|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Tradio Calls. 05/05/09. 6:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: A Mark the Bagger prank call to a muffler repair shop, a Baba Booey song parody to the tune of the Star Wars theme music, Third Eye Blind performing ''Graduate'' live in the Howard Stern Show studio.
Howard started the show doing his Tradio announcer impression. Howard said that they have to get that guy on the show. They talked about how he must be one of those religious guys. Howard kept doing that ''Tradiooooo'' voice and did the guy's voice for a couple of minutes. Artie said he must have some singing voice.
Howard played some of the prank calls that Sal and Richard made to the Tradio show. He had one where Sal called in with some things to sell like gold teeth from Auschwitz. The host just says ''okay'' when he mentions what he has for sale.
Howard said you know that guy is zoned out when he doesn't even react to anything those guys are saying. Howard said there was a Saturday Night Live bit that was kind of like that years ago. they had a radio guy who just said ''Uh huh'' to everything the callers would say.
Howard played more of the prank calls Sal and Richard made to the show. They had Richard crumpling paper trying to figure out what year motorcycle his grandson was trying to sell. He kept that paper crumpling for a couple of minutes. Then Richard started to crack up at his own prank call and wasn't able to keep it going.
Artie said that the stuff that Sal was saying to him was nuts. He was talking about a bottle of urine he was trying to sell. Artie said that those were some great calls.
Star Trek Movie Reviews. 05/05/09. 6:05am
Howard said that he had to yell at Sal today. He said he's such a turd and a douche bag. Howard said that every time he tries to love him he can't. Howard said that he and Beth had that fight that he talked about yesterday. Beth didn't hear the show yesterday and he was out all day and didn't get home until about 5:30. He said they went to a screening of Star Trek in the afternoon. He said that it got a 5 star rating in the paper and he thinks that they ran out of stars. Howard said that it may have been the greatest Sci-Fi movie ever.
Howard said he wasn't going to get sidetracked but he ended up doing it anyway. Howard said that the franchise was kind of getting bad so with this one they went back in time. Howard said the movie is amazing and the special effects are breathtaking. Howard said that there wasn't a slow moment in the movie at all and the old fans are going to love it. Howard said that it's like the best episode ever form the old show but even non-fans will like it.
Howard said the movie is going to make so much money. He told JJ Abrams to just stick with the franchise. He said that George Lucas wasn't able to do with Star Wars what JJ Abrams was able to do with this movie.
Robin said that they had such a great time seeing the movie because you felt great just walking out of it. She said that it was amazing as well. Howard said that everyone loved the movie that he spoke to. Ralph loved it. Howard said he's going to see it a few more times.
Howard and Robin said that Eric Bana was the villain in the movie and he was great in that part. Howard said the whole cast was great. Howard had no idea they could take that series and make it a hit again. Howard said the guy who plays Kirk is great and so is the guy from Heroes. Howard said that the guy playing Sulu is cool too. Leonard Nimoy has a big part in it as well and he was great in that part.
Gary said he saw the movie too and he's not a fan of the series. Gary said he's never even seen the past movies. Gary said he hated the old cast but the new cast is amazing and it all made sense to him even though he didn't know much about the old series. Gary said that there was probably a level over his head that didn't make sense but he still loved the movie. Gary said there were some things in the movie that didn't make sense but it was still a great movie.
Howard said the kid who plays James T. Kirk should be doing conventions and Priceline commercials. Robin said his name is Chris Pine. Howard said that he can imagine him at those conventions and cruises. Gary said the chick who plays Uhura is gorgeous and he wasn't able to take his eyes off of her.
Sal Screws Up Again. 05/05/09. 6:20am
Artie said he loves that Howard was going to yell at Sal and then spent 20 minutes talking about this movie. He said that Sal has to be back in the office freaking out. Howard said that Sal is an asshole and he just can't do the right thing. Howard said he wanted to slap Sal yesterday.
Howard said he and Beth had their first fight over the weekend about her book. Howard said he got a note from Beth apologizing to him and he had to apologize to her as well. He said that she was frustrated with the book and this stuff was eating away at him. He ended up telling her about how he was feeling that they had their first fight like that.
Howard said he and Beth were writing notes back and forth all day and they were okay. Howard said that she asked if he wanted a divorce in a joking way. He said that they were all good by the time he got home. Howard said they kissed hello and he sent a note to JJ about the movie and all of that.
Howard said that he and Beth went to dinner and they were doing just fine. Howard said Beth had her phone with her and she was waiting for some text message. Then she got a text from Sal. Howard said Sal sent Beth an e-mail late in the day after they had forgotten about the whole fight. Howard said it was all over by that time. Beth didn't hear anything on the radio at all.
Howard said the note that Sal sent told Beth that they had discussed that whole thing on the air. Sal said he was sorry to hear about the ''save option'' story. Sal told Beth how that had happened to him one time and he gave her some advice on how to remind yourself how to save. Howard said that his head was steaming hot because Sal had sent her this note. Howard said Beth didn't even know that he had discussed it on the air until she got this note.
Howard said he and Beth both got angry. Howard said that Sal didn't even hear what he said on the air properly. Howard said the save function didn't work and it wasn't even Beth's fault. Howard said that Sal is such an idiot that he was saying that it was Beth who did it but it was actually his fault and he was telling Beth that it was his fault by doing that.
Sal said he was just trying to be nice. Howard told him to stay out of his life. He told Sal not to email his wife and to email him instead. Howard said that he'll just delete the email when he sends it to him.
Howard said Beth pointed out that Sal is trying to help her out after he was the one making jokes about her in comedy clubs. Howard said Sal is retarded. He told Sal that the save didn't work because this document was embedded in a Lotus Notes thing.
Howard was yelling at Sal and told him that they hit Save 50 times and it didn't save. He said that Sal has to stay out of his life and leave them alone. Robin told Sal it's none of his business to write about this stuff. Sal said he's the only one that cares then. Howard said he got notes from other people but they all sent their notes to him, not to Beth.
Howard said that he doesn't write to Sal's wife. He said it's none of his business. Howard told Sal that he didn't even listen to what he said on the air yesterday. Sal said he was working and didn't understand it. Howard told him to just stay out of his life.
Robin was going off on Sal as well so he shot back at her about how he was just trying to save their marriage and Robin wasn't doing anything to help. Robin told Sal to look at who is giving someone marriage advice. Sal said he's seeing the early signs of a marriage in trouble.
Howard told Sal to write a post-it note on his computer that says ''save his marriage'' like he was telling Beth to do with the note to save. Howard said that he tried to save the document and it didn't work, that's what they ended up fighting about.
Robin asked what human being doesn't know that this is real life and you don't send a note like that. Robin said that's a Sal thing right there. Howard said he's trying to get tight with Beth so he can eventually hang out with her and then both of them. Howard said that Sal is off the show if he does something like that again.
Howard read Sal's note again and pointed out his ''helpful tip'' for putting a post-it note on his computer so she remembers to save. Howard went off on him and goofed on him a little more.
Bobo's Mullet Cut Off. 05/05/09. 6:30am
Bobo called in and asked if he and Beth had great make up sex. Howard said they actually did. Howard said it was good that he had jerked off the night before because he lasted longer. Howard said the make up sex really was great because she seemed to be more into it than usual. Howard said he really liked it and ''plowed in.'' Howard said he got good sleep and he's well rested now.
Howard said that things worked out well last night. He said that Beth wouldn't have cared much about the Star Trek movie. He said he told her to go see it anyway even though she might not care that much about it.
Howard said he addressed the crowd at the movie and gave them the Vulcan sign before the movie came on. Robin said she can't do that without moving her fingers with her other hand.
Bobo mentioned that he was at Artie's show on Friday night so they ended up talking about that. Bobo thanked Artie for hanging out with him. Artie said that Bobo cut his mullet off. Artie said he was there at the show with his lovely wife.
Artie said that he did this show and it was in the round so it was kind of strange. Howard said those shows must be weird but everyone gets a front view at one point. Howard said that it must be really weird to do that. Artie said that he has some physical stuff he does that he has to show the audience and he feels that he has to move around to show the whole audience.
Howard asked if there is anywhere else that they still build theaters in the round. Artie said he's done Westbury a couple of times but there are some up in Massachusetts that are in the round. Artie said that he did one show with Bob Schimmel up in one of those places and Bob almost got bitten by a brown recluse spider. Artie said that there were people yelling at Schimmel that he had the spider on his neck. Artie said that if he had gotten bitten he would have had about 20 minutes to get him to the hospital.
Howard said that Gary got a call from Bob Schimmel's manager and he was saying that he wasn't very supportive of Bob when he was reading the story about his arrest. Howard said he got pissed when he heard that. Howard said he thinks that Bob is a great comic but he really doesn't know him that well personally. Artie said that he really is a great comedian.
Gary said that Lee was kind of upset with him about not saying ''allegedly'' in the discussion. Gary actually sent him the tape and said that Howard did say allegedly and he kind of brushed that off. Howard said he wanted to find out what was going on with Schimmel and they've been very supportive of the guy in the past. Howard said he got kind of bummed out when he heard that.
Howard said he can't ignore the story. Artie said the manager should know better. Howard said that he can't just say ''she deserved it... allegedly'' when he's reading about the story. Howard said he wants Bob to come on and tell them what happened. Gary said that they're saying that everything isn't as it appears. Howard said he believes that and they'll eventually hear about it. Artie said that it should be a great appearance when he does come back on. Hopefully he won't listen to his lawyer about not talking about it and he will come on.
Bobo told Howard that his students were taking snippets of his hair while he was driving in his class and he had to cut it off to make that stop.
Howard said he remembers the driving instructor in his school and how he had to kiss ass so bad to make sure he passed the class. Howard said that license meant freedom for him. Howard said that the students doing that stuff to him is really messed up.
Howard said that shows a total lack of respect and it must show that Bobo is such a boob that they don't care about him. Howard said he's like ''Boobo.'' Howard said that he should have threatened to fail the kids instead. Bobo said that he figured cutting the hair off was a better idea. Howard said that was kind of retarded of him. Howard said he would just flunk the kids.
Howard said if he was in that position he would just fail kids if they did stuff like that and they'd be scared of him. Howard said that Bobo must have known which kids were doing it and should have pointed them out. Howard said he would have done that and he would have warned them that if they didn't stop they'd flunk. Howard said he'd give them a 0.0 grade and tell them that he was going to give the other teachers a note about what they did and how they should flunk. Howard said the kids would cry and he'd just tell them to go kill themselves. Robin said that might be a little much. Howard said that might be a little extreme and told Bobo not to do that.
Howard said Bobo is the guy in power. Bobo said he does get back at the kids but he just takes driving time away from them. He said that he'll delay them getting their license. Howard said that Bobo didn't cut his mullet off because it looked bad, he just cut it off because kids were putting stuff in it. Howard talked about how bad his hair looks with the mullet and the awful wig he wears.
Howard's Porn Stash And Old Bachelor Pad. 05/05/09. 6:45am
Howard said that he was going through his mail and Gary had put a video that Savanna Samson has put out. Howard said that she really turns him on and he likes her stuff. Howard said she puts out some good stuff to because she just gets fucked and doesn't try to make artsy movies. Howard said that Jenna Jameson used to do stuff like that to make it artsy.
Howard said this new movie is an anal film and he was going to use it the next time he has to jerk off. Howard said he showed the movie to Beth and showed her the video. He had left it on his desk and wondered where to put it this morning. He has thrown most of that stuff out so he didn't know where to put it. Howard said he found a place for it but he was afraid that his daughters were going to find it when they came over. Howard said that would be the worst.
Howard said he's so consumed with the whole porno thing. He said that he used to have a locked cabinet for stuff like that. Howard said in the old apartment he had a book shelf that had a false back with a sliding panel so he could hide his 500 porn movies in there. Howard said that was kind of creepy. Howard said he didn't have that panel built into the new apartment.
Howard said in his old apartment he had a hot tub and a nice bed in his bedroom that looked out over the city. Howard said that's where he would seduce women when he was a bachelor. Howard said that he pictured that being a lot of fun.
Howard said he finished that apartment and he asked a chick if she wanted to get into the tub one tonight. Howard said he had to fill that tub first. He said he figure she was going to see him naked and it was going to be horrible. Then he started to fill the tub and it was taking hours to fill. Howard said it finally got full and the mood was broken. Howard said he forgot to build stairs into the tub so he had to get nude and climb in there. Howard said he had a cellulite ass and a tiny penis. He had to spread his legs to get into the tub so it was a nightmare.
Howard said he only used the tub twice after that. He said he eventually got rid of it. He said he never took baths and figured that chicks did. Howard said Beth didn't want to use it because it was way too big. He said they went in it once after they started dating but that was it. He said she looked good in the tub but getting in it himself was a nightmare.
Howard said he was shivering in the tub because it wasn't warm. Howard said it was just stupid. He said that his balls were out on display and it was just dumb. Howard said that he shouldn't plan an apartment by himself. He said his ideas for the whole thing were just not working.
Howard said he had a round shower in the apartment and that was another awful idea. He said it was like performing in the round. He said it was unbelievable. Howard said he was finally the bachelor who got to design his apartment and it was a complete waste.
Howard said he had a prison toilet, made of stainless steel, installed in his apartment. He said they put that in and he went to use it the first time. There was no seat on it. He said the guy told him that they don't make seats for them because the prisoners will use the seats to beat each other. Howard said that they had to go out and buy a seat for it and he had to search all over for him. They found a seat but it was a regular plastic seat on it.
Artie said he's used a prison toilet twice now, one in Howard's apartment and once in prison. He told Howard that he's talked strippers into coming to his place and they take baths immediately. They're trying to clean up to fuck you. He said he didn't know that and one chick asked him what he was doing. He said she just wanted to clean up for him and told him to get out.
Howard said he had dreams of what to do in the apartment and they never worked out. Howard said that he did have Rebecca Romijn and John Stamos over one time and they all got into the tub at one point. Howard said it was kind of like a little pool. Howard said he got cold that night and started shaking. Howard said he ended up hopping out and going to bed because he was tired and cold. He left Beth in the tub with John Stamos and Rebecca. Artie laughed his ass off when he heard that. He said that Howard was in a tub with 3 models.
Artie said that Howard invited him and Dana out one night. They all went out to dinner and he and Dana went around and checked out the apartment. they were thinking that they should have gotten into the tub but thought better of it. Artie said he liked the tub. Howard said it's just not practical.
Howard said someone told him that you have to hire someone to fill the tub for him. Howard said he'd have to hire a lifeguard too.
Artie said he heard that Elton John has florists on the ready to bring flowers to places for him because he's so into flowers. Howard said that the guy almost went bankrupt from doing that kind of stuff.
Robin said she has a friend who is in that business and she had a king who ordered a ton of stuff like that she had some wild stories about what they did for that guy.
Howard said he learned his lesson about all of that bachelor pad stuff. Now their remodeling and straightening out all of that stuff. They're still in the middle of all of that. Howard said that the contractor had to have a meeting about it because it's going on longer than they expected.
Howard said he's going for the basic stuff now. He still has an office to work at. Howard said he has a whole hang up with desks and he loves to sit at them. Howard said he has a nice desk with a computer on it. He has his letter opener on his desk and things like that. He said he feels important when he's sitting there doing that stuff.
Howard said he has a TV in the room and watches his shows in there. Howard said he has a big picture of himself with Paul Giamatti from ''Private Parts'' and a big, giant cover of MAD Magazine where he was on the cover. Howard said that's his favorite thing from his career. Howard said he had a picture of him and Mayor Koch that he loves. He said he has a picture of his dad working at his recording studio when he was a young man. He also has a picture of his great grandfather. He said his cousin took that one years ago. Howard said he had Artie's Neil Young picture in there but he took that down. He also has a Rolling Stone cover hanging up too. Howard said he's proud of that stuff.
Howard said he even has his awards hanging in there. He said he's proud of a lot of that stuff that he's gotten over the years. Howard said that one of his awards broke and he's not sure how to get it fixed. Robin said he could probably get it fixed. Howard said he wanted the fist that he had in the studio but he thought it was something that the TV guys had made. Robin said that Ralph designed it and she had it made. Howard told Gary to wrap it up for him so he can take it home with him today.
Howard said he once got a cigar box with all of their faces painted on it. Howard said he keeps that in his office as well.
Artie talked about some of the stuff that the fans have sent to him as well. He said he's gotten some pictures and stuff. Howard said he's gotten stuff like that too and he loves them as well.
Howard said you have to embrace the home office thing and just enjoy it. Artie said that Mitch Hedberg had a joke about how he'd lay in bed and come up with a joke but he was too lazy to get up so he'd spend the whole night trying to convince himself that it wasn't that funny. Artie said he writes jokes down on napkins when he's in bed. Then he puts them into his joke journal.
Artie said that he was at an award show the other night and met Rip Torn there. Artie said that he was so nervous there and he's very intimidating. Howard said he did a scene with him on the Larry Sanders show. Artie said he was very friendly that night.
Artie said he got a gift bag at that event and he got a laptop in the bag. Howard said he got about 3000 emails from fans asking for the laptop. Howard said that it's Artie's laptop though so he's not going to give it up. Artie said he's going to try and learn how to use it. They had to break after that.
KC's Adventure With High Pitch Erik. 4/2/01. 7:00am
Howard didn't let the guys get to their whole story but he had High Pitch Erik on the phone and KC in the studio. Howard gave High Pitch this trip to the Final Four with KC over the weekend. The two of them flew out to Minneapolis together and spent too much time together. KC said that Erik's breath was horrible on the flight and he kept asking for coffee from the flight attendant. He said he later learned that Erik drinks about 15 cups of coffee. Erik said he had a great time with KC but KC hated the whole weekend.
Craig Gass said that he got a nice e-mail from Erik recently so he e-mailed him back and thanked him for it. He said after he did that Erik wanted to know if he could get him on the show to meet him. Craig then knew that Erik was a little wacky.
50 Cent Visits. 09/06/05. 8:35am
Howard said that 50 Cent was coming in and there was some controversy about whether or not Ronnie would search him or not. 50 came in and said that he was being treated differently and he's sure they don't treat Britney the same way. Howard asked 50 what happened the last time he was supposed to be there, just about 2 weeks ago. 50 said that his posse was in jail and they had to bail them out. He said that they had about 10 guys in their truck as they were leaving a concert and they got pulled over. 50 said that he wasn't carrying a weapon himself, it was some guys in his crew. Howard said that they have to carry weapons to protect 50 and they should just tell the cops that. Howard also thought that there were some guys who were going to jump them when they left Hot 97 at some point. Howard heard that 50 was ready to beat up Fat Joe the other night at the MTV Video Music Awards because of a joke he cracked about 50 Cent and his crew. Howard had some audio from that and was going to play it. Gary came in and said it was just a joke but Howard kind of advised him not to say that in front of 50. Gary also told Howard that the last time 50 was on the show they got a call from the New York City gang unit asking them what time he was supposed to be on the show. They were just keeping an eye on things. Howard heard that Fat Joe's people were gone by the time 50 wanted to find them.
Howard read that 50 Cent is banging so many chicks that it's been in the news. He apparently has a box of condoms for all of the white, blonde chicks that want to bang him after his shows. 50 said that there are a lot of women around him and he likes woman so that's what goes on. Howard asked him how many women he's been with after a concert. He said there was one time he was with 4 women at one time but that was back when he first started out. He said he was surprised when that happened because he couldn't believe they all wanted him. Howard and Robin were asking him about the details of what went on. 50 said he had all four women at one time and it was easier that way. 50 Cent said that you can get people to do all kinds of things when something like that goes down. He said that he joins in once things get going. He said now he's calmed down and doesn't do that kind of thing anymore. He said he doesn't have to do anything special to find chicks and keep dating them. Howard talked about how hot chicks dress at concerts like that and how they're looking to get in there with the star of the show. Robin told him he has to be careful doing stuff like that because the girls could be underage or something like that. Howard said that they probably have people checking IDs before he sleeps with them.
Howard asked 50 about Eminem who has been in rehab for sleeping pills. He seems to think that's kind of lame but 50 said that he was doing shows and then flying home every night so he could be there when his daughter wakes up in the morning. Howard also asked 50 about the farm he bought up in Connecticut which was owned by Mike Tyson at one time. 50 said he doesn't have much time to spend up there but he has held a bar-b-que up there. Howard was invited to that but he couldn't make it.
Howard brought up 50's new book ''From Pieces to Weight : Once Upon a Time in Southside Queens'' which is out now and he's got a movie coming out soon too. 50 said he did great in the movie. That led to Howard suggesting that 50 get some famous white women so he can piss off some people. Howard said he likes when 50 gets out there and pisses off people and talks about them on the air or on the MTV awards. People like Fat Joe and others. 50 said that he has a lot of fans around the world and a lot of people are jealous of that. The book he wrote is about his life and what he's gone through. He said they talk about his days selling crack and stuff like that. Howard heard that he's had a lot of bad things happen to him in his life. His aunt poisoned his dog at one point. She put some roach spray on the floor and the dog licked it up and died. His mother was only 15 when she gave birth to him so he ended up being raised by his grand parents. Howard asked him about the reasons for being pissed at P. Diddy for changing his name to Diddy. 50 said he didn't say that, someone made that up.
King of All Blacks called in and asked when another album was coming out. 50 said it would be out soon and there's a new DVD out today as well. King was also asking some questions about Diddy and what 50 thought about the way he handled the MTV awards. King said he thought it was horrible and Diddy was acting like he's still famous, like it was 1998 or something. King said you know it's over when you see Sean Jean in Target stores. 50 Cent said he has a clothing line out now too though. Howard asked 50 about what kind of money he can make selling crack. 50 said he could make some pretty good money back then and easily make $100,000 a year. 50 claims that he never used the drugs and still doesn't. King wondered how 50 stays in shape the way he does. 50 said that he does push-ups and sit-ups. Richard Christy came in and said that he does look awesome on the cover of his new album and wondered how he gets that definition since he's never been able to do that. 50 said that he doesn't drink (alcohol) either so King was surprised to hear that. Howard gave 50 a plug for his book and for his album ''The Massacre'' which is a re-release. Howard took a call from a guy who asked 50 if he had anything to do with the Suge Knight shooting the night before the MTV awards. 50 said he wasn't even in the same area. Howard heard that Suge may have shot himself in the leg. 50 has been shot so he knows about what that's like. He talks about that in his book too. He said there is only 1 picture from that shooting in the book. Howard said it sounds like he's doing pretty good now though and he's getting laid. He asked 50 who his friends are and who he's hanging out with. 50 said he's been hanging out with Jamie Foxx and Eminem. Howard told 50 to tell Jamie to give up on the rap career because it's just not going to happen.
Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and asked him to give his best to Eminem who is already over at SIRIUS and has his own channel there. 50 said he does Eminem's show over there and saw Howard's new studio. Howard said he's afraid to go down to the studio because they have all of the windows covered up with curtains. Howard said he peeked in under the curtains and five guys came out ready to kick his ass. Artie asked him when the G-Unit hour airs. 50 said it's on Saturday so he said he might have to tune in to hear it. Howard asked 50 what he thinks he's worth these days. 50 was saying that he's probably worth over $100 million at this point. He said he keeps renegotiating his deals so he's always raising that up. He said his attorney's are great and they're known as the Jew-Unit. Howard asked 50 who the best piece of ass he ever had was. He couldn't remember her name but she was a Hispanic chick. He said it may just be his memory and it may not have been as great as he remembers it. That led to Howard talking about the women he's been with and how he thinks about them when he's by himself pleasuring himself. The delay hits were multiple at this point. Howard wrapped up a short time later and gave 50 some plugs for his book and CD. He also gave him a plug for Tony Yayo's CD ''Thoughts of a Predicate Felon'' since he's on 50's record label. They went to break a short time after that.
FWR3: Robin Has A Picture Of Herself - March 5, 1993. 05/28/12. 10:05am
Next on Fight Week they played a segment from 1993 when Howard and the guys talked about Robin having a picture of herself hanging in her house.
In the clip Howard was giving Jackie his plugs when Billy West started doing an impression of Jackie making all of his goofy laughs and other noises. Howard let him go for a minute and then got to the story about Mickey Rourke calling him personally yesterday. Howard said that was after they did the Howard and Robin post game show. Howard said they have to stop doing that. Howard said after the show he, Jackie and Fred have to start writing. He said they usually race to the bathroom after the show. Howard said he runs to his office and gnaws on his food. He said he and Robin eat back there together. Howard said Robin sits across from him while they eat. Howard said they like eating together back there.
Howard said you have to see the routine back there. He said Gary comes back and shares some stuff with them. He has tapes and faxes and stuff. Howard said Gary had a mystery guest who he forgot about. He goofed on Gary about that. Jackie said yesterday was the best. He said Gary was talking and they had all of the drawings of him hanging behind him. Howard said they have all of these cartoon drawings of Gary hanging in there. Howard said he, Jackie and Fred drew them all. Billy hasn't drawn any. Howard said the whole wall is pictures of Gary and Dan Forman, their old TV producer.
Howard said Gary was sitting there and behind him were all pictures of him. He said he started laughing at him because the pictures all look like him. He said they had the teeth and the lips and everything. Howard said he should take a picture of that and put it in his book.
Gary said he noticed the laughing about 7-8 lines into his story. He said he noticed they were laughing. Howard said it was funny that he was sitting there with the pictures behind him.
Howard said Jackie drew one picture where his mole is now the door stop on the wall. Gary said some of them do make him laugh. Howard said they end up talking about the wall when they're in there. Billy said his favorite is the one where Jackie drew Gary's teeth as a long highway looking thing and then Gary's head is just a pin sized thing at the end.
Jackie said they used to draw Dan as he was talking to them on the speakerphone. Jackie said Dan would get really mad at them and they'd draw lightning bolts in the pictures. Howard said they would draw lightning bolts n paper and when Dan would get worked up they'd take the bolt, put it next to the phone and shake it back and forth.
Howard said they'd get embarrassed by the whole thing because they're so old and they're still doing this stuff. Gary said it is weird for him to have something like that going on.
Howard said the greatest picture up there is one that Jackie did. He said the one called Mrs. Dan Forman is the one that's the best. Howard said it's a picture of Dan with a picture ripped out of a porno magazine. They ripped out a woman's vagina and put it on Dan. Gary said someone said that's the grossest picture in the whole building.
Gary said he thinks the one that's funny is the one Howard drew where it says ''Which is my ass and which is my elbow.''
Robin said the meeting they had yesterday was long because Jackie asks questions. Howard said Jackie always shows up late. Jackie said he has to make phone calls. Howard said Fred shows up really late, like a half hour later. Howard said they have to get right to work. Billy doesn't even show up anymore.
Howard asked Fred what he does that takes so long. Fred said he goes to the bathroom and then he clears out the studio. Howard said he doesn't even have to do that. Howard said Fred has to call his girlfriend after the show. He said they have like a 30 minute conversation. Howard said Gary should follow Fred and find out where he goes to make his call. Fred said he'll tell them where he goes. He said he goes to the bathroom and then goes back to the studio to clean up. He doesn't trust anyone to clean up his stuff. He said it never seems to get done. Fred said things get lost and he's tried that before. Fred said he makes a call home after that.
Robin asked what happened with Mickey Rourke. Howard said he was sitting back in the office and getting ready to leave. He said he heard Mickey was on the phone so he had to hear what was going on. Howard figured it wasn't really him. Howard said Gary got Mickey's assistant and Mickey was calling from a barber shop owned by Giuseppe Franco. Howard said Giuseppe was the assistant.
