|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard was going to have Marge apologize to some black people on the phone but Marge was going nuts yelling out racial comments about them and about Asian people among others. Howard asked her to make her apology and Marge went on to talk about some of the blacks that she actually does like. She named a few entertainers that she likes and then threw out the N-word about them.
From 11/28/05: Howard told Jim that he'll be doing a Saturday Night Live segment but he's still trying to decide about which week to do it. He was thinking about doing the Alec Baldwin and Shakira week or the Jack Black and Neil Young week. Jim thought that working with Alec would be great but doing the same show as Neil Young would be cool. Howard was also saying that Jack Black has a problem with him and bad mouths him on other shows. He said he'd still do the show with him because he wants to do the more highly rated show.
Jack Black Apologizes To Howard. 12/02/05. 8:15am
After the break Howard mentioned that he read the article that Jeff Jarvis mentioned earlier. He also mentioned the Esquire magazine article. Artie said he read that and had never seen an article written that way and it was very impressive.
Howard went on to talk about his big media blitz and how he's trying to pick a week to do Saturday Night Live. His initial thought was to do the week with Jack Black and Neil Young but he knew that Jack had bad mouthed him on another show one time even though he was on his show and had a good time. Jack was on Love Lines a couple of nights after the interview he did and bad mouthed him and his movie.
Howard thought about doing the December 10th Saturday Night Live with Alec Baldwin but he's still not sure what to do. Gary called him last night and told him that Jack Black wanted to come in and apologize today but he wasn't sure he wanted to do that either because he won't know if he's being honest or not. Robin wondered how they can figure out if the guy is being truthful or not.
Jack Black came in a minute later so Howard gave him a plug for the ''King Kong'' movie that he's starring in and accepted an ''olive branch'' from him but it looked like marijuana to the guys in there. Jack then told Howard about the interview that they played and how it was actually a repeat. Howard said that's what he was thinking it might be but they still thought that it was live.
Jack said that he's an evil, back stabbing, two face and there he was. He's been listening to the show for 15 years and it makes him laugh really hard. He was praising Howard but Robin wanted him to hear the clip that they played yesterday. Howard played the audio clip where Jack and his partner in Tenacious D talked about how bad his movie ''Private Parts'' was. Jack said that he only said about 10 percent of the bad stuff, his partner, Cage, said the rest. He was just ''rolling with the poison'' and maybe he shouldn't have done that.
Jack said he hopes that Howard doesn't end his regular radio show by saying that Jack Black sucks or something like that. Howard said he thought they had a great interview the time he was on the show and thought that he was a fan so he doesn't have any bad feelings toward him. He accepted Jack's apology and thought that he was being sincere.
Howard then broke the news to him that he's not going to do the SNL show with him on the 17th, he's probably going to do the 10th with Alec Baldwin. Howard said he would have confronted him at SNL if he was going to do that week's show. He really wanted to meet Neil Young so he and Jack talked about how great he is. Jack talked about the all time great performers on his list and Neil Young is right up near the top of that list. Jack suggested that Howard do both weeks of SNL, a one-two punch and then out. Jack said he hasn't even been thinking about what he'll do over there at SNL. He's just going to show up and try to come up with a good opening monolog.
Howard asked Jack about the ''King Kong'' movie and how long it took to shoot. Jack said they were in New Zealand for about 8 months shooting the movie and it was great. He said he didn't want it to end because he was having so much fun. He said there was a lot of green screen shoots and someone pretending to be Kong during the shoot.
Howard figured that he was overreacting to that audio clip that they played where Jack and Cage were badmouthing him. He got really pissed yesterday when he heard it and now he's not sure why he was so upset. Howard started to wrap up and wished Jack luck with his next movie. Jack also wished Howard luck with the move to satellite. Howard said he feels bad about not doing Saturday Night Live with Jack. He was thinking about doing a King Kong thing with Gary as King Kong. That led to the guys talking about what they could do on SNL that night like go back stage and improv trying to get Tina Fey's top off.
Howard asked Jack if he's with his old girlfriend Laura. Jack said they broke up and he's dating a girl he went to high school with. He never got to date her back then but she now claims that she liked him back then. Howard asked Jack what it was like the first time he got into her pants. Jack told him it was none of his business. Gary came in and told Howard that Jack had to get going because he had other interviews to do. Howard went to commercial break a short time later.
Ronnie's Prank Goes Wrong, Howard Gets Pissed. 10/11/07. 9:15am
After the break we heard a prank call that Richard made to a guy who was selling some stuff in a garage sale. Fred also played some Ramones ''Blitzkrieg Bop'' before Howard came back. Howard came back a short time later. Howard said that Steve Langford had come in and he didn't ask for him yet. Steve said that he was apparently being pranked. Ronnie the Limo Driver and Scott the Engineer had pulled a prank on him and played an audio clip of Howard asking for Steve to come in. Steve, thinking Howard had asked for him, came into the studio. Howard said he doesn't need the guys doing that kind of crap out in the hall. He wants the names of the assholes who are sabotaging his show. Steve said it was Ronnie and Scott.
Howard had Ronnie come in and said that he should fire the two of them. Ronnie said they asked Artie about it and Artie thought it would be funny. Howard said that he has to stop what he's doing in the middle of the show and it's not funny. He told Ronnie he doesn't want him out there doing comedy bits, he wants him to do security. He said he knows he's having fun out there but he can't have him doing that stuff.
Howard said he fights to keep these guys there and they're out there fucking around with this stuff. He said that there are people that don't want Scott working there and he fights to keep him there and this is what he does. He said that he's the one who is supposed to prank people, not them. He said he hates work and when he gets pranked by his own people, it sucks.
Artie said they told him about the idea and he thought it was funny. He said it was supposed to be a prank on Steve, not on Howard. Howard said that he was about to talk about Cindy Crawford and then Steve comes running in and he has to do this stuff now. He went off on Scott and Ronnie about the prank and asked them what was so funny about it. He told them to come up with something funny that they can use, not this nonsense.
Howard told the two of them that it wasn't funny, it was pathetic. He said that no other show could turn Scott into a star. He said that his show made him a star. It took Fred making up a funny sound to make him that star but he is a star.
Howard asked the guys what they hoped would happen. Scott said that he and Ronnie were thinking the other day that if Steve heard Howard announcing that he was there with the news, he'd go running in. That's what they did to him and he ran into the studio when they played the clip. Howard said he'd rather have Scott concentrating on his work since he's late with stuff sometimes. He said that Ronnie should have nothing to do with bits either. He said that Ronnie is getting too comfortable with his job now.
Howard said that maybe these two should go off and do their own radio show. He said they could do bits and have people run in on their show instead. Howard asked Robin if she got the joke. She didn't get it either. Howard said that he turned it funny after the screwed up the show. He said that he had something funny planned for this segment and they fucked it up.
A caller asked Howard what got up his ass this morning. He didn't think it was that big of a deal. Howard said that it is a big deal though. He said that he now has to explain to the fans why Steve was in the studio and he didn't want to have to do that. Howard said he can't believe that this guy doesn't get it. He said that he respects his fans and he has a bond with the people who followed him to satellite radio. He has to erupt if he has people sabotaging his show. He said that he doesn't want people who pay to hear him to have to listen to crap like that. Fred said that the joke just didn't translate and he gets why Howard is so upset about this.
Artie said that they told him what they were going to do to Steve but he told them that they have to time something like that perfectly. He said that he told him that he'd stand by it if they got into trouble over it. Howard said that he told Ronnie many years ago that he had to prove to him, every day, that he's not a creep. This didn't help and he still has to try and get past the creepy letter that Ronnie sent to him all those years ago when he first started using him.
Another caller told Howard that it might be time to clean shop there. Howard said he just wants to get through the next 3 years and then get out of there with their dignity, or what's left of it. Howard said that they were ready to throw Scott out the door there at K-Rock and he stood up for him every time.
Another caller said that maybe he should have everyone prank him, even callers. Howard took a bunch of phone calls and let the fans go off on Ronnie and Scott a little bit. Some callers thought he had turned the bit around and made it great. He loved the dead silence that happened after he first yelled at the guys.
One woman called in and said that she thought Ronnie had been funny for the first time ever. Howard joked that the next stunt was going to be Ronnie and Scott driving a car right through the studio. He said he relies on Ronnie to keep weirdos out of the studio but he's a weirdo himself. Artie said that if Howard could have seen how funny they thought the bit was... Howard said he knows, he can imagine. He still doesn't need them doing this stuff out there.
Gary said that Scott just yelled at an intern because of all of this. She asked him for something and he yelled at her. Gary also said he can't believe that they didn't run this past him first, they run everything past him before they do it. They had another joke where they were going to lock the door so Steve wouldn't be able to get in.
Scott came in and apologized again and said that he was yelling at an intern because the intern did something that he didn't approve of. JD came in a short time later and said that Ronnie doesn't like being told that he's not funny. He said that Ronnie told Sal to come in there and hold a sign up over Scott's head that said ''Stupid Bald Fuck.'' Howard said he doesn't want him doing stuff like that.
There was another time that Scott came into the studio and adjusted his board because he had a $100 bet with someone. Scott would have lost his job if he'd done that at any other job.
Ralph called in and said that Ronnie seems to forget what his job is over there. Howard said that's right, he's always out there messing around with the interns and stuff. Ralph said they should make Ronnie sit around in a goofy outfit or something.
The guys talked about how Scott is still getting over his hernia operation but he finds time to do these jokes. Howard said that he's supposed to go meet with Mel Karmazin this morning about major stuff that's going on there and now he's going to be late.
The Babapology Tape. 6/18/99. 6:00am
Thanks to Joner for the ''Babapology'' title.. If you didn't hear yesterday's show you have to read about the lost Baba Booey tape that I wrote about. This morning Gary brought the tape in and was ready to collect his money. He told Howard that he watched it again last night and it's even more embarrassing that he remembered it to be. He said it wasn't just a couple of months after he and Nancy broke up, it was 7 months later!
Gary said that he wanted to cut out the first three minutes of tape because it was kind of boring but Howard wouldn't let him do it. He also told Howard that he wanted to nullify the Death Pool deal they had with Walter Matthau. Howard told him the deal was off. When Gary found out how much money was up in the air he changed his mind.
KC came in and told Gary that he had $18,000 in his hand but a short time later he said it was only $10,800. He said he forgot a zero. It turns out there was a total of over $18,000 including the $7000 that Howard and the rest of the crew were putting in for the tape. 3 guys showed up for the first showing and there were others for the second showing with less money. The first 2 guys came in with a total of $10,000. They got front row seats for the video. Howard even had popcorn popped for the guys to eat while watching the tape.
The first viewing went off a little bit past 7:00am. This Jewish Canter came in and sang a special Baba Booey version of the Star Spangled Banner for Howard but he didn't like it so he cut him off and kicked him out of the studio. It turned out that the first 3 minutes had some really funny stuff in it. Everyone got to see Gary from 11 years ago with his John Oates(Hall and Oates) look, big moustache and all.
Gary started off telling Nancy why he was doing the videotape.. because he couldn't ''get an audience'' with her. He told Howard that he was able to talk to Nancy on the phone but she wouldn't see him in person. He also said he was able to date her after he made the tape but didn't get into details.
Everyone in the studio was laughing hysterically through the tape. The fans who showed up were commenting on Gary's big teeth and moustache. Everyone agreed that Gary came off as a big pussy, and that was after only 5 minutes of the 12 minute tape!
Howard took a break and came back to keep the tape going. Gary hints that he may propose to Nancy a couple of times but those big choppers don't let it out. The first viewing went on for over an hour and 10 minutes. There were plenty of funny parts in the tape to make it worth rewinding.
At one point Gary tells Nancy that he ''lost my lover and my best friend'' and that she lost the same thing but gained another lover and best friend. Then he says that he gained some lovers but no best friends. Everyone burst out laughing. Howard called that formula ''Teeth=MC
Everything on the tape was about Gary, not about what Nancy might be feeling. Gary actually tells Nancy what she must be feeling. Surprisingly there were a couple of women who called in and told Gary the tape was sweet. Most of the other calls were telling him he's a loser.
Gary wasn't watching any of the tape because he was so embarrassed by it. At one point near the end of the tape Gary does one line of baby talk where he says he's ''not the begging type'' but he is begging. After watching the tape there was applause and Howard tells Gary ''You are weird!'' Howard took a break and moved on to the Mike Walker gossip game.
Jenna Jameson Too Thin And Other Discussions. 03/20/07. 9:35am
(Clipped) Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he had seen pictures of Jenna Jameson lately. She's gotten very thin. Howard said he did see a picture of her and she might be a little too thin. JD came in and said that he saw her at the AVN awards and she did look very thin. He said he could see her backbone because she was so thin. He didn't think she looked so good that day either. He thinks she had some work done on her face.
Howard talked about one time that Gary came to him while he was getting a lap dance and told him that they had a party bus to ride in. They were in Vegas at the time so Gary thought it was going to be a lot of fun but then it turned out to be just Gary, Artie, Ross and Randy Gerber just riding around in the bus. Gary said it was actually Joe Rogan who was also in the bus. Howard wondered why Gary would do that to him. Gary said that on paper it seemed like a great idea. It didn't turn out that way though.
Howard 100 News And Wrap Up Show Previews. 03/20/07. 9:50am
Howard went to Steve Langford who had a Howard 100 News preview. Steve said they'll have a story about Riley Martin possibly leaving SIRIUS after tonight. This is his final show on SIRIUS if he can't get his contract renewed. Howard said it's on at 7 tonight but Tim Sabean came in and said that it's actually tonight at Midnight. That led to Howard getting pissed that there was no promo card there for the shows. Gary said there was one on his console. Howard couldn't find it so he made Gary come in and find it for him. Gary put it where he was supposed to but it got covered by other papers.
Fred played some Baba Booey song parodies as Gary was freaking out on Howard. Artie laughed and said that was his favorite Baba Booey song. It was to the tune of a Led Zeppelin song ''Babe I'm Gonna Leave You.'' Fred started laughing as the song was coming to an end. So did Howard. Howard said Sal was out in the hall dancing around like Gary with a Gary mask on his face. Gary said he told Sal that it's a good thing he has that because his bits aren't funny and he walked away all dejected.
Steve got back to his report and said that they have some audio of Riley and Tim's negotiations which let to Howard getting pissed off again because they didn't give him the tape. Tim said he gave the tape to Scott the Engineer this morning. Howard flipped out on Scott but Scott put the blame on Jason who had given him the tape. Jason then came in and said he didn't tell him to get to it when he's ready. He said he gave him the tape early today and expected that he'd have it done. Jason apologized but Scott just said he thought they didn't need it right away.
Howard asked Jason why he didn't contact Gary about this. He told Gary to get these guys in line or just start firing some of them. Gary said that Jason, who is a very hard worker, tried to make something happen and it didn't work. Howard went off on Gary and anyone else that was within firing range and yelled at them. Jason took the blame for screwing up and not following up on Scott. Howard told him the tape should have gone to Sal and Richard who would have had that tape done within 5 minutes. He said if Scott knew he should have had it quickly, he probably would have had it done.
Howard said he owed Scott an apology. He said that Gary is there to make stuff like that happen and Jason should have given it to him. Howard said it's not Scott's fault, he's not mad at him. He said Scott is not to blame, Gary is the one who should have gotten the tape. Jason said he won't skip that step again when he gets a tape.
Howard thinks that the guys are dieting too much and their brains are cooking. He asked if he was overreacting to that. He didn't know what else he was supposed to do. Robin said that it seems that Howard does have to go off on them once in a while to keep them straight. They have a system set up and sometimes they let stuff fall through the cracks like this did.
Howard told Gary to get on his game and make things happen. Fred played another Baba Booey song parody after that little bit of yelling. The guys watched as Sal was dancing around behind Gary out in the hall again. Howard told Gary to sit down with Jason and Will about how to get this straightened out. The two of them went back and forth for a few seconds before Howard got back to Steve.
Steve said that they will have some of that negotiation tape on Howard 100 News if they don't hear it on Howard's show today. Steve said Riley is asking for $20,000 per show and $10,000 for his co-host. Howard heard that and said he was ready to go home after hearing that. Steve said they have a story about High Pitch Eric who has been calling a woman incessantly complaining that she has a boyfriend.
Howard interrupted Steve and played some audio clips of Riley from last week's show where he went off on the people at SIRIUS for not paying him what he wants to keep him around. Riley said he will leave if they don't come up with the money. Howard said he's pretty sure that Riley will melt down on the show tonight. He said if he doesn't, people should call in and try to get him riled up.
Howard went off on Gary again when he came in with the Riley clips. Howard said he didn't want to go to 2 o'clock today with the show. He said he should have had them at 6 this morning, not at 10:10. Gary was yelling at Howard so Howard told him not to yell at him. He wondered if he was asking for too much. Robin said this is a simple request and he wasn't asking for anything outrageous. Everything should be going through Gary according to Robin. Gary told Howard that he was wasting more time going off on him when he could be playing the tape. Howard told him not to tell him what he's doing wrong.
Steve told Howard that they'll have a report about Robin's race car driving practice. Howard was still pissed and couldn't even pay attention to what was going on. He had Jon Hein give his show rundown after that. Jon went over the subjects they'd be covering on today's Wrap Up Show.
Howard Exhausted And Drained After Missing Tape Fiasco. 03/20/07. 10:15am
Howard said he's wondering what else is missed there when he hears stories like that missing Riley tape. He said that it's obvious that nothing has changed there. He was exhausted and drained from the whole thing. He said he sees Gary typing out there in the office and wondered if he was typing a reminder note to himself. Then he went off on Gary for pecking on his keyboard with one finger. He never learned to type so Howard goofs on him about that. Sal was mocking Gary by typing like Gary out in the hall while wearing a monkey outfit.
Howard said that if he starts playing that Riley Martin tape now, Jon Hein might get his show on by 3 this afternoon. Robin asked if they could do it during the news since she was starting that. Howard said they might be able to do that. Robin started off her news talking about the Riley story so Howard could start playing the tapes.
Howard didn't want to hear from Gary about where the clips were so Gary told Robin where it was. Howard played the audio where Tim Sabean and Riley started to negotiate to keep Riley around. Riley was at about $5 million and Tim was at $300 a week. They had to figure out something in between. Riley said that he will deliver if they keep him on there.
Tim was trying to deal with Riley in the clip but Riley was cursing him out. Tim told Riley that giving him a raise to $400 per show would mean he's getting over $6 per minute which is pretty good pay. Riley said he can't live in New Jersey on that kind of money. He told Tim that he could probably protect Tim from demons with his symbols but he can not protect him from himself.
Howard said that $400 for an hour is a lot of money. No one else is offering him that kind of money. He got back to the recording where Riley and Tim went back and forth on the money issue. Riley then demanded $20,000 per show for himself and $10,000 for his co-host. Tim said he couldn't do that, it was out of his league. Riley said that he's not just a man, he's a phenomenon and explained to Tim why they should pay him that kind of money. He said if they can't pay him, they can get that woman who fucks horses to take over for him. Riley told Tim that maybe they will meet again somewhere in the future.
Tim told Riley that if he has a change of heart he could call him back. Riley said he wasn't having a change of heart, but if they have a change of heart, they can call him. Howard said he would pay a woman who fucks a horse $20,000 per show if they could find someone like that. He wondered what the odds were that Riley would be back. Artie said he thinks he'll be back. Fred said the same thing and thinks that he'll take a hiatus of 3 weeks. Howard and Robin also think there's a good chance that he'll be back.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks that the old Howard is back after hearing him yelling at Gary. Howard said he feels bad though and now his day is ruined. He said he gets really frustrated sometimes and he's relying on a lot of people to let him know when stuff is coming in.
Another caller told Howard she thought it was great that he wasn't yelling at people and thought that he was going to be like that even after his engagement. They he gets engaged and starts yelling again. Another guy said that this was old school Howard and the honeymoon is over for the toothy bastard (Gary). Howard said he had to take a break after that because the tape had come in so late.
