Howard started off the show by taking a phone call from a guy who wanted to make sure Artie was back. Artie laughed in the background so he was there. Howard said he'd talk about that later in the show. Another caller wanted to know the same thing. Howard went through a few more phone calls and people were all wondering if he was there.
One caller said that it was Howard's fault that Artie did what he did. Another guy said that he wonders why Artie is back and why he gets chance after chance after what he's done. He's fought with a lot of people on the show. He said that there seems to be a double standard there. Howard said that Artie said that he's not a violent guy.
Another caller said that he heard Artie laugh so he knows that he's back. Howard said that it could have been Fred playing a sound effect. Howard told Fred to play the Artie sound effect to prove it was him. It was just Artie laughing on his own though so he was there.
Howard said he'd reveal if Artie was coming back in a moment. He took some more phone calls and one guy told Artie to stop using the show to sell out his stand-up gigs. Another guy said that he wanted to see the fight on Howard TV so Howard had Fred give him a drum roll so he could speak about this whole thing.
Howard asked if Artie was back. Artie said that he was there. He said that it was weird to be back. Howard said he didn't think he'd see him again after that fight with Teddy. Artie apologized to Benjy for what went on since he was holding Artie back during his attempted attack.
Artie said he doesn't remember everything but he may have gotten past Benjy. Howard asked Benjy if he was shard to restrain. Benjy said he was just trying to slow him down. Howard said he had a lot of news reports to play and stuff like that. He asked Artie if he had a statement to make.
Artie said that he takes all of the blame for what happened. He said that he's been treated very nicely about all of this and he really feels like part of the family. He said that Howard talked to him during his busy schedule and so did a bunch of people on the staff there. Artie said he got calls from Mel Karmazin, Don Buchwald and many others.
Artie apologized to the fans and everyone else who has been so nice to him during this whole fucked up thing he did. He said that he's been fucking up in his whole life and this show is the most important thing in his life. He said that it's probably the only thing that's keeping him alive. He said that he really appreciates what everyone is doing for him.
Artie said that everyone was calling him including David Spade, Norm MacDonald and Jimmy Kimmel. He said that it was an amazing thing. Artie said that it wasn't Teddy's fault and he's not stealing money from him. He said that was in the heat of the moment and he's not a thief.
Howard asked Artie if he was having a bad day that day or something. Artie was supposed to be going to Amsterdam and people were blaming him for instigating the whole thing. Artie said that he got back from Amsterdam and saw all of the newspaper articles about what went on and saw that he had blamed Howard for the fight. He said that he loves Howard and he's really sorry for what he did and they were able to get something into Rush and Malloy's column about that.
Artie said he called Teddy and told him he was sorry for what he did. He said he didn't want him to quit his job or anything like that. Howard said he spoke to Teddy afterward and he was ready to leave if it meant that Artie could stay. Howard told Teddy that he did nothing wrong and he didn't have to leave at all. He told him he wouldn't stand for him leaving there. He said that Teddy was really shook up.
Artie said that he did speak to a shrink about what went on and he heard the West Coast replay. He said that he really went too far with that whole thing. Howard said that he heard from AJ Benza about this fight and he was saying he wanted a second chance. Artie said that Gary said something funny about him beating up Joan Rivers some day. He said he thought that was pretty funny and he hopes that there's something in him that would stop him from doing that.
Robin asked Artie if he saw Jason Reitman when he was leaving that day. Artie said he didn't see him at all. Artie said that was more emotion than he's ever had in his life. He said that when he said goodbye to Howard he really felt bad. He knows that he screws things up in his life and he always ends things badly. From the time that he hugged Howard and went down in the elevator he was so crazed that he felt that he had fucked up his life once again.
Artie said that there were two cops following the cab that he got into after he left and they asked him if he was alright after what went down. Artie said he told them that he was okay and he just fucked up. He said that he didn't go out to the diner that was reported in the news either. He said he did go to a diner but not the one that was in the paper.
Howard wanted to know what he ate. Artie said he had a mozzarella omelet. Howard said he had been eating all morning so he was surprised he went out to eat. Artie said he had some toast and some chocolate milk with the omelet. He loves the milk thing where it comes out ice cold. He said he had some coffee with that as well. He had a chocolate chunk cookie from Starbucks after that.
Artie said that he saw teddy and made eye contact but didn't speak to him. He said that he didn't want to start a conversation and had to think more before saying anything to him. Artie said he thinks that everyone has stock in SIRIUS and everyone had heard about what was going on that day. He said that he got to Amsterdam and there were two guys there who heard what had gone down and told him that they had heard what he did. He said that was way over in Holland.
Artie said that he didn't do any heroin or hookers over there in Amsterdam. He said that the dollar really sucks over there. He said he walked around the red light district and checked out the whores in the windows. He said that it wasn't a good time of day from what he heard from Brian Phelan. He said that some of the women were old and their tits were hanging to their knees. Robin said she saw one over there one time and the woman looked to be about 87 years old.
Artie said that he went to a cafe one day with the guys and he smoked a joint. He said that it was such a smooth feeling. He said that it was like 3 puffs and he was feeling ''beautiful'' like Jimi Hendrix sings about in one of his songs. He said that he smoked the joint, shot some pool and hung out. Artie said that there are a lot of people who sit around the cafe's and just stare off into space. He said that they seem to be the types of people who have no lives and it's over for them.
Artie said that he walked back to his hotel room after the weed. He said that he found a place for pancakes and stopped there. He said that the pancakes are great and they taste like they're home made unlike the stuff you get in New York. He said that they were butter pancakes and really good.
Artie said that he took a total of about 6 or 7 hits over in that cafe and it was fantastic. He said that he had his iPod with him and he was listening to music and eating his pancakes. He was really happy about it when that was going on.
Artie said that he didn't slow down his accent at all so the people must have had a hard time understanding him. He said that they just adjust to their accent though and got him everything he asked for. Artie said that may have been the best afternoon he'd ever had. Other than the fact that he didn't get laid.
Artie said that he went over and laid down and it felt great. He said that he missed dinner that night because he fell asleep and didn't get up until 1 in the morning.
Howard apologized for killing the show on Thursday. He took all of the blame for that. He also took the blame for killing the Howard TV segment. He said he was very scared for both Artie and Teddy. He said that people were bashing him all over the place claiming it was a hoax. Howard said that if it was, Artie was the greatest actor in the world.
Howard said he wanted to do the right thing in that situation. He said that Artie hugged him and said goodbye and he wanted to follow him out of there. He didn't know if he was going to go out and kill himself or someone else.
Howard said that he didn't want to make things worse with Artie and that's why he pulled the replay. He didn't want to drive Artie even more nuts by replaying the show. He told the guys to pull the show and figured the audience would understand. He said that the audience is such a bunch of fuck heads. He said that if they had replayed it, they would have complained about that too.
Howard said that he quickly said to Tim that they should hold off on replaying the show. Artie told Howard he did the right thing by pulling the show. He said that he was thinking about people hearing the replay and he was feeling really shitty about that. Howard said that he wasn't thinking about the ratings or anything like that, he just worried about Artie and Teddy. Howard said he didn't want Artie going on heroin or anything like that so that's why he did what he did.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he was talking to someone and asked if ''he had landed yet'' and they were thinking he was talking about the Pope. He had to correct them and said it was Artie he was wondering about. Dominic also said that people were worried that Artie was going to use heroin over in Amsterdam. Robin said she felt really bad that day but couldn't believe that Artie got on a plane for Amsterdam.
Howard said that Artie left really long messages that he kept. He said that he wanted to call him back but his throat was hurting so he just let him go and waited until the next week to call.
Howard said he called Artie and talked to him about what had gone on. Howard told him that if the show was hurting his health he really should leave. He said that he told Artie that he would do anything to help him out. He said he'd understand it if he had to leave. They started talking and Artie told him that he wanted to come back and be part of the show.
