep it when they get married and have kids too. Howard said that her name sticks out. He said they should be proud of their background. Howard said Costas was never ashamed. Howard said Maria shouldn't be ashamed that her father gets blow jobs. Costas said he doesn't get those. Howard said there's nothing wrong with that if they do it. Howard asked what crazy places they've had sex. Costas said they have done it outside.
Howard said Maria's dress is see through. Gary said it sure is. He said he can see her black thong. Howard said she is a beautiful girl. Howard said she wrestles too. Howard asked if Costas was scared of that. Costas said he was.
Howard asked if Maria had hot friends growing up. Costas said she did. Howard asked if he was attracted to them. Costas said he's not going to say.
Gary came in and said that she has to go. She's co-hosting the Kelly and Michael show. Howard thanked Costas for coming in. He congratulated him on that. Howard said that they learned a lot from Costas this morning. Howard said Maria is all shook up. Howard said that the show is called ''Chasing Maria Menounos'' on Tuesday nights on Oxygen. Howard said she's doing great in her career. Howard said they'll see in a couple of months what happens with Extra. Maria winked at Howard. Howard asked what's up with that. She said she was saying goodbye. Keven asked people to check into AfterBuzzTV.com if you're a TV fan. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard came back and said he was reading some email. He read some feedback about Joan Rivers and how sharp she still is. Howard said one guy said he usually hates Joan but she was good on Monday.
Howard said some people wrote in about David Brenner. Howard read one of those. Howard said someone said that Fred Armisen is so nice he can't be trusted. Robin said some people think that when someone is too nice they can't be trusted. Howard said he's not sure what the guy means. He said Fred is a sweetheart. Robin said it seems that way to her.
Howard said someone wrote in about Ronnie's tattoos and said they're childish and stupid. Howard said someone asked who did the cover of ''Friend of the Devil.'' Howard said that was the Counting Crows. Howard said he liked when they did that song in the studio. He said he's not a fan of the Grateful Dead though. They played some of the song he was talking about.
Howard said that was a great song. He said that's why he's getting a band together. Howard said he has to stop playing the guitar. He said he wants to be good at it and he feels that he might be too old. He said Twyla Tharp says that you should never say you're too old but he thinks he may be.
Howard had an email from someone asking him to take the microphone into the bathroom so they can hear him pee. He said he's done that in the past. He said he's not sure why anyone would want to hear that. Howard said they're right about Ronnie's tattoos. He said he's running out of space on his arms. Howard said he may have to grow another arm. Howard said maybe he can tattoo a logo for Animal Planet on his arm and he'd be complete. Howard said just about everything is an animal.
Howard said he thinks Scott should get a tattoo of three holes on his bald head so it looks like a bowling ball. He said that would be so great. Robin wondered if it hurts up there. Howard said he kind of likes the pain from a tattoo. He said he hurt himself today to see if he could feel. He said he focused on the pain. He was quoting the song ''Hurt'' and recited it like a poem.
Howard said that Maria Menounos is so striking. He said she was wearing a tight dress and the backside was see through. He said you could see her thong through it. Howard said that was some outfit. Howard said the light had to hit it but the whole studio is lit up so you could see through it. Howard said we'll see if his prediction comes true about her not being on Extra.
Howard said Medicated Pete is coming in to promote his appearance on Leiberman Live tonight. Howard said his ticks are becoming worse from what he was told.
Robin said she was reading that it's the 40th anniversary of Chuck Scarborough and he has no ticks and has remained handsome and beautiful for 40 years. Howard said he's always been a local guy and he's had this extraordinary career as a news man. Howard said not many guys can say that.
Howard asked Gary why this pitcher turned down a $140 million deal in Detroit. Howard said it's like the biggest deal in history but the guy turned it down. Gary said he's not following it but Jon Hein said the guy thinks he may be able to get a better deal.
Robin said they're supposed to get snow today. Gary said they may get up to 6 inches out on Eastern Long island.
Howard said it was good talking to him. Hanzi told him to hold on. He asked what's up with the movie parts. Howard said this is silly. Howard said he has nothing to talk about today. Hanzi started to freak out and said he won't get him work like he does for other people. Howard said he spent more time with him than other people. He played a song parody about Hanzi from Daniel Mendelson. Hanzi asked ''What the hell man?'' Howard said he doesn't get other people work. He said he got Eric the Actor some work. Hanzi said he knows that's a rib on him. Howard said he should ask Obama to get him some work. Hanzi said he's not going to respond to him.
Howard said if someone is interested in Hanzi they can get in touch with him. Hanzi said that he knows they're interested but they won't pass it along to him. Howard said he'll pass it along to him. Hanzi said that Howard said in 2008 that Seth Rogen should have him in his next movie. Howard said he said that if anyone was interested in him they can contact him and he'll pass it along to Hanzi. He said that's what they do for Eric and that's what they'll do for him.
Howard hung up on Hanzi and said he has Jimmy Fallon and Billy Joel on the line. It was actually Sour Shoes doing his impression of Billy Joel and Gary Dell'Abate. He didn't last long with that.
Howard said Tom Green has a TV show and someone called in and gave a Baba Booey and a Howard Stern's Penis mention. Tom's guys hung up on him and Tom asked them to get him back on the line. He said that was their first Baba Booey.
Howard played a clip from a golf championship game where some people were yelling out ''Baba Booey'' after the players would hit. The first one was really loud so Howard gave that a 12.
Howard played a clip of a guy trying to sneak in a Baba Booey on a live broadcast but they cut away at the last second.
Howard had another Baba Booey mention where they interrupted a live broadcast on the local CW11. Howard said that was a good try. Robin said she'd give that an honorable mention. Howard said you have to be on the mic to get an 11.
Howard said there was an announcer on a basketball game and he said the term ''hack a Pollock.'' Howard said you have to know these days that it's not politically correct to say that. Howard wondered how you don't know that it's not appropriate. Howard played the clip of the guy saying it and then played his apology which was really lame.
Howard said an announcer said ''right off the dick'' during a broadcast. Howard played that one too. Howard said he must have been trying to say ''off the deck.'' Howard said maybe the ball was on the dick. He said maybe it was pulled right off his dick. Howard said they say Reggie Miller is so well endowed that he can pick the ball up with his dick.
Howard had a clip of a coach crying after a game. Howard said he's not sure why anyone would get that worked up over a basketball game. The guy was crying for quite a while. Howard said one of these days he'll cry on the air and they can make fun of him.
Howard said Metallica has a new song called ''The Lords of Summer'' and he thought it was pretty good. Howard played a clip of the song. He said that's some crazy shit. Robin said just when you think they can't get any heavier they do. Howard said he could work out to this stuff. He said this is very masculine. He said they're very virile. He said he can't wait to get into the gym and listen to this.
Howard said there's this guy on the internet who are rapping and so bad at it. He said this guy did a song called ''Throw That Boy Pussy.'' He said his name is Young Red. Howard played some of the awful song. Howard asked if Robin had any interested in that. Robin said no.
Howard said there's a heavy metal band that has a parrot as the lead singer. It's called Hate Beak or something like that. Howard played one of their songs for Robin. Howard said he's going to start a band with a dolphin. He played another example of the parrot band. Robin asked if people really listen to this stuff. Howard said this parrot just squeaks. He said he figured it talked.
Howard said he has a piece of tape of a trombone player sneezing into his trombone during a concert. Howard said this is what it sounds like if you sneeze into a trombone. It was a loud nose in the middle of a quiet part of a song. Howard played the clip and wondered if they guy could have stopped himself from doing that.
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston who asked if he gets advance copies of shows like Sons of Anarchy. Howard said he doesn't. He said he likes Kurt Sutter and his wife Katy Sagal. He said he doesn't get advance copies though. He also mentioned that he was talking about the Walking Dead yesterday and thought it was this week's episode that he liked but it was last week.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Howard has a great effect on people when he recommends books. Howard said the books that people should read are books like ''Getting Things Done''. The caller said the Sarno books are the books that help too. Howard asked why she's not letting him talk. He was going to mention a few other books. He said the second book is called ''Shut the fuck up while Howard is talking.''
Howard said there's ''Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity.'' and then Dr. John Sarno's book ''Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection''. He said there are other books to read and Twyla Tharps books are a good read. He said he can't remember them. Fred said it's ''The Creative Habit: Learn It and Use It for Life.'' Howard said there's also ''The Artist's Way'' that's a good one. Fred said that was by Julia Cameron.
The caller asked for a tour of the studio. Howard said he doesn't think he could take it. He said this woman is so worked up and she can't calm down for a minute. She said she's just so excited to be on the phone. Howard put her on hold and asked Gary to give her a tour.
Howard ran through the top 5 songs and had one called Pompeii which has been on the charts for a while now. Howard said he doesn't know the song. He said number 4 is Talk Dirty. Number 3 was John Legend's ''All of Me''. He said that John performed the show on their show last year. Howard said he did that in August. Howard said number 2 was Katy Perry. He said number 1 was Pharrell Williams ''Happy.'' Gary said he's coming in soon actually. Howard said he's looking forward to that. He said he's part of just about every hit song these days. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said Medicated Pete used to be an intern on the show. He said he's a regular on Leiberman Live which is on every day at 4:45. Fred was playing Prince's ''Purple Rain'' and Pete came in singing. Howard said the guy just got in his face singing. Howard said he should never get in anyone's face like that. Howard said he's staring at him too. Pete said he likes the echo.
Howard said it's been reported that his ticks are worse than ever. Howard said Jon Leiberman said that when he's on Leiberman Live that his ticks are so bad he leaves the mic up just to hear them. Pete said he gets anxious and animated when he's on the air. Howard said he heard he's so nervous he's peed 5 times already. Pete said he has. Howard asked if that's unusual for him. Pete said it is. He said he's just nervous today. Pete said he gets worked up. He said he has anxiety and that makes him pee a lot.
Howard asked if Pete is medicated today. Pete said he is on minimal medication. Howard said he heard he's having panic attacks. Pete said he is. Robin asked what's panicking him. Pete said he's been stressing out over the work situation. He said his heart starts pounding and he's a mess.
Howard said he read that he's been sending out resumes for acting and broadcasting jobs. Howard asked how many he sends out a day. Pete said not as many as he should. Howard said he read 5 to 10 a day. Pete said that's right. Pete said he sends them to random people. Howard asked if he does this at the library. Pete said he downloads the attachment from his email. Howard said it's better to send a written note than an email. Robin said he should send a whole letter and not an email.
Howard asked if he gets any response. Pete said he downloads the attachment from his email. Howard asked if he has gotten any response. Pete said no. Howard said it's obviously not working. Pete said it's not. Howard asked who he has emailed. Pete said it's local stuff. Howard asked what's local for him. Pete said it's the immediate area in Red Bank where he lives. Howard said he doesn't think there's anything there. Pete said he just shoots them out. Howard asked who he's sending them to. Pete said it's random people. Howard said it's not exactly Hollywood in Red Bank. Howard said it's amazing he finds 5 people to send his resume to down there.
Howard asked who he is sending them to. Pete said he worked on a movie last year and that guy is contacting him for another role. Howard said he should expand and maybe send out the resume to Newark or Hoboken. Pete said he's talking about odd jobs and not just acting jobs.
Howard asked if he quit that job he got at the health club. Pete said he had to go into the hospital for his panic situation and they filled the position while he was out. Howard asked what kind of odd jobs he wants to do. Pete said he's not actually sending out resumes for these odd jobs. He said he shows up in person for those. He said he knows a lot of people in his town so he tries to find anything. Howard asked if he would work in a factory. Pete said he's looking for just about anything. Pete said he's willing to do that kind of thing while he's looking for a broadcasting job or something.
Howard asked what he's qualified for. Pete said he went to college but he didn't get a degree. He said he had a bunch of credits but no degree. He said he went to Linden State College up in Maine. Howard asked if he can type. Pete said he can.
Howard asked Pete where he applied for a job last. Pete said his friend has a screen printing place in Red Bank. He said he applied there. Howard asked if they said no way. Pete said they didn't have anything going on. Pete said he likes to think he has a lot of people who know who he is. Howard said that seems to be the problem.
Howard asked Pete what he does during the day. Pete said he looks for jobs and he would like to act or get into broadcasting. Howard said he's not great on the air. Howard asked what he would do in broadcasting. Pete said he'd like to do some sort of announcing. Howard said he spends most of his day at the library so maybe get a job there. Pete said he doesn't know about that.
Howard wanted to get off of that and on to his love life. Howard said he heard he had a girlfriend last summer who had cerebral palsy. Pete said she did and it was pretty bad. Pete said that was an interesting story. He said she had a disability but her parents didn't appreciate him having Tourette's. Howard asked if she speaks. Pete said she speaks pretty normally. He said it's a mild case of CP. Howard asked Pete if he contacted her on a web site and meet right away. Pete said they talked on the phone for a while. He said they met last April and then they met in person in the summer. Howard said it was a couple of months then. Howard asked if he's better on the phone. Pete said he is. He said he met this girl and he was attracted to her. Howard asked if they had sex right away. Pete said they hit it off pretty quick. He said they had sex in Pennsylvania. He said they went to a hotel. He said her parents weren't into the whole situation. Howard asked if he used a condom. Pete said he doesn't remember. He said it was last year. Howard asked if he used one or not. Pete said he wasn't worried about getting her pregnant.
Howard asked what the sex is like with someone like that. Pete said it's the same as any other person. He said he had to get her off her wheelchair and that was it. Howard asked if she liked his love making. Pete said she did. Howard said he thinks they know that he has a big penis. Pete said it is. He said he forgets how big it is though. Pete joked that it was bigger than 12. Howard kept saying wow trying to get Pete to repeat him.
Pete said he can't seem to corral these women. Howard asked what he means by that. Pete said he means pick up women. Howard said he's had the same problem. He said he has met girls who will give him no time. He said that should be illegal.
Pete said it's horrible going into a club and seeing some douche hooking up with girls. He said he wonders how this is possible. Howard asked if he thinks people are prejudiced against him. Pete said they are. Howard said he used to go to bars when he was in college and think the same thing about the douche bags hooking up.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks Pete needs a helper if he wants to be in business. He said he hired Pete to promote an app last year and Pete didn't know anything about promoting it. Howard said maybe that wasn't the right job for him. Howard asked what the App was called. Pete said it was Titan Tale and it was some kind of video game or something. Howard said he could have held on to that job if he had known what it was. Howard said he has to put a lot of time into his job if he wants to succeed.