Gary said he was asking Howard what he could do for him but Howard thought that he wasn't there for him the way he should have been. He asked Gary to repeat after him but Gary didn't want to do it. They continued to argue for a few more minutes while Gary refused to repeat after Howard. Gary eventually caved in and repeated after him before they went to break.
Howard asked Fred and Jackie if they had heard this thing being brought up. Fred said he had heard it and he thinks that Gary has been bringing it up quite often. Howard wondered if he should fire Gary for calling him a jerk. Robin said that he's let it go on and it's become habit for people to call him names. Howard said Gary is making him even more aggravated and he's wearing thin on him.
Gary came in and said he was sorry that Howard was a jerk. A few minutes later he apologized to Howard for the comment. Howard let him off the hook but asked him not to make him uncomfortable like that again. Gary said he wasn't sure he could do that because he's so dumb according to Howard.
Sam's explanation was that they had moved his call time two hours earlier than it was supposed to be. Joan said that they tape at that time every time. The two of them went band and forth kissing each other's asses but then Sam got upset that he was getting all of this bad press over the whole thing.
Howard also talked to Joan about her TV show and what a scum bag he thought Johnny Carson was. Sam and Joan continued to talk about their conflict as well. Sam was apologizing to Joan for not being there for her show. Joan seemed to be okay with it and accepted his apology.
Howard let Joan go after a while and spent a few more minutes with Sam. Sam was at his mother's house so Sam ended up putting her on the phone for a little while. Howard talked to Mrs. Kinison about what happened with her son and Joan and told her that everything was worked out. Howard wrapped up with Sam a short time later.
Pat was getting all worked up again explaining why he does the things he does. Howard looked through some of the cartoons that Pat had drawn up with Joan Rivers being featured in them. Pat was yelling about what he was doing and talking nonsense about everyone.
Howard asked Pat if he had ever gone to war with anyone and made up with them. That led to Pat saying that they weren't asshole buddies and Howard having to hit the delay. They wrapped up a short time later.
Gary came in so Howard said that Gary never gets what his argument is when he goes off on him. Then he said that he was going to tell Robin the story. Gary figured there was no chance that he wasn't going to talk about it on the air.
Howard said that Gary came to him and told him he had this great practical joke idea. They had Mike Judge on the show the day before and he was hoping to have him back on the show again sometime. Gary decided to write a bunch of ridiculous IDs for Mike to read. He had him reading a ton of stuff for way too long. Howard said he asked Gary what he was doing because the guy was a friend of the show. He said Gary told him that Mike loves the show so he didn't mind it.
Howard said that it was wrong to jerk the guy around like that. Both Gary and Jackie didn't think it was that big of a deal. Gary said that it was only 3 minutes and 20 seconds worth of IDs but Howard said that the recording session had to have lasted longer than that. Howard told Gary that he had better pray that Mike Judge comes back on the show in the future. Gary said that Stuttering John had lunch with him the day before and he does want to come back.
Howard kept talking over Gary and wouldn't let him explain himself. Gary was yelling at him to let him talk but Howard and Robin just kept going.
Howard played the audio of the stuff that Gary had Mike Judge reading as Beavis and Butt-Head. Steve Grillo came in and said they know where Mike is staying so they could call him. Howard said that he was embarrassed by the whole thing and didn't want to call the guy.
Fred did some of his Gary Puppet character while they were talking about this. Howard played more of the Mike Judge and cringed as he heard it.
Gary said that he thought it would be okay to do this because it was going to be for the air. He wasn't out to pester the guest like some people do there. Howard asked Gary Puppet to comment on this so Fred went into that a little more and goofed on Gary.
Howard called Stuttering John back in there because he had a problem with him as well. Howard asked John if he had Mike Judge signing stuff for people when he was there. John said that he went to Gary and asked him if it was okay with it. Gary said that he did check with Mike and he was fine with it. Howard said he doesn't want to jerk the guests around so he doesn't want that anymore.
Grillo came in and said that Gary was seen getting an autograph from Tim Allen when he was there. Gary said that Tim brought his own pictures and offered to sign them if they wanted any. Howard said that's fine if a guest does something like that.
Gary said that he had a Robin Puppet to reveal this morning. Robin was goofing on him so he had to bring in this new puppet. He brought it in and Fred took control of it and did his Robin impression while working the puppet.
Howard had Gary repeat after him for a minute. Then he played some more of the Mike Judge clips that Gary recorded. They wrapped up a short time later.
Today's ''All Apologies'' special was over around 10:25am.
Howard and the guys were back from their vacation today. Howard started off the show talking about how he couldn't wait to get back. He said he was on fire this morning. Artie said he was too. Howard said Artie looked like he got some sun and that the rehab was working. Artie said that outpatient rehab does work. Howard said that he's kind of in outpatient rehab himself. Robin said she is too.
Howard said that David Duchovny is in sex addiction rehab. He said he has to get the guy in there now that he has something interesting to talk about. He said that the guy wanted to come in there but he never had anything to talk about. Now he does. Howard said that all Duchovny suffers from is having a penis.
Howard said he figured that Duchovny was caught cheating or something but it turns out that he was on the internet watching porn too much. He read through the article about this whole thing and told the guys what was going on there. They talk about how he was watching too much porn on the internet and his wife was supportive of him doing it.
Howard said that women don't understand that guys can watch porn and still be into their wives. He said that it can get to a point where it is creepy though. Robin was wondering about that. Howard said that it's creepy when your wife finds out about it.
Howard said that his therapist had him convinced that he was a sex addict. He said that he wanted to have different women all the time and he was told that he was just hurting people. Howard said he had to drop it because he didn't understand what his therapist was telling him. He said he did have this compulsion to have someone in his bed when he was single. He wasn't sure if he was horny or if he had some kind of mommy thing going on.
Howard said his therapist asked him if he was that horny or if he could just go jerk off. Howard said he was right about that but he had this compulsion to get someone into bed with him. He figured that he was addicted to people. He said he never knew that. That addiction was to younger women though, not to grandma-looking women.
Howard said that Artie looks good compared to Amy Winehouse. They're saying that one more overdose for her and it might kill her. Artie said that she must have some kind of death wish or something.
Howard read the article about Winehouse and how she has brain damage from the overdoses. She overdosed on pot and had bad convulsions after smoking for 36 hours straight. He said that she's overdosed on some other stuff too. They listed some of the stuff she's done and Howard said she's done it all.
Howard said that he went over to this party at the Joel's house even though Beth warned him that he might not want to go. He said she knows that he's miserable at those things. Howard said that it's getting kind of weird with that whole thing.
Howard said that Jon Bon Jovi was at the party. So was Brad Grey. He said that he couldn't remember where he was working when he saw Brad. He wanted to talk to him about something but he wasn't sure what subject to bring up. Artie told him he could have asked him about Bernie Brillstein's death since they were Brillstein Grey the big talent agency.
Howard said that he saw Chevy Chase at the party and told him to come in so they can talk. He said that he was reading the book about John Belushi that Artie gave him and there's a ton of stuff they could talk about. Artie said that he worked with Chevy on a movie and he as with him for a full week but he bets that the guy wouldn't remember him.
Howard said he went to this party and saw their ping pong table with cups all over it. Then he found out that they were playing Beer Pong. He said he doesn't like beer, other than Becks (their sponsor). He said that he actually got upset when he saw that they had these cups all over the table and they were playing for beer. He had this friend Cynthia there and he had some shots before this all happened so he was going to be the life of the party. He had 10 shots of tequila lined up and ready to go if his friend got the ball in the cup.
Howard said that Cynthia was good at beer pong and he was downing the shots. Then Ross Zapin showed up and some other people got into the game. He got up to about 5 shots of tequila and also had a glass of vodka.
Howard said that he had a lot of fun with the beer pong because he had something to do at the party. He figured that Beth was going to come over and see how much fun he was having but she just kept dancing and stuff with other people. He said that she was dancing with gay people and other girls, not with guys like Jon Bon Jovi.
Howard said that Beth was dancing and he went over to her at one point but he didn't want to dance. He said he hates doing that stuff. He said that Beth was right and he should have just gone home.
Howard said he was drunk and he told Ross who he would have been fucking if he was single. Then he looked over and saw a hot blonde who looked like Ivanca Trump. He said that he told Ross to check her out and Ross thought it was her. Howard said he went over to her and ended up getting her on his team to play beer pong. Howard said that the people were all ganging up on him and getting him to drink these shots. He was drinking beer and shots and the room was spinning. Howard said he didn't even know what was going on because the room was spinning so much.
Howard said Beth finally came over to him and got him out of there. He was there from about 8:30 to 10:30. Robin said that 2 hours was pretty good for him. Howard said that Beth wanted to stay even later but she figured it was time for him to leave.
Artie said that the party was probably amazing. Howard said he saw Rachel Ray there. Artie said that most people would want to stay there past 10:30. Howard said that if you go with him, you have to leave early. He said Beth gets to watch him sleep after that.
Howard said he heard some gossip there at the party. He said he was playing the game with Ivanca and heard some stuff. Howard said that she's really beautiful and she's got big, full titties and she wasn't full of make-up and still looked beautiful. Howard said that he figured that Ivanca thought he was gross and disgusting but he found out that she was so excited to be playing beer pong with him that she had her friend take pictures to show to her father. He said that she's apparently very impressed with him.
Howard said they had a DJ there and they were playing classic rock and stuff like that. He said that it was pretty loud so the neighbors must hate that.
Howard said that Ross was drinking a lot of shots and he wasn't getting drunk. Robin said she's seen him drunk before and he does get drunk.
Howard said he invited Ralph to stay out there at his house for 2 days. He said you have to give him a time limit or he'll just stay. Howard said that Ralph got really fucked up on something the last time he was staying there and couldn't find his way back to the house. Artie said that he and Ralph went out bar hopping after the Tom Petty concert that time. That's the time Artie gave Ralph money to get back home but he ended up getting lost and he never made it back to the house, he just went home to Jersey.
Howard said that he had Ralph over earlier in the summer and he was picking up cups after him and stuff like that. He said that it became his problem when he had Ralph over. He said that the guy never thinks of others.
Howard said he sat Ralph down and told him what he does wrong. He said Ralph agreed with him and said he thinks he can do better. Fast forward to this week. He said he gave Ralph the rundown of when he had to leave and all of that stuff. Ralph got a call the night before he was supposed to come out and told him he couldn't make it. He had crashed his bike and went head first into a parked car. He was on his way to a hospital to get checked out.
Howard said that they ended up sending Ralph home without even checking him out. They wouldn't even give him an ice pack for his head. Ralph rested up and called him the next day and told him he was coming out to visit. Howard said that he extended the 2 day stay since he had lost a day. Ralph came out and told him about the injury but he didn't have a cut on him and nothing visible at all. He's not even sure that anything happened to him.
Howard said that Ralph is on this special diet all the time and he was walking around drinking coffee all day. He said that at 4 in the afternoon he ate a whole bag of chips. Then he grabbed two sandwiches and started drinking alcohol and mixed a bunch of drinks. A few hours later he was eating bread and muscles in butter sauce and stuff like that. Robin said he always ends up over ordering because he's starving by that point. Howard said that Robin knows the drill.
Howard said they went home and they stuck Ralph into his bedroom. He said he went to bed after that. Howard said Ralph sleeps nude and he saw his asshole at one point. He said he had to walk out and close the door. He said that he saw this big Ralph asshole sticking out. Artie said that he saw two assholes then.
Howard said that he got up the next morning and asked Beth if she saw Ralph. Beth said that she did and he came in about 6 in the morning into the kitchen and told her that there was vomit everywhere. He threw up, in his sleep, all over the room. He took all of the stuff to the laundry room and cleaned that up.
Howard said that it turns out Ralph took the bedding and shoved it into the washing machine and the cleaning lady found carrot pieces in there and brown stains on the bed. He said he's not sure what Ralph did but it ruined the sheets. He said that Ralph just took the whole mess and threw it in the wash. He said that all of the bedding is ruined now.
Howard said that Ralph came out later and said that he thinks the vomiting was from the head injury. Howard told him if that's what he thinks then he needs to get to a doctor. He said that the last time Ralph was there he had terrible diarrhea. He said the guy always has issues. Fred threw in some Dan the Farter clips as they were talking about that.
Howard said that he couldn't believe what Ralph did in that room. He said they had to fumigate the whole room. He said he's not going to have him back to his house after this. Robin said that he'll be back.
Artie asked what Beth felt about this. Howard said Beth felt bad for Ralph. He said that he told her that Ralph makes himself sick and she shouldn't feel bad for him. Howard said that Ralph should have avoided the booze if he had a head injury.
Howard said it's like what Sam Simon said about Ralph ruining everything he touches when he comes to visit. Howard said that it's really disgusting.
Artie said that he hired this caterer to do the party and they set him up with everything he needed. They were trying to talk him into just about everything. They told him to get a tent just in case there was rain. Artie said that he wanted a whole area that was open just in case it didn't rain.
Artie said that the whole thing worked out perfectly and the weather turned out to be great. He said that the caterer had an assistant that was a huge fan of the show. The guy had heard that it was for Robin and he told him to do the ice sculpture with a picture of Robin in it. That's what they turned out to be. Howard told Artie he's a classy guy. Artie said he figured it would be the funniest thing ever. Howard said the ice looked like a tombstone in Alaska.
Artie talked about all of the people floating by the house to see what was going on. There was a big boat that was going by with jet engines shooting out. Fred was there and said that the boat had jet engines on it and he was shooting flames out the back.
Howard asked what the ice sculpture cost him. Artie said he's not sure, he doesn't have the break down. Howard asked what this party cost him. Artie said he didn't want to say. Howard wanted to know numbers but Artie wasn't talking. Howard said that he told him how much he spent on his party. Artie said that he felt bad saying how much it cost him but it was maybe $40,000. Howard said he should have gone if he spent that much there. Robin said they had a special Vegan layout for her and they even had a cake that was in the shape of her boat. The Howard TV guys had some shots of all of that stuff. Howard said the cake looks like something that they'd have on the Sopranos if they had a party.
Howard read that the bar at the party was made of ice. Artie said that was true. They had a lot of ice sculpture stuff going on there. Artie said the caterer talked him into all of this stuff.
Artie said that Robin was drinking strawberry daiquiris. He said that her nephew was there too and he had a fun time talking to him.
Artie said that everyone respected his time limit on the party. He said that it was 1-7 and Robin left a little earlier. Robin said that her people with the boats wanted to get back before dark. Howard said that 6 hours is plenty of time. Artie said that there were still people there at 8 that night. He said they were all people that he likes hanging out with though. Artie said he had a good time and everyone left by about 9.
Palin has a kid that's retarded and that kid's name is Trig. She has a Bristol and some other odd named kids. Howard said that she doesn't have any qualifications for this job. He said that they don't even show the husband. He said that she's one of those wack jobs who thinks that abortion should be illegal even for a woman who is dying. Howard said that she's no phony. He said that she has a new born with down syndrome. Her 17 year old daughter is pregnant too.
Howard said no one should get married at 17. He said that they're going to make her marry this high school boyfriend and it's just wrong. Howard said that any normal mom would take her to get an abortion. Howard said that this woman looks like a maniac.
Howard said he knows very little about Obama so he wasn't going to vote for him. He said that now that McCain has picked this woman as his running mate, he can't vote for him. Howard said that this Palin woman hasn't done all that much that he knows about. He said that she supports creationism in schools and that's not going to fly with him.
Howard said that he doesn't know where Obama stands on a lot of stuff. He said that Joe Biden might be okay as a running mate but the guy isn't all that great either. He stole a guy's speech years ago. Fred said that it was from some guy from the UK that he stole the parts of his speech from.
Howard said that McCain is an old man and you have to make sure the VP is someone who is in good shape just in case McCain doesn't last long. Howard said he was thinking of voting for McCain until this announcement.
Howard said that Palin is a hockey mom from Alaska. He said that he predicts that she won't make it through the election.
The caller thought they were all out of their minds and thinks that they need to get Scott DePace in there to give another opinion on this woman. Howard said that she has a full plate with her 5 kids, the pregnant 17 year old and the retarded kid. He said that she should stay home and take care of that instead. He said she doesn't have time for this stuff.
Howard said that there's already some weird stuff going on with this woman already. The husband sounds nuts too according to what Fred was saying about him.
Howard said that you just don't force your daughter to marry the kid who fucked her in high school. The caller didn't think that they were forcing her to marry the guy. Howard said that they have to be forcing her. The caller wanted DePace in there. Scott came in a short time later and said that they're wrong about a lot of stuff in this discussion.
DePace was saying that Robin was wrong about a bunch of stuff she was saying. He corrected her on that but Robin shot back and said that he was wrong about what he was saying. She said that she didn't say what he claimed she did.
DePace said that they're not forcing the daughter to marry this kid. They told him that they do have to give her permission to marry the kid because she's so young. Howard thanked Scott for setting things straight.
Howard said he was watching the hurricane coverage yesterday but he was kind of bored with that. He was watching the hot FOX News broads though and enjoyed that. He said he was wondering to himself which one he would want to date if he was single. He said he's not sure what kind of cellulite they're hiding under their skirts though. He said they might have something physically wrong with them that he can't see.
Howard said that the chicks are hot and they must be making good money so that's a real turn on for him. He said that maybe they're not all that hot and they're packing on the make-up and stuff. He said that he has to be sure he's doing the right thing by getting married. He said he compares Beth to the girls and figures that she's got it over them. He said that she passed the test with him.
Howard said that the FOX News chicks never have to go to disaster areas. Robin said they do have to be on the air during those stories though.
The caller mentioned this chick at FOX News that has a ''blow job face'' but Robin didn't know what he was talking about. Howard said that she really does have a face that looks like she wants to blow a guy. That led to the guys talking about Jennifer Aniston and how she doesn't have that face. She has the sour puss face that Howard doesn't seem to like. Artie said he still digs her.
Howard said he read that Rupert Murdoch's wife was at the party he was at. He was playing beer pong against her. He said that he heard that Rupert has become a liberal in his old age and he's upset with FOX News. He didn't say where he heard that though.
The caller told the guys who he was and it turns out he's ''Lee the Stalker'' who said he never stalked anyone. They said that it was kind of scary that he was talking about these news chicks the way he was.
Lee brought up some of the other FOX News chicks and Howard knew exactly who he was talking about. Howard said that he thinks that they kill off the chicks once they lose their looks. Artie said that Lee was getting kind of creepy earlier when Howard was talking about the chicks. He was moaning and sounding weird. Lee said that he's a dude.
The caller mentioned Laura Ingram but Howard said that she's not that sexy. Lee said he'd even bang Ann Coulter. Howard said there's something off about her and he can't get into that.
Howard had another caller who said he was wrong about Sarah Palin. That caller said that they can't take important weeks off of work. He said that all they had was Bubba commenting on this stuff. The caller said that Howard is all wrong about this chick. Howard said he's not sure about that, he thinks that she has crazy eyes and her husband seems nuts.
The caller said that Palin got rid of a bunch of corrupt people up there in Alaska. Fred said that they still got the money for that ''bridge to nowhere'' that she helped put a stop to. The caller thinks that she's a good choice.
Fred said that Palin just builds hockey rinks for her kids to play in up there. The caller and Fred went back and forth on that for a short time. Fred seemed to have a lot of information on her. Howard cut them off and said he doesn't know anything about this. He said that he does know that she initially supported that ''bridge to nowhere'' but she went against it after people came out and got angry about it.
Howard asked JD if he had any clips to play. JD said there was some stuff but not a lot. He said that they didn't really do that much worth playing.
JD said that there are a few clips that he was pulling for them. There wasn't all that much but he had a clip of a 16 year old singer who was famous when he was 10. Gary said the kid is kind of funny looking now that he's older. Howard said he read they raised $65 million and wondered who the hell is watching that thing.
