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Playboy Cyber Club
Howard and the guys were back live this morning. Howard started the show talking about how they're back live and there are no more recorded shows and no more SNL specials. Howard said he has a lot of things to get to and he has two guests. He has Woody Harrelson coming in and Alec Baldwin calling in. He said they'll probably get rational Alec on the phone. He said that they'll be listening in on Alec having sex with his wife on the phone. He had an example of what that might sound like. He played a porn clip of some crazy sounding sex session. Howard said that's some porn that Richard and Sal found. Robin said it sounds like Asian porn. Howard said he thinks it's good old American porn. Howard said Woody has some new movie to promote and so does Alec.
Howard said Wolfie went out to something called Brony-Con. Howard thought he heard a baby crying but Robin said that's her cats actually. Howard said Robin's cats flock to him when he goes to her house. Robin said they love him.
Howard said some woman died at Comic-Con. He said she was 53 and she was waiting on line at some symposium out there. He said she went to cross the street to save her place in line and she fell in the street and a car ran over her head. She was going to see the cast of Twilight. Howard said that's what she died for. Howard said he heard there was a rumor that her friend went in to see the cast even after her friend had just died in the street. Howard said she wasn't dressed as anything from what he heard. He said that they could have ended up calling 9-1-1 and saying there was a werewolf dead in the street. Howard said it's an awful story and it's really not funny. Robin said that whole story is wrong. She was 53 and going to see the cast of Twilight.
Howard said Wolfie went to this Brony-Con and it's for people who are into My Little Pony. He said it's mostly grown men who go to it too. He said this is out in Pennsylvania. He said that they're turned on by the comic pony in the My Little Pony thing.
Howard played a clip of Wolfie asking a guy what a ''clopper'' is and if he has pleasured himself to My Little Pony images. The guy said he guesses he has. He said he's done it a lot too.
Gary came in and showed Howard a picture of Wolfie with a couple of the guys at Brony-Con. Howard said the name Brony-Con is disturbing enough alone. He played another clip of Wolfie asking a guy what a Brony is. The guy said it's fans of the My Little Pony universe and they might like dressing up. He was dressed up as Rainbow Dash. Wolfie asked him to sing a few bars from the show. The guy did it. Wolfie asked a bunch of questions about the show and what it is they do when they're Brony's.
Howard told Robin to keep with this and listen in. Howard played another clip of Wolfie asking another guy about the My Little Pony thing. That guy was saying he's into the ''sweet pony ass'' when he jerks off to that stuff.
Howard played another clip where a Brony was telling Wolfie about how there is My Little Pony porn out there. He was also informing Wolfie about what ''fapping'' is. That's the sound you make when you're masturbating. Wolfie asked the guy who he likes best and jerks off to most often. The guy said he won't answer that.
Howard asked Robin what she thinks about that. Robin said this is the saddest thing she's ever heard. Howard played another clip of Wolfie asking a guy about his My Little Pony collection. The guy said he hides his collection away in his room. He said that it's hard to explain it to his friends and family when they think it's a kid's show. He's 27 years old. He still lives at home. He told Wolfie that his dad is proud of him.
Howard said there was one guy who said he's 28 years old ''I believe'' like he didn't know how old he was. Howard played another clip and cut it off saying he can't take much more. Robin said she was fascinated. Howard played more of the clip and the guy was talking about how he doesn't smile much and it tends to make people kind of skittish. He said he was once reported as a potential terrorist when he went into a store to shop. Wolfie asked him who he was into and if he tells people that he's into this stuff. He said he doesn't tell anyone and his parents are kind of old fashioned so he doesn't tell them about it. Wolfie asked the guy if it would be harder for his father to hear he's a gay man or that he's a Brony. The guy said it would be harder for the Brony thing. Wolfie had him sing some of the theme song for him. The guy did that for him.
Howard wondered how you know to put this together and that 4,000 people will show up to it. Robin wondered why it was in Pennsylvania. Howard said he thinks it was in the back woods somewhere too. He said it wasn't in Philadelphia or anywhere like that.
Howard said he had one clip listed as ''Depressed Brony.'' Howard played that clip and it was the guy who wasn't sure if he was 28. He told Wolfie that he's unemployed and his parents don't seem to care about his obsession. He said it's not the first weird thing he's latched on to. Wolfie asked him about his depression and about how many ponies he has in his collection. He said he has 8. He keeps them on a shelf next to his bed. Howard said he'd like to see that bedroom. He said he'd bet that if you're a girl you'd never get out of that bedroom.
Howard said he has one last clip. He played that one and Wolfie asked the guy about the Pony character he was carrying with him. He said he makes them and makes hats too. Howard said that's such a waste of time. Wolfie asked him what his parents think about his obsession. The guy said his parents don't understand it. He said he keeps his ponies out on a shelf. Howard said he's afraid to watch My Little Pony now. Wolfie asked the guy if he'd rather be there or banging a supermodel. The guy said he'd rather be there.
Howard said he hates it there and he wants out. He said he won't take anymore salary and he'll just leave. He said it's impossible that the phones are always broken. He said he's not that important to them now anyway. He said no one even hears what's going on with the other shows over there.
Howard said his agent told him that even though he has a 5 year deal he could leave. He said this week is going to be the worst because he has AGT at night and then this in the morning. He said it's going to be very interesting. Robin asked what days he'll be there. Howard said he has to do it Tuesday and Wednesday night. Howard said he has planned a lot of it around vacation.
Howard said he had to come into the city to do AGT during his vacation last week. He said he really enjoys doing the show though. He said they contacted him about coming back for the next season and asked what he wanted to do. Howard said they evidently like him. He said that he wants to see what it's like to do the two shows at the same time. Howard said he will find that out this week. He said he'll have to make a decision after that.
Howard said he likes doing AGT and he likes the whole way they do things. Robin said that Howard is determining another person's fate and it's like he's playing god.
Bobo told Howard about the article they had about AGT. He said it was Linda Stasi who wrote the article. Howard said he read that and it was depressing. Howard said he likes Linda's column but she was brutal. Howard said he thought that she'd like him on the show but she thought he was kind of shitty. He said she didn't give an example of why she thought that though. Bobo said he read it. He gave Howard some of what she said. Howard said he thinks that she feels like there is more of him on the show than there really is.
Howard said he got really bummed out after reading that. He said if no one appreciates him then he might have to leave the show. He said if he felt he was ruining the show he'd leave. Howard said the next day there was an article in USA Today who wrote a review of the show and he basically said the complete opposite thing. He said that guy loves him and he was like ''thank god'' after that other review.
Robin said she saw Howard on the cover of some magazine as the best judge out there but she's not sure how to get that magazine. Howard said he saw that too and he would like a copy.
Howard said he thought Linda would have liked him but he was wrong. He said he did like that other article and he thought that's what Linda's was going to be like. He said she never did give him a reason for why she thinks he's bad. He said she didn't have a definitive reason. Howard said he's not going to ask her for further clarification. He said he has a really thin skin and he'll get suicidal over that stuff.
Howard said he thinks he's mixing it up on that show and it's good for the show. Robin said that she watched morning shows for the past 2 weeks and they're so bland. Howard said that's why he thinks he's mixing it up and making it good on this AGT show.
Howard said if you read the NY Post or USA Today you'll either believe that he's a great judge or a horrible judge.
Bobo asked Howard what was up with the Howie Mandel hidden camera thing. He said he didn't think it was funny. Howard said that's what Howie does. Robin said she'd be pissed if she was in the competition and he was goofing on them. Howard said that he didn't believe that anyone didn't recognize him. Howard said Howie swears they didn't though. He said Howie is his man and he didn't even know they were doing that piece. Howard said Howie is there early doing stuff like that. He said he got there early one day and Howie had been there for hours already. He said Howie loves being there.
Bobo asked Howard about being upset with Howie about the Big Barry thing. Howard said Howie tried to explain that he has Wack Packers on the show all the time. He said he does that because he's interviewing them. He said no one is going to pay to see them.
Howard said Big Barry was on some show and he was completely boring when he was on. He said he had nothing to say at all. Howard said Barry wasn't even a funny Wack Packer but he wouldn't have him on the show as a Wack Packer.
JD told Howard he has some audio of Barry on the Today Show. Howard said you can see that they rushed him off the stage when he had nothing to say. He played that clip and said that he's not even a wacky character. Robin said he may be a wacky guy but they're not bringing it out in him.
Howard said that Howie thought of him like Tiny Tim but he didn't think of him that way at all. Howard thanked Bobo for his call after that.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that he was amazing the last two weeks. She thought he got better with each show. She thought it was very kind of him to apologize to Barry. Howard said his problem wasn't with Barry. He said it was with Howie. The caller asked if Howie really didn't get that it kept someone good from getting through. Howard said he really didn't get it. He said he refuses to apologize to those people.
Howard talked about how he had to compromise with the other judges to get some of his people through. Howard said he had to do that with the guy who sings the Love Boat theme. He said that he will be coming up soon. Howard said he guarantees that they wouldn't sell one ticket to some of those shows. Robin said Howie cares but he has a weird thing about those acts. Howard said Howie is looking for a shticky kind of thing but it's not Big Barry.
The caller said that they have to tell these people what they need to do to get through. Howard said that Sharon and Howie are good at that. Howard said that Andrew De Leon was better than Barry even though he didn't do well out in Vegas. Robin said that's what Howie does though. He finds some weird, talentless act that he puts through. Howard said Howie does insist on some of those things and they've seen some of that stuff already.
The caller thinks that Howard is going to keep doing better and better on the show and he'll turn some people around. Howard said he wants to change Linda Stasi's mind about him. The caller said that there's always one bad review for every movie. Howard said Roger Ebert gave a bad review to Godfather II so maybe that's what this is like.
Howard said he got a letter over vacation about how he was inducted into the Radio Hall of Fame. He said he feels he was inducted because of the AGT thing. He said he's on a network TV show and it's a number one summer show. Howard read the letter to Robin and they had someone in there by the name of Gary Burbank.
Howard said Robin wrote to him and congratulated him on getting into the ''HOF'' and he had no idea what she was talking about. Howard said he was inducted with Gary Burbank from Cincinnati, Ron Chapman from Dallas, Jack Cooper, Terry Gross of NPR, Art Lebeau in Los Angeles and someone from Tennessee. Howard said that's who he's inducted with. Howard said he's automatically inducted.
Howard said Roger Ebert's wife wrote to him saying that they were very excited about this and if he comes to Chicago they'd like to see him. Howard said if he goes out there he's only going out there to visit Roger and his wife. Howard said he doesn't think he'll be going to the induction ceremony.
Howard said he's pretty sure they don't need him out there. He said they have all of those other people being inducted. Howard said he won't be going to that ceremony.
Robin asked Howard what he thinks about J-Lo and Steven Tyler leaving American Idol. Howard said he thinks that they were fired but they're letting them say they quit. Howard said Steven is going back to Aerosmith and J-Lo is saying she's getting back to whatever it is she does. Howard wondered what it is she does. He said he thinks she's going back to obscurity. Robin said she's going out on tour with Enrique Iglacias. Howard said that should be amazing.
Howard said the drive isn't bad. He said he loves doing the show. He said he's glad they're doing it from there and he's glad they're pumping some money into Newark. Howard said it's something else to see the show being done from that place. Robin said that they do a lot of shows from Connecticut and they never say that. Howard said that they say that they're trying to hide that they're in Newark but that's not true. Howard said that the Jets and Giants say they're from New York and no one complains about that.
The caller asked if he's really going to have Nick out to his house for dinner. Howard said they did talk about it but Nick threw out a date and it was a Wednesday night when they were going to be doing AGT. He said he would be respectful to Mariah too. He said he knows her and he's hung out with her before. Howard said he had to let the caller go and take a break.
Howard said he had a nice vacation. He said it wasn't much of a vacation since he worked on a few days they had off. He said he had to go to Newark and then go back to Manhattan to his apartment. He said he just laid in bed and didn't do anything after the AGT tapings. He went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that was Aerosmith playing. He said they're going to get back to what they do. He said Steven had a hard time criticizing people as a judge. Robin said it has to be tough for a guy who is judged himself. Howard said he has no problem telling people they're bad.
Howard said he has to do something now that's very important to him. He said this is not a paid commercial at all. He said you have to hear this story. He said he uses this deodorant that has aluminum in it. He said they have a new sponsor and they're not paying for this. He said this is from the heart. He said it's called Crystal Rock Deodorant. He said they sent home a 4 pack of their deodorant. Howard said it was 4 samples of their deodorants. Howard said it's 4 different aromas. Howard said he thought it was just another hippy deodorant that wouldn't work. He said he was using Dry Idea himself and he felt that he was doing something bad to him but he didn't want to stink. Howard said he looked at this thing and figured it was more horse shit. He said he was going to throw it out.
Howard said he was on vacation and figured it was a good time to try it. He said he was only around his wife. Howard said he put it on and he loved the smell of it first of all. He said it went on and it was a little sticky. Then he forgot about it and went out and did his thing the whole day. He said the stuff was great. He said he had to put it to the test on a second day so he tried it again and went running. Howard said it was perfect. He said he wants to applaud his new sponsor. He said he's not sure how they did it but he will be using Crystal Rock Deodorant exclusively. He said it's fucking fantastic and this isn't a paid commercial.
Howard said he figured he was going to use Dry Idea when he's on AGT but he tried the Crystal Rock and it was fantastic. Robin said she wants to try it but Howard didn't send her a can. Howard said he wants it all to himself. He said he's not sure where to get it but it's fantastic. Howard said he has tried other Hippy deodorants and they don't work. He said this stuff works.
Howard said whoever developed this stuff should get some kind of prize. He said he has to thank the people who came up with it. Howard said he used to drip and get sticky but not with this stuff.
Howard said he has a full bush under his arms and this stuff works. He said it's fucking awesome. He said it works like regular deodorant. He said this is a free commercial for them and he's not trying to get business.
Robin asked if Howard saw that Dr. Drew was paid to advocate some drug. Howard said that would be funny if Dr. Drew went to jail. Robin said she wasn't telling people that he was a paid spokesperson for this stuff. She said they're looking into it.
Howard asked what Comic-Con has to do with this. Gary said it's more about comic books now. He said they have movies and other stuff in there. Gary said they have TV shows there too. He said they had a Glee panel there. He said they were sold out.
Gary said he went running one morning and the Big Bang Theory had a 7,000 seat hall sold out. He said he went to see the panel for Shameless and it's become a place where you can go to promote anything you want. Howard said that's ruining it then. Howard said that place is filled with guys who can't get out of their basement. He said the nerds are looking down on other nerds.
Gary said he was in the middle of an argument about Spider-Man and it was so ridiculous. He said that someone was saying that they don't have to tell the same story over and over but there was someone else talking about how young kids don't know that story. Howard said they tell that same story every time and he's not sure why they can't just get on with it. Gary said that's the argument that was going on.
Howard said he never had to hear where James Bond came from. He said he would like to hear that story but it wasn't needed in the first James Bond movie. Gary said this is the kind of conversation he could have out at Comic-Con.
Gary said he saw a lot of girls dressed up like the Khaleesi out there. He said some of them were so lazy that they didn't even wear a blonde wig. Gary said there are people who get really crazy and dress up like characters that are really obscure. Howard wondered why anyone would want to do that. Gary said that it's good because people don't know who you are and they have to be really nerdy to figure it out.
Gary said he met this girl who was like a 10 and she was dressed up like a cave woman. Howard asked if the My Little Pony people go to that thing. Gary said he's not sure they'd be welcome. Howard said that doesn't make any sense. Gary said South Park has a video game coming out and they had a huge booth there.
Howard played the interview Gary Garver did with Darth Nihilus. Howard let that play through and then Robin had some news about the character Sandman returning to the comic books.
Howard said that he likes this guy's attitude. He said he wasn't trying to just date her. He wanted to get together and meet her to see if they get along. Howard said he could go places. Howard said he could end up as Governor or something.
Howard read about Cory Booker asking Robin out during the red carpet event at America's Got Talent. Booker was saying that he hopes that he can meet Robin and maybe she can have dinner with him. Robin said she's been to Newark before and she doesn't think that will happen. Howard said he would tell the mayor to pick up the phone and make a call. Howard said he should stop sending messages through articles.
Howard said he was interviewed and he said that he and Cory Booker are different because Cory runs into a burning building and he'd run away from one himself.
Howard said Andy Griffith died while they were on vacation. Howard said he really liked his show when he was growing up. Robin said Andy was like the dad everyone wishes they had. Howard was still on the Jewish thing and talking about how the host got all charged up when he heard the ''Jew me down'' comment. Howard replayed the call after that. He spent a minute with that and then said he had to take another break.
Howard came back and asked who that was singing. Robin and Fred told him it was Ozzy. Howard said someone took Mr. Rogers and remixed ''Garden of your Mind'' with him. He said it's kind of cool actually. He played the clip and the guy had Mr. Rogers singing the song using Autotune.
Howard said that's crazy. Robin said she loves it. Howard let the song play for a little while. He said that's crazy. Robin said it was beautiful. Howard said it sounds better than Benjy when he sings with Elisa Jordana. Robin said that's not saying much.
Howard asked Benjy if he worked out a deal with Ronnie's Block Party. He said he heard the news report where he said he wanted $15,000 to join the block party trip to Jamaica. Benjy said he was asked on the spot and he didn't get that money. He said he's up for it but he's not sure if they'll give him that. Howard said 15 grand is a lot of money. Benjy said that's like 8 months of plugs and it's worth it for them.
Howard asked if Woody Harrelson is there yet. He said he was due there. Will told him that they're signing him in right now.
Howard said Woody has been in a lot of great movies. He said he was in White Men Can't Jump, Natural Born Killers, that Larry Flynt movie... Howard and the guys were coming up with other movies like The Messenger and things like that. Robin said he was in a movie where he wanted to be a super hero and it was great.
Howard had the guys bring him in. Howard asked if he really played full retard in that movie. Woody said it was called ''Defendor.'' Howard asked if it kills him when he does a great role like that and it doesn't do well. Woody said that it can hurt a little but if he thinks he did a good job that's what counts. He said that distribution can or can't be the best and that can keep it from being huge.
Howard asked how you know you're a good actor. Woody said when he was in college he was doing plays and he felt that the feedback he got was saying that he should go to New York. Howard said he admires people who can get up and audition on America's Got Talent. Woody said it can be terrifying. He said he auditioned for Jim Brooks for ''As Good as it Gets'' with Jack Nicholson and it didn't go so well. He said he was trying out for a gay part and he may have gone a little too femme on it.
Howard asked Woody if he ever gets to do movies without auditioning. Woody said he's lucky that he doesn't have to audition so much. He said he had to do it for Jim and he was kind of bummed he didn't get the part. Woody said he's friends with Jim too. He said he felt kind of foolish doing the audition. He said Jack said something kind of funny to him but he can't repeat what he said. Howard asked what happened. Woody said it's just something that you don't want to repeat publicly.
Howard said he'd be intimidated to do an audition with Jack. Woody said he was more intimidating at the time. He said he was very nervous himself. Howard asked if they lit up and smoked some weed. Woody wasn't saying. Howard said he knows that Woody loves weed. Woody said they may have lit up after the audition. He said that it doesn't help much if you do it before. Woody said that Greg Kinnear got the role instead of him.
Woody asked Robin how she's doing and said she looks great even though she wasn't in the studio. He said he heard she's vegan now. Howard asked Woody about him buying a new car so he could hook up his weed vaporizer. Howard asked what that's about. Woody said that sounds like a wild story he heard. Howard said he read that somewhere. Woody said he can't imagine buying a car just so it would be more conducive to smoking herb. He said he actually quit... quit quitting that is.
Howard asked Woody about hanging out with Willie Nelson. Woody said that they have smoked a few together. Howard said he's done after one hit if he smokes. He said he'd love to hang with Woody and smoke weed but he'd have to crawl into a corner. Howard asked if they smoke like 10 a day. Woody said that would be a slow day there. He said they just play games and gamble with each other all day. He said they play chess and stuff like that.
Howard asked Woody what his ranking is as a chess player. Woody said he's a master. Then he said he was just kidding but he has beat some masters. Howard asked what the stakes are for a dominoes game might be. Woody said it might be $100 or so but it can add up a bit. Howard said he read that he's worth $65 million. Woody laughed and asked where he got that number from. Howard said he read it on the internet. Woody said he's much more relieved after hearing that. He said he really doesn't try to think about those things. He said his wife takes care of all of that.
Woody asked Howard if he signed a pre-nup when he got married in 2008. Howard said he did. Woody said he doesn't have one himself. He said he has 3 kids with his wife and he thinks she's the most amazing woman. He said if they got divorced he'd give her more than she wants. Howard asked how cool she really is and if she lets him cheat. Woody asked how Beth is with that. Howard said she won't go for that. Howard asked if Woody is allowed some leeway with the chicks. Woody said he will bring him home and let him talk to the wife about that.
Howard said some guys do have that arrangement. Howard said he read about Mick Jagger and he was fucking Carla Brunei for weeks after his wife gave birth. Howard said he figured that's the way show business worked. Howard said he's doing just fine in his relationship.
Howard asked Woody if he's like that too. Woody said that he's in a play and he wanted to plug that. Howard said Woody is in a play called ''Bullet for Adolf'' and it's a very interesting story. Howard said Woody and this guy wrote the play after working together on a construction job. Woody said the story is about this great summer he and a bunch of other guys had. He said they were just getting money together to try and move to New York to get into acting. Woody said they had one friend named Frank and they kind of lost track of him. He said he eventually hired a P.I. to find the guy. He said that he eventually put the word out on the Jay Leno show. He said Frank's brother was watching and he got word to his brother that he was looking for him and he got back together with the guy. Woody said he wanted to write this play about that summer and he asked Frank to help him write it. He said he and Frank wrote it together and it was a very long process but now they're there in New York City with it. The play is off Broadway on 50th and 8th. He said he's writing and directing it. He said the play starts on Thursday.
Howard asked Woody about his kids and if he's ever smoked with them. Woody said he can't do that. He said that he has to talk to the kids about his use of it and how you can't abuse that stuff. He said that you have to be careful with it. Woody said that he hasn't crossed that bridge except with this oldest.
Howard asked Woody about vaporizing. He asked if there is still smoke. Woody said that he thinks it's a better way to go. He said he doesn't smoke it now. He said Willie is the same now too. Howard said he'd rather eat it or vaporize it like Woody does if he did it himself. Howard said he should bring this message to the schools. Woody said they'd love that.
Howard asked Woody if Cheers was his first big acting job. Woody said it was. He said he had some other jobs he did before that. He said he got this audition for Cheers and it was for a character named Woody from Indiana and he had just gone to college there. Woody said he wanted to go back and do Broadway.
Woody said that his friend told him to go in on this audition that he had tried out for and it was for that part on Cheers. Howard said he'd never tell anyone to go audition for the same part he was going in for.
Woody said he had never even seen Cheers before the audition. He said he watched a few episodes and decided that he should go into it. Howard said he forgot that they lost Coach from the show and the show had been on the air for a few years. Howard said that must have been a great gig on that show. Woody said he had a great time doing that show. He said he didn't have a lot of lines to remember. Howard said he had a hard time remembering his lines in his movie.
Howard asked Woody about doing moves where he has to remember a lot of lines and terminology. Woody said he's very good with that stuff. He said that's something he's been doing since he was a kid. He said he can remember them in an afternoon.
Howard asked if he got a lot of pussy in high school. Woody laughed and said he's doing this play that opens on Thursday...
Howard said that Woody was a big Reagan-ite. He really believed in him. Woody said he did. He said now he's not sure what he was thinking. He said that he's kind of embarrassed by that now that he knows some of the stuff he was doing.
Howard asked Woody about getting out of being religious. Woody said he started to shift from being religious when he was in college and he started to see what the bible was all about.
Howard asked Woody about leaving Cheers and if he would ever go back to TV. Woody said he's going to do an HBO mini series called True Detectives with Matthew McConaughey. He said that will be happening next year. He said it's phenomenal writing. He said it's a drama but he wishes he was doing a comedy with him.
Howard and Woody talked about The Messenger and how much Howard loved it. Woody said that was a great role for him and he just had to do it. Howard said HBO is the place to be these days. Woody said he did that movie ''Game Change'' and that was great too.
Howard asked Woody if it bothers him that he hasn't won any Emmy's or Oscars. Woody thanked him for pointing that out. He said that it would be great to get one. Howard said he heard that Woody's movie ''Rampart'' was sent out to the academy and the screener was defective so no one could see it. Woody said that it hurts and he thinks that the movie is phenomenal. He said that he hated it when he saw one of the rough cuts. Howard said he called it a piece of shit. Woody said it was a lot different from what they had shot. He said they cut a lot out. Woody said the director is a genius though and he thought he made a phenomenal movie. Howard said he hated it at first though. Woody said he did and he felt he hadn't made the right movie. He said he saw it 4 months later and thought it was phenomenal.
Robin asked Woody about Wesley Snipes and why he didn't tell him to pay his taxes. Woody said he thought about taking that route himself and he almost did. He said that he thinks that the government doesn't do very much good with the money we give them. He said that half of every dollar they get goes to war. Woody said he would like the option of not paying taxes to a government he doesn't believe in but he didn't go that route. Woody said he was advised not to do that so he didn't do it. Howard asked if he's going to go visit Wesley in jail. Woody said he's going to see him in about 3 weeks actually. Woody said they got him on 3 misdemeanors and they gave him the max of 3 years in jail. He said he has sent him a letter but hasn't heard back. Howard said he must be depressed about the whole thing.
Howard asked what you say to the guy. Woody said he hasn't thought about that. Howard said he might have to get the full anal cavity search.
