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Howard talked about how many times Gary had been called names on the show. Howard also joked about how overworked he felt and how that feels like being Robin's vibrator after a weekend at home.
Howard did an opening singing number and Robin was supposed to sing along but she didn't know where to start. They had to tell her where to begin. Robin did her thing and then Howard sang. Gary came in and Howard stopped the song because he didn't like the way he was doing it. They had to start again but this time Howard was off. He blamed Gary. They tried it again. Then Gary screwed it up again so Howard went off on him for a short time. Howard was also blaming Jackie. Jackie wanted to try it again but Howard didn't want to. They eventually convinced him to try it one more time. Howard told everyone to do it right this time. They tried once again. They finally got through it. Gary told Howard he missed a line in Jackie's verse. Howard said he thought everyone had their own verse. He didn't want that in there.
After that opening they went right into a clip from 2001. It was the Best Celebrity ID category. Here's my rundown from October 22, 2001:
Later in the morning after Jesse Camacho came in, Howard gave out another F-Emmy Award for Best Celebrity ID where celebrities leave introductions for the show. The nominees included:
During the interview Howard asked ''P. Diddy'' if Snoop Dogg has a 25 year old daughter. Howard saw some interview where this actress claimed to be Snoop's daughter. Craig Gass finally brought that notion to an end when he said that Snoop's got a new movie coming out so maybe she meant she plays his daughter in the movie or something. Howard was really convinced that Snoop, who claims to be around 27, has a 25 year old daughter.
In the clip Howard played clips of some of the nominees. He had clips of the following fights:
Howard opened the envelope with the winner. It turned out to be John and Fred. Howard had John come in to make a speech. Howard said John was a shoe in to win. He said this is his second win. Howard asked John about when he saw Fred act because he was bad mouthing his acting in the clip. John said he had seen him in a little acting gig. John said he was just trying to get to Fred. Howard said Fred doesn't think John is a great actor either. Fred said he hasn't seen his acting enough to qualify that.
Howard asked John and Fred about some of the things they were saying to each other in the clip. They started to argue again about the acting thing. Howard said he understands why Fred doesn't like John. He said the problem is that Fred sees himself as a guy who has been working with him since Hartford and he thinks that John looks at him like he's a paid intern. Howard said Fred feels that John should respect him more than he does.
John was arguing about what Howard was saying and going back and forth with Fred. John was saying Fred is mainly there to be a writer. Howard said he was actually hired for his voice work. Gary said Fred has done a lot of voices on the show in the past. John asked if it's more bits or voices now. Fred said the point is that he has done it. John said he has acted before he was on the show. Howard said John hasn't acted anywhere since college. John continued to argue and joke around about his acting on the show. Howard congratulated the two of them on their win. Fred said a few words before they wrapped up.
Howard had Fred go into his speech. Fred thanked a bunch of people and mumbled some more unintelligible stuff during that speech. Howard wrapped up after that.
F-Emmy For ''Best Singing By A Non-Professional.'' 11/16/04. 7:35am
After the break Howard had another F-Emmy award to give away. The announcer said something about Howard having 15 months left on his contract but even Howard isn't sure he'll make it to the end of his contract. He said that it could be a week for all he knows. Howard and Robin's agent, Don Buchwald, apparently thinks that Howard will last the rest of his contract. Robin reminded Howard that he hasn't had the chance to say goodbye on the air much. When he gets fired, they never let him go on and talk about it of course.
Howard played a tribute song to Ol' Dirty Bastard before getting to the next F-Emmy category. Howard said that O.D.B. was also working on some new stuff before he died and played a song parody that wasn't really his. It was a song about Scott Peterson to the tune of the Shaft theme song. After that Howard played Colin Quinn and Wendy the Retard doing an intro for him. The next category was ''Best Singing by a Non-Professional.'' Here are the nominees:
The winner was Morton Downey Jr. Howard had Morton on the phone to accept. Robin said that no one else could have taken that from Morton. Howard asked Morton if he'd like to thank anyone. Morton thanked John for having that cleft palate that he has. Morton also thanked Howard for giving him this opportunity. Howard asked if he was on a car phone. Morton said he is actually. Howard said he's surprised he can afford that. Morton said he had to borrow some money from a homeless guy.
Howard said John would still like to fight him. Morton said John couldn't beat his ass. Howard asked why he was so angry at John that night. Morton said he thinks it had to do with David Sittenfeld.
Howard asked if he worked with Jessica Hahn recently. Morton said he did. Morton said he got upset with her when she showed up 27 hours late to work. He yelled at her on the set and made her cry. He said he felt bad for her. He said she had six lines in the movie and she forgot 7 of them.
Howard asked Morton how he's making money. Morton said he's acting and he's getting paid. He said he can't work on TV or radio anymore though. He has to do movies.
Howard said Jessica said that she didn't get paid for that movie. Morton said she got paid up front. He said she's a very nice lady. He said he received all of the money he was supposed to get other than $600. He said the movie is about a guy who runs a night club and becomes a transvestite. He said Jessica plays an alien who grants him a wish.
Howard asked if he still has his girlfriend. Morton said he does. Howard said John wants to talk to him for a second. John said he thought he was going to box him. Morton told him to get some training and then they'll go for it.
Howard said he thinks that he'd rather be Morton Downey Jr. than be Magic Johnson right now. Howard congratulated him on his F-Emmy win and let him go a short time later. They went to break after that.
Howard did more of his Bob Hope impression and said he has to play that song back tomorrow and maybe the next day.
''Best Musical Performance'' F-Emmy Award Goes To... 11/17/04. 8:05am
After the break Howard had another F-Emmy to get to. He also mentioned that Sandi Taylor and her friend will be on the E! show tonight. Howard played a clip of Anna Nicole Smith rambling as an intro for the next award. He then played a pre-taped intro from High Pitch Erik and Kelly Clarkson (also Erik). Howard then moved on to the next category, ''Best Musical Performance'' and the nominees were:
Alanis gave her acceptance speech and thanked her grandparents and her parents. She said that they met when they were 12 years old and if they hadn't she wouldn't be there today. She told Howard about how she walked in on a family member having sex one time but she wouldn't say who it was. She was about 10 years old when it happened. Alanis was impressed with the voices on all of those nominees because they all performed so early in the morning. Howard said he's impressed with the talent that shows up on his show. Howard let Alanis go a little while later. She sounded very happy with the F-Emmy win.
The winner was Ralph. Robin said that can't be all of the nominees. Howard said it was. Ralph came in and made a quick acceptance speech. Howard thanked him for that and wrapped up. Howard said he's a nitwit.
The winner was Mr. T so Howard had him on the phone to accept. Mr. T was on fire thanking Howard for the win and thanking other people as well. Mr. T was going on and on thanking people. Howard congratulated him and said he should be up for World's Longest Acceptance Speech next time. Mr. T kept going thanking Howard and saying hi to Robin and all of that. They wrapped up a short time later.
The 2003 Howard Stern F-Emmy Awards Continue. 11/13/03. 6:45am
Howard moved on to the first category of the day which was ''Most Bizarre Moment of the Friggin Year.'' The first nominee was Underdog Lady returning to the show but refusing to say anything. Next up was Scott the Engineer saying that he'd accept anal from a guy for $250,000. After that they had Artie freaking out during his shoot with the guys from ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.'' Howard opened the envelope after that and said that the winner was Scott the Engineer who was going to accept anal sex for $250,000.
Scott the Engineer came in to accept his award and thanked God. Howard said that they had it all set up for him but he backed out of the whole thing. Gary said that Scott would still be up for it if his family hadn't stopped him from going ahead with it. Scott said he'll have to figure out other ways to make money. Howard said they were going to do this all on Pay-Per-View but Scott says that he never agreed to that and that was part of the problem. Howard said they had to raise the money somehow.
KC came in and asked Scott if he would do oral for $100,000. He quickly said ''No!'' Howard upped the anal money to $500,000 and asked if he would do it then. He said it's not going to happen no matter what. Howard asked Scott if he wanted to finish his speech but he really had nothing to add to what he'd already said so that was that. He sent Scott off and took some phone calls.
The F-Emmys Linger On. 10/16/01. 8:20am
After getting off the phone with Jason Howard did another F-Emmy Award. He played the Lifetime Achievement Award for Wood Yi late in the show yesterday. He replayed it today and then had Wood Yi (Steve the Engineer) come in to accept it. Wood Yi made a (pre-recorded) acceptance speech and made many jokes about Soon Yi and all of the other stuff he always jokes about.
In the clip Howard said this is one of his favorite categories. Howard played the clips for each of the nominees which included:
The winner was Larry Matthews and Howard had him on the phone to accept. Howard said Larry is over satellite accepting his F-Emmy. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Larry who played little Richie on the Dick Van Dyke show. Larry thanked a couple of people and said that he'll treasure this moment forever. Howard let him go and said that it was actually a tie and Lisa Loring did win with Larry. Howard said he just saw it on the piece of paper. Howard said they have someone coming up to accept for Lisa since she's unable to be there. Howard said it's Ray Walston. He played a tape of Walston accepting an award.
