|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started the show talking about how sick he was this morning. He almost called off the show today. He said he's feeling a little better today but he was sick over the weekend. He said he's sick of people touching his stuff in there. He was going to say who it was but he thought better of it. He said there are a couple of people in there who are the culprits. He said he felt bad on Thursday's radio show. He felt something going on in his nose and figured he'd just go home and take a steam shower. He felt really fucked up on Friday morning so he just stayed in bed the whole weekend.
Howard said he tried to bake it out of him on Saturday out in the sun. He said he stayed covered up but ended up getting his ankles sun burned. He said he looks like a farmer. Howard said he has to cancel everything today so he can go home and lay in bed.
Robin said she has some scratchiness in her throat. Howard said Beth is sick and she has book promotion to do. He said she never gets sick. Howard said Beth is coming in tomorrow to kick off her book promotion for ''Oh My Dog.'' He said she's doing Letterman and Kimmel too so she's got a lot going on.
Howard said Conan is going around doing this college tour and you can tell that's horrible too. He said Conan is doing song parodies about being fired and it looks like it's really lame. He said it looks like it's all music and it seems like it's just bad.
Howard said he saw that Oprah was doing a one woman show on Broadway and he wants to go see what she's doing. He said he'd go if he wasn't sick. If she's doing a healing then maybe he should go so she can make him better.
Howard said Conan came off really bad on that 60 Minutes interview. Howard said he didn't say anything about Jay other than saying he wouldn't have handled it the same way Jay did. He said that they didn't go to other people and ask about what went on. Howard said they just interviewed Conan and didn't play off of anything.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Conan is prohibited from talking badly about NBC or anything that went on there. Gary kind of confirmed that from his office. The caller also brought up another segment from the show but it went nowhere so Howard hung up on the guy. He said sometimes he cuts people off too soon but this time he let the guy go on too long.
Howard played some of the 60 Minutes interview from last night. They were doing the intro for the Conan segment and they had some music playing in the background. It turns out it was the theme song from Conan's show and it sounded pretty bad. Howard goofed on that and then talked about how bad this interview came off.
Howard played more of the interview where Conan talked about what went on at NBC but he really wasn't saying much of anything. Howard said this made him feel like Conan was washed up and didn't make him want to watch him. He said he likes Conan but he didn't come off very well on this show. He said he was annoyed with the whole thing.
Howard said if Conan isn't allowed to talk about NBC then he shouldn't have done an interview. He should have stayed home. He played more of the interview where Conan talked about the NBC deal and how he didn't feel he got screwed. He said things ''just didn't work out.''
Howard said he was rooting for Conan but he came off really pathetic in the interview. He played more of the audio where Conan was saying he hadn't heard from Jay Leno and he didn't think he would. Conan said that he is happy with his decision and he sleeps well at night. Conan said he hopes that Jay is happy with his decision too. He said that he knows what happened and Jay took his show back. He was asked if he felt Jay acted honorably. Conan said he can't answer that. Conan said that he would have handled it differently and wouldn't have taken the show back if he were in that position. Conan said he would have gone someplace else.
Howard said this was boring. He just didn't care. He said they didn't even ask Conan about bumping George Lopez out of his time slot. Howard said it was just a bad interview. He said at least Letterman is back to bashing Jay though.
Howard said Conan could have said that Jay should have left NBC when they took the Tonight Show from him the first time. He could have said that his ratings had disappeared and it was Jay's lead in that made that happen. He said he had nothing there at all. It was weird and strange.
Howard said that they're trying to track down this guy who left the vehicle in the city. Robin said they're trying to track someone down that was changing his clothes out there after the truck was left. Howard said the only reason they're not dead is because these terrorists are incompetent.
Howard said Gary walks through that area where the car bomb was left all the time. He said that it just sucks. Robin said they're thinking that this had to do with Comedy Central and the South Park episode that ran where they were making fun of Mohammed. Howard said it's weird how people think that stuff is real.
Gary came in and said that the group that took credit for the bomb was some kind of Taliban group. They think that it wasn't that group. They're now saying that they think it was something like the Oklahoma City bomber. Howard said they do have fingerprints from the vehicle so they're hoping they'll be able to find the person who did it.
The guys talked about how unsafe it is in the city. Howard said they're big targets there. Howard said everyone there looks like a terrorist too.
Howard had Jon Hein come in and talk about the article he showed him this morning about Conan. Jon told Howard that they wrote up the interview and talked about how odd it was. Jon said that they were saying that Conan can't say anything disparaging about NBC and that's why he was answering the way he did. They talked about how odd he looked with the beard and how bad his tour is too.
Howard said he's all hot and sweaty today. Wheels said he thought he was going to be all charged up from seeing Hulk's girl and go home to have some fun. Howard said he wasn't all worked up from that.
Howard said he did beat off last night so he could get some sleep. He said he did that after watching Conan. Fred threw in some Dave Lampert audio clips and Howard and Robin talked about how creepy that was.
Wheels said he heard Rosie O'Donnell talking about how she was going out to lunch with Robin last week. Robin said she didn't end up going because Rosie had a dental emergency. She had an abscess tooth she had to have remove. Howard said she's done that to him like three times now. Robin said she has rescheduled and she'll have to see how that goes.
Wheels talked about listening to Rosie after his show and how she's always talking about this woman she's dating and talking about her kids and stuff. Howard said he knows that Rosie is busy with the 9 kids and all of that. He said she met this woman who has 9 kids and she's living in Rosie's guest house. He said there's a whole scene going on there. He said it must be exhausting with all of the kids running around. He said it's almost like a school. He said she loves that and he would hate it. He said they're really different. He said he can't imagine anyone wanting to be around 13 of anything.
Wheels filled Howard in on some of the details of what Rosie is up to. He said that Kelly is still living in one of her guest houses. Howard sounded shocked by that. He said he didn't know that was going on. They spent a little time talking about the kids and what Rosie is up to with that. Howard said he figured Rosie was going to hook up with a woman who didn't have any kids. He said that Robin should have that dinner soon so he can find out what she's up to. He said she may learn nothing. Robin may take over the discussion with her weight loss talk.
Howard said Robin isn't a very good listener. Robin said she's a great listener. He said Robin won't learn a thing about Rosie. Robin said she's not going to give Rosie the whole saga about her weight loss.
Howard asked Robin if she knew her new intern's name. Robin said it was Jonathan. Fred threw in Robin's new theme music while they were talking about that. Wheels said his nurse almost wet herself when she heard that music for the first time.
Howard said he thought that Beth was going to heal him when they had sex over the weekend. He said he got the poison out but he just got sicker.
Robin said she was supposed to go to dinner with Rosie on Thursday night. Howard said he's pretty sure they wouldn't have learned anything. Robin said she's not sure about that. She said she wasn't going to give Rosie this saga that Howard thinks she was. Howard did his impression of Robin talking to Rosie and made up what the conversation could have been like. It was all about Robin's weight loss and how 9/11 affected her. That led to Robin talking about what she had to do before she lost weight. Robin said she used to rub some kind of blue cream on herself to feel better. Robin said she wasn't taking any prescription drugs. She said she was almost in tears after every show back then. Howard asked who would want to hear that stuff.
Howard asked what the blue cream was. Robin didn't remember because it was years ago. Howard continued to goof on Robin talking about some of the stuff she's done over the years to help her lose weight and stay healthy. Robin said she would only tell Rosie about what she wants to know.
Wheels said he hopes that Rosie hits on Robin. He said she could stick a finger in her. Howard said that would be funny. He said that Rosie could have her finger in her for hours and Robin wouldn't even notice.
Wheels brought up how everything with Robin is charity now. That led to them talking about the honoring she went to last week and how most of the kids there were black. Robin said they weren't all black. Gary said there was one white kid there. Jason said he didn't remember seeing any white kids there.
Howard ended up talking about Eddie Murphy and how he has stopped being funny. He said he doesn't get how a guy goes from being the funniest guy out there to not being funny at all. He said he was one of the funniest guys ever and someone stole his funny. He said that's like what happened to Jim Carrey.
Wheels said he thought that Eddie was funny but he did this interview and it wasn't good. Howard said he used to do some great bits on SNL and some great movies. He said Eddie was great on Saturday Night Live.
Howard said he was going through stuff with Beth for Letterman and it was more interesting than what Eddie was doing. He said he should try a little bit at least. He just doesn't appear to care anymore.
Howard and Wheels spent another minute talking about Beth's Letterman appearance and what she could talk about. Howard said he has some stuff that Beth rejected and he'll talk about that after she does the show.
Howard said he should take a break now. He said they have Will the Farter coming in. They're going to stick a guy in a stockade and have Will fart on him.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that the interview was awful and it was scary looking at Conan. Howard wanted to talk but Mariann wouldn't let him get a word in. He had to hang up on her. Howard said she never lets him get a word in and it's this constant drone with her. He asked if that can be that way in real life.
Robin was talking about her publicist Dan Klores and how he was wondering if people know that she's funny because they always ask her about the serious things in her life. Robin was telling some stories at a lunch she went to and Dan thought she was funny. That led to Fred playing some Cartman from South Park and other laughing clips while Robin was telling Howard about that.
Howard said maybe it's time for another book. Robin said she was talking about that with someone recently. She said that she was up in Martha's Vineyard talking to Roni and James about doing that. Howard said she doesn't need them. Robin said it would be a book about what they teach. Robin said it wouldn't be just about her. Howard said he has feelings about that but he's going to keep them to himself.
Howard said they have to take a little break and then come back. He said he hopes to keep the show going. They went to break after that.
After the break we heard some prank calls Sal and Richard made to a Swap Shop radio show. Fred also played Neil Young's ''Heart of Gold'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said he finally found a place to put the picture of Neil Young that Artie gave to him. He said he's going to put it in his closet. He has a big closet and he needed a place to put it. He said he busted Artie's balls about that for the longest time.
Howard said they're doing this America's Next Top Wack Packer search and they're giving the winner $5,000. You can find out more details at SIRIUS.com/howardstern.
Howard did an impression of 'Gina Man saying that if you know anyone like that you should get them entered into the contest.
Howard said there's this weird thing going on with Shuli and Doug Goodstein. Shuli had a baby recently and Doug gave him some baby stuff. Instead of buying Shuli a gift Doug gave him the baby stuff that his kids weren't wearing anymore. He said Doug told Shuli he could use them. Howard said this happened with his sister too. He said his sister's friend offered some clothes to them and some of the stuff was worn out and ragged. He said that they were carrying on like it was great stuff but it wasn't so nice so his sister took it and threw it out. He said the woman called years later and asked for them back. He said that it was garbage though.
Howard said Goodstein said to Shuli that he could have the clothes. Then Doug went on Shuli's web site and saw the baby wasn't wearing any of the clothes. Lisa said he wasn't quite right. She said that Doug saw it wasn't in the car seat they gave Shuli. They asked for that and some of the clothes back.
Howard had both of them come in. He said he's on Shuli's team in this. He said Shuli took the clothes to be nice. Shuli said Doug should have asked if he could store his shit for a few months.
Doug came in and said that they had a ton of baby stuff. He said he had a car load of stuff and he thought he was helping him out. He said they were clean clothes. Shuli said they were nice clothes and he appreciated it. He said he gave it to them and didn't say it was a loan. Shuli said if there was anything he wasn't going to use then he could give it back to them.
Shuli said that a month after his baby was born Doug asked him for anything that they weren't going to use back. He said Doug saw the car seat was different and asked for that back too. Doug said they have another friend who needs the stuff and he wanted to pass some of that stuff along. Shuli said that he finds it creepy that they were checking out his baby pictures and monitoring it.
Howard said Doug has to stop it. Doug said he didn't beg him and he didn't bother him more than once. Shuli said that he came to him in the hallway and asked for the stuff back after a month. Shuli said he's bringing it all back to Doug tomorrow so he can walk it all back on his own. Shuli said that some of the clothes are winter clothes and it's not winter.
Doug said they're all getting this wrong. He said that he just asked for anything that they weren't using back. He said that they're welcome to hold on to anything they may use in the future but they'll take back anything that they're not using.
Doug said he didn't hear any of the show last night and he was sorry that he got some things wrong last night. Shuli said that Doug was also goofing on his financial situation last night on the show. He said it just pissed him off when he brought that up. Doug said he thought he was being an asshole and that's why he came out swinging. He said he didn't hear the show and didn't know what Shuli was actually doing.
Shuli said that if Doug is going to be like this when he's going to dress the kid in the clothes and post pictures on his Facebook.
Shuli was also wondering why Doug is so involved with people who are pregnant. Howard said that people think they have gold with these clothes and they're really just garbage. Doug said that baby clothes don't get that used so they can be passed along.
Howard said Doug is on a weird mission. Shuli said that not one person took Doug's side last night on their 4 hour show. Shuli said that he's at the point where he wanted to go deliver the stuff to Doug on his time off.
Howard told Doug he should tell Shuli to take the clothes and enjoy them and he never wants to see them again. Doug said that's fine. He doesn't want to see them again. Howard said he should tell them to pass them along or throw them out. Doug said that he can't let the car seat go. Shuli said they were using a new car seat and they don't need the one that Doug gave them. Doug would like that back. Doug said they lent that one to them.
Howard went back and forth with Doug and Shuli. Shuli was showing an email that Doug's wife sent to his wife. It was about the car seat and how it wasn't in the picture she saw. Doug said this was the day father Doug asked him for the stuff back that they weren't using. Doug's wife, Marlo, was asking about the seat and how you don't really need more than one. Howard told Shuli he should get rid of it. He said he should give him everything in a bag and get rid of it.
Shuli said that Ferrall gave him a bunch of stuff a few months ago and he didn't ask for anything back. Doug said that they're not demanding anything back. Howard said they want to give it to everyone so he should be done with it. Doug said they never asked for it back. He said they asked if they weren't using it then they could give it back.
Shuli said he was up all night last night wondering if he's the asshole. Doug said that he's got people who agree with him in the studio. Scott DePace said that he agrees with Doug. He said if he's not using the clothes or the seat then they should give it back. Shuli said it's only been a month though. The kid is only 5 weeks old.
Shuli said Doug came to him and asked about the seat and he told him he was using it but then Marlo sent the email to his wife asking for it again. He said that his answer should have been enough. Shuli said it was very nice of him to offer the stuff but this is crazy.
Howard said Doug should be done with this already. If he's giving the stuff away then he should let it go. He shouldn't be asking for it back. Doug said he's sorry it turned out this way. He said he never demanded anything back, ever. Shuli said that's all he's done. He said that he never saw a picture of his kid without the clothes on or anything like that. That's not what they're doing. Shuli said he did hear Doug say that they weren't using his stuff and they saw that on Facebook. Doug said he never said that.
Doug told Shuli he thought he was hitting him on the show and that's why he came out swinging with him. Howard cut them off and said that Shuli should give him everything back and get it over with. Shuli said that he will do that. He said he's going to drop it all in front of Doug's door and he'll have to drag it home himself. Doug doesn't have a car there to take it home so he asked Shuli to drop it off at his house. Shuli said he should make Doug pick it up from his house.
Howard said they're going to give the clothes to someone else so he asked Doug when they're going to have to return them to him. Doug said they're not going to keep taking the clothes back. He said they're done with them. Howard said that it's weird. Shuli said there are some clothes that the baby hasn't been able to wear. Howard said the other thing is that you have to keep them separate from the other stuff they buy so they know it's not theirs.
Shuli said they got a huge bag full of clothes and his wife went through it all and they haven't used one thing from it yet. He said they just had the kid. He said that Doug is standing there tapping on his watch waiting for it back.
Shuli said it's all coming back. He said that one of their callers suggested that they set it all on fire last night. Howard said that wouldn't be good. Shuli said he's bringing it all there and he's dropping it off at Doug's door. Doug said it will sit there because he's not going to take it home.
Doug said that Shuli isn't being honest about this and he hasn't been asking for the stuff back for a month. Shuli said that he has and it's weird.
Doug kept saying that maybe he's not the one who wants the stuff. It sounded like he was putting it on his wife. Shuli said that's what he should have said from the start then.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Doug should be honest and tell him that his wife is the one who wants it back. Doug said he had nothing to do with this. He said that his wife wanted to help and that's what they did. They're not demanding the stuff back either. Shuli said it's not about that. He said that just asking for it back if they're not using it is weird. He said that's the whole point. He said he's not demanding it but they are asking them if they are using it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that a gift is a gift and you don't ask for it back. Another caller said he has a son who was born without a colon so they need some clothes. Another guy said that it's that fuckin' Facebook thing. He said that's what leads to all of this trouble.
Howard told Doug that he should just drop it and not ask for the stuff back. He said if his wife gets crazy you just put and end to it. Doug said it was set aside in the basement and they wanted to help. Shuli said that they shouldn't offer it if they're not willing to give it up. Doug said he was sorry about what he did last night. He apologized to Shuli but Shuli wasn't accepting it. He said he took it too a place that they didn't need to go and it was a cheap move. Doug said that's fine.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Doug that stuff is junk and he should just give it up. Howard said he's seen this with baby clothes before. He said that's what happened to his sister and her friend. They haven't spoken since that woman asked for her stuff back.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that maybe Daniel Carver is right about the Jews after hearing this stuff. Shuli said that it really does make them look bad. Doug said this wasn't his intention at all when they did this. Howard told Doug to let it go. He wrapped up with them and let them go. Shuli asked if he wants his gift back too. Howard jokingly said when he's done with it he can send it back to him. He said they want to give it to someone else.
Howard said it sounds like it's not Doug, it's his wife making him nuts. Lisa said that Robin gave them a breast pump. Robin said that's what she had on her wish list so that's what she got them. Howard asked if Lisa and Robin were upset that their breasts have never produced milk. Robin said that would be kind of odd since they've never been pregnant.
Lisa G got back to her news preview and said they were at the bike tour that Jared Fox and Mike Gange went on. Jared left Mike in the dust and finished the ride in 3 hours. Gange took 5 hours. Gange thinks that Jared took a shortcut but Jared denies that.
Howard asked the guys what they think about what's going on with Doug and Shuli. Fred said they've given clothes away before and you do it from the heart with no strings attached. Robin said it is kind of odd that they were asking for the stuff back. Shuli and his wife have their hands full with the baby right now.
Pete was there so Howard talked to him about the show. He wanted to give him a quick audition. He wanted Pete to talk up the Train song ''Hey Soul Sister.'' Pete did the talk up and ran out of things to say because he didn't know what call letters to give. Howard told him it would be there on Howard 101. Pete said ''one oh one'' instead of ''one hundred one'' so he screwed that up too.
Howard had Pete talking up some other songs but he had no information for any of the artists in the top 5. Howard had Pete talk up some more songs but he didn't have one fact about any of the artists. Pete said he was striking out. Robin asked if that's the kind of show he wouldn't want to listen to. Pete said he wouldn't. He said he's screwing it all up.
Pete knew U2 so they gave him one of their songs to talk up. Pete said he had that one so he tried talking that up but he just talked up the song like he did with all of the others. This time he just stretched it out and repeated himself. Howard said this is a disaster. He said he's not going to get a job there. Howard said he wants to go to Tim and say he can handle himself but he can't do that right now.
Howard tried helping Pete out but it wasn't working. He said he doesn't think it's looking too good. He said they might have to let him do the show anyway. Robin said maybe he'll prepare and come up with something to say.
Fred played a few songs off of U2's Joshua Tree album since that's one that Pete knew. Howard said he thinks the show is going to blow. Howard said he could have broken into his George Takei impression during one of the songs. Pete did some of that awful impression but it still wasn't working.
Howard told Pete to make a tape and play it for him when he's in again on Thursday. Pete said he'll do that. Howard let him go and went to break after that.
Howard said he thinks that he scared Tim Sabean off from the Medicated Pete show earlier. He said he didn't come back in to talk about the show during the break.
Howard said that Rosanna Scotto, a local FOX reporter, said ''jizzum'' during a segment on a show she was hosting. Howard played the clip and in that clip they were talking about soy milk and what they could call it. Rosanna came up with ''Soy jizzum'' and the other reporters didn't seem to know how to handle that.
Howard said he was watching this program with a doctor on it this weekend. He said he hates watching it because the guy always talks about stuff that makes him feel he's going to get sick. He said that the doctor was talking about how the chemical they use to give sodas their carbonation can age you faster and give pancreatic cancer. Howard said the doctor was saying you can have one on occasion but drinking it regularly can be bad for you. He said he drinks Perrier himself so he was worried about that. He said he's off of all carbonated drinks now. Robin said she drinks some carbonated waters. Howard said he heard that the mineral waters are bad for you too.
Howard said he drinks Poland Springs and stuff too but Robin sad that those are bad for you too. She said that the bottles are the bad part of that. She said the bottles melt on you.
Howard said the soda companies treat him like a bum and they're the ones with stuff to hide. Howard said his sponsors don't have anything to hide. Howard and Robin talked about some of the sponsors they have and how great they are.
Howard said he doesn't like to watch this doctor because the stuff he talks about scares him. Robin said she's going to have to go back to flat water then.
Howard played some of the audio of President Obama going first. He was joking about his approval ratings dropping and then goofed on Jay Leno losing more ratings than he did. He also joked about what happens to people who take their slot after Jay so he was glad he was going first.
Howard said that Jay went up and did his thing but he wasn't getting any laughs. Howard played some of that and also talked to Benjy about his sister being there and saying that people were just staring at him wondering what was going on. In the clip Jay was bombing and barely got any laughs. Jay was rushing through his lines and having one bomb after another.
Howard said maybe people are just sick of Jay and how he's been doing things. He said he hopes that's what it is. Howard played more audio of Jay bombing and said he needs that Kevin Eubanks laughing at him.
The caller asked Howard what he thinks about this oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. Howard said they're still cleaning up after the Exxon Valdez. He said this is going to be a huge disaster. He said that this is what happens when we have a world hungry for oil. He said they have safeguards and they cut corners on this stuff. He said that they'll never have the safeguards that they need because they need the oil. Howard said nothing good will come out of this either.
Robin wondered why they can't patch the leak. Robin said they were supposed to be able to stop the oil from coming up. Howard said Gary won't be able to get his oil free shrimp now. Howard said we are the largest consumers of oil in this country and we need it fast. He said there is no alternative right now but maybe in the future there will be. He said it's so depressing to see what's going on down in the Gulf right now. Robin said they say the long term saturation is what will be devastating.
Robin was going off on BP and how they should have known how to deal with something like this. Howard said this might be Robin's new thing to care about. Gary said that BP just leased the oil rig. Robin said they still should have known what to do about a problem like this. That's no excuse.
Robin asked if scooters are run on gas. She said that's what everyone is doing these days. Howard said he didn't know. He told Robin that maybe one of the kids at the film making charity should make a documentary about the oil spill.
Howard moved on to the game and told the caller, Will, that he had clips of Gary the Retard being asked to fill in the blanks for popular phrases. The caller has to guess if Gary will answer right.
The test question was ''If you can't handle the heat get out of the _____.'' Gary said ''Kitchen.'' that was just a test. The first phrase for the caller was ''When it rains it _____.'' Will said that Gary will not get that one. Howard locked him in on that and Gary answered ''pours'' and got it right.
The next phrase was ''Don't look a gift horse in the _____.'' Will said he would not know. Gary said ''wind.'' The next phrase was ''All good things must come to an _____.'' Will said that he will not know that but Gary said ''end'' and got it right.
Howard played the next phrase which was ''beauty is in the eye of the _____.'' Will said Gary would not know that one either. Gary said that it was in the eye of the ''woman.'' Howard said if Will gets the next one right he wins. It was ''Eat, drink and be _____.'' Will said he won't know it. Gary said ''smart'' and got it wrong. The caller won $711 from 7-Eleven. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said it's very difficult to have a hit song. He said they have this guy Dion Roy and his buddy Peter coming in to try and get their song played on the show. Howard tried to get them set up but there was a tapping noise in there. Howard said it was the wireless mic they were using. Howard said he wanted to hang himself this morning. He said they were in there all morning testing the mics. Will said he still heard the noise after the wireless was off though. Howard said he didn't hear it, it was gone.
Howard asked Dion about what he's up to. Dion said they're in the band Dion Roy and the Freestate. Howard said tis' not easy to make it in the business. They're going to take some farts from Will the Farter just to get their song played on the air. Dion said that they're willing to do that to get this played.
Howard asked Dion about opening for some big band. He said they opened for Eve Six one time. Howard didn't know who they were even after Dion told him what song they sing. Robin said he would know it if he heard it.
Howard said Dion thinks that they'll get some notice if they get their song played today. Dion said he's open to any offers they might get. Howard said he hopes that they're great because no man should have to go through this. He said it's really not pleasant. Will the Farter can really blast away and his farts are extra stinky today. He ate some broccoli au gratin so his farts are very smelly.
Howard said that Peter doesn't have to take the farts in his face. Dion is going to be doing that. He asked Dion if he's going to give up if they don't get a deal out of this. Dion said he's working part time doing advertising so he's going to keep doing this gig and never give it up.
Howard asked Dion if he's married. He said he's not. Howard said that's good because he can't put a woman through this kind of thing.
Howard introduced the guys to Will the Farter. Will came in and said he's doing good. Howard asked if that's true. Will said he is doing pretty good. Howard asked if he was nude today. Will said he is pretty much nude. Howard said they have a massage table and Will will be there with his legs in the air and Dion will have to take the farts right in his face.
Howard heard that Will has a job now. Will said he is doing some stuff on the side. Howard asked Will about the web sites he was working for where he does gay stuff for gay guys. Will said that he takes calls from guys and it's all just bull shit. He said he gives out advice to guys and things like that. Will said he once got a call from a guy who said he was attracted to his step father. He said he just went on and on with the answer to keep him on the line since it was paid by the minute. Will said he pretty much told the guy to confront the guy. He said he heard the next day that the step-father called and thanked him for his advice. He said it was the most bizarre phone call he's ever had in his life.
Howard asked Will what else he does on the phone. He plays out fantasies for the guys. Will said he was asked to play a giant and the people on the phone would pretend they were little people that he was stepping on. Will said that he doesn't do the masturbation thing anymore. He doesn't put anything up his ass either. Howard said it sounds like things are going really well. Will said that some people can make 6 figures doing this kind of thing but he's not.
Will said that he will go by the name Brutal Master on this service he works for. He said they charge anywhere from $2 to $25 a minute. Howard did some stuff with him having Will talking to him on this phone line thing. Will was calling him a piece of shit and telling him what to do. Robin asked if he's ever been recognized. Will said he has. He said he puts on a different voice and he's usually more brutal than he was with Howard. Howard did his gay voice and had some fun with Will... or Brutal Master.
Gary said that on his web site he claims that he's going to rape their bank accounts when they call. Gary said there's a guy who wrote a review and one of the guys has been leaving the reviews for a really long time. He read some of those reviews and the guy was really positive about Will. Gary said he read one where the guy said that he loves Will because he knows how to ''put a faggot in his place.''
Howard said it was time for Brutal Master to lay on the table and blast Dion's face with farts. Will told Howard he's also got a job as a waiter and he may do some massage stuff. Howard said that might turn sexual too. Will said that's not going to happen.
Howard told Will to lay down and then had Dion get ready to sing his song. Howard said that he's going to be singing while Will is blasting away. Dion asked if he can close his eyes. Howard said he can do what he wants. Will's mic was off so Howard had nothing but static.
Howard asked Dion what he was going to be singing. He said it's called ''Wants It.'' Pete was playing guitar while Dion was singing.