Howard told JD to pull out the clips of the entertainers and Jerry introducing them. JD said he might not have them until tomorrow then. Howard seemed to be okay with that.
Howard said he heard that JD went to Artie's party and he took a ride with Jared, his arch nemesis. JD said that was true. He was supposed to drive down with Tracy in the SIRIUS van. Artie said they actually parked that in front of his house. Howard said that Mel is going to be pissed if he finds out about that. Artie said they had a news presence there so that's how they get away with that.
JD said that he had to ride down with Jared because he was going with them in the SIRIUS car. He said that High Pitch Mike was also in the car. Then Mike Gange rode with them on the way home. JD said that they were all singing in the car on the way home but he wasn't singing himself.
JD said that he wasn't the only one who complained that Jared had his shirt off most of the time he was at the party. Artie said that Jared was on the jet-ski and out getting chicks while JD was standing there with his shirt on and rolling his eyes. Robin said that JD never took his shirt off the whole time he was there.
Howard said that JD must have noticed that Jared took his shirt off. JD said that he wasn't the only one. Howard figured that JD didn't have a good time like Jared did at the party. JD said he was fine. He said that all of the guys in the car knew the songs but he didn't know any of the words.
Robin complained that JD didn't talk to her much at the party. JD said that he's not that good with social situations but he did say hello and happy birthday to her.
Howard asked where JD and Jared sat in the car. JD said he sat in the back and Jared sat in the front, right in front of him. JD said that Jared was the one who asked him if he was ready to leave and he said he was. Howard said that Jared must have known that he was ready to go and wondered why he had to ask him. He asked JD if he was upset he was asked. JD laughed and said he wasn't.
Artie said that it's kind of hard to talk to hot chicks when Jared is there with his shirt off. He said that the broads are looking over your shoulder to see Jared.
JD said that he was jealous that his body doesn't look like Jared's. Robin said that he has to get up and move around if he wants to look like that. JD said that he's lazy so that won't happen.
JD said that he sat in the back on the way back to New York on the way home. Howard let JD go after that and told him to get the Telethon on tape. JD said that he'll have some stuff from that later on this morning. Howard said he might change JD's name to Jared Jr. JD asked him not to do that.
Howard read through the obituary and some history about how he got the name ''Killer.'' He said it was an article that was written about how cold and callous he was toward another wrestler after he had visited him in the hospital.
Howard said that the weird thing was that he was on McCain's short list for his running mate. Howard said he was right in front of Palin on that list but Killer didn't make it.
Howard played a clip from the Jerry Lewis telethon where Jerry was all out of breath just a few minutes into the show. Howard got a laugh out of that. He was chuckling along to Jerry's deep breaths as he was trying to speak. Howard wondered if he just ran a marathon or something.
Howard said that Gange went out to Richard Christy's parent's farm and they had Gary the Retard, Yucko and Gina Lynn there. He said that Gary the Retard keeps talking non-stop and gets on everyone's nerves. He had some kind of meltdown at some point and wanted to get out of Kansas. He had to do chores and stuff at the farm and just wanted out. He was telling people to fuck off.
Richard said that Gary yelled ''fuck you'' when he said good night to him one night. Richard said that a cow pissed and shit on Gina Lynn's foot. He said she rode a tractor topless out there too. Richard said Yucko rode a horse and it freaked the horse out.
Howard said they had to do all kinds of chores out there. Richard said that Gary had one day that was really long and he got kind of frustrated. Richard said that they took Gary to Taco Tico one night and he tried talking when he had food in his mouth and it was the funniest noise he's heard. He said he hasn't laughed that hard in a long time.
Howard read some notes about the shoot and how Gary wouldn't shut up the whole time. It drove the crew kind of nuts out there. Richard said that Gange had a meltdown himself. Richard said that Gange threatened to get in the van so he could drive it into a lake because he was so fed up.
Richard said he has a lot of bruises on his back because Gary the Retard will slap you really hard when he's happy to see you.
Howard read some more notes about how bad the bugs were out at the farm. Richard said that he got chiggers and they had about a million bugs on the lights that were out there for the shoot. The crew were all getting bitten by the bugs.
Doug Goodstein said that the special is going to air in November. They have the last episode of Wack Pack Bowling going up tonight.
Howard said that Richard got to go to a haunted house out there in Kansas and he was talking about how much fun he had at that and at the water park he was at over vacation. Richard said that they have a bar in the pool at one of the attractions. Richard said that he stayed in the pool for 6 hours and just peed in the water as he was drinking. He was drinking the water and pissing it right out into the pool.
Richard said he didn't see one person get out of the water to piss. Howard said they must have all been pissing in there then. Artie asked Richard where he's from that he can't piss in the bathroom. Doug said that they piss anywhere at the farm too. He said that Richard's father would say excuse me and just piss 2 feet from them.
Howard asked if anyone tried to fuck Gina Lynn out there. Doug said that there was nothing sexual about that trip except for Gina. He said that when he got home he blew his nose and it was all dirt that came out. Richard said that they live on a gravel road and there was a ton of dirt on everything. Richard said that he was freaking the guys out by telling them about the chiggers that they have out there. He said that he just waits them out and lets them go away. He said that they can smother them with nail polish though.
Howard said that they have Beat the Booey starting this week too (I'm on episode 3). They have the Wack Pack Bowling and the Ronnie Mund show is coming soon too. Doug said that one is going to be a hit.
Richard said they have a show called ''The Lost Interviews'' too and they take old interviews and put other people in there to make it look like Howard is talking to Richard as if he's a hot chick and stuff like that. Howard said that it was kind of weird looking to him. Howard and Artie said they want to sue over that because it makes them look bad.
Richard said that he went out with some old friends while he was out there in Kansas and this chick he went to school with is now a grandmother and she's only 34 years old. Artie said that he's not old, it just shows how backwards they are out there.
Eric got on the phone and corrected Howard about where he was at. He said he was in Las Vegas, not San Diego and he was at an arena and not a strip club. Howard said that they don't care about him that much that they have to know that stuff. Robin said it sounds like he had a good time. Eric said he did have a good time. Eric also said that it wasn't a boa, it was a python. He said that they can't get anything right.
Howard said there are always hot chicks who have gimmicks that they use and guys just don't give a shit about that stuff. Howard said that he just wants chicks to pretend that they're into him and not have tricks and gimmicks to do.
Howard said he felt bad for Eric with that snake in his lap in those pictures. The Howard TV guys showed the pictures of Eric with the snake and he looks petrified. Eric claims he wasn't scared at all. The guys talked about some of the shots they were seeing and it was pissing Eric off.
Fred said there was one where he was surrounded by hot chicks and he looked much different. Fred said that Eric looks like a lab rat in one of the pictures. Artie said that Fred had that right and laughed his ass off when he saw the pictures.
Howard asked Eric about the chains that Eric had on him in one picture. Eric said they're gold chains. He said that they're just different things that he's purchased. He had a class ring on there and stuff like that. Howard told him that was a cool look and it was really working for him.
Artie said that Eric looked like he was looking through an aquarium or something with those glasses on. Eric told Robin to shut the fuck up at one point and told her to stick Mr. X's cock in her mouth. That led to Artie doing an impression of Eric getting all out of breath while he's yelling at people. He had Howard laughing at him with that. He cracked himself up too.
Howard asked Eric what the eye was on the chain he wears. Eric said that it's a Catholic God's eye. Howard asked him why he would wear that. Eric said it's for protection so God will watch over him. He also had a ring on there and some other lump. Eric said he had a class key on there as well. He was telling the guys about the stuff he had on there and one of them was a cross. Howard said that Eric seems to really like his high school years.
Artie did some more of his Eric impression before Howard took a call from Irish John. John asked if Howard would buy Eric's bones if his family sold them when he dies. Howard said he would and he'd put them in the studio. He said he'd want Beetlejuice's head and Eric's body in formaldehyde. Howard said that he could put that in his will. He asked Eric if he would do that. Eric said ''Fuck... no!''
Artie said that Eric should consider that. Eric wanted nothing to do with that. Howard even promised to put ''Eric the Actor'' on the jar instead of ''Eric the Midget.'' Eric said he doesn't care because they're all assholes and he's never going to will them his body.
Irish John said that Johnny Fratto will figure out some way to sell them the bones. Howard asked Eric what it would take to get him to will them his body. Eric wasn't sure so Howard asked if they could get him a blow job from Brandy Talore, would he will them the body. Eric said there's ''zero point zero'' chance of that happening.
John said that Eric looked miserable out there at that event he was at. Howard said that of course Eric is miserable, he just wants to get laid and he can't. Eric told Irish John to get off the phone because he doesn't know what he's talking about.
Howard asked Eric what he did on stage out there. Eric said he was a judge in a stripper contest. Howard asked Eric about being around hot, naked chicks all day long. Eric said he had to correct him again and told him they weren't naked. They were in bathing suits. Howard asked Eric if he wanted to take some of the girls back to his room with him. Eric said there were a few who were flirting with him. Howard said that maybe they were flirting because he was a judge. Eric said they weren't contestants, they were judges.
Howard asked Eric if he beat off after being around the girls. Eric said he did not. Howard asked him if he did it when he got home. Eric claims he didn't so Howard said he must be lying.
John asked how many people showed up at the event. Eric said there were like 1500. He wouldn't say how much he took in. Fred played the ''Zero point zero'' clip to give the amount he took in.
Ralph called in and asked if Eric was wearing a ring on one of his necklaces. Eric said that he already said that was his class ring.
Howard told Ralph that he told the story about him vomiting out there at his house. He said that he's never going to be a guest at his house again after that. Ralph argued with Howard about some of the stuff that Howard was saying about him gorging on food and things like that. Howard said that Ralph always has issues and there's always a scene with him. He's also got excuses for everything that he does.
Howard said that Ralph didn't even have a cut on his head from the crash into the car. He said that Ralph claims he blacked out but it wasn't because of the car accident like he claims it was. That was two days before he threw up in his bed.
Eric told Ralph to shut up about the head injury. Howard said he thinks that Ralph shit the bed too. Ralph said that he didn't. Eric said that someone in the room wanted to know if Ralph cut a hole in his Iron Man standee and butt fucked it.
Ralph said that he heard that Eric took a cock to the face but Eric told him to shut the fuck up and get off the phone.
Howard talked about seeing Ralph's naked ass and asshole the morning he walked into his room. Ralph didn't know about that so he was wondering how that happened. Eric said that he must have been ass up waiting for his boyfriend.
Ralph said that he doesn't remember throwing up in his bed. Howard said that it cost him $1,500 to replace those pieces that Ralph ruined. Ralph said that he'd pay for it but Howard didn't want his money. He said that he'd let him slide on that but told him he has to promise not to come back.
Howard said that Ralph brought him a bottle of something that he can't even use. It was a mixer of some sort and Ralph didn't even remember the name of it. Howard said he has to be lying and he just went in and picked up whatever was there. Howard complained about the last time he stayed with him and he had diarrhea.
Howard said there aren't many 46 year old guys who still vomit all over themselves. He said that Ralph is 46 and vomiting on himself and not remembering it. He said that even Artie isn't that fucked up. Artie said that vomiting is a different level.
Howard said that it's his own stupidity for having Ralph over to his house. He said that he told Beth that it would be the ultimate passive aggressive move for Ralph to die in his house. Ralph asked how that would be something he would do. Howard said that's just something he'd do.
Howard said Ralph is a pain in the ass and he's the one who is always talking about chicks being a pain in the ass. Ralph said that's how he can pick them out, he knows what it's like.
Howard said that at least Ralph lived up to his name and ''Ralphed'' on his bed. He said that the next thing you know he's going to come over and just shit on the floor. Robin said that he'd probably leave a log in the washing machine or something like that. Howard said that there's always a problem with Ralph. Howard let him go after that. Howard said he's never having Ralph back to his house.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's picturing Eric in these pictures they're talking about and wondering if Howard ever thought of having him as a ring bearer at his wedding. Howard said that they could do that and have him with curled up shoes on his feet.
Howard said that Eric sitting with a python is much more dangerous than flying with balloons. He said that he just needs to get a hot chick with balloons and Eric would be flying.
Eric asked Howard if he thinks that Ralph jerked off in his house. Howard said he probably has. Eric also told Howard that he's too busy in October to appear at his wedding. Howard told him he had to get going after that.
Eric said that he and Johnny Fratto also went to a strip club out in Vegas and had a lot of fun out there. He said that they were at the Bada Bing strip club out there. Howard said it was time for them to hustle out of there right now.
Eric was trying to get in some plugs but Artie was talking over them all and not letting him get in a word. Howard let Eric go a short time later.
Howard said that he doesn't know what Facebook is all about because he's 54 years old. He said that he's read stuff about these people who are on there all day long and blogging their lives on there. He said that they write down every aspect of their lives and no one even cares. He said that they don't even work.
Howard said he has to get on this Facebook thing to see what it's all about. He read that Mike Gange blogged about his trip to Kansas. He said that's the kind of nonsense that's on there. He saw the blog and said that Gange shouldn't even have time for that kind of stuff. He should be working on the show.
Robin said that Mike Gange wrote a question for the Beat the Booey game show and it was about what his title is there at Howard TV. No one knew in the studio so Robin said that it's ''Supervising Producer.''
Howard said that Gange is posting pictures in this blog and only one person read it from what he could see. He said there was just one comment on it. Gary said it was probably more views than that one.
Gange said that it took him 2 minutes to write that blog. Howard said that he doesn't need to do that stuff and he comes across as fuckin' retarded. Gange said that one of the guys wanted him to do this Twittering thing that's even more retarded. He said he thinks it's kind of cool to see what his friends are doing so that's why he did the blog thing.
Howard said that he doesn't get it. He said it's so gay. Gange said that it is kind of gay but it's fun. Howard said that every time he starts to like Gange he goes and does something like this. He told him to just work and stop with this stuff.
Howard said that he doesn't even want to talk to Gange when he's around and he sure wouldn't read this stuff. Gange said he would read it. Howard read through some of the blog and goofed on Gange for writing this stuff. He wrote about how there weren't any Starbuck's near where they were staying and how he was looking forward to going home so he could get a cup of coffee. Howard said that this is Gange's way of trying to pick up chicks. Gange said it can't hurt, he can put his stuff out there by doing this.
Gary said that Benjy goes on this one site where people literally just say they want to get fucked and tell them where they're at. Benjy said that he spoke to a nationally known model last night and she wanted him to bring coke over. He said he doesn't do that so he didn't go over there.
Howard said that Benjy did fuck one chick who is kind of famous in a round about way. Benjy said he has another chick who he banged and he has to tell Howard that story but it's not going to make a lot of sense. He told Howard it's only for him, not for anyone else. He said he could end up getting killed over this one.
Howard asked Artie about whether or not he was able to avoid drinking during vacation. Artie said that he did. A short time later Benjy walked over his piece of paper and showed Howard what he did to this person that he met on this web site he goes on. Howard read it and said that Benjy is weird.
Howard said that it wasn't a scatological thing that he did. He said that Benjy did something that the other person instructed him to do. It turns out it was a dude. Benjy said that it was a famous guy and Howard has probably seen the guy on TV.
Ralph said he knows what site Benjy is talking about and you can type in keywords to find stuff you want to do. Ralph said that he saw a chick that wanted to set up a rape scene but he thought better of it and didn't go to her apartment.
Howard said he heard that Artie was with some hot chick at his party. Artie said that she was very hot. He said that he's not really seeing her, she lives in another state. He said she's got two kids and she's probably not into him like he's into her. He said he met her out on the road at a stand-up gig. Robin said he was out on the jet-ski with her all day.
Artie said that he was on the jet-ski with her while she was wearing her bikini and he had to hold her around her stomach. The guys were showing some of the pictures from the party that Artie had. They had a shot of Richie Beilenson on a jet-ski.
Artie said that this Michelle chick is like the perfect person and it's a very complicated situation. He said that it's hard to figure out.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who asked if Howard is married. Howard said he's not. Dominic said that people have been asking him about it. Robin said she doesn't even think about that. Fred played the ''Mayday, mayday!'' call that Dominic had to make recently when his boat caught fire. The guys were all laughing at him as the call played. They also had Dominic's ''Fire'' thrown into AC/DC's ''For Those About To Rock.'' That had Artie laughing. Artie said they have to put it into Springsteen's song ''I'm on Fire'' but they already had that. Howard played that and had him in ''All By Myself.'' They had him singing ''The boat, the boat, the boat is on fire.''
Howard said that Beth asked him to let people know that they rescued over 1000 dogs down in Virginia and they're looking to get the dogs adopted quickly so they can have room just in case they have to rescue dogs from the areas that are hit by the hurricane. The North Shore Animal League is doing this special adoption on Wednesday for those who are interested. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said that Gary did ''Don't Forget the Lyrics'' over vacation. Howard and Robin had never heard of it but Gary said it's gone into it's third season.
Gary came in and said that Wayne Brady is the host and it's always very uncomfortable to go on a show where the host is someone they've goofed on for years. Gary said Wayne was actually very nice to him and said he was going to be nice even though they have given him shit for years.
Howard said that Magic Johnson seems to be flying under the radar these days. He said they don't hear much from him anymore.
Howard played a clip from ''Don't Forget The Lyrics'' where Gary had to sing the lyrics to the song they played. Gary said that you don't play against anyone, you just play yourself. He said that the show is more popular than he thought it was. Howard said it sound horrible because you have to watch people like Gary sing.
Gary said that the people in the audience didn't really know who he was when they announced his name. He said the audience was mostly female and kind of young. They just don't know him. Artie said they drag in crowds from just about anywhere.
Howard played Gary singing and joked that the good thing is that he can really sing. Gary said you sing the line and then you have the chance to change the lyrics to correct them. Howard said he really put his ass on the line to do that. Gary said he did make some money for a charity he was playing for but he can't say how much he made.
Howard said that Gary got to sing Mississippi Queen too so he played that. He said the band has to practice though because they didn't have that song down that well. Gary didn't have to sing much of that song.
Howard played a little more of Gary's singing and then played a song parody about Robin called ''Lick My Sweaty Scrotum.''
Gary said they should do that game with some of their song parodies. He mentioned the ''Sulu Dance'' song parody but called it the ''Zulu Dance.'' Howard goofed on him about that for a short time.
Howard played another Diddy blog clip where he talked about John McCain and starts off saying that his ''Government name'' is Sean Combs. Howard said that's the name his parents gave him, not the government. He said that dude is funny. He played more of him going off on McCain but he wasn't getting to the point very quick. He said the guy needs to think about what he's going to say before he starts talking.
Howard showed the guys more pictures of Eric the Midget with the snake. Artie said he can't get enough of that.
Howard said that he and Artie bet on the Bob Levy fight before vacation and told Levy to let them know if it was a set up fight or not. Howard said he got a letter from a guy who claims that he has seen Danny before and he's actually a pussy. Another guy wrote in and said that Danny got beaten by Mario Lopez and he's not all that great of a fighter. Howard said he doesn't know, he thinks Danny has some swagger for someone who can't fight.
Artie said that he doesn't want any kind of set up fight. Howard said it has to be a real fight, he doesn't want to give up money on a planned fight.
Howard said that people are saying that this Sarah Palin even faked the birth of her retarded baby and that her daughter actually gave birth to it. Howard said that was ridiculous. A caller said that he has seen those pictures and stories and they show the daughter with a belly and bigger boobs around the time the baby was due.
Howard said that Palin chick is fuckin' nuts because she doesn't even believe in abortion for women who were raped or are dying because of their pregnancy. He said that she's also a hunter and shows off her kill in some pictures.
Robin said that Vladimir Putin was out at some wildlife preserve or something and there was a tiger that broke free and started running. Putin shot the tiger with a tranquilizer and apparently saved some people.
Howard said that Palin killing a caribou is weird because a caribou is probably smarter than an unborn child. He said that they should put up the retarded kid against the caribou in ''Are You Smarter Than a Caribou.''
