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Howard and the crew are back from their week long vacation. Howard started the show saying he couldn't wait to get back. He said vacation was too long. Artie pointed out to Robin that Howard was being sarcastic. Howard said the show just goes on and on and on. He said it's supposed to end at some point but this one just doesn't.
Howard said they had a lot to talk about today. He said they have plenty of time to talk about it all though. He said it's going to be calm and relaxed this morning though.
Howard said he didn't do much last week. He said he found that on the Thursday they left he had it and he just had to get out. He said the headphones were making his ears pound and it was just time to go. Howard said the headphones were too loud and things were getting to him.
Howard said there was a lot of business going on and stuff like that too. He said he likes to call them ''beatings'' and not even meetings.
Howard said it was nice to get away and get drunk every day for a week. Howard said Artie might be on the wagon but he's not. He said Artie is making progress and he can see that. Howard said he was feeling out of it and tired so it was good to have a break.
Howard said there's some weird shit going on with the meetings he had there. Howard said there's always something going on there. Howard said everything is cool now.
Howard said he watched the bit on YouTube this morning. He complained about them stealing content for a short time and said he might as well use it as long as they're not taking his stuff off of there.
Howard said he figures that Eminem was in on the whole Bruno thing last night. He said it was obviously rehearsed and they had Eminem walking out and it was obviously blocked like they had run through it in a rehearsal. Howard said the posse were going to beat up Sacha Baron Cohen but didn't so it was obviously set up.
Howard said he's surprised that the press didn't pick up on the fact that Eminem was acting. He said MTV wouldn't be so brave to let the guy land on Eminem in a show like that. Howard said it's so obviously a set up.
Howard read an article about the awards and figured that they couldn't have had the article if they hadn't known about this event ahead of time. They wouldn't have had time to get it into the paper if they didn't know ahead of time.
Howard said Megan Fox stole the show last night. He said she's so perfect looking but he's not in love with her because he gets the feeling that she's cuckoo.
Howard said he hears that song on Sirius Hits 1 all the time. He did his impression of DJ Spyder Harrison and said he has to meet that guy because he loves the voice he does. Howard played the song and it started off really slow so Artie was goofing on him right away. Howard told him to stick with it.
Howard said this song ''The Climb'' is like that Anne Murray song that Artie sings. Howard said there are a few other songs he likes as well. He said all the girls who call in on Sirius Hits 1 love it too.
Howard said Miley was up there at SIRIUS about a year ago and they didn't let her come in to say hi to him. Howard said he thinks his father may have kept her away because he thinks he's a douche bag. Howard ended up goofing on Billy Ray Cyrus' hair cut for a short time. Howard joked that the guy who cuts his hair had cut Moe from the Three Stooges' hair before.
Howard said he listens to a morning show on Sirius Hits 1 and one of the girls used to be the receptionist there. He said he had no idea. He didn't even know her that well though. He said he has to sprint out of the building when he leaves every day and he has to walk through that lobby there and it takes him about a half hour to leave. He said it's only 100 feet but it still takes him 30 minutes because everyone stops him.
Howard talked about some of the people who stop him on his way out. That led to Howard saying that Robin is going to have to start teaching him how to get out of there early. He said he won't make it 18 months if they don't start ending the show on time. He told Robin to just stop him at 9 o'clock and do just the top 9 stories. He said he really has to get out of there on time so he can save himself for the next 18 months.
Howard said they were playing a game on that show that reminded him of his Homeless game. He said that kind of bothered him.
Howard said he heard that Jay Leno left the Tonight Show while they were away and the reports about him were pointing out some of the bits he came up with. Howard said one of the bits was this ''Jay Walking'' bit. Howard said that's the bit that they took from him and didn't pay him for. Howard said he developed that game and the Tonight Show took it from him. Howard said they don't point that out.
Howard said he thought about that over the weekend and now he wants to point out that this ''Nicole vs. The Streets'' game is something else that they stole from him on this Sirius Hits 1 show. Howard said he likes the show and he's not against it, but he does want to point that out.
Howard said he's going to rip off their bit and he's going to play their Nicole vs. The Street. Howard said they're going to play a Homeless Game every day from now on because people forget that they came up with that game. He said he does this stuff and there's an initial flurry of offers to do shows based on his bits and he stops using them. Howard said he should reclaim his old bits now.
Howard said he started to get annoyed that these games were all taken from him and they haven't been playing them for a while now. Howard said the ''Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader'' is one of those games.
Howard said the abortion kooks in this country are trying to take over and he likes that Obama is trying to put a stop to that. Howard said there's a new Supreme Court justice being added soon and she's keeping her mouth shut about it.
Howard said the abortion doctor was wonderful because he was doing late term abortions. Howard said the guy had been shot once and had bomb threats and stuff against him. Howard said the guy kept doing what he was doing though. Howard said he did it these third trimester abortions because these women were desperate. Howard said they were desperate because the fetuses were diagnosed with terrible deformities. Howard said he's talking about major issues. Howard said they called this guy a killer but the fetuses were in such bad shape that some of them could have died when they were born anyway.
Howard said that you could almost call these mercy killings. Howard said the deformities were so bad that the fetuses could have had eyes on their feet and things like that.
Howard said it turns out the guy who killed this doctor had a record. Howard said the guy is dead and he will be forgotten even though he was a hero. Howard said the guy cared about people and no one gives a shit. Howard said you don't have to have a late term abortion. The guy wasn't going around taking women off the street and killing their babies. He was helping women who needed help.
Howard said they were saying that this guy didn't want to be intimidated and he kept doing his job even after being shot. Howard said the guy believed in what he was doing. Howard said the guy had to drive to work in an armored car every day and had to live in a gated community with extra security.
Howard read about this guy Tiller and how he had gotten into the abortion thing trying to help women who had major problems with their pregnancies. Howard said the guy wanted to help and it's ridiculous that people who want to die can't even die in peace. Howard said Artie's dad wanted to die and he wasn't even able to die in peace.
Howard said there are now only two doctors who will do these abortions. He said there are actually a ton of other guys doing it illegally in secret. He said he knows of some who do but he won't say how he knows.
Howard said that he can't believe Bill O'Reilly was on there calling this guy ''Tiller the Killer.'' Artie said he saw his name popped up on a billboard during a baseball game and everyone in the stadium booed him when they saw it.
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Howard read the ratings and said that Steve Harvey is number one now and he can't imagine how that can be. Howard said if he went back to terrestrial radio, which he can't imagine doing, he thinks that he'd shoot right back up to number one. Howard said he thinks it would take him 15 minutes to get to number one again. Artie said people would start listening as soon as they heard he was hired. That's how long it would take.
Howard said he got an offer from Steve Kingston to work for his station right around the time he was hired at WNBC. Howard said he could have gone there and done that but he couldn't get out of his contract.
Howard read about the top 10 morning shows and saw that there was nothing to listen to. Howard said Imus is up to number 8 now. Howard said that must be the people who are too cheap to buy satellite radio. Howard said WPLJ is below Imus now. Artie said WPLJ used to be huge. Howard said if they had hired him there the guy who wanted him to work nights would still be working there and he'd be having his ass kissed. Howard said the guy told him that he was thinking of him for PLJ and wanted to see how he did in Washington when he moved there. Howard told the guy to hire him but the guy wanted to give him nights. Howard said he wanted the morning slot and wanted to replace Jim Kerr. Howard said the guy told him he wasn't going to let him talk either. He said he's glad he doesn't know where that guy is at now.
Howard said that a box of jars could get a 2.7 share. He said that's what he was thinking when he was reading these ratings reports. Howard said it's unbelievable that these shitheads are running radio. He said they get paid tons of money and they run the stations into the ground. Howard said he'd like to be paid as well as those people.
Howard said he couldn't believe that when he left CBS that they wanted to sue him. Howard said he signed with SIRIUS and they told him that he could talk about it. Then they keep him there right until the end and then sue him for staying and mentioning SIRIUS. Artie said they had to say ''Eh he eh'' instead of ''SIRIUS.'' Howard said it's all a bunch of garbage.
Artie said it was so great getting to work for Howard's show and being number 1. He said that he remembers reading the paper and seeing that Howard was number 1 and it was great. He had never been on a number 1 show before. He figured it would have dropped to number 8 or something.
Howard said he wanted to hear about Gary's vacation because it apparently didn't go so well. Howard had Gary come in to talk about that.
Fred played a song parody for Gary and said that he wishes that he had an additional 10 minutes to sleep. He said if he gets another job he wants to work like an hour a day instead of 4-5. Gary said they could get a job like that if he really wanted to. Gary said he loved the days when they were on from 3 to 6:54. Those were the best hours ever.
Howard said he'd like to show up and just sit there for and hour and leave. Artie said there was a guy, Bob Sheppard, who used to do pre-recorded announcements for Derek Jeter and Jeter alone. Howard said that's what he'd like to do.
Howard said that Oprah Winfrey is very successful and he's nothing compared to her. Howard said Benjy is less than nothing if there is such a thing. He said he's like a sub atomic particle compared to him. Howard then made and attempt to talk to Benjy about the chicks he picks up off of the internet but Benjy asked if they could talk about it in another way. Howard said he was sorry he got involved.
Howard asked Benjy what he did over vacation. Benjy said he had four chicks he met and got together with. He said there were two who were extremely hot. Artie said it was time to get out the bullshit boots. Benjy said they really were hot.
Howard said he was curious about this but Benjy just tells stories so bad that he can't take it. Howard asked him to just tell the stories like Artie would tell a story. He said that he just can't get it out.
Artie said that Benjy has a name that he's now allowed to say because he'll freak out. Gary said he doesn't think that's real. Howard said he wanted to stay focused on this story instead.
Howard asked Benjy about going on this web site and finding girls who are looking to have sex. Benjy said that he puts out the word out saying that he's looking to have sex. He said it's something creative when he does them. He said he's pretty good with words. Howard asked what he will say when he does that. Fred was doing an impression of Benjy and what he might say but Benjy refused to say what he writes.
Howard said he just wants to know what he says. Benjy wouldn't say. He said he dresses up the stuff that he writes.
Howard asked Benjy how long it takes to catch a fish. Benjy said it can happen within a couple of hours. Benjy said he puts that stuff out and he can go out and do stuff and wait for the women to come to him.
Benjy said he got a picture from one woman who sent a picture to him. Robin asked if Benjy sends a picture. Howard said that can't be the case. Benjy said he sends a picture of Howard. He was kidding.
Howard tried to drag more out of Benjy but he wasn't coming out and just telling him so Howard was going to give up. Benjy said he had to keep it a secret because women might find out. Howard said they're not going to find out and he had to bail out of the conversation.
Howard said he's sorry he wasted everyone's time with that story. Artie said he figures he just banged one big, fat, ugly chick and that was it. Howard told Benjy he has to tell a story and not drag it out like this. Howard said he's asking for a story but he won't give it so he has to get out of it. Howard apologized again for that whole conversation tanking. He said Benjy is radio death on wheels. He had to go to break after that.
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Howard came back and said some record company guy sent him a gift and it was a giant metal box that said it was the entire Steven Tyler collection. Howard said he's a fan of Aerosmith and figured it was something cool. He said he opened this thing up and it started to play Dream On for about a minute. Inside the box were some CDs of Steven's music and a harmonica. He said it was a plastic box and it looked metal.
Howard said he was going to give it to his niece because he can't listen to all of that stuff. He said his niece loves music so he was going to ship it off to her. Then his dog walks into the room and starts sniffing it. He said that set the music off again and he heard ''Dream On'' start again. He figured there was an off switch somewhere but he wasn't able to find it. Howard said he called Beth into the room and asked her to help. Howard said it kept going off and he was going berserk trying to figure it out.
Howard said this was like terrorism. He said it was stalking him and not shutting off. Howard said now he wants to take Steven Tyler and throw him out the window. Howard said he eventually found the disc that was playing the music and it must have been a motion sensor or something. Howard said the speaker was crappy so it didn't even sound good. It was like one of those greeting cards you get that has the recorded thing in it. Howard and Artie did their impressions of what that sounds like.
Howard said he unplugged the speaker thing and tried to make it stop. He said it just kept going on and on and on. He wasn't able to turn it off no matter what he did. Howard said he wanted to take a hammer and smash it. He told Beth to get him one. Beth had to tell him to calm down because the dog freaks out when he freaks out.
Howard said this was like terrorism to him and he had to stop it. Beth took the thing and she was going to throw it down the garbage chute. She did that and you hear it going down the chute singing the song. He did an impression of that and had Artie cracking up.
Howard said he's not sure if they did that to annoy people or what. Howard said they might be trying to turn people off to Steven Tyler by doing this. He said that's what it did to him.
Howard said the guy wasn't a killer and he's not sure what people are up to out there. Howard said the guy was doing things by the letter of the law and now he's dead. Howard said he had to go to work in an armored car. That's just not right.
Howard spent a short time talking to Emily about Dr. Tiller and how sad it was that he was killed. Howard asked her about going to see the guy and how it took her 2 days to drive out to see the guy. Howard thanked her for the call and let her go a short time later.
Howard said Susan went on and killed on that show. Then on the finale of the show it was Susan Boyle and one other person in the finals. She ended up losing to a dance troop. Howard read an article about it and she had to check into a hospital from emotional exhaustion.
Howard said this woman is only 48 but looks even older than he does. Howard said Susan now hates that show. Howard said it's understandable because she was such a hit on the internet. Howard said she might be cuckoo though. Howard read that she was helped out of a hotel lobby because she had cracked and went nuts. Howard said she was brought to a clinic to be treated but her management were saying they couldn't confirm that.
Robin said that she had a make over and she still looked heinous. Howard read that she was walking down the halls yelling about hating the show. Howard said that's how he leaves the show every day so he can't goof on her. Howard read that she was trying to dress up and that's like dressing up the Elephant Man.
Howard said the one remaining survivor of the Titanic disaster just died. She was 97 years old. She was an infant on the ship at the time and her father saved her and died himself. Robin said there were only 700 survivors out of the thousands on the ship.
Lisa said they went out for an early dinner around 6pm. She said nothing is going on and there is no love connection. She said that it was a nice date though.
Howard asked what went wrong and if it was her or him. Howard said something must have gone wrong. Lisa said there just wasn't a love connection. Howard asked if he asked to see her again that day. She said he didn't. She said there was some talk of going to an art gallery or something but nothing confirmed.
Lisa said she was very open to whatever was going to happen. Howard said it sounds like he closed the door on her. Lisa said it wasn't like that though.
Howard said it sounds like Lisa was open to another date and the guy wasn't. Lisa said she was open to that third date but he may be looking for something else that she's not willing to give. Howard asked what it was about him that she didn't like. Lisa said she can't even explain it, it's just a ''something'' that wasn't there.
Lisa got to her news preview and said that Artie's book (Too Fat to Fish) is coming out in paperback tomorrow and he'll be going out on tour for book signings and stuff. Artie said he's going to be doing a signing in Union Square tomorrow night and in Philly on Thursday.
Lisa also said that there's a group from Coney Island who wants Robin to be in a parade. Howard said Robin will probably have to be wired up to an enema or something. Howard said Robin would never do anything like that. Robin told Lisa to tell them to call her agent about that. Howard said he'll speak for him and say that will never happen.
Lisa said that Dennis Hof has called off the deal for the virgin to lose her virginity to an Australian man. She's still going to try and offer up her virginity. Lisa also said that this day in 1994 is the day Howard came up with the ''King of all Media'' name for himself.
Howard got to Gary's story from vacation. Howard said he feels really bad for Gary because he heard from him over vacation about this thing. They played him in with a Baba Booey song parody or two.
Gary said this is the part of the show where everyone stares at him while the songs are playing. Artie had to turn his head and look at the wall. Artie asked him if he would go back and change that day if he could when he said Baba Booey. Gary said he doesn't mind the Baba Booey thing so much. Artie said he'd like to go back and stop his father from meeting his mother.
Howard said he loves that Gary called his favorite cartoon character by the wrong name. Gary said they found out that he has called him ''Baba Booey'' since then. Howard told him to find him a clip of him doing that and prove it. Gary said he called him ''Baba Boy.'' So he was still wrong.
Howard got back to the story about Gary and said that he got this call from him over vacation and it really bummed him out. He said he really cares about Gary. He went for this procedure to get the kidney stone out. He said they blasted it with ultrasound and you're supposed to be able to piss it out. They told him that they might have to take it out with a camera up his cock if that didn't work. Robin winced when she heard that and she doesn't even have a cock.
Howard said they didn't get all of the stone out with the second ultrasound so they have to go up into Gary's cock with the camera. Gary will be out tomorrow and he has to get the procedure done.
Gary said he went into the doctor's office on the Friday before their week off. Gary said he had a feeling that something was wrong because he didn't piss anything out. Gary said that they told him the stone has a crack in it but it's not coming out. Gary said he wanted to do it last week but the equipment isn't available until tomorrow.
Howard and Artie said that sounds weird and asked if the guy is legit. Gary said the guy is very good. Gary said it was the first day of vacation and he was bummed out the whole time. He said they're going to knock him out to do the camera thing tomorrow. He said the camera might break up the stone. He said that might happen, but it might not.
Gary said they may be able to blast the stone with a laser. If that doesn't work then they may have to do surgery and go in through his side. He said they might have to do that to go in with the camera again on another date if that's what happens.
Howard asked why they can't just go in through the side and take it out. Robin said it's better not to do that. She said it's always better not to have to break the skin. She said they're trying to go in through a natural opening. Gary said there's nothing natural about that.
Gary said they may have to put a stent in there to get it out. Gary said that's what he left out. Howard asked why he got all of the details. Gary said it's because he's going in for surgery. Howard said when he got his nose job he didn't ask for all of the details. Robin said she didn't either when she got her breasts reduced.
Gary said the stint will help things get out of there and that's why they may have to put that in. Gary said he asked how they take that out. Gary said they have to go back in and take it out. He asked if they put him under for that. Gary said he wouldn't be put under and it would just be ''uncomfortable'' coming out. Gary said they may leave a string attached to it so they can pull it out.
Gary said his surgery is at 10 tomorrow. Robin said he will wake up uncomfortable after the surgery. Howard asked Robin if she thinks that Gary's diet caused this stone. She said of course it did. She said that if he was on her diet then it would never have happened.
Robin said she thinks that even if a family has a history of having kidney stones they think that it's genetic but that's not what she believes.
Artie said that they're going to give Gary Demerol and that's the great thing. Gary said he has some Oxycontin that's just waiting for him to use it. He said he hasn't tried it though. Gary said he's going to throw those away if he doesn't use them. He said he doesn't want to get addicted to them. Gary said Artie asked him why he would do such a thing.
Howard asked Robin about this surgery and what she thinks about that. Robin said that Western medicine is only good in circumstances like this. She said that it's not always a good thing.
Artie warned Gary that he's not going to be out of the woods even after the stone is out. He told Gary the first time he pees it's going to hurt. Howard told him not to tell him that. Artie said he just wanted him to know what to expect.
A caller told Howard he's seen some catheters and what happens when they pull them out. They can have puss on them and shit like that. Howard thanked him for that and took another call. The next guy said his uncle had this done and they had to put a filter in his leg because he had blood clots. Then they had to go in and drain the bladder. Gary said that's what they told him about doing, draining the bladder.
Howard took a call from a woman who was telling everyone she loves them. Howard told her she was slowing down the show and let her start over. She said she's seen this procedure done and it's not as bad as they're making it out to be. She also corrected them on the word ''stent'' since they were calling it a ''stint.''
The woman said she's seen this done on people and the camera doesn't look that big and Gary will be asleep anyway. She said it may be painful when he has to go to the bathroom though. Gary said she knows nothing then. Artie said he had a catheter in him for about 15 hours and he was on every drug in the planet and it hurt. He said there's nothing quick about it.
Howard asked Gary about the game and found out how it works. Gary said that they let you get to a final song and you can stop before locking in your lyrics. Gary said they had a chick on the show who played for the million bucks and lost it in the last round. Gary said she was doing the show for a charity and all of the kids from the charity were sitting in the front row when she lost the half million.
Howard said he can't remember any lyrics and he admires Gary's ability to do that. Howard said if you get to half a million dollars, just stop and count your blessings. Howard said people have no respect for money. He said they really don't. Artie said he's one of those guys who doesn't respect money. That's why he gambles.
Howard said Gary was telling him about how people will come up to him and say they've seen him on TV but he's not sure if it's about the awful Mets pitch or the ''Don't Forget the Lyrics'' thing. Gary said he had two guys tell him that yesterday and each of them were talking about different things.
Howard said he saw Edie Falco throw a pitch at a Mets game and she threw a strike from what he heard. Howard said he had some audio of Gary singing on this ''Don't Forget the Lyrics'' show. Gary said it's not good singing. Howard said it doesn't matter because he just has to know the lyrics.
Howard played some of Gary's singing. It was really bad. Gary said he had all of the lyrics in front of him until the final 3 words that he had to know. Gary said that was one of the early ones and it was ''Rockin Robin.'' Gary said there were some songs that he really didn't know all that well. Gary said he does get to know the lyrics pretty quick though. Howard said he's never been able to do that.
Howard played some more of Gary singing ''Rock and Roll Hoochie Koo.'' Gary belted out that tune and gave the wrong lyrics but he was able to change them before ''locking it in.'' Artie said he would have gotten that one wrong.
Howard said the next one was ''Mississippi Queen'' so he wondered if they did that because Leslie West was always on the show. Howard said he loves that song but even he wouldn't be able to get it. Gary told him he could have done it because the lyrics were really easy.
Howard said Jon Hein and Mark McGrath were his helpers on the show. Gary said he asked Mark to come out and help him once. He said they shot it out in L.A. last year. Gary said Mark was crazy knowledgeable about stuff like that. Howard said he couldn't even remember the lyrics to ''Tortured Man'' and he wrote the lyrics himself.
Howard played Gary singing ''Dizzy'' and not knowing the lyrics they were looking for. Gary said that he got some help with that one from host Wayne Brady. Robin said she thinks she might know the lyrics to that song. She had Howard play it over again so she could try and guess what they were. She didn't know them either. She claimed she got it right but JD came in and gave the right lyrics and she was wrong.
Howard played another song that Gary sang. Gary got that one right. Wayne Brady sang along with him a little bit on that one. Gary said that Wayne turned out to be a pretty nice guy when he met him. Howard asked if it threw him off when he jumped in. Gary said it really didn't. Gary said he thought that it was going to be tough but the show just started and they didn't dick around out there.
Howard played Gary singing Stevie Wonder's ''Sir Duke'' and said he wouldn't know any of the lyrics in that song. He knows the song but can't remember the lyrics at all. Gary knows the lyrics, he just can't sing. Howard played Gary singing the song and getting the lyrics right. Howard said he was shocked that Gary did so well.
Howard played Gary's final song where he had gotten up to $200,000. He ends up calling Mark McGrath to come out and help him. Gary said they made him sing so much more of that song than they played. He said he didn't have a fuckin' clue at that point. He said Jon told him to call Mark out if he thought he could help. Gary said Mark came out and helped and they got it right. He later found out that Jon knew the lyrics and Mark had no idea himself. He said Jon had told him right before he had gone out. Gary and Mark had to sing that song, ''Ventura Highway,'' together.
Gary said they got it right and he moved on to the next song which was a Genesis song. Gary said he had no clue what the lyrics were for that song. He said he was down in Baltimore for a baseball game when the show was airing and he got a call from someone about it. Howard cut him off and asked what he was doing down there and asked if he drove all the way down there. Gary said Baltimore is a weird town. He said the harbor is really nice but as soon as you leave you're in a bad area.
Gary said the sirens down in Baltimore were going 24/7. He said the cops there told him that they should take a cab anywhere they went and there were 8 of them. Howard said he didn't know it was so bad down there. Robin said it really is. She said that you're okay walking around the school but if you have to walk anywhere else you need escorts. Gary said they're very nice down there though.
Gary said there were proms going on down there so they were watching some of the girls getting out of the limos and checking out the wild outfits. He said it was more like Halloween than a prom.
Howard asked if the girls were heavyset. Gary said some of them were. Gary said the city was pretty ''heavy'' overall. Gary said there was a girl at a bar who must have been 5'1'' and 250 pounds who got on the bar to dance. He said that the bar looked like it was going to collapse.
Howard played more of Gary singing the Genesis song and said he was thinking about that fat chick dancing on the bar and how the bartender should have said ''Uh, not you, someone else.'' Gary said she had a really short skirt on too. Howard said he misses the days when fat people would hide.
Gary didn't know the lyrics in the Genesis song and just stopped. He laughed and just said a few ''blah, blah, blahs'' instead. Gary said he stopped there and walked away with the $200,000.
Gary said Mark McGrath was cool for helping him out there too. Fred found the lyrics and gave them to the guys since someone at home may have been playing along. That led to the guys talking about some of the other songs that people screw up. Howard tried singing the National Anthem and got most of the lyrics without too much help.
Artie said he and his father used to play whiffle ball in their back yard when he was a kid. He said he and a friend were about to play ball and his father just came home from work so he asked him to sing the National Anthem for them to start the game. He started to sing it but he didn't remember the lyrics so he started to sing another song instead.
Howard said he had a bunch of stuff to get to today. He had to take a break first though.
Howard said Andy Richter is going to be back with Conan O'Brien when he starts The Tonight Show. He had Andy on the phone to talk about that. Howard asked Andy if Jay is a shithead like they think he is. Andy said he didn't know him well enough to say. He said that Conan can be a huge shithead though.
Howard said he told Andy to stay with Conan but he didn't listen to him. Now he's going back with Conan. Andy said he's older now and he really doesn't mind going back to the show now. He said he tried to go out and do his own thing but now it doesn't matter so much. He said there are so many things that can go wrong with a TV show but he's proud of the shows he went out and did.
Howard said Andy was working 14 hour days with Conan in the past. He said he wanted to get away from that but now he's going to be back and doing the announcing for Conan. Howard asked what happened to the guy, Joel Goddard, who was the announcer for years. Andy said he's really not sure. He said there were some people who didn't want to move to California and maybe that's what happened there.
Howard said Andy must know but maybe he doesn't want to say. Andy said he really doesn't know for sure. Andy said that giving Howard Stern information like that might not be the right thing to do. Andy said he thinks that Joel is going to try and have his own sitcom on FOX.
Howard asked Andy about his TV shows and if he ever got surprised when they didn't work out. Andy said he was surprised when they didn't work. He said he tried to make the shows the way he wanted to but there were times when he worked on other shows and had to go along with what they were doing. Andy said this Tonight Show thing is the first time he's ever felt support from a network. He said other shows have been like horse races and the network bets on the horse but then starts shooting guns at the horse in the race.
Howard said he doesn't get why Jay would leave the show at this time because he's still number one in the ratings. He said that NBC must think that they have to bring the younger guy on. He said he's heard that NBC may bring Jay back if Conan doesn't bring in the ratings. Andy said that he's really not sure. He doesn't think they would do that. He said Conan was offered some other stuff and NBC may not have handled it very well. Andy said they may not have wanted to lose him and that's what they had to do to keep him around.
Andy said he really doesn't know what their motivation was but they may have assumed that Jay would want to move along.
Howard said Conan could blow it tonight if he just tries to cram too much stuff in on his first show tonight. Andy said he could shit his pants and really ruin it. Andy said they did some test shows and they went really well.
Howard asked Andy if he's going to be doing the whole Stuttering John thing by holding up a cup. Andy said he'll be holding up a Big Gulp instead of a cup. He said he will be doing the announcing thing but he won't be up on stage with Conan like he used to be. He will have a podium and he will be doing some remote stuff as well and they've been shooting it for months. He said Conan's work ethic is nuts.
Howard asked why he can't sit near Conan, is it because he left years ago? Andy said that may be it and also the fact that he's pretty handsy.
Howard asked Andy if he has a 5 year contract. Howard wanted to know what he's getting paid but Andy wasn't talking. Andy said he's not going to say. Artie said he was probably making between $500,000 and $750,000 when he left the last time and he's probably making close to a million now. Andy said he's doing more than just the announcing on the show. He said he'll be writing too.
Howard asked Andy if he was right in telling him not to leave the show. Andy said that he doesn't think he'd be making as much as he is today if he hadn't left the show so Howard wasn't right.
Howard said he would do the Tonight Show again if Conan is hosting. He said he stopped doing it because of Jay. Howard asked if he thinks that Jay's show is going to tank. Andy said he's not sure because it's a weird time to be doing his show like that.
Howard said he's rooting for Conan and Andy because they are nice guys. Howard said it's nice that they didn't hand it over to some shithead like Jay. Howard asked who the first guest is going to be because they always make a big deal out of that but it really doesn't matter. Andy said that it's Will Ferrall. Howard said that's a good first guest. Their musical guest is Pearl Jam so that's a big deal too.
Howard said that Letterman must feel weird about this whole thing. He said Letterman must think that he has to beat Conan in the ratings because a guy shouldn't just come in and take over all of the ratings from the last guy.
Andy talked about how his TV show ''Andy Richter Controls the Universe'' is out on DVD now and it has four shows that never aired. Artie asked if he was actually on the show or is this just his way to get plugs for that DVD. Andy told Artie to shut his mouth. He and Artie were joking around about that stuff.
Howard asked Andy if he thought it was ridiculous that Stuttering John had the job as an announcer on the show. Andy said his wife had asked him if Conan was going to keep Stuttering John there when he was offered the job.
Howard said he thinks that Stuttering John didn't have to do anything other than his announcing on the Tonight Show when he was on. Andy asked if he was doing writing on the show. Howard said ''What do you think?'' No one seemed to think he was doing anything else on that show.
Howard said it has to be weird for them doing this show because they're still going to have to compete with Jay and Dave for guests. They still have Jay on before them and he'll be trying to get guests too.
Howard said Andy's family must be happy about this. Andy said that they really are. He said this whole podium thing should work out because he realized he might have the best job in show business. He said he wasn't sure what it was going to be like at first but now he's happy he's doing it.
Howard asked Andy what time he has to go in today. Andy said he'll be in around 10 after doing some cartoon voice stuff this morning.
Howard asked Andy if he has any rituals he'll be doing every day. Andy said he just kind of stands there and says ''Way to go fatso!'' and that's about it.
Howard asked Andy if he and Conan have remained friends over the years, even though he left the show. Andy said they have remained friends. He said that Conan called him to offer him the job and they missed each other a few times. He said he had a feeling he was going to offer him a job though and he wasn't even sure why. Artie said that he could have needed some yard work done.
Howard said Conan's Tonight Show starts tonight at 11:30pm on NBC. Howard wished him luck with the new show and let him go.
Howard asked John and Sean about this show they're doing and who is going to be the main host and all of that. John said from what he understands is that it will be contingent upon Steve Langford who is the host. He said Steve will be the moderator of the debate. Howard said he likes that.
Sean said that he'd like to change the show and stop it from just being rhetoric like it is usually. John said that the show is a serious political show and he sprinkles in some sexual humor at the end of it. Sean said he doesn't like that stuff.
Howard asked Sean about his odd stutter and what that's all about. He said that he was told it was a stutter but it's almost like he sings the words to get them out.
Howard said he thinks this will be a good show tonight. He asked John and Sean what they think about immigration. John started to talk about it and Sean would interrupt him and goof on him. John got into one of his rants where he wouldn't stop talking even when Howard would try to talk to him.
Sean said he heard that they're going to have a button to shut John off tonight because he doesn't stop talking. Howard said he does get on a filibuster and he won't stop sometimes. John said that's because he knows a lot of stuff. He started in on some more of those rants as soon as they brought that up.
John and Sean had some words for each other the last time they were on but today they weren't really going off on each other. That was until Sean started to talk about FOX News. John said that they're not fair and balanced like they claim they are. The two of them went back and forth on that. John was yelling out his comments and going off on Bill O'Reilly and some of the other people on FOX News. Sean asked John what man cuts their hair like that. John said he has rock and roll hair and he likes it. John bragged that he looks like a heroin addict even though he's never taken a drug and doesn't even drink.