Impressions Week: The Jackie Puppet - September 19, 1995. 09/03/12. 10:15am
Next up on Impressions Week we heard a segment from 1995 when Howard gave out some F-Emmy awards and one of them was for Best Interaction with Jackie Puppet.
In the clip Howard played some of the nominees for the Best Interaction with the Jackie Puppet category. He had clips of Patty Davis Reagan, Richard Lewis, Conan O'Brien and some others who were nominated. Each of the people had some kind of interaction with Jackie Puppet who was voiced by Billy West.
The winner was Conan O'Brien and he was on the phone to accept the award. Conan said that this is the first award he's won in quite some time. He said this is better than the award he won on Saturday Night Live. Howard said Conan still has his show and he must be proud of that. Conan said he's been on for 3 seasons now. He asked Howard when he can come on the show. Howard said he will never be on. Howard said he may come on when he has to go out and promote his new book. Howard had Conan make his acceptance speech after that. Conan thanked the puppet and said without that puppet this would not have been possible. Howard thanked Conan for calling in and reminded him that he was talking to a puppet.
In the clip Howard played audio of each of the nominees which included:
The winner was Maury for his call to ABC News. Howard said that Maury is on the phone to accept his F-Emmy. Howard picked up and said that it might not be the funniest but it was the most infamous prank call. Howard asked how he feels. Maury said he had a feeling he was going to get something for that after he hung up. Howard said he beat out all of the competition. Howard had him make his acceptance speech. Maury went into the voice he did during that prank call to make that speech. He thanked Peter Jennings for being as stupid as he was to make that call so great. Howard congratulated him and let Maury go a short time later.
More F-Emmy Awards. 10/13/99. 8:00am
The longest awards show in history continued this morning with a couple more categories. The first category up was ''Best Farter.'' And the nominees were:
More F-Emmy Awards. 10/10/01. 8:35am
The F-Emmy Awards continued through the morning. The next category up was Best Celebrity Impression and here are the nominees:
In the clip Howard played the nominee audio clips which included:
The winner was Meg Griffin who was on the phone to accept her award. Meg wasn't so angry when she was on the phone. Howard said it looked like Cope was going to take it. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Meg about her win. Howard also talked to her about how angry Mark Coppola was and why he thinks that is. Howard said he has a family where he's not the big star. Meg said she has to catch a train. Howard said he heard she's going to be doing nights and he doesn't want that. He said he wants her on after his show. He said he's out of his mind over the whole thing. Howard let her go a short time later.
''Best Blooper'' F-Emmy Award. 11/18/04. 7:30am
Howard had an F-Emmy to give away. He did an intro that Billy Mira did as David Lee Roth and Ozzy Osbourne. They introduced Howard who introduced the category of ''Best Blooper'' which is Gary's favorite category. The nominees were:
In the clip Howard was playing clips for the reasons to keep Gary category of the F-Emmy awards. He had clips where Gary screwed something up. Here are the nominees:
Howard opened the envelope and it was the word game descrambler incident. Howard congratulated Gary on his win. He said he must have a speech prepared. Gary said he does. He read the speech and thanked a bunch of people on the show, his wife and a bunch of other people.
More F-Emmys! 9/20/96.
Let's get right to the categories:
And the winner was Tiny Tim of course. Tiny accepted his F-Emmy on the phone. Howard brought up the fact that Tiny was the inspiration for the 'Peeing in the diaper' bit that happened recently. Tiny wears disposable diapers because they're more sanitary.
Today's F-Emmys special was over around 10:40am.
Howard was going to perform a song for the F-Emmys but Gary cued up the wrong song. He eventually got it right and Gary performed ''I've Got Big Teeth in the Morning Sun.'' Howard and the guys loved the song.
They went right into Best Celebrity Confession Non-Sexual from 1995. In that clip Howard and Robin discussed the category for the F-Emmy and then played the clips from the nominees which included:
The winner was Tim Allen. Howard had Tim on the line to accept. Howard said Tim is on the set so he can't be there to accept. Tim was on the line to accept. Howard talked to Tim about his TV show and how he's getting close to being in syndication now. Robin said they're already in syndication. Howard said that means he's on easy street. Howard and Tim talked about some other TV shows like Frasier. Howard said he doesn't get it. Tim said it was a nice show to watch on Thursday night. He said once it was up against his show then it wasn't so nice. Howard said he thinks Kelsey Grammer got off easy with his drug problem. Howard said that whole charge against him with the phone sex thing is going to be tough. Howard said he will self destruct. Howard asked who plays his brother on the show. Tim said that's David Hyde Pierce. Howard said he must hate him. Tim said that's not true.
Howard had Tim make his thank-you speech. Tim thanked the people who nominated him. He said he wants to thank his mom who is 98 years old and obviously listens to Howard. Tim also thanked the writers of his show and ABC. Howard said he wants to congratulate Tim on the win. He said he has the award which is a guy bent over with a $10 bill coming out of his ass. Tim said that he'd display that proudly. Howard said he bets he would if he actually had one to give him.
Howard asked Tim if he's worth $100 million. Tim said that he might be worth $150 million at this point. Howard said he was also in The Santa Clause so he must have a picture deal too. Tim said he does. Howard asked if he was surprised that the movie did as well as it did. Tim said it was kind of surprising. He said they did a lot with very little money. Howard said it was a hit though. Tim said they want him to do it again but he figured once was enough. They wrapped up a short time later.
Even More F-Emmy Awards. 10/12/01. 8:15am
After the break Howard gave away the F-Emmy for Worst Guest Moment and the nominees were:
Best Battle of Wits was the next Award up. Here are the nominees:
In the clip Howard had Robin prepare for her big number for the F-Emmys. Howard said he was anxious to hear her. Howard said you can see her breasts through her gown. Robin said that's not true. Howard said it is true. Howard said there are also two midgets holding up her breasts as they do this.
Robin performed her song but had some trouble getting started. She eventually got it but Howard cut her off about halfway through. Howard said he didn't understand the song.
Howard had Fred sing the song that Robin was supposed to perform. Fred did it as Robin. Howard cut him off like he did with Robin.
Howard said they have some songs up for Best Song of the Year. He played the audio of the nominees and the first one up was the Crash Test Dummies. Howard said that was the wrong song though. He said he wanted the parody about Gary's teeth that they did.
Gary got upset that Howard was blaming him for the screw up. Howard said he is the producer of the show. Howard and Gary went back and forth on that subject for a few minutes.
Howard played the song parody that the Crash Test Dummies did. That turned out to be the wrong song as well. Howard said that was Pat Godwin. Howard said that wasn't the Crash Test Dummies. Gary said he can't take responsibility for that. Howard said it wasn't the Crash Test Dummies. Howard said he can't win today. Robin was still blaming Gary for the screw up. Howard said he's giving up on the F-Emmys for today. Gary said he's going to listen to all of the tapes and throw darts at a picture of Robin.
Howard said he should go to the next category which is Best Staff Fight. Howard said he can't get he right song to play so he should move on. Howard said he had some new puppets. He had some of Gary and his family. They had Baba Booey Jr. and some others.
Howard got to the Best Staff Argument category and played the nominees which included:
The winners were Scott and Gary. Howard had them come in to accept their award. Scott and Gary came in and said a few words. Howard said he heard that Scott is smoking again. He had quit a few weeks ago and then got back to it. Howard spent a couple of minutes goofing on Scott about the smoking thing. Howard said they should chop off his feet and hands so he can't smoke. They asked how much he's smoking and Scott said it's not that much. Howard said he goes through at least a pack by noon.
Scott made his speech and then Gary made one as well. They both thanked a few people and did their thing pretty quickly. They went to break a short time later.
More F-Emmy Awards. 09/25/1996. 7:45am
Howard came back from break and gave out a few more F-Emmy awards. Here's the next category:
In the clip Howard played a bunch of examples of Robin not being cured. Howard said he hates this category because it reminds him of how much he hates some of the things Robin does. Howard played a clip of Robin going off on him about something. He played another one where Robin and Howard were arguing about Ross Perot. Then he played one where Robin walked out of the studio after she showed up late to an appearance. Howard had one more clip where Howard gave Robin a birthday gift that she found unacceptable. Howard said Robin really isn't cured. Robin said this deck is stacked.
After playing all of those clips Howard said the winner was Robin walking off the show. Howard had Robin make her acceptance speech. Howard said she should walk off the show now. Robin said she doesn't think she's won an F-Emmy for years. Howard said this is the first year they thought she was capable of winning one. Robin gave her speech and thanked a bunch of people. They went to break after that.
In the clip Howard was talking about the F-Emmy award show and said hello to some people in the crowd. Billy West was doing the Jackie Puppet voice as Howard was talking to him.
Howard said hello to some other celebrities in the crowd and Billy was doing impressions of those people. He did voices for Kathy Moriarty, Ed McMahon, Grandpa Al, Larry Fine, Jay Leno, Ren and Stimpy and more.
