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Howard started the show talking about the new microphone he was testing out for the birthday show. Robin said it sounds different. Howard said it's so he can dance at the birthday show. He said he doesn't think he likes it. Howard said he'd like to have a regular microphone set up. Robin said it's very muddy. Howard said it is weird. He said he just wants to keep everything the same. Robin said maybe they can put that on the end of his regular microphone. Howard said he's not sure he'll be doing much dancing. He said it would give him some freedom. He said he'll try it. It's something different. Robin said when he changes mics he has problems with his voice.
Howard said he has his team coming in to help. He said Scott was there to help this morning and he thought it was like staring at the wall of death. He said he just stands there like Frankenstein. He asked Scott how he's doing. Scott said he knows Howard doesn't like chit chat in the morning. He made a change and took some of the muddiness out of it. Howard said he may use this thing. He said it's not too bad. Howard said he will be moving around at the birthday show so he needs this.
Howard said he's walking around right now with his headset. He said it does have a wire. Scott said he will have a wireless for the birthday show. Howard and Fred goofed on Scott for a minute and did their impressions of him. Howard said he's liking the microphone. He said they can use it at the birthday show. Howard said he's going to work with it until the commercial break. Howard said that was Scott and Thom in there helping with the microphone. Howard said he's Thom and not Tom.
Howard said he watched the movie The Butler and he really liked it. Robin said she did too but she didn't like the makeup they had on Forest Whitaker. She said it didn't look right. Robin said the performances were very good though. Howard said it was about a black dude who starts out as a butler at the White House and he works through a bunch of presidents.
Howard said he got a copy of the movie '''Labor Day'' and it's really good. He said Paramount actually gave him a copy to watch. He said it's coming out in a couple of days. He said he thinks it's going to be a blockbusters. Howard said the movie is directed by Jason Reitman and most of the fans know his history with the Reitman family. Howard said he really liked this movie. He said it is a chick flick though. He said he likes chick flicks too.
Robin said she saw that they ran a Bachelor special over the weekend. Howard said they never do well in the ratings. He said he didn't watch it himself. He said it was about one of the guys getting married. Robin said they had a special about the couples who have been successful. Howard said no one cares about what happens after the whole bachelor thing. He said they just want to see the build up. He said that these guys don't have anything going on in their lives and the women that marry them get to see that after they get married. Howard said they're left with how the hell they get back on TV and they get a free wedding from ABC to air it. Howard said that's how they stay on TV.
Howard said all of the guys are good looking but they don't have jobs. He said if you have a job you don't have time to be on that show. Howard said it must take months to go through the whole process. He said they can't possibly be working. Howard said all of the bachelors are losers but they're good looking. He said they're looking for women to marry who have jobs.
Robin said she heard a promo for The Bachelor and they said that all of the girls are going to be dancing with Juan Pablo. Howard said the guy's job a soccer player who just goes around to meet other players. Howard said he's not sure what that is. He said he should be doing that with other DJs. Howard said he could charge them to meet with them. Howard said the guy must be a role model or something. He said he must be motivational.
Howard said that's good looking guys. He said the girls want good looking guys and now they have them. Howard said maybe he makes a lot of dough but he's not sure about that. He said he must be making a living at going around talking to other players.
Howard said Dr. Agus says to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. He said most adults can't do that. He said that you should eat at the same time every day too. He also thinks that juicing is bullshit. Robin said that he says there is no science to back it up.
Robin said he did like her book and he's going to put it in his waiting room. Howard said that she's into too many wacky things. Howard said she's into a lot of hocus pocus stuff. Howard said she should eat more regular food. Howard said she has everything but magnets on her ears. Robin said that's what holds her microphone on her head.
Howard said he's going to have Dr. Agus on the show to promote. He said he it's a good book. Howard said when he wants to juice he goes to his refrigerator and gets an orange. He said he peels it and eats it. He said he doesn't have to juice it. Robin said you have to increase the nutrition. Howard said you have to read the book. Robin said she argues with Dr. Agus about that. Howard said he also suggests stop taking vitamins. He said he claims they cause cancer. Robin said there are so many things.
Howard said some maniac decided to put this stuff in a pill and you think your body can tolerate it. Howard said some maniac came up with that idea to take them. Robin said that they think you should take more than you need. Howard said he has a friend who takes vitamins every couple of hours. He said people think nothing of it. He said that you don't know what they're doing to you.
Howard said Dr. Agus also suggests brushing your teeth often. He said that you have to do that to stop infections that go right to your heart. Howard said he meets more and more people who smell from their mouths like they ate a shit sandwich. Howard said he has never smelled a stench like that. He said it's absolutely the point that you have to back off from them like 5 feet. He said they fill the room with their odor. Howard said these are highly successful people. Howard said you have to go to the dentist because it's pretty much painless these days. Howard said you have to get a flu shot every year too. Howard said he used to be against it but now he's all for it. Robin said she argues with him about that too. Howard said Robin argues with everyone. Robin said she's going to start growing a garden. Howard said that's a good thing. He said Dr. Agus suggests doing a garden even if it's on a window sill. Howard said he's going to have the guy on the show. He said he thinks it'll be good. Robin said he's a fascinating man and he's fun to talk to. She said he doesn't bore you with things you can't understand.
Howard said Gary is pounding away on cookies and he should stop that. Gary said he eats meat too. Howard said Dr. Agus is okay with that. He said you can eat it 3 times a week. Howard said he didn't say don't eat meat. He said you do what you have to do. Robin said he does suggest eating meat that's grown well. She said that it should be grass fed.
Howard said Jay treated him like he was a piece of shit. He said he didn't give any thought to how he was doing things. Howard said he doesn't wish him ill but he didn't like the way he treated him. He said it was tacky hiring (Stuttering) John and doing it behind his back. He said that it was like ''Fuck Stern... I'll hire anyone I want.'' Howard said it would have been a nice thing to tell him what his intentions were. Howard said he would call Jay and ask if he was okay if he hired away his band leader. Howard said Stuttering John wasn't organic to the show and not long after he was on the show he was off the show and writing for them. Howard said he thought it was a shitty thing. He said that's when he decided to stop being friends with him.
Howard said Jay thought they were still friends and he really didn't want to be his friend. Howard said he had some experiences with Jay on his show and he was like a robot. He said he would come back and say hello but it was all so robotic. He said there was nothing there. Howard said he's not saying he's the world's worst human being but he wasn't his type of guy. Howard said you just don't do those kind of things. Howard said he has done things in his life and trounced all over people's feelings. He said he just thought this thing was a no brainer.
Howard said he watched 60 Minutes and it was fascinating. Howard said Jay was so unemotional. Robin said he will never let you see what's going on with him. Howard said he thought it was like an interview they did with him 30 years ago. He said he does the show and then tinkers with his cars. He said nothing has changed with him. Howard said maybe he's evolved and he's just philosophical about life and he doesn't care that they're taking this show away from him. Robin said they are taking it away from him for a second time. She said he's like a beaten man. Howard said he's number one and he's willing to work a few more years. Howard said he's not sure why he doesn't say something. He said he has a feeling that NBC is giving him a big lump of dough to be gentlemen. Howard said Jay is being very sweet about it. Howard said it's remarkable. Howard said he wishes he could be that evolved and nothing would bother him.
Howard said Mavis was more upset about him being dismissed the first time. Howard said she was worked up about it but Jay wasn't. Howard said even Jay wondered why she was so worked up.
Howard said he was watching some of the Grammys and he must be an old fart. He said when an album came out it was a huge event in the past. He said it was crazy. Howard said it's like when a new Apple product is released these days. Howard said there would be lines at the record store. He said the artists today don't get any of that. He said Beyonce came out with a new album and no one seems to care. He said even Katy Perry isn't wondering and anticipating the next LP. He said it's just not a big deal anymore. Howard said he knows his parents thought their music was better than his but he still thinks his generation's music was way more important. He said it was way better. He said he still thinks that.
Robin said she watched the Sound City documentary and they really show you that point. Robin said they were real musicians and they created something together by working on it. Robin said with the computer stuff you hardly have to know anything and there is no passion there.
Howard said he was going around singing the Imran Khan song all weekend. Howard played the song about Hanzi and living with his mom. Robin said it's more catchy than the original. Howard said he doesn't know the original that well. Fred played that for him too. Howard said it's horrible.
Howard said he was thinking about Hanzi and how his real name is Imran Khan. He said he was wondering why he didn't come up with a nickname that was more simple like Paul. He said he's not sure why Hanzi is better than Imran. Howard said if you're going to re-invent yourself you should have something simple.
Howard thanked Panasonic men's grooming for being a sponsor of the birthday show. Howard said that's coming up on Friday night. Howard said he wants to see what happens if he puts the new microphone with the old one. He tried using both at the same time. Howard said he's even more present now.
Eric said he's annoyed with Johnny and Gary. He said they did not communicate well to get him to the birthday bash. Howard said this would have been right up his alley. He said he has to tell him that he blames everyone for his horrible situation in life. Howard said he should be more hands on like Hanzi.
Gary said this is on Eric. He said he never told him to call Johnny to work it out. He said he told Eric to call him back and he never called back. Eric said he didn't want to be annoying. Howard said he has to tell him that he is annoying. He said Gary has a lot of responsibility and he has a million things to do with his job. Robin said Gary told Eric to call him and let him know what he needs. Howard said Eric dropped the ball. He said Gary can't chase him around all day looking for him. Howard said he's like a needy woman.
Eric said he didn't want to be an annoyance. Howard said that's bullshit because he bugs people all day. Gary said he and Eric had a nice conversation off the air and they were very pleasant with each other. Gary said he asked Eric to let him know what he needs and he never called. Eric said he was trying to play it cool for once. Howard said he's the coolest and he's almost dead. Howard said he should have called. He said if you don't call back then it's over.
Eric said it's also on Johnny. He said Johnny found a company that wanted him to be there. He said Johnny should have worked it out. Howard said Eric thinks everyone else should have done something. He said he has to move along.
Gary said Eric has nothing else to do all day but figure out how to get there. Howard said he's right. He said he had one thing to do. Eric said he doesn't have the right connections. Gary said if he had just called him back and let him know what he needed he could have done it. Howard said Eric does this thing where he holds off. Howard said the real story is that Eric probably thought that if they wanted him there he wanted to bust their balls. He said now he realizes that no one gives a fuck and he could have been at the show and been a big celebrity. Gary said Jimmy Kimmel really wanted him to be there. Howard said he knows a lot of people who anted to see Eric there. He said that's not going to happen. He said it could have been the night of his life.
Howard said Eric didn't want to go and now he's realizing that he actually did. Howard said what's sad is that he would have had the time of his life. Robin said he's always shooting himself in the foot. Gary said this would have been like 10 Wrestlemania's together. Howard said he was one of the first people he invited. Robin said he didn't even have to do a contest.
Eric said he told Gary that night everything he needed. Gary said he did not. He said he told him it was hard to fly. He said he asked him to tell him everything he needed and get back to him. Howard said he thinks Eric wanted them to beg him to come. Howard said Eric fails to understand his place in all of this. Howard said they could have made it very special for him. He said he could have gotten himself there with their help. He said he didn't need Johnny to handle it. He said he hopes he learns from this and takes some responsibility. He said they were going to give him the weekend of his life and he blew it.
Eric said Johnny is to blame though. Howard said he is not. Howard said Gary asked him to call and he didn't call him back. It's as simple as that.
Eric said that he spent 4 hours at Johnny's house after shooing the show Legit and he told Johnny to call Gary. He said Johnny is the one who should have taken care of it. Howard said he has to go. He said he's going to miss out on this great show. Howard said they're going to have an amazing experience that night with a live blog and free streaming of the show.
Eric said he wanted to go from the get go. Howard said maybe he did but now he's not going. Howard said he doesn't think he did want to go. If he did he'd be there.
Howard had Hanzi on the phone next. They played him in with his song parody that they played earlier. Howard asked Hanzi why he changed his name from Imran to Hanzi. He said Imran is an unusual name and so is Hanzi. He said it's equally as unusual. Hanzi said it was given to him as a kid. He said it's a stupid story. Howard asked why that is. Hanzi said he had a shoe that had hands on it or something and it's just weird. He said they just kept calling him that in high school. Howard said he would hate that name as much as Imran. Hanzi said he has several. Hanzi said he has another one that's like T-bone. He said that's from an episode of Seinfeld. He said George ended up being called Coco the monkey. Howard said he'd call Hanzi that.
Hanzi said he asked his parents about the letter and now they're all playing dumb. Howard said that his dad must be playing dumb because he doesn't think he's ready to go off and hang out. Hanzi said his dad was ready to get his passport ready to go to New York. Howard said he must have re-thought that. Howard said he had a feeling that his parents didn't want him going out. Howard said he thinks his dad knows his medical situation and he knows how to handle him. Howard said he really wants him to go but his parents obviously don't want him there. Howard said that Hanzi has a Medical condition that stops him from doing things. Hanzi said he does not. He said he is on medication though. He said he's on some stuff for his depression. Howard asked if he's sometimes known as Coco the Monkey. Hanzi told him to stop it.
Hanzi told Howard that his middle name is pretty wild too. It's Qayyum. Howard said he knows he has a condition and he knew this was going to be a big deal. Hanzi asked him to talk to his dad. Howard said he's not going to do that. Hanzi said he was using his cell phone to call the show and the bill was like 500 bucks. He said he thought he had unlimited minutes. He said Steve has had to start calling him instead. Howard said he wishes they got a piece of that action when they call the show. He said that would be cool.
Howard said he thinks that it's done and Hanzi won't be at the show. He said that he has to get permission or he can't come to the show. Howard said he has to get his parents on the phone to work this out. Howard told him to get Shuli on the phone and negotiate it. Hanzi said his dad has a million questions. Howard said if Shuli can get through to Underdog then he can get through to his dad.
Howard said he has to go. Hanzi said he has to help him out. Howard said he can't help unless he has his parents sign off on this. Hanzi said he's always pushing him out of stuff. Howard said he really has to go.
Howard asked if he showed him his penis once. Hanzi said he didn't but he was on the show for the Biggest Loser contest. He didn't win though. Howard said he's going to get Shuli on the phone with his dad and see if that works.
Howard took a call from Dan the Song Parody Man who said he thinks he was thinking of Eddie the Produce guy showing him his cock. Howard said he thinks that's it.
Dan said he's bummed that he's not going to be at the party. He said he was listening this weekend and hearing Shuli calling Pete the Asian Virgin and guys like that and he's feeling that no one has produced more for the show than him. Howard said he thinks he deserves to be there. Howard said he's so sorry about that. Gary said he can't help. Gary said those other guys are part of the Wack Pack. He said that he doesn't have the regular room right now. Howard said he got a call from a guy who said that he couldn't believe he wasn't going to be there. He said this guy has contributed so much to the show and he just can't get him in. He said he's not sure if he can do anything for him. Dan said he's thinking of the thousands of hours of work he's done. Howard asked him not to guilt him about this. Howard said he has to blame Gary on this one. Dan said he would love to be there if anything can be done. Gary said he'll take the hit on this. He said that they complain that it's too small of a place but it's just the way they wanted to do things. Howard said he really has to go. He let Dan go after that and then went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said he has a guy there who has a penis pump. He said that Dr. Robert Cornell is also there to talk about the procedure. Howard asked the guy, Raleigh Hanks, what he does for a living. Raleigh said he's a sheriff. He said he has shot people too. Howard found out that he was shot at and he shot back. Raleigh said that he shot the guy right in the chest. Howard said he's a hero. Howard said he couldn't handle his job. Raleigh said he loves his job. Howard said he's a pussy. He said he couldn't handle being shot at. Howard said he'd just get the hell out of there.
Howard asked Raleigh if he's ever done a duel. Raleigh laughed and said he hasn't. He said he has killed 2 and wounded 4 in his career. Howard said Raleigh is a regular guy with high blood pressure. Back in 2005 he was married and he had some problems with his penis. He said he was married for 17 years and he has a daughter. He said then he just wasn't able to get it up. He said his wife has a 44 DD and she's sexy. Dr. Cornell said that's when they knew they had a problem. Howard said when you have high blood pressure and diabetes then you can't get it up.
Howard asked Raleigh why he didn't try Viagra. Raleigh said he did try it but 10 pills were $172. Dr. Cornell said that they're about 20 bucks a pill right now. He also said that they don't work for everyone. Raleigh said he was trying everything. He said he was taking two Viagras and that wasn't working.
Howard said it's the worst feeling not to be able to satisfy your wife. Raleigh said that she cheated on him. He said that's why they split up. Howard asked if she left him because he couldn't get it up. Raleigh said yes. He said they sued to do it every day. He said that she went out and found someone else and he ended up getting her back. He said he got the implant and showed her what she was missing.
Howard asked Dr. Cornell about this procedure and how it works. Dr. Cornell said that most insurance companies will cover this. Howard said that's wild. He asked how it works. Dr. Cornell said this is a 30 minute procedure and it's one incision in the nut sack. He said he puts in a three piece inflatable device. Howard said it looks pretty big. Howard asked how big Raleigh is. Raleigh said he's not that large. Dr. Cornell said he has a 12 inch device. He said that goes all the way back. He said it'll give you what it's got. He said your penis is like a football. He said you can only inflate it so far. He said that you squeeze the pump and it transfers saline into the device. He said that you can still ejaculate. He said you stay hard even after you're done. Raleigh said he loves that. He said he just keeps going.
Howard asked how long it takes to fuck a woman. Raleigh said he has had sex for an hour and 15 minutes. He said he was sweating and she was too. He said she was only 26 and he's 58. Howard asked if he shows the girl pumping it up. Raleigh said he doesn't show that part. He said he just squeezes it in the bathroom.
Howard asked how long it takes to pump it up. Raleigh said it takes 25 minutes or so. He said he will pump it up over time. Howard said he'd pump it up just to look bigger. Raleigh said he has done that.
Howard asked how many chicks he's with a week. Raleigh said 4. Howard said he's fucking like a crazy man. Raleigh said he'd recommend this thing. He said he wished he'd had it when he was younger. Howard said he doesn't need it.
Howard asked about how you can get rid of dribbling when you pee. Dr. Cornell said that his bladder might be distended. He said he has to go by the clock and not let it fill up too far. Dr. Cornell was asking a bunch of questions about his dribbling and Raleigh was laughing. Howard asked why he's laughing because he has to pump up his penis.
Howard asked Raleigh how often he has sex. Raleigh said it's 4 times a day. He said he has four girlfriends. Howard asked if he can hurt himself doing it so much. Dr. Cornell said that he cant. Raleigh said he's got 4 girls and they're all 30 and under. He said that they're all good looking too. He said none of them are married or have kids. He said he can't have kids himself because he had a vasectomy. He said he has 9 girls and 5 boys already. Robin said he should retire that penis. Howard asked if he masturbates at all. Raleigh said he never has. He said he has no chance to masturbate. He said he has all of those kids.
Raleigh said he became a cop and pussy was coming at him from every different direction. He said he has kids with 10 different women. He said his paycheck was $43.16 because the rest of the money was being taken out for child support. He said he had to work another job to make money. He said he has 14 kids total. Howard said that's wild. He said you'd think that after 10 he'd have a vasectomy. Raleigh said he didn't know anything about rubbers back then. He said he's the oldest in his family so his brother had to learn from him. He said his brother has 4 kids.
Howard said Raleigh is going to demonstrate his penis pump. Howard said he's not sure he wants to see this. Raleigh said the doctor can pump it up faster than he can. Howard asked if the Dr is going to get hard too. Dr. Cornell said no. Howard asked how many of these things he's put in. Dr. Cornell said it's about 1000. He said he puts in about 125 a year. He said there are 25 million men who have erectile dysfunction and they could get help from this. He said they are putting in 15,000 a year and most men don't even know this exists.
Raleigh said they gave him some options and one of them was injecting his penis with a needle. He said he can't do that so he went with this procedure instead. Howard asked how long it took before he was able to go with the full hard on. He said he was told to wait 4-6 weeks. He said that he had to tell his girls to wait but then 2 weeks later he had to give it a try. He lied to his doctor about it.
Howard asked why he has to wait that long. Dr. Cornell said that he wanted him to heal. Howard asked if he had to eat pussy instead. Raleigh said he has never eaten pussy in his life. Howard asked what he was doing during that time. Raleigh said he didn't do shit other than use his finger on them.
Howard said you can find out more about Dr. Cornell at EDDoc.net
Howard said Raleigh has a big penis. He had taken it out to pump it up. Howard told Dr. Cornell to pump him up. Dr. Cornell showed how it works. Howard told Raleigh to finish on his face. Howard said he has to see that. Howard said his penis is getting hard. Raleigh said that he's not really feeling anything though. Dr. Cornell showed where the pump is installed and how it works. He said this is the real deal. He said he thinks this will get the job done. He said that he's still hard even after he finishes. He said he can deflate himself by pushing two buttons. Howard said he has to get them on America's Got Talent. Howard offered Dr. Cornell some Purell.
Dr. Cornell also plugged the site StraightTalk.net where you can find a local doctor to help with this procedure.
Howard said that Raleigh is getting enough pussy. He asked why he thinks that all of this pussy came to him when he became a cop. Raleigh said it was like letting the dog out of the fence when he put on that uniform.
Howard thanked the guys for coming in and asked Dr. Cornell where he went to school. He said he went to Columbia. Howard said he must be a good doctor. Raleigh said he is. Dr. Cornell said this is a lifetime product and they have a low failure rate.
Howard wrapped up and said he really has to get back on TV because that belonged on TV. Howard gave them some more plugs and then went to break.
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Howard said she was a very cute girl. Howard asked if he was happy with his choice. JD said he felt he made the right choice. He said they were all very cute though. Howard said JD must want to fuck her. JD said he wouldn't turn any of them down. Robin asked if he just texted or if he spoke to her too. JD said they did talk a little last night.
Howard asked if he texted anything sexual. JD said they're just trying to figure each other out. He said he was asking what she does all day. He said he thinks she's a student. He said he doesn't really remember. JD said she lives in apartment. Howard asked what the opposite of the gift of gab is. Robin said it's the gift of no gab.
Howard asked JD what she does. JD said he doesn't know and then he started stammering about what she does. Gary said they had a conversation with JD about what his plan is and he could walk the red carpet with her. JD said he knows he has to figure out what he can do. He said that he will be somewhere back stage while she's at a table somewhere. Robin was cracking up as his inability to put a sentence together.
Howard asked JD to keep the text messages from her. JD said that he has them but he's afraid that the iPhone could screw up. Howard said this is something he has to keep a hold of for future reference. Howard asked if he did any sex talk with her. JD said he didn't. He said she's a very classy lady.
Howard asked if he invited her to stay at his place. JD said he did jokingly mention that she might want to stay at his place but he's not that easy. Howard and Fred did impressions of JD talking about her coming over and seeing the mice chewing on his pants.
Gary said that Jason was making some suggestions for what to do after the party. JD said he isn't Jason. Howard said he knows what Jason is going to do after the party. He's going to eat. JD said he's been invited to something after the party but it's a Super Bowl kind of thing. He said he still doesn't know what he'll be doing during the show.
Howard said JD has to make sure he touches base with her during the show and tell her not to leave without him. JD said of course. He said he knows this. He also said he knows he has to get in touch with her to walk down the red carpet. He said that way everyone can see them. Howard said it's JD and Megan the power couple. Howard said they can call them Jegan. JD said that now that's all he's going to hear now.
Howard said he's afraid that JD is going to lose her after the party. JD said he has her number and he's not worried about that. Gary told him to bring her to some things they're doing after the show. He said that will help. Howard asked what will happen if she meets Jared. JD said he's engaged.
Howard asked JD about how much time he spent texting her. JD said he didn't have a lot of time. He said he was busy moving this weekend. He said that took up a lot of time.
Howard played another Ronnie clip which was a commercial parody. Howard wondered what he was talking about when he said he moans like the moon. Fred had no idea. Howard said he has attracted quite a group around him.
Howard said they say that you should try to get the brightest and best around you. He then recited the line Ronnie said about moaning like the moon. He played a song parody about Ronnie and liking pussy and cars.
Howard said he has a bunch of Ronnie stuff. He played another song parody about Ronnie being an old man to the tune of ''I'm Afraid of Americans.'' Howard said that's very nice. He said that was from Matt Evans. Howard said that's finally a song not about Robin.
Howard said they're doing the birthday show this Friday and they have the Super Bowl in town too. He said they expect half a million people to come into town this weekend. Howard said he's not sure where they're all going. He said Giants Stadium only holds 77,000. Howard said all of the parties will be in New York but the game is in New Jersey. Howard said that they're doing something in Manhattan this weekend where you can toboggan. Gary said they're doing all kinds of things around the city this weekend. He said there are concerts and that toboggan thing going on. He said they're doing something on just about every block in the city.
Howard said that they're going to air the birthday show online for free to anyone. Howard said the pre-show starts at 4 and then the live show starts at 6. They're also doing a post show after. Howard said they don't have anything to do with that.
Howard said Queen Latifah married about 60 gay couples on the Grammys last night. Robin said she was just reading about that too. Howard said he didn't see it. Howard said he's proud that the American Family Association was saying that they were promoting sodomy on the Grammys. Howard said he's proud because they're looking more and more bizarre.
Howard said he has more to play. He had a new Gary song. Howard played that which was a parody of a Bruce Springsteen song. Howard had a song parody of ''Crying'' with Ham Hands Bill and Bobo crying after the Wack Pack birthday show ticket contest.
Howard said he has a Bachelor commercial but this one has Andrew Dice Clay in it. Howard played that and had a laugh. Howard said Dice would be perfect as the Bachelor. He said that's his favorite piece of the week.
Howard said an opera singer is suing a doctor because now she farts whenever she sings. Howard said that she had some procedure done on her and now she farts. Howard said it was an Episiotomy. JD came in and told Howard that she had a botched surgery and it caused her to have flatulence and incontinence. Howard played an opera singer clip and included some farting clips with that. Howard said he'd pay great money to see something like that. He said they should put her on America's Got Talent. He said they should book her for the birthday show with Will the Farter.
Howard replayed The Bachelor clip with Dice Clay in it. Howard said they could go from that right into this and then played the clip of the opera singer farting. Howard told the guys to book her for the birthday show. Howard played a farting birthday song and said that's from Dan the Song Parody Man and he can't believe he won't be at the birthday show.
Howard said he saw the Frankenstein movie didn't do very well this weekend. Howard said maybe people couldn't deal with the guy being good looking. Howard said they should hire him to play parts like that.
Howard said Jonah Hill made news about being on the show. Howard said he admitted he only made 60 Grand for doing The Wolf of Wall Street. Howard said that must be what Leonardo DiCaprio spends on condoms in a week.
Howard said Bruce Jenner is looking more and more like a woman. Robin said she saw him on the Kardashians and his hair is long now. He has long nails and a very feminine looking face. Howard said they should call him Bruce Jennifer. Howard said that's what they should call him if they meet him. Robin said if he's not trying to be female he's doing everything wrong.
Howard said Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing and being drunk. Howard said that's much more manly than the egg throwing thing. Robin said his blood alcohol level was only 0.014 so he wasn't even drunk. Robin said he wasn't even drunk so he can't even drink. Robin said a little beer can make him act drunk. Howard said he's trying so hard to be a bad boy.
Howard had a clip from Saturday Night Live where he was mentioned. He didn't see it so he just played the clip. They were doing a commercial for Lamborghini and mentioned Howard's name in it. Howard said he likes being referenced. Gary said it was two ex-porn stars doing a commercial and getting everything wrong.