Howard said that Gary was trying to figure out if it was really Mikey or not. Gary said Mickey got on and said he was going to kick Howard's ass if he ever saw him again. Then he said he was just kidding around. Howard said he told Gary it sounded like him and he had to ask a Mickey Rourke question. Gary asked a few questions and it wasn't really working. Howard said Gary didn't know if it was the right answer or not when he'd ask questions.
Whenever Gary would talk Billy would do his Baba Booey voice and come up with a new name for him. He was just spitting out words that sounded like Baba Booey. Howard had Billy do an impression of the evolution of Baba Booey. Billy did the Baba Booey and worked his way through a bunch of others. Gary said it's on its way to being just ''Duh.'' They went to break a short time later.
After the edited out break Howard came back and talked about Mickey Rourke some more. Howard said they had a lot of inside jokes on the show today. He said the show is really stupid today. He said he can't get off of it. Howard said they were on the phone with Mickey and Gary was trying to fool the guy to find out if it was him or not.
Howard said Fred is mad at Robin for what she was saying about him earlier. Howard said Fred told them that he went to her apartment and in her living room hangs a picture of her. Robin laughed. Howard said the picture is as big as a wall. Howard said it's in her living room. Howard said he heard it's in a big, gold frame. Robin said it is and it's an accident. She said it's a photo.
Robin said she promised her parents a picture and she needed it blown up. She said she wanted it big and she asked her assistant to get her something like 11x14. She said she had a poster hanging on her wall and she asked for something like that. Robin said when the picture came back it turned out to be very large. Robin said she really liked it but it was huge. She said it's like a billboard down in Atlantic City.
Robin said she had a frame made for her and one for her parents. Robin said she hung it in her apartment. Howard said they might have to steal it. Howard said they need that in the studio. Howard said he heard when you walk in her apartment it's like Robin is saying ''Me!'' Robin said it's not lit. She said it's a funny thing. Gary said his cartoons are funny too. Howard said he's embarrassed for her. Robin said it's in her parent's living room and you can't escape it.
Howard said Jackie isn't much better. He has everything Jackie hanging on his own walls. Howard said it's all bad comedians standing next to Jackie. Gary said the best shot is one where Jackie has to pull the picture out of the frame to show about 1/3 of Eddie Murphy.
Howard asked Robin if she's embraced by it. Robin said you can't see it when you just walk in. Robin said you'd never see it if you just walked into her living room. Gary said she's right about that. He said if you're in the living room and you're not being monitored then you look around. Stuttering John said that you can't not see it when you go in her apartment.
Howard said all he knows is that Gary and Kathy are looking at the picture and nudging each other in the apartment while she's not looking.
Howard said he wants the picture for the office. Robin said she's not going to bring it in. She told him how big it is. Robin said she wanted to make a ''Now Appearing'' sign to hang under it.
Howard asked if this is the one where she's showing a ton of cleavage. Robin said that's not the one. She said it's a new one.
Howard said Robin hasn't spoken to her parents for like 20 years and the first thing she gives them is a giant picture of herself. They goofed on her about that for a little longer. Howard said he wants exact measurements of that thing. He said someone told him that she's going to give them wallet sized photos of the same picture.
Robin said she likes the picture and it's not like there's anyone else there to see it. Jackie asked why she didn't ask for something smaller instead of keeping the huge one. Robin said she didn't spend a lot of time thinking about it. Howard asked how long it's been on display. Robin said it's been maybe a year. Jackie asked if someone came in to hang it for her. Robin said someone did. Jackie asked if that person was giggling. Howard said Jackie is no better.
Howard said Dominic told him a story about the pictures in Jackie's house getting wet in a flood and he took them out and hung them on a clothes line in the back yard. Howard said Dominic told him it was the funniest thing he's ever seen. Jackie said he had his checkbooks hanging in the dining room to dry out. He said the rest of that story isn't true. Howard said he really has to take a break. He told Robin to take that picture down or get it set up so she can press a button and it disappears when people come over. They went to break a short time later.
Short Ronnie And Pete The Tourette Intern. 08/19/09. 10:05am
The short person discussion led to the guys talking about how short Ronnie is for a security guy. Ronnie came in and said that Shuli was giving him a hard time about his height and he's shorter than he is. Howard had the two of them take off their shoes so they could measure them. Shuli was giving Ronnie a hard time about his shoulder pads but that didn't raise his height.
Ronnie didn't want to be measured and said that he's like 5'7'' or 5'8'' tall or so. Sal said that he was two and a half feet. Ronnie got pissed at Sal for causing problems all the time in there.
Ronnie asked Benjy about his herpes so Benjy asked him if he'll get tested. Ronnie asked him what the fuck he's doing.
Sal got choked with the tape measure when he tried to measure him. Sal came up with 68 inches when he did measure him. Ronnie said that's what he said he was. Sal said that Ronnie is going to be 60 this year. Ronnie said that Sal is dead today. He said he doesn't lay off of him and he can't deal with his shit ''no more.'' Howard told him it's ''any more.'' Ronnie didn't care. He said that Sal never quits with him out in the hall.
Ronnie told Howard he should meet Scott's new intern Pete. He said he's going to love him. Howard said he saw him this morning. Howard asked Pete what's going on. Pete didn't know what was going on. Pete said that he's 34 years old and he's going to the Connecticut School of Broadcasting. Ronnie said he reminds him of an upstate hillbilly. Pete said he's from Jersey though.
Howard said he heard that Pete has Tourette syndrome. Pete said he has ticks but not the verbal part. Howard said he'd be a superstar if he had the cursing part. Ronnie said that he does have the good part of the Tourette. He said that he does grunt once in a while. Howard asked when he does it. Pete said it's involuntary so he doesn't know when it will happen.
The guys tried to get Pete to make his noises but it wasn't working. They had him writing stuff down but it wasn't happening. Ronnie said that Pete writes like a mess so he wanted Howard to see that too. Howard said it was nice to meet Pete. Ronnie said he's a good guy too and he really likes him.
It turns out Pete is 34 and he hasn't gotten laid yet. Howard told him to go talk to JD because he's in the same boat. Pete said that the Tourette gets in the way.
Pete said he's kissed girls but they date him like one time and then he never hears from them again. He said the Tourette thing gets in the way.
Pete is on medication so Howard told him that maybe he should get off of that and maybe he'd make more noises. Pete said that he would. Howard said they might have some work for him there if that's the case. Howard said if he were a girl he'd go out with him. Unfortunately he's not a chick. Pete said that this one chick he went out with a month ago gave him a bum number so he wasn't able to call her back.
Howard told Pete that he's on his radar and he'll keep his eye on him. He told him he can go back to working with Scott. He said he's going to try and get this guy laid. He wondered where they find these guys.
Artie said that he went to that same school but he only went because it was court ordered. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon moved on to the segments they replayed today and said that they had the one called ''Sal Annoys Howard'' and that's where he emailed Beth to help her out with a computer problem. Jon said that's one of those times that he just did what he thought was right and he didn't know he was doing the wrong thing. Jon said that Sal is unaware of boundaries and that either makes you crazy or endears you to him.
Jon said in one way Sal is a complete innocent and a child but in another way he can be really annoying. He said Sal reached out to Beth in this way and it's classic Sal Governale. He played a clip of Howard reading the email Sal sent to Beth.
Jon said so many things were happening there. He said Sal went directly to Beth with his advice. He said that he goes into that stockbroker mode with the way he types or speaks and you can hear it. Steve said you can hear Sal in Howard's voice as he's reading it. Steve said that email was pretty condescending too.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he called in a couple of years ago when Jim Breuer was in and he complained about Jon using ''Hey Now!'' to open the show. He said he thinks that he changed the show forever. Jon said he has never used that to open the show. The caller insisted he did. Steve Brandano said he doesn't say it that much. Jon said he never says it because he doesn't want people to accuse him of being like Howard. Jon said he's sorry but his buddy just won the bet. The caller said Jon says Hey Now when he picks up the calls. Jon said he never does that either. He said he consciously doesn't do that. He said that's Howard's thing and he doesn't do that. Jon said it's very awkward to do it. The caller said it is awkward. Steve said that guy just fooled him into saying it like 5 times so he will be able to win that bet.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he heard Sal's interview with Beth on Sternthology. He said he thinks he did a better job than Benjy did. The caller also asked Jon if they have to stick up for Robin when people get on her about things. Jon said they don't have to. He also said he remembers that Sal interview and how that came about in the Win John's Job thing. He said Sal was really impressive that week. He said he voted for Sal in that contest. He said thankfully he got there. He said Benjy's was under a different circumstance. He said back then she was Howard's girlfriend and not his wife. He said they hadn't been together that long either.
Jon said Benjy got that detail out of Beth cheating on boyfriends and he didn't let it go. He said he thinks that's what Benjy's downfall was. He said Sal had a whole week of stuff to do back then so it was a different circumstance.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks it's just wrong to email someone's wife behind their back. Jon said he thinks he's right about that. He said he might send a happy birthday or something if he gets to know someone. He said when you're giving advice on a computer problem that's crossing a line. He said that Sal doesn't care about crossing lines though.
Steve said he shouldn't have even emailed Howard. He said he should have gone through Gary. Jon said the last thing you want to do is contact Howard's wife to suggest to use Post-It Notes on her computer when he shouldn't have even known the story to begin with. He said there are people who want to stick their nose in things and get involved. Jon said he thinks the intention was good but the execution was poor.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he is fascinated with the evolution of Sal. He said when he was a caller Howard seemed to like him. Then where did it go wrong for Sal? Jon said he doesn't think it has. He said he thinks Howard and Gary knew what they were going to get. Jon said he thinks that people go through a cycle on the show. He said that you get the spotlight on you for a while and then he'll move on to something else and that fades away. He said he thinks that they want to keep the light shining on them and that's what Sal craved. He said he is prone to make mistakes and he gets the attention he may not be looking for. Jon said he thinks that Sal does great work for the show and he wouldn't be there if he wasn't. He said he thinks Howard is very aware of him.
Steve said he feels like in the wedding Howard had to tell him he wasn't invited. He said that's a message. Jon said that was a blow to Sal but that didn't come out of nowhere. He said Sal can cross a line and not realize it and in that situation he paid a dear price for it. He said that he doesn't think Howard trusts a lot of people around there. He said that's the story with Sal and he hopes he cleared some stuff up for some people.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Jon does say ''Hey now!'' to people. He said he does say it sometimes. He said he doesn't want him to say it now but he does think that he says it. Jon said the question was if he opens the show with it and he never does. He said that's what they were saying. Jon said that if someone can show him an instance where he has said it then bring it on. They went to break after that.
Jon asked Steve if he was overreacting to that or was he okay asking if they could seat Pete somewhere else. Steve said that they talked about making him Gary's intern and he isn't sure how he could do that. Jon sad that Pete sat next to him and rattled paper and things next to him. He said he likes Pete but he does tend to hover quite a bit.
Steve said that this is one of those things that Ronnie tried to crowbar in. He said it worked out this time but he's tried other times to get him on. He said he got it in his head to get him in there and he really pushed it. Jon said he loves when people champion the cause like that. Jon said Scott just wanted to get Pete out of his office. He said he didn't care about any of that other stuff.
Jon took a call from a guy who brought up the ''hey now'' thing. He said that the only time he's ever heard him say it is if a caller says it to him first. Jon said he will try to say something like just ''hey'' and not that other thing. He said other people may do it.
Jon said today is his birthday. He said he was going to hold off on that until the end of the show but it's fascinating the way people do birthdays there. He said JD Harmeyer had texted him saying ''You're an asshole.'' He said JD was referring to last night in football because of their Fantasy Football League. He said JD was upset about the way things went. Jon said he didn't want to wake up to that but he later got a text from JD saying Happy birthday with the whole song.
Jon said with Howard's birthday you get him a gift and wish him a happy birthday. He said you can't always tell what he wants to do about it. He said you wonder if you should make a big deal out of other people's birthdays on the show. He said Ronnie likes it but not everyone does.
Steve said the anniversary thing is another thing. He said he thinks that they all mark it off. Steve said the former interns can say that September is their anniversary. Jon said he gets that. He said you should save it for the round numbers or the 5 and 10s.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Al Michaels interview was probably his most favorite ever. He said it must be in Jon's top 10. Jon said if you're a huge sports fan you do have to love it. He said he had so much great stuff that he brought up. He said Al is great on the show too. He said he's a superfan of the show and that makes it just that much better. He said he had read that Howard Cosell story in an article but it was great to hear him tell it on the air.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he looks forward to the Wrap Up Show as much as the Stern Show. He told them to keep it up. Jon said he appreciates that. They went to break after that.
Jon brought up Medicated Pete and asked Leiberman about him. Leiberman said that Pete is a great guy. He said that he spent some time with him down in Red Bank, New Jersey and he has a lot of people who know him down there.
Jon asked Leiberman about doing Leiberman Live with Pete. Leiberman said that he'll show up between 6 and 7 hours early to do the show. Leiberman said sometimes they have to send him out to get something to eat because they have nowhere to put him.
Jon asked Leiberman if he likes celebrating his birthday. Leiberman said he doesn't like it. He said he's getting older and he doesn't like to think about it. Leiberman said some people don't even tell their true age... like Benjy Bronk.
Jon said they also played the segment where they talked about Robin's self portrait. Jon played a clip of Howard talking about that. Jon said that Gary has stuff like that on a lot of people there. He said that was like a big bomb for him to drop that day.
Jon said that some of the guys were at Gary's house yesterday and there were some things that happened that could come up on the air. Jon asked Steve if he's mindful of that. Steve said that if he's at something Howard or Robin are at he's on his toes. He said Gary isn't going to be complaining about leaving a beer out or something.
Leiberman said his rule of thumb is that if they see it they're going to say it. Jon said when the light is on you then you want to get out of it any way you can. He said you want to shift things over and away from you. He said they've all done that.
Jon asked Leiberman if he has any portraits of himself in his home. Leiberman said he has some articles and things he's proud of but no portraits. Steve said he doesn't think that any of the guys there are like that. He said that he has pictures of himself with celebrities at home. He said the guys there must have those. Jon said he has some Jump the Shark stuff that he hangs. He said he has a poster from a book signing he did. He also has a Fast Food Mania poster that he had done. He said they were commercial jobs he did though so it's not a photo or portrait. Steve said he thinks it's the same thing. Jon said he thinks there's a line there. Steve said he has a few things hanging on his walls.
Jon took a call from a guy who wished Jon a Happy Birthday. The guy wished one to Steve too. Jon said it's only his birthday today. He said he hates sounding egotistical when it comes to that stuff though.
Jon said he does think differently of people who have painted portraits of themselves. He said he gets why Robin got what she did over that.
Jon said that he sees more and more of the digital photo frames of people and he enjoys those. Steve said he does too.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what his top 3 interviews were for this year. Jon said he thinks the Billy Joel Town Hall would be up there. He said he thinks the Letterman interview would be up there too. He said the Jon Stewart interview was great too. He said those would be his votes. Steve said he loved Amy Poehler and Bill Murray. Steve said his favorite performance on the show was Adam Levine doing that song from Begin Again. He said that was a great performance.
Jon had Jon Leiberman get in his Howard 100 News preview. Leiberman ran down a few stories they had coming up. He got in a plug for today's Leiberman Live as well. Jon Hein got in some plugs for today's Sternthology and ended the show around 11:15am.
Howard Reads Some E-mail. 11/11/08. 6:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: Larry Pierce's ''She Licked My Scrotum'' song, Sal prank calls Paula Gloria's TV show with Crazy Alice audio clips, The Bee Gees perform ''To Love Somebody'' live on the Howard Stern Show.
Howard started off the show talking about how he has to curb his cursing. He said some people have been emailing about the cursing lately. He said he's just an angry, cursing man.
Howard read through some e-mail and said that the sales of Mambo cologne are taking off since Ronnie mentioned it. The guy said that he went on amazon.com to buy Artie's book, ''Too Fat To Fish,'' and they suggested buying Mambo saying that other people who bought Artie's book bought that too.
Howard read some mail about some stuff that Artie got wrong about the Knicks when he was talking about them yesterday.
Howard read some mail about Eric the Midget and how this one guy turns off the radio when he calls in. Howard said he likes Eric when he calls in. The controversy continues. Artie said that Eric's feelings don't seem to get hurt when people say that stuff.
Howard read some mail about Richard Christy and his bad hygiene. There were a few about him from people who think he's a pig and he should be tested for infectious disease.
There were also some people talking about Artie telling everyone how much he's making at his comedy shows in this down economy. Someone said that Artie jumped the shark for complaining about only clearing $58,000 out of the $81,000 he made up in Canada. The writer said that he did that for half the show even though it was only about a minute he actually talked about it. Howard said Artie wasn't whining about it, he was just pointing out they were withholding so much of it up there in Canada.
Howard said that Artie was saying that it would suck if they took so much money away from you if you won the lottery up there.
Howard said he got slammed on the Wrap Up Show yesterday about what he did at Jason's wedding and how he was being a hypocrite. Howard said that he probably would have thrown himself out of his own wedding if he did the same stuff there. He said he is a hypocrite. Howard read some of that e-mail and said that he actually kept Sal on a tight leash and didn't let him get out of hand.
Howard read about the use of the F-word on the show so much. The writer said they had to avoid the show at work because of the use of that word. Howard said that people should be working at work and not listening to the show there. He said you can't be doing any work if you're listening to the show. Howard said that if you're gardening or something that's probably fine. IF you're doing construction you might want to pay attention to your job.
Howard said that this e-mail really irked him. He was talking about the charity event where Richard Belzer backed out 15 minutes before the event was about to happen. He had his assistant call to cancel instead of calling himself. Howard said he heard that Belzer called Beth and apologized for not showing up and he was going to call him. He said that this e-mailer said that he thought the only reason he was upset was because it was going to upset Beth. Howard said that's not the case.
Howard said he would have been upset at any event if someone canceled at the last minute like that. He said that Beth was upset with Belzer too but that's understandable. Howard said the reason he was upset was because he was at the event himself. He said he doesn't get why people can't comprehend that kind of thing. He witnessed it first hand and that's why he was upset about it.
Howard said Belzer rubs him the wrong way because he's ''Mr.. crusader'' and always for the people on the outs but he's very arrogant. Robin said he did come in there and attack them on their views all the time.
Howard said someone told him that they saw Belzer on Monday night dancing at some event. How sick could he have been just a few days before? Howard said he's been sick and he still goes to work and does his show. He said the guy had to be pretty sick to cancel 15 minutes before.
Gary said that Belzer was doing his comedy show and came out dancing around to ''Start Me Up'' the night they were talking about. Howard said it upset him, and not even his wife, about Belzer not showing up.
Ralph's New Friend Sandra Bernhard. 11/11/08. 6:15am
Howard said that DJ and comedian Goumba Johnny is coming in today. He said he wants to hear about his roast that they heard about recently. He said that Sandra Bernhard is going to be stopping by too.
Robin said that Ralph is friends with Sandra now. Artie said he thought that Ralph was friendly with Natalie Maines. Howard said that they live in the same building and Ralph ended up meeting Sandra and told him how cool she was. Now he's friends with both of them.
Howard said Ralph works that whole celebrity thing like Kato Kalin did. He said that people love Ralph and he makes Kato look like a piker. Robin said Kato only had one guy who liked him, and that was OJ Simpson. Howard said OJ let him move into his pool house though.
Howard talked about Ralph hanging out with Sam Simon and how close he got to moving in and getting to go all over the place with him. He said he was living in his guest house but then Sam backed off and didn't let him stay. Artie said it would make him look kind of gay if he was paying the guy to be around all the time.
Howard said that Ralph was doing stuff for Sam and he's almost like a woman hanging around him. He said he is fun to be around though. Robin said he's always available too. Howard said he checks with him all the time when he's going to be going away. He wants to make sure he's not missing anything important.
Robin said that his work does get in the way sometimes. Howard said he does complain about having to work that one hour a week for him. He said he tried to go away for 2 weeks one time and he had to tell him he did mind him going for that long. Robin said that really bothers him too. Howard said Ralph does do good work and he does put a lot of stuff together for him. He said he works hard.
Did Fred Forget Will's Wedding Gift? 11/11/08. 6:20am
Howard played a clip from the Wrap Up Show where they talked about Fred not giving Will a gift for his wedding. Will mentioned that during last week's Wrap Up Show. Fred said that the gift is coming. He said he is going to go get the checks this week for Will and Jason but he hadn't had a chance yet. Fred said that there is a grace period of a year but some people don't know that.
Fred said that he's not upset with Will but he does feel that he's a bit of a douche bag. He said he didn't have to say anything about it on the show. Will came in and told Fred he doesn't have to give him a gift. He said he felt like he guilted him into it.
Howard asked Fred if he was guilted into it. Fred said he wasn't but he did say that Will has had other moments of douche baggery.
Will said that Fred forgot about his gift but Fred said that's not the case. Will said he thinks he did forget. Fred said he doesn't lie about that shit. Howard asked him to lay off the profanity.
Will asked how much the gift was going to be. Fred told him he wasn't going to tell him and told him to go fuck himself. Then Fred said he was going to get the two of them, Will and Jason, their gifts at the same time just to make things easy.
Fred told Will that he was going to give him the gift around this time and that's the truth. He said he didn't forget about it. Howard said he heard that Scott DePace just said he didn't get a gift. Gary said that Howard didn't get him a gift either. Howard said he didn't remember that. Both Howard and Fred apologized to Scott about that.
Howard said he always sends people a gift. Fred said that he's going to send Will's gift to DePace. Will said that he wants an apology from Fred for almost forgetting his wedding. Fred wasn't going to do that. Fred said he didn't forget so Will said he's obviously not getting what he wanted for his wedding.
Fred also revealed that he never writes his own checks. He said his accountant does that for him. Howard told him he should have his own check book and just write them when he needs to.
Howard said he got another note saying that Fred didn't give Doug Goodstein a gift either. Doug said he wasn't looking for a gift now. Fred said he didn't remember Scott getting married when he was working for them. Scott said it was 11 years ago so he was there.
Howard Lectures Sal About Credit Card Debt. 04/02/09. 6:30am
Howard had some audio clips of Sal talking about the financial problems he's been having lately. He said that it sounds like his wife just doesn't get that they have these problems. Howard played the clip where Sal talked about his wife wanting a Mercedes truck. Here's what I had in my write up from the Wrap Up Show yesterday:
Gary said that he tried to give Sal some advice and he's still not making any headway. Jon asked Sal if it's his wife spending the money. Sal said that he has a very simple lifestyle and he even stopped eating out because he was doing that a lot. Sal said that they don't eat out that much anymore. Now his wife wants a Mercedes SUV. Sal said that he looked up the truck in Consumer Reports and it was rated the worst. His wife still wants it even though he wants a Honda. He said that she insists on the Mercedes. He said that she said that if it breaks down she knows she'll be driving another Mercedes.
Jon told Sal that he has to put his foot down because he's the one with the money coming in. Gary said that his first priority is to pay off the credit cards. Sal said he has 6 or 7 of them now. Sal said that he had his card declined yesterday when he tried to spend 20 bucks upgrading his seat on Jet Blue.
Howard asked Sal if he gets what it's like to have credit cards outstanding like that. Sal said he knows. He said that there are some with 33 percent financing rates on them. Howard said he has to tell his wife that they're never going to get anywhere if they don't pay that down. Sal said that his truck broke down yesterday so he really has to get a new one now. He said that Wayne Segal is going to help him out with that.
Howard said that Christine doesn't get it. He said he's not sure that Sal gets it either. Sal said he does. He said that he owes about $55,000 right now on credit cards. Howard said that he's paying 33 percent on that money too. Fred sounded shocked when he was asked to figure out how much he's paying on that. Fred said that it might be $1,500 a month. Howard said that he thinks that it's about $18,000. He said that's just the interest. Howard said that he has to pay that off. Sal said he also has a home equity loan and he's going to refinance that so he can pay off all of this horse shit.
Sal said that he's the average American man. Howard said that he's really not. He said that Sal owes about $200,000 a year before he pays off the principle. Howard said that Sal has to give all of the money he makes at the comedy shows and pay off those bills. Sal said that his wife tells him that's what she's doing.
Howard asked Sal why he's not writing the checks for this stuff. Sal said he's too busy doing other stuff and can't be bothered. Howard told Sal that he owes it to his sons to get this under control and pay this shit off. He said that he has to take control of that stuff.
Howard told Sal that he's dumb. Sal said that he's not but Howard told him that he's paying $200,000 in interest alone. Robin said that Howard is right and she just figured it's $198,000 a year.
Howard went off on Sal telling him to get this under control. Sal said he has a financial planner coming to help him this week. Howard said that he can be his financial planner and he's free. Howard said that he can't believe that Sal lets his wife take care of the bills. Sal said he hopes that she's not out there just spending and not paying this stuff off.
Howard told Sal that he keeps himself like a baby and he wants someone to take care of him. He said that he's going to feel like a man when he stands up to his wife and takes over the finances. He said that he has to do this so he can pay for his kid's college. Sal said that's what he wants. Robin said that Sal wants an equal partner and that's not what he has. She said that he's ignoring the reality of this.
Howard told Sal that he has to get a hold of his finances. Sal said that he's working too hard to do that stuff on top of everything else. Howard said that he's retarded for letting all of this money go to the credit card companies.
Robin said that Sal spent all of that money on the expensive purse for his wife last year. Sal said that it's no different than Robin buying that $800 bottle of wine. Robin said that she and Howard can afford that.
Howard told Sal that he should be wearing a dress and shouldn't be called a father. Sal told him not to undermine him as a father. Howard said that he's going to and told him to wear that dress. He told Sal that he should have had those bills under control by now. Howard told him that he has to get all of those cards under control and get rid of that debt so they can raise their kids correctly.
Howard told Sal that his kids have two mothers and no father. Sal said that he's working his ass off to support those kids. Howard told him that he's not paying anything off.
Sal said that he's working very hard at paying that stuff off. Sal was trying to argue that this situation is kind of like Billy Joel's brother screwing up his finances. Howard said that Sal doesn't even know what his credit cards have on them and he's letting his wife take care of that stuff. He said that she obviously doesn't know that they can't afford this money.
Robin asked Sal if they know what they can spend and if they have a budget. Sal said that they spend it all. Howard said it can't be possible that he's spending $200,000 a year in interest. Artie showed up and said that it can't be that much. Howard said that it can't be that much but it has to be at least $20,000.
A caller told Howard that they were wrong about the math on the interest rate. Howard said that he was figuring it wrong and it was actually per year, not per month, so he's paying more like $20,000 a year instead of $200,000 a year. Artie said it was funny that Sal didn't even know what the right numbers were.
Howard told Sal that he doesn't make enough to be paying that kind of money on interest alone. Sal said that he's not sure what his wife is spending money on. He asked them to just stab him in the neck with a shovel.
Robin said that they do have to go to a financial planner so they know what they can spend money on. Fred said that they have to be a partnership because they're both adults. Howard said that Sal isn't feeding his family, he's feeding the credit card companies.
Sal said that his Land Rover is the biggest piece of shit. He said it breaks down almost every day. He said that she wanted that thing. He said that he had a Forerunner and it was great and his wife insisted on the Land Rover instead.
