|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Sal's Wife Christine Gets To Shoot Him In The Ass. 03/22/07. 7:50am
Howard said that Sal has this really hot wife, Christine, and many people aren't sure how he got someone so hot. She came walking in and Howard asked her if she feels that she blew it by marrying Sal. Sal was in also and said that they're a bunch of assholes. Howard asked her if she ever says to herself that she made a mistake. She said that lately she has been doing that. She laughed when Howard asked her about that stuff. She said she was very nervous. Sal didn't understand that.
Sal went on to say that Christine lost 15 pounds and she's been going out lately. He called her when she was out at a club one night and some dude told her to hang up the phone on him. He said she told him that it was her friend Sue talking but he knew it was a dude. She said that she does have guys hitting on her at the bars she goes to. Sal said they can have her. Howard told Sal he'll never get a hotter chick than this.
Christine said that Sal is lazy so he pointed out that he gets up at 4 in the morning and doesn't get home until 6:30 at night and she's calling him lazy. Howard wanted to know how he was lazy but Christine didn't want to start a war. Howard asked her if she's heard the songs that Sal has written about her. She hadn't heard them so Howard played ''My Wife'' for her. In that one Sal sings about how he'd like to crack her in the skull and throw her in the trash among other things. Christine was laughing during the song so she must not have been too upset.
Howard said he can not figure out what Sal is talking about. He said that she's just hot. Howard asked Christine what she wears when she goes out with her friends to the club. She said it's just regular clothes. Sal said she asked him how she looked and he told her that she looked like she was ready to fuck someone else, that's how she looked.
Howard asked Christine about how she avoids touching Sal. Sal claims she won't even hold his hand. Sal said that he touched her the other night and she jumped and didn't want to do anything. He said she was watching Lost and that was more important than sex. Howard asked Christine if she was sexually attracted to Sal. She didn't answer. She told him not to put her on the spot like that. Sal couldn't believe what he was hearing. Sal said it seems like Christine and Howard have the same sentiment about him.
Christine said when she met Sal in college he was singing stupid songs then so she should have known he was going to be like this. Sal was in school to become a radiologist but that didn't pan out. Artie said that it's worked out for Sal, he's working on this show.
Howard asked Christine about the house and why she keeps Sal from wearing his shoes in the house. Sal said that she has a cleaning lady come in one day a week. He said he has to clean up the day before the cleaning lady comes in and he thinks that's ridiculous. Christine told Howard she had the answer about being attracted to him... and it was 'no.'
Sal said he's pleading for help in this whole thing. He wants the marriage to work out. Gary said that Sal claims to be held up for ransom over some tapes that they had of her yelling at him. She demanded a $1400 bag to give him permission to play that stuff on the air so he did it. Howard played some of the clips where Christine was screaming at Sal for doing things while they were taking pictures at home. Christine said that he does that stuff on purpose to get her pissed at him. Howard asked her if she sees herself being married to him the rest of her life. She said ''I don't know...'' and laughed. Sal said she's serious too. She said that Sal had just insulted her so that's why she was going there.
Artie asked Christine if money is an issue for her. She said that it is for Sal. Artie asked Sal how much of a pay cut he had to take going to this job form being a Stockbroker. Sal said it was a huge cut but Christine supported him in that. He thinks that it can work out in the long run.
Howard asked Christine what would make her feel better about him. She said that on Friday Sal didn't shovel at all when it snowed last week. She said that Sal said he was making breakfast and then told her that she could have told him to shovel if she wanted him to. He talks in circles according to Christine. Sal told Howard that he made breakfast for 3 kids and tended to them. After breakfast he watched TV with the kids. Then she comes home and starts digging away with the shovel but he doesn't have ESP so he doesn't know she's out there. He said he didn't know she was out there.
Sal said that Christine was telling him that he has to get out on the road more so they can pay for things around the house. He said that was after she asked him to be home more. Now she's telling him to call Bob Levy to get booked on more shows. She was telling Sal that he shouldn't be making songs about her either.
Howard played Christine another song parody that Sal wrote about her. That one was to the tune of ''Photograph'' and in it he sings about her fat ass and how she married him for his money. Sal told Howard that what he wants is a little respect from his wife. He said he'd like to come home like other guys who have their wives showing up to comedy shows and rubbing their man's back and things like that. He said he'd like her to take that extra step and just like him a little more. Christine said she is very nice to him when he comes home. Sal said she yells at him to take off his shoes and to clean up the house for the cleaning lady.
Sal said he called home from the train one day and asked Christine what they were having for dinner. She told him ''whatever you bring home'' and hung up on him. Howard told Sal that he's got himself a hot wife and he should watch himself. She asked if the club was open tonight.
Christine told Howard a story about Sal stripping down to his underwear at a wedding they went to. That's the kind of stuff he does to her. After that Howard told Sal to take his pants down so his wife could shoot him in the ass. He explained that the money they were trying to win was courtesy of this movie ''The Shooter'' which comes out tomorrow.
Christine was going to be shooting Sal in the ass with a paintball gun. For each shot she hit, she wins $500. Christine was going to be about 20 feet from Sal with a paintball gun. Howard said they can make up to $5,000 so she gets 10 shots. She gets no practice shots according to Howard. Christine said that she's never shot a gun before. Howard had a guy there from a place called Chilly Bear where they run paintball gun events. He told Howard Sal will have some big welts on his ass if he gets hit. Howard said he thinks that Sal shouldn't do it but Sal said he already spent the money on a Disney vacation.
Howard said you can find out more about Chilly Bear at ChillyStuff.com. He then had Christine take her first shot. She missed Sal completely but Sal said he felt the air go past his hair. Artie said that those things go fast. Sal said he's never felt what a grazed bullet feels like but that's what it must feel like. He asked for a helmet before the next shot. Christine took her second shot and missed again. Sal said that was very scary. Christine took her third shot as Sal was breathing heavy waiting for the pain. Sal got hit in the leg but it just grazed him. Sal said it just grazed his thigh. Howard said they were going to give her $500 for that shot.
Christine took another shot and nailed Sal right in the thigh. Sal was screaming out in pain. Mike Gange said there was quite a welt on him from that shot. Gary told Sal to keep his legs closed so they don't hit his balls. Christine was laughing and said it was very funny. She took her next shot and hit him square in the ass. Sal yelled out in pain once again. They were up to $1,500. Sal asked her not to hit that side again because it hurt so much. Sal said he was going to have a heart attack if she hit that side again. Will said that it was actually bleeding on that side.
Howard asked Sal if he wanted to stop. Christine took another shot and hit him in the exact same spot. Sal yelled out in pain and kept yelling because it hurt so bad. Howard said he had to put a stop to it at that point. Sal said he had to stop because the pain was just too much. Gary said that Sal was in pain but Christine was laughing at him. She seemed to feel nothing for him.
Fred asked Sal to just go through with one more shot because it was the last one. He had gone through this much so far, he should just put the pain out of his mind and go through with one more. Sal couldn't take the pain. Howard told Sal that if he took one more shot he would give him the $5,000 and he'd even let him cover up that cheek. Sal said if he did that the e-mail would start coming in. He said he was going to leave that cheek open and just go for it.
Howard said he didn't like that Sal was going to do it again. He was afraid that it was going to really hurt the guy. Howard said Sal almost passed out from this yet Christine was ready to take another shot. She said she didn't want to come in the first place. Sal said he needs the money so she has to go through with it. He asked her to please not hit the left side. He said he was willing to take the chance though. Sal covered up his balls again and got ready for the final shot. She took the shot and missed. They let Christine take one more shot and she tried not to hit the left side. She hit him on the right side. Sal said that it hurt so much and it sounded like he was about to cry. Gary told him to walk around but Sal told him he wasn't going to walk around and told him to leave him alone. Christine told him to just shovel the driveway next time.
Howard said that they had just won $5,000 and asked to see the welts on Sal's ass. She almost hit him in the rectum. Sal said it felt like they turned up the power or something because it hurt just as much as the shots that hit the same spot. Howard wrapped up and thanked Billy from Chilly Bear and also thanked Christine for coming in.
Mike Gange said they had some replays to play for them. They showed those on the studio monitors but there was no sound. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Gene Simmons was out watching all of that going on out there in the office. He went to break a short time later.
In the clip Howard was asking Gary what was taking Scott so long to get his audio clips done. He said he asked for them a long time ago. He said he might have to play music instead. Howard said there must be something else they can do. Howard looked for something to play. Scott came in and said he had the Bryan Adams stuff and some other audio he asked for. Howard said he saved the day.
Howard said this is going to take some setting up. He said he might need an assist on this. He said he thinks he has it under control. He said he was going to punish the audience and not talk on the air at all. He said the audience acted like such douches when they were in England.
Howard played some of the clips that Scott pulled. He didn't do them the way Howard wanted. Howard said he wanted them done a certain way and Gary didn't get it done. Gary came in and said he told Scott what to do. He didn't know what went wrong. Gary said he thinks Scott was busy doing a promo with Bob Wah. Howard asked Scott why he was working with Bob Wah. Scott said he did Howard's stuff first. He said he wasn't doing the Bob Wah stuff first.
Scott said that the guy who lets them in the building went to move his car and he disappeared. He said he was locked in the building. Howard said he didn't care.
Howard said he doesn't know how Gary thinks he can get another job outside of this show. Gary said he told Scott what to do and he didn't do it.
Howard said Gary was complaining he was over worked in England. He said he had a puss on his face. He said he always has an excuse for him. He said they went to a place in England and the microphones weren't set up correctly. Gary had an excuse for that. Howard said they were screaming about Gary the whole way home from England.
Howard said Gary has been there for years and he still doesn't know what he wants. He said he has to explain things hundreds of times.
Howard played more of the audio from England where he was taking calls. Howard said this bit isn't working. He said he should take this bit back to Scott and work it out.
Robin's News. 06/15/09. 9:55am
Robin read a story about Spider-Man the musical. Howard said he doesn't like this idea at all. He said he likes Spider-Man but the idea of them singing is so horrible. He said that this is so ridiculous and absurd that it will not be successful. Robin said that Bono and The Edge are writing the music for it. Howard said it doesn't matter, it's going to fail, it has to fail. Howard made up some songs for the Spider-Man musical. He did that for a few minutes.
Robin's News. 08/10/09. 10:15am
Robin read about a Spider-Man play that was in the works and how that's not working out so well. That got Howard making up his own songs for the play. He was coming up with lyrics for some music that Fred was playing for him. It did sound very similar to what a Broadway play about Spider-Man might sound like.
Awful Musicals Discussed. 07/23/12. 8:10am
After the break Howard came right back and asked Fred what song he was going to play. Fred asked if he wanted one. Howard said he just wondered what he was going to play. Fred played some of Van Halen's ''Jamie's Crying'' for him. Howard said those guys must be lunatics because they can't get it together to go out on tour. Howard said every band hates each other but they work it out so they can go out and make money. Howard said Mick Jagger figured it out. He said the guys in Aerosmith got back together too.
Howard said he read that Green Acres is going to be a play on Broadway. He said he hated the original TV show. He said that he liked the pig but he hated Eva Gabor. Howard and Robin talked about that for a minute.
Howard said he can imagine what this musical is going to be like. He started to sing about Arnold the pig. Then he sang about Spider-Man since that's a musical. Fred played some music and Howard made up the lyrics to the Spider-Man musical.
Howard sang about Spider-Man and how he doesn't like to eat insects even though he's a spider. Howard threw in a bunch of references to Spider-Man's life and things like that. Howard ended the song with ''Fuckin' asshole...''
Robin said that Richie Wilson told her that if Spider-Man was really a spider he'd be shooting webs out of his ass. Howard said he made his own webs in the lab though. Robin said in the movies they have him shooting them out of his wrists though.
Howard made up some stuff for the Green Acres musical. He sang about his wife as Howard played some music. Howard was making up lyrics about his wife loving the city instead of the country. He had Mr. Haney come in and then Eva Gabor's character comes in and sings about the city life.
Howard said he won't go through the whole play but you can imagine the horror of that play. Robin said people should stay away. Howard said he can picture what people will be wearing too. Robin said they had a play in London that had an animatronics pig in it. She said she's sure that's what they'll do with this play. Howard ended up singing more.
Howard said these plays are for morons. Robin said she can't believe they're making a musical about Green Acres.
Gary's Awful First Pitch At Mets Game. 05/11/09. 6:00am
Howard started the show talking about his weekend. He said his mother called to thank him for the flowers he sent to her from ProFlowers.com. Howard said she was very happy about that. He said his sister somehow took her to lunch too. Howard said that was good that he had his own thing that he had done for her. Robin said she had the same type of thing with her mom.
Howard said he didn't really have to do anything for his mother since he fixed up her house. That was like 50,000 mother's day gifts. Howard said he shouldn't have to send anything. Howard said he should have a 10 year pass on even calling her. Artie told him that the should just have to call and tell her ''you're welcome for the sheet rock in your kitchen.'' Howard said he could have called her to tell her that he wasn't going to call her because of that whole thing.
Artie said his mother's birthday is a week after Mother's day so he has that double whammy. He mentioned being on coke and remembering to call his mother. That led to Robin talking about some brain scans she saw in the paper of drug and alcohol addicts that all looked similar to Alzheimers sufferers.
Howard said his mother thanked him for the gift and went through that conversation. Then his father wanted to talk to him and that was odd because he doesn't usually want to do that.
Howard said his father is hard of hearing and he rarely wants to speak to him but when he does, he hears him in the background yelling at her that he wants to get on the line. Howard said his father will say ''I want to talk to him!'' in that very distinctive voice of his. His mother will start telling him that he wants to talk to him and she has to stop the presses and let him do that.
Howard said his father got on the line and told him that he was watching TV and heard Howard's name mentioned during the Mets game. Howard said his father just kept barreling on and said that he had never seen such a horrible pitch in his life when he saw Gary throw the ball. Artie was laughing his ass off about that.
Howard said he told his father that Gary's worst nightmare was to throw a bad pitch. His father said he had never seen such a bad pitch. Howard said this was Gary's worst nightmare.
Howard said he was smelling the first two hours of the show when he heard it was a bad pitch. Howard said he immediately watched the pitch after that. Howard said he had it right there to watch and even his father wanted to see it again.
Howard said he watched the pitch and even Beth said he threw it like a girl. Beth said that she could throw it better than that. Howard said her father taught her how to throw so she thinks that she could throw a pitch better than Gary. He said she was always grateful that her father was a sports guy because she could throw a ball.
Artie continued to laugh his ass off as Howard was telling this story. Howard went on to say that he saw Artie standing there next to the pitcher there at the game. Howard said he thought Artie was there alone but Artie said that his guy Joe was right next to him there on the field.
Howard said he saw Gary was up in Toronto to see a Bruce Springsteen concert the night before the pitch. Howard said he wrote to Gary and told him that maybe if he hadn't gone there he could have gotten sleep for the pitch. Howard said Gary told him that he was getting drunk after that. He said Gary didn't know why he did it after that.
Howard said he told Sal and Richard to get a hold of Kevin Lofton and tell him to animate what happens to the ball after he pitches it. Howard said it was unbelievably bad. Artie said he wishes that he would have played catch with Gary because he would have informed him that he throws like a chick and he would have begged him not to do it. He said he just can't go out and do that because he throws so poorly.
Artie said he would have known it immediately. Artie said Jon Hein isn't his friend because he threw pitches with him and didn't inform him that he throws like a chick. Artie said that his sister throws like that. He's not sure what they do wrong but they just throw wildly.
Artie said the Umpire ended up catching the ball because the catcher wasn't going to get up to go get it. Artie was laughing as he said that the umpire went after the ball. Artie laughed his ass off telling that story.
Artie said he told Robert Smigel that they had just seen Lance Bass throw the pitch. He said that everyone was Baba Booeying and calling Gary a fag there at the stadium.
Howard said he asked Gary what Artie had said that day and Artie was being nice. No one was saying anything to him at all this morning. They're all saving it for him today.
Howard said the Daily News called his pitch the most embarrassing pitch in ceremonial pitch history. Artie said he told Gary to say that he had autism because they would have understood that.
Will came in and said that he brought his whole family to see that pitch. Will said that Gary put his head down and he was very embarrassed.
Artie said Gary's son Lucas came up to him and told him that he had to make fun of him if he screwed up. He said after the pitch Lucas asked him not to be too hard on him. He said he has to do his job this morning though so he will be goofing on him.
Howard said Sal is out in the hall throwing like Gary with the Gary mask on. Howard said Sal was out there winding up and throwing just as bad as Gary. Howard said that should be Sal's stand-up act.
Artie said that Will is a Phillies fan so all of his family were too and they were all there to see Gary throw. Will said he saw Gary throw that ball and it went about 5 feet to the right and it was so embarrassing.
Ralph called in and said that he thought Star Trek was good. He said this pitch was better. Ralph didn't know how Gary could miss the catcher by that much. Howard said that Gary had hired a pitching coach and a psychologist to help him get through it. He said it didn't work at all. Artie said he should have had his psychologist throw the pitch.
Artie said he can tell that Gary just can't throw. He said he could tell by just watching him once. He could have told him not to do it if he had played catch with him.
Howard asked if it was worse than Chris Rock's pitch. Artie said it was worse. Artie said that Sebastian Bach was there and he had the funniest line of the day. He said Sebastian came up to him and said that all he knew was that Gary threw worse than he sang. Artie said that was the best line.
Howard read the daily news article where they called Gary's pitch the most embarrassing ever. Artie said that he's thinking that Gary should be picking out Howard's clothes now.
Artie and Ralph talked about how bad the pitch was and how embarrassing it was. Gary finally came in and said that he didn't think it was worse than Chris Rock's pitch. He said he would love to have his publicist because he can't find a shot of that pitch anywhere. He said he's not sure how that's even possible.
Howard said the Howard TV guys have video of the pitch. He had them play that. Artie said he had to see it again too. Robin laughed her ass off when she saw that too.
Gary said he swears he can throw even though that video makes it look like he can't. Gary said that he can throw better than that. He swore that he could.
Gary said he was standing on the side and he started to dry heave because he was so nervous. He said he was coughing from the dry heaving. Gary said that he got so much advice about the whole thing that he was doing a combo of all of the suggested ways to throw the ball. Artie said it was a ''combo of gay guy and chick.''
Howard asked Gary what he was thinking when the ball left his hand. Gary said that was the worst case for him and he knew that he had done everything wrong.
Gary said he got calls from everyone over the weekend. Howard said he was the first on his Facebook. Gary said he got texts from Chris Booker who told him he was on the news. Robin said he wouldn't have been on the news if he had thrown it right.
Howard said he had a montage of news reports about Gary's pitch. He said it was all over the place. Gary said he didn't know that this was going to be all over the news like this. Artie said this was ''Star Wars big'' for him.
Gary said he knew that they were going to make fun of him no matter what. Gary said that during the game he was interviewed and they showed the pitch because they hadn't aired it before that. Gary said it wasn't going to be a big deal until then.
Gary said he was watching the game on Sunday and they were doing a side by side thing on the air showing just how bad it was. Howard said they might end up using that clip at the start of every game now. Gary said that his was bad but they found that it wasn't really the worst. They found it was the second worst next to the Mayor of Cincinnati.
Gary said he was all stressed out before the pitch. He said Mary had to put up with that for 2 weeks and now she had to put up with it even more because it was in the news. Gary said he hung his head and went into his office. He said Mary came in and asked if he was going to ruin mother's day for her. Gary said this was a disaster.
Artie said that these guys were all telling him what to say on the show. He said that they were all telling him to tell Gary he was a fag. Ralph told Gary that this was the best thing he could have done because it's great for the show.
Howard played some song parodies that Sal and Richard had already made up for Gary. They were relentless with the goofing. Howard said he had Gary's kids on the phone but it was just audio of kids laughing.
Gary said he got a text on Sunday and someone asked him how he was doing after the pitch. Gary said he wasn't sure who had sent it. It turned out to be the owner of the Mets. He said that he wanted to make sure he was doing okay after that.
Howard said they had audio of the pitch announcer doing it in Spanish. It was faked and they were calling Gary names and throwing out his many goofy names in that clip.
Gary said that some people were really putting the best spin on it that they could. Gary said that some were telling him it was a disaster and being nice but then people were saying it was the worst thing ever. Howard said he posted on Gary's Facebook and asked him what the hell had gone on.
Howard said he heard about Gary going up to Toronto and how he didn't have a great time getting up there. Gary said they almost didn't make it.
Jason came in with a Newsday report about Gary's pitch. They had the tape on the newspaper's web site so people can watch it. Howard read some of the comments on the web site. Jason said those weren't comments from readers, that was the author of the article.
Artie said that he went to the old Shea Stadium to see the Rolling Stones and the Who in the past and this pitch beat both of those visits to the Mets stadium. Artie also said that he went to that new stadium wanting to hate it but he actually loved it.
Artie said he has thrown out a baseball a million times and he really doesn't think that Gary can throw. Gary said he can throw and this was just a fluke thing. Howard said it was Gary's worst nightmare and it couldn't have done any worse.
Gary said he got the ball he threw. He's going to keep it. Howard told him not to keep that thing, he should throw it out. Artie told him to have all of N' Sync sign the ball for him. Robin said there must be something wrong with it. Artie told Gary that he should have that guy Lou who discovered the Backstreet Boys sign the ball.
Gary said he expected all of this today. He was just standing there watching Howard and Artie goofing on him relentlessly and didn't know what to do.
Artie said that everyone there knew Gary as Baba Booey. Artie said there was this one guy working there by the name of Charlie. He said the guy asked him what he thought about what was going to happen. Then after the pitch he was walking around saying ''What a fuckin' fag'' and saying that he had never seen a worse throw. Artie said the guy told him that he had once seen a guy suck a cock and that pitch was still the gayest thing he had ever seen.
Howard took a call from Hook Nose Mike who said that Gary has to let him set up the pitch again so he can redeem himself. Howard said he really does have to do that. Artie said he wants to play catch with Gary and let him know what he really thinks.
Howard said that Gary thinks that he can throw and he's like one of those guys who thinks he's funny but he's not. Artie said there are major league pitchers telling Gary he can't throw. Howard said even his father was telling him about how awful that pitch was and the guy hasn't called him in 10 years.
Robin said this guy who picked her up at the airport yesterday told her ''Gary sucks!'' when he picked her up. Howard said he's the one getting fucked because he's in the news.
Many News Reports About Gary's Pitch. 05/11/09. 6:45am
Howard played the montage of news stories about Gary's pitch. All of the reporters were talking about how embarrassing the pitch was. They were all calling Gary ''Baba Booey'' and goofing on him in every report.
Howard said this is a huge disaster. Ralph told Gary that he really can't pitch. Gary told Ralph he can't even find a job. He told Ralph to prove that he can throw by throwing out that first pitch at Citi Field. Ralph said he can throw it better than him.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that they had multiple angles of Gary's pitch and they analyzed it and found that he had licked his lips in the middle of the pitch. Howard said Doug made a big deal out of this thing because they got a licensing deal with Major League Baseball so they want people to watch it on Howard TV instead of on YouTube where it's illegal.
Howard watched the pitch again and said that he knows that Gary threw it wrong even though he doesn't know how to pitch himself.
Artie asked if any of the Mets were laughing at him. Gary said he got a note from a friend who said that it was worse than he imagines. All of the players were apparently goofing on him. Artie said he would have told Gary just not to look like a broad. He said it's a lot of pressure on a guy.
Gary said that he didn't hire that pitching coach that they were talking about earlier. He said he just spoke to the guy on the phone.
Gary also said that he teaches batting practice so he knows that he can pitch better than that. Artie said ''Yeah right.''
Artie told another Sebastian Bach story. He said that everyone on the field who is a celebrity was asked to take pictures with these autistic kids out on the field. Artie said he was watching what he was saying out there since the kids were just 10 years old. Artie said Sebastian came down and told him that he had the best fuckin weed in New York and asked him to go out and get wasted with him and then thanked Gary for talking about his cock on the show.
Artie said Sebastian was telling him he read his book and his father was the same way bringing him to a Kiss concert like Artie's dad took him to a baseball game. Artie said Bach must have said ''cock'' about 10 times in front of the kids out there.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he had to go to court over weekend. He said he was in the back room where people were locked up and this guy said to him ''Did you see that pitch?'' and the guy was locked up in jail. Gary said that there's no way that story is true. Dominic said people yell out to him out on the street about it.
Howard said that guy Charlie that Artie mentioned earlier was on the phone. The guy said that he and Artie met the first time there at the stadium. Gary said that wasn't really him because he knows that guy. Artie asked him where they met and figured out it wasn't really him.
Wolfe called in and said that he has seen a better arm on a snake. He said he didn't get how he could do that so bad. Gary could have avoided most of this if he hadn't done the interview in the middle of the game that day.
Howard said he had the audio of Gary being interviewed about the pitch. That led to Artie goofing on Gary even more and naming the audio clip pages ''GGPP in red... Gary's Gay Pitch Page.'' Artie said that he wanted to see what the new field looked like so he went out to see it with his guy Joe on Saturday.
Howard said Artie is looking good and he lost a lot of weight. Artie said he's lost 40 pounds. Howard saw some of the video of the guys standing on the field and saw that guy Charlie and some of the other people that were out there with him.
Howard watched the video and saw Artie turn around and start laughing. Then he saw Charlie talking to Artie about the pitch. Artie was doubled over with laughter. Artie said that was the moment that Charlie told him the line about how he had seen a guy suck a cock and that pitch was still the gayest thing that he had ever seen.
A caller asked if they could get a close up of the people in the stands and what kind of reactions they had to the pitch. Howard said that he'd love to see that.
Artie said that these fans told him to bust Gary's balls and told him to say happy mother's day to their mom too.
Another caller said that was a great pitch. He said he loved the pitch. Howard thanked him for that. He wanted them to give Gary another chance to pitch. Artie said he'd love to throw out a pitch at a Yankees game but they're notoriously snooty. He said they may have an issue with the show but he'd love to try it. Howard said that George Steinbrenner used to be on the show all the time.
another caller asked Gary if this was more embarrassing than his love video that they played on the show. Gary said he hasn't decided on that yet. Howard said he thinks this might be more embarrassing.
Howard was going to play the audio of the interview that Gary did with this guy during the Mets game. Gary said he knew that this was set up in advance because he was going to talk about this autism charity.
Howard said he woke up kind of happy this morning because he knew the show was going to be easy based on what Gary did.
Howard said he told Gary not to do this. He went ahead and did it anyway. Artie said that if Gary was Scott DePace's son, Scott wouldn't even let him back in the house.
Howard said that he was going to play the audio of Gary talking about this pitch and how dopey Gary was for saying that this pitch wasn't even supposed to be aired. Gary said it wasn't supposed to be but they ended up playing it during the middle of the game. Gary was talking to the guys about the pitch and why he was there that day. Then they showed the pitch to Gary and Gary said that he was hoping it wouldn't end up on TV. The guys were all laughing at Gary and making fun of him for throwing so far to the right. The announcers knew that Gary was going to be goofed on relentlessly for the next two years about that.
Gary said the good news is that on his TV they cut that clip off early. He said he missed some of that conversation. Ralph told Howard he has to re-sign to stay on there because they can't let this go after just one more year.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he had to thank Gary for a great weekend of comedy for everyone on SFN. Sal called in as Gary's dead father but Howard hit the delay on him for whatever it was he said.
Howard and the guys continued to goof on Gary about the pitch. They had already gone an hour and 10 minutes talking about it.
