|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started the show talking about his great weekend away from work. He said as long as he's not there he's very happy. Robin said she stayed home the whole weekend thinking she was sick but it was probably allergies.
Howard said she's probably denying that she's sick because of that diet she's on. He said her new thing is her health and she loves to be vegan and loves not to eat salt. He said its become her life.
Robin said she read three books this weekend and they were all detox books. He said she wants to convince herself that she's never going to be sick again. Robin said she shouldn't even have allergies. Howard said she got a cold and she can't believe it so she's denying that it happened and saying it was just allergies.
Howard said as long as she's better he's happy for her. Robin said that she was feeling strange last week. Howard said he said something to her last week about her not sounding right. Robin said she didn't say anything last week. Howard told her to go listen to the show. He said he listens to her like a hawk.
Howard told Jason to find tape of Robin saying that she felt like she had something going on. He said she thinks she won't ever get sick again and that's just not the case.
Howard said Robin has a cold and she's not willing to admit it. Robin said it's not a cold. She said her nose was bleeding all weekend. Howard said that's a cold. Robin said it's just a stuffiness she has and it's not a cold. Artie said he hasn't had a cold in 20 years.
Howard said he saw Jimmy Kimmel this weekend and he's coming in today. Howard said he got some alone time with Jimmy this weekend and he opened up about Sarah Silverman. Howard said Jimmy told him he can't talk about that but he will ask him about it on the air today.
Howard said he's really bad with people. He said Jimmy started to open up about Sarah to him and afterward he said Beth asked him what he said and he had no idea. Howard said he listened but it didn't make much sense to him.
Artie said he thinks the only reason Howard listens to him is because he's fascinated by how fucked up he is. Howard said it's because they're on the air that he listens. He said if Jimmy told him this stuff on the air he probably would have understood.
Howard said he even told Jimmy that he didn't know what he said to him and didn't understand it. Howard said Jimmy told him this stuff again and he still didn't get it.
Howard said he talked to Jimmy about Jay Leno. He said they talked about him a bit. Howard said they talked about late night TV and stuff. Howard said he hates that Jimmy and Sarah aren't together. He said they were great to hang out with.
Howard said he got to hang out with Jimmy and his cousin Sal. Howard said Jimmy hires his whole family to work for him. Artie said Sal is funny. Howard said he was very nervous around him. He said he spoke more to the wall than he did to Sal. Howard said he liked him because he didn't bother him but he didn't have a lot to say.
Howard said Ben Stiller is going to be stopping by today as well as Jimmy and Sal. Robin wondered what's going on with Ben Stiller's look these days. She said his hair is weird looking and it's all over the place. She said he's in publicity photos and stuff looking kind of odd. Howard said he'll have to ask about that.
The guys were talking about this movie ''Valkyrie'' that Howard had missed in the theaters. Howard said someone sent him a copy of it that was pirated but he didn't watch it because it was such a bad copy.
Howard said he got to see ''Watchmen'' and really liked that too. He said there was a lot of blue cock in that movie but other than that he liked it. Howard said the cock is in your face the whole movie. He was wondering if it was really Billy Crudup's cock or if it was CGI. Howard said the whole cock thing is irrelevant to the story too so he's not sure why it was even in there.
Artie said that it was in an alternate world where Nixon had won 5 terms. He said he kind of liked that. Gary asked if he had seen ''21.'' Howard said he didn't want to see the movie. He said that movie upsets him for some reason and he's not even sure why. Howard said there are some things he doesn't want to watch and that's one of them.
Howard said he has no desire to see a team of guys adding stuff up. He hates math movies. Gary said he liked ''Good Will Hunting.'' Howard said he loved ''A Beautiful Mind'' too but he won't watch ''21.'' Howard said he doesn't want to see movies where people are accused of crimes that they didn't commit too. Howard said he hates mistaken identity movies. He doesn't want to see that. He just can't sit through it.
Artie said the movie 21 was based on a movie called ''Bringin' Down the House'' and they couldn't name it that because there was another awful movie of the same name.
Howard said his chess teacher is going to come in today. He's just coming in to hang out though. He's just going to sit on the side with some other chess guy. Howard told Gary to make sure he's on the list to get in there.
Artie said the lawyer that's working for Janks for free is doing more for Janks than he's even doing. Howard said he heard the guy is such a fan of the show he's doing free work for Janks.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that it's been 5 months since he didn't get his prizes. The guy said he got a signed copy of Artie's DVD and a Steven Singer watch. Howard said he had to check with Gary on that.
Gary and Jason came in and said they're not sure what's going on. Jason said he's tried to get it taken care of and everyone keeps telling him that it's being taken care of and it's apparently not. Howard told Jason to get Sam Benrubi in there to talk to him and he'll take care of it. The caller said that it's been years since he won this stuff that he didn't get it. Howard said this poor guy is afflicted with something and he hasn't gotten his stuff.
The caller had some throat stuff going on. Howard asked when it was that this whole thing had happened. The caller said it was way back in the last week at K-Rock that he won the stuff. Gary said that no one there said it wasn't them and they couldn't handle it though. They're going to take care of him because they still have a relationship with Steven Singer Jewelers. Jason said Sam was there at K-Rock so they can hold it against him.
Howard said he'll buy the guy a watch if he has to. Howard said the guy deserves the prize. Howard said they'll talk to Steven Singer about that. Howard said he would like to know where the stand-up DVD is. He said if there is a copy of it then he'll send one right out.
Howard asked what's going on with Teddy. Artie told him not to bring him into the studio because he'll end up throwing something at him.
The caller had some audio of the show where Artie offered to send him the DVD and Gary saying that he could give him one more thing before they left. He even offered the guy a JokeMaster Jr.
Howard said Artie had the DVD in his hand. Artie said he would sign it right now. Artie signed it to Terry and said he was glad he was able to rush this to him. Howard told him to date it 2005 so it didn't look like it was late.
Terry said it was the second to the last day they were at K-Rock. Artie said he would even take the paper out of the DVD and sign it that way instead of on the plastic. Artie said he would sign it ''Better late than never.''
Howard said he'd send him a book too if he wanted to wait another 3 years. Terry laughed. Howard asked Terry if he was supposed to be dead by 2007. Terry said ''yeah.'' Howard told Gary to get in touch with Steven Singer Jewelers and find out what's going on with that. Jason said he would mail out the DVD today before noon.
Howard said he could give this guy a $500 prize from Steven Singer if he wanted that instead of the watch. Terry took the money so they could skip the watch thing. Howard told Gary to get on the microphone and listen carefully. He told him that he was giving him the cash instead of the watch. Howard asked Gary if he will get him the money. Gary said it will take about 4 weeks to get it but he will get it.
Gary told Terry to give him 4 weeks but if he doesn't have it to give him a call. Gary said he will follow and make sure he gets the money. Howard said this Techno beaver should be able to follow this somehow. He told Gary to put his name Terry in his alarm system for four weeks from now and give the guy a call to make sure he got the money.
Howard put Terry on hold again and told Gary to get him his money before he drops dead. Howard said it'll end up in his estate and going to his relatives.
Howard said there was one woman saying she wasn't homophobic but she's against the gay marriage. She was also saying that they pray for the homosexuals even though they're not homophobic. Howard said maybe they should worry about their own marriages and kids instead of what other people are doing. Howard said there was a pro-gay marriage gathering too and Mayor Bloomberg was there.
Howard said President Obama went to speak at Notre Dame and some people didn't show up because they didn't like that Obama was pro choice. Some of the people thought it was wrong for him to be there and didn't show up.
Howard said these people are educated people and he wonders how they're going to deal with people in the work place if they can't deal with someone having a different view than them. Howard said that there is abortion and people have to accept it's out there. Howard said that even Obama has said that he doesn't believe in it for his own family but he does believe that it's okay for people who do feel they need to go that way.
Howard said those dopey shitheads that didn't show up to their graduation shouldn't get their diplomas. Robin said she didn't want to go to her graduation either but she did go. Artie said he didn't go to his high school graduation but that's because he didn't graduate.
Howard said there was some news about George Bush in the paper this weekend. Howard said he was reading about how Donald Rumsfeld and his people would play Bush like the dope he was. Howard said Rumsfeld wanted to go into Iraq so he sent Bush paperwork that made it appear like this was some kind of holy war. He would quote the bible in the cover sheets of these plans they had. Howard said the documents are showing that this was a holy war.
Howard read some of the quotes that they had for Bush to read and said it's no wonder those Arab countries hate our guts. Howard said Bush even claimed that he was getting commands directly from the Lord to go over and fight this war. Howard said this shows how nutty our President was.
Howard was reading about a Vice Principal who died of swine flu. He said he was reading about what a great guy this guy was. He said he was completely involved in the school. Howard said the guy would tutor kids and refuse to take money for it. Howard said the guy seemed to really care and most teachers do that stuff for money. Howard said this poor guy is dead because of this swine flu.
Howard said the way you stay healthy is to keep your immune system strong. Howard said Robin will tell you that... over and over again.
Howard said the principal was 55 years old and he had gout so he may have been heavy. Howard said the swine flu will kill people who have preexisting health conditions. Robin said it's mostly youngest people though. Howard said it's really sad that they lost this great guy.
Artie said he was talking to Dana about the school she's working in and how they have bloods and crips there. He said last week about 5 of the toughest kids there were out doing wheelies outside and they were all wearing surgical masks on. They told her that they were trying to stop swine flu from getting them.
Howard said he read ''Angels and Deamons'' went up to number one this weekend with a $48 million box office. Star Trek pulled in another $43 million. Howard read about some of the other movies that were in the top 5 as well.
Gary said his son Jackson watches ESPN all the time and they show the top 10 plays of the week and sometimes the ''not top 10 plays of the week'' and his worst nightmare was for his pitch to end up there. Gary said he thought he had gotten away with it and they didn't notice the pitch. Gary said they got it this weekend. Gary said they were talking about it on ESPN and other channels as well.
Artie said he saw a show where they showed the pitch 3 times and showed people laughing at the pitch after each one.
Howard played some audio of a promo for the Gary's pitch. The announcer threw out a bunch of ''Baba Booey'' comments in the preview. Then they played the pitch during a show and the announcer said that Ham Hands Bill could do a better job.
JD came in and told Howard about how they were running Gary's pitch every hour from about 9am until about 6 in the afternoon. Howard played some of those clips as well.
Gary said the Craigslist killer story went away faster than this story did. Gary said it's been over 7 days and they're still talking about it.
Artie was goofing on Gary again about the pitch thing. Artie said that he was watching that the whole weekend and saw them goofing on Gary.
Howard played some of the audio of some show on Versus talking about Gary's pitch. They played the video and goofed on Gary and how he was going to be forced to hand feed Artie Lange as a punishment.
Howard said Beth suggested that they have all of the wives throw pitches. Beth said she can throw better than Gary can. Gary said he's sure she can. Robin said she can't throw. Howard said she just has to make it to the catcher and that would be fine. If she doesn't then she threw like a girl and that's fine too.
Howard played some audio of a report about Larry King throwing out the first pitch at a game and how he did better than Baba Booey did.
Gary said that the worst things that people have said to him were... Ron Howard saying that he was girlish and Jimmy Kimmel saying that his sons were looking for a new father.
Gary said his kids didn't see Sportscenter so he's glad that they didn't get that chance. Gary said he might have been visiting his mother or something when he was told that he was on that show. He said he loves people who rush to tell him the bad news like that.
Artie said he loves to tell people when a famous person dies. He said he loves to get that reaction. Howard said Sam Simon did that with Danny Devito when he thought he had died in one of the planes that crashed on 9/11. Gary said he held that news for a week thinking it was true but it turned out it wasn't.
Gary said they had to knock him out for this whole thing. He said they do that because you can't be moving around. He said they need you still so they don't blast the wrong thing.
Gary said they put an IV in him and then they tell you that you're going to feel... and that's the last thing you hear. Gary said he almost fell asleep as soon as he hit the gurney. Artie said he was wishing that he had a kidney stone right now. He's jealous that Gary got to get the anesthesia.
Artie said that the 10 seconds right before you go out is the best. He said he'd love to feel that right now.
Gary said he got a prescription for some pain pills and it turned out they were Oxycontin. Gary said there are people who would go crazy to have that stuff and he has it legally. Gary said he'll throw it away in a year or so.
Gary said he was put out and he was told they could blast it out. He said that if they didn't blast it out they were going to go in and pull it out while he was still out. Gary said that they were going to put a stint in there if they did that but then they'd have to take it out when he was awake.
Gary said the stint would hold the penis open until the rock passes out. Howard was cringing and saying ''Ohhhh!'' over and over again when he heard that.
Gary said he woke up and the doctor was gone. He said he got up and was told they got all of it but he has to go back in for an x-ray in a week. Gary said that when you pee you have to pee in a strainer to catch anything that comes out. Gary said he hasn't seen a thing so he's not sure if it's coming out. It could have been pulverized so much that he's just not seeing it.
Gary said he was told that if they did put the stint in there he'd be peeing blood for a while. He said he's thinking that the camera is on a piano wire but it's really on something the size of a coaxial cable. Artie said he's had that thing shoved up his cock so he knows what that's like.
Artie said that he's getting his phone back because the shrink told him that he should be rewarded. He said the shrink also wants him to be treated like an adult because if he fails now then he's going to prove that he has some major issues to take care of.
Artie said the shrink is also thinking that the situation that his mother and sister created is something that more people should do. He said the shrink said that when you get out of rehab you'd have to adjust to life. They kept him in his life and had some rules for him. Artie said his doctor doesn't have a TV show so he has his best interests in mind.
Artie said he went to the new Yankee Stadium over the weekend. He said that it's really nice but it's not Yankee Stadium. He said that it's like the ghost of the stadium is right there next to that one and it's really weird to see it there. Artie said it's not the house that Ruth built, it's like the house that Pepsi built or something like that.
Artie said it's very comfortable and all of that but the stadium just isn't Yankee Stadium. He said they might as well call it Pepsi field or something. Howard said he had to take a break before bringing Jimmy Kimmel in there.
Howard came back and had Jimmy Kimmel come in. Howard said Jimmy is the host of Jimmy Kimmel Live. Robin told Jimmy not to pretend that he didn't hang out with him this weekend.
Howard said he thinks that he kind of lets Jimmy down when he hangs out with him. He said Jimmy looks up to him but when he's not on the air he's not all that witty and he just doesn't do that much. Jimmy asked if he was fishing for some compliments or something.
Jimmy said they had a lot of fun with him this weekend. He's not sure what Howard is talking about. Howard said he feels obligated to be together with his company and after Jimmy left he told Beth how great he thought Jimmy was. He said he seems to be a very together kind of guy. He even liked his cousin Sal. He said he was like a wall who wasn't saying anything.
Howard said he told Beth that Jimmy made him think that he doesn't want anyone else coming out to the house. That's a compliment to Jimmy though. He said that no one could be easier to deal with than Jimmy. Howard said he was up all night thinking that he was going to be bored. Then he was going to have a chess lesson and felt guilty about that.
Jimmy said he would have been fine. He said he got up at 9:30 thinking that was early enough. Howard said he told Jimmy about the chess lesson but he doesn't feel right about doing that.
Artie said he's glad that Jimmy went out there because now he can call and ask how the house looks. Howard told Artie he can come out when he's straightened out.
Howard said he and Jimmy were talking about Sarah Silverman and he told Robin this morning about the conversation they had and how he didn't understand a word of it. Howard said he was close with Jimmy and Sarah so he wanted to find out more. He said he still doesn't know what happened there.
Jimmy said he knows Howard would like to know more about it but for his own protection he had to confuse him. Howard said that must have been it. Jimmy said he actually did give him all of the details but it must have been so boring that Howard didn't care.
Howard said Sarah broke up with Jimmy and that's the big news. Jimmy said that he broke up with her the first time and she broke up with him the second time. Howard said he doesn't think that they'll get back together a third time.
Jimmy said that he's not sure why he broke up with Sarah. He said he thinks he was depressed but that made him even more depressed when he broke up. Robin was getting more out of Jimmy than Howard was so she asked him a couple of questions about what had gone on. Robin explained to Howard what Jimmy was saying since he didn't seem to understand it.
Artie said it sounds really bad when you say something like how you're depressed with someone as great as Sarah. Jimmy said it is troubling because it shows that he may not be able to stay in a relationship with anyone.
Howard said Jimmy works insane hours. He's in town to do some up fronts for ABC. He said the up fronts are when the advertisers are there and you present the new ABC line up for the fall to them. Jimmy has to get up and do some stuff for them. Howard said Jimmy has to fly back and do his show after that. He said he even has to fly commercial and can't fly on a private jet.
Howard said jimmy might not even make it back in time to do his show today because there could be delays and stuff. He said ABC didn't even give him the week off. They don't treat him like a star. Jimmy said that's rightly so. He said he's really not a star.
Jimmy said it wasn't that long ago that he was just a sports guy on a radio show. He said this gig he has now isn't that big of a deal. Artie said he's been in late night for 7 years so he is a big deal.
Howard said it's weird to spend time with Jimmy because he and Sarah were so great together. He said he just isn't that good with Jimmy. Jimmy said there was nothing more than a parting of ways between him and Sarah.
Howard said Jimmy and Sarah were all over each other at his wedding. Howard said they must have realized they really liked each other and they weren't in love. Jimmy said it must have been Sarah who decided that.
Robin asked Jimmy if he's on a tear now. Jimmy chuckled and said ''oh yeah, on a tear.'' He went on to talk about how he was out last night with some friends and almost shit his pants. He said he got into a cab and almost shit his pants again and had to hold it in. He said he had some steak and it immediately turned into an angry ball of shit.
Jimmy said he got upstairs to his hotel room and Sal had the key to his room so he knew he wasn't going to just let him right in. Sal was staying in his hotel room with him. Jimmy said he had brought Sal and another person along with him so he had to let the other person stay in the second room. Jimmy said he and Sal don't mind staying in the same room. Jimmy said Sal was waving the key in front of him and he told him to let him in or he'd kill him.
Howard asked Jimmy if he would let Sarah come on his show now. He said he wouldn't right now but eventually maybe. He said it might be unpleasant if he had her on. Howard said she was on the show almost every week when she was dating him. Jimmy said it wasn't that much. He said she was only on like twice a year.
Howard asked Jimmy if he wanted relationship advice from Dominic Barbara. Jimmy said of course he does. Howard said he was telling Jimmy about Dominic's history with his wife and he couldn't believe it.
Dominic was on the phone and said he thought he had an insight into Jimmy and Sarah's relationship since he spent time with them at Howard's wedding. Howard said Dominic only talks to people who are famous. Dominic said he really didn't have any insight so Howard let him go before he said more than 5 words.
Jimmy talked about some of the stuff that was going on at the wedding and how he almost ate Artie's desert that night. He said the waiter came around and took it away before he ate it. He was actually upset about that.
Howard said Jimmy said a few words at the wedding and it was very nice. Jimmy said that he had a woman write out his speech in calligraphy and she really didn't want to do it.
Artie said his the whole toast thing pissed him off. Artie said he didn't know that other funny guys were going to say anything. He said Jimmy killed and he didn't know he was going to be following him. Howard said he didn't know that Jimmy was going to speak. jimmy said Beth had asked him to do it.
Artie said it's hard to follow someone who kills like that. He said he didn't think that anyone else funny was going to speak, that's all he's saying. He was rooting for Jimmy to bomb that night. Howard told Artie he's going to headline at his next wedding.
Jimmy said Chevy Chase's speech wasn't nice and he's tired of pretending that it was. Artie said he thought it was funny. Jimmy said Artie did not think it was funny. Howard said he thought it was good.
Jimmy said he thinks that Chevy thought that he should say cock because he really doesn't listen to the show and doesn't know what it's really about. Howard said Chevy wasn't supposed to get up and say anything. He said he started to say that he used to fuck him in the ass in college and stuff. Howard said that wasn't true of course. He was just making it up as he went along.
Howard said Jimmy is going to hang out with them the whole morning. Ben Stiller is there now so they're going to have him come in and Jimmy will hang out during that. Howard said he's excited about seeing Ben because he hasn't seen him in a long time.
Howard mentioned the movie that he and Jimmy watched over the weekend. He said Jimmy really didn't talk to him about the movie after it was over. Jimmy said they talked a lot during the movie so he figured they had enough. Jimmy said Beth didn't say a word but Howard was like a black person talking during a movie. Howard said he felt pressure to talk to Jimmy out there. Howard said he had come all that way to hang out so he figured he should talk to him.
Howard asked Jimmy if he ate any of the bagels in the green room because they were meant for Ben Stiller, not for him. Howard said Ben and his cousin Ira are going to be coming in next. He was joking about the cousin thing. He went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Ben how long it's been since he saw him. Ben said it's been a few years. They went out to dinner a few years ago and they just kind of dropped the ball with that friendship. Howard said he thought it was Ben but Ben thought it was Howard. Ben said he felt it most when he didn't get an invite to the wedding. Howard said he likes Ben and he doesn't say anything jerky. Jimmy is like that according to Howard.
Artie told Howard that hanging out with Ben would make more sense because he's probably closer to his income bracket. Ben said he's nowhere near Howard there. Howard and Artie said that's not what they've heard.
Howard said he had Jimmy over to his house and he told Jimmy he felt all of this pressure to hang out with him out there. Howard said these friendships put a lot of pressure on him. Ben said that's what he didn't want to push with him.
Howard said Ben and his wife (Christine Taylor) have two kids now. Ben said the kids are great and they had to have two so they'd have another person to learn from.
Howard said he had to compliment him on ''Tropic Thunder'' because the movie really was so great. Ben thanked him for that. Howard said Jimmy was saying he couldn't believe it got made. He said the blackface thing was amazing and great. Robin said the movie was incredible.
Howard asked Ben if he was shocked that Robert Downey got the nomination for the Academy Award. Ben said it was kind of crazy because they had an inside joke running during the shoot about how funny it would be if he did get the nomination.
Howard asked Ben about his marriage and how that's going. Ben said that they've had their ups and downs in the 9 years they've been married. Howard asked if he's ever wanted out. Ben said they've probably both gone through that.
Howard asked Ben if he heard about Neil Patrick Harris, who is gay, being on the show and talking about how he had dated Ben's wife. Howard said Neil said he had sex with Ben's wife and he said he knew then that he was gay because she was so beautiful and he wasn't able to get exited for her.
Howard asked Ben what he thinks of that. Ben said he's not sure what to think of that. He said he's glad Neil is happy with his sexuality. He said he never delved into the details about that relationship but he did know that they had dated. Ben said he's sure the jury was out on him before he declared he was gay.
Howard asked if that happened before or after she dated Clay Aiken. Ben chuckled at that and said it was after.
Howard asked Ben if his wife had to talk to him about that whole Neil Patrick Harris thing after it came out on the show. Ben said he knew they had dated but they didn't have to get into details.
Howard asked Ben about his parents a little bit and about how many famous people they had at their parties over the years. Ben said Andy Kaufman was at one event. Howard said Ben had to get into show business after going through all of that growing up.
Howard said the first ''Night at the Museum'' had made a lot of money. Artie cut Howard off and said that JJ Abrams probably has to blow him. That led to Howard saying that he got a note from JJ about the Star Trek thing. He said JJ said that he would blow him if the movie made $79 million like he predicted. Howard said he told JJ he can't wait to get his blow job.
Howard asked Ben what his wife said about Neil Patrick Harris. Ben said he doesn't want to get into that with her. He said that she said it was just ''whatever'' and it's what you think.
Ben wasn't aware that Jimmy and Sarah were broken up again. Jimmy said they're done now. Ben said he thought they were a great couple. Jimmy said they're now just two average single people.
Howard asked Ben about the movie ''Tropic Thunder'' and how he had written it with another guy. Ben said he had a part in ''Empire of the Sun'' and he thought of the idea for the movie back then. He said he was a struggling actor back then and Steven Spielberg gave him a small part in that movie and he got yelled at when he yelled cut in a scene. Ben said they had this long scene they were shooting and he screwed up his line at the end of the scene and he said ''I guess we should cut...'' and he heard Steven saying that you never yell cut. He said Steven never put him in another movie after that. He said his company did produce ''Tropic Thunder'' though. Howard asked if there was any questioning about the black face stuff. Ben said there was a little of that.
Howard asked Ben about some of the movies he's auditioned for and didn't get. He was up for Platoon but he didn't get that.
Howard asked Ben about his personal wealth. He said Forbes predicts that he earned $38 million in 2008. He said he must be worth a fortune. Howard told Ben not to keep acting like ''every man.'' Ben said he's not sure how they calculate that amount.
Ben said he's been living in the same house he's been in for 10 years. He said he did buy some nice things like a place in Hawaii. Robin said that's what he's doing with the real money.
Howard asked if Ben's place in Hawaii is a McMansion or something. Ben said it's not like that at all. Ben said he thinks about the money that Howard is making with stock options and stuff. Howard said the stock is so low that he's worth about $69. Howard said he actually rolls around in his money after the show every day.
Robin said on Thursday she saw a yellow Ferrari driving around Manhattan and Tracy Morgan was driving around in it.
Howard gave Ben a plug for this new movie ''Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian'' that's coming out this week. Howard found out Ben was flown out to New York in a private jet. Howard said that's what ABC should be doing for Jimmy. He said he heard they're sending Jimmy back on a Greyhound bus. Jimmy said he's fine with the commercial flight.
Howard found out Ben has to go on Ellen Degeneres' show. Ben said he doesn't want to go on and dance with her but he will try to do it in a way that's ironic but also right for him. Howard asked him why he won't make a stand and not dance. He told him to just stand there and be the killjoy that he wants to be. Ben said the audience is so happy to be there and it would be like you're rejecting them by not dancing. Jimmy said they dance really hard and it's really strange. He said there's a lot more dancing going on than you see and it's like the White Soul Train.
Artie told Ben he should bring up Portia De Rossi's pussy. Ben said that's just what he needs to do and thanked Artie for that.
Howard told Ben that maybe he should come out like Fred Astaire and just fling her against the wall really hard. Ben said he's going to end up thinking about this and Howard is going to be in his head when he's out there.
Ben said he's not a good dancer and he doesn't like dancing at all. Not even in private. Howard said Ben's humor is kind of being self conscious and now he's going to be self conscious about this. Ben said he's really not looking forward to it at all.
Howard said it would be great if he came out and did some kind of flip or something. Howard said he would go on the show in a wheelchair to make sure he didn't have to dance. Ben said he could do the robot or do some vogue or something.
Robin told Ben how incredible he was as Joaquin Phoenix. They talked about some of the other nutty things he's done as well.
Howard said he wanted to have Ben's email address because he had just heard that Jimmy had it. Ben said he can have it. Howard said its no wonder he doesn't have any friends, he doesn't have their email addresses.
Howard asked Ben about this new movie and if there is pressure on him to promote it. Ben said the first one was interesting because it didn't have a gigantic opening, it just kind of grew. He said this one there is more pressure because there are so many movies coming out every week now.
Howard asked Ben for a number he had to make to blow him so he and JJ could work the cock and balls together. Howard said it would be a great blow job to have both JJ and Ben working on him at once.
Howard asked Ben about Mickey Rooney being in the first Night at the Museum. He heard that Mickey told Ben that Disney had named Mickey Mouse after him. Ben said he did tell him that. Howard said he got the notes and it said ''Mickey Rourke.'' He said that would have been a great story if it was Mickey Rourke who had claimed that Mickey Mouse was named after him.
Robin asked how Owen Wilson is doing. Ben said he just saw him the other day and he's doing great. Howard asked him what it's like having so many famous friends. Ben said he really doesn't have that many. It's not like they think it is. Ben said that Owen isn't a show business friend, he's known him for like 15 years.
Ben said he and Owen will hang out. Howard said he heard that Owen was supposed to be in ''Tropic Thunder'' but he tried to kill himself. Ben said he didn't want to talk about that but the most important thing was for Owen to be well so that was it. Howard asked if he brought up something that he shouldn't have. Ben didn't want to get into it all.
Howard asked Ben about the new movie and what he does in that. Ben told Howard about how he's now an info-mercial guy in the movie instead of being a security guard. Ben gave the details of the movie and how he gets called back to get involved in the whole thing. Howard asked if they worked blackface into this one. Ben said he tried but they weren't able to do it.
Howard asked Ben if he had seen Gary's opening pitch at the Mets game. Ben said he didn't. Howard said that's too bad.
Ben mentioned that he and Artie were in a movie together. They were in ''Mystery Men'' and Artie said that he knew it was going to be bad when he asked Ben how he thought the movie was going and he just signed and said ''Oh god...''
Artie told Howard about how expensive the movie must have been to make. He said he was playing a character who gets killed. He said he gets hit in the face with a shovel and stabbed in the throat by a fork.
Howard asked Ben about the movie and why it was a flop. Ben said he thought it was cool he was going to play this super hero character. Artie said he probably knew that he was in a bad movie when he read that Artie Lange was in it.
Ben said he knew the movie was bad pretty quick. He said the director just wasn't working out right from the start. Artie said the director had done some commercials before that. He said he was great for giving him a part in the movie but he was getting 2 million shots for just one joke. Artie said the worst thing you can do is do a joke like that over and over again. Ben agreed with Artie on that.
Artie said he saw William H. Macy going up to the director a lot to say stuff to him. He said that they were all begging him to do something.
Howard said Ben seemed a little down this morning. Ben said he's really not. Artie told him to cheer up because they could be on the set of Mystery Men.
Howard asked Ben if he's ever had to fire an actor. Ben said he's had to fire people from the production crew. Howard said he seems like a guy who gets along with most people. Ben said he does get along with a lot of people.
Ben talked about a scene they shot in Mystery Men and how they had gotten into a real fight. He said he had to walk off the set, in costume, and had to call his agent walking around in costume.
Ralph called in and said he hates that they're pretending that they're not loaded. He said that they should embrace their wealth and not pretend to be like the every day person. Ben said it's not nice to talk about it. Ralph said he doesn't have to pretend he doesn't have a house in Hawaii.
Ralph also asked Ben how he can stand Jenean Garofalo. Ben said he's been friends with her for a very long time.
Jimmy said he doesn't get why Artie thinks that Tom Cruise could have been a dick to him on the set of Jerry Maguire. Jimmy thinks that he's the nicest guy in the world. Artie said he wasn't nice to him. Artie admitted he was on coke at the time but he acted very professional.
Artie said Tom Cruise screamed at him on the set of that movie and Cameron Crowe would back him up on that. He said Cameron had to apologize to him for the outburst.
Howard asked Ben about working with Tom Cruise and that led to Jimmy talking about how Tom had come to his house and Adam Carolla was there. He said Tom tossed Adam a ball at one point and Adam pretended to shit the ball out as a touchdown celebration. He said Tom hung out with them for a few hours after that.
Howard asked Jimmy about all of these famous people that come over to his place. Jimmy said the guests at his place range from his cousin's friends with lazy eyes to celebrities like Tom Cruise.
Howard asked Ben about hanging out with Tom Cruise and what that's like. Ben said that they do hang out and Tom is a great guy. He has nothing bad to say about him.
Artie said he's the only one with balls in there and he's willing to say that Tom Cruise is a shit head. Ben said he's always been nice to him. Artie asked him if it's okay for him to call him a fat guinea? Ben said that never happened. Artie said that's true.