John said that he likes real rock and roll and not this heavy metal stuff that's out. Sean said he's sung in rock bands before believe it or not. Artie said he wants to see that.
Howard told John and Sean that they're terrific together. John told Sean he's dumb and doesn't know anything. Sean told him he knows how to get there on time. John said he missed his train because the ticket window was closed. John said that's not a barometer of someone's intelligence. Howard said that is a bit of a barometer because Beetlejuice can't get on a train on time.
John told Robin he wanted to sniff and lick her beautiful vagina and butthole. He changed his tune in the middle of his arguments with Sean.
Howard said he thinks that Sean likes John's show and he's trying to help him out with it by giving his thoughts on how he could make it better. John said he doesn't care what he has to say about the show. He said he does the show the way he wants to just like Howard does it the way he wants to.
Artie asked Sean if he'll be wearing the ''Power of the Poonanny'' shirt he was wearing this morning. He said he will be and he got that from the Jay Thomas show. Howard asked if he's married. Sean said he is and he doesn't have a problem getting women.
John was saying that he's a loner and he doesn't care about being with women. He said he feels his place in life is to pay for sex and be a loser. He said he knows he's a loser and that's fine with him.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked the guys to talk about North Korea. Howard said he can't imagine they disagree on that subject. Sean said he's terrified by the leader of North Korea. John said he's not terrified. He said there are a lot of rogue nations in this world and they can't bomb them all. He said they're already in two unjustified wars. He said that Kim Jong Il isn't going to bomb us because he knows we'll bomb the shit out of his country if he does.
Sean said getting into a war with that guy would make a mess of the whole world. John wasn't listening to what Sean was saying. He just went off on his own thoughts instead.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they should call Sean ''High Register Sean.'' Howard kind of liked that. Sean said that he's known on line as Sha-Sha-Shauny.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that John is a douche bag and he should be kicked off his own show and Sean should take it over. John told him to go off and die.
Howard gave the guys some plugs for their show that's airing tonight at 7pm on Howard 101. The show is ''Point, Counter Pointless.''
John and Sean continued to go off on one another for a couple of minutes. Howard said their show might just work tonight. Sean said he hopes to be able to keep people from driving off the road tonight.
John said he has a great title for Artie's next book. He said it could be ''I Love To stick my finger in cunts and rub...'' Howard cut him off and said that's where John goes wrong. He said that stuff is just gross and he should stay away from that kind of humor.
Artie told Howard this is his greatest idea since Jay Walking. He told him this should be really great. Howard wrapped up with the guys, gave them some more plugs and then went to break.
Howard said that Bob Levy was trying to say ''Apocalyptic'' on Miserable Men recently. He played the audio of that and Bob was having major problems trying to say the word. Howard said they told Bob to spell the word and he was able to do it but then he blurted out the word as ''Apopa-what?'' and then ''Apopaliptis.'' Shuli tried to tell him what it was and Bob tried to pronounce it again and said ''Alopapictic.'' Artie said that show is great and he's close to landing a guest spot on it. It airs Sunday nights on Howard 101 from 7pm to 11pm.
Howard said this Jay Leno thing is such bullshit. He said Jay was actually reading off a teleprompter. He said he's going to have to put it off until tomorrow morning though. He said the morning got away from him.
Howard said he had to thank the special tapes unit there for their work on the specials last week. They had Jimmy Kimmel, Jerry O'Connell and Jeff Probst hosting the specials. He thanked them all for their work. Howard said the fans loved the specials too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jimmy Kimmel's picks were great last week but Jerry and Jeff's picks weren't all that great. The guy said that he doesn't even like Jimmy that much but his special was good. Howard thanked him for that and moved on.
Artie said he just did that to goof on the guy. Artie said he did about 52 minutes of material calling Steve gay. He said the crowd seemed to enjoy it so he kept it going the whole night. Artie said the fans loved that stuff.
Howard asked if Janks is going to get off of the charges because of this benefit. Artie said he heard that the 10 grand is going to cover it but Steve is saying that it might be more than that.
Artie said that some of the club owners are saying that if they get to meet him they might let Janks off. He said he's doing a show at the Beacon Theater in November and he may have them there to waive their claims. Steve said there's one club owner who wants Janks in jail and doesn't want his money back.
Steve said they have a story about Martin Bashir's report about Howard that aired on the BBC network. He had pointed out how good Howard was on 9/11 when he was on air talking about what was going on. Howard said he heard that the guys on Dateline, which Bashir is still working for, are doing really well in the ratings.
Howard said he knew that it was someone from the Arab universe who were behind the 9/11 thing. He said that they don't know that at the airports because they still have Beth strip down to just about nothing every time she flies.
Howard said he thinks that Osama bin Laden is either dead or a low level guy now. Artie said he talked to a guy over in Afghanistan last year and the guy thought that Osama was still alive and probably within a mile and a half of where they were at.
Steve said that High Pitch Eric has been served with eviction papers and he could be homeless by the middle of the week.
Howard said he got some email from the fans about how the Wack Pack have been turning to criminals lately. He said that one guy was upset that they were kind of rewarding their behavior. Howard said that he has to explain himself on this one more time. He said that Captain Janks contributed to the show a lot and Artie is just trying to help the guy out to get him back on his feet. Howard said he has compassion for the guy and he would like to see him start over but if he does it again, then he may not have that compassion.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down some of the subjects they'd be trying to cover today. That led to the guys talking about Lisa G's date story. Howard said he doesn't believe Lisa's story. He said he thinks that Lisa was kind of into the guy. Robin said it seems that neither of them were all that into each other.
Artie said he thinks that Lisa has some kind of sexual hang up and she's got problems trying to be intimate with a guy. Artie said that she may have problems letting a guy into her heart. Fred said that she may have pushed him away and that's why he lost interest. He said that she was closed off to the whole situation and that's why the guy may have not been into her.
Howard said he thinks Fred hit it on the head. Fred said that she wasn't serious about it. Robin said it was like climbing a big wall with her. Artie said she's like the female John the Stutterer. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard asked Robin if she had a cold because her voice was kind of shot. Robin said she was out on a boat over vacation and she was yelling over the motor so that made heard kind of hoarse. Robin was out in Arizona and Howard said he wanted to find out more about that trip but he was going to hold off until tomorrow.
Howard said he knows that Robin is in a relationship and he wonders why she's staying quiet about it. Robin said they have that stupid news department there and she's not in a relationship so she told Howard to just drop it.
Fred played Robin in with a song parody called ''I Jerk Off to Robin Every Weekend.'' Robin started off with a story about an Air France plane that just vanished. Robin said they sent a signal saying they were having electrical problems but then it just vanished off radar. That led to the guys talking about what crashing in a plane must be like. Artie reminded Howard about the interview he did with Artemis Pyle and how he remembered the way their plane crashed and how Ronnie Van Zandt died when some equipment hit him. Artie said Artemis got shot going to a farm trying to get help.
Robin quickly read some news about Jay Leno's final show. She also talked about Mike Tyson losing his 4 year old daughter when she was found hanging from a treadmill. Robin read the details of that story and how Mike's son had found the girl hanging. They're saying that the child may have been pretending that the treadmill was running and somehow got caught up in the power cord and got hanged. They're saying it was just a tragic accident though.
Robin read a story about the Octomom, Nadya Suleman, getting a show. Howard said he likes a good freak show but she's damaging 16 kids with this nonsense. Robin said there's another show out there where they have 18 kids in a family. Howard said he thought it was 8. Robin said it's not that John and Kate show, it's another one.
Robin said this show is going to show what she has to do to raise those 14 (not 16) kids. They spent a few minutes talking about that.
Howard mentioned the Terminator movie and how distracting it was after thinking about that tirade that Christian Bale went on. He said he yells in the movie and it brings you right back to that clip of him yelling at the lighting director.
Robin read some news about the MTV Movie Awards that was on over the weekend. She said that movie ''Twilight'' won a bunch of awards and she really thought that movie was great. Howard said he'll have to watch the awards tonight and let them know what he thought.
JD told Howard that Miley Cyrus had won an award for her song over the Bruce Springsteen song in her category. Artie said her song must be much better than Bruce's song of course. He was being sarcastic.
Robin had some audio clips of Miley talking about what she does in her down time. That led to the guys goofing on her a little bit. Robin also had some of her song ''The Climb'' that Howard was playing earlier in the show. Artie said he was loading the gun while that was playing. He asked Howard to play ''The Wrestler'' instead.
Robin read some news about Chrysler being taken over by Fiat. Howard said he finds it hard to believe that these companies are going bankrupt. He said it's shocking to him that he's seeing this.
Artie said he got the NY Times yesterday and a friend asked him why he does that when he can just read it on his phone. Artie said that they might be going away too and that's shocking to him.
Robin said that Chrysler could get out of their bankruptcy based on this Fiat deal. Now GM has officially filed for bankruptcy as of today. Robin said that they're going to shed the Pontiac, Saturn and Hummer brands. Robin said that they are gas guzzlers but they are nice cars. Howard said they are kind of cool.
Robin read some news about the abortion doctor who was gunned down. Robin said there is a doctor who is going to cover for Dr. Tiller for at least a week.
Robin read some news about Billy Bob Thornton's daughter getting into some trouble for the death of a baby that was in her custody. They found that the baby's death was a homicide so she's been charged in that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he read about the death of Mike Tyson's daughter and he thinks that it was the cord that unplugs from the treadmill to shut it off if you get off and she was strangled by that when it didn't unplug itself. The caller asked if Gary is going to get a vasectomy when he gets his surgery. Gary said he will not.
Robin read a story about the ban on same sex marriages in California and how a judge upheld the ban but anyone who was married before the ban is still married. Howard said that's kind of bullshit too. He said if it's not legal than why was it legal at some point. Howard said that would be like signing a law saying that slavery had to be brought back.
Robin read that the TV show ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here'' is starting up again tonight. Robin said Stuttering John was on that show the last time it aired. One of the celebrities on the show is Tori Wilson but she had no idea who that was. Artie asked where Golddust is at.
Robin read some of the names of the other celebrities on the show and they included Steven Baldwin, Lou Diamond Phillips, Sanjaya and a bunch of other barely known people. Robin had some audio clips of some of the stars talking about what they had to go through.
Robin read some news about Phil Spector and his conviction in his murder case. She had some audio of his wife talking about the case.
Robin read about song writer Dan Fogelberg who died of prostate cancer in 2007 and how they're creating a memorial for him in Peoria, Illinois.
Robin read about Barbra Streissand writing a book about architecture and the building of her latest home.
Robin had some news about the movie ''Up'' that went to number 1 this weekend. Robin said that was the 10th number one box office movie for Pixar. Robin mentioned some other movies and said that she saw ''Drag me to Hell'' and it was great. Howard said he has a story about Richard going to see that movie but he'll be saving that until tomorrow. they ended the show a short time later, right around 10:35am.
Gary said he's very lucky that he's not in any pain right now. He said most people go through a lot of pain. If he had, he would have had the surgery done already. Jon said he thinks the pain is coming based on what he described.
Jon said that Gary won't be there tomorrow and that's major for him. Gary said he anted to do it on a Friday but his doctor doesn't work on Friday's. He said that he has to do it tomorrow.
Jon asked Gary if he would obsess about this or his pitch more. Gary said it was the pitch by triple. Gary said the word uncomfortable is thrown around with this whole thing and he's thinking that it might be pretty bad.
Artie came in and told Gary he doesn't know how to explain to him the pain he's going to go through. Artie said he's a survivor and he knows that he will see his kids again but he's going to get the best Demerol and it's so great. Artie said he shouldn't insult the doctor before he goes under because that drug will make you become very honest.
Artie said that he was pissing blood after he had the catheter shoved in his cock. Gary said Artie was busy vomiting charcoal that day too so you have to factor that in. Gary wondered if your kidney fails then do they take it out or just leave it in there? Artie told him to just not go and he'd be fine.
Artie said he would go just to get the Demerol. Gary asked Artie if he has ever faked anything to get drugs. Artie laughed and said he has faked everything. He reminded him about his coughing when he'd call in. Gary talked about Adam Rich falling down the stairs to get drugs for pain. Artie said he thought about doing that himself. He never did it but he thought about it.
Artie asked Gary if he has thrown out the Oxycontin's yet. Gary said he hadn't. Artie said he'd talk to him later about that.
Jon played some audio of Howard asking Robin about Gary's diet causing the kidney stone. Robin said Gary absolutely wouldn't have had it if he had been on her diet.
Gary said that really annoyed him when Robin said that Western Medicine was causing problems. Gary said that's crazy. Artie said if Gary was on that diet he'd probably be in jail for murder. Gary said Tim Sabean is way thinner than he was before they went on vacation. Artie said he thinks that Tim is way too thin and he needs to put on about 10 pounds.
Artie said he's down to about 245 pounds. Artie said that scale they have in the studio is way off. He said he weighed in at 297 one week and the next he was 282 the next week. Gary said the scale isn't off by that much. Artie said Gary is just being a good producer defending their ''stupid weigh machine.''
Artie said he was between 200 and 215 when he shot his movie and he's happy around there. He said it's hard to jog now at 245.
Gary and Artie were joking about some stuff they figured no one was getting. That led to Gary talking about Artie making a reference to the ''Hazel'' TV show earlier this morning during the Susan Boyle discussion. Gary said there were probably some people who didn't get that reference either.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he hopes Robin gets a kidney stone based on what she said earlier. The guy also said that he thinks that Gary will be able to hold out for hours after he gets this procedure done on his penis tomorrow.
Another caller said his father just had an operation on his spleen and they're just making his spleen disintegrate in his body without doing surgery to take it out.
The caller had some titles for Artie's book. He gave them out to him and ran out at three. Gary said he's been getting a lot of suggestions and they're really not very clever. He said that they really have to be clever. Artie said he likes Jeff the Drunk's ''Getting a load off my chest'' and that would work except for putting it in Wal-Mart and places like that. He also likes some Don Rickles quotes from ''Dirty Work'' so he might use something like that.
Tim said he feels good doing the detox thing. This is his fourth one and they all last 21 days. Gary asked Tim what he does after the 21 day detox and eats something. Tim said the food tastes better and it's more enhanced. Tim said that he picked up some raw peas after the last one and they were great. Tim said he doesn't miss the steaks or anything.
Jon took a call from a guy who told Gary that he went through the same thing that Gary is going through and knows what that's going to be like. the guy told Gary to have Mary buy him some Kotex because he's going to bleed a lot. He said that's what happened to him and he ruined a bunch of pairs of underwear.
Jon asked Gary about his ''Don't Forget the Lyrics'' thing. Gary said Howard was much nicer to him than he thought he was going to be. He said he had a good time doing that show. Gary said he was very nervous doing that show because the audience wasn't their crowd.
Artie said he knows what the feeling is like because he's done shows where the crowd doesn't know him. The guys also talked about Mark McGrath being on with Gary and how Jon had told him to have him out helping him instead of him because he was a bigger star. Artie wondered if Gary and Mark knew that before Jon told them. Jon said that wasn't exactly what he said.
Another caller told Gary how he should pour warm weather over his penis after he has the operation because it will feel better. Gary said his doctor actually told him that. The guy said he's had four of those operations so far. The guy said that it's a tube in your cock no matter when it was done. He had his last one 20 years ago.
Artie said he loves that Gary gets to take a day off. Gary said he doesn't like having days off unlike him. Artie said he didn't enjoy those days off that he took.
Gary said that he's wondering if he should let Steve Langford cover his surgery. Artie told him to just do something in private and leave Steve out of it.
Gary talked about the baseball game he went to over vacation and talked about some of the food he had down there.
Wheels called in and suggested ''Too Fat To Wipe'' for his book. Artie kind of liked that. Wheels was also saying that the stent that Gary is going to be getting is going to be awful. Gary said Wheels told him about the stent he has in his sphincter (for his bladder) because he's paralyzed. Wheels told Gary that it's really tiny and it won't be that big of a deal. He told him not to worry about the bleeding shit.
Benjy asked Wheels if he knows when he's got to go to the bathroom. Wheels said he has about a 10 second warning for when he's going to piss so he just uses a urinal thing when he has to go.
Wheels told Gary he's worrying about this too much. He said it will be uncomfortable but it won't be bad for that long. Artie said that Wheels doesn't have any feeling so that's why he doesn't think there's any pain.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that her husband is going through the same thing that Gary is going through. She told the guys about the stuff he's had to go through.
Jon asked Gary how Mary is handling this. Gary said she's fine. He said she can't feel his pain but she's been very supportive. Artie was cracking everyone up by writing down shitty Met names. Artie said he had to get going so Jon went to break a short time later.
Gary said Benjy was able to move the story ahead in the past but today he just wasn't able to do it. Benjy said he'd like to do what they do on the Bubba show when they put someone on a harmonizer. Benjy said he thinks it would be easier for him because it wouldn't be his voice.
Gary said they weren't getting answers from him now so they were going to move along. Jon took a call from a guy who said that the Baltimore stories this morning were interesting. The guy also asked about who is going to be in charge tomorrow. Gary said it's pretty much Jason and Will. The guy wished Gary well on his surgery tomorrow.
Benjy was wondering what he had done wrong that they didn't want to talk to him. Jon said it was the harmonizer discussion that did it. Gary said they're not going to do that harmonizer thing with him, that's what they're saying. Gary said Benjy has to give something to the show before they'll give something back to him.
Gary said Lisa should become more realistic about how things happen. He said she should be more rational about it. Gary said love at first sight only happens in the movies.
Benjy said he didn't think that Lisa was that excited about this guy in the first place. He thinks that she was just giving it a shot. He wondered if they had ever found out how long her longest relationship was. Benjy said it would be interesting to interview some of her past guys.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks Lisa is waiting for Artie. Gary said she might be a little fascinated with Artie but he doesn't think that she's waiting for him.
Another caller asked Gary about his ''Don't Forget The Lyrics'' appearance. He was also asking Gary if he was going to be taking off Wednesday and Thursday with his surgery. Gary said he thinks he'll be back on Wednesday and Howard has no problem with that. The caller told Gary that he should just take off two days. Gary said he likes being there.
The guys asked Gary about the possibility of a hanging string out of his penis. Gary said he's not sure how that's going to work. Jon said he can't imagine how that's going to be.
Another caller told Gary he has passed 52 kidney stones in his life and he's had stents and strings and all of that. He told him he wants the string hanging out because the first time he had one, they had to go in with a scope with a grabber on it to pull it out. The caller said it was horrible. The one with the string wasn't so bad. The guy said he had the option to pull it out himself and he just couldn't do it, but it was much easier coming out than the other one.
The guy told Gary that when he pees his kidney is going to feel like it's caving in. The guy said it's not pain, it's discomfort. Gary asked him to define discomfort if it's not pain. The guy said it's almost like someone is standing on your back and pushing the urine out of your kidney. The guy said that stent is going to make him feel like he has to piss all the time and it's just not going to happen.
Gary said Conan did a test show one time and he was in the audience. Gary said they asked him to come to the back and he asked him to leave because he was trying not to do the test shows in front of someone like him. Gary said he understood and he was going to talk about the show that day if he had stuck around. Gary said he was so nice about it that it was no problem for him to leave. He totally understood where he was coming from.
Jon and Gary talked about moving Jay Leno to 10 o'clock and how that might work. Gary said he thinks that they're going to look to Jay for a good lead in. Jay has the potential to have a bigger audience because of the time he'll be on.
Jon brought up the way Andy was joking around about following Stuttering John as the announcer of the Tonight Show. Gary said that he doesn't even know the names of any other announcers other than John and Andy. He said you never really know them. He said Stuttering John being the announcer hasn't really tainted that seat.
Jon went to the phones again and one caller said he saw Jon Hein on the ''Don't Forget The Lyrics'' show and how awful it was seeing him sweating there. He said he and his buddies were laughing at Jon the whole show. Jon said it was tough being there under the nights and not knowing what to do with themselves.
Gary said he wasn't allowed to look at his back up guys during the show so he didn't get to see them until the show was on. He said it was kind of fun watching that.
Gary said he didn't know that he and Mark were going to have to sing together. Jon said the guy wouldn't have wanted to hear him singing with Gary.
Gary said they shot that show in the last week of August of 2008. Jon said they did something nice on that show when they gave him the seats from Mets stadium and the Mets shirt.
Benjy said he didn't know he had shot that show so long ago. He was going to write him a note saying it looked like he had lost weight.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks that NBC is keeping Jay around as a back up for Conan just in case he doesn't do well. Gary said he thinks that could be a possibility. He said that would justify the cost of keeping the guy around.
Gary said he thinks that Conan will do very well as the host of the Tonight Show. He said he's got a good attitude about it and he thinks that people are going to like him. Jon said that it could change primetime if Jay does well in that 10 o'clock time slot too.
Jon asked if he thinks that John and Sean are going to do just one show. Gary said he thinks that John wants it to be just one but he's not sure. Benjy said that if they fight and stuff then it should be a good show.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Gary will do fine tomorrow with his surgery. He said that John the Stutterer is being forced to share his show with Sean and he feels bad for him. Gary said that Howard once had Stuttering John fooled into thinking that Stuttering Vic was going to replace him and John didn't handle it very well. He said it was great for the show but Howard was rubbing it in with John the whole time.
Another caller said when John turned down the offer to have the stuttering implant inserted into his ear, it really pissed him off. Gary said he's not sure what's up with John and what his problems are exactly.
Jim McClure said that John has high blood pressure and there are some days that he worries about him passing out. He said he has mental issues and also some health issues that he has to deal with.
Another caller said that he gave up on watching those shows like Gary was on. Gary said that they could have inserted some of those shots of Jon and Mark from any point during the shoot. Gary also said that he thought that Wayne was a nice guy and a good host for that show. Gary said he went in thinking the guy was a tool but he turned out to be a good guy.
Gary ended up winning $200,000 for Lifebeat. Gary said he's also got some stuff up for auction up at CharityBuzz.com right now. He said the first thing is the chance to sit in the studio and the chance to get to meet Howard and sit in on the Wrap Up Show. Gary said he has put up his ball and jersey from the pitch he did at the Mets game. Gary said he's also willing to write anything on the ball that the winner wants as long as it's not something about ''I'm a douche bag'' or something like that.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Gary if he wanted to pitch another game for a minor league team. Gary said he's just trying to lay low right now. He said he was so scared after that pitch that he almost forgot how to throw a ball. Gary said it was freaking him out so much that he couldn't pitch. Benjy said he's had that since third grade.
Another caller asked Benjy about something he said about a month ago about writing jokes for Howard. The caller wondered what the process is for doing that. Benjy said that they're hand written and they're jokes that he writes live as the show is happening. The caller said he didn't know that he was doing that and thought that maybe he wrote stuff before the show. Benjy said it's a lot of fun doing what he does and if it was all scripted it wouldn't be that much fun.
Jon took one last call from a guy who brought up Gary's kidney stone and said he had a scope broken off in his kidney so he had to have it surgically removed. He wished Gary luck with his surgery. Jon said that was a hell of a way to end the show. They had to end it a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about the weather forecast for today. He said it was supposed to be 84 degrees. Robin said she saw it was only in the 70s. Artie said he saw 84 on the Weather Channel. Howard checked the paper and it was still showing 84. Robin told him things change though.
Howard said he was listening to John the stutterer last night with High Register Sean (which is what they're calling him now) on their show last night. Steve Langford was the moderator last night. Howard said it was kind of an inane debate.
Howard said he got annoyed because after the show aired he got a memo from Tim Sabean who said John the Stutterer stormed out and said he would never work with Sean again. Howard said John is kind of a prima Donna.
Howard said no one gave the tape to his guys to pull audio from. Howard said he wants to pull his fucking hair out over that. Howard said JD didn't know about it so he wasn't able to pull any clips. Howard said the guys have to talk to one another there. Howard said he's too lax and doesn't fire anyone there. He said he really has to start busting balls.
Howard said he actually has some audio clips now. He said he would play some of Point Counter Pointless. He had the opening of the show where Steve asked the guys for their opening statements. John started off talking about how he would rather work alone. He said he hopes that this format never happens again. He said he was going to do everything in his power to make Sean look like a fool.
High Register Sean welcomed people to his show and said he wants to make the show more enjoyable to the fans out there and not just stick to John's format and twisted views. He also said that John is pro-murder, pro-rape and many other things that he claims that he's not.
Howard said the guys did get into an argument. He had some audio of that. John was going off on some senator and Sean got in and started arguing with him. John was actually arguing with Sean but not on mic. Howard said it got ugly there at the end. He said there is footage of John storming out of the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that John is a psychopath and he should throw him off and give Sean his show. Howard said he doesn't think Sean's new name rolls off the tongue. Artie said he might want to call him ''The Funniest Guy Ever.'' Howard kind of liked that name.
Artie said John is good on this show but Sean could actually go out and do comedy with that voice he has. He said John could never do that.
Another caller said he thinks that Sean wasn't all that great on the show last night and it kind of shut John down on the show so he wasn't himself. He also said they should call him Multi Pitch Sean.
Howard took another call from a guy who talked about how this is throwing John off. Howard said he told John to debate this guy Sean and it had nothing to do with his own show. John freaked out thinking it was going to be his new show format. John isn't open to any of this stuff though.
The caller also liked ''Sha, Sha, Shaun'' as his name. that's what Sean had said he calls himself yesterday. Artie liked that name.
Another caller said he liked the show last night. He thought they were a couple of gold mines. Howard said he has to sit down with Tim Sabean and talk to him about the show. Fred suggested they do 20 minutes with John, 20 minutes with Sean and then 10 minutes of them together on the show. Howard said he hasn't put that much thought into it yet.
Howard said this review was pretty big and she said it wasn't a very pretty or funny opening to the show. She said it was painfully unfunny at times. Howard read through the article and Linda talks about some of the stuff Conan was doing through the show and she didn't think it was worth the wait.
Howard read about Will Ferrall's appearance and how painful that was. Linda talked about how bad that interview was. She said that Pearl Jam was great when they finished up the night.
Howard said first shows aren't always the best. He said the hosts always over prepare. He said he would make the first show a party and have people stopping by to wish him the best. Howard said they should have had Conan doing interviews and not shtick. Howard said he doesn't even believe the review because he didn't see the show for himself. Howard said people get way too serious about the reviews of these first shows too.
Ralph called in and said he watched the show and loved it. He said the opening bit was funny and so was the tram bit he did. Ralph said he saw some of Will Ferrall and that was good too. Then he had to go to bed so he missed the rest of it. Howard said Ralph had to go to bed early last night because he has to come in this morning for a Playboy evaluation.
Howard said Gilbert Gottfried is going to be in today too and Jackie the Joke Man is going to be calling in. Artie said this might be the best show ever.
Artie told Howard that Conan has been one of his best supporters but he thought his show was very funny last night. He's not sure where Linda comes off talking about who is funny. Howard said she just wrote her opinion about the show. Artie said he didn't ask for her opinion though. Howard said that's her job though.
Artie said Howard went off on Jann Wenner about the stuff they've written about Yoko Ono in Rolling Stone. Howard explained that to Artie and said that they make her seem like some amazing musical performer and she's really not. Artie said Howard was mad that day and he was going off on them for other stuff that day and he's doing the same with this Linda Stasi chick.
Fred talked about how bad the last Leno show was and how boring that was. Howard said that just because Linda Stasi wrote an article doesn't mean that she's right. He said it was just her opinion. Fred said that she was saying that the Tonight Show was Leno's legacy and it really wasn't.
Artie said that this Linda Stasi kisses the ass of people like Leno and he's not sure why that is. Howard said he was just giving her opinion in the paper. Howard said he just wanted to move on from this. He's not looking to argue. Artie said he wanted to argue Howard's side of this though. Howard just wanted to move on.
Howard took a call from John Boy who said that one tradition they didn't stop with was ripping off the Stern Show. John Boy said that they opened the show with Cheap Trick's ''Surrender.'' Howard told John Boy he might be a little bit high this morning and that's not ripping off the show.
Robin talked about how great Jay Weinberg is playing with Bruce Springsteen since his father is working with Conan.
John Boy said that he doesn't like the fake laugh that Andy Richter has been using on the Tonight Show. He said he thinks that they're going to have him cut back on that. Howard said they'll change things, it was just the first show.
John Boy said another interesting thing was the way Leno did his monologue and how he did it at the same time Letterman would. Howard said he had to get out of this conversation. John said that you can go back and forth with Conan and Dave and he thinks that it's going to hurt them if they do that. Howard let John go after that. He said the conversation went on far longer than he wanted it to.
Howard said a first show isn't indicative of what the show is going to be like over the long run. Howard said you have to do it every night, day in and day out. He said they'll find a groove.
Howard said he thinks Letterman will be suicidal if he doesn't beat Conan though. He thinks that Dave is going to end up winning over Conan even though he does like Conan.
Howard said this will be bittersweet to Dave if he wins. He said he wanted to beat Jay Leno and wasn't able to do that. Howard said Johnny Carson wanted Dave to take over for him but they went with Leno at NBC. Howard said Dave had to prove himself and he wasn't able to beat Leno. He said that's going to stick with Dave the rest of his life.
Howard said he talked to Scott the Engineer about this procedure because he had it done too. He said Scott came out of it just fine and he didn't have all that much discomfort. Howard said it could turn out to be nothing.
Howard said he feels awful for Gary for having to go through with this stuff. He talked about how Gary just came off of doing this ''Don't Forget The Lyrics'' show. He said that even his father was telling him that Gary did very well on that show. Howard said his father doesn't seem to miss a trick on TV. He saw Gary's pitch and also saw Gary's singing.
Howard said his father never tells him anything, he always asks a question. He said he asked him about the price of the NY Times. Howard said it's almost like he wants to prove that he knows something that he doesn't know. Robin said that might be his awkward way of having a conversation.
Howard said they raised the price of the paper to $2. Howard said his father was complaining about that and how thin the paper has gotten. Howard said it's weird how thin it is these days.
Howard said his dad was also talking about Gary on ''Don't Forget the Lyrics'' and how well he did on there. Howard said his dad talked about how good the guy who sang with Gary was. Howard told him that Jon Hein had given Mark McGrath the answer to that song when he walked out on stage. Howard said his father told him that Jon Hein wasn't even there. Howard said he should have asked his father if he knew that Jon Hein had given Mark the answer. He should do the same thing with his father that his father does with him.
Howard said he should ask his father questions that his father doesn't know the answers to. He said he could ask him what Carmen Electra's nipples look like. He said he only knows from what he's seen in Playboy magazine.
Howard said Jay was saying that he got the show at number 1 and he was leaving it at number 1 and that was like a big fuck you to Conan. He said it was basically like saying that if they don't stay number 1 it's Conan's fault.
Howard said Jay shouldn't be reading a final statement like that. He also pointed out that Jay didn't do any shows on 9/11 like he was implying in the final speech. Howard said Jay didn't want to do any shows around that time.
Howard played more of the speech and Jay thanked people for enjoying the bits they've done like ''Jay Walking.'' That led to Howard saying that he thought that maybe he'd give him a plug for ripping that bit off. Howard said he would have appreciated a thank-you for that bit since they lifted it right off his show.
Howard said they were just making the point that the bit had been done already. Howard said Sacha Baron Cohen is very original and maybe he didn't think that bit through enough.
Howard played another news report about the MTV thing and how it seemed to be an homage to Howard Stern. Another report basically said the same thing. They kept comparing the bit to what Howard Stern did. Howard wondered why they won't point out that Leno lifted a bit from him but they'll point this MTV thing out. Robin said they seem to think that Leno is powerful in some way.
Another news report talked about the similar bit that Howard had done years ago. They even said that ''Bruno'' was wearing the Fartman costume.
Howard said he made a big deal out of that whole thing back then and no one knew he was going to do it. He said the guys in Metallica didn't know he was going to do it and it really did cause some problems. Howard said he was standing right next to Lars and kept farting. He said the band got really pissed and it was compelling TV. Howard said he kept his ass covered up back stage so no one would see what he was going to do.