Howard said he has a clip of Glenn Beck reading Frank Sinatra and pining for the days of Frank. Howard played the clip and said he has to get into this. He said that guy is a fucking weirdo. He said he's a youngish guy and he's into some weird things. Gary said that Frank didn't even write his own songs. He just sang them. Howard said this is like William Shatner stuff. He said that he should do that too. He started reading the lyrics to a song like Beck was doing in that clip. Howard asked Robin what she thinks. Robin said he has to wake everyone up now.
Howard played more of Glenn Beck's reading and said that show sounds deadly. Howard said maybe they should turn back the clock and go back 50 years. Howard said Beck thinks we need more Sinatra. Howard said maybe he can come in tomorrow and do Al Jolson in blackface.
Howard said he has another great clip. He said they were doing the news on MSNBC and they broke in with breaking news during a story about President Obama. They broke in with breaking news from Miami about Justin Bieber being arrested. They interrupted a congresswoman while she was in the middle of a sentence. Howard said that's so great. He said that must have made the congresswoman feel like a class 1 asshole.
Howard broke into the news and said that Miley Cyrus was showing camel toe. Howard said he is way more interested in that Justin Bieber story than the other thing they were talking about. Howard said he'd much rather hear that story. He said that's his favorite clip.
Howard said Joey boots got on Al Jazeera TV last week during the snow storm. Howard played the clip and Joey got in a ''Baba Booey, Baba Booey, Howard Stern's Penis'' and some other stuff. They cut away from Joey quickly after that.
Howard played a clip of someone getting in a Baba Booey and Howard Stern's Penis during another news report. Howard said that wasn't Joey. He said that's the popular thing that people yell out now.
Howard let the song play a little more and gave up. He said that he didn't see any of the show last night. He said he was too tired to stay up. He said he's trying to stay healthy for the birthday show too. He said he wants to enjoy it.
Howard said that they're going to be serving food at the event and it's going to be awesome. The caller asked if he can play a game for tickets. Howard said he can. The caller, Bob, said he'd do whatever he wants to play.
Howard said he has an Asian Pete game but he has something even better. He said they have a cumming or weight lifting game. Howard said he's going to play that and it's a clip and you have to tell him if the guy is cumming or weight lifting. Howard played the first clip as an example. Howard said that was not Robin's boyfriend. Robin said she's never heard that kind of thing before in the bedroom. She said that it could be cumming though. Fred said he'd agree although he's not sure how he'd know that. Howard asked Bob what he thinks. He said it was weight lifting. Howard asked where the answer is. Gary said he has the answers written down. They're not audio clips. Howard said it's weight lifting. Bob was right.
Howard asked Gary where they got that from. Gary said Richard and Sal put it together. Howard said he's not sure why they didn't play the full tape instead of giving the answers. Richard said they got the clips from YouTube and they're doing push ups and stuff. He said you can't hear the weights or anything.
Howard said he's going to play the next clip and this is for tickets. Howard played the clip and asked Bob if it's cumming or weight lifting. Bob said that one is a tough one. Howard said if he heard that guy at the gym he'd have him thrown out. Fred said he's going to guess this one is cumming. Robin said she's going to say the same thing. Howard asked Bob what he thinks. Bob said he's going with cumming. Howard said the answer is cumming. Bob won the tickets. Howard put him on hold.
Howard played another clip and had Robin guess if it was cumming for weight lifting. Robin guessed it was weight lifting and she was right. Howard had another one where the guy was screaming that Robin guessed was cumming. Robin was right again. Howard played another one and Robin guessed it was weight lifting. She was wrong that time. It was cumming. Howard played another yelling clip and Robin guessed it was weight lifting. She was right again. Howard had another one that she guessed was weight lifting and she was right again. Howard played the last one of a guy making a really odd sound and Robin guessed it was cumming. She was right again.
Howard said that Bernie Madoff had a heart attack in prison. He laughed. Howard said the guy is a scum bag and should die.
Howard said Stephen Hawkings said that black holes may not even have event horizons. Howard said he read that headline and didn't even understand it. Howard said for someone who never gets off his ass he sure knows everything. Howard said he should do what he does and come out with a statement and then change it 10 years later. Howard said he has no idea what an event horizon even is. Benjy didn't know and Fred didn't either.
Howard said he has a lot of things he wants to play but he may not get to. He said he has a clip of Sal and Richard going out and asking people waiting on line for One Direction tickets questions. They interviewed the first person in line how long she had been there and if she thinks the writer for One Direction was better than John Lennon. She did of course.
Gary said that was in front of NBC. He said that they waited in line to get in to see Saturday Night Live on Thursday. Gary said it was raining out and they had umbrellas on their chairs. The girls were all screaming. Howard had Mariann from Brooklyn on the phone and he said they're in training for her job. Mariann said they're going to be back at the New Jersey Performing Arts Center for picking the acts for AGT this season. Howard said they're doing the live shows at Radio City though. Mariann said she'll see Howard at the party but she has a pimple today. She started screaming like the One Direction fans so Howard hung up after a few seconds of that.
Howard said Benjy found out what an event horizon is. Benjy said one of the definitions is a boundary past when something happens. Robin said it's an invisible cloak that doesn't even allow light to escape.
Howard said there's a horror movie called Event Horizon that Richard told him about. Howard said he has no idea what that is. Richard came in and told Howard about it. He said a space ship goes into a black hole and they find hell in there and it follows them around. He said he may have been drunk when he saw it. Howard said everything is so great to Richard but then he says he was drunk when he saw it. Howard asked if there are any movies he doesn't love. Richard said he didn't like the new Woody Allen movie ''Blue Jasmine.'' He said he did like Dice in it though. He said he wasn't drunk watching that. He said he was drunk when he watched Breakfast Club yesterday. He said he's been good with the drinking this month. He said he hasn't been drinking during the week.
Howard asked if he's going to drink at the birthday show. Richard said he won't because they're working. He said Gary told him he doesn't want him to drink so he won't. He said that's unless Howard wants him to.
Howard said they're going to have about an hour and a half of musical performances at the start of the birthday show. He said that Jimmy will be hosting. Richard said they say that the weather is supposed to be good by then too. Howard and Fred did their impressions of Richard talking about his movies. They were talking really slow and talking about doing gay stuff with Sal.
Richard said he would have come in and pumped up that guy's penis earlier. Howard said the doctor took care of that and seemed to enjoy it.
Howard took a call from Tommy in Malden who said he wanted to talk about Jay Leno and what a robot he was. Howard said that they didn't ask Jay why he's okay with NBC letting him go this time but he wasn't 4 years ago. He said it doesn't make sense. He said he had to go to break after that.
Howard came out of break and said he had a little email to get to. He read some mail about how people love JD and his dating. Howard said they were asking for more JD and saying he's radio gold. Howard read more about JD and how he gained weight. The person suggested they get him a treadmill desk. Howard said that's too hard. He said he can't do more than one thing at a time himself. He said he's not a multitasker.
Howard read that someone had question about Tommy John. Howard said he just knows the underwear. He said he ordered a dozen pair of Tommy John underwear. He said he got two free t-shirts because of that. He said he'd rather have more underwear.
Howard read about Jonah Hill being on the show and said they got some positive feedback about that. He also read some mail about GMOs being in cereals and Robin pointed out that Cheerio's never had them to begin with.
Howard read some mail about Kevin Nealon and people were talking about how great he was as a guest. Howard said someone suggested they remove Benjy from the studio because he has no respect for boundaries. Howard said this person says no one would miss him if he was gone. Howard said it's a cold world. Howard said they wanted him to give Gary power to fire Benjy. Howard said Benjy took a hard hit this week. Howard asked if he's okay. Benjy said he's depressed but he knows Howard doesn't want to get into it. Robin asked if Howard had a conversation with him off the air. Howard said he did. He said he hopes he calmed him down.
Gary said he has an entire page of Robin songs that they haven't played yet. Howard said that they have about 32 songs up there. Howard said he's going to randomly play one. Howard played one where they had Robin singing the Vagina Queen's vagina song. Howard said that was nice.
Howard said he has one more Grammy tape to play. He said they had Queens of the Stone Age performing and in the middle of it they just talked right over them. Howard said they must have felt the ratings were slipping away. Howard played the clip and they played commercials over the performance. Then they cut away. Robin said they ran out of time and the show ran long so they had no choice but to cut them off. Howard said he heard Dave Grohl said ''fuck you'' to the Grammys. Benjy said he thinks it was Trent Reznor who did that. Howard said you don't invite them there to cut them off.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to say happy birthday do his girlfriend. Howard cut him off and said he's annoying and hung up. Howard said he took forever to get on the line and then wanted to wish his girlfriend a happy birthday.
Howard said he wanted to get to some news. Robin asked him about listening to a Seal and Led Zeppelin song. Howard said he was picking songs to use during the birthday show for breaks and stuff. He said he found this version of ''Hey Joe'' that he wanted to play. He played a version of the song but it wasn't what he wanted. He said that there's a cool cover of that song by Ice T. He said he has played that on the show before. Robin said she went to a Seal concert and he does his two hit songs and then does nothing but covers.
Howard played the Ice T cover of ''Hey Joe.'' He said he likes this version. Howard said Ice T did that with his band Body Count.
Robin got to her news and read about last night's Grammy Awards and had some of the winners. Robin said that Daft Punk won and they walk around like robots. Howard said he finds all of that stuff stupid and annoying. Howard said you have to feel like a douche standing there next to Paul McCartney in an outfit like that. Robin said that Lorde won for her song ''Royals.'' Howard said he doesn't like that song. He said he's not a real Lorde guy. Robin said it's very redundant. Howard said he's not sure what she really looks like. He said they must air brush her like crazy. Robin said she's a 17 year old so she may have a skin condition.
Howard played the top 5 songs since they were talking about that kind of stuff. They had Eminem, Christina Aguilera, One Republic, Katy Perry and Pitbull in the top 5. Howard said he doesn't know anything about that guy. Robin said he's a DJ and he may be Hispanic. Howard said he's not sure what he is. He said he thought he was good at picking that stuff out but not with him. Fred found that he's Cuban American.
Robin read about some of the performances from the Grammy Awards and had some clips. She had a clip of Beyonce opening up the show with Jay Z. Howard said he couldn't tell who she was. He said he thought it was a white woman. Robin had some audio of Lorde performing Royals on the show. Howard said at least she was singing. Robin had some audio of Jay Z thanking Beyonce and his daughter when he was accepting an award. He said he had a gold sippie cup for his daughter. Robin had some audio of Paul McCartney performing his song Queenie Eye with Ringo on drums. Howard said he heard there was a second drummer on stage. Fred said there was. He said Ringo was probably fine with that since he's got so much to do. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
After the break Howard came right back. Robin read more Grammy news and had more clips to play. Robin had the Everly Brothers tribute and some Daft Punk with Stevie Wonder and others. Howard said that didn't sound good. Howard asked if those guys were wearing their helmets. Robin said they were. Howard said you have to feel like a douche bag wearing that stuff. He said he should have done that early on in his career. He said there are some fugly DJs out there. He said that if you wear that helmet then it might work. He said they wear those motorcycle helmets and they probably don't even ride motorcycles. Robin said she thought they were escapees from a Star Wars set. Robin said Paul Williams came up to accept with Daft Punk and he had something to do with producing that album. Robin had a clip of that. Howard asked how old he is now. Robin said he has to be in his late 60s. Howard said it says there that he's 73.
Howard said they could wear picture frames around their heads if they start a band. Howard said Robin could stick her heard through the Mona Lisa or something. Howard said they can feel like the two biggest assholes when they go up to accept awards dressed like that.
Howard asked Robin what she's wearing to the birthday show. Robin said she hasn't decided yet. Howard said Beth put on a fashion show for him. He said she had 5 outfits to try. He said she should do a costume change during the show. Robin said she should. Howard said Daft Punk does a helmet change. Howard said he has his outfit picked out. He said that he has decided what to wear. He said he's Rock N Roll sheik.
Robin asked Howard about when he was getting engaged if he ever thought about putting it up on a billboard. Howard said ''Oh yes... because I want to be a flaming asshole.'' He said that always looks bad. Robin said these guys can remind themselves of how bad they looked. Robin said this guy put together a flash mob of 200 dancers to propose to his girlfriend. Howard said that's too much free time. Robin said the woman liked it so maybe he's marrying the right person.
Howard asked Fred what he's wearing to the birthday show. Fred said he dug out an old tux. Howard asked if he's wearing a tie. Fred said he's not sure yet. He said he may just wear a nice shirt. Howard did a live commercial read a short time later.
Robin read a story about the weather there in New York. Robin said it's supposed to be 40 today but then it's going to get really cold again tomorrow. Robin said they say that the cold could be even worse than it has been so far. Robin had some audio of some expert talking about why this is happening.
Robin said there's a lot of ice and snow around right now. Howard said Beth can walk on that stuff in heels and he can't do it at all. He said he has to get out of New York. He said his shoes slip and he's not sure how people walk on this stuff. Howard said he's not sure how Beth does it. Robin said there is an adjustment to be made. Howard said he's embarrassed to walk in it. Howard said people have to help him walk to his car. He can't walk on the ice. Robin said on Saturday a man was rushing to a woman's aid when she slipped on the ice but they say that he robbed her. Robin said this was at about 3:30 in the morning. Robin said he stole $50, her Metro Card and her ID. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the Super Bowl being there in the area and how the teams are worried about the weather. Robin said they're worried about practice during the week since it's supposed to be so cold. Howard wondered why people will sit and watch that shit in the freezing weather. Howard said you know you're going to be sick after that. He said you just sit there freezing. Howard said he's not a lunatic. He said he would question if people hate him if he was offered tickets to the game. Robin said people have contraptions they wear to keep warm. Howard said he sits at home and watches it on TV instead of freezing. Howard ended up going off on people who don't root for their local team. Howard said if you live in New Jersey then you should be a Giants fan. JD asked if he'd move to Tampa and be a Tampa fan. Howard said he would. JD said that's like being a bandwagon fan. Howard said he's not a football fan but he knows that you should be a fan of a local team. Gary asked if Beth is still a Steelers fan. Howard said she's a Knicks fan and she's also for the Giants. Howard said she lives in New York and she didn't want to be stuck in Pittsburgh. Howard said she's a Giants fan. Howard said if you live in New York and make a living there then you should support the teams there. He said Will doesn't do that. He said he should denounce his fucking team and be a New York guy. Will came in and said he'd never do that. He said he loves the city but doesn't like the sports teams. Howard told him to get out. Will said the Giants suck. Howard told him to get out, he sickens him. Howard said Will's son is growing up in New Jersey and he buys him Eagles jerseys. Howard said that's not right. He said it's ridiculous. Howard said it's indicative of who you are. He said New York has been very good to Will. He said he has a life because of that city.
Robin had some audio of Peyton Manning and he was talking about how he'd like to go out on top. Howard ended up talking about how his dad never taught him how to throw a football like Peyton's dad did. Howard said you'd think he grew up in a can. He said no one played with him. He said he took up sports at summer camp and he wasn't bad but no one played ball with him in his family.
Howard took a call from Joey Boots who said he understands he's not going to the birthday party. Howard told him he has to take that up with Gary. Gary said he thinks they got back to him and said they didn't have tickets. Gary said he heard that Joey isn't going to do the Baba Booey things anymore. Joey said that had nothing to do with the tickets. Joey said that had nothing to do with it. Gary told Joey he doesn't have enough tickets to give to everyone. Gary said he has a list of 20 other people who have the same story. Howard said that the show has been good to Joey. Gary said he didn't have a lot of tickets to give to everyone. Joey said he has to tell people he's not going and he feels like a piece of shit. Joey said even his own father told him he's wasting his time. Howard told Joey to tell people he's going even though he's not. Howard told Gary to work on getting him in. Joey said he'd even work the event. He said he'll hand out Hors d'oeuvres or something. Howard told Gary to work on that. Joey asked him to please get him in. Howard said he doesn't have a seat. Joey said he'll stand the whole time. Howard said he doesn't have an answer for him. Howard said Gary is on it and that's all he can say. Gary said if Joey was really a friend would he brow beat him. Joey said it's the only way to get through. Howard hung up on Joey and said he had no other choice. He did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said he really would like Joey to be at the party. Robin said she does wonder if she'll be seeing certain people there. Howard said he has had to say no to family members. He said most of this is for listeners to win randomly or they go to Sirius Corporate to hand out. He said they are maxed out. Gary said it's a no win situation. He said no matter who they give tickets to there's someone who is going to be upset.
Robin read a story about the upcoming winter Olympics. Howard said no one wants them over there. He said they're anti-gay and anti-America. Howard said they're anti everything. Howard said that they should be boycotting the whole thing because of the gay thing. Howard said he thinks it's wrong. Robin had some audio of someone commenting on that situation over there. Howard said fuck them and said we should get back to the cold war thing.
Robin read a story about Benjamin Netanyahu getting some crap from people over his son not dating a Jewish woman.
Robin read a story about an attack on a visitor to New York. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that attack. Robin said the man is an openly gay man and they're trying to figure out who attacked him and why.
Robin read a story about Sen. Creigh Deeds and how his son attacked him and then ended up killing himself. Robin had some audio of Deeds talking about his son's attack.
Robin read about some executions of people in North Korea. Robin said that the government is also looking into Dennis Rodman's visits to North Korea. Howard said they have to get him in there.
Robin read about how a Royal Caribbean cruise is returning 2 days early after 600 people got sick. Howard asked why anyone would go on a cruise these days. Howard said he's not sure why it's so great to float around on the water. Robin said she thinks it's for people who don't like to move around a lot. Robin said the boat is like their hotel and it just stops different places and they get off for a few hours.
Robin read a story about Edward Snowden leaking more information. Robin said he claims that the government is trying to kill him. Robin said that he's still out there talking and living in Russia right now. Robin said they're protecting him but the United States is trying to get him back.
Robin read about how the U.S. attacked some suspect in Somalia over the weekend.
Robin read about an Indiana lawyer who wants to ban gay marriage who has a son who is gay. Robin said the son isn't happy about that. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:10am.
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Jon said that Howard was saying that anyone who lives there should root for their local sports teams. He said he takes offense to that. He said that he grew up in Pittsburgh and he moved to New York. He said there is more loyalty if you stick with your team when you move. Gary said he understands players more because they get paid to move. Gary said that football is like the only sport where you can be a fan of a team in another state. Jon said that's not the way Howard thinks. Gary said there are Cowboys fans there that work on the show. He said he knows some Raiders fans who don't live out there. He said they were fans when they were growing up.
Jon said he wanted to talk about the birthday show guilt that's piling up and piling up. Jon said that Joey and Dan have a case and they do a lot of work for the show. He said they only have 1500 spots and they have to accept the way things go. He said he can't blame them for trying to guilt their way in.
Gary said they don't even really have 1500 seats to give away. Gary said they gave away tickets to the fans and then they have tickets that are there for VIPs. Gary said they invited friends of the show who people might want to see there. Gary said then there's a portion of tickets that Sirius got. He said now they're down to none for anyone else. Gary said that he was on the phone with someone last week who would not let it go. He said the person was pressing him really hard. Gary said he asked that person to let him off the hook. He said painting him into a corner isn't going to help. Jon said that they might do that thinking that giving them one is easier than saying no.
Gary had Jon take a call from someone waiting on hold. The caller said it seems like every Sirius event is in New York. He asked why they don't come to California or Texas. Jon said Howard isn't going anywhere. He said he doesn't want to do the show anywhere else. He said even doing this show at Hammerstein was a whole thing. Jon said that caller wondered what makes Bobo more important than Joey Boots. Gary said nothing. He said you can think of this like a wedding. He said you have to make choices and they don't even have a reason why. Gary said a group of people looked at the list and they found that these certain people were people that the fans would want to look at.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she wanted to say she agrees with them about the fan thing in your local area. She said Howard is wrong. She said once you're a Steelers fan then you're always a fan. Gary asked who she should be a fan of if she lives in New Mexico. The caller said she was born in the 70s so they're mostly Dallas fans. She said some are phoenix or Broncos fans.
Gary asked Jon how he thought he handled the question about Beth being a Steelers fan. Jon said he handled it very well. Gary said that Beth is a die hard Steelers fan.
Gary said that he scheduled his son's christening during half time of a game so he could be home for the 4th quarter. Gary said that was one of the greatest days in his life. He said his son got Christened and the game was great. He said he'll remember that game for the next 30 years. Jon said they had to go to break a short time later.
Jon said everyone as a fan wants to be at this thing. He said the whininess thing is a passion for the show. He said that's what you get from listening to the show. The caller said he has had to turn off the radio when people do that. He said that one guy who had the studio tour and tried to win tickets really bothered him.
Gary said they came up with his idea to do the birthday show and he thought they could put on a show that they'd remember forever. He said that he's sure there are at least 2 people who will never talk to him again over this. He said he thinks they're providing entertainment for most of the listeners and that's what they're trying to do. He said it's interesting to see where the enemies come from. He said it surprises you where it comes from. Jon asked where his stress level is. Gary said it's high. He said it ratchets up too. He said when he gets nervous he gets dry heaves. He said that it's almost like he's going to throw up and he can't breathe. He said that it's been happening lately. He said it's nay form of stress he gets and this is causing it.
Jon said that Howard and Robin were having an argument about who was healthier and Robin seemed surprised that Howard was already following the doctor's suggestions in that book. Jon asked if Robin thinks she's healthier than Howard. Gary said he thinks she has thought that for a couple of years. He said she was doing the vegan thing and that's when it started. Jon asked who is the healthiest person on the show. Gary said he would say Howard. He said he eats well and he exercises. He said he watches Howard eat at his house and he's jealous. Gary said he wishes he could eat like that.
Jon asked who the worst eater is. Gary said Jon might be. Gary said he eats pretty bad himself too. Gary said Jon eats a lot of fast food. He said JD does that and he gets the food in the styrofoam thing that you just pile food into. He said JD doesn't eat very well either.
Jon asked Gary about JD's date and what he thinks he's going to be doing. Gary said he doesn't think JD even knows. He said that he has to figure something out. Jon said he knows JD likes this girl. He said that it might be one of those ''It's too good to be true'' type of things. Gary said he thinks that JD has issues for being prepared a week in advance. He just takes it day by day.
Gary said he thinks that Ronnie might have a handle on it. Ronnie said he has some thoughts. He said JD has to make sure to get away after the show. He said she's bringing a friend with her and he has to make sure they don't disappear after the show. Gary said he should be making plans now though. Ronnie said he could make plans and she could be out the door. He said all of this texting crap doesn't work. He said he has to talk to this girl. Ronnie said you have to hear the voice and you can tell if you're being fucked over or not. Gary asked what the point is being with her if she's just yanking his chain. Ronnie said he wants to get laid. He said JD has to know in his mind that he's not getting laid. He said the chances are that he may not. Jon said that's always a chance. Ronnie said talking on the phone makes it easier to figure out if they're bull shitting you or not. He said when you're texting you can say anything you want and you can't tell if they're lying. He said when you're talking to someone you can tell if they're lying. Gary said he agrees with Ronnie about the phone thing but Steve is shaking his head.
Steve Brandano said that girls don't talk on the phone anymore. He said that texting is fine. He said that when girls don't talk on the phone then it's pointless. Jon said that Ronnie is saying that you can't figure it out if you don't talk to her.
Steve said he knows that Gary told JD to come talk to him in his office today. He asked when that gets insulting to JD. Gary asked if he thinks he's insulted. Steve said he's not sure. Ronnie said he thinks that he likes the advice. Gary said he does too. Steve said he's not sure and he may be in a different place than they are. Jon said they had to take a break after that.
Jon asked if this is something Gary would do if he had that problem. Gary said he's not sure what he would do. He said that's a last ditch thing. Ronnie said that whole thing scares him. He said putting shit like that in there is scary. He said he's not sure if it's guaranteed that it would work. He said that he'd rather go for pills first. He said he's not sure what he'd do. He said he's fine right now so he'll worry about it when the time comes. He said he's sure it will come.
Jon asked Jon Leiberman what he'd do. Leiberman said it would be a last ditch effort for him. He said he's not sure what he'd do.
Jon asked Ronnie about getting a vasectomy. Ronnie said he's not worried about that. He said his girlfriend has been on birth control for the past 6 years and things have been fine.
Jon asked Gary how he feels. Gary said he was against it for a long time but now he doesn't really need to do that. He said that he had a friend who had it done and his ball became the size of a grapefruit. He said he wouldn't want to deal with that. Jon asked Leiberman if he would do it. Leiberman said it's a risk and he doesn't think he'd do it.
Jon took a call from a guy who wasn't there. He took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn instead. Mariann said she has given her number out and people are calling her begging for tickets. She said she's not sure how they're going to make it. She said she has to keep her phone off the hook. She said she can't even say who it is that's calling her. She said she was stupid enough to give her number out years ago. She said that it's been ringing forever. Jon said they're just a few days away. Mariann said she knows and she's going and she has guilt for going. Ronnie told her to give her ticket away then. Mariann said no way to that. She said she's not that guilty.
Gary said that Joey Boots sent him a note telling him not to make him go back to drinking and doing drugs again. Gary said he's not even going to respond to that. He said he shouldn't be putting that on him.
Jon asked Leiberman about how he feels about the home team discussion. Leiberman said he disagrees with what Howard was saying. He said that you should stick to your favorite team and not just root for your local team.
Jon asked Ronnie what he thinks about that. Ronnie didn't hear the conversation. Ronnie said he follows two NASCAR drivers and he'd be fans of theirs no matter where they were. He said he's like Gary when it comes to the Mets. He said he's going to be a Met fan no matter where he lives.
Jon asked Leiberman to give his news story preview. Leiberman ran down a list of stories they had today. He mentioned the Joey Boots thing and how he asked Joey if he was stopping the Booey Bomb thing because he didn't get tickets to the birthday show. He said Joey said no and they played that on the air. He went through a few other stories and mentioned his show Leiberman Live that airs daily at 4:45 on Howard 101. They ended the show a short time later. They were done around 11:05am.
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Howard started the show talking about his opening song and how he was the worst the day they recorded that song. Howard said Rob wanted a rough sound but he wants another shot at it. Robin said he doesn't sing like that on the air. Howard said he was blowing his voice out doing that song. He said Rob called him a big pussy. Howard said he admits he's a pussy. He said that's what Dr. Agus suggests you do anyway. He said you don't take any risks. Robin said Dr. Agus doesn't believe in natural selection because he wouldn't be there if that were the case. Howard said he'd be there because he uses his brain. Robin said they had to be strong too though. Howard said you don't need that now.
Robin said Howard looks beautiful this morning. She said he looks good with that scruffy look. Howard said he always likes Robin too. He said he has two admirers now. He said Benjy is hot for him too. He said he likes to look at his ass and abs. Robin said she's not sure they'd have a good relationship but he is hot for him. Howard said the sex would be good.
Howard said JD has some kind of sexual musk going on. He said he got this voice mail that's really hot. He said it's a fan who wants JD. Howard played the clip and it was a guy talking about how much he wants him. Howard said he asked JD if he wanted this guy and JD said no. Howard played more of the clip and the guy was getting into how horny he makes him. He said he wanted to grab his big, hairy balls and put them in his mouth. Howard said he told JD this is a really strong come on. He said sometimes a girl would call in and hint that she wants to be with you but this guy is ready to put JD's balls in his mouth. Robin said it's the stank on the hang low that gets this. Howard said she's right.