Howard said there are probably some people in Hollywood who aren't pulling for him. Ben said that's probably true, it's a rough place. Howard said they learned that Tom Cruise is a great guy according to Ben. Jimmy said he was great as well. Jimmy said Tom shook the hands of everyone in the studio and signed about 1000 autographs.
Howard asked Ben about the next ''Fockers'' movie. Ben said they're working on a script right now. Artie said De Niro is going to ruin his career if he does another one of those. Artie said the first movie was good but he didn't have much to say about the second one.
Howard told Ben he's a delight and he thinks that this movie is going to do well. He asked what movie they're up against. He said they're up against ''Terminator'' this week.
Artie said Ben might be one of the biggest movie stars ever. He said he was thinking about some of the movies he's been in and asked how many $100 million movies he's been in. Ben said he doesn't think about that.
Gary came in and said that Ben has to get going. Howard said he will tell Ben when he has to go. He started to wrap up with him and told him that he should invite him over whenever Tom Cruise is over. Artie said he would beat that little shit head.
Howard had to wrap up after that. He gave Ben some plugs and talked about how he's been in 8 movies that made over $100 million. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and had Jimmy Kimmel's cousin Sal sitting in. Howard said he was worried about him but he is a nice guy.
Howard asked Jimmy if he had to leave. Jimmy said he has to head over to do Regis and Kelly this morning... without Regis.
Artie said Sal is such a big gambler that he will just throw out gambling tips to him before he even says his name when he sees him.
Sal asked Artie if he would rather go back on heroin or pitch like Gary. Artie said Howard asked him that and he said he could explain the heroin thing but not the pitching.
Howard asked Jimmy about his show and how many family members he has working for him. Jimmy said he has quite a few and mentioned who they were. Howard asked if there are family members who don't get hired and get upset. Jimmy said he thinks the family knows what's going on and why some people had to be hired. He said his uncle Frank is one of the guys who just fell into his part. Jimmy said his brother is a writer on the show too.
Jimmy told a story about his uncle Frank taking the subway home one day and this guy sat next to him with a cup of coffee in his hand. His uncle took a couple of bucks and shoved it in the cup thinking the guy was looking for money.
Howard said he had to say goodbye to Jimmy since he had to go to Regis. Jimmy told Howard he really doesn't have to have him over to his place if he doesn't like it. Howard said he loves Jimmy and he goes on vacation with him.
Howard asked Jimmy if he's going to be seen dating all over the place now. Jimmy said he'll probably be on AshleyMadison picking up women. He said you won't see him dating all of the Hollywood starlets.
Jimmy said he will never go out with another famous person... unless they're really, really good looking. He said he hates having people interested in his life like that. Howard said they'll always be interested in his life no matter who he's dating. Jimmy said no one cares who Conan is dating or married to. Jimmy said it depends on how famous the person is that you're dating. Howard said he kind of gets that.
Howard asked Jimmy about Renee Zellwegger and if he'd like to bang someone like that. Jimmy said he doesn't want to date anyone famous. He said that's just not his thing. Howard asked if he has any fantasies about Carmen Electra or anyone like that. Jimmy said he needs some depth there. Howard asked if he thinks Sarah will date someone famous. Jimmy said he's not sure.
Howard asked Sal what he thinks is going on. Sal said he thinks Jimmy is dating a cook and he flies a guy in to cook with him. He said he wasn't supposed to say anything about that but that's what's going on.
Howard asked Jimmy if he and Sarah are going to become friends. Jimmy said he has enough friends. Howard told Jimmy he's a good looking guy and he should be able to find someone. Artie said Jimmy is the 7th best looking man in the room.
Howard asked Jimmy if he thinks that Jay Leno's prime time show is going to fail. Howard said he thinks he's made the biggest mistake by leaving. Jimmy said it would have been a terrible mistake for him to go to ABC to work at 11:30. Jimmy said that he doesn't think that the show will be successful and the local affiliates are going to demand something be done and he may just lose the show.
Artie asked if he thinks that Jay is taking Stuttering John. Jimmy said he thinks that John has been told that he's going and they're just keeping it a secret to make a big deal out of it.
Howard said he predicts Leno won't do well and the show won't last long. He said Conan may not do as well as Jay did and he'll have a tarnished image as well. jimmy said they're all going to be fucked if that's what happens.
Ralph called in and said he loves Jimmy but he doesn't know why he's not out getting laid and going crazy. Jimmy said he's really not that type. Ralph said he knows he doesn't have to pick up floozies or anything. Sal told Jimmy that he should be vomiting out at Howard's house (like Ralph). Jimmy told Ralph to give him a little time.
Sal told a quick story about how they fooled Jeffry Ross into thinking that someone else was going to be voted off of Dancing with the Stars and in the show when he got voted off, you can see the look on his face like he thought they had some kind of inside information. Howard let Jimmy and Sal go a short time later.
Another caller asked Howard why he has to have sleep over parties with guys like Jimmy. Howard said he wanted to see Jimmy and they had a chance to hang out so he stayed over at his place. The caller said that he never has anyone over to hang out at his place. Howard said Jimmy doesn't live out there so he just had him stay over.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if there is a way they can record off the air the conversation Howard has with Artie telling him that this is the Howard Stern Show and not the Artie Lange show. Artie said he's had that one.
Another caller asked if Jimmy is part ''Chinaman'' or if he squints like that on purpose. Howard said he never noticed that and doesn't look at him like that. The caller said it is pretty noticeable. Howard said Jimmy looks normal to him.
Howard said they're on the air today on XM, for free. Howard said they're on all week long. Howard said if you have an XM receiver in your car or something then you can tune in and listen. Artie said that this is going to ruin him because he ruined that Ben Stiller interview.
Howard said they have a great week of shows this week but he's not sure he wants to mention who they have coming in. He said they have hungry wolves trying to take their guests.
Robin said she thinks NBC did that to keep Conan there. Howard said he's not sure why they'd do that because Leno was beating Letterman already. Robin said she thinks they were looking long term and that might be why they were looking at Conan. He's been there for a long time and they wanted to keep him around. Howard said it all seems strange to him. He doesn't understand it.
Howard had some more Tradio stuff that Sal and Richard did. They got the hosts to say some more phony names and products. They obviously don't pay attention to what they're reading on that show. Howard played the clip and they said phony products like an ''exotic jungle bunny.'' They also mentioned ''Bukkake Sauce,'' ''Blumpkin pie,'' ''a golden shower bathroom faucet,'' ''a rim job 18 inch rim set'' and more.
Artie was laughing his ass off the whole time the clip was playing. Howard said that was amazing that they read that stuff.
Steve said that Janks may owe as much as $10-15,000. Artie said he's going to be doing the gig in the New Rochelle area on May 29th.
Artie said he will give Janks everything he makes that night but if he's short, he's not going to give him the rest. Artie said they'll get close to what he needs but that's all he's doing.
Steve said that High Pitch Eric is in deeper than ever with his troubles. Steve also had some promos for a couple of shows that are on today and also for the XM listeners who were getting the show this week on Howard 100 and 101.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down his list of subjects for today's show. They spent a short time talking about some of the subjects he had for today. Howard asked Robin if she now realizes that she has a cold.
Howard said Dan was in there with Scott who is one of his students. Howard asked Scott where he's ranked. He said he was up around 1645. Howard said he and Scott have played and they're pretty evenly matched.
Scott told Howard he studies about 3-4 hours a night. Howard said that's why he won't play him anymore. He said he doesn't have the time to play that much every night. Scott said he doesn't play as many games as Howard does though.
Howard said that Scott had donated some money to a charity and that's how he got on the show today. Scott talked about that charity and how they have a chess tournament where they raise the money.
Howard said he lost a game this weekend and he wasn't able to sleep. That's how into the game he gets.
Robin got to her news and read about how Jerry O'Connell and Rebecca Romijn had pictures of their kids in a magazine this weekend. Howard said they may have done that figuring the paparazzi were going to get shots anyway so they did posed pictures instead. Howard said he's not sure how much say Jerry had in that call anyway.
Robin read about how 8 million people had tuned into the Farrah Fawcett special last week. Robin said she watched it for a little while but it was so real and painful but then they went to commercial. She said it was too sick for her to watch them doing that while she was dying.
Robin said Farrah started filming the whole thing when she went in for her diagnosis. She said she apparently doesn't understand having a private moment. Robin said they showed Farrah's son going to say hi to his mom all shackled up. They kept that a secret from her though.
Robin read a story about a 60-something year old woman who had been impregnated. They spent a short time talking about that. The woman did that so she'd have someone to leave her money to. Howard said that if anyone wants to leave money to anyone, they can leave it to him. Artie said he's going to leave his all to Howard. He'll just leave 10 grand for his mother and sister and give the rest to him.
Robin read a story about some workers at Yellowstone National Park who peed in Old Faithful. Howard said people are sick. He said that's disgusting.
Artie said he saw Mt. Rushmore one time and almost got arrested when he peed outside. Howard said that's one thing but peeing in a geyser is another.
Robin read a story about how two Continental airlines were tracked with green lasers as they took off recently. Howard asked what kind of lunatic would do that. He said people are insane and have too much free time. Robin said sometimes they do that kind of thing to try and blind the pilots. They had to take a break right around that time.
After the break, around 10:10am, Howard said he had a news story about Dennis Rodman walking out on a bill at some restaurant. They claim he may have been drunk at the time but Howard said he can't imagine that happening even if he was drunk.
Robin read a story about Mary Carey returning to adult movies even though she said she was getting out when she went into rehab. Robin read about some of the stuff she's going to be doing in the movies with Dr. Screw.
Robin had a story about Martin Scorsese doing a biopic on Frank Sinatra. They claim that Johnny Depp or James Franco could play the part. Robin said some other names were Jake Gyllenhaal, Justin Timberlake, Mark Wahlberg and some others were thrown around as well.
Howard brought up Mr. Methane, who has been on the show, and how it's a true talent in his eyes. Howard said he was on Britain's Got Talent and they treated him like garbage on that show. Howard said he has to say that Mr. Methane was mistreated and he was looking to put him on Broadway himself. Howard said the guy is a real talent no matter what anyone says.
Howard talked to Scott and Dan about their chess games a little more. Howard said he wanted to get Artie involved in that to keep his mind off of heroin. Artie said he has taken up a hobby and that's smoking cigarettes. He said that maybe they could do something more interesting like watching paint dry.
Robin read about some students that boycotted their graduation when President Obama appeared. Howard said he had Julia Child at his college graduation. He said he didn't want to hear her speak but he went anyway. Howard said the students should have gone to graduation with Obama even if they don't agree with his views on abortion.
Robin had some audio of Obama speaking at Notre Dame. Howard played through some of that and then gave his own thoughts on abortion. He and Robin spent a few minutes talking about that and playing the clips of Obama's speech. She also had some audio of the protesters praying during his speech.
Robin read about congressman Wiener who is pushing for sex education in schools because so many kids aren't using condoms these days. Howard said he likes Congressman Wiener because he never changed his name. Gary told Howard that Michael Savage changed his name from Wiener to Savage. Howard said people should be proud of their names even if they're born with a name like Diarrhea. Howard said he admires Congressman Wiener because of that.
Robin said they're debating gay marriage in New York. She said Mayor Bloomberg was at a rally in favor of gay marriage. Howard said he's going to a gay wedding in September. He didn't elaborate on that.
Robin said that Wiener may run for Mayor of New York City. Howard said he's a Bloomberg guy and he'd have to stick with him. He said he's not a bad mayor.
Robin had some audio of some people talking about the gay marriage thing. She said some people are worried it will hurt small businesses if they do allow it.
Robin read a story about a high school teacher who was accused of having sex with his student. Robin said the 34 year old met a 17 year old at a Holiday Inn a bunch of times this year. Robin said he could face 15 years in prison. Artie said someone in his class married a teacher.
Dan told Howard he had a teacher who came on to him. He said that she backed into him with her legs when he was running the projector in class. He said when he turned around she gave him a little smirk. He said she drove him home at one time too and showed some kind of interest in him. Howard asked if she was hot. He said she was. Artie said the only part of that story he believed was that he was running the projector.
Robin read a story about the 55 year old guy who died of swine flu there in New York City. Robin said it was another Wiener, Mitchell Wiener. The guy was a teacher at a school there.
Robin read a story about a cougar that was on the prowl in Michigan. The Cougar was shot with a tazer but they discovered it was a fake, toy cougar. Robin had some audio of a police chief talking about that. Robin said they're saying that the prankster, if caught, could face 90 days probation and some court fees and other things.
Robin read about Rachel Alexandra, the horse that won the Preakness this weekend. Howard took a call from a guy who claims that he had sex with his third grade teacher. It was Beetlejuice. Howard asked him about that story and Robin said that might have been Jerry O'Connell's mother who did that. Howard asked Beet how he's doing. Beetlejuice said everything is good. Howard asked if he's appearing anywhere. Beet said ''probably, you never know.''
Robin said on Grey's Anatomy they may have had some inaccurate information about cancer. They had a story about a patient who was dying of cancer and she could have brain surgery to remove it or they could give her a drug to get rid of it. Real doctors were upset about the way the story was told because they weren't quite right about it.
Robin said that Crosby Stills and Nash are going out on tour this summer. Howard said he'd love to go see them but he'd like it if they had Young on that tour too. Robin mentioned the Demos album that they played on the show recently while doing that story.
Robin played some audio of Carrie Underwood performing a Motley Crue song. Artie made some puking sounds when he heard that.
Robin played some of the new Eminem album and Artie said it sounds like the same stuff he put out 5 years ago. Robin said the album ''Officially drops'' on Tuesday. Artie goofed on her about that. He asked if she was Oprah all of a sudden.
Robin read that Duff McKagen from Guns N Roses is some kind of financial genius. Howard said he'd give his money to Bernie Madoff before he'd give it to Duff. Robin said he writes a financial column for Playboy magazine. Artie said it's no wonder Playboy isn't doing well. Howard said Beetlejuice writes their neurosurgery column.
Howard said he likes Robin's new way of saying something is opening by saying ''drops.'' He's going to start using that.
Robin had some audio of Christian Bale talking about the new Terminator movie. Howard said he's boring after hearing the clip. He said he's boring except when he's yelling at someone.
Robin had some audio of Jessica Biel talking about the differences between American's and English as she was talking about a new movie she's in.
Robin had some audio of Ben Stiller talking about his Night at the Museum movie. Howard said he loves Ben but he's glad he didn't tell the story there.
Robin had some news about Angels and Demons making $48 million at the box office this weekend. She had some audio of a guy from that movie talking about it but Howard didn't last long.
Robin finished up with a story about tonight's ''Medium'' because Rumer Willis will be in the show. She had some audio of Rumer talking about that. Howard cut it off after a few seconds. Fred played some snoring sounds over a second clip. They had to end the show a short time later, right around 10:50am.
Gary said Howard is always good about it when he has friends coming on the show and stuff. He said Howard takes it all very personally.
Jon said Howard admitted he had no idea what was going on with Jimmy and Sarah after hearing him talk about it for a while. Even after today he may not know much. Jon had Teddy play some of the audio of that part of the interview.
After the clip Jon asked Gary if he knew who dumped who. Gary said he didn't know anything until today. Jon said Jimmy also revealed that he won't have Sarah on his show right now. He said maybe things are really awkward. Gary said Jimmy said she was only on twice a year but it seemed like it was more than that.
Gary said Jimmy doesn't have a big ego at all and he doesn't seem to mind that he has to share a room with his cousin.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked why Howard doesn't call Jimmy out on the way he rips off the show. Gary said Howard must not see it that way. Ralph is the one who has an issue with it and Howard apparently doesn't. Gary said Howard just isn't feeling it for whatever reason.
The caller also asked Gary about what's going on with Gilbert Gottfried not being on the show in almost a year. Gary said there is no issue and he should be on before they go on vacation next. The caller said he thinks that it's a bullshit answer and he should be on a few times a year.
Gary said Gilbert comes on the show when he wants to and he has never called him to come in except for a couple of things over the years. The caller didn't believe him about Gilbert but Gary insisted that they don't call Gilbert, he calls them.
Gary said it's not up to them, it's all up to Gilbert. The caller didn't seem to believe it. The guy said Bob Levy has been on the show six times this year and Gilbert hasn't been on in a year. Gary joked that Bob Levy was Beetlejuice's driver so that's why he's been on so much. Gary said that was just a joke, just like when Bob jokes about people in a roast.
Jon asked Gary about the conversation Artie and Jimmy had about their speeches at Howard's wedding. There was some confusion there and Gary said he had no idea Jimmy was even making a speech that night.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he loves Gilbert Gottfried but that caller was out of it and Gilbert isn't up to anything right now so he's not going to come in.
The caller was also talking about how the XM listeners are hearing boring stuff today and it kind of sucks that they have Ben Stiller and Howard's chess coach on today. The guy said they should have had the Intern Beauty Pageant this week. Gary said they have people who think that the Pageant is boring so there are people on both sides of that fence.
The caller wasn't too thrilled with the Jimmy Kimmel interview today. He didn't think the Ben Stiller thing went that well either with Jimmy sitting in. The caller said he loves the Wack Pack stuff the best. Gary said they'll have more tomorrow and every day will be different.
Gary said he just watched that movie over the weekend and it was great. Jon said it wasn't just that movie, it was any movie that has mistaken identity in it. Benjy said Howard has talked about that before but he wonders what it is about that kind of story he doesn't like. Benjy said Howard might not like people fooling around and doing nonsense. Jon thought it was pretty bizarre.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked about Artie mentioning that he had been spoken to about interrupting the show and stuff. He wondered if Gary was ever involved in any of those conversations. Gary didn't know what the guy was talking about. Jon had to explain it to Gary and said he thinks that Artie was joking.
A caller said that Artie seems to be shot out of a cannon this week and last and he's wondering what's up with that and if Howard is allowing it. He said he seems to be talking too much during interviews. Gary said he's confused about that because it sounds like he liked it. The caller said it made for a good show when Artie was on heroin. He said Artie is just talking too much but he will come in with a good one once in a while.
Gary said Artie is more alert lately but it is his job to talk on the show. He said even Artie admitted he may come on too strong but you have to take what you get with him.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that the prank calls Sal and Richard are making are really good these days. He said he had to bust Howard's balls a little bit about being 25-30 years older than Beth. He didn't think anyone had the balls to do that. Gary said he's only 19 years older and they have made fun of him about it before.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he had a friend of his throw out a pitch at a baseball game. He said it was actually worse than Gary's pitch and when he did that the whole crowd was yelling out ''Baba Booey.'' Gary told him to send over the video so they can pile it on.
Jon asked Gary if there is ever going to be an end to this. Gary said it's better today than it was 7 days ago. He said he's not sure if it will go away though. They had to go to break after that.
Jon and Gary talked about how Ben was looking today and how strange it was. Gary said it seemed like Ben was kind of downtrodden today. Gary said he didn't buy that he didn't know how many movies he was in that made over $100 million either.
Jon and Gary talked about ''Tropic Thunder'' and how ballsy it was to make the movie. Gary said if you tried to make the movie today with Sal playing the part that Robert Downey Jr. did, you'd never get it done. Gary said the movie was so well written that it turned out great. Gary said it could have gone horrible wrong in the hands of another actor.
Jon brought up Ben's comments about his marriage and also the Neil Patrick Harris discussion they had. They played some audio of that part of the interview.
Jon wondered what you're supposed to say to that Neil Patrick Harris thing. He wondered how you have that conversation with your wife. Gary said you never want to hear about the guys your wife was with before you met her. He said you really don't want to hear about the gay guy she was with before you.
Jon brought up Owen Wilson's suicide attempt and how Ben kind of backed off on that discussion. Gary said he didn't think it was out of line. Benjy said he didn't think Ben handled it very well. He said he made it seem like it was a horrible thing to talk about.
Jon took a call from a guy who tried to tell a joke about Gary but Jon and Gary weren't laughing. The caller also said he thought Ben Stiller was great on the show today and it was nice that they had an A-lister on the show.
The caller was also telling Gary that the only way he can get over this pitch thing is to go back out and do it again. The guy said that his kids are going to have to hear about it in school for the rest of their lives. He said Gary might screw up again but if he goes out and throws a strike then he might get over it.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he has to credit Gary with having a thick skin to let all of that stuff roll off his back. The guy also asked if Ben stayed in the city with Howard or out in the Hamptons. The guys were pretty sure it was out in the Hamptons.
The caller was talking about seeing pictures of Howard's house and how nice it looked. The guy was also saying that he liked Jimmy and Ben being on the show at the same time. He said it was cool hearing Artie talking to Jimmy too because it seemed like three guys just sitting around shooting the shit.
Jon brought up the Tom Cruise discussion and how Artie went off on him while Jimmy and Ben were talking about what a nice guy he was. Gary said that happens with a lot of people. You don't get along with everyone. Gary said it sounds like Tom and Artie didn't get along that well while Tom and Jimmy really do.
Jon took a call from a woman who said it was nice hearing Jimmy talking about his relationship with Sarah. Jon asked Gary if he thinks Jimmy is going to be able to avoid being reported on if he starts dating someone who isn't famous. Gary said there's no way he'll be able to avoid that.
Gary said Artie has had some more edge to him lately. He said he said something to Ben Stiller about the new Meet the Parents movie and how De Niro is going to ruin his career with another bad movie. That was pretty tough.
The caller said she thinks that Artie takes every chance he can to bash people on the show. She said it's kind of dragging the show down. She said she was kind of embarrassed for the show the way Artie was treating their guest Ben Stiller.
Jon said Artie is just doing his thing and he has been kind of fired up lately. He said saying that he's insulting people with every line is going a little far.
Another caller said he thinks Artie is great when he does stuff like that. The caller also talked about Gary's pitch and about Artie being on SNL and how no one mentioned it on the show at all today. Gary said he heard about it but didn't know they skipped over it all today.
Gary said he thought it was at the end of the show that Artie appeared. Jon told Gary it was a sketch they did and Artie just showed up. Jon said they might bring it up tomorrow or the next day, today was just jam packed.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Artie and Norm kind of took off running toward the audience during that scene. Teddy said he saw that and Artie said he and Norm were doing a Belushi and Aykroyd thing where they just sprinted up the aisle at the end of the show.
Another caller asked about Artie doing the benefit show for Janks and if that's really the right thing to do. Gary said Artie is doing it as a favor for Janks doing the stuff he has done for the show over the years. Artie can identify with Janks who claims that he was on drugs. Benjy also said that Artie said he would do it early on and he would never back out of anything like that.
Another caller said that Artie is funnier now than he even was before his therapy. He said Artie is the most real guy on the show and he lets everyone know what he's up to. The caller said Artie is just ribbing the guys when he's making fun of them on the show too. He's not doing it to really hurt anyone.
Jon took another call from a guy brought up Gary's pitch and the way Howard wants Artie to be on the show so that's why he's on. He said that if Howard wanted Andy Griffith on the show he'd have him. He has Artie instead.
Jon took a call from this guy Danny who joked about Gary's pitch. Danny calls in and goofs on the Mets all the time. He was throwing out jokes about Gary and no one was laughing. Gary said he had no idea what the guy was talking about.
Ralph called in and said that caller's call was probably his worst yet. He said he's usually not that bad. Gary explained who Ralph was too for the XM listeners.
Ralph said that he wanted to talk about the chess player discussions they had today. He said that they're not all geniuses like they want you to believe. Ralph said there was one discussion about Wayne Gretsky and how he knows where guys are going to be on the field and then said that he knows where guys are going to be when they ''throw it to them.'' Ralph said the guy didn't even know the difference between football and hockey. Dan was in the studio and said that he knows the game and he was just throwing stuff out there during the show. Ralph said ''whatever'' and laughed at his minor screw up.
Jon said that they were just about out of time. He said that Artie mentioned he can't call Yankee Stadium ''Yankee Stadium'' because it's just not the same place now. Gary said it just takes some time. He said he hasn't been there yet but he will be there later this year. The guys had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about XM radio listeners being able to hear the show this week. He said Tim let him know that Jet Blue must have XM radio because they're able to listen on their flights. Howard said he's not even sure what Tim was talking about.
Gary said he flies Jet Blue a lot and he understands it. Artie said he speaks fluent Tim Sabean. Howard said sometimes he's not sure what he's talking about, he just knows that something exciting is going on. Howard said Tim is skinny now and Robin helped make that happen. Artie said Tim used to be a fun guy to hang out with. That's before he stopped chewing.
Robin said Tim has been hugging her and calling her his angel lately. Howard asked how his breath has been. Robin said that was just something that sticks around in the beginning of the detox.
Artie said Norm did his Burt Reynolds impression over there that night. He said he was hanging out in Norm's dressing room and everyone there are huge fans of the show.
Artie said they did this huge sketch at the end of the show and Will Ferrall was playing a businessman. To get out of paying the check he starts singing ''Goodnight Saigon'' and Will ends up walking out on the check when they all walk off stage.
Artie said Marcy Klein, who is Calvin Klein's daughter, was there and she's really hot and sexy. Artie said she does some kind of internet radio show or something. Howard asked Artie to get to the story since he was going on and on about this Marcy Klein chick.
Artie went on to talk about how they asked everyone famous there to just come out on stage and do this sketch. Artie said he didn't want to do it. He said Marcy grabbed him and brought him out there to the stage and made him do it. He said he was having a blast there so the next thing he knew he was getting ready to go up on stage.
Artie said he got up on stage and exited when they told him to. He didn't even rehearse. He said Tom Hanks was on stage, Anne Hathaway, Green Day and everyone else was up on stage. Artie said he couldn't have fucked it up too bad.
Howard asked Artie if this was risky to his sobriety. Artie said Norm was sober so he was fine there. He did go to the after party and just drank water all night. He said he saw a lot of people he hadn't seen in a long time. Artie said he's been smoking cigarettes a lot so that's what he did all night. Artie said that everyone was smoking there in the smoking area they were in. He said he couldn't even move because there were so many people there.
Artie said he saw a lot of people from L.A. that he hadn't seen in a long time. Artie said Lorne Michaels came up and shook his hand on stage.
Artie said he and Norm were up on stage and someone yelled out Artie and people cheered. He said Lorne was fine with him being there even though he wasn't scheduled to go up there.
Artie said he had a girl he wanted to invite up there to the after party. He said he doesn't have a cell phone though. He said Craig Gass was there so he borrowed his phone. Gass was asking if he was going to get his phone back. Howard asked what Gass was doing there. Gary said he's known for going to after parties like that and he gets into a lot of them.
Artie said Craig has made a lot of contacts in his life and he can get into stuff like that. Artie said Craig was there with his girlfriend.
Artie said a ton of celebrities hang out there at SNL in this room next to Lorne's office. Artie said he had Craig's cell phone for like 4 hours there. Artie said he called the chick on Craig's phone. He said he couldn't leave the party until he found Craig and he had to stick around until about 5 in the morning until he found him. Artie said he has like 7 phones now but he doesn't have any of them on him.
Gary said Tim has so much energy lately that he comes into the studio and fluffs up the pillows. He said he's asked him to stop doing that.
Howard said Tim comes into the studio and he thinks he wants to talk about something but he actually doesn't. He said Tim has been coming in and fluffing up those pillows so Gary yelled at him to stop it.
Artie said Tim was in there one day jumping up and down in the studio and the floating floor was bouncing around. Robin said she felt the floor move one day when Jason was walling out of the studio. Fred said it's really noticeable when a couple of the bigger guys are walking in or out.
Howard said the floating floor is the worst thing ever. He said he can hear and feel the sounds of it when people are walking on it.
Howard said they told him the floor is sound proof but it was anything but sound proof. He said they would have to rip out the floor to deaden it but they haven't been able to do it. Howard said he's been there for 3 and a half years and they haven't done anything to fix it.
Howard said it's enough of him being there. Howard said Jimmy told him he has to stay there because things are going so well but he can't take it. He said he's not sure they can keep doing it.
Gary asked Howard if he's going to be fine doing nothing. That's the question he hears all the time. Howard said he can straighten the pillows or the pictures in the hallway like Tim does.
Howard and Gary talked about the commercial breaks and how Tim will come in and make small talk when they really don't have time to do that.
Howard complained about Gary being in the studio yesterday when Ben Stiller was in there trying to say goodbye. Howard said he wanted to be gracious to Ben in the studio but Gary had to be a dick and force him out so he could talk to him about what they had coming up.
Gary said that at the old place they had so many commercials that they'd run out of things to talk about. These days they have so few commercials they don't have the time to fit it all in.
Gary said the chocolate wasn't there for a whole week. He said it came in on Wednesday and Howard found out about it yesterday. They have a system there and it works but Howard can't get to the list of stuff that they get so they can get back to people quickly.
Howard said he needs to get to some stuff quicker than they do and this is one of them. Howard said Letterman has people who do that stuff over there and they do it quickly. Howard said he's not even sure if it's Dave who is saying this stuff but that's the system he wants.
Howard said he knows that he's going to get aggravated about even having to have this meeting. Gary asked Howard about some guests who might be more important than others. Gary asked about Dee Snider and Howard said it would be important for him to know about something from him. Then Gary asked about Craig Gass. Howard said he wouldn't need to know immediately about that. Artie laughed and said he's pretty sure Gass wouldn't send him anything anyway.
Gary said Lisa Lampanelli was in there the other day and she handed him something before she left. Gary said he thinks he knows who would need to get a note back immediately and who wouldn't. Howard said Lisa gave him her DVD and that's not something he'd have to get back to her about.
Gary asked what he should do if Lisa Rinna sends him a copy of her book. Gary said that if it's a personal item or a gift he should know but he's not sure what her book would be considered. Howard told Gary he got it right and her book would be a promotional item.
Howard and Gary went over some other stuff that they should be setting up. Howard said if someone sends him a Kindle because they liked it and thought he'd like it, he should know about that immediately. Gary said that there are other things that are in a grey area that he's not sure about. He mentioned a Bobby Slayton thing with some clothes he sent to Howard. Howard said Gary has to judge the level of the celebrity and the gift they send. The only one Gary has gotten wrong is the Carol Leifer thing.
Howard asked Gary if he can get this thing together. Gary said he, Laura and Tracy can work it all out and figure it out.
Howard said he had to set up a system with Gary and the hot chicks that he would say he wanted to go out with when he was single. Howard said he would say that he wanted to go out with a chick and expected Gary to get their number for him. Gary said he didn't get one very important person's number one time and that was a big mistake. Howard said he was very lazy dating back then and that's how he wanted to get numbers.
Artie asked Howard how many girls that were on the show did he bang. Howard said it wasn't a lot. He said it was probably under 5. Gary said he had 3 in his head. He said one of them was one that Howard didn't even know he knew.
Gary said there was at least one that jumped to mind that Howard liked when he met them on the air. Howard said there were some who were on that just didn't get along with him.
Howard told Gary to write down the names but then thought better of it. He said that it's water under the bridge and he's married now.
Gary said he's happy that Howard is happy because he's known people who were miserable working for people who weren't happy in relationships. He said if Howard wasn't happy they'd all be miserable there.
Howard said Robin wasn't even that happy with Beth when he first started dating her. Robin said she was kind of tired of the revolving door that Howard had. She said she wasn't sure she should even learn Beth's name back then because she wasn't sure how long it was going to last.
Gary said Beth was very cool back then and he wondered if she really could be that cool. Artie said that she might be the nicest person he's ever met in his life. He said everyone he knows who meets her says the same thing.
Gary said Beth is the same person now that she was back then. Howard said he's actually been talking to her about being more of a prick. He said they have workers in the house and stuff and he needs her to be a little bit more of a prick toward them than she is.