After that Howard went into the Best Pat Cooper Moment award. Howard said that Pat is mad at him but they're going to do this anyway. Howard played the nominees which were a few of Pat's great moments from the show. The first clip was Pat going off on Howard saying that he has to be in A-company. The second clip was Pat talking about how Sam Kinison was ''on medication'' over and over again. Howard said that was a great one too. He played the third moment where Pat was talking about defending his dignity and why Howard won't let him do that.
Howard said the winner is Pat Cooper and it was the number 2 clip. Howard said he has Pat on the phone actually. Howard said Pat had to call in to accept this. Howard asked if that is really him. Pat said it is and he's in a monastery and he has changed his ways. Pat said he wasn't mad at Howard. He said he was mad at Miss Quivers. He said the reason is that he doesn't mind when they put him down and it's the truth. He said it offends him when they don't tell the truth and put him down. Pat told Robin to get off her horse. He told her that he was angry about one specific thing. He said he thought he was a good friend of the show but people told Howard that he put the show down and he believed those people. Pat said he just wanted to be on radio and do a good show. He said he just wants to be a friend. Pat said it's the strangers putting his friend down that hurts him.
Robin said she's sorry if she offended him. She said that Pat refused to talk to her while all of that was going on. She said she tried to call him to invite him to the birthday party show. Pat said no one called him. Robin told Gary to come in and back her up on this. Pat said Gary did call him. He said Robin did not call. Robin said Gary said he thought Pat was going to do the show so she asked if she should talk to him and Gary said no. Pat said Robin should have called.
Howard said they love having him on the show but there may be a special protocol that they don't know about that Pat expects them to live up to. Pat said that's not true. Pat said all he knows is that people were telling Howard that he was bad mouthing him and that's just not true. Howard said he thought Pat was digging it when they did that the first time. Pat said he did the first time. He said when it keeps going he doesn't like it. Howard said they can't tell where the line is with him.
Howard and Pat went back and forth arguing about who likes who and who treats who better. Howard said he never asked Pat to stop doing Imus' show. Pat said he just wants to be on the air doing good radio. Howard said he was there for Pat over the years. Pat said he was there for Howard too. Howard said he's right and they're both there for each other.
Howard said Pat overreacted. Pat said he did. Howard said he didn't get angry at him over that. Howard said when Pat has something good going on then you stick with it. Howard asked Pat if he's in the business of being funny. Pat said of course he is. Howard said he doesn't think he knows why he's funny though. Howard asked if they're back together or not. Pat said he's just the same guy. He said it's a terrible thing that he has to blow his stack. Howard asked if he wants to come in tomorrow. They went back and forth about that for a short time.
Howard asked Pat to make his acceptance speech. Pat said this could make the press so he's happy to accept the award. Howard said he can wait a few days if he doesn't want to come in. Pat said he should go to Howard first. He said Howard needs a rebirth. Howard said he was there for Pat. Pat said he was there for Howard, not the other way around.
Pat threw out a comment about how Jackie never calls him. He said he understands why Fred never calls because he goes into a coma back there. Fred said he never insults Pat so he's wondering why he's doing that to him. Pat said he didn't mean anything by it. He said he wasn't insulting him.
Howard said people there don't know how to handle Pat. Pat said he's not tough to handle. He said he knows he can get out of control at times. Howard had Gary set him up for an appearance. Pat told him not to back him into a corner with this. Howard told Gary to give him A-time not B-time or C-time. Gary said that he usually has him come in to do the news but he wants to give him the best time slot he can and have him come in at 7:30am. Pat said that's fine. Howard said he'd rather have him at 8:30 so he can be there for the news.
Howard said they can shake on it when he comes in. Pat said they won't shake, they'll hug. Howard said they should bring in the guys who told them that Pat was bad mouthing him. Howard said maybe they shouldn't do that. That led to Billy doing his impression of Pat for a few seconds before they went to break.
More F-Emmy Awards And Other Stuff. 10/23/02. 8:20am
Robin performed a song called ''Ham Hands'' to some bad country music. After hearing that Adam (Carolla) said he wanted to sing a song about his enormous scrotum.
''Best Musical Performance'' F-Emmy Goes To... 11/12/03. 9:30am
Howard returned from break and said he had one last F-Emmy before the news. He had the ''Best Musical Performance'' category. He had the Foo Fighters performing ''Times Like These,'' Darryl Worley's ''Have You Forgotten?'' Staind's performing ''Outside,'' the Counting Crows performing ''Long December,'' AC/DC (with Artie) performing ''You Shook Me All Night Long'' and finally, Carley Simon and Jeff the Drunk performing ''Mocking Bird.''
Howard said that Staind is going to be coming in soon to be the House Band for the day. He said they're also going to do a Karaoke thing with the band and Howard and the guys are going to be performing some songs. He was also impressed with the sound quality of some of the bands especially considering the quality of the equipment they have there in the studio. He said that Staind won two years in a row before today. Today it was Adam Duritz taking the win for his performance of ''Long December.'' Adam sounded very excited about his win. He thanked everyone possible when he gave his speech. Howard said it took him a long time to get Adam to do the show. He finally came on and won the F-Emmy Award for that. Adam said they have a new Best Of album coming out around Thanksgiving. Howard told him to come in and promote it around that time. Howard went on to ask Adam if he'd ever banged Shannen Doherty because she was claiming that she hadn't done him. Adam said he never did so she was right. Howard and Adam spent a couple more minutes talking about stuff. Adam said he's living in New York now and he's feeling like a native New Yorker now even though he grew up in the San Francisco area. Howard said that Adam will be coming in soon to perform for them. He got off the line a short time later.
The Final F-Emmy For ''Best F***ing With A Guest'' Plus Nick DiPaolo Sits In. 11/18/03. 9:15am
After the break Howard had one last F-Emmy Award to give away. He joked about some people who were in the (non-existent) audience. He had comedian Nick DiPaolo come up on stage. Nick was really there unlike the other people Howard was talking about. KC came in and told Howard that Nick was in the bathroom so that's why he was a little slow getting into the studio. Howard had no idea what was going on so he started to get pissed that he wasn't coming in. After KC told him what was going on he moved on to the F-Emmy for ''Best F***ing With A Guest.'' The first nominee was Gilbert Gottfried having Abe Hirschfeld repeat a joke a bunch of times. Next up was Stuttering John trying to get Anna Nicole Smith on the studio scale to weigh her. Howard screwing with Bernie Koeppel by using questions from a Pearl Jam interview. Nick DiPaolo showed up and said he was sitting on the toilet while Howard was calling him in. Howard quickly opened the envelope for the F-Emmy Award and found that Abe Hirschfeld was the winner.
Abe Hirschfeld was on the line to accept his award. Howard dicked him around a little bit more. He had him repeating his acceptance speech just like Gilbert did to him. He had him repeating his bad jokes as well but he was getting sick of it so he was going to stop him. He decided to have him change the wording in his joke about President Clinton. He asked him to change the word penis to ''ramalamadingdong.'' Abe went on to tell the horrible joke changing the word. Howard kept interrupting him and had him start over a few times. He asked him to change the President Clinton reference to Nick DiPaolo but he refused to do that for some reason. Abe told another bad joke but Howard cut him off and got off the phone with him.
In the clip Howard had King of All Blacks and Celeste in to talk about some things after he gave out the award. Howard was going to run down the list of nominees for the Most revealing Celebrity Story. Howard was distracted by the smell of something on one of the guests. It turned out to be King of All Blacks.
Howard ran down the list of nominees which included
The winner was Robin Gibb so Howard had him on the phone from Miami. Howard had him make his acceptance speech. Robin said he's looking forward to having this in his living room to stare at every day. Robin (Quivers) asked what happened to him when he left the show last time. Robin said it was good. He said she was a little angry at him but he bought her a Jaguar and she was fine.
Howard asked Robin if his wife is there now. He said she's not, she's out with her girlfriend. Robin told Howard that he still has the girl living with them. King of All Blacks said he must get jealous of the other girl. Robin said he doesn't. Howard spent a little more time with Robin before wrapping up and going to break.
In the clip Howard had Gary repeating after him and then played the nominated clips. The first one was Gary's ''Baba Booey'' screw up. He had another one where Gary screwed up and Howard and the guys goofed on him. Howard also had some Baba Booey phony phone calls they made to Gary as one of the nominees.
Howard said this stuff never gets old. Gary gave his speech and said he has to thank Howard for making him what he is.
In the clip Howard played the nominees for this category. The nominees were:
David Brenner was the winner. Howard had David on the phone to accept his award. It turned out to be Fred doing his Brenner impression calling in from the office.
In the clip Howard had Robin getting ready to do her song for the F-Emmys. Howard talked to some of the people in the audience. Then he had Robin perform her song ''I'm Cured'' to the tune of ''Born Free.''
Howard said he has a big award to give out now. He said it's the Best John vs. Ralph Fight category. Howard said that John is jealous of Ralph or something. Robin said John does seem to be playing up to Howard more than he used to. Robin said she thinks he is jealous. Howard said John tries to dress cool like Ralph but won't admit to it. Howard said there's a whole thing going on.