Howard let the clip play and the guy was talking about how he wants JD's big belly hanging on him. Howard said JD hesitated to call this guy. Howard said he told him he's crazy. Howard said when the guy brings up the food JD started to give in. Howard said there's nothing hotter than that.
Howard said JD called Riley Martin up for sex once. He played a prank call JD made to Riley when he was trying to ask him out. JD was hoping to take Riley to his hotel room at a Ronnie's Block Party event. Riley told him he doesn't play that shit and told him to get the fuck off the phone.
Tommy asked if he can play a game for tickets. Howard said he can do that but he wasn't going to. He said he doesn't want to be a dick though. Howard said he has an Asian Pete game and it's not going to be easy. Howard said the birthday bash will be live for anyone who wants to listen online. Howard said that they're going to have a very easy way to listen and you won't have to sign up to hear it. He said this is his gift to the world.
Howard said they asked Asian Pete to say the names of states. He said you just have to tell him what state Pete was saying. Howard played the first one and it was pretty easy with Alabama. Tommy though it was Illinois. Howard said it was Alabama. Howard said that was just practice. Howard played the next one and it was Florida. Tommy got that one wrong too. He thought it was Georgia. Howard gave him another practice one and it was a little tougher. Tommy got it as Washington. Howard said he was right.
Howard said now it's time to play for real. He said this is the hottest ticket in town. Howard said they're going to try to keep the show to about 4 hours. He said Tommy can sit in his seat for 4 hours. Howard said he's going to sit there and hang with them. Howard said the world with come to him. Howard said Letterman is going to be there. Howard said he almost had to put a cattle prod to his balls to get him there. Tommy asked if Evil Dave will be there. Howard said it's actually easier to get the real Dave there than Evil Dave.
Howard played the next Asian Pete state and had to play it a second time for Tommy. Tommy said he might have it. He said Virginia. Howard said he'll give it to him one more time. It did sound like Virginia. Howard said he had better hear it again. Howard played it one more time. Tommy said he's sticking with Virginia. Howard had Fred lock him in. Howard said he'll break the news to him by saying it wasn't Virginia. It was Arizona. Howard said he'd normally hang up on him. Gary said he thinks he should. Howard said he will then. Tommy said he just wanted to say something. He said Jay Leno called 60 Minutes to do that interview. Howard said Jay is a douche. He said he did 20 years at number 1 though. He said he's happy to see him go though. He said he likes Jimmy Fallon. He said it's a personal thing for him. Tommy said that they hate him too so they're with him. Howard said he hates to see Tommy not get the tickets but Gary told him to let him go. Tommy said it was okay and hung up.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about the book he always mentions about getting things done. Howard said it is called ''Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity.'' Howard said that book has made his life better. He said it really has. He said that he has used the book to improve his life. He said he's way more organized and he plans out projects and things like that. He said he has free time and he has things to get to. He said he's very pleased with this. He said he's been looking for this for his whole life. He said his whole theory is that you get everything out of your brain so you can think up new shit. Howard said you can be more creative when you use his ideas.
The caller asked if he can play a game. Howard said that he can do that. He said this is Eric on the line. Howard said he's going to give him a state and he has to guess what he's saying. Howard played him a clip and Asian Pete said something unintelligible. Howard played it three times for him. He said he's never going to get it. Howard said he'll give him some help. The caller said that it sounds like Kentucky. Howard played him a clip of him saying Kentucky and it wasn't Kentucky. Howard said he's giving him a little help. Howard said now he has to take another guess. Howard played the clip over and over and it didn't sound like a state at all. Howard said it sounds like Comanche.
Howard said Gary has been having the dry heaves from getting so nervous about this birthday show. He said that he's been coughing a lot too. He said he'll cough before every sentence to resist clearing his throat in the morning too. Howard said Gary ran out of Post-It notes because of this party. Howard said that there are no more in the country.
Howard said that he liked what Fred said yesterday when he said that JD and Megan should be called Jegan. He said that it's going to end up being John Stamos and Megan by the end of that show.
Howard asked Eric what he thinks the answer is. Eric said he's going with New Jersey. Howard said that the odds of getting it are 1 in 50. Howard said that the answer is actually Missouri. Howard played the clip again and it didn't sound like Missouri. Eric asked if he can try again. Howard said it was really hard. Howard asked Gary what he should do. Gary sent Judge JD in to make a ruling on this. JD came in and said that they should hang up. Eric said he'd get him McDonald's anytime he's in New Jersey. That didn't help and Howard hung up on Eric.
JD said that she told him she has something to wear but she's saving that for that night. JD said he didn't want to ask to see a picture of it. Howard said Beth has 5 outfits that she's choosing from. Howard said Ralph was over yesterday and Ralph got to see the fashion show. Howard said it kind or ruined it for him. He said Beth walked in wearing a white micro-mini skirt and Ralph was looking at her licking his chops. Howard said she looked great. He said the second one was even better. Then the third one was even better. He said the fourth one was a white one with the stomach and ass and he told her to wear that. JD said she could do costume changes during the commercials. Howard said he told Beth about that but she didn't want to do that. Howard said she is getting all psyched up for it though.
Howard said he was wondering what Megan was going to be wearing. Gary said Will got a picture of the dress and he said JD's head is going to explode. Howard asked why she would send Will a picture of what she's wearing. Will came in and asked what the big deal is. He said he's giving her some fashion advice. Howard asked when she sent the picture. Will said it was yesterday. He said she was looking for some shoe advice. Will said the dress is great. He said JD may forget about food for 10 seconds. He said he's not sure JD can handle her. He said she's too much woman. Will said he was thinking of getting divorced for a second. He said he asked the girls when they were screening them if they were open to romance. He said they all said they were.
Howard said this girl has a whole sexy outfit for him. Will said that she's going to need panties for this. He said if she didn't have them then she'd be showing her bits.
Howard asked if JD will kiss her that night. JD said he's not sure. Will said he just got sick to his stomach. Howard asked if Will has been to JD's new home yet. Will said he hasn't. He said no one is getting in there. He said he heard it's at street level so you might be able to see what's going on in there. Howard said he hates windows. He said he feels like people are looking in. JD said people have telescopes and stuff. Howard said Amazon has drones now. He said he loves Amazon lately. He said he's ordering shit he doesn't even need. He said he's ordering books he's never going to read. Howard said he ordered a book about the creative mind and he knows he's not even going to read the thing. He said he's ordering pens that light up too. He said at night he'll use that so he doesn't wake Beth up. He said it's a Pilot pen that lights up. He said he has like 10 of them. He said he got the reading list from the guy who wrote ''Getting Things Done'' so he could read the same things. Howard said he's read Getting Things Done a couple of times and he always finds something new in there. Howard said he's going to read it again.
Howard asked Will what he thinks JD has to do to lose weight. Will said he should cut back on his eating and get some exercise. Howard asked if he watches what he eats. Will said he has to chase his kids around and he eats good too. Gary said he's the healthiest eater in the office. Will said that if you just eat fruit you're one up on the competition. JD said he eats fruit. He told Will to stop looking at him too. Howard asked if he eats it from a can. JD said it's fresh sliced.
Howard said Dan Forman sends him fruit from Florida when he goes down there. Howard said he loves that fresh fruit. JD said he'd eat fresh fruit like that. Howard said he would if there wasn't a McDonald's downstairs. Fred was doing his JD impression trying to decided on food and ends up ordering Chicken McNuggets. Robin asked if he even knows what they're made of. JD said he knows.
Howard said JD has to think about his health. JD said he knows. He said he's going to end up walking more now that he's moved. Howard was doing an impression of JD talking about pumping up his penis and eating his McDonald's food. Howard said he loves how Will stares at JD while he's goofing on him. Will said he loves JD. He said JD doesn't believe that but he really does. Howard said he loves JD too. JD said he loves Howard too. He said he strangely loves Will too. Howard told them to get out of there after that. Howard said JD just had him hang up on a listener. They went to break after that.
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Howard sang along with the song a little bit. Howard said he has to get this on his iTunes. Robin asked where he goes when he sits down with iTunes. Howard said he will remember a song and just add it. He said he got the new Bruce Springsteen album. He said he's been into Springsteen lately. He said he likes that album Tunnel of Love. He said that's the one he's been listening to the most. He said he must know what he's doing if that's the way he listens. He said he is a professional disc jockey.
Howard said he's so afraid of not being healthy that he didn't go to the gym this week. He said last week he felt something coming on. He said he's been waking up with swollen glands but they go away quickly. He said he's trying to stay healthy neurotically. He said he can't wait for the birthday show to be over. He said he's afraid of not being healthy.
Howard said he's blaming Ralph for being sick and being around him. He said he feels like Ralph is inside of him. He said Ralph was touching his rings and he was sick so he thinks Ralph got him sick. He said he narrowed it down to two people.
Howard said he hopes he's going to be okay for the Birthday show. He knocked on some wood in the studio just to be sure. Howard said his health is good enough that he can get a lot of sleep and he doesn't feel so bad. He said it's pretty mild.
Howard said last night he wanted to watch TV. He said he had sexual relations and then went right to bed. Howard said he had to do that after seeing that heavy black man getting his penis pumped up on the show. Howard said he can't get that vision out of his head. Howard said Gary told him about having him in a month or so ago and he though it would be funny. Howard said he wondered yesterday why he was allowing that on the show. Howard said he didn't want to see that. Howard said he thought the guy's cock was going to be a lot bigger. He said he had tremendous girth. Benjy said he has seen bigger. Howard said Robin has been with black guys. Benjy said he was above average. Howard said he didn't think it was that long but it was thick. Howard said he had the same thickness his dad has.
Howard said he doesn't have a thick one. He said his is very skinny like his face. Howard said Benjy used to run around naked all the time and he's tiny when he's flaccid. Howard said he just had an actual conversation with Benjy. He said he can do that once in a blue moon.
Howard said people emailed him about Eric and got a lot of accolades for telling Eric how it was. Howard said people liked how he told him that it was his own fault.
Howard said he got some Hanzi feedback too. Howard said someone wrote about how funny it was yesterday with him. Howard said he really would love to see Hanzi at the birthday show. He said that it's not Hanzi but Imran Khan. Howard played a new song parody about Imran Khan living with his dad and mom.
Howard said the guys were thinking that Richard Simons sounds like Marianne Faithful in the Metallica song. He played a clip of the song with Richard's clips in there. Howard said Richard fits into just about any song on the planet. He played a few songs that they put Richard's voice into.
Howard asked Gary who this guy is on the phone. Gary said that he claims he's from Inside Edition and he wants to talk about a penis pump. Howard picked up on the guy and the guy said he was listening to Howard 101 and they had Flip Wilson on years ago. He said that the technology sounded exactly the same. Howard said he remembers that. He asked how he'd forget that.
The caller said the penis pump guy was hysterical but he almost turned the radio off when he heard he was coming in. Howard said he was telling his wife about that guy and how wild he was. Howard said he was wondering why he was having him in but then he wanted to have him in every day. The caller said he just wondered about the Flip Wilson thing. He said he tuned into the Howard 101 thing and heard the Flip Wilson segment on.
The caller said Howard has met him before. He said he's the black guy who works at Inside Edition and he has done an interview with him. Howard said he didn't remember him. The caller, Les, said that he is a huge fan of the show. Howard said he remembers him now. He said that's Les Trent. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if he could hear her okay. She sounded like she was in an airplane. Howard asked how much longer he has to suffer with this. The caller said that Sternthology is amazing. She said what they're doing with Howard 101 lately is amazing. She said that today is her husband's birthday so she asked to win tickets. Howard said he'll play an Asian Pete game with her. Howard said the chances of her winning are just about nill. Howard said this game show thing is exhausting.
Howard played the clip of Pete saying the name of a state. It was almost impossible to understand him. Howard said it sounds like Roseanne or something. Howard said he knows the answer and it's ridiculous. Howard said it's not even close. Howard said he's the laziest guy on the planet. Howard said he isn't even trying. Howard said the chances of her getting it are a zillion to one. Robin said she thought it sounded like Warsaw. Howard said it sounds like Rosetta or Brazil. Robin said it's anything but a state in the United States. Robin said she has a guess. Howard said she won't get it. Howard said there isn't one sound that matches. Howard said the syllables are close. He said it's three. Robin said she only hears two. Howard said she's right. Howard had the caller guess. She wondered if he was saying Florida. Howard said he likes the ''a'' thing she's saying. Howard said she might be on to something. Howard said they already did Florida though. Gary said there are like 10 states that end in ''a'' so it could be something else.
Howard asked for an answer. The caller guessed Indiana. Howard asked if she wants to change that. Howard played the clip again and she stuck with Indiana. Howard said it was actually Montana. Howard said she was close. Howard played the clip again and it didn't sound like Montana at all. The caller, Becky, said she'll listen from home. Howard said she was a delightful woman and bailed on her own. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard said he got an email from a guy who said Beyonce really has become a white woman. He said one guy said that they're going to see her swimming soon. Howard read a few emails about how white she was on the Grammys. Howard had a bunch of comments that were pretty funny.
Howard said he was reading about their new mayor there in New York. Howard said they actually have a surplus of funds there. Howard said that's how god the economy is there. He said that DeBlasio is trying to figure out what to do with that money. Robin said he should build on it. Robin said they need jobs there.
Howard said they're in pretty good shape. He said he would just continue doing whatever Bloomberg was doing. Howard said when they come up with new stuff it turns out to be a disaster. Howard said he should check in with Bloomberg to find out if he should do it.
Robin said Madonna showed up at the Grammys with her black son. She said that he was front and center showing she's not prejudiced. Howard said she wore her grill there and he thought that was over. Robin said she's sure there are some people still doing that. She mentioned Lil Wayne.
Howard had some audio of Ryan Seacrest talking to Madonna at the Grammys and asking ''Are you grillin'?'' Howard said that's so stupid. He asked what the fuck is wrong with her. He said the face lifts have got to stop. He said she has to have an intervention. Howard said she wants to be young but she should just let herself get old. Howard said it's nice not caring how you look. He said it's weird that there's no wrinkles on her face. He said she doesn't look like herself anymore. Howard said she jumped into that weird black hole. Howard said maybe the Grill will be over her whole face at some point. He said she can be like Daft Punk and cover up her whole face.
Howard played more of the clip and Madonna was speaking to her son about getting a grill and Ryan cuts them off and says it's nice to see her. Howard said he's not sure why he'd cut them off. Howard said that's what people wait for. Howard said that they want to hear that conversation. Howard asked why he's such a great broadcaster and no one else is. Howard said if he were Ryan he'd shut his mouth and let Madonna talk. Howard said these papparazzi run around trying to find candid moments and Ryan has one and he cuts her off.
Howard replayed the clip and goofed on Ryan about his awful interviewing skills. Howard said they could have gotten into a fight over the grill. Howard said that something could have happened if he hadn't cut them off.
Howard said he's never heard the kid talk before. He said then you hear Frankenstein Ryan cutting them off. Howard said Ryan had Ringo Starr on the red carpet and what kind of question would you ask. Howard said you'd ask anything but what Ryan asked. Howard said it's the same stupid question that every interviewer asks. Howard played the clip and Ryan asked Ringo if he ever had any idea how big the Beatles were going to be. Howard said Ryan is so worried about his voice and did an impression of him. Howard said that no one would ask Ringo that question. He said he'd rather ask him what's in his pockets right now. Howard said you know the answer to that dumb question Ryan asked. Howard played it again and goofed on Ryan some more. Ringo said they didn't know and the whole thing was just a natural progression for them.
Howard said Jared Leto is a good looking dude but he is strange. Howard said he's going for the Johnny Depp strange thing. Howard said he heard he has a coffin in the middle of his living room. Howard said they ask him how he got it there and he doesn't even know. Howard said when you're single and a young actor you do strange shit like that. Howard said the next thing you know the guy is eating you out on the coffin.
Howard played the clip and Ryan Seacrest asked Leto about the coffin and he didn't even remember where it came from. Howard said he does remember but he's pretending he doesn't. Howard said he has it right next to the Ferris wheel in his living room. Howard played more of the clip and Leto said he thinks it's empty but there was a strange odor coming from it at one point. Leto was talking about how he's on tour all the time so he's not sure how some of that stuff even gets in there.
Robin said Leto shouldn't do interviews because he has nothing to say. Howard said he is a good actor. Robin said he was really good in that movie where he played a woman. She said she can't get that out of her head. She said he's butching it up a lot lately trying to get past that though.
Howard picked up on Hanzi and said that someone reminded him that Rachel Hunter was the mom in the video for that song ''Stacy's Mom.' Howard said she was supposed to come on the show once and she ended up running off and didn't come on the show. Gary said she showed up and she said she didn't knew she was going to be on TV and walked out. She wasn't camera ready. Howard said he can understand him being upset but not a model. Gary said they had been on TV for 12 years before that so he's not sure why she didn't know they were on TV.
Gary said he heard Frank Sinatra Jr. throwing shit in the green room. He said he just walked out. Howard said he has a right to be angry. He said his dad wasn't nice to him. Howard said he kind of treated him like a dick head. Gary said Frank and Frank Jr. would fight with each other at shows and it was just weird.
Howard got to Hanzi and called him the many names they've had for him the past couple of weeks. He had Imran Khan, T-Bone and Coco the monkey.
Hanzi was upset with Gary about the whole birthday show ticket thing. Gary said he got a 7 page letter from him and he almost answered him. Then he came to his senses and didn't. Howard said he would have to fire Gary if he answered a 7 page letter. Hanzi was about to say something but they played another Imran Khan song parody.
Hanzi asked why the do every song about him living at home. Robin asked why he thinks. Hanzi said Shuli never called him. Howard said he waited too long. Hanzi said he has to make it up to him. He said he has to give him AGT tickets or something. Howard said he can come to everything they do if he gets that note from his mom saying she's okay with him going. Hanzi said that's ridiculous. He said they just wonder what the hell it is when he gives them the letter. Howard said she just has to sign the letter and get it notarized. Howard said he's just worried about him and he doesn't want the responsibility. Howard said he just wants a night of fun.
Hanzi said Shuli was supposed to talk to his dad. Howard asked where Shuli is. Gary said he's not sure if he's in yet. Howard asked if he's on vacation or something.
Howard said Psych is making a lot of great song parodies. Hanzi asked if he can get Wrestlemania tickets or something. Howard said he heard that Bautista just won or something. Robin said she has no idea who that even is. Hanzi yelled and said they pretend that they don't know. Howard said it's just wrestling. He said they make that shit up. Howard said they plan it all.
Howard said Shuli isn't in yet. He said that figures because the one time they need him and he's not there.
Hanzi started to get into wrestling stuff and Howard cut him off. He said he's not into that stuff. Hanzi said he is into it. Howard said he is not and played a song parody about him freaking out. Hanzi said he wants to say something. Howard said no one cares about the wrestling thing. Hanzi said he knows he loves wrestling and he goes to the shows. Howard said whatever and hung up on him.
Howard said there's a clip on YouTube where this kid freaks out when this Bautista guy wins Wrestlemania. Howard said this kid is so upset and it's really funny. He said you have to check it out if you can find it. Howard said the guy is complaining every minute about people video taping him.
Howard said there's one clip where a mom finds her son home from school playing Xbox games and yells at him. Howard played the clip and the mom comes in and says ''You are not playing! Get off!'' Howard said if you're thinking about having kids then just listen to this clip. The mom yells at the kid to get back in bed and stop playing. The kid keeps playing. She yells at him about missing school. The kid asked what that was going to do. She told the kid that it was school time. The kid said he's not in school so it doesn't matter. She said she was screaming on purpose so everyone playing could hear. She told him to do homework and he said he didn't have any. She told him to email his teachers and ask if he had any homework. The kid kept arguing and the mom kept yelling.
Howard said he's pretty sure when you're a parent you don't expect that to happen in 15 years. Howard said parents have no idea. He said that kid ain't moving. Robin said this is really bad communication and all she can do is scream. Robin said she loves it. Howard said that's her life now. Howard said she was probably a nice young woman with a life and now that's what she has to do. Howard said his mom used to be a nightmare. He said his mom would never put up with that shit.
Gary said he has been there. He said his son has taken the day off of school and he's in an argument with him. He said that it's a fight and a struggle.
Robin said she gets what her rationale is. She said that if the kid is well enough to play games then he's well enough to be in class.
Howard asked what the attraction is out there. Ronnie said they have round beds and vibrating beds and stuff. He said he's never been there with a woman so he doesn't know what it's like. Howard said you never want to take a bath in a hotel tub. Ronnie said they have a hotel in Queens where they have all of those weird rooms. He said they have a jungle room and things like that.
Howard played a prank call the guys made to an adult film store using clips of Ronnie asking for squirting films and things like that.
Howard got to the caller who asked him an F, Marry, Kill with Heidi, Mel and Howie from AGT. Howard said that's ridiculous. Howard said he'd kill Howie and Fuck Mel B and Marry Heidi. He said that he can't imagine being in a long relationship with Mel because she's so intense. The caller said he would kill Mel and marry Howie. Howard thanked him for the call.
Howard said he read that Heidi broke up with her boyfriend. Howard said he used to be at all of the tapings. He said that he was a bodyguard. Howard said he's not sure what Heidi is going to do about AGT. He said maybe he'll stay with her as her bodyguard. Howard said he had a feeling that was breaking up. He said he caught a vibe. Howard said he hears things.
Howard said he thinks Heidi wants him but he's very committed to Beth. He said he's sorry but he's with Beth. Robin said Beth was on with Hoda and Kathie Lee yesterday. Howard said she was promoting the Kitten bowl that will air during halftime during the Super Bowl. Howard said Kathie Lee, Hoda and Beth all hit it off. Robin said she heard them asking if Beth was there and then they put the camera on her.
Howard said that Jeff Garlin is coming in. He said he's got a new show and he's on Curb your Enthusiasm. Howard said he met Larry David a couple of years ago when he was down in Mexico.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he felt safe down in Mexico. Howard said he doesn't feel safe outside of his house at all. He said he was okay down in Mexico but he won't go to town. He said Jimmy went to town and he thought that they'd never see him again.
The caller said he thinks that he can convince him to give him tickets to the birthday show without playing a game. Howard told him to go ahead. The caller started to tell a story about seeing him down in Philly about 25 years ago but Howard cut him off and said he really has to go. He went right to break after hanging up on him.
Howard came back and said they have Jeff Garlin coming in. He said he's on a new show called The Goldbergs. Howard said that it's new this season. Howard said he saw Jeff on Kelly and Michael the other day. He said they treated him like he was god. Jeff said they were very nice. Howard said he looked bored out of his skull on the show. Jeff said it's just one of those shows. He said he did Jon Stewart last night and had a lot of fun there. He said he and Jon are old friends. Howard said he's friends with just about everyone. Jeff said everyone but Howard. Howard said now they know each other.
Howard said Jeff was in Second City and you meet a lot of people there. Howard asked if it's hard to get in there. Jeff said it can be for some people. Howard asked what he did as an audition. Jeff said he can't remember. He said he worked in the box office with Steve Colbert. He said he would make people laugh there in the box office and he would do prank calls with people on the phone too. He said he would make a notation next to their name and tell them they were in the puppet and marionette section. He said he did that as a goof and the people would be looking up all night waiting for something to drop out of the ceiling.
Howard said Mike Myers was there when he was there too. Howard asked if he knew he was going to be big or can you not tell. Jeff said you can tell. He said he knew Steve Carell was going to be a star. Howard said he heard that Steve was a teacher there. Jeff said that's all a bunch of BS.
Jeff said that he was actually kicked out of Second City. He said he went on to do other things. Jeff said that's not the be all end all. He said that there are a lot of people who did great even though they were rejected from Second City. Howard asked if he has any names. Jeff said Jeremy Piven was thrown out and he's doing fine. He said Jane Lynch too. Jeff said he was kicked out and fired so much. Howard asked why that is. Jeff said when he was doing comedy he was respected by other stand ups but audiences were confused by him. He said at second city it was the other way around.
Howard asked what kind of comedy he does. He asked if it's political. Jeff said he never does political stuff. He said that it's all personal stuff. Howard asked what it was that they didn't like about him at Second City. Jeff said he doesn't know. He said when he left he told them at Second City that he was going to go out and get famous and hire them all. He said he did exactly that.
Howard said he heard that his audition went horribly at SNL when he got an audition there. Jeff said his guy asked him about that yesterday. Jeff said that guy is very good at his job. Howard said that they don't really do a pre-interview but they like to have a conversation before the interview.
Howard asked about the audition for SNL. Jeff said that he thought that this was going to be it. He said he had been doing stand up comedy and this was going to be a piece of cake. Jeff said that he never rehearses but he may learn his lines. He said he improvises his stand up comedy. He said he doesn't prepare. He said he's doing a roast for Boomer Esiason later this week and he has nothing prepared. He said he's just going to do it there. He said he has to know who they are and all of that. Jeff said Jeff Ross is going to be there and he told him he's not going to insult him. He said that he's going to hit everyone else there but not Jeff Ross. He said that they all think they can do comedy but they have no right.
Howard asked who else is going to be there. Jeff said that Jeff Ross will be there and some coach is going to be there. Gary knew who it was. It was Bill Cowher. Jeff said that's it. He said he's going to ask him what the fuck he's doing there and why he thinks he can do this. He said that the roasts are not genuine. He said he has a different way of doing things so that's what he's doing.
Howard asked how he's going to make this stuff up. Jeff said if he doesn't know who someone is he's just going to say that. Jeff said he's just going to tell it like it is. He said he'll talk about sideline reporters and how he thinks it's insulting to women.
Howard said he read that Jay Mohr and Lewis Black are going to be at the roast. Jeff said they're actually sending in tapes. He said they won't even be there.
Howard said that Jeff Ross is brilliant at doing the roasts. Jeff said that he loves Jeff and that's why he's doing the roast the way he said he is. He said he's not going to insult the guy who does it so well.
Howard asked Jeff about Curb Your Enthusiasm and how he's the executive producer. Howard said he figured he went to Larry David and said no one even knows who the fuck he is. Howard asked if that's what he did. Jeff said he knew him from stand up. He said that he was great as a stand up but he wasn't successful at it. Jeff said Larry used to do a bit about answering machines in the old west and how that would sound. He told Howard about that bit and how funny it was.
Howard asked if he would ask how he wasn't a huge star. Jeff said he was about to get to that. He said Larry would get up on stage and just look at them and say ''Uh, no'' and walk off. He said he would just walk off if he didn't feel good about something. Howard said he just wasn't built for stand up. Jeff said he'd like to talk him into doing more. He said he has enough money but he'd like him to do more creatively.
Howard asked how he convinced him to do Curb. Jeff said he was working with Alan Zweibel and they were going to do a companion show for Everybody Loves Raymond. He said they ended up going with the King of Queens instead of his show. He said Larry was in the next room there where they were working and he went out to lunch with Larry. He said that Larry asked him about doing stand up and he talked to Larry about that. He said he told Larry he had a great idea for him for an HBO special. He said it turned out to be Curb Your Enthusiasm. He said it was just improvising on his real life and that was that. He said Larry loved it.
Howard asked how he set that up for him. He asked if he goes to HBO and tells them what he wanted to do. Jeff said they went to HBO and presented it and the guy at HBO asked how he can not do this. Howard said that must be great. Jeff said that the first scene they shot was done like they had worked together for 20 years. He said that they were shooting it as a special and Larry thought it would be great as a series. Jeff said little did he know it would become what it became.