Howard said Beth actually has started taking over some stuff and he really likes that. He said she has taken it over so he doesn't have to worry about it and he loves when she does that.
Howard said he saw a clip of a reporter talking about a bad pitch being a ''Baba Booey.'' Artie said he doesn't even think that Chris Rock is as funny as that pitch was.
Howard played some new clips that JD pulled from various sports reports about Gary's awful pitch. Howard said this thing has an endless life.
In one clip the reporter was talking about Gary's pitch and they mentioned his ''Baba Booey'' name in that. Then Jim Rome had something to say about it in another clip. Rome talked about some other first pitches and compared them to Gary's. Gary said they had a quarterback who threw a pitch and it went as far to the left as his went to the right.
Howard said his father brought up the pitch again and that's the only thing he'll talk about. He said his father asked him if he knew what Gary did. Howard said his father has a theory on why he screwed it up. He said he should get him on the phone again so he can explain it. Howard said he was saying that Gary was trying to pitch but ended up throwing the ball instead. Howard said he didn't know what he was saying.
Gary said Howard's father is right. He said he was going to pitch but then changed his mind and tried to throw and it was like a combo of the two and that's what screwed it up.
Howard said his father thinks Gary was trying to put some heat on it and that's another problem. Gary said he wasn't trying to do that but it was a pitch that turned into a throw that just didn't work.
Howard talked about the day he and his father had a game of catch and he hit his father in the nuts with the ball. He said his father was the one who missed the ball and it wasn't his fault for not throwing well. He said his father never played catch with him again after that.
Gary said that there's this band out there that put out this song ''Choke'' and they're putting out their song with visuals of him in it. He said they're riding his back on this bad pitch. Gary said everyone sent it to him and he knew Howard was going to play that today.
Gary said he doesn't know these guys and it kind of pissed him off that they're doing this. JD said they changed some of their lyrics to go along with Gary's ''Baba Booey'' thing.
Gary said these guys had to go out of their way to fuck with him. He said they made a song that wasn't about him into a song about him.
Gary said yesterday he got a text message from someone telling him that he throws like a fag. Gary said he called the guy back who left the message and cursed him out. It turned out to be Yucko. He didn't know it was him. Gary said he's not even sure Yucko knows it was him that called.
Howard played the song ''Choke'' that Gary was talking about. Gary said that there were people after 9/11 who dug their old songs out of the closet to play for the tragedy and said it was about 9/11 even though they were written years before. He said it's the same thing about this song.
Howard played ''Choke'' and said he actually liked it. They changed the lyrics to their song to fit in ''Baba Booey.''
Gary said the good thing is that there's no chance of the song becoming a hit. Artie said the song is really gay and they sound like chicks the way they sing ''Ba ba ba Booey'' the way they do in the song.
Howard told Gary he took a lot of grief on this thing and it probably won't stop anytime soon. Gary said he knows that. Howard said this will blow over at some point. Fred added ''...like Baba Booey.''
Howard had some audio of Jesse talking to Larry King about water boarding. Jesse was talking about how torture is against the law and how he would go after the people who were doing that stuff. Jesse said that the water boarding thing is like drowning and they were all put through that and he knows what it's like. Jesse said that if he had Dick Cheney for an hour he could water board him and have him confessing to the Sharon Tate murders in an hour.
Jesse was talking about how torture can make people confess to stuff that they didn't actually do. The people will confess just to make the torture stop. He said torture does not work.
Artie said that we don't torture people enough or the right way. Artie said that they have to torture these guys until they give up information and then go out and research to find out if it was right. Then, if it was wrong, you go back and torture some more until you get the right answer.
Robin and Fred argued with Artie about his opinion on that stuff. Howard cut them off and said he had to put a stop to that conversation.
Howard told Tim to get Beetlejuice, Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard together to discuss torture. Artie asked Fred what he would do if he had someone kidnap his daughter and he had to get the information out of them. Fred said he can't torture them, he said they'd have to figure out some other way to do it. Fred said he might kill someone in his family in front of him or something like that. Robin said that you need leverage.
Howard played the Hulk Hogan clip that he was going to play for Jesse. Hulk was on the Stern Show talking about Jesse and how he knows just a little bit about a lot of things. He brought up some stuff that Jesse had done back in the days when they were working together. Hulk said that Jesse smoked pot with him in a hotel room and did some other stuff as well. Hulk said that was back in the 80s though.
Howard and Artie said they believe that both Hulk and Jesse are honest guys so they weren't sure who they were going to believe. They had to go to break after that.
Howard said that was one of the best songs that Clapton ever wrote. He had Jesse Ventura come in after that. Howard said he's in to promote his book (Don't Start the Revolution Without Me!) that's out in paperback now.
Howard asked Jesse about what kind of music he's into. Jesse said he's into classic rock and the Rolling Stones. They spent a short time talking about his class and what their motto was supposed to be but the school didn't allow it. Jesse said he remembers it being ''Lovers of Sex, Drinkers of Wine, That's the Class of 69.''
Howard talked to Jesse about the war going on back when he was at the age when he could be drafted. Jesse said he actually volunteered to go in. Howard said he could have been a draft dodger. Jesse said his parents didn't want him going into the service but they didn't want them running away either.
Jesse said he and his father would fight over the Vietnam war when he'd come home. He said his father was right and he was wrong and he was able to come home and tell his dad that he was right all along.
Howard said his mother sat him down and said that if the war was going on she wanted him to go to Canada and get out of there. Howard said his mother didn't want him ending his life in a blood bath. Howard said he never got to consider it. He said he was in the lottery but by the time his number was called things were winding down.
Jesse said Howard may have been too tall back then. Howard said he's 6'5'' and that's not too tall. Jesse said 6'7'' is too tall. Howard said he would lose in hand to hand combat because he's too big. Jesse said he's 6'3'' now but he used to be 2 inches taller. He said he's been shrinking like everyone does.
Howard said he'd be humiliated if he had to fight in hand to hand combat. Jesse mentioned that he had been water boarded at one point and it is torture. Howard said they were just talking about that earlier. Howard asked Jesse what he would do if his daughter was kidnapped and they found a guy who had something to do with it. Howard asked if he would torture him. Jesse said he probably would. Jesse said that anything they say under torture isn't going to be trusted because they will say anything to get out of being tortured.
Howard asked Jesse about maybe sticking a nail in a guy's penis to torture him. Howard said they could do that but they might not get the right information. Jesse said torture just doesn't work. It's also against the law and they can't keep doing it.
Howard asked Jesse about what they might do if they find some people who had something to do with the 9/11 attacks. Jesse said that we should be above torturing people. He said that there has to be a better way to do things. Jesse said that there are innocent people who have been tortured and that's just wrong.
Howard said Jesse was saying that it was unnecessary to be tortured in the service because he says that he would go out in a blaze of glory before he'd be captured. Jesse said the Navy Seals have never been captured. They've had guys die but they never leave a body behind.
Howard asked Jesse about how a lot of these guys who have served in office end up leaving rich. He said guys like Gerald Ford have left millionaires and he wants to know why that is. Jesse said they must have good investors. Jesse said he wasn't able to do that. Howard said Ronald Reagan left and got a 2 million dollar pay off from the Japanese.
Jesse said he got paid $120,000 a year and they deducted his meals from that and also deducted his vehicle bills and things like that from his pay. By the end of the year he was making $60,000 a year.
Howard said that these guys who end up making a living off of it must be up to something. Jesse said they have to be up to something. Jesse had to go out and do other jobs to make money. Jesse said he took a lot of heat over doing other jobs. He said he was bailing hay on his farm for 3 bucks a bail. He said he was doing that on the weekends and also playing XFL football. He said people never gave him a hard time about the bailing hay but they did about the XFL thing.
Howard and Jesse talked about this election thing that went on between Al Franken and Norm Coleman. Jesse said that Coleman was a professional politician so he's trying to keep a hold of that job the best he can. Jesse said the guy has never had a job in the private sector and this election thing is going to make him do that. Jesse said that this guy should drop out like he was telling Franken to drop out early on and the guy just won't do it.
Howard said Jesse had a great line about Dick Cheney on Larry King's show. Jesse said if he had one hour with Dick Cheney and the water boarding thing he could make him confess to the Sharon Tate murders. Howard said that was a great line.
Howard brought up some of the stuff that has gone on with George W. Bush and his administration. He asked Jesse if he's upset that those guys didn't serve in the war. They spent a little time talking about that. Jesse said that those guys are the guys who will start a fight and then hold your coat while you go fight the guy they started the fight with.
Howard said he had a friend of his start a fight like that when he used to have body guards with him out in L.A. Howard said the guy just sat back and watched the fight that the body guards got into. Jesse said that's like Dick Cheney.
Howard gave Jesse a plug for his book ''Don't Start the Revolution Without Me!'' that's out in paperback now. Howard asked about his fourth book that he's working on now. Jesse said he's doing that one about conspiracies. He said that he thinks that the government knew that the attacks were going to happen at the least. He said they may have known more than we know about and that's what he's going to talk about in his next book.
Howard asked Jesse if he got any death threats about the conspiracy stuff. Jesse said that he hasn't gotten any about the 9/11 stuff but he did when he was in office. He said that he took them seriously back then. Jesse also told Howard that when he was out of office he no longer had any secret service coverage. He said he was just dropped out there naked.
Jesse told Howard that he lives in Mexico and he's an hour from a road and an hour from electricity. He said he has electricity down there but it's solar. Jesse said he has TV down there too but they can get satellite boxes down there that are pirate boxes. He said he's not allowed to bring in a legal box from the States. It's illegal to bring them in for some strange reason.
Jesse said he thinks that the Mexican government has been doing a good job trying to help stop the swine flu thing. He said that they're doing everything they can to keep people from spreading it.
Howard asked Jesse if he fears anything. Jesse said he fears that his kids will die before he does. He said he used to fear heights until he became a Navy Seal. He said he had to get used to heights doing that. He had to jump out of airplanes. He said he still doesn't like the heights thing but he had no choice when he was in the Seals. Jesse said that anyone who says they're not scared is a liar.
Howard asked Jesse if he looks at him like a woman. Jesse said that some of them are different than others. Jesse said he has to defy death once in a while to enjoy life.
Howard asked Jesse about getting laid when he was in the military. Jesse said they used to go to places where there were tons of chicks. He said that they were prostitutes and he thinks that prostitution should be legalized.
Howard asked Jesse if he misses the Philippino girls. Jesse said he's been married for 35 years and he doesn't miss it at all now. Jesse said he's still getting laid 3 times a week after 35 years. Jesse said he bets that he knows more positions than Howard does.
Jesse said his wife doesn't like the way Howard turns everything to dirty sex. Howard said it's great that he's with is wife that much after 35 years. He said it's actually kind of disgusting that they do it more than 3 times.
Howard asked Jesse about the last time he was on and how he talked about Hulk Hogan not wanting to unionize when they were wrestling together. Howard said Hulk Hogan was on and had his responses to what he said. Jesse said he didn't want to hear what he had to say. Jesse said Hulk went on Arsenio Hall's show and said that he didn't take steroids. Jesse claims that he admitted to doing them back in the 90s but Hulk denied that he ever did them.
Howard asked Jesse if he smoked pot too. Jesse said he has and he thinks that it should be legalized. Howard asked Jesse some more about the Hulk Hogan stuff and Jesse told Howard that Hulk was actually charged with a sexual assault in Minnesota. He said that he knows that the chick was telling the truth because she claimed he had a tiny penis and he had seen him and she was right. Jesse said that means that she saw him nude one way or the other so he believed her story.
Howard asked Jesse about Hulk's penis and if it was like a baby penis. Jesse said it was more than that but it wasn't that big. Howard said Hulk is going to come back and tell them about his penis too.
Howard asked who had the biggest penis back then. Jesse said he doesn't remember that. He said he left wrestling back in 1990 so he hasn't been around those guys in a long time.
Howard said he has a feeling that Jesse is going to run for President. Jesse said there was a time when he would entertain that but not now. He said he thinks Obama will get reelected unless something really terrible goes wrong.
Jesse said that he did a lot of reading about George W. Bush and he thinks that he's just like Blutarski in ''Animal House.'' He said that a lot of his classmates said that he was the last guy they'd expect to be President. Howard asked how he became Governor of Texas then. Jesse said ''His dad!'' Jesse said they were convinced that this guy was a bright man and it just wasn't true.
Howard said he never thought that Bush was in full control in office. Robin said that's what it was like in that movie ''W'' when Bush and Cheney were arguing over stuff.
Jesse said that the poor Mexicans are getting hit really bad with the economy being as bad as it is. Jesse said that he's been investing in the exchange rates and making money doing that. He said he really doesn't miss living in the United States though. He said they know that the government is corrupt down there. We think that our government isn't corrupt but it is.
Jesse said he has gotten out of some problems with the federalies down in Mexico by just pulling his Governor's card out. He said he just tells them that he knows the president and they let him go with a warning.
Jesse said they're very family oriented down there and his wife asked their neighbors if they could rent a horse and the guy said that they're his neighbors so they can come over and ride them any time.
Howard asked Jesse if he ever cries. Jesse said he cried when his parents died. Artie told him to rent Maid in Manhattan and he'd cry.
Howard gave Jesse some more plugs for his book. He said that Jesse has said that he will never run for president. Jesse said he never said ''never.'' He said he has learned to never say never at his age.
Howard asked Jesse why he thinks Obama hasn't gotten them out of Iraq yet. Jesse said that they have probably told him that they're in it over there for the whole oil thing and that's why they're not pulling out yet.
Howard asked Jesse about Rush Limbaugh saying that he wants Obama to fail. Jesse said Rush is a buffoon and making statements like that is very unpatriotic. Howard said he even prayed to god that Bush would be a good president.
Howard asked if the stock market is going to go back up. Jesse said he thinks that it will take a few years but it will go back up eventually. He hopes it will anyway. Jesse said he has been taking his money and putting it into tax free municipal bonds instead of the stock market. Jesse said you have to stop gambling when you get older when you have less time to gamble on the stock market.
Jesse was telling Howard that he has all of this property down in Mexico and he only pays $400 a year in taxes. He said he's right on the beach down there.
Jesse said they have great food down there in Mexico too. He said he loves shrimp tacos and stuff like that. He can't drink because of some health issues he has.
Jesse told Howard he should come down and visit. He said that no one would bother them down there. He said they can go out surfing and boogie boarding and things like that. Jesse said he has a 5 mile run he does every morning. Howard said he does that too. Jesse said he has to do it on an elliptic machine right now because of his hips.
Jesse asked Howard if he can swim. Howard said of course he can. He said he's more like a penguin than a seal though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got done reading a book about a motorcycle gang and they claim that Jesse was a Mongol. Jesse said that he was and once you are one you are always one. Jesse said he was in that gang when he was in the Seals. He said it's not a gang either, it's a motorcycle club. Jesse asked how he knew that. The caller said he read it in a book. Jesse said he left them in 1975. He said he was allowed to leave because he was a Seal.
Artie said that Jesse has done everything that defines a bad ass. Jesse pulled out the Mongols card and showed that to Howard. He told him that he could get out of trouble with that card if he ever had any trouble with them.
Howard wanted to show Jesse Gary's pitch to show him the worst thing he's ever seen. Howard asked Jesse if he knows Chuck Zito. Jesse said he may have met him once but he wasn't sure.
Howard had the guys show Jesse the Baba Booey first pitch at Citi field. Jesse asked if Gary has never done anything. He asked if that was his first attempt at sports. Howard said he coaches little league. Jesse aid that was the worst throw he's ever seen in his life.
Jesse told the guys about how the Mongols were formed and how they were 90 percent Mexican because the Hell's Angels wouldn't allow Mexican's into their club.
Howard asked Jesse if he has seen guys killed and if that stays with him. Jesse just kind of hummed and said that some people just deserve to die. He said it doesn't stay with him.
Howard asked Jesse why he became a Mongol instead of a Hell's Angel. Jesse said his buddy rode Harleys so they got back and he bought one. Then he had to go back in and do another tour and some old friends were in the club so he got back into riding and they invited him to a party and he got into the club that way.
Jesse said that it was a new adventure for him and he went out and rose to the Sargent at arms position in the club. Jesse said he was a Seal so he was able to take all of the abuse that he got from the guys. He said he was known as Superman in the club because of the shape he was in.
Jesse told Howard how he met his wife and how tough it was for him to come back and deal with the American women after being overseas so much. Jesse talked about how when he was a Seal he never had to pay for sex over in the Philippines. Artie said he knows that comedians always pay.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Jesse about what he thinks about the Seals getting those Somali pirates. Jesse had a poem about that and he had said it when he first came into the studio earlier. Jesse said people need to understand why the pirates are doing what they're doing. He said that we're abusing their country and they're trying to get back. He said he doesn't agree with what they're doing but people need to know why they're doing it.
Ralph called in and asked Jesse about his 9/11 conspiracy theories. He said he sounds nuts talking about that stuff. Jesse said that the way the buildings collapsed defied physics. He said the buildings did not slow down as they were going down. There was also building 7 that collapsed and it wasn't even hit by a plane.
Jesse said he has tape of a woman describing building 7 collapsing and it hadn't even collapsed for 25 minutes. He said she knew about the collapse 25 minutes before it happened. Ralph said that it had to be a wide spread conspiracy if it's true.
Jesse said that he knew a guy who was involved with a conspiracy and didn't even know he was involved with it until after it happened.
Jesse said that the thousands of tons of concrete that was pulverized just doesn't happen falling to the ground. He said it looked like a demolition job to him. Jesse said that they could prove it to him if they showed him that a fire could bring down a building when they need to knock down a building.
Jesse said that the jet fuel that was in the buildings was gone in minutes. It didn't stay in there and keep burning. Jesse said that they claim that the planes crashing into the buildings had nothing to do with the building collapse. He said they claim it was the fires. Jesse said that's the first time steel structured buildings have collapsed that way.
Another caller told Jesse that there was diesel fuel in building 7 that burned and smoldered for a long time and made that collapse.
Artie asked Jesse if someone made a decision to take those buildings down. Jesse said he doesn't know. all he knows is that he's not allowed to ask any questions about it or talk about it. Jesse said that the government wouldn't even talk to him when he tried to do a TV show pilot about it.
Another caller asked Jesse what the worst thing he saw over in Vietnam was. Jesse said he didn't see that much over there because he got in there pretty late as the war was winding down. Jesse said he didn't have to see some of the horrors that other guys saw.
Robin asked Jesse what he saw in Wrestling then. Jesse said he saw a guy walk out and shoot three people at a match one time. The guy walked out of the building and got away. He tried to shoot the referee and ended up hitting three other people instead. He said to his knowledge that guy was never caught. The three people didn't die but it was the worst thing he'd ever heard of in wrestling.
Howard asked Jesse if Hulk came in and showed them his penis, would he believe it was big. Jesse said he's sure he's taking that stuff that makes your penis longer. Jesse said he never saw Hulk erect so he's not sure how big he actually is.
Artie asked Jesse if he was saying that Hulk sold steroids. Jesse said that it wasn't like that back then. He said that they were all doing stuff like that and they were all helping each other out. He said he wrestled 63 nights in a row at one point so he'd blame the wrestling thing and not the steroids.
Howard said it must have been scary when he was wrestling and saw that they had no retirement plan or anything. Jesse said that's why he tried to get the union going.
Artie said it's really sad to see Iron Sheik come in there limping and without much money. Jesse said that wrestlers aren't investors and there are many who don't have a lot of money now. Jesse said if they had a union they could have gotten benefits and health care and things. He said Hogan apparently didn't think that was a good cause.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he had picked up his jet skis from Pedro. The guy said he read his book and knew about that. Jesse said he did pick that stuff up eventually. Jesse said that the guy held his stuff for him and told him they would be there when he returned. Jesse said they were still there.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that every interview he does is good. Howard said this is a guy who sits around listening to every show. Jesse said Howard is one of the best guys who has ever interviewed him. He said Howard and Larry King are great. Jesse said Larry will let you talk and not cut you off. He said Larry knows his guests are the stars and if he features them he will become a star along with them. Robin said Larry doesn't even listen to your answers.
Another caller asked Jesse to do an F, Marry, Kill with Dick Cheney, Hulk Hogan and... Howard cut him off and said that they're men, Jesse isn't going to say he's going to do anything with any of them. That led to Jesse talking about how ridiculous the whole Don't Ask, Don't Tell thing is. Jesse said that every gay man or woman should be allowed to join and talk about it. Jesse said the only thing he cares about is the guy getting the job done. He said that's all that counts.
Howard wrapped up with Jesse and asked him what he's going to be doing now. Jesse said he's actually going to play golf in Minnesota. He said he just goes out and plays with whoever is out there.
Howard asked Jesse if he takes golf lessons. Jesse said he doesn't bother. Howard told him he'd be great if he took lessons. Jesse said he learns from the guys he plays with so that's enough for him.
Jesse told Howard to come down and visit him in Mexico. Jesse told him where to fly into and how they could drive back to his house on a road that broke down a Hummer one time. Artie asked if he could come. Jesse told him ''no.''
Jesse said that for those of you who doubt 9/11, he wants to know why they can't ask questions about it and get answers from the government. Jesse said that in the old days you were allowed to question stuff like that. Artie said he doesn't agree with what he was saying but he will defend his right to say it. They had to end the interview and go to break a short time later.
Howard came back after the song was over and said he didn't know that he was in a lover's quarrel. He said Adam Carolla was on Greg Fitzsimmons show last night and Adam was fantasizing about what he and Jimmy do when Jimmy visits him. He said he can tell that Adam is feeling that he's losing Jimmy to him.
Howard played the audio of Adam talking about that on Greg's show. Adam said Jimmy has always been a huge fan of Howard's. Adam said he didn't fantasize about spending time with Howard like Jimmy has. He joked about how Jimmy wanted to butt fuck him.
Adam said he was thinking about Howard and Jimmy playing backgammon and scrabble together and things like that. He said he can picture Jimmy spreading the board on Howard's back as he's butt fucking him.
Howard said he thinks his shrink would bring that back to Adam and say that Adam is the one who is actually having those fantasies about doing that stuff. Robin said he must have thought about that stuff.
Artie said that when he talks about Howard to other comics they just kind of get annoyed that people are such huge fans. He said they have this bitter thing toward Howard when he has that type of admiration of Howard. He said that can turn into a jealously thing. That might be what's going on with Adam.
Howard played more of the Greg and Adam audio. Greg and Adam were making fun of Howard and Jimmy a little bit and having some fun with that. Adam said he thinks that he and Howard get along fine too but he's just not going to the Hamptons.
Howard said Greg's show has been good lately. He said he thought that Greg was on Tuesday nights at 7 but Artie corrected him and said that ''Craig'' was on Monday's at midnight. Howard got in some plugs for Jackie's Joke Hunt that's actually on Tuesday nights at 7. Howard said Riley Martin is also on at Midnight. Howard said he's having some aliens on for the first time. Howard plugged Riley's show for the XM listeners out there who were getting the show this week for free.
Howard played the clip that he played yesterday. Here's what I wrote yesterday:
Howard had some more Tradio stuff that Sal and Richard did. They got the hosts to say some more phony names and products. They obviously don't pay attention to what they're reading on that show. Howard played the clip and they said phony products like an ''exotic jungle bunny.'' They also mentioned ''Bukkake Sauce,'' ''Blumpkin pie,'' ''a golden shower bathroom faucet,'' ''a rim job 18 inch rim set'' and more.
Artie laughed his ass off through the whole thing once again today. Artie said he loves when the one woman says ''count me in'' to one of the references to ''droppin' loads.''
Howard played a new song parody about Robin. This one was to the tune of Queen's ''Bohemian Rhapsody.'' It was a huge production. Howard said it's amazing how much work they put into that song. Robin said it kept getting funnier as the song went along too. Artie said that one was right up there with the ''Scenes from an Italian Restaurant'' Baba Booey song parody.
Howard played the audio of Lisa talking about her post partum depression and how she wanted to kill her kids and her husband after giving birth with both of her kids. Even the interviewer asked Lisa why she would want to share that. Lisa said she wanted to share it because most women are ashamed to talk about that stuff. She got help and she wants other women to get help too.
Howard said he got something from the Screen Actor's Guild where they asked him to be part of the nominating team for the films for their awards show. Howard said he got really excited about that. Artie said he's been in SAG for like 15 years and never got one of those things.
Howard said he got a special card and a note that tells him how to get involved. Howard said he's going to do this. He said he may have waited too long though because the stuff has been in his bag for months. Gary told Howard that Richard Christy got the same letter. Howard said he's not doing it then.
Howard said he was going to give the caller 3 out of 5 chances to get it right. The first word was ''Cemetery.'' They had to guess if Bob could spell the word or not. Howard played the clip and Bob spelled it ''CEMATARY.'' Howard said he was closer than he thought he would be.
Howard said the next word was Vacuum. The caller guessed he was going to get it wrong. Howard played the clip and Bob spelled it ''VACCUM.'' Howard said he did better with that one too but still got it wrong.
Howard played the third clip which was Pigeon. The caller said he thinks he'll get it wrong. Bob spelled it ''PIGEON'' and got it right.
Howard said the next was Imitate. The caller said Bob was going to get it wrong. Howard played the clip and Bob spelled it ''IMATATE'' and got it wrong. The caller won $500.
The caller also told Howard that he has to stay around and not give up the show. He said even if they did just 2 or 3 shows in the afternoon he'd love it. He said that some new Howard is better than none. The caller said his day would just suck if he didn't hear Howard Stern.
Howard said he started out cranky and tired this morning so he's not sure what he's going to do. Howard told the guy not to worry about it. He said he's been threatening to leave since 1980 and he always seems to come back.
Howard played some more Bob clips. Here's what he misspelled with the correct word and Bob's spelling in caps:
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thought the interview with Jesse Ventura was fucking amazing. Howard said Jesse is a great guest to have on. He has opinions that he's not afraid to talk about. Howard said he'd love to have Hulk and Jesse on the show together though.
Howard said he would have liked to have had Hulk on the show but he didn't want to spring that on Jesse at the last minute.
Howard said they were getting calls from people correcting the spelling for the game because Sal had screwed it up. Sal said he Googles all of the words and he double checks it. Sal said someone else must have spelled it wrong online.
Howard said he thought he was wrong when he was spelling it. Sal said he blames Google for getting it wrong. Howard said Sal is making him look wrong.
Howard went off on Sal for not getting that stuff right. He told him to have someone else check it. Artie said that he should have Levy check it.
Ralph called in and goofed on Sal about the screw up saying that Bob Levy didn't look so stupid now. He said he was looking like a genius. Artie said he wouldn't go that far.
Artie told Sal to check a real dictionary and not do it online. Jason said that Google will tell you when you're wrong.
Fred said they misspelled Existence too. Howard said he knew he was right about that. Sal said he types in the word the way he thinks it's supposed to be spelled and he goes by what comes up on the screen. Sal said he knows from now on that he isn't to do that. Howard told Sal not to check any word. He said he's moronic. Howard told him that someone else has to check his work.
Howard said he's never spelled ''existence'' like that in his life. He told Sal he's a fucking retard. Howard and Artie did their Christian Bale impressions, from Terminator, and goofed on the way he was saying he was sorry.
Ralph said that he wasn't able to hear Sal over the phone either. He said it's kind of annoying and he can just barely hear him. Howard had him test that out a little bit but it wasn't working right. Howard played the audio of Christian Bale freaking out and yelling at a guy on the set of ''Terminator'' after that. Artie seems to love that freak out and loves doing his impression of Bale. Artie said Jason printed out the transcript of that freak out and it was really long.
Gary came in and said that Sal promised him that he would double check his spelling the last time he screwed up. Howard blamed Gary for letting him get away with it and said Sal can't be trusted with things where he has to spell. Howard said he's great at making prank calls but he's not good at spelling.
Gary said that there is no other explanation other than Sal being stupid. Sal said Gary is stupid for letting him do it.
Howard played more of the Christian Bale audio where he's yelling at the Director of Photography. Bale threatens to kick his ass or trash his lights if he keeps talking.
Gary went off on Sal again and said that he's going to start double checking on everything he does there now. Gary said he's going to double check when he gets there and when he goes out for smoke breaks and things. Sal said he's going to check on Gary too then. Gary said he's going to check if he's there on time every morning. Sal told him he should have double checked his work and he wouldn't be in this situation this morning.
Gary said Sal is the new Benjy. He showed up 10 minutes late this morning. Howard said Sal thinks this is a big joke but it's really not. Howard said he doesn't want Sal involved in this stuff when he makes him look like a retard like this.
Howard said Sal has to do it right if he's going to do it. Sal said he has technical problems. Howard said these are not technical problems. He needs him to really grow up and get his work right. Howard said he's not responsible. Sal said he is responsible and he's sorry he fucked up. He said he works at it every day. Gary told him to work harder.
Ralph told Howard he just Googled ''Execute'' and it was spelled right in the first response. Howard said no one around there ever gets punched. Howard said they screw up all the time and he has to sit there and absorb it all. He had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and asked what they were playing. Fred told him it was Green Day's new song. Howard had Steve Langford come in after that. Steve said they have new figures about the possible toll taken by Captain Janks. It's possible there were 60 bars and night clubs who he may have ripped off. The numbers could easily go over $20,000. The show that Artie is doing is on May 29th in Middletown, New York.
Artie said Janks isn't going to get out of jail if he took 60 places. He said he's not going to be able to cover Janks with the benefit if that's the kind of numbers he's going to have. Howard said Artie agreed to help Captain Janks out because of the stuff he's done for the show over the years. He said they had good feelings about Janks for all of that work and they feel bad for him.
Artie said Janks made some of the greatest phony phone calls of all time. He said a lot of people put up with his bullshit over the years and didn't fire him so he has compassion for people like Janks. He said if people didn't believe in him then he'd be homeless right now.
Howard said he can't imagine what was going through Janks' mind by not showing up to those appearances. Artie said he knows what that's like. He said he was using opiates and they become a part of you and you can't get away from it. He said the darkness of running out is just the worst and you start becoming a no-show.
Steve said that Janks told the judge that his problems were mostly alcohol based, not opiates. Artie said that's what Janks told them on the air though.
Steve said they have more about High Pitch Eric who is being evicted this week. He may end up in jail as well. Steve said they have some news about the Connecticut School of Broadcasting come back with only a fraction of the schools reopening. Artie said he graduated from that place, got a job at the Stern Show and they still wouldn't let him make a speech for the class there.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the list of subjects that they were going to cover today.
Craig said Artie was having a good time there and he introduced him to this comedian there and Artie offered him a gig. Howard cut him off and asked him where they were going with the story. Craig said Artie was sober that night too.
Howard said Craig is actually a great comedian and people should go see him. Craig said he's going to be making his premiere on Family Guy in about 4 months. Artie wasn't even sure what his name was. He asked if it was Craig or Greg. Howard had to tell him it was Craig.
Robin started off her news with a story about a guy who has turned his apartment into the Star Trek Voyager. Howard said they want to talk to that guy. Robin read that he spent just $6,000 on the conversion of his apartment. Howard said he can't believe he spent a ''whole $6,000'' on that. He said it's so sad when people do stuff like that.
Artie asked Howard about this place called Steiner's Sports who wanted to give him two of the Yankees seats from the old stadium. Artie said he's not sure he wants to accept them. He said he'd rather buy them from the guy.