Howard played the first argument between John and Ralph. They were arguing about a practical joke that had been played. John ended up calling Ralph names and Ralph came back at him arguing with him. The next fight clip was John and Ralph arguing about the football party. Then there was one where John woke Ralph up from a nap and Ralph threw a sneaker at John.
Howard said John and Ralph both won. He said that John and Ralph are both coming in to accept the award. John said that was great stuff. Howard asked if they're getting along better now. Ralph said he hates arguing with him and he's done with it. He said he actually likes John when he's not arguing with him. He said they hang out and have fun but then they get into it on the air. He said he's trying not to get caught up in that anymore. John said he'd like to thank Ralph's priest for screwing him up. Ralph gave a thank you speech after that. Howard congratulated the two of them and wrapped up.
''Best Prank Call'' F-Emmy Award. 11/12/03. 7:35am
Howard quickly got back to the F-Emmy Awards and got to the ''Best Prank Call'' award. First up was Kidd Chris for his prank call to George Takei. Howard played that clip and then moved on to the next nominee which was Benjy calling old Hazel as President Bill Clinton. He ends up having phone sex with the woman. Next up was some Arnold Schwarzenegger sound board calls to an Asian woman. This is where someone uses tape of Arnold's voice to carry on a conversation with a woman for a couple of minutes. Next up was Kidd Chris and Reverend Bob Levy calling Gary the Retard as a couple of DJs who have a contest to win a trip to Las Vegas. Finally they had The Touch Tone Terrorists yanking a guy around about an order he wanted to cancel.
Howard opened the envelope and said that the winner was the Benjy phone call that Benjy made to Hazel. Hazel was on the phone to accept her award. She said that she still talks to Mr. Clinton once in a while. Howard told her that President Clinton was there to present her award to her. She asked where he was and when he was going to come and visit her. Benjy, as Clinton, asked her what she was wearing and if she was ''fresh.'' Benjy asked her if she has washed her privates lately. She said she just came out of the shower. Benjy said that he'd like to crawl up her leg, lay his head down next to her and smell her. Howard said he's never heard anything like that before. He asked Hazel if she discusses these conversations with anyone else. She told him that she keeps it between her and God. Howard told Hazel that she won the prize and a prize of a watch from Steven Singer Jewelers in Philadelphia. A short time later a guy called in as Hilary Clinton. He asked Hazel how she could do such a thing to her and asked her to stop. Hazel said she's still going to talk to ''The President'' when he calls though. Howard let her give an acceptance speech and got off the line with her.
Today's FME Awards. 10/17/02. 7:15am
All this week Howard is giving away FME Awards. He had a few categories to get to today. Howard started off today's FME Awards with Gary doing a musical number to Green Day's ''Good Riddance (Time of Your Life).'' He sings about his job and his life at home with the wife and kids in the song.
After the song Howard got to the latest category which was ''Most Embarrassing Staff Admission.'' Here are the nominees:
Tom Chiusano came in and said that Chaunce is a liar and he never called him about starting a magazine like he said earlier. Chaunce called back and said he couldn't believe Tom was saying that and continued to say that he was telling the truth. Tom ended up walking out of the studio a minute later because he didn't want to argue with Chaunce.
The 33rd Annual F-Emmy Awards Begin. 11/15/04. 7:25am
Howard started the big F-Emmy Awards after that. Fred played an introduction for the 33rd Annual F-Emmy Awards. Howard then played the ''We Are The Wack Pack'' song parody that they put together recently to open up the award show. It features people like Wendy the Retard, High Pitch Erik, Jeff the Drunk, Daniel Carver, Fred the Elephant Boy, Nicole Bass and Beetlejuice singing a parody to the tune of ''We are the World.''
Flip Wilson Awarded F-Emmy For ''Wackiest Celebrity Moment''. 10/3/97. 8:50am
The F-Emmy for ''Wackiest Celebrity Moment'' was awarded to Flip Wilson for his showing of the penis episode. Here were the nominees:
The F-Emmys Begin. 9/21/99. 7:05am
The annual awards show ''The F-Emmys''(or FM'y) that Howard puts on started this morning. This is where they pull clips of the show and put them into categories. Howard plays the clips and gives away the award to the winner. The first category was ''Evidence that Robin Is Cured'' turned out to be a surprise. Gary is in charge of pulling the clips and he made a mess with this one. It was supposed to show that Robin is still kind of crazy when she goes off on people for no good reason. The first clip was a good one where she yelled about playing basketball against Dominic Barbara. The next two clips were just her telling Howard how good he was in ''Private Parts'' and explaining how she rented a video tape to learn some oral sex techniques. In the last two clips she didn't go nuts. Howard went nuts and told Robin that he was going to give the F-Emmy to Gary because it showed that he's incompetent to do the F-Emmys. The next category was ''Best Argument Between Gary and Howard.'' Howard had 4 clips where Gary yelled at Howard or vice versa. Of course Gary won again, picking up his second F-Emmy of the morning. Howard saved his opening monolog for later in the show.
Today's The F-Emmys was over around 10:40am.
That led into a segment from 2002 when Howard gave out the Best Staff Argument F-Emmy. Here's my rundown from 2002:
Jon Stewart Comes In. 10/15/02. 8:15am
Howard had another FME award to give away and this category was ''Best Staff Argument.'' Jon stuck around to open the envelope. Howard played clips of the nominees which included:
Howard spent a little more time talking to Jon before taking another break. He goofed on Jon and his relationship with his father for a short time. Earlier in the interview Jon was talking about how he hasn't really kept in touch with his father much lately. Howard pretended to be Jon's father calling in and told some fake stories about what he and Jon did together years ago. Jon was laughing quite a bit during the phony call. He seemed to enjoy the goofing around. Howard wrapped up the interview and gave Jon a couple more plugs for the stand-up gigs and then took a break.
More F-Emmys. 9/21/99. 7:45am
''Best Celebrity Fight'' was the next category. Here are the nominees:
In the clip Howard was asking Gary for the tapes for the F-Emmys. Gary said he thought he was doing a song first. Howard moved on to the clips and played the nominees which included:
Howard said the winner was Stuttering John. Howard had John come in to accept his award. John had a speech written for his win. John said he wasn't confident until he heard it. John thanked a bunch of people and Howard had to remind him to thank his girlfriend. John did that and thanked Fred as well.
The F-Emmy Awards Day Two. 10/11/01. 6:40am
Howard had more F-Emmy Awards to give out this morning. He started off with the Best Celebrity Street Interview category. Here are the nominees:
''Best Farting Moment'' F-Emmy Accepted By William Shatner. 11/18/04. 8:45am
Howard had more F-Emmy awards to give away after the break. He had Fred the Elephant Boy attempting to sing ''We Didn't Start the Fire'' as a goof before getting to the next category. Most of the words in the song were unintelligible of course. Howard then had a pre-taped intro from Fred the Elephant Boy and Jeff the Drunk that he played. The category that he was doing was for ''Best Farting Moment'' and the nominees were:
In the clip Howard got right to it and played the tapes of the nominees. The nominees were:
The winner was Ed Asner. Howard had Ed on the phone to accept. Mr. Asner thanked ''Batman'' and Robin for the award. Howard said it was nice to have him on the phone in better times. Ed said he would like to thank his peers if he has any. Howard said Ed was the only one who was wiling to accept his award so that's why he won.
Asner also told Howard about the trial of this man that they had spoken about in the last call. Asner said that the trial is coming up soon so they should know the outcome soon.
Howard asked Asner about the Emmy awards he's won and what he odes with those. Ed said he keeps them on his mantle. All 7 of them. Howard congratulated him on his win and said he hopes that he wins more in the future. Ed thanked Howard again for the award. He was trying to say something but Gilbert Gottfried was interrupting so Ed told Howard to shut that guy up. Howard asked if he's familiar with Gilbert's work. Ed said he heard him a minute ago and that was more than enough for him.
Howard talked to Ed about seeing Mary Tyler Moore at some event and while they were talking about that Gilbert interrupted again making jokes. Howard figured it was time to wrap up with Mr. Asner so he let him go.
More FME Awards. 10/16/02. 6:35am
Howard came back from break and made a few more jokes about the ''audience'' before getting to the next category. Howard had a ''Lifetime Achievement Award'' to give out. He said that ''Evil'' Dave Letterman was getting the award. Howard had a clip of Dave doing his ''Anal Top 10 List'' of things he yells out when he's getting anal sex. He also had some clips of Dave screwing up some of his jokes by mispronouncing names like Anna Kournikova and P. Diddy. He called them Anna Korkova and P. Diddley. There were a few other lines that he screwed up so Howard played those. Dave gave a lame acceptance speech and told some dopey jokes before Howard wrapped up the award.
