|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard was back live this morning. He started the show talking about how a lot of people wanted them to come back so they did. Howard said he has a lot to talk about. He said Howie Mandel will be stopping by today. He said he has some new game show going on. Howard said he always has something going on. He said he's like Robin.
Howard said Robin was doing so many things. He said she was calling into other radio shows. Howard played a clip of a radio show, the Trailer Park Profit Show, where they took a call and it was audio of Robin talking about Brad Pitt possibly not being a movie star. It was Sal and Richard prank calling the show. They had Robin asking the guys if they thought he was on a list of movie stars. They were saying no while Robin was going on and on about Brad Pitt. Then they had her asking if they were going to fuck her and calling the guys an asshole.
Howard said he's a big fan of that show. He said he didn't know Robin listened to the show too. Howard said Robin was busy calling a lot of shows over vacation. He said she must have been bored.
,Howard said everyone has heard about the Asiana airline crash. He said an intern fucked up and gave out the information about the fake pilot names. Howard said he's sure everyone has heard that. Howard said he'd like to know how that happens. He said that information has to pass through a bunch of people. He said it must go through an editor and people like that. He said now the airline is thinking of suing over it. Howard said it's too much.
Howard said it's good to be back. He said he was at the Jimmy Kimmel wedding extravaganza over the weekend. Robin asked what that was like. Howard said it was beautiful. He said he was happy for them. Howard said that he was annoyed that he left Friday morning and had to come back on Sunday. He said his show Friday and Sunday were gone. Robin said he could have left earlier. Howard said he had nothing to do out there. He had stuff to do there in New York. Howard said that's why he went then. Howard said he hates being in hotels. He said the wedding was in Ojai, California. Howard said it was very nice out there.
Howard said they had about 300 people out there. He said they had a barbecue in a barn for the people who went to the wedding. Howard said he wore jeans and a t-shirt. He said they had country music and cowboys in cowboy hats. Howard said Jimmy was wearing white silk pants and a white vest. He said he looked like Tattoo from Fantasy Island. He said someone had to have dressed him.
Howard said this was at a private resort and they had it all booked up with their guests. Howard said the Paparazzi were very interested in the wedding. He said that Jennifer Aniston was there. He said he's not sure how she functions in her life. He said they want pictures of her and they go berserk. Howard said he was talking to a security guy and he said they had a couple of incidents with them. Howard said that people will book rooms and they will sell them to the Paparazzi. Howard said they end up kicking them out.
Howard said that Jimmy asked for no social media or picture taking there. Howard said he was happy about that. Howard said people will drive you nuts. He said right after the wedding there were pictures posted. He said the Paparazzi were hiding in the bushes. Howard said he was there and he has no idea how these guys got there.
Howard said they had trolleys set up at the compound and it was unbelievable that these guys were able to get around there. He said he's never seen anything like it.
Howard said Andy Richter was there and he loves that guy. He said he went back to his room after seeing him there and said he really loves that guy. Howard said he got a free lunch at a place. He said they had a hotel room that had two safes in it but both of the safes didn't work. He said they came up to try and fix them but it didn't work. Howard said they gave him a free lunch for the trouble. Howard said he didn't know why he was saying that because he did deserve it. Howard said Beth got a smoothie and he had some salmon. He said he ended up losing 15 pounds so he was able to fit into his suit for the wedding. Howard said he was walking around with his shirt off at the pool because he thought he was looking so good.
Howard said he was walking around thinking he was safe from the Paparazzi. He said he had no idea that they were there.
Howard said he saw JJ Abrams out there. He said he asked him about the new Star Wars and got a little information out of him. Howard said he told him to bring back C-3PO. He said that JJ is amazing. He said he wouldn't know where to begin on making a new movie. Howard said that the Star Wars thing is such a mess you don't know where to start. Howard said he came up with something new for Star Trek so he must be able to do the Star Wars thing.
Howard said he had a good table at the wedding. He said he was at the table with Bob Iger and his wife Willow. Howard said Bob runs Disney. He said he's a powerful guy. Howard said that he's a really nice guy too. Howard said Brad Grey was there at his table. Howard said he should have been pitching those guys. Howard said he had Johnny Knoxville and his wife at the table. Howard said he asked Johnny not to embarrass them there. Howard said he never knows what to call him in person. He said they call him PJ or JP or something. Howard said Andy calls him PJ. Howard said he must be a dick head calling him Johnny. Howard said he feels like an idiot doing that.
Howard said that he just got a note that says his real name is Phillip John so that's why they call him PJ. Howard said he once heard Don Rickles tell Johnny to go out and get hit by a bus since that's what he does best. Howard said he and Johnny are pretty friendly so maybe he should call him PJ.
Howard said the whole resort was transformed into a Jimmy and Molly thing. They had a bar there that they changed the name to Jimmy's for them.
Howard said he was standing there so they had to go out and get sunglasses for Beth. Howard said Jimmy showed up and they went for a drive around the compound. Howard said he was in a golf cart driving around a golf resort. He said he was wondering what's up with golf. He said he must be missing out on something. He said this place is like 800 acres of golf. He said there must be something to it. Robin said there are people who buy homes off a golf course. Howard said they have to be around it ever minute.
Howard said Jimmy took him to a driving range so they hit some balls. He said he's never done that in his life. Howard said he wouldn't even know how to hold a club. He said he would use a club for hitting someone over the head.
Howard said they got out and they got a bunch of balls to hit. Howard said he got a driver to hit the balls with. He said he wondered what he had gotten himself into. Howard said he announced to anyone he saw that his room wasn't ready and that he had never golfed before. Howard said he never tries anything athletic. Howard said he had Jimmy show him how he does it. Jimmy did his thing and hit a ball. He said he wasn't teaching him anything though. He said he didn't show him how to hold the club.
Howard said he went and whacked a ball 300 yards. Howard said Jimmy told him that was pretty good. Gary said that DePace just said that has to be bullshit. Howard said that Beth has it on video. He said that he hit at least 20-25 percent 300 yards. Howard said he called the pro over to check it out. Howard said he was hitting a bunch that far. He said he might be an idiot savant. He said that was unbelievable. Howard said he was going crazy hitting balls. He said he could probably never do it again though.
Howard said he was hitting the ball and didn't know that the tee should be on top of the ground. He had it all the way in the ground. Howard said once it was on top he was really hitting it hard. Howard said Jimmy was saying that he can't even hit it that far. He said his accuracy was good too. He said he would address the ball by saying ''Hello, Ball'' and hit it.
Gary said they want to see the video in the office. Howard said he has it and he would release it to the web but he doesn't want anything confidential released since Jimmy is in the background talking to Beth.
Gary said 300 yards is a long distance. Scott DePace came in and said that he has to see the video. Howard showed him what he had on his phone and Scott was goofing on him for wearing all black there at the golf course. Howard said he just got there and his room wasn't ready. Howard said he hit 300 yards. He said he did it 20 times in a row. Howard said you wouldn't believe this. Howard said he hit the ball and it was like nothing for him. He said he's like Tiger Woods.
Scott said there's no way that's 300 yards. Howard said that's what they told him it was. Howard said that they were telling him that. He wasn't making it up. Howard said he's going to give it up now though. He said he doesn't want to play the full game. He said it has to be beginner's luck. Scott said it is. Howard said he'd probably never be able to do it again. Robin said he could go out and play and be the best player ever. Howard said he may never know.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that there is no way Howard hit a ball that far. Howard said he did. He told the guy about the tee and how he had one but had it too far in the ground. The caller said that he has to post that stuff on the web for the fans. Howard said he will as long as the conversation Jimmy was having wasn't private. Howard said he'll forward it to Gary so he can put it up on the web after listening to it.
Robin said one expert said that he had to be attacking Zimmerman when the gun went off. Howard said he's convinced that if he was the prosecuting attorney he would get up and just simplify everything. He said he'd ask what's so suspicious about this kid and why was Zimmerman following him. Howard said that it's just weird. He said he wasn't on the jury so he can't say. He said he'd make up his mind in 3 minutes if he was on a jury. He said he pretty much knows the answer before he starts.
Robin asked if Howard can look at Matt and think of anything but him being Boober. Howard said he had a great conversation with Matt and Ben. He said he talked to them for a good hour. Howard said they seem like two decent guys. Howard said their wives were lovely. Howard said Jennifer Garner is Ben's wife and she's a big movie star.
Howard said he watched the Liberace movie and Matt played Boober. Howard said he was talking to him and he had a brain fart. Howard said he thinks he played Boober but couldn't remember. Howard said he didn't bring it up because he wasn't sure if it was Matt. He said he was afraid he was wrong. He didn't want to be that asshole who got it wrong.
Howard said he had a lot of good people at his table. He was trying to remember who it was. Howard said it was someone famous but he couldn't remember.
Howard asked what happened to the lights in there. DePace said that their board just shut down and they're looking into it now.
Howard said the wedding was nice too. He said they had two priests marrying them. He said it was nice. Howard said they had all of that tradition stuff. Howard said that Molly and Jimmy looked good. He said they were in shape. Howard said that the golf video is up on the web site now too.
Howard said the wedding was funny. He said Jimmy got up and talked about this priest that he's been friends with since he was a kid. He said Jimmy was goofing on the priest talking about how he molested him. He said Jeff Ross was there roasting Jimmy and other people too. He said it was great.
Howard said he was dancing and he really can't dance. He said they had a bunch of things going on there. He said Beth wanted him to make a speech but he just wanted to be a regular person there. He said he just wanted to sit back and relax.
Howard said he was kind of proud of himself for not doing this stuff. He said he doesn't want the attention on him for once. Howard said he was all proud of himself. He said then Molly and Jimmy got up to do their dance. He said he was standing there with Ellen Degeneres and her wife Portia. Howard said that they announce Jimmy and Molly dancing and Jimmy looks like Herman Munster dancing. He said they were just holding each other. Howard said they looked petrified. Howard said that they were watching but the song just goes on and on. He said Jimmy and Molly were dancing in a circle. Then some people said that he should cut in. Howard said he was going to cut in and dance with Jimmy. He said he didn't want to do it. He kept saying to himself that he shouldn't do it. Howard said he was holding back and holding back but the song was going on and on. Howard said something kicked in and he walked over and cut in. Howard said he started dancing with Jimmy and everyone cracked up and had a good time. Howard said he was somewhat disappointed in himself. He said he didn't want to be the asshole. Jimmy did say that it was perfect timing though. He said it was appreciated. Howard said Beth stopped bothering him about making a speech after that. Howard said no one else there would do anything like that. Howard said he's got to be the asshole.
Howard said that his buddy Lloyd Braun was there. He said he had a good time. He said he went to the pool without Beth. He said she was getting her hair blown out. Howard said he isn't good with that. He said he'd get lost going to the pool even though it's right outside their door. Howard said he got off the elevator and ended up in the wrong place. He said he's not sure how he screwed that up.
Howard said Robin can go to Europe on her own and do that no problem. He can't even get to the pool. Howard said there were a bunch of guys from Jimmy's show hanging out there. Howard said he had a good time there. He said he went back to the room and told Beth he was down there all by himself. He said Beth looked really good. He said he looked good too. He said he dropped 15 pounds and fit into his suit.
Howard said they had to get up early on Sunday to get their flight. Howard said they missed the brunch that morning.
Howard said that he went to push Mark Conseulos into the dance circle that was going on and he wouldn't move. Howard said that Mark threw him into the dance floor instead. Howard said the guy almost pushed him right over. He said the guy is a very powerful man. Howard said all of the ladies looked good at the wedding. He said everyone was dressed up. He said the women were all getting blow outs. Howard said they were all dolled up and it was fun. Howard said he's exhausted now. He said the time change really fucks him up. Robin said he was hardly there for any time. Howard said he got home at 6pm last night. He said he left California at 9am. He said it screwed up his whole day.
Howard said he rented a movie for his iPad and he had already seen it. Howard said it was the real Navy SEALS guys in this movie and he forgets the name of it. Howard said they go in and rescue this CIA woman. Howard said it's real SEALS. Robin didn't remember that. Howard said he's seen it twice and it's not that great a movie. Robin asked if it's ''Act of Valor.'' Howard said that's it. He said that these guys are so brave. He said he could never do that stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the golf swing thing is simple physics. Howard said he never thought about golf though. He said he doesn't know if it's got anything to do with his height. The caller said it has to. He said when you're that tall you're going to hit it far. Howard said he doesn't know but he's never going to play again. The caller told him to try it out. He said he should take lessons. Howard said he won't be doing that. He said he obviously could have been a good player though. Robin said he'd have to show her accuracy with the game though. She said that just driving isn't enough. Howard had the guys show Robin the video of his swing.
Howard had some audio of Robin and Tan Mom getting together. The guys had edited clips of Robin talking sexy with Tan Mom telling her to shut the fuck up and making weird noises. Howard said he'd like to know who imagined that scenario. He said that's what it would sound like if Tan Mom and Robin hooked up. Howard said they have to take a break and then Howie Mandel will be there. Howard said he's got a new show on. Howard said he has to talk to him about that and some other stuff.
Robin asked if Howie has had any Big Barry's on this season. Howard said he did start in with an act he didn't like. Howard said Howie has the other judges on his side so he's getting a lot of his acts through. Howard said that they're not showing all of the disagreements that they've had on the show. He said they did have a lot of those. Howard said Howie liked Captain Explosion but he didn't. He said that it was kind of lame in person. He said it looked good on TV though. Howard went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that Howie Mandel is there. He said that this week is the Vegas shows for America's Got Talent. He said they're on Tuesday and Wednesday.
Howard asked Howie if he golfs. Howie said that he hates it. He said that he has been asked to leave when he has played. He said he doesn't care if the ball gets in the hole. He said he was once in Maui and there are traditions in golf. He said that he and his brother-in-law went to play. He said they were told they couldn't go on the links in a tank top. He said they had to wear a golf shirt. Howie said that they wanted sleeves. He said that ladies can go sleeveless. Howie said that they must be okay then. He said he told the guy that this was his wife and the guy just gave him an awkward silence. He said that his brother-in-law was there with hair on his shoulders. He said they just handed over the clubs and let them play. Howie swears he really did that.
Howard said that Howie likes to play pranks on people. Howie said he never does it with Howard. He said that Howard and Nick Cannon fucked with him though. He said that they were on the set filming promos for the season. He said that Howard has a lot of guys with him but he has no one himself. He said he does everything alone. He said that day he had no one. Howie said he has John Mendoza with him at times but that's about it.
Howie said that they were back stage doing their thing and there was a weird guy in a white suit wandering around. He said that he saw him wander to Heidi and then went to Howard. Howie said he asked Howard who it was and Howard said he didn't know. Howie said he was concerned for his friends and he asked who that guy was. He said he didn't know what his motives were. He said that the producer asked him who he was and ended up taking him out. He said that this little man in the white suit was kind of upset. He said he was banished from the set. Howie said he felt his fellow judges were safe. He said within minutes they found out that the guy was with Nick. Howie said Howard told him that he was retarded. Howard didn't remember that. Howie said that Howard never corrected himself. Howie said he was apologizing for having him removed and all of that. He said that they didn't tell him that they were just goofing on him. He said Howard never told him he was kidding. Howard said he doesn't usually do that. He said he really thought the guy was retarded. Howard said he wanted Howie to feel bad since it was Nick's friend.
Howie said he once came out of his dressing room and Ronnie was standing there. He said Ronnie told him he looks cute. Howard said he didn't tell him to do that. He said Ronnie is weird like that. Howie said Ronnie told him he looked cute. Howard said he hates being fucked with. Howie said he does too. He said he was wondering all day why Ronnie thought he was cute.
Howard told Ronnie to come in there and tell Howie why he said that. Ronnie came in and Howard pointed out that Batman moustache he has. Ronnie said he was just joking around about him looking cute. He said he looked like a little boy. Ronnie said that he did look cute. He said he didn't think it made him uncomfortable.
Ronnie said that he liked a jacket he wore one day with a reaper on the back. Howie said he didn't remember wearing that. Howie said he doesn't remember what he wears every day.
Howie asked Ronnie what he thinks about what he's wearing today. Ronnie said he thinks his belt looks kind of gay but he looks cute. Howard said he's never heard a more ridiculous statement. Howie asked if he's serious. Ronnie said whoever dresses him is making him look cute. Howie said he dresses himself. He said no one dressed him. Ronnie told him he looks good. He took away the cute part.
Howard said it is weird to tell a grown man that he looks cute. Ronnie said that he does look cute when he wears that hat at times. Howard said he does. Howie wondered why that makes him uncomfortable. Ronnie said he doesn't know.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Ronnie what a fag he is. Howie and Ronnie talked more about who picks out his clothes. Howie said he does have someone who helps. He said that he will tell her he's not going for a ''cute'' look from now on. He said a grown man Ronnie's age should not be saying he looks cute. Howard said Ronnie told Heidi that she looks very fuckable once. Howard said he's just kidding. Ronnie said that he did tell her that the dress looked really hot.
Howie wondered why he was so into what he was wearing and why he remembers exactly what day he was wearing it. Ronnie said he likes skulls and he liked that reaper jacket he had on one day. Howard said he couldn't even make up something like this. He said he didn't tell Ronnie to do this.
Howie said that he's told to stay quiet while Howard is eating lunch. Howard said he was trying to nap that day. Howie said he didn't know that. He said he thought he was eating. Howie said he had to take an hour lunch and go sit. Ronnie said that Howie goes to the cafeteria most of the time.
Howard said he likes to go and decompress. Howie said he doesn't like quiet. Howard said he's nuts. Howard said he hates shaking hands and he went to this wedding and Beth told him to just get over it. Howard said he shook people's hands and his had was all wet. He said he would go up to people and fist bump. He said that they would say to him that he must be trying to be like Howie. Howard said he was nuts before Howie was nuts. He said he has hated shaking hands for a long time. Howard said people think that he's trying to take after Howie.
Howie said that they shouldn't touch. He said they should start a campaign where you don't touch. Howard said people have wet hands and he can't stand shaking hands. Howard said that Beth won't let him not shake hands. He said he doesn't want to touch hands. Howie said you just hug and not let go. He said you hug too long and the people will pull away. He said it's awkward and you just hold on and don't let them go. He said you just hold tighter and they will tell others not to even hug you.
Howard said he carries around hand sanitizer. He said he had a big, thick bottle that wouldn't fit in Beth's purse. He said he was using hand wipes instead. He said it's like a curse.
Howard said that he's heard people talk behind Howie's back. He said that he's been asked about fist bumping with women. He said that bothers women apparently. Howie said that he didn't know that.
Howard said that he appreciates being invited to his daughter's wedding. He won't make it though. Howard said he thinks they just want a gift from him. He asked if he invited the other judges and Nick. Howie said he did. He said that he didn't invite Sharon though. Howard said that's not cool. Howie said they invited her but then let her go.
Howard said that Howie's daughter is marrying a rap producer. Howie said his name is Doc Hollywood. He said he's a producer. He's also producing his show on TBS. He said that he's a wonderful young man who is making his way in the music business. Robin asked if everyone is in the music business now. She said that everyone she sees on TV shows these days have their own home studio and work out of their home.
Howard asked if the wedding is going to be big. Howie said it is. He said that the wedding was supposed to be secret but it's not now. He said they have the same wedding planner that Jimmy and Molly used. He said her name is Mindy.
Howie said that he's afraid that he's going to cry at the wedding. He said that he is less public than Howard is. He said that it's really hard for him to go out. He said that his daughter is going to have the day of her life and he's going to cry. He said he will wear sunglasses so people won't see him cry. He said his wife told him not to do that but he's going to have to.
Howard said he has to tell this story about Howie. He said the guy is out of his mind in a great way. He said he loves this story. Howard said they were at AGT and it was his wife's birthday. Howie rented an elephant for his wife for the day. Howard said he didn't do this for TV or anything. They just put the elephant in his back yard for the day. Howard said there was nothing less romantic. Howard said he must have thought he was doing something great for her but it's not romantic. Howie said he's not into birthday's and other celebrations. He said that his wife got really angry with him. He said that he has video of his wife in the back yard. He said it's just amazing. He said he doesn't think of the ramifications. He said the elephant was there for the day. He said there was no one else coming over or anything. He said 3 hours later his wife is in the house and looking out the window. He said the elephant is pulling out trees and things like that. Howie said they had to hose down the elephant and things like that while it was there.
Howard said he asked Howie if he got his wife anything else. Howie said he didn't. Howie said the elephant started sinking into the ground once they wet it down. He said it broke the sprinkler system. He said the elephant was also crapping and there were holes in the lawn and stuff. Howard said to do that to your wife isn't cool.
Howard said Benjy must love this. Benjy said he does. He wanted the number for the guy who got the elephant. Howie told him not to do it. He said he had $10,000 worth of damage in his yard from this. He said it cost more than 10 for the elephant. Howie said they say it's the thought that counts but that's just not true. He said his wife was really angry with him.
Howard said he has to bring up something else. He said he did the voice of Gizmo in Gremlins. Howie said he did. Howard said they were in a writing meeting and Richard Christy came in and said that if Howie ever did the voice in front of him he'd jizz his pants. Howie said there's a theme today there. He said that he has Ronnie telling him he's cute and this guy wants to jizz. Richard came in and said he loves Gremlins and he had no idea that Howie did the voice. Howie said he did that and did Skeeter on Muppet Babies. Howie did some of that voice. He said he had Bobby's world too and it was the same voice. Howie said they're all the same voice. Howie said he had another voice that he used to fuck with people saying that he had a helium accident. He said that he would go to the emergency room and tell them that he wanted to talk to a doctor. He said that he would talk in this voice and tell them that he had inhaled the helium but his voice got stuck. Howie did the voice for Howard and told the story. Howard was cracking up. Howard said that's what he should put on TV.
Howie said that ''Deal With It'' has nothing to do with his voice. Howard asked if there is talk of a Gremlins 3. Howie said he hasn't heard anything. Richard said that he loves that voice. Howie did it for him and Richard was all excited. Howard asked how he got that job. Howie said that his friend Frank Welker got him the job. He said that he brought him in to audition. Howie said that the audition was in an office building and they were doing these noises in the office next to a gynecologist office.
Howie told Howard that he still gets checks from the Gremlins movies. He said that he had to do all of the different languages for the movie too.
Howard asked if he liked doing that and if he would like to make movies. Howie said he doesn't like movie making. He said he can't wait around waiting for new lines. Howie said he was on St. Elsewhere and the lines are stuck in his head. He recited some of the lines that he used to do back in 1982. He said he knows what to do for a gunshot wound. Richard was going to leave so Howie said goodbye to him in his Gizmo voice.
Howard said Howie is doing a new show. Howie said this wasn't his idea. He said it's based on an Israeli show. He said that other people have done things like this before. He said they set up cameras in a restaurant and they listen in on people's conversations. He said they'll call one of the people to the back and tell them what to do with an ear piece in their ear. He said they can either do it and win money or they say ''I can't deal with it'' and give it up. Howie said they have celebrities telling people what to do. He said Heidi came and did it too. He said they had a guy sitting with his girlfriend and Heidi tells the guy to tell the girlfriend that he has always wanted to slap Heidi Klum's ass and he does it. He said that the girl freaked out.
Howard asked what the wildest thing is that they've done. Howie said they had a girl tell a friend that she was in porn and had her reenact a porn scene. He said they slipped a leather mask into her purse and then had her do this in a restaurant where no one knows what's going on.
Howard asked if he could ask someone to do something so wild that it would never happen. Howie said that there have been drinks thrown. He said there has been some physical violence. Howie said this is on Wednesday at 10:30pm. Howie said he'll be tweeting live along with the show. Howie said he wants people to watch and tweet about it.