Howard asked Pete about what he's doing with Leiberman Live tonight. Pete said they're going to talk about the Malaysian Airline thing. He said that different things come up every day so he may have to say he doesn't know if he's asked something he doesn't know.
Howard asked Pete who he thinks will be the next president. Pete said he's not up on the GOP or the Democrats. Howard asked if he's up on anything. Pete laughed. Howard asked where he stands on the affordable care act. Pete said he knows what it is and it should be implemented. Howard said it has been implemented.
Howard asked Pete how long he was involved with this girl before he met her parents. Pete said it was a couple of weeks. He said they hooked up for a couple of weeks. Howard asked if they were having crazy sex. Pete said she was. Howard said he must be a real stud. Howard said suddenly he was the douche bag getting the chicks. Pete said the confidence went away after a while.
Howard asked Pete if the girl asked him to meet her parents. Pete said he just sort of stayed at her house. Howard said he moved in right away. Pete said she and her parents were at odds already. He said he thinks that she just wanted to stick it to them a little bit so he was the revenge. Howard said Pete goes into this house and then he camps out in her bedroom. Pete said the room was on the first floor. He said that went on for a weekend. Howard said he stayed there even though he felt the resentment. Pete said it was awkward and no one wanted him there. Howard asked why he didn't leave. Pete said he told the girl that they didn't like him and she got upset. He said they did have dinner together and it was very awkward. Howard said there's a show. He said that would be a great reality show.
Howard asked who made dinner. Pete said he can't remember. He said he thinks the parents did it jointly. Howard asked Pete if they asked him to leave. Pete said pretty much they did. Howard asked if he said he wasn't going. Pete said he can't remember because it was last summer. Howard asked if they threatened to call the police. Pete said they may have. He said he just kind of ignored them. Howard said he was getting pussy so he stuck around. Pete said they kind of like each other so he stuck around. Pete said they were at odds anyway. Robin asked if she was defending him. Pete said she was. He said he just stayed out of the parent's way.
Howard asked if he slept in her bed. Pete said he slept on the couch. Robin said she's trying to imagine this. Howard said it must have been some nightmare for the parents. Howard asked what happened that got her to side with them and turn on Pete. Pete said that she had differences with her parents.
Pete said she has a 5 year old son and that wasn't a factor. Howard asked what she said to him when she broke up. Pete said she couldn't do it anymore with the parents and all of that. Howard said he could have played blocks with the kid or something. Pete said that was a new experience for him. He said for a 5 year old he was very outspoken. Howard asked if he told him to leave too. Pete said he had a vocabulary of a 40 year old. Howard said this is all very depressing and he has to get out.
Howard said Pete is going to be on Leiberman Live today at 4:45. Howard asked what happened to the movie he did. Pete said it was on YouTube. He said that he was supposed to get paid and he never did. He said he thinks he got fucked on that deal. Howard played a clip from that movie. Howard said at least he's getting fucked even if it's not with a girl.
Howard said he doesn't have to beat off as much as he used to. He said that's what Pete has to look forward to. Howard said that's his future. Howard said there's no way he could ever support a family.
Howard said he may pay for a mail order bride for Pete. He said they could pay for a woman to marry him. Howard said they have these companies where they send a chick over and they marry the guy. Howard said they're hot chicks who want to be in this country. Howard said that he will pay a couple of grand and the girl has to live with you or they get sent back to their country. Howard said he marries them and they get their green card and that's that. Robin said they should find a Russian Doctor who can take care of Pete. Howard said they have to have sex with him. Pete said he'd be up for that. He said he'd have to see what one of them looks like.
Pete said he's perfected the George Takei laugh. He did the impression of the laugh. Howard told him that it was awful.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he would rather be famous or get a ton of pussy. Pete said he'd have to go with pussy. Howard said instead of perfecting that laugh he should perfect bagging groceries.
Howard said it's always good seeing Pete. He said he wishes he could work there as an intern but they have rules about that. He said if anyone there has a job for him then contact them.
Gary said that him not working there doesn't stop him from coming up there. Gary said he's up there just about every other day wandering the halls. Gary said he doesn't have to be there for Leiberman Live until 4:45. Gary said he'll be there all day. He said they do love him though. He said Pete will come to the Wrap Up Show today and he'll just stare at them.
Howard thanked Pete for coming to the birthday show too. Pete said that was great. He said it was an honor to hear Jimmy Kimmel mention his name. Howard asked if he would fuck Tan Mom. Pete said he probably would. Robin said he will fuck her but he has to see the Russian bride. Howard said you may see Pete there all day long. He said he'll probably be on the Wrap Up Show. Howard went into a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard said he's all shook up by the Medicated Pete interview. Howard said they're not going to do anything to help him out but they'll have him on the show.
Howard said years ago when they started the radio show they subscribed to the prime directive where they don't interfere with the aliens. Howard said that's what they're going to do with Pete. Nothing.
Howard played Robin into her news with one of Bobby the Chorizo Guy's songs. Robin started her news talking about Oscar Pistorius and said that he made a lot of phone calls after he shot his girlfriend. Robin said she doesn't think she'd be able to talk if she did something like that.
Robin asked Howard if he is more fearful of air travel. Howard said yes. He said everything scares him. He said every expert says the safest way of travel is an airplane. Howard said that's unless it happens to crash. Howard said that's the worst way to go. Howard said he feels so bad for those people. He said the last couple of seconds of your life have to be ridiculous. Robin said they say that it hasn't affected confidence with Americans. Robin said they still think that flying is safe. Howard said sometimes he thinks that it's safer to fly after something like this. Robin said she thinks that people would be leery of foreign airlines now. Howard said he can't imagine getting on a Malaysian airlines flight. Robin said for the most part people are feeling fine. Howard said not him.
Robin asked Howard what he feels about the situation in the Ukraine. Howard said he's against it. Howard said there's nothing they can do about it. Howard said he's for sanctions though. He said if they have economic sanctions they could pressure Russia to give it back. Robin said most people think we shouldn't do anything. Robin read about a poll that was taken about that situation.
Howard said he thinks people care more about Dancing with the Stars. He said he tuned in last night after thinking he was done with that show. He said that he like seeing that Winnie Cooper chick half naked. He said Billy Dee Williams can barely move anymore. Howard said Drew Carey looks like someone put a pin in him. He said he likes Drew but he doesn't care about the dudes on that show. He said he watched Winnie Cooper and he was quite taken with her. He said she can dance. He said she must be taking dance lessons in her free time.
Robin read a story about how Ted Nugent is being paid not to play on the 4th of July. Robin said some people were worried about him playing at a family oriented event. Robin said that they had to pay him over $16,000 in this dispute. Howard said he likes that you can get Ted for 16 grand. Robin said that was only half of what he usually gets paid to do.
Robin asked Howard who he would like to get a hot dog with at a baseball game. Howard said how about the star of Sharknado, Benjy Bronk. Fred played Benjy's scream clip a few times. Howard said he doesn't eat hot dogs either. He said he might want it to be a woman instead of some famous guy. Howard said maybe he'll have butternut squash soup with someone. Robin asked who it would be with. Howard said someone like Mick Jagger. Robin said Mark Wahlberg is the top choice in this poll. Howard said he had dinner with Mark and he never did it again. Howard said he thinks Mark was bored and so was he. Howard said he actually had a nice time with Mark. Robin said Jennifer Lawrence is at the top of the list for women. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about how air pollution is what's causing the most deaths in the world. Robin read about what he beats out.
Robin read about e-cigarettes and how they may not be helping people. Robin said they found that they were no more likely to quit smoking than people who didn't smoke electronically.
Robin read a story about NASA asking people to help design the new space suit. Robin said they have 3 designs to vote on and they're for the exploration of Mars.
Howard asked why Jon Leiberman dressed like Friar Tuck at the Knicks game. Howard said this is a very random and weird thing. Howard said Jon went with his mom and sister and he's in a Friar Tuck costume. Gary said he's asking now. Gary said he was told it was actually the Billy Joel concert. Gary said he's on his way in now.
Howard said Billy Joel has his own channel there on Sirius starting soon. Howard asked when that starts. Jon Leiberman told him tomorrow. Howard asked Jon what was up with the outfit. Jon said it was a dressy sweat shirt. He said it's not a costume. He said it was a normal outfit. Howard said he thought he flipped his lid. Jon said there is nothing to see there. Howard asked what a dressy sweat shirt is. Jon said it's a trendy kind of sweat shit. Howard told Jon to take it easy and not lose more hair over it. Jon told him to look at his hair. He said he has plenty. Gary said Ronnie is saying he's blow drying it to fluff it up. Jon said he has never used a blow dryer in his hair. He said he has a robust head of hair.
Ronnie came in and said he is going bald. He said he's just being honest with him. He said he thinks he's puffing it too. Howard asked if this is what goes on in the halls all day. Ronnie said he rarely comes back there anymore. Howard said they tweeted out the Friar Tuck outfit on Twitter. Jon said that's just great.
Robin read a story about 4 men who jumped from One World Trade Center last year and how they turned themselves in yesterday. Robin said one of the men was an ironworker who worked on the building.
Robin read about the death of Oderus Urungus (Dave Brockie) who was in the band GWAR. Howard said he thought they were a goof. Richard Christy came in and said that they have some great songs. He said you get covered in jizz and blood if you stand in the front row of the concert. He said they were all art students so they created giant penises that would jizz all over the audience. Howard had Fred play some of their music for him. He liked the one song Fred was playing. That was ''Sick of You.'' Robin said the guy was 50 years old. She said they have yet to announce what caused his death. Robin said this is the second loss for GWAR. Robin said one of the guys died in 2011 from a heart attack.
Robin had some audio of Neon Trees and said that the front man is coming out as gay. Robin said he was inspired by some of the sports figures who came out recently. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read about how there are accidental deaths from liquid nicotine because of the e-cigarettes. Robin said a teaspoon can kill a child.
Robin read about the son in law of Osama bin Laden's court case and what's going on with that. Robin had some audio of some people commenting on the case.
Robin read a story about some people who were killed on a Navy destroyer while it was docked. Robin said they killed the gunman.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who asked about taking on all of these new activities and if it's because father time is not on their side. Howard asked if that's even a question. Howard said time is running out. Mariann said that they're giving out tickets to the AGT tapings next month. Mariann asked if Beth is going to do the next Kitten Bowl. Howard said he thinks so but he doesn't know. Howard said they'll be at Madison Square Garden for AGT the first week in April. Howard let Mariann go after she said something about talking to King of All Blacks. Howard said he has no idea what she said.
Robin had some news about the mud slide in Washington State. Robin said they are still searching for survivors. They pulled a dog out of the rubble and it was alive. Robin said they haven't found the owner yet. Howard said he remembers when Robin had her mud slide and she had to be showered down by the Mexican guy. Robin said she just used his hose. He didn't wash her down. Howard said he has to get he story straight. Howard said she had diarrhea while she was jogging and she had it running down her leg. Robin asked this guy to borrow his hose. Howard asked why he walked away. Robin said he was a worker and he had a job to do. Howard asked if he saw her leg with shit on it. Robin said it wasn't that obvious. Howard said he finds that hard to believe. He said it makes no sense. He said there is something wrong with the story. Howard asked what she did with the hose when she was done. Robin said she put it down. Howard asked how long it took to get it all off. Robin said she just wanted to make herself presentable. She said she took care of what she needed to take care of. Howard asked what she did with the clothes. Robin said she threw everything away that needed to be thrown away. Howard said that was a good move. Howard said he doesn't know how he'd handle that. Howard asked if there was a muddy puddle in the street. Robin said she never stopped so she doesn't know.
Howard asked Robin how she made it through the hotel. Robin said it was one of those hotels where you can get to your room without going inside the hotel. Howard said he thinks Robin shit her pants one other time. Robin said she did not. Gary said that he has someone there who remembers it all. Robin said now she remembers. She said she was sick and she went to see Howard somewhere and she crapped her pants. Robin said she was at a building with a big bathroom and she got rid of it all. Howard asked how she cleaned up. Robin said she must have used paper towels to do the heavy duty cleaning. Fred was playing sound effects while this discussion was happening. Howard said he's surprised she showed up to see Bill Boggs that day. Robin said she sat way u pin the audience. Robin said she can't remember all of the details. Howard said he would remember every detail. He asked Robin to do a writing exercise and write the whole story with every detail and he'll put it up on the web site. Robin said she's not going to do that.
Robin read a story about the owner of the Washington Redskins putting up some money to start a fund to benefit American Indians. Howard said he should just change the name. Robin said it looks like he's not going to do it.
Robin read a story about Andrea Bocelli getting married. That led to Howard playing a new song about JD from Daniel Mendelson. Howard said that is his Andrea Bocelli. Robin had some audio of Bocelli singing and Howard said if you sing that slow it sounds like you can't make a mistake. Howard tried it and thought he sounded fine. They ended the show a short time later. They were done around 10:15am.
Jon ran down more of what he wanted to cover today. He said that he wanted to talk to Keven. He said he just comes in with Maria now. He doesn't even get called in. Keven said he's a huge fan of the show and he feels pressure coming in because he wants their appearance to be a good one. Keven said that they knew the stuff in the press was going to come up. He said they just wanted to say no comment but they can't do that with Howard. Keven said they have to come up with something special when they're on. He said Gary suggested they bring up Maria's parents. Keven said he made them come over and they made it just in time.
Jon asked if Maria's parents know the show. Keven said that Costas does know who he is and they had a big family blow out after one of their appearance. Keven said some of their family ''friends'' called Costas and got him all riled up. He said they got into a fight over it and it was a big time fight. Jon asked if he was upset with him or Maria. Keven said he thinks he was upset with him but he didn't want to be. Keven said it was very hard in the beginning with them and Costas feels guilty about that. He said he now knows that his whole life is about Maria and he would never come against him. He said he was just so angry and frustrated he came out against him. He said that whoever called him said that he was the driving force.
Keven said that he talked to Costas and told him that they did one appearance and she was a best selling author. The next appearance they had a reality TV show offer. He said that he told Costas he has to let him do his thing.