Howard played some more news reports where they talked about the Bruno stunt and how they thought it could have been set up. Then they mentioned Howard Stern again and said that this wasn't funny this time. They talked about how terrible it was. Artie said they're all talking about it though.
The caller said he knows that Howard is from New York but Letterman's show isn't better than Leno's show. He said you can't watch Letterman night in and night out. He said he likes Leno better than Letterman so is he dumb? Artie seemed to think he was. Howard said he's not dumb. Howard said Jay Leno is good at what he does and he has entertained people for a long time. Howard said he gets irate about Jay stealing the bit but he doesn't even blame him. He blames that head writer. Howard said Jay may not even know that he stole the bit.
Howard said he doesn't watch Leno or Letterman because he's not up at that time. Howard said he has more fun on Letterman's show than he did with Jay. The caller said that might be because he's local. Howard said that's not really it. He said he knew Jay before he got the Tonight Show and he used to do the show a lot.
Howard and the caller went back and forth on that for a couple of minutes. Howard told the caller that most of these guys rely on guests and that just doesn't work. Howard said he could make a great show without the celebrity guests. Howard said he has guests on who are willing to answer questions. Those guys don't ask anything interesting when they have guests on who have interesting things going on in their lives. Howard said no one has any balls. He said that's why he can't do a late night show like that. He needs to have people on who will answer questions.
Howard said he was offered Joan Rivers' job on FOX and he had to turn it down because he didn't think he could do that nonsense that these guys do every night.
Howard said he'll ask Jackie why he doesn't want to do the roasts and even Jackie won't have an answer for why he won't. Artie said he thinks he has a theory on that too.
The guys got Jackie on the phone and asked him why he won't be roasted on the show. Jackie said he just didn't want to do it. Howard asked him why. Jackie said he really didn't know why. Jackie said he walks in and gets his balls busted on a regular basis and he wasn't up for it. Howard said he would do it for the Friar's Club though, right? Jackie said they're not going to ask him to do it but he would probably say yes.
Jackie said he doesn't need to get his balls busted there for an hour. Howard asked him why he would do the Friar's Club then. Jackie said he's not sure he would. He said they're never going to ask him to do it.
Howard said he's not putting Jackie down for this. Jackie asked him when they're going to roast Howard. Howard said they are going to do him. He said he was actually trying to talk the guys out of doing a roast for Jackie because he's not relevant to the show at this point.
Howard said he told Gary that he had no reason to be mad at Jackie. Gary was upset with him though. Howard said he has no problem having Jackie on the show to promote stuff. Jackie said he thought about the roast for a whole weekend and didn't make the decision right away like Robin thinks he did.
Howard said Jackie doesn't want to do the roast and that's fine. Jackie said he will do it the week after Howard's roast. Howard said they don't do them that close together but he will get one.
Jackie said he wouldn't be comfortable being roasted there and he'd start crying if they did that to him. Artie told him that he'd just have 40 comics who he fucked over on the road going off on him. Artie said that when someone is roasted the other people in the room get roasted and Jackie took some of that when he was in there for another roast one time. Artie said he thinks that Jackie may have gotten scared back then.
Artie said he got roasted and it was rough but he thinks that the fans would love to hear Jackie's rebuttal. He thinks it would be great.
Howard said he thinks Jackie would be roasted anywhere else but there. Robin agreed. She said that he would jump at a Friar's club roast. Howard said he would be there the day before they were going to do it. Artie said Jackie would get more appearances just appearing there.
Howard said the roast isn't happening and he explained that to Gary. He said Gary was upset with him about it but he told him not to be.
Howard said Jackie has another invention to reveal today. It's the Jackie Button iPhone app. It can be downloaded at iTunes now. Howard told Jackie to explain. Jackie said they just got it released last night and it's only 99 cents. He said that it's 68 jokes and 68 noises that he makes and it will be upgraded weekly. He said they will eventually make them dirty jokes when Apple updates their service so they can have adult stuff.
Howard said Jackie thinks he's going to make millions on this and he might be right this time. Howard said he should be able to retire on this. Jackie said he's already retired. Jackie said you can get links over at Jokeland.com.
Robin asked Jackie what the best use of this app is. Jackie said that if you were laying there with a tube up your ass getting shit flushed out then you can play with it. Howard said that's a good way to use it. He said it could cheer you up while you have that tube in your ass.
Howard said Jackie has his radio show on tonight too. Tonight it's just the Jackie and Ian show and next week they get back to the Joke Hunt shows.
Jackie said that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are living out by him right now. He hasn't seen them out there yet but people are telling him that their lives are changed when they see them.
Howard asked Jackie how much this iPhone app is. Jackie said that they charge 99 cents and he gets 70 percent of that and Apple gets 30 percent. Jackie said he has a friend who just sold his millionth app on the iPhone. He said that's the Pocket God. Artie said that app is a good one though. He asked Jackie how you get people to buy this app instead of a stick of gum. Jackie said that they will buy it.
Howard asked Jackie about performing at a diner recently. Jackie said it was in a lounge at a diner. Howard asked if things are really that bad. Artie said he's done the same thing so he knows about that. Jackie said Howard can help by plugging this app of his.
Howard told Jackie that Robin wants to come out to his house and see Brad and Angelina. Jackie said he launched his jetty last week so maybe they'll come out there. He said they're literally 2 minutes away from where he lives.
Howard said you can download Jackie's iPhone thing at iTunes.com. He let Jackie go and talked about how hard to understand he is. Howard said Jackie is always that way about things and he's not sure why he wouldn't do the roast thing. He said he just won't come in and do it. Robin said he just immediately says no without thinking about it. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back from break and said he was just thinking about how great Joey Ramone was as a singer. Fred said that wasn't The Ramones. It was actually The Ramonas. Howard said he might be a fan of theirs too. Howard said Joey really was the best. He was great on the show too. He died at the age of 50.
Ham Hands Bill was sitting in and started talking even though he hadn't been introduced yet. He had some information about The Ramonas that he was trying to share.
Howard said they got two letters in the mail from a couple of women who want to be in Playboy. Howard said they're going to have three judges give the girls their opinions.
Howard said they had Ham Hands Bill in. Bill said he loves girls and checks out porn once in a while. He said that he checks out Playboy once in a while but usually reads more graphic stuff. He said he is in a wheelchair but he has feeling in his penis. Bill said that he has partial use of his limbs. Howard asked how he ended up in the chair. Bill said he got a head injury and the left side of his brain was affected.
The guys were all laughing at Bill when he was talking about his penis. They were thinking about Gary getting his penis worked on today. Bill said he had a catheter in his a lot and he was able to feel it even though the doctors thought he couldn't. Bill said they didn't have to do that and he had to ask to use a urinal.
Bill said he got his first erection after being paralyzed when he had a catheter in. The guys all yelled when they heard that.
The guys asked Bill what kind of porn he likes to look at. Bill said he likes the ''barely legal'' type of stuff. He got pretty graphic talking about that stuff and had the guys laughing. He said he likes the Bukkake stuff too. He said he likes to see when a guy explodes on a woman's face and things like that. He said he doesn't like to see that stuff go to waste though so he likes it when the women take it in their mouths.
Bill said that people think he's not a sensitive guy. He said he dated a chick a couple of years ago and she was a virgin. He said they did all kinds of stuff and he gave the guys all of the details of that. He said she eventually gave him her behind.
Howard said some people may have trouble following what he just said. He said Bill claims he's sensitive and he had a virgin that he didn't do anything with for four years but she eventually gave him her ass. Bill said they did some oral sex stuff. He said he liked having her laying on his thighs and stuff. Lou Bellera was there so he asked Howard to make this stop because he had just had breakfast.
Bill said that he and this girl were together for a few years before she wanted to go out and do her own thing. Bill said that when women get to the age of 30 or so they look for a man who could be the father of her baby. Bill said she asked for his blood type and when he told her, she found out that their blood didn't mix so he couldn't be the father of her baby. Ralph said he had never heard that excuse before. Artie said his blood type was P.R. (Puerto Rican) and that's why she bailed. Howard said he was going to call Bill ''Mr. Sensitive'' from now on.
Howard played a song parody with Lou Bellera's voice in it. Lou is Amy Fisher's husband and he has been in to help out with this stuff before. Howard said Lou was in Amy's porn and he directs her on what to do in that. Howard asked Lou what he's up to with that stuff now. Lou said she has her own web site now at AmyFisher.com. Artie asked Lou why his wife is famous. Lou said he might have to throw Artie a beat down.
Howard asked Lou if he thinks his wife would do porno with another guy. He said if the money was right she might but he wouldn't want that himself. Lou said they want to have a good life for themselves and their children so she'd have to make that decision on her own. Lou said it would be painful to see his wife doing that. Artie asked if it would hurt as much as being shot in the head. Lou asked if he wanted him to shoot him in the head with his fist.
Howard said Ralph was also there. Ralph has done these Playboy evaluations before and he has been to the Playboy Mansion too so he has seen Playmates in person. Ralph said he has had some of the girls in bed too. Ralph said he's just as sensitive as Ham Hands Bill when it comes to that stuff.
Howard said the first girl they have up is Aisha. She was wearing a bikini when she came in. Howard asked her how she was doing and said the girls are up on HowardStern.com. Aisha is only 5'1'' tall. Howard said her boobs look real to him too. She said they are. Aisha said she was actually in some special editions like All Naturals and also a Coed of the Week online but she wants to be in the main magazine.
Howard said Aisha has a very European look to her but she claims to be African American. She explained how she came up with that. Howard asked her what her parents think of this whole thing. She said that they're pretty conservative Muslims so they don't like it. She said that she left the house when she was 17 though. She said that they had shoved her and beaten her about stuff at times so she had to get out. Aisha said that she had been verbally abused too. Aisha said they didn't abuse her when she was young, they waited until she was older.
Howard asked Aisha if she would be getting naked. She said she wouldn't and got some boos from the guys. She said she would get topless though because she does have some amazing boobs. She said she's just 21 years old. Artie let out some ''holy shit'' comments when he saw her. He said that she's the hottest chick they've ever had up there.
Aisha said that she has DD breasts and they're real. She said that she's married too and her husband has been away for a few months serving in the military. She said he should be back in August.
Howard asked Ham Hands Bill if he thinks that she's hot enough to be in Playboy. Bill asked her if she was completely shaven. She said she is. She thinks it's gross to have hair down there. Bill also asked her if she could turn around and try to touch her toes to see how flexible she was. She did that for them. Artie said Bill is good at this.
Howard said he knows people at Playboy and he will send her pictures to them if the guys think she's good enough. Bill said she has nice breasts and asked to see where she was shaved. She gave him a peek but not a full view. Bill said that she isn't a centerfold type but she could be a girl of the month or something. Bill said her legs might be too skinny. She said she's trying to get them bigger. Bill said he was going to give her a yes on that.
Lou was up next and said her tits were kind of drooping a little too much. He said she has chicken legs too. He said he likes a nice ass but she doesn't have a nice curve. He said she's too thin. He gave her a ''no.''
Ralph said she has a great face but he also thinks that she has implants. He said she has a line on her boob and it looked like an implant to him. Howard said he believes they're real. Ralph said her legs are a little spindly but she was wearing flip-flops and that was wrong. He said she should have had heels.
Artie said he never would have seen those flip flips if it wasn't for Ralph. Ralph told her that her legs looked better already when she took them off. Ralph said she needs a little work but she could be in Playboy. Ralph gave her a yes.
Howard said he thinks she should be in the magazine too. He said even with the one no from Lou they should send her pictures into them.
Howard asked Aisha why she was wearing a solid color bathing suit. She said that's what Will told her to wear. Will said that's what the Howard TV guys told him. Howard said the girls should be allowed to wear anything they want, not just solid colors. Howard thanked Aisha for coming in and said that they're going to recommend her to Playboy.
Artie said that Lou doesn't have good taste, look at who he married. Howard was going to let Aisha go but they were still talking about her. Artie was also throwing out more jokes about Lou and his wife.
Next up was Stacey. Howard asked her how old she is. She said that she's 27. Artie said he was going to guess 48. Howard said that she had a solid color bathing suit on too. Howard said he has to know why they would suggest something like that.
Stacey said she lives in Las Vegas and she has sent an email to Playboy before. She said she didn't get a response. Artie asked for the gay guy in the room to tell him what kind of shoes she was wearing. Ralph told him. what she had on.
Howard asked Stacey what she does for a living. She's a dancer at The Rhino in Vegas. She said she gets offers from guys to have sex with them all the time. She said one guy offered her $10,000. Artie offered her $30,000. She said if the price is right then she might do it.
Howard asked Stacey where she modeled. She said she did some in the Baltimore area. She was modeling clothing, bathing suits and whatever was available. She said she stopped when she had a daughter 2 years ago. The guys said she looked good for having a baby 2 years ago.
Howard asked Stacey about getting it on with women. She said she last did that about 3 months ago. She said she met her at the Hard Rock at a party called Rehab. She said she met her by the pool. Howard asked how that happens. She said that she brought her back to her place and she got into the hot tub so they ended up getting naked. Howard asked who was watching the 2 year old. She said she had a babysitter.
Stacey said the other girl had a boyfriend with her and they were getting it on so that led to her getting involved and getting into it with the girl. She said she got into the hot tub and figured they'd stay there instead of going out to the club. Stacey said the girl took her bathing suit off and she got sexual favors from her. She said she didn't have an orgasm though.
Howard asked if the guy got it on with her too. She said her own boyfriend did. She said the guys watched while the girls got it on.
Howard went to Ham Hands Bill first and he asked her if she would pull down her bottom a little bit more. She said that it couldn't go much further down. Bill said the photos matter. She pulled it down a little more. Howard asked Bill if she could be in Playboy. Bill asked how tall she was. She's 5'9'' tall. Bill was asking her about scars and stuff and she didn't have anything. Bill said he just wanted to know for the pictures.
Bill had Stacey turn around and bend over. He said she was very flexible. Howard asked for an answer. Bill said yes.
Howard asked Lou about this girl. Lou said that she's attractive but he doesn't think she should be in Playboy. He thinks she's too tall, too lanky, her legs are too thin and it doesn't do it for him. He didn't like her ass for Playboy either.
Ralph said she's definitely a 10 in a strip club. Ralph said she has that arch in her back that's super hot. He said he has to agree with Lou on the lanky and skinny. He said they like more voluptuous girls in Playboy. He said she might need a nose job too. He said she's really pretty though. Ralph said that she is super hot but not Playboy hot. Artie thinks that they're high or something.
Bill said that if her bottoms came off then maybe that would change Lou's mind. Lou said he really doesn't think that would help.
Howard told Jason to send some pictures over to Playboy for both of the girls. Artie was still goofing on Amy Fisher and Lou was getting fed up with it. Artie said that he was just doing his job. Lou told him to get past that already. Artie said he should stop because they all love Lou's wife. Artie said he just thinks about Mary Jo having to talk like Sammy Davis Jr. the rest of her life.
Howard asked the guys to stop and got back to the girls. Ralph asked Stacey to touch her toes again. She said she would only if he changed his vote to yes. Ralph changed it immediately.
Howard said the girls didn't get 100 percent from the judges but he will send in their photos for them to check out. Howard said they have been successful with this once (actually twice). Howard asked the girls if they had anything to plug. Aisha said she will be coed of the week coming up soon and she needs some votes to be the Coed of the Month.
Stacey said that she is known as Bambi at the Rhino out in Vegas for those who want to come out and see her. Howard wrapped up and thanked everyone for coming in. He asked Bill if he had any plugs. Bill said he has HamHandsBill.com. Lou got in a plug for AmyFisher.com. Ralph said that Beth is going to be on Mike and Juliet today. Howard forgot to mention that. It's her final appearance on that show since it's been canceled.
Howard took a call from a guy who warned Lou about Artie throwing stuff at weaker men. Artie said that this guy isn't weaker than him. Artie was still throwing out jokes about Amy shooting Mary Jo but kept telling Lou he was just joking. They went back and forth on that a little more and Artie threw out that Mary Jo is still hurt after this 19 years. Lou kept saying that Amy Fisher did that shooting 19 years ago and Artie said that it might be past but Mary Jo is still feeling it.
Artie was goofing on Lou and Lou was trying to fight back but Artie was yelling over him. Howard had to cut them off because he wanted to go to break. Artie tried to make up with Lou and told him they should be friends. That wasn't going to happen. Lou asked Artie to just be respectful. Artie said he gets it, it's his wife he's talking about. Artie talked about the great 3 second interview Amy did there (before she walked out). Artie said he was going to sit down and shut up now. Howard asked the guys to quiet down so he could wrap up. He said he thinks the evaluation was very good.
Robin said the girls were very pretty and she thinks that either of them could have been in the magazine. She said that they were both great and better than the girls on ''The Girls Next Door.'' Lou didn't like the thin legs. Howard said he likes that. He said they could hide that in the magazine.
Artie thought that Lou was just being nice to his wife by saying he wasn't attracted to these girls. Lou said that wasn't the case at all. Lou said he thinks he has good taste. Artie asked him if that's the case then why is he wearing that shirt. Lou said he wasn't there to be evaluated. Howard wrapped up and went to break as Artie was saying he didn't want to get his ass kicked by Lou.
Howard came back and said they were going to get to the second half of the show now. He said he had Gilbert Gottfried coming in later on. He also wanted to take some phone calls. Tomorrow they have Brooke Hogan coming in. Howard said she did an interview recently where she bashed her mom. He said he likes that she's back to being very honest about stuff. He said that she's taking sides in the divorce and that's the American thing to do.
Howard said he saw some of the MTV awards last night. He said he's really not into it that much. Howard also talked about the movie ''Twilight'' and how it seems that only hot people were turned into Vampires in that movie.
Howard said that the hot chick in that movie, Kristen Stewart, was accepting an award on the show and it looked like she was very troubled and pained. He said she wasn't even able to look at the teleprompter and it was kind of funny.
Howard asked JD if he had any MTV award clips for him. JD said he did. He told Howard where they were at. Howard played the clip of this Kristen Stewart doing the announcing during her time on stage. Howard said she was all in pain as she was on camera and it was weird.
Howard said there was one guy on the show that was wearing his hair in his face and he's a good looking dude but the hairdo is awful. Robin said that was Zac Efron. Howard said he's not sure what that is and it must be hard to get through life with hair in your eyes.
Howard said there's a nude picture of Katy Perry out there and he thinks she looks great. He said she has to be a D-cup at least and she looks really hot. He showed Robin and Artie the picture. Will told Howard that's not actually her. It's just a look alike. Artie said he's changing his mind then, he likes that chick and not Katy Perry.
Robin wondered why they had to do the award for Ben Stiller they did on that show. Howard said the whole show is a goof and Ben probably figured it was a good way to do a bit. He said no one takes those awards seriously.
Artie said that Howard is world famous and Eric is on the phone and in some chat room. Howard said that's something Eric will have to live with. He let him go after that.
Gary the Retard called in and said he wants to come on the show. Artie was goofing on him and calling him a retard over and over. Gary told him to shut up. Howard said he will talk about having Gary on the show when they have their meeting today.
Howard asked Gary what he wants to do on the show. Gary said he wants to see Miss Howard Stern. She wants to be on the show and so does he. Howard said he'll look into that and let him know. He said it sounds like a fascinating interview to him.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked what they're going to do if something happens to Gary (Dell'Abate) today. Howard said he hasn't thought about that. Artie said they could get that chimp who ripped the woman's face off to replace him. Artie said he's actually worried about Gary and thinking about him now.
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Howard asked Gilbert if he ever did drugs in the past. Gilbert said he did ''smoke grass'' in the past. He said he didn't do it that much. He'd just take hits off of other people's stuff. Howard asked him what happens to him when he smokes. Gilbert said he would get incredibly happy and then get incredibly depressed and scared. It brought out the worst in him.
Howard asked Gilbert what he would think about when he was depressed. Gilbert said he would think about his career and stuff like that.
Howard said Gilbert has been on the Tonight Show a lot lately. Artie said he's also in his 24th year of performing at Caroline's.
Howard asked Gilbert when he first got laid. He had dropped out of high school and he wasn't getting chicks back then. Gilbert said he left school when he was 14 or 15. He said he was bad at everything in school. He said his parents tried to get him to go back but he didn't do it. He said he would actually go and hang out at the library after he quit school. He said he wasn't like Brando in the Wild Ones when he quit school.
Howard said he was amazed by this. He said he wouldn't have had the balls to just not show up to school. He said that's very brave to stand up to all of these adults like that. Artie said Gilbert is just like James Dean... he's gay.
Howard asked Gilbert if he had pressure on him when he was going through that. Gilbert said it was pressure for him. Howard said he heard that he was raped with sticks by the other boys in school. He asked if that was true. Gilbert said it wasn't but he was getting hard thinking about it.
Howard said Gilbert walked to the library and hung out there instead of going to school. Howard asked if he asked any girls out. Gilbert said he could never even think about that. Artie said ''neither could I.''
Howard said Gilbert had a second child since they saw him last. Gilbert said that was true. He has a girl and a boy now. Gilbert said he still refers to them as ''it.'' He said the new one is a boy.
Artie asked Gilbert if David Brenner was the father. That got Gilbert to do his impression of Brenner that was cracking Artie up.
Howard asked Gilbert about having two kids and if it's fun for him. Gilbert said he's not sure yet. He said they have about the same IQ as he does. Howard asked if he likes the same activities. Gilbert said they all love to shit their pants.
Howard asked Gilbert what the boy's name is. Gilbert said it's Max. Howard said that's very Jewy. Gilbert said ''Schloimi'' was very hard to spell.
Howard said that Gilbert is known for being cheap and he was afraid he was going to do the circumcision himself. Gilbert said he heard about guys who would bite off the foreskin. Howard said that guy gave kids herpes from what he heard.
Howard asked Gilbert why he would cut off that skin if it's supposed to be there. Gilbert said that he just wanted him to have a normal looking penis like he does. Howard asked if his son has the same problem he does with the small penis. Gilbert just laughed. Howard asked if he checked the kid's girth. Gilbert said when you look at a baby penis it always looks big because they're so small. Artie said it's good that his wife had at least one big dick in her.
Artie asked how big his daughter's penis is. Gilbert laughed. Howard asked Gilbert if he wears contraception when he has sex. Gilbert said he guesses so. He said he can't imagine having more kids than he has now so he's hoping he doesn't have more.
Howard gave Gilbert some plugs for his Caroline's appearances that he has coming up this week. Gilbert also has GilbertGottfried.com. Gilbert said he has his DVD for sale over there. Howard told Gilbert about having Jackie on the phone this morning and how he was promoting that iPhone app. Maybe that's what Gilbert should do.
Gilbert talked about the days when he would call Artie to ask for advice on how to put a DVD out. Artie talked about that and then Gilbert did his impression of Artie telling him to put jokes on it and only use the ones that work. Gilbert said they eventually started showing that on Showtime and Artie asked him for some advice on how to get that to happen for him. He just laughed at him and Artie told him to go fuck himself.
Howard asked Gilbert about going on the Tonight Show and asked if he's going to be invited on his prime time show. Gilbert said he's not sure about that. He did a little bit of his Jay Leno impression. Howard asked if he's had any personal interaction with the guy at all. Gilbert said he hasn't.
Howard said he once suggested that Gilbert take his wife to a high class restaurant and he gave him a look like that was never going to happen. He said that Gilbert never really had an intimate relationship with his wife from what he could tell.
Robin asked how old Max is. Gilbert said the kid is just a few days old. Howard asked if it was horrible seeing the baby born. Gilbert said he's not a fan of that so he waited in the waiting room. Howard asked if she asked him to come in or not. Gilbert said he was looking ill the first time so the doctor had to put a wet towel on him that day.
Howard said his wife must have wanted him in there. Gilbert said she knew from the first time that it was a bad idea.
Howard asked Gilbert if his daughter calls him ''daddy.'' Gilbert said she does. Howard asked if he plays with the kids. Gilbert said he's saving all of this stuff for ''60 Minutes.'' Howard figured that he was pretty far removed and wasn't going to be participating that much.
Howard asked Gilbert if he's going to teach his kids how to throw a ball and stuff. Artie said he hopes not, the kid will end up throwing a ball like Gary.
Howard asked Gilbert to stick around for the news. Gilbert started throwing out the N-word right away and said that they have one in the White House now. Artie wasn't helping, he was throwing it out there too. Howard said they had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and asked Fred what that was they were playing. Fred said it was Jamie Foxx and it was the number 3 song in the country. Gilbert asked if that was Jamie Farr. Howard played the rest of the top 5 and had songs from Pit Bull, Jamie Foxx, Lady Gaga, and the Black Eyed Peas.
Howard asked Gilbert if he's ever danced with his wife. Gilbert said he hasn't. Howard asked if he had any kind of wedding reception when he got married. Gilbert said it was very small. He tried not to invite too many people.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. Steve was the host of the Point Counter Pointless show last night so Howard asked him about that and who he thought won the debate. Steve said Sean was pretty good and he may have won.
Howard asked Gilbert if he's going to hand down his jokes to his son. Gilbert said he will play his DVD for him constantly. Howard asked if he will tell him the dirty jokes. Gilbert started to tell some of his jokes but didn't finish them.
Steve got to his news preview and said that they have a story about Gary Dell'Abate's surgery today and how he should be home around noon today. Howard said Gary is going through that as they speak. Howard explained to Gilbert what was going on and how they had to put a catheter with a camera on it into Gary's penis. Gilbert said he has had tubes in his penis. He said they weren't medical though. Gilbert said he was unconscious when they put it in. He said he woke up with it in and it felt very odd.
Howard said the catheter is going into Gary as they speak and they're going to get rid of that kidney stone. Howard said he can talk about Gary now. He said Gary has gotten very heavy and if he had a kidney stone like that, he would stop eating chocolate and drinking tea like Gary does. He said Gary won't give it up. Robin said Gary was eating a lot of Tums too and that's all Calcium so that didn't help.
Howard said that he would give up all of that stuff if he were Gary. He doesn't understand why he would keep eating and drinking the way he does.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in so Howard asked him about changing his diet when he got kidney stones. Ronnie said he was laid up for four weeks when he got his first kidney stones. Artie and Gilbert were goofing on the way Ronnie was looking today and making fun of the way he was dressed.
Howard asked Ronnie about the kidney stone and if it scared him. Ronnie said he was on Demoral for four weeks and he was really messed up. He said he had to stop chocolate and anything with caffeine. He said he had to stop the colas and stuff. Artie said Ronnie is like Liberace, he's got an ugly beard. Gilbert was talking about how he looked like an old character in Mission Impossible or the Twilight Zone.
Ronnie said that he had to cut out a lot of green vegetables that cause kidney stones. Robin told him they don't cause kidney stones. Howard had to give up on that conversation because Gilbert and Artie were talking over him.
Gilbert and Artie continued to goof on Ronnie even after he had left the studio. They were talking about how youthful he looked with that beard of his.
Steve said that High Pitch Eric has convinced the courts that he needs more time to get his money together to pay his rent. Captain Janks is also having problems with his court case and he's going to be trying to pay back the clubs that he ripped off.
Steve mentioned that Gary is auctioning off the ball he threw at the Mets game. Bids are only up to $650. Artie said he wants to buy the ball and make up a mannequin of Gary with a big cock in it's mouth and one of the balls is going to be the ball he pitched.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said she had a kidney stone one time and they can be very random. She said she just wanted to get her thoughts out but Gilbert and Artie were laughing over her. Artie said he would rather have a kidney stone than listen to her for 2 more seconds.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Artie is out of his mind today and he's losing his edge. Artie said he just said the N-word 8 times, he's not losing his edge.
Bobo called in and asked Howard who he wants to interview before he retires. Howard said he'd like to interview the Octomom. He wants to get inside her head. Howard said he'd also like to interview an 18 year old Max Gottfried. He said he has to find out what it was like being raised by Gilbert.
Bobo told the guys that he's retired now and he's just hanging out and working a couple of days a week now. Howard let him go and took another call. The next caller asked why he would ask that midget limo driver any medical questions. Howard said Ronnie hasn't had any problems since he changed his diet. That's what he was talking to him about. The caller thought it was the pussy Ronnie was getting.
The caller told Artie to shut the fuck up. He was laughing his ass off and the caller told him to just knock it off.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down the list of subjects he was going to be covering today on his show. They talked about the Playboy evaluations and Howard said that he talked to Doug Goodstein about the bathing suit thing and he told him that there is no rule about the kind of colors they can wear. He said Doug told him he's not sure where Gange came up with that rule.
The guys also talked about Jackie's call to the show and how crazy it is that he won't do the roast but he'll do anything else for anyone else. Howard said Jackie will refuse to do anything for him but he'll go out and make a movie that was written on a paper bag. They had to go to break before getting to Robin's news.
Howard came back and said he wanted to ask Gange where he came up with this solid color thing for the bathing suits. Gange came in and said that tight stripes make a pattern that looks odd. Howard cut him off but Gange said that there was an old rule that was in effect at the old place and it carried over. Ralph said they shoot the show in HD so it shouldn't matter.
Gange said it was an old rule that just carried over and he doesn't care about it. Gange said it wasn't his rule, it was the technical crew that asked him to do it. Gange said that he hasn't gone to Will and said anything to him lately either. He said it was an old rule.
Howard said Gange wants to be an expert and a big TV guy. Gange said that's not it. He said he was just passing along information from someone else.
Howard said they don't know about TV there and it's all a goof and a joke. He said they're a step above a guy holding a hand held camera.
Gilbert was goofing on Gange about what he said about the bikinis. Howard said one of the guys came in during the break and told him that the bikinis ''moray'' on camera. That's what Gilbert was goofing on. Howard said they're going to call Gange ''Moray'' from now on. He said he watches what Gange does and he likes to use TV terms. He said he likes to say ''That's a hard out''' and things like that.
Gange threw out some other terms like mosaic which is what they do when they blur something out. Gilbert and Artie were goofing on him and cracking each other up. Howard said maybe they should mosaic a moray'd bathing suit. Howard said he respects what Gange does. Artie told him to go to the Lincoln Tunnel and get him a ''whore-ay'' and called him such a ''bore-ay.''
Gilbert was saying that she reminds him of Jim Neighbors in that way. He was making references to old shows so Howard asked if he has watched any TV in the past 50 years.
Robin read about the Obama's date night they had in New York. Robin said that everyone in the restaurant they went to had to be searched. They had to search everyone in the show they went to see too. Howard said no one knew that he was going to be there so why would they need to search them. Robin said there are crazy people, like Dan the Song Parody Man, who carry knives with them all the time.
Howard said the show had been hijacked and he wasn't able to hear anything Robin was reading. Robin tried to read a story about Sandra Bullock doing her first nude scene at 45. She apparently worked out to get in shape for the movie though. Howard said maybe she's trying to boost the box office because she is getting older.
Howard said some people get desperate and get naked. He said Gilbert is like that. He asked Gilbert if he cares about this Sandra Bullock. Gilbert said these stars wait until after they have kids to do this stuff and he is angry about it.
Robin read a story about Elliot Spitzer and his hookers. He apparently had more than just Ashley Dupree. She read some of the details in that story and both Gilbert and Artie were talking over her and laughing their asses off. Howard said they were out of control but didn't do anything to stop them. He eventually told Gilbert that was enough. He said they were killing him.
Robin read about how restaurants are giving far too many entrees when you go out to eat and they're literally killing you.
Robin read a story about the mayor of Los Angeles dating a TV reporter and that's 2 years after his marriage was ended when he dated another reporter.
Robin read about Conan O'Brien's first Tonight Show last night. She had some audio clips of Conan thanking Jay Leno in his opening monologue. Gilbert said he thinks this will go down in history as one of the biggest bone head moves. He said he thinks NBC is realizing they made a big mistake.
Robin had some audio of Will Ferrall singing a goodbye song in his segment. Conan stopped him and told him it wasn't a goodbye show. Howard said he wonders what's going to happen there. He doesn't get why NBC would bail on a number 1 show.