Howard tested out Will's fart mic and got some examples of what he would be doing during the song. Howard needed a mic on Dion but they didn't have enough mics. Howard asked why he's punished like this.
They eventually got Dion set up and Will's ass mic'd up. Dion sang his song as Will farted into his face. Dion sang through it but Will's farts were louder than his singing. Dion asked if he had to do the whole song. Howard said he could stop but Dion kept going as Will blasted away in his face. Will was letting out some really nasty sounding farts toward the end of the song.
Howard said he liked the song. Dion said it was disgusting and the smell was bad. He said that Will really let him have it. Howard said that it would be great if the guitar player got signed from this and Dion didn't. Howard said the song was good and the farting went along with it.
Howard let Dion give him a little bit of the song without the farting going on. He wanted to hear what it sounded like without that. Howard said he misses the farting. Howard had Will blast a couple of farts at the end of that.
Dion said they're giving away one of their songs for free on his web site. Howard played some of that song and talked to him more about the farting. Will said that his ass was sore from farting and he may have torn his asshole. He said he has done that before.
Howard heard that Will can fart and blow a party favor whistle go all the way out. Will said it's not a whistle but he can blow it all the way out. Howard said the guy is amazing after Will blew it out. Dion said it was like a birth video. Howard was laughing and said that was a good job. Will said he has another thing he does. He said that he has confetti and he can blow it out of this stick. Will tried that. He sucked some air into his ass and then blew out the confetti.
Howard asked Dion if he can fart. Dion said he's got nothing on this guy. All he does is sing. Will kept farting through that.
Howard gave the guys some more plugs. Howard said he predicts that this will be the number one show on Howard TV this week. Will got in another plug for Xtube.com and Will Murray said he heard he gets $100 for every time he mentions the site. Howard told him to say it a million times then. He didn't care. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said he sure is a trooper. He said he's a company man and he works even when he's sick. Howard said Steve Langford was there with his news preview. Steve said they have a story about Dan the Song Parody Man getting arrested after being pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. He had his license suspended four times so he was arrested for that. Steve said Dan has declined to comment. Howard said Dan is trying to get him some of those sneakers that he loves. He said that they discontinued the sneaker that he loves and he's trying to find something similar or some old stock. He said he can't get either.
Howard said he's going to give out the model number again. He's looking for a size 14. The model number is TQ810. He said they're made by Asics. He said they must have a similar model but he can't seem to find anything. Howard said he has a woman in the loop who is trying to help him out. She works for Asics but they keep sending stuff that he doesn't want.
Steve said they have a story about Kevin Metheney (AKA Pig Virus) and how people are trying to get him fired from WGN in Chicago. Steve said the ratings are plummeting over there so people are blaming Kevin for the downfall and some people started a Facebook page to get him fired.
Howard said maybe it's not his fault but Steve said that Robert Feder says that it is Pig Virus and the guy is associated with Randy Michaels. Howard said he doesn't know anything about the guys over there.
Steve said that Jackie has been turned down from coming on the show to promote a gig. Howard said that's because he was just on there a few weeks ago. Robin said he plugged a 2 second appearance in a TV show instead of this new album. Howard said this is why they gave Jackie his own radio show. He should be plugging it there.
Howard said Jackie used to write jokes on the show. He said he doesn't have a lot of new stuff going on now and he doesn't have a lot to talk to him about. He said if he was on the show writing jokes and they gave him a plug once in a while maybe that would work. Robin told Howard not to do that. She seemed to think that was a bad idea. Howard said they didn't talk that much to Jackie when he was working on the show.
Steve wrapped up and got in some plugs for Greg Fitzsimmons' show and the Chuck Zito show which are airing tonight on Howard 101. Howard said maybe Chuck should have Jackie on.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down his list of subjects for today's show. That led to Howard going off on Scott and Evan about the wireless mic's not working in there. He said he asked why they don't use hard wired stuff instead. He said he didn't get an answer. Howard said he's not sure what to do. He said he has better wireless stuff in his apartment than they do there.
Will came in and said that they have issues with the Howard TV guys because they don't want anyone standing in front of the cameras. Howard said he needs sound though. Will said he checked the mic off the air and it was working. He said that the battery they used was working when they checked it. He said that one always works too so he's not sure what happened. That led to Fred playing the ''Scott the Engineer's Fuckin' Up Again'' song parody. Scott said both he and Evan checked that mic before the segment and it was working. He's not sure what happened. Howard said this keeps happening over and over again. He let Scott go and goofed on him for another minute before having Jon finish up his Wrap Up Show preview.
Jon mentioned the Doug vs. Shuli fight in his show preview. That led to Doug coming in again to explain what had gone on with Shuli again. Howard let him do that again and then kicked him out.
Howard blamed Jon Hein for the voice problems he was having this morning. Howard said Jon got sick last week and he was touching his Blackberry. Jon said he wasn't sick though. He just has muscles in his throat that weren't working. He said his voice is back this morning. Howard said his hair dresser was sick too. He said it could have been her too.
Robin said that they got scammed when the guy called in and said that he was in the play ''Hair'' with Diana DeGarmo. Robin said the guy who called in wasn't really the guy. Howard said he heard about that and the guy is supposed to call in to clear his name. Howard said they'll let the guy do that and ask him what Diana's vagina does look like for real.
Robin read about the big bomb scare in Times Square that happened this weekend. Robin said that they should applaud the vendors who noticed something suspicious about the van and how the called the cops over to check it out. Robin said she thinks that's wonderful. She said that the Mayor took the police officer out to dinner after the whole thing went down. Robin had some audio of the President talking about the situation too. She had some audio of Mayor Bloomberg talking about the incident too. Robin had a bunch of stories about the whole situation that she went through.
Robin read about the Washington Correspondent's Dinner that went on over the weekend. She had some audio of President Obama doing some comedy material at that dinner. Howard had to take another break after that.
After the break Howard had Robin get right back to her news. He said he was shot and was going to have Fred read the last two live commercials later in the show.
Robin read some news about the Shroud of Turin and how they're going to put it on display for people to see because the Pope claims that he believes it's real.
Robin read about Brett Michaels and his recovery from his brain hemorrhage. The doctor is saying that this is a serious condition and Bret is fighting hard to stay alive.
Robin read about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and how he was bad mouthing the U.S. just days before coming here. She had some audio of a woman discussing that.
Robin read some news and played some audio clips about the illegal immigrant laws in Arizona. She was getting up on her soap box talking about how there wouldn't be illegal immigrants if people would stop hiring them. Robin said that the people they should be going after is the people who hire the illegal's. Howard said they have to eliminate the jobs then. Robin said that's right. Howard said he likes the rounding up of people though. Jason came in and said that he worked at Roy Rogers and he knew a lot of people working there that didn't speak the language and they were paid less than he was being paid. He said they really should round up the people doing the hiring. Howard said that is part of the law as far as he knows.
Robin mentioned the Kentucky Derby but didn't have any updates. She just asked Howard if he had watched it.
Robin read about the new song that Miley Cyrus has out. Howard said he has to hear it a couple thousand times on SIRIUS Hits 1 before he gets into it. He said the song wasn't doing it for him yet. Robin said that she appears to be trying to be an adult artist now with this new song. Howard said her dad might have to step in and straighten her out before she goes down that Lindsay Lohan road. Howard likes some of Miley's stuff but not the song that Howard had him playing.
Robin read about Lady Gaga being one of the most influential entertainers of the year. Howard said she really is influential and it's hard to break out in the music industry these days. Robin read about some of the other people on the list like Conan O'Brien. Howard asked how he got on the list. Robin read that Oprah is also on the list with a bunch of other celebrities.
Robin read about the number one movie at the box office being the ''A Nightmare on Elm Street'' movie. Howard said they got horrible reviews. Robin wrapped up the news so Howard could get out of there to go recover. His voice was shot and getting worse. Fred read the last two live commercials of the day as they ended the show around 10:20am.
Jon said that Lisa G almost made a fatal error with Howard today too. He said she was about to ask him how he could be in a bad mood because he has everything. Jon said that he was irritated with everyone today. Gary said he was trying to stay out of the way today. He tired to make sure everything was working.
Scott DePace said that he made sure not to go in the studio at all today. Scott had a weird tan line on his head. Scott said that he thinks that Jon got Howard sick too. Jon said he wasn't sick though. He said he just lost his voice. Benjy said that if you get sick there's a six week time limit for being blamed for getting Howard sick.
Gary told a story about how Al Rosenberg's wife sneezed at dinner one night and Howard blamed her for weeks for him getting sick. Gary said that Howard was relentless giving Al shit for weeks after that.
Gary said that there's this line of being sick and not being too sick where you have to decide whether or not to go to work. He said that Howard showed up sick but he must not have been too sick.
Scott was saying that Jon Hein gets away with a lot of stuff around there. DePace said that he got Howard sick and he got away with it. Jon said he wasn't sick.
Gary asked why they really give a shit. Scott said that Shuli came across like he was being persecuted. Gary said he thinks that Shuli was right. Scott said he's wrong. Gary said that's his opinion so he's not wrong. Scott argued with him about that a little bit and said Shuli should have given the clothes back.
Scott said that Doug saved Shuli thousands of dollars and he was made out to be the bad guy. Gary said that if you have two kids you can't remember where the clothes came from. Scott said that if you use the clothes then they become yours. He said if you don't use them then give them back. That's as simple as it was.
Scott said that the clothes weren't a gift. He said Doug was doing Shuli a favor giving him some clothes to go through and he should have done that and given back what they weren't using. Gary said that they're getting very picky.
Gary and Scott were arguing and Scott was goofing on Gary for not being able to use a nail gun. He said that he can't do any manual labor like that. Gary said he can. He said he isn't a handy guy but he knows how to use a hammer. He said Scott is making it out to be like he uses a hammer the way he throws a baseball.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Lisa G had given a lamp to Shuli as a gift but it was a lamp from her apartment. The caller said that it was a lamp that looked like a giant butt plug. Jon hadn't heard that so he asked Shuli and Lisa G to come in there to talk about that.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Scott is from Delaware and he's an idiot. He said he has a kid whose clothes were given to his ex-wife's kid and he wouldn't even think about asking for it back. He said that you don't want that stuff back. Scott said this guy isn't understanding the point. Scott told the guy that Doug gave him the clothes and told him to give back what they weren't going to use. The caller said he heard the conversation and it wasn't like that.
Shuli came in and told the guys that Doug told him that they were ''giving'' them the clothes. He said it was never a loan. He said that Doug said that they could take what they wanted and give back whatever they didn't use. Shuli said the clothes are in a giant bag and they haven't even had time to go through the stuff because the kid is growing so fast and some of the stuff is winter clothes.
Gary said they should burn all kids clothes after they're used. Shuli said he never would have taken it if he knew that they were going to have to go through this. Shuli said it's partially his fault for taking the stuff.
Jon asked Shuli if it was true that Lisa re-gifted them a lamp. Shuli said that Lisa had a lamp she thought would be good for the baby's room. She had never seen the baby's room but that's what she thought. He said the lamp has some ball things on the stem of the lamp. Shuli said she thought it would look good so she gave it to them and the gift was the lamp shade. She bought the shade to go along with the lamp. She created the need for the lamp shade.
Shuli said he looked at the lamp and the lamp fell apart and almost fell on his daughter. He said he didn't want to tell Lisa that because she'd freak out. He said she got freaked out when Howard announced he was sick this morning.
Gary said that Lisa is great but she gets excited way too easily over simple things. He said she was asking if he had ever taken a day off before. Gary said he has but not very often. Shuli said she goes crazy over the littlest things like low fat yogurt having fat in it. He said he used to keep a lost of that stuff in the news room.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked why Doug gave the clothes to Shuli before their other friend was having the baby. Scott said he knows that it was the picture that they looked at and that's when they figured they wanted the child seat back. They weren't using it in the picture they saw so they figured they didn't need it.
Lisa G came in so Jon asked about the lamp thing. Lisa said that she was given two lamps and they were very nice. She asked Shuli if he wanted one and Shuli said he did. She got him the lamp shade to go along with it. Lisa said she has one of them in her bedroom and it's beautiful. She said they're very expensive too. She said that the lamp she gave was not used.
Ralph Howard showed up with the list of things that he compiled with the things Lisa gets excited about. Shuli read some of the stuff she just blurted out in the news room. They were from 2008 and were things like Lisa asking why Howard was so gassy one morning.
That led to Jon asking Lisa about Robin's blue lotion that she used to put on. Shuli said she doesn't remember the name of the stuff but she told him that she used to put it on her body to relieve the pain she was suffering from.
The guys spent a little time talking about Robin's stories from this morning. She claims that she wore a neck brace for a while but no one but Benjy remembered that. Gary said he knows that he would have said something about it if he had noticed. Gary said no one noticed anything.
Lisa also talked about how she knew she made a mistake telling Howard that he had everything and he shouldn't feel bad. She said she knew she should shut her mouth after that.
Shuli read some more quotes from Lisa where she talked about sandbags being so archaic. She once asked why they use canaries in mines.
Lisa was also saying that Howard hasn't been sick as long as she's been there. Gary said that Howard was very easily annoyed today and you have to just give him yes and no answers. He said you can't act strange or he'll pick up on that too. He said you have to just figure out a way to let the conversation wind down and get out of the studio as quickly as possible without making trouble. Scott asked if he gets hurt by that. Gary said he does but you just get over it.
Jon asked Gary about what it was that set Howard off today. Gary said that they all go in there to talk to Howard about what they have coming up during the breaks. He said sometimes Tim just stands there without anything to add and that really gets to Howard. Scott said that he has to stop people from talking when Howard is doing live commercials.
Lisa asked what they would do if Howard called in sick. Gary said they have a back up plan and they'd have something to fill in. Steve Brandano asked if Howard didn't show up tomorrow, would they still have the Iron Man 2 screening. Gary said they probably wouldn't.
Jon asked Lisa what she would do if Howard didn't show up tomorrow. Lisa said she would play a Best Of or maybe try to do the show from his house. Gary said he doesn't want to do that. Benjy said that they could do it because it's not like the old days on terrestrial. Scott said he likes when Scott has to sit at Howard's console and work the stuff when they do stuff like that.
Gary said that Howard is usually in a really bad mood when they do the remote stuff. He said he tries to make that stuff work but it's not easy.
Scott came in and said he did test the mic before the break and it was working. He said they pulled it out of a brand new pack of batteries and it was working. Scott said he had witnesses see him check it. He said they heard it was working at the time. DePace said that maybe that person doesn't even exist. Scott said maybe DePace's hair doesn't exist either.
Gary said Howard was kind of out of his mind about the whole thing. Scott said he wasn't even listening because he had checked it before. He said he shouldn't have to listen if he checks it before the segment. Gary said he should listen to make sure things are working though.
Gary said that Will was really irritated during the segment too. Will was in there too so he said that they had it all worked out to use the wireless and then they had to change it around and move around with the mics. Will said Howard just wants to hear everything and he had to run around trying not to block camera shots. He said that he was trying to follow six people's leads.
Scott said that he's going to blame Duracell for the failure. He said that the batteries died in like 5 minutes.
Scott was explaining how both of the two wireless mics have to be on at the same time to work. He said that one of them died and that's what caused the noise. Gary said maybe they should figure out how they can get them to work one at a time. Scott said he will figure that out and get it done.
Jon took a call from a guy who told Gary that anyone can get sick and it doesn't mean that someone at work passed it along. He said that Howard could get sick from many things. Gary said that's true but he tries not to get sick very hard and when he does get sick he blames someone else. Jon said he didn't get Howard sick and ''fuck all of you.'' He went to break a short time later.
Jon moved on to talk about Will the Farter and Dion. He asked if anyone would be willing to do the Will the Farter thing. Will said that even Dion didn't know how bad it was going to be. He said he didn't tell him about the stockade they had him locked in.
Gary said that Will the Farter came in and he was just about naked other than a T-shirt. He asked him how things were and Will said they were fine. He said if they were fine he wouldn't be in a t-shirt, naked, and holding a party blower.
The guys talked about what Will is doing for a living now and how odd it sounded. He's basically a phone sex operator for dudes. That led to Benjy suggesting that they have a competition to see who could do it the best.
Jon said that Dion was in a stockade and Will the Farter's ass was right in his face. Will explained how Will the Farter was on a massage table and his ass was right in Dion's face. He said he wanted to vomit every time he farted too. He's not sure how Dion did it and made it through the whole song. Jon played a short clip of Dion singing with Will farting in his face.
After the clip Gary said he thought Will was very good with the farts today. He said he made the segment very funny. Jon said that Dion was really singing too. He said he was trying. Will said that most of the farts were hitting him on the side of the face. He said that he was definitely feeling them on his face too.
Gary said his favorite farting segment was the girl who had to take the farts for a full minute and she was screaming the whole time and they kept resetting the minute. He said they did that to her for like 15 minutes.
Will said that Dion thought that Cockyoke would have been even worse than this but he thought this was worse. Gary said that singing into a dick seems more gay. Will said that he could have had fecal matter blasted into his face though.
The guys spent a minute talking about how gay it looks to sing into a guy's cock. They were talking about that as if it were a new game called ''Funny or Gay.''
Jon took a call from a woman who asked if Howard is trying to get out of going on the trip with Beth with this illness. Gary doesn't think that's the case but who knows. Jon said that Howard doesn't want to go and maybe it is something like that.
Jon said before the show started Howard seemed under the weather but then it got worse as the show went on. He said he knew that he was going to be public enemy number one since he lost his voice last week.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the Medicated Pete show would be great. He said that they have to let him do it to hear him fail. Gary said that if he had material it wouldn't be as funny. Jon said that Pete does know a lot about bands but he got in the studio and choked. They talked about how Pete just walks into the studio now and doesn't ask for permission. They talked about how he did that today without asking Gary if he should go in.
Gary said he found out that they found Pete at a library. Gary said that he met this woman who works at a library and she was the one who sent him to them. Gary said the woman told him that they get a lot of ''interesting'' people at the library.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to get on Scott's side there. He said he's been doing audio in L.A. for 20 years. He said he opened up some batteries that have died within 20 minutes. He said that they can go bad quickly. The caller said he thinks that the batteries could have been too old. He said that does happen.
Jon said even if that was true, this kind of thing happens very often on the show and Scott gets the blame. The caller said he thinks that Scott needs to pay more attention to the batteries he has. He said the equipment he has is his livelihood and he won't have a job if he doesn't keep up with it.
Gary said they get batteries there that aren't in a wrapped package. He said they come in boxes that aren't tamper proof. Gary said the 9 volts are in a box and you can't tell if they're used or not.
Will said that he doesn't want to get on Scott too much but he should have been listening to the show at the time. He said he didn't come in with new batteries or anything. He said he just sat in his office doing whatever he was doing.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that if Will the Farter was farting on this guy then there could be some health issues there. Will said that's true. He said he was farting right on that guy's face. Gary also mentioned that Will was talking about ripping his asshole open when he was farting.
Gary brought up Dan the Farter who used to leave pellets of shit on their floor when he would come in there and fart.
Jon took another call from a guy who said Howard seems to be becoming more of a bitch on the show. He said he gets upset about such little things. Gary said Howard isn't acting any different than he has in the past and the audience seems to like him the most when he is acting like that. The caller said he seems to be getting worse and worse though. He said it's almost like Howard has PMS or something.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard wussed out and didn't go on Conan's show to bad mouth Jay and today he was picking on Conan. Gary said he didn't think that Conan did that bad in that interview last night. He said Conan is trying to get his name out there again. He said Conan was probably trying to be as honest as he could but he legally can't say certain things. Gary didn't get what the guy's point was because Howard bashes Jay all the time.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she remembers someone coming on the show trying to get their music played and they had to do something really gross. That was one of the only times she's ever turned the show off. They had to drink some of Howard's spit. She said that most of the stuff that they do is funny gross and she appreciates they humor they do. She said she wasn't offended by it at all. <;p>Gary asked the woman how old she is. She's 42. Gary asked if she has any neighbors she can talk to about the show. She said there may be two or so. Gary said that it's not all tits and ass like people think it is. The caller agreed. She said the show is good conversation when you're hanging out with friends and people are shocked when she brings him up.
Jon took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that DePace is a dick. She said that when you give clothes to someone then you don't ask for them back. Mariann said that Shuli should be able to pass the clothes on to whoever he wants. She said that Scott is sucking Doug's balls and that's why he's going against Shuli.
Jon took another call from a woman who had called in earlier. She said that hearing Mariann's voice on the phone was much different than hearing it on the radio. She asked about the calls Howard takes on the phone and if he takes them to change the subject. Gary said he does kind of do that. They do that on this show too.
The caller asked if they think Artie will ever sit in his seat again. Gary said he's really not sure and that's a good question. Gary said that he's not sure they'll even have seats to sit in.
The woman asked if Artie could just show up and sit in. Gary said that someone should let them know if he's going to show up. He said it would be polite if he gave them some notice. Gary said he guesses that he could show up. She asked if he would be allowed in the building. Will said that of course he'd be allowed in there.
The woman also said that she doesn't have any friends who listen to the show. She had a sexy British accent that the guys picked up on. Benjy was particularly taken with it and kept asking her to say stuff in that voice. She had also told the guys she looked like Gina Gershon.
That led to the guys talking about Howard being happy about Letterman getting back to bashing Jay Leno. Ralph called in and said that they should invite that British chick down to the studio to see what she looks like. Ralph said that he thinks they should get her in there. He would have left her on the phone. Jon said she hung up on him, he didn't hang up on her.
Shuli asked Ralph where he sides in the Goodstein thing. Ralph said that he didn't hear the original fight so he's not sure. He said he got some of the conversation. He said he thinks he knows what went on but they should just recap what goes on during the show. Ralph said he thinks that Doug gave him stuff and he should have been more clear about what he wanted. Ralph said he thinks that Shuli and his wife have more to worry about than going through clothes.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he had a theory about Howard being pissy today. The guy said he thinks that Howard let Beth watch that movie (Private Parts) and it's been getting worse and worse. He said it's like a snowball effect. He said that it's been going downhill since they watched the movie. Gary said they've been married for a couple of years and the movie was a big deal in his career. He said he gets why Howard wouldn't want to watch it now with Beth.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he was at a dinner party this weekend and some woman said she that's Howard Stern so he asked if she knew anything about him. He said she thought she did but she thought he had cheated on his wife. The guy said that he wants to know how they defend Howard when they work on the show. Gary said he picks and chooses his fights. He said he was on a flight with a woman one time and she told him how disgusting Howard Stern was when she thought Bob Guccione was great. He said he just wanted to get off the plane and get away from the woman. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about how he was going to try this again without his voice. He said he's sick and he's going to try this for a while. He said Beth is coming in to promote her book. Willie Nelson is also coming in. He said he's cool for now but if his voice goes he's just going to leave. He said he can't stand listening to the radio when people sound like crap. He said it's really annoying.
Howard said he's walking around all irritated and irritable. He said he's so angry he wants to smash things. He said he really doesn't want to be there. He said he's sick of it.
Robin asked Howard what he did yesterday. Howard said he went home and sat around trying to get better. He went out to dinner with his daughter because he'll never pass up a dinner with his kids. He said he went out to get some soup. He had some vegetable soup that Robin might like. She doesn't like the salt they put in it.
Howard said Robin got a lot of email about the stuff she's been complaining about. He said he was supposed to do something with her when she was sick but didn't even know it. Howard said you can't go up to a woman and tell them they're fat. Robin said he could have pulled her to the side and asked if everything was okay.
Howard said he had to take a vitamin C. Robin told him that the green drink is like rocket fuel and he should try that. Howard said maybe he'll try that for lunch. He said he'll do anything to get out of this loop he's stuck in. Robin said that stuff is really good and it even took care of a hangover. Robin said that what she was drinking was a ''grasshopper'' full of pineapple, pear, wheat grass and something else. Howard said it looks gross.
Howard read some email about Robin. People were complaining about her tweets and how she's going out to Napa on a fact finding mission. Robin said she was out there investigating some stuff for a charity thing she might be working on.
Jason brought in some lemon for Howard. Howard got back to the email and had some feedback about the door closing that he was complaining about yesterday. Howard said the fans noticed how loud it was. One guy wrote that it actually helps with the show when he hears it opening. Then he said it's too loud. Howard said his fans are strange. Howard said the studio they have is nice but they have this floating floor that's really noisy. He said the door is loud too. He said he's really ragged out today because of this illness.
Howard said he's really sick and he doesn't want to be there. He said today is going to be worse. He said that everyone should stay away from him.
Howard said Will the Farter was amazing yesterday. He said that he's got this business where he does gay phone sex stuff and he's into a lot of other gay stuff. That's how he's making money though. Howard said the guy wants to be a waiter and a masseuse now too.
Howard said Sal and Richard took clips of him talking to Will as Brutal Master to make a phony phone call on a Jack and Rod Show bit. Howard played that clip and Sal and Richard were talking to a financial guy about his web site when they used the clips. They had Howard talking to the guy telling him he was worshiping him and kept calling him Brutal Master. Howard asked him to twist his nippies and the guy said that was too weird and hung up.
Howard said that Will tells these guys he's cash raping them and the gay guys love it. Howard wondered what the fuck is going on with that business. Robin wondered how he has time for that. Howard said he was wondering that too.
Howard said he had some more email about the Doug Goodstein and Shuli thing. He said there isn't one positive email about Doug. He read through a bunch of the negative comments he got about Doug. It was all against Doug for asking for his baby clothes back.
Howard said he witnessed that clothing thing when his sister got some clothes and her friend asked for them back like 10 years later. Howard wondered why anyone would want them back after that. He said that they had been washed a million times and they were 15 years old. Howard said they got like a million emails about that.
Howard said someone complained about Robin giving out false information about the oil spill. She said that BP wasn't going to pay for the oil spill but the writer said that they said they are going to pay.
Howard read some more email about Robin. They complained about her always complaining about the things she's had to suffer through. There were some other comments about her opinions on some news stories she's read lately. A few people were telling Robin about the new immigration laws in Arizona since Robin had commented on them during the news yesterday.
Howard read an email from a fan who said that his subscription had lapsed and he didn't hear Howard for two weeks and realizes what it will be like when he retires. Howard said that the guy says that retiring now would be a waste of his talent. He said that was very nice but he's looking forward to wasting his talent when he does retire. He said he has spent time at home and has done radio shows in his head. He said that he uses all of that energy to give Beth ideas for going on Letterman and things like that.
Howard read a bunch of email about Medicated Pete's radio show that they were planning yesterday. Howard said the fans liked the idea but he can't get Tim to come back in the studio to talk about it since he kicked him out yesterday.
Howard asked Fred to just say something. Then he found the music and played it to introduce Fred. The theme is just ''Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred... He's a Fred he's wonderful Fred'' repeated over and over again.
Howard told Fred to go ahead. Fred said that everyone should watch the History of U.S. on the History Channel. He suggested that and said that the guy who started the U.S. Army was gay so they should let gay's in the military. That was basically it for the Fred segment.
Howard played Fred out but continued the discussion about this guy that Fred was talking about. They spent another 30 seconds on that and played Fred out with the theme music again. Fred said next time he'll tell everyone about how to train your kid how to ride a bicycle and get the training wheels off in 15 minutes. Howard said he's not supposed to tease like that.
Howard retired that bit. He said he was cleaning out his system there. Howard said he had the ''Howard Stern Retarded'' movie trailer to play too. He played that one more time. Howard told the guys to take that one back too.