Howard asked why Larry didn't make himself part of Seinfeld in a bigger way. Jeff said he doesn't know but he did do Steinbrenner on the show. He said Larry didn't like the success at first. He said that there was a lot of pressure on him there. He said he didn't want to do another season. He said when Larry knows he has to do another season of Curb he hates it. Howard asked if Jeff writes for him. Jeff said he's involved with casting. He said that he doesn't write. Jeff said they do discuss what they can do different. He said his job is to keep things rounded and real. He said he also throws a word in so Larry can say something. Jeff said that he's there to make Larry look good.
Howard asked what they do to create this ad libbed show. Jeff said that he'll do something. He told Howard about how he took his jacket to the dry cleaner and he's obsessed about it but the jacket was destroyed. Jeff said that they take it really loose and then they fill in the blanks. He said that they do a minimal amount of takes with a scene. Jeff said he does every take different. He said that they may ask him to do something over just to get a different angle.
Howard asked how long it takes to shoot an episode. Jeff said it's about 7 days. Howard said there must be a lot of standing around. Jeff said it works faster than a scripted show. Howard asked if he can make a lot of money being the Executive Producer. Jeff said it's an excellent salary but not as big as a network TV show. Howard said he heard that HBO is cheap. Jeff said that's not true. He said they are at the beginning but then they get better. He said he had to beg Larry to ask for a raise so they'd give him a raise too. He said Larry went in and asked for a raise so he could get a raise.
Howard said Larry must really love doing something because the guy has so much money already. Jeff said he really does want to do things creatively. He said that he doesn't know if Larry wants to do another season of Curb yet. He said he won't know until Larry calls. He said his deal with the Goldbergs is that he can do both if Larry wants to do another season.
Howard said he heard he's worth like 10 million. Jeff laughed and said it's less. Howard said he has a lot going on. He said he has the TV show and stand up and all of that. Jeff said he makes good money but it's probably not as good as others. He said he's been doing stand up for 31 years.
Howard asked if he really does a different comedy show every time. Jeff said he does. He said he talks about what's going on in his life or what he's thinking. He said he went to the Comedy Store the other night and he was driving and said ''You Live and you Learn'' to himself. He said he was thinking about why he would say that and why he would talk out loud to himself. He said it occurred to him that he has lived and learned nothing. He said he spent about 10 minutes on that subject.
Howard asked how he got into comedy. Jeff said in about 1971 his parents took him to see Jimmy Durante and he asked if that was an actual job. He said when he found out it was he said that's what he wanted to do. Howard said his dad must have been thrilled about that. Jeff said he wasn't happy at first but then he saw his son on TV and he was thrilled. He said that he came and saw him one night and told him he was his favorite comedian. Howard said that's nice.
Howard said Jeff lived in Chicago as a kid and then he moved to Florida. Jeff said that it's still the south down there. He said there weren't that many Jews down there. Jeff said he went to high school in Davey, Florida. He said that there weren't many Jews there at the time. Jeff said he got out of fights by making kids laugh. Howard asked if he kept it quiet that he was a Jew. Jeff said he wouldn't go around yelling that he's a Jew or showing off his Yarmulke collection. Jeff said he played football and baseball there.
Howard asked Jeff about the Saturday Night Live audition again. He said Lorne Michaels showed up at a club he was performing at. Jeff said Tom Kenny was there and so was Rob Schneider, David Spade and one other person he can't remember. He said that Lorne was looking for people at a couple of Improv clubs. Jeff said he thought he as the guy. He said he had the improv background and the sketch background. He said he was a type that they like. Jeff said he was introduced on stage and toward the end of his introduction Lorne and his people got up and walked out. Jeff said that he went up and Janeane Garofalo and Dana Gould were there. He said he told them he couldn't get up and do it because of what had just happened. He said that he was do downhearted that he told the audience what had just happened. He said that the audience gave him a standing ovation after he told them what had just happened. Jeff said he had to just keep going after that.
Howard asked Jeff if he could have gone to Lorne and told him what he had missed out on. Jeff said he had his agent do that. He said that a few years later they came to see him. He said he went up on stage and destroyed. Then they told him that they were just looking for women. He said they couldn't hire him. He said they ended up hiring some women at the time.
Howard asked Jeff if he can watch SNL now. Jeff said he used to be bitter but he got past that. He said he's on the Howard Stern Show now. He said that he's doing great.
Howard said Jeff was in Daddy Day Care with Eddie Murphy. He said that must have been intimidating. Jeff said it was kind of. He said he and Eddie started out at the same time. He on the set of that movie he would get ready to say something and Eddie was always funnier than him. He said it's crazy. He said he dies that Eddie doesn't make great movies. Howard said something is wrong there and maybe he's just not motivated. Jeff said it might be that or a joy thing. Jeff said they made a sequel to the movie and he and Eddie were both not in it. He said they offered him about half of what he asked for and he just wasn't going to do it.
Howard said Jeff was in Wall-E and he actually blew his voice out from yelling so much during the making of that movie. Jeff said that is true. He said that he has taken singing lessons to learn to use his voice in a better way.
Howard asked if he was roommates with Conan O'Brien. Jeff said he was. Howard said it's crazy that he's got all of these connections. Jeff said that Jon Stewart actually sublet from him. He said Conan was a great roommate. Jeff said he's the bad roommate. He said he had an air conditioning unit in his room there were none in the rest of the apartment. He said he would go in there and close his door.
Howard asked about living with Conan. Jeff said this was around the time that Joan Rivers left the FOX show. He said he and Conan did a fake talk show in their living room and it was called Wild Blue Yonder and they had George Takei as a guest. Jeff said he would do an Adam West impression. Howard asked him to do the impression. Jeff did it for him. Howard asked if he has the tapes of that stuff. Jeff said they don't. Howard said he would turn that into a special tonight if they did. Jeff said that he would play Adam West and he would belittle George Takei in this fake TV show they were doing. He said the day Conan moved out they did one last show and Conan had George Takei shoot himself in the head.
Howard said that Conan seems like the kind of guy who shouldn't be doing a talk show. Jeff said he's really good when he listens to his guest. He said that doesn't always happen. Jeff said he's told Conan that and he does that because he's his friend. Howard said that it does seem like its more about Conan than his guest sometimes.
Jeff said he'd like to do a weekly talk show. He said there are times that these guys get stale guests and they're boring. Howard said that they can get away with it because they're good looking or charismatic.
Jeff said he's trying to think of this woman's name. He said she's married to Cash somebody. Robin figured it was Jessica Alba. Jeff said he followed her on Conan one night and she was deadly. He said that she was not interesting at all. Jeff said that people are usually friendly at a show like that but she kept her door closed. Howard asked if she looked good. Jeff said he followed her on Conan and said he would never follow her again. He said that too many people turned off their TVs. He said that he heard he was doing Jimmy Kimmel one night and he found out that it was Jessica Alba again. He said that he asked if she was wearing a bikini or getting naked. He said they said no and he said he wasn't going to do the show. He said he went on after Kanye West the next week. He said he made fun of Kanye that night and it was great.
Howard asked Jeff about Conan going through the whole Jay Leno thing. He asked if he heard from him during that. Jeff said he's the only one beside Howard who came out in the press and said ''Fuck Jay Leno.'' He said he never did Jay Leno again. Jeff said that everyone made fun of him after that. Jeff said he's into the blacklist of naming names. He said he loves Jay as a stand up. Howard said he does too. Jeff said he was on Jay's show and he was on autopilot as a host. He said that Jeff was going to ask him about being from Chicago to get him to talk about something. He said Jay actually did that twice during the interview. He said he didn't even know it. He said he also had a gift basket in his dressing room that said ''Great job tonight.'' He said he just doesn't dig that.
Howard asked why he thinks that Jay was an asshole. Jeff said that he thinks this is it for Jay and he won't go back again. Howard said someone said that this is about Conan. Howard said that Jay is embracing Jimmy Fallon and people think that he's just showing how he can be. Howard said that Jay was on 60 Minutes talking about how it doesn't bother him. Howard said he thinks it does. Jeff said he thinks Jay will go to FOX or CNN or something. He said that's a done deal.
Howard said he wonders if he should call someone like Conan when he's going through that. Jeff said he did call Conan and told him that he was backing him. He said he told him he was so sorry and he thought Conan was right. He said that people said he should have gone on at midnight but that wouldn't have been the Tonight show anymore.
Howard asked Jeff if there's a part of him that was happy that Conan blew it. Jeff said that's the complete opposite of what he is. He said that he is very giving. He said he wouldn't be happy about that. Jeff said he's responsible to take care of himself and be successful. He said he will try and help people himself.
Howard asked Jeff how his health is. Jeff said he'd doing okay. He said he had a stroke a few years back. He said he had back surgery about a month before that. He said that he had a stroke when he was at 292 pounds. He said he got up to 320. He said he has lost the weight by stopping eating. He said he approaches it like an addict. He said he doesn't eat sugar, wheat or fast food. He said he doesn't diet and he exercises as much as he can. He said he does pilaties. He said Yoga makes him nuts. He said the pilaties work.
Howard asked how old he was when he had his stroke. Jeff said he was 37. Howard said that's young. Howard asked what happened. Jeff said he woke up in the morning and had a dream about planting plants on a space ship. He said the room was spinning. He said he thought he had vertigo. Jeff said he called his doctor and he thought that's what it was. He said he got nauseous and it was getting worse. He said he told his back doctor and he told him to get to the hospital immediately. Then they told him he was having a stroke. He said his eye was drooping after the back surgery and his voice was slurring. He said if you watch the first season of Curb Your Enthusiasm you can see it. He said working hard on that show in the first season was helpful. He said he was doing much better by the end of that season.
Howard asked Jeff about working out with Richard Simmons at some point. Jeff said Richard found him and wanted to help him get into shape. He said he ended up going to a studio and working out with him and some women.
Howard asked Jeff about his wife. Jeff said she's not an actress. He said she's a casting director. He said she worked for the 40 Year Old Virgin and some other big things.
Howard asked Jeff if he worked with Julia Roberts in a movie. Jeff laughed and said he has good people there. Jeff kept laughing. He said this is killing him. He said he did a movie called Full Frontal. He said in the movie he plays Harvey Weinstein and himself. He said it was kind of a split between the two. He said it was a small part. Jeff said he went to shoot the scene with Julia and he was looking forward to it. He said he was being very lecherous in the scene. Jeff said he never gets the cotton mouth until today. He kept drinking water. Howard said he has to ask about Pam Anderson not kissing him too. Jeff said when they're not filming Julia is telling stories to everyone in the room but not looking at him. He said he wondered what the fuck he did. He said he wasn't even trying to talk to her. He said he was catching the vibe. He said later on he saw her in the hallway and said it was an honor working with her. He said she reacted like he had called her a cunt. He said he asked one of the actors why she can't stand him. Jeff said he didn't know why. He said the next night he filmed a scene and the actor came up to him and said he was right. He said Julia told him that she feels she would see him in a restaurant one day and she just wouldn't like him.
Jeff said that night they were filming a scene and the movie was pretty much improvised. He said she was being terrible to him again. He said at one point she said something to him and he said ''Fuck you'' to her and she asked what it was. Jeff said that he told her he knew already that she didn't think she'd like him if she saw him out somewhere. Jeff said he told her he has a life and he doesn't care. Then they were doing this thing at the table and giving their porn names. Jeff said that he made up a name and Julia laughed so hard at the joke he had about his porn name being Baron VonHugeCock. He said that she wanted to be his friend after that. He said it was too late though. He said she came around but it was too late.
Jeff said he was playing in Boston and Curb was nominated for a Golden Globe. He said he was on a show where the host didn't know who he was. He said that the guy asked about doing the movie with Julia. He said that he told the story and then heard that Julia was in town. He said he knew that it would get back to her. Jeff said that the National Enquirer called his parents asking for comments. He said his mom didn't say anything. Jeff said it was in the Daily News the next day about what he said. He said that they won the Golden Globe and everything he said about Julia was all over the news with that story. He said he was kind of upset about that but he knew he'd work again.
Jeff said one night he comes home from work and he had a message from Julia yelling at him asking who the fuck he thinks he is. Jeff said he didn't lie about anything. He said at the end of the message it turns out that someone called him as Julia Roberts doing an impression. He said it wasn't the real one. He said that he hasn't seen Julia since that movie.
Jeff said that he was at HBO and someone there told him that she was a huge fan of the show. He said that he found out that she only watched one episode and it turns out George Clooney was the one whose quote she told about the show.
Howard said Jeff did a Baywatch episode and Pam refused to kiss him. Jeff said that Howard is part of all of that. He said that he turned down a job o the show and he took the part as a DJ. Jeff said that he had a fantasy sequence where they run up to each other. He said that Pam refused to make out with him because she had just met him. She said that later in the week she said she wanted to shoot the scene again because she liked him. Jeff said he really wasn't surprised that she didn't want to kiss him.
Howard said Jeff is on The Goldbergs now. Howard said he's working on that and he may have to make another season of Curb. Howard said people should watch The Goldbergs. Jeff said he's so proud of this show. He said it's really good. Howard said the show is on Tuesday nights on ABC. He said you can find his Podcast called ''By the Way'' on EarWolf.com
Jeff told Howard about a couple of other movies that he's made and how he does a show like The Goldbergs so he can make indie movies like that.
Jeff told Howard he does TM now. He said he's been doing it about 2 years. Howard said that's good for him. Jeff took some pictures of Howard with his black and white camera. He said he thinks black and white is timeless. Howard said he's happy they met. He wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard said there was missing 12 year old in Australia. Howard said they think that a crocodile got him. He said they think that he's dead. Howard said maybe the crocodile just adopted him to raise him. Robin said she was reading that they're killing sharks to stop the shark attacks on the coast of Australia. Howard said that's smart. Robin said they're hoping to get them before they get people. Howard said he doesn't go in the ocean anymore. He said if he can't see what's going on then he doesn't want to be in there. He said he won't even go in a pond. Howard said he likes beaches to walk on but he won't go in the water.
Howard had Fred play Robin's theme so they could do the news and get out of there. Fred played a song parody which was a White Zombie parody.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk and asked if he's going to the birthday show. Jeff said he is. He said he's getting a new hat today. He said it's brand new. He said he's getting his hair cut today too. Howard said he thought he was bald. Howard said he has a couple of strands. Jeff said he's getting his nails done too. He said he'll be sporting a tuxedo.
Howard said they're going to have a live blog going on that night. He said that they'll have video, pictures and other things they'll be uploading on SiriusXM.com or HowardStern.com.
Jeff said The Goldbergs is a funny ass show. He said everyone should watch it. Howard said Jeff would know because all he does is watch TV. Robin said he only has a couple of channels though. Howard said that's right.
Howard took a call from a woman who wasn't paying attention so he hung up on her. Howard asked Robin what was in the news.
Robin read a story about some thieves that stole some of the Pope's blood. Robin said they say that the blood will be even more valuable if Pope John Paul is escalated to a saint. Robin said they may be using it for satanic use.
Robin read a story about a woman in Texas who was declared brain dead but she was pregnant. Robin said they kept her alive because of the pregnancy. Robin said the family wanted her off life support but the hospital kept her on until the baby was delivered. Then they found out that the baby was deformed so they did take her off life support. Robin said the family was upset because their wishes weren't being followed.
Robin said she had a strange moment with JD. She said that he was coming in and said something to her and she has no idea what it was. Howard said he's had that happen to him too. Robin said she wondered if that really happened. She said she has no idea what he said. Robin said it was just a sound he made that wasn't words. Howard said he's like Asian Pete.
JD said that he just said ''Hey'' to her. Robin said it sounded like more than that. Howard said he can't imagine why there's a lack of communication there.
Robin read a story about people in Oklahoma fighting gay marriage. Howard said he doesn't get that. He said it's such a small thing. Howard said gay people are a reality. They can happen in any family. He said you don't want them living a closeted life. He said it can ruin lives. Howard asked why people care if two guys want to blow each other. Howard said maybe they're not getting laid and they're jealous. Howard said the more happy people we have in this world the better off we are.
Robin read about how Queen Elizabeth may be broke. Robin said the reserves have dropped from 52 million to just around 1 million. Robin said they have over spent and failed to cut back like the government over there. Robin said they say they spent 55 million after getting 53 from the government.
Robin said that they don't think it's going to be very secure at the Sochi Olympics but Steven Seagal thinks that they'll be fine. Robin had some audio of Seagal talking about the security they'll have over there. Howard said he loves his movies. He said he saw him on with Mike Huckabee and it was great. He said Seagal is the size of an elephant but he continues to dye his hair black. He said he doesn't care about his weight but that hair is important. Howard said he should shave his head. Howard said it's like fat people at the mall who get their nails done. Howard said there are fat women who wear a fancy pin on their dress. He said they don't give a shit about their body but they love that pin. Robin had clips of Seagal for Howard to play. He was saying that things will be fine in Sochi. Howard said Seagal thinks he knows something because he made movies. Howard did his impression of Seagal and goofed on that for a few minutes.
Howard did a live commercial after that. Howard asked Fred to play a song while he goes to pee. He asked him to play Cinnamon Girl and he'll be back in a minute and a half. Fred was still trying to find the song but he wasn't having any luck. Howard asked him to find the Type O Negative song. Fred was looking up the wrong song. Howard told Fred to go ahead. He said he's going to wet his pants if he doesn't hurry. Fred still didn't find it. Howard asked what's going to be on the air. Fred said he's having a hard time finding it. Howard wanted that song. Fred finally found it and played it while Howard ran off to the bathroom. Fred also threw in some water splashing sounds while the song played. Howard came back about two minutes later. Howard said he would have been back sooner but he had to wait for his pee to stop. He said he loves this song. He said he loves the way they do it.
Howard said he took his guitars out. He said he had them in a case but now he's got them on display. He said he has to figure out how to tune them. Fred said there are apps for that. He said he should be able to figure that out.
Robin read a story about Pete Seeger dying. Robin said that he was 94 years old. Howard said the dude sounds like a lunatic. He was reading about him working with Bob Dylan and he got so mad at Dylan for going electric that he was going to chop up his guitars with an axe. Robin read more about him and what he did in his career and who he inspired. Robin had some clips of his music for Howard to play. They went through a bunch of songs that he was known for. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read about the legal pot in Colorado. Robin said they say that they are going to have a pot pavilion in a fair there in Colorado. Robin had some audio of someone talking about what they'll have there. Howard said they're making it not cool with the lame stuff they're going to do. Howard said he thought that stuff would be legal everywhere by now. Robin said a lot of people say they wouldn't oppose those laws. Robin said Howard would never go to a county fair. Howard said he used to go to fairs and he went to see naked chicks. He said they would do nude stuff at this one fair. He said that this woman would let people finger her. He said that his friend went up to finger this chick and she slapped him. Howard said it was wild.
Robin read a story about the Royal Caribbean cruise that's coming back into port. Fred made a noise back there and Howard asked if he was okay. Fred said he is but his chair cracked. Robin read more about the cruise and had some audio of people talking about 600 people getting sick on the cruise. Howard said there are people getting on cruises who think it will get better. Howard said you have to know that it's going to be bad. He said it's not going to get better. Robin said the cruise line is giving half their money back and giving a voucher to take half off on their next trip. Robin said that's a great plan. Robin said they think that these people have the noro-virus. Robin said they think someone came on the ship with the virus and that person spread it. Howard said it's not natural to be on a ship like that. He said they should just hop on a plane instead.
Robin read about how Los Angeles may be banning energy drinks. She had some details about that. Howard said they should ban them.
Robin said the Super Bowl is coming up this weekend. Robin said that there's a lot going on in the city around that. Howard said the city is a mess with the traffic. Howard said he can't imagine being there in the stadium and watching a football game in this weather. Robin read some details about the Super Bowl Blvd. attraction that's happening in Times Square. They used 3D scanning and printers to set all of that up. Howard said this is disrupting traffic so bad there in the city. Robin said they have a lot going on there in a 13 block area. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read about the President having a State of the Union address tonight. Robin said they will see what he has to say tonight.
Robin said more than 28.5 million viewers tuned in to see the Grammy Awards on Sunday night. Robin said they say that the ratings were up from last year. Howard said he thinks the secret is LL Cool J. He said the way he reads of a teleprompter is amazing. Robin had some audio of Daft Punk for Howard to play. Howard said he hates those guys. He said this song they have blows. He said he hates it. Robin said they had a big boost in album sales after the Grammys. Howard said that means another album. Robin said they won 4 Grammys. Howard said it also means more asshole waxing after guys heard that song.
Robin had Howard play a clip and Robin said a lot of people will know what it is. Howard guessed it was a video game. Robin said it's from Angry Birds. Howard wondered why anyone would play a game with that music. Robin said it's very popular. Robin said that the NSA is using the game to spy on people. Robin said that they have some more leaked documents showing that the NSA is granted user data from user apps and games. Howard said it sounds like the kind of music Beetlejuice hears in his head constantly. He said it also sounds like Gilligan's Island music. Gary said the guys in the back said JD was into the game for a long time and he used to go online to find a way to cheat at it.
Robin read about Hillary Clinton going out to speak somewhere and talking about how the Benghazi disaster being the worst she's experienced. She also revealed she hasn't driven a car since 1996. Howard said she's rich so why would she? Howard said if he didn't have to drive he would do the same. He said he doesn't enjoy it. Robin said driving is fun. Howard said it seems like a huge pain in the ass.
Robin read that Rosie O'Donnell is returning to the View after leaving the show. Howard said he's not surprised. He said she was good on the show. Howard said he thinks they're going to put her back on permanently. Robin said that she will be back in February as a guest. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:20am.
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After the break Howard came right back and said that Jeff is an interesting dude. Robin said she's always been a fan of his. She said she was glad they had him on the show. Howard said he's happy when she's happy.
Gary said he got a loaner car because his car is in for service. He said it doesn't have satellite so he was listening to regular radio. He said that other radio guys will just hang up on their listeners if they play a game and lose. Gary said he likes that. He said that's what Howard should do. Jon agreed.
Jon said he wanted to start off talking about JD's date. He said they talked about it yesterday but he's wondering why she's sending pictures and talking to Will so much. Gary said he's not sure because the bit is over now. Jon wondered if she's trying to get to Will somehow. Gary said he's not sure. He said that if he were JD he would ask why she's sending pictures to Will.
Jon said that Robin also said she didn't understand what JD said to her this morning. Jon said that they'll have to see what happens with that. Jon said he wants to get Will down there to talk about that stuff.
Jon said that all hell is breaking loose with the birthday bash. Gary said Joey Boots and Dan the Song Parody Man were guilting him into giving them tickets. He said that today was quiet but there are some people he may never speak to again after this. He said that they wont give a shit after the party. Gary said in a year or two these people will say they were just kidding around but he's taking it personal.
Will came in so Jon asked him about chatting with Megan and if she's the one coming to him. Will said she is coming to him. He said he booked her on the show and they were having conversations about where she could stay and things like that when she was coming in. Gary asked why he's still talking to her. Will said she was wondering if the dress was appropriate and things like that. Will said unfortunately he's married so he can't do anything. He said he was just kidding and he's very happily married.
Jon said he thinks JD is getting upset with Will getting involved. Will said he's just being helpful. He said you should see this dress she's wearing. He said they'll be thanking him. He said he only has Megan's best interests in mind.
Gary said it would be weird if they were going to JD and Megan's wedding in a year and a half. Jon said it could happen. He said it's hard to read JD on this. Gary said he doesn't think JD has the tools yet to pull it off. He said JD may not be able to develop that kind of relationship yet. He said someone may need to help him along. He said someone has to make him into a great boyfriend first.
Will said that Megan seems like a good person. He said she doesn't have to worry about competition with JD. Will said he really likes JD a lot and he shows affection by busting balls. He said he won't talk to you if he doesn't like you.
Jon took a call from a guy whose phone was all messed up so they couldn't hear what he was saying. Jon got back to Will and asked if JD's eating habits are getting better. Will said no. Gary said he's never seen him eat fruit like he said he did. Jon said he does eat vegetables. Gary said they're deep fried or covered in sauce though.
Gary said that Will is the healthiest eater there and he brings food in from home. He said he seems to have organic food instead of fast food so he eats well. Will said that's fascinating. Jon went to break after that.
Jon said Jeff tries to stay positive but not get too crazy. He said a lot of people try to do that but rejection in Hollywood can be hard. Gary said Jeff had a conversation with Howard after the interview and he was talking about how he didn't give a shit when he was younger. He said now he knows how it's going to turn out. He said Howard had the opposite way of thinking and he knew how he wanted it to work out and had to work his way there.
Jon said they also have different ways of looking at doing something like a roast. He said that Jeff goes in unprepared and Howard would want to know what he's going to do.
Jon said that Jeff was getting more and more comfortable as the interview went on. He said that he was talking about his friends from Second City and the way he roomed with Conan and then sublet out his part of the apartment to Jon Stewart.
The guys talked about Conan O'Brien and Jeff being friends and how Jeff backed Conan up in the whole Jay Leno thing. Gary said he watched that Jay Leno thing on 60 Minutes and he thinks that they should have spent more time with Mavis. He said she was very interesting. He said that you have to see Jimmy Kimmel on Jay Leno's 10pm show. He said he thinks it was brilliant. He said they asked Jimmy busted Jay's balls about taking away Conan's show and Jay's face got all contorted like he didn't know what to say.
Jon and Gary think that Jay will come back at some point. Gary said he thinks that the late night thing fits him perfectly. Gary wondered if Jay could do another show and take the ratings. Jon said he thinks that a lot of people would follow him if he went somewhere else. He said he'd have to do the same show in the same format. Gary asked what would happen if he went to CNN. He said he won't pull the same numbers but maybe he'll bring up the ratings. Jon said they're so low at CNN right now that anything would help. Jon said they'll have to see how it turns out.
Will said he'd be surprised if he went to CNN. He thinks that he'd want to give a big F-you to NBC and do a show that could screw them. Gary said that some people think that Jay is a tool but he was a really great stand up at one point. He said it's the same thing with Eddie Murphy. He said his son wondered if he was ever funny and he has to tell him he really was funny.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Gary if he had to push Howard to like the Bruce Springsteen stuff. Gary said he didn't. He said Howard did that on his own. He said that Howard has been finding it on his own. The caller said it seems like Howard likes the darker more scaled down stuff. Gary said he's probably more familiar with the first two records because that's what he was playing when he was starting out as a DJ.
Jon asked Gary if Howard asks him for suggestions on music. Gary said he never does. He said that he has some different tastes.
Jon asked Ronnie if he's a Steven Seagal guy. Ronnie said he is. He said he loves all of his stuff. Gary said he thinks that they're the worst movies ever made. He said they're beyond awful. Ronnie said they're bad but they have great action. He said he likes Jason Statham movies too. He said he likes The Mechanic. He said it's awesome. They had to go to break after that.
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Jon took a call from Dan the Song Parody Man who said he agrees with Ronnie and the texting thing. He said that it can throw you off when you text and you can think about something. He said he thinks that even with JD's lack of articulation skills that he should have conversations with her. Gary said that's from renowned poon hound Dan Cooper.
Ronnie said that's what he said. He said he was called pretty much stupid yesterday. Ronnie asked Jon if he would get a penis pump. Jon said no. He said he wouldn't get surgery if he didn't need it.
Dan said he hasn't gotten any reply from him so he's wondering why. Gary said he hasn't gotten any of them. Dan said he's been sending them from multiple accounts. Gary said he has not gotten any of them. Will said maybe they're going to the Pain in the Ass folder.