Howard said he knew that he wanted him back and the fans wanted him back but he'd have to speak to the people there about what was going on. He said he met with a bunch of people and they're lucky to have him back. Howard said he feels great that he's back and he hopes that things are going to be okay.
Robin said that this might have been his last chance. He may not get another. Howard said he doesn't think that he has another chance.
Artie said that he went to a medical doctor and the guy told him that he's close to a physical breakdown and he might need to take some time to get healthy. He said that the doctor was telling him he could have a heart attack really easy. He said that the guy wants him to take some time to get himself in better shape but he wanted to come back and make things right there first.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he knows how Artie felt that day. He said that he thinks Howard was off base thinking that Artie was going to kill himself.
Artie said that now that time has passed he thinks that it would be okay if they replayed that show. He said he wants to see what was going on that day and see it on Howard TV for himself. Howard said that he has a copy but he wasn't even able to watch it himself. He said he was so upset that he didn't know what to do and he was really worried for Artie.
Howard said that he didn't know what condition Artie was in and he didn't want to exacerbate the situation. He didn't want Artie to go out and kill himself or anything like that. Howard suggested that when people see this on Howard TV they'll see just how crazy things looked.
Artie said that he was out doing comedy shows over the weekend and down in Philly he got a 10 minute standing ovation. He said he really realized how great this show is and how great it has been to be part of this big family of the Stern Show. He said that he and Norm MacDonald once argued about Howard being more of an A-list celebrity than even Brad Pitt. He thinks that Howard's fans love him more than they love someone like Brad Pitt.
Artie said that he had an old friend who told him that maybe he should stay on a show where he plays a character instead of being on the Stern Show. The guy told him that he's got all of these problems and they're all going to come out on the air.
Howard asked Artie if he thinks that he really would have hurt Teddy if he had gotten close enough to him. Artie said that he thinks that maybe he would have grabbed him but he probably would have stopped before really hurting him. He said that he likes to think that he wouldn't have hurt him.
Artie said that he told Howard that he's not a violent person and what he meant by that is that he's never really had an issue in public with fighting or anything.
Artie said that he spoke to a shrink about this stuff and the guy told him that he's been exhibiting a lot of extreme behavior lately. He said he thinks that he might need to do therapy and he's made a commitment to this shrink. He said that Dr. Keith Ablow called him and reached out to him as well.
Riley said that everyone gets pissed at some time in their life. He said that they can't stop his career because of that one time.
Howard asked Riley if he's done with his show now. Riley said that he ''accidentally'' signed up for 6 more months. Riley said he spoke to Tim and he wants to send him a sack of potatoes for crying about being broke. He ended up not getting one cent more but signed up for 6 more months. He said that he felt really bad for Tim. Howard said that he hadn't heard this news over vacation but that was good news.
One caller asked about Teddy and how he had asked for more money to do his job. Artie said that he thought it was funny that he asked for 1 percent of his income. He said that Teddy is a good guy but things weren't working out for him and there was a lot of stuff going on that he can't deal with. He said that he told Teddy that maybe he can find someone to deal with some stuff and let Teddy do the stuff that he's good at. He said that he's great on the gigs and stuff so he can help out with the road stuff.
Artie said that he's going to let Teddy do some stuff for his web site too. He said that he's going to work with him but not let things get too crazy.
King of All Blacks called in and talked about some comments that Bill Maher made about the Pope and how he should wear a slip underneath that dress of his. Howard said that's just a joke and not an unacceptable comment. Maher has been under fire for making that comment though.
King of all Blacks said he thinks that Artie was bringing out his resentment for Howard during that Teddy fight and it wasn't so much about Teddy. Artie said he doesn't believe that's the case at all. King said that he thinks that it will come back and there will be another fight but maybe it won't go that far next time.
Howard said that he doesn't feel that Artie resents him at all like Jackie did. He felt that Jackie did resent him but he doesn't get that from Artie. Howard said he felt that Jackie felt like he made his career and he deserved more from the show than he was getting.
Howard said the dress looked like something the Wright Brothers would have invented. Robin swore that she picked it out herself. She said that she wasn't able to wear a coat because of the arm tethers. She said that she wasn't even able to raise her arms too high because it lifted the dress up.
Howard said that John McCain can't raise his arms because he had a terrible time over in Vietnam during the war. He said that Robin was restraining her arms with a dress. He said it was really wild and he's never seen an outfit like that. He figured that she would fly if they threw her out a window. Robin said there were holes in the arms and she would just sink. Robin said that she wore the same outfit on the Donny Deutsch show because she thought it looked so good.
Howard took another call from a guy who wanted to know when they can air that Artie show. Doug Goodstein said that they're going to try and get it up by tonight at Midnight but it may take an extra day. They are preparing the show as they speak.
Howard asked Tim Sabean about the audio replay of the Artie fight. Tim said that they can air it this weekend if he wants.
Artie said that he caught a bulk of the Stuttering John Spotlight show and it was great. He said that he was a huge fan of the show and he loved all of the stuff he was hearing about John. He didn't want to get out of his car while he was listening to it. Howard said he was listening to it in his shower and ended up sitting in his bathroom listening for a while. He loved Fred doing his impression of John.
Artie said that he liked hearing some of the stuff that John was doing like taking money from Robin's purse and asking her if he could borrow it after he had already taken it.
Howard said he didn't feel that what Bill said was all that wrong. He was talking about religion being a cult and that's basically what he thinks organized religion is. He said that he loves when people go off on this Scientology stuff because it's just another wacky religion. He said it's about as believable as some of the wacky stuff that's in the bible.
Howard and the guys talked about the priests problems with molesting young boys and how they get away with it because they're priests. IF they were in one of these so-called cults, they'd be investigated by the feds.
Howard played more of Bill Maher's comments about the Pope and he was pointing out that if the guy was in charge of a day care center, he'd be arrested faster than you can say ''Do you want to touch Mr. Winkle?''
Howard said that the Pope gave SIRIUS a shout out. He played the audio of that shout out but it was kind of hard to understand with that German accent he has.
Howard said that he learned that the red shoes that the Pope wears are just a weird fashion statement that goes back to some previous Pope who wore the red shoes. Robin said that there's no reason for him to wear the robes either.
Howard said that he must have gotten the shoes at ''Bloomies'' bringing things right back to Artie's fight with Teddy. Artie said that they were printing in articles that he had gotten pissed at Teddy for saying ''Bloomies.'' Artie said that he couldn't explain why he got so upset about that.
Artie said that they were out in L.A. that weekend and they love to bust Teddy's balls. He said he told Teddy to go out and buy him a shirt to wear and on the way to the gig Teddy told him that he had tried ''Bloomies'' and that led to him goofing on Teddy. Nick DiPaolo was in the car at the time and he wondered what the fuck he was talking about. Teddy said that his mother used to call it that. Artie said that they ended up goofing on him the whole weekend about that. It really got under his skin.
Artie said that he was over in Amsterdam and was in one of these Gondolas getting a tour and the guy piloting the boat had a German accent. He said that the guy was pointing out a lot of stuff there. He showed him Anne Frank's house and then the guy put his head down and told him about this place that's really great for pancakes. He thought that was pretty funny.
Howard said that they had to go to break but mentioned that Neil Patrick Harris was going to be coming in. They spent a minute talking about him and about other child stars that haven't turned out so normal. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that he had a lot of shit going on during vacation with the cold, Artie's thing and other stuff. He said that he didn't know what was going on with Artie but everyone was asking him about it. He said that his hair stylist Toni was asking him and he just told her he didn't know.
Howard said that Neil Patrick Harris was there so he had to get to him. He said that Mary McCormack told him to be nice to him and he doesn't know why he wouldn't be nice to him.