Howard said he had some audio clips of Lyndon Johnson that were recorded at the White House. He said that Johnson was a pretty salty guy and he made phone calls to his tailor and he was like White Trash almost. Howard said he was like a good ol' boy. He said it starts out kind of boring though. Howard played the audio and in the clip Johnson was talking to the tailor about some slacks that he liked but he wanted them changed. He was asking for more room in the pants so he could have more room and longer pockets. He was asking for the crotch to be made less tight so his nuts wouldn't be smashed in there. He was also asked for more room in the back for his ''bung hole.''
Howard said there's a politician who is running on an ''English only'' campaign. He said the guy is Tim James and he was very dramatic when he was doing this commercial. He played the audio of the commercial from the guy who is running for office in Alabama. He was saying that it will save money to not give tests in multiple languages. Howard said he wouldn't be able to learn another language if he moved to another country.
Howard said JD hit on a girl there at SIRIUS and he heard the news report about it. He said it was pretty interesting. He said JD saw this girl who liked Macaroni and Cheese and he asked her to come over to play video games and eat macaroni and cheese with him. Howard played the clip where Steve Langford reported on this incident with someone named Christina. Steve had asked her about what JD did and she gave Steve all of the details about what JD had done and how he had sent a friend request to her on Facebook.
Howard said he got the vibe that JD moved too fast and asked her to his apartment. Robin said it was kind of creepy the way he went about it. Robin goofed on him about that.
Howard said he loves hearing updates about JD. Robin asked if he's seeing that girl they heard about before. Howard said he's not sure. He and Fred goofed on JD and did their impressions for a few seconds.
Howard mentioned that it looks like Kate Hudson definitely got breast implants. He said they also had some pictures of Cameron Diaz doing the walk of shame last night. He said they caught her in her evening clothes leaving A-Rod's apartment building. He said he doesn't know this guy A-Rod but he seems like the usual juice head jock. He said he met the guy once and shook his hand but it looked like he shaved his arm hair. He said it was very odd. He said it was pretty legendary that he had banged Kate Hudson.
Howard found out that Jared shaves his body hair too. Howard wanted to know who put that note up. Robin said it was probably JD. Howard said it probably was and wondered why he would know that.
Howard said Cameron Diaz is so good looking and he doesn't know why she would waste her time with A-Rod. He said he felt bad for her doing the walk of shame. He said she's had a few too many public romances. He said that she's also gone out with other famous guys who have dumped her. Howard said Cameron can't think that she can tame this guy. Robin said maybe she just wants a good pump.
Howard said A-Rod might be past the number of women that should be acceptable. He said that he's gotten far too many. Robin said that John Stamos does that too. Howard said that's a different story.
Howard got back to the story about the gala that these A-list celebrities go to. He said they just go to show off the clothes. He said that the women had on some outfits that no one would wear anywhere else. He said they were just standing around in these fancy gowns and doing nothing else. He said that Oprah looks huge and he can't imagine why she doesn't just lose weight. Robin thinks she has the same ''syndrome'' that she has.
Howard said they arrested someone in the Times Square car bomb scare. He said that the good thing is that these idiots don't know how to set up a bomb. Howard read that the guy was a naturalized citizen. He said he was reading about the guy trying to flee the United States. He read the article to Robin and said that they found that the guy was from Pakistan and he had moved here and became a citizen. Howard said here are so many people that want to be here and this douche bag is there instead. Howard said the guy's name was Faisal Shahzad
Howard said he doesn't know if the guy is innocent or guilty but he's not going to un-friend him on Facebook just yet. He had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said he was pissed at Oprah yesterday. He said that Naomi Campbell was on the show. He said that he was home sick and watched. He said that Naomi is so fuckin' beautiful. He said she appears to wear a wig all the time though. He said she's also such a fucking asshole. He said you see her and you can't believe that she's that fucked up. He said she's stunningly beautiful. Howard said Oprah let her off the hook and didn't ask her about much. He said she did ask her about throwing the phone and the blood diamond but she wasn't talking about the diamond. Howard said Oprah let her off the hook on everything.
Howard said Oprah was talking to Naomi about the men she has been with but she glossed over it all. He said it was the worst interview ever. Howard said Oprah kept going to commercial when things would get uncomfortable. He said she sucks ass because he learned nothing.
JD said they had Naomi crying and Oprah cut to commercial. He said that he wanted to see the cry but they said it was the ''ugly cry'' and did that during the commercials. Howard said Naomi is living in Russia now and she's living with some weird Russian guy.
Howard said Oprah went through every offense that Naomi had and Naomi brushed them all off like they were nothing. He said they were also talking about her public service and stuff like that and she came across as such a nothing. Fred said the one thing he learned is that she's really stupid. That's why she throws shit at people.
Howard said Naomi is hot. Robin said she saw her at a hotel in Miami once and she had guards around her in the hot sun while she was in a bikini. She said she had bodyguards at all four corners. Howard said he saw Beyonce at the same hotel and she had two huge men next to her. He said they looked like professional wrestlers staring at the pool while she was there on her lounge. He said they were helping to wrap the towel around her and stuff. They actually shooed a young girl away from her when she got too close. Howard said he wouldn't recognize Beyonce if she ran right into him.
Paris told Howard that he's the real guy and there's no way he would be up this early to clear his name if he wasn't. Howard said that Paris is in the play ''Hair.'' He asked if they still sing the song where they mention all of the racist names. Paris said they do. Howard sang some of the song and Paris said it has a different meaning when he sings it.
Paris told Howard that the nudity is optional in the play. He said it always has been. The nudity isn't sexual and it's not meant to be titillating so they're not forced to do it. Howard asked how many do that. Paris said there are a few people who don't do it and just a couple of cast members. He said that there was one girl who was just 17 when she was in the play so she didn't do it.
Paris said that Diana does get nude. He said he hasn't seen her naked. Howard said bullshit. Paris said that he's never seen her naked. He said it's really not about that. Howard asked if he knows if she shaves her bush. Paris said he doesn't know and he wouldn't talk about it even if he did.
Howard said Eric wants to see Diana naked. Eric said he does. Eric said he would like to go to the play. Paris said that he spoke to Diana about it the other day and she said that if they're that curious they should come to see the play. He said they know that's part of the selling point of the play but that's not what it's all about.
Howard said Eric is interested in seeing tittie and vagine. Eris said that is part of seeing her nude so yeah. Howard said he figured they'd ask them to grow out a bush if it was a 1960s based play. Paris said they've never actually discussed that. Howard said that he'd never appear nude in a play like that and figured that all of the guys must have big penises. Paris said the play really isn't about that though.
Howard said the fake Paris was much more revealing. He said he might have to go back to him. Howard asked if anyone is hitting on Diana. Paris didn't know anything about that either.
Paris kept telling Howard that the play isn't sexual so the penis size doesn't matter. Howard still wanted to know how big he was. Paris didn't want to answer. Howard said he was trying to interview the guy. Paris said he didn't want to say. Howard said he's asking because he knows he could never do that himself. Howard said he must have a big cock. Paris said you don't think about that in the play. Howard said he's not thinking about it because he must have a big cock. Howard said that his penis inverts sometimes and he'd be nervous on stage.
Paris said that moment is the least sexual thing in the play though. He said you just don't think about it. Howard wrapped up with him and gave him some plugs. He said that Eric will be over toe see the play sometime. He said he wants to see Diana naked so he'll be going for that. They spent another minute talking about the play and then Howard let him go.
Howard told Eric he's going to have to sit through a lot of cock to get to that vagine. He said that he's going to the play to see people naked and he doesn't want clothes to be optional. He said that they should get more hot chicks to get naked in the play.
Howard asked Robin about seeing Nicole Kidman naked on stage. Robin said she looked great but the play was horrible. Howard asked how often she was naked. Robin said it wasn't that often. She said it was one of the worst plays she's ever seen.
Eric was wondering what Howard's thoughts were on Bubba being fired from TNA. Howard said he's not sure what's real. Gary said it is real. He said he spoke to Tim about it.
Howard said Bubba was on this Cowhead show and he called awesome Kong some names and the TNA people let him go. Howard said he's not sure what's going on there. He said that Bubba called Kong a ''black bitch'' and they were upset about that. Howard said he thinks that Awesome Kong is more racist than black bitch though.
Howard said he's not sure what's real and what's fake but Bubba was good on TNA wrestling. He said Bubba was upset with that Kong chick and he got her on the phone and confronted her. That hit happened months ago so Robin wondered why he brought it up last week.
JD came in and told Howard about what was going on with them and said he had some clips to play too. Howard played a clip of Bubba talking to Kong on the phone during this Cowhead show. Bubba was calling her names in the clip and Howard said he was a little rough on her. Bubba and Kong were talking over one another through most of the clip.
Bubba called her a coward and told her to come see him. She told him to come to her house where they could flight it out in person. Bubba said he had asked her to come on his show and she backed out.
Robin said she's not sure why they're talking to each other if they don't like each other. Bubba said he wanted to do a show where they could raise money for Haiti. Bubba told her that he'd kick her ass right then. She hung up on them.
Howard said Bubba got fired from TNA for that. Howard took another call from a guy who said that most of the fighting is because Kong said that someone called her saying he was Bubba and said some racist stuff to her. The guy said that she blind sided Bubba with her punch that day and that's why they're going through all of this stuff. The caller also told Howard who Cowhead is. He's the afternoon DJ in Tampa.
Gary said he saw a posting about how Bubba is saying that the woman who runs TNA is going to feel his wrath. Eric said that Bubba should lay off of her because she's a nice woman.
Eric asked if they're going to watch Johnny Fratto on the Deadliest Warrior on Spike TV. Howard said he didn't know what he was talking about and he had to go. He didn't understand what Eric was talking about. Gary explained it to Howard and said that they can make up fake fights between people and Johnny is involved with the show somehow. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard came back and said that Willie Nelson was there. He said he listens to Coffee House on SIRIUS and whenever they play one of his songs it stops him in his tracks. Howard told Willie he was sick so he didn't want to shake his hand. Howard said he has a cold but Willie didn't care. He shook his hand anyway.
Howard said he loves Willie. Willie said he loves him too. Howard told him that he's blessed with those songs of his. Willie noticed Howard had cut his hair. Willie still had the long pony tail. Howard said that's wife number 5. Willie said he doesn't remember. Howard said he remembers that wife that used to tie him up and beat him in the bed. Willie didn't seem to care about that.
Howard said Willie had been alone from the age of 6 months. Willie has a sister and she remembers their parents. Willis said he got to know them later on in life and they got along well. He said they played music together. Willie said that he knows why they left him when they did. He was raised by his grandmother and his grandfather was a blacksmith. He said that he'd hang out with his grandfather but he died when he was 6. Willie said his grandmother used to make $18 a week working in a cafeteria. He said that she spoiled them rotten when she was raising them.
Howard asked Willie when he started to get famous. Willie said it was probably after he was 19 or 20. Willie used to spoil his grandmother rotten and when his parents came looking for a hand out he didn't give them anything. Willie said that anger works against him and he doesn't like himself when he gets angry. Howard said he read that his kids say that the pot is what calmed him down. Willie said that the drinking really made him angry.
Howard asked about Willie's parents leaving him and what happened when they started coming around. Willie said his parents divorced and they ended up separating so they weren't around. He said that they'd come and visit him at his grandparents house separately. Willie said it didn't bother him because his grandparents were great. He said that his grandmother spoiled them rotten and she was great. Willie said it was probably a blessing in disguise. Howard asked Willie if she saw he was a talent early on. Willie said that she really did. She encouraged them to play early on.
Howard asked when he started writing stuff. Willis said he wrote a poem when he was just 5 years old. Robin asked where this ability comes from. Howard said it's a gift from god.
Howard asked Willie how he's doing with the new wife. Willie said that he's 77 so it's not difficult to stay faithful. He said he and his wife still have some fun trips once in a while. He said that the desire stays the same but the ability lessens. Willie said he loves good looking women so that never goes away.
Howard said he's slowed down a bit but he doesn't have to take Viagra or anything like that. Willie said he has tried it but he doesn't like it. He said his wife doesn't like it either. He said it takes everything out of it because you don't have a choice in it when you get that boner. Howard asked if it hurts when he gets the boner. He said he might have to write a song about that.
Howard asked Willie about dating Amy Irving who married Steven Spielberg. Willie said he did date her. Howard heard that Spielberg stole her away. Willie said he was married at the time so it wasn't a decision for him to make. Howard heard that Willie cried when she was stolen away. Willie said he did love her but she's happy now and he's happy now too. Howard asked if he felt guilty when he was cheating on his wife. Willie said of course he did.
Howard asked Willie about smoking weed and Willie told Howard that he's been using a vaporizer lately so it's not as damaging to his lungs.
Howard asked Willie if he still gets money from that song ''Crazy'' that he wrote. Willie said that it does still bring in money. He said that it's been recorded more than any of his songs and he held on to the rights of the song. Willie said that he had to decide to hold on to the publishing and he had to hold on to them because they're like his children.
Howard asked Willie about how he got into financial troubles. Willie said that his accountants told him not to pay his $2 million in taxes and get into some tax shelters. That led to him getting $32 million behind in taxes. Howard asked if he is settled now. Willie said that he is clear. Howard asked if he's doing the touring because he wants to or because he needs the cash. Willie said he likes doing it and he could retire and be okay.
Howard asked Willie if he lives in splendor. Willie said he has a few nice houses around the country. He said he's doing just fine. Howard asked if he keeps his money in the bank. Willie said he gives some to his wife and doesn't put it in the bank. Howard asked Willie if he's really not putting it in the bank. Willie said he has a management team that takes care of all of that for him.
Howard said Willie has a new album out and he'll play something from it. He said that it's the classic songs that he's put on a CD. The CD is ''Country Music.'' Howard talked to Willie about the movie ''Crazy Heart'' and how similar it was to what he saw going on in the music industry. Willie said it was funny to him actually. Howard said he must be high. Willie was high and said that he had smoked before he came there. Willie was surprised that Howard hadn't smoked.
Howard asked how high he was. Willie asked on a scale of what? Willie said that he would like to be at a 10 on a scale of 10. Howard asked if he doesn't want to be normal. Willie said he smokes to get normal while most people smoke to get high. Howard asked Willie if he can quit. Willie said he has before and he can do that.
Howard said he can't smoke weed. He said he has tried other stuff too but he can't do any of that. Howard asked Willie if he has tried coke. Willie said he did but that's not for him.
Howard said Willie was busted for having pot and mushrooms on him back in 2006. He said he's in his 70s and he's doing stuff that 18 year olds do. Willie said that they had a lot of people on the bus and he's not into mushrooms so they weren't even his.
Howard asked Willie about the ''Crazy Heart'' movie and how he got this guy T-Bone to produce his album. Willie said he saw the movie and got together with T-Bone and they worked on the album.
Howard said Billy Bob Thornton had that meltdown a few years ago and he was on tour with Willie at the time. Howard said that Billy Bob seems to be nuts. Willie said they're all a little nuts. Howard asked if Billy Bob can play. Willie said that he's a great actor and he thinks that he can act like he's singing and he's pretty good at it.
Howard read that Willie is scheduled to appear with Larry King's wife at a show this summer. Howard asked if he knows what's going on with that chick. Willie said he's heard rumors. Howard told Willie about how the wife was supposedly banging a guy named Hector and Larry was banging her sister. Willie asked ''What's wrong with that?''
Howard said he heard that Willie's wife, Annie, was there. Willie told them to bring Annie in. Howard said he heard that Owen Wilson was staying at Willie's house before he tried to kill himself. Willie said he's friendly with him and some other guys like Woody Harrelson. Howard said he wishes he had friends like that. He said he would love someone like Owen Wilson to stay at his house and then try to commit suicide.
Gary said that Annie doesn't want to come in. He said she does want Howard to know that she is wife number 4 and she's been with Willie for 25 years. She's not number 5 like they said. Howard said even Willie thought she was number 5. Willie told Howard that his wife likes to make pot chocolate candy and it's really good.
Howard asked Willie about Owen Wilson some more and asked if he pretends like it didn't happen when he tried to kill himself. Willie said that they don't talk about it. Robin said that they're doing the same thing with someone from the show. They don't bring it up.
Howard wanted to listen to some of Willie's music. He said that Willie is a legend and wanted to know what it was like. Willie said it ain't bad.
Howard asked Willie if he laughs at the kids today who are using Autotune. Willie didn't even know what the Autotune thing was so Howard demonstrated it. Willie said he had never heard that. Howard asked if he hangs out with guys like Snoop Dogg. Willie said that he and Snoop do hang out but they've probably never had a conversation. Howard figured that because neither of them talk much.
Howard asked Willie what he and his buddies do when they hang out. Willie said he has a nice spot out in the woods where they can do whatever they want to do. He said they hang out by the ocean and play chess, dominoes, poker and things like that.
Howard asked if he watches porn with the guys. Willie said they might make some porn but they don't watch it. He said they have also had some good looking women come over too.
Howard played the song ''Pistol Packin' Mama'' from the new CD ''Country Music.'' Howard said it was no big deal to Willie to do a song like that. It just comes naturally to him.
Howard said Willie has a channel there at SIRIUS called Willie's Place. Willie said that he grew up in radio and he was a DJ for a while.
Howard took a call from a guy who wished Willie a happy belated birthday. Willie couldn't hear anything because his headphones were off. Howard said that he was wondering why Willie wasn't hearing what he was saying during the interview. Gary said that they're supposed to be checked first thing and they're not supposed to be turned off.
The caller asked Willie where he would like to go down in history. Willie said he would consider himself a writer more than anything. The caller agreed.
Another caller asked Willie what he thinks about American Idol and if he would be a guest on the show. He also asked if he was going to perform a song for them. Willie said he's never seen American Idol so he doesn't know much about it.
Howard and the caller asked about Carrie Underwood. Willie said that she's talented but then said that he wouldn't know her if he heard her on the radio.
A caller asked Willie about the kind of pot he smokes. Willie said that the legal stuff is good. He said he's tried some of that in various states. He said that it's the same growers and they know what they're doing. He said the Humboldt County stuff is still very good. He said the stuff in this country is very good. Willie said the stuff in Amsterdam is good too. He said the medical stuff in California is really good stuff too.
Robin asked Willie what the right number of women to sleep with in your life is. Willie wasn't sure what that even meant. Howard explained what he was saying earlier in the morning about A-Rod being pussy obsessed and how he's banging chick after chick. Willie said that he can't imagine what he's going through because he's on a whole other level than he and Howard are. Howard asked how many women he had banged at once. Willie said 84 so Howard asked if he was serious. Willie just said ''No.''
Howard gave Willie some more plugs for his album and talked to him about his kids. Willie said he has like 8 or 9 kids. Howard said he spoke to his daughter when the Barbi Twins called in with her on the line. Howard asked if he really doesn't know how many kids he has. Willie said it's something like that. He said he had a kid turn up a few years ago that he didn't know about and it turned out to be his. He said he has gotten to know this kid and she's not a kid now. He said she's a grown woman with kids of her own. He said she hasn't asked for any money yet but just give it time.
Willie told Howard he was sleeping outside on his ranch one time and he likes to do that once in a while. He said this kid was standing over him and the kid told him he was his son. He was about 18-19 years old. He said he didn't remember the woman who his mother was and he never did find out if it was really his kid. Willie said he gave the kid a couple hundred bucks and sent him on his way. He said he never did find out if it was his. He said he doesn't want to find out either. Howard gave Willie some more plugs and then wrapped up and went to break.
Howard came back and sang along to the song but got the lyrics wrong. Beth was sitting in so she said she's just as sick as Howard is. Beth said she was going to put fake poo all over the seat in the bathroom. She said she was so paranoid leaving the bathroom that she checked it twice to make sure it was clean.
Howard said Beth is kicking off her book promotion today. She's going to be on the Today Show tomorrow and then Letterman on Thursday. Howard said he's feeling the pressure for this interview too. He said he would prefer that all of his fans just go out and buy it and get it over with.
Beth said she thinks that she has written a great book and they've gotten some benefit from the book themselves. She said that someone asked her to put together a book because she seemed to be an expert on dogs. She said she wasn't an expert though so she had to do a lot of research. Beth said she was willing to do the book with the experts she knows.
Howard said Beth was going out doing all of this work and people thought she was in charge of all animals. People were asking questions about dogs that she wasn't able to answer. Beth said she just loves dogs and she wants people to do things the right way. Howard said people thought she was all knowing about pets so everyone was asking questions. Beth said she'd go online looking for answers and she found so many different opinions and there was a lot of bogus information.
Beth said she found the information and her book is 500 pages of what she found. Howard said she was researching food and they ended up switching foods because of the research. Beth said they were using a major brand of food and she realized that it consisted mostly of peanut shells. She said the poop was fine but she wasn't getting any nutrition at all. Her fur got thicker and now she's got more energy from the change of food. Howard said if you keep the book around it's a good source of research.
Beth said she has lists of things that you should keep organized for emergencies around the house. They worked on that list and it's in the book.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said she ordered her book and she's going to be at Letterman when she's there. She said that they're all going to see her at the book signing too. Beth said she appreciates Mariann coming to the Letterman thing.
Howard said Beth is really nervous about the Letterman thing. Beth was trying to get him to talk about something. It was the dog tooth brush thing. Beth said that brushing your pet's teeth can help them live longer. Beth said that it's not an option, it's a necessity. She has developed a dog tooth brush and it's actually a dental pen and you can use peanut butter or vanilla flavor when you brush their teeth. Beth showed it to Robin and told her how to brush. She said you can find that at PawfectSmile.com
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what it would cost if he wanted to lick Beth's pussy. Beth said it would be a million dollars to North Shore Animal League.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he ordered Beth's book from Amazon and he and his wife got a dog about a year and a half ago. They saved it from being euthanized. He said the dog has been great. The guy said that they did that because they listen to the show. Beth congratulated him on that. Beth said they're in love with their new cat Apple too. She said that it's great to save a pet from a shelter.
Another caller asked what it was like clipping Howard's toe nails the other day. She said she had done it before. The caller also asked about his bloody balls. Beth said that cutting the nails wasn't bad. She said she will cut his nails anytime. She said his feet are very clean. Howard said he doesn't want his wife cutting them but he can't see his nails so good so he clips up his own feet. Beth said she doesn't mind doing it.
Beth also talked about Howard asking her to come upstairs and he ran at her with his balls in his hand to show her the blood. Howard said he had gone running that day and he came back and took a shower. Howard said that he doesn't want his wife seeing his balls like that either. Beth said she likes his balls but maybe not so close. Howard said Beth started squeezing his balls. Beth said they're very sensitive. The caller said Howard is a very lucky man to have Beth.
Beth said that Howard had some wild sounds coming out of him. He has to wear a mouth piece for grinding his teeth. She said there was gurgling and stuff going on because of the illness.
Howard asked Beth what she would do if the Nazis came to her and made her choose between the dog and the cat. Who would she let live. Beth said that question was gross. She said she can't answer that. Howard asked her who she would throw overboard. Beth said she's going to look like a shit head either way. Beth said that Bianca can't swim. They already learned that.
Howard said he thinks it was a disaster watching ''Private Parts'' the other day. Beth said it did get weird. She said that they got to the part where their baby was born. She said she loved Robin in the movie though. She said that they broke for dinner and never went back to the movie. Beth said she would have watched the rest of it. She said it did get weird but she would have watched the rest of it. Beth said she felt Howard was uncomfortable with it so she figured he wanted to stop. Beth said that she and Howard think as one so she knows when Howard is upset. Howard said Robin hates that.
Robin said that she doesn't hate that. She just hates people who always agree on the exact same things all the time.
Howard asked about Robin thinking that he should have asked her if everything was okay when she was getting fat. Robin said she thinks that Howard could have said something to her about her weight. Beth said that's really hard. Howard said he likes Robin with a little weight and big titties. He said he can't tell Robin about being fat.
Howard mentioned that Robin is supposed to go to dinner with Rosie O'Donnell. Beth said that they're supposed to go out with her too. Robins said that Rosie has canceled on her for a second time already. Howard said Rosie has canceled on them too.
Howard said that Beth is going to be doing a bunch of shows. She's on the Today Show tomorrow in the 8 o'clock hour. She'll be on Letterman on Thursday and on Jimmy Kimmel on the 13th. Howard said hew ants to talk about the Letterman thing but Beth didn't want to get into it. She's very nervous about going on the show. Howard thinks that she should ask Dave about why she was fired from the show when she started dating Howard Stern.
Howard said Beth used to work in sketches over at Letterman and she was doing that for a couple of years. He said that she was loving the job too. Beth said the money was horrible but she loved doing the show. Within two weeks of announcing that she was dating Howard Stern, they stopped calling her. Robin said everyone loved her over there too. Beth said she can't wait to visit them over there. Beth said she never even made eye contact with Dave when she was working there. She said it wasn't like that.
Howard asked Beth if she would have dated Dave if he had asked her out. Beth said she might have gone out with him. Howard said that disappoints him. He said if she wants to go out with him then she should. Beth said that she isn't going to do that. She said that even when she and Howard were really sick yesterday they had a great time together. Beth said that they were home together watching TV and they were so happy. They talked about the TV they watched and said they had a great weekend together too. Howard said he gets neurotic on the weekends because he has to work and he thinks that it would be great to retire.
Beth said she's going to be interviewed for the History of Howard Stern after the show today. She said they're up to that part of the history now.
Robin ended up talking about Naomi Campbell and how she had met her before. That led to Howard playing some clips of her on Oprah's show. Howard said Oprah was kissing her ass. Howard said he and Beth loved watching the show together. He said he was yelling at the TV for blowing that interview. Beth said they watched some shows last week too and they were great. Howard said he said that on the air. They talked about the Octomom episode and the Mo'Nique's brother episode too.
Howard gave Beth some plugs for her book ''Oh My Dog: How to Choose, Train, Groom, Nurture, Feed, and Care for Your New Best Friend'' and said that it's a good resource for when you get a dog. Beth said it's not the kind of book you sit down and read. It's something you refer to in a time of need.
Howard took a call from a guy in Pittsburgh who congratulated Beth on her book. The caller said that he heard that Beth likes to be playfully spanked and he won't ask his guests that anymore. Howard said he asks about it but he doesn't spank women on the show. Beth said he can do that if he wants. Beth said she's fine with that. Howard said he's not going to blow it with Beth by doing that. He said he has spanked Beth before. The caller still thought that Howard wasn't asking that question anymore. Howard said that was the worst call.
Ralph called in and congratulated Beth on the book. Ralph said he is upset that Beth didn't say that she'd get rid of the cat in the Sophie's choice thing earlier. He said it's a no brainer.
Ralph said he believes that Dave had nothing to do with Beth not being back on the show. Howard said he thinks Dave is a micro manager of the show and he knew it all. He said he knows every single thing that goes on with the show. Beth disagreed. Howard said she should ask Dave about that. He said they'll see when she asks him about it. Beth said she has to ask Ralph about what shoes to wear. Ralph said he'll stop by today to check them out. Howard said he knows that Ralph is sitting there touching his penis when Beth gives him the fashion show.
Howard said when you go on these shows, as a woman, you almost have an obligation to look great. He said most women don't have anything to say and they have to look good. He said that guys want to see a good looking woman. Beth said maybe she should wear something sexy instead of formal then. Howard said Beth needs a certain amount of credibility so maybe she shouldn't be wearing something too revealing.
Beth said she was told by a model that Dave has a neck problem and you can't hug him. Howard said that's bullshit and Dave wouldn't mind it if Beth hugged him. Howard said he thinks that Dave has pain but it's not real pain. He said he has to see Dr. Sarno about that neck pain. Howard said the interns that Dave was with got to hug him.