The 2003 Howard Stern F-Emmy Awards Begin. 11/12/03. 7:05am
Howard got right into the F-Emmy Awards and said that the first nominees for ''Most Embarrassing Disclosure By A Stern Show Member'' were Stuttering John and Gary for revealing their sexually transmitted diseases. Howard played tape of John and Gary talking about their crabs and other things just a couple of months ago. The next nominee was KC Armstrong who revealed that he had modeled for a gay German guy in his underwear. Howard played tape of that bit and then moved on to the next nominee. Artie revealed that he had stretch marks and wore makeup to cover them up one time when he was on the beach. They listened to that and then played another one from KC where he talked about his fantasies about killing his family members. The final nominee in this category was Gary who revealed that he stepped in his own doody and tracked it all over the house. Howard said they were 5 incredibly strong nominees. He opened the envelope and saw that KC's revelations about his fantasies about killing his family was the winner. KC came in carrying his award. He thanked the fans, his family and some other people. Howard spent a short time asking KC about those odd fantasies and if he still has those fantasies. He said they're really not fantasies, they're just thoughts that he understands and thinks about. KC went on to thank a few more people except for God. He said he wasn't thanking him because God hates us all.
''Best Staff Fight'' F-Emmy Award. 11/17/2003. 7:55am
Howard got back to the F-Emmy awards and said they were going to give away the F-Emmy for ''Best Staff Fight.'' Howard joked around about the audience members he was seeing there at the awards show. He joked that Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears and Madonna were all sitting on each other while Madonna's daughter watched. He soon moved on to the nominees for ''Best Staff Fight.''
First up was Gary vs. Howard over a news article that Gary gave Howard. Next up was Howard vs. Robin over the outcome of the Nearlywed Game. The third nominee was Howard vs. Fred. Howard got pissed at Fred when he didn't tell him he had a tape he was waiting for. After playing that tape Howard said that was a typical Fred thing to do because he never volunteers information. He said Fred drives him crazy with that stuff. They brought up this time that Benjy was late and Fred never told him about that.
Artie eventually told Howard about it but that was only after Ronnie told him. Howard got back to the next nominee which was Howard vs. John over the fact that John took an extra week off to do ''I'm a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here!'' Howard ended up getting upset about that whole thing again as well. He said John was only supposed to take 2 weeks off but ended up being out for 3 weeks.
Howard played the next nominees which were Robin vs. John over the Heineken trip to Amsterdam. Robin was nominated again after that. It was Robin vs. Gary over how Gary doesn't wait for his turn to talk to Howard during commercial breaks. The final nominee was Stuttering John vs. Chuck Roast (program director) after John was fired on the air.
Howard opened the envelope and found the winner was Stuttering John vs. Chuck Roast. Howard asked where Chuck Roast was because he doesn't usually get in that early. Howard asked John what the ''silver lining'' was that Chuck mentioned during that argument. John said he's still getting paid until the end of the year. John got in a couple of plugs for some comedy shows he's doing in the next couple of weeks. He thanked the owners of Zanies in Vernon Hills where he'll be appearing this weekend. (Check StutteringJohn.com for more show dates.)
Today's FME Awards. 10/17/02. 7:15am
After taking another break comedian Dave Chappelle came in to hang out. Howard gave him a couple of plugs for his upcoming comedy gig with Jim Bruer and Robert Schimmel. Howard then gave away another FME. The next category was ''Best Celebrity Bashing Of Another Celebrity.'' The nominees were:
Howard read some e-mail they've gotten about the show lately. He said they've gotten a lot of e-mail about ''Evil'' Dave Letterman and the audience seems to be split on whether they love him or hate him. Howard also got some e-mail about High Pitch Erik and how he shouldn't have him on anymore. He also got some about the E! show with Jeff ''The Drunk'' Curro. The E! people had to slip in a public domain song over the music they used when Jeff sang a song to Tabitha Stevens and they thought that was pretty lame. Howard went through a few other e-mails and took a couple of phone calls before taking another break. One caller told Howard about this woman who was getting alimony checks from her ex-husband that always had brown spots on it. It turned out to be fecal matter so the woman tried to sue her ex over it. The judge ruled that it was still legal tender so she couldn't sue over him not paying her even though there was crap on it.
More F-Emmy Awards. 09/25/1996. 7:45am
Howard then moved on to the next category:
Henry Hill Gets An F-Emmy. 09/25/1996. 8:20am
Howard came back from break and gave out the next F-Emmy award to Henry Hill. Here are the phone calls he was nominated for:
Howard asked Henry how many people he figures he whacked. Henry claims he didn't whack any. He said he was there when some people were killed but he never killed anyone himself. Howard said his laugh is very scary and he can't imagine being there as they're about to whack someone. Howard said it must be really freaky when they kill someone who they really weren't supposed to. Henry said that happened a few times.
Howard asked what the best way to kill someone is. Henry said that an ice pick to the back of the skull is the easiest and cleanest way to whack someone. He said it doesn't screw the windshield up and it's pretty clean. He said it's pretty instantaneous when you do it too. Henry told Howard that the F-Emmy was very nice but Howard got right back to the ice pick discussion. Henry was saying that some guys will try to knock the windshield out with their feet when they're getting whacked. Howard asked him if they leave the ice pick in the guy's head. Henry said you do that and you wear latex gloves so your finger prints don't get on the pick.
Howard told Henry to give his acceptance speech after that. He didn't get a chance to because Howard was asking him about the best way to kill a guy. Henry said that the ice pick is the best but a 22 to the back of the head, right behind the ear is another way. He described that procedure to Howard and gave him the details. Howard asked him to make that acceptance speech again so Henry thanked a few people for helping out with various things. Henry also said he's got a few projects in the works and they could possibly be better than ''Goodfellas.''
Howard asked Henry to demonstrate his ice pick move with the guys who were there. Henry demonstrated how he would do it with a friend of his who was there in the room with him. Howard let him go a short time later. Robin asked how they became friends with him, they have the weirdest friends. Howard said he's not sure how that happened. He said it would be funny if he took that F-Emmy and beat some guy over the head with it.
In the clip Howard did an opening monologue for the F-Emmys and made a bunch of jokes about the other radio stations in New York City. He got to the next category which was Worst Singing Performance. The nominees were:
The winner was Steve Rossi. Howard had Steve on the phone to accept. Steve said he feels so good about this. He said he's getting younger and younger. Steve said he has to thank Howard and Robin and the fans. He said he's deeply honored. He said he's gotten 40 or 50 other awards in the past couple of weeks.
Howard said Steve sure knows how to break up the F-Emmys. He said they were on a roll before he won. Howard wrapped up with Steve and let him go a short time later.
More F-Emmy Awards And Other Stuff. 10/23/02. 8:20am
Howard moved on to the F-Emmy Awards and said the next category was ''Most Embarrassing Celebrity Reaction To September 11th.'' Here are the nominees:
In the clip Howard played clips for the nominees for the Best Fight F-Emmy. The nominees were:
The winner was Howard's sister Ellen. Howard tried to get Ellen on the phone to accept her award. He got a busy signal when he called. Howard said he told her last night to be prepared for the call. He said this is the last favor he asks her for.
Howard went off on Gary for screwing up the audio clips. He said he didn't edit them very well. Howard said Gary is ruining the F-Emmys. Gary came in and said that the real Emmys have weeks and weeks of production. Howard said he wanted to know why he'd have the audio of him talking when his sister was the one who yelled at him. Gary said he wasn't able to find that part. He said he had limited time. Howard said Gary really did ruin it. Howard told Gary to get out of there.
Howard had his mom, Ray, on the phone. She was upset that she didn't win the award. Ray said she wants to win because she felt she was outstanding. Ray said she meets people and when they find out she's his mother they can't believe she's on the air and does such a good job. Howard said he may have opened the wrong envelope. He opened another and said that she actually won. Howard said it has nothing to do with the busy signal.
Howard talked to his mother for a few more minutes. He said he has to threaten to send her to an old age home to keep her in line. Howard had her make her speech. Ray kept it short. Howard said that no one has thanked God in their speech. Howard let Ray go a short time later.
Ellen was on the phone a short time later. She said she had a problem with her phone. Howard said he needed a winner so he had to pick his mom. Howard said he might have another one and he opened an envelope and said that it was actually a tie. Howard had her make an acceptance speech. Ellen sadi a few words thanking her brother, her husband and kids and others.
In the clip Howard played clips of each of the nominees. They included:
The winner was Fred the Elephnat Boy. HOward had Fred on the phone to accpept his award. Howard had Fred make his acceptance speech. Howard had a hard time understanding what he was saying. Fred sadi that this is going to be a big year for him. Howard said he has no idea hwat he just said. Jackie said he just locked up next year's award with that speech. HOward congratulated Fred on his win and let him go a short time later.
F-Emmy Award For ''Best Celebrity Street Interview.'' 11/18/03. 8:25am
Howard got back to the F-Emmy Awards after the Paris Hilton voice mail thing. He said that Britney Spears got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He said that Lassie and Snow White also have stars. He said they'd rather give them stars instead of him for some reason. Howard moved on to the F-Emmy Awards and said that all of the nominees for the next category, ''Best Celebrity Street Interview,'' were interviewed by Gary Garver from Los Angeles. Howard played clips from each of the interviews including celebrities like George Takei, James Garner, Kelsey Grammer, Matthew Perry and Mickey Rooney. While playing the George Takei tape, Howard and the guys were all laughing because he makes such a great interview.