Jon let Dan go and took a call from Ralph. Jon said that Ralph is patient zero when it comes to Howard being sick. Ralph said he was sick 3 weeks ago and he was in Howard's proximity last week. He said Howard was already sick last week. He said that's a Sarno thing so it's all in his head. Ralph said he was fine last week. He said he was sick the week before that.
Jon asked when he was touching Howard's rings. Ralph said that was yesterday. Jon said he can see JD smiling over there. He said JD is glad that Ralph had the finger pointed at him. Ronnie said that Howard said there were two people who could have gotten him sick. Ronnie thinks it's JD. JD said it probably is but he's glad that Howard thinks it's Ralph. Ralph said he wasn't sick last week though. He said he was sick the week before. JD said he stayed away from Howard when he was sick so he doesn't think it was him either.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks this is the pressure from the party causing the illness. Gary said he thinks it is due to that. He said that he is used to doing things one way and it's a lot of pressure to do this show. He said it's on all of them though. Gary said he has someone shadowing him during the birthday show and he told the person to follow him with hot water, a cup and a lemon. They need that for Howard in case his voice starts to go.
Jon asked Ralph if he's okay with being patient zero. Ralph said Howard knows he didn't get him sick. He said he's grasping at straws. He said the fashion show from Beth was wonderful. He said he had his favorite and his second favorite. He said he didn't have his pointer with him though.
Gary asked Ralph about how he acts cool during that. Ralph said that they were all just laughing and having fun doing it. He said that it was just really fun.
Shuli said that was a nice way of asking how you don't pop a huge boner. Ralph said there was one dress that was all leg. He said there was no boob showing so he kind of nixed that one. He said he wants to see cleavage.
Gary asked JD if he cheated at Angry Birds. JD said it wasn't cheating. He said he just looked up how to do it on YouTube.
Jon asked JD if he's upset that Megan is texting Will and sending pictures. JD said it's fine. He said he's more upset at everyone else's thoughts that they think she's into Will. JD said he knows everything is fine. Shuli said he doesn't buy it. Jon said he doesn't either. Ronnie said Will is marred with two kids.
Jon asked JD if it can be overwhelming with Will busting his balls. JD said it can be. He said he tries to have good spirits about it. He said it bothers him a lot of times.
Ronnie said this is what worries him about this situation. He said she's sending Will pictures and asking about shoes. Will said it was one picture. Ronnie said it bothers him. JD said he appreciates that but he doesn't have to worry. He said this is just someone he's taking to the birthday show. He said they'll see if it goes anywhere. Gary said it is a big deal. He said it's like going to the prom.
The guys brought up how Megan is going to be bringing a girl friend with her to the birthday show. Ronnie said she should be there alone. He said that she should be there for JD and not hanging out with a friend. He said what's going to happen is that she's going to disappear if she wants to. He said there's more of a chance of her ditching him if she's there with a friend. Jon said she could leave on her own too. Ronnie said she'd have more confidence if she's with a friend. Shuli said he gets it. Gary said she's either going to dig him or not. It doesn't mater if she has a friend there.
Jon asked JD what he's thinking. JD said he's trying to think positive. Jon asked how he can keep her there. Ronnie said you can't chain her to the chair. He said that he'd tell her that she has enough people to hang with. He said that he'd tell her he's going to go out after that. JD said he'd rather have her there with a friend she can talk to. Ronnie said she has plenty of people to talk to.
Jon asked Ronnie what JD can do that night to keep her from leaving. Ronnie said he has to have a definite plan. He said he has to set a plan and stick with it. He said he can't just ask her what she wants to do now. JD said he's looking into it and figuring out what they can do after the party. JD said he has been invited to one party already. He said he asked her about that and she hasn't gotten back to him yet. Will said that doesn't sound good. Jon said that they have to end the show. He asked Will to help JD make some plans that night. Will said he'll do that.
Jon asked Shuli what he has for them today. Shuli ran down a list of stories they have coming up on Howard 100 News today. They wrapped up and ended the show around 11:15am.
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Howard started the show talking about the NFL and what a bunch of scumbags they are. He said he doesn't know or care much about the NFL but they do this media day with them. He said that they did this over in New Jersey. He said they charge $28.50 for fans that want to watch. Howard said they had about 7,000 fans there. Howard said they made about $200,000 doing that. He said that the NFL makes billions of dollars. He said you'd think that you'd let all of the fans in to see the interviews. Robin said if they cared about the fans they wouldn't make the tickets so expensive. Howard said they never give back. He said if you're a business you spread the wealth. Howard said they charged $28.50. Robin said they only have good will if they need an audience.
Howard said he thinks he'd outlaw it for health issues just to do it. Howard said they have guys going in for brain damage all the time. Robin said there are people who could never make it without playing. Howard said she's asking if they'd rather have them running around trying to get money in other ways using their brute strength. Robin said no to that.
Howard said he has a couple of clips to play. He said he has the most despicable thing ever. He said CNN found a witness to the mall shootings and the woman starts to plug her store. Howard said he wouldn't mind it if she just said she worked there but this woman must be out of her mind. Howard played the clip and the woman said she's not a shopper but a manager at a store in Fire and Ice near Nordstrom. She started to talk about what they sell there. Howard said that was some plug. The host of the show cut her off and asked what she saw.
Howard said Justin Bieber was in the news. Howard said he egged a house and this interview is the niece of the guy whose house got egged. Howard said you have to hear the story about what a nightmare it is living next door to Justin Bieber. Howard played the clip from Access Hollywood and they were talking to this girl about living next to Bieber. The girl said that her uncle has had Bieber spit in his face and then the egging started. The uncle had asked Bieber to stop drag racing in the neighborhood so that's why he got spit in the face. Howard said Bieber's bodyguards didn't even do anything to stop him from doing that stuff.
Howard said Bieber got arrested down in Miami for drag racing. He said he's on his way to being a weird criminal. He said next thing you know he's going to drink expired milk. He said then he'll go to jail for not returning a library book. He said he's the world's first baby gangster.
Robin said that Bieber is in Puerto Rico and he got some dune buggy down there and he was running it up and down the beach really fast. Robin said his fans were trying to high five him in the buggy. Howard said it seems like Bieber wants to do things to annoy a lot of people. He said he's a little dick.
Howard said the big birthday show is coming up and he got an email about someone who is going to show up and he was very pleased. Howard said he's happy about people putting themselves out for this. He said they could be somewhere else and they're showing up for this party. Howard said Jimmy Kimmel is flying in tonight. He said that he's really something. Howard said Letterman is coming and he doesn't do anything for anyone. Howard said it's a big deal that he's coming. Howard said it should be interesting. Howard said they have about a half hour penciled in to talk to Dave. Howard said he was thinking about what he wanted to talk to Dave about. He said he hopes he can cram it into that half hour. Howard said he should submit the questions now so he can answer them.
Howard said he's moved that John Fogerty is performing. He said there are some other music artists that have asked not to promote it so he won't. He said Steven Tyler will be there. He said that it's going to be a different type of show. He said they're going to have to shut up and let people do their own thing. Howard said he and Robin may not be able to interact and that will kill them. Howard said they're there to be part of the scene and enjoy what's going on.
Howard said Jon Bon Jovi will be doing one of his hits. Howard said he wishes he could mention the others that will be there. Howard said he doesn't even know about everything that's going on. He said he's in the dark about some of it. Howard said he has heard some of the names and it's impressive. Howard said it's very secret. He said they have been doing rehearsals and run throughs and that's weird. He said that it doesn't feel organic to him but he has to do microphone checks and stuff like that. He said he has to have a good sound that night.
Howard said yesterday Gary had to play Jimmy Kimmel. He said Sal played Gary and he spent the first hour of the run through clearing his throat. He said Sal said he was just getting into his Gary character.
Howard said the guys took his voice from when he was doing the ''Yummy, Yummy, Yummy I've Got Love in My Tummy'' thing and called a woman. He played the clip and they had Howard reciting those lyrics to her. She thought he was really saying them to her. She said she didn't remember him but she loves him.
Howard said all of the white women he calls with that end up calling the cops on him. He said that was a black woman and he thinks that she was digging him. Robin said she's never heard anything like that. Howard said she loved his interpretive read. Howard said you couldn't find a creepier guy than that and she liked it. Robin said she told him to call again.
Howard said he was telling Beth all of the stories last night in bed. He said that he was blown out by the guy and he's really glad he came on the show. Howard said he's right there with the caller.
The caller asked if he can play for show tickets. Howard said he'll do that. He said he has a Beetlejuice game to play.
Howard gave out some birthday show information. He said on January 31 anyone can listen to the birthday bash. He said it starts out at 4 in the afternoon with the pre-show. He said they have a red carpet event and then at 6 they start the show. He said you just push this one button and you get the whole show. Howard said they'll be streaming pictures and video too. He said it should be fun.
Howard said he has a Beetlejuice song game to play. He said they said this to Beetlejuice. They played a song for him and left part of the lyric out. Howard said Beetle knows what he knows and he knows some things. They played him ''Puff the magic...'' first. He had to come up with Dragon. Howard asked the caller what he thinks he'll do. The caller said he won't answer correctly. Howard played the clip and Beetle said something about no magic being there and didn't know the answer.
Howard said that wasn't the real question. Howard said he's going to play the next one and put some pressure on him. The caller said that was pressure. He said he's pacing like a mother fucker right now. Howard said this next one is the one. He said if he gets it wrong he's hanging up. Howard played the clip and Richard sang ''Rock a by... on the tree top.'' Howard said Beet's mother must have done that for him when he was growing up. Howard said that's a little different than Puff the Magic Dragon. The caller said this one seems like something he would know. He said he's going with that. Howard locked him in on the answer. He said he has a 50 percent chance of being right. Howard asked Robin if she thinks he knows. Robin said she does. Fred said that he should know it. Howard played the clip and Beet's answer was something like ''What the fuck you think he is a rock a baby...'' so Howard gave it to the guy.
The caller sounded like he was so happy he was crying. Howard said he's going to be at the great party on Friday. Howard asked who he's bringing. The caller said he has no idea. He said he may bring someone from Connecticut since that's where he's originally from. Howard said he has to dress kind of classy. The guy said he'll be fine. Howard he's representing Detroit so he has to do something. The caller said that won't be a problem. He doesn't have to try too hard then.
Howard put the guy on hold and said this party is going to be fun. He said that they haven't taken the show out of the studio in a long time. Howard said the last time they did it was probably 2001. Gary said it was actually 2004. Howard said they weren't even there at Sirius yet. Robin said they weren't there until 2005.
Howard said he was dragging his ass out of bed this morning. He said it was still dark out. He said there was snow all over the ground again. He said that was a shock. He said he just slides around like an old woman. He said he doesn't want to go down and break something so he takes baby steps. He said he looks like Frankenstein. He said that it was weird. He said he's one of those people. Howard said he can't even walk. He said he feels so bad holding on to shit. He said he was holding on to stop signs. He said it's crazy.
Howard said no one else seems to have these problems other than him. He said maybe it's his height but he doesn't know. He said they used to have spikes that you can put on your shoes. Richard came in and said that's what he has. He said he wore them the other day and they work great. He said if you're not walking on snow then they're slippery. He told Howard he should search them on Amazon.com. Robin said he could take them off as soon as he's out of the snow. Howard said he loves buying shit on Amazon. He said he ordered something for some friends and got it already. Richard said he has the app and you can order anything at any time. Howard said he thought he had a one day delivery thing going with his. Howard said he has Prime and Jimmy Kimmel told him that it should be one day delivery. Richard said you just pay a couple of extra bucks to get the one day delivery. Howard said he orders a lot of stuff.
Gary said Amazon is life changing for some people. He said his nephew just orders the stuff and gets it at his dorm instead of walking out in the cold to get it. He said it's great. Gary said he ordered something 2 weeks ago and it showed up on Sunday. Robin said they're actually delivering to your door on Sunday. Howard said he can't wait for delivery by drone.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Jeff Garlin interview really was great. Howard said he had never even heard of the guy. He said he wasn't going to have him in if he had never heard of him but the other guys told him about the guy and he had him in. He said he's glad he did. The caller said he wanted him in longer than he was. Howard said he had to let him go because it was getting late. Fred played a clip of Jeff laughing for Howard. Howard said that's unbelievable. Howard wondered if that's real or fake. The guys thought it was real.
The caller asked if he has any tickets left. Howard said he's not sure if he has any. Gary said they have the last pair. Howard said he'll play a game with him then. The caller, Trevor, played The Beetlejuice game like the previous caller did. Howard played him the song which was ''The Wheels on the bus go...'' Howard said he thinks that Beet may not know this one because it's a little harder than ''Rock a Bye Baby.'' Robin said she doesn't think he'll know this. Fred said that they must have sang that on the short bus. He said he thinks that Beet will know it. Howard said Beet knows what he knows and he knows what he can. He said this is a tough one.
Trevor said he thinks he'll know it. Then he thought about it and said he's doubting himself. He was thinking he might change his answer. Howard said he's not sure what he's going to say. He said he'd probably go with he doesn't know. Fred said he thinks he knows. Trevor said he's going to go with he does not know. Howard asked if he wants to be locked in. Trevor went with it. Howard played the clip of Beet's answer which was ''Round, round the bus...white people got to sit in the back...'' Howard said Trevor was locked in on yes and he changed his answer. Trevor said he should have gone with his first instinct. Howard asked Judge JD if he should give him another chance. JD was there and said no so Howard hung up on him.
Howard said he thinks that he wants to date too. Howard said you have to hear this. He played a clip of Ronnie talking about the texting and how he thinks JD should be talking to her on the phone. He was arguing with JD about the whole thing. Ronnie asked what the situation is and JD said it's just someone he's taking to the birthday show. He said he'll see what happens.
Ronnie came in and told Howard about JD's date, Megan, going to the party with a friend and how that's a big cock block. He said she's going to end up ditching JD after the show. JD said he wasn't looking to get laid. He said that no one is fucking anyone over. Ronnie said she should have gone to the birthday show alone. Howard said maybe she's nervous traveling herself. Ronnie said she came alone to the show. JD said she came with some other people so that's not true.
Howard played more of the Wrap Up Show stuff where Ronnie sounded angry about the whole situation. He said he didn't want to see JD get burned. He said he doesn't want to see him get burned. JD said he doesn't know where his heart is so he shouldn't worry about it. Howard said he's going to hang with her a little and maybe get some dinner. Ronnie said he didn't make any plans. Howard said JD should tell her that she has to ditch the friend and go out to dinner. Robin said she agrees. She said she's on Ronnie's side in this.
Gary said he has more intel on this. He said it's been arranged for JD to go to a pretty happening party after the show. JD said he's not worried about what happens. He said that they'll see what happens and he's fine with whatever happens. He even said ''Que Sera, Sera.'' Ronnie said he's seen it happen and he doesn't want to see him get burned again.
Gary said they had a friend tell JD that he can only get the two of them into this party and she has to ditch the other friend. JD said he appreciates the help but they're trying to force something on him. Robin said the girls did this contest because they said they were into him. Gary said he has to take a little charge. Ronnie said he has to take the bull by the horns. He said this friend is going to make it easy for them to ditch JD. JD said he's okay and if that happens then it happens.
Howard said it sounds like Ronnie isn't giving the girl the benefit of the doubt. Ronnie said this girl is in the military and she isn't afraid to travel. Robin said Ronnie knows what it means to bring a friend with her. Howard said Ronnie has really thought this through. Fred was doing an impression of Ronnie during this discussion and kept throwing out crazy lines.
Ronnie said JD needs a plan. He said he would have asked her why she needs someone there with her. He said he'd just tell her what she's doing and what he's doing. Howard said he gets why she's not coming alone. She's coming in from Ohio and it can be lonely. Ronnie said she'd be fine alone.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said Ronnie is on point. He said he agrees with him. Ronnie said Howard called him an idiot yesterday but today he thinks he's right. King said he has to give Ronnie his props. He said the true test is if JD says to her ''Don't bring a friend tonight'' and if she says she has to then he can't be with her. JD said she's bringing the friend so that's that.
Howard picked up on Eric the Actor and said he really fucking blew it. Eric said he feels like taking back what he was going to say. He said that he started out this call the way he did. Howard said he's missing out on the time of his life. Ronnie asked how he got on the phone. Howard said he picked him up. Howard said Eric would have been hanging out with so many people there. He said he would have hooked him up with JD's girl's friend. He said he would have been on the red carpet Friday night. He said they have Bon Jovi, Steven Tyler, Jimmy Kimmel and there are so many other people showing up. Howard said they'd be sitting in the audience with Eric. He said he really fucked up. He said he could have died a happy fucking midget. He played a song parody where they had Eric blaming Johnny Fratto for not getting him set up for this thing.
Eric asked if he can talk now. He had to yell to get their attention. Howard said he blew it. Eric said he wants to talk. Howard told him to go ahead. Eric said the only thing he screwed up on was trying to make sure they didn't have to spend a dime to get him there. Howard said all he knows is he blew it. He said no one else does this stuff for him. Eric said he was going with Johnny's plan to get him there. Howard said he can keep talking about it but he blew it. Howard said if you want to get something done you take care of it yourself. He said he could have arranged it with Gary. Ronnie said it's the same thing with JD and this date. He said he has to take the reins and get it under control. Howard said he's right. Ronnie asked why she's sending pictures to Will. He said she should be sending them to JD. He asked what the fuck is going on. JD mumbled something and laughed.
Howard said if his wife was texting some other dude he'd be upset. JD said he just met this girl. Will came in and said that it was just one picture. He said he already knew her better than JD. He said he's acting as her friend. Howard asked if Will thinks she wants him. Will said no. He said he's just giving her guidance. He said she probably would have come alone if they had asked her to.
Howard asked if Megan is still texting him. Will said he sent her one text. He said she's all JD's. Howard asked JD how many times he texted her yesterday. JD said it was a few times. He said he told her some things that are happening after the birthday bash. Ronnie asked if he asked about the friend and what they're doing with that. Howard told Ronnie to forget about that.
Howard said Eric could have gotten phone numbers from all of these celebrities. Gary said there is a person coming to the party who is so A-list. He said he can't believe they're coming. He said this person loves Eric too. He said the person listens to the show and they love Eric. He said they know who Eric is and he would have interacted with him. Gary said Eric would have put this on his Twitter page forever. Howard said if he tells Eric to do something they he should just do it.
Eric said he was trying to save them money. Gary told him to let that be there decision. Gary said he was going to do anything to get him there and money was never an issue. Eric said that he did utter the words ''if it was in the show budget'' then they'd get him there. Gary said that he twists everything. He said he would do anything that would get him there if it was in their budget. Eric said he was trying to keep them from spending money. Robin told him to stop being nice to him. Howard said Eric plays hard to get all the time. He said this time he dicked himself. He said now he's blaming people for it. Eric said he told Johnny that he has to get him into the party that Jimmy throws for him every year. Howard said that's not happening. He said he had to take a break. He let Eric go and said they'll see what happens with JD on Friday night. Howard wished JD luck and went to break.
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Howard said he changed his outfit for that night. He said that Jason should have Beth put up the outfits and ask the audience what to wear. Jason said no problem. Howard said the problem is getting Beth to agree to it.
Howard said he's kind of chatty in bed and Beth will put on a sleepy voice. He said that it's a voice that says ''shut the fuck up.'' He said she's just trying to sleep. Howard said he needs to quiet down so that's good for him.
Howard said they went out to dinner last night. He said it was quick though. He said he was there until 2 yesterday in meetings. He said he's walking around in a coma. He said he's not sure what age he can start letting his weight go. He said he just wants to eat pizza and all of that. He said that he's not sure when that might be. He said maybe when you hit 90 you start. Robin said at that point all bets are off. Howard said when he starts shitting in his pants he's going to give up. He said Jason and Jon Hein seem to be living like it's their last day. He said if they keep doing that then it will be.
Howard said Jon Hein wears really bad jeans. He said that he thinks he's wearing a tux to the birthday show. Fred said that's if it fits. Howard said Fred stays constant with his weight. Fred said he eats a Balance Bar and that's it. Howard said that's what his wife eats. Some kind of bar. Fred said he's not a big breakfast guy. He said he eats lunch around noon. He said he'll have a grilled chicken breast sandwich or something. He said he does eat bread. Howard asked what he eats for dinner. Fred said he'll have a juice during the afternoon or something. He said his wife makes something out of Kale. He said that he eats around 6. Howard asked what he makes. Fred said he'll make a chicken or something. Howard said he just read a story about chicken. Fred said he's sure it's awful. Howard said it is.
Howard asked if he grills it. Fred said he puts it in the oven. He said he has sweet potatoes and a green vegetable. Howard said he seems to be doing great. He said Fred works out too. Howard asked if he still eats hot dogs and fish sticks. Fred said at a barbecue he might eat a hot dog. Howard said he thinks he had enough of that conversation.
Howard said Oprah turns 60 today. Howard said there's all this carrying on with her birthday too. He said she was going to have a big soul cycle class and she had to call it off. He said it was a whole thing. He said everyone wants to be with Oprah. Howard said he would have a stroke if she showed up to his party.
Ann asked if she can play a game to win tickets. Howard said he will do that. Robin said that she has tried before. Ann said she called in after someone else won so this is her first try. Howard said they'll do one more Beetlejuice game. Howard played the clip and Richard sang ''Whistle while you...'' Howard said this is a tough one. Howard said this might be one that he'd know. He said he can imagine Beet watching it and singing the song. He said it might be stuck in his head.
Howard said that they have analyzed it and they want to know what Ann says. Ann said she thinks that he doesn't know it. Howard had Fred lock her in. Howard said they have their fingers crossed for her. Howard said he's wishing her luck. He played Beet's answer which was something about getting to work so Ann got it wrong. Howard said he thought she had it in the bag. Howard asked Judge JD if he wants to give her another chance. JD said that they have so few women coming that he will give her another shot. He said this is her only chance though. Howard said he has to figure out another game. He said he's out of Beetlejuice games. Howard asked Gary what else they have. Gary said they have a Fred the Elephant Boy singing game. Howard said she'll never win that. Gary said they have some Asian Pete game and some Ronnie ''this or that'' game too. Howard went with the Ronnie game.
Howard said they asked Ronnie if he would rather be with a screamer or a dirty talker. Robin and Howard talked about what they think Ronnie would go with. Ann said she thinks he'd like the dirty talker. Howard asked if she wants to be locked in on that. She ended up going with the screamer. Howard said he thinks Ronnie likes that. Howard had Fred lock her in. He played Ronnie's answer which was screamer so Ann one. Howard let the clip play and Ronnie was talking about how awesome the screamer is.
Howard said Ann is going. Anne said she's so excited. She said she was going to be there outside in the cold either way. She said she loves the show and loves everyone. Howard told her to get ready for a great night. Howard said they'll see her there Friday night. Howard said that's it. the house is full. That was their last set of tickets. Howard said he got calls from about 10 friends asking for tickets yesterday. He said they must not listen to the show. He said the house is full and that's the end of the story. They went to break after that.
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Howard said Amy Adams is super hot. He said he liked her in American Hustle. He said she had those low cut tops in the movie and she looked hot. He said she has small titties but she's hot. Howard said he wonders if Christian Bale gets a boner doing scenes with her. Robin said Bradley Cooper too. Howard said he's not sure what his deal is bringing his mother to the Oscars. He said if he was nominated he'd bring a hot chick. He said that's his wife but Brad should be bringing some hot chick. Robin said that they hook up after the show. Robin said he's not dragging his mom to the parties.
Howard said he doesn't get going with your mom. He said he would demand penetration in the love scenes if he was an actor. Robin said he'd be going to jail. Robin said she read that prison rape is up too so he'd better be careful.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has to call shenanigans on JD. He said that he's been waiting on line for 5 days. He said he'll take Hanzi or Eric the Midget's ticket. Howard said that's packed. He said he heard that they're on top of each other there. Howard said he doesn't have anymore tickets. The caller said he's killing him.
The caller asked who this guy Pete Seeger is. Howard said Pete was ahead of his time. He said he egged his neighbor's house and drag raced in his neighborhood before Justin Bieber ever did. Howard said he was actually a folk singer. Robin said he was very bright and he wanted to change the world with music. Howard said he was like every man and he wrote a lot of great songs. Howard said he sang his own songs wrong though. People who remade his songs did it right. He said Pete sucked at singing his own songs. Howard did an impression of him singing the songs too slow.
Howard said Pete also invented Twerking. The caller said he heard Justin Bieber is such a bad ass he likes talking to the bus driver while the bus is moving. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go. He said he was sorry he didn't have tickets for him.
Howard said that the Grammy's had bands playing with other people. He said Metallica played with a piano player. Howard said they wondered what some of Metallica's other songs would sound like with classical piano playing with them. He played an example. He played ''Wherever I May Roam'' and had some goofy piano music playing along with it. Howard said it sounds like they brought in Uncle Floyd to play with them.
Howard said he has so many Robin songs that he can't keep up. Howard played a new one about Robin's Hot Snatch that was from Matt Evans. Howard said he has another one from Matt which was ''I Can't Get Enough Of Your Butt Baby.''
Howard said he has to give a big shout out to Sour Shoes. He said he does such a great Gary impression. He said they were on the phone with Sour and he was doing such a great impression that he has to play it. Sour kept saying the number 9 since Gary says ''Noine.'' Howard said Gary claims he doesn't say 9 that way but he does.
Howard said they told Sour Shoes he was going to the birthday bash and he was excited. He said he still lives with his parents and his dad got on the phone. Howard said his dad was happy about the ticket thing. Howard said Sour is like 40 and still living at home. Howard said he has to be close to 40. Benjy said he thinks he's in his mid to late 30s. Howard said he has to be that old at least.
Howard played a clip of Shuli talking to Sour Shoes about going to the birthday show. Sour was doing a baby voice and said he has to get his parents permission. Howard said he talks like a baby on the phone because he's treated like a baby. Howard said he got grounded for making too many phony phone calls. He said their phone bill was crazy.
Shuli told Sour that he won tickets to the birthday bash and Sour had to put his mom on the phone. He asked his parents to get on the phone while speaking in that baby voice. The dad sounded happy about the tickets. Dad told Shuli that of course he can go. He said that's very nice that Howard invited him. Meanwhile Sour is playing music and singing while he's talking to Shuli. Howard said he had to take a break and then get to Eric Stonestreet. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said Gary is having major coughing fits today. He said it's fucking crazy because it's only around him. Gary said that if he followed Howard around all day he'd catch him having coughing fits too. Gary said he took a sip of water and he's fine. Howard told hi to stop it already. He told him to get out so he can get to Eric.
Howard said Eric is always on the Emmys winning something. He has won 2 already. Howard said it was nice to meet him. He said he has two Emmys. He said he was analyzing his career and seeing that he was rejected from a bunch of jobs. Howard said it shows how awful the business is. Eric said that they didn't even want to see him on Modern Family. He said he had to work around that with some people he knew. Eric said a friend came over to get his help for the Modern Family thing and he was thinking he wanted to try out for the part. Eric said he told his friend he was going to call and try to get in on the show. He said his friend told him he should. Howard said he would never do that. He said he'd be afraid his friend would get the part.
Howard asked Eric what his friend is doing now. Eric said he works but not on Modern Family. Howard said that's what he'd be afraid of. Eric said he told his friend what to do and he did give him help for the audition. Howard asked what his take was on the guy. Eric said it was his mom. Howard said that's great. He said he does that impression of his mother. Eric said that doing the character the way he does works for that character. He said he thinks of his mom when things can get broad. He said his mom is a real human being and she focuses him.