Jon said that Keven said he heard Maria's parents banging in the bedroom and you can hear it in Maria's voice when she gets really upset. Keven said he knows Costas better than she does. He said she's too close to him. He said he's on the outside and he knows he's a showman and a host at their house. He said he's a lot of fun and a team player. He said he talked to Costas earlier and he told him that he had to just be himself. He said he has to just be Costas and talk like he does when he's at home. He said he asked him to just do that when he was in the studio with Howard. Keven said he told him not to get caught up in the civilian shit. He said Costas had a lot of fun and he could tell by the look on his face. Jon said he did seem to have fun today. He said Howard loved it too.
Jon said Maria doesn't realize that the more she protests the more Howard is going to push. He said the sound bytes are great and it gets Costas going too. Keven said that he was surprised that he opened up as much as he did. He said they could have stayed another half hour if Maria didn't have to do Kelly and Michael. Jon asked if he came in expecting that type of thing. Keven said no. He said they all know Howard is a good person but he's always trying to get better. He said he's sure Costas felt that too.
Gary said Keven is a super fan and there was a moment when Howard asked a probing question and Maria made that face like ''how could you'' and Keven made the face like ''Yeah! Keep going!''
Gary said that Maria's mother came in during the break and she said he thought that he was at home talking to his brothers. Keven said that is the way he is at home. He said he told him to just be that and don't worry about it. Jon said you should just be yourself and you'll have a good time. He said once you do that it makes for fantastic radio. Gary said he was talking to Howard afterward and he asked if it was too much. He said he told Howard that he thought it was fine but he can see why Maria might get worked up.
Keven said this is the life they chose and this is what they do. He said to get their show to succeed they have to be as open and honest as they can.
Jon asked Keven about how long the fight carried over for after their first appearance. Keven said that they separated over that for a bit. Gary asked if it was over the show. Keven said it was. He said that Maria's mom and dad are like his mother and father. He said he has his mother there but her parents are like his parents. He said they just keep giving and giving. Keven said they wouldn't have what they have now if it wasn't for them.
Keven said some of Costas' friends riled him up after that first appearance. He said that they had a big blow out and then Maria basically said that they had done pretty well with his decisions so far. She said they were going to take some time apart. Keven said that she asked her parents to go to Connecticut. Gary asked if he and Maria split up. Keven said no, he was talking about her parents and them. Keven said he and Maria did not separate. He said they're like family and they are very tight. Keven said that they have this guy Big Joe who is a 250 pound street fighter, lives with them in the house too. He said on the next ''Chasing Maria Menounos'' you'll see him.
Gary asked if he were to stay at his house would he run into Joe. Keven said yes. He said he has his own wing where he stays but there is a central kitchen. They had to go to break after that.
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Jon said he wants to get back to Keven. He said that Keven talked about how Maria and her parents speak Greek in front of him. Keven said he can't pick that up. He said it's very hard to learn. He said that the alphabet is different and it's tough. Jon said it has to be tough when someone breaks out in Italian or Yiddish and you don't know. Gary said it's like that episode of Seinfeld in the nail place.
Gary asked if Maria and her parents speak in Greek and he knows they're talking about him. Keven said that stopped after about the third or fourth year but he does tell them to ''Go Greek'' at times when they're in public.
Medicated Pete showed up so Jon asked how he's feeling. Pete said he's feeling at home again. He said it's been a while since he was there but he's feeling good. Gary said that he came in singing live again and he's really good at it. Jon said it's like the best entrance a guest can make. Gary asked if he does any other songs. Pete said he sings Joe Jackson ''Is She Really Going Out With Him.'' Gary said they'll save that for next time.
Jon said Pete hangs around all day. He asked what he does there. Ronnie said he just wanders the halls and pisses his brains out. Jon Leiberman said they had a meeting about what to do with him the rest of the day. He said they were trying to figure out a way to keep him from wandering around. He said they were going to give him money for the train to go home and come back. He said they offered to buy him lunch. Pete said he's going to go kill some time until 4. Keven said he might be able to bring him around with him.
Jon said Pete told that story about his girlfriend and what went on with her parents and getting kicked out of their house. Jon asked what he did when they asked him to leave. Pete said he took that as a threat. He said they asked him to leave. Jon asked if he misses her. Pete said they still talk abut she has a boyfriend. Jon asked if he has a hard time being in the ''friend zone.'' Pete said he does but what can you do? He said you can't do anything. Pete said it's easier said than done to not be in that friend zone. Ronnie said he has to get out and go to the park or something.
Jon asked Pete if he has tried Tinder. Pete said he doesn't even know what it is. Gary said it's free and if you push it long enough he may get laid. Pete said he's very impatient so he doesn't know about that.
Jon asked Pete what he has on his resume. Pete said he has the gig he did last year. He said he has the Howard Stern Show stuff on his other resume. Pete said he wants to be an actor and a broadcaster so he has different resumes. He only has the one gig on the acting resume. Keven gave him some advice where to look for acting gigs. He said that he should put them all down on the resume.
Gary said that Keven Smith shoots tons of movies in Red Bank. He said he should apply there. Pete said that Keven is in L.A. though. Gary said his production office is in Red Bank though. Pete said he has talked to those guys but they never have anything for him.
Jon said he wants to understand what he has on his broadcast resume. Pete said he has the Howard Stern Show on there. He said he has the college station stuff on there too. Jon asked what else he has. Pete said he did an internship with WPLJ before he was there. He said that was in 06. He said he worked for the Rocky Allen show for a little bit. Pete said he was in the back screening calls and stuff. Gary said he was the call screener. Pete said he sees himself doing stuff in TV and radio. Jon asked what though. Pete said on the air mostly. Jon said he has to work his way up though. Pete said he can see himself starting out doing something behind the scenes.
Jon asked Keven what advice he has for Pete. Keven asked if he's okay financially. Pete said he gets disability. Keven said he has to use every advantage he gets. He said he has some degree of fame. He said the best advice he gives and has gotten is to intern for any radio show and he'll find something. He said he has to get in people's faces to make something happen though. Keven said he can go and work for someone and something will break through.
Jon Leiberman said that Pete said he's very aggressive and he has a great personality. He said that's right at the top of his resume. He said he also did some announcing for a football team. Gary said he thinks he did that on the PA system. Pete said that's what it was. He said he did it on his own. Jon said he has the right ingredients on the resume so keep at it. Jon said they had to go to break after that.
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Gary asked how old Keven is. Keven said he thinks that he's 46. He said he doesn't celebrate his birthday. He said Maria does buy him gifts and she got him a gold pistol one year. He said he never really goes out in public with Maria. He said that they ask her where her boyfriend is and he doesn't like going. He said he has had nasty things said to him out at events. He said that he was out at one event and this 70 year old guy making out with a 21 year old started with him. He said the guy said he was the former president of Columbia records. Keven said he just wonders why he left the house for that. He said he doesn't need it.
Jon asked if he hangs back because it's good for Maria's career. Keven said yes. He said he has girls working for him at After Buzz TV and he loves being around them. He said he doesn't want to be around when Maria is having fun. He said he just happened to be there that one time when Maria was there and they brought him in.
Gary asked what he was doing before he met Maria. Keven said he was head writer at MTV. He said he was responsible for bringing in Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra over there. He said that you have to just make your peace with guys hitting on your girl and go on with your life. He said if anything you just have to feel honored.
Jon asked Ronnie about what happened with King of All Blacks today. Ronnie said there is something wrong with that guy. He said he believes he has no friends and he thrives on every word Howard says. He said that he loves to critique people's things and what they have. He said he thinks the things he has are better and you just get tired of hearing it.
Gary said that he might think his job is to fuck with him. Ronnie said it's with everyone though. Gary said Ralph has those qualities too. Ronnie said you get tired of it after a while. He said people get tired of Ralph too.
Jon said they mentioned the racist stuff. Ronnie said he never did retweet the stuff he said he did. He said for him to say what he did was totally wrong.
Jon mentioned that Jon Leiberman got in the studio to talk about his sweat shirt today. Leiberman said his girlfriend wanted him to try it so he gave it a try. He said it's not something that he'd usually wear. He said it wasn't a costume though. Jon said he thought that maybe he was in costume. He said it does kind of look like that in the picture. Jon asked what Jon and Ronnie were screaming about in the hall. Leiberman said he does nothing to his hair. Ronnie said he puffs it. Leiberman said he does not. He said Ronnie just keeps poking and poking. He said there is nothing wrong with his hair. Leiberman kept trying to change the subject. Gary said Ronnie is like his King of all Blacks. Ronnie said he's not picking on his clothes. He said he takes shit about his beard color and all of that himself.
Ronnie asked how his book is doing. Leiberman said it's doing great. He said it's called ''Whitey on Trial: Secrets, Corruption, and the Search for Truth''. Keven told him he really likes the book. He said he's from the Boston area so it's very interesting to him. Ronnie picked on Leiberman's hair again. Leiberman said he uses something on his hair called Kyra. He said it's kind like Pomade. He said it's almost like a wax type thing to style his hair. Ronnie said that Jon said to him this morning that he uses nothing in his hair. Shuli was in so Ronnie asked him to back him up. Shuli said he heard him say he has never blow dried his hair. He said he thinks he did say he didn't use any products. Jon said that they can move off of his hair and everyone can listen to Howard 100 News to find out more about Leiberman's hair.
Jon asked Leiberman to do his news rundown. Leiberman started to do that but Ronnie was still goofing on him about his Pomade thing.
Jon asked if anyone had heard of Pomade before. Some of the guys knew it but Jon didn't. They had to wrap up after that. Everyone got in their plugs and they ended the show around 11:05am.
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Howard started the show talking about the performance of Purple Rain that started the show. Howard said that was Adam Levine doing that song. Howard said he was reading something about a famous guitar player who was at the birthday show. He said he somehow got into the show and he's a guitar critic and player. He said the guy had a great time and wrote about it. He said he was writing about the great guests they had there. He said the performance that blew him away was that Adam Levine performance. Howard said the guy had no idea Adam could play guitar that well. He said he knew he could sing but had no idea about the guitar. Howard said he's not sure who the guy was who wrote that article. Howard said that's real talent Adam has.
Howard said Fred was showing him some stuff on a guitar before the show. Fred said it's just as much as he can show a few minutes before the show. He was showing Howard how to play a few shortcuts and things. Fred said you realize how much you need and don't need when you play. Howard said the less strings he hits the better off he is.
Howard said today they're having auditions for his new band. He said that they may change the name from The Losers to something else. He said they have people coming in to try out. He said you have to work there to be eligible. Howard said they won't have any ringers from the outside. Howard said Elisa Jordana will be auditioning. He said she does work for them and you may not know that. Howard said that's what Benjy blurted out one day. He said she does work there. Howard said he was trying to keep it low key but Benjy had to make that announcement. Howard asked who he is to argue with the star of Sharknado. Robin said she plays keyboard. Howard said it's actually a Keytar.
Howard said Lisa G is auditioning with a guitar. He said she plays violin but she's auditioning with a guitar. He said he's not sure what's going on there. He said she's hung up with that violin thing. Howard said he saw Bon Jovi at a small club one night and he had a girl with him who played violin. Howard said it was a great performance. Howard said the violin became cool all of a sudden.
Howard said Richard is playing drums. He said he doesn't think he has to audition. Fred said that's unless Dave Grohl shows up. Fred said Dave does work for them. Howard joked that he edits tape for them and watches TV.
Howard said Scott the Engineer refuses to audition for drums. He said Scott thinks he was the first drummer for The Losers so he doesn't have to audition. He said he might be right. Howard said he will change the name of the band then.
Howard said Benjy doesn't play anything. Benjy said he plays the Shofar. Howard said there is no band that has one so maybe Benjy is on to something. He asked if he really plays. Benjy said he played around a little bit with it. He said he can play whatever he wants. Howard asked if he can really play. Benjy said it would just be a couple of notes here and there. Howard asked if it will sound good. Benjy said it can. Howard said he can just sit there and then blow two notes once in a while. Benjy said he can play a song and he'd know what he was playing. Howard said that's great. Howard said he imagines someone sitting in the audience and seeing Benjy thinking ''Oh, that's the blotchy guy from Sharknado.'' Howard said if GWAR can do it then why can't they do it?
Howard said he's going to get a fuzz pedal too. He said he likes that look when guitar players hit that pedal on stage. He said it's the coolest move. Howard asked Fred if he has pedals. Fred said he has several. He said it doesn't leave much room to stand on stage sometimes. Howard said he thinks they should jizz on their fans like GWAR did. Howard said that's what Richard was talking about yesterday. Howard said the had a giant penis on stage and they'd shoot jizz on the fans. Howard said that's just what he wants, a band to piss all over the fans.
Howard said they have a whole stage show. He said they won't be boring. He said they have to have a stage show because they suck. Howard said he was going to get Montecore to perform on stage. Howard said he actually just died. Howard said that's the tiger that bit Siegfried and Roy. Howard said they didn't kill him, it died of natural causes. Howard said he's happy they didn't kill that thing. He said it was just doing what it does naturally. Howard said he saw Siegfried and Roy's show and they really didn't do any magic. Howard said they did get two free drinks with their ticket though.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said they could sell out Jones Beach if they performed there. Howard said they need more than one song though. Howard said he's learning how to play ''Amie'' and there are several ways to play. He started playing and singing and explained how he can do it two ways. Howard tried a little of both.
Howard said he can always do ''Old Man'' if things fall apart. He started to play that. Then Robin told him to try ''Hurt.'' Howard played and sang some of that. He gave up after a few seconds. Howard said he showed Beth and she walked out of the room. He said even she doesn't care. Fred said she could show some support. Howard sang part of the song where he sings about how everyone goes away in the end. Fred said he was in tempo. Howard sounded surprised that he was. Fred said he could play with a metronome and it helps. Howard said his teacher told him to record himself but he gave up on that too.
Howard said he needed a part he wasn't able to find. He said he went to Radio Shack and they don't have anything anymore. Fred said they have them there. He told him that Scott may have one in the back.
Bobo asked if he's figured out what he's going to say to Billy Joel when he introduces him. Howard said he doesn't know yet. He said Billy is donating proceeds from his birthday concert in May. Howard said he doesn't know what to say to the guy. Howard said maybe Robin can write something for him to say. Robin said she can do that. Howard said maybe he'll perform ''Amie'' for him or break into one of Billy's songs. Howard said he's overwhelmed by his support.