Howard asked Howie if he got divorced and both Mel B and Heidi Klum offered him sex, which one would he pick. Howie said that's really hard. He was thinking about it and trying to figure out who to pick. Howie said that Mel would have to be the one since she's coming to the wedding. Howie said he'd fuck both of them. He said they're both fucking hot.
Howie said that Mel said that he must not have women come on to him since he's old and married. She asked Heidi if that was what she thought. Howie said they didn't believe that women find him attractive. Howie said this was just days after Ronnie told him he was cute. Howard said Howie got really upset about it. Howard said Howie is in the friend zone with them. Robin said that it shows on the TV show that he's really into both of them. Howard said that they would fuck him because he's a scumbag. Howard said he knows he could fuck them. Howie asked which one he would fuck first. Howard said he thinks that Mel might be really fun in bed. He said Heidi is really hot but she sings all the time. Howard said she doesn't sing well. Howard said he would probably fuck Heidi but Mel seems fun too.
Howard said he saw and interview with Mel where she was saying that he hits on her all the time. Howard said he never hits on her. Howie said he's never seen him hitting on her but he does say that he thinks that they'd fuck him.
Howard and Howie talked about Captain Explosion. Howard said that he didn't like that act at all. Howie said he loved it. He said he thinks Howard is 100 percent wrong. Howie said that this was more dangerous than Wallenda walking on a line with a tether. Howard said that he wasn't thrilled with the explosion thing. Howie said he's going to bring on him ''Deal With It'' and have him blow himself up for $200.
Howard said that Jason Raff is there with Howie today. Howard said Jason is the producer of AGT. Howard said Jason comes over to talk to them between acts and Howie and the others are on their phones. Howard said they shouldn't allow them to tweet. Howie said they used to tell them not to tweet but now they ask them to.
Howard asked Howie if he's paying for the wedding. Howie said he is the father of the bride so he is. He said that the groom's parents asked if they could pay for something so they're paying for the honeymoon.
Howard asked Howie when he gets to see his wife because he's hardly home. Howie said that she likes it that way. Howard said that they're going to be doing AGT there in New York. Howie said he'll see her two days a week for that. Howard said that Howie is on the road all the time. Howie said he's only doing like 100 comedy shows a year. He said that he gets home the same night. Howard said he must be home more than he thinks. Howie said he's home a lot. He said he would take the kids to school almost every day.
Howard asked about what his wife is doing. He said she manages people and she has some Playmates and people like that. Howie said she's only been an agent for the past 2 years.
Howard gave Howie some plugs for his new show. Howard said ''Deal With It'' is on TBS on Wednesday nights at 10:30pm. Howard said that it starts this week. Howard said Howie is also on America's Got Talent. Howard said he watches the show and thinks about how much air time he's getting. He said he sees it and thinks that the other judges are getting too much and he's not getting enough.
Howard and Howie talked about their almost-kiss on AGT last week. Howard said that he didn't really want to kiss him but he was close. Howard said that he was stuck in the bit and he stayed close for a short time but he didn't actually go in for the kiss. Howard said that he thinks that he could have broken out of his OCD if he had to. Howie said he could but he didn't. Howie said he probably wouldn't have swallowed saliva for 24 hours. He said that he kisses his wife all the time. He said that's fine. Howard said Howie can touch Heidi at times too. He said he has no problem with that. Howard said she must be germ free. Howie said she's Germ-man.
Howard said that Howie has yenta'd it up for an hour now. He said that's enough. They spent another minute talking and then went to break.
Howard came back and said that Baba Booey did that pitch where he fucked it all up. He said Carly Rae Jepsen did a pitch that was awful and they were comparing it to Baba Booey's. Howard said he's back in the news. Gary said his isn't the worst. He said there have been a lot of bad ones since then but this one brought it back.
Howard played a clip of some sports guys talking about Carly's pitch and then saying that back in May 2009 Gary did one that was really bad. Gary said he's gotten over it at this point. He said it used to bother him. Howard played more of the audio and the reporters were talking about Gary's pitch and playing the video of his awful throw. Howard said Sportscenter covered it too. He started to play a clip but said he was going to give Gary a break. Gary said it's alright but Sportscenter does bother him more. Howard played the rest of the clip. They were comparing it to Gary's pitch as well. They did a flashback where they showed a few pitches and one of them was Gary's. Howard said Gary is famous. He said they're talking about him everywhere.
Gary said that he and Jon Hein are doing a show today. He said they're going to be at Fanfest from 3-4pm. He said they'll be live on Howard 101.
Howard said he heard that JD has a baseball card collection. Howard said he can't believe that. He said he's really a nerd. Gary said he keeps it all in a box. Howard played a clip from a Wrap Up Show they did last week during vacation. JD was talking about the boxes he has full of cards and how he keeps them in a mini-safe. He said they're alphabetized by team and by name. Howard said he's just going to say that when he gets a girl up there it's going to be full of baseball cards. JD said they're under his bed. Howard asked how old he is. JD said he's 33. Howard asked if he really alphabetized them. JD said you do them by teams and then by player. Howard said he's not sure why JD is laughing. JD said he sees Howard laughing so he's laughing.
Howard said Fred is over there wondering what's going on. Howard asked JD if he had any friends growing up. JD said he had a few. Howard asked when he went through the cards last. JD said it's been years. He said he brought them with him from Florida. He said they've been under the bed since. Howard asked what this safe is. JD said he thought they'd be safe in there so he got one. He said he has a Ken Griffy Jr. card that might be worth nothing now. He has a Derek Jeter rookie card that might be worth something. He said he keeps those things in the safe. JD said that the safe is like a toolbox but it's more cabinet like. He said he doesn't keep a lock on it now. He said he used to but not anymore.
Howard asked JD if anyone could just take that safe. JD said they could. Howard said that he can imagine what would happen if he had them stolen. Robin asked if he has updated cards in there. Howard asked when he last bought some cards. JD said that it's not recently. He said that he has some cards but they're just sitting around. He said he has probably bought one of each type over time.
Howard asked JD how you get a good card these days. JD said you still have to buy a lot of packs to get a good one. He said they want you to keep buying so you can try to find the good ones. He said they have other rare cards they used to put in there. Howard just laughed. Howard said that seems like something JD should avoid. He said they call him nerdy already. JD said he hardly does it anymore. He said once in a while he'll be in a Walmart or something and buy a pack. He said he hasn't updated his books at all lately but he has bought some cards. JD said the cars just lay around now.
Howard said he would give anything to get video of that room of his. JD said that's not going to happen. He said he took his trophies down already. He said he put them in a bag. Gary asked if JD has showed his card collection to a girl in the past 6-7 years. JD said he hasn't done that. He said he knows better than that.
JD said he used to collect spoons. He said people would collect stamps and stuff but he wanted to do something different. He said that's why he got spoons. He said he they looked like wooden spoons and things like that. He said he might have that in his safe. JD said he used to collect PEZ dispensers too. Gary asked what his most expensive one is. JD said he doesn't know. Howard asked if he's a hoarder. JD said he's not. Howard said he must be. He said he's not sure how he stores all of this stuff in one room.
Howard asked JD how many PEZ dispensers he has. JD said he had like 20. Howard asked what kind he has. JD said he had Star Wars and maybe a Garfield one. He said he has tons of baseball cards though. He said he may have thrown out his PEZ dispensers.
Howard said he was using his non-stick frying pan at home and he turned it over and saw it was a Paula Deen frying pan. He said she must have had a lot of endorsement deals. Howard said her cookbook sales went through the roof after this N-word thing.
Howard said he was reading about how James Gandolfini leaving like $70 million to his family but then something happened and it was only worth $7 million. Howard said that they say if you leave it to your wife then you don't get taxed. Gandolfini left it to his kids and wife and then they taxed it and it brings it down to nothing. Howard said the guy worked so hard for that money and they take it all away.
Howard said he read about how Justin Bieber pissed in a mop bucket at a restaurant. Howard said that shows how arrogant the guy is. Howard said he read about how he said ''Fuck Bill Clinton'' too. He said that's actually Bill Clinton's own line. Howard said that pissing in a mop bucket is just wrong.
Howard said he saw that Charlie Sheen went to Scotland to find the Loch Ness Monster. Howard said he might be on something if he's doing that. Howard said he didn't find anything. Robin said that radio guy was telling them how smart Charlie Sheen really is. Howard said that was Alex Jones.
Howard said Elliot Spitzer is back in the news. Howard said he saw Anthony Weiner was doing well so he was going to get back into politics himself. Howard said Spitzer wants to get in office and appoint a bunch of porn stars to his cabinet.
Howard said he already talked about the Kimmel wedding. He said he got to hang out with Jennifer Aniston. He said he flew down with Kelly Ripa and Mark Conseulos. Howard said that he was really hob nobbing this weekend. Howard said he thinks he talked about everything that went on. Howard said Jimmy is very friendly with Jennifer Aniston. Howard said he's not sure how that happened. He said that Jimmy's family and Molly's family were there too. He said all of Jimmy's uncles will latch on to the celebrities. Howard said that's fun.
Howard said this wedding wasn't as much fun as Jimmy's parties. He said it wasn't all about him this time. Howard said Jimmy lost a bunch of weight for the wedding. He said he's obsessed with keeping the weight off now.
Howard played another one where a guy was saying that gay people are mentally weak. He said he would never marry a gay person. He said he's into pussy.
Howard said Michelle Bachman is all worked up. He said so is Pat Buchanan. Robin said he's barely able to stand up straight anymore. Howard played a clip of Pat Buchanan talking about the DOMA overturning and how this has been called an abomination in the bible. Howard cut that off after a minute of Buchanan mumbling.
Howard played some audio of Michelle Bachman talking about the overturning of DOMA as well. She was rambling about that and Howard said she sounds like Underdog lady. Howard said that he's happy about this. He said he wishes every guy was gay. He said then women would only have him. He said he'd have to populate the whole planet. Howard said every guy goes gay and he's the only straight guy. Howard said this whole situation is crazy. He said it's dumb that people are against them marrying. Howard said that they have nothing better to do than join a group.
Howard played another Wolfie interview where he asked a guy on the street who said he'd like to see how these people are going to reproduce. Howard said he'd like to see that too.
Howard played another one where the guy was saying that there's a saying that goes ''God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.'' Howard said he's never heard that one before. Howard let that one play through some more and the guy was saying that this is the new ''Solom and Gamora.'' Howard got a laugh out of that. The guy repeated the Adam and Steve line too.
Howard said that he has to read something for AGT now. He read about how tonight is the live premiere of America's Got Talent from Radio City Music Hall. He was recording it for a future airing. Gary said they're just going to lay it over a picture for AGT. Howard said they may never even use it. He said they have him doing shit constantly. He said they say it's 31 days of work but it's constant. Gary said he thinks it's supposed to be more conversational. Howard gave Gary one more read.
Howard TV showed some of the video of Beth crying when she gave the kitten up. Beth was saying it was so silly. Howard said it makes him cry to see that. Howard said that Beth came home with more cats. He said that they have a mother cat named Grace with her 3 kittens that were 3 days old when they came home. Howard said he hasn't even named them yet. Howard said they can't walk. Howard said the mother climbed up to a window and brought the kittens up there. Howard said they had to explain to her that you can't do that. Howard said he told this cat, Grace, that she just can't do that.
Howard said they have another litter of four kittens. Howard said that Robin is coming over soon so she'll see this. Howard said it's like Kitty City at his house. Howard said they have Grace, her kittens and the four other kittens. Howard said they have four cats of their own too. Howard said that he's going to photograph the kittens and get them adopted. Howard said they have them for free and they're beautiful. Howard said that he's going to get attached again and cry again. He said he felt so sad when he let the other kittens go.
Howard said that every story is heart breaking. Howard said they have a woman who donates to the North Shore Animal league. Howard said this woman has to go into a nursing home and she has to give up her 3 dogs. Howard said they have to adopt the 3 dogs to one family. Howard said that Howard TV made a whole video of this. Howard said he has to find a family to take care of the dogs. Doug Goodstein said that he thinks they're like 2 or 3 years old. Howard said they have to be older than that. Doug said that he's not sure. Howard said you have to check out the video on his web site and take these dogs in.
Howard said Beth wants to raise money for a cat habitat thing. Howard said that Natalie Maines is going to work with her on that. They're doing a big benefit show in November for that. Howard said he's going to be there too. Howard said he's like Mr. Animal now. Howard said that he has to do this because his wife is into it. Howard said he gets attached to the kittens and he cries now. He said he has a heart but people goof on him about crying. Howard said he has to find homes for these kittens. Howard said he plays with them day and night. He said they're so cute.
Howard said Robin will fall in love with them. Robin said she's got enough cats already. She's not going to get more.
Howard said he has the top 5 songs to play before going to break. Howard said he met Kevin of Kevin and Bean at Jimmy's wedding. He met Kevin Weatherly who is the Program Director from KROQ. Howard said that he's one of the greats. Howard said it's not easy to program a radio station. Howard said that it's a thankless and winless job according to his dad. Howard said this guy Kevin is able to do it though. He runs 3 radio stations and he does well with all 3.
Howard said he talked to JJ Abrams about the new Star Wars movie. He said JJ was talking about how exciting it is. Howard said JJ told him some things but he thinks that they're confidential. Howard said he has some information but he won't say what it is.
Howard said that JJ was going to go into town in Ojai and he told him not to. He said it might be too dangerous. Robin said they were in California. Howard said that's true but he saw some shacks out there that looked scary.
Howard played the top 5 songs and the first one was by Florida Georgia Line. Howard said that number 4 was the song Radioactive. Howard said that number 3 was a Miley Cyrus song. Howard said number 2 was Get Lucky by Daft Punk. Number 1 was Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke.
Howard said he was in conversation at the wedding when they played that Robin Thicke song. Gary said Robin Thicke will be there in a few weeks to perform that song. Howard said he liked that song from the first time he heard it. Robin said she tries to get hot for Robin Thicke but then she sees his father Alan. She said that she never thought he was attractive.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard would rip Sal a new asshole if he did something like what he did at Jimmy's wedding. Howard said he knows that but Jimmy told him it was a good thing he did it.
Howard said that Gabourey Sidibe was at the wedding. He said that she came out when Molly was supposed to come out as the bride. Howard said that he's serious about that. Robin said she's not sure what to make of that. Howard said no one was sure what to make of it. He said he and Andy Richter looked at one another and wondered ''What the fuck is this?'' Howard said that the crowd was stunned.
Howard said he did go up to her and say hello. He said he had this weirdness with her about what he said about her. Howard said that he said that Hollywood is prejudiced against fat people and he knew she'd have a hard time getting a part. Howard said Oprah Winfrey was at the Academy Awards telling her what a great career she was going to have. Howard said there are not a lot of parts for a heavy set woman. Robin asked how they explain Melissa McCarthy. Gary said she's funny. Howard said Gabby is a serious actor. Howard said that there aren't a lot of parts for her.
Howard said he went up to Gabby and said he loved her in the movie and that was it. He said she giggled. Howard said he has no idea what was going on. Howard said she may not have even known who he was. Howard said he was glad he said it.
Howard said that Jimmy and Molly were praying together at the wedding. Howard said no one prays for him. Robin said she prays for him all the time. She said she prays that he's going to enjoy going somewhere. Howard said he had a nice time out there. He said he was happy for them. Howard said he wants Robin to get married. Robin said she doesn't need just anyone. She needs someone special. Howard said that maybe Alan Thicke and Robin can marry. Robin just laughed.
Howard said Whitney Cummings is coming in tomorrow. Howard said she stayed at his house a couple of days over vacation. He said her boyfriend was there too. Howard said that she's dating Pete Berg. Howard said he wrote Friday Night Lights. Howard said that he's a nice guy too. Robin didn't know who he was at first. Howard told her who she was and Robin said she loves him. Howard said he was a good dude. He said they had fun together. Howard said he's a nice guy. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and did a live commercial read. He moved on to play a clip of a local station in California reading fake names for the pilots of the Asiana flight that crashed in San Francisco. Howard said at least 5 people had to have handled those fake names. Gary said that they seem to be in a huge rush to announce the names. He wondered what the big rush is. Howard said he has no idea. Howard played the audio of the reporter reading the names like Sum Ting Wong, We Too Lo, Ho Lee Fuk and Bang Ding Ow.
Howard said someone cleared it up for him. Howard said some kid called in with the names of the pilots. They called the NTSB and an intern picked up. He said they asked the intern if they could confirm the names and the intern confirmed the names. Howard said that if you're doing an internship don't answer questions like that. Howard said that the TV station thought they were confirmed. Howard said you'd think that the graphic guy would have caught that they were fake. Howard said they must have been afraid to say something.
Howard said they did apologize. He played a clip of the reporter apologizing and saying that they had confirmation from an NTSB official that they were the correct names. Howard said that you have to know who you're talking to when you talk to someone. It could have been a janitor.
Howard said that the airline is thinking of suing now. Howard said that those poor people in the crash. He said that a lot of them survived though.
Howard said that Riley Martin had an issue like that once. He said that some people pranced him and had Riley reading fake names during his show. Howard played the audio of that. He read names like Anita Rimjob and Lou Stool, Mike Oxsmal, Eaton Twots and Hugh Jassole. The names went on and on.
Robin said that Riley hasn't figured out yet that no one is protesting in his name or anything they say they're going to do in those letters.
Howard said someone asked him to retweet their birthday the other day. He said he did it but he's not doing it anymore. He said he's trying to get into twitter but he can't keep doing that. Robin said they say that they're missing out on a lot of opportunities to do things on there. Howard said he thinks he has other opportunities that he can take advantage of.
Robin started her news with a story about the Monkees going out and touring again. Robin said that she's not sure who will be singing the lead. Howard said Mickey Dolenz did a lot of the lead singing. Howard said Michael Nesmith did too he thinks. Robin said she thought Davey Jones did most of that. Howard said he thinks that the other guys did a lot of the singing. Howard said they had some good songs but then they started writing their own music and they sucked.
Robin asked Howard if they should be able to put a man who is retarded to death. Howard said that he knows a lot of retarded people who not to be violent. Howard said that they are capable of knowing right from wrong. Robin asked about children who kill. Howard said he sees nothing wrong with putting them to death either. He said they won't be right when they get older. Howard said he knew kids in high school who should have been put to death. Howard said these kids were never going to grow up and change. Howard said that if they let one retarded guy off they're going to go out and get other retarded people to commit crimes. Robin had some audio of someone talking about the case. Robin said they think this man is mentally retarded so he can't be put to death. Howard said they do know right from wrong so give them some credit. Howard said Beetlejuice knows that you don't kill anyone. Robin said he would probably say that he has killed people if you asked. Howard said she's probably right but he hasn't actually killed anyone.
Robin read about actor Cory Monteith being found dead over the weekend. Robin said they didn't find any obvious reasons why he was dead. She said we'll have to wait until after the autopsy to find out why he died.
Howard asked Robin if she watched Sharknado. Robin said she didn't. Howard said he heard that not that many people watched it but they were talking about it on social media. Howard said a tornado picked up sharks and dropped them on land and they were eating people. Howard said they only had like 1.4 million viewers. Howard said that he figured Robin would be all over that. Robin had some audio of Cory singing that she had Howard play. Howard read a live commercial and went to break after that.
After the break Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk. Jeff said Johnny Fratto took him on as a client. Howard said he heard about Eric the Actor firing Johnny. Howard said he didn't know he took Jeff on. Howard said he's not sure what's going on with Eric. Howard asked if Johnny told Jeff what happened. Jeff said he didn't. Jeff said Johnny said he wanted to get him gigs and Mariann heard the story about Eric firing him. Howard said there's a new guy in town and his name is Jeff the Actor. Howard asked if he'll kiss a guy on screen. Jeff said if it pays the bills...
Shuli came in and said that Eric is shell shocked by not being allowed on the show and he blames Johnny for that. Shuli said that he told Johnny that the only way he'll hire him back is if he gets him a 40 foot motorhome and a van with a wheelchair lift in it. Johnny told him he was done after that. Shuli said Eric was calling him all day long while Johnny was busy doing his own things. Shuli said that Eric would call him to look at a chick on TV while Johnny is in meetings.
Shuli said he asked Eric how he's going to get people in touch with him if Johnny isn't representing him. Eric wants him to take emails for him. Shuli said now he's involved.
Howard said if you want more Eric news, Derek the Actor won't even do the show anymore. He left them a message on their voice mail. Howard played the audio of Derek leaving the message for Johnny to give to the Stern Show. Derek said that he doesn't like them at the Stern Show anymore. He said they're not nice to little people. Eric was doing all of this in a southern accent. He said they can all go fuck themselves and go to hell. He said he's done with their dumb asses. Howard said that he's kind of like Eric thinking that Gary and Howard are dipshits.
Robin got back to her news and read about George Zimmerman being found not guilty in the Trayvon Martin case. Robin said there has been fallout and reaction ever since. Robin said that the family is looking to file a civil lawsuit next. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that. Howard said he agrees that this kid was profiled. He said that he was a black kid and this Zimmerman guy followed him just because of that. Howard said the cops told him not to follow the kid but he didn't listen. Howard said he was shocked by the verdict. Robin said that the gun law down there is the rub. She said that in Florida they have gun laws that allow you to defend yourself and that's what the Jury must have seen. Robin said that George's brother said that claims that his brother is racist were hurtful to the family. Howard said he was shocked that his name is Zimmerman and he claims to be Puerto Rican. Howard read a live commercial a short time later.
Howard talked more about the Sharknado movie that had Ian Ziering and Tara Reid as the stars. Howard said that tells you something right there.
Robin said that there's a debate going on in the Big Brother house on CBS. Robin said that they have some possible racism going on during the show. Robin said on Sunday night they ran a disclaimer about the views of the house guests and how they don't represent the views of CBS. Robin had some audio of two of the house guests arguing about racism. Robin had another clip of a couple of the house guests arguing. Howard said he can't believe that show is still on.
Howard said he saw that there's a wearable computer and it can suck your penis. He said this is a real thing. Howard said Sal bought 3 and he looks like ''3-CPO.'' Howard said he was reading about how your body has the ability to taste things all over. Robin said that they say that our sensory abilities are greater than we suspect. Howard said he was thinking about Richard drinking beer through his asshole. He said it's not so crazy that he can taste things down there.
Robin read about how Aaron Hernandez was arrested on murder charges over the vacation. Howard said those guys have it made so he can't imagine what he was up to. Robin said he was just questioned at first but as time went on it looked more and more like he was involved. Robin said they may even have him linked to a drive by shooting in Boston. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read about the new President of Iran and how some people are saying he's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Robin had some audio of someone talking about how we have to disable their nuclear program over there.
Robin read about the Edward Snowden case and what's going on with that. Robin said they say that he may have even more information that he could reveal. Howard said the guy must not have thought things through. He said he's stuck in some Russian airport not able to leave. Howard said he doesn't have many choices of where to go now. Howard said he could end up in some shitty country.
Robin read about prostate cancer being a leading killer of men in the U.s. Howard said he thought that was one of the slow acting cancers. Robin said it depends on when it's discovered. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that.
Robin had some audio of someone talking about the takeover of the Smithfield company. They were talking about not having enough regulations when it comes to pork products coming from other countries. Howard said that he's all for more regulation when it comes to something like that. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about the royal baby that's due to arrive. Robin said she's two days past her due date. Robin said the media has camped out in front of a hospital for weeks now. Robin said the watch continues. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:15am.