Howard interrupted Sal and said that he wears make up and asked him about that. Sal said that he did have Sephora on.
Sal's lawyer called in and said that they have to stop going off on Sal. They're going to work on getting him cleaned up next week. Howard said that this guy has to put on a dress when he gets that straightened out. Howard was telling Sal that he's not treating his family right by doing this. The lawyer told Howard that they're going to work all of this out next week.
Howard told the lawyer that there are men who are caught in the phase where they want everyone to be their mother. He said that Sal doesn't even have a check book. Howard said that makes him think that Sal is trying to turn his wife into Mommy so he can blame her for this stuff. Howard said that he has to take control over that and say that they can't afford to do this stuff. Howard said that this is a man who wears a dress.
Sal said that he knows that they got caught up in buying stuff and he knows that he has to get it under control. Howard told him to go out and get a check book and take over the credit cards. Howard told him to rip up the cards and start paying them off. He told him to pay off the principle and not just the interest.
The lawyer said that it sounds like he's making plenty of money and they should be able to get that paid down. Howard said that of course he should. Howard said Sal's money is going right out the window to the credit card companies.
Artie said that the credit card companies are evil. Howard said that they're not evil, it's the people who use them that don't know what they're doing. Howard said that he had to cut this short because his hero is there and he has to take a break before bringing him in.
The guys spent a little more time talking about Sal and the bind that he's in. Robin said that he's really stuck because he's trying to make his wife happy and he's not going to be able to say no to her about the Mercedes.
Howard told Artie that he looked good today, unlike what Lisa G said to him yesterday. Artie said he agrees with Lisa. They had to go to break after that.
Billionaire Richard Branson Comes In. 11/09/04. 7:30am
After the break Howard played another one of Sal the Stockbroker's prank phone calls. This one was with clips of High Pitch Erik doing his Kelly Clarkson impression. That led to Artie and Howard goofing on High Pitch for a couple of minutes. Howard said he's been practicing his ''Who's High Pitch'' lines and thought he had it down pretty well.
Richard Branson came in a short time later. Howard asked him what it's like to be a billionaire like he is. Richard started to speak and Howard said he forgot the guy had an accent. Richard told Howard that he was on his show about 10 years ago but Howard didn't remember that either. Howard said if he had the money that Richard has, he'd never go up in a hot air balloon like he does. He's also working on a space ship that will take people into orbit for a short time. Howard wondered who's going to take that trip and why they would do that. Richard said that there are a lot of people out there who want to make that trip and this will be the start of it. Richard said that Dick Rutan is the guy who is working on Space Ship 1 and they're building five of the ships for Virgin Atlantic Airways. They will have 5 seats per ship and they'll be able to take some people up to space. The ships will be launched from a mother ship once it gets up high enough. Howard read that the inventor discovered a way to make the ship turn into a shuttlecock-like craft that gently comes back into the atmosphere. Richard said that eventually they'd like to be able to take people to the moon to visit. He sees hotels on the moon and in space and they'll eventually be able to fly them there.
Howard read some stuff about Richard and how he used to get a rash when he had sex with his wife. He said that he had to get a circumcision at the age of 21 because of the rashes he was getting. After getting the circumcision, he watched Barberella the next day and split the stitches. He said it did help out with the rashes he was getting though. Howard wondered if sex was better with or without the circumcision. Richard said it's very good with the circumcision so he'd have to go with that. Howard said he believes that the foreskin is there for a reason and if he had a son, he probably wouldn't have him circumcised. Richard said it really wasn't that different one way or the other.
Howard asked Richard about when he made his first billion. That was when he sold his record company. He'd made his first million when he was in his teens. Artie told Richard how great his airline is because he took a first class flight to England one time and it was amazing. Richard liked to hear that stuff coming from the guys. Howard asked Richard about the TV show he has coming out and what that's all about. Richard said that the challenges they have on the show are pretty intense and people will have to watch to see what happens in the end.
Howard pointed out that Richard's record company had to pass on The Police when they first came out. He also read that Richard was kicked out of school one time because he'd hooked up with the Head Master's daughter. He also talked to Richard about what his kids are going to be doing. Richard said that his daughter is studying to be a doctor. Gary had a few things that he asked about and then noticed that Richard had something written on his left hand. Richard said that he had written ''Artie and Robin'' on his hand just in case he forgot their names. He also had some notes about the bands that they have on their label.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked Richard why he has to go into something like this when he's got so much money already. Richard said he's doing it for publicity because his company, Virgin, has a few new things coming out soon and it allows him to get the word out in this country. A few other callers had some questions and comments for Richard as well. Captain Janks asked him about how Richard's company owned the Rolling Stones. Richard said that they sold off the Rolling Stones years ago to get money to finance other things. That's when he made his first billion dollars. Howard asked him about how many homes he owns and how long he's been with his wife. Richard said he had a few homes and he's been with his wife for 30 years now. She's pretty cool and keeps him in his place. Howard wanted to know if he's faithful or not. Richard said he is faithful but Howard figured he has a deal worked out with her that allows him to be with other women. Howard gave Richard a plug for his show ''The Rebel Billionaire'' which airs tonight at 8 on FOX. They had to go to commercial break after that.
Michael Strahan Visits. 09/15/09. 7:00am
After the break we heard a prank call that Sal made to a modeling agency using Crazy Alice audio clips. Fred also played Lenny Kravitz ''Are You Gonna Go My Way'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and had Michael Strahan come in. He was there to promote his new TV show ''Brothers'' which premieres later this month.
Howard said that Michael is a big dude. He said he doesn't even care about the Giants. Michael played for them for 15 years. Howard asked if he was popular in high school. Michael said he grew up in Europe with his father who was in the army. He said his father whopped his ass with belts and stuff. He said they were good because he's straight.
Howard asked Michael if he has ever had to take a hand to his kids. Michael said he never has but that's because he never felt he had to. He said that his father did what he did based on the times. Howard said his parents never hit him. Michael said his brothers deserved what they got.
Howard asked Michael if he had to take his pants off to get the beatings. Michael said that he didn't have to do that. He said he did get hit with a belt though. Howard asked what the worst thing he ever did was. Michael said it was a long time since all of that happened. He wasn't sure what he did. He said that back then that's what parents did. He said he's 37 years old and that's the way kids were raised. Howard said that Michael's parents must be proud of him now. Michael said ''Oh yeah.''
Howard asked Michael about the pranks they used to pull on each other while playing football. Michael said a lot of the stuff they did involved nudity and stuff. He said that there have been times that a guy is talking to another guy in the shower and one of them is peeing on the other guy. He said he doesn't get that kind of stuff.
Michael said that one time one of the guys, Shawn O'Hara, took a picture of his balls and made it his screen saver. He said that's just not cool. He doesn't want some white guy's balls on his screen.
Howard said he read that one prank was the center cutting the crotch out of his pants and when the quarterback goes down there, his balls are hanging down there. Michael said that guy is the same guy who put his balls on his computer. He said that guy has problems.
Howard said he heard that the German chicks love black men. He asked if he was getting a lot of pussy over there. Michael wasn't answering but he said that they do love black men over there.
Howard asked Michael about his marriage and how bad that was. Michael said that it was bad toward the end. Howard read some stuff about that divorce and read that he had to give her $15.3 million in the settlement. Michael that's not true and they just settled everything about a month ago. That report Howard was reading was from 2008. Michael told Howard that she had an argument that had no merit and the judge had this thing for women and that judge sided with his wife. Michael said that they basically broke the pre-nup and the judge changed what the judge wanted to change. Michael said he's happy with the way things turned out though. He said that divorce is expensive because it's worth it.
Michael said that things are going good for him and he thinks that he's going to be okay later in life. He said he hates those autograph signings and he doesn't want to have to do those later in his life. He said he thinks that he'll be okay.
Michael told Howard about his new TV show ''Brothers'' and how that's based loosely on his life. Howard asked if he likes this acting thing. He said he does enjoy it and it's not so bad remembering the lines. He said it's the same as remembering plays in a play book. Howard said he could never do that. He asked how long it takes to memorize that stuff. Michael said they change it every day anyway so it takes some time.
Howard said he really can't remember stuff so he can't act like that. Michael said that they have to write him into a show had have him come on.
Howard asked Michael about his girlfriend, Nicole Mitchell, who sued to be married to Eddie Murphy. Howard asked if she would come in. Michael told Howard that if she comes in there they're not going to have any of this crazy talk. Howard said he'd get to that first then.
Howard asked Michael how he met this girl. Michael said he had a friend call him and tell him about this woman and set him up on a date. Howard asked if he had seen her when she was with Eddie. He said he had so he knew that she was hot. He said she has 5 kids and she doesn't look like she's had any. Howard said he's seen pictures and she really does look good.
Howard asked Michael how long it took before he got her in bed. Michael said if she had said it was okay the first night he would have been fine with it. He said it was actually a while before he got her. He said he didn't see her for a couple of weeks after the first time. He said she went back to L.A. for a couple of weeks. Michael said he wasn't trying to push up on her and he wasn't going to do anything too crazy.
Michael said that he called her a couple of weeks later and they went out to dinner. He said that she pulled up in a convertible and had a mini-skirt on. He said that she looked great that night. Michael said she's like 5'11'' tall.
Howard asked Michael if she has more money than him. Michael said that they're all good. Howard said she must have more than he does. Michael said he can't say but he has seen the contract that she signed. Michael said that they have 9 kids between them and the oldest is 19. He said he gets to see Eddie once in a while. He said that they don't seem to hate each other. They get along okay now.
Howard asked Michael if he gets to see the every day Eddie or the cultured Eddie. He said he sees the day to day Eddie. He said he doesn't see the ''Nutty Professor Eddie.''
Howard asked Michael how he holds out with a woman that hot. He said he would cum in 3 seconds. Michael laughed and didn't answer. Artie said he'd have to think of Shawn O'Hara's balls not to cum. Howard asked if he gave her an orgasm the first time he was with her. He thinks he did from the way she reacted to him.
Howard asked Michael about having sex with Nicole and if he moves fast or if he slows it down. They talked about that and said that sometimes you just have to say you're sorry for finishing too fast.
Howard asked Michael about getting stopped by the cops one time and saying that he was on his way to get a blow job. Michael said that was actually Charles Barkley. He said he was friends with Charles and they were out when they got pulled over. He said that Charles just let the cops know what was going on.
Howard asked Michael about his ex-wife accusing him of beating her and saying that he was gay. Michael said that he was everything according to her. He said that she was trying to break him and she even told him that. Michael said she wanted some stuff from him and she was going to embarrass him by putting this stuff out there if he didn't agree to it.
Michael said that there was some wild stuff going on and he asked her if she was kidding him with that stuff. Michael said that his parents said they knew she was bad for him and that she needed Jesus.
Howard asked if they could bring Nicole into the studio. Michael told him to behave when she came in. Nicole came in and said a quick hello but she wasn't going to stick around. Howard said that she's perfect. She thanked him for that but it didn't sound like she was comfortable in there.
Howard told Nicole how hot she is and asked her to come in there and sit down for a real interview. Howard asked her where she grew up. She said she grew up in Sacramento and she used to look like Olive Oyl. She said she had to get out of there. Nicole told Howard that she loves him. Howard told her he never thought she should be with Eddie. She got the hell out of there after that. Howard told Michael that he had ''finished'' in that short time she was in the studio.
Howard read that Michael had put a tracking device on his girlfriend's car. Michael said that isn't true and that was written by the same guy who wrote that he was gay. He said they make stuff up like that all the time.
Howard told Michael that this chick Nicole isn't the kind of girl who is going to go out with just anyone. Howard said he gets it if he wanted to track her. Michael said that he wasn't doing that and it's impossible to do that anyway.
Michael said that there was a time when he and Nicole weren't together. He said they broke up for a while but he didn't want to get into that. Howard asked if it was the other guy who was accusing him of putting a tracking device in the car. Michael said that Howard is saying something that he didn't say. Howard said he was smiling though. Michael said he wasn't smiling, he has that gap in his teeth and he has to open his mouth to breathe.
Michael told Howard he was a regular guy until his divorce happened. That's when everything got crazy for him. He said that once you go through divorce you know what happens in a divorce. He said he took the high road in all of that.
Michael said he wanted to do the right thing in the divorce and he thinks that his ex-wife is a great person and his kids are great too.
Michael asked Howard if he had a lot of famous chicks. Howard told him to look at him. Michael said he's rich though so he could have gotten some chicks. Howard said he had Anna Nicole Smith. He was joking about that of course.
Howard gave Michael some plugs for his new show ''Brothers'' and asked if he's going to ask Eddie Murphy to do the show. He said he'd love to have him on. They've had some people like Mike Tyson, Snoop Dogg and some other people on the show. Michael said that Lisa Lampanelli was supposed to have something on the show and he's not sure what happened with that.
Howard asked Michael about his Super Bowl ring and if that was a big deal for him. He said it was a big deal and that's why he got out when he did. He figured it was best to get out while he was on top. Michael talked about how he loves his old coach but he was very strict with the rules and stuff. He said that he eventually learned and the players like working for him now.
Michael asked Howard if he's a ball buster. Howard said he's really not. He said this is nonsense and football is much more important.
Howard said he will watch ''Brothers'' and check it out. Michael told Howard that if he likes it he may send Nicole back to do an interview.
Howard said he grew up in the same neighborhood that Eddie Murphy grew up in. He said he never got the British accent like Eddie did though. Michael laughed and said that a lot of people get that accent. He said that Madonna got that too.
Howard asked Michael if he ever thought of getting that gap in his teeth fixed. He said he did think about it but the he figured he wouldn't be himself without it. He said he'd be able to say the letter S correctly too and he didn't want that.
Howard gave Michael some more plugs for his TV show and started to wrap up with him. Artie had more questions for him. He asked if he fucked Dr. Ian Smith. Michael said that he didn't. Howard told Artie that Michael is with Nicole. They wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Two Women Make Out With Beetlejuice For Prizes. 12/6/01. 7:25am
Beetlejuice the tiny headed dwarf came in this morning to make some women happy. A couple of women were down to compete against each other for some prizes. The woman that kissed Beetlejuice the best would win. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Beetlejuice before bringing the women in. He said that a talking Beetlejuice doll will be out this January. You can find out more about that at JollyDwarf.com
Two women came in to play for different things. The first woman, Christy, is 5 months pregnant and she was playing for the chance to play her husband's band's CD on the air. Howard said she was pretty attractive even though her body was distorted from being pregnant. She had 30 seconds to do her best at making out with Beetle. To make things worse Beetlejuice ate some sardines before the make out session. Christy went ahead and made out with Beetlejuice and the crew sounded stunned by they way she kissed and grabbed Beetle's package. Robin said there was no way anyone could outdo her. Beetlejuice said it was great and he really enjoyed it. They said that Christy just about swallowed Beetle's head when she was kissing him.
Next up was Sarah who was playing for breast implants. She's a 21 year old bartender/stripper who just wants an extra cup size. The guys all said that she'd be really hot with implants. She didn't seem like she was into making out with Beetlejuice but once she started she really got into it. She took her top off and rubbed all over him while she kissed him. After her 30 seconds the crew were once again amazed at her performance.
Howard had everyone give their votes for who should win. Howard and Robin both picked Sarah as the winner but Artie and Fred went with Christy because she was so into Beetlejuice. Since there was a tie they decided to have a run off to pick the winner. The girls had 10 seconds to do their best. Once again Sarah got really into her erotic dance and Howard said she took Beetle's hand and put it on her chest. Christy did something similar and grabbed his package again. Once again the vote was split so they had to have KC break the tie. This time Robin and Fred picked Christy while Howard and Artie went with Sarah. KC broke the tie when he picked Sarah as the winner because of her ''unbridled passion'' during her make out session.
Howard told Christy that he'd give her a plug for her husband's band since she was such a good sport. The band is called Loaded Poets and you can check out their music at LoadedPoets.com
Howard had Dr. Sal Calabro (SalCalabro.com) on the phone to talk about what he's going to do for Sarah. He said it sounds like she's a candidate for just a minor cup size upgrade.
Howard spent a few more minutes with Beetle and a phone caller told Howard that one night Beetle was making an appearance where they forced him to vomit by giving him some ipecac. They didn't tell Beet they were doing it so he was a little upset by it. Beet's manager Sean came in and said that they did that just one time and it was to liven things up at the party. He also claimed that it was this guy Joey Boots who suggested doing it. Joey called in and said Sean was lying about the story. Beetle and Sean ended up yelling at Joey on the phone a little bit. Beetle's buddy Drunken Jamie was also there yelling at Joey. It sounds like they really hate each other. Howard wrapped things up a short time later.
What Ever Happened To... Denise The Kielbasa Queen. 07/23/08. 9:15am
After the break we heard a prank call Richard and Sal made to Riley Martin as aliens. Fred also played some David Bowie ''Suffragette City'' as they were coming back. Howard came back a short time later and said that they have Denise the Kielbasa Queen coming in for a ''What Ever Happened To...'' bit. Denise said tat she hasn't been on the show for about 7 years now. Howard said that she was able to take a 13 inch kielbasa and deep throat it. Denise said that she can still do that.
Howard asked Denise to demonstrate for them. Gary brought in the kielbasa and she took it down her throat. She said that this one was about 11 inches long. She said that she sprayed it with Whipped Cream to cut back on the taste of the kielbasa.
Howard asked Denise if she can talk with that down her throat. She said she used to be able to but she's lost it since she doesn't practice that much now. Howard had her deep throat it again and got a laugh out of Artie. She took the whole thing down there a second later.
Howard asked Denise how she discovered that she could do it. Denise said she was working in a strip club and was doing that with hot dogs. She said that she once sucked in a hot dog that went all the way down her throat and it ended up popping back up. She demonstrated that quickly and she sucked it in and popped it right back out. Artie sounded impressed.
Howard said that Denise was in Private Parts but then she disappeared. Denise said that she went to prison for a while. She said that her ex-husband had a bad drug problem and she tried to cover it up so her family wouldn't know about it. She quit her job and stayed home to take care of the kids. She said that she was in for about 2 and a half years after being arrested for promoting prostitution.
Denise said that she was hooking to help pay the bills. She said she got a computer and started doing this and then her daughter told on her. She said that her daughter is actually having a baby in December. She was 15 at the time and she was going to therapy at the time and told on her in there.
Denise said she's not sure what she said to the therapist. She said that she had the worst lawyer in the world and doesn't even know what they had on her to throw her in jail. Denise said that she tried to hold back on talking but then they started threatening her. She said that they knew who she was too.
Denise said that she was told that she was going to be able to get off if she just agreed to talk. She agreed to do that and trusted her sister when she told her to just agree to talk. Then she ended getting her shoe laces taken and she knew that she was in trouble. Denise said that she signed a paper that let the cops take her computer. She said that everything was on her computer and they had all of the stuff talking about the Johns and the girls she had working for her.
Denise said that she was living in Asbury Park for a while and she had a whole little brothel going down there. She said that there was a hidden door there that she had that linked to the upstairs apartment. She said that she went down to and found some girls who were working on the street corners and brought them back and put them to work. She said that she was getting about $150 out of a $250 charge for the girls. Denise said that she was doing pretty good down there. She said that the cops were some of her best clients down there.
Denise said that she moved to the Central Jersey area and that's where things went wrong. She said that her ex-husband got really bad and things went downhill.
Denise said that she was doing some of the work herself. She said that she wasn't doing a lot of that but she did have guys who knew who she was and they wanted her to do to them what she does with the kielbasa. She said that she had this one guy who had about 15 inches in his pants who wanted her to do that. She said that he was just a kid.
Howard asked about what happened with the daughter and her revelation. She said that the counselor ended up turning her in because she heard that they were using the same computer and all. Denise said that her daughter tried to take her life because she felt so guilty about what had happened. Denise said that things are good now though.
Denise said that she was hysterical when she went to jail and her husband told her that she just had to accept that she was there and the time would pass quickly. Denise said that he told her to play cards and just go along like it was her regular life. He even suggested that she lick some pussy while she was in there.
Denise said that there was a woman in there that looked kind of manly and she was coming on to her. Denise said that she ended up getting into a fight with one woman and she kicked her ass. That chick came back a few weeks later and told her that she was actually the nicest woman and she apologized to her for doing what she did.
Denise said that a lot of people in jail knew who she was. She said that even the guards treated her pretty well there.
Denise said that she was kind of attacked by the woman who was chasing after her and she actually liked being kissed by that girl. She said that they used to sneak into each other's cells to do stuff with each other. Denise said that she wasn't in a cell because she was trusted woman there. She said that she was running her own little store there and she was making a little money. She said that she was able to get cigarettes and stuff while she was there so they'd come to her to get it.
Denise said that this woman who was in love with her looked like a dude and she as kind of chubby. Denise said that she ended up getting caught when she went up to this chick's cell. She said the guards were announcing her name on the speaker and stuff. She said that they were making love every day when they first started. Denise said that they took the trustee thing away from her and ended up in a cell.
Denise said that she's a squirter so she ruined a lot of bed sheets in the cell. She said that her bunk mate didn't even mind that she was getting it on in her bunk even though she's a squirter. Denise said that the girl was nice and clean and shaved down nicely too.
Denise said that this other woman had been in jail for a really long time and she wanted to help her get out and back into a normal life. Denise said that she started a drug program for the women in jail and she's running meetings all over the place now. She's going to speak to kids and stuff now and she's doing very well. Denise said that they lost contact after the other chick went into treatment and had to go through a black out period. She said that the other woman's sponsor actually told her that it wouldn't be a good thing to get in contact with her. Denise also said that she thought that she had died so she had grieved over that.
Denise said that she learned a lot while she was in jail and she became a paralegal and studied some other stuff. She said that she actually had a blast in jail and learned she can make the best of any situation.
Denise said that she's with a guy now who has been her best friend for about 20 years now. She said they're going to get married.
Denise talked about a home made dildo that they made in jail and how she was getting it on with the women in one wing at this jail and she was having so much fun doing it. Howard said it sounds like she was having more fun than he's having. Denise said that she learned how to tattoo and how to make the dildo. She said that the dildo was made of a tooth brush case and some tampons with an ace bandage holding it on like a strap on.
Denise said that she learned what her self worth really was while she was in jail. Howard said it sounds like she was like McGyver in there with the dildo story. Denise said that she had a very full life while she was gone.
Howard asked Denise about the bachelor parties that she's back to doing. Denise said that's a legit job and she's not doing any prostitution anymore. She said that she does a lot of fetish stuff now at these things. She said that she did this ''toilet training'' thing where she shit in the toilet and the guy bobbed in the toilet like he was bobbing for apples. She said that she was at her house and the guy came over to do it there. She said that she spoke to him on the phone and got to know him through that. She got a pretty good sense of him by doing that.
Denise said that some guys like to watch shit coming out of women by doing this Pittsburgh Platter thing where she shits on a glass table. She said that she's been asked to shit on people and she just can't do that. Howard asked about the shitting in the toilet thing and what the guy does. She said that he was eating the shit and it was making her sick. She said that she was laughing while he was doing it though. She said that the guy was getting off on it and had a boner. Denise said that she had one guy who dressed up like a big Everlast punching bag and had the women beat him up.
Denise also talked about how she arm wrestles. She's been doing that for a while now and she lost a few weeks ago when she had to move up a weight class.
Howard said that Richard and Sal say they can deep throat a sausage better than Denise. He had them come in after he gave Denise a plug for her web site TheKielbasaQueen.com. She's also making an appearance at some event that you can find out more about at DamnSam.com.
Sal and Richard came in and said that Doug Goodstein was telling them that they should try to deep throat these things because they're not impressed by what was going on. Doug denied saying that but Sal said that's what happened. Then Richard said that Sal came to him and told him that they were going to deep throat the sausage so he went in.
Richard tried it first and started to puke after 6 inches or so. Sal gave it a try and choked after 3 inches. Howard told Artie he was next but there was no way that was going to happen. Artie asked Denise what it would cost for her to beat the fuck out of him while he's shitting. Denise said that maybe $500. She said that she wouldn't kiss or anything. Artie said that he'd get her number then.
It wasn't clear if Artie was being serious or not. It almost sounded like he was. Artie said that he wants to get beat up while he shits. He said that he would take care of himself after she leaves so it wouldn't be a sexual thing. Howard said he never knew that Artie was into this shit. Artie said that he was into Pipi Longstocking when he was a kid because she could beat guys up. Then Artie said that he was just kidding.
Denise said that she's working on a book and that will be called ''Take Two Kielbasas and Call Me In the Morning. Memoirs of the Kielbasa Queen.'' Artie sarcastically told her it's always great to have 52 words in the title of a book.
Denise said that the event she's doing for DamnSam.com is for the legalization of medical marijuana. She spent a minute on that before Howard had to wrap up and go to break.
Richard Christy came in so Jon asked him what he'll be doing for Thanksgiving. Richard said that they have deer sticks and venison meatballs and things like that out there in Kansas. He said it's hunting season out there so that's why they have a lot of deer. Sal said he loves that the deer are more paranoid out there than the turkeys are.
Jon asked Richard about hunting and he said that he could spend days out in the woods hunting. He said he liked Quail hunting because you can move around more than with deer.
Jon asked if Sal ever went hunting. Sal said he didn't but his dad brought home a pig once and he eventually killed that and killed it. He said that they had a pool and his dad drained the pool and made that the pig pen. He said they eventually killed it and ate it. He said it was probably in the pool for about 4 or 5 months. Richard asked if they had mud in there. Sal said they had a plastic lining in the pool. He said they thought they had gained a pet after losing the pool. He said that he was about 7 or 8 at the time. Sal said they had the pig in there from Summer until Fall. He said one day they were eating and his sister said the ribs were great and their mom told them that it was their pig. Sal said it was their pet and they ate it.
Jon asked if they went swimming in the pool again. Sal said they never did. He said it turned into a dumping ground. He said he thinks his dad eventually torched the whole thing.
Jon asked where they slaughtered the pig. Sal said he must have done it in the garage. Jon asked why they decided to serve the pig. Sal said his parents were right off the boat. He said that's the kind of thing you do. Richard said they're really expensive to feed. He said that's why you eat them. Richard said they made good money selling them back when they raised them. Richard said he and his sister would make $500 each and his parents would spend that much just feeding them. Richard said it was one of the saddest things he's ever seen. He said it's so sad when you raise a pig and see it being taken away by a truck. He said all of the kids who did that would be upset.
Sal said that it was horrifying to eat his own pet. Richard said they've eaten just about everything but cats or dogs. He said he's seen chickens running around with their heads chopped off. He said they'd run toward him and his sister with blood squirting out of their necks. He said his dad would just rip their heads off.
Jon said Richard probably named his pigs. Richard said they had one named Pig Pen and it fell in the outhouse and his mom had to get it out. He said the town thought that one of the kids fell in the outhouse so they came over to help.
Richard said his favorite pet was Calfy who was like a pet dog that followed him around. He said they had a horse named Fred but they didn't eat him. He said they bought it real cheap and just kept it as a pet. Jon asked how he got named Fred. Richard said he thinks it had the name already. He said they didn't bother changing it to Horsie.
Jon asked if they ever tried to break the horse. Richard said they didn't. He said they got it for like $100 and they never really did anything with him. He said he'd run and do funny stuff when you fed him but that was about it.