Bobo asked when they start construction. Howard said he thinks very soon. He said one guy donated $500,000 but hasn't given them the check yet. Howard said that's a lot of cash. Howard said they're getting there with that. He said a lot of people have contributed. He said it's going to be a good little project.
Bobo asked if he has any tickets to give out to the fans. Howard said he doesn't think he has nay tickets. Robin said Bobo is begging already. Bobo said he never does that. Howard said he did that with the birthday tickets. Bobo said that was something special.
Bobo mentioned that Billy Joel is going to have his own channel there. Howard said they're taking over the 40s channel. Howard said they should leave Billy on that channel. He wondered who is listening to that music. Bobo told Howard he turns 61 today. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go. Howard said Bobo's hair is 3 years old today.
Howard played a clip of Pastor Manning talking about Obama and how he's trying to spread this homosexual thing. Howard said he's not preaching in this clip. It sounds like he's having a conversation with someone. Manning was talking about how they're taking this into their own hands and trying to do something about it.
Howard said he loves when these huge anti-gay preacher types turn out to be gay. He said he hopes this guy is one of them. He said he goes on and on in this clip. Robin asked if this is the guy whose son wasn't able to find a date for prom. Howard said he thinks that was someone else.
Howard said he just got a note saying he's at the Atlah church. Benjy said he has a very nice looking church. He said he wants to meet him.
Howard played more of the audio and Pastor Manning was telling black women that they're going to have a hard time competing against white homosexuals. He said that they often have an American Express card and they have money. Howard said it sounds like he spends a lot of time around these guys. Howard asked how he'd know all of this about homosexuals if he didn't. Howard not every homosexual has a lot of money like this guy is saying. He said it's like when people say all Jews have money. He said he knows plenty who are poor.
Howard goofed on the guy talking about the homosexuals and did an impression of him as he did it. Manning was talking about what they do in other countries like Nigeria and how they agree with that. Howard was still goofing on the guy and said that he's saying that the black man will sell his sexuality for a meal. Howard played more of the audio and said he wishes he'd move to Uganda or something.
Howard played some audio of the guy Robin was talking about where he said his son can't get a date to the prom. Howard said he wishes his dad cared that much about him. He said that he didn't know one girl in his class. He said his dad should have blamed it on the girls being lesbians. Howard said maybe the son is just a fucking loser.
Howard played more audio of the guy ranting about the lesbians and how he's not homophobic. Howard said the guy just said he's hot homophobic and said that everyone has something wrong with them. Howard said people who yell a lot get to be pastors. He said it's that ranting and raving that they do. Howard said you have to have that sound.
Howard played another clip where the preacher was yelling about how dildos don't have feeling in them. He said when someone sticks something in you that's not natural then it's not real. Howard said he gets the feeling this guy is just in it for the money. He played more where the guy was talking about having membranes and blood vessels in your behind. The guy was saying you can't make a connection with a screw and another screw. He was saying that it takes a screw and a NUT! Howard said he thinks they found the nut.
Howard played a prank call the guys made using Pastor Manning clips where he's yelling about Obama being a long legged Mack daddy. The women they called kept hanging up on the guys when they'd play the clips. They went to break after that.
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Howard said he's serious about putting together a band. He said he's not sure when they'll be able to rehears. He said maybe they won't need it. Fred laughed.
Howard said Scott the Engineer just walked in. Howard asked if he's freaking out that he won't be in the band. Scott said the best drummer in the world is there so he's not upset. He asked why he'd even try out. Richard came in and tried talking on the microphone but the microphone wasn't working. Howard asked what happened there. Scott said it's someone else controlling the microphones. Richard said he'd play Scott's head if he wanted. Howard told him to just be quiet.
Howard said Richard is the only one auditioning for drums. Howard had him play something. Richard started to play and one second in Howard said he's in. Howard said Richard was playing a game with Gary the other day. He was playing Name that Tune. Richard played some ''Smells like Teen Spirit'' and Howard knew what it was. Richard played some Led Zeppelin and Howard knew what it was. Richard played Billion Dollar Babies but Howard missed that one. Richard played one that Robin got before Howard did.
Howard asked if Richard is ready to denounce Charred Walls of the Dammed and be with them. Richard said maybe he can open up for his own band. Howard said he's done with Richard.
Howard said Steve Brandano wants to audition. He said that they have some people voting on this. He told Fred to let him know what he thinks after he plays. Steve said he's going to be playing an Elton John song. He said it's called ''Come Down in Time.'' Steve started playing and sang the song. Howard cut him off and asked why he didn't rehears. Steve said he would have been even more nervous.
Fred said he'd give Steve a 7. He said he was good. Howard said he seems to be struggling. Howard asked Richard what he'd give him. Richard said he loves Steve but it's hard. He said he liked the guitar playing better than the singing. He said he'd give him a 7. Howard said he's a 5. Steve thanked him for the opportunity. Howard said he's not saying he's not in the band. Howard said Rich Gibbons blows him away. He said he spent some time with him the other day. Fred said his voice reminds him of Lou Reed. Steve seemed okay with that.
Richard said he has good timing. Howard said he can have good time with his own new band. Howard asked if anyone plays bass. Steve said that they have two bass players. Howard said Steve probably won't get in. He said that Fred gave him a 7 and Richard gave him a 7. He said he's a good man. Howard asked why he's so nervous. Steve said he's playing on the Howard Stern Show. Howard said he is way better than that. Howard said he shouldn't be nervous.
Howard said next up is Paul Gressini. He said he heard he's really good. Howard asked what he does there since he doesn't even know. Paul said he's a producer for the tapes team. Howard said he doesn't get a lot of attention on the air. Howard asked how important it is for him to be on the air. Paul said it's cool to be on the air. Howard told him he doesn't want any nonsense. Howard said he's saying that with peace and love of course.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he could blow Steve away with his guitar playing. He said he'd give him a 2 and a half. Another caller said he agrees and Steve is an arrogant prick. Howard said Steve is a 10 on the phones and a 5 on guitar. Howard said some people are hostile toward Steve there. Richard said a lot of musicians are arrogant and it's a good thing sometimes.
Howard asked Paul what he's going to play. Paul said he's playing ''The Wind Cries Mary.'' Howard had him do his thing. Paul played guitar and sang the song. Robin said he was in within a few seconds. Howard liked what he was hearing too. Howard let him play a little bit and then had Richard start drumming. They jammed for a minute.
When Paul was done Howard said he was showing off there. Robin said the drums were over mic'd. Howard said he was a little loud. Richard said he wasn't even playing that loud. Howard said look who set it up.
Fred said he would have given him a 9 if he had used the whammy more. Howard said he thought he was great. Fred said he played clean and that's what a lot of guys won't do. Howard said Fred gave Steve a 7 and this guy only a 9. Fred said he prefaced that score for Steve saying he likes him.
Jason came in and said that he likes that Paul makes those guitar faces when he's playing. Fred said you can't help that. Paul said it's involuntary.
Howard told Paul he did a good job. Howard asked Robin what she'd give him. Robin said a 10. Howard did too. So did Richard. Fred said he's only giving a 9 because they need some wiggle room at the top. Howard said he doesn't care how he sings because he's going to be the lead singer himself.
Howard said Sal is wearing a hoodie and he's going to play bass. Howard said that they do need a bass player. Sal came in and started playing immediately. He was playing ''Cult of Personality'' and Howard recognized it. Sal played ''Another One Bites the Dust'' and Richard started playing drums with him. Howard seemed to like what he was hearing. Howard said Sal has the face too. Sal played a little ''Sunshine of your Love'' and Howard sang with him. Sal played some Ozzy and Howard cut him off. He said he thinks he was good. Fred asked if he's really a bass player. Sal said he's more of a rhythm guitar player. Fred said he was playing Sunshine of your Love in 3 different keys. He said he'd give him an 8. He said he thinks the bass search should continue. Sal played a blues scale and said he can fucking play. Fred ended up knocking his score down to a 7 when Howard asked about how he scored. Robin gave Sal a 5. Howard said they have to see how the other guys play. Howard told Sal to get out of there. He said he's nude by the way. Howard said he uses his cock as a pick. Howard thanked him and let him go.
Howard said Paul Gressini is the best one so far. Elisa Jordana came in next. Howard said Gary was flabbergasted at how hot she is. He said that he's shocked that Benjy gets her. Howard said she's putting on some kind of face now. She said she was posing. Howard said he thinks she's good for the band. He said she has sex appeal. Howard asked if things are going good with Benjy. She said Benjy is the best but they have a lot of problems. Howard asked what kind of problems they have. He asked if it's that she's hot and Benjy is not. She said that's not it. She said they have been to three therapists and that hasn't helped. Howard asked what the problem is. Elisa said she can't figure it out. She said they're wondering what they're going toward. She said right now they're not going toward anything. Elisa said that she'd like some kind of end thing to happen. She said they need a goal. She said that Benjy has given her ''I don't know'' for three years.
Howard asked if her boobs are real. Elisa said they are. Howard asked if she has underwear on today. She said she does. Howard asked if Sharknado has changed him. Elisa said that it did change him. She said he didn't say goodbye to her when he went to get his makeup done. She said he was amazing in the movie. She said that people were coming up to her saying that they couldn't believe this was his first movie. Howard said he heard he stole the movie with his part.
Fred asked Elisa if she can play the bass. She said she can. Howard said she plays the keyboard. Elisa said she can learn anything in a week. She said she likes being in the background. Elisa said that she thinks it's fun being in a band. Howard said he has an end plan. He said he doesn't get what's up with Benjy. Elisa said that he doesn't like her that much. She said that he's attracted to her but sometimes she doesn't look that good. She said they are together all the time. Howard asked if she has seen him shit or if he's seen her shit. She said no way. Howard asked how they work that out. Elisa said that he has never seen her. She said that Benjy will go shit and he'll tell her. She said that she puts the faucet and shower on when she's going. Howard asked Benjy if he would watch that. Benjy said he doesn't care about that. Elisa said he hates farting.
Howard asked if Benjy's balls smell. She said all balls smell. Howard said he thinks some stink more than others.
Howard asked Elisa what she's going to play today. She said she likes Howard's ''Silver Nickels and Golden Dimes. Howard told her to play that. Howard asked Scott if he would marry Elisa. Scott said he would do that in a second if he was Benjy. Elisa asked Benjy why he doesn't want to marry her. Then she answered for him. She said Benjy wants a lot of sex and not with just one person. Benjy said he has changed. Elisa said that he is masking this whole thing. She said that he wants to have sex with a lot of people and she can feel it. Benjy said he doesn't want that. Elisa said she might have been open to having another woman if he hadn't brought it up.
Elisa said that she watched Benjy one day when he was following a girl in a tight outfit. She said that he can't walk down the street normally. Benjy said he has changed. Elisa said he used to point women out for threesomes when they'd go to religious services. Howard asked why he doesn't want to marry her. Benjy said he wants to get married for life and not have a pre-nup. Benjy said it's scary to think about things not working out. Howard asked if she's willing to walk away from the relationship if he doesn't marry her. Elisa said she should have a long time ago. Howard asked if she's in love with Benjy. Elisa said that she's not in love right now because of how bad things are going. She said he yelled at her this morning. She said she was practicing for this and he didn't want her practicing. Howard asked what's up with that. Benjy said it was 3 in the morning and he was trying to sleep. Benjy said he slept in the hall all night. Howard said she could have done it with headphones on. Elisa said she was singing too.
Elisa said it's very hard to break up. She said they have tried so many times. She said that a therapist told her to just leave and she can't do it. Howard asked Benjy how he would feel if she left tomorrow. Benjy said their best times are really beautiful. Howard said this is some stud. Robin said she should just walk out. Howard said Benjy's pimp hand is strong. Benjy said he screwed up early on. Howard said he wanted to hear this audition. He had Elisa do her thing.
Elisa did a little keyboard playing and sang Silver Nickels. Howard said she's good enough to be in the band. Howard said he's still shocked that Benjy thinks he can do better than her. Benjy said he loves her very much. Elisa said Benjy always brought up other women in bed when they'd be in bed. She said they have never made love. She said it's just fucking. She said that you have to make love and look at the person and make it about that person. Elisa said that she has to tell Benjy to go really slow because he starts out just going fast. Benjy said he's gotten better. Elisa said that he just goes at it immediately. She said he has gotten better. She said that when he's on his sleeping pills he's much better. Howard asked if she has had a real orgasm with him. Elisa said she has but not during sex. Benjy said it's when he's at work. Elisa said that it's not during sex. She said if he's doing something else then she will. She said Benjy is very persistent and if he keeps going at it then she will orgasm. Howard asked if she instructs him on what to do. She said she does. She said she doesn't mind the foreplay stuff.
Howard said that was an excellent audition. Elisa said she'll play the Keytar if she gets in the band. Howard asked Fred what he'd give her. Fred gave her a 10. He said he doesn't think they can both be in the band though. Benjy said that's silly. Howard said he might kill her. Fred said that Benjy wants to control her too much.
Howard said next up is Lisa G. Howard said she plays the violin but she isn't playing violin today. He said he thinks it would have been great. He said that they need a violin and she's just playing guitar. Lisa said she just wanted to try. She said she has just had 2 lessons. She said now her mind has gone blank. Howard told her to give it a try. Lisa messed up and she said her hands are shaking. She tried playing Blackbird and Howard cut her off. Howard told her to get out. He said she's a zero. Lisa said she did it good in the hallway. Howard said he sucks and they don't need two people that suck. Gary said Fred Armisen already did this at the birthday show. Howard said they have to give her the hook.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks Elisa sucks. Robin said she can play. Howard said she was good. The caller said her voice isn't good. He said she'd totally damaged from Benjy. Howard said he's just angry she's banging Benjy. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she doesn't know why Lisa G would even try if she can't play.