Woody got in a plug for his play ''Bullet for Adolf.'' Howard said he had a list of Woody's friends. He had Cameron Diaz on the list and Woody said he's a little friendly with her. Howard said that he's also friends with Paul McCartney. Howard asked how he can get in on that. Woody said he went and stayed with him out in the Hamptons a few weeks ago. Woody said that Paul and his wife Nancy are awesome. Howard said he lives out there and no one calls him. He asked if he's the devil or something. Woody said he'll get Howard's email and contact him next time Paul is in town. He said that Paul will just break into song sometimes. He said he's all about the music all the time. He said Paul is always trying new things and playing new things on his guitar. Howard said he's friendly with Billy Joel but he never plays for him.
Howard said he's not good at hanging out with people like that. He asked Woody what he does when he's at Paul's house. Woody said he is very high maintenance. Howard asked how many days he goes out there for. Woody said it's 2 or 3 nights. Howard asked how they deal with food. Woody said they'll go out for food. Howard asked if he pulls stuff out of Paul's refrigerator. Woody laughed about the way Howard was asking that question. He said he guesses he is comfortable enough to do that.
Robin asked if Paul is around all the time. Howard asked how many hours he's with him. Woody said that he's there all day and Paul taught him how to sail on one of those Sunfish boats. Howard asked if Paul will play his classic songs. Woody said that he played ''Mother Nature's Son'' the other day and that's like his mantra so he loved it. Howard asked who else was there. Woody said there were a few people there. Howard said he would have blown a load if he was there. Woody laughed. Howard said that's good that he didn't' blow a load. Howard said that Ringo probably shows up and Paul turns out the lights.
Howard asked if he can throw out requests. Woody said he just lets Paul do his thing. Howard asked what it was that brought them together. Woody said that he did meet him at a PETA thing years ago. Howard said he's working on becoming a vegan but he's down to eating just fish.
Howard said Woody seems to be in pretty good shape. He asked if he's kicked anyone's ass. Woody said he has kicked some ass and he's had his ass kicked. He said he has been in brawls where he's gotten his ass kicked pretty good. He said it's always stupid shit. He said he doesn't do that anymore though. He said he's a pretty peaceful guy. He said if someone is rude to his family he'll get upset. He said the paparazzi gets to him too. He said he's never been in a fight with them but he has done angry things that cost him money. He said he understands why Alec Baldwin has done what he's done. He said there might be some good ones out there just like there are some good politicians.
Howard asked Woody what he did that he had to pay for. Woody said it's the paying of lawyers that he's had to pay. He said he has had a few incidents but he prefers not to talk about it. Howard asked if he has any martial arts training. Woody said he knows a little Hopkido. Howard didn't know what that was. He said he does ''Hopaway'' when he's close to fighting. Howard said he's all about love.
Howard said that he wants to hang out with Paul and Woody. He said he doesn't want to go out on a boat though. He said he doesn't get boats and sailing and stuff. Howard said it sounds like a wild time though. Woody said he had a good time sailing with him.
Howard gave Woody another plug for his ''Bullet for Adolf'' play and said it sounds like a good one. Howard said that the musicals are so boring and this play sounds good to him. Howard said that the play begins this Thursday.
Woody told Howard that one of the women in the play is there with him. Howard asked if she's hot. Woody said she is. Howard had the guys bring her in. Howard spent a short time talking to her. Howard asked if Woody is a good director. She said he is. She said everyone is falling in love with him. Howard asked if she's smoked weed with Woody. She said he doesn't do that there. She said he doesn't push his personal agendas. Howard congratulated her on getting the part. Woody said she's phenomenal. Howard asked if she's ever worked naked. She said she hasn't. Howard said if Woody says she's great then she must be. He said Woody knows great. He worked with Courtney Love who got an Oscar nomination. Woody said that he hasn't spoken to her in over a year now.
Howard asked if this woman has her lines remembered. She said she does. She said she learned them in a couple of days. Howard said that's amazing. He said he could never do that.
Howard asked Woody if he likes being famous. Woody said he doesn't have the kind of fame where he has paparazzi outside his house. Howard said he would welcome that. He said they don't take that many. Woody said they can get kind of invasive. Robin asked if living in Hawaii impedes the acting thing at all. Woody said it doesn't at all. He said that he thinks it's great to live away from Los Angeles.
Howard gave Woody another plug for the play and asked what the actresses name was. She said it's Marcia Stephanie Blake. Howard said it looks like she's braless. She said she's not though. Howard said you can get tickets for the play at BulletForAdolf.com. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that was Adam Levine's new song. That's a big one for them too. Howard said he had Alec Baldwin on the phone. He said he hasn't spoken to him in a long time. Howard wondered why he wasn't at his wedding. Alec was on the line and said that it was a low key wedding. He said Howard may have been too much of a distraction.
Howard said he never thought Alec would get married again. Alec asked why that is. Howard said he had been on the show many times and he thought he was bitter about marriage. Howard said he felt that he had kind of had it with Kim Bassinger. Howard said after a while you forget the pain. Robin said that was more about custody than it was about marriage. Alec said he's just going to sit back and listen to Howard and Robin talk about this.
Howard said Kim Bassinger was a piece of ass and if you can't get along with her then it's got to be a disaster. Howard said he was worried about Alec when he heard he was getting married again. Alec said that's a very active word. Howard said his new wife is gorgeous. Her name is Hilaria. Howard didn't get the pronunciation down. Robin and Alec had to correct him.
Howard said that Alec's daughter is gorgeous. He said that she looks like Kim Bassinger. Alec said he thinks that she's going to end up being an actress. He said that kids see their parents doing it and they see how fun it can be. Howard asked how old she is. Alec said she's 16 and she's still in school. He said he won't rule out her doing acting or modeling. He said she's a funny kid too.
Howard said what he's worried about with the new marriage is... Alec told him to hold on so he can get a pen. Howard said the wife owns Yoga studios. Alec said she manages them but she's kind of stepped down from that. He said that she was working very hard doing that. He said that she was working 6 days a week and he told her to take some time off. Alec said she's teaching a couple days a week now. He said they're going to take some time off since they both have to go back to work after this summer.
Howard asked Alec if he signed a pre-nup. Alec said ''no comment.'' Howard and Robin took that as a yes. Alec said it could be a no. Howard said he's not wishing him bad luck. Alec said that they speak so infrequently and whenever he needs to reach that New York Post reading group he just calls Howard. Howard said the NY Post attacked him the other day. He said he really doesn't think that he's like them. He said he's like 5 steps below the NY Post.
Howard said that Alec is a wealthy man and he knows marriage can fail. Alec said that when you get to that place most people don't face that situation. He said they don't talk about that elephant on the table. He said he has found that you can have a pre-nup and spend just as much on legal fees when the other side is trying to shred the pre-nup. He said they make this stuff up as they go along in court. Alec said judges can rule whatever they want to based on if they like you or your attorney. Howard said he's right. He said he's 100 percent correct.
Howard said Alec is making sense. He said in his own life he has a contract and the judge saw it a different way and dismissed his case.
Alec said he went to court with a case and he didn't get all of the rulings in his favor but he did get some rulings in his favor and he hasn't seen any outcome from it. Howard said he wishes that he could trust the system but he really can't.
Alec was speaking very rationally and Howard said he always gets the rational Alec when he talks to him. He said Alec seemed to be getting out of hand there for a while and he was worried about him. Alec explained to Howard what was going on with the paparazzi out there when he went to get his marriage license. Alec said he cant get into too much detail because he has to take the case to the D.A. Alec said if you're in front of a courthouse in Manhattan and you slug someone, you're going to get arrested. He said that the cops don't care who you are. He said they can't look the other way with that. Alec said he wasn't arrested because he never punched the guy. He said the guy lied and claimed he was punched. He said they didn't arrest him and they had no proof. He said that guy has shoved a camera in his face and tried to get him to punch him. He said this guy is known for taunting and baiting people.
Howard said that Alec was kicked off a flight for playing some game. Alec said he was kicked off for asking what the flight attendant's name was. Alec said he was at the gate and the flight was 40 minutes late on their time. He said everyone had their phone on and he was the one who got screamed at. He said she did it twice.
Howard asked why he doesn't fly private. Alec said he wanted to try and live a normal life like everyone else. Howard said he can't though. Alec said that he has paparazzi following him and trying to get pictures of his wife. He said one guy was walking backwards trying to get a shot of his wife and he fell into a stroller with a baby in it. That was one of Alec's neighbors.
Howard said he doesn't try to hide when he goes out. He said he just lets people photograph him. Howard asked why he wasn't invited to his wedding. Alec said he had Woody Allen there. Howard asked why he was there and not him. Alec said he's doing a Woody Allen movie. Howard said what he's trying to understand is why Alec quits twitter when he gets angry. Alec said his Twitter is all about his charity. He said that he's donating every penny from his Capital One commercials to charity. Alec said those guys have been very good to him and they made a good deal with him and he's giving it all away to charity. Howard said he's a good guy. He said Alec doesn't need to do those commercials and he thought that when he saw them. Alec said he didn't need to do it. Howard asked what he's getting paid for that. Alec said that's not important. Alec said that Capital One has been fantastic and they're donating a good amount of money to charity.
Howard said that Alec had advice for Charlie Sheen when he was going through his problems. Alec said that Charlie didn't realize that they could get rid of him at any time. He said that Charlie was working for Chuck Lorre and he could fire him at any time and Charlie didn't realize that.
Howard asked Alec about how long he's been dating this woman. Alec said that Howard and Robin have no hope at all. Howard said Alec's wife is beautiful. He asked if the sex is good. Alec said he knew he was going to go there. He told Howard to take the book 50 Shades of Grey and multiply that times ten. Alec said that they've been together for a year and a half. Howard asked how often they have sex. Alec said that he can't talk about how much he's having sex. Howard asked if it's 5 times a week. Alec made it sound like it might be more like 5 times a day.
Howard said he got married because he is in love with Beth and he wanted to prove that she really matters to him. Alec said when they find someone stupid enough to marry them they'll do it. Howard asked if he's sick of doing the Tina Fey show. Alec said they're doing 13 more episodes and they're done. He said they're doing a final season and that's it. They shoot august through December and that's it. He said when that's done he's going to come on Howard's show because he thinks that he needs a sidekick that can stand up to him. He said no offense to Robin of course.
Howard asked Alec if all of his brothers were there at the wedding. Alec said Daniel was overseas so he wasn't able to make it. Alec said that he wants to come in and do the show in the studio.
Howard asked if Billy was at the wedding. Alec said that Stephen and Billy where there. He said his wife's family was there too.
Howard asked Alec if he became a vegetarian. Alec said he was pesketarian for years but now he is vegetarian. He said that his wife is very health oriented. Howard said he'll know that Alec is miserable if he blows up again. Alec said he lost 35 pounds after giving up sugar.
Alec said he really has to get going because he has a spin class to get to. Howard said he can't believe he's in a spin class. Alec said Howard doesn't have to work out because he's so thin. Howard said he's not thin, he's actually over weight. Howard said he has a hard time keeping the weight off. Howard asked if he wears the special spin pants with the padding. Alec laughed and said that's a fabulous note to end on. Alec said he'll come see him in September and he'll do a 3 hour show with him. Howard said he wants to know why he wants to gut Harvey Levin. Alec said that shouldn't need to be explained. Howard said he likes Harvey and he doesn't get the anger. He said the guy makes his living reporting on celebrities. Alec said there's nothing left to say about him.
Alec got in some plugs for the new Woody Allen movie ''To Rome with Love.'' Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said he has to get through to that guy. He said he has an anger issue and he has to talk to him. Howard said if a flight attendant comes and asks him to turn his phone off, he turns his phone off. Howard said he has to get him in there in September and talk sense to him. Robin said these aren't the only reports about him yelling at people on the street and stuff. She said he usually has an explanation that makes sense. Robin said that the Harvey Levin thing may have had to do with the taping that Alec's daughter did on the phone.
Howard said Alec is a brilliant actor. He said he was great in Miami Blue and a few other movies. Howard said he liked him in The Shadow. He said he likes the guy. He likes Stephen too. Robin said Alec is great in 30 Rock too. Howard said he just doesn't want to see him in jail. He said he doesn't want him to kill anyone. Howard said if he has an hour in the studio with Alec he'll figure it all out and get down to it with him.
Howard said he had a few other things he wanted to get to today. He mentioned Andy Griffith's death again. He said they already talked about that. He said he really should take a break though. He said they'll get to more of that after the break.
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston who said there's a strain of weed named after Woody. He said it's called The Woody. Mark also brought up the AGT Wrap Up Show that they do with Jason and High Pitch Mike. He said that Mike's voice just isn't made for radio. Howard said he thought about it and he knows Mike is very into the show and he's very knowledgeable about the show. He said he has very definite opinion about the show too. Mark said does too. Robin said Eric is no articulate.
Mark said Mike's voice is hard to take. Howard asked if he wants them to put his voice through something to alter it. Mark said that might work. Howard said he could pretend that Mike is a girl. Mark said that won't work for him.
Mark said Howard wanted to buy the Radio Hall of Fame and then burn it down and piss on it. Howard said he didn't do that but he won't be attending the induction ceremony.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what he thinks about something that was in the news about Bruce Springsteen. Howard said Bruce did a show in England and Paul McCartney showed up and did a Beatles song. They went over their time and someone from the venue cut their mics. Howard said that they do have rules about cutting off at a certain time because there are people who live in the area who are trying to sleep. Howard said they give them until say, 11 pm. Howard said it might be that or there are union employees who don't work past a certain hour. Howard said if you have Paul McCartney there then you cut out a few songs and get him up there. Robin said they were already a half hour late when Paul came on.
Howard said Bruce knows the limitations of the show. Howard said his guess is that Bruce knew what he was doing and that this was planned to create news. He said that Bruce knows that this rule is in effect and this has to be a publicity stunt. Robin said that the fans expect Bruce to play for 3 hours. Howard said the guy is a professional and he knows what he was doing.
Gary said that he doesn't think this was a stunt. Howard said he thinks it was. Gary asked why it's never happened before. Howard said it makes news all over the world. He said he has lived a long time and he knows that this stuff is fake. He said he saw the record sales for this album and he knows this is a way of getting publicity for Bruce Springsteen.
Howard said Bruce is one bad album from being an American Idol judge. Howard said Bruce doesn't have a place to promote his albums now. He said he has to go on Jimmy Fallon and create publicity with Paul McCartney.
Howard said it's not even so calculated. Howard said they may have just done it knowing that they'd get some publicity.
The caller asked Howard if he had any money he can win. Howard said he doesn't have any. The guy said he had to get some money to go to Russia to visit his girlfriend. Howard said he wouldn't give him the money even if he did have it now that he's heard that. The guy said he hasn't even met this girl yet. Howard said it's better for the relationship if he doesn't meet the girl. Howard said he has to go. The caller asked to please give him a chance. Howard hung up on him.
Howard said these chicks in Russia are looking for dudes with money. He said he would have played a game if he had any money but he doesn't have any.
Robin read about how there have been several deadly shark attacks in Australia in the past year. Robin said a 24 year old surfer was bitten in half on Saturday. Robin said it's just the latest attack. Robin said they say there are not more sharks, there are just more people in the water.
Robin read about how Bree Olsen put out a song and she says that Charlie Sheen was the inspiration for some of the lyrics in the song. Robin had some of the song that she had Howard play. Howard played some of the song and Robin said ''Oh my!'' when she heard it. Howard said he can't take it after playing about 5 seconds of it. Howard replayed the song to hear the way she said ''douches'' in the song. Howard said he's not sure what she's thinking. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about the Penn State sex scandal study that was done. Robin said the results came out while they were away. Robin read some of the details of that report and what they found in the investigation. Robin had some details about what some people are saying should be done about this whole scandal. Robin said that Bob Costas commented on it so she had some audio of him talking about what he thinks they should do. Howard read an article about what some people think should be done about the Paterno statue that stands at Penn State too. The person in the letter wrote that maybe painting it yellow is what they should do. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about an Air Force guy who is in trouble for allegedly sexually harassing some recruits. Robin said they say that more women join the Air Force than any other arm of the military.
Robin read about this guy who at the face off the guy in Miami. Robin said they thought he was on some crazy drugs but they found that he was only on pot. Robin said they're now saying that he may have known his victim. Robin said that the two may have met before. She said they thought he may have been high on bath salts but they only found traces of pot in his body. Robin said they may never know since the guy is dead.
Robin read about Hillary Clinton traveling around the world trying to make things better for people. Robin said that her motorcade was pelted with tomatoes in Egypt and people were chanting Monica Lewinsky's name was she drove by.
Robin read about Carrie Kennedy being arrested for DWI over the weekend. Robin said that she's another one of Robert Kennedy's kids and she ran into a truck and then she drove off and left the highway. Robin said that the family says that she wasn't drunk. Robin said they think she may have had a seizure or took Ambien and didn't even know she was driving. Howard said he's taken Ambien and he knows when he's taking one. He said he's so responsible. Robin said people are on too many medications. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Mary Richardson Kennedy. That led to Howard doing his Kennedy impression and talking about the bad driving of the Kennedy family. Robin said that Mary's body was exhumed and re-buried at the request of her husband. Howard did his Kennedy impression saying that Jason Kidd is an honorary member of the Kennedy family after what happened to him this past weekend. Robin said she'll get to that story soon. She read about how Mary was moved and she's not near anyone now. Howard was still doing his Kennedy impression and talking about how he had a case of Chivas buried with him. He wishes he had a straw at his grave so he could drink Chivas eternally.
Robin said she has a story about how Evander Holyfield is in financial trouble. Robin said that they say he owes nearly $500,000 in child support payments. That's spread across 11 children. Robin said he's not the only one who has this kind of problem. Robin said they say that 3/4 of former NFL players are bankrupt 2 years after they retire. Robin said they live paycheck to paycheck and have children where they don't belong. Robin said they say that Evander may have made $250 million in his career. Howard said you can't just spend it all. He said you have to save some.
Robin said that Sylvester Stallone's son, Sage, died over the weekend. Robin said that they say that the death was a shock to everyone. They did an autopsy yesterday but they don't expect results for 10 weeks. Howard did his Ted Kennedy impression again and said that $250 million would buy a lot of Chivas. Howard said they could have it lined up from here to Australia. Robin asked why all of the Kennedy's are so depressed and drinking. Ted said it was their father. He talked about their father bringing whores to the table and they never learned to love properly. He was going on and on about the Kennedy family and what the father did to screw them all up. Robin said she had to move along with her news. She said he's welcome to stay though. Ted said he had to get going anyway so he signed off.
Robin said they say that Sage Stallone was dead for days before he was found by his housekeeper. Howard said he feels awful for Sylvester.
Robin had some audio of the mother of a congressman explaining that her son won't be able to show up to work because he's ill.
Robin said that Stan Lee has his own YouTube channel and he just introduced that over the weekend. Howard said the guy is like 90 years old. Robin said he's trying to capitalize on the work he's done. Robin had some audio of Stan talking about how you have to keep in touch with the fans digitally because everyone is on the web. Robin said he's 89 years old and he will be developing and introducing new characters on that channel. Howard said he worked with Stan years ago and they were talking about doing something together. Howard said he's his hero. Howard wondered what characters are left to come up with. He said he could come up with Titanium Man or Diamond Man or maybe Butterfly Man. Howard said maybe Man Fly could be one. Howard said maybe The Human Maggot could be one. Howard said he got bit by a radioactive maggot. Howard said he's signed Alec Baldwin to play him in the movie.
Robin read about how Anthony Weiner may urn for Mayor of New York. Howard said maybe he'll win. Who knows. Robin said that they say that he may want to return to politics but right now he's a house husband.
Robin read about a woman who is suing Justin Bieber for $9 million because she claims she lost her hearing because of screams at a concert. Robin said this woman claims both of her ears were damaged by the screaming. Howard said he doesn't think she'll win that case because when you go to a concert people tend to scream. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:20am.
Jon brought up the Brony-con interviews and Benjy was saying that the My Little Pony characters are drawn in a sexual way. Gary said they're drawn in a feminine way but not a sensual way. Jon said he never saw it that way. He said that Wolfie goes to a lot of conventions and this seemed kind of off putting.
Gary said that Wolfie told him that he was kind of rattled by that event. He said there seems to be a lot of guys there who never grew up. Jon said Robin said it was very sad that these people never grow up.
Jon said that Howard brought up that whole thing Gary is doing with Nerdist and how he was out at Comic-Con. Gary said that he never expected Howard to say ''Hey, good for you'' when that came up. He said that he could point out that Robin has no business writing a cook book too. He said he won't do that though. Gary said he's no expert but he'll play with a gadget and review it.
Jon asked Gary what he thought of his first ''con.'' Gary said he's not buying into that. He said it's Comic-Con and he's not going to say ''con.'' He said he was there with Steve Brandano for a short time and it was much more fun with him there. Steve said it was great hanging with Gary. He said he was overwhelmed the first day they were there.
Gary said they do this bowling show with Nerdist and he kept calling the cast of Dr. Who ''Dr. Woo.'' He said Steve had to correct him on that. They had to go to break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he liked Woody Harrelson on the show and he's always good. He said he's a big fan of his movies too. The caller said he went into his kid's room the other day and he was watching My Little Pony. He said his son is 15 years old too. Benjy asked if he'd be more comfortable with that or with him being gay. The caller said he'd prefer him to be a ''clopper.''
Steve said there is a new version of My Little Pony that's Anime and it's for boys. He said he knows it's still weird but it's not ponies doing their hair. He said they have a dragon in it. Gary said someone must have figured out there's a Brony world out there and that's why they created that.
Benjy said if you look up pictures of the My Little Pony pictures you'll see that they put in feminine features. Jon wanted to get off of that subject and get back to Woody.
Gary and Jon talked about Woody and his movies and the things they were discussing today in the interview. They also brought up Wesley Snipes not paying his taxes and how Woody almost did that too.
Jon asked Gary what he thinks Howard is thinking about Woody hanging with Paul McCartney. Gary said he must be jealous.
Jon took a call from Mark in Boston who said that Jon is going to get really heavy from his TV show. Mark said he thinks that Howard got a lot out of that interview today and he's wondering if Woody was high today. Gary said he doesn't think he was. Mark said that he called in that one time and he was high that time. Gary said it was also 1 in the morning where Woody was and he was probably up all night.
Benjy wondered how Woody gets his pot in New York. Gary said it's not that hard to find. He said he doesn't think it's that big of a deal. He said they had that guy the Pope of Pot who would come on and give out a number to help people find pot. He said he could find it within an hour.
Jon asked Gary if he is prepared for Wednesday after Howard works the night before on AGT. Gary said he thinks that it's going to be the second, third and fourth weeks that will be rough.
Benjy said that Howard was saying that Don (Buchwald) told him he could leave radio if he wants to. He said it should be interesting to see how it works out. Jon had to go to break after that.
Jon asked Gary about the phone system going down this morning. Gary said this was the computer glitch this time and last time it was the phone lines. He said they tested it while they were away but it only seems to go down when they're there. Gary said he has to have a big meeting about this after the show today.
Jon asked Gary about Alec Baldwin calling today and if he thinks that he's been pretty rational lately. Gary said he likes Alec and he's never been on the end of one of his tirades. He said that Alec did have an explanation for why the other people were the people who were wrong in each situation. Gary said he has a clip that Howard has on his computer that has been on there for like 2 years now. He said Alec called in years ago and he was talking about the first time he came in to visit. He said Alec didn't know that he was on TV at the time. He said Alec was talking about it in some special they ran there and he ended up flipping through the channels and seeing himself sitting there like an asshole in the studio with Howard. He said he had no idea that he was being filmed in there.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Gary about getting kicked off a flight. Gary said he'd tell this quickly. He said he was on the plane and sitting there for an hour. He said that the flight attendant came on and said that they needed 4 volunteers to get off the flight because they were overweight. Gary said they called four names and his wasn't mentioned. Then a few minutes later they called out his name. Gary said he gave them a hard time about it but they insisted that he leave. He said that he was told that a lot of airlines carry a lot of cargo and that's more important than the passengers. Gary said he flipped out about the whole thing. Gary said the woman had no idea who he was or anything. Gary said they claimed they took it by the last people who checked in but he checked in an hour and a half earlier.
Gary said he was at Fan Fest the next day and he saw him get kicked off the flight. He said he told him it was the most fucked up thing he had ever seen.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they think Howard will sign on for a second season of AGT. Gary said the next couple of weeks should fill them in on that. Jon said he thinks Howard is enjoying it and he'll do it again. Gary said he wishes that he could enjoy it more than he does. Jon said he thinks he'll get more and more out of it as time goes along. Benjy said he thinks that Howard will also announce that he's having a baby next year too. Gary said if that's the case then Howard will definitely sign on for a second season. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11.
Howard started the show talking about how he's dreading today since it's going to be a long day for him. He said he's been up since 2 in the morning and he has to stay up late for America's Got Talent. Howard said he has a big night. He said they have a good lineup for tonight's show though. He said he does tons of prep for the show unlike Howie Mandel. He said Howie tells him there is no prep but he does a lot himself. Howard said he has the 12 contestants tonight and then he has to talk about the next 12 in a pre-interview.
Howard said he was reading an article by David Hinckley where he talks about how hard it is to be a judge on TV these days. He said David says he's still on a learning curve but he was waiting for him to day he's a great judge. He said he didn't say anything negative though so that's good. Howard said you can't just tell people they blow when you judge. You have to tell them why.
Howard said tonight they have 12 acts and he has friends coming and he has to give back stage tours and stuff. Howard said they're bringing their kids too. Howard said he doesn't have a lot of free time back stage though. He said he is kind of dreading the day.