Gary came in and said that Richard and Neil were out there talking about this Harold and Kumar movie they're in together. They were out there talking about being haunted house fans.
Ralph called in and asked what's going on because he just woke up and didn't know. Howard told him to check his e-mail because he tried to get through to him that way over the weekend. Howard said he's not going to tell him if Artie is in or not.
Howard said that he and Robin were huge fans of Doogie Howser when Neil was starring in that. He said he used to be a fan of this ''How I Met Your Mother'' but not so much now.
Neil came in and told Howard that he's a fan of the show but he can't get Howard TV on DirecTV so he has no visual reference to any of this. He said he doesn't know what Eric the Midget or Blue Iris looks like. Howard told him that they might have a picture of him to show. They showed it to him a short time later and Neil said that he didn't know what to expect. He said it's sadder than he thought it would be.
Neil said that he likes the studio and how nice it is. Howard introduced the guys in the studio to Neil and then showed a picture of Blue Iris. Artie did his impression of Blue a little bit. Neil then met Fred who had stepped out for a moment.
Howard asked Neil if he was pushed into the business by his parents. Neil said that he actually went to a drama camp and ended up getting into it that way. He said that his parents moved out to L.A. with him and kept the family together. He talked about the Doogie Howser show and how that ran for 4 years. He said that it wasn't like a sitcom and they did it with just one camera.
Howard asked if Neil made some good money and maybe retire on that. Neil said that it was good pay but not that kind of money. He said that it was kind of tough for his parents to do what they did so they did take a little bit of a salary. He said it was kind of strange there for a while.
Howard said that Neil did some strange shows over the years but then he got this ''How I Met Your Mother'' show and did really well with that. He also did some Broadway shows like ''Proof,'' ''Cabaret'' and ''Assassins.''
Howard said that a lot of kids don't make that transition into an adult career after doing stuff as kids. He said that most of the kids don't grow up looking that good. He said that this guy Mason Reese is one of those. The Beaver, Jerry Mathers, is another one. Howard threw out a few other names of kid stars who look kind of odd as adults.
Eric the Midget called in and said hello to Neil. Neil asked if he had made his short movie yet. Eric said that he has not yet made it. Howard had Eric on the studio monitors since he was on his web cam. Howard asked Eric if he wanted a job on that ''How I Met Your Mother'' show. Eric said he just wanted to say hi after hearing him talking about him earlier. Howard told Eric to call back later because he was slowing down the show. He hung up on him and saw that he said ''fuck'' after the hang up.
Howard got back to Neil and talked about ''How I Met Your Mother'' and how the hot chick, Cobie Smulders, on that show is looking kind of chunky. Neil said that she actually lost weight from what he knows. Howard said that he thinks she doesn't look as good as she used to. Howard said he doesn't want to tune in to see reality, he wants to see thin chicks. He said that's why he stopped watching the show.
Howard asked Neil about the Britney Spears controversy on that show he's on. Neil said that things got very weird when she was on. He said that they had people taking pictures all over the place and some other odd stuff. He wasn't upset about her doing the show though. He said that she did a good job on the show. Howard agreed.
Howard said that Britney has to be whacked out of her skull for losing her kids and stuff like that. Neil said that she was very quiet and kept to herself while she was there. He said that she's got people watching her all the time when she's out on the set like that.
Howard said that Mike Walker told them that most of the cast were upset because she smelled bad. Neil said that wasn't true at all. He said that she smelled like perfume. Artie said it would be great if he confirmed that it was a true story. Robin said that maybe it was someone in the crew who said that she smelled bad. Neil wondered who would tell Mike Walker something like that.
Neil said that he was asked a question about Britney being brought on to the show and they didn't even bring her name up when he was asked about it. He said that he doesn't think that they need celebrities to be brought on the show but he wasn't referring to Britney when he gave his answer.
Howard talked about how Neil plays this really manly guy on the show and it turns out that Neil is gay. That came out in the news after this show had started. Neil said that he had checked with the producers before he made any statements. It was Perez Hilton who was trying to out him so hard. He said that he responded to that by coming out and saying that he was gay and he'd had a boyfriend for 2 and a half years.
Artie asked Neil if he ever confronted Perez Hilton. Neil said he didn't. He said that he thinks that in Perez's world that's not something you hide. Howard said that it could hurt Neil's career to come out like that and Perez could have caused some problems.
Howard said that he watches some of these Rock Hudson movies now and thinks differently of the guy but it really doesn't make that much of a difference. Howard said that Gary thought about that for a few episodes but eventually dropped it and figured he was just playing a character. Howard said he thought it was a non-issue at this point.
Robin asked Neil if his career has changed after that. Neil said that he's getting the same kind of offers and he's pretty sure it didn't make a big difference.
Ralph called in and said that he thinks that Perez Hilton is a dick and he shouldn't be outing people the way he does. Neil said that's his job though and that's what he does. Ralph said that Perez is such a ''fuckin' faggot'' because he's so annoying the way he does things. Ralph thinks that Perez tries to out people who he's attracted to and wants to be gay. Howard said that he visits Perez's web site and he's even had him on the show.
Eric the Midget called back and said that he caught at the end of an episode a reference to Doogie Howser. He thought that was pretty cool. Howard hung up on him again after that and didn't let him get in much more than that.
Howard asked Neil about all of the chicks he could have gotten when he was growing up. Neil said that he was able to get some chicks. Artie said that he has a theory that some women are so sensual that even a gay guy would enjoy it if they were with them.
Howard asked Neil when he figured he was gay. Neil said it was probably at 13 or 14 when he first thought about it. He said that he was a late bloomer through puberty and always felt awkward. He said that he wasn't feeling so sexual back then. He said his ears were big back then and he actually had them pinned back later on. He said that they used to stick out a lot so he had them pinned back. Artie told him that it would be something to hang on to when his boyfriend is blowing him.
Neil said that he probably had 15 chicks when he was growing up. He said that he had 2 girlfriends who were kind of prudish when he was about 15. He said that he would try to feel them up and she'd pull back and not let him feel her up. He said that if they had been whorish things might have been different. He said that it was nice when he banged a chick for the first time. He said that it was really fast and she left pretty quick after that.
Howard said that it was amazing that he didn't last long with the chick. Neil said that anything warm in side feels nice. The guys asked him if he ever made out with Max Casella. Neil said he never did and Neil is ''Jersey straight'' and not into that kind of stuff. He said he's still in contact with Max, who co-starred with him on Doogie Howser, and he thinks he's out doing a play on Broadway.
Howard talked to Neil about who his first gay experience was with. Neil said that he was working in the play ''Rent'' when he hooked up with a guy for the first time. That led to the guys talking about having gay kids and what that would be like. Howard said that he doesn't think he'd have a problem if he had a son that turned out to be gay.
Artie said that if he had a kid who turned out to be gay he'd give the kid a hug and tell him that he loves him. He said that he'd be concerned for him but it's a crazy world out there and there are going to be people who can't accept it.
Neil said that his parents were afraid he was going to be on crystal meth and having sex with all kinds of crazy people. Artie joked that he'd kill the guy that his son was fuckin'. Neil said that he and his partner have been together for about 4 years now and they are talking about getting married.
Ralph called in again and asked Neil if he's top, bottom or versatile. Howard told Ralph he's versatile just like he is. Howard asked Neil some more questions about the boyfriend and about his past experiences. Neil joked that the guy who took his gay virginity was Malcolm Jamal Warner after Ralph asked about that.
Artie figured out that Neil was probably making between 50-75,000 per episode. Neil said that it was closer to the lower end. He said that it's an ensemble cast so they make less there. He said that Allison Hanigan is probably considered the big star of that show. They spent a minute talking about her and how she's married to one of the guys from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Howard asked Neil if he ever got any famous chicks. Neil said he did. He said that the one chick he got is married to another star now and it would be best if he didn't mention the name. Howard guessed it was Angelina Jolie so Neil played along with that for a minute.