Jon asked Richard if he ever made a plea to keep a pet that he liked. Richard said he thinks they had a rooster that would make love to a soda bottle. He said you'd throw it near it and he'd get up on it and screw it. He said he thinks that spared his life because they got so much entertainment out of it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he loves Richard and Sal. He told them to keep it up. He also asked Sal and Richard how much drinking goes on during this holiday. He also asked when they're going to replay some of the roast shows. Jon said they'll forward his request on to the Sternthology people to handle that.
Jon asked Sal about the drinking thing. Sal said he doesn't drink much. He said a couple of years ago he had a wake up call after drinking too much Sangria. He said that he was a fun drunk but if it's affecting other people then you have to evaluate changes. He said he went to a bar mitzvah last week and he didn't drink anything. Sal said that it was a good thing he wasn't drinking because he thought about the kid's poster that was hanging in the place. He said that he's not big on drinking anymore. He said he'll have one or two drinks and that's it.
Jon asked Sal why it was this event that made him change. Sal said he's not sure exactly. He said he had way too much Sangria and he threw up all over their friend's driveway. He said he's not 17 anymore and he woke up that morning and said he just has to stop. Jon said that's great to hear. They had to go to break after that.
Jon said they heard Richard telling the story about the chickens running around with their heads cut off and that might be where he got his love of horror movies. Richard said that could be it. He said it is pretty scary. Richard said that was just a thing that they had to do when they had to eat. He said that was dinner for the night.
Jon said he doesn't get how the pig survived in Sal's backyard. He said it was stuck in a pool. Sal said it was an above ground pool. He said the pig seemed to have a great time. He said his mom threw in the meatballs and sauce in there. He said it had an orange nose from the tomatoes it ate. Sal said it wasn't a big deal to them at all to do that whole thing. Jon said they don't usually throw the pig into a pool though. Sal said his aunt lived in Italy and they had a pig pen there. He said he and Richard in some odd way had the same upbringing in that area. Sal said his dad ate rabbits too. He said that was horrible. He said he'd be there petting a rabbit and then his cousin would take it to the garage to kill it and make stew out of it.
Jon said it has to be tough for a kid out on Long Island to see something like that. Sal said it was rough. He said he didn't have rabbits himself. He said his cousins had no problem killing and eating them though. He said he remembers his cousin shooting a crow and eating that. Richard asked if it was a dove because he thought that was an Italian thing to do. Sal said his father used to pull muscles right off a rock and eat them raw. He said he thinks that he'd eat a human if it was legal.
Richard said they were out hunting once and they shot a rabbit that had an 8 foot long tapeworm in it. He said he didn't eat it that night but his friend did. He said he doesn't mind wild rabbits but if someone took a tame rabbit he'd feel awful about that.
Richard said he would never eat guinea pigs but people do that. He said there are some things that he'd feel bad eating. He said he was raised that way though. Sal said he feels bad for Veal. He said if you think about it it's upsetting just to think about eating cows or veal. He said that he still eats bacon to this day even though they ate their pig. He said his parents never gave him bacon so he tasted it for the first time thanks to his neighbor. He said it was out of this world. He said he wanted to get another pig after that.
Sal said he's not a fan of turkey either. He said that he will have some but he's not a big fan. Jon said they replayed that segment from 2009 where Sal was talking about his money issues. Jon asked how things are now. Sal said things are going great. He said they paid it all off and they use one credit card for emergency situations. He said they are sure they can pay it off within the month. Jon played a clip of Howard talking to Sal about how he was living like a little baby. Sal said he's more like a teenager now. Sal said you have to be smart about this stuff. He said he has 3 kids to plan for.
Jon said that Sal has also brought his drinking under control. Sal said he was in a bad place with everything that was going on in his life. He said it takes time to heal and mend relationships. He said cutting out the alcohol helped him with the mending process. He said he doesn't have to drink like that anymore. He said those days of smacking his cock on a pumpkin are gone. He said they were fun though.
Jon asked Richard if he thinks that Sal should have cut back. Richard said he didn't think he was that crazy. Then he told Jon he might be asking the wrong person. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said that Gary coached his kids for a while. Sal said that he will never do that. He said his son was playing baseball and the ball came near him so he threw the ball to the pitcher and hit him in the shoulder. He said this kid hit a foul ball and it came right to his feet. He said he panicked and he didn't know what to do. He said he wasn't sure if he should throw over or underhand. Sal said he threw it to the pitcher's mound and the kid turned to get it and it hit him. He said it was embarrassing. He said he's really bad with sports.
Jon asked if he is good at any sport. Sal said he wanted to wrestle but he broke his collarbone two days in and had to stop. He said he never really did get to find out.
Sal said his father thought he was going to be a professional wrestler when he told him he was going to be wrestling. Sal said the collar bone break came in the second practice. He said maybe he could have been one of the greats.
Jon asked if he's living through his kids now. Sal said he wouldn't say that. He said his kids started out playing soccer but they weren't into it that much. He said now his son is playing football and he does cringe at times. He said one kid lost his life earlier this year and that was a heart breaker. Sal said the kid got slammed in the head and passed away that day after a game. Jon asked how he and his wife felt about that. Sal said his son wanted to continue to play. He said for the most part these kids do their best and try to be safe. He said you can't hold your kid back from doing something they love.
Jon asked Will if he will let his son play football. Will said no way. He said he doesn't think they're up for that whole thing. He said they may let him play baseball, soccer and things like that. Jon said you can get hurt playing those games too. Jon said you have to weigh the risk. He said he thinks more parents are going to shy away from that whole football thing.
Jon asked Richard about the sports thing but he wasn't paying attention. Richard said he's thinking about Thanksgiving right now.
Will asked Sal about some of the other positions there are in football. Sal knew a couple and said he's still learning. Will said that it is fair to ask him about this now that his son is into football. Jon asked Sal some more questions about scoring and tried to find out if Sal knows how it works. Sal told Jon about what they do after a touchdown. He said they can ether do a ''kick it'' or ''throw it'' into the end zone. Sal said he knows about the 2 point conversion and the safety too. He told Jon how those things work. Jon asked Sal more questions and kept going trying to find out what Sal didn't know.
Will asked if they talked about Sal's financial issues. Jon said they did. Will missed it so he asked Sal how things are going. Sal said he's in a better position now than he was.
Jon asked Richard what he has planned for Thanksgiving. Richard said he and Will have a big game going on. He said they're going to be watching the Eagles game. Will said he may not even see the game. He said his father in law hates football. Jon asked if the TV goes on at all. Will said that won't fly. He said he has to deal with the kids too. He said that he may DVR the game instead.
Richard said they're going to the Macy's Thanksgiving parade. He said he'd like to say something to the people at Macy's. Jon said that he's sure they're fans. Richard said he wishes they'd move it back to 7th Ave where there are bars. He said there are none on 6th. He said that they may find one on 7th and have some drinks and then go to look at the balloons. Jon asked when Richard starts drinking. Richard said they pace themselves. Richard said they start around 8 and they will have some Mimosas. He said they have a long day coming up. He said he and his wife are going to visit her family on the weekend but they'll be having their own meal on Thanksgiving.
Jon said that he wanted Will in there to talk about the segment they played where he outed Fred for not giving him a wedding gift. Will said he regrets that. He said there are times like that on the show where you have regrets and that's one of them.
The guys talked about giving gifts and Sal said you have to be careful re-gifting. He said he once re-gifted to Louis the board op by giving him a box of chocolates that Scott gave him. He said Scott had just given Louis the same thing in the same wrapping paper. Sal said he just told him that he and Scott did their gifts together.
Richard said that he and Sal go out shopping together and they try on clothes and check each other out. Will said that Sal is definitely the bitch in that relationship. He said he's always backing Richard up with his sports teams and things like that. Richard said they call it ''Pretty Woman'' when they go out shopping together.
Jon asked Will what he thinks is going on there. Jon said that Richard is the Alpha there. Richard said he needs new jeans for his new iPhone 6. He said his jeans are too tight for it.
Will said that they diet together too. Richard will tell Sal when to put something down if he's eating too much. Sal said that the two of them always like the same jeans. He said they'll look around for jeans and they will go their separate ways and they always end up liking the same thing. Sal said Richard asks him to come out and model them and he does it because he loves Richard and it's nice. He said there's no reason to say no to him.
Richard said the jeans they shop for, Diesel, are very expensive. Sal said that Richard gets it and they don't have to get them for each other. Richard said those things last forever. They are expensive though.
Richard asked Will if he ever goes shopping for jeans with Jason. Will said there's no way he'd ever do that. They goofed on Jason for a few seconds and Sal regretted that. He said that he loves Jason. Jon said he never regrets the pedophile jokes about him. Sal said the jokes that are true he never regrets.
Brett Larson was in with the Howard 100 News headlines. They spent a minute talking to him about the jeans shopping and then asked him to give his news headlines. Brett ran down a few and also got in a plug for Leiberman Live. Jon said there's also a Riley Martin special at 4pm on Howard 101. That's where Riley will give his suggestions on how to prepare for Thanksgiving. Jon got in a plug ofr today's Sternthology as well.
IQ Test Results Betting Begins. 07/29/10. 6:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: A medley of George Takei song parodies, a Lisa Lampanelli comedy bit about Hispanics, Larry Pierce's ''She Licked My Scrotum'' song, 3 Doors Down performing ''Kryptonite'' live in the Howard Stern Show studio.
Howard started the show talking about the IQ test results show that they're doing. He said that they're being sponsored by the ''Dinner for Schmucks'' movie. He said that he brought in cash to place bets on the outcome of the tests.
Howard said he's really looking forward to this today but he's also telling the guys they can't go too crazy with the results. He said he doesn't know what Mel Karmazin's IQ is but he has been told by Mel that he's not the smartest man in the world. He said IQ is a man made test and they don't know exactly what they're testing. Howard said he thinks he knows his IQ but it doesn't really mean anything. He can go on David Letterman and make people laugh. He said not everyone can do that. Howard said you can have an Einstein IQ and never get out of your own house because you're afraid.
Robin said that there are some people there who could be about to break when they find out the results. Howard said that could be true. He said he was up all last night trying to figure out how to handle this show today. He said he has a few ways he could do this. He could pair people up and movie them on to different brackets but he's not sure about that. Robin said they could pair people up with one person who has a low IQ and one with a high one and never tell them exactly what that score is.
Howard said he came to a conclusion that they're going to go from the lowest to the highest today. He said that they'll have their suspense and they will move up the ladder. Robin asked when they're going to do it. Howard said they will have their results in about an hour. He said he will begin the results then. Howard said he would bet 10,000 bucks that Wendy would test the lowest. He doesn't think that anyone would challenge that. He said that if Jason tested at a 61 then they'd be in trouble. (People in the test: Jeff the Drunk, High Pitch Eric, Wendy the Retard, Gary Dell'Abate, Jason Kaplan, Scott DePace, Ralph Cirella, Sal Governale, Richard Christy and JD Harmeyer)
Howard said that they found out that the next person is in the ''dull'' category and he's thinking that will be High Pitch Eric. He said he doesn't think that Jeff the Drunk is that much smarter but he could be a surprise. He said that he may come in fourth. Robin said she thinks that he's dull and High Pitch would be the next person up.
Howard said they may have to start their betting round now. He said that Robin might want to bet on the High Pitch and Jeff the Drunk thing. Howard said he has to find someone who can keep track of all of these bets. Gary said Jason will take care of all of that back there in the office.
Howard asked if anyone wanted to bet High Pitch vs. Jeff the Drunk. Robin did. Howard wanted to take High Pitch for $100. Robin took that bet. She says that Jeff is dumber than High Pitch. Gary got in on that bet too. Sal came in and said that he has more to worry about than the bet. He wanted to take Jeff the Drunk being smarter than Eric for $500. Robin said she'll go 100 but not 500. Sal took that. Gary is in it for 100. Scott DePace was in it for 100 as well.
Howard said they have to move on to some other betting. Benjy asked if Jeff is smarter than at least one of the staff members. Benjy thinks he is. He said that he's willing to bet, with odds, that he's smarter than 3 or 4 of them. Howard asked who he thinks they are. Benjy said he thinks that it would be JD and Gary. He's not taking points on that either. He said he thinks that it's just flat out higher score than JD and Gary. Howard said he likes this bet. JD came in and said that he'll bet Benjy 100 on that one. He said part of the test needed two hands to complete something. The guys said that was probably taken into consideration. Robin said that she will take 50 bucks on that Jeff thing. She said that every staff member is higher than Jeff. Howard took Robin's bet. Howard asked if anyone else wanted in on that. Fred said he'd take it saying that Jeff will not be higher than the staff. Fred said that Jeff was in high school until he was 21 years old. Howard forgot about that.
Howard said that no one was betting. Gary said he was out of money. He didn't want to bet more than he brought with him. Gary said there's a lot of discussion back there and it's funny that Benjy finds that he's not bright. Benjy said he never said that.
Howard said he had a conversation with Richard and he thinks that he might be brighter than you think. He said he found out he lost 42 pounds using an iPhone app to keep track of what he ate. Howard said he's probably the only guy who has ever used that app successfully. He said he went back there and wished them luck and Richard said he hopes that he and Sal score the same. Richard came in and said that he learned about that iPhone app from Sarah Silverman. He said it worked for her. Howard said he's not sure if Richard is that smart. He can't tell. Howard said he has always taken Richard's speech to be some kind of dimwit. He said he really can't tell though.
Richard thanked everyone for thinking he's so smart. Some people there do think he's pretty smart. Howard just isn't sure. Howard said he has 500 with Gary that Sal is going to beat Richard. Benjy said he thinks that Richard could be number 1. Howard said he'd like to bet that Richard isn't in the top 4. Benjy took that. Richard said he'd take action on that too. Richard said he'd bet that he's not even in the top 4. Robin took that bet with Benjy too. Benjy asked Richard what 8x8 was. Richard quickly said 64. He didn't hesitate. Benjy said his gut is that Richard is the 122 IQ. Robin didn't want to take the bet.
Gary came in and said that Sal just told him that 8x8 is 61. Gary said that he has to have him figure it out in there. Sal said that 8x9 is 72. He was out in Gary's office saying 68. He finally figured it out in there. Howard said Sal really is dim. Howard asked Sal what 8x6 was. He said that it was 48. Gary asked what 9x7 was. He said 72. Sal said that was too quick and he had to think about it. Howard wanted out of the bet. He said he'd give Gary 500 right now to get out of his bet. Howard was shocked at Sal's answers.
Howard asked who will win, Sal or Jeff the Drunk. Sal thinks he has him beat. Sal said he can stop and think about it. Howard said he just got it wrong. Sal said he'll be fine. Howard wanted to bet on Sal vs. Jeff the Drunk. Robin thinks that Jeff is stupid. She said that Sal can't be in the bottom 2. She can't take that bet.
Gary said that if he hadn't said something to Sal, he would have thought 8x8 was 61. Sal said that he probably would have. Sal said he took his time with this test so he thinks that he did well. He said he took his time within the time limit he had.
Howard thanked Sal and said they have to do some more betting on that. Howard asked what 6x9 was. Sal said 54. He had to think for a few seconds. Howard said maybe he just needs to warm up like a car. Robin said she thinks that Richard will have done better than Sal. She wanted to take some action on that. Howard said no one is taking action on that based on what they just saw. Howard said that they can take bets on Sal vs. Jeff. Sal said he'll take action on himself. No one was taking action.
Howard asked what 37+29 was. Sal did his math and came up with 66. He was right so Howard called him a genius. It took him about a minute to come up with the answer.
Mike Gange came in and said he'd bet that Sal would come in lower than Jeff the Drunk. He took that action with Sal. He said he thinks that it's going to be a good 10 point difference too.
Benjy said he thinks that Sal will be in the top 5. Howard thought about that for a minute. He said that there's no way he'll be in the top 2. He wasn't sure he wanted to do this all morning with the bets. He said they do have a lot of interest in this though.
Eric The Midget Freaking Out On The Set Of ''Fringe.'' 07/29/10. 6:30am
Howard said that Johnny Fratto was on the phone with an Eric the Midget update. Howard picked up and Johnny said that Eric got up there and things were good. Then he got on the set and they added 11 lines to what he already had. He said that he was really pissed about that.
Howard said that's what actors do. They read lines. He said that they fight for more lines. Johnny said they were going to do some prosthetic stuff and it was going to take time to put him in it. He said Eric is very pissed off about all of that. He said that people are going to be torturing him over that stuff.
Johnny said that he kept getting calls from Eric and he told him he'd call him back. Then he got a call from his friend who is helping write his book and it turns out Eric is calling him. Eric is also freaking out that Steve Langford is up there too. Johnny said he told Eric to just roll with it. He said that Eric doesn't like Steve and he'd be fine if it was Shuli. Howard said Eric is so difficult. Johnny said he's the worst.
Howard said actors go crazy to get more lines. He said most actors would be thanking them for giving him more lines. He's very lucky to have that. Howard said Johnny was making too much sense. Howard thanked him for the call and tried to wrap up. Johnny said he thinks that they're not going to get this thing done and Eric won't end up on the show. Howard said he'd take action on Eric not ever being in Fringe.
Howard's Germ Phobia. 07/29/10. 6:35am
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he has a germ issue with Beth at all when they have sex. Howard said he does not. He said they made sweet love last night. He said he didn't think he could wait until after dinner so they were in the bedroom by 5 last night. He said they went out to dinner after that. It just took 2 minutes to get that done.
The caller asked if he makes Beth wash her hands before she has sex with him. Howard said he doesn't do that. Howard said he had a guy put his hand out to shake it as he was getting ready to eat. He said he didn't shake his or his wife's hands. Howard said that he felt bad about that but he didn't have his hand gel. He said he ended up going back to the guy and said he'd shake his hand. He said the guy was really nice and he felt bad about it.
Howard said the guy was a British guy and he said he knew that he didn't like to shake his hand. Howard said he looked over and the wife and kids were Vietnamese or something and he had said he had ''guck'' on his hands. He thought that they may have taken that as ''gook'' so he apologized to the guy for that too. He said the guy told him it was clear he said ''guck.'' Howard said he's just as bad as Howie Mandel when it comes to shaking hands.
The caller asked Howard about the Mel Gibson tapes and how he had said he understood why Mel Gibson was upset with that Oksana for not blowing him. Howard said that he was just saying that some guys can relate to what Mel was saying about the blow job thing. He said Mel is pumping a lot of money into this chick so he gets why he might be upset. Robin said that all he wanted was that blow job though. She said that he was treating her like a prostitute. Robin said that he was basically paying her to blow him. Howard said that's true but she doesn't even know that she's his whore.
The caller asked Howard why he feels the need to let people know that he's just joking when he talks about that. Howard said here are some dummies in his audience who don't get that it's a joke. He said not everyone is a genius like the caller is. He hung up on him after that.
More IQ Test Betting. 07/29/10. 6:40am
Howard got back to the betting. He wanted to do some straight bets like Scott DePace vs. Gary. Howard said Benjy seems to think he knows something. Benjy said he really doesn't know with that one. Howard asked about Ralph vs. JD. Gary said he's not sure. He said he doesn't know much about Ralph's intelligence and JD doesn't really give them anything. Howard asked about Gary vs. Ralph. Robin said she's taking Gary there. Howard said he's not sure on that one. Howard said he's going to bet on Gary in that one too. Howard asked where everyone is because no one else was betting. Fred said he'll say that JD is smarter than Ralph. Howard said he'll do $100 on that one. Robin said she wasn't sure about that one. She didn't have a clear pick.
Howard got back to DePace vs. Gary. DePace said he wants to bet Gary but Gary won't take the action. Howard said he thinks that Scott knows something. He said he thinks that Scott is going to beat Gary. Robin took action on that one. She said she'd take Gary over Scott. Scott wanted to bet someone too. Fred said he really doesn't know in that one. He said Scott talks a good game. He then took the action with Scott for 50 bucks.
Robin said the big one is Jason vs. Scott DePace and Jason is her guy. Howard said he might be in that camp now. DePace said he might be in that camp too. He said he has lost all of his confidence. Howard said that everyone is thinking that Jason is going to do very well on the test.
Howard said that he'll give a better bet. He asked Robin if she's willing to bet that Jason isn't the number 1 guy. Robin said that might be the big surprise in the testing. Howard said this is really frustrating. Howard said he'll give 35 points on Wendy vs. Sal. He's spotting Wendy 35 points. They think that she's going to come in at the 61. Sal would have to be a 96. Howard said he's going to take that bet. JD bet him on that for 50 bucks. Benjy got in on that too. Benjy took the bet with Howard. Howard said he thinks he has a good bet with that one. Robin wasn't taking any action on that. Not with the 35 points.
Howard asked Benjy if he would bet against him that Wendy the Retard is the lowest. Benjy said he can't take that bet. Howard said he's a pussy.
Gary asked what the chances are that the 122 isn't Jason, Gary or Scott. Howard said he'd make it simpler and say that Jason isn't number 1. Howard said everyone seems to think that Jason is in that spot. He said that there are 5 other guys who could be beating Jason so your odds are 5 to 1. Howard said if you just bet that Jason isn't number one you have a good chance of winning. Howard said he'd do that for 50 bucks. He said he'd bet that Jason isn't number 1. Fred took that bet. He thinks Jason is number 1.
Gary said that even Scott DePace's self esteem isn't that high now. Gary said it's done that to everyone. He said Scott has been turned into a sniveling pile of self hating. Gary said they're all shitting their pants right now.
Howard brought up Ralph and asked who is smarter, Ralph or Sal. Robin said that Ralph has to be. Howard said he thinks so too. Robin said it may not be by much. Howard said he'd give Sal plus 5 IQ points. Benjy took that bet. Robin didn't like the bet. Howard said he'd take Sal plus 10 points. Howard took the bet with Benjy for 50 bucks. Howard said he thinks that Ralph will beat Sal with the 5 points. Howard told Benjy he should just give him the money now based on Sal's math. Howard said he thought Sal had some math ability but he's an idiot across the board.
Howard said he's not even sure Sal has any abilities. He said he may have eaten the blocks they had to build. Howard asked if anyone else wanted to bet. Robin said they never settled the Jason and DePace bet.
DePace said take a bet against Jason with a 5 point spread. Howard said he'd do that. He said he's going to give Scott 5 on himself and say that Jason still beats him. They bet 50 bucks on that. Howard said he thinks he's spent like $10,000 this morning.
Robin asked why Jon Hein isn't betting. Howard said he's just holding on to every sheckle. Howard said he thought it was going to be a frenzy of betting this morning.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he wanted to do some under/overs. He said that he'd like to do an over/under with Richard of about 92. Howard said he would set it at 99 which is average intelligence. Gary asked what they think Sal is at if Richard is a 99. Howard said that he's got to be lower. They took some action on Sal for an over/under of 99. A lot of the guys said he'd be under. Benjy thought he was over so he took some action on that.
The caller asked if the spread between Richard and Sal would be greater than 5. Robin said that she'd take Richard in that. She said that the spread will be greater than 5. Howard and Fred agreed with Robin. Howard bumped it up to 10 points. Robin said she'd take that. Howard said he would too. He said he thinks Richard has a good 10 points over Sal. He said he wants to keep that alive so they can be reminded of it later. Howard took Sal plus 10.
The caller said they could bet who would be the most shocking. He said they could bet on whether or not Jason would be the highest. Howard said they could bet on whether or not anyone would cry.
Another caller said that they didn't bet on JD. Fred said he did bet on JD. Robin said they could bet on JD over Sal. Howard asked who she would pick. Robin and Howard said they'd go with JD over Sal.
Ralph came in and said he heard about some ridiculous bets. He went over some of them and took some action with Fred and with Benjy. He said that he'd take the bets with Sal against him too.
Ralph said Benjy has some of the most insane bets. He said that Richard is somehow getting people behind him but he grew up in a shack and pisses himself at concerts. He said he can't be that high.
Howard asked who is smarter, Sal or Richard? Ralph said he would lean toward Sal if there was a 5 point spread. Howard asked if he'd take action on that. Ralph said he'd take Sal with 5 points. Robin took that. Howard didn't believe that Ralph had any money with him. Ralph said he just stopped at the bank. He has money on him.
The caller said they should bet on who will cry. Howard said he wasn't sure about that. He said it was time to get the results now. He said that if anyone else wanted to bet they had to get in on it now.
They weren't really betting on who would be number 1. Tim Sabean then came in and said that he'd bet that Gary would be number 1. Howard took that, so did Robin. Fred said he would take it too and he wanted his money right now. Tim said he was only taking the bets with Howard and Fred. Robin was out. Howard said that Tim was just handing out 100s and Robin missed out.
Howard said he's betting that Robin is too slow. She said he didn't have headphones on so he didn't hear her. Howard asked if anyone else wanted to bet against Jason. No one was coming in.
Howard asked if anyone was willing to bet that High Pitch wasn't dull. Robin said they already bet on that. Ralph said he wanted to do 50 bucks on that. He said he thinks that JD is ''dull.'' Howard took that action. He said he'd take High Pitch. He said there is only one ''dull'' person so he's saying that is High Pitch. Howard said JD isn't dull. JD said High Pitch isn't that smart. He said people think he's more intelligent than he really is.
Fred was taking action on JD over Ralph. Ralph wondered why he would do that. He said he can actually form a sentence.
Gary said they have a pool going on out in the office. They're putting 10 bucks in on that and they're going to give the pot to the winner. Ralph said they have like 10 pools online. Ralph said that Sam Simon bought his bet against Scott DePace. He said Sam loves a bet so much he bought the bet for $200. Howard said that Scott thinks he'll beat Ralph by 10 points and he thinks he might take that bet. He said he'd go 50 on that one. Howard gave Ralph 10 points on himself.
Robin said that he's closing off the betting and he's going to ask Jason to set them up during the break with the breakdown. Robin was still willing to bet that Scott wasn't number 1. Howard asked if anyone was willing to bet that Scott was number 1. Scott said they've even talked him out of that. He said he might be number 2. He said that the top 3 can go either way. Mike Gange said he would bet that Scott is number 1. Howard and Robin took 50 on that. Fred asked if he wanted to take another 50. Ralph wanted in on that too.
Howard asked Jason to wright out every bet so they all know who bet on what. Benjy asked if they wanted to do an over/under on Jeff the Drunk. Howard said he'd put him around a 93 for an over/under. Benjy took the over on that. Howard took that bet. He said he thinks that he'll be around a 91. Ralph said he's not sure what they're thinking with Jeff. Robin said she has Jeff at ''Dull.'' Howard asked if anyone thinks Wendy isn't the lowest. No one was coming forward on that one.
Howard said it was time to close the betting. He said that it was now time to find out who scored what on this test.
Ralph said that Jimmy Kimmel sent him his rundown of what he thought was goofing to happen. Howard said he's shocked that Ralph is friends with Jimmy after what he said about him stealing bits from this show. Ralph found the email he got from Jimmy and he had Jason at number 1, Gary at 2, Ralph at 3. Howard cut him off and said he'd bet that Ralph isn't in the top 3. Ralph took that bet. Howard also said that he wanted to be paid today. Ralph said that he has money and he will pay.
Ralph said that Jimmy's list continued with JD at 4, Scott DePace at 5, Richard at 6, Jeff at 7, Sal at 8, High Pitch at 9 and Wendy in last.
Howard closed down the betting. He figured they had spent enough time on that. Scott wanted to bet that Ralph wasn't in the top 3. Robin took that and so did Ralph. Howard said there's no way Ralph is in the top 3.