Howard said they said he might have to be there by 3 in the afternoon. Robin said pretty soon they'll have him there right after the show. Howard said he has to get a nap back in his office today. He said he doesn't know if that will happen. He said the days he needs sleep he just can't do it. He gets too revved up.
Howard asked if Benjy even submitted one funny idea over the vacation. Gary said when they said Benjy isn't there and it's their second day back someone in the back said he wasn't there one day during vacation. Howard said Benjy really doesn't submit that much to the show. He said he's good for about 10 lines per show.
Howard told Gary to tell Benjy to go home if he shows up. He said the only excuse he'll accept is if he's dead. Howard said he's working on that awful music he does and he's not contributing to the show. Howard said he has to talk to people there about what they do for the show. Robin said they have to replace the person before they fire someone. Howard said they have to hold on to Benjy before they can fire him. Howard said they have to make sure they have the money for him. Howard said he can't hire back Artie because they don't have money for him.
Howard said he's really had it around there. He said it's impossible to do business. He said it's crazy around there. Howard said what they're hearing on the air is the easy part. He said it's dealing with the business part that sucks. Howard said they lie to him there. Howard said he likes his AGT gig but all of his time is taken up.
Howard said JD works hard there. He said he doesn't care if he's a mush mouth. He said Jason and Will work hard too. He said he's wise to what's going on there. Robin asked about Sal and Richard. Howard said he's not sure how hard they work. Howard said he's just busting balls. He said there are a few dead beats around there. Howard said they think they're slick but they're not.
Howard said Sal and Richard called back to Tradio based on that call. Howard played that one and in the call they tell the host they have an air conditioner for sale and Sal threw in a ''Jew me down'' and ''nigger rigged'' for his A/C unit. Howard said the host never loses his radio voice. He didn't even call the caller out on the comments he just made. Howard asked ''what the hell?'' Richard called in and told the host he heard that line about rigging it and the host said he didn't want to repeat that. He asked callers not to say anymore racial slurs when they call in. Howard said it would be nice if the host listened to what people were saying and have some kind of reaction to that.
Howard said some people wrote in to them about the America's Got Talent wrap up show that Jason and High Pitch Mike are doing. Howard said someone complained about Mike's voice on the show. Howard said he thinks Mike has good content and he's a good host. Howard said the caller objects to the sound of Mike's voice. Howard played some audio from the show where Mike was talking to Jason about AGT. Robin said that sounds like the funniest shows she's ever heard.
Howard said Sal and Richard tried to run Mike's voice through a machine to change the sound. Howard played an example of what they did with his voice. They changed it to a deeper voice but it was still pretty annoying. Robin said she doesn't think there's anything they can do to ruin the show. She said that's great. Howard played more of the edited audio with Mike's deeper voice. Howard said that's the new High Pitch Mike. He said all they have to do is run it through the machine.
Howard asked Benjy why he's late. Benjy said he got up early and he reset his alarm. Benjy said he took a sleeping pill last night and he probably shouldn't have. Howard said he should stop with that shitty music he's doing with his girlfriend.
Howard asked if Wolfie writes jokes. Gary said he's not sure about that. Howard said he'll try Shuli for a week and then try Wolfie. Howard said he has to find a replacement for Benjy.
Howard asked Benjy what he took. Benjy said he took an over the counter thing. Howard asked what it was and Benjy wasn't saying exactly what it was. Howard asked when he took it. Benjy said it was around Midnight. Benjy said he was exhausted. Howard asked why. He said he comes in for four hours a day. Benjy didn't have a response.
Howard said Benjy didn't write anything during vacation. He said he never sees him working with Richard and Sal or doing anything extra. Howard said he's blowing it. Fred was playing a lullaby in the background.
Howard said Benjy hasn't contributed an idea since June. He said he just checked Lotus Notes. Howard said Benjy is on permanent leave. He said he does his four hours and he's out of there. Howard said he's on 4 hour duty.
Robin said this isn't a horrible job. That's the kind of job people show up late to. Howard said he doesn't want to hear any new songs from Benjy while he can't contribute to the show. Howard asked how his marathon training is going. Benjy said it's fine. Howard said he has tons of free time. He works 12 hours a week and has nothing else to do. Howard said he was a half hour late today.
Howard said no one else is ever late. Howard said Fred is never late. Gary has been late just a couple of times. Robin said Benjy lives right around the corner.
Howard said it drives him crazy when this kind of thing happens. He said he's blowing a good thing. Howard told Gary to have Shuli sit in on Monday as a writer. Howard said the following week they can have Wolfie sit in if he's a writer. Gary said he'll look into that.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she thinks that Shuli is the man who should be sitting there. She said he's great. Howard said he heard Shuli on the news and he's insanely talented. The caller said she's sick of Benjy. Howard said all he has to do is write a few lines 3 days a week. The caller said you want to beat your head against the wall listening to him.
Howard asked if Shuli takes sleeping pills. The caller said you'd think that Benjy's boring ass life would put him to sleep. Benjy asked who is sleeping beside her. She said she has 2 dogs. Benjy said that's all she'll ever have. Howard told Benjy when he loses his job he won't have anyone sleeping next to him either. Howard said he bets within a year that she'll be gone. Benjy wanted to bet Howard a million bucks. Robin told him to leave now and find out. Benjy said he's good at saving.
Howard said it's good that Benjy is angry because he's getting through to him. The caller asked Benjy how he showed up late. Howard said he's never late himself and he takes sleeping pills. Howard said Benjy has no responsibility at all.
The caller said that maybe Benjy should have an ISDN line like Robin does. Howard said Robin has never been late. Howard said he turns on that microphone and she's there. Robin said no one had to call her out when she was late. Howard said he's been with Robin for 30 some years. Howard said she's always there. He doesn't have to worry. The caller said she's an angel.
Robin said this is a great job. She said Benjy has never had a bad job. Howard said that's right, he was an intern. Howard said he's sure that someone will grab Benjy and hire him. He said he should get ready for the wake up.
Howard said the person from ''Getting Things Done'' told him that firing someone like that is actually doing them a favor. Howard said that it helps the person to fire them because they'll figure out what they were doing wrong. He said they'll appreciate what they have after he fires them.
Howard said he has a call time at 5:40 tonight but he's going to be there at 4. He said he doesn't want to be late. Howard said Benjy has such a cush thing going on and he has no idea what it's really like to work at a radio station. He said he gets paid nothing and has to work all day writing jokes and bits. Howard said the boss will tell him what a shit he is. He said he really has to get out and work at another station and he'll see how he blew it.
Benjy told Howard he did work at B-103 in Pennsylvania. He said he had an air shift but Howard wasn't sure if he was making that up or not. Benjy said he worked at another station doing sales too.
In the clip the reporter was talking about Howard Stern being inducted with this guy Luther Massengil who has been there for 70 years. Howard said you don't win a Tony for doing dinner theater for 70 years. Howard said this guy was broadcasting during Pearl Harbor. Howard said his dad turned 89 on July 11th. He said this guy must be older than his dad.
Howard said Beth's birthday was July 15th. He said she hit the big 40. He said he's not sure how that happened. He said she wanted low key and no party. Robin said she doesn't blame her. Howard said she looks great though. Robin said she looks fantastic. Howard said he was robbing the cradle and he's not sure how she got to 40. Howard said it's like all of a sudden they're age appropriate.
Robin said that 26 isn't that far from 40. That's what she's learned. Howard said they had a low key birthday weekend. Howard said he took her out to dinner and she didn't want anyone coming over. Howard said he was planning something but she caught wind and put a stop to that. Howard said she's like that every year. He said she doesn't want a birthday party.
Howard said Maria employs the boyfriend so he can't really do anything about it. Howard said if his wife was on Dancing with the Stars and she was out doing that he'd be livid. Howard said he's all for having a life of your own but this kind of thing just isn't right. Howard said Maria is just about naked and this guy is paddling her ass. Howard said he's all for having their own life but that's crazy.
Howard said it just looks way too cozy. Howard said that now he sees the boyfriend. He said he's on the side doing laundry on the rocks. He said in another picture he's serving them drinks. Howard said he would love to get Maria and her boyfriend in the studio. Howard said in another picture he sees the boyfriend picking up rubbers for Derek Hough.
Howard got back to Benjy and said that he's going to do him a favor by getting rid of him. He said he'll get out there and get some work that he'll appreciate. Howard said he's doing him a favor. He told him not to get mad at him. He said his work habits are really sloppy but he likes him personally. Benjy said he likes Howard personally and professionally.
Howard said maybe he'll take a sleeping pill this afternoon and miss AGT. He said that way they'll only have 2 judges.
Howard said he's such a great judge. He said he can't take it. Robin said David Hinckley should see how good Howard is and write about that. Howard said Simon knows how good he is too. He said Simon isn't a douche.
Howard said the woman from Getting Things Done has said to him that she can't believe what a pushover he is and how he hasn't fired anyone. Howard said he really does have to fire some people.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said he got a new phone so he should be able to hear him. Howard said it's not that great. King said he thinks that Maria is like one of those women who do that cuckold thing with her boyfriend. Howard told King that his new phone is for shit and hung up on him. The phone was feeding back so Howard couldn't take it.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he's been listening for a long time and he knows that he's not going to fire Benjy. He said he can make all the empty threats but it's not going to work. He said it's all bullshit. He told Benjy he's a fucking douche bag. He said he works on the greatest show on earth and Howard has put up with him too long. Howard thanked him for the call.
Howard said he'll get Shuli in there and see if he can handle it. He said he's forcing him to do this. He said he warned him about it and he's forcing him to make this decision.
Howard said that people were telling him to die in a fire and others were talking about beating him into a coma and stuff like that. Howard said Marshall was really getting beat up over a bad review. Howard said Marshall was saying the story wasn't intriguing. Howard said they should get someone like the guy who created Breaking Bad to write a Batman movie. He said that show is great.
Howard said he got some new songs about Robin. He played a new one from Eli Braden about her showing her tits. Robin said that was stupid. Howard said they got one that was to the tune of True Blood. Howard and Robin spent a minute talking about how bad the season started out. Howard played the song that was to the tune of True Blood's theme song. It was Richard singing about how ''Coffee goes in and poop comes out...''
Howard said he doesn't like the opening of True Blood. He said he doesn't care about the song. Robin said it should be in front of a better show. Howard said he still watches every week even though it's not that great.
Howard said they have this guy Jonah Falcon on the show and he's known for having a huge penis. Howard said that Jonah was in when George Takei was there once. Howard said Jonah went to the airport and security thought he was carrying a gun. He said that they frisked him and they did some metal detector work and sprayed some kind of powder on him.
Howard said Jonah is now saying that he'll have to strap it down better from now on. Howard said Jonah was in the news because of that. He said it was a breaking story. Robin asked Howard if he can imagine being stopped for his cock. Howard said he can't. He said he was once stopped for smuggling in a button.
Howard and Fred had some fun with some George Takei audio clips and then Howard saw Jonah's penis on the monitor in the studio. Howard said that thing is huge. Howard said when he goes through security at the airport they're very respectful and say ''right this way ma'am.'' Howard had to go to break and said they have Beetlejuice and Medicated Pete coming in. Pete has a toupee now. Howard said Beet is in a new movie. He said he saw that he's in ''Girls Gone Dead'' and Sal is in the movie with Beetlejuice. Howard said he's glad Sal got his teeth done. Howard said Ron Jeremy is in the movie too. They went to break after that.
Howard came back singing along to the Queen song. Howard said this was a new version of the song between Queen and Howard Stern. Fred threw in some Beetlejuice clips too.
Howard said Lisa G had some headlines but he has to get to Beetlejuice. He asked her to come in and do something quickly. Howard asked if she's coming to AGT. Lisa said that Howard looks amazing on AGT. She said the lighting is really good. Robin said she thought the same thing. Howard said he got an email from Robin about how good he looks. Howard said she told him that he looks gorgeous. Lisa said she thought Howard looked great on TV. She said he looks different in the theater when she's there.
Howard said he has all of his camera angles worked out with them over there. He said he told them where to put the cameras. He said he saw himself on camera one night and he told them that it didn't look quite right. It turned out they had to lower his camera for one of the acts. Howard said they told him that they wanted to move the camera over and he told them that shit won't fly so they kept the camera where he wanted it.
Howard said if he shifts that camera 3 inches he's like Frankenstein sitting there. Howard said he needs the right angles. Lisa asked if he wants to walk around with that lighting all day. Howard said no because he's not a chick.
Howard asked Lisa to get to her headlines. Lisa said they have some highlights from AGT. She said she spoke to Will.I.Am and he told her about how great Howard is as a judge. Howard said he went back stage and he saw a dude standing there. He said Will didn't have that plastic helmet on. Howard said he likes that guy. He said he donates most of his money to building inner city schools. Howard said the guy is a fucking maniac. He said he spoke to him back stage about that stuff.
Howard said he asked how Fergie is doing and tried finding out if he tagged her. He said there were kids around so he didn't get too graphic. Howard said Will was walking around with a chick and she was even hotter than Fergie. He said she had some kind of wig on. Howard said she wasn't all that friendly though. He said he didn't get the sense that he was banging that one either. He said he's not sure what's going on there. He said he must get his penis sucked every 5 minutes being Will.I.Am.
Lisa said she liked his outfit because it was all white and Howard was all black. Howard said he and Will had a good conversation. He said maybe he'll come in there and sing one of his songs.
Lisa said they have a story about Bobo dying his wig for the big AGT event. Howard said Bobo looks awful. He said the hair looks like two different hairs. He said that it's one color but it's a fake looking color. Howard said he's never had to dye his hair and Toni told him that women can dye it and highlight it but men don't do that so it looks weird. He said Bobo looks like he rubbed black shoe polish on his head. Howard said there's a clear marking where his real hair begins and where the toupee ends. He said it's all awful. He said Bobo looks horrible. The guys showed a shot of him on the monitor. Robin said the hair on the sides is thin and then he has a lot of hair on the top. Howard said he has shitty hair on the sides and a mullet in the back.
Lisa told Howard that Big Barry was up there and said he's not mad at Howard. Howard said he saw that he was up there but he didn't know he was on the AGT Wrap Up Show.
Howard said he heard that Lisa is reading that Fifty Shades of Grey book. Lisa said she is. She said the book is hot and she's turned on but she's not masturbating to it or anything. Ronnie came in and said that Lisa was talking to him about the book in the hall and she was getting really close to him telling him about the book. Ronnie said he'd bang the shit out of her if she wanted him to. Ronnie said she has a thing for Lee from Howard TV too.
Howard asked Ronnie if he'd do her. Ronnie said he'll do it. Lisa said she's ready to go. Ronnie said he'd do the whole deal right with her. Howard said he heard that Ronnie is a stud in bed. Lisa asked what his secret is. Ronnie said he's not going to tell her, he'll show her. Howard said it'll be like 50 Shades of Ronnie's Beard.
Howard said he never thought he'd see the day when Ronnie and Lisa would do it. Lisa said she never did either. Howard said Lisa is giving him the green light. Ronnie said he'll do it.
Howard said he figured out this 50 Shades of Gray thing. He said that it turns out that the whole reason chicks like it is that the guy is paying inordinate amounts of attention to the woman. Howard said if you pay that much attention to a woman you can get a woman. He said that's it. He said it's not erotic, it's boring. Howard said the book is horrible and the book is a guy's worst nightmare. Howard said you can't go out with your friends or go golfing. You have to spend all of this time paying attention to the woman. He said that's what it's about.
Howard told Lisa if she does hook up with Ronnie she has to let him know how he is in bed. Howard said he's heard other girls telling him that he knows what he's doing. He said Ronnie has him convinced that he's some kind of ladies man.
Lisa told Howard that the writing of the sex scenes in 50 Shades that turns her on. Howard said he doesn't think that he'd be up to the task like Ronnie is. Howard said he's terrible at eating a woman out. He said that he finishes too fast too. Lisa said she doesn't believe any of that. She said that he's married to the most beautiful woman. Howard said he's writing a book called 1 shade of gray.
Howard said he has to know what goes on if Lisa and Ronnie bang. He said he has to take a break and then get to Beetlejuice. Howard said he heard Beet moved to Georgia. He said he has to find out more about that and about the movie ''Girls Gone Dead.'' Howard said Gary was out there talking to Beet and Beet thinks he can win the Academy Award for this movie. He went to break after that.
Beet came in and told Howard that he directed this movie and he doesn't like Sal because he showed up too late. Beet also thinks that he's going to get an Academy Award for this movie.
Howard said he heard Beet moved down to Georgia. Beetle said he did and he's doing everything from down there. Howard said his manager still lives up there though. Howard said what he doesn't understand is this new management thing. He said Bobby is still his manager. Howard said he went to Comic-Con with someone else though. Howard said Bobby didn't go with him. Beet said he has two other guys who go with him. He said he does stuff himself. He said he lives with his mom down in Georgia. He said his sister died two years ago. Howard asked if that's the one he met. Beet said that's the one and she died 2 years ago. Howard said this is crazy. He said he didn't know that.
Beet said she died before she died. Howard asked if he believes in life after death. Beet said ''Oh yeah!'' Howard asked if he's Christian. Beet said he's Jewish. Robin asked if he had a Bar Mitzvah. Beet said he did. He had no idea what they were talking about.
Howard said Beet lived with Bobby and now he's in Georgia. He said he heard that he got lost for 9 hours down there. Beet said it was a half hour. Howard said he thought it was 9 hours. Beet said it may have been 9 hours. Howard said he heard he called Bobby and asked where he was but Bobby lives up there.
Howard had Bobby come in to talk about this. Bobby said that he's still in charge of Beetlejuice. Howard asked if he got worried when Beet got lost. Bobby said they were send into a tailspin when that happened. bobby said when they book Beet to do something they send Puppet down to go with him. He said Beet can't travel by himself. He said he had to book a flight for Puppet to go pick up Beet. He said he had to drive 2 hours from the airport to go pick Beet up.
Bobby told Howard that the sister Howard met didn't die. It was the other, older, sister that died. Beet was trying to explain it too but he wasn't making a lot of sense.
Howard asked if this movie ''Girls Gone Dead'' is a porno. Bobby said it is not. Howard said he had a clip to play so he had Beetlejuice set it up. Beet said all you have to do is watch it. Howard said it's a Girls Gone Wild kind of thing and Beet is in this scene he's about to play. Howard asked what he plays. Bobby said he plays a guy on vacation who winds up getting killed.
Howard played the clip and it was in a strip club or something and Sal was talking to Beet and some girls in the scene. Robin said she had no idea what was going on there.
Bobby said Beet was really upset with Sal showing up late to the set. Beet said he was. He said Sal had something hanging out of his pants when they picked him up from the hotel room. Beet said he had a condom stuck to his ass at 2 in the morning.
Howard asked Beet if he misses living with Bobby in New York. Beet said if you gotta work, you gotta work. Bobby said Beet has a cell phone and he has no idea who he's calling. He said he'll get calls from him like 10 times a day. He said he won't tell you the point to his story either. He said Beet got lost and wouldn't tell him what was wrong when he got lost. He said he went to get a slice of pizza and he got lost. He said it was like 3 in the afternoon and they didn't find him until 1 in the morning.
Howard asked if he starts crying. Beet said he doesn't cry. Howard said he would run for the hills if Beet came into his bar. Howard asked if anyone is working on getting him some new teeth. Bobby said he lost a few more actually. Howard asked what he likes to eat with that. Beet said he can eat anything. Howard said he has no front teeth at all. Beet said he can eat steak no problem.
Howard asked if the tooth fairy still visits him. Beet said the tooth fairy visits him every day. Howard said he would imagine so.
Howard asked Bobby if he argued with the mother about moving Beet. Bobby said she's very cooperative with everything.
Howard asked Beet if he likes it down in Georgia. Beet said it's fine. He said he's got friends down there. He said he has a lot of friends there. Howard said he worries about him. Bobby said he has a lot of family down there. He said he thinks he misses everyone up there though.
Howard asked what the plan is for the movie. Bobby said they had a release party last night and that went well. Bobby said you can get it on Amazon.com
Howard said Beet is getting older and he's got a belly on him. Beet is 44 years old now. Howard asked if he's getting laid down there. Beet said he does. Bobby said he gets a lot of pussy and it costs him a lot of money. Howard asked Bobby about what happens when a hooker walks in and sees him. Bobby said he meets them after they've done it and they need to get paid. He said they have walked out when they see him.
Howard said Beet should go meet Lisa G. He said that she's ready to explode reading 50 Shades of Gray. Bobby said Beet doesn't know about the money thing and he'll just tell the girls not to worry about it.
Howard said that someone told him that he's going to win an Oscar for this movie. Beet said he will. Howard said he knows a lot of people miss him there. He asked how Comic-Con was. Bobby said he was signing things out there. He said he and Ron Jeremy were signing movie posters and stuff out there.
Howard said he bets that Ron Jeremy is more depressed than Bobby is. Howard said Ron is a good dude though. Howard said they say he has a huge penis. Beet said they say he has a small dick. Howard said they call him the Hedgehog because he's so big.
Howard said it was great seeing Beet. Howard gave him some more plugs and said you can follow him on twitter @BeetlePimp and also at JollyDwarf.com. Howard said he has a great personality and he wishes him the best with this new movie. He said he's rooting for him to get the Oscar too. Howard congratulated Bobby on keeping the Jolly Dwarf thing going too. Howard said he has to take a break now and talk to Beet off camera.
Beetlejuice told Howard he's seeing him on TV a lot. He said he's been watching AGT. He said they love Howard. Beet said they're thinking the same way Howard is thinking. Howard asked Beet who he thinks will win. Beet said he likes the people singing and the ''jugging'' too. He said that a couple of people can win but only one person can win. Howard asked if Howie Mandel will win. Beet didn't know what he was talking about. Beet mentioned the guy who was shot out of the canon. Howard said he loved that guy too. He said he loved the guy who turned the whole theater into a harp.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Beetlejuice is the fucking man. He said he will watch the movie just for Beet.
Howard said he's now wondering if their phones are bad because they're all having the same problem. That guy's phone was feeding back like King of All Black's was earlier.
Howard said that Beet should come to the show tonight. He said he'd like to see him in the audience. Bobby said he'd come but he'd probably have to take some cigarette breaks. Howard said he can't smoke inside but he can smoke outside. Howard told Gary to hook him up with some VIP tickets. Gary said okay to that. Howard said Bobby is the man behind Beetlejuice and he also manages some other people. Bobby said it's just Beetle right now. He said that's the empire right there. Howard said he had to get Medicated Pete in there. Bobby said he managed him for like 2 years and he only got one call asking him to make an appearance. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came in and said he has a feeling that tonight is going to be an exhausting night. He said Beet is coming to AGT tonight. He said he's actually not sure if he's coming or not. Howard said he might be coming tonight and tomorrow night too. Howard said he has to see him there.
Howard said his buddies Pat and Doug are bringing their kids tonight. He said Beet might scare them. He laughed as he was saying that. Howard said the kids must think he's another kid but there's something fucked up about him.
Howard said when he's back stage there are little kids that are fans of his now. He said that he met a 5 year old kid that pretends he's him. He said the 5 year old took his finger to his neck and gave him the cut sign.
Howard said he read that a dog act won on Britain's Got Talent this season. Howard said they do have a couple of dog acts this season. He said he saw that dog act and it couldn't do as much as their dog act does. Howard said they haven't had their time yet on their show.
Howard said the funniest conversation he's having there, other than the Kennedy car crashing stuff... He ended up doing his Ted Kennedy impression before saying what that conversation was. Howard did his impression for a couple of minutes talking about the Kennedy family driving record. Howard talked about what Ted did and how he still continued to run for President. Howard said that's Chutzpah. Howard and Robin talked about some of the details about the Kerry Kennedy crash and what's going on with that. Robin said they're waiting for toxicology tests to come back about that.
Howard was doing his Ted impression and talking about how he was the greatest drunk driver of all time. He said he never did a day in jail and Mary Jo died. Howard said he never had another car crash after that. Fred pointed out that he did have a snowmobile incident but they won't bring that up. Fred did his Kennedy impression a little bit too.
Howard said they say that Kerry Kennedy may have been asleep when she crashed her car. He said that people say she appeared to be asleep before she smashed into a tractor trailer. Howard said a driver saw her head drop and then she veered off and into the other lane. Howard said it was good that Governor Cuomo got rid of that Kerry Kennedy chick.
Robin said she was reading about drunks who are going from hospital to hospital drinking the Purell they have on the walls. Howard said he can't imagine that.
Howard and Fred kept up their Kennedy impressions and talked about how fucked up the Kennedy father was. Gary came in and said he can tell them why one of them is fucked up. Howard, as Ted, told him it was because of their father. He said he described that yesterday too. Ted said that Howard Stern is the only one who can contact him from the dead.
Robin asked Ted if he's run into Mary Jo over there. Ted said he hasn't. He said if he does he'll drown her again and again. He also talked about his sister Rose and how his father caught her playing with herself and parting the hairs. He said that his father was so embarrassed that he removed a piece of her brain. He said grandfather fucked them all. He said his father was bad to him and he was bad to his own children. He said that's just what happens. They weren't able to break the cycle. Ted said he knows that they have to talk to Medicated Pete so he'll let them go.
Gary said that what they did to Rose was go through her eye to poke out a piece of her brain. Howard said that's right. He said they put a knitting needle through her eye. Fred added that they put a sweater up her nose too.
Howard got back into his Kennedy impression and talked more about Rose's brain and how they made a football out of it.
Howard had Pete come in. Pete came in and Howard told him to sing for them before they talk about his hair. Howard said it looks like a Chia Pet. Pete sang some Prince ''Purple Rain'' for a minute before Howard talked to him.