Artie was still laughing his ass off every time he thought about it. Artie said it was a great New York moment because they're so brutally honest there in New York. Artie said the word ''fag'' was floating all over the place out there on the field.
Howard said Artie was doubled over in laughter after the pitch. Howard asked Gary how he's going to go on with his life. Gary said that it will pass. He said he had to go out and watch his kids play flag football and most people hadn't even seen the pitch. Gary said he figured that's all the people were going to talk about. He said Mary was worried that it was going to ruin the day.
Gary said one guy came over to him and asked him ''What was that?'' He said it was just the one guy yesterday. Then his in-laws came over and talked about it.
Gary said he went to sleep on Saturday night and woke up at 2 in the morning in a sweat. He said he can't get it off his mind. Gary said it was playing over and over in his head and he didn't know why he threw it the way he did.
Artie said that this is like Scott Norwood. He said he's the one who missed the 47 yard field goal in the Super Bowl for the winning kick. Artie said that there was an auto parts store called Norwood Auto Parts and they went out of business because they were part of the joke based on his bad kick. Artie said that this is never going to go away with Gary either.
Artie said that he had a gig that night and everyone there knew about the pitch. Gary said his instincts were right last week for him not to do it. Howard asked Gary if he thinks that he wanted to fail in some way and it was a psychological thing. Gary said he thinks that Howard is reading too much into it because he really wanted it to go well. He said that it just didn't happen.
Artie said he saw the look on Gary's face and it was that look of defeat that he's seen on the show when Fred will play one of the Baba Booey song parodies as he's trying to make a point.
Howard watched the video again where Gary threw the pitch. Gary bent over in defeat after throwing that pitch. Ralph said Gary ran out on the field kind of ''spazzy'' too.
Howard said Gary had stuck his tongue out when he was pitching too. Howard asked if the garage guys were heckling him too. Gary said that they weren't being so bad. Artie was making fun of Gary as if he were one of those guys. He was saying that he would park his gay car and calling Gary ''faga booey.''
Gary said that this guy John runs the garage and he didn't say much about it. He said that guy wouldn't let anyone off the hook for anything. He said he just made a quick comment about him missing the plate.
Artie said he would have told Gary how to call in sick this morning or told him that he should have made Benjy late.
Artie said that it was so perfect the way Howard set this whole story up this morning with his father calling him. Howard asked if they think that this is going to be prevalent on the show or will it go away. Gary said that it will be prevalent and it will not go away.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if they had ever seen that show ''Time Warp'' where they do this super slow motion thing. He said they have to get Gary's face on that.
Gary said the first time he saw the pitch was on a guy's video camera that he had taken at the field. He said it was much worse than he thought it was going to be.
Artie said that what Gary did for the autistic kids was great. He said that the parents all looked really tired and not so happy until the pitch. After the pitch they were all smiling.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said he was very sorry but he didn't expect anything less of him. Artie did his Jeff voice and told Gary that he throws like his ass looks and throws like he fucks. Howard said that Jeff could probably throw better with his bad arm than Gary threw. Jeff said that's probably true.
Howard said that Artie's 40 pound weight loss happened pretty quick. Artie said he got off the Subutex and that's what was causing the weight gain. He said he's eating better now too. Artie said he almost called Ralph to go see Star Trek yesterday. Ralph said he would go. Howard said he'd go again too. They were talking about going to see it in an Imax theater. They had to go to break a short time later.
JD Calls Ronnie's Auto Show ''The Most Boringest'' Show. 09/22/09. 7:50am
Howard asked if JD had recorded that car show that Ronnie did last night. JD came in and had some drool on his mouth. He said he was laughing.
JD told Howard that the show was the ''most boringest'' show he had ever heard. Howard asked him how he can talk like that after going to college. JD said that he didn't go to college. He went to Full Sail which is a place where you go to learn specific things. Howard said he thought it was a college but it's not. Gary said they do say it's a university. JD said he did get an associates degree going there.
JD said he listened to like 5 minutes of Ronnie's show and got bored so he stopped. He said that Scott the Engineer wasn't able to listen to it either. JD said they tried to listen to a story about Ronnie selling a lease on his truck and it was impossible to follow. Ronnie was going off on JD saying he can't even talk so he can't do his own show.
Ronnie said that Gary came in as a guest last night and he thought it was fun. Howard said he might have to take that show off the air. He told JD he was going to give him the power to cancel the show. Howard asked JD if it was bad. JD just laughed. Ronnie said he doesn't care either way but he's a stupid ass if he does cancel it.
JD said that the show isn't for his demographic so he's not sure what to say. JD said it might be for people who have cars to sell and stuff like that. JD said he doesn't have a car, he takes the subway.
Ronnie said JD did have a car. He said that he paid more for the car then he would if it was new. Ronnie said the car was the biggest piece of shit and he was paying like $600-700 a month for it. JD asked Ronnie if he knew what kind of car it was. Ronnie said it was a Dodge something. It was a Dodge Neon according to JD.
Howard asked JD if he should keep the show on the air or not. JD said he wasn't sure. He asked Ronnie how many callers they had. Ronnie didn't know. Ronnie told JD that he's a dead person if he gets his show taken off the air.
Ronnie said the show isn't just his. He said that they have Wayne Segal and some other guys who do the show. Ronnie said that Cadillac Sean didn't show up because he had to play softball.
Howard played some clips from the first show Ronnie did. Ronnie said that the first show was bad and he didn't want Howard to play clips. Howard went ahead with it anyway. Howard said he thinks he may have to take it off the air. He said it's boring. Ronnie said the show is getting better and even Jim McClure told him that it's getting better.
Howard said that Ronnie lived on this street that had some woods at the end of the street. They're going to build houses there and they're clearing the land near there. Ronnie said he went home last night and he heard tapping on the front door. The dog went nuts and ran out to the front window. Ronnie said there were 5 raccoons knocking on his door and they were walking away as he got to the front window. Ronnie said that they were doing the same thing to the other neighbor's houses. He said they've been displaced by the woods being taken down. He said that there are also some opossums that have been displaced because of the construction.
Howard said there should be a moratorium on building in some spots like that. Ronnie said that the house that was on the land was like 125 years old and now it's been sold to someone else and they're going to tear down that house and build some other houses on the property. Ronnie said the animals don't know where to go now. He said that the raccoons will attack you if you corner them.
Howard heard that Ronnie was talking to people about what kind of car is the best to have sex in. Ronnie said some girl called in and asked so he told her that a 1967 Dodge Dart was a good one. He said the show was good but that was one stupid question they answered.
Ronnie was going off on JD for not listening to the show and pulling clips for Howard to play. Howard said that he should have pulled something from the show. JD said that he wasn't able to get through it. Scott came in and said that he dares Howard to listen to the clip he just pulled. Howard said he would do that.
Howard played the clip where Ronnie was talking about going to lease a truck. He said he went to get a GMC Denali like he had already. He said that they don't have any to sell him though. He went on and on about how the truck wasn't available and he might be able to get one by the end of the year.
Robin said that JD was laughing through the whole thing so it was fun to listen to it with him. JD said that Ronnie was listening to it with his hand under his chin like The Thinker. Ronnie said he was not and he was just standing there.
In the clip Ronnie wondered why he wanted this car anyway because it looks the same as his 2007 model. There was a woman who asked Ronnie why he wasn't going to buy a Challenger from her. Ronnie said he wasn't ready to do that yet. He just said ''Not yet.''
Howard said they were half way through the clip and it was pretty boring. Howard said Mariann from Brooklyn liked the show. He picked up on her and she said that the show was pretty good. She said she thinks that her own show was the worst. She said that she thinks that Howard is longing for his partner and that's why he's so miserable lately.
Mariann said that Crazy Alice asked her to give a shout out to him. She said she can't call in herself. Mariann said that she wanted to hear about Howard's trip out to California. Ronnie told her that they're busy listening to his show.
JD said that Ronnie's show is like one of those TV shows where they just show the houses that are for sale. Ronnie went off on JD for not pulling clips and told him that he should have pulled clips from the show. JD said he was bored by it and he was trying to find interesting clips. Ronnie told him he was an asshole for not pulling clips.
Ronnie asked JD what clips he pulled when he came in at 2 in the morning. JD said he pulled some Obama clips. Ronnie said they've heard enough of the Obama stuff.
Howard said Obama apologized for tying up traffic there but he should just stop tying up traffic instead. Robin said he came here for a date night one time and that was ridiculous. She said he should just stay home.
Corky And Ronnie Battle Over The Auto Show. 09/22/09. 8:10am
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Howard has to try the ass licking thing. She assai that he has to try doing that to Beth or Beth has to do it to him. Howard said he's offered to do it to Beth but she won't let him do it. She told him to just work his way back there and it'll work.
The caller said that the surprise is the best. She said they both do it to each other and it's the best. Howard said he'd be really uptight if someone was back there with him. He said he knows he'd be stinky back there unless he just took a shower. He said he wouldn't want a minute to go by before he'd let someone go back there after a shower.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he was the guy who went to China a few weeks ago. He said he was going over to China to get his wife's daughter. Then the guy forgot why he called in so Howard had to hang up on him.
Another woman said she loves Robin and she's not sure how Robin can take it day after day with the guys giving her a hard time all the time. Howard said she loves it. Howard asked the caller if she's an ass licker. She said her husband loves it. She said he does it to her but she doesn't do it to him.
The caller said that Howard is giving her a hard time about what to wear on Jeopardy. Howard said he was just making some suggestions to do a fashion show for them there so they can pick out something for her to wear.
The woman asked why the credits on Howard TV run from top to bottom. Howard said Doug Goodstein is in charge of that. He said he doesn't know why they do that. Howard said he'll take a look at it.
Howard took a call from this guy Corky who was supposed to do the Auto show that Ronnie does. He showed up to do it but ended up walking out. Ronnie said that he came up there and he thought he was going to get his own show so he walked out of there. Ronnie said that he'll never come up there again and he'll never get his own show there.
Corky claims that the guys weren't willing to help out the consumer. Ronnie said the guy never gave anyone a chance and he walked out before the show even started. He said he was sweating like crazy. He said that Corky acted like a friggin' asshole when he showed up there. He said he went over and shook his hand and he treated him like an asshole.
Corky said Ronnie doesn't know the difference between cars and automobiles or anything about what they talk about on that show. He said that Wayne Segal guy has an attitude too. Ronnie said that Corky was the one with the attitude.
Ronnie went off on Corky and told him that the only show he's going to get is out on the corner of 42nd street. Ronnie said that Corky wanted to talk about his own car and no one cares about that shit.
Corky wanted to do his own auto show there but Howard told him he has to do it with Ronnie. Howard said Ronnie was willing to do the show with him.
Ronnie brought in Jim McClure who said that Howard told him he could do the show and he told Corky that he could sit in for the first 10 minutes and then they'd get to him. He said they would have him on as a special guest and Corky got all agitated and walked out about 2 minutes into the show. Jim said he was complaining about the lights being too bright up there and he was sweating and acting really strange.
Corky wasn't sure what to say about that. Corky said he wanted to do the show with Ronnie and not with all of the other guys there. He said that Wayne wasn't giving the right information to the consumer and he didn't like that. Ronnie asked how he knows that he wasn't giving the right information to the consumers. Corky said he listened to the show.
Howard asked Corky why he won't do the show the right way. Ronnie said that he'll show up with a machine gun if they let him up there. Jim said that he'd have to vote no on that too. He said that Corky is kind of freaky and he kind of sketched everyone out. Jim said he thinks the guy is crazy.
Corky was still complaining about Wayne Segal but Howard cut him off and said he tried to make it work. Ronnie said he was nice to the guy and he just acted weird. Jim said that a bunch of people thought he was just weird.
Robin said that maybe they have to meet this guy. Howard said they know corky. He said they gave him that name because they thought he looked a little bit like Corky from ''Life Goes On.'' Howard let Corky go and said he had to take another break. He said that he was going to play a game after the break.
JD Cancels Ronnie's Radio Show. 09/22/09. 9:30am
Howard wanted to move on to the news. He had Steve Langford come in with his news preview. Steve had a story about a reporter who has asked for Stuttering John be brought back on the air. Steve said that they've also lost even more ratings. Conan lost out big time to David Letterman last night. Howard said that Jay is going to tank and he's going to take the rest of the network down with him.
Steve said that Joe Buck's show is coming back tonight and there are people who are thinking that Artie may appear via tape on that show.
Steve said that Bubba the Love Sponge was also in a TV interview down in Tampa talking about what a great guy Howard is.
Steve had a story about Dan Rather who is suing CBS over what happened to him there at CBS. Howard said that Dan is going about that in the right way and he shouldn't have been fired the way he was.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the stuff they would be discussing on today's show. They ended up talking about JD's comments about Ronnie's radio show and how JD choked by not pulling the trigger on canceling Ronnie's radio show. Howard did his impression of JD and goofed on him about the way he hesitated on canceling Ronnie's show.
JD came in and told Howard to cancel it. Howard told JD it's up to him. He asked JD if he wanted to give him a shot doing his show once in a while or should they take it away permanently. JD told Howard to just cancel it. He said if there's an outcry for the show then they can bring it back. Howard said there won't be any outcry.
Howard said he told JD he had the power. Howard asked him if he wanted to cancel it or not. Ronnie came in and JD told Ronnie that his show was canceled. Howard said that JD just canceled Ronnie's show. JD was laughing during the whole thing. Ronnie said that it meant a lot to him to have that show. JD stammered and asked if he could cancel it and bring it back if there's an outcry. Howard said there won't be any outcry.
JD told Howard to go ahead and cancel it. Howard said it's done then. Howard told Ronnie that the show is canceled. Ronnie said ''Whatever... '' Howard asked Ronnie if he had anything to say to JD. Ronnie said that he gave him the power to do it so that's fine. He said he goes by what Howard says and Howard gave JD the power so he's just going to walk away. He said he'll never speak to JD again though.
Ronnie said that JD is a little jealous asshole because he doesn't have his own show. JD said that he doesn't have anything to do a show about.
Ronnie said it's fine if JD wants to be an asshole. He said he'll take it and walk away. Ronnie said that JD doesn't do anything back there in his office but watch TV and throw people under the bus in the office. He said he's an asshole walking around the halls there instead of doing his job.
Howard said that he gave JD the power and this is his decision. Ronnie said that JD is a piece of shit, that's all he has to say. Howard asked JD if there were any other shows he wanted to cancel. JD said there were none right now. He said he likes everyone else. Howard said that Mumblini has spoken.
Howard said that was a stunning show of leadership. He said that JD showed some balls there. JD said he can't wait for today's Wrap Up Show. JD was going to try and explain something but he just gave up halfway through his sentence.
Ronnie came back in and asked JD if he was just saying that his world was crumbling. JD said that he said it's NOT like his world is crumbling. Ronnie didn't care and ended up throwing his headphones down and walked out. Howard asked if JD is welcome at Rick's tonight. Ronnie said that it's not good enough for him.
Ronnie said that one of his buddies won't let JD into the club with sneakers on. He said that Rick's will let him in but the other place won't.
Ronnie said that JD had the power and took it out on him. He said he doesn't care about that. JD said it's obvious he does. Ronnie repeated ''I don't care!'' over and over.
Howard said having the power isn't always easy. JD said he didn't ask for the power, it was just bestowed on him. Howard asked JD if he's okay with Miserable Men. JD said that's fine. Howard said he's going to give JD the power again sometime in the future to cancel a show.
Howard said that was quite a moment there. He took a call from a guy who said that it was the best radio ever. He said JD standing up to Ronnie is a step in the right direction. It's like a Revenge of the Nerds kind of thing.
Jon Hein got back to his Wrap Up Show preview and ran down some more subjects for today's show. Howard thanked him for that and said that he should have a big show with JD today.
King of all Blacks called in and said that he likes Ronnie's show but he's prefer that Ronnie not be on the show. Howard said he won't have to worry about it now because the show has been canceled. King said he had a question for him and asked what they did to the 2010 S550 compared to the 2009. He just wanted to see if he knew anything about that. Howard thanked King and let him go. He said that Ronnie wasn't coming in to talk about that.
Actor Wilmer Valderrama Visits. 03/27/06. 7:35am
After the break Howard had the guys bring in actor Wilmer Valderrama. Howard said that this guy is getting more pussy than anyone out there. He asked if he pronounces his name Vilmer or Wilmer. Wilmer said it's just ''Wilmer'' but people call him Vilmer for some strange reason. Howard read that Wilmer used to be kind of like the guy Pedro in ''Napoleon Dynamite'' before he learned the language. Wilmer was born in Miami but he was taken back to Venezuela where he grew up. He was then brought back to this country and didn't know the language very well. That's why he was like Pedro.
Wilmer said that when he was down in Venezuela, around the age of 14, he was able to get laid. He had sex before he left there. Howard asked him if he was getting any girls during the high school years. He said he was always trying to figure out how he was going to be able to get a cup of coffee. He joined a theater department in school and eventually went on to get some commercial work. After that he got a job on ''That 70's Show.''
Wilmer said that his parents are so proud that they don't ask for anything so he has to take care of them himself. He said that he bought them a place to live. He's got a sister who did a little modeling so she takes care of herself. He's got a couple of other siblings that he's going to do some stuff for though.
Howard said that Wilmer dated Lindsay Lohan so Artie figured that he must have taken her virginity. Wilmer said he just met her like last year. He's also dated Ashlee Simpson so Artie figured he must have banged her as well. Fred was playing some porn clips of a woman screaming and Wilmer said that it was louder than that.
Wilmer said that his first celebrity date was with Ariana Richards when he was about 17 years old. Howard told him that he's like the Venezuelan John Stamos. Howard asked him if Lindsay's boobs are real. Wilmer said that they are. Artie asked him what it's like to see his dick disappearing into those tits. Wilmer said it's pretty amazing actually.
Howard read that Wilmer also dated Mandy Moore. After every name that Howard mentioned, Artie would say ''You fucked ___?!'' He's nailed a lot of hot chicks from what they can tell. Howard asked him if he got Mandy when he was doing ''That 70's Show.'' Wilmer said that the moral of the story is that everyone should get a sitcom because that's how all of this went down. He told Howard that Mandy is a very attractive girl.
Wilmer went on to say that he's the kind of guy who doesn't hang out in the VIP room roped off from everyone else. He doesn't have that kind of attitude and that's what the women must be attracted to. He said that he could be fired any day now and if he doesn't make friends now, he could lose all of that when he loses his job.
Wilmer told the guys how he met Mandy Moore. He said that they were each other's first loves so Howard figured he took her virginity. He wanted a high five from Wilmer when he heard that. He said he's never taken the virginity of any woman so he doesn't know what that's like. Artie said that the closest he came was being a girl's 14th. Wilmer said that he's a huge fan of the show and he's a bit star struck sitting in the studio this morning.
Howard asked Wilmer what it's like to pop that hymen for the first time. Wilmer was trying to avoid answering the question. He did say that it's not like warm apple pie the first time. He said that it's really good though. Howard asked him if he can get all of the other stuff like oral and things like that. Wilmer said that you have to be into doing all of that stuff when you're in a relationship.
Wilmer said that he met Mandy and told her that she was good looking and that brought the room to a stop because no one talks to her like that. He said he went to pick her up at the hotel and her mother told him that she had changed her shirt 3 times already. He took her out to eat at and took it from there.
Howard said that he needs about 7 hours to interview this guy. He went through the list of the girls he's dated. He asked him about each girl after mentioning their names...
Wilmer told Howard that two things go through your head. He said that ''Holy shit, is this really happening?'' goes through your head and then you concentrate on lasting a long time. Howard asked him if he has to wear a big, thick rubber so he lasts a long time. Wilmer said that all of the girls are pretty normal once you get to know them.
Howard said that he's been with some pretty famous chicks and he's thought about how crazy it is when he realizes who he's banging. Wilmer said that he's been doing ''That 70's Show'' for 8 1/2 years now. It must be a normal thing for him by this time.
Howard asked Wilmer if Lindsay was anorexic when he was dating her. He said that she lost the weight after they dated so she wasn't like that when he was with her. Howard asked her if she had the bright red hair down below. Wilmer said that she didn't have any hair down there and she really pampered herself. He said that she was one of the best girls that he's had in bed too. Artie asked him if he thinks that she's a shittier actor or singer. Howard and Wilmer think that she's a good actress. Wilmer said that she's a very talented girl.
Howard asked Wilmer about Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. He said that they're both wonderful people as well. Howard couldn't get over the Lindsay Lohan thing so he got back to that. He read that Lindsay was so jealous of other girls that she would erase numbers from his cell phone. Howard also asked him about Ashlee Simpson and Wilmer said he didn't do her. Howard told him that he would stick his finger up her ass if he was doing her. Wilmer was saying that he didn't have sex with her but the guys weren't going for that.
Howard asked him if he's ever had two chicks at the same time. Wilmer said he would never lie to his fans... yes, he has had two women at the same time. Howard asked him who he's with now. Wilmer said he's single right now. Howard told him that he's out of control and thought that he was lying about not having gotten Jessica Alba.
Howard saw that Wilmer owns a huge house in the San Fernando Valley. Wilmer said that he just bought Chuck Norris' house. He also talked to Howard about the new TV show he has going on with MTV. He said that the show is called ''Yo Mama'' and they do a rank out type thing with the contestants on the show. The winner gets $1,000 and then they have the best of the best come back and compete against each other.
Howard said that it doesn't get better than this guy's life. His new show starts on April 3rd on MTV. Howard asked him who he thinks is the hottest chick out there right now. He mentioned Angelina Jolie. Howard spent a minute talking about that and then went through some ''Yo Mama'' jokes. Wilmer said that he has a couple of favorites that he likes and they're going to get into some pretty harsh stuff when they play it on MTV. Howard wanted to get back to the Lindsay Lohan discussion again. He talked to Wilmer about her for a short time and then Gary came in and said he wanted to ask about a product placement thing he did on Jimmy Kimmel's show.
Howard asked Wilmer about that and Wilmer said that he does get paid to do events for that game he was promoting that day. Howard played the clip they had from that show where Wilmer plugged the game ''Halo 2.'' He worked his way into that discussion pretty smoothly though.
Howard took some phone calls for Wilmer and one guy asked if he had any video of these girls he's been with. Wilmer said that he has videotaped some of his experiences but he's erased them afterward so they don't end up on the web or something.
Double A called in and asked Wilmer if he's done anything with Alyssa Milano. Wilmer said he hasn't been with her. Double A also asked Howard if he would let Beth O work with this guy. Howard said no way to that. He asked Wilmer if he's actually bigger than 8 inches. Wilmer said he is slightly larger than 8. Howard asked if he could measure him. Robin was saying that she was getting turned on just thinking about this guy but she wasn't picturing his 8 inches or anything. Artie told her to look at him to calm herself down.
Bong Hit Eric called in and asked if they get stoned for real when they're doing the scenes on ''That 70's Show.'' He said that he doesn't get stoned and never has. He swore on his family that he's never done that. Howard said most people do that stuff to forget their lives, this guy has no reason to do that.
Howard read that Wilmer is going to be in a remake of CHiPs playing the part of Ponch. Howard said he might have to come down to the set and hang out with him sometime. Howard asked him to do a quick F, Marry, Kill game. Here are the names he gave him and what Wilmer said he would do...
Wilmer said that ''That 70's Show'' is coming to an end on May 18th. He said that they were lucky enough to get a second round of syndication and Artie went nuts when he heard that. He said that this dude has to be worth about $15 million right now. Wilmer said that it's very exciting right now because the show did so well. He said that the show came to him and his family when they needed it most. He told Howard that the show will be an hour long and they'll have some behind the scenes stuff. Howard told Wilmer he wants him to come back and talk about if any of these girls have pissed his bed. He asked him if he's had anal with any of the girls, without naming names. Wilmer said 'yes' when he was asked and he wouldn't say who it was.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Wilmer should call in each Friday, instead of Mike Walker, and he can tell four stories and they have to figure out which one is fake. Another caller said that Artie has to shut up and let the guy talk. Artie said ''fuck you asshole'' and told him to fuck off. Howard told Wilmer he can come in anytime because he is ''the man.'' Howard said he could hang with this guy but he'd have to kill him. He said he was able to hang out with Stamos even though it's a little intimidating. Artie said you get hit with ''pussy shrapnel'' when you hang around guys like that though. Howard took one last call for Wilmer and the guy said that he's a great guest because he was actually talking about this stuff on the show. Howard wrapped up after that call.
Ringo, What Did You Do With The Money... 05/28/07. 6:05am
Jackie the Joke Man was up next talking about the interview Stuttering John did with Ringo Starr. Jackie said he remembered writing questions for him to ask Ringo. Fred and Howard chimed in on that as well talking about how wrong it was to ask that question. That segment where Stuttering John asked Ringo ''What are you going to do with the money?'' and Ringo says ''What money?'' to which John says ''The money your mother gave you for singing lessons.''
In the old segment Howard talked about sending John out to do the interview and what happened to him after he asked the questions. Howard explained how it was supposed to be carried on their station but they did some odd things where they cut it off and didn't play the question and answer segment. He asked John if Ringo answered the question ''What did you do with the money?'' with a ''What money?'' John said he did so Howard talked about how he and Jackie were slapping each other five when they heard that.
Howard played the audio of John asking his questions and getting glib answers from Ringo. Howard got to the money question and let out some ''Ooos and Ahhhs'' when he heard it. He said it was the worst day ever for Ringo. He told John he's got balls asking a question like that... Then he replayed it. Howard then laughed his ass off when he heard the question for the second time. John also asked ''Was it easy writing 'It Don't Come Easy'?'' John said that it sounded like Scott had edited his stutter to make it worse. Howard said they did edit it a little bit but not all that much. He played the unedited audio and it was still quite a stutter.
Today's Howard Stern's Staff Picks was over around 10:40am.
Scott The Engineer's Push-Up Challenge. 01/07/1998. 6:00am
Howard and the guys talked about how Scott the Engineer hadn't shown up for work this morning. He was supposed to be doing his push-up challenge. Howard and the guys were debating over whether or not Scott would be able to do the 17 push-ups he was supposed to do. Robin said she doesn't think that he can do more than 2. Howard pointed out that he had lost 45 pounds in the months that he had been preparing for the event. He figures that since Scott is such a loser, he's going to lose. Howard is sure that he will fail and will not be able to complete the challenge.
Gary said that he was wondering what human would put himself in the situation that Scott did because he'd have to walk down the street naked if he lost. Howard said that guy is a loser and putting up the money they did shouldn't be an issue because they're sure he's going to lose. Howard said it's not a bet of luck, it's Scott betting on his inner-self so he will lose.
Howard said Dominic Barbara called him and said that Scott has set them up and he thinks he's going to be able to do it. No one believes that's the case though. Howard said he has a show to do today and he's not going to spend it all on Scott.
A caller told Howard that Scott will not be able to pull this off today. Howard agreed. Six weeks ago the guy couldn't do 2 push-ups so the guy is a mess. Ronnie the Limo Driver and Ralph were in the studio so Howard talked to them about the whole thing. Ronnie said he saw Scott going to the gym with his trainer Radu earlier. Ralph noticed that they had some paramedics standing by out in the hall.
After an edited out break Howard came back to the push-up challenge with song parodies about Scott. Gary said that Scott had just shown up to work and he had a huge entourage of Radu and many other people. He was surrounded by a bunch of people with a really serious look on his face. Stuttering John said Scott isn't even talking to anyone out there.