Jon said he wanted to start off talking about the golfing thing. He said Howard went out and hit a few balls and he lined up and hit the ball like 300 yards. Scott was chuckling while Jon was describing this. Scott said he's calling bullshit on 300 yards. He said that Howard did appear to do pretty well with the hit but he's not going for the 300 yards. He said maybe it was 200 yards. Scott said that the swing speed wasn't there to hit it 300 yards. He said he has hit it 300 under the right conditions but it's usually 240. Scott said he would so love to play golf with Howard. He said that he thinks his job would be even greater if he could play golf with Howard. He said he could get on some great courses. he said they could play the Trump courses and all of that.
Jon said he sees how this goes now. He just wants to use Howard to take him to exclusive places. Scott said he thinks that he's had a few conversations with Howard that weren't work related. He said he doesn't get a lot of time with him. He said when you play golf you have to talk. He said it would be awesome.
Jon said Howard doesn't socialize with people at all really. Scott said he doesn't but maybe golf would get him into it.
Scott said that he was supposed to go to Howard's house once and he and Gary were fighting so Howard didn't invite him but he did invite Gary. Gary said Howard must like him better.
Gary said that he was sitting with Rob who works there with them. He said that he can golf. Gary said that Rob looked at the swing and thought that there was no way he hit it 300 yards either. Jon said Howard was so excited about it. Scott said he thinks Howard's swing was better than Gary's. He said he's seen Gary golf and he doesn't have a great swing. Gary said he doesn't golf so why would he bring him into that. He asked if Scott wants to fuck him or something. He said he's obsessed with him. Scott said he has played with him and that's why he brought it up. Gary said Scott always makes it negative. Scott said he's right next to him and he has golfed with him. Gary said he knows he's not good. Scott said Howard's swing just looked better than his.
Jon said Scott was talking about why he'd like to golf with Howard. Gary said he can imagine. He said that's like Sal wishing he could lay in bed with Howard watching Survivor.
Gary said he doesn't like golf. He said he can't stand being out there like that. Scott said he loves it. He said there are no worries out there. He said you just have fun with some friends drinking and smoking a cigar. He said it's great.
Jon asked how many holes Howard would last if he played. Gary said he might last 3 or 4 if he's playing well. Scott said that if he was smoking a cigar and drinking beer with him he might. Gary said that's like Sal talking about having a hamburger with Howard. It's never going to happen. Scott said he's just saying if Howard was that kind of guy that's what they'd be doing.
Jon brought up Gary's pitch again. Scott said that Gary should go out and do it again. He said he should face his fears and see what he can do. Gary said he knows a guy who was going to throw a pitch and he was a professional athlete. He said that the guy knew he had to throw extra hard but when he threw it, it just stayed in his hand and hit the ground about a foot in front of him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Gary's pitch is the best because now his name is brought up every time a first pitch is brought up.
Scott asked Gary if he has his actual ball. Gary said he doesn't. He said the guy who has it is Taylor from TSS-Radio. He said he takes the ball around and gets celebrity pictures taken with it. They spent a minute on that and then went to break.
Scott said he collected cards too. He said he did it for the money. Gary said he had some baseball cards too. Jon said he did too but he didn't have them sorted like JD does.
Jon asked Ronnie about calling Howie Mandel ''cute'' at AGT. Ronnie said he doesn't remember what the outfit was he was wearing. He said he thinks that it was the one from a couple of weeks ago where he had a plaid, flannel shirt on. He said he wears his clothes like real short like they don't fit. He said they're almost kid sizes. He said the shirt he had on today was too short for him. Gary said he didn't notice. He thought he was wearing a jacket today. Ronnie said he was when he went in but he took it off.
Gary said that Howard talked to Howie about the elephant thing and it was like a Sal moment when he told Howard that he just learned his lesson from that elephant gift thing. He said that he hadn't thought the whole thing through.
Jon asked if Richard came when Howie did his Gizmo voice. Gary said his face looked like he did. He said Howie seemed shocked that someone could see that movie in a theater when Richard mentioned that.
Jon said that Howie remembered that St. Elsewhere line that he memorized. He said that was impressive. Jon asked what Ronnie thought about what they were saying about Mel B and Heidi if they were in bed. Ronnie said he imagines that both of them would be great in bed. He said he imagines Heidi being like a panther. He said that Lisa G might be like an Iguana. He had Jon laughing at that line.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he was watching AGT when they had Ronnie up on stage dancing. He said it was great to see that. Jon said that Ronnie was getting into it up there. Ronnie said that he's gotten to hang with Heidi before. He said they've gone out to dinner and he got to party with them.
Scott asked if he had the moustache then. Ronnie asked what his problem is. Scott said he was just wondering. He was laughing as he said that. Jon went to break a short time later.
Ronnie was wondering if had done the same thing at the Bubba wedding if Howard would have gotten mad at him. Jon said he probably would. Ronnie didn't understand why. Jon said he should have called Howard out on that. Gary said he thinks that Howard should have fun like that and he's glad he did it.
Jon took a call from a woman who asked if Howard went to the Seinfeld party. Jon said he didn't talk about it so he's not sure. The caller said that she saw pictures of everyone but Howard at the wedding. She said they were showing some on Good Morning America but none of them were of Howard.
Jon took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing a sports guy voice and talking about Jon and Gary's upcoming special today at 3. Jon let Sour do this thing for a short time before letting him go.
A caller brought up Howie Mandel again and Ronnie said he really likes Howie. He said that he has a good time talking to him. Gar said that Howie seems really interested in hearing your story if you talk to him. Ronnie said that he has seen him goof on people too. He said he saw a guy at a bar talking to Howie and Howie had him take his shirt off and doing other weird stuff before he'd sign an autograph for him. Ronnie said the guy was down on his knees on the floor with his shirt off by the time Howie was done with him.
Jon asked if Howie is comfortable enough to mess with Howard. Ronnie said he's not sure about that. He said that he might be afraid. Jon said they'll have to see how it all plays out. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
Howard started the show talking about how much they had to get to today. Howard said he has a plug to give. He said he was too lazy to blog it out. Howard said he was paralyzed by his fear of making a mistake on the web and having people point out his mistake. He said he put that idea aside and then someone said they could have the staff ask questions instead. Howard said they have this up on Howard TV and HowardStern.com called Ask Howard. He said Rachel Fine asked him staff member's questions. Howard said what's better than after 4 hours of this show having more questions. He said he has a bunch of questions from the staff. He didn't remember any of the questions. He said his days are so long and exhausting he can't even remember yesterday.
Robin asked what his day was like that made it so exhausting. Howard said after 4-5 hours of this he's pretty much shot for the day. He said he has meetings and he wants to get to the gym so he doesn't get fat. He said he has 50 other meetings and personal stuff. He said he had Ralph yesterday. He had to try on clothes. He said he has to get ready for the live shows for America's Got Talent. Howard said this week is Vegas Week. He said tonight's episode is good. He said they edit it together very well. Howard said he was caught up in it and he was there. Howard said he forgot what went on out there. He said they did it differently this year and it's good.
Robin said a woman said that he's very different on this year's AGT. Howard said he's really not. Howard said he's on a family show and he's not going to talk about blow jobs.
Howard said it's like Jenny McCarthy. He said that she's taking over for Elisabeth Hasselback on The View. Howard said she had a show on VH1 but that wasn't working out so they hired her on The View. Howard said when they have a good guest on that show she puts on glasses and gets serious. That's the Jenny that avoided their show for 5 years. Howard said he doesn't think they'll be seeing her for a very long time again. They lost her to Jim Carrey for a few years. Howard said once the shit tanks then she returns. Gary said her last two appearances there she talked about everything.
Gary said that there's a guy who is against Jenny getting the job on The View. He said the guy thinks that she's irresponsible for saying she cured autism. Howard said no one is looking to The View to interpret the news. Robin asked if people are going to believe anything she says.
Howard said he thinks that they won't see Jenny for a while. He doesn't even think she'll come in to promote The View.
Howard had some audio from yesterday's Wrap Up Show. He played that and Ronnie was talking about how upset Howard would get with him if he had done something like that at the wedding. Howard said Ronnie really knows how to read a room.
Howard played more of Ronnie talking about how he thinks that what Howard did isn't that much different than what he did at Bubba's wedding.
Howard said Ronnie is so bent out of shape. Ronnie said he's really not. Howard said he's trying to rationalize what he does. Ronnie said he isn't rationalizing anything. Ronnie said Jon sticks a knife in your back all the time and he knew he was going to get this today. Ronnie said Jon asked him a question and he answered it. Howard said he does stupid things at weddings all the time. Ronnie said he's not imitating Howard though.
Howard said Ronnie has been the jackass moron for many years. Ronnie said he's just having a good time and Howard isn't.
The caller said that Ronnie thinks that ''Lets fuck some whores'' is the same thing as cutting in on a dance. Howard said Ronnie will just say ''Howard did it...'' Ronnie said that's not what he said. Ronnie said that he would have gotten hammered if he had done the same thing that Howard did. Howard said of course he would because he would have no business doing that. Ronnie asked why he's busting his balls today. Howard said he should apologize to Jimmy. Ronnie did that.
Howard said he heard everyone debating if he hit the ball 300 yards. Howard said he wouldn't know 300 yards on any course. Howard said Jimmy wrote him an email from his honeymoon saying that the golf pro was the one who said it went 300 yards. Howard said he not only did it once but maybe 5 times. The caller said that video was not 300 yards. Howard said the pro came over and verified it. Howard said it wasn't his claim. Howard said he's sorry to all of the fuck heads who can't do it. Howard said he knows it hurts but he game isn't that hard. He said at least the drive isn't that hard. Howard said he's hunched over like Nosferatu. Howard said he doesn't know anything about playing. He said DePace isn't the only one who can't handle it. DePace said he's happy for Howard. Ronnie said that's not how he was reacting yesterday.
Howard said that he didn't even know Beth was videotaping him. Howard said someone pointed out that he was wearing all black. He said he wasn't out there to play golf. He said he had just gotten to the hotel and his room wasn't ready yet. Howard said he just got up there and started whacking balls around. He said he didn't practice and he didn't know what he was doing. He said he hit like 30 balls and his chest started to hurt. Howard said that the whole resort was a golf course. He said other people were playing golf. He said Mark Conseulos had his clubs flown down for him.
Howard said in baseball someone is throwing the ball trying not to let you hit it. In golf the ball is just sitting there. If you can't hit it then you're an uncoordinated spastic. The caller said the whole game isn't like that though. Howard said he knows that the game isn't that easy. He said he's just busting balls. He said Jimmy is willing to sign an affidavit saying that he really hit it 300 yards though.
Howard let Ronnie go and said that he still has that Batman moustache. He said he's letting it grow out so the color is changing though. The played him out with a song parody to the tune of the Batman theme.
Howard said that he loves rock music and he can't believe it's dead. Howard said he never thought that would happen. Howard said it's fucked up that kids don't love rock. Howard said if Jimi Hendrix was alive he'd be spinning around in something. Robin said he'd be spinning around in his shoes.
Howard said he has a few favorite channels there. He said one of them is Deep Tracks. He said that they play some great stuff on there. Howard said he should find out who programs that channel. Howard said the guy who programs it is great. Howard said he listens to 90s on 9 too. He said he loves that. Howard said he listens to Sirius Hits 1 on occasion. Howard said he doesn't like it when the DJs talk too much. He said they should talk or play music, don't do both. Howard said he likes Octane too. He likes that when he's working out. Howard said that's the heavy metal channel. He said they rock out even in the morning. Howard said those are his favorite channels. Robin said she likes Coffee House. Howard said he does too but you can't work out to that.
Howard said today is a big anniversary for Robin. He said it's one year ago today that she announced that she wasn't a 36-DD. Robin said that has to be several years ago. Gary said it was 2009. Howard said he thought that was one year ago. He said he can't do this stuff off the top of his head. Howard played the audio from that day where she made that announcement. Robin had gone out to get fitted for a bra and found out she was actually a 34-G.
Howard played a Little Mikey song parody about her big titties. Howard said that they have to give a shout out to Yvette who told Robin that she's a 34-G. Howard said they should toast to her. Howard asked what Yvette's bra size is. Robin said she was packing a lot but she's not sure exactly what it was.
Howard played another song parody about Robin's boobs. That was from Eli Braden. Howard said that's in honor of Robin's anniversary. Robin said she had forgotten. She said she should mark that day.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he can tell Robin Thicke to not forget to bring in the brunette from that video he did where she's topless. Howard said she's only like 21 years old. Howard said she looks very young in that video for Blurred Lines. Howard said that his wife and this other woman thought she looked too young. Howard said that the guy he was talking to thought so too. Howard said she looks great. Howard said they did like her boobs. Howard said there was some controversy about her boobs. He said the girl tweeted out a photo of herself at 14 and she had big ones at 14 so they're real.
Howard said Justin Timberlake made a video with naked chicks because of this video. Robin said that everyone was talking about the video when it came out. She said it's hard to market music these days. Howard said it was smart to do it that way. Howard said that the song is good and the video is really good. Howard said these are the years of Psy and Robin Thicke. Howard said that Psy had that video that you couldn't take your eyes off of.
The caller asked if Howard went to the Seinfeld party for the 4th of July. Howard said he went to Jerry's house. He said it was great. He said they had good food. Howard said he and Jerry sat in a room and talked. He said that he drank some scotch and Jerry smoked a cigar.
Howard said that he was looking for a room to sit quietly in because the music was loud there at the party. Howard said a lot of the men went into this room to hang out. He said they were smoking and drinking scotch so he went in there. Howard said he wanted to bond so he had some scotch. Howard said he just wanted to fit in. Howard said someone asked him if he liked Scotch and he said of course he does. Howard said he has no idea what kind of scotch it was.
Howard said Beth walked in and asked what he was doing. He shushed her. Howard told her not to blow it for him. He said that he announced he wanted to go deer hunting next. Howard said he didn't smoke the cigar though. He said that's such a ridiculous smell. He said it's a waste of time. He said you don't even inhale. Howard said he smoked them at NBC for a while. He said after the stress of doing shows there he would smoke a cigar. He said he was trying to get into something that would release the stress. Robin said they were those little Tiparillos.
Howard said he had a nice time at Jerry's. Howard said there were a lot of fun people there. Howard said he gets nervous at parties like that. He said he's either loved or hated. He said you go there and there are a lot of show business people there. He said Andy Cohen was there and he loves the show. There are others that will run away when they see him. He didn't want to say who they were. Howard said there are a couple who are petrified of him. Howard said that's his life.
Howard said some women are completely revolted and not just because of his looks. The caller said that his grandmother loves on because of AGT. Howard said he goes to a restaurant now and they'll bring their 10 years olds over to him and throw him on his lap. Howard said these kids are fans of his. Howard said they look at him like he's the greatest thing on the planet. Howard said he doesn't care what he looks like anymore. He said he's done it all in his career. He said that he thinks it's interesting to have kids as fans.
Robin asked Howard if he heard about the woman who was killed by a blowing up iPhone. Howard said he did. Howard said that was a weird thing.
Howard said he rolled over to go to sleep last night and there were fireworks going off outside his window. Howard said that he thought the terrorists were attacking. He said this was on a Monday night. He said it's not the 4th of July. He said they're the dumbest thing he's ever seen. He said he has no fun when he sees fireworks. He said he hates it. Gary asked if he gets any enjoyment at all. Howard said not at all.
Robin said she went out on her boat two nights to see fireworks. Howard said one of his neighbors asked if he had fireworks at his house. He told them he would have them but then they said they hate them so he said he won't light any off. Howard said he completely contradicted himself and no one questioned him about it.
Howard said he had some friends over who had a political discussion. He said he liked that. He said they were talking about Egypt and what's going on over there. Robin said Howard would never go over there. Howard said no way. He said they're lunatics over there. He said they start freaking out over there. Howard said that is one nutty part of the world.
Robin said one of Michelle Bachman's former staffers was accused of stealing. Robin said the only statement her group put out was that the guy no longer worked there. She said that she cut ties and ran.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he hung out with Henny Youngman when he was a kid. He said he was like 9 or 10 and his grandfather knew him. He said that it was nice to know a celebrity back then. Howard said Henny really was a great guy. Howard said he got to know him toward the end of his life. Howard said he would meet with his agent and he'd walk in and Henny would spot him and walk over to him. He said he would have him walk him in. Howard said he would take him by the arm and walk into the Friar's club with him. He said he was very nice and kind to him. He said it made him feel good that he liked to be seen with him.
The caller said that he liked being with Henny too. He said he would go out to dinner with him and they'd have some nice talks. He said that he was something else. Howard said he wants to move on from that.
The caller said he's hearing about these celebrity weddings and it seems like it's a who's who. Howard said it is. The caller asked if they have any regular friends. Howard said he wants to clear something up. Howard said Jimmy and Molly had about 300 people at their wedding and about 25 of them were famous. The rest were family. Howard said that they had their co-workers there too. Howard said he's just talking about the famous people and not about Cousin Bertram.
the caller asked who made the best speech at the wedding. Howard said Adam Carolla made one and so did Jimmy's son and a bunch of other people. He said that Jeff Ross was there and made a speech too. Howard said he thinks that Jeff worked on The Man Show with Jimmy too. He said that a lot of people made speeches.
Howard said that JD recorded something that he wanted him to play. He said that George Clooney and Stacy Keibler broke up so JD recorded a message for Stacy. Howard played the message and JD was saying that if she wants to go out sometime that would be nice. Howard said maybe she wants a normal relationship.
Howard wondered if he could get Ian and Tara to do Tardnado if they filmed it for Howard TV. Howard said he can imagine the call to Ian Ziering when his agent offered him Sharknado. Howard did an impression of what that might have sounded like.
Howard got back to JD's clip where he's putting the word out to Stacy about wanting to date her. Howard said JD has a spoon collection and baseball cards. He said Stacy would be into that. That led to Howard playing a song parody about JD and his card collecting. Howard played another one where someone was singing about JD's clusterfuck of words.
Howard played more of the JD clip and goofed on his way of speaking. Howard said that he has some rap. Robin said she hopes that Stacy gets this. She will immediately call the police. Howard did his impression of JD talking to her about his spoons.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said that Jimmy Kimmel seems kind of smug. Howard said he's really not. Howard said that Jimmy and Molly are great together. King just laughed. Howard said that he thinks that they will last a lifetime. He said that they may not keep working together on the show though. Howard said that Molly has a lot of talent. King was laughing at that. Howard said he's not sure what King is laughing at. King asked if they're still working together on the show. Howard said they are but he thinks that she'll step down from the head writer thing eventually.
King said it must be torture working all day long and then going home together. Howard said he's right about that. He said it would take a special couple to do that. King was giggling at all of this. Howard said Jimmy's whole life is work so it's different for him. Howard let King go after that. He said he's not going to let that whole thing go. He said that he can't be happy for anyone. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said he's looking at statistics and there aren't a lot of 300 yard drives. Howard said when they do hit them they're just a few yards over 300. Howard said right now his average is better than Tiger Woods. Robin said his average is like 280.
Howard said that Robin asked if retarded people should be executed if they commit murder. Howard said yes. Howard said they know a lot of retarded people like Gary and Wendy. He said even Big Foot might be in there. Howard said they interviewed some people about that and had their answers. Howard played audio of Beetlejuice saying that he knows better than to kill someone. Howard said he knows not to kill anyone. Beet said he would beat someone up but not kill them. Then Howard played a clip of Beet saying he did beat one guy up who ended up dying.
Howard played audio of Big Foot talking about how he knows that it's against the law to kill someone. Big Foot said he wouldn't kill anyone. Howard said retarded people do know not to kill anyone.
Howard had some audio of a porn guy cumming really loud. Howard said that the guys must get jealous that women get the fame. He said that they have to be known for something so they inject personality into the way they cum. He said they're ruining porn. Howard played the clip and said ''case closed.'' Howard said it sounds like he's killing someone.
Howard said it's just too much guy. He played another one where the guy is yelling and talking too much. Howard said there's a reason people aren't watching this guy in porn. The guy was telling the woman to come get her vitamins. Howard said he gets the feeling that's the way Ronnie talks during sex. Howard let that clip play through and the guy was talking way too much for him.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that these people are crazy. She said she would never sleep like that. Mariann said that she's getting a row of seats at Radio City for the fans. Howard said they're right down the street from there. Howard said they already have the marquis up for America's Got Talent. Mariann said that she got a sneak peek last week. Howard said that he had a choice of two dressing rooms. He said his assistant thought that he would like the one that was far away but he'd have to share a bathroom with Howie. Howard said he doesn't want to share the bathroom. He said he doesn't want to hear Howie's people in his dressing room either. Mariann said she has a new gown but Howard was ignoring what she was saying.
Howard said that Howie is an odd guy. He said he can't handle being alone. Mariann said that she may have Colin Quinn sitting in her row. Howard ignored her again. Howard said he just wants to go to his room and chill when he's back stage. Robin said she doesn't understand people who have people in their dressing room. Howard said he has to be alone. He said he has to do his meditation and be alone. Howard said he can't wait to give it all a rest. Robin said she's heard that some people are energized when they're with people. Howard said Howie loves people and loves to talk.
Mariann said that Howie is kind of loud. Howard said he'll see Mariann at the show next week. Mariann said she'll be there with Colin Quinn. Howard hung up on her in the middle of a sentence.
Howard said that the live shows are 9-11 on Tuesday nights. He said that it's too much. Robin said that he knew he was signing up for this. Howard said he did but it still comes as a surprise to him. Howard said he can't stay up until 11. He said he's beat. He said it's going to be tough for him. Robin said he's taking Wednesdays off though. Howard said he is. He said he used up all of their vacation taking Wednesdays off.
Howard said he was thinking about Anthony Weiner and Elliot Spitzer running for office. He said that Weiner is one thing but Spitzer is another. He actually slept with hookers. Howard said that Spitzer must laugh at Weiner. Howard said that there are a lot of guys who are politicians like that. He said that Bill Clinton is one.
Robin said this is why we have to stop the jury system. Robin said the woman was talking like she had a videotape of the whole thing. Howard said the cops told Zimmerman not to follow this kid but he kept following him. Robin said that no one asked him to do that. Howard said he should have stayed in his car. Howard said he'd beat the shit out of him if he got out of the car too.
Benjy said he thinks that Howard is all wrong on this case. Howard told Benjy that he's not in the mood. Fred played the ''Into the Benjy Vortex'' clip as they were talking. Howard said he's not going there with Benjy.
Howard let Benjy give his thoughts on this case. Benjy said that if Trayvon took a swing at George then he had the right to shoot him. Howard said that there is no evidence that he was suspicious. Howard said he really doesn't care what Benjy has to say.
Gary came in and said that the operator told him not to follow the kid. Benjy said that the operator said they didn't ''need'' him to follow him. Howard cut off Benjy's microphone. Gary said that Ted Nugent is going off on Trayvon about the whole thing. He said Nugent is saying that the kid was a thug and things like that.
Scott DePace said that Zimmerman had a broken nose to prove that he got into it with him. Fred said that's because he stuck that nose where it didn't belong. DePace said that they don't know if he's ever followed a white kid. Howard said that he wants to know why the kid was suspicious. DePace said that he had a hoodie on. Robin said it was raining out so that's why he had a hoodie on.
Benjy was arguing and trying to make a point but Howard cut off his microphone again. Howard said that he has to control the world and that's what he's trying to deal with in therapy. Howard said he's like this on AGT when the other judges are talking. He said he can't believe anyone pays attention to the other 3. He said he's just not good with people. Howard said listening to Benjy is like listening to nails on a chalkboard.
Benjy kept saying Howard's name as ''H'rd'' so they pointed that out and goofed on him about that. Benjy was trying to argue for Zimmerman and saying that the kid may have attacked him because he was afraid. Howard said that they can't say why the kid was suspicious though. He said that the guy shouldn't have followed him. Howard said Zimmerman should have stayed in his car.
