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Howard started the show talking about how filthy his glasses were. Howard said he can't see anything. He said he has to clean them but he has a whole ritual. He said he has a special jizzum that he uses. He said he has to go into his man purse and get that. He wondered if he should do it or sit there with dirty glasses. Howard said maybe he should just leave them dirty.
Howard said he had a busy weekend. Howard said Robin is not there today but she will be back tomorrow. Howard said there were people writing in saying the show isn't as good without her. Howard said they're right. Howard said Jon Hein and Gary will be sitting in today. Howard said they'll jump in with some comments. He said it's kind of awkward. Gary said he's not even sure where to look yet. Howard said he can look anywhere but at him. Gary said he figured that. Howard said Jon has yet to figure out when to say something.
Howard asked if Jon had seen ''Zero Dark Thirty'' yet. Jon said he hasn't but he's looking forward to it. Gary said he's not sure anyone even knows what it's about. Howard asked if it's getting good reviews. Gary said he's pretty sure it's going to be an academy award nominee. The guys talked about that and about some of the other movies that could get nominated. Howard said he hated Lincoln. Jon said he liked it even though it was a little too long. Howard said Daniel Day Lewis was good but so is that robot at Disney.
Howard said he's not sure why Zero Dark Thirty was released in a limited release. Gary said they do that so they can get nominated before the end of the year.
Howard said he doesn't get movies delivered to him from the movie studios. Howard said he's hearing odd noises again. Howard told Gary to try another microphone. Gary did that but he still had the weird noise. Howard said it was like a snare drum in there.
Howard got back to Zero Dark Thirty and said that if you like Homeland then you'll like this movie. He said it's directed by the same woman who directed The Hurt Locker. Jon said her name is Katherine Bigelow. Howard said the movie is about the killing of Osama Bin Laden. He said the movie is just great. He said it's an action movie and it's just so good. Howard said Gary got the screener. Howard said he didn't get it himself but Gary got it.
Howard said he heard that a bunch of directors were sitting around watching Django Unchained and everyone has a copy. He said that none of them have the ability to promote the movie but he does. Howard said his agent got a call from some guy who said he had to get into the director's guild but his agent told him he'd have to sign something where he'd take full responsibility for the movie. Howard said the contract was weird so he didn't want anything to do with it. Howard said he'd be blamed if the movie was stolen. Howard said that happened to him once before. Howard said his agent told him he can't sign this thing. Howard said he's not sure who everyone else gets these movies.
Jon said that Gary must be a part of the guild. Gary said he trades with friends. He said he has a friend who writes movies. He said he has another friend whose father wrote a movie in the 60s and he gets every movie to this day. Howard said he goes on and promotes films on his show but he can't get any copies. Gary said there are a lot of people who have had their copies show up in the wrong places. Howard said he shreds his when he's done with them. He said that's how paranoid he is.
Howard said Gary got him Zero Dark Thirty and the movie is way good. He said it deserves an Oscar. Howard said he liked Argo but not Lincoln. Howard said he loved Zero Dark Thirty. Howard said he thinks that it should win.
Howard said he wishes he could tell these guys who he knows that just hang around and watch Django Unchained. Howard said that he can't get a copy of that movie. He said you'd think they'd give it to him. Gary said he had a talk with the publicist about that and it just wasn't going to happen. Howard said the losers get copies. He said these people have no ability to promote the movie but they get copies and he doesn't.
Howard said he doesn't give a shit anyway. He said when it comes down to it he just downloads everything from iTunes. Howard said Beth told him to try ''Girls'' but he's not getting it. Howard said that it's a little fat girl who looks like Jonah Hill and she keeps getting naked. Gary said she thinks she's brave doing that. Howard said he feels brave watching it. He said he heard that she writes and directs the show and it makes sense to him. He said the other characters are barely on the show. He said he'd tell her that she has to allow the other characters breathe a little. Gary said the critics love the show. Howard said he's watching it so he can watch it with Beth. Jon said he tried to watch it but he can't. He said he can't get through it. Howard said he's forcing himself to watch it. He wants to watch with Beth. Gary said the character is uncomfortable and a narcissistic brat.
Howard wondered why it was so much on her character and now it makes sense. Howard said good for her. He said it's hard for fat chicks to get parts. He said he likes girly TV shows and stuff though. He said he was in bed on Friday night and had nothing going on. He said he watched a movie with Katie Holmes. He said it was called First Daughter. He said she meets a guy and she gets totally into the guy. Howard said he watched that and liked it. He said she pretends to date some guy and she gets out. Howard said this isn't a new movie. He said it's just a girl movie and he liked it.
Howard said he's been catching up on Saturday Night Live and Anne Hathaway did a great impression of Katie Holmes. He said that she also did a Claire Danes impression and she was great at that too. He said he liked the Homeland sketch.
Howard said they torture a lot of Arab guys in Zero Dark Thirty. He said that he liked that. Howard said the movie opens up with the voices of people dying in 9/11 and you hear people saying goodbye to their families. Howard said that he was so happy that they were torturing these guys in the movie. He said the movie is great when they go in and get Osama bin Laden. Howard said the movie was great. He said it was crazy good movie making.
Howard said that he found a mash up online that was really good. It's a mash up of Led Zeppelin's ''Whole Lotta Love'' and The Beatles ''Helter Skelter.'' Howard played the clip and said he really likes that. He wondered who the geniuses are that put this stuff together. He said it gets better as it goes along.
Jon and Gary didn't like it. They said they'd rather hear the songs separately. Howard said that was the wrong answer. Howard and Fred agreed that it was good. Eric the Actor agreed with Howard.
Howard asked Eric if he was there. Eric said he was. He said he's calling in reference to the thing with Medicated Pete. He said that it seems like Johnny is more focused on Pete than he is with helping him. Eric said he screwed up the whole thing with him. Howard asked if Johnny is working with Pete only. Gary said the answer is that Pete says yes to job offers and Eric says no all the time. Eric said that's bullshit. He said he said yes to something and that got screwed up. Gary said he blew the Cougar Town role. Eric said he didn't care about that one. Eric said that is a stupid show. Eric said that they kicked its dumb ass to the curb. Howard said it's still a major show with celebrities on it. Howard said Eric is difficult and he doesn't see it.
Eric said he saw a job offer from a new NBC show. He said he'll take that. Eric said that Johnny screwed up his ''Legit'' deal though. He said he wasn't paying attention and he screwed up the SAG thing. Eric said he has to pay the SAG thing himself but what he was hoping was for someone to give him the money and he'll transfer the money in his own name. Gary asked how that's Johnny's fault. Eric said any other agent probably would have fixed that. Howard said his agent doesn't pay his dues. Howard said he just pays them. Howard said Eric wants a dad and not an agent. Howard said Eric is home all day and he should just keep track of the dues.
Gary said that his SAG dues can't be that much. Eric said that they're $3,000. Gary said he just read that on the web site and didn't get the correct information. Howard said that someone will pay them for him if he just gets a job. He said they probably would have done that if he was on Cougar Town. Gary said the only reason he pays is so he can get the movie copies. Howard said that he stays in so he can do a movie some day. He said Les Moonves asked when he's going to do the sequel to Private Parts. Howard said he's not sure he wants to do that again. He said he'd rather walk in and have a movie already written for him. Gary asked why he doesn't just tell Les that. Howard said every movie he gets is bad. He said he has to write the movie himself. Howard said he'd have to write it because no one else can write it. He said he's like that fat chick on Girls. He said she has to write her own stuff and he'd have to write his own stuff.
Howard said Eric's arch enemy is coming in today. He said he's going to be out on the street in a kissing booth. Eric asked if he has a case for his iPad. Howard said of course he does. Howard said he has the best case for his iPad mini. He said it was like 30 bucks. Howard said Jon has the worst case. He said the front is all exposed on his. Howard said his is the best. He said Jon's isn't that good. Howard said his is made by Belkin and it's got a quilted cover.
Howard said that the iPad Mini must be a success for apple. Jon said that they are saying that it is. Howard said it's way better than the regular iPad. Jon said everyone has one. Howard said it is a must have. Howard said people with no money even have them. Jon said the guy driving him home from the airport had one in the car. Howard said you can touch glass and control what's going on. He said that's crazy.
Gary said this guy around the corner from him uses one as his cash register. Howard asked Gary if he still thinks it was a stumble for Apple. Gary said he doesn't think that everyone thought it was great at first. Howard said he didn't know about it at first. Gary said that he felt that it could be a bit of a stumble for them. He said no one was saying it was the greatest thing. Gary said Roger Ebert gave Godfather 2 a two star review. He said it's not always clear.
Howard said he has to get to Medicated Pete. He told Eric he has to go. Eric said the reason he asked about the case is because he knows someone who makes cases that charge the item while they're in the case. They're solar. Howard said that sounds cool. Howard said he doesn't believe it. Eric said that it charges a bunch of devices. He said there is some way you have to plug in. Howard said he doesn't care then. He said he just wants power. He said that doesn't do him any good. Howard said he'd like it if he didn't have to plug in. Howard asked if there's any way to attach a windmill to his iPad. Eric said he doesn't know of anything like that.
Howard said that he has to move on to Medicated Pete. He said that Johnny is paying attention to Pete. Benjy told Howard that there is something online about a 10 day charge for the iPad.
Howard said he has to go. Eric said he met David Garibaldi from AGT. Howard had to be reminded of who he was. Howard told Eric to say hi to him. He let Eric go after that. Howard said he had Johnny on the phone and that would have been good.
Howard asked where Pete was at. He said he has to talk to him about this girl. They brought Pete in after that. Gary said his toupee is gone. Pete came in singing ''Purple Rain'' since Fred was playing the music. Howard told him to sing it to Gary. Pete started cracking up. He forgot the lyrics. Gary said he felt very awkward with him singing to him. Howard said he has a ball of spit on his lip. He said he's vile.
Gary asked what happened to the toupee. Pete said he lost it out in L.A. He said he was taking a shower and he lost it.
Howard asked what that hot chick's name is. Pete said she left the film so he can't even say her name. He said she went on to another project. Howard said she was hot. Pete said she left them all hanging. Howard said he thinks that's illegal to just walk away. Pete said she was hot though. Howard said she looked like she was going to throw up kissing him. Howard asked if that was depressing to him. Pete said yes and no. He said it was really cool to be part of the movie.
Gary asked if the girl ever talked to him on the set. Pete said they did hang out at the producer's house. Howard said he shouldn't have opened his mouth when he went to kiss her. Howard said she had her mouth sealed. Howard asked if she complained on set about having to kiss him. Pete said not at all. He said when he was around she didn't say anything. He said maybe when he wasn't around. Pete said she had a boyfriend who works on a soap opera. He said he figured maybe he shouldn't ask her out.
Howard asked if he had a boner while he was kissing her. Pete didn't say but he was laughing. Howard said of course he did. Howard said he has one just looking at her.
Howard said he had Karan on the phone. She makes Pete's toupees. She said that he has a new movie coming out and it's called Return of the Bald Bastard because he lost his hair. Howard wondered how you lose a toupee. Karan said that no one she knows has ever lost one. She said Pete has lost it twice. Howard asked how you lose one. Karan said that they bought him one and he lost it so she bought him the second one. She said he lost that one out in L.A. She said she was wondering ''what the fuck?'' Karan said that maybe they can hold a fund raiser to get him another one. Howard said he thinks that they should just leave it alone.
Pete said that the toupee fell off and he put it in a bag but then he's not sure what happened to it. Howard said he could have had his hair back if he remembered. Pete said he thinks he put it in his luggage but then he got home and it wasn't there. Howard wondered how you lose it. He said maybe he was drinking. He asked how you lose a toupee that's glued on your head.
Howard asked what this movie is about. Pete said he plays a CPA in the movie and the girl he kisses is his secretary he's having an affair with. He said they paid him $500 to do the movie for 2 weeks. He said they flew him out there too. Howard said that was good for him to get out of there for a couple of weeks. Howard asked if Johnny set that up. Pete said that he did. He said that Johnny didn't even ask for a cut. Gary asked if he got paid. Pete said that he got the check and he has the money.
Howard asked what they do when the girl leaves the movie. Pete said they had to re-write the movie. He said they had to change the script. Howard asked what they changed. Pete said they made it like she killed herself in the movie. Howard said that's what he was trying to figure out.
Howard had Johnny Fratto on the phone. Johnny said that the girl who walked off the movie was looking for Chlorox when he last saw her. Howard said that it must have been a tough thing for her to do. Howard asked if Pete is his new best client. Johnny said he doesn't have clients. He said he just helps some people. Johnny said he hasn't forgotten about Eric. He said that the money he's looking for was supposed to come from him. He said all he has to do is ask the next employer to pay the fee and they'll probably do it. Howard said he has to go and throw Pete in the kissing booth.
Johnny told Howard that they should do a release on Howard TV with that movie. Howard said they're going to see if they can do that. Jon Hein said that you know Pete fell in love with that chick. Pete said he did. He said they hung out that one night. Howard asked how long it took to fall for her. Pete said he knew it the second he saw her.
Howard said you know a girl that good looking is going to have a boyfriend. Howard asked what they did at the Producer's house. Pete said they stayed at the same house and she was in the bedroom next to him. He said he walked in and sat on the bed with her. He said he sat next to her and started rubbing her back and stuff. Howard asked if she called 9-1-1. Pete laughed. Howard said he went in and rubbed her back and she didn't stop him. Pete said she did tell him that she had a boyfriend. He told Howard about what he was doing with the girl and Howard was ready to throw up from the spit in the corner of his mouth.
Howard said Howard TV has a clip of Pete eating Cheetos and talking to this girl. Howard said this girl is so hot. Pete said she really is. He said he came in his pants. Howard asked if he really did. Pete said he thinks he did. He said he didn't want to tell her that. Howard said she really is hot. Howard asked if she told him to stop when he was rubbing her shoulders. Pete said he kissed her and she told him she didn't want to cheat. Howard asked if he's telling the truth. Pete said he swears he is. Gary asked if he connected or if she stopped him. Pete said he kissed her and connected and she kissed back. He said she thought that maybe he wanted to take it further and that's when she told him she didn't want to cheat. Gary said she had sex with him and she doesn't even know it.
Howard asked if Pete is on dating service for disabled people. Pete said he's not dating at all. He said he is on a site but he just gets emails. He said he doesn't subscribe. He said he has never paid to subscribe so he just gets the free newsletter and stuff. Howard asked what's wrong with the girls. Pete said it can be deaf, blind or whatever. Howard said he might be better off with blind than deaf. Howard said he should give it a try. Pete said he's not sure what's so offensive about him. Howard said it's the snorting noises and the spit coming out of his mouth and the Tourettes. Howard said that's what the answer is. Gary said it's like Pete just doesn't hear what he's saying. Howard told him about not having a job and things like that too.
Jon Leiberman came in and told Howard that Pete is on a gay web site too. Howard got a laugh out of that. Jon said he was at Pete's house and he saw his inbox and saw that he got emails from that disabled site and from a gay web site. He's know as ''Medical Pete'' on the disabled site so he sounds like a doctor. He said that Pete had to check what kind of disabled woman he wanted and it was ''amputee.'' He said on the gay site he hadn't filled out much more than just ''looking for a good time.'' Howard asked if he'd be turned off to a guy jerking him off. Pete said he doesn't want that. Howard asked what he's doing on the gay web site. Pete said he's not sure why he's even on there. Howard said he had to have signed up for that. Gary said Howard is on one in Australia. Howard said that's right but that's a different story.
JD told Howard that Pete did say once that he would let a girl fuck him with a strap-on. Pete said he's not sure he could do that. Howard asked him to stop picking his fingernails because he's going to throw up. He said there's skin all over the couch after that. Pete said he just needs a woman. Howard said he knows that feeling. Howard asked if he beats off a lot. Pete said he does and it's probably more than 3 times a day. Howard said that must fill his whole day. Howard asked what he beats off to. Pete said he just thinks about chicks. He said he thinks about girls that he could probably be with who are in his league. Howard said that must be a horrible nightmare. Howard said he must jerk off like a mad dog now that he kissed that girl.
Doug Goodstein asked Pete if he's delusional. He said they shot this Embedded special with Jon Leiberman and in that special he talked about being with a girl the night before but it turns out it never happened. Doug said that he must not have kissed this other girl. Pete said he did. Doug said he doesn't think so. He said he thinks it's just made up in his head. Howard said he thinks Doug is right. Howard said that Pete lies about this stuff. Gary stopped him from picking his nails because he could see Howard was bumming out.
Howard asked Pete if he kissed a girl. Pete said he needs a woman. He said he's fantasizing about stuff. Doug asked if he really did it in his dreams or in reality. Pete said it was real. Howard said Pete makes up all kinds of stuff. Gary wasn't sure if he believed the story or not. He said he believes that she was in the other room next to him.
Howard asked Pete when he jerks off. Pete said he does it in the morning and then another time around lunch. He said he does it a third time after lunch. He said that he might do it a couple more times at night. Howard asked when he beats off his fourth time. Pete said it happens at night. Howard said he has an incredibly active sex life. Howard asked if he beats off at the library. Pete said he doesn't do that. He said he can't do it in public places. Pete said that it shows something about his stamina.
Howard said that he has to take a break because he has Kevin Mazur there to talk about his web site Wireimage.com. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said he's not done with Medicated Pete yet. Howard said he has to get to Kevin Mazur too. Howard said that he has a new prank call Sal and Richard made to Swap Shop. Howard said he has some other clips to play today too.
Howard played a clip of David Letterman and Oprah talking off camera. It was Evil Dave and clips of Oprah that the guys edited together to make it sound like Oprah was giving Dave a hand job. Howard said that was Oprah and Letterman with their new love fest.
Howard said they have this Tradio guy, Jack, who gets a call from a little kid. He played the clip and it was actually a Swap Shop clip and he gets a call from a little kid who asks the host if he's gay. They called a few times with the little kid telling him he's stupid and his show is boring. The host, Jack, gets very frustrated with those calls and goes to break.
Howard said this guy Kevin Mazur has a movie called ''Sellebrity'' coming out this week. Howard said Kevin has a web site called WireImage.com and he made about $205 million from that. Howard asked how he got started in that. Kevin said he started selling concert tickets to people in 1977. Howard had to do the math to figure out how long ago that was. Howard did it the long way. He counted up and came up with 35 years.
Kevin told Howard that he's from Long Island and he would take the Long Island Railroad to the city. He said he would run into friends on the train and they told him about scalping tickets. He said they went to a show and on the way back they were talking about scalping tickets again. He said he was about 17 at the time. Kevin said he started hustling tickets after that. He said he was going to be a fireman or a cop but then he got into this. Howard asked about taking pictures. Kevin said he would take pictures at the concerts and they didn't care about that back then. He said he had a Nikon with a zoom lens. He said that he took a bunch of Stevie Nicks at a Fleetwood Mac concert.
Howard said Kevin did that and then someone told him about Annie Liebowitz and suggested that he call her and show her the pictures. Howard said Kevin didn't want to be a photographer but someone said they were good. Kevin said he called and ended up talking to Annie and she told him to take them to some photo agencies. He said they asked to hold on to them and they told him to check out People magazine. He said he got like $150 for those pictures that ended up in People Magazine. Howard said that's good money. Kevin said he was hooked after that. He said he wanted to take pictures at every concert. Howard said Elton John was one who let him back stage. Kevin said he ran into this guy Ken Sunshine who was a publicist. He said Ken told him he wanted to hire him for a job he had next week. IT was a luncheon for Paul McCartney. He said that was his first paid gig in the business.
Howard said Kevin was hired to take the pictures for the first time. Kevin said he wasted so much film back in the day. He said he took some photo classes but he didn't know what he was doing. He said it took him a while to learn what to do. Howard asked what he was paid for the McCartney thing. He said he thinks he got $250. Howard said that was like living like a king at that time.
Kevin said his dad wanted him to be a fireman. He said he was life guarding at a beach and his dad told him to stop wasting his time. Kevin said he got a job as a photographer at a hospital and he did that for two and a half years. From that Kevin said he never had a portfolio or anything. He said he built his career by word of mouth. He said he wasn't like Paparazzi or anything. He said that WireImage does show Paparazzi stuff but they call it soft pap. Howard asked if he thinks he would have been a Paparazzi if things had gone differently. Kevin said he doesn't think so. He said they went to the set of King of Comedy once and they got to meet Robert De Niro. He said he started taking pictures and the bodyguard pushed him and told him not to take any pictures without permission. He said that freaked him out and he could never be a Paparazzi. Howard said that he didn't have the stomach for it after that. Kevin said that De Niro told him to always ask to take a picture. He said that he started doing that and he started asking before taking pictures. He said that he told Dustin Hoffman about that and Hoffman said that De Niro must have scared the shit out of him.
Kevin told Howard about how he got access after getting a job at Rolling Stone. He said he got a job taking photos of Elton John at his concerts and he hit it off with him. He said he does portraits and things too. He said he did the Bob Dylan Love and Theft cover for him. He said that you can make good money doing that.
Howard said that Kevin has a movie coming out called Sellebrity and it's about these photographers who stalk celebrity kids. Kevin said that they're all fighting for a photo that costs like $150. He said that the photo prices were driven through the roof. He said that those Britney Spears pictures where she had her head shaved were probably worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. He said that was a big deal. Kevin said if you can get an exclusive shot then it's worth a lot. He said that there were like 3 guys who got the Britney Spears pictures. He said it depends on the photo and the angle. He said that there are a lot of guys who don't know how to use their camera, they just put it on Auto. He said that's why there are so many of them out there.
Howard asked Kevin about how much these guys can make and how hard they have to work for it. Kevin said they do have to work long and hard to make the money but if they get something good it can pay off. Howard asked if he's worth anything if someone gets a shot of him in a bathing suit on vacation or something. Kevin said it can be worth big bucks.
Howard said Kevin figured out that in 2001 he could put his photos online on a web site. Howard said that magazines can go online and buy pictures. He said Kevin's idea was to start a web site and let everyone see the pictures for free. Howard said anyone can look at them. Howard said you think that's stupid but Kevin figured out that people would still want to buy them. Howard said that it has expanded the market and now it's the number one place to go to buy images. Howard asked if he was told he was a moron to start this. Kevin said they went to their tech guy and asked if they could do it without a password. Kevin said he doesn't do Paparazzi photos and he loves people seeing the photos. He said that he wanted people to see the pictures. Kevin said if you have an exclusive then you don't put it on the web site. He said they'd wait to put it up until it was out in the magazines.
Howard said people must have told him that he was a douche starting his won web site. Kevin said there were a bunch who were established already. Howard asked what it cost to start it. Kevin said they had really good money guys and dev guys. He said they raised about half a million and then started the site and it took off within 6 months. Howard said he loves the site. He said he has a password so he can see them full size.
Kevin said he sold the site in 2007 for $205 million and he did alright in that. He said he was one of the co-founders. He said he did really well. Howard asked if he got 15 percent. Kevin said it was lower than that but he did alright. Howard tried to do the math to figure out what he made. Howard asked if he made 20 million. Kevin said he didn't but he did alright. He said he did really well.
Kevin told Howard that Sting came up to him and said that he must want to retire after selling the site. Kevin said he loves his job so he's not going to retire. Kevin said that he's been at some great events every year and he loves doing that stuff. He said he shot at Woodstock in 1994 and 1999. He said that there are a lot of great guys out there like Billy Joel and guys like that. Howard asked if Sting is a good guy too. Kevin said that Sting and Trudy were dancing with all of his friends at a party so they're great. Kevin said he ran into Sting and Trudy after the storm and they were asking how they all made out.
Howard asked Kevin who the biggest shit head is. Kevin said Frank Sinatra told him and the rest of the photographers to get out of there once. He said he came out screaming and he didn't want to be there. Howard asked if he's ever done nude shots. Kevin said he hasn't had the chance to. Howard asked if he does the fashion shows. Kevin said he has. He said that he has been back stage. He said that Naomi Campbell was there and getting changed back stage just about naked. He said she had a thong on. He said she didn't care that she was half naked.
Howard asked Kevin why we don't see more of the naked shots out there. He asked if he's ever fucked any of those girls. Kevin said he was married so he never did.
Howard gave Kevin another plug for his film ''Sellebrity'' and talked to him about that a little more. He said you can find out more at SellebrityMovie.com. Howard said that Kevin made out pretty well for just starting a web site. Howard said he also figured out that he's been in the business for 35 years. Howard wished him luck and went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said that they will get to Medicated Pete in the 9 o'clock hour. Howard said he has some clips of Pete acting too. Howard said that the movie is called Dead on Arrival. Howard said you can search for Anton pictures to find that. Howard said that you've never heard acting like this before in your life. He played a song parody that they put together about Pete. It was ''I Kissed Medicated Pete And I Didn't Like It'' to the tune of Katy Perry's ''I Kissed a Girl.''