Howard said Dominic Barbara wanted to bet on the total of all of the staffers but he had to shut down the betting. They went to break after that.
The Bottom 8 IQ Test Results. 07/29/10. 7:25am
After the break we heard a prank call Sal and Richard made using Ed McMahon audio clips. Fred also played Survivor's ''Eye of the Tiger'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and made up some lyrics to the song Fred was playing. He said it was time to find out the IQ test results. He said they'd figure out the betting later on. He said that all of the people who took the IQ test are in the studio standing there. They included Jeff the Drunk, High Pitch Eric, Wendy the Retard, Gary Dell'Abate, Jason Kaplan, Scott DePace, Ralph Cirella, Sal Governale, Richard Christy and JD Harmeyer. The only person not there was Wendy the Retard. Wendy was on the phone. Howard spoke to Wendy about her favorite part of the test which was the blocks.
Howard had Dr. Muggli and Dr. Sitt on the phone. They were the people who administered the IQ tests to the people involved. Dr. Sitt did 6 and Dr. Muggli did the others. Howard said that Ralph was distracted by Dr. Muggli's looks. Ralph said it took him a while to settle in. Dr. Muggli isn't married either. Howard said they are legitimate IQ testers. He said that everyone is very brave for taking this test.
High Pitch Eric said he was told that he didn't lose points for trying and he tried. Will said Jeff the Drunk was dripping sweat. Richard said there was snot on his arm or something. Howard asked the guys to give Jeff a chair to sit in. Jeff said he was nervous about the results. Robin said he wasn't even able to figure out how to take the napkins they handed him.
Scott DePace said that Jeff really stinks too. He said it was a combo of cigarettes and other smells. Jeff said he just took a shower 10 minutes before he got there. Howard said the smell was raw intelligence. Jeff said he did smoke too many cigarettes though. He said he's too fuckin' fat too. He said he quit smoking and got fat. He's up to 280 pounds. Jeff said that's why he started smoking again.
Jason said that Jeff has a second head growing out of the back of his neck. Jeff asked if he's a fucking science experiment or something. Howard asked who tested Jeff. Dr. Sitt said he did that one. He said it was 2 1/2 hours with a drunken Jeff.
Howard said that a lot of the guys in business aren't high IQ guys. He said that it doesn't measure how successful you'll be in life. Dr. Sitt agreed with him on that. He said that it doesn't mean you can't be a super star if you have a low IQ. Howard said he can be funny even without a high IQ.
The doctors let them know that everyone here has given approval to give out this information so they are not responsible for anything that they do after the results. Howard asked if anyone would be suicidal if they got a low score. Sal said he's already dead inside so he'll be fine.
Howard said he was going to give the lowest score first. Howard said that person is Wendy the Retard with a 61. Howard said that's pretty good for Wendy. He said that she tested higher than they expected. Wendy thanked him for that. Everyone was high fiving Sal for not coming in last. Howard said that according to the chart she is ''Mildly Retarded.'' Robin said she should be called Wendy the Mildly Retarded. Howard said she's actually feeble minded. Howard said that they could call her Wendy the Feeble Minded. The doctors didn't test Wendy, she had her's done down in Florida. Howard said that Wendy did very well. He let her off the phone after that.
Howard said the next stupidest person was... High Pitch Eric asked why Gary was staring at him. Howard said they think that he's going to be next. Jeff the Drunk said he thinks he beat Eric.
Howard then said that Scott DePace was the next lowest. He was just joking. The actual second lowest score was not Sal. He said it was actually High Pitch Eric with a 66. Gary said that was unbelievable. He was only 5 points smarter than Wendy. Gary was blown away by that. Howard said he just made a lot of money for a lot of people. He also lost Robin a lot of money. Howard said Eric is just ''feeble'' and not retarded.
Howard asked Eric who he thought he was going to beat. Jeff said that he thought he might be able to beat Scott DePace.
Will said that Dr. Muggli was afraid that Eric was being serious during the test. She said that it's hard for her to say based on his effort in the testing. She said that she was encouraging him to please try and put in effort. Howard said it sounds like he didn't try hard enough. Eric said he definitely tried his best. Howard said Dr. Muggli may think that he threw the test. Eric said he did try and he didn't throw the test.
Dr. Muggli said that people who score that low usually aren't able to work or live on their own without help. Howard asked if they think that he threw the test. Eric said he swears he tried his best on the test. Ralph said he only gets work because he scams people. Howard said that Eric must write checks and stuff. Eric said he pays his own bills but he uses his ATM card. Howard said that the doctor thinks he's higher level than he tested. Howard said he believes that he did try his hardest. Eric said the blocks were hard and so were some of the questions. Howard said he's impressed that Eric has gotten as far as he has with that low of an IQ. He's done very well.
Howard said now they can get to the fun stuff. Some people think that Jeff the Drunk might be next in the results. Howard said they haven't even gotten to the ''Dull'' person yet. Howard said he thought Eric would be dull but he's not even up to that level.
Howard said the next person on the list is going to be rated at ''dull.'' Howard said that person on the list, from the bottom up, with a score of 89, is not Ralph. Ralph said he scared him with that. It turns out it was Jeff the Drunk. Jeff said he's not dull. Howard said he is. Howard said he's at the top of dull but he is dull. He's a point away from being ''normal.'' Gary said he thought he was going to be higher than that.
Dr. Sitt said that the tests do require you to use your hands and he wasn't able to complete some of them. He said that he has to put that into account. He could have ended up being normal. Jeff said he is normal. Jeff said he's ordinary. Howard said he's not, he's extraordinary. Dr. Sitt said he thinks that Jeff did have some strong points in the test so he could have done better. Richard asked if Jeff could stop sweating now. Jeff said he can.
Howard said that it's fortunate for the staff that Wendy, Eric and Jeff didn't beat any of them. Howard said the next person on the IQ list with an IQ of 102, which is ''normal,'' was not Jason... was not Gary... Howard said he likes to see their faces when he mentions their names. Howard said that this is very much like American Idol when they buckle when their names are mentioned. Howard said the person is actually Sal Governale. Howard said he's normal. Sal said ''sure.'' Howard said he did beat Jeff. Sal said ''big fuckin' deal.'' He said he was at a loss for words. Richard gave him a hug. He said he hates to see him upset. He said over 100 is good. Howard said 102 is good. It's normal intelligence. Howard said that he lost 500 to Gary on that.
Sal said that it's ironic that he's being called ''normal'' in an IQ test. Sal said he thought that he was going to be between 89 and 105. He said he wasn't proud of that but he did okay. He said he hopes that Richard sweeps the whole thing. Sal said he just wanted to do well for himself. He said he still thinks that he's very creative. Dr. Sitt that this doesn't have anything to do with creativity. He said he did laugh during one of Sal's answers. He said that Sal is a very funny guy. Howard said he wasn't trying to be funny though.
Howard said he was going to move on to number 5. That person had a 106 IQ. Howard said they call Richard and Sal a team. He said that Richard isn't that close to Sal because he's not next in line. Howard said that Ralph makes fun of a lot of people. He said he brags that he's so smart but people question him. He said he's not that close to Sal either. Howard said that Gary and Sal often have words and Sal calls him a Horse Tooth Jackass. Howard said that it wasn't Gary. Jason, JD and Scott were next on that list. Howard said that it was actually JD with the 106.
Howard said it's normal intelligence to have a 106. JD said he's fine with that. Scott DePace said that they took an online IQ test and JD scored a 106. Scott said that he scored a 126 on that same test. Howard said that he wants to take his bets back. Howard asked Sal if he thought that he was going to beat JD. Sal said he didn't think so.
Howard said that they have Ralph, Richard, Gary, Jason and Scott left on the list. Howard said the person with an IQ of 112, which is ''Superior intelligence,'' would be... Dr. Sitt and Dr. Muggli said that's actually ''high average.'' That goes up to 119. Howard said his chart was dumb apparently. Howard said the person who was high average with 112 was not Richard or Gary. Howard said it wasn't Scott so it was Ralph. Ralph has a 112 IQ.
Howard said that Ralph has been calling Richard a retard for a long time but it turns out he's got a higher IQ. Ralph said he still thinks that he's retarded even if he did get a higher IQ. Howard said that Richard must feel good. Richard said he feels awesome already. Robin said that she's been telling them that Richard is really smart. Richard thanked her for that. Howard said that Richard is getting even further away from Sal now. He's sharing the room with someone with an IQ much lower than his.
Ralph asked if he did well at anything. Sal said he did well at suckin' dick. Dr. Muggli said that he did very well in some parts of the test. He tested superior in perceptual reading or something like that. Howard asked Dr. Muggli if she would go out with Ralph based on that. She said it's not just based on his IQ. Ralph said he'd call her later.
Sal said he likes working with one of the smartest guys on the staff. Richard said when it comes to making prank calls they're at the same intelligence.
Howard said that Gary must be relieved that he's higher than Ralph. Gary said he's happy where they're getting to in the scores.
Howard said that they had Richard, Gary, Jason and Scott left to get to. Howard said he has looked at the results. Robin said that these are his decision makers. Howard said she's right. They are his cabinet.
Gary said Sal reminds him of the retards in the movies who say ''I'm normal too!'' when he's bragging about being average. Gary said he's thinking that he could be the under achiever in this. Howard asked Robin who she thinks will be eliminated next. Robin said it could be Scott DePace. Jeff thinks it's Jason. Eric thinks it's DePace. Sal thinks it's Gary. Eric asked Howard what's going through his mind. Howard said he's thinking about how he wants to retire.
Howard said the person with an IQ of 117. Howard asked Jason if he'd be okay with that score. Jason said he'd like to be number one. Howard said that Jason is not the 117. Howard said that Gary isn't either. Scott said that he's not the 117 either. It was Richard Christy with the 117. Howard said that he knew Richard had some intelligence with that drumming ability. He said that's kind of a math type of thing.
Ralph asked Dr. Muggli where Richard did better than him. Dr. Muggli said that it's hard to say where he was better.
Howard said that Scott DePace has been pretty confident. Scott said it's going back up now. He was down for a while. Howard said that Gary is sweating like a pig. Gary said it was hot in there. Howard said he's in the top 3. Gary just wanted it to be over. Scott said maybe they should take a break.
Howard asked who people think is going to be eliminated next. Jeff and Eric said Scott. Sal said Gary would be next. Richard said that Jason is out next. He said that he thinks he was very nervous about it and that affects the test. Howard asked JD who he thinks. JD said he's going to say Jason based on life experience. Fred said it's too close to call now. He said that he'd like Scott to be out next. Robin said she would too.
Howard said that the next person, with an IQ of 118, was not Gary. Howard said that it was either Scott or Jason. Jason said they're head to head now. Scott said that the general knowledge questions shouldn't have been in the test. Howard said that Scott and Jason think they're smarter than one another. Howard said that Jason is not smarter than Scott DePace. Jason had the 118. Jason said he's fine with that number. Howard said he had $1,000 on Scott and he took that off. He said Scott talks like a moron.
Howard said that it came down to Scott and Gary. Richard said that Jason was close to crying. Jason said he can't win anything. He said he always comes close but he always loses. Howard said he wanted to beat Scott so bad. Jason said he really did. Scott was laughing and said that this is so great. He said that he loves that he's not good at anything and he lost this. He was laughing at him over that.
Howard said that the final two were Gary and Scott DePace. Howard said the result is shocking because they thought it was going to be Scott and Jason standing there. Gary asked what the two numbers were. They were 121 and 122. They were both of Superior Intelligence. Gary said he can't believe that Scott is superior. Ralph said that he's pulling for Gary in this.
Sal asked if they could take one more bet and have the loser submit to a tea bagging. Gary said he has nothing to win with that so he's not going to take that bet. Howard said it proves that Sal is dopey and that he's gay.
Howard asked Fred who he thinks is going to win. Fred said he'd give it to Gary. Howard said that it's just one point. He could have just been having a bad day. Dr. Sitt said that is right.
Howard said the person with the bragging rights is going to be... Howard kept them in suspense and asked Gary what he would think if he was first. Gary said he wasn't going to say. He knows he's going to rip it out from under him if he says he'd be so happy. Howard then said he'd give them the results after a break.
The Top 2 IQ Test Results. 07/29/10. 8:20am
After the break Howard came back and said that they're down to the top 2 IQ test results. He went over the rest of the list which went like this:
Gary said that he has to talk about Ralph. He said that yesterday Ralph called him a dummy for giving out 3 of the answers on the Wrap Up Show but he still came in more than 10 points below him. Ralph said he thought Gary was going to be in the top 3. He said he still thinks he's smarter than Gary too.
Howard said that Gary and Scott are walking around like they're Tinkerbell. Howard asked Jason if he's going to stop arguing with Scott now. Jason said that it's all over. He can never argue with him again.
Howard said the big surprise was Richard. He said that everyone seemed to be surprised by that. Howard said that the shocker is that Scott and Gary are basically in a statistical dead heat. Robin said there are people praying that Scott loses. Scott asked how she knows that. Robin said that's what people are telling her.
Howard said Doug was congratulating Gary and saying he hoped it was him but then he found out that Doug was doing the same to Scott. Robin said there are people praying that Scott doesn't get this.
Howard said that anyone in this classification is of ''Superior Intelligence.'' Dr. Sitt said this is definitely the big game here. Howard said he should bring this to TV as a game show. Ralph said that Leno will probably be doing it tomorrow night.
Howard said this is where they find out who is the smartest. Howard said that Scott thinks he's very bright. He wondered if he thinks that he's smarter than Gary. Scott said he knows Gary is good at memory stuff. Howard said that one of them has twice the brain power of Wendy the Retard. Robin said that doesn't really matter. Howard said he's just giving the statistics.
Howard asked Scott and Gary if they think they won. Neither one was sure. Howard said that Jason still lost. Jason said that's a shock, even 31 years later. Robin said she thinks that Gary won. Howard said that Robin would be... someone who guessed some right and some wrong.
Howard broke the news to Gary that he lost to Scott DePace. DePace was thrilled. He told him to suck it. Robin said this is what everyone was afraid of. They were afraid that he was going to win and beat everyone up with this. Scott said he's really happy about beating Jason.
Howard thanked Dr. Sitt and Dr. Muggli for helping. Ralph said that Dr. Muggli said that he could come back and go over the results. Dr. Muggli asked if he was dreaming when he heard her ask him out. Ralph said he may have been. Here are the final results:
Howard went over the results of Gary and Scott's tests and read about where they came out in the different segments of the tests. They were just one point off in the end though. Howard said that Eric came out kind of low and no one believes he took the test for real. Eric said he did. Howard told him he should say he didn't with a score that low. Eric said he did try. Howard said he should go out with Wendy based on that. Eric said that he did go out with her in Vegas. He said they even kissed.
Howard said that Scott must feel good. Scott said he does. He congratulated Gary with his score because that really surprised him.
Gary asked what the margin of error is. Dr. Sitt said there's a 5 percent margin. That could swing the test 5 points. Howard asked if Scott will mentor Jason now. Scott laughed and said he tries to do that all the time but Jason doesn't understand it.
Howard asked JD if he was surprised. JD said he had a glimmer of hope that he'd be the 122. He got some laughs when he said that.
Howard said that some of the guys had a crush on Dr. Muggli. Some of the guys may have had a crush on Dr. Sitt. Howard asked Eric if he was. Eric said he wasn't with him. Jeff said he had a great ass.
Howard said that Scott may have brainier things to do now. He may not want to even direct the show anymore. Howard asked if he was going to be on the Wrap Up Show today gloating. He said he's not sure he's welcome on there.
Howard said Jason has said that Scott isn't that bright because of the Video Caddy that he invented. Scott said he just came up with a new idea this morning on his way into work. He said it's a putting machine. The guys said that there aren't enough of those out there.
Howard gave some plugs to the doctors. You can check out Dr. Sitt at MindfulConsultingGroup.com and DrSitt.com. Dr. Muggli is at PsychologyToday.com. Howard wrapped up with the guys a short time later and went to another break.
IQ Test Betting Post Game Wrap Up. 07/29/10. 8:50am
After the break we heard a prank call the guys made to a guy using Joe Frazier audio clips. Fred also played The Rolling Stones ''Angie'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said that Robin lost $500 in the betting. He said that she was out there in the hall just handing money out. She almost gave Richard $100 for a bet she didn't even have. Robin said that Sal asked her for the 100 and she went to give it to Richard because he's smarter.
Howard said that Robin lost a lot on Jeff the Drunk. Robin said that she was duped. She said that Eric is a high functioning retard.
Howard said he knows he owes money and he wants to know what he lost and won. Jon said that Gary won $900. He had a big bet with Howard. Howard owes him $500 on the bet about Sal being smarter than Richard. Howard said he's only in the hole for $350.
Jon ran down the list and told Howard what he owes to Robin and some other people. Howard asked if he could pay it all out for him. Jon said he'd do that. He said that the big winner was Gary. Scott DePace won $300. He could have won 200 more if he hadn't had the push in the last bet. He won by 10 points and it was a 10 point spread. Howard said that it was ''at least 10 points.'' Ralph said it's even. He said that they said it was a 10 point spread and that's exactly what it was.
Ralph said that Fred owes him 100 for the bet about JD. He beat JD pretty good. Scott asked about the bet he had with Ralph but Howard told them to take it off the air. Howard said if they listen to the audio then they might have a different outcome. Ralph said that Jon Hein even wrote down ''push'' on the bet card.
Jon said that Howard won $100 from Tim Sabean who thought Gary was going to be the winner. Jon said that Howard should give him $1000 and he'll get back $650.
Howard said that this was really upsetting for Jason. He said that he still looks like he's going to cry. Will came in and said that this might be a life changing thing for Jason. JD came in and said that Jason had to up his meds when he's lost at other things. Jason said he really wanted to win. He said he was very close. Jason said he's very happy with the IQ score but he's upset. Scott was laughing at him. Jason said he wasn't the one pumping himself up either. He said everyone else was pumping him up. Jason also said that he can't up his medication. He said he's maxed out already. Jason said that this was it for him. He said that there are no other tests that he's going to have a chance to win.
Ralph came in and said that he had some bets with Howard that he wanted to settle up on. Howard told him to go settle up with Jon Hein since he has his money.
Howard said he's going to make up a hairy back contest just so Jason can win. Robin said someone else would probably come in and win that.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who said that he wasn't hearing many congratulations for Gary. Howard said he and Robin did during the break. Howard said he's kept Gary there for how many years now too. Dominic thinks that Howard and Robin should do the IQ test. Howard said that they already talked about it. Dominic said that he's tested at a 156. Dominic would like to test again and put money up for charity. Howard said he's not going to do that. Howard said he was tested as a kid and he came out pretty high but not as high as Gary or Scott.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this was one of the greatest shows in a long time. He said that he wasn't able to move listening to it. He said the next level should be guys like Angry Black vs. King of All Blacks. Howard said they will do it again with more people.
The caller said that Richard should be dressed as a professor when he gets his balls licked on the show. Howard said he's looking at some of the guys much differently today.
Another caller asked if they explained to Sal what just happened in the studio today. He said that all this time they thought he was tricking Richard into sucking his dick. Now it turns out that Richard was the one doing it. The caller went off on Scott DePace too and said that he's still not smart. Scott said he's the smartest one there... ''nah, nah!'' The caller said if he was smart he wouldn't have come up with a ''clamp'' as his Video Caddy.
Howard said no one can argue with Scott now. Howard said this whole thing was a mistake... a big mistake. Howard said the guy on the phone wanted to yell at Scott and he really can't. Scott said even if he lost he would argue.
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston who said he was impressed with Gary. He asked if this is going to affect the way he interacts with people like Richard. Howard said he will probably change. Howard said that he may have to listen to Gary more when he suggests something.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and talked about how smart Gary is and how he should have won. She said that they'll never be able to live with Scott after that. She asked if she could be in the IQ test next. Howard said he doesn't think anyone cares how smart she is. Scott said he sure doesn't care. Mariann started to yell at him but Howard hung up on her.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Richard is a fantastic drummer and he should get more credit for what he does. Howard said that it does show some kind of mathematical intelligence.
Robin asked Howard if he's changed his views on anyone. Howard said he thought Sal was going to be smarter until he tried to do math early this morning. Then he thought he was going to be stupider.
Another caller said that it's going to be tough to call Gary names now that he's come out so smart. Howard said he doesn't think that will keep them from making fun of him. He said that they won't be able to call him stupid anymore though. Howard said he really didn't think he was going to be in the top 3. Howard asked how he could be so smart and not know that the character's name is Baba Louie.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he hopes he sticks around there at SIRIUS. They spent a minute talking about the test results too.
Another caller said that High Pitch Eric is the genius because he just showed how incompetent he is so he can sue his family. Howard said that Eric dropped that case. He said Eric came to him later and said that he really did try his hardest in the test. Howard said he was trying to help him out by telling him to say he didn't try that hard.
Howard took a call from a guy using audio clips of Gary saying that he's an idiot and stupid. It was actually Sal in the back goofing on Gary. Howard said Sal is going to keep that going. Sal said absolutely. Sal had a conversation with the Gary clips and had him calling himself stupid. Howard said Richard might be upset that he's so much smarter than Sal.
Is Ralph A Geek? 07/29/10. 9:15am
Another caller asked if he's reevaluating Rush Limbaugh's intelligence based on Scott. Howard said he has always said that Scott is intelligent. He said that he can still argue with him. Howard said it's possible that he's way smarter than Scott so he can keep thinking that as long as he didn't take that test.
The caller also said that Ralph isn't a real geek either. Howard said he's right about that. He said Ralph can get pussy when he wants. Ralph came in and said that he can't believe he has to defend himself on this. He said that he is into some geeky things but maybe he's not a full on geek. He said he has a life sized Iron Man mask in his apartment. That's pretty geeky.
Howard said he was reading about the movie ''Inception'' and how the director, Christopher Nolan, has some Joker masks in his office. He said he's hear about the stuff he has and the stuff that JJ Abrams has in his office. Ralph said that Jon Favreau has a full sized Iron Man costume in his office.
Howard said that he found out what happened to his DVD player. He said they tell him that it was defective. He said he pays top dollar for everything and this thing was broken the first time out of the box. He said he was all set to watch ''Resident Evil'' and he couldn't watch it.
Howard said that he's been trying to watch The Real L Word with Beth. He doesn't like the show but he wants to watch it with Beth. He said that one of the women looks like the Predator because of her dreads. He said the lesbians are really boring on the show though.
Howard said he heard that Ralph ran into Richard's office calling him a dummy. Ralph said he just wanted to see the test breakdown. He hasn't seen it yet. Howard had it there so he went over that with Ralph.
Ralph wanted Fred to pay up on his bet but Fred said that he should get it from Tim Sabean. He said that he's not going to pay Ralph directly. Ralph said he has to pay him directly. Howard said he really should pay him directly. Fred said he's not going to be lectured by Ralph. Howard told Ralph to get out. He said that really wasn't cool to Fred. Fred said he'll pay off his bet to anyone. He said he will get his money because he's not going anywhere.
Wendy The Retard Upset About IQ Results. 07/29/10. 9:25am
Wendy the Retard called in and said she knew she'd be the stupidest one. Howard said she had a high score. Howard said she should feel good. Howard said he's dumber than most of those people. She said she was hoping she'd beat Richard. Howard said she almost passed High Pitch Eric. Howard said she's not even fully retarded. Howard said she's too smart.
Wendy said she wanted to prove to Richard that she was smarter than him. Howard told her she's doing fine. He said she's way smarter than he thought she'd be. Howard said she shouldn't care about Richard because he licks Sal's balls. She said she didn't know that.
Wendy said that she knows that Sal beat her in bowling and she wants to do that again. Howard said he might be able to set that up. Howard said that they could have Retarded vs. Barely Normal Intelligence at bowling. Wendy said that she has a high score of 150 without bumpers. Howard sounded shocked by that. Sal said he'll bowl left handed and beat that bitch. Wendy said that Sal is going down because she has a feeling she can beat his butt. Sal said that Wendy shoves tomatoes up her ass and eats them. Wendy told him he doesn't know jack crap.
Howard asked Wendy how she knows her score. She said she has the scores and she adds them up herself. She said she keeps copies of her scores at home. Howard said he may bet on Wendy. Sal said he's making a mistake because he's an awesome bowler. He said he'd bowl with his hard cock and beat her. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Craig Gass Sits In For The News. 08/08/2002. 9:05am
Howard introduced another mystery guest for Robin's birthday celebration. It was ''Gene Simmons'' (comedian Craig Gass, IHateComedians.com) who said a few words to Robin. Howard then introduced Craig and said that he got a part on ''Sex and the City'' that airs this Sunday night. Craig said that he plays the part of ''the fat guy'' who's dating Miranda. Artie wondered how he's getting ''fat guy'' roles and he's not. Craig said he's gained a bit of weight but he's not that big. Howard said he's not disturbingly fat so it's believable that he'd date this chick.
The Ghost of Robin's Father called in to wish her a happy birthday. It turned out to be Sal the Stockbroker who managed to get the delay button hit on him.
Howard said Craig was running around the station saying that he turned down a network development deal worth ''hundreds of thousands of dollars.'' Craig said that he only told John about it and it wasn't ''hundreds of thousands.'' Howard told him that's like running around telling the whole station. Craig said he's got other stuff in the works and he didn't want to commit to just one network. He said the deal would have meant that he could only appear on that network and he didn't want that. He mentioned something about HBO wanting to do some movies with him and stuff like that. Meanwhile, Howard pointed out that he'll be appearing at Uncle Funnies in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida from August 14th to the 18th. Howard moved on to Robin's news and had Craig and Dave Chappelle hang out to comment on stuff.
Daniel Carver from the KKK called in to wish Robin a happy birthday. He had nothing bad to say about her today. Howard said this is the first time he's been on the show that it seems he actually likes Robin. Daniel said she's never done anything to him and he can't say anything bad about her. He said he also likes George Jefferson and Eddie Murphy too because they make him laugh.
Howard asked Daniel if the KKK could remove his hood if other members found out he's wishing Robin a happy birthday. Howard gave Daniel a hypothetical situation and asked if all of the black people had to be sent back to Africa tomorrow, would Robin have to go. He said she'd have to go and so would Eddie Murphy and George Jefferson. He said he wouldn't even write to her.
Howard was still impressed with the progress Daniel has made since he was able to call in and wish her a happy birthday. Howard said this is also the first time Daniel hasn't used ''the N-word'' on the air. Robin used it so Daniel pointed that out and got a laugh out of it. Daniel said he's 52 years old and also said that if Robin is 50, and she's black, she probably won't live much longer.
Howard said he was almost thinking Daniel was calling in from the Martin Luther King center. Artie started quoting some of the stuff Daniel mentioned in the message Howard played earlier. That started to get him revved up so Howard wanted to cut him off before he got carried away.
Howard got off the phone with Daniel and talked about how amazing it was that he didn't say ''the N-word.'' He's still a racist but it seems that he's taking ''baby steps'' toward getting over his racism.
And Finally... 08/08/2002. 9:40am
After taking a break Howard talked to Dave about his new TV show that he's going to have on Comedy Central. Dave told him about what it was going to be like and described it as a ''weird show'' with bits and sketches. He said that it's going to be starting up in January and he'll be moving back to the city to shoot it.
Dave said that they might be shooting some stuff at the comedy clubs in the city. Howard told him to let him know when he's there so he can come check him out.