Howard wanted to know who this woman was. Neil said that it was Christine Taylor, Ben Stiller's wife. Neil said that he knew that if he didn't feel the sparks with her that he must be gay. He said that he was kind of bummed out that he couldn't focus on the girls.
Artie said that Christine is very sexual and he's been around her and knows how hot she is. Howard said that he has a friend who makes love to women all the time. He said that he thinks the guy is gay but the guy is always telling him about his sexual activities and how he bangs these chicks in the ass before he even goes to the vagina. Howard asked Neil if he's ever thought about doing that. Neil said he never did.
Artie asked Neil if he ever got any famous gay guys. Neil said he never did. Artie suggested George Takei. Neil said he just met George recently and he turned out to be a very nice guy.
Neil told Howard that his worst fear about coming out would be doing the Stern Show. He was afraid of the way they were going to treat him there. He said he was having a good time today though. Howard said that Mary McCormack, his movie wife, had sent him a note asking him to be nice to Neil today and he really resents that. He said that he would never do anything mean to someone like Neil.
Neil said that he asked Mary for some advice so that must be where the letter came from. He said he was terrified to do the show today. Howard said that Mary loved doing the kissing scenes with him and they ad-libbed some of the kisses and boob grabs he did. Howard asked Neil if he could get it up for Mary. Neil said ''Absolutely'' and laughed.
Howard asked Neil about working on ''How I Met Your Mother'' and what that's like. He told Howard how rough the schedule is and how they change the script over a few days.
Howard asked Neil about this new ''Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay'' movie he's in. He talked about the creators of the movie and how they were fans of the show.
Howard gave Neil an F, Marry, Kill game to play. He gave him Sylvester Stallone, John Travolta and Tom Cruise. He said that he'd probably fuck Sylvester, kill John Travolta and marry Tom Cruise. Howard gave him another one with Leno, Letterman and Conan O'Brien in it. Neil said he'd fuck Conan, kill Leno and marry Letterman. Howard went over that stuff with him and Neil said that he really doesn't like Jay because he seems to bring people on the show just to make fun of them.
Neil said that Leno actually saved him once when he did this magic trick on the show. He said that he was doing this whole set up with this clock he had where he could set up the time remotely. He said the trick didn't work at all and he kind of panicked and started cursing thinking that they'd cut it all out. He said he thought that they were going to edit it out and that's exactly what they did.
Ralph gave Neil an F, Marry, Kill with Howard, Fred and Gary in the group. Neil said he'd fuck Howard, marry Fred and kill Gary. Howard told Fred to put his penis in Neil's mouth to see how that would be. Fred said that doesn't happen until they get married. Artie told him that by not talking about the guys he's been with, he's already fucked Howard.
Howard asked Neil about ''How I Met Your Mother'' and how that's doing in the ratings. He said that they're up against Dancing with the Stars and they're having a hard time keeping up with that. He said that dancing show isn't even that good so he doesn't get it. He said he does watch some of the reality shows. He said he likes the real ones, not the scripted reality shows. He said that he doesn't like shows like The Bachelor because they're so fake.
Neil said he loves Survivor, Amazing Race and American Idol. He thinks that David Archeletta is going to win this season. He said that guy would make a perfect American Idol. Neil said that he even votes when he watches the show.
Artie said that two people in the room have voted for American Idol and one of them is gay. He said that Howard was the other one. Howard said that he has voted a few times. He voted for Sanjaya and for Kelly Clarkson. Howard said that there's no one as bad as Sanjaya this season.
Howard asked Neil how weird it would be to have to make out with Britney Spears on ''How I Met Your Mother'' if she returns and plays his girlfriend. He thinks that it would be awesome.
Howard gave Neil a plug for ''Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay'' and talked about that for a short time. He mentioned that in the movie Harold and Kumar are trying to get to Amsterdam to smoke more weed. He talked about how he's going out there soon and he can't wait. Artie told him how great the weed is over there.
Howard said that Neil is also part of this Justice League cartoon. Howard said that he would love to get that kind of work himself. He said he'd like to play a villain or something. Neil said that they could sell a ton of DVDs if he was doing the voice of a villain. Neil played the Flash in one cartoon and did the voice of Spider-Man in another animated series.
Howard said that he'd do the voices just for the fun of it. He said that he wouldn't care so much about the money. Neil told him about all of the different types of voices and sound effects that he had to do. Howard said he could do that and demonstrated some of the noises he could make. Fred threw in some sounds as well as they were talking about that.
Neil said that he has sex with this woman in the new movie and she has the biggest tits in the world. Howard interrupted that and said that he heard that Jason was asked, by Tim Sabean, not to talk about using drugs over in Amsterdam. Howard said he heard that Jason is the biggest pot head in the world. Artie said that he tried to talk to Jason over there but he was a real zombie and emotionless while he was over there.
Howard heard that Brian Phelan was even worse than Jason was. Jason said that it was non stop going at it over there. Howard heard that his eating was out of control too. Jason said that's bullshit and he hardly ate over there.
Shuli came in and said that they were all out eating and Jason was eating quite a bit out there. He said that he ordered pancakes and eggs and they were two different plates full of food. Neil saw Shuli and seemed surprised at what he looks like.
Howard asked Tim to come in and explain why he doesn't want them talking about drugs. Tim said that they want them to act responsibly and not talk about drug use. Tim said that's fine if he wants to talk about it with Howard. Gary asked Tim if he had a talk with someone else and that's where this is coming from. Tim said he hadn't but the guys seemed to think that he had.
Howard kicked everyone out and wrapped up with Neil a short time later. Richard Christy is also in the new movie playing a Klan member. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard had some various audio clips to play. The first one was John McCain talking about the state of the country and he slips up and says ''credit cunt'' instead of ''credit crunch'' at one point. Howard and Artie seemed to like that one.
Howard had another clip of a news reporter saying ''shit'' on the air. In that clip the reporter is talking about a ship sinking and says shit instead of ship.
Howard had another clip of a sports reporter saying that David Kennedy had been ''jerked off'' out in the field. He quickly played another one where an umpire says ''fuck'' during and ESPN broadcast.
Howard had a phony phone call that Sal and Richard made using clips of him doing his mother's voice during a recent segment. They edited some clips and called a gay phone sex line with those clips. Howard played that call where he's asking the gay guy to give it to him. The gay guy starts going at it with the clips. They had Howard moaning with the guy on the line and asking the guy to show him his horse cock and things like that.
Howard said that the Pope was there in the city so they sent Sal out to ask some Catholic people what they thought about him being there. In the first clip Sal asked a woman what she thought about the Jews complaining about the Pope stealing attention away from Passover. The woman said she didn't know much about the Jewish people but it could be much less annoying living in a country without Jews.
In another clip Sal asked a Muslim guy what he thought about the Pope and he was telling him ''screw them all.'' He said that the Pope is nothing and everyone knows he's nothing.
Howard said he had a clip of Crazy Alice calling in and talking about how upset she was. She had a breakdown over that whole thing. Artie said he heard about that on a news brief.
Howard said he had some news clips about Artie and some Stuttering John clips as well. He said that John was on the Tonight Show as a guest because he was out to promote his new movie. Howard said that Robin was on a bunch of shows too.
Howard played some of the reports about Artie's breakdown on the air. Artie said that it was an unbelievable embarrassing breakdown. The first clip was one where they reported about Artie's fight with Teddy and how it all came about. They threw in some of the comments that Artie had made about Teddy during that argument. Howard said that report actually came from Toronto.