Howard asked Pete why he got the hair piece. Howard said he's looking him in the eye now. Pete said that he needs the confidence. He said that's huge. Howard said he thinks it does make him better looking. He said the hair is the wrong color though. Pete said he has a little red in the back so they tried to blend it in. He said it's okay in different lights. Robin said ''Yeah, like no light.''
Howard said you can see a picture of Pete and his new wig on HowardStern.com. Howard said that Pete still spends a lot of time at the library and he has no money so how did he get this wig. Pete said he started talking to this woman in January of last year. It's the same woman who got Benjy his hair. Pete said he talked to Doug and Howard TV came aboard and he put people in a bad position.
Howard asked if that thing is glued to his head. Pete said it's medical adhesive. He said he can do regular things with it on. He said he has to get it cleaned every 4-6 weeks. He said that they're working with the stylist to get it done. Howard said he's going to lose the connection when he can't appear on the show every month.
Pete said he's meeting zero women right now. He said it's been a hell of a dry run. Howard said Pete has had some life. He said that one sperm beat out everyone else and this is what came out. Howard asked if he runs into th girlfriend he used to have. Pete said he saw her last week and it was the most bizarre thing. He said he was at a bar at the Jersey Shore and saw her there. Howard asked if he has money for drinks. Pete said he pays for one or two and that's it. Pete said the girl was with someone so it was very awkward. He said he didn't want to get into it with her. He said he thought that he should get out of there. He said he did talk to her though. He said he had a nice conversation with her.
Howard asked Pete what the ex was telling him about this guy. Pete said that she knew him before and while they were dating so it's crazy.
Pete was at AGT the other day and Howard heard that he has to get drunk to be there. Pete said he was drunk. He said he just puts on a persona. Pete was starting to mumble and wasn't explaining himself. Howard asked why he drank. Pete said he likes hanging with the crowd and getting them going. He said he acts crazy and dances around there.
Howard asked if they tested his IQ. He said he can't tell if he's fucked up or smart. Pete said he's smart. He said he was told he has a high IQ. He claims he got good grades in school. Howard asked him what 9X8 was. Pete said it's 72. Howard said he's no dummy. Howard said that's good. Robin said they were hoping he wasn't so bright. Howard asked what 9x9 is. Pete said 81.
Howard asked Pete if he's gotten any pussy with the new hair yet. Pete said he hasn't. Robin said that he needs to work on the color but the hair does change the way she looks at him.
Howard said if he has the woman come in maybe she'll help him clean the hair. Benjy works with the woman and he said her name is Karon Viggiano. Howard asked Karon how she came to give this hair to him. Karon said that Howard TV paid for the hair. Howard said Doug wrote to him about the hair and he asked to get out of the whole discussion and told Gary to deal with it. Howard said he's not going to make decisions with Pete's hair. Howard said everyone should bring everything to Gary from now on.
Karon said that they were trying to get Pete laid so that's why they did this whole thing. Karon told Howard that she was working on his hair and Pete got aroused. Howard said Pete is like 27 years old. Karon said that it happens once in a while. It's not just Pete. She said that she had one guy who was making the cape go up and down as she worked on him and she told him to stop it or she'd cut his ear off.
Howard asked Pete if he came while that was going on. Pete said that he may have finished while the assistant was working on him. Howard said that Howard TV paid for this thing because they have a behind the scenes show about him. That show is available now on Howard TV.
Howard said he's hearing Pete snorting with his Tourettes and it's making him mental. Howard asked how long it takes to put this wig on. Karon said that she has to tell him how to take care of it and it takes about an hour.
Bobo called in and asked them to hold a contest to see who on the street can see who has the hair system. Howard told Bobo he'd lose right away. Karon said that she'd love to help Bobo out too. Howard said Bobo's hair is the worst. He said even Pete laughs at that. Bobo said he bets people can't tell.
Karon said that she'd also like to tattoo Pete's eyebrows because they're so faint. Howard asked if she can do anything about his lips and nose. She said she's not a plastic surgeon.
Howard asked what happens if Pete doesn't come to her in 3 weeks. She said that he'll end up with the piece on his forehead or something. Howard said he's not sure how much more money they can get him. He asked what he gets per month on SSI. Pete said he gets like $705. Howard asked what it costs to get the hair fixed and what it costs him to live. Pete said he could cut back on the clubs and stuff. Karon said she's going to help Pete out.
Howard said Pete does have more confidence with the hair. He said that he's staring him down. He said he's like George Clooney. Robin said that's George Loony. Howard got a laugh out of that. Pete started to say something but he stopped. Howard ended up making noises that Pete was repeating.
Gary said they forgot to ask Pete about the Joe Walsh thing. Howard said he's burnt out on the whole thing so he's not going to bother. Howard started to say ''dude'' over and over so Pete would repeat after him. Howard then started saying ''what'' over and over and Pete would repeat after him because of his Tourettes. Howard said this could go on all day long. Karon said that Pete needs a girl like Howard.
Howard said Pete is draining. He said he starts talking underneath you. Pete started doing it a few seconds later. Howard said he's not saying anything. He just mumbles.
Howard said that Pete used to work in a Library and that's how they found him. Howard said Pete usually just wanders around. He said that Joe Walsh's manager saw him wandering around one day and told him to get in the car. Pete just got in not knowing who the guy was. Pete said they recognized him from the show and he just got in the car. He said he figured they were in a band when he saw the band equipment in there. He said they used him as a Roadie for a day. Pete said he got into the show that night. Pete said it was cool.
Howard said Pete will be at the Mystique gentleman's club in Connecticut this weekend with some strippers. Karon also told Howard that they do a questionnaire before doing the hair thing and they found out that he's not medicated. She said that he's not using any meds. Pete said he's trying to control the Tourettes on his own. Robin was laughing hearing him snorting. Howard said he's so drained from the whole thing. He said he sounds like a pig.
Howard had Fred playing pig sounds and had Pete having a conversation with the pig sounds. Howard said that he loves Pete and he wishes him the best with his new hair. Howard told Karon to just wait and see what happens when Pete is bothering her in a few months. He said he's exhausted from this. He said he's been up since 2 in the morning. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back and read one more live commercial and said he didn't know he was back when Fred told him it was him. Fred had a new Beetlejuice laugh that he played for Howard. It was a pretty funny one.
Howard said the Mayor of New York is trying to stop huge soft drinks from being sold there. Howard said he thinks that soft drinks are as dangerous as heroin and things like that. Howard said sugar is dangerous in large quantities. Howard said you can go buy two cups if you want. They're just trying to cut down on the size.
Howard said Wolfie went out and did some interviews with some people about the banning of large sugary soft drinks. One woman was saying that she understands that they're trying to stop their children from ''becoming obesity.'' She said she's ''appalls by it.'' Wolfie asked the woman why the government is interfering like that. She was rambling on and on not making a bit of sense.
Howard had a clip from Australian TV where someone cursed on air. Howard played the clip and the host asked if she wanted to win $10,000 and the woman said ''Are you fucking serious?'' which made everyone on the show freak out. Howard said he likes that reaction. He said no one ever goes crazy when he does that.
Howard took a call from someone who had fallen asleep. Howard said he can't hang up on this guy. The snore was pretty heavy. Howard asked Robin if it would distract her if he leaves it up. Robin said it could because Medicated Pete did.
Howard said this is Vince in Los Angeles who is sleeping. He said it's early out there in Los Angeles. Howard said he knows how hard it can be to stay awake.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Benjy is off the Wrap Up Show. Howard said ''Oh absolutely.'' Howard said he has to treat him like a baby. He said there is no more Wrap Up Show for him because he came in late today. Howard said he should be mad at himself and not at him. Benjy said he is. Howard said he tells Benjy he's going to lose his job and he just doesn't listen.
Howard asked Benjy if he thinks that's fair. Benjy said it's up to him. Howard said he knows it killed him last time so he has to take that away from him. Howard said he has to be the boss man since no one else will. He said Rob Burnett is the boss over at Letterman so Gary should be the guy to handle this.
Gary told Howard that he has to give him the power. Gary said if he can fire Benjy then Howard has to give him the power. Gary said if he took over today he would tell Benjy not to come in tomorrow. He said that only makes the show suffer though. Howard said he could test out Shuli tomorrow if they did that. Gary said maybe they can do that. Gary said if this were an office they'd write him up and put it in a file. He said you get to a point where you point out all of the problems.
Howard said maybe they can take Benjy out of the studio. Gary said they could do that but then maybe it would work better for Howard. Then Benjy wouldn't be allowed back in. Howard said he thinks that Rob Burnett handles everything and then goes to Dave with his problems. Howard said he may have to have Gary handle this. He said he's going to put Gary in charge. Gary said that's fine. He said he'll discuss it with Howard after he handles it.
Gary said it would be tough for him to fire someone. He did it once and the guy cried. He said he thinks the guy may have slashed his tires months later too.
Gary said the guy they hired wasn't able to do the job. He said within 2 months they built a file on him and they kept calling him in on the stuff he was doing wrong. He said the guy ended up crying when they fired him. Howard said they should build a file on Benjy. Gary said they'll do that. Gary said he and Tim will handle it. Howard said he's ready to quit himself so maybe Gary can help out by taking over that responsibility.
Howard said Gary should be good at this since he was good with his kids. Howard said Gary is in charge. Howard asked if he'll meet with Benjy about that today. Gary said he will. Howard said his fate is in Gary's fucking hands now. He said Shuli is going to sit in for him now. Benjy said he likes his job so he doesn't like that. Howard said if he likes his job he should show up on time.
Robin read about Madonna putting a Swastika on someone's face at her show. Howard said there's nothing funny about that. Howard said he has family who lived through that whole thing. He said that's just not funny. he said Madonna is a fucking asshole. He said she thinks she's an artist so she can do whatever she wants. Robin said it's odd that she hasn't gotten enough attention. Howard said she showed her tit at a show too and it's enough already. He said she looks like a muscular skeleton with a tit hanging off of it. He said it's the least sexual thing he's seen.
Robin read about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes breaking up. Howard said that caught him completely by surprise. Howard was joking of course. Robin wondered if she's a good catch. Howard said she is because some guy could really clean her out.
Robin read about this kid who climbed out on an air conditioner and was jumping up and down on it in the window. The kid fell and a guy caught him under the window. Howard said the guy ended up with a broken arm or something. Robin said he pulled a tendon. Howard said there's no way he'd catch a kid falling. He said he'd be afraid of getting hurt. Robin wondered where the parents were. She said that's their job to know where their kid is. Howard said when you have kids you don't have any idea that you have to watch them. Robin said the guy who rescued the kid is named Steven St. Bernard. Howard said that guy is a real hero. He played some audio of the guy talking about how he caught the child. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read about a missing girl who disappeared from a beach in April. The father thinks that the kid was swept out to sea and he's come to accept that. Robin had some audio of the guy talking about how there's a chance she was taken but he thinks that she could have been swept away. Robin said the mom says she left the kids alone for just a moment and the child disappeared. She believes that her daughter may have been abducted. Howard said he believes the swept away thing. Robin said the 4 year old apparently doesn't know what happened and has nothing to say. Howard said he doesn't understand that. Howard said he knew a lot when he was 4. He knew his father wasn't too thrilled with him. Robin said the cops are going with the swept away thing.
Robin said that the Penn State thing is going on and the story keeps building. Robin said that a family has launched an investigation into the Joe Paterno thing. Robin said that they say that Paterno's family is kind of worried about what's going on. Robin said there are even more people coming forward to say they were molested by Jerry Sandusky too.
Howard asked Benjy if he has a sleeping pill problem. He said he heard from the woman who did the hair thing that he took a pill and fell asleep in the chair while she worked on him. Benjy said it's been two years since he's been late. Howard said that's just not true. Howard asked if he wants a cookie. Benjy said he's sorry he was late. Howard cut him off and did a live commercial read.
Robin read more about the Jerry Sandusky thing and how there are more people coming forward. Robin said that there are three more men.
Robin said that Joe Paterno renegotiated his retirement deal when this all broke. Howard thought it was shitty timing but Robin said it was actually very good timing. Robin said the guys who negotiated the contract were also booted out. Robin said he got a $3 million bonus and a bunch of other things. Robin said he got bonuses and things like that. Robin said that they're also changing the name of Paterno's tent city to Nitneyville.
Howard still had the snoring guy on the phone and he said it's unbelievable that he's so loud. Howard said he wanted to find out how much he snores in a minute and started counting. Howard said he must have a medical problem. He said he's like a metronome with that snore. Fred figured he was doing 20 a minute. Robin said that's about right.
Robin read about the guy who shot Trevon Martin being accused of molesting a childhood friend. Robin had some audio of the woman talking about that. Robin said they say that this woman is known as ''witness 9'' and she's said that this inappropriate touching started when she was 6 and George Zimmerman was 8. The woman also claims that the family didn't like black people and they talked about that in front of the kids.
The snoring guy, Vince, finally woke up so Howard asked what was up. Vince said he predicts that the couple that will win AGT is the couple that he can't remember the name of. Howard said he sounds like he just woke up. Vince claimed he'd been awake for a while now. Howard asked if he's a heavy set guy. Vince said he's not. he said he used to be a body builder and he is about 40 pounds overweight. Howard knew he was heavy. He said America's Judge knows. Howard said that the couple he's talking about are Donovan and Rebecca.
Howard asked Vince if he wanted to win some money. Vince said he would but he won about 3 months ago. Howard asked Gary if they have a rule about that. Gary said they have a 6 month rule. he said they have rules there where they try to make it fair to everyone. Howard said he doesn't care about fair.
Howard said as a snorer Vince lasted for 30 minutes. As a talker he didn't want to talk to him at all. He lasted for 2 minutes as a talker.
Robin asked Howard if he knows that women are smarter than men. She said that they've taken over men in IQ scores in the past 100 years. Howard said women are very smart and they're not arrogant. Howard said most guys he knows don't have a clue what they're talking about. Robin read some details about this study that was done about the IQ thing. Howard asked why she thinks he married a woman. Howard said this is why he laughs at the societies that keep their women down. He said that half their work force is forced into second class status. Howard said it's just not right.
Robin read about Kerry Kennedy's car crash and a story about a pilot who had a laser flashed in his eye as he was trying to land a plane. He was able to land the plane but the pilot had to go to the hospital for a minor eye injury.
Robin read about a couple of chimps that escaped and how they're talking about banning exotic animals in Nevada. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about how there are drought conditions in more than half the country. Robin said they say that almost 55 percent of the country is being affected by the drought. Robin said ti's the 6th worst on record at this point. Howard said that this is going to eventually get to people when food prices go up. Howard said gas prices are going down but food prices will be going up.
Robin read about a shooting at a party in Toronto. She had some audio of an official up in Toronto talking about the shooting. Howard said after watching The Wire he gets the feeling that no crimes are ever solved. Robin said that's how she felt when her car was stolen once. She said the cops told her that the car was probably on a boat on its way to another country.
Robin read about testing in school and Howard said he never did well on tests. He said he was like a wolf. He said no one explained to him how to study. Robin said she knew she had to pay attention in school. Howard said he didn't think he was going to be alive going to that school. He said his whole thing was to survive school. He said he got punched in the face one day and he whacked the kid back with a book. He said that was a good day for him. Howard said he has no education but he speaks okay for someone who is a complete idiot. HE said Beth does correct him sometimes though.
Robin said they say that summer brain drain is a problem that they say is a problem now. Robin said you're supposed to recap with your kids while they're out of school. Howard said TV shows do recaps and he doesn't need to see that. He said they must think that he's a total imbecile. Howard said they do that on American Idol too. He said they should just get to the results. Robin had some audio of Bill Nye the Science Guy talking about how you have to refresh your kids during their time off.
Robin said that Gallagher was on Letterman last night. Howard wondered how he got on there. Robin said he did have a heart attack and Dave has a soft spot for guys who have had heart attacks. Robin said Gallagher was talking about how he remembers sitting down in a club and then 3 days later he was in the hospital with his son sitting on the end of his bed. Howard said he heard that Jackie is trying to have a heart attack so he can get on Letterman. Howard said Jackie will be on tonight actually on Howard 101. Howard said that Jackie's show tonight is ''Clitty-Clitty, Bang-Bang.'' He said he's not making that up either.
Robin read a story about Steven Covy being dead. Robin said he wrote The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People book. Howard said he tried to read it but he wasn't able to get through it. He said he needs to be taught systems and he'll get through them. They spent a minute on that and then wrapped up the show. They were done at 10:00am.
Jon asked Gary if they can take a call from Benjy. Gary said no. He said it's a punishment so he can't call in either. Gary said it's like a punishment to them too. He aid that some people wouldn't agree with that though.
Gary is going to be taking over a lot of the things that Howard had to handle. Jon asked how that's going to work. Gary had some thoughts on it and Jason did too. Gary said a lot of people want it to be known what kind of work they're doing for work there. Gary said people are so afraid that Howard may not see they contributed that they will send things to everyone. Jason said that's what they do when he's trying to get things done for the web site.
Gary said he's never hijacked anyone's ideas so just send them to him and he'll pass them along to Howard. he said he's not looking to take credit for this stuff but that's what people seem to be afraid of. Jon said that Gary doesn't take anyone's credit but people do want it to be known that it was their idea. Gary said he will let Howard know that it was their idea.
Jason asked Gary if he's going to be taking over everything. Gary said that's what it sounded like to him. He said he has to handle things that Howard doesn't need to handle. Jason asked if he will be in charge of Benjy and all of that. Gary said he will and he has to have a meeting with Benjy later on. He said he hopes Benjy didn't leave yet.
Jon said that Benjy showed up about 20 minutes late this morning and his defense was that he hadn't been late in about 2 years. Jon said that he has been talked to about this many times and he has agreed to show up on time.
Gary said he called Benjy from Scott's studio. He said he wasn't able to get a hold of Benjy. His home number is disconnected. He said he has a Google Voice number and no one answered that either. He said he told Jason to get every number for Benjy today. Gary said Tracey has been trying to do that for a year and he hasn't gotten it to her either. Gary said he tried calling Benjy about 5 minutes before he got there and he should have been in a cab at the time. Jon said he should have been but he wasn't.
Jon said Benjy just sat there and sheepishly let Howard go off on him. he said there were a lot of people pissed off about that because he gets away with it. Jon wondered if he's like Artie and he has different rules or is it just that he hasn't gotten fired. Gary said he thinks that he just hasn't gotten fired.
Gary said he remembers sitting with Benjy and Howard at K-Rock and talking to Benjy about coming in late. He said Howard told him that it was bullshit that he was coming in late and Benjy said it wouldn't happen again. Gary said it's true that he wasn't late for 2 years but he was supposed to stop showing up late. Jason said that he's probably going to show up late. He said it does happen. Gary said he's been late a couple of times because of traffic. He said he takes the same way to work every day. Gary said he calls Jason to let him know so he can let Howard know.
Jason said that it's the history of Benjy that you can't ignore. Gary said Benjy would say that he's not the only one who is late.
Jon said he agrees that Benjy would argue that way but independent of that he thinks that Benjy thinks that he's not going to get fired. As long as he thinks that he will continue to sleep late.
Jon said that Benjy just doesn't have that in him to do that. Gary said that with the schedule they have it should be impossible to show up late. Jason said he thought he was going to be late one day and he woke up in a panic. He said it turned out to be Midnight though so he wasn't.
Gary said it's always the person who lives the closest that ends up late. He said that's Benjy. Gary said he used to have this argument with Stuttering John. Gary said when he'd hear there was a storm coming in he'd leave 20 minutes earlier. He said Stuttering John would come in late complaining about the storm he knew was coming.
Gary said he felt part of the thing with Howard was that there was this underlying thing about Benjy only working 3 days and not contributing any other time. Jason asked if they know if Benjy is contracted to work Monday to Wednesday. Gary said he's not sure about that. He said he will look into it. He said nobody's job at the show is a gimme. He said he could get a call on Saturday to book someone for the show and he has to call Will to work on the weekend. He said he's not contracted to work on the weekend but he will do it for the show. He said the show is a culture. He said it's not really a job. He said if you wanted to make yourself valuable you would do a lot of things you don't have to do.
Jon asked Gary if he would be able to fire Benjy. Gary said he thinks he could if he gave him no choice. He said if he opened a file and he had a bunch of things that he could show him then he could do it. Gary said they don't really know which days he's been late. Jason said he can look them up.
Jason asked Gary if he thinks that Howard would let Benjy go if they thought it was best for the office. Gary said he thinks that he wants to make it work and he will try to do that. Gary said he and Jon heard an H.R. person on the phone at the airport and it was very detailed about how they were going to fire this person.
Shuli was in the studio too so they talked to him about his punctuality issues. Shuli said he lost his car in 2010 and he was living about an hour and a half away by bus and train. he said that he wasn't able to get in at the time to do headlines anymore and he had to stop doing them. He said he's had talks with the people there and he's moved and now he's only 20 minutes away from work. He said he was in a rut in many ways and it was tough. He said he's hungry and ready for the opportunity.
Jon asked Ronnie what's going on with him and Lisa G. Ronnie said he's going to call her bluff. Jon asked if he thinks that she's not really going to do anything about it. Ronnie said he's ready to find out. Gary said he knows that Ronnie is thinking in his mind that she's screaming bloody murder. Ronnie said he thinks that the windows would be blown out of the hotel room. JD was laughing hysterically so Ronnie said he knows what JD is up to so he should stop laughing.
Ronnie said he would take Lisa to the Trump International so they'd have a nice view. He said he'll wear a Howard Stern mask and a ring like Howard wears. Ronnie said he'll be in Shaffer city. No one knew what he was talking about. It was some old commercial that no one knew about other than Ronnie. They had to go to break after that.
Scott said the reason he's laughing is because he wants to bang Lisa G. Gary said he finds her attractive and she has a great body and a cute face. Jason said he thinks that Ronnie is the right guy for it too. he said she wants someone who is going to take control from the second he walks in the room. Gary said the best part is that Ronnie is Jewish.
Jon asked JD why he was laughing so much at this. JD said that he has no desire for Lisa G at all. He said that's a really hard challenge. Ronnie said the girls JD is with have had a hundred guys. JD told him to shut up. He said he thinks that she was lying about the 50 Shades of Gray.
Jason said that Lisa is into erotica and she's told him about that. He said that Lisa wanted him to write some erotica stuff because of this 50 Shades of Gray thing.
Ronnie asked Jason if he thinks that Lisa beats herself off. Jason said he does. JD said she doesn't. Ronnie said he thinks she does but not often. Jason said that she might do it like once a month. Ronnie said he thinks that she's going home to do it today. Gary said it's like letting the air out of the radiators. Ronnie said that's something that he would say.
Shuli said that Ronnie is going to be a teacher for Lisa and that's what Ronnie likes. He said that he can be the professor.
Gary said that it's like that movie Madonna did where she was the rich chick and she treats the guy like shit until they get shipwrecked. He said that Ronnie is going to be like that with Lisa.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that they're busting Benjy's balls too much over this late thing. HE said that he hasn't been late for 2 fucking years. The caller said he had been fired for being late himself but that's because it was so often. Jason said that it doesn't send a good message to the rest of the staff if they let him get away with it.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he hires a lot of people and he looks at 3 things... teamwork, passion and talent. He said that the passion and talent are there but he's not sure about the teamwork. He said Benjy has name branding to worry about after Howard is done. He said he has to think about that. Gary said Benjy has no problem getting along with people there. Gary said if you're a good writer then all sorts of shitty behavior is forgiven. He said that Greg Fitzsimmons talked about that a couple of years ago.
Jason said that it has been two years but they've been working for 3 days a week for over a year now so it's more like a 1 year work time period.
Jason asked Ronnie how he would handle this situation. Ronnie said he doesn't think that Benjy will like his answer. He said they should have put a stop to it a long time ago. He said he thinks that Gary has to put his foot down but he's not saying he should be fired. Jon wondered what would wake him up if they don't fire him.
Ronnie said Benjy has been cutting it close for a long time now. He said he doesn't understand why they need someone to wait for him to see if he's going to show up on time.
Gary said Benjy thinks this is about him but it's really about Howard feeling disrespected. Jon said that Howard was saying that it was his fault that Benjy doesn't have good work habits. Ronnie said he thinks that's why he put Gary in charge of this and he wants to pass that along to Gary so he doesn't have to take care of it himself. Gary said he does have to put some of the blame on Howard because he has let him get away with it for so long.
Gary said he and Tim sat down and he has a plan for Benjy showing up late again. He said that he won't talk about that now. He has to talk to Benjy about that off the air.
Shuli asked Gary if he thinks Howard really wants him in the studio on Monday. Gary said he thinks that he wants to light a fire under Benjy's ass. HE said if he finds that Shuli produces better than Benjy then he has that option. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that Benjy gets right into his chair and starts mumbling his answers. She said that Howard told Gary not to let him in. Gary said he thought it would be much more interesting to have him in instead of sending him away. He said he thinks that Howard would have regretted it if they had sent him away.
Jason said that he agrees with the caller. He said that Benjy was pretty ballsy to act the way he was acting. He just did the dance and it was weird.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked if Gary will make decisions based on Howard would make a decision. Gary said that he will talk to Howard about it and he won't make decisions on his own about that. They were also wondering if Gary has to have that talk with Sal and Richard. Gary said they've had the talk with them and they're on board 100 percent. He said they're producing some good stuff.
Gary said he will take a lot of shit there. he said that he's just going to put his head down and do his job. Jon said he thinks that people respect Gary and the job he has to do. Gary said they had a discussion last week before this all went down and that's the way Howard wanted it to be done.
Gary said everyone there has an opportunity to get around him. He said that Howard will see other people around the office and the only way this is going to work is if Howard makes it work.
Jon said that JD canceled Ronnie's show when Howard put him in charge. He said that Howard could have changed that decision but he let JD's decision stand. Ronnie said he knew that they weren't going to change that.