Vinnie Favale (HereAfterMusical.com) called in and told Beth they're all very excited to have her on the show. Vinnie was whispering because he was on a bus on his way to work. Howard told Vinnie to tell Dave he's proud of him for bashing Jay Leno. Howard also asked Vinnie about what he thought of Conan's 60 Minutes interview. Vinnie said he thinks that he was gagged about what he could say because of the contract he had with NBC.
Howard said that Beth wants him at Letterman but he thinks that this is her moment and she doesn't need him there. Beth said that it's all because of Howard that she even got the book deal. She said that Howard is part of the whole thing. She said he's the root of it all. Vinnie was whispering stuff to her so it was hard to even hear what he was telling them.
Howard said that he has some ideas for Beth. He said that he can't talk about them though. He said they're secret. Vinnie said that they're very happy to have Beth on the show on Thursday night. Beth said that Brian Williams is the first guest on the show and she loves him. She said that he adopted a pet from the North Shore Animal League.
Howard asked what Brian Williams is going to talk about, the news? Howard asked Beth if she would have gone out with him too. Beth said she would have. Beth said that she's going to tell a story on Letterman about why Dave is the reason that she and Howard are married. She's saving that story for Dave's show.
Howard kept asking about this Brian Williams being on Letterman and how that's supposed to go up against Leno. Robin said that he's actually an NBC guy said he should be on Leno. Gary said that Samuel L. Jackson and Kara Dioguardi are on Leno that night up against Beth. Beth said that they're both big deals. Robin and Howard said that Jackson isn't a great interview though.
Howard gave Beth some more plugs and said that Beth will be signing books at Barnes and Nobel in Lincoln Square on May 10th. Ralph called back again and said that Brian Williams is actually very good on talk shows so he should be a good lead in for Beth.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that puppy mills are still legal in many states and people should not buy from pet stores. The guy said that they have to get the laws changed to stop it.
Another caller said he was going to offer his services to Robin and he's willing to marry her. Robin said that's Howard saying she wants to get married. Howard said Robin is very loving and she needs a man who is going to be there for her in every way. The caller said he's the man. He was out in Ohio though. Howard said Robin is a jet setter so she could fly around. The caller said he could bang her good.
Howard let the caller go and then gave Beth some more plugs and said he's very proud of her. He's going to be flying out to Los Angeles with Beth. They're going to Jimmy Kimmel's for a party and Rick Rubin just RSVP'd and said he'll be there. Howard told Beth she has done the impossible and wrote this book that people will celebrate. He wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard came back and took a call from a guy who said Beth's accent was really coming through today. Howard said he wasn't keyed into that. The caller said it could hear it. Howard said Beth is back taping the History of Howard Stern Part IV.
Howard said he had the new Jack and Rod Show bit to play again. He said it was a good one so he would play that one again. Howard said they took clips of him talking to Will the Farter's ''Brutal Master'' character and used them on the Jack and Rod Show when they spoke to this guy Gordon Bennett. He had played this one earlier in the show too.
After that Howard wondered what he was saying when he said ''glans moans.'' He figured he was trying to say Glans Penis.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he rescued a cat because of Beth and he wanted to thank her for that. Howard said Beth talked him into rescuing that cat and he loves the cat now. He said it's the cutest thing. Howard said he always loved cats but he wasn't into getting one right now. Howard said Robin thinks she's right all the time and that's just not the case. Robin said it wasn't about it being her idea. She said that Beth had to wait for 3 years to get that cat.
Howard said that he'll pass on the word to Beth about the cat rescue. He said that was a nice thing to do. Robin said she's thinking about getting another cat. She would rescue one like this guy did. Howard told her to get a dog. Robin said she can't get a dog because of her schedule. She said one of her cats has to have shots every day so she has to pay someone to do that. Howard said that must be tough to find someone to trust to do that.
Howard asked who the person is that takes care of the cats. Robin said it's a guy. She said that he'll bring his kids and they all play with the cats. Robin said the kids are young and very nice. She said that it's fine. Howard said he can't imagine what she's paying out for that. Robin said she's paying in the neighborhood of $250 per week for that.
Howard said he would sell tours of Robin's apartment to people if he were that guy. Robin said that animals are a commitment and you have to take care of them.
Steve said they have a story about High Pitch Eric and how he has a new home. Steve said he's also got a job at a restaurant and he just started yesterday. Howard said they must keep him in the back out of the public eye. Howard said they probably talk about the horrible monster they have working in the back. Howard asked what he's doing there. Steve said they're holding back on some of the info because they want this to work.
Steve said that High Pitch is also lead some other Wack Packers to an Eli Manning interview on Saturday but that didn't work out but everyone was treated very well at the event.
Steve said they have a story about Robin's tweets about going out to Napa. That led to Howard asking Robin if she has anything fun on there. Robin said she has done some fun stuff on it. She said she hasn't been tweeting for very long though. Robin said that she jokes around on there sometimes. Howard read some of the tweets she's posted about her green drinks and the cool new machine she saw out on Martha's Vineyard.
Howard asked Jon Hein if he follows Robin. Jon said of course he does. Howard read some more posts by Robin and read about her trip on the Acella train. Robin had spelled it wrong so Howard was a little thrown off by that.
Howard read some more of her tweets and read them in his Robin impression. Howard said that they're going to have the Guatemala trip up on Howard TV very soon too.
Steve said that they have a story about Meg Griffin doing some shows up in Boston from her beach condo up there. Howard said he always wanted to fuck Meg but he could never put up with her for more than a week. Howard said they would kill each other if they dated. He said the arguing would be non-stop. He said that she cares too much about the music she plays. Howard said she could have been at the top and he just doesn't get that girl. He said he's a sell out compared to her. He said he wanted to make a living at. Meg was just in it for the music.
Howard made up some conversations that he and Meg could have had if they were together. He turned them into arguments about going to see weird bands that almost no one has heard of. Howard was making up band names and stuff while that was going on. He had names like ''The Flaming Oil Spills'' and things like that.
Jon Hein ran down his list of subjects for today's Wrap Up Show next. Howard ended up saying that Beth told him that she was just playing the game when she said that she would have gone out with Dave during her interview. Howard also blamed Jon for getting him sick. Jon insists he didn't get Howard sick though. They also spent a short time talking about Willie Nelson talking about his vaporizer for smoking pot. They had some fun goofing on him about that.
Howard mentioned that they have Michelle ''Bombshell'' McGee coming in tomorrow. Will Murray came in and said that he pre-interviewed her yesterday and she was telling him that she does have a Swastika tattoo but it's very small.
Robin got back to her news and read about some guy who was going out to strop clubs and demanding free drinks and threatening them if they didn't give him anything.
Robin read a story about Joslyn James going out and dancing in clubs in the areas that Tiger Woods is playing at. Robin said that she was thrown out of a hotel recently and they think that Tiger was staying there and he had her kicked out.
Robin read about Michael Douglas being okay with his son's 5 year sentence for drug dealing. Douglas says that it could save his life.
Robin read a story about Tiger Woods and how an author got to spend time around him so he's writing a tell-all book about what he saw going on. The guy claims that Tiger didn't stop with the women even after he got caught by his wife.
Robin read a story about 3D movies and how one man passed out and rolled his car after seeing a 3D movie. Robin said that they say that it can cause some problems with some people. Robin read about this guy and how he found it very unsettling to watch a 3D movie. They had to take a break after that.
After the break Howard came right back and had Robin get back to her news. Robin said she just got her book from Beth but it wasn't signed. Howard said she's still there... He thinks.
Robin read a story about Jenna Jameson being rushed to the hospital with her son. They're not saying exactly what happened. Howard said he can't believe that they broke up. He said he never would have thought that someone from MMA fighting and someone from the porn world would break up. He said that they shouldn't have had kids though. Howard and Robin spent a few minutes talking about Jenna and Tito's break up.
Robin read that Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani aren't letting Courtney Love get to them. They've posted about Courtney's claims that she slept with Gavin before he was married to Gwen but while they were dating. They say that things are fine in their marriage and all is well in the Rossdale family. Howard did another live commercial around that time.
Robin read a story about Naomi Campbell being on Oprah Winfrey's show. Howard said she said absolutely nothing. Robin read about some of the things she was talking about on the show and had some audio clips to play too. Howard said that chick is hot but she's really wacky. Howard said he's really attracted to her.
Robin said that she saw that a Scenario's (the charity that honored her) film was being shown on Showtime yesterday. She tried to tell Howard about that. Howard didn't get the message until today.
Robin read some news about the Tony Award nominees and had Howard play some audio of them announcing the nominees.
Robin read about the arrest of a man in the attempted Times Square bombing. Robin read about the guy who was arrested, Faisal Shahzad, and some details about where he was living and how they caught him. He had purchased the car a few weeks ago for cash. Robin said it was clear that he had intended to commit an act that was going to kill Americans.
Robin read a story about Chuck Schumer asking for money to help the city with bomb detection and things like that. Robin had some audio clips to play during that discussion too.
Robin read about Iran's president being in New York for a U.N. conference. She had some audio of a translator explaining what he was saying about the U.S. still using nuclear weapons to threaten other countries. Robin said that a lot of people walked out of his speech yesterday.
Robin read about how a bunch of airlines are going to be merging and it doesn't seem to be taking as long as the satellite merger. Howard said that there may be a delay but it probably won't take as long as this airline merger. Robin said it's going to be the largest airline in the world. Continental and United will be merging and they will use the name United. Continental will be no more. Robin said some of the employees were upset about the merger announcement. They're saying that the economy is rebounding and this is a reflection of that according to the CEO of United.
Robin said the band Train is going to be on Dancing with the Stars tonight. Howard said he heard that might be happening. He wondered what dance they're going to be doing to their music.
Robin read about the Black Eyed Peas having a huge hit song and downloads. They've got a bunch of hit songs and downloads.
Robin read about Laura Bush being into Bob Marley music according to their daughter Jenna Bush. Robin said that Jenna claims that's what her mom plays at home. Fred threw in some bong sounds as they were talking about that story. They spent a minute talking about that.
Robin read a story about the guy who was trying to blackmail David Letterman. The guy is going to jail for what he did. Howard said he wants to read the script he was trying to sell to Dave. He said he'd love to see what's in that script. Robin said that this guy, Halderman, is going to have to perform 1000 hours of community service on top of some jail time.
Robin read that President Obama's approval rating has gone up to 51 percent according to some poll that was done.
Robin read about Bret Michaels and how they're going to have some updates about his medical condition later today.
Robin read about Mary J Blige putting out a perfume. She had some audio of her talking about that.
Robin had a story about a Ray Charles musical that's coming out. Howard said he's going to have to take Ashley to see that. She's really into him. He said he asked her how she got into him and she looked at him like he was crazy. He said a 17 year old being into Ray Charles is kind of strange these days. He said he didn't introduce her to that.
Robin read about the $266 Mega Millions lottery that's on tonight. Robin said that people should go out and get their tickets.
Robin read about Mickey Rourke playing Whiplash in the new Iron Man movie. She had some audio of him talking about working with Robert Downey Jr.
Robin read about a new documentary that's coming out about 4 babies. They live in four very different areas of the world. She had some audio of the director talking about the movie. Howard said it sounds like a fun time. The director had a French accent so that led to Fred doing his French accent and goofing on the guy. Howard was asking Fred some questions as the French guy and had some fun with that for a minute.
Robin had some audio from Kara Dioguardi talking about working on American Idol. Howard said he's glad Simon is leaving that show so they can be done with it, and Kara, next year. Howard let her clip play out but he said she's very winded. Robin had some audio of Ellen Degeneres talking about Idol as well. She was talking about how important it is to be positive on the show. Howard said it's not important to be positive.
Robin said she had some audio of Randy Jackson talking about starting his own record label. He's already signed someone from the show. Howard said he knows that label will fail. He said he shouldn't spend any money on it.
Robin read about the People Magazine top 100 most beautiful people. Gabourey Sidibe is on the list. Howard paused and said he agrees with that. Robin read about how Howard Stern had gone on a rant about her weight. In the article they were talking about how they think that she's going to have the last laugh in all of this. Howard said he watched the movie Sabrina recently and the hot chick in that movie isn't even getting work. He said that Gabby isn't going to get work either. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:50am.
Jon asked why Beth is so nervous about doing Letterman. Gary said that Dave has a reputation for being tough. He said that it's all softball stuff usually but he can throw a curveball. Gary said that Dave can mock people with just a look. He said that he's more edgy than most of those guys.
Jon played a clip of Howard and Beth talking about the Letterman thing and how Dave had stopped calling when she started dating Howard.
Jon asked if Beth should ask Dave about that. Gary said he's not sure. He said you don't want Dave to make her uncomfortable on the show. He said that could happen. Jon asked if Howard should go with her. Gary said that it might be tough for him to do that. He said that people are going to be looking to him to say something. It could be hard to look cool sitting there on camera.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Beth had said she would have dated Dave and later Howard said she was just playing the game. He said that he thinks she was being honest. Gary said dating is different than saying you'd bang them. The caller said he thinks Howard was a little touchy about that. Gary said he might have been a little jealous but that's normal.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he had to turn the show off when Beth was in. He said that she wouldn't get booked if she didn't know Howard. He said he calls her Ono Stern. Gary said he doesn't agree. He said that Beth admits that it's all because of Howard. Gary said he's not going to call her Ono because she's not taking all of Howard's money and trying to save the world. Beth also isn't trying to control his life.
Benjy asked him if it interested him at all. The caller said he doesn't care about it at all. He said that Howard should just say that her book isn't that exciting because it's just a boring book. He said that Howard would say that about anyone else who had a book out like that.
Jon asked the caller if he has any pets. He said he has three dogs. Jon said that they heard Robin talking about how she pays $250 a week for a pet sitter. The caller, Augie, didn't like that he was changing the subject on him. Augie said that this is just a rich bitch and it's boring. Jon thanked him for the call and let him go after that.
Another caller said that Beth's $1 million offer to get her pussy licked was kind of low ball. Gary said he walked in during the break and told Beth that it was a low ball. He said there might be someone out there who would be willing to pay that kind of money to the North Shore Animal League. The caller said he'd love to be able to find a million to do that. He said that Kirstie Alley would be in the running for that kind of money.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that calling Beth an author is kind of disingenuous. He said that she's not going to get booked on any shows if she's not Howard's wife. He said she's not an author and Jon was making it seem like a great author. Jon said that Gary is writing a book too. The caller said that Gary writing a book is another story. Jon asked if he's an author since he put out two books. The caller said anyone can look up statistics and put them into a book. That doesn't make them an author.
The caller also went off on Jon about the way he looks on the Bonus Show on Howard TV. He said Jon looks like he's blind or something on that show. He told Jon to move his eyes around more on the show. Jon said okay to that.
Another caller said he loved Beth's segment today. He said that she was great. Gary said she wasn't on that long or short. He said there seems to be a lot of haters out there today.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he's surprised that Beth isn't being invited on Oprah's show. Gary said that Howard has said some things about her that might keep her from the show.
Jon asked Fred if he would ever try that green drink that Robin has been trying to get Howard to try. Fred said he has no interest in that. He said that there's nothing wrong with it but he has no desire to try it. Gary said that he's looked at it before and it's not quite blended enough. Fred said it looks like pond scum. Gary said that's right. He said it's a shade of green he's never seen before.
Jon asked Gary if he was trying to stay out of Howard's way again today. Gary said he had to speak to him last night around 6 and he sounded worse then than he did this morning. He said today he didn't have to stay out of his way too much because they were pretty busy. He said he couldn't get into too much trouble today.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked why Beth had to use the bathroom that everyone else uses and not Howard's private bathroom. Gary said they didn't think it out that far. Gary said that bathroom is pretty clean and he's going to go with the numbers. Benjy said he thinks that Howard would let Beth use his bathroom if she asked.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that people should lighten up on Beth. He said that she's done a lot with this book. Jon said she's even said she's not an expert and that this was just research that she pulled together for the book.
Gary said his dog Murphy is featured in the book. He said that the dog had something wrong with him and she put it in the book. The dog had something called cold tail. Gary said the dog was walking around and his tail was low and not moving. He said he had sprained his tail swimming so Beth put it in the book.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Fred what he's going to do when Howard retires. Fred said he's going to write a book about cold tail. Fred said that maybe in 3 months or so he'll have an answer for him.
Jon asked Fred if he would want to go out and tour doing music. Fred said that wouldn't be practical for him right now. He said that he's too old and he likes being in the area so he can be with his family.
Jon asked Gary what happened with the headphones today. Gary said he's pushing it off on Scott but Scott is blaming him. Gary said they check the headphones every morning but then they turn them down. Gary said Scott thought that the idea was to turn them all the way off and then check them when they bring the guest into the studio. Gary said that would be ridiculous.
Scott came in and said that the last time it happened was with Dice. He said they labeled the volume knobs and they were told that the guests would be told that they'd have the control there. Gary said that the headphones were off when he checked them.
Gary said the levels were lower than they've ever been today. He said they were off. Scott said Evan told him they were on but they were very low. He said he didn't turn them off but he didn't check them himself. Gary said they just need to check the guest headphones. Everyone there knows how to adjust the headphones.
Gary said he tells people how to use the headphones and people still touch the microphones. Fred had some ideas for how to set them up but Gary said it didn't need to be that complicated. Gary said he should have known that something was wrong because Willie had asked if they were on when he sat down. Gary said that he should have known that it was the levels in the headphones. Jon heard Scott yelling at someone today but Scott said that was just joking around and not real yelling.
Jon said Willie had mentioned that he was a fan of Leon Russell during the interview. Gary said Scott DePace didn't know who that was and he asked if he had any hits. Jon was surprised that Scott didn't know who he was.
Jon had Teddy play a clip of Howard talking to Willie about Viagra and if he uses it. After that clip the guys talked about Willie and his wife. They talked about how Annie didn't want to come on the air today. Gary said she told him that she didn't want them pimping her out.
A caller asked how Fred can play Robin's theme music and not laugh at it every single time. Fred said his job is to play it and the caller's job is to laugh.
Jon asked Fred if he's in love with that theme music. Fred said he loves it. He said he thought Howard was over it but now he seems like he's back into it again. He said it really is one of the funniest things he's heard in his life.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he wanted to ask Fred how he puts up with that pseudo pompous ass Scott DePace. Gary said they do put up with him. Fred said Scott has to put that on when he comes in there. Gary doesn't think he's putting it on though. Gary said that people think he's pompous but he'll change his mind. Scott never changes his mind.
Gary talked about what Scott had said to him yesterday about not being very handy. He said he knows he's not handy but Scott thinks that he can't even use a hammer. Gary said Scott built his own deck but he bets that he knows just enough to get by and it probably looks a little ''off.''
The caller said that Fred is great at what he does and he thanked him for all that he's done. The guy said that Fred must sit there seething at Robin when she gets so many facts wrong. Fred said he finds Robin to be very intelligent but she has opinions and they might rise above what he thinks is right. That's why he has fun with the theme music.
The caller said that Fred did a Dial-A-Date with ''Dioxin George'' back at NBC and he is that caller. Gary and Fred didn't remember him so the guy explained who he was and how he got the name. They still didn't seem to remember who he was. The caller said he didn't end up going on the date. He's been through two wives since then.
Jon took another call from a guy who told Gary he did a great job with Tracey last week. He was also telling Fred how great he is. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon moved on and took a call from a guy who said he was glad he got to talk to Fred. He said he has a lot of animosity toward the Beth situation. He said Beth has a good level of intelligence and this is her time to shine and ''fuck all of them callers.'' Gary agreed and said that she's a very cool person. Benjy said she's got a very flat stomach too. The caller said Beth is smart and intelligent too and all of those guys bad mouthing her were just haters.
Fred said that it looks like Beth has put together a great book and maybe having someone who isn't an expert is better than having someone writing about the psychology of dogs. He and the caller went back and forth talking about how good the book could be.
Ralph called in and said that he was going to say what Fred said. He said that Beth has had a lot of offers to do stuff because of Howard but she actually delivers. He said he thinks that he'd pick up the book in a second if he had a dog. Ralph and Fred spent a minute talking about that.
Jon asked Ralph if Howard should go with Beth to Letterman. Ralph said she should do it on her own. He said that she can do her thing and not have Howard there. Ralph said that Letterman isn't going to do anything to upset Beth either.
Fred wondered if Beth is going to have a couple of lines to come back at Dave with. Ralph doesn't think that she'd need anything like that. Dave is going to be nice to her. Fred said he believes he'll be nice. Ralph said that it should be a good interview.
Benjy asked if Leno would ask Beth to be on. Fred said it would be great if she was on. Gary doesn't think they'd ask her to be on. Gary said that he'd love it if Beth went on the show with a dry erase board and a pen and asked Jay to explain how he got screwed in the NBC deal.
Jon brought up the Paris Remillard call and how he had to explain it wasn't him calling in last week. They talked about that for a very short time before moving on.
Jon took a call but the caller's phone cut out. Gary saw his note and said that he was asking about how they're all going to do when Howard retires since only two of them can afford it. Gary said he's assuming that he's talking about Howard and Robin but even Robin has said she has to keep working. Fred said they'd all like to keep working but that shouldn't keep Howard from retiring if that's what he wants to do.
Gary said he got a call from a station in L.A. asking if he and Fred wanted to do a show together. Fred said that if they got a show they'd end up doing shitty announce jobs like Ryan Seacrest.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Howard has been all about integrity and not selling junk like Jackie and Sal and Richard were doing. He said that if Beth wasn't his wife she never would have gotten on the show to promote that book. He said that Howard's integrity was broken by Beth and that showed today. Benjy said if Eddie Murphy's wife asked to be on the show to promote her book, she'd get on. The caller didn't think that was the case but Gary said that he tried to get her on the show.
Gary said that Beth is also part of the show and part of Howard's life so she'd be on the show because of that. The caller said that it is interesting to see Howard and Beth in this situation but it's a chip off of Howard's integrity when he does something like this. Fred said he doesn't think that's entirely true because Howard has included the audience on everything in his life. He said that it's all about Howard and Beth is part of his life. It's no different just because she's plugging a book.
Jon asked about how creepy it was when Vinnie called in from the bus today. That led to them talking about how Vinnie might be the guy who hires the women for those bits that Beth was doing. Fred said he's not sure if that's the case but he's just throwing it out there. Gary said that Howard had to explain to Beth why Vinnie was on a bus since she doesn't listen very much.
The guys talked about how creepy Vinnie was about Ashley Dupre when he was riding the bus into the city with her. They spent a minute on that before they had to end the show.
Howard started the show talking about how they had Michelle ''Bombshell'' McGee coming in. He talked about all of the tattoos she has all over her. He said she's even got her face tattooed.
Robin said he sounds better today. Howard said he is getting better day by day but it's still annoying. He said he didn't even know where to begin this morning. He said he'd start off with some phone calls.
Bobo called in and said that Dominic Barbara was arrested for violating an order of protection with his ex-wife. Howard said he's not sure what's going on with Dominic. Bobo said it looks like he might have blown up again. Howard said he heard that he was thin from someone but he's not sure. He hasn't seen him in a long time.
Howard said he wasn't going to talk about this but it was on 1010 WINS. Howard said they were talking about how he's referred to as the ''bloated attorney'' on the Howard Stern Show.
Howard read the article he had about Dominic and how he was arrested when he approached her in a bagel shop. Howard read about how he had sat down with his ex-wife Leslie at a bagel shop when she was there with some guy. Bobo said he heard that it was a cop she was with and Dominic was the one demanding for her to be arrested for stalking him. Howard said he heard that Dominic called the cops on himself and they escorted him there. Howard said he heard he was hassling her in front of the cops and they had to arrest her. Howard said he's not sure what the real story is. He said he may have heard it wrong.
Howard read that Leslie is saying that she was there with a friend when Dominic came in and demanded for her to be arrested. Then they later arrested him for his behavior. Howard read that the friend was a private investigator. He read that Dominic is looking to end this after years. Howard wondered why he would go confront her like that.
Howard said he's not sure what to think and he doesn't want to get involved. They talked about the last time Dominic got into it with Leslie and how they weren't allowed to talk about that. Howard said Beth got caught up in this too. He said she and Leslie would stay in touch and Beth would tell her that she didn't want to stay in the loop after what she had heard.
Robin said she hadn't heard form either of them after they got back together. Howard said he hasn't been in touch with him much either.
Howard and Robin talked about the spaghetti incident and how they had to avoid that. Howard had to hang up on Bobo because he was getting annoyed. Robin thought he said ''Bubba'' but Howard insisted he said Bobo. He told Robin that Green Drink must be clogging her ears.
Howard said he's not sure what's going on with Dominic. He said he should be thinking about his reputation because he is a lawyer. Howard said the cop is an impartial guy and he saw what was going on so he must see something wrong there. Robin said if you go into a bagel shop, just buy bagels. She's not sure why they're fighting in there.
Howard said it's not that important to go to a bagel shop in the morning. Just go to a different one. He said that the cop should have told him that. Howard said Dominic could have waited for an hour and then gone in. He said he's not sure why he knew she was even there. Howard said Dominic has some explaining to do and he wants him to call in.
Robin was there and she was trying to introduce some guy to some people. He was a leather guy. Howard said he was trying to introduce Robin to his chess teacher who was there. Howard said he never sees the guy since he does his lessons over the phone. Howard said the guy was impressed with his rise in the ratings.
Howard said that he's kind of miffed because he's one of the biggest supporters of ''Iron Man.'' Howard said no one gave a shit that Jon Favreau was producing the movie. He said they raved about the first movie. He said he's not sure if Robert Downey Jr. is a friend of the show. He heard that he was mad after he did an interview with him years ago. He didn't think the guy was that happy with him. Gary said that Downey almost walked out when Gange asked who his wife was. He said there was a whole bad vibe over that. The guy almost walked out after that.
Howard said he met Robert at a restaurant when he was eating and he had said hi to them and heard a story about their marriage. He said he congratulated him on his wedding, and this was before Iron Man, and they had a nice conversation. Then he came in and did the interview. Howard said he wasn't sure if it had gone well after the interview.
Howard said that they were big supporters of the first movie and now they're doing promotion for the second one and no one is being booked for the show. Howard said that even Mickey Rourke would be welcome on the show. He said he has been a supporter of his for years too.
Howard said Gary asked the movie studio for anyone from the movie and they got a no. He said that the only person willing to come on was Jon Favreau. Howard said he's not exactly the biggest star in the movie and he's kind of miffed about that. He said that they feel they got the bum's rush from the publicist about this. He said he's not even sure if they asked the cast if they wanted to do the show. He said Gary has tried to get some people to do the show but it's not working.
Howard said the movie company hasn't bought any ads on the show so the sales team is kind of upset about that. Howard said they may not go overboard talking about the movie. Gary said he even tried to get to Mickey Rourke through his publicist. He was told that he's busy apartment hunting.
Howard said Garry Shandling looks like he got a face lift or something. He's in the movie and he looked very odd. Howard and the guys talked about him and said that Shandling was a mess. JD came in and said he watched the Garry Shandling Show DVDs and he looks like he's very pulled back. He said he's not sure what's going on there.
Howard said he enjoyed the movie. He said he wishes them all the best but it would have been nice if they had stopped by and thanked them for being supporters of the franchise.