Gary told Howard that Palin is for an abortion if a woman's life is in danger but not if the woman has been raped or the pregnancy is from incest.
Dominic Barbara called in again and said that this is the worst choice for a Vice President. He said that the country is a mess right now and McCain could die at any time at the age he's at. He said that this woman could be under pressure to start a nuclear war and she'd have to make a decision very quickly. Howard said that she's not even going to make it to the election and she will be boxing Danny Bonaduce in 2 years.
Howard did his impression of Dominic's ''Mayday'' message so they replayed some of that and the song parodies that Dan the Song Parody Man threw together using clips from the Mayday.
Howard took a call from a guy who was correcting them on something they were saying about the song ''Mississippi Queen.'' Howard had to bail on the call because he just couldn't deal with it. He had to go to break anyway.
Fred said that they're really far behind with commercials. Howard was going to go to break but he ended up talking about how Gary met Don Rickles out at the Jimmy Kimmel show last week and Rickles has been listening to the show. Gary said that Rickles wrote a book that's coming out soon and he has a letter that he wrote to Howard in the book. Howard said he really likes that guy and he likes that he wrote something about him. Gary said that Mr. Rickles has been listening to the show quite a bit since he got satellite radio.
Howard said that Jillian Barberie has been talking about how she was kind of invited to Howard's wedding but not really. He said she was on Adam Carolla's show talking about it. He said he feels bad that he can't invite her to the wedding because she promotes the show so much.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that someone has to set them straight about this Sarah Palin chick. He said that Obama is going to do a lot of stuff too that's going to screw up people like Howard. The guy said they're going to raise taxes through the roof. The guy said that he wants Obama to win just so people who are in love with him see how bad he's going to be. Howard said he's not a fan of Obama's but he might have to vote for him over McCain. The caller said that he's not even wealthy so Fred asked him why he's worried about it because he won't be taxed like the higher income people will be. The caller gave his side of the story and Fred gave his thoughts on the whole thing.
The caller also wanted to talk about chess. Howard said that he recently lost a big game because he lost his internet connection in the middle of the game. He said his rating would have gone up to 1700 if he had won that game. Howard said that everyone should play that game because it really is great. The caller said he plays it for fun but his father was a master in the Soviet Union. Howard told the guy he had to get going after that. He said that no one wants to hear that story.
Howard talked about how stupid he can feel after playing a game. He played against Rob Burnett the other day when he came over. He said that Rob is just learning so he had to give him some pointers. Howard lost to an 8 1/2 year old too so he felt kind of crappy about that. He said he rubbed it in the kid's face that he was dating a model though. They went to break a short time later.
After the break Howard came back and had Steve Langford come in with his news preview. Steve said they have full coverage of Artie's party for Robin. They heard that Artie tipped over the jet-ski a few times. Robin said she heard that he tipped it over and also almost ran under the dock and took his head off. Robin said that Artie wasn't even driving it, his friend Michelle was driving.
Steve said they have more about Kenneth Keith Kallenbach's death and the company that was running the prison. That company is backing out of running the prison according to Steve. Howard said that he felt really bad for Ken's mother and spoke to her on the phone.
Artie came back in and said that he was fine on the jet-ski when it was running but he fell off about 5 times. He said that this one girl on a boat kept yelling something to him and he leaned over to hear what she was saying and fell off. She was telling him to get a tan. Artie said he had a life jacket on and a shirt on. He said that it was really hot out that day too.
Artie said that he keeps a t-shirt on even if he's thinner. He said the doesn't like wearing a life jacket that other people have worn. Robin said that the one that Artie was wearing wasn't being worn by others because of the size of it. Artie said they were all one size and didn't know what she was talking about.
Robin said that she brought a lot of stuff to that party. Artie said she didn't bring anything, her personal Navy brought the stuff over to his place.
Steve said that Bob Levy was arrested over some arguments he's had with his ex-wife. Steve said that Ivy Supersonic's lawyers are working on a plea bargain so she can avoid jail time. Steve got in a plug for Jackie's Joke Hunt that's on tonight. That led to Howard doing his impression of Jackie telling some jokes. Fred played some of his laughs and noises. Howard said he misses that stuff and he's not sure how he gets up in the morning without them.
Howard said he heard all of that stuff in his head for 2 years. Fred played some more circus music and Jackie sounds before they moved on. Steve said that Riley Martin's show is also on tonight.
Howard said that Robert Schimmel is doing a show on Thursday night and he was going to give away tickets to that. He said he'll have to do that tomorrow.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview and ran down the list of things they were going to try and cover today. They ended up talking about Ralph's puking incident for a few more minutes when Jon brought it up.
They also talked about JD and Jared's trip to Artie's house. JD came in during that and said that he didn't look at Jared once while they were there. JD said he's not sure how he became a villain either. Robin was saying that it was like JD was the villain to Jared's super hero body.
Ralph called in and said that he could have had a concussion and that's why he puked. Howard said that he didn't have a concussion, he just has to stay away from his house. Ralph said he will stay away, he has no problem with that.
Robin read some news about Ed McMahon and Donald Trump. Trump was going to buy his house and rent it to Ed but it turns out Ed didn't want that deal at the time but now he's had someone back out on buying his house so he may be going back to Trump.
Robin played some clips from Jerry Lewis' telethon so the guys ended up goofing on him a little bit. Robin wondered who is going to replace him when he passes on. Howard threw out the Palin kids names as replacements.
Robin read some other stories about Lucy Liu, David Duchovny's sex addiction, Amy Winehouse's overdoses, Brad Meltzer working to save Jerry Seagal's home and a few other quick stories.
Robin said that there's a story from Pakistan where 5 women were killed because they tried to choose their own husbands. Howard said that he bets no other women in that country are going to try and choose their own husbands. They talked about how Artie would have been married already if he lived in Pakistan.
Robin read a story about a college student who was killed in New York City. He was strangled to death and a plastic bag was shoved down his throat.
Howard took a call from a guy who claims that he was molested by a doctor. He said that his mother dated the guy for 10 years. The guy said that the doctor was doing a penis growth study and he would jerk him off when he was measuring them. He said that the guy never even made a report to the hospital. Howard said that of course he wouldn't report that. The guy said that he wants to give Howard the story first and not to the other news stations that want him. He said that the guy did it to his younger brother as well.
The caller was also saying that he grows quite a bit and he wanted to show it to Howard. Howard didn't seem interested in seeing that. He talked to the guy more about his growing penis and what went on with the doctor.
Ralph called in and asked why the kid was hard when the doctor was jerking him off. The caller said that the doctor would get him hard to do it. He said that he doesn't have the full story about what he did to his brother.
Gary came in and said he found the article about this and there are 5 guys and one woman who are suing the guy. The caller said there are actually hundreds of people who are in on the case.
Gary said that one guy claims that he was anally raped by the guy. The caller said that's not him. He said he didn't claim that. Gary said there are some people who claim they were photographed in sexual positions with their siblings. The caller said they found tons of kiddie porn in the guy's house when they were doing some construction.
The caller told Howard some stuff about that and Ralph told the guy he was probably asking for it. The caller said that he's looking to get paid because this just wasn't right. He said they're suing the hospital because they allegedly covered it up. He was doing it in his office at the hospital too and that's why they're suing them.
Howard asked how the guy got him to grow and asked if he used oil or something. The caller said that he was using Vaseline or something like that. He would also stick his finger in their butt to check the prostate. They went for a little longer before Howard cut the guy off and said that he had heard enough.
Howard said that if he were part of that study, the doctor would have had to measure with a microscope. He said that guys tried to molest him but they weren't able to find anything on him. He said that he's like a Barbie doll down there.
Robin got back to her news and read through some news about Hurricane Gustav. She had some audio some people speaking about that. She also had some news about Sarah Palin's 17 year old daughter expecting a child. She had some audio of a spokesperson talking about that situation. She had some audio of Barack Obama talking about the situation as well.
Howard and the guys ended up talking about that caller with the molestation story. Howard was wondering why the parents weren't being blamed for letting their kids be part of a ''growth study.'' He said that maybe the kids should be suing their parents as well.
Robin read a story about a baseball player who cut his fingers off with a saw. She had a story about the action hero movies that helped the box office out this summer. She wrapped up a short time later. Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Gary said that maybe someone slipped someone a Mickey or something. Benjy said that if he did have a concussion it could have caused the vomiting. Jon asked JD what he thought of it. JD didn't have much to add. He said he doesn't know.
Gary said that if it was the first time it happened, he'd probably be okay. It's a cumulative thing though and it's not the first time. Gary said that if it were him, he would have tried to clean up himself and then he would have gone out and bought new sheets for Howard.
Gary said that the part of the story that made him want to vomit was when Howard said the housekeeper found pieces of carrot in the washing machine. That led to Jon playing a clip of Howard talking about the situation and talking to Ralph about why it happened.
JD said that if he were injured like Ralph said he was, he probably would have just stayed home. Gary figured that Ralph would have felt woozy if he had an injury like that. Gary was also saying that Robin wouldn't have let Ralph off the hook either way with that story.
Jon also brought up the party that Howard went to where he played beer pong. Gary said that he loves when Howard discovers something that people do all the time like it's something completely new. Benjy thought it was funny that Howard was only there for 2 hours. He figured he was going to say that he was there until like 3:30 in the morning.
Ralph called in and said that he was supposed to go out there on Sunday to visit Howard. He hurt himself on Saturday and then held off on going out there. The next day he was feeling fine and went out there feeling fine. He said he thinks that maybe it was an after effect from the head injury. He said that it was like a nightmare to wake up with the vomit there. Gary said he was lucky he didn't choke to death. Ralph said it was awful. He hasn't heard Howard's reaction to it yet so he has to wait and hear it.
Jon asked Ralph what he was thinking when he put the sheets in the wash with the stuff still on it. Ralph said he thought he got it all off. He also said that he didn't want to go back to sleep because he was afraid it might happen again.
Benjy asked what the brown stains were. Ralph didn't know but he figured it was just vomit. He said that he felt awful about what happened. He said that he was having a great time until that. Jon asked him if he thinks he's exhausted his visits to his house. Ralph said it's the end of the summer anyway so he doesn't care.
The guys talked to Ralph about JD and his trip to Artie's house with JD. JD was saying he's not paying attention to Jared but other people think he is. He said he really doesn't care. He had a good time down there and did some drinking.
The guys were asking JD about who he hangs with at these parties. JD said he hangs with Jason Kaplan, Steve Brandano and people like that. Ralph said he hung out with him too and they had a good time.
Jared came in and said that he heard that JD wasn't going to go with them in the car when he found out he was going with them. JD said he did ask Jon Hein for a ride down there.
Ralph asked Jared why he'd take his shirt off at a pool party. Gary missed the joke and didn't know he was kidding.
Jon took a couple of calls about Ralph's head injury. One guy thought Ralph was wrong about that but Irish John said it sounds reasonable to him because he had a friend who had something similar happen to him. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Artie spent 40 grand on a party for Robin or if it was just a party that he was throwing. Gary thinks that it was a little bit of both. He said that he knows that Artie wanted to throw a party for Robin and he also wanted to break in the new house.
Benjy figured that 40 grand was about 6 years of JD's rent. JD said that was like his salary. Benjy sounded surprised he was breaking 35 grand.
Jon asked JD how many people were there and if he had to work the party or if he was there as a guest. JD said that he didn't have to work the party. He said there were some single chicks there but most of them were there with guys.
Jon asked Benjy about the web sites that he's been visiting. Benjy said that it's not just one site and he's also been dating some regular chicks too so it's not like that's the only thing he's doing. Benjy said it's actually very easy to meet chicks on the internet. He said the surprising thing is that there are a lot of hot chicks out there who are available.
JD was laughing at Benjy so Jon asked him why he was doing that. JD said he's happy for him. He also said that he's seen some of the people on Myspace so he's not sure how these girls really look.
A caller told JD that maybe he should go and start working out if he's jealous of Jared's body. JD said that he could do that but he would need a trainer to show him what to do. He said he'd need a specific diet and stuff like that.
Jon asked JD if he would use a gym membership if he was given one. JD said he didn't know. He said he'd need that trainer to help him out first. He said he used to work out in High School but he's not sure he could work out in a gym in front of people.
Benjy asked him what he'd rate himself on a scale of 10. JD said he'd give himself a low 5. Benjy wanted him to compare himself to the other guys there but JD didn't want to get into that.
Jon took a call from a woman who asked if JD has had a make over. He has, Beth did it. The woman said that she thinks that JD just needs a little tweaking and they'll do it pro-bono and get him looking good. She told JD to lower his standards a little bit too and just be with a regular girl. JD said that she doesn't know who he talks to, he doesn't talk about it all on the air. JD said he's not interested in this.
The caller, Meg, said that she would get JD a tan and take him out with some other women and she thinks that would help him out. JD said he's not interested. Meg told him he is interested and said he has to go out with them. She said that JD is a real guy and she thinks they could set him up with an awesome girl. She thinks he just needs a little tweaking.
Meg said that she would be up for dating JD if she was single. She's not single so that's not happening. JD said he's not into make overs. He knows that he's ugly, or whatever, so he doesn't want to go through this process. Jon said that he'd take her information even though JD doesn't seem interested. JD said that she can message him through Myspace and he'll check out her friends to see if they're hot.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked Benjy what kind of celebrity status this chick he dated has. Benjy said that the first story was someone who isn't really famous but she has a famous connection to the show. He said that it would be funny if they knew who it was. Benjy said that he has had some run ins with some semi-famous people.
Jon asked JD about his blogging since they were talking about Mike Gange's blogging this morning. JD said it's hard to pass judgment on that when he does it himself. Benjy said that if Howard is being sincere, that's one of the things that bothers him about Howard. If he's not into it he hates it and makes fun of other people for being into it. Benjy said that if Gange likes it he should keep doing it. They spent another minute on that and then had to end the show.
Howard started off the show talking about how he thinks that SIRIUS is the future of radio. Artie asked if the company is now SIRIUS XM or not. Howard said it is but he doesn't like that name. He said that SIRIUS was the dominant one and they were the ones who made XM merge with them. He said that maybe they should call it ''SIRIUS won and XM Lost.'' Artie suggested ''Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.''
Howard said they company went from 8 million listeners to 18 million. They have to work on getting the rest of them to hear this show but they will make that happen eventually. There are still 10 million people that can't hear them yet.
Howard said that they're set up in the studio this morning for ''Beat the Booey'' and they have that show starting on Howard TV this week. Howard said he spent a lot of time on Howard TV recently watching Wack Pack Bowling and some other stuff. He said that on Wack Pack Bowling they did a final episode with the Wack Pack bowling for money.
Howard mentioned some of the other stuff they have coming up on Howard TV as well. Artie said that they have the George Takei bachelor party up there and that's a good one to see. Howard said there are a bunch of shows up there that are worth checking out.
Howard had a bit that the guys created using Al Reynolds and Ronnie the Limo Driver's Scoresman clips. They were very similar in some ways. Artie was laughing his ass off to that and said it was fuckin hilarious. Howard said that Dan the Song Parody Man is hitting a bunch of home runs with that stuff lately.
Howard had a new song parody from the Bleeding Deacons so he played that. It was about Robin and it was ''Nice Boobs'' to the tune of ''Night Moves.'' Howard said he's been singing that all morning after hearing it earlier in the morning.
Howard played a couple of other Baba Booey song parodies as well. Howard said there was one from yesterday that they played a couple of times about Robin licking a sweaty scrotum.
Howard said that they got some feedback about the Dominic Barbara ''Mayday'' call stuff they were doing yesterday. Howard played the mayday message again and got a few laughs from the guys in the studio. Then he went into the song parodies that Dan the Song Parody Man created using that call. Artie was laughing his ass off at the AC/DC ''For Those About To Rock'' with the ''Fire'' clip thrown in. Then there was the Bruce Springsteen ''I'm On Fire'' song parody and ''All By Myself'' with Dominic's ''I'm all by myself'' clip thrown in there.
The caller said that Howard makes a lot of wheels turn there. Howard said he doesn't make the money wheels turn. He said it's up to them to pay Bubba, not him. He said Bubba is doing great on terrestrial radio and knocked the ball out of the park with that. The caller kept talking over Howard so he had to hang up on him.
Howard read through some of the mail he got about that subject and there were some people who agreed with him and others who were calling her an ugly woman. Howard said he never said she was ugly, he finds her kind of attractive actually. Howard said there were some people who were thinking that he was anti-Obama. Howard said there were others who think that he's anti-McCain.
Howard said he read that Rudy Giuliani was scheduled to make a speech at the McCain announcement but then he was off of the list. Howard said that guy has every right to be pissed that he didn't get the nomination. Howard said that guy gave New York City a huge turn around when he was in office.
Howard wondered how some people get passed over for this Sarah Palin woman. Howard said that they have to be freaking out that they didn't get the nomination.
Howard read some mail from some people who think that he only takes calls from people who bash McCain. Howard said he doesn't control who calls in.
Howard read an e-mail from someone who said that Palin is in favor of aerial wolf hunting. That's where they shoot the wolves from an airplane. Artie jokingly said that what people don't realizes is that they have flying wolves up there in Alaska. Howard read another e-mail that said that Palin was trying to get Alaska to secede from the United States.
Howard said that someone wrote in about the chiggers that Richard was talking about yesterday. The writer said that the chiggers don't live in your skin, they inject some crap into your skin and the red welt is your body's allergic reaction to them.
Howard read some stuff about Ralph's vomit story from yesterday's show. Some people think that Ralph will be back at Howard's place eventually because Howard thinks he's good for the show.
Howard said that he hates that Jerry Springer has another hit show. He lucked out with Dancing with the Stars and now he's got this hit show. He said they pick the worst acts on that show.
Gary said there was one guy on the show twirling batons that were on fire. Howard said he tapes the show so he's a day behind on it. Gary said they were raving about the batons thing and he can't imagine watching that but David Hasselhoff was telling him he had an act that would go over great in Las Vegas.
Gary said that he thinks that they shoot the whole season of that ''Don't Forget The Lyrics'' in like 4 days. Howard said he's looking for a gig like that where he can host a game show. He liked what he was hearing about these game show shoots. Artie talked about how great those jobs can be.
Howard said this job on radio is like being in prison. Howard said he wants one of those ''auto pilot'' jobs that those guys have.
Howard said there's a TV show he's really excited about called ''True Blood.'' He hasn't seen it yet but it's about vampires and it's from the creators of ''Six Feet Under'' and he's hoping it'll be good. He said he loves Vampire stuff and he's really looking forward to this show.
Howard said he walks around his house acting like a vampire sometimes. He went into this creepy voice he does as a vampire. He did that for a few seconds. He talked about seeing Ralph's vomit in his washing machine and then said he saw his asshole and wanted to suck the blood out of his hemorrhoids. Howard said that ''True Blood'' starts on Sunday.
Robin said that she saw a TV show promoted as being from the creators of ''Lost'' and she wasn't sure she wanted to see it after that kind of promotion. She's apparently not a fan of ''Lost.''
Howard read through some more e-mail and someone wrote in about George Takei and how Howard seemed to be trying to fuck it all up for him by making him get a pre-nup. Howard said he was trying to help George and not trying to screw up the relationship.
Howard got some feedback about Katy Perry and a bunch of people liked the song she performed. Howard said there were a slew of negative e-mails about her too though. He read through a few of those. One person was telling them to have her ''lip sing'' to the song next time. Howard said that it's ''Lip sync'' not ''lip sing'' you idiot. Howard played the song after reading through some of the mail. After the song Howard said that he liked it and thought she did a great job with it.
Howard told the guy that he wants to see this guy keep and raise a retarded kid because he has no clue how hard it would be. Robin suggested they give him Gary the Retard to take care of for a little while. Howard told the guy that it's about 10 times to the fourth power harder to take care of a retarded baby than it is to take care of a not-retarded baby.