Howard said he has to get to the top 5 and then get to Jim Breuer. Howard said number 5 is Justin Bieber. He played a clip of that song and then played number 4 which was The Lumineers. Howard said number 3 is Rihanna. Number 2 was Taylor Swift. Howard said number 1 was a Howard Stern Show song parody. He was joking of course. He said number 1 is actually by Bruno Mars. He played a short clip of that and then moved on.
Howard said Robin is out today but she'll be back tomorrow. Howard said he had another person with giant breasts sit in for her. That would be Jon Hein.
Howard said he has to find out how Jason did with not smoking pot over the weekend. He said that it's day four of him not smoking.
Howard had Jim Breuer come in. Howard said he heard that he's thinking of leaving Sirius to start his own podcast. Howard said Jim looks funny today. He just has a way of walking into a room and looking funny. Howard said Jim isn't doing as well as he wanted to be doing at this point. Howard said he feels that he's so talented. Howard said he's shocked that he doesn't have his own sitcom or something. Howard asked if he's on bad terms with Lorne Michaels. Howard said Fred Armisen was in there and he's all set up. Jim said he and Fred graduated together in high school. He said Fred scared the living life out of him. He said he had an army jacket and a Mohawk in the early 80s. Jim said that Fred's sister is beautiful and he knew her. He said he tried to date her but he wasn't able to do that. He said he thinks she was a year or two younger. He said she was stunning.
Jim said he was a geek in high school. He said he was the funny guy. He didn't get laid until his senior year of high school. Jim said he didn't do anything until he graduated. Howard asked how far he went to get Fred's sister. Jim said he would hang out with her until 4 in the morning just talking to her. He said he would hang out with her and Fred would come home and he would tell her that he scares him. He said she would tell him that he was hilarious.
Howard asked if he ever kissed her or anything. Jim said he never did. Howard said maybe Fred was scary because he was a musician. Jim said he had friends who were scary too. Howard asked if it's weird that they were both on Saturday Night Live. Jim said it's really weird. He said he saw Fred doing this character on SNL and he thought to himself that it was Freddy from high school. He said he didn't think that could be him. Then he saw that he was on SNL and it was Freddy who used to have a Mohawk. He said he heard that he was in Europe playing in a band.
Howard asked Jim if he ever had any idea that he waned to be on SNL. Jim said he crossed paths with him years ago but he was hard to get a hold of. He said it wasn't until the last year that he started talking to him. He said he's just recently opened up and started going on radio. Howard said it's so weird that they both went to high school together.
Howard said it's weird about how Lorne Michaels picks certain people to back. Jim said that they were close for a while and Lorne told him that if he ever had anything to produce he should come to him. He said Lorne told him that he's too nice for the business. Jim said he hated the head writer over there. He said he asked Lorne to leave. Jim said he doesn't talk to Lorne much these days. He said he saw him at the McCartney concert and he said hi to him. He said his son has really grown up since he last saw him.
Howard asked Jim what he said to Lorne about the head writer. Jim said he told Lorne that the guy was doing everything he could to cock block him. He said that he tried to change things but he could feel this friction and it was just time to leave. He said he was just angry and he had to get out of there.
Jim told Howard that he's going to be pitching a show this week. Howard asked where he's doing that. Jim said it's at VH-1. He said he has a rock sketch show he wants to do. Howard tried to have that conversation with him about the show. Jim said he'll come in next week and told him the pitch after he's pitched it. He said he wrote it out over a year and it's from what he's done on his radio show. Howard said everything he pitched he sold. Howard said he was never turned down. Howard said the secret is that you have to do something special in the pitch. Howard said he had the actors come in and act out Son of the Beach. He said when he did the animated thing he had some animated stuff set up.
Jim said he has been waiting for Howard's animation thing forever. Howard said he backed out of that whole thing. Jim said he was waiting for that for so long. Howard said it was green lit but he pulled the plug on it. Howard said he wanted to do it a certain way but the network didn't.
Jim said that Warren Littlefield loved him. He said he would pitch a show to him and he'd act it out. Howard said that's what he has to do. Jim said he had like 10 people in the room at the time and everyone in the room was puckered up while Warren was there. He said Warren loved it. Howard said he figured he was too tight in the room. Jim said he has to go in alone.
Howard asked Jim what's going on there at Sirius. He heard he's getting upset. Jim said the thing is that he listens to Howard, he knows he's a different beast though. Jim said with anyone there it seems if you put something out you're happy about that's it. He said if you didn't listen to it that Friday, it's gone. He said you can go on demand and listen but he finally sat down and talked about doing a podcast. He said that it has come to a point where you can develop an audience. He said he thinks that he can do it now. Howard said that they can get it whenever they want it. Jim said it's there forever. He said it's never gone. Howard said then people will go to the live show. Jim said they already come. He said that Howard has enhanced that audience. He said that people love when he talks about his family on Howard's show.
Howard asked Jim if he's going to leave Sirius and do his own podcast. Jim said that he thought about it. He said the whole thing is weird. He said he has seen certain guys doing podcasts. He said he did a tour with bill Burr and Dave Attell. He said that the guys were going up to Burr and telling him they listen. He said Bill told him he doesn't have to do anything and people love it. Jim said he saw Carolla doing it live. He said he was baffled seeing him live. He said his show was sold out. It wasn't even a comedy show. He said the audience was watching him doing his podcast. Jim said he wondered what he was doing and why he was working so hard. Jim was doing his impressions and doing his Brian Johnson and Tracy Morgan voices.
Howard asked what this Brian Johnson show bit is that he does. Jim did some of that for him and he was doing Johnson talking and having cannons firing in the background so you can't understand what he's saying. Jim had Howard cracking up. Howard told Jim that he should get Fred Armisen's sister to do the show with him.
Howard asked Jim how his wife is doing. Jim said she's going to be better. He said she had a double mastectomy. He said that she had breast cancer and she did that because she has the gene that causes it. He said they found it in the other breast when they removed that. Jim said that she has the temporary thing going on now. He said that's a really hard thing that they blow you up with. He said that she's going to have implants and she was flat before. He said he has never seen her with big ones before. Jim said he doesn't care either way. He said he's a butt guy himself. Howard asked if he's talking about anal. Jim said no. He said he just likes the butt. Howard asked if thinks that breast cancer was a bit of a blessing. Jim said he didn't say that.
Howard asked what they do to make the nips. Jim said they take something in the leg and make them. He said he's not even sure. He said he might put her pinkie toe on there. Howard said she'll have a big, long nail on there. Jim laughed. Howard asked how big they're going to go. Jim said she may go C-cup. Howard said she might fall over. Jim laughed again. Jim said that they were at the doctor's office and he was saying they can make them bigger if they like. He said they can bring them down in size too. Jim said that they're stretching the asking for 2-3 weeks and then they can figure out what size to go with. Howard asked if he's made love to her after the surgery. Jim said he has but it's hard because he can't touch them. He said her mother is probably listening now. He said she's going to freak out.
Howard asked if D-cups are out of the question. Jim said that he was never into fake breasts. He said he likes to see jiggle. He said he likes anything natural.
Howard said he didn't know about this. He said he would have called and said he was sorry to hear about this. Jim said they have to find out if she has to get Chemo and things like that. Howard said so many people have cancer. Jim said there really are a lot. He said Long Island is really bad. He said it seems like more women have it than men. Jim said the women come out of the woodwork when they find out. Howard said some women have their breasts taken off just to prevent it. Jim said his wife has the ovarian cancer gene too. He said she might have to do something about that too.
Howard asked if her prognosis is good. Jim said the breasts are out, the lymph nodes are out. He said they have to go to a cancer doctor. They're going to a doctor in Morristown since that's close to where they live. Howard said they should be going to Sloan Kettering. Jim said he would do that. He said that they're not going to Russia though. He said it's fine there at Morristown. He said he'll look into Sloan. Howard said he thought he really loved her. Jim laughed.
Howard asked how Jim's wife is going to be. He said she'll be fine. He said she found it herself. He said she felt a pain in her breast like it was a toothache. He said that she went to the doctor and they found it was cancer. He said that he had to go out and do shows and it was right around the hurricane. He said it was horrifying. He said his dad is still living with him too. Jim said he has to do some work so he can have some money when he retires. He said he has 3 daughters and he has to put them through college. Jim said that the home schooled kid is going to go to high school now. He said she's ready for it. He said she's ready to be a star. Jim said she doesn't want to continue doing the home school thing. Howard asked why he did the home school thing since he loved high school. Jim said he just liked hanging out in high school.
Howard asked Jim how his kids meet friends. Jim said she's in all kinds of other things that she meets people at. Jim said that kids today learn more from the computer than they do in school. Howard asked how she learned math. Jim said she taught herself. He said they have tutors too though. Howard said he's shocked by this. He said he's shocked by that and by the cancer thing and not going to Manhattan.
Howard asked what happened with the hurricane. Jim said he had to buy a generator off the back of a truck. He said he lost power for over 2 weeks. He said the generator was like $750. He said that was pretty much the going rate. He said that he was selling them for like $1000. He said that he had to get a guy to set it up in the house for him. Jim said they had to flush with buckets of water. He said he had to tell the kids not to crap unless they crapped. He said that they had to stop eating so they wouldn't crap.
Howard asked Jim about his dad crapping his pants. Jim said he has a nurse who helps him out with that not. He said his dad is clueless about the power outage. Howard said Jim's mom was beating the crap out of his father. Jim said she tells him that she has no idea what he's talking about. Jim said he called her one day as a guy who was asking her about beating her husband. She said she may have shoved him. Jim said he's pretty sure that she's like a cold blooded killer when she denies it. He said it's really creepy. Jim said that was the first time he thought she was capable of murder.
Jim said his dad will ask if he's going home that night and she'll say that he blew it and he's a liar. He said that it pisses him off that she creates a lie saying that he created this. He said that it's like she lit a fire and then blames the firemen for saying that she did it. Howard said he must be resentful from dealing with all of this. Jim said he's not though. Jim said Howard will be remembered as one of the greatest of all time but he has parents and he has to live with that when they're gone. Jim said he loves knowing where his parents came from and all of that.
Howard said Jim has to pay for his mom's house and all of that. Jim said he does and he's getting tired of that. He said that his mom is crazy about money. He said that he moved them up to Jersey from Florida and they can't drive now. Jim said his father is like the guy in Gran Turino staring at his car. He said that his dad always wanted him to take his car into the city. He did an impression of his dad telling him to do that. Jim said his mom asked if he wanted the car. Jim said she said she would sell it to him for $10,000 after he bought a house for them. Howard said that he has to resent all of that. Jim said he did get angry and it pissed him off. Jim said that he thinks he understands them now. He said his mother is money driven. He said there is a part of him that hates manipulation. He said it's like he's getting therapy right now.
Howard said he heard that Jim became a racist recently. Howard said during the hurricane he was waiting on line for gasoline and he became a racist. Jim said sure he did. Jim said that he thinks he's very open but during crisis that's when people step up or they are looked at a little differently. Jim said he had to do a show at Foxwoods and he got off over the New York border to get gas. He said he had to buy oil for his generator too. He said that he's not sure what the guy was but he was gouging people. He charged 100 percent over price for motor oil. He said that the guy said if he didn't want to buy it then don't buy it. Jim said this is why people are going to smash up his place if something goes down and he looks anything like the people. Jim said he had racist feelings and he's never had it before. Jim said he actually did when he was a kid. He said they used to go out in the street and yell things out. He said he used to call those bottle rocket things ''nigger chasers.'' He said they used that word all the time. Jim said that's what they were taught when they were young. He said he's not a racist now.
Jim got back to the car story and how his mother tried to sell it to him. He said he didn't talk to her for like 2 weeks after that. Jim said his sister came to a couple of his shows about 4 years ago. He said she would heckle him from the audience. Jim said that Brian Johnson and a bunch of other big people were in the audience. Jim said that she was telling Brian Johnson talking out loud during the show and she got thrown out. He said she's out of control. He said he gets along with her though. Howard said Jim is the most forgiving motherfucker in the world. Howard said he's a better man than he is. Howard said Jim looks angry but he's really not. Jim said he has anger in him. He said he is capable of unleashing it too.
Jim told Howard that his sister ended up coming up and taking his father's car. He said his mom said she needed it. Jim said that's when his dad stopped living. He said his dad loved that car and that was his life. He said two years later he was in Tampa and his sister came to visit his dad. He said that she was going to take him to the Elks club. Jim said that he was looking out in space and he asked if she was bringing the car. He said that his dad told him that's when his dad said he realized that everyone says ''fuck Jim'' and he stared back off into space. He said it crushed him as a man. Jim said he would do anything for his dad. He said he's been the happiest he's ever been living in his house. Howard asked if his wife ever has to change his diaper. Jim said she can't do it. He said she'll gag just telling him about it. Jim said he only does it on the weekends now. He said the nurse helps out during the week.
Jim said the nurse is $5-7,000 a month. He said that's not on him though. Jim said he pays for his mom and that's 3 grand. He said his mother gets a pension so she has to pay for all of his care. Jim said that's technically his money so she's paying that while he's paying for his mom. Jim said if she dies then he's going to have to put a pillow over his head. Jim said that the guy is 90 now and he thinks that he can't live much longer but he sticks around.
Howard asked how big his shits are. Jim said sometimes his dad's diaper will get stuck. He has to put on gloves and make sure he's done with food. He said that he has to get up in there and pull shit out. Jim said he has learned a lot of respect for nurses and home maids. Howard said you have to say thank-you nurse when they're there. Jim said that's right. Jim said that he has learned who really works hard. He said that it's people like these nurses are pulling shit out of people's ass. It's not the guys who are ripping people off during the hurricane.
Howard asked Jim how long it takes to clean his dad up. Jim said it's about 10-15 minutes. He said he sticks him in the shower and cleans him up. He said he made a walk in shower and while it's going on all you hear is him gagging. He said he tries to make it fun for his dad. He said that he'll joke about how he can't have peanuts anymore. Jim said he sneaks him beer and stuff too. He said the guy is 90 so why not. Jim said they should have a car wash for these people.
Howard asked how long it takes to clean off the shit. Jim said it's like 10 minutes. He said that it's worse than a kid because there is a lot more food there. He said it smells like a dead animal when he shits himself. Howard said he will go to heaven. Jim said he's not worried about that. He said he's here now.
Howard asked Jim if he does impressions in his act now. Jim said he does them at the end. He said they'll ask him for certain stuff. He said that he's peaking as a stand-up now. He said he's filming a new one hour special that he has to sell. He said that he's pretty confident that it will sell. Howard asked about the impressions. Jim said that he'll ask what they want to hear and they will yell out stories they've heard on Howard's show. He said they love Tracy Morgan. Jim did some of that. Jim said that he heard he's coming on tomorrow. He said he's annoyed that he didn't know he was going to be on. He said that Howard could get 4-5 hours of the two of them. Howard said that's what they should be doing together. He said he and Tracy need to do a show like that. He said it's time for Jim to do that.
Howard asked if they ever invite him back on SNL. Jim said no. He said they never even air his Joe Pesci stuff as reruns. Howard said that's the greatest bit ever. Jim did some of that impression. Howard asked if he ever brought Lorne a Christmas gift. Jim said he didn't. Howard said he should and get back in his good graces. Jim said he was very good to him and he should do that. Howard said he should send him a gift.
Howard had Jim do his Pesci impression and talked to him as if he were there. Howard asked Joe where he's been. Joe said he's been doing Snickers commercials. Howard said they should have Jim back to do that and Goat Boy. Jim said that he went to a Mets game months after he was on Howard's show as Joe Pesci. He said this guy called his dad over to see him doing Joe Pesci. Jim said he did the impression and the guy stuck his finger in his face and said he knows Joe Pesci and he is no Joe Pesci. He said the guy thought he was the real Joe Pesci sitting in that day.
Howard gave Jim some plugs for some upcoming tour dates. You can find out more at JimBreuer.com. Howard told him to get in good with Lorne by sending him a gift. Howard said he should get in good with him again. Jim said that Lorne did tell him that if he needed a producer he could come to him. Howard said he should go to him. Jim said that he hasn't had a project with him.
Howard asked Jim if he has a manager. Jim said that's a long story. He said he has an agent though. He said he's talking to him. Howard said that Jim has a show on at some time there. Jim said he's on Raw Dog from 4-6 on Friday's only. He said it repeats from 9-11 and that's it, it's gone. Howard said that's enough. Howard gave him some more plugs.
Howard talked to Jim about Tracy Morgan. Jim said that the guy is the best to hang out with. Howard said the funniest he's ever seen him is at a Knicks game. He said he sat next to him and he was joking about the game the whole time. He said that he should have his own show where you can hear him commenting about the game.
Howard asked if Jim is tight with Tracy. Jim said he's not as tight as he thought. He said that Tracy changes his number all the time. He said he also canceled on him a bunch of times when he asked him to come on his show. Jim said he still loves the guy though. Howard asked if he wants him to talk to Tracy tomorrow for him. Jim said maybe he can get his number for him. Howard said maybe he'll tell him that Jim misses him. Jim said that he can ask him to just give him a call and say hello. Howard said he thinks that it's better to say that Jim thinks that he blew him off when he got big. Jim said he knows what he'll say. He did his Tracy impression and told Howard what his response will be. He said he'll say he's busy and he ''has peoples.'' Jim said that he has spoken to those peoples because he's canceled on him a few times.
Jim said that it was great hanging with Howard. He said he thinks Howard's shows have been amazing. Howard said he wants to know what this show is he's pitching. Jim said he'll email him after Friday. He said the show is hot. He did more of his Brian Johnson impression. Howard said he has to do that during the pitch. Jim said he will. He said he's not leaving the room until they tell him when he's starting. Howard asked if his agent is helping him craft the pitch. Jim said he is. He said he's a monster in the room with the pitch. Jim said he has to be the one in the room and no one else.
Howard said he has Tracy on the phone. He picked up and it was the guys in the back playing clips of Tracy telling Howard that he's a dick. They had him saying that he's crazy because he's edgy. They had Tracy tell Jim to sign him a check. He said he'll drop a couple of people.
Howard said Jim should do that impression of Tracy during his pitch. Jim said he will. He said he wants to take Jose there from Sirius to this show he wants to do too. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and asked where Axl Rose has been lately. Howard said he should come on his show. Gary said he got an email from his publicist saying that he was going to do the show but he wasn't able to get a hold of him again. Gary said he was supposed to do one radio show and it was going to be this one. Howard said he would love to talk to him and go from the start to the end. He said he'd love to hear about that career.
Howard asked how Jason did over the weekend not smoking weed. Jason said it was about a 6 on a scale of 10. He said he has not smoked since Thursday night. He said he didn't have any booze either. Jason said that it wasn't as hard as he thought it would be. He said last night was the hardest. He said before he went to bed he wanted to smoke. He said he tossed and turned and then went to sleep. He said this has been three full days weed and booze free. Jason said he would prefer to be smoking because it's more fun.
Gary said that he knows someone who shares the same dealer and the dealer was hurting. Jason said he's making a serious dent in his business.
Howard took a call from Marijuana who wanted to talk to Jason. It was Richard crying and saying he was upset about him giving him up. He said he has a new friend and his name is Justin Bieber.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why Jim isn't in the Artie seat. Howard said he really is great on the show. He has some sad stories but he makes them funny.
Gary said that Jason threw him under the bus on the Wrap Up Show the other day. He said Jason was talking about some of the people there who smoke weed and he reminded him that he gave him a joint last year for Christmas.
Howard said he doesn't make any judgments and has no problem with the drug thing. He said that as long as you don't drive under the influence. Howard said in show business you'd think people would be liberal. He said you don't talk about it. Jason said he's doing this because he's not addicted. Howard said that you can get into it habitually. Jason said he doesn't have a physical craving for it. He said by the end of the month he'll never talk about it again. Jason said he is planning a party for after this month is over. Howard said he may have a change of mind by then.
The caller said he can't stand Jason's voice on the radio. Howard said it's a good story though. He said he's not sure why people would be upset with him throwing people under the bus. He said that's what people want to hear. He said if he stops then no one knows anything.
Howard said he was swooning like a groupie the other day. He said he got to talk to David Allen who wrote ''Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity.'' He said he was carrying on like he was The Beatles or something. Howard said he was like a girl talking to the guy.
Howard had Pete come in because he wanted to talk about this kissing booth thing. He said no one is going to kiss him. Howard said he has a beard now and he's looking odd. Howard asked Pete if he wants to do this. Pete said it was up to Howard. Gary said what they should have done was gotten a really good looking guy to stand out there first. He said then they could see how many people would go for Pete. Howard said he's not sure any woman wants to kiss any stranger like that.
Howard asked Pete if that girl made out with him. Pete said that they did get lip to lip and then she said she didn't want to cheat. He said he has to understand that. Gary said any further would have been called rape. Pete said the guy could have been 6'5'' and run after him. Gary said that it's already gone from they kissed to just being lip to lip. Howard said they have a shot of the girl with slobber all over her face after the kissing scene. Howard said it's no wonder that girl quit the movie. Howard said the stuff on her cheek looks like jizzum. Pete didn't know what it was. Howard said it's Pete's spit.
Howard asked Pete if he memorized any lines for this movie. Pete said he did with some of it. Howard said Pete says ''line'' after every line he says. Howard said he has Tourettes but he must have a low IQ too.
Howard played some of the audio of Pete acting. Pete had to ask for his first line which was a simple ''Yes.'' They had to feed him every line. Howard asked how they made this movie if they have to edit all of his lines together. Howard said he should have rehearsed it with a friend or something. Pete said this was a big thing for him. Jon asked if he read the script at all. Pete said he didn't go into it not knowing what the movie was about. He said that he read the whole script.
Howard said Pete should have memorized the lines. Pete said he was thrown into this and it's a learning curve. Jon asked if that's what went on for the entire movie. Howard said he has more audio. He played a clip of Pete asking for his line again.
Howard said he has the girl on the phone who kissed Pete. Howard said that she's beautiful and her name is Jackie. She was on the phone and thanked him for that. Howard said they saw the kissing scene. Howard asked about the glob of spit on her face. She said ''Oh my god.'' Howard asked if it was hard to do the scenes. She said that he's a really good actor and she said it wasn't hard. She said he was committed to the role and he was nice.
Howard asked Jackie about the night they slept in the same house with the producer. Howard said Pete fell for her as soon as he saw her. Jackie said hi to Pete. Pete said ''what's up?'' Howard asked Jackie if it's true that Pete came into her room and started massaging her shoulders and tried to kiss. Jackie said that she did tell him that she likes him but she was seeing someone. Jackie said that he didn't massage her or kiss her. Howard asked if the guy in the room is her boyfriend. She said it is. He was saying that she did it. Jackie said that he knows what went on. Howard said he just wants the truth. Jackie said ''yes.'' Howard said he can't believe that. Howard said she's like one of the hottest chicks he's ever seen. Her boyfriend was laughing. Jackie said she just woke up and she was in her underwear walking around with a bottle of wine.
Howard asked if she's been partying all night. She said she was asleep but her friends were partying. Howard asked if Jackie would have gotten it on with Pete if she wasn't in a relationship. One of the guys in the room said she would have. Howard asked if she was aware that Pete came in his pants when he kissed her. She didn't know that. Howard had Pete tell her. Jackie said that he's a nice guy and that's mean. Howard had Pete tell her what happened. Pete said it was a nice thing. Pete said it was a nice moment. Howard told him to tell her what happened.
Howard said that Pete would love her so much more than her boyfriend. Howard said he's in love with her. Howard said he came just from touching her. Pete said he feels kind of intimidated by that guy. Howard asked Pete when he came. Pete said he doesn't remember. Pete said it's very embarrassing.
Jackie asked if they put her name out there. Howard said that they only know her as Jackie. She said it's Jackie Moore. Gary asked if she left the movie because of Pete. Jackie said that it wasn't Pete. She said that they switched the direction of the movie. She said it was different than she thought it was going to be. Howard said he hears her.
Howard asked Pete what happened with her. Pete said it's embarrassing. Howard said that's fair enough. Howard said that she did confirm that he kissed her. Jon said that it was a compliment to him based on how hot she is. Pete said that she's hot and regardless of what happened on the set she's really attractive. Howard asked if he came when he made out with her on the set. Pete said they were working so he didn't. Pete said he has some sort of professionalism. Howard said yeah, he said ''line'' for every line. Howard said it's very weird talking to Jackie because Pete keeps talking over her. Howard thanked her for calling in and said he didn't believe that Pete made out with her based on how hot she is.
Jackie told Howard that she's barely wearing any clothes. Her friends were saying hi to Howard by yelling out. Howard spent another minute talking to her and then let her go.