Gary came in and said that there was a lot of stuff going on out there. Scott is out in the green room circled by his entourage. He's got the serious face on and isn't talking to anyone. He said it's almost like a movie with Radu giving him motivational talks and stuff. Robin said he doesn't need that for a push-up challenge. Gary also said that Radu and Scott's original trainer almost got into a fight after someone accused Scott of using steroids. Howard said he's been in a rage lately and played some tape of him freaking out on Mike Gange recently. He yelled at him to get out of his face after they had played some tape he didn't want played. Howard replayed the clip after Fred did an impression of Scott yelling.
Gary said that their old intern Dean was going to be judging the push-up challenge. After that we heard a Scott the Engineer commercial parody for a play called ''Get outta my face!'' They played another Scott the Engineer song parody after that. The parody had clips of Scott's rampage in it. There was also a ''Scream 3'' commercial parody which included that rampage as well.
Howard said that he and Robin have put up $20,000 of their money and the other guys have put up various amounts of money for Scott and it all adds up to over $31,000. If Scott loses, he owes them some money and has to walk down the street naked.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the type of push-ups Scott will be doing are very hard. Howard said Scott is 44 years old and just dropped 45 pounds in 10 weeks so he's not going to be able to do it. Howard took another call from a guy who thinks that Scott can do this and he and his company are willing to put up $50,000 saying that Scott can do it. Howard didn't want to deal with the guy because he wasn't getting to his point, so he hung up on him.
Howard went through the list of guys in the room which included Ronnie, Ralph, Neil Drake and Al Rosenberg (as Mya Angelou). Howard took more phone calls and talked about what was coming up after that. He figured Scott would be out on the street naked within 35 minutes or so. Howard heard that Scott's wife might actually be there but Scott tries to keep her away from them. The guys goofed on her a little bit and did their impressions of her. Gary came back in and told Howard that Scott's wife was not there.
Howard heard that Scott was wearing a t-shirt and the guys were wondering if he was going to remove it. Gary said that Radu doesn't want any talk with Scott, he just wants him to come in and do his thing. Howard said that's not going to happen, the show is a talk show so he has to talk.
Dominic Barbara said he saw Scott and he looks really thin so he thinks he can do this no problem. Radu's partner came in and quickly told Howard they want Scott to just do his push-ups. Howard said he has to explain the rules to Scott and he's in charge of this whole thing so he's going to talk if he wants to. Howard said he runs the radio show, not anyone else.
Later in the show Howard and the guys were prepared for this challenge. They had Scott in the studio and he was looking thinner. Howard said he still looks like a loser though. He said Scott was wearing a t-shirt that was acceptable to him. Robin agreed on that. Ralph was calling Scott a loser so Scott lost it and called him a loser and freaked out on him, screaming that he was a faggot. Radu calmed him down and told him not to play the game.
Howard gave Scott the rules about how he had to touch the fist on the floor for the push-up to count. Scott agreed to the rules so they got into the challenge a short time later. Radu was telling Scott that this was it and he was ready to go. They went right into the challenge a few seconds later. Scott went through his push-ups with Radu and his guys cheering him on.
After the push-ups there was some controversy about whether or not he had completed the challenge. Scott and his entourage thought he had completed it. Howard wanted to know if he actually did do 17 push-ups. The judge said that he didn't do it so Scott freaked out on him and told the guys that they'd better pay off. Howard was going to go around the room and ask the rest of the guys if they thought he had done the 17. Dominic said his chest never touched. The judge said that he didn't do the 17 so that's what they were going by.
Scott started yelling at Howard for welching on the bet. He said that the counter said he did 19 push-ups. Dominic thought it would be fair to let Scott rest for a little while and then have him do them again. Howard said he asked Dean if he did them or not and he said he didn't. Howard told Dean to go look at the tape and come back with an answer. We heard some Scott song parodies after that.
Howard said some of the guys were telling him to just give Scott the money even if he didn't do what he was supposed to do. Gary said that they were not quality push-ups. Howard agreed and said that Doug did some the other day and he did some ''real'' push-ups. Howard said there were people yelling out that he had done 17 push-ups but they were Scott's entourage. Howard said Tom Chiusano told him that maybe they should just pay him off but he really doesn't want to do that. He wants it to be fair to everyone. Robin said Scott knew what he had to do to win this $30,000 and he didn't come through.
Howard had Scott in the studio and told him what the push-ups were supposed to be with his chest touching Dean's fist. Scott said that's what he did but the guys disagreed and said that he didn't do quality push-ups. Scott wanted to see Gary do 20 for him so Gary went down to the floor and did a few for him. Scott didn't think they were very good.
Dean came in and told Howard that after he reviewed the tape, he believes that Scott did do the push-ups. He said that he floundered after the initial decision but now that he's seen the tape, he's changed his decision. Howard said that Scott is still a loser and he doesn't know if he should go with the initial decision or the changed one. Howard eventually said that he was going to give Scott his money. He had Radu yelling out that he did 17 when he really didn't even do 2. No one could hear because of that.
Gary said that those push-ups weren't acceptable and Radu knew it. Howard said if Scott was honorable, he'd admit that they weren't good push-ups. Robin asked him to do one real push-up for them to prove he knows what one is. Scott wasn't going to do it.
The E! guys were showing some tape of Scott's push-ups and none of the guys thought he was doing them correctly. Howard said he was nowhere near the floor with his chest. Scott bragged that his knees never touched the ground. Dean said he was going to take responsibility for the whole thing but Howard pointed out that he's not the one paying. Everyone else has to pay Scott now. Howard told Scott he didn't do the push-ups but he will write the check for ten grand. Robin said she's going to do it as well.
Howard said there were people out on the street waiting to see Scott naked. He told Scott to go take his victory walk and brag about doing his push-ups. Scott said he wasn't going to do that. That was it for the replay of the push-up challenge. They went into the replay of the next day after a commercial break.
Push-Up Challenge And Other Discussions. 01/08/1998. 6:50am (Master Tape Time)
Howard started off the show talking about the day before when Scott the Engineer did his push-up challenge. He said he will discuss what he plans to do with Scott after that whole thing. He said he just came to a conclusion this morning.
He mentioned that Norm MacDonald would be coming in later in the morning. He got fired from Saturday Night Live and they'll talk about that. Howard said Norm was great on SNL and they've replaced him with Colin Quinn which he thinks is a mistake.
Howard said that Scott came in this morning as a nice guy, unlike yesterday. He said Scott really wants that money and he's spoken to a few people about that. He said he had a lot of stuff to talk about after that as well. They were on vacation and they had a lot of stuff going on during vacation. He said they got the biggest ratings of their careers and barely a mention in the news. He mentioned that Scott's push-up challenge aired last night on E! and they had an 800 number set up for people to vote on if they thought he did the 17 or not. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Howard's Final Decision On Scott's Push-Ups. 01/08/1998. 7:10am
After the break Howard took a call from a guy who said that there's no way Scott did the push-ups. Howard went on to say that Scott was man enough to come in and admit that he was a little carried away yesterday. He said he knows they came off badly on the air but after people saw the tape, they should know that they weren't being that bad.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he thinks that Scott believes he did the push-ups. Howard said he knows the referee got a little overwhelmed too. He said that all of the guys there knew that Scott wasn't doing the push-ups. His back wasn't straight and his hips and stomach would come down and touch the floor. He could barely even do that though. Howard said he might be misguided in his thinking. He knows that Scott worked very hard and they expected him to do the push-ups. He said he wanted to be fair to the guy and figured he'd give him the money anyway. He said Scott called him a welcher and he said he never welches on his bets.
Howard said he asked the ref if Scott had done the push-ups and when he said he didn't do them, he should have gone out on the street to walk around naked. Scott was the one who was welching on his bet. Scott didn't agree and said that he did his push-ups and he wasn't going to go walk on the street naked.
Howard told Scott that he should prove that he can do just one good push-up and they'd be happy with that. Scott said he didn't know he was being judged on form. Howard said of course he was, that's what he explained to him before the challenge started. Howard played some audio clips of Scott yelling at him the day before when he said he wasn't going to pay off on the bet. Howard said he went off on him like he was insane.
Howard said he talked to some guys about the whole thing and they thought that he shouldn't pay off. Gary said that he showed the tape to some people and they didn't think that he did more than 6 good push-ups. Howard told Scott that he didn't really do good push-ups and he probably shouldn't pay him. Howard said you're supposed to break the 90 degree plane but Scott didn't even come close to that. Howard said he could do 1000 push-ups the way Scott was doing them. He said Scott is the welcher on this bet and he shouldn't have to pay him.
Howard said Scott didn't do one push-up. What he was doing was resting on the floor. Scott disagreed of course. Howard said he wanted to explain to Scott why he wasn't going to get a penny from him so that's why he was doing this. He took a call from a guy who said that he backs Howard up in this whole thing and said that Scott doesn't deserve the money. Robin said they told him many times what the definition of a perfect push-up was and he still didn't do them. Gary said that he heard from the guys who were in the studio and they didn't want to pay off because of the way things were going. They said they would pay off if Howard was going to pay off though.
Howard told Scott he knew that he wasn't going to be able to do the challenge. He knows that Scott wants that money but he feels that Scott didn't win so he should be paying off on his bet. Steve Grillo came in and said that Scott didn't do the push-ups and he doesn't deserve the money. Howard said that Scott quit smoking and his horrible personalty came out after that. His yelling during the challenge really threw off Dean who was the referee in the event. That led to Howard playing some clips of Scott screaming at them yesterday.
Howard said Scott was like a guy in a Tyson fight but he had no one to fight. He was screaming at them and threatening them but no one was doing anything. Howard took another call and the guy told Scott he was going way too fast during the push-ups. Howard told Scott he didn't do push-ups, he was doing the worm. He felt so bad for him that he was going to give him the money anyway. Robin said she felt the same way. Howard took some more calls and people were telling him not to pay off on the bet. Howard said he knew Scott would never pay up on his side of the bet if he lost.
Gary said that Scott crumbled at the end of the challenge so he wasn't even ready for that. Howard went through a few more phone calls and let some more people comment on what went on. Dominic Barbara called in and said that maybe they should have a compromise. He'd feel better if they came to some kind of compromise and paid Scott something. He didn't think that they had been fair to Scott telling him that his push-ups weren't very good. Robin said she was saying something yesterday. Steve Grillo said Scott obviously wasn't trained to do good push-ups, he was trained to touch his chest on the fist.
Howard said Scott came in and did what he could do. Scott said he was doing 20 push-ups five times a day when he was training. The guys figured that they didn't look the same when he was doing those as they did when he did them in the studio. Howard said at least Scott did something. He said he's pretty sure that the poll they took will be overwhelmingly on their side, not on Scott's. The guys wanted Scott to do the push-ups today but Scott wasn't going to be doing them. He kept saying he didn't know he was being judged on form. Steve told him that push-ups are all about form so that's a lame excuse.
Robin wanted to call Scott a name so bad. Howard took more calls and one guy said he looked like a murderer running around the studio the way he was. Howard asked Scott if he took any steroids because he was running around in a rage. Scott said he didn't take anything like that. Howard played some more tape of him freaking out and talked about that a little bit more. Howard said Scott bullied Dean and he bullied him as well.
Nicole Bass called in and said that if Scott had any honor he wouldn't take the money. He just wants to take it because he wants it. She said those were not push-ups at all. She was also wondering why he was wearing a weight lifting belt. They spent a little time talking about how good it is that Scott lost some weight but they still weren't good push-ups.
Howard said that he's been doing push-ups for years to get to the point where he is. Scott trying to do that in 6 weeks wasn't going to work. Howard said his decision was final and he wasn't going to give him the money. Scott was saying that he didn't even care about the money that much. Howard said that this is the Scott who got him to give him money to start his DJ business. He was still thinking about changing his mind about giving him the money but he wanted Scott to agree that he didn't do them right. Scott kept saying, over and over again, that he ''did what he had to do.''
Robin asked Scott if he would have wanted to have seen the job done well if he had paid for something. Scott didn't answer. Howard took a call from a guy who said those were the most ridiculous things he's ever seen. He thinks that Scott didn't do them right at all. He said Scott was just born to be a loser and that's what he is.
Stuttering John suggested that they have Scott walk down the street naked and they'd give him the money. Scott wasn't going to do that so Howard told him to go stare at the wall in his studio. The money was right there for him but he wasn't going to take it. Scott said the money was secondary and he thinks he accomplished a lot even without it. He figures he can get that money some other way. Howard told him he'd have to put a gun to a bank teller's head to get that kind of money.
Howard thanked Scott and let him go but Robin was still thinking about paying him. She said the whole thing stinks. Howard said he loves Robin because she's so tender on the inside. He reminded her about a story where she got ripped off for $20 from some guy who gave her some sob story about his sick kid and wife being in the car. It was a scam but she gave up twenty bucks even though the guy only asked her for five. She said it does feel like Scott is stealing her money.
Scott was back in the studio but Howard kept saying he wanted to end the boring discussion. He kept offering the money to Scott if he would just admit that he didn't do the push-ups the right way. Scott would only say that he did what he had to do. He wouldn't admit defeat. Dominic Barbara called in and said he was going to pay Scott his part of the money. His wife was going nuts over it and she thinks that Scott did what he had to do. Gary said Scott does have the women's vote and that may be because of the way Scott did them. He did them like a woman might do them.
The guys were arguing about some of the rules in the contest. Robin said that they had an unpaid intern judging those push-ups and he should have stopped him way before he did. She said they could have had a forfeit if Dean had just pulled his hand out of there.
Howard asked Scott one more time if he did the push-ups. Scott said he did them. He knows he didn't do them perfectly straight and the exact way they wanted him to, but he did touch the hand. He said he went down and came back up and that's what he thought he had to do. He insisted that he did what he had to do for the challenge. He told Howard what he thought the rules were but everyone told him he was out of his mind.
Gary told Howard that Scott's wife was on the phone. Howard took the call and she told Scott not to admit to anything for the money. She thinks that he did the 17 push-ups and did a great job. She insisted that he did 17 push-ups but Howard told her to come in there and he'd show her what a real push-up was. Scott said the money really isn't relevant to him.
Howard told Scott's wife that Scott was saying that he did what he had to do. She agreed and said he did that. Howard told Scott to just admit that he didn't do them. Scott refused to do that. Howard had a blank check with him and said he would write the $10,000 right then if he just admitted that his hips and thighs touched the ground when he did the push-ups. Scott wouldn't admit it. He was remaining silent. He thought about it for a short time and said that he couldn't remember. He figured that his thighs may have touched even though his knees didn't. He said he knows his belly may have touched but he had to do that to touch Dean's fist. Robin said Scott refuses to look at the truth, that's all there is to it.
Scott said he didn't remember exactly what happened. Fred said that he loves Scott at one point so Howard asked Scott's wife Robin if she even loves him. She said she does of course. Scott said she almost threw him out a window while he was training because of his ''steroid rage.'' Howard told Robin that he would pay off Scott if he really thought he had done them right. Scott was still saying he did what he had to do.
Howard took a call from Danny Baldwin who said he had to get up at 3 in the morning to hear what the outcome was today. He said he was out shooting a movie and had to listen early yesterday. He also thought it was funny that Scott's wife was almost ready to break when Howard said that Radu was even saying he didn't do them right. Danny didn't get to see the E! show the night before because he was busy working.
Howard said he just wants Scott to admit he didn't do the push-ups and he would give him the money. Robin said she would feel better if he did that too. She said he has to be mentally ill not to just admit to it. Scott said that they weren't perfect, he knows that. He still thought he had stuck to the rules as he knew them though. That line ''I did what I had to do'' kept coming out every few minutes.
Howard offered Scott one more chance to admit that he didn't do them. Scott said ''I did what I had to do'' which got Stuttering John laughing at him. Scott said he knows he didn't do them the way they thought he should have been doing them. Scott said he didn't have a choice as far as touching his belly. He was feeling for the hand when he was putting his belly down. Robin and Howard said that they felt that they were being railroaded by this whole thing.
Howard told Scott to just admit he did the worm and not push-ups. Scott said his back did waver a little bit. He wouldn't come out and just say that's what he was doing though. Howard and Robin told him he was doing ''worms'' and not push-ups. Howard kept asking Scott if he did worms or push-ups and he seemed to be starting to crumble. He admitted that his back wasn't straight all the time. Howard wanted to end it but they kept going over the same things over and over again.
Howard said he wanted to see Scott do 5 real push-ups and he'd give him the money. Gary said they're willing to give Scott all that money if he can just prove he can do 5 real push-ups. Gary said he'd whip off all of his clothes and walk down the street naked for Scott's money. Howard wasn't going to do that. He stayed with Scott for a little longer and said that he was trying to give him the money but he wasn't taking it. Scott said he was trying to look like a good guy by doing that.
Robin said Scott planned to cheat them all along as far as she's concerned. Scott said that's not true at all. He said he did push-ups the way he thought he had to. Howard wanted Gary to pull some tape of them talking about how they wanted them done. Howard just told Scott to admit that he didn't do them the way they wanted and he'd give him the money. They went back and forth on that for a while but Scott still wasn't admitting to it.
Howard asked Scott to admit, man to man, that he did push-ups. Scott said he did 17 push-ups that weren't all that great. Howard said he had spent an hour and a half on this so far and it was enough already. Gary came in and said that he pulled tape and found that Howard had told Scott to do 17 ''perfect'' push-ups to win the money. Scott said he's not a cheat and he's not trying to lie and take their money.
Howard told Scott to get out and he wasn't giving him any money. Scott said Howard did give him a chance to take his money but he refused to agree to his terms. Howard still asked Scott if he did 17 perfect push-ups but he wouldn't admit to anything. Scott said he wasn't going to lie and admit to anything just to take their money. Robin said if he took their money, he would be lying. Scott said he wasn't taking their money and he's not lying.
Howard told Scott he's a mush and a loser and he'll never have any respect for him. He booted him out of the studio and said he had to take a break. Doug Goodstein came in and demonstrated what a good push-up was. He got on the floor and did a bunch to demonstrate. Howard asked Scott if he did anything like that. Scott said he guesses they didn't look like that.
Howard asked Scott to tell him if he thinks he won the bet yesterday. Scott still wasn't admitting to anything. Doug said he was a big supporter of Scott's and told him he should just do 5 today to prove he can do them. Howard said he was done with the discussion at that point and played a song parody about him and then went to break.
Scott The Engineer Admits Defeat. 01/08/1998. 8:30am
After the break Howard said that their Cleveland affiliate, WNCX, sent him a note saying that Imus was booted off the air out there. He spent a minute talking about that and said that Imus was tied for last place with some other show. Scott the Engineer was still in the studio so Howard was going to get to him after the Imus thing. He read through the note he got before getting back to Scott.
Howard said the ratings came out in New York and they had the highest ratings for the show ever. They didn't have much about it in the newspaper though. He got back to Scott and Scott said that he just viewed the tape with a clear mind and he's admitting that he didn't do 17 perfect push-ups. Howard told him he just wanted to prove his point and wanted him to admit he didn't do them perfectly. He said that Scott is a loser and he will always be a loser.
Scott said he was psyched out yesterday and that's what happened to him. He said he can't do them very well. Howard said that he choked, that's all there is to it. Robin said that even Radu was saying that Scott could do them perfectly until he got into the studio. Howard asked Scott why he thinks that happened to him. Gary said he knew... because he's a loser. Howard said he was going to pay Scott off because he is a loser and he won't have the ability to make that money again.
Howard said a loser chokes under pressure and that's what happened to him. Gary told him he looks great after losing the weight though. Scott said he's not done yet after Howard said he still looks awful to him. Howard figures he will gain it all back though. Scott insisted that he wouldn't gain it back. Howard told him he's a loser and he will go back to eating the crap he eats and gain that weight back.
Howard said he was going to write him the check for $10,000 even though Scott didn't win. He said he knows Scott and he knew this was going to happen. He said that Scott is pathetic and that's why he's getting paid. He's sad and pathetic and it's like giving to charity as far as he's concerned. He was happy that Scott became a man and admitted that he was wrong. In his eyes that meant that it was the start of him working his way to become a winner. He had to go to break after that.
Jillian Barberie Visits. 06/11/09. 8:45am
Howard said Jillian Barberie was finally there. She came in a short time later. Howard said she's the host of a show in Los Angeles called Good Day L.A. Jillian said she talks about Howard almost every day on that show. Howard thanked her for that. He said she was looking very sexy today.
Howard asked why she was 20 minutes late. Jillian talked about how she was up late and she woke up late. Then her driver took her to the wrong building. She said that they took her to 30 Rock instead.
Howard said he should have banged Jillian when he had the chance. He said that he's worried about her right now. He said that she's on this new TV show ''House Husbands of L.A.'' He said that he and Beth watched it last night. Howard said he likes Jillian a lot and she deserves her success. Howard told Jillian that the show is great but only because of her. He said that she and her husband are good on the show. He said that if it wasn't for her, he wouldn't like it.
Howard said Jillian's show is more like her husband's show but if she wasn't on, no one would watch. Howard said that her marriage is horrible. He said she's miserable and she hates being married. She said she doesn't though. Howard said she does and he can tell.
Howard asked Jillian how many times she's been married. She said it's two times now. Howard asked her about her career and how she got stared. She's been on her current show since she was 26 but she worked in Miami and Canada before that.
Howard asked Jillian when she got married. She said that was when she was 28. She kept the last name in that marriage. She had to pay the guy alimony. She had to pay him for 3 and a half years. She said that he was a major league baseball player. She said that she had to support him after the divorce because she was paying the day by day bills. She said that she just wanted out of the marriage and they made a deal. She didn't care, she just wanted out.
Howard asked Jillian if she signed a pre-nup with this new guy. She said she didn't. Jillian said she's a sucker for love. Howard asked if she's a millionaire. She said that she makes about a million a year so she's doing very well.
Howard said that Jillian is going to get out of this marriage because it's really not looking good on this show. Jillian admitted that they're going through a really rough time right now. Howard talked about the champagne scene in the TV show and how she seems to hate this guy. Jillian said she loves him. Howard said that the husband was going off on her for spending money on clothes and she's the one making the money. Howard said she doesn't even bring that up on the show.
Jillian said that she has told him that her friends spend money and their spouses don't care. Jillian said she wants the marriage to work. Howard said it's going to end in a divorce. Howard said when the fans watch they're going to see what he's talking about. Howard said this guy Grant is a good guy and all but Jillian isn't in love with him anymore.
Robin told Howard earlier that Jillian had told her not to get married. Robin said she never said that she wasn't in love with Grant though.
Howard asked Jillian what's bad about marriage. Jillian said she did the show but pushed Grant into doing it. She said that she thought she was going to be in the background, she didn't know that she was going to be a major player in it.
Howard said that the rest of the couples in that show were meaningless to him. He said that Jillian and her husband are the stars. Howard said Beth said she could watch them all day long.
Howard said Jillian is a hot girl and she had a great thing going. Howard said he thinks she resents having a child too. He said that he saw her running around on their counter top and that looked like she wanted something to go wrong. Jillian said that's just not true.
Howard said Jillian has this very sweet guy as a husband and they had a great time going. Then they had the kid. Now Jillian doesn't have time to do anything on her own. She has to be thrilled to be there alone today. Jillian said she does love being there in New York. Howard said he heard that she was complaining about her marriage all tonight. Jillian said that's not what she was doing. Robin said she doesn't even realize what she's doing. Robin said Jillian told her not to do this marriage thing to herself.
Jillian said that sometimes you want to kill the other person but it's an up and down thing. She said her husband has hang ups and so does she.
Howard asked Jillian why she didn't sign a pre-nup. She said that she thinks things should be easy. She didn't think it was necessary. Jillian said that she wants to go and sit at home and not go out. She said that she's a homebody and she wants to hang with her daughter. She said her husband likes to go out and ride his bike.
Howard asked Jillian if she's tanning. She said it was a spray tan. She doesn't do real tans. Howard said he really should have banged her. Jillian said that she knew that he was a good lover too and it was great when Angie Everhart came out and said he was the best lover. She said that was great.
Howard said that he and Beth don't have the same kind of pressure on them that Jillian and her husband do. They have to deal with the kid. Howard said he and Beth don't have any of that.
Jillian said that she has never had a man take care of her and she really doesn't care that she has to pay. She said she's been paying for herself all these years anyway.
Jillian talked about her sex life and said that's good with Grant. Howard said he thought that she had some major issues with sex. Jillian said that she did. She said that she had a girl shove rocks inside of her when she was young and that kind of screwed her up. She said that they were small pebbles and she was able to get through all of that and sex is wonderful now.
Jillian told Howard about her husband doing a rape fantasy with her one time and holding a gun to her head. This was when he was just a boyfriend. She said that he tied her up and held her down when he did that. Then he left the house and didn't come back. Howard asked if she knew he was coming that night. Jillian said that she did. She said that he came in and ripped her clothes off. She said that she was totally nude. Howard asked if she's still totally hairless down there. She said that she is. She had laser hair removal and it's all gone now. She said she's totally bald down there now. Nothing grows back.
Howard asked to check Jillian's vagina to make sure. Artie asked if he could check her tits too. Jillian said that she has a C-cup and they're all natural. She said that she's been told she has great natural boobs.
Howard asked about this rape fantasy thing. He asked if he tied her up. She said he pinned her down and he had a real gun with him. Howard asked if he put it to her head. She said that he did and it really turned her on. She said that they don't do anything like that now that they have the kid.
Howard asked Jillian about being friends with this Kara chick from American Idol. Howard said he didn't like her when she started but when she took her clothes off at the end of the season he liked that. Jillian talked about how great she thinks Kara is.
Howard heard that Jillian is also friends with Stuttering John. She said that she's actually very friendly with John's wife Suzanna. She said that she's one of the most wonderful people.
Howard asked Jillian about dating David Spade too. She said that he was great. She said that she wasn't into relationships that much at the time and she would just go out and make out with people instead of having sex. She said that she loved David as a friend first. She said that she also made out with Ryan Seacrest when he first moved out to L.A.
Howard asked Jillian how Ryan got in with her. She told Howard how she met him and explained why she just made out with him and why she banged Spade. She said that Spade was a friend of her's already so that's why that happened. She said that they only did that once or twice.
Jillian said that she once vomited on her husband's penis while she was giving him oral. She said that she was pregnant at the time. She also talked about giving Spade oral. Howard asked if he was big. She said that he was great in bed but she didn't remember it being that big.
Howard asked if the guys can hold out with her. She said that she's not really into that. She said that she doesn't care about that either. She said she's fine with it if they don't last long.
Howard said Jillian is fascinating. He gave her some more plugs for her show and asked why she's so obsessed with Fred. Fred said she must know he has a gun collection. Jillian said she likes his Kurt Waldheim Jr. impression.
Jillian claims that she's rally happy with her husband even though Robin didn't think she was. Howard said he thinks that she's not that into this guy.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she was thinking that her telling Robin not to get married is because she doesn't want her to be the breadwinner. Robin said that's basically what the conversation was. Howard had to hang up on Mariann. He said he couldn't take that yelling.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked her to ride the Sybian. Howard asked her when she's going to do that. Jillian got sidetracked and started talking about other shows she's done for Howard on his channels. Howard had to get her back on track and told her to keep her dress on and ride the Sybian. She said that she's afraid of germs. She said she can't get off on it anyway. Howard asked if he should hold a gun to her head. She said that might help.
Jillian wasn't going to ride it. Howard told her to sit on it turned off but she wouldn't even do that. Howard told the guys to forget it. He apologized to Jeff about that.