Robin read about President Obama's plan to rescue General Motors. There are some people upset with the plan. Howard asked why Dick Cheney is out there speaking out all of a sudden. Robin said it's probably because the republican party is in such disarray.
Robin said Cheney spoke out about the GM thing and also about gay marriage. She had audio of him talking about those two things.
Robin read about the Air France plane that crashed the other day. She said they have said they didn't think they would find any survivors or any bodies. Gilbert said that is very scary to him. He said he'd be afraid of just disappearing like that. Artie asked ''You mean like your career?'' Robin said they have found some debris that may be from that flight. Robin said that is a scary plane story.
Robin read about an event that was held in response to the killing of abortion doctor Dr. George Tiller. Robin had some audio of some people talking about that killing.
Robin asked Howard how long you're supposed to stay out of work when you find out your wife has cancer. Gilbert said a day and a half. Robin said that Phil Mickelson's wife has cancer and he's not stopping his job right away. He worked for a week after finding out about her cancer. Howard said that's appropriate in his opinion. Robin said he's supposed to play two more events before her surgery in July. Robin wasn't sure if that was appropriate or not. That led to them comparing him to John Edwards.
Robin read about Sade putting out a new album. Howard said she only had like one hit song. Robin said she had a couple of hits. Howard said he just remembered the one. He played one of her songs and Artie said he knows it because it's a great heroin song. He said her voice is great to listen to when he's wasted on heroin. He said he has actually listened to some of that stuff.
Robin wrapped up her news a short time later and they ended the show around 10:25am.
Will said that Gary is like the ring leader there but everyone knows when to step up and fill in for him. He said things went pretty smoothly today.
Ralph, who was also sitting in, said that wasn't want Will was telling him earlier. Will said that Gary is important to the show but it ran smoothly today without him.
Jon started the guys off with the Mike Gange controversy over the solid color bikinis. Jon asked Will what was going on there. Will said that the Howard TV guys have always had that as a rule and they're a bunch of douche bags. He said he didn't just make that up out of thin air. Will said that all of the bathing suits on the rack are solid colors too so they're obviously sticking to that rule.
Ralph said that Gange had been goofed on during the break so he had already had it by the time Howard called him into the studio.
Jon moved on to talk about the Playboy evaluations and asked Ralph if he thinks that the girls really deserve to be in Playboy. Ralph said the first girl, Aisha, with some work, could be in the magazine. Jon said Lou didn't like either of them. Ralph said the second girl was stripper hot and she was too thin and lanky to be in Playboy but she was hot.
Jon played some audio of Lou talking about Aisha and how she needed her breasts lifted. The guys talked about how they thought her tits were perfect and not droopy at all. Ralph said he thought they were fake because they looked so good. He said he hates fake tits because they flop around so much and he really thought her tits looked great.
Jon said that Artie and Lou got into it a little bit and argued during the segment. Jon asked if it's possible to have Lou in there and not bring up Amy Fisher. Ralph said he thinks Artie wasn't out of line doing that. Will said he thinks that Artie didn't need to do it but it is funny when he does.
Benjy said he thought it was funny when Artie does that but he gets Lou's point about how she's moved on since then. He said that Mark Wahlberg did some stuff when he was young and they wouldn't bring that up if he came in.
Jon said that Benjy was saying that it was a long time ago and they might not need to bring that stuff up. Benjy said he gets why he wants to move beyond that stuff. Ralph said they won't move beyond that kind of thing.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that it was a joke and the only reason Lou is on is because he's married to the woman who shot Mary Jo Buttafuoco. Ralph said that's right because the reason she's famous is for shooting that woman. Will said that's secondary at this point. The reason they have Lou in is because he's creepy.
Jon brought up Ham Hands Bill and asked the guys if he was as creepy in person as he sounds on the air. Ralph said he isn't as creepy in person. He loves the guy. Ralph said he was great as a judge too. He thought he went on a little too long at points though. Will said he was great for the evaluations.
Ralph said some people thought he took it too easy on the girls but he had no reason to be brutal with them. He said they were hot. Will said he was kind of bummed that they turned out to be hotter in person than they were in pictures.
A caller said that he's never heard Howard cut off an argument before and he did that with Artie today. He asked if they think that he did that because Lou looked like he was getting upset. Ralph said it was getting kind of real and maybe Howard was trying to stop it from getting bad. Ralph said he liked the way it was going because it did get real.
The guys talked about how Ronnie had come into the studio while Lou and Artie were going back and forth. They wondered what Ronnie could actually do of Lou did something to Artie. They didn't think that he'd be able to do much at all.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what they thought about Howard telling Artie and Gilbert to calm down. Ralph said he was amazed that they kept going after that. He said tomorrow should be a really interesting show based on that.
The guys talked about how vocal Artie is lately and how he can't seem to read Howard when he's telling him to stop. The guys talked about how Gilbert and Artie were going on a bit too much today and more than they should have.
Another caller said he was hoping that Lou would grab Artie and twist his neck like a chicken. He said Artie has been evil since he got better. He said he's been really edgy and he really wanted Lou to choke the funny out of him because he wasn't being funny today.
Jon took another call from a guy who thought Artie was going on too much today. He thinks that things are going to get bad. He said Howard is the only one who can control the guy and he hijacked the show today.
Scott said Gange told Will something years ago and he just never stopped doing it. Scott said that the bikinis were just solid and it's not that big of a deal. Scott said that the Moray thing was a problem in the past with certain patterns. He said that's why they had the rule.
Will told Scott that he will do what they tell him to do and if they don't tell him to stop, he's going to keep doing it. Scott said he didn't know there were still rules going on with that stuff. Ralph said he should have passed the rules along to the rest of the staff now that they film in HD.
Scott said it sucks when you're back there doing your job and there's nothing they can do. He said he hates that.
Jon asked Ralph if Howard has rules about what he wears. Ralph said he sticks to what Scott would like. Will asked if they're okay with the girls wearing anything from now on. Scott said that's fine.
Jon asked Scott about some other issues they had with the audio from the John the Stutterer show. Jim McClure said he spoke to one of the guys last night and they were going to pull the audio out today. Scott said they had the tape ready to go this morning. He didn't know that they were supposed to give the audio to anyone to pull. Scott said Howard wants control to play stuff on his show so they set up the video part for him.
Jon said that Scott must know that Howard was going to look for it this morning. Ralph blamed the TV guys for not having it ready. Scott said they were ready to play the tape. He said they assumed Howard had the audio.
Jason came in and said that he's going to side with Scott DePace today. He said that he didn't get an e-mail and neither did Will so it's not Scott's fault. He said that the Howard TV guys didn't know about this and it wasn't their responsibility. Jason said there wasn't even that much to pull from the show. Jim said he asked the guys from Howard TV to pull a specific segment last night and that didn't happen.
Jason said that someone in the radio side should have been in the loop. Jim said he will pull the clips from now on himself. Scott said that he's not going to do that either. He said that they're going to plug into the audio somewhere and pull the audio himself.
Tim Sabean came in and said that everything is going to be CC'd to the guys. Tim said he sent it to Howard and Gary last night and he should have CC'd the other guys.
Jon asked Doug Goodstein about the stories he and Gange tell on the air. Will said that Gange said that Doug isn't in the loop. Doug said the Moray thing hasn't been an issue for years and years. He said he told Howard he'd deal with it today.
Scott said he has asked Will to not let the guests chew gum and they still go in chewing gum. Will said he and Gary have both been told that but they don't always know when they're doing it. Jon said he felt like they were in something worse than a Benjy vortex and he had to move on.
Jason said it is a get rich quick thing. He said that if you sell just 20,000 of them then you make some decent money.
Jon played some audio of Jackie and Howard talking about the roast thing earlier this morning. Will said he thinks that it's hard for Jackie to say yes to Howard on anything. He said doing the roast wasn't that big of a deal and he just doesn't want to do anything for the show anymore.
Benjy said Jackie started to point it out in the clip. He said that their roasts aren't a really big honor like they would be at the Friar's club.
Jason said that it seems that Jackie is really angry with the show and that came out today when he said he wouldn't help the show out. He said he has no desire to help the show in any way. He would do the roast on the moon but he won't do it for Howard's show.
Ralph said Jackie should help the show because they're helping him out by giving him that show he does on Tuesday nights on Howard 101. Jason said that he does have that show and Jackie is refusing to help them out with the roast so that's just not right.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Ralph has a beef with Jackie. Ralph said he loves Jackie and hangs out with him. He said this is just the one particular thing he's talking about.
Another caller said he thinks that Jackie is doing the right thing for himself. He said it could be pretty bad if he was on a roast like that. They had to take a break a short time later.
Jon brought up Gilbert coming in today and asked Ralph about that. Ralph said he loves Gilbert and likes that he annoys people. Jon said Gilbert and Artie love those 1930s references that they bring up and it just doesn't end. Jon said that things get crazy and Robin just tries to plow through and ignore what they're doing.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Ralph is on point today and doing a great job. He said he wishes that they were still doing the Friday show. He was also saying that they were right about how you can't just keep interrupting Howard when he's got a thought and trying to get it out. Ralph was that you can't do that with anyone in the studio.
Another caller said that he wanted to say the same thing about Ralph being on point today. He said he's wanted to beat Ralph to a pulp in the past but today he's right on. The guy said Artie is looking like he's trying to self destruct or something.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Jackie was on a month ago and said that they used to shut his mic off when he was on with Howard so he couldn't retaliate on the show. He said he'd like to hear them pull that clip and play it. Ralph said that did happen from time to time. The caller said he doesn't believe it. Jason said that happens to Benjy all the time. Benjy said he's never even had his on.
Jon got back to Gilbert and asked if it's possible to get a sincere answer out of him on anything. Jason said they may not even want one. Jon said it would be interesting to get one though.
Jon said Artie went off on Gilbert about all of the commercial and voice work he gets. Jason said it's the voice that's so recognizable and he's able to get work because of that.
Jason said he thinks that he'd like to hear from Gilbert's wife sometime. He said he's trying to picture him at home as a husband and father and it just doesn't click with him.
A caller suggested that they should have Artie and Gilbert do an hour long show when Howard retires. Benjy said that the funny thing about them is that they're like fighting against a teacher when they're doing what they're doing.
Jason pointed out that Teddy was dressed up very nice today. He said he had a nice Diesel shirt on and was looking unlike the usual garbage man that he looks like.
Jon brought up the diet changes that Ronnie was talking about and how Gary hasn't changed his diet even though he had a kidney stone in the past. Ralph said that he wouldn't drink or eat that stuff that Gary eats and drinks if he had gotten one stone. He said he would change his diet immediately.
Jon asked Jason what it was like today without Gary around. Jason said that things are very quiet at the start of the show and he was able to get in some words with Howard before the show started. He said it's usually not like that.
Jason said that the guys all go into the studio about 10 minutes before the show starts and lay out the show to Howard. It usually ends up being Gary talking to Howard and not letting anyone else get in a word. JD will go in and try to get in some words and he can't get anything out on most days. Today he was able to tell Howard everything he needed to.
Gary said that Richard and Sal rarely come out of their office these days. He said that it's a surprise when they come out now. Ralph said they took a lot of shit and it's probably a good thing they hide in there. Now they clamor for them.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he spoke to Ralph about a year ago and got into an argument. He said he's come to like him a lot more over the years now. Ralph asked what they had argued about. The guy said they argued about the berry on his face and him being out of work.
The caller asked if Gary was there. The guys faked his voice and said he was there. He told them to get the Friday Show back. Ralph and Jason played Gary and Tim Sabean and said that show would never come back.
The guys were amazed that the guy didn't know that Gary wasn't there. They had just spent hours talking about how he wasn't there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's a big fan of Ralph's but the fact that he checked out the flip flops on the one girl was just wrong. Ralph said he has eyes and he likes to see a girl in heels. The caller said that's not the first thing he would see. Ralph said it wasn't the first thing he saw.
Jason said they were cheap flip flips and Ralph was right to point that out. He said when she stood on her toes her posture changed and she looked so much better. Ralph said that girls should put heels on when they come in there for something like this.
Benjy said he likes when girls stand up like they have heels on. He said that's hot and he's seen girls do that without saying anything.
Another caller said he loves the show and hopes Howard doesn't take off in the next year or two. Jon said they all don't want him to do that. Ralph wondered what he would do if he did.
Jason asked Ralph if he's afraid that Howard won't keep him on if he does leave radio. Ralph said things will work out fine either way. Jon said he doesn't believe that.
Ralph said he thinks that Howard may change his schedule but he won't leave. He said he's really not worried about it. Jon asked him what he would do if he was out of a job. Ralph said he would figure it out and he'll cross that bridge when they come to it.
Ralph said he thinks that Jason could produce a show if he wanted to. Jason said he worries about Howard leaving all the time. He said there are a lot of unknowns out there right now. This is the only job he's had since he got out of college.
The guys asked Ralph what he does worry about. Ralph said he doesn't worry about much of anything. He said he never wanted the security of a regular job like some people do.
Another caller said he loves Ralph. Then he went off on Benjy saying that he doesn't think that he's ever fucked a girl at all without paying for it. The guy was also saying he loved Artie's attack on Lou today because it was so uncomfortable.
Jason said that it was very uncomfortable and he was in the studio at the time. Ralph said Howard was uncomfortable too and he was trying to stop it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the women wearing sneakers on the train isn't that big of a deal. Ralph said it just doesn't look right. He said they could find something more attractive to wear than sneakers.
Another caller said he agrees with that last guy. He said he loved Artie goofing on Lou. Benjy asked the caller what Amy Fisher is supposed to do now. The caller said she's still making money off of the shooting 19 years later. Benjy said that's not really her fault, it's everyone else's fault for not forgetting about it.
The guys went back and forth arguing with Benjy about the whole Amy Fisher thing. Benjy wanted to know how you get beyond the whole thing. Benjy said that Mark Wahlberg gouged a guy's eye out when he was the same age as Amy Fisher. Ralph said that Mark has turned himself into a huge star by doing things and Amy fisher isn't doing anything like that.
Jason said Mark didn't become famous for gouging a guy's eye out, he was known for doing other things. Jon tried to explain the whole Mark Wahlberg thing and wondered why Benjy was so caught up on it. He said that whole thing is irrelevant anyway.
The guys told Benjy you can't move past doing what Amy did. They told Benjy that they have to expect to get the shit that they get like they did on the Stern Show today. Benjy said he doesn't understand why people just can't move on. Jason said she's only known for one thing and that's shooting a woman in the head.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Benjy is right for once. He said that Amy is infamous for what she did but maybe she has some kind of talent like being a porno actress. Jason said that's definitely not her talent.
The caller asked Ralph how many hours he puts in working for Howard. Ralph said he puts in a good 2 and a half hours and makes about $300,000 a year. He said he was joking about that and it was really none of his business. Ralph said he actually thinks he's underpaid for the work he does.
Another caller was talking about how the guys on the show try to change their roles on the show like Richard and Sal. He said that they seem to be trying to pick up their ball and run home by not coming into the studio and going into the office anymore.
Jason said he thinks that Ralph is still the same guy he has been for the past 20 years and people are just now seeing that he's been right all these years.
The caller on the line was also talking about how he had a kidney stone and the stent that had the string attached to it. He said that he had it hanging out and it wasn't that bad. He said you do have the urge to pull it out. He said that the doctor ends up yanking out the stent with the string. The guy said the doctor will count to three and then pull it out. He said the doctor broke the knot on the string and it left the thing in there and had to put him on a table to fish it out. He said they don't knock you out to do that either. Jon thanked him for leaving them with that at the end of the show. They had to end it a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about how he was talking about their radio careers and the guy from WPLJ who he called Larry Miller. It was Larry Burger. Howard said his memory is going.
Howard said Artie is going to be about 10 minutes late this morning. Howard said he's a very busy man. Robin said he's probably taking meetings in the middle of the night.
Howard said he didn't call Gary yesterday but Ronnie did. Howard said he pictured Gary in pain and didn't think he was going to be out. He was right back out coaching his little league team though. Howard said he had a guy on the phone who wants this to be the last day they talk about his penis.
Gary came in and told the story about going into the hospital to get set for the operation. He said he got really nervous. He said they took him down to get an x-ray done to make sure the stone hasn't passed. Gary said they took the x-ray and wheeled him into the operating room. He said he was going to get his anesthesia. He said he was all depressed and scared about the whole thing.
Gary said he has stopped taking Tums and stopped drinking tea about a year ago so he's not too worried about changing his diet. He said he's cutting out a lot of things already.
Gary said they were about to push him into the room to do the operation. His doctor came by and said that the x-ray showed there was no stone. They were about to wheel him in but then they wanted to take a CAT scan to make sure there was nothing there. It turned out it was still there and the x-ray missed it.
Gary said the stone was 6-8 millimeters and that's about the size of a marble. Gary said that's huge, and he wasn't feeling any pain.
Gary said he got set for the operation and the next thing he knows he's awake after noon. He said he went to pee the first time and it wasn't so bad. He said it wasn't as bad as Artie made it out to be.
Gary said the doctor told his wife that he had to ''root around for it'' when the stone broke into 3 pieces. Gary said they had to blast it to break it and then took it out.
Howard asked Gary about his penis and if anyone seemed impressed. Gary said it seems small when nothing is happening and nervous. He said no one was impressed as far as he knew. Gary said the anesthesiologist was a guy.
Artie called in and interrupted. Artie said he would be there in about 5 minutes. He said he's fine. Artie said he's running late and he's fine. Howard said they didn't say he wasn't fine. Artie said he just wanted them to be sure that he wasn't high or anything. He just overslept. He said he has a girlfriend that sleeps with him now and that's what happens.
Gary got back to the penis thing. He said there were two women who were in the room. He said this woman just lifted his skirt up and saw his penis. Howard said that's his worst fear.
Gary said they put the stuff in the IV to knock him out and you don't remember anything. He said there was about 10-20 seconds of euphoria and then nothing.
Gary said he has a stent in there now and there is no string. He said he has to leave it in for a week and then go back in to get it out. Gary said they have to give him a local anesthetic and go in and take it out.
Gary said he got home and peed for the first time and it wasn't as bad as he thought. He told Steve Langford about that when he called. Gary said Langford asked him if it was the pain meds working. Gary said he was right, it started to wear off and got worse.
Gary said he went to the baseball game and felt fine yesterday. Then he went home and peed and the pain was bad. He said he had some pain killers which was Oxycotine, not Oxycontin. Artie came in and said that they're all great. Gary said they really are. Artie said that Oxycotine is the pussy version but it's still good.
Artie said the most embarrassing thing is when a dentist has to put you under. He had that happen to him one time. He said he had to tell the dentist he can't have anything. This was about 5 months ago. Artie said it was a couple of months before he got clean and he was trying to get clean. He said he had to be honest with the guy because he's a friend of the family. He said his mother would have found out and there would have been hell to pay.
Gary said the pain was bad so he went to the pain killers. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to take them. He said he took the Oxy and he was stoned 10 minutes later. He said it didn't even help him with the pain. He said he just didn't give a fuck about the pain. Gary said he started drinking scotch about 2 years ago and this buzz is like 6 scotches but he was able to function. He said it was the euphoria of drinking without getting drunk.
Howard asked Gary about the peeing and asked about why it helped. Gary said the pain level was the same, he just didn't care about it anymore.
Howard said he can see why Artie would do this. Gary said they should do a show where they all take an Oxycodine. He said he's going to have to throw them away soon because they are so good. Robin said she had some Oxycontin and it did nothing for her. Gary said it had him wasted in 10 minutes.
Howard asked Artie if he starts to salivate when he hears that Gary has that. Artie said he's so far out of it he's not. He said that opiates are amazing. He said he doesn't want kids to hear that because they just put kids on that stuff these days and they get stuck on it.
Gary said he has to keep drinking liquid and pee a lot and it's going to hurt. He said he's holding off on peeing for a while because of that.
Gary said the guy in the garage there has a comment for him. He said he usually goofs on him but today he didn't. He heard that he told Scott DePace that the kidney stone turned out to be a tooth.
Gary said the guy is really funny with his comments because he's leaning up against the wall when he says the lines. Gary said that day he came in after his pitch, he had some tips taped to his steering wheel about how to pitch.
Gary said he has to go pee and he knows it's going to hurt. Gary said the stone is gone now though so that's the good thing. Gary said he has some strange stuff in that pee. He said he's on a pill that turns the pee bright red. He said other than that he's alright.
Howard said he's glad Gary is okay. He said he didn't call him yesterday thinking he was going to be out of it but it turns out he was doing fine. Artie said he swears he would have emailed him if he knew how to email.
Gary said it's odd that he has a foreign object stuck in his penis today. He said it doesn't belong in there so it's very strange. He said he had a guy call him and tell him that he could tug out his stent himself when it had a string attached to it. The guy wasn't able to do it himself.
Howard had a list of stuff that Ronnie was supposed to avoid. Howard said it kind of surprises you. Some of it is healthy food. He read that draught beer is on the list. Gary said he doesn't drink that much. It also listed juices containing berries, Ovaltine, teas, cocoa, peanut butter, tofu, beets, leeks, green peppers, celery, spinach, sweet potatoes and a ton of other vegetables. Robin said that sounds like every vegetable.
Howard said that you're supposed to avoid nuts too. He said he eats a lot of peanuts and cashews and stuff. He said he's going to stop eating that stuff too. Chocolate was on the list of things to definitely avoid. Howard read about the other juices, coffees, sardines and other things that were on the list.
Howard said he told Sal that show was a home run. He said the show was really good and they'll have even more coming soon. He asked Doug when they'll have it up. Doug Goodstein said this one will be up tonight at midnight.
Howard said they have some more episodes coming up and Beth stars in one of them with a midget. Howard said they'll also have Scott the Engineer in ''Mr. Lotto.'' They have ''IN the Bag'' and ''Artie's Chair'' coming soon. Robin's episode is called ''Quivers, Quivers, Quivers.''
Sal came in and said that they spliced in a lot of stuff in the episodes. They use stock footage and make up some new stuff. Sal said he writes the episodes with a couple of other guys. Richard has been busy with some Halloween stuff for Howard TV.
Sal said they have written a bunch of episodes. He said they'll come up with a basic premise and write the scripts from that. They meet every Wednesday for about 2 hours and come up with a final script and then pitch it to On Demand. He said it's actually a long process.
Howard said he wrote to Sal about how good the episode was. Artie asked Sal how long it takes someone on SFN to write an episode for him before he steals it. Sal said it's about 15 seconds.
Artie said he has done the road with Yucko and he's a prop comedian. He said he feels for the guy because he has to carry all of this stuff with him. Artie said he can barely bring a toothbrush with him. He said Yucko has to bring make up with him and all of his props. Artie said they did a gig at Zanies in Chicago one time and if he ever wants to kill himself, that's the place he's going to do it. That's how bad the place is.
Artie said Yucko uses black dildos in his act. He said he leaves them on stage when he storms off. Artie said Bob Levy also does the eating of blue cheese out of a chick's ass and then he ends up slipping on that and tripping over the big, black cock.
Howard had Yucko come in since they were talking about him. Yucko came in honking his horn. Howard told him about the Show in the Hallway episode and said he must be thrilled about that. Howard said he'd have his wife fucking every clown like Ronald McDonald and clowns like that. Yucko said that sounds hilarious. He said he's not going to be a part of that.
Howard said Yucko is upset with Artie because he once said he was going to do a benefit for his parents after their house burned down. Artie said he told Levy to set it up and he would do it. Howard said Yucko should do one himself.
Yucko said he had a terrible life last year. He said his parents house burned down and he left his wife. Robin said ''no'' because she left him. Yucko laughed about that.
Artie said that Levy can set up a gig and they can try to raise some money doing that. Then he'll buy a pack of cigarettes with the money they raise.
Howard said expecting Artie to raise the money isn't right. Yucko said he's not worried about it. He said his mother is in the hospital right now with a blood clot in her leg. Howard asked if she's proud of him. Yucko said she's never seen his act.
Artie and Yucko goofed on each other for a couple of minutes. They were goofing on each other's outfits and acts. Artie shut him up when he said he collects his $80,000 check and goes home.
Howard said Yucko texted Gary about 5,000 times after his pitch. He said they were horrible messages too. Gary said he didn't know they were Yucko when he started getting them. Gary said that one got to him and it said ''The only thing you do throw well is your mother in a retirement home.'' or something like that.
Gary said this stuff got under his skin and he didn't know who it was. Gary said he got one that made him dial the phone. He said he called the number and cursed him out, not knowing it was Yucko. Yucko said he was sitting in the hospital room and Gary was saying he wanted to cum in his mother's face. Yucko said he didn't even know it was Gary who was calling him. Gary didn't know it was Yucko either.
Howard asked Yucko if he can afford cable. Yucko said of course he can. He said he's doing fan-fuckin-tastic. He doesn't have to pay alimony or anything because they were only married for 2 weeks. He said she didn't have to walk down the aisle. Robin said he begged her to.
Yucko said he hasn't heard from his ex-wife since she left. He said he likes it that way too. Yucko said he has come close a couple of times with women but he's on anti-depressants and it's not working for him. Yucko said he has the other problems like his mother getting sick too.
Artie and Yucko got into more comedy arguments. They were goofing on each other's acts and Artie asked him when he's going to get a new idea. Yucko said Artie repeats all of his jokes too. Artie said that a house in Georgia can't cost that much and he doesn't need him to help with rebuilding it.
Artie was getting mean with Yucko. Artie said he can't relate to Yucko because he's in show business. Yucko said he had a show on MTV 4.
Howard said Yucko isn't a bad looking guy. He's seen him without the make up on. Howard asked if he's working with Sal and Richard at all. Yucko said they started their own thing. Howard said they were making some good money doing that. Howard said he'd be on anti-depressants if that happened to him too.
Yucko said he thinks it was all about money and stage time and getting into fights with Bob Levy.
Howard asked Yucko if they left him behind. Yucko said they have a show called the Richard and Sal show but they still do an occasional show together.
Yucko said that Sal never sticks around to sign autographs and stuff when they go out on the road. He said he was always too big to stick around. He said they asked him to stick around but he was too big of a star to do that.
Howard asked if he enjoyed working with Beetlejuice. Yucko said it was disgusting and he figures he'll get hepatitis. He said Beetlejuice will go out and take a shit and then come back stage and fondle all of the food. He said they're looking at getting him a cage or something with a hamster bottle in there.
Yucko said he's actually going to be working with him soon. Howard gave Yucko some plugs for a show they're doing out in Arizona. Yucko said bob is out getting dentures this morning. Artie said the guy is only like 46 years old. Check out RevBobLevy.com for more comedy gigs.
Yucko said Bob was in an accident a couple of years ago. Artie said ''yeah right... He drove his car into a couple 8 balls of coke.''
Howard said he heard that Yucko found a shit in the shower at his hotel room one day. They assumed it was Beetlejuice who did it. Yucko said they started yelling at him about it and he denied it. Bob Levy said it was his. Yucko said Bob was all fucked up with some virus so he just shit in the shower. Yucko said he got the majority of it down but not all of it.
Howard asked what's up with this Levy. He said he seems okay off the air. He said shitting in the shower is nasty. He said he'd try to clean it up if it was him. Artie said he believes it and comedians are the most grotesque, vile human beings.
Artie said he had a story about a comic and another comic who were going out on the road. He said he didn't want to give their names. He said the comic and his wife asked the other comic to stay with their 2 year old daughter. They go out and come back about 20 minutes later. The mother, who is a recovering addict, comes home and sees the kid in the kitchen. She grabs the baby and the comedians leave. The woman sees on the table a lot of white stuff. She tastes it, it's coke. The comedian was doing lines of blow a foot from the 2 year old kid. The woman had a relapse and had to go to rehab for 6 months after that.
Howard gave Yucko some plugs for his DVD ''Eat My Balls'' which is available at Target and on iTunes. Howard said he was going to take some phone calls after that. He said they had Brooke Hogan and Staind coming in later on too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw Bob Levy, Shuli and Yucko in Harrisburg and Yucko had a great 10 minute set. He said Bob looked like he was reading it from a teleprompter. He said he must have been drunk off his ass or something.
Artie said that Levy can do an hour and a half of comedy and that's why they need him. Yucko only has 10-15 minutes. Artie said Yucko has been doing this for like 30 years and still only has 15 minutes.
Howard suggested that Yucko dress up like a fire fighter and come up with 10 more minutes of material. Artie told him to forget the costume and wear the costume he usually wears which is a shitty comic. Yucko wasn't laughing. Artie told him to dress up like a talented person.
Howard asked how many props he has. Yucko said he has about 1 a minute or so. He said he does the black cock thing and does a Barack Obama impression. Artie said Yucko used to use the N-word and it sounded like a Klan meeting. Yucko said that Artie used to ask them not to use the N-word in their acts because he wanted to use it and keep the shock value.
Artie said he had to ask Bob Levy not to do the blue cheese thing because it was like following a sexual assault. He asked Bob not to do that and Bob told him he has to do it because it kills. Artie said he did Carnegie Hall one time and he uses that N-word in his act that's really not racist. He said if Yucko uses the word 57 times, it kind of screws things up.
Howard asked Yucko why he stopped using the N-word in his act. Yucko said he still makes fun of everyone. He said he even makes fun of himself.
Howard told Yucko to do a night of comedy in a knight in shining armor outfit. Robin said that would get some laughs because it would be so unusual.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what was going on with Artie because he's got an attitude with Yucko today. Yesterday he had an attitude too. Howard said there may be a problem there between him and Yucko. Artie said Yucko was calling him a fat fuck so he's defending himself. Artie said he's going to work on that and try to quiet down a bit. He knows that some of the fans hate him right now.
The caller said Artie's DVD is awful and he's just saying that to try and help him out. Artie said the DVD has over 400,000 views on YouTube. He said it must be pretty good and Howard liked it. Yucko said he has a bunch of videos with over a million views.
Yucko said that Artie caused all of this by lying about the benefit. Artie said he told Levy to set it up and he will be there for him if he does want him to do it. Artie and Yucko threw a few more comments at each other before Howard cut them off and said he wanted to end on a good note. Artie said ''Yeah, Yucko. Leave.''
Howard gave Yucko some more plugs for the Arizona club he was going to be at. Yucko said that's the place he met his wife. He said he should be fine going there though. Artie said that woman made the best decision leaving Yucko. Artie said he hates Yucko. Howard gave Yucko some more plugs and said you can find more dates and ticket info at RevBobLevy.com. He gave him a plug for the ''Eat My Balls DVD as well.
Yucko threw out some jokes about Robin's $800 bottle of wine and how it could have been worse for Howard if she had ordered bananas. Artie goofed on him for screwing up the cost of the wine when it sounded like he said ''100 dollar.'' Yucko said the 800 must be Artie's weight. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said he was trying to find a news story about some principal in Harlem that Gary was reading about. He said he heard this woman had asked the teachers to report to her about the kids who were kicked out of class by race. Howard said he's not sure what that would tell her. Howard said maybe she's just bored. Howard said she must know she can get into trouble for that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw Beth O on the Mike and Juliet show yesterday. He said she was looking hot. Howard said he watched it yesterday too. That was her final appearance because the show was canceled. He said they had her on there a lot though.
Howard said Geraldo was filling in for Mike yesterday. He said it was Geraldo and Juliet and Juliet is very sexy. He said he starts thinking about what a threesome would be like with her and Beth.
Howard said Beth is real busy with work and she's still working on her book. Howard said she wrote the first three chapters and the publisher didn't like it so she had to start over again. Howard said she wanted to include a lot of anecdotal stuff but the publisher wanted it more like a text book. He said the whole idea of the book is to look it up when you have a question about your dog.
Howard said Beth is basically going to be writing a text book like a medical text book. He said she was writing it by interviewing people about their pets but that's not what the publisher wanted. Beth started over doing it the way they asked her to. Robin said she had some questions about a cat and Beth sent her a whole bunch of references for these people.
Howard said he had a fashion show from Beth for what she was going to wear on that show. He said he likes doing that. Howard said she does fine when she goes on those shows too. He said she has no problem looking good on the show. He said she has other problems, but looking good isn't one of them.