Pete said he did one scene where he had an erection during a dance scene. He said it was a party scene. Pete said there was contact. He said he came in that scene. Gary asked if they ever found out if he has had sex for real. Pete said that he has. Howard said he did have that girlfriend. Pete said he can last longer when he's inside a woman. He said that he doesn't finish like that all the time.
Howard told Doug to call these people and get this movie on Howard TV. Howard said that they'll get them good distribution. Pete said they're looking for big distribution. He said he gets 10 percent of the gross if they get good distribution. Howard said that you can check out the trailer for the movie at YouTube by searing for Anton Pictures (or here).
Howard had another clip of Pete trying to act. They had the director telling him to say his line but Pete didn't know what the line was.
Howard wondered if they should send Pete down to the street. Doug said they should give it a try. Howard said maybe they should pay a woman to kiss Pete. Howard said maybe 50 bucks. Gary said he doesn't have 50 bucks. He said he might be able to get it out of petty cash. He said he'll get $100 and they'll try it twice. Howard said that Pete always has saliva on his mouth. He said that he has to kiss lip to lip with a woman. Howard said it would be funny of he blew a load too. Howard told Pete to go down there and see what happens. Pete said he'll do that. They sent him out and went to break.
Howard came back and said that was a beautiful song. He said they have to get to Medicated Pete's kissing thing. They played the ''I Kissed Medicated Pete'' song parody again. Howard took a call from Ralph who suggested they start at 10 bucks to kiss Pete. Howard said they'll start at 10 and go to 20, 40 and then 50. Ralph said if she's a 10 she won't do it for 100. He said they have to find a woman who is a 5 to kiss him. Howard said he thinks that they won't find anyone. He said they'll all think it's too weird.
Howard went to Pete who was down on the street. Howard told him to get in the booth. Pete couldn't hear him. He had the headphone off his ear. Howard said it's muffled because it's not on his ear. Howard asked where the other guys were to help him out. Howard said his fucking guys won't step in to help.
Howard told Pete to calm down for a minute. He finally got the headphones on. Howard told Pete to get in the booth. Pete tried getting someone's attention and gave up right away. They finally got the headphones on his head. Pete said he can hear them clearly now. Howard asked why the TV crew didn't step in right away. He said he's amazed at their show.
Howard told Pete to get in the kissing booth. Howard told Pete to offer 10 bucks to a woman to kiss him. Pete started offering the full 50 right away. Howard told Pete it has to be 10 bucks. Pete said it's 10 bucks. Howard said this isn't going to work so he got Jon Leiberman to go up to women and ask if they wanted to kiss Pete for 10 bucks. Jon asked a few women but they weren't going for it. Jon asked one man. He wasn't going for it either. Jon said they'll have to go higher than 10 bucks. Howard told Jon to go for 20 bucks. Jon asked a woman if she wanted to do it for 20. He offered her 40 bucks. She didn't want to do it. Her husband told her to try it. Jon offered the full $100 but Gary told him not to do that. Howard said Jon just ruined the whole bit. Howard said Jon is the worst.
Jon was trying to make the deal but it wasn't working out. They wanted to kiss on the cheek. Howard said they have the worst crew. Jon was trying to put the headphones on the couple but Howard said he's an idiot and told him that he just fucked up the whole bit. Howard asked why he went to $100 and why he wasn't wearing headphones. Jon said it was an impromptu thing. Howard said he had a woman there who he should have asked to kiss Pete. Howard said he's going to bail out on this. He said he's sending Gary down to handle it.
Howard did a live commercial after that. Howard asked if Ralph heard that. Ralph said it was a complete disaster. They goofed on Jon for a few seconds and then Howard finished up his live commercial. Howard did a second live read after that one.
Howard got back to Gary down on the street. Gary was asking people out there if they would kiss Pete. Gary said they were all running away and they were starting at $40. Howard said one girl looked like that good looking girl from The View. Howard said that she ran away as soon as she took a look at Pete. Gary kept trying but every woman was saying no. Howard said it didn't work. Pete said it ain't working. Ralph was still on the line and he said ''shocking.'' Howard said that he was right and everyone who thought he could get a kiss was wrong. Gary said he's pretty sure if he keeps trying he can find someone. Gary told a woman that he'd give her $50 cash to do it. Everyone said no. Gary asked another woman if she would do it and she said she was in a bad mood and she doesn't kiss strangers. Ralph said she doesn't kiss ugly strangers.
Howard told Gary he was done. He muted the microphone and said that he has to wrap up and end this. He let Ralph go and did another live commercial.
Doug interrupted Howard and said that they have someone who is willing to kiss Pete. Howard went back to Jon Leiberman. Jon asked her what she thought of Pete. She thought he was good looking. She was going to do it for $50. She said she likes to make money. Jon gave her the 50 bucks and had her kiss Pete. She gave him a quick peck and that was $50 for her. She said that it was okay. She said she would do it for another 50. Howard said that was it. Howard said maybe Taiwan is the place for Pete. Howard asked if he came. Pete said he did not. Pete said he likes to stick to Caucasian women. Howard said he's so done with this bit.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they have to end this bit. He said that he's a good guy but they're crushing his confidence. Howard said Pete's confidence was crushed years ago.
Howard said that the world's oldest person died at 114 years old. Howard said that the oldest person in the world always dies soon after they're announced as the oldest. He said they're cursed. Howard said they said that she was older than crossword puzzles. Howard said Ronnie is older than Tic Tac Toe.
Howard said he read about Courteney Cox is going to show her boobs in every scene in Cougar Town to keep people from looking at her aging face. Howard said he might have to do that on AGT. Howard said he hasn't heard a thing about who the other judges are going to be. Howard said he could have sworn they started shooting in February last year. Howard said they haven't told him a thing yet. He can't even get the schedule.
Gary told Howard that they're having a meeting today but they'll only have a rough idea about the schedule. JD said they had the Olympics last year so that may have screwed up the schedule. Howard said he has no idea if Howie Mandel is in or out.
Howard asked if Pete is okay. Gary said he's fine. Gary said he thought it was over and then he got up there and Pete was kissing a chick. Gary said it was still going on when he got back up there.
Gary said that they were all listening to an iPhone that was calling a listen line to hear the show down there. He said they can't do anything within a block of that place. Howard said they can't go out on the street anymore then. Howard said he doesn't understand why no one could hear him. Gary said the headphones weren't loud enough.
Howard said that Mel Gibson's 94 year old father is divorced. Howard said that's good for anyone who wants an anti-Semitic old man.
Howard said he was reading that guys who have had prostate surgery lose an inch of length in their penis. Howard said he read that Megan Fox joined Twitter and she showed a picture of R2D2 to prove how nerdy she is. Howard said Adrianne Curry does the same thing. Howard said it's like hot chicks want to prove they're gettable. Jon said they're already hot though. Howard wondered if they're trying to be one of us. Howard said they have to show what a nerd they are.
Howard took a quick call from Jeff the drunk who said that he has quit smoking. Then Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Axl Rose impression. Howard let that go for a few seconds and then ended the show around 10:30am.
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Jon said that Howard also talked about how Howard wasn't able to get into ''Girls.'' Jon said he's with Howard and doesn't get it. Gary said the show does get better as it goes along.
Jon said Eric the Actor wants someone else to pay his SAG dues. Gary said he was basically asking why Johnny Fratto won't pay them for him.
Jon said that he wanted to talk about this Pete thing. He said Pete came in and he stared serenading Gary as he sat on the couch. Gary said he was in his face and making all of the gyrations and he was just waiting for him to spit on him when he said ''purple.''
Jon said that Pete was Scott's intern and then they brought him back for another semester. He had nothing to do so he would stand next to him for the entire show. He said he can't stand still so he's always crumpling paper and things. Jon said Howard explained to Pete why women aren't into him and he doesn't hear it. Jon said what makes it worse for him is that Jason and Will push him over to him. He said that Pete is a good hearted guy and he feels for him. He said he doesn't have a lot going on so you root for a guy like that. He said he was hoping this movie would turn into something special for him.
Jon asked how you lose your hair twice. Gary said that was hysterical. He said that he's not sure how he loses it in his own house.
Gary said his guess is that Pete went into that room with his co-star and Pete tried kissing her and she told him she has a boyfriend. Gary said he's not sure that they ever actually kissed. Jon said Pete likes to entertain and he likes to perform. He said out on the street Gary was trying to help by saying $40 and Pete was saying 50. Gary said he wanted him to just be quiet but he kept talking and coming out of the booth.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that bit was great and Howard is at his best when he's doing something like that. He said the things Howard says are the best. Gary said Howard did make it funny by keeping it going. He said he thinks Howard was really annoyed with the way it went though. Jon said he felt the same way. He said Howard plays into it though. They had to go to break a short time later.
Scott the Engineer was in and said they weren't able to use their usual wireless system. He said they didn't know where they would be chased from if they went across the street. Jason said that he was told they would be in a certain place but they ended up moving. Gary asked where they tested things from. Scott said they were up and down the block. Scott said they were using a cell phone. He said they didn't have to worry about where the location was. Jason said that he heard it all over modulated. He said he had to take his headphones off. Scott said Pete told him that it was clear once they got the headphones on.
Scott DePace came in and said they decided on the location of the bit which was up toward Times Square. He said there were more women up there. Scott Salem said that he was told it would be on the block. He said that he had to come up with another way to get the whole thing to work.
Gary said he wondered why Scott the Engineer wasn't down there to help. Scott said all they had to do was send the audio down there. He said that he had to send the signal from there to them. Gary asked what would happen if the microphone didn't work. DePace said that was up to them but there should have been someone down there listening. Gary said he think that Scott should have been down there just to cover himself.
Jason asked who was in charge of the bit. He said it wasn't cleared who was handling it. Jon Leiberman said he was kind of upset that Howard said he ruined the bit because he jumped in on it at the last minute. Jon Hein said he's glad that Jon stepped in but then he came out with the $100 offer. Leiberman said he could see what was going on there. DePace said that he was talking to people off microphone who were rolling their eyes from $10 up. Gary said at $100 he thinks he could have gotten someone in 30 seconds.
Leiberman said that he saw that it was after 10 and he wanted to see if he could get the bit to work. Gary said they were talking about 10, 20, 40 and a max of 50 bucks. Leiberman said he didn't hear that. He said he was just trying to get someone to kiss Pete and get a resolution to the whole thing. Jason said he was just walking up to people and people would shoot them down right away. Gary said people cover up their eyes as soon as you put a camera in their face.
Jon said that Gary was down there and tried it and Howard said that was it, they were done. Gary left and came back up. When he got back up there he heard that Pete was kissing a woman. Jon asked who made the call to keep going. DePace said that Richie Wilson and Jon kept going for the TV show. He said they were doing it for the TV show. Gary asked how Howard found out about it. They said Doug blurted it out to him. Jon said that Howard pointed out that they don't listen to him when he wants to end something. DePace said that he's not sure. Pete said he wasn't able to hear Howard on the headphones. Jason said he had the same problem.
Gary said the bit should be a 2 minute bit and he's upset that he has to save the bits. Gary said that Howard has to make it funny. Jason said he's not sure who was supposed to make this whole thing happen. Gary said they were going to see if they could do it with just Pete. DePace said that he nominates Jason to produce it.
Jon said he saw Pete throwing that money around left and right. Pete said he was trying to get someone's attention but no one was paying attention.
Jon had Teddy play a clip of Pete talking to Howard about why women don't like him and Howard explaining it to him but Pete wasn't listening.
Pete said he understood Howard but no one else is telling him this shit. He said he was just goofing around. He said he does need someone to point it out to him. Jason said he says a lot of shit on the air and he makes up a lot of things. Pete was trying to explain himself and he had a hard time with it.
Jon said he thinks that Pete is a great guy. He said he likes to please and if you lead him down a path he'll go there times a thousand. Jason said he doesn't think he's a malicious liar but the things he says change from day to day. He said that he will say one thing off the air and it'll change on the air. He said he'll pretty much agree with anything anyone says. They had to take another break a short time later.
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Jason said they had no money when they went down there. Gary said he tried to get petty cash but Tracey wasn't there so he had to ask some other people for money. He said they had to pull out some emergency money from the other guys there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he went to Pete in college up in Vermont. He asked about what Leiberman saw on Pete's email about the gay porn site. Jon said he saw what he had in his inbox and he found the disabled web site and the gay web site. He said he didn't do it himself. He said Pete let him look through it with him. Jason asked Pete if he would say no to Jon about anything. Pete said he let Jon go through his drawers at home. He said he would let him go through his closet for a bit.
Jon asked Pete about the gay web site thing and if he went on that site and signed up for the gay stuff. Pete said he didn't sign up for the gay stuff. Pete said he's not sure how he came to doing that. Pete said he's not sure where it came from. He said he did the disabled web site. Jason asked Pete if he has signed up for any dating sites. Pete said he has. He said he has used PMJR on Match.com. Leiberman said he saw one name was PeteyFun. Pete said he doesn't know where that came from. Jason said it is possible that a friend signed him up for it. Leiberman said that the profiles matched on the disabled site and on the gay site though. Jon said he doesn't even want to talk about this anymore.
Gary said this reminds him of the time Fred the Elephant Boy signed up for a gay dating service and his voice was recorded on it. He said Fred tried to tell him that wasn't his voice but it's a very recognizable voice.
Jon asked Pete what he meant when he said that Howard is the only one who talks to him the way he talks to him. Pete said that no one will give him a straight answer about what it is that keeps women from him. Gary said it's great that he's on a dating service but he heard he won't pay for the service. Pete said he has to pay for it but you can only send a wink or something. Gary asked if he can talk to anyone without paying for it. Pete said he doesn't think so. Gary said he'll pay for a year of that for him. He said he wants Pete to meet someone.
Jon said there are women who drive by and yell out to him down in his town. Pete said they all have boyfriends though. He said he knows those people and it's more of a friendly thing. Jon said that he has to find a lady who doesn't. He said he hopes he can find someone.
Jon asked Pete about kissing that hot girl. Pete said that was good. Gary asked Pete what he does all day. Pete said he doesn't have much going on right now. He said the movie gave him something to do. Pete said they want to sign him to a 5 movie deal. The guys were all laughing under their breath. Jon said he hopes that he negotiates for more than $500 per film. He said he has to get more than that just based on the time he gets on the air with Howard. Gary said he thinks that Johnny Fratto knows he can get more than that. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about how Robin was back with them. Robin said she is there. She said you'd think she went to a concert. She had a hoarse voice. Howard said when Robin is with people she is the life of the party. Howard said she is a participant when she's at a party. Howard said she was on a sex tour of Thailand. Howard said she has no idea what it's like to do a show with Gary and Jon Hein. Robin said she'll have to listen and pick up some pointers. Robin said it's good to be back.
Howard said Tracy Morgan will be in today. He said Linda Stasi is going to call in today too. He said he's afraid not to let her call in. He said she wrote that article about him taking over on CNN and some of the stuff she wrote was kind of mean. He said it's like she loves him but hates him too. Howard said it's a love hate kind of thing. He said he knows he's not Brad Pitt but he's not that awful. He said he's not a great looking guy. Howard said you tune into The View and you see Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar and Sheri Sheppard. Howard said Linda Stasi isn't writing about how they look. He said it seems to be okay to write about how he looks. Robin said they think they can write anything about Howard.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thinks there are a lot of people online complaining about him doing his math lately. Howard said he doesn't like math either. The caller said they complain about him using some other terms he says on the show. The caller said he thinks that he hasn't said ''The fact of the matter is...'' and he thinks he should use that along with some of the other terms. Howard said this is a bore fest but he means no offense.
Howard said he's got to figure out his math and that's why he has to do it on the air. Howard said they're telling him not to do the math bit but he has to do that to figure out the numbers. He said he has to do a lot of figuring to get there. He does his work out loud.
Howard said someone said something about 1977 yesterday and he had to do the math to figure out how long it's been since then. Howard said he had to do the math to figure it out and he can't remember what it is now. Howard said he came up with 35 but it's actually 36. Howard said he forgot it was 2013.
Robin said she had to write a check or something and she had to write 2013. Howard said he hasn't written a check yet. He said he does write them but he hasn't yet this year.
Howard said he has to have his checks written for him by his accountant so that shows that he's still a man boy. Howard said there are episodes of I Love Lucy where she has to go and ask for money. Howard said they tell her that's not her allowance. Howard said that's like his life. He said he has to ask for money to get his own money.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that last week they were talking about the flu shot and he has to tell him not to get one. The guy said they have all kinds of crap in them. He said you do get sick when they inject you. He said it's like snake oil that they're selling people. He said that the government is pushing this shit on people too. Howard said he's kind of confused about the whole thing. He said he had the flu while they were on vacation and he's still not 100 percent. Howard said if you take antibiotics when you get sick they don't really fight the sore throat and cold. Howard said the virus gets stronger if you take that stuff. Howard said he's not even sure he had the flu. He said his mom would always get sick and she told him to never take antibiotics. Howard said he saw his mother this weekend and she told him that she got the flu shot. Howard said they're older and they're scared now. Howard said his mom tells him that their doctor told them to get it. He said she sounds so defeated when she tells him that. He did an impression of his mother telling him the news. He said that's where he gets all of that shit from. He said she was talking about being in a daze for days after the shot.
The caller said that if you're going to get sick then you're going to get sick. He said the shots are like snake oil. He told Howard to look that stuff up online. He said he knows people who have gotten sick for 6 months after the shot. Howard said Ronnie said he was sick like that once. Howard said he wonders about that stuff. He said his doctor is an advocate of the flu shot.
Robin said they made her take the shot this year. She said that it's so far so good. She said the two people that didn't take it last year are the two that did get sick. She said you don't know if that's just coincidence or what.
Ronnie said he got sick because they put the yellow of an egg in the shot and he's allergic to that yellow. He said he was sick for months after that. Ronnie said he can eat an egg white no problem but the yellow he can't eat. Howard said an allergy shouldn't last for 6 months though.
The caller told Howard that the doctor is getting paid to push the drug so you have to remember that. He said there are some nurses who were fired for not getting the shot. Howard said he saw a video of a woman who had to walk backward after she got the shot. Gary said that was a hoax. Howard said he chooses to believe it.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that most of these people have no credentials to talk about this stuff. He said he is a biologist. He told Howard what they do to make the flu shot and how it works. Howard asked if there is motor oil in the shot like the other caller said. The caller said that is not true. He said people who have a problem have an egg allergy. Howard said that's like Ronnie. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go. The other caller was still on the line and said that he should look it up online. He told Howard to talk to a holistic doctor. Howard said the other guy just explained the egg allergy thing. He said he really has to go.
Gary said he and Mary got their shots at Walgreens. He said they see on the news that they should get it so they can keep from getting sick. He said they're worried about an epidemic if people don't get the shot. He said they do guess at the strains that it could be. Howard asked if Mary is still walking forward. Gary said she is.
Gary said he got his shot because he's going to be flying this week. He's going out to CES in Las Vegas. Howard goofed on Gary over the Sonos thing. He and Fred both started doing their impressions of him and goofed on him always bringing up Sonos. Gary said that Bob Lefsetz wrote about it recently and what does he think about that. Howard said Bob writes a lot of stuff and he only reads a couple of things a week.
Howard asked why Gary is going out there. Gary said he and Jon host a show called Last Gadget Standing and they vote on gadgets that are there. He said that GEEKTIME will be doing two shows out there this week. Howard said it's the biggest trade show in America. Robin said it's like Comic-Con for electronics. Gary said this is way bigger than Comic-Con.
Howard said he read that they're supposed to be revealing some self driving cars there. Gary said he would love to just sit back in his car and sleep on his way home.
Howard said he was upset about Cheap Trick changing their song ''I Want You To Want Me'' to a Christmas song. He said it upset him but he found out it was for a charity. Howard said it's still upsetting though. He played some of that and said that they were thinking of some of the other holidays they could change that song to. They had Richard singing the song about Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Flag day.
Howard said Bobo was there the other day and Dan the Song Parody Man put a song together about the end of the world using Bobo audio. In that song Dan had clips of Bobo freaking out put to The Doors ''This is the End.''
Howard had Bobo on the phone and said that he knew the world was going to end and he came up there to the studio anyway. Howard said Bobo planned for the world to end and then he didn't do anything about it. Bobo said he had to come up there and not let Howard down. He said that shows how much he loves the show.
Bobo said there is something upsetting in the NY Post about the FCC controlling Sirius. Howard said that it's not the FCC. Howard asked why he reads the paper. He asked ''Why bother?'' Howard said he gets confused by it. Howard said it's not the FCC. The FCC has to approve Liberty Media taking over this company. He said they got the greatest deal ever. Howard said that they put in $500 million and now their stock is worth $5 billion. Howard said they're going to take over the company now. Howard said the FCC has to approve that deal. Robin said it's Liberty that's taking over, not the FCC. Bobo said he understands now.
Howard said he's excited about the take over. He said he's sick of the same thing there. He said he likes turmoil. He said even if they destroy the whole thing he doesn't give a fuck. He said they can do whatever they want. Howard said they can fuck with it and turn it into a big weather station. He said they can turn it into something to contact aliens with for all he cares.
Howard said he's happy to see the new guys come in. He said he hasn't had any contact with them though. He said the one guy is named John Malone but he's not even sure what he does. Howard said he must be pretty smart. Robin said he must be smart for getting the company so cheap. Howard said he saved this company and he can't even get his bonus. Howard said Malone is much smarter than him. He said this horse is ready for the stable at this point. He said that he'll probably end up in the glue factory. He said he never does get his payday.
Bobo said that he bets Liberty would never pay 10 grand for a photo booth. Howard said he heard they're going to smash that thing.
Howard said that they say that Malone is the biggest land owner in America. Fred said he read that he owns 2.2 million acres and that's bigger than the state of Delaware. Howard said the guy is a nice looking dude. Howard said that's the guy for Robin. Howard said she can meet him and get busy. Howard said she can own half of that land. Howard said that's unless she has a pre-nup. Howard said she should shake his hand and just say ''No pre-nup.'' Howard read more about Malone and what he's done. Howard said this is a guy who can do something. Fred read about some of the land he owns. He owns it from coast to coast. Howard said he owns the stars and the sky too. Howard said he's a smart guy.
Howard said Jackie once bought him a star in the sky. He said he got that and a blue night light for his daughter Ashley's birth. Howard said that's the kind of gifts Jackie gives.
Howard said he has a feeling Malone could screw with your career if he wanted to. Fred read where some of his property is located. He had property all over the place. It's not just in the United States. Fred said he has some forestry land too. Howard said he owns a castle in Ireland too. Howard said that sounds worthless to him. Howard asked if he goes to Ireland and hangs out. Howard said if he had that kind of money he would buy a building in Manhattan and rent it out. Howard said he wouldn't even do that. He said with 5 billion you don't have to do anything. Howard said he bets that he's shocked he even made that kind of money on Sirius.
Howard said he took a gamble with his whole career and now he's in court trying to get his bonus. Howard said he's just trying to get his fucking day. Howard wondered if he could just pay off his bonus and call it a day. He said he might just say ''fuck Howard'' though. Howard said that Malone paid 9.5 million for a castle. He wondered what it's really worth.
Howard said one of the girls got a rose as soon as she got out of the limo. Howard said he can't believe he knows this shit. Howard said it's no wonder his father doesn't talk to him. Howard said he couldn't get rid of the black women if he was this guy. He said he has to keep one around. He said he would keep two blacks there and the armless woman. Howard said then they'd throw him off the show. Robin said he'd be the most hated bachelor ever. Howard said they'd be throwing shit at him. He said he'd be the ugliest, most awful bachelor in the history of the show. Robin said that guy has crazy eyes and he's just not right.
Howard said he's glad Robin is back. He said he couldn't listen to Gary's phlegmy voice again. He said Jim Breuer was on the show yesterday. Robin said she missed that. Howard said that Jim has to pull shit out of his father's ass. He said Jim has to go in with a rubber glove and pull the shit out. Robin said that's called disimpaction. Howard wondered if Gary would use gloves on his dad if he asked him to. Howard said Gary is his producer and he might have to have him do that for him. Gary said that he picked up Howard's jizz napkin. Howard said that's right. Gary said he's one of those guys that will start throwing up. Howard said that's going to be one of his tasks. He said that will make up for Gary not being there during the hurricane because he had to save his trampoline.
Howard said Lance Armstrong is finally admitting he was doping. Robin said everyone in the sport was doing it but he was still the best. Howard said that's true. He said he would like his staff to take some performance enhancing drugs. He said that's a go-getter.
Howard said he was reading some news and Harper's Bazaar was saying that Jennifer Lopez has the mental capacity of a 16 year old. Howard said he was reading about Buzz Aldren getting a divorce too.