Howard and Gary said that they've been called the N-word in their lives. Gary said he was called a greasy motherfucker when he got into a car accident once too. Gary said he was called the N-word once because someone thought he was black. Howard said a lot of people are confused about what Gary is. Gary said Howard was too. Howard said he was and he's still not sure.
Robin said that she has never looked at Gary and wondered what he was. Robin said that she has thought about his accent though. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Joy Behar announced she was leaving The View and he figured he'd never jerk off to the show again. Howard said now Jenny McCarthy is joining the show. He said he can jerk off to her. Howard said he figured he'd have to jerk off to Barbara and Whoopi. Howard said they've definitely lost Jenny to the show. Howard said that she won't come on if she's on The View. Howard said she'll stop contacting the show now. Robin said it's like a drug addict who can't be with her old friends. Howard said she's right.
Howard said he was reading about a new Mercedes that has a $350 option for a device that sprays the smell of perfume in your car. Howard said he doesn't need that because he has Ronnie with his Mambo.
Howard said they had Howie Mandel on the show yesterday talking about the elephant he rented for his wife's birthday. Howard said he walked in and saw one in the halls there. He said it turned out to be Benjy in a grey suit.
Howard said that they went out on the street and asked people if the forgive Paula Deen. Howard played some audio of some people on the street talking about Paula Deen and her use of the N-word. The first guy said that she was just caught using the word and the only way to forgive her is to have her get fucked by a bunch of black guys with huge cocks. Howard said that's the only way for her to be forgiven. Howard wondered if she would do that.
Howard said he has some interviews Wolfie did. Howard said that he went to a convention for steam punk and Bronys. Howard said the Brony guys are guys who are into My Little Pony. Gary told Howard what steam punk is about and how they like stuff that looks like old steam powered stuff.
Howard played an interview Wolfie did with a guy at the convention. He asked what the difference is between a Brony and a steam punk fan. The guy said that was a very tough question. Howard said there are too many people in this world. He said he can barely hold it together with what he has to do with family and all of that.
Howard said that they have to get his computer fixed. He said that the screen blanked and the pause stopped. Howard said they should get an Apple computer in there.
Howard had to start the clip from the beginning. He let the clip play through and the guy was answering Wolfie about how tough that question was. Wolfie asked if he lives with his parents. The guy said he does. Wolfie asked if they like having him in the house. The guy said he isn't sure about that. He said his parents sometimes like to watch TV more than they like to listen to him. Howard said maybe he should get a job and get his own place. Howard said he doesn't know how he has time to do all of this.
Wolfie asked the guy to give his best impression of a steam whistle. The guy was doing it and making weird noises. Howard said he can't blame his parents for wanting to watch TV instead of talking to their son. Howard said all they do is stare at the TV trying to drown out their world. Howard said this is their baby they had high hopes and dreams for.
Howard played another interview Wolfie did with a guy about the Steam Punk thing. The guy explained what it's all about and he had a bit of a lisp. Howard said that the parents didn't bother trying to get rid of the lisp. Howard said that they can get rid of that. Howard played more of the audio and the guy was talking about how the Steam Punk fans like limbs that are made in a certain way. Howard said this is just weird. Howard said he can't believe there's a convention of these people.
Wolfie had that guy do his impression of a steam whistle. He was doing a ''Woo, woo'' kind of thing. Howard said that's a taste of the world of Brony and Steam Punk fans.
Howard said he wants to get back to JD and his collections. Howard ended up taking a call instead. The caller said that when Jenny McCarthy was on the show last time she talked about being a squirter. Howard said all of that is gone now that she's on The View. Howard said that they lost her to Jim Carrey and then to Oprah for a while. Howard said that she got a show on VH1 and became their friend again. Howard said that they have probably lost her to her glasses and The View. Howard said that on every appearance on The View she wears her glasses to ugly herself up. Howard said that for some reason women can accept her when she's in her glasses.
Howard said that Barbara Walters gave Jenny a whole lecture. Howard said she told her she has to refrain from squirting and talking about squirting. Howard did his impression of Barbara telling her about that.
Howard said he was reading about the Chinese woman who died after her iPhone blew up. He said he's not sure what's going on in China. Howard said he knows there are counterfeit batteries over there but he's not sure how that would work with an iPhone. Howard said that Whitney Cummings is there. He said they have to get to her after the break. They went to break after that.
Howard said Whitney is really good looking but she's really down on herself. He said he doesn't buy it. Howard said she has to think that she's a good looking woman. Whitney said her ego took a big hit when she did her TV show. Howard said NBC was really behind her with that show. He said they had so many commercials for the show. Howard said that she was out doing the road and then all of a sudden the show goes south and the ratings aren't what they expect. Whitney said that you can't go south with the ratings they have on NBC.
Howard asked what happened when the executives stopped kissing her ass. Whitney said the show really tested well. Howard said that they thought she was going to be the next Mary Tyler Moore. Whitney said that they maybe have had the show shoved into people's faces too much before it even aired.
Howard asked Whitney what she would do differently. Whitney said she wouldn't look at the monitor. She said that she had a break. She said that she was getting a lot of flack for her appearance. She said that the critics were one story but a few months into the show she was trying to make things good and perfect. She said she wanted it to feel real and honest. She said she was hung up on the pillows they had on the set. She said she was sleep deprived and had lost a lot of weight. She said she didn't even recognize herself. She said that she was skeletal. Whitney said she was dying. She said in the second season she was getting sick. She said she was only sleeping a couple of hours a night and had under eye bags. She said they had a meeting one day and the execs said she didn't have to be there. Whitney said that she went back to the office and there were closed door meetings going on. She said she sensed something was up. Whitney said that one of the producers asked if she wanted to get some sleep. Then she's shooting a scene and they were trying to get rid of the bags using lighting.
Whitney said that one day she was at a taping and one of the crew guys was new there. He told her that he works there fixing her face. Whitney said that he told her that he removes her under eye circles. Whitney said that he was an animator. Whitney said that if someone has to do that then maybe something is wrong. Howard said that he's not sure why they don't have that there on his show. Whitney said Howard looks more handsome as he gets older.
Whitney asked Howard if she knows how she and Beth met. Howard said he has no idea how that happened. Howard said he knew Whitney and then the next thing he knows they're going out to lunch and he's not invited. Howard said that Whitney came to town and didn't do the show but she hung out with Beth. Howard said he didn't want to become friends with her because she's attractive and he didn't want Beth to think he wanted to fuck her.
Whitney said that she didn't have radio growing up and she was really poor. She said that she hasn't known Howard as long as most. She said that she has only known him more recently. She said she was flirting with him and he was giving her compliments. She said she got a direct message from Beth on Twitter that day. She said she thought she was going to kick her ass or they were having a threesome. She said either way she would have been down. Whitney said she was so jaded and she lost a lot of friends when she started to get famous. She said it didn't make sense that someone wanted to be her friend.
Whitney said that she went to lunch with Beth and she figured she was going to shank her. Whitney said that if they had done the threesome thing then she would have thrown Howard out of bed and it would have been her and Beth. She said that she just loves Beth. Whitney said that she thought that they were going to be fake Hollywood friends but they got along great and she just adores her.
Howard said he isn't looking to share Beth but with Whitney he thinks he'd be okay. Whitney said that Howard and Pete can go off and do their own thing together. Howard said Whitney has a boyfriend now. His name is Pete Berg. Howard said that he tries to get romantic with her and she'll just stop it. Howard said that she makes weird faces. Howard said the guy is a great guy. He said he wrote Friday Night Lights and directed it. He said that the guy is super successful. Howard said she's going to fuck it all up so bad.
Whitney said she's a comic. She said she's trying to be a good girlfriend. She said that she's only ever vulnerable when she's on Howard's show. She said that being in love is hard for her. She said she has no control over that.
Howard said that Whitney is off her fucking rocker. Howard said she really is insane. Howard said Robin has to hear this. Howard said he wanted to get to know Whitney and her boyfriend. Howard said that Beth said she was going to spend a couple of days over. Howard said that was fine. He said it was the same day Seinfeld invited them over. Howard said they went to the party together and Whitney was throwing a glass at Jerry's wife's head. Howard asked what that's about. Whitney said she doesn't belong in billion dollar houses in the Hampton's. Whitney said she tried to behave herself. Howard said that he was at someone's house and she's throwing stuff. Howard said she can't control herself.
Whitney said that Jessica Seinfeld is a fun chick. She said that she was having a great time and she was wearing shorts. Whitney said that she was so under dressed. Whitney said she picked up the glass and asked how much it was worth and smashed them. She said she has a billion dollars. She was just joking around with her. Howard said she can't do that though.
Howard said Whitney came in when he was dancing with Beth. He said that Whitney tackled Beth and now Beth has a bruised wrist. Whitney said Beth is strong. Whitney said that she's a pig. Howard said they were at Jerry Seinfeld's house. He said he was sitting there with Pete and they were watching the girls dance. Howard said they were all hot. Howard said Whitney all of a sudden pulls off her thong. She had it down around her ankles and then threw it on a table and then she gets on the couch and rubs it all into the couch. Whitney said they needed a skid mark or two in that couch. Howard said everyone loved her out there too.
Whitney said they were hanging out at Howard's house and they were just there for one night. Whitney said that she knew she was in trouble when they were having the conversation about which one they'd be friendly with if she and Pete broke up.
Whitney said that Beth is so great. She said that she's so secure with the relationship she has with Howard. Whitney said that she usually feels she can't talk to a guy if he's with a woman. Howard said that she knows he's super faithful.
Whitney said that she's looking at Howard and Beth and it's very therapeutic for her and Pete. She said that she has so many fears and she just throws herself into the relationship now.
Howard asked Whitney what she's going to do now with her career. Whitney said that Howard should be her manager. Howard said that she has a hit show called 2 Broke Girls. Whitney said she's going to go write for that. Howard said he heard that she's going to be super rich from that show when it goes into syndication. Whitney said she didn't know that. Howard said he thinks she'll do fine. Whitney said her family will make sure she stays poor.
Robin asked how her sister is doing. Whitney said she's more than a year and a half sober and she's doing well. She said she's writing a movie about addition and what she went through with her sister. Whitney said that it'll be a comedy.
Howard asked if Whitney was fucking her boyfriend at their house. Whitney said that they don't fuck, they make love. Howard said that they gave them two sides of the house so they could avoid seeing each other shitting. Whitney said that she has not shit in front of her boyfriend. She said that she has in past relationships but now she's not doing that. She said that she's trying to make some changes in this relationship.
Howard asked Whitney if she thinks that Pete would ever cheat on her. Whitney said she doesn't think so but if he did, he'd come to her and tell her. She said that cheating on her would be the dumbest move. She said she would come on Howard's show and talk about it if he did. Whitney said that Pete is exactly like her. She said that they're the same kind of person and she would never want to date her. Howard said she has to stop saying that. Howard said he's a super macho dude.
Whitney asked if they should talk about the photo shoot they did. Howard said that if she wants to they can. Whitney said that she thinks that Howard has an amazing ability to take pictures. She said that he's great with it. She said that he makes people feel safe. Whitney said she felt she could get naked in front of him and feel safe. She said that she and Pete were intimate in front of him and it was something that they've never been able to do in front of anyone. Howard said he had Whitney and Pete just about naked in front of him. Howard said he's still working on the pictures.
Howard said that he came up with about 5 concepts and they photographed them. Then Beth jumped in. Whitney said that with that body she had to. Howard said he may have to put out some of these pictures. They show her in a different light and in a good way. Whitney said that he has to keep Photoshopping them.
Howard asked if she's on medication. Whitney said that she was on sleeping pills when she was working on her TV show. Howard asked what it was like to get that big break and have so much going on. Howard said that she had a sitcom and a show with Chelsea Handler and that 2 Broke Girls. Howard asked if the other comics started hating her. Whitney said that they did. She said that it was crazy because there was such a negative backlash. She said that it felt really personal. Whitney started breaking down as she was going through that story. She said she felt like everyone was against her. She said comics were against her and the critics were too. She said that critics compose like .001 percent of the viewership. She said she read a quote where they said that critics are like the reporters that go to the battlefront after the war has been won and they shoot the survivors.
Whitney said that the comics started being nicer to her after the show was canceled. She said she thinks that things changed when Patrice O'Neal died. She said they were all being nicer to each other. She said that she was living the dream but then all she wanted to do was get back on the road and tour. She said that's what she's back to doing now.
Howard said Whitney has model good looks and people are thrown off by that when she's a comic. Howard said that she's all of a sudden a very cutting and wise ass comic and people aren't sure what to make of it. Howard said she should use that sexuality. Whitney said that she is wearing her shorts just for Howard today. Howard said she looks hot today.
Whitney said that she was so sick that she was in the emergency room a bunch of times. She said she had something called Pluricy and something else where her rib cage was being pulled apart from her back muscles being so tight. Whitney said that she destroyed a relationship too. She said that she was living with a guy and she bombed that because of the time she was spending on the show.
Howard said he doesn't know how people handle their lives. He said he's so busy with his show and what he's doing that he doesn't know how people do it.
Whitney said that she's also an adrenaline addict and she's working on that. She said that she is in Al-anon because she grew up around alcoholics. She said that she has the same impulses that they do. She said that it's not good for someone doing a sitcom. She said that he was told by a doctor that she was killing herself doing that sitcom. She said she will go until she breaks.
Whitney said that it's very hard to do a collaborative show when you're a comic. She said that art can't exist when fear is the driving force. Whitney said that she is so self conscious about everything. She said she's thinking everyone things she's crazy. She said it was tough to write the show in 3 days and shoot it in 5 hours. She said that Louis C.K. is doing it the right way. She said that he gives it to the network when he's ready.
Howard asked if she's going to be able to pick herself up and move on. Whitney said she can. She said network TV isn't her thing though. She said that she likes to talk about sex and be honest about things. She said you can't even say ''Jesus Christ'' or ''Oh my god'' on network. She said she's working on something for cable now. Whitney said that they did 40 episodes so as far as she's concerned that's a success.
Howard said he saw a picture of Whitney naked that she sent to Beth. Whitney said that Howard has seen her naked more than Pete has. Whitney said this is sober behavior too. She said she doesn't drink so this is what she does when she's sober. Whitney said that she did a belly flop at a pool and took her pants off to do it. She said she sent it to Beth because she thought it was funny. She said Beth is great with that stuff. She said she may scale back a bit now that she knows that Howard sees what she sends her.
Howard gave Whitney some plugs for her web site and upcoming dates. You can find out more at WhitneyCummings.com
Whitney asked if they're going to be invited back to his house. Howard said he's not sure yet. He said he really did like Pete. He said that he's a great guy. Howard said they were hanging out and Pete showed him some boxing moves. Howard said that moved him. He said he has never had a man in his life that taught him anything. He said his father didn't teach him anything. He said that he only knew how to berate him. Howard said that his father never showed him how to play sports or box. Howard said it was great when Pete came over and showed him. He imagined that's what it would be like to have a father who teaches you that stuff. Whitney started to break down crying. She said that she fears that he has these qualities that she didn't have in her life. Whitney said that it moves her. She said it's intense. Whitney said she learned not to trust men and now she has someone taking care of her emotionally and teaching her things. She said he came into her life when she was having a manic break. She said that he taught her things. Whitney said that he came along and it was great.
Howard asked who she lost as friends when she got her show. Whitney said they were comics. She said she had a lot of people coming to her wanting to go out with her. She said she got paranoid that they wanted her because of the show.
Howard said a guy never questions that and just fucks. He said a woman is going to wonder why they want to go out. Howard said that everything was freaking her out. Whitney said that Pete was so smart about everything.
Howard asked what's going to happen if she breaks up with Pete. Whitney said she knows it's pathetic that she's crying. She said that Pete opened her up and she has never had this before. Howard asked if she's scaring him off with her emotion. Whitney said that she's going to therapy and learning to deal with it all. Robin said she thinks that they're going to get the real Whitney who is an amazing woman. She said we haven't gotten all of her yet. Whitney said that it is making her a better artist. She said that therapy is great because she's being more honest now.
Howard asked Fred how Whitney looks to him. Fred said she's an 11 on a scale of 1-10. Whitney said she's sweating like crazy so she hopes that's not making it bad.
Whitney said that Howard supported her before anyone else. Howard said they discovered Whitney there. Howard said that Jay Leno called Whitney after her show was canceled. Whitney said that she knows that Howard isn't a big fan of Jay's. Howard said he was a fan of his comedy. He said he had one interaction with him that made him not like him too much but they're doing their own thing now and doing fine without each other.
Whitney said that she was doing a show on E! and the show got canceled. She said that she didn't hear from anyone after that. She said that people don't know how to deal with that. Whitney said that Jay called her and he kept calling her. She said that she finally called him back and he told her that this didn't count. Whitney said that it was a weekly half hour talk show and that isn't even a thing. Whitney said that he told her not to feel bad about that. Robin said that's really nice of him. Howard told her to tell Jay to shut up. Whitney said that he's really supportive of comics. Whitney said that Jay is having fun with the Tonight Show now that he's going away. She said he's getting back to being a comic. Howard said he doesn't know why they're getting rid of him. He said it doesn't make sense to him.
Howard said he thinks that Letterman will leave within a year. Howard said Dave won't want to compete with Jimmy and Jimmy. Robin said maybe this is NBC's plan to get rid of Letterman.
Whitney said her show on NBC was doing pretty well and it wasn't that expensive. She said that it must have just been the universe letting her know something.
Whitney said she had a great time with Howard at his house. She said she's having lunch with Beth tomorrow. Howard said he didn't know that. Howard asked if he could be there if they had sex. Whitney said she doesn't think that Howard and Beth are like that. She said she's not sure why anyone would want to bring that into a relationship if they have a good relationship. Whitney said that she and Beth are going to have sex without Howard tomorrow. She said she can't believe Beth's body. She said that they make monogamy sex. She said she's been so afraid of marriage in her life. She said that you don't have to have less sex in marriage. She said that's what she's learning. Whitney said that they've still got this sexual thing going on 14 years into it.
Howard said that Whitney isn't wearing a bra today. She told Howard that she's on birth control so they're doing pretty good. Whitney said she didn't finish telling him everything she was on. She said she was on sleeping pills when she was doing the TV show. She said that she was taking beta blockers and she had a heart thing. She said that it was barely beating at one point. Howard said she must have been a mess when they canceled all of these shows.
Whitney said that she likes Beth so much that she feels like she's using Howard to get to her. Howard said he's glad that they're friends. He said he doesn't think he could be friends with her without it being weird.
Whitney told Howard that a lot of people are intimidated by him. She said that he's almost like Jesus when he walks into a room.
Howard asked what else she's on. Whitney said that she was taking Lexipro. She said that's an anti-depressant. She said she had to get off the sleeping pills. She said she lost her sex drive and just felt lost. She said she got off Lexipro and tried Aderol. She said that her brain was on fire. She said she had to start writing again so she took the Aderol. Howard asked if she's afraid to take all of this stuff. She said that she is but she had to get things under control.
Howard asked what kind of birth control she's on. Whitney said she's on the kind where you only get a period once a year. She said she gets really bad migraines now though. Howard said that stuff can't be good for you. Howard said the period thing has to make it tough to be around her. Howard asked why she would take that. Whitney said that Pete makes her. She said when she gets her period she gets really bad migraines.
Howard said he would never make Beth take birth control. Whitney said she forgot that Howard uses condoms. Howard said he would never want his wife to be on those pills. Whitney said she's not sure she could get Pete to do what Howard does.
Howard said that he's had it with Whitney. He gave her some plugs and said you have to go see her. Whitney said Howard is so far above plugging Foxwoods casino. Howard said that you have to go see her. Howard said she's on birth control and that's it. Whitney said that she's off everything but birth control. She said this is her personality sober. Howard said she has to calm down. Whitney said Pete tells her how she talks too loud. Howard said he has to love her for what she is. Howard asked if they fuck every day. Whitney said that he's working so they don't get to. Howard asked if he's able to last long with her in bed. She said he is. Howard asked if she can orgasm with just his penis. Whitney said she can. Howard said that's a good sign. Howard asked if he's over 9 inches. Howard said he heard he's large. Whitney said she doesn't measure it. She said maybe she has a huge vagina.
Whitney said that Howard and Pete got along very well. She said that was very cool. Howard said that he went on a bike ride with him. Howard asked if she needs a vibrator when she's with him. Whitney said she only does that when she's on her own.
Howard asked Whitney what she's wearing exactly. She said that she wore all of this for him. She said she's wearing Chelsea Handler's panties today. She said she felt comfortable enough to borrow them.
Howard got to see her boobs at his house and Whitney said that wasn't wired for her. She said that's kind of strange. Howard said Beth was there so she didn't care. Howard said Beth doesn't get jealous.
Howard said they said a lot today and maybe too much. Howard told her to call him if Pete breaks up with her. Howard said he'll talk her down. Whitney said she'll come on the show and reveal all of his secrets. That's what she's going to do. Howard said she's a crazy bitch. Howard gave her some more plugs and then went to break.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that was a great interview with Whitney. Howard said he appreciates her honesty on the show very much.
Another caller said that this couldn't have come at a better time. He said there's an older show on Howard TV where Ralph was behind the scenes and now he sees Ralph behind the scenes at AGT. He said that Gary must want to back him up with that. Howard said that it does seem like he's in every scene back there but he didn't think much of it at the time.
Howard said he wanted to kill Ralph yesterday. He said that they hadn't met in a couple of weeks and they had to pick out stuff for AGT. Howard said they were going to meet at 3:15 to 4:00. Howard said he got a call from him saying he had to go to the dentist. Howard said he didn't go last week when the tooth was bothering him. Howard said he needed him for 45 minutes on this one day. Howard said he came over after the dentist instead. Howard said he has one stupid appointment a week and he has to schedule a dentist appointment at the same time.
Robin said she was watching the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and she heard this song called ''God Will Fuck You Up'' so she pulled it for Howard. Howard played the song for her. Howard said he's not a big fan of horror movies. He doesn't like to watch them.
Robin read about a scout master who is saying that obese scouts aren't allowed to attend a meeting. Howard said that this is for kids and you can't ban fat kids. He said maybe they should work with the kids and try to teach them how to eat properly. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that.
Robin read about Lindsay Lohan getting a reality show on the OWN network. Robin and Howard spent a minute talking about that.
Robin read about Edward Snowden applying for temporary asylum in Russia. Robin wondered what it would be like being holed up in an airport for a month. Howard said they should ask Richard since he lived in a storage unit for years.
Robin said that Cory Monteith's autopsy results should be out soon. Robin said that the Westboro Baptist Church is saying that his girlfriend should kill herself now. Robin said that they have been blasting him since his death last week. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Sarah Silverman was at Jimmy's wedding. Howard said that's crazy talk. He said she's Jimmy's ex-girlfriend. Howard said that's the way it's got to be.
Robin read a story about Twinkies returning to store shelves. Howard said that's horrible. Robin said that people who eat them are saying they're not as good. Howard asked why that is. Robin said they changed the self life from 26 to 45 days. Howard said he loves junk food but he never understood those things. He said he can't believe they're back. Robin said they say they're a little more spongy like Angel Food Cake. Robin said they say that the changes were made before the company went out of business and it's not the new company that made those changes.
Robin said a detective novel that came out that got good reviews was supposed to be a new author. It turns out it was JK Rowling who wrote it. Robin said now it's shot up to the top. Howard asked why authors do that. Robin said she must be trying to get away from that persona she had.
Howard asked Robin what she thinks is the most searched porn word, MILF or Teen. Robin guessed Teen. Howard said that's what he would say too but it's actually MILF. Howard said that's the most searched word. Howard said maybe that's because young guys are looking for that.