Gary said they had a meeting with the movie people and he asked for people from the movie. He said he asked for a bunch of people from the movie and they got none. Howard said it's not Gary's fault either. Robin said that people in the industry will avoid this show and other shows when they get very famous. They didn't get to see James Cameron when he was booked to do the show a couple of times.
Gary said sometimes people will be nervous about how well the movie will do and they will drop out of a booking because they start getting positive feedback about the movie. Howard said he's seen some of the stars appearing on Oprah and that's not the audience that's going to see these movies.
Howard said he can do a show without these people. He said he doesn't need uptight people coming in and not saying anything. He said they can have a great time without them. Howard said he really doesn't care if they don't come in. He said if they do want to come in and have a good time then that's cool.
Howard said he thinks that they should have bought some ads there at the least. Howard said they were big promoters of the first movie and you'd think that they'd want to support them too. Howard said Mickey Rourke would probably be a bore as a guest anyway.
Gary said he feels that the move A-list the guest is the less you're going to get out of them. He said that Julia Roberts and Warren Beatty were two examples of that. He said you can't ask America's Sweetheart about sex. Howard said he really doesn't care to kiss guests asses. He said that's not what he's about. He doesn't need big guests like Oprah and Jay Leno. He said he doesn't run out of material like Leno does.
Howard said he has to go home and feel he's filled the need of his audience and he's able to do that without guests. Gary said he's really excited about Michelle Bombshell McGee coming in today. Howard said he's looking forward to that too.
Howard said he thinks about how stupid his audience is. He said that you have to give her a little respect. He said he didn't marry a fuckin' shit head. He said that she's so supportive of him and she doesn't take advantage of him. He said she's not a dog expert but people began to contact her like she was. She did some research and found out about dogs and decided to put this stuff into a book.
Howard said Beth didn't even want to do the book and he was the one who talked her into it. Howard said that fans were calling in and calling Beth ''Yoko Ono.'' Robin said that's ridiculous. Howard said Yoko wouldn't leave John Lennon alone. He said Beth doesn't even like coming on the air. He said he had to talk her into it. He said she's not like Yoko in any way. Howard said there are some people who enjoy hearing Beth but now he's thinking that she shouldn't come in anymore. He said Beth doesn't respond to the viciousness well at all. He said she was a model and people are calling her ugly and that she's using him to get on the Letterman show. Meanwhile she's been on Letterman without him like 57 times. He said it was kind of annoying when he tuned into the Wrap Up Show and heard all of that. He said he wanted to pick up the phone and just say ''fuck you guys'' to the people who were bashing her.
Howard said Yoko Ono used to interrupt the Beatles doing their music and record her own stuff. He said the comparison is ludicrous to him. Howard said Beth admits that she got these opportunities because of him and she's not like that. Howard said Beth put in a lot of work on this book and now she's thinking that she's done with the whole book thing.
Howard said Beth went on the fan sties and read some of the negative stuff. He said they both went on and laughed at some of it. He said that Beth was really getting slammed though. He said this is the woman he adores and people just hate. He said a lot of people were angry and jealous that they don't get to write a book and that they're not married to him.
The caller asked if Beth can look at it and see that they're just a bunch of angry fucks. Howard said she was kind of dealing with it okay but it's not cool. Howard said he thought it was fun to have her in there and the whole thing just annoyed him.
Howard said this is why he's seriously thinking about retiring. He said there's so much hate out there and he doesn't get why. He said the people were talking about his wife like this and he doesn't understand it. Howard said he didn't marry a complete asshole.
Robin said Howard understands why he married her and these people just want to make him crazy. Howard said he is nuts over it. Robin said they just want to ruin his life.
Howard said Fred hit it right when he was talking about the book on the Wrap Up Show. Fred said that you have to read the book and then make a decision. Robin said that she's really serious about the book and she tried to make it the best she could. Robin said she worked her tail off to do that too.
Howard said Beth gets a lot of offers because she's his wife but she turns a lot of them down. He said that she turned down Dancing with the Stars and he loves that. He said if she did do that show then maybe he would leave her. He said Beth sees that it's a desperate thing to do. He said she may take opportunities once in a while but that's fine with him.
Howard said Beth is a good looking woman and it might be fun to rip her apart. He said this is his wife though and these are supposed to be his ''fans'' but he just wants to tell them to fuck off. Howard said he knows that people are going to say that he makes fun of people all the time so he should be able to take it. Howard said he can take it and he's the one going home to sleep with her. He said that they fucked last night so he's fine with that. He said he was in bed with her while everyone else was bashing her.
The caller was saying that Beth is actually working and that's saying a lot more than other celebrities wives. Howard said he has goofed on Imus' wife before but he sees a distinction between her and Beth. Gary said that she was apparently a ring card girl who met Imus on his show. Howard said he can admire what she does too but he's not sure how much of an expert she really is.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Beth is great and these haters can all go suck a cock. The guy said that she's probably 10 times as smart as any of those haters. He said they couldn't write a book. He said he's going to go out and get the book. He said that the proceeds from the book are also going to help the dogs.
Howard said he has a thick skin and he can take it. He said he loves the Wrap UP Show too and that people are able to voice their opinions. He said that the book is great and he really does endorse it. He's not getting any money out of it either. It's not a financial boon to Beth either.
Fred said he's sorry he upset the listener. He said that other people write in and say that the show is much better with him on it. The caller told Fred to take the IQ test and prove how dumb he is. Fred said he doesn't have to do that and maybe this guy should take the IQ test.
The caller said he's been listening to the show for 20 years and Fred wouldn't be anywhere without Howard. He said that he'd be shitting in a pail like Ass Napkin Ed.
The caller said that Fred puts himself out there like the end all, be all of the world. Fred said that's a mistake people make. He doesn't put himself out there like that. He just comes out and talks about stuff he knows about.
Howard let that guy go and took another call. The caller was saying that people are just hating on Howard because his wife is hot. Howard said he gets that. He said he knows that people think she's the trophy wife and all of that. The caller said she's not even like that she has fun when she's on the show.
Robin said that he should just say fuck everyone else and not worry about it. Howard said he knows that but Robin didn't have to use the F-word there.
Howard said he'd love to see the two of them start kissing and touch each other's breasts. He said that's what was going through his head. Howard wondered if he's shallow. Robin said that he is shallow.
Howard said if he was single he would work that Megyn Kelly so hard. Robin said that he wasn't doing anything when he was single. Howard said he was up to a lot when he was single.
Howard said he wants to do a FOX News beauty pageant. He said they have some hot chicks on the other news channels now too. He said there are some really hot chicks doing the news now.
Howard brought up this story about a kid who ran around the field at a baseball game. Gary came in and wanted to add to that story but Howard told him he can handle it. Gary said he'll tell him after he tells the story.
Howard said this 17 year old kid from Philly ran around on the field and this cop tazed him. He said that they're saying that maybe the kid should sue the cop for what he did. Howard said he wishes it was the old days when they could have just shot him dead on the field. Howard said Monica Seles had a fan jump out and stab her. He said you don't know what these people are going to do. Robin said that's why this kid didn't belong on the field. Howard said that's right and it wasn't clear what the guy had in the towel he had. He said he could have had a knife in there. Howard said if a cop had shot that guy who stabbed Monica Seles. He said they should have shot this shit head 17 year old. He said that he'd better not sue. Robin said his parents were blaming the police. Howard said they weren't blaming the police. He said that the mother said it was a dumb thing that her son did. Howard said she tried to talk him out of doing it.
Howard said he hopes that this cop isn't phased by this whole thing. Gary said Jason walked in this morning and the security guard that has never spoken to him stopped him and told him about why the tazer thing was wrong and it was excessive force. Gary said that he'll see if the guy wants to come in and talk about it. Gary said the guy thinks that it's too much force and using a tazer is like using a gun. Howard said they have to stop these guys before they can do something.
Howard had some audio of the Cardinal's announcer calling the play as the kid ran on the field and the cops hitting him with the tazer. They were laughing about how quickly he went down when they hit him with the tazer.
Howard said that should be part of the sport. Robin said maybe they should do that. They could have guys trying to run from the tazer to see how far they can get.
Howard said that anyone who says that they're using excessive force in these cases is an asshole. Howard said that kid could have had a gun or a knife in that towel. It turns out the kid was just a shit head. He wondered what you do when you have a kid like that. He said that you never name them after yourself because you never know what they're going to do to embarrass you. Howard said the kids think they know more than you do and that they have it all figured out. He said that they have no clue what it's really like. Howard said he has three great kids so he's not complaining about his. He said it's the other asshole kids out there that he's talking about.
Howard said his father used to tell him he'd never make any money because he wasn't even able to mow the lawn. He said the guy never explained how to do it so of course he didn't know how to do it. Howard said if the guy sent him out there to fail.
Howard said if you're thinking about naming your kid after yourself, try naming them after someone you hate instead. He said if he had a son he'd name him Jay Leno. Robin said that John Wayne Gacey was like that. Someone named their kid after John Wayne and he embarrassed the hell out of the guy.
Howard said he thought after 9/11 that when someone buys a one way ticket, with cash, it should have signaled a bunch of red alerts. Robin said she has been practically strip searched when she's purchased a one way ticket. Howard said that they had this terrorist guy on the no-fly list but the airline didn't update their list.
Howard said this guy went up and bought a one way ticket with cash and no signals went up about it. Howard said they didn't bother looking into it. He said the system doesn't work. Howard said it appears that no one believes that terrorism exists.
Robin said her driver, Gene, was yelling about terrorism the other day and she was saying that no one knows how to stop terrorism before it happens.
Howard said this guy had a weird thing where he was asked to come to Pakistan. He went off for 5 months and trained how to make a bomb. Luckily he was a shit head and didn't make it the right way. Howard said the guy fucked up and we lucked out. Howard said it's a miracle that they caught him. They caught him in the plane on the runway so they lucked out with that too. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that his guest, Michelle ''Bombshell'' McGee, was there. He asked Gary if it was weird talking to her with the tattoos on her face. Gary said it was kind of weird because she has a friend there who has tattoos all over her too. He said he almost went to the wrong girl when he walked into the green room. Gary said she's in the bathroom so he'll bring her in as soon as she's ready.
Howard said Michelle could have gotten millions for her story but she blew it. He said she could have held out and gotten paid for the story. He said she went public without getting any money. Howard said she's the one that ended up breaking up Jesse James and Sandra Bullock. Howard said some people seem to know they have something there and they hold out to get paid.
Michelle came in a short time later. Howard said she's an attractive girl. He wanted to see the tattoo on her head. She showed them to him and Howard said that's really hard core. Howard said he has some tattoos but putting them on your head is hard. He said she could never get a corporate job. She said she's pretty sure she never would, just look at her.
Howard asked Michelle if she realizes she missed out on huge money. Michelle said she knows that. She made about $30,000 from In Touch Magazine according to Howard. Michelle said she wasn't in it for a cash out. She said she took the money from In Touch, but it was less than 30,000, and she wanted to give her real story and not something that they just made up.
Howard said that Michelle seemed genuinely upset when she saw that Jesse was still married to Sandra. Michelle said she believed Jesse when he told her that they were separated. Howard asked if she fell in love with him. She said it was a sexual thing but she wasn't in love.
Howard asked if Jesse gave her any gifts. She said she got a t-shirt once. That was about it. Howard asked where she grew up. She grew up in Ohio. Howard asked if she only dates guys with tattoos. She said she dates other guys. Howard said the tattoos are hard core. He asked if she wishes she could take them off. She said she does. Michelle said that she'd like to tell young girls not to get tattooed. She said she started at 15 and they don't come off easily.
Howard said he thinks that girls like that have a bad self image. Michelle said she doesn't though. She said that it's kind of her ''fuck off'' to society. Howard said she's hot and she doesn't need that.
Howard asked when she got her last tattoo. She said it was a couple of months ago. She said she's already fucked so she might as well continue. Howard asked if she thinks that she's going to fill in her whole body. Michelle said she's not going to do that. She likes the negative space.
Howard asked Michelle about the swastika tattoo and if she knows why there's so much controversy over it. Michelle said she knows. Howard said it's like saying ''fuck you America'' when you get one put on you. He said that guys fought in the war to stop the Nazis.
Michelle said she did some stupid stuff at 18-19 and that's one of the things. She said she was into white pride stuff when she was young and now it's not like that.
Howard asked Michelle about what it was like for her in school. She said she was never arrested and she never even did drugs. Howard asked if her boyfriends were bikers and tattoo guys. She said they weren't like that. She was just dating white kids back then and she's never dated a black guy but she's not against it. Howard said ''so much for the Nazi stuff.''
Howard asked Michelle if she ever put on a Nazi outfit. She said she just did that one thing in the costume for the photo shoot. She said that wasn't her idea either. Howard asked her if she thinks Jews are parasites. She said they're not. She said she loves lox and gifilte fish.
Howard asked Michelle about her parents and if she was ever molested or anything like that. Michelle said that her parents were awesome and she didn't have anything weird going on in her life. Howard asked how old she was when she got her tattoos. She said, again, that she started at 15. She didn't lose her virginity until she was 17. Howard asked if she did lesbo stuff. Michelle said that it was only guys.
Howard asked about her marriage and what's going on with that. She said she got married in 2003 but they broke up and now the ex is saying stuff about her in the news. She said that he's being an asshole. Michelle said that she went to a shrink and the shrink told her that this bipolar disorder she allegedly had was because of her husband and if she left him, she'd be fine. She said she did that and now the bipolar thing is gone.
Michelle said she thinks that they ex is using all of this stuff to get back at her so he can get custody and move out of the state. Howard asked Michelle how many guys she's banged in her life. She said it's way under 20. Howard said she's got great tits too. She said she had a very good doctor.
Howard asked Michelle about how she got into stripping. Michelle told Howard about how she was a hair dresser and how her husband didn't want to work so they started having financial problems. She said it was his idea to get her into stripping so that's what she did. Michelle said that now the stripping thing is a bad thing to him even though he got her into it.
Howard asked Michelle how far she'll go with guys. She won't touch the guys and she won't give hand jobs or anything like that. She said she can get a guy off without touching him. She said that it's not a brothel she's working in.
Howard said that her life went on and she was making some decent money and doing some modeling. He said that she then saw this ad from Jesse James on Myspace. Michelle said that Jesse wrote her a note which was odd because most people write to her on AshleyMadison.com. Howard asked if she had hooked up with married guys before. She said she hadn't but she had spoken to guys through the site.
Howard asked why she would be on AshleyMadison.com if she wasn't going to sleep with married guys. She said that the guys can't be lying to their wives. She said she's just looking to get fucked. Michelle said that you have to ask questions to find out of the guys are telling their wives. Gary said that she's getting paid by AshleyMadison.com. She said that she did have a profile on there but they're also a sponsor on her web site. Howard said that didn't make any sense to him either but now he understands.
Howard said Jesse James found Michelle and he asked her to model for his company. Michelle said that she had friend requested him and he messaged her right back. She said that she had talked to him a little bit and then went to his shop to meet him. Howard asked what she was wearing. She said it was probably jeans and a tank top.
Howard asked if she was attracted to Jesse immediately. She said she was. Howard asked if she was enamored with the fact that he was married to Sandra. She said she wasn't. Howard asked if she knew she wanted to fuck him right away. She said she thought he was cute but she didn't know that.
Howard asked her about the first time they had sex. Michelle said that he got her naked in like 2.5 seconds. She said that he was average size down there too. She said that he gave himself the nickname ''the vanilla gorilla.''
Michelle said she feels bad for Sandra and she thinks that Jesse lied to her about being separated so she really didn't know that he wasn't.
Howard asked about the first time they did it. Howard wanted to know the details about how he made his first move. Howard asked if she got wet instantly. Michelle said she was freaked out actually. She said it wasn't built up, he just leaned over and tried to tonsil wrestle her. She said that she told him to stop and then he explained that he was separated. Then she gave him the green light and he ripped her pants off. Howard asked if she wears panties. She said she had leggings on and he ripped them off too. She said she had a long tank top and leggings on so that's what he ripped off. She said she thought that was pretty hot when he ripped them off.
Howard asked if she's fully shaved. Michelle said she is. Howard asked if he ripped off the tank top too. She didn't remember.
Howard said he heard that the movie they watched that day was Jesse's favorite comedy, Schindler's List. Michelle laughed and said that wasn't it.
Howard asked if Jesse played with her breasts or did he just stick it in there. She said they did some fooling around first. She said that it was just the pants down the first time. She didn't remember all of the details from that day. She said she's not sure if there was licking going on that day. She thinks there was some fellatio going on though.
Michelle said that she may have gotten bent over the coffin couch he has in his office. She said that she didn't want to talk about if he wore a condom or not. Howard wondered why she wouldn't talk about that but she's talking about not taking it in the ass. Howard asked if he came inside of her. She said that he came in her mouth. She was joking but said she does swallow. Howard said that's kind of hard core for a guy to fuck without condoms. Howard said it's weird that she won't talk about it too.
Howard asked Michelle about why Jesse isn't worried about getting chicks pregnant. Michelle said that she was on birth control so if he didn't wear a condom then she'd be okay. Howard asked how much they were fucking. She said they were doing it 2-3-4 times a night a few times a week.
Howard asked if Michelle ever got to go out with Jesse in public. She said that he told her they couldn't do that and they had to keep it quiet. She said that he was always telling her that she was out shooting a movie. Howard sake dif she ever got to go out to eat or anything. She said she never even got a slice of pizza.
Howard asked if she thought that he was going to marry her. Michelle said no to that. She said he was really funny and they had a good time when they were together. She said he was good in bed too.
Howard sounded shocked that he was banging like 4 times a night at 40 years old. He said she must be something in bed. Michelle said it was fun. Howard asked how long they'd go. She said it was like 15 minutes or so. Howard said he can't even do that.
Howard asked if she likes being in the limelight. She said she really doesn't. She said that it's very weird. Howard asked if the reporters were all over her. She said they were at first. She's pretty sure Jesse is mad at her too. Howard asked if she thinks that Sandra should give him another chance. She said she thinks that she should leave him.
Michelle told Howard she thinks that her friends may be the ones who broke the story. Jesse came to visit her when she was staying on the Queen Mary and her friends may have seen him and told the story.
Howard said Michelle is there because she's going to be boxing Gina Lynn the porn star. Michelle said that they're doing this extreme wrestling thing with boxing gloves. Howard said that the guy who is promoting the fight has been accused of staging fights but Michelle claims that this is real. She said there is no stopping clothes coming off and they could end up being fully nude.
Michelle told Howard that they're going to be punching and pulling hair and none of this is staged. Michelle said she's been training for it and it's going to be good. Howard said that Gina Lynn is a tough girl too.
Howard gave Michelle some plugs for this fight and said you can see the fight at GoFightLive.com
Howard had the fight promoter, Damon Feldman, come in to defend himself. He has been on the show to promote fights before. He said that they don't do boxing, they do celebrity wrestling. Howard asked if the fights were fixed. Damon said that it's all entertainment. He said it's like wrestling. Howard said that they didn't say that up front with the Canseco fight. Damon said they knew that ahead of time. They promote them as entertainment events. Howard said he thought it was a real fight. Damon said that he has been building them up as entertainment though. Howard said it seemed like the Bonaduce and Canseco fight was real. Damon said that it was entertainment. They did tell the guys not to kill each other. Howard said he's being more honest about it now. Damon said that they are doing wrestling and they've always been honest about it.
Robin didn't know what anyone was saying. Howard said he thinks that they're getting a pre-arranged fight like they have in wrestling. Damon said that everyone can check it out on GoFightLive.com and see for themselves.
Damon told Howard he wanted to induct him into the hall of fame. He said that this was a real thing too and not some made up award. He also got in a plug for an smokeless cigarette thing too (number1smoke.com).
Howard let Damon go and Gary came in and said that the matches were being sanctioned by the boxing commission and now they have to do them as wrestling.
Gary said he was looking at Michelle's tattoos and trying to figure out what they were. He said she's tattooed all over her arm. He said he just noticed that she has ''evil cunt'' on her thumb. She said that she really is an evil cunt. Howard asked if she has had sex since the Jesse James thing. She said she has.
Jesse said that she has had two guys since then. Howard said she's right back in the saddle again. He asked who she's banging but she's not talking. She said she has met some famous guy sand she has hung out with a lot. She said she has dated a football player. Howard asked if she ever dated The Rock or Tom Cruise. She said she hasn't.
Howard asked about a bunch of people and she kind of conformed she may have been out with Pink's husband but only when they were separated. She was kind of cryptic about that.
Robin asked Michelle what she's doing now. She said she can't work because she can't do the stripping thing anymore. She said that's just too weird now. She has to get away from that.
Howard asked Michelle about what she likes in bed and found out she likes to be choked and called names like ''evil cunt'' during sex. Howard asked if she has ever had sex with John Stamos, Andy Dick and some other people. She said she hasn't.
Michelle is going to be dancing at The Scene in Commack, New York. She's just going to be dancing topless on Thursday at 10.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she has to be honest and she had to know that something was up with Jesse because he never took her anywhere. Michelle said that Jesse told her that Sandra was shooting a movie and they couldn't go out because the story couldn't come out.
The caller asked if she's on AshleyMadison.com so she can fuck more married men. She said that the men on there are more honest. The caller said that karma is a bitch and she hopes it hits her hard. Michelle just said that Jesus loves her and said goodbye.
Howard had the guys in the back playing Gilbert Gottfried audio clips chanting to her. Howard then took another call from a guy who asked if she's ever had a guy cum on her swastika. She said she hasn't.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that the tattoo on her hand should say ''dumb cunt'' because she's not too bright about this Jesse James thing. Michelle said that every woman has been lied to by a guy and that's what happened to her.
Gary asked if she ever saw Jesse and Sandra in the magazines and stuff. She said she doesn't watch TV or read magazines like that. Howard asked about how they were watching the MTV Awards when Sandra was on and how they were fucking. She said she didn't think much of it because she thought they were separated.
Gary asked Michelle about Jesse telling her that his sex life with Sandra stunk because they had 9 dogs in the bed all the time. Michelle said that's what she heard.
Howard said that he tried to have sex with Beth one time on the floor and his dog licked his ass. He said he had to stop that. Gary said his dog once tried to lick his dick after he had sex with his wife. He said the dog pretty much lunged for it.
Howard said he's still surprised that they were doing it as much as she claims. He was also wondering why Jesse was adopting a black baby with Sandra if he's racist. He said the whole world is nuts.
Howard said Michelle was answering all of the questions except the one about wearing a condom. He found that very odd. Howard asked if she was embarrassed by it. She said that she shouldn't be proud of something like that and all girls should make guys wear a condom. Howard thanked her for the interview and went to break.
Howard came back and took a call from a guy who said that the interview was like a whole pro wrestling event. He said he didn't believe a thing she said. He said he doesn't want her on Best of the Week either. He said he doesn't want to sit through it again. Howard said he thought it was kind of interesting. Fred said that he found it interesting how her mind worked.
Howard asked what he felt was bogus. The caller said he didn't believe what she was saying about being a stripper and how she didn't do anything with guys. The guy also didn't believe what she said about what Jesse told her about being separated. Howard said guys are like that and he believes that could have happened.
Howard said he believes that she wasn't the one squealing to the press because if she had, she could have asked for a lot of money. The guy said she's not staying out of the limelight either. Howard said she's still dancing naked so it was kind of weird she said she's not stripping.
The caller said Howard is a nice guy but he thinks that he's gullible. Howard said he just did an interview with a girl and now people can analyze it. He said it's not about wether or not he believed her. He said she was kind of nutty.
Howard said they analyze things so much on this show. He hung up on the caller and tried to move along. They talked about the interview being kind of interesting. Howard said he thought she was kind of interesting.
Howard took another call from a woman who said that Howard thinks with his penis. She said that Howard didn't hear her, his penis did. She said that people will get enraged just hearing her on the show. Howard said of course they will, that's why they had her in there. The caller said Michelle didn't know what to say about the AshleyMadison.com thing and she's really just not a woman. Howard said she is a woman. The caller said that she's not a ''lady'' then.
Howard said it really doesn't make a difference in the long run. He said he's not sure why people get so worked up over this.
Howard said he didn't feel she was evil. He said that she took up with a guy who claimed he was separated and it's easy to get caught up in that. Robin said she's slept with married people and Howard has done that. She's not sure about Fred. Fred said he hasn't, other than his wife. Robin said she just slept with one married person.
Howard said he finds it funny because a couple of weeks ago Dominic was telling them that everything was great. Howard had the audio of that call where Dominic talked about how great things were going. That was from April 1, 2010. Here's what happened:
Dominic Barbara called in and said that his journey has been interesting and he loves them dearly. He said he has been in a program and he and things are going good. Howard said he hadn't heard much from him lately. Dominic said that he made some changes in his life after the Artie thing and things have been good. He said he's cut out sugar and alcohol. He said he's been sober for 134 days. He said he's feeling good and looking good.
Howard asked Dominic what the program is that he's in. Dominic said he can't say what it is. Dominic said that he's trying to get his life in order and it's working out well for him. Howard said it was good to have him back. Dominic said that the only bad thing is that he's been asked not to go back in the water ever again.
After playing the clip Howard and Robin talked about how fooled they were by that call. They weren't sure if they should believe what he had to say about the Artie thing either. Howard said he does want to talk to Dominic about this. He said that he's saying he will call them at some point.
Howard said Mariann doesn't let him say a word. He had to hang up on her. He said if she took a breath he'd keep her on the phone.
Howard gave Robin a rundown of what Beth is going to be doing. She's on the Today Show today and she's on Letterman tomorrow. Then she's doing Kimmel next week. Regis and Kelly is coming up the week after Kimmel. He said it's something along those lines. It's just a couple of appearances. Howard said she will never do Leno. He said they haven't asked her but he wouldn't want her doing it.
Howard said they have a contest coming up tomorrow for the Hottest Tranny. He got in a plug for Beezid.com since they're the sponsor of that contest.
Howard said the phrase ''get the poison out'' has become very big lately. He said after Dave Lampert said it people have been using it all over TV. He played another clip where they talked about that during a game. The guy even credited the show for the phrase. Howard said another guy worked it into a Tampa Bay Rays game. He played that clip as well. Howard said there was also a podcast where this guy was doing a politics thing and that guy said ''get the poison out of your system'' too.
Howard said they have to get Dave back in there once more before they end their time there. Howard said they could never use him on terrestrial radio. He said that's the great thing about doing the show there. They can do the Sybian thing there and they could never do that back at K-Rock.
Howard read some feedback about Beth's appearance on the show and some people liked it. There was also some negative feedback about her. Howard said she comes on the show like two times a year and people still complain about it. Howard ended up explaining what Beth did with the book since some people don't seem to get it. He said she never claimed to be an expert but the writers thought she was claiming that by writing the book.
Howard read some mail about the Wrap Up Show and how they had so many people bashing Beth on the show. There was one guy saying Beth isn't an author but anyone who writes a book is an author. Whether or not they're good is left up to the reader. Howard said he had to take a break after that. He was going to do that but he had some other stuff he wanted to get to. He said that he had some audio clips to play and things like that. Howard said he wants to end the show on time today because he's still under the weather. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and asked when they did that cover of the song. Fred said it was a long time ago. Howard didn't like it so much. He said it was alright though. Howard found out it was done for the Interview with a Vampire soundtrack.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his news preview. Steve hit the wall as he was coming in. He said he just hit his knee. Robin thought he fell down but Steve said he didn't. Howard said he did make a weird entrance.
Steve said they have a story about Blue Iris and a guy who is honoring her by making a headstone for her.