Howard said he's not sure about this show ''Girls.'' He said Beth got him into it and he's watching it alone trying to catch up. Howard said it's about this little fat chick. He said she's very talented to write and star in the show. Howard said she reminds him of Jonah Hill in a dress. Howard said he watched more of the show and he likes it now. He said they had a great line in the show. He said there was a great line where this guy picks up the phone and says ''Yo skank where you at? You getting your pussy pounded?'' and then he tells the girls ''It's okay, it's my sister.'' Howard said he texted that line to Beth last night and she thought someone stole his phone. Robin said that women don't remember lines from shows. Beth didn't know what it was until Howard told her what it was. Howard said he has to take a break here. He said he has a lot to get to today. They went to break after that.
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Howard came back and asked what happened to the song. Fred said it was shorter than he thought it was. Howard said he was listening to a new David Bowie song. He said he only had 2 seconds for it. He said that he's not sure he can judge it. Howard said he likes when he rocks though. Howard said that's what he needs. He said he's old school.
Howard said Linda Stasi put out a book. She writes for the NY Post. Howard tried to pick up on her but she wasn't on the line they told him she was on. Howard said that he likes talking TV so he's glad he has Linda on the line. Howard said he was really upset when Linda wrote about how shitty he was when he started on AGT. Linda said that she was a little hasty, or not, but she thinks that he got great toward the middle. Howard said he told Gary this. He said he told Linda she had it wrong because she judged it based on the way they edit the show. Howard said that they picked the moments they put in there. Linda said she could only judge on what she was given. She said that she had to judge based on what she was given.
Howard said he thinks he was consistently the same and that means he thinks he was good. Howard said he didn't want to make this all about him. He said he has a lot of questions for Linda. Linda told Howard that AGT is the only good reality competition remaining. She said she's tired of the stupid singers. She said the X Factor is crazy because they have too much going on. She said it's just awful. Howard said that he found himself not watching any of those shows this year. He said he burned out on that. Linda said they have too much going on and you can't even hear the singers anymore.
Howard asked Linda if she's ever been asked to back off of anything about FOX News. She said she has not. Howard said she works for FOX so he figured she would have been asked to back off. She said she has never been asked to back off. Howard said he'd think that she'd have job insurance if she did that for them and was a shill for the company. She said she would never do that.
Howard asked if she would ever write a negative article about Rupert Murdoch. She said she never has to. Robin said she would if he because a judge. Linda laughed.
Howard said that Linda wrote about The Bachelor and how much she dislikes it. She said that they have the half gay bachelors and the women in their cocktail dresses and she can't even watch it. She said she doesn't get angry watching it but she has to run out of the room screaming. Howard asked if she has to watch it even if she hates it. Linda said there are so many shows to watch that she watches the new stuff and the stuff she likes and that's her job. She said she gets advance copies of shows. She said that she got the new American Idol but hasn't watched it yet. Howard said he's kind of curious about that. Linda said that it's a lot of hype around this new season.
Linda told Howard that they have a lot of people who are making headlines that they put on these shows. She said she's getting tired of some of these reality shows. Howard said they have to find some real talent this year. Howard said he has to concentrate on the talent that he can say is a superstar. Howard said he's going to do his best to concentrate on that. Linda said she watches that show and she's in shock seeing people doing the things they do. She said that they had the trapeze couple and she's not sure where they practice. Howard said he wonders how they make a living. Howard said the dog act work constantly with the dogs. Linda said she loved that act. Howard said they go around the country doing their shows in theme parks and stuff. Linda wondered where you can go if you're not in Las Vegas.
Howard said Linda wrote an article the other day about CNN being saved if they hired him. Howard said she had some back handed comments about him. Howard said that she pointed out some things that weren't so nice. Howard said he thinks she's right about how great he'd be on CNN though. Howard said he doesn't have the time to do it. Linda said at least she didn't say that Howard could save Al Jazeera. Howard gave her some of the ideas about shows they could have on that channel. Linda said she found it strange how Gore sold that to a soft terrorist corporation.
Howard asked Linda if she saw Zero Dark Thirty. Linda said she did but she got bored and had to stop. Howard said he loved that movie. Howard asked if she liked Homeland. She said she did. Linda said it was a little crazy with the season finale. Howard said that they should have dropped the story line the first season with the guy. Linda said they should have moved on to another case. Howard asked if she likes Justified. Linda said she doesn't. She said that's not her kind of show.
Robin asked Linda about saying Howard is ugly. Linda said that she said he has a face for radio. Howard said it's the same thing. Linda said it's really not. She said she makes fun of herself all the time. Howard said he does too. Howard said that she never says that the women on The View don't have faces for TV. Howard said they all have faces for radio other than Elisabeth. Howard said that Linda never comments on women's looks. She said she does comment on people on those shows all the time.
Howard said he thinks that Linda is attracted to him. He said he's not the worst looking guy on TV. Linda said that she would be attracted to him but she married a guy from Roosevelt and it turned her off to marriage. She said she won't mention the guy's name though. Howard asked if the sex was bad. She said it wasn't the best. Howard asked what makes bad sex. Linda wanted to talk about her book. She said that she was 20 years old and that makes bad sex. She said she didn't know what good sex was back then. Linda said she can't get married again but she does live with someone now. She said his name is Sid Davidoff. Gary said he thinks that he's a famous lawyer.
Howard asked when she last had sex. Linda asked when he had sex last. Howard said it was about a week ago. Howard said he usually gets it at least 2 times a week. Linda said she thinks she's happy for him.
Howard said Linda wrote that CNN article about him. Linda said that Howard should be on the channel. She said she hopes they do something with him. She said they need someone doing fun stuff on the channel. Howard said he doesn't have the time to do it. He said he was offered a job at ABC to do a series of interviews and he had to turn it down because he doesn't have the time. Linda asked why he decided to do AGT. Howard said he loves the show. That's why he's doing it. Howard said that was appealing to him. He said his agent asked why he wanted to do it and that's what he told him. He said he wanted to have some fun doing it.
Gary said he found out about Linda's boyfriend. He said he was on The Sopranos and on Spin City and he was on Nixon's enemy list too.
Howard said he's giving Linda a plug for her book so she won't slam him in the paper. Howard said her book is called ''The Sixth Station'' and it's out on January 22nd. Linda said it took her 6 years to write this book. She told Howard about some things she found out that she put in this book about the church. She explained what the title was about and how the story about that Sixth Station was made up. She said that they made up some things in the story and they built the church around this lie. She said this should get her into some trouble. Howard asked if she can make some good money from the book. She said she's hoping that she can get it made into a movie or something. She said that it was quite an experience for her. She said she did a lot of research and everything in the book about the church is real. She said she found out a lot of stuff that shocked the crap out of her. She said that she was raised Catholic but they were really agnostic. She said that she thinks that some people are going to be really pissed off at her for what she wrote.
Howard asked what kind of money she can make as the TV writer. Linda wasn't saying. Howard asked if it's six figures. She said she's not Howard Stern. Howard said he figured she could do pretty well. Howard asked if it's a tough place to work with the way things are going these days. She said that there is no other place to be for her. She said she's not sure what the future holds. She said the Post is the Post and it was founded by Alexander Hamilton. She said she likes reading it on her iPad and things like that.
Howard said that story picked up everywhere. Howard said that it was all over the news. Howard asked her to make a prediction about Leno, Letterman and Kimmel. Linda said that she thinks Kimmel will beat Leno and Letterman. She said she wrote an article last year about how ABC should have him at 11:30. She said that he's the new guy to watch at that hour. Linda said he's very funny and clever and he's got some fresh skits and stuff. Howard said that he was with Jimmy in Mexico and he told him that he will beat Leno and Letterman and he just has to hang in there. Linda said she thinks that it'll happen quick.
Howard said that NBC treats Leno pretty shitty. He said that they cut his salary. He said that doesn't make sense to him. Linda said it is weird how they do things there. She said putting him on at 10 was weird too. She said she thinks that he's making good money even though they cut his salary. She said he's not going broke. Howard said he lives life like he is though.
Howard gave Linda another plug for her book. Linda said you can get the book on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel now.
Gary said he was reading about how Leno is moving his show up a minute to 11:34 because of this Kimmel thing. Linda said he must think he's going to get a jump on Jimmy by a minute.
Howard said Mariann from Brooklyn wants to go over some of the negative things she wrote about Howard. Mariann said that she's a hypocrite. She said she just wants to plug her book. Linda said she wrote after the show started that she liked Howard on it. She said they just discussed it. Howard said she did write a nice article. Howard said Mariann is awesome. Howard said she just lost a sale on that book. Howard said he thought that she was going to love him on the show. Howard said that was devastating. Linda said that they edited it to make it look like he was jumping all over everyone. Howard wrapped up and wished Linda luck with her book. He let her go a short time later.
Howard said Linda says that the best TV show is The Walking Dead. Robin said it really is. She said it had one of the most spectacular seasons ever. They talked about The X Factor and how Simon will hire anyone who is in the news to be a judge on that show. Howard said he has to take a break and get to some stuff before Tracy gets there. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said he loves that song. He said that was the song David performed on the show the time he was on. Howard said he didn't want to be interviewed though. Robin said there were some regrets about that. She said that's true he didn't want to be interviewed. Howard said he likes that sound in the song that sounds like a dentist drill.
Howard said he was listening to Bowie's new song and he's not sure what he thinks. He said he has a bunch of things he has to get to today. Howard said that Al Roker was on a show saying that he shit his pants at the White House. Howard said he has a clip of that. Howard said it was right after he had the stomach stapling surgery and he thought he had to fart and he shit his pants. Howard said he threw out his underpants and went underwear free in the White House.
Howard played the clip and Al was talking about his stomach bypass and how your whole bowel is reconstructed. He said he thought he had to pass some gas but something extra came out. He said he pooped his pants. Al said he was panicking and he went to the bathroom and threw out the underwear. Howard said he's thinking about Al being commando. Howard said the secret service must have known he threw out the underwear. He said they must have cameras everywhere.
Howard said he ran into Al the other day. He said he didn't recognize him at first. He said he saw a short black guy in an overcoat with a ski cap on. Howard said he was trying to talk to a friend and this guy was hanging around his table. Howard said he looked up and saw it was Al. He told him he thought he was stalking him.
Howard said Brent Musberger saw a hot chick in the crowd of a game and he sounded crazy when he saw this girl. He was telling kids that they can grow up to play football and get a girl like that. Howard played that clip too. In the clip Brent was talking about how quarterbacks get all of the women. Howard said he was quite taken with that girl. He said he spent too much time on her.
Howard said he knows Piers Morgan is getting the shit beat out of him for not getting any ratings. Howard said Piers had a guy on his show last night who thinks that he should be deported for wanting gun control. Howard said Piers had the guy on and he was just fucking crazy. Howard told Robin to listen to this. He said it goes on for a while but they'll listen to it.
Howard played the clip and Piers was talking to this guy who was going on and on about guns and how you can't take them away. He said 1776 will happen all over again if they try to do that. The guy wouldn't let Piers speak. Piers asked if he was finished. The guy said he was but then he started to ramble again. Piers asked him to calm down. He said he wanted to have a debate. Piers asked how many gun murders there were last year. The guy said there were over 11,000 and most of them were gang members. Piers asked how many gun murders there were in Britain. The guy said they were very low. Piers kept asking but the guy wouldn't answer. Howard said that was pretty good, right. Robin said she's with the guy who is arguing there. Howard said he likes that guy. He said he thinks that guy has a radio show. He seems to have some facts.
Howard said there are some other clips that are pretty good. Howard said it was good TV. He played another clip where the gun guy was talking over Piers. Piers remained very calm and tried to have a discussion with the guy but the guy wouldn't stop. Howard said this guy is good. He said he's not sure about Piers. Howard said Piers is actually a good guy.
Howard said that was Alex Jones talking to Piers. Howard said that he started talking to Piers in a British accent. Howard played that too. Piers was asking about his conspiracy theory about the 9/11 towers being taken down. Piers asked if President Bush was behind it. Alex wouldn't give him a straight answer. Howard said he must lose his voice at some point. He said the guy is out of his mind and he's just yelling. Howard said he's wild. He played that clip and Robin was cracking up at Jones speaking in his British accent. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said that Tracy Morgan is there. He said this is the real Tracy Morgan too. Tracy came in and high fived Howard. Robin said she thought he wasn't going to do that anymore. Howard said that wasn't shaking hands.
Tracy told Howard he missed him at the Knicks game last night. Howard said he was telling someone about how great he is at those games. Howard said he should have his own show based on the way he comments on the games. Tracy said they put his comments on Twitter at the games.
Howard said sometimes when he's sitting next to Tracy he doesn't know what's going on with the game. He said he likes when Tracy talks to him about the game. Tracy said he's a coach and he got ejected last year. He said he's like Bobby Knight. Tracy said he doesn't play anymore but he does coach. He said he has a Juco injury. Howard asked what that is. Tracy said that's a junior college injury.
Howard asked Tracy if he's really coaching 8 year olds. Tracy said he does and he curses them out. He said they're in the fucking ghetto so the parents don't care if he's cursing. Howard asked if the kids complain about not getting enough game time. Tracy said he'll just tell them to get the fuck in there, pussy.
Tracy said he got a lot of pussy this Christmas. Howard said he said last time that he doesn't use condoms. Tracy said if you're not willing to die for it then you don't really want it. Howard said Tracy had a new girlfriend and he was engaged last time. Howard said he was talking about how that was the one and he wanted to get her pregnant. Tracy now has a new girlfriend. Tracy said that worked for his daddy. He said he knows he has brothers and sisters in Vietnam who look like him with different eyes.
Howard asked Tracy if he's in love with this new girlfriend. Tracy said he is. Howard asked if he's going to knock her up too. Tracy said he wants to birth a nation. He said that he doesn't want to waste one sperm cell. He said sometimes he holds back himself.
Tracy told Howard that he has jungle fever like a mother fucker too. He met one of the interns out there. Howard said he met an intern in the hall and he went berserk. Howard played the clip and they were introducing intern Anna to Tracy. Tracy was saying he has jungle fever to Anna. He was telling her what he would do to her and she sounded a little embarrassed.
Tracy said that he thinks some women want it and he's straight up and down with them. He said some of them want you to grab them by the hair and fuck the shit out of them. He said that women are god's greatest creation.
Howard asked if he ever puts on a condom. Tracy said that he doesn't have time for that. He said that his cock is in their mouth and you don't have time for that. He said he tells chicks to spit on his dick. He said he's having a porno withdrawal right now.
Howard asked if he saw Django Unchained. Tracy said he saw it and loved it. Howard said Katt Williams is all upset about it. Tracy said he liked it and that's Katt's opinion. He said he loved it and it was great. Howard said he thinks that Quentin Tarantino had no right to use the N-word. Tracy said he loved it and that's that. He said he went home and watched Mandingo after that. He said that no one was complaining about that.
Howard asked if he uses the N-word in his act. Tracy said it's a term of endearment in that community. He said that he's just doing his thing.
Howard said Tina Fey has said that she's afraid what will happen to Tracy when the show 30 Rock ends. Tracy said that she should have been afraid for him when he was 30 and had 3 kids. Howard said she might be worried that he can't take care of himself. Tracy said he did the show for 7 years. He said that he'll be fine.
Howard asked what Tracy's next move is. Tracy said he's leaving it in God's hands. He said that he did 7 years of good TV and he's going to see what happens next.
Howard said that Jim Breuer was in yesterday telling them that he's hurt by Tracy. Tracy said he's just doing his thing. Howard played a clip of Jim talking about why he's hurt by him. Jim was talking about how he wanted him to be on his show and he didn't hear from him much after that. Jim said he thought they were closer than that. He said Tracy changes his numbers and he invited him on the show and didn't show up.
Tracy told Howard that they're both grown adults and it's all business. He said it's not personal. He said he has family members that say the same thing. He said he doesn't get to see family and friends as much as he wants to. Robin said he was saying that he booked the show and backed out. Tracy said he has to take care of his kids and his girls. Robin said if you book yourself on a show you can't back out. Tracy said he has to do 30 Rock and do his show. Robin said when you book yourself, you book yourself. Howard said he thinks Tracy is being honest. He said he's on a roll and he has to push some people to the side. Tracy said he's not trying to hurt anyone. He said it's not a mean thing. Tracy said when you get paper and fame then there are people who can't function. He said he won't call when someone has an emergency. He said he waits 2 years to call so the emergency is over.
Howard said that Tracy's sister came out against him when their mother needed some money. Howard said she said that Tracy should have given money. Howard said maybe the sister should have done that. Tracy said they came out of nowhere and asked for $25-30,000. He said if he falls off then where is he going to go for money? He said he loves his family but he's not talking to his sister now. He said that she said he's mean and money made him worse. Howard said he didn't do anything to her. He said that he did his thing and made something of himself. He said that everyone has a problem with him. He said everyone has their ups and downs in life. Howard said they weren't there to do anything for him when he was working hard. He said he's not out there asking anyone for anything.
Howard asked if Tracy is upset with Jim for what he said. Tracy said he's being honest and he's fine with that. He said as long as he's honest that's all good.
Howard asked Tracy about getting into trouble on 30 Rock and if he gets called into a room and gets lectured. Tracy said he didn't get lectured at all. He said he wrote all of that shit himself. He said no one ever called. He said he got himself into that and did the joke on HBO and did all of those things. Howard asked what he said anyway. Tracy said that's behind him so he doesn't want to talk about that. He said he doesn't even talk about it in his stand-up.
Howard said cell phones are a problem at the comedy shows. Tracy said hit takes years to get 15 minutes of material. He said that it's hard to work out that stuff and cut away the fat.
Tracy told Howard that his family will call asking for money and they don't even ask to talk to the kids. He said they just ask for the money.
Howard said the woman who is in love with him is the woman who gave him a kidney. Tracy said he gets to live because of that. He said he was heading to dialysis and he lucked out with that operation. He said that he has to go see the woman on Thursday. He said he has to respect that. Robin said her cat has to go through that kind of stuff too. Tracy asked if her cat is black and has a big dick too. Robin just laughed.
Howard asked if the break up was mutual. Tracy said they both decided that they had to move on. He said that she has an apartment in another state. He said that he never had a beef with her or any of his Ex's. Howard said he's still taking care of her kidney so he has a part of her with him. Tracy said that all of the pussy in the world wouldn't have saved his life. He said she did that. Howard asked if his ex-wife can be with any other man. Tracy said he doesn't care.
Howard wondered what happens when he gets in trouble. He asked who tells him that he's in trouble for saying something in the comedy club. Tracy said no one bothers him in his group. He said that he would fire that person. Howard said he's a star and he's a star because he's making good money. Howard asked how much he's making. Tracy said he's not stepping on that booby trap. He said he isn't going for that.
Howard said there has to be someone in his group that tells him something is wrong. Tracy said that it doesn't even have to come from someone who knows you. Tracy said that good news travels like molasses. He said that the bad news comes from the street really fast. He said that his story got swamped with the story about the politician who took pictures of his dick.
Howard asked who talked to him about this. Tracy said no one gave him grief. He said he came up with his statement himself. He said he has a management team that confers with him but it's his decision. Howard asked if we're too politically correct. Tracy said it is getting to be like that. He said he just watched Andrew Dice Clay and it was great. He said that he likes that era of comedians.
Howard said Tracy said that you don't mess with retarded kids because they're strong like chimps. Howard said he got into trouble over that too. Tracy said he still does that bit. He said that shit is true. He said they're strong kids.
Howard asked Tracy if it ever goes through his mind about holding back at all. Tracy said no. He said if he's doing it in the spirit of comedy then he knows it's right. He said he's doing it in the spirit of those guys in the past who did the same thing. Tracy said he will lose some people in his audience. He said if he doesn't lose them then he's probably not funny. He said he can't be Ray Romano. He said he came from the fuckin' hood. Tracy said he's not out there hitting people. He said he's just doing his thing and when he's off stage, he's off stage.
Howard asked Tracy if he's saving his money. Tracy said the money is doing what it's doing. Howard said he heard he's worth $18 million. Tracy said the money works for him. He said he makes the money and the money don't make him. He said he has invested in some things but he's keeping that quiet. He said he went to the Super Bowl with Warren Buffet a couple of years ago. He said that's the kind of people you want to align yourself with.
Howard asked what Warren said to him. Tracy said he promised not to tell anyone anything. He said he whispered in his ear. Howard said the rumor is that he whispered the N-word in his ear and told him to fuck off. Tracy said the guy is a nice guy.
Tracy told Howard that he's going out to see his father's plot after the show today. He said he's going to lay some flowers on there. Howard said he might do that if it was his father. Howard asked if he thinks his dad would have asked him for money. Tracy said he appreciates people but he's a comedian and comedians say things.
Robin asked why Eddie Murphy won't tell a joke these days. Tracy said stand-up is rough. He said Eddie is still the box office king with that shit. He said he doesn't have anything to prove. He doesn't want to go on the road for 3 years and get his shit together. He said he doesn't have to travel anymore. He said he's still the funniest dude alive.
Howard asked who the overrated comedians are out there. Tracy said that's not his style to do that. He said he's too fly for that shit. He said he's concentrating on himself. Howard said that he gets upset with Eddie for not being funny these days. Tracy said he's evolved. He said he's not finished yet though. He said that mother fucker is hilarious.
Howard asked Tracy what the process is. Tracy said he can't make everyone happy. He said he will do 15-20 minutes and he has a ton of it on his phone. He said he observes and he writes it down. Tracy said most of it is in his head though. He said he could do 3 hours on stage. Howard even if it's good in your head it might not work on stage.
Howard asked if a joke tanks if it's stressful. Tracy said he won't even use it on stage until he's tested it out on other people. He said he'll test it out on his barber. Howard asked if he's testing it out at the Knicks game too. Tracy said he does try that stuff out with Howard there. He said that you have to bring energy to it and it'll work out.
Howard asked Tracy what he does if he thinks up a bit and tries to win them over. Tracy said it's all about energy. He said you bring it if they don't have it. Howard asked what bit he goes to every time to win them over. Tracy said he does that gagging bit that he did on the show. He said that he did that bit on stage once and he got picketed by a woman's group called GAG... Girls Against Gagging.
Howard asked if Tracy really loves his mom and sister. He said that he doesn't love them if he doesn't see them. Tracy said he does. Howard said he would rather be in touch with his dead father than his own mother and sister. Tracy said his mother lives in Ohio. He said that he gets what Howard is saying though.
Howard asked what his day is going to be like. Tracy said he's going home and taking a nap. He said he'll watch some SportsCenter after that. He said he'll feed his shark tank and octopus today too. He said he has a 500 gallon tank. He said he'll feed his dogs too. Tracy said he has a couple of acres that he lives on. He said he's pissed when people say that he has a nice car. He said he's been on TV for the past 20 years so he had better have something nice to show for it. Howard asked what kind of cars he has. Tracy said he has a few. He said he has a rare Jaguar and a bunch of other things.
Howard asked if most people are racist. Tracy said he can't say that. He said that's ludicrous to say that. He said he has a lot of white people he likes. He said there is prejudice in everything. Tracy said his dad had all kinds of friends from Vietnam.
Howard asked why his mother hasn't seen his kids after all these years. Tracy said he doesn't know. He said he's just living his life. Howard said he must be pissed off. Tracy said he's not pissed off. He said he's just living his life. Howard asked if his dad ever got to meet the kids. Tracy said his dad died at 39 from AIDS. He said he got it from shooting heroin over in Vietnam. Tracy said that they used to go out fishing together when he was a kid. Howard told him to say hello to him at the grave today. Tracy said his father said what he had to say to him. He said he told him to break the vicious cycle. He said he thinks that he did that.
Howard asked if his mother ever came to Saturday Night Live. Tracy said she came to a mother's day special once. He said that he's not upset about that stuff.
Howard asked Tracy if he thought that he wouldn't live long because of his father. Tracy said most of the men in his family did die young. He said when he turned 40 it was like a weight was off his shoulders.
Howard asked Tracy when he chills out. Tracy said when he's sleeping. He said that whenever he's talking he has to say things that matter. He said they used to tell him to shut up when he was a kid. Now he can talk as much as he wants.
Howard said Tracy is doing some shows in Australia soon. He said he's taking the month of February off and going to a Hyperbaric chamber. Howard asked why he's doing that. Tracy said that's what his doctor suggested. Howard asked why he has to do that. Tracy said you get healed by going in there for a couple of hours a day. Howard asked if he'll have people with him. Tracy said he'll be alone. Howard asked how long he has to do that. Tracy said it's 2 hours a day.
Howard asked if Australians are going to understand Tracy. Tracy said he'll have to ask them. He said he's just going to be himself.