The principal was threatening to sent out pictures of the students to other people in the school and to the Mayor. Howard read the note that the principal sent out and it asked about how many kids were in class, what ethnicity they were, who the disrupters were based on race and a bunch of other stuff. Howard asked what they're going to do when they figure out all of this information. Howard said he would actually want to know.
Artie said they should get Dana on the phone because she might be good at filling out one of these forms. Howard said maybe it would be best if she didn't fill it out.
Gary said he and Jason were surfing the web for that story and they found another one. They found a story about a principal that was going to segregate the students by race to prove a point. Howard said he would segregate by cup size. Howard said that's what he'd be interested in.
Artie said that segregation naturally happens sometimes. He said he had a school that was 40 percent black. One of the cafeterias became the black one and the other was the white one. The nerdy kids had to eat in the black cafeteria. Some of the black kids would rob the nerdy white kids a lot.
Gary said the segregation thing happened in his school too. It was an unspoken thing though. Howard talked about a girl in his school who dated only black guys but then she dated his friend because he looked kind of black. Her parents weren't happy about her dating black guys so she found this guy who looked kind of black and her parents were okay with it.
Gary said there were cheerleader's in his school who were black and white and then there was this booster club that was only black chicks. He said it was all black chicks except for one white chick.
Howard said he had to get to Brooke Hogan. He said she's got a lot of stuff going on in her life that he has to get to. Howard said he thinks this season of her show, Brooke Knows Best, is going to be great. He said she's going through a lot of trauma in her life right now and it should be good.
Artie said he thinks that Brooke is into black guys. He said Hulk was being very liberal about it when he found out about it.
Howard had a caller on the line who said that Artie fucked up by doing the benefit for Captain Janks. Howard said Artie was helping the bar owners, not Janks. Howard said he didn't want to get into it and hung up on the guy.
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Howard said he feels that Brooke pretends not to have a boyfriend on her show and she really does. Brooke said she doesn't want to act single on the show. Howard said she's involved with this guy Stacks who is half black. Howard said Artie mentioned that she was into black guys. She said she's not into black guys, she's just attracted to good looking guys.
Howard said Brooke is brutally honest on her show and she's willing to expose all of this stuff. He said they present her as a virginal girl but she really isn't. Brooke said she might be a virgin until she's 40. Howard asked how old she was when her show started. She said she was just 16 and she was a virgin back then.
Howard said she must have started having sex at some point. Brooke said she's 21 now but she didn't want to talk about that stuff. She said that it actually was on the show and they did hint that she had sex on the show.
Howard said her body screams for sex and she must be doing it. She said that she does have blood flowing in her. Howard said she must have lost her virginity by season 2. She said she was a virgin for a very long time. Brooke said this is the first time she's ever talked about this. She said she was actually legal when it happened.
Brooke said that her father must know by now but she's not sure. She said it was good the first time she did it. Her virginity was like this big thing and it was sacred. Brooke said she was grown up by then and it wasn't that big of a deal like it would have been when she was 16.
Howard asked who the guy was and if he was white. She said that he was white and it was that guy Jerry the rocker kid who was on the show with her. She said her father may go out and kill him now that he knows. She said ''Sorry Jerry!''
Howard asked Brooke about how it all happened. She said she dated for 2 years before they did it. Brooke said that it wasn't messy or anything and there was no blood. Howard asked where they went to do it. Brooke was blushing and said she was very embarrassed by this.
Brooke said they were at an event at the Hard Rock in Chicago. She said that Jerry pulled her into his arms and it went from there.
Howard asked Brooke if she's wild in bed. She said she's a free spirit. She said she's wild to a point but she wouldn't be with another girl. She said she's not wild in that way. Howard asked her if she would do a chick but not let her man do the chick. She said she's not sure about that.
Brooke said she kissed a girl in her new season and did that for her roommate Glen. She said she wanted him to try dating a girl and she was going to date her too so that's what led to the kiss. Brooke said this girl was kind of butch but she had nice boobs and hip bones and she tried to tell her to grow out her hair and put on a nice bra and she'd look hot. She wasn't interested in doing that though.
Brooke said she went out for the date on the other chick's Harley and she was tiny. She said it was funny looking because she towered over her. Brooke said she walked her to the door and the other girl kissed her and gave her a little tongue. Brooke said she wasn't sickened by it, but it was a bit much to take all at once.
Howard asked Brooke about the kiss and said that she seems to be enjoying sex and being spanked and stuff. He said he likes this.
Howard said he saw the interview Brooke did with Perez Hilton. Her parent's divorce is getting messy and Brooke is speaking out about it. Howard said the family used to be all nice and got along. Now they're all fighting and stuff. Howard said the reality show made them all big stars and it may have blown up the family. Brooke said the show didn't do it. She said it was a lot of underlying stuff and it all came out because of the show.
Howard said the whole divorce got ugly. Howard said Brooke's mother seems to want to be ''Brooke.'' Howard said she dresses like her and may be going through a mid-life crisis. She's actually dating a guy who is younger than Brooke. Howard said Brooke was staying neutral in the whole thing at first. Brooke said her mother is hot and she can pull it off. She said the age thing isn't a thing for her. She said that kind of thing happens all the time.
Brooke said that she wouldn't have a problem with this guy if he wasn't taking advantage of her mother and father. Brooke said she has this sense that there's this wall and lies between her and her mother. She said her mother was seen making out with an older guy at a hotel and she's not sure what's going on there.
Brooke said that she and her mother were really close and now things are bad. She said it's hard to talk about it in interviews but she's trying to help people who are going through the same type of thing.
Brooke said she doesn't know that her mother is doing drugs but she has the feeling that she has something she needs to straighten out in her life. Brooke said that she spoke to her mother on May 5th and things were fine. Then the next day things went downhill when her mother read an interview that she had done with a magazine.
Howard said Brooke's mom has attacked Brooke in a press release. Howard said he had that press release and he was going to read it. Brooke said she always feared letting her parents down when she was growing up and now she wonders why she had to behave all those years. She wondered why her mother would do this to her.
Howard said this press release is a real betrayal. He said you just don't talk about your kids like this. Howard read the press release and they bashed Brooke on her album sales. Then they pointed out that Brooke's breasts weren't real and they were implants. Howard asked her about that. Brooke said that her boobs are fake and she admits to that. She said that everyone has to fall over crying now that she's come out and said that. Brooke said she had a full C before she got them done but the shape was bad. She wanted them more round so she went up a full size. Howard said they do look nice.
Artie said a lot of women go to Miami and get fake ones when they don't need to. Brooke said her mother was a big influence on that. She said she didn't need them but she was convinced to get them.
Howard read more of the press release and it had something in there about her age and her claims that Brooke's mother's boyfriend was younger than her by a year and a half and that wasn't true. Howard didn't get that and neither did Brooke.
The press release said that Brooke is dating a pot head and her father does it as well. Brooke said her father has never smoked pot in front of her. She said that stuff isn't even that big of a deal. She said that even our president had smoked pot.
Brooke said she hasn't spoken to her mother since the press release came out. She said she feels like her mother disowned her after that. She said she read the press release and she got all shaky when she read it. Brooke said when it hit her this wave came over her and it was embarrassing to her. She said that it was her mom who put it out and that was shocking to her.
Brooke said her father has tried to be very calm and Christian about the whole thing and tried to make her think that maybe she's got problems that she needs to take care of.
Brooke said she feels like she doesn't even have a mom right now. She said she would like to have her mom to give her an opinion on stuff and she just can't do that right now.
Brooke said she has tried going to therapy for this stuff but she thinks she handles it pretty well on her own. She sometimes wonders if it's all going to hit her at once though.
Howard asked Brooke if he wanted him to get her back with her mom. He said that they could get some huge ratings if he did this. He said he would make her understand how hurtful she was to her. He said he'd tell her that she's the mother and she's the one who has to take the high road. Howard said he thinks that it wouldn't be easy but he could pull it off. Brooke wasn't sure about that. Brooke wasn't interested in doing that. Howard said he could try it with his own mom then.
Brooke said there are a lot of women out there who want to take care of her like that but she feels like a charity case.
Howard asked Brooke if she's using rubbers when she has sex. She said she didn't want to talk about this stuff. Howard said hulk wants him to talk about it. Brooke said she knows he doesn't want him talking about that.
Howard said Jesse Ventura was on the show recently telling them that Hulk has a small penis. Brooke said they should ask her father's girlfriend Jennifer about that. She said that they actually look and act a lot alike. Brooke said she's really cool and she likes her a lot. Artie said he met her too and she really is very nice.
Howard asked Brooke about this Stacks guy and if he ever asks her to let her do it without a condom. She said it's not like that and he's very respectful. Brooke said this was making her sweat under her fake boobs.
Howard asked Brooke if she would go on the pill and let Stacks go inside of her. She said she's on the pill and she's been on it since she was 14. Brooke said she still has Stacks wear a condom. Brooke said that once you're with someone for a long time she's fine with it. She said neither of them want a kid and that's why they still use the condoms.
Brooke said you never know what's going to happen and with her schedule she can be thrown off and not take the pill on time.
Howard asked Brooke if she's ever wanted to see herself having sex and taped it. She said she has never wanted to do that. She said that's what mirrors are for. Howard told her that Robin was videotaped by a guy and she didn't know the guy was doing it.
Howard gave Brooke some plugs for her TV show ''Brooke Knows Best'' that premieres this Sunday night on VH-1.
Brooke said her brother is doing well but he had to move to L.A. to get away from people in Tampa telling him they wanted him to die.
Irish John called in and said he feels sorry for her dad because he hears him on Bubba's show talking about how he's going broke in this divorce. Brooke said that her mother is getting $40,000 a month tax free. Brooke said she couldn't even spend that much a month. Brooke said that her father wanted to leave that money to her and her brother and that's bothering him. She said it's okay with her if he doesn't have the money to give to them.
Brooke said her brother, Nick, is staying neutral in this divorce thing but her mother has even gone after him. Howard said it would be good for the reality show if she and her mom had a confrontation. She said they tried to make up in one episode but they weren't in the same room when they did it. Brooke said her mother was asking how her daughter could do this to her.
John said he heard Hulk saying that his ex-wife tried to cash his tax return check and it wasn't her's to cash. Brooke said she didn't know that was out there but kind of confirmed it.
Howard took a call from a guy who had a bad phone connection. Howard didn't understand what he said. Another guy asked Brooke what color panties she was wearing. Brooke said that they matched her dress which was pink. A pink thong.
Another caller asked Brooke how she could date such a dork. He said he's better looking than that guy is. Brooke said she didn't like his attitude.
Howard said when you see a guy with a chick you always have to put them down because guys think that they should be with the chick.
Howard heard that Brooke was taller than her boyfriend by a foot and a half. Brooke said he's really not that short. She said she's the same height and only taller when she's in heels.
Another caller said that Bubba offered Brooke's mother $100,000 to come in and take a drug test. Brooke said she would do that if it was her. Another guy asked Brooke if her brother took it in the ass while he was in jail. Brooke said ''Fuck you dude.''
Howard asked to see Brooke's friend Rachel. Brooke said that she's her personal assistant and she's really smart. Rachel came in and Artie said ''Holy shit!'' and said she was the hottest chick they had ever had up there.
Howard asked Rachel if they do anything together. Rachel said that Brooke does try to cuddle with her at times. Brooke said she must think that she's her boyfriend while she's sleeping. Howard said the two of them should fool around once in a while. Howard asked Rachel if she's attracted to her at all. Rachel said she's beautiful but she's not into her like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Brooke sounds like a very sweet person and he thinks that Beth and Brooke would make a great couple. Howard said that would be fun. Brooke even said that sounds hot to her. Artie told him to add Rachel to that mix too. Howard even invited Robin to be part of that. Howard said the ratings would be huge for Brooke if they did that.
Howard said Rachel's boobs looked great. She said they were real too. Brooke said that's what her's used to look like and now she's mad she got the implants.
Another caller asked Brooke if she had sex with Rich Davis. Brooke said she had a crush on that guy, who works at SIRIUS, but she didn't do anything with him. The caller had asked if she swallows too. Brooke said she makes her man happy and that's all she was going to say.
Howard asked Brooke if she would be opposed to swallowing that stuff. Brooke said if you love someone you shouldn't have a problem doing stuff like that. She said she won't say what she does though. Brooke said she won't say because she has people out there who look up to her. Robin said she obviously hasn't been in love herself.
Howard told the girls they were lovely. He gave Brooke some more plugs for her single, her TV show and more. Brooke said she has a nude scene in her show this season. She said she's in the shower nude. Howard asked if she's fully shaven. Brooke said ''Who wants a bush?'' She said she likes hairy men but she likes to be clean down there. Howard said Robin keeps a little landing strip. Howard said Beth is fully shaven because that's what he prefers.
Brooke said there is some footage of her nude but they have it in the vault. She said they have to blur the shots in the TV show but the footage does exist. Brooke said there were like 20 guys in the room at the time when she did it. She said she was really hot when the air conditioning got shut off and she started walking around naked because of it. Brooke said Ashley was trying to go green and that's why they shut off the A/C.
Artie said he loves Brooke's show when Kim fights with Bruce Jenner. Brooke told him he had the wrong show. Howard said he will be watching Brooke's new show. Brooke said her album is coming out July 21st. Howard said he hopes that she makes up with her mother and has a reconciliation.
Artie wanted to ask Rachel a question because Brooke said she was smart. Artie asked her who the vice president was. Brooke said it was Condoleeza Rice. Rachel said that she had to think about it. Rachel said she knows it's a guy. She said it starts with a B or something. Howard told her to keep going. Artie wanted to see how smart this chick was since Brooke told them that she was ''so smart.'' Rachel didn't know the answer.
Brooke knew who the President was. She even know his first and last name. Howard told her the Vice President was Richard Simmons. Brooke asked if they were being serious. Rachel knew they were messing with them. Howard wrapped up after that and said that if Brooke ever wants to get her mother on the show, just let him know and he'll do that. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said he was killing some time while Aaron from Staind was out smoking a cigarette. Gary said he called Aaron back before he had the chance to smoke. Howard said it upsets him when a singer smokes. He said he'll lecture him when he comes back.
Howard had the guys come in after that. Howard told Aaron about the cigarette thing because he has such a beautiful voice. One of the other guys, Mike, said it bothers him too. Howard said it must drive the rest of the band nuts when they see their singer smoking.
Aaron wasn't talking. He said it actually kind of sucks because he had quit for 5 years before he had started again. He said the first ultrasound for his third child made him start smoking. He said that they found out that it could have had down syndrome and that drove him back to smoking. Aaron said he had one cigarette and started again. Then they went back and the ultrasound found the kid was fine but he's still smoking. Artie said it would have been nice if the kid had a hair lip or something at least.
Howard asked Aaron what he does when he wants to go smoke now that all of the buildings are smoke free. He said he'll go into a bathroom and blow it out the exhaust fan or something.
Gary said he knows it must be a big pain in the ass. Gary said Aaron asked what would happen if he just smoked there. Gary said they would come in and stop him. He said Ronnie would be forced to stop him. Aaron said it was a little irritating when he got called back up right as he took the cigarette out and didn't even get to light it.
Howard asked how much he's smoking a day. Aaron said it's just one pack a day. Artie said that people complain about smoke stinking but they let you shit in a bathroom and not smoke in there.
Howard said the guys are going out on tour this summer and they've lowered the price of tickets to make it affordable for the fans. Aaron said that they saw that the stimulus plan money went and the it was to bail out these big corporations instead of the citizens.
Howard asked Aaron who he voted for. Aaron said they were out on tour and he didn't vote. He said that's no excuse though but he didn't think that either of them were the right choice. Aaron said that when a business is failing they should be allowed to fail so others can come in behind them and create new business.
Robin asked about what they're supposed to do about lots of other people losing their jobs when these big companies go out of business. Aaron said the government isn't supposed to get involved.
Howard said they had food shipped up there in honor of Aaron. The restaurant Pump sent it up. Howard said he got some vodka from Aaron too and it was really good. Aaron said he's not in business with the guy or anything, he just knows the guy who imports it. Aaron said that he smokes weed but he's unable to plug his weed dealer. The vodka is called Hammer and Sickle.
Howard said today it's just Mike and Aaron in there to perform. Howard said the guys were asked to do some cover versions of some songs and then he'll play their new album... which has actually been out for a year now.
Howard said the guys are going to do two tunes for them today. They said that they picked out a couple of songs to cover and they're just random. Aaron said that he's going to be doing a cover of Bob Seger's song ''Turn the Page.'' Artie said he loves that song.
Artie told a story about going to do a show in Chicopee, Massachusetts and Mike from Staind showed up to the show. Mike said he saw him at Foxwoods too. Artie said that's how cool these guys are.
Howard said that Aaron is going to be doing a solo album and he figured the band must be pissed. Aaron said that he's not going anywhere, this is just a way to express himself in another way. He said he's not leaving the band. Howard asked mike if he's upset about it. Mike said he's assuming that he will come back so he's okay with it.
Howard said maybe this is like Fergie leaving the Black Eyed Peas and going back. That led to Artie saying that she's a sucky singer but Aaron said she's actually a great singer. Artie said he knows that, he just didn't have another joke.
Howard said that Aaron shouldn't be going out and doing other songs that he could be doing with the band. Mike said that's a good question. Robin asked why he can't do this stuff with Staind. Artie said maybe he wants to get a good guitarist. Aaron said it's that and it's just a different way to express himself. He said he has envisioned it as being completely different to the band.
Howard said he was going to shut up now so they can perform their songs. Aaron said he'd like it if they kept talking. Howard said they were going to perform ''True Colors'' as well as ''Turn the Page.'' Howard said he loves ''True colors'' and told them to do whatever they wanted to do first. Howard told them to ride the Sybian while they performed the song too.
Mike started them off with the ''True Colors'' thing but he forgot the song. He had to start over a couple of times. Mike said he wasn't even high. Mike asked Artie to do a benefit show for him so he could get some guitar lessons.
Mike started a third time and said this was going to be it. Aaron told him he did it right the first time around. Mike said he just couldn't get it right. He tried a fourth time. Mike said he never gets nervous in front of 60,000 people but he's nervous in front of Howard. Mike said he's been playing guitar for 34 years and he's screwing up only today.
Mike got it pretty right on the fifth or sixth try. Aaron was finally able to sing the song. They went through Cyndi Lauper's ''True Colors.'' Aaron said he could hear his heart beating in his voice in the middle of the song.
After the song Aaron said it was a rocky beginning there. Howard said he loved it. Howard said he listens to Coffeehouse on SIRIUS and that's the kind of stuff they play on there. He said he loved the song. Robin was eating during that. She said the song was beautiful.
Howard asked Aaron if he remembers the lyrics to those songs. Aaron said he forgets the lyrics to their songs but he remembers lyrics to other people's songs. He said he'll just forget in the middle of a song where he's at and he'll just change them to express that he screwed up. He said he's actually started laughing in the middle of a song before.
Howard asked the guys if they watch American Idol. Aaron said he watched the whole thing. Mike didn't sound interested. Aaron talked about why he thought the guy won on Idol and why the other guy lost. He said the guy that lost had the same sound in every song. He said he could sing his ass off though.
Artie asked them to please perform ''Turn the Fucking Page'' before he killed himself during that American Idol discussion.
Howard had the guys do their thing with that song. Aaron said Scott the Engineer is just sucking today. He said the headphones are all fucked up and crackling. Howard asked Scott what's going on. Aaron and Mike said that they get why Howard goes off on him all the time. Howard said this is the simplest set up they've ever had. Scott did something that fixed the problem.
Mike and Aaron got into the song after that. Mike didn't screw up the opening to ''Turn the Page.'' Aaron screwed up the lyrics though. They got into it about a minute and Aaron just forgot for half a second. Artie reminded him what they were but Aaron knew them, he just paused for a half a second.
Howard asked the guys if they wanted to try again. Aaron said that it's just coming out about the hacks that they really are. The last 6 times they were on they were just lucky. Howard asked if they wanted him to light Scott on fire.
Howard told the guys to try it again. They're professional singers. Howard told Aaron to pretend he's Chris from American Idol. Artie told him to look at him during the song and he'd help him with the lyrics. Aaron said he wouldn't make it through the song if he looked at Artie.
Robin was choking on some food so Artie said ''She's choking, just like Aaron and Mike.'' The guys got into the song again after that. They made it through the whole song this time.
After the song Howard told them it was a great job. Artie said it was unbelievable. Howard asked if they ever met Bob Seger. Aaron said they met him quickly but he didn't hear them perform the song. Howard asked what happened to that guy. Aaron said the guy lost his voice. Howard asked how that happened. Aaron said he would blow out his voice and then go smoke. Just like Aaron.
Howard asked Aaron if he was a singer in school. He said he was always in chorus. Artie let out a cough saying ''Homo!'' when he heard that.
Howard asked Aaron if he always knew he was going to be a singer. Aaron said he did. Howard said he hates to think about Aaron running off to do the solo thing. He said the band has to be worried about that. Aaron told him to stop with that.
Artie said the guy's album is called ''The Illusion Of Progress'' which he thinks is a great title. He asked the guys if they think that Seger going out and selling off his songs to Chevy commercials is another reason he got out of the business. Artie said maybe he just wanted to go out and smell the roses and get out of the business. Robin said they'd have to ask ''Pete'' about that. She screwed up another name so the guys corrected her on that.
Howard said he'll have to tell Cyndi Lauper about their cover of her song. Artie told them that they'd do great with ''Girls Just Want to Have Fun'' too.
Howard gave the guys some plugs for their upcoming tour and said you can find more at Staind.com. He then played a single off their album ''The Illusion Of Progress'' as they were going to break.
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Howard came back and took a call from a guy who said it's magical when Staind is on the show. He said it brings you to a magical place. Howard said they're good guys and they have done a lot of stuff for them. Howard said they are the kind of guys who get you excited when they come in. Howard said he felt vindicated when Scott screwed up and had their headphones messed up.
The caller asked them to do a music special when they go on vacation next. Howard said they should air that special again. He said they took almost every music performance and put it on a CD for him one time. He said they have a ton of stuff to play.
Artie said Joe Walsh doing Desperado was great. Howard said they did that music special so maybe they should air it again. The caller said they could have Howard saying why he liked the songs too. Howard said he could do that kind of thing when he retires. He could just announce the songs that have been played on the show. Howard said they only have another year and a half left there.
The caller got in a plug for his wine before Howard let him go. He thanked Howard for that because business has been down lately.
Artie said it would be great if Howard talked up songs like that guy suggested. Howard said he could pick out like 50 songs and do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Robin is 10 times hotter than she was at 35. Robin thanked him for that. That led to Howard talking about how she was eating during the Staind performance. Howard said she's always having trouble with food because she was choking on it. Robin said she's still on a detox but on this one she's chewing.
Robin said she was eating watermelon during that performance. She said she still does her green drinks. She said she's mixing fruit in with that. Artie said it was a good thing Gilbert wasn't there today to hear her saying she was eating watermelon.
Steve said they have a story about High Pitch Mike getting a tattoo with the date of his birth and the date he came out as a gay man. Howard said he heard about that. He was apparently writing about it on his Facebook page. Howard said he doesn't read Facebook himself, he's handed this stuff to read.
Howard said Mike gave every detail about the tattoo. He said it was marking his big occasion of coming out of the closet. Mike came in to show off the tattoo. Mike said he has been with some guys and had some experiences but he isn't dating.
Mike showed the tattoo and it was just a hour glass with the dates on it. Artie said it looked pretty cool actually. Robin asked Howard why he couldn't tell him what he really thought. Robin checked out the tattoo and said it didn't look bad in person, it didn't photograph very well.
Artie said he should get a tattoo of Brad Pitt on his face if he wants to get laid. Mike thanked him for that. Howard asked Mike if he's going on vacation to Puerto Rico with some dude. Mike said he is going with that guy but they're just friends. He said he should get some shrapnel from him though. Howard said it sounds like he's on his way to getting his dream man.
Artie said his uncle went to Puerto Rico one time and he didn't like it because there were too many Puerto Rican's there.
Steve said they have a story about a ''Sexiest Ugly Guy'' list Howard ended up on where they made fun of his looks. Howard asked who else was on that list. Steve read some of the other names like Woody Allen, Willem Dafoe, Keith Richards and others.
Artie said that is really fuckin insulting. Howard said he knows he's not handsome and he would prefer that they not write it, but he knows he's an ugly guy. Howard said he can't fight it. Artie said they should find out who made the list and find out what they look like so they can post it on Howard's web site.
Steve said the guy who was credited with the list was Jack Murdigan. Howard said he needs to find out what the guy looks like and they will pick this guy apart. Howard said he's sure this guy looks really good.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran through his list of subjects for today's show. They ended up talking about how Robin didn't like talking about swallowing when Brooke was there. Howard said Robin gets uptight about that stuff. Howard said she's usually honest on the air so he wondered what was going on with her.
Howard asked Robin if she swallows. Robin said she swallows her green juice. Fred did his Jim Florentine impression and joked about Robin swallowing sometimes but also spitting it out when he told her he ate meat.
Jon finished up his news preview after that. They ended up talking about Scott screwing up Mike and Aaron's set up today. Howard said it was nice that they yelled at Scott for him.
Steve Brandano came in with his Intern Show preview. He said they'll be meeting the new interns for the summer semester. They have twins with them this semester but they're guys. Steve said some of them will be on tonight.
Jason came in with a picture of that Jack Murdigan guy. Howard said he wasn't that bad looking. Robin saw it and he's not bad looking. Howard said he's the good looking kid who can goof on the ugly kids. Artie said they must be able to goof on him in some way. Howard said he looks kind of like Dennis Quaid in a way. Artie thought he looked kind of like Mickey Rourke.
Artie told the guy not to fuck up because they will come after him. Howard said the guy went to Brown University too so they can't goof on him about that either. Howard said he can't win with this guy. Howard said he could make fun of him not getting into Harvard.
Howard said that Gary got into trouble for the comments he made about Baltimore the other day. Howard read the article (Howard Stern producer calls Baltimore dangerous) but it wasn't making any sense to him. Gary helped him out explaining what it was about. There was also some Police blotter stuff in the article. Gary said they were saying that crime is down in the city but he knows what he saw when he was there. Gary said he heard sirens going off the whole time and the cops were blocking off some streets.
Robin got to her news and read about how this Adam Lambert guy on American Idol was outed on The View but now they're saying that he was seen out with a guy holding hands. Howard said it's obvious that he's gay and everyone knows that. He said the guy shouldn't come out and have to make a big deal out of it.
Robin read a story about how a lot of students are taking 6 years to make it through 4 year colleges. Howard said he saw that kind of stuff going on when he was going to school. They make an occupation out of going to college. Howard said it's sickening to him. He said it would burden their families less if they just got out in 4 years.
Robin said Conan O'Brien is off to a good start with ratings that are higher than they have been in 4 years. Howard said they over prepared for the show and they did bit after bit. He said it was the first show and it's never the one you evaluate. He said they have to give Conan a chance to figure it all out.
Howard hopes that it's not the way the show is going to be. He said they don't have to cram it full of stuff like that. Howard said Dave is going to be suicidal if Dave doesn't beat him. He said they're going to have this conversation in about a month and they'll know who is winning. Artie said they're going to call Howard to do Letterman soon he's sure. Howard said he gets that call all the time. He said Dave is going to have to ask him for help though. He said he's going to have to tell him he's shitting his pants and he needs his help.
Howard said he heard from a woman that women like Jay Leno over Letterman. He said she was just some woman passing by and eavesdropping on his conversation. The woman was out jogging and just kept jogging after she gave her opinion. He called her ''The Jogging Yenta.''
Artie said he thinks that Jay Leno show at 10 o'clock is going to make Cop Rock look like Seinfeld. He said he can't see how it's going to be good. Artie said he agrees with Howard completely. Howard said he's not saying it because he's anti-Jay either. Howard said even if they put Oprah on at 10 o'clock she wouldn't do well. People don't want to see that kind of stuff at that time of night.
Gary said he got an instant message from Vinnie Favale telling him that Conan's ratings came down last night and they will continue to come down. Conan had a 5.0 and Dave had a 3.0 rating. Howard said people do have a high curiosity factor right now. He said they won't know for a few weeks yet.
Gary said he heard that David Letterman had Jack Hannah on for two segments last night. Howard said he actually likes that kind of stuff. He said those animal segments are funny when the animals pee on the host.
Artie said Letterman is the kind of guy who is going to just say ''fuck him'' and do whatever he wants to do. Howard said it would be funny if Dave fucked a gorilla on the air or something like that if he got really desperate.
Gary said Letterman has Julia Roberts, The Jonas Brothers and a bunch of other big guests. He said that must be the week that they're going to start the battle.
Robin said Clarence Clemens is having trouble getting around these days. He has to sit down during the concerts now. Gary said Clarence is close to 70 years old. Ross said he thinks he's even older.
Howard said he took a picture of Beth in her panties and showed it to Ross. Ross told him to calm down and not show him that kind of stuff. He wasn't into seeing it. Howard was hoping Ross would show him some pictures of his hot wife.
Ralph was on the phone and said that Ross probably knows what color those panties were. Howard said he started thinking about Ross going to all of these Springsteen concerts and he's planning his vacations around them. He's going to Italy to see him play.
Robin told a story about Ross making up a sign for the Bruce concerts and how he freaked out when he lost his sign at one point.
Howard said Ross gets drunk and he starts to criticize him about the Springsteen thing. He said he goofed on him about that and then Ross went off on him about him playing chess.
Howard said he doesn't think that Ross even likes Springsteen that much. He thinks he's doing that just to get out of the house. Ross said he doesn't need to do that to get out of the house.
Howard asked Ross if he has ever met Bruce. Ross said he did and he almost passed out when he did. He said he doesn't need to meet him again though. Ross said he's seen Bruce over 100 times. Artie said he's seen like 80 of them. Howard said he could never go see something like that so many times. Artie said it's different every time though. Howard said it's the same songs though.
Artie said he met Bruce twice and in 1991 he saw Southside Johnny perform. He said he and his buddy were by a side door and this Corvette pulled up blasting the Ramones. It turns out it was Springsteen. He said he waited on the side of the stage where they were at and Artie said he said hi to him. Bruce clicked his beer on his and said ''Sometimes you just gotta do the Stones man.'' Southside Johnny was doing a cover of a Rolling Stones song at the time.
Ross talked about the concerts and why he likes going to them. He said he does get a thrill texting the guys on his email list about what's being played. He said it's like a little community.
Howard said Jimmy Fallon is on that list. He said Jimmy told him that Ross texted him about the songs and he just doesn't care about it. He said Jimmy told him about the texts and it was every detail about getting on the train and going to the concert. Jimmy told Ross to get him off the email list as fast as possible. Ross said he doesn't bother him anymore.
Ralph said he thinks that Leno is going to do really well at 10 o'clock. Gary agreed with him on that. Howard said he thinks the competition is more stiff at that time of night though. He said there are a lot of shows on that have big budgets. Howard said he's not sure a talk show can compete at that time.
Howard said the whole network goes down when the prime time stuff isn't being watched. He said he thinks that committing to that much Jay Leno at that time of night may not work. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said he listens to Spyder on the weekends on Sirius Hits 1. Robin said they should have him on the show.
Howard asked Robin about dating that guy Troy she dated years ago. Robin said she barely dated him. She said they never had sex or anything. Howard said he probably didn't want to put up with Robin not swallowing. Robin said they just hung out. She said she hasn't talked to him in a long time, but she would.
Howard said he knows something is going on with Robin. He thinks she's dating someone. Robin said she wasn't going down to Miami every weekend like Howard said she was. Howard said she must have been going there for a reason. Robin said she knows a lot of people down there.