Robin said there's a guy who yanks his pants down in front of kids who is known as ''Diaper Boy.'' A judge released him saying it wasn't against the law to do that. Now he's back behind bars for doing it again.
Robin read a story about a test they have for checking your breath to see if it's possibly bad. Howard said some people just don't know they have bad breath. Artie coughed out ''TimSabean'' when he heard that. The guys talked about the stinky breath thing for a short time.
Artie told a story about him and some buddies getting some whores one time and how one of the chicks showed up with a bag of McDonald's stuff. The chick didn't eat it until after she left. He said he asked her why she had the food and she told him she had to eat it now because she had a guy who wanted her to shit on him later.
Robin read a story about Donald Trump suing someone about being called a ''millionaire'' because he believes he's a billionaire. He thinks that's going to cost him business because this guy wrote a book saying he was only worth about $250 million.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was listening on XM this morning. The caller also asked what his favorite openings are for playing chess. Howard gave him his favorites and Artie said ''Lets get back to Craig Gass...'' They spent a little more time talking about the chess game stuff. Howard gave some of his favorite openings.
Robin read a quote from Shia LaBeouf where he talked about how sexy his mother was and how he would marry her if he could. Howard said it makes him sound like he might be gay but he knows that the guy is very heterosexual. He said he may have some issues though. They had to take a break after that.
After the break, around 10:15am, Robin got back to her news. She was in the middle of texting her trainer at the time. She said she was out very late last night and having a good time with some people. Robin said she hasn't been going to her trainer lately because she was feeling sick last week. Howard said he knows everything that's going on with her. He has his spies that fill him in on all of that.
Howard said he started the new season of The Bachelorette and there was a guy on there who tricked her into showing her feet. Howard said that was kind of creepy. Howard said Beth loves him so much when they watch that show. Beth sees how creepy those guys are and how he's not that creepy. Howard said Beth is very loving while watching that show. He said he tells Beth he saved her from that awful life of dating.
Robin said she's dated some too. She didn't want to talk about who she's seeing or any of that kind of stuff. Robin said she wasn't going to talk to them about that stuff. Artie said his sister Stacy goes out with Robin and she won't even tell him anything.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about some UFO sightings out in Arizona. It turned out to be a helium research balloon.
Robin read a story about the NBA conference finals kicking off tonight. That led to Artie talking about basketball a little bit.
Robin read a story about Shaquille O'Neil going to some sports program at Syracuse University. They spent a little time talking about that.
Robin said Michael Strahan is doing a sitcom for FOX. Artie said that's the one that Lisa Lampanelli is in.
Robin read a story about a doctor that was giving Twitter updates while he was operating on a 3 year old boy. They did 176 updates during the operation.
Howard wondered how they were doing with their Twittering. He said the last he knew they had Wendy the Retard doing it.
Robin read a story about a woman who had an affair with a man and ended up getting pregnant by her husband and the man who she had the affair with. She had twins and the two kids had different fathers.
Robin read a story about Mel Gibson's girlfriend being pregnant. Howard said that Mel Gibson is as mental as they come. He said he had the world by the balls and now he's having another kid with his girlfriend. Howard said the guy must have been unhappy in the marriage and now he's knocking up another chick. Artie said he acts like a guy who has a lot of guilt in him.
Robin read a story about how there are some people trying to get rid of the body scanners at airports because they think it violates people's privacy.
Robin said the state of Texas is putting to death a guy who killed some people in a robbery back in 1986. The guy, Michael Riley, is set to die via lethal injection tonight. She had audio of his last meal menu being read. Howard said they should make him drink a Slurpee and a corn dog since he killed someone at a convenience store.
Robin read about a school that was closed due to a death at a school in New York. Fred told Howard he had to do more live commercials but he didn't want to do it. Howard said he had to get out of there. He said he was going to throw up if he had to sit there any longer. Howard said this goes on all day long. He said he'd do them the best he could later.
Robin read about the guy who died of swine flu at the school in New York. She said an infant also died of swine flu.
Robin read that Rihanna was at Flashdancers over the weekend. She didn't get any lap dances but she was handing out tips according to the report.
Robin read about Hillary Clinton going out and speaking to graduates of the class of 2009. She was at a college yesterday doing that. She had some audio of her doing that. Howard said she should be out taking care of her job instead of doing that stuff. Howard said he does like Hillary though.
Howard had to read a couple of live commercials in the middle of the news. He didn't really go to break though, he just did the commercials and then had Robin get back to her news.
Robin got back to her news after finishing up another text. Robin read about Ted Kennedy's new book. As soon as they heard ''Kennedy'' Artie started in with his impression. Howard held off for a minute and didn't go into his impression. Howard eventually did it though. He and Artie were both doing their impressions for a short time. Fred got in on it a little bit as well.
Robin read a story about Obama's recent speech at Notre Dame which has re ignited the controversy over abortion. She had some audio of some guy talking about that.
Robin had a story about a picture that was taken from a Woody Allen movie and used in an American Apparel ad and a court case was just settled over it. Howard said he's pleased to see the outcome of that case. He said it is kind of funny that Woody was worried about his reputation being hurt. Artie said that is a guy who could take his wife to ''Bring your daughter to work day.''
Robin said that A-Rod may be with Kate Hudson. Artie said she was there at the game right behind the plate. Robin said she met him down in Miami last November.
Robin read about the movie ''Night at the Museum'' opening this weekend. She had some audio of an actress talking about her part in the movie. Howard said he hates to see these women fighting over these parts. He said they're pretty expendable and they can just disappear.
Robin said the new Terminator movie is getting 4 star reviews. Howard said he doesn't seem to have that much of an accent when he's yelling at that guy in the audio clip.
Robin had some other audio clips that she had Howard playing. Howard would let them play for a few seconds and then cut them off.
Robin read about the season finale for American Idol that's on tonight. Howard talked about that show and how he watches it with a big, rubber dildo in his ass. He said that with a lisp. Artie asked if Gary is going to be throwing out the first pitch on that show.
Robin had some audio from the American Idol finalists. Howard was correcting some of the stuff one of the guys was saying because he was so off when he said ''Me and Adam'' instead of ''Adam and I.'' Howard said he knows he's not the best with his English but that's an obvious thing.
Robin said that Phil Spector is in jail and he's not allowed to wear a wig there. Howard said it might not go over very well in jail. Robin said they say that he won't be allowed to have any of his hair pieces at all in there. Howard said he didn't know they were hair pieces because they were so bad. He said you wouldn't even think someone would make something so bad. Robin ended her news a short time later. Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
The first caller said that Artie is going to beat to death the joke about interrupting the show. That got Artie going off on him right away. Artie kept talking over the guy and the guy tried talking over him since he thought that's what Artie was doing to Howard on the show all the time.
The caller told Artie it doesn't take any talent to do what he does. Artie asked him why he's on the show then. The caller said Artie used to be funny. He said he stopped being funny until about 2 years ago. The caller said he was moderately funny for six years and just stopped about 2 years ago.
Artie said he didn't know what this guy was talking about. Gary asked the caller, Rick, what it was that changed 2 years ago. Rick said that Artie just interrupts the show with the same joke over and over again. The guy said that Artie is always doing the Lisa Lampanelli impression and things like that. Artie said he's there to make Howard laugh and that's what he does.
Artie asked the guy what he does for a living. Rick said it has no relevance to this conversation. Artie said that he has no relevance to life. Artie said the guy is bitter and he probably thinks he's funny himself and he's not. Artie said that he figures his friends all tell him he's funnier than him.
Rick said Artie doesn't have any comebacks for any of that stuff. Artie said he has plenty of comebacks. Artie kept asking him what he does for a living. Rick said it didn't matter in this conversation. Artie asked if he has a girlfriend. Rick said he has a job and he's married. Artie told him he's a loser because he's married without a girlfriend. Artie told him to come down there and he'd beat the fuck out of him. Rick said he had to go and hung up.
Jon asked Artie about yesterday's show when he said he may have insulted Ben Stiller. Artie said he was just kidding about that and he didn't insult the guy. He said he was never going to work with the guy anyway.
Artie said it was kind of crowded in the studio yesterday with Ben and Jimmy in there. He said he really doesn't care if anyone is laughing at him other than Howard. He said that's the guy he's making laugh and that's the job he has there.
Artie said he might have to shoot up before the show from now on to stop from interrupting. Jon asked Artie if he thinks he's funnier when he's fucked up. Artie said he doesn't think he's that funny at all, he actually agrees with Rick on that.
Artie said he's an asshole and he's homophobic but he somehow has four homes. He laughed when he said that. Artie said that guy Rick has no job, no wife and no girlfriend.
Gary said Sal claims that he had things under control with the spelling thing. He obviously didn't have it under control.
Artie said Sal screwed that up just 10 minutes after that great Tradio show clip. Artie said he loves it when Sal turns that stuff on Gary. Jon said they knew that was coming too. Jon asked Gary why that happens. Gary said Sal has been walking around blaming him for that stuff and saying that he's letting him believe he's the boss but he does what the fuck he wants.
Jon asked if that's the rap that Stuttering John used to have. Gary said that's kind of the same thing but not exactly. He said John had a different way of doing it. He said Sal is doing things a little differently and claiming that he's actually the boss there. Gary said Sal claims he's going to double check his work but he's the boss there so he's not sure why.
Jon had Teddy play some of the audio of Howard talking about Sal's screw up with the spelling of the words for the game.
Jon said that Sal blamed Google in that clip. Gary said if you search for Websters you can get the dictionary. He said it's very simple to check the spelling. That led to them talking about Marvin Webster for a minute. Gary told a story about the guy. Artie said that the difference between the Howard Stern Show and the Wrap Up Show is that if you mention Marvin Webster on the Wrap Up Show, one of the hosts will tell a story about him.
Artie said he likes to throw out sports references on the show and he likes to see the reactions from Gary and Jon since Howard won't respond.
Artie said that he threw out a sports reference once on the show with some stupid slut in the studio who was talking about Fred Durst. He threw out a Barry Larkin reference and Stuttering John was the only one to react to it.
Sal came in so Jon asked him about blaming Google for his spelling problems. Artie said he loves that he blamed them like that. Artie told Sal that he did that great prank on Tradio and then screwed up that game 10 minutes later.
Sal said that he used to Google words and never noticed ''did you mean...'' on the screen before. Sal said he found that people misspell words just like him by doing that.
Jon asked Sal about the rumors that he's going around claiming that he's in charge of Gary and he's just letting Gary believe that he's the boss. Sal said he may have said that in front of the camera, he didn't mean it.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks that Sal has any respect for his job. Gary said he thinks Sal is the kind of guy who will do anything to make himself look good.
Sal said he has been trying not to break Gary's balls lately but he can't avoid it. He said he will attack when he's being attacked himself sometimes.
Sal said he knows why Howard feels like he was made to look like an asshole today. He said he gets that he made him look like a fool with the words spelled wrong.
The guys were asking Sal about some of the other stuff that he's done over the years and how he gets brow beaten over stuff.
Sal was going off on Robin too and saying that she should know her place. He said he would like to give her some constructive criticism. He said he looks up to her but he would like to say that she has to slow down on chiming in on stuff on the show. He told her to slow it down because he cringes when she says stuff during the interviews. He said some of the stuff she says makes his fist clench up and she's way too much of a pig on the microphone.
Sal said Robin has been stepping on him a lot lately and they can't have too much of everything. Sal said he means it from the bottom of his heart in a kind manner. He said she just has to take it easy. Gary asked if he was saying that she's been veering off from that direction she's been going for the past 25 years. Sal said she needs to know her place.
Jon asked Sal if Artie is interrupting too much too. Sal said with Artie he can't get enough of it. Artie said he knows that some people are saying that he's interrupting too much. He said he thinks he has fucked up some of the interviews lately after listening back to some of the interviews. He said he agrees with the people that he's shot out of a cannon. He tried laying back today with the Jesse Ventura thing.
Sal told Artie he should sit down with Robin and tell her how he did it. Artie told Sal that Howard would tell Robin if he felt she was going too far.
Artie said he thinks that Robin and Howard work together just fine. He doesn't think that she's interrupting too much or anything. Sal said he does think that she's been too jittery and jumpy and interrupting too much.
Sal said he thinks Howard just lets people flow and doesn't step in front of them when they're doing that. Jon said Artie can't win because he has people complaining if he doesn't talk enough and when he's talking too much.
Artie said the only thing that matters is what Howard thinks. He said if Howard gets annoyed with him then he'll make an adjustment. He doesn't care what Rick in Bumfuck Iowa has to say.
Gary said Howard will give you the hand once in a while and that's the worst. Artie said he's gotten that but that's his job. He said you do feel dismissed but the guy is trying to run a live radio show. He understands that.
Artie said he got the funniest hand from Howard ever. He said the last time Ol' Dirty Bastard was on they had Damon Dash in the studio. Howard let him come in and Ol' Dirty Bastard was talking like he always does and Damon would interrupt the flow by talking over him. He said Howard gave Damon Dash the hand and Damon shut the fuck up.
Gary said there's also the audible hand which is ''Alright Robin, anything else'' which is his way of moving things along. Artie said he's gotten that. He said that's what Greg Fitzsimmons had to put up with when he was on the show the other day. Artie said Greg had to sit and look at Howard while he was going through the news. Artie said he fake laughs sometimes when there are comedians in there. He said it can be brutal when a guy is trying to be funny and Howard just asks ''What else Robin?''
Gary said Howard will give him the hand sometimes and he gets why he does it. He said he'd rather get the hand and not slow the show down than slow the show down. Artie said Howard has to orchestrate shit on a 5 hour show.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he loves Sal and Artie and he hopes that he's going to stay on track with his sobriety. Artie thanked him for that and interrupted him. Artie said he's excited about doing this DVD comedy show he's shooting next week. He said he can't wait to bury those bits and move on to some new stuff.
Artie said that sometimes his jokes can get old and people recognize them and tell him that he did them differently on different nights.
A caller asked Gary what he did with the baseball he threw at the Mets game. Gary said he's got it at home and he may just auction it off for Lifebeat. Artie got a laugh out of that. Artie said that was the gayest pitch ever and he's auctioning off the ball at an AIDS charity. He found that amusing.
Jon asked Gary why he got so upset with that song this morning. Gary said it was just a lot of stuff that built up and it rubbed him the wrong way. Gary said the guy apologized to him and said he was hoping he wasn't too upset with it. Gary said he's not as upset as he was earlier. Artie understood why he got so upset. Artie said he hated that song and it made his skin crawl.
The guys also talked about Jesse Ventura a little bit. They were talking about some of the conspiracy theories that he was talking about. Gary said the guy is good on the show but he doesn't buy into those theories.
Artie said Nick DiPaolo used do to do a joke about Rosie O'Donnell wondering about the building 7 coming down and how that was possible. Artie said Nick said that the way a building could come down like that without having a plane crash into it is if she did a step class on the roof. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon said that they Governor Jesse Ventura in there today and he asked JD what he thinks of when he hears him. JD said he thinks of the WWF. He said he used to hear him as the announcer for Gorilla Monsoon. Jon asked JD if he thinks Jesse's wrestling past hurts his credibility. JD said it might hurt a little bit.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to talk about Jesse Ventura sounding a lot like Big Foot. Jon said he might be kind of similar but not exact.
Jon said Jesse told one story today about Hulk and Hulk told a different story about Jesse the last time he was on. Jon asked who you believe. JD didn't know. He said he's not sure how to tell who is being honest but he thinks they both sound honest.
Jon played a clip of Jesse Ventura talking about Hulk's tiny penis. After that clip JD said that Jesse was saying that some of Hogan's comments were true. Jon said there was a lot of stuff flying around there so you're not sure who to believe. Jon asked if there's a worse insult than to say you have tiny penis. JD said that is pretty bad.
A caller said that he wanted to talk to JD about his speech pattern. The guy said that JD seems to lose confidence in what he's saying and that makes him stop and stutter. He asked JD if he ever works on that and tries to make it better. Jon asked if that's his trademark. JD said he does think a lot before he tries to speak on air. He said he doesn't get to listen to the whole show all the time and he may have missed something so he can't go into a whole monologue about it.
Jon took another call from a guy who said Jesse Ventura is one of his most favorite guests on the show. He said he ends up being late for whatever it is he's going to when he's on. The guy said they may never know what happened on 9/11 but Jesse is right about needing to be able to ask questions about what happened. Jon said he agrees with that but not with the theories that Jesse has.
Jon said 9/11 is a very sensitive subject and you should be able to question it but the truth may be that the planes hit the buildings and the buildings came down. Jon said he's pretty sure the government wouldn't do something like that just to bring on two wars.
Another caller said that he wanted to ask Gary a question but he was on speaker phone so Jon had to let him go. Another caller said that Artie is so much better off of heroin and he's been on fire the past four weeks. The guy said that the haters are going to continue to hate and the lovers are going to continue to love. The guy said that Artie can fuck his wife if he wants to.
Jon said Artie can't win because he's going to get it either way if he talks too much or not enough. He said Howard will tell him when to stop talking if he's talking too much. Jon agreed with the guy that Artie is funnier off the drugs. JD agreed with him on that and said it's much nicer to see him not nodding off during interviews.
Jon asked JD if he wanted to say anything about Robin. JD said he had nothing to say about her. Then he said she's doing a fine job. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show after letting the opening song play for a couple of minutes. Howard said he was trying to eat his breakfast. He said he got his meal earlier but he found a big hair in it so he had to get something else to eat. Howard said he was trying to shove that down before he got on the air.
Artie said he can't eat anything if he finds a hair in it. He said he knows that Richard can eat anything even if it has a hair in it. He told a story about Richard finding one of Dan the Song Parody Man's hairs in some meat loaf he made one time and he finished it. Artie said he was going to throw up just thinking about it.
Howard said he ran into Dan the Song Parody Man the other day. He was at a movie screening and he was looking at the help wanted ads. Artie got a laugh out of that.
Richard came in wearing shorts showing off his white legs, white socks and black shoes. Richard said he lived with Dan for a few months and one night he came home and he was sleeping naked on his couch. He said his bathroom looked like it was growing fur because his long hair was all over the place.
Howard said Dan's look is really outdated now with the really long hair. Richard said he thinks Dan doesn't even like the hair. He keeps it braided in a ponytail. Richard said he used to have hair like that but it was making him go bald keeping it back in a ponytail.
Artie said he had a friend who had a long ponytail like that and he used it for ''fishing'' because they'd go out and a chick would eventually tug on his hair. Howard said that never happened to him with long hair. Artie said his friend was a good looking guy so that's why it worked for him.
Richard said he saw a principal lift a kid off the ground by his rat tail one time. Howard said that's when the principals had power. Richard said he was once spanked by his principal. He said he had to get on all fours and get spanked after he got into trouble. Richard said he wasn't naked but some other kids he knew did get spanked on their bare asses.
Artie said his father got kicked out of high school when he was in 10th grade for punching his principal in the face. Howard said Artie takes after his dad apparently. Artie said he has a lot of great role models.
He went on to tell Howard about how he came up with the name of the band and how it came from Tradio. He said they got scolded on the air one day when they finally got wise to their prank calls. Richard said he just got done editing the call so that's why it didn't come up sooner.
Howard played the call that Richard was talking about. In that the host of the show was talking about the email they had been getting and why they were going to have to call and verify the items. The host said she'd pray for the people that thought it was funny. The other host said they were going to pray for those people and that he'll save their soul.
Howard said that's cool and that's one way to get someone to pray for you. Howard said they're a bunch of robots.
Howard played more of the clip and the hosts talk about how those people can join them up in heaven some day. That's when the host mentioned the ''charred walls of the damned'' thing. Howard said he sees why that's so funny now. He said those people are such robots and it's funny how they talk to people.
Howard said he'd find it pretty funny if they actually did have Richard down in hell and someone asked him why he was there and the reason was for making prank calls to a Tradio show. He said their logic on that show is really out there.
Howard played the audio from the Tradio show that the hosts were complaining about. It was them reading the stuff that Richard and Sal had sent into them to read. From my write up the other day...
Howard had some more Tradio stuff that Sal and Richard did. They got the hosts to say some more phony names and products. They obviously don't pay attention to what they're reading on that show. Howard played the clip and they said phony products like an ''exotic jungle bunny.'' They also mentioned ''Bukkake Sauce,'' ''Blumpkin pie,'' ''a golden shower bathroom faucet,'' ''a rim job 18 inch rim set'' and more.
The guys talked about how dopey those people sound reading that stuff and making a big deal out of things like an exotic ''jungle bunny'' that isn't even a real thing. Artie was laughing his ass off at that stuff for the third day in a row. He said he'd laugh at that one every time.
Richard said he loves the internet because he can email in all of this stuff instead of mailing stuff to them. Richard said they used to sneak in and drop off that kind of stuff when they used to do it when he was a kid.
Howard replayed the audio of the hosts going off on the guys who were sending in the phony items. Howard said they must be kind of yelling at him too since he's playing that stuff on his show.
Howard did impressions of the goofy hosts and asked if the chick could possibly be hot. Richard said he and Sal were wondering about that too. Howard said he guarantees she weighs 250 pounds minimally. Richard said the women on the station went off on how much they love strawberry pie for like 15 minutes. Howard said the woman probably looks like Newt Gingrich in a dress.
Howard let the clip play some more and said that chick can't be any fun at all. Gary came in and said that the guy was saying something about the lord rupturing them out. He explained to Howard what that ''rapture'' thing was. Artie asked Gary if he had never heard of that before. Gary said he didn't hear of it the way they were explaining it to him.
Howard said he's going to be pissed if the lord doesn't rapture him out. That led to Richard saying that there's going to be a huge party for 7 years during that rapture thing. Howard and Artie told him that he's not understanding everything. Howard explained to him that he has 7 years to prove himself to God and he won't be able to party during those 7 years.
Howard said they took the dog to the vet and the dog had no teeth. Howard said he figured it was from the poor care but it turns out they were using the dog to bait pit bulls. That's how the folds got ripped off. The teeth were knocked out with a hammer. Howard said they did that with no anesthesia of course.
Howard said this woman takes the dog in and the dog is the nicest, sweetest dog she's ever met. The dog just loves people in spite of everything its been through. Howard said the human beings are more animal than the dogs.
Howard said he thinks that they got the animal out of there and make a deal with them to find out where more are. Howard said Beth was thinking about taking the dog in. He said the dog is 7 and it may not live that much longer. Howard said his heart was broken and he was thinking about doing it.
Howard said the dog is going to be recovering for a few months and then they'll be giving it up for adoption. Howard said he found out the bulldog in the movie ''You Don't Mess With The Zohan'' is up for adoption. He said he was asked if he was in touch with Adam Sandler so they could let him know the dog is up for adoption. Howard said he doesn't know the guy and Adam may hate him.
Howard said he was going to ask Jimmy or someone like that so he could write to him about the dog. Artie said maybe he can call Spade and tell him. Artie said he thinks Spade would do the job better than Norm would.
Howard said he hears one story after another with these dogs. He said he can't imagine the pain the dog must be going through.
Artie said he can imagine Norm telling Adam about that dog and it just wouldn't be good. Artie said Norm is a caring guy but the way he might tell him about it wouldn't be very good. Howard said it seems that Norm doesn't care about a lot of stuff. Artie said he actually is a very caring guy. He said he's one of the best friends he's ever had.
Howard said he's not sure about Spade either. Artie said they both have hearts and Norm may have an even bigger heart than Spade. He said on this assignment though, it's Dave.
Richard said he records stuff at home and he's going to take the demos down to Florida to a real studio to record the album. Richard said he sent some of the stuff to Fred. Fred said it sounds pretty good to him. Fred said he's happy for Richard and he thinks he's a really talented guy.
Howard figured that Fred would be upset that he doesn't have a record deal like Richard does. Fred said he's happy for Richard because he is so talented. Artie told Richard that was really awesome that he got that deal.
Howard asked Fred if he would want to be involved in the album. Fred said he's not looking for that. Richard said he'd love to have Fred work on it but they have to cut this thing really fast. He said he would love to have Fred play on something some day though.
Artie said that's not Fred's type of music though. Fred said that kind of music just escapes him. Richard said they're going to be recording the album in July. He said if anyone wants to change something they're welcome to comment on it.
Howard asked if he's going to take all of the publishing on the songs. Richard wrote all of the songs but he's open to giving the other guys the publishing if they want to change something. Howard said that's not right. He told Richard if he came up with the music and lyrics then he should take it all. Richard said he wants to show his appreciation for the guys being in the band.
Richard said the guys in Van Halen split the money. Artie told him not to do it if he's doing all of the work. Howard said he may have gotten the deal because the record company knows they're going to play it on the air. Howard said he'd hate to see him give away his profits when he's doing the work. Howard said the guys deserve to get paid but they shouldn't be getting the publishing.
Artie said that if they write a song and it hits big then they should get more. Howard asked Richard what he would do if a guy wrote a song and wanted full publishing rights. Richard said he'd be fine with that. Richard said he wants to leave the songs open for change so he's going to tell the guys that if they have anything to add then they can have part of that.
Artie said he's going to end up thinking about the nights he spent writing when he's not getting the money from the songs.
Howard said the album isn't going to make any money. He said he's pretty sure of that. Richard said the songs could have some commercial value but it's still metal music.
Richard said the songs aren't that heavy where he'll be barking out lyrics or anything. That led to them playing some really heavy stuff from a band where they use a dog for the lead vocals. That band is Caninus. Richard said he's actually playing on their album too.
Howard had Fred play some more of the Caninus stuff. They were laughing at that. Howard said Richard could create a hit album if he does it right. Richard said he'd been spending time writing and he thinks that it could be good stuff that people will like.
Howard said he thinks that giving away all of the publishing is wrong. Richard said they'll have to see how much it changes in the studio when they do that. Howard told Richard he should have been using their sponsor Legal Zoom instead of a lawyer on this. Richard said he has a good friend who is helping him out with that. Howard told Richard to get out of there after that.
Robin wondered what kind of mood you have to be in to listen to a Caninus album. Howard said it's probably the kind of mood where you beat out your dog's teeth with a hammer.
Howard asked if those guys make money with that Caninus band. Richard said that's a side project and those guys have another band that they make money with. Howard played some more clips of the Caninus stuff and then thanked Richard for coming in.
Howard said the guys at TMZ videotaped Eric the Actor in his stupid little car that Johnny got for him out there. Howard said they did a report on it on the TMZ TV show and now Eric is livid that they called him ''Eric the Midget.''
Howard played the clip from TMZ where they were all talking about catching Eric out in the car and making fun of him. Howard said he was a little pissed about them making fun of Eric because it's one thing when he does it and another when they do it.
Howard said Eric must have been thrilled he was on TV. He said it turns out Eric was livid. Howard said Johnny had a friend with TMZ and they called TMZ and told them to come out and catch him in the car. Howard said Eric freaked out when he saw the report and he called Johnny telling him that he fucked up with the whole TMZ thing.
Eric said he didn't say that Johnny fucked up. Eric said he said that it was his friend that fucked up. Howard said Eric asked Johnny to straighten the whole thing out.
In the voice mail Eric told Johnny that his friend had fucked up with the TMZ thing. He asked why he was referring to him as Eric the Midget because he doesn't like being called that. Eric said Johnny was there and he should have corrected them. Eric told Johnny that he wasn't called Eric the Midget when he met with Robert Mills. He said he doesn't know why this turd did it. Eric wanted an apology from the guy.
Howard said Eric is like the Godfather. Howard said TMZ is yet to apologize to him. Howard said Eric is like the Godfather asking Johnny to take care of things for him. Howard did his impression of Eric talking to Johnny while Fred played the Godfather music in the background.
Howard asked Eric what's going to happen if there is no apology. Eric said he's just going to wait until there is one. Howard and Robin asked how long he has to apologize. Eric said he's not sure.
Howard said Eric is mad at Johnny. Eric said he's not completely mad at him. Howard said he would have told those people to call him Eric the Actor. Artie said he would have made sure they called him ''Eric the MIDGET... Eric the little fucking midget.''
Eric said the name is disrespectful. Howard said it's funny though. Eric didn't care, he found it offensive and he doesn't like it.
Robin told Eric he should go out and drive that car again until they see him and then tell them what his name was. Howard told Eric that he's a character actor, kind of like Fatty Arbuckle. Howard said it's just a name.
Howard asked Eric if he thinks Fatty wanted to be called Fatty or if he did it to have a career. Eric said he's pretty sure that he wanted to have a career. Artie said he knew a guy by the name of Loony Skip Rooney. He said that's the best name ever. Howard said he knows that guy, they used to have him on the show.
Howard told a story about Skip Rooney and how he met him back at NBC. He said he had a friend come up to hang out on the show one time. He said the guy, Brian Battles, came down from Hartford to just sit there and laugh in the background. Howard said it wasn't even a job, it was just a way for him to get through his first days. Howard said Pig Virus wrote to him and told him he didn't know who this guy Brian was but if he was in again he was going to have him thrown out. He didn't want anyone laughing on the show. Howard said that's how awful his career was. He had to listen to guys like that telling him what to do.
Howard said he couldn't go through all of that stuff again. He said it's a young man's game and he just wouldn't be able to do it.
Howard said it was always like one step forward and two steps back in those days. Howard said poor Brian wasn't even able to be a part of the show. He said he had to tell Brian that he couldn't come back. He said he really missed that element of his show so Howard remembered that the Uncle Floyd Show was on and they had a guy on that show who laughed in the background. Howard said Pig Virus wouldn't challenge Rooney if he had him on the show because he's kind of famous. Howard said the show was on a UHF channel or something but he did have a local following.
Howard said he asked Loony Skip Rooney to come in and hang out. Howard said Loony came in a couple of times and he was a lot of fun and a good guy. Howard said he would chime in once in a while. Pig Virus was steaming and hated the guy. Howard said he got a memo about him eventually and he told him to get rid of Loony. Fred said that anything close to fun wasn't allowed there.
Howard said he had to go to Loony and tell him he got a memo and had to let him go. He wasn't allowed in the building anymore. Howard said Loony wondered what he did that got him kicked out. All he was doing was laughing. Howard said Loony was banned from the building and couldn't even come in with Uncle Floyd.
Howard said Pig Virus never knew what the right thing to do was. He said he was just horrible. He was against everyone on the show.
Howard said they used to have a guy on his show that laughed. His name was Steve Chiccones. He said Steve was in another business, selling medical supplies, and he ended up becoming a news guy down in Washington DC when they left.
Howard said he and Fred lived with Steve for like a month. Fred said he was just reading about Steve and how he's a fisherman and he's doing what he loves now. He's like a professional fisherman and writes for publications about fishing. Howard said it sounds like he's happy. Howard wondered if he misses laughing.
Gary handed Howard a note about Loony Skip Rooney and he's now Art Rooney. Howard read that article about him. He's doing his own radio show now.
Artie said there's a comedian out there who calls himself ''Go Crazy Lenny'' and he does go crazy at the end of his act. He stirps down to his green speedos at the end of the act. Then he sprays whipped cream all over the stage and there's no way to follow the act.
Howard got back to Eric and said Eric has to stick with his name. Howard said the name has become him. Eric said that no little person out there likes that name. He told Howard about the show ''Little People Big World'' and how they hate that word. He said the word Midget is a very disrespectful word to use toward little people.
Howard said he agrees. He said he heard that the word Midget is like the N-word to little people. He said that when Eric got that name, no one knew it was the same as the N-word.
Robin asked what little people were doing when they got that ''midget'' word. Robin said she knows what black people were doing when they got the N-word name. They were slaves.