Howard asked if Tracy watches any other TV shows. Tracy said he doesn't. He said you don't need to do that. Howard asked if Jesus is in his life. Tracy said that God is in his life so he has no weaknesses. Tracy said that he doesn't have any self esteem but he doesn't need it. Howard said he thinks he does need it. Howard asked if he likes himself. Tracy said he loves himself. Howard asked if he really does. Tracy gave him a loud ''YES!'' Howard asked what church he goes to. Tracy said he doesn't go to church. He said it's just in his heart. Howard said the church would be like a family member asking for money.
Howard gave Tracy a plug for some shows he's doing on Long Island. Tracy said he doesn't know what material he's doing. Howard said he's going to be at Governor's in Levittown from Friday to Sunday. Howard said you can find out more at Govs.com.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said he saw Tracy do a great impression of a character from Planet of the Apes. He asked him to do that for Howard. Tracy did the character and recited some lines from the movie. Howard asked if he watches that movie over and over. Tracy said he watches it religiously. He said he didn't like the new one. He said he doesn't like the computer generated monkey stuff.
Howard asked if Tracy is upset with what Tina Fey said about him. He said he's not upset but he wishes people would not worry about him so much. He said he's a big boy and he'll do fine.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she saw Tracy in California a couple of months ago and she said that he was Brian Fellows. She said he just looked away like he was upset. Tracy said that he was focused on doing his comedy. Howard said that he must get nervous before he goes on stage. Tracy said that he's not going to identify with Brian Fellows either.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if he knows Katt Williams and what's going on with him. Tracy said that he knows him but he hasn't seen him for a while. He said he hopes he's fine.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Jim Breuer's thing was misunderstood and he said that he booked himself for the show and canceled 4 times. Tracy said that he's not going to address that. He said she's not his publicist.
King of All Blacks called in and said this is his dude right there. King said something about his socks. Howard had no idea what he was talking about but Tracy did. Howard said he had no idea what he was talking about. He wondered why he doesn't know about this. Howard asked Tracy what the fuck they're talking about. Tracy said if you get new sneakers you have to have socks on or you have to take those kicks home.
Howard gave up on trying to figure that out. King said he had one more thing. He said that it's like wearing a down jacket with no name on it. He said it has t have a name on it. Howard said he has no idea what he's talking about.
Howard said he loves having Tracy there. Tracy told Howard to never worry about him. Howard said he has no time to worry about him. He said he is a grown man and he doesn't have to worry about him. Tracy said he's like Mandingo. Robin said she has to go watch that today. Tracy said he has a new job too. He said he's breaking up chicks on the Jerry Springer show. Howard said that would be great. Howard said he could be standing in the corner and break up the fight. Tracy said he'd let a titty pop out too. He said he'd love that. Tracy said he's into titties now. He said he'll jerk off in his car and throw the dirty wet wipes out on the street and wait for a woman to step in it. Howard said he's worried about him. Tracy told him not to. He told Howard he loves Tina Fey and he loves Jim Breuer. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that America's Got Talent sent him a note. He said they still have 5 cities left to do auditions in. Howard said they're still offering special passes to Howard Stern listeners and you can find out on HowardStern.com about that.
Howard said that Howard TV has surpassed its 4,000th show. Robin said that usually that means they can go into syndication or something.
Howard said the guy who invented the TiVo name and the Kindle name has died. Howard said he was a graphic designer. Howard said that branding is very important. He said the guy was only 61 years old. He had colon cancer. Howard said that the guy wanted the letters TV in the name TiVo. He designed the logo for TiVo too. Howard said it's that thing with rabbit ears on it.
Howard said they got some email about Medicated Pete. He read through a few of those and some people didn't like him on the show and some loved the bit they did. Howard said Pete was in there and they had a kissing booth. Robin said she heard something about that. Howard said this guy hated Pete on the show. The guy said he had to turn his radio off. Howard read another one where the person said they were laughing so hard they were crying.
Howard read about Jim Breuer's wife's cancer and how he was telling him to go to Sloan Kettering. Howard said that this person wrote in and said that Jim should take her nowhere but Sloan Kettering. Howard said the fans loved Jim on the show. Howard said some people think he should fill Artie's chair. Howard wondered how long that's going to be called the Artie chair. Robin said probably until they fill it with someone else.
Howard said he loves Jim on the show. He read through some more of the email they got about that appearance. Howard said he was terrific yesterday. He said Tracy was terrific today.
Howard said someone wrote in complaining about guests smacking their lips. Someone wrote in about Beetlejuice and how they should have him back on. Howard said someone wrote in about the Bruno Mars song they played yesterday and how it sounds like an old Police song. Howard played the Bruno Mars song so Robin could hear that. He played the Rihanna ''Diamonds'' song too.
Howard said he did a long talk about Iron Butterfly and some people complained about that. Howard said he didn't even remember what he said about it. Fred said they had that stoner guy call in and he played the song behind him. Howard asked Fred not to play it again. Howard said the bass player died last week. Howard said he didn't know that.
Howard said this listener has no idea what he's talking about. He said this guy wrote in about what he was saying about Led Zeppelin and the Doobie Brothers. Howard said he never said they ripped them off. Howard said people get really asshole-ie when it comes to music. He told the guy to shut up. Robin said that guy has no comprehension.
Howard said that Natalie Maines was in and he got some feedback about her performance. Robin said she heard Fred did a very good job. Howard said he was sure he'd fuck it up but he did fine. Howard said everyone was upset that Robin was out and they were hoping she was well. Robin said that was very nice.
Robin said there is an asteroid passing close by us soon. Robin said that it's happening tomorrow. Robin said that this is asteroid Apothis and it will be about 9 million miles away. Robin said it will make a closer visit in 2029. Robin said that it would be 18,000 miles at that point. Robin said that would be closer than some satellites. Howard asked if Bobo was okay with that. They had clips of Bobo freaking out in the scam they pulled on him recently.
Robin said that Octomom is back on welfare. Howard said she went into porn trying to get out of that. Howard said the porn thing didn't work out. Howard said no one wanted to watch her in porn. He said that was some plan she had. Robin said she's also in recovery and rehab. Robin said she's doing it all.
Howard replayed a prank call Sal and Richard made to the Swap Shop show where they had the voice of a little kid asking the host if he was gay.
Robin read a story about a guy who won the lottery and he was poisoned to death a day later. Robin said he won a million dollars and the next day he was dead. She said they're trying to figure out who killed him.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what he thinks the new guy is going to do there at Sirius. Howard said he has no idea. He said he isn't included in that kind of conversation. The caller said the guy has a lot of money. Howard said that if you have that much money you do clear people out sometimes. The caller also brought up Jay Leno moving to 11:34. Howard said he does the wimpiest things. Howard said he's not sure if that's even his decision. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about the Gabrielle Giffords shooting and how today is the second anniversary of that shooting. Robin said they will be ringing bells this morning at the time it took place. Fred played a bunch of bell ringing sounds. Robin said that Mark Kelly and Gabby Giffords are trying to stop gun violence so they've set up a web site. Robin had some audio of Mark Kelly talking about that. Robin said that people are going to kill people no matter what. She said that she's kind of with that guy on Piers Morgan. She said that banning the guns isn't going to make them go away. Howard said it could slow things down though. Robin said the crazy person is still out on the street. Howard said that's true and that's why this should be a mental health issue. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read about what a politician said about Gabby Giffords visit to Newtown, Connecticut. The woman had to apologize for what she said because she felt it was insensitive.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Bruno Mars song sounds like a certain Police song. The caller said it was ''Can't Stand Losing You.'' Howard told Fred to try playing that. Fred tried to find it but he was having a hard time getting it. Howard played the Bruno Mars song instead. Then Fred found the song and Howard said ''who cares...'' and gave up.
Robin read a story about how a group is trying to organize a gun appreciation day. Howard said you don't announce that right after a shooting at a school. Robin said that they're trying to get people to go out and support gun stores, ranges and gun shows.
Robin had some audio of someone talking about the shooting in Aurora, Colorado. Robin said in Colorado they decriminalized marijuana but there is no legal way to buy it there. Robin said if you get some then it's legal. Robin said that's at least a year away. She had some audio of someone talking about that legalization process.
Robin read about a group of teens that may have gotten lost out on a frozen lake in New Jersey. Howard said he'd never go out on a lake. Robin said they heard screams for help last night and the police were called out. She had some audio of the mayor of the town talking about that incident. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the President reorganizing his cabinet. Robin read about some of the changes and had some audio of President Obama talking about that.
Robin read about Kanye West and Kim Kardashian buying a mansion together. Robin said that TMZ says they dropped $11 million on the home and then gutted it. Robin had Howard play some of Kanye West's music. Howard had some audio of their fetus talking too.
Robin read about David Bowie releasing his first new music in a decade. Howard said he knows he's going to hate it if he just plays 10 seconds of it. Robin said she did have a little bit of it. Howard played the song and Robin said she thought he was goofing on her. Howard said that he wasn't. Howard mentioned that today is his friend Dr. Lou's birthday. He said he's 59. Robin said the Bowie album will be released in March. Howard said he really loves the guy. He sang some of his good songs. Howard had him play Bowie's Ziggy Stardust. Howard sang along with it. Howard said he must have hated getting old. Howard said he shouldn't have ever gotten older. Howard said he's not having anymore birthdays after this one. Robin wanted to hear more of the new song but Howard didn't want to play it. He said sometimes you don't need new songs. Sometimes people don't need to grow.
Robin had some audio of Bill Maher talking to Jay Leno about Donald Trump and his feud with him. Robin had a couple of clips from that interview. Howard said Bill is mad at him and he tried to get him on the show but he turned it down.
Robin read about the film Zero Dark Thirty and how it's taking some heat about the accuracy of the way things happened. Robin had some audio of David Letterman talking to Jessica Chastain about the movie. Howard said he saw the movie and he thought it was great. Howard said the director, Katherine Bigelow, is hot too. He said she makes great movies. Howard said the one unrealistic thing in the movie was the guys not hitting on the hot CIA chick in the movie. Howard said that they had to combine characters for his movie. He said that the gist of the movie is accurate but not every bit of it is. He said they had to make a good movie out of it. Howard said he figures the same with this Zero Dark Thirty. Howard said people are upset that they combined characters to make one character.
Robin read about Michael Strahan having some harsh words for his former team mates on Monday night. Robin said he was talking to David Letterman on Monday and he said the team just isn't getting things done. Robin had some audio of that interview.
Robin read about a Chinese businessman who sold stolen U.S. software that was worth about $100 million. Robin said he sold it to buyers on the black market. Robin said that's the technology we have now. Robin said they say this went on from 2008 to 2011. Robin said that he was lured away from China by undercover agents and grabbed him when he got to the States. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:20am.
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Gary said there is a family suing a school because they think that the shots are wrong. He knows other people who won't get their kids immunized because they think that it could cause harm. Gary said you should just get them all.
Teddy said he was raised to never take antibiotics. He said his father was a pharmacist. He said the viruses are constantly changing so it doesn't really help. Teddy said his wife's sister had a home birth and the baby hasn't had any shots yet.
Gary said Howard rarely gets sick. Jon said when he does get sick he gets really sick. Gary said he's wondering if it's in his mind too. Jon said there is a lot to that. He said when he has time on vacation maybe that is in his mind.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Robin's return and how relieved Howard seemed today. Gary said he was talking about how things are out of sorts when Robin isn't there. Gary said you get used to when things work a certain way and it throws you off when it's off. Gary said he gets a lot done out in the office early in the morning and Robin being out threw him off. Gary said he used the F-word with his son and he told him he has to watch what he's saying around him. Gary said that he is his father. Gary said that he'll say that someone is an asshole and he does curse a lot. Gary said he corrects him all the time. Gary said he isn't a big curser at home. He said that he was skiing with a friend over the weekend and that guy curses in front of his kid all the time. Jon said he tries not to curse in front of his kids. He said they ask why he does it on the air and he has to tell them that it's because they're not there. They had to go to break a short time later.
Gary said he carries a Post-It in his pocket and he wrote down something Tracy said to him a couple of years ago. He said it says ''Insight Provides the Proper Guidance.'' He said Tracy told him that and he asked what he meant and Tracy just said that he doesn't know but when he says it white people think he's smart.
Steve Brandano said that he was back there in the office when Tracy was talking about the Mandingo thing and it was very weird. He said he didn't know how to react to it. Gary said Tracy talked through the whole interview and then through a break. Gary said Tracy was wondering why they had to be serious on the show. Gary said that it's about people wanting to know more about him. He said the whole money thing was very real. Jon said he's great when he comes on and the interview was all over the place. He said that was great though.
Gary and Jon talked about how Tracy throws around a lot of sports references. Jon said Tracy also doesn't want anyone worrying about him. He said he has things under control and it seems to piss him off when people worry about him. Gary said that it sounds like Tina almost believes that he's like the guy on the show. Jon said he thinks that the show is done at the end of the month. He said that he may be done shooting. He said he's not sure what Tracy is going to do. Gary said he thinks about that all the time. He said it's a one of a kind show and he's not sure if he can carry a show himself. Steve said he had a sitcom on NBC before 30 Rock. He said that he didn't remember much about it though.
Jon asked Scott how it was having Robin back today. Scott said it was fine even though he has more work. He said that they had one problem with the way she sounded the first hour. Gary said that he thought Jon was asking how he felt emotionally. Scott said it sounded like Howard was very happy to have her back. Scott said Howard can talk forever himself but Robin is his safety net. Gary said he does like to have certain things around him and he had Robin back today.
Gary said that Tracy was wondering if Jim Breuer was going to be up there today. Gary said Tracy thought that they would have had a double good interview if he was there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Howard sometimes doesn't let a guy talk on the show. He said it seems like the last year or two Howard talks over jokes or punch lines. Gary said he thinks Howard is just trying to make it move fast and he doesn't think he's changed his style at all. He said if Howard thinks something is boring he'll push it back on track.
Jon said that Howard sticks with that pace with whoever it is. He said that he has to do that with Tracy to keep him on track. Scott said he has an agenda too so he has to move along and get to the material he wants to get to. They went to break a short time later.
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Jon said that Howard wanted it to be like Wrap Up a little bit. Jon asked if Howard is back to being his usual self. Ronnie laughed and said he has been. Gary asked if his moustache is wider than usual. Ronnie said they're supposed to be talking about Howard, not about him. Ronnie said he likes it. Jon asked how Scott and Ronnie are getting along. They said they're getting along fine.
Jon brought up Linda Stasi and how Howard handled her. Gary said she had a definitive attitude. He said he finds that interesting. Ronnie said she's a good looking woman for an older lady. He said he heard she's in her 50s. Jon said he think that it would shake things up at CNN if Howard was on. He said that she didn't back down from her back handed compliments. Gary said she didn't back off of anything she said.
Jon said that Howard said he was afraid of Linda and what she could do to him in her column. Jon said Howard seems to respect her opinion though. Gary said they were talking about what kind of money they make and it doesn't sound like it's all that lucrative. Jon said he's heard it's not a big money maker. He said he thinks that they just leave her alone to do her thing over there though.
Jon and Gary are going out to CES in Las Vegas later this week so they spent a minute talking about that before they had to end the show. They were done at 11:00am.
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Howard started the show talking to Robin. Robin said her voice is getting better. Howard said that she has such a verbal drive. He said when she's on air she has to suppress that a little bit. Robin said she does. Howard said in her real life she's the life of the party. He said she runs the show. Robin said there is a difference between your life and your job. Howard asked her to explain that to Fred.
Howard said he wanted to start out with some fun. He said he has something beautiful and not so funny. He said they heard this song ''Pussy Good, Pussy Sweet'' about a year ago. He said it's been covered by another artist. He played an opera version of the song. Howard said he likes opera. He said they had this other song that they covered too. He played a ''Real Niggas'' song and that was covered by the opera. Howard said they covered a bunch. He played ''Let Your Tongue Roll Over My Bunghole'' and then played the opera version of that. He played the YouTube song of the kid singing about jacking off to girl's Facebook pictures and then the opera version. Robin was cracking up at that one.
Howard said a lot of people called in about the discussion they had yesterday about the Bruno Mars song sounding like The Police. Howard said they have an example of which song it's like. Howard said he may not have brought over the right version of the song. He played some of a Police song that sounded kind of similar when played along side the Bruno Mars song. That Police song was ''Can't Stand Losing You.'' Howard had both of them playing at the same time.
Howard said in the news today they have pictures of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian's new house. Howard said that whole thing irritates him about those two. He said with the baby and all of that. Howard said it's really irritating. Robin said that there's more to come when they separate and have a custody battle. Howard said he can't turn off the Bruno Mars clip. He said that happens to him all the time when he gets clips from the guys. He said he can't figure out a way to turn it off.
Howard said his computer shit is so fucked up. He said he has an IT guy and he has no privacy on his computers. Howard said when it's working it's great. He said he loves when he gets something to work right. Howard said he has all of the new computers and iPads. He said he needs it all to work perfectly. Howard asked who sneezed. Benjy did it while Howard was talking about his computers.
Howard said he's going to ask J.B. to produce a 5 minute film. He said that deserves to be seen. Howard said he ants J.B. in there now. He said he has to get him in there.
Howard said J.B. is a funny motherfucker and he needs to get that stuff on the air. He said the urine detective is a brilliant idea.
Robin mentioned that J.B. was on Larry David's ''Curb Your Enthusiasm.'' Howard said that he heard they only get an 8 page script for that show. They improv everything on the show.
Howard said he was away on vacation and he saw someone at the airport that looked familiar. Howard said he thinks that it was Larry David. Howard said the guy came walking over to him and he introduced himself as Larry David. Howard said that they shook hands and he knows that he's an awkward guy and he didn't know what to say himself. He said that he doesn't watch his show so he didn't want to say that to him. Howard said he'd probably love the guy. Howard said he was so pleased that he came over to him. Howard said they had nothing to say to each other. Howard said he asked him what he was doing there. Larry said he was there with family. He said Larry told him he was staying at someone's house. Howard said he told Larry he's going to a hotel. Robin said they were trying to have a regular conversation and he didn't know what to say.
Howard said he watched Larry's bags coming through and he didn't want his to mix with his. Howard said it turns out that he lost his luggage and it showed up out in Los Angeles. Howard said he almost lost his good clothes. Howard said he had all of his good stuff in there. He said he got his luggage the next day, late in the day. He said he was very lucky.
Howard said that he does this thing where he turns to Ronnie and Joe and tells them that they're there to keep an eye on his bag. Howard said that's all he cares about. He said he needs that bag. Howard said he's the neurotic guy who watches his bag all the time. Howard said he has two bags and one of them is a garment bag. He said he hates packing and going anywhere. Howard said he wanted to be Mr. Loose this vacation. He said he was going to hang. Howard said he didn't watch his bag transition in Mexico. He didn't want to worry about it. Howard said no one else worries about it. He wanted to be loose and free for once. Howard said he saw his luggage coming through and it was kind of separate from Larry's.
Howard said he brought in all of his bags and started unpacking. Then he noticed that he was missing his garment bag. Howard said he started cursing out Larry David for taking his fucking luggage. Howard said he realized he was wrong about that and that it was just lost. Howard said he may have wanted his luggage to be mixed in with another celebrity's. Howard said he called everyone trying to find it. Howard said he called a bunch of people trying to find it. He said his travel agent was the one who tracked it down. Howard said he only had four pieces of luggage.
Howard said yesterday was a long day. He had a meeting that went a couple of hours with the crew. Howard said he had to lecture people. Howard said Gary told him he won't be around on Friday because he's going to be out at CES. Howard said he found out that he was going out there and wondered why he didn't tell him he was going out there. Howard said he has a ton of shit that he could do. Gary said he does this one thing a year. He said everyone else is going out there for work. Gary said they're going out there for GEEKTIME. Howard said that dumb show that Ralph does. Gary said they have a sponsor who is sending them out there. Howard said the work there comes first. Howard said they need to consult him on this stuff. Howard said they should get together and book some great guests. Howard said they're going to have a meeting about this.
Howard asked who is going to CES for the Ralph show. Gary said it's Ralph, Jon Hein, Jason and Steve Brandano. Howard said he can't believe they're all going out there for the Ralph show. Gary said a couple of years ago Howard told them to create programming and now he's mad at them for doing it. Howard said he's mad at everyone going to Vegas and trying to hide it from him. Howard said Gary tried to hide it from him by just saying he wouldn't be there on Friday. Gary said he just asked him yesterday about it. Howard said he told Gary he had someone who wanted to meet with Gary on Friday. Howard said he's not sure how this helps the show.
Gary said that he talked to Howard yesterday about it. Howard said it was a couple of days ago that he asked him about meeting with someone. He said that he told him that he wasn't going to be available but he didn't say he was going to CES. Howard said he doesn't pay attention to this at all. Howard said he didn't know Gary was going to be there on a weekday.
Howard said he has all of these guys on the show who are superstars. He said Ronnie is out there doing shows too. He said he got a new limo and they put in the same shitty rear seat that he asked them not to put in there. He said he doesn't mind these guys going and doing appearances as long as they do it on their own time. Howard said Ronnie should have been checking on that seat.
Ronnie came in and said that he didn't do anything wrong. Howard said they had a meeting with the guy and he should have checked on the seat. Ronnie said the car was built in Massachusetts. Howard asked why he didn't say something. Ronnie said he did tell them it was wrong. Ronnie said he sold the old car. Howard said he shouldn't sell it until it's right. Ronnie said he can't do both. Howard said he should keep that old car until the new one is right. Ronnie said that had nothing to do with his block party. Howard asked when the new block party show is. Ronnie said he's not doing one until this month. The last one was on December 8th. Howard said he has no time to dwell on this. He said the audience doesn't want to hear this.
Ronnie said Howard went and checked out the car too. Ronnie said he didn't do anything wrong. Ronnie said Howard sat in the car. Howard said he told the guy he had to change the seat. Howard said he told him that he was going to put in a new one and it wouldn't be like the one he sat in. Howard said Ronnie should have said something. Howard said Ronnie is busy being a rock star. He told him to go back and do his job. They played him out with the Gangnam Style parody about Ronnie called Old Man Ronnie Style.
Robin said you can't expect a big star like that to be checking cars. Howard said that's right, he just came off of Cougar Town. He said he doesn't need to check his car. Howard said he's almost a bigger star than he is. Howard said he's on a giant billboard in Atlantic City. Robin said that picture freaked her out. Howard said Ronnie can't believe this is happening. Howard said he just wants a guy who can drive him who isn't exhausted.
Robin said one day Howard is going to get out of his car and a bunch of Paparazzi are going to be snapping pictures and they're going to be there for Ronnie. Howard said that's his worst nightmare.
Howard said that Scott the Engineer wants back in on the Block Party now. Howard said he walked away from it and now he sees he was wrong. Howard said they shouldn't let him back in. Scott came in and said he never said he wanted back in. Scott said they came to him first. He said he was invited to do Harrah's. Howard asked why. He said they're doing fine without him. Scott said he is thinking about doing it. He said he might do it if he can work something out. He said if they stick to the agreement then he'll think about it.
Howard said Scott has said he wouldn't do it because he has integrity. Howard said he told him 50 times to just not quit. He quit anyway. Howard asked why they should let him back in. Gary said that Shuli told him that Scott and his wife were going somewhere and Scott came to him asking back in. He said Shuli is demanding an apology for being called a thief and if he comes back he's getting a much lower flat rate.
Howard asked Scott what his side is. Scott said he got a call from the promoter, Sequoia, and he was asked to come back. Howard asked where Shuli is. Gary said he's not there today. Howard asked if he's at CES. Gary said he has no idea. Howard asked how Ralph's show is doing and if people are subscribing for that. Gary said he has no idea.
Scott said he was asked to do the poker tournament and the block party. Howard said that's a different story than Shuli is telling. Scott said that they did initiate the conversation. He didn't go back to them first. Howard said they'll get to the bottom of that.
Howard asked what's going on with his bowling ring. Scott said he has it on order. Howard told him to tell him when he has to pay for it. Howard said he did a dumb thing and agreed to buy him that dumb ring. Howard said there are so many other things Scott should be doing other than getting a ring for bowling a 300.
Howard said that Al Roker was talking about shitting his pants on some show the other day. He said he should have done it like a weather forecast and given a description of what the underpants looked like.
Howard said he was in the car this morning and he read about a 70 year old who married a 15 year old. He said Ronnie didn't seem to think that was wrong. Howard said he thought he was reading a story about Ronnie when he read that. Howard said Hugh Hefner was saying when he was 70 he could have had a 12 year old. He said that's just a joke of course.