Steve said they also have a story about High Pitch Eric being mentioned in a movie and the writer is trying to get it pitched on the show. Howard said he has no idea what he's talking about.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the list of things they were going to be covering today on the show. They ended up talking about Michelle Bombshell McGee for a short time during that. Robin asked if Jon would ever date a woman who is tattooed like that. Jon quickly said no. Howard said that was hard core stuff being tattooed like that.
Howard said the story about Jesse fucking 4 times a night was interesting too. He said it sounds like an addiction to him. He said he understands it when you're 18 and doing that but not a 40 year old. He said the guy is doing the chopper thing but he has to fuck this chick 4 times. He said that's kind of strange.
Howard said he and this really hot chick were together one time. He said the chick blew him and it was like a blow job from heaven. He said once he was done that was it for him that night. He said when they were done he didn't like this person anymore. He just wanted her to leave. He said he got the poison out and he wanted her out too. Howard said he wanted the chick a couple of nights later but not the same night. He said he can't imagine being that needy that he'd have to have her around for four times a night.
Howard and the guys spent a few more minutes talking about the inconstancies in Michelle's stories. Howard said he's not going to pick them apart, he'll leave that up to the audience.
Howard asked ''Jesse'' Hein if he had anymore. He wasn't sure how he got Jon's name wrong. Jon ran down some more of the subjects they had today. They ended up talking about the tazered kid again.
Steve Brandano came in with his Intern Show preview. He said they have Medicated Pete calling in tonight. They're also near the end of the semester so some of the interns may open up more now. They're on tonight at 7 on Howard 101.
Howard heard that Steve didn't go to the Iron Man screening last night because he wants to go to see it with ''real'' fans. Howard said he blew it and he's a real Iron Man fan. Steve said Howard wasn't the only one that was there. Steve said Tim Sabean was worried about how he was going to get his Blackberry into the theater.
Howard asked Steve if he knew what the name of Stark's father was in the comic. Steve didn't know so Howard told him to get out of there. Steve said he doesn't want to piss Howard off in the theater so that was another reason he didn't go. He said they didn't get some references in the first movie and he didn't want to go through that again.
Howard said that he's as big a fan as Steve is. Steve said he would go to see it with Howard. He said it's other people he doesn't want to see it with. Steve said he wants to see people cheering and stuff at the theater. He was arguing with Robin about it and said that she doesn't even read comics. Robin said she likes super hero movies and there's nothing wrong with that.
Steve said he's going to see the movie at midnight on Thursday night. Robin said she went to see Batman at midnight. Steve said that's fine but she's not as big of a fan of comic books as he is. Howard asked Steve about some comic book characters and tried to trip him up as a comic book fan. Steve said he's not challenging Howard, he's challenging his staff as being fans.
Ralph called in and told Steve he's nuts because he missed out on seeing it in Imax and they were the first people to see it in Imax. Steve said he doesn't care about that. Ralph said they were cheering during the movie too.
Cyrus from Philly called in and asked Howard how big of a fan he really is. Howard told him that he's such a fan he bought Stan Lee and he has him on display in his apartment. Howard said he actually spoke to Stan recently and he says ''Excelsior'' every time before he hangs up. Howard said he doesn't know that much about comics these days but he did when he was a kid. He said he had to take another break after that.
Shuli showed up with a two bags of clothes for Doug. He was returning all of the baby clothes he had gotten from Doug. He said they didn't use any of them. He said he had the car seat for him too.
Doug said he thinks that Shuli didn't get the message. He said Shuli came to his house to get this stuff. He said his wife didn't show up but she was 8 months pregnant at the time. Doug said it would have been nice if they had gone through the stuff then. Howard said Doug is wrong. Doug said he's not wrong and he wanted to finish. He said they told Shuli to take what they wanted and give back what they didn't need.
Shuli asked Doug why he asked for the clothes back. Doug said he didn't ask for them back. He asked for anything they weren't using back. Doug said it was once and not multiple times. Doug said the seat was something that came up on the web but they never asked for it back. He said that Shuli spun that and made himself look bad.
Shuli said that everyone is saying that Doug is out of line. He said no one is on his side. Doug said he has people on his side. They've come to him in the back.
Shuli said this was the biggest mistake he ever made in his life. He said he never should have taken this stuff.
Howard tried to convince Doug he was wrong but Doug refused to accept that. Shuli said he took the stuff that Doug gave him and he shouldn't have given it to him if he didn't want him to keep it.
Shuli said that Doug painted him as a guy who can't take care of his kid and he didn't appreciate that either. He said Evan brought him a car seat thinking he couldn't afford it. He said he doesn't like that.
Howard said that Doug should leave him alone and not monitor what he's given him. Doug said he didn't bother him about it. He said he wasn't monitoring him. Shuli said that Doug asked for the stuff back because he had friends who were having a baby. He said that Doug just doesn't want to man up and accept it. Shuli said that no guy gives a shit about baby clothes.
Gary said that he thought there was going to be more. Shuli said that he has everything that they gave them in those bags. It was everything that they were given. Shuli said he hates Doug. Doug said they did this for one of the guys from Howard TV, Keith, and they were very appreciative about it. He said that Shuli is an ingrate. Shuli said that Doug is a fuckin' pussy and he's the worst kind of person and the real you comes out when he's in a fight. Shuli said that Doug is a fuckin' jerk off. He told Doug to take it home and shove it up his ass.
Doug kept saying stuff to Shuli getting him all worked up and Shuli sounded like he was ready to throw a bunch. Shuli said that Doug is such a prick and what he did was class less. Doug said that he's attacking him over one fact. Shuli was yelling over him. Shuli said he wishes he could get his kid to shit and piss all over everything he got from him. He said that the baby is fine and it's all of this bull shit that sucks.
Shuli said that Doug was a beady eyed mother fucker. He told him he wants to beat his ass. He said Doug could never beat him at anything. He said he's a loser at life too.
Doug said Shuli didn't listen and he shouldn't have taken the stuff. Shuli said he's right about that. Shuli said that Doug was blaming his wife in this whole thing too. Doug said he didn't do that. He said he was just explaining why they gave him everything because his wife couldn't come that day.
Shuli was saying that they sent a thank you card to them about it and they were very polite. Howard said Shuli is right and this stuff is something that should have been in the garbage.
They talked about how Doug's wife saw their car seat wasn't being used and that's what led to her asking if they were using their car seat. Shuli said it sounds like they're using a magnifying glass to look for all of this stuff. Shuli said if Doug was trying to make all Jews look bad, ''Success.''
Howard said that Doug should have just let Shuli sit on the clothes and never ask for them back. He said that he has to stop with all of their friends and neighbors and just let them get their own stuff. Doug said that they're not the only ones who do this. Howard said they're too controlling with it though.
Doug said he thought he was just helping a friend out. Howard said he's too worried about it. Doug said he's done with it now. Shuli said he if he knew it was going to lead to this then he never would have taken the stuff.
Shuli said even if you ask for the stuff once, that's way out of line. Doug said he doesn't agree. Shuli said that's the end then. Howard said Shuli only had the stuff for a month. He probably would have given that stuff back to him if he had let him sit on it.
Shuli gave Doug the car seat back and took his big bag back with him. Shuli said that he's never accepting anything from anyone again. Shuli left Doug with a ''fuck you!'' and told him not to come up to him after the show. Doug said ''bye bye'' to him as he was walking out.
Doug said this went horribly wrong. He said he doesn't see what he did wrong. He said he knows what was said and what Shuli said he would do and what he didn't do. He said Shuli over reacted to this. Howard told Doug to make sure he's clear when he gives the clothes to the next couple. Doug said he's done it before and he didn't have a problem.
Howard said that the bag of rags they're fighting over is ridiculous. Doug went through some of it and asked if Ronnie wanted any of the jeans. They had
Ralph called ion and said this is great and Howard can't be thinking of retiring when he has stuff like this going on. He said he wants to see pictures of this up on his web site too.
Doug said he thinks that they're keeping some of the stuff. He said this can't be all of the stuff. Doug said he knows it was a mistake saying that though. Ralph said you can't give people stuff with strings attached. You either give it to them or not. Howard said he's on Shuli's side in this. He has nothing against Doug but Shuli happens to be right. Fred and Robin were on Shuli's side too.
Shuli came back in saying that this was everything that they were given. Doug said if it was this amount he would have brought it into work. Shuli said they washed and folded everything so they're not keeping anything. Shuli said that he has people asking him now if they can give him something and he stops them before they can even get the sentence out.
Vinnie Favale called in and asked Doug if he thinks that Shuli was ungrateful even before they saw the pictures on Facebook. Doug said it wasn't like that. He said Shuli did nothing wrong. Shuli said he drove all the way out to Doug's house to get the stuff. He said he was very thankful for the stuff. Doug said he was very thankful and grateful for getting the stuff.
Howard said he thinks that it might be Doug's wife getting all caught up in the baby thing. He said that she might want to be part of people's lives by helping them out with their babies. Doug said it's not like that either.
Vinnie asked if maybe his wife overreacted. Doug said she didn't and he said that the whole baby seat thing was just an inquiry if they were using the seat. Howard said he had enough of this now. Doug asked Ronnie one more time if he wanted to try any of the baby clothes on. Howard ended it so they could get out of there.
Howard kicked Doug out of there and tried to move on. They were goofing on his monotone voice for a short time after that. Gary came in and said that they were looking at the picture on Facebook and you really have to look close to see that the seat isn't that seat that Shuli returned. They checked it out and said that she really did have to have an eye for that. Fred said there's also a shelf life on car seats and after a few years you're not supposed to use them.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about how there are a lot of black people on Twitter. Robin read that about 25 percent of the users are black.
Robin read that Bret Michaels was released from the hospital. They expect he'll make a 100 percent recovery. Howard said that's amazing. He said it must be that stupid bandana he wears that protected his head.
Robin read a story about David Borianis admitting he was cheating on his wife. Howard said his wife was in Son of the Beach and she was beautiful. He said she was a terrific girl and hot as can be. Howard said he heard she was marrying that guy and he said ''Who?'' Then he was reminded it was Angel. Howard said no one cares what he's doing or if he's cheating. Robin said he continues to work though. Robin said that he has admitted he cheated on his wife. Howard said he tried to warn Jamie Bergman about it but maybe he was out of line.
Howard brought up this Rachel Uchitel because he heard she really gets around. Howard said he heard that she's been a regular out in the Hampton's and there are straight women who even want to fuck her because she's so sexy. Howard said he didn't know she was that sexy. He said that all of these celebrities just have to have her. Howard said she's got something and some girls just have it. He said they might not be the hottest chicks but they're sexy. It makes you want to get the poison out.
Robin read some news about the autopsy results from Corey Haim. They say that he died of natural causes. Robin read some details about what they found in the autopsy.
Robin read a story about the Times Square bombing and how there's a senator who is wondering why the alleged bomber was read his rights before he was questioned. Robin read about why this guy may have done the bombing and had some details about that. Howard did another live commercial after that story.
Robin read some more details about the bomber and had some audio of President Obama talking about how they're going to be looking into the guy's background. Robin said there are more arrests going on because of what the guy is saying too.
Robin said President Obama has proclaimed May 6th as the national day of prayer. Robin said that there are some people who are upset about that. That led to Howard asking if he believes in God. Howard said he does now. He said he's going to be going to a temple to pray for something. He said he can't think of any other way to fix this issue he has so he's going to temple to pray. Howard said he's bringing Beth with him. Howard said this always happens when he's sick. Howard said he was at his wits end and he figured he had to confront God. Howard said it's something he's so upset about that's wrecking his life that he's going to pray to God to fix it. He said he won't say what it is but then mentioned it was Fred. He was joking about that but he never did say what it was about.
Howard said he's going to give God a week to fix it. If it doesn't work he's going to go to Jesus and ask him to help. Howard said he'll switch to Christianity to see if that works. Howard said he must believe if he's going to go to Temple to pray. Robin said that 92 percent of American's believe there is a God. Robin said that 83 percent believe that God answers their prayers. Howard said he doesn't believe that he will answer his but he has to do something. Howard said this is something horrible and it's time for him to pray. He did some chanting and said that his chess rating went up to 2000 and that's what it was all about. Howard said he was kidding again and that he didn't want to say what it was really about.
Howard wondered if he has to say all of that stuff before he prays. Robin said he wouldn't have to if he went the Christian route. Howard said he's actually going to wear a yarmulke to temple. He doesn't want to disrespect anyone.
Sal came in and told Howard that prayer really works. He said that he has to do it in a big group though. Howard said this has nothing to do with anyone but him so he's not going to ask people to pray for him. Howard said he will have to use a bobby pin in the yarmulke and he's willing to do that but it's going to be humiliating. Howard told Sal to get out of there and said that he had better do well on the IQ test.
Howard took a call from a guy who was on a speaker phone talking as he was walking away from it. Howard and Robin told the guy to just pick it up. The guy came back and got on the phone saying he wanted to get Beth's book but he can't afford it. He asked if he could play a game to win one or something. Howard said it was 10:30 and he was trying to end the show. Howard hung up on the guy as he was asking for money.
Robin got back to her news and read about what people think about the Vatican and the way they're handling the child molestation cases. Howard said he would rather send a wolf out on a camping trip with his kids instead of a Catholic priest. Robin said she would too. Howard said that the whole being celibate thing is what does it. He said that you're going to attract some weirdos when you have something like that. Howard said there was a story in the paper about how there are two churches. There's the one that covered up the molestation and then there's the priests and nuns who go around the world to these horrible countries helping them out. He said that these awful people are ruining the good name of the church. Howard said there are people doing wonderful work out there. He said they can't have it under the same roof. Robin disagreed to a certain extent but Howard just wanted to move on.
Robin read about this 34 year old man who ran onto a baseball field and surrendered before he got tazered. Howard said that some guys are babies and they want to be tazered on TV. Robin said that he was booed heavily after running on the field. The guy apparently wrote on his Twitter account that he was going to run on the field. Howard said someone will run out there with a gun or a knife and you can't be against the cops when they tazer someone like that. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Robin read about some American hikers that are being held in Iran and they're trying to get them released. Robin had some audio of a woman talking about how they want them to release the hikers. Robin said they may have accidentally hiked into Iran. Howard said there's no reason to be anywhere near that country. He said we have plenty of places to hike in this country. Howard said he's at home 99 percent of the time and he only leaves under protest. Robin said there are places to hike and they don't need to see Iran. Robin said that they're saying that some of the hikers may have health problems. They have only been able to speak to their families once since being arrested. Howard read yet another live commercial after that.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a guy who says that President Obama wanted the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Howard said he has to hear that. He played the audio clip of this guy saying that he thinks that the White House could have been saying that they could use that story to their advantage.
Robin said that Michael Bloomberg is looking for more federal funding to help protect New York City from terrorists. She had some audio of him talking about that. Howard said the guy is right.
Robin said that today is cinco de mayo. Robin read about what the day is supposed to be celebrating. Robin had some audio of a guy talking about that as well.
Robin had a story about a new movie that's coming out with Pam Grier in it. Robin had some audio of her talking about working with Queen Latifah. Howard said he would go see it but he'd rather see it with a ''real'' audience like Steve Brandano said earlier.
Robin had some audio of Don Cheedle talking about being in Iron Man 2 and working with Robert Downey Jr. Howard said RDJ can't get enough praise. He said you have to suck balls when you get into a movie with him. He said he could do that too if they'd just put him in a movie. Howard made up some stuff that he could talk about if he was interviewed about working with RDJ. Howard made up a bunch of stuff that he could say about him being so great. He said that RDJ will only go to screenings with ''real'' fans.
Robin read about a Picasso painting that sold for $106 million at an auction. Howard thought about that and said that's a lot of money. Robin said it was Nude Green Leaves and Bust. Howard made it sound like a Sternac bit. He said the question was ''What does Steve Brandano yell out during a screening with real fans?... Nude, Green Leaves and Bust.'' Howard also said it was three words Crackhead bob would have trouble with. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:55am.
Gary said he knows that the audience gave her a hard time when she was talking about AshleyMadison.com and how she doesn't really troll for people on there.
Jon asked Gary if he felt like he was being disloyal to Sandra Bullock. Gary said he doesn't really because he doesn't know her. He said that she's never done the show so they don't have any loyalty to her.
Gary said he wasn't buying into Ralph's thoughts on her either. He said that Ralph thought it was her fault not knowing that Jesse was married. Gary said that she may have been lied to and she may have had the best of intentions but he's not sure about that. He could be crazy.
Jon said that Michelle claimed she wasn't in love with the guy either. He asked Benjy if he bought that. Benjy said he's not sure. He said it's hard to tell.
Jon said that she was also talking about how she was a good girl when she was young but it was really hard to get a good read on her. Gary said the listeners thought she was being dishonest but he thinks that Robin was right and thinks that she just doesn't know what she's doing.
Jon said he thought that one of the more bizarre things was when she said that she wasn't going to talk about whether or not Jesse used a condom. He played a clip of that.
After the clip the guys talked about how it was an odd line to draw. They figured she was just embarrassed by it for whatever reason and she didn't want to talk about it.
Jon also brought up the fight thing and how Damon had come in to talk about how it's ''100 percent entertainment.'' Gary said he thought it was odd how he ditched the whole plug to plug that electronic cigarette.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Benjy why he has to stutter before he begins talking when he's asked a question. Benjy said it must be a poor speech pattern. The caller also thinks that Howard is crazy lately and everything is bothering him. He said that the whole book thing is one thing. He said he is very ''double standard.'' Gary said the whole show was built on Howard being irritated so he's not sure what the big deal is.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that they were saying Michelle was a stripper and she was going back to stripping but she's ''feature dancing'' and not ''stripping.'' He explained what the difference was to the guys. Gary said it's all the same thing. He said that he's not passing judgment but if you take your clothes off in a club, you're a stripper.
Gary said they've had women on the show who think that Playboy isn't pornography but porn movies are. Gary said that pornography is nudity. Jon said he doesn't think that Playboy is ''pornography'' but Penthouse kind of heads down that road. He said it's a relative definition. Benjy said he leans toward what Jon is saying.
Fred came in and said he thinks that Gary hit it on the head. He said that it's more than the clothes now. He said if Doug doesn't change his tune then the animosity is going to continue. Fred said he's given away clothes before but he's felt funny doing it. He said that you wonder if it's going to be insulting to them so he understands how Shuli might feel. He said that when you have a newborn you don't get a lot of sleep so maybe Shuli is under pressure and not thinking straight. He said Doug should be thinking about that too. Gary said when you have a kid the whole house is in chaos so that's another thing.
Fred said he has a friend who just had a kid and when you have a first born you tend to over react to stuff. Gary said he gets what Doug was saying and maybe he didn't communicate very well with Shuli. He said he should have just let it go though. Fred said once something leaves your house then you have nothing to say about it.
Gary said Scott DePace is really upset by this too. He said he can't believe how worked up he is about it. Jon said if he had been asked about the stuff he would have just given it all back and not asked about it. He said he could have just gotten it done and over with. Fred said he probably would have done the same thing.
Jon played a clip of Doug and Shuli arguing during the show earlier. That's where Shuli stuck his finger in Doug's face and Doug threatened to knock him out.
After the clip Shuli said he didn't go into the studio ready to go off on Doug. DePace was in there too and he said that he was too. Shuli told him to stay the fuck out of it. He said it had nothing to do with him. Shuli got really pissed at him too.
Gary said he really didn't come in there to get pissed at Doug. Gary said that Shuli wasn't angry and he didn't show up angry.
Shuli said the thing that set him off today was when Doug said that he didn't bring his 8 months pregnant wife out to his house to pick up the clothes. He said that's what set him off. Shuli said if he had just brought it up and owned it then he wouldn't have gotten so pissed. Doug said that he really doesn't give a shit about this stuff. Jon said it's funny how they were ready to kill each other earlier and now they don't care.
DePace was getting more pissed than Doug was. He was telling Shuli that he could have had his wife separate the stuff they didn't want when she was folding them. Shuli said that DePace is as weird as Doug. Shuli said that he's still going out of his way to give Doug this stuff back and he doesn't even have to do that.
DePace said that the car seat was one thing that he could have given back. He wasn't using it and asking for it back wasn't that bad. Shuli said that Scott wasn't even there so he doesn't get why he's going off on him. He said he's not surprised that DePace is the one guy who agrees with Doug on this.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Doug is completely off base and he'd never do this for Howard. He said that he only did this because he thought Shuli didn't have nay money. Shuli said he didn't go to Doug, Doug offered it to him. Shuli said he didn't want to say no because he didn't want to be an asshole about it.
Shuli said it was his fault for accepting the stuff. He said he kept asking him to come and get it so he didn't want to be an asshole and say no to him. DePace found it odd that he was now saying that he was doing Doug a favor. Shuli said that's not what he was saying.
Gary said he laughed really hard when Doug asked Ronnie if he wanted to try on the little jeans. They talked about how Ronnie wouldn't have been able to stop a fight if they had gotten into it. Doug said he could have flicked Ronnie over the couch with two fingers.
DePace said that he finds it hard to believe that they're so irrational about this. Gary said this is the usual from Scott. He's always right and everyone else is wrong.
DePace and Shuli got into it some more but Shuli said it's so dumb to fight with DePace. DePace said that he should have just gone through the stuff and returned what he wasn't using. Shuli said they've barely had time to think since the baby was born.
Shuli said he never should have taken this stuff. He said he could have avoided all of this if he hadn't taken it. Gary said that everyone has made the joke about how this is a ''Jew fight'' but this happens all the time with everyone. He said that it's not just the Jews. Fred said he's very disturbed by the email they get about that.
A caller said that it was the way that he listens to Miserable Men and Shuli was making it out to be different. He said that Doug sounded cool about it today and Shuli was over reacting. That led to the guys talking about how Shuli's world is upside down right now. He said he's getting 3 hours of sleep a night lately with the baby in the house.
Doug said he may have assumed that they were able to go through the stuff too soon. He said he was just asking if they had the chance. He said he never demanded the stuff back. Shuli said that he never said he did. He said that it was the constant asking that was driving him nuts.
Gary said that DePace thinks that it was douchey to even bring it up on the Miserable Men Show. Shuli explained how it came out and it came out accidentally. He said that he was actually taking Doug's side in the argument at first. He said it was the callers who were bashing Doug.
Scott DePace was comparing the clothing thing to borrowing a movie from someone. He said next time Jon gives him a movie he's not going to give it back. They said it wasn't the same thing though. They were arguing about the difference between loaning a movie and giving someone clothes. Shuli said it was odd that there was a time line on the clothing thing.
Jon took a call from a guy who said DePace seems to be sucking Doug's balls on this. Doug said he and Scott don't agree on a lot of things so this isn't him just sucking his balls. They fight all the time.
Gary said he thinks that Scott really believes this. If he was mad at Doug he would turn on him in a second. Scott thinks what he thinks and he won't change. Fred said he's like Beetlejuice and he ''knows what he knows.''
Benjy asked Doug if he thinks he nudged Shuli too many times. Doug said he asked him like 2 or 3 times. He said it wasn't pressuring him either. Jon said he should have given it all back after the first time he asked.
Doug and Shuli said that both of their wives are upset about this. DePace said that his wife is actually on Shuli's side in this.
Jon said that when they looked at the picture on Shuli's Facebook page they saw that they'd have to study it. Doug said it wasn't that bad.
Shuli read some texts he got from Doug where he did tell him that this woman was going to be induced. He caught Doug lying about that. There were some other texts about how they wanted to give some other people some of the clothes if they weren't using them. Doug said he was just trying to do something nice.
Ralph called in and said he doesn't think Scott is kissing Doug's ass, he's just stupid. Ralph said that he's not sure why Scott thinks Shuli should have known the rules for the clothing thing. Scott said they had a conversation and Doug asked Shuli to get back to him. He said that six weeks should be reasonable. Ralph said that they'd do it when they have time and there shouldn't be a time line. Doug said they just anted the clothes that he didn't want given back to them. Scott doesn't get why they don't understand this.
Ralph told Scott he's really stupid and went off on him about the movie comparison. Scott took off his headphones so he couldn't hear him. Scott said this whole thing is so cut and dry. He doesn't get why no one understands it. Gary said it's cut and dry to Scott but they're not all stupid. Scott said that it was very simple. He said that Shuli didn't do what he was asked to do. Shuli said he didn't do it in their time line and that was never established. Shuli said he shouldn't have given him the stuff at all. Jon cut everyone off and said they had to take a break.
Fred said that he knows he's going to get email about this but he can't help it. He said that he won't apologize to Eric the Midget but to everyone else he will.
Jon asked Fred what it was about Scott that made him laugh so much. Fred said he's so ridged when he has an opinion and he was arguing like it was about terrorism or something.
Gary said that Steve Brandano is like that too. He said he's passionate about dumb shit. He said he's gone off about women who are Cougars and how Miss America disgracing the title and about Iron Man today.
Steve was in so Fred asked if he could have just gone to the movie and yelled stuff out himself. He could have showed his prowess in the theater.
Steve said he doesn't know why he gets so worked up but he is passionate about this stuff. Steve said he's not sure why Robin and Howard got so worked up about it today. He said he didn't exclude Howard and Robin from the people he was talking about. He said it's awesome that people are seeing the movie but he hasn't even watched the trailers since they started coming out. He said he's really excited about the movie and he doesn't want things spoiled for him. Fred said that nothing is being spoiled.
Steve said he was going to go but he changed his mind. He said that he loves being on the list for going to see screenings. He said it's just awesome. Fred said that they're great because they don't have people yelling ''Awesome'' during the movie. He said that they don't have to stand on line with everyone and he's able to see a movie without all of that and he loves it.
Shuli said he went to see Spider-Man once and he had to sit next to a guy dressed in a Spider-Man outfit. He said it was weird. Steve said that's what he wants to do. He wants to sit next to people like that. He said he feels like a 12 year old again when that happens.
Steve said that Jason was doing an Iron Man dance before he went to see the movie. He said that he was making it up and he doesn't know what to think about that. Steve said he's not trying to be the comic police but he knows he's a snob and he didn't want to see the movie with the Johnny come lately's. He said Howard isn't one of them but some of the people there were.
Gary said he loves that Steve gets fired up about funny things like this. Steve said there were things in the first Iron Man that he got that no one else did. He said that the first time is always the best time too.
Ralph called in and said that Iron Man 2 needs people to go see it and they have to be the ancillary people that weren't into it before. Steve said that Jason's Iron Man dance got to him and Tim Sabean wondering how he could get his Blackberry into the theater bothered him too. He said there were other people who have never talked about comic books who were talking to him about it.
Fred asked Steve if there is anyone there that he would invite from the show to see a movie like that. Steve said he can't say anyone. He said that he got Jason into reading comic books. Ralph asked Steve about him. Steve said that Ralph is too critical and he doesn't want to hear about someone's costume not being good.
Ralph asked Steve if he can get this worked up about Geektime and maybe get some good clips and not show up half in the bag.
Ralph said he gets worked up about this stuff to and he loves it when people like Tim get excited about movies like that. Jason came in to defend himself but he felt that Steve sounded retarded enough. He demonstrated the Iron Man dance before they had to end the show.
Howard started the show talking about the outfit he had on. He said he's supposed to be wearing a jacket over it but it's too hot in the studio. He asked Gary to make it a little cooler for him. He said he's got this sleeveless sweatshirt on and he didn't plan that.