Howard asked what it is about the word that's so bad. The guys said that they thought that the other names were even worse.
Eric said the guy on the show on TLC was saying that the word Midget means ''half size'' and it's derogatory. Howard said that dwarf is the same though. Eric said the word is bad and the guy on this show said that the majority of the little people out there don't like the word. Eric said he doesn't like it for the same reason.
Howard and Robin asked Eric what horrible thing it is that they were doing that got them that nickname that makes it like the N-word. Howard said there's nothing comparable to that. Robin said they didn't lynch people for being a midget.
Howard said he doesn't understand why the word became so bad. Eric said he knew the word was bad as he was growing up. Robin said she wants to know why it's bad though. She said they know why the N-word is bad and all of that. Eric said he heard the explanation for why it was bad but he wasn't able to remember the explanation word for word.
Howard said Eric is just reacting but he's not backing it up with anything. Fred read the definition for ''dwarf'' and it was saying that it was ''a creature resembling a human'' so that was even worse. Howard told Eric he may have the wrong word. He said he might have to change his cause and go after that ''dwarf'' name. Howard told him to embrace that name.
Eric said he's not embracing that name ever. Howard said he knows many people who are actors and they don't call themselves ''the actor.'' Fred said that the only Eric the Actor is Eric Roberts.
Howard asked Eric to just think about what he's saying. Eric said no. Howard said at this point they all know him as ETM. Eric said he doesn't give a shit and he's not going to embrace that name no matter what. Robin said there is no changing his mind.
Fred said this would be like Curly from the Three Stooges growing out his hair and demanding that people call him Jerome.
Howard said Curly hated shaving his head for that part. He was a ladies man before he became Curly. Howard said the guy was a ladies man and he hated keeping his weight up and shaving his head. Howard told Eric that's what he has to think about when he's demanding people change his name. Howard said Eric is fighting this name like Curly fought his character.
Howard told Eric to let them know what happens with the TMZ thing. He said he'd like to hear if he gets an apology. Robin asked if Eric if he hates Midget race cars. Eric said he doesn't like them. Howard told Eric that he had to get going. Eric told the guys to check out the last Idol show on JFSC.tv tonight.
Howard said he actually voted on American Idol last night. He said that if you watch you have to vote. Howard said Beth left when he was voting last night.
Artie said the guy that he was backing in Hoboken ended up having a runoff with the guy he was up against. Artie said the guy asked him to come to a fund raiser but he had to turn that down.
Howard said he had to go to break because he had a Miss Howard TV coming in. Howard said she's Haitian and he was checking her out on her web site last night. Artie told Eric to go fuck himself. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and asked about some of the lyrics in the song and said he never understands any song. Howard had Lisa G come in after that. Howard said they never did find out how her date went. Artie figured she didn't even go on the date.
Howard asked Lisa how the date went. She said it was nice. She said she went out on Saturday afternoon since he had to work that night. Howard asked if she wore heels. She said she wore jeans, a top and heels for her. She said that her heels aren't the heels they want her to wear. Howard said they're like half an inch high. Howard said those aren't the heels he was thinking she'd wear.
Lisa said she and the guy went out together without anyone else. She didn't bring any recorder or anything either. She said she's actually much better with a microphone though.
Howard asked Lisa if the guy dressed well. She said he did look nice. Howard asked if the date went well and asked how long it went. She said it was 2 and a half hours. She said they're in the same business so they talked a lot about business. She said Lisa Lampanelli had a 3 hour first date so this might not be as good as that date.
Lisa said she thinks the guy is a nice, decent person and that's attractive to her. She said they've been emailing back and forth and not calling much.
Howard asked Lisa if she kissed goodbye. She said it was just on the cheek. Artie said she's been as intimate with him as he's been with his uncle Tony.
Lisa said she had some soup and water and that was about it. She said she didn't have to get up and go pee or anything. He had to get up at the end of the date to pee. Howard asked if she had to shit during lunch. She said she didn't have to do that. Artie said that's the worst when a chick has to drop a deuce.
Howard asked Lisa if she wanted to be with the guy again or if she just played it cool. Lisa said she played it cool but they are getting together again on Friday. She said she doesn't have a time yet. Lisa said she thinks he's planning the date but she has no idea what they're going to be doing.
Howard told Lisa that she has to show off her legs. He said he heard she has nice ones. Lisa said Artie's sister Stacy is taking her out shopping.
Howard said Beth is doing a makeover on a chick on the Mike and Juliet show this morning and she said it was a really good one. He told the fans to tune in for that.
Howard said Stacy is good with the clothes so Lisa should be good with that. Lisa said that Stacy won't be helping her until next week though. Artie told Lisa to go out with Miss Howard TV today and shop with her instead.
Lisa got to her news preview and said Artie has settled on the title of his next book. It'll be ''Scooch.'' Howard asked if he's set on that name. Artie said it's a working title. Howard said he loved ''Too Fat to Fish'' and he needs something like that. Howard said he's not liking ''Scooch.'' Artie said he thought it was funny but Howard didn't think it was.
Howard said he needs a broader appeal than that. He said that's not that great. Artie asked how ''Private Parts 2'' was. Howard didn't like that either. Howard said he named his second book ''Miss America'' and he was never happy with that.
Howard said maybe Artie should call his book ''My Mom Has My Blackberry.'' Artie said she doesn't have it anymore. He got it back.
Howard said he's been having problems with his phone lately and it doesn't work in the old places his old phone did. Howard said the Blackberry is great for everything but the phone part. He said it's the shittiest phone on the planet. He said that it's not AT&T service. Howard said he borrowed Ronnie's phone when he wasn't able to call on his own phone and Ronnie's cheap phone was fine.
Artie said he never has a problem with his phone and it's a Blackberry. Howard said it has to be the Bold because it's just that phone that has the problem.
Artie showed Howard his phone which is a Blackberry Curve. Howard said he didn't like the keyboard on that one.
Lisa got in a mention for the XM radio thing they're doing this week with free Howard 100 and 101. Howard asked Lisa if she thinks that this guy is going to get anything off of her on the second date. She said no way. She's not giving it up that quick. She said she won't even be making out with him on the second date. Howard asked if she's going to groom at all. Lisa said she will shave her legs and armpits but not anything else.
Artie said Lisa probably looks like she's got Mason Reese in a headlock down there. Howard asked if she has to shave her thighs.
Robin said she doesn't have to shave her legs at all. Artie was laughing his ass off for some reason. Howard told him to calm down.
Howard asked Lisa why she doesn't shave down just in case something happens. She knows that nothing is going to happen. Robin said she will actually not shave to keep herself from doing something. Howard told Artie he could laugh again now. Artie said he didn't know what to do anymore.
Marie said she didn't used to watch the show until she was told about it and then she watched a whole marathon of it and loved it. Howard said he saw her pictures and went on her web site to see what she had going on there. She calls herself the Haitian Beauty on the site. Artie said that's what he should name his book.
Howard read some of Marie's stats and found out she got implants. Howard asked what kind of stuff her construction company builds. She said she doesn't build anything herself. She said her boyfriend is the co-owner of the company.
Howard read that she's 23 and when she was younger she dated a 59 year old guy. Howard asked her about why she split up with him. She said that he went to bed too early for her. Howard read that she didn't have an orgasm for the first time until she was 21. She also messes around with girls.
Howard asked who gave her the first orgasm. She said it was her ex. She said the guy was 25 years old. Howard asked her what drove her to women. She said she did that after drinking.
Marie said she liked dancing with girls at clubs and stuff. She said that she had a friend who she used to drink with and that led to them going home one night and doing stuff together.
Howard asked Marie what she wears at the clubs. She said she wears mini-skirts and cute bras and stuff like that. She said they used to do stuff at the clubs too and the guys would love seeing it. She wasn't doing it for that attention though.
Howard asked what she did when they went home. Marie said they made out and the girl pushed her down on the bed and went down on her. Howard asked if she just pushed her dress up. She said she took her g-string off and just went nuts.
Howard asked about the other woman going down on her and kissing her down there. Marie said she was nervous at first but it felt so good that she just went with it.
Howard asked if the girl put her finger by her butt hole and stuff. She said that she was licking her all over down there, including her behind. Howard asked if she liked that. Marie said she did. She said she had an orgasm with her fingering her and all. Howard asked if she returned the favor. She said she did and she enjoyed doing it.
Howard asked how long she went down there. She said she didn't remember how long it was because she was so trashed. Howard asked her if she was afraid she had doody down there when the other chick was licking her. She said she was nervous but she was also drunk.
Howard asked if Marie put her tongue in the other girl's ass. She said it was good and she didn't taste any doody. Artie said chicks are so nice because he'd never give a fuck caring about giving the other person an orgasm.
Howard wondered why they only did it once. He said he'd think that they'd want to keep doing it. Marie said they sobered up and laughed when they thought about what they did the next morning.
Howard asked who the girl was out in the green room with her. Marie said she's another girl she's with. She said she's also in a serious relationship with a guy. Howard asked if they get it on with the guy. She said she can't say anything.
The other girl came into the studio so Howard asked her about what they do together. The other girl said that Marie is fuckin' amazing and they have a great time together. They shop, work out and laugh together. She said they're best friends. She said Marie is great at what she does.
The girls met at a club. The other woman said she designs shirts and brought some in for the guys in the studio. Howard asked if they started making out on the dance floor. They said they did. Howard asked if the other girl is a stripper or anything. She said she does some modeling but doesn't strip.
Howard asked the girls what they did when they first hooked up. They actually moved in together. Howard asked about what they were wearing and stuff like that. Marie wasn't wearing any panties to the club. Howard said she must not care if guys see her chooch down there then. That led to Howard finding out Marie is shaved completely down there.
The girls talked about how they spend a lot of time on the breasts and stuff like that. The other woman was saying that she put her tongue in Marie's ass and it tasted like candy. She laughed at her own comments so Artie goofed on them laughing and saying that they were really funny.
The girls said they don't share their men. Howard asked if the other guy gets to watch while they get it on. They said that he may but ''a lady never tells.. ha ha ha.'' Artie mocked their laughing since they weren't really being funny.
Howard asked the girls to kiss for him. They went right to it. Howard said it looked like they were very into it.
Howard said the girls looked lovely together. He gave Marie some plugs for the Miss Howard TV thing and said you can check her out on HowardTV.com.
Howard said you can see more of Marie at Myspace.com/EscenceBeauty. He told her she spelled it wrong but she said she did that on purpose and had an explanation for that.
Howard said he forgot to ask the girls to get topless. Mike Gange said they were getting nervous and didn't want to do that.
Howard asked Artie and Mike about playing softball the other day. Artie said they lost and he just doesn't get why they have to have people who can't play the game, playing the game. Howard said he would have played if he knew they were playing. Howard said he would have come out to play because he was free.
Artie told Howard that he can't play ball like he used to. He's unable to bend over like he used to. Howard said it sounds like the whole team is overweight. He heard that Jason gained 11 pounds in a weekend.
Artie and Gange said that they're scared for Jason. He's now wearing a muumuu to work. Jason came in and said he weighed himself on Friday morning and weighed 289 and then on Monday he weighed 299. Then today he was 293.
Jason said he doesn't gorge himself and he's not eating all that much. Howard said he must be shoveling it in at night or something. Jason said he used to not care but now it's not fun anymore.
Howard said he had some noodles and pasta with some creamy stuff on it but he goes out and runs for four and a half miles. Jason said he takes the dog out for a walk but that's about all the exercise he gets.
Artie said he's been able to play basketball and stuff at his gym so he has fun. Gange said that Jason's head is really small and his body looks even bigger than it is. He said it looks 100 times bigger. Artie said that's because it is 100 times bigger.
Jason had a gym membership for a year and he never went. Jason said he ended up dropping like 3 grand there and didn't go for a year.
Howard came back and said he was getting reports that Robin was showing major cleavage. Howard said he heard she almost showed nip today. Robin pulled her top up and said that it would probably fall again. Howard said she looks like Pebbles from the Flintstones this morning.
Howard said Robin seems to be out on the prowl. Robin said she's on the prowl there, there's no one there. Howard said Jesse James is coming in and she could steal him away.
Howard said Jesse James became famous when he started building motorcycles. Howard said he was on Celebrity Apprentice too. Howard said he's apparently a real bad ass too.
Jesse came in so Howard told him that Robin had her cleavage out for him. Gary told Howard that Tim Sabean was telling Jesse that he's his idol. He never does stuff like that. Tim said he's had bikes all his life and Jesse builds some really nice stuff. Jesse said that Tim looks like a biker. Tim said Jesse builds some really amazing things and it's an art. He said he's a great car builder as well.
Howard asked Jesse where he grew up. Jesse said he was in Long Beach, California. He said his father was an antique dealer and he never had any money so he wanted to make cool stuff and that's how he got into the whole thing.
Jesse said he went to college for 2 years and played football. Jesse told Howard he feels like he's finally made it today now that he's on the Howard Stern Show. Howard said he met his wife on the set of a movie and she's an attractive woman.
Jesse said Sandra called in and gave Howard some shit from the set of her movie one time too. Howard didn't remember that but Gary did.
Jesse told Howard the first time he heard Howard was when he was hanging out with Rick Rubin. He said he had tapes of Howard's show from the 80s that they used to listen to.
Jesse told Howard he used to work as security when he was a teen. He said he got a job with Rick Rubin doing some special projects for him. He was collecting money for him. Jesse said they asked him to go on tour to help get money out of the promoters. that's how he was making his living for a while. He went around the world about 10 times in 5 years around that time. Then he was working on his bike in his mom's garage and eventually got tired of that.
Howard asked Jesse if he ever had to beat anyone up doing the bodyguard stuff. Jesse said he's a non-violent man. Howard asked Jesse if he ever had to go to jail. Jesse said he didn't but he had to think about it for a short time.
Howard said Jesse had to apologize to Scott Hamilton because he had once stolen his car. Jesse did Celebrity Apprentice just to apologize to the guy. Jesse said that he was kind of like a crab trying to get out of a barrel because he had to fight for everything when he was a kid. He said he left the house at 15.
Jesse said he had a woman take him into her house and he ended up sleeping in their guest house. Jesse said it was his girlfriend's mom and she was a no-B.S. kind of woman so it wasn't like he was able to sleep with his girlfriend in the house or anything.
Howard asked Jesse if he has always had luck with women. He read that he was with Janine Lindenmulder. He asked if he was a fan of her's through their show. Jesse said he never saw her on the show, he met her through a friend. Howard said she must have been a monster in bed and she must have been bringing chicks. Jesse said that sometimes things aren't as they seem.
Howard said he always had a fantasy that he'd be having the time of his life to be married to Janine. Jesse said real life and reality kicks in and it's not the same. Howard asked if it's as sexual as he thinks it would be. Jesse said he had been married for 10 years before that and that was his first relationship after that. He said he thinks he got into it for everyone else so everyone would think he was cool. He said that they did end up with a great daughter though.
Jesse said that Janine is in jail right now so he doesn't want to talk to her. Howard said Janine called the show and told them about how Jesse and Sandra were going to take care of their daughter. Jesse said he knows that there's a great mom and person in there and he hopes that comes out.
Howard asked Jesse about meeting Sandra Bullock and how that happened around the time their daughter was being born. Jesse said that could destroy a relationship but it shows what an amazing woman Sandra is.
Howard said he met Sandra and thought that it would be a pretty good hook up. Jesse said that he's just as much a knucklehead as Howard is. He said Howard probably could have gotten her too.
Howard asked Jesse how he met Sandra. Jesse said he figured he was going to be a 50 year old single guy and he would never marry again after his two failed marriages. Jesse said Sandra wanted to bring her godson to visit his shop. He said that was cool and let her come down and assumed that she was going to be the typical Hollywood bitch. He said he talked other for 5 minutes and he figured out how amazing she was. He said he would never go for that type of girl in the past because he was going for the blondes with big boobs type.
Jesse said something triggered in his head and he just fell for Sandra. He said he contacted her assistant and said he wanted to ask her out. He said she said no at first. Jesse said he's pretty sure she didn't even know that much about him and she still said no to him.
Jesse said he and Sandra emailed back and forth for a couple of months. They did that for a while and that was the first time that he did the courtship kind of thing. Jesse said she assumed that he was a bigot and racist based on his looks. He said he's not though. He grew up in a black neighborhood and he's not racist at all.
Howard asked how she finally caved in. Jesse said they went out to dinner one night and she asked him out again so he said he wanted to go out the next day.
Jesse said he had kind of sworn off women around that time so he wasn't with any other women. He said he hadn't been with anyone for a couple of months around that time. Jesse said things were just awesome with Sandra though. He said he had never put hard work into a relationship and that's what you have to do. He said you have to listen to chicks and it's weird to do that. Howard said they don't teach you that stuff.
Jesse said that when a chick asks you to go shopping you just have to say yes. He said you also have to talk to them. Howard said ''Yeah, that's a drag.''
Howard asked Jesse when he got to kiss Sandra. He said it was on the second date and Sandra was the one who went in for the kiss. He said it caught him off guard.
Howard said he'd be afraid of Sandra being around all of the good looking dudes in the movies she's been in. Howard asked if she laid down any rules for him when they started dating. Howard said Jesse must have rules read to him. Jesse said there is a level of respect there and they don't have to lay down the rules like that.
Howard said he'd freak out if he was with Sandra. He asked Jesse if he was freaked out. Jesse said he couldn't talk about that. He said that she is the best lover of his life though. Howard asked if people tried to break them up at first. Jesse said all of her friends did. He said they told her it was just no good.
Howard asked Jesse how he and Sandra work the money thing. Jesse said they keep it separate. Howard said that must be kind of tough to keep track of. He asked what they do when the bills come in. Jesse said they pay their own bills. Howard said they must share some stuff. Jesse said nothing is an issue in that respect. They just handle their own stuff and some stuff she pays for and some he pays for.
Howard asked Jesse if that's his real name. Jesse said he really was born Jesse James. He said his middle name is Greg though. He said most of the family goes by their middle name because there are so many Jesse's in the family.
Howard asked about his parents and if he still talks to them. Jesse said that he and his father don't have any relationship now but he and his mom do. He said his mother is great now. He said they've been through a lot of stuff and his mom has been great through it. Howard asked why his family abandoned him during the stuff with Janine. Jesse said that stuff started when he was 5 and he was done at 15 when he bolted from them.
Howard asked Jesse about maybe getting some therapy. Jesse said he went to therapy at 14 and threw a chair through the window. That was the last time he went to therapy.
Jesse said he lashed out as a kid but he has an understanding for people now. Howard asked if his father has tried to contact him at all. He said he hasn't heard from him lately at all but he figures the guy is still alive because he hasn't been sent a funeral bill yet.
Howard said Jesse is doing a show called ''Jesse James Is a Dead Man'' that starts on May 31st on Spike TV. Howard said Fred must be a fan of Jesse's. Fred said that he is a fan and he thought that he should have punched Piers Morgan on Celebrity Apprentice when he didn't bring Sandra on the show with him. Jesse said they kind of made themselves look like assholes on that show.
Fred said he's a fan of chopper building but he doesn't ride one. Fred rides a Triumph. Jesse said he's too big for them. Howard said he's afraid of riding a motorcycle because he's afraid of falling off. Jesse said he's built bikes for guys like Howard and it makes their personality come out. Jesse said he can see Howard riding a bike.
Howard said he always hears the stories about bikes being crashed and injuries and stuff. He couldn't handle that. Howard said he heard that Jesse does some stunts on his new show and does some crazy stuff. He asked if he has a death wish. Jesse said he really doesn't. He said he's not doing stuff that's over in a second, he wants to train for months for the stuff he does.
Howard said Jesse does some really wild stuff on this new show. He read about some of the things they have him doing and he's riding motorcycles in -60 degree weather and things like that. Jesse said life is a one way track and he's going out and doing this stuff because he's enjoying it.
Jesse said he can imagine Howard riding and he can picture him coming back after the first ride and kicking trash cans over and stuff. Robin told Jesse Howard watches American Idol and that might not fit. Jesse said he watches it too. He said he even voted last night. Howard said he voted too. Jesse only voted once but Howard voted 3 times.
Howard said he can picture himself riding with Jesse. He could curl up with him on the back of the bike. Jesse said he can picture that too.
Howard said he would never get on a motorcycle. Howard said he might do that if Sandra was on the bike with him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was a big fan of Jesse's. He said he has to agree with Jesse that Howard would like the ride. Howard said even Fred is out there enjoying that. Howard said he's too much of a mama's boy to do that. Jesse said he got a bike even though he was told he'd get kicked out of the house.
Howard said while Jesse was riding at 200 miles per hour, he was running in the rain. He said he was a rebel for doing that. Jesse asked Howard if he keeps running in place when he comes to a stop light. Howard said he does.
Howard said his radio show is his big ''fuck you'' to his parents. Some people ride motorcycles, he went on the radio and became this insane person. He said maybe Jesse doing the motorcycle thing is the same thing as him doing the radio show.
Jesse told Howard that once you push yourself to do something and get past that fear it's the raddest feeling you can have. Howard said he got the same kind of rush doing the radio show. Jesse told Howard he will build him a bike for free if he will ride it. Howard paused and said ''What?'' He said he doesn't think that he could do it. Jesse said he would build him one of his $100,000 specials if he would ride it. Howard had to pass. Jesse told him to think about it. Howard said he would. Jesse told Howard he's 100 percent right about this and he knows Howard would love it. Howard said he doesn't have the desire or the need for it. Jesse said he's pretty sure he does.
Howard asked Jesse what he fears. Jesse said his biggest fear is making sure his three kids grow up strong and healthy. Howard said that's not the same thing. Howard said his biggest fear is walking outside naked and showing his penis. Howard asked Jesse if he's well hung. Jesse said he's not. Howard asked if he could ride in a side car. Jesse said he has one.
A caller brought up a car show that Jesse was at one time out in California and said that there was a swarm of cops that showed up because Jesse decked some guy. Jesse said he didn't deck the guy but someone did give him some shit when he showed up. He said the guy got in his face and he had his son with him.
Howard asked Jesse if he can hold his own in a fight. Jesse said he's never lost a fight. He said he's had plenty of fights and he's never lost. He's taken his licks but never lost. Howard asked if he could do ultimate fighting. Jesse said he's not much of a grappler. He said he could probably hold his own. He said the best thing to do is break a guy's collar bone. He said if you do that the guy can't raise his hands. Howard wanted to demonstrate on Benjy. Howard said he didn't know that he could do that. He said he'll have to remember that.
Howard asked Jesse if he's afraid that people are going to challenge him to fights if he reveals where he learned. Jesse said that he's already a target so that wouldn't help. He said he hasn't been in a real fight in a long time actually.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he's a huge fan of Jesse's. He said if Howard is going to turn down the bike he's going to slap him. He said Jesse is like Elvis. Howard said he would never take a free bike from Jesse even if he was the biggest bike enthusiast in the world. Howard said he would pay the guy if he wanted the bike. Jesse figured he was just trying to get out of accepting the gift.
Jesse said that he will build him a bike and make him like it just to prove a point. Howard said he's not looking for that. Howard said if NASA called and said they were going to send him to the moon he wouldn't take it.
Howard asked what the most expensive bike he ever built was. Jesse said he built one that was all polished aluminum and that was about $300,000. Jesse said guys like Jay Leno don't like his kind of stuff. He said Leno likes that Chitty Chitty Bang Bang kind of stuff.
Jesse said he built a bike for Shaq and only charged him 50 grand for it and he went around telling people he paid $150,000. Jesse said Shaq can't even ride his bike now because of what happened to Ben Rothlesberger.
Howard gave Jesse some more plugs for his show and said that there's not even a good way to describe it. Jesse said that's what tells him the show is going to be good because they have no description for it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Jesse if he knew Indian Larry. Jesse said Larry was one of his best friends. He said he put Larry on TV first. Larry lost his life when he fell off his bike and hit his head without a helmet on when he was doing stunts. Jesse said he's very careful when he's doing the stunts for his show.
Ralph called in and said he was a huge fan of the Apprentice. He said that Jesse didn't come off that well on the show. He said Jesse was kind of mumbling and didn't talk on the Apprentice. Jesse said he kind of invented that kind of TV with the team of people doing that kind of stuff. Jesse said that he wasn't going to do stuff just for the sake of the cameras. He was just there to work hard and not look like an asshole.
Another caller asked if Sandra likes to be spanked during sex. Howard asked Jesse if he likes to spank. Jesse didn't say.
Jesse showed Howard the tattoo he had on his hand that said ''Pay up sucker.'' Howard took another call from a woman who said that she thinks that Jesse showed a lot of character by not asking his wife for money on Celebrity Apprentice. She thinks that Trump was full of shit saying it wasn't about the money and then fired him for not having his wife on the show. Jesse said that show isn't real life and it's just TV.
Another caller said Jesse was in the room alone with Brande Roderick and Joan Rivers and he said ''I guess it's me and you bitches...'' He thought that was funny.
The caller asked if he's upset with the whole industry doing the TV thing. Jesse said that he was offered that Orange County Choppers show first and turned it down. He said he takes the business seriously and he's planning on being around in 20 years. Jesse said that they build their bikes from the ground up and don't buy anything but the motor, wheels and tires.
Howard gave Jesse some more plugs for his show and then took a call from Dominic Barbara who said the death rate for a motorcycle rider is frightening. He said that it's not the motorcyclist's fault usually either. He said that most of the accidents are caused by other drivers.
Howard asked why there are so many people who do that kind of thing. Jesse said there's a basic lack of respect out there for motorcyclists.
Ralph called back and said that the thing that annoyed him the most about him on Apprentice was when he was going around saying that he was a blue collar kind of guy but he's married to Sandra Bullock. Jesse said he still works hard in his shop for 15 hours a day. Ralph said he's still married to Sandra Bullock though. Jesse said he still works in the same shop he was working in before though. Jesse said he's comfortable with what he does in life and it's not on the red carpet.
Ralph said he's not a blue collar worker though. Jesse said he is though. Fred said that Jesse is the kind of guy who goes to work for 8-12 hours a day and gets his hands dirty. Trump never did that.
Howard asked Jesse why he's trying to end his life early. Jesse said that they're all going to die and he's not afraid of that. He said he could go out and die in the street today and he'd die a happy man. Howard told Jesse to say hello to his wife for him. Jesse said that she's actually listening this morning. He said he's been with her for four years now and things are great. He said he didn't start living until now. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
After the break we heard a prank call Sal and Richard made to a public access call in show. Fred also played the Rolling Stones ''Tumbling Dice'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said that was a great song. Artie said they have a great version in that movie they did. Howard asked Robin why she just told Sal to fuck off. Robin said she's tired of dealing with these crazy people. She said she didn't like hearing him on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. She said he went off on her saying she should ''know her place'' and there is no place for her to know.
Robin said Sal told her he loves her but she told him ''Fuck you and your love...'' Howard said Sal did the same thing with Beth. Robin said she had to threaten to pour water on him to get him away from her.
Howard said he knows where Robin learned that water thing. It was her old boyfriend. Artie said that guy did that to Stuttering John one time when he farted at dinner. Mr. X poured water on him. Howard said he was justified in doing that. John didn't agree with him on that.
Artie said Howard had gotten this new cameras years ago and Mr. X had put a knife to Robin's throat in the picture and no one knew until they saw the picture. Howard said he knew the relationship was doomed around that time.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Beth O had just done a great makeover on that show this morning. She said Lisa G really needs to get her to help out. Mariann said she did a really good job with that make over. Howard said Beth told him about what she was going to be doing and the woman was freaking out about the whole thing because she wasn't comfortable with it. Mariann said that Sal was really saying some mean things about Robin yesterday. Howard said he had some audio of that to play.
Ralph said this is what Sal has been doing lately when he gets mad at someone. He said he could have taken it off the air and said it but Sal is out of line with that stuff.
Howard said he got an email from a guy who said that Robin had ruined the Jesse Ventura interview by hopping into the middle of questions.
Artie said he would never do anything to Robin like Sal did. He said Sal has no business telling her what to do no matter what.
Howard said he wanted to take something up with Ralph while he had him on the phone. Howard said Ralph is a real expert on the Wrap Up Show. He said he was asked about the jingling pants he had and Ralph wanted to cut the rings off the pants that day that he had tape on them. He told Ralph to just clip them at home when they're there.
Howard said Ralph was over and didn't clip the pants. Ralph said he was wearing them. Howard said he could have told him to leave them home. Ralph said he wanted to go see a movie and he didn't have the pants there. Howard said he didn't know Ralph was coming that day.
Howard said it's good that they're investigating this story. Steve said that Dan brought up Ken's name before he even brought it up when he spoke to him yesterday.
Steve said that Jimmy Kimmel was goofing on the advertisers at the ABC Up fronts yesterday and may have gotten into some trouble. He also took some shots at Jay Leno. Artie said that will be his last Up fronts. Howard said that's what some of the papers are saying today.
Steve said that they have a Captain Janks update too. He said Artie told him that Janks might not want to show up to the fund raiser. The lawyer is also pulling out of the case and won't be helping Janks out now. He said he's been handling a lot of stuff. Artie said that guy was doing a lot more than he's doing to help Janks. He said the attorney was traveling from court room to court room helping Janks out and he was doing it for free. Artie said no one should be giving him shit for that.
Steve said that Lisa G is a crossword puzzle clue on Yahoo today. He also got in a plug for the free Howard 100 and 101 on XM this week.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran through the list of subjects they were going to talk about. They ended up talking about Jesse James for a short time. They were talking about how dangerous riding a motorcycle can be and Robin said she won't ride after being in the emergency room seeing so many people hurt on them.
Howard was also talking about how he has no desire to ride Jesse's motorcycle. Howard said he doesn't want to confront those fears. He said the biggest fear he has is confronting his emotions. Howard said he's not afraid of riding a motorcycle. He said it's sitting on a moving bicycle and that would be confronting a fear but the odds are that he could be injured. Howard said he'd have a fear of fighting bears too. He said he just doesn't want to confront that stuff. Howard said he's afraid of a lot of things and he's sorry but he's not going to confront them.
Howard said he has done things in his life that made him feel like he had become more independent. Howard said he's afraid of sticking his finger in a light bulb socket but that's just dumb to do. Artie said he confronted his fear of pussy and he tried it and it turns out it's great.
Howard said another fear is being caught in a conversation with Fred and not being able to get out of it. He said he'd rather ride a motorcycle.
Robin said there have been people who have confronted their fears and it changes their life. Howard said he has done that by doing the radio show. Howard said he lived in Roosevelt, Long Island and survived that too.
Jon got back to his Wrap Up Show preview and ran down a few more things that they were going to cover. That led to them talking about Artie's book title. Artie said he got a few more suggestions. He said Brian Phelan suggested ''Artie Lange: I Don't Dance.'' Howard said that's okay but he's going to come up with something better. He had to think about that for a while.
Howard said Artie should call his book ''Sal is an asshole'' or ''War and Pizza.'' Robin told him to just name it ''Howard Stern Named This Book.'' Howard said he's going to have to think about it. Artie said ''The Great Fatsby.''
Jon Hein mentioned that Jason had gained 11 pounds over the weekend and Artie said that should be the title of the book. Ralph suggested ''Artie Lange: More Fucked Up Than You Thought.'' Howard and the guys threw out a bunch of other suggestions.