Howard said that it really pissed him off that people thought this was a stunt. He played another one from a FOX affiliate where they reported on the fight. That led to Howard talking about how he was afraid that Artie was going to lunge at him when he was saying goodbye.
Howard said that he's the only one who has a copy of Artie's meltdown on video but they will air that this week on Howard TV. He said that people were angry with him about not playing the replay last week but they can hear his explanation for that on the replay today.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she was very upset about Artie leaving and she didn't know what she would do if he really left.
another woman called in and said that she wanted to know more about this stuff during the week and they didn't give anyone any information. She said that it was like Howard was glossing over this stuff today. She said that they didn't touch on how Artie is feeling and how his trip to Amsterdam went. Howard said that they already spoke about that stuff. She wanted to hear what Gary had to say about it too.
Howard said that Gary was talking to him about how he doesn't understand how Artie can piss all of this great stuff away. Gary said that Artie has all of this great stuff and has a lot of people who love him and he doesn't seem to see that.
Howard said he thought that if Artie had heard that show again on the air, it could have set him off again. He didn't want to aggravate the situation so that's why he pulled the replay. Artie said that was the right way to do things and he made the right decision.
Howard said that the Howard TV guys had a clip of Artie blowing up in the studio that they were going to play. They played the clip a few seconds later and we heard the part where Artie got up and went after Teddy. Artie said that he has a great arm and that showed when he threw his water. He said that was the most disturbing thing he's ever seen.
Howard went to another call and the guy said that he thinks that Artie had a moment of clarity and he sees how great he's really got it. Artie said that he had a good point. Artie said that when he talks about leaving the show, it's not about the show, it's all about him. He said that it did give him a moment of clarity when he saw how much people love him unconditionally.
Another caller said that it was all Howard's fault for doing what he did. Howard said that he spoke to Robin about that and they have all aired really intense emotion on the air but there is a point when they go too far and they have walked off the show. He said that this is going to happen on the air all the time and he doesn't feel responsible for what happened.
Artie said that he promised that he would never do that again on the air and he screwed up. He said that Teddy had no reason to believe that this was going to happen and it really wasn't Howard's fault. He said that a lot of stuff has happened since then and this guy is off base blaming Howard.
Ralph called in again and said that Howard is responsible in a way because he loves arguments. He said that people want to perform for him and that might be why someone might go too far like that. Ralph was also kind of upset that Robin didn't call him to go to her big charity event. He said that she does that when she's dating someone. Robin said it was just an oversight on her part.
Howard said he heard that Dominic was at the event and heard that he's fatter than ever. Robin said that she was watching 60 Minutes last night and they were saying that people don't gain weight back after those operations but he did and now he's walking around with a cane.
Howard said that he heard that Dominic had to order a big portion of pasta at the event even though they weren't serving pasta at the event. He just couldn't eat the stuff that Robin was having served. Artie said that's just weird.
Ralph said that Dominic bought up all of the raffle tickets they were selling and Dominic wanted someone else to split the cost with him. Then Dominic won like 4 or 5 things and then gave them away so this other guy wasn't going to get anything.
Dominic called in and said that he's not as fat as he used to be. He said that he can't eat the food that they were serving at that event. That's why he ordered the pasta. He said that this wasn't about him either. Howard asked him about the cane and why he's doing that. Dominic said that he's having an operation on that this week.
Dominic said that he didn't want to talk about himself, he wanted to talk about this charity event. He was ignoring Howard's questions. Howard tried to find out more but Dominic was telling really annoying stories. He was there putting his hands on Don Buchwald and annoying the crap out of him.
Howard let Dominic go and took a call from Ed Torian the Lie Detector guy. He told Artie that he's glad that he's back on the show and that he's the man. He said he knew that he was going to make it back.
Artie said that he respects Fred's opinion and said that he's right. He said he has no explanation for that behavior.
Fred said that he didn't even know what was going on at the time and didn't realize that Artie was going after Teddy until it had already happened.
Howard said that Teddy was there but he wasn't sure if he wanted to bring him in again. He said he might say ''Bloomies'' and that might set him off again. That led to Howard playing a clip of Robin saying ''What the F is going on here!?'' right after Artie snapped that day.
A woman called in and told Howard that he was probably right for not replaying those shows that day. Howard said that he knows that some people disagreed but he felt that it was the right decision.
Ralph called in AGAIN and said that he doesn't get the Bloomies comment and he really should have punched Teddy in the face over that. Howard told him he's wrong about that. Artie said that it was kind of ridiculous. Ralph asked if he has been fired. Artie said that right now Teddy isn't his assistant but they're going to work something out.
Howard asked Teddy to come in if he wanted to. teddy came in and said that he didn't see Artie out in Amsterdam. He said that he made sure he kept his distance from him out there. He said that he did have a good time out in Amsterdam. He said that he is worried about Artie and he was worried about the show. He said that he'd be getting death threats if Artie didn't show up today.
Howard asked Teddy if he's still trying to get some of Artie's income. Teddy said that right now he's not doing anything for the guy but they will talk. Artie asked him if he wanted to be his road guy. Teddy said he can't agree to do anything for him at this point. He said it's too soon.
Artie asked Teddy if he was the spy for the NY Post article about them seeing each other at the airport. Teddy said it was probably Brad Driver who reported it to Howard 100 News and then Page Six picked it up off of that report.
Teddy said that it's just too soon to do anything for Artie right now. Artie said that he feels bad that he's taking income away from Teddy. Teddy said that everything is fine, he's talking to his family about that stuff.
Double A called in and said that Artie must have gotten some lecture because he's acting so strange today. Howard went to another call from a guy who asked if Senator Arlen Specter had crossed paths with Scott the Engineer because his cancer is back. Howard heard that he got it and it really saddened him. He said that he did cross paths with Scott and shook hands with him.
Howard said that he heard that Artie had called Gary after the Teddy fight and talked about the guy from the E Street Band who had just passed away.
Howard said he was thinking about erasing the voice mail messages that he got from Artie. Artie said it was up to him but Howard said he wasn't sure if he could delete them or not. He said that Artie did break down in the calls so he might have to wait and replay them for Artie first.
Gary came in and said that he heard that Teddy was walking around in disguise over in Amsterdam so Artie wouldn't see him. He showed them a picture of him in the disguise and got some laughs from Artie.
Howard moved on to play some clips of Crazy Alice talking about Artie and how she wanted him to come back to the show. She broke down and cried talking about that stuff. She blamed Howard for being too hard on Artie and making him do what he did.
Ralph called in AGAIN and told Howard he has to play those voice mails from Artie. He said that he goes on and on for like 2 hours in them. Ralph said that he has to play them because they were so great. Howard said that he'll play them if Artie okays it after hearing them.
Howard played another clip where a reporter talked about Artie's walk off. That reporter was upset about him walking off as well. The guy on that show was from Fort Myers, Florida and he was very nice about the whole thing.
Robin said that she was amazed at how many people heard that segment. it seemed like everyone had heard it and that's not possible on satellite radio.
Howard said that Stuttering John was out being interviewed by Jillian Barberie and ended up talking about the Artie thing with her. John told Jillian that he had tried to call Artie but he didn't call him back. He didn't think it was a stunt. Jillian was talking about Artie's weight and stuff like that with John. The guy on that show asked John if it was true that Artie had been hired to be Craig Ferguson's announcer. John seemed to find that pretty funny.
Howard played another clip where these newscasters reported about the walk off. Howard said he's really annoyed that they play the show in the background as they report on this stuff. He played one more where the reporters talked about the fight and then went into a story about Vanilla Ice getting into some trouble with the law.
Artie said that Mel Karmazin was very nice and so was Greenstein and all of those guys. He said he had a meeting with Don Buchwald too. He said that there's something very soothing about talking to that guy because everything seems fine when you talk to him. He said that it was like therapy with him.