Howard asked if she said that she was going to ride it on her show. She said that she may have. She talked about this girl who makes the Frankie B jeans and how big of a fan she is of Howard's.
Ralph called in and said that the rape fantasy thing sounded wild. He also asked her if this house husband show sounds interesting and asked if he can learn how to be one by watching. Howard said Ralph really would like that. He said you have to be a really good looking guy to find a woman like that though.
Ralph said that chicks don't care that much about it and you can be a little ugly and still get chicks like that.
Howard said he seems to think that Jillian and Dorothy Lucy don't like each other. Howard said he gets the same feeling about Jillian and her husband. Jillian laughed but Howard said that's what he thinks is going on and she's in crisis mode right now.
A caller asked Jillian if she gives up the ass. She said she does. Howard asked her if she will do it like once a week. Jillian said that she would. Howard asked her how old she was when she tried it the first time. She said she was 17 with a boyfriend. She said she hated it the first time. Jillian said she got obsessed with porn back then and wanted to try it out. She said that she didn't try it again until she was 23.
Howard asked if she loves it so much now that she has to do it. She said that she likes it and her husband likes it so they will do that fairly often. Howard said he never thought of her being like that. Jillian even told Howard that she'll use spit as lube on there so Howard was surprised by that. He said she's wilder than he thought she was.
Jillian talked about doing girls too. She told Howard about doing this woman who became a model. She said that story was okay but she had a better story. She said that this other girl asked her about the other girl and she took her out a week later and seduced her like a guy would. She said that the girl pinned her against the wall and started kissing her. She said it was so hot. Jillian said they did everything. Howard asked if she thought she was gay. Jillian said that she always loved men and didn't think she was gay. She didn't do anything with girls until she made out with Jenna Jameson a few years ago.
Howard asked how often they have sex. Jillian said they do it a lot, even when they're in a bad mood. She said that she can have sex even when she's pissy. She said sometimes that makes it even better.
Howard said he and Beth never fight. Jillian said she had that kind of relationship and it didn't work for her. She said they never fought until she handed the guy divorce papers.
Howard gave Jillian some more plugs for her TV show that's starting August 15th. Jillian said she won't be doing another season because it was so exhausting for her. Howard told her that the rest of the couples were boring.
Howard said Jillian's make up girl was there. Artie said that this chick did his make up a few years ago and she's smokin' hot. Howard asked Jillian what else she's doing there. She said she's doing Sean Hannity's show.
Howard said this girl who was in was on Jillian's show. She's launching a skin care line. She also has a husband who doesn't work. She said that her husband made good money playing baseball professionally. She said that he's not working now but he did make good money before.
Artie said that this chick did his make up back when he was all coked up and 27 years old. He said he found out that the guy was on the Dodgers and he knew he couldn't pick that chick up.
A caller asked Jillian if she gets spanked in bed and if she does it for fun or foreplay. Howard said she seems to like doing that stuff. Jillian said she does like to be smacked and likes to have her hair pulled. She said that really turns her on. She likes to be choked too.
Howard told Jillian about David Carradine and how he was found in a negligee. She thought he was naked. Jillian said she knows his family and that's really upsetting.
Howard said that he and Jillian should have done it years go when he could have. Jillian said that Howard wouldn't want a woman like her. She's too vocal for him. Ralph was on the phone and agreed with her on that. He said that she's too chatty for Howard.
Howard said he likes the idea of a high powered woman like Jillian. Robin said that Howard always complains about Beth not being home. Howard said he likes ''the idea'' of it.
Howard said he likes that Jillian isn't wearing panties today. He also said her boobs were looking good today too. Jillian said that her ass is holding up pretty good too. She said that her boos are probably her best feature. Ralph said she's got good nipples too from what he's heard. Ralph said he had a lot of fun hanging out with Jillian that night they hung out.
Howard wrapped up, gave Jillian some more plugs, and said he's very proud of her. He said he loves her more than she'll ever know. They went to break a short time later.
Stuttering John's Practical Jokes. 04/14/08. 12:30pm
After that segment we heard Richard, Robin and others talking about the time that John kidnapped the Gary Puppet. Gary and Steve Grillo talked about that joke and how things went back then. Ralph also got in some comments about how that was a really brutal joke to pull on Gary because it wasn't a quick one, it lasted too long.
They played the segment from that day when Gary revealed to Howard that the puppet was stolen. Here's what I wrote the last time they played this segment... Gary was telling Howard that the Gary puppet had been stolen over the weekend. He was afraid that Howard was going to get mad at him so he was going to leave the studio to tell him. He said he was really, really nervous telling Howard this story. He said that the puppet had been abducted on Saturday but he did have a plate number so he was going to try and track it down. Gary said he thought that Howard and the guys had set him up though.
Howard said he told Gary not to take that puppet to his appearances. He said the puppet is a superstar and he loves it more than any person on the planet. He asked him how he can lose something like that. Howard asked Gary where he was and where the puppet was. Gary said he was in Little Falls, New Jersey and someone stole it while he was there. The puppet is now gone and he has no idea where it is.
Gary said the owner of the store wanted to show him his stereo system so he walked out of the store and that's when the puppet was taken. Howard asked Gary if he had called the cops yet. Gary said he hadn't done that yet. He said the owner is willing to pay for a new one to be made and that might take a couple of weeks. Howard asked Gary to just go himself from now on and not take the puppet. He said he can't trust him with his property.
Howard had a caller on the line who said that he was there at the store and thought that the guys were pulling a prank on Gary. Howard ended up hanging up on that guy because he didn't have his camera on him. Gary knew that something was up and wondered why Howard hung up on that guy so quick. Howard said goodbye to Gary and told him to leave after he gave him a big smirk like he was in on the whole thing.
Stuttering John came in and told Howard he had another guy on the line who saw the puppet get stolen. The guy said that he saw Gary after the puppet disappeared and he was so white he looked like a mime with big green teeth. He said he could see the dread in his face when the puppet had vanished. Howard asked for someone to return the puppet so they could move on. He said Gary was staring at him like he had done something wrong.
Howard said this did seem kind of dumb because it's all over a puppet. He said he's not even mad at Gary for the puppet being taken when he had nothing to do with it. He said he doesn't get Gary and asked him why he would give him that look when he had nothing to do with it.
Gary said the guy on the phone didn't even see what happened, he wasn't there. He said he still thinks that this is a practical joke that they're pulling on him because they've done that to other people on the show. He said he was promoting this gig for two weeks and he could just about see the smile on Jackie's face. Gary said he had someone watching over the puppet for him so he should have been okay.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had the puppet. He said he was looking at the puppet as they spoke and described what he was wearing. Howard asked to talk to the puppet so the guy did his Gary impression and goofed on Gary a little bit. Gary claimed that the guy had left a ransom note so he was going to run out to get it. Howard continued to talk to the guy for a short time and then Gary came back in and said that he has his license plate number. He also said that stealing the puppet is a felony because it's worth over $600. The guy said that he was showing the puppet to friends and he had offers to buy it.
Howard said he doesn't know what this guy is going to be doing to the puppet while he has it. He said that he's not sure he wants it back now. He asked the guy to just give it back. The guy said he lives in New Jersey so he could have it there in 15 minutes... for the right price. Tom Chiusano came in and said they're not going to negotiate with a criminal. He said they have a lead and they will call the police and get things in gear.
The caller said he wanted $2,000 for it and he'd bring it in. Howard said he would pay. He asked if he wanted to do it at a drop off point or something so they could avoid the police. Ralph came in and said that he could make a new one with two thousand dollars. Tom said he thinks they should go after that guy. Howard wanted to know what they should do with Gary. Gary wanted to get the puppet back first and then decide. Howard said he thinks that Gary hates the puppet so much that he left it alone hoping that it would disappear. Gary said that's not the case.
Howard said that the puppet has gotten more popular than him and that's why he wanted it to disappear. Gary said he loved the puppet. Howard wondered why he didn't let him know that the puppet had been stolen right away. Gary had the license plate number and should have reported it immediately. Gary said this was turning out as bad as he expected it to. Howard and Robin goofed on him for not calling the cops right away.
The caller said he was going to jack up the price to $5,000 since he did have some offers for that much. Howard said he would call off the deal and call the cops on him instead. The guy said that this is the original puppet and it's like having the original Charlie McCarhty doll. Howard said this is like negotiating with Jackie.
Howard said he really wanted to resolve this whole thing and decided that they're not going to negotiate with the guy. A cop had showed up to take some information down. The cop came in but he was a New York City officer. The crime took place in New Jersey so they had to report it there. That led to Howard telling the cop how dopey Gary is and how he should have reported this over the weekend.
Howard had Gary repeating after him. He had him talking about how incompetent he is and that he will stop taking that stuff and also stop taking stupid pills and dumb capsules. Robin said she can't believe he did something he was told not to do. Howard said this wasn't the first time he's been fooled and it won't be the last. He said his first reaction was to say no to him and that's what he should have done.
Howard said that he's not going to be a nice guy on this show anymore. If he wants the puppet to stay there, it's going to stay there from now on. John said that they had a private investigator there. Howard told him to keep that guy around so they could hire him to find Gary's brain.
Howard said that they were actually going to have that puppet host ''Talk Soup'' on E!. Howard told Gary that he needs a real producer and he needs to get rid of him. Howard said he wanted to finalize everything and wrap up. He got the owner of the store, Nick, on the phone and asked him what had gone on. Nick said he was demonstrating the mini-disc system he had in his car and they left the puppet behind. He said that they had a lot of people in the store and someone took their eyes off the puppet for a short time. He said that Gary was very upset and it turned the place into a funeral.
Gary said that this all happened about a half hour before he was done with the appearance. Nick said he did hear some people talking about stealing the puppet and he should have known something was going on. He also said he had asked Gary if he wanted him to report the theft to the police but Gary didn't want him to. Gary said he didn't think that it would help things out at the time.
Fred came walking in with the puppet a short time later. Gary said that he knew that they had set him up. Howard said he didn't know anything. Howard said he would be nuts to let that puppet out of his sight. He said they plotted the stealing of that puppet for three weeks. He said Gary had asked him if he could borrow the puppet and that led to them coming up with the plan. John said that he was the one who actually stole the puppet so of course he knew about it. Gary kept calling him over the weekend freaking out about it.
John said that the car that they drove off in was his assistant's car. Gary said that the plate number he had was actually a bad number. He had tried to report it but it was missing a number or one of the numbers was wrong. Gary wondered if they were going to have video tape of the whole thing too. Howard said they didn't have that. Fred did his Gary Puppet impression and goofed on Gary with the puppet for a few seconds.
Howard said they came up with this plan after some discussion and they weren't sure they were going to be able to pull it off. Then they got the owner of the store involved and had him help them out with the plan. Gary said he's amazed that no one caved in after seeing him freaking out on them.
Howard said that John called him that night to tell him he had the puppet. He wanted to call the whole thing off but John wanted to keep the joke going for a while. That's why they kept it going until this morning. Gary said he wanted to come in and search the station for the puppet this morning. John said the puppet was safe in a car out on Madison Avenue this morning. Gary asked whose idea it really was. Howard wasn't sure but he thinks that it might have been Jackie. Gary had placed the blame on him earlier in the morning and it was almost as if he was quoting him according to Jackie.
Jackie said that it would have been great if they could have stolen the puppet from John as well. John said he had that in mind so he was expecting it. Gary said that he and his wife were talking about it and they figured this would be dragged out for a few more days at least. John said that he regrets not recording the calls he had with Howard. He said they were laughing together about the whole thing. Howard said he told John to tell the guy to call in with the puppet demanding ransom money. Gary was also fooled because Howard didn't bring up the puppet early this morning like he expected him to.
Gary said that he was so exhausted and depressed that he went to bed at about 6:30 last night. He said he woke up 3 or 4 times during the night as well. Howard took a call from a guy who said he was there and very upset that the puppet had been stolen. Howard said this whole thing worked out great. They had been planning it for three weeks and it worked out very well.
After that segment we heard Gary talking about how ugly those pranks can get. He said he'd rather watch the pranks from outside. He talked about how he had to get back at John for that prank by firing him. Here's what I wrote when they replayed that segment, from March 28, 1995:
Gary said that John has pulled jokes on him like stealing the Gary Puppet one time. Gary also said that John had a stockbroker call him and tell him he'd lost all of his money. There was also one time when Gary came in and told Howard how boring he was at an appearance he made one time. He was kind of pissed about that as well.
Gary went to Howard and told him he wanted to fire John and tape it off the air so he could make him feel crappy. He knew it wouldn't be funny, but he wanted to get back at him for all of this stuff he's done to him.
Howard explained how he had gotten mad at John on the air yesterday and that was part of Gary's plan to fire John. John said that he thought he was going to get fired and was worried about it the whole day. Gary brought Stuttering John into the jock lounge there at the station and had a hidden microphone in there. Gary told John he had to fire him because of the book deal that had come up a while back.
Howard said Gary didn't want to tell John for a couple of days that he was fired. Howard thought John might kill himself if they did that to him so they had to tell him. John said he might have done that if they had left him hanging like that.
Gary said he had been working on this since before they went on their Christmas vacation so it had been in the works for months. Howard started to play the audio where Gary brings John into the room and sits him down to break the news to him. Gary told John that the whole book deal thing came up again with Howard's agent Don Buchwald and he was apparently flipping out over it. John said he was convinced Gary was for real because he seemed so nervous about the whole thing.
Stuttering John told Gary that he had fired the guy who was doing the book deal thing and he wasn't going ahead with it. Fred went into his Stuttering John impression and goofed on John about the way he answered Gary about the book deal thing because he wasn't making much sense.
Howard got back to the clip and listened to Gary explaining to John why they were about to fire him. Gary said that he felt back because he's one of his best friends. Gary dragged it out and Howard wasn't sure why he kept saying it was Howard who was firing him. Gary said it was supposed to be Howard who was letting him go. John sounded all bummed out and said that he had been working there for 7 years.
Gary made a couple of goofy comments during the conversation so Howard and Fred were goofing on him about those. Gary left at one point to go get Howard but came back a short time later and told John that Howard refused to talk to him.
John was bummed out and said that he wasn't trying to do anything wrong. He explained what he had done with the book deal and all of that stuff. Gary then breaks the news to John that he was goofing on him by saying ''I have two words of advice... Gary Puppet.'' John told him that it was a great joke but he wasn't going to hate him for the rest of his life like Gary does.
Howard said that John is already planning to do something else to Gary. He told him on the way down to the garage yesterday that he had something in the works. Gary said he has another one to pull on John as well though.
Howard's Dinner With Gary, Jason And Will. 08/08/2002. 7:00am
Howard moved on and talked about his dinner with Gary, Jason and Will. Gary recently told Howard how great Jason and Will are doing their jobs. Howard said Jason types in the log for the show and Will books guests and does research for them. He went on to talk about going out to the restaurant Josephina.
KC was also there and he doesn't eat much. Howard said he ordered chicken and didn't eat the skin or anything. Gary and Howard said he eats like a chick. Artie said he's a fascinating guy because he's the healthiest guy in the world but he's got a gambling problem. He said he's at the track on a Wednesday afternoon while everyone else there looks like him (Artie). Howard said KC doesn't talk much. Jason and Will don't talk much either according to Howard.
Gary said 3 years ago Will was a kid who wrote him a letter and idolized him, now he's working for him so he's a little overwhelmed. Will came in and said that he was talking but Howard said he was trying to get them to talk but it was tough. He called Will a dud.
Howard said there were some hot chicks at the table behind them so Howard was trying to get the guys to do work some magic with them but they didn't do anything. Jason came in and said he was a little nervous being out with Howard. Howard joked around and said that they should be more talkative when he takes them on the camping trip that's coming up.
When the guys left the restaurant Gary found a banana on his windshield. It turns out KC was in charge of the parking meter and he didn't have any change so he had to go buy something at someplace to get change. He bought a banana and just put it on Gary's windshield. The guys seem to think he's been hanging around with Jim Florentine too much and that's where he's getting these wacky ideas.
Will and Jason live together in the city since they don't make all that much money working for the show. Dave Chappelle joked that next season on NBC we'll see a new show called ''Will and Jason.''
Howard's Power Ball Lottery Winnings. 7/30/98. 9:30am
Howard joined in with the E! crew and just about everyone at the radio station for the $292 Million Power Ball lottery. They won a little bit of money having 3 winning numbers on two different tickets. Each person came out with a whopping $18. The discussion about the lottery led to a discussion about how cheap Jackie is. He owns 3 homes in Bayville Long Island but according to Howard they're all dumps. He's only seen 2 of them and said that they can't be more than 1000 square feet each. Howard once rode over to visit Jackie. Jackie asked him if he wanted to see his office. Howard said sure and they hopped on their bicycles and rode over to his office house. Howard asked him today why he won't buy a nice house close to the water with an office in the same building. Jackie said he loves his house and has no reason to move. They must have spent 45 minutes talking about this stuff with Jackie. There's no changing his mind. Howard said that Stuttering John's house is nicer than Jackie's and Jackie probably makes 10 times as much money.
Lisa G's News Preview With Jim Breuer. 01/13/09. 7:30am
Howard had the guys bring in Jim Breuer and Lisa G next. He said that he wanted to let Lisa do her thing before he spoke to Jim. Lisa said they have news about Robin Quivers. Jim Florentine was on the Bubba the Love Sponge show and claimed that he had gone to dinner with Robin recently. Robin said that it wasn't recently, it was back in November.
Howard asked Jim if he knew that Florentine was going out with Robin. Jim said that he had heard about that. He didn't know that they had broken up. Howard asked Jim about his father being racist when he was growing up and if he thinks that his father would have freaked out about Robin going out with a white guy. Jim said that he may have gotten upset back in the day but not these days. Jim said that he heard the N-word in his house a lot and he and his buddies would go out in the street and try to get one to chase them down.
Howard asked Robin what's going on with Florentine and if she thinks that they could get that started up again. Robin said that they will see Jim back on the show soon. Gary said that he's going to be on in mid to late February.
Fred went into his Jim Florentine impression and had some fun talking about what he and Robin do when they go out. Breuer said that the impression was amazing. Fred, as Florentine, said that he doesn't waste his time with Bush and Obama impressions.
Howard asked Breuer about Robin dating Jim. Breuer said that he was kind of shocked when he found out about it because Jim is known to be so juvenile. He said that it just throws him off to think about it. Jim said that Florentine talks about his sex romps and stuff and that just doesn't fit with Robin.
Howard told Breuer that Robin had come in one day and said that Florentine was ''deep.'' Robin said she's sticking by that. Breuer said that he never saw that side of Jim and he's been friends with him for a really long time.
Howard asked Breuer if he ever did drugs. Jim said that he did pot but not anymore. Jim said that he got tired of the whole thing. He said that he did it for the giggles but then his mind started to go to weird places and he didn't need the pressure. He said he never got involved in the hard stuff. Jim said that he drinks wine now but that's about it.
Lisa read a story about Joey Boots moving to Florida to get away and change his life. He wants to move away from New York. Lisa said that Joey had taken a bunch of Xanax pills and now he wants to move to Miami to get away from that. Howard said that this isn't going to help him out. Moving doesn't help you get over that stuff. Lisa is that he's going to move in with a friend that he met in a rehab. Joey is looking to give up his cat to a good home. You can e-mail Joey at JoeyBoots@aol.com if you can help.
Jim Breuer Back On SIRIUS One Day A Week. 01/13/09. 7:45am
Howard moved on to talk to Jim Breuer after Lisa was done. Jim is going to be doing just one show a week there at SIRIUS. Jim said that he's only doing a Friday show. He needed time to do other stuff like stand-up. Jim said that he wanted to do his show out on the road and do them from comedy clubs and stuff. Jim said that it never seemed to work out. He said he tried to make it happen for years but it wouldn't happen.
Howard said that it can be hard to make things like that happen. Jim said that he gets that they're not all about that whole thing. Jim said that he wanted to get back out there and do his thing. Now he gets to do the show on Raw Dog 104 and XM 150 on Friday from 4-6pm. He said that Pete left the show. He said that Pete was upset that they wouldn't give him a gig there so he started stealing shit. Jim said that if Howard is missing anything then they can probably blame Pete.
Jim said that Pete stole some recording equipment and stuff like that. He said that Pete felt that he put his heart and soul into being there and they didn't do anything to help him out. Jim said that Pete doesn't want anything to do with the building now and won't come back and do his show. Jim said that they don't even know that he took anything yet.
Jim said that it's just going to be him doing the show. He's hoping that Pete will eventually ween himself back onto the show. Howard said that he'll probably come back. Howard said he's happy if Jim is happy that he's back.
Jim said that he tried to work out stuff with them there and things weren't working out. He said that he's glad they finally settled on this new schedule.
Howard asked Jim about his father because he had heard that he had started shitting his pants. Jim said that is true and he's been doing it for a while now. The guy is 85 years old and he just can't hold his bowels. Jim said that he feels it coming on and you have about 8 seconds before it comes out.
Jim said that he was playing a place down in Kentucky and they were out at this big tourist spot. He said that they were visiting his father's sister and his father told him he had to shit. They started heading for the bathroom and they made it maybe 5 feet before he dumped it all in his pants. Jim said that he started dry heaving.
Jim said that it's funny but it's really not funny. Jim said he loves the guy. He said he brought him into this little Irish pub and the people could smell the shit as they walked through. He said that the shit was all the way down to his socks.
Jim said that he locked his father in the stall of the bathroom and had to go out shopping for him. Jim said that now he's learned his lesson not to let his father go out before he shits at home. Jim said that he learned his lesson after having to hose out his car for the fourth time. He said his mother gets all upset when he shits and goes off on him when he calls over there to find out what's going on. Jim said that his father is a World War II vet and he deserves some respect from her.
Howard asked why his mother isn't more respectful of him. Jim said that's just the way they are. He said that they're still together after all of these years. Jim said that it's that WWII era kind of relationship.
Jim said he told his father not to touch anything in the stall of that bathroom. He said that his father would try to take off the clothes and he'd end up getting shit all over the place. Jim said that he went to the mall and found some sweat pants for his father. He said that his father is pretty big so he had to get big stuff for him.
Jim said he got the sweat pants and found some redneck in the stall of the bathroom. Jim said that he told the guy that he had a situation there. The guy told him that he was next. Jim said that he tried to explain to the guy what was going on but he didn't get it. Jim eventually opened up the stall to show him what was going on. Then the guy finally got it.
Jim said he helped his father out and got him in the sweat pants. Jim said that he must have dry heaved 1000 times while he was doing it. Jim did the impression of that and said that he was getting sick just thinking about it. Jim said that he had a bag that he put the stuff in and his father was looking ridiculous with the sweat pants on.
Jim said that when they walked out of the bathroom there was a crowd there who wanted to take pictures with ''the goat man.'' Jim said that they loved that character on SNL. Jim said that it's a good thing he wasn't a Donkey Boy or something. Howard asked Jim why there was never a Goat Boy movie. Jim said that he's not sure people could put up with that for 2 hours.
Howard asked Jim if he did the goat thing in his stand-up. Jim said that he used to get stoned and walk around the zoo. He said that he would watch the gorillas and cry. Artie said that's when you have to get weed out of your life. Jim said that he used to stare at the giraffes and stuff too. Then he would go and watch the goats and laugh at them. He said that he would laugh his ass off at them the more they would bah. Jim said he thought that noise was hilarious. He had Howard and Artie laughing their asses off as he was talking about that.
Jim said that he did get kicked out of a zoo one time. He said that they asked him to leave because he was creeping people out.
Jim said he went to SNL one time and told them that he wanted to do this character that had Tourette's but he would bah like a goat. Jim said that they thought he was nuts when he pitched the idea. Jim said his hook was that whenever the guy would drink or get nervous, the more the goat would come out. Jim told Howard that the original idea was to just throw in the goat noises once in a while and then he'd be drinking and do more. Jim said he had no ending for the bit but he knew that the goat thing was funny.
Howard said that it's brilliant but he wondered how he got it on TV. Jim said that a couple of weeks later one of the writers came up with an idea for the bit. He said that the guy said that he liked the angle that he sings and thought about him singing 80s songs. Jim figured the guy was just as bonkers as he was. Jim said he thought that was stupid to just sing 80s songs. Jim said that the first bit was that 80s songs thing.
Howard asked if they ruined goat boy by naming him ''Goat Boy.'' Jim said that they did kind of do that and he didn't want to name the guy anything. He said they wanted to do a movie with him where he would be a super hero that was a goat man.
Howard said that Jim had to water down the idea and that's kind of sucky. He said that's when Jim needs his own show. Jim said that it is hard to convey why it's funny. He said that it just is funny. Howard asked if Lorne Michaels thought he had wasted his money on him. Jim said that Loren actually loved the character.
Jim said that Tom Hanks came on the show one time and that's when they came up with the Goat Boy talk show idea. They thought they were going to keep him in the 80s though. Jim said he didn't want to do that but it did end up working pretty well. Howard said that he liked the whole character.
Howard gave Jim some plugs for an appearance he's making down in Sayreville, New Jersey this week. Jim said that he does clean stuff in his act and doesn't curse. He said that his kids go on his web site and stuff so he keeps it clean. Howard said that you can find out more at JimBreuer.com and PrimeTimeComedyOnline.com.
Howard asked Jim if his father is going to be at the gig. Jim said he might have to bring him out on the road with him. Fred played some fart sounds as they were talking about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Jim to tell the story about calling a bomb threat into a Sears store. Jim said he was about 18 years old at the time. Jim said he was a nice guy class clown back then but Howard thought he sounded like a trouble maker. Jim said that he didn't take things to the point where they would hurt anyone.
Jim said that he knew he was going to be a comedian after he heard Steve Martin's album ''Lets Get Small.'' He said that it was Pryor, Carlin and Kinison after that. Jim said that Kinison was the one who was huge for him. He said that he saw Sam perform a couple of times live.
Jim said that this guy Carl Lebeau was up before Sam and he thought that Sam wasn't going to be able to follow the guy. Then Sam came out and killed. The second time he saw Sam it was horrible. He said Sam was all drunk and a complete mess. Artie said he saw Sam one time and he didn't even finish his act because he was so drunk.
Howard asked about this bomb threat thing. Jim said that his brothers were cops so he was hooked up with the PBA cards. He said that he was working at Sears and he just wanted to have some fun working there. He said he worked in the paint department and they had a hardware section right next to them. They had this new guy there in hardware who was in his 30s at least. He said that they would mess with them over there all the time and move tools around and stuff. One of the paint guys got kicked out by the new guy in hardware. Jim said that he called up the hardware department as Muammar Khadafi because they had that whole Libya thing going on back then. He told the guy that they had just sent 6 missiles to hit the hardware department in Valley Stream. The guy was taking it down as information like it was a legitimate call. Jim said that he even ended the call with ''Long live the paint department!''
Jim said that he went to the break room later on and there was no one around in the store. There were no workers, no people, no one. Jim said that a security guy came in and told him to get out of there because they had a bomb threat. The guy told him that the new guy in hardware had told him that they got a bomb threat. Then Jim made the mistake of telling him that he was the one who made the call. Jim said that he had to explain what was going on and had to talk to the cops, the president of the Sears unit that he worked for and people like that. Jim said that he met with the Sears guy and that guy asked him what happened. Jim said that he had finished up his paint work and explained what he did. He said that they ended up laughing about the whole thing and it was over.
Howard asked Jim about not liking David Spade. Jim said he liked David, he just didn't believe that he was dating Heather Locklear.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Breuer is hysterical. He said he went to see him one night at the Comic Strip and he was hysterical there. The guy said he blew him away when he saw him back then and he got out of comedy because of him.