Robin got back to her news and read about Sacha Baron Cohen's ''Bruno'' thing that he did on the MTV awards. One of the writers said that it was all set up but Mark Burnett is saying that Sacha could have been dropped anywhere in the audience. Howard said they had Eminem mic'd so it was all staged. Robin said Burnett is trying to save the bit and keep the illusion going. JD said he read on PerezHilton.com that Paris Hilton was the one who was offered to get the ass in the face and she turned it down.
Robin read some news about how California had a large number of anti-Semitic crimes last year. She also read about how the economy is affecting crime.
Robin said Howard hates roller coasters. Howard said he despises them. He said they can only lead to trouble. Howard said people die on them and there's no reason for them to exist. Robin said she used to want to travel around and go on every roller coaster. She said she loves them.
Artie said they had a ride called the hell hole and you stuck to the wall when the bottom would drop out. He said he remembers being on it when he was 9 and being scared to death.
Robin said she loved roller coasters after she went on one for the first time. Robin went on to read about Millennium Force being the favorite roller coaster in the country. Howard said it's so not worthwhile to create these rides. Robin said they're actually pretty amazing. Fred played some Christian Bale audio clips where he's yelling at a lighting director and had him arguing with Howard.
Robin read a story about the guy who is suspected in the gunning down of Dr. George Tiller at an abortion clinic.
Robin read about a new Osama bin Laden tape that was recently released. Robin said that he may still be alive if the tape is real.
Robin said that President Obama has okay'd a celebration for President Ronald Reagan. She had some audio of Obama talking about that.
Robin said kids are texting up a storm these days. Howard said if kids are getting bad grades then they should be stopped. Robin said they send an average of 80 per day. Robin said there are 2300 a month on average according to a report she read. Howard said it's good that they're learning to type and write with the texts. He said it's hard for most people to be parents and step in and stop them from doing this stuff though. Howard said if the kids are screwing up in school then they should be stopped.
Howard said he texts about 80 times a day. He said it's all work related. Artie said it's probably when Idol is on and he's texting about that. Howard said that is what he does sometimes.
Robin had some audio of a woman talking about how some kids sleep with their phones in their hands so they don't miss any texts. Howard said that is kind of weird. He said it's kind of an umbilical cord and some people can't let them go at all for a second. Howard said he saw a woman walking into a doctor's office texting as she was walking.
Robin said she finds herself putting her phone on the table at a restaurant. Howard said he's started to carry his Blackberry around with him all the time too. Artie said it was great when he got rid of his phone for a while. He said it was like being back in the 1970s again.
Robin read a story about the Air France plane that disappeared the other day and how they're finding some debris from it floating in the ocean. She had some audio of a guy talking about how he still has full confidence in that type of plane.
Robin read that Michael Jackson is going to be doing a concert with the Jackson 5 and his sister Janet. Robin said he's set to go on tour himself in July. He's claiming that this will be his final tour. Howard said that's how you sell tickets saying that it's the last. Just like The Who did a few times.
Robin read a story about a group that does plays based on the old I Love Lucy shows. Howard said they could just put those shows on DVD and watch them there. Why go see it in a play? Howard said it sounds kooky to him.
Robin read about a singer who is suffering from Multiple Sclerosis. Howard didn't know who she was. Robin had him play some of her music and he had never heard of them before.
Robin read about the new movie ''Hangover'' and had some audio of Heather Graham talking about doing that. Howard cut it off after about 2 seconds. Robin had her talking about how making a movie is like art too. Howard said she's very chatty. Fred played the Grandpa Al Lewis ''Blah, blah, blah, blah... huh?'' clip while she was rambling. They ended the show a short time later, right around 10:45am.
Jon said there seems to be some kind of bond going on with Howard. Gary said she gave her email address to Howard the first time she was on. She just seemed to find Howard a good guy. Gary said he thinks that she likes Howard a lot and gets along with him. He thinks she'll save the good shit to tell there when she comes on.
Jon asked Gary if they can blame all of the stuff that her mother is doing on the TV show they had. Gary said he's not sure what Hulk and Linda's relationship was before but it appeared to be pretty good when they were doing their TV show. Gary said that all went to shit apparently.
Gary said he does know that they like having any one of the Hogan family on the show. He said they're always good when they're on.
Gary talked about Brooke's implants and how her mother press released it knowing that it was going to be hurtful to her. Jon played some of Brooke talking about the implants after that.
After that Jon said that you may not be a fan of her show but she was very good on this show being honest the way she was. Artie came in around that time. Artie said that's why Scott Baio was a great guest. He told Howard everything he wanted to know.
Gary said another great example is Janis Ian. He said she came out and talked about being a lesbian and she gave them all of the details about that. Carol Leifer was the same way when she came in.
Jon said Brooke was talking about Hulk later on and how he has a girlfriend that looks very much like her. Artie said he met her and fucked her down in Tampa. He was joking of course.
Artie went on to talk about how hot the girls are down in Florida. He said Bubba, Hulk and Spice Boy all had hot chicks down there. Artie said he met Hulk's girlfriend and she was very down to earth, very pretty and a very nice girl.
Jon asked why they think Robin didn't tell Brooke that she doesn't swallow. Gary said maybe she didn't want to seem uncool to the youngster. Artie said Robin probably swallows a carafe of cum every weekend. Then she comes on the show and says she doesn't swallow. That's her character that doesn't swallow.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Brooke is anything more than a complete celebutard. He said she seems not to know much of anything. He said she didn't have anything to say. Gary said she has a show that people watch and her father is well known. He said that's why they had her on to begin with. Now their whole life is falling apart and it's fascinating so that's why they booked her for the show.
Artie said he thinks that Robin has a water tower filled with jizz and she puts a spigot on the bottom and empties it into her throat on the weekends. Then she doesn't admit it on the show.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Brooke Hogan is a butter face. Artie said he's right. Artie said she's actually very pretty. The caller said her face is very manly and looks like her father's. Gary wanted to see this guy's girlfriend. The guy said he saw Artie one time and he saw his girlfriend.
Artie said he knows who this guy is and he was laughing at all of the black jokes at the show. He said he was bellied over laughing. He was with a hot chick too. He said he was happy that a black guy was getting this hot chick.
Artie said he went out with Howard to some of the book signings and remembered going out with one kid who was working with them and they did this signing on 5th Ave and they got stuck in traffic. Gary said the traffic was backed up because 5th Ave was shut down for Howard. He said it was amazing that it was happening.
Gary said Howard's agent had called the police to let them know that they might want to set up some police for the book singing and they laughed at him. Gary said it ended up shutting down 5th Ave.
Artie said he had a signing in Princeton the other night and it was nice. He said people were very nice and respectful at that signing. He said they weren't bringing him Jack Daniels and stuff. They brought him orange juice and things like that instead.
Gary asked Artie if he has ever taken the suggested number of pills on a bottle before. Artie laughed and kept laughing when he asked that. Artie said he always takes more than he's supposed to. He said he bought some valium over in Afghanistan when they were over there. He said he ended up taking all 11 and got into some trouble with the guy who was helping them out over there. He said the guy brought him inside in a head lock and put him to bed before he got himself into trouble.
Artie got in some plugs for his book signings that he's doing this week. You can find them on his web site at Artie-Lange.com
Ralph called in and said it's amazing that Artie was able to take so many Valium and stayed up. Artie said he once took 25 10mg Percasets one time. He jokingly said he bought them from Bob Levy. He said he was kidding and said it was actually The Reverend Bob Levy.
Artie said he had to get on a plane after doing heroin one time. He said the movie was ''The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants'' or whatever it was. Artie said it wasn't something cool like Rambo 2 or anything. Artie said he was sitting on the plane and in the first hour he had withdrawals coming on. He said he was going to get violently ill. He said you're not supposed to take Subutex that soon after taking heroin. He said that he had actually turned green when he did take it.
Artie said this woman was sitting next to him on the plane and the ''Yaya Sisterhood'' movie was on. He said he ordered a huge Jack and water to drink. He said he gulped the Jack down and then pulled out the Percs and poured them out in front of him. He said he took 5 of them and popped them in with the Jack and water. He said the poor woman was looking at him like ''what the hell is this guy doing. Artie said he gulped down another 5 and said he was finally enjoying the movie that was on. He said he was asking the woman about what was going on in the movie. He said he ended up taking about 19 of the 25 he bought on the flight.
Artie said he stopped by a liquor store and got some more Jack Daniels and drank that in the car. He said he stoped by Teddy's house to get some coke. He said he was kidding about that and said it was actually weed. Artie said he went to visit his family and ended up eating about 42 sausages and 83 peppers and then his mother and sister went home crying. He said the next day he went to work and probably almost passed out.
Gary said that you'd think that the class of people in First Class wouldn't be some guy who is going to drop 25 Percasets.
Jon asked Artie if he knows the level of drugs he has to take to get high. Artie said it depends on the quality of the drugs. Artie said Steven Adler talked about the coke he did the time he overdosed and had the seizure over. That stuff was too good.
Artie asked Ralph about using ecstasy. Ralph said he doesn't do it anymore because it's not as good as it used to be. He said that he didn't stop doing it because of the reports that it's no good for you. He said those reports were a bunch of bullshit. He said that Peter Jennings did a report about it one time and they found that the claims that it wasn't good for you and really screwed people up wasn't right.
Artie said that they claim that guys can get AIDS from having heterosexual sex without a condom and that's not true either. He said that cocaine isn't addictive either. He said heroin is. He said you can stop doing blow after 10 years and you're alright.
Jon thanked Artie for the advice on the drugs. Artie said that girls should stay away from fucking anyone. He said that Jon is already fucked because he's raising his kids as Pirates fans.
Tom said he didn't have the tape of the announcement he had Moe make for his class. He said he does have a 20 minute interview with Moe Howard and some stuff with Larry Fine.
Tom said the Moe tape was in great shape. He said that some of the tapes were in bad shape but the Moe thing was great. Gary said Billy West used to do a great Larry Fine impression. Tom said maybe they could have him recreate it for them.
Gary said they have people come on the show and say they're going to do stuff and they don't come through. He loves that Tom came through for them. He said that's very nice of him to do that. Tom said he's happy to do it.
Gary said Tom was great on the National Spelling Bee show. Artie asked Tom to save time and just list the shows he has turned down. Tom got a laugh out of that.
The guys talked about that stuff with Tom and Artie goofed on him about the shows he does. They talked about the spelling bee kids and how they all look like they'll never get laid.
Gary asked Tom if he had anything to pimp this morning. Tom got in a plug for his book ''I'm Hosting as Fast as I Can!: Zen and the Art of Staying Sane in Hollywood'' even though he's not plugging anything today. He said that he has until September before he goes back to work on Dancing with the Stars.
Artie said he loves all of Tom's shows. He said he loves ''Dancing with the Fruits'' and whatever else he does. Tom said he also does America's Funniest Home Videos. He said he's been hosting for 10 years now. He said they do two shows a week. He said Bob Saget did it for 8 years.
Artie said he loves Tom because America loves him and he's still willing to bust balls. Artie said it's amazing that when Tom was 16 they actually had phones. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon moved on to talk about Aaron and Mike from Staind coming in today. He said they're huge fans and they always help them out with stuff. Jon said it seemed like they weren't going to do the songs with all of the problems they were having. That led to Jon having Teddy play the clip where Aaron went off on Scott about the way his headphones sounded.
After playing the clip Scott was in so Gary asked what happened. Scott said they were playing so badly that they deflected to him. Gary told him there's no reason to joke about this. Scott said the headphone receiver was moved and behind a curtain and the gain was turned all the way up so it was distorted.
Gary said he's not trying to kick Scott when he's down, they just want him to fix stuff and tell them that it's good to go. Scott said he's not sure how the settings got screwed up. He said they couldn't check the headphones on the air so they had to go with the settings they had earlier.
Jon asked Scott if it bothers him when Howard picks on him that way when they have guests on. Scott said it's all in fun but it should have been right from the start. Scott said there were some things that could have thrown those guys off too. He said they may have to change the way they do the set up when they have a small group like that come in.
Jon asked if he was unjustly blamed. Scott said no, it was his fault and he should have had it set right. Benjy said he was annoyed when he went off on Scott the way he did. He said they treat him like shit because they hear Howard doing it.
Gary said Aaron and Mike goof on him too and they're just huge fans of the show. He said that's the reason they were doing that stuff. Benjy said maybe they were joking around but it came off bad. Gary said he would get mad if he didn't respect them the way he does.
Jon took a call from a guy who said they do a great job and he's glad that Gary is okay. He said he can't believe the way people went off on Gary about his pitch. Gary said he'll have to do something to fix that eventually. He said that's something he can't live with.
Jon asked Yucko about the benefit thing and if he really wants him to do it. Yucko said he doesn't. He said it's just another one of those lies that he's telling. Yucko said that either Bob called Artie or Artie called Bob to do the benefit and they were going to do it. Then Artie didn't do it.
The guys asked Yucko if he expected Artie to set up the benefit show or what. Yucko said there were some things that Artie has told lately that are just a bunch of bullshit. He thinks that the helicopter landing in someone's back yard was a bunch of bullshit. He said it would have been a big story if it had been true.
Jon asked Yucko if he and Artie are friends. Yucko said they're not but they were a lot tighter back when they were working together. He said he and Artie will rub your nose in how much money he makes and it's fucked up the way he drops how much he makes to everyone. Yucko said he rubs it in everyone's face like Richard and Sal too.
Yucko said Artie seems to be like a broken record on the show talking about the money and making fun of people with the same jokes over and over again.
Jon said Yucko was saying Sal is kind of a prima Donna too these days. Yucko said that he kind of is. He said they're all tired doing the shows but Sal never sticks it out. He's nothing like Artie though. Gary said Stuttering John was getting that way too.
Jon asked Yucko and Gary about the texting and phone call thing that he and Gary had going on. Gary said he had given Kidd Chris the phone numbers that he was getting the calls from and Kidd Chris told him it was coming from Atlanta after he had tried to check it through some service he uses. He said Chris called the number and told him it sounded kind of like Yucko so that's when he realized who it was.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Artie seems to be very angry and hateful lately. He said that he was really brutal with Jimmy Kimmel and Ben Stiller too. He said he's just hateful and not funny anymore. The guy said that Artie is always joking about guys being on AZT when he makes gay jokes and it's the same stuff over and over. He said he hopes Artie can dial it back a little bit.
Jon asked the guy if he's just going over the top. Yucko said it's venom lately and he's really just uncontrollable right now. He said he knows he's going through the rough stuff right now but it's bad. He said it comes out of nowhere like with Ben Stiller. He said Ben didn't say anything to him.
Howard started the show talking about how he was driving in his car yesterday coming back from Long Island when he got a call from his agent. He had to call him back quick thinking something big was going on. He said he called back on his Blackberry Bold and he got disconnected in like 30 seconds. Howard said that thing sucks as a phone. He has a cheap $10 phone that works fine with his AT&T service but his Blackberry doesn't. Howard isn't sure why that is.
Howard said he was going nuts when that happened. He said his agent didn't know he wasn't on the phone and called him back and said that he couldn't tell that he wasn't on the line. Howard said his agent blames him and it's not his fault.
Howard said his agent told him about how David Letterman's show is asking him to come on again. Artie sarcastically said that's a big surprise. Howard said he hasn't been on that show in over a year now. He doesn't have much to say right now either. Howard said his agent asked if he wanted to do the show and he said he'd go on this coming Monday. Howard said Letterman and Conan are going to start their battle next week and this is how it's going to start.
Howard said Beth was going to get a Blackberry Bold but she sees what he's going through and she's sticking with the old Treo.
Artie said he had to get a new phone for texting and has about 3 phones for different things. He said he has to talk to his old buddies on one phone, text on another, business calls on another.
Howard asked Artie what's going on with Andy Petit on the Yankees. That led to Artie talking about how the guy is getting old, that's about it.
Howard said he was reading about A-Rod and all of the pussy he's getting. Howard said Kate Hudson is going to all of the games now and she stares at him. Howard said he's not even sure how he got her. He didn't think that he'd be able to pull that off.
Howard talked about how you'd think it would be a turn off for Kate Hudson to see A-Rod banging all of these chicks like Madonna. Howard said you'd also think that she'd have a type but she obviously doesn't. She married Chris Robinson from the Black Crows and now she's dating this baseball player. Howard said A-Rod gets them all too.
Howard got back to the Letterman thing. He said he didn't really want to go on but he will do it for Dave. Artie said he still gets excited about it when Howard goes on. Howard said he's not sure what he'll even talk to Dave about. He may talk about Jay Leno. Artie said that would be great because Dave might squirm.
Howard said he thinks that Leno is going to end up as a guest on Letterman. Howard thinks that Dave would have him on now. He said he'll ask Dave that when he goes on.
Artie told Howard to just talk all about his heroin. Howard said that's what he did the last time. Artie said that he may call his book ''Notorious P.I.G.''' Howard said he likes that. Artie said Richie Wilson suggested ''Notorious A.R.T.'' and he changed it to the PIG thing.
Howard said that is a funny title. Artie said he was thinking of calling it ''Artie Lange: College is for Losers.'' He said that's something his father once told him. Howard said he has a couple of good titles to use now.
Howard said he will bum out about the appearance on Monday and he hates feeling that pressure. Artie said he always does great though. Howard said it's too much pressure for him though. He said when he comes out he's going to tell Dave that it is too much pressure. He said the ratings, Conan and all of that is just too much. He said he can't help Dave beat Conan every night.
Artie said he once told Howard he was nervous on the two appearances he made and Howard told him that he was nervous the first 15 times he was on.
Howard said he sees the conversations they have about keeping him on the show for another segment when he goes on and he wants to tell them to talk even more about him right in front of him. Howard said he doesn't know who will be on with him on Monday but he will have something to talk about the next day.
Howard said he was on with Sharon Stone one time and they made him walk out past the garbage. He said she should have been the one walking out past the garbage.
Gary said this guy Mos Def is going to be on Letterman on Monday with Howard. Gary said he's a great actor and also a rapper. Gary said he doesn't like his rap stuff but he's a great actor.
Howard said he hopes he doesn't have to walk out past the trash when Mos Def is there. Howard said it's like pulling teeth when he goes over there.
Howard took a call from a guy who suggested that someone other than Ralph dress him for Letterman. He suggested Beth. Howard said Beth does get involved.
Howard said Ross Zapin came over recently and told him to get some AG jeans. Howard said jeans never fit him so he took his advice and checked them out. He's never found a pair that fit him right. The caller interrupted and said that Howard wearing cargo pants is just wrong. Howard said his hips look good in those things because his body is shaped strange. Howard said he's awkward looking and those pants help.
Howard said he was named on the ugliest sexy men list and Jillian Barberie was upset about it. Artie said he heard the guy interviewed and he thinks the guy is a little bit off. He told Howard he has to hear the clip of Langford interviewing him.
Howard said he picked up some of these AG jeans and now he's ordered like 500 of the same pair. He said Robin must not have noticed. He said he likes these AG jeans now.
Howard said dressing him is very tricky. He said this caller can put down Ralph all he wants but Ralph knows what he's doing. The caller told him to get some tailor fit jeans if it's that bad. Howard said no one does that, you just want to be able to buy jeans and wear them.
Howard said he may wear a suit on that show. He said he didn't give an ounce of thought early on when he went on. Artie said he still has it on tape the first time Howard went on. He was wearing black leather pants and brown cowboy boots in 1985. Howard said Ralph has helped him out a lot over the years with that.
Howard said he will wear a suit he almost got married in. He said he wore a different suit to his wedding but this is the one he almost wore. Howard said he will look terrific. Artie said he will kill when he goes on too.
The caller suggested that Artie name his book ''From Jersey to Heaven'' with a picture of him standing at the Lincoln Tunnel. Howard said that wasn't funny but maybe Artie would throw that into the mix.
Another caller told Howard about how to buy jeans and Howard told the guy he doesn't know clothing very well so he has to have someone dress him. That's what Ralph's job is. The caller said he sounds like a faggot when he says his hips look big. Howard told the guy it's not gay to say you want to look nice. Howard said it's the guys who call in and say that he didn't look good that's gay.
Howard said this is the reason he doesn't want to do Letterman and he hasn't even gone on the show yet. Howard said everyone is making a big deal out of this and he had to get out of it.
Artie said he never cares what he looks like. He knows he looks like shit but he doesn't do anything about it. He watches the show back and sees just how bad he looked and thinks that he has to do something next time. Howard said Toni is going to come by and fix his hair and Ralph will be there to help him dress.
Howard said Denise was in that movie and he thinks she showers in it. Fred wasn't sure if it was her. Howard said he remembers how hot she was in that movie and how he figured she was going to have a huge career. She was also a Bond girl in one of the James Bond movies.
Artie talked about her being in Wild Things too. He said he dropped his date off so he could go home and jerk off to her. Artie said she was the hottest chick ever in that movie. Howard said she's doing a reality show now and he's not sure what her life has been like.
Howard said Kathy Griffin is coming in today too. Artie said Kathy is looking really good lately. He said it's going to be two super hot, funny chicks on the show today.
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The guys talked about Monica Selles making a lot of noise too. He said the guys who reffed the games ended up complaining about that and told her to settle down. Howard said he met Monica one time and she's a nice lady. Howard said she's real quiet and reserved and she's like the sweetest girl.
Howard talked about this DJ Spyder Harris that he's been talking about lately. He said he always wanted to sound like guys like this but his father always told him he could never do it. Howard said he was impressed by guys like this Spyder Harrison. He said his career would be awful if he had been able to sound like that though.
Howard played some audio of Spyder Harrison doing his thing on Sirius Hits 1. Howard said he has a thing going on there that he can't even impersonate. Howard said it's very unique.
Howard said he wants to run into this guy and hear if he sounds like that in person. Howard said he could never do that. Howard tried to do the impression of Spyder but screwed up his mic doing it.
Fred looked up this Spyder Harrison and thought he was black. He had looked up ''Spider'' though and this guy is actually ''Spyder.'' Gary said that Spyder does different names and goes on different channels there. Howard said he likes this guy.
Lisa G came in and said that she loves this guy's voice. She said he's 6'1'' tall and a nice Jewish guy from Brooklyn. She said that he's on her Facebook page. She said that he loves Cousin Brucie.
Lisa said he's thin and his friends gave him the nickname ''Spyder.'' Lisa said he just got married to his high school sweetheart.
Gary said that he was known as ''The Jammer'' in the 80s. Lisa said he was on Z-100. Artie said he can remember turning him off every day back then. Robin read that he had started radio at the age of 15. Howard said when you have a voice like that you can do that.
Howard said he knew who Sanjaya was and Janice Dickinson. He said he asked Sanjaya if he was gay when he was on his show and he looked him in the eye and said he was into girls. Howard said he doesn't believe him. He said he bought it when he was in there but not anymore. Howard said this kid he just can't believe he's straight. Howard said he volunteered to massage this actor on the show, Lou Diamond Phillips. Howard said Sanjaya has been offering to do a lot of weird things on that show.
Artie said you never see Sanjaya giving a foot massage while watching a Yankees game. Howard said he watched The Bachelorette last night too. Artie asked if his hips looked big while he was watching that. Howard said they did but his wife was watching the show with him. Howard said he and Beth usually have sex after watching those shows.
Howard said he loves The Bachelorette. He said he struggled to watch the show at first but now he loves it. He said there's a guy on the show who is very into feet. Howard said the guy is always telling the woman that he's into feet and she keeps him on. Howard said the guy isn't good looking and she has to be creeped out by him. Howard said the guy is always touching her feet too.
Howard said you'd think she'd be creeped out by all of that but she seems to love the guy. Howard had some clips from the show that he played. They had the foot guy talking about how much he loves feet. Then he tells the Bachelorette about how much he loves them. He thinks he can find a woman to marry just by looking at her feet.
The Bachelorette had no problem with the feet stuff. Howard said you think that the guy is keeping that a secret from her but he actually told her about it. Howard said she has the worst judgment in guys obviously. Howard said he loves to watch people and this show is right up his alley.
Howard said no one would want to be with this chick either. He said he's not sure why they're all carrying on about her.
Howard said he started with ''I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here'' and they talk about this Heidi and Spencer and he has no idea who they are. They're on this show and he has no idea who they are. Artie said he knows who they are, he's seen them on ''The Hills.'' He said you want to stab every one of them on that show. Artie said he has passed by and seen it and he hates it.
Howard said those two are the most compelling train wrecks on the planet. He said they're great on reality TV but they're no talents.
Howard said Janice Dickinson is out of her mind. He said she says things that make no sense. She's had her face pulled back and made a mess out of it. Howard said he saw that John Salley was crying on that show too. He hasn't seen that segment yet. Robin said she thinks he gets into a fight with Janice too. She wants to see that.
Artie said Stuttering John cried on ''I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here'' and that's how he got the job with Leno. Artie said John started to cry when he got a letter from his wife and a woman from the Tonight Show thought he was so sensitive that they had him on the show. Howard said he thought he could stay up and watch all of that stuff but he was up way too late.
Artie said he did a book signing in Philly last night and 5 hot chicks came up to him crying. He said they asked if Howard was really leaving and they were literally crying over it. Artie said they said he can't leave radio.
Howard said he has to move things along because he has guests coming in. He said he'd better take a break now and get to Lisa G. He went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. Lisa said they have a story about the parking garage guy who busts Gary's balls all the time. She asked why he makes fun of him. The guy told her that it's easy to goof on him. She said he makes fun of him about his pitch among other things.
Howard said more reports have come out about Gary's pitch. Artie just bummed him out too. Howard said Artie likes that Anne Murray song ''Dreaming'' and he has it on his iPod. Artie changed the picture that comes up when the song plays and it's a picture of Gary pitching. Howard said Gary saw it and he got really upset and left the studio.
Howard said the pitch thing is way out of hand. He played some of the clips they had pulled from various news reports. There was one where a pitcher was talking about how hard it is to go out and pitch. Then the announcer asked if he had pulled ''a Baba Booey.'' Gary said it was actually them talking to a football player about throwing out a pitch.
Howard said they discussed the pitch on Sports Center too. Howard played that clip and the announcer was talking about Mr. T pitching and getting it to the catcher, unlike Gary Dell'Abate.
Edie Falco threw out a pitch and it was a decent one. Howard played the audio of her being interviewed about it. She stood on the mound behind the rubber. She was supposed to be in front of it. The announcer said he didn't know what that first pitch meant for Baba Booey. Howard said this stuff goes on and on and on.
Howard said they had a bunch of other clips. He played another one where some announcers were talking about some opening pitches and they had Gary's awful pitch in there and made fun of him about that. One guy said he was the best producer ever for faking that pitch so people all around America could goof on him.
Artie said he can't get anyone to let him throw out a pitch but the Trenton Thunder, a minor league team, is going to let him throw out a pitch. Artie said it's not as much pressure as Gary had but he will put his money where his mouth is and do it.
Gary said it's totally not the same thing. Gary said it would be meaningless for him to do that because he doesn't care about that team. Gary said it depends on where you do it and it won't be pressure for him like it would be if he did it in Yankee stadium. Fred told them that they should each pitch at the game and have a pitch off.
Gary was trying to back out of it and said that this won't be the same pressure for him. Gary said Artie should throw a first pitch at Yankee stadium. Artie said he can't because Yankee stadium doesn't exist anymore. He said they just have that pussy stadium they built next door to it.
Gary said he's not going to do this in a place like that. He said if he's going to redeem himself, he's going to do it in a big place that matters to him.
Artie asked Gary if he would go up against Valerie Bertinelli. Gary didn't answer but Artie cracked himself up. Fred told Gary he should do this to prove that he can pitch.
Howard said poor Gary has the penis thing going on. Gary said today is the worst day yet. He said he's already peed 6 times this morning and it's only 7:15.
Howard asked Gary about the stent he has in his penis and it's making him pee often. Gary said he doesn't pee a lot, he just has to pee often. Gary said it's the worst. He gets the stent out a week from tomorrow. Gary said he has to keep it in all that time and he's not sure if he's going to be suffering like this the whole week.
Gary said he had no indication that this was going to go on. He said the stinging has gone away but he has that feeling he has to pee really bad all the time.
Howard said he was talking to his buddy Pat about the kidney stones and he said you have to stay hydrated. Gary said he drinks nothing but water. He said he doesn't drink soda and he's always had water. Howard said he thinks the Tums did him in. Howard said those things are loaded with calcium and that's what cause the stones. Howard said even he's changed his diet since hearing about Gary's problems.
Robin was arguing about whether or not kidney stones could be hereditary. Howard said they can but Robin said that you can have a proclivity to have something like that but you still have to eat and drink to bring them on. She said it doesn't mean you'll get it just because of that. She said if you live the same way as your family did then you might get them but you won't definitely get them.
Gary said his mother had kidney stones all the time. Howard said he does have it in his family history. Robin said he has a very bad diet. Howard asked if his mother does too. Gary wasn't sure.
Artie said he has something hereditary and it's being really loud and interrupting great radio hosts.
Lisa got back to her news preview and said that John the Stutterer is saying he won't do his show anymore if he has to work with Sean again.
Lisa also said that George Takei has spoken out about the same sex marriage ban in California. She said she has a lot more with George and gave some of the details of that.
Howard asked what George is up to these days. No one was sure. He'll be coming back on the show in a couple of months. That led to the guys talking about how great the Sulu character was in the new Star Trek movie and how good it made George look. Howard said he loved that movie. Howard was thinking that he should take a break so they could get to their guests on time.
Howard said they have another version of Win Fred's Money coming up next week. He said they also have Francis Ford Coppola, Guess the Tranny and a lot more guests coming in soon. He went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that everyone out in the hall was in love with Denise Richards. He said Gary said she had everyone under her spell. Howard had her come in a short time later.
Howard said Denise was looking good and liked the dress she was wearing. Howard said she's super hot. He asked her if her life was ever tough growing up. Howard said there's no way she was ugly growing up. Howard said his face, on the other hand, was tough to grow up with. Denise said she did go through an awkward stage.
Howard asked Denise when she got hot. She said it was probably 8th grade when she got her braces off. Howard asked if guys gave her too much attention and if she had guys molesting her. She said she didn't have that problem.
Denise said that her father was very strict with her and her sister. She said her father took the door off their bedroom so they couldn't sneak out. She said she was a virgin until she was 18. Howard asked about the guy who took her virginity. She said he didn't hold out too long. Howard said it's no wonder with the way she looks. Howard said he's been with girls 500 pounds heavier and he can't hold out.
Howard and Robin asked her about when she got into acting. She said she was approached to model at first. She said she always wanted to act though so it was an easy transition. Howard asked her if Starship Troopers was her first big film. She said it was.
Howard said he loved Starship Troopers and used to beat off to her image. Howard said he's seen the movie like 10 times. Howard said he remembered being a young kid beating off to it but then Robin and Artie pointed out to him that he was actually 43 when he did that. Howard said he thought about what a creep he was doing that.
Howard said Denise was also a Bond girl. She was in Wild Things. Artie said that was the greatest movie ever. Howard asked if she had ever gotten into chicks. She said that she has experimented a couple of times. Howard asked if they were other actresses. She said they were and it was just a little touching. Howard asked if she was touching breasts. She said she did and the other women touched her too.
Denise said the women she was with will remain nameless even though Howard probably knows them. Denise said she isn't really bi-sexual, she just experimented a couple of times. She said she loves men.
Howard said he pictures Denise at a Hollywood party, which meant beautiful people, and she probably found herself attracted to these women. Denise said they came on to her though. She said they don't do it in front of other people though. They go into a private room. Howard asked how the shirts came off. Denise said they just came off. Artie asked how you get a girl's shirt off. He wasn't familiar with that.
Howard asked Denise about being friends with Pam Anderson. Howard asked if that's the woman she messed around with. She said they did kiss on film. She said they did a film together and they decided to kiss and the producers had no problem with that even though it didn't even fit in the movie.
Howard asked Denise about going out with Scott Baio. She said she just went on a couple of dates with him. Howard said Scott has had sex with just about every hot girl. Howard said Scott claimed that Denise wasn't that great in bed. Howard said Scott said she was a 3 in bed. She said she never did anything sexual with him. Maybe that's why she got a 3.