Craig Gass told Howard that Dave is the funniest guy out there right now too. Howard didn't know what voice he was doing with that comment. Craig had to go into his Sam Kinison after that. Howard asked Craig about doing Sex and the City and what he gets to do in his scenes. He said that he gets to do some sex scenes and it gets pretty graphic. Howard had Craig do some of his other impressions like his Al Pacino.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. She read through a few more stories while Craig and Dave stuck around. Craig did some more of his Sam Kinison voice during some of the stories.
Howard took a few more mystery calls for Robin. He had Michael Buffer and a few others call in with some quick birthday wishes. Howard also had this guy Mike come in before they ended the show. Mike said that he wanted to tell Robin how lovely he finds her. He said he had some sweaty palms this morning so Howard told him to wipe them on KC's crotch.
Mike told the guys that the show keeps him going and it really means a lot to him. He brought in some flowers for Robin so Howard thanked him for that.
Howard took a call from a wheezing Sal the Stockbroker who was pretending to be Mohammad Ali. A few more people called in with birthday wishes and then Howard wrapped up the show. He thanked Dave for coming in and thanked a few other people who called in.
Today's unnamed vacation special was over around 10:15am.
Steve said that people don't seem to want to travel today. He said he got on a subway and he was laughing listening to a comedy podcast. He said there was a little person on the train and he made eye contact when he was laughing. He said he knew the guy thought that he was laughing at him. He said he was just going to continue to smile and look around the train. Steve said the guy was rude to another person on the train. He said he cut in front of one guy to get off the train and he got booted in the shin as he was stepping out and it turns out it was the little guy. Steve said that doesn't usually happen to him and especially not with a little person. He said he was thinking about Peter Dinklage in Elf when that happened.
Jon asked if it all could have been in his head. Steve said he thinks it was in that guy's head. He said it wasn't a mistake. He said the guy was looking at him evilly. He said that guy got mad at a woman who was leaning on his seat the wrong way. He said that the guy was a jerk to her and he was a jerk to him too so it made sense to him.
Richard said he knows a guy who won't get tucked in by elves this year. Steve said he just wants to say that this was just one guy and not every little person. Jon said there is no excuse for that kind of behavior on any kind of mass transit. Richard said especially not on Thanksgiving.
Richard said he was excited to take the test and he knows that his grammar isn't the best. He said he does goofy things on the show and he thought he did pretty good. He said it could have gone either way.
Jon played a clip of Howard reading the results of Richard's test. Jon said that Ralph still insists that he can't be 5 points higher with his IQ test. Richard said he was just one point behind Jason. He said he felt bad for Jason. He said he really did look like he was going to tear up.
Jon said with Jason it's a compliment. He said people thought he'd do much better. He said a lot of people thought Richard was going to do worse so that's kind of insulting. Richard said the nature of his job is to be a goofball. He said Jason is into politics and stuff and he just keeps his beliefs to himself. Richard said he doesn't think anyone cares what he thinks.
Jon said they test all kinds of knowledge in that IQ test. He said that there are some people like Sal and JD who didn't do all that great. He said Sal at a 102 was just slightly higher than Jeff the Drunk who had an 89. Richard said Sal is so witty and quick though. He said an IQ test doesn't tell you everything. He said the IQ test you can't take totally as gospel.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Richard if he was surprised to see how smart he was compared to everyone. Richard said he was. He said not everyone gets to take an IQ test like that and he was happy to do it. He said he didn't go to college and he may not have even taken his SATs. He said that he has never had anything to measure how smart he is.
The caller said he knows Howard won't take the IQ test but he wonders if he won't score well. Steve said not taking the test shows that he is the smartest one there. Jon said that he thought he would do better himself. He said he doesn't doubt his level of intelligence though. He said he thinks that people are intelligent in different ways. Jon said they had to take a break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that people's IQs drop as you get older. He said that he thinks that we settle in and they drop off as you age. He said he likes Richard and he thinks that Sal has been sabotaging him since day one. He said he thinks that his work with him isn't that great and he'd like to see him work with an intern and have Sal work with someone else and see what the outcome is. He said he thinks that Sal brings him down. He hates Sal. Jon said that he's talking about a man's wife. He said the caller isn't the only one who says that. Richard said he thinks that Sal is a comedy genius. He said he improves everything he does by giving him feedback. He said they don't always do stuff together either. He said they do stuff with other people there. He said they already kind of do their separate things.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks Richard has this reputation for being slow but maybe it's just his accent that makes him seem that way. Richard said he has always talked really slow. He said his nickname was ''slow'' in high school. Jon asked Richard how that came about. Richard said he thinks it was Sophomore year and they had a party. He said his buddy Doug told him they should start calling him ''Slow'' so they did. He said people still call him that back home. He said in Florida he's called ''Flash.'' He said that's from when he was an electrician and he blew out a junction box and melted his pliers.
Jon asked if he has any nicknames up there. Richard said before that he had one in Wichita and they called him Creature there. He said it was shortened to Creach. He said his 7th grade science teacher called him Dick but that was just short for Richard. He said his wife calls him Sporty but that's about it.
Jon asked Richard about the guy who called him Slow. Richard said the guy was so big that he had to take the seat out of his car because it didn't go back far enough.
Jon asked Steve if he has any nicknames. Steve said just ''Stevie B.'' Jon said that people make fun of his last name. He said most people use both of his names when they refer to him because his name is so short. He said he and JD call each other G and T. He said there's a long story behind that. Richard said that he has a nickname for Jon which is Berk. Jon said that's a reference to Revenge of the Nerds. He said they both call each other something from that movie. He said he calls Richard Elton.
Jon said with the IQ test there they felt obligated to take the tests. He said that he thinks Gary was just worried about beating DePace in the test. He said that DePace held it over Gary's head for 5 years. He said that Jason really was devastated by how he did. Richard said he thinks he did. He said that he really is smart. He said he knows so much more about politics and current events than he does. He said he doesn't think IQ points matter that much.
Richard said he thinks that Wendy was so sweet for getting mad at him for doing better than she did. Richard said they talk about horror movies together and he thinks she thought they were going to be close. Jon said they were only 56 points off. He said they're not that far off. Jon said there are different kinds of smart. He said that Richard is being humble there. He said if you throw Jason out on a farm in Missouri then they'll see how smart he is. He said that there are different forms of intelligence. He said this one tests certain skills.
Jon said they say you're supposed to take this at a very young age. He said you learn some stuff as you age. He said that he didn't know it drops as you get older though. Richard said he thinks playing drums a lot helped him out. He said he thinks that helps with math and that stuff. Jon said they had to take a break after that.
Jon took a call from Ralph who said that there really was only a 3 point difference between him and Richard. He said there's a factor of 2 in the error rate. Jon said it could be 7 then. Ralph got a laugh out of that. Ralph said he thinks that he could do better if they took the test again. He said he thinks that he's smarter than Richard.
Jon said Ralph has said it so many times that he can't believe he was beaten by Richard. Ralph said he loves Richard but there are times that he odes things that make him seem like an idiot. He said he thinks that he's retarded at times. Richard said there are a lot of successful people who have eccentricities. Richard said he's not saying he's that successful though.
Ralph asked the guys if they went to the meeting where they break down the results. Jon said he didn't. Ralph said he did and it was really interesting. Steve said if they were as smart as Ralph is they would have. Ralph explained what they do to figure out the score and how they figure it all out.
Jon asked Ralph about Howard taking the results and making a game of it. He said he takes those scores to heart. He said he thinks Richard is brighter because of it and Sal and Jason aren't up there. Ralph said he thinks that he may think more about the people who come up dumb instead of the smarter ones. Ralph said he only has a 112 IQ so maybe he's wrong.
Richard asked if they play brain games to make themselves smarter. Ralph said he never does. Jon said he used to play games in Games magazine. Shuli was in and he said he never did that. Richard asked if his pages are all stuck together.
Jon asked Ralph if he saw the Star Wars trailer. Ralph said he hasn't seen it. He said it's not supposed to be out until Friday. Jon said he saw it and it looks fantastic. Jon said he'd send it to him. Ralph told him to send it to him now and get off the air. Ralph said he knows this movie is going to be fantastic. He said that they are going to make $600 billion with that movie. He said he saw Birdman and that was great. Richard said he's looking forward to Jurassic World. Ralph said that they have a full bar at the theater down in Tampa. He said Richard would love that. Jon said he thinks that Richard would bring his own either way.
Shuli said now he knows why Richard sees movies 30 times. He said one of those times he's not drunk and he actually takes it in.
Jon let Ralph go and took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Howard should re-sign with Sirius and he should start the show later. Jon said that came up a couple of months ago and maybe they will work something out. He said they'd all like him to keep doing the show. Jon said he thinks with the replays it doesn't matter when the show starts. He said they replay it all day and all weekend.
Jon took a call from a guy whose name was Ashley. The guys were all saying they were expecting something else when they picked up. Ashley asked how they do their thanksgiving. Richard said he just does whatever Riley Martin says to do. Jon asked Shuli what he does. Shuli said he calls it ''a Wife.'' He said she puts it all together and she's a godsend. He said he loves that woman.
Jon asked Richard what he's doing. Richard said his wife's family is doing it this time. He said that they will be having turkey and a honey baked ham. Steve Brandano said he's not a great cook so someone else will handle it. He said he's not a big fan of the food on Thanksgiving. He said people just make fun of him all day about not liking certain foods. He said he likes the family aspect of the whole thing.
Richard said the very first Thanksgiving they had ''lawbsta'' and asked Steve if he likes that. He was doing his bad Boston impression. He was talking about what they did up there in Boston back then with that awful accent. Steve said he keeps nailing that accent. Richard did a British accent too. He did that and it was just as bad.
Jon thanked everyone for tuning in. He got in a plug for the Graham Nash special that's on today at 3pm on Howard 101. Jon said he'll be playing some tunes and playing some music off the Crosby Stills and Nash best of album.
Jon asked Shuli what he had in the Howard 100 News. Shuli went over a couple of headlines for today's news. He got in a plugs for today's Leiberman Live and Jon got in a plug for today's Sternthology. The guys got in some of their personal plugs and they ended the show around 11:05am.
Gary's Stent Removal Story. 06/11/09. 6:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: ''Fly Me With Balloons'' song parody about Eric the Midget, Staind performing ''True Colors'' live in the Howard Stern Show studio.
Howard started the show asking Robin about her arm. Robin said it's getting better. Howard asked about Gary's Stent removal too. He said he heard he was in excruciating pain. Robin wasn't sure how that works. She said if they traumatize the area taking it out then how does it work.
Gary said he's a pussy. He said that it was horrible. He said he and Steve Langford drove up to Connecticut to the doctor's office to get the procedure done. Gary said they were sitting in the doctor's office and didn't explain who Steve was.
Gary said he went into an office and he had to take off everything from the waist down. The nurse, who was attractive, stepped out. She told him to put something on his lap to cover up. Gary said he started looking at the instruments in the room and he started thinking about what they could be for. Howard said that reminds him of a Star Trek episode where they talked about the instruments they used to use as being barbaric.
Gary said there were some tubes hanging and a liquid that looked like it could be used. He said he stated to freak out about it. Gary said they took this thing off his lap and the nurse was in there and his dick was so shrunken that he had to pull it out.
Howard asked Gary what was going on because he didn't understand. He went through the story again and asked about being nude from the waist down. Gary said the nurse took the thing off his lap so he was nude from the waist down.
Howard asked Gary about being on the table. Gary said his penis was so small that he couldn't find it. It was retracted because he hadn't had anything sexual going on in 20 days or so. He had to pull it out because it was hiding. He was also embarrassed in front of this girl.
Gary said the doctor came in and explained what was going to go on. They wiped the head of his penis to get him ready. He said he started to freak out and they asked him to calm down. It was a numbing gel they were putting on him.
Gary said he looked down and started to freak out again. He said they were going to insert something in there so he was squirming around. He said the doctor kept telling him to calm down. He said the guy got really stern with him too. He said he might have to bring him next door to the hospital and knock him out.
Gary said he tried to take it easy. The nurse told him to take deep breaths. He said Steve was out in the waiting room at the time. Gary said he didn't bring the recorder into the room with him though. He said he didn't think they'd want it in there.
Gary said he was breathing hard and going nuts so then he sees them going into his penis with a camera. He had to go in there to see what he was going to pull out. Howard asked Gary why they don't knock him out for this. Gary said they were in there for an hour blasting so that's why he was knocked out for that.
Gary said he could feel a burning when the camera was in there. He said it wasn't so painful. He said it was just uncomfortable and odd feeling. He said that was weird and then he said they were pulling it out and Gary was clawing onto the table. He said it didn't hurt but it didn't feel good. He said he's not sure how they pulled it out.
Gary said he thinks he felt liquid on him and the he saw that it was about 12 inches long. He said the doctor explained to him how it worked. It was pulled out and he felt like he had been raped. He said it was a horrible feeling.
Gary said he got dressed and they all left the room. Gary said he had something to cover up with while they left the room. Gary said they told him not to pee before he got there so he went to pee after. He said it hurt really bad and burned. He said they had to make sure he could pee after that.
Howard asked if he screamed. Gary said he just groaned. He said he walked out and Langford was waiting for him. Howard asked Gary if he's going to change his diet now. Gary said the doctor told him that he has to come back and talk about his diet. He said he has to pee in something for 24 hours to find out what he has to change in his diet yet because of that.
Gary said he left and met up with Langford. Langford kept his mic on the whole time. He said Langford never stops or says he's done. He just wants him to keep talking. He said he dropped Steve off at the train station and then he went home.
Gary said he went home and it was like 4 o'clock. He said he didn't feel bad so he was going to go to his son's baseball game. Then he felt a pain in his stomach. He said it was getting worse and worse. Gary said he was going to take a pill to get over the pain. He said it kept getting worse. He said he emailed his doctor and he told him to call him.
Gary said that the doctor told him that he might still have a fragment in there. He said he had the pain of a kidney stone. Gary said he passed part of a stone around 10 last night and the pain went away. He said he went through all of that shit and still went through the pain of passing a stone.
The guys told Gary that story was awful. Howard said some of this stuff is hereditary and he knew a guy who used to pass those things on a regular basis. Howard said the guy looked healthy and he was passing them almost every day. Robin said she's seen people crying and unable to walk because of them. Howard said this guy would be writhing in pain on the floor.
Gary said walking around was better than laying down for him. He said he had to do that to get over the pain. Howard told him that he should be thin by next week if he changes his diet.
Howard said that to top off all of that for Gary the Mets lost. Gary said that's true. Howard said he's glad Gary is feeling better. Gary said he can pee now and it's not as bad as it was. Gary said he had all of these x-rays, CAT scans and operations and he still had to pass that stone.
Gary said he was all naked there having this procedure done with a tiny penis and that wasn't fun. Howard said he's seen Gary naked before and he has a pretty good sized penis. He said he'd be even smaller than Gary if he had to do that. He said they could have sent Gary to the gynecologist after seeing that. Artie said if he can change his diet then Gary can change his.
Howard said he was talking to Scott DePace about prostate examinations and the doctor has to stick his finger in your ass when you do that. Scott told him that he would never get that done. Howard said you have to have that done. Scott won't do it. Howard said if he gets cancer and doesn't know it, it's worse than having a finger up your ass. He said that's why he was telling Scott that.
Scott said he just turned 40 and there is no history of that in his family so he's going to wait. Howard said he should just get it done. Artie has had it done.
Howard told Scott he might go through a living hell if he doesn't get this done. He said that he should welcome the finger in there. Artie said he would let Nicole Bass ass fuck him with a dildo to avoid cancer.
Sal And JD Discussions. 05/05/09. 7:45am
Howard said Gary got him all worked up during the break earlier. He said that Gary pointed out that Sal only emails Beth and no one else on the show. Howard said Gary also pointed out that Sal said that Howard won't answer his emails so he has to email Beth. Howard said that Sal is such a suck up.
Howard said Sal had to send an email about what he and Beth were fighting about so they could get that whole thing going again.
Howard said JD used a term on the Wrap Up Show that no one knew. He said ''rub up'' and no one had a clue what he was talking about. Howard played that clip and said that they were figuring that maybe he meant to say ''brouhaha'' or something. Robin said that she thought it was ''Hubbub'' or something like that. JD came in and said that he meant to say ''hubbub.''
Howard said he was talking to Beth about JD last night. He said he was telling her about his dad getting married and how he didn't know the new wife's name. JD said he knows her name now. JD said he only met her once.
Howard said he just feels bad for JD because he doesn't know what's going on in his dad's life. He said he has to reach out to JD. JD said he's not a charity case.
Howard said he was looking for JD yesterday at the Star Trek movie. Artie said that shows how much Howard listens to him because he said he wasn't going to make it yesterday.
JD said he didn't want to say what his new step-mom's name was when they asked him what it was. Artie and Howard were coming up with names for her since JD wasn't talking. Howard said ''Titty Woman'' would be good and started to sing '' Pretty Woman'' with the Titty Woman name in there.
Howard and the guys asked JD what this woman looks like but JD was saying he didn't know. JD said he just didn't want to get into the whole thing. He just didn't want to talk about her. Howard asked if she had nice sized tits. JD said he didn't look.
JD told Howard that he was creeping him out and he didn't want to talk about that stuff. Howard said he was just trying to bond with him. Howard asked if the tits are bigger than his mom's tits.
Howard asked JD if Robin has big tits. JD said she does. Howard figured that he had to have looked at this woman. JD said that his dad's new wife has healthy sized bosom. Howard asked if they were bigger or smaller than Robin's. JD said that they're probably smaller than Robin's. He said that he may have looked at them for a second but he didn't study them. Howard asked if they were bigger than Benjy's. JD said he wasn't sure about that.
Howard said he felt sad for JD when he was thinking about all of that last night. He said he felt JD's pain. Howard said it's really sad that he didn't remember the woman's name. JD said that he does know her name. Howard said that's only because he made a big deal out of it yesterday.
Howard talked about how sad it is that JD doesn't know his mom very well and she doesn't come to visit much. Now his father is remarrying and he doesn't know the woman's name. JD kept saying that he does know her name.
Howard asked JD if he can love him. JD laughed and said yes but he was laughing. Howard told him not to laugh when he asks. JD couldn't stop laughing. Howard asked him in a serious manner about it and he still laughed.
Howard said he had a clip from the Wrap Up Show yesterday where JD said ''you know'' about 8 times in one sentence. Howard played the clip and counted up the ''you knows'' and ''I don't knows'' that were in that conversation. Jon and Gary were talking to JD about marriage when he kept saying that stuff. Artie was laughing his ass off as that was playing and even after it had stopped. He was laughing uncontrollably.
Artie said that you don't have to be Freud to see that the kid has a fear of intimacy. He said that there's nothing like a good broad. Artie said that clip was the funniest he's ever played on the show. Howard said he wanted to count the ''you know'' comments in the clip so he had a total. Fred was playing a bell sound every time he said it. Howard counted but said Fred screwed up and missed one. Howard had him start over. They counted at least 7 and Fred missed at least two of them. Howard told Fred to watch him for the cue to when to play the bell sound. He played the clip a third time. They came up with 8 ''you know'' in one JD sentence.
Robin said that JD repeats gibberish sometimes and you can't even quantify it as language. Howard said he had another clip where JD said that he ''believed'' it was his father's third marriage. He played that clip as well.
Howard asked JD if his brother has trouble talking like he does. JD said he thinks he's better. Artie said he's met him and he's much better in social situations. He said that his brother works at Best Buy so he has to deal with people all the time.
Fred was making fun of JD and doing his impression of him mumbling. Howard asked JD more about his brother and JD mumbled out some more stuff about him. JD said that he's older than his brother. Howard asked if he's like Napoleon Dynamite with the more competitive brother. JD seemed to agree with him on that.
Howard said he can't wait to hear about the wedding. JD is flying out for that this weekend. Gary came in with a picture of JD's brother and he had a hot chick sitting on his lap. JD had no idea who she was.
Howard asked JD if he's been thinking about his wedding speech. JD said he has but he has no idea what he's going to say. Howard wanted to hear what he had so far. JD said that he might look up some other speeches and figure out what to do from that. Fred did JD's voice and said ''Four score and seven years ago...'' and some other famous speeches that he might find on the web.
Howard said that JD doesn't know his father that well so he wanted to know what he's going to talk about. JD said he really doesn't know but he's going to keep it short. JD said that he's glad that they found happiness together and he hopes that they keep it going. Howard said that stuff sounded good to him. He told JD to just phone it in.
The Howard TV guys offered to tape the wedding for free but JD told them to stay out of his life. Howard said that they would have a great wedding video if he let them do that. Howard said that Chuck might really enjoy that. JD said he's not sure about that.
Howard said they'd let JD off the hook now. He said he hopes that he lets the Howard TV guys go. JD said that won't happen. Howard was going to let JD go after that but they just couldn't stop talking to him. Artie brought up how his father was a ''crazy crack head'' at one point. Artie told him not to bring that up at the wedding. JD said that he had to leave after that.
JD told Howard that he will accept his love like he asked earlier. JD just laughed when he said that so Howard asked him to accept his love in a serious way. JD kept giggling. He eventually said he would accept it and stooped laughing.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he found information about JD's new step-mom on her Myspace page. Howard didn't let the guy say anything about her. He hung up on him and took another call from a guy who said that JD has been getting too much air time and he should stop with that.
Howard said that they weren't able to get into the building today. They're shooting a Nicolas Cage movie near there and they've been blocking off streets during the shoot. Howard said that they apparently crashed a car last night and it was making it impossible for anyone to get to work this morning shooting this thing. Fred said that someone was hurt last night in the crash. Someone was walking on the sidewalk and the car crashed.
Howard said Al Rosenberg was at the Star Trek screening yesterday. He said that Sal introduced him to some people as ''the great Al Goldstein'' and didn't even know he was giving the wrong name. Howard said that Sal constantly insults people. He had to go to break after that.
Russian Pick-Up Contest. 09/08/10. 8:20am
Fred played The Beatles ''Back in the USSR'' as they were coming back from break. Howard came back and said they had Oksana Kehoe in the studio. She's offering her services to them today. They only have two girls there today. He said they combined the groups because of that. Howard had the guys bring in Oksana and asked her some questions about her boyfriend but she didn't want to say much about him. It turns out he's a young guy in school. She said he is over 18 and she's still in her 20s.
Howard said that they offer a translation service for guys who are looking for Russian women. Oksana said guys contact her and pay her $80 a week for her service. She said it works out to about $10 an hour.
Howard asked Oksana if she's the same girl that was trying to extort money out of Mel Gibson. Oksana said she would never do that. Howard said Oksana is a very good looking woman. He said he bets that she's very loving.
Oksana said that she was on the show 5 years ago and she took her top off. She said that her career went up a lot after that. She said that she had a radio show to promote back then. Howard said her boobs must still look good. She said she wanted to get a boob job but she hasn't done that.
Oksana said next time she comes in she'll have more girls for them. Howard said today they're going to do two rounds with the girls they have there. Oksana said the girls don't know anything about Howard. Howard said that's good. He said they're all going to go in, one by one, and do this speed dating thing. He said they'll have two different groups and he'll be in both. He said they have 90 seconds to do the speed dating and then the girls will say who they liked the most.
Oksana said that one of the girls has red hair and the other is Dominican. Howard said he has no idea what she's talking about half the time. Howard said you can find out more about her translation service, go to RussianTranslations911.com. Robin didn't understand what the service was so Oksana explained it to them again. Howard and Robin still didn't seem to know what it was but they were done hearing the explanation.
Oksana said that the girls there today are 21 and 22 years old. She said that women over 25 feel old and they get made fun of. Howard asked who is going to want to be with him at his age. Oksana said that the girls are looking for a soul mate so he has a shot with the girls. Oksana said they know enough English to understand what they'll be saying. Howard said some of the guys are very good looking so he's not sure if he has a shot. Oksana said they look at men with a different perspective. She said Howard is not ugly either. She said that he was so hot on David Letterman. She told him to take his eyeglasses off and show his eyes.
Howard told Gary to get in there so he can go out and do his thing. Gary said they're going to do Benjy, Scott Salem, Howard and JD. He said that Sal, Will and Jared will be in the second group. Howard told Oksana not to tape in there. Gary told Oksana not to do that before the show and she didn't listen. She said it was for just one second. Howard said it was one second too much.
Gary said that one of the girls just got there like last week. He said that they're very new to the country. Howard said he's going to leave now and go out and do his thing. He and Benjy are going to be leaving. Gary was going to control the board. He knows how to control the microphones and all of that.
Howard took off his headphones and let Gary take over. Jon Hein is going to be in charge of sequestering the guys. Jason will be helping out as well.
Gary was going to play the part of Howard now. He asked Jon to give him a thumbs up if everyone was set. He was all ready to go so they brought in Maria who is the red head that Oksana mentioned earlier. Robin said she was little. Gary said hello to her and asked how long she had been there. she's been in the country for 2 years now. She told them that she likes being there and she's been working. She hasn't been dating though. Gary asked Maria about what she does. She works as a hostess in a restaurant.
Gary told Maria that they were going to have Benjy come in and do a 90 second speed dating thing. Benjy came in and told Maria she looked very nice and then asked her some questions. He said he was very nervous with her too. Robin asked if his time was up yet because she was bored. Benjy said that Robin was his mom. Benjy then spoke to her in Russian. She asked if that was supposed to be Russian. He ran out of time after that.
Gary sent Benjy out of the room and asked Maria what she thought of him. She said that he was nice and she didn't understand his Russian phrases. She and Oksana tried to figure out what he was trying to say. Maria said it was very funny that he tried to say something in Russian. Oksana said that Benjy was good looking compared to Russian men. Maria said that Benjy was nice.
Gary had Scott the Engineer Salem come in next. Scott said hi to Maria and asked her when she got there. She said she's just been there since June. She said she likes it very much. Scott asked her where she goes to party and things like that. Scott asked if she wanted to go see some of the sights around the city too. She said she likes to dance. They talked about partying and dancing for the few seconds they had left of the 90 seconds.
Gary brought in JD and said they were going to wait to get reactions from the girls. JD came in and asked how long she had been there and how much she liked it. JD asked about her job and things like that. JD asked her what she looks for in a guy. Maria said that he should have a sense of humor and he should respect her and show that he loves her.
After JD ran out of time they had Howard come in as ''Scott D.'' Howard spoke to Maria and said that it was good to see her. He asked her how long she'd been there and all of the same things that everyone else asked. Howard then said it must be exciting to be there. Maria said that it was very interesting. Howard asked if she found a job. She said she did. Howard said this was very awkward but he would like to get to know her and talk to her some more. He said he could never go to Russia and get a job and start a new life. Howard asked if her family is going to come over. She said they will. They ran out of time.
Gary said they had one more person and that was Ronnie. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and asked Maria how she was and said she's very pretty. He asked how long she had been there. He asked what she likes to do. She said she likes to have fun and party. Ronnie asked if she likes to go to clubs. She said sometimes she does. Ronnie asked her what she drinks. Maria said she likes Vodka. Maria said she likes chicken to eat. Ronnie asked if she likes older guys. Maria said it doesn't mater for her. She said it's about the personality. They ran out of time a short time later.
They brought in all of the contestants next so they could have Maria tell them who she would like to see again and get to know better.