Gary wondered if Howard would let Ralph come on the air to plug something or would he tell Ralph to call Gary to set it up. He said that's kind of a gray area.
Jason said the first time Howard contradicts Gary on the air is when things will fall apart. Jason said they're not even sure how Letterman's show really works. Gary said that's what they've told Howard over there. Jason was making some comments about them over there saying that their office might not be so great.
Jon took a call from a guy who said maybe Benjy set this up today so that would take pressure off Gary for tomorrow. Gary said that's ridiculous and he's not sure how that would take the pressure off. Shuli said that he talked to Gary about this last week and he had a feeling that Benjy could take some of the shrapnel from Howard being cranky this week. Gary said today was like September 10th for Benjy. If he had done this tomorrow it would be a completely different story.
The guys talked about Medicated Pete's new hair and a little bit about Beetlejuice coming in today as well. They talked about the movie clip Howard played for the Beetlejuice movie and the stuff Sal was saying in that clip. Jon said that Beet is now living in Georgia and he wonders if he knows where he is or not. Shuli said he was talking to Beet and he seems to know where he's at and he hates it since it's so hot. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
Howard started the show talking about his first day after a live AGT show. Robin asked how he feels. Howard said yesterday was a real rough day. He was up at 2 in the morning yesterday. He said he wasn't able to get back to bed because he has a job. Howard said he was nervous all day about doing the live show and then coming into work the next morning. He said he was afraid about what was going to happen after the show and worrying that he wouldn't be able to sleep.
Howard said he slept after the show yesterday for 15 minutes. He said they had a staff meeting after that. Then after all of that his beautiful dog Bianca died. Robin said she heard that. Howard said he will start to cry if he brings it up. Robin said she wasn't sure if he was going to. Howard said he won't cry just because he knows the hard asses in the audience will goof on him.
Howard said they had a staff meeting yesterday and they have a great idea for the show. He said he can't wait to talk about that. Howard said Ronnie told him after the meeting that Beth was texting telling him to have him call. Howard said he called and Beth was crying hysterically. He said they really loved Bianca and he used to be the guy who said that people who love their dogs are not real people. Howard said he turned into one of those people. He said the longer you live the more you learn. He said he said a lot of stupid things on the radio as he was growing up.
Howard said Beth told him that Bianca threw up a few times and then she was lying down. He said the vet told them that it might be the heat or something and just let her rest. Howard said she was 10 1/2 and that's a long time for a Bulldog. Howard said she was on pain meds for her arthritis and stuff like that. Howard said Beth really took great care of that dog. He said they got the dog near the beginning of the relationship and they don't have children of their down. Howard said Bianca was sort of their child. Howard said she was everything. Howard said she was their life.
Howard said it was really something they shared together. Howard said he can't talk about it anymore because he's about to cry.
Howard said Beth told him about the dog throwing up and the vet told her to see what happens in 15 minutes. Howard said that they talked about what would happen if the dog dies. He said that they didn't think they could bring her over themselves if they had to put her down.
Howard said that the dog was home when this happened so that's one good thing. Howard said that Beth told him about 15 minutes later, while he was talking to Medicated Pete in the hall, and he called her back. Beth told him that Bianca was gone, our baby is gone. Howard said Beth was kissing her and rubbing her ears. Howard said he made a vow a few months ago that he was going to spend 15 minutes with the dog in the morning and rub her belly and ears.
Howard said this is tough for him. He said he's really bummed. Robin said she figured she was at the vet with her when it happened.
Howard said he's not sure he can tell this because he may cry. He said one of the things Beth did was sit with the dog and she cleaned her folds like she was fine. Howard said he has to take a break. He said he's bummed. Howard said it's so silly. Robin said it's really not silly. She said the people who don't feel for their pets are silly.
Howard said he doesn't get the people who get rid of their pets. Robin said you're missing out on something if you can't love your pets. Howard said he's really upset and he doesn't want to cry on the air. Howard said that people are very nice but there's like one in a thousand who will say he's a pussy. Howard said he hates that. Robin said when she got her cat a kidney transplant she got that.
Howard said Bianca likes to sleep in his closet and she'll put her butt up against the wall. He said he got home and he was walking up the steps thinking that he was going to see Bianca. He said he looked at the mark on the wall where her butt stains it. He said he's grateful for that stain because that's all he has left of her. Howard kept pausing during the story because he really was going to cry. He said he spent the whole day crying. He said he and Ashley were crying all afternoon. He said it was really rough.
Robin said she knew how happy that dog made them. Howard said when they were outside he would tell Bianca to go in the shade and she would do it. Howard said that's a human concept but the dog knew to go under a tree or something and she'd go into the shade. Howard said he got a lot of personal notes about that too. He said Mark Cronin was impressed that the dog would do that.
Robin said he'll be looking for her for a long time. Howard said Bianca did some really funny stuff and she was such a great dog. Robin said they used to sneak her in there and she was great there. Howard said when he's not there he would take the dog into the shower with him and she knew when he asked her if she wanted to come into the shower that he was going to take a shower.
Howard said Beth was the moon and the stars to that dog. She was the Khaleesi. Howard said she is having a really hard time yesterday. He said he can't even say what Beth was saying over and over because it'll make him break down.
Robin said she wrote Beth a note about the dog and she knew she'd be in pain. Robin said she lost her most dear cat and at first you feel like a part of you is missing. She said you get this wisdom from it though. She said she wrote her about Howard too. She said that she has this to go through with Howard. Howard said his dog helped him learn how to love. He said when you have kids you get that too. He said the dog was different because your kids grow up and move away from you. Robin said the animals give to you but people are different.
Howard said that people told him how lucky they were to have the dog. He said they were the lucky ones though. He said that dog was so great. Howard said there are so many creeps who give away their dogs and it's so wrong. Howard said he's not sure how they can do that. He said they're all fucked.
Howard said to sum it up, so he doesn't cry on the air, Bianca was the best dog. He said he'll miss her terribly. Robin said when her cat, Kelly, got sick she thought about how she had to find another one like Kelly. She said they have personalities of their own though and she knew it wouldn't be the same. Robin said that people clone their animal and they don't get the same animal.
Howard said he went to America's Got Talent yesterday and his head was pounding from crying so much. He said he was walking around holding a picture of Bianca. He said her head would rest on this spot where the heat came through the apartment and he was looking at it crying. Howard said Robin has to help him out there and talk when he's breaking down.
Howard said he kept thinking about what Nick was going to do and if he would mention the dog or not. Howard said he figured he'd break down and he couldn't make it about him so he kept his mouth shut. He said it was really rough because he just wanted to be with Beth. He said if he had been with his dog when she died he would have buried her himself. He said they're having her cremated instead. He said they'll do something with the ashes but he's not sure what. Robin said she has Kelly in an urn and she sleeps next to her bed. Howard said they have an idea for what they want to do.
Howard said he's glad he was at AGT because the audience was great and he feeds off of that energy. Howard said there are 3,000 fans sitting in there and it's great. He said Sharon and Howie knew he was upset. He said he got a lot of love from the audience. He said he wasn't thinking about his dog dying. He said he really did take it hard though.
Howard was about to break down again and said he might have to break. He pulled it together a few seconds later. He said rest in peace Bianca.
Howard said he's not sure how it plays on TV but that Lightwire Theater is great in person. He said it's amazing in person. He said it may not translate on TV. Robin said she watched it and said that if Las Vegas ever went back to that Family Friendly thing that's the kind of act they need. Howard said there are only 5 women and men doing that. He said it's crazy. He said the comedian, Jacob, did really well too. He said he thought the band Wordspit Illest did well too. Robin said that the rapper is very angry. Howard said the band is really right and that Mr. Reed guy is a really good singer too. Howard said he saw it as a sign of strength that they did their own song. Howard said he thinks they'll get the votes to stay.
Howard said he thinks that the band will be there but they need to change the name of the band. Howard said those guys were really good and the first group of dancers were good. He said they might make it through. The bike team might make it. Robin said it doesn't translate to TV. Howard said that guy who balances himself lost it. He said that he winced when he said he balances on garbage. Howard said he didn't mean it as an insult though. Howard said the juggling guy screwed up too. He said there were a lot of nerves last night.
The caller said that he thought the single dancer was fantastic. Fred said he's with Howard on that one. He said there wasn't a flow. He said it was broken up too much. Howard said he had the same problem the juggler had. He would do something cool and then stop. He said Elusive had a flow and he didn't have it last night. Fred said he's right. Fred said it made him miss James Brown. Howard said he liked the song that was playing.
Howard said he was trying to zone out on the Bianca stuff. Howard said they were running a bit long and they had to shorten their times down. Howard said Howie went long and then Sharon would go long. He said he tried to hurry up but then he went longer than 20 seconds too. Howard said he thinks that America is waiting for him to speak and that's what he thinks America wants. The caller said that's true. Howard said he thinks he's the only relevant judge. Robin said all of the judges are good.
Howard said last night they were in agreement for most of the stuff last night. The caller said all of them were good last night. Robin said Simon Cowell had the benefit of having no judges around him on American Idol. Howard said he had Paula and Randy and they were pointless. Robin said Simon looked like a genius after they talked.
Howard said that they were all pretty much in agreement about who is going to move on to the next round. He said he knows that he and Howie will be arguing about an upcoming act though.
Howard took another call from a woman who said she loves him on AGT. She said that he should keep on doing what he does with the judging. Howard said he can't be more positive if he's feeling it but the producers want him to try.
Robin said there were times when Simon wouldn't be positive at all during a show. She said you have to keep your credibility. Howard said he knows that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he read about Bianca and he was heart broken. He said he had a cat for 20 years and he went through that too. He said the pictures of Bianca and Beth were great. Howard said Beth had put up a bunch of pictures of him and Bianca in his dressing room. He said he started crying looking at them in the dressing room. The caller told him to just feel it out. Robin said it's beautiful to have feelings like that. Howard said he doesn't like it. Robin told him to stop it. She said this is great for Howard. She said that's the problem with people. She said they don't want to talk things out, they want to beat things up. She said if people could feel the world would be a better place.
Howard said Beetlejuice was there last night. He said his buddy Pat brought his kids and so did his other friend. He said they were all sitting near Beetlejuice. Howard said they wondered if they were good seats if they were next to Beet. Howard said he told the crowd that Beet was there and they loved it.
Howard said Howie is wearing hats now every week and he told him it wasn't good. Howard asked Robin what she thinks. Robin said she thinks he has a good look without the hat. Howard said Howie would ask them to vote if he should wear a hat or not. Howard said he's told him not to a bunch of times. Howard said now it's becoming his thing.
Howard said he has jet black hair and Sharon has shocking pink. then Howie has a hat on. Howard said it looks silly. Robin said he's indoors too. Howard said he thinks it's a vanity thing. Howard said he thinks that he wants people to tell him to wear the hat. He said he can't believe they're even talking about it back there. Howard said he thinks he should get a rainbow wig and wear that instead. He said he would love that if he did.
Howard asked Robin what she thinks about Howie and his constant Twitter plugs. Robin said that it's a bit much. Howard said he does see him reading his feed over there.
Robin asked Howard what he's going to do about next season. Howard said it would be fine if he didn't do this show. He said he doesn't think he'll be coming back next season. Howard said they want him back on Monday over there and he barely has time to shit anymore.
Howard said he was there at 3:45 yesterday and he sat around until 7. He said you don't know what traffic is going to be like so he got there early. He thinks he beat Howie there yesterday and Howie is there all day.
Howard told a story about how Bianca kept putting her head on his feet in the car one day. He said now he's wishing that he could have her head back on his feet. He said on Monday he had so many things going on and normally he'd go and hug her but he had so much to do that he had to run out. Howard said he could have seen her one more time if he had given her a hug but he didn't do it that day. He said he should have done it. Robin said this is the thing that people don't understand. Bianca wouldn't ever fault him for that. She said that he was there for her.
Gary said you can't think about a minute. Howard said he knows. He doesn't have to tell him that. Robin said he will never have anyone more forgiving in his life. They don't care that you're a workaholic. They forgive you for that. They appreciate you for who you are. Howard thanked Robin for talking because he just composed himself while she was talking.
Robin said that she could put her cats on the floor and they'd be back 10 minutes later.
Howard said they have water bowls all over the house for the cats. He said that the dog would go to each one and drink from them. He said there would be saliva from the dog in all of them. He said they'd have to clean them out and she'd go right back to them. Howard said Beth was walking around and she found one of the bowls with that in there. Howard almost broke down again. Howard said all of that little stuff is so awful.
Robin said she wasn't able to throw Kelly's cat bowl away. She said she tries to hold on to everything she can.
Howard took a call from a guy who gave him a big ''Wahhh'' and told him to move on with the show. Howard said this guy is the reason he didn't want to cry on the air. He said he wouldn't hear the end of it. Howard thanked Robin for talking at the right moments as he was welling up. Robin said pets are the best.
Howard said he told his psychiatrist that he'd be crying on the air and he said it was great. Howard said he has no idea what his audience is like. He said they won't understand. Howard said there's a part of the audience that are rabid jackals. He said he's the head of those jackals. He said he has to go compose himself now. He said they have Russell Brand calling in and they have the Celebrity Impersonation contest coming up today too.
Howard came back and had Russell Brand on the phone. Russell has a new show called Brand X where he analyzes news stories with an audience. Howard asked if they have guests. Russell said they don't really have any. He said if they start talking you have to listen to them and that slows you down. Howard said he enjoys that aspect of his show. He said Russell must want to monolog. Russell said he is a deeply disturbed man. Howard asked if he sits at a desk. Russell said he has a desk but he moves around.
Russell told Howard about a news story about police dogs and how they get it wrong 50 percent of the time. He said the dogs don't know anything. He said they're idiots. He said the dogs are actually racist and they pick out Hispanic people most of the time that they're right. He said half the time they're wrong about drugs being in the car. Howard said he could do a better job himself. Howard said you can kind of tell if you think someone has drugs in their car.
Howard asked when the show is on. Russell said they have a show once a week. Russell said that he took that dog story and pulled a Mexican woman out of the audience and went through her purse. He said it was anarchy there. Russell said that's what he does with the show.
Howard said he's surprised he took this on with the movie career he has. Howard said he's surprised he has time for that. Russell said he missed contact with people since you don't get that when you make a film. He also brought up the scene he did where he snogged Alec Baldwin on the mouth. Howard said he saw that and he was surprised he went that far with it. Howard said he really made out with the guy. He said he may have tongued him. Russell said with Alec there's more to it than sexuality.
Howard asked if he made out on film for the first time or did they work it out before that. Russell said they worked it out ahead of time. He said there was some tension there.
Howard asked Russell about giving a hand job to a guy once. Russell said that he did but it was a TV show he was doing and he was trying to cross a boundary. Howard said he went the distance for the show. Russell said he did go all the way and he did feel a little bit of shame when the man shot out that ribbon of grey jizzum.
Howard asked Russell about his divorce from Katy Perry. Russell told Howard about how much he loved her and why he married her so quickly. Howard asked how quickly he realized it was a mistake. Russell said as he was sliding the ring on he caught the eye of the guy holding the ceremony and he realized how gorgeous he was. Howard said he knows a lot of people actually do realize it at the wedding. Russell said he was just joking. He said it didn't come out that quickly. Russell said he knows that this will be in the tabloids over in England. He said that someone will write it up and get the facts wrong.
Howard said Russell has a hopping career and he's huge in England. Howard said Katy was very popular too. Howard said she's all over the world doing her thing and Russell probably just wanted his woman with him all the time. Russell said that it is like that. He said you can't fully understand it until you do it. He said he was into the idea of getting married and having children. He said that they did talk about having kids and things. He said he doesn't want anything to hurt Katy so he doesn't want the tabloids getting this all wrong. Russell said that if you say a joke they'll write it as if it wasn't a joke. He said he doesn't want that to happen.
Howard said Katy was great in so many ways. Howard said he would go on tour with her and hang out with her. Howard said he would forget about his career. Howard said Russell has a good career going himself though. Howard said he knows that when Beth isn't with him he gets really fucked in the head. He needs his wife with him. Robin said Howard is a companion person. Howard said he can't go 2 or 3 weeks without his wife. He said that kind of relationship just doesn't work.
Howard asked Russell if he's freaked out about marriage now. Howard said he must want to go out and fuck everyone he can. Russell said that might be the kind of reaction you'd have and it's like being without candy and then going to Willy Wonka's and swimming around in the chocolate river.
Howard asked if he's dating Jordana Brewster's sister now. Russell said that is true. Howard asked if he has a rotation of women. Russell said he's just enjoying the freedom of it. He said he's committed to hedonism. Howard said he would love to know what he's really up to. Russell said that sometimes it's just extraordinary. Howard asked if he's had two and three women at a time now. Russell said sometimes one at a time is just more practical.
Howard said Russell has this talk show on Thursday nights on FX. Howard said he thinks that he should talk about what he's up to on that show. Russell said that he meditates and exercises more than he has sex. He said he's doing yoga and mediating a lot more than having sex. Howard asked if he feels he has to have a woman in bed. Russell said it is a big bed and he would like someone there but he also likes his own time.
Howard asked if he has someone with him right now. Russell said he does have a couple of people in there. Howard asked if it's Isabella. Russell was joking around and not saying who it was or if he was even serious.
Howard said he always liked it when he had someone with him. Russell said that he's 37 and he's not on his own a lot. He said he's in a really beautiful place right now. He said if you're good with your own spirituality then you're doing pretty good. He said he doesn't want to surround himself with nonsense. He said money, sex, love and all of that won't make him happy if he doesn't have spirituality. He said that we're only here for a limited time and we're surrounded by so much nonsense. He said he's okay with being alone. Howard said he doesn't believe that at all.
Russell made fun of Howard saying he didn't believe it. He did an impression of him saying that. Howard said he knows there is someone there with Russell. Russell said he's not going to put that person on the phone. Howard said he wants to speak to her for one second. Russell said that it won't do them any good if he does.
Howard said he heard a story about Russell being into wheelchair porn. Howard said he heard that it involves some dude in a wheelchair. Russell asked who would want to watch that. Howard told him to tell him since he's the one who's into it. Russell said he doesn't watch porn right now but when he does it's just straight up porn. He said it's not weird porn.
Howard said he heard the real reason he and Katy broke up was because the sex wasn't freaky enough for Russell. Russell said that married life is what it is and Katy was fantastic. Howard said maybe he needed more than that. Russell said that she was very willing to do wheelchair porn. He said that would be like being married to Steven Hawking.
Howard said he heard that Russell couldn't stand Katy's family either. Russell said they were lovely and that's just not true either. Russell said that they didn't hate him either. He said they had a great relationship. He said they're Christians but they're not stiff. He said they were more Born Again Christians and they can relate to him.
Howard said he heard that Katy got bitten by a spider on the honeymoon and she broke out in a rash. Russell said that's the plot of Spider-Man, not his honeymoon.
Howard said Katy wrote that song about how bummed out she is by her relationship with him. Russell said he's not going to say anything to hurt her. Howard said he has to get Russell drunk and find out what really went on there.
Howard asked Russell if he got to the point where he thought that he was becoming Mr. Katy Perry. Russell said that he doesn't read newspapers anymore. He said that it's very warping. He said it can warp your perspective. He said that he's all about reality. He said that these stories Howard is coming up with are all new to him.
Howard said it was such a good move to marry Katy. He said when you become a famous couple America loves that. Howard said when he was looking for a new woman he was thinking about people like Katy Perry.
Russell said that Howard has this ability to get into the truth with his guests. He said that he feels this obligation to be truthful with the way things are going in the world. He said that Howard is looked at like a truthful person and he wants to be honest like Howard. Russell said he got married because he was in love and he got divorced because it wasn't working. That's how simple it was. He thinks that people are sick of it. Howard said he wants to hear more. Robin said they just had Katie and Tom Cruise on the cover of the paper for weeks. No one is sick of it.
Howard told Russell he's right and now he'd like to know if he's going to date Katie Holmes. Russell said he'd like to date Sherlock Holmes.
Howard asked if Russell is doing the Olympics finale and he's going to perform ''I am the Walrus.'' Russell said that he can't confirm that story is true. He repeated that and he'd pause and say ''that story is true'' like it was true. Howard asked him to sing that song for him. Howard asked how something like that happens. Russell said he can't confirm that it is going to happen.
Howard asked what kind of ceremony this is going to be. Russell said it won't be as bad as when they asked him to do the Shot Put.
Howard said that could go horribly wrong if he sings that song. Russell said he does stuff like that to have an anecdote. He said he'll have material for his comedy if he does it. Howard said Russell thinks about his life a lot. He thinks about how incredible it would be for his show. Howard said maybe that's why he got married and divorced. Russell got a laugh out of that.
Howard said he read Russell, under California Law, could have demanded 22 million from Katy. He said he told her to keep the money and keep the house though. Howard said he could have had his own private jet with that kind of money. Russell said he has his own job and all he wants to do is have a decent life. He said he's not into taking money from women.
Howard asked why she's writing shitty songs about him if he's so good to her. Howard said she doesn't have to write some shitty song about him. Robin asked if he likes the song. Russell said he hasn't heard the song actually. Robin asked if he was ever into her music. Russell said that he's fine with whatever it is she has to do.
Howard said a major pop star wrote a song about him and he didn't listen to it? Russell said he didn't hear it. Robin asked if he liked her music ever. Russell said Robin never stops. Howard asked if he was able to go to one of her concerts and sit through it. Russell just said ''Oh man...'' He said he was married to her and he was proud of everything she did.
Howard asked Russell if he wanted to listen to the song with him and go through the lyrics with him. Russell said he's a fucking bastard but if he has to do it then go ahead and do it. Fred pulled the song ''Wide Awake'' by Katy Perry and played it. Howard said that she's saying that he hypnotized her or something. Russell asked how they were getting all of that from that one line. Howard had Fred play more of the song and it was a lot of ''I'm wide awake'' and then she sings about how she was in the dark and wondered how she could have read the stars so wrong.
Howard said he wishes that she'd write a song about him like that. Russell said that song could be about anything so far. He said it's possible that it's not about him. Howard said he has banged some women who sing and none of them wrote songs about him.
Howard played more of the song and tried to figure out if they had to do with Russell. Katy was singing about how she wishes she knew then what she knows now. Howard had the lyrics printed out and read through them. Robin said she's making it sound like she fell out of a window. Howard said he thinks that she's devastated. Fred played a sound effect of something falling.
JD came in and said that she sang another song where she sang about the diamond ring and things like that. Russell said that this is insane and he's just trying to enjoy a cup of coffee. Howard read more of the lyrics and said he must have done some freaky shit to her in bed. Russell said ''Oh come on...'' He said his interpretation is somewhat arbitrary. He said it's a nice song.
Russell said his publicist is going to be upset with all of this. He said that there should be some fall out from this interview. Howard said there's obviously something going on there and Russell is trying to take the high road. He said he admires him for that.
Russell said that he did a good rant about concentrating on spiritual things and people have to stop worrying about celebrity divorces and stuff. Howard said he's right about that. Howard said Russell is being a good sport this morning. Howard asked if he had her phone number and if they can call her on the air right now. Russell said that Howard has to get his kicks somehow. He said that the next thing you know he'll be strangling someone on the air.
Howard said he knew this marriage wasn't going to last. He said he said it on radio and on some TV programs. Russell said that he came from nothing and he's doing alright now. He said he's very spiritual and he has a good job and a cat and a TV show. He said that he's just trying to be cool to people and he's feeling kind of happy. He said that Howard has cool people listening to his show but his publicist tells him he was out of his mind talking about certain things. Then someone who heard him on the show will come up to him and tell him how good it was. Howard said he should fire his publicist for letting him come on this show.
Russell said it's amazing what Howard is able to do with his show. Howard said he hopes that by the time he and Isabella divorce that society is more spiritual and they don't concentrate on their divorce. Russell said he hopes so. Howard told him not to get too crazy from the fame. Howard said he knows he's rational on this show but he got arrested back in March. Howard said he threw a photographer's iPhone through a window.
Howard said he was in L.A. a couple of years ago and they were in Mr. Chows. He said he was having a good time and he was flying high. Howard said the paparazzi was outside and he ended up getting taken out of there and the driver was driving like a nut. Howard said that he told them to calm down and just let the guy take a picture. He said that it's not that big of a deal. Russell said he's right and he doesn't throw everyone's phone through the window. He said this one guy was just really annoying and he got fed up. Robin said you have to think about the aftermath.
Gary said he just got a call from Russell's publicist who said that they should wrap up. They only agreed to do a 30 minute interview. Howard said he has to wrap this up then. Howard said he'll act like he's wrapping it up and he'll talk for another hour. Howard asked what Russell is wearing. Russell said he's naked. He said he does that for practical reasons.
Howard said Russell has a new TV show called Brand X and it's on Thursday nights at 11 on FX. Howard talked about the drug sniffing dog story Russell told earlier.
Howard asked Russell about his uncircumcised penis and if the girls freak out about it. Russell said they don't and they seem kind of appreciative about it. Russell told Howard that he appreciates this and he has his publicist calling through now. Howard said they'll listen to all of Katy's songs and analyze them all with him another time. Russell said Howard's show inspired his show and they have a lot of porn stars on the show. He said they come and sit in the audience. Russell told Howard about a bit they do on the show this week and Howard said he'll have to check that out. Howard jokingly told Russell that Katy Perry wrote a song called ''Russell Brand is the Antichrist.'' Howard said he'll have to listen to that one even though Katy says that it's not about Russell Brand.
Howard let Russell go and said he likes that guy. Robin said she does too. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back while that call was still playing. Howard got some laughs out of that. Howard said they're minutes away from the Celebrity Impression contest. He said that they'll get to that in a minute.