Howard took a call from Hanzi who asked if Jim had spoken to Dave Chappelle. Jim did an impression of Chappelle and said that he hasn't spoken to him in a long time. He said he was kind of hurt for a while but he's gotten over that.
Howard told Jim that he thinks that he's going to get put in a movie after this appearance. Jim said that he hopes he does and he'll give him 10 percent if he does get a job out of it. Howard said ''You're damn right you will!''
Another caller talked about how this was the first time he's ever heard the studio laughing their asses off so much. Howard said the guy is funny. The caller was also saying that Jim does great impressions. Jim did a little bit of his Tracy Morgan impression. That led to them talking about how funny Tracy is and how great he was on the Golden Globe Awards. Howard asked if they wasted Tracy's talent on SNL. Jim said that he did get frustrated a lot with some of the stuff they had him doing. He said that Tracy was hilarious though and he had some great ideas for things they could do to mess with Lorne Michaels.
Howard asked Jim if he ever hears from Joe Pesci. Jim said he doesn't but then he broke into his impression of the guy. He did that impression for a short time. He had Howard cracking up again when he did that.
Howard told Jim that he can come in anytime. Howard said he didn't know that he was off the air. He thought he was just doing his show there. Jim did some more impressions like his Lars Ulrich of Metallica. Jim stuck to that for a couple of minutes while Howard interviewed him as Lars. Howard wrapped up with Jim a short time later and went to break.
Today's Howard Stern's Staff Picks was over around 10:40am.
The Lost Gary Tape. 6/17/99. 9:35am
Get ready for some entertaining tape. Earlier in the show a long time listener told Howard the funniest show he ever heard was over 10 years ago when Howard goofed on Gary so much that he cried. Apparently Gary was moping around the studio after breaking up with this woman Nancy he really liked. The worst part was that Gary had been cheating on Nancy during their relationship. Howard goofed on him and he ran out of the studio and wanted to be left alone... Fast forward to 1999.. The guy who dated Nancy right after Gary broke up with her calls Howard. The guy claims that Gary made a videotape apology to Nancy and sent it to her. The guy on the phone never saw the tape himself but he knew it existed. Gary confirmed the story and said there was 2 copies. He has one and Nancy has the other. When Howard heard that he went nuts. He wants that tape so bad that he's willing to give up everyone in his death pool picks for it. He also said that he'd stop calling him Baba Booey for the rest of his life. Gary is very reluctant to give it to him because he knows that he'll be goofed on for the rest of his life for it. Howard then asked Gary if he could raise $10,000 would he give up the tape. Gary was still reluctant but said he'd go home and watch the tape and think about it. The $10,000 was quickly raised by show members and listeners who offered up the money. One guy said he'd pay $5000 just to see it. Howard then started offering viewings to listeners who wanted to cough up the cash. People quickly called in and started offering $1000 for a view. Howard said that they could have a premiere that would allow the $5000 payers to see it first. Everyone else who paid less would see the second viewing. Gary describes the tape as being at least 10 minutes long with him sitting in his kitchen with a microphone in one hand and notes in the other. He goes on to say that he's sorry for what he did and he misses her. Gary hasn't watched the tape in over 5 years but he knows he still has it. It didn't take long for the phones to get jammed up with people offering $5000 for a view. Gary was getting uncomfortable with taking money from the listeners so he said he might donate it to charity. They figure they can get 30-40 people in the studio so there will be a lot of cash rolling in tomorrow morning at 7am when the first airing is tentatively scheduled to air. Tune in tomorrow early if you can to hear the tape. Howard says they're going to have 2 showings so if you miss the first you might catch the second. Gary says this tape is worse than his MTV audition tapes.. This should be good.
In the clip Howard was talking to James Taylor for the first time. Howard told some stories about James and his music. Joe told Howard some stories about his life with Carley Simon and things like that.
This part of the rundown is from a 2011 Intern Week replay...
In the clip we heard Howard getting upset that one of the female interns asked James Taylor out to lunch. He had Kristen come in so he could explain to her what she did wrong. Howard said she can't walk up to the guests and ask them out to lunch. Kristen said she didn't do that. James was still sitting in so he told Howard that he forced it out of her. Howard said that's why he's going to be divorced again.
Howard asked if they're going out to lunch. Kristen said that's up to James. Robin said that she heard her telling James she'd go out with him anytime since she lives in Manhattan.
Jackie said it's funny how she hasn't said a whole sentence to anyone there but then James Taylor comes in and she asks him out. Howard didn't even know her name.
Howard asked Kristen how old she is. She said she's 21. Howard said she doesn't have anything in common with him. She said she has a horse and James has a farm so they can talk about that. Howard asked where she's going to take him out. She told Howard this was turning awful. She said she really didn't think that she would end up going out with him.
Howard asked Kristen how she would ask him out if he wasn't there. He wanted to hear what it would sound like. Kristen said she didn't run up to him saying she was a big fan or anything. Howard said she should go see the movie ''Misery'' because this is what it's like. Howard told Kristen to keep it in her pants. He said she's out of control.
Howard asked James if he was going to perform something for them. James said it was a little early for him. Howard asked James about his wife and how he met her. James told Howard the story about how they met. Howard said it sounds like how Yoko met John Lennon. James said she didn't tell him that she didn't know who he was.
Howard said he was going to take a break and then have James perform some songs for them. James said he heard the songs he wanted him to perform. They went to break a short time later.
After the edited out break Howard said James was busy on a personal call. James said that was his son Ben. Howard said he'd give his hair to be James Taylor's son. James said his son may do that himself.
Howard had James warm up to play some songs. James asked for some echo on his voice. They got it set up the way he liked and James performed ''Shower the People'' first. Then James and Howard talked about what the song meant. Howard asked if he was talking about peeing on people. James said that's not what it's about.
After an edited out break Howard came back and talked to James about some of his other songs. James played Howard a little bit of a song called ''Roll River Roll'' that he wrote when he was 14. Howard said he should play him his song ''Psychadellic Bee'' that he wrote around that age.
James told Howard about being put in a mental hospital as a young man. Howard said he's had a wild life. Howard said padding makes for good acoustics. Howard asked James if he has those feelings anymore. He figured he didn't because he's successful. James said he doesn't have them now.
After another edited out break Howard came back and said that Joe Walsh had just come in. He said he was hugging James like there was a major reunion going on. Joe said Gary really looks like Freddy Mercury.
Howard had James perform another song. James performed his song ''Carolina In My Mind'' next. Howard said Joe liked that. He said Joe heard that James was there and came running in. Howard said maybe Joe should perform something. Howard asked Joe if he wanted to play. Joe said he had to tell Robin that he's crazy about her. Robin said she's crazy about him too but what are they going to do about it?
Joe and James worked on playing something and James suggested ''Goodnight Irene.'' They got their guitars ready and performed the song a short time later.
After the song Howard talked to James and Joe for a few more minutes. Howard said James has a new album out. He gave him a plug for that. Howard said it was cool to have Joe there today. He said James didn't know he was going to have such a good time there.
Beetlejuice vs Gary The Retard. 1/26/01. 8:55am
Who is smarter Beetlejuice or Gary the Retard? That's what Howard wanted to find out once and for all. He had both Gary the Retard and Beetlejuice the tiny headed dwarf come in to compete in an intelligence test today. What happened in this segment can't be described in words.. but I'll try.
Howard said Beetlejuice came in dressed as Erkle from ''Family Matters''. He was wearing glasses and tried to look smart. Howard plugged a party that Beetlejuice will be at tonight in Staten Island. He asked Beet where it would be and Beet said Manhattan. Beet was very intent on talking to Robin today. He kept looking at her and sweet talking her. He kept calling her honey and sweetheart through the whole segment.
Howard asked Beet when the last time he got laid was. Beet rambled in his usual way saying that he gets laid often.. but then he said the last time was in 1976. Then he said he was born in 1975.. So he was only 1 when he got laid?
Howard tried to talk to Gary the Retard but it was tough. He said that Gary has gained quite a bit of weight since they last saw him. Howard asked him how much he weighs now and he said 146 pounds. Beet had to do him one better so he said he weighs ''..147 dude!'' Howard also noticed that Gary's new teeth were missing. Gary says that he keeps them in his coat pocket because they hurt his mouth. Beet gave him some advice and told him to get braces to hold them in. Beet bragged that he has his own teeth.
Howard was ready to start the game when Gary said that he watches Jeopardy all the time. He also watches Hollywood Squares. Beet heard that and said that he can get 20 squares when he plays that on his computer. Always bragging..
Howard finally got to the questions and started with Beet. The first three are not a mistake. Howard asked the same question 3 times!
Howard plugged the Beetlejuice thing again and Beet continued to ramble on and on about nonsense as he usually does. Howard took some phone calls and people were saying that this was the funniest thing they've ever heard. One guy suggested they send Beet to Harvard to be studied.
Beetlejuice was talking about how he can beat the crap out of anyone who he doesn't like. Howard asked him how tall he is and he just went crazy. He said that he weighs 825 pounds.. up to 25 pounds.. Then 45 pounds. There's got to be some short circuits in his brain.
A guy called in pretending to be Beetlejuice's wife Katiejuice. (S)he started telling Beet that she was mad at him for not coming home and Beet seemed to think that it was really his wife. He told Katiejuice that he told her he'd be home in 2 weeks. It was very bizarre.
High Pitch Erik showed up because he'll be at the Beet party tonight. He was wearing a rainbow wig with his shirt off. Howard said he was ill just looking at him. Erik said that he and Beet do a thing together. Beetlejuice rides him like a horse. Beet got on his back, after walking out of the studio for a second, and hopped on. Howard was trying to wrap things up but it was tough. He told them to stop but then Beet started smacking Erik. Erik, in his Mickey Mouse voice, yelled at Beet to ''STOP IT!'' Beet told Erik that he was his bitch and told him to shut up. Howard then told Beet to feel up Erik. Erik told Beet that he's a faggot if he feels him up. Then Beet said he'd beat Erik up tonight. Erik said something about not being afraid of ''negros like you'' to him. Howard finally got them to stop and ended the fun.
In the clip Howard had just received the Gary Puppet. He said he wanted to leave it by Fred so he could work it. Gary said Fred has to work it with a pen in his mouth so it's going to be hard to work it. Howard said he likes what the puppet is wearing too. He said he has a bad T-shirt and jeans on. Fred worked the puppet and shoved some paper in his mouth to do the impression. Fred goofed on Gary a little bit. Howard said that's super. Gary laughed when Jackie threw a piece of paper at the puppet and hit it in the head. Howard said the puppet might need green teeth.
Howard said he had to take a break. Fred was still doing his impression of Gary with the puppet. Howard asked Gary to make a face with the puppet next to him. Howard said he wanted to soak that in a little bit. Howard said it's a great visual. Howard said he loves it.
Ronnie's Winter Poem As Read By JD. 12/01/11. 9:05am
Howard asked if they ever talked more about Ronnie's poetry. Robin said they haven't heard anything about it since they brought it up. Howard said he would like to know if he's bringing it in. Ronnie came in and said he is working on a poem. He said he's done with it but he won't read it. He said someone else has to read it. Howard said he'll read it then. Ronnie said he hasn't written poetry in years. Gary said JD said he would like to read it.
Howard said the topic was about winter. Robin said that's what she requested. Ronnie said he swears to god he wrote this too. He said he swears on his whole family that he wrote it. JD came in so Howard let him read it. Ronnie told him to read it the way it should be read.
JD read the poem and stumbled a few times as he started. Howard and Fred were goofing on him immediately. JD was also cracking up reading it. Ronnie said it's not funny. JD read the line ''Winter is when there are no leaves on the trees...'' and started laughing.
JD tried reading more but he was laughing so hard he couldn't get it out. He said the next line was ''Winter is when we say goodbye to the birds and the bees.'' Everyone was laughing. Ronnie told them to have Jason read it. JD kept going. Here's the poem:
Winter is when there are no leaves on the trees.
Winter is when we say goodbye to the birds and the bees.
Winter is when is when we get an extra hour of Z's.
Winter is when a red suited man brings us all lots of glee.
Winter is when the snow falls and we yell happy new year.
Winter is when you turn a special girl or guy's heart bright red with cheer until next year.
Winter goes away when the birds and the trees and the birds and the bees go back to where they should be. Winter spring.
Howard said this was poetry for 2 year old. He said there should be more to it than this. Fred added a few lines to the poem as he was arguing. Howard said he liked the poetry. Fred had more lines that he threw in. Ronnie said he wanted Fred to read it as him. Howard said they'll do that on Monday. Howard had Fred do it even though they didn't have time. Fred got out 3 lines and Howard made him stop.
Paul McCartney Comes In. 10/18/01. 8:25am
The Beatles' Paul McCartney came in this morning to talk to Howard about many things and to promote his new single ''Lover to a Friend'' which comes out on October 29th.
The excitement in the studio was very high when Paul showed up. You could hear it in both Howard and Robin's voices that they were thrilled to have Paul there.
Paul told Howard that he has heard and seen his show on occasion. He said he'd listen in his car once in a while. His limo driver actually told him not to do Howard's show because he's so nasty but Paul decided to give it a try anyway.
Howard said that Paul must be one of the most loving guys in the world because he stayed with Linda so long. Howard seems to think that Paul could have had his choice of any woman but he stayed with Linda for 30 years. He claims that he was with her almost every day of his life from the time they were married until Linda died. The longest period he stayed away was when he was arrested in Japan for marijuana possession. He spent a short time telling Howard about that experience and how he thought he was going to be serving 7 years hard labor over there. Paul also told Howard he got his ''rock star'' lifestyle out of his system before he met Linda so he was ready to settle down with her. He also said everything was different with her when he met her.
Howard also questioned Paul about Yoko Ono and how she actually met him before she met John Lennon. Then she claimed that she didn't even know who the Beatles were. Paul said he couldn't say too much about Yoko because he could get in trouble with her. He did tell his side of the story though and it sounds like Yoko knew exactly who the Beatles were before she met John. Paul said that life's too short to worry about stuff like that though.
Howard asked Paul why he wasn't involved in the John Lennon Tribute that took place a few weeks ago. Paul said he had other things to do and he also thought it would be a little weird for him to be there singing the songs. Howard also brought up how Julian Lennon wasn't invited to the tribute. Once again Paul didn't want to get into that whole discussion in public.
Howard asked Paul what he thought about the rumor that their manager gave John Lennon oral sex at one point. Paul said that his theory was that it never happened. Paul said that whenever he saw John, whether he was sober or not, he was always with a woman.
Howard brought up Paul's current fiancé Heather and asked if his kids are still upset that he's going to get married. Paul said they've come around recently and they're not upset about the marriage. Howard seemed to think that the kids would be upset about losing their inheritance to their stepmother but Paul said he told them that won't happen. Paul also told Howard how he has tried to raise his kids like normal kids. He sent them to public schools so they'd grow up without being spoiled rich kids. He wanted them to experience real people so they'd respect them like he had to do. Paul told Howard that 15 months after Linda died he met Heather and he felt guilty that he was going with another woman. He said he walked around alone and asked Linda to give him a sign if it was okay to be going out with this other woman. He said he heard an owl hoot and he took that as a yes.
Michael Jackson's name also came up. Michael owns the publishing rights to the Beatles songs. Paul said he used to have a good relationship with Michael until he got the publishing rights. After that Paul said he wrote to Michael asking him for a raise on his royalties but he doesn't ever get an answer so he doesn't have much of a relationship with him anymore. He finds the whole situation ironic. Paul does own a lot of publishing rights to a lot of songs. He said he got advice from his father-in-law when he got married to Linda. He suggested that Paul invest his money in a music publishing company and that's what he ended up doing. It took all of the money he had at the time but it's paid off in the long run. Paul said it was very risky but he lucked out.
Howard has heard over the years that Paul would sometimes play drums instead of Ringo on some of their songs. Paul said that sometimes that would happen and no one else in the band would hold it against him. He said he'd sometimes play some of George Harrison's guitar parts too if he thought it would help the song. He said the other guys were cool with it.
Howard heard that Paul disliked Elvis' cover of ''Yesterday'' so he asked him about that. Paul said that he doesn't hate any of the cover versions of their songs. He said that the Elvis cover was funny because he screwed up the lyrics at one point. Howard played him a few clips from the cover songs from Ella Fitzgerald, Bing Crosby and William Shatner. They all got a few laughs out of the songs.
Howard plugged Paul's new album ''Driving Rain'' which comes out November 13th. He also played the new single that Paul has coming out called ''Lover to a Friend.'' The proceeds from the song will go to the families of the police and fire department employees who were lost in the September 11th tragedy. Paul said that he was sitting in an airplane on the runway getting ready to fly back to England when the tragedy happened. He could actually see the smoke from the World Trade Center out the window of the plane. He's also playing a concert this Saturday that will also go to help those lost in the tragedy. Howard took a few phone calls including one from Vinnie Favale who was upset he wasn't allowed in the studio today. Howard told Vinnie earlier in the show that he ruined the Ringo Starr interview recently so he didn't want him doing the same to Paul's interview. Vinnie asked Paul a couple of questions and Howard cut him off. After the phone calls Howard let Paul go and took a break.
AJ Benza Punches Stuttering John... Banished From Show! 7/24/01. 7:45am
While Howard was taking phone calls and killing some time this morning Stuttering John was calling in as a listener and disguising his voice. He ended up goofing on AJ's failed TV show and it really pissed AJ off. AJ said he was going to go punch John out and John welcomed the threat. The next thing everyone knew AJ left the studio, ran out to John and smacked John across the face. Gary tried to get between them and he got hit also. It was all caught on tape and General Manager Tom Chiusano came down and told AJ to leave the station. He said there's no room for that in the work place and he told him to get out. AJ said no problem but Howard tried to discuss the whole thing first. Stuttering John was ready to kick his ass though. Howard told AJ that he needs some anger management classes or something. No one could believe that AJ would get that pissed over something so minor but AJ said that sometimes you just have to teach someone a lesson. He said he just smacked John with his left hand, not his right hand which is his strong hand. It doesn't matter to Tom though. He just has to leave now that Tom has come into it.
Howard said it was up to Stuttering John to make the decision of whether or not to have AJ thrown out of the station today. John said he has to go because he doesn't want something like that happening again. Gary said he doesn't think he wants the chance of that happening again either.
Donald Trump called in and told John that he should sue AJ and even Howard's show because the show's got the money. Trump said that John could make millions off of the suit and he'd never have to work again. Trump said his stuff and quickly hung up. He has a problem with AJ to begin with so he would be happy to see John sue him.
It was suggested that John be allowed to return a slap to AJ to make things even but there were conditions on AJ's end that people didn't want to deal with. Everyone was going nuts with the whole thing. Howard wanted to put the video clip on the web, Tom wanted AJ to leave, AJ was bleeding from KC grabbing him and tossing him out of the studio... it was a mess.
Gary was one of the people who thought that AJ shouldn't be allowed back on the show. He thinks that AJ is a ''loose cannon'' and could go off at any time. He didn't think that before today but now he does. Tom was saying that AJ may be allowed to come back tomorrow but it should be discussed with him first.
After taking a break Howard said that he's going to try and get the video either up on the web or on E! as soon as possible. Howard went on to discuss what should all come out of this. He and Robin discussed whether or not AJ should be allowed back on the show. Howard wanted to leave it all up to John and whether or not he's comfortable being around the guy. John says he knows he'll smack AJ if he is around so it might be a bad idea to let him back on the show. The fact that John was ''pushing AJ's buttons'' after making the phony calls also came up. Howard wasn't defending AJ's actions but he did say that John was pushing a little too far when he goofed on AJ's hair and called him an ''arrogant jerk''. The whole thing drove AJ over the edge and he smacked John. That was wrong of AJ to do but it happened. Howard tried and tried again to discuss the whole thing with John but John wanted to argue about it for some reason. He didn't want the responsibility of kicking AJ off the show. Howard finally made a decision not to allow AJ to come back on the show. John then thought that he was then the ''bad guy'' in the whole thing but that's not the way Howard was looking at it. He was looking at it as making it safe for everyone else on the show. He also said it's a message to every guest that comes on the show. You can't hit someone who works there. Howard wrapped up the whole AJ thing with his own little eulogy. He said that AJ is a great guy and a great guest but he wronged a friend of his so he's off the show.
This whole thing went so long into the show that Howard had to put off a couple of guests including Johnny ''Mud'' Mudman and some guy who's going to cut off his feet with a guillotine on the web. Howard said they'll be back tomorrow during a huge show which includes guests Mark Wahlberg and Beetlejuice vs. Gary the Retard in ''Password''.
Howard also said that tomorrow he'll announce where we'll be able to view the video from the AJ/Stuttering John fight on the web. Stay tuned for that.
In the clip Howard read a letter he got from an 18 year old kid who had gone through a bone marrow transplant. Howard said the letter came from a cancer hospital. Howard said he should call the kid and then press release it. Robin told him to do it out of the goodness of his heart. Howard told Gary to get the kid on the phone.
Howard read another letter he got from a woman who lost her husband to cancer. He said he sent her a picture of himself. Howard told Gary to get this kid on the phone. He told him to call Richard Johnson and AJ Benza so they can write it up. Howard took some calls while Gary got the kid on the line. Howard spent a few minutes talking to some people before Gary had Will on the line.
Gary came in and told Howard that this kid is flipping out on the air. Howard picked up and found out Will had gone home a few days ago. He wasn't in the hospital. Howard asked if he still has cancer. Will said he had Hodgkin's disease. Howard asked if he still has it. Will said Howard helped him get through the tough times. Howard said he's a good man. Will said he definitely is. Howard asked who gave the bone marrow. Will said Howard Stern did. Howard said that's right. Robin said Howard would never part with any of his parts. Will played along with Howard. He told Howard how painful the procedure was too. Will also said Howard paid for his hospital stay.
Howard said when this kid was down and out he helped him out. That's what matters. Will said he was close to tears after he got this call. Will said his doctor told him he would never call. He said the doctor told him that he wasn't a nice man. Howard said he hopes the doctor was right about his cancer. Will said he's doing alright so far. He said he has to get checked every few months.
Howard asked if he really thought he was dying. Will said he didn't know. He said when he first got it he was 15. He said he came out of remission at 18. Howard asked if he had to shave his head. Will said he had to cut it pretty short. He said it should take a few months to grow back.
Robin asked what he did when he found out he could die. Will said he didn't know. Howard asked if he tried every drug. Will said he just had to deal with it. Robin asked if his friends acted strange around him. Will said they did. He said they didn't know what was going to happen. Howard asked if he had sex before he got it. Will said he hadn't.
Howard said he would go to a hooker or something. He said that would be horrible if he went to a hooker and got AIDS or something. He said he could have been cured of cancer and then ended up with AIDS from the hooker.
Howard said he would just borrow a ton of money and never pay it back if he knew he was going to die. Howard let Will go a short time later.
Joanie ''Chyna Doll'' Lauer Comes In. 07/22/04. 8:20am
Howard said that former WWE wrestler Joanie ''Chyna Doll'' Lauer has gotten much bigger since they last saw her according to Gary. Gary told Howard that she's acting kind of odd today as well. Howard had the guys bring her in. Howard thought she looked thinner than she did last time she was in. He didn't know what Gary was talking about. Joanie told Howard that he was acting weird. She told him that she's been flying all over the country and she's worn out and that might be why she's acting weird. Howard thought she was acting kind of strange. She doesn't respond to questions according to Gary. When he brought up her injured hand, she acted kind of odd and said that it was hurt while working out.
Joanie said that she's being sued over a bunch of stuff and she's got this boyfriend who she has to break up with and how bad she's been treated. She's been fighting lions and tigers in Japan and some other odd stuff. She was rambling about a bunch of stuff so Howard had to slow her down. Joanie says she hasn't been getting much work but things are turning around for her now.
Joanie said that things got bad when Triple H married Vince McMahon's daughter. She had a ton of stuff going on at the time but that all fell apart when she left the WWE. Howard wondered if they got rid of her because Vince's daughter wanted her out. She wasn't sure but called them all ''chumps'' and said that they're unethical in the way they treat people. Joanie was calling Triple H ''Triple Ass'' whenever she mentioned him.
Joanie talked about how she has tried to use the ''Chyna'' name even though the WWE owns the name and they've threatened to sue her over that. She said she's been sued by agents and managers as well. The WWE is still threatening to sue her right now. Howard tried to find out more about what has gone on with her career. She said she was making about $250,000 at one point in her career and Playboy paid her over a million bucks so she was doing fine.
Joanie went out to Las Vegas and that's where she's working now. She told Howard she injured her hand on a piece of equipment in her apartment. Howard asked her about her boyfriend and how she ended up getting arrested when she was trying to have him removed from her apartment. She said that the guy told the cops that she'd hit him so she was arrested. Howard wondered how things got so bad. Gary came in a second later and read an article they had about this arrest and what happened that night. The stuff he was reading wasn't about that night that she was arrested. Joanie said that she was crying that night and it took 5 cops to arrest her. She was put in jail for 4 days and it was pretty bad.
Howard wondered if she's going to continue to date wrestlers after all of that. He suggested that she try dating some chicks instead. Howard then gave her a plug for an appearance she's making as a judge for the World's Most Beautiful Transsexual pageant (MostBeautifulTranssexual.com) out in Las Vegas this week. Joanie went on to say that she saw this Miss Universe contest recently and she was not impressed with the women she saw. She thinks the transsexual contest will be a lot more fun. They'll be doing a talent and beauty contest at the pageant and she thinks it'll be a lot of fun. Howard wondered if people ever think that she's a transsexual herself because she's so muscular. She said she's never had that problem.
Howard let a few phone callers through to ask Joanie some questions. He also brought in Joanie's brother Tobey who was there to talk about the music he and his sister have created. A couple of callers talked about how manly she is. One guy asked her if it hurts her balls when she gets slammed to the mat. Another caller asked her why she doesn't get into some porn. She said she has a home video of her and her boyfriend Sean having sex and she is thinking about releasing it. She's afraid that it might not get released if Sean is mad at her and doesn't want it to be released. Howard let a few more phone callers through including Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com). Chaunce said he knows someone who has seen the tape of Chyna having sex on tape and it's supposed to be pretty hot. Chaunce also told Howard that Joanie used to be a belly dancer and if she can do that maybe she should be a stripper. Another caller said that when he saw Joanie in Playboy he was blinded and he wanted to blame her for that. Another guy asked her if she has ever tea-bagged any of her boyfriends. One guy said she's a hermaphrodite. That guy ended up getting into an argument with Joanie for a short time.
Another caller called in as Joanie's sister and he was doing his Herman Munster impression. Gary told Joanie that she really should release this sex tape because it would prove to all of these guys that she's a full woman. She doesn't seem to think that's the main reason she would release it though.
Howard spoke to Tobey about this song that they had to perform ('Holiday'). Tobey had to tune up his guitar first. Howard told Joanie that she looks like she's on the verge of tears every time he sees her. She said she's not but things have been pretty bad over the past couple of years and things are just now starting to turn around. Joanie seemed a little concerned about the looks on some of the guy's faces in there. They looked angry to her. Howard said that the guys she was looking at are a scary bunch... Fred, Benjy and Artie.
Joanie and Tobey performed this song of theirs but Fred did his Herman Munster impression pretending to be Joanie warming up first. Howard started singing the ''Restless, Restless'' lyrics along with Tobey's music as he was ending the song. Robin said she liked their song. Tobey invited Howard to come perform with them at The Roxy with them. A few phone callers talked about how out of tune the guitar was and how out of tune Joanie was. One guy said it would have been a little better if Joanie had loosened up her jock strap. Another caller asked her who has the bigger penis, her or her brother. She just laughed at most of those dopey questions.