Robin read about the George Zimmerman case and had some audio of one of the jurors talking about what she saw in the court and how she feels that he was on the 911 call after being beaten. Robin said this woman is known as juror B137. Robin said she's like a Bingo game number.
Howard played some audio of Lisa G's audio book that Richard and Sal edited. They had her saying a bunch of rude things and things about not having any black friends. They had her saying she's a dog cock lover. Howard said if you have a book, never read the audio. He said Richard and Sal will get a hold of it. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Jennifer Lopez performing for some of the worst leaders of the world. Robin said that she's made millions doing it. Robin said that after she left Marc Anthony she did a bunch of personal appearances and they were for some of the most evil people in the world. Robin read about some of the people she's performed for. Howard said she should have people to check on who she's performing for. Howard said the thing that pisses him off is that J-Lo saw him at Brad Grey's wedding and ran away from him. She has no problem performing for evil dictators in places like Turkmenistan but she'll run away from Howard Stern. Howard said maybe if he paid her she'd stick around. Howard said you know your career is shitty if you have to go to those countries she was in. Howard said it's kind of depressing. Howard went off on J-Lo for a few minutes about that. Howard said if he ran a country like Turkmenistan he wouldn't have anyone like that perform for him. Howard did an impression of what he thought someone like that would sound like. Howard said he's never even heard of Turkmenistan. He said it's no wonder J-Lo didn't know who she was performing for.
Robin read about Bud Selig talking about performance enhancing drugs when he was on David Letterman's show last night. Robin had some audio clips of him on Letterman. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read about how some people are asking San Diego's mayor to step down over sexual harassment claims. Robin read about what they claim he did. Howard said if you're going to force yourself on a woman don't jam your tongue down their throat.
Robin read about an NFL player that left a 3 year old girl alone in a car so he could go into a strip club. Howard said he didn't know you couldn't do that. Robin said the guy was in the Diamond Dolls club for at least 20 minutes.
Robin read about Randy Travis having some medical issues. Robin said he was in the hospital for heart failure but he's getting better. Robin said he had a stroke but the doctors are saying that he may have a long term prognosis. Robin had some audio of a doctor talking about how he's doing. Howard played one of his songs too.
Robin read about a man who was hurt in a fireworks explosion. Robin said this man bought 50 quarter sticks and as he walked toward his car he saw the bag was on fire. Howard asked how old this guy is. He wondered what it is with fireworks that makes people want to mess with them. Howard said when you're 12 you make bad decisions like this. Robin had audio of the guy talking about how he blew his arm off. Robin said half of his left arm is gone and he has vision and hearing problems.
Robin said that Robin Thicke is going to be there soon and he has a new song out now. Robin said it's called ''Go Stupid For You.'' Robin had Howard play some of that. Howard asked if he has any naked chicks in his video. If he does he'll watch it. Robin said she hasn't seen the video. Howard said he should have naked women. Robin said his new song is available July 30th. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:05am.
Jon said Howard was talking about how he isn't a fan of fireworks. He said JD isn't a fan either. Steve said he didn't know that. He said he likes them.
Jon said that Scott DePace is back in there for the second day in a row. Jon asked him about the video of Howard's swing. Scott said there is no way it was 300 yards. He said maybe 200. Jon asked why it's getting under the skin of the golfers there. Scott said it's not getting under his skin. Jon said Will is fired up about it and so is Rob Martin. Scott said it's obviously not 300 yards and it's not that easy to hit it that far. He said that he doesn't blame Howard.
Jon took a call from a guy who said this reminds him of the Munsters episode where Herman took up golfing and hit the ball into the next town.
Gary said that Howard said he hit at least 10 balls 300 yards. Scott said he has $10,000 that says there is no way he could hit it that far unless it was on concrete. Scott said he'll put up 10 grand to Howard's one dollar. Gary said that means he really believes in his bet. Scott said he knows he can't hit it that far. Jon said it would be so great if Howard just jacked one 300 yards out.
Gary said Stuttering John took on Tom Chiusano in golf and beat him. He said that John won and he ran around the course screaming after he beat Tom. Scott said that he would be thrown off so much if that happened to him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that hitting it 300 yards 10 times is crazy. He said that it would be impressive if he did that. Gary said Howard didn't say they were one after the other. He said it was a bunch of hits and some dribbled off to the side. Gary said Howard said he was hitting it to the yellow flag. There were no markers. Jon said that they say that the yellow flag was the 300 yard mark. Gary said he's hoping that Jimmy isn't messing with Howard and saying that he hit it that far as a joke.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that no driving range has a 300 yard marker. He said they should call the place and find out if they have a marker out there. Scott said Will is already on it. He said Will doesn't believe it went that far. Will hits about a 230 yard drive. Scott said he's about a 240 himself.
Gary said he went to the driving range last summer and he was hitting them pretty far but not very straight. Jon said that he has gone out and hit some balls. He said he thinks he could hold his own against these guys.
Will Murray came in and said that he's upset that Scott just said that he hits further than him. He said that's just not true. He said sometimes he out drives Scott. He said Scott has 70 pounds on him too.
Jon asked Scott about being better at everything than everyone. He said that Scott came in today and said he could strike him out any day of the week. Jon said he thinks that he's better than them at everything. Scott said he's just very competitive. Scott said that he was talking about his kid's baseball and he figured he could strike him out. He believes he could strike him out.
Scott said that Gary always says he's better than him at everything. Gary said that just isn't true. Scott threw out some things that he thinks Gary has said he's better at but they were things that Scott has said he's better than Gary at.
Jon asked Scott if he does anything for his kids he doesn't like doing. Scott said he hates going to the pool with them. He said he will go though. Scott asked Jon what he does. Jon said he's gone to Taylor Swift concerts. They went to a break a short time later.
Matthew told Scott to have Howard hit a ball and then give him his Video Caddy and see if he does better or worse. Scott said he knows he could teach him how to do better if he filmed it. Matthew said that one of his Stern dreams was to goof on Scott on the air so he can cross that off now.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he doesn't always agree with Benjy but today he did with the Zimmerman case. He said Howard just shut him down and he thought that was very close minded of him. He said he didn't think Benjy was in a vortex. He was just trying to state his opinion. Gary said he can answer some of that. He said Howard shuts Benjy down all the time. Jon said Benjy has earned that though. Gary said that Benjy goes in a direction that makes it shticky. Scott said that Benjy was right with what he was saying about what the 911 operator told him. Gary said you don't follow someone if the cops tell you not to.
Jon asked Scott who he was yelling at in the hall. Scott said that Gregg Karmel asked him about the case and then Mike Gange added to that saying ''You know why you're stupid...'' and that's when they had a discussion. He said it wasn't heated. Gary said it was because they could hear it in the office.
Matthew asked if Scott has ever lost an argument in his mind. Scott had to think about that for a minute. Matthew said he doesn't get the sense that he thinks he has. Scott said he's sure he has. He said around that place it's not easy to accept because you don't feel you got a clear shot.
Gary asked Scott if he goes home and thinks about an argument at work and thought he probably wasn't right. Scott said he may have thought about how he could have handled it differently. He said that he's not just going to flip around and say that those guys are right out of nowhere.
Matthew said that he's asking this question legitimately. Scott said he's probably wrong 50 percent of the time. Matt said that it depends on the way the ball bounces. Matt said that he has thought about something and changed his mind on something he's argued about.
Scott said that he's done that. He said that his kids had a bunch of errors in a baseball game and he was going to point them out but the other coach didn't want to do that. He said he thought about it that night and thought that the guy was wrong. He said the following game he gave the kids a talking to before the game. He said that it's the way it's done. He said he has to tell the kids what he thinks.
Gary said the one thing that he's learned is that there are coaches who talk to the kids like they're equals but they lose them. He said that the kids are 8 and you have to talk to them at their level.
Jon asked Gary what he thinks about the Zimmerman case. Gary said he thinks Zimmerman was wrong. He said that Will thinks that too but he can also understand why the jury went the way they did. Scott said he thinks that he should have done things differently. He said that doesn't mean he should be in jail for it. Scott said that things could have turned out differently. He said that he didn't have to get out of the car but he says he got out to see if the kid was doing something. Then the kid came up on him and that's when the fight started.
Jon said that it all comes down to reasonable doubt. Gary said that Will put a note up yesterday about Zimmerman's brother talking about how people should just shut up and let it be.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to know what Gary thought of the Carly Rae Jepsen video. Gary said it's just great. He said his son came home and said that he was all over ESPN. Jon said that everyone must have been tweeting him about it. Gary said he's surprised that his pitch is still so out there. Matthew said that he's not surprised. He said it shows the power of the show. They went to break a short time later.
Ronnie came in so Jon asked him what he thought of Howard reaming him today. Ronnie said he's been doing this stuff for years so he's not sure what the problem is. Ronnie said that Jon is the one who gets him in trouble all the time. He said he's the one who points this stuff out all the time. Gary said Ronnie just said that he was Mr. Party all these years and now Howard has come out and now he's Mr. Party.
Jon and Gary said that Ronnie's answer should have just been ''no.'' Ronnie said no. Ronnie said that he's always been the class clown and he would get in trouble all the time. He said that he's just having a good time.
Jon moved on to talk about Whitney Cummings. Ronnie said that she got out of her car and saw him waiting for her. He said she started doing dance down the street. He said he whole street stopped to see her in those hot pants.
Jon said that Whitney is enjoying the moment with Howard and Beth. Gary said that she was talking about breaking stuff at the Seinfeld's house just because they're rich. Will said he thought he heard that. He said that would piss him off.
Jon said that Whitney was also talking about how devastating things were when she lost her shows. Gary said he gets that. He said that she was the face of the channel for a while. He said they end up bailing on you and it has to be tough. Jon said that Whitney was also talking about how she got to be friends with Beth and how she wasn't sure if their first meeting was to kill her or to get her into a threesome.
Jon asked what JD was saying about the picture Howard showed him of Whitney. Gary said he doesn't know what's going on there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to comment about Ronnie. He said he doesn't think that Howard is trying to be Ronnie. Jon thanked him for wrapping that up for them.
Jon took another call from a guy who brought up what Whitney was wearing today. Gary said she looked really good. The guys said they were in the back talking about how hot she is and how hot Amy Schumer is. Ronnie was talking about what he heard about Amy Schumer and how she is in bed. The guys thought that was kind of creepy. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
Howard started the show talking about how he loves Rolling Stone magazine. He said he's talked about that a bunch of times. He said he woke up to a controversy this morning. He said they put the Boston Bomber on the cover of the magazine. Howard said it's very offensive to him. He said it truly is. Howard said that it's the picture you've seen all over. Howard said if it was Time magazine it's one thing. Howard said they're making this guy out to be a rock star. He said he's a cute kid and he doesn't take a bad picture.
Howard said he was watching video of a guy who lost both legs in the bombings and they were showing his rehabilitation. Howard said if you lost someone in the bombing to see him on the cover of Rolling Stone is just not right. Howard said he's been on the cover of the magazine a few times and it was such an honor. Howard said this guy does not belong on the cover. Robin said he's right. They're saying that this guy deserves to be on their cover.
Howard said this is sickening to him. He said that the other thing that was sickening to him was when they went out on the street and found out that women would date the Boston bomber before they'd date Howard Stern. Howard played that audio again where women were saying they'd date that guy. Howard said that's just not right. Some women said that they would date Howard but a lot of them were saying that the bomber was better looking so they'd date him.
Howard said it's crazy out there. Howard said he hates to glorify this kid in any way. He said this sort of makes him cool. Robin said this is what she was talking about with serial killers and mass murderers. She said they're attention seekers and this feeds into their neurosis. Howard said Mark David Chapman was the same. He said Yoko Ono wouldn't want to see him on the cover of that magazine. Howard said it just doesn't make any sense.
JD came in and told Howard that Charles Manson was on the cover of Rolling Stone once. Howard said he's not as thrown by that. He said maybe he should be. Robin said he is a horrible murderer. Howard said this Boston bomber kid is still breathing air and claiming he's innocent. Howard said he could have just gone to the police and said his brother was a nut. Howard said he went along with it so fuck him. Let him die. Howard said at least Manson was a musician. Howard said the Beach Boys wanted to sign him. Robin said it was just one of them.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that last night's AGT was one of the best yet. The caller said that the danger acts were great. He said they got crazier and crazier. Howard said he loved the tazer kid but he had no finish for the bit. Howard said Vegas week is his favorite. He said he saw the show in advance so he didn't watch it last night. Robin said she wishes she had the advance. Howard said it's too late for them. He said he passed out after going to dinner with Beth last night. He said that she wore a great dress and they went to Jean George for her birthday dinner. Howard said they got there so early that he asked if they had a blue plate special. He said they didn't have one at that place. Howard said the food there is so fucking great. Howard said he hadn't been there in a while. Robin said she hasn't either. Howard said they did some remodeling there. He said they just did it in April but Beth didn't think they had done anything. Howard said he was so happy he was right about that. He said he's very observant. Robin said it depends on what it is. She said he'll walk right past people he's known for years.
Howard said they got home and watched The Bachelorette. He said they were waiting for AGT to start. He said tonight they have another episode on. Howard said the new show is on at 9. Howard said it's his favorite. Howard said it's such a good vibe there in Vegas.
The caller said that little kid who slipped and cried made him cry. He said that the boy stepped on her dress and that's why he slipped. Howard said he wasn't that thrown by that. He said that the kid is really good. He said that she really freaked out. Howard said she has so much pressure on her.
Howard said the lady with the bowls got through even though she dropped one. Howard said he made sure that she got through because he could watch that every week. He said he was pretty pleased with the outcome. He said a few acts made it through that he didn't want to. Robin said that one opera group had to get a new guy. Howard said that was pretty risky. He said they had no choice. They had one member leave.
The caller said that the one girl at the end, the big singer, said ''The truth of the matter is...'' a bunch of times and it made him nuts. Howard said he told her to just calm down and sing. Robin said she hasn't seen her yet.
The caller said this season is so much better than last year. He said they cut out a lot of the nonsense. Howard said he wishes they'd leave in some of his comments but it is good. He said they're going live next week so that should be great. He said he's going to take advantage of his 30 seconds of time. Howard said Howie did that to him last year and took up all of his time. Howard said he told Howie that was bullshit. Howard said they flash a light to let you know you're time is up. He told him not to let that happen again. Howard said he likes working with Howie though. He said he's a good dude.
Howard said they have something lined up for him to do a grand opening for the show. He said he doesn't know when he's going to have a free minute to do that. He said they have to shoot some of the stuff at different locations too. He said they tell him that he has 30 days of work but it seems like a lot more.
Howard said he hates synchronized swimming shit. He said he doesn't get his way with everything so some acts got through that he didn't want. Howard said the swimming was actually pretty good. He said that the ladies swim with their heels on. He said it was pretty awesome actually.
Howard said that he got up early this morning and saw Beth sleeping. He said he wanted to stay there and do the same thing. Howard said she's going to wake up later and go to lunch with Whitney Cummings. Howard said he'd like to do that. Howard said he wants to have a great day like that. Robin said she looks at her cats and gets resentful. Howard said he thinks the same way. He said that he has a room for his parents at his house and the cats just sleep in there. He said the one cat gets under the covers and puts his head on the pillow like a king. Howard said he was in a shelter and now he's sleeping in his house under the covers.
Howard said they had some meetings about the channels and then they shot a special about the kitten adoption. Howard said that Beth cried in the show and she's not sure she wants it to air. Howard said they did an interview for that. Howard said that it's the loving side of Howard that you get to see. Howard said it rarely rears its head.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard shouldn't have to explain to Mel B how to be a judge. He said all they really need is Howard's opinion. Howard said he tries to do that but they don't listen. Howard said he must know something they don't so he tells them that. He said that he's got the bigger career. Howard said Howie, Mel B and Heidi all do their social media during the show but he sits there doing his job. The caller said he loves Howard on the show.
The caller asked if he could get tickets to a live show. Howard asked Gary if he can do that. Gary said he'll see what he can do.
Howard said they want him to do a walk through at Radio City. Howard said he's just going to show up on Tuesday. He said they tell him he needs to see it before then though. Howard said he could end up getting lost over there. Howard said he decided to wear men's underwear, briefs, and his balls are all restricted. He said he has to adjust. Howard said it's not comfy or cool. He said that he's lost so much weight. He said that they must all be jealous.
Howard said he'd love to have abs. He wondered if that's possible at that age. Robin said she saw Montel Williams on a show yesterday and he looks better now than he has in his whole life. Robin said Howard should get out there and start working out. Robin said he had some kind of abdominal machine that he was showing. She said that's why he's so svelte. Robin said Montel is selling that and selling loans. Gary said he's selling pain medication and cookware too. Robin said he's selling something to get rid of your belly fat too. Howard said that's got to be the lowest part of show business. Howard said Kim Kardashian has to be down there too with her lack of talent.
Howard asked what's worse, to be Kim Kardashian or selling shit. Gary said he thinks it's selling shit. Robin said she doesn't know about that. Gary said Montel can't believe in everything he sells. Howard said he thinks he'd rather have a reality show. Gary said selling shit is just selling shit. He said that Kardashian must have something.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that guy who was pouring gasoline all over himself was like what the fuck. Howard said that before they go on they have to warn them about what's happening. He said they had fire trucks and EMT people there. Howard said that they have to line all of that stuff up first. Howard said it's crazy. The caller said he watched the guy at the arena when they were there. Howard said his mom doesn't like that guy. Howard said she told him that she didn't like two of those acts. He did his impression of her telling him that she didn't like the guy who climbed up the pole because he has a son and he could have died doing that. Howard said he told her that the guy wasn't in danger at all. He said it was all a trick. Howard said she didn't like the girl getting flipped around either. Howard said she thought it was wrong of them to do that.
Robin said that she thought it was so sad when Howard said he felt like a little boy when Whitney Cummings boyfriend thought him how to box a little bit. She said that was very touching.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she has a question that none of the staff can answer. She said it was about a guest that was on the show. Howard said he thought he could answer it but then he said he forgets everything. The caller said that a guest came on the show and he showed his penis to Robin and the whole staff. She said no one heard Robin say ''Hey what are you doing later?'' She asked who that was. The caller said she could tell them who it was but no one there would know it. Howard asked who it was. The caller said it was Mark the Bagger. Robin sounded shocked. Howard said that's so disturbing. He thanked the caller and let her go.
Howard said yesterday he played some Steam Punk Convention clips. Howard said this is a convention for people who are into steam powered stuff. Howard said that they went up to one guy and asked him to do an impression of a steam train whistle and this is what he did. Howard played the clip of the guy going ''Woo, Woooooo...'' Howard said they took that and made a call to Swap Shop. Howard played the call and Sal and Richard said they had a model train set that they wanted to sell. They fired it up and played the guy making that ''Woo, Woooooo'' sound. The host hung up on them. Richard called back and played the sound again when he was trying to sell something else. They kept calling back with the same ''Woo, Woooooo'' sound. The host said they were going to get their caller ID and take care of that.
Howard said he likes when the host thanks them for showing their true colors. Howard said it didn't sound like he appreciated it.
Howard said they're thinking of starting their own swap shop on the channel there. Howard said that they know it won't be any good unless they have one of the real guys with the jingles. Howard said not one host will return their call. Howard said they think it's a goof. Howard said they convince them that they really want to employ them and start this. Howard said that they only got one response for someone who really wants to do it. Howard said it would be really cool to have something like that. Howard said they can have Ass Napkin Ed call in and trade with Jeff the Drunk. He said that it can't be easy to run something like that though.
Howard said there's a mayor in San Diego who is in a sex scandal now. Howard said he allegedly made some unwelcome advances to a few women. Howard said he must be such a stud that he just says ''Hey, I'm going to fuck you.'' Howard said the guy won't resign so far. Howard said in San Diego they must be uptight and want him out. Howard said that there in New York they don't care that much about sex scandals.
Howard said he was reading about a sexual lubricant that's Kosher. Howard said that means that a Rabbi blesses it. Howard said there is kosher Coca Cola and things like that. Howard said it's kind of like magic beans. Howard asked Robin if she gets wet when she sees a guy in a Tzitzit. That led to Fred playing Gilbert Gottfried singing a Yiddish song. Howard said that reminds him of his childhood. He said that's the kind of stuff he had to listen to as a child. He said it was so much fun being a child. It was torture.
Howard said that things have gotten so much better. He said they have some good guests coming in soon. Alec Baldwin is one. Howard said they have the Hottest Chick, Biggest Fan contest, Cee-Lo Green, Robin Thicke and more. Howard said Robin is going to dance naked during the Robin Thicke song. Gary said Mel B is going to be in too. He said Metallica is going to be coming in and performing two of their classic songs. Howard said he's rally exited about that. He said he can't wait for them to come in and play live.
Fred played some audio of Mark from Mark and Brian saying ''Eat all of my balls'' and some other things. Howard said that he thought those guys were kind of effeminate. Howard said he didn't know they were so masculine.
Howard said he still hasn't seen Sharknado. He said he has to get a hold of that. Howard asked if they have really cheap effects. Robin said she isn't sure. Robin said she's trying to figure out how they did it too. Howard said he's not sure how you get sharks to work with Tara Reid and Ian Ziering. Howard said that the movie is on SyFy tomorrow night. Howard said he might have to tweet live during the movie. He said Beth probably won't like that. He said he may have to sneak away. He said he eats dinner at 7 so he may have to rethink that. Howard said Beth likes to get dressed for dinner. He said they try to make it a nice thing. He said he has to figure out how to tell her he wants to eat early so he can watch Sharknado.
Howard said Stevie Wonder has said that he will never go to Florida again as long as they have that Stand Your Ground law. Howard said Florida has figured out that they'll just tell him he's in Michigan.
Howard said the intern at the NTSB who confirmed the Asiana airlines names has been fired. Robin said that usually no repercussions are taken on that kind of stuff. Howard said his boss Dick Hertz had to fire him. Howard said that he could listen to the clip of the TV station reading those names all day long. The names of the pilots were We Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk, Sum Ting Wong and Bang Ding Ow.
Howard said they're saying that this kid Cory Monteith was doing heroin when he died. Howard said that they're saying that the new season of the show Glee is going to be delayed a few weeks. He said that's the only good thing to come out of his death. Robin said that she was reading about how he had a double life. Robin said he never went to the set high but when he was up in Vancouver he was getting high.
Howard said he was hoping that Sal and Richard were behind the Ho Lee Fuk prank. He said that no one is taking credit for it though. Howard said that they have done some crazy stuff though. He said that they did this one where they called a Tradio show and the host read names like Anita Hanjob. They also read Gabe Athouse. Howard said that's pretty good. Howard played another one where they read names like Lou Skunt. Howard said that they must not listen to what they're saying. Howard played more of the audio of the host reading fake names like Norma Skock. Howard said the entire auction is them. He said that it's all fake names. Howard let the clip play and the guy kept saying Lou Skunt. Howard wondered how many times he was going to repeat the name. The guy read one name which was Dixie Rect. Howard laughed at each of the names the guy read.
Robin said she walked into a room the other day and heard people talking about Howard. She said they were talking about the 14th street bridge call that he never made. Howard said that no matter how many times he says he didn't get fired over that, people keep saying he did.
Howard asked Sal and Richard how they get all of those great names on Tradio. Richard came in and said they just call in and give your name and they read it. Howard asked if they came up with the names on the fly. Richard said they have a whole list. Richard said he has the list on his phone. Richard said one of them is Tee Nanal. He said that they catch that one somehow. Howard said maybe Ti Nanal would work. Howard said it's pretty good when they screw it up. Richard said the birthday call Robin was talking about is up there now.
Howard played the Swap Shop clip and Richard said that his parents actually use that service. He said they get a lot of Taco Tico coupons. Howard asked how you get a break on those things. Howard said if it's 25 bucks then it's 25 bucks. Richard said you get like 5 bucks off. Richard said that you have to drive to go pick it up so it may not be worth it.