Denise said that she didn't even give him a blow job. Artie applauded her for that. Denise said she ran into Scott on Easter and his wife was very nice. She said she didn't really like Scott romantically and she was only 22 at the time. She said she wanted to put it on the record that she didn't do anything sexual with him.
Howard asked Denise about who she's dating now. She said she hates dating and she's really not seeing anyone. She said she has been having sex though.
Howard said he wanted to talk to her about marrying Charlie Sheen when she did that. She said she has two great kids from that marriage so that's the good thing that came out of it. She said that she and Charlie are in a good place now and they've worked hard to get there.
Howard said he read that Denise goes to lunch with Charlie's new wife. She said she did meet her for lunch when they had the kids. Denise said that Charlie was doing really well when she met him at first. She said that she married him and she's not sorry she did it. She has two beautiful daughters because of that.
Howard asked Denise about Heather Locklear and everything she went through with her and Richie Sambora. Howard said he was shocked that Richie got her. Denise said Richie was great in bed. Howard asked if he was better than Charlie in bed. Denise said that Pam Anderson was better. She said she just said that to get off the subject.
Howard wondered if he could give her an orgasm. Denise said if you hit the right spot it's not too hard. Howard is pretty sure he couldn't reach that far. Howard said he's heard that Richie is pretty big in the pants. He's never seen it but that's what he's heard. Howard asked if he's painful to be with. She told Howard that he's funny.
Howard asked Denise about dating John Stamos. She said she's known him since she was 19. Denise said she has had sex with him and he is good in bed. Denise said John wasn't able to be with someone who had kids and she has kids so they just didn't stay together. She said that he loves kids but he doesn't want to be with someone who has them.
Howard asked how John made the move to get her. She said she was 19 at the time and he was still on Full House. She said they stayed friends over the years even after that. Howard said he's tired of John getting these women. He said women just automatically fall for him. Howard said there aren't people who look any better than John and Denise.
Howard asked Denise about Heather Locklear and how they were very good friends for a while. Denise said she met her through Charlie when they were working together. Howard got sidetracked and asked if she still wears a bikini. She said she does.
Howard asked Denise about leaving Charlie Sheen when she was 6 months pregnant. She said she was the one who left. She said they got back together for a short time after the baby was born but then they broke it off again.
Denise said her father helps her out a lot with the kids now. She said that allows her to go out on dates and stuff.
Denise said when she got together with Richie, he was already divorced from Heather. She said that she and Heather were friendly before that but now she doesn't miss being friends with her. She said they were very different and it had nothing to do with Richie. She said that they were both single at the time and she and Heather weren't friends at the time either. Denise said it was portrayed differently than it actually was.
Denise said that she and Richie both had parents who got cancer around the same time and things were hard with Heather so they weren't able to stay together. Howard said he can't imagine anything being that bad that he wouldn't be able to bang Denise.
Howard asked Denise if she has this reputation of being crazy. Denise said she just lets most stuff blow over. She said that she had to change her phone number because of the Heather stuff. She said that there were a lot of untrue things in the media around that time. She said she wishes Heather well but she hasn't seen her in a long time.
Howard told Denise she should have saved the voice mails and done a one woman play based on them. Howard said he imagines the C-word being thrown out there. Denise said that was thrown out. Howard asked if she's afraid to go to a party these days. She said she doesn't worry about that. She said she'd be okay if she ran into her.
Howard asked if things have gotten better now. She said they have. Denise said she likes doing her TV show now. She said that the reality show stuff has the same hours as a scripted show so it's not so bad. She said she's been doing some movies too so things are good.
Howard asked Denise if she has to work. She said she actually does. Howard read that she got $52,000 a month from Charlie for child support. She said that's true. Howard read that she also gets $60,000 in alimony for 2 years. She may also get some of the money from ''Two and a Half Men.'' She said she hasn't gotten that money yet even though Charlie claims that she got $40 million.
Howard asked where she's living now. She said she lives near the beach in Malibu. Artie asked her for the address and had asked for her phone number earlier.
Howard asked Denise about her reality TV show and how that's going. She said they shot more this season than she shot last season. They were on and off shooting it though. they don't just follow her around, it's pretty structured. She said it's more structured than you'd think.
Howard said Denise did Playboy and Charlie encouraged her to do it. She said that was true until the magazine actually came out. She said he wasn't too keen on the idea but came around. Then she did it and he wasn't happy about it. Howard said he thinks she had a little bush in that shoot. She said she did leave a triangle there. She said she didn't want naked lips there. She wanted to feel a little covered.
Howard asked Denise if she still keeps the triangle. Artie said he's fine with that little triangle. Howard said he'd prefer the naked lips. Howard said he'd never leave her if she had naked lips. Artie said he would date her if she was wearing a t-shirt that said ''I Love Hitler.''
Howard asked Denise if she has a male or female gynecologist. She said he is a man. She said he's in his late 40s and she's been going to him for about 6 years. Howard asked who suggested him to her. She said it was actually Heather Locklear.
Howard said when she walks in the door the guy must be the happiest man on the planet. Howard said this is a rare instance when a woman like her walks in. Howard asked if she likes having a guy. She said she just wants a good doctor.
Denise said this doctor is very good and he's very professional. She said he has never done anything inappropriate with her. Howard said it must be mind blowing to have a woman like that when you're a gynecologist. Howard said he must talk to his friends about that.
Howard asked if she will ever have a sex video come out and if she has ever taped anything. She said she always said no to people. She said that one boyfriend taped it but the video was really bad. She said they erased it immediately. She said it was a bad angle and bad lighting. Howard said Denise can't have a bad angle.
Howard asked Denise if she would date a black guy. She said she would. Howard asked who the ugliest guy is that she dated. Howard said she's been out with some good looking guys. Howard said it might be Richie Sambora. She said that he's a good looking man. Howard said he knows that but maybe he's not the best of the bunch she's had.
Howard asked Denise what she was wearing under that dress. She said she had a thong on. Artie asked if they could see it. She laughed. Denise said she had some things over her nipples too. She said they're called nipple covers and she's never worn them until today.
Denise said that she has breast implants too. She said she's never talked about that before and suggested that young girls not do it. She said that she had them done when she came out to L.A. and she was pretty flat chested at the time. She said that the implants were way too big for her body at the time. She said they didn't suit her and had to have 3 operations to get them right. She said the next guy put bigger ones in and they were way too big. Denise said she was an A-cup and she just anted to fill a B-cup but the doctor put in D-cups.
Howard gave Denise some plugs for her reality TV show. Ralph called in and asked if they could take a picture of her and put it up on the web site. Denise was fine with that. Howard said she was wearing some hot leopard print pumps. Howard said Jason didn't get a good shot of Brooke Hogan yesterday.
Jason took some shots of Denise and said that he had taken some good shots of Brooke yesterday. Jason said he'd send these shots over to Doug Hurwitt so he could get them uploaded.
Robin said that Charlie Sheen must have had a hard time having a wife after all of his sexual conquests. Denise said he did have a hard time with her being his wife. She said that they didn't last long because of that.
Howard said he would have to bend her over a chair and last just a few seconds with her. He said that most guys must finish fast. She said she's had some good lovers who last a long time though.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked if she gives a blow job to completion. Denise laughed. Howard asked her if she's willing to swallow that. She said that she does that. She said that if she spit it out, it might be an insult to people. Robin said she has no problem insulting anyone. Howard said that's very hot that Denise does that.
Howard said he feels bad for a woman doing that and tells them that they don't have to do that for him. Denise said she would swallow Howard's. Artie said that she's the best guest of all time.
Another caller asked Denise about the third input. Howard said Robin has some experience with that. Howard asked Denise if she's into that anal sex thing. Denise said she wouldn't shut it down, she'd be up for it. Artie said he had to leave the room hearing this stuff. Howard told him to go out and jerk off and come back then.
Howard asked Denise if she likes anal. She said she actually does. Denise said she prefers the other but she does like that too. Howard asked if it's possible to achieve an orgasm. She said it is if you do other things with that.
Howard told Denise about the guy Robin had out in San Francisco who took her from behind in a bathroom. Denise told Robin she has to hear more about this. Robin said she didn't love it, it just happened and it wasn't that bad. The caller on the line told Howard not to end this interview. Artie said they're going to keep her in there for the next 18 months.
Howard said that Denise hasn't defecated in her life either. He said that's how hot she is. Howard said she must keep that whole thing hidden from guys. She said ''Oh yeah...''
Howard gave Denise some more plugs for her show ''It's Complicated'' that will be airing on Sunday nights on E!. Denise said that Ryan Seacrest is one of the producers on the show. She said they have a good relationship abut she hasn't slept with him. Howard asked if she's into him. She said he is handsome but he knows too much about her. She said if he asked her out she would probably go out with him. Howard said she would probably give him ass play and swallow his cum too.
Howard asked Denise to promise to never date Ryan. She wouldn't do that. Howard said he hopes that Ryan is gay. She said she doesn't get that feeling from him at all.
Howard took another call from a guy who said hi to Denise from where she lives. He was trying to sell her a house that's for sale on his street. Howard said getting out of that town in Illinois must be nice. She said she went back and visited that old house she grew up in and it was kind of fun.
Howard took another call from a guy who had an F, Marry Kill game for her. He gave her Stamos, Sheen and Sambora. Howard said she has to F one, marry one and kill one. Howard told Denise she had to do it. Denise laughed and said that she would have to say that Charlie would have to be killed. She said she was sorry about that but had to do it. She said that it was a toss up with Stamos and Sambora. She said she was sweating over this one. She said she would fuck John and marry Richie. Artie said she was the greatest guest they've ever had after hearing that.
The caller said he beat his dick to a pulp to Wild Things. Artie said in the words of the great Bob Levy, he beat his dick like it owed him money.
Howard asked Denise about doing Dancing with the Stars. She said her kids love the show so that's why she did it. Artie said they love it because they're two. Denise said they're actually 4 and 5.
Another caller asked if she likes to have her ass spanked. She said she's had that done. They've all done that to her. Howard asked if it's fun for a girl. She said it is as long as it's not too hard. Denise also said she doesn't mind hair pulling. She doesn't like choking though.
The caller asked her to describe the kiss between her and Neve Campbell in Wild Things, very slowly. She said that they didn't have time for that. Artie said he'd want to hear that but he had already finished.
Denise said she was going to do Regis and Kelly this morning. Howard figured that Regis wouldn't be asking her about anal. Artie did his impression of him for a second. Artie said he's going to have to watch her show and this is the first guest that has made him change his TiVo from Sports Center to ''It's Complicated.''
Ralph called back and said that she should keep the kids off the show. She said that they're only on for like 30 seconds in the whole series. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and took a call from a guy who said that this week has been great with Gilbert and Denise Richards. He said her saying dirty words was great and he wanted her to read off a list. Howard said the guys here were all going nuts over Denise. He said that's a fun girl.
Howard said two of the guys there had called their divorce attorney already. Howard said they want Denise that bad. Artie said she was stunning and so sweet. He said he and Norm used to have a list of people who were only good on the Howard Stern Show. He said that she's not one of them but he used to think she was a bitch but now they all love her. Robin said she was trying to forget all of the nasty things they had said about her in the past.
A caller said that he loved that interview and doesn't want him to let Kathy Griffin come in. He said her voice is way too annoying. Howard told him to go listen to something else if he didn't want to hear her. Artie said Kathy is very funny.
The caller didn't like the way Artie treated Yucko yesterday. Artie said Yucko has been venomous when he's gone off on his father. He did apologize to Howard for going off on the caller though.
Artie asked Kathy how Richie Sambora's cock is. She said it's nice at first but then it gets painful and it ends up being a lot of Astroglide.
Howard asked Kathy about being on CNN doing a show with Anderson Cooper. She was heckled that night and she ended up cursing him out and lost the job because of it. It turns out that it was Benjy who was heckling her. Benjy said he had run to Times Square that night, it was New Year's Eve, and he tried yelling out to her and Kathy cursed him out.
Howard played the audio of Kathy telling the guy to shut up and told him to get a job and said that she doesn't go to his job and knock the dicks out of his mouth. This was on CNN. Howard asked if they immediately came to her and asked her for a statement. Kathy said they did. Howard asked what happened after that.
Kathy said she could have said something worse like using the C-word. She said she thought they had gone to commercial and then they told her that it had gone out live. She turned to Anderson Cooper and asked if she was fired. She said he said no and they could say ''dicks'' no problem on CNN.
Howard said Kathy seems to be able to keep friends even though she always tells stories about her friends that are supposed to be secrets. Kathy said she was at an awards show last night and Maya Angelou was there and she is insufferable. She said it was so hard to listen to her talking.
Howard said he knows what Kathy is talking about with that Maya Angelou. He said that she goes on and on with Oprah all the time.
Kathy said that she heard people saying that they couldn't believe that they were in the same room with ''Dr. Angelou.'' Artie said she's more like Dr. Dre than a real doctor. Howard said Oprah has a channel there on Sirius XM and gave Dr. Angelou her own radio show.
Kathy said that she had a Newsweek story about Oprah where they ask if she's gone too far. Kathy said that Oprah has lost her mind. Kathy said she has been on her show once and she's used to being on many shows only once. Kathy said she has a picture of herself on Oprah's show and that's the first thing she'd save if her house caught on fire.
Kathy said that she was on Oprah talking about plastic surgery with the Extreme Makeover people. She said the guy who was on that show that day was the guy who allegedly killed Kanye West's mother. She said she didn't get to meet him that day though.
Howard asked Kathy if she's done with plastic surgery now. She said she thinks she is. She said it didn't really do anything for her though. She said she hasn't had any work done since she was on last. She has had some Botox and has some fake eyelashes on. Kathy said she has also lost some weight. Artie said she lost 220 pounds... her ex-husband.
Howard said he thinks that Kathy is good in bed. He said she once said on the show that she likes to suck on a man even after he has been inside of her. He said that's hot.
Howard gave Kathy some plugs for some upcoming appearances and said that you can find out more at KathyGriffin.net.
Howard said that Kathy has become friends with Rosie O'Donnell. Kathy said that she is getting some mentors on her show to get off the D-list. She said that's how she got Rosie to work with her. Kathy also said that she had some other people like T.I. the rapper. He's in jail right now. Kathy said they gave him a year and a day but he got it knocked down to 2 months and community service. Howard said he was genuinely sorry for what he did and that's why he got it knocked down.
Kathy said that she asked T.I. to call Justin Timberlake on her show and this won't make it to the air. She said that Justin thinks that he's black and she wanted to hear him on the phone. Kathy said that when T.I. calls everyone picks up. She said that Justin and T.I. were talking so black that they were just making guttural sounds by the end of it. Kathy said that Justin was more black than T.I. even was.
Howard wondered why Justin talks like that. She said that he just ants to sell records and he wants the street cred for doing that.
Howard asked Kathy about how she became friends with Cher. Kathy said that she met her through Rosie O'Donnell and she actually went to her house for Christmas Eve. Howard said Cher must know that she's going to talk about her. Kathy said that she doesn't think she cares that much about that.
Kathy said that she would like to do some ''sexting'' on her cell phone. She said that's when you take a sexy shot on your phone and send it to someone else. She said that's what Miley Cyrus did with one of the Jonas Brothers. She said she would like to do that with someone who can get her publicity.
Howard said Kathy had lifted up her shirt and she had a six pack. Kathy said she's been working out a lot. She said her boobs are real too and not implants like Howard thought.
Howard asked Kathy more about Cher and she told Howard about how they order from Nobu and they deliver to her. Howard said they don't even deliver to him. Kathy told Howard about Cher's closet and how she wears sweats and no make up around the house. She said they just hang out.
Kathy said that they actually eat in the bathroom at Cher's house but it's huge. She said that there's a bed in the bathroom and she has a great view from the room. She said the bathroom is the size of Howard's studio at least.
Kathy said she brought her mom to Cher's house on Christmas Eve. She said she brought her whole family and hung out with Cher, her mom and her sister.
Howard asked if they go pee in the bathroom too. Kathy said she got a hair cut from Jose Ebare in the bathroom one day. Howard said that's an extravagant lifestyle she has going on there.
Kathy also talked about Suzanne Somers and how she is selling everything possible these days. She said she's friends with her too. Howard asked how she wormed her way into her life. Kathy said she's also friends with Gloria Estefan. She said she met her through Rosie O'Donnell too.
Howard gave Kathy some plugs for her show ''My Life On the D List.'' He asked if she went back on The View or something recently. She said she didn't. Kathy said she met that Heidi and Spencer, who are known as ''Speidi.'' She said that they're the ones who are on The Hills and ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.'' Kathy said they're not all that great.
Kathy talked about going to a party and seeing ''Speidi'' there. She said that some friends of her's ditched her there and she said that she really didn't want to talk to them. She said that the guy came over to her and looked like he had just come back from a date rape. Kathy said Spencer said that he was a media whore just like her. She said that was a D-list moment for her.
Kathy was asking Howard what kind of guy he'd suggest for her. Howard thought about it but Artie was aheming her trying to get her attention. Kathy said that Artie had just broken her heart when he told her that he was seeing someone new. Howard said Artie is seeing someone right now.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she'll be going to see Kathy where she lives and she loves her. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that her husband is in love with her. Mariann said she was turned on to her because of her husband.
Another caller asked Kathy if she shaved her pussy this morning. She said she trims but she's not bald down there.
A woman called in and said she's also on the D-list and said she wrote a book. She said the book sold a million copies and she isn't famous for it. It's called ''Is Your Mama A Llama.'' Howard let her get in the plug but she was very chatty and he had to hang up on her.
Kathy said she has a book coming out in September. She said it was a $2 million deal. Artie heard that and said that his book agent is fired now.
Ralph called in and said that Kathy shouldn't be going to award shows in a bikini. She said it was a joke. She said it was for her TV show. Ralph said no one knows that though. Kathy said she was trying to do something funny. Ralph said she thinks she's super hot and she's not. Kathy said she's not going to ''sext'' him then.
Howard wrapped up with Kathy and gave her some more plugs before going to break.
Howard came back and got Mike Walker on the line to play his game. He gave Mike some plugs before getting to the game. He told Mike about the Denise Richard's interview too. Mike sounded surprised by some of the stuff Howard told him. Howard asked for a job at the National Enquirer.
Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Mike said that he used the same story back in 2004 as the fake one. He said he wanted to see if they would remember that story. Mike said he actually bought a dead man's suits one time and it turned out to be the friend of one of his reporters. That's where he came up with that story.
Howard said Ralph once bought him a pair of boots and they looked like a homeless man's boots. It turned out they were from a thrift shop and they were from a dead man. Howard said that creeped him out and there was no way he was going to wear them. He said that's a heavy move to do something like that.
Howard told Mike that he's going to be on David Letterman on Monday so he had to stop the presses to get that out there. Mike was writing it down as he spoke.
Artie said he bought his second car for $100. It was a 1970 Nova. He said he and his buddy were driving down to the shore one day and he opened the ashtray and there were 100 cigarettes in the ashtray with lipstick on them. It was from this woman who had died of emphysema and his buddy smoked one of the butts that was in there with lipstick on it.
Steve said he has an interview with Jack Murdigan who called Howard an ugly man in an article. Steve said he spoke with him and he pointed out that Howard isn't ''that ugly'' but also said that Marilyn Manson is in there too and he looks similar to Howard.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that Denise Richards was on Regis and was wearing a white dress. Howard said she probably switched it up for them. Jeff also said that Artie should call his book ''Dancing With A Loser.''
Steve said that there was an article about Andy Richter and Conan O'Brien's banter on the Tonight Show and how it's much more than Stuttering John ever had with Jay Leno.
Steve said that Artie's old phone number that he gave out on the air one day is now owned by a business owner. The guy who owns the business is Paul Caprio and he gets calls from fans all the time.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down the list of things they'd be talking about today.
Howard was wondering about Conan's ratings were since that came up during Steve's report. Gary said he got the ratings info and Conan's ratings dropped from a high of a 7.0 on Monday to a 4.2 last night. Howard said he likes Conan a lot and there may be some Leno fans who will go away. He has to find a new audience. Howard said he thinks he's in for a rough ride in that time slot. Howard said he thinks that Leno is thrilled about this.
Gary said that Dave's ratings have been repeats all week so his ratings have been around a 3.0 the whole time. Howard said he loves Dave and he was kind enough to give him a shot on his show. That's why he's going on that show on Monday night. He said it's not a ''fuck you'' to Conan. He said that he will do Conan's show too.
Jon ran through some more subjects for the Wrap Up Show and then got Mutt on the line to promote tonight's show. Mutt said they'll be talking about Artie and how the fans have been saying he's shot out of a cannon. He said they'll talk about Gilbert Gottfried as well. Mutt said they'll talk about Jackie refusing to do the roast too. Howard said he got a note from Jackie about the iPhone app that just came out. Howard said Tim Sabean played it for him. He said Jackie is very close to breaking into the top 100 apps right now. Jackie suggested that if anyone wants to buy it, they should buy it now so he can break into the top 100. Howard said Jackie seems to think he cares if he breaks into the top 100. He's not sure why that is.
Howard told Ralph he's going to be wearing a suit to Letterman on Monday so he won't have to dress him. Howard said he does a good job doing that stuff though.
Howard said Ralph knows him well enough to find the right clothes for him. He said he hates shopping himself and Ralph doesn't mind going out and doing that stuff. Howard said he was never good at dressing himself and looked like a retard on Letterman the first time he was on.
Howard said he never cared in the past but then it got to him when his fans would go off on him about the way he looked even though they didn't want him to care how he looked.
Howard said Ralph will be helping him out with what he wears on Letterman but he does have a say in what he wears. He said it's not all up to Ralph.
Ralph asked if they're going to have some time to try on some options. Howard said no. He said this time he's got this suit that he had tailored at Tom Ford. Howard said he went for a bunch of fittings to get this thing fitted. Howard said he wants to wear this other suit that he had made just in case he wanted to wear it to his wedding. Howard said Ralph's assignment is to pick out a shirt for him. He told him to bring 5 shirts with him. Ralph said that's not a good plan. Howard told him to just do it.
Howard said he won't have time on Monday to do this. He has to go over to Letterman on Monday. Ralph said he should work on this over the weekend.
Ralph said that they're not going to be able to try on clothes there at Letterman. Howard said he has like 5,000 people in that room and it's tiny so Ralph is right.
Artie asked Howard if he's ever been upset with the way he looks after Ralph dressed him. He said he has. He said that he did that Rolling Stone cover one time and he looks at it now and gets mad at Ralph. He put him in a puffy shirt and a vest. He said he looks horrible in it. Artie said it's like the pirate shirt in Seinfeld.
Howard said that's the only time he really got upset with Ralph. He said he looks back at some of the stuff he was wearing years ago and it looks awful but that was just the style.
Ralph said that Beth was on Rachel Ray this morning. Howard said it must be a repeat. Ralph said it must be because she's talking about the wedding but it's still worth checking out.
Howard said Carradine was kind of out there and always had a new wife. Gary said the first time he did the show back at NBC he had kids with funny names like America and Freedom. Gary said he thinks that he was ready to kick the crap out of Howard when he made fun of those names.
Artie said that David Carradine was at the Shatner roast he did. He said that he was killing but David Carradine looked like he wanted to snap his neck in half. He said he wasn't laughing. He said he was very intimidating.
Robin said that Forbes has come out with the most powerful people in show business. They had Angelina above Oprah Winfrey. Howard asked where Dr. Roni is on that list. Robin said she's not on that list. Howard said he was shocked. Artie asked where Dane Cook was. Robin said she didn't see him on there. She read off some of the other top 10 and Jennifer Aniston was on the list. Howard said he's not sure what she's up to but it seems like she's making a movie every day of her life. Artie said he's seen some of her movies and one of them was just horrible. He said that it was such a chick flick that he had to go and take a shit to get away from it.
Howard Stern was on the Forbes list at number 34. Leno was 43, Letterman was 14. Howard wondered why he's only number 34. He said he thinks that he could be more powerful than Beyonce. Howard said he has his own TV channel and brought in millions of subscribers to satellite radio. Artie said his book debuted on the New York Times best seller list at number 1. Of course Howard has more power. Robin read more of the names on the list and Howard said he is no longer going to talk to anyone below 50. He said that the rest of them can go on Riley Martin's show.
Howard said he forgot to ask Denise Richards about going to sing ''Take Me Out To the Ballpark'' at a Chicago game. He played the audio and said it was probably the worst rendition of the song ever. He said she probably doesn't care about that though. Artie said she's so hot though. He didn't care. Howard said Mr. T didn't do much of a better job. He played that audio as well.
Robin read some news about the Air France plane crash. They're still trying to figure out what happened to it. Robin said they're saying it may have been a harrowing flight because they hit an updraft with 100 MPH winds buffeting the plane. She said that the plane broke apart and plummeted down. That led to Howard and Robin talking about what it could have been like for the victims falling out of the sky. Howard said he would hope that he'd be unconscious during that fall.
Artie said that he spoke to Artimus Pyle the other day and he told him that some people went unconscious as they were crashing. He said Artimus was able to stay awake though. The guys talked about that and about what could happen to you when you're up that high and the plane falls apart. Robin said that you'd probably die due to the conditions that high.
Howard said he hates thinking about that stuff after he brought up the 9/11 attacks and how awful that must have been. Artie said he heard about some people who froze to death in a plane that lost cabin pressure. Robin said that's what happens when you lose cabin pressure when you're so high.
Robin read a story about Sacha Baron Cohen being sued over something he did as his character Bruno back in 2007. She claims she was attacked during a bingo game that they were filming.
Robin read about a cancer drug that has come out for dogs. They spent a short time talking about that. Artie said in his bad days in the last 5 years he was dating a girl who used to give her pets heroin. He said she used to shoot them up with that stuff. Artie said he knew guys who would get their cats high on pot smoke but this chick would give heroin to her dog to get a laugh. She didn't do heroin herself though. She said she would just laugh at what happened.
Artie said he never saw her do this but people would look at her like she was Hitler when she'd tell the story. Then she's back out and say that she only did it once. Artie said that junkies do some really dark shit.
Robin read about coal fired plants that are leaking mercury into the water supply. She said that many of the liver disease problems are caused by mercury poisoning and that can be caused by coal fired power plants. Robin said they say they can use this coal as an alternative power supply but now they're saying it could be causing these problems.
Robin read that the maker of Blackberry phones is saying that their phones could be susceptible to attacks by hackers. She said that they're suggesting not opening attachments in emails they get on Blackberry phones.
Artie said he has a Blackberry and he's never had a call drop like Howard has. Howard said he loves his phone even though it does drop calls.
Robin read some news about President Obama and his trips to other countries to try and start healing the rift between the west and the Muslem worlds. She had some audio of him being cheered on at a speech he made.
Artie said he loves Obama now. He said he always liked him but now he loves him. He said he feels confident in this guy and it's a nice feeling that makes him happy.
Robin read about the Supreme Leader in Iran and the hatred they have for the U.S. over there. He was basically saying that it doesn't matter what Obama says, they're not buying it.
Robin said that same sex marriage is approved in New Hampshire and they're trying to get it approved there in New York. Mayor Bloomberg has been speaking out for it lately. She had some audio of him talking about that and how he'd like to see the law changed in New York.
Robin had some news and audio about a new web site that gives people some help with relationships and marriage.
Robin said that Cher has filed a suit against a music label that stiffed her and her ex-husband Sonny Bono out of some money. Howard said the accounting practices can be kind of shady with those record companies. He said he's not sure about this case but that can happen.
Robin had a story about Eminem speaking out about the Bruno incident on MTV and said that it was staged. Howard said it was obvious that it was staged because Eminem was mic'd. Robin said Eminem is a big fan of comedy and he agreed to get involved with the gag.
Robin read about a woman who had died recently, Coco Taylor, and played some of her music. Howard said he had never heard of the woman. Howard said if it's not on Spyder Harrison's countdown then he won't know it.
Gary came in and said he heard that David Carradine may have committed suicide and hanged himself. He said that there isn't a confirmation on that yet. That's just what some people are saying. Robin said that makes her feel bad.
Robin read about Land of the Lost coming out. Robin said that Danny McBride is in the movie. Artie said that guy is great and he's in this show ''East Bound And Down'' and the show is really good. He told Howard he'd love it. Robin had some audio of Danny talking about the Land of the Lost movie and working with Will Ferrall. Howard ended the show a short time later, right around 10:45am.
Jon brought up Denise Richards and asked Gary about her. Gary said that he didn't know much about her and didn't like her before today. He said that after today he does like her. He said he didn't think he cared for her before today. Gary said Denise was a good sport today and he changed his opinion of her and he thinks the audience may have too.
Jon said that she seemed to charm everyone when she came in. Gary said Benjy told him that she waved to him and that gives you the impression that she really likes you. Gary said Will did a pre-interview with her and he had a ton of notes about her because he got so much out of her.
Gary said Denise cut some IDs with them and she told her publicist not to let her father hear any of this stuff.
Benjy said that Denise did a leg thing and wondered if the Howard TV guys saw up her dress. He said he could see it when she opened her legs. Benjy said he has a monitor at his table and saw it himself. Gary said people can pause it when it's on Howard TV then.
Jon brought up the claims Denise made about Scott Baio. Gary said that it's her word against his and you don't know who to believe. Benjy asked if Scott actually said he slept with her. Gary and Jon said that he had made that claim when he was on the show. Gary wondered if maybe she forgot that she had slept with him. Benjy said she seemed pretty credible.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he likes Denise and how honest she was today. Gary said he thinks that she did a lot for her image coming on the show today. The caller asked if they got his script that he sent to them. Gary said that they usually send scripts back when they get them because of legal issues. He suggested that they send stuff like that to an agent instead.
Another caller said he thought Denise was great on the show and his perception of her was totally changed after the interview. He said she comes off like a bitch until you hear her on the show. Gary said she's the kind of hot chick that doesn't look accessible but she's really the kind of chick you can go up to and talk to.
Another caller said Denise is gorgeous but they could have given her a hard time about some of the awful movies she's made. He said she was the worst Bond girl ever. Gary said you don't have a guest in to punch them in the face like that. The guy said they could have brought that stuff up though. The caller said the interview was wonderful and she was candid so he agrees with them about doing it that way.
Jon asked Gary if he wants to hate Stamos when he hears Denise Richards talking about him. Gary said you can't hate that guy and he loves him. He said you want to hate him but you can't.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he didn't care about Denise before or now. He said that she's just one of those celebrities that doesn't blow his skirt up. He asked if they're going to do something about the fake laughter in the studio. Gary said he's going to put a stop to it right now. Gary said he's really not sure what he's talking about with the fake laughter. The guy said that Artie was laughing when Robin brought up the Land of the Lost movie today. Gary said there's no fake laughter going on. He said that he may be laughing in inapproprite spots but it's not fake.
A caller asekd the guys if they remember Denise in an episode of Seinfeld. Gary sadi that there were a lot of hot chicks on that show and they weren't even that well known back then. They had Denise, Teri Hatcher and a bunch of other hot chicks that were just starting out back then.
The guys talked about Denise in ''Wild Things'' and how hot that movie was. Gary said that he, Stuttering John and Robin had a screening of that movie when it came out and it was just the three of them in the studio at the time. They couldn't believe what they had seen.
Jon said that Denise and Charlie Sheen had a really rocky road in their marriage. Gary said that it sounded like Mike Walker was saying that it was Martin Sheen's idea for Charlie and Denise to get along for the sake of the kids.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that she must be the best actress in the world because she has all of them fooled. The caller said that Denise loses her mind shooting her TV show and she must have been acting normal this morning. The guy said there's no way she was being completely honest with them today. Gary said the caller doesn't know her either though. The caller said that all women are insane and she couldn't have been telling the truth today.
Gary said they can tell when someone is pretending to like them and they didn't get that from her today. The caller also said he thinks that Artie is back on the H.
Jon had Teddy play some audio of Denise talking about how she will swallow if a man wants her to. Jon took another call after that. The guy said that they should have had her ride the Sybian. Gary said she's not a porn star. Jon didn't think she'd be up for that. Gary said there are guys in the audience that think all women are sluts and would ride the Sybian.