Howard said Eric didn't get an audition on Modern Family and he was a heavy set guy and they didn't envision that. Eric said he's still overweight and they weren't looking for that. Howard asked if he thought he'd never get the part. Eric said he didn't think he would. He said they passed on him at first. He said they saw his audition and passed.
Howard asked if that killed him. Eric said he thought he had done a great job. He said he was prepared from working the past 12-14 years. He said 7 days went by and they called him back. He said they wanted him clean shaven and dressed for the role. Eric said he isn't going to put on a suit if he doesn't want to. He said he went in a mess for the audition the first time. He said he went shopping and found some Ralph Lauren stuff for the role. He said he rolled in and did the audition the exact same way and they said ''no thanks'' again.
Howard asked if they say no thanks right away or wait a couple of days. Eric said they called that night. He said that it just wasn't going any further according to them. Eric said at that pint he was invested emotionally. Howard asked how you turn that around. Eric said he talked a lot about it and just spit it out. Then three days later they called again. He said that he went to an audition for another role and he saw other big guys there for the role in Modern Family. He said that upset him. Eric said that the challenging thing is that they didn't want him too over the top. He said that he was in an orange kimono delivering a child to the tune of the Lion King theme. Eric said they don't know what they want until it walks in the door. He said they were in denial.
Eric said they called him back in for the third time. Then he met Jesse Tyler Ferguson and they got laughs. He said then they had to go in and test with ABC executives. He said he was testing in front of 30 people and he had done theater for less people.
Howard said when you get a network sitcom you get good money. He said you don't know it's going to be huge. Eric said he read the script and knew it was going to be good. He said he knew it was getting even better when they hired Ed O'Neil. He said they make you sign your contract before you even test. He said that you see money that you'd see in year 7 in that contract. He said that you have to push that aside and not think about it.
Howard asked what kind of money it is when you get to your 5th season. Eric said they had a renegotiation already. Howard said it's such a game. Eric said he was the least paid actor on the show because he had the least experience. He said he was begging for the job so they gave him a take it or leave it kind of contract. Howard said it's year 8 that you kick into $350,000 a week. Eric said he thinks they'll make it to year 8.
Howard said that he's won 2 Emmys already so he must be doing well. Eric said he is doing well. He said he bought a bigger house with the money he's making. He worked a ton in commercials so he had been working before. Howard said that working at all in the business is good so you can't put anyone down for that.
Howard said that Eric once had a one line role in Darmah and Greg. He said that now he's got 2 Emmys. Eric said that Chuck Lorre produced that show so he gave him his first break but he also rejected him a bunch of times. Howard asked if it's humiliating going in for a one line role and getting rejected. Eric said that if you have any doubt about yourself then it's not the business for you. He said there are no guarantees at all. Howard asked how you know if you're good enough. Eric said that in classes he would see people and think he wasn't even close to that. He said that you have to look at yourself in the morning and say you're not that good or you are good. He said you have to evaluate yourself.
Howard asked if the Emmy win helps. Eric said he's contracted to be on Modern Family for 5 or 6 months a year but he does get other offers. He said the character he plays he another thing. He said he has to tell people that's not who he really is. Howard said people think you're gay if you play a gay character. He said no one asks if you're really a murderer if you play a murderer.
Howard said Gary met Eric a couple of months ago and he immediately introduced his girlfriend to Gary. Eric said he doesn't have one now but that is something he was doing. He said people ask his parents what they thought when he played a gay character. He said that they didn't say anything. Howard asked if people treat him like he really is gay. Eric said they do. He said just last night they did. He said he went to see Glass Menagerie last night and he was sitting there and a woman said that she never watches TV. He said he's fine with that and doesn't care. He said she knew he was from Modern Family even though she never watches TV. She asked him if he was the gay dude. Eric said he had to ask if she was talking about reality or the TV show. Eric said he was wondering why someone would ask him that in a theater. He said that he would never ask a stranger that. Howard said that's only because he's a gay guy and you'd never do that with any other kind of character.
Howard said Gary told him that Eric is on this app called Tinder. He said it's the heterosexual version of Grinder. Eric said that it's not guaranteed with that app like it is with Grinder. He said you swipe through people on the app and you can say yep or nope. He said that he has a friend who told him he had to try it out. Howard said if he was a woman and he saw Eric's picture he'd think it was bull shit. He said he's not sure how anyone would know it's him. Eric said that it's like a vetting system right off the bat. He said that it's not a PR stunt or anything. He said the girls are able to contact him. Eric said he has about 10 girls he stays in contact with. He said he can do this in the area he's in. He said that he was texting a girl last night at 10. He said that she revealed that she was down around 11 but he had to go to bed to get up early in the morning.
Howard said it must be tough for him to settle down. Eric said he would like to settle and have a wife and a family. He said he had a girlfriend for a couple of years but nothing he's doing now is helping him get to that point of being married. Howard asked if he could find a girl right now on Tinder. Eric said he thinks that he could get that girl from last night. He said that you can put up a bunch of pictures of yourself and that's how you pick the person. Howard asked if the girls are hot. Eric said they are. He said it's very hard to meet people no matter who you are. Eric said he has gone out with some of the girls he's met on there. He said it's really hard to meet people.
Howard asked how quick he can get sex on there. Eric said he's done it same day. He said he went and had coffee and then slept with the girl. Howard said this sounds great. He said he wishes he had it when he was in high school. Eric said there is no hurt in this. He said that you never know if you were rejected.
Howard asked Eric if he's ever seen a girl and he goes to meet her and she's just not the girl in the picture. Eric said he has. He said he gets out of it with politeness. He said he has a good reputation of being a nice guy. He said that you can go and have coffee and then bail. He said you just do it in a nice way.
Howard asked if he's ever had sex with them to be nice. Eric said he's never done that. He said he had friends who could fuck any girl. He said he could never understand that. He said he wants the girls to be attracted to him in some way. Howard asked if the girls want him because he's on Modern Family. Eric said that they may be but he's fine with that. He said he has seen other famous people on the app before. He said he saw one he knew and he said nope to her. Howard said JD uses Tinder and he hasn't had any luck with it.
Howard asked Eric about going to clown school. Eric said he was rejected twice. Howard asked why that was. Eric said he has no idea. Howard said he would have given up acting at that point.
Howard said they were taking to Jeff Garlin yesterday. He said he's great. Eric said when he sees him out Jeff will yell at him to say hello. He said that his wife was a casting director and she's a great lady. Eric said he and Marla had an interesting moment. He said he had to go in and do three characters and impersonations. He said he doesn't do any so he just made something up. Eric said one of the characters he did was one where he had to take off his shirt. He said it was just him and Jeff's wife Marla. He said he didn't know her at the time. He said he was doing a character where he was seducing her. He said that didn't get him the role.
Eric said he didn't want to do the Saturday Night Live route. He said he wanted to host the show some day but not do it regularly. Howard said Tina Fey was his teacher at Second City. Eric said that she was. He said you go through levels and then you become a teacher. He said Tina is hot and he's always found her attractive. He said she wasn't all dolled up back then. He said she was hot but not like she is now. He said he found her really hot and he even bought her a going away card when she got Saturday Night Live. He said he sent her a cute note and it was probably something stupid. He said it was about how much she's taught him and all of that. He said it must have worked because she did well.
Howard asked if he had done other TV before Modern Family. Eric said he did. He said he did a few shows where he killed people in the same year he got Modern Family. Howard asked about being up against his cast mates in the Emmys. Eric said he was happy he won because now he can be happy for anyone else winning. Eric said that he was told he should be prepared to win. He said he had a note card to read for his speech so he was prepared for that. He said he hates when people do that so he didn't read off his card. He said he hates people who act so surprised that they won. He said that they had a one in 5 chance of winning so it wasn't that surprising.
Howard asked Eric about doing the contract renegotiation. Eric said they found something in the contract that was illegal so they were able to get it changed. He said that they were just looking for a proportional piece of the pie from the show. He said everyone leaves being a little unhappy. Howard said that's beautiful that they got a piece of the pie. Eric said they got more than that article says they did. Howard said he's happy for them.
Howard asked if his girlfriend was pissed when they broke up. Eric said he thinks they were both happy to see each other go. Howard said the girlfriend got married pretty quick. Eric said she got married within a year after the break up. He said she was engaged within 6 months. He said that he never met the other guy. Robin asked how he found out. Eric said someone on Facebook told him about it. He said they told him that she had changed her status to in a relationship. He thought she had changed it about their relationship but she was in another one.
Howard said he saw that people thought he was dating Charlize Theron. Eric said they had spoken but they never dated. He said they did some shows together and things like that but they didn't date. Eric said that it was funny because the story came out the night he won his second Emmy. He said he almost got thrown out of Dodger stadium too. He said a guy was yelling at a player and he asked the guy how it would be if the player just knocked him the fuck out. The guy had nothing to say to him until his girlfriend saw who it was. He said that they got into an argument and the guy called him fat in every way he could for a minute. Eric said that the guy was picking on people who can't do anything. Eric said that he asked the guy if that t-shirt he was wearing was made for guys or just gals. He said that set the guy off again and security had to come over. Eric said he has realized he can't do that kind of thing anymore.
Howard asked Eric about going to the Emmys and if he brings his mom. Eric said he brought a girlfriend and his mom when he was dating. Howard asked if he brings a Tinder chick or what. Eric said that he brought his sister the second year. He said the way he looks at it is that he may meet someone there and he doesn't want to be with someone he's in a relationship with. Howard asked if they give him an Emmy at the show that night. Eric said they do. He said he puts it in the car though. He said he won't walk around with it.
Howard asked if he has met women at the Emmys. Eric said he has. He said that he doesn't want to hurt anyone so he won't have sex with girls he likes. He said he has sex with the girls he doesn't really like. He said he does want to fall in love though.
Howard said he can go on Tinder and it's not emotional. He said you're using each other on there so it's almost okay. Howard said he's not sure how to do that. He said he doesn't think he could.
Eric said he started to like this girl around the time of the Golden Globes last year. He said he told one of the guys at the show that he was liking this girl and he said ''You're not done being single'' and disappeared like a Jedi.
Howard said Eric dates kind of like how he plays his part on Modern Family. He said he dates like there will always be another girl. Eric said the girl that becomes the most interesting is the one who isn't available right away.
Howard said that they have to get to the 8th season of Modern Family. He gave Eric a plug for the show. Robin asked if there are any hot chicks on the show. They mentioned Julie Bowen and Sophia Vergara. Eric said they have Sarah Hyland who played Howard's daughter in Private Parts. He said she's 22 now and he can say that she's hot. He said she was only 17 when he started working there. Howard said Sarah is nice. He said she talked about him on some TV show and talked about how nice he was on the set of the movie.
Howard said Taylor Swift is cute too. Eric said she's friends with Sarah. Howard said she must have something wrong with her because guys are always breaking up with her. Eric said he's not sure. He said maybe it is bad breath. He said that is a turn off for him. He said he went out with a girl who had bad breath and she walked up to him and her breath was the same when he saw her after breaking up with her.
Howard said he knows someone who has the worst breath and they're complaining about bad breath all the time. Howard said he's afraid to tell the person they have bad breath. Eric asked how you tell someone that they do. Howard said back in the 80s they had someone who had BO and shit breath. Howard said he went to Robin and said he couldn't take it. He said Robin couldn't either. Robin would give the guy a ride to work and her car should stink. Howard said he told Robin to tell the guy. Robin said fuck you and told him to tell him. Howard said they found someone else to tell the guy and the guy was appreciative and cleaned up a bit.
Eric said he has experienced bad breath with someone who someone should have told had bad breath. He said he can't tell them himself. Howard said he knows a guy who had a girl who had a smelly vagina and the guy actually told her and got her fixed up. Howard said she was appreciative about that. Howard said his wife takes a bath twice a day and cleans up so she never has a smell. Eric said he thought it was a self cleaning area. Robin said it can get some bacteria down there. Howard said he doesn't detect any odor off his wife.
Eric said vaginas can smell like two things. Cumin or Number 2 pencils. He had Fred smell a pencil and let him know. Fred sniffed one and said he might be right.
Howard reviewed what they had learned today. He went over his rejections and asked how he thinks he would have done in clown college. Eric said he could have had a lot of clown sex. Howard said his life could have taken a whole other turn. Howard thanked Eric for coming in and mentioned he's a two time Emmy winner once again. Eric said he appreciates him mentioning that. He said he gave his first one to his parents. He said he has another one he looks at. Howard said he never puts a lot of credence in awards. He said that he thinks giving it to his parents is a good idea. Howard said he used to put them in storage but then he put them in his office. He said it makes him feel good. Eric said he hates it when people say they don't know where their awards are. He said that there are so many people who would love to win them and it's disrespectful to do that. He said it's part of the business. Howard said he's happy to hear he doesn't piss all over his awards.
Howard asked if he has fucked any famous women. Eric said not really. Howard said he thinks he needs to. He said he should find someone that would turn him into a Brangelina kind of thing. Eric asked who that would be. Howard said he thinks it would help raise his profile in the business. Robin mentioned Jennifer Lawrence. Howard said she's too young. Howard mentioned Jenny McCarthy. He said he can see him with her. Eric said he and Jenny have partied together. He said he did wonder if he was going to have sex. He said they do stay in touch though. Howard said that's the kind of girl he imagines her with. Eric said he had fun with her in magazines when he was in college. Howard said maybe Chelsea Handler. Eric said that's not his type. Howard mentioned Whitney Cummings. Eric said she's hot but maybe not his type. Eric said he doesn't want to go from being able to do anything he wants to seeing someone he never gets to see. He said he would want to date someone who isn't defined by their job. Howard said he thinks that this would be a short term thing just to get his name out there. Howard said he'll get him some more names. Robin said maybe the new chick on Saturday Night Live. Howard said she needs a few more years in the business. Howard asked Eric if he has any names. Eric said Malin Ackerman. Howard wasn't sure who she was. Eric said she's been in a ton of movies and she shows her boobs. Howard said if he was with her they could call them ''Meric.''
Eric said he was in the National Enquirer picking his nose. He wondered how they even come up with that. Howard said he's not sure. Howard gave Eric some more plugs for Modern Family which is on Wednesday nights on ABC.
Eric said this was a treat. Howard thanked him for coming in. He said he's going to go smell some cumin now. He went to break after that.
Howard said they had a press conference and everything. He said they had the lawyer there and all of that. Howard played another clip where one of the guys was talking about how they want to call it a day and do it in a classy way. They were talking about some other bands that rip you off saying it's their last tour and they keep going out.
Howard said they say there are no loop holes in the document. Howard played another clip where a guy was asking about what might happen 10 years down the road. He asked if they might get back together in 10 years. The guys in the band said they're going to stick to their word. Howard said he's wondering how he can go through his life without Motley Crue.
Howard said JD found some more Steven Seagal clips. He said he's so great to watch on TV. Howard said it's like watching a train wreck. Howard said the guy was kind of handsome but now he's the size of a beached whale with a dyed beard. He said that he has some kind of ponytail or mullet going on too.
Howard said he got a text asking what Motley Crue will do if aliens land and demand a Motley Crue concert. Howard said they may have to get back together for that.
Howard said the Steven Seagal stuff is funny. He's defending Vladimir Putin. Howard said Putin managed to get himself back in office and took away powers for the country to be more of a democracy. Howard said the guy isn't a good guy but Seagal is defending him. Howard said Seagal thinks that things will be just fine in Russia for the Olympics. He said that he knows because he played some undercover guys in his movies. Howard said Seagal thinks he knows.
Howard played a clip of Seagal talking about knowing Putin and how he thinks he may be one of the best world leaders. He said he may be the best world leader today. Seagal said that he isn't afraid to stand up and get things done that need to be done.
Howard played more of the clip and they were asking Seagal about taking the side of a Chechen leader, Ramzan Kadyrov, that was very controversial. Seagal said he has said this over and over again. He said that he'd like to know about any official charges against him. He said there are rumors but no real charges. Howard said he may have to school him on some of these guys he's friending. Howard did an impression of Seagal talking about how they're innocent until proven guilty. Howard said he thinks that Seagal thinks he's in Under Siege. He said he thinks he's a real law man. Robin said he is on the police force somewhere. Howard said he watched a show where he was a cop and he'd break into a black affect when someone would recognize him. Howard and Robin were both doing impressions of him helping people out when he was a cop. Howard said he'd had some people a 20 dollar bill and tell them to straighten out their life instead of arresting them.
Howard played more audio of Seagal and said he probably thinks he's a scum bag but he'll defend this Ramzan Kadyrov guy. Howard said Officer Seagal is on the job. He said that it's safe to go to Russia. Robin said she can't believe that he's meeting with world leaders. Howard said they should be taken out of office if they're meeting with Steven Seagal. Howard said he never missed an episode of that TV show he was in where he was a cop. Howard said he loves his movies even though they're awful. He said that he got fat and could barely lift his leg. He said he started using just his hands. He said he was slapping guys and knocking them down.
Robin started her news with a story about Kim Kardashian getting into it with some guy at a doctor's office. Kanye West showed up and hit the guy allegedly. Robin said they say that the guy has settled for $250,000 with them. Howard said the guy got $250,000 for that. Robin said Kanye was going to be charged but they settled with the 250. Howard said that's going to encourage other people to do the same kind of thing. Robin said you can't provoke people and expect to get away with it. Howard said it would be wild if they took that 250,000 and invested it in a tech company and the guy becomes a billionaire. Howard said either that or he invests in a record company and wins a Grammy. Robin said that's not going to happen. Howard said that's how Macklemore and Ryan got started. One of their mothers died or something and left them money. They took that money and got their own record thing going.
Robin said Justin Bieber is in the news. Howard said he's doing all sorts of weird crimes. Robin said she had some of his music to play. Howard played one of his songs and said that he's blowing it by doing all of this stuff. He said the kid wants to be a bad boy but he's just failing. Robin said Radar Online is saying that Justin is thinking of taking a hiatus from music so he can open a tattoo parlor. Howard said he's such a bad ass. Robin said he's in Panama recovering from his arrest in Miami. Robin said that his managers and agents must have had a meeting with him to tell him to get his act together. Robin wondered what Justin is going to do with a tattoo parlor. Howard said he's just going to hang. Robin said his dad is quite a partier according to what she was reading. Robin said he may have been the one who stop the intersection for the drag race in Miami. Howard said the dad is very involved. Robin said they say the dad took Justin out to a bar after his arrest. Howard did a live commercial read a short time later.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she's working on a new song. She started to sing about what's going on with the birthday show. She said John Stamos is in town too. Howard hung up on her and said that she knows everything.
Howard took a call from Hanzi and asked if he got the note. Hanzi said he didn't and he won't be coming. Howard said he isn't happy about that. Howard said he wants him there. Robin said it was very simple for him to get it done. Hanzi said that he won't let him get a thought out. Howard told him to go ahead. Hanzi said something about what he wanted to say yesterday about the industry and how people like Howard are bitter bastards. Howard cut him off after 30 seconds. Howard said he has 2 days to get the note from his mom. Hanzi told him to go to hell. Howard hung up on him. Howard said he could have easily gotten that note. He said he really didn't want to come. Howard said he wanted to tell him that but he had hung up on him. They played the ''Imran Khan'' song parody about him after that.
Gary said he can get him back on the line in 20 seconds. Howard said he will wait. He waited for them to get Hanzi back on the line. Howard said they'll be with you in a second while they get Imran Khan back on the phone. Howard picked up and said he had one last thought for him. He said the truth is that Hanzi doesn't really want to come to his birthday show. Hanzi asked what he's talking about. Howard said if he really wanted to come he would have gotten the note. Hanzi said his dad would never sign that note. He said he asked what kind of shit that is. Howard said if his dad doesn't want to sign it then there is something wrong with him and he's afraid to let him go. Hanzi said this is what he's talking about. Howard said he knew he'd have nothing to say. Howard told Hanzi to think about what he just said. Hanzi said this is what's wrong with the world. He said he's holding people down. Howard said he gave him an assignment and it was very simple. He just wanted the note from his parents. Hanzi said Howard cancels shows and doesn't let Steve Brandano pitch guests. Howard said that's not the way it is all the time. He said Steve has pitched guests that they've had on. He said that Hanzi's view of the world is wrong. Hanzi said it is not. Howard said it is. Hanzi said Howard just puts people down. Howard said he's done. He said he just wanted to give him that thought. Hanzi said they put this heavy gimmick on people and if they don't do it then they don't let them do anything. Howard said he just wanted to call and give him that thought. He hung up on him and played the Hanzi opera song parody.
Robin read a story about how people are signing a petition to have Justin Bieber deported. Robin said they had up to 26,000 signatures. Howard said he thinks they should deport him. He said he's for that. Robin said that's some action you can take if you're upset with Justin. Robin said it's the ''We the people'' page on WhiteHouse.gov
Howard said anything he says seems to set Hanzi off. Howard said if he says ''Chocolate Chip Cookie eats itself'' it might set him off. Robin said he'll think he's speaking to him in code or something.
Robin read a story about Amazon.com and how they can ship items before people even order them. Howard said that they can predict what you want and ship it out closer to you just in case you want it. Robin said they're planning on boxing and shipping products that people may want. Howard said he's pretty sure they can't predict what he wants. He said he buys a pen and then a Joan Rivers documentary. Howard said he doesn't even know what he's going to buy next. He said they have to have him wrong. He said he ordered Crayons the other day and he's shocked at how fast they get to him.
Robin read a story about a woman who asked police if she could use heroin while in custody. Robin said she was stopped on a shoplifting charge and she kept asking for just one more blow from her purse. They found several bags of heroin in her bag. Robin said the woman was 3 months pregnant too. Howard said maybe they should have let her have the heroin because they can't cure her right then and there.
Robin read about people having trouble functioning in the morning who may have caffeine misuse disorder. Robin said people are becoming dependant on it and they suffer withdrawal from it. Robin said that they're making coffee stronger and stronger and it's giving people problems. Robin said they say that people shouldn't have more than 2 or 3 8 ounce cups of coffee a day. Howard said he doesn't drink the stuff.
Robin read about college athletes forming their own union. Robin said that there are kids who are all for the union. She said they have notified the national labor board about their intentions. Howard said they should go for being paid.
Robin read about the pope being on the cover of Rolling Stone. Howard said he's a rock and roll pope. Robin said they have an 8,000 word piece in the magazine about him. Howard said he likes that. He said he did a series of pictures for them and he was in a thorny crown and they refused to put them in the magazine. Howard said they were afraid that people would revolt. He said he had to do the shoot all over again. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said the birthday show is going to re-air on Monday morning. Robin said that no one told her that. Howard said he knows they sent her an email about that. Robin said she didn't get that email.
Robin read a story about a woman who jumped off a building in Beverly Hills after getting plastic surgery. Robin said they say she stripped naked and jumped to her death from a high rise. Robin said she was 53 and had worked for a jewelry company. Howard wondered what the surgery was. Robin said it was a face lift. Robin said she sat there for 3 hours dangling her legs and she decided to take the plunge. Robin said she may have had a bad reaction to the anesthesia.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said he's getting a shave tomorrow and he's wondering if he should get his moustache shaved. Howard asked where he's getting money for this. Jeff said he has a friend who is paying for that and driving him down in a party bus. Howard said he should go for the Don Johnson look. Howard let Jeff go and said he'll see him on Friday.
Robin had Howard play the music from Angry Birds again. He played it yesterday. Howard said that's the sound in Beetlejuice's head. Robin said that the company that makes the game says that they are not giving information about use to the government.
Robin had the hiccups and Howard wondered how old she is. Howard said he hasn't had them since he was a kid. Robin said she's had them all her life. Robin kept reading the story about the Angry Birds maker, Rovio, and how they're not giving up information.
Robin read about Michelle Obama going on Ryan Seacrest's show in California. Howard said he hates that. He said they pick his show because it's safe. Howard said he has been a big Obama supporter and he thinks they should come in there. Howard said he isn't going to do anything. Howard wondered why she's rewarding someone who won't commit to picking someone he's going to vote for. Howard said he has supported the Obamas. Gary said they asked her to be on the show and they got a rejection letter. Howard said he knows how to treat her and it would be fun. He said it would be a real conversation and not some phony interview like Ryan Seacrest does. He said they should reward the people who support them. Howard said he wants to thank the people who are coming to the birthday show and don't play it safe. Howard said Steven Tyler is his friend. Howard said Steven doesn't think about it, he just shows up and sings. Howard said Jon Bon Jovi didn't have to think about it. John Fogerty didn't have to think about it. Howard said there are others that he can't even mention.
Robin said President Obama's state of the union address was last night. Robin had some clips from his speech. Howard said he would bet any amount of money that Ryan Seacrest voted for Mitt Romney. Robin said there was a tea party rebuttal to the state of the union. Robin had some clips from that as well. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about counterfeiting of Super Bowl tickets. Robin said that some men were arrested for doing that at a Kinkos. Robin said they were selling parking passes as well as the game tickets. Robin said that there are tons of counterfeiters out there selling this stuff.
Robin said yesterday was media day for the NFL. Robin said Richard Sherman has been tamed. Howard said that everyone had to come out and complain. He said now the guy is going to be boring. Robin had some audio clips from the media day event.
Robin read a story about a teen who fell 3000 feet in a skydiving accident and lived. Robin said she is recovering. Robin said they say that she is in good condition other than some injuries she has to her ribs and internal organs.
Robin said NBC has ordered a pilot for a gay comedy. Howard said gay comedies are better than straight. Robin said that it's going to revolve around a lesbian who is pregnant.
Robin wrapped up and ended the news. Howard said that they have the birthday show coming up Friday night. He said they'll have streaming audio and some pictures and updates in their live blog. Howard said they'll have all of that for you. Howard said he wants to thank SiriusXM for getting behind this and doing it. Howard said it should be fun. Howard ended the show around 10:15am
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Jon asked Gary about telling Howard he doesn't say ''noine'' for the number 9 anymore. Gary said he told Howard that off the air. Jon said he still has a bit of a Pittsburgh accent himself. He said that Steve Brandano has a bit of a Boston accent.
Jon said he started the show talking about the birthday show coming up soon. He said Gary got called out for coughing in the studio today. Gary said he isn't sick or anything. He said Howard heard him and looked up and stared at him. He said it became a thing even though it was nothing. He said he just needed some water. Gary said he was telling Howard a story about Eric Stonestreet so he couldn't leave. JD said he had to do something like that too. He had to walk out and get some water and he was fine.
Jon said it was nice to hear Howard talking about how great this party is looking. Gary said they have a lot of star power with this party. He said that if you step back and look at the line up you can see it encompasses his whole career. He said it's an emotional thing.
Jon said that Howard was talking about how they're going to have to sit back and take it easy for the night. Gary said that Howard is going to have to give up some control and let others take over. He said they were going to put on a show and have Howard just sit in a balcony. He said there will be some Howard in the show. He said the Letterman interview should be 20-25 minutes. Jon said the show is really mapped out like clockwork. He said that it's hard to tell how long Howard and Robin are going to talk to people though. He said Jimmy has a tough job ahead of him. He said he is a pro though so he should be fine.
Jon asked JD what he's doing on Tinder. JD said he downloaded the app and it syncs up with your Facebook. He said he was looking for girls. JD said he has gotten very few responses on it. He said that most of them have been short messages back and forth and then he gets nothing back. Jon asked for a typical conversation. JD said he was messaging a girl who worked at NBC as an intern and he never heard back from her when he asked if she was still there. He said he had things like that with a couple of people.