Howard said he knows Elisabeth Hasselbeck and she's nice to him but she was bad mouthing Erin Andrews on The View the other day. He said she was saying that the outfits she was wearing on Dancing with the Stars were very revealing and the guy who spied on her should have just waited to see her on there. Howard said that's almost like saying she deserved to be raped. He said Elisabeth went on the air crying yesterday when she was apologizing for that. He said women can be really mean to other women. He said that's what his kids went through when they were in school. They didn't have any problems with boys, it was the girls who were mean.
Howard said that's like Whoopi saying that it wasn't ''rape, rape'' when she was talking about the 13 year old that Roman Polanski raped.
Howard said he's a real critic of TV and he can pick apart why a show goes wrong. He said that American Idol is going through that now and Kara Dioguardi and Ellen Degeneres are the problem. He said that Ellen is the one going around thinking she's the one who is taking over the show. He said he gets obsessed with that. Howard said Ellen should be keeping her mouth shut. He said she was all over him when his name was out there for being the replacement for Simon. Howard said she has nothing to do with it.
Howard said American Idol has dropped to the number 2 show and you just wait to see what's going to happen. He said they had Harry Connick Jr. on the show and he comes across as a guy who thinks he's funny but he's really just coming across as a douche bag. Howard said his music is awful and he doesn't know how he sells so many albums.
Howard said the show has gotten really boring and they drag it out too long. He said he didn't even stay up to watch it last night. He said it's not appointment TV for him anymore. Robin said she just forgets about the show now.
Howard said Nancy Sinatra was on the show last night too. He said Ryan Seacrest was saying hello to her and her sister and they stood up to be on TV. He said they were just giving a nod to them and they didn't seem to get that. Howard said once Frank died Nancy was able to get her own personality. they were finally able to talk once their father was gone. Howard said JFK Jr. was like that too. He wasn't able to talk until his mother died. Then he was all over the place.
Howard played some of Harry Connick's music from last night. He said he was supposed to be the mentor on the show. He laughed as he played the clip because it sounded so bad. Howard said he's got to be kidding. Howard said his parents might like that but who else is listening to that music? Howard said he's 56 years old and even he doesn't listen to that. Howard said that's like listening to music in an airport lounge. Robin said it really is like elevator music.
Howard said that she was basically saying that with Erin dressing like that, she basically deserves what she got. Howard said Erin is just dressing like the other people on the show. He said she should be allowed to do whatever she wants without some guy peeping on her. Howard said she's a young woman with a nice body and she should be able to do what she wants. Howard said women are so mean and they do this kind of thing all the time.
The caller was saying that Sheri Sheppard was rooting for the black people on the show all the time. Howard said he's not sure how anyone can take anything they say on that show seriously after Whoopi said that it wasn't ''rape, rape.'' Howard said a woman who is standing in her room being photographed illegally shouldn't have to behave a certain way just because of that. He said it's absurd what Elisabeth said. He said women should be sticking up for one another and not saying that kind of thing about other women. Howard said what Elisabeth said wasn't a sarcastic statement.
Howard played some audio of Elisabeth apologizing about what she said about Erin Andrews. Elisabeth broke down crying saying she told her daughter that she had ''hurt someone's feelings'' by saying what she said. Elisabeth said she did hurt her and she felt bad about that. Elisabeth said she took out some kind of ''devotional'' to read and she read it to her daughter. Howard got a laugh out of that. Howard said that kid is doomed. Elisabeth said her 5 year old told her to just call the woman and apologize to her. Elisabeth said she was sorry for what she said. Howard said she should have said she was wrong about her views. He said a woman shouldn't have to act a different way just because of what some creep did.
Howard said in some countries they punish women who are raped because they think it's their fault. Robin said it's almost like Elisabeth was having those feelings. Howard said Erin Andrews did nothing wrong and she's being punished. He said that she's being judged by that guy's actions.
The caller said that Howard is doing to Elisabeth what others were doing to him about Gabby Sidibe. She said Howard said that it was Hollywood to blame for that stuff and Elisabeth was saying that it's the viewers should be the ones who have to be judged. Howard said she's out of her mind. Howard asked what college she went to. Howard found out she didn't go to college and she didn't finish high school. Howard said it's too much for her to figure out and she has to trust that he's right there.
Howard asked who doesn't finish high school these days. She said she did finish high school and she was just playing along with Howard. Howard said that she didn't finish and she asked what really happened. Robin figured she got a GED. She was right. The caller said she did get her GED and she wanted to go to college early so that's why she did that. She went to community college.
Howard said this sounds insane. He said that she's thinking but nothing's happening. Howard said her way of thinking is convoluted. He said she should be talking about fashion and about the articles in the Enquirer. He said maybe she can go into beauty and mascara and stuff. He said to sit and debate in arguments isn't for her. He said analyzing isn't for her.
Howard asked if she's raising a kid. She said she does have one. Howard said he was sorry to hear that. He told her to tell her son that she shouldn't be in arguments and to apologize to him for not understanding simple things like that. The woman, Jane, was saying that her husband is going to love this. She was laughing at what Howard was telling her and went with it.
Howard told the woman to tell her son that she might be close to being a retard. He said maybe she's good looking and she said that she's about a 9. Howard said that she can tell her son that she loves him but she's near retarded. He said she's practically Rain Man. He said that she watches The View and she barely understands what's going on there. She said she'll do that.
Howard let the caller go and Robin read a daily devotional like Elisabeth was talking about. It was a religious thing about Jesus. Howard said Elisabeth should be spending more time keeping herself hot. He said she's really hot in person and he's seen her up close.
Howard said women have to stop beating each other up. It's just not right. Howard said that he's seen the next generation of women and it's not good. Robin said there are some women out there who agree with Howard and say they do have to stop bashing each other.
Howard said we're at war with this stuff and in World War II we didn't just go to war with one person. We went to war with a whole country. Howard said we have to go to war with Pakistan because that's where this group that trained him is located. Howard said they train these weak minded people over there and laughing at us. He said we're going to try this guy and he'll go to jail but so what? He said we're at war and we have to do something. They have to take a drone and blow these fuckers up. Howard said this isn't just one guy. He said it's more than one guy.
Robin said that Howard's argument isn't very good. She said that he's contradicting himself saying what he's saying. Robin said the guy is talking about who trained him and all of that. Howard said he should be there interrogating this fuck. He said he's pissed. Robin said that emotions lead to bad decisions.
Howard said they closed down the RFK Bridge last night. Robin didn't know what that was when she heard it. It's also called the Triboro bridge. Howard said he remembered it. He said there was an abandoned U-Haul truck there and he thinks that the terrorists are teasing us now. Howard said that they have to do something about this.
Howard asked the guy if he's fully shaved. The guy said he's not. Howard said Jared Fox is fully shaved. The caller said there's something odd when you do that. Howard said he asked Jared about that and Jared didn't answer him when he asked about the shaving.
Howard said he seems to be getting weaker and weaker. He said that it's embarrassing in the gym when they see him lifting 45 pounds. Robin said he does high reps. Howard said that's what women do so they don't get too bulky. Howard said Pat lifts a lot of weight. He said that guy is built but he's like a woman with his 45 pounds.
Howard said he's good at pull-ups and things like that. He said he just can't lift a lot of weight. Howard said he can squat 135 pounds but even that's going down. He said he doesn't care anymore. He said that he got sick because he went running with Pat the other day and he made him run hard for 5 miles. He said he got blown out and ended up getting sick. Howard said Pat told him he had worked up to that but he didn't even know he had.
Howard said he wants to be a real man and not a pussy. Robin said you have to listen to your body and not your trainer.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he's been playing chess on the web site that Howard plays on, ICC, but he's stated playing other places too. Howard said that all of the big games are being held on the ICC and that's where you have to play. The caller said that Chess.com is great too though and they have some big names there too. Howard said he likes where he plays and he's not going to play anywhere else.
Howard said he's not sure why people feel they have to talk him into changing things. He said he's fine with the site he plays on.
Howard said he got a BBM from Beth where she told him she needed him to bang her to get her over this anxiety she had. Howard said they got into bed and Beth was coming on to her a bit. He said he figured she was kidding so when they were in bed he told her that. He said he then got all macho and said that he was going to help mellow her out with his ''weapon.'' Howard said they got into it after that. He said he gave it to her and it mellowed her out. He said it shut her right up.
Fred played some porn clips with a guy saying ''wet cunt'' and Howard said that you can't do that in bed when you're with a chick. He said he thinks that JD is doing stuff like that because he watches too much porn.
Howard sang a little bit of the song using the Autotune thing since Britney had it on her voice too. He said he loves that thing.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn and she was saying that she thinks it's good that he's not going with Beth. He said that he would take the attention away from her.
Mariann asked Howard not to hang up on her. She was talking about going to see the softball game yesterday. Howard cut her off and hung up on her. Howard said she doesn't give him a chance to speak so he has to hang up on her.
Howard took a call from Wolf who said that his dad passed away this week and he was a huge fan of the show. He said he and his father would talk about the show and he wanted to say thanks to Howard for that. He said his father was just 56 and missed his 57th birthday by one day. Howard didn't know this was Wolfie the guy who does the interviews for them.
Wolf said his father died of a heart attack. Howard said that's really young. Wolf is just 34. Robin missed all of the details of the story so she was asking what happened. Howard said Robin doesn't seem to care about Wolfie.
Fred threw in Robin's Guatemalan music as they were talking about that. Howard said that's crazy. Wolf said that his father drove a tractor trailer for a living and he figures he was listening when he died. He said he was probably laughing when he passed away. Howard asked if he knows when it happened. Wolf said he knows exactly when it happened. Howard asked when it happened so they can look it up in the log to see what he was listening to. He said it was on Tuesday around 12:30. Howard said he would have been listening to the first half hour of the replay. Wolf said he would bet his life on it that he was listening to the show.
Howard asked what he was doing at that time. Gary said it was probably when he was playing the Brutal Master prank call. Howard said that's probably what killed him. Wolfie thanked Howard again before Howard let him go.
Howard said he dreads thinking about this. He said that he wants his parents to go together. He said it's going to be so much worse for him if his old man dies first. He said his old man does all of the stuff for his mother. He's going to have to do all of that for his mother. He said she's not even going to know how to get money.
Howard did an impression of his mother talking to him after his father dies. He said that he's going to have to tell her how to pay her bills and get money for them. Howard imagined that his mother isn't going to want to leave her house and he's going to have to move in with her.
Howard said he head about a woman who had to move into an assisted living thing and she didn't want to go but now she loves it.
Gary said his mother didn't want to go into it either but she's fine with it now. Gary said that handling the money thing is tough. He said that she knows how to write a check but she doesn't know how to put it in the ledger. He said that he has to handle her bills now and it's fairly easy to do that online now. Gary said she has no idea that she could have her stuff turned off if she doesn't pay the bills. He said she doesn't even know not to write checks when she doesn't have any money in the bank.
Howard said he thinks he'd do better if his mom went first. He said his father could make his own meals and stuff. He said that he'd eat a lot of sardines though. Howard said he knows how to make his cereal. He said he would be able to figure out the food thing. Howard said his father can go to KFC.
Howard imagined again what it would be like with his mother living longer and how she would constantly be saying that she missed his father. He said his father would be out dating within a week. He said that his mother is too emotional about that stuff. He said his father is more prepared for death than his mother is.
Howard said he has to make sure his mother goes before his father. He said he can imagine what his father would say if his mother passed away first. Gary said that you do worry about them when they're on their own though. He said he calls his mother and if she doesn't call back in a day then you start to really worry.
Howard said his parents don't have a computer or anything like that. He said they have a cell phone but they don't know how to use it. They don't get what TiVo is and they refuse to give up their VCR. It took him years to get them to use a DVD player.
Howard played the prank call Sal and Richard made where they used clips of his voice doing impressions of his parents to call a heating place to get their heat turned back on.
After that Howard said he's not sure how his mom is going to function without his father. He said he does all of the heavy lifting. Howard said he'll ask his mother where his dad is and he's out getting the car serviced and going to the bank and stuff. Howard said his father invested money and they're pretty much set but his mother is going to burn through it in like a month. Howard said his father has everything set for where they're going to be buried and stuff. He said they have that all taken care of. He said they're supposed to be buried on Staten Island somewhere. He said that's where his grandfather is too.
Howard said he hopes his parents go together. He said maybe they'll go within a week of one another. He said it would freak him out if one lasted a lot longer than the other. He said that would be a burden on him and he needs to be prepared to do the show.
Howard said he wants his parents to live forever. He said he's not sure he can take the pain when they die. He said he's not sure either one of them can get along without the other. Howard said his mother can do it if he steps in and assumes the role of taking care of the money.
Howard imagined his father knocking someone up if his mother died. He said he'd have a little brother while his father is like 86 years old. He said his father can shut down emotionally like any good man can. He said he'd be okay with it when his mother dies.
Howard said his dad's mom died by getting hit by a car and he's asked him about that. He said his father doesn't get that emotional about it. He said you just get passed it and don't think about it. Howard said he was probably around 40 at the time and he handled it just fine. He said he doesn't get emotional at all about it. He said he should dwell on it a little bit.
Howard said his mother used to tell his father that she'd get so emotional seeing him standing in the driveway as they pulled away so his father told her to just not turn her head. He said she stopped doing that and she's been fine ever since.
Howard said he doesn't want to be the new surrogate husband to his mom. He said that everyone in his family turns to him for solutions but he was always the moron so he's not sure why they do that. He said he wants to be left alone.
They were just 15 minutes away from the Miss Tranny contest. He said they have 3 judges and Gary the Retard is one of them. He may not even know what a Tranny is. Howard said they also have Scott DePace as a judge. Scott once had a Tranny on his lap at a dinner they were at. He got really drunk and he didn't know that the chick was a Tranny. Gary said everyone knew it was a Tranny except for Scott.
Mike Gange said that they all saw what was going on and they saw Scott going in for the kiss and Scott was the one who was initiating it. He said that he even went back in to get her phone number. Gange said Scott didn't know any better because he had just come in from Delaware. Howard said they have Scott and Gary the Retard judging with Ralph too. They had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said that was a beautiful song. He listened to a little bit more of it and sang along. He had Gary the Retard in the studio too. He said that Ralph and Scott DePace were also sitting in to judge the Tranny contest. Ralph said he didn't want to sit next to that retard... that retard Scott DePace.
Howard said they finally worked Gary into a bit there. He said Gary has wanted to come in there for a while now. Robin asked if he was ready to see some beautiful women. Gary said he was. Howard asked when he got in. Gary said he got in around 1:30 yesterday afternoon.
Howard said Gary is going to be one of the judges for the Tranny contest. Ralph asked if he knew what a Tranny was. Howard told Ralph he doesn't have to explain everything. Howard said Ralph is also a judge and he's got his own show on Howard 101 called Geektime. The show is new this Saturday from 2-4pm.
Howard said Scott DePace is also a judge. He talked to him about the Tranny he had a run in with once. Ralph witnessed that and saw the lap dance he had from that Tranny. Scott said he didn't care at the time. He thought he was going to get laid.
Gary the Retard said he's going to be doing some shows at a striptease club in Oregon. He said that's what he's been doing. Gary said he has a friend who helps him out. He said he has this show he's doing on the internet. Howard asked how that's possible. Gary said his friend helps. He talks on voice and he does that show. Howard asked where it was. He read a plug for him on Myspace at Myspace.com/thegarytheretard.
Howard told Gary he's going to be judging these ''women'' on a scale of 10. He asked what he would rate Robin. Gary gave her a 10. Howard asked if he's still with that girl he was with. Gary said he's not and he wants nothing to do with her. Gary said she was a gold digger. Howard said that's like going hunting for gold in the middle of the desert.
Ralph said that Gary's glasses are the thickest he's ever seen. Gary said he has bifocals. Ralph was wearing pink glasses according to Scott.
Gary was coughing a lot so Howard asked if he's still smoking. Gary says he's not but Howard said he knows he lies about it. Gary said he hasn't been smoking.
Howard sang the Hottest Tranny theme song after that. He sang about what a Tranny was but Gary the Retard still had no clue that he was going to be judging men dressed as women.
Howard had the first Tranny, Jesse, come in. They had an intro for Jesse where they gave some details about her life. Howard said hello to her and Gary was saying he was into her too. He said that he hasn't seen hot women like that in a long time. He said she was the hottest he's seen in a really long time.
Howard talked to Jesse about her operations and how she has always looked very feminine. He said that he looked like a girl even in boy's clothes. He kept his hair long all his life because he looked so much like a girl. Howard asked to see her boobs. Gary the Retard was very excited about that. Jesse said he's going to keep his penis and not get a vagina.
Howard asked Jesse if she does men or women mostly. She said that she does men. Howard asked Jesse if she wants to act more like a woman and not have the cock. He said that doesn't take away from his sexuality. Robin asked if he masturbates. Jesse said he does a lot. Howard asked if he's a top or a bottom. He said that he's a top but he will be a bottom.
Howard asked Jesse about his penis being 8-9 inches. Jesse confirmed that and said he can't wear a small bikini because it would hang out. Gary the Retard still didn't know what he was dealing with and said he bets she looks hot in a bikini.
Howard said that Jesse was going to play guitar for them as his talent. Howard said he thought he was going to strum it with his penis. Howard had her play a short time later. She just played something on the guitar and didn't sing. The levels were really low and he may not have been able to hear what he was playing.
Howard asked Jesse if he was going to get naked for them. Gary the Retard said he wanted to see that. Howard said he'd like to see that too. Gary said he wanted to go out with her after the show.
Howard had Jesse get naked. She took her top off and her bottoms off. Howard asked Gary what was going on there. Gary said that didn't look like a woman. Howard told him to check out her ass. Gary didn't want to go out with her after that. He said hew wanted to take pictures of her boobs but ''not that'' down below. Howard said that was something else. He said that must have been shocking to Gary. Gary said it was.
Howard asked Jesse a personality question and asked which ethnic group is the worst and why. Jesse said we all are bad. He said that everyone can be bad. He didn't want to pinpoint just one. Howard also asked what the hardest thing about being a woman is. Jesse said that dating is the hardest. He said it's very hard being a transsexual. He said he gets a lot of users.
Howard asked Ralph for his score. Ralph said they should have all of the girls come in and then vote. Howard wanted him to vote now. Scott wasn't sure how to compare her. Ralph said that he had a nice ass but the shoes were too small for him. Ralph said he was going to give him a 7. Gary the Retard said he was going to give a 10 for the sexy hair. Scott said this was going to be very hard. He said the biggest flaw was the hips. He said he didn't have any hips so he was going to give him a 4. Ralph knocked his score down to a 6 because he had no talent.
Howard had the second contestant, Jessica Fox, come in. They had an intro for her where they gave some of the details of her life. Howard said hello to Jessica who is a Native American. He was wearing a lot of turquoise jewelry. He told Howard about the casino they just opened up out where she lives. Gary the Retard said he liked her too.
Howard asked Jessica how hard it was growing up a boy and wanting to be a woman. Jessica said he had great support from his family and friends. He said that his sisters were all great. Howard said that it's amazing to her that he had it that easy. Howard asked if he had any weird nicknames like Pochaanus or anything like that. Jessica said he didn't have that.
Howard said Jessica looked very much like a woman. Robin asked if Gary wanted him to sit on her lap. Gary invited him right over. Jessica went over and sat on his lap and Gary seemed to be enjoying that a lot.
Howard said that Jessica had real breasts from the hormone treatments he's had since he was young. Howard checked them out and Ralph said they were very nice. Howard said Jessica sometimes doesn't tell men that he's a man. Jessica said it's very hard for a transsexual to tell someone about that. Howard asked what he does when he goes out. He said most of the time he will tell the men what's going on. He said that if the guy is too hot then he won't tell them right away. He said there are ways around it.
Howard asked Jessica how big her penis is. He said it's a perfect 7 inches. Howard had her pull down his panties to show them. Gary the Retard was very confused. He said he had never seen a woman with a dick before.
Jessica told Howard that he can control what a guy does and keep their hands away from her penis. He said he'll just put their hands on his boobs. He said that he can hide his penis and keep their hands away from it. He said that they don't mind fucking her in the ass thinking it's her vagina. Howard asked if he's fooled guys like that. Jessica said he has. He said it's dangerous to do that though. Howard asked if guys have ever gone down on her ass and said that her vagina smells like ass. Jessica said that hasn't happened.
Jessica told Howard about how one guy lifted up the sheets and saw his penis and he had a very bad reaction. He said that they shouldn't get so upset but it is wrong to disrespect someone by not telling them.
Scott asked if there are guys out there who have gotten blown and don't know that it was a dude. She said there are many like that. Howard asked if it's gay to get a blow job not knowing that he has a cock. Ralph said if they don't know he has a cock then it's not gay.
Howard asked Jessica if he can still get a hard on. He said he can. He said he could fuck Howard if he wanted to check it out.
Howard asked Jessica what he was going to sing today. He said he was going to sing in his native language. Howard had him go right into it. He sang without any music. Howard sang some stuff to him too. Howard asked if that was a rain dance. Jessica said that he just introduced himself in his language.
Howard asked to see Jessica's ass. He lifted up whatever he was wearing and showed it off. Ralph said it was very nice.
Howard asked Jessica if she's ever vomited on a man's penis. He said he had and he loves the story. He said he was giving a guy oral and the guy didn't know that he was a Tranny. Jessica said the guy had a very large cock and he has no gag reflex. He said that he pushed it in too far and he threw up KFC all over the guy's cock. He said that he came right when he vomited too.
Howard said it was time to judge and they had to thank Myspace.com/thegarytheretard for sponsoring the contest today. They have a $5,000 prize for the winner today.
Howard asked Gary the Retard for his score. Gary said he was going to give her a 10 even though her boobs were fake. Gary said he would kiss her on her lips if he went out with her. Scott said he was torn on this one. He said that he was staring at him and he was getting creeped out. Scott gave her a score of 5. Ralph said that he was going to give her a solid Tranny 9.
The guys were talking about the scores that Scott was giving and how they were thinking that he might have a crush on these girls. Scott asked if they're ever attracted to each other. The two Trannies made out for a few seconds. Ralph said he was curious about who was directing the show since he's supposed to be so important. Scott said he knew that was coming. Howard cut them off and said he had to take a break.
Howard said he was having trouble hearing the girls on the mic so he asked the engineers what was going on. He said he wants to make sure the audience can hear it.
Howard asked the girls if they can tell if any of the judges are gay. Jessica said that Scott might have to question his sexuality. Scott said his penis has crawled back inside of him at this point.
Howard had the third Tranny, Celeste, come in next. Howard tried talking to him but he had the wrong mic on. Howard checked out his belly button piercing. He spoke to him about his life and how he got into this Tranny thing. Celeste said that his step-father didn't want her doing this but he had to do it. He said the step-dad is still in his life and he's fine with it now.
Howard asked Celeste about how he did some porn but he hasn't been doing that lately. Celeste said that he's been doing some escorting. Howard asked if he tries to fool guys. Celeste said he doesn't fool them and the guys usually know what they're calling for.
Howard found out Celeste has a boyfriend who is a chef. He said that he doesn't want anything to do with his cock though. Celeste said the guy avoids his cock and prefers not to see it. Celeste says he would like to get his cock cut off and turned into a vagina. He said he barely uses it now anyway. Howard asked if he gets banged in the ass mostly. He said he does. He said that he also doesn't have a regular orgasm and it just kind of leaks out when he orgasms. Howard said it's kind of sad that he has to go through that. Celeste said he's fine with it and it works.
Howard asked if Celeste has ever fooled a guy. He said he doesn't do that to guys. They usually know. Robin asked how she told her boyfriend. Celeste said he told him but he stopped talking to him for a while but now he's back with her and he figured that he didn't have to judge him since he hated being judged himself.
Howard asked to see Celeste's boobs. He showed them and Gary the Retard was impressed. Scott DePace said they were a nice pair. Celeste put the bra back on pretty quick and said he was a modest Tranny.
Howard talked to Celeste about how she does kind of fool guys at first but she just wants to get to know the guys first. He said he did that more when he was younger.
Howard asked what Celeste's talent is. He said he was going to sing a song for them. He had the lyrics on his Blackberry so he was reading them off of that. Howard had her sing a short time later. Celeste did a rap without any music behind him.
Howard asked Celeste if he ever gets his voice deep. He said he doesn't do that much. Howard had him try but he didn't try too hard. Howard said that he had to ask Celeste a personality question too. He asked him to pull his pants off but he didn't want to do that.
Gary the Retard was ready to suck on Celeste's tits. Celeste said he would suck Gary off for free if he wanted. Howard asked Celeste who her ideal woman is. He said it was his mother. Gary was laughing. He asked what state he lives in. Gary didn't know he was a dude either. Gary told Celeste that he lives in Oregon. Celeste lives in Vegas.
Howard asked Scott for his score. Scott said he gives her an extra point for not showing cock. He said the tits were nice too and he was going to give him a 7. Ralph said that the outfit he was wearing was awful. He said that he thinks her boobs are nice but he has no talent. He gave Celeste a 7 as well. Gary the Retard gave her a 10.
Howard said Jessica looked angry with her getting those scores. Jessica was fine with them but said something about Scott getting fucked in the ass.
Howard had the next contestant, Hazel, come in. Howard said that Hazel came from Hollywood. Howard asked Hazel about her life and if it's tough being a Tranny. She said that it is kind of tough. He said that he's been happy lately but his childhood was tough. He grew up in Massachusetts and it was kind of tough up there. He said he was always asked if he was a girl or a boy.
Howard said Hazel is a porn star. He has worked with Jesse and he wants to work with Celeste next. Hazel said that he fucked Jesse really hard in the movie they did. They don't get to see each other much outside of the movie thing though.
Howard asked Hazel if he tells guys that he's a Tranny. He said he tells everyone within an hour to make sure they know. Howard asked about her boobs. He said that he's got small ones. He showed them to the guys. Howard said they were nice. Ralph said they have to be bigger. He said his are bigger than Hazel's. Gary the Retard liked them though.
Howard asked if they could see Hazel's ass. He said that he didn't want to do that. Gary asked her to do it. He begged him to show it so he did. Gary said he was wearing a g-string. He was calling it a green screen or something like that.
Howard asked Hazel what his talent is. He said he plays the harmonica. He said he's only been playing it for 3 days though. Howard had him play it and Howard actually recognized the song. He sang as Hazel played. He actually did okay with that. Howard asked if any Tranny has talent. Robin said it didn't appear so after this.
Howard asked Hazel a personalty question which was about charities spending money on feeding the poor or should it be used to make movies. Hazel said he would have to say feed the poor. Howard said he's wrong about that.
Howard went to Gary the Retard and asked him for his score. Gary gave Hazel a 10. Howard asked if he knew any other numbers. Gary said he does know 6,7,8,9,10. Howard asked Gary which of the four he would do if he could. Gary picked Hazel. Howard said he can see why, she's very lovely.
Howard asked Scott for his score next. Scott said she's got the best face but no hips and no tits. Scott said he was going to give her a 6. Gary was coughing every few seconds so Howard asked him what was up. Gary said he's still trying to quit smoking. He was lying about it again but Howard let him off the hook and said he didn't want to put him on the spot.
Howard got to Ralph next and asked him for his score. He said that Hazel is very pretty but he has no boobs or hips and he wasn't wearing good clothes. Ralph said the belly was too big too. He gave her a score of 6.
Howard said Hazel is pretty. He said he reminds him of someone but he wasn't sure who. Robin said it was Rachel Uchitel.
Howard asked the ''girls'' if they were nervous. He said he had the numbers and said that it was going to be very interesting. Howard said that he'd go to Jesse first. Jesse came in last with 21 points. He wasn't far off from the next one. Second place was Hazel with 22 points. They had a tie for first place with Jessica and Celeste. Howard said they both had 24 points.