Howard said Kanye West and Kim Kardashian bought a 12,000 square foot house for like $11 million. Howard said that they're having a baby and he has tape of the fetus talking. He asked Gary where it is. He got the clips and played a few of those. They had clips of Baby Kanye talking about it's parents. Howard said someone spent a lot of time speeding up their voice with those clips. Howard said he'd bet was Sal. Howard said he can't stand that they even have to make a lame bit up about that baby.
Howard said Kanye and Kim are asking for privacy with this baby thing. Howard said they must want to make sure they have a career and film it all themselves.
Howard said he's still not done with his flu. He said he's still coughing. Howard said that he read 2012 was the warmest and driest ever. Howard said that's global warming. Robin said that Scott DePace says that he doesn't think it's man made. Scott told them that he's not a scientist so he doesn't know if it's man made or not. Howard said that he's a bald director for Howard TV and they know he's not a scientist.
Howard said they say that Amy Winehouse died of alcohol poisoning. Robin said that she almost read that story yesterday but she figured they all knew that. Howard asked Scott if he's a coroner. Scott said he is not.
Howard said Oprah did an interview with David Letterman and it's the usual crap where he's fawning over Johnny Carson. Howard said he loves Dave but in the interview he talks about how having an affair made his marriage stronger. Howard said they should ask the wife if that's true. Howard said if it is then every guy should fuck his secretary. Howard asked what that is. He said he'd have to agree with that but he wishes his wife would go along with it.
Howard said he was reading about Congressman John Boehner and he likes to think that his name sounds like ''Boner'' instead of ''Bey-ner.'' Howard said that's better than the guy from the Love Boat who got to be a congressman. Howard said there have been a few funny congressmen. Howard said that the only person hated more than Boehner is him.
Howard said some guy was busted for running a Meth lab out of a day care center. Howard said they were suspicious because the staff were losing more teeth than the kids. Howard said that fucking Meth must be the greatest thing. Howard said you end up looking like someone out of the Walking Dead. Fred played the Breaking Bad theme music as Howard was talking about that.
Howard said Budweiser is bringing out a new beer. Howard said it has a higher alcohol count. Howard said he's not sure how much is in it now but this new stuff has 14 percent. Howard said the people at Budweiser figured they weren't making big enough assholes at the game. Howard said they took until half time to piss on people's legs and beat each other's head.
Howard said Pam Anderson was on Dancing with the Stars here and now she's on over in Europe. Howard said she goes on that show all the time. Howard said she had a nip slip and she was devastated about that. Howard said he was just told it's Dancing on Ice. Howard said she was devastated by the boob thing but not by sucking Tommy Lee's cock on tape.
Howard said that the critics don't like the new Bachelor. Howard said there's one woman on the show who is missing an arm from a birth defect. Howard said she made it through the first round. Howard told Robin about the other women on the show and who made it through. Howard said some of them have awful personalities. Howard said they should get a chick on with a dialysis machine and a deaf chick. Howard said they should get all of that going.
Howard said he was reading about how Hillary Clinton's staff bought her a football helmet after she got out of the hospital. Robin said that's because she fell and hit her head and that's what led to her getting the blood clot. Howard said when they found cum stains on Bill's clothes they should have gotten her a bottle of Shout.
Howard said he was alone on New Year's Eve. Howard said JD was alone and crying. JD came in and told him that he wasn't crying. Howard said that he turned 33 on December 29th. Howard said he sent him a card. Howard asked if his mom and dad sent cards. JD said they did. He said he got some cards from other family members too. Fred was doing an impression of JD and had Robin cracking up.
Howard asked JD about the beard and long hair. JD said he's going with it for now. Robin said it looks like a lot of laziness. Howard said he's fat too. JD said he's not but then he agreed he was. Robin said he had the whole argument but himself.
Howard said JD should do some push ups every day. He said he's a fucking mess. Howard said he's a mess himself. He told him to try and be better. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said that J.B. Smoove is at Caroline's tomorrow through Sunday. Howard said that he has a million questions for him. J.B. came in and Howard said he dresses for success. J.B. said you have to. He said he goes to radio stations and people are always in pajamas. He said white people are crazy. J.B. said that his dad told him to always look like he's been there before. He said you dress like you've got it even if you don't. Howard said he got his first job because someone told him to get a hair cut and wear a suit. J.B. said that you have to take charge and if you go in and you see an apple on someone's desk you take a bite of it and put it down. He said that's another thing his father told him to do. He said his father told him a lot of stuff before he died.
Howard said he's glad J.B. is there because he'll probably spend an hour talking about this Saturday Night Live thing. Howard said J.B. wrote for Saturday Night Live for a few years. Howard said J.B. would pitch ideas and he'd go in with at least four a week. Howard said that he would walk in and pitch the ideas and people would be rolling. Howard said a lot of his shit didn't make it on the air. J.B. said he doesn't know what happened. He said that shit just hit the floor. Howard said he read one about having a criminal wearing two eye patches. He said that's brilliant.
J.B. said that he would pitch ideas and he'd stand up to do it. He said he'd be in the office like he was performing his pitches. He said he'd pitch the four ideas and maybe he was pitching things that only he could do. He said that the shit that didn't get on the air was crazy.
Howard said he read that he pitched an idea that was pure genius. He said he read about Johnny Knoxville hosting and he would be a detective that drinks urine to solve crimes. He said that's so great. J.B. said there's so much truth to it too. He said that your body works in a weird way and you don't even know what comes out of your urine. He said if you're lost in the woods somewhere you can drink it and survive. He said you should do that with women you date. Howard asked how he came up with that idea. J.B. said you have to look at the person. He said he looked at Johnny and figured it out. He said that the host comes to everyone's office and you take a look at them. Howard asked who he shared an office with. J.B. said he had an office all by himself for a while. He was stuck back there all by himself. He said that Carson Daly's office was back there with his. He said they knocked his wall down and made it part of his office after that. J.B. said they had too many writers back then. He said they had 16 writers with the full staff.
Howard asked what kind of money they were making. J.B. said it's a good salary. He said he's a black guy and he makes four jobs out of one job. J.B. said he went for cast on SNL. Howard asked if that was a disappointment not to get on. J.B. said it was his second time being rejected. He said that it's almost like you want to kill the other black person on the show. He said he had a chance to get Tracy but he stopped himself. He said he had a meeting with a manager who told him all of this SNL stuff if he got picked. J.B. said he was going down in the elevator and the door opened and Tracy was there. He said he figured that he should kill his ass right now. He said he should have planned ahead to smash him in two pieces. He said he didn't think ahead.
Howard asked J.B. if he knew Tracy at the time. J.B. said he did. He said he has known him since the first time he got on stage. Howard said they barely used him on the show.
J.B. said he went in for cast and didn't make it. He got the call from Production and they asked him to come in as a writer. He said he knew that would look good on his resume. He said he started doing that and he was doing warm up on the show too. He said he got into a few sketches. He said that he was writing, warming up and doing sketches on the show. J.B. said his father taught him well. He said he was on camera a whole lot. He said they did a Good Times sketch and he played JJ in that. He said he was tall and skinny so it wasn't too hard.
Howard asked J.B. if he had done other shows before. J.B. said he had been on some other sketch comedy shows before. Howard asked if he wanted to be like Eddie Murphy. J.B. said he was hoping to change things like Eddie did. Howard said it must be a huge disappointment when it doesn't work out. J.B. said it is.
Howard asked J.B. if the public didn't connect with him. J.B. said your time is your time. He said it just didn't work. Howard asked who was on the show at the time. He said Tina Fey was there. He said she loved his sketches too. Howard asked why they didn't use more of them. J.B. said he thinks he would have been better as a cast member. He said he takes chances. He said he goes at it like his father told him. He said he does original characters. He said you can't put a title on what he does. He said you have to be part of his world.
Howard asked how old he was when he realized he was funny. J.B. said he was funny growing up. He said he grew up in Mt. Vernon, New York. Howard said there are some fucked up people up there. J.B. said that's four square miles of straight up ass whoopings. He said that it's in the middle of some of the toughest cities.
Howard said J.B. figured that he could avoid ass whoopings by befriending the janitor. J.B. said there's always and old janitor on the staff who got his ass whooped too. He said those guys are very lazy and they pretend that they were working when they show up a few hours late. He said that the janitor told him about the nuances of the school. He said he showed him all of the secret passageways and stuff.
J.B. said that the kids will tell you not to come outside or they'll kick his ass. Howard said he had the same thing in Roosevelt. J.B. said that they'll wait for you out front. He said they all gather around and the janitor would tell him all of the side tricks. He said he was the Harriet Tubman of his school. He said he was considered the 6, 7 and 8 year old Harriet Tubman. Howard said the janitor would teach him the underground routes. J.B. said he knew the sub level below the sub level that got him out of there. He said one time he came out in a bodega in the freezer.
Howard asked J.B. about SNL and the Johnny Knoxville sketch. Howard asked if they moved him out of that back office eventually. J.B. said they moved him in with another cast member. He said he shared a room with Keenan and another guy. Howard asked if he started to feel like he was part of the crew. J.B. said he did. He said it was overwhelming at first but things got better. Howard asked if it was really competitive. J.B. said it is but it has to be.
Howard asked what would happen if he was a host on the show and if he'd have to talk to everyone. J.B. said he would come in and meet with everyone. He said when he saw Johnny Knoxville's face he said ''This dude drinks urine.'' He said that's what he saw when he saw his face. He said he watched Jackass so he knew he was out there. J.B. said that he looks like a urine drinker so that's when he came up with that sketch. Howard said he can't tell him how that burdens him. He said it bothers him that they never did the sketch. J.B. said they did write the sketch and it made the first show. He said it got on the first show and then it got cut. J.B. told Howard what the sketch was about and how it worked. He said Johnny drinks the urine and then tells them that the guy didn't commit that one crime but he did other crimes. J.B. said that he would sip the urine and smack his lips like he was tasting it.
Howard asked why the sketch got cut. J.B. said it could have been a lot of things. Howard asked J.B. if he would consider writing a sketch to air on Howard TV. He said he should direct it too. J.B. said he's damn right he would do that. J.B. said he has other things that didn't make it on SNL. Howard said he knows what some of them are. Howard said this one is right up there. They had Tom Brady on the show as the host. J.B. wrote a sketch about how he was the first guy to smack a man on the ass in the locker room. J.B. said that was a great one and it takes place in the 50s. Howard asked if they liked that sketch. J.B. said they loved it. He said Tom fumbled when he told him about it. J.B. said he wrote the sketch and resubmitted it twice. Howard asked what went wrong. J.B. said it never got a second look. He said that it's not clear who bumped it. He said no one knows who cuts that stuff.
J.B. said that he'd love to know what goes on and why they turn that stuff down. J.B. said just imagine you go and audition to be a cheerleader and you don't make the cut. You're never told why. He said that's what it's like up there.
Howard said you have to give the guys some feedback. Howard said they do it wrong up there. Howard said they shouldn't have such secrecy. J.B. said it works for them up there. He said they have such a pace going.
Howard said he thought that another bit was great. He said that it was Jack Black who had two eye patches. J.B. said he had another one that he loved. He said they had Snoop Dogg on the show. He said that he was the host and he wrote a sketch called The A-Pimp-Tess. It was an Apprentice parody where he sent the girls out on the street to make money. He said the sketch made it in the first show but they cut it from the live show.
J.B. told Howard about another bit where this couple meets in a helicopter and they keep talking to each other as if they're in a helicopter through their whole life. He said that sketch never even got a second look. Howard said that sounds like such a great bit.
Howard said he feels that the guy who does What UP With Dat and they've done it over and over. He said they need to slip this stuff in.
J.B. said that one of his bits that did make it was the chick who gets pregnant in the ass. He said she reveals that her ass his fricking huge and she's pregnant in the ass. J.B. said that someone wonders how that happens and the father says ''I got an idea how that happened.'' J.B. said that was classic.
Howard asked where that idea came from. J.B. said he doesn't know but you have to think outside the box, man. Howard asked how long he was a writer. J.B. said he was on for three seasons. J.B. said that you don't get fired from the show. He said they just don't renew your contract. He said you kind of know when it's time to go. He said you know not to come back.
Howard asked J.B. about his father dying and what happened there. J.B. said that he died of diabetes. Howard asked when he got married. J.B. said he got married in 2007. Howard said his fame level is going up and maybe it was a tactical error. J.B. said when he was single you become a bad boy on the road. He said you become a horrible person. J.B. said that you have to sit yourself down and step outside yourself. Howard said it sounds like he's been in therapy a bit. J.B. said he didn't have therapy. He said you step outside and you see yourself with a drink in your hand and you're fucking. He said that you don't want to be that dude. Howard said he's entitled to be that guy though. He said he's on the road doing his thing and he's successful. Howard said he's entitled to some weed and pussy. J.B. said you're only a product of your past. He said you have no idea what's on your path as you move forward. He said that people are going to remember you from your past. He said if you fuck yourself up then that's what people are going to remember you for. J.B. said all everyone would talk about is that he was fucking crazy. He said you have to do things right. He said if he hadn't done shit he would have regretted it.
Howard asked if he went to college. J.B. said he went to two. He said you need that shit. He said you meet people there and you pick up so many different things from school. J.B. said he was by himself. He said he went to an all black college in Virginia. He said there aren't many whites there but there are some. Howard said he went to an all black school and it wasn't fun being the outsider.
Howard asked if he befriended the janitor at Norfolk. J.B. said he wasn't getting his ass kicked at that point. J.B. said that when you fight someone you almost learn to fight by running. He said you don't fight when you're not ready. He said you fight only when you have to. J.B. said that he's like a rat. He said when he's cornered he fights.
J.B. told Howard he has two brothers and one of them is in stand-up. He said his name is Think Floyd. He said his style is very different. Howard said that's not cool. He said he doesn't want to compete with his brother. J.B. said his mother is a stand-up and she performs for the people in her building. Howard said he knows actors who have siblings who act and it becomes annoying. J.B. said that life is a stage. He said they compete all the time.
Howard said he's going to be one pissed off mother fucker if his brother gets on SNL and becomes a star. J.B. said he would love that. He said they're connected for life. J.B. said that if he leaves this studio right now and slaps an old lady while getting a cab then his brother will be connected to him. He said you have to think about that shit. He said you're connected to that shit all the time.
Howard asked how he got into comedy. J.B. said he met some guys from Jersey. He said he was funny in school. He said he was around guys who were hilarious. He said he has to step out of it and get inspired. He said he was inspired by music and guys like Peter Sellers.
Howard asked J.B. about doing Curb Your Enthusiasm. J.B. told him there is no dialog. They improv the whole thing. He said he has never read the outline in his life. Howard said he just met Larry David down in Mexico. J.B. said he doesn't want to over think the whole thing. Howard said when you do a movie it's different though. J.B. said that there is no script on Curb Your Enthusiasm. J.B. said that he'll get there to the set and he'll look at Larry's face and he'll tell him what's going on. He said he steps to the side and thinks about it. He said if he read it ahead of time he'd be thinking about it too long. He said it's not easy doing that.
Howard asked if his time is coming and if something big is going to happen for him. Howard said he's friends with so many other big guys in the business. J.B. said that he looks clean and dresses nice. Howard asked how old he is. J.B. said he's 46. Howard said he needs something to happen. J.B. said fuck resolutions and that shit. He said that you just do what the fuck you gotta do.
Howard asked what his game plan is. J.B. said he's done TV and film. He said he did a movie called Tomorrow Night with Louis CK. He said he's close with Louis. He said he's done at least 5 of his projects. J.B. said once you put out there what you do then you get the calls. He said he doesn't get the calls because he's an asshole. He said he gets calls from interns from the movie Pooty Tang. He said they're successful now.
Howard asked what he thinks about Chris Rock. J.B. said he's the greatest stand-up out there right now. Howard asked who is better, Chris or Eddie. J.B. said they're different. Howard said he thinks Chris Rock is the best. Howard said Eddie is great and brilliant but that one special Chris did is the most brilliant hour of stand-up ever. Robin said that's just his opinion. Howard said it's everyone's opinion. J.B. said that it's a different era though. Howard said he is America's Judge so he knows.
J.B. said that you have to go by eras. He said that Chris Rock would say that Eddie is the best. He said if you jump back to Eddie then he's going to say that his favorite is someone else. Howard said he's not even sure that Chris Rock could out do that one special. He said he's not sure if he's the same Chris Rock he was when he did that great special.
Howard asked if he hangs with Chris. J.B. said he has. He said that he doesn't want to have to worry about doing something wrong around him. He said he would sit in a couch and not fuckin' move if he sat with him.
Howard asked J.B. about who his close friends are. J.B. said he doesn't really have any. He said he's like a boxer. He said he is friends with all of these mother fuckers. He said he will knock your ass out and then help you up. Howard said it sounds like life is a battle. He said he has a philosophy for everything. J.B. said you have to keep moving after knocking someone out. He said that's what Howard has done. Howard said he has apologized to some of them after knocking them out.
Howard asked J.B. about people who steal his shit and how he feels about that. J.B. said he doesn't get angry. He said you can't. He said that he's like James Brown. He said a lot of people stole from James Brown but James Brown kept on fuckin' going. Howard said he knows how hard it is to do stand-up comedy. He said it takes you forever got get 15 minutes. Howard asked J.B. about seeing someone do his exact bit. J.B. said he has seen that. He said it's happened so much he can't even name them. J.B. said that he doesn't waste his time with that bullshit though. He said you let other people deal with it. Howard asked if he's made ill by people who have done that and become famous. J.B. said he can't think about it. He said no one humongous has stolen from him. He said he can't name names of the people who have though. He said if he was consumed with that he'd be fucked. Howard said he can't do his own material then.
J.B. told Howard about going on a show and he saw this guy doing his whole bit. He said he wrote a new bit in his head while he was watching that. J.B. said that guy had an okay set. J.B. said he went up 2 comics later and he did a whole new version of it on the spot. Howard said he would have gone up and kicked that guy's ass. J.B. said if he did that he'd fuck up his whole path. He said he avoided that bullshit. J.B. said he has to get into branding. He said that's huge. Robin said that's what Kim Kardashian talks about. Howard asked if he sells merch after his shows. J.B. said he does. He said he sells shirts but not DVDs. He said that he does different shows every time so he doesn't want people to get stuck watching the same thing.
Howard gave J.B. some plugs for his upcoming shows at Caroline's. J.B. said he's going to be there with Hugh Moore. Howard said that's going to be a big deal. Howard said that he predicts a big show. Howard asked if he ad-libs his stuff. J.B. said that he does a different show every time. He said it depends on the audience.
Howard asked if he has ever made love to a white woman. J.B. said he likes the chocolate. He said he has never had a white woman. Howard said he's surprised. J.B. said that people are always surprised because he's around white people all the time. Howard asked if he's ever been with an Asian woman. J.B. said never. He said he's happy with his wife. He said he likes the caramel black skin. Howard said he just saw a picture of her. He said he's really into afros. Howard said that he tried to date a woman with an afro but she wasn't into it. J.B. said that Howard has a Jewish afro. Howard said they call it a Jew Fro. J.B. told Howard his wife's name is Shahidah Omar. He said that she's a singer and she's performed at some big shows. Howard asked if he ever wants to parade his wife around Mt. Vernon and show her off. J.B. said he'd have to get out of there after doing that and he'd have to become Harriet Tubman again. Howard said she's something else.
Howard asked if J.B. has fucked any famous women. J.B. said he hasn't. Howard said he missed out. J.B. said he doesn't feel that way at all. J.B. said he didn't lose his virginity until he was about 18. He said he thinks that's when it was. He said he wasn't necessarily doing college girls. He said they weren't under age though. He said they just weren't in his school.
Howard asked J.B. about what kind of jobs he had. J.B. said he had a job selling fire extinguishers. He said that was horrible. He said he was doing that from door to door. Howard asked how he got that. J.B. said he had to get a job and that's what he got. J.B. said he got this briefcase with a tiny fire extinguisher in it. He said he had a pack of matches and a bottle of lighter fluid. He said that you have to get inside their house and then you open the case up and the people see the fire extinguisher. He said you take the other shit out and put it on the table. Then you pull the lighter fluid on the table. He said you ask for newspaper to light up. He said that you put that in the metal can to light it. J.B. said that this shit scares the people. Howard asked how much a fire extinguisher costs. J.B. said it's like 30 bucks. He said you have to sell a whole lot of them to make any money. He said it was a whole pyramid scheme too. He said that job lasted a fuckin week because he almost burned a house down. He said that little extinguisher didn't work to put the fire's out. He said he ran out of a house with the can on fire and left the rest of the shit in the house. He said he almost killed someone and he didn't want to go back for that shit. He said he got in his car and took off.
Howard gave J.B. some more plugs for the Caroline's show and said you can get tickets at Carolines.com. He said you can check out J.B.'s web site at TheRuckus.com too. Howard asked why he didn't call it JB.com or something. J.B. said he wanted to have something where he could have clips of shit up on the site. J.B. said he's moving and doing really well. He said he has so many campaigns going on. He said she's a fuckin' genius. Howard said he really is an impressive guy. Howard said he thinks this year is going to be good for J.B..
J.B. said Robin isn't even there and she has no idea what is going on in there. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he works in the area of Mt. Vernon. He said that he knows people are getting shot all the time over there. He said J.B. is playing it down. J.B. said he has been all over the world and it's rough over in Japan. He said it's rough everywhere. He said Mt. Vernon is only 4 square miles. He said he goes to the schools there and speaks. He said he still goes back and his mom is still there. J.B. said his daughter is there right now. He said that her mom is there and his two brothers are there too.
Howard said J.B. was on fire today. Howard said he learned about a lot of stuff. Howard said they're going to do The Urine Detective. Howard said they have to do that and get it done in 5 minutes. Howard said he has to direct it. J.B. said he knows how to do all of that. He said he knows a little bit about everything and a lot about nothing. Howard gave him some more plugs and wrapped up. J.B. said he's on Twitter @OhSnapJBSmoove. They went to break a short time later.
During the break J.B. was talking about meeting Gary and how his teeth aren't as bad as he thought they would be. He said you hear it on the radio and think he's going to look like a cartoon character. He said he had more gums than teeth. He suggested that Gary change the color of his teeth to look like his gums or grow a moustache over his mouth.
Howard came back and said this is beautiful. He let the song play a little longer. Howard said he loves the Beatles. Robin asked where the mix is on that. She said it sounds so low. Howard said it's losing energy. He said he knows what she means.
Howard said maybe he should put a more up tempo song on. He played a song parody about Robin. Robin said that was much more uplifting. Howard said that was Zachary who is in love with Robin. Howard said he's in love with Robin. Robin said she didn't know it was about her. Howard said he says her name in it. He replayed the song so she could hear it. Howard said no one sings about wanting to fit their dick in his asshole.
Howard said he's going to take some phone calls. He said he loved J.B. Smoove. He said that is a hard working man. He said he likes him.
Howard asked the callers to be quick with their questions. The first caller wished him a happy birthday a little early. Howard said that he got a nice Christmas gift from Robin. He said the pen was about $750. Howard said he got the little man she sent too. Howard said he finds him annoying for his desk so he'll put him on his night table or something. He said it's Atlas and he's holding up his pen. Howard said that was very sweet of her.
Howard said he knows he was sort of fishing for a present. Robin said she got it for him before the holidays. Howard said he will never believe that. Robin said Dennis can confirm that. Howard said she could have set that up. Howard asked if she thinks that Atlas could hold up his baby wipes. Robin said it would be interesting to see how much he could hold.
The caller asked if Howard ever has sex in the limo while Ronnie is driving. Howard said no. He said that he has had sex in a limo once. He said it was just one time with someone. He said he and Beth got frisky but it's too weird. He said it's too weird to do it in a limo. He said too many things can go wrong.
The caller said he bets he'll be having lots of sex this weekend. Howard said he hopes so. He said he had a new cat in his apartment last night. He said that Beth called up from North Shore Animal League and his friend Mike Gafney wants a cat like Walter. Howard said Beth found one at North Shore and called. He said that she asked if she should bring him home and then bring him to mike. Howard said he knew she wanted to bring him home so he told her to bring him. Howard said he's gorgeous. Howard said he was rolling around playing and he was great. Howard said he was there and the trick is that they're holding him for someone. Howard said it's not their cat. He's for Mike. Howard said they're holding on to him until they see Mike. Howard said they have some pictures of him. Howard said Beth went out to dinner and said that she wasn't going to hang out with him because she was getting attached. Howard said they already have four cats. He said it's enough. Robin said that's why people have 21 of them. Howard said they can't do that.
Howard said Laura wants it if Mike doesn't want it. Robin asked if he has set a limit. Howard said not really. He said he hopes 4 is enough. Robin said he has to set a limit. Howard said he has to put his foot down.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had never seen Kimmel before last night. He said he ripped off Sal and Richard's bit where they ask about events that didn't happen. He said that Jennifer Aniston came out with some lame bit that flopped. Howard said Jimmy will go crazy if he thinks they're saying he ripped them off. Howard said he's sure he didn't rip them off. The caller said Jennifer Aniston cut Jimmy's hair too.