Jon asked if it was surprising that Eric Stonestreet was on the app. JD said that he was surprised at how open he was talking about it. JD said he thinks he could be more successful with it if he was like Eric. JD said he hasn't had any luck with the app at all.
Jon asked what other places he's tried. JD said he's afraid to have a dating profile anywhere. He said there is no profile on this app. He said you sync it up with Facebook and you can swipe back and forth.
Jon asked if the people are attractive on there. JD said there are some. He said there are a lot of fake people on there too though. He said they're like bots. Shuli asked where he gets the most action. JD said probably Facebook. He said he has been tricked though.
Jon said that Ronnie seems to be obsessed with JD and his date. He asked if he's going to take his advice or just do what he wants. JD said he's going to try and figure that out. He said he has this ESPN party he's going to. He didn't mean to mention where it was. He said he would love to be able to tell her he has other options though. He said he's not a socialite so he doesn't know how to get into places. Jon said he doesn't have to tell them that. He said there are experts there that could help. JD said he will talk to that person after the show.
Gary asked what his apartment looks like right now. JD said that he wanted to get a bed but right now he has a fouton. Gary asked where he eats. JD said he has a little table that he has. He said there is no real kitchen in this place. Gary said he understands that. He said there are things he could do to make it look presentable. JD said he can do some things so more than one person can eat. Gary said he had an apartment that he could make look presentable and not look like a single guy eating alone. Jon said they had to go to break after that.
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Jon said Eric the Actor was on the phone today. He said he could have been there too but he blew it. Gary said he feels for Eric but it's his fault. He said he would have been an integral part of the show if he was there. Gary said he knows he feels bad so he's not going to hammer him.
Jon said that there are people who want to be with Eric and meet him. He asked Ronnie what he thinks. Ronnie said ''Who cares...'' He said it's Eric's fault and he should have just made it happen. He said he had to get Johnny Fratto involved. He said he claims he was trying to save them money but he never did that in the past. He said he should have just gone along with it.
Gary said Eric does make it difficult. He said that people wonder why they invite certain people. He said that in their world some of the Wack Pack are A-list celebrities. He said Beetlejuice is like George Clooney to the fans. Shuli said that Eric seems to think that someone is going to take care of things for him so that's why it didn't work out for him.
Gary said he heard that Jeff the Drunk bought a new sling and he has a new hat too. He said he thinks that Mariann will wear a gown. He said he hopes King of All Blacks wears a tux. He said that he told King he only had one ticket and he thought he was going to get upset. It turns out he only wanted one ticket. He said that's the best.
Gary said he has seen Jon Hein in a tux. Jon said he'll be wearing a suit. Gary said he just bought a tie yesterday for his suit. JD said his suit fits so he'll be wearing that suit. He said he'll even wear the shoes that they bought for him.
Shuli said Ralph said he wants to see him at the party. He said he thinks he looks homeless most of the time. Shuli said he was going to get a powder blue tux but he decided he didn't want to be that asshole. Gary said he saw a guy at a VMA show once and he was wearing something like that and he had to take a picture.
Jon asked JD if he can be comfortable at work dressed like that. JD said he'll be okay. He said once in a while you have to get dressed up.
Jon said that Ronnie is more passionate about this date JD has than JD is. Ronnie said he's looking out for him. Jon said he's over the top with it. Ronnie asked what the fuck is wrong with them.
Gary said he was never very good at this but being cool and aloof is a good thing too. Ronnie said he needs some kind of plan. Shuli said he has some kind of plan. He said he's going to see what happens after the party. Gary said he has something he wants to talk to him about after the show. He said he's got something cooking. Jon said they had to go to break after that.
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Gary said the interesting thing about Eric is that he was up there in the middle of the first season. He said that was why he showed off his girlfriend. Gary said they've spent 5-10 minutes chatting with him on other occasions. Gary said he thought that Howard would like him and it paid off today when he came in.
Jon said Eric's story about arguing with the fan in the stadium. He said that was a great story. Gary said it's a great story until you hear that someone got punched in the face over it. He said a guy like Eric can get away with it because he's a big guy. He said a little Twink is going to get punched in the face.
Jon said that the bad breath story was a good one because they've talked about that before. Jon said that JD had that problem a long time ago. They said something to him and he took care of it. Jon asked if he appreciated Howard telling him. JD said that he thought it was nice of him to say something. He said it may have made him feel terrible though. Jon asked how he would feel if Jason said something to him now. JD said he would hate him in certain conditions. He said if it was in private he would be fine with it.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked about Robin giving Howard a hard time about how much time she puts into the birthday show. He said it sounds like Gary is the one doing all of the work. Gary said this was Robin's vision from day one. He said the first one was a tiny club and they had Dee Snider, Leslie West, Joan Jett and others. He said you need someone to bounce stuff off of and now they have 100 people working the party. He said back in the day it was just him and Robin. Gary said it was Robin's idea in the beginning.
Jason came in and said he heard he was being talked about. He said that he knew that telling JD that he had bad breath could go wrong. He said that the real reason was that he liked JD and it was an open thing they discussed in the office. He said that he though it was fair to tell him about it.
Gary said Eric Stonestreet asked Howard how he handles something like that. He said Howard mentioned something from 35 years ago but what really happens these days is they just talk about it on the air.
Jon asked Lisa G what she had in the news today. Lisa ran down a list of subjects for today's news. Jon asked if she's getting dolled up for the birthday show. Lisa said she is. Shuli said she showed some pictures and in one of them she shows some skin. Jason asked where the pictures are. He said they should put them up on the web site. Lisa said she'll do that if he wants them.
Gary said he had a set of tickets offered to him for Howard and he really agrees with Howard about how someone may hate you if they offer you tickets to this game. Jason said he has a 65 inch TV and he'd rather sit there and watch it there with his own food. Gary said there is so many other things going on around the game that there are things to do. Jason said that they're not going crazy with the whole thing.
Gary said Jason pulled him aside yesterday and he though it was serious. He said he just wanted to know how Buffalo Wild Wings is since he had been to one. Gary said he just told him it was good. Jon said they were going to end the show a short time later. They were done around 11:05am.
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Because there was so much happening I broke this down into hour long segments. Here's what happened:
The show started with a live performance of Rob Zombie and Howard Stern's ''The Great American Nightmare'' with Rob performing the song. They got huge applause from the crowd.
George Takei was the announcer for the show and introduced Rob as ''Rob Zodiac.'' George welcomed everyone and said they were all there to celebrate his birthday but William Shatner was not. George introduced Gary Dell'Abate and apologized to the people down front for his breath. Gary came out and had people yelling out Baba Booey. George then introduced Fred Norris who came out to applause. George introduced Robin Quivers and the crowd gave her a huge round of applause. Then George introduced Jimmy Kimmel as the master of ceremonies for tonight.
Jimmy Kimmel came out and asked if George is gay. He said he had no idea. He said you'd think that would have come up. Jimmy said he got his note notarized so he could get there tonight. He said he's never seen so many fucked up people in one room. Jimmy asked if they were all excited to be there. He got some applause.
Jimmy said they were there to celebrate Fred the Elephant Boy. He asked where he was and saw him in the luxury box he was in with a bunch of other Wack Packers. He said that they actually had them there to be quarantined by the North Shore Animal League.
Jimmy said he's excited to be there and everyone there had tuned in and heard Howard doing something on the radio that they had never heard before. Jimmy said Howard had fights with his bosses and co-workers and he told everyone about his personal life. Jimmy said that Howard did to radio what Picasso did to visual art. Jimmy said he changed the way the artist approached the canvas. He said he definitely showed him the way. Jimmy said that we know where he grew up, who beat him up, how he masturbates, what he eats and doesn't eat and what his father eats. He said we know exactly how long this man's penis is. He asked how many people you can say that about. Jimmy said he is the most self absorbed person on earth and we can't get enough of it. He said when he retires he's going to kill himself.
Jimmy said the variety of people this man has brought together is unbelievable. He said that there are so many types of people. He asked who can have a Beatle and Beetlejuice on the same show. Jimmy then introduced Howard Stern to huge applause.
Howard came out and said he's having a blast and he just came out from eating and that was enough for him. He said Jimmy came in this morning and slept at his apartment. He said he can't think of a better human being to be doing this. He said he understands the show. He said he will be sitting with the Wack Pack tonight. He said he listens more than the Wack Pack. He said he's honored to have him there tonight. Howard said they're going to be there for 4 hours tonight and Jimmy is used to doing just one hour.
Howard said he's thrilled to be there and he's in the dark about what's going on. Jimmy said they have a lot of surprises. He said that he wanted to introduce their house band which is the band Train. They played Robin's news theme music.
Howard said he's ready to go home. He said he ate already. He said he's actually going to let Jimmy run the show and he'll just look over at Barbara Walters to keep calm.
Jimmy said their first special guest tonight has had a lot of concussions. He cut himself off and said that he's not ready to get to him yet.
Howard said he wanted to mention that he's the most F'able man in America. He said that he changed it to F'able from fuckable so he doesn't have to say that in front of Barbara. Howard said that Larry king was the nominee last year. He was in the audience too.
Jimmy said that their first guest isn't there yet. He said that he's not the most reliable person in the world. Howard said this must be a rehearsal. Jimmy asked if it's time yet. It wasn't time.
Jimmy said they have quite the Wack Pack collection there tonight. Shuli was up in their box and introduced Mariann from Brooklyn, Medicated Pete, Joey Boots and Sour Shoes who did his Gary impression for a few seconds. Mark the Bagger was also up there and said happy birthday to Howard. He thanked him for inviting him.
Jimmy took over and said that their first guest was Johnny Knoxville. Johnny came in and said hello and that he was very honored to be there. He said he loves Howard and Robin. Robin asked why he wasn't on time. Johnny said he was honored to introduce the first act of the evening which was the Black Keys! The Black Keys went right into their performance of their hit song ''Lonely Boys.''
After their performance Jimmy said that they're fans of Howard's and that's why everyone is there. He said Jeff Probst is out there in the audience too. Howard said hello to him. Jeff said that he thinks he's mentioned two people that 25 years ago no one would have thought would be there. He said that the woman herself is there as a tribute. He handed Barbara Walters the mic. Barbara said a few nice words to him and said she was very happy to be there. Howard said when he was a lonely DJ at WRNW he never would have thought that she'd be in his audience like that. He thanked her for being there.
Jeff said they have to go to the bookend to Barbara and that's Larry King. Howard said hello to Larry too. Howard said he thought he was a spectacular interview when he was on recently. Larry said it was one of the great hours he's spent on the air. He said he was very glad to be there for his maturity. Howard thanked Larry for all the years of entertainment.
Jeff had another person to introduce. He gave the mic to Tracy Morgan. Tracy said he feels like he's in court. Howard said Barbara is pregnant with his baby. Tracy said he's old school and doesn't pull out. He said he doesn't believe in wearing condoms. Howard said he loves him. Tracy said he loves him back.
Jeff said this is still the same table. Howard said he's having a good time. He said Harvey Weinstein is there too. Jeff said he's going to give the mic to one of the most beautiful women there. He gave it to Jewel. Howard said her dress is so spectacular. He said her breasts are on full display and he thanks her for that. She said she's blushing. Howard said David Spade is moving in on her now. Howard told her how great it is to have her there tonight.
Jewel gave the mic to David Spade and thanked them for putting him next to her. He said that he's just going to keep it going since he can't follow the black guy.
Jeff Probst gave Howard one more guest and introduced Robert Downey Jr. Howard said hi to Robert and told him how great it is that he's there. Robert said he called Gary to get into the show and he had someone with him whose birthday is this week too. Robert said he had to do some script work there this week so he could use a private jet to get there.
Jimmy said that it actually gets bigger. He said that Tan Mom is standing by. Howard had Shuli get the mic on her. Howard said that Harvey Weinstein is going to put her in the NRA movie he's making. Howard said this room is incredible. Tan Mom started to sing Happy Birthday to Howard. There was chaos so Jimmy said it was a mistake going to her. They got back to her and she was saying she's a nice person and a bitch. Jimmy said that he wanted to remind people that this is a woman. Tan Mom told Howard to shut up thinking that was Howard. Tan Mom said that she's wishing Howard another happy 60 years. She said she will be back on the show.
Howard said he promised people that they'd only have A-list people there and it's living up to that. Jimmy cut Tan Mom off and Howard asked how they get the mic from her. They were able to get it somehow.
Jimmy said that they have even more people to get to. Jimmy said that one of the people has had a lot of plastic surgery and the other one should. It was Joan Rivers and Jeffrey Ross. Jeffrey got up and gave a Baba Booey to the crowd. Jeff had Joan up there with him. Jeff said his name was Melissa and that was his mom Joan. Joan said she's still in shock over Tan Mom. She said that Tan Mom is the only one who wishes her mom was Casey Anthony. Jeff said that this is some crowd they have. He asked if Tan Mom got Lou Reed's tickets. Jeff said Howard has been in radio so long he bought Robin at an auction. Robin said she's not supposed to be roasted. Jeff said they're doing a sequel to Private Parts but it's about Robin and it's called 32 Years a Slave. He said Howard does so much for animals but they keep Robin in a glass cage.
Joan told Howard how much she loves Robin and how she's the only black woman in America who hasn't fucked Bill Maher. She said she's a pride to her race. Joan asked Robin when the last time was she spoke to a black person other than to say that the vacuum cleaner is in the closet.
Jeff said Howard is like a Jewish rock star... Guns N Noses. He asked if he's in ''I Want My Nickelback.'' Joan told Howard he looks so good. She said she can't do jokes about his face. She said if his face was a car it would be Paul Walker's Porsche. Joan said she doesn't give a shit anymore, she's 80 years old.
Jeff asked where Beth Stern was. He said Howard keeps a picture of Beth in his wallet and Beth keeps a picture of Howard's wallet with her.
Joan told Howard not to pay attention to the year difference in his marriage. She that Beth knows that she'll always have 30 more years to live after Howard is gone. Joan said that Howard had a hit show for 11 years on E!. She said that was amazing except that's like having a relationship with a retarded man.
Jeff said that Howard is his comedy hero. He said he leaned so much about life. He said that he's the Johnny Carson of their generation and the Mark Twain of Joan's generation. They wrapped up their roast segment after that.
Jimmy had Joan and Jeff sit down for a moment with them. Jimmy said he thinks they forgot a few black jokes. Howard said they did so well that he's going to let them sit on the couch. He said they have been called over by him. He said that was the worst part about Johnny Carson. He said that was obnoxious. Howard said that Joan's biggest competition on J-Date is there. He was talking about Barbara Walters. Joan said that they are actually very good friends. Howard said that Jeff's career is going very well. Jeff said Howard mentioned him every day on the air this week. He said his shows sell out every week when he mentions him. Howard said when he does that for Joan nothing happens.
Howard said this couch they're sitting on is made of Johnny Carson's bones. Joan said that she's just happy to see Howard. Howard said it's weird to be doing the show on stage in front of an audience. Jimmy said that you can't see these assholes texting during the show when they're not in front of you.
Howard asked Joan about this fur she's wearing. Joan said it's the other half of Lindsay Lohan's stolen fur. Jeff said that she shops at Forever 71. Jimmy asked where he shops. Jeff said he got that out of Jimmy's closet. Jeff said he shops at Abercrobme and Felch.
Howard said this show is going very well so far. Howard said they're having a lot of fun. Jimmy said that it's time for some music. Jimmy introduced John Mayer who performed a cover of ''Like a Rolling Stone.''
After that performance Jimmy said he wishes he could do anything that well. Howard said the same. Howard said that was great. Jimmy said there might be an opening for him in Electric Comic Book. Howard asked John to sit on the couch later. John said he would do that.
Jimmy said it's time for some messages from Ellen Degeneres and Jerry Seinfeld. They played the video messages and Ellen said that she and Howard have a lot in common. They were both born in January... and um... and didn't come up with anything else. She said she's sure they must have something else in common. She didn't have anything.
Jerry Seinfeld also sent a message to Howard. He said that they're the same age and Howard has taken his warmth and insecurities and turned it into fantastic media empire. He said he can't see how he could have done any better. He said Howard wins and said Happy birthday.
Howard said that was very nice. Jimmy said that Jerry would have been there but he told him he doesn't have a car.
Jimmy said he just saw Kathy Griffin there. He asked her to come up. Howard said she looks beautiful. Jimmy asked her not to get close to Howard since Howard asked her not to. He was kidding. Kathy said Howard picked her dress actually. She said that if it wasn't for Howard straight guys wouldn't even know who she was. Howard said he's watched the transformation of her body and she's a hard body now. Kathy said she's no Tan Mom but she has dreams. Howard said that everyone has ear pieces on their table to hear the show if they want. Jimmy said they have Sybians set up in the back of the house too.
Howard said he feels like he's fully in control of this show. Jimmy said he's glad he does because he doesn't feel that way himself.
Jimmy moved on to introduce governor Chris Christie. Howard sounded shocked to see him. Howard gave him a big ''Wow!'' Christie said that everyone looking to see the Super Bowl will have to go to the right side of the river on Sunday. Christie said that they love Howard and said that he's not the representative of New Jersey he wants to see now. He said it's not Baba Booey... it's one of New Jersey's favorite sons, Jon Bon Jovi. Jon and the guys went right into ''Wanted Dead or Alive.'' They wished Howard a happy birthday after that. Howard said you have to love Jon. He said he's always there for their birthday shows. Robin said he played their prom. Howard had him come over and hug him. Howard said Dr. Drew was standing on his head doing shots during that song. Howard said Jon did that with Train. Jimmy said they have to take a break but they have more coming up after that. As they went to break they had a birthday message from Robin Williams.
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Howard said people are hob knobbing and really not paying attention to them. Robin, Howard and Jimmy were talking about the people there and Jimmy mentioned that they were suggesting that Whitney Cummings do an enema with Robin on stage.
Howard said he was very moved when Jon Bon Jovi did the song. He said that he used to come in and do shows with them at Club Bene. Howard said he has done so many of their birthday shows and he always shows up. Jimmy said there was a time that he didn't show up. Howard said that's true. Then they saw Steven Tyler with Beth Stern in his arms. Howard asked what he's doing. Steven said she's so beautiful and that's why he loves Howard. Howard said Steven is great and he loves him for being there. He said he didn't know what to say to him. Steven said he loves every bone in Beth's body, especially his.
Jimmy introduced Heidi Klum next. Heidi came up and sang a little bit of happy birthday to Howard. She said she knows how much Howard loves her singing. Howard said he can't get enough of it. Howard asked if she's ready to start work again. She said she is. Howard gave her a kiss. Jimmy said there seems to be some wife swapping going on there. Heidi said she loves talking about sexy guys and she gets to announce the sexiest man alive. She said his name is JD Harmeyer. JD came out and asked if she was high. He then introduced Adam Levine from Maroon 5 who performed ''Purple Rain'' with Train backing him up.
After that performance Howard thanked Adam for doing that. He said he didn't know he played guitar like that. Robin said she's not sure why Howard is the most fuckable and Adam is the most talented. Howard said he saw Katie Couric throwing her panties on stage.
Jimmy took over again and introduced Louis CK. Louis came out and said a few words and said he's sorry he didn't wear a suit. He said when Howard dies he'll wear a suit. Louis said he's honored to be there. He said he and Howard met a long time ago and Howard probably doesn't remember. He said when he was growing up in Newton, Mass he and his friends used to swim in a pool at Boston University. He said he caught a mouth full of water and he thought he was going to die. He said he felt someone swoop into the water and he felt these strong hands pull him out. He said this big man was there and he asked who he was. He said his name was Howard Stern. He said they looked at each other and started to hug. He said Howard had his weight on him and it felt good and safe. He said then he asked if he could kiss him. Louis said he said no and then Howard kissed him anyway and then came on his face. Louis said he just wanted to thank him for that. Howard asked if he was really that quick. Louis said it didn't really happen.
Louis said he got his first car which was a Datsun B210 and he drove to New York City when he was about 17. He said he got stuck in traffic in New York and he was listening to some guy prank calling Yoko Ono on the radio. He said this was the worst shit and he was angry that he was stuck in traffic. He said he listened to him for 3 hours and by the end he loved this man. He said this man is New York City. Louis said this is where a man can be on the radio and be the voice of the city and he wanted to live there because of that. Louis said Howard is the guy who said ''Be yourself and let the chips fall where they may.'' He said he owes Howard a lot. He said that story is actually true. Howard said that's fantastic. He said he's left him speechless. Louis asked if he has to tell jokes because that's all he had. Howard told him he can take a seat. Howard said he's honored that he's there. He said he knows he has a million other things to do. Louis said that Jerry Seinfeld is like 2 blocks up from there. He said he could have shown up.
Howard asked if he's a drinking man. Louis said he's been sober for 15 years but fuck it. He said he was kidding about that. Howard asked if he's really Mexican. Louis said he is. Howard and the guys all did a shot.
Howard said that Jenny McCarthy is there. He said he tried to set Louis up with her. Louis said he's seeing someone now. He said he loves her and they're happy. Howard asked if that's going to end up in the Enquirer. Louis said he'd like it not to be. Howard asked Louis how he stays low profile and stays out of the tabloids. Howard asked what Alec Baldwin is doing wrong. Louis said he's not sure. He said he's not sure Alec would care to hear from him.
Howard said that song by Adam was great. He said he looked out and saw Sandra Bernhard teaching Tracy Morgan Kabbalah.
Jimmy asked if Howard was ready for another video message. Howard asked if Louis is. Jimmy had them look up to see Matt Lauer and Al Roker who are over in Sochi for the Winter Olympics. They recorded something for Howard. They said they were sorry they were so far away. They said they love Howard and wished him to have a great birthday. Then they pretended they were doing a bar mitzvah video after that.
Howard said Louis was the number 1 most funny guy on Rolling Stone's 50 most funny people list. They let Louis go after that.
Jimmy introduced their house band, Train, who performed their song ''Drive By'' and then broke into Led Zeppelin's ''The Ocean.''
After that performance Howard said no one does Zeppelin like Pat. He said that he does it better than Zeppelin. Pat said happy birthday to Howard. Howard thanked them for being their house band.
Jimmy threw it to Jeff Probst who was out in the crowd and said that one of the most surprisingly candid interviews was with Katie Couric. He introduced her and Howard and Katie spent a little time talking. Katie said everyone is talking about how handsome Howard looks tonight. Howard asked when her wedding is. Katie said it's this summer. She said her man is there. Howard said he can marry them right now. Howard said he is an ordained minister. Katie said that she's going to hold off on that. Howard asked if he'll be at the wedding. She said he won't but he will be at the party. Howard said he had a great time on her TV show. Katie said that someone said that Howard was responsible for increasing the prize money on her TV show. She said that Howard said something about that when he was there and they did bump it up from $500 to $600.
Howard said he saw Katie throw her underwear up on stage during Pat's performance. Katie said that he hasn't seen the last of her because she'll be introducing someone later. Howard asked to speak to her fiancee so he could ask about the first time they had sex. Jeff brought the mic over to him. Howard asked him what changed his mind about marrying her. He said that he gave him the courage to propose to Katie. Howard said that she's America's sweetheart. Howard asked when they made love for the first time. He said no one said they actually did. He said it was actually amazing sex and the best ever. Howard said he just showed off his interviewing skills with that.
Jimmy introduced Whoopi Goldberg next. Whoopi came up and said a few words to Howard and said she had to be quick. She said she's there primarily for Robin. She said they may be the only two in the room. She said as a representative of the black women race she wanted to let Robin know she has her back. Whoopi said she met Howard in England and they almost got thrown out of the country. She said it was an amazing evening. She said that they bonded over Moms Mabley too. Whoopi said she had people come up to her saying they thought she was an asshole until they heard her on Howard Stern. She said she's still an asshole. Howard asked when she's going to play Moms Mabley in a movie. She said she's going to do it on Broadway in the fall.
Howard asked Whoopi what she would usually be doing on a night like tonight. She said she'd be getting high. Howard asked what drug she uses. Whoopi said that she relaxes at night. She said she has a vape pen that she uses. Whoopi said she's not sure what's in it but she's very happy about whatever it is. Howard asked if Barbara knows about that. Whoopi said that she still has to get one of those pens to Barbara. Howard said he's honored to have her there.
Jimmy asked everyone to take their seat. He said they're getting annoyed with them. He pointed out that Robert Downey Jr. has been able to sit there. He told the rest of the crowd to follow his lead.
Jimmy had everyone check out the video screens because they had a few birthday wishes. The first one was from the Beach Boys. They sang a song to Howard to the tune of ''California Girls.'' Then they had a quick birthday wish from Neil Young. Then James Hetfield from Metallica sang happy birthday to him in a very Metallica way. Howard said he loves that man.
Jimmy introduced the next guest which was Bryan Cranston. Bryan came out and Howard said he's the man. Bryan came out and said that they thought his blue shit was good. Howard said that's a real actor right there. Bryan said they know who he is. They know exactly who he is. Bryan said he's not JD Harmeyer. He did an impression of JD. Then he told the crowd to say his name like he did in Breaking Bad. Bryan said he's Bryan Fucking Cranston. He said he won 3 Emmys, a Golden Globe and a hand full of SAG awards. He said he also won a Cable Ace Award back in the 80s. Bryan said some people think he's the danger but the real danger is Howard Stern. Howard said his cred just went up. Bryan said Howard is the one who knocks. He thanked Howard for inviting him and he said he's on his radio every morning. He said Robin looks wonderful too. He said Jimmy looks great too. Bryan said their next guest is not so scary. He said that he's not scary at all. He said he'd make Tom Hanks look like Hitler. He said that it's the new host of The Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon.
Jimmy Fallon came out and said happy birthday to Howard. Jimmy said this is great and he wondered how Howard is awake right now. Howard said he's not sure. He said he just had a shot of vodka and he asked Jimmy to take one too. Jimmy said Howard once gave him some advice before he interviewed the President. Howard said he thinks that Jimmy Kimmel just poisoned his drink. He asked if he's prepared to take over the Tonight Show. Jimmy said he thinks he is. He said that they're bringing the Tonight Show back to New York. Jimmy and Howard took their shots. Jimmy didn't want to do more than one. Robin said she drank hers so Howard has to do another one. Howard said he's going to puke. He said he can't do another one. Jimmy said that would be like the channel 9 show.
Jimmy said a lot of comedians couldn't make it tonight so he's going to do impressions of those people. Jimmy gave Howard a stopwatch and told him to change every 10 seconds. Jimmy did impressions of Jerry Seinfeld, Bill Cosby, Chris Rock, Robin Williams, Norm MacDonald, Gilbert Gottfried, Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler. Howard said that was brilliant. Howard thanked Jimmy for coming and let him go. Howard said now Jimmy Kimmel will juggle. Kimmel said he didn't think that was funny at all. Kimmel said that they have to take another break now. They have more people coming up after the break. Howard said he can't handle his liquor and he's very drunk right now.
Howard said his wife did a costume change. He had her stand up to show the crowd. Howard said happy wife, happy life. Beth told everyone who she was wearing. Howard asked if he wants to know how much it cost. Beth said no.
Jimmy introduced Mary McCormack who played Howard's wife in Private Parts. Jimmy said she is actually wearing her ear piece. Howard said she always follows directions.