Howard said that he was reading online about Kristin Chenoweth getting inured on the set of a TV show she was working on. He said that he was reading it thinking about how awful it sounded. He said she has such a nice image and you don't hear much about her. Then he was reading the comments below the article and he figured it would be an outpouring of love. It was at first. Then he sees the second comment that said she was so short she didn't have far to fall. Then someone said he hoped her boobs were okay. He said that someone said the size of her head was partially to blame. Howard said he understands why he gets negative comments because he says negative things himself. He said that he's getting a lot of hate mail from people in Guam because of a comment he made on AGT.
Gary said that Kristin Chenoweth is up there fairly often and she's one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Howard read more of the negative comments he had from this article about her. There were more negative comments than positive ones. Howard said there were a bunch about the size of her head and how awful she is. Howard said someone called her a freak. Howard said there were some nice comments in there but there was a lot of negative stuff.
Howard said that he got a lot of feedback about the Woody Harrelson interview. He said a lot of people like that. He said a lot of people were angry with Benjy being late yesterday. One guy defended him saying they should give him a break. Robin said Benjy is there so they must have listened. Howard said a lot of people liked Medicated Pete yesterday. He said he got a lot of nice comments about Bianca too.
Howard said they're going to have a big Medicated Pete special on Howard TV. He said they follow him to get his hair piece.
Howard said that he's gotten a lot of email from people who are upset about the way he's painting the community out there. Howard said that they say there is only a small community of ''cloppers'' who are jerking off to it. Howard said they say they're ruining it for everyone else who doesn't do that.
Howard had some pony porn for Robin. Howard played a clip of something Sal and Richard put together with horse sounds and a guy moaning.
Howard played the My Little Pony theme song and then played a parody about Robin. Gary said he got a note from the head of Brony-Con and they apparently got into the convention without permission and they have to fill out some kind of form next year or they'll get kicked out. Howard said no one would even think to apply for a badge. Howard said there are 4,000 nudnicks who get together to talk about My Little Pony. Howard said Steve Brandano was out at Comic-Con and he saw someone dressed up like My Little Pony out there.
Howard said Jason Raff told him about the My Little Pony cartoon and how he can't watch it with his kids now that he's heard that whole thing. Howard said all of these conventions are wild. He said Steve Brandano did some interviews with some people at comic-Con. Howard said he'd play a couple of those and then get to the contest.
Howard played one clip where Steve talked to a character that was very obscure. Howard said the more obscure they are the more entitled the fan thinks they are.
Howard also talked about the Khaleesi and how so many overweight women were dressing up as that character out there. Gary was out there at Comic-Con too so he saw that first hand.
Howard played more of the interview Steve was doing with that character out there. Howard said these guys can't possibly have a job. Steve said this guy was like 17 or 18 so he's in that weird area where it might not matter if his boss hears this. Steve said he was lost on this character. He said it's possible that it was an Anime character he was dressed up as. He said he was very proud to be under the radar with that costume.
Howard said he would be embarrassed if he was 17 and dressing up like that. He said he's still in school and people might find out about it.
Howard played anther clip of Steve talking to a couple of characters from the Mortal Combat game. The guy was dressed up as Sub Zero and he had a mask on so it was hard to understand what he was saying.
Steve told Howard about this one guy who has a family and they don't know that he dresses up as an Aqua Bat. Steve said that it's a kid's show where the people dress up as super heroes and sing in a band. Steve asked him if his family knows what he does and he says they don't. He said he keeps his stuff under his dresser and hides if from his wife and kids. He said he has to work on his belt in the bathroom and he has to hide it from them. He said his wife and daughter made fun of him for spending so much time in there.
Howard asked Steve if he went through the badge process to do his Comic-Con thing. Gary said he didn't get a press badge so he did side step it. Howard said they're doing undercover work there. Howard said he digs the guy with the mask. He did his impression of the guy trying to talk through his heavy mask. Howard said you have to be really fucked up to do that.
Howard asked Gary if he'd be depressed if his kid was into this. Gary said yes. He said even if they had a job and they did this on the weekends he'd still be bothered.
Robin said that Howard told that juggler kid on AGT that his parents should have sopped him from juggling early on. She said he's right about that.
Gary said that when you go to Comic-Con they don't say that. They say ''con'' and they'll ask ''How's your Con going?'' He said he feels weird even answering that. Steve said that's what he was doing. He said he'd ask people how their Con was going. Howard said it is a con so it's good they call it that.
Gary said Comic-Con has the most loyal fans ever. He said they have vendors who have buttons and t-shirts that are made just for that year. He said they were complaining about how they had TV shows and stuff there. He said people were upset about Breaking Bad being there.
Howard asked Steve if this was the best Con for him ever. Steve said it was pretty good. Gary said they had a good time out there. Steve said that he likes being able to get into the parties and stuff out there.
Howard got back to the audio clips and played one where a guy was talking about being dressed up as a Viking. He was part of some group that dresses up like that. Howard said they should have Howard-Con and have Bobo there in a booth. Steve said they could have people dress up like people on the show. Howard said people could dress up like Smelly James if they want to be really obscure.
Howard said people could dress up like Andre Gardner or Richie Herbie. Gary said maybe it could be Eli who was Richie's assistant. Howard said someone could come as Andy Bloom's mother. Howard said Andre might show up as himself to that Con.
Howard wondered who you could dress up as. Maybe Sussy the lighting guy who left to go biking around the country. Howard said someone could come as Black Vinnie Favale. Gary said there is one. He said Vinnie has a family member who is black. Howard said you could come as the guy who he saved from jumping off the bridge. Robin said they could have the people who scammed them.
Howard said they could have that woman who pretended to be Madonna's sister. Howard said maybe it could be George Flowers or Tom Gesimondo. Robin said maybe they could have the helicopter people Roz Frank and Donna Feducia.
Howard got back to the audio clips with Steve and the Viking guy. Howard said they should all join the group that the guy is in just to ruin it. The guy told Steve about how they fight and have to be trained before they do it. The guy said he's spent about $4,000 on his costume and he's 27 years old. Howard said the list is coming in for Howard-Con. He read a bunch of the names from the list and Dan the Song Parody Man's pony tail was one of them. Gary said his pony tail actually got cut off. Howard said you could come as Ed Torian. Robin said you could come as Ed Torian's lie detector. Howard said Neil Berliner, The Jesus Twins manager and more were some of the names.
Howard played another interview Steve did with a kilted Stormtrooper. Gary said the guy explains why he has one on. In the clip the guy was talking through his helmet and explaining why he had the kilt on. Gary said that these people take over all of San Diego and you see these characters all over the place.
Gary said he took Steve to Nobu and everyone there was in costume. Gary said Steve thought the place was exclusive but they let in all of those people with costumes. He said Batman was there eating at Nobu.
Howard played more of the clip and the guy was explaining that he's in a group of Scottish and Irish guys who wear the kilts.
Howard said he got more names for Howard-Con. He had Captain Dennis and Sal Calabro were a couple of the names.
Howard said it's getting late in the show so he has to get to the contest. He has to go to AGT tonight too so he has to get some sleep. Howard said he looked good last night with that jacket he was wearing. Howard said he loves Sharon's hair. He said it's like purple. Howard said she came by to console him about his dog and he asked her about the hair. He told her it was fantastic. Howard said she has to wear more plunging neck lines too. He said she has a great rack and he alluded to that on the show. They went to break a short time later.
After the break we heard some prank calls Sal and Richard made to a pizzeria asking them to hold all the toppings from the pizzas they ordered. Fred also played Led Zeppelin's ''Dancing Days'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said they have the celebrity impression contest happening now. Howard said they have a $5,000 grand prize for the winner of the contest. The sponsor is Avion tequila. Howard said he has Eric the Actor on the phone but he can't get to that right now. Howard said he is curious as hell to find out though. Gary said he'll get the wrath of that later on when Eric calls and complains that he got up at 4:30 in the morning to call in.
Howard said that Robin and Gary will both be judges. JD was laughing at Howard when he called Gary a bunch of Baba Booey-like names. Gary asked what JD doesn't laugh at. Howard said JD told them earlier that he didn't know if he wanted to stand or sit to be a judge. Howard said he is a judge though. Howard said that Fred will also be a judge. Howard said JD has a great T-shirt on. He has a Fonze T-shirt on today. Howard said that's definitely not a John Varvatos shirt.
Howard introduced Rachel Butera who has been on the show before. He said she was in the Staff Impression contest in 2010. Howard asked who she did back then. She did her Underdog Lady, Suzanne Muldowney, impression for Howard and talked to him for a short time. She also did her Tracey Millman impression and cursed up a storm. Howard spoke to her as Tracey for a short time. Howard got her going about JD and then about Gary. She went off on Benjy for being a douche coming in late.
Howard said Rachel has to do some celebrity impressions today. She did her Rosie O'Donnell impression for a short time. Howard talked to her like she was Rosie and Rosie was telling him that she's in love with Beth. Howard said that's a very good impression. Howard said Rachel is living out in L.A. right now and she's getting some work. She said the work is trickling in and she did a McDonald's commercial yesterday. She said she can't say she's making a living but she is making some money. Rachel said she's been on unemployment for a year. She said she has also been dating out there and people seem to like her more out there than they did on the East coast. Rachel said they seem to be more open to things out there.
Howard said they have to get to Ben and Jay too. Howard asked if Rachel had any other impressions. Rachel did more of her Rosie and had a discussion with Howard as Rosie. She had some good material to go along with the impression. Howard said he thinks that Beth has a crush on Rosie too. Rachel's impression got even better as it went along.
Howard said she also does a Whoopi impression. Rachel did some of that. She did her Sheri Sheppard and Wanda Sykes impressions too. Howard said she is out to win this thing. Howard asked Wanda if she likes Beth too. She said Beth isn't her type. She said she likes black women better. She said they're just juicier. She said she likes a darker berry. Howard said she does Sandra Bernhard too. Rachel broke into that impression and Howard asked if she does just lesbian impressions. Howard asked her to do her Cyndi Lauper impression. She did two versions. She did an early Cyndi and a modern day Cyndi.
Howard asked why Rachel didn't try out for AGT. She said she actually did but she didn't get through. Howard said that's bullshit and she should have gotten through. Howard said he would have been fair to her if she had gotten on.
Howard introduced Ben Campbell who was there from Phoenix, Arizona. Howard said he does a bunch of impressions and he does a President Obama. Ben did some of that impression and it was a very good impression. Howard talked to Ben as if he were Obama for a short time. JD was cracking up at some of his lines. Ben had some decent material to go along with his impression too. He had people laughing at his lines. Rachel joined in as Rosie O'Donnell and joined the conversation.
Howard said it was an honor to have Obama there today. Ben said that he wants people to see how he really is and that's as a dirty bastard. Rachel did more of her Wanda Sykes impression and said she wants to be Obama's second lady. Howard kept it going by talking to Rachel as Wanda. Ben had Howard and the guys laughing at some of his lines as Obama.
Howard talked to Ben as Ben who is a radio guy in Phoenix on KNIX. He said that they let him come there to do the contest today. Howard asked if his impressions make their way onto the air. Ben said they absolutely do. He said he also does a President Bush impression. He did some of that impression for Howard and he had some good material. Howard said Ben has been on the air for 20 years.
Howard said this contest is very difficult so far. Gary said Ben does a good Morgan Freeman too. Ben did some of that impression too. Ben had them cracking up with that impression too. Howard talked to Ben as Morgan Freeman for a short time. Ben also broke into an impression of David Lee Roth. Howard said he loves when David is in Van Halen and he asked him why they can't get along. David told Howard how they're all there to just ride the rainbow. He was rambling like the real David.
Howard said Ben has shown off today. He said he had to keep up with Rachel. Howard then moved on to Jay who does environmental work. He entered the contest with an impression of Norm MacDonald. He broke into the impression and did that for a short time. Howard spoke to Jay as Norm and he kept that going for a short time. He had Howard laughing at his Ronnie material. Jay had a lot of material about Ronnie and how he's talking about banging that ''old Jew broad'' Lisa G when just a few weeks ago he was going to get a blow job from some gay guy.
Howard asked Ben, as Obama, if he likes Ronnie. He said Ronnie picked him up last night. Rachel did some of her Debbie the Pet Lady impression and went off on Ronnie about the way he treats her. Jay did more of his Norm impression and talked about that show ''GEEKTIME'' and the celebrity A-list interviews they do over there. He said he's a big fan of the Howard Stern Show. He had some funny stuff about that too.
Howard said Norm has said it all. Norm said he's said about 1/16th of what these other assholes have said. He said maybe they can bring out Jimmy Fallon to do some impressions too.
Jay does an impression of Gary Busey too. He did some of that for Howard and had some good material for that one too. He also does Al Pacino and asked where Craig Gass is. He had some material for that character too. Howard asked if he does Dice as well. Jay did some of his Dice impression for Howard. He had material for that too. He and Rosie went at it for a short time. Then Ben got in on that with his Obama impression.
Jay did more of his Norm impression and his material was just like the stuff Norm would do. Howard talked to Rachel as Wanda again and then Ben asked for a cigarette as Obama. He asked where Scott the Engineer was. Howard said they're all incredible. Howard said they have a $5,000 grand prize for the winner thanks to Avion Tequila. Howard said he's having a hard time with the vote. Howard said they're all great. Howard said Jay looked like a shlub and then he exploded. Gary said the hard thing is that they all have material. He said most of the time they don't have material.
Howard said they have to get down to judging. Robin said she has to think about her vote. She said she understands why the judges need time to think. Howard said he has to go last. He said he's burned out from his other judging job. Robin said the man who is chomping at the bit is Gary Dell'Abate. Gary said all of them were top notch. He said Jay had to go last so he has to give it to him and he stepped it up. Gary said he has a sliver of what makes the difference. He said Ben did his Obama and so many people do it and no one does it well. He said that's his winner. He said Ben did it very well. Jay thanked Gary for saying he's voting for Ben but also for Rachel and Jay.
Howard asked Jay what he does for a living. He said he would like to do sketch comedy but he does environmental stuff to save animals and things. He said he works out of his home with that business.
Howard said JD is their next judge. Howard said all three were very good. JD said they were all wonderful impressions and he would look away to hear the voices without seeing them. Howard said Jay was also in the fan contest as Big Foot. Howard said he lost to Rachel in that one. Howard asked Jay, as Big Foot, how he's doing. He said he's not doing well. He said he has scabies and he's overrun with silverfish in his apartment. Rachel did her Underdog Lady voice and talked to Big Foot.
Howard got back to JD and asked for his vote. JD said he loved Jay and his Dice. He said it was between Rachel and Ben for him though. He said he has to give the win to Ben's Obama. He said he sounded almost exactly like Obama.
Howard said that you have to be decisive with the vote. Howard said he thinks that all three of them should get 5 grand. Howard said Ronnie should grab them for the block party. Gary said he's sure he's got them in mind.
Howard asked Fred what he thinks. Fred said Rachel brought her A game and her cleavage. He said Jay did a good Norm and also had material. He said that Rachel has good material too. He said the gold standard goes to the guy who looks like Newt Gingrich with AIDS. He gave his vote to Ben for his Obama impression.
Howard said Ben has gotten 3 votes already so Ben has won already. Jay said he guesses he'll be drinking tequila later on. Howard said Ben won in a landslide. Howard said he won $5,000. Rachel said it was anticlimactic.
Howard said he didn't know what he was going to do. He said he thinks Rachel is mind blowing. Howard said that all three were great and he's glad he didn't have to make a choice. Jay told him to make Sophie's choice. Howard said he'd kill all three of them.
Howard said he thinks that he would have voted for Rachel but the other two were amazing. Robin said she was going to vote for Ben.
Howard said Jay and Rachel won $500 from Avion (TequilaAvion.com). Howard said Ken Austin is there with the prize for Ben. Howard asked Ken who came up with the name of Avion. Ken said he did and he knew that Howard wouldn't be able to say it and he'd have to say it over and over again to get it right. Howard asked how they get their unique taste in their tequila. Ken told Howard about it and Howard got bored quickly.
Jay did his Dice impression and said he's going to have to drink 6 bottles of this shit to get over losing this contest.
Ken brought a woman in with him and she's the president of the company. Howard said she's extremely beautiful. He tried to talk to her but he had problems with the microphone. He eventually got it to work and spoke to Jennifer for a short time about how Avion is doing.
Howard had Ken present the check to President Obama. Ken did his thing and congratulated all of them. He said that he thought they were all amazing and he does feel guilty. He said he's had a lot of guilt in his life so what he wants to do is give the other two an extra $1,000. He said that might come out of his pocket though. Rachel and Jay thanked him for that.
Howard said that he thanks them for sponsoring them like that because it brings out so much good in the fans. Howard said the fans are very loyal to the people who support the show. Howard said the sponsors have made it possible to keep going all these years. Howard thanked everyone and then went to break.
Howard came back and had Robin get to her news after Fred played the True Blood parody ''I Wanna Lick You Where You Poo'' about Robin. Fred also played some of Beetlejuice's laugh that they caught yesterday. Howard said his laugh seems to have gotten higher. Fred said he'd try to find some older laughs to hear if it got higher.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she's been listening since 1996 and this is her first time calling in. Howard had Fred play the duck quacking sounds. He asked if she wanted to know what that meant. She said no but Howard told her she just lost out on something big. She said she wanted to know and Howard gave her $1,000 for being a first time caller.
The caller, Elise, said Howard sounds sexier on the phone. She said that they agree with Howard on just about every thing he's said about the contestants other than Turf. Howard said he has been saying that Elusive is better than Turf but last night he let him down. Elise said she doesn't see how Turf could make it. She said he grosses them out. Howard said when he dances slow and glides on the stage it's incredible. Howard said he's able to hold your attention. Howard said he thinks he could be part of a headlining act. Howard said he told Turf that there's this group called Unity In Motion that's coming up soon. He said they do all of the moves that the other dancers do. He said they all have to wise up and watch out for this group.
Robin said the street dancers don't understand how much talent there is out there. Howard said Turf has to go up against all of these people. He said he's warned him about that. He said America's judge has spoken.
Howard let Elise go a short time later. He had to put her on hold to get her info for the $1,000. Howard said she didn't even sound like she needed that money. Robin said she'd take $1,000. Howard said Robin has a TV that comes up out of her radiator. Howard said it's fascinating. Robin said that TV is one of the original plasma TVs.
Howard asked Robin what she has in the news. Robin said she has a story about Halle Berry and how she fell during a movie shoot in Los Angeles yesterday. Robin said TMZ reports she fell on concrete and hurt her head. That led to Howard and Robin talking about how fucked up she must be for so many guys to cheat on her and leave her. Fred said she must be really annoying if they're doing that.
Robin read some news about Jeremy Lin leaving the New York Knicks. Howard said they were just having Linsanity a few weeks ago. That led to them talking about Jason Kidd getting arrested for DUI. Howard said he doesn't understand that. Howard said you just have to say no if you're driving. Howard said he's able to do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw a great tribute to Bianca that he may want to check out. He also had a copy of a magazine where they have the best TV judges and Howard is on the cover. Howard said no one can find that magazine. The caller said the name of it is ''The World's Greatest Judges of All Time.'' Howard said should just print out a copy of his own.
The caller said it's his birthday today and he'd like all of them to go fuck himself. Howard said he won't say that but he will wish him a happy birthday. Howard let him go a short time later.
Robin read some details about Kerry Kennedy and how she's saying that her doctors are saying she may have had a partial seizure when she crashed her car. Robin said they say that she doesn't have much of a memory of what happened to her. They did a Breathalyzer test and didn't find her to be under the influence. Robin had some audio of Kennedy talking about all of that. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Howard said he just remembered that Nick Canon mentioned that some hot chick DJ is going to be on AGT tonight. He said he hopes that Ronnie stays out of her dressing room. Howard said he's not sure who she is but he may have to go introduce him as America's Top Judge. Howard said he heard that they're working on some behind the scenes stuff there and he told one of the guys that he should yell out ''America's favorite judge is entering the room'' when he comes in. Howard said this guy, Harv, does it every time he goes into the room. He said last night they were doing press and he walked in and heard Harv say ''America's favorite judge is entering the room!'' Howard said he kind of likes it but he forgot that he told him to do that.
Howard said they shoot a lot of stuff for the show that they don't use. Howard said they will shoot him for an hour and then they don't use any of it. Howard said they thought he was being very negative last night. Howard said he was just giving his opinion. He said they thought that he could say things more diplomatically though. Howard said he's not sure how to do that. Howard said that he was told he could talk for a full minute. He said he loves that.
JD told Howard the name of the DJ tonight is named Havana Brown. He said she does look like a piece of ass too. Howard goofed on him about something he said about how he might like her if he talks to her. JD came right back when they showed some pictures of her. They spent a minute looking at her and talking about how hot she is.
Howard said he likes it when they throw it to him on AGT. He said he had a full minute to talk without stopping. He said he was barely getting started after a minute.
Robin read a story about Michael Vick writing an autobiography. Robin said he spent some time in jail on dog fighting charges. Robin said he was on the Today show yesterday talking about that. Robin had some audio from the interview. Howard said he can tell already that he didn't write that book himself. He said he must have had a whole team writing it.
Robin read a story about a pilot who tried to steal a jet and then killed himself in the cockpit. Robin had some audio of an official talking about the incident. Howard said a lot of pilots are going nuts. Robin said that this guy had been a pilot since 2005 and he was wanted in the stabbing of his girlfriend last week. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about the woman who lost her hands and feet to a flesh eating bacteria. Robin had some audio of her dad talking about how she's been able to get into her own wheelchair. Howard asked how this happens. Howard said if he gets that he's just giving up. Robin said there are super bugs out there that are resistant to drugs. Howard said this is why he won't shake anyone's hand. Robin said that she's being fitted for prosthetics and they're giving her space at home to move around on her own when she's released from rehab in a few weeks. Robin said she lost one leg and a foot and both hands. Howard said that's horrible. He said we have enough to deal with. He said we're so fragile. He said we're fragile yet resilient. Howard said he wouldn't have a positive attitude about something like that. Robin said we haven't heard much about the woman who walked into the propeller of that airplane. Howard said he'd become a raging alcoholic if he did that.
Robin read about President Clinton visiting Nelson Mandella on his 94th birthday. Robin had some audio of Clinton talking about that.
Robin read about a 2 year old who shot himself in the head. Robin said the kid found a 9mm handgun in his grandparent's home and shot himself. Robin had some audio of an official talking about what happened. They say that the child was found with the gunshot wound to the head. Robin said that the 2 year old is going to find something to do if you don't keep an eye on them. Howard read another live commercial after that.
The commercial Howard read was for a dog product and he said that would have been a perfect gift up until yesterday. Howard said he's not sure if he'll get another dog. He said it's too soon. Robin said she lost 3 cats in one year. Howard said she's stronger than he is.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they noticed that Howard had orange tanner on his face that didn't match up. Howard said that he doesn't wear tanner. He said he had make up on but it was the same as his skin tone. The caller said Howie's hands looked really white. Howard said they put make up on his hand. Howard said you're supposed to watch the talent and not look at his face and hands.
Robin said they found some needles in some food served on Delta Airlines. Robin said they found them on 4 flights and they were probably from a disgruntled worker and not a terrorist plot.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she has a quick F, Marry, Kill for him. She had Lisa G, Mariann and Tracey. Howard said he's burned out and can't answer that. She asked if she could get AGT tickets. Howard asked where she lives. She said she's out in California. Gary said they'll take her number. He said he can't open the floodgates. He said you should be able to get them on the web site no problem. Howard said that site is MyAGTTickets.com
Robin read a story about a study that was done that found a link between the use of computers and mental disorders. Howard said that's some study.
Robin read about a weight loss drug that was just approved by the FDA. Howard wondered what happened to willpower. Robin said these people apparently don't have it. Howard said if you buy tight fitting clothes then you'll have to lose the weight. Howard said that's how he does it. He buys tight clothes and then loses weight. Howard said what he eats makes him thin. Robin said that's true until it's making him fat. Howard told her not to bring that up.
Robin read about a group that's saying that President Obama's birth certificate is definitely fraudulent. Howard said he doesn't get why they care. He said they should just drop it.
Robin read about people who want the Joe Paterno statue taken down at Penn State.
Robin said that people want Mitt Romney to release his tax returns. Howard said people want to nag him about stuff and they're looking wherever they can. Howard said it's like the President's birth certificate. Robin said they want to find out if he has hidden accounts off shore so he's not taxed there in the United States. Howard said that would be kind of cool to find.
Robin read about someone who was cited for something 169 times. Robin said the man is in Brooklyn and he was arrested for the 169th time for groping a woman on a train. Robin said that most of the other arrests were for minor offenses.
Robin read about John Sununu saying something about President Obama and having to retract it and explain himself. He said something about how he has to learn to be an American.
Robin said that the bus driver who caught the 7 year old girl. who fell from an outdoor air conditioner, met with the mother and child he saved. Robin had some audio of the guy talking about that.
Robin said that this guy Dan Cathy, the president of Chick-Fil-A, has come forward and said that he is anti-gay. Robin said that they're very into the family thing and they are all married to their first wives. Howard said he would never go to a Chick-Fil-A based on that but there doesn't seem to be any around there anyway. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:30am.
Jon and Gary talked about Bianca dying and how sad that was. Gary said that everyone in the house hugged their dog after Howard asked everyone to do that on Twitter. Gary said his family was upset and Howard had some moments this morning where he had to recover and he gets it.
Jon said she was almost a child to them. Gary said he still almost got yelled at this morning. He said he tried to tell Howard that he tried to tell him that the dog wouldn't be mad at him for not greeting her in the closet the other day. He said Howard almost yelled at him then.
Gary said that he knows that day is coming for him eventually too. He's not sure how Howard is going to handle that with him if he comes to work a mess.