The caller asked where Robin was when she was out on Friday and Monday. Robin said it was something that couldn't be avoided. Howard said Robin has lost the eye of the tiger. Howard said she doesn't even want to come in and do the show anymore. Howard said she's become an agoraphobic. The caller asked why he puts up with things with her but not with others. Howard said Robin is the hardest working person on the show. The caller said he would never take that shit from anyone but Robin. Howard said he loves Robin. He said when you're in love you put up with a lot of bullshit. Howard said he's hypnotized by this woman.
The caller asked if they did shows last week as some kind of contractual obligation. Howard said he wanted to do 3 instead of just one. Howard said Robin came to him and said that she can no longer work in a studio where Tim shits all over the walls. Howard said this guy is the Alex Jones of callers. He said he's putting him through a deposition. Robin said that Friday was the day that she had off anyway. She said Howard decided to come back for Thursday and Friday after she had already taken that day off. The caller asked when Robin is coming back. Robin said she hasn't decided yet. She said she will come back on her own time.
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston who said he got upset about the CES and budget stuff. He said that he's wondering what CES has to do with the Stern Show. Howard said nothing really. Howard said that's why they should come to him and say they're going away. Howard said that he'd like to know if they have all of their work done and all of their comedy bits are done. Howard said he would have said no. Howard said the budget came from a sponsor to send GEEKTIME out there. Howard asked the guy not to get him riled up. He said he's already riled up. Howard asked why Robin isn't there.
Howard said that Debbie the Pet Lady is upset with them. She thinks they don't want her on the show anymore. He read the note she sent and she says she won't call them anymore. Howard said she never really calls anyway. Robin said maybe that's the calls she makes to the back office.
Howard wondered what to do next. Robin said she thought he had the Letterman on Oprah clips. Howard said he does have that. Howard said he had those songs that were turned into opera songs. He replayed those.
Howard said he has a JD Gangnam Style song parody. He played some of that and said he asked JD if he's still DaBadAss online. He said that JD told him that's dead because of what they did with him on the air. Howard asked JD what he is now online. JD came in and said he has plenty of Letterman stuff to listen to. Howard said that's right. Howard asked where JD said ''undo your tampon'' like you hear in that song parody. JD just let out an ''Ugh.''
Howard played more of the JD DaBadAss song parody. JD said he's done with that. Howard asked if he has a new name. JD said he's done talking about that. Howard said he still goes to online sex sites. JD said he does but not as much as he used to. JD said that he won't talk about it. Howard said he must have a new name. Howard said he should be ''Formerly known as Da Bad Ass.'' JD said they don't have to get into this. He said he did create a version of it since he's had it since he was in high school. Howard said that he dropped DaBadAss but he had to come up with a new name. JD said he's not going to get into it.
Howard said he can't believe that JD wastes his money on sex sites. JD said it's the same stuff he was doing before. Howard asked what it costs. JD said it varies. He said he doesn't pay $7 a minute like Howard thought. JD said that the max he'll go is about $4.99.
Howard said the fans hate his long hair. JD said he's been reading all about it. Howard asked when he came up with the new name after DaBadAss was dropped. JD said he doesn't know. He said he has some numbers in there now and it's totally something no one would know. Howard asked how often he's going online to get sex. JD said it might be once a week. Robin wondered what her Christmas gift went to. Howard said it goes right down his pants.
Howard said if JD is on for 10 minutes then he has to do some math to figure out what it's costing him. Howard said it's like $50. He said he would just whack off to YouPorn. JD said that's good and he does that but he likes interacting with someone else. JD said that we're all different with what they get off on. Howard said that Beth asked if he beat off the night before. He said he told her no and she asked if he was sure. Howard said he might have beaten off. He said he doesn't like to admit it. He said it's embarrassing. JD said it's embarrassing admitting it even when you're single.
Howard said it's embarrassing to pay a chick 50 bucks to jerk off. Robin said he could lave his apartment and go get a girl. Howard said it's not that easy. He said that she has no idea. Howard said JD would have to sedate himself to be calm enough to get a girl. Howard said he would have to take a ruffie to sedate himself. He said he'd be asking for someone to rape him. Robin was cracking up at that.
Howard asked what web site is the best to go to. JD said he's not going to get into that. Howard said he wants to know how he decides. Robin said he'll end up with a guy on the other end again. Howard said that has happened. JD didn't seem to want to get into that again. Howard did his JD impression and had Fred doing the voice he does when a woman's voice cracks into a man's voice.
Howard asked Robin what JD brought up. Robin said that she brought up the guy on the phone. JD said that was for the film festival. He said he won't fall for that again. JD said that he's pretty thorough and this guy fooled him with a real girl's voice. Howard asked JD if he won't tell him the name of a good web site to go to. JD said he doesn't want to bring it up. Howard asked why he cares. JD said he doesn't want anymore investigation going into him. Howard said he can put a stop to that. JD said he won't go to that MyFreeCams.com site. He said that it's not that good even though you can see them for free. He said it's like gang banging the girls on cam. Howard asked why he doesn't like it. JD said the girls won't do things until enough guys tip. Howard said he thought they could get private chats. JD said they might have it but you have to have tokens on the site. He said he doesn't like that. JD said that it was so complicated he didn't want to deal with it.
Howard said he'd be afraid to give out his credit card on the site. JD said he's nervous about it but he hasn't had a problem. Howard asked if the girls can see him. JD said no. He said if you let them they can but he doesn't let them see him. Howard said JD must tell them that he's hot. JD said he doesn't do that. He said he doesn't really say anything about himself.
Howard asked if he has an online relationship. JD said no to that too. He said he has girls he will go to but it's not a relationship. He said that it's about as much as seeing your favorite stripper. Howard said he thought he was anti-social but he's really not. Howard said he's surprised he didn't bring one of the girls to the Christmas party.
Howard asked if he gets jealous of other guys taking her time. JD said he doesn't wait. He said he can go find another one. He said he's looking to get in and out quickly. Howard asked if he can keep track of the time he spends in there. JD said he can check it. He doesn't keep track of it though. Howard said that would be so depressing to keep track of that.
Howard said that JD doesn't make a lot of money and he should be investing. He said he should put money into a money market fund. JD said he doesn't even know what that is. Howard said if he had invested in Apple a few years ago he'd be a millionaire now. Howard said he's spending $150 a week on porn. Howard said that's a lot of money. He said it's like $600 a year. Howard said that's like $60,000 a year. Robin said that's too high. Robin said that's more like $6,000. Howard said if he had 6 grand a year to invest that's great. Howard said if he had done that for the past 10 years he'd have a ton of money. JD said he doesn't think about that stuff.
Howard said Scott DePace thinks about that stuff. Scott said he will help JD out. He said he'll make sure he's maxing out his 401K. JD said he doesn't even know what that is. Howard said that Scott can take this kid under his wing and spend 2 hours with him. He said he knows JD is hard to take but just teach him about the 401K and how to take $150 a week and invest it. Scott said he'll have him do what his financial guy tells him to do. Scott said he's still young enough to go aggressive and the market will come back eventually.
Howard said if JD gets crazy Scott can blow him and keep him under control. Scott said he won't be doing that. Howard thanked Scott for the help. Howard asked JD if he has a 401K. JD said he does. He said he doesn't know what any of it means but he gets a statement. He said he didn't think he could touch it until he leaves there. Robin said you don't touch it, you save it.
Howard told JD to sit with Scott ASAP. Robins said JD didn't know anything about web cams but he figured that out. JD said there's a difference to figuring that out and figuring out money. Howard said it's no harder to do the money thing. He said he's a mad genius of masturbation. Robin said he should be doing something that does him some good.
Howard said JD must be in love with one of the girls. He said that he has to talk to him off the air. Howard asked if any of these girls have dogs. JD said he doesn't want to talk about this. He said he's done. Howard asked what the girls names are. JD said he won't talk about that. He said he has to go talk to Scott DePace about financials.
Howard asked JD how he beats off and types. JD said this is not good. He just said ''Ah, whatever...'' He told Howard to stop freaking him out. Howard said he has to do that. He said he obviously doesn't have any mentors. Howard asked if JD has ever forgotten to log off and he has a huge bill. JD said that hasn't happened.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Robin not to let anyone harass her. She also said she'll never eat peanut butter again after that JD thing. Mariann wished him a happy birthday and a happy anniversary. Mariann was going on and on so Howard hung up on her saying he lost the connection.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he likes to hear the SNL cast talking about Lorne Michaels and he'd like to know why his staff don't talk about him the same way. He asked why Lorne hasn't been on the show. Howard said he thinks he leaves it up to the stars to promote. He said he saw Lorne out in California at Brad Grey's wedding. He said he told Lorne that he appreciates him and what he's done. Howard said he participated in the SNL special they did too. The caller said he's a huge supporter of SNL and he thinks it would be great to have him on.
Howard took another call from Wheels who said Jimmy Kimmel is great but he takes stuff from the show. Howard said he has so few friends and he has to stop talking about that. Howard said he has almost no friends and he doesn't want to lose this one. Howard said he has a good time with Jimmy. He said it's not doing him any good. Wheels said he shouldn't get a free pass. Howard said he has no friends. He said the audience tries to destroy every relationship. He said he likes Jimmy and Molly and he doesn't want to start trouble. Howard said the guy is a hard working guy and he's not ripping him off. He said the rest of the people out there are ripping him off.
Howard said it's very nice when Jimmy has a party for him out in California. Howard said he treats him as if he's almost normal. He went to break after that.
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Howard came back and asked how long he's been dead. Howard said he feels like kids are just discovering him. Fred said he's trying to find out when he died. He found it was 1991. Howard said he's too exhausted to do that math to figure out how long ago it was. Fred said it's over 20 years.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said ''fuck Wheels and Ken.'' He said they got Howard upset. Howard said he's right. Howard said Jeff has feelings and he knows how others feel. Jeff said Robin wasn't around but he quit smoking for the new year. Robin said that's beautiful. Howard said he hopes they have many more years of his phone calls. Jeff said he's going to make it last this time.
Robin said Howard has broken his resolution. Howard said he has shaken a lot of hands. Howard played a clip of Richard out on the street asking people what Howard Stern's resolution should be. Some people said that he should clean up his act.
Howard played a Jack and Rod Show bit where Sal and Richard talked to an author/chef using clips of Riley Martin who was supposed to be Bobby Flay's cousin Riley Flay. They were talking about making turkey for Thanksgiving.
Howard read an email about a song that they played recently on the show. The writer said he would like them to send him a copy. Fred said it was Meredith Brooks singing ''Bitch.'' Howard asked him to play that for him. Fred said it might take a little while to find it. Fred was able to find it in a couple of seconds. Howard let the song play and said it really does sound good.
Howard said JD said that Tan Mom sounded like a character and he forgot to play that. JD came in and told him where that clip was. He said people said she sounds like Chris from Family Guy. Howard played an example of Tan Mom and then a clip from Family Guy. Howard said it did sound close but no cigar. Howard played more and it sounded more and more like Chris from Family Guy. Howard said that was a good one.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jimmy Kimmel loves Howard and he's playing homage. Howard said it's enough with Jimmy. The caller said he needs to hear that Handslide song again. Howard said that's a beauty of a song. Fred found the song and that was Little Mikey's cover of Landslide turned into a song about Robin. Howard said that was fabulous. Howard said that gets him every time. He said that's even better than the Wendy the Retard version. He played that one too.
Howard said that Brent Musburger was doing a broadcast and talking about a hot chick in the audience. Howard said that he had to apologize for what he said. Howard said we have gone mad in this country. Robin said that ESPN has a lot going on and he might be getting caught in the crossfire. Howard said he doesn't have to pretend that the chick wasn't hot. Howard replayed the clip where Brent was talking about the girlfriend of one of the players that was really hot. Howard said every guy in the audiences is thinking the same thing that this guy is. Howard said that they don't have to make the broadcast so milk toast that it's boring. Howard played more of the clip and goofed on that for a short time. Howard had Brent making jerking off sounds and talking about the ugly pigs sitting near her in the crowd. Howard was going on and on about the other audience members as if he were Brent talking about them.
Robin started her news talking about this guy from ESPN who was fired for some comments he made while they were on vacation. His name is Robert Parker from First Take. Robin said that he was questioning whether or not this guy on the Redskins was a real black guy. Robin had some audio of that conversation. The guy was saying that he's kind of a ''cornball brother.'' Howard said this is a dumb conversation. Howard said the guy was digging a hole by going on and on about it. Howard goofed on him for a minute wondering if he goes and buys socks when he goes to get new kicks.
Robin read about Willow Smith and how she seems to be crying out for help. Robin said she made some controversial Twitter statements and shaved her head. Robin said she's got a new song out and she has some of that to play. The song is Sugar and Spice. Howard said they better not let Brent Musburger comment on her. Howard asked how old she is now. Robin said she thinks she's about 13 or 14. Howard played some of her new song and she's singing about how she tried to be sugar and spice but she can't do anything right. Robin said she's actually just 12. Robin said that stuff is pretty heavy for a 12 year old. Howard wondered how she could be depressed hanging around those parents. Robin said she wants to take her in and raise her. Howard did a live commercial and then went to break.
After the break, around 9:55am, Robin got back to her news and read about Carmello Anthony getting upset when another player, Kevin Garnett, said that his wife tastes like something sweet. Robin said he was basically saying that he had sex with his wife and Carmello didn't take it very well.
Robin read about a priest in Illinois who had to call 9-1-1 to get help right away. Robin had the audio of that call. In the call the priest said he was stuck in a pair of handcuffs. Robin said when police arrived they found him in a leather bondage type mask and he had a bar in his mouth. Howard said he thought it sounded like he had something in his mouth. Robin said he was also wearing an orange jump suit. Howard said they're so hard up for priests that they get a lot of freaks. Howard said the church is fine with it and they just let them take some time off. Howard said they don't get rid of anyone. Howard did his impression of the guy calling 9-1-1 to get help for a cock stuck in his ass. Howard said it's a tough business being a priest. He said even if you're doing a good job people look at you suspiciously.
Robin read a story about a movie about John Lennon that's being made. Robin said there was this guy Steve Tilston who didn't think he could handle fame and success he could possibly have himself. John Lennon read an article about the guy and offered to guide him through the process but the guy never got the letter. He just learned of the letter a few years ago. Howard asked if his staff was working for him because a lot of his mail doesn't go through. Robin said this story led to the director of the movie adding a character similar to that guy. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about the Vice President meeting with gun safety groups at the White House. Robin said they're addressing the gun violence issue. Robin had some audio of someone talking about the gun control thing. Robin read about the NRA being included in those talks.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he ever thinks about taking a picture of himself and Beth in bed at the same time in a sensual moment. He said that would make everyone excited. Howard said if you want a sensual shot you don't put him in it. Howard said Beth is sensual. Howard said he's not looking to be the star. Howard said he doesn't want to jump into bed and be in the shot. Howard said maybe he'll take a shot of himself making a doody. The caller said Howard is sensuous. The guy said he's 100 percent hetero but he thinks Howard is a great looking guy. Howard asked how he could take that shot. The caller said he could look into her eyes or something like that. Howard said he sounds like a sensual man himself so he'll get right on that.
The caller said he wanted to say happy birthday to him in a familiar voice he hasn't heard in a while. He did a Gary the Retard impression saying happy birthday to him. Howard thanked him and read a live commercial after that.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about Gabrielle Giffords coming out against gun violence. Robin said that she said yesterday that she can't think of anyone better to lead this battle. Robin had some audio of her talking about that.
Robin read about Chris Christie focusing on the rebuilding of New Jersey after hurricane Sandy. Robin had some audio of Christie thanking everyone who helped out after the storm. Howard said he sounds like a regular guy. Robin said she was helping with that. She said she couldn't do much but she did something.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Gary and Jon Hein are sharing a hotel room. Gary said that they're not. He said he's never shared a hotel room with him. He said he shared a room at Howard's house once because Howard paired them all up.
Gary said he got so drunk that night that they went into the room and Jon went to brush his teeth and he's pretty sure he went to sleep fully clothed. Howard said he actually had a bunch of extra rooms but he just didn't tell them. Howard said Jon and Gary love each other. Howard asked if they're flying together. Gary said they are and he thinks they're going to sit with each other too. Howard said they should be talking about work on that flight. Howard said they're flying on his time. The caller asked if they have hotel rooms that connect. Gary said they're probably not even on the same floor. Howard asked Gary if he had to sleep with a guy, and have sex, hard core sex, would it be Jon. Howard said he would be a Nazi making him make that decision. Gary said he wouldn't trust him if he was a Nazi. He said he wouldn't have sex with the guy. Gary said he doesn't get what's wrong with his friendship with Jon.
Gary asked Howard if he would have sex with Fred or Ralph. Howard said he thinks he would pick Will over them. Howard said Will looks good in a dress. Howard said Fred has old balls. He said he wants a young Twink. Fred said he might break Will. Howard said if the Nazis are going to kill you then you have to do something. Gary said he would find a guy who looks like a chick. He said he and Artie were at the airport years ago and they saw a chick there. He said Artie gave him the elbow and pointed her out. It turned out to be Macauley Culkin.
Howard asked Robin if she had more in the news. Robin said that she has more about Lance Armstrong. Robin said they found that he had been taking performance enhancing drugs even in his first race in 1999. Robin said that 60 Minutes is going to have a sports spin-off and they found out this information. Robin said they also found a threatening voice mail had been sent to a team mate when all of this started coming out.
Howard said all of this sex talk got Jon and Gary in the mood to sing. Howard played a song parody of Gary and Jon singing about how they're in man love with each other. Howard said he's going to throw up from that.
Robin read more about the Lance Armstrong thing and said that he's supposed to speak to Oprah soon. Robin said we'll have to wait to see what he has to say.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Howard has been friends with Gary for a really long time. Gary said it's 28 years. The caller said it sounds like Gary has only been working for him for a week. Howard said Gary is learning constantly. The caller said that you'd think Howard would know that they were going away. Howard told the guy not to get him going. He said he's feeling good about Gary right now. He let the guy go and read another live commercial.
Robin read a story about 2012 being the warmest year in written history. She said experts are taking note. Robin had some audio of a scientist talking about that. Robin said that Scott doesn't see it. Scott asked if there was an ice age before. Robin just moved on. Robin had some audio of someone talking about it being the warmest summer on record too.
Robin read about a great white shark being seen near Jacksonville, Florida. Robin said they're tracking the shark that they have named Marylou. Robin had some audio of an expert talking about that. Howard said he won't even go in the ocean anymore because of sharks.
Robin read about Mariah Carey being on American Idol and she has confirmed she's being paid millions to be a judge. Robin had some audio of Barbara Walters talking to Mariah about that. Howard wondered how Barbara got on the air with that speech impediment. Robin said she used to get really upset when they made fun of her on Saturday Night Live. Howard said he's going to be watching American Idol. Robin said we'll have to see if he sticks with it.
Robin read about the show Downton Abbey coming back for another season. Howard said he doesn't like the name of the show. He said that it's Downtown, not Downton. Robin said that it's not down town though. Howard said he is just so angry. He said he was at his psychiatrist's office and he's sure that people heard him yelling in the office. Howard said he's pretty sure that Downton Abbey got in the yelling. He said everyone tells him he would love the show. Gary said it is interesting. He said he just watched 11 episodes in a week. He said he'll be caught up by next week. Robin said they had their premiere this Sunday and PBS had its highest ratings in a long time. Robin said that NBC turned the show down. Howard said who would have figured a show like that would have been good. Jon Hein told Howard it's a good show and it's shot beautifully. Robin said she thinks that Howard would get caught up in it but then again he's not into the accents. Howard said he hated Sherlock from England. Robin loved it. Jon told Howard to stick with Sherlock. Howard said he can't stand it.
Robin said Downton Abbey is doing very well for PBS. She said that the first two hours of the new season was fabulous. She wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:30am.
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Jon said JD is treated like a son. He said he does break his balls but he also looks out for him. He said Howard got him a birthday card. Today he was trying to help him get his finances in order. JD said he sees that and he appreciates it. He said he doesn't like talking about the web cams and stuff. He said it sounds creepy and it's hard to find girls talking about that. JD said that we all have things in the skeleton closet as Ronnie would say. JD said he's opened his mouth too many times and it's bitten him in the ass.
Jon asked JD who is more worried, Howard or Robin. JD said he thinks it's pretty much equal. He said Howard might talk about it more. JD said it's probably equal. They both like to bust his balls about it. Jon said that it works both ways. He said he's funny to listen to on the air but they're sweet on him too.
Jon said he's sure that JD doesn't want to talk about what his new name is. He said that people would start bothering him about it. Jon asked if he's going to start taking his money for the porn and put it into an investment account. JD said it depends on the ladies and if he can find one. He said he's a single 33 year old guy. Jon asked how he finds women. JD said he does find some on Facebook. He said that it's not all online. He said you have to find women other places. Jon asked what he's done outside of Facebook and Twitter. JD said it's not much. He said nothing really. Jon asked if he's worried that he won't meet someone. JD said he is. He said usually he's okay being alone. He said he can do whatever he wants but sometimes he wants a companion. Jon asked if DePace talked to him about his finances. JD said he did and so did Ben Barto.
Gary asked JD if he's going to get help to put money or away or to invest what he has. JD said he has some money to invest. JD said he has his money saved in a bank that's an online bank. Jon said that they used to offer really good rates.
Jon asked if Gary knew DePace was a financial genius. JD said he seems to know what he's talking about. Gary said he could talk about investing too. He said that JD shouldn't be conservative though. He said he can be kind of aggressive.
Jon asked JD how he thinks a 401K works. JD said the company puts in a certain percentage into an account... Jon asked him to continue. Jon said he's talking about a company match. JD said they're matching part of your salary. He said you put in a certain amount and then they match it. Gary said he didn't know they were doing a match. Jon said he thinks it's a dollar for dollar match. Jon said Sal's name didn't come up during that conversation. JD said that he didn't put money away so maybe he's not the best with money.
Jon took a call from a guy who said his wife loves him. He said he's awesome. JD said all the wives love him. The caller said that Howard talked about going to dinner and then he was shot out of a cannon. He said he ripped everyone apart today. He said something must have happened at dinner that set him off. The caller also asked if he could mention his band's web site. They hung up on him before he did that.
Jon said that Howard hit Gary, Scott the Engineer and Ronnie. Gary said Howard was fired up before the show even started. He said he was upset with the way some things are being run around there. He said he's not sure if he was in a bad mood or if those things put him in that mood.
Jon said Howard seemed to be surprised that they were going to CES and that GEEKTIME was going out there. Gary said that he told Howard that he wasn't going to be there on Friday and he wasn't trying to hide anything from him. He said he told him that morning that he was going to be going. They spent a minute on that before they had to take a break.
Jon said Howard also ran into Larry David down in Mexico. Gary said he's tried to turn Howard on to Curb but he hasn't been able to do it. He said that people tell Howard that he's very much like Larry. Jon said that there are similarities there. Jon said he's not sure why Howard doesn't get into it.
Jon said he wanted to move off of J.B. for a second. He said that Ronnie took a hit today about the new limo. He said that Ronnie said he did nothing wrong. Ronnie said it doesn't matter what he does, he just does everything wrong. Jon asked Ronnie what happened with the seat. Ronnie said that Howard tried out the seat and he didn't like it. The coach builder built the car and it's not his fault. Ronnie said he couldn't be there to see them building the car. Ronnie said they didn't build the car the way Howard wanted. He said he took the blame for that. Ronnie said they were going to jazz the seat up a bit but all they did was put some extra foam in it. He said they told them that they were going to put in a different seat. He said the seat is very bench like. He said it's square and not like a round, plush seat. He said that's not his fault though.
Jon asked if it's fair to blame Ronnie over this. JD said he doesn't know the particulars. Ronnie said Howard went to the place with him and they went through the seat thing. Ronnie said he didn't want another Escalade thing again. He said that this isn't a car. He said it's a crossover. JD said that the only connection to the car is Ronnie so Howard is going to go off on him. Ronnie said he was on the phone Monday morning. He said the guy was at Howard's house on Monday afternoon to give him a chance to try another seat. He said that he was on it right away. Jon asked if Ronnie thought that he was in trouble right away. Ronnie said he assumed they did it the right way. He said the car they were using was almost 5 years old so it was time to go. He said Howard loved that car.
Ronnie asked how JD got out of getting yelled at today. Gary said Howard likes some people there that he doesn't yell at. JD and Jon are two of them. Jon said he's never really gotten yelled at. JD said he has gotten yelled at a couple of times.