Howard played the prank call where the host of the show read a bunch of fake names like Curly Pubes. Howard cut it off and asked how they read that and not know it's a joke. Howard played more and they read Eaton Beaver. Howard asked Gary why he was in there. Gary said he was going to tell him something but he was just going to leave.
Gary said that Richard made prank calls as a kid and they ended up getting called to the radio station. Richard said he didn't go but his friend did. He said his friend snuck in a recorder and he has the tape of the guy yelling at his friend. He said it was the program director at the station who yelled at him. Richard said that his friend was bragging about it to people and the program director heard about it and called their parents. He said the guy yelled at his friend and asked if he knew this guy Richard Christy. Howard asked if he has the tape. Richard said he does but they could never play it. He said the guy is pissed about it to this day. Howard told him to ask the guy so he can try to get it on the air. Richard said the guy is still there at the station. Howard asked the guy to please let them play it on the air. Howard said he has to hear it.
Howard played more of the names that the hosts were reading. They were reading stuff that Richard and Sal were trying to sell. They had some fudge packers and a hand jack by Jack Off and things like that. Howard said that was every dirty name they got on there. Richard said he's in tears when he hears names like that. Richard said he was crying when he saw that Asiana airlines thing. Howard said he was pissed that they weren't the ones who came up with that.
Howard saw that they had a prank call that they made to Gary years ago. They pranked Gary about booking Metallica on the show. Howard played that call and Sal called Gary telling him that Metallica was in town and they wanted to come on. Sal did his Horse Tooth Jackass prank back then. Sal said they have a database of names for those phony phone calls. Howard asked for the name they're trying to get on the air. Sal said they wanted to get on Herb Eversmells and Gabe Oytoucher. Sal said they want to get on Dick Sinbetweenherlegs too.
They had clip of Riley Martin saying something funny and that led to Howard saying that Riley made a weird sound on the show the other night. He played a clip from Riley's show where someone made a really odd noise while Riley was talking. It was probably Eron.
Howard played some prank names that were read on Regis and Kelly. They read things like Fon Del Majunk. Richard said that one of the best ones was Bill O'Reilly saying ''Jack Meyhoffer.'' They didn't do that one but they started using the name after they heard it.
Howard said that he put together a seminar where they're going to talk just phony phone calls. Howard said that he was thinking about how they should just brainstorm phony phone calls. He said they're going to have a whole day of that lead by these two idiots. Richard and Sal said that's their thing.
Sal said that when he was a kid he used to prank call his religion teacher. He said the cops found out about it and showed up. He said that his dad jumped on him and the cops had to pull him off of him. He said that the cops figured it was settled after that so they let him go. Sal said his dad took him out back and the cops came when his mom started screaming.
Sal said that he doesn't know what he was thinking calling his religion teacher. He said he was calling from a pay phone next to his dad's pizzeria. He said that was a bad idea. Richard said it doesn't even sound like a prank. He said it sounds like he was turned on.
Howard said he used to call a pharmacy and ask if they had scumbags and the guy would play along with it and say he did. Richard said they're going to take the audio of Howard talking about this and make some prank calls with it. Howard was doing a voice like he was a little kid.
Sal said he once called a mental health clinic and conference called his father into it. He told the clinic that his father thought that the pizza place was still there but it had burned down 15 years before and his wife died in it. He said that the woman thought that he was out of his mind and his dad had no idea what was going on.
Howard said that the conference call thing was great for the phony phone call business. Sal said he used to call Chinese food places like that all the time. He said he'd put them on the phone with each other all the time. Howard said Sal put in his 10,000 hours before he even started working there then.
Richard said his dad used to leave the phone off the hook when he got prank called. He said back in the day if you did that then the other person couldn't hang up. That's how his dad would catch people.
Sal said that he knew a guy who had a Gyro shop that they pranked and the guy flipped out so bad that he banned them from the shop when he found out who did it.
Howard said they could do this all day long. Howard said it was like a walk down memory lane. Howard said that he loves the image of Sal's dad beating the shit out of him. That led to Fred playing some clips of a scuffle going on.
Richard said that they got a cool phone system when they got there. He said that it blocks the number so no one can use caller ID on them.
Howard asked how they can get cunt lips on the air. Sal said they can't. Howard said that they could try Cox Ucker. Howard told the guys to get back to work in that dungeon they work in. Howard said he's not paying them to be on the air. Howard said he has to crack the whip on them sometimes.
Howard said they're really going to do this brainstorming thing for phony phone calls. Howard said Sal and Richard looked at him like they were all excited. Howard said it is a good idea. He said it'll be a giant jam session.
Howard said he really has to take a break here. He said he's not sure how someone like Kelly Ripa does just one hour. Howard said they're there all day long. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and did some sex talk to the song that was playing. Howard said that he was feeling sexy. Howard said he loves that guy.
Howard said this Leah Remini fascinates him. He said she quit Scientology. Howard said a couple of years ago the leader of the Scientology church was at a wedding and Leah went up to talk to him and asked where his wife is. Some other guy told her not to ask those types of questions because she doesn't have the ranking. Howard said she was on the King of Queens so she must have the ranking. Gary said she's been a member since the 1970s. Howard said they got upset about her questions so she quit the church. Howard said he thinks that everyone should quit all religions. Robin said she finally realized that Scientology is ridiculous.
Ward said now the church is upset and Kirstie Alley is telling everyone to unfriend Leah on Facebook. Howard said this is very childish. Robin said it's kind of like the Amish shunning someone. Howard said that if someone quits your religion, who gives a fuck? He said they really seem to care over there.
Gary said that Howard is mentioned in a lot of the articles about Leah since she talked about it on the show when she was on. Howard said that he wants her to come on now to talk about it. Howard said if you're smugly sitting there thinking your religion is better than Scientology, you're wrong. He said they all have things like this going on.
Howard said that the only people who have it right are the black churches. He said they dance and sing there. He said he loves that. Robin said that's the worst. She told Howard just to imagine that was his Sunday, every Sunday. Howard said it would never be his Sunday. Howard said he was in religious training and learning a dead language. He said it's fucking insane. Howard said he should have been able to emancipate himself from his parents and live in the woods with a wolf.
Howard said it sounded like Whitney was into hooking up with Beth but then she took it back. Howard said he doesn't think he could ever make that happen. He said it might be kind of fun. Robin said that he probably wouldn't enjoy it. Howard said she might be right. Howard said if they pushed him off to the side he'd be upset. Howard said he has to be the focal point.
Howard read an email about the Billy Corgan song Fred played yesterday. Howard said that it was a great song. Howard read another email about JD's safe and how people want to know what else is in there. Someone said that he probably has a collection of Underoos in there too.
Howard talked about the collections that JD has and goofed on him about that. He was doing an impression of JD talking about that. Gary said that Jason put up pictures of some of JD's spoons on their Instagram account. Howard checked out some of those pictures and asked JD about one of them. JD didn't know what this Apple Barn spoon was from. He said it was something like a restaurant. He said it might be more than a restaurant though. Howard questioned him about it and JD said he didn't remember. JD said he was a kid at the time. He said the spoon was kind of cool because it had an apple hanging in the middle of it. Howard told him to throw it out. JD said it's part of his stuff. Howard said it's junk. He said it's just shit.
Howard told JD to just clean his shit out. He said he doesn't need that stuff. Howard said that JD doesn't remember anything. He said that it's a crazy conversation they're having around there. Howard said that JD can't communicate. Howard said he walks by his office in the morning and JD will just grunt at him when he says good morning. Howard said that JD will say ''I'm just trying to get my work done for you!'' Howard said all he said was hi. JD said he said hey back. Howard said he sounds like Frankenstein's monster though.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she likes JD but she asked him out like 5 times and he turned her down. She said that he just wants to Facetime and things. Howard asked what's cool about him, the spoons or the baseball cards. The caller laughed. Howard asked if JD knows who this girl is. JD said he does. Howard said she blew High Pitch or something. Her name is Laura. She said she didn't blow him. She said he's just his friend. Howard said she has to be odd if she's friends with High Pitch. JD said she's nice and cute but the High Pitch Eric thing is so odd that he can't get past it. Howard said it would be trouble if he fucked her. Howard said he has to avoid that.
Howard asked if she's hot. Laura said Howard thought she was hot when she met him. Howard said he doesn't remember her. JD said there's some Amy Fisher in her face a little bit. Laura said she's normal and she has a regular job. Howard asked why she's so desperate for JD. She said she likes him. She said she would have sex with him. She said she doesn't have a boyfriend. Howard asked JD if he has ever thought of calling her. JD said he does. He said she has boobs that are big enough.
Howard said he needs to see a picture now. Laura said he saw her years ago. Howard said he knows that but he doesn't remember. Howard asked if she's ever stalked anyone. Laura said she hasn't. Fred told JD to just throw her a bone. Howard said she sounds kind of nutty. Laura said she's not nutty at all.
Howard asked Robin what she thinks. Robin said she's a little torn. She said she would lean more no than yes. She said she's saying that because of the little bit of craziness. Howard asked if she'd be okay with it if JD had sex with her and never called her again. Laura said that she doesn't think JD would do that. She said she can handle it if he does. Howard said he's a guy, he will do that. Howard asked what happens if she gets knocked up. Does she have the kid or give it up for adoption. Laura said she would take the morning after pill or something like that. She said she's never done that but she would.
Ronnie came in and said that he knows who she is. He said she's kind of cute. He said she might be a 5 or 6. He said the only thing that scares him is that she's a major fan. He said she shows up at everything. He said she is kind of a stalker in a way. Laura said she only went to 2 block parties. Ronnie said that he didn't say she was a stalker. She's just ''kind of'' a stalker.
Laura said she's been listening to the show since she was 8 years old. Howard said she has the biggest boobs he's ever seen. She said she's just a DD. She said she's like a Jersey 7. Howard asked if she would date Steve Brandano. Laura said she probably wouldn't. She said that she likes JD and thinks he's kind of cute.
Howard asked Laura if she did anything sexual with High Pitch. Laura said no way in a million years. She said she's just friends. JD said that this phone call didn't help things. Howard said she's desperate for him. JD said he'll have to see. Laura said she hasn't had sex in a year since she broke up with her boyfriend. Howard said that he should let her blow him. JD said that there was a time in Atlantic City where he tried to get her into his room and she didn't go up. Laura said she's not a cheap slut. She said JD didn't want to hang out in the bar with the fans. Laura said that JD just wants to have computer sex. She said she's really not into that.
Howard said that Laura is very chatty. She said it must be the Jew in her. Howard asked if she's into anal at all. She said she can be. Howard told JD that he should give her a chance. JD said if anything does happen it will be in private. Howard said he would date a girl he met on the show. JD said it's just a weird thing. Howard said that he should just do it.
Howard said she's up for anal and blowing him. He said she's up for anything. Gary said he thinks that JD should stay away from her. He said that she would probably call the show and let them know what's going on. Laura said she wouldn't but JD pointed out that's what she just did.
Gary said next week they're doing the Hottest Chick/Biggest Fan contest and all of the women have had contact with JD in one way or another. Gary said that he knows JD's move now. He said that JD sends people a birthday greeting on Facebook. Gary said they've all had an interaction with him in some way. Gary said he throws a lot of hooks in the water. JD said he doesn't go out much. Howard asked how he asks them out on Facebook. JD said that he'll do Skype or Facetime with them. He said he barely goes out and the when he has they haven't gone well.
Gary asked if JD has ever had Skype sex. JD said that of course he has. Howard said that he's taking advantage of the technology. Gary said 20 years ago he would just sit in his room and be lonely. Howard asked what the girls do for him. JD said that he won't say exactly what. He said they will show their tits and stuff. JD will jerk off to all of that.
Howard said there's a lot going on in his apartment. JD said he really hates these slow days. Howard asked if he uses that computer he gave him. JD said of course he is. He said he uses his iPad too. JD said he has an iMac that Howard gave him too.
Gary said that he has some pictures of a girl who was on a reality show that he went out with. JD said it was barely a date. He said he met her in a hotel. Howard checked out some of the pictures of the girls JD met in Jamaica. Howard said that some of the girls he got phone sex with. JD said that he has.
Howard said that he thinks that Laura would be kind of annoying. Laura thanked him for that. Howard said that he understands the High pitch Eric thing. She only sees him a couple of times a year.
Howard asked Laura if she would pay JD for sex. She said she wouldn't. Howard said that he's trying to get JD to break but he won't budge. Howard said that the problem is that JD seems to be angry at this woman. JD said he's angry for making this public. He said he told her what the deal was. JD said that he wanted her to come to his room that night at the hotel. He said she didn't come up. Howard said she just wanted to have a couple of drinks. JD said that he hung out with her before. Howard said girls aren't just going to come to his room and fuck him. Howard said he's not Bradley Cooper. Howard said even Brad goes to the bar to have drinks. JD said he had met her earlier on. Howard said he gives up. Laura said she does too.
Gary came in and told Howard about a girl who JD was trying to get that was way out of his league. Gary said that she was out of everyone's league. He said that she messaged JD and asked if he wanted to hang out and JD wrote back ''Are we going to fuck?'' and she texted back ''No'' and that was it. JD found out who it was and told Howard that there are a lot of girls who just want to be friends with him. Howard said that's the chance he has to take. He said that he can't just fuck. Howard said he must not feel the need to connect to anyone. He said maybe he should just fuck.
Howard did his impression of JD talking to a girl about the collections he has. Howard said it's not going well with Laura. Howard said she seems like a nice person. Howard let her go a short time later. Laura said goodbye to JD and said she loves him. Then she said she was kidding. JD told her to just hang up now. Howard said he'd be grateful if someone said she wanted to fuck him.
Howard said he can't believe that JD asked someone if they were going to fuck. Robin said she's worried about JD. She said she thinks he needs counseling. Howard said that JD has to learn how to talk to a girl. JD said he had spoken to her a bunch before that. Howard said he has to work it.
Howard said the guy is a stud and doesn't even know it. Howard asked if he has any dates lined up this weekend. JD said he doesn't. Howard said that he should tell Laura he wants to keep their date quiet. JD said he has told her that but look what she did. Howard let JD go after that. They played him out with a song parody.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he can't get out of his car because this is so great. Howard said that he's their best gust. Howard told Gary to book JD for next week. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that this is a great band. He said he thinks that was from The Houses of the Holy. Howard let the song play and said it's an instrumental but it changes at some point. Fred said it's like a minute and a half into it. Howard said this is when music was great. Robin told him to stop that. Howard recited some of the lyrics once they finally started. Howard said that's pretty good.
Howard said that he's got some things to play. Howard played a clip of a guy yelling Baba Booey while a reporter was at the All Star game in Flushing, New York. Howard said that same guy went from one channel to another and got out a few Baba Booeys. Howard said that he likes that they just go from camera to camera. Robin said some day they'll get someone who goes through the entire spectrum. Howard said Joey Boots has done that. He said he went from one camera to the next and he thinks he got 5 channels.
Howard said he had a clip of an Australian news anchor losing her place on the teleprompter. Howard played that and the woman was reading and lost her place and moved on to the next story instead of finishing the story she was on. She lost her place a couple of times and had to stop again. She said they were going to move on to another story. The teleprompter was still not right so she kept getting thrown off. Howard said he'd fire her if she was that big of a fuck up. Howard said that they could have gone to break if there was something wrong with the prompter.
Howard said he has audio of a pastor talking about how to avoid pornography. Howard played that clip and the pastor was talking about how it's not a matter of if but when your son will be exposed to it. The pastor was saying that people should destroy porn if they have it in their home. Howard asked why he has to suffer. He said he's not going to destroy the internet. In the clip the pastor was saying that a Christian should not have pornography in their possession. He said you should also check out your child's friends. Howard said all he wanted his dad to do was say good morning to him. He said he wasn't this involved with him. Howard said that he hangs around Ralph and Ross Zapin. Howard said he knows that they had porn.
Howard said when you're a dude anything can be porn. Howard said even an underwear ad is porn. Howard said he used to jerk off to Gilligan's Island when he was a kid. Howard said it doesn't take much. Howard played more of the clip and the pastor was going on and on about what you can do to keep porn away from your son. The guy was saying that it's sinful to have porn and your child will find it if you have it. Robin said that if the parents are into it then why would they want to keep it from their child. The pastor said that you may have to destroy your computer if you want to remain porn free.
Howard did his impression of the pastor and gave some crazy ideas on how to keep your child from seeing porn. He said you may have to blind your child to make sure they never see the dreaded porn.
Howard said he has tape of Kanye West telling off a Paparazzi. Howard said he has some audio of Suri Cruise telling off the Paparazzi and they call her a brat. Howard said that if you're chasing the kid around then you're the one who has to get a life. Howard played the clip and one of the guys called Suri a brat. The other guys called him out on that. The guy said he doesn't care. Howard said that at least one of the guys had some morals. The kid is only 7 years old. Howard said that the guy must be jealous of a 7 year old. Howard said that's pretty heavy.
Howard said Robin's box must have blown out. He said he doesn't mean that sexually. Howard said he thinks they're having a technical problem.
Michael said that they didn't like his first joke. He said it was ''Sorry I was late... my car blew a seal. Heidi, you'd know about that.'' Howard said that's pretty funny.
Howard said Benjy tells him that he has a joke about humidity. Michael said that it's not the humidity, it's the fact that his balls sweat. Howard didn't think it was that funny. Howard said that it's too bad he didn't make it in AGT. He said it would be hard to hit the buzzer on a guy with CP.
Howard said that he used to work with guys who had CP and they were really bad. He said they couldn't even speak. Michael said he just wants to let him know that 5 years ago he did a pilot for Comedy Central with Chris Titus and Bryan Cranston. Howard cut him off and asked if he can walk. Michael said he can. He said he was on the show. Howard said he know that but he can't remember.
Howard asked if his father protected him from porn. Michael said he sold his dad porn. Howard said he remembers that he's in pretty good shape compared to some of the guys he used to work with. Howard said that he used to go to the CP center after his mom told him he should volunteer. Howard said that he went down there not knowing what it was. Howard said his mom didn't even walk in with him. He said she just dropped him off and left him there. Howard said he walked in and the women stuck him in a room with a guy who was like the toughest case there. Howard said they left him in a room alone with the guy. Howard said they gave him some instruction and left him in there. Then the guy starts moaning. Howard said he was rocking so violently in his chair that he fell over. Howard said he fell on his side and he went running out of the room and found someone to help. Howard said they came to help him and got him back up. Howard said they put music on for him and as soon as the other people left the guy started moaning and freaking out again. Howard said he ran his ass right out of there after that. Howard said he was done.
Robin asked why his mother would do that to him. Howard said that his mother moved him to a black neighborhood because she said she wasn't afraid of black people. Howard said that he was only 11 when she did this. Howard said that she wouldn't let him get anesthesia at the dentist either. Howard said the guy would tell him to raise his hand when the pain was too much. Howard said that he wanted to be a brave soldier for his mom. He said he would raise his hand a few times but tried to keep it down.
Howard said he found out what the Apple Barn was. Howard said it was a fruit stand. Howard said that JD thought it was a restaurant.
Howard asked Michael what else he had to say. Michael said that he did a pilot with Bryan Cranston as a director and he was tremendous to work with. Howard said that was a hell of a non sequitur.
Michael told Howard he was at the Roosevelt CP Center too. Howard said that he should have been the one he worked with at the center. Howard asked if he grunted instead of talked at any point. Michael said ''No sir.'' Howard said he has to go. He said he's sorry he didn't make it on AGT. Maybe next year. Michael asked if he can come in one day again. Howard said he has to think about that. Howard asked Robin how he says no to a CP guy. Gary came in and said that he was on the show like 18-20 years ago. He said that the emails him very often about coming in. Howard said he could come in and play CP Twister. Gary said they don't have the room for him right now. Howard said that it's been 20 years so what can they work him into. Gary said Benjy knows him too. Howard asked how he knows him. Benjy said that he's in the comedy community.
Howard said that he has to tell Michael that he can't come in. Howard said that they don't have that many shows left to get him down there. Michael said he knows. He said he had a great time when he was there. He thanked Howard anyway. Howard said maybe he can get him into AGT. Gary said he doesn't think they have any tickets left. He said he was just kidding though. Howard said they can get Michael into AGT then. Gary said that Fitzsimmons talks about how funny Michael is pretty often.
Howard asked if he has a girlfriend. Michael said he is dating someone. Howard said JD can't get a girl but a guy with CP does. Howard asked if he wants to date JD's girl Laura. Michael said that he has a girl. He said that after every date he's still on yellow. Howard didn't get the joke. Michael said that in kindergarten the kids get graded with green, yellow and red. Howard said that's way too inside. Howard said maybe they can have Michael in as an announcer some day. Howard said he'll see him at AGT.
Howard said that Gary's mother used to work at the Roosevelt CP Center. Howard said that he has to have Michael tell Heidi that Seal joke. Howard said that he already forgot the joke. They tried to figure it out but no one was getting it right. Howard said that guy is a good dude. He said he remembers him. Howard said it sucks that he has CP. Howard said he should take a break now. They went to break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he bought Lisa G's book and he masturbates to her now. Howard played some of the edited clips Sal and Richard created using her audio book. The caller said that he loved the picture of Lisa on her book cover. Howard took that shot. Howard played more of the edited clips from her audio book.
The caller said he heard that Lisa consulted with Howard on what to put in the book. Howard said that's not true. The caller said that she has her tongue up Howard's ass so far that he figured she would.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Michael the CP guy said something really funny that they didn't hear. He said something about being the original record scratcher when Howard was talking about scratching a record. Howard said he missed that but it's very funny.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he was going to tell him the same thing the previous caller said.
Howard said this Sarah Plain is nuts but she's so hot he has to watch her. Howard said he has some audio of her talking about running for senator from Alaska. Howard said that should be against the law since she quit being governor. Howard said he would never vote for her. Howard said he could never live in Alaska either. Howard said he was going to try to be a DJ up there once. He said they were desperately looking for a DJ up there. He said he was so bad then that he would have been rejected. Howard said he got that job at WRNW and he sucked. He said he doesn't know what he was thinking. He said he turned down that job in Alaska.
Howard played more of the Sarah Palin audio and she was saying she wants to be part of the change. Howard said she was part of it but she quit. Howard said that she gets all confused with what she's saying. Robin said that she's like a beauty contestant. Howard said she'll never run for anything. She knows she'd lose. Howard said that she would never win anything. Howard said she would have zero votes.
Howard said that he would have sex with her. He said he bets that she's a firecracker in bed. Robin said she doesn't know about that. Howard asked what happened to her special kid. Robin said she's not running for anything so she's not passing him around anymore. Howard said his name was Trigonometry or something. Robin said it was Trig but she's not sure about the whole name. Howard said maybe Jenny McCarthy can cure him. Howard said he's happy for Jenny being on The View. Howard said she can't be Hot Jenny anymore though. He likes the Hot Jenny who can come on this show and talk about sex. Howard read a live commercial and then went to break.
Howard said Wolfie goes to these conventions for them and there are so many strange ones around. Howard said that there are people with too much free time. Howard said yesterday he played the Brony-con stuff and the Steam Punk stuff. Howard said Wolfie went to an Occult-con. He said he interviewed this demonologist. Howard said everyone wants to have super powers. Howard played the clip of this guy talking about what you sense when there is a demon around you. Robin said it sounds like he's describing Manhattan with the shit smell. Howard let the interview smell and the guy said that the shit smell is what you get when a demon is around. The guy was also explaining how a demon can enter you. Wolfie asked him what he does for a living. The guy said he works the front desk at a hotel actually. Howard said these conventions are scary. He said all of these guys end up living at home.