Maria ended up picking Benjy. She said he was very nice and smiling at her. She said he was attractive to her too. Gary asked if there was anyone who was too old for her. She said that she wasn't sure about that. Maria said one of them was like a father to her. Howard asked who her second choice would be after Benjy. Maria said it was all so fast. She said she might pick Scott D next. That was Howard. She said that he was not like everyone and she likes individuality. Howard asked if she really liked Benjy more than him. Gary asked her what it was about Benjy that Scott D. didn't have. She said that was just the feeling she had. She wasn't sure exactly what it was. She said it was a sense of humor or something. Howard asked who her third choice would be. Maria said she wasn't sure because it all happened so fast. Howard asked who the third guy would be that she would date. She picked Scott the Engineer. Howard said it was Benjy, Scott D., Scott the Engineer and then who? Maria picked JD next and Ronnie last.
Howard said he wanted to discuss this for a minute. He told the guys to stay in there. He said he can't believe he lost to Benjy. Fred said he thinks that he won the round because he spoke Russian to her. Howard said he brought in roses for her and he didn't have them where he said they were. Howard said he wasn't able to find the blue bag that he said was in his office. Howard said Gary is an asshole. Howard said he can't believe he lost out to Benjy.
Robin said that Benjy sort of identified with her. He said he was nervous just like she was. Howard told Maria that Benjy is sweaty, fat and bald. Benjy said he's getting better. Benjy also said that he's flattered by this. He said that it's brave and adventurous for someone to move to another country like that.
Benjy said that Maria's eyes are incredible. Howard told him to shut up. He was still trying to pick her up. Howard asked if she would go out with Benjy for real. Maria laughed. Howard asked if she would really go out with him. She said she would. Oksana asked if she wanted to date him. She didn't seem to know what was going on.
Howard said Maria is lovely and he was hoping that he'd be the one. He said he was not so Benjy has the bragging rights. Howard said he was glad he beat the other guys at least.
The guys spent a minute talking about what went on and then Howard moved on to the second round. Howard asked Gary where his roses were. Gary said he had them in his office and they were right there. Howard asked Maria if she would have loved the rose. Maria said she would. Robin said that Howard seemed nervous. Howard said he was.
Howard said this second round is going to be tough. He has to go up against Will and Jared now. Howard asked what he has to do to improve. Oksana told him to take off his glasses. Howard said he did that for Maria. He said he doesn't know how to do any better. Howard said he's got to fire Benjy for doing better than him. He said he can't believe he beat him.
Howard asked Maria how she could choose him over him. Maria said that she would change her answer then. Gary wanted to show her what he looks like when he gets there in the morning. They showed the picture of Benjy all sweaty and bald. Benjy was yelling ''No! No!'' before they put it up.
Howard wanted to move on to the second round. He said he hates Benjy now. Howard said he had to get the rose off the table because he's bringing the rose to the next girl. Gary said that's not going to help. Howard said he has to do whatever he can.
Mike Gange came in and said that Benjy was looking into Maria's eyes and he didn't take them off of her. Howard said he did too. Howard said he doesn't like Russian women anymore. Oksana said that he has a second chance now. Howard said he didn't want to play again.
They brought in the second contestant, Julia, and spent a minute talking to her. Robin told her that they have 5 men who are going to come in and talk to her for 90 seconds each. Then they were going to ask her who she would date out of the 5 men. Gary had Sal come in first.
Sal came in and told Julia that he baked her a cupcake. Julia said she likes chocolate. She said this one looked kind of soft though. Sal asked her if she had ever been to Bukakke bakery. She said she wanted to talk to him first. She said that in Russia they have a cemetery and they put sprinkles on them. Sal said he wanted to say that he would like to take her out and bake for her. He said he will keep this in mind and he hopes that they can get to know each other more. They ran out of time after that.
Gary then had Scott D. (Howard) come in. Howard came in and brought her a rose. She said that she liked that it was fresh. Howard said the other two guys who are waiting to meet her smell funny. He asked her how it was living in the states. She said she's just visiting for a short period. Howard asked if she has a boyfriend. She said she has a guy who likes her. Howard tried to speak Spanish to her but she didn't understand. Howard asked her some more questions about her boyfriend but they ran out of time. Julia was very chatty.
Gary then brought in Will Murray. Will came in and Julia said he looks like he just came in from the office. She said that it was sexy. She said she didn't know that he could have a beard like he had. Will said he's just dressed up for her today. Will asked where she lives. She said she's been there for a month but she's just visiting. Julia is actually living in the Dominican Republic. She said she works with baseball players and has her own league that she runs. Will asked her how she got involved with that but they ran out of time in the middle of the story.
Gary then brought in Jared. Jared came in and asked where she's from. She told him her story about visiting the states and where she lives. Jared shared some stories about visiting Australia and Julia used up all of her time just talking about herself. They ran out of time in the middle of one of her stories.
Gary interrupted and had everyone else come back in for Julia to pick from. Gary said that they were going to ask her who she would date if she had to pick one of the 4. Julia said this was tough to pick because of the short time they had. Julia said if she had to pick just one she would like to go out with all of them and try everything. Gary and Robin told her to pick one of the guys she just spoke to. Julia said she doesn't like small guys so she wants someone tall. She said she likes guys her size. The guys stood up and she went to each one and went to Howard since he's so tall. She just wouldn't pick. She kept talking and talking. They couldn't get an answer out of her. Julia said that she would like the tallest guy in the group if he would change his clothes. She picked Howard.
Howard said he would wear whatever she wanted him to wear. He asked her who number 2 would be. Julia said she had to look at them again. She said she might pick Sal and then Jared and then Will. Howard said this was a huge win for him. He told Julia that she's beautiful. He said he has to say that he just beat the best looking guy, Jared, and Will and Sal. He said that he loves Julia. He said that she loves him too. Howard said he did it.
Howard said Will came in dead last. He loves that. Julia said that was just the way she felt. Howard said he took his glasses off to connect with her too. He said he thinks that worked. Howard said that Julia is very good looking and he beat out all of the other guys in there because he connected with her. Howard said Will thought he was going to beat him. So did Jared. Julia said they all look nice. She said that she'd go out with all of them and have a nice time.
Howard asked Julia what she does for a living. She said that she is in the baseball business. Howard said he can't wait to brag. He bragged to Benjy. Howard said Julia looks like Demi Moore. He said he knows because he knows Demi Moore.
Robin said that Sal got into an argument with her from the start. Howard said that he came back so defeated thinking that she didn't like him. Howard said Julia made his life complete. He said she didn't know who he was and he still picked him over that good looking stud (Jared). Robin said that Sal did bring in the cupcake but the other people didn't bring in anything. Jared said he thinks that she wants to be showered with stuff. Julia said it doesn't have to be anything expensive. She said it was just nice that they brought her something. Howard said they though she was going to pick the good looking guy and not care about anything else. Julia said she's looking for a man of substance.
Sal kept telling Julia to stop talking. He said she was losing points the more she talked. He said she'll make her money at Rick's next week. Howard said he loves it and the rest of the guys have to bow down to him. Will said he thinks that she just went down the line and only picked Howard because he's tall. Howard told him not to talk to her like that again. Howard said that Will was first in line too and he has no personality so that's why he didn't get picked. Will said he had a great conversation with her about baseball. Will said that Howard was just bribing her. Howard told Will he has a horrible personality. Robin said she tried to tell him that too.
Howard told Julia how hot she looked again. He said she's a sexy woman. Howard said American women should all be like her. Howard told Benjy he beat Jared and Will. Benjy said he didn't beat him. Howard said the first round was a disaster.
Howard gave Oksana some more plugs for her web site and asked her how she thinks he did. Oksana said that Howard did very well. Sal was throwing dollar bills at Julia. Oksana said they can expect different girls next time. Howard said they're all jealous of him now that he won.
Howard was rubbing it in everyone's face that he had won. He told Mike Gange he hopes he picked up some hints on how to do it. Howard said goodbye to everyone and then went to break.
Tony Siragusa Visits. 09/11/12. 7:05am
After the break we heard a prank call the guys made to a woman using clips of Robin talking about beautiful breasts. Fred also played Green Day's ''Welcome to Paradise'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and had Tony Siragusa come in. Howard said he has a new book out called ''Goose: The Outrageous Life and Times of a Football Guy.''
Howard said he remembers when Tony did the Man Caves show with Gary and he started smacking Gary on the belly. Tony said he has a bit of a shake going on there. Howard said he can manhandle guys like that because he's so big. Howard asked if he was big when he was in school. Tony said he was a chubby kid in school. He said that some kids would beat him up but then he got bigger and bigger and then those kids would run away. He said by the time he got to 8th grade he was big enough to chase them away.
Howard asked if he had a nemesis in grade school. Tony said he had a bully kid in grade school and he would get picked on by that kid. He said they eventually fought and he beat the shit out of he kid. He said that was it after that.
Tony also wrestled so Howard asked him about that. Tony said you can be in the best shape ever and go out there thinking you're in good shape and you feel like you're dying. He said it's the hardest thing ever. Howard said you have to starve yourself to get your weight down. Tony said he'd just eat and wrestle whoever he had to wrestle. He became the state champion doing that. Tony said he went to a small school and he was the first state champion out of there. He said there have been some since he got out.
Howard asked Tony about his father beating him with a belt when he was a kid. Tony said that helped keep them well behaved. Howard asked if he does that kind of thing with his kids. Tony said he's not a ''time out'' kind of guy. He said he coaches little kids and he doesn't put up with that kind of stuff. He said he tells the parents that the time out thing doesn't work. He said you can't beat those kids but you can intimidate them. Tony said he can make them nervous and the parents need to understand that. He said you have to be the boss.
Howard asked if the beatings he got were bad. Tony said they were an ass whopping. Howard said his mom would hit him with a hanger. Tony said that's what he's talking about. He said he said no to his dad once and his dad chased him up the stairs when he ran away. He said he slammed the door and his father's arm came right through the door. He said he was grabbing for him. He said his mom was screaming. He said his dad never fixed the door either. He said that he had to put posters over the hole in the door.
Howard asked about Tony getting an ear ring. Tony said his dad was cool for the most part. He said that it was all about respect. He said his dad saw the ear ring in his ear and he would sit across from him at the dinner table. Tony said his mom noticed the ear ring and asked if he was out of his mind. Then his father was eating and not making eye contact. Then his dad told him that he had an hour to get it out of his ear before he ripped it out. Tony said he was about 16-17 when that happened. He said he took it out instead of making a stand.
Tony said his dad was the best. Howard said he died in his arms. Howard said that's pretty traumatic. Tony said it really is.
Tony told Howard that he's been married for 17 years and he's been with his girl for 28 years. He said he was away from her for a while so he did date a few girls. He said that he hasn't had a lot of other women though. Tony said ''thank god for the internet.'' He said he has heard about things like YouPorn. Howard asked if he locks himself in his bathroom. Tony said he just walks around the house.
Howard asked Tony if he ever asks his wife for a free pass or anything. Tony said his wife is the greatest. He said the sex is tremendous.
Howard asked more about his dad. Tony said that this was on July 10th and they were going to get his wife a present. He said he and his dad had a beer together. He said his dad told him he should get a restaurant when he gets older. He said his dad did that later in live. He said his dad died at the age of 48 from a massive heart attack. Howard asked Tony how old he is. Tony said he's 45 now. Tony said that he doesn't really worry about it himself. He said that every day since then has been a great day for him. He said his dad was a smoker and he didn't eat very healthy.
Howard asked what happened that day his dad died. Tony said he had a great day out with his dad and that night he heard his mother screaming so he went in and saw his dad having trouble breathing. He said he wasn't able to talk and they just held him while they waited for the ambulance to show up. He said it seemed like a month before they got there. He said that his dad was looking at him and he saw him take that last gasp before he died. Howard asked if he was angry at him for not taking care of himself better. Tony said that he is kind of now but not really. He said his dad was at every one of his games while he was around.
Tony said the tough thing was telling everyone that his dad had died. He said that he had to do it even though he has an older brother. He said that he had to put it on his shoulders and do it himself. Howard asked if he told his dad he loves him before he died. Tony said of course he did.
Howard asked Tony about his bad knees and asked if he had them from an early age. Tony said he blew one out in college and he rehabbed that for a year. Then he blew out the other one later on and had a cadaver ligament put in there. Howard asked if that freaks him out that he has that in there. Tony said it does and it really freaked him out back then because the AIDS scare was big back then. Howard said it gave him back a career though. Tony said it really did.
Howard asked Tony if the knee thing was a problem when he was looking to get drafted. Tony said that they knew about the knees. He said that they were all waiting for him to get drafted and days and days went by. He said he wasn't assured that he was going to be drafted but he thought something would happen. He said nothing happened. He said that his brothers got more pissed off than he did. He said he just focused in. Howard asked what he would have done if he hadn't gotten into the NFL. Tony said that his family has a construction business so he could have gotten into that.
Howard said it must be tough to go through something like that. Tony said he sat down with his brothers and his agent and they looked for where he could go. He said he was told to try Indianapolis and he had no idea where that even was. Tony said he had something to prove and he went out and got signed. He said he was paid 85 grand so he was the lowest paid player in the league. Tony said the doctor told him he'd never be able to play with his knees the way they were. He said that he had to go full speed and just went bananas. Tony said that he was doing everything on the team that he could. He said he could kick and long snap and all of this other stuff. He said he didn't know how to long snap so he had to go out that night and practice. He was on the phone with someone who was coaching him on how to do it. Tony said he practiced that night and then went out and tried it for the team the next day. Tony said that there were like 4 guys out there and he turned out to be pretty good at it.
Howard asked Tony if his knees bothered him. Tony said he never let anyone see the pain. He said his knees would swell up at times and he'd have them drained. He said he never let anyone see that though.
Howard asked Tony if he ever thought that he couldn't keep doing it. Tony said he had too many people counting on him. He said he still has pain in the knees. He said that when you're a football player you kind of enjoy the pain. He said he could stitch himself up if he got a cut or something. Howard said that's what Beth is like. He said she was an athlete too so she could do that kind of thing.
Howard asked Tony about signing for 85 grand and if he got a signing bonus. Tony said he got a grand for the signing bonus. He said it wasn't much. Tony said that he went out drinking that night with some buddies. He said he drank that grand away.
Tony said that he had to go out and prove himself because no one drafted him. He said he had to show them what he could do.
Howard asked Tony about the game now and the concussions that guys get. Tony said his short term memory is shot from all of that. Tony said he forgets what stories he has in his book. He said if he's on the sideline of a game he'll forget what's going on there. He said he needs some help during the game.
Howard said Tony took a shot once and he lost the ability to walk for a while. Tony said they were playing the Redskins at the time. He said they were staying in Baltimore. He said his stomach was killing him while they were in the hotel. He said he went to get x-rayed. He said that it turns out he was constipated. He said they told him that he could take a laxative or get an enema. Tony said he had a game in 4 hours so he wanted the enema. He said they don't travel with enemas. Tony said he was in the room with a bunch of guys and then the trainer comes over with a saline bag. They had to find a hose to put in there. Tony said he was looking for a little thin hose but they had a garden hose. He said an intern doctor came in and was ready to shove the hose in there. Tony said he was going to do that himself. Tony said he was trying to get it in there and then one of the other players came in and told him to hold it in as long as he can. Tony said the pain was excruciating. He said he eventually sat down on the toilet and let it flow. He said he looked in the toilet and the water was clear. He said nothing came out. Tony told the trainer that nothing came out. The doctor told him that maybe he didn't squeeze enough in. Tony said he had to take another one.
Tony said he was telling this story to a bunch of people and they're all cracking up. Tony said he shoved another hose in there and had more fluids shoved in there. Tony said the pain was really bad because he was still constipated. He said he was ready to kill the guy who kept telling him to hold it in as long as he could. Tony said he sat down on the toilet again and let it flow. He said he looked in the toilet hoping to see just a little nugget at the least. Tony said he looked in there and there was like one little Raisenette.
Tony said he thought he was going to be able to play even with this thing not working. He said he saw that they had some carpet tape there. He said it's double sided tape. He said he got a bunch of pieces and taped his ass cheeks together hoping he wouldn't shit his pants during the game. Tony said he got to his locker and the pants were white. He said it was his worst nightmare. He said he'd have to quit if he shit his pants.
Tony said he told the coaches not to roll him over if they saw him laying on the ground for any reason. He said that they had to get him more white pants and not roll him over. He said he had never shit his pants before. Tony said that he was on the toilet for like an hour and he shit so much that it almost flushed itself. Tony said his legs were numb. Tony said the next week he told that story and everyone was laughing. He said they played the Tennessee Titans and they had a fullback who was a tough kid. He said they were on the 15 yard line and it was 3rd and 1. He said he put his head down and got smacked on the top of his head. He said that it felt like getting hit on the funny bone but that was from his neck down. He said that he kept telling them to get off of him but no one was on him. He said they put a neck brace on him and took him out of the game. Tony said he wasn't able to move anything. He said that his brother was there and he thought he was paralyzed.
Tony said he was scared like he's never been scared before. Tony said he had a gun in his mouth and he wasn't that scared. Tony said everyone was real quiet around him. He said they put him on the gurney and took him out of there. Tony said he got in the tunnel and someone yelled ''He ain't hurt, he just shit his pants!'' Tony said that he was really hurt though. Tony said they brought him into a room and he was just able to start moving his hand. He said that he felt weak but he had to go back out on the field. He said if he didn't get back out there he'd never play again.
Tony said they brought him to get an MRI at the hospital. He said they found that his spinal cord was bruised but he'd be okay. He said his brother was crying asking him not to go back out. Tony said that he had to go back though. He said he got back out there but he felt very weak just like your arm does when you hit your funny bone. Tony said he was a totally different person after that hit. He said he got back out there and the crowd was like ''what the hell?'' Tony said that he went back in and played the rest of the game. He said it wasn't the greatest ever but he finished the game.
Howard asked if he gets angry at the kickers since they don't have to go through what he had to go through. Tony said he would get angry. He said that the kickers would come out and pull a groin muscle or something. He said he once locked a kicker in the bus bathroom when he missed a kick. He said they're all out there getting beat up.
Howard asked Tony about the restaurant he had that was called Tiffany's. He had to change the name to Tiff's after the Tiffany's company sued him. Tony said they're doing fine with the restaurant now.
Howard asked Tony about the way guys play now and if he went out there to hurt people on purpose. Tony said he didn't do it to hurt someone. He said that he was just playing the game. Tony said he misses playing the game and he misses the pain. He said he loves that sound of knocking the air out of someone.
Tony said that the tough thing about retiring is that you never get to go back and put the helmet on. He said when he retired that was it. He never put the helmet on again. He said it would be like Howard stopping radio tomorrow and never being able to do it again. Tony said you just can't go back. Howard asked when it's time to retire. Tony said it's when you can't recover from your injuries. Howard asked if he listened to the coaches about that. Tony said he never listened to the coaches. He said he probably could have been able to play for another year or two but he wanted to be able to throw a ball to his sons.
Howard asked Tony about the ring on his finger and if guys worship him over that. Tony showed him the ring and how big it was. Howard said Tony says that your penis grows when you have a Super Bowl ring. Howard said he could feel it growing now. Howard said that ring could fit around his cock and he'd still have room. Howard said Tom Brady has like 4 rings and Tony says that his penis must be two feet long.
Howard asked Tony about the game today and what he thinks about that. Tony said that the game is changing. He said that they don't even need a guy like him anymore.
Howard asked Tony what he thinks about this Sanchez and Tebow thing. Tony said that it's all about competition. He said that's what keeps them on their toes. Tony said that Howard knows what that's like. He said Howard is a competitive guy. Tony said that if someone said that these guys are better than Howard then he's going to want to compete. Tony said that's what this Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow thing is about. He said that it's going to make them want to perform. Robin said that it has happened where they replace guys with their back up.
Howard asked Tony if he hangs out with a lot of other players. Tony said he has his friends from when they played. He said if they asked him to do a favor he'd be there for them. Howard asked Tony if he has a decent sized penis. Tony said he does. Howard asked if there are guys who have small ones. Tony said they have all different sizes. He said there are some that are unbelievably big too. Tony said he goes into the shower and he's seen guys who have such big ones that you wonder if there's enough blood in his body to fill it up. Tony said that he doesn't really remember the biggest one he ever saw.
Howard said Tony shot a bunch of geese with an AK-47 and put one in each locker. Tony said they had fun like that. Howard asked if he killed his pet lizard because he was sick of it shitting and pissing all over the house. Tony said that he didn't kill it. He said they were young guys and they would hang out. He said he bought this lizard that was like 3 feet long and it was like a miniature dinosaur. He said he brought the thing home and the lizard didn't like his buddy Eddie. He said his buddy was watching it for him and the lizard was in the bathroom. He said they had forced hot air and the return was in the floor. The lizard shit in the vent in the floor. He said his buddy put it in the garage because he was sick of it hissing at him. He went out to the garage and found it stiff as a board. He said he went to the pet store to get his money back and they said no way. He said he never did get his money back.
Howard gave Tony a plug for his book and asked why he's doing it now. Tony said he wanted to see how his life pans out. He said he had no idea what he'd be doing. Howard asked if he's worth $6 million. Tony said it might be higher. Howard asked if that's from football or from the restaurant. Tony said he made some good investments. He made some bad ones too but his best was his wife. Howard said he likes that answer.
Howard asked if he ever got offered money to hurt other players. Tony said he never was offered money for that. Howard asked if he can keep the ring. Tony said no. Howard said it is a great ring. Tony said it defines what you've done in life as a football player. He said not every football player has one. He said there are many that never got one.
Howard asked Tony if he can borrow the ring and go to a used car dealer to talk about the time he took an enema. Howard asked Tony if he has ever waxed his hair down there. Tony said he has it done like once every month and a half but not down there. He said he has it done to his nose. He said that you smell things you've never smelled before when you have your nose hair waxed. Tony said he tried Nair once. Howard said they can wax him there and have his whole asshole waxed. Tony said he can't do that.
Howard asked who the best team is out there right now. Tony said there are a bunch. He said he can't pick just one.
Howard asked how often he goes to his restaurant. Tony said he goes there pretty often. He said that they have ribs. Howard said he doesn't eat that. Tony said they have salmon there. He said you have a mangina if you eat salmon though. Howard said he stopped chicken and turkey too. He said he's an animal lover. Tony said fish are animals too. Howard said he's not sure about that. He said they don't seem to have feelings.
Howard asked Tony if he goes hunting. Tony said he used to but he hasn't in a long time. He used to hunt deer. Howard said he could never do that.
Howard asked if Tony put Ex-Lax in the guys stuff once. Tony said that's not the story. He said that they used to have a respect thing going on with the team. He said that they'd have rookies bring in donuts every day. He said they had some Krispy Kreme donuts and the guys would go out and get a donut. He said the general manager would come and take them too. He wasn't a player so he wasn't supposed to. Tony said he knew the PA number so he'd get on there and announce that the donuts were for the players only. He said the GM would get mad of course. Tony said he once took some Paraffin and took all 12 of the donuts and dipped them all in there. He said that it looked like icing. Tony said the GM took 4 donuts with Paraffin on it and he didn't even know it. He said he knew he wouldn't die from that though. He had the shits for like 2 days after that.
Howard asked why he had a gun in his mouth. Tony said he was at college in Pittsburgh and they went out to a bar one night. He said that a fight broke out on the dance floor and he saw his brother on the dance floor. He said that it turns out the guy wasn't his brother but he had started punching guys out. Tony said he was punching and then this girl grabbed his hair so he pushed her away. Then he felt another person grab him so he punched and it turns out it was a girl. Tony said this one guy punched him and he ran after him. The guy was holding a gun when he went out the door. He said the guy told him he was going to die and told him to open his mouth. Tony said he did that and then the guy maced him in the face. He said the cops saw this going on and they arrested the guy. He said his uvula was hanging out of his mouth from being inflamed from the mace. He said it turns out that the guy was a made guy and they had to have a sit down about the whole thing. He said they handled it all on their own. He said it was really scary.
Howard said Goose has said a lot. He said he may have said too much. Howard wrapped up and gave him some more plugs for his book. Howard said he gave him his Super Bowl ring too. Howard told Tony that he benches 95 pounds at the gym. Tony asked if that was on each side. Howard said that's a total of 95. Tony said he used to bench like 425. They wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard 100 News, Wrap Up Show, Superfan Roundtable And Pal Pre Previews. 06/11/09. 9:45am
After the break we heard Sal and Richard's infamous ''Mitur Binesderty'' prank call. Fred also played Michael Penn's ''No Myth (Romeo in Black Jeans)'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said he loves that song. He said he was talking about it the other day. Fred said he was up there at SIRIUS and performed it there. Howard said he and Michael Penn actually email each other once in a while. Howard said he does movie soundtracks now and he makes good money doing that.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his news preview. Steve said they have a story about Gary's stent removal. Steve said he was there and Gary came out visibly shaken. He said that Gary looked as they were pulling the stent out of his penis. Howard said that this is a horrible story and it's very disturbing.
Robin asked Steve if he has any emotion when he's doing these stories. Steve said he does but he's not going to come in and be boring.
Steve said High Pitch Eric is $8,400 behind in his rent and he's going to be evicted as early as next Monday. He said Eric ran from him when he tried to get an interview with him at the court yesterday. Howard said the next person that lets him in is going to be screwed in about 18 months. Steve said that Shuli is opening for Jim Breuer this weekend at a couple of comedy gigs.
Robin's News. 06/10/08. 9:50am
Howard had Robin start her news after Fred played a song parody for her. That song was ''Black Snatch Fever'' by Richard Christy. Robin was about to start when Howard threw in a plug for the upcoming Baba Booey song parody contest.
Robin started her news with a story about a guy who was grunting too loud in a spin class. That led to the guys doing impressions of the gym grunters and also of that wrestler Golddust whose whole act was based on him having Tourette's. The guys pointed out that he never said anything like a curse word. They goofed on that act for a few minutes. Robin talked about some of the other annoying things that people do in gyms. She had an article about that.
Today's Unnamed Vacation Special was over around 10:15am. There was no Wrap Up Show on this Thanksgiving day.
Forty Minutes With Scott The Engineer And J.D. 10/28/03. 6:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: Captain Janks prank calls a talk show as Bob Hope's writer, Smash Mouth performs ''All Star'' live at Howard's Birthday show.
Howard was screwing around with his microphone as he started the show. He kept telling people to hold on and he'd be right with them. He eventually moved on to the ScoresMan birthday party he talked about yesterday. He said that Scott the Engineer was there and took off all of his clothes when he was there. He said he was just joking around trying to get him in trouble with his wife. Scott was there and it was a big deal because he never shows up to that stuff. He was wearing a sport jacket which seemed to surprise Howard. Scott said that he said hello to Howard and that was the last he saw of him for the whole night. Howard told him he was glad to see him out though because he's ''under the thumb of a woman'' and he doesn't get out to stuff like that much. Howard goofed on Scott a little bit by doing his impression of him. He and Scott spent a couple of minutes talking after that. Scott told Howard that people always ask him what he's like to work with. Scott claims that he tells people that he's a really nice guy and he doesn't have any problems with him. Howard said he's been working with Scott for 18 years now. They talked about the old days and about Scott looking like he's 70 years old even though he's only 50. Scott talked about his DJ business and how he's not doing that many gigs himself anymore. He said he's spending more time working with his son's band Vertigo Blue (VertigoBlueMusic.com).