Howard said that he had some stuff going on in his life last week and Don put it all into perspective for him and he felt a great release after that talk. He said that he really does put him at ease. Howard told Artie that before he had Don in his life he had no guidance. He said that he needed someone to turn to and Don turned out to be a great guy. He said that maybe Artie needs someone like that.
Artie said that he and his manager Peter were close but he's got a new management team now. He said that every famous person he's worked with would be insanely jealous of the relationship Howard has with Don. Howard said he feels like he has a friend with Don as his agent. He said he gives him very good common sense advice. Artie said that Don is really great and he realized how and why he's successful after hanging out with him.
Howard said he heard that the girls weren't that hot but the guys were telling him that there were some hot ones there. Jason said that he saw some really smokin' hot chicks over there. He said that they have different girls at night than they do during the day. Artie said he saw the girls in the afternoon and they weren't that hot.
Jason said that the girls there were so hot that they could be models here in this country. Jason told the guys about the stuff that goes on over there and they wondered how he knew. Jason said that he asked questions while they were over there. Jason said that you can't touch the girls for the flat rate of 50 Euros. He said that you have to pay extra to touch their boobs and stuff.
Jason said that the weed was great over there. He said that what Artie smoked was something called ''Northern Lights.'' Gary heard that they saw a whore come out chasing one guy out of the room that she was in and hitting the guy.
Jason said that the whores will knock on their windows and try to get your attention as you walk by. They'll even come out and pull you into the room. He said that some of the girls are Pam Anderson hot too.
Gary said that the hottest girls are out on weekend nights. Ralph was back on the phone and talking about the whores and saying that if you do something like that, you're still a loser. He said that if you're getting a chick like that, you're a loser.
Howard heard that Jason was eating French fries drenched in mayonnaise and his weight is out of control at this time. Ralph told him he's not just fat, he's really wide. Jason said that everyone was eating over there and he was just eating what he had available. He said that he was stoned and drinking so he was eating too.
Jason said that they did this one thing over there called Pure THC that was pretty intense. Ralph said he would never fly 8-10 hours just to go smoke pot.
Brian Phelan came in and talked about Jason getting high and what he does. They ended up talking about Brian puking through his nose at one time. The guys were all over the place talking about the stuff that they were doing over there. Shuli came in and said that Brian had taken too many mushrooms over there and took them with alcohol which is something you're not supposed to do.
Howard heard that Jason canceled his gym membership so he could afford to go over there. He said that wasn't true. Shuli told Howard about the mushrooms you can buy over there and how they have descriptions for what they do. Brian said that he just wanted to laugh so he took the lightest ones.
Howard said he had to get to this win Fred's Money game and wanted to wrap this up. Then he found out that Jason was only 29 years old and said that he thought he was much older. They spent some time talking about that.
Artie was saying that people are thinner over there in Amsterdam because they all have to get around on bikes. He said that the bathroom was very small and he could barely fit into the room.
Howard heard that the guys watched a girl being robbed out there in Amsterdam and they didn't bother helping her. Jason said that they did that and then asked the woman for directions because they were lost. They didn't go to help her at all.
Will told Jim to tell the story about how they met. Jim said that he met her in a cab that he shared with her and he was able to convince them to come up to his apartment with him. He got her up there. Jason came in and said that she would have been a 7 in the window over in Amsterdam.
Sarah said that she was a massage therapist so Artie asked her to go with him to the Four Seasons with him right then. Howard asked how that all goes down. She said that she gets hit on all the time and she's had guys pop rods while she's massaging them. She just ignores them. She said she gets $60 per massage.
Howard had Sarah get behind their curtain and disrobe so they can prepare for Jim to lose. She said that she has been a stripper so she has taken her clothes off in front of men before. That was when she was 21 but she didn't like having guys stare at her.
Howard said he hopes that Jim loses today. Howard said that the $5,000 is coming from Howard TV. They're promoting their new Bowling Beauties show that's starting soon.
Fred went off into Robin's booth and Howard spent another minute with Sarah before reading the questions. Here's what he asked
Howard asked if she would give a massage naked. She said it would only happen if the guy was her boyfriend. Howard said that she must be up for anything sexually. She said that she's up for doing anything once. She had tried anal once. Howard told her that she might want to try Artie just once. Jim said that he hasn't done anything too crazy with Sarah.
Howard got in a plug for the Howard TV show since they were sponsoring this segment. He asked Sarah about how many times she and Jim could have sex in one night. She said that they can go 2 or 3 times. Jim said that they're going to Nobu tonight and they went to Rick's the other night. He's having the whole Howard Stern Experience while they're there. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Howard said that he was starting to use drugs back around the time that song came out and he wanted to be experienced like Jimi was. He said he was really turned off to drugs at the time but Jimi had gotten him into them.
Artie said that his uncle had an acid experience similar to what Howard had. He said that it really threw him off and screwed him up. Howard said that he thought he was going crazy and would end up in a mental institution after he took acid.
Robin said that she knew a guy who ripped his eyeballs out after he used some kind of hallucinogen. She said she wasn't suer what drug it was though.
Howard had Fred crank up the Hendrix song. Fred threw in some bong sound effects in there. Howard said that Jimi would have ended up on VH-1 in a reality show if he was still alive. He said he finds that these cooking reality shows are the strangest because he can't imagine anyone would want to follow anyone cooking. Howard said that he thinks that a lot of these chefs are nuts after seeing some of these shows.
Howard said that there are a lot of dating reality shows too. He talked about some of those and some of the home make over shows. He said that they have this one called ''Date My House'' and they have people live in a house to see if they want to buy it.
Gary told Howard that Shuli told him that the reason he hasn't tried acid is because of the stories he's heard Howard tell.
Howard ended up doing his impression of the dean from ''Animal House' and that got Artie doing the impression as well. Steve got back to his Howard 100 News preview and mentioned some of the stuff that they'll have about Artie's return.
Steve said they'll have a story about Robin's charity event on today's news. That led to Howard talking to Robin about how much she was in the press during the vacation. Robin said that was not her doing, she doesn't usually do that stuff and she was only doing it for the charity.
Steve said that they have a story about Kenneth Keith Kallenbach and his trouble with the law and his illness. He apparently has Cystic Fibrosis.
Steve said there's a special Superfan Roundtable on tonight at 7pm on Howard 101. Greg Fitzsimmons will be on tonight at midnight.
Howard said that they got their first tape and resume after Artie left the show, within a couple of hours of his leaving. Gary came in and said that the person sent stuff in the next day, it wasn't 2 hours later. Artie asked if it was someone he knows. Gary hesitated for a second but said it was someone he knows. Artie said that he wouldn't be that mad at the person if he found out who it was.
Gary said that they have heard from this person before and he's tried to get on the show before and Artie has been very supportive of that. Howard said that was enough of that and had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview.
Jon ran down his list of stuff that they'd be trying to cover today on the Wrap Up Show. Jon mentioned the Artie stuff and that will probably take up most of their time. He said they'll also talk about Neil Patrick Harris and everything else that happened on the show today.
Robin got into her news and talked about some of the stuff that went on at the charity dinner that she held last week. She said that they had a woman talking about having her clitoris cut off over in Eritrea. That led to Howard asking if she can get wet and stuff like that as they were going over that. Howard said that would be a great girl for him to date because he'd have an excuse for not getting her off. Artie said that would be a lot of pressure off of you if you were dating someone like that. Robin thanked everyone who showed up to the event.
Howard said that Fred was off in Utah skiing or something. He said he had to hear everything when he made the mistake of calling him about something during the vacation. He said he was just kidding about that.
Robin got into her news and talked about the Pope being in town. They played some audio clips and talked about his strange German accent.