Jimmy said that he had to move them along. He said they have another guest coming in. Seth Meyers came in and said it was great to be there. He said this was the first time they met. Seth said when he grew up his dad drove an hour to work in Boston and his dad would listen. He said his dad would sit in the car and enjoy the show for 10-15 minutes after getting home. Seth said it turns out his radio didn't work and he just didn't want to come in. Seth said that Howard has been playing to 3 generations of uncles that never get invited to family events. He said Howard looks like the Ramones' mom with that hair. He said he may look like a retired magician. Seth said that Howard is very charitable. He said he read he fostered over 50 cats and when you take that into account along with the guests you can say that no one has done more for damaged pussy. Seth thanked Howard for having him there. Howard said he has to get him into the studio. Seth said he's coming sometime in the next 3 weeks. Seth said now he's going to introduce someone. He said he's introducing a great friend Fred Armisen.
Fred Armisen got up and said he's going to have a bit of a serious moment. He said Howard's relationship to his parents is very loving. He said in the spirit of that he's going to play a song that his dad taught him. He said that he's sorry to get sentimental. He said this is a song called Blackbird. Fred then performed the song ''Blackbird.'' He was out of tune and out of key. He had Robin and Howard cracking up. Jimmy said that was ridiculous. Jimmy said he wanted to point out that his tribute to Howard was to sing badly.
Jimmy said Howard met this person when he called her a little fat girl. He introduced Lena Dunham. Lena came in and said it was so amazing to be there. She said there are so many people she sort of cares about in the audience. Howard asked her to dump that boyfriend that she has on her show. He said he doesn't treat her very well. Lena said Howard doesn't either. Lena went on to say that she wasn't allowed to listen to Howard as a child. She said her parents thought he was a misogynist. She said that she was thrilled when she found out Howard knew who she was. She said her friend is a superfan and she tuned in and heard Howard saying she looks like Jonah Hill. She said Howard said she was raping his eyes every week. She said he quickly apologized and asked her to come on the show to say how much he respected her. Then he asked her if she was upset that her boyfriend could be getting hotter ass. Howard said he doesn't remember that. Lena said that she didn't ask if he felt the same way because Beth could be with someone who didn't look like a cartoon of a Jewish female horse. Howard said she's brutal. Howard said he's getting beaten. Lena said Howard doesn't look 60. She said that he looks like he was inspired by Rhea Perlman. Lena said she's not intimidated and her boyfriend is a huge Moneyball fan. She said she did lose 15 pounds to be there tonight. She said she's been vomiting all of her meals for the past month. Lena said that women keep coming back for more with Howard. She said that she thinks Howard is a powerful asset to women everywhere. With that being said she said she was there to meet Howard and to present an iconic woman who should have enough self respect not to be there, Sarah Silverman.
Sarah Silverman came out and said that Jimmy used to be her world. She said that she feels like Howard's fans are bottomless pits. She said that they will always want more. She said that she wishes they could freeze time so the show would never ever end. She then broke into song and sang a song about Howard and the show. Then Natalie Maines joined in on the song. They had a bunch of great references to the show in the song. Sarah said they love Howard after the song.
Howard said that was something. Jimmy said they got it all in there. Jimmy then introduced the next guest, David Letterman. Jimmy said he's easily the least excited to be there tonight.
Dave went up and sat with Howard on stage so Howard could talk to him for a bit of time. Howard said it was an honor to have him there. Howard said he knows he's miserable with this. He said he'll make this as painless as possible. Dave said this is like one of those Kim Jong Un birthday parties. Howard thanked him for coming in. Dave asked how long they've known each other. Howard said he was the first one to put him on TV. He said it was the highlight of his life. He said he was grateful for him being there. Dave said Howard does them favors by coming on their show. Dave said Howard could have done other shows but they were in the same building at the time.
Howard said he wrote down 75 questions for him. Dave said he was talking to his wife today and she asked if he was really doing the show. Dave said he told her that Howard has apologized. Howard said he did screw up with Dave and his wife. He thanked him for forgiving him on that. He said he was being a total asshole. Dave said they know he's just being silly about things. Howard said he did get carried away. Dave asked Howard who has thinner skin. Howard said he may. Dave asked Howard how close he was to walking off his show last time he was on. Howard said he was kind of confused. He said they got into a discussion about Brad Grey and he's still trying to figure that out. Howard said he called him a weasel and he wonders if there was fall out after. Dave said Brad's office contacted him and said they have never met. Dave said that's correct and they asked him to meet. He said no. Howard asked why he doesn't. Dave said he doesn't know the man. Howard said the guy is very creative and he put out 11 films last year that were all hits. Dave said he doesn't make movies and he just doesn't need him. Howard said he was glad they left all of that in the show.
Dave said he called Howard a suck up and he thought he was going to walk off. Howard said he never knows what to expect on that show. He said Robin yelled at him for going off on him about talking to Jay Leno. Howard asked what they talk about. Dave said he's only spoken to Jay once in the past 4 or 5 years. Howard said he is not speaking to Jay. Howard said he will never do that. He said he will be loyal to Dave.
Dave said things were done 30 years ago by him. He said that things were done to him after that and he just wondered how much longer he could carry that with him. Dave said he called Jay when they said he was leaving the Tonight Show for the second time. He said he's not sad about that since he's had such a tremendous time. Howard asked if he wanted to do a shot in celebration. Dave said he can't do that.
Howard said Jay has done a great job for NBC. Dave said he felt it wasn't a factor anymore so what does he care. Howard said he was thinking about Dave's son who is 10 now. The crowd was chanting and making noise and Howard said he just wants to do an interview in the studio with Dave. Jimmy tried to calm them down but the crowd was still chanting.
Howard asked Dave about his son and if he has other parents come over. Howard said he did that when he had kids. Howard said the other parents must come over and Dave is thinking about how they're going to gossip about him and his house. Dave said they do it irrespective of what you do. Howard asked if he has had people in the house. Dave said they have. He said he has made friends with people in the neighborhood.
Howard asked Dave if he's got friends from his childhood. Dave said he does. He asked Howard if he does. Howard said he does. Howard said he found that new friends will actually behave better around you.
Howard asked Dave about Jay and if he's going to continue to do his show. Dave said he will. He said he doesn't want to quit but you can't go on forever. He said there is a game plan for him. Howard asked Dave if he has any hobbies. Dave laughed. Howard said Dave thinks it's weird that he got into photography and guitar. Dave said there is nothing weird about that. Howard said he thinks that Dave isn't a man about hobbies. Dave said he has hobbies. He said he could mention them but Howard would laugh at him. Howard said he won't laugh. Dave said he's into fishing. Robin asked if he does the boat thing. Dave said he does it all from the living room.
Howard said he pictures Dave selling Grit from door to door as a kid. Dave said he did. Howard asked if there were black people in his neighborhood. Dave said there were. He said he has them now.
Howard said Dave got a job as a local weather guy and he would think that was painful to leave. He said he was a local celebrity. Dave said he knew he couldn't sit in the announce booth all his life.
Howard asked Dave why he got drunk to do that job. Dave said they got drunk after sign off. He said he didn't do it on the air. Dave said they would sit and get drunk during the late movie.
Howard asked Dave about doing stand up comedy. Dave said that's not for him. He said there are others who are able to do that and it's not for him. He said it must be a nightmare for guys who are doing it there tonight.
Howard asked Dave about why he did it. Dave said he wanted to get on the Tonight Show and he had to do comedy to do that. He said he had 5 minutes of material that he worked on just for that. Dave said that he would go out on the road and do a lot of ''Hi, where are you from?'' material. Howard asked if he did stand up on the Tonight Show. Dave said he did. He said he did the material and it worked. He said he got to sit next to Johnny and that's where he was really scared. Howard asked about how he became friendly with him. Dave said they became friends and they would play tennis together at his house. Howard said he pictures him being miserable doing that. Dave said it can be. Howard said the climb wasn't fun for him. Dave said it wasn't but it was a tremendous experience to do that with Johnny Carson. He said after tennis Johnny would play drums for him. He said that he was all sweaty and playing drums for him. Dave said that was something that he'd remember his whole life. Howard said that is not normal. He said he must have thought it was bizarre. Dave said he thinks this whole thing is weird.
Howard asked Dave why he let Johnny rule the way he did his show after his show. Dave said it was an opportunity to do a show right after Johnny Carson so that was a success. Howard said he didn't let him do more than 4 jokes in his monologue. Dave said he's not even sure if it was Johnny's rules. He said there was another guy who told him those rules. He said that guy did a lot of things on his own.
Howard asked Dave about the actresses he has on the show who don't have anything to talk about. Dave said he's 3 times as old as some of these women and he feels maternalistic about them.
Dave asked Jimmy if he's just going to sit there. Jimmy said he's fascinated. Then he told the audience to ''shut up you rapists!''
Howard said he can't figure out Dave's relationship to musicians. He said he once leaned over to him and said ''Look at this asshole'' when a music performance was going on. Dave said some of them hold your interest and some do not.
Howard said he has to know about Dave moving to L.A. and writing for Bob Hope. He said he read that he wrote a joke for Bob and thought it was exciting. He said he would think it was a nightmare. Dave said you quit your job and you move and you need money. He said he was on a show Bob Hope was doing in Australia. He said he wrote the joke and stayed home with Bob's wife. He said none of his jokes ever appeared on that show. He said he knew it was a poor fit with Bob Hope.
Howard asked Dave if he feels that pressure for guys that have worked with him. He asked if Dave has fired anyone personally. Dave said he has. He said he felt that was the thing to do.
Howard said Jimmy JJ Walker had him write for him. Howard asked if that was horrible because he couldn't relate. Dave said the overlap was very slim. He said they'd get an occasional joke in. Howard asked how he handles it when he has guests like that on and things are over. Dave said that they do have him on and quite frequently.
Howard asked Dave who the worst guest is he's ever had. Dave asked Jimmy to say. Jimmy said it was Vivica A Fox. Dave said that's his worst too. Howard said he and Jimmy talk about Dave. Dave said he knows and he finds that interesting. Howard asked if he used to get upset and throw things when he was upset. Dave said he was that guy but he's calmed down. Howard asked if the heart attack changed him. Dave said no. He said he didn't have a heart attack. Howard said he did too. Dave said he had shingles. He said that was very painful. Howard said he thought he had a heart attack. Dave said they found his heart had problems and they had to do some work on him.
Dave said he's doing therapy and doing Transcendental Meditation too. Howard said he was thinking about Larry Bud Melman. Dave said he had him on his first show. Dave said that he didn't go to his funeral. He said he hadn't seen him for quite some time. Dave said that things change and there's an evolution. Howard said they were just done with him. Robin said he's saying ''we'' do this and ''we'' do that. Dave said that it's a show so that's what it is.
Jimmy said that Dave said he'd give him $100,000 to cut this off early. Howard said that he needs a few more minutes. Howard said that Dave was having a feud with Oprah and he stuck her with his tab. Dave said that there was no feud. He said he just told the waiter that they were taking care of his check and left. He said that wasn't the feud. He said Oprah was doing a show with him and the audience was heckling her. He said that she got upset that he didn't defend her and that's what led to the feud.
Howard asked Dave about having President Bush on his show and how that was. Howard said he was outraged when he saw him wipe his glasses on the woman's coat. Dave said he thought that was hilarious. He said he was big enough of a stooge to do that because he doesn't know better. He said that he gave the Prime minister of Germany a back rub too.
Howard asked Dave if he hates being there. Dave said he was very happy to be there and to see Howard and Robin. He said that he didn't think Jimmy would be sitting between them. Howard thanked him for being there. Dave thanked him and wished him a happy birthday. They let Dave go after that.
Jimmy said he loved that. He said he could have let that go on forever. He said he did have some crazy questions like asking if he went to Larry Bud Melman's funeral.
Jimmy introduced another video clip for Howard. It was Arnold Schwarzenegger wishing Howard a happy birthday. Arnold said he was in Austria so he can't be there in New York. He wished Howard all the best and said ''I'll be back.'' Then he reveals that he's not really in Austria like he thinks he's not on camera.
Jimmy introduced Katie Couric who came up and said she shaved her legs for Howard. She said she's wearing her pleather too. Katie said it's getting aggravating when people say he's the best interviewer out there. She said that he did ask great questions with Dave. She said she just wanted to say that there is always a very tolerant woman behind a man like Howard. She had Beth stand up and say hi. Katie said that she and Beth are both going home with him tonight. Katie said that their next guest may join them if he plays his cards right. She said Howard loves this person almost as much as her.
Katie introduced Jewel who came up and told a story about Bob Dylan and how her childhood dream came true when she got to tour with him. She said someone else wrote a song when he was in 6th grade and she's going to sing the song that her hero write. She then broke into Howard Stern's ''Silver Nickels and Golden Dimes.''
After the performance Jimmy said he thinks that's a good song. Jewel said that it is like paving the way for feminism. Robin said she thinks that she's reading into that. Howard said he is so honored by her doing that song. Howard said he told Robin he's a great song writer and now he knows he is.
Jimmy had a video clip from George Clooney next. George said this is a big night for him. He said he knows that Howard is surrounded by people he thinks are his friends. George said that people wonder what an old guy is doing with a woman like his wife. He said he can understand that. Then he's interrupted by a young girl and then he tells Howard ''Fuck 'em Howard, Fuck 'em.''
Jimmy said 15 years ago it was almost unthinkable that this person would be there. He said that he has evolved from monster to man. He introduced Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie got up and said hi to Howard and Robin and said she's glad that Robin is well. She said hello to the audience and the Wack Pack. Rosie said they've had a troubled and turbulent relationship. She said that they didn't always see eye to eye. She said she wrote a little song about their relationship. She said she isn't John Mayer or Adam Levine. She broke into a song parody about Howard and how he used to treat her and the things that he used to say about her. It was to the tune of ''Summer Nights'' from Grease. She ended that saying that pumpkin head loves Howard. Jimmy said they had to take a break after that.
John said several years ago Howard asked him to take a bath with his wife. He said he supplements his income by doing that. He introduced Mike Love who was in the audience. John said Howard has been very kind to him. He said that he has a thing for Howard almost as much as Howard has one for him. He said he has done many great things in his life and he brought the public honesty. He said he thanks him for that. Howard thanked him too. He asked if he has had sex with Rihanna. John must not have heard him.
John said he played drums with this next man. He said that he speaks the truth when he sings. John introduced John Fogerty who performed ''Bad Moon Rising'' and ''Fortunate Son.''
After that Jimmy said that was unbelievable. Howard said he wrote that song in 20 minutes. Howard said he's so blown out by this. Jimmy said this is a big event and they've had a lot of interview requests. He said only one reporter got an interview. Jimmy introduced Maria Menounos next. Maria came in and Howard said they need to get a picture of that and get it up on the web site. Maria came up and Jimmy said ''Holy shit!'' when he saw her. Howard asked if she's wearing underwear. Maria said she is but people thought the Wack Pack were going to rip them off. Howard said she's been a good sport over the years. Howard said they should mate Maria with John Stamos and see what they can create. Howard said she looks amazing. Howard said she sat in the tickle chair and that was really hot. Howard said he felt like he could have gotten her. Howard said she's always been a good sport.
Maria said that she's terrified right now. She said she's been drinking to get through this. Maria said that she's just there to do an interview. Howard told her to ask him a question. Maria said the people in this room are the nicest people in this business. Howard asked where his interview is. Jimmy told her she's out of time. Maria asked Howard who he was the most excited to see. Howard said Miss Robin Quivers who is alive and with him tonight. He said that this woman is the only one who could get him to retire. Howard said he's very happy she's there with him and he hopes she lives another 150 years. Robin thanked him for that. Howard said he loves that woman.
Howard said Mr. James Kimmel who has become a brother to him is one he can go on vacation with. Howard said he's really grateful to him. He said John Fogerty is great too. He said he listened to him as a kid. He said this whole thing is mind blowing to him.
Howard said he loves that dress she's wearing. Howard said she looks so good he's ignoring that laugh. Maria asked Howard if he has done an interview that he wished had gone differently. Howard said yes. Will Ferrell and Robin Williams. Howard said he wants them to come back so he can do a proper interview. Howard said that his biggest fault is that he was more interested in himself when he was younger.
Maria asked Howard to finish this sentence and said ''At 60 I feel I can...'' Howard said ''Fuck Robin.'' He said he really thinks that he can keep going with this radio show. He said the fans have been loyal to him and he's very happy to celebrate with them.
Maria asked what he's most proud of. Howard said he shaved off his Hitler moustache. He said he's most proud of the organization they've built. Howard said this whole thing is amazing to him. Maria said it really is. She said it's a testament to him that all of these people are there. Howard said he's thinking about Maria playing volleyball with that guy from that TV show. Maria asked what lesson he's learned in this business. Howard said it's just to be honest.
Jimmy wrapped up with Maria and introduced the guys who do the Robin song parodies. They had Psych, Eli Braden and Little Mikey there to do some songs. First up was Little Mikey who did a parody about Robin's boobs to the tune of ''With a Little Help From My Friends.'' Robin said a few words to him but her mic wasn't on. Then Psych did his song parody of ''Blurred Lines.'' Jimmy then introduced Eli Braden who did a song parody to the tune of ''My Generation.''
Robin said she can't hear anymore. Jimmy asked if Robin had anything to say to them. Robin said she has to regain her composure. She said she wasn't expecting that. Something was going on with Eli. Robin said that she has a rebuttal song for all three of them. Jimmy asked if the crowd wanted to hear a song from Robin. They cheered. Robin said she may not have a voice after all the screaming she's been doing. Robin then broke into a song about the guys and how she wanted to vomit when she heard those lyrics. She did the song to the tune of ''You're So Vain.''
Jimmy said it was almost like Robin's birthday. Robin said she got the best gift. Howard thanked those guys for coming. Howard said that was good.
Jimmy said that Robin isn't the only one who inspires great music. He said there's a certain Mama Monkey there who does too. He had Daniel Mendelson come in and perform his Baba Booey opera song parody.
Howard said that was a great tribute. Howard asked Jimmy if he has songs for his producer. Jimmy said their fans aren't as committed.
Jimmy introduced a video clip from Sir Paul McCartney who sang a song for Howard for his birthday. He did a very Marilyn Monroe-like version of Happy Birthday. Paul was in Japan when he recorded it.
Jimmy then introduced Dan Patrick who came up and said a few words. Someone in the audience yelled out ''Who are you!?'' Dan said Howard is the only show he listens to on a regular basis. He said it's very difficult to do what he does. He said he makes the mundane entertaining and to do that on a daily basis it's something that he bored for his own show. Dan said he started to listen in 1986 and the guy who is coming up next started listening in 1981. He introduced Dave Grohl.
Dave Grohl said it's a long story how he got there. He said he won't tell it now. He said it has something to do with this song. He played an acoustic version of ''Everlong.''
After the song Howard just said ''Wow'' a bunch of times. Howard said it was awesome. Dave went over and gave Howard a hug. Howard had him sit down. Dave asked where his fucking shot is. Howard said he's so drunk. Dave said he is not. He said he's just doing half a shot. Howard said he doesn't know why people are keeping score. Dave said he has to do the whole fucking shot. Howard said Dave wrote that song in like 45 minutes. Howard toasted Dave for always being a friend. Howard and Dave took their shots. Howard took the whole thing. Dave said that was disgusting.
Howard said when Dave did that song on the show he thought it was one of the stellar moments of his career. He said people were going nuts. Dave said most people don't know that in 1998 they came on the Howard Stern Show and someone said they might have to play acoustically. Dave said he had never done anything acoustically. He said that was the only song he wasn't screaming his balls off on the record. He said he did it that morning and he had never done it before. He said Howard played it like 10 times in an hour. He said if it wasn't for that song that morning he's not sure he'd be there right now. Dave asked how many people have heard that version of the song in the past 15 hours. He said Howard produced it.
Howard said if Dave went into a studio and did that it wouldn't have been like that. Dave said it was capturing the moment. Howard said he thinks it's phenomenal. Howard asked how you write a song like that in 45 minutes and then other songs take forever. Dave said the song comes and then the hook comes fast. He said it happens like a puzzle or a joke.
Howard said Dave met a girl and it didn't work out. Howard asked if the relationship should have ended up in a marriage. Dave said ''fuck no!'' Howard said he has to compliment him on Sound City. He said it's a phenomenal movie that he did about a recording studio. Howard said it's a great movie and he didn't know how important a sound board was. Dave said you never really take into consideration what's involved in a studio. He said you just sing along to a song. He said that Sound City was about the board but it was more than that. He said it shows there's more to a song than just the song. Howard said Fleetwood Mac was formed there at Sound City.
Dave said the movie took about a year to make. Dave said that it was him and those two dirt bags in the front row. He said this is the biggest night of his life right there. Howard said he didn't think he'd even like him. Howard said the movie is really great. Robin said it really is a history of music.
Dave asked if he can do that Silver Nickels and Golden Dimes. Howard said he was watching him watching Jewel and he though that he might think he's a good song writer. Dave said Psychadellic Bee is another great one.
Howard asked Dave about dropping out of school. Dave said that his mom got it and she knew he wasn't doing very well in school so she got it. He said his mother is the coolest mother ever. He said his dad was pissed though. He said his dad wasn't into that.
Howard asked if he's going to direct another movie. Dave said he would but he has a day job. He said he and the guys are working on another album. He said the music is done. Howard said it took him 19 months to write Silver Nickels and Golden Domes. Dave said it sounds like it.
Howard thanked Dave for coming there. Jimmy said he's not leaving. He said he's going to do another song for them. Howard asked if he wanted another shot. Dave said he does. He said he knows they want him to do another song but he doesn't want to do that one. He said he wants to play the one that makes Howard cry. Howard said he thinks about his father when he hears that. Dave wanted to perform ''My Hero.'' Howard told him to do it. Dave got up, after doing his shot, and performed ''My Hero.''
After the song Dave wished Howard a happy birthday. Dave thanked the audience. Howard said that song gets him every time. Robin asked if Beth is drinking tonight. Howard said he had the host of the kitten bowl in his lap.
Jimmy introduced the next video wish which was from Kathie Lee Gifford. She said she was sorry she couldn't be there but she thanks him for the lovely things he's said about him over the years. She said that he's been so kind to her and her husband. Kathie said Howard is precious and they celebrate him tonight. Kathie said ''happy birthday you mother fucker'' to end the video.
After the video Jimmy, who sounded very drunk, had the guys bring out a cake. Robin thought there was a fire back stage. The cake came out and everyone sang Happy Birthday to Howard.
Howard thanked her for that. Jimmy said Gary did a great job with this. He said Jon Hein, Will and others. Jimmy said they have more to come. He introduced Robert Downey Jr. after that. He introduced him as the original Crackhead Bob.
Robert came out and said that no one knows how much he was paid to be there tonight. He said he isn't there as a fan even though he listens to the show religiously. He said that he relates more to Robin. He said if he wasn't clean he'd be wishing they were tripping balls in South America right now. Robert said in 1992 when Howard appeared as Fartman a seed was planted. He said if that guy can be a super hero then he can. He said that he's so excited to be there. Robert said he has been paying attention unlike the rest of you ADD mother fuckers. He said that Howard was doing an interview making history with David Letterman. Robert said that the one interview you do not want to do is Howard Stern. He said every movie he promotes from now on will be promoted with Howard Stern. He said he may have to fire his publicist. Robert said he has to thank Howard. He said that he's introducing one of the greatest front men of all time. He introduced Steven Tyler and Slash.
Steven said this has been a long and strange trip. He dedicated the song to Howard. Steven performed ''Dream On.'' Slash was there and playing guitar.
Steven wished Howard a happy birthday. Howard thanked Steven and Slash for the song. Howard said he was floored. He said that was great. He said he loved it. Steven thanked Howard. Jimmy had to relay the message since they couldn't hear Howard.
Jimmy said this makes him realize how terrible his birthday parties are. Jimmy said they wanted to give Howard a chance to thank his fans. Howard said he had to sit down and do this right. He said there is going to be a big enema party at Robin's place tonight.
Howard said he has to thank everyone. He said he is moved. He said this gentleman, Steven Tyler, means everything to him. He said he's the real deal. He said Slash coming out was great too. He said he has to thank these guys for coming. He said they have lives and they could be out banging someone. He said he has to thank everyone for showing up. Howard said he thinks back to the climb and when he was at WRNW or WCCC he and Fred worked together. He said things seemed pretty bleak. Howard said he would play records like Steven's and he'd wonder how he was going to make a living. He said when WBLM rejects you then it brings you down. He said that he could never tell you how amazing this moment is for him right now. He said he never envisioned making more than $96 per week. He said he's overwhelmed tonight.
Howard thanked Jimmy Kimmel for flying in for this. He said he's a true brother. He said he's a dear friend too. He thanked everyone who contributed to this. He said that Train was great and they've been there for him. He said he'll be there for them too. Dave Grohl was on drums and getting ready to play.
Howard said this is unbelievable. He said that he has to thank SiriusXM and Jim Meyer for supporting them. He said he's become a true friend. He said that long may SiriusXM live. He said lets keep going. Howard said Scott Greenstein has been a gem too. He said that they've done it. They've gone from 400,000 to over 25 million subscribers.
Howard thanked the whole staff from SiriusXM who worked on this. He said he has to thank Gary Dell'Abate for being there for him. He said he put a sign on his desk years ago saying he was Executive Producer. He said he's thankful to him for what he's done.
Howard said that there's another hero there tonight. He said he's a friend and his name is Ross Zapin. He said Jeremy Coleman has been in his corner too. He said he's worked his ass off as Program Director. Howard thanked Marcy Turk who the fans don't know. Howard said you may not know her but she's worked her ass off. Howard said hundreds of people have worked on this show so he has to thank them.
Howard said Joel Gallen came in and directed this thing. He thanked him and a bunch of other people. Howard said Richie Notar brought in the food. He said that was all amazing too. Howard thanked the people at the Hammerstein Ballroom. He said it came off without a hitch.
Howard thanked Jimmy Kimmel once again for hosting this thing. Howard said he begged Jimmy to be a part of his show but he's too good for it. Howard thanked him and said he's like a brother.
Howard said he has to thank Don Buchwald too. He said he's his agent and he's his friend too. He said he's been his biggest believer. Howard said when he walked into his office he never thought he'd take him. He said he sat him down and said he could be bigger than Johnny Carson. Howard said he felt like he was in show business for the first time. Howard said he owes his life to Don. Howard thanked Don for being his friend and teaching him how to do business.
Howard said he's said everything on the radio about Robin. He said he owes his career to her. He said she's the true love of his life. He said to know her and to work with her is his life. Howard said Fred Norris is his friend and he's been there since the early days. He said he believed in Fred and they are his real bros. He said Benjy is a great writer and he's very grateful to him. He said everyone on his staff who chipped in are amazing. He said he wouldn't be the same man or a sane man without them.
Howard said he was very hesitant to do this show because it was so overwhelming. He said they all made him very happy though. He said he loves his wife who took him out of the dating life. He said he really loves her.
Howard said to all of the people in the audience and listening at home, they are his inspiration. Howard said as a little boy all he wanted to do was get on the radio and be heard. He said his fans make him live. Howard said he's not sure where he would be without them. The crowd started to chant ''Howard'' over and over.
Jimmy asked if they wanted to hear another song. Everyone did. Steven Tyler started naming names of the people in the audience who he wanted up on stage to sing. Dave Grohl was on drums and Slash played guitar as they started to play ''Walk This Way.''
After the song they ended the show. Jimmy said Howard had to go to bed. They were done aroudn 10:25pm.
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