Howard said that Scott has caught on pretty quick with the equipment they use there at the station. They switched from analog to digital equipment and he's worked with it pretty well. The guys joked that he now has more time to smoke since going to digital. Both Fred and Howard were doing their impressions of Scott during that. Gary came in a short time later and talked about how excited Scott is about his son's band. Howard told Scott that when his son's band eventually hits big they'll leave him behind. Scott said his son has a gig coming up in New Jersey pretty soon. It's tough to get a band like that booked anywhere because they haven't played anywhere.
Howard and Scott talked about his son's band and their web site VertigoBlueMusic.com. Howard asked Scott what he does for the band also. Scott said he gets some pretty good feedback about the band. He said he's been told that they're heading in the right direction but they need some work. He said he might be a little biased toward his son's band but he also thinks he's been around a lot of music and knows that it's ''decent'' stuff. Howard wondered if he smokes in the car on the way to gigs and stuff. Of course he does, what a dumb question. Howard eventually told Scott to get out of the studio because he was boring everyone.
Scott told Howard that he sat with J.D. and Dead Air Dave at Scores the other night. Howard wondered what J.D. was up to because he wasn't talking to any of the strippers that night. Howard said he should have taken him under his wing when they were there. J.D. came in and said that he didn't have any money so that's why he was pushing the girls away that night. Artie was doing an impression of J.D. when he came in. Howard tried to find out what J.D., Dead Air Dave and Scott were talking about that night. Howard ended up making up the conversation and goofed on Scott and those guys a little bit.
Howard told J.D. about how Scott the Engineer was married once before his current marriage and she joined a gym, got in shape and left him. Scott said that wasn't true though. He said that he and his wife just didn't get along very well. Howard asked if he could just give Scott that story instead of the story he has. Scott told Howard what really happened and how he didn't get along with the woman he married. Gary said there was something else to the story that he wasn't telling. He tried to find out what it was but Scott wasn't talking. Stuttering John came in and said he remembered Scott saying something about wife swapping or something like that. John said he's not being honest at this point. He said he knows that it happened but Scott was denying it. John said he knows that Scott told that story on the air. Scott said he never told that story on the air though. Artie said he knew a little about it so he had to have told it on the air.
Howard asked J.D. what he did when he was at Scores. He doesn't drink so the guys were wondering what he was doing. John said that he knows that J.D. Turned down a girl who asked him out one time. J.D. Said he just wasn't into her and turned her down. The guys wondered if the girl was still alive after being turned down by J.D. John told him that he should take it anytime he can get it. The intern that asked him out came in and said that he felt bad for him and asked him out for drinks. He turned her down though. The intern said it was an opening for him and it could have been like a date. Gary told him that if he'd gone out with her, he could have met some of her friends which would be more women than he'd meet in a month. Howard said J.D. probably could have banged her that night. Ronnie ''ScoresMan923'' the Limo Driver came in and told a story about J.D. Having a bunch of girls from Russia at his house one night. He said that he didn't even get any of them. ScoresMan said that J.D. isn't into strippers. He said he just sat there and didn't get any dances at the Scores party they had on Friday night. It was a money issue though, not because he doesn't like strippers.
Howard had J.D. and the intern put their arms around each other to see how they looked as a couple. Howard told them they looked cute and they should just go and bang already. The intern said that she'd hook J.D. up with some of her friends if things didn't work out for them. Howard told them to just give it a try and see how things work out. J.D. mentioned something about waiting until he's in love to bang a chick. Howard told him he needs practice and he should be banging some other chicks. Stuttering John said he waited until he was in love and didn't get laid until he was 19. He said that was a mistake and J.D. Should try some other chicks. Howard took a break shortly after that discussion.
Benjy's Odd Behavior Exposed Again. 10/24/03. 6:25am
Howard took a call from a guy who said he worked with Rena Sofer's husband at one point and he was the biggest homo. Howard cut him off and hung up on him before he could slander the guy even more. Howard said when guys call other guys homos, it means that they're jealous of them, not that they're really homosexuals. Howard took a call from a guy who said he watched Rena's show ''Coupling'' and it wasn't too bad. Howard said he couldn't stay up that late. He went on to say that Rena ran out of the studio right after the interview yesterday so he doesn't think that she liked him. Robin said she thinks that she didn't want to be a bother and that's why she ran out. Artie said that Benjy tried to pick her up as she was running out. He said he asked her if she was from Pittsburgh and told her that he used to read about her in a Jewish newspaper. Howard said he's seen her in magazines too but doesn't bother her as she's walking away. Gary told Benjy that he's ''the creepy guy in the hall'' when he does stuff like that. Howard also pointed out that it was freezing outside yesterday and Benjy was wearing shorts. He does all kinds of weird stuff like that. He told Benjy to get Gary's permission to approach guests like that from now on.
Howard said it's Benjy's birthday today but no one knows how old he is. Benjy said that it's really not his birthday today anyway. He said it's coming up soon but then he said it was already past. Stuttering John said the E! guys were telling him that it was his birthday today but he makes a bit out of it. John said that Benjy will go into a whole thing about how he's not really sure when his birthday is if you ask him. Howard said he didn't want to hear it though.
Howard said he wants out of the loop with Benjy because of stuff like that. He said that he doesn't get it and doesn't want to even discuss stuff like that on the air or off the air. He said he'd like to go out to dinner with Benjy but he does stuff like this and creeps him out. Stuttering John talked about how Benjy stayed at his house one time and had screaming night terrors that woke everyone in the house up. John said everything Benjy does is shtick. Gary told Howard that he gets the real Benjy at about noon. He'll be asking him why Howard doesn't like him on the air and what he should have done to make it better. He said he'll tell him he should have just answered the questions directly.
Stuttering John told Howard he has to hear why Benjy won't answer the birthday question. Howard didn't want to hear it but they talked him into it. Benjy started off telling them that they have to look up ''Detlev Bronk'' on the internet. Howard stopped him and wondered what the hell that was supposed to be. He said that this is the reason he doesn't put Benjy on the air. He's boring and they're making it seem interesting when it really isn't.
Benjy was starting to sweat so he took off his sweatshirt. That led to the guys talking about how he went out to lunch one time and ended up taking his shirt off at the diner. He walked out with the shirt off. Howard wondered what that was about. Once again it was all about doing his shtick. Cabbie called in a short time later and said this was the most boring radio he'd ever heard. He said that Benjy is a freak and it's just boring stuff. He told Benjy to just answer the questions already.
A minute later Gary was reading information about this Detlev Bronk guy that Benjy mentioned. The guy was born in 1863 and after reading some of the information about him, the guys thought Benjy was just doing a bit where he's implying that he's that guy. Benjy said he didn't want to talk about it though. Howard had to take a break shortly after that.
Artie's Love Scene And More. 07/27/05. 7:15am
After the break Howard mentioned the Hottest Chick - Biggest Fan contest they had coming up. He also took a call from a guy who said he went on the web site that he'd mentioned yesterday (HandJobs.com). Howard said he really liked the video clips on that site because the girls grease up their hand and then pleasure the guys. He said you never see the guy's faces so that's a good thing. The caller said that he was pleasuring himself to the videos he was watching and his wife walked in on him while he was doing it. The guy thanked Howard for turning him on to the site. Howard said he agreed with Beth that it was disgusting when she saw it but he actually enjoyed it. Beth was saying that the guy's penises were ugly but she likes his.
Artie said that he did a love scene the other night for his movie ''Beer League.'' He said he feels bad for the actress Cara Buono. He said she's really talented and adorable. Artie's girlfriend was on the set and so was Cara's boyfriend. He said they're both pretty cool about the whole thing. They're kissing each other with closed mouths according to Artie. Howard said he and Mary McCormack did open mouthed kissing when they shot ''Private Parts.'' He thought that Mary liked it because she wasn't putting up any resistance when they were shooting the scene. Artie said they're shooting a strip club scene this week and he can't wait for that because they'll have topless women there. Howard said Artie told him that he has to shave there at the station because he wasn't able to shave at home this morning. He has to be clean shaven for the movie and he'll be shaving in the nasty bathroom there at the station. Artie said that the water doesn't get all that hot there so it's not going to be fun. Howard saw that Artie had a day planner in his bag and the planner was from 1996. Artie doesn't use it, he just keeps it with him because it looks cool.
Artie Gets Pissed. 07/27/05. 7:20am
Howard said that Gary saw Dead Air Dave in the hall the other day and the guy hates being called ''Dave'' because that's not his real name. Howard heard that he'd rather be called ''Dead.'' Gary said that the guy actually doesn't want to be called by his real name, he wants to be ''Dead'' or ''Dave'' at the station. Dave didn't want to talk about his real name but Howard said it's something like ''Ashati'' or something like that. Dave said that he doesn't mind the ''Dead Air'' name around there because being called by his real name would be really weird there at the station.
Howard said that one of the women they have coming in today claims that she went out with Dave and he wanted her to call him by his real name. Dave thinks that's a bunch of crap though. Howard talked about a guy he knows who worked at E! and went by the name of Lee Masters. He later found out that the guy had changed his name to Jarl Mohn and that freaked him out.
Howard had Gary bring in this woman who claimed that she had gone out with Dead Air Dave. Dave wasn't sure that she was for real. She came in and Dave said he never went out with this woman. The woman said she went out for pizza and that's when Dave admitted that he did go out with her a couple of times but nothing happened. Howard said she was pretty hot. Artie was impressed as well and said that she had quite a body. The woman said that Dave invited her back to his place so she went back with him. She said he took a shower while she watched TV and he ended up coming out in his boxer shorts after the shower. She claims that he just about sat on her when he came out but Dave said that wasn't true. She was also saying that he took out an old movie that he liked and put that on. Dave said the movie was ''The Taking of Pellham 123.'' They watched that and then she left. Dave said he probably pleasured himself after she left but he doesn't remember. Dave also pointed out that her boobs must be new because he didn't remember them. She said they are pretty new. The woman, whose name we still didn't know, said she was calling him ''Dave'' but he asked her to call him by his real name when she was over. She said that his real name is Ashook. Dave was amazed that she actually remembered it.
The woman said that she went out with him again to a Depeche Mode concert and still didn't do anything with him then either. She just wanted to go to the concert. Dave asked her if she's a stripper now or something. She said she actually finances mobile homes. Gary told Howard that she was on her way to put on her bikini when they brought her in. She's part of the Hottest Chick - Biggest Fan contest and all of the girls will be in bikinis. She mentioned that she had a guy there with her who apparently slept with Artie's sister Stacy. Gary said that Artie looked pissed when he heard that. The guys brought the guy, Keith, in a short time later. Keith said that Artie's sister doesn't look like Artie at all. Keith said he met Artie's sister in the town she lives in and he has hung out with Artie a couple of times. Keith was saying that his family likes to drink. Artie was really mad while this was going on and they didn't get it. Gary said that Artie's sister is his weak spot and he's really protective of her. Keith said that Stacy is really fun and sweet. Dave said that Artie was still mad at the guy so Howard asked him what was going on. Howard thought that Artie had asked to bring the guy in so he didn't know why he was so mad. Artie was being very short with his answers and kept his voice really low.
Artie said that he doesn't remember meeting this guy before. He said he doesn't hang out with his sister and her dates. He also said that his sister doesn't like to drink that much, she will drink once in a while. Artie's behavior was kind of odd so Howard told him that he was nuts. Gary thought it was funny that Artie was loving this girl until this guy came in. Artie said ''No I wasn't in a really low voice. Howard tried to get back to Dave and the whole name thing. He said he heard that Dan the Song Parody Man had changed his name for radio but Dan came in and said that wasn't true, it's always been the name he uses which is Dan Cooper.
Artie was still pacing around by his chair so Howard asked Gary if they had anyone claiming to have slept with Artie's mother. Artie said he doesn't like when his stupid life effects other people in his family. He said this guy Keith seems like a nice guy but he doesn't want this stuff blurted out on the air. Howard said that he'll give Artie KC's phone number so they can work things out together. Howard was ready to go to break so they could get to the contest. They couldn't get Artie to calm down though. Artie said that he would like to keep some things quiet in his life but he knows that it's pretty hard to do that on that show. Keith said that it wasn't his plan to piss anyone off. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she can't believe that Artie was so upset about this stuff, his sister just went out on a date. Artie said it's all a privacy thing and that's the reason he was so upset. One caller said that it's the one time that Artie gets pissed and there are no E! cameras there. Dave said he saw Jason taking some pictures though. Gary said it looked like someone had just put a piece of dog crap under his nose because his lip was curled up when he was pissed. Artie said that he has anger issues and when he was working as a long shoreman he would have problems with guys and he'd throw a couple of punches once in a while. He said he loves his sister and he knows that she goes out and has a good time but this is his life. A few people called in and joked about the Stacy thing and made some sex sounds.
Howard found out that Artie stopped going to the shrink. Artie said he will go once in a while but he thought that Howard wanted him to go so that's why he was going. Now Artie is saying that he's now doing whatever the hell he wants. Howard told him he's nuts. Artie said that's obvious and the shrink thing wasn't helping out. He said he'll finish up this movie he's shooting and then he'll go back to relaxing and drinking. Robin said that Artie is making it all about Howard and she doesn't understand why. Artie said he drives himself crazy with this stuff because he tires to please everyone. He got a great offer for a movie but he'd have to leave for a month. Howard told him to do what he wants and if the movie is a good thing for him then he should go do it. He said that Artie is doing really well on the show and there's no reason to get pissed at him about it. Artie is doing really well on the show and he has to make a decision if he wants to do it or not. Artie thinks that Howard would have an issue with him leaving for a full month like that. Howard said that he wouldn't have a problem with that because he has the right to go do whatever he wants to, whenever he wants to. Howard did make him feel pretty guilty about taking three weeks off to shoot this movie he's shooting now. Howard said the reason he did that is because he was shooting it in the New York area.
Robin said that she figured out what just happened there. She thinks that Artie got pissed that his sister was brought up on the air and now he's thinking that he's made sacrifices for the show and now that doesn't matter so he's going to do whatever the hell he wants. Howard told Artie that a guy came to him a couple months ago and sent him a script. The script was for someone else but the guy thought of Howard in the role. Howard loved the script and it would have been good for him and might get him an Academy Award. The director might be one of his favorites of all time. He said that he read the script and he was going to do it. He'd have to shoot for 2 months and do both the radio show and the movie. He knows he's going to satellite in January so he wanted to dedicate himself to that starting in October so he'd have to shoot in September and October. They called him back and said they were going to have to shoot in October / November. The movie was a movie that he was destined to do so he sat down and thought about it. He told them that he couldn't do it because he was going to be going out to promote satellite radio in October / November. Artie told Howard that he's not him and professionally his life has been good for a decade but his personal life is out of control. Robin asked him if his personal life would get better if he moved to L.A. Artie knows that won't happen. He asked Howard if he told him that he was going to only be able to do the satellite radio show for a couple of months because he had a Sitcom coming up. Howard told him that he should just go out and do what he wants to do. Whatever makes him happy. Howard told him that he wants him there and he looked for someone to sit in that seat for months and picked him. He said he will never lose his friendship no matter what he does. Howard said he can't believe that the movie is a better opportunity than the radio show is. Artie said it's not even about that. He said that he's still in negotiations with the satellite radio show because he doesn't want a long term commitment. Howard thought he was past that but Artie said nothing has been resolved. They apparently want him to commit for a few years but he doesn't want to do that. Howard said he doesn't care if he only wants a short term commitment.
Artie said that he feels really guilty leaving everyone behind and that's what the shrink should be working on. Howard told Artie another story about Jay Thomas the radio guy. He said that Jay had a really successful radio gig and took a job on Mork and Mindy and the show tanked a year later. He never recovered after that according to Howard. Artie said that the only successful things in his life are working on Howard's show and his DVD. Other than that he's had nothing but failures. He claims that he's turned down a bunch of offers over the past year or so and he's wondering if that was the right thing to do. Howard seems to think that his manager and agent may be whispering in his ear that they have fame and fortune for him. He would like Artie to be there with them for future projects but if that's giving him pain and anguish then he should just go. Artie told Howard that Howard is the most important person in his life. Howard told him he'd still be his friend even if he left. Artie is saying that he may not be there on satellite for the whole run (5 years) but Howard doesn't care. He said that Artie can come to the party if he wants to but if he wants to leave, that's fine.
Howard let a couple of callers through to talk to Artie. Mariann from Brooklyn called in again and said that people try to find jobs they like their whole lives and if he likes the job he has, he should make his decision already. Another caller said that he's paying for satellite hoping that Artie won't be there. Howard told the guy that he might not be there so that might happen. Another guy said that if he does leave an fails, he's going to ruin his career. Artie knows that he could fail if he does that. Another guy said that this is the most real radio he's ever heard. He loves Artie on the show and he thinks that it's career suicide to jump from something successful to another project. Howard went to break at around 8:15, almost an hour after his last break.
FWR3: Gange Girl Problems & Fight With John - June 18, 1993. 06/01/12. 7:55am
Next on Fight Week they played a segment from 1993 when Howard talked to Mike Gange about his girl problems and Gange got into it with John.
In the clip Howard was talking about how Mike Gange broke up with the girl he set him up with at the station. Howard said this girl, Jen, was really nice and cute. Howard had him come in to talk about this. Gange was all depressed according to Howard. Howard said he has to stop acting like a burnt woman. Gange said he's not acting like that. Howard said he never really wanted that girl Jen. Gange said he did and he still does. Howard said if he got her back Gange would dump her for someone else. Gange said he's not like that. He said he is a jerk in some ways but he's not like that.
Howard said Gange broke up with Jen because he thought he could do better. Howard said he told him he can't do better but he didn't listen to him. Gange said he never said he could do better. Gange said he never said he hated her or anything like that. Howard said he knew Gange wanted something else. He wanted something like what he sees on Baywatch. Gange said they're so wrong about this.
Howard said their other intern, Mikey Stein, has always liked Jen. He said that he never hit on her when Gange was going out with her. Howard had Mikey on the phone so he got him on. Mikey was there with Jen. Howard said maybe Gange should leave. Gange said that's just wrong in his book. He said he didn't want to hear this story.
Gange told Mikey that he didn't go out with his sister because he didn't want to freak him out. He said he thinks it's wrong if Mikey is uncomfortable with it. Mikey said he wouldn't have had a problem with it at all. He said he was fine.
Howard said Gange wanted to move on to greener pastures so he broke up. Mikey asked John if he should date Jen and it looked like it was over between them. Gange said he never said that. He said they stayed together for a long time after they thought they broke up. Gange said she just didn't want to tell anyone.
Howard said Jen was the best thing that ever happened to Gange. Howard said now Mikey is with her. Mikey said that they've been friendly for a long time.
Stuttering John came in and Gange went off on him thinking that he was pushing Mikey to date her. John said that Mikey is his close friend and he's been friends with him a long time. He said he didn't push him into it. Gange said he must have told Jen that he's a great guy. John said he was trying to get Mikey back together with another girl.
Gange said he wishes that John had stayed out of it. John said he did. Gange said that he knows that he was going behind his back and told her to go out with him. Howard said he believes that John did that. John said Mikey liked her before Gange even went out with her.
Robin said that this is all Gange's fault because he wasn't able to make a commitment to Jen. She said that Mikey might as well go for it if Gange isn't going for it. She said she doesn't get why he has to hate now.
Howard said Gange was ready to move on. He said he could get her back for him tomorrow but he won't do it. Howard said Gange is like him. He said he thinks he wants her but he really doesn't. He said that Gange doesn't think she's good enough for him. Gange said he just found this out recently. He said he has had other dates. Howard said Gange just wants what he can't have. Gange said that's not it. Howard said Gange should concentrate on stealing Grillo's girlfriend.
Howard asked Mikey if Jen is his girlfriend now. Mikey said they are dating but they're not exclusive. Mikey said she's not really there either. He was just joking around. Howard said Gange was really bummed about that too.
Howard said everyone loves Gange but Jen. He asked if he wants her back. Gange said they should get her on the phone. Howard said this is like a new game show... The Love Bloat. Gange threatened to take Jackie's pen after that joke.
Howard asked Mikey how long he's been going out with Jen. Mikey said they've gone out a few times. Mikey said they're not talking everyday. He said they have just gone out a few times. He said it's not really serious. He said they're just enjoying being single. Howard said this is the best thing for Gange. Howard said Gange could end up getting back with her and then 5 years down the road he'll wonder why he gave up his freedom.
Gary said he tracked Jen down on her vacation. Howard picked up on her and told her what was going on. She had missed it so she said she wished she'd heard it. Gange said he'd send her a tape.
Jen told Howard that she was the one who dumped Gange. She was hesitating saying why she did that. Gange told her to say whatever she wants. Howard said Jackie is leaving Nancy for Jen now. Howard said he heard that Gange got drunk and stormed out of the restaurant after she dumped him. Howard said he heard he stormed out of the restaurant too. Gange asked where he heard that. Howard said he won't squeal. He jokingly said it was Stuttering John who told him so John flipped out saying it wasn't him.
Howard asked Jen where Mikey takes her. She told Howard some of the places they've gone. Howard laughed. He asked if Gange stormed out of dinner so he wouldn't have to pay. Jen said he actually did pay that night. Gange said he's sorry for acting the way he did.
Howard said Gange isn't talking to John and now he hates Mikey Stein. Gange said he's an ex-friend. Gange said you don't fish in his pond. He said he won't be friends with someone like that. Howard asked Jen if she'll be friends with Gange. She said she wants to be friends but she doesn't want to go out with him anymore. Howard asked if she wants Mikey Stein now. Jen said they're making such a big deal out of this.
Howard said he doesn't get this. He told Gange to say something. Gange didn't have anything to say. Howard said these guys don't know how to fight over a woman.
Gange said that he has gotten past that whole Italian pride thing. He said he loves Jen and he always will. Howard laughed. He said he loves this because Gange is a kook. Howard said he loved that ''you don't fish in my pond'' line. Mikey asked where that pond is anyway. Gange said he's talking about all of his ex-girlfriends. Mikey said he wouldn't want any of them.
Howard asked Jen if she's dating other people. Jen said she sure is. She said she doesn't want to jump into a relationship again. She just got out of one. Gange said he's the same way.
Howard asked Jen if Gange has any shot at all with her. Jen hesitated so Howard said that's a good sign. Then Jen said it's over for her. She said that she's not going to change her mind. Gange said he knows how stupid he was and he has changed. He said he has confessed that he was wrong.
Howard wrapped up the discussion and Mikey asked Gange not to be like he's being. He said he gets what he's saying about not swimming in his pond. Gange said it's a loyalty thing and he thought his friends were above that. Mikey said he thought Gange was his friend and he doesn't understand this. He said he and Jen are just enjoying each other and they've been friends for years. Gange said he was hurt. Howard said he can't take the moping around. He told him to get that look off his face and cheer up.
Howard let Mikey and Jen go a short time later. Jackie said he wanted to get out of there. Howard said Gange doesn't really want her. He said he told Gange to stay with her and he was the one who wanted to break up for someone like Tori Spelling. Howard said he asked what was wrong with him. He said he never told him to get rid of her. Howard said he wasn't even good enough for Jen. Howard said Gange has the wrong attitude.
Howard asked Gange if he wants her back. Gange said he does. Howard said he looks weak. Howard said Gange is twice the man Stein is. Howard said he should be thanking John for hooking them up. He said he can get her back. Howard said if Gange can't beat him then he should become gay. Howard told him to go polish off 10 English Muffins now and he'll feel better.
Hottest Chick - Biggest Fan Contest. 07/27/05. 8:30am
Howard came back from break and asked Artie if he was okay. Artie said he was fine and apologized to Bob Saget who was waiting out in the green room while the big discussion was going on earlier. Howard then moved on to the Hottest Chick - Biggest Fan contest. The six girls came walking in and he said they were going to be picking 3 out of the six to compete in the contest. The first woman was Adrienne who claims to be a super fan who has been listening for 15 years. Howard spoke to Carolyn next. She was 33 years old and single. Howard told her that she had a nice body. She asked Artie to not leave the show. She's been listening for 12 years. Next up was Eden who's a nanny. She's 5'2'' tall and weighs 110 pounds. She claims that she's never had any of the husbands hit on her while she's been a nanny. After that Howard talked to Lori who was in earlier talking about going out with Dead Air Dave. She only weighs 90 pounds and she's also 5'2'' tall. Howard was having a hard time picking 3 of the girls to stick around. Next up was Christine who claims to be a super fan. She's been listening about 10 years and started when she was in high school. She couldn't listen every day back then though. She said that she would sleep with Artie if he wanted to. Next up was Rachel who is a bathing suit designer. Howard said he spanked her ass one time when she used to come on the show. She goes around L.A. crashing the pools and stuff like that. Gary said she was claiming to be 36 years old but she's actually 41 but she still looks good according to the guys there. Howard said she could pass for 20. She said her boobs are real and they're at a 34 B right now. She was starting to ramble to Howard cut her off and said he had to get to the other girls. She's been listening since she was about 14 years old.
Gary said he was going to pick Adrienne, Eden and Lori. Howard picked the same 3 as his picks for the game. Robin picked number 1, 2 and 3. Artie went on to pick 1, 3 and 5. Fred went with 1,3 and 5. Gary said that 1 and 3 are in and they had to pick between the two who tied. Lori was the last one picked to play. Howard felt bad about letting the other girls go but he had to play with just 3 girls.
Howard said they have a $10,000 prize courtesy of ''Trippin the Rift'' which airs on the Sci-Fi channel tonight at 10. He went on to play the game after that. He was going to ask the girls questions about the show. Here are the questions:
Gilbert Gottfried Comes In. 5/31/00. 9:15am
Love him or hate him, comedian Gilbert Gottfried cane in to plug an appearance he's making at Caroline's Comedy Club tomorrow at 8pm. Howard tried to interview him about what he did this past weekend but he's never clear on exactly what he did. Howard asked him if he went anywhere over the weekend. Gilbert said he pretty much just sat around the whole time watching bad TV. Howard tried to find out what he watched but even that was like pulling teeth with the guy. He mentioned ''Court TV'' and ''Saved by the Bell: The New Class'' as some of the things he watches. He said he can't get into the new ''Saved by the Bell'' though. Gilbert said he rarely goes out to eat and he doesn't hang out in bars. He doesn't even drink. He said ''..you'd think someone in my situation would..'' do that though. Gilbert hung out for the news while Howard let some listeners bash him on the phones. A lot of people dislike Gilbert in a big way. People were begging Howard to get him off the air but Howard thinks that he's good when he's on the show. He said he's no Seinfeld who a lot of people like but Howard finds him funny. That led to a short burst of Seinfeld impressions from both Howard and Gilbert.
Howard said there must be someone out there who likes him so he went through a bunch of calls to find one. He finally found a woman who is a big fan of his. She said she loves him and even asked him if he's single. Howard found a second person who thought Gilbert was funny but the guy ended up asking Howard a dumb question about getting some ''strange'' after 20 years of having the same ''baloney sandwich''.. meaning his wife. Howard didn't understand what the guy was talking about. He says he hasn't gotten any ''strange'' but no one believes him.
Hank the angry, drunken dwarf eventually called in to say that he likes Gilbert. Howard said it doesn't count coming from a drunk guy but Hank said he wasn't drunk, just hung over.
Today's Unnamed Vacation Special was over around 10:15am. There was no new Wrap Up Show today.