Ralph called in once again and said that this Africa place seems like the worst place on earth. He said that the blacks are very angry about slavery but they're lucky they got to come to this country. Artie said they probably would have appreciated better treatment here. Robin said that she said that she told someone she was glad her ancestors were slow runners.
Howard got back to doing his Pope impression and playing tape of the Pope making a speech. He and Artie goofed on him a little bit doing the accent. Howard was talking about the Pope's assistant and making jokes about Artie and Teddy as if the Pope and his assistant had the same type of conversations about ''Bloomies'' and stuff like that.
Robin read some stories about the Pope and then one about Roger Ebert who has had more health problems. He fell and broke his hip. Howard said that he hears from his wife now and then and he's thinking of Roger. He said he's a great guy. That led to Fred playing one of Artie's huge snores from the day he fell asleep and fell off his bed in the studio.
Robin read a story about some kids who put a bag of feces in a microwave oven in a convenience store. Howard mentioned that Bubba the Love Sponge and Ralph both celebrated their birthday's yesterday. Robin said that it was also Pot Day yesterday.
Robin read another story about a kid who was swept into a lake by a gust of wind. She had one about a guy who died after trying to chase his son after he went over a waterfall. She read through the details of those stories. She had another one about a kid who was found to be creating a bomb to blow up his school. The kid was calling his plan ''Columbine 3.''
Ralph was on the phone again. Howard asked him how old he is today. Ralph said he's 43 and said he found it hard to believe that Jason is only 29. He said he though that he was 40. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go.
Robin got back to her news and read through a few more stories. She had one about a guy who kept his wife locked in a cage for the first few days of their marriage. She talked about this Polygamy cult that's been in the news lately. Howard said he thought some of the chicks were kind of hot but Robin didn't see any that looked good to her.
The guys took a look at Robin's dress that she wore on The View last week. Howard said that it looked very strange and he can't imagine it's safe to wear. He said that it holds your arms down and it could keep you from doing something to save yourself during a fire or something.
Howard said that Elisabeth Hasselback is looking good. He said he got to meet her recently but he didn't want to say how they met. He said he changed his whole opinion of her after meeting her. Robin said she seemed to be in love with him when she did The View.
Robin read through some more stories. She had one about John McCain and his comments about Barack Obama. Howard said that Ralph was on the phone again and he's called in 18 times so far. He's only picked up 9 times. Ralph got on once again and said that he wanted to talk about Robin on The View. Howard said that he seems to be on some kind of calling in frenzy. Ralph said that it was important to talk about the dress that Robin was wearing. He said it was bizarre and it was like her arms were connected to her legs. Howard asked her if she was on crystal meth or something.
Howard spent a minute talking about Robin's dress and how freaky it was. He said that the designer, Norma Kamali, is out of her mind. He said that she probably made it as a good and wanted to see who would buy it. Robin said that she probably can't even eat in that dress. She said that it was just to make those TV appearances.
Ralph said that Robin was workin' it and posing when she went out there. Howard said that it's like the 2008 version of the straight jacket. He asked her if she could wipe her ass in that dress. She said she didn't have to go to the bathroom while she was in it.
Robin went through some more stories and Howard took another call from a guy who said that he thought Howard was against pot. Howard said that he doesn't think that pot is the problem. He said that it is smoke and he sees what smoke does to one's lungs and he hates what that does to people. He said that he's told his kids not to inhale smoke whatever they do. He said that he thinks that life is pretty terrific straight and any drug that you use isn't really necessary. He said that it's all just there to keep people from being bored.
Howard tried rushing Robin through her stories so he could get out of there. It was after 11 at that point and he was asking her ''anything else?'' in the middle of the stories. Robin pushed on and went through a bunch of stories anyway. They ended the show around 11:10am.
Artie was in so Jon and Gary asked him about his fight with Teddy and his trip to Amsterdam. Artie said that he thought about it after the fight that day and said he really did want to go back.
Gary said that Artie told him that he wasn't sure if he was going to make it back and he was done with the show. He thought he was never going to see him again.
Artie said that he got home and called Howard that day and he wasn't sure what was going on that day. He figured that maybe they accepted the resignation and they really were going to let him go. He said that he just disconnected himself from everyone that day and over that weekend. He got home the Monday after that fight and checked his 39 voice mail messages. He said that some fans and friends called him and he said it was heartbreaking to hear them saying what they said. He said that Jimmy Kimmel was so nice to him and it was really touching when he heard what he was offering him. The same thing with David Spade. Artie said that Spade had that bad experience with his assistant so he could kind of relate to that.
Artie said that Norm MacDonald called him and left a weird message and talked about how strange things were but then changed subjects to the Yankees sucking so far.
Artie went on to talk about how crazy things got for him and how touching it was that so many people cared. He said that he's one of the only two guys who have gotten physical on the show. He said that's not that great to be known for something like that on the show.
Artie said that he called Howard 3 times before he went on his trip. Then he got a call from his lawyer and his manager and they were talking to him about the craziness of the whole thing. They figured he should take a break because he was under so much pressure. He said that maybe they'd let him take a sabbatical or something.
Artie said he got the call from Howard and they had a great conversation about the whole thing. He said that Howard was telling him that he was going to have to speak to some other people there before they could have him back. He said that it was really surreal to be talking to Howard the way he was on the phone. He said that it was very special to him to be able to speak to a hero of his the way he was. He said that it turns out he's a great friend to him and he takes that all very seriously.
Artie said that Howard was telling him he hopes that all of this can blow over and that they can just move on. He said that he had to pinch himself thinking that they were a good comic team together after Howard told him that. He said that he kind of knew that already but it was nice to hear Howard say that to him. He said that blew him away.
Artie said that he had tunnel vision to get back on the show and back to the great life and job he has there. He said he would do whatever he had to do to get back on the show. He said that he had a meeting with Don Buchwald about the whole thing and he really put things in perspective for him in a way that no one else ever has.
Artie said that Don Buchwald and Howard have a great relationship and he really admires that. He said Don was going to talk to Mel about the whole thing and that's what he did and that helped things out. He said that he got the okay from Mel and the rest of the guys and that's how he got back on the show. He said that he knew that everything was cool and he never wanted a vacation to end so quickly. He said he just wanted to get back to work.
Artie said that he went out and did some gigs last week and got to feel really good about himself. He said that it felt really good to do that show because it was to help out the family of a fire fighter who passed away. He said that all of his old friends were there and he got to tell everyone he was going to be back.
Artie said he did another gig at Levy's Comedy Club on Friday night and the crowd cheered him so long that he almost broke down and cried right on stage. Then they did another one on Saturday night and he got another ovation. He said that they had to do this show for Beetlejuice because he's having some troubles.
Artie said that Bob Levy is a great guy and he'll do these shows for free to help people out. He said that they do that once in a while and Bob is always willing to do these free benefit shows.
Jon asked Artie what he expected this morning when he came in. Artie said that he's used to coming on the air after doing embarrassing stuff. He said that he did the Vegas thing when he got really drunk and blacked out on the air. He also did the Queer Eye thing and felt embarrassed by that whole thing. He said that it was extra embarrassing that time because the guys were so disgusted by him after what he had done to them during their video shoot.
Artie said that he was cool with Howard this morning so they were laughing when he came in. He said that he didn't know what to expect about what they were going to do on the show though. He wasn't sure if Howard was going to play those voice mails or not.
Artie said that some of the guys left him messages and no one acted negatively toward him. He said that he was worried that Teddy hated him. He said that he really was worried about that and he didn't want him to hate him for what he did.
Artie said that Teddy has been a fan of his for a long time and he really didn't want him to dislike him after working for him. He said that he didn't want him to think he was a dick just because he had worked for him after being a huge fan of his. He said that they had become really close working on the road and he hoped that he hadn't screwed that up.