Howard said that this guy was being absurd. The caller said that means he wants to live in a world that wouldn't have a Wack Pack. Howard said that everyone who is on this planet has the right to be respected but he thinks that it's okay to abort a retarded fetus.
The caller said that Howard sounds like a Nazi with this stuff. Howard said that this guy's argument is retarded.
Gary came in and said that it's very hard to raise kids. Howard asked Gary if he would have a baby if he knew it was going to be retarded. Gary said he would not. He said he knows how hard it is to raise normal kids and he knows that it would be much harder to raise a retarded child.
Howard said that Beth doesn't believe in abortion for herself but she does support a woman's right to choose. He said that he's not sure what Beth would do if she found out she had a retarded baby. Howard said he'd be right out the door if she kept it. He said he'd tell her to get an abortion or he'd be right out that door. He hung up on the caller after he asked a dopey question about having a pinhead kid like Beetlejuice.
Howard said they went to the Wack Pack and asked them if they support this Sarah Palin. He played the bit that Sal and Richard created. Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard both commented on the subject. Jeff the Drunk and Big Foot also had some comments on that subject. Big Foot was very angry about that subject and Jeff the Drunk threw out the N-word which came as a surprise to the guys. They had never heard him use that word before.
Howard said that retarded people are put in group homes or worse and they're forgotten about. Howard said the decision is not to be taken lightly and they have to support abortion in this country. Howard said he would do the same thing if he had a retarded baby on the way.
Eric said that if his mother had listened to the doctors, he wouldn't have a brother. Eric said that the doctors told his mother that if she had another baby it might end up like him. That didn't happen and his brother didn't end up like him.
Howard asked Eric if he thinks that his mother would have had him if she knew he was going to be the way he was. Eric said that she would. Artie said his mother wouldn't have even had him if she knew what he was going to be like.
Eric said he hopes that the people that picketed the movie ''Tropic Thunder'' start to picket Howard. Howard said he doesn't understand what they would picket him over. Eric said that he thinks that women who are raped should be allowed to get an abortion but not retarded babies. Howard asked why rape then? Howard said that he's going to picket Eric for the rape abortion thing if he's going to picket him for the other stuff.
Howard said that he hasn't had a good picket since Selena died. He said all he did back then was say that he didn't like her music.
Howard told Eric he respects his opinion, or at least respects his right to one. Eric said that he's going to be voting for Obama. That kind of came as a surprise to Howard. Eric said that he's always wanted to have Obama win to counter the republicans. Howard said he thought Eric was a McCain guy. He figured him as a war hawk.
Howard took a call from a Doctor Landafly (Sal) who wanted to do a late term abortion on Eric. He played some vacuum cleaner sounds and told him to hop in. Eric told him to shut the fuck up. Sal kept telling him to hop into the vacuum when Eric would say anything.
Howard let Eric go and took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who talked about seeing the retarded people up in Willow Brook. Howard said that's a great example of what happens to retarded people who are forgotten about. He said it's not a good life. Mariann said that she doesn't get why people are voting for McCain with this Palin chick on board now. Howard said that a lot of people are still going to vote for McCain even after he picked Palin. Mariann said that she thinks she may not even vote this time.
Howard said he read that McCain met with Palin on a Thursday and picked her as his running mate on a Friday. He said that he didn't spend much time thinking about this woman if he made that choice that quick. Mariann wanted to know if Howard could get his father on the line and ask his opinion on this.
Mariann was happy about Artie being on track with his life now. Howard asked Artie how long he's been sober. Artie threw out ''a year'' but it hasn't been more than a couple of months.
JD came in and said that he's not taking his shirt off. He said he has taken it off for Howard TV before but he's not doing it today. Artie said Mike was actually at his party too. Howard said he guesses that they really have made up then. Artie said that it was just he and Mike who weren't drinking at his party.
Howard had JD take his shirt off and asked him to show them his biceps. JD showed them and Howard said he had some definition. Robin asked where it was because she didn't see it. Howard told JD that he has a big gut so he might just lose this.
JD lifted up his shirt and the guys told him he didn't look that bad. Howard said JD might be able to beat Mike after he saw that.
Johnny said that they had the snake there at the convention and it wouldn't look at anyone in the face. He said that the thing was really huge and really strong. They took it and put it on the bed with Eric and then the snake changed in a moment as soon as it saw Eric and started to rub across Eric's hand like it felt something that it had never felt. Howard said it thought Eric was food. Johnny said there's no question about it and that's exactly what was going on. Howard said that Benjy pictured the snake eating Eric in one bite and shitting out his hair and glasses.
Howard asked Eric why he would trust someone with the snake like that. Eric said he thought the snake liked him. Johnny said that snake would have eaten Eric if they had given it a chance to.
Howard said he's been to strip clubs where the strippers have gimmicks like that and guys just don't care about that shit. He said that chick was hot and she didn't need a snake. Johnny said that the snake knew that Eric was something special and he thinks it wanted to eat him.
Johnny said that Eric thought the snake was being friendly with him. Eric said that's what he thought because it was rubbing on him. Eric said that what they don't see is that he's very calm and not shaking. He said that if your heart rate is normal and you don't show fear, the animal will not attack you.
The snake was looking at Eric and smiling according to Eric. Johnny had him tell the guys that and they got a laugh out of that. Howard said that he had to get going.
Howard played a quick clip of JD on the Wrap Up Show yesterday talking about Jared. Howard said it's like having that movie (Napoleon Dynamite) live and in person. He had to go to break after that.
Ben said he doesn't think that Palin qualifies for this job at all. He said that this election shouldn't reflect on who McCain picks for Vice President. Howard said it does show his lack of good decision making though.
Ben said that if you look at the polls, McCain and Obama are running neck in neck and they need every vote they can get. He thinks that he didn't want to take a chance so that's why they picked this Palin woman.
Howard asked Ben if he thinks that they knew ahead of time that Palin's 17 year old daughter was pregnant. Ben said that he's not sure about that but it's a done thing now and this is what's going to face the American Public. Ben said they could throw her off before the election and they could unearth even more stuff.
Ben said there was someone years ago who was supposed to run for Vice President but they took him off when they found that he had electro-shock therapy.
Howard asked Ben who he's going to vote for. Ben said he's still undecided. He said he's confused about the whole election at this point. Howard said he is too. He said that the reason he doesn't like Palin is the same reason he's shaky on Obama.
Howard said that he can't believe that they passed on all of these other people to pick Palin. Ben said he doesn't understand it either.
Ben was saying that this world is overpopulated right now. He said that Earth can only support so many people and he thinks we're over that right now. He said the land can't keep producing and we're abusing it the way it is now. He said that medicine is what made it possible to over populate this world. Ben said that his mother had 8 children and the first 4 died. That kind of thing rarely happens now because of the advances in medicine.
Howard and Ben spent a couple of minutes talking about all of that stuff. Howard let Ben go a short time later. Howard and Ben said their ''I love yous'' before getting off the phone. Howard said that he's trained his father to say that to him over the years. In the past he wouldn't say that to him even though he knows he does love him.
Gary told Howard to play the song again. Howard tried it again and still screwed it up. Artie wanted to try it but Howard played the rest of the song instead.
Howard wanted to try another one so Gary gave him a couple of choices for The Losers. Howard was going to try and sing along to a song that he performed on the show ''Spirit In The Sky.'' Howard played the song and sang along to it. Once the song stopped he was going to sing but Robin interrupted and ruined it. Howard thought he knew the lyrics but Gary told him he was wrong. He corrected him and Robin said that she didn't ruin the game. Howard told her she did.
Howard picked another category and tried to sing along to ''Feeling Groovy.'' He had some of the words he needed once the song ended. He really didn't know all of the words Gary was looking for. Gary gave them the correct lyrics and no one was even close.
Howard was going to give a caller the chance to win but then he said that no one cared. Howard was going to have Robin play but a couple of phone callers told her not to sing because she was ruining the bit. Howard said he hates this show after having some trouble getting Robin to sing the song. Howard said he wasn't going to go through the song again.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she knows David Bowie so well that she could win. Howard let her play for a set of tickets to Robert Schimmel's show on Thursday night. She said she didn't need a prize. Howard had her play but she screwed up the lyrics just as bad as everyone else did. Howard gave her the Schimmel tickets anyway.
Howard said he's a huge fan of the song that the woman just attempted to sing but he doesn't know the lyrics. He read them and no one seemed to know that's what they really were.
Artie wanted to try one song himself. He attempted to sing the Rolling Stones' ''You Can't Always Get What You Want.'' He sang along to the song and continued the lyrics when the song stopped. He got them right on. Howard said that Artie has some mind there.
Artie said he could do Tiny Dancer too. Howard played that song and let Artie sing along. Artie knew the lyrics to that song and got them right again. Robin knew them too. Artie said that he knows a lot of Bowie but he didn't know that last one that Howard read the lyrics to. Howard said that some guys you can understand like Elton John.
Howard said they were going to play Beat the Booey with a fan and a girl who was going to get naked for them if the guy loses. Howard said they were doing this because they're starting the game show on Howard TV this week. Howard asked Jon if he was going to be hosting it today. Jon said he wouldn't be doing that today but he is the host on Howard TV.
Howard asked if the girl is someone he'd bang. Gary said that she's a little too short for Howard. That led to the guys talking to Jon about chicks that he might be into. Gary said there's just one girl they know he's into. Jon once said that he was into the young intern on ''30 Rock.'' Gary said they found out she just turned 18 so she's a little young.
The guys spent some time talking to Jon about how he doesn't masturbate. Jon claims he doesn't do that but some of the guys don't believe him. Jon has said that he would admit to it if he did.
Howard played one more song for Artie to sing along with. It was a Johnny Rebel song called ''The House Next Door Has Been Sold To nig*ers.'' Artie sang along to it and actually nailed it. Artie said that he listens to that song on the way to Giants games.
Howard played some more of the song but Artie didn't know the lyrics in that part of the song. He said they don't usually play that much of the song. Artie seemed to think the lyrics were pretty amusing though.
Howard said that Jerry scolded the band leader for screwing him up at one point. He played that clip and said that the band sounds like a Catskills band that's about to keel over. Jerry went off on the band telling them that they needed to wait for his cue before playing.
JD came in and said that there were a lot of miscues on the show and it wasn't the band's fault from what he could tell. He said that he thinks that Jerry was mad at the people in the booth and took it out on the band leader.
A caller said that Howard had the ''Mammy'' song wrong and it wasn't a racist song. He gave his explanation but when he and Artie started talking over each other, Howard hung up on the guy.
Howard played a couple more clips of Jerry trying to sing. They weren't getting things right so Jerry was joking about how it was their rehearsal. Howard said that guy is a mad man.
Howard said they have to take a break so they can get to Beat the Booey. He played the theme song and went to break a short time later.
Gary said that JD said that Gary Lewis and the Playboys were missing from the telethon this year. Howard said he was a big fan of theirs.
Howard played a little bit of Celine Dion playing on the show but it was a pre-taped performance according to JD. He said that Jerry did talk to her but it seemed to be a little bit fake to him. Howard played that clip and said that Celine seems to be trying to get rid of that accent she has but can't quite do it. He said she's also got that puss of hers to deal with. Gary called her a butterface after Howard was talking about how she has good legs.
Howard said that conversation between Celine and Jerry was really boring. They ended up goofing on her accent as if she had become Johnny Fratto.
Howard said that Letterman appeared on the show and sang ''War Pigs.'' He played a clip of Evil Dave trying to sing along to that.
Howard also said the had a new ''Guess the Lyrics'' game for Artie to play. He played another racist song but Artie didn't quite get them right. He was close though. Artie said he got the important sentence (the one with the N-word in it).
Howard wanted Robin to play the game too and played another one of the racist country songs. Artie was laughing his ass off at the song so Howard told him to pay attention so he could try to get the lyrics right. He wasn't able to do it though.
Howard asked Gabrielle if she's uptight about getting naked. She said she's not. She also said that she's not a stripper but she does work as a bartender in a bar. Mark said she's used to being ogled in the bar.
Howard prepared for the game by putting on his sunglasses. He asked Mark about how he got started listening. Mark said that he's only 33 but he remembered hearing about Howard when he was listening to the Greaseman. He said that someone turned him on to Howard's show and that's when he started listening. He wasn't able to listen to the show much at that time because he was in 3rd grade.
Howard had Gabrielle get ready by getting naked behind a curtain. He told Mark that they were going to ask question and either he or Gary were going to buzz in and answer the questions. Howard asked Gabrielle how long she was going to take to get naked. She was still undressing. Howard asked her some questions about being bi-sexual and found out she had girlfriend at 16. She said it didn't take too long, about a month or so, before they started licking ''vagines'' as Howard put it. Howard asked whose idea it was. Gabrielle said it was the other girl's idea to do it. She said that she took about a week or so before she went down on the other girl.
Howard asked Gabrielle about licking the asshole accidentally down there. She said she didn't have that problem. She told Howard that the key is to take your time and don't rush. She said that you can be hard with the tongue and maybe more flat than pointy. Howard said he's always pointy. She told Howard to do a little bit of everything down there. Gary said he learned nothing from that conversation.
Gabrielle said that she's been with other girls and also with a man and a woman at the same time. She told Howard some of the stories about how that stuff all went down. Gabrielle said that she was in a hot tub one time when she was messing around with another woman. Howard asked her if she'd pee in the hot tub like Richard Christy did in a pool recently. She said that she would never do something like that. Gabrielle said that she ended up fucking in that hot tub.
Gary asked what happens in the hot tub when the guy finishes. She said that the guy was wearing a condom so his stuff wasn't all over the place. Gabrielle said that she ended up getting out of the hot tub and just bent over the edge of the tub while the guy banged her. She said that it was about a 30 minute session.
Howard said that Mark was trying to win $5,000 courtesy of Howard TV's ''Beat the Booey'' which debuts on September 4th. He ran through these questions unbelievably fast:
Howard gave them some tickets to the Robert Schimmel show but they didn't seem so happy about that. They also gave them a $500 prize even though Gary wanted to get Gabrielle to ride the Sybian. Howard said that this Beat the Booey show on Howard TV is very good. He spent a short time talking about that.
Gary pointed out that Gabrielle had some diamond piercings on her belly. Howard checked those out and asked her a few more questions. Howard asked Gabrielle if she was going to get together with Mark and his wife. She said that wasn't her plan and she wasn't getting together with Mark either.
Richie Wilson wanted to get Gabrielle to do some stuff with a cupcake. Howard said that it was kind of cool when Richie would say that stuff when he was 20 but now it's kind of creepy. Richie wondered if he could spray her down with Pam. She let him do that and Richie said that he thought she looked good all shiny. The guys goofed on Richie about that comment. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard wanted to read the obituary but he wasn't able to find the paper. Jason was printing him out another copy according to Gary. Fred found it and read the article to Howard. They say that Don was a writer until one day when he had to step in and do the read himself.
Howard said he's been jealous of those guys too because their jobs are so great. He died of a collapsed lung so he's wondering if he was a smoker. Robin said he probably did. Howard said he doesn't get why people like that would smoke.
Artie said that there are only two guys like that and they get paid like $20 million a year. Howard said he's not sure if Don did his movie trailer or not.
Artie said that Norm MacDonald had a story about Don Pardo at Saturday Night Live. He said that Norm saw him get like 600 checks from various jobs that he had and he was stamping his name on them all.
Howard said he kind of has a deep voice but he doesn't have the right delivery to do something like LaFontaine did. Howard tried doing some of the announcements but it wasn't working. Artie threw one in using the ''The House Next Door Was Sold To nig*ers'' lyrics. Howard said that song is really fucked up. He talked about living in Roosevelt and how there were some people who would claim that they weren't black, they were Indian.
In the clip Gange was telling JD to lighten up and have some fun. Howard said that Gange was beating up on JD and goofing on him. Howard said JD didn't want to do gay singing like Gange was doing. Artie said that JD didn't even know the lyrics to those songs.
Artie said he would have been pissed because he would have wanted to hear the song and not Gange singing. Howard played a few more clips where they were all singing. It was JD, Jared, Mike Gange, High Pitch Mike and Tracy the office manager in the car singing that crap.
Steve said they have some comments from Sam Simon who is worried about Bob Levy fighting Danny Bonaduce. Steve said that Bob isn't worried.
Artie said that Sam would know because he works with boxers all the time. Artie said that Sam actually asked him to box him one time. He said he was going to do it but Norm told him that Sam knows boxing and he was supposed to go up against Chris Penn at one point.
Steve said that they have some news about Scott Harrison, the photographer that shot Eric the Midget in Las Vegas. They also have some news about the surviving Jesus Twin, Jeffrey Liebowitz, who is trying to get a record deal. He still thinks that the music will be influential some day.
Steve said that KC Armstrong has had charges dropped against him for the rental car that he kept for a few months too long. KC doesn't have a place to live right now either.
Artie said that he spoke to KC on the phone one night and he was working as a body guard for some escorts and it was really weird. He said that it was really dark and he was kind of depressed when he got off the phone.
Jon Hein came in next and read through his Wrap Up Show list. He ran through the stuff they were going to try and cover today.
Howard said it would be great if Artie picked up a hooker some day and KC ended up being the body guard. Artie said that would be strange. He said he'd probably offer KC extra money just to leave. He said that he does have a contact out there in L.A. now but he never does that stuff out there. That's only in Vegas apparently.
Artie said that KC was telling him he should have a place to live soon but right now he doesn't. He said that he doesn't act that odd around him usually but now he's starting to do that.
Artie offered to be Howard while Howard played his mother answering that call. They went through that for a short time. Howard played his mother at first and she didn't understand what ''Howard'' was asking her to do. She put Ben on the phone. Howard, as Ben, got on the line and Artie tried explaining it to him. Howard's mom got right back on the line and complained about what happened the last time they were there at SIRIUS. Artie, as Howard, kept explaining to her that he was sorry about that and it wouldn't happen again. Howard and Artie did that for a couple of minutes with Artie saying that he was going to go blow his head off as he was getting off the line with Howard, as Ray.
Howard said that if he does it on the air he doesn't mind doing it. If it's off the air it's just horrible. He said he'd rather just break into their house at night and install the line while they're out. Robin said they still wouldn't have someone to set it up for them the next day though.
Howard played a prank call Sal made to a cab company using clips of Ray Stern complaining about the car not coming to pick her up. That led to Howard talking about how miserable he was that day when his mother got so upset about the way she was treated. Howard said that they made his life miserable by not sending that car to pick her up on time.
Howard said that he really doesn't want to put in that ISDN line in his parent's house but he can't make them come down there.
Howard took a call from his mom, audio clips, and she was saying that she didn't want to do it. She was also talking about taking his temperature anally and that he looks like a mongoloid. Howard said that they did say that he looked like a mongoloid when he was born.
Eric said that there was another photographer that took pictures that they'll get soon. He said they're way fuckin' better than the other pictures. Howard said he'll compare them but he loves these pictures. Eric said the guy is a ''fuckin' hack.''
Howard was going to let Eric go but Eric had other things to say. Howard ended up asking Artie about his sobriety and if he's trying to lose weight. Artie said that he's kind of doing that. He was also sweating like crazy so Howard asked what's up with that. Artie said that he's trying not to take his Subutex and he's weaning himself off of it and that's why he's sweating like he is. He's kind of going through minor withdrawals. He said he wants heroin but he's not taking it and he's trying to stay off the Subutex.
Artie said he showed Howard something earlier from Amazon.com. He said if you type in keywords like ''Baby Gorilla, Fat, Heroin, Drunk, Bloated, Bank Robber, Homophobe, fireman does Dana, Teddy Beater'' and some other stuff, his book will come up.
Howard played some Don LaFontaine movie trailer announcing. He had a couple from Terminator and Batman trailers. Howard said that he'd love that job. He attempted to do some of them himself. Robin said that Don was in a Geico commercial recently too. Howard played one where Don read for Godfather II.