Howard said Jeremy Lipkin from the Tapes Team plays bass. Howard asked if he can play better than Sal. Jeremy said he hopes so. He said he's going to play ''Message in a Bottle'' by the Police. Howard said that's good. He had him play and asked Richard to play drums quietly. Jeremy played the song and Howard cut him off saying that he's better than Sal. Fred said he's not sure about that. He said he thinks that he's not much better than Sal. Richard said Sal is a better stage presences. Fred asked Jeremy to play some other stuff. Jeremy played a little bit of ''Come Together'' by the Beatles and some Green Day. Fred said he's a little more impressed now. Howard said he thinks he's better than Sal Fred said he does too. He said he thinks Message in a Bottle was a bad choice.
Howard asked Richard what he'd give Jeremy. Richard gave him a 7. He said he loves Sal. He said he thought the different riffs sounded good though. Howard asked how long he's been playing. Jeremy said about 25 years. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said next up was Rich Gibbons. Howard said he was playing for him the other day and he's good. Howard asked if he has to be better than Paul to get in the band. Fred said that's up to him. Howard said he's not sure how many guitars he has to have in the band. Fred said he could have a few. Howard said he might need 5. Howard said Rich is on the tapes team too. Howard asked how long he's been playing. Rich said a long time. He said he's been playing since he was a kid. Howard asked if Richard has heard him play. Richard said he has. Rich said he's going to be playing Fat Bottomed Girls. Howard told him to do it. Rich played and Richard came in on drums. Howard sang a little bit too.
Fred asked Rich to play something else. They didn't think he was showing all he could do. Rich said he has another song he could do. He played a song from some Tom Hanks movie. Fred said he's good but not as good as Paul. He gave him an 8. Howard said this band is going nowhere anyway. He said he doubts he'll even miss a practice.
Howard said the last guy to audition is Mike Fox from the tapes team. Mike said he's going to play ''Maybe I'm Amazed'' on keyboard. Howard had him go for it. Mike played the song and sang. Howard cut him off saying he was giving him a headache. Mike said he has another song to do. He said he wanted to show he can do background. Howard said he can't do that either. Mike played another song on the keyboard but didn't sing this time. Howard said he feels like he's at a children's piano recital. Howard said maybe he can play in someone else's band. Mike said he thought he was pretty good. Howard let him do another song. He sang with that one and Howard cut him off after 2 seconds. He told him to get out. He said Mike is a good guy but he's not sure he can be in the band.
Howard said Mike is like that guy on AGT who won't get off the stage. Benjy asked if he wants to hear his Shofar. Howard said he thinks that might work in the band. He said they could put a pick up on the Shofar. Howard asked if he can play the trumpet solo from Penny Lane for them. Benjy started playing the Shofar. Howard said he's in. Fred said that would work with ''Hurt.'' Howard said he'll try that out. Howard started playing. Benjy started playing the Shofar in the part where the singing would be. Howard and Benjy performed together for a few seconds. Benjy was playing along with Howard's singing.
Howard said Benjy is going to have a heart attack if he keeps going. Howard said he's in. Richard said spit is flying out of that thing so he can't stand in front of him on stage. Howard said they're the only band to have a Shofar. Howard said he's actually pretty good. Richard said it gives it a good sound. Howard said he has to take a break and get to George Lopez. Howard said he hasn't been there for a long time. Gary said the last time he was there was 2005. Howard said it's been 9 years. He had to do the math on that. Howard went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that George Lopez is there. Howard said they haven't seen him in 9 years. Howard said he loves this guy. He said he's got a new show called ''Saint George'' on FX Thursday nights. George came in and said the last time he was n he wasn't even on XM.
Howard said he's got a lot of questions. He said he had a talk show on TBS and he was averaging a million viewers. George said it was a hard gig but he loved it. He said he had so many people up his ass there telling him what was funny. He said they know nothing about comedy though. Howard said he made like 12 million doing stand up last year. He said he knows what he's doing. George said the guy was based in L.A. and his name sounds like David Hudson. He said TBS was based in Atlanta and this guy can eat his ass. He said he was such a back stabbing, back biting mother fucker. He said he's the reason the show isn't on anymore.
Howard said when you take a comedian and put him on TV talk show it's a whole different animal. Howard said it's what he's been dealing with on radio. He said they think they know but they don't.
George said he had a band leader on his show who worked with Michael Jackson. He said he was one of the last people to see Michael Jackson. He said there was a period around the time Michael died when all of this was going down. He said he found the guys he needed to be in the band and all of that. He said they did a pilot for the show outside of Warner Brothers. He said they wanted to see if he could do a show. George said he filled it up with people and had Sam Jackson, Kaley Cuoco and Dane Cook on the show.
Howard asked how old he was when he started doing comedy. George said he was 18. He said it was June 4, 1979. Howard said he remembers talking to him 9 years ago and how shitty his upbringing was. George said he still has that. George said he felt different than anyone else and he didn't know what else he could do. Howard said that he was raised by his grandma and nothing he did was good enough for her.
George said that his grandmother hated black people. He said she was a blatant racist. Howard said she hated George too. George said she did. Howard asked why she hated him. George said it was a very disconnected family. He said there wasn't much love there. He said no one liked anyone else. Howard asked if his mom and dad are dead now. George said he doesn't talk to his mom and he never met his dad. George said he doesn't have baby pictures of himself. He said he did the Byron Allen show once and he needed a baby picture. He said he just used one of his daughter's pictures and made it look old.
George said it makes you think that you don't matter when you don't have pictures. He said no one wanted him and he felt he didn't matter. He said it can drive you in a good way or in a bad way. Howard asked if he ever asked his grandmother why she didn't take pictures. George said the last time he saw his mother was about 25 years ago when he went to visit his grandma. He said she just happened to be there. George said she tried to give him a huge and he was like ''Get the fuck outta here.'' He said his grandmother took care of him but she didn't show any love.
George said he never put his grandma in a home. He said he hired black nurses to take care of her intentionally. He said that he wanted her to learn about racism. He said he called the place asking for black nurses and they asked who this was. He said that he told her who he was and she said there was no way it was. He said he got the manager on the line and they didn't believe he wanted black nurses. George said when he convinced them who it was the manager asked ''How black?''
George said his grandma didn't know who she was at the time. He said he had to pay the bills so he was the last one she forgot. He said she would tell them that he was her friend. George said it was worth it to him to pay the $750,000 for that.
Howard asked if he would have ended up in an orphanage if his grandma didn't take him. George said he thinks he would have ended up on the street. He said his grandmother did take care of him. He said he was a fat kid and she just ruined him.
Howard said George got a kidney transplant. Howard said George was a bed wetter and if his grandmother would have taken him to the hospital he could have saved it. George said he was born premature and he had ureters that weren't formed right so that led to his kidney disease. If he had gone to the doctor early on he could have fixed that. Howard said that's rough.
Howard asked how rough that was for him. George said that he's gone through some shit. Howard asked about this guy David Hudson who was slamming him. George said that it was the content of the show. He said that they wanted the show to be edgy. He said that he had Les Crowder as his head writer there. He said they wrote comedy that was edgy. He said that's what they wanted. Howard said he loves that about George that he'll say what he wants to say. George said they were told what they had too much of and not enough of. He said they would break down how they had too many whites, too many Hispanics, not enough whites, not enough Hispanics. He said it was all like that. Howard said you just have to get an audience. George said they struggled the first year to get picked up. He said the second year they got Conan. George said they asked what he thought about that. George said they bull shitted Conan too.
Howard said George's show was doing well for TBS. George said it was. He said they were taking the shit personal. He said that they did a thing where they did a nun dancing on a pole and then they did an Oprah thing where she was in a bathtub of cheese. He said they did shit that was wild. Howard said it was getting ratings.
Howard said then TBS hired Conan. Howard said that came out on George's ass. Howard said George was on at 11 and then they put Conan on at 11 and bumped George back. George said they asked him to call Conan to close the deal. He said he called Conan and told him it was a great place to work. He said even though it was in his time slot he did it. He said at that point they could have gotten rid of him that year. Howard said he was smart and just moved his show to 12. Howard said that did him in. George said there were less people watching and Conan's numbers weren't strong. Howard asked if his numbers were stronger than Conan's. George said yes. He said his numbers are still better than what Conan has now.
Howard asked why they did that to him. George said this guy came in and said that Conan is a folk hero and people love him. George said that he just went along with that. George said when they don't want you there you just ride it out as long as you can.
Howard said when a network doesn't want you they'll knock you. George said they were very diverse with the show. He said they had all kinds of people on. He said they didn't have a desk and he gave out Marijuana brownies and things like that. He said he isn't smoking that stuff anymore. Howard asked how clean he is. George said he's pretty clean. He said he isn't drinking now. Howard said he saw a picture of him passed out on a floor somewhere. George said he was really fucked up that night. He said he's not drinking now.
Howard asked if he's drowning out his pain. George said he drinks to hurt himself. He said that he has so much shit going on in his life. Howard said he has to be resentful for his life. He said that he has success and people just want shit from him.
George said they went to their up fronts the second year at TBS. He said they picked up Conan and picked him up until 2017 and only extended his show. George said this is a thing no one knows. He said that Jesse Jackson came in and said they wanted his show to continue because it was so diverse. He said that they didn't care and they canceled the show. George said that this was just a love of white and there was no room for him at the table. He said that it wasn't a race thing. He said it was more about ratings and money. He said he thinks it was the same thing that went on with Jay and Conan.
Howard asked what went on between George and Jay Leno. George said that there are guys who have been around a while in the business. He said Jay wouldn't put people on his show like Johnny Carson did. He said he wasn't embracing of comedians. Howard asked if Jay put him on The Tonight Show. George said he did. He said if Jay could fuck one of his cars and it could fuck him back he never would have done the Tonight Show. Howard said he doesn't like Jay personally. He said he has no problem with him as a comedian but as a human being he does.
George said Jay called him at home one night asking what his problem was. He said Jay couldn't believe that he talked about him and didn't come talk to his face. He said he never sees him so he can't say that to his face. George said he just said something on a radio show about how he's not an honest dude. He said they talked for about 20 minutes. He said Jay wants everyone to like him. He said Jay threatened to kick his ass. He said he would tear Jay Leno up. Howard asked why he threatened to kick his ass. George said it's because he talked about him.
George said that Richard Jeni passed away and Jay saw Paul Rodriguez at the funeral. He said he thought that Paul was him. He called him out at the funeral. George said that he can't even get his Mexican's right. Howard said that's really insulting. George said he'd be really offended if he was Paul.
Howard said doing a talk show is really hard. George said it really is but he had a lot of fun there. He said they never gave him any promos once they moved his show. He said that was it. Howard said maybe Mexicans should wear name tags so Jay can tell who they are.
Howard asked George if things have gotten better for the Mexicans in this country. George said he thinks they have. He said it depends on the talent you have. He said there are a lot more Latinos now.
Howard asked if Mexican Americans get together and have meetings. George said that they don't but they do get along better than they used to. He said he's gotten to be friends with Santana. He said that they toured together actually. George joked that all he has to do to get on stage is put on a suit and take half a Vicodin. Howard asked if he has to do that. George said he doesn't have to. He said it helps. George said he likes to do his comedy specials live. He said he doesn't like to do them recorded.
Howard asked George about hanging out with Cheech and Chong and how he smokes weed with Cheech while they golf. George said he met Cheech in 1981 and went to get a picture he had saved and his cousin was selling them in school.
Howard asked if he's a good golfer. George said he is. Howard said he played with a few guys and he can't play. He said he can drive the ball but that's about it. George said it is a very frustrating game. Howard said it seems like a tremendous waste of time. George said the trick is to play with the right guys. Howard said he was very frustrated with the way he played. George said ''Well, look at your body.'' Howard said he's right.
Howard asked George if he graduated high school. George said he did. He said that's why college basketball doesn't matter to him. He didn't go to college.
Howard said George's health is good now. He has the new kidney and he's doing well. Howard said that George's wife gave him the kidney and then he divorced her. Howard asked why he's so difficult to be around. George said he's disconnected. He said he has never really seen real love. He said that he rejects people when he's with them. Howard asked if he would ever marry again. George said no. He said he isn't even dating. He said he is kind of lonely.
Howard said he can get lonely too. He said that at some point he'll want someone. George said he bought a big house in L.A. and he stays in just one room. He said he has posters, a guitar and a big TV. He said he doesn't know why he bought the big house. Howard said he did that so he can date. George said he hasn't even had a party there yet. Howard said he can have a bunch of male buddies but not women. George said that something has to happen naturally. He said that you can't force someone to like you more. He said you just want someone to appear and let it happen naturally.
Howard asked if he masturbates a lot. George said he tries to cut back because that keeps you from socializing. Howard said it's another disconnect.
Howard said George's wife gave him the kidney and then she got upset when they divorced. George said that they don't usually have donors meet. He said that he thinks that she is upset about that whole thing. He said he doesn't like to talk about her because there is more anger now than there ever was. He said that it's better left alone. Howard asked if they have kids. George said he has a daughter. He said he hasn't helped himself at all in his life. He said he has fucked it all up. He said performing wise things are fantastic.
Howard asked if he can put that into his personal life. George said it's never too late to try. He said he's been going to therapy for 14 years and he thinks that it's more effective now that he's not lying to him. He said he goes twice a week when he's in town. Howard said sometimes he goes 4 days a week. Howard said he has to go over there now.
Howard said that George would say that his personal life is a 2 and his professional life is a 9. George said he might argue with that 2.
Howard asked George what happened at the casino he passed out at. George said he was sitting down drinking shots and when he got up he couldn't stand up. He said he just passed out on the floor. Howard said he was just having fun. George said he probably had 17 shots of Patron. He said that everything works so it's fine. Howard asked if he's an alcoholic. George said he hasn't had a drop of alcohol since then and it's been a month. Robin said a whole month! George thanked her for that. George said that he won't go to any meetings. He said he's friends with Slash and he's been dry for years so he'll talk to him. He said he called Danny Trejo who helps too. He said he hasn't had a drink in 45 years. Howard said he's Machette. Gary said he's coming in soon. Howard said he can't wait.
Howard asked if Danny is a bad ass. George said he's a pussy cat. He said he was in prison though. He said Howard should ask him about that tattoo he has on his chest. He said that he started it at one prison and then continued it at another prison 2 years later.
George told Howard that he doesn't want to hurt anyone else and he might still be drinking if someone hadn't taken that picture of him on the floor. He said he has been to a bunch of things that would trigger that stuff and he's been good. George said that a bunch of guys were going out to the clubs when he was out promoting a movie and he didn't do it. Howard said he only has like one glass of wine.