Jon brought up the story Denise told about Charlie being upset with her for being in Playboy even after he had been okay with it.
Benjy said it sounded like Charlie lost interest in Denise and that's why they ended up breaking up. Gary said he got emails in the past from Charlie Sheen's publicist who thinks that Howard hates him. Gary said if Charlie came on the show Howard would give him a fair interview. All he has to do is show up.
Another caller said he thought Denise did a great interview but only because of Howard. He said he will watch her show every time it's on now.
The caller asked Gary how he was feeling today. Gary said he's not so good because he has to pee every 10 minutes. The caller said he's just like a girl. He said he pees like a girl and throws like a girl.
A caller said that the jokes about Gary throwing like a fag are getting old. He said that Artie is acting out of control lately and he's not sure that they can play anything from the day that Gilbert was on because of the way he was acting.
Gary said that he's not in a competition with Artie and he doesn't have to go out and throw a ball against him. He said if he wants to prove himself, he's going to do it himself.
Gary said that Artie showing the picture of him throwing the ball with the Anne Murray song today was just wrong. He said Artie crossed the line with that when he went around and showed everyone the picture on his iPod and laughed hysterically as he was doing it. Gary said it bothered him today and it doesn't help that he feels like shit.
The caller said Artie came in and took over the show when he showed up late yesterday. He said that the show is going downhill quick and it seems that even Howard is getting irritated. Gary said Artie didn't even seem to care when he walked out of the studio upset about the picture on his iPod. Gary said Artie claims he's doing jokes on the air because it's his job but that was off the air. He said Artie didn't say anything to him afterward either.
Danny the Mets Basher called in and said Gary is ''Gaylord Booey'' for throwing that pitch the way he did. He was goofing on the Mets and Gary as usual. Jon said they haven't heard from him for a while. Danny said he doesn't call in every day. Gary said he has to call in every day to be a good regular caller. Danny was asking Gary if he had one of the Mets suck that kidney stone out of his cock. He was doing okay with some of the jokes until one of them bombed. That's when Jon let him go.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that the Denise Richards interview was good. He said she thinks she's out of her mind though. The caller said he thinks that Artie has lost it lately and he used to be much funnier. He said that Howard is able to drag stuff out of people in interviews and Artie has been interrupting the flow lately. He said he has to turn the show off sometimes now and it's because of Artie.
Jon asked Gary if Robin got that rap too. Gary said Artie would be the first one to say that he was sleeping on the show for a while but now he's trying to find his place on the show again. Gary said there were times when Artie wouldn't say a word during an interview and he'd wonder where he was. The caller said those were good interviews. Gary said there has to be a neutral ground in there somewhere.
The caller also said that Robin kind of does the same thing that she's been doing for a long time. He said that when both Robin and Artie are interrupting it sounds like a Morning Zoo show. He said they have to calm Artie down and stop him from interrupting so much. The guy said it doesn't all have to be about him. He said they should tell Artie to think for 5 seconds before saying something and interrupting.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's surprised that Scott Baio would rate Denise Richards a 3 in bed if she's up for all of the stuff she was saying today. He said maybe he confused her with someone else.
Another caller said that Denise Richards is getting way too much child support. Gary said she's getting $52,000 a month for the kids and $60,000 for herself. She still has to work though.
The caller said that Artie doesn't seem to be over Yucko yet and he's still got some shit going on with him. Gary said maybe Artie just hasn't dealt with Yucko in the way he has to yet. Like he did with Sal when he threw the CD at him. They had to go to break after that.
Jon moved on to talk about Kathy Griffin after almost getting sucked into the Benjy vortex when he asked him about his NY Yankees hat.
Jon asked Benjy about yelling at Kathy on CNN the night she cursed on the air. Benjy said he ran down there to try and get on TV and started fucking around. He said he didn't even realize that it was him that got her into trouble. Benjy said he was the only one yelling at that point in the night.
Gary asked Benjy why he was yelling to her from 40 feet away. Benjy said he started to climb the tower and didn't get all the way up because he didn't want to get arrested.
Jon said Kathy was talking about how Denise was her worst nightmare because she looked so good. Gary said someone told him it was like Bob Levy following Artie.
Gary said he thinks that Kathy is addicted to fame and she'll do anything to get on a show. Jon asked if she's still a D-lister. Gary said he thinks she is. He said they had to define what a D-lister was. Jon said it's the people on ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.''
The guys talked about how Kathy is hanging out with Cher now and how she's worked her way into these people's lives. They tried to figure out if she's really still a D-lister.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to defend Artie a little bit. He said that the guy is healthier than ever before and he's bringing a lot to the show. He said that Artie and Gilbert on the show the other day were great and he loves the way he's been busting people's chops lately.
Jon said that Artie is definitely talking more and some people find it annoying, some don't. He said that's why they take calls from everyone about this stuff.
The caller said that it's probably easier for Howard to rein in Artie when he's crazy than it is when he's comatose. Gary said you never have to rein in a comatose person.
Another caller said he's been clean for about 10 years and the stuff that Artie is going through is part of his rehab. He said this stuff has been repressed for years and it's all pouring out of him now. He said he's going to go crazy for a while. He said it's textbook recovery stuff but he will calm down eventually.
Gary said he was saying that Artie is waking up so this caller is basically saying the same thing. The caller said he got off the heroin when he went to jail. He said he was arrested for stealing cigarettes from stores. The guy said he was caught and he pulled a knife on the guys who were trying to bring him to the back. That's why it was armed robbery.
Gary said they had a guy on the show who didn't know that it was armed robbery when you didn't have bullets in a gun. The caller said he didn't know that it was going to be armed robbery when he pulled a knife on the guy.
Gary said he thinks that Howard would like Dave to do some give and take with him too. Gary said that Howard will go on to help Dave but that's a lot of pressure on him because they expect Dave to beat Conan that night because Howard is on.
Gary said he can't believe that Ralph doesn't have a mannequin of Howard to try outfits on. He said that Ralph isn't a seamstress though so he's not making clothes for Howard. Gary said he can picture Ralph pinning up Howard's outfits and stuff on a mannequin.
Gary said Howard defended Ralph today about the job he does. Ralph called in after that and asked if Denise talked about dating John Stamos and how he used to sneak in and do stuff while she had all of that crazy stuff going on in her life. Jon said she didn't talk about that.
Ralph talked about the stuff they were talking about today with Howard and his wardrobe. Ralph said it doesn't take all that long to try on some clothes to test them out for Monday. He said that they have to spend some time doing it though. He said they may have to alter something and he just wants Howard to look his best. He said he will push for Howard to do it and Howard will give him the best he can.
Jon asked Ralph about the suit that Howard was talking about and if he thinks it's going to be okay. Ralph said Howard could have lost or gained weight and they have to make sure it's going to fit. He said that's why he wants more time to test it out. Ralph said he wants Howard to look good and he just wants him to try it out before Monday.
A caller said he's only been listening to the show since they got to SIRIUS and he's not sure how Ralph got involved with Howard. Gary asked Ralph to explain that. Ralph said the first contact was when Howard had a show at Club Bene and he helped them out with some special effects. Ralph said he had pictures of what he did in special effects and handed them to someone on the show. He got a call from Gary after that and they asked him to help out with props and stuff.
Ralph said his first meeting with Howard was about something he was doing on the Bill Boggs show but that never happened. He said he was hired to work at the Felt Forum show they did and that was the first time he was hired to do stuff for them.
Gary said he remembers Howard not giving Ralph a lot of time to create stuff for him and some of the stuff wasn't quite ready.
The caller said he didn't think Ralph had the initiative to do anything. Ralph said that's because he's stupid.
Jon asked Ralph if Howard looks as bad in jeans as he thinks he does. Ralph said jeans aren't kind to Howard. He said he does like those AG jeans though. Ralph said they look great on Howard. Ralph said Howard just doesn't work with jeans.
Ralph said that when he sent those pictures to Gary he was working in a parking lot at Epstein's in Morristown. He said Gary told him that he was very special for getting that call that day. Gary said Howard hardly responded to that stuff and Ralph took that as an insult and he wasn't trying to be insulting at all. He said he and Ralph started off on the wrong foot.
Jon took a call from a guy who went off on Artie even though he was supposed to be calling in about Denise. Gary asked him about that and the guy said he loved that interview. The guy said that Artie just quit drugs and stuff and he's really not in recovery so that might be why he's lashing out the way he is.
Another caller said that Artie's personality is going to change from day to day. He also told the guys to keep it up with their show because he likes them. They had to end the show a short time later.
Today's Best of the Week was over around noon.
Howard started the show with a commercial break and then a preview of what they had coming up. Howard said they had Catherine Bach from the Dukes of Hazard coming in. Robin said she was surprised that Howard was going to have her in. She said Howard always turns down guests and then when they have someone like her he's happy that she's coming in. Robin joked about her looking like Yvonne Decarlo. Howard told her not to even say that.
Howard said he was going to spank Catherine this morning. He said he might ask her to go make out too. Howard said Milton Berle is going to be calling in. John Wayne Bobbit and his girlfriend will be calling in too. Howard said he heard she's very attractive.
Gary said the King of all Messengers was on the line with a new prank call. Howard got him on and King said that he called a bible show. He played the clip for him a short time later. King got in a plug for Howard's 800 line where people could order his new video. Howard got in some plugs for that and then had King play another call.
King of all Messengers also called another show and asked if they had any plans to get Howard Stern's show piped into the V.A. hospital sound system. They just laughed.
Howard talked about being on up in Boston in the evening and how he will eventually be on in the morning up there. Howard said the company asked him not to go on in the mornings when they asked him not to. He said he always ends up getting screwed. He said he could grab more audience if he was on in the mornings.
Howard said he found that now that he's syndicating his show, the company is taking other guys and doing the same thing with them. He said they actually take other guys and syndicate them. Howard said there are two sets of rules, one for him and one for everyone else. He said that kind of eats away at him.
The caller asked about Bobcat Golthwait not coming in recently. Gary said that was just a mix up with scheduling. They moved him to a later date.
Howard said he can't wait for Catherine Bach to come in. He said he's going to have her sitting on his lap. He said he's going to ask her to come over for some sugar from his sugar daddy and make some love talk with her.
Howard said he'll grab her up in his arms and then molest her. He said anyone that walks in there is dealing with a single man. When he's at work he's single. He said this should be good.
Robin was laughing at everything Howard was saying. Howard told her to get it out of her system now. He thinks that she wants some of his sugar too. Robin said Howard is like the guys in the parking garage with that stuff. Howard said he's going to write down some of his pick up lines for Catherine.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to stump Jackie. The guy said it was kind of morbid but not dirty. Howard said he'd play along since he hadn't done it in a while. Howard asked if it was a Mickey Mantle's son joke or something. Howard spent a minute talking about the death of Mickey's son.
Howard told the caller to go ahead and tell his joke. The caller asked ''What's 12 inches long and makes women scream in the morning?'' Jackie had the punch line which was ''Crib death.'' Jackie warned them that it was bad.
The caller also told Howard about Film Threat having a picture of Robin with a see through top on. Howard knew the top she was wearing. He said he remembered seeing that picture. Howard told Robin not to worry about it because her boobs look nice. Howard told Robin she has such nice breasts. He said he's kind of seen them.
Robin said Howard lied about seeing them. Howard said one of her breasts slipped out of her top one time. Robin said it never did. Howard said he did see it. She refused to believe that.
The guys showed Jackie one of the pictures. Jackie said he had never seen that picture. He said they were different than he expected. He said he expected a larger circumference. Howard said they're beautiful. Howard said she's really cute. Howard said that Robin could make some good money selling those pictures instead of writing a book.
Howard asked Robin if she knew her top was see through. Robin said she had worn it before and it had never happened before. Robin said the top is black and you can't see through it. Gary said the flash and the sun just hit the top the right way that day.
Robin said she hates it when Jackie laughs the way he does. Jackie was laughing about how great the picture was. Howard said Robin defies gravity with those boobs. He said that she wasn't wearing a bra and they were very firm in there.
Howard said Robin comes off very good there. Gary said some of the interns saw the picture and Robin walked in as they were checking it out. The guys talked about Robin's picture and goofed around talking about that for a short time.
Gary said he saw Robin naked one time at channel 9. Robin said Gary barged in while she was changing clothes. Howard asked if she was drinking herself in. Robin said she was busy. Robin said that she immediately covered her chest and screamed when Gary came in.
Gary said Robin was the only woman on the show and the only person without a lock on her dressing room door over there at channel 9.
Howard said they were watching a video of a woman and a dog making love yesterday. Some listener sent them the video. Howard said everyone he told about it asked what kind of dog it was. It was a mutt but it must have had some Great Dane in it because the dog was big. Howard said Robin was in there watching the video too. Robin said she wasn't looking at it, she was turning her head.
Howard said the video was weird and some of the positions they were in were kind of weird. He said they did missionary but there were other positions that were just weird. They had to go to break after that.
Howard said Henny called him over to say hello to some people at his table as he was leaving. Howard said Joey Adams was there too and wouldn't wave to him. He said he must have known who he was and what he's been saying about him on the air. Howard said it was kind of sad to see him there.
Howard said Joey was an old time comic and he's married to Cindy Adams. Howard said she's a nice piece of ass for an older woman. He said she must be in her 60s but she looks good.
Howard talked about what it looks like when you see an old person eat. He said that's what it was like watching Joey. Howard said he saw Howard Cossell eat soup one time and that was a pretty interesting sight to see.
Howard said his agent saw Alan Zweibel at the club and he didn't come up to say hello to him. Howard said Alan used to work for Saturday Night Live and now he's got a lot of other stuff going on. Howard said he heard Alan was on the phone the whole time they were there. He said you'd think he could go somewhere else to make all of his phone calls. Robin said she's seen guys like that when she goes out to eat. She said there's one guy who always does that at a restaurant she goes to.
Howard said he's not sure what this Alan Zweibel has even done. Howard said he'd like to ask him what he's done but he's always on that phone.
Howard said this guy Howard Goldflus wrote an article about the FCC and included him in that. Howard read that article that explained how Howard would be gone if listeners didn't want to hear what he was saying. Howard said he told the guy that the article was good but the government was still fining the company he works for and it will continue to go on. Howard said it's a real disappointment.
Howard asked Gary to turn down the lights in the studio. He didn't want Catherine to see him in full light. Howard had Gary bring her in after that.
Catherine came in and Howard asked her if she wanted something sweet. He told her that the world was theirs. He asked her if she was feeling anything sexual this morning. Catherine said that it would take more than that for her to feel something. Howard tried some more pick up lines but it was too early for Catherine. Howard asked if she was feeling any magic. She said she wasn't feeling anything yet. Howard said he loves animals. He loves the Rhino and he had a Rhino horn in his pants.
Howard asked Catherine if she was single. She was married but Howard told her that it doesn't matter. He said that the grayness that is his life is now a rainbow.
Howard found out that Catherine was married. She married him right after The Dukes of Hazard. Howard asked her if she thinks he should shave his beard. She told him to keep it.
Howard asked Catherine to come over to him. He grabbed her hand and started to kiss it. She told Howard he had nice hair. It was silky. Howard said her fingers tasted like butter.
Howard said Catherine wore a mini-skirt for him. She said she did. Howard said he wanted to cuddle her like an endangered Panda. She wanted to talk about the animal stuff but Howard was just goofing around with the pick up lines.
Howard asked Catherine about getting into animals and not people. Catherine said she loves animals and people. Howard told her she's a piece of ass. Howard said she's got great legs. Howard said he'd get her a copy machine of her own if they got married. He was still trying the pick up lines.
Howard asked Catherine if she had anything to say about Boss Hogg since he had died. She said he was a great guy. Fred liked him too. They spent a minute on that subject.
Howard asked Catherine about guys hitting on her after the Dukes of Hazard thing. She said that she got flowers all the time during that show. Howard said he'd make love to her like she can't imagine. Howard said he never gets tired of doing that. Howard asked if her husband does everything she wants. Howard said he'd do anything she wanted.
Howard asked Catherine if she likes sex. He said her body is built for sex. Catherine asked Robin if she can help her out there. Howard said he told Robin to stay out of it.
Howard asked Catherine if she ever looks at an elephant or rhino penis. She said that she has seen them and they're huge. She wanted to talk about where she's been for a while now but Howard told her to hold off on that stuff.
Howard asked Catherine about all of the guys who were hitting on her and if that's hard to take. She said that it can be kind of hard. Howard said he knows that men come on too strong sometimes. Howard asked when she realized she had this power over men. She said it wasn't like that. She didn't have a power. Howard said she does have a power because he'd do anything for her right now.
Howard asked Catherine to take her jacket off. She said it was too cold in there. She only had a t-shirt on. Howard said that was fine with him. He said the jacket was ruining it. Howard asked if he could get her into a towel during the commercial break. She wasn't going for it.
Howard asked Catherine what famous people she has dated. She dated Robert Shields from Shields and Yarnel. Howard told Catherine that he's impotent and needs help. She said that they can talk about that when they talk about the animals. Howard said he might go gay if she doesn't help him out. Catherine said that she hears all of those lines when she comes to town.
Howard offered to pay Catherine for sex. He said he wasn't going to beg all morning. He said she must be wild when she makes love. Howard asked her if she wanted to hug him now. She said she would hug him goodbye when she leaves.
Howard wanted to plug her TV show but she wanted to talk about animals. Howard said they can talk about that too. Howard had Jackie turn up the heat earlier so the studio was getting hot. Howard took his sweater off and told Catherine to take her jacket off. She didn't take it off. Howard said she has to take it off. She did unbutton it. Howard begged her to take it off.
Howard said he felt something going on there between them. He asked her if she's a natural D-cup. She said that she is. Howard asked what it's like to be ''so female.'' He also asked if she walks around her house naked. She said she does that sometimes. Howard said she really is very womanly. Howard said there are people who are somewhere in between, like him, but she was very female. Robin was too.
Howard mentioned the TV show Catherine was in to promote. It was called ''African Skies.'' Howard talked about her filming over in South Africa with Robert Mitchum. Howard asked if she's ever been with a black man. She said that she didn't want to say.
Howard said it was getting really hot in there and he was going to take his pants off. He was about to do that and said that they should just get really wild and strip down. He said he wanted to be as wild as a gorilla in Africa.
Howard asked Catherine about where her show is at. She said it's on the Family Channel. Howard asked her why she's on that channel. She said the show fits there. She told Howard that she had a spitting cobra spit at her one time during the filming.
Howard asked if Robert Mitchum hit on her. She said he didn't. She said that she hasn't smoked pot with him either. She said she doesn't do that stuff. Howard said he doesn't do that anymore either. Howard said Jackie might be doing it right now.
Howard said that he had Catherine on his top 5 hot chick list. He gave some of the other women that he's had on the list and they included people from various TV shows he's watched over the years.
Howard said he loved the original Tarzan TV shows and how goofy the show was. He said he loved that he could make anything happen with that one word ''Ungowa.''
Howard said he felt like he had a giraffe in his pants. He said he wanted her pressed up his chest. Howard said that he wanted to get to the animals and get the audience involved.
Catherine said that she got involved in this endangered species breeding project. Howard said that they have poachers come over there and kill these animals for their horns and ivory and stuff like that so Catherine is getting involved with trying to save them.
Catherine told Howard about how Rhino horn and tiger bones are used as an afrodesiac and that's why they kill off the animals. Catherine said that they have a direct line to the White House now to get people to help out with this. Howard said he was going to give out the number but he was going to call them himself first.
Howard said that if they get this bill passed then Catherine will make love to him. Catherine said that the line is a direct line to President Clinton's hot line. Howard tried dialing it but ended up calling Jackie's joke line (516) 922-WINE instead.
Howard called again and got the White House comments line. They were doing a survey type thing and had Howard pushing buttons to do that. It turned out no one was there because it was too early in the morning. Howard said they should flood the White House with calls.
Catherine wanted to give Howard a gift but Howard told her to keep it. She really wanted him to take it so Howard told her to come over and give it to him. Howard said that she had quite a ring on her finger. Howard also talked about the old poster she had out where she was in her short shorts. Howard said she must have sold a ton of those.
Howard asked Catherine about her husband and if he has a tongue that can turn her on. She told him that's out of bounds. Howard said he loves to have hours of foreplay and cuddling too. Howard said he'd like to do that with her but he and his wife just have sex.
Howard asked Catherine if she wears thong bathing suits. She said she wears bikinis and she will sun bathe topless at home too. She said it's her house so she can do anything she wants there.
Howard said Catherine was making some good points. He said he had to wrap up though. He gave her some plugs for her TV show and had to ask her to keep her jacket off while he did that.
Howard asked Catherine to come over and hug him. He asked if he could kiss her too. He asked for one and spit on his own lip accidentally. He got the kiss from her and Robin asked him what he was doing. Howard told Catherine to pretend that she was acting. She wasn't able to do it. Howard let her go a short time later. He went to break after that.
Howard told Milton that he would give him a little sugar if he was there in the studio. Milton told him he's always doing that shtick. Howard said it wasn't shtick. He was serious. Howard asked him if he wanted any sugar. Milton said he didn't.
Howard said he once had Milton in an interview and he called him back to his dressing room. He thought he was going to seduce him. Milton said Howard is making it sound like he's ''all fagged out.''
Howard told Milton he saw Henny Youngman at the Friar's Club. He also said he was told that Milton didn't donate the building he claimed to have donated. Milton said that it was his house and he gave it to them. Milton said it was back in 1952 when he did that. He said the house was too big and he gave it to them. Now it's worth $18 million. He paid $325,000 for it back then.
Milton told Howard he wants Howard to sit on the deus at a roast out in Las Vegas. Howard said he can't afford him. Milton said that he can. He said the roast is going to be honoring Sid Caesar for 50 years in the business. Howard said he's doing that out in Vegas.
Howard said he heard Milton was mad about something that the Kennedy Center Honors thing. Howard told him not to be upset about that. Milton told him that he wasn't upset about that. Howard and Robin kept talking over him so Milton asked if he could get a friggin word in.
Milton said that he wanted to say something. Howard cut him off again and said that he didn't bring up his penis in this interview. Milton said he hasn't brought it up in years. Howard said he would give him an award just for the size of his genitals.
Milton said that what he's doing with the Sid Caesar thing is the first time they've ever done something like this for the public. He said it's going to be kind of naughty and they will be working blue. He said no kids will be allowed into the event. Howard said Milton is much funnier than Sid Caesar. Milton said they have different styles so that's nonsense.
Milton said that they have a bunch of people coming to the roast. He said they have Henny Youngman, Foster Brooks and others. Howard kept cutting him off and didn't let him finish.
Milton went on to explain what they were going to be doing at the roast and Howard figured it was going to be filthy. Milton said they weren't going to be filthy. Howard thanked Milton for calling in and told him that he was glad he called in. Howard let him go a short time later.
Billy West was sitting in and did his impression of Milton for a couple of minutes. Howard and Billy played with that for a short time. Billy had the impression down pretty good and sounded a lot like Milton.
Howard had Billy West do his impression of John a little bit. He mumbled and didn't say much. John said he knows he mumbles.
Howard spoke to John's new girlfriend, Christina, who didn't have much to say either. Howard said that they were very similar in that way. Howard said John had his penis cut off but now he's getting a woman who is way above his ex.
Christina said that she loves John for his mind. Howard and the guys were shocked by that. John said that they met at a strip club. She was working at the club and came into the room when he was there for an autograph signing. Howard said he heard that they were all over each other in the green room there.
Howard asked John why they pretend that they don't have sex. Christina said that her parents know. Howard asked John how his penis is working. John said that it's working now. Howard said it must be working, look at the smile on Christina's face.
Howard asked Christina if she wants to marry John. She said she does. Howard asked how they could be engaged. John said she's everything he's been searching for. Howard said she's everything he's been searching for too. He said she's a stripper.
Howard asked Christina if she knew who John was when she saw him. She said she did. Howard asked who the woman was in the paper that John was with. Howard said it wasn't Christina. They hadn't seen it yet. Howard showed the picture to Christina. It turned out it was her. Billy West was mumbling in the background and making Howard think that it was John mumbling.
Howard asked John about his divorce and how that's going. John said that she's not letting him out of it until June because she wants to stay in the country.
Howard said he needs to have some tissue regenerated too so he might need Christina's help. Howard asked if she was attracted to him. She said she wasn't and it was the long hair that was turning her off.
Howard asked if Christina knew she wanted to marry him right away. Christina said they spoke on the phone for hours and hours. She said that they talked a lot in the beginning. Howard asked if she was afraid of breaking his penis. She said she didn't have that worry. She said that she was kind of curious about what it looked like. She said it looked normal to her.
Howard asked if she saw any scars on his penis. She said that she wasn't inspecting it that close. She said that things are going well with him though. She said John is living with her now. Billy was still mumbling and Fred got in on that as well. Howard asked the two of them to cut it out.
Howard said he saw that John was selling a lot of t-shirts. John said that he sold out of them and ended up selling some penis protectors instead.
Howard asked Christina about her breasts and she claimed they were real. John confirmed that for him. Howard said he's a lucky man. He said he'd marry that one if he were John.
Howard asked about the managers they were traveling with today. John had one and so did she. Christina said she had people knocking at her door after John exposed them and she didn't know how to handle it. That's why she got the manager.
Howard said it sounds like they've got it made. Howard asked how long it took to get into the sack. John said it was 4 or 5 days. Christina gave him a look when he said that. Howard said that they're two adults and that's not that bad. Howard said John had some place to go so he had to leave soon. He asked Billy and Fred to do their impressions of John. John said that he never did that before they made it up on the show. Then he started talking that way.
Howard found out that John and Christina were on the Jenny Jones show and Christina's ex was on the show. Howard asked if John ever compares notes with the guy. John said he hasn't yet. Christina gave him a look again according to the guys.
Howard asked Christina how many times they can go in one night. Christina said that she's not sure about that. Howard started to wrap up with them again. He asked if he could hug Christina goodbye. John was fine with it. So was Christina. Howard said he might be in love with John's new girlfriend. He asked John if things are working okay down below. John said they are. He said he still needs time to fully heal though. Howard let them go and said he'd come out in a minute when he goes to break.
Howard said it might be worth going through getting your penis cut off to get a chick like that. Howard said they barely know each other. Gary said they must really be in love because they're going to go for a carriage ride in the city later today. They're postponing their flights to make sure they can do that. They went to break after that.
Howard said he heard the funniest manager is supposed to win a prize at the meeting. Jackie actually wrote some jokes for Tom. Jackie didn't think it was worth mentioning but Howard did. Howard said that's funny that he would ask for jokes.
Howard asked what jokes Jackie gave him. Jackie said he didn't remember what they were. Jackie said a higher up in the company told him about that and took one of his Joke-In-A-Box things to use instead of asking him for some jokes.
Howard said he heard they're going to be discussing what to do with the Greaseman down there. That led to Billy doing his impression of the Greaseman. Howard said the guy is losing ratings for the station. He said they wanted him there to bring in ratings but that's not working out. Howard said they're having a whole meeting about how to get rid of the guy now. Billy continued to do his impression making weird noises and saying things like ''Waddle Daddle.''
Howard said Tom thought the guy was funny but he told him that he's never been funny. Howard said they handed the guy syndication and it's like they were doing that just to piss him off. Howard said he created the syndication thing there and all of these other guys are benefiting from it.
Howard said he can't believe that Tom asked for jokes from Jackie. Howard said they have to get tape of Tom telling those jokes. He and the guys goofed on Tom about that stuff for a few minutes. Howard said they got less than a 1 the last ratings period with that Greaseman. He said they don't want to give him up though because they paid him so much. Howard said it's a big problem.
Howard said the guys out in California were going to grab him up but Andy Bloom didn't want to do that. Now they have him down to just an hour of work but they still have to pay him big money.
Howard said they wanted him to run Greaseman promos on his show and he refused. He said they slip them in when they go on vacation though. Howard said that's Tom's sneaky trick.
Robin said that Tom told her that he's no fan of Mexico. She did her impression of his monotone and told Howard what he said to her about that. Howard said he doesn't believe that at all. He said that he's probably enjoying that trip.
Howard goofed on Tom about the Greaseman thing for a few more minutes. Howard said it was Tom's idea to bring him there and now he has to take the blame for the failure. Howard said he warned Tom about that. Robin said Tom has told her that he finds him funny. Robin did her impression of Tom's laugh while Billy was doing his Greaseman impression. Fred did his Tom laugh too. Robin said Tom says that Howard and the Greaseman have different styles. Howard said Tom is a dullard and he's witless.
Howard said he was reading what Regis had to say about the job and how he might be done with his morning show. Howard said Regis isn't done with that job. He said he was joking around about that but Regis isn't going anywhere. He said he'll be on that Regis and Kathie Lee show. He said he heard he hates Kathie Lee though. Howard said he heard they were yelling at each other in the hallway but those are just rumors.
Howard did his impression of Regis a little bit as he was reading the article. Howard said he thinks that Regis is going to lose his morning show ratings and maybe he will have to go to late night. Howard said he'll fail there too though. Howard said he'd be ''Regis Failbin'' then.
Howard said that Dave is just goofing on the guy when he says he's going to give him a job after his show. Howard said that's never going to happen.
Howard and the guys talked about Kathie Lee a little bit too. They talked about her needing a young man instead of that old man Frank Gifford she's with.
Robin read a story about a guy who fell as he was trying to climb down to his girlfriend's room. He fell 11 stories trying to climb down a rope.
Robin read a story about President Clinton and the Whitewater scandal. She had some audio of Clinton talking about that and claiming it was unjustified. Howard welcomed him to the club. He said now he knows how he feels with the FCC coming after him. They had some audio of a guy spelling out ''C L I N T O N'' and asking what it spelled. Fred kept playing Gary's ''I don't know'' audio clip during that.
Robin read a story about a guy who shot some co-workers and himself at his workplace after he was fired. Fred threw in a Jackie laugh when she read that story. The guy killed a couple of people and eventually died himself.
Robin had a story about a teacher that got into some trouble asking his students if they were going to take anyone not the same race to their prom. He said it wasn't going to look good if they had a mixed race prom. Robin said he was suspended after students turned him in. She had some audio of a guy from the KKK talking about how he didn't want to see mixed race couples kissing or anything like that.
Robin read a story about how short people have a shorter life expectancy than taller. She said that they have shorter arteries that can get clogged easier. Howard said he doesn't see many older tall people, they're usually shorter.
Robin said that Mickey Mantle's son died last week. He had just come out of a substance abuse center when he collapsed and died. Gary came in and said that he was going to contact that principal that they were talking about earlier. He had to get some information from Robin so he could do that. Gary said he didn't want to break into the middle of her story so he was in there just staring at Howard.
Robin read some news stories about Tanya Harding, Leona Helmsley, a woman who committed suicide and wrote a nice letter about the person who advised her how to do it and Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson's marriage problems.
Howard and the guys were doing their drunken Don Johnson impressions and goofed on him for a short time. Robin had some details about Johnson and another guy getting into a fight at a bar. The guys goofed on Johnson through the whole thing.
Robin read about Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and how the families are looking to get some money out of him. Robin read a story about a rap concert where they were going to have a guns for tickets concert and only 26 guns were turned in so they canceled the concert.
Robin read about some officers who saw a man in his car thrashing about in his car with a smile on his face. The cops went to the guy's car and saw no one else in the car but the guy had his hands shoved in his pants. They ordered him out of the car but he refused. They pulled his hand away thinking he might have a weapon but when they checked his pants, the guy had a terrible accident. He had tried to shove drugs in his butt and they came out as the cop was checking.
Robin read some news about Roseanne and Tom Arnold doing an interview with Magic Johnson as the interviewer. Howard said that Magic should do an interview with the person who infected him. That would be a good interview. The guys goofed on Magic for a few minutes and Robin ended her news a short time later with a quick mention that the Crash Test Dummies were going to be on Letterman that night.