Howard wrapped up the interview and gave Joanie another plug for that Transsexual pageant she's judging. He also wondered what's included in the sex tape she wants to put out. She said there's some singing and dancing in it as well as the sex stuff. She didn't want to talk about everything in the tape because she doesn't want to get sued. Howard asked her if there were condoms used in the tape. She said she doesn't like them so they didn't use one. He also asked her about whether or not she has a period because she's got so little body fat. She said that she isn't too far from that monthly thing right now. Howard told her to come back in when she has the tape available so they can talk about it. He wished her luck at the transsexual contest but she said she wasn't in it, she's just a judge.
Today's Howard Stern's Staff Picks was over around 10:45am.
Ronnie The Limo Driver Wedding And Exotic Dancer Awards Stories. 09/08/08. 6:50am
Howard said that someone gave them a tape of Ronnie the Limo Driver out in Las Vegas where he made an appearance at some stripper thing. Howard said that Ronnie has become some kind of cocksman lately and he saw some pictures of him at Will's wedding over the weekend too. He said that Will got married like 10 hours away and he didn't go because of that. He had a picture of Will and his wife and showed that to the guys. Will didn't shave for the wedding so Howard pointed that out. He said he saw Will's father wearing a kilt too. He said that had to be embarrassing.
Gary said that he thinks that Will's dad changed kilts during the wedding. Will said he didn't change kilts. Howard said that it looks like a guy in a dress. Will said he thought it was awesome. Howard asked him why he wasn't wearing one then. Will said he's not full blown Scottish like his father is. Howard said it's a dress but Will insisted it was a Kilt.
Will talked about the knife that his father had on him and how they keep some kind of purse on the front of the kilt too.
Artie said that Gary looked fat in one of the pictures they showed. Howard said that Gary eats treats and stuff and that's why he's been getting fat. Gary said that he was wearing a suit that was too small for him. Gary said that the suit that Howard got for him wasn't quite ready. Gary said that he was waiting to lose some weight before he got the suit that Howard got for him.
Howard asked Will how old his father is. Will said he's 60. Howard congratulated Will on his wedding and then moved on to talk about Ronnie having his hands on girls all the time. In one picture he was lifting up some girl in a short dress. That led to Fred playing the Scoresman clips where he talks about what he's all about.
Ronnie came in and said that he wasn't doing anything at the wedding. He said that this girl in the picture was falling over there at the wedding so that's why he was holding her. Ronnie said he didn't want to hear this shit, threw down his headphones and walked out.
Howard said that Ronnie used to complain about wanting to make appearances and now he's getting paid to make them. He said that it seems to be going to his head because of his reaction to what just went on. He said that Ronnie drives like he's crazy and he's driving really dangerous.
Ronnie came back in and said that he didn't do anything at the wedding and he was just minding his own business. He explained the picture to Howard and said that people were falling down and he grabbed the girl so she wouldn't fall on the floor. He said she just happened to be standing next to him there.
Howard said that Ronnie was hired for this Exotic Dancer Awards show out in Las Vegas. He was the Co-host of the show with Jesse Jayne. He played a clip of Ronnie and Jesse hosting the show and Ronnie asking what he was doing there. Then Ronnie said that on ''our show'' they like people to go to strip clubs and stuff like that. Howard asked Ronnie why he has to bring him into his speech like that.
Ronnie said that Howard has said that he's all for strip clubs before. Howard said that doesn't mean he wants him bringing his name into it like that. Howard told him that when he says something he constructs it a certain way for himself and not for someone else to interpret for him. Ronnie said that he didn't think there was anything wrong with it because Howard had talked about that stuff before. Howard said he was going to play that clip over and over again until he understands what he did wrong.
Howard told Ronnie that he wasn't being funny in that clip either. Ronnie said he wasn't trying to be funny, he was being serious. Howard said that Ronnie is trying to be Artie and he doesn't want him going out there and saying ''We'' in these speeches as if he's representing him. He told Ronnie he's not representing him and he doesn't want him bringing him into that stuff.
Ronnie also talked about him complaining about his driving. Howard said that he drives like a maniac but Ronnie said he's not sure what's going on with that.
Ronnie said that he had his Howard TV shut off by the In Demand people. He said he's not sure why they did that but they refuse to turn it back on.
Howard played more of the Ronnie speech and then cut it off saying he can't listen to anymore of it. He played another clip a second later and goofed on Ronnie some more. Howard had another clip of Ronnie threatening some guy as they were going back stage. Ronnie said that the guy shoved him and threw him against a wall telling him to get out of his way. Ronnie told him that if he did it again he was going to be thrown out for the night.
Howard played a clip of Ronnie back stage with Ron Jeremy and Ron thinking that Ronnie was Rev. Bob Levy. Ron didn't seem to recognize him. Ronnie was telling him that he had been on ''our show... the Howard Stern Show'' before. Howard said that this was his worst nightmare. Ron eventually recognized Ronnie and claimed that he looked different than he had in the past. Ronnie said that he knew who he was and he was just schticking it up.
Hook Nose Mike called in and asked when this became the Ronnie Mund show. Howard said that he's not sure about what Ronnie was doing but he's all carried away. Mike goofed on Ronnie a little bit but Ronnie had nothing to say back. Ronnie said that he was just wrong. Mike said that maybe Ronnie should pay for Howard TV and he could get it. Ronnie claimed he was paying for it but now he's canceled it. Howard and Mike thought it sounded like a back peddle there.
Howard took some more calls about Ronnie and let some more people goof on him. They were calling Ronnie ''Jew Hefner'' and making fun of this strip club thing that he's into.
Howard said that Ronnie has been wearing some crazy new shirts lately. Ronnie didn't know what they were talking about. Howard said that he saw him wearing a shirt with weird stripes on it. Ronnie said that he must be getting notes from Doug Goodstein. Howard said he wasn't and he noticed that stuff himself.
The caller on the line asked Ronnie how his hair dye is today. Ronnie said he's fine. Howard told him he should go darker but Ronnie didn't sound like he was going to do that.
Robin told Ronnie that his cursing has gotten out of hand. Howard played some more of Ronnie's speech where he and Ron Jeremy were up on stage at the exotic dancer awards. Ronnie wasn't saying all that much at first. Then he called Ron an ''ass wipe.'' Ronnie claimed that Ron planned that out and it wasn't his idea. Howard said he thought it was Ronnie's new word. Ronnie insisted that it wasn't.
A caller said he thinks he knows what went wrong with Ronnie. He said that Ronnie should have been up on stage with his back to the audience because he is a limo driver. No one laughed at that joke.
Another caller asked who the biggest embarrassment was at Will's wedding. Howard said he heard that it was Tim Sabean. He said he heard he was doing some strange stuff there and he was knocking people over at the wedding. The Howard TV guys showed a clip of Ronnie grabbing this chick at Will's wedding and it appeared it wasn't because she was knocked over by someone. Ronnie said that he didn't call her over, she fell into him. Everyone was seeing something different than what Ronnie was describing.
Wolfe was on the line and goofing on Ronnie about the whole thing. Ronnie was trying to goof on him talking about how boring he is.
Howard and Ronnie spent another couple of minutes talking about his trip to Vegas. Ronnie said that he was at Mandalay Bay at a topless pool one day. Howard said that Howard TV is going to have some of this stuff this week.
Howard asked Gary what's going on with Howard TV being taken away from Ronnie. Gary said he asked some people back there but they knew nothing about it. Doug Goodstein wasn't there so Gary wasn't able to ask him.
Howard played a ''Mr. Swear Man'' song parody about Ronnie and his constant cursing. Mike Gange came in after that and said that this is the first he's hearing of this Howard TV thing with Ronnie. Ronnie said it was about 6 months ago that this went down. He said that they were giving it to him for free but then they took it away and he started to pay for it. He said he decided to cancel it after about 6 months of paying for it. Ronnie was upset that he shot this reality show with them for 3 weeks and they won't give it to him for free. He said he doesn't think it's right for them to have taken it away.
Mike Gange said that the Ronnie Mund Show is going to be great because it's 30 minutes of constant goofing on Ronnie. He said they have some great stuff that they put together for the show. They have four episodes coming up in October. Ronnie said that he can't even see it because he doesn't have Howard TV. He said they're going to have a premiere party at Rick's Cabaret so they can see it there.
Doug Goodstein called in and said that they had comps for people when Howard TV first started and now it's not available. Howard said that they could comp Ronnie though. Ronnie said he doesn't want it now. Ronnie said that it's fine and he doesn't care. Artie said that he pays for it himself. Howard said that if you work there you should get it comped though. Ronnie said that he doesn't need it and he's fine with it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Ronnie about the ''Let's fuck some whores'' thing that he said which he thinks led to Scores being busted. Ronnie said that everything is his fault and he's sorry about everything.
Howard took a call from Richard Christy who was doing his Ethel impression. He said that he wanted to invite Ronnie to the AARP awards. Ronnie told Howard to hang up on Richard sand didn't seem too happy about that.
Howard said he heard that they have tape of Ronnie sleeping in the hallway there. Gange said they have a lot of footage of him nodding off in the hallway there. He said that Ronnie kept blaming the lights. He said that Ronnie is old and it must be hard to stay awake there. He said they have 20-30 clips of him sleeping in different spots.
Howard said that Lisa G caught Ronnie dead asleep last week. Lisa came in and said that she found him in Scott's studio fast asleep. She felt bad reporting on it so she just left it alone. She said that he must be having a wild life outside of work if he's sleeping there. Howard asked Lisa why he was even in Scott's studio. That's where Ronnie hangs out and sits down.
Lisa said that was the first time she ever saw Ronnie sleeping. She said that he must be working hard. Howard said that it was 7:28 and he had to take a break. Howard said that Brad Garrett was stopping by today. Lisa said she heard that he was having a live colonoscopy done on TV or he did have it done already. Howard said that Katie Couric already did that live on TV.
Howard asked Ronnie why he's so tired all the time. Ronnie said he's not partying or on drugs or anything like that. Robin asked what's going on with the shirts lately. They talked about how he changed from mock turtle necks to collared shirts that look wild. He was wearing one that the guys said even Yucko the Clown wouldn't wear. Howard had to go to break after that.
Robin's News. 12/04/08. 10:05am
Robin read some news about the Grammy nominations and played some audio of some of the nominees. One of the songs was too fruity for Artie. Fred said that one was a good one to get butt fucked by. They went through a bunch of songs and talked about how gay some of them were. Howard ended up singing a tune as he made it up to the tune of one of the ''fruity'' songs they were playing. Howard did it in his effeminate voice. He had Artie cracking up during that performance. Robin told Howard that he should be writing this stuff down instead of just fooling around. Artie said that it was the same as the crap they were playing and it should be just as popular on iTunes if he put it out.
Artie, Gary, Fred, Robin's Speeches. 12/16/05. 9:15am
After the break we heard some more classic moments from the show as some of the guys were going down to the street to make their speeches. High Pitch Eric being chased by a fish and Dave Grohl performing ''Everlong'' live in the studio were played before Howard cut in and let everyone hear Artie making his speech. Artie was talking about how drunk he was and how great The Howard Stern Show is. He was talking about all of the people that they're celebrating. He even offered $50 to the first person who hands him a Vikodin this morning. He said he was going to bring the crowd to a special screening of ''Brokeback Mountain.'' He then got serious and said that his father turned him onto Howard's show and wished that he was still alive to hear him on the show. The crowd then cheered Artie's name as he walked off stage.
Next up on stage was Gary ''Baba Booey'' Dell'Abate. He thanked everyone on the show and all of the audience for supporting them. He talked about the names he's been called over the years and how he's taken all of them as compliments. He said that he may be older, grayer and fatter, but his teeth have stayed the same. He then broke into a song parody about his teeth. The crowd then started to sing the Star Wars Baba Booey song parody as he was leaving the stage.
Fred left the studio next to go make his speech. Howard said a few nice words to Robin about having his back over the years. He told her to spread her legs so they could get going but she wasn't going there. Fred was finally down at the stage so Howard listened in as he made his speech. Fred said that it pains him to know that the audience knows some of his deepest, darkest secrets. He talked about his name change, the Cookie Puss story and a few other classic moments. He then said that he really does feel that he's the luckiest man on earth because of the people he works with... like Howard Stern. He said that Howard saw something in him that no one else could see and he's been a friend ever since. He also said some nice words about the other people he works with like Gary and Artie. He didn't have much of anything to say about Benjy though. Fred also said that he wasn't there to say goodbye, he was there to say thank you to everyone who has been a fan of the show.
Howard broke in and said that he had to head down to the stage to make his speech. He thanked everyone who wasn't able to make it down there today for listening to the show over the years. He said he didn't know what people expected from the show but this is the way it's ending. He said he wanted to go have some fun with the fans who did show up out there. Ralph said that even Tom was getting into the whole thing because he put on one of the arm bands that they were handing out down there on the street... with the new Howard Stern on SIRIUS fist logo on it.
As Howard left the air, Robin started to make her speech. Robin said that the show wouldn't have lasted for 20 years without each and every one of the people in that crowd out there today. She said that she was very appreciative of the fans and they couldn't ask for anyone better. She said that everyone was waiting to hear what Howard had to say. She said something a couple of times that got the delay hit. She may have mentioned the SIRIUS name. Robin said that there's nothing wrong with what they do on the show and the fun will continue when they move to the new place. She said she loved everyone there and thanked them as she left the stage.
Howard's Final Speech. 12/16/05. 9:35am
At around 9:35 in the morning Howard was brought up on stage to make his final terrestrial radio speech. They brought him up to his movie soundtrack song ''American Nightmare.'' He got a few ''Hey Now's'' from the crowd and started to make his speech. He said that he loves the crowd and asked them if any of them work anymore. The crowd all said ''No!''
Howard made his speech but the delay was hit a few times. People in the crowd may have been cursing. He went on to talk about the past 20 years and how they've done it all. He talked about an article he read where they said he was the last of a dying breed because the religious right is taking over the airwaves. Howard said he's not going to bow down to that though, he's leaving FM radio so he can once again be free to do the broadcast he wants to do.
Howard said that the fans out there today were the real last of a dying breed because he doesn't think there will ever be another radio show like this or another audience like that. He said congratulations to them and told them that they're all a part of history today. He thanked everyone for being in his corner for all of these years and talked about how the support of the fans have allowed him to make his show what it's become today. He said that they've stood their ground over the years even after all of the things that have happened with fines and stuff like that.
Howard reminded the crowd about some of the things that have gone on with the show over the years where they battled other radio guys and beat them down. He brought up the ''dying breed'' thing a few times and thanked the crowd multiple times for being there for him. He brought up a few more things that happened on the show over the years and how there's no way that this radio show will ever be duplicated.
Howard went through many of the great moments from the show but there were still multiple delay button hits. It may have been the cursing coming from the crowd though. He thanked the crowd one more time for the past 20 years of shows and talked about how the ride isn't over yet, it's just beginning. Five more years of Howard Stern... uncensored. He said they'll never bow to the government, the FCC or the religious right.
Howard told the crowd that he's beat the government at their own game and that's what they'll show when they move to satellite. He pointed out that many of the crowd were wearing his new fist logo and he wanted to take that fist and shove it up Clear Channel. As he was talking about that the delay was hit a few more times.
Howard thanked his fans for coming out to his book signings over the years. He thanked them for the support they gave him over the years for his channel 9 show, his movie, his books, his CDs and video tapes too. He thanked his family for putting up with his career. He talked about his three children and how they had to put up with a lot. He thanked his parents and his girlfriend too. Howard said that he's very lucky to have the fans that he does and then asked Infinity Broadcasting to let him have his tapes.
Howard thanked Gary, Fred, Artie and Robin for being there for him as well. Scott the Engineer also got a thank you even though he screws up things for him. He thanked Sal, Richard, JD, Ronnie, Tom Chiusano and others. The delay was hit a couple more times during that speech. He thanked Cabbie for his revelations over the years and thanked Hank the Dwarf for what he did on the show.
Howard thanked the cast of ''Private Parts,'' the many comedians who have been on the show like Jim Florentine, Rev. Bob Levy and others. He thanked the board ops who worked on his show for years, the E! crew, all of the strippers, Zolar, Joey Boots, High Pitch Eric, Al Rosenberg, Hook Nose Mike, Debbie the Queefer, Rocky the Crack Whore, Bobo, Kenneth Keith Kallenbach, Clif Pallete, Jeff the Drunk, Double A, Mariann from Brooklyn, George Takei, Shuli and others. He tried to thank as many people as he could remember. There were many people standing in the crowd that he thanked. He also thanked the New York City cops who were there this morning keeping the crowd under control.
Howard said he was dedicating this last show to Sgt. Keith Manning who is in the military over in Iraq. He said that he's another one of the Dying Breed. Howard said a few more thanks to the fans who have kept him going every day. He's going to keep entertaining people every day when he makes his move. He gave a final F-Jackie and thanked the crowd one last time as they ended the show at about 10:00am. The crowd chanted Howard's name as they played him out with ''Tortured Man'' from the ''Private Parts'' soundtrack.
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Mark Harris Back To Singing. 09/08/06. 8:50am
Howard said someone sent in some audio of Mark Harris' latest song. He said Mark is apparently back to singing after dropping it for a while. He played the song where Mark sings about being a ''gay papa.'' He tells his whole life story in the song but it's so bad. Howard pointed out that Mark was talking about how great he is as a father and he'd love to talk to Mark's kids to find out what they really think of him.
Howard asked what's wrong with that guy after listening to the song. Robin said that the last time he was there he was very depressed and had stopped singing. At least he's back to singing now.
Richard Christy's Brazilian Bikini Wax. 02/13/06. 7:40am
Howard said that Richard Christy was going to be coming in to get a Brazilian bikini wax in a little while. He said he's going to have all of the hair ripped out of his asshole and all around that area. Richard came in and said he was getting nervous about this because he saw a video of it being done.
Howard had the woman come in who is going to be doing the bikini wax. She came in and told Howard that she works at Skin Beauty Lounge in Washington DC. Howard was going to bring up the SIRIUS Spa channel to listen to while they were doing this bikini wax thing. Howard said he couldn't find the channel because it wasn't called Spa. Robin told him it is the Spa channel. Howard ran across the Maxim channel and mentioned that Rob Cross from their old station is now programming over there. He eventually found the Spa channel and put that on as he spoke to the woman who was going to do the bikini wax.
Nora told Howard that the bikini wax is going to take a few minutes and she's going to need Richard to help her out a little bit. She said that some people do bleed when they get this done to them. She said that the guys have to get up on all fours sometimes to get the waxing done. She said that she's never pulled any doody out of there after Howard asked about that.
Howard asked how often this has to be done. She said that it should be done about monthly. Some guys come back every 3 weeks or so to get it done. Nora said that this seems to be a gay thing or a European thing for the most part. Howard asked her if it's hot when a hot chick comes in. She said there's nothing sexy about it because she's just pulling hair out. She also said that there was one guy who got an erection when he got his waxing done. She had to ask him to leave.
Richard was ready to go so Howard told Nora to get ready. She said that she will be powdering down his balls and ass before applying the wax. She said that she will be doing that with her hand too so Richard was ready to go. Howard figures that Richard will be screaming when it gets done. Nora needed about 5 minutes to get ready. Howard said he'd take some phone calls but ended up talking to Richard about his sensitive balls. Richard said he's afraid that it's really going to hurt when she rips that stuff off of there.
Howard was digging the Spa channel on SIRIUS as he was listening. Robin is into it as well and has listened to it before. Howard was also talking about the Olympics a little bit as he waited for Nora to get ready. He then asked Nora how things were going. She was ready to go and had a ton of stuff there to help her out. Then she asked Richard to take off everything from the waist down.
Robin said that she had one of these done to her one time and she screamed so loud that she cleared the waiting room. Richard was wearing Homer Simpson underwear so the guys goofed on him about that. Gary said that Richard's ass was pretty hairy and he wasn't even looking that close. Nora said she's actually seen worse. Howard thought that she dry heaved when she saw him though.
Richard laid down on his back and Nora said she was going to clean off his area with some antiseptic. Robin thought that he looked kind of small so Nora said that he was a little smaller than normal. She put some powder on his area and Richard said that it smelled good. Howard described what was going on and noticed that Nora kind of brushed against Richard's penis. She said she has to do that when she's doing this.
Nora put on the wax and then started to rip off the hair. Richard was moaning and groaning because he didn't know she was about to start. Gary said that it ripped out all of the hair and it was as clean as a baby's bottom. Nora did a few more rips and Richard was yelling in pain. He was also starting to bleed a little bit. Nora warned him that she was going to get closer to the shaft. She started to do that and Richard was screaming out in pain even more. She pulled some hair off the sides of his shaft and then applied more wax to rip the hair off. She didn't hesitate at all and kept Richard screaming out in pain over and over again.
Artie said that Richard looked like a giant baby sitting there screaming and kicking his legs around. Nora pulled the hair off of Richard's balls and it sounded like it hurt worse than any of the other pulls. Richard wanted to keep going because he wanted to get it over with. He was in a lot of pain when she pulled the ball hair off. Howard asked him if he wanted to stop. Richard just wanted to get it over with. The noises that were coming out of Richard were pretty funny so Howard and Artie were laughing their asses off. It was the ball sack that was really painful.
Howard asked Richard to stop but Richard wanted to get it all done because it would look odd if he didn't. Nora kept going and Richard kept yelling. He was anticipating the pulling off of the air and would ramp up on the screaming as it came. His balls were bleeding and she didn't think it was all that much. Richard had some bat wings going because his balls were so clean. The blood was making them stick to his thighs.
Artie said that watching his legs going up and down was hilarious. Nora was putting some lotion on Richard's area down there and it looked like she was giving him a hand job. She then ripped some hair off of the top of his shaft. Richard said the bottom of his balls was the worst pain. She went to the side of his penis and ripped the hair off which made Richard make some very odd noises. He was as clean as a whistle according to Gary.
Nora went to Richard's ass and told him to hold on. Richard said it really wasn't as bad as he expected down there. Then she went right in around his hole and pulled out the hair. Then she went for the taint. Richard wasn't as in much pain as it sounded like he was earlier. She pulled the hair out of his taint and asked if he wanted the hair off of his ass. He said he just wanted it even around there. She went back for his hole and pulled out some stubborn hairs. She went down below his balls again and he was yelling out in pain once again. Even stranger sounds were coming out of him as that was going on.
Artie told Richard he looked like a fruit now. She pulled some hair off his ass cheeks and Richard said it wasn't that painful. He also told Nora that he had farted a little while before that but it was a silent one. Howard wanted to give Richard a sentence to say while he was getting the hair pulled. Howard asked him to say ''The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain...'' He tried it but it came out kind of rough.
Nora missed some hair on Richard's balls so she went back there and tried to get them out. Richard sounded like he was being beaten or whipped every time she pulled out the hair. Howard said he wants to put an embargo on the pictures Jason was taking until they put this on Howard Stern On Demand. Nora was still pulling hair off of Richard's balls as the guys were restraining him. He was shaking making even stranger noises as it went along.
Nora said that she would normally tweeze some of the stubborn hair. She poured some antiseptic on his area and that made Richard scream out even more than he was during the hair pulling. She then put on some soothing lotion and some powder. Richard said that the pain was so bad that it didn't even feel good when Nora was putting the lotion on. Richard stood up to show the guys what he looked like. Howard said it looked ridiculous. Robin said that Richard's balls were bright read like he had a light bulb down there. Artie said it looked like he had Red Buttons in a leg lock.
Richard said he will never do this again, he'd rather shave down there. He also said that he respects women even more now that he knows what they have to go through. Howard gave Nora another plug for her web site SkinBeautyLounge.com. Nora said that she actually waxes herself so she's very clean down below. Robin said that he really did look like a big baby getting changed during the whole thing.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that the cringe factor was about as high as the time Steve O stapled his balls to his leg. Howard wondered who the first guy was who actually had that done because they must have felt like their balls were getting pulled off. Another caller asked Richard if he thought it was worth it to get that done. Howard thought it looked ridiculous and it couldn't be worth it. Richard said that it wasn't that bad and he will like being able to clean that area so easy.
Robin asked Richard if he gets off on pain. Richard said he does a little bit. The guys said that his penis looked like a rooster's neck. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked if Richard was okay. He said he was fine. Howard took a call from another guy who said that Richard has to dip his balls in alcohol every hour. Nora said that's not true. Richard said that was the most painful part of the whole thing when she poured the alcohol on his balls.
A couple of guys called in and said that they've tried to have that done but they had to bail out because it was so painful. Howard wrapped up with Nora and Richard a short time later.
Stevie Wonder Performs Live. 10/20/05. 7:00am
Howard came back from break and said that Stevie Wonder was running a little late but he'd be there soon. He asked Artie if he'll be drinking on Saturday night at Ronnie's Scores party. Artie said that he will be drinking and having a good time with the guys. Howard took a call from a woman who said she doesn't know how she's going to get anything done today because she's got Wendy the Retard on Howard 100 today. Howard tuned in and heard her just breathing on the air over there. Wendy asked to watch Barney at one point and then started doing some Karaoke. Wendy has someone in the room with her showing her how to use the equipment. The woman on the phone said Wendy was playing drums and stuff like that. Howard wanted to do more of the Jackie interview stuff but he didn't want to interrupt Stevie Wonder. Gary came through on his intercom and asked Howard if he wanted to finish up the Jackie interview even though they'd just talked about doing that. Howard said that Gary is on a delay so he doesn't hear everything they say.
A phone caller told Howard that Wendy the Retard was being coached in the studio so maybe they should stop that. Howard said he might have to ask them to stop the coaching. Stevie Wonder showed up a short time later and came right in the studio. Howard was about to go to break but had to stay there to applaud Stevie with the rest of the guys. He told Stevie they were giving him a standing ovation but he didn't have to stand up since Stevie couldn't see them. Stevie told Howard that he looks better with age... He also told Howard that he listens to the show sometimes but it wasn't clear if he was yanking him around or not. Howard was all over the place with Stevie until he settled down and concentrated on one subject. He asked Stevie when he started getting laid and how he got his first record contract. Stevie told Howard a story about how he would hear music playing out on the street but he wasn't allowed to cross the street. He paid a friend of his to help him across the street and hooked up with a guy who was playing two blocks away. That person let him play with them and hooked him up with a record company. Stevie said that his mother almost blew his record contract for him back then. He said he loves her very much though and things are good with them.
Howard asked Stevie about his vision loss and how that came about because of too much oxygen when he was born pre-mature. Stevie said he can remember seeing some things when he was younger and now they're working on getting him some implants that will help him to see some images. He said they did some testing and got some good results. The tests are kind of inconclusive at this point and he's not sure that the chip is the right thing for him.
Howard got back to the discussion about when he got laid but Stevie wasn't going to tell him his business. Howard told Stevie that he got laid when he was 16 and Stevie said that sounds a little late. Stevie got his first record contract at 13 so Howard figures that's when he first got laid. Stevie said that it could have happened then but maybe it didn't. They talked about Stevie's first wife Syreeta who just passed away a couple of years ago. Howard wasn't aware of that and left the story alone after Stevie told him about her breast cancer.
Howard asked Stevie who helps him out and walks him out on stage. Stevie said that it's actually his brother who helps him out. Howard figured that's the only person that you can trust to do something like that. He asked the brother if Stevie ever asks where the hot women are at. Stevie said that doesn't happen. He said that he's married now and plans on being married forever. He's got 7 kids now and 2 with his new wife of four years. Howard wondered how old his oldest kid is. Stevie said he has a daughter who's 30 years old and rattled off the names of all of his kids for Howard. He was still refusing to talk about the chicks he's banged over the years. He also said that he never had to ask his brother to pick out the hot chicks either.
Stevie was asking for some food but Howard let him know that he was at a radio station, they don't have any food for guests. He went on to ask Stevie about his celebrity friends like Prince who has been over to his place to listen to his new CD. That led to Robin and Howard asking Stevie what kind of music he likes these days. Stevie told them that he doesn't know of anyone who is a genius. Gary came in a minute later to take Stevie's breakfast order since they didn't have any food there for him. Stevie said he'd have an egg white omelet with no cheese and a pineapple cranberry mix drink. His brother took the same thing but with cheese.
Howard asked Stevie to go over to the piano they had in the room so he could play some songs for them. Howard gave him a plug for his new album ''A Time To Love.'' They were having some trouble with the keyboard they had in there so they had to mess around with it for a short time. Stevie was changing all of the instrument sounds on the board and couldn't find the piano setting. Scott the Engineer wasn't able to get it done either so they brought in Stevie's personal keyboard. Howard took some phone calls and let some people say a few words to Stevie. Vinnie Favale called in and told Howard about a song that Stevie wrote about his wife cheating on him. Stevie sang a little bit of that song without the piano. He eventually got the piano working but it didn't sound right to him because of the way it was hooked up. Once he got going he got into it and sang some of the songs that Howard wanted to hear. Stevie's voice was breaking up a little bit so he had to warm up a little bit. Robin requested a little ''Superwoman'' so Stevie sang the song using her name in the song.
Howard asked Stevie about being friends with Michael Jackson. Stevie would only say that he's his friend and wouldn't answer Howard when he asked if he would let his own kids sleep over at his house. Stevie would only say ''I'm Michael Jackson's friend.'' After talking to Howard a little bit he would play another little bit of one of his songs. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and ruined one song because she couldn't hear him playing when Howard put her on the air. She said she was honored and wanted to hear a little bit of ''Isn't She Lovely'' so Stevie performed a little bit of that for her. He talked about the song and how it was never released as a single, it was only on an album. He told Howard how he wrote the song and how that all came about. He even reenacted how he came up with the lyrics. Howard told Stevie that he took piano lessons as a kid but his piano teacher killed himself... and he wasn't kidding about that. Stevie never took lessons. He played a little bit of a song that he was creating, as he was going along, just for Howard.
Howard asked Stevie how long after meeting a woman it would be before he'd play a personal performance for her. Stevie said he would do that when he was younger he would actually do that. Captain Janks called in and asked Stevie to play a little bit of ''Sir Duke'' for him... and asked him if he ever ''saw'' Howard's movie ''Private Parts.'' Stevie played along and said he saw it. He then went on to play a little bit of ''Sir Duke'' for Janks. Howard asked Stevie if he and Bill Cosby are still friends. Stevie said that he still talks once in a while but not all that much. Howard gave him another plug for his album and took some more requests over the phone. One guy asked to actually sing along to ''My Cherie Amore'' over the phone. Stevie started to laugh when the guy called him ''brother'' as he was singing. Howard ended up singing instead of Stevie but he had Stevie take over since he couldn't remember the lyrics. Howard took over once again and sang the song about Scores and how much he loves that place.
Howard asked Stevie some questions about what he'll be leaving his kids in his will. Stevie said that his kids won't get any money, they'll have to work for their money. Howard asked Stevie to play his favorite song off of his new CD but Stevie was starving and wasn't getting paid so he was being kind of reluctant to play. Howard asked him what song he thought was going to be a big hit but ended up not being as big as he thought. Stevie said that was probably ''What the Fuss.'' Howard also asked him to play a little bit of ''Pastime Paradise'' which he did for a few seconds. Stevie couldn't remember all of the lyrics though. Gary came in and made one more request before Howard played something off of his CD. He played some of ''What the Fuss'' which Stevie said features Prince and En Vogue.
Artie told Stevie that his girlfriend is envious of him because she's got to look at him every night. Howard was going to wrap up but Stevie wanted to get someone on the phone to talk to Howard but he had to go through a whole thing to get the person on the line. Gary said that Stevie was using this brail Blackberry-like device to find the number. Gary told Howard this might be worth it and helped to get the person on the phone. Stevie said that the person was surprised that Howard would have him on the show and not have him. The person was on the line but Gary wasn't as excited as he thought he was going to be. The person on the phone was ''Bruce'' but not the Bruce that Gary thought it was going to be. He thought it was going to be Springsteen but it was some guy doing a gay voice and goofing on them.
Howard wrapped up with Stevie even though he said he could interview him for 5 hours. He asked him to come back tomorrow but Stevie said that he's going to be busy. Howard and Robin told him how great he is and what an influence on the music industry he's been. Howard gave him some more plugs for his album ''A Time To Love.'' Stevie said that he'd like to do this again with them and even offered to do a concert if they found a good charity to give to. Howard thanked him again and had Stevie play them into commercial.
The Stern Show From Las Vegas Day 1- BANGO with Taylor Rain. 05/12/04. 7:00am
Howard came back from break and didn't seem to know that he was back from break. He talked about how disturbing High Pitch's fat belly was and then asked the crowd if they wanted to play some BANGO. They cheered so Howard explained how they came up with the game. He said that Gary was the one who came up with the BANGO name for their version of BINGO.
Porn star Taylor Rain came out a short time later. Howard said she's a beautiful woman and she's the prize you win in the game. Howard said she's one of the hottest chicks he's seen in porn. She's only 23 years old. Howard asked her if she really gets off when she does porn. She said she loves sex and she does get off. Howard had her stand up in front of the crowd so they could see what she'd win. She was tall and thin and weighed about 90 pounds according to Howard.
Taylor told Howard that she's been in porn for about 2 years now. She said she doesn't like having sex with girls. She told Howard that she's 5'3'' tall and weighs just 105 pounds. Yucko the Clown was in the crowd so he yelled out and asked her if she likes clowns. He said he'd eat the corn out of her mother's ****.
Howard asked Taylor to reenact some of her orgasmic moaning from her movies but she said she can't fake it. Robin did her impression of her instead much to the delight of the crowd. Gary told Howard that he heard that Taylor lost her virginity in her ''bad place'' before she lost the regular way. Right after that her boob popped out so Gary covered her up. Gary told Howard that they could get in trouble for that so that's why he covered up. Taylor said now she just loves to F*** in any way now. She's used many toys and even household toys to get herself off. She likes to take it in the dirty place.
Gary asked Taylor about her relationship with her parents. She gets along with her father but she doesn't get along too well with her mother. Howard asked her about some of the movie's she's done. She explained some of those and said that even though she has a boyfriend, she gets to do what she wants.
Howard moved on to the BANGO game and the whole crowd had BANGO cards. Howard told them to make sure they don't yell out BANGO unless they actually have it. They had a dancer from the Spearmint Rhino club spinning and pulling out the BANGO balls. She read them off and it went something like this:
Nikki Ziering Gets Topless. 03/29/05. 8:55am
Howard had a new KISS song parody about Sal the Stockbroker right after the break. Howard didn't let it play too long though. Nikki Ziering came in after that. Howard said he hoped that she was almost nude when she came in. She looked pretty hot according to Howard. She was thinner than ever and Robin wondered how she stays so thin without ended up like Terri Schiavo. Nikki said that she doesn't throw up her food, she'd rather not eat than do that. Howard asked Nikki if she's got a boyfriend right now. She said she has a guy who isn't in the business or anything so they wouldn't know the guy. She was avoiding the question and said that's not what she was there to talk about.
Howard said they had a kid there who was going to compete against Nikki to win some money to help pay the bills for his kid who has cancer. The guy, Scott, came in so Howard quickly got to the game and told him he'd win $500 courtesy of the movie ''Sin City.'' Howard said that if Nikki didn't get the answer right, they'd be able to hit the guy with a tazer gun. Nikki didn't want them to do that but they strapped him into the tickle chair anyway. Howard asked Nikki ''What is 40 percent of 20?'' She thought about it for a few seconds and asked if they were really going to tazer that guy. Howard said they really would tazer him if she didn't answer correctly. She came up with the right answer of 8 right before Howard was going to tell her that time was up. Howard said they'd give Scott $500 each time Nikki got a question right. He asked her the second question which was ''Copenhagen is the capital of what country?'' Nikki thought she knew but wasn't able to come up with the answer.
Howard told the guys that it was time to tazer Scott. He first gave Nikki the right answer of Denmark for that question. He then told Nikki that she could save the guy if she took off her shirt. Nikki thought about it but couldn't do it so she left Scott hanging. She said she wasn't wearing a bra so she couldn't take off her shirt. Howard told Nikki that the guy's son Jay is only 7 years old and is dying of cancer. Doug tazered the guy and it sounded like he was in severe pain. Howard told Scott that they were going to hold it twice as long if she got another one wrong. Howard went on to ask Nikki another question and told Doug to up the voltage on the tazer and to hold it on him twice as long if she got the wrong answer. Nikki was able to answer ''In the book Moby Dick, what is Moby Dick?'' Howard asked her ''Name the First Lady.'' Nikki said ''Barbara Bush'' which was way off. Howard told Scott that he was about to get twice the voltage for twice as long as the last tazer. Nikki asked if there was anything she could do to stop that. Howard told her to take off her top but she wanted to do something else. She was willing to take the tazer for half the time but not to take her top off. Howard told her she could just take it off for 10 seconds but she didn't even want to do that. Scott said that maybe she could cover her boobs with her hands. Howard okayed that and said it was up to her. Nikki said she would do that if she could take the top off and come back out with her hands over her breasts. Gary led her into the bathroom and had her take the top off. Howard and Gary said that she had to come out and sit there for 30 seconds and the clock should start when her butt hits the couch.
Nikki has never been topless on the show before so this is a first. She came out of the bathroom a short time later with her top off and sat down on the couch. Gary thanked her for coming in today. Howard told her she looks really good and Artie asked her to give herself a round of applause. Howard then broke the news to Nikki that he was going to tazer Scott anyway. Doug hit him with the tazer for a few seconds and the guy screamed out in pain. Howard told her that it was because he didn't get to see her whole breast. Howard also told her that Scott is an actor and there is no real tazer. Nikki ran back into the bathroom to put her top back on. They tricked her into taking her top off and it worked. Howard told Nikki that Artie has cancer as well. They gave Scott the $1000 even though he was just there acting. Scott thanked Nikki for being there and invited her down to see him at a poetry thing he's going to be at tonight. Robin said that she had an idea that this was a set up but she really wasn't sure. Howard said he should have gotten her pants off while he had the chance.
Howard told Nikki how hot she looked and that she has a heart of gold. Howard asked Nikki about this movie ''National Lampoon's Gold Diggers'' she's in. She was having some trouble with the name of one of the stars in the movie. Howard moved on and asked her if she ever sees her ex-husband Ian Ziering. She said she never sees him and she's moved on. Howard wondered if she remembered all of the Jewish holidays since she converted over when she married Ian. Howard had to help her out since she couldn't remember it. He also asked her why she and Ian got divorced. She said she really didn't remember what the exact reasons were.
Howard and Gary both said that Nikki looked better than ever today and wondered if she's had any work done. She said she hasn't had any plastic surgery on her face but she does get botox injections in her forehead. She said she does stuff to prevent the aging. She has had a couple sets of breast implants though. She had silicone implants but switched over to saline. Howard told her she made the right decision. Nikki said that she works out just about every day and that's very important. Gary asked her if she's up for anything when it comes to sex. She said it all depends on the guy but it sounds like she's pretty open. Howard started to wrap up after that and gave her another plug for the movie. She'll also be appearing at J&R Records in Manhattan at 1pm. She said she won't be topless down there though. Howard said they have a picture of her on HowardStern.com topless though. Howard says he'll get her pants off next time she's on. He said they'll just have to kill some animals one by one until she takes her pants off. Howard went to break a short time later.
Today's Howard Stern's Staff Picks was over around 10:35am.
Quentin Tarantino Visits. 12/05/12. 7:05am
After the break we heard a Dice Clay Jr. Christmas song and a Herman Cain Christmas wish. We also heard a prank call Blue Iris made to a Christmas store looking for Christmas balls. Fred also played Aerosmith's ''Love In an Elevator'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said that Quentin Tarantino has a new movie out called Django Unchained. Howard said he looks tan too. Howard asked if he's a fan of George Takei. Quentin said he is. He mentioned a movie he was in many years ago.
Howard asked Quentin about working in a video store and if that was like film school for him. Quentin said it was. Quentin said that he quit school as a kid because he hated it. He said he started skipping school and he would stay out of school for 4-6 days and when he went back he knew he'd be in trouble. Quentin said he would stay out for 2 weeks and he knew he'd be in really big trouble. Howard asked if he was afraid that his parents would get angry. Quentin said he eventually went back to school and he got in trouble. He said his mom yelled at him about it.
Howard asked where his dad was. Quentin said he left. He was gone. Howard asked if he has ever seen him. Quentin said he actually approached him at a coffee shop once. He said it was in Santa Monica and he must have heard he hung out there. Quentin said one day he was eating breakfast and there he was standing there. Howard asked why he was interested in him now that he's a director. Quentin said that he had 30 years to get in touch with him. He said if it was really bothering him he had those 30 years to reach out to touch him.
Howard asked how his dad talked to him. Quentin said he could sense who it was by the way he was looking at him. Howard asked if he looks like his dad. Quentin said that he looks more like his mom. Quentin said he expected that day to come some day. Quentin said he was making overtures to try and get in touch with him. He said he asked to sit down with him and he just said no. He said he waved him away and looked back at his plate. He said he had nothing to say to the guy. He said the only thing he could have said was ''thanks for the sperm.''
Quentin said he didn't even know that his dad was alive for 30 years. He said his dad was an actor when he was younger but he didn't do it for real. He said what happened is his dad and Al Pacino's dad, Sal, teamed up and they do movies. He said they call themselves the Silver Foxes and their movies go straight to video. Howard said he may have had his dad on the show. Howard said he had the Silver Foxes on the show once. Howard said he may not have known that he was estranged from his dad. Howard asked Gary if he knows if he was in there. Howard asked if he ever watched those movies. Quentin said he never did. Gary said Tony Tarantino was in fact on the show. Howard said he knew it. Robin said they spent more time with him than Quentin did. Howard said he has to go back and listen to that interview. He wondered if he was acting like Quentin's pal.
Quentin said that a magazine got in touch with his dad and interviewed him at the height of his fame. He said he hasn't spoken to that magazine, Premiere, since then. Howard said he must have asked his dad if he was close to his son. Quentin said in the article in Premiere they had his dad dressed like a Reservoir Dog.
Gary said that Howard cracked a joke to Tony about being closer to Quentin than he is. Gary said Howard also said he was going to try and get a reconciliation going. Quentin thanked him for that. Howard said he wonders if he has any half siblings or anything.
Quentin said that Harvey Keitel once told him it was better that his dad left than stick around and hate being there. Howard said that could have been doing him a favor.
Howard asked if he has regrets for not going to school. Howard said he has huge gaps in his education and he wonders how Quentin could have done if he stayed in school. Quentin said that he keeps up on things that he's interested in. He said he quit middle school and he has bragging rights now but that doesn't happen for everyone. Robin said kids do point out the drop outs that have become famous.
Quentin said that he thought in the 9th grade that school would be like that forever. He said he didn't understand what college would have been like. He said he thinks that it would have been great to go to college and learn.
Howard asked what Quentin did to make money. Quentin said when he was 16 he got a job at a porno movie theater. He said he lied and said he was 18 to get that job. Howard said back then there wasn't a lot of porn around. Howard said he's younger than he is so maybe there was more. Quentin said he's 49. Howard is 58.
Quentin said back then when they were showing porn they were moving from film to video and that was in like 1979. He said it was the last bastion of the Boogie Nights kind of stuff.
Howard asked if he hates the digital age. Quentin said he got into this for film and the 24 frames per second with the flicker and all of that. Quentin said that the good quality of DVDs is fine for being at home but film in a theater is different. He said that it gives you a reason to want to leave your house. Quentin said that people don't even know they care about it. He said if you go to see one of these movies in digital and a glitch happens you realize you can just do this at home.
Howard asked Quentin about writing and how a guy with a limited education knows how to write a screenplay. Howard asked if his grammar and spelling are poor. Quentin said his spelling was never great. He uses spell check. Howard asked if he studied about that stuff. Quentin said he was writing that stuff when he was in school.
Howard said last time he was there he was promoting Inglourious Basterds. He asked if it's true that he sends all of his scripts to Leonardo DiCaprio. Quentin said that's not exactly the way it goes.
Howard asked about how he offered the role in Django to Will Smith and he turned it down. Jamie Foxx took the role. Howard said it seems to take a special actor to get what he's doing in a movie. Quentin said that he had just finished the script and he will want to talk to someone about the role. He said he has to do a ''getting to know you'' kind of thing. He said that he didn't think that Will would be right for the part. He said the part is a guy who is a slave who ends up becoming a bounty hunter. Howard said maybe Will couldn't wrap his head around the thing. Quentin said that it wasn't a perfect fit for Will. It was a perfect fit for Jamie.
Howard asked Quentin about the last time he was on the show and said he smoked hash with Brad Pitt. Quentin said that Brad was the one who brought it up first. He said he thought it was okay to talk about. Howard said it turned into a big thing between Brad and Angelina because she had told him not to do that anymore.
Howard asked Quentin if he goes to Harvey Weinstein every time he wants to make a movie. Quentin said they have a good relationship. He said that they both give each other crap but they work well together. Howard asked if he gets scared every time he makes a movie. Quentin said if this movie comes out and it's disappointing commercially then he might be upset. He said he wants the movie to be a smash. Howard said the movie seems interesting. Howard said he thinks that if he is interested in it then everyone is interested in it.
Howard told Quentin about the movie Lincoln and how he hated that. Quentin said he hasn't seen it yet. Howard said it was really boring to him.
Howard asked Quentin about his favorite films of last year. He liked the Woody Allen movie ''Midnight in Paris'' and he liked ''Rise of the Planet of the Apes.'' Howard said he liked that one. Quentin said he almost gave that one his number one slot. He said he saw Midnight In Paris a lot but he didn't laugh as much when he saw it the second time. He said he liked Owen Wilson in the movie more than any other. Howard asked if he would put him in one of his films. Quentin said he doesn't think so. He said he's one of those guys he just doesn't find funny. He said Jonah Hill is funny. He thought he was great in Moneyball and he put him in Django.
Howard asked what time this movie takes place. Quentin said that it takes place about 2 years before the Civil War. Howard asked if he has to go and study up on the war. Quentin said he already knows a lot about history. He said that this isn't the same kind of thing like Inglourious Basterds.
Howard asked Quentin about a movie not doing that well and if he's going to go into a dark place. Quentin said he's been very lucky with how well his films have done so far. He said they have done very well especially for how much they spend on them. Howard asked how much Inglourious Basterds cost to make. Quentin said it was about $75 million. Howard asked why films are so expensive to make. Quentin said the money goes to the time to do it right. He said they pay the actors but not their highest going rate. Howard sake if he wants to come in under budget to make Harvey feel good. Quentin said that's not the reason to do it but they will try to save some money.
Howard said there is a lot of pressure to do well. He said that you can't believe that someone put up $75 million to make it. Howard asked if he has ever put up his own money. Quentin said what he has done is gone way over and have them take it out of his back end deal. Howard said it's not like he deviously went over the budget and he's trying to keep the movie going. Quentin said that he is choosing to do this and he would rather invest in himself.
Howard asked Quentin if he gets about $10 million out of doing a movie like Inglourious Basterds. He told Howard to double that. Howard said that's a good pay day. Quentin said they went over the budget for Django so he put up his own back end money to pay for it.
Howard asked Quentin if there's a lot of merchandising. Quentin said that he's had a lot of dolls and things made for the past couple of movies. He said that it's not in Toys R Us or anything but they do make some stuff. He said he has the Pussy Wagon in his driveway at home. He said that's fun to drive when you go out with friends once in a while.
Howard asked Quentin if he feels superior to other human beings. Quentin laughed. Robin told Howard to just look at him. Quentin said that Robin is always a bitch to him. Robin said she's actually marveling at how down to earth he is.
Howard asked Quentin if he spoils his mother now that he's doing so well. Quentin said there was this whole thing about Elvis buying his mother cars and houses. Quentin said that he used to write his films in class and the teachers should have figured out a way to work that into the school work. Quentin said one day his mother was yelling at him about something and she said ''This writing career of yours is over.'' Quentin said that he told her that when he got famous there would be no house for her.
Howard asked if his mom is very proud of him now. Quentin said she is. Howard asked how he becomes a famous director after working in a video store. Quentin said that he started writing and the first movie was ''True Romance.'' Robin said that was a brilliant movie. Quentin said that he wrote Natural Born Killers and he wasn't able to get either one going. He said he was trying to raise the money to shoot these things. He said no one wanted to buy them. Quentin said that he didn't know anyone with money but they were trying.
Howard said those movies were kind of out there. Quentin said that True Romance showed that he could write. He said True Romance was read by people and they thought that the dialog was too long. He said that they thought he didn't know what he was doing because of the way he wrote. He said he wasn't able to get past the readers at the studios. Quentin said by the time the higher ups got it they thought it was brilliant. He said the readers there would read it and think it wasn't properly done.
Howard asked Quentin about this new movie Django Unchained and what that's all about. Quentin said it's done in the style of a spaghetti western. He said that he likes that kind of brutal film. Howard asked if they can make it look so real with the technology they have now. Quentin said it's so real looking they had to tone it down a bit. Howard said he read that Quentin started to cry during a beating of a slave scene. Quentin said it was early on in the production and they were just dealing with that ugliness. He said it was traumatizing to everyone. He said they were doing it in the slave area of a real plantation so it actually happened there. He said they could feel the spirits of the old slaves there on the property.
Howard asked Quentin about using the N-word in the movie and if he's going to get crap for that. Howard asked if the black actors had a problem with it. Robin asked if he's seen any of Quentin's movies. Quentin said they all knew what was in the script. He said because of the time period the word was used a lot on the plantation.
Robin said that they're trying to change the words of Mark Twain because of the N-word. Robin asked if she heard anything from the studios. Quentin said the studio was nervous and they did count the number of times it was said. Howard asked if Harvey ever told him to put more N-word in there. Quentin laughed.
Howard said the movie is violent but that's what it was like back then. Howard said that Jamie Foxx is a slave who turns into a bounty hunter. Quentin told Howard about how he's bought by Christoph Waltz's character and he turns him into a bounty hunter. Howard said Christoph was in Inglourious Basterds. They spent a minute talking about that. Howard said it must feel great when his actor wins an Oscar. Quentin said that it's great. He said he's so proud of things like that.
Howard asked Quentin if he won an Oscar for Inglourious Basterds. Quentin said he didn't. He said he was pissed he didn't win Best Screenplay. He said the guy who wrote Hurtlocker won for that. They won for best director too. Quentin said that he thought he was going to win so he did have a speech written. Howard asked if he was going to mention Howard Stern. Quentin said he was going to wing it.
Robin asked how it feels when they mention someone else's name. Howard said he used the N-word. Howard said it has to be tough. Quentin said he turns into an angry black man when he loses. He did an impression of what that might sound like and Robin was cracking up.
Howard said that Quentin is almost 60 years old now. He said that he doesn't have any kids but he thinks about having a child at that age. Quentin said about 10 years ago he had baby fever but that fever broke. Howard said that's good. Howard asked if he's dating now. Quentin said he is and he's getting kind of serious about her. Howard asked what she does for a living. Quentin said she writes for a lot of horror film magazines. Howard said he was reading about his life and read about some woman he was dating. Howard asked if that dating turned to love making. Quentin said ''Not per say.''
Howard asked Quentin about a story he read about this woman who revealed that he was into her feet. Quentin said what she did wasn't cool. He said he went to a party with Jamie Foxx and this okay girl came over to him and she was very aggressive. Quentin said she was making out with him and he should have stopped it but he didn't. Howard said he's a guy. Quentin said he was hanging out with Jamie and then he's macking with some chick in the first 10 minutes. He said he wasn't even that into her but he was letting her use him. He said she was grabbing his joint and he ended up taking her home. He said he was a gentleman to her and drove her home the next day. Then she wrote about it and it was all over the internet. Howard said she used him. Quentin said that's never happened to him before. He said he's been with a lot of wonderful ladies and they've all been discrete.
Howard said when he was single he got into some weird scenes. Howard said he had the same kind of things going on with women. Howard asked if he was embarrassed by kissing her feet. Quentin said that's really no one's business.
Howard said Kathy Griffin was on the show talking about hanging out with him too. Howard had some audio of Kathy talking about spending the night with Quentin and trying to avoid having sex. Kathy said they made out all night long and they were feeling each other up and things like that. She said that they made out and Quentin was fully hard. Howard asked if he had a big penis and Kathy said he did. She said there was no release on either side.
After playing the clip Howard asked Quentin how you lay in bed with someone and not have sex. Howard asked why he didn't bang her. Quentin said part of the thing was that they weren't thinking of getting together. He said they were going to see each other after that so it was just a playful messing around thing. He said it was hot and they had a fun night. Quentin said one of the things that happened was the only time that he fooled around with someone who said something very funny in bed. He said they were talking before bed and Kathy told him that if they lay in bed they're not going to have sex. He said that was fine and they could just do the thing. She said ''What is 'the thing.''' and he said that it's doing everything but sex. Kathy said that she would never do ''the thing'' with him but then a few hours later she said ''Oh my god I'm doing the thing.''
Howard asked if he feels betrayed by that clip. Quentin said he doesn't at all. He said that Kathy wasn't going into detail like this other girl did. He said the other girl was doing a hateful smear. Quentin said that everyone who read that story felt bad for him. He said that she didn't even have nice feet. He said that when he got her home he realized that she had kind of a beard. Howard said he was just being nice to her then.
Howard asked about Quentin being roasted at the Friar's Club and Quentin was kind of upset that Jerry Lewis felt like it was a roast for him. Quentin said that's not what he said. He said he loves Jerry. He said the roast was weird. He said his long time editor died before the roast and they had to put it off for a couple of months. He said that's what made the whole thing weird. Howard said that Sally Menke was her name. Howard said that she edited his films. Quentin said she was almost like a co-writer because she was so good at her job. Quentin said he didn't have her on this new movie. Howard asked if that freaked him out. Quentin said it was what it was. Howard asked if he was afraid to make his next movie after Sally died. Quentin said he wasn't afraid to do it. He said that he picked a guy was an assistant for Sally on Kill Bill. He said he got to know him during that movie.
Howard asked if he was in love with Sally. Quentin said he loved her. He said that she was his biggest collaborator ever. Howard asked what she died from. Quentin said that's the tragedy. He said it was a very hot day in Los Angeles and she went hiking with a friend and a dog. He said she felt dizzy and the friend didn't walk her back. She ended up stumbling and died. The dog stayed with her. He said that dog was in the editing room every day. Howard asked if the dog is still with the family. Quentin said she is. Howard asked if he ever did ''the thing'' with Sally. Quentin said no.