Gary said his son thought it would be sad if Howard mentioned the dog on AGT last night. Jon said maybe he'll bring it up tonight on AGT since they do have a dog act coming on to show what it can do.
Jon said that JD wasn't able to decide whether to stand or sit. JD said he didn't know where they wanted him to be. He said he didn't want to be in there at all but he did it because they asked him to. JD said he had a lot going on in his head. He said he was fine sitting.
Jon asked JD if he enjoyed the competition. JD said he did. Jon said he thinks everyone did. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said that begat a conversation about a Howard-Con and how Richard and Sal were throwing out obscure names for the Con. Jon said it may not be that hard to pull off. Richard said they were howling with laughter when Howard would mention a name like Neil Berliner. Gary said he's going to go as Dick Bag. He was the chief engineer they spoke to back in like 1986.
Jon asked what was making the list of names. Will said he was putting up some crazy stuff. Richard said he put up Richie Beilenson the installer to the stars. Gary said that's too soon. They need names from the 80s. Gary said they could do this thing because they have done things like this in the past. Will said that when the show ends they will have all kinds of things like this going on. Will said that he thinks that Scott would be going to things like this.
Gary said if they have no Howard at these events then who is the William Shatner of the event. They figured maybe Robin or Fred. Gary said that Fred is hard to get so it would probably be hard to get his autograph for something like this.
Gary said he will be part of the VIP package where you'll get to spend a short time with him for extra money. He said they could hold it right there at the Javits center in New York City.
Gary said he wonders what it would be like for the lower level people on the show and if anyone will care about Sal and Richard or Baba Booey. He said Star Trek has gone on for 40 years and he's not sure if Captain Pike makes a living off of it. Jon said it would be very interesting to see.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he'd go as Dr. Remulak. Gary said that's a good one but no one knows what he looks like. Gary said it could still be done. The guys threw out a bunch of other obscure references for the Con.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he would go to a convention like this. He said he would go as Grandpa Al Lewis or Kurt Waldheim. Gary said that one would be a brave idea. The caller said that one would be way out there.
The caller said he's surprised that some fan hasn't done it yet. Richard said he would like to go as OJ Mask with a mask of Neil under it. Neil was the guy who played the OJ mask.
Shuli said they could do that down in Jamaica for the Ronnie's Block Party thing. He said they could do it there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he just got out of divorce court. He said Cookie Puss is a good one but he would like to go as Mr. Methane. Gary said that would be great. Richard said he'd like to go as KC Armstrong's poster or the photographer. Gary said he could go as KC's parole officer.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Gary was spot on about the impression contest today. He said that they were all very funny and they did great impressions. Gary said that guy Jay had good material and he was angry too. He said he came out of the box angry and it was a great angle to take when he said that the other two had gone on for so long.
Will said he thought the Obama impression was eerie. He said that it was the best out of the bunch. Gary said he thought the Wanda Sykes impression was great. Shuli said that her Underdog was spot on too.
Jon said that he thought Rachel might have been chiming in too much. Gary said he didn't think so. He said that the Obama was just so good that it was a winner for him. They went to break a short time later.
Gary said that Russell probably spoke more about Katy Perry today than he has on any other show. He said the fall out of that might be that they get more questions in interviews about that. He said they only had him for 30 minutes but they got more than 47 minutes. He said that he'd like to know where he was supposed to call next. He said it was probably some small market in the mid west.
Sal came in to talk about Howard and how he held it together today about Bianca. Sal said he wouldn't have been surprised if he called in sick today. Gary said it's not that much to call in sick for. Sal said maybe it's because of the ''Wah'' factor about the fans giving him a ''Wah.''
Gary said he thinks that it's part of Howard's work ethic to come to work even after his dog dies. He said he was upset about it though. Gary said he was surprised at how much Howard thinks about the audience getting upset with him or goofing on him. Gary said that some people would break his balls about it but a lot more would find it to be a human element. JD said the bashers may be few but you hear them the most. Jon said that's a good point.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he has a good idea for the Howard-Con. He said he would dress up as Benjy and he'd show up late and not be funny for anyone. Gary said he'd like to dress up as Benjy at the Christmas party last year. He said he had a weird outfit on. JD said he'd go as Goth Benjy. Jon said there are a lot of options for going as Benjy.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he lost his dog and it brought back memories this morning. He said Howard is really a good man. He said he thinks he's just a good guy and he felt for him today. He thought it was great that he shared it with everyone today. He said that persona is coming through more and more on the show. He also thinks that he should have fired Benjy.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked how many people Howard has made fun of crying. He said if he did it then he'd have to go back and apologize. Gary said that he's made fun of people crying over some crazy things. He said that Jimmy Kimmel cried over John Ritter. He wondered if Jimmy would goof on Howard about that. Gary said they have made fun of people like Mike Schmidt crying. Will said they made fun of that guy at the wrestling convention. Jon said Howard did get choked up a few times this morning. Gary said that was very real too.
Jon said that Howard has been this kind of guy for a while now. Gary said he thinks a lot of things changed for him when he met Beth. He said he fell in love with her and she's a very good person and it has rubbed off on him. Gary said he thinks that she's helped him express that.
Jon asked Sal how he deals with being apart from his wife. Sal said that he's going to be with her a long time and it's good to take some time apart once in a while. He said eventually he's going to be stuck with her. JD was laughing about that. Will asked what he misses about her. Sal chuckled and asked Will what he misses about his wife. Sal said his wife is a great mother and she's beautiful. He said things are good right now. He said things are on the upswing. Will asked if that translates into more sex. Sal said that they she was reading 50 Shades of Gray and he was plowing her like a porn star. He said that ended when the books were done.
Jon wrapped up and ended the show a short time later. They were done at 11:15am.
Summer Vacation Is Over, Howard Returns Live. 07/19/04. 6:00am
Howard and the rest of the guys returned live today after a 2 week long summer vacation. Howard started off the show saying that his equipment sounded good for some reason and maybe they worked on it while he was away. Robin said he was sounding good today after he told her that he didn't exercise for two weeks and he wasn't worn out this morning. He said he was sick the first week of his vacation with a cold. He said he'd rather be sick on vacation than sick on the air. He and Robin then talked about how cool it was during their vacation over the past couple of weeks.
Howard stayed out in The Hamptons during his vacation and talked about running into Fred at dinner one night out there. They just said hello to each other and went their separate ways. Howard had some bad experiences out in The Hamptons but he wasn't sure if he could talk about them before calming himself down first. He said that he has to calm down before he can talk about it rationally.
Howard told Robin about how he tried to have Gary out there to visit but he was busy the whole time. He said a few people celebrated a birthdays over the vacation as well. KC, Fred and Anne Marie all celebrated their birthdays over vacation.
Howard has been reading a book lately that Fred might like. It's a book by Jacob Slichter, the drummer from the band Semisonic, called ''So You Wanna Be a Rock & Roll Star: How I Machine-Gunned a Roomful of Record Executives and Other True Tales from a Drummer's Life'' and it's a really interesting read to him. He said the guy might be talking about him in the book but he doesn't mention him by name. He said the book is really interesting and funny and he can't put it down.
Howard said he got wood the other day while walking down the street in The Hamptons. He wondered if the other guys have ever gotten wood in strange places. Artie said he's gotten wood at a baseball game. Howard then went on to talk about how he was just walking down the street with Beth when he sported the wood. He said he had to cover up his wood with the shopping bag he was carrying. He had to ask Beth not to talk to him or touch him and he'd be fine. He said he's really turned on by her and her voice so he had to avoid that to get his wood to go away. Howard told the guys that he gets horny during the show all the time and he's constantly squeezing and manipulating himself throughout the show. Gary came in and asked if he's kidding when he talks about being aroused during the show all the time. Howard said he's not kidding and he's always got wood while he's doing it.
Howard was talking about how he would have to hunch over like the hunchback of Notre Dame when he was in high school and had to go up to the blackboard in class with a boner. He cut himself off a short time later and made a big deal out of the fact that he's back in a bunch of markets that he was taken off in a few months ago. He had Fred playing some special music to make the announcements but got sidetracked when he played some super hero music and started talking like he was Fart Man. He talked about how great that movie would have done if he had ever completed it. He said all of these super hero movies are doing really well and that one would have been great as well. He and Artie created a new script called Doody Man where Howard was the super hero and Artie was playing the part of Commissioner Takei.
Update: Who Wants To Marry A Porn Star. 7/19/00. 7:10am
A few weeks ago porn star Madelyn Night came in to marry a listener. They had a contest and the winner was this guy Walter. They had the ceremony on the air and the two of them had to go to City Hall to finalize the marriage. This morning Madelyn came in and Howard had some bad news. The two of them have put off signing the papers! Walter found out that the city gives couples 60 days to sign the papers so he decided to put it off to get to know Madelyn better. This pissed off Howard because the guy agreed to get married to her that day. Howard got him on the phone and asked him what was going on. For the next few minutes Walter argued with Howard and Gary about the whole thing. They called Walter a liar for coming on the show and wasting their time. Walter got very defensive and yelled at them for no good reason. He said that the City gives him 60 days to decide and he's going to use that time to get to know Madelyn. After yelling and screaming for a few minutes Walter finally calmed down and admitted that he'd wasted their time. He apologized and said that he still ''blames the city'' for the whole thing because of the 60 day thing.
Howard decided that Walter is now out of it and they have to play a whole new game with Madelyn. Howard is thinking of going to Las Vegas to play the game so that the winner and Madelyn will be able to get married immediately. That might be happening in the near future.
Doug Goodstein from E! came in and said that the two of them decided to put off the wedding the Friday that Howard was going on vacation. He was shooting them at this restaurant and the put it off for a short time. Then they were going to get married yesterday but Doug didn't have enough notice to get a camera there so it was put off again. After this morning though, it's off all together. The ''Who Wants to Marry a Porn Star'' show airs on E! tonight but it doesn't have a happy ending. You can find out more about Madelyn Night at MadelynNight.com
Howard Comments On John F. Kennedy Jr.'s Disappearance. 7/19/99. 6:15am
Howard spent a good part of the morning talking about the news of John F. Kennedy Jr.'s disappearance this weekend. Howard told Robin that he was saddened by the news because he knew John and his wife Carolyn. He said he'd run into them once in a while and thought that Carolyn was a really great person. He called her a beautiful person and not just in her appearance but her personality. Howard spoke about the time that John Jr. Sent him a hand written letter asking him to do the cover of his magazine George. Howard thought that was really cool of him to do that since Howard used to goof on him and his family constantly. It showed Jr.'s good sense of humor.
Captain Janks Strikes During Kennedy Crisis. 7/19/99. 6:40am
Phony phone caller Captain Janks struck again during this weekend's news coverage of John F. Kennedy Jr.'s disappearance. Janks called in with tape of his calls this morning. Janks said that this were the easiest calls he's ever made. The first call he made was to Dan Rather on CBS news. He called in as U.S. Coast Guard Lieutenant Ed Gaynor. Janks got on and told Dan that they'd found some debris that was consistent with that of the type of plane Kennedy was flying. He then went on to say that they also found Baba Booey's teeth and Howard Stern. His comments went right over Rather's head and he asked Janks a question. By then the producers had cut off Janks. Rather kept going on about how this was a big development in the disappearance. It took another CBS reporter to tell Dan about the prank. Even after that Rather still didn't get it. It took him a couple of minutes to get it through his head that it was a phony phone call. Janks also had tape of his call to ABC's Peter Jennings. Janks got right to his punch line with Jennings. He told him that Howard Stern thinks he's a dick. Jennings quickly went on to say that this ''happens on every crisis in America. Someone representing disc jockey Howard Stern gets through..'' and it passes. Janks also made a call to MSNBC but didn't get it on tape. On that call he said he told some female reporter that Howard thinks she's a whore. Howard took phone calls from listeners who wanted to talk about Janks' pranks. Most of the calls were against what Janks did although there were a few people who found it funny. Melrose Larry Green was one who doesn't find it funny. He called in and yelled at Janks for doing this. He said that Janks embarrasses him. Janks pointed out that Melrose stands on street corners wearing big signs with Howard's name on them.. How could he be embarrassed by Janks? King of all Blacks called in and told Janks that he found the call hilarious. I have to admit that I saw the CBS call live and it cracked me up so I'm with King of all Blacks on this one. If you want to hear the calls yourself head over to www.captainjanks.com
In the clip Robin was reading about Ted Kennedy and the Chappaquiddick accident and how he left a girl there to die in the water after driving off a bridge. It was the anniversary of the incident. That led to Howard doing his Kennedy impression. Howard talked about what it was like the day Ted talked about the accident.
Gary came in and said that Kennedy had to give a statement and he didn't show up until 12 hours later. Gary said they told him to write down what happened instead of taking a statement. He said they let him take as much time as he needed. He said they didn't interrogate him. Howard said OJ just asked for his trial to be moved to Chappaquiddick.
Gary said he read about how Ted went back to the party he had come from and got some of his buddies to come along with him to see if they could find the car. Gary said they say that Ted sat on the dock rocking back and forth while his friends went in the water trying to save the girl. Robin said Ted claims he did try to save her by jumping in and he almost drown. Gary said they say that he could have possibly saved the girl if he had actually tried. She may have gotten into an air pocket.
Gary went through what he knew about the story. Howard and Billy West were making drowning sounds and things like that. Gary said they say that Ted ended up having breakfast the next morning before he went to the cops. His friends were trying to get him to go to the cops immediately but he had breakfast first. His friends had to smack him into reality.
Howard had some audio clips of Ted Kennedy talking about the incident around the time it happened. Robin had Howard play those clips. Howard and Billy were goofing on the cops from the Martha's Vineyard area. Billy was doing his Barney Fife impression as if he was one of the cops that handled the case.
Howard went through more of the audio and goofed on Ted as they were playing. Howard did his impression of Ted and talked about the incident. Robin had a bunch of clips that Howard went through. They were goofing on Ted through most of it.
In the clip Howard was talking to Robin about his new boss Randy Bongarten. He said he's one of ''his people'' since he's Jewish. Howard said he doesn't even know this guy and he's going to come in there and boss him around. Howard said he can't believe that. Howard said it's fine when Pig Virus does it. Howard said this new guy is from GE Broadcasting and they're getting out of the business.
Howard said there's an article in the newspaper about Randy and they say that he doesn't see any changes coming for the station. Howard said they always say that. He said he thinks he'll fire at least 2 DJs. Howard said maybe they'll get rid of Bee-Bee or Johnny Dark. Howard said they won't get rid of Imus. Robin said Howard could be on the list.
Howard read the article and goofed on what Randy was saying about his new job. Howard said he wants to maintain and improve the station. Howard jokingly said that Randy said Howard Stern is his favorite DJ. Howard said they're looking forward to him coming in next week. They even had a jingle for him as they went into a song.
After an edited out break Howard came back and talked more about Randy. Howard said this was from Broadcast Week. He read the article and said he can tell the guy is going to hate his guts. He can tell already. Howard went through more of the article and said he has met him and he thinks he'll get along with him. Howard gave a rundown of the other stations he's worked at and goofed on some of those jobs.
Riley Martin Pissed At Richard, Howard And Robin. 07/19/06. 10:05am
Howard read some e-mail before Robin got into her news stories. There was some feedback about the Artie and Dice argument that went on late in yesterday's show. Howard read through some of that stuff and then took a call from Riley Martin. Howard told him that the counted the number of times he said ''Uhhh'' on his show last night. Riley said that was very nice and maybe they should count how many times Robin kisses Howard's ass.
Riley complained that someone called his house during his show last night and insulted his wife. Riley said that he has crossed the line if they did make the call. Richard Christy came in and said that he didn't make a call to her and he would never insult someone like that. Riley was very upset that someone insulted his wife that way.
Evil Dave Letterman asked Riley what Alien dick tastes like. Riley ignored that and said that if Richard did make this prank call, he will make sure they suffer the same. He said he was on the air when this happened. Everyone knew he was on the air because it was live.
Riley said he's going to put this on Howard and Robin if Richard will not take responsibility for it. Howard said that no one there did it as far as he knows. He said that they didn't make the call so Riley went nuts and said that's bullshit and calling his house is crossing the line. Riley refused to believe that it wasn't them. He thinks that Richard is the one who did it even though Richard swore it wasn't him.
Riley, in a very angry voice, told Howard not to call his house. Howard was laughing and Robin wondered what they could do to make him believe that it wasn't them. Richard said he did not make that call and he swore on his mother and father's lives that he didn't do it. Riley still didn't believe it so he told them not to fuck with his family... ever. Robin said that if he gets another call, it's not them.
Howard said he had no idea that Riley was even married so he asked him how long he's had her hidden away. Riley asked Howard how long he was with his wife before she left his ass. Howard said he didn't mean that as an insult. He was asking him how long he's been with her. Riley said his wife is not in show biz. Howard said he didn't know he was married, that's all he's saying. Robin thought that he was into her so she didn't know he was married. Riley said that he used to be into Robin but now he wouldn't fuck her with Artie's dick.
Riley said he has cheated on his wife in the past but he's past that now and he's spending that time trying to save the people on Earth. Riley still doesn't believe that it wasn't someone from the show who made the call to his home. Richard said he knows it wasn't him and it wasn't Sal so they're not sure who it is. Riley insists that they are the only ones who have his number though.
Howard asked Riley about the complaints he had on his show last night. Riley said that he has gotten paid in part but his employees have not been paid. Gary told Howard that he heard from one of the guys that Curtis, Riley's partner, has to submit some invoices to get paid. Tim Sabean came in and said that they did pay Riley a week ago and they're waiting for stuff from Curtis to get him paid. Gary heard that Curtis did hand in his stuff last night and they will get him paid.
Tim Sabean claims that Riley is paid up to date. Gary told Howard he heard that Riley just yells at his staff during the show if they don't get things just right. Riley said that may be the case. He said he really needs to stay alive and get paid so he wants them to do the right thing. He does love them there but if he can't get paid, he may take his show elsewhere. Howard asked Riley if anyone else has approached him to do a show. Howard said he actually did hear that he was approached by the ''Who Gives a Shit'' channel to do a show.
Howard told Riley that he's surprised at this whole thing. Riley said that he will ferret out the person who made the prank call to his house and he knows it was someone on Howard's show. He asked Howard to do the right thing and he will do him proud. He believes he will be a valuable asset if they keep him on. Howard told Riley that the channels do bear his name but they are owned by SIRIUS who actually pay the employees. If he feels he's underpaid, he can leave if he wants.
Howard told Riley that they like him and they don't want him to leave, but if he wants to leave, that's his right. He asked him what he really wants to do his show. Riley didn't want to talk about that on the air. He wants to talk in private about that. He said he does get paid to do the show but he is not paid for parking or travel expenses. Tim asked Riley why he would go on the air and say that he hadn't been paid if he has, in fact, been paid. Riley said his staff haven't been paid and that's what he's talking about.
Howard said that there is no one else out there paying him so he shouldn't be complaining about how much he gets. He asked Riley what his last job was. Riley said his last job was keeping a nuclear bomb from exploding over Tel Aviv ''you fucking idiot.'' Riley said that there are people that he could call that would nullify the whole satellite radio industry if he wanted to. Robin challenged him to go ahead and do it.
Richard said he wants Riley to apologize to him when he finds out that it wasn't him who made that prank call to his house. Riley apologized and said that if it wasn't him, he's sorry, but if it was him, he will hunt him down. Howard was still insisting that they didn't make that call to him so he's not sure where this is coming from.
Riley was talking about how he could live off of the interest on the money that Howard gets paid from SIRIUS. Howard told him to stop bringing up his money because it has nothing to do with what he gets paid. Howard told him that he's lucky that he doesn't charge him to do that show there. Ralph had called in and said that Riley showed up about 2 minutes before the show was to start and it may have been some kind of negotiating tool. Riley said that he got stuck in traffic because it's tough to get into the city.
Howard said he had to get going but Ralph wanted him to keep this up. Richard asked Riley if he had been drinking this morning. Riley said he had not but it was none of their business if he was. Howard told Riley that Tim would call him later and do some negotiations with him. Riley told Howard he's got better things to do than to talk to the ''golden Jew'' Howard Stern. Howard told Riley that he can quit if he wants. He let him off the phone a short time later.
Howard said he wants to change the names of his channels so his name isn't associated with them because he has to go through this stuff with Riley. Evil Dave jokingly said they have to call Riley's wife again tonight but Howard told him to stop with that because Riley will believe they actually did call her. Richard swore once again that he didn't make that call. Howard said he believes him.
In the clip Howard was talking to Gay Rich about his last day there and how he has a problem with Scott DePace. Rich thinks that he's homophobic. Howard called DePace in there and talked to him about possibly being homophobic. Scott came in and said that he doesn't have a problem with gays. Howard said he's always complaining about the gays. Howard said Scott looks pretty gay himself. He said he looks as gay as Chaunce. Someone called him the Gay Riddler.
Rich said that Scott is the one who made out with the tranny. Scott said he was drunk. Howard said Scott can't even talk to Gay Rich. Scott said he can too and said hi to him.
Howard let Scott and Rich go back and forth arguing for a short time. Scott kept saying he has no problem with gay people. Rich said he can come into the room and have a 20 minute conversation with John and he won't even acknowledge he's in there. Scott said that's because he's in there to talk to John. Howard encouraged Scott to just call Rich a fag.
Howard said gays are one group of people that any family can have. He said he has gay people in his family and he wants them to have a full family and life. Scott said he has no problem with that. Howard told Rich to hug him goodbye. Scott said if he grabs him he'll kill him. Howard said Scott was aroused after he got the hug.
Rich asked Scott what he would do if his son told him he was gay. Scott said it would be tough. He said he wants his kid to be normal. Rich asked who made him the arbiter of normal. Howard said as long as the kid is happy then let him go for it.
Ralph came in and went off on Scott too. He said something must have happened to him to have so much hate. Howard told Ralph to shut up. He said he gets in there and he can't get rid of him. Howard wished Rich the best and wrapped up the discussion a short time later.
In the clip Howard said he had an article about masturbation and they have a ''cure'' for it. Howard said that it's a Mormon thing. Howard read the article and said they never really say masturbation in it. He said they call it a ''problem.'' Howard said you have to want to cure yourself. He said they tell you to never touch yourself in that area unless it's in a toilet process. He said they tell you not to be alone too much. They also tell you to never stay in the bath more than 5 or 6 minutes. Howard said they tell you to dress yourself so you can't touch your private parts.
Howard said he swears this is real. He said they really don't want you to touch yourself. Howard said they tell you to get out of the bed if you feel the urge to do something. They tell you to go to the kitchen and eat something. He said they tell you to pray like crazy too. Howard said this was in Details Magazine and they were goofing on it in there of course.
Howard said that they suggest singing a hymn to yourself if you feel the urge. Howard said he did it last night and thought about that mother and daughter pair they had in there the day before.
Howard asked Robin if she wanted more. Robin said she did so Howard read through more of the suggestions. He said they suggest thinking about disgusting things while you're doing the act. He said they suggest taking cool, brief showers. He said they tell you not to stay in bed in the mornings. Howard said when he was in college he never really did it. Howard said they're right with their suggestions. They can work.
Howard read about how the book of Mormon can help. He said they say in extreme cases they say it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame. Howard said that would involve someone tying your hand to the bed though. Howard said he'd need both hands tied if that was him. Howard said they say that this will give you a radiant glow and a feeling of fulfillment. Howard said that article was written by Mark E. Peterson. Howard said he's dead now. They wrapped up a short time later.
Various Stuff. 7/19/01. 6:05am
Howard brought up the sex tapes he played a couple of weeks back. They were the ones where the woman talks dirty on a CD so you can get off to them. Howard said they were okay but they kind of sucked but not really... Then he said that there's a lot of different ones out there. He had one called Trucker Fantasies. He held off playing it for a few minutes. He was wondering how and why you'd use them. He didn't think they'd be good to beat off to in your car because it's too hard to do in there. Artie said it's really not though. It's tough to do while driving but Ronnie the Limo Driver has done it. He told a story about a woman who flashed him and he got so horny that he had to beat one out. Stuttering John has also done it in his car. Ronnie said he used a fur lined glove to finish himself off in. He then threw it out the window. KC shared a story about just trying to pee in a Gatorade bottle when he had to pee one time. He ended up pissing all over himself and his seat because he experienced ''shrinkage'' because he had to pee so bad. Gary shared a story about getting oral while he drove. Artie took a dump on the side of the road but ended up getting it all over his clothes and back in the car. His buddies made him take his pants off but he still stunk like crap so he ended up walking around with no pants on. He said he was drunk at the time. Ronnie also told a story about another limo driver who used a box he had in his trunk to take a dump while he waited for one of his pick-ups.
Artie got back to his story and said he had to walk 5 blocks after crapping himself. He got home, figured out his wallet was in his pants and ended up breaking into his parents house. He banged his head on the sink as he broke in through the kitchen. Then he just laid down and fell asleep until his father found him the next morning... no pants, passed out on the floor with crap on his ass.
Ronnie then told a story about getting a bloody nose while pleasing his girlfriend in his car while they were having fun. He didn't realize he had the bloody nose because it was so dark in the car. He said the girl had blood all over her bright yellow dress and it was all over his car seat. He said it was his most embarrassing moment ever. Ronnie then told a story about hitting on a woman he saw in a car. He asked her out for drinks but when they found a place to go the woman got out with braces on her legs and big metal crutches. Ronnie took off as soon as he saw that getting out of the car.