Jon asked Ronnie if he has been contacted by Scott about returning to the block party. Ronnie said he didn't hear the whole thing this morning. Ronnie said that Sequoia called Scott for another reason but not to come back to the block party. Gary said they have to save this conversation for another time.
Jon asked Ronnie if he wants Scott back. Ronnie said they had to replace him. Gary asked if he wants Scott back. Ronnie said that he would like him back but he's not getting rid of JD. Scott came in and said he never said a word to anyone about coming back until Sequoia asked him to come back and do the block party and poker tournament. Ronnie said he was supposed to keep that quiet so he could be the mystery guest. Scott said he never said he was going to do it though. Ronnie said he just spoiled it. Scott said all he said was he got the call asking him to do the show in Atlantic City. Scott said he and Shuli had a discussion about possibly doing it going forward in the future.
Ronnie asked Scott who he talked to first. Ronnie said Scott told him he wanted to come back because the money was good. He said he told him to talk to Shuli. Scott said it was portrayed like he begged them to come back. Ronnie said that Sequoia was the one who suggested it. He said they never talked about him coming back. Jon said that it's still a mystery if he's going to show up or not at the block party. Scott said he has made his mind up but he won't tell anyone. He said they'll have to come to Atlantic City to find out. JD said that's a yes. Scott said it doesn't matter if he's there or not. He said they'll sell the same amount of tickets.
Ronnie said they really should wait for Shuli to talk more about this. Scott said that he has to eat his pride and he's feeling that right now. Jon said they should take a break. He said they'll wait until Monday to talk more about it.
JD asked Ronnie who his fantasy guy would be. Ronnie said it might be a NASCAR driver but he's not mentioning any names. He said Kevin Harvick is a sweet guy though. He said Tony Stewart is up for anything so you never know. Jon asked who he would pick on the staff to blow him. Ronnie said they can blow him but he's not blowing anyone. He said he'd probably pick Doug Goodstein because he's pretty feminine. He said he thinks he'd treat him like a woman. Jon asked if he wants to be treated like a woman. Steve said this doesn't work because Howard was talking about who he'd blow. Jon said it works both ways. Ronnie said he'd fuck Doug in the ass. He said it might be his pleasure to fuck him in the ass... real hard.
Gary said there is a guy in the room who was willing to get fucked in the ass. That was Scott the Engineer. Doug came in around that time too. Jon asked if he was surprised that Howard said Will was his guy. Doug said the answer should be ''just kill me.'' He said he would choose no comment on this. He said he never thought about this.
Jon asked Scott who he would choose. Scott said no one. He said he'd be done. Scott said he's not going to pick someone. Ronnie asked when he stopped talking. Jon said he thinks that Scott is pissed at Ronnie. Scott said he's not pissed. Jon said this is a mess.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to say that Howard was getting along pretty good with Mr. Smoove and he wondered if he'd ever sit in the Artie chair for a week or so. He said he seems to be original and he has the same kind of sense of humor. He also wondered if he'd have a problem with him being black and sitting in. Gary said some people call it the Jackie chair and some call it the Artie chair. Gary said that they get this for a lot of great guests. He said if it's every day it's not as interesting. He said J.B. was great today but they need someone more subtle to sit in. He said he would like to have J.B. on the show in a few months again though. He said they don't have a problem with him being black either.
Jon took another call from a guy who said Ronnie is the most annoying guy around. He said they have to put him away back in the car. He called him a little annoying Jew. Jon said the guy just hung up after that. Jon said Ronnie is doing pretty good and he's got the Block Party and it's growing. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done around 11:15am.
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The Science Of Getting Out Of A Ticket. 01/10/07. 9:05am
Howard took another call from a guy who said he got a tour of the studios one day before they went on vacation. He thanked everyone for the tour there and said he had left some badges there for them. Artie said he's gotten out of a couple of tickets thanks to those badges. Gary asked what the right move is because he got pulled over about 4 months ago. He said he gave the guy the PBA card with his license and the guy freaked out on him. He said he did what Artie does and the cop freaked out. The caller said that it all depends on the cop who pulls you over.
Gary said he told the cop that his cousin is on the job and that's how he got the card. He said that he eventually broke down and told the cop he wasn't really his cousin and told him the truth. Howard told him that he's an asshole and he should just say that it's his brother who is on the job. He told him he should have stuck with his story. Artie told him he should have broken into tears.
Ronnie said that what you're supposed to do is have all of the badges lined up in your wallet. Then you hand the cop your license with the badge and let them fall out so the cop asks why you have them all. Gary said he has a money clip and keeps his license and PBA card in there. Ronnie said that if you only have one, you don't hand it to him with the license, you keep it in your hand so he can see it. He said you make the cop look like an asshole when you hand him the card.
Howard told Gary that he's as thick as a brick and he would never hand him the PBA card if he got pulled over. Gary thought he was saying that just because Ronnie had told him that's what he's supposed to do. He claims he knew that you're not supposed to hand him the card. Gary said that he's done that before and that didn't work either. Howard went off on him for a short time and Fred played a Baba Booey song parody.
Ronnie said that one time he got pulled over with Howard and he had a whole plaque of PBA cards in his window and the cop ended up taking three of them from him and didn't give them back. He said that it's almost like a get out of jail free card when you have one. You have to do it right though.
Artie said that you play the humble thing and that's the way to make it work. He said that it usually works for him. He said that they do ask who gave him the card and he tells them and it works. Howard said he got pulled over years ago before he was famous and told the cop he didn't know how to drive, he didn't know where to go and she let him go. She didn't want to hear him whine so she let him go.
Gary said he got out of a ticket when he just apologized for doing whatever it was he did. Artie said you never tell the cop you weren't doing what he claims you were doing. That makes the cop look like an idiot.
Bobo called in and said he knows what to do. Before he could get anything out Artie was goofing on his toupee and Howard said that he keeps his PBA card under the toupee. Bobo said that you just admit to what you know you did wrong and then hold off on giving up the PBA card. He said that you can't use that PBA card right away. Another woman called in and said that the PBA card doesn't mean anything to a lot of cops. Gary said it depends on the level of the card though. Gary said his card is a specific section of the department. The woman said that if you have an actual badge, then you can get out of it. She said that the badge is something you give up in the little holder it's in.
Gary said that he had a cop giving him a hard time about parking illegally when he went to pick up food. He said the cop told him he was doing two things wrong. He only came up with the one. Howard told him he was also doing something that his wife should have been doing. Gary said it was actually that he was parked going in the wrong direction.
Artie told a story about a cop pulling him over for going through a red light that had been yellow when he rolled through it. He was in a Mercedes convertible and the cop pulled him over, asked him what he was doing. Artie said he told the cop he was on his way to work on the Norm Show. The cop didn't know who he was or what the show was. The cop asked him about the show and what he did on it and how he could prove he was on the show. Artie had to show him the script to prove that he was actually on the show. The cop said that he was doing him a favor by pulling him over because they really need to do something different over there since he didn't know about the show.
Artie said the cop didn't give him a ticket and jerked him around for like 15 minutes. He went to his car and jerked him around with that and then gave him everything back and told him to tell Norm MacDonald that he's a big fan. He did all of that just to jerk him around.
Artie told another story about this guy driving him home from Albany one time. He said the cop was smoking a joint and there was pot smoke pouring out of the car. Artie got out of the car to puke because he was feeling like crap and a cop pulled up. There was pot smoke pouring out of the car and the cop just shined his flashlight on him, said ''ART-AAAYYY!'' and drove away.
Howard said he had a lot of stuff to get to today and one of them was the prank call that Sal and Richard made using clips of his parents. He said they re-cut the call to include all of the dirty stuff the guy was saying to his mother. He played that call a short time later.
In the clip Howard took a call from a guy who asked why Jackie didn't show up to a show in Albany, New York. Jackie didn't want to talk about it. He said the guy canceled the show and he may have told the people that he canceled. Howard asked what happened. Gary said the guy canceled the show about a week before. He said the guy told him that he didn't sell any tickets. Jackie said he heard from another guy who said that they bought a bunch of tickets. Jackie said he won't mention the guy's name though. Howard said of course not. Jackie said that the guy has been in business for a long time too. He said it really sucks because it always comes back to the performer.
The caller said he paid 10-15 bucks for the ticket. Jackie said that the guy who produced the show is the guy who runs the comedy club. Howard said this is Jackie's world and it's all monkey business. He said the simplest show gets botched. Howard said all he had to do was show up and do a show. Howard did his Jackie voice and goofed on him about that whole thing. Robin was doing her voice too. Howard said it's always a nightmare. He did more of his impression and kept goofing on Jackie about the screw up.
Howard asked Jackie why he doesn't call the guy and find out what's going on. Jackie said he already did that. Howard said he's always spitting philosophy when it comes to that stuff. Howard said that's what goes on in that office of Jackie's. He said he takes over the jock lounge after the show and makes his calls. Howard said he gets to hear all of that going on back there. Robin was still doing her Jackie voice and having conversations on the phone. She was talking about his t-shirts and things like that.
stuttering John came in and told Howard that Jackie does his business on the phone during lunch sometimes. He said he'll take him to lunch and he has to wait 45 minutes while he does his business. John said he's always negotiating too. He said it is really funny though. John said Nancy's name is always coming up too. John said that Jackie's secretary is Nancy's mom. He can't yell at her because she's his mother-in-law.
Howard said Jackie always has problems with something. He said he always has issues with the tapes he orders and things like that. John said his latest problem is a TV he ordered that's taking a long time to get to him. He said it's like a 70 inch screen. Howard said Jackie's mom is just staring at the wall waiting for it to show up.
Howard did more of his Jackie impression telling Nancy how to hit record to get his tapes made. John said he would never hire anyone in his family to get something done like that. Howard asked what happens when the mom comes to him for a raise. Jackie said she goes to her daughter. Howard asked what he pays someone like that. Jackie said it's the same as they pay Gange. Howard asked if it was really that little. Howard said they can get away with it with Gange but not a woman like that.
Jackie didn't want to talk more about that. Howard said he wants to know what the mom does. Jackie said she works at the Off Hour Rockers business office. He said she handles phone call orders and things like that. Howard asked why he has so much aggravation. Howard said he seems kind of upset about the way things are going. Jackie said he has to walk out and do his phone calls in the hallway there. John said that Howard talks to one person and Jackie talks to like 12.
Jackie said that John uses the phone in the office a lot too. John said this doesn't have anything to do with that. Howard told Jackie to get an agent. He said he should be the one making the calls, not Jackie.
John told Howard about some other things Jackie has been up to. Howard said he wants to get a camera on Jackie and follow him around like Real World. He said he'd like to see what's going on back at home. Jackie said that won't happen.
Howard asked what Nancy's mother's name is. Jackie said it's Eileen. Howard did more of his Jackie voice talking to Eileen. Howard said it must be nice for Jackie to be able to buy a 70 inch TV. He said that's what he gets working on this show. Howard asked if he ordered it straight from Japan. Howard said he must get a discount doing that. Jackie said he ordered it in September. Howard asked if he ordered it from a regular company. Jackie said it's no one's business. Howard said he knew something was going on there. Howard asked what brand it was. Jackie said it's a Sony. He said it just hasn't become available yet. He said it looked really nice in the brochure but he hasn't seen one in person yet. Howard said he should call up and threaten them. Howard said maybe he should get it from someone who has it in stock. Jackie said he's already on a first name basis with every Sony dealer on the East Coast. John asked if he paid for it yet. Jackie said he did. He said it's actually a 61 inch TV and not a 70. Howard said that must be some TV. He said that's Jackie business and he's sure people wanted to know about that.
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The Steve Grillo Interview Nightmare. 01/10/11. 8:25am
Howard said that Steve Grillo used to be an intern on the show. He went off to work in show business after being an electrician. Howard said that Steve kept asking if he could do anything for the show. Howard said they sent him out to a red carpet event to do some interviews. He said Steve said he would love to go out and do that and he couldn't wait to do it. Howard said Steve has this burning desire to be in show business so they're trying to help him out. He said they had nothing for him for months. He said Steve kept calling and asking if they had anything because he has this burning desire to do it. Howard had Fred doing his impression of Steve for a couple of minutes.
Howard said they finally told Steve they had the Adult Video News awards coming up. Gary said that Steve actually asked him if he could cover them. Gary said it became a whole ordeal because he was asking for four press passes for his buddy and his wife and others. Gary said that Steve hit him back and said it would just be him. He said he told Steve to get a good recorder from Jason to make sure he was set up. Jason then called and said that Grillo had no recorder and he asked him to send it with Gary. Gary said that it turned into a nightmare and he had no idea where to send it because Steve was giving him multiple addresses. They eventually got things set up and Grillo got his recorder.
Howard said they got the tape from Grillo and this is what they got. Howard played the clip of Grillo doing interviews and he was over modulated. Howard said the whole tape is like that. Howard said they can't understand a thing the kid says. Howard said that he was working on questions for this guy for hours. He said they were all writing questions and editing them and then he goes out and does this. Howard said it was such a waste.
Howard played a few more seconds of the tape and laughed saying that's the tape they got back from Grillo. Howard said he can hear the call now where Grillo is saying he did exactly what he was supposed to do and it's not his fault.
Gary said that they set the recorder to what it was supposed to be set at and he must have touched something. He said they did have a camera crew following him so they will have audio from that later this week.
Howard said this reminds him of the prank calls Sal and Richard made to Tradio where they were over modulated. Howard played that clip and it did sound like the Grillo interviews.
Howard said you know how hard up they must be for calls on that show because they stuck with them. Howard played more of the call and said that Richard couldn't even believe that the guy was interacting with him.
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In the clip Howard said he had something for Robin to do. He said he went to get on Gary's phone the other day to talk to Steve Leeds and he picked it up and he stunk. Howard had Jackie get the receiver so they could get it in there to smell it. Robin smelled it and then Fred smelled it. Howard said he knows Gary isn't the only one using it but it stinks. Fred was grossed out by it. He said it smells like the bottom of a hamster cage.
Howard said it has to be Gary. He said that he's not sure how he can stand the smell every day. Gary said he's not the only one using it. He said it does smell a little funky though. Robin said it smells like there should be plants growing out of it. Howard said he wasn't able to have a conversation with Steve because of the smell.
Howard asked Gary why he can't smell that. Gary said he's had issues with his sense of smell lately. Howard said that no one is allowed to use his phone anymore. He said he's the only one who is going to use it. He said he can smell something on it after certain people use it. He said he wants the interns kept out of his office too. He said he can't take the smell. Howard told Gary to get more phones so he can have his own phone. He said he doesn't want to smell that anymore. Howard told Gary he's not allowed to sit at his desk anymore. He told Gary he's the one who stinks.
Howard said that Robin has to smell it again. Robin said that she can't keep it there. She said it might be the type of plastic that absorbs the smell. Howard said she could be right. Howard said no other phone smells like that at the station though. Robin said they were talking about just changing receivers for when Howard wants to use it. Howard said they were going to bring in tongs for Jackie to carry the phone in with. He said they forgot to bring them in though.
Howard asked what they could clean it with. Robin suggested alcohol. Gar said he used isopropyl alcohol to clean it and it took care of the smell. Gary said he's not the only one using that phone though. Howard said he's just letting him know it smells.
Howard said maybe it's the people on the other end calling in that make it smell. He said he didn't even mean for this to come off as a nasty thing. Howard said maybe he should go dip it in the toilet to make it smell better.
Various Stuff. 1/10/02. 6:05am
Howard said he watched a tickling video yesterday that was in his daily mail pile. He said the guy doing the tickling, Yaqi, is very disturbing though. Howard said the guy was reading from a script in the video which was very strange. Howard said one of the women had a lot of hair on her belly and a belly ring that drew attention to it. Howard wasn't even going to mention the tape because he didn't want to give the guy attention. Howard was looking through his mail while his daughter was in the limo with him and she found the tape. Howard decided not to watch the tape while his kid was in the car. When he got home he watched it with his girlfriend who was ''horrified'' by the tape. Howard liked it but he didn't get off on it. He played some audio clips from the video on the air for us. Yaqi's voice was pretty odd and Robin said just that part was disturbing and she hadn't seen much of the video yet. Everyone in the studio found the tape pretty funny to watch. Howard gave the guy a plug and it was called ''Yaqi's World'' and it's available at YaqisWorld.com.
Howard got a phone call from a guy who brought up Sean Penn and the comments he made about Howard recently. Howard went off on Penn once again. Other people are also going off on Penn who compared Howard and Bill O'Reilly to Osama bin Laden. Reporters are writing articles about how ridiculous the comparison was so Howard mentioned one of those before moving on to other stuff.
Howard was talking about his upcoming trip to Las Vegas when model Amber Smith (in ''Private Parts'' AmberSmith.net) called in to offer her bra and panties for an auction. Howard didn't want that so he told Amber to go to Vegas with them so they could party with her. She said she'd love that so she'll be there. Howard wants to have Yaqi tickle her until she wets herself. She said she'd be up for the tickling so Howard told her how it will work. It sounds like she's into it too.
Howard said Ralph is throwing a small birthday party for Howard on Saturday night. A bunch of his friends will be getting together at a club to party for a while. Howard will be 48 on Saturday. He said he just caught his buddy Richie in a lie about his age the other day. Howard said last year Richie told him he was 40 years old but then this year he slipped and said he's 42. Howard caught him because he remembered what he said last year. Richie called in and said he used to lie about his age but he's given up on that. Robin said she still doesn't believe that he's telling the truth though.
Sal The ''G-Man'' Stockbroker's Rap Record. 01/10/05. 7:35am
Gary pulled some tape of the Jets coach Herm Edwards who says a lot without actually saying anything. He tries to motivate the team while yelling about all of this nonsense but he doesn't really say anything. Howard said the whole thing is embarrassing. The guy sounds a lot like Jesse Jackson according to Howard.
Howard brought up the Cops clips he was playing last week and replayed them this morning. They had one clip where a cop had to visit a guy who was calling 911 over and over for no reason. The guy was mumbling and rambling unintelligibly. Howard had some fun with that and then moved on to a CD he had featuring on of their staff members who went in and recorded an album when they were about 15 years old. Their parents hired some musicians and had the album produced. Howard played the CD and it was just awful music. It turned out to be Sal the Stockbroker. It was kind of a rap song but it was just horrible. Sal came in a short time later to talk about the whole thing. Sal said that he was doing this rap stuff when he was 15 years old and he sent in a tape to a guy who took an ad out in a penny saver magazine. The guy took them for $3,000 and told Sal and his family that the music was hot. The guy said that they needed $7,500 to produce the album. That was way too much so they referred him to another guy who wanted $5,000. That was too much so he went to another guy who was only charging $750. That guy just rolled his eyes and Sal ended up going back to the first guy who referred him to one more guy. This guy told Sal that he was going to pass it along to Polygram. They had a bunch of washed up musicians come in to record the album. He was going to buy a car at the time but spent the money on producing the gayest song in the history of the world, ever.
Sal said that the first guy, Tito, said that he needed a bunch of copies of his tape to shop the album around. Sal spent another $600 on duplicating the tapes and dropped them off at his office. He didn't hear anything for months. He called Tito back 3 months later and Tito asked him where the tapes were. Sal told him he dropped them off but Tito claimed he never got them. Richard Christy told Howard that Sal's rap name was ''G-man'' back then too. Richard told the guys that Sal had a whole dance with the music as well. Sal said he doesn't dance but they convinced him to dance along to his awful music. Everyone was laughing as he danced for a few seconds. Howard said it was a ''train wreck.''
Sal said he finally figured out what the guy was doing by referring him to all of these recording studios. Howard told him that they got it, he didn't have to explain it to them. Howard also found it funny that Sal's father owned a pizza place and didn't have $3,000 to give Sal to produce the album back then. Artie said he's never known a pizza place that didn't have $3,000 to throw around.
Captain Janks called in and played some tape from the Larry King Show where they got 3 prank calls in a row about Howard Stern. At the time Donny said he didn't know of Howard. Larry King was pretending that he didn't know who Howard was either.
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In the clip Howard was talking about how Jackie's wife woke him up in the middle of the night to have sex. Jackie said it took a long time to finish because he had taken care of himself earlier.
Howard said he had a weird dream. He said all of the guys were dressed up like women. He said it was really weird. He said that he's no homosexual so he doesn't know what that means. Howard said he was bothered by it. He said no sex occurred and no kissing was going on. He said they picked up some guys and they were trying to kiss them. Howard said the joke had gone too far in the dream. Howard said that he resents that Jackie was even in his dream. Howard said he got up and had to get something to eat. He said he had to cool down after the dream.
Robin said she has an interpretation. She said she thinks that Howard is afraid of his feminine side. Howard said he'll go with that. He said he is afraid of that side. Howard said he is a soft guy and he's comfortable with that though.
Howard said he got a Christmas card from Stuttering John's parents. He said they send him cards and gifts. He said that they have a son who is 26 who has his buddies over to play in a band in their garage. Howard said that's what kids do. He said they're grateful that John has a job and he's making a little money. Howard said he's making personal appearances and making some money from that. Howard said they wrote a note to him and they call him Mr. Stern. Howard said they wished him a happy year and happy holidays. Howard said John's dad is Ralph and his mother is something like Aase. Howard asked if that's it. John said it's actually pronounced ''O-Sa''. He said it's a Danish name.
Howard asked John what some of the letter said. John said it was their last name. Howard said he couldn't read it. John said his mom is very grateful for the job. He said he didn't want to bring in the presents that his mom got for Howard's kids. Howard said they were very nice. Howard said his mom shouldn't be getting him presents though. John said he was in bed and he had some fans show up at the house. His mother came up and got him out of bed to come down and meet them. He said she just doesn't get it.
Howard said it must be weird being 26 and living at home with his parents. John said it's a huge house so he might as well hang out.
Howard said John was telling him about these chicks he's been banging. John said he told him about the one girl he met at a gig he did. Howard asked if his parents mind that he's got the girls coming over. John said they don't even know that he's there. Howard said that he has a little house in the suburbs. Robin said it's not tiny but it's not all that big. John said his father built a whole other level on the house. He said it's like 10 rooms. Robin said it's not that big. She said they're all stumbling over each other in that house. She said his bed takes up his whole room.
Howard said in Denmark that house is the size of an estate. John said that the Danish have done a lot for society. He said they helped save the Jews and they discovered America 500 years before Columbus did. Howard asked how they helped society. John said they helped save the Jews. Howard said they're cowards and they didn't take sides in the war. Howard said Sweden laughs at Denmark. He said he must have gotten kicked in the head with wooden shoes. They had to go to break after that.
Holy Crap! Elephant Boy Comes Out Of The Closet!!! 1/10/97. 7:40am
Today was a big day for Elephant Boy! What started out as a simple thing turned into a big deal. Elephant Boy was coming down with his girlfriend from Cleveland and a friend of hers. The friend was supposed to be hooking up with Crackhead Bob. When they got there the girl said that she didn't really want to date Bob, she just wanted a free meal out of the deal. That was just the beginning. Howard had tape of Elephant Boy leaving a message on one of those personal ads where you call in and leave a message for the person you want to date. The surprising thing was that Elephant Boy was looking for a ''...couple in their 30's or 40's where the man is Bi(-sexual)...''! At first he said that he was just messing around goofing on the sex line but he quickly admitted to have had sexual encounters with men in his past and that he's actually Bi-Sexual himself!!! He said that his new year's resolution is to always tell Howard the truth... maybe this is too much truth! The whole Crackhead Bob thing was just about forgotten once Elephant Boy let this loose. EB made the message while he and his girlfriend were broken up so it wasn't really a goof. He was horny and he needed some sex. When Howard questioned Elephant Boy about who in the studio he's attracted to the most he said that Fred (Eric) is the best one. Fred couldn't look at Elephant Boy once he heard that. Elephant Boy said that he'd never act on that feeling but it's there. Everyone has wondered why Elephant Boy enjoys pro wrestling so damn much.. now you have the answer! Howard asked EB if he'd ever used his mouth on another man, he said yes. Jackie stated his ''OH OH'' stuff when he heard that. Elephant Boy then said that he just wants to tell the truth. This story should definitely win an F-Emmy this year. Getting back to Crackhead Bob... This woman that Elephant Boy brought along didn't even know what Bob looked like before she came down. She was quite surprised once he came into the studio. Her eyes apparently rolled back in her head when she saw him. Bob said that he didn't want to go out with this women since he knows that the relationship wouldn't have a chance in hell of going anywhere. Eventually he agreed to double date with Elephant Boy and his girlfriend. They're supposed to go to an S&M club tonight. That would be a hell of a sight!
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 9:00am.
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Today's Best of the Week was over around 11:20am.