Howard asked if he's had any pussy in the past few years. George said he has. He said he's not denying himself.
Howard said he understands that his old show is in syndication and it's doing very well. George said it's never not been on since 2002. He said it's been running ever since then. Howard said FX gave him a 10 episode deal and if it did well they'd give him 90. George said that they had that deal with a few people. He said Charlie Sheen had that deal too. He said that they feel they can tell if it's a show that's going to work after 10. He said you're immediately in the money after the first 10. Howard asked what he's worth. George said a couple hundred thousand. Howard asked if the divorce killed him. George said it helps growing up poor. He said you don't know what money means. George said he doesn't want to be poor again. He said that is not fun.
Howard asked George if he plays guitar. George said he does. George ended up playing a little bit for Howard. Howard said he was awful. Howard told him to start again. George said he knows he won't make it into the band. Howard said he's worse than he is. George said he's sorry he let him down. He said that's a beautiful guitar he has. Howard said they sent that over for free.
Howard asked what this Saint George show is about. George told him who is in the show like Danny Trejo and a bunch of other people. He said he has a great cast. George said he plays a divorced guy who created an energy drink and made money with that. He said their commercials are way over the top like those Hispanic TV commercials.
Howard asked if he is a folk hero in the Latin community. George said he is a folk hero just like Conan is a folk hero.
Howard asked when he'll know that his show is going to get picked up. George said that the first show did well with 1.2 million. He said they were down the second week but then the third week they were back up. He said that they're doing well. Howard asked when they know they're getting picked up. George said if they increase the audience or stay where they are then they'll make it. Howard said he's going to beg his fans to watch the show. Howard said you might actually like it. Howard said he will watch it for Machette. George said that Danny plays his crazy uncle and you get to see his tattoos. He said they had to clear every tattoo face that's on his body. He said they had to get that from every person on his body.
Howard asked if they shoot in front of a live audience. George said they don't. Howard asked how he learns his lines. George said it's just repetition. He said he has to do it by himself. Howard asked if he does art in his room. George said he does draw little bit. Howard asked what he has on the walls there. George said he has a KISS poster and things like that. He said he has a Peter Frampton poster too. He said he loves musicians. He said he bought an Escalade from Paul Stanley. He said he thinks that's great. He said that he needed that truck and he just happened to have it. George said that they went on tour with Motley Crue and he introduced them. He said Paul asked him if he wanted the Escalade. He said that he went by the blue book value and he just took it.
Howard asked what he says when he opens for them like that. George said you just do a quick introduction. He said they tell him what they want him to say. He said Motley Crue was nervous he was going to make fun of them. He said he wondered what the fuck they were thinking. He said he knew they were concerned and he just kept it simple.
Howard said he can't imagine George tweeting. George said he tweets a lot actually. He said he never apologized about passing out at that casino though. Howard said he should follow him. George said he should.
Howard gave George some plugs for his TV show and said that his fans should watch so George gets picked up for another 90 episodes. Howard asked where the hell he's been the past 9 years. George said they just don't have him in. George said that he wanted to come in but they didn't have him on. George said he's a big fan of the show. Howard asked if he's a big fan of Benjy's too. George said no. Howard said he heard Benjy was making out with Elisa in front of George. George said Gary closed the door for him. George said that girl is hot. He said they both have to be nuts. He said he should just get married.
Howard asked if George and Sandra are still friends. George said they stay in touch. He said they're not that close but he has nothing bad to say about her. Howard said she got $70 million from Gravity. Howard said he thinks she called in once on the show. He said she's very nice. He said she was at Jimmy Kimmel's house. George said that he lives up the street from Jimmy now. Howard said Jimmy is a big shot now.
Howard said it's great talking to him. Howard said that he's welcome there any time. Howard said he should come over and play with Santana sometime. Howard said he's a folk hero. George told him to stop it. Howard asked if he ever goes to Mexico. George said there are too many Mexicans there.
George said he had a house in Hawaii and he used to share it. He said that this guy owned the island they lived on. He said Larry Ellison from oracle bought the island and everyone was happy. George said that the island is small and he wondered where he was going to live. George said the guy bought his house and gave him 48 hours to get the fuck out. He said he got a good amount of money for the house though. He said they gave him 30 hours to decide. Howard said he must have had a lot of money on that. George said he got out of there quickly.
Howard asked if he comes over will he get to play with Santana. George said he might. Howard said he wants everyone to watch George's show. Howard said he doesn't care what his grandmother thought of him. He said he loves George. Howard gave him some more plugs. Saint George is on Thursdays at 9 on FX.
George said last time he saw Gary he was doing Conan instead of doing his show. Howard said that's because Conan is a folk hero. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard said they got a lot of email. He said people don't want King of All Blacks on and there are people saying they like Hanzi but not King of All Blacks. Howard said one guy said he's liked the show since he was on 105.7. Howard said he has no idea what station that was.
Howard read some mail about Medicated Pete's appearance yesterday and people love and hate him. He had a few positive emails and a couple of negative emails.
Howard said someone asked what he thought of Nick Cannon dressing up like a white man and posting it. Howard said this is not racist. Howard said there was this thing called Slavery not so long ago. He said white performers used to dress in black face to play black people. Howard said Amos and Andy were two white guys who did that. Howard said when a white man puts on black face people get upset and that's understandable. Howard said when a black man does it there is no reason to get upset. He said that white people weren't subjected to slavery. He said it is a double standard. He said everyone complaining about it is the racist trying to pin it on Nick. Howard said that's the simple explanation.
Howard said people loved Maria Menounos and her father on the show. Howard read some of that email. Howard said someone pointed out that he said that he likes doctor patient porn and he must have forgotten that Maria was molested by a doctor. Howard said he did forget that.
Howard read an email about how there is no ''the'' in front of Ukraine. Howard said they are not professional broadcasters. He said they don't know. Robin wondered what's wrong with saying The Ukraine.
Howard said whenever he hears Purple Rain he's going to feel he's going to get spit on. He said Pete was singing yesterday and spitting all over.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that was a great interview with Mr. Lopez. He said that he told George he has to come back sooner. He said George said he will.
Howard said that they say that the NY Times uses the term ''The Ukraine'' in their news stories. Howard said it must be okay then.
Howard took a call from Speech Impediment Man who said that was a great interview with George. He said he used to see him in the 80s at in Pasadena. Howard thanked him for the call.
Howard said he was looking in the paper and saw pictures of Heidi Klum on vacation in a bikini. Howard said she was having a nip slip. He said they never have that around him on AGT. He said she wears a blazer on the show. He said he asked her what's up with that once. He said that he sees her tits hanging out a lot and she's never showing that on the show. He said she says that it's a family show. Howard said he doesn't think it's that much of a family show. He said there are men who watch. He said kids can handle a nip slip here and there. Howard did a live commercial break after that.
Howard said he had some porn tapes that they pulled clips from. He said that they're so over the top with the screaming in those porn movies now. Howard played one where this French guy is face fucking a woman and when he finishes he's really loud. Howard said it's over acting and who ever thought there would be over acting in porn. Howard played another clip of a woman screaming like she was being murdered in the porn. Robin said that doesn't sound pleasurable at all. Howard said he has another one of a foreign couple having anal sex. That woman sounded like she was being killed too. Howard said it sounds like the guy is sawing her in half.
Robin started her news with a story about Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow breaking up. Howard said he wasn't surprised by that. Howard said he knows what's going on there. Robin had a quote from them talking about how they'll always be a family. Robin said they have actually been separated for over a year. Robin asked if Howard is going to stay friends with Chris or Gwyneth. Howard said Chris has done the show so he's staying friends with him.
Robin read a story about a girl who put her picture up on social media trying to find her birth mother. She was abandoned in a Burger King bathroom in 1986. Howard asked why she would like to meet a woman who did that to her. Howard said if he was adopted he'd want to meet his birth parents too. He said he'd want to know his background. Robin said she doesn't even want to know her parents. Howard said he knows that but he'd be curious if he was adopted. Robin said this girl was very happy to meet her mother. She actually was reunited. Robin said the woman gave her a hug and told her that she was regretful of what she did. She was only 17 and she hid that from her parents the whole time. Howard said that has to be weird.
Robin read a story about L'Wren Scott's death and how it's not clear if Mick Jagger was broken up with her at the time or not. Robin said we're not sure. Howard said this has been on the front page of the paper for the last week. He said that's a long time to have her on the cover. Howard said people are so fascinated. Howard said you can't be that shocked when Mick Jagger dumps someone. He said he hasn't really stayed with anyone. Howard said he's still not sure how she killed herself. Howard said he doesn't get how that works with a scarf on a door handle. Robin said it's not clear if the band liked her either. Robin said they thought a lot of Mick's family didn't like her either.
Robin read a story about where it would be best to live during a zombie apocalypse. Howard said he thinks Fred's house is the spot to live. Howard said in The Walking Dead they have to keep walking around. He said he's not sure why they don't go to a high rise apartment and just close it off. Robin said they think that Alaska would be the place to live. They have high gun ownership and a lot of ex-military living up there with survival methods. Howard said he would rather be a zombie than live in Alaska. He said he'd just kill himself. Robin said New Jersey came in dead last for the place to live when zombies take over. Howard said he has a movie idea. He said it's Sarah Palin vs. Zombies. Howard said he'd watch that. Robin said she would rather die than have her leading the brigade. Howard said Palin's kid, Trig, gets abducted and the whole movie is her trying to get her kid back. Robin said that's like the season of the Walking Dead when they were looking for the little kid. Howard said this is Sarah Palin though. Howard said maybe the researchers in this study should think about curing cancer instead.
Robin read a story about a little girl who shaved her head to support her friend who had lost her hair to Chemo. The school she was going to told her not to show up if she didn't have a wig on. Howard said that's ridiculous. Howard said that is the sweetest thing to do for a friend. Robin said they say she was in violation of the dress code. Robin said the school board voted last night and they are letting her back in but one member voted no. Robin wondered who would do such a thing. Howard went into a live commercial read and then a break after that.
After the break, around 9:45am, Howard came right back and had Robin do some more news. Robin read a story about Michelle Obama getting some negative feedback from someone at the White House. Robin read about this woman who was a press secretary who says that she had to have everything just right there. Howard said that's so stupid. He said if you work for someone of course they want things just right.
Robin read a story about an accident at a train station in New Brunswick, New Jersey. Robin said someone looked out at the tracks to see if a train was coming and the train came through and killed the person. Howard said of course. He asked why you need to look. Robin said parts of the man's body hit 4 other people on the platform. Howard said you can't hear the train coming. He said you don't need to look. Howard said you never need to look for a train. Robin said 3 of the people who were hit had to be hospitalized.
Robin read about how some secret service members were found drinking while on duty. Robin said one was found passed out in a hallway. Robin said that they never heard stuff like this in the past. Robin said this has been happening more and more lately.
Robin read a story about 66 year old woman who was found in front of her still running TV 6 months after people thought she went missing. Robin said they said her body was partially mummified. Robin said some neighbors smelled a bad smell but the landlord noticed her mailbox was full and checked her apartment. Howard said that's how he wants to go, in front of the TV.
Robin read about how Oscar Pistorius is going to take the stand in his trial. Robin said that the state has concluded their case and the defense will lay out their case next. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a new rule for the NFL where they will penalize a team for 15 yards if they celebrate touchdown. Robin said you can't do that anymore.
Robin read a story about a study that was done about how long people think about getting a divorce before it happens. Robin said that they say it takes an average of 24 months and 12 days. Howard said people think we live frivolously but you have to think a long time about something like that. Robin read some more details from that article. She said that infidelity is the number one most common reason. Then there are other reasons like just falling out of love. Howard said sometimes you just need someone new. Robin said they say that mostly younger people who get married early are ending up in divorce.
Robin read a story about a Texas man who was on the missing Malaysian airline flight that disappeared. Robin said that the man's wife is frustrated by this and she is keeping hope up that they find him. Robin was in the middle of a sentence when her microphone cut off. Howard did a live commercial read to kill some time while they fixed that.
Howard said Robin has disappeared like the Malaysian airplane. Howard said he thinks he lost her. Howard said they're having a technical problem. Howard said he'll do another commercial and maybe they'll have Robin back. Scott came in and headed toward Howard. Howard warned him that he just farted. Scott said he had to come over there. Howard did another live commercial read.
Scott fixed the feed and Robin was back. Howard finished up the commercial read and had Robin get back to her news. Howard asked how long she was reading that story. Robin said she did the whole story and waited for him to hit the sound.
Robin read a story about president Obama talking about Ukraine. She had some audio of Obama talking about what's going on over there.
Robin read about the death toll climbing in Washington State where the mud slide happened. Robin said 2 more bodies were found yesterday. Robin said they've found 16 so far. Robin said they think at least 24 people died. Robin said she read a story about an elderly couple that had matching recliners and they were ripped apart when the mud and water came into their house. The man found his way out but his wife had been pulled in a different direction and ended up dead. The guy asked the rescuers to find his wife instead of helping him. Howard said that's a good dude there.
Robin said one of the guys who went to North Korea with Dennis Rodman is speaking out now. Robin had some audio of him talking about why they went over there and how things turned political which isn't what they wanted.
Robin read had some audio of Arnold Schwarzenegger talking about his new movie and about missing his old job of Governor of California. Howard played that clip and Robin wrapped up her news. Howard ended the show around 10:10am.
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Jon said he wants Lisa G to come in. He said she barely got a few notes out today. Jon said she's more than welcome to come in. He said that they question her about going in and playing guitar when she's a violin player. Jon said that Steve Brandano was very nervous and he's been playing for a long time. He said even Paul was nervous. Jon asked if Richard gets nervous. Richard said everyone does. He said they say if you don't then there's something wrong.
Steve said he was very nervous today. He said he hasn't heard it back yet but he would be much more upset if he didn't do it. Jon said he had some attitude too. He said he told Howard he didn't care what he thinks.
Gary asked about Fred's scoring system. Jon said they're getting to that. Jon said Fred gave Steve a 7 and so did Richard. He said that Fred was being kind of sympathetic. He said then Fred took it very seriously. Gary said he was like Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul at the same time. Richard said he didn't want to give a score. He said if someone is trying then he's happy with them. He said he can't be honest with that kind of stuff. Jon said it takes a lot of guts to go up and do that. He said he gives props to everyone who tried out.