In the clip Robin was talking about how she was caught in traffic while she was on vacation and she tried to get around the traffic by going down the shoulder. Robin said she had no idea how fast she was going either. She said the cop got behind her and pulled her over. Robin said she put her hands on her wheel and waited. She said the cop asked her for her information and she had left her registration in New York. Robin said he asked to see her license and she wasn't able to find it. Robin said she was shuffling through her stuff and wasn't able to find it. She said she had to take everything out and put it on the passenger seat. The cop was walking around looking in the car.
Robin said she finally found the license and the cop looks at it and he just says to her ''Okay Miss Quivers, the speed limit is 55. Drive safely.'' Robin said he let her go after that. Howard said he should have given her a ticket. Howard said it's just not right to drive on the shoulder. Robin said she's Robin Quivers and she has to get to where she's going. Howard and Jackie goofed on her for a short time.
Richard's Visit To Rocklahoma. 07/19/07. 7:55am
After the break we heard a prank call that the guys made using clips of George Takei's voice. Howard came back a short time later and said that he never played the clips from this Rocklahoma thing that Richard went to. Richard came in and said that the concert is nothing but 80s hair bands playing. He flew out there for the concert and brought a tape recorder with him.
Howard said that the guys in the clips sound similar to the Star Wars freaks out there like that Darth Nihilus guy. He played one clip of a guy that sounded a lot like Spicoli from ''Fast Times at Ridgemont High.'' The guy was telling Richard that he was ''ready to rawk dude'' and told Richard that he was all about Twisted Sister, Quiet Riot and other bands. He said that he's rockin 24 hours a day. Richard asked him a bunch of questions about rockin out all the time. Richard said it was a lot of fun out there.
Mike Gange went out there with Richard and said the dude looked like he was full of dust and dirt. Richard said the guy was having everyone sign his t-shirt and said that he wrote ''I Love Cock'' on the back of his shirt and later on some girls asked him about it. The guy had no idea it was there so Richard suggested that he change the C to an R so it says ''I Love Rock.''
Gange told Howard that Jim Florentine was dicking around with that guy too and tried to convince him to blow him to get in to meet the band Poison. Gange said Jim spent about an hour doing that to the guy.
Howard played another interview that Richard did and the guy was talking about some weird stuff. He was telling Richard about noodling which is where you go out and just grab blindly for catfish. Richard said he never did that because it's kind of scary to reach in and try to grab something you can't see. The guy told Richard that he was there to rock and roll and drink some cold beer. Howard said that guy sounds just like Ned from Bubba's show.
Howard asked if there were any hot chicks out there. Richard said there were some back stage but not too many out in the crowds. Howard said that Richard got on stage at one point and introduced Enuff Z Nuff and started yelling out to the audience that he wanted to have gay sex. He went on stage as Rod Stiffington. Richard said he was trying to do something different and goofy. He told the audience that he was a gay porn star and gave them a list of the movies he's been in.
Mike Gange said that they brought Richard up on stage and there were press people asking him questions as if he were really Rod Stiffington. Gange also told Howard that Richard got hammered before getting on the plane to fly out there to Oklahoma. Richard had 5 or six drinks before the flight and then 7 or 8 on the flight. Richard said he doesn't remember landing, which is the way he likes it. He said that the plane actually ran out of alcohol. Artie said that's never even happened to him.
Richard said the flight was really fun because he had a friend with him who was crazy. He had a zit on his forehead and he saw him go to the bathroom and after he was done, he went in and there was zit juice all over the mirror.
Richard said that he wants to black out on the flight so that's why he drinks so much. He was mixing Vodka and Tequila. Richard said he doesn't really want to black out but he doesn't want to be nervous. Artie said that it's disturbing how much he's doing it now. He said he won't be flying again until September so he won't be getting that drunk.
Gange said that Richard called him into the bathroom to see his cock. He said he was putting his penis up to the glass door in the shower and squishing it to show the guys. George was laughing and said he'd like to see something like that. He can't touch anything though. Richard said he could pull down his pants and leave his penis out for the rest of the interview. Richard did it and showed it to George. George said that he doesn't like to see it all squished so Richard stretched it out. Artie asked ''What are we doing!?''
Richard asked George if he's attracted to his balls. George said he had to watch what he said but he said that he was very well endowed. He gave a description of his penis and seemed to be impressed. Richard then bent over and showed him his butt hole. Gange said that this is what a weekend is like with Richard.
Richard said on his flight back he sat next to a lady on this 32 passenger jet and she was over 300 pounds. He said he couldn't move the whole flight and he thought there was some rule about people that big having to buy two seats. He said he was drinking a bunch on his way back and said that he had to climb over her to go to the bathroom because she wasn't able to get up. He said he had to get up 5 or 6 times to do that.
Howard said as long as Richard was in there he was going to play a new bit that he and Sal did. They did another Jack and Rod show where they interviewed an author of a book. They'd cut her off every time she'd try to talk telling her they had a band setting up in the studio. She'd start to talk about her book ''Pain Was My Middle Name'' and they'd play some guitar, drum or organ music as if there was a band setting up in there. Then they'd yell at the imaginary person setting up to stop for a few seconds.
Crazy Alice called in and sounded very happy this morning. She said that she'll be coming up to see them before the end of this year. She said she'll find some anger for them when she comes in. She asked Fred how he's doing and said hello to George. She was happy to hear that Brad was okay with him now. She said that he wasn't being sexual with Sal the other day so Brad should be able to get over it. Alice said that she'd like to go to a Yankee game when she comes out there. Artie said he'd take her and it would be fun. He said that it could be an official type of peace treaty. He said if they're still playing when she gets there, he'll take her. She won't be there until October 22nd so Artie told her that they'll have to be in the World Series for her to see them. If that happens, one of his cousins is going to be upset.
Alice told the guys that she likes women and Howard thought she was coming out of the closet. She's said that on the air before though. Howard had to go to break after that.
And Finally... Playboy Audition Chicks. 07/19/07. 10:20am
Robin said that they have a lot of people there with drug and/or alcohol problems and maybe someone should be talking about that. Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that High Pitch Eric is still in his apartment and he got a lawyer to do him a favor trying to keep him there. She said she knows that he's still there. Steve was the one saying that he was still there as far as he knew. Howard let her go and had Robin start her news.
Fred waited until Robin said a couple of words before he played a Robin news theme song. He played one of Richard Christy's song parodies called ''Round Brown Mounds.'' Robin was about to start but Fred threw in another song parody where Robin is moaning. George was laughing so much that Fred wanted to play another one for him. He said he sees that George really likes them so he had to play ''Black Tits.'' George asked how they can take this day after day. Robin told him they don't usually play 3 in a row like that.
Robin read through some news stories and Howard took a break. A short time later Howard came back and said that the Playboy channel there is doing auditions for Playboy and there are a ton of hot chicks out there in the lobby. Artie came back in and said that there are about a thousand hot chicks out there. He didn't know what was going on so he had to ask. They're basically doing what they do on the show and evaluating the girls. Howard asked Gary to bring in about five of the chicks so he could check them out.
Howard said that the girls out there are a gold mine of hotness. Artie told George he was going to have to sit through this after the thing he did with Sal's cock. George said that he can appreciate a beautiful woman so he was looking forward to this.
Howard had Robin do some more news while they waited for the hot chicks to come in. A short time later Gary brought in one of the hot chicks, Brein. Howard told her she'd probably get in because she was so hot. She's 28 years old. Artie let out a ''perfect'' in a low voice. Howard checked her out and said she was hot. She's a mother and a homemaker and Howard still liked her. He said that she's got to get in. Sal asked Howard to get her naked. She agreed to take her top off so Howard took what he could take. She took her top off and Artie said ''next'' when he found out she was married.
Gary said that Brein had some notes with her and said that she can appreciate beautiful women. Howard asked her if she's ever been with any chicks. She said that she has in the past and she's pretty sure her husband would be fine if she did it now.
Howard let Brein go a short time later and Gary brought in Trish. Trish said she's an actress, singer and model. Howard said there was a whole lobby full of these hot chicks. Trish is 29 years old and she said that she would love to be in Playboy. She thinks that it's the best way to represent beautiful women. Howard told her she should be in the magazine as well. He said that guys must hit on her all the time. She said it comes with the territory. Howard checked out her boobs and let her go. Artie said it should be like this every day on the show.
The next chick, Katie, came in and Artie said she should get in the magazine too. Howard told her she was in as well. She figured that Howard would rip her apart if she was ever on the show. She was wrong. Howard asked her why she wants to be in the magazine so bad. She said that she looked through them when she was 5 years old and that's what she wanted to do when she was that young. She turned around and showed the guys her ass and Artie did his ''We have a winnah!'' line. Katie said that she's a full time nanny and Howard said he has to meet the mommy who feels secure enough to have her as a nanny. The mother is single so that's why she trusts her. Katie said that she does Yoga so Howard asked her to do a position for them. She did the Down Dog position. Howard said that everyone looked like they could get into the magazine.
Howard had the next chick come in. This one was black and Howard said that he can tell that she's going to get in even with her robe on. He said that not too many black chicks get into the magazine but this one probably will. Gary said they put about one a year in there. Howard found out she was raised in Harlem and she went to catholic school. She said she doesn't date too many black guys and right now she's dating an Indian guy. She said that he's from Jersey. Artie was in love with her after just a short time. He said he liked her hair. Howard found out she's 25 and an actress. She's also in school. Howard figured that means she's a stripper. She said that she's really not a stripper but she is taking courses to learn how to dance. Even George stood up to check her out when she demonstrated some of her dancing abilities. Howard said that she must be amazing in bed and he could tell from the way she danced. Howard found out that she was 22 when she lost her virginity and said that she must be too good for everyone.
Ralph called in to talk about missing out on the fun. Howard told him what he was missing and Gary said that they didn't even choose the women based on looks, they just grabbed the first five chicks they found. Howard talked to another girl that Gary brought in. She was Hispanic and told the guys about some of the things she likes done to her in bed. Ralph asked her who she looked like. She said that she gets a lot of J-Lo or Mariah Carey. Howard said he could see the J-Lo.
Gary had another girl, Michelle, and she said she has two kids. She showed off her body and told Howard that her boobs weren't real. Howard said she didn't have any fat on her at all. Howard told all the girls that they looked great. One of the girls asked for a hug so Howard let her come over to him and give him a quick hug. Gary told Howard they had two more to check out. It turned out to be Richard and Sal who were naked under their robes. Howard told him to get the hell out of there.
Howard had Robin finish up her news and told Gary to find the hottest chick out there while she did that. Robin ran through a few stories and Howard took some phone calls. The fans seemed to be happy that they got away from the gay stuff finally. One guy said that Artie needs to bust out the check book and try to get a chick. Gary came back in a short time later and said this chick had a good shot at getting in and she still had her clothes on. She was from Washington, New Jersey and 20 years old. She said she wants to be a teacher. Howard wanted to see what she looked like under the robe. She took the robe off and Howard was impressed once again. Gary said she had that ''Hef girl look.'' Artie started offering money to her and offered $7,500. She turned that down. She also turned down $10,000. Artie kept bumping it up but she was turning it all down. She has a boyfriend who is also still in college.
Howard asked to see her boobs so she quickly showed them. Howard told her that she's going to get in. He said he was glad she did that quickly, otherwise he might have had a heart attack. Howard told her she'll do very well because she's really a Playboy type. He found out she's made it with other girls. She said that they were friends in college. She said her boyfriend has been there as well. That was just about a year ago. She didn't remember how it all went down though. Howard tried to get the details but she said she didn't remember how it all got started. She thinks that they were just kidding around. She said she had to go after they got a little too detailed. Her name was Heather, she told them that as she was leaving.
Artie was all frustrated after that because she had turned him down. Howard told George to give Artie a hand job. Artie said he can just imagine being a kid who watched Star Trek as a kid and having that guy giving him a hand job.
In the clip Howard was talking about this girl who was coming in who is into dogs. He said she's into Greyhounds which are dogs that run at dog tracks. Howard said after they race these dogs they don't know what to do with them so this woman got into this thing where she's helping find homes.
Gary said this woman was going to come in with a friend and they were going to get down to bra and panties. He said he friend was going to back out yesterday so they weren't going to give them any plugs.
Howard had the girl come in. Her name was Heidi. Howard said the dad was coming in too. Howard said he doesn't want him in there when she gets naked. Howard said he'll talk to the guy but then he's got to leave. Howard said maybe he'll strip for Robin.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Heidi and found out she owns a Greyhound herself. Howard asked some questions about the dogs and what they can be used for. He wondered if you can use them as sled dogs. Robin got a laugh out of that. Heidi said they're not great for long distances but they are good for sprinting.
Howard had Heidi strip a short time later. He said he had to do this though. He told her to stop with the slow striptease and just get naked. Howard said she doesn't appear to have ever done anything like this before. Heidi said she hasn't. Howard said she's not wearing any panties. She had on a garter belt or something. Howard spent a minute checking her out and then let her talk about the Greyhound thing.
Howard and Heidi talked about the dogs for a few minutes and Heidi showed Howard some pictures she had of abused dogs that need homes.
Howard let the guy come back in. Gary said she has a song about Greyhounds to play too. Howard spent a minute talking to the guy who was there with Heidi. He said they have 50 greyhounds and they get more all the time.
Howard played some of the song and said that was kind of sad. He said he thinks he did enough for them after cutting it off. The guy told Howard about an article he had for Howard to read. Howard said he didn't want to read the whole thing. The guy said they just don't want the dogs to be abused and killed. He said the racing tracks don't like them pointing this stuff out. Howard said he wishes them luck with all of this. He said that he can't take a dog right now. The guy said they brought him an application just in case he does want one. Howard wrapped up a short time later.
In the clip Howard was talking about how busy he's been writing his book. He said his mom called him and he told her he was very busy and he had to get off the phone. She got upset with him and told him that he chooses to make his life like this. Howard said all he wanted was to get the bag off the phone. Howard said he's fine with his life but he's overdue with the book.
Howard did an impression of his mother telling him that he was doing this to himself. Howard said it's no wonder he's afraid to do anything. He said she's convincing him that he's too busy. Howard said he sounded kind of frenzied on the phone because he was juggling so many things. Howard said he didn't have his answering machine on for a variety of reasons so he picked up on her. He said he was home alone and he just picked up. Howard said even when the machine does pick up his mom refused to believe they're not home. Howard said she'll keep saying ''hello'' like someone is going to pick up. Howard said she's yelling into the answering machine and then she'll talk to his father and say they must not be home.
Howard said he's happy to be working on his book. He said he somehow gets sucked into the whole thing. He said his mom says he's too busy but that's his life. He said she says he chooses to make his life like that. He said she's belittling him. Howard said he asks her how many people she knows who have been asked to write a book. He said she'll just tell him to just write it then.
Gary said Howard's mom, Ray, was on the phone. Howard picked up on her and she was doing her impression of Howard doing his impression of her. Howard said he's sorry he's not as lazy as dad was. He said that's why they got stuck in Roosevelt for half their life. Howard said that he doesn't want to insult her when he says he's busy. Howard said he was being polite. Ray said now he's changing the story. Howard said he had to write his book with his editor there and he wasn't complaining about being busy.
Ray asked Howard what he was doing in the city the other day. Howard said he had to do some stuff there. He said that she must be insane. Howard said now Robin can see that he's telling the whole story.
Ray said that the conversation Howard explained never took place. Howard said he could never make anything that silly up. Howard said he really can't take this. He asked his mom how her sex life is. She asked how his is. Howard asked her if she's ever had anal sex. Ray said ''Now Howard...'' and then asked where he comes up with this.
Howard gave his mom a hard time about the square dancing they do. He said his father hates it and ends up yelling at her the whole time. Howard said she's about half a step above making potholders in an old age home.
Howard said that the guy who makes the calls in the dancing called the show and wanted to come on the air and talk to them. Howard said he told Gary to hang up on the idiot. Ray said that's not very nice. Howard said he didn't know who it was or if it was actually him. Howard said it wasn't the name that his mother was saying. She said it was Lee Kaufman. Howard said that's not the guy who called them.
Howard said he has to go. He said he has to go write his book. He said he loves his mommy. Ray said they don't bother Howard and she's not sure why he's going on like this. Howard said he writes about some of the stuff that happened when he was a kid. Ray said she knows he made up some of the stories in the book. Ray kept saying Howard's name like ''Howid'' so he pointed that out and said she can't even say his name. He let her go a short time later and then went to break.
Howard Goes To Temple... With Sandra Bernhard. 07/19/10. 6:00am
Howard started the show talking about how he was going to try and clear his mind to get through the show. He said they were talking about how he couldn't fall asleep last week and Robin mentioned that she wasn't the one who had to take Ambien. He said he thought about that and someone pointed out that Robin may not have the same pressure that he has. He said they pointed out the pressure he has and what Robin doesn't have. He said you can't really judge on that though. Robin said they don't know the kind of pressure she has.
Howard said he has a lot of shit on his mind. Robin said maybe he should go to temple. Howard said he did. He said he went to a Hasidic temple. Robin asked how far he went. Howard said he wore a hat in there and no yarmulke. Howard said the hat was just a cloth hat. He said he wasn't sure if that was disrespectful or not. Robin said she thinks that's okay. Howard said it was cooler than wearing a yarmulke because they don't stay on his head.
Howard said he went to a Habbad service and he doesn't even know what that is. He said they don't speak English during those. He said it was really hard core. Howard said he went to speak to God. Howard said there is some silent prayer and he's not sure how to pray. He said he didn't know if he should think about the issues he had or speak directly to God. He wasn't sure how to do it.
Howard said there were lots of guys being very devout. He said he was so nervous about it. He said he went with a friend and the women have to sit in a separate section. He said they separate the men and women. Howard said he didn't know what to do so some guys were helping him out. He said they could see that he was like a lost Jew, wandering.
Howard said he was raised in a very conservative, religious family but he seems to have blocked all of the rituals out. He said he once got a scathing letter from a teacher where she basically blamed his parents for not helping with math. He said his father had flash cards that he tested him with. He said the guy was fuckin' livid and went over his times tables with him. He said he yelled at him for not knowing them and he'd call him names over it. Howard said he learned it though. He still uses them to this day.
Howard took a call from a guy asking why he went to a synagogue. He said that he sounds like his father who was the same way after being an atheist for the longest time. Howard said he knows a guy who is in his life who is having problems. He knows this person needs help and he's been trying to help and nothing has worked. He said his mom used to pray for people and she was very religious. He said she's very spiritual after doing the Transcendental Meditation thing. Howard said she used to tell him about her praying and he did an impression of that which made Robin laugh.
Howard went into his full blown mom impersonation with the megaphone. He had her telling him about how she was praying for this other person. He said it was all about her. He had her breathing heavy kind of like Mel Gibson so Fred threw in some Mel clips too.
Howard said his mom would pray for this person to be helped and he'd leap to action to do something himself. Howard said he was doing everything he could to help this person in his life. He said he was taking action in many ways and nothing was coming out of it. He said things were getting worse and worse. Howard said his mom thought that prayer worked so he figured he'd try it even though he knows it won't work.
Howard said the woman who brought him to temple was Sandra Bernhard. He said that she told him that she goes to services on Saturday so Beth told him maybe he should go with her. Howard said he told Sandra he'd go but he was very nervous. Robin said she's amazed that she goes to a conservative church. Howard said that it's pretty wild. He said she sings and you can hear her from her seat. He said all of the old Jews there look through the bushes to see her singing. He said they look to see if they can set her up with someone.
Howard said he was all neurotic before going and he asked her what to wear and things like that. She told him he didn't need a suit but he wore one anyway. He said he asked about the yarmulke thing and ended up wearing the hat instead. She told him that would be fine too and she had to talk him through all of this stuff. Howard said it seems like everyone there knows more than he does. Howard said he was deathly afraid that they'd ask him to go up and read a prayer or something. He said he wouldn't know what to do and he'd barely know how to read Hebrew. Howard said he doesn't want to do that stuff. He just wants to sit quietly and pray.
The caller asked who he's going to blame if things work out. Howard said he's very skeptical and he's just taking a leap hear. He said he's at his wit's end right now. Howard said from all indications nothing is working out so he's blaming god. He said he told Beth that his prayer didn't do anything. Robin said that there are people who pray every day and it doesn't just work with one prayer.
The caller told Howard he's very sick. Howard said he needed to go for some reason and it made him feel better. He said he lasted for an hour there. Howard said he found it comforting to go. He said it seemed that they are so into their religion there that no one even know who he was. Howard said there were people standing up and sitting down during prayers and he didn't know what to do. He said the Rabbi came over and asked him what his name was. He said the guy knew he was a friend of Sandra's. Howard said that the guys there were as intensely into that prayer as the Muslims are when they're praying to Allah.
The caller asked Howard what he thinks they would have done if he was black. Howard said he thinks they would have accepted him. He said there was tremendous acceptance from everyone. He said he was calming down the longer he was there. He was uptight about it at first when one guy sat next to him.
Howard said he was praying and trying to stay along with the group. He said there was one guy who was correcting him on some words the Rabbi had wrong. He said that's the guy's job so they get upset when he says words wrong. Howard said Sandra was there for like 2 hours and 45 minutes. He said she goes every weekend too. He said she's super religious.
Howard said he was sitting there and the Rabbi was speed reading. He said he tried to keep up but it was tough. That led to Fred playing Gilbert Gottfried singing some Yiddish songs. Howard said he figured it was time to talk to God. He wasn't sure how to do it though. He figured he'd read the English parts and then talk to God in there. Howard said he learned some stuff about Moses that he didn't know. He said all of this stuff was probably written by someone who was hallucinating.
Howard said he was reading the English stuff and figured ''fuck it'' and started mumbling some shit to himself during the prayer. The caller asked what he was asking for. Howard said he didn't want to talk about anything specific. The caller asked if it was about the stock going up there at SIRIUS. Howard said this guy knows him like the back of his hand. Howard said he may have dropped in one mention of the stock.
Howard said there was a passage he came upon that prayed for other people. He said that it applied to health and this applies to health so he read that one to himself. He felt that was the appropriate thing at the time.
Howard said it felt very bonding in a way. He said it was like a sweat lodge without all of the sweat. He said the guy who ran the service had a comforting voice. The chanting all comforted him too. He said he's not sure if he'll go back though. Howard said they didn't ask him for money or anything either. He said the Rabbi did ask him what his name was but he just said ''Howard'' and didn't say his last name.
The caller kept asking questions that were annoying Howard. The guy said this was interesting and he wanted to know more. The guy said he was just curious about his name because of who he is. Howard said he just said his first name.
Howard said he was basically put there by his mother. He said he went and it did make him feel better. Howard said just the fact that he wanted to go do something for someone else made him feel better. He was just staying home and playing chess and going to temple made him feel better.
Howard said he doesn't know why he didn't give his last name but usually when he does he feels like he's making an appearance. The caller said that's the problem with organized religion because they might have a problem with him when the truth comes out. He said he likes that Howard meditated and it was kind of like religion. Howard said this was for a specific purpose to speak to god about him being at his wit's end. He said he feels that you have to be in a group so your prayer can radiate to God. Howard said it's like when that big light is in Ghostbusters and all of the ghost are responding to that light.
The caller told him that this was good that he got out of the house to do something so he can get away from himself. He said he has to do more of this so he can say goodbye to his therapist.
Howard said Beth wasn't with him last night. He said that wasn't good. He said he's not sure if he can get away from his therapist either. He said Sunday nights aren't good for him because he bums out and feels like he has to go to school or something. Beth not being home didn't help.
Howard's TV Keeps Him Company. 07/19/10. 6:35am
Howard said he was all depressed last night. He said it was unbearable. He hates it when he's alone. Howard said he was just laying there and had to do something. He turned on the TV so he wouldn't be alone anymore. Howard said he began watching his shows like True Blood and America's Got Talent. He said he watched the finale of The Bachelor since he gets a preview copy. He said it was pretty good too. He said he liked it.
Howard said he watched the Christina Aguilera special. Robin said she's having problems selling albums. Howard said he's just into this special. Howard said he hated every song she did. He said he wanted to see her taking her clothes off but she didn't do that. Howard said she was in fishnets and he didn't dig that.
Howard said he likes Katy Perry and he saw that this song ''California Gurls'' was produced by this other song ''Tic Toc'' and they were both produced by the same guy. Howard did an A/B thing with her song and the Tic Toc song. Howard had both of them playing at the same time. They were very similar when they started out. Howard said it's not ripping off, it's just a case of the same guy producing the songs.
Howard said he watched a special about Cameron Diaz on E! but that was kind of boring. He said it was just an interview about her career. He deleted that show. He went through his TiVo and watched some more of the America's Got Talent stuff. He said he loves that show.
Howard let the caller go and said that he was a little hostile toward him. He didn't understand why. Howard said he was just talking about what he did over the weekend. He went to try on the religion thing. He said he's waiting for the results now.
In the clip Howard was talking about Gary going to see the movie The Firm and he had a black woman in the theater yelling at the screen. Howard said she was telling the guy to ''watch out'' and things like that. Howard said she was telling the characters on the screen what to do. Howard said she's so smart that she has it all figured out. He said she must live in the theater and she knows how it's going to work out.
Robin said Howard says he knows black people so she has a question for him. She said there is a new hairdo that young black girls are wearing. They all look like Marge Simpson. Howard asked if it's like the guy in Kid N Play. Robin said it's more like Marge Simpson with the beehive that goes up and up. Howard said he thinks that's a tribute to the late Tom Carvel. He said it looks like Carvel ice cream and black people love that ice cream. He said that's a tribute to him.
Robin said she's glad he told her because she went to a supermarket in Baltimore and she saw a bunch of girls with the same hairdo. Howard asked if they were all talking about how much they like Carvel. Robin said she didn't hear that. Howard asked if they had any sprinkles on them. Robin said they didn't. Howard said they should have. Robin said they should have had chocolate Jimmys on their heads.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around noon.
This week's Best of the Week was over around 10:00am.