Howard said Wolfie met another guy who claims to have super powers too. He played the clip where Wolfie asked if he has ever put a curse on someone. The guy laughed and said he has. The guy was saying that he has been threatened so he puts a curse on them.
Howard said he's not sure how he's going to pull this off. He said they didn't consider the fact that he's up at 4 in the morning. Howard said they had the show at 8 last season. This year they didn't bother asking.
Howard said he may have to start drinking coffee again. He said he hasn't had that in a long time. Howard said he heard that Robin is Vegan again. Robin said she is. Howard said she's a pain in the ass. Robin said a few weeks ago she said she was going raw. Howard said he thinks she's nuts. Howard said he's going to tell her that this weekend when she's hanging out at his house. Howard said she won't even eat grains. Robin said they aren't good for her system. Robin said that wheat and rice are grains she won't eat. Howard said life is just torture for her. Robin said it's torture to eat that stuff for her. She said it's not good for her. Robin said that she will discuss this with him later. Howard said he's going to tie her up and keep her quiet. Howard said she won't eat soy either. Robin said that she only eats vegetables. Howard asked how you go through life like that.
Gary came in and asked if she's going to judge people. Robin said that she had a problem and this is what she's doing because of that problem. Robin said that she will cook other foods for people but she won't eat it. Howard asked who eats more, a hamster or Robin. Howard figured it was a hamster. Robin said that a hamster eats in its own dietary constraints. Howard said he may have to skip this discussion this weekend. Howard said Robin is hard core not even eating rice. Howard asked what she would do if she was on Survivor. Robin said that stuff just isn't good for her.
Gary and Howard asked Robin about some of the stuff she would eat. She eats vegetables and fruits and that's it. She won't even eat corn because it's a grain. Howard asked if he could make her a breadless pizza. That would be sauce in a pan. Gary asked if she'll do a 7 grain bread. Robin said she's not eating any grains. She doesn't eat that. Howard asked if she'd eat Zucchini bread. Robin said she would eat that.
Howard said that it's tricky with her. Gary asked what she eats at a restaurant. Robin said she'll have a salad. Robin said she can have spinach and things like that. Gary asked if she'll eat shrimp. Robin said of course not. Howard kicked Gary out and asked Robin to do her news.
Howard asked Robin what she had for breakfast. Robin said she had juice. She's having juice for lunch. She said she'll bring that to Howard's house too so he doesn't have to worry. Howard said he doesn't like all of this. Robin said he doesn't have to. Howard said he has to talk to her about this and let her know why he doesn't like it.
Robin said that Beth is in the paper today. Robin said that she's in the paper holding Leon the cat. She said it's in the NY Post. Howard didn't know that. Robin read what they were talking about in the article. Howard said they have their own kittens they're raising and adopting out.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Whitney was amazing yesterday. Howard said she was. The caller asked if Beth had a hard time with all of that stuff. Howard said Beth loves Whitney and she's going to lunch with her today. The caller asked if he can get tickets to AGT. Howard put him on hold so Gary could help him out.
Robin said there has been a lot of dog on dog violence lately. Robin said that a woman lost her Pomeranian to a dog attack and there's not much you can do about it when that happens. Robin said that this woman is trying to get a law passed that would make the dog owner responsible for the dog's behavior. Howard said that some owners don't do anything to stop their dogs from attacking but sometimes shit just goes down. He said he's not sure what the answer is for that.
Robin read a story about the second in command of Al Queda being killed. Howard said you never want to be second in command. It seems like we always get the second in command. Robin said he was killed in a drone strike in Yemen. Howard told Robin to see that movie Act of Valor. He said it's great because they go over and kill a bunch of terrorists. Howard said they don't even eat. He said they don't even have grains. He said it makes you appreciate our military. Robin said that the ''thank you for your service'' thing is getting a little trite. Howard said he has to figure out something else to say.
Robin said that Robert Downey Jr. is the man when it comes to pulling in money in movies. Howard said he had some turn around in his life. Howard said that he had drug problems and turned himself around. Robin said he brought home a lot of cash last year. Robin said following him on the Forbes list is Channing Tatum. Robin said that he and Steven Soderburgh put up their own money for Magic Mike. Robin said she read that he spent some time as a male stripper. Howard said that he can't imagine a more disgusting world than male stripper. Robin said Hugh Jackman and Mark Wahlberg were up there on the list too. She said The Rock is there too. She said that he defied all the predictions that he'd fail in the movies. Robin said Tom Cruise was at number 8 on the list. Robin said Leonardo DiCaprio, Adam Sandler, Liam Neeson and others were on the list. Howard said he loved Taken 2. Robin said she hasn't seen The Grey yet. Howard said that's a great one. He said the whole movie is about wolves chasing him.
Robin read about a woman who was chomped in half by a shark in the Indian ocean. Howard said he won't snorkel. He said he just looks at the ocean. He said he has snorkeled in the past but not anymore. Howard said if you want to be a real man get a tank of air and go under water. He said snorkeling isn't manly. Robin said this woman was in an area that was prohibited because of shark activity. Robin said that the friend of the woman could only watch as part of the body was carried away.
Howard said they really have to get a copy of Sharknado. Robin said they should have a screening. JD came in and told Howard what happens at the end of the movie. He said there was a shark flying in the air toward some chick and then Ian pushes her out of the way and Ian is attacked. Then you hear a chain saw running and you see something getting cut out of the stomach. He said Ian chain saws his way out of the stomach. Howard asked if he dies. JD said that's the only part he saw. He doesn't know how the rest of the movie is.
The Howard TV guys showed the scene JD was talking about. Howard said the special effects are really bad. They showed him pulling a girl out of the shark. Robin said that's a hell of a big shark. Howard said Ian is a hell of a good actor.
Howard said he has to rent a theater and have the fans come to see the movie. Howard said that he heard that Ian makes out with Tara Reid with all of the blood on his face. Howard said he has an idea for another movie. He said it's called an Ianado. The tornado picks him up and carries him around. Robin said she likes the Tardnado idea better. Howard asked the guys where that clip is. Gary said he has to have Sal put it back up. Howard had it a short time later. They played the clip yesterday. Howard said that he wants that movie made. He said he's going to direct. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin said that there is a new show called Ray Donovan on Showtime and it's already gotten the go ahead for season 2. Robin said it's a great show. She said she can't stop watching it. Howard asked if there's a shark in it. Robin said there are no sharks. Howard said he needs sharks in it. Howard wondered who wrote that Sharknado movie. Robin said no one did. Howard wondered who would win, Spider-Man or Sharknado. Robin said she's not sure about that.
Robin said that the show Honey BooBoo is returning and they're bringing out smell-o-vision to the show. Howard said he doesn't get that show at all. He said he doesn't find the humor in it. Howard said he's waiting for the season when she wakes up and menstruates and realizes what's going on around her. Robin said she won't last that long waiting for that to happen.
Robin read about Stevie Wonder boycotting the state of Florida because of the George Zimmerman trial outcome. Robin had some audio of Stevie making his announcement.
Robin said that George Zimmerman's brother is speaking out after the verdict. Robin had some audio of Robert Zimmerman talking about what his brother has gone through.
Ralph called in and told Howard that he saw Sharknado. He told Howard how bad the special effects were and how good Ian Ziering looked. He said he looks good for his age. He said the special effects are really bad though. Ralph said he's doing shows from Comic-Con this Friday at 12 and Saturday at 2pm on Howard 101.
Robin had more audio of Robert Zimmerman talking about how people should look at this case and think about what really went on there. Howard said he's not digging that guy. He doesn't want to be lectured by him. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Gary said that he got an alert from the Hollywood Reporter that says they're doing a sequel to Sharknado. He said it's going to take place in New York. Howard said he thought the first one didn't do that well. Gary said that it's probably because Howard has talked about it for two days. Howard said that the sharks say they won't work with Ian and Tara again.
Robin read a story about how Rev. Al Sharpton is calling for a day of justice for Trayvon Martin. Howard said he's dating some hot chick now too. Howard said she's in the paper and she's pretty hot.
Robin read about the heat wave going on in the northeast. Howard said he loves it. He wishes that people would shut up about it. Robin said there are people who don't have air conditioning. Howard said they should go to a hotel. Howard said his mother never puts her air on. He said that they don't like it. Howard did his mother's voice and talked about how she doesn't like to have the air on. Howard said he wanted to go visit them the other day but his mom told him not to come because they didn't have the air on. Robin had some audio of a doctor talking about what the body does to stay cool.
Robin said there were over 250 dead stingrays in Mexico. Robin said they're not sure where they came from or why they died. Robin said that some witnesses said that they saw fishermen dumping them there.
Robin read about Rolling Stone magazine putting the Boston bomber on the cover of the magazine and how much negative feedback they're getting about it now. Howard said that he doesn't understand that. He said it's such a great magazine but they're making the kid seem like a rock star. Howard did another live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Dick Cheney's daughter running for senate. Robin said she's 46 years old and she has a web video that she's put up announcing her run.
Robin read about air pollution and how it's causing people to die every year. Robin said that it may cause 2 million deaths per year around the world.
Robin read about texting and how you can get injuries from doing it. Robin had some audio of a doctor talking about how the injuries are similar to sports injuries. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:20am.
Jon asked JD if he has it in the back of his mind that these people might use him. JD said that some guys can do it and they're able to go out and pick up chicks. He said he isn't able to do it like some of them can. Jon asked JD if he tries to be honest and open with whoever he's talking to. He said he tells them how he is and how he isn't looking for anything serious at the moment. JD said he's very direct in that sense. He said some girls are okay and some would rather have a boyfriend or a relationship. JD said it's better than leading someone on. JD said he doesn't want to be accused of lying.
Jon asked JD about the time he asked the girl ''are we going to fuck.'' JD said he had been talking to that girl for a long time. He said that he thinks Jon was with him that night when he texted her. He said he just did it and she ended up being done with him. JD said that it wasn't a yes answer from her so that was the end of that.
Jon said that Mike Gange must be able to relate to this stuff. Mike said he can. He said that Ronnie will push you to sleep with anyone you can but he puts a lot of thought into it. He said he wonders if something is going to go wrong and bite him in the ass. Gange said that you always think about how you're going to get bit in the ass.
Gary said that if he had to date with what's going on today he'd be worried. He said back in the day when he was dating he just had to worry about screening the calls. He said today you have to worry about the woman tweeting. Gary said JD is doing pretty good for how many girls he's been in touch with. JD said he'd rather have a zero average though.
Gary said he got burnt once back in the day. He said that Howard made a comment about how they should do a dial-a-date with a girl who hasn't slept with Gary. Howard took a call from a woman who had gone out with him and she gave away all of his secrets. He said that she made him sound like a tool on the air.
Jon asked how big of an influence Ronnie is on them. JD said that he used to just get girls who wanted to be his friend. He said he put it up front that he's looking for more than just friendship and he thinks that he has to let girls know that he doesn't just want to go into the friend zone.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that girl sounded like she spends too much time going to Stern Show functions. He said that's just weird. Gary said he heard her talking about how she likes JD better than Steve Brandano. He said that the guys in the office think that she's into him because of the air time she would get.
Gange said that he hears from women who hate Gary and he can't hang out with someone like that. JD said he went on a date with a girl recently and she's a fan of the show. He said he can look past that but then she had opinions about the show and the people on the show. Then one day she said she doesn't like Beth. He said he can't date someone like that who has an opinion about someone on the show like that.
Gary told Bob that JD masturbates on the web. Bob asked if he's sure that they're chicks. JD said he is. Bob said he was at a friend's house once when he was on Chat Roulette and he saw a guy jerking off on that. He said that's not for him.
Gary told Bob about this girl who called in today and what was going on with her and JD. Bob said he should just meet a girl and just try to be a person. JD said he tries.
Gary asked Bob if he's dating anyone. Bob said he's 5 months single actually. Bob said he tries to meet someone through someone else. He said that it's hard to go on a date.
Jon said that the other fear they have is that the women are using them to get on the show. Bob said that's a problem so maybe they should quit the show. Gary asked Bob about what he'd do if the women were way too into Full House. Bob said that he's way to old now. He said he'd like someone to say their niece watches the show or something like that. He said that if they say their 28 year old loves the show then it's bad.
Benjy asked if JD is looking to get laid or get into a relationship. JD said it's more the first thing because he's not sure how he'd be as a boyfriend.
Gary asked JD if he has to like someone to sleep with them. JD said he does have to like them. Bob said maybe he has to just find a woman that he wouldn't want to introduce to his mother. JD said he's doing that all the time. JD said he's not looking to make anyone angry or sad. He said he wants to make people happy. JD said he's not looking for a specific type of person. Gary said he doesn't seem to want to put in the work. JD said it depends on who it is. Gary asked when he last had more than 3 dates with someone. JD said it's been a while.
Benjy asked Bob if Full House ever put out any commemorative spoons. Bob had no idea what he was talking about. They had to explain to him that JD used to collect spoons when he was younger.
Ronnie came in and said that he has seen JD with chicks. He said he knows he's getting laid. Ronnie said that the thing that happens is that he gets involved and he really likes her and then 3 or 4 dates later she's done with him because she has boyfriend or a husband. He said JD gets hurt by that. JD said he had to deal with that last year.
Gary asked if that's just a good way out for them and that's how they're getting out of the relationship. Bob said this process can't be helping him. He said if you're not looking for it then maybe it'll happen. Gary said he hasn't been looking for 15 years now.
Benjy said that Gange wants to get married and he's trying to find someone. Ronnie said that Gange could have gotten married but he let two of them go. He said he realizes it's too late once the girl has gone and found someone else.
Sal came in and said that he thinks Gange is gay. He said he's convinced of that. He said it's the way he carries himself. He said he's always with his mom and he's always struggling with these women that he almost marries but doesn't. He said that it's like a beard. He said he's doing it to appease his family. They spent a minute on that and Bob said that this is the greatest thing he's ever walked into but he really has to go. He got in some plugs and said he hopes that they end up finding what they're looking for. They went to break as they were wrapping up with Bob.
Gary said that he has a medical reason for giving up drinking. He has diabetes. Sal said he doesn't believe it. He said that Steve is a pecker the way he speaks and he's almost like his wife. He said he speaks like his wife does. He said he has that inflection that reminds him of a nagging woman.
Sal said that he hasn't done anything that gay. He said he did have a friend drop his pants so he could see his cock. He said he was 16 at the time. He said that was no big deal though. The guys got a laugh out of that. Benjy said it seems like Sal is looking for the love of a man.
Gary asked if he thought it was odd that the guy dropped his pants. Sal said it happened so fast that he didn't think much of it. Sal said that the guy did end up being gay though. Sal said all he did was say ''not bad'' when the guy showed him his penis. He said he felt awkward and showed his penis too. He said his friend nodded his head and that was that. Gary said if he was uncircumcised he'd probably be gay by now.
Gary said he doesn't think that Ralph is gay. Jon said he may be bi but he doesn't think he's gay. Gary said he thinks he's hetero. Jon said that Richard has some gay tendencies. He said that he could be bi too.
Sal said that there's a story about Fred kissing a dude. They spent a minute talking about that time he got drunk and had a gay guy on his lap. They went to break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he's surprised that Scott DePace didn't come up in that conversation. He said that he had the tranny on his lap. Gary said that Scott is the biggest homophobe that he has seen. He said that he loves that story about him kissing that guy at the bar. He said Scott still insists that he thought it was a chick so he thinks he kissed a chick.
Steve Brandano came in and said that he's not gay. He said he didn't get too worked up about what Sal was saying though. Jon asked if he thinks that Sal was projecting some of his own qualities there. Steve said he could have been. Ronnie said he jerked off in a room with a guy but they weren't looking at each other's cocks.
Jon took another call who said he agrees with the projecting thing. He said the purple shirt thing is projecting. Gary said that's a ridiculous thing to say. He said that the color of your shirt doesn't project anything.
Jon said that it doesn't matter how old you get, those names that Sal and Richard were getting on the air are always funny. Gary said that they still make him laugh his ass off.
Jon asked if Gary is looking forward to this prank call seminar. Gary said he is. He said that should be pretty interesting.
Jon said that they also talked about what Robin eats and how she was saying that she never tells anyone how to eat. Jon and Gary said that they've both had Robin tell them what to eat. Gary said he was drinking this drink called Naked once and Robin saw that and said ''Oh Gary, that's pasteurized...'' Gary said she gave him a hard time about drinking that drink. Jon asked if he's going to hear about that this weekend at Howard's house. Gary said he told Howard to order him double grain so he can eat what Robin isn't eating.
Jon brought up JD again and talked to Ronnie about that for a short time. Gary said that he thinks that maybe JD is just picking the wrong girls. Ronnie said JD is head over heels with a girl and he sees why he's so upset that he got screwed over. Ronnie said the problem is that it's happened more than once. Ronnie said JD meets these girls online and then meets them in person. Gary said that he's hearing that JD can't have a long lasting relationship with a groupie.
Steve said he hooked up with one girl who was a fan of the show and it turned out she was married. He said that freaked him out.
Ronnie said that girl who called in this morning was in Atlantic City with them. He said that she called or he called to get together for drinks. JD invited her up to his room for drinks and she could have gone if she really wanted to go. Gary said if a girl goes to a guy's room it's almost implying that she wants to do something. He said that she didn't have to but that's what it implies.
Gary said he brought a date to an event where Howard was at. He said that she had a boyfriend and she later told him she just used him to get to meet Howard. He said he'll never forget that. They had to end the show after that. They were done at 11:15am.
Howard Must Leave By 10. 07/18/07. 6:00am
Howard started off the show saying that he had to leave the show at 10 this morning. He told Robin she might want to start her news now. He said he had a commitment he had to get to today and had to leave on time. He played Robin's news theme so Robin read some news. She brought up a clip about the collapse of one of the girls from Destiny's child. The clip was up on YouTube but it was taken down. That led to the guys talking about YouTube and how they just let people put up anything there.
Howard said that they let people put Howard TV stuff up there and people can just download it for free. He said that they claim that it's like a big commercial but that's bullshit to him. George Takei said that it's simple thievery as far as he's concerned. Howard said that if they took all the Star Trek episodes, someone like George Takei could lose out on royalties and things like that.
Howard said that there's a bit argument going on right now about internet radio and how music companies are trying to charge them for the songs they play. Howard said that the record business has to make money and that's the kind of thing they have to do now to keep making money.
Riley Martin Show Clips. 07/18/07. 6:10am
Howard thanked George for coming in this week and mentioned he'd be there all week long. He then moved on to mention some of the stuff they had coming up today. He then played some clips from Riley Martin's show that aired last night. Riley was talking about his appearance on Howard's show yesterday morning. He and his partner Eron talked about what happened on the show. Riley said that he thought the show was asinine and rudimentary but he did have fun. Eron enjoyed it too. Riley went off on Howard for not offering to buy him dinner and he figured that he was blowing smoke up his ass about asking SIRIUS to give him more money. Riley said he still ''loves those kids'' on the show even after all of that.
Howard played another clip where a caller told Riley that Howard has helped all of the guys like Richard and Sal negotiate their contracts. Riley agreed and figured the caller was right. Howard said that caller sure knew how to get Riley worked up by telling him that. Riley went off on Howard and the cheap bastards at SIRIUS for not paying him enough money.
Howard took a call from a guy who said one of Riley's famous alien lines ''O-Qua Tangin Wann'' and George said he thought it sounded a lot like American Indian to him. He recited a line that he knew that was Indian and it did sound kind of similar.
George Takei Relationship Update. 07/18/07. 6:15am
Howard took another call from a guy who asked George where he slept last night. George said that it's amazing what 24 hours can change. He said he went home to Brad and told him he loves him and that he loved the fact that he was upset. It showed that he cared. He said Brad kissed him and then they went for a long, sweaty walk. They got back to the hotel and took showers. He said he wasn't going to talk anymore about that because it was very private to Brad. George said he will not talk about the sex stuff because Brad doesn't want him doing that on international radio.
Howard said that all of them have had similar discussions with their wives and girlfriends so they know what it's like. George said that Brad has met Sal and Richard and he thought that Richard was kind of cute. He said that he will not come in and touch his penis like Howard wanted him to though. George said that he and Brad kissed last night but that's as far as he can go with the discussion.
Howard said that after the shower he figures that George and Brad must have done something. He figured that George had gone down on Brad and had his face in his crotch. George said that Howard has a very perceptive and discerning mind. George asked Artie if he wanted to go see Kabuki with he and Brad. Artie quickly told him ''no.''
More Riley Martin Clips. 07/18/07. 6:20am
Howard got back to Riley's show and played another clip where a caller tells Riley that Howard plays reruns when he's on vacation so they don't have to pay Riley to cover for him. That got Riley going again. Howard played another clip after that where Riley talked about how the aliens were the ones who split the continents apart. He said that the Biahvians destroyed the dinosaurs and if they hadn't, we wouldn't be here. He told the caller that if they hadn't done all of that, man wouldn't have come as far as we have.
Howard played a prank call that Sal and Richard made using clips of Riley saying his lines ''O-Qua Tangin Wann'' and ''Quai unza la ji wan'' to a Chinese food restaurant employee. He was trying to place an order and used those words. Howard also played a song parody where they used clips of Riley talking about the aliens.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he liked the Mammary Lane show that Jason and Will did while they were on vacation. Howard let him go and then took a call from someone playing clips of Riley going off on Howard and the guys. Howard played along with it so they could get George to talk to the audio clips. George thought he was talking to him but ''Riley'' was going off on him calling him a ''fucking dork'' and saying ''fuck you'' whenever he'd say something. George told Riley that he's a fascinating person and tried to give him some advice but the clips of Riley weren't listening to him.
Howard let George go with the Riley clips for a few minutes. George was having a whole conversation with the clips. Howard eventually told George that it was a tape and George started to laugh. He didn't believe them for a few seconds but eventually came around and believed that he had been had once again. Howard and Fred played a bunch of George Takei song parodies and stuff like that after that. Howard told George that Fred is actually an android too and he figured he had to break the news to him about that. He had to go to commercial after that.
In the clip Howard was talking about how he got the message that Fred got married over vacation. Jackie said he got the call too. Howard said he's not sure why Fred feels he has to call Jackie about that stuff too. Howard said Fred ran off and got married and he gave no consideration to the fact that without him he wouldn't have met his wife. Fred said that's not true.
Howard said that he was thinking about Fred going off like that. Howard asked who was there. Fred said it was very small. He said his mom and dad and his brother were there. Howard asked what day it was. Fred said it was on the 10th. Fred said Alison's family was there too but it was just a few people.
Howard asked Fred if he's having a party. Fred said in October he is. Robin said she won't be there. Fred said that's fine.
Howard said he was thinking about this. He said he and Fred go way back. He said you could say that they don't see each other socially now but you could argue that he's like family. Howard said he did a lot more for Fred than even his parents did. Robin said he didn't give birth though. Howard said that's true. He said he said to his wife that it was very weird that he didn't ask him to the wedding. Howard said he would have been honored to go. Howard said he's known Fred almost 20 years.
Howard asked Gary if he heard about it. Gary said he didn't. Gary said he has a woman on the phone who wants to tell Robin why she wasn't invited. The caller said that Robin has been in love with Fred for years. Howard said she might be on to something there. Howard said he also thinks that Fred is a racist. The caller said the Robin thing is so obvious. She said that she's been listening since she was 13 and she hears Robin talking about Fred in that way. Howard said maybe there is something going on there.
Gary said he's having second thoughts about why he had a wedding. Howard asked Fred where the wedding was. Fred said it was out on the East end of Long Island. He said it was kind of a spur of the moment thing. Fred said his parents came over on the ferry.