Howard opened the envelope and found that Mickey Rooney was the winner. He had Mickey on the line to accept the award. Mickey was calling in from the airport out in California. Howard told Mickey that he'd just won an award for the interview but he had no idea what Howard was talking about. Mickey thanked Howard for the award anyway. Mickey said he didn't know what he was being awarded but he was honored anyway. He said he's also getting a star on Hollywood Blvd. next April as well. It'll be his fourth. Howard asked him if he's upset that he doesn't have even one star there. Mickey said he's upset about that but didn't sound very sincere. Howard and Mickey talked about the other awards that he's gotten. He got a gold star when he was in World War II. He also told Howard that he backs up whatever our President does in Iraq these days. Mickey said he had to run to the plane a short time after that so Howard let him go a short time later. Howard said he wanted to ask him if he got to bang any German whores when he was serving in WWII.
Howard said he'd love to sit down and interview Mickey about all of the chicks he banged. He said he's a little tiny guy who has banged more chicks in Hollywood... Artie told Howard that Scott Baio might have just as an impressive list of women though. Robin said that Mickey had the top stars of his day though so he might have a better list.
Today's The F-Emmys show was over aroudn 10:40am.
The 2001 F-Emmy Awards Begin. 10/10/01. 6:30am
Howard started off this year's F-Emmys talking about the award they'll be giving to each winner. It's a bronzed replica of Howard's nose. Howard and the crew then performed a song parody to the tune of ''Because I Got High'' about the show. Each person took a turn singing a couple of lines about their job on the show.
Best Wack Pack Fight was the first category. Howard played clips of each nominee and then announced the winner. Here are the nominees:
F-Emmy Award For ''Best Celebrity Revelation.'' 11/18/03. 7:10am
Howard said the first category today was ''Best Celebrity Revelation'' and the nominees included Colin Quinn talking about how he let a cat lick peanut butter off his genitals. Fred Durst talking about banging Britney Spears. Colin Quinn talking about his priest spooning him and touching him. The final nominee was Jeremy Shockey saying that he won't play football with gay guys.
Colin Quinn talking about the priest was the winner. Colin was on the phone to accept his award. He said this is the first award he's won. Howard asked Colin if he's still married. He told him that he's still married but not together with the wife. He was only married a couple of months when his wife caught him instant messaging a woman. He said he's not cheating with anyone at this point even though he's not with his wife. Robin said that only one other guy was worse than that. She said Corben Bernsen was worse because he cheated on his wife on his honeymoon.
Howard asked Colin if he was with the other woman the whole time he was with the woman he married. Colin said he was with other women but not that particular one. He was never faithful at all. Howard asked him if he's banging anyone now. He said he's like a monk and he's not with anyone. He said he's not with the woman he was instant messaging. He said they're settling the divorce on their own since they were only married a couple of months. He said he can't make up with her because he can't swear that he won't do that to her again some day. Howard told him that he should just tell her that he just needs to bang some other chicks once in a while. He said he tried that but it didn't work.
Colin said he doesn't know if his wife is seeing anyone at this point. Howard told him this means he shouldn't get married again but Colin didn't seem to agree with that. Howard let him make his acceptance speech a short time later. Colin made a quick speech thanking people for everything. A listener called in and said he saw Colin in a new movie and he was with some hot chick. Colin said that might be his wife but he didn't seem to know for sure. Colin got off the line a few seconds after that.
The F-Emmy's just keep on coming... 9/24/96.
Here are today's F-Emmy nominees and winners:
Howard Presents The F-Emmy For ''Best Celebrity Revelation: Female.'' 11/13/03. 7:20am
After the break Howard reminded everyone that the Wheel of Benjy episode was going to be on tonight. He then moved on to the next F-Emmy category. ''Best Celebrity Revelation: Female.'' The nominees included Courtney Love talking about using her hand on Ted Nugent when she was only 14 years old. Lisa Marie Presley admitted she had lesbian sex at some point in her life. The third nominee was Rebecca Romijn-Stamos talking about her colonics. Courtney Love was up for a second nomination for her revelation about her dog eating a silicone breast implant and dying. The final nominee was Sandra Bernhard who revealed that she had kinky sex with Jay Leno. After playing clips from all of those interviews, Howard opened the envelope and revealed the winner. The winner was Sandra Bernhard for revealing that she had sex with Jay.
Sandra was on the phone to accept her award. Sandra said that Courtney's stories were pretty good. Howard and Sandra talked about Courtney for a couple of minutes. Sandra said she has hung out with Courtney before and she's kind of tough to take because she's all over the place. Howard told Sandra that he couldn't believe that Jay was ''big'' in the pants. She said she thinks he's probably shrunk over the years but he was definitely over 8 inches back when she was with him. Howard asked her if it was big like Tommy Lee. She said she never saw that tape but is looking forward to seeing the Paris Hilton tape. Howard told her how great that tape was.
Sandra told Howard that Jay gave her a call after her discussion with Howard but he hasn't had her on the show since then. Howard thought she had been on but he was mistaken. Howard said he still can't believe that Jay is big. He said he's not doing anything with it and wondered why he doesn't have one that big. Howard talked about how small he is. Robin asked if it's as small as Benjy's since she just saw his yesterday. Howard said it is about that size. Sandra said that she was a little scared when she saw Jay's penis because it was so big.
Sandra and Howard talked for a short time after that. Sandra told Howard that she's going to be at this Joe's Pub this weekend and wanted him to come see her perform. Howard said he'd like to see her but he's all booked up. She invited him to come next weekend. He said if he does come, he's going to jump up on stage and tie her up. He said he'll play the part of Jay Leno. She told him to come on over and do that, it would be brilliant. Howard congratulated Sandra on her F-Emmy win and wrapped up the phone call.
More F-Emmy's! 9/20/96.
Let's get right to the categories:
The winner was Mike the listener who called in and really pissed of Fred by bringing up the fight that he and his wife had while at the Rainbow Room with Jackie and his wife. The guy came into the studio to accept his award. Fred once said that he'd kill the guy if he ever saw him in person. Well there was no killing this morning but Fred is still pissed at the guy. We also found out that Fred hasn't worn his wedding ring since the filming of Private Parts started!
In the clip Howard was starting the F-Emmys and talking about who was in the audience and things like that. Howard then moved on to the ''Tiny Tim's Wildest Statement'' F-Emmy. Howard played the nominees which included:
The winner was Tiny Tim for his statement about the Depends adult diapers. Howard had Tiny Tim on the phone to accept. Howard asked if this was his first. Tiny said that it was. He said two weeks ago he bought Depends Fitted Briefs and they make a terrible type of patch. He said he wishes that they'd use the Huggies type of attachment. Robin asked why he knows so much about Huggies. Tiny said that they work well for kids and that's what they should make for adults. Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Tiny about the Depends and what he's looking for in adult diapers.
Robin asked Tiny about his impotence problem. Tiny said it's very bad actually. He told Howard and Robin about his sex life and how it's been lately. Howard said this reminds him of the movie ''Awakenings.'' Howard told Tiny that he's happy that he's settled down and he's happy now. Tiny told Howard that he has his own room and his wife has her own room. Howard said there's nothing wrong with that. Howard wrapped up with Tiny a short time later.
Howard Gives Out Some F-Emmy Awards. 09/25/1996. 7:10am
After the break Howard got back to the F-Emmy awards and got right to the first category. Below is the category and the nominees. Howard played clips of each one...
More F-Emmy Awards. 10/13/99. 8:00am
The next category was ''Best Staff Argument Without Howard Stern.'' And the nominees were:
After the song Howard had Best Stutter of the Year which included these nominees:
The winner was Stuttering Vic. Howard had Vic make a speech about his win. Vic said he's very happy. John congratulated him on his win. Vic asked if he can get more air time now. Vic said his mind was completely blank so he didn't know what to say. John thanked the academy for even putting him in it. Howard said next year he probably won't even be in it.
More F-Emmys. 9/21/99. 7:45am
Howard came back after a commercial break to announce some more F-Emmy awards. The next category was ''Most Shocking Celebrity Story'' and the nominees included:
In the clip Howard had the nominees for the category but all of them were Gary. Here are the nominees:
Gary won for his story about his aunt walking in on him. Howard had Gary give his acceptance speech. Gary did that quickly.
One Last F-Emmy. 10/13/99. 9:45am
Howard had one last F-Emmy to give away this morning. The category was ''Wackiest Celebrity Moment.'' The nominees included:
In the clip Howard got to the category and played tapes of each of the nominees. Here are the nominees:
The winner was Gina. Howard had Gina on the phone to accept her award. Gina gave her acceptance speech and told Howard that she had been working out. Howard asked her more about that and spent a little bit of time going over that with her. Gina gave her speech and thanked a few people.