Steve Brandano came in with his Intern Show preview. It's their last intern show of the semester so they'll have Tracy in to review their performances and stuff like that. Howard said that Steve doesn't like being called ''Steve the Intern'' but that's like Eric the Midget not liking being called by that name. Steve said Howard can call him whatever he wants, it's other people that he doesn't want calling him an intern. Howard said they may have to change Eric the Midget's name to Giant Eric and just go opposite of what he is.
Howard showed a picture of the bulldog he's trying to get Adam Sandler to adopt. Robin started her news off with a story about Alec Baldwin and how he got into some trouble saying something about Philippino mail order brides on David Letterman's show. Alec was joking about getting a mail order bride from the Philippines or Russia. The Philippino government is upset with him for saying that they had mail order brides there.
Howard said tomorrow is the last day XM listeners can get the show for free. Howard said they're offering it up like crack to the fans. He said it does run through the weekend though. There just won't be live shows, only replays.
Artie said one of the interns gave him a name for his book based on what his father said. He said it was ''Artie Lange Swings Like a Cunt.'' Robin said he might have a hard time getting into Wal-Mart with a tittle like that. Artie said he's not getting in there either way.
Robin read a story about a guy who poked out his child's eyes. Then the guy attacked his own legs with an axe. The kid later said his daddy ate his eyes. Artie said that might be the title for his book... My Daddy Ate My Eyes.
Robin read a story about a man who had been convicted of killing a cocker spaniel with a hammer. Artie said he's afraid of that evil that's out there. He said the Hitler kind of evil is what he's afraid of. There are still people out there like that. Robin said that's an odd fear to her. They had to go to break a short time later.
After the break, around 10:30am, we heard a prank call Sal and Richard made to Gary the Retard where they kept saying hello to him until he got mad and hung up. Howard came back a short time later and said that his wife wasn't in the room. Robin said he was gazing at the couch like he was in love with it though. Howard said he is in love with the couch and blew some kisses at it.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a football player who had to chase a guy who stole his car while he left it running outside. Howard said his wife still wasn't there sitting on the couch. Howard said he was blowing the kisses to Fred.
Robin asked Howard what he watched last night, Idol or Dancing with the Stars. Howard said he watched Idol and sent in his 3 votes. He said he had to ask who he would go see if he had to pick one of the two. He said he would pick Adam Lambert. Howard said Beth turned to him and said she didn't care about either one. Howard said he went off and voted and told her not to complain about who wins if she's not going to vote.
Howard said one of the most brilliant actors of all time was sitting in the audience there. Sir Anthony Hopkins was there. Howard said the guy is brilliant and he was just sitting there without explanation. Howard said Katie Holmes was there too and she had her baby Surrey with her. Howard said that was bizarre. He said she was covering the baby's ears like the music was too loud and there was no reason for the kid to be there at all.
Artie said his mother would always cover up his ears when a gay guy was singing. Artie said he heard that David Bowie might be on American Idol. That's way too close to Springsteen going on. He begged Bruce to please never do that show.
Gary read that Anthony Hopkins was there because he wants to star in an American Idol movie and he wants to play the part of Simon. Gary said he read that Steve Martin is going to be on the show playing banjo tonight.
Robin asked Howard if he knows who won Dancing with the Stars. Howard said he hasn't been watching it that much but he will watch the end to see who won. Robin read the name of the winner and it was Sean Johnson. Howard asked Beth if he had stopped watching the show but she wasn't speaking.
Howard kept asking Beth questions but she wasn't supposed to be there so she just didn't say anything. Howard asked why she wasn't supposed to be there. She didn't answer.
Robin had some audio from Dancing with the Stars where Tom Bergeron read the winners. Robin said nothing will happen for that girl's career. Howard said Mario Lopez is all over the place after being on that show. He said he can't open a magazine without seeing him showing off his abs. Artie told him he's opening the wrong magazines.
Robin read a story about Michael Vick getting out of jail after serving time. Artie said he saw a great report on that and there will be an NFL team that will take a shot with him. He said all will be forgotten if the team wins.
Howard said the guy did go to jail and he should be able to make a living after that. Howard said he thinks he should be able to play football but he may never get endorsements like he could have gotten.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked why Beth isn't speaking. Howard told her that she's not actually there, it was just a joke. Mariann also said hello to the XM fans. Howard told Mariann that he could do an impression of Beth. He said he could say ''The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.'' Beth started to say that but started laughing so Howard joked that he couldn't hold it together.
Robin got back to her news and had some audio of Michael Vick's people talking about him getting out. Fred said that they did the tooth pulling with his dogs. They had them surgically removed though. That's how they trained other dogs to fight and that dog wouldn't bite back. Artie said the guy is an amazing player and he's great to watch. He thinks that they'll let him play.
A woman called in to tell Howard she was happy about the free Howard 100 and 101 on XM. She made it sound like she thought it was free forever but Howard didn't have the heart to break it to her that it was only this week it was free.
Robin read some news about the Yankees and George Steinbrenner owning them. She had some audio of people talking about how Steinbrenner has run his team and treated his managers.
Robin read a story about the state that has the highest number of old people in it. Howard said it must be out in the mid-west but Artie and Robin told him it must be Florida. Howard said that's right. Robin said that is actually the oldest state. Robin had some stats about that. The number 2 state is West Virginia.
Howard was doing his Beth impression again and said ''West Virginia'' as her. It was actually Beth saying a couple of words. Artie wanted to hear him yell at Sal in the Beth voice for 10 minutes. Beth laughed when she heard that.
Robin read some swine flu news. She had some stories about schools being closed and things like that.
Robin also had some news about the basketball finals that are starting. She talked about the games that were coming up.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Sal really is an idiot and they need to do something about him. Artie asked if they should water board him. She said she would support that 100 percent. Howard said he likes Sal. Robin said he's the only one among many.
Robin said the NAACP is trying to ban the use of the confederate flag in parades. Artie wondered when they were going to change the name of the NAACP to get rid of ''Colored People.''
Robin had some news about the Kardashians who say their store was graffitied. Artie said that they're vandalizing TV with their awful TV show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loved the Jesse James interview earlier. He said he doesn't like the long interviews usually but that one was great. He also asked for a bottle of Mambo but they didn't have one for him.
Robin read a story about Eminem's new album coming out. She had some audio of him on Jimmy Kimmel's show.
Robin had some clips of Christian Bale talking about the new Terminator movie. Howard played about 2 seconds of that. He also had some clips of Robin Williams talking about the new Night at the Museum movie and Howard refused to play more than a couple of seconds of that.
Robin had a couple more stories about movies that are coming out. She had a couple of audio clips of Sasha Grey talking about being cast in a mainstream movie after being in porn. Howard wanted to hang himself during that clip. He ended the show a short time later, right around 11:05am.
Jon said he thinks that Fred was excited to meet Jesse today. Robin may have been too. Gary said her titties were out but he's not sure if that's the reason they were out.
Gary said he wouldn't have been able to pick Jesse out of a line up before today. He had no idea what he looked like.
Jon asked Benjy if he liked him on the show. Benjy said he was good and he liked the way he got mad at Ralph on the phone today. Jon said you don't want to mess with that guy either. He said that's what Ralph does with people though.
Jon said Jesse didn't talk much about his marriage to Janine but it sounds like it was a pretty rough ride. Gary said Jesse said that things aren't always as they appear and that summed it up pretty well. Jon actually had that audio clip so he played it. Jesse said that you should just ''buy the DVD'' if you have any fantasies about marrying a porn star. Jon and Gary talked about Jesse and Sandra and how they met and how they carve up their finances.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Jesse seems to be like two different guys. Today he was very comfortable and on Apprentice he wasn't. Gary said Jesse was very nervous about coming on because this is like a different level for him.
Gary said his wife wants him to go to ballet and he just doesn't think he could sit through it. He knows he should go to see it but he's pretty sure he'd hate it. Gary said he did go to see Mikhail Barisnikov. He said he did it once and that's it. Jon said you do have to compromise on that kind of stuff sometimes.
Fred came in to talk about Jesse's motorcycles. He said that it's a bargain when you can have someone build you a custom motorcycle that's crafted just for you.
Gary said Tim Sabean was jumping up and down in the office saying that he couldn't believe that Howard was going to turn down the bike that Jesse offered to him.
Fred said Jesse is one of the top bike builders out there and it's like one of the last frontiers out there for custom builders. He said it's kind of like being a cowboy.
Gary asked if the guys on Orange County Choppers are really good or just a fad. Fred said he thinks that they're good at what they do but there are people who don't think what they do is all that great.
Gary said he always gives motorcycle guys room when he's driving. He said the only thing that bothers him is the guys who go between cars. Fred said he agrees with that. He said it's a dangerous practice and it can freak people out in their cars.
Fred said he used to ride when he was 14, 15, 16 and then gave up for years and went back. He went to some safety courses and got back into it. He said he learned a lot taking the classes and he thinks that's why he's pretty confident on them now.
Jon said that it is frustrating when you see guys getting through traffic on a motorcycle and you're just trying to get somewhere and you're stuck. Gary said he's seen guys doing wheelies down the highway at like 100 miles per hour. Fred said those guys can be kind of crazy. He said if you don't wear your equipment right it could kill you too.
Gary asked Fred if he thinks that Howard would ever get on a bike. Fred said there's no way Howard would get on a bike unless Bianca and Beth were being held captive and that was the only way to get them back.
Gary asked Jon if he knows anyone who has pins in their legs from a crash. Howard claims he knew guys who had crashed and had pins in their legs. Gary knows none, Jon knows none.
Fred said he came close to crashing hard when he hit something in the road. Fred said he rode about 20 feet after hitting something. He said he had to sit for about 10 minutes that day after almost crashing.
Jon asked Fred how he rides thinking about what could happen. Fred said you have to think you're going to be safe and just think about the people who are going to cut you off and things like that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Ralph challenging Jesse about his being blue collar took balls. Gary said that blue collar guys can make a lot of money and still have that mentality. Gary said he thinks that there are people who can be like Jesse and still be Blue Collar.
Another caller said he met Jesse last year and he showed up to a fair to help them raise money and he's really a nice guy. He said the guy was very gracious doing that for them. The guy said he busts his ass doing what he does and he made himself and no one helped.
Ralph called in and said that he doesn't know Jesse from anywhere else other than the Apprentice but he kept saying that he was a blue collar guy in that show. He said just because he works on a bike for 15 hours a day doesn't make him blue collar. Fred said Jesse is saying that he can identify with those type of people more than he can with a Donald Trump.
Ralph said the guy was supposed to be raising money for charity on that show and he could have reached out to Sandra and his friends. Ralph said there was no reason to go on the show if he wasn't going to play that game.
Gary asked Ralph if he would reach out to Howard if he was on that show. Ralph said he would reach out to Howard. He said he'd still make the call even if he knew Howard would turn him down. Gary said Ralph would know he was going to be turned down and he wouldn't make that call.
Fred thought Ralph was being hard on Jesse. Ralph said he thought he was great on Howard's show today but he didn't come off good on Celebrity Apprentice. Fred said everyone looked bad on that show. He said he would never go on that show because of that.
Fred and Ralph spent a little time talking about Apprentice and what they thought of what went on. Fred said he's not sure he's going to watch next season because of the way they made people look. Ralph said Fred will watch it next year. He knows he will. They talked about some of the things that happened on the show and argued about some of that stuff.
Jon said that they had to move on after Benjy tried to tell a failed joke. Gary said Benjy's voice is off this week because he suffers from night terrors and he's apparently been screaming in his sleep lately.
Benjy said he doesn't remember doing it but this week he woke up and he had ripped up the bed and ran to the door. He said he's not sure what's going on there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wishes that someone would take Ralph's phone from him and throw it out. He said Ralph doesn't know what blue collar ethics are. The guy asked what Jesse was wearing today. Gary said Jesse was wearing his own clothing line. The caller said Jesse doesn't have people driving him around or fixing up his hair and stuff. Gary said he bets he does have those kind of people once in a while.
Tim Sabean came in so Jon asked him about his excitement about Jesse. Tim said Jesse is an artist and the way he builds the bikes shows that he's an outlaw. Gary figured they would be hearing a Jesse James radio show in a couple of weeks.
Tim said that Jesse is an amazing bike builder. He said he just sold a Harley that he had a few years ago. Tim said he sold his bike because he almost got rammed into a cement divider a few years ago. Tim said he had to give it up back then. Tim said it may have been his straight pipes that bothered the guy. He said the guy tried to run him into the cement and it just wasn't cool.
Tim talked about how you have to ride defensively when you're on a bike. He and Fred said that you always have to leave yourself an escape route. Gary said he might be getting a Vespa, is that a motorcycle? Fred said that's a start.
Tim and Fred shared some thoughts on riding and how you can be safe out there. Tim said he sees guys in shorts riding and that's going to be painful if they crash. Tim said that the guys with the girls on the back with nothing but a skirt or shorts on is wrong too.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Gary is so gay. He said he can't pitch and he's talking about getting a Vespa. The guy said Gary is a gay guy and he throws like a girl.
Dan the Song Parody Man called in and said he wants to get in on the motorcycle discussion. Gary asked him about the bike he's supposed to sell to pay Artie back. Dan said he can't even get the bike to sell back because he owes so much back rent on the bikes.
Jon asked Dan about the windfall of money he was expecting and if he has anything in the works that will allow him to pay Artie back. Dan said he's working on some stuff.
Gary asked Dan how he makes his money generally. Dan said he's a sound engineer but right now it's tough in this economy to do that. He said he's just hustling to make some money right now.
Benjy asked what the windfall was supposed to be. Dan said he can't even talk about that but Benjy might know something about it.
Dan said he has to pay his bills first and then he's saving up to pay Artie back. Dan said he's trying to sell everything he can to pay off all of his debts. Jon wanted to know if he's done anything to pay Artie back. Dan said he's offered to help Artie out.
Fred said that they had a guy on the show who did medical experiments to fund his movie. Dan said he's had enough stuff shot into his body. Jon had to go to break a short time later.
Richard came in and said that he has ridden but he hasn't ridden in a long time. Fred said Teddy has an inexpensive bike. Richard said he gets stressed out driving too so he might not get into that.
Jon congratulated Richard about his new band and asked why he didn't mention it on the show. Richard said he feels weird bringing that stuff up on the show. He hates to crowbar it into the show. Gary said he's one of the few people on the show who don't like to crowbar stuff into the show.
Fred and Richard talked about working with each other on songs and stuff. Fred said it's great to see that Richard is getting a deal like that. Gary asked Fred if he was upset when Stuttering John got a record deal. Fred said it didn't have anything to do with the music at all, it was other stuff about John that bothered him.
Richard said he has a small budget and a short time to get it recorded so he can't have Fred play on it. Next time maybe.
Jon asked Richard about how he's preparing for the recording. Richard said he's been practicing and stuff and he has blood blisters that broke on his hands. He said he's always kept up on the drums but he's been pounding it hard lately.
Richard said he's let Sal hear some of the songs and he's excited for him. He said Sal knows a lot about music and he respects his opinions on that stuff. Richard said he told Sal he should put his G-Man stuff out there. Fred disagreed with him on that.
Jon asked Richard how Sal is doing after Robin told him to fuck off today. Richard said it didn't seem to bother him at all. Gary said Sal never notices that they let him tie the rope around his neck to hang himself on the show all the time. He still thinks that he was doing Robin a favor yesterday by saying that stuff he said.
Fred asked how long Robin has been on the show and how long Sal has been on the show. He said that Robin isn't going to listen to what Sal had to say to her.
Benjy said Sal has the right to bite back though. Gary said he wasn't biting back, he was talking about other stuff. Fred said Sal is making it look like Howard has no power when he talks like that. He was basically saying Howard didn't have the balls to say it to Robin to shut up. That's not what's going on there though.
Jon asked Fred what he would do if Sal gave him some constructive criticism. Fred said it would go in one ear and out the other and he'd just go on with his day. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about how Bryce Dallas Howard was coming in this morning. He said he was excited about that. He said that should be a good interview. He said she's coming in to promote the new Terminator movie. Artie said Ron Howard, her dad, couldn't have been a nicer guy when he was in there.
Howard said he had to stay up and watch the season finale of American Idol last night so he's tired this morning. Howard said he stayed up too late because the show was on until 10:06. He said it was two hours of almost a Grammy's show. He said they had a couple of bands come out to perform with the kids. They had Rod Stewart and some other people like that come out. KISS came out, Queen came out. Artie said that's not Queen, Queen is dead.
Howard said the kid who he voted for was fronting Queen. He also fronted KISS. He ended up losing. Howard thinks it was homophobia. Howard said if he had to go see one of them it wouldn't have been the winner. Howard said it's a singing competition and the better singer was the gay kid. He said he's more of a showman and he should have won.
Robin said he's basing it on their performances and she thought the other kid was better. She thought the gay kid was screechy and not so good.
Artie said he thinks that last night was all of their final performances. Howard said that could be true because they don't all break out and make it.
Howard said Cyndi Lauper was looking good last night. Rod Stewart was kind of tripping all over himself but it was nice to see him performing.
Robin asked if you want to see an oldies concert when you watch that show. Howard said the new judge got up and sang and then stripped down to her bra and panties. He said she had a kick as body too. He said you'd want to bang that chick.
Artie wondered if Queen called them or if the American Idol people called them. Howard figured the Idol people called them. He said Brian May is kind of thinning on top and he's looking a little chubby. Howard said even he had to cut his hair at some point. Howard said you can't keep that look forever.
Artie said he has a picture from his first day there and Howard had his really long hair. Howard said he thought it looked good that long but now he looks back and sees it wasn't all that good.
Howard said he remembers this guy Eddie who used to work in sales at K-Rock and he was one of those fun guys that everyone wanted to hang out with. That's what made him such a great sales guy. Howard said Eddie was a big factor in selling the show and he told him not to worry about them selling the show. He said Eddie was able to always sell out the show.
Howard said the guy showed up one day and he was a pretty heavy set guy. He said he showed up with an ear ring one day and he didn't know the guy cared about his looks that much. Howard said he told Eddie the ear ring looked great and Eddie told him to fuck off.
Howard didn't think his hair looked that good. Robin said it did too. Artie said his sister watched Howard TV the other day and called him to say that Howard looked fantastic. Howard said he and Stacy could have had a future together if he hadn't met Beth. Artie said that's the reason he got on the show, to match his sister up with Howard Stern.
Howard said he and Stacy would have ended up together. Artie told him not to say that because he doesn't want Beth hating her. Howard said she loves Stacy.
Artie said his guy Helicopter Mike met Beth yesterday and he asked him how she was. Mike told him that he didn't hear a word she said because he wasn't able to get past her beauty.
Howard said Bruce Springsteen was mentioned in the paper recently and implicated in a couple's divorce. Howard said he feels bad for the guy because that kind of rocks his world. Bruce is married so that kind of screws things up. Howard said they're now saying that the woman is claiming the husband was looking to get money out of Bruce and it wasn't a true story at all.
Howard said that's what the wife is claiming and he feels bad for Bruce having to go through that kind of thing. Howard said Bruce may not have cheated but it sets up this weird thing between a man and a woman. He said the wife might still be suspicious.
Howard said that story about him buying a stripper a car one time wasn't true and even though it was proven false, it still comes up like it was a real story. Howard said it shouldn't be part of his life but it stays with him no matter what.
Artie mentioned he's going to the Bruce Springsteen show tonight actually. Robin said she's going too. Artie told her to come with him because he's going to go by the Mad Dog show. Mad Dog is going to be doing his show from the concert.
Howard said he ran into Mad Dog yesterday when he went to a meeting. He said Chris has his studio off by the offices so he ended up talking to him there. Howard said he feels good that Chris is working there.
Howard said you run into a lot of people that have never worked in radio there at satellite and it's kind of weird. He said it's nice to have guys like Chris there.
Howard said some guys turn out to be good on radio even though they've never done it. He said Jim Breuer was like that. Howard said they have so much freedom there that they can give a guy like Riley Martin a show.
Artie asked if they're going to do the John the Stutterer show with that guy who has the weird stutter. Howard said they are going to be doing a show.
Artie said Jamie Foxx is funny too on his Foxx Hole Show. Howard said he does that from his house and invites some people over to hang out. Robin said the Chuck Zito show is great too. Artie said that might be the greatest show ever.
Howard said he sees Chris Russo there and he feels like it's real radio again. He said Chris shook his hand yesterday but he's never going to do that again, he's just going to do the bump. He said he's swearing off shaking hands all together. He said he hates that feeling of sweaty hands on his.
Howard said Chris Russo is an old time guy and he likes to shake hands but he has to cut that out. He said he's got to remember to do that from now on. He forgot that with Chris.
The caller asked about the American Idol show and if he thinks Adam lost because he's gay. Howard said he does think that might be the case. Howard said last night they mentioned there were 100 million votes and they usually say how close it was. Last night they didn't do that. Howard said he thinks that it may have been a landslide win.
Howard said he's sure a lot of people voted for Adam Lambert but he doesn't think it was a close vote. Artie said that's ridiculous that they wouldn't vote for a gay guy in American Idol.
The caller asked if he thinks that there's a conspiracy there and they didn't want that guy to win because sometimes they do better if they don't win. Howard said he was zoning out and didn't know what the guy was saying.
The caller had a book title for Artie. He said ''Fat Enough to Know.'' Artie didn't like it, he thanked the guy for calling in. Howard told Artie he hates ''Scooch.'' Artie laughed. Howard said that makes him think of a dog rubbing it's ass on the carpet.
Howard said he got some feedback from the fans about some of the book titles they threw out there yesterday. He said the fans liked something he said. Artie said he was thinking about this thing you do when you bet with a bookie. He said he could call it ''Artie Lange: Paying the Vig.''
Howard said people liked ''War and Pizza.'' Artie said that was just a joke and he's not going to do that. Artie hated that one. He said that it might as well be ''Boar and Peace.'' Artie said it may end up being ''The Great Fatsby.'' Howard read some of the other titles that the fans threw in. Artie didn't seem to like many of them at all.
Howard said he thinks that the no kissing thing came about because of the movie ''Pretty Woman'' and now all the whores think they're not supposed to kiss. Howard said kissing isn't that big of a deal and he doesn't get that rule.
Howard said kissing wouldn't be the most horrible thing and it's just something for the girls to say. Howard said Beth is more like a guy and isn't into the kissing the way he is. He said he must be really needy or something because she's not that into it. He said she'll tell him to get down to it and he'll need more foreplay.
Artie said he thinks it's a chick thing because the only whores who have kissed him have been dudes. He said he was just joking and told his Uncle Frank it was just a joke, it never happened.
Robin and Artie asked Howard if he's going to do another wedding with Beth. Howard said he liked that party and it always sounds like a good idea but then he ends up hating the parties. He said that's what happens when they invite people to stay for the weekend with them. He said it sounds like a great idea at first but then it turns into something he hates.
Howard said he and Beth had a great wedding. He said he'd like to take people to their favorite restaurant and that's what they did for the wedding last year. He said it was very simple and not a big to-do. He said it was nice to do it all in the same place too so they didn't have to drive around.
Howard said it wasn't like they were the only thing going on that day. Artie said he liked going because it was someplace that people actually wanted to be at. Howard said it was a fun night.
Howard said he hates going to the long, drawn out church ceremony and he just wants to drink. He said he can't stand weddings like that.
Artie said he was going to take the hottest chick on the planet to that wedding but he knew it was crowded so he just kept the one seat. Howard told him he should have brought her. Howard said there were a few people who were invited that were going to bring people and he didn't want them to do that. Howard said he would have loved to have seen this chick that Artie wanted to bring.
Howard joked that it was Benjy he was talking about but then he said that he has that great friend Sheila he brought with him. Howard said it was the other girls he was worried about. He said he didn't need half of Craigslist showing up there.
Howard said Beth asked JD what his suit was like and he mumbled a few words and seemed to want to just get her away from him. JD was mumbling and saying ''You know'' and ''Whatever'' a lot while Beth was asking him the questions.
JD came in and said that was a spot on impression of him. Artie said it actually was a great impression.
Howard said Beth asked JD where he got the suit and JD mumbled something and she figured that he had rented it. She asked if it was a tux. JD didn't know and said he just rented it. Howard said he had rented the suit but you don't usually rent a suit.
Howard said JD was saying ''I dunno'' to her too. Gary said he and Beth were asking if it was a suit or a tuxedo and JD didn't know. Gary said it was like all of a sudden they were the nutty ones. JD said when he thinks of a tux it has a bow tie and that wasn't the case.
Howard said the great thing about JD is that he doesn't know the difference between a suit and a tux and he was the one who rented it. Howard said JD was there first hand and he has no idea what he did.
JD said he went to a shop in Ohio to rent the suit. He said he got measured and they made this suit or tux for him.
Howard asked JD some more questions and found out he had a cumber bun and some other stuff that go with a tux so they figured it was a tux. Howard said you don't wear a cumber bun if it's not a tux.
Artie said JD has been wearing the same sweat shirt forever and he's ruining the brand. It was an Artie Lange sweat shirt.
Gary said he and Beth spent like 2 minutes talking to him about this suit. He said with most people it would have been a 5 second conversation. They would have asked what he wore and he would have said ''a tux'' and the conversation would have been over.
Howard said he can't leave this job because he's not sure what JD is going to do for a living. He said he's going to end up at Wal-Mart or something. Artie said he would have JD work for him because he's good at what he does. Howard asked JD what he's going to do if he leaves. JD said he knows Gary, Jon and others so he has made connections. Artie got a laugh out of that. He asked if he's going to work for Jon while he's teaching classes at college.
Howard said he was talking to Beth about JD and they were talking about how he has to learn English before he can be a director. JD said he's edited videos for Artie's web site and they're good. Artie said they are good and he's a good editor. Robin said that's not directing though. Robin said a director has to explain things to people and he can't do that. Artie said JD is screwed then.
Howard said Beth was telling him how bad JD's schedule is. JD gets there around Midnight and then leaves right after the show some days. Beth figured out that JD doesn't want to be on the subway at certain times. Howard said something horrible happened to him when his iPod was stolen. JD said he's afraid to ride the subway in the middle of the day.
Howard said he gets all upset thinking about what JD is going to do if he leaves radio. Robin said that everything JD does tells people to stay away from him. He was wearing a Miss Butterface t-shirt. He said that tells people to stay away from him.
Howard asked JD how he's going to get a girl like Bryce Howard if he's wearing stuff like that. Robin wondered where he got those pants too. She said they don't say anything except ''stay away.'' JD said that might be it for her but with other people it might not.
Artie said at times you have to listen to a broad. Howard said that's only if you want to get one. Howard told JD to try and answer in a full sentence.
Artie asked Howard if he knows where JD lives. JD said he lives in Coney Island. Artie said that's like no man's land. He said it's a really bad area. JD said he sees Jeff the Vomit Guy riding his bicycle out there by him. He said he sees him at the corner store sometimes and he hopes he doesn't recognize him.
Howard asked JD if he could move into Manhattan if he had a couple of roommates. JD said he has one roommate now and he's doing okay.
Gary said JD has been asked to live in Hoboken and he turns it down. JD said ''I don't know'' when he was asked why he won't move there. JD said he really doesn't know. Howard said it's a much nicer neighborhood. JD said that living with someone who he hasn't lived with before isn't what he's looking for. Howard asked why he's comfortable with the roommate he has now. JD said he knows himself and he's not comfortable with drastic change.
Howard said it might mean a nicer lifestyle. JD didn't seem to care. Artie told him that he could live with him but he'd have to split the mortgage. He asked JD if he could afford 40 grand a month.
Howard said JD isn't getting a lot of chicks but how about his roommate. JD said his roommate is getting chicks.
Howard got Eric on the phone and asked if he really wants to be called that. Eric said he does. Howard asked him to say it. Eric said Eric Moscerino and said that maybe he's Italian. Johnny said he can promise him that he's not Italian.
Eric said that ''Eric the Midget'' isn't an acceptable name. He refuses to let them call him that. Howard said he thinks Eric is way out of line with this.
Robin asked Eric why the word is so offensive. She said he had all day to figure out why it's offensive. Eric said the fact that the terms little people and little person are being directed at a person and Midget is too broad of a thing. Howard said Dwarf is the same thing and they say that a dwarf is ''human like'' if you look up the definition.
Eric said he wants to be known as a person and that's why he likes the ''little person'' term and not ''midget.'' Howard said that they maybe they could call him ''Eric the Midget Person.'' Eric said that's not going to work. Howard said that's a good compromise because it's calling him a person.
They looked up the definition of midget and it was describing a little person. Robin said that Herve Villachaise insisted on being called a midget.
Johnny was saying that there was a hot looking midget broad on some TV show. He said she looks like a little person. Howard asked Eric if he would bang a midget chick. Eric said it depends, he might. Johnny said this chick is hot and she looks completely normal but just a little small. Eric said the show is called ''Little Couple.'' Johnny said she's a doctor.
Robin said she was looking up the definitions for midget and none of them were bad. Howard said he could call him Eric the Cabbage Patch Doll. Eric didn't like that either.
Johnny said he's not going to call the guys at TMZ to make them apologize. Howard said they did that as a favor for him and he should be happy they mentioned him at all.
Johnny said that his mother used to ask his father if he killed people if she read about a killing in the paper. He said it's kind of like that Bruce Springsteen thing that they were talking about earlier.
Howard told Eric that he has to stick with the Eric the Midget name. He said it's going to stick no matter what. Howard had to let them go and went to break.
Howard came back and said that next week they have some specials coming up. They have ''Laughing with the Stars'' on Monday and Tuesday. Jimmy Kimmel and Jerry O'Connell are hosting those two days. They have ''Doctor Stern, Celebrity Shrink'' on Wednesday and Thursday. Jeff Probst is hosting that one.
Howard said that Bryce Dallas Howard will be in soon. He said he had some things to play and asked the guys what they wanted to hear. He mentioned things like clips of Dr. Drew talking about how he will never treat Artie. He said he had some TV show clips like the Bachelorette. He said someone got the name ''Eaton Beaver'' on a TV show.
Howard had a clip of Stuttering John on the Tom Green show. Howard said it won't be interesting to anyone but the people on this show. Howard said John clammed up when he was asked about Jay Leno but he had plenty to say about Howard Stern.
Howard said he was listening to the demo track for ''Born in the USA'' and whoever produces his songs deserves an award. Howard said the song wasn't that good. He played the clip after Artie told him that this guy John Landau produces the songs.
Artie said he likes the demo track. Howard said that song somehow became that hit ''Born in the USA.'' It was almost a completely different song.
Robin asked if Howard was saying that Bruce writes just mediocre songs and the producers are the ones who make the songs hits. Artie gave Robin a ''fuck you!'' and said he loved the demo and he loves the final produced version.
Howard said that song now wouldn't have been a hit if it wasn't arranged the way it was on the album. Fred said this is one of those songs that makes you wonder how they turned it into a hit. Howard said he's just showing how drastic the difference is between the demo and the final song. It's not the same melody or anything. Artie said he's mad at them for doing this. He said he was just kidding and it really was an amazing difference.
Howard said he had a clip of Richard's dad talking to him about the swine flu. Mr. Christy told Richard to wear a mask to make sure he doesn't get it. Howard said he loves it when Mr. Christy checks in with him about that kind of stuff.
Howard said the funny thing is that Richard's dad probably just found out about the swine flu 2 days ago. Meanwhile they've had it there for weeks.