Lisa G came in and Jon said he knows she's disappointed. He asked her what happened. Lisa said she had beginner stage fright. Gary asked her why she did that when she plays violin like a pro. Lisa said that it's hard to sound great on the violin. She said she keeps telling them that. She said if she felt secure enough on the violin she would have been in there playing it. Gary said he thinks she's wasted a lifetime playing then. Lisa said it's very frustrating to not be better than she is. She said that she isn't the best in the chamber ensemble that she's in. She said she might be third in the group.
Lisa said that it was a big deal for her to pick up and play again after working for so long. Lisa said that they obviously didn't read her book. Lisa said she's trying the best she can. Jon asked how long she laid that down for. Lisa said it was decades.
Gary said some people think she must be pretty good to play in the group. He said that it must be so personal to her that she won't bring it to the show. Lisa said he's not hearing what she said. Gary said he's just saying what people are thinking.
Steve asked Lisa why she thinks she can play guitar. She said she was pretty good and she sent in a tape where she can play. She said she can finger pick and that's much more involved. Richard asked if she wanted to try again. Lisa said it might sound the same. Gary said he heard she wanted to play for Shuli in the back room. Lisa said that was only in front of one person though. She said she might choke again. Jon said Lisa is saying that she wishes she played better so she could try out with the violin. Lisa said she would and she'd be jamming with them if she was better.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that you're either good or you can't play. He said that he doesn't get what Lisa is saying. Lisa said she needs good technique with the violin. She said that the bow bounces and things like that. She said it's difficult for her. She said she doesn't have those good qualities when she's playing.
Richard said he thinks Howard could end up opening for Billy Joel at his concert in May. He said that could end up being a surprise for them.
Jon said that he wanted to talk about Sal for a minute. He said that he wanted to practice with his bass and he said no. He said that Sal was almost obsessed with the whole thing. He said he really wanted to know if he got in. He said that he's a mess right now. Richard said they were listening to the replay a little while ago and Sal was very happy with his own performance. Gary said he was surprised when Fred said Sal wasn't very good. He said he thought it sounded fine to him. Jon said that Fred knew that Sal was a guitar player and he was playing guitar on the bass. He said that's what a lot of bass players do though.
Lisa said that she asked Jon if he has ever auditioned for anyone. They talked about how there's something called The Art of the Audition. Jon said you need the goods but you have to be able to play or sing. He said that happened with a few people today when they came up short.
Gary said he got an audition once to be the host of a game show. He said it was a VH1 show where they did music trivia. He said he can't remember the name of it. He said he was in a room with really good looking guys. He said he will never forget how it went. He said he just lost steam and confidence in his audition. He said he just gave up and walked out after thanking them for the chance. He said he was bombing.
Richard said he heard a story years ago about a friend of his who auditioned for bass for Frank Zappa. He said his friend said they got the music a few days early and this one guy comes in and he's amazing. Frank had already picked someone. He didn't get the music three days earlier like everyone else did so Frank said he had a friend who could help and he's been with Weird Al Yankovic for years.
Richard said that you have to make the audition your whole life. He said the whole week before he auditioned for Iced Earth he practiced the whole time. Gary said Richard was playing Name that Tune for him and he told him to be prepared to do that with Howard. He said Richard came back with a page and a half of songs he could play for Howard. He was prepared.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that if Lisa has played an instrument her whole life they're going to have an expectation of what she can do and she's not going to let them down. Gary said she doesn't want to embarrass herself either. The caller said he didn't think Lisa was going to go in and set herself up for failure so she did the guitar thing instead. Lisa said she thought she'd do a nice job and there might be potential for her. She said that didn't happen. She said she fell on her ass and had complete stage fright.
The guys brought in a guitar for Lisa to play Blackbird on. Lisa played and did a little better than she did earlier this morning. Gary said she's a beginner so he can't goof on that. Jon had her start over and went to break after that.
Jon said that Fred kind of ripped Rich apart today. Richard said he thought Fred was looking for something else. Gary said he thought Rich did a good job. Gary said that song he did from the movie was a terrible choice for an audition. He said it was a very simple song. He said he loves the song but it was too simple for what Fred was looking for.
Steve said he has a conspiracy theory. He said Fred has been the go to guitar player for years but Howard has been taking lessons from Rich. Jon said that maybe Fred was protecting his space.
Gary said they know for sure the band is Howard, Richard and Fred. Gary asked if anyone else is in. Jon said he doesn't think anyone was told they were in the band. He doesn't know if any decisions were made. Richard said he was in the band Death and his audition went amazing but he didn't find out until a few rehearsals were done. He said they may need do hang out and do some social things together.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she was calling about the guy who played the Beatles song. She said if that guy hadn't been singing she would have thought it was Paul McCartney. She said it sounded exactly like the Beatles. She wondered what the deal was. Gary said he thought he was good but once you throw the vocals on there that's all you can hear. Richard said his vocals were good until he tried to hit the high notes. Gary said he was doing some weird voice thing on one of the songs.
Gary said they should talk about Steve a little bit today. He said Steve put the whole segment together. He said he could tell that he was way nervous about performing. He said he wasn't nervous about producing. Steve said he was nervous about producing. He said he wasn't scared but he was nervous about playing. He said he played throughout college. He said it was just a fun thing to do in college at the bars. He never thought he'd be in a band. Steve said a lot of people listen to the show and it got to him. Steve said he didn't expect Howard to say it was fantastic. He expected him to tell him to get out of the studio. Steve said he wishes he had done better but he's glad he played. He said he would have been upset if he hadn't tried at all.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he knows Steve has played a long time and he knew there were others auditioning. He said that if he had done more of an arrangement he would have been fine. Steve said he didn't even want to get into the band. He was just doing it to do it. The caller said he probably could have gotten the spot if he had put more into it. Steve said he knows but he chose that route. They went to break after that.
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Gary said one thing he didn't get was when George said that white people like to stick together but it wasn't a racial thing to get rid of him. Jon said he found it nuts that he made that call to Conan to come to TBS. He said that basically lost him the job.
Gary asked if he thinks that Jay Leno really threatened to kick George's ass. Gary said he hopes that was real. Jon said he hopes that George succeeds with the TV show. He said that could be a great deal for him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the more famous guys they have in the band the better it would be. He said that it might be better with guys who are on the air more than it would be with a guy from the Tapes Team. Jon said he's wondering how it's going to go if it's Howard, Fred, Richard and Sal. Richard said that Sal will entertain them a lot. He said that if they go on tour they will be entertained. Richard said he used to do some wild stuff on tour. He said he used to shit in a coffee can and cooked it in the oven. He said he did some other wild stuff with poo too.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that Richard has been her favorite on the show. She said he's so talented. Richard thanked her for that.
Jon said that Maria Menounos is with them again. Gary asked how things were yesterday after the show. Maria said her dad said that he's never going to church ever again after what he said yesterday. Gary said that her mom said that he thought he was talking to the world and didn't realize he was talking to the world. Maria said her mom said that everyone was going to be listening but her dad doesn't get that. Maria said they were out at a screening for her TV show and her dad was joking about bush with Keven. She said that her mom was taking it like a champ though. She said it feels like the most surreal thing ever. She said that people are telling her to shut up on Twitter. She said that she was screaming so much that she lost her voice.
Richard said he was freaking out about Howard asking his parents about that kind of stuff on the air. Maria said she's still like a 15 year old to her dad so this was freaking her out like crazy. She said she will never talk about bush with her dad. She said that it's fine that he can joke about bush with Keven but it's strange to her. Maria said that she and her father are a lot alike but it still freaks her out.
Maria said that she wanted Gary to make it stop yesterday and he didn't do it. She said that he didn't save her. Maria said she knows she can't walk out of the show. She said that she was trying to change the subject and talk over what he was saying.
Gary said Keven was on the Wrap Up show and he was talking about the rift they had years ago and how they had separated. Gary said he though Keven was saying that they had separated but it was a separation of them and her parents, not Keven and Maria. Maria said things got really bad back then. She said that it was just bad. She didn't have details about why it was so bad.
Maria said that this is so surreal that she's not sure how to digest what went on yesterday. Maria said that Keven is a super fan. She said that he used to be lost when Howard would go on vacation. She said he doesn't know what to do when he doesn't have it. Maria said that he wasn't going to stop yesterday because he's such a fan. Gary said Keven was there waving his arms to keep going when Maria was trying to get her dad to stop. Maria said that this isn't okay. She said she doesn't want to know this stuff about her dad.
Gary said the one thing he hopes she takes from this is that her dad is a cool guy. Maria said that she knows that they're cool. She said she actually took her parents to a strip club. She said the crew of the movie they were working on, Serial Buddies, would disappear every night. She said they were all going to the strip club. She said she went one night and the first thing she saw was boobs. She said she ended up having the most fun night ever. Maria said the next day she decided to take everyone to the strip club and she told her parents that they were going to the casino. She said that she tricked her parents into going. She said they went in and her mom got molested by a stripper. She said her dad had a girl dancing backwards on him and he ran a dollar bill up on her chest. Maria said that she asked if she was the first one to ever bring her parents to the club and they said she was. Maria said she sent her parents to the champagne room and her dad was trying to touch the girls. She said they were yelling at him not to touch.
Gary thanked Maria for coming in and said they were great on the show yesterday. Richard said he was happy to hear that they went to Hollywood Horror Night with Mario Lopez. He said he goes every year. Maria said that if they have her dad back she can't be there. Gary said that would be awesome. Jon said they had to end the show. Maria got in a plug for her show ''Chasing Maria Menounos'' and the guys got in their plugs and ended the show around 11:05am.
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Jon Hein started the show talking about what they played this morning on Howard 100. Jon said he wants to talk about how they all have that one guy who gets under their skin and you don't know why. He brought that up after they mentioned Ronnie and King of All Blacks. Gary said it used to be Eric the Actor for him. He said King has kind of ramped it up recently. He said he didn't used to be that annoying. He said King making fun of Ronnie reminds him of Stuttering John making fun of him. He said King is entertaining Howard and that's all that matters. Gary said Sal will throw his wife under the bus to make Howard laugh. He said King just comes right out of the box and points out things that are wrong with people.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Ronnie seems to be a bit tight lipped lately. He said he asked if they think he's been thinking about his death. Jon said he thinks that Ronnie is upset about his dog dying and that really hit him hard. He said he doesn't think it's for show. He said he thinks he's hurting. Gary said he agrees.
Gary said Ronnie said he lost his dog and lost him too soon. The dog was only 7. Gary said they should live to 12-15 years old. He said that's what Ronnie is dealing with. Jon said it does have a powerful impact when someone doesn't live as long as you expect. He said the caller isn't the only one to pick up on it though. The caller said he can tell it's been getting to Ronnie.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he was wondering what Gary's take is on Howard coming to King's rescue. Gary said he doesn't think he's doing that. He said Howard likes the entertainment factor of his calls. He said Howard doesn't really take sides. He said it's just fun to hear what happens.
Jon said this happens with a lot of callers like King of All Blacks and Eric the Actor. He said it's music to Howard's ears. Jon said you do expect Howard to have your back when you go in there but then Howard will back off and you feel betrayed. He said you never know where Howard is going to come down. Gary said you can't see that when you're in there either.
Jon said he thinks King has taken the same path that Eric the Actor did with Gary. Gary said he'd like to have a conversation with him on the Wrap Up Show. He said you'll take a shot at him and if you wound him he pulls out the race card. He said he's a funny character that way.
Jon said Medicated Pete was there this week and he can be kind of annoying but he's a likeable guy. He said that it's even lovable. Gary said if you know him for an hour you hate him but if you know him for a week you love him. He said you get to know him and he's a great guy. Jon said that people think they're exaggerating about how long he stays around but he was there all day. He said that he took selfies with everyone there and you can see how annoyed some people are. He said Pete just does not leave.
Gary said Pete was there at 5:30 in the morning to be on at 8. He said he did his thing on the show and then did the Wrap Up Show. He said he was out in the lobby until 4:45 and he may not have even left after that. He said just imagine that you have a daughter who has him over at the house.
Gary said someone who used to work for them works in a library where Pete lives. He said you have your regulars when you work in the retail business. Gary said that they knew a guy who was in the record store he worked in and he was there so much his mother would call asking if he was there. He said someone saw Pete in the library and they thought he might be good for the show. They were right.
Jon said that Pete has two resumes and you want it to work for him but you don't know what he can do. Gary said he had Pete there for two semesters. He said it wasn't a job so he had to sit down with him and let him know that he had to go. He said he just couldn't do it anymore and Pete was bummed.
Jon asked if people pity him. Gary said he doesn't. He said there are times when Pete cracks some jokes and he's funny. You realize that he does have something going on up there. Jon said he talks sports with him and he'll go back to his work and Pete will still mumble to himself about what they were talking about. He said that's going on even when he's not talking to him. He said there is something in there though.
Benjy asked if they have texted him at all. Jon said he hasn't. Benjy said he's wondering if he has a normal conversation going on in his head. He said if he wrote it out it might come out more normal. He said people say JD writes better than he talks. Gary said he is a very good writer and he can convey things better in writing. Benjy said he wonders if that happens with Pete too.
Jon said Pete knows what's going on a little bit. Gary asked if he knows he's hovering over Jon. Jon said he thinks he does. He said Jason has told him to do it and he thinks he knows what he's doing. Jon said he doesn't think Pete thinks he's bothering him though.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if there is anyone there that doesn't go crazy when their pet dies. He said it's just an animal and get over it. Gary and Jon said Will doesn't get upset. Jon said he had a cat and Will was doing cartwheels. Gary said Will's family owned a deer farm and he has a different view of animals. He said it was the family business to kill dear. Jon said that the feelings vary. He said some are affected by their pets and some aren't. He said Will is on the low end of the spectrum. Gary said he was until he got a dog. Jon said he's attached to his pet but he realizes it's not a child. He said he doesn't think of it as a child. They went to break after that.