The F-Emmy Awards Continue. 11/16/04. 6:40am
Howard moved on to the F-Emmy Awards that started yesterday. He had an intro from Jeff the Drunk and Wendy the Retard where they sang about Howard's show to the tune of the ''All in the Family'' theme song. Howard then had tape of Elephant Boy and High Pitch Erik handing it off to him after talking to each other for a few seconds. Howard said the first category today was ''Best Staff Fight'' so here are the nominees:
Gilbert Gottfried, F-Emmy Awards, Breast Exams And Daryl Hannah. 10/17/01. 8:05am
Comedian Gilbert Gottfried came in this morning to hang out for a while. Howard spoke to Gilbert for a couple of minutes about how much of a social misfit he is. Gilbert finally came out and said something about the September 11th tragedy. He said he agrees with Howard that we should go and ''kill some people.'' He also made a really bad joke about taking a flight out to California. He said he wasn't able to get a direct flight out there, they have to make a stop at the Empire State Building. Ouch!
Howard had other business to take care of while Gilbert was in. He had another F-Emmy Award to give away. This category was Most Unintelligible Guest. The nominees were:
The F-Emmy Awards Day Two. 10/11/01. 6:40am
The next F-Emmy category was Best Band Performance: Female. The nominees were:
In the clip Howard played clips for each of the nominees which included:
The winner was Melody Patterson. Howard had Melissa Gilbert on the phone to accept for Melody. Melissa and Howard spent a few minutes talking before Melissa gave an acceptance speech on behalf of Melody Patterson.
The winner was Malika Kinison. Howard had her on the phone to accept the award. Howard picked up but it was Sam who was on the line. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Sam about the win since he's never won before. Sam said he hopes it's a sign of the future. He said he wants to be there when Howard wins his Grammy for ''Crucified by the FCC.'' Howard told Sam that they were trying to disqualify them for not having national distribution. Howard said that they do though so they couldn't disqualify them.
Sam put Malika on the line so she could give a speech. Howard talked to her for a short time and asked if she'll be jumping into the sack with any women soon. Malika said Howard is something else with that. Howard wrapped up with them a short time later and let them go.
In the clip Howard said that sometimes people get into trouble on the show and they have to explain themselves. He said it can get convoluted. Howard played the audio for the nominees which included the following:
The winner was Flavor Flav. Howard said Flav wasn't available to accept so he thought about getting someone from the street to come up and accept. Gary said they were going to do that but he thought they were going to do a different category first. Gary said they didn't have time. Robin said that this excuse might win next year. Howard said they could just send John down there to get someone. Gary said he thought they were going to do them much quicker. Howard didn't know what he was talking about. Gary said he thought they were going to give away Song of the Year so he had the winner on the phone for that. Howard said he could just send John out to get someone from the street. Howard said he's shocked by Gary every day. He said he knows Gary is intelligent. Gary said he thought he was going to yell at him. Howard made Gary repeat after him. He had him saying things like ''My paycheck should be marked as 'Gift'...'' They wrapped up a short time later.
Today's The F-Emmys was over around 10:40am.
F-Emmy (FME) Award For Best Phony Phone Call To A TV Host. 11/17/2003. 7:10am
Howard moved on to the first category today which was ''Best Phony Phone Call to a TV Host.'' He said that all of the calls were made by Captain Janks so they had to pick the winner from the victims. First up was Janks' call to an L.A. news team during the fires out in California. Janks called as ''Mark Mercer'' (Janks doing an odd tribute to me) during this call. The second nominee was the show Wind Tunnel with Dave Despain when Janks called in and asked him if he'd like Howard Stern's ball sack. The third nominee was a sports show where Janks called in and asked them if they like Howard Stern's balls and asked if they sucked dick in a second call and then said ''F-you'' in a third call. Next up was Dan Patrick who took a call from Janks who called in as Steve Bartman, the guy who screwed up the Cubs game, and asked him if he likes Howard's butt cheese. Finally, Dan Rather was pranked by Janks during the Space Shuttle disaster. Janks called in claiming to have debris from the crash. He then says that it may be one of Baba Booey's teeth.
Howard opened the envelope and said that Dan Patrick was the winner. He was on the line with Captain Janks. Howard wondered if it was really Dan Patrick. He said he couldn't prove it, he'd have to take Artie's word for it. Artie said that's really him. Dan wondered why Janks would do something like that to someone who likes the show. Janks said that he loves Sports Center and thought that they would be the best place to make that call to. Janks said it was tough to get through to that show but he had spoken to Steve Bartman and had a lot of information to get through to them.
Howard told Dan that Janks put a lot of time and effort into that call. Dan said that they have changed the screening system over there since that call. Howard wondered if anyone gets in trouble when something like that happens. Dan said that nothing like that happens. Dan told Janks that he did a good job when he made that prank call because he had him convinced that it was Steve Bartman.
Janks said that Sports Center is off limits to him from now on. Dan said he really wanted to crawl under the desk when that call happened. He said he had to do another 45 minutes worth of show after that and it was tough.
Howard told Dan that the F-Emmy is a guy banging a chick that's animated and they will send him one in the mail. Dan made a quick acceptance speech and told Howard that he's a fan of his. Captain Janks also made a quick speech and got in a plug for his web site CaptainJanks.tk. Howard went to break after that.
The winner was Pat Cooper. Howard said that's what you have to do to win. Howard had Pat Cooper on the phone to accept. Richard Belzer was sitting in so Pat said that Richard is his idol. Howard said this is Pat's first year being nominated. Howard said that he has to say that he had some performance. Pat said he's emotional. He said it means another $500 a week. He said he's going to send $250 of that to Howard.
Howard and Pat spent a little time talking about Pat's mother and that argument they had. Pat said that his family are out of order and they are not nice people. Pat wondered how he's going to top this for next year.
Pat told Howard he sold out a gig he had and he has to thank Howard for that. He asked Howard to just keep talking to him.
Today's F-Emmy Awards. 10/23/02. 7:10am
Howard opened up with a short monolog before getting to the first category which was ''Best Celebrity Revelation.'' Here are the nominees:
Howard asked Paulie what he does for a living. He said he's a graphic artist so Henry said that means he's ''half a fag.'' Paulie didn't care that Henry called him names though. Howard had Henry give his acceptance speech. Henry said he just got married too. Paulie asked him who the guy was that he married.
Howard gave Henry's cookbook ''The Wiseguy Cookbook'' a plug and spent a little longer talking to these guys. Paulie said if Howard sets up the fight he's ready to go up against Henry. Henry said he's training for a 3 round fight already.
F-Emmy Awards Continue. 10/10/01. 7:00am
Howard spent a little more time talking about Rush Limbaugh and then moved on to the next category, Grossest Show Moment. Here are the nominees:
The F-Emmys Linger On. 10/16/01. 8:20am
Howard had to interrupt his anthrax mail discussion to give away another F-Emmy for Best Praising of Howard Stern From an Outside Source. The nominees were:
Howard also brought up the KFC commercials Jason is doing. Jason said he's getting seven figures for those commercials in a multi-year contract with the restaurant chain.
Howard got right into the award for Best Grillo Moment. Howard said that he's almost illiterate but he's a load of laughs. Howard played the clips for the nominees. They included:
The winner was Steve Grillo for singing ''I'm so Sexy.'' Howard had Steve come in to accept his award. Robin said Steve has kept his head shaved since that day he got it shaved. Steve said he likes it that way. Steve thanked a bunch of people in his speech. Howard said his hand is shaking. Steve said they always shake and he just got burned getting Howard hot water.
In the clip Howard got right into it and played tapes of the nominees which included:
The winner was Corbin Bernsen for his Vanna White story. Howard said Corbin couldn't call in so Howard had Henry Hill on the line to accept for him. Howard picked up but Henry wasn't there. Jackie said ''Uh oh, they got him.'' Howard eventually got Henry on the line. Henry was giggling and telling everyone where he lives. Howard thought that was kind of dangerous. Henry didn't seem to care. Henry said he got a message from John Gotti. He told Howard that he's in Santa Monica. He was all over the place with his story. Howard said he sounds high to him. Henry said no.
Henry said this is the day he makes meatballs. He said he makes about 200 and sells them. Howard asked him about that. Henry said he's been celibate for about 27 months too. Howard and Robin talked about that with Henry. Henry was also cursing a lot so Howard threatened to hang up on him if he kept that up.
Howard spent a little time talking to henry about what he's doing and also about the F-Emmy he's supposed to be accepting. Henry was doing traffic for the 405 out in California. Henry told Howard he's going to have diner with his ex. He said that he's still married to her but they don't live together. Howard had Henry give his quick speech and then let Henry go.
The F-Emmys Begin. 9/21/99. 7:05am
The next category was ''Best Argument Between Gary and Howard.'' Howard had 4 clips where Gary yelled at Howard or vice versa. Of course Gary won again, picking up his second F-Emmy of the morning. Howard saved his opening monolog for later in the show.