Eric the Midget called back in and said that he was trying to get in a plug for his store site and Howard hung up on him. Howard said that everyone is going to want to go there and buy photos. Eric tried to get in the plug again but Artie kept talking over him. Howard told Eric to go ahead and plug the site. He said you can find it at JFSC.tv/ETA. Howard let him get in the plug and thanked him for calling in. Artie told him to go fuck himself. The guys were saying they thought Eric said ''back hash'' or ''back flash'' instead of ''back slash'' when he got in the plug. Eric insisted it was back slash. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Robin said that she and Gregg (from Howard TV) are fighting over this thing. Robin said that Gregg was upset that he didn't get invited to Artie's party. Artie said he invited him. Robin told him that Gregg said he wasn't invited.
Robin got into her news and asked Howard if Jon Bon Jovi told him all of this good stuff he's doing. Howard said he did actually tell him that he was building some houses or something. He talked about the discussion he had with Jon at a party he was at recently. He also talked about how Jon's wife Dorothea walked right past him at the party so he had to ask her to say hi to him.
Robin read the story about Bon Jovi and how he's helping to get some low income housing built in the Philly area. Howard said that he wants to have a polygraph set up at his wedding to find out if people really like him. He wants to test Dorothea to make sure she actually does like him.
Robin read a story about David Letterman talking about how he'd like to stick around past 2010. He mentioned that in a Rolling Stone article where he also mentions Howard.
The Letterman story led to Howard talking about how Letterman's people want him to come back on the show. He's not sure he has anything to talk about though. He said the merger is something but he wants to make a really big deal out of that whole thing. He came up with some ideas for what he'd like to do there and talked about breast feeding Sarah Palin's retarded baby. He figured that they'd get a ton of subscribers if he could do that.
Robin read a story about Tiger Woods having another baby with his wife. Robin said that they like to show these mixed couples with babies in the news.
Artie told a story about a family that he knew where this girl had a mixed race baby and the family didn't say anything to her about it. The mother denied that it was a black baby and it was actually just Italian. Artie said that they were all in denial about it or something. He said his friend had to go to the family and get them to just admit to it and get it out in the open.
Howard played the Sal apology clip where he explained his comments about white women not usually having sex with black men.
Robin read a story about college kids thinking that prescription drugs are more safe than illegal drugs. She had a story about suicides being on the rise, Sarah Palin's run for the vice presidency and some other things. Robin said that Sarah Palin was born in 1964. Howard said he feels old knowing that these people running for President are younger than he is. They had to take a break around 10:15am.
After the break Robin got back to her news and talked a little more about Sarah Palin. Ralph called in and said that there's a picture of Palin wearing a stars and stripes bikini while holding a gun. Howard said she seems to want to be ''one of the guys'' so bad that she's doing all of this weird stuff. Howard said he got a note from one of the guys that says the photo was a fake. They took a look at it and they all said it looked faked.
Howard said that High Pitch Mike showed up and said he wanted to prove he's got a better physique than JD does. Mike came in and said they dragged him in there and he didn't want to do that at all. He figured that both he and JD were pretty equal. Howard said that they could have them take their shirts off and see who Robin vomits quicker for.
Mike was willing to take his shirt off but he didn't want it on the web. He lifted it up and Howard said that he thinks he might be better than JD. Robin agreed and said that he was fine. Howard asked him to take his pants off too and then realized he was still on the air.
Robin got back to her news and had Howard playing some clips of some politicians talking about Sarah Palin. She also asked the guys if they know what John McCain's middle name is. Howard didn't know it but it was Sidney. Robin had some other stories about McCain and the stuff he's been through in his life. He's been involved in a few airplane accidents and has had many brushes with death.
Robin had some audio of President Bush talking about John McCain. She had some other clips of some people talking about McCain and Palin as well.
Robin read some news about Venus and Serena Williams taking each other on in a tennis match. Howard said he's not interested in tennis anymore. He said he used to love it. Robin told him there are some incredible tennis players right now and he should watch.
Robin read a story about Nicolas Cage's new movie ''Bangkok Dangerous'' which got Artie doing his Beavis and Butt-Head impression for a few seconds. Robin also had some audio of David Hasselhoff from ''America's Got Talent'' that she had Howard play before she ended her news. Howard ended the show around 10:40am.
Gary said that Mark was going for broke at the end and he ended up losing a lot of points. Will came in and talked about what he knew about Gabrielle and Mark. Gary said he heard that they met on Long Island even though Mark was from Colorado and Gabrielle was from Long Island. They found that to be a little bit odd.
Jon brought up how creepy the guys thought Richie was today asking Gabrielle to do some odd things. Gary said that the creepiest is when Doug Goodstein does it because he has a very young daughter. Jon said that he thinks that Will likes to have fun with the girls like that too. Will said he thought that guys were supposed to change when they had daughters but apparently he was wrong about that.
Richie Wilson came in and said that he wasn't bothered by what Howard said about him today. Doug was also in so Jon asked him about having the daughter and if he has changed at all. Doug said that he used to come on the air more with that stuff but now he just tells Will what he's thinking over his headset. Will said there's nothing creepier than hearing Doug whispering in his headset.
Benjy said he remembers and idea they never did that was really creepy. they wanted to put a girl on the street and have a grope booth. Gary said that Benjy has pitched that idea at the meetings about half a dozen times. Gary said that guys would be allowed to grope the girl. Richie said that he was the first one to pitch that idea many years ago. Gary said that Benjy has pitched it a bunch of times though and he does that with a lot of ideas.
Benjy said that Howard forgets about that stuff and he will think something is horrible one week and brilliant a couple of weeks later. Gary asked Benjy if he would fuck someone live on the show. Benjy seemed like he was up for it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he loved the Beat the Booey game. He also liked the news. He was kind of out of breath so Gary asked him if he was on a treadmill or something. The guy said he was just up all night and he was wired from that. The guy asked Benjy what web site he was using to get laid. Benjy told him to just go on the internet. Benjy said he's done with that stuff and he's just dating regular girls now.
Richie asked Benjy what he finds to be too creepy. Benjy said that he thought that spraying Pam on a girl is weird but it actually kind of works and it was kind of sexy.
Jon took another call from a woman who thought the game show moved along very fast and asked if that's the way it goes on the Howard TV show goes. Gary told her that they do it a little slower and they have more contestants. He said that they did it in the same kind of way but at a much faster past today.
The woman, who was kind of fast paced herself, thought that the contestant was kind of confused about the game. Doug said that the Beat the Booey show will be airing tonight after Midnight on Howard TV.
Gary said that you'll see as the shows go on that he was arguing about the questions that they were asking on the show. Gary said that he's very competitive in these things.
Jon played a clip where Mark answered one question about Fred's favorite motorcycle. That led to Gary saying that the guy was wrong when he answered the question and corrected himself after he got it wrong.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Robin always gets put down for her singing but she did an incredible job today when she sang one of the songs. Gary said that Robin can sing better than most of them on the show. Will said she's got a limited range though and things can get ugly when she's out of that range.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he's good with games sometimes but he was getting some of the lyrics wrong in today's game. Gary said he did pretty well on the real game show but he can't say how much he won. He did it for a charity.
Will asked Gary if he ever got pissed that he wasn't getting the money that he was playing for. Gary said he didn't get upset because he went out there doing it for the charity from the start.
Gary said that there was a song today that he saw where the lyrics were really off from what he knew it as. He said that he's been singing a different line for the past 20 years.
The guys talked about some of the songs that Artie was singing and how he can remember some stuff like he's got a photographic memory.
Jon asked Gary if he feels better about the way he did on the game after watching Howard and Robin trying to do it today. Gary said he does.
A caller asked Gary if he thinks that Howard is still getting tired of Eric the Midget's bullshit. Gary said he thinks that Howard will get tired of Eric eventually but right now he's not tired of him because he's taking the calls almost every day. Benjy said that he thinks that Eric is one of the most integrated Wack Packers that gets on the show. Gary said he doesn't think that's really true. He said that there are others who have been on quite a bit.
The caller said that it seems like Ralph is on a lot too and it's almost like it's all Ralph and Eric calls these days.
Another caller asked why they changed ''Stump the Booey'' to be a trivia game. Gary said that Stump the Booey and Beat the Booey are two different games. The caller was also asking for a Friday show this week because they've been taking off so much time lately. Gary said he would mention it to Howard but he didn't expect him to come in this Friday.
Jon also asked JD if he feels better about his not singing in the car now that Howard has defended him. JD said he does feel better. He talked about how awful that trip was with everyone singing and changing the station so quick.
JD said that he doesn't know all of the words to those songs they were singing. He said he listened to rock radio a lot when he was in Florida but he didn't remember the lyrics. JD started to talk about what he listened to when he was living somewhere else so Gary cut him off saying that he didn't need his whole history.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he'd love to see JD take on Jared in a game of ping pong or something. That led to the guys asking JD if he would live with Jared for a month if they paid him 5 grand. JD said he's not sure if he would do that.
Mike Gange called in and said that he doesn't know why Howard was so angry at him for being mean to JD. He said that JD looked really angry in the car and he was trying to get him to lighten up. Gange said that he was just trying to liven JD up a little bit. JD said he doesn't need anyone livening him up.
Gange said that JD told them that he was miserable in the car. JD said he never said that. High Pitch Mike came in and said that he's not sure if JD wasn't singing because Jared was in the car or what. JD said that wasn't it, he just doesn't know the lyrics.
Gange said that JD was very angry about all of that stuff. Will asked JD to explain his feud with Jared again. Mike said that JD shot him a look like he wanted nothing to do with Jared at the party. JD said he just wants the whole thing left alone. He's not friends with Jared and he wants people to drop it. JD said that they're all fucking with his head and he's not sure what's going on there.
Ralph called in and asked why people don't just leave JD alone. He said that they should let him sit there and be miserable. He also suggested they do a Big Brother type of show where they put everyone in a house with cameras on them. Gary didn't know the show very well and asked Ralph to explain it. The guys talked about how Ralph and JD are really into that show. Ralph said he bailed on the show when the muscle head got voted off this season. They spent another minute on that and then went to break.
Jon said that Will had a B-list for his wedding and Scott apparently didn't make it on that list. Will said he wanted to invite him but his fiancee doesn't know him at all so there's no reason to have him there.
Gary said that at the old place it was like Scott wasn't there because he was locked up in his studio all the time. Now he's a little closer to everyone but they still forget about him.
Will said that Scott does seem a little perturbed that he's not invited but he can't do anything about that. Gary said that Scott feels like he's been forgotten once again. Benjy said he wasn't forgotten though. He was just left out this time.
Will said that Scott doesn't care about him or his wife, he just cares that there's a party going on. Will said that he didn't invite any of the news team or anyone like that. He said that Scott is really the only one from the show that he left out.
Gary asked Will if he's nervous about this wedding. Will said he's really not. Gary said he wasn't nervous until they got to the church and everything hit him at once. He said that it was the emotion of the moment that got to him. Jon told Will that the enormity of it will hit him at some point.
Will said that he's been put on drinking limits by his family and fiancee. Gary said that he went to a wedding once where the father was put on a drinking limit because there had been some incidents in the past.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that JD is kind of sorry and he should get himself into shape and stop hating Jared. JD said that he's not angry at other good looking people. The caller told JD he hates Jared just because he's good looking. The guy said he likes the way JD talks. The guy was saying that he doesn't believe that Benjy is getting laid and he's making it all up. Benjy told him he was right.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that JD's arm wrestling episode is one of the best ever on Howard TV. He said that he has a lot of fans out there and people really like him. He was also saying that he has a hot chick ready to go for a Stump the Booey game. This guy actually won against Gary but he has another hot chick to get naked if they want to do it again. Gary told the guy he can't fund all of his ho's.
Gary said that if it's done correctly, all they would have to do is turn on one button and they'd be on the air from their house. He said he gets why Howard isn't looking forward to that call though. Gary said that it would be easiest to get them in the studio to do the whole thing but they'd have to get up at 5 in the morning to make that happen.
Jon brought up the discussion they had about abortion and amniocentesis. Gary said that his wife is for abortion for women who need to have them done but she would never do it herself. They spent a short time on that.
Gary said he was trying to think of anyone on the show who is against abortion. He said that he's not sure that Scott DePace is even against it. He wasn't able to come up with anyone else there who was that against it.
Will was saying that he thinks that abortion being used as a form of birth control is horrible. He said that he gets that people who are raped want to get one but not to do it as birth control. He said that adoption is another option for those people who can't raise a kid.
Jon brought up the discussion they had about Artie sweating and how he said that he was weaning off the Subutex. Benjy said he's glad that he's trying to clean himself up like that. Gary said that Artie was wearing a jacket today and maybe he should have taken it off to help him out with the sweating.
A caller asked the guys for some advice on fantasy football team names and threw out a few Stern references. No one really liked the names he threw out. They threw the guy some other names like Hein's 80 Blow Jobs or Hein's 80. There was ''Christy's Chiggers'' or ''Captain Sack'' or things like that.
Jon brought up the Jerry Lewis Telethon clips that Howard played. Gary said that for younger people out there they may not even know what that is. Gary said that the telethon was a big deal when he was growing up because there were so few channels to watch. He said that the telethon would go a little long every year and it would always break the record of the year before. He said that in it's day it was a huge event.
Jon asked JD if he was cracking up the whole time he was pulling the clips. JD said that he really wasn't because it was kind of a let down this year. He said that he's seen the acts they do every year over and over again. He said that Jerry Lewis' daughter is looking good these days though.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he had an idea for a contest where the former Losers take on newer Losers like AJ Benza, Jackie the Joke Man and Stuttering John. Gary said that they do have a bit coming up soon called ''World's Biggest Loser'' and they have Pete Best, Brian Dunkleman and Jackie as the judges.
A caller asked JD if he would take on Jared in a tough man competition. JD said that he used to work out when he was in high school but then he got involved in drama and he got all fucked after that. He said he was thrown off ever since then and he hasn't gotten back into it. They had to end the show after that.
Howard started off the show saying they were supposed to have Dr. Phil's son on the show today but he canceled last night at about 11. They told Gary that he had a double booking and had to cancel. Howard figured he was freaking out and just changed his mind. Howard said he would have had a good time with the kid if he had come in.
Artie said he met that kid once and hung out with him. He said that Dr. Phil was on the Norm Show one time and the kid came to the taping. He had a smoking hot chick with him too. Howard said she was one of the Dahm triplets. He read about that in the research they did on him.
Robin said that John the Stutterer tried to date those girls too. Howard went into his John the Stutterer impression for a second.
Artie said that his assistant quit so his driver has been getting his e-mail for him. He said that she didn't quit because of anything bad. Howard said he didn't hear anything scandalous but he did hear that she quit. Artie said that she had just gone through something personal and she had to leave. He said that he was very nice to her and she was the one actually yelling at him. He said that it's been very hectic lately and she was under a lot of pressure.
Artie said that they had to rush to get his book out and they were having him finish it in 8 days and he was also going through the whole heroin thing. He said she was very sad for him and that was traumatic for her as well.
Howard told Artie he has to get an assistant that has experience in the system. This girl didn't have any. Artie said he knows that. He said that Teddy is actually amazing at what he does as his road manager. He's willing to pay top dollar for an assistant.
Artie said that he had his assistant helping him out that day he was supposed to fly to the Bob Saget roast and she saw what kind of shape he was in. He said that he was a mess that morning and he was wearing boxer shorts and no shirt and he was sweating. He said she almost cried because of that stuff. He said she was really upset for him and worried.
Howard asked how long she worked for him. Artie said it was a couple of months. He said it was a good run for him. He can't even get his own e-mail without an assistant. He said he has a nice laptop somewhere but he can't find it.
Howard said that Artie doesn't know how to type so he can't e-mail. He thinks that's why he doesn't bother with the computer. Robin said that texting is even worse though and he does that.
Artie said that the only way he can relate to people is to be funny so he puts pressure on himself to write something funny when he responds. Howard said that David Spade does that in his e-mails and voice mails. Artie said he wanted to put out an album of Spade's voice mails because they're so funny. Howard said he feels pressure to say something funny back to David and he's pretty sure he offended him with his last response.
Howard said that he asked Spade if he was too busy being a dad when he told him that he wasn't able to do something. He said that Spade wrote back ''Ha.''
Howard said that Artie announced his assistant on June 3 of this year so that's how long she lasted with him. Not even 3 months. Howard said she must have bolted out of there like someone on The Munsters. Artie said that he was a mess that morning that she came over to help him out.
Howard said he can't see why Angie isn't married. He said that she was normal around him and he can't imagine that she's a whacko or anything. He doesn't get why she's with all of these strange guys she's with either. Howard said that he's not sure what's going on there. Howard said she should hook up with someone normal and maybe not date these people in show business like she's doing.
Howard said that maybe Angie feels she has to have someone famous or something. He said that she needs someone like a surgeon or something like that. He said that every hot chick has a shelf life and you have to strike when you can. He said that they eventually dry out, like wheat. Howard said that he gets hotter as time goes on.
The caller asked if Howard saw Sarah Palin on TV last night. Howard said he forgot about it and was watching ''America's Got Talent'' instead. That led to the guys talking about what they've heard about Palin's speech and how she apparently impressed everyone.
Artie said they were passing around the retarded baby at that convention like a hot potato. They said that the 7 year old kid was licking her hands and matting down the retarded kid's hair. He said he wondered why she would be doing that and getting saliva all over him.
Howard said that baby might be cute now but some day it's going to grow up to be like Gary the Retard and no one is going to want to lick their hand to mat down the hair.
Howard said that if you have a baby and you give it to the rest of the family to hold all the time it shows the kids that it's good to have kids at a young age. He said he saw that the kid who knocked up the 17 year old daughter was being embraced like he was royalty. He said he's like a superstar now.
The caller told Howard he has to see the chest on the daughter because they're huge. Artie asked the guy if he said that Angie was ''choked out'' by her former boyfriend. The caller said that's what he heard. Artie figured that means that she passed out by being choked. Howard said he doesn't know about all of that. He said he does have to talk to her about that stuff though.
Double A asked if he could come in to see Beth one more time before she gets married. Howard said that's getting a little old. He said that he might have him in though. He didn't sound so sure about that though.
Artie said he heard some report about Beth were she was training with this guy and he wondered if Howard is keeping an eye on that guy. Howard said that he's kind of sick of the training. He said that she's running like 18 miles a day lately. He said that she's looking really good from all of this running she's doing though.
Howard said that he's not so happy about her abusing herself the way she is. He said that she's tired all the time after these runs. She did a run about 15 miles last weekend and she had to drink cup after cup of coffee to keep herself up because she's so tired.
Howard said that she wasn't even able to stay up last night to have sex. He said she fell asleep during ''America's Got Talent'' and she wasn't able to get herself out of bed.
Howard said that Beth is on her web site every minute making sure the donations are coming in and he really doesn't like all of this stuff.
Howard said that Beth has a calming effect on him and she keeps him under control. He said that yesterday he heard about David Letterman's mention of him in a Rolling Stone article. He said he likes to know that Dave mentioned him in this interview he did. He said that Dave didn't bring him up in the interview though. He said that the reporter did and the comments weren't all that glowing.
Howard read the article to Robin where Dave was responding to a question about the energy he feels in the studio when he has a guest like Howard on. He threw in a few other names as well. Then Dave responds with some comments about Howard and how he's just a goofball like everyone else. Howard said he wasn't so thrilled with that.
Robin said that Howard is overreacting a little too much for that. Artie agreed with Robin on that and thought it was a positive comment. Robin said that Dave didn't know what to think of Howard until he showed up on the show. Their comments seemed to calm Howard down. Howard said that Beth was trying to calm him down about that last night too.
Howard said he always wants more and he wanted Dave to say that he brings an electricity to the show that very few people do. He was hoping that Dave would say something very glowing about him.