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Jon asked Sal if he thinks that they are similar. Sal said that JD is very good on paper. He said he's like Stephen Hawking. He said he's like a mumbling, functioning Stephen Hawking. Sal said the guy doesn't believe in god though so how smart can he be. Gary asked if he thinks that the whole god thing is to just get people to behave. Sal said he thinks that we have it all wrong and the bible and religion is to keep people behaving. He said that he also thinks that based on his marriage that god is a woman.
Jon asked Sal what he thinks is in the after world. Sal said he thinks you just change into a different form of energy and you're interconnected with other forms of energy. Gary asked if he's still Sal Governale and does he remember everything in this life. Sal said he thinks that you're every life you've been through. He said we're just souls and your soul is independent and moves on when you die. Jon asked if he affects where it goes next. Sal said absolutely. He said he thinks that he's going to a decent place when he dies. He said he might go to Cleveland instead of Detroit.
Sal said he thinks that we take life for granted and when you see someone handicapped you feel pity. He said you realize you have things that they don't and you appreciate that. Gary asked what the handicapped people did to get there. Sal said he read that when a soul is in a different dimension you elect where you want to be. He said that can have an effect on where you end up. Sal said he thinks that you can choose to be that. Sal said you can change people's lives for the better. Sal said it can elevate you even more when your soul passes on.
Gary said that he just wants to remind people that this is Howard 100. He said they are talking about this stuff but it is still Howard 100.
Jon said that Fred loves what he does because he's a musician first. He said he gets to try new stuff on the Late Show with Seth and that's great.
Gary asked if Fred does sketches with Seth. JD said he sees that they do a banter thing with the two of them. JD said he finds it funny.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Sal and Riley might want to do a show together. He said that a lot of Fred's personality comes out in Portlandia. He said he seems kind of aloof. Gary said he thinks he's quirky but not really aloof. He said he doesn't think that you could put Alec Baldwin in Portlandia. He said that Fred takes his characters to ridiculousness.
Benjy said that they had talked to Fred about the writing process and how they start with a normal thing and make it as absurd as they can. Gary said one thing they did was a bit where they were a cool couple at a coffee shop and they were one upping each other on what they did that day and it was hysterical. The guys spent a little longer talking about Fred and then went to break.
Gary said David was a really funny guy and David respected Howard and did that early on. Jon said he went to bat for Howard early on at WNBC. Gary said he had a very interesting life that he was willing to talk about on the air. He said he was very funny telling the stories too.
Jon said Joan Rivers had a few things to say about David. Gary said he thinks Joan loved him. He said that he spoke to her in the green room about him. He said that she said it was the best years of her life when she toured with David. Gary said when you have this great moment with someone and it goes away and you try to recreate it again it may not work.
Benjy said he thinks that David was known for coming up with new material in every comedy show. He said Joan is known as a joke teller and it's a different style. He said there's something great about an improv thing. Gary said Joan brought up something with him about David that annoyed her. He said that David didn't want to come on to music or go off the stage to music. Gary said that they used to joke with Jackie about that stuff.
Jon asked Sal what he prefers. Sal said that he prefers no music. He said it can pump up the audience too much at times. He said it can be kind of weird with that transition. He said some people like that. He said he can see Sam Kinison coming out to music. Gary said Artie used to come out to AC/DC.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if he's ever found Joan to be attractive. Gary said no. The caller asked if he ever thought of her that way. Gary said their age difference is pretty big so he's never done that. He said he has thought about ''can I do that''. He said that he said he may have thought about having sex with her but it doesn't go that far.
Gary said he found it weird when Louis C.K. did that episode with Joan and had sex with her. He said that he used to wonder about Amy Carter and if he could do her. He said he thinks he might like that notch on his belt. Sal said you just bend Joan over and go to town. He said he bets that she's great in the sack. Sal said anyone who is edgy and hard core must be great in bed. He said he bets that she isn't afraid to say ''Put your ball bag in my mouth'' and things like that.
Jon said Joan was also saying that she doesn't hold grudges unless it's something against her daughter. Gary said he gets that. He said he still holds a grudge against a guy who said something to his son 10 years ago.
Sal and JD were talking about how hot Melissa Rivers is to them. They think she's really hot. Gary said Joan gave him advice once about his wife being pregnant. He said she told him that his wife should get a tummy tuck and things like that while she was in the hospital giving birth.
Benjy asked Gary if he thinks of Joan as being an older woman. Gary said he bets that she can still wear the same dress she wore in 1965. Benjy said he meant how he felt about her age. Jon said it's tough to stay relevant over time but Joan has managed to do that. Gary said people seem to love her. He said that she is very well known.
Jon said it was time to wrap up the Wrap Up Show. He let the guys get in their plugs and then ended the show around 11:10am.
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Gary said Scott didn't found the losers. He said Howard named it The Losers because Scott was the drummer in it. Scott said it is Howard's band. He said he inspired the band.
Jon asked Gary if Scott is right about how Howard felt about his drumming. Gary said he's not sure. He said he got that a little bit but it wasn't from the beginning. He said the original losers were Howard, Fred, Jackie and Scott. Scott said Stuttering John was in it too. Gary said things are coming back to him now. He said Fred made a comment off the air and said he felt Scott was playing the drums wearing oven mitts.
Benjy asked how he was replaced. Scott said he was replaced by an intern at first. He said he didn't think that was right. Scott said he didn't say anything on the air. Benjy asked if Howard announced it on the air. Scott said he doesn't remember.
Jon asked if he was upset or did he just go along with it. Scott said he just went along with it. He said Howard got more and more competitive and he was trying to get better. He said that was the key to it. He said they needed a better drummer. He said if they didn't get competitive he would still be in the band.
Scott said when they played with James Brown he was good. Jon said he thought Gary stole that performance with his trumpet though. Scott said all he hears are the drums. Scott said he tried to keep the beat without getting fancy. He said the more fancy he got the more off beat he would get.
Sal asked how long he was playing the drums for. Scott said he's been playing since he was 10. He said he played in bands until he was in his 20s. He said he didn't play for another 20 years after that. Scott said he never wanted to be a professional drummer. Scott said his career was to be an audio engineer so he put all of his efforts into that. Sal told him to go back to drumming. Scott told Sal to go back to stock brokering.
Sal said the thing that pisses him off is that Scott didn't even go in and try. He said it could have been great if he had gone in and tried to kick some ass. He said he did nothing. Scott said it was a losing battle.
Benjy said that Scott is right thinking the way he did. He said it was a losing battle. Gary said that Scott isn't that kind of guy to come in and kick ass. Scott said it's been very long since he played. He said time has passed since the Losers and it's been 10-15 years since he played. He said he needs practice.
Jon said if Scott sat down and played he may have had his balls busted. He said he could have shown that he has the chops though. Jon said he could have ended up back in the band. He said it's a long shot though.
Benjy asked Scott if he wants to be in the band. Scott said he doesn't want to be in it. Sal said he could have stepped up his game if he had practiced. Scott said he wants to be taken seriously and they know around there that's not going to happen.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's not sure why they were cutting Sal down playing bass. He said he thought he was pretty good. The caller said he thinks there is a lot going on with Elisa that came to a head on Wednesday. He said he doesn't blame her for wanting to leave Benjy for not marrying her. He said he can see why Benjy wouldn't marry her though. He said she can be annoying at times. Gary asked what he thinks he should do. The caller said he thinks that Benjy may have to man up and walk away or come to the plate. Benjy said he loves Elisa and he would love to marry her. He said that's his dream. He said he is scared about doing it. He said there was a time in his life that monogamy bothered him. He said he doesn't feel the same about that now. He said being completely independent in your life is a big deal for him. He said he likes being with her and he struggles with this all the time.
Gary said if you want to be independent then you'll be alone. He said you can't get up whenever you want and do whatever you want. Benjy said it's tough. He said he loves being with her and he loves being partners with her. Jon said he thinks he's going to have the put up or shut up moment in his relationship. Gary said it's coming. Benjy said he thinks about getting married, having kids and then getting divorced but remaining a close couple.
Scott said that it is tough. He said he had one child and the older he gets the more he wishes he had a bigger family. He said it's nice to have a big family. He said things do change. Benjy said he has gone on web sites to see what their kids would look like. He said he can see them having kids together and it feels right to him. Gary said if he waits another 4 or 5 years it's going to be more work. He said if you wait longer you may not get to see your kids grow up and do what you want them to do.
Scott said he had his kid at 33 and that's normal today. He said going back he would have liked to have them in his 20s. He said you can go and have a life left when they've grown. Jon said they had kids in their 20s and they're not even 50 yet. He said that's the way to do it. Scott said Benjy is getting up there.
Benjy said his parents had him when they were in their late 30s. He said when you pass that age you do think about that. He said he thinks he'd be a good older parent.
Gary said he had Jackson when he was around the same age his father was when he had him. Gary said he thinks about when he was 12 and what he thought of his father and he can see his kids through his eyes. He said it helps in a way. They had to go to break after that.
Jon said he thinks having an attitude helps. He said that Sal played 3 or 4 songs that everyone recognized. He said that's a good idea in an audition. Sal said he also played songs that Howard would like. He said he wanted him to get a sense of his style. Jon asked if anyone knows who is in the band. Gary said he's not in but he's not out. He said he's back up. Gary said he thinks if they get a song that they rehears and they need someone for they may go to Sal.
Sal said whatever the song may be he'll break his ass to learn it. He said he can play the bass and he will practice and maybe it will work.
Benjy said he listened to that segment over and over. He said he thinks it's Howard, Fred, Richard, Elisa and himself. Benjy said that he thinks Sal could be in there but he didn't say it was definite yet. Sal said he'd like to be in it and he thinks he held his own. Jon told him to stop begging. Sal said he's really not.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Scott should have given it a shot. He said Howard seemed to be irritated and stopped people from playing. Gary said he thinks Howard was just treating it like an audition. They had to wow him quick or get out of the way. Jon said Howard has to move it along no matter who's up there.
Jon took another call from a guy who said Howard is the one who isn't very good. He said he should have had to have auditioned. Benjy said that would have been funny. He said it could be like a Kim Jong Un election. He said he could get 99 percent of the vote.
Jon took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said he thinks he should be part of the band to sing. Gary said he thinks he's wrong. Jeff said he doesn't. Gary said a lot of people think they're right when they're not. Gary said Jeff knows all the words and that's his plus. Jon said he has experience singing with many professionals. Gary said he has the whole history of Howard's music and they have to listen to Jeff do his song with Carly Simon. He said it's very entertaining but not really very good. Sal said he loves Jeff singing Margaritaville. He said maybe he could play the wooden fish or something. He said they could cut his arm off and play that. Jeff said that's not happening. Jeff said it doesn't matter what they think. He said it all depends on what Howard thinks. He said something to Gary trying to insult him and then hung up.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Howard loved the whole segment. He said he was singing along and just having a good time. He said he thinks he'll love the band. Jon said he felt he loved the whole segment too.
Jon asked Steve Brandano about his performance and how Howard hit him pretty hard. Steve said he should have known better than to play a slow song. He said he should have expected him to react the way he did. Gary said he likes Steve so much that he though he was doing him a favor letting him go second instead of last. Steve said he felt the same way. Benjy asked him how he thinks he did. Steve said no one was a dick to him on Twitter. He said they may be now but they were saying they were pretty hard on him in there. Steve said he hasn't had the balls to go back and listen to it. He said he doesn't know yet how he sounded. He said a lot of people say it wasn't that bad.
Jon took a call from Sour Shoes and said he wanted to have a conversation with him. Jon asked if he thinks he should have had an audition. Sour said he did. Jon said he might be the most talented musician they know. Gary said if you're in Howard's band you have to have discipline. Sour laughed. He started playing a song and talking in that goofy voice of his. Sour did his Gary impression and played a song to see if Gary could guess who it was. Gary knew it was the Pet Shop Boys. Jon said that's not the right song to audition with. He asked what song he would audition with. Sour was doing his Gary impression and said it should be the Electric Light Orchestra. He played a song and did his impression of Gary and I think he snuck in a Scott the Engineer impression in there too. Jon thanked Sour for the call and went to break.
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Jon took a call from a guy who asked what Benjy was playing in the audition. Jon said it's called a Shofar. The caller thought it sounded like Gary playing trumpet.
Jon asked Gary how long he thinks Howard's band could last. Gary said he's not sure what he means. Gary said he's unsure. He said it depends on how long people can take long rehearsals and how long Howard can stand being in the band.
Gary said the bands that they had in the competitions over the years complained that they were fixed. Gary said he's gone back and listened to them and The Losers beat them legitimately. He said the other bands they played against just sucked. He said Tina Yothers looked like she got punched in the face when she lost. He said Corey Feldman still complains to this day about losing to them.
Jon said out of all of the auditioners they all have chops and they can all really play. Gary said they really need to be able to play well to beat 30 Seconds to Mars.
Sal said he thinks that they should do a song with Billy Joel at the Garden in May. He said they are doing it for Bianca's Furry Friends and they should do that. Jon said Richard and Sal are both lobbying for that. Gary said he thinks Howard is just looking to have fun. He said he doesn't think he has any chance of making it big with a band. He said there was a time when The Backside Boys thought about doing a concert but that didn't happen.
Sal said he thinks Howard and Billy Joel doing a medley would be great. Gary said Howard wouldn't need the other guys then. Sal said Billy needs a back up band so he could play bass. Gary said Billy doesn't need a back up band. Sal said he can see this band doing something like that.
Jon said Sal has gone from wondering if he's in the band to playing for Billy Joel. Jon said that the guys are going to push and push for this to happen. Sal said he loves Billy Joel and of course Howard. He said that it would be awesome to be able to do this.
Gary asked Sal about who he wouldn't want to open for. Sal said Gloria Estefan. Sal said he's sure Gary has someone he never liked. Gary said he doesn't like George Thorogood. Sal said he gets that. Jon said he had no idea Sal had this hatred for the Miami Sound Machine. Sal said he had a friend who played their album once and he threw the tape out the window. Gary asked if there is any Spanish music he does like. Sal said he loves the Gypsy Kings and Ritchie Valens. He said there's a lot of Spanish stuff he likes. Jon asked him what his hatred of the Miami Sound Machine is. Sal said there's just something about them that he doesn't like. He said he likes Gloria and he'd bang her but he doesn't dig that music. He said he did feel sorry for her when she was in that accident and was injured. They spent a little longer on that and then ended the show after everyone got in their plugs. They were done around 11:15am.