''Wackiest Listener'' F-Emmy Award. 10/6/99. 8:00am
Howard gave away another F-Emmy this morning. Robin made a good point when she said this award show is the longest thing around. Howard started the awards a couple of weeks ago and he's still giving out awards. Today he had the category ''Wackiest Listener'' to give away. The three nominees were:
Another F-Emmy Award. 10/16/01. 9:30am
Howard had another F-Emmy Award to give out this morning. This one was for Best Sports Celebrity Street Interview. The nominees included:
Howard and the guys started talking to Tatsura about flying out to New York and whether or not he was scared. Tatsura said something about the World Trade Center not being as bad as the bombing of Hiroshima. That quickly led to a whole long discussion about what Tatsura thinks happened during World War II. What he has been told about the war didn't quite line up with what we here in the United States have learned about WWII. Gary and Howard both argued with Tatsura about the stories he told. He was talking about how we killed many innocent people when we bombed Hiroshima and that was a form of terrorism back then. Gary was very vocal during the discussion but Tatsura wasn't fazed by any of it.
Another F-Emmy Award. 10/22/02. 8:35am
Howard came back from a commercial break and talked about his New York City ratings and how they've been number 1 for the past couple of ratings books. Howard wondered where all of the reporters are who were bad mouthing his show saying that he'd lost his touch and his career was coming to an end. He's now back up to number 1 and no one is writing anything about it. He said he has the strangest career.
Howard went on to compliment Don Imus who is number 17 in the same ratings book. Howard said the guy consistently comes in down there in the ratings and he doesn't know how the guy can just keep right on going without being embarrassed. He said he admires that in Imus.
Howard had the next F-Emmy Award to give away. He announced the category earlier but replayed the clips again. The category was ''Best Song'' and here are the nominees:
Chris Rock Accepts ''Best Celebrity Revelation: Male'' F-Emmy Award. 11/19/04. 8:35am
Howard played an pre-recorded intro from Daniel Carver and Wendy the Retard for the next F-Emmy award. Howard then announced the nominees for the next category which was ''Best Celebrity Revelation: Male.'' The nominees were:
Howard wanted to talk to Chris about the Star Jones wedding. Chris was there so Howard wanted to know what he was thinking while it was going on. Chris said it had a whole ''Coming to America'' feel to it. Howard wondered how close he is to Star and her new husband Al. He wondered if Al was all over him. Howard played a clip of Star walking down the aisle for Chris. It's the one with Godzilla stomping down the aisle as Here Comes The Bride is playing. Chris said that Star looked very nice at the wedding and his wife is good friends with her. He said she's not that bad and didn't want to bad mouth her. Howard wondered if Chris thinks that this guy Al is really into Star. He wouldn't say anything bad about her so Howard wondered how he's going to do the Oscars if he can't bad mouth people. Chris said that he's not going to be doing dance numbers or anything like that. Howard is afraid that he's too close to people like Tom Cruise and Star Jones and won't goof on them.
Chris said that the whole Star Jones wedding was normal and nothing strange happened there. Both Howard and Artie laughed when they heard that and said that something strange did happen, Star got married to a guy they're not even sure is into chicks. Chris wouldn't go there with Howard so he ended up giving a quick acceptance speech. He thanked the Nigerian guy who scammed him and got him caught. He also said that the sex was great with that chick that got him caught. Howard said that he knows who the chick is but wouldn't say who she was. He joked that it was Condoleza Rice. Chris didn't thank his wife in the speech since he'd cheated on her. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Chris about the Oscars and some other stuff before wrapping up the segment. Howard was talking about how weird it was to run into the guy out at the Knicks game because he was hanging with Spike Lee who really dislikes him.
Ralph said he once sat next to Chris at a Knicks game and he cracked jokes the whole time. He said his jokes are better than watching the game. He was also telling Howard that Chris eats a ton of food at the games and doesn't know how he stays so thin. Chris joked that he mixes the food with crack and that keeps him thin. Ralph wanted Chris to do some jokes before he got off the line but Chris didn't want to do that. Ralph ended up doing an impression of Chris and told some of his jokes. It wasn't working very well though so Howard let Chris go.
In the clip Howard got to the tapes of the nominees which included:
The winner was the Andrew Dice Clay vs. Mark Harris fight. Howard had Dice on the phone to accept the award. Howard said this is his first F-Emmy. Dice said he knew he had Mark right from the start. Howard said those other fights were good too. He congratulated Dice on his win and let him give his acceptance speech. Dice said a few words and thanked some people for backing him in that whole thing.
Howard got right to the nominated audio clips which included:
While Howard was playing one clip he had to ask Jackie not to laugh so hard during the show. He said he was drowning out some of the clip when he was laughing. Howard said that's Jackie's trademark but he doesn't realize he's doing that. Howard said he's just making one little critique.
The winner was Gary being dumped by his girlfriend. Howard tried calling the ex-girlfriend to talk to her but the line was busy. Howard said he never thought she was that much fun. He said she would just stare at him all the time when she was around.
F-Emmy For ''Best Crying Moment.'' 11/16/04. 8:30am
Gary came in and interrupted Howard saying that they had another F-Emmy to give away. Howard had Fred play the ''We Are The Wack Pack'' song parody before doing that. He had a pre-taped intro from Jeff the Drunk and Melrose Larry Green that he played after that. The next category was ''Best Crying Moment'' and the nominees were:
Howard asked Melissa about dating and what she's doing since she got a divorce. She has been getting laid right up until about a month ago. Howard wondered what's going wrong in her relationships. She said she tends to be attracted to guys with no life and she attracts losers. Melissa said that this guy was cute and he made her laugh. She said he had to wait for about 3 weeks before he slept with her. Howard wondered if he used his hand on her before that. She said he did but she wasn't sure if it was over or under the pants. Howard got into more details and tried to find out what happened that first time the guy was with her. She said it was fabulous and she was able to have an orgasm. She said the sex was good right up until the end of the relationship. Gary came in and asked Melissa who she was with at the American Music Awards the other night. She said that he's a good friend of hers and an ex-boyfriend. Howard let Melissa go a short time after that. She'll be appearing on the TV Guide Channel soon.
Ralph called in and said that they can't play clips from other shows as F-Emmy nominees. Howard said they really don't care about that. They were also talking about who else should have won. They thought that the porn star who slept with Jeff the Drunk should have won but Howard said that a lot of people don't want to come back on the show after stuff like that. Howard replayed the audio from when Cindy Crawford broke down crying. Howard also said that he had a chick break down and cry after he had sex with her. He said as soon as he finished he told her he didn't think he could do it, even though he was already finished. She then broke down and cried and said she wanted to call her boyfriend up in Albany. Ralph also shared a story about how a chick freaked out when she woke up and saw him the morning after they'd slept together. Howard said he hooked Ralph up with a hot chick one time and he called him and told him he'd pleasured himself on her because he wasn't able to wake her up. She woke up later and there was ''evidence'' left all over her. Howard wants to save this story for when he's on satellite because he wants to fill in the details. Howard told Robin she knows the chick. Ralph said that the chick was stuck to the sheets when she woke up. Howard wondered if she was good in bed. Ralph said she was but she was also really dopey.
Isaac from E! called in to talk about the crying porn star thing. He said that the audio is nothing compared to what he actually saw there in the room. He was shooting the stuff for E! and he didn't know what to do when she broke down crying. Howard had to take a break right after that quick story.
Howard got to the nominees for Best Female Fight which included:
Howard said they had a tie. It was both Jackie Stallone and Jessica Hahn. Howard said Jackie is off in jail somewhere so he wasn't able to get her on the line. Howard had Jessica on the phone to accept her award. Howard told her that they aren't doing an interview and they're just there to hear her speech. Howard told her to thank a few people. Jessica thanked a bunch of people. She said she didn't know what to say.
Jessica said that she hasn't seen any money from the Playboy thing yet. Howard said he told her that it was a bad deal. He said at least she won an F-Emmy.
In the clip Howard explained that Mitch Fatel is their intern and he's done a bunch of celebrity interviews. He got to the nominees for the Best Mitch Interview which included:
The winner was the Norman Lear interview. Howard had Mitch come in to accept his award. Mitch took a few minutes to get in there so Howard goofed on him about that. Mitch gave his speech and said that he thinks Norman Lear is a good connection to have in show business. Howard said he's not sure he made a connection with him. Howard gave Mitch some cash to help him out. Mitch said he loves them. Howard said Mitch is leaving because his father doesn't like him working for free. Howard said his replacement is starting tomorrow. His name is John and he stutters. Howard said he thinks that they're going to like him more than they like Mitch.
Howard had John come into the studio for the first time and asked him about his stuttering. John said that he stutters when he gets excited. Howard said he sounded pretty good so far and wasn't stuttering much. Howard said it was kind of disappointing. Then John started to stutter more and more. John said that he has trouble with M words and saying his own name since his last name was Melendez.
Howard told Mitch that John was going to be a big star and he was already better on the air than he was. Howard asked John to say his name 3 times but John didn't have trouble that time. John said it's not all the time that he has a problem. Howard said this was fun and that stuttering thing would happen. Howard said he liked John already and he wouldn't miss Mitch that much. Mitch said he liked the way Howard told Gary to hire John as soon as he heard he stuttered.
More From The F-Emmy's. 9/28/99. 7:55am
After the Pat Cooper F-Emmy Howard took a break. After the break he came back to give away another one. This category was ''Best Celebrity Revelation - Non-Sexual.'' And the nominees were:
Today's The F-Emmys was over around 10:40am.