Artie said that Teddy looked mad at him at the airport but he didn't get to talk to him at the time. Teddy said he wasn't mad, he was in fear. He said that the look at the airport was more of him soiling himself than being angry.
Jim McClure was saying that he and Teddy were in the bar in the airport and he was afraid that Artie was going to see him ride by on a cart or something. He'd hide every time he would hear a cart driving by. They have a guy there at the airport who can give them the information. Artie said that the guy at the airport is a really nice guy and he's helped him out a lot.
Gary said that he's seen the video of Artie freaking out and he has to give Ronnie a shout out to Ronnie for jumping on Teddy and dragging him out of the studio to save him. He said that was smarter than trying to stop Artie. He said that Teddy was in his office that day and they were hiding him in there so Artie wouldn't see him.
Jon said that he threw Teddy in there because he knew that Artie was looking for him and figured that was the last place he'd look. They had to go to break a short time later.
Ralph said that they should have given more information like where Jimmy Kimmel's house was and maybe talk more about David Spade's assistant. He said those were just things he had in his notes.
Ralph said that he's also wondering when they're going to be done with the Artie show with him sleeping and fighting and all of this. Jon and Gary said that they think that Ralph is drunk this morning and that's what's going on with these calls. Ralph said he was fine but he did drink last night.
Jason asked Ralph when he stoped drinking. Ralph said he didn't know and he had lost his jacket and some other stuff.
Jon let Ralph go and took some more phone calls. One guy said that he was glad that Artie was back and the show would suck without him. He said that he can't imagine hearing Eric the Midget or Blue Iris on without Artie making fun of them. He said he was depressed by the whole thing and so glad he's back.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he was praying to Jesus that Teddy would be struck dead for getting Artie kicked off the show. He said that Teddy is lucky that he didn't get booted. Teddy said that he was getting threats that he might get death threats if Artie didn't return.
The caller asked Gary if there was any real notion that he might be suspended or fired. Gary said that there were discussions about what they could and couldn't do legally. He said that Artie had called him and told him that he couldn't do it anymore so they were just going to move on. He said that Artie changed his mind after that and that all changed.
Benjy asked if that was regular anger or if Artie was flipping out or if there was something else going on. Gary said he thinks that it was stress from getting up early and working late at night and things like that. It all came crashing down on him and it was like a snow ball effect according to Jon.
Gary asked if Artie was going to do anything about his health problems. Jon said he did talk about taking a sabbatical but he's not sure if he's actually going to do anything about it. Gary said he'd like to know if he's going to do anything.
Jason said that the answer is no. He said that he hasn't changed his breakfast order or anything like that. He said that his doctor told him he's on the edge of death but Artie never said he was going to take any steps to fix that.
Jon said that Jason took some crap about his weight today too. Jason said he knows he's put on a lot of weight and it is embarrassing. He said that he has no defense there though. Gary said that the office was really piling on Jason today when he was on the air.
Jason said that Howard gets a look of disgust on his face when he sees something he doesn't like and he saw that look today. Jason said that he's going to start a diet today and Amsterdam was a wake up call for him. He could barely fit in the bathrooms over there. Jon had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking to JD about a Baba Booey mention on David Letterman's show. Howard said that he had been doing the show for a half hour off the air already. He played the clip from Letterman where they were doing the Top 10 list. There was a Baba Booey mention in that and Dave even threw in a plug for Howard's show and SIRIUS radio. Howard said that was a nice plug and he should ask Dave if he wants to do a little show on one of his channels.
Howard said he's pretty sure that Dave wouldn't do anything like that but he would like to ask. Artie said that Dave is very witty and he might be good doing something like that. Artie said he knows that the writers over there are big fans of the show too.
Howard said that Ralph called the Wrap Up Show yesterday and he told the guys that he'd had enough of Artie already. Then it came out on the air that maybe Ralph has been drinking. He said that wasn't what he was pissed about though. He said he's changed the schedule for the guys there and they've moved their meeting to Tuesdays.
He didn't finish that thought before he played a clip of Ralph's call to the Wrap Up Show. Ralph said that he wanted to know what happened with Artie but no one would tell him the details. The guys figured he was drunk and Ralph admitted that he had been out drinking last night. The guys were asking about the drinking in that clip.
After playing the clip Howard said that he can only stomach about 45 minutes with Ralph when he comes over with clothes for him to try on. He said that once he tries the clothes on Ralph leaves. He said he pays Ralph enough to live on to do that for him. He said he's been changing his schedule around and he was supposed to meet with Ralph yesterday at 3:15. He said he should have been done with him by 4pm.
Howard said he was running around doing all kinds of stuff and he got home in time for Ralph. He said he was there by 3 o'clock. Ralph failed to show up at 3:15 so he figured he'd made a mistake and maybe he told him 3:30. Then it was 3:43 and he realized he was late for the one appointment that he had with him that week.
Howard said that he had to make a lot of phone calls and he was waiting for Ralph to show up. He could show up at any moment but he had to make this phone call. He said that Beth wasn't around so he had to make this call. Howard called Ralph first to find out where he was. He didn't answer.
Howard said he made his phone call but then he heard his door man calling for him. It was 3:50. He said that he was on a conference call and he wasn't able to pick up the door man and he knew that it was Ralph. He said that he knows that Ralph knows to get a key and to let himself in but he wasn't doing that.
Howard said that he put everyone on hold and went to pick up the door man's call. He went to pick up and it stopped ringing. Then he went back to his call and he hears his door bell ringing. He ended up yelling at the door and telling Ralph to go home because he can't follow directions.
Howard said that he had to put his call on hold again and went to get the door. He said he told Ralph that he was late and useless. He said that he was supposed to have a key. Ralph apologized and went into his closet to do his thing. Howard said that shithead was flitting around his apartment and he was totally aggravated with him.
Howard said that he's having a new wall built in his apartment so Ralph can't hear him on these calls he makes. He said he was really aggravated with Ralph so he went back to see him and asked him what his problem was. Ralph said he called 3 times to tell him that he was going to be late. Then Ralph said that he couldn't get through but there is never a busy signal on his phone so he didn't know what he was talking about.
Howard said he was supposed to go out to dinner with his cousin Richie last night. He was trying to rush through the Ralph thing but Ralph was making some kind of sound like he was in pain. It turns out Ralph ended up getting diarrhea from some anti-biotic's that he was on.
Howard said that he told Ralph he heard about the Wrap Up show and that he had been drinking all night. He said that might have something to do with his diarrhea. Ralph didn't think that was it at all. Howard said he and Ralph eventually got to work on the clothing thing but Ralph kept saying ''Ohhhh my stomach!'' through the whole thing. He said that he knew that he had been drinking and taking the anti-biotic's and he figured that's what was giving him the problem.
Artie said that Ralph couldn't function in a regular job with the way he does stuff. Howard said that Ralph is talented but he's scatterbrained and he can't do things on time. He said that he needs him one day a week and he can't even get there on time for that one day. The guys talked about how easy Ralph has it and how he seems to be able to tell other people how to do their jobs but he can't do his own.
Howard said that you can see how severe the situation was when you watch that show. He said that this was no laughing matter and it was no con-job like some people think it was.
Artie said that he loves George Takei and his boyfriend Brad and he would do anything for them. He said that when he calls someone a fag he's not doing that because he's anti-gay or anything. It's just his way of going after someone. He said that everyone there uses that word there and he could pull tape of it if they wanted him to.
Howard said that he doesn't use that word anymore but maybe he did in the past. Artie said that he had Jason pull tape of Howard using it though.
Howard said that he'd had enough of that and he was done with the conversation. He told Artie to do whatever it was he anted to do. Artie said ''Artie's gonna do what Artie's gonna do.''
Howard said that he can't believe how he looks when he stands there in the studio. He said he looks like Olive Oyl with a 5 o'clock shadