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Howard started the show talking about how he didn't want to rag on Gary first thing but his vice sounded scratchy. He said that he says he's fine and told him not to worry. Howard said he's not sure what he means by that. Robin said your throat is either sore or you're fine. She said they can't be in the same sentence. Howard said he was talking to Gary about Sal on the Wrap Up Show and trying to make fun of what he says on the show. He said that Gary then says something dopey like that. Howard said he has to clear his throat a lot and he does that while Jon Hein is talking to him. He said he's distracted by that because he's doing that. Howard said he's constantly amazed by Gary.
Howard said Gary can't raise his voice because of the sore throat. He said that he opens his mouth and he asks what's wrong with him. Robin asked if he really thought he was going to get away with it. Howard said Gary really annoys him. He said he's done that since day one. He said he doesn't know why but he found him annoying. Fred said he thinks he's a hard worker. He said Howard has no idea what they were being offered back then. Howard said he thinks Fred fucked up. Fred said he'll take responsibility for that.
Gary asked if he could be more insulting. Howard said he can't hear him and asked him to speak up. Gary was speaking in a monotone. Gary asked what he'd be saying if he didn't come in today. Howard said if he was really sick he'd be okay with that. Gary said that he'd mock the shit out of him if he didn't come in. Howard asked what he's talking about. Robin said he's talking about those times when someone called in sick and made that sick voice. Howard said he can't pay attention to Gary when he talks. Gary said he'll go home, just say the word.
Robin asked Gary when this happened. Gary said it was Saturday night when he felt something. He said he went out to a restaurant and it was a little loud. He said that yesterday he stayed in all day and tried to fix it. Howard said he loves to talk so much that he'll keep going. He won't stop talking. Howard said Gary loves to talk. Robin said he really is a talker. Howard said he loves it.
Robin said they say most men have 2000 words less than women. She said she'd bet that Gary has more. Howard said he won't even let his wife talk sometimes. He said he'll take over a conversation because he loves to talk.
Howard said that's Gary. He told him to feel better. Robin said she doesn't get why he doesn't understand that Howard doesn't want to be around people with sore throats. Gary said he does get it but he was afraid not to come in today. Howard said if he doesn't have a voice he can't do a show. Howard said they've talked about that year after year. He said on porn sets they have to wear goggles and masks. He said Gary should have to wear a mask. He said they do that in China to keep the outbreak from getting bad.
The callers said he's only been listening to he show for 5 years and he knows that there are people who are better fans than him so he will... and then his phone cut in and out. Robin said she knows what he was saying. She said that he's saying that he shouldn't get tickets to the birthday show and other fans should. Howard said he knows that other fans have better phones than he does.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if he heard Sarah Silverman on Jimmy Kimmel the other night. Howard said he actually watched that. He said it was funny. Howard said Sarah came out and she was funny. He said it was awkward and sweet. He said she brought out a big box of his stuff that he left at her house. He said that he spoke to Jimmy for about an hour yesterday. Howard said Jimmy wanted to talk to him about his AGT decision. He said he had already made his decision. Howard said his agent is going to call the NBC people and talk about that toady and then he'll say something later on. He said it would be weird to do it without them knowing what his decision is. Howard said Jimmy was on the same page as him pretty much.
Howard said he also spoke to Walt Sabo about some stuff. He said he gave him some advice too but he had already made his decision. Howard said he's already figured that part of his life out. He said he's not sure if he's made the right decision. Robin said there is no right decision. Howard said he's learned that you have to give something up to get something good. He said either way you're letting something go.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thought Mike Tyson was great and he hopes that he's on more than Joe Frazier was on. Howard said he has more questions for Mike so he hopes he comes on again soon.
The caller asked if he saw his special on Saturday night. Howard said he saw some pieces of it. He said that he wondered what he was doing in his show. He said he seems to have command of the audience and he knows what he's doing. Robin said he's really good at it. The caller said that it was very good and entertaining but then he balled like crazy when he talked about the death of his daughter. Howard said he didn't see that part.
The caller said he thinks that Robin should do a Fleshlight thing for charity. Howard said that's never going to happen. Howard hung up on him. Robin said she saw Jenna Jameson on some show talking about how she was just jet lagged when she was on those shows looking like she was out of it. She's also claiming that being on a web cam isn't porn. Howard said he's not sure what that is when you get naked and have guys jerking off to you. Robin said she still says she won't return to porn. Howard said maybe that's not as hard core porn as she used to do. Robin said this is nothing compared to what she used to do.
Howard said he stayed up and watched The Walking Dead last night. He said it was such a great episode. Robin said it's been really good this season. Howard said it's been great every season. Robin didn't agree.
Howard said he got a copy of a movie that Chuck Zito is in. Howard said the movie is Homefront. He said that it's Jason Statham and a few others. He said that the movie is great. He said Sylvester Stallone wrote it and he really knows how to do those things. He said he loves that stuff. Robin said he should stop acting in movies and just write them. Robin said the last one he was in was so dark it was almost like radio. Howard said he loves them all.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Gary still has the fungus going on and if he's still a smoker. Howard said he thinks that he quit smoking. He said once in a while he may have one. Howard said Gary loves that smoking so much. He said he's not sure why people can't just quit knowing how bad those things are. Howard said he thinks of babies with their bottle when he sees people smoking. Howard said he used to smoke so he knows what that was like. He said that if that stuff doesn't kill you it will affect the quality of your life.
Robin said she saw some people hanging outside smoking and she wondered why they get a break from work to do that.
The caller said that he's been a caller since the NBC days and he would like some tickets to the birthday show. Howard said he's not ready to give them away yet. Howard said that they'll get to that eventually.
Howard took a call from Wheels who said that Alec Baldwin keeps getting harassed by the Paparazzi and he thinks he should move. Howard said he likes Alec. He said that in terms of problems in life it's like a mosquito. Howard said they're not the end of your world. He said that Alec is in a holy war with these guys and it's not what his life should be about. Howard said he's a great actor and he's an amazingly talented actor and comedic actor. Howard said that this mosquito bite has turned into world war III. Howard said that he's gotten angry himself but Alec has to run to a good psychiatrist. He said he has to get to the bottom of his anger. He said he has to be angry at some other things.
Robin said that Howard is acting like the Paparazzi aren't doing anything. Howard said they are very annoying and it's tough to deal with. He said there are times when you want your private life. Robin said they are targeting him. Howard said they do that because he's reactionary. Howard said he saw one of the Paparazzi challenging him to a boxing match. Howard said he's getting a lot of negative attention. Howard said David Letterman never has anyone following him around. Howard said he's had the Paparazzi around him and what he does is say that it's going to be annoying but he'll say hello and get in his car. He said he has to accept it.
Howard said a guy was outside of a restaurant bugging him. He said after he ate he said hello and answered a question or two. He said you have to learn to cope with it and not let them get the better of you.
Robin said that Howard is on an even keel. She said that if you're going through some bad times then what do you do? Howard said you have to let it happen and control how annoyed you are. He said that you have to learn to live with it and manage it. Howard said it's like the Incredible Hulk. He said Dr. David Banner learned to control his anger.
Howard said the other thing is to make yourself not so available. Howard said he has to come up with a plan. He said maybe he should take a car instead of a cab. Howard said maybe he can find another place to stay or maybe have a bodyguard. He said he has to have a game plan to keep himself comfortable. Howard said he loves Alec and he doesn't want something bad to happen to him. He said he hopes he doesn't do something that he regrets. Robin asked if Howard gets that he just wants to live his life and doesn't want to plan. Howard said that is the case but Paul McCartney spoke about this. He said that you wake up and you want the world to be a certain way. He said that you are not in control of turning your celebrity on and off. He said it's just there. Howard said how you manage that is your decision. Howard said Paul McCartney knows how to deal with it. Howard said he gets caught out but he never has an outburst. Howard said you have to learn to deal.
Robin said Alec lost his MSNBC show for two days. Howard said he called someone a ''cock sucking faggot'' and got suspended. Howard said he claims he said ''fat head'' and not faggot. Howard said Benjy was insulted by that. Howard said that he's spent some time with Alec and his wife and it saddens him because he knows of the anger. He said that Alec can be reasonable. He said that this is turning into such a circus. He said he may be enjoying it on some level. He said it's going to lead to something bad. He said he's seen Alec yelling at reporters and it's a lot to go through. He said it can be solved. He said he has to have a system in place and a structure. Robin said when he was on the plane and refused to put down his Words with Friends that had nothing to do with the Paparazzi. Howard said that's why he has to go to a psychiatrist. Howard said he must have had everything when he was a child. He said that stuff can be looked into and managed. He said it's not easy but it is possible. Howard said that it's worth doing. Howard said Alec is too talented to have his legacy being fighting with the Paparazzi every day.
wheels said he thinks that Alec wants to hit someone. Howard said he has a lot of anger to deal with. He said that it's not that he's wrong. He said he should have his privacy but he doesn't. Howard said it's like Robin waking up and having cancer. Robin didn't deserve it but those were the cards she was dealt. Howard said that Alec has to deal with this stuff. Howard said this is life. Wheels said that Alec's wife should blow him before he goes out and this wouldn't happen. Howard said this guy is so talented and such a great actor. Howard said he's not sure why he'd want this to be his legacy. Howard said something is wrong and he has to get it under control.
Robin asked if he's spoken to Alec off the air. Howard said he has. He said it's not something easy to deal with. Howard said he has disdain for the Paparazzi and he gets so upset about how ugly he is. He said if he was good looking he'd be standing there all day with those guys. Howard said there are enough bad pictures of him and he doesn't care anymore. He said that most of the Paparazzi are shorter than him and they shoot him from underneath. He said that makes him look worse. He said if they stood on ladders he'd be fine. Howard said he stays calm and lets them photograph him. He said he gets angry but he deals with it.
Howard said he somehow manages it. Howard said it took years to learn how to do that. He said that's it. Robin said Alec isn't going to get control of it immediately. Howard said he has to get a bodyguard or come up with a way to get out of the building in a different way. Howard said maybe he needs a place with an underground garage. Howard said he needs a plan.
Wheels said that he has to give a shout out to Jimmy for being so cool with having Sarah on his show. Howard said that she'll be on this show on Wednesday. Howard said he'll let Wheels call in and talk to her then. Wheels said he thinks that Jimmy wanted her on his show. Wheels said he'd let Robin catheter him to get tickets to the birthday show. Howard said he's had enough of that.
Howard said that they say that the term cock sucker can be anti-gay. Robin said women can be cock suckers too though. Howard said that Alec said he had to look into that because he's running out of words. Howard said that you can't say cock sucker and some of these other words. He said they're running out of words. Howard said eventually the word ''word'' won't be allowed. Howard said some of his black friends are upset about the F-word being banned before the N-word.
Howard said he found a song on the internet called ''My Nigga''. He played some of the song and mentioned who it was performed by. Howard and Robin went through the song and tried to figure out if he was singing about his friends or what. Robin said it's such a bad song.
Howard said they say that Adam Levine is being named the sexiest man alive. Howard said like it wasn't enough that he was getting laid so much. Robin said that he claims that he had bad acne at some point in his life that he was ashamed to show his face. Howard said he's ashamed to show his face now that he's older. Howard said he never had acne like that.
King of All Blacks called in and said that Alec Baldwin's wife is a problem too. He said that she claimed that she was almost hit in the face with a microphone and they had it on tape. He said it showed that they never tried to hit her in the mouth. Howard said when craziness is going on everyone gets crazy. He said it's a bad situation and he doesn't want anything bad to happen. He said that's all he's saying.
King asked Howard what his thoughts on Lady Gaga's album flopping. Howard said it just came out on Friday. King said they say that the company lost $25 million. Howard said they're saying if it's a flop they may have to lay off workers. Howard said every album is a flop these days. Howard said he reads this guy Bob Lefsetz and he made a good point. Howard said Bob says that the typewriter companies didn't get upset when the computers came out. He said they created keyboards or computers. He said that they didn't say they were going to stop progress. He said the music business did. He said they loved the way they were doing business and they tried to stop progress instead of adapting. Howard said what it's going to take is for some genius to figure out how to use the internet like a radio station. Howard said that record companies figured out how to make money even when they were playing music for free on AM and FM radio.
Howard said he's thinking that maybe the idea of an album of music is over. He said maybe an artist should put out a song every month instead of a full album. Robin said Justin Bieber was doing that. He was putting out a song a week. Howard said that might be the way to do it.
Howard said he's into the whole album thing but he only buys single songs now. He said that's just the way things are now. Howard said they have to come up with a whole new way of doing business. Howard said the typewriter thing was a good example from Bob Lefsetz. He said that if you don't adapt then you'll die on the vine.
King said that there's one artist who sells a lot of CDs now matter what. He said that's Jay Z. Howard said that's true. Robin said he has a good reputation for selling good product. Howard said that Eminem sells a lot too. Howard said country music stars sell a lot of CDs too. Howard said the fans like that stuff.
Howard said he has to take a break. King said he likes when he says that. He said he sounds so professional. Howard said he has to take a break. He said he has commercials to play. Howard said Gary will come in and try to talk to him. He said JD and Jon Hein will come in too. He said they all come in and have a conversation. Howard said he hopes Gary puts a mask on so he doesn't get sick. King said Gary loves to talk. He was about to say goodbye but he had another question. Howard said he likes hearing him on a good phone. He's on an iPhone. King said he's getting an iPad Mini. He asked what color he should get. Howard told him he's a man so he should get black. Howard said the white ones look very feminine.
King said he's going to get some work done on his nose. Howard told him to leave it alone. King laughed. Howard said he's not sure why that's funny. He said it sounds like a fake laugh. Howard said that the guy is obsessing on his nose when it's the fat that he should be worried about. Howard did an impression of him laughing and goofed on him for a minute with Fred. They were making fun of the laugh like he was saying ''Tahiti'' when he did it. They went to break after that.
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Dave said that Jay sucks up to his guests and he sucks his off. Howard said that Jay did get the tonight show over Dave. Dave said he thinks that Jay should continue to follow in Johnny's footsteps and retire and then die. Howard asked how he feels about him retiring. Dave said that Jay's shtick is more tired than Benjy's. Howard said that's pretty tired.
Dave said that Jay's wife must be thrilled that Jay is retiring. He said that he feels really bad for Jay. He said he'd like to have him on his show to do a bit. He wants to throw him off the roof of the Ed Sullivan Building and watch that big head of his split open on the pavement.
Howard said Jay got the Tonight Show and he kind of won in that way. Dave asked Robin if her pussy is working now. He said he has a black man on his staff that he'd like her to breed with.
Howard said he loves the edgy material. Dave started doing an impression of George Takei saying ''Guacamole.'' He also said that he wants Richie Incognito to bully him with his texts of his cock.
Dave said he heard that Mike Tyson was on the show and he bets he can fuck so hard. He said he'd like to feel that. Howard said he has the feeling that he's bi-sexual at times.
Howard said that you can go to HowardStern.com to get tickets for the birthday show. Howard said they will be doing the show at Hammerstein Ballroom. Howard said that they will be giving some away on the show too.
Dave said he heard that Larry Caputo will be at the show. He said he's getting all of the big stars. Howard said they're hoping to get Tan Mom there too.
Dave went through some of his other lines and got through it until the end. He finally screwed up a joke when he didn't know how to say the word ''fellatio.'' He said it like ''Fella Cheeto''. Howard said that's the Dave they love. Howard said he was doing good until that. Howard said he will be on Dave's show on Wednesday night. He said that anyone who thought that was the real Dave, it was not. He said that was Evil Dave. Howard
Hanzi asked if he would talk to his parents about going to the birthday show. Robin said it would be a great time for them to move while he's not in the house. Hanzi said that if he does go he knows that his troll army will be there. Howard said he really has to go. Hanzi said that he does that when he makes a good point. Howard said he's such a good master debater. Hanzi said he knows he is.
Hanzi asked why he's being such an asshole to him. Howard said he's boring to the audience so he's going to let him go. Hanzi said that Howard blocked him from going on Artie's show. Howard said he had nothing to do with that. Hanzi said he heard it was Howard who blocked him. Howard said he controls the whole universe. Hanzi said he does control a good portion of the universe.
Howard tried to say goodbye again but Hanzi told him to hold on. Howard said that Hanzi has nothing going on all day long. Hanzi said that he will call into a wrestling show later on. Howard said he should go get ready for that. Hanzi said that he is making points and Howard isn't understanding it. Howard told him to make one point and he has to go. Hanzi said Howard is giving shit to Alec Baldwin. He said that he thinks that he's being targeted by a higher power. Robin asked what power that is. Hanzi said that Howard knows why Dave Chappelle went crazy. Howard asked why that was. Hanzi said it's because the powers were messing with him and trying to fuck him over. Howard kept trying to say goodbye but Hanzi kept him on. Howard eventually hung up on him. Howard said that kid is too much but he loves him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he ordered the North Shore calendar and he loves it. Howard said he has to thank everyone who bought one. He said they're trying to raise some money and he thinks you'll like the calendar. The caller said there should be more Beth in lingerie. Howard said he would love that but it's a family thing. The caller said he's been listening since he was 12 and he's 36 now. He said that he appreciates every day with him. Howard thanked him for that and let him go. Howard said he has a set of tickets to give away but he has to take a break first. They went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said that Kate Hudson is looking good these days. Howard spent a minute listening to the song and then took a call. The caller said that she was thinking about Howard re-signing for AGT and she thinks that if he was really done with it he wouldn't be going back and forth with it in his head. Howard said he would tell her his decision now but his agent is going to call NBC and let them know what he's doing. Howard said he'll talk about it tomorrow.
The caller said that there's a great show called Mob City that's going to be starting next month. Howard said that he can't watch anymore shows. He said he's got too many as it is. He said he's too busy. The caller said it takes place in 1947 in L.A. and it'll be like a 6 hour mini-series. She said it'll have John Bernthal from The Walking Dead in it. She said it'll be the dark side of L.A. in the 30s. She said it looks like it's going to be great. Howard said he really doesn't need more shows in his life. He said he has enough. Howard said he watched The Walking Dead last night and that kept him up way too late. He said that he starts watching the show 15 minutes late so he can get through the commercials. Howard said he's watching Boardwalk Empire and Homeland too.
Howard said he also watches Sons of Anarchy. He said he watches that until 9:15 and then starts The Walking Dead. He said all of these things are really good. Howard said Arrow is really good too.
Robin pointed out that Howard always has to say that the guy who plays Arrow is a good looking guy. Howard said he has to. He said that if everyone was good looking they'd all be much happier.
Howard said Fred was 15. Howard said that they asked people to vote on a scale of 10. Howard said Fred wasn't that popular. Howard said Fred was a 7.89 and Robin was a 7.83 rating. Howard said he's not sure why Fred is creating enemies there.
Howard said that the person who is second to last was Benjy Bronk. Gary said Fred was doing well but one person gave him a 2 rating. He said that knocked him down. Benjy said he gave Fred a 10. Howard said he's shocked. He said he thought Benjy didn't like Fred. Benjy said that he thought it was the spiritually right thing to do. Howard asked if that person will come forward. Gary said he'll ask but he doesn't know. Howard said he also got a 4 though. Robin said she must have had a lot of low scores.
Gary asked Benjy what he gave him. Benjy said he gave him a 10. He gave Robin a 10 and everyone else a 10 too. Fred said he was going to do that too but he said you can't do that.
Howard said Benjy can take being second to last. Robin asked if he's going to say who is last. Howard said he doesn't think so. Howard said that Jon Hein is the most popular person there. Jon said he also compiled the results. He said he got the numbers. He said that they were all turned into him. Howard said Jon had a 9.17 vote. Jon said Robin didn't have a lot of low scores. He said there were a few people who had low scores. He said Ralph was in there with the low numbers. He got a 3 and a 2 and a 4 from someone.
Howard said Lisa G was last. Howard said he was surprised by that. Howard said they'll see if she has a good sense of humor about it. Jon said she had a couple of 10s but she also had a 1 a 2 and a 3. Howard said Richard Christy was number 2 on the list. Number 3 was JD Harmeyer. Howard said JD beat him out. Then it was Jim McClure and then Ronnie at number 6.
Lisa came in and said that she didn't even get to vote. She said she was too busy to vote. Howard said a lot of them got to vote for themselves. Gary said the guys say that Lisa just put the piece of paper back on Jon's desk when he handed it to her. Lisa said she was just busy that day because Lady Gaga was there.
Howard said he gave Lisa a 10. Howard said she's popular with him. Howard said he's surprised that Ronnie got number 6. Jon said he had a bunch of 10 ratings. He said someone gave him a 5. Robin asked how many 10s Jon got. Jon said he got 9. Howard said Jon is just a lovable guy. Howard said Ronnie is so contentious. Ronnie said he's very friendly to everyone. He said he makes up with everyone he fights with.
Ronnie asked Lisa why she didn't vote. He said that she got the paper days before. Lady Gaga was there. Howard asked when she got it. Jon said she got it when everyone else got it. Lisa said she's just been really busy. Gary said a lot of the guys in the office are saying that she gets low marks because they don't feel she's being genuine. He said she just didn't want to be a part of the whole thing. Lisa said that she's okay being on the bottom of the list. Howard said it would bother him.
Jon said that someone did come to him and says that they didn't want to be part of it. He said they didn't vote and he was fine with that. He said that they were in the list though.
Howard said he loves this staff. He said he felt weird because he was giving everyone a 10. He said he did that and told Jon not to use him. He said he can't look at the list and think that he doesn't like someone. Robin said she felt that way too but she did give marks lower than 10. She said it didn't mean anything. Howard said Jon still made him fill it out. Robin said she might have been higher if he had given people lower scores.
Howard said it was Jon Leiberman at number 7 and then Sal and then Will. Gary was at number 11. Howard said Tracey was at 12.
Howard said he doesn't interact with the guys there. He said that's probably why he's at number 4. Robin said she's the same way. Howard said that she came in at 16 though. Robin said she thinks that people are lying to him. Howard said that he knows how to get along with people better than Robin. Robin said she doesn't know about that. Robin said it's just wrong.
Jon said that two people gave him a 6. Howard said he'd like to know who they are so he can make amends. Howard asked the people to step up. He said that he would bet that Steve Brandano is one of them. Steve came in and said he is correct. He said he wanted to explain it to him. He said he started at a 5 for everyone. He said that if he liked them he'd give them a 6 and a 4 if he had issues with them. Howard said that he's a nitwit. He said that when you have a scale of 10 you start at 10 and deduct. Howard said he affected his score. Steve said he did that with everyone though. He said that he created his own scale and it didn't affect anyone. Howard said he must have given Fred a 4. Steve said he doesn't know. He said he can look at his sheet and figure it out.
Howard said Scott the Engineer came in at number 18. He beat out Ralph, Benjy and Lisa. Howard asked if anyone wants to talk about why they gave Robin a low score. Howard said he knew that Brandano gave him a low score. Fred said he skewed the whole thing with that point rating he used.
Howard said that he thinks Benjy could have given him a 6. Jon said the person gave a bunch of people 6s. Gary said that things are getting ugly out there. He said Jason went and looked at the list and now he's screaming at Steve for giving the low scores. Howard asked why Jon would leave it open. Jason said he left it on and he can see Steve's row. He said that it stands out like an asshole. He said he thought that they were best friends but he saw the score he gave him. He said he has a 3 point system. He said a 4 is like a 1 and that's what Steve gave him. Jon said he didn't think that he was going to have people checking his computer.
Jason said he's done talking to people. He said he's just going to come in and do his work and go home. He said he and Robin will go get lunch together. He said he's giving in and just being nice to everyone. Howard said that's how Jason found out Will was angry at him too. Jason said they worked that out though.
Howard had Steve come back in. Howard said maybe they can work that out. Steve said he thought the game was anonymous. Howard asked what it is that Jason can improve. Steve said that his relationship has changed with Jason over the past couple of years. He said that he's become more bold and boisterous. Howard asked Jason if he's aware of that. Jason said he thought that they were friendly off the air. Steve said they used to do that stuff. Jason said they just went out to lunch last week... twice. Steve said they're not as close as they used to be. He said he thinks that Jason knows that. Jason said he will start distancing himself from him now. Steve said this is what he's talking about. He said he's drawing that line in the sand and he's stepping away. Jason said he's just going to get out of it. He said he doesn't think he has anything to improve. He said he's okay with that too.
Jason said he has very thick skin. Howard said he actually doesn't. He said he's showing that right now. Jason said he doesn't want to put time into fixing things. Jason said he only knows what he thinks of him now because he saw it on Jon's screen. He said if he hadn't done that then their issues never would have been worked out. Steve said things would be the same. Jason said this is all Steve's fault because he came up with his own scoring system. Steve said he can't argue with that. Robin said she's sad about this. She said that they had a friendship and it's no more. Jason said he's sick of this. He said that he would love to find out who gave him the 2. He said that he'd love to say to that person not to talk to him anymore. Howard said he'd bet it was Scott the Engineer. Jason said he gave Steve like a 7 or something. He said that's the way he felt at the time. He said he wouldn't change that either.
Will came in and said that he aired his grievances with Jason and it was a cathartic thing. He said they are very good friends and he thinks he gave him a high score. He said that he gave Howard at least a 7 or 8. Howard said he's not fired then. He kicked everyone out after that. He thanked Jon Hein for the horrible game. He said Jon knew he'd win. Jon said he was pleasantly surprised at how he did. Robin said that no one thinks of the game if they don't think they're popular.
Howard was wondering who gave him the other 6. Jon said that person gave someone else a 6 and gave Fred and Benjy the score of 2. Howard said that person knew what they were doing. Howard said he thinks that was Scott the Engineer. Benjy said he thinks that he and Scott really like each other so he's not sure that's the case. Howard said that he won't be mad at the person who gave him the 6. Jon said he and Richard and Sal all got 10s from that same person. Howard said he can see no one is coming forward.
Jon said JD didn't know what to give himself. Howard said JD gave himself a really low number because of his low self esteem. JD said he gave himself a 5. Howard said he could have won if he had given himself a 10.
Jon said that he gave Howard an 8. He said he gave some other people 10s. Howard said no one has been nicer to JD and you'd think he'd give him a 10. Howard said he's had him out to his house and out to dinner. JD said that was once. JD said he gave Robin a 7 or 8. Jon said it was an 8. Howard told everyone to get out. He said that's enough. He said the whole thing is boring to him anyway. Robin said this was not boring at all.
Fred said that he's glad he boxes since no one likes him there. Howard asked Fred about boxing and how much he's into that. Fred said he won't be boxing Mike Tyson but he's having fun doing it. Howard said that he used to fight with kids when he was younger and they would want to box him. Howard said there was this one kid who he had to fight with a lot. Howard said that he hopes he's in jail or dead.
Howard said he was reading about how they stopped the stop and frisk thing there in New York. He said that the murder rate went up for that month. He said that people are dead because of that judge. Howard said that they put it back into effect now. Howard said that the cops should be able to do a stop and frisk all over the country. Howard said maybe if this kid who shot up the ice skating rink would have been stopped if they were able to do that. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said he has to give them to a big fan. Howard said that he's thinking of a number between 1 and 1 billion. He said if he can guess it then he'll win. The caller guessed it was 99 million. Howard said it was 19. Howard said he'll play a very famous moment from the show and he has to say the next word this guy says. Howard played a clip of Steve Grillo saying ''I'm extremely...'' Howard said he had to guess what the next word was. Robin said she didn't know what the next word was. Howard said the caller, Thomas, is staying in California on January 31. Howard said that this was really hard. Benjy didn't remember it either. Howard played the clip and it was Grillo saying ''I'm extremely dumbfounded.''
Howard had a song that Sal wrote and he's looking for the next sentence in the song. He played Sal singing about his wife in ''I Want to Beat My Wife'' and the caller had to come up with ''I want to punch her till she shits out her bones.'' The caller wasn't able to do it. Howard said he told Jon that these were too hard.
Howard said he had a contest on the show called Restless, Restless and it was Vinnie Favale's song. He played some of the song for the caller and the caller had to guess the next line. He didn't get it. Howard said he knew he wouldn't get it. Howard said the next line was ''I changed my mi-i-i-i-nd''
Howard played a clip of a song that a YouTube kid performed. He said the caller has to guess the next line. He actually got that. Howard said he's going to the birthday show. The caller sounded happy about that.
Howard said you can win tickets through HowardStern.com or SiriusXM.com. He said they'll be at the Hammerstein Ballroom. Howard said that's on January 31 and Jimmy Kimmel will be hosting.
Howard played a clip of Gary doing his ''My professional life is at a 9 (Noine)'' and Robin had to come up with ''my personal life is at a 2.''
Robin had to come up with some lyrics to a Stuttering John song that she performed many years ago. Robin was able to do that. Howard said she gets to go to the birthday show too.
Howard said he can't believe his producer says ''Noine''. Robin said she has some trivia for Howard. Robin asked if he remembers the name Chris Mattioli. Howard said that's an intern of theirs. Robin said he's right. Robin said she ran into him the other night. Robin said he's doing great. She said that she met him and his wife. Robin said he remembers them fondly from their WNBC days. Howard said maybe they should go back in time. Howard said Gary went out to dinner with Boy Lee. Howard said that he was out with Greg the Engineer and Boy Lee. Howard said Lee was Gary's predecessor at WNBC. Howard asked if that's the dinner he was at where he had to yell. Gary said it was. He said they all love Howard and Robin and send their regards.
Eric said Johnny Fratto told him earlier that he had something big to tell him. He said he could only tell him on air. Howard didn't have Johnny on the phone. Howard asked Gary why they'd call Eric back and not Johnny. Howard said Eric is making a point. Gary said they were supposed to have both back up but Johnny isn't picking up. Howard said he's sorry for the incompetence of his staff. Eric said maybe tomorrow then. Howard said this wasn't Eric's fault.
Howard said they're doing a radio show here. He said they wing it around there. Gary said that it was a communication error. Howard said Gary orchestrated this nightmare he's in right now. Howard said he put on Eric the Actor to have him and Johnny on but Johnny wasn't there. Howard said Gary doesn't know what happened. Gary said he knows how it happened but he doesn't want to get into it. Howard said he has a right to know what happens there. Gary said he's taking the blame for what one of his guys did. He said he told Steve to get them both up there and he wasn't able to make it happen. Howard said they're not Gary's guys. He said they all work for him. He said they're not against him or Gary. He said that they're not Gary's guys.
Gary said he can see that Howard wants to fuck with him. He said that Steve works directly for him and he works for Howard. Howard said that he just wants to know what's going on back there. Howard asked why Steve wasn't listening to him. Gary said he doesn't know yet. Howard said he should just keep protecting his guys. Gary said he's trying to run stuff for him and he's trying to keep good morale back there.
Gary said they know they made a mistake. Howard said he just wanted to know what was going on there and he asked him. Gary said that he told Steve to get them back on the phone. Howard said he got Eric but not Johnny. Gary said he tried to get Johnny but Johnny wasn't picking up. Howard told Gary they have to figure this out so they know how to communicate this with each other. Gary said that he was going to do this off the air but Howard brought it on the air. Gary said he didn't want to bring this on the air because he wanted to protect Steve from the audience, not from Howard. He said that he didn't want them calling him a douche bag for what happened. Howard asked Gary what he's going to do to make sure this doesn't happen again. Gary said he'll make sure this doesn't happen again and make sure that they communicate things around there.
Howard said this is why things are a mess around there. He said he can't even ask how something occurs there. Howard said this is what it is to run a business. Howard said now he's the dick for asking a question. Howard said he just wanted to know whose fault it was. Howard said just imagine you work at Apple computer or your President Obama and you ask why something went wrong. Howard said if you have someone like Gary they're protecting their guys. Howard said that he did this on the air to point out what it is to run a business. Howard said this woman who is in charge of the Obmaacare web site is scrambling.
Gary said that he wants to say one more thing. Howard said he's done. Gary said he's done too. Howard said this is very difficult. Howard said this is what's going on in the Obama administration too. Howard said that he just wanted to know what went on with Eric the Actor and how they can right what went wrong. He said he wants those guys in the back to be referred to as ''Howard's guys'' and not Gary's guys. Howard said he has the right to know what's going on back there. Howard said he's not sure what's so terrible about that.
Howard said Gary is a hot head. He said that he's just showing what happened with Obamacare. Robin said she'd rather talk about that. She said that was a huge mistake. Howard said that they're government workers and they point fingers. Howard said of course they do. Howard said they have to get the work done. Howard said he was attacked. He said that's what happened in government too. Robin said the President is taking all the hits and looking like the idiot. Howard said you have to bust balls.
Benjy tried to hold in a sneeze and it came out as a squeak. Howard said you can blow your head off trying to do that. He said you can't hold it in.
Howard said he has to get to the Mayor of Toronto. He asked Gary where the clips were if he wasn't too busy taking care of his guys. Howard said he wants to know who his guys are. Gary said they're all his guys. Howard said that's not the way Gary put it earlier. Howard asked who his guys are. Gary said they're the people in the office. Howard named them all and said that it leaves no one for him. Gary asked if he has a team there that he's in charge of. Howard said Gary's team is everyone on the show. Gary said he works with a team in the office there. Howard said that's like Gary saying that the Washington Redskins are his team. Gary said they don't work for him though.
Robin wanted to make a sports analogy and she asked if the players on the Yankees are the general manager's guys or the team captain's guys. Howard was trying to speak but Gary kept interpreting even when Howard told him to stop.
Howard said he's going to compare himself to the Sopranos. Howard said that just imagine if it's Uncle Paulie trying to have his own team. He said he'd have to kill him. Gary came in and said that he wanted to address Robin. Howard said he can't do that. Howard said if Tony Soprano heard that Big Pussy had ''his guys'' he'd have to kill the guy.
Howard said that Gary has to calm the fuck down. He said he may have to go home and relax. He said he's talking too much. Howard said he loves Gary. Gary said he saw a weakness and kicked him while he was down. Howard asked if he gets what he's saying about the Sopranos. Gary said ''sure.'' They had to take a break after that. Howard said he has to play the Toronto mayor clips. He said this guy is a maniac. Howard said the guy has a brother on the town council too. He said he has to take a break and then he'll regroup and see if Gary's guys are okay. Robin asked who they are if they're not in with the guys. Howard said they're nobodies. Howard said he doesn't understand that ''My guys'' thing. Howard said he's not sure if Fred is one of his guys. Robin said they weren't mentioned. Gary said Fred doesn't report to him day to day. He said he has a team that reports to him every day. Howard said he's learning more and more about the workplace. He said Gary has his guys. Howard said Gary is the only one with ''guys'' on the show. Howard said Benjy isn't one of his guys. Gary said he's just talking about the guys who report to him every day. Howard said he must be stuck with Benjy on his team.
Howard said he thinks that he's going to put Benjy on his team. He said he should report to him every day. Benjy said he's unavailable. Howard said it's like he is one of the guys but Gary doesn't want him. He said this is some system they have there. Howard said his mind is blown and he can't even go to the break. Fred played Wendy the Retard's ''I'm blowin' my mind up!'' clip. Howard said no one will claim Fred to be on their team. Howard said that Gary is the Executive Producer and he should be on his team. Gary said that he can go days without talking to him but that doesn't mean anything.
Howard said he has to take a break but then they'll do news and talk about this Toronto Mayor. Howard said JD from Gary's team put the clips together. Robin said they're on loan from Gary's team. Howard said Gary's team got them. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said he has to get to the Toronto Major. He said he ash a clip of his brother Doug Ford talking about how his brother just did something wrong and he said that everyone is acting like they never did anything wrong. Howard played the clip and Doug was asking people if they have ever smoked marijuana. He just wanted a yes or a no answer. The other counselor were trying to calm him down and stop him from talking. He kept asking over and over if they've ever smoked. Howard said Canada is suddenly the fun country. They eventually cut his microphone off and tried to bring things under control.
Howard said that's so great. He said it's out of control. Howard said they just want this Mayor Ford to go away and he won't. Howard said the guy won't leave. He said he's like a cockroach.
Howard played another clip where they were asking Mayor Ford about going to someone's house to smoke crack and asking if it was a crack house. Mayor Ford said it's not a crack house and there is a family that lives there.
Howard said this is some fun circus. Howard said the mayor is saying he doesn't have a problem. He said that he got high one night and that's it. Howard said he wants to move on. Robin said that they could vote him out or he could voluntarily step down.
Howard said Mayor Ford was also talking about eating pussy. He played a clip of Ford saying that he would never say he wanted to eat some woman's pussy because he has enough to eat at home. Howard said now you know the anchor people have to come on and talk about that. Howard played more of the clip where the news anchors were talking about what he had just said on live TV. Howard said if he were mayor he'd tell them to smell his fingers.
Howard played another clip where Mayor Ford was apologizing for saying what he said on TV. He explained about how much stress he's been under for the past 6 months and how it's of his own making. He said he'd tried to move forward but it's proven to be almost impossible. Ford said that he has been pushed over the line. Ford said he used unforgivable language. He said some of the allegations are lies and it angers him when his family is brought into it.
Howard said this guy is pretty ugly and thinking about him eating pussy is pretty disgusting. Howard played more of Ford talking about what's going on and why he's so upset. Howard said that the guy smoked crack and if people knew that he did that occasionally they may not have voted for him. Howard said the guy is endless entertainment.
Robin said these guys think they're entitled to their job once they get it. Robin said they never step down.
Howard said Bill Maher made another dumb comment. Howard said he told the people of Boston to get past the bombing up there. He said it was a really dumb comment and he doesn't understand it at all. Howard played the clip of Maher talking about the parade up in Boston for the Red Sox winning the World Series. He said they took the parade where the bombing was and they were chanting USA and all of that. Maher said that it happens every day and the city wasn't leveled by Godzilla. Anthony Weiner was asking him what's wrong with him. He said it was a nice moment.
Howard said that's such a heinous statement. Howard said that's like telling people to get over the Anne Frank house. Howard said that these two little shits blew people up in Boston. He wondered if Maher lacks an empathy gene. Howard said that they should test him for narcissism. Howard said that the Red Sox were trying to make this into something symbolic. Howard said they went through a terrible tragedy and they're trying to show there is something to celebrate even in their sadness. Howard said Maher said that their city wasn't leveled by Godzilla and ''come on...'' Howard said the Mayor of Boston responded to that and some comedian did too. Howard played that audio and the Mayor was talking about Maher and how he doesn't know what he's talking about. They also showed it to a comedian up there and the comedian said it was out of line.
Howard said the New York City Marathon had to do so much to make sure nothing like that happened there. Howard said he's not sure what Bill is thinking. He said he appreciates him not censoring himself but he doesn't see why he doesn't get what they're doing up there. Howard said maybe his writers don't talk to him like Gary isn't talking to him today.
Howard said Bill is still invited on his show. He said he doesn't agree with him on a few things but he still wants him on the show. Howard said he knows that he's cynical himself but that Boston thing seems like a nice gesture. Robin said that a woman lost a leg up there and she just ran a half marathon trying to continue her life. Robin said that's incredible courage and it doesn't take anything for Bill to sit there and say dumb shit. Howard said if Bill's family was blown up he'd be demanding a memorial every day. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard played Stacy Rucker's ''I Want More Howard Stern'' and said that didn't turn him on. Robin said she thinks that he could have fucked her.
Howard asked if Gary is still not talking to him. Howard said he won't be on the Wrap Up Show to talk about it. Gary came in and said that anything he needs for work he's got. He said he's fine. He said he's actually in a meeting. Howard said he was tough on him and he's sorry for that. Gary thanked him for that. Robin said that Howard had some good advice for Alec Baldwin but then he still has anger issues of his own to handle. Howard said that's why he won't talk to Alec himself. Howard said he has a lot of emotional issues. Robin asked how Fred was doing. Fred said he's fine.
Robin got to the news and read about how they tested books in a library for viruses and they found the herpes virus in the book ''50 Shades of Grey.'' Howard said he read that story and it sent him into an OCD frenzy. Howard said even touching money is gross. He said he read that story and he said it was just too much. He said he went to count some money and he thought that there were herpes virus on the money. He said he had to wash his hands after touching the money. Howard said he would never get a book from the library now. Howard said he'd rather just buy the book. Robin said you have to be careful borrowing a book that's very popular. She said you don't want a popular one about sex. Howard said that it's just vile.
Robin said she saw Dr. Oz last week and someone was on talking about how they got a sexually transmitted disease without even having sex. Robin said they're saying it's true you can get it from a toilet seat.
Robin mentioned that she was on the NY Times Best Seller List at number 15 last week. Howard congratulated her on that.
Robin said that the station FXX has landed The Simpsons in a new deal. Howard said he's never heard of FXX. Robin said she thinks it's a FOX channel. Howard said they're part of the FOX family. Robin said that show could get up to $750 million. Howard said Sam Simon hasn't worked on the show in years and he still makes millions from it. Howard said it's a cartoon and it's unbelievable. Robin said it could get to a billion if the series keeps going. That's just for the reruns. Howard said that they just sit there watching. He said Fred and Benjy should write a cartoon and he'll produce it. Howard told Gary to ask his team to make a cartoon. Howard said that's some success story and he's never watched an episode. Robin said there are some rabid fans there. Richard is one. Howard and Fred did their impressions of Richard talking about that.
Howard said Jake Gyllenaal apparently punched out a mirror and cut his hand up. Howard said he sees a mirror and he gets angry too. He said that Jake is a good looking dude so he's not sure why he'd get angry at one. Howard said their General Manager once punched his suit and broke his hand.
Robin said the show The Killing has been killed off twice but now it's getting a reprieve on Netflix. Howard said he watched the show for a while but they wore him out with the story line. Robin said they came back this season and they just killed the audience. Howard said it must have been mismanaged. Robin said Netflix will have future episodes.
Robin said a bunch of familiar shows aren't doing very well this season. Robin said that some of the series that have gone down in the ratings are the shows Revenge, Revolution, Two Broke Girls, The X-Factor and others aren't doing well.
Howard mentioned that there's some construction going on there in the building. He wondered how long that's going to go on. They could hear pounding through the walls.
Robin read about how there are still people against gay rights and it doesn't make sense to her. Howard said he doesn't get it either. Howard said you have to be miserable if you're against gay rights. He said that you just want people to be as miserable as you are. Howard said that's the only thing he can think of. Howard said Terrorists are like that too. He said if you introduced porn, drugs, great literature and cultural things to them they'd be happy. Howard said a lot of the countries have a lot of oil money and they don't distribute it to the whole country. Howard said that it's like that with gay marriage. Howard said these heterosexuals are so miserable that they don't want anyone else to be happy.
Howard read a story about how Selena Gomes and how she's asked the press not to ask her about Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus. Howard said he's not sure what else there is to talk to her about.
JD came in and asked if he cares why she can't talk about Miley. Howard said sure. JD said that she's been critical of Miley at the VMAs and stuff. Howard thanked him for that.
Robin read about some tornados in Illinois this weekend. Robin had some audio of someone who saw the tornado live and video taped it.
Robin said someone died in a diving competition. Robin said they were trying to go 237 feet or more on one breath. Robin said that this guy went down to 200 feet and came back up and thought things were fine but he collapsed and died. Robin said they haven't determined what he died of yet. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read about Thanksgiving coming up and how some people are talking about doing different things for the holiday other than having Turkey. Howard said he doesn't eat turkey himself. He said they're not in charge of the cooking this year but there still won't be a turkey. Howard said he has plans. He said he can't eat birds anymore. He said it's just not his thing. Robin read about what some people will be doing this Thanksgiving. Howard said he eats that other stuff. He said he has one piece of stuffing. Benjy said he doesn't eat turkey but it still looks appetizing. Howard said he has nothing to do with it.
Robin read a story about Joan Jett being kicked off a Thanksgiving day float because she's a vegetarian. Robin said she'll be switching floats to be part of a PETA float instead. Howard said he can't think of anything more humiliating than being on a parade float.
Robin read about Jackie Kennedy's pink suit that she was wearing the day JFK was assassinated. Robin said that she was urged to clean herself up but she insisted on keeping it on to show people what they did to her husband. Howard said he saw Oliver Stone being interviewed by Tavis Smiley the other day. Howard said Stone stated that you have to be an imbecile to think it was one bullet. Howard said he's one of those imbeciles. Howard said he has no reason to doubt that the Warren Commission did anything wrong. Robin said they say that he was in so much pain from his Addison's disease. That led to Howard doing his Ted Kennedy impression for a few minutes.
Robin said that pink suit is in an archive and it's locked away and won't be seen for at least another century according to the Kennedy family.
Robin said the daughter of LBJ is commenting on the assassination too. Robin had some audio of her talking about what happened that day. Robin said it's the 50th anniversary of the shooting this Friday.
Robin read about a young boy in San Francisco who became a super hero for a day. Robin said he's known as Batkid. Robin had some audio of the mayor giving the kid the key to the city. Robin said the kid foiled the Riddler and the Joker and rescued a damsel in distress. Robin said he got to go around the city with a police escort too. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin brought up Elton John and said that this was one of his greatest songs ever. She had Howard play a clip of the song and Howard said he'd never want to hear that on Deep Tracks. Robin said when Elton did their show she told him that ''Idol'' was her favorite song of his. Robin said Howard said he had never heard of it back when she said it to him. Howard said they play that on a secret channel there at Sirius. He said it's channel 57,000 and a half.
Robin read about how Sony has released the new Playstation 4. Robin said they sold 1 million of the new game consoles over the weekend. Robin said the Xbox One is coming out on Friday and it's selling for $100 more than the Playstation.
Robin read about a reverend who performed a marriage for a gay couple and now he could be defrocked for that.
Robin read about the NFL looking into the bullying scandal in the Miami Dolphins. Robin said that they will be looking into the coach and the way he handled his players.
Robin read about Alec Baldwin and how he had 3 confrontations with reporters on Friday. Robin said he singled out one reporter and yelled at her. Robin had the audio of him going off on her and asking if she wanted to apologize to his wife for almost hitting her with a microphone. Robin said Baldwin also hit a car and he said he wanted to press charges against the reporter. Robin had the audio of that as well. Howard laughed when he heard the clip.
Howard mentioned that they're giving away tickets to the birthday show. Howard said you can find out how to win at HowardStern.com. They ended the show a short time later. They were done around 10:15am.
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Jason said that if Gary had called in and coughed the clip would be played all morning. Gary said that not coming in for a cough would be ridiculous. Gary said he doesn't feel sick. He said he doesn't have a cold or the flu. Jason said that he was sick like a month ago and he just gave JD all of his stuff to pass along.
Gary said he had to wear that mask too so that was upsetting. He said no one else has to do that and it's fucking demeaning. He said he does it because that's what Howard wants. Gary said he wore it every break except when he was speaking on the microphone 30 feet from Howard. Jon said he was in the cross hairs from 6:02 on.
Jon asked if he thinks this was because of where Howard ranked in the popularity contest. Gary said he doesn't think so.
Gary said he's sure there are some people who would say he's just tweaking him. He said that the thought has to come from somewhere though. He said that the damage is done. He said Howard has apologized to him. He said that he was very mad about the whole thing though.
Jon asked how you find the truth about Howard just making fun or just goofing. Gary said it's hard to find that line.
Jon pointed out how Jason had gone in and looked at his computer and saw what Steve had given him as a score. Jason said that he was going to see what his scores were and he was surprised to find that he gave him a 4. Jason said that he was seeing red for a solidi 5 minutes or so after seeing that. He said he's over that now. Benjy asked if he was upset about what he gave to the other people. Jason said he didn't see what he gave anyone else. He said he wishes he had seen what he gave Will and people like that.
Jason said that he kept telling Steve that his scoring rules were stupid. He said that it was a 3 point system. Steve said he didn't put a lot of thought into the game. He said that he didn't want to give himself a 10. He said he wanted to start in the middle and go from there. Gary asked if all 6s are created equal. Steve said he didn't want to do that at all. He said he tried to put in a system that he could lift up someone he was friendly with. He said he didn't want to be there at the microphone today. Jason said ''How ironic.'' Steve said he saw the error in his ways when he saw how people were getting 10s and then a 6. Benjy said he doesn't think he skewed it that much with the scores he gave.
Jon said this game was not his idea. He was just in charge of it. Gary said that the other thing going on is that this is the second or third game that they made the promise of anonymity and they didn't keep it. Jason said this stuff never stays quiet. He said that he didn't care when he gave Jon his form.
Jon said that JD gave himself a 5 and if he hadn't then he would have won the game. Jason asked Jon what he gave himself. Jon said he gave himself a 10. Jason said he gave himself a 7. Jason said you can't like yourself that much. Gary said you have to like yourself.
Jon asked if they think that JD is really a 5. Jason said he has bad self esteem and he's really not a 5. He said that he probably thinks of himself as a 2.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the game played out exactly the way it should have. He said that it makes things interesting when people are pissed off at each other. Jon said it's not a game if you give everyone a 10. Benjy gave everyone 10s. Benjy said he has people he's more attracted to and he'd have more fun with them but it was all too complicated.
Jon said that there were three people who didn't participate in the game. He said they were on the list. Benjy said that's very interesting. Jon said you can figure it out. Steve said if he hadn't done it he'd be getting goofed on in there. Jon said he would have left his name out of it and just said that it was 4 people who didn't participate.
Jon said Scott couldn't believe that he did as well as he did. Ralph, Benjy, Robin and Lisa were all after him.
Benjy said that he bets he knows who gave him low numbers. He said it doesn't bother him that much if he thinks he knows who gave him the numbers. Jon said he got 4 10s. He read off the other numbers he got and there were some 4s, 5s and 6s in there. He also got a 1. Gary said he thinks he gave Benjy a 7. Benjy said the people might be judging by how much you hang out with them.
Jason said he likes Sal a lot and he gave him a high score. He said he doesn't hang out with him outside much so there is a weird balance here. He said the whole hanging out factor is weird.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he was curious about Howard talking about the team thing. He said he thinks that Howard was playing dumb with that. He said they didn't have to play it all out the way they did. He said it was more the splinter under the nail thing. Gary said the thing that got under his skin was that he was a negative force in the office. He said that he made it sound like he was pitting them against Howard. Jason said Gary is the unifying force in the office. He said he tries to bring everyone together. Jon asked if Howard knows that. Gary said he doesn't know if Howard knows that. They had to go to break a short time later.
Ronnie said ''what a scumbag.'' He said that he thought JD should have given him a 10. He said he took JD out on the road with him and got him laid just about every weekend. He said that he hangs out with him just as much as the other guys.
Jason asked what number JD gave him. JD said he loves everyone there. He said he loves Jason but he gave him a 5. He said they've had their good times and bad times. He said some days he gets on his nerves. He said that he wasn't his lowest score either. Benjy also got a 5 from JD. JD said that they don't really hang out. He said he doesn't know when he's talking to the real Benjy or not.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Howard let JD take his wife to the movies. JD said he knows that. Benjy said maybe he gave Howard a lower score to get Beth.
JD said that Howard is the best guy ever but this thing he thought of as a friend thing. He said that he gave Jon a 10 and Gary an 8. Ronnie got a 9. Jon said he knows that he's hurt by that. Ronnie said JD thought more of Jon than he did for him. JD said he talks to Jon all the time.
Benjy asked if Jon got any low numbers. He got a 6 from Steve. Jon said he got some 8s. Jon said he did very well. He said he thinks Jason gave him an 8. Jon said he thinks that he got good numbers because he was collecting the things.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to comment to Gary about the whole blow up thing. He said he thinks Gary does an excellent job and he doesn't have to worry about anything but he gets too defensive. He said that things turn poorly when he doesn't answer honestly and openly. Gary said there was no way that he could have made Howard happy with that whole thing. He said that it's a beating no matter which way you shake it up. Gary said it's like being in a marriage and having the same things happen over and over again. Gary said he freaked out on Howard one day for saying his father was an ice cream man. He said he had been in a fight with a security guy at the building they worked at and they wanted to get him fired for years. He said the guy picked a fight with them that day and he was on edge already. He said that magnifies things.
Jon asked Ronnie how he felt with his scores. Ronnie said he was happy. He said he knew Lisa was going to be the last but he thought he was going to be down there with her. Ronnie ended up in 6th place. Jon said that Ronnie got two 6s and a 5 from someone. He said he could have finished in the top 3 if he had gotten a little higher score. Ronnie asked if he got any 10s. Jon said he got six 10s. Ronnie sounded surprised by that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that Lisa's cookie party had to do with this low score. He said that Lisa was doing that for personal gain. Gary said he thinks that there is a theory around there and she likes to reap the benefits without being a team player around there. He said Lisa doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do there. Ronnie said she must have wanted to kiss him. They had to go to break after that.
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Jon asked Ronnie if he thought Howard was being too hard on Gary today. Ronnie said not really. He said they all catch shit there and they had to fill time. Gary said he gets what he's saying but he doesn't think that had anything to do with it. Gary said he was breaking his balls and he made him wear a mask. Ronnie said the mask thing was a joke. Gary said he doesn't think so. Jon said he thinks he was serious about the mask. Gary said no one else has ever had to wear a mask. Gary said he's seen plenty of sick people there and no one else has to wear a mask.
Benjy said that maybe the better way to handle it was to just say that it was his fault or maybe say that he had to talk to the guys. Gary said that wasn't going to happen. He said that Howard wasn't going to let it go. Gary said he did try to do it that way but Howard wouldn't let it go.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked how long he's been with Howard now. Gary said it's almost 30 years. The caller asked why he can't just let that stuff roll off. Gary asked roll off of who? The caller said it should roll off of everyone. Gary said that Howard is the team they play for. Jason said there are a bunch of teams there that focus on various things. Benjy said he thinks that it's like the blue line that the police have. He said it's like protecting his people that way. Gary said that's one thing but Howard said ''what's this 'my team' bullshit?''
Jon took a call from a guy who asked when things get weird around there after something like that. Jason said whenever the microphone is off things get weird. Gary said he didn't go in after the break but he did after the show. He said he's over it now. Gary said he was able to skip that one break because there was nothing to talk about.
Jon had Lisa G come in and give her Howard 100 News preview. Ronnie said he had to go but he wished himself a happy 28th anniversary working there. Gary said that's older than the girl he dates. Ronnie said she's 31 so that's not true. Lisa got to her news preview and ran down what they'd be covering today. They wrapped up and ended the show a short time later. They were done around 11:10am.
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Howard started the show talking about the exciting night he had. He was up at 1 in the morning and watched some shows. He said he fell asleep at 3:30 and then his alarm went off. He said he's having a blast.
Howard said he has a couple of things to announce today. He said people are wondering if he'll be going back to AGT. He said before he goes to that he wants to say how he came to the decision. He said he listened to the Wack Pack and what they thought. Howard said their advice is sound. Howard played some audio clips of the Wack Pack talking about the AGT thing. The first one was Riley Martin talking about cutting back. Riley said he wouldn't do anything if he had that much money.
Howard played another clip of Wendy the Retard talking about going back to America's Got Talent. She said she only has 80 cents herself. Jeff the Drunk said that he should return to AGT. High Pitch Eric also said that he should return to AGT.
Howard said that he did struggle with this decision. Howard said in a way Riley is correct. He said he's been working a long time. Howard said he really wanted to decide if it was going to take away too much free time. Howard said he started out doing it as a goof but then it became a job. He said he had much thought and much neurotic whining in his life. Howard said he wants to thank his wife for listening to him over and over. He said she put up with a lot. Howard said she told him to just make a decision already. He said just imagine living with him during this. Howard said it was depressing him. He said that he had to really think about this.
Howard said NBC really listened to him and they adjusted the schedule to accommodate him. He said they changed the show for him. Howard said you can imagine how loved and wanted he felt. He said that plays right into that big black hole that lives inside of him. He said they were very nice. He named a few of the people at NBC who were very good to him. Howard said he put a lot of thought into this. He said he has decided he needed a personal life but that big black hole inside of him needs attention. He said it won. He said he's going back for one season more.
Robin said he had her convinced he was going to say no. Howard said his dark passenger won't allow him to do that. He said he will go back for one more season. He said he'll sit there with the other judges. He said he's assuming that Howie, Heidi and Mel will be there but he doesn't know for sure. He said he has nothing to do with that decision.
Howard picked up the phone on Mariann from Brooklyn who was screaming and asking if Don Buchwald is high as a kite today. Howard said he has to get a new queen for this thing. He was joking with her of course. Howard had to hang up on Mariann when she was rambling too much for him. He said he can't take it.
Gary told Howard where the clip was. Howard said he heard Gary talking about wearing that medical mask yesterday on the Wrap Up Show. He said that he wasn't doing that to humiliate him. He said he has a fear of germs and he needs to have a voice on the show. Howard said he can't get sick. He said he wasn't asking him to do that to humiliate him. He said he thinks Gary looks 50 times better in that mask. Gary asked if it even works. Howard said the news department is doing a story about it. Howard said he doesn't know. Howard said Gary looks so handsome in it though.
Gary said he washed his vagina. He said he as a little sensitive yesterday. Gary said he's seen Will and Jason sick there and Howard never makes them wear a mask. Howard said he can throw them out of the studio. He said Gary is there all the time having a dialog with him. Gary said he has gloves on today. Howard said he appreciates that. Gary said he just felt stupid. Howard said he's constantly using Purell. He said he knows it's irrational and silly. He said some of it is rational though. He said colds and stuff are transmitted by touching and things like that.
Robin said Howard used to get sick all of the time. Howard said he tried to stay healthy. He said he does get sick once in a while. He asked why he should take the chance. He said why not put on the gloves. He thinks it's great and he appreciates it. Howard said he wasn't doing it to humiliate him. He said he didn't see the humor in it.
Howard said he has to apologize to Gary. He said that he was just looking for answers and he comes off kind of strong. He said Gary felt under appreciated. Gary said he's fine today. He said that yesterday sucked from the start of the day. He wasn't having a good time. Gary said that when they have no guests then someone is going to get shit. That's what happened yesterday.
Gary said the thing that bothered him most was that Howard said he annoyed him from the first time he saw him 30 years ago. Howard said he did. Howard said they only had a budget of $150 when they hired Gary. Howard said he has always had a producer. Howard said he told Fred and Al Rosenberg to find someone for the show. Howard said Fred found someone and he brought him to him. He said that was Gary and he came there looking slovenly. Howard said he let out an ''Ugh'' when he saw him. He said he didn't see any sign of life behind those eyes. He said that he didn't think he'd make a good producer. Howard said it was horrible there at WNBC. Howard said he didn't want Gary but Gary proved himself to be worthwhile and a pro. He said he should take bows over that. He said his physical appearance was so nauseating to him and he overcame that. Howard said he didn't even want to see the guy but he hung in there and he did his job very well.
Howard said the other guy they interviewed is now the president of IBM. Gary said he actually is a big deal. He said he's a big radio executive. He said he's at WFAN. Howard asked if he's talking about Lee. Gary said no, it's another guy. Howard asked if it's too late to hire that guy. Gary said it is.
Gary mentioned ''hiring'' an intern so Howard talked about how that's not what you do with an intern. They're unpaid so you don't hire someone who doesn't get paid. Howard said you ''look'' for an intern. Howard said hiring is paying someone. Gary said that they say hiring there in HR at Sirius. Howard said he's never heard that. Howard said they don't say that unless they're paying them. Howard said he didn't want to get into it. Now he knows that Gary is upset.
Howard asked Jon Hein if he hears anyone say they're going to hire interns. Jon said he's heard it before. Howard asked if he says it. Jon said an unpaid intern is hired. Howard said he's never heard that. Jon said he can't think of a better word for it. Howard said you just get some interns. He said you don't hire them. Howard said this is why Gary is great. He said everything he says annoys him but he's great at his job.
Fred looked it up on Google and they do talk about ''hiring'' interns. Howard said that's when they're paid interns. Howard said that's fine but he's pointing out how Gary has annoyed him from the beginning but he thinks he's a great executive producer. Howard asked if that means anything to him. Gary said it's just great. He was annoyed with Howard again. Howard said he can't win. Howard said Gary is a terrific producer.
Gary told Howard about this intern they procured years ago and Howard noticed the guy had a bulge in his pants and he was creeped out by him so he was told not to hire him. Howard said he didn't tell him not to hire him. He said he wouldn't use that term.
Howard said yesterday was Ronnie's 28th anniversary with the show in some way or another. Howard said Gary has been there over 30 years. Gary said in September of next year it will be 30 years. Howard said Ronnie turned to him yesterday and said that he was wishing them a happy anniversary. Howard said Ronnie was annoyed that he didn't know it was the anniversary. Howard said he forgot about it and he thinks Ronnie was looking for a pat on the back on the air or something.
Howard said that everyone has been there for a long time. He said he doesn't fire anyone. Robin asked how long Fred has been with him. Howard said he met him at WCCC in 1978 or so. Howard said Fred is the one he's known the longest. Gary said that's like 34 years. Howard said that's why Gary is his producer. He did the math very quickly.
Howard asked Robin how long they've been together. Robin said it's been since 1981. Howard said Fred started with the show later than Robin. He said he used to call Fred on the air in Detroit. He said it was sad when he had to hang up and wasn't able to work with him. Fred said he though it was cool. Howard said he was frustrated that he didn't have Fred as a member of the show. Howard said it's all water under the bridge. He said he got to bring Fred to Washington and it went from there. Howard said they're still going strong.
Howard said you can find out how to win through HowardStern.com or SiriusXM.com. Howard said the sites all crashed yesterday when people tried to win. Howard said today it's all set up properly. Howard said you can go to either site and they will direct you to a site where you can win. Howard said it's a sweepstakes. Howard said it's so together now that you can get your Obamacare through there.
Howard said the show is at the Hammerstein Ballroom and Jimmy Kimmel will be hosting. Howard said he will be giving away tickets on the air too. He said that David Letterman is coming to the show. He said that's the real Dave, not Evil Dave. Howard said Louis C.K. will be doing something at the show as well. Howard said that's just the start. Howard said there are many other names that he will be releasing and Gary will have some saved as surprises.
Howard said he has to think this guy is trying to compensate for some shortcoming. He said that maybe he's not a good coach. In the report they were saying that this kind of coaching works. Gary said they have won back to back national championships. Howard said he doesn't get it. He said the yelling doesn't do anything. He said the team might be successful now but if they lose then the guy is an idiot. Howard said that's just ponderous. He said he can't imagine that guy's throat. He said he's like cro-magnon.
Howard said he doesn't know. He said that whole jock thing. He said he thinks that sports are great because they get you to move around. Robin said the games are for the desire to win though. Howard said he just wants to be left out of that. Howard said he sounds like that retarded flu character that Richard does. Howard said he'd like to hear Gary yell at his team like that. Howard said he needs to get his team into the weight room.
Richard came in and said that he can motivate people like that. Howard had him yell at them like the coach. Richard was able to do it pretty well. Howard had him yell at Benjy to get in on time. Howard asked if it hurts his throat. Richard said not really.
Howard played the ''Shoo, Shoo Retarded Flu'' call that Sal and Richard made to Gary the Retard. Richard did that deep voiced yelling as the flu in that call.
Eric said that Johnny needs to apologize for flubbing the last name of Paul Bernard. Johnny said he said it correctly. Eric said this is the job Johnny was supposed to get for him last year. Johnny said it's a scripted show on FXX and it's a recurring role. Howard said Eric just said the two most negative things. Howard said Eric isn't even excited about this.
Johnny said that Eric started arguing with him about something he told Eric before they got on the air. He said Eric doesn't want to start the job on December 2nd. Howard asked why that is. Eric said the problem is that the 2nd is following Thanksgiving. He said the days are nightmare travel days. Howard said that this is un-fucking-believable. Eric asked how he's going to be able to do that. Howard said he just has to get himself there. Robin said if he has to get up earlier then he gets up earlier. Johnny said he's not sure what else he can do. Howard said he thinks Johnny was expecting a thank-you from him. Howard said this is insane. Johnny said they'll figure everything out.
Howard said that this is something actors wait for their entire lives. Howard said that if Eric doesn't want to do it then fuck it. Johnny said that's what this fucker has him doing.
Howard asked what's going on with Eric. Howard said he has to talk to him for a minute. Howard said he just got his dream role and he's filled with ''I can't even do it.'' Howard said that's the easy part getting there. He said the hard part is getting the part. Robin said the people from the show can't be happy about that.
Johnny said it took a year to get him the part. He said they were trying to figure out a way to fit him in. He said they had to come together to figure it all out. Eric said this wasn't a little thing. He said they had a lot of serious meetings about it. He said it wasn't an easy thing to do.
Eric asked Johnny if this is to try to make up for him calling him a racist on Twitter. Johnny said he didn't do that. He told Howard to just try being him for one day. Howard said he's dumbfounded. He said he thought Eric was going to go berserk over this news. Johnny said he doesn't think he understands the bigness of this. Eric said he does understand it all. He said it's just the timing that's the problem. Johnny asked why that is. Eric said he doesn't want to be stuck on an airplane where he can't move his damn arms because it's so damn packed. Howard said he can fly there 2 weeks before Thanksgiving then.
Howard said this is a regular paycheck. Eric said he understands that. Howard asked what kind of money they're talking. Johnny said he's not sure exactly but it's more than ''In Plain Sight'' paid him. He said that it was a pretty big check. Howard said that Eric should be paying them for that. He said it's his first step in the industry. Johnny said he's going to take the 10 percent this time because Eric is yelling at him.
Howard asked if he has anything in writing. Johnny said he doesn't. He said he thinks he's more of an intern for Eric. He said he feels like he owes them something. Howard said he doesn't owe them anything. Johnny said it's good for him to be on Howard's show so he's trying to give back.
Howard asked if Eric is turning this down. Eric said no. Robin asked if he's just not going. Eric said he knows what he has to do. He said he just found out about it. He said he has committed to watching his brother's dog and they won't be back until the 3rd. Johnny said he'll take care of the dog. He said he doesn't have to worry about that dog. Johnny said he'll treat him just the way he'd treat Eric. Robin said Eric doesn't really want to be an actor. Eric said he does too.
Johnny said Eric gets to play a regular person in the show. He said he won't be playing a gay character or anything. He said he may have to grow a beard. Eric said he isn't sure if he can grow a beard. Johnny said he thinks they can figure it out and maybe wear a pubic beard. Eric said no way to that.
Howard said he thinks Johnny may have to back out of this thing. Howard asked where they're shooting it. Johnny said it's in Los Angeles. He said they do it at the FOX studios. He said they have a lot of big names in the show. Johnny said it's a big budget and a big show. He said Eric isn't sure if he wants to come up there. Eric said he's trying to say something. Eric said the other thing he has to do when he travels is contact his oxygen company to help out with that. Robin said he has 3 weeks to do that. Eric said he has 2 weeks. Howard said Eric makes his problems someone else's problems. He said he should make them his own.
Howard said he probably wouldn't be that good in the role anyway. He said Eric is never going to make it there. He said Johnny should tell them he's not taking the role. Johnny said he worked on this for a year. Eric said now he'll have to wait a year for him to get through the list that he sent him. Robin said he's amazing for someone who isn't paying someone to do this work for him.
Howard asked Johnny what the list is. Johnny said it's a motor home and shoes and other things. He wants him to charter a plane to his birthday party too. They're not even invited to it. Howard said Johnny sure has a tough life with Eric. He said he's looking forward to getting an update on this.
Johnny said he loves that Howard is going back to AGT. Howard said so many people don't appreciate work. He said Eric has no acting chops and he only gets offered this job because he's on this show. Eric said he has acting ability. He said he's been acting for 11 years plus on this show. Howard said that Eric isn't that good at acting. He said they have to be honest. Eric said because of his acting they all have the wrong perception of him. Robin said she doesn't think so. Johnny said that they all think he's a prick.
Howard said this is getting tedious so he has to go. Howard asked if he wants to talk to Underdog Lady because even she's annoyed. Howard didn't get an answer so he bailed. Howard said this is so annoying. He said he's turning down a major role on a TV show. Howard said it's never going to work out. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
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Howard came back and asked Fred if she likes this song. Fred said he thinks it's one of the greatest he ever wrote. He said this is probably his best Billy Joel album ever too. Howard said he might be right about the album but not the song. Howard said he doesn't think it's his best song.
Howard said Steve Hirsch is the owner of Vivid Video. They just got their own channel there on SiriusXM. Steve said that Playboy is gone now so it's just them. He said they just launched on channel 102. He said they have 25 hours of live shows a week. He said they have 25 hosts and it should be interesting.
Howard asked who the biggest porn star is right now. Steve said he'd say Ally Hayes who is one of their hosts. Howard asked if she's got the ability to sell videos. Howard said he's talking money wise, right? Steve said she is a big star. He said there are no DVD sales anymore. He said they're down about 80 percent from where they were 5 years ago. He said the business has really evolved. He said they're moving into TV and now radio.
Steve said there are a lot fewer companies now and the girls are fighting for work. Howard asked who the biggest star ever was. He asked if it was Jenna Jameson. Steve said that she was there. Howard asked how much he thinks she made from porn. Steve said she made a lot when she shot movies. Then she started her own company and sold that to Playboy for like 25 million. Howard said she's going back to work and doing the web cam thing. Howard said she had a lot of money. Steve said it is surprising. He said they wish her the best. He said he'd love to work with her again and he thinks that they could do huge business. Howard said she's not the young Jenna anymore though. Steve said they look at the numbers and they do sell a lot when they have classic girls in the movies. He said he thinks they could do very well with her.
Howard asked Steve if he was into porn and jerked off to it a lot. Steve said he never really did. He said he was in it for the money. He said that he wane to see how many ways they could sell it.
Howard asked Steve about the porn industry in California and how they make people wear condoms and now maybe masks and goggles. Steve said that's fine for like one movie but now they want them to wear all of this other stuff. He said they're fighting it right now. He said that people have moved out of L.A. County and hardly anyone is shooting there anymore. He said he thinks that's hurting them financially. He said that they aren't getting as many permits as they used to. Steve said he thinks they'll win and business will go on.
Howard asked if he sees sales being affected by this mandatory condom thing. Steve said that the sales went down about 30 percent when they first did it. He said since that time the testing that they put in place works and it works well. He said they've have zero transmission of HIV in the past 8 years. He said they've had over 300,000 scenes filmed since then. He said that there has been some HIV transmission but that came from outside the industry. He said they caught it when they did the testing in the industry and it hasn't been transmitted in the industry. He said that's the fact.
Howard asked what the most successful porn is with a celebrity in it. Howard asked if it was the Pam Anderson tape. Steve said that tape did very well. He said they put it out on VHS first. He said the Kim Kardashian tape is number one now. He said that has to do with the internet. He said it continues to do well to this day. He said they see a bump in their sales when she's in the news.
Howard asked why people pay for it if they can get it for free on the internet. Steve said it's really not available. He said that most of the sites on the web are owned by the same company and they can get it taken down. He said it's not up there consistently. He said that he still competes with free stuff so it is hard. Howard said he uses free sites to jerk off. He said he was just on YouPorn the other night jerking off to babysitter porn. Steve said if they put out the stuff on the free sites they won't be able to afford to produce new stuff. He said they have to keep it off the free sites and have people visit Vivid's web site.
Howard asked Steve if the celebrities who claim their sex tapes were stolen are telling the truth. Steve said that it depends. He said they do get the tapes and they will try to make a deal with them. He said if the tape is out there it will end up on the internet. Howard said that Pam Anderson lost a lot because the tape got out and she hadn't made a deal. Steve said he thinks that's why they see a lot of them being released now. Howard asked if Kim was in on her tape from the beginning. Steve said she did not want to put that tape out. He said that it was going to be released on the internet but they were able to make a deal and it was probably the best deal he ever made. He said that has produced tens of millions of dollars and it continues today. Howard asked if she still gets checks. Steve said he can't say that but he thinks she's happy with the way things turned out.
Howard asked about the Farrah Abraham tape and how well that did. Steve said he had no idea how that was going to play out. He said that the tape has done very well. He said that they got 19,000 joins in the first 24 hours of the tape being released. He said that this is the first celebrity anal tape out there. Howard said he didn't know her at all and he saw the video and it was very sexy. Howard said he got a full erection and came very hard. He said he broke through two of his 3 tissues. Howard said she fucks like a rabbit.
Howard asked Steve if Octomom turned down a million to do a video. Steve said that's true. He said that she did do a masturbation video that he's not sure did very well. He said that they offered her a million and offered to buy a house for her. He said he thought it would be cool to do something for her. He said he wanted to have some Vivid girls be her nanny for a month. He said he wouldn't offer her a hundred bucks to do one now. He said he doesn't think that anyone cares.
Howard asked if he would offer Tan Mom any money. Steve said probably. He said he thinks people would be interested because she's a little nutty. He said the tapes that do the best are the ones with the hottest girls. He said they have to have hot sex and you have to be able to see it. He said if you put it together you have a shot of it being successful.
Howard asked Steve who he has approached with a lot of money and they turned it down. Steve said they offered Pippa Middleton 5 million. He said that would be ridiculous and over the top. He said he can't think of anyone who wouldn't want to see that.
Howard asked Steve what he'd do for a video of him and Robin doing it all. Howard said he'd be doing back door and Robin squirting. Howard said he'd do jug play and everything. Steve said he believes it would be the biggest selling tape ever. Howard said he believes that to. Robin just laughed. Steve said it would probably be worth $15 million. Howard asked if that's each or they'd have to split. Steve said they'd have to figure that out. Steve said it would be a huge seller.
Howard asked how many copies of the Kim Kardashian tapes they sold. Steve said they sold over 100,000 DVDs. He said that's not including the online. Howard said that he and Robin could do better than that. Steve said they'll give them 15 million and they can promote it as much as they can and they should be able to make a lot of money.
Howard asked what he'd do if he could get tape of him and his wife fucking. Steve said that might be worth 10 million. He said he thinks that the tape of Howard and Robin would be worth more.
Howard asked about JD and if he could get money for a sex tape. Steve said maybe a little bit. He said he's known for Howard's show and the truth is that women sell better than men. He said he might give JD $25,000. Howard said they had Steve give a list of who could make what on the show. He said Gary could get $100,000. Fred was right up around that too but Gary beat him out. Howard asked if anyone there would do it. He asked Benjy if he'd do it. Benjy said he wouldn't do it unless it was a couple million. Steve said he'd give him maybe $50,000.
Howard said that he'd pay a lot to see High Pitch Eric and Wendy the Retard doing it. Steve said he would do that in a minute. He said he'd give them 50 grand.
Howard asked if retarded porn is against the law. He said he figured that it would be wrong. Steve said he'd have to research that. Howard told him to get on that.
Howard said Vivid Video is now Vivid Radio on channel 102. Howard asked what the hell they're doing on there. Steve said they have a few things going on. He said the shows will be short so they have a lot of energy. He said they'll talk about what's going on in the industry. He said he's going to do a show and talk about the industry and things like that. Steve said it won't just be about Vivid. He said Dennis Hof will do a show and things like that.
Steve said he would offer a million bucks for Howard to come to L.A. and host their radio for a week. He said they'd bring in every porn star and ever stripper. He said that they'd do that for a week and it would put Vivid on the map forever. Howard said if he has to go to L.A. He won't do it. Howard said he'd rather get back to fucking Robin on tape.
Howard asked Steve what happened with him and Melissa Rivers. Steve said they were friends and it was time to move on. Howard asked if she was a good lay. Steve said he won't talk about that. Howard asked if he and Melissa ever taped each other. Steve said absolutely not. Howard asked what he'd pay for Joan and Melissa to go down on each other. Steve said he'd go to jail for that. He said that's incest and that's illegal.
Howard asked Robin what Steve is worth. Robin said she'd guess 100 million. Howard said she's right. Steve told him not to believe everything he reads. He said Vivid has been around longer than any other video company so something is being done right. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go a short time later. You can find out more about Vivid at Vivid.com or VividCeleb.com.
Howard said he didn't know Playboy radio was gone. Robin said he mentioned some other channel too. Howard said it's nice to know that they can get 15 million out of that guy if it comes down to that. Howard said that his penis is small so it won't hurt when he goes in there with Robin. Howard said what a tape that would be.
Howard said they have this hypnotist guy there. Howard said Sal wanted to do this so they tested him yesterday. He said they did it yesterday and they had Sal weeping. Howard said they had Sal in his dad's pizzeria and he was crying.
Gary said they sent Sal back 5, 10 and 20 years. Then they had him at 10 years old and Sal was balling. He said he was recounting a story about writing on a wall of the pizzeria and he thinks that his dad was beating the shit out of him. Howard said Sal does so many things wrong and he takes a beating over it.
Gary said he just walked by the green room and Sal was either hypnotized or sleeping. Howard said he has to take a break and they'll get to that.
After the break Howard said they have Scott Schmaren is a hypnotherapist. He said that Sal is coming in too because he believes in the afterlife and all of that. Howard said Scott worked with Sal yesterday and he's very workable. Scott said he's very workable. Howard said they'll find out who he was in past lives. Howard said Scott works with people on weight loss and things like that. Howard asked how Scott tries to convince people that this hypnosis thing is real. Scott said he doesn't have to. He said he just lets people have their own experience.
Howard said Sal appears to be relaxed right now. Scott said he's in a relaxed hypnotic state right now. Howard said that he likes him like this. Howard said Scott used to be a fat guy but he used this to lose weight.
Howard asked if he has a book to promote. Scott said he does. He has one called ''Stepping Stones to Success'' and another one coming out soon.
Howard asked Scott if he thinks that a person has to be a dope like Sal to be hypnotized. Scott said he doesn't think that's it at all. He said a lot of people drive to work and don't even realize what's going on. He said that they are driving hypnotized.
Howard had Scott do his thing. Scott took Sal back to a place they talked about before. Scott had Sal step through a doorway in this place he brought him to and he asked Sal to see what he was seeing as if it were on TV. Sal was seeing mountains and they were in front of him and all around him. He said he could see Pterodactyls. Scott asked where he saw himself. Sal said he was on the sand in front of the water and he was digging. Sal said he was a turtle and he was digging a hole to lay his eggs in. He was a pregnant turtle. Sal said he was worried about where he was.
Scott told Sal to step into the body of that turtle and become the turtle. He asked him what he was experiencing. Sal said he was worried about his eggs and he was looking around to see what was happening. Sal said he was digging a hole behind him but the water was coming up to him. Scott asked what a turtle thinks. Sal said he's not sure if he's in the right place but it's the best he can do. Scott asked what it's like being a turtle. Sal said there is no stress and his duty is to procreate. Scott asked how he feels about the egg thing. Sal said he feels good but he's worried about the eggs. He said he's afraid another dinosaur will eat them. Sal said he knows that spot is safe. He said he's been there before. Scott asked how old he is. Sal said he's not exactly sure. He guessed 67 or 68. Sal said he was grayish and green. He said he had a perfect design on his back and he has a big head that's grayish. He said he has flat feet and his back has a green rim on it with green squares that are identical patterns.
Howard asked if they can believe this fucking guy was a turtle. Scott said he's had these type of things happen before. Howard asked if Scott could bring him to another time when he was something other than a turtle. Scott said he can try.
Scott had Sal go through that doorway again. He asked him to step through and see himself as someone else. Sal saw himself as a prisoner in Ireland. Sal said that he was sitting down in front of a stone room. Scott said he's safe watching from this perspective. Scott said he wanted him to see it as if he's watching a movie. Scott asked Sal not to feel the pain an emotion he's seeing. He asked him what he is in this life. Sal said he's 19 years old and he worked for the church and did something terrible. Sal said he was at the top of the church and threw a brick down and killed someone. Howard said he's a stupid asshole. Sal said he didn't mean to kill him. He said there was a funeral procession going on and he threw the brick down and killed someone.
Scott said he wants to pull Sal out of this and step out of there again. He told Sal he was safe now. Howard said he was much safer now. Howard said it sounds like they were going to torture Sal in that story. Scott said that's what it sounded like.
Scott asked Sal to go back once again. Sal said he was a soul that hasn't been placed yet this time. He said he was complete energy. He said it feels great. Sal said they can all communicate simultaneously. He said it feels wonderful. Sal said he's on a mission. He said the universe is completely separate. He said that they're all together and they all have a mission to be done. He said he's not sure what his mission is. He has no intention of going to earth though. Sal said he's confused and he wants to be where he's at. He said he knows he has to make up his mind and choose a path. Sal said there are many souls going back and forth. Howard said at some point he chose to be a turtle.
Scott asked Sal how he's going to carry this out. Sal said he's not ready to do it yet. Scott asked how he's going to carry this out. Sal said he doesn't know. He said it feels so unbelievable. He said everyone is interconnected and it's simultaneous love. He said everyone is connected and on the same wave.
Howard asked Robin what they're thinking there. Howard said this is crazy. Robin said Sal has hardly had any lives. Howard asked if Scott thinks he's creating a fantasy or did he really have these things happen. Scott said he doesn't know. He said that he just thinks that if you can move on with your life then whatever it happens is good for you.
Howard said Sal came back to earth as a turtle and then he was a slave that threw a brick and killed someone. Gary said that maybe they can take him back to when he was 10 and find out what that was all about. Scott said he can do that.
Scott took Sal through the doorway in his head and then had him close the door. He had him come back to his timeline to this life and go through his childhood. Then he took him to the age of 10. He said he had him remember an amazing time he had about being at a barbecue. He had Sal step into that again. Sal said it was wonderful. He said he was running around with his cousins. He described what was going on that day and what he was seeing. He said he used to break off sheetrock pieces and he'd draw on them in the shed they had. Sal said he was with his cousins doing this in the backyard. Sal said his dad was grilling and his family was there. Sal talked about his grandparents and how his grandfather would bring a bag of candy to them. He said it always had a big red lollipop in it. Sal said he would sit him on his lap and give him candy. Sal said he was in World War II and he was a great man. Sal said he was named after him and he's just the opposite of him. He said he got older and became senile.
Howard said he's had enough of his life. He had Scott bring him out of there. Scott had Sal come out of that time and had him come farther and farther from that time. Howard wondered if his grandfather was a turtle too.
Scott told Sal to stay in his hypnotic state. He said he can fully function though. He said he'll take him out of the hypnosis after they're done in there. Sal had to get a tissue because he was crying. Sal said that he's not proud of the fact that he was a turtle. He said that was it. Robin said he has to recognize that his IQ fits for a turtle.
Howard said that Sal was pure energy at one point. Sal said it was hard to explain. He said he wasn't floating. He said it was just ''being.'' Howard asked Sal if he believes in life after death. Sal said he does believe in the spirit world. He said he saw it all. Howard said he speaks very intelligently when he's under. He said that he knew Ireland was in Europe. He said that doesn't happen usually. Howard asked Robin what she makes of that. Robin said that he knows things but he blocks them out when he wakes up.
Howard asked Fred if he thinks there is any other life. Fred said he doesn't thinks that they understand it in any way and this didn't make it any clearer. He said that he agrees that Sal is much clearer when he's under.
Howard asked Benjy what he thought. Benjy said he was very believable. Robin said the description of what the turtle was doing was very detailed. He said that he was a good mother. Sal said he was a female turtle. Howard said he was worried about his eggs. Sal said he was confident that would be the spot that he laid his eggs. Howard said he has no vocabulary at all and he became a different guy.
Howard asked if this can do permanent damage to his brain. Scott said it won't. Howard said it would be cool if Sal stood up and started laying eggs now on the couch.
Howard asked Scott how they can get in touch with him. Scott said you can find him through UltimateVisionaryMind.com
Sal said he was shocked when he saw himself as a turtle. Howard imagined Ronnie coming back as a chair. Howard asked Scott what the biggest thing that's ever blown his mind about someone. Scott said he had a lady they regressed back who was a concert pianist in a past life. He said they had her sit in front of a piano and she played it. Howard asked why he didn't video tape that. Scott said it was an unexpected thing. Howard said Sal was in Ireland and does anyone's language ever change. Scott said they do that sometimes. Howard said that if you're a guy who was in another land then you should be able to speak the language. Howard said that would prove to him that there is a previous life.
Robin asked Sal if he was upset when he killed someone with a brick. Howard said he was crying. Scott said he was. Sal said he was in big, big trouble. He said he knew what was going on there. Howard said Sal is always in trouble. Howard said he was a turtle in a previous life. That's what they learned today. Sal said he was an altar boy and a turtle.
Howard gave Scott some plugs for his web site and book. He asked if he thinks he could help him get the voices out of his head. Scott said he thinks he can. Howard asked if he thinks that he can help him lift more weight at the gym. Scott said he could probably do that too. Scott said he could stay busy with the whole staff for years. He said he's been listening for 20 years so he has heard a lot.
Howard said you can follow Scott on Twitter @ScottSchmaren too.
Howard said that this is going to keep Sal up at night now. Sal said he'd rather talk to his grandmother instead of finding out he was a turtle.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Fred should play the ''Bullshit'' clip. Howard said Sal was really out. He said he doesn't think it was bullshit. Howard thanked Scott and Sal for what they had just done and went to break a short time later.
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Robin said she thinks Howard is absolutely right. She said that she had a teacher who asked them to close their eyes and think of prehistoric times. She said that's what Sal was doing.
Howard asked Fred if he agrees. Fred said he thinks that he has to look into what turtle dreams mean. Howard asked Benjy what he thinks. Benjy said he thinks there was more to it. He said that he thinks that Sal had a big feeling as he was protecting the eggs. Robin said he was a very low to the ground animal and he had predatory animals above him. Howard said that's just like his real life now.
Howard said he has a bunch of things to play. He said it's Sal day so they'll go to a phony phone call he did. Howard played the clip and Sal was calling a tutor to get help for his son to learn history. In the call Sal called a tutor and asked the tutor about who Winston Churchill was. The tutor gave him the right answer. Sal said she was wrong. He said he was a president. Sal asked her about what the Mayflower was. She gave him the right answer and Sal said she was wrong. Sal told her what he thought happened and the tutor didn't want to deal with him on that so she hung up.
Howard said he's still sure Sal thinks that Winston Churchill was president. Howard said they went back in their time machine and took a clip of Gary the Retard and the late Cliff Palate going to Dallas to talk about the Kennedy assassination. Howard played the clip and it was Cliff and Gary talking to people about that and Gary insisting that it was President Lincoln who was shot there. Howard said he's playing that because the 50th anniversary of the Kennedy assassination is coming up this week.
Howard said people wrote in and said they enjoyed Richard's drinking tips. Howard said he has another one to play. Howard played the clip and Richard said if you drink while you're flying you tip the flight attendants because it keeps them happy and bringing you more drinks. Howard said he has another one too. In that one Richard said that he hates flying in and out of Hethrow because the bar is about a mile away from the gate. He said it's best not to fly in and out of there.
Howard said he had another one from Richard. In that drinking tip Richard said he orders 2 at a time on a flight so you don't have to bother the flight attendant too much. He said that seems to work out great. Howard said he likes that one. He said he's worried about the stewardess and what she's thinking. Howard played another one where Richard said you can get a to-go drink from some bars so that's what he does.
Howard said a lot of people liked Evil Dave Letterman yesterday. Howard said Dave never disappoints. He said that they tape him rehearsing in Chicago. Howard said Dave practices and practices. He did very well until he got to the word fellatio. Howard played some of the rehearsal audio and Dave was trying to get fellatio right but he kept saying it wrong over and over and over.
Howard said Abe Kanan sits with Dave and helps him out. He said he may have wanted him to screw up that fellatio word. He said he'll have to ask Abe about that next time they talk to him.
Howard said a few Baba Booey songs came in. He played one from Psych who was singing about Gary coming in sick. Howard played another parody called ''My Guys'' which was about Gary saying that he has his own team back there. That Sal singing that one.
Howard said the boys went out on the street and did some interviews. Howard said they told people the Jews were celebrating Hanukkah on Thanksgiving. Howard said people were not happy about that. Howard played some of the people's responses to that. One woman was going off on the Jews saying they're annoying and whiny and they should stop ruining their holidays. Howard played another one where a person on the street said ''Fuck the Jewish'' and they should just move Hanukkah.
Howard said he's doing Letterman tomorrow night. He said he was thinking of growing a Hitler moustache and saying that Hitler ruined the whole thing. Howard said that Charlie Chaplin had one until Hitler came to power. He said he wanted to bring the moustache back. Howard said he's never done it but he'd like to. He said it's too late now. He said he needs months to grow his moustache.
Howard said he'd doing Letterman tomorrow and he's not preparing. Howard said he prepares for the people he interviews. He said that Dave should be the one asking him questions. He said he has to do a pre-interview and he hates doing that. Howard said he just wants to have a conversation with Dave. Howard said he doesn't want the pressure on him.
Robin said Kim Kardashian was in the paper because she was wearing a see through top. Howard said that it's embarrassing. He said she does nothing. He said Lady Gaga was right when she said it's an embarrassment they put them in the same category. Howard said that he was thinking of changing outfits on Letterman too. He said he will be on Dave's show tomorrow.
Howard said a lot of people don't like Hanzi on the show anymore. Howard read some of the feedback he got about him. Howard said that people are just fed up with him. Someone wrote in and said they should keep him on though.
Howard played more street interviews Sal and Richard did with people about the Jews and thanksgiving. The people they were talking to believed what they were saying and didn't like it. Howard said a lot of people are upset with the Jews after hearing that. Howard said that it's the Jew's evil plot to take over Thanksgiving. Howard said they were pointing out that the Jews were selfish and greedy. He said he's never heard that before.
Howard said Jon Leiberman has told them about how Lisa G talks to the radio and it's hard for him to concentrate. Howard said he has some tape of Lisa responding to his announcement that he's returning to AGT. Howard played the clip and Lisa was answering for Howard and saying he was going to announce that he was going back. Lisa kept talking and talking and saying that her heart was racing. Lisa was laughing and cheered when Howard made his announcement. Robin said that's amazing. Howard said Jon and Shuli want quiet in there and that's what they hear. He said they say this goes on throughout the show. Howard said Lisa is happy as a clam. Howard said he just made Lisa very happy. Howard had to take a break. He said that he had to give away tickets to the birthday bash too. Howard said he has been very busy with nothing today. Fred kept playing a clip of Sal saying that he's ''a turtle, a big fat turtle.''
Howard said that they have a great birthday bash coming up. He said he has more guests to announce as they go along. Howard said you can enter through HowardStern.com or SiriusXM.com. Howard said they hope it won't crash today. Howard said they hope it'll get better like the Obamacare web site.
Howard said he has the top 5 songs to play. He said the number 5 song is Avicii and that song never did go to number 1. Howard said number 4 is Katy Perry's ''Roar.'' Number 3 was Miley Cyrus' ''Wrecking Ball.'' Howard said that number 2 was Eminem featuring Rihanna. Number 1 was Lorde with ''Royals.'' Howard said she's only 17 years old. Howard let that play a little bit and then went to break.
The caller said that Robin helped put a smile on her face when she came back. She said the show gives her a smile when she listens. Howard said that means a lot. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said this guy Rob Ford is a one man wrecking machine. He said he has some tape of the guy from the Today show and other things. He said that he is the mayor of Toronto and he's been filmed with crack and drinking and he seems out of control. Howard said the latest thing is that they took away powers from him and he got up and looked like he was attacking someone.
Howard said this first clip is Rob Ford going off on a reporter. Ford was saying that he feels bad he made a mistake but that's all he did. He said he isn't a crack addict but he smoked it once a year ago. He said he hasn't smoked it in over a year. Howard said the guy starts out slow but then he gets crazy.
Howard said Ford's brother Doug is another one. He tired to calm Rob down. Howard said the guy says he's not addicted to the crack. He said he isn't a regular user.
Howard said that there seems to be a lot of city council meetings up there lately. Howard said Rob slips in a plug for his show during this one. He played the clip and Rob asked people to listen to him on his radio show and they'll hear more from him unfiltered. they cut off his microphone at one point but he kept talking like Benjy does when Howard cuts his microphone off.
Howard asked what he was saying there. He said he was saying something about going to war like he's the United States and they're Iran after they attacked Kuwait or something like that.
Howard played another clip where Rob Ford stood up and looked like he was attacking a woman but wasn't. The reporters were saying it looked like he attacked her but they weren't sure how aggressive that was. Howard said he didn't attack her but that's what it looked like he was doing.
Howard said he has so many clips. He said he's not sure how much more Robin wants to hear. Robin said he was on the Today show. Howard had some of that interview to play. He played a clip where Matt Lauer asked if he's capable of handling an attack up there if that happens. Rob said that could happen to anyone at any time. He said Matt could go out and get blasted at 3 in the morning and something could happen to his family. Matt said that he's not responsible for millions of lives like Ford is.
Howard said that the AGT auditions are going on now. He said this is the initial auditions but not where they see the judges.
Howard got back to the clips and said that he has some audio of Rob and his brother Doug doing a radio show. Howard played that clip and Rob said he is changing the way he does things. Howard said the guy looks so much like Chris Farley. Howard said Chris would be screaming for his role. Howard said he's not sure how much more of this he can play. He said he thinks that he's done. Howard said JD gave him 15 minutes of tape. JD said the second clip is only 28 seconds. Howard played that one. Rob was talking about how he urinated in a park and did something else two years ago. He said they're bringing all of this stuff up now.
JD said the whole show was a propaganda piece for Rob Ford. Robin said they had discussions about brothers a few weeks ago and this guy Doug is a good brother. He's sticking up for his brother. Howard said that's such a weird accent they have.
Howard said he heard JD on the Wrap Up Show and he wasn't upset that he gave him a low score. He said that he should have given Ronnie a 10. JD said he misunderstood what the guidelines were. Howard said he answered it honestly. JD said he loves Howard and he loves Ronnie. Howard said he understands that. Howard said he was surprised that he didn't give Ronnie a 10. JD said he doesn't socialize with him as much as Jon Hein and Richard. He said he texts with Jon like crazy. He said it's not about liking him more. He said this is just how he interacts with people.
Howard said he came in 4th yesterday but he fired 3 people to make sure he stays number one. Howard said next week they're all going to kick each other. Howard said Scott the Engineer will be the first one to get in the kicking booth. Robin said she doesn't have to go to the Christmas party this year because she doesn't need to be around people who hate her.
Howard said he's been in therapy for 3 days a week for over 15 years now. He said that he hasn't changed much. Howard said Rob Ford was talking about going into therapy and that's not going to help.
Howard said they got a plethora of great Robin songs yesterday. He said he was laughing so hard. Howard said they're so beautifully written and executed. Howard played one called ''Suck My Schlonga.'' Robin said that's awful. Howard said this might be the best one he's heard in a long time. It's written by Eli Braden and it's called ''Massive, Giant and Brown.'' Howard played that one for Robin. Howard said he was listening to lots of songs and that one set a new standard. He said he was giggling listening to that one. He said it was 7 last night and he just wanted to watch Homeland. He said it came on and he was like ''This is something else.'' He said the song is fantastic. He said you have to be blown away by Eli's dedication. Howard said that he had another great one by Eli too. He played that one and said that this guy thinks about Robin 24/7. He said that she did ''Semen Sprayed Robin'' after that. Howard said this guy is something else. Robin asked why he has so many coming in at once. Howard said he's a top guy with these songs. He said Psych is too. Howard played a new one from Psych after that. Howard said he had another one too. He played a little bit of that one. Howard said that all of these guys are great.
Robin read a story about Shia Lebouf and how his uncle borrowed $800,000 and he hasn't paid him back. Robin said they've gone to court and the judge is asking them to come to an agreement. Robin said the uncle claims that Shia and his mother sponged off of him before Shia became famous.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he heard there's a big announcement that he's going to be on Entertainment Tonight about something. He asked if that's because of his AGT thing. Howard said he doesn't know anything about it. Howard said Beth got a call from Entertainment Tonight. He said they chose her for some honoring. Howard said he hopes he's not speaking out of school. He said they're doing a piece on her. Howard said maybe they're hyping it with that. Howard said he is going back to America's Got Talent so maybe they'll mention that too. The caller asked if he could come to his birthday show. He said he'll fly out for it. Howard said it's the hottest ticket in town. Howard mentioned some of the guests they have coming that night. Howard said the guy is begging. The caller, Nick, said he had a heart attack 3 years ago and he's trying to avoid that. Howard asked if he's fat. Nick said he's not. He said it's a hereditary thing.
Howard said he's going to give Nick a chance to win. Nick said this is going to be huge for him. Howard said he has to listen to this clip. Howard played a clip and it was a clip of a guy saying ''Oprah Winfrey...'' and Nick had to complete what he said. Nick said ''Negro woman from the south'' and he was right. Howard said he just won tickets. Nick sounded pretty excited about that. Nick said he doesn't know what to say right now. He said he's shaking. He said he can't believe it. Nick said he met Howard in San Francisco and he gets to meet him again. Howard said he's a terrific guy and he knows him from many phone calls. He said he's looking forward to spending the night with him.
Nick thanked Steve Brandano for putting him through to Howard. Howard said you can play this game at HowardStern.com too... but you don't win tickets. Nick said he doesn't believe it. He said he's stoked. He said this is the biggest thing in his life. Howard said Gary had better come through for this guy. Gary said that the guys back there say that he's a really good caller. Nick said he's called in over 100 times. He said Howard keeps putting him through and it means a lot. Howard asked who Nick is going to bring with him. He said he's bringing his buddy Matt with him. He said he's a big fan too. Howard said that Nick says ''Negro'' in a way that's too close to another N-word. He said he has to get that ''nee'' in there. He let Nick go and did a live commercial read.
Robin read a story about the Oxford dictionary announcing the word of the year. Robin said the word is ''Selfie.'' Robin said Twerk and Binge Watch were words that were in the running. Robin said Selfie was the word of the year. Howard said he thinks that pregnant turtle will win next year.
Robin read a story about a scientology center that opened. It's a $145 million cathedral. Robin said that Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Kelly Preston were there for the opening. Howard said that list of celebrities hasn't gotten much better over the years. Howard said they're the only ones who show up.
Howard tested Robin to see if she's good at the game where he plays a clip and she has to finish the lines. He gave her Ham Hands Bill's song parody entry and she had to finish a line. Robin wasn't able to finish the line. Howard replayed it and gave her some hints. Robin said ''Daddy is coming in...'' but that's all she had. Howard said she was so close. Howard said it was ''Daddy's coming in with the Vaseline.'' Howard said she was so close. Howard said she'll get this one. He played Little Lupe saying ''My pussy...'' and Robin quickly said ''is like a machine.''
Robin asked Howard what he would do if NFL football went away. Howard said it wouldn't affect him at all. Howard said the game should be outlawed. He said guys are dying and getting brain damage from playing. Robin said that they're saying that people can rent an antenna from this company Aereo so people can get their local channels and pay a fee for the antenna. Robin said that it's less than you'd pay for cable. Howard said he doesn't like Barry Diller and it's his company. Howard said he runs into the guy once in a while and he acts like he doesn't know him. He said they look at him like he's a pregnant turtle. Robin said they say that the NFL is afraid that they could be under threat if this company is allowed to flourish. Robin said they're trying to stop the company from getting a toe hold in the industry. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about George Zimmerman getting arrested again. Robin said that Zimmerman's girlfriend claims he pulled a gun on her and smashed a table. Howard said you'd think that he'd lay low after the Trevon Martin case. Robin said that this guy has been involved in this kind of thing before. Robin had some audio of George talking about what happened. She had some audio of the girlfriend's 911 call too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he just saw Beth on FOX 5 and she looks fantastic. Howard said they have a big North Shore Animal League gala coming up on Friday and she's out promoting that. The caller said Howard gets to walk around with a beauty like that and who would have ever thought that.
Howard said Beth is very busy with the animals and promoting that stuff. Howard said she feels good about him doing AGT. He said she's going to be supportive of whatever he does. Howard said it's not great to call in and talk about how ugly he is.
Howard said that they took in this blind cat Bella. Howard said that some human being knocked her eyes out. He said that they took one out completely. He said that the cat walks into walls all day. He said she's very sweet though. He said they now have 5 cats. He said they had 2 people who wanted the cat. Howard said Beth feels the cat needs her so they held on to her. Howard said happy wife happy life. He said it's enough already though. Howard said other people are going to have to take the hard cases. He said they've taken in 46 kittens and adopted them out. Howard said now they have 5 of their own and on is blind.
Howard took a call from Hook Nose Mike who said he has to thank him for re-signing with AGT. He said he loves watching with his kids. Howard said he saw Mike in Tampa when he was down there. Howard said he had so much fun with the friendly anti-Semite. Mike asked if he had tickets to his birthday show. Howard said he only had one set to give away today. Howard told him to call back tomorrow.
Mike said his wife asked him what he's going to do when Howard retires. He said he doesn't know. Mike said his wife said she'll be there for him. Howard said he had the chance to stay away from AGT this year but look at him, he's right back in. He said he may never retire.
Robin read a story about Dick Cheney. She said she's been watching a lot of documentaries about what went on with him and President Bush. Howard said Cheney was running the whole thing. He said that Bush started to grow up toward the end of the whole thing. Howard said that Cheney wanted that war. Howard said as long as he doesn't have to fight it he wants it. Robin said that his family now has some issues. Robin said that his daughter Liz came out against gay marriage even though her sister is gay. Howard said that's so insulting.
Robin read about a reverend who might be defrocked from his church after performing a gay marriage ceremony for his son in 2007. Robin had some audio of someone responding to that.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she thought the story they were doing on Entertainment Tonight is about how Beth changed Howard. Howard said she put the fire out on his dick. Howard said he doesn't walk around wanting to fuck other women now. Howard said he's very satisfied with his sex life and he enjoys it with her. The caller asked Howard about what he's doing with his TV show. Howard said he's not at liberty to say. He said he can't talk about that yet. He said the TV show plans will be vast and his business plans will become known to all in the next year.
The caller said that Howard TV just put up a couple of old shows that are great. Howard said that stuff is being phased out and then they'll see what's next.
The caller asked why they're only giving male subscribers tickets. Howard said that's not true. She asked if they'll be able to meet him there. Howard said he can't sit there and bullshit with people. He said they'll be doing a show. Howard said he'll be there in front of you doing a show. Howard said it's a small theater and it'll be crazy. Howard said David Letterman is coming and that never happens. He said that's why he's going on Dave's show tomorrow night. Howard went into a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about the tornado that ripped through Illinois the other day. Robin said they were EF4 tornados.
Robin read a story about the 150th anniversary of Lincoln's famous Gettysburg address. Robin had some audio of Kirk Cameron and some other celebrities reading some of that speech.
Robin read about a Washington DC man who was stuck by random gunfire but his wallet and cell phone may have saved his life. Robin had some audio of the guy talking about how he was shot and the bullet was in his sweatshirt. Robin said the bullet was stuck in his wallet and destroyed his cell phone.
Howard said someone wrote to him about how they were sick of his liberal views about stop and frisk. Howard said that's not a liberal view. Howard said that's a conservative thing. Howard said that liberals don't want it.
Robin said that stores may not be as busy as they think on Black Friday. Robin said they say that the numbers may be down this year from last year according to a poll. Robin read the details of that poll and what they found.
Robin read about a judge who is refusing to lower the bond for a child abuse case. Robin said a child was hand cuffed to a porch with a dead chicken around his neck. Robin said that the mother and her boyfriend are being held on $500,000 bond.
Robin read about a woman who was arrested last month for allegedly ripping her son's scrotum and trying to glue it back together with super glue. Howard wondered how that happens. Robin said she has no idea. The father of the child is in the process of divorcing the woman.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if his parents passed away if he'd be able to do the show. Howard said he thinks he can do the show the next day. He said he's not going to sit there with them if they die. Howard said if he breaks up about it then he'll do it on the air. Robin said she did the show but that's a different story. Howard said she was doing the dance of love when her father died. Howard said he'll just bury his parents on the weekend. Howard said he won't allow himself to take time off. Howard asked if she thinks he's Gary or something. Howard said he won't even tell them if they pass away. He said he won't say unless Robin asks. Howard said he was going to knock on wood but there was none in there. He had to look around for some.
Robin said that there's a warning out for people who have Hearing Aids. Robin said they say that some of the devices are not FDA approved. Robin said some of them can be dangerous to use.
Robin read about the 2014 Corvette Stingray being named the automobile of the year by Automobile magazine. Robin had some audio of the editor of the magazine talking about that. Howard said she has a deeper voice than most of the guys on the show. Howard asked Fred what his favorite car is right now. Fred said the corvette is good. He said it's a good value for the money. Howard said he and Ronnie were looking at a new Audi. He said Ronnie knows what it was. Ronnie said it was the S8. He said the new Mercedes S class is great too. Gary said he has an A6 Audi and he loves it. Ronnie said the Corvette is cool. Robin said she still has her Z-06 but she can't take it out in the rain. Ronnie said he knows someone who wants her car if she ever wants to get rid of it.
Robin read a story about Justin Bieber who is putting out a song a week. Robin said he has a new one called ''PYD'' that he did with R. Kelly. Howard said he heard Justin has a big penis. He said that porn star who slept with him said that. Robin had some of the song and had Howard play that.
Robin read a story about Kanye West being upset about the President using him. Robin said he was on a radio show talking about that. Robin had the audio of that. They wrapped up and ended the show a short time later. They were done around 10:30am.
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After the break Jon came back and said that they're still trying to figure out the problem. Gary wondered if it sounds weird to just them or the audience too. They were still having problems.
Jon said that Sal was more than willing to participate in the post regression hypnosis today. Jon asked what made him want to go ahead with it and if he was scared of what he would find. Sal said he wasn't scared. He said he wanted to find out what happened. Gary said that Sal was a slave and he killed someone. He said that reminded him of a movie.
Sal said he can't believe that he was a turtle. He said the water was beautiful and the mountains were perfect. He said it was like the world was just created. He said he wasn't sure what he was at that moment. He said he figured out that he was the turtle as the scenario played out.
Benjy said it sounded like Sal was doing something right and he was doing the best he could to take care of his eggs. Sal said that he knew what he was doing and why he was there. He said he knew why he chose that area. He said he was laying a lot of eggs and he could see the eggs coming out his back end.
Benjy said he thinks there's a mythology about turtles creating the universe. Gary asked if he thinks that it was something he created in his mind or was it something that he thinks happened. Sal said he doesn't know. He said he knows what he saw and what he felt. Gary said maybe it's something in the back of your mind that you just create. Sal said he'd never think to create something like that. He said he knows nothing about turtles. He said he saw Jurassic Park but he doesn't know anything about those times.
Sal said he had the frame of mind of a turtle. Jon asked him to explain that. Sal said he knew his role and that he had planned that area. He said he was there in that situation and he knew that he had picked out that area for a reason. He said that he knew his eggs would be safe there. He said that may be why that one pterodactyl was there. He said the water was almost still. Jon asked why he was disappointed when he came out of it then. Sal said it was just stupid. He said it might be perceived as kind of dumb.
Sal said that he just knew he was going to get on the table when he was the slave guy. He said he knows that he was on top of a church and he threw a brick down and it killed someone. He said it was an accident. Gary said he made it sound like he did it on purpose. Sal said he did push it on purpose. He said he wasn't trying to kill someone.
Jon asked Sal about the time where he was just a soul. Sal said he felt that he had to pick a mission and he had to either have it assigned to him or assign it to himself. He said this stuff is like what he read about in Theresa Caputo's book. Sal said he had no desire to leave that moment because it felt so good.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Sal is funny and all but this turtle thing is ridiculous. Benjy said most turtles today are descendants of him.
Jon said that Sal could be accessing part of his brain that you don't normally access. He said that he commends Sal for doing that today. He said you can get into some pretty deep stuff in there. Gary said he doesn't think that he has any past lives and Sal just made it up. He heard that Sal is meeting with the hypnotist again tomorrow. Sal said he is. He said he works with people to help them out. Sal said he lives in Chicago so he's going to be around for just another day tomorrow. Sal said yesterday was very therapeutic and he's hoping he can help tomorrow. Sal said that the scene is so vivid when you're there. He said that it's an interesting experience.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that when the guy broke Sal out of his state Sal seemed very natural before he even came out of it. He said it seems kind of goofy to him. Sal said that he didn't even hear him say that he had to bring him out of the state. He said that he went through another technique in the green room with him and that was it. He said when you're under hypnosis you know what's going on but you're in a relaxed state of mind. He said it lets you focus.
Jon asked if he knew he said he was a pregnant turtle. Sal said he never heard that. He said it makes perfect sense though. Sal said he just realized what he was and said he was a turtle.
Jon asked if anyone there believes in this as strongly as Sal does. Benjy said he thinks there could be something to it. Gary didn't seem to believe it. Benjy said maybe it just seemed like a turtle and it wasn't really a turtle. Sal said he was able to see a shell.
Sal talked about how he has a dog and he knows it will live maybe 16-19 years. He said the dog is 9 now and he thinks about how it's going to leave him when he's around 54 and it kills him.
Sal said when he was the turtle he was fully aware of what was going on around him. He said they have feelings just like a human being. Benjy asked if that would make him be a vegan. Sal said no way. He said he likes meat. Sal said killing animals for sport is wrong. He said eating them for food is fine. He said he enjoys meat. Benjy asked if he would eat turtle. Sal said no. He said he went to a turtle farm once and maybe that's where this came from. Sal said they had turtle soup at this turtle farm so he found that kind of odd. Jon said maybe that's where all of that turtle talk came from. Sal said maybe it is. They had to go to break after that.
Jon asked Gary about Howard talking about his looks and how he got over them and showed that he could do a good job. Gary said that he never thinks that's a great looking guy but there are guys who are uglier than him.
Gary said he and Howard were emailing last night and he said he may have been overly sensitive. He said he gets mad at himself for how mad he gets. Gary said Howard is just fucking with him and he can't get out of that. He said that he's so obviously fucking with him and he can't get over that.
Sal said he's had it stick with him for days when Howard does that to him. Jon asked how long that can last. Sal said when he wanted to sleep over at Howard's house that stuck with him for a long time. He said they were looking at him like he was a stalker and an asshole. He said that's hard to get over. Sal said he gets why they had so much fun with it.
Jon asked Sal to explain why he feels that way. Sal said he was wrong because he overestimated Howard. He said he didn't think it would be a big deal to sleep over at his house. He said he was a fan for so long and he perceived their relationship wrong. He said he had the balls to ask him to do something for him. He said he thinks that it was bad timing. Sal said he doesn't think Howard would do it now. He said he knows he could stay at Gary's house if he got stuck in Connecticut and Gary is his boss.
Gary said the interesting thing about Sal was the detail he got into when he was talking about staying with Howard. Benjy said that ''stalker'' has negative connotations. He said Sal didn't cross that line. Sal said it was funny for everyone else but it wasn't fun for him. He said you can't get caught up in that stuff. He said he loves when Gary wears a mask on the show but he knows Gary doesn't like it. Gary said he does it for the show but he doesn't like it.
Sal said Jason told him the more it hurts the funnier it becomes. Sal said that helped him get over it. Gary said he used to get mad about the mask thing when they'd do the Sybian thing. He said that someone would point out that he forgot to put it on and then Howard would explain to the girl that they did that because he was so heinous looking that they didn't want to distract the TV audience.
Shuli asked which mask was Gary's favorite. Gary said none of them are his least favorite but the Welder's mask is very hard to see out of. Gary said the mask that almost killed him was a diving bell helmet. He said it had to weigh like 50 pounds. He said he pulled it off at one point and said he was killing himself there.
Jon moved on to talk about the sex tape talk they had. He said that Gary's sex tape was worth more than Fred's. Gary said he thinks he has a tiny bit more visibility than Fred does. He said he might pick up a few extra people that picked up his book.
Jon said when you think about the sex tapes whose would you be most interested in seeing. Gary said it would have to include a woman. He said Sal's wife and Benjy's girlfriend would be nice to see. Gary said he can imagine the face Christine has to make to have sex with Sal. Sal said the sex is fine. Ronnie said he loves the way he says it with such enthusiasm.
Jon asked Ronnie if he would ever make a tape. Ronnie said maybe. Gary asked if anyone in there has done that. Ronnie said maybe and Shuli said he knows Ronnie has. Gary said he came close to setting up the camera but he didn't do it.
Benjy said he thinks that a Beth and Howard tape would sell more than a Howard and Robin tape. Jon asked Sal if he would want to make a tape. Sal said he doesn't want to see himself banging. he said he would like to see Mary Dell'Abate though. He said he'd eat the lining right out the sample.
Gary said that Kenneth Keith Kallenbach made a porn movie and it was very strange to look at. He said that's because he was someone he knew. He said it just wasn't comfortable to watch. Sal said it's not fun to watch something like that because you know them.
Sal asked Jon what he would like to see as far as porn. Jon said he's not sure. He said the staff thing would be difficult to watch. He said it would be too odd for him. Gary said Will's wife is attractive but he has no desire to see Will naked.
Jon said that they mentioned a couple of guests for the birthday show. David Letterman was one. Jon asked how Howard is feeling about going on Letterman. Gary said that it should be good. He said Howard hates those pre-interviews. He said that Howard used to lie in those things but now he just says that he and Dave know what they're doing.
Jon said Howard also announced that he's doing AGT again. He said Howard will be on for another season. Gary said he really wasn't sure what was going to happen today. He said that he was almost positive he wasn't going to do it. Ronnie said he thought that too because he didn't want to travel so much. Gary said he thinks that the grind won't be so bad this time for him.
Jon said they had to end the show. Ronnie wondered how it felt getting banged as a turtle. Sal said he really doesn't know. He didn't feel that. Jon let the guys get in their plugs and then ended the show around 11:15am.
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Howard started the show talking about the big show they had coming up today. Howard said he's wondering about how the Letterman show is put together. He said he was told to show up at 4:30 to tape the show today. He said he rearranged his schedule to make sure he freed up his day for this. He said he had it all set up but then he got a call while they were on the air and his agent asking him to show up yesterday. Howard said he couldn't just cancel his plans. He said his agent told him not to worry about it. Howard said then he got a call asking him to tape the show at 6:30 today. He said he couldn't do that either. Then they changed it to 3 o'clock today. Howard said he has a life and he can't just change his schedule like that. Then they changed it to 3:30. He said they have some situation going on over there.
Howard said he did the pre-interview and they tell him that his show won't air until Friday night. Howard said he wanted out after that. Howard said it's not a good night to be on TV on Friday. He said that they're basing that on the radio ratings they used to get. Howard said Thursday was the day to do the best show and get the best guests. Howard said he'd rather be in TV with the ratings. He said radio ratings are absolutely kooky.
Howard said the 6-10 morning shows was a completely arbitrary thing. He said he figured there was some science behind it but there really isn't. He said they just came up with that number. Howard said the scheduling was just random. He said it didn't make any sense. Howard said the whole thing was crazy and the ratings ruled your life if you were in radio.
Howard said the craziest part is that the ratings didn't come out for at least a month. He said sometimes it was 3 months. He said that the monthly's were always wrong. He said they had some kind of crazy math they'd used to figure all of this out. He said it's nothing you can control either. He said you have to hope someone is paying attention to the diaries. Howard said you know that the people at Arbitron aren't doing it the right way. He said just look around and look at your co-workers.
Howard said that it did end up working for them though. He said that he was so afraid that they wouldn't count his ratings. He said the worst was when the ratings would come out and the program director would say that he was going to Annapolis to see the ratings. Howard said they'd go there to count and read the comments. Howard said they'd get together with some of the management and go to see the analysis. Howard said they would come back and you'd be worried about what they read. Howard said they'd tell him what the fans did and didn't like. Howard said the whole thing was insane and it would make you insane.
Howard said if there was a mistake and he got fired it's the end of a career. Robin asked why they were so intent on listening to the comments of the people sitting at home. Howard said it didn't matter. He said they were like gods if they filled out a diary. Howard said he never had time to fill one out. He said he was busy working.
Howard said he had a DJ come to him at one point and he said he had 7 diaries. Howard said he told the guy he had to report it. Howard said he wanted to make a big play for ratings.
Howard said they would have big meetings about what they were doing at the station. He said that they would pick the time like 7:40am. Howard said he would ask why that is and they'd say that's the most important time to do it. Howard said their ratings were awful but they did their analysis and figured that's where they should do it. Howard said it was crazy.
Howard said they'd have them playing certain records at a certain time. Howard said they'd come out with the music list and then his career depended on whether Journey can capture the audience. Howard said he'd look at the list and say he hates a song. He said he'd complain about hearing it the day before a bunch of times. Howard said he would change the list and make it his own. Howard said a program director would come in and point out he didn't play the right songs. Howard said his paranoia would run deep. He said he wasn't sure if they knew what they were doing or not. Howard said the whole career is nuts.
Howard said they had a short period of time when they were on the air in Toronto and he was thinking about this mayor up there. Howard said he was envious of the way they did the ratings up there. He said it was an instantaneous thing where they'd scan the cars that were driving by. Howard said radio is on in cars and you're not registering how many times you change a station. Howard said you change the channel when a commercial comes on. Howard said up in Canada they were able to tell that they were number 1 the first day they were on the air. Howard said they were able to check that quickly up there. Howard said it totally discounted what he had learned about radio there in the United States. Howard said they were all listening to them. Howard said what they learned is that people take a long time to write down what their preferences are. He said that they also have people who refuse to write down his name. Howard said TV is much more civilized. He said they can measure what you watch with their box. Robin told Howard that they were actually on in Quebec and that's in Ontario.
Howard said that Jon Hein was trying to tell Sal that he wasn't really a turtle. Howard said Sal was basically talking about a dream. Howard said this was all lost on Sal. He said he thought he'd be more than a turtle in a past life. Howard said that's the way Sal thinks about himself and he doesn't get that.
Howard said they were trying to get through to Sal that he wasn't really a turtle. Howard said he said hello to Sal this morning and called him a turtle. He said Sal just sighed.
Howard said they were talking to Sal when he first started there and he used to be part of the Wack Pack. Howard said Sal began to have fantasies about spending the night at his home. Howard said Sal was going to ask to stay at his apartment and they were going to watch TV. Howard said Sal had this fantasy life in him and Jon Hein brought it up to him yesterday. Howard said Sal was right back there with him. He said Sal still doesn't understand it even after all this time. Howard said Sal doesn't get why he doesn't want him in his apartment.
Howard played a clip of Jon and Sal talking about that apartment thing. Sal was talking about how he didn't know Howard that well back then. Howard cut it off and said that he still wouldn't have Sal at his apartment. Howard said Sal doesn't get it. He said Sal used to jerk off to his aunts naked in the bathroom. Gary said he's also the guy who took his friend's young daughter's underwear and sniffed it. Howard said it's not a good idea to have Sal in his house.
Robin said there's a sign that says ''Authorized Personnel Only'' and it's there because they're the only ones authorized to be around him. Howard said Sal thinks he used to be a turtle. Howard said Gary told Sal he was a very good turtle. Robin said he was loving with those eggs.
Howard said they wanted him to tape at 3 but he'd have to move things around. Gary said Jennifer Lawrence was supposed to be on last night and Howard is being bumped for her. Howard said they asked him to tape at 6 today but he can't do that. Mariann said she has to take the train and bus into the city today. Howard told her to come at 2:30.
Jon Hein came in and said that Jennifer Lawrence didn't do the show yesterday. He said they're putting her on tonight and Howard will be on Friday. Howard said she probably insists that she be on today since her movie is coming out. Jon said that's why they're moving Howard to Friday night. Howard said he's not sure why they're bothering him with this. He said that they're all worked up over Jennifer. Howard said he has to say that he doesn't like it. Howard said he feels second class now. Jon said Howard would be on tonight if Jennifer was on last night. Howard said he's doing this because he wants Dave to come to his birthday show. He said he's not sure why they keep moving things around though.
Howard said he was watching Rob Zombie on Jimmy Kimmel's show where Rob was dressed in clown make up. He said that dude is like the best looking dude. Robin asked if he really thinks that. Howard said he wishes he could have that look. He said he looks insane. Robin agreed with him on that. Howard said he likes that look. Howard asked if anyone else feels that way. Robin said that Adam Levine was voted the sexiest man alive though. Howard said he thinks that Rob Zombie should be the sexiest man alive.
Howard said when he looks at guys he thinks he'd like to look like Rob Zombie. Howard said his wife is pretty hot. Robin said that's just one person who went for that. Howard said he could get any girl looking like that. Robin said no one is talking about him like they talk about George Clooney. Howard said Robin would blow Rob and George. Howard said Rob has a good look.
Howard said Trent Reznor ruined his look. He said he had that Rob Zombie kind of look and he thought it was a good look for a rock and roll guy. Howard said now the guy is all clean cut. Howard said he now has a crew cut. He said he gets up and sings those songs now and it's not the same. Howard said that the new Nine Inch Nails album is good though. He said that he loved it better when that guy looked like a maniac.
Howard said you have to work on your look when you're a rock star. He said that Trent has arms bigger than a tree trunk. He said he has big Popeye arms. Robin said he used to be emaciated. Howard said he did look ill in the past. Howard said he hit the gym and now he looks like Popeye. He said his biceps are huge. Howard said he's like Trent Reznor as Bane in Batman.
Howard said there were a bunch of articles about him returning to America's Got Talent. Howard said that someone wrote that it was very kind of him to do that since they moved the whole production across the country for him. Howard said that's an interesting comment. He asked who is thinking like that. Robin said it's just another person who is jealous of him. Howard said it's just a job. He said he signed up for AGT and it's not that big of a story. He said most people are upset he was even offered the job. Howard said people want him to fail all the time.
Howard said one reporter said that he's making even more money like it's too much. Howard said he's not sure why they worry about him making money. He said they only do this with him. He said they don't do it with Tom Cruise or anyone like that.
Howard played a clip from a news report where they were talking about re-signing with AGT for a third season. Howard said she has that voice that Gary has. Robin said Gary is still wearing the mask today. Howard said Gary almost passed out in the meeting they had yesterday. Gary said he had to take it off to breathe. Howard said surgeons have to wear those things for 12 hours at a time. He said he's not sure why Gary can't do it for an hour. Howard said he appreciates him wearing that and wearing gloves. Howard said Gary is sick. Robin said she thought he said he wasn't sick on Monday. Gary said he didn't feel sick on Monday.
Howard told Gary not to fight it. He said he was sick and he should have known it. Gary asked if he should have taken the week off. Robin said no. Howard said he really didn't want to get into this.
Howard said everyone around there is arguing. He said Robin is right. Howard said Gary almost passed out yesterday. He said he appreciated that he did it. He said Gary was coughing and he kept it in with the mask. Howard said they all appreciated that.
Howard said he doesn't want to go through being sick right now. Howard said that was his day yesterday. He said he had to figure out when Letterman wants to tape the show. Howard said just imagine he did that to Letterman and kept changing the time. Howard said he'd say he has a schedule. Howard wadi no one respects him. Howard said he has a career much longer than Jennifer Lawrence. Howard said she's a hot chick and she's the flavor of the week. He said she's a hot chick who will lose her looks.
Howard took a call from Wheels who said that Allison Janney was on Masters of Sex on Showtime and she was topless on the show. Howard said he's a busy guy and he has someone who works for him setting up his TiVo for him. Howard said that the TiVo has been recording the show for him but he has no desire to see the show. Howard said he has no desire to see a show about Masters and Johnson. Howard said he hasn't watched the show at all yet. He said he didn't know Allison was on the show. Howard said she has big tits. Wheels said she doesn't at all. He said she has really small ones. He called Howard Smarty Pants after that. Howard asked if they're in third grade or something. Howard said that Allison had giant ones in his movie.
Wheels said the show is good. He asked Howard if he has a handicapped section at the birthday show. Howard said next thing you know he'll have to put one in. Howard said he'll play a game with him but he has to win or he has to go fuck himself.
Wheels said he'd play. He said he'd come in and let Robin run a catheter in him. He said he has to get that done every few months. He said he can smack his cock and it will get hard. Howard said he has sensation in his cock. Wheels said he does. He said he has pain in his ass too. He said he can feel that all day.
Howard said he's not sure he wants Wheels at his birthday show. He said he's so odd. Howard asked him if he could blow a load and Wheels asked if he swallows. Howard said that's just weird.
Howard wanted to get to the game. He said Wheels has to play Don't Forget the Stern Bits game. He said he has to finish a sound byte he plays. Howard said he should get this one. Howard played the ''I See OJ'' prank call to Peter Jennings. He had to come up with ''This is quite the tenses'' part of the call. Wheels got it wrong and didn't get that part. Howard played the part that he had to get. Wheels said he knows. Howard said he got that one wrong. Wheels said he has short term memory loss. He wanted one more. Howard said he'd give him one more chance. Howard played the clip which was a Beetlejuice song and he had to come up with ''he knows he's the best''. Wheels came up with something close enough that Howard gave him the tickets. Howard said he just didn't want to do this all day long.
Howard let Wheels go and said they're building a wheelchair ramp for him now. Howard said they may need to build a washroom for him too. Howard said there will be a lot of building at the Hammerstein ballroom.
Howard tested Robin by playing a George Takei song parody where he sings about dreaming of a white penis. Robin said that she thought she knew it but she didn't get it. She had to come up with a line in the song she didn't quite get. Howard played her another song where his dad, Ben, was singing ''Old Man River.'' Robin had to come up with the next line and she got it wrong because Ben got it wrong.
Howard said Scott was so bad at the job that they hired him to do a little kid's party and the kids beat him up and knocked him down on the ground. Howard said it's like a Rodney Dangerfield movie. Howard said you couldn't write something like that. Howard did his impression of Scott singing the ''Hands Up'' song. Howard said they hired him to do that at a party once just to see Scott do that song. Howard said his answering machine message was so great too. Howard played a clip of that and Scott was over compensating. He said that was the most animated he ever heard Scott. Howard said he was overly polite. He said it's like going to an optometrist who has no personality and they've been trained to act like that. He said you know he was suffering through that whole message.
Howard said Scott had a few pleases in there. He said that he used to go through a string of assistants who had to carry his equipment to the parties. Howard said he would find an intern and throw them 50 bucks to do it. Howard said they got wise to that quickly and got out of it. Howard replayed the answering machine message and goofed on Scott for being so nice in it. He said please a bunch of times and thank you a bunch of times too. He ended it with ''Have a wonderful day.'' Howard said the only people hiring him were people who listened to the show and hired him to goof on him. Howard said Scott eventually got sick of the whole thing and stopped going on jobs.
Howard played a clip of Scott doing the Hands Up song. Howard said he wants to make a movie about a sad DJ. Howard said Scott had a black tie thing going and the ultimate humiliation was that he had to learn the hand moves for Hands Up. He said he had the whole choreography going for the song. Howard said it was heart breaking.
Howard asked Scott where his equipment is now. Scott came in and said that he has it at home but it's like 20 years old. He said he had left some of it at K-Rock and they lost it. He said he kept asking for it back but they weren't able to tell him where it was.
Howard asked when he gave up the job. Scott said it was about 8 years ago. Howard asked if he trademarked his company name. Scott said he didn't. He said he was just doing business as... Howard said that someone could steal the name then.
Scott said he has most of his equipment. He lost the turntables though. He said he stopped using those in 1992 or so though. Howard said of all the occupations he could pick he picked that one. He said that's why he invested.
Ronnie came in and Scott told him to get out of there. Ronnie said Scott used to DJ with his cell phone at the block party shows. He said it never worked though. Howard asked how he did that. He said it's like turning on Sirius and calling yourself a DJ. Ronnie said it was so funny. Howard said he sees the guys with the big rigs today. He said they have that EDM movement now and they use computers for that. Ronnie said that they use a laptop.
Ronnie said they hired Scott for the Howard TV party and Joey Boots was his assistant. He said they looked like two penguins dressed in their tuxes. Howard said the best is Scott's answering machine message.
Howard said Scott is around them and he's just trying to figure out how to tap into things. He said he wanted to try to get into the business and he wasn't quite able to do it.
Howard played a clip of Scott doing stand up at a show and trying to tell a joke. Scott was getting heckled and yelled at while he was talking. Howard said Scott probably tells his wife and kid that it's not that hard.
Howard said things were so bad for Scott that he got kicked out of the band they created based on him. That band was The Losers. Howard played more of Scott getting heckled and trying to do his stand up. In the clip Scott said that he was in The Losers and he got kicked out of the fucking band. Howard said he threw in the word fucking to make himself sound contemporary. Howard and Fred were doing impressions of Scott doing his stand up and not getting any laughs.
Howard played more of the tape of Scott bombing on stage. Scot told a bunch of lame jokes about Gary and things like that. Howard said he really has to take a break. He said he'd like to do a show one day where he doesn't take any breaks. He said he just wants to prove he could do it. He sang Hands Up as Scott for a minute and goofed on him a little more before going to break.
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Howard came back and asked what he was listening to. Fred told him what it was. Howard said he did that on Jimmy's show. Howard said he likes it. He said he has to go to one of his shows. Howard said he has that look that's cool. Howard said Fred is also mixing in that coach from yesterday's show.
Howard said that Riley got slammed on his show last night. Howard said the way people get to him is by making gay comments about him and his partner Eron. Howard said Riley will cut them off as soon as they say something like jizzum or something like that. He said Riley isn't good with the comebacks either. He said that it's kind of sad actually. He said it makes Riley crazy too.
Howard played a clip of a caller asking Riley how he can suck a cock if something. Riley cut him off and had a lame comeback for the guy. Riley and Eron both laughed at what Riley said. Howard played another one where a caller asked how he likes the taste of Eron's gooch. Riley had a comeback that didn't make any sense.
Howard said he has the worst comebacks. He said that he doesn't want to hear about jerking off on other guys or anything like that. He said Riley can't even laugh at that shit. Howard said the calls just keep coming though.
Howard played another one where a caller asked Riley about time travel and if he'd regret swallowing Eron's jizz. Riley cut him off and said if he could travel back in time he'd figure out how to not let him on the air. He called the guy a ''smuts'' which Howard figured was a cross between a schmuck and a putz.
Howard played another call where a guy asked Riley about the Bihavians cumming on his son's face. Riley cut him off and said that he'll have a cosmic retribution for what he just said. He said that he may not see what he does but there is a greater power than them all and he will pay. He chuckled after all of that.
Howard said that goes on all night. He said that's the best show on radio. He said if Riley just let it bounce off of him no one would bother him. He said that's what makes him a great entertainer though.
Howard said that Riley got pissed when JD called him up to have sex. Howard had to look for that call. Howard played the prank call JD made to Riley where he asked him to meet up with him in Atlantic City and spend the night with him in his hotel room. JD said he wanted him in a physical way. Riley got pissed and called him a stupid fuck and said he's got a wife.
Howard said there was no romance there. Howard said some guys get really bummed out when you come on to them. Howard said he sees it as a compliment. Howard said he's not into gay stuff but he finds it a compliment. Howard said gay people don't find him attractive though. He said that you know you're not attractive when gay people don't like your look. Howard said if Riley had said yes they would have made JD go through the whole thing with Riley.
Howard said Fred was playing the clips of that strength coach from Alabama. Howard played a song where they took clips of the guy and put them to the music. Howard said the guy works into music. He said it works in every song in every genre. Howard played a couple of examples where they took the clips and inserted him into them. Howard said he's not even sure what the guy's name is.
Howard said they were pretty good but there was another band in the 90s called Living Color. Howard said honkeys couldn't handle that. Howard played their song ''Cult of Personality'' and tried to sing some of it. He said that those guys fucked everything up and didn't have anymore hits. Howard said he's not sure why they can't come up with another hit song.
Howard said he like the guys who spend their whole life trying to get a hit song and they never do. Howard said these guys had one hit song.
Howard was talking the song up like he was at WRNW. Howard said those were the worst call letters ever. Howard said he remembers hearing about the station and how they sold it for less than they paid for it. Howard said the house they broadcasted from was in the middle of a neighborhood. Howard described the house and where they did everything. Howard said that was such a depressing situation. Robin said the one she worked for was in a house too. She said they had the sales department in the dining room.
Howard said he remembers looking in the back yard at the parking lot and wondering what he was doing with his life. Robin said she didn't want to take her job because she figured she'd never come out of there. Howard said she could have ended up like that if the guy who owned the house locked people up.
Howard wondered what happened to Living Color. Howard said he would like them to come and perform that one song at his birthday show. Howard said they can't sing any of their other crap though. Howard was talking about what the guys looked like and how one of the guys was skinny like him. He said he looked like him if he was black. Howard said it wasn't a good look.
Howard wondered if Sal knows that he was never a turtle. Sal said he was in his past life. Howard said he was never a turtle. He said that was his brain putting together a dream. He said he was in a dream state when he thought about that. Sal said he knew what it felt like to have no stress. Howard said Sal is taking this literally and he's trying to explain to him that the human brain creates dreams. Howard said when you dream you weren't what you were dreaming about. Sal said that he believes in reincarnation so that's why he thinks it was what happened.
Howard said even if he was right then it's depressing that he was picked to be a turtle. Sal said it shocked him. Sal said if Howard was there where he was he'd understand. Howard said he understands. Sal said he saw the eggs coming out of his back end. Howard said Sal created that in his head out of all things he could have created. Howard said out of all things he could have chosen he chose to be a turtle. Howard said Sal was in a dream state and he could have been the emperor of Japan. Howard said he turned himself into a turtle. Howard said he's not sure what's sadder. Sal said if what Howard says is true then it's sad. Howard said what Sal is saying is true is complete lunacy. Howard said there is no afterlife. He said he's going to die and that's it. Howard asked Sal what he does when his computer dies. Sal said you get a new one. Howard said that's right because your computer is a computer and so is your brain. He said that's what will happen to his brain too.
Sal said there is a point to all of that. He said that they all have to appreciate what they have in life. Robin said he sounds like David Arquette. Howard said David was drunk though. Howard said Sal was never a turtle. Sal said that's right, it was a dream like state. He said he was never a turtle. Howard thanked him and kicked him out of the studio. Robin said the interesting thing was that Sal wasn't gross when he was hypnotized. Howard said he'd like to give him a history test while he's hypnotized. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Sarah Silverman has a new HBO special. He said that she's gotten very skinny too. Howard asked why she put 20 pounds on to do that movie where she got naked. Sarah said she put on weight for the role to cover her ass. She said she actually did Yoga every day before she did the movie.
Howard said Sarah has lost a lot of weight. Sarah asked if she was fat. Howard said no but now she's thin. Sarah said that it's like those people you think are big boned until they lose weight.
Howard said Sarah dated Jimmy Kimmel for a bunch of years. Sarah said it was easily 6 years. Howard said she hadn't been on Jimmy's show for a long time. Howard said she just returned to the show recently. Howard said that show was part of her life for a while. Howard asked if it was weird walking back into the building where they do the show. Sarah said she hadn't been there in about 4 years. Howard said it must be a weird vibe. Sarah said she lives in weird though. Howard said it had to be a really weird thing for her. Sarah said she's not Gary so don't talk to her like that.
Howard said he heard that Sarah gets upset about the way he talks to Gary. Howard said he's always a little uncomfortable with her. He said she has this heart of gold. He said he's confused by her. Sarah said Howard isn't one thing ether. She said that he's like the salt of the earth doll off the air. Howard said that Gary was annoying him and he was juts letting him know. Sarah said that Gary was in a lose, lose situation. She said that he can't stay home and he can't put a mask on either. Howard said that Sarah must be like that with someone who is sick too. Sarah said she'll ask how someone is feeling first. She said Gary just fist bumped her.
Howard asked if Sarah has done any plastic surgery. Sarah said she hasn't done anything. She said she doesn't even do Botox. She said she has big, heavy, Jewish boobs but when she puts them on a shelf they look good.
Howard said he liked seeing Sarah on Jimmy's show the other night. He asked if she likes going on and shoving it in Jimmy's face that she still looks good. Sarah said she wanted to look the best she could possibly look. Howard said she has a boyfriend now but why does she want to look her best for her ex-boyfriend. Sarah said she's not sure but it is a truth. She said she used to dress for him like that as a treat. Howard said he thinks she wanted to make him feel bad. Sarah asked if that's really what he got out of that. Howard said he did. Sarah said she didn't think that much about it as Howard did. Howard said he figured she was very analytical like that.
Howard said she looked glamorous on Jimmy's show. Howard asked who bought the dress for her. Sarah said that she did it online. Howard said that they went shopping with Jimmy and Sarah once and Jimmy knew that Sarah would look at everything in the store and come out with a rugby shirt. He said Jimmy was right. She came out with three rugby shirts. Howard said she doesn't know how to shop like a girl. Sarah said she can do that sometimes. She said she bought the dress and she bought this coat at Burlington Coat Factory too.
Sarah said she knows that Howard and Beth watch the show and she figured if she had done a good job she would have gotten an email from Howard and Beth and she didn't. Howard said he thought she was terrific on the show but he didn't email her. Howard said he did email Jimmy. He said he's so caught up in his own shit he doesn't email anyone. Sarah said she got an email from Jimmy afterward. Howard said that's weird. Sarah said they email all the time. She said they're like siblings. Howard asked if Molly reads them. Sarah said she could because nothing inappropriate is happening.
Sarah said that email she got from Jimmy had the title of ''You did a good job tonight'' and it just had pictures of her smelling Richard's balls in Howard's studio that she had never seen. Howard asked if Richard has a small cock. Sarah said that it was small. She said it looked like a button in the pictures. Howard said he has 6 inches when he grows. Sarah said that's a lot. Howard said they measured on the air and he does grow a lot. Howard asked if Jimmy is bigger than Richard. Sarah said it is. She said she hopes that's okay to say.
Howard said it must be hard for Molly to have Sarah at the show. Howard said he'd be really jealous if Beth did a show and had her ex on the show. Sarah said she and Molly go back and gossip together.
Sarah told Howard that she heard Howard talking about the pre-interview that he had to do with Letterman and he was claiming that he doesn't do that on his show. She said she heard that about 20 minutes before she did a pre-interview with Will Murray. Howard said he hates doing pre-interviews. Howard said he had a plan to go on the show and just have Dave talk to him and have a real conversation.
Howard said that he got on the phone with the pre-interviewer last night and he came up with an agenda just like he didn't want to. Howard said he has an agenda and he has to remember it. Howard asked Sarah if she has one when she goes on Jimmy's show. Sarah said they have a few bullet points that they go by. She said she loved going back there and seeing people there at the show.
Howard said he can't figure out what happened with Sarah and Jimmy. Sarah said she can't believe how handsome Jimmy is now. She said he looks like a star now. She said she laughs whenever she sees him now. Sarah said that she thinks he's very handsome but she doesn't have feelings for him. Sarah said they're like brothers. She said that's how Jimmy described it.
Howard said the way he understood it is that Jimmy broke up with her first. Sarah said that he did but he may not admit it. She said that he got married at 19 and then went to her. She said she begged him to date other people and he didn't want to do that.
Howard said he remembers it being Jimmy breaking up with her but then she broke up with him after he came back to her. Sarah said it either works or doesn't work when you get back together. She said it didn't work when he came back. She said she never got over the first break up.
Howard said he thinks that Jimmy and Molly are a great couple. Sarah said she doesn't think she could work for someone she's in a relationship with. She said that Molly's agenda is to work for Jimmy and it's a good fit for her. Howard said he thinks she'll leave the show and she'll get her own thing going. Sarah said she easily could.
Howard said he can't believe how good she looks. Sarah said she can't do anything like injecting stuff into her face. She said she thinks that's just crazy. Howard said they goofed on her on a roast by making fun of her age but she looks great. Sarah said they say she's like a man and she's old. She's not that old. Sarah said that Seth Rogen told a joke about her being on the hot 100 in 2007 and that's not that long ago. Howard said that roast shook her up. Sarah said it did. She said she feels it was good but she had to get over it over a couple of days. Sarah said she wants to embrace the wrinkles on her face. She said that she loves Joan Rivers and thinks she looks incredible. She said she's not going to do that though.
Howard said he thinks that Christie Brinkley has to have had a face lift but she must have had a good surgeon. Howard said she's 59 and she looks fantastic. Howard said Sarah is going to get older and she's going to be faced with that look thing and she may think about getting some things done. Howard said he thinks after that roast she pulled herself together. Sarah said she has been working out for a long time. Howard said he's seen her work out and it's a very lazy work out.
Howard asked Sarah if she's a hard worker. Howard said he read that she had a sitcom that wasn't picked up and she was happy that it wasn't. Howard said she wants the quality of life and that sounds lazy to him. Sarah said she likes having friends who are comics. She said she would never do a one hour drama because she wants a life. Howard asked why she did the sitcom then. Sarah said that NBC didn't pick it up and she posted it online. She said the first 7 minutes are rough. She said after that there's something there. Sarah said that she gets why they didn't pick it up. Sarah said she's not made for network. Howard said he thinks she is. Howard said she just hasn't figured it out yet. Sarah said there's too many hoops to jump through and she can't do that. Howard said Seinfeld figured it out. Sarah said that she'd love to figure out how to do a 3 camera show. She said that would be the life.
Howard said maybe Sarah should have handed her show over to someone else. She was saying that she didn't want success at the sacrifice of what she thinks is funny or cool. She said she doesn't want to turn it over to someone and let them control it. Sarah said they had to lay pipe in the pilot and you have to keep that all in there when you edit. Sarah said that the networks don't have patience to let things roll out.
Howard said Sarah keeps going back that well looking for a show. Howard said that she likes that format. Sarah said she loves TV and watching TV. She said she'd love to have that thing that doesn't kill her. Robin said she needs what Louis C.K. has. Sarah said he works his ass off. She said that you can't just do what he does. She said that's what he does.
Howard asked if she expected the world to open up to her after she left Saturday Night Live. Sarah said she thought her world was over after that. She said that she was still young and she didn't have anything happening for her.
Howard asked if she loves doing stand up. Sarah said she doesn't like traveling alone and being in a hotel alone. She said that she makes most of her money doing it though. She said she's not making that much doing that though. Sarah said she keeps her overhead low. She said that allows her some freedom. Howard asked if she ever wants to go out and make so much money that she never has to work again. Sarah said that she has a new special coming out on Friday on HBO. Howard said he saw some of it and it's very funny. Howard said he has a clip of her doing a bit in the special where she talks about finding humanity even in porn.
Sarah said she was trying to think of a Robin's news song and she thought of that song ''Roar''. Howard said he knows she likes that song. Howard said she listens to that song before she goes out on stage. Sarah said she likes a lot of songs like that. She said she likes Miley Cyrus too. She said she likes what feels good in her ear holes. Howard said it's tough to admit to that when there's such good music in this world. Sarah said it puts her in a certain place and it works for her.
Howard said the material in this special is very edgy. Howard said Gary asked her about a joke she had about 9/11 widows giving good hand jobs. Howard asked what's going on with that. Sarah said Will mentioned that to her in her pre-interview. Sarah said that was just something she made up and there is a context to it in the show. She said it's so dumb though. Howard asked her to explain it. Sarah said she says in the show that a survey was conducted by the University of North Carolina and they found that 9/11 widows were good at hand jobs. Then she says that she just made it up. She said she wanted to say it to the audience but didn't want to be blamed for it so she made up that survey thing. She said she won't do that joke for every crowd. She said that there are some that it won't work with.
Howard asked Sarah if she will listen to someone if they tell her what not to say. She said that she has a rebellious thing in her that makes her say things that people tell her not to. Howard said that she has her own way of editing though so she knows not to do certain material.
Howard said Sarah does some rape joke material in her special. Sarah said that they're kind of a hidden gem in comedy. She said they're very safe to do in comedy because no one is going to complain about them. She said that is until someone who was raped hears them. Sarah said she doesn't always feel good telling the rape joke thing. She said she only does that if she feels right.
Howard asked if people ever come to her and say tat she's never been raped so she can't say that. Sarah said she has never been raped but she has had some things happen. Howard asked what they were. Sarah said she's had experiences that she doesn't want to talk about. She said she had a brutal sex scene in something that left her wondering if there was going to be a board between them and it hurt to walk for two days after. Howard asked if she's saying she was in a work situation where she did a scene where she had contact between her and a guy. She thought she was going to have some kind of protection and she didn't. Howard asked if the guy slipped his penis into her. Sarah said he was naked other than something covering his penis that was thinner than a sock. She said she could feel his boner and she was pantsless. She said she had panties on but she felt very violated. Howard asked if she could feel everything. She said she felt like she was a very strong woman. She said it was a wake up call for her. Howard said the guy could have entered her. Sarah said it was worse because it was a hard penis punching her in the vagina.
Howard asked where this film is. Sarah said that she can't say. Howard asked if he has seen it. Sarah said it's actually a very funny movie. She said that she is an open book with him but she wants to move on to the next topic. Howard asked if she's ever had anal. Sarah asked what guy even wants to do that. Howard said he has tried it but he didn't like it. He said he thought he was missing out but he was missing out on nothing. Sarah said it's like the tightest vagina that has shit inside it.
Sarah said she made something for Howard. Howard asked if it was the song. She said it wasn't but she did make him a song. Howard said this must have taken 2 minutes to write. Howard said she enjoys singing. Sarah said she's a good singer for a comedian but not a good singer for a singer. Howard said this song is performed on the special ''We Are Miracles'' which is on HBO starting this weekend.
Howard said he saw that Sarah did the Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. He said he did it too and he hasn't heard from Jerry since he did it. Howard said he thought they were getting really close but now he hasn't heard from him.
Howard said he would like to go to dinner with Sarah but things never work out. He said that he really likes her. Sarah said she knows that Jimmy is his primary. Howard said that he will email her and figure something out.
Howard asked how the boyfriend thing is going. Sarah said it's good. She said that he's a superfan but he's shy. Howard said she must be glad she broke up with Jimmy then. Sarah said she loves to be alone. She said she needs that in chunks of time. She said she loves people too though. Howard said Jimmy didn't want her to be alone. Sarah said Jimmy doesn't like to be alone. She said he's changed in a lot of ways so she can't pretend to know him as he is now. She said that he likes to have people around and she needs to be alone. Howard said he does too. Howard said Beth leaves him alone and he's alone in a room. He said he needs that. Howard said he can't have her go far though. He said she's always in the house. He said he can't handle being alone-alone. Howard asked Sarah if she means really alone or alone with someone. Sarah said she likes to be alone and alone with someone.
Howard asked if Sarah doesn't want to have kids because she's depressed. Sarah said she doesn't feel ready yet. She said she wants to adopt a kid but only when she's ready to do that with her life. She said she may be grandma age when that happens. Howard said he can picture that happening. Howard asked what she'll do if she gets a fucked up kid. Sarah said that the foster care system is pretty fucked up so you can end up with a kid like that.
Howard played the song from Sarah's special. She sings a song about people who call themselves Divas and then sings about being a cunt. She sings that word over and over.
Howard said she has a sweet voice. Sarah said she can hit the notes. Howard said that Bill Cosby hates that word. He said he doesn't like dirty. Sarah said that it's not his cup of tea. Howard said he doesn't understand the comedy of Bill Cosby. Sarah said that's because Howard isn't bright. She said that she loved Bill and she loved Eddie Murphy's ''Delirious'' too. Howard said Bill Cosby rambles incoherently. He said he liked the Cosby show but he doesn't get his comedy.
Howard asked Sarah if she doesn't get some people's comedy. Sarah said of course but she won't say who they are. She said they're people she loves and likes and she doesn't get it. She said their comedy bounces off her brain. She said she doesn't like comedian on comedian crime so she won't say who they are.
Howard asked if she has heard from Michelle Williams since she did the nude shower scene with her. Sarah said she has not. She said she just worked with her. Howard said he figured she was the one who violated her.
Robin asked Sarah what she thinks of the Obama presidency. Howard said he heard that she said that he has a different affect when he's not on TV. Howard said he has it right there in his notes. Sarah said she never said that. She said you're just mesmerized when he's in front of you. Robin said she's getting pissed that he's got all of this leisure activity going on. Robin said that he should be more worried about this whole health care mess and working on that. Sarah said that he's not the one who works on every single thing. She said the program is amazing but the web site isn't his fault. Robin asked if she's happy with his performance. Sarah said she is. She said that she got to meet him and it was cool and all but she doesn't know if he really knew who she was.
Sarah asked if she can play this clip she has. She said it was a Bill Maher clip. She played it and it was her boyfriend doing a Bill Maher impression goofing on Howard. Sarah said he can do impressions of everyone on the show but not impressions of anyone else. She said that he doesn't like that feeling of being a dancing monkey so he can't perform in front of people in a room. She said he's a comedian and he can do that but not in a small room. Howard said he might have to do the dinner with her and meet this guy. Sarah said that his name is Kyle Dunnigan. Howard gave her a plug for this web site JASH.com that she and some other comedians put material up on.
Howard said he's going to take some calls and then wrap up with her. Howard took a call from King of All Blacks. King said that story about the boner was hot. He said he almost came from that story. He said his dick gets hard every time he sees her. Howard said King is into some strange stuff. King said that he thinks that women who stay with guys who beat them deserve it. Howard said that he thinks of her as a victim that can't get out of a situation. King said he thinks that they like it. King asked how she looks today. Howard said she looks good all the time. King said he wishes he could have her panties. Sarah said she'd give them to him but the whole mailing thing is a pain in the ass. Howard said if he was there live then she'd give them to him. Sarah said they were very clean and he might not like that.
Howard said Jimmy told him that she never shaved down below. Sarah said she doesn't think that looks good. Howard said Robin shaves it all off. Robin said she has at times. Sarah said she does keep it trimmed down there. Howard said he thinks that King has heard all he needs to hear. King said he has a rise in his Levis this morning.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if she would have a threesome with Jimmy and Molly. Sarah laughed and said no way. She said that's not her thing. Howard said he knows that they're not into that. Howard said he thinks that they've come to the end. Howard said Sarah has put all of her eggs into this basket ''We Are Miracles.'' Howard said she can't go out and do her material after putting out the special. Howard said she has to come up with a new act now. Sarah said she thinks she could hone some of that stuff forever. She said that she has to purge it though. She said she has about 10 new minutes now. She said that they're not strong minutes either. Howard asked how she knows. Sarah said that she just has to work on it a bit. She said she'll bounce some of the stuff off of comic friends. She said she hates putting people out though. She said she worried about people getting bored or sitting too long.
Howard said that's some job. Sarah said that she has to go to small clubs to work out the new material. Howard said he was reading a book about writers and how you have to sit down for 4-5 hours a day and write no matter what. Howard asked if that's what she does. Sarah said that she'll do something like just write down stuff on paper for a full 5 minutes no matter what comes out. Sarah said that she will work hard when she's focused. She said she needs like 20 hours of sleep a day. Howard asked if that's because of her depression. Sarah said she needs sleep to be sharp. Howard said he's the same way. Sarah said she was stretching it a bit. She said she doesn't actually sleep 20 hours a day.
Howard gave Sarah some more plugs and wrapped up with her. Gary said she has to go now. She's going to d a TV show. She's going over to do Live with Kelly and Michael. Howard said that's more important that this. Sarah said nothing is more important than Howard's show. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and sang along with the song. Howard got in a plug for the ticket sweepstakes that they have going on with the birthday show. Howard said that they will have David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel, Louis C.K. and even Sarah Silverman. Howard said he overheard a little birdie with giant teeth saying that she'd be there. Howard said Gary thinks he doesn't like him but he loves him. He loves everyone.
Howard said he has a long day today. He said he has to go to Letterman an hour earlier. Howard said he has a very awkward day coming up today.
Howard had Fred play a Robin song parody to get them into the news. That was ''Robin's Brown Mound'' that they played.
Robin got to her news and read a story about someone who was left at the altar. Robin said that it can be the most devastating thing to happen to a woman. Howard said that can happen to a man too. Howard said he can't believe that didn't happen to him.
Robin read about a 30 year old man who ended up as the bridegroom when the bridegroom failed to show up. Robin said that the guy stepped up and said he'd marry her. Howard asked if he was Rob Ford. Howard asked who would do that. Robin said you know it happened in India or somewhere that they have arranged marriages. Robin said she was saved.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if any of the AGT judges called to thank him for re-upping. Howard said no one did. He said everyone in show business likes to feel they're the most important on the show. Howard said the truth is that he's the most important. Howard said he thinks the cast will be the same this time. He said he doesn't socialize that much with the other judges. Howard said he and Howie are the closest but he's not really close to anyone. Howard said Howie has been on the show for years and he likes him very much personally. He said he keeps to himself. Howard said he knows they don't think he'd fun since he's not part of their little parties and stuff. Robin asked who does think he's fun. Howard said definitely not his wife. Howard said he jokes about that with her all the time. He gets into bed and says ''Here's Mr. Fun!''
Howard said that he's glad that Howie is the one who likes attention. He said they look for stuff to tape back stage and Howie is the one who is always doing stuff. Howard said Howie's OCD is really bad. He said he had to get a certain number of steps in and he had to wear a watch that counted his steps. Howard said he can't get too close to a guy like that. Howard said he stays away from him and from Heidi and Mel. Howard said Heidi wants to have fun but he wants her to get away from him. He said she's a hot chick but that's wasted on him. He said he tries so hard to be part of the team but he's annoyed by everything. He said he's annoyed when they give their opinion. Howard said that's how fucked up he is. Robin said he must have been alone a lot when he was a child. Howard said he was. He said no one ever missed him when he was locked in his room alone. Howard said his father never asked where he was because he missed him.
Robin said Bob Dylan is doing a new version of ''Like a Rolling Stone'' for 2013. Howard said maybe he should write a new song. Robin said they're going to have an interactive video and you can flip through channels where different artists are lip syncing to the song. Howard said he finds his version to be very long and boring. He doesn't get it. Howard said he's so fucked up he likes Bob's son more than Bob. He did a live commercial read and then went to break after that.
After the break, around 9:40am, Howard came back and had Robin get back to her news. Robin said there's a new game called the knock out game going around. Robin said it's happening in big cities and teenagers will pick one person to punch out. Howard said we're doomed. He said it's better to be a turtle. Robin said they say that there have been some attacks on Jews in Brooklyn lately. Robin said a 78 year old woman and some other older people have been attacked.
Howard said he's going to write a movie where a guy is walking down a street and a gang tries to knock out Jason Statham. He said one of the kids is the son of a big mobster and the mobster wants to find Statham's character. He hires ninjas to come over from Japan and they go after Statham. Howard said there are 7 ninjas and he beats the shit out of all of them. Then the mobster befriends Jason Statham and gets really close to him. Then Statham is sleeping and the mob guy tries to attack him. He wakes up and breaks the guy's arm. Then Statham threatens to kill the guy's other son and the mob guy says ''Fuck you'' to him. Howard said now the mob guy gets a ton of military guys and goes after him in a submarine. Robin asked when Sharknado happens. Howard said that's good. He'll give her writing credits for that. Howard said Statham ends up beating the shit out of everyone. He said he bets he can get JJ Abrams on the phone to produce that. Howard said he thinks that's a good movie and people would want to see that.
Robin read a story about some people who are trying to take over a North Dakota town to make it a white supremacist area. Robin said the people in North Dakota don't particularly want that but the guy is going ahead with it.
Robin read about Eminem's new album debuting at number 1 on the Billboard charts. Robin said he sold 792,000 copies in a week. Robin said that's a monster of an album.
Robin read about Daniel Day Lewis' son putting out a song about smoking marijuana. Robin had the song so Howard played some of that. Robin said this kid is a white kid who goes to Sarah Lawrence. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a congressman who was arrested on drug charges back in August. Robin had some audio of some people from his area commenting on the arrest.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Jackie will be an invited guest at the birthday show or an usher. Howard said he will be an usher. Howard said that's one of the surprises.
Robin read a story about the President giving out the medal of freedom to some people. Robin had the list of people and read them to Howard. Oprah is one of them. Howard asked how he doesn't have one. Robin said Ernie Banks, Ben Bradley, Bill Clinton and many others were on the list. Howard and Robin knew who a lot of the people were but not all of them. One of the people was known as a ''global thinker'' and Howard said that the guy who isn't a global thinker is Sal. They played his ''I'm a turtle'' clip again. They had a ''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'' song parody ready for Sal a short time later.
Robin read a story about George Bush going on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Robin said he was there to say goodbye to him before he leaves the Tonight Show. Robin said that it looks like Jay is going to retire this year. Howard said it is time for him to go. Howard said he'll celebrate with Dave. Howard said he's going to confront Dave about that. He said he heard that he's speaking to Jay on the phone now. He said he'll bring that up on the show when he tapes it today. Robin said that Bush was saying if we left Afghanistan it would be bad for women and young girls over there. Robin had some audio of that and some other things that Bush talked to Leno about.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked where he was when Kennedy was shot. Howard asked if he thinks he did it. Howard said he came home from Kindergarten and his mother was talking about it. Robin said there's no way he was in kindergarten. Robin said that has to be. Howard said no way. The caller asked how old he was in 1963. Howard said he'd say he was 9. Robin said he was not in kindergarten. Howard said he was left back a lot. Howard said he remembers coming home from school and his mom and sister were crying. They told him that Kennedy was shot. Howard said he didn't understand it until he saw his mother and sister crying. Howard said he was in school when it happened.
The caller said that he got a North Shore calendar and it came torn up. He asked if he could sign another one for him. Howard said he can do that. He had the guy talk to Gary about that. Howard said if he's pulling his leg on that he's only falling for it once.
Robin read a story about the ban on women in combat and how they were going to have to pass and complete the same training that men would. Robin said some women have passed that test. Robin said 3 women out of 15 will graduate from the course after 59 days of training. Robin said the fourth women who finished will graduate when she heals from an injury. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read about a study that was done that says kids are getting slower. Robin said they say that many children can't run as fast as their parents. Howard said part of that is evolution. Robin asked why that is. Howard said we've become a society so technologically evolved that we sit more. Howard said he's not sure how that happened but he doesn't even know how Sal became a turtle. Howard said we don't have any predators. Howard said we used to have to run from pterodactyls but now there are none to run from. Robin read more about the study that was done. Robin said they say children run a mile 90 seconds slower than they did 30 years ago. Howard said our IQs are going down too. He said we have so many conveniences now that we lose our intellect.
Robin read a story about a minister in Pennsylvania who has gotten into trouble at his church because he presided over the wedding of his gay son. Robin said he's not backing down. Robin said he has been told to stop performing gay marriage ceremonies.
Robin read a story about a senator who got into a fight with his son and his son stabbed him. Robin said the son was found dead of a gun shot wound at the residence. Robin said that it appears to be a possible murder suicide.
Robin read about President Obama coming out with sanctions against Iran. Robin had some audio of someone commenting on that. Robin had some audio of President Obama speaking about some other things as well.
Robin read a story about how abortion is still under attack. Robin said a law was shot down in New Mexico where they were trying to ban abortion. Robin said the law didn't go through.
Robin said they've been talking about the Redskins and how they're not the only ones with a possible name or mascot problem. Robin said a school in California is looking to change their ''Arab'' mascot to something else. Robin said the mascot has been called degrading and a stereotype. Robin had some audio of someone talking about what they're considering doing.
Robin read a story about hurricane researchers losing funding and how they may not be able to give their forecasts next year. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that funding loss.
Robin read a story about a video of a teacher in Kentucky lambasting her students over their grades. Robin had the audio of the teacher saying they're a waste of life and they're just taking up space.
Robin asked Howard where he'd put the Bible in the library. Howard said he'd put it under fiction. Robin said that a pastor is upset that Costco put it under fiction. Howard said you can't prove any of it happened. Robin had some audio of a pastor talking about how upset he was that they are listed as fiction. Howard said some guy wrote it up and made a religion out of it. Howard said all religions are fiction. Howard said he believes Sal was a turtle more than he believes those stories.
Robin read about Malala Yousafzai winning a prize for freedom this week. Robin had some audio of her making an acceptance speech for that.
Robin said that Adam Levine has been named the sexiest man alive. Howard said you can't argue with that. Howard said he did his own survey and no one disagreed. Robin said he's engaged to a Victoria's Secret model. Howard said of course he is.
Robin read about the guy who shot Larry Flynt years ago being executed today. Howard thanked Robin for the news and they ended the show around 10:20am.
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Robin said she was taking a nap yesterday and thought about Sal and his turtle story. Howard said that he did too. He said that Sal was explaining his regression which he's going to call a dream. Howard said Sal was almost an amoeba. Howard said Gary was listening to Sal talking about being a turtle and Sal was going on and on. He said Gary told Sal that he was a wonderful turtle. Howard said he was listening to these two maniacs talking. Howard said he was thinking this should be a Broadway show. Howard said it was crazy. Robin said it was too much. Howard said that's his staff.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that Sal is crazy. She said she's up all night tossing and turning. She asked when his Letterman appearance is happening. Howard said they're taping at 3:30 today. Gary said he thinks they know what's going on. He said Jon figured it out.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked what's going on with Howard TV. Howard said it came up yesterday and he said he can't talk about that yet. He said that they're trying to make it possible for more people to access it. Howard thanked her for calling in and let her go. Robin said she thought that woman was about 15 but the woman said she was 48.
Howard played a clip of Scott the Engineer saying ''Music the way YOU want it.'' Robin had to finish part of that line. She got that one right. Howard said they helped Scott get that DJ business going and he never did appreciate it. Howard said he's the least fun person on the planet and he was the worst one for that job. Howard said Scott was the one person who should never have that job. Howard said he's the opposite of what you need for a party DJ. Howard did an impression of Scott and goofed on him for a short time about that.
After the break we heard some prank calls Sal and Richard made to a BizBaz radio show. We also heard a Baba Booey song parody and Sal saying he's a big turtle and he's pregnant. Fred also played Rob Zombie's cover of ''We're An American Band'' as they were coming back.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they were talking about changing the opening song to the Chambers Brothers song ''Time.'' He said he thinks he should do that. Howard said he was thinking about that. The caller said it would be cool if they did that. Howard said he can't do that to Rob. He said that he was talking about doing that once and Rob wrote to him asking if he was really thinking of doing that. Howard said he can't do it now. Howard said he can't believe what happened to music. He said he thought rock and roll was going to change the world. He said you can't compare anything today to this song ''Time.'' Howard said he may have to remake the song. Howard said it's the greatest riff ever. Fred said it is. Howard said he doesn't know much about the band other than they were black guys. Howard said they were a black rock band.
After the break we heard a prank call the guys made to Big Foot using clips of Big Foot while he was doing a radio show. Fred also played Sting's ''If You Love Somebody Set Them Free'' as they were coming back.
After the break we heard a prank call Sal made to a history tutor where he kept telling her she was wrong about her history knowledge. Fred also played The Rolling Stones covering ''Like a Rolling Stone'' as they were coming back.
Jon asked Gary about how Robin mentioned that he was sicker than he thought he was on Monday. Gary said that he didn't feel sick on Monday. He said he couldn't stay home. He said Howard would be really irritated if he had stayed home. Gary said that there was no way he was going to stay home.
Jon also brought up how Howard was talking about changing the opening theme song and how he can't do that to Rob Zombie. Gary said Howard has a thing for Rob. He said that he thinks Rob is a good looking guy but not like Howard does.
Jon brought up Sal and how Howard was trying to get through to him this morning. He said Sal is going to stick to his beliefs and not change how he thinks. Jon said good for Sal sticking to his guns.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Sarah Silverman. He said some people thought it got a little contentious this morning. Gary said Howard was kind of pressing her on things and she was pushing back. Gary said he thought it was an interesting interview.
Jon said she revealed a few things he'd never heard her reveal. He said that what happened to her on set was kind of crazy. Jon said they tried to figure out what movie or show it was and they weren't able to. Jon said that it sounded pretty wild. Gary said that she did say that the guy was an extra.
Benjy said maybe the guy didn't realize he was doing something that he shouldn't be doing. Gary said he's not an actor so he's not sure how far he should take it. Gary said that he knew a guy who represented a guy who was going to be in a movie and the female actress was demanding penetration for the scene. Gary said that the rep had to tell them that they can't demand something like that. The actor was a gay guy so that wasn't going to happen.
Gary and Jon talked about how good looking Sarah was and how they always say that when she comes in. Gary said that Sarah's publicist took a picture of her later on and said she was going to Instagram it. Gary said that made him feel kind of silly. Jon said Sarah was saying that Howard is kind of rough on Gary at times too.
Jon said that Sarah talked about doing the pre-interview with Will. He had Will in there to talk about that. Will said that it helps some of the people who come in. He said there are some people who refuse to do it. He said that Joan Rivers comes in with a whole agenda and that's what they should be doing. Jon said that some people are friends with Howard and they think they don't need that but it helps Howard to have some discussion topics.
Jon said that Sarah was talking about how she wanted to get together with Howard and Beth but it doesn't happen. Will said you never give up.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he can imagine how Gary is under pressure with the birthday show. He asked who he would choose to have sex with out of Whitney Cummings, Sarah Silverman and Amy Schumer. Gary said that's a tough one for him. Gary said he has something for Amy that he can't put his finger on. Will said that's the right choice. Jon asked Benjy who he'd be with. Benjy said that he'd be with his girlfriend. Jon said he would pick Whitney out of the three. Gary said he thinks that he'd be afraid of Sarah judging him. He said that might be true with all three of them though. Jon said he thinks that all three would judge him.
Benjy refused to pick one of the three. He kept saying he'd only do it with his girlfriend. Will asked if he has to do that whenever he's in a relationship. Benjy said he thinks it's wrong to judge women like that. Gary asked Benjy if Elisa would answer in the same way. Benjy said he doesn't know.
Ronnie came in so Jon asked him about the three comedians. Ronnie said he would pick Amy. He said Sarah is the cutest but he thinks that Amy would be the hottest in bed. Gary asked if this is a sexist conversation. Benjy said yes and no one else cared. Gary tried to change that by saying he'd pick Adam Levine over John Stamos. Ronnie said he'd pick Stamos. He said that's his boy.
Jon took a call from a guy who was doing his Scott the Engineer impression and quoting his answering machine message. Jon said he has to get Scott in there to talk about that. Gary said he loves that Scott tried to gloss over K-Rock losing his stuff over there. Ronnie said that they didn't lose it. He said that someone took it. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon moved on to Scott Salem who is the former CEO of Rocket Entertainment. Scott said he just stopped doing it. He said he did it for almost 20 years. Scott said things were seasonal. He said during Christmas time it was really good but he just got tired of it. Jon asked what he got tired of. Scott said it was the travel and carrying stuff around. He said now you can just bring a computer and speakers but back then he had to lug around so much stuff. He said it got to him after a while. He said it's really a young person's job. Gary said he knows a guy who is around Scott's age and he does it every weekend and he loves it. Scott said he was getting older and it was wearing him down. He said he wasn't able to keep up with the music either.
Gary said Scott was making okay money for a 4 hour gig but that 4 hours was more like an 8 hour gig when you add in the time it took to drive there and set up. Scott said he valued his time at home more and more. Ronnie told him to stop it. Scott said he values his time not at work more.
Gary said the first year he and his wife were dating the company she worked for hired Scott for a party. Gary said they loved him and said he was amazing. Scott said he did pretty good but he had gigs that sucked too. Jon said when you hear that answering machine message that's not consistent with who he really is. Scott said he tried to be outgoing and tried to get people up. He said he wanted to help them have a good time.
Ronnie said he wanted to know why he didn't keep the business going and sub it out. Scott said he did that for a little while but it was a pain in the ass. He said that the kids were undependable and it was more of a headache than it was worth.
Jon said he's sure a lot of the people calling wanted Scott the Engineer and not someone else. Gary said that the guy who DJ'd his wedding is now the Kings of Leon's manager. He said they wanted a low key wedding and they had a lot of rules for the DJ. He said that they went to Gange's graduation party and Scott was there. He said that Scott had every song that they didn't want to hear at their wedding. Scott said he really did the music the way they wanted it. He said that he'd want to do it the way the bride and groom wanted it but then he'd argue with the parents about it. He said it was a pain in the ass.
Scott said that he had some things happen at his gigs where people would fight and he'd just keep playing the music. Scott said people would ask him not to play some stuff and he'd have to refer them to the bride and groom. He said he didn't enjoy going out there and trying to get people up to dance. He said that was his job though.
Jon asked Scott what song he didn't like playing but he had to play. Scott said he doesn't like any of those songs where you have to do moves. He said that he had to do the Electric Slide, the Chicken Dance and all of that. He said he would try to avoid playing them but he would have to play them at times.
Jon took a call from a guy who said listening to Scott it reminded him of a conversation they had about Howard re-signing at Sirius. He said that Scott is the one who has the best skill set there. He said that he thinks that he would have been able to do something if Howard had retired. The caller said Scott just rolls with it and has fun with it. Gary said he thinks Scott has a skill set but he's not the only one. He said he might have the most tangible skill set. He said that Will and Steve have a skill set and they do well with it.
Gary asked Ronnie if he's psyched about AGT. Ronnie said the schedule is great. He said it's the best ever. He said he has to thank NBC for that.
Jon took a call from Ralph who said that he took a Vitamin C packet on a flight one time with Howard and Howard freaked out on him thinking he was sick. He said that's what sets Howard off. Gary said that he takes that same kind of thing just in case.
Ralph said he had something a couple of weeks ago and he was afraid of going to meet with Howard. He said if he hears you sniffle he freaks out.
Ralph said he saw Scott DJ once and he was awful. Scott said some gigs were terrible and some were good. Jon asked what made him awful. Ralph said he stood there like a sad sack. He said that he was forced to have energy and you can tell he didn't want to do it. He said it was just a bad time.
Ralph said he saw him once at an E! party and he didn't do all of those dumb songs. He said he just did his thing and no one bothered him. Scott said it was a Christmas party so they don't do that kind of thing. Ralph said he's glad he got out of it before it became a thing where he'd be making like $300,000. Ralph got in a plug for this week's GEEKTIME. He said he's interviewing Guillermo del Toro and William Shatner. Jon said they had to go to break after that.
Jon asked if Ronnie really thought it was a joke. Ronnie said Scott thought he was doing his job that way. He said he got so bent when it didn't work. He said he'd ask where the sound guy was and make sure it worked right. Then he'd have a shit fit when it didn't work.
Scott said that he didn't need a lot of equipment. He said that he would use a laptop if he was going to do it seriously now. Ronnie said he should have done that at the block party. Scott said it was a joke with the phone. Ronnie didn't seem to believe that. Ronnie said that he tried to get his son to hire Scott for his wedding but they didn't want him.
Jon asked Scott how he deals with people like Sal who fuck with him all the time. Scott said you just try to do your job and do what you were paid for.
Jon asked Sal what he would do to Scott at a party. Sal said he would glue his records together and stuff like that.
Jon said he has to tell Sal that he did good today sticking with his story about the turtle thing. He said he has to give him credit for that. He asked if he still feels that way. Sal said he saw what he saw and he felt what he felt so that's where he'll leave it. He said that he had a very positive feeling about that. Benjy asked if he told his kids that. Sal said that one of his sons said he thought he was a turkey. He said his wife said he was out of his mind and he should see a psychiatrist.
Sal said he just told the family what happened and his wife just went ''What?'' Gary said he was also a murderer in another past life. Sal said he didn't do that on purpose though.
Sal said he got home and he realized that all that matters are your family and friends. He said that the dog runs to him and then the wife and kids come to him. Gary asked if it bothers him that his wife thinks he's nuts. Sal said it doesn't bother him. He said he respects people who don't believe it. He said that's fine.
Jon asked if he's done any research on turtles since that happened. Sal said not really. He said he just doesn't care. He said he was a turtle and he just moved on. Benjy asked if they believe in evolution and if it's cool that their relatives may have been a turtle or something like that. Jon said he never thinks like that.
Sal said that he was having children and he was happy with it. He said that's life. He said nature and people is what life is about. Sal said that it doesn't matter if he was a turtle. He said it was a lesson he took from it that mattered in that life. Jon said they had to end the show a short time later. He let the guys get in some plugs and then ended the show around 11:10am.
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