Drew said Artie isn't going to stay off of drugs doing this program he's doing. Drew said he really needs to get into treatment. The caller told Drew about the stuff Artie was saying about him and that led to Drew saying that he's going to refuse to treat Artie. He said he heard they're going after Artie and he will not treat him so he told the producers to stop going after him.
Howard said Drew's program doesn't always work either so it's safe to say that Artie's program isn't going to work. Howard said Drew doesn't really know about what Artie is doing so commenting on it like that isn't right.
Artie said that his system is working and he has guys making sure that he's not doing anything that he's not supposed to. He said Dr. Drew seems like a nice guy and all but he should look at himself and ask if he really knows that much about him. He said it's kind of irresponsible. Robin said she's not so sure he's a nice guy either.
Howard said she said there will be no kissing on the first date. Lisa said she got nervous yesterday when she heard that Jesse James and Sandra Bullock had a big make out session on their second date. Lisa said she's feeling a lot of pressure. She said if she doesn't kiss him he might think something is wrong with her.
Lisa got to her news preview and said she spoke to a news cantor and he told her about Howard's singing of some songs and said that he may have gone too fast singing them. Howard said that was a recording that he made as a kid so he may not have been singing that fast when he did it live.
Lisa had a story about a 12 year old girl who threw out the first pitch at a game before Gary did and she was able to throw it better than Gary did.
Howard said Gary is still catching shit for this pitch. He said Gary got a flat tire in the garage where he parks his car. Gary said he didn't feel like doing the tire himself so he asked the guys to get him someone to help pump up the tire. Gary said this guy came over and hooked up the tire thing and told him that he shouldn't even help him because he throws like a bitch. He said he was a complete stranger.
Gary said he asked the guy ''what?'' because he didn't quite hear him and the guy repeated himself. Artie said that he would have pumped up the tire himself and then told the guy he was going to show him how he punches like a bitch. Howard said that was out of line and he doesn't think that guy should have done that.
Howard read some feedback about the Jesse James interview. He said the fans liked the interview and some people were blown away that he wanted to build him a motorcycle. Howard said the fans think he should take him up on that offer.
Howard read some mail about Ralph's call to Jesse and how he wasn't a blue collar worker. Howard said this guy was pointing out that it's not about money when you say you're a blue collar worker. The guy said Ralph was out of line with that.
Lisa said Lisa Lampanelli's pilot got picked up but she got cut from the pilot. They may bring her character into the show but right now she's not part of it. Howard said they have to hope it's not a hit show because Lisa will feel like crap. Lisa said Lisa is okay with it because she's got a lot of great things going on now anyway.
Howard said he brought up Jesse James earlier because of how he was talking about breaking people's collar bones when he fights. Yesterday he was punching himself in the collar bone just to see how hard he'd have to hit it. He said just tapping it hard hurts a lot.
Artie said he broke his collar bone one time and it really is painful. Artie told Howard that if you get your finger into a guy's mouth you can rip their cheek really hard and that will make them almost go unconscious.
Howard said Chuck Zito talks about how you can hit a guy in the chin in the right spot and knock them out. Howard said he's not sure he could hit with that much force. He had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and asked Robin what she's doing this holiday weekend. Robin said it doesn't matter where she's going. Howard asked what she's up to. Robin said she's going to Arizona. She said she could be going to a spa or something. Howard asked if this is the new guy she's going out with or something. Robin didn't know what he was talking about.
Howard asked why she won't even tell him where she's going. Robin said she likes to just do her thing. Howard said he knows that but he's not sure why she's clamming up on him.
Howard said Arizona is nice at this time of year. Artie said he really likes it out there but it's probably 204 degrees. Howard asked who Robin knows out there. Robin said she knows a lot of people out there. She has some friends who moved out there and Howard doesn't particularly know them.
Howard asked if she's going to be at Area 51 or something. She said she's not up to anything weird, she just likes to be able to move around without scrutiny. Howard was just trying to find out what she's up to.
Howard asked Robin if she's on to something new that's going to make her even foxier. Robin said no. Howard said she's going to get tired of the Dr. Roni stuff soon and maybe she's on to something new. Robin said she doesn't know what he's talking about.
Robin asked Howard what he's doing this weekend. Howard said he's doing absolutely nothing. He said he is going to fly in a Native American Shamen to teach him about colonics. Robin said she's never heard of such a thing. Howard asked if she knows any Shamen. She said she does actually. Howard said he knew it.
Howard asked Robin if she has ever been part of a ceremony with a Shamen. Robin said she hasn't. Artie said a Shamen tried to help his father but the guy died a week later.
Howard said he doesn't mind that she can run better than him but she has to keep him in the game when she runs with him. Howard said he feels bad because he's getting older and he can't keep up.
Howard said he's happy even if she can beat him. He said he learned in therapy that he can't have everything. He said you won't always be the bigger and stronger person.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he hears his mother's voice in his head or is that just something he says. Howard didn't answer that right away. He ended up talking about the Shamen thing again and said he's worried about Robin getting caught up in that whole thing and maybe fucking some guy she thinks is some big spiritual leader or something.
Fred said he's seen a Shamen blow smoke into another person's ass and he's not even joking about that. He said it's some kind of therapy thing.
Howard got back to the caller and told him that he does hear his mother's voice in his head. Fred played clips of his mother saying ''Hello'' and things as he was talking about that.
Howard said he used to think things through as his mother did and that's why he had to do the therapy thing. He said his mother would tell him her life story and he had to hear that every day, over and over again, until it was in his head.
Howard did the impression of his mother and talked about some of the things that she'd tell him about. It was all of the horrible things that she had to go through as she grew up. Howard said he was so filled with those stories that he became sad for her and he felt more sadness than his mother did. He said he might be more fearful of the world than his mother was.
Howard said he was so caught up in this that he wouldn't even buy more than a pair of underwear because that's what his mother had growing up. Howard said his mother used to tell him that running would make him sick so he wouldn't run. He said she would tell him he'd get a cold if he ran in the rain. It wasn't good for his joints either.
Howard did the impression for a couple of minutes and told the caller about all of this horrible stuff his mother put into his head. He also talked about how his mother took his temperature anally into his teens.
Howard said his mother is living his life. He said that she told him that he was her property and he was her representative in life. Howard said he had to find himself in there somewhere and that's why he went to therapy.
Howard said his mother won't let go and he's still trying to work on all of that stuff in therapy. He said he can't separate from his mommy though.
Howard said, in all seriousness, his mother had a very tragic life. He said he is emerging like a butterfly and he's in a cocoon right now. He said he will have a new pair of underwear when he emerges.
The caller asked Howard why Eric the Midget wnated to be caleld Moscerino if it still means ''midget.'' Howard siad he thinks that the little people started this organization and made this ''midget'' into a bad word and he's not sure why. He said the word ''dwarf'' is even worse than that as far as he's concerned.
Howard said he thinks Eric has it in his head that the word is offensive but he really doesn't find it offensive himself. Howard said Eric doesn't like the name so he wanted to change it.
Howard's mother (audio clips) called in and talked to him for a minute. Howard played along with that for a short time.
Jeff said he wanted to tell him about Beth. He said they listed her as Beth Stern in the TV Guide. Howard told him he had to get going. Jeff wanted to talk more but Howard had to move along and he was taking forever to get out whatever it was he wanted to say.
Jeff asked if he could play a game. Howard said he actually had a game to play. He had ''Password with Big Foot'' to play.
Howard said they have clips of Big Foot giving clues for this game of Password. The clue was ''checkers'' and Robin guessed it was Chess. She was right.
Howard played the game with Jeff and the first clue from Big Foot was ''Ape.'' Jeff guessed gorilla but it was wrong. Next was Chimpanzee and he was wrong when he guessed it was monkey. The next one was ''hairy man.'' Jeff guessed ''cave man.''
Sal came in and said that Jeff actually guessed that it was gorilla so he was right. Sal said he was worried he fucked it up. Howard said he did fuck it up. He told him he did it wrong. Sal said he didn't fuck it up but Howard insisted that he did. He told him he did it wrong but it was okay.
Howard said the answer was gorilla so Jeff was right. He put him on hold so he could get his prize. Howard said he had a better one to play but Sal fucked up the game and put the letter Z after the letter A and screwed up the way he had it laid out on the paperwork.
Howard played the next clues which were ''cocaine,'' ''Vikodin,'' and ''percs'' and the word he was going for was ''heroin.''
Howard said Gary and Sal are yelling at each other out in the office. Howard said Sal is retarded. Gary said he tried explaining it to Sal why it went wrong but he's fighting him. Gary said he told Sal to get out and then he came back and said that he was right. Gary said Sal has to fight before he gives in.
Howard said Sal puts together games like Gary pitches. He had to go to break after that.
Howard came back from break and said he likes that song but he's heard the guy who sings it is a douche. Fred said he is a douche but it is a good song. Fred said he heard rumors that Scott Stapp started drinking and things fell apart.
Howard said that Bryce Dallas Howard was coming in. He said she's in the new Terminator movie. Howard said that's pretty exciting in itself. Howard said it was nice to see her. He told her he had her dad in there last week and had fun with him. She said he loves coming in there.
Howard told Bryce that her dad has only had sex with her mother. She said she didn't know that before then. Howard said that's kind of unreal and he seems really well adjusted even if that's the case. Howard said he's not sure if he's ever met Bryce's mother. She said she's really great.
Howard said Bryce grew up in Connecticut and in high school she never even went out on a date. She didn't go out until she was 18. Bryce asked Howard how he knew that. Howard said he knows a lot about her. Howard said she just wasn't into guys and she didn't need to drink or anything like that when she was that age.
Bryce said that her parents are great. Howard asked if she has only had sex with one guy. She said that she met her husband at 19 and she married him and may have only had sex with him. He said it's like she's following in her father's footsteps. Bryce said they were very lucky they met their spouses so early in life. She said she's very lucky.
Howard asked Bryce if she was her husband's first too. She said she didn't want to say. Howard said she hasn't experienced the physical love with another person. Artie said it was so nice having a classy person in the studio. Robin took offense so Artie said he just meant a guest that was classy.
Howard asked Bryce about why she didn't date in school. She said that she kept to herself and her best friend was an English teacher. She said that some people thought it was kind of inappropriate but it was just a friendly thing. Howard said that seems to be an actor type of thing to be friendly with someone like that.
Howard asked Bryce about not wanting to do her monologue for her father in the trip up to college. Ron mentioned that when he was in last week. Bryce said she wanted to do something on her own so that's why she didn't want to do it for him.
Artie said he thinks that when you come from a family like that you almost have to prove yourself more than usual. Bryce said getting through the door is tough when you come from a family like that.
Howard asked Bryce about the movie where she showed full bush and breasts. She said that was ''Manderlay.'' She said she's not uptight about that kind of thing at all. She's totally willing to show that kind of stuff for a part if she feels it's right.
Bryce said her grandfather came to see the first play she was naked in and he told her how proud he was of her and how she wouldn't have any inhibitions now that she's done it. Howard said he would think of a way to get her naked in a play if he were a professor. She said that the guy had no desire to get women naked. He may have wanted to get men naked but not women.
Howard asked Bryce about not shaving down for the Manderlay movie. She said it took place in the 1930s so that's why she kept the full bush. Artie told her she didn't have to take it that literally. She said it did take place on a plantation so they didn't shave.
Howard said his mother doesn't shave down there and she has tremendous hair down there. Howard said she's so '30s. Howard said her hair down there looks like the hair on his head. Bryce said he has beautiful hair on his head. Howard said that's what he tells his mom.
Howard asked Bryce about the guy she married and asked if she waited until she married him. She said that she was 3 months pregnant 7 days after she got married so that should answer the question. She said she didn't know she was pregnant until after she was already married.
Howard asked Bryce about working with Christian Bale in Terminator and some of the other good looking guys. Howard asked if she wanted to have sex with Paul Giamatti. She said he's actually irresistible. Howard said he worked with him and had sex with him too.
Howard asked Bryce about Christian Bale's tirade. She said it was an intense scene and they were intentionally riling themselves up for the scene too so a lot of people didn't get it in that context.
Bryce said she got the call to do the movie and she was surprised she got the call. She said she still has to go out and audition sometimes and she doesn't mind doing that at all.
Howard asked Bryce if she can negotiate her price. She said she was a last minute addition so she was set on the price for that one. She said it was the fastest negotiation that she's ever been a part of.
Howard asked Bryce if she would do a spread for Maxim magazine or is that too much. Bryce said she doesn't think Maxim readers would be interested in her. Howard said he can see her in an outfit with her hand over her breasts or something. Artie said she'd be great for that magazine.
Bryce told Howard she had a baby and she got insane stretch marks so she wouldn't ever wear a bikini. She said she was never a bikini person though.
Howard asked Bryce if she ever thinks about making love to another man. Bryce said her brain doesn't go there. She said her husband is incredible and she broke into hives the first time she saw him. She said it was the first time she saw him, not nude, that she broke into hives. Howard asked if it was tough for her to have sex for the first time. She said that she went home and wrote in her journal that she was going to marry him and she had to spend 8 months seducing him. She said he wasn't into her and she had to spend that 8 months just getting him to go out with her.
Howard asked what was up with that guy and why he didn't go out with her. She said he assumed some stuff about her and how she might be spoiled and she wouldn't go out with him.
Howard said he thinks that she's going to wonder the rest of her life what it's like to have sex with another man. Howard said she doesn't know that he's great in bed because she doesn't have anyone to compare him to.
Bryce said she doesn't drink and she's never had a drop of alcohol in her life. Howard said she's so well adjusted. She said she was actually a vegan until after her son was born and then she started to eat other stuff. She said she needed some blood in her system and she started to eat other foods.
Howard asked Bryce if she has any money from her family. She said that they paid for her college but she's financially independent from her parents. She doesn't have any trust fund or anything. Howard said her dad must be worth far north of $100 million. Howard said she's going to inherit the mother load. She said she actually sat her parents down and talked to them about it and asked for the photographs and memorabilia. She's not getting any money. Howard said he likes her. He said he would play it the same way.
Howard said he would play it the same way because now Ron is going to leave her everything. Howard told her she's a genius. Artie said he wouldn't have thought of doing it that way. He would have said he didn't want any of the pictures. He said he'd just want the money. Howard said he'd tell his father that he wanted pictures, 100 million pictures of George Washington.
Howard asked Bryce if she's done any drugs. Bryce said she never messed around with stuff like that. Howard asked if she would do a lesbian scene in a movie. She said she would if she believed in the circumstances.
Howard asked Bryce if she and her husband, Seth, would bring another woman into the bedroom. Bryce said she wouldn't do that. She said that would be complicated.
Howard said she must have done something wrong in her life. He said she must have jay walked or something. She said she actually went to school on Senior Cut Day. She said she was a weird person. Howard said it's not weird, it shows she had no reason to rebel and it shows she was probably loved by her family.
Howard asked Bryce if she's kind of naive sexually and asked if she watches porn. Bryce said her mother gave her a how-to videotape. She said it was from some kind of sex therapist and it was very technical and clinical. She was an adult around that time, maybe 20. She did watch that video and she guesses that she learned some stuff. Bryce said most of it is instinctual though.
Bryce said some of the stuff in the video made it look like she had to do a lot of wild moves and stuff. She said you'd have to be an Olympian to do some of the moves.
Howard asked Bryce about working with Joaquin Phoenix in ''The Village'' and if she was in love with him. She said he found him kind of dreamy but she wasn't in love with him. She was with her husband at the time.
Howard asked Bryce who her best friend is. She said that Natalie Portman is very close. She said Natalie actually set her up with her first kiss. Howard said that maybe Natalie and Bryce should try kissing sometime. Artie said that sounds like the greatest thing ever.
Howard asked Bryce what her brother does. She said she's living in South Carolina to be a pro golfer. She said he's really good. She has two other sisters as well. She said one of them is an actress and she was in Adventureland. Howard asked if she will feel weird if she eclipses her in acting. Bryce said she won't have a problem with it.
Howard gave Bryce some plugs for this new Terminator movie. Howard said it's so cool to be a part of a big franchise movie like that.
Bryce said she worked on the movie maybe 5 weeks or so. She said they shot it in Albuquerque, New Mexico. She said she was commuting between there and L.A.
Howard asked what she did with the kid. She said she has a nanny that's an old family friend of theirs. She said it's a total juggle but her son makes things easier for her because she can pick and choose what she wants to work on. Howard said Bryce is in the new ''Terminator Salvation'' movie. He gave her some plugs for that.
Howard also asked what's up with the ''Bryce Dallas'' name. She said that was her name in college so people wouldn't know who her family was. Howard asked if they really didn't know who she was. She wasn't able to say because Howard plunked down a call and the guy yelled out ''Baba Booey'' as soon as he was on.
The caller said that he doesn't usually go for fire crotch but this chick is hot. Another caller said he pleasured himself to her image in that movie she was naked in. Howard asked Bryce if she's complimented by that. She said no one has ever said that to her but it was kind of a compliment.
The caller asked if she offered third input. Howard said she's very naive and she doesn't even know what that is. Howard told her it was anal sex. She just said ''Ohh...'' She said it seems kind of unhygienic to her.
Howard told Bryce she was delightful and wished her luck with the movie. Bryce told Howard that his movie was great and she found it very moving. Howard thanked her for that and said that he told her dad that he thought he deserved an Academy Award for that and he just stared at him.
Howard read that Bryce didn't watch ''Happy Days'' until she was 20. She said her parents just never made her watch stuff that her dad was in. Howard said it's hard to avoid that though.
Artie asked Howard if he thinks Scott Baio would hit on Bryce if he met her. Howard said he doesn't think that she'd be into him. Artie said she might be too classy. Howard said he would respect Ron too much to do anything with her.
Howard asked Bryce who her friends are and who the most famous one is. Bryce said it's all relative and it changes from moment to moment. Bryce said she has worked with some amazing people like Lauren Bacall. She said her closest friend is actually living with her and her husband. Robin asked Howard if he heard that. Howard kind of missed that.
Howard said Bryce went on her honeymoon with her parents. Bryce said they were on a boat and she was nauseous so there wasn't much going on between her husband and her.
Another caller asked if she was wearing panties today. He was the same guy that asked about anal. Bryce said she was wearing a thong from The Gap. Howard said that's the juiciest thing she's said.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that it was nice to hear her following in her father's footsteps. She said she really likes that she's not like a Lindsay Lohan or anyone like that. Mariann said it's great that Ron raised his daughter like that.
Bryce said that she wanted to stay there because they were being so nice to her today. Howard asked if she shaves down there now that she's done with that movie. She said she actually waxes. She said she waxes because you get less and less hair. She said you become less of a hairy person. Howard said his wife shaves.
Howard wrapped up with Bryce and gave her some more plugs for ''Terminator Salvation.'' They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he digs Alanis. He got Mike Walker on the line to play his game. Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Artie said Adam told him that he thought the show was a perfect fit for him and he hugged him when he said that. Howard said he just doesn't have a relationship with the guy. Howard said he was on a flight with Adam one time and the guy didn't say a word to him.
Howard said if he was going to try and contact Adam he would tell him about what a bulldog lover he is and how this one is available. He said he'd let him know that he's not on the best of terms with him but it has nothing to do with the dog.
Howard asked for Steve Langford to come in but Shuli ended up coming in with the news preview. Shuli said Steve is on location at court for the High Pitch Eric court case. Shuli said Eric may end up being evicted in the next week or so.
Shuli said Captain Janks' benefit show is coming up but the judge is saying that the attorney that was volunteering for Janks has to stay on for one more case.
Artie said he's doing this benefit show for Janks up in Middletown and the guy who owns the club isn't giving the money to charity. He said that the money is coming from Artie Lange, not the club. He said he just had to make that clear.
Shuli said Gary's failed pitch is still making news. He said that there are two other regulars who will be throwing out a pitch. Rev. Bob Levy and Beetlejuice will be throwing out pitches at some games in Florida in June.
Shuli said they have a story about Underdog Lady, Suzanne Muldowney, trying to get in touch with the Catholic channel to get them to release Jesus balloons into the sky at the same time. Howard said he's not for that. He said he doesn't like them being released because they end up in the ocean and places like that.
Ralph called in and asked Shuli what's going on between him and Rev. Bob Levy. Shuli said Bob put together a ''Miserable Men'' show but none of the guys, other than Bob, are actually on Miserable Men. Shuli said that it was Bob, Jim Florentine and Rich Vos and only Bob is on Miserable Men.
Shuli said they did this Killers of Comedy tour with Bob and he ended up doing another one called the Ultra Killers of Comedy tour. He said it was kind of a kick in the ass for him. He said Bob admits he fucked up so now he's just doing his stuff on his own.
Howard said Shuli should put out a ''really miserable men'' show and see how Bob reacts to that. Shuli said he was thinking of doing a Bob Levy comedy tour without Bob.
Artie said Shuli can do an hour of material and he should be rewarded for being able to do that. Ralph said Bob should have pulled Shuli to the side and let him know why he couldn't bring him out. Howard said he really doesn't care that much about this.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran through his list of subjects for today's show. Howard said he heard that Jon and Jason were fighting this morning and Jon was upset that Jason didn't think he was fun. Jon said that was over simplified but that's kind of what it was about. He said he and Jason were talking about whether or not Bryce was fun because she didn't drink. Jason said he was just goofing on Jon about that stuff and Jon got really defensive.
Jon said that a lot of people drink and smoke and they're not happy. He said that drinking and smoking isn't the definition of fun.
Artie was choking on some toast that went down the wrong way. Howard told Jason to give him the squeeze of life. Artie told him if he touched him he'd kill him. Jason went over and adjusted his microphone instead.
Artie said he got the crumbs stuck in his throat and couldn't get them out. He said that was his way of saying he was done with the Jason and Jon argument. He left the studio to clear his throat.
Jon got back to his Wrap Up Show preview but Artie came back in and coughed again. Howard told him to go back out to the hall. Robin could still hear him out there.
Howard and Jon spent a short time talking about American Idol. They were talking about whether or not it had Jumped the Shark. Jon said he thinks it Jumped many years ago.
Howard had Mutt on the phone to give his Superfan Roundtable preview. Mutt said they're going to be talking about the Wack Packers and Captain Janks' case among other things. Mutt said they'll also talk about Eric the Midget's new nickname and Artie's new book title and Gary's pitch. Superfan Roundtable is on Thursday nights at 7pm.
Artie said Robin sits there trying to get her news together while those songs are playing. Robin said she stops listening after she hears something that offends her. That means she stops listening after a millisecond. Robin said the songs aren't that clever.
Robin started her news with a story about Larry King having a son that he's never acknowledged until now. He's known about this kid for 15 years and the kid's name is Larry King Jr. Howard said Larry has been married 8 times to 7 different women. Howard said the guy is wacky. The story about the kid is kind of confusing too. Robin said Larry didn't believe the kid was really his until the woman was dying of cancer. Howard said that's so weird to him.
Howard said he had High Pitch Eric on the phone to talk about his court case. Eric said they put the case off until August 24th. He asked if they had a game for him to play. Howard said he didn't have a game to play. Artie said he heard Eric was begging to get into a show at BB Kings the other night. Eric said he was trying to get in but he never got a call back.
Artie said there's this band JRad that was playing the other night and they're great. He said he heard Eric wanted to get in so he told the guy in the band that he wanted to announce them. He said the guy in the band said Eric said he would lug their equipment and help them out any way he could. Eric said he was willing to do whatever he could to get in there.
Howard asked Eric how long it's been since he paid rent. Eric said it has been a long time. He may get to stay in his apartment for a few more months if he gets assistance. Eric said he just sent a resume to Starbucks coffee. He's hoping to get a job. Howard told Eric to call back after vacation about the game thing.
Gary said he was reading about Larry King in an article and they pointed out that Larry was making up stories in his book. He told a story about betting on a horse in 1970 and the paper found that the horse wasn't alive in 1970 and he didn't bet on it because it didn't exist.
Howard wondered why people would go on Larry's show knowing about all of this stuff. Larry just makes stuff up and tells it like it's truth. The guys spent a few minutes talking about that stuff.
Artie said he heard a story about a writer that was in a meeting with Jerry Lewis. He said that Jerry claimed that he and Dean Martin had to get paid to do their shows even if they broke up. Jerry says that he gets a call from Bugsy Segal and he tells him to look at the paper the next day. The club owner who didn't pay him gets shot the next day. Artie said he heard this story and he asked the guy how it could be true if Bugsy had died in 1948 and this story was taking place in 1956. It turns out Jerry was probably lying about that whole story.
Robin read a story about the American Idol ratings and how it was the lowest rated one in the past 8 seasons. She had some audio clips of the winner talking about why he thinks he won. Robin also talked about some of the performances that were on the season finale. She had some audio clips but Howard wasn't able to get through some of them. Artie sounded sickened by the Queen performance.
Robin read a story about Marilyn Chambers being dead and said that they never did talk about it. Howard said she was actually the mom on the Ivory Soap box and they had to take her off when she became a porno star. Robin said they're saying she died of natural causes at the age of 56. Howard said he thought that she was still doing some movies recently. He said they were soft core porn but maybe it wasn't her. They spent a little time talking about Marilyn and the movies she was in. Artie said it makes him kind of sad thinking that she was that old.
Howard said he feels old when he sees Jane Fonda and people like that. He said he would be more upset if he heard that Savanna Samson had died.
Robin said this John Mayer is on this Twitter thing and he was posting about how he hates these jealous guys who think that they could have dated these girls that he's dating. Howard said he's like that himself. He used to get angry thinking about some of these guys who date hot chicks.
Robin read a story about a big mogul summit with some billionaires. Robin wondered why Howard wasn't there. Howard said he's not a billionaire. Robin said they were talking about their favorite causes and which of them needed help during these tough times.
Robin read some news about the guy who accused Bruce Springsteen of stealing his wife away from him.
Robin read some news about Natalie Cole getting a new kidney. She had some news about Phil Mickelson's 37 year old wife being diagnosed with breast cancer. Robin said that this is the time of year you should be thinking about sun block because of skin cancer. That led to Howard asking if black people are better in the sun than whites because they have that extra protection. Robin said they do have a little extra protection but it's still a problem.
Howard said he wears a big, ugly, feminine had when he's out on the beach. He said he hates taking his shirt off too because he has a bit of a belly. He said he calls it his ''melanoma belly'' and tells people that's why he won't take his shirt off.
Robin read a story about the FBI foiling a terrorist plot. She said it was like an episode of ''24.'' Robin said they went to an undercover operative and tried to buy munitions and bombs. Howard said they planned on taking out some temples and taking a plane down with a surface to air missile. Robin said the terrorists were arrested on the scene and never put anyone in danger.
Robin read some news about how vacations can stop heart disease and depression. She had some audio clips of a doctor talking about that.
She also had some news about the new Terminator movie. She had some audio of Christian Bale talking about the movie.
Robin said that Ted Kennedy should be returning to office soon. That led to Howard, Fred and Artie doing their Kennedy impressions a little bit. Howard got on his megaphone and did his ''Era'' impression for a few minutes.
Robin had a story about people peeing in pools and stuff and that led to the guys talking about peeing in pools themselves. Robin said the water that looks so inviting could be a health hazard. Robin said 1 in 5 people have admitted to peeing in a pool at some point.
Robin read a story about how they're thinking about banning texting and driving. Howard said of course they should ban that. Howard said he's seen guys reading the newspaper in traffic. He said that should be illegal too.
Robin read about a couple that died while having sex in a car. They had died of carbon monoxide poisoning. It was a 26 year old and a 17 year old. Artie asked Howard if he considers that rape when it's a 17 year old. Howard said it is rape and a girl shouldn't be with an older guy until she's 18 at least.
Robin read a story about a Mets fan that got her arm caught in a toilet when her gold tooth fell out and she tried to get it back. Robin said it wasn't known how long she was stuck. They were unable to free her so they had to bring in a plumber to get her out.
Robin read a story about people going out to grill this weekend. She asked Howard what happened to his love of grilling. Howard said he lost it. He said he got into chess instead. Howard said the grilling became too much work. He said he started grilling for the whole family and wondered what the fuck he was doing. Howard said he had to buy the food, set up the grill, grill for everyone and then he had to grill while everyone was eating. He realized he wasn't having any fun doing it.
Howard said Ralph would come over and bust his balls asking for lunch. He said Ralph would give him a hard time about how it was cooked so he'd tell him to get the fuck out of there. Howard said it was that kind of attitude that he got sick of. Howard said he had to start preparing his food at like 9:30 in the morning and it just got to be too much.
Robin had some audio of a guy, Dr. Barbecue, talking about the most common mistakes you make when using the grill. Howard said it was turning into work and this guy is right. Howard told Gary that he has to stick with the Techno Beaver name because it's a catchy name like Dr. Barbecue. Gary said he has no problem to be that but the people at channel 11 haven't responded to him. Howard said he should just show up.
Gary said he might have to find another channel to go to because he started out as Gary over there. Ralph called in and said that Gary could just do it. Gary said he hasn't gotten a call from them lately.
Ralph said it was a pain in the ass when Howard was cooking because he didn't cook it that great. He said Howard was always asking if the food was great and it was just okay. Howard said that's why he won't invite him over anymore.
Howard said Ralph doesn't clean up after himself either. Ralph said he does too. Artie said Ralph left a cigar on the counter one time at Howard's house. Ralph said he didn't do that. Artie and Howard both said it was Ralph who did that.
Robin ended her news and Howard ended the show a short time later, right around 10:50am.
JD said he thought a tux had a black bow tie and looked a certain way. He said he didn't know exactly what one was. JD said he didn't know about the cumber bun thing. Gary said he doesn't know the difference exactly but he can tell the two apart.
Gary asked JD where he's heard of people renting a suit. JD said he doesn't know because he doesn't wear that kind of stuff.
Benjy asked JD some questions about the tux and said that a lot of modern tux's don't look like what you'd expect.
Jon asked JD if he was confused more because it was Beth asking him the questions. JD said he doesn't have a problem talking to her. He said that had nothing to do with it. He was just confused about the tux and suit thing. He said he learns something new every day.
Jon played some audio of JD trying to explain himself during that conversation during the show. After the clip Jon said that Artie was saying that he'd like to have him work for him. JD said he hopes to make good contacts and work with people he likes so he'd like that.
Gary said he thought JD wanted to work more in TV. JD said he would like to make movies. He said he doesn't want Howard thinking he can't get a job if he retires or leaves SIRIUS.
JD said he's not sure if he's going to have anything to do with the DVD Artie is shooting. Jon said Howard is concerned about what everyone is going to do when he leaves. Gary said that they'll all weigh on him but at the end of the day Howard is going to do what he wants to do.
Jon asked JD why he won't move to Manhattan or Hoboken. JD said he doesn't want to go into work on the PATH train because it doesn't have a great schedule. JD said he doesn't like change either. JD said being on the train isn't that great but he does like being out of the way of things out where he lives. He said their apartment is the only one in the building other than the businesses that are there.
JD was also saying he didn't want to live with people who would report on what he's up to all the time. Jason said he and Will lived together for years and they didn't report on each other.
Jason said the place JD could have gone to was in a really nice area of Hoboken and it had a great back yard and he turned it down. JD said he never even went to look at it so he wouldn't know that. Gary told him that's even more insane. Gary asked what was negative about that. JD said he didn't know. Jason told him that Hoboken is a great town and there are a lot of college girls there.
Jon asked JD what other reasons he has for not wanting to move. JD said he just doesn't like change. Gary asked JD how he handled the move to the new location for work. JD said it wasn't that much of a change. He said the change was fine and he got a new office and he likes that.