Gary said that Fred's cousin was there at the wedding and she's upset that she wasn't mentioned. Fred said that's Alison's cousin. Howard picked up on Judy and asked if she's upset. Judy said that she was there but she's not upset. She said she drove 3 hours there and 3 hours back and it was a lovely wedding. Judy said her husband was there too. She said that Fred told him about everyone who was there except for them.
Judy said that Fred got married on the beach. He was wearing a black suit with a multi-colored shirt. She said that Alison was wearing a lovely dress. She said it was off white. Judy said it was very nice.
Howard asked if Fred was wearing shoes. Fred said he was. Howard said it's kind of weird that he and Robin weren't invited. Judy said that she doesn't even know Howard and Robin. Howard said she must listen. Judy said she doesn't listen every day. Howard said he loves that. He said she just said she's listening but she doesn't listen to the show. Howard said she does listen. Judy said she listens but not every day.
Howard said she's a yenta. Judy said she's not a yenta and Alison doesn't have any Yentas in her family. Robin asked if they had Cookie Puss as the wedding cake. Judy said it was a lovely wedding. Howard said this woman is more important to Fred than they are. Judy said of course she is. Howard said that she didn't take her around to find his first apartment.
Howard asked how old Judy is. She said she's a grandmother. Howard asked how her body is. She said it went a long time ago. Howard said Fred told him if he had his way at the wedding he would have gagged her. Robin asked if there were tears at the wedding. Judy said there were some. She said Alison's grandmother said ''It's about time'' after they were married.
Howard said that he would have spent a lot on a gift for Fred if he had invited them. Robin said she's not going to get him anything now. Gary said they have to get him something. He asked if Jackie got him anything. Jackie hadn't gotten anything yet.
Howard let Judy go after she said she had to get going. Howard told her to stay on the rest of the show. He was joking around about that.
Howard said Jackie got the call because he's a complainer and he would turn people against you if you didn't tell him. Howard said that's why he gets calls. Gary asked why he called Jackie. Fred said that Alison has a relationship with Nancy so that's why. Howard said he doesn't believe that. Howard asked Jackie if he knew that. Jackie said of course he did.
Robin said that Fred sees her every day and he didn't call her. Fred didn't have an explanation for that.
Fred's new wife Alison called in. Howard and the guys were all doing their impressions of Jackie and goofing on him about how he got married. Howard asked Alison why they did things the way they did. Alison said that Jackie eloped in Hawaii and they eloped on Long Island. Howard asked if she's hyphenated her name. Alison said she is. Howard said she could combine the names and make it Thoriss. He said maybe it could be Thermos or something like that.
Gary asked Alison if there was ever a doubt that she would get him to the altar. Alison said no. Howard said Fred claims she was the one who didn't want to get married. Howard said he doesn't blame her. He said Fred is weird. Alison said she's weird too. Gary said he thought Fred was the one who wanted to get married but then it flipped as time went on.
Howard said he can't figure out why Jackie got a call and he got a call. Alison said without Howard and Jackie they wouldn't be together. Alison said they didn't want to put Howard out by inviting him to the wedding. Alison asked if he would have shown up. Howard said he would have. He said of course he would have been there. Howard said he's worked with Fred side by side for 20 years. Alison said that they didn't want to bother him. Howard said it wouldn't have been a bother. Howard said it was very considerate of them not to want to bother him but he would have been there.
Howard congratulated Fred and Alison and said he guesses that they'll be having kids soon. He said that is if Fred is compatible with a human. Howard let Alison go a short time later. Howard said that dial-a-date is successful. Gary said this is like the only wedding from it.
In the clip Howard was talking about the new Gary Puppet they had and how he was going to introduce it on the TV show. Howard had Gary stand next to it so he could compare the two. He told Gary how to pose his mouth like the puppet. He said he's going to have Fred work the puppet eventually.
In the clip Howard was talking about the new computer operating system he has called Warp. He said that it's an IBM thing. Howard said he can dial into his home computer and do things there. He said the only problem is that there isn't a phone line in the studio he can use. Scott came in and said that he might be able to tap into a line in the back. He showed Howard where it was. He said he has to check to make sure he can use it though. Howard and Fred did their Scott impressions and goofed on him for a few seconds.
Howard told Robin to go with IBM and not with Mac. Robin said she's definitely PC. Howard told her to avoid Windows 95. He said that she should listen to him and use what he tells her to use.
Howard said Scott is going to hook him up with the phone line. Robin said she has to figure out how to do what Howard is doing. Howard said she's going to love Warp. He said that you can use it to log into your home computer. He said it's best to have a dedicated line at home. Jackie was wondering about how that works.
Howard said that he has something called network messaging. He said Laura's computer is hooked up to his computer. He said he can send her a message instantly. He said that it beeps on her computer and pops up on her computer. He said she'll see it as soon as she's on the computer. Howard said he can send everyone a message if he wants. He said if they were all on the network they would get the message. Howard said it's all automatic as soon as you Warp.
Howard said if he wanted to he could hire someone in Europe to do work for him. He said that he has something set up for Ratso so they can swap stuff back and forth instantly. Robin said that she used to be able to do that. She said that the file wasn't available when the other person was working on it though. Howard said that's not the way this is. He said this is so much better. He said the good thing is that he doesn't have to look at Ratso while they're working.
After an fast forward we heard Howard talking about hooking up the phone line and showing Robin how it works. Howard said that Tom Chiusano came in and said he wanted to see how he does this. Howard said he dialed in and the damn thing rings and rings and it won't answer the phone. Howard said Tom's smile got bigger and bigger the more it rang. Howard said he's done it a million times and he's not sure what's going on with it.
Howard showed Robin what was going on. He said it should all be hooked up but it's not working. Howard said he has everything set up right. He said he should have a working computer there at home. He said even if the power went out it should have stayed up because he has a battery back up. Howard said he really wanted to show off his computer. Howard said he tried it like 10,000 times before this and it worked. Howard said he's going to throw out his computer now.
Howard said all of his notes were in there. He said he knows he's got the right number. Howard tried over and over again but the computer would not connect. Howard said he worked on this thing for 2 weeks so he could show it off. Howard said that it doesn't matter, it's not working.
Stuttering John came in and said that callers are saying that lightning could have done something. Howard said he doesn't think so because he has a battery back up and a generator back up after that. Howard said it should just work. Tom told Howard he wanted it to work and he wasn't hoping it would fail. Howard said that's what it looked like to him.
Robin told Howard to try a different phone line. Howard said he'll do that but he doesn't think it'll work. Howard asked if he could hook into this other line. They told him he couldn't do that. Scott the Engineer told him he doesn't have a different line to try. Howard asked Scott how his time was when he wasn't able to go to Scores with them. Scott said he was fine. Howard asked how it feels to be 42 and have a mommy. Scott didn't say anything.
John came in and said that Jeff Shick just called and said that he might need to dial an area code. Howard said he's been doing that. Howard said he has it set in the computer.
Howard tried dialing again but it still wasn't connecting. Howard said that he doesn't want to talk about computers anymore. He said he's going to do the show any way he wants. They wrapped up a short time later.
Artie Vs. Dice And The Missing $5,000. 07/18/06. 9:40am
After the commercials Howard had Andrew Dice Clay on the phone. He told the story about how Artie did a show with Dice down in Atlantic City a week ago but Dice hasn't payed him for the gig yet. Dice got on the phone and said that he needs to know what did happen because he got some oddball calls yesterday. Howard told Artie to tell him his side of the story. Artie said the gig went very well but he just hasn't gotten paid yet.
Dice asked Artie if he was judging his performance because it sounded like he was judging it by saying that he had done a good job. Howard told him that Artie said they both did very well that night. There was also some discussion about the amount of money Artie was getting for doing that gig. Artie thought he should have gotten more than the $5,000 he's supposed to be getting.
Dice said that he gets the money and then mails out the check afterward. He claims that he left a message for Artie asking him for his address so he could mail out a check. Dice said he was going to mail out a check yesterday so he had to contact Artie's manager to get the address. Artie said he never got a message but Dice said he has no reason to bullshit him.
Dice said that he was also a little upset that Artie was saying that they sold out the show after he was added to the show. Dice claims that the show was almost sold out before Artie was added and they sold out the rest of the tickets shortly after he was on the show. Dice said he wanted to team up and do a show with Artie because he had heard great things about his shows.
Artie asked Dice if he's claiming that the tickets were already sold out before they announced that he was on the show. Dice said they were almost sold out before he went on Stern, then they sold out. He said he was asked to do the bigger room but he didn't do that. He also said he would have paid him even more money if they had done that room. Artie asked him when he would have gotten paid for that gig. Dice said he has to go back to L.A. To take care of business. He said he runs it like a business, he doesn't get in his car and drive away.
Artie says that he pays guys the night of the show and doesn't send out checks like that. Artie said it's 10 days later and he still doesn't have a check. Dice told him to talk to his agent. Artie said he has spoken to him and he wasn't able to talk to Dice about it. Artie was also saying that he never got a call from Dice so Dice took that as if he was calling him a liar. Artie said he just didn't get the call.
Dice said that he has already cut the check and he's going to mail it to his agent. He told Artie he got half of his money the night of the show at the Borgata and then he went out on the road. He hasn't been home for a week or so and hasn't had time to get it together.
Artie said that he's just expecting the money on time even though he's not desperate for the money. Artie said that he doesn't want to work with him again if he has to wait 2 months to get paid. Robin asked Artie if he and Dice had a talk about doing shows together. Howard said that Artie thinks that Dice wants to hook up with him on the road so they have Howard involved in some way. Dice said that's not what's going on because he can come on and promote a show whenever he wants to now.
Artie said he's pretty sure that's exactly what's going on. He said that he's doing 2 shows at the end of August at the Borgata and he can sell out the shows no problem and make about 11 times what he made with Dice. He told Dice that he did the show with him because he was an icon to him and he wanted to work with him. Artie said he would rather work by himself. Dice said that's fine but if they hooked up to do some huge venues, they could make more money together.
Dice said that he heard how good Artie was so that's why he approached him. He said he thought they got along really well and thought that they could do some dates together and make some really good money. Artie said he would have done that show with Dice for free just for the story but he can now go out and make the money on his own if he wants. Dice said that's cool with him but he thinks they could sell out some really big venues if they teamed up.
Howard said he thinks Artie is intimidated to tell him what he really thinks sometimes but he came clean today. Artie said he listened to Dice's side of the plan but they didn't sign any contracts or anything.
Ralph called in and told Artie he was being a little bit of a dick here. He said that he was looking forward to seeing Dice and Artie performing together and he would do that if they were teamed up. Artie told Ralph to ''fuck off'' and said that he was a ''loser faggot piece of shit'' and then asked him how long he should wait for that five grand to come from Dice. He said that Ralph has owed him $100 for the past 2 years and still hasn't gotten paid.
Ralph asked Artie why he's getting so worked up about this five grand. Artie asked him, again, how long he should wait before getting upset. He said it's five thousand dollars and it's a lot of money. He told Ralph to go jerk off to Star Trek. Fred threw in the ''Ralphie Cakes'' song parody after that.
Ralph said that Artie doesn't need the money. Artie said that it's his money and he expected to be paid in a timely manner. Dice was telling Artie that he didn't work all that long for that five grand. Artie said that he was really pissing him off and he took a pay cut to do 20 minutes. He was saying that Dice was saying stupid shit and it was pissing him off. Artie thinks that he sold the room out for Dice but Dice said he had nothing to do with selling out that show. Artie said it was Howard's show that sold out those tickets.
Dice said that everyone on the phone has a big mouth and if he was standing there in person he wouldn't have the balls to open his mouth. Artie told Dice that he'll be there in L.A. Tonight do shoot Entourage so he should show up on set and he'll confront him there.
Dice explained to Artie that if he had known that he wanted the money that night, he would have had a check for him. Since he didn't know that he needed it that night, he waited until he got home to pay him. Robin didn't understand why Artie was so upset so Howard was going to explain it but Dice and Artie were still going off on each other.
Howard wanted to clear things up but Dice said that he knows that the audience was there for Artie because they were chanting his name before he went out on stage. He doesn't think that he sold the show out but the audience did have a SIRIUS following so he wanted to make a big deal and do some huge shows with him in the future.
Howard said that he's listened to all of this and he thinks he knows what went on. He thinks that if they work together in the future, Artie can expect not to get paid then. He said that the venue got it's money and paid Dice half the money he was due. The other half goes to Dice's agent according to Dice. Howard said that other places pay the comedians up front but that's not the way this place works. Howard can see why Artie wants his money and he can also see Dice's side of the story because he had to go home to send out the check.
Dice said that he didn't cut the check for Artie because he just got home on Sunday night. Later on Monday he heard that Artie had gone off on him on the show but he had already cut the check for him. Dice said he had lost Artie's information so he couldn't call his agent during last week.
Howard took some phone calls and let Mariann from Brooklyn go off on both of them. She was saying that this was all about Howard. Howard said that Artie and Dice are very talented guys and he has nothing to do with it. Mariann said she wants to have coffee with Artie to try and figure it out. Artie sarcastically said that would cheer him up.
Some other callers went off on Dice saying that Artie could do his own shows and make the money himself. Artie wanted to let them talk about Dice was going off on the callers telling them that they've done nothing. A woman called in and said that this is the best reality show ever and Dice may be overreacting a bit. One caller thought that Artie was more upset that he didn't get paid more money, that's why he's getting so pissed about the $5,000. Artie said that's not the case.
Dice apologized again for not knowing that he wanted to be paid that night. Artie just assumed he was going to get paid that night but Dice had no idea that's what he wanted so he apologized to him for that. Howard's father called in and tried to help the guy settle this. He said that they should just apologize and move on from there. They should set up a procedure to get things to work out the next time they work together.
Dice said that he felt that the audience was one of the most intense crowds he's seen in years and he thinks it had something to do with the two of them being there together and that's what he wants to bring to bigger venues. Howard thanked his Dad and wanted to let him go but he had one more thing to say. Ben told the guys that they could be very successful working together. Robin said that Artie doesn't want to work with Dice though, he wants to work alone. Ben said that this reaction is ludicrous and Artie is overreacting far too much.
Rev. Bob Levy called in and told the guys that when they do shows they get a check the night of the show. Artie asked him how long he's waited for a check. Bob said that he would have a check overnighted if they didn't have it there that night. That's what Artie expected from Dice but Dice said he's not a promoter, he's just a comic so he didn't know that he wanted as check that night.
Ralph was still on the phone so Artie as goofing on him. He said that he thinks that Artie needs things in his life to make himself miserable and this is just the latest thing. Artie asked him how long he has to wait for the $100 he owes him. Ralph said that he's going to wait a long time. He wanted Will to pay him half of the money since he was owed a few bucks. Ralph said he'll pay Artie on Thursday when he gets paid.
Artie pointed out that Dice's story had changed when he was saying that he'd lost his agent's number because he eventually did call him. Ross Zapin came in and said that the two of them should have had their agents take care of all of this stuff. Artie said that's what they did but Dice then revealed that he's having problems with one of his guys so that may not have helped. Ross thinks that Artie's agent should have mentioned the payment up front.
Dice said that when he left that gig that night, he was just thinking about what they could do in the future. He apologized once again and said that the real tragedy will be if they don't do anymore shows in the future. He said the $5,000 is chicken feed compared to the shows they could do in the future. Dice was talking about how his show got picked up on VH-1 and how he wanted Artie Lange on a Showtime show he was offered. Artie said that he's convinced him that he doesn't need the money and he can send him the check whenever he wants.
High Pitch Eric called in and went off on Dice but Howard hung up on him within a short time because he had nothing to add to it. Artie really wasn't calmed down, he was still going off on Dice. He claimed he wasn't mad at him but things were still kind of tense and Howard just wanted to move on. Dice just wanted to put this behind them. Artie admitted he was wrong and said they could put things behind them. Dice said he called Artie yesterday and wondered why he didn't call him back. Artie thought it would be funnier on the air.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that she thinks Dice is out of his mind and full of crap. She even threw in Kinison's name and said that he was a better comic than he is. Howard calmed things down and told Artie that he thinks it's insulting that he wants any money. Howard told Artie that he owes Dice three grand. Artie said he'll pay him next week.
Dice said that he needs to see Artie if he's going to be out in L.A. Artie said he'll be working the whole time but he can come visit him on the set. Dice said he can't visit the set because it'll cause mayhem. Artie told him he'd give him a call when he gets out there. Howard finally got Dice off the phone and said that was beautiful.
Robin said that she heard the screams and thought it was a little crazy. Artie said he has no way to prove that Dice didn't call him but he never got a call from him. Howard told Artie to look at him and said that arguing is good for him because he didn't eat the whole time. Artie said he was drinking soda the whole time though.
Howard said Artie is going out to shoot that TV show and they're going to look at him like he's a baby gorilla. Artie said he bets he'll get the check for the work out there within a couple of days. Howard showed him a picture of Leslie Bibb who will be making out with him for the Entourage shoot. Artie said that cheered him up. Howard told him he could watch him all day long like that.
Howard asked Artie who else owes him money because they should call them too. Artie said he's not going to go to Will to get the money that Ralph owes him so he didn't go too nuts on that situation. Will came in and said that he and Ralph have been arguing about their bet for a while but he's not going to pay Artie for the money that Ralph owes him.
Artie said that whenever he gets that money from Dice is fine with him. He said he thinks that Dice was lying about the phone call and that's why he got so hot headed during that call. Ralph was back on the phone so he tried to explain the bet he had with Artie and with Will. He wanted Will to pay his half of the bet because he wasn't there that often back then. Will said it was only half the money though so Ralph still would have had to pay Artie $50. The guys spent a few more minutes talking about Dice and wondering if that check has been mailed yet. Dice had said that he had called his accountant and told him to cut the check but no one knows if it has actually been mailed yet.
Artie said he's been offered a big gig in the area and he can't talk about it yet. He doesn't need to work with Dice though because he can sell out those places on his own. Howard said he thinks things are straightened out but we won't be hearing from Artie while he's out in L.A. for a few days. Artie said he'll call in from the set and try to get Leslie Bibb on the phone too.
Artie said that he still thinks that Dice is patronizing him by telling him that he's a great performer when it's really just the fact that he's on a show that he can promote on. Howard said that if Artie and Dice did get into an altercation, Dice might be in trouble because Artie can fight. Artie said that Dice would have to kick his ass to take him down because he won't give up easily. He said he's not afraid of him and if he wants to fight him, he'll fight. He gets nuts in bar fights and he's ready to go.
Howard asked Artie what his weight is at today because he was supposed to drop a few before doing Entourage. Artie said he had a conversation with the wardrobe lady at Entourage and told her that she's going to have to sew two shirt together for him. He said he has to get a wardrobe fitting as soon as he gets off the plane out there. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
William Shatner Comes In. 7/18/00. 8:05am
Actor/Writer/Singer William Shatner came in this morning to promote his new book ''Star Trek Preserver''. Fred was playing tape of the infamous recording where Shatner was being directed on how to say ''Sabotage'' where he tells the director not to tell him how to say it because it's ''disgusting''. Shatner got a kick out of hearing it as he came in the studio. He explained to Howard that it wasn't that he insists on saying ''sabataage'' instead of ''sabotage''. He was upset that he was being told how to say something in a situation where it just shouldn't have happened.
Howard asked Shatner if he's a Jew for some reason. Shatner confirmed it and said that it was tough growing up in Canada as a Jewish kid. He said he was beaten quite often and it was tough growing up. Robin asked him if it was his being Jewish or perhaps his personality that was the problem. He thought that perhaps she was on to something. The cast of ''Star Trek'' all wanted to beat him so maybe it was his personality.
One of the new interns at the Stern show, Josh, is a big (literally) fan of Shatner's. Howard brought Josh in to meet the Captain. Josh was wearing a t-shirt that said ''Shatner is God'' on it. Josh stands 6'7'' tall and weighs about 270 pounds. He told Gary that he's just shy of being a ''Trekkie'' but the way he was dressed would have you believe that he's a full on ''Trekkie''. He even says that he lives by the ''prime directive'' that's part of the ''Star Trek'' show. He says he believes in leaving everything as it is. Howard asked him which episode was his favorite of the ''Star Trek'' series. He thought it was a little stereotypical to say it but his favorite is the Tribble episode.
Josh also has a theory that every guy has a gay experience at some point in his life. He kept saying that he wasn't necessarily talking about himself but other guys. Howard asked him if he's ever thought of William Shatner while pleasuring himself. Josh says he's never done that. Benjy came in at one point and expanded on the gay theory a little bit saying that he's had conversations with Josh about gay experiences but he hasn't come right out and said anything. He mentioned something about even if he had a gay experience with his best friend it doesn't mean he's gay.
Once Howard was done with Josh he took a couple of phone calls and let some people kiss Shatner's ass. He also spoke to Shatner about a book signing he's doing today. Shatner says he is ''half frightened'' by the signings and the people who show up to them. He says that he doesn't like doing the signings but at the same time he wants a lot of people to show up at them.
Howard read that Shatner has a new love interest, a Hollywood Guru. Shatner says he was photographed with this woman but he isn't involved with her. Howard asked Shatner if he's ever had a woman who calls him ''Captain'' in bed. Shatner was able to stop the sex questions by bringing up Howard's separation.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Shatner about his new book and the book signing he's doing today at Barnes & Noble on 48th and 5th from 12:30 to 1:30 this afternoon. Shatner says he'll only be there for one hour. Howard asked him if he'd stay longer if a lot of people showed up. Shatner said ''no''. Get there early if you want his autograph.
Senso Sapphire Pleasure. 07/18/05. 9:00am
Howard said that Sal the Stockbroker is a weird guy. They had gotten this product called the Senso Sapphire in at the station and Sal ended up asking Gary for it. He had e-mailed him asking if he could take it home. Then this morning Richard Christy came in and asked if he could have it. Gary thought they were kidding but they're not. Now the two of them are arguing about it and trying to fight over the Senso Sapphire which is a masturbation thing. Sal was planning on putting it in his car to use it in there since he can't bring it home. The guys have put their fingers in it but haven't used it yet. Sal wanted to try it out there at the station but Tom put a stop to that. He was out in the hallway telling them that they can't do that there. Howard told him that he could use the bathroom there in his studio. Richard said that he once tried using a toilet tissue roll as a masturbation thing one time and it was great. Sal told Howard he should try this Senso Sapphire thing because it feels really good just using his finger. Sal went into Howard's bathroom to use the thing. They were going to time how long it took for Sal to finish himself off. Howard talked about using a masturbation thing one time and ended up getting bruised from it. They also talked about the Real Doll which was actually pretty good for pleasuring them.
Richard told Howard that Sal recently shaved his chest so he could look more like Howard. Howard said he doesn't shave his chest and has quite a bit of hair on his chest. Howard asked Sal how he was doing in the bathroom. Sal was still working on himself and Jason was in the bathroom checking out what he was doing. Sal didn't want to come out of the bathroom. He was still working on himself so Gary and Howard had to demand that he come out. Sal ended up shoving the thing in Richard's face when he came out. Richard said he was going to wipe a booger right on his face because of that. Sal said the piece of plastic was about a 7 on a scale of 10 for feel. He said that he would give his wife a 7 and a half. Sal also told a story about going to a booth next to a bar they went to a couple of weeks ago. He also said that he went out to a booth one time with Bob Levy one time and Levy told him he had to go into this booth he was in. He didn't get the joke when he went in because there was a chick dancing. Levy told him not to look through the window, look at the window. That's when he saw that Levy had apparently flung his leftover stuff on the window. Howard had to take a break a short time after that. He gave Sal the Senso Sapphire box since he had used the thing.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 9:00am.
This week's Best of the Week was over around 10:25am.