Howard said the reporter flattered him by mentioning his name with Bill and Hillary Clinton. He said that was very nice but he doesn't know who the reporter was.
Howard had some audio of Sarah Palin to play. He played one where she talks about the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull... which is ''lipstick.''
Howard said that some female politicians can sound like they're whining when they're making speeches. Palin didn't seem to be like that. Robin said they can sound kind of droning as well. Howard played some more clips of her talking and getting cheers from the crowd that were overwhelming.
Howard said that Bubba had a bit on his show yesterday that was really funny. He said that he wishes he had it so he could play it. He said that it was pretty funny. Gary said that Scott was working on pulling the clip.
Howard played some more of the Sarah Palin clips and said that she has a natural type of speech up on stage. He said she's not affected which is a good thing for a politician. At one point the crowd was booing something she brought up. JD came in and said that they were booing NBC because they all seem to hate NBC for some reason.
Howard said he's not sure why they hate NBC but it's probably MSNBC or something that they hate. Howard said that the Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh's out there hate NBC and he's not sure why.
In another clip Palin said she's going to Washington to serve the good people of this country and not to impress the press out there. Howard said that he knows how hard it is to speak publicly and that was an A+ speech from what he heard. He said that everything is based on how well you perform on camera as well as how good of an administrator you are. Howard said that most of the CEOs out there would be horrible public speakers.
Artie said that he had to do a corporate gig one time and he had to follow a 45 minute speech from some CEO of Kodak and it was the most boring speech he's ever had to sit through. He said Howard is right about it being like death.
Howard played some more clips from Palin's speech and said that he had a bunch of stuff to get to this morning. They have a few guests coming in like Jerry O'Connell and Dave Stewart from the Eurithmics. He said that he's got some wild stories to tell them. Howard said that the guy has a bunch of LSD stories and stuff like that.
Howard said that Eric is of small stature and it could have been a horrible death if the snake wanted to eat him. Eric said that Johnny Fratto wanted to buy the snake and release it in his apartment. Eric said they were going to put cameras in the house to watch that. He said it wouldn't be for the JFSC thing.
Howard said that he wouldn't feed the snake and they'd have to avoid the snake. He said that season 1 would be Eric and the snake and season 2 would just be ''The Snake.'' At one point Artie called Eric ''snake food.'' Howard thanked Eric for his call and hung up on him as he was about to say something. Artie told Howard he's going to get an angry call in a few minutes about that.
Howard said that Jerry O'Connell is there so he has to get to him. He said that he knocked up Rebecca Romijn which wasn't a smart thing in his opinion. He said he heard that Jerry isn't getting laid at all. He said they're having twins too. Howard said that Jerry isn't even allowed to play video games because Rebecca has so many rules in the house. They went to break a short time later.
Eric said ''Asshole!'' as Howard was hanging up on him. Howard said that no one else will even take his phone call and he's calling him an asshole.
Howard said that Will is off for his wedding this morning so JD is in charge of his fruit. He said that JD tried bringing it in but it ended up all over the floor. JD apologized for that.
Howard congratulated Jerry about getting Rebecca pregnant. Jerry said that they're going to have two girls or two boys with very small genitals.
Howard asked Jerry if he's worried about his wife gaining weight. Jerry said he's more worried about having healthy kids. Howard asked if he thinks his kids are going to be chubby. Jerry said he's not sure about that.
Howard heard that they may name one of the girls after Dolly Parton. Jerry said that Rebecca is a big fan of Dolly Parton and they may end up naming one of the kids after her. Artie said it's going to be tough on the kid to have huge breasts like Dolly. Jerry said that Rebecca is very well endowed so it shouldn't be that bad.
Howard asked Jerry if the Dolly Parton thing freaks him out. Jerry said it really doesn't because he gets to name the other kid and he may just name her Cher.
Howard said that what scares him is that Rebecca is calling the shots in the house. He said that Jerry has to wake up an hour early in the morning to play video games. He has to change his TV viewing habits because of Rebecca. Jerry said that they're a lot of the same shows that Howard watches and he enjoys them. He said if he were alone he would probably watch something else though.
Howard said that Jerry really wanted to come to his wedding. Rebecca has announced that she will be pregnant and she will be on bed rest so she can't go to the wedding. Jerry wanted to go alone but Howard thinks that Rebecca shot that down. Howard asked how Rebecca knew that she was going to be on bed rest this far in advance.
Jerry said that Rebecca is going to be in bed because of doctor's orders. Howard said that's just not true because the doctors wouldn't tell her that at this point in her pregnancy. She said it a month ago and she was barely pregnant back then.
Jerry said that Howard has put him in a very awkward spot. He said that you should probably cover all areas of this situation and that's all he wanted to say. John Stamos is going to be at the wedding and Howard thinks that might be the issue. Jerry said that there may be certain areas that he doesn't want to go into.
Jerry said that there are things that you just don't want to touch or have anything to do with. He wasn't saying it was Stamos but that's what it sounded like. Jerry said that they did buy Howard and Beth a gift but they just can't come. He said he's sad he can't come though.
Howard said that even Beth said that it was total bullshit that Rebecca was going to be on bed rest. Howard said that excuse is just not good. Jerry said that it is doctor's orders and that's what he's sticking with. Howard said that Jerry is a bad liar.
Howard asked Jerry if it was Stamos that was keeping them from being there. Jerry said he didn't want to go there. Jerry asked him to please let it go. He said they just want to wish them the best. Howard figured he was just phony like everyone else.
Howard said that he doesn't mind if they don't show up but they don't have to lie about the bed rest thing. He said they could have just said they didn't want to be there because Stamos is going to be there. Jerry said he just doesn't want to say anything.
Howard said that his wedding has caused something so top secret to go down that he can't go to the wedding. Jerry said that he would love to be there but it's just not going to happen. He said that he doesn't want to cause any stress for Howard either.
Howard said he thinks that Rebecca got a hold of Jerry and put him in his place. Jerry said that maybe it wasn't his wife who had everything to do with this. He also changed the subject and said that he thinks that Rebecca likes Beth even more than she likes Howard. Howard said that maybe she was afraid to compete with Beth at the wedding. Jerry said that she just likes her.
Howard figured that Rebecca didn't want to be seen at the wedding all pregnant and she didn't want to see John Stamos there. Howard said she doesn't need bed rest, she's as strong as a horse.
Howard said that the last time Jerry was on the show he did the Wrap Up Show and talked about how Rebecca punched him and knocked him to the ground one time. Jerry said that he loves going on that show and they're really being funny these days. They're really loose and they have a lot of fun on that show.
Howard played the clip of Jerry talking about getting punched after he lied to Rebecca about something. He told the guys she punched him in the neck and it knocked him out and threw off his heart rate.
After playing the clip Howard asked Jerry if the fighting bothers him. Jerry said that it really doesn't because his parents fought when he was a kid. Howard said they have the same words coming from Nicole Simpson back in 1990 too.
Jerry said that he probably shouldn't have talked about that stuff on the Wrap Up Show. He said that he did lie to her and he shouldn't have done that. Jerry said that he hasn't been hit since that time. Howard asked Jerry if they need to step in and do something. Artie said that he's like ''Jerry Heda Nussbaum.'' Robin said she can see the divorce papers now.
Howard said that he dated a girl one time who smacked him. He said that he felt like his jaw was going to fall off. He said he took her aside and told her that if she ever laid a hand on him again that he'd haul off and punch her in the face so hard she was going to see stars. He said she never did it again after that. Howard said he wanted to hit her after she slapped him.
Jerry said that he was afraid for life after that punch. Then he said he was just kidding about that and didn't want Rebecca to get upset about that. Jerry said it was just the one time that he got hit.
Howard asked Jerry about his lack of a sex life at this point. Jerry said that people tease you with the pregnancy sex and he has no desire to do it at this point. He said he does want sex but Rebecca isn't all that interested in it at this point. He said that he's not forcing himself on the woman who is pregnant with his twins.
Jerry said that he did inquire about tittie fucking but he's never done that before. Howard said that he's done that but it hurts his penis. Howard said that Robin's breasts are ideal for something like that.
Howard asked Jerry if he's masturbating now. Jerry said that he is watching some porn now, yes. He said he was going to stop watching porn years ago but now he's back to it. Howard asked him about how long it's been since he had sex. Jerry said that it's not true that he hasn't had any, it's just not as frequent. Howard asked why she can't just jerk him off. Jerry said he inquired about that too but it's just not happening.
Howard asked Jerry about what kind of magazines he's reading. Jerry said that he likes to see close ups of vaginas and he has no desire to see dudes. He said that's pretty much all he cares about so he watches stuff with close ups of vaginas.
Jerry said that sometimes you see fat around the vagina and you know that she's fat if she's got pussy fat. Artie said there was a magazine called ''Assholes and Pussies'' that was out years ago.
Howard asked Jerry what the site is that he goes to. Jerry said he didn't want to plug that site. He said that it's all free porn. Gary asked if it was youporn.com. Jerry said that might be it. Jerry said it's like YouTube but with porn.
Gary said they found a picture of Jerry with a big mark on his neck and asked if that was from the punch. Jerry said that was a doctored photo and it wasn't from the punch.
Howard asked Jerry how many times he's masturbating a week. Jerry said he can do it 3 times a day and he's 34 years old. Howard said he could do that when he was that age.
Howard brought up the David Duchovny story and talked to Jerry about that. Howard said that some people think that David is in sex addiction rehab because he may have been cheating on his wife. Howard said that he's probably just getting bored out there in Hollywood. Jerry said he met David and he has an air about him that women just like. He said that he's like Jared.
Howard asked Jerry about another problem he had with his wedding. He said that they told people to go to this web site to donate to a wildlife charity. He said that when you tell people to donate they think that you don't know how much they give. He said that people are being cheap because they think that the donation isn't going to be known. Howard said he heard that Jerry was worried and gave more money than he wanted to. Jerry said he did and he gave $500. He said that he would have given $25 if he knew Howard wouldn't know. He said he was just joking about that.
Howard gave Jerry some plugs for his new TV show ''Do Not Disturb'' which starts next Wednesday night on FOX. Howard spent a short time talking to him about that. Jerry said that some of the crew used to work on the Norm show and they have stories about Artie and Norm.
Jerry said that there are a lot of people on the show who listen to the show and he gave a few shout outs to those people. Howard asked what the show was about. Jerry said that he plays the manager of a hotel and he's a womanizer. He said that they've shot about 5 episodes so far and he's not really the star, he's just the male lead.
Jerry said he did have a kissing scene a couple of weeks ago and that was pretty interesting. Howard asked if he thinks about that when he's jerking off. Jerry said he didn't. He said he doesn't have crazy fantasies or anything when he's doing that.
Howard suggested that Rebecca give Jerry a hand job, quick. Jerry told Howard that he had a friend who had a lock on his door in his home office so he could jerk off in peace.
Double A called in and said that he wanted Jerry's invite to the wedding. Double A said that he did better at the Superfan thing and he's a bigger fan of the show than he is. That led to Jerry asking Double A about the cash that he threw at Cindy Margolis and how funny he thought that was.
Another caller said that he thinks that Jerry is lying about the wedding and his wife doesn't need bed rest. Jerry said that's his story and he's sticking with it.
A woman called in and told Jerry she wants to go to the wedding with Jerry. Jerry said that he has to check with his wife about that. He said he'd be interested in that if he could do it.
Howard said that Jerry is co-hosting the Regis and Kelly show this morning but what he doesn't know is that John Stamos is going to be there hosting with him. Jerry said that he has to cancel, his wife is on bed rest and he can't make it.
Jerry gave a few more shout outs to some people who listen to the show. Howard took another call from a guy who said he liked Jerry's last TV series. He was also saying that he thinks that this whole kid thing is what's screwing up Jerry and Rebecca going to the wedding because Stamos wasn't able to knock her up. Jerry told Howard that it's just not his call and he can't do anything about this. He said that it's not his place to tell her what to do.
Artie said that a lot of women he talks to always tell him that Stamos is hotter than Jerry when he asks about them.
Ralph called in and said that he respects Rebecca not going to the wedding and she should be hiding when she's pregnant. Jerry said that he plays poker at Sam Simon's house sometimes and they play in the guest house where Ralph sleeps. He jokingly said that he looks around and everything is broken and there's vomit all over the place.
Ralph asked Jerry why he can't go to the wedding if Rebecca can't. Jerry said he just can't. He said that Howard knows other people involved and he could ask them himself. Howard said he doesn't know who else is involved.
Ralph said that he thought it was kind of fucked up that he invited Stamos and Rebecca. Stamos claims he doesn't care according to Ralph. Howard said that Stamos would have told Ralph that he was fucked up if he really thought it was wrong to invite both of them.
Howard let Ralph go and took one last call for Jerry. The caller said he wanted to share in his misery. He said that his wife got pregnant and she wasn't into sex so he was doing some tittie fucking. He said that it's some good sex right there. Artie said he likes it too. The guy told Jerry how to do it and have the woman put them together with some lube and it's great. The guy said his penis doesn't go in his wife's mouth but Jerry said his would.
Jerry said that he has asked to do the tittie fucking thing but Rebecca has said no. He said that he doesn't think she's going to go for it. Howard said she has to do something for him and the tittie fucking is what she should do. Artie said he loves that. Artie joked that the chicks will put a strap-on on and tittie fuck him too.
Howard asked Jerry why Rebecca can't blow him. Jerry said that has happened a couple of times. He said that's not something that some girls like and Rebecca might be one of those girls. He said that not every relationship is perfect but they're in a great place right now. Jerry said he loves Rebecca. Fred asked him if the arm pit is off limits. Howard thought that was a dopey question.
Howard took one more call for Jerry. The caller told Jerry that he tried jerking off with Purell one time and it burned. Howard said that it has alcohol in it so that's what was causing the burning.
Dominic Barbara called in so everyone did their impressions of his mayday call. Jerry was doing it right along with everyone else. Howard played some more song parodies with Dominic's call in them. Howard said that Dan the Song Parody Man has been making all of these things.
Jerry figured that Robin was the happiest about those songs. Howard said that Dominic is actually the happiest. Dominic said that he thinks that it's okay that Rebecca doesn't want to be there at the wedding. Dominic said that he's launching his boat this weekend and he wanted to take ''John'' out on the boat if he's still around. Howard said that's the kind of asshole Dominic is. He just called him ''John'' after asking him to come out on his boat. He said that he'd done that with other people like Ross Zapin's wife whose name he didn't know after spending a weekend with her. Howard wrapped up with Jerry and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that he had the Bubba bit that he heard on their show yesterday. He said that it was a McCain bit that Manson did. He played the clip where they had McCain making all kinds of racist comments about various people who were up for the vice president thing.
Howard said that Bubba obviously has a point of view on the whole McCain thing. Howard said that he gets a ton of mail from people who think he's an asshole when he says he can't decide on who to vote for. He said it comes from both sides too. He read through some of the mail he's gotten. People on both sides were telling Howard why he should vote for either McCain or Obama.
Howard said that he's not looking forward to being taxed even more but he's got problems with both sides. Howard said that he can't imagine what the supreme court would look like with one more republican in there. The guys spent a few minutes talking about that.
Howard said that he was critical about Biden yesterday about stealing a speech and he got a lot of crap about that in the e-mail. Robin said that she got some mail about that too and she doesn't know what the whole story is there.
Howard said he hates this election and he hates who's running. Howard said they got a lot of praise for Dr. Landafly (Sal). There were also some pictures of Robin at Artie's house and one writer thought she was hot. There was someone else who told Jared to pluck his eyebrows after seeing a picture of him down at Artie's place.
Lisa said that Beetlejuice had a meltdown while he was down in Florida this past weekend. Howard said that he had some tape of that and he was going to be playing that next. Howard said that they bring Beet to these comedy shows and it's just not worth it to bring him to all of these places.
Howard said that Beet was drinking at the show and he got belligerent and he ended up threatening to leave at 1:30 in the morning. Bob Levy had to call Shuli to come to his room to help him out with the meltdown.
Howard played the clip that Shuli had recorded from their argument. Beet was upset because he thought that Bob had called him a piece of garbage. Shuli tried talking Beetlejuice down but Beet wasn't hearing it and kept threatening to leave.
Gary said that this started at like 1:30 in the morning and it went on for about 3 hours. Howard said that they don't even give Beetlejuice booze, the listeners get to him and give him the booze.
Gary said they had another clip where Beetlejuice was throwing stuff. It was Shuli's news report that Howard played. In the clip Shuli explains what Beetlejuice was doing and how hard it was to explain to him that he can't just walk home like he could in New Jersey.
Shuli ended up going off on Beetlejuice and then Beet started to throw stuff. He broke a glass that Shuli had purchased for him in Canada. Howard cut that off and said ''What a nightmare.'' He was saying that Sarah Palin is going to have to deal with stuff like that with her retarded son. He said that Beetlejuice is no picnic.
Howard said that they should just wait for Trig (Palin) to show up at one of these Killers of Comedy gigs. Artie imagined giving the plug for that appearance in a few years.
Howard said that gig has to be tough with Beetlejuice out on the road. Artie said it's crazy, he can barely do his own act, never mind dealing with a Beetlejuice. Lisa said that her father went to see Beetlejuice down in Florida because he is such a big draw.
Lisa went through some more of her news headlines and talked about Richard Christy getting another movie role. She wrapped up a short time later.
Howard said he had some new Hate Man voice mails to play real quick. In the first one Hate Man talked about how Howard is going to be watching ''Dancing with the Fags'' now that he's back from his vacation. He went off on some people in the show by calling them names and then told Howard to stick his big Jew beak up Cloris Leachman's cunt. The guy had them all laughing pretty hard. Howard wondered where that guy has been. Artie said he thinks that guy is losing it but he's fascinated to know who that guy really is.
Howard had another clip where Hate Man went off on Robin. He ended up yelling out the N-word a bunch of times by the end of the message. He said he loves that monkey Robin.
Howard asked if that guy could be attractive in any way. Robin said that she can't imagine someone who looks like Jared making those phone calls. She said that he has to be a troll. Howard said he'd like to know what his job is and what he does in life that lets him let that N-word fly the way he does.
Robin said that no landlord would put up with that so he must be locked up in some kind of institution or something.
Howard played a prank call the guys made using Hate Man audio clips. They called a phone sex line and had him yelling out all kinds of weird stuff to the woman on the line. She played right along with it though.
Howard said that Sal had to use Tim Sabean's credit card to make that call and he had ''Ghetto Girls'' charge on his card that day. He had to go to break after that.
Howard asked Dave where he gets the clothes he was wearing. Dave said that he has a clothing line that was just launched last week in Vegas. Dave is also bald and told Howard and Robin that he's shaved all of his body hair off. Dave said that he's got a vibrator around his neck that he wears all the time. He brought one in for Howard as well.
Dave said that he has 3 erotic stores that he owns with some other people. He said that the vibrator is the most powerful, intense vibration of any vibrator out there. Dave said they sell from $200 to $10,000. Howard said he was going to shove that right up his ass.
Dave said that he had Howard met back in the 1980s and they made it up right on the spot and he seems to think that it was about some odd sexual practice. Howard said that it must have been if it was with him.
Howard asked Dave about working with Annie Lennox. Dave talked about working with her in music and being with her sexually. Howard said he can imagine her doing some weird shit sexually. Dave said that she wasn't like that, she was just beautiful in every way.
Howard said that Dave thought he was gay at one time. Dave said that he didn't think he was gay, Elton John thought he was gay. Howard read some stuff that Dave talked about in his book, ''The Dave Stewart Songbook: The Stories Behind The Songs - Volume One,'' about the Elton John thing and that led to Dave talking about some weird stuff he used to do with his friend when they would jerk off together. He said they used to get in a circle and touch the ends of their penises together. Robin asked what that was all about. Dave said that it was something they had to experience but he figured Robin would never experience that.