Jason said he and Will lived together and they both went to bed around the same time so that was great. He said that's what's nice about living together with someone who works on the show.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she wanted to say that it's not that it is possible to rent a suit from a shop. She said that her husband does that sometimes. Gary said you can't rent a suit everywhere though. Gary asked JD where he got his tux from. JD said his father set it up so he didn't know where it was.
Ralph called in and told the guys what the difference was between a suit and a tux. He said that traditionally it has one button and a stripe down the side and it's a bit sharper.
Ralph also said that it's smart of JD not to move to Hoboken because it's like a bunch of drunken college students. He said there's no where to park and he should just move to Jersey City because it's cheaper. Ralph said he can't figure JD out and he's not sure why they even try. JD thanked him for backing him up.
Jason said it would be night and day commuting from Hoboken if he moved there. He said it could change his life. Gary said he had some offers to move in with Steve Brandano and some other guy from the tapes team. Jason said he could have had a really nice place if he had moved out there.
Jon said the area JD lives in isn't that bad of an area. He said he wouldn't live there himself but it's really not that bad.
Another caller said he wanted to pile on with JD. He said he's got so many things against him. He said he thinks that JD is going to stick around until the show ends and he's not going to do that. Gary said JD would probably leave if a job fell in his lap but he's not the kind of guy who is going to go out and find something. He said he's not that pro active kind of guy. Jason was laughing at him so JD told him to shut up.
Another caller said JD is like a child and it's no wonder Howard can't leave his job. He said he's never going to go out and be a director because he's a loser. JD didn't have response for that other than ''Okay.''
Jason told the caller that JD is great at his job and they actually hired him from an internship to do the job he does. He said that JD just doesn't know a good living condition when he's told about it.
Gary asked JD if he pitched the video idea to Artie or did Artie ask him to do it. JD said it was his and Teddy's idea to do the videos for Artie. He said they pitched it to Artie and he liked the idea.
Another caller asked JD if he would live with Jared if he only had to pay like $200 a month. JD said he's not sure. He said he'd have to think about that. He said it's not an easy answer for him.
Another caller stuck up for JD saying that if he didn't want to move then just leave him alone. Jon asked JD if he's happy where he's at. JD said he's okay there. He said it's not the greatest situation but he's okay. Gary said it seems that a great situation would be too much work for him. JD said it might not be that great of a situation for him and he's not sure it would be.
Gary said that most of them like to live as close as they can to where they work. Jason said that it is a big hassle to move but once he got into the city he was much happier when he did move. Jason said JD should try new situations.
Benjy asked JD if he would move into the city with his current roommate if he moved into the city. JD said he would do that. He said he's known the guy for a really long time and he's lived with him that long. Gary asked JD if he knows anything about the guy. JD didn't even know the guy's birthday and he's lived with him for 8 years. JD said he thinks it's in October.
A caller asked what kind of hours JD works because it sounds like he's working 12 hours a day. JD said on Friday he works normal hours. He said he can change it on Friday since they're off.
Gary said he spends a lot of time on his computer at home himself. He said he's off on Fridays but he's never far from his computer. Jason said that some of them are there on Friday but not Gary. Gary said he's never far from the computer at home though.
Sal said he knew that he was going to get a beating. He said he knows that he gave Robin a beating the other day but that wasn't his intent. Sal said he's the only one who gets shit when he gives good advice. Gary said it wasn't good advice.
Gary said he doesn't have the ability to recognize that the took 10 minutes to talk about how Robin is fucking up the show. Sal said he wasn't saying that she was fucking up the show. He said he just advised her to slow down and know her place.
Sal said he's not going to express his opinions on the show anymore. Gary asked him if he was surprised that Robin stopped him in the hall. Sal said he was just giving her tough love but he did lose some sleep the night he said that stuff. Sal said he doesn't have any ill will toward her.
Jon asked Sal what Robin said to him in the hallway. Sal said he said hello to her and Robin asked if she could say hello or if that would be talking too much. Sal said he asked what she was talking about. Sal said Robin then went off on him about what he said about her and he tried to explain to her what he was saying. Sal said she told him ''Fuck you!'' and then threatened to throw a cup of her green juice in his face when he started walking toward her.
Gary said that Sal is the guy who says he's not going to say he loves someone and then bash them but that's exactly what he did to Robin. Gary said when you get in a conversation with Sal you get very confused and he sees why he was such a good stockbroker.
Sal said he's sorry Robin took offense to what he was saying but he meant it. He said he didn't mean it in a bad way, he was just trying to give her some friendly advice.
Sal said something about ''A wise man learns from a fool but a fool learns from no one.'' The guys didn't understand that. Sal tried to explain it to the guys. Sal said he's the fool in that line.
Sal said he's done critiquing people on the show. Gary said that's not true. He's not believing that Sal is going to stop that at all.
Ronnie called in as a fake caller, Jack, and Sal recognized him immediately. Ronnie said that Sal does this all the time and he causes trouble all the time and then sulks like a little baby. Ronnie said he's a little friggin' baby and he should go lock himself in his room there.
Sal said Ronnie's point is useless. Ronnie asked who he is to express himself about Robin. Ronnie said that he's there to write bits and not go off on Robin. He told Sal he's a stupid asshole.
Gary said he had the correct quote about the wise man and the fool and Sal wasn't even close. The actual quote was ''The wise man learns more from the fool than the fool learns from the wise man.'' (Marcus Aurelius) Sal thought it was close enough.
Ronnie and Sal went back and forth arguing about that stuff. Ronnie said Sal walks around sulking around there all the time after this stuff. He said Sal has to mind his own business there. He said if Howard doesn't want Robin talking so much, he would tell her. He said Sal has no business telling her that kind of stuff.
Gary said he heard that Richard and Sal are on some kind of strike and they're not coming on the show to do stuff lately. Sal said that has nothing to do with him. He said he doesn't want to talk about it but that's someone else's thing. He said they're not on strike or anything though.
Ronnie told him to stay in his office until after 11. He said Richard is another one who doesn't talk to anyone there. Sal said he hasn't said a thing to Richard and he's making up lies because he's a delusional asshole.
Will came in so Jon asked him what Sal was talking about. Will didn't know. Gary told him what they were talking about and Will said it's definitely true that Richard is on strike. He won't come in the office anymore. Will said they used to bring in bits and stuff and Richard got mad at him for going off on them one day and he won't interact with him at all anymore. Will said he thinks that Richard is sick of people blowing off their jokes and bit ideas so they've just stopped.
Gary said he noticed that Richard doesn't even come in his office anymore. He said he just instant messages him instead. He said that actually works out better.
Jon asked Sal if he's laying back too. Sal said they do break their ass and they get brow beaten and they just stop doing that stuff. He said that they just do their work to make Howard happy and don't do anything else. Sal said that he'll go into the studio when there's a fuck up but that's it.
Sal said he still goes to Will with stuff because he's able to shake that stuff off. Richard might not be able to get over it so easy.
Jon asked Sal about Howard going off on him today about his screw up with the Big Foot game. Gary said he tried to show Sal how it should have been done but he was so worked up he wasn't able to get it through to him. Gary said he had to kick Sal out of his office.
Sal said he didn't say that Howard fucked it up either. He said he went over it with Howard and he should have known how it worked. Sal said he and Gary went over it and he thought it was all worked out. He said it bothers him because he thought that it was going to work fine.
Sal said he quadruple checked the game and he knew it was going to work right. He said he was disappointed when it didn't work right.
Jon asked Sal if he's okay. Sal said he's really not. He said he's on medication and he's got a lot of problems. He said he's seeing a therapist now and that's making him realize a lot of things so he's just not in a good place.
Sal said that getting knocked down for screwing up the games is rough. Gary asked him what else is going on that's bothering him so much. Sal said he thinks it's a combo of everything and he's been reflecting on a lot of it. He said he gets called stupid all the time and it gets to you after a while. Sal said he's dealing with it the best way he can.
Sal said there are a lot of issues there and he just gets overwhelmed. He said he strives to do his best and it's tough.
Gary said the whole Tradio series is great and they seem to be on a high. Sal said that's good but he's afraid they're going to get on a high and then fall fast. Sal said he gets disappointed when he screws up and that's why he's so upset.
Robin showed up and asked why this is still going on. Gary said they were asking him why he was doing what he did and why he didn't know that stuff about Robin was going to come back and bite her. Robin said Sal could just say that he doesn't understand.
Jon asked Robin if she took Sal's advice to heart. Robin said she won't take any of Sal's advice to heart. Robin said when Sal attacks her it's like he's attacking all women. Robin said Sal was telling her to know her place and she's not sure where that is. Sal said that place is in Arizona this weekend. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon said that Sal loves to bash people but when it happens to him he crumbles. Sal said he knows that and brings it up with his therapist. Sal said he's not looking for the abuse to stop but it does affect him.
Sal said Robin coming in made him feel better. He said he knows he has issues with women, or one woman ''W.I.F.E.'' Sal said this therapist is helping him out with his marriage and it's making him realize a lot of stuff.
Sal said he regrets saying what he said about Robin but he doesn't want to filter himself on the show. He said it sucks when it comes down to what it does on the show. They had to end the show a short time later.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 11:45am.
Howard started off the show doing his lame morning DJ impression. He went on to talk about the show they had coming up and how they had Lorenzo Lamas calling in and his wife coming in to talk about her Playboy layout. They spent a short time talking about her and her mother. Howard also talked about Lorenzo and how he wouldn't mind looking like him.
Howard said Fred had a nice beginning to the show. He said someone suggested playing the beginning of the show during the show sometime. Fred said they'll have to try that sometime. Howard said he'd like to do that.
Howard said he was reading the NY Times the other day and he just can't get through it. He said he ordered it but he just can't sit and read the whole thing. He was looking at it and they were talking about computers and how you can control them with spoken commands and other ways. They're now saying that you can control a computer with your thoughts.
Howard read the article about how people can spell out words with their mind with this special computer. The article said that you can control a joystick like device and other things with your mind. Robin said that sounded fascinated. Howard said by the year 2000 they'll be faxing the dead at the rate things are going.
Howard said he thinks that stuff is something else. He figures they'll be able to perfect it in 20 years or so. Howard said he'd love to be able to think up stuff and just have it show up on the computer. He said he can imagine his wife seeing what he's thinking by looking at a computer screen. He figures she's going to read about him telling Jessica Hahn to wrap her legs around him.
Howard read about Letterman wanting to stay there and his reasons for doing that. Howard said that guy has a lot of theories about doing his show. He read about how CBS is looking for a location for Letterman to go to when he does leave NBC.
Howard said he might need an audience of his own. He said he's always found them to be a pain in the ass though. Howard said they were going to try that at channel 9 but he put a stop to it. Howard said they did that at FOX and it didn't work. Howard said they get bored between segments. He said people would complain about the downtime.
Howard talked about what a show it was over there at FOX when they shot the pilots. Howard said they had no show business glamour over there at all. He talked about how they had no continuity over there or anything. Howard said he would beg them to start rolling tape after a half hour of downtime.
Howard and Robin talked about how crazy things would get over there. They had Jackie sitting under the desk because they had no where else for him to sit. Howard said he had to yell at the director, Peter Callabrese, all the time and he would look really miserable on camera.
Howard said they had Leslie West as the band leader and that was wild too. They had Steve Rossi there too and he just stood there and said nothing in the five shows they shot. Jackie said that was hysterical. They talked about how he wasn't able to read through his lines on the show so they just had him stand there.
Howard talked about how there was a lot of warring going on in the audience there. That's why he doesn't want an audience on his show now. He said the camera is his audience.
Howard said Dave is really concerned with his audience. He thinks that his show could be just as good if he didn't have an audience at all.
Howard mentioned that Lorenzo Lamas was going to be calling in while his wife was in studio too. Howard said they can hang up on him if he doesn't like the way things are going.
Howard took some phone calls after that. The first caller told him to move on to someone else. Howard did that. The next guy brought up the Greaseman and what a jerk he is. Howard said he has no control over who they hire there. He said he finds the practice of that company hiring people who he beats in the ratings to be kind of crazy. He doesn't understand that.
Howard said he developed the syndication deal and it makes him sick that other people jump in on that stuff. Howard said he doesn't like that this guy Doug Tracht, the Greaseman, never tried to put together anything like that and then he gets interviewed in the paper and claims he's never heard of Howard Stern when they put him on his network. Howard said all of these guys claim they're the ones who created this stuff. The caller said the guy did credit him with being a trailblazer.
Howard said the guy is always putting him down and he's really nothing. Howard said no one can do what he did in the ratings.
Howard said he was going to take a call from Dallas. Robin said they should have a lot to talk about because there were riots down there the night before. Robin said they were supposed to be welcoming the Cowboys back and they ended up rioting.
Robin read the article about the riots and gave Howard some of the details. She read that there were black kids jumping on white people. Howard said it sounds like things could get really bad out there. He tried to take another call from Dallas but no one was on the line. He figured out that they're an hour delayed there so they weren't even hearing the show yet.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked ''what's up'' which is the wrong thing to do. Howard read the rules off to the guy and gave him some suggestions for him. The caller said he wanted to hear the KKK guy since they were talking about the race wars down in Dallas. Howard ended up hanging up on the guy.
Robin read some more details about the riots down in Dallas. Howard asked the next caller what was going on down there in Dallas. The guy said he was down there and there weren't enough cops. He said 35 percent of the kids in school were out for day down there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to wish Robin a Happy Valentine's Day. Howard said he wanted the comments directed at him. The guy went on to say that he saw a channel 11 news story about David Dinkens and how much he was sweating.
Another caller said she loved the Butt Bongo Fiesta videotape. Howard said they had fun doing that tape. The woman also said some people put her down for listening to Howard and she doesn't understand that. Howard said those people all listen too and they just lie about it. The woman said the other guys she used to listen to have nothing on Howard.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he saw a record of Howard called ''50 Ways to Insult Your Mother.'' Howard said that album was awful. He said the guy shouldn't even buy it because it's so bad. Howard said he wanted to put out some of his bits on a disk but the guy he was working for told him ''no.'' Howard said he tried to recreate some of his bits but it's just something that didn't work. He said he's not proud of that album. It didn't capture the spirit of what they were all about back then. Howard had to hang up on that guy too because he had his radio on. He had to go to break after that.
Howard had the final ballot for the American Comedy Awards. He said he got a copy to mail back. Howard read that it was supposed to be sent back by the 8th and it was the 10th. Howard said his agent sent that over to him late, not Gary.
Howard read the list of actresses who were nominated and had something to say about each of them. Howard said he didn't like any of the women. He said he won't vote for any of them. Then he read the list of guys in the actor category and didn't seem to like many of them. Howard said he might vote for Garry Shandling or Jerry Seinfeld.
Howard read that Elaine Boosler was nominated for a special she did. Howard said she's the worst. Howard said she's been in comedy forever and she claims that she's never found a show worthy of doing. Howard said Whoopi Goldberg isn't funny like that either. Bette Midler was nominated too so Howard went off on her. He didn't like any of the nominees in that category either. Howard said there isn't one funny person in there.
Howard read through another category and said he'd have to vote for George Carlin or Dana Carvey. Howard said he can't believe he's not nominated for an award for being on the Tonight Show but Bette Midler was. Howard said that's crazy.
Howard read through some more categories and picked them all apart. He said it went on and on. He said he wasn't nominated for anything.
The caller sang a couple of songs and Howard said he was going to be very honest with him. Jackie told him to let the guy sing a few different types of music. Howard said he could only take so much of that.
Howard told the guy he was horrible. He said he was being dead serious too. Howard said he can sing about as good as he can. Howard said this guy isn't going to be a big star and he's not going to pass him off to a record company.
Howard asked the guy if he's ever been paid to sing. The guy was listening to himself on the radio. The guy said he's in his guard shack so Howard told him to be the best guard he can and maybe he'll be a cop some day. The caller said he's looking to be a singer. Howard told him to practice saying ''would you like fries with that Big Mac?'' The guy did it and Howard told him he sounded good doing that.
Howard told the guy that he will never be a singer. He said that he's going to chase that dream for 10 years and he will never make it anywhere. Howard said he's wasting his time and maybe he should start his own guard company or something like that.
Howard told the guy to become a singing cop or something. The caller said he wanted to sing one more song for him. Howard said maybe he should change his mind just to fool the guy. Howard told the guy that was pretty good after he sang again. Howard told him to stay in music. Howard was just jerking the guy around. Howard said he had the number for an agent that he could call. He gave out Jackie's joke line at 516-922-WINE (9463) and told him the guy's name is Peter Groper.
Howard told the guy he was a good singer and wished him luck with his career. The guy said he can sing just as good as anyone out there. Howard said black people laugh at that guy as he was hanging up on him. Howard said he was going to give him the name Bill Collector or Peter Groper.
Howard said he and Harold were going to work on a movie together but things kind of fell apart. Harold said he had a good idea for the movie. Howard said he was thinking about some of his great movies but then he thought about Club Paradise and how bad that was. Howard also mentioned Caddyshack 2 and how bad that turned out. Harold said that was partially due to Rodney backing out of doing that one.
Howard said that J.F. Lawton is working on Fartman now. Harold said he went through the Fartman stage already. Howard said it's not all about farts, it's a love story. Howard was going to get into that but he ended up talking about the Groundhog Day movie instead.
Howard said he thought the movie was great but the ads for it were just bad. Howard said he thought the commercials made it look like Caddyshack 2 or something.
Howard asked Harold about the movie and how they made it very interesting even though you'd think they'd do the same things over and over again. Howard said they had to go to break but they'd come back and talk to Harold some more.
Howard said he met Bill Murray one time and he was really taken with himself. Howard said he's not sure what he'd do without Harold Ramis. Howard told him to say that he was a pain in the ass. Harold said he was but he was great too. Howard asked Harold if Chevy Chase is a pain in the ass too. Harold said he's not.
Howard asked Harold if it's hard to act. Harold said it's really not. He said that's just a hobby of his. Harold said it's not that hard to do a movie because you do things in 5 second shots so you don't need to memorize the whole script. Howard said he doesn't want to memorize things so he's happy to hear that.
Howard said he had to tell Harold how great the movie was. He said he and Robin were talking about how great it was after they saw it. Harold said he had a tough time convincing Bill Murray that it was good.
Howard said he met Bill Murray at NBC one time and he caught a vibe that he didn't like him with the long hair and all. Harold said he's really not judgmental.
Howard said he didn't think Harold even had to be there today to promote the movie because it has such a good vibe. Harold said he was getting that vibe from the show. He said he listens every day. Howard asked Harold how much he's worth. Harold wasn't saying.
After an edited out break Gary came in and told Howard that Mrs. Lorenzo Lamas was there. Howard said he still had Harold there. Howard said he would get to her when he was done with Harold.
Howard asked Harold when he wrote Animal House. Harold said he was around 32 years old or so. He said he used to do some Second City stuff too. Howard and Robin threw out a bunch of questions for Bill and asked him about who he works with and who represents him and stuff.
Howard told Harold that his movie is going to gross like $150 million. He told him to just wait and see how that goes.
Howard asked Harold about his marriages. Harold said he was married for 18 years the first time. They talked about how that went and how Harold had met her. They also talked about Harold's high school years and things like that.
Howard asked Bill about how he got started in the business and talked about getting involved with Animal House. Harold told Howard a couple of details about that. Howard said that women must have come on to him after that movie. Harold said he had some coming on to him before that.
Howard said he didn't like the name of the new movie ''Groundhog Day'' but it's very unique and a good idea. He said the guy wakes up and the same day keeps happening over and over again. Howard said the guy almost becomes a Superman because of it. Howard said he loved it and Andie MacDowell looked really good in it.
Howard said that everyone should go out and see this movie. Howard said even Chris Elliot was good in the movie and he can't stand that guy.
Howard asked Harold where he met his new wife. Harold said she worked on the movie ''Club Paradise.'' He didn't want to give Howard all of the details but Howard dragged them out of him. Harold said he needed an assistant and she worked for him for a year before he figured he should be with her. Howard said that sounds like a good job. He said his assistant is Gary so he won't be trying to get him. Howard wrapped up with Harold and said he had to take a break.
Howard told Gary to bring Kathleen in. He said Lorenzo seems to pick up and dump a lot of chicks. Robin said he did that a couple of times but now he's found her.
Howard said Kathleen looks like her mother Abby Dalton. Howard said he likes the movies she does where she kicks ass. He asked her if she can really do that stuff. She said she can. Howard said he'd wrestle her naked if she wanted.
Kathleen said that Lorenzo had some knee surgery so he wasn't able to come in this morning. She said that he screwed up his knee doing karate so he had to have a ligament transplant. She said they use the ligament of a black woman in there.
Howard asked Kathleen about the Playboy picture. She said it was just the one picture but she was in that month's Playboy. Howard asked if she had implants. She claimed they were real. She also said that she's 125 pounds and 5'11'' tall. Howard said that's very thin. He asked if she was wearing panties. She said she was and she likes to wear comfortable stuff so they're regular panties that are very thin. Howard was trying to get her to show them but that wasn't happening.
Howard told Kathleen that he had to take a break but he also had to get Lorenzo on the phone. Howard wanted to ask him about why he got married, had a kid and then got divorced. Kathleen said they could call him if they wanted.
Kathleen was actually in to promote their TV show ''Renegade'' and not the Playboy thing. Howard asked if he could get a hug from her. She said he definitely could.
After an edited out break Howard came back and asked Kathleen how old she was. He said she looked 23 but she was actually 28. Howard said that Lorenzo would divorce her if she got heavy. She said they can ask about that. She said his last wife got fat so maybe that's true.
Howard asked if they could call Lorenzo. She said he could. He was at home with his leg up in a sling healing from the surgery.
Howard told Kathleen that she should be with a guy like him. He said he wouldn't want to lose her and he would never divorce her. Howard told Kathleen what he would do to her in bed and things like that. Howard asked her how she knows Lorenzo isn't faking the surgery and he's actually out cheating on her. She said she knows that his leg is really screwed up.
Howard asked Kathleen about her TV show ''Renegade'' and what that's about. She gave Howard some of the details about the show.
Howard told Kathleen that she hasn't had a lot of different guys and he thinks she should try out some other guys like him. He asked if she found him attractive. She said she did but Howard knew she was full of it.
Howard called Lorenzo after Kathleen gave him the number. Lorenzo picked up and said he wasn't listening this morning. Howard told him that he had her pants off. Howard asked her to come over and hug him while he had Lorenzo on the phone. Howard got the hug and then asked if he could kiss her neck. She ended up banging her head on the console.
Howard said Lorenzo is always having trouble with women. Howard said he falls in and out of love in just seconds. Howard said he knows Lorenzo is going to dump her when she gets one little flaw. Lorenzo doesn't get why he would tell her that.
Lorenzo talked about his surgery and how that went. He said in 3 months he should be back to normal. Lorenzo talked about that a little bit.
Howard said Lorenzo falls in love with any hot woman he meets. Howard said he loses interest when the women get fat and he moves on. Howard said he keeps his wife around no matter what. Lorenzo said Kathleen is going to be his last marriage. He said he's been divorced 2 times already. He said he stays monogamous when he's married though. He thinks that this will be his last.
Howard asked Lorenzo if he tells the women in person or through a lawyer when he divorces. Lorenzo said he does it in person.
Howard said you can't leave a woman while they're pregnant. Lorenzo said he waits until after they have the kid. Lorenzo said that accidents do happen and he's learned from that.
Lorenzo said that his wife now is great and she fills him in on her plans about getting pregnant unlike some other people. Howard asked Kathleen if Lorenzo ever slaps her around. She said ''Oh god no'' when he asked that. Howard asked if she's ever been tied up. She said he hasn't done that either. Lorenzo said he would hate it if he tied her up.
Lorenzo said that he broke up when his wife was pregnant by 5 or 6 months. He said she ended up having a miscarriage. He said she was an older woman and there was a risk. He said she went ahead with the pregnancy even though he didn't think she should risk it so that caused the rift in their marriage and he had to leave.
Howard asked Lorenzo about his second wife who was his publicist. Lorenzo said that was another mistake. He said he fell in lust and made a bigger deal out of it than it should have been. She got pregnant almost immediately. He said he had two kids with her. Then he had another one. Lorenzo said he's a good dad though and he didn't turn into a deadbeat dad like some do.
Howard asked Kathleen if she would show her panties if Lorenzo said it was okay. She said she would. Lorenzo said no. He said that he has to pay for it like everyone else. She ended up showing him anyway. Howard told Lorenzo that he should karate chop her in the stomach if she gets pregnant.
Howard told Lorenzo that Kathleen has nice boobs with the C-cups. Lorenzo said he never knew that much information about his other wives.
Lorenzo told Howard that after his wife came home with the baby he realized it wasn't for him having the kids around. He said he told her that he had to get out and he'd like to get a Christmas card from them once in a while. Lorenzo said that those women fooled him and told him they had protection and then all of a sudden they showed up pregnant. He said that they lied to him.
Howard gave Lorenzo and Kathleen some plugs for their TV show ''Renegade'' and said that it's the number one syndicated show. Howard thanked them for doing the show today and wrapped up with them a short time later. He asked for a kiss from Kathleen. She went over and said he could kiss her anywhere and he could even grab her butt. Howard did that and said she seems to be pretty horny. Howard said he just grabbed her buttocks. She said he had nice hands but they were a little sweaty. Howard wrapped up and let her go after that.
Jackie was saying that they're going to have to hold onto the tape from today's show and play it back when they do get divorced. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Fred wasn't in the studio while they were talking about him so when he came back Howard told him what they were saying. He asked Fred why he didn't say anything to Lorenzo while he was on the phone. Fred said next time he will.
Robin got to her news and read about the AIDS ban being lifted by President Clinton. Howard and Robin spent a little time talking about that. Howard said he's worried about AIDS becoming airborne eventually and he's not sure why President Clinton is doing that.
Robin read a story about the chancellor of the New York City Schools possibly being denied another term. Robin said they've had 5 different ones in the past 10 years and the schools can't be doing well under that kind of instability. Howard gave his thoughts on that and said he thinks that parents have to raise their kids and the school's chancellor shouldn't matter. That led to Howard talking about growing up in Roosevelt and how he feels like Tarzan growing up the way he did.
Howard said he knew that there were kids in Roosevelt that had a future and they were shipped off to another school outside of Roosevelt. Howard said he wasn't able to get transferred out like those kids. He said he had his pants stolen from him one time. Howard said the point he was making was that the neighborhood he lives in now has parents bothering the schools every day. He said he doesn't have to worry because they're down there every day. He said even his wife is down there.
Howard said the next school chancellor shouldn't even bother doing anything because it's not going to help. He went on to tell the story about having his pants stolen and how that went for him. Howard said it wasn't even a school, it was more like a hang out. They had to go to break after that rant.
After the break, around 6:05pm, Howard came back and talked about how the guys they compete against up in Albany are holding a funeral for them. Howard said he can't wait for them to show up to New York City and try that. Howard said he was reading that they were already up to number 5 in the Albany market and they've only been up there for 2 months. Howard said he thinks that's a victory already. They must be getting nervous up there. Howard said those guys can hold as many funerals as they want to up there. He said it can only help them.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. Robin read about the riots down in Dallas that were going on after they held a parade for the Dallas Cowboys. Howard asked where the parents are for these kids. Robin said the kids should be in school. Howard said the parents don't care where their kids are, that's what he's trying to explain.
Robin said they were saying that this stuff could have been gang related. That led to them talking about the Jenny Jones show and some of the guests she's had on lately. Howard said they had some black women on there who were screaming and not making any sense and Jenny didn't bother asking what it was they said, she just let it go on. Howard said he doesn't know what's going on there.
Robin read a story about a man who shot up a hospital in Los Angeles. The guy had AIDS and was trying to get some pain meds when he shot it up. Robin said that kind of thing can drive people over the edge when the economy is doing poorly like it is.
Robin read about David Letterman talking about staying in New York when he moves from NBC to CBS. Robin said they're looking at properties there in the City for Dave. Howard said they should just go in and tape the show. He said going out to Los Angeles would be fine too. He said that's where all of the guests are anyway.
Howard said Dave is going to miss that 12:30 time slot. He said that being up against the Love Phone is different than being up against the Tonight Show. Howard said he might not be so smug when he's on at 11:30. Howard said Dave may have to fix his teeth too. He's not going to be able to do the same show he was doing at 12:30.
Robin read a story about how the sex allegation probe into Woody Allen may have been held back. She said that they may have been told not to mess with Woody when they were going to investigate. Howard asked Woody (Wood Yi AKA Steve The Engineer) to come into the studio to talk about that. Wood Yi had some lines to read after Howard asked him a few things. Wood Yi joked about a loaded diaper being a turn on and joked about some other things. Wood Yi said he loves nudeness. Howard got a laugh out of that stuff.
Howard asked if there was a cover up in the investigation. Wood Yi would just tell jokes that Jackie was handing him. Howard asked what was going on with Sun Yee and he said that there's nothing better than molesting a little girl in the back of FAO Schwartz. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Wood Yi about the case. He had joke after joke from Jackie. He was joking about every answer.
Robin got back to her news and read about Joey Buttafuoco. She said that there were a couple of guys who came out saying that Joey had talked about having sex with Amy Fisher. The cops heard about it before the guys were going to go on a TV show and they were taken away to be questioned about it. Robin said they guys claimed that Joey had bragged about giving Amy her first orgasm and things like that.
Robin said they're having a homeless sweep in part of the city this week. They're going to be clearing them out of an area and will offer them a shelter to stay in. She read about one homeless guy who went nuts and had been seen doing all kinds of scary things but they didn't lock him up. They released him even though he had pushed a girl in front of a bus.
Robin read a story about Corey Haim turning 21 and having been in and out of drug rehabs. He just got into trouble again for target shooting behind his manager's house. His manager claims he was threatening him and not target shooting.
Robin read about a movie that's in the works to remake The Magnificent 7 with Eddie Murphy starring. She said there was a story about him wanting to shave his head for the role. Howard said he wouldn't have to do that, that's insane. Howard said there's no reason for him to be bald for that part.
Robin read a story about this guy who was known as Uncle Ed. The guy was paying teenage boys for their underwear and sex. Howard said that guy made a fortune doing that. Howard said he never really hurt anyone, he just watched kids going to the bathroom. Robin said that the kids were hurt by having that done. Robin said the guy is dying of AIDS in jail now and he wants to get out to get treatment.
Robin read some news about Jeffrey Dahmer as well. She read about some of the details he's given out about the guys he used to pick up. She said he's taking all of the responsibility for what he did and didn't blame any of it on the porn he used to watch.
Robin read a story about a young couple that was having sex on a dance floor. She said they were doing that on a dance floor near a DJ booth. About 100 other people watched as they were doing it. A cop came up and interrupted them.
Robin read about an Andy Griffith show reunion that was going to be on that night. Robin read the names of the actors and actresses that were going to be in the special. They had a bunch of the original cast coming back.
Robin read about Oprah Winfrey interviewing Michael Jackson that night. Robin said she claims that she's going to ask him all the questions people want to know. Howard asked if that was going to be live. Robin wasn't sure about that.
Robin said that Eddie Murphy was going to be the host of this week's Friday Night Videos. She also read that there's a warrant out for the arrest of Howard Rollins, an actor from the TV show ''In the Heat of the Night.''
Robin read a couple of other stories before wrapping up her news. She had some TV show previews and things like that. Howard ended the show a short time later.