Howard asked Quentin if he is a photographer. He said he's not. Howard asked if he will wait all day for the right lighting for a scene. Quentin said they will do that at times. Howard said in Kill Bill some of the shots were beautiful. Quentin said that you could take any frame from Kill Bill hand hang it on your wall. He said it was shot beautifully.
Robin said that Howard is one of those people who doesn't like going to the theater to see a movie. Howard said that he doesn't want the germs and lice on him. Robin laughed when he said lice. Robin said that Howard will watch his movies on an iPad. Howard said he loves doing that. He said he can't wait to watch The Dark Knight on his iPad Mini this weekend. Robin was cracking up at that. She said that kills her. Howard said he can't wait for Django to come out so he can watch it on his iPad.
Quentin said his editor Fred is a huge fan of Howard's. He said that he bought the lifetime subscription when Sirius came out. Quentin said Fred got him hooked up with the radio and told him when to listen. He said that Howard said something very funny when they did the Dumber than a Box of Rocks thing. He said when the porno girl was talking about what was written on her underwear. It said ''No holds barred'' and Howard said what's written on my underwear is ''I don't wipe so well.'' He said he and his assistant were cracking up over that for days. Howard asked if he uses man wipes. Quentin said that he has heard the commercials.
Howard said Quentin is delightful. Howard said that Quentin has said that he will make 10 films and then retire. Howard said Quentin doesn't want to be an old man making movies. Howard said this new one is number 7 so he has 3 more to make. Howard asked how committed to that he is. Quentin said we'll see. He said in 10 years from now he may want to stop. He said he doesn't want to be a director whose best work is behind him. He wants it to be ahead of him. Howard said he feels the same way. He said he has 3 more years on this contract and it might be time to leave then.
Howard and Quentin talked about some directors and one of them was Avanti. Quentin said he made some really great movies but he also made some really shitty movies.
Howard gave Quentin some plugs for his new movie ''Django Unchained.'' They mentioned some of the names of the people who are in the movie. They also talked about John Travolta and how Quentin revived his career. Quentin said that people were ready for him to come back.
Howard said it's always great seeing Quentin and he wishes him lots of children at 60. Quentin said that people come up to him on the street and tell him they love him on Howard. He said he won't even be on the show for years and people still come up and say that. Quentin said that his editor tells him that the Stern fans appreciate anyone who come on the show so that's why they do that. Robin asked him to tell other people that. Quentin said that Uma Thurman told him that she had a great time on the show. Howard said he loves David Letterman and he had Led Zeppelin on the show but it was a nothing interview. Howard said he wants to get people like that on his show so he can do a real interview.
Howard said he does things for his audience. Howard said he and Quentin both do it for their audience. He said they're both great. He gave him some more plugs for the new movie and for his ''Tarantino XX 8-Film Collection'' DVD and wrapped up a short time later.
Simon Cowell From ''American Idol'' Comes In. 6/18/02. 6:45am
The host of the new TV show ''American Idol The Search for a Superstar'' came in to judge a bunch of the guys on the show this morning. Howard told Simon that he thought he was gay when he heard him on the show. Simon says that he's not gay and has never had gay sex. He admits he sounds gay on TV but he bangs tons of hot chicks. Gary came in and showed Howard a picture of one of Simon's ex-girlfriends Georgina Law. Howard was impressed.
Howard moved on to talk to Simon about the show and how it's become a hit here in the states. It originated in England. Howard said he's seen a couple of the episodes and actually watched them a couple of times.
Howard pointed out to Simon that talent can be fine tuned but on the show they just tell people they suck and send them on their way. Howard said if Bob Dylan went on the show they'd tell him he sucks and send him off.
Simon said that they have great song writers working for them and the person who they pick will have a good chance of becoming a star. Nothing is guaranteed though.
Simon claims that one of the contestants in England offered to have sex with him but he had to turn her down. He said that there the tabloids would have gotten hold of that story and made a big thing about it.
Howard had a bunch of people who called in recently to get on the show to be judged. First up was Deirdra who performed a comedy song called ''Slimy Heiney.'' The song was horrible and not funny so they kicked her right out.
Next up was Stuttering John who has already released two albums that ''flopped'' according to Howard. John performed ''Mary Ann'' which was an original song he wrote. Simon gave him a 2 on a scale of 10 for what he heard. John just said ''Screw him, what does he know?''
Tia, another listener, came in and got some ''Oh!'' comments when the guys saw her huge breasts. Tia sang acappella. Simon gave her voice a 5 and her bongos a 9. Some of the people thought she was better than a 5 but Simon asked them if they'd sign her to their own record label if they had one. No one said they would. Plus, she was 36 years old so she's not the right age to start being a star. Howard told Tia that she could work at Scores and she said she could do that. She ended up showing Howard her breasts. He told her he'd introduce her to Lonnie from Scores.
Fred Norris from the show was next up. He performed a Who song. Simon said he's what they call a ''pub singer'' over in England. He said he has a disturbing face so he could sing in silhouette no problem. Howard asked Simon to give him a rating but someone must have cursed because the delay was hit. He got a lower score than Stuttering John. Fred sounded pissed because he was goofing on Simon saying he has a small penis.
Next up was James who came in off the street. He performed a song and put on a strange voice. Simon said that it was ''bad'' and he was out of tune. He's a 31 year old DJ so Howard told him to stick to that.
Last up were John and Eric who also came in off the street. They said that they made their own CD and they're hoping to be rich just like Howard. The guys asked for a little echo but Artie told them they only want to hear them once. They performed a quick song and the guitar sounded okay but the singer was pretty bad. Simon said it was ''dreadful.'' Of course the singer said he had a cold so that's why he sounded so bad.
Howard took a few phone calls including one from Mariann from Brooklyn who screeched out her ''All I Need is Howard in my Life'' song for Simon. Howard had to hang up on her though. Artie goofed on her for a few seconds before Howard cut him off.
KC came in and performed a quick song before Simon left. He can't sing but his lyrics were pretty funny. All he got out was ''I don't know what to say.... but I think the judge is gay.'' Howard then wrapped up the interview. ''American Idol'' is on Tuesday's at 9pm and Wednesdays at 9:30pm on FOX.
Sal Late, Howard Tells Him He's Retiring. 12/09/10. 8:05am
After the break Howard came back and said he had to get this big announcement over with. He was still doing this to goof on Sal. Howard told Gary to come in with Richard and Sal and some of the other guys. He wanted them to pretend to be upset when he announced he was going to leave. Howard said that this was going to be weird. He got everyone to come in. He thought he had enough people in there. Robin said Sal looked different without make up on.
Howard asked a couple of the guys what they thought was going to happen. They were pretending they didn't know the news. Howard said this was very difficult to say. Sal said ''Uh oh...'' Howard said that he and Mel had been talking to Mel about this whole thing and he was thinking about retiring. Howard said that he had a lot to think about. Sal sipped a drink in the middle of that so Howard had to ask him not to do that while he's making this big announcement.
Howard asked Sal how his marriage is going but caught himself and didn't get into that. Howard asked Sal if he has a contingency plan. Sal doesn't even know what that means. He thought it meant a ''continuation.'' Sal said he doesn't have shit planned. He said that he'll just go out and do something else. He said he's willing to work for anyone but Leno or Imus.
Howard told the guys he had a contract in his hands and he almost signed it. He said that Robin has been working hard on her charity and he thought about his own life. He said he dreamt that he would be a professor or something some day. Howard said he was going to go on with the radio show or do something else. He said that the company didn't want to change anything and he backed out of the deal. He said that he's going to say that he's going off into the sunset. Sal said ''Holy fuck...'' Gary asked if it was their last show next week. Howard said it is.
Howard said he doesn't know what to tell them but he's sorry. Robin asked what he's going to do. Howard said he's going to sit home for a while. He's going to do some limited TV stuff and learn to play chess. Howard said he'll be down at the Marshall chess club just about every day. Sal broke down crying. Sal said that Howard has made his dreams come true but it's bitter sweet. He doesn't know what to do. He said that this has nothing to do with Howard. He said he's grateful for what he's done for them.
Howard said this is the part he can't take. He said he loves Sal. Sal was in tears and said he knows he has to move on. Howard said he has to make a vow to everyone. He said that he hopes everyone will be okay but someone like Sal is so loyal. He said he would do anything for him and he should have stayed. He said he feels fucking awful. Sal said that it's his fault for not planning financially.
Howard asked why he didn't plan. Sal said that he just didn't and he's sorry. He said Howard has done more than enough for him and he can't thank him enough for that. Sal said that this is about him.
Howard said he just can't do it anymore. Howard said he was going to sign for all of them but it's the end of the show. Sal was sobbing.
Howard said he's crazed over this. Robin asked what happened to all of the other deals. Howard said he turned them all down. Sal said this was a dream come true working for the show. He said it was a one in a billion chance. He said that he gave him everything he could. Sal said it's really bitter sweet. Howard asked if he thinks they'll see each other again. Sal said he knows he won't.
Howard said he's going to make the next week together spectacular. He said he hopes it's all good for everyone. Sal was crying like crazy saying that he has his boys and he doesn't know what the fuck he's going to do. Howard said he's so sorry. Sal was barely able to speak from the crying.
Howard asked Sal if he was late today. Howard said that when you show up late you get goofed on. He told him that he's signed on for 5 more years. Sal said he couldn't believe this. He cheered right up and started laughing. Robin was crying and had him believing it was true. Robin said she was crying because Sal was crying. Sal started laughing his ass off telling Howard he should retire now.
George was crying too. Howard asked why he was crying. George said he knew the story but he felt his anguish. Howard said that Sal overslept because he was out drinking with Richard last night. Howard said he had to goof on him.
Tim said the best part was that he was upset about his 3 sons and never mentioned his wife Christine. Sal said ''Christine who?'' Howard told Sal to come up with a plan in the next 5 years. Sal said he will.
Sal overslept through two alarms. Sal said he was drunk last night so he didn't know his phone was on vibrate. Gary said that he almost cried because of Sal. JD said he was trying not to laugh. Richard said Ronnie was dying laughing. Howard said he saw the smile on Ronnie's face.
Howard said Benjy was going to run out of the room screaming but he's glad that he held off on that. He said it worked out just right.
Gary said it was like Howard bringing Sal into the future and Sal saw what it's going to be like then. George said he could feel his pain when he was crying and saw how much he loves his sons. He said deep down in his heart he knew Howard would make this decision. Howard said it looked like a punch in the stomach to Sal. Howard said he's glad he did that to him. He said he showed up late after going out and getting drunk. Sal said there was no celebration or anything. He said he stayed at a hotel last night and the phone never went off. Howard said he probably just slept through it.
Howard said that they're together forever. He said it'll be another 5 years. Robin said she has to hear this back.
Howard said he almost started crying when he thought about how he's doing another 5 years. Howard said he's there with Sal for another 5. Sal thanked him. The Howard TV guys put a shot of him crying up on the screen. Richard was consoling him in the video. Howard had them play it back so they could watch again.
Howard listened in to the audio where he told Sal he was goofing on him. They watched the video again and then moved on. Howard said Sal was crying again. Richard said he was just hung over. Howard asked if he was okay. Sal said he's alright. Howard said punking Sal was better than the real announcement. Sal told Howard he was a cock sucker.
''It's Just Wrong'' Father/Daughter Edition. 10/18/02. 8:00am
''It's Just Wrong''... They've played the game before but never with father/daughter teams. In the game the Father has to answer questions. If he gets one wrong he has to remove an article of his daughter's clothing. The daughter's get 3 articles of clothing to remove. Once a daughter is completely naked, they're out of the game. The winning team in the game gets a grand prize of $10,000 courtesy of RisqueVideo.com.
Howard introduced the couples when he started the segment. First up were Tony and Billy Sue. Billy Sue is only 19 years old. She told Howard her father approached her about playing the game. Tony told Howard he sees his daughter naked all the time because they go to the beach and skinny dip with a bunch of other people. Tony said he knows that it's just wrong to do what he's going to be doing. Tony said that Billy Sue didn't have a problem playing the game at all. Billy Sue said that her mother was out in the green room and she doesn't have a problem with it either.
Howard then introduced couple number two, Dwayne and Andrea. Andrea is 22 years old. She told Howard she doesn't have a boyfriend right now. Andrea said she heard the show and her father also heard it. She was kind of disgusted by the idea when she heard it on the radio but when her father told her the prize was $10,000 she said ''let's do it!'' Dwayne said he's seen his daughter nude recently and she keeps her private parts pretty well trimmed. Andrea said she told her mother about this and she's not too thrilled. Her parents are divorced so she was the one to tell her mother about it.
Finally they had Donald and Valerie. Valerie told Howard that she's just doing this for the money. Her father said this doesn't bother him a bit because he saw her naked as a baby. Valerie said her father has some vision problems but he denied that. He said he wasn't sure why she was saying that. Valerie, who's only 23, has 3 kids so she can use the money. Gary told Howard about that and wondered if they're all from the same father. She said her first two are with one guy and the latest one is with her fiance. She said she asked her mother to watch her kids so she knows what she's up to today.
Howard got right into the game and asked the questions. Here's how it went:
A listener called in and asked if Howard was going to do anything else with the father/daughter teams. Howard and Gary said they weren't sure they wanted to see that. When Gary asked the losing fathers if they'd be willing to spank their daughters for $3,000 they said yes.
Today's ''It's Just Wrong'' is scheduled to air on E! next Thursday and Friday, October 24-25.
Gary made one last offer of $1000 for two of the daughters to kiss each other. Two of them went for it and Dwayne said it looked good. Billy Sue and Valerie were the two that kissed. Howard wrapped up ''It's Just Wrong'' after the girls did their thing.
Howard 100 News, Wrap Up Show And Intern Show Previews. 05/05/10. 9:05am
Steve Brandano came in with his Intern Show preview. He said they have Medicated Pete calling in tonight. They're also near the end of the semester so some of the interns may open up more now. They're on tonight at 7 on Howard 101.
Howard heard that Steve didn't go to the Iron Man screening last night because he wants to go to see it with ''real'' fans. Howard said he blew it and he's a real Iron Man fan. Steve said Howard wasn't the only one that was there. Steve said Tim Sabean was worried about how he was going to get his Blackberry into the theater.
Howard asked Steve if he knew what the name of Stark's father was in the comic. Steve didn't know so Howard told him to get out of there. Steve said he doesn't want to piss Howard off in the theater so that was another reason he didn't go. He said they didn't get some references in the first movie and he didn't want to go through that again.
Howard said that he's as big a fan as Steve is. Steve said he would go to see it with Howard. He said it's other people he doesn't want to see it with. Steve said he wants to see people cheering and stuff at the theater. He was arguing with Robin about it and said that she doesn't even read comics. Robin said she likes super hero movies and there's nothing wrong with that.
Steve said he's going to see the movie at midnight on Thursday night. Robin said she went to see Batman at midnight. Steve said that's fine but she's not as big of a fan of comic books as he is. Howard asked Steve about some comic book characters and tried to trip him up as a comic book fan. Steve said he's not challenging Howard, he's challenging his staff as being fans.
Ralph called in and told Steve he's nuts because he missed out on seeing it in Imax and they were the first people to see it in Imax. Steve said he doesn't care about that. Ralph said they were cheering during the movie too.
Cyrus from Philly called in and asked Howard how big of a fan he really is. Howard told him that he's such a fan he bought Stan Lee and he has him on display in his apartment. Howard said he actually spoke to Stan recently and he says ''Excelsior'' every time before he hangs up. Howard said he doesn't know that much about comics these days but he did when he was a kid. He said he had to take another break after that.
James Brown Comes In. 6/19/98. 9:05am
Singer James Brown came in to promote his new album ''Back Again'' which will be out in August. Mr. Brown is sometimes unintelligible while speaking so it's very hard to follow what the hell he's talking about. Mr. Brown brought in two lovely white women. One of the women sang a song but it didn't sound that great to me. James thinks she's really good though so maybe I'm deaf. James was in a good mood this morning so Howard asked him to perform ''Papa's Got A Brand New Bag'' with The Losers. The Losers consists of Howard on keyboards and Scott The Engineer on drums. Gary was playing trumpet again. I think that Jackie may have played guitar and Fred on bass? I'm not sure about that though. So anyway James said that he'd love to sing along with them. Well the music sound okay except for Gary's trumpet. It sounded like someone beating a seal to death. James sounded good and that may have made the band sound better than they actually were. After the song Howard took a break. When they came back James told Howard about using the boner drug Viagra. He said he doesn't have a problem getting it up but wanted to give it a try anyway. He said that he was able to perform for 4 or 5 hours. After completing his duty he'd rest for a half hour or so and he'd be ready to go again. He doesn't recommend people using it too much though. You can hurt yourself doing it too much. James is appearing at The Paramount in New York City this Saturday.
SNL On Stern: Conan O'Brien. 12/22/11. 10:50am
Next up we heard an SNL clip featuring Conan O'Brien. Then we heard Lorne Michaels talking about Conan writing for them and how he got the job doing the late night show. Lorne said he talked to Conan right away and it evolved into his being the center of the show and being on the air. Lorne said that the pounding he got was relentless. He said he told him the more he was on the more he was on. Lorne said he always liked Conan.
They played a show clip where Howard interviewed Conan on November 16, 1994. This is also when the Jackie Puppet attacked. Here's what I wrote about that show in a replay a few years ago:
They played a show clip where Conan O'Brien was on the show and the puppet was giving him a hard time. Howard said he was reading that Conan was going to be losing his show soon. Conan didn't know that and said that his ratings had been going up. Jackie Puppet started in on Conan goofing on him within a minute of him coming in. Howard told the puppet that he was a loser and didn't have a show and he as making fun of Conan. Conan said he thinks the puppet will have a show soon. The puppet told him some jokes and then told Conan that's f'n funny stuff. The puppet was trying to get a job on Conan's show. Howard went on with the interview and the puppet would come in with jokes every few minutes. Jackie Puppet was drinking beer and getting more and more vicious with Conan. Conan asked Howard if he would ever come on his show. Howard quickly said no but the Jackie Puppet said he would come on. Howard let Conan go after that.
Jonah Falcon Shows His Penis To George Takei. 08/20/08. 7:20am
After the break Howard was listening to a clip of Omarosa and Wendy Williams arguing. He said that he loves when black women fight with each other. Howard read that Chris Kattan has filed for divorce already and he just got married 8 weeks ago. Robin said that they were together for two years. Howard said he has to get him on the phone to find out what happened there. He said that scares the shit out of him.
Howard said he's about to get married and it's freaking him out. Artie said that maybe she broke the agreement to be his beard. He immediately said he was just kidding about that.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said that the Wack Pack Bowling is great. He said that you'd think that the Wack Packers all escaped from Creedmore and ran to the bowling alley. He said that there was some disturbing stuff going on in that second episode.
Howard gave Greg Fitzsimmons a plug for a show he's doing at the Trump Marina down in Atlantic City this weekend.
Howard moved on and brought in this guy Jonah Falcon who has a sports show, Talkin' Yankees, that they prank call all the time. He also has a 14 inch penis and he was coming in to show that to George. Howard said he knows that Jonah isn't a fan of theirs but he is a fan of George's.
Jonah was wearing a bathing suit so he could get his junk out for George. Jonah said that he's listed as being bi-sexual but he's never taken it from a guy before. He said that he just got laid this past weekend but he's know the girl for a long time. He said that the girls don't always go crazy for the big penis.
Jonah said that there are girls who see it and just say no to him. Howard asked Jonah to show George his penis. Jonah said that he's about 8.5 inches when he's soft. He wasn't going to show it to the guys because he was soft. He said that he can't just get hard on command. Howard asked Jonah if he was big when he was a kid. Jonah said he was 8 inches when he was 10 years old and some other boys measured him.
George caught a glimpse of his penis and Jonah said that he could touch it if he wanted. George said that Brad isn't listening to the show today because of this so he may be able to touch it. George went over to touch it a short time later.
The guys said it looked like George was milking a cow. He was tugging on his penis and the guys were wondering what the was doing over there. George sounded like he was having some fun over there. Howard said that this was some bachelor party. George said that it smelled like he had garlic for breakfast this morning and apparently kissed the guy or something. No one said what was going on at that point.
George told Jonah that he was going to be down in Atlanta at a Star Trek convention. It sounded like he was hitting on him. George said that he could have Jonah working out with him. The guys reminded him that he's about to get married.
Howard asked Jonah if that was exciting for him. Jonah said that he was more of a fan of the TNG (The Next Generation) and not so much a fan of the old shows.
George said that a little variety is great once in a while. Howard said this was an exciting bachelor party. Artie said it was the strangest one he had ever been to. He said that the groom usually does stuff that could ruin a wedding and George seems to be doing that. George said that Brad isn't listening so he should be okay.
Howard told Jonah that he didn't disappoint at all this morning. Jonah said that a lot of his friends are proud of him getting married out in California and he wanted to sing a song to him. He said this was for George and Brad. He started singing a few seconds later and had the guys laughing. Artie was laughing so hard he was crying. He wasn't even able to speak. He eventually said he didn't even know what to say to that.
Jonah finished his song and Artie continued to laugh his ass off at him. Jonah was going on and on with the song and wouldn't stop singing. Howard said he wishes that Artie's dad was there. Artie said ''No you don't...'' Jonah said that song was from a Muppet movie where Gonzo was singing in the middle of the desert.
George said that this is all part of the diversity of life and they're exposing the audience to that. Artie asked Jonah if he was more gay or hetero. Jonah said that he should remain sexually ambiguous for his career as an actor.
Howard thanked Jonah for coming in and said that he's a nice guy. He said he knows that he gets his balls busted on his TV show but he seems to be a nice guy.
Howard asked George if Jonah got hard when he was squeezing him. George said he didn't. Robin said that he must have to lay down to get hard because the size of that thing would take a lot of blood.
George said that he's taking Brad out to a nice restaurant tonight because he has a feeling that he may hear some of this today.
George said that he loves Garlic and it seems that Jonah may have had some for breakfast this morning. Robin asked Artie if this was the worst day for him today as a Stern Fan. Artie said that he thinks that Imus has more listeners this morning than Howard does.
Artie said that he can't believe that guy hosts a Yankee's sports show. Howard asked Richard for the best call they made to this Jonah Falcon call in show. Gary told him which one to play. It was one where Richard and Sal called in and asked Jonah about the weather over and over again. Artie was laughing his ass off again after a few minutes of those calls. Jonah was taking call after call and they were all Sal and Richard busting his balls. Artie asked what the fuck is with that kid.
Prettiest Penis Contest. 08/20/08. 7:45am
Howard said he learned yesterday that he's not gay. He said that he went to get a physical and the doctor had to stick his finger up his ass. He had to lay on his side and the doctor put some K-Y on his finger and stuck it in there and twisted it around. Howard said that he nearly went through the roof. He said it hurt and he just hates it. Howard said that he took a big dump before he went there and he thinks that there was still some brown on his gloved finger.
Howard said that he was told he had the blood pressure of a teenager. He didn't know what it was though. Ralph called in after that and said he just woke up and heard them asking a guy who whip his cock out. Howard said they were throwing George a bachelor party today.
Howard said that it was time for the Prettiest Penis contest. The guys who were in the contest came walking in a few seconds later. Robin was shocked at whatever it was she was seeing. Howard asked the first contestant how old he was. He's 78. Howard said that he was totally nude too. Howard asked the guy if he is gay or straight. He said he was straight but it sounded like he was hesitating on the answer.
The 78 year old was posing and trying to give his penis a background so George could see it. The guy asked Howard how his dog Java is doing. He was holding a stuffed dog in his hand that barked. Howard said this guy's name is George Lyker. He tried to ask him some questions but the guy was going on about some letter he had sent to Artie about playing mind games with this outpatient program he's in.
Howard asked the guys to judge George L's penis. George said it was lacking in circumference but it was a fine penis. Howard had the second guy go up and his name was Maurey. He had a strange voice that was kind of like Scott Ferrall. He was putting that on and got back into his real voice a second later. Howard said that this contest was sponsored by ManGroomer.com.
Howard asked Maurey to show his penis. He chubbed it up a little bit but it was kind of a nub when he took it out. George kept that in his mind and Howard brought up Mike to show his penis. The guy was a muscular guy and said he was straight. He said that he's always worked out and just maintains that with push ups and pull ups. He said his wife tells him he has a pretty penis. He showed his penis to the guys and Artie said he was busy texting people so he didn't see any of this.
Howard said that the next guy, Gogo Boy, was sucking his thumb. He said that he's Tri-sexual and he will try anything. He was wearing a t-shirt for his friend's band ''Toilet Boys.'' Howard spent a minute talking to him and then had him pull down his pants. He showed off his penis and George said it could use some exercise.
Next up was Mike who was missing a few teeth. He said he's a skate boarder so that's why he's missing some teeth. He said that he's one of the original Jackasses too so he does a lot of crazy stunts. George wanted him to take off all of his clothes so he could see what was going on there. He did that and then showed his penis. He was shaved down and George liked that. He liked his tattoos and his ''buns.'' Mike said that anyone that wanted to be tattooed could get it done by his guy who was there with him.
Howard moved on to Ron who claimed that his penis looked like a renaissance painting. He said that his wife tells him that it's very pretty. He showed his penis and he had a foreskin restoration tugger attached to it. He said he was circumcised at birth and he's trying to grow some new skin there. He said it actually worked and showed the guys what he's got down there. He said it took about 4 years for him to grow the 4 inches of skin he has there now. He claims that sex is even better now that he has it.
Howard said it was time to judge. George L said that he didn't think that he was going to win. He asked Howard about what his IQ was. Howard said he thinks that he might be close to being retarded. George L said that he had a theory about Howard and Beth that he wanted to present to him. He wanted to do it on the air or during the break. Howard told him to do it now because it won't happen during the break. George L said that he thinks his marriage will last 2 years and then he'll be back in a situation like he's in now and he'll divorce and then live with Beth again. Howard said he wanted to take him and throw him out of there.
George L was complaining that Howard didn't get all of the letters and stuff that he had sent to him. Howard cut him off and said he was high jacking the show. He said that wasn't fair to the rest of the contestants.
The guys all whipped out their penises, except for Maurey, and then George said that they were all beautiful. He said he was going to go with he total physical look and picked this guy Michael Christian as the winner. Howard sang a song to him about his beautiful penis. George sang to him as well.
One of the guys wanted to give George a lap dance but Howard told him ''not today.'' He wrapped up and let the guys go a short time later. The foreskin guy offered George a Foreskin cone for Brad. George said that he'd take it. Howard said that this really is a gay bachelor party. George said that this is a great day for him. Robin said that he didn't even want it earlier in the week. George said that's because Brad was listening.
The End Of The Gay Bachelor Party? 08/20/08. 8:00am
Howard said that this was too much for him and they had done enough of this gay stuff for one day. He asked Robin to show them her tits. She wasn't going to do that. Artie asked for any hot chicks in the area to come down there as soon as possible.
George was singing the ''Release Robin's Bra'' song parody so Fred played that so he could sing along to it. Howard cut that off and talked to Artie about what was going on there. Fred said that he thought the penis restoration thing was kind of weird. He said that it looked very odd to him.
Gary said that Will just came out and said that he was done with cocks after today. Gary said that Richard is upset that he can't put anything in his ass. Howard said that he's not going to do that. He said they only lasted until 8 o'clock with the gay bachelor party. He said they tried to do the best they could.
Howard said that they will let the guy from the Village People sing the song to George. He's not sure what else they're going to do though. He said that Sal and Richard wanted to play naked Twister.
Today's Howard Stern's Staff Picks was over around 10:45am.