Howard said they were going to do a tie breaker. Howard asked Celeste to tell them why she deserves to win. Celeste gave a quick speech about why he thinks he should win. Then Jessica gave a quick speech.
Howard told Gary to pick the one he'd rather bang as the winner. He told him to pick between Celeste and Jessica. Gary said he wanted ''that one'' but he didn't know her name. Gary picked Celeste. Howard asked Ralph for his pick. Ralph said he would pick Jessica, the girl with the big cock. Scott said they have a problem there. He said he doesn't want to bang either of them. He said he's not going to say he's going to bang either one. Scott said he can say who was more attractive though. Scott picked Celeste. Celeste won.
Howard said he was surprised by that. Celeste got some flowers in a big cock vase. Howard sang a song and then had the Beezid.com people come in with the check.
Howard asked the girls from Beezid.com to say hello. The girls quickly said hi and gave the check to Hazel. Hazel said she's going to spend the money on a new car. Gary the Retard was coughing over her so Howard asked what was going on there. Gary would cough after taking a sip of water every time. Gary said he has been to the doctor but it's not helping. Ralph told him to quick smoking and maybe the cough will go away.
Howard talked to the Beezid girls and one of them worked for the company and the other one said she shows her boobs at shows and stuff. Howard asked if she was going to show them. She said maybe later. Howard wrapped up the segment after that. Robin asked Gary if he was looking at girls. Gary said he thought he was. The girls gave him a hug and Gary said he likes them boobs. Gary ended up getting a little aggressive with Celeste. Celeste said that Gary tried to mouth her. Ralph told him to take it slower next time. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
After the break we heard Sal and Richard's ''jizz stains'' prank calls to a Tradio radio show. Fred also played a Steven Stills ''You Don't Have to Cry'' as they were coming back. It was from their Demos album.
Howard came back and listened to the song. He said he didn't want to interrupt it. He said that when he hears that song it really makes him feel more spiritual than any church would. Fred said that they use music in church because it can work like that.
Howard said he's glad he did the contest today because it showed how paranoid Scott DePace is. He said that Scott kept saying that he would never sleep with a Tranny. Howard said he knows that they're all men but he doesn't have to say every time that he doesn't want to fuck any of them. Howard said Scott is so uptight.
DePace was in the studio so Howard talked to him about that. Scott said he's not comfortable with Trannies. He said he felt he had to say that during the game. Howard said he thought the Native American would fool him in a bar but the other Trannies looked like dudes.
Howard asked Scott why he's so paranoid. Scott said he doesn't like being on the air. He said he's not comfortable. Howard said he hears him on the Wrap Up Show and they can't shut him up. Scott said Gary is the one who won't shut up on that show.
Howard thought Scott enjoyed being a judge but Scott thought he was doing him a favor. Howard said he'll never ask him to do that again. He said he gets that he doesn't like men but that was a lot of protesting. Robin said that he might be protesting too much. Scott jokingly said that he's gay and he likes taking it in the ass so Fred asked if they could isolate that for him. Howard tanked Scott for doing the contest and let him go.
Howard said Wade has a great story. He said that his wife told him to go buy this MLB 2K10 video game on his day off. He said that you run the team and try to win the game. Howard said Wade's wife, Katie, wanted him to play the game and throw a no-hitter and the winner would win a million bucks. Wade had never played the game before but Katie thought that he could do it. Katie said Wade isn't a strong video game player but when he does play he figures things out very quickly. She said he's played other games like that before and he said he thought he would do this.
Howard asked Wade what he does or a living. He works in 401K's. Wade told Howard he actually went to work that day and he didn't take off. He said he had to video tape himself playing the game so he did it after work. He said they look at the tape and then check to make sure he didn't cheat.
Howard asked Wade how many games he had to play before he pitched a perfect game. Wade said it was 7 games. He said it was about the same in the first 6 games. He said in the last one he got to the 7th inning he tried not to think about it.
Howard said they weren't wealthy people so this was a big deal to them. Howard asked if they were living in a trailer down there. Wade said they have a house actually.
Robin asked Katie if she was watching the game. She said she was busy at work because she's an accountant and it was tax season at the tine. She figured that he could fill his time playing the game. She was focusing on her work while he was playing. She wasn't even at home.
Howard asked Wade for more details about how he recorded himself and stuff like that. Wade said he had a web cam going and he recorded it on his computer. He said the controller was all warm and sweaty from playing. He said he got really nervous and then he threw the final pitch and gave a big ''Woo'' at the end. He said it may have been two.
Wade said he called his wife and told her how he had won. Katie said she thought that he should have taken off work because he won so fast and someone else could have won. Wade said he had to enter a code into the web site. Wade said they just contacted him on Sunday and they had to wait about 2 months to find out. They weren't sure if anyone else did it. Wade said that once they reviewed his game they didn't need to check anyone else's.
Howard asked about the call he got. Wade said they had to fly out and check out his xBox to make sure it wasn't modded. He said that they did that and checked out the machine. He said that they flew out the next day with the check and a camera crew. Katie said that she wasn't home then either. She said she came home and he had this huge check.
Howard asked Katie how it felt when she saw the check. She said that she was attracted to him even more than usual. She said that they had a lot of packing to do after that so they could make this trip. Howard asked Wade if his wife was so happy she wanted to give him oral. Wade said she was very excited but they didn't make love immediately. Howard asked if they have made love since then. Katie said yes. Wade said it wasn't the best sex they've had though.
Howard found out that they're going to donate 10 percent of their winnings to their church. Howard said that they should skip it this year and not to give this year. They said they've been blessed though. Howard said they could give $10,000 instead. Howard said that they don't have to give 10 percent. Howard said that they're planning on giving 100,000. Howard said that they don't have to give that much. He said he has to get a hold of them during the break to talk to them about that. He said he would suggest a smaller chunk.
Robin said they look very young. They're just 23 years old. Howard asked if the rest of the family knows about it now. They said they just told them because they weren't allowed to say anything until today.
Wade said they've been doing a lot of interviews and they've been very busy while they're in New York. Howard said he hopes there is a Jesus because they deserve to walk by them if they give 100,000 bucks to the church.
Ralph came in and asked how long the marriage is going to last now that the guy is a millionaire. He said he doesn't give it much more time. Howard said they're very religious so he thinks that it will work.
Howard asked Katie what she thinks about that. Katie said she can't speak for other women but she knows her husband and she trusts him. She said that she doesn't think that anything is going to happen. Howard asked if any of the relatives have hit them up for money yet. They said that they haven't yet.
Howard asked if they're going to pay off their house. They said that they have most of it paid off already. They're going to pay off the rest of the 40 grand. Howard asked Wade if this is the first girl he's ever had. He said she is. Howard found out that they met in college and they've only been with each other. Howard said that maybe they'll bring in another woman into the bedroom. Katie said she hopes that their little daughter comes soon and she'll be right there next to them.
Howard said that Wade seems to be a good man. Wade claims that he's never seen porn. He said he's seen some R-rated movies but that's about it. Howard said the people that raised him must be saints. He said he hopes this money doesn't ruin them.
Howard asked Katie if she was nervous on her wedding night since they had never had sex. She said she was kind of nervous. She said that it shouldn't matter once you're married. Robin asked if the parents talked to them before that night. Katie said there were some talks.
Howard asked if they went crazy on their wedding night and did it a few times. Wade said he thinks that they did. Howard asked Wade how he knew what to do. Wade said it just came naturally.
Howard asked them what they did before they got married. They would make out but even that they were going to wait for. Howard asked if he got to touch her breasts. Wade said he didn't get to do that. Howard said that had to kill him. Wade said it did a little bit inside but it wasn't too difficult. Howard said he must be some kind of saint.
Howard asked Katie if she ever thought about touching herself down below. She said she never did. Howard asked what planet they were born on. He said this is wild. He said he's never met people like them. Howard said that they have to get out of New York as quick as possible.
Howard asked Wade if he feels he missed out on anything. Wade said he doesn't think so. Howard said he has only one guy on his staff who doesn't masturbate. That's Jon Hein. He had a lot of conquests before he got married though.
Howard said they couldn't have picked two better people for this. He said that it's like they picked them out of Hollywood casting. He said it would be amazing if Wade went to Washington DC and became President some day too.
Howard found out that Katie doesn't even drink. Katie said she hates the taste. She said that she went to a wedding and had some wine there and thought it was pretty good. Wade said he's never had any. He hasn't tried any drugs either. Katie said she had to smell some drugs but she never did any herself. Howard said these two are the greatest couple ever. He said he doesn't believe they're real and he's being goofed on. He said they must be porn stars or something.
Howard asked if they've ever sniffed gasoline from a rag. Katie said she hasn't but she does like the smell of it.
Howard said there's something beautiful about this. He asked if they're going to have kids. Katie said they want to have three kids. She said they are open to adopting if the lord doesn't bless them with their own.
Howard said he likes these guys. He said he hopes they make it. Robin asked if they have any divorces in their families. Katie said her parents are divorced but she's doing fine. Howard said it's amazing that she's turned out as normal as she has. He asked what the biggest sin is that she ever committed. She said she has lied. She has lied about some very minor things. She said that everyone lies though.
Howard asked Wade what he's done. Wade said he's done a lot of stuff. He has skipped a lot of classes. Howard told him to get out of there. Katie said he skipped classes to play video games and that paid off for him.
Robin threatened to tell them what Howard has done. Howard threatened to tell them what Robin did out in San Francisco. They both kept their mouths shut and didn't tell them the stories.
Howard asked Katie about what her favorite bible passage was. Katie rattled something off and Howard said his was the same.
Howard said he's very happy for the couple. Robin asked what they watch on TV. They watch American Idol so Howard talked to them about that. They talked about how they like Ellen as a judge and Howard said he doesn't. He asked if Leno is a scum bag. Wade said he likes him but he kind of does think he's a scum bag. Katie said she doesn't even know what happened.
Howard asked Katie if she would turn Wade down if he asked for some crazy sex stuff. She said that's between them. Howard said they've learned a lot today. Robin said it was refreshing. Howard said he just found the missing link.
Howard said he heard that the secret to winning the game was to pick a shitty pitcher. Wade said they use real life pitchers and he didn't have a choice. He said he just went with the guy they gave him. Howard said it must be his favorite game now. Wade said it is, he's playing it every day now.
Howard said that Wade is going to go down as the best player in history. He said that winning a million bucks after playing 7 games is pretty impressive. He said chess players never do that kind of thing.
Howard said this was a big moment in his life. Robin said she thinks that her life has been changed. Howard wrapped up with them a short time later. Howard said he was fascinated with this story. He said that a million bucks in Alabama is worth a lot more than it is there in New York. They bought their house for $130,000 down there. Howard congratulated them again and went to break.
Howard came back and had Mike Walker on the phone. Robin said she felt dirty after they had those two on the show. She said they were so sweet and innocent. Howard said that's actually a little scary to him. He said he's not sure what to make of it.
Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Gary said he got up that morning and ran. Then he took Jackson to his baseball game. Then he did the fair, then he did some other stuff, then he took Lucas to a game and then did some more cooking at the fair. He said this was just one day out of the year though. Howard said Gary should be thinking about the show more. Gary said he does that all the time too and Howard knows it.
Howard said Gary types with one finger and that drives him crazy. Gary said he'll still be doing that in 10 years. Howard said he stares at the keys like an ape. Gary said he took a typing class once but it annoyed him so he left.
Howard said it drives him crazy when he sees Gary typing like that. He imagined him typing his book with those two fingers. Fred threw in some Gary ape sounds as they were talking about that. Howard said Gary is looking at the keys like the apes in 2001 a Space Odyssey finding the monolith.
Gary told Howard not to get mad at him when he doesn't get out of there on time. Howard said he could do this all day long. He was doing his Gary impression as Fred played the music from 2001 and some ape sounds.
Steve said that Pittsburgh Pete had an impersonator calling another show as him and claiming he was getting a show on Howard 101. Meanwhile Medicated Pete will be doing his own show next Monday night. Howard said that should be some show.
Steve said that Bubba the Love Sponge may be getting his own TV show like Jerry Springer had. Steve also got in some plugs for a Mother's day special that's airing this Sunday on Howard 101. It features Howard's mother.
Steve mentioned that there are just 100 live shows left on Howard's contract. Howard said he sees a light at the end of the tunnel now. He asked if he could do all 100 next week and leave.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down the list of things they had to talk about today. When he mentioned the Tranny contest Fred played the isolated clip of Scott DePace saying ''Yeah, I'm gay. I like it in the ass.'' Scott told Fred not to play that sound effect anymore. They played it another two or three times.
Howard had Mutt from Superfan Roundtable on the phone next. Mutt said they'll be talking about the Tranny contest and the baby clothes incident from earlier in the week. They'll also talk about the Medicated Pete show and the Mother's day special. Superfan Roundtable is on tonight at 7 on Howard 101.
Robin read a story about a kid jumping on a bed and bouncing out a window accidentally. Robin said the kid was jumping on the bed in the afternoon and ended up landing on the grass below. Robin said the boy was uninjured though.
Robin read about American Idol's ratings being the lowest in years. The last time they had such low ratings Brian Dunkleman was still on the show in 2002. Howard blames Ellen and Kara. He said they slow the show down a lot.
Robin read a story about an anti-gay activist who went on a holiday with a male prostitute. Robin had the details of that story and how this guy had hired a 20 year old man to go on the trip with him. Fred threw in the DePace clip again during that story.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to just tell him he's the man and he's been on fire lately. Another caller said he wanted to get Gary the Retard to go on a date to the moon with the winner of the Tranny contest. Howard said that would be funny. Howard asked if Gary the Retard is still there. Gary said he was. Howard said he'll ask Gary the Retard if he wants to go to the moon with her. They were referring to a bit they did with Gary a while back where they sent him to the moon but the moon was the green room.
Gary the Retard came in so Howard asked him if he wanted to go to the moon with the winner of the Tranny contest. Gary said he was confused on that. Howard asked if he wanted to go to the moon with one of the girls. Gary said he got kind of scared. He said he would go though. Gary was still confused about the whole thing.
Gary was coughing on his way out the door and he coughed on Gary Dell'Abate. Gary said that Gary shakes his hand vigorously every time he sees him. He said he has to use hand sanitizer every time but he still shakes his hand.
The caller, Mark, said that they should do a black light on the studio after this stuff they do. He wanted to know what show is number one on Howard TV right now. Doug Goodstein said he thinks the Little Lupe show was number one for a while. He's not sure what's number one right now.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about the largest beaver dam that was found in Canada. She said it's so large that it can be seen from space. Robin said the dam is 2,800 feet long. She said that the average dam is 10-100 meters long. They had to go to break after that.
After the break Robin got right back to her news and read a story about the new immigration laws in Arizona. Robin said that Al Sharpton has gotten in on this whole thing. Robin said that he's united against the law with others. She had some audio of Sharpton making a speech and Howard said he has to learn how to talk like him. He said he should learn that for when he goes on Letterman.
Howard took a call from Bobo who didn't appear to know he was on the air. Bobo asked if Beth has turned down any shows based on Howard bashing the hosts. Howard said she hasn't done that. He tanked Bobo and hung up on him. He said he's not sure what's going on with him. He said he was told that Bobo reads his questions off a piece of paper and he can't go off the script. Howard said it does sound like he's reading.
Will came in and said that Bobo clearly reads from a script because he'll call in one day and if he doesn't get it on the air, he'll call in the next day with the same question.
Howard said he heard that Bobo was leaving messages for Gary and he was leaving the same message time after time. Howard had the audio of that. He said even though it's late in the show it's worth playing.
In the clip Bobo was saying that he wants to take Sal on in an IQ test. Bobo said if he loses he could have Will the Farter blast in his face for the full play out of Wipe Out while Richard drums his ass with sticks. Howard said they're not going to do that because no one cares. He said Bobo called back like two minutes later and left the exact same message. Howard played a little bit of it but cut it off because he had yet another one where Bobo said the same thing. He played some of that message too.
Howard said the idea was so boring and dumb. He said that the guy was calling Gary on a Saturday night with that stuff. Gary said that there's a movie called ''Big Fan'' where this guy writes out his diatribes and his friend is a big dimwit and he thinks that this is the same kind of thing.
Robin read that Beth Ostrosky Stern is going to be on David Letterman's show tonight. Howard said he thinks she should drop the Ostrosky. Robin said she thinks it sounds important. Howard said a lot of people have trouble pronouncing her name anyway. He said it took him a while to get it down.
Robin read a story about the White Sox manager blasting the new immigration law in Arizona. She read about what he was saying about it.
Howard got upset when he heard the studio door opening and closing again. Gary said he was told it was fixed. Robin said that Gary had just handed her a story about Lawrence Taylor getting arrested for rape. Robin read that he was being accused of rape but not many details were available. They spent a short time talking about the old days when L.T. would come on the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had some statistics on the IQ test they were going to take. The guy said that the average IQ of the Ashkenazi (European descent) Jew is 115. He said that they say that they give reasons for why that might be in this thing he was reading. The guy said that it could be from some diseases they had and how they had to survive through them. Robin wondered why this guy was telling them all of this. The guy said he just came across it and thought he'd pass it along. Howard had to do a live commercial after that.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about the guy who reported the car bomb truck to the cops. Robin said the guy has been getting more business because of that heroic thing.
Robin read some news about the terrorist and how he had taken a getaway car back to the train and then went home to Connecticut after parking that truck in the city. Robin said they're trying to find out what his motivations were. Howard didn't want to get into that whole rap again since they did it earlier.
Robin read about an NBC News employee who won the mega millions lottery. Robin read the details about how they found out they won. Howard said he hasn't played the lottery in a long time. He said he made sure his parents didn't know about it. He said his father caught wind of it and told him that only losers play the lottery. He said he's right. Robin read the details of the pay out and how they have a choice to take a one time payment or the full payment over 25 years. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about people who get less than 6 hours of sleep have an increased risk of dying early. Robin said she has to get more sleep. Robin has claimed that she doesn't need much sleep. Robin said there have been times when she's stayed up for 24 hours straight. Robin said that sleeping too long can be bad for you too. They say that 7-8 hours is about the right amount.
Howard said he's been sleeping like 9-10 hours on the weekends. He said he had a dream about shitting in a chair recently. He said it was very odd.
Robin read a story about a study that was done that found women with high pitched voices like men with deeper voices.
Robin read a story about the word ''try'' being a cop out. Howard said she's probably right. He said Scott the Engineer says that every 3 seconds. Robin said they say that the word ''Whatever'' is another one that's used to dismiss people. Robin had a bunch of other words and phrases that are bad for the workplace. Howard and Fred were doing their Scott impressions during that.
Robin read a story about Kristen Stewart and how she's saying that she's not miserable all the time like people think she is. She just feels pressure from the red carpet events she has to go to. She's never left alone either. Howard said she's picked the wrong line of work then.
Robin had some audio of Robert Downey Jr. talking about working with Don Cheedle. Howard said that they're always kissing each other's ass. Downey was also talking about working with Jon Favreau. Howard said he loves those guys but they have to calm down.
Robin read about Russell Crow doing another movie and had some audio of him talking about doing a 3D Gladiator movie. Howard said they're talking about ''Gladiator'' where they all got shaved down to do the movie.
Robin had some audio of someone talking about working with Queen Latifah on a movie. Howard didn't let that one play for long.
Robin had some audio of Jerry Seinfeld talking about picking people to host The Marriage Ref. Howard didn't last long during that one either. They ended the show around 11:05am.
Jon asked if men could be fooled by those Trannies. Gary said that two of them could probably fool some guys. Scott said that some of them could. He said some of them just looked too much like men. He said he was repulsed by the one who was staring at him. He said she was too over the top and too gay. He said she was staring at him and winking and it was too creepy for him.
Scott was annoyed by everything. He was annoyed by Ralph writing his notes and by Gary the Retard licking his lips and coughing constantly. He was also saying his glasses were like an inch think and they were reflecting into his face.
Jon said Gary the Retard was very confused when the Trannies would show their dicks. Ralph came in and said he took the judging seriously unlike Scott today. He said he thought the one he picked to win was very attractive. He said she had perfect tits. They were arguing over who had the nicer tits.
Ralph said one guy whipped it out and it was just weird because he was trying to get it hard. Gary said it was disturbing when the one guy whipped it out. He said that he looked like of like Busy Phillips from Cougar Town. They talked about the dick coming out and how odd it was to see it coming out of his/her pants. Ralph said it wasn't even gay, it was just weird.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard saw that Scott was the weak link and he kept picking on him. He also said that he heard the guy who won the million bucks may lose the money because he used Gary to throw out the first pitch. Ha Ha.
Gary wondered how the guys get off if they don't like getting erections. one of them was saying he has an orgasm but it just oozes out. Ralph said that made him want to throw up.
Another caller said that Ralph was judging based on penis size. Ralph said that was part of the competition. He said that they are Trannies after all.
Jon asked Gary about how none of the people seemed to have any talent. Gary said the one who played guitar looked like she had never played a guitar before.
Gary said that Will had to go deep into the Tranny community to find these people. Gary said he had to go out and find them for this competition. Ralph said they were all in love with Will too.
Will said he figured the porn stars would be the easy way to get them to get naked. He said he went to a porn site where he found out about who he could contact. He said he went through Paul Fishbein and found out who he should contact.
Will said that some people turned them down. He said one of the hottest ones in the community actually turned them down. He said Celeste also acted like a diva the whole time.
Gary said they had to pay to get some of these people in. He said that he tried to call Celeste and her luggage was missing. He said he didn't want to be confrontational so he asked what they could do to help. She was telling him that the only solution was to get her luggage back. He said she ended up hanging up on him.
Scott asked if it ever works the other way and asked if there are women who dress like men. The guys said they had that Buck Angel chick on the show and that's what she does. Scott said they should hook up with these guy Trannies and they'd be perfect couples. Will tried to explain to Scott how that won't work. Will said he's not sure why people get so freaked out by the Trannies.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that they had the two biggest tune out factors in the contest today. They were Scott and Ralph. The guy said that they had the two together and it showed what a real bitch Scott is. He said that he's an animal beater and a child beater. Scott said he doesn't touch his kid. Scott told the guy that he sounds like a homo to him. Gary said he hasn't heard that term since grade school. The caller didn't answer. Scott figured he ''got him.''
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what's gayer, the guy (Tranny) giving the blow job or the guy getting it. They said it was the guy giving.
Gary said he knew a guy who would tell him stories about getting blown by other guys and saying that it wasn't gay if he pretended it was a chick blowing him. Gary said he's pretty sure the guy was testing him out.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Scott why he's all over any point of view that's not his. Scott said he's just who he is and he can't help that. He said he finds the whole Tranny thing to be creepy. Scott said that's just what he is.
Will said that Scott was holding back from saying some stuff today. Scott said he could have been a lot worse but he was trying to be respectful. He said he doesn't want anything to do with them. Ralph said he was holding back some stuff too. He said he didn't want to scare them off. They talked about how rough the first one looked. The one from Cougar Town.
Gary said he thinks that they all left there pretty happy. He said it worked out okay for them all. They spent a minute talking about that.
Jon asked Gary why he wasn't in the studio today. Gary said it was very crowded in there and Howard had his hands full already. Ralph said there was only room for one Gary the Retard.
Another caller said that he's with Scott on this whole thing. He said he didn't understand how that one Tranny said she gets away with fooling guys into thinking that they're in a vagina and not in an asshole. The caller said that he would never make that mistake. The caller said that he's fallen out of the hole and gone into the dirty one but he knows it.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked Scott if he was ever molested as a kid or anything. Scott said a priest once took him to a baseball game and when he dropped him off he said he'd never take him to another game. Gary asked if the guy had been caught doing anything else. Scott said that he had been sued. Gary said maybe Scott was just a pain in the ass and the guy didn't like him.
The caller told Scott he has to lighten up. Ralph said he doesn't think that Scott has any gay tendencies, he's just a dummy and he's afraid of Trannies.
Gary asked if he knows any gay couples in his neighborhood. Scott said he does know some. He said he would prefer to have straight republican neighbors but he can't control that and he's not trying to. They had to take a break a short time later.
Jon said that Howard was also talking about Gary's accident at the fair and that led to Howard goofing on him about the way he types. Gary said he doesn't want to learn to type just so he can keep pissing Howard off. Jon said Howard enjoys mimicking Gary typing.
Gary said that he'd like to thank the asshole who tipped off the news department about his trip. Gary said Steve Langford had to ask him about it. Gary said he was running off the stage and tripped over a cable and fell off the stage. He said even he'd like to see the video of it if it exists somewhere.
Jon moved on to talk about Wade and his wife Katie. Jon said that Howard was fascinated with them. Gary said that he's been dealing with the company that puts out those games and they were offered the chance to have other people on in the past but Howard wasn't interested. Then this guy Wade came up and they had him in for 40 minutes and it didn't have much to do about the money. Gary said that the people from the company noticed how Howard just plucked and picked away to find out so much information.
Gary said that when he hears about people like this it's like finding a unicorn. He said they didn't have sex before the marriage so that's just wild to him.
Scott said Howard was looking at them like they were aliens. He said he'd rather have a world full of those people than a world full of the other assholes out on the street.
Ralph said that it's a waste of a million bucks. He said he still thinks that the guy is going to get rid of the chick now that he has money. He quoted Chris Rock who says that a man is only as faithful as his options. Ralph said that guy is probably one of those guys who will smoke one cigarette and then go off on a bender for a year.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he works with a lot of Christians and they all get married young and he thinks they do it just so they can have sex. Gary agreed. The caller said he heard about a woman who did that and she doesn't even like having sex. The caller said he thinks that a healthy sexy life is an important thing in a relationship.
Ralph said that it's fine if that's what you have around you all the time but you can't just stick that house in the middle of New York and think that things are going to be normal.
The guys ended up talking to Jon Hein about his 80 blow jobs. Jon said he never said it was 80. Gary said he loves that everyone in the room knows the Achilles heel of everyone else and they go right to it.
Jon took a call from this woman, Lilly, who has a British accent. She has called in before and she said she has a fantasy about Ralph blow drying her hair. That's the whole fantasy. Benjy asked if she would go through with it. She said that she wouldn't because she's married. She also said she's pregnant. She's 7 1/2 months pregnant. Ralph told her to pop it out and they'll talk.
Lilly asked Benjy if he has ever fantasized about any of his co-worker's wives. Benjy said he thought about Mary for a while. He's also asked Scott's wife out. He said he found Jason's wife hot and Stuttering John's wife hot too. Benjy said he's gone through that with just about everyone's wife but he really thinks that he and Scott's wife are the best match. He said if Scott dies he'd like to date her.
Benjy asked Lilly if she has any emergency supplies in her house. Lilly didn't understand why he was asking that. Ralph said it's because he likes to bring the show to a grinding halt.
Lilly asked Gary if he would rather give Will or Tracey a raise if he had the choice. Gary said he doesn't have to make that choice. She told Gary to just answer the question. Ralph said that he thinks that Will deserves the raise. He said he gets there so early.
Lilly asked one more question and asked Ralph if he ever thinks he'll be in a committed relationship. Ralph said maybe. He said he should be committed if he ever is in a relationship. They had to end the show a short time later. They were all talking about how great Lilly's calls are. they like the way she asks if it's okay to ask a question before she asks the question. They wrapped up and ended the show after that.
Best of the Week was over around Noon.