Howard read that Dave had been with Stevie Nicks at one time. Dave said that he didn't know who she was at the time but she ended up in his doorway one day. He saw her and said that he wanted her to be his girlfriend but didn't realize that she had just broken up with Joe Walsh the night before. Dave said that she invited him to a party at her house and when he got there she was there alone. He said that she ended up trying on a bunch of Victorian era dresses and stuff while he was there. He said they made love twice that night but that night inspired him to write ''Don't Come Around Here No More.'' Dave heard Stevie tell Joe Walsh not to come around her house any more and that's how the song was inspired. Dave said that Joe was fine with him putting that story in the book.
Howard said that Dave's penis could tell a million stories. Robin said that it actually wrote a whole book. Howard asked him why he didn't go back to Stevie after that. Dave said that there was some other stuff going on at the time and he didn't want to keep it going.
Howard asked Dave if he knew that he wanted to be a musician when he was young. Dave said that Howard was told to shut up when he was a kid and he grew up to be a guy who doesn't shut up. Dave talked a little bit about his childhood before Howard cut him off.
Howard said that Dave was with the hot chick from that band Bananarama. Dave said that he was with her for about 10 years. Dave said that he's not against marriage and he's married again. He also said that he and Deepak Chopra have a show there on SIRIUS.
Dave was telling Howard that his wife loves the store he owns and they have these parties where they show off all of these products they sell. Howard asked if he swings with his wife. Dave said that he doesn't. He said they do some role playing stuff though. He told Howard about how they dress up in different outfits and stuff.
Howard asked Dave about his former marriages and if he had pre-nuptial agreements. Dave said that he got married the first time when he was just 18 and his wife was 17.
Dave told Howard about getting wasted on acid one time and how they had gone out to a field to get wasted. They tried to go back home but all of the houses looked the same so they didn't know where to go. Dave said that he ended up at someone else's house and told the guy that he had to go to the hospital. The guy invited them in and gave them tea. His 17 year old wife ended up pouring the tea on his carpet and started to rub it in. Dave said that he thought it was time to get going. Dave said that ever since then his right and left side brains have been in touch with each other.
Howard said that Dave used to be into acid quite a bit. Dave said that he was doing it pretty often for about a year.
Dave said that his worst trip was when he was in a bathroom one time and tried to get out of the bathroom. He said that his penis actually became inverted too. He said that it was like he had jumped into cold water but 10,000 times worse.
Howard said that Dave stopped talking to his first wife and ended up communicating with her with squiggles. Dave said that he was scribbling things on paper back then and she'd look at it and throw it away. Dave said that the marriage didn't last very long. He said that he's still in touch with her and she's living in the south of France now.
Dave said that he went to the doctor at one point and said that he was getting disoriented in shopping malls and stuff. He said that he told the doctor all of this weird stuff and they ended up putting him into a mental hospital. He said that it took him 2 days to get out of there because he had to prove he was sane, and that wasn't very easy.
Dave told another story about a party he went to back in 1970 or so. He said he was invited to George Harrison's house and he knew that he was going to get some great cocaine. He said that he remembered sniffing it and how he went grey and passed out. He woke up hours later with his face still on the mirror. He doesn't know what it was but it was the worst drug experience he had ever had. He said that all four of them passed out and didn't know what had happened.
Dave talked about his family a little bit and said that his father wasn't really upset with him being a musician but he did want him to get a proper job. Dave said that his father played the harmonica in the car while he was driving which was kind of odd. He said that his father died not too long ago and he played guitar to his harmonica playing.
Howard asked if Dave's parents were happily married. He said that they were but his mother ran off with a Buddhist monk later in life.
Howard gave Dave some plugs for his book and for this new CD (The Dave Stewart Songbook, Vol. 1) he has out. He also played some of one of the songs that's on the album. Howard asked Dave why he and Annie Lennox don't work together anymore. Dave said that Annie is a classic, brilliant artist who has her ups and downs. He said that she stopped performing after she had kids and stuff like that. Howard asked why she doesn't get back into it and go out on the road with him. Dave said it's not the easiest thing in the world to go back out on the road like that.
Dave said that he and Annie made 9 albums in 10 years so they had a good run there. Dave said that he's been having a good time lately and he's doing just fine.
Howard said that Dave is going to be performing at the Highline Ballroom in New York on September 17th. He gave him some plugs for that, the book and the CD. You can find out more about it all at DaveStewart.com
Howard said that Dave had some girls there with him this morning so he had the guys bring them in. Dave said that they had been up all night so they looked a little rough. Howard saw them and said they didn't look rough to him at all. Dave said that they were Jackie and Angie. Howard asked where they can see them. one of the girls said that he could see her on the web.
Howard spent a short time talking to the girls and asked Dave why he hangs with these girls if he's married. Dave said he has to hang out with them for ''work.'' Dave said he was going to demonstrate something for Howard. He got up to show him the vibrator. He turned on the vibrator and it was changing speeds almost like it was playing music. Howard said that Dave was going to play the vibrator to some music. He played them to ''Somewhere Over the Rainbow.'' Artie was laughing while he was doing it. Howard said he was a genius when he saw that.
Howard talked to the girls a little more and found out they were 20 and 21 years old. One of the girls had a boyfriend. One girl was from Venezuela and said that she's actually very conservative. Howard asked if she likes to lick the man's penis. She said ''not right now.''
Artie asked the girls what they were doing later, he's throwing a party at the Ritz Carlton. He said he was going to have those vibrators ready to go too.
Dave said that the girls were nude in the back of his car today. The girls said that they had to change in the car so that's why they were undressed.
Howard asked the girls when they started to bleed. One of the girls said she was 12. The other one didn't answer. Howard told Dave he should take these girls out on his yacht. Dave said that they're modeling his clothing line, Rock Fabulous, so they do go out with him to various places.
Dave told a story about going out with this girl one time and how he had a headache that night. He had rubbed some tiger balm on his head and ended up having sex with this girl. He said that she ended up screaming when the tiger balm ended up on her vagina. He said that she stopped talking to him after that.
Howard asked the girls if they were shaved down. They didn't want to answer but Howard told them they have to answer if they're on radio. They said that they were shaved down.
Ralph called in and asked how this girl spells her name because he didn't have it right. Anyelika spelled it for him again and Ralph looked it up on the web. Her full name was Anyelika Perez. Ralph looked it up and said she was very hot.
Howard asked the girls if they would try on bathing suits if they gave them some. The girls said that they didn't want to do that today. They said that there was too much alcohol in their systems to do that today. Howard asked if they were on their periods. Anyelika said that she wasn't. Howard said that's too bad because they're like real models.
The guys were going crazy over the girls and Dave was hardly getting a word in. He eventually got to talk a little bit and talked about how there's this coconut that looks like a woman's vagina and that's what he named his store after. The store is called Coco De Mer.
Artie asked the girls what it would cost him to have them come to his hotel and beat the shit out of him. Howard asked them what it would really cost to have sex with them. The girls weren't giving prices and were kind of disgusted by the fart sounds that Fred was playing. They thought it was Artie making the sounds so they seemed to be disgusted by him.
Howard said that Jackie and Angie were beautiful and he had to be counted in as one of the many guys who have called them beautiful. Howard thanked them for coming in and gave Dave a bunch of plugs for his stuff as he was wrapping up. Artie gave them one more fart for the road as they went to commercial.
After the break we heard a prank call Sal and Richard made to a chess call in show. Fred played the Eurithmics ''Sweet Dreams'' as they were coming back. Howard came back and said that he might try that vibrator he got with Beth.
Howard had Mike Walker on the phone so he got him on. He gave Mike a plug for his book, Get Real!: The Untold Story: Sexy, Scary, Scandalous World of Reality TV!, and then spent a couple of minutes talking about the National Enquirer and some of the stories they've broken lately about John Edwards and some other people. Mike said that they're working on a story about Sarah Palin and how she may have cheated on her husband. They're investigating that story right now.
Howard had Mike get to his game after that. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
High Pitch Eric and Jeff the Drunk are going to be working at a bar next to Levy's Comedy club in Levittown, PA. Steve also mentioned that Benjy's birthday is today and he's turning 41. Benjy said that it's not his birthday today and he's not turning 41. Steve said that the voter registration that he filled out in 1988 says he is 41 and today is his birthday. Benjy said that he's not 41 but it's cool that he's saying that. Artie said he's turning 41 in October and he likes that Benjy is older than him.
Howard said that they have a 27 year old college student there and they're calling him Van Wilder. That led to Howard and Artie talking about Animal House and the ''zero point zero'' clip. Howard said he's going to rent that this weekend because he hasn't seen it in a long time.
Steve said that 24 years ago today Gary started working for Howard's show. Steve also said that seven years ago today Hank the Dwarf passed away.
Jon Hein came in and gave his Wrap Up Show preview by running through the many things they were going to try and cover today.
Mutt from Superfan Roundtable also called in and went down the list of subjects they were going to cover on the show tonight. Superfan Roundtable airs at 7pm on Howard 101.
Mutt mentioned that they were going to be talking about the Ben and Ray ISDN line that Howard mentioned yesterday. Howard said that they're going to call them on Monday to talk about that. He talked about how scared he is that they're going to fall in his house when they come over. They're not that stable on their feet these days.
Artie said that he wonders what Jillian looks like after having a baby. Howard said he's wondering what kind of pay off she's going to get from this kid. Artie said that it would be like Spade didn't shoot seasons 3-6. Artie said that she texted him a while back about the food he was eating.
Howard said that this baby is a direct result of this show. He said that she got into Playboy after doing this show and she met Spade out at the Playboy mansion.
Robin read a story about breast cancer which led to Howard asking Robin if she has stretch marks on her boobs. She said that she can't avoid having them with breasts that size. Howard wanted to see them but she wasn't showing anything.
The guys were also talking about seeing their mother's breasts and stuff like that. Artie said that he saw his mother's boobs once when she started to cry and used her shirt to wipe her eyes. She lifted up the bottom of the shirt and they came out. Howard asked him to evaluate them but Artie said that they were his mother's breasts. He said they were great but they are his mother's breasts.
Howard said he saw his sister dancing naked one time and he saw her titties. He said that she had pretty nice ones for someone who is his sister. Howard said he averted his eyes once he saw them though.
Ralph called in and said that he thinks he could get Artie's mom. He said he thinks she digs him. Artie said that she does actually like Ralph. Artie said that his mother enjoys his company but if he got together with her he might have to buy a gun and two bullets. One bullet for Artie, one for his mom.
Howard said that would go down in the history of the show as being one of the bizarro things to happen if he did get together with Artie's mom. Artie said that it won't happen. Howard had to take a break around 10:30am.
After the break Robin read a story about a store that's suing Oprah Winfrey's mom for allegedly not paying her bill. Robin had another story about Mackenzie Phillips being back in rehab. It's her 10th visit to rehab according to the article Robin was reading.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what chess web site he uses. Howard said that it's ChessClub.com. Howard took a call from his dad (audio clips) who was having some trouble hearing everything Howard was saying. The guys had him saying that he couldn't hear and asking Howard to repeat himself over and over.
Howard wanted to create what the call might sound like on Monday when they call his parents to tell them about the ISDN line. He asked the guys to get his dad back on the phone but they were taking too long. He gave up but Gary came through at the last second and told him they had him back. Howard went through the call trying to explain to his father what they wanted to do with the ISDN line for a minute and then had Robin get back to her news.
Robin read a story about how the scent of a baby may reduce the amount of testosterone in men. The guys called in with the Ben Stern clips once again and played with that for another few seconds. Howard said that's enough of that for now.
Robin read a story about a woman who microwaved her child and killed it. Robin said she didn't get the death penalty. Howard mentioned that they're saying that Zucchini is not a vegetable and it's actually a fruit. Benjy said that all fruits are vegetables. Howard didn't want to talk to Benjy so he just went along with that and thanked him.
Robin read a story about a guy who stabbed a duck with a knife and claimed he did it because he hates ducks. She read some other stories about baby kidnappings and how they've become more rare these days. Attacks on new mothers have increased though.
Robin had a story about the rape of an 8 day old baby girl. The girl's 18 year old father did the raping. The mother was 15.
Howard talked to Artie about getting off the Subutex over the past few days. Artie was a mess and Howard could see that he was uncomfortable. He told him he could leave if he wanted to. Artie said he wasn't going to leave. He said that he was sweating but he was also feeling cold and suffering from the withdrawals.
Howard asked Artie if he was going to go to Will's wedding tomorrow. Artie said that he's not going because he told people in his life that he was going to listen to his therapist and do what he tells him to do. He said the therapist was upset that he threw the party for Robin and he doesn't want him going to the wedding so he's not going.
Robin said that she thought that the party might be a bad idea when she agreed to it. Howard said that he's going to support Artie and not go to Will's wedding either.
Robin read some news about Sarah Palin accepting her nomination for Vice President. She had Howard play a couple of clips from her speech. She had some other people speaking at the convention as well. She had Howard playing a bunch of different clips of people talking about Palin. Robin read through a few more stories and wrapped up. Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Jon asked Gary what he thinks is really going on in that house with Jerry and Rebecca. Gary said that if Jerry is happy, that's all that matters. He said it's all fine if he's happy. Jon said that Jerry was giving disclaimers after every joke he said. He played some audio from that interview after that.
The guys wished Benjy a happy birthday but Benjy said that it wasn't his birthday but that was cool. He said that he doesn't want something brought up on the air so they should respect that. Gary was asking him when his birthday was but Benjy wasn't giving a straight answer. Jon said he can understand why he wouldn't want the year out there but who gives a shit about the month and day.
Jon wanted Benjy to explain why he doesn't want to give out that information and he'd respect him if he did that. Benjy said that there are various dates and years about his birthday and there are reasons for it. He said that he will soon be 37 and that's all he can say. He said that he's a Virgo but Jon said that was useless to him. Gary said he can't tell what's real and what's not with Benjy and he thinks this is one of his bits.
Benjy eventually said that they can celebrate his birthday is on the 21st of September. That means that all of the stuff on the web about him is wrong. Gary said that Benjy is saying that ''you can celebrate it on the 21st'' like it's Washington's birthday or something.
Gary said that he can understand why a woman would keep her age a secret but not Benjy. Benjy said that if someone has a problem about their age they should respect that like they'd respect a gay person not wanting to come out. Jon said that they're not asking for the year, they just want to know what month and day he was born.
Jon thought that Benjy was saying that there's documentation about his age out there that could hurt him in some way. Benjy said that's not it at all. He wasn't giving exact reasons, he was being very vague. Then he said his birthday is September ''twenty friorth,'' 1971. No one believed that.
Gary said that Benjy started there as an intern and he was getting credit from a place that they had never even heard of. It's been really strange right from the start. Gary thinks that he may have shaved some numbers off his age back then but he's not sure why he'd keep that going after all these years. Gary said that if he's 37 or 41, it shouldn't matter. He didn't know what to say after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks Benjy is hiding his age because he's hiding a criminal background. Benjy said that's not it. He said he has been arrested before but that's not it. Jon said that maybe Benjy is sticking to this bit and not letting it go until the end.
Jason came in and said that Benjy claims that he was a test tube baby or something. Benjy said that didn't come out until 1977 so that's not the case either. There's some weird stuff about his family that he has brought up on the air before and he's asked them not to bring that stuff up on the air before.
Gary said that Benjy has no sense of pop culture. He knows nothing about movie quotes, the Brady Bunch or anything like that. Benjy will say that he didn't have a TV if you ask him about something like that. Jason said that Benjy can talk about peanuts though because he knows everything about the nut.
Gary said that he's amazed sometimes when he quotes something and Benjy knows nothing about it. Benjy has never even seen The Godfather. He's seen The Brady Bunch and claims he knows that pretty well.
Jason said that he hates this stuff with Benjy saying that he doesn't want it on the air like he's been doing. Jason said that there are people who Benjy has asked them not to bring up on the air and they've respected that. He doesn't get the birthday thing and why that would cause problems. Jason wanted to know why his birthday would cause a problem. Benjy wouldn't answer. He said he'd like his birthday to be mentioned but on the right day. He's just not saying the right date.
Jon said he never should have wished him a happy birthday. Jason said that Benjy has been giving him a hard time about this birthday thing for years. He said he asked him to fill something out at K-Rock but he refused to give his birthday.
Benjy said that his birthday is September 21, 1971... ''as far as this is concerned.'' Jon asked what the hell that means. Benjy wasn't saying.
Gary asked Benjy why a person would feel the need to lie about their birthday on a Voter Registration. Benjy said that there was an episode of Family Ties that would explain it. He said that Michael J. Fox wanted to vote early.
Gary talked about Jerry talking about the kind of porn he likes and how creepy it is when someone admits to what kind of porn they like. That led to the guys talking about the stuff Jerry was saying about ''pussy fat'' and things like that.
Benjy asked Jon if he has ever tittie fucked anyone. Jon said he'd tell him that on his birthday. Another caller said that he Jon and Gary deserved getting sucked into the Benjy Vortex for bringing up that birthday thing. He was also talking about Artie canceling from Will's wedding and how he's full of shit about that because he's going to be going to do gigs the weekend after the wedding.
Benjy said that Artie is trying to get off of Subutex and it takes a few days to get through that. He has a lot of pressure on him to do these gigs to make money because that's his job. They had to go to break a short time later.
The guys talked about the origins of ''Don't Come Around Here No More'' that Dave was telling Howard about. They didn't know that story until today. Jon said that Dave has produced and arranged a lot of songs for many different music acts.
Jon played some of his interview from today when he was talking about masturbating with his friends. Gary said that he had a conversation with Howard off the air about the circle jerk thing and brought up being molested.
Shuli said that he worked at a camp where kids were messing around doing stuff like that but he never had the urge to beat off in front of another dude. Gary said that there's a lot of weird stuff that happens at camp. Gary said that Richard Christy has done weird stuff like that with his friends.
Jon said that Dave was topping one story after another during that interview. He told the Tiger Balm story and a bunch of others that were pretty wild. Then they brought in the models. Gary said that they were runway models and not the usual kind of chicks that come in there. Shuli said that the one chick that Howard was talking to the most was very sexy.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that they could have gone for 2 hours and it wouldn't have done him justice, the guy is full of stories. Jon said that Dave was saying that the most sexual part of a person is their brain. Benjy said that's a common cliché.
JD was saying that he thought the girls who came in were a little too thin. He said that he was annoyed that they have their own apartments in New York City and they're so young. The guys told him that's what Models do, they get paid good money to do that stuff.
Jon asked JD to describe what happened with Howard's fruit this morning. JD said that he had a fork on top of the fruit and when he walked into the studio it just slipped out of his hand and fell on the floor. He said that he ran back down and got Howard another thing of fruit during the break.
Benjy asked her about tittie fucking and she said that was fine. Jon moved on after that. Jon said that he didn't know where the show was going today. Benjy said that he doesn't find tittie fucking to be all that fun. He said it's too much work.
Jon asked Gary about the beer pong thing that Howard mentioned quickly today. Gary said that they may do a show at night in October and they may do beer pong during that. He said he doesn't know that much about Beer Pong and wondered if they need a referee. The guys told him they don't need one.
A caller brought up Jerry O'Connell again and said that he got the impression that Rebecca doesn't like Jerry from what he was saying about her. Gary said that everyone needs their space in a relationship and he thinks that the pregnancy is leading to what Jerry was talking about. Shuli said that it sounded like Rebecca was putting the kibosh on things before she got pregnant.
Gary said that you can't have a rational discussion with a pregnant woman either. He said that their hormones are all over the place when they're pregnant.
Ralph called in and said that he has the feeling that Rebecca didn't want Jerry meeting up with Stamos and comparing notes about what a pain in the ass she is. JD said that he was talking about that stuff on Regis and Kelly today too.
Gary said he can picture Rebecca stopping Jerry at the door on his way out and telling him ''Listen asshole, you can't talk about this, this, this and this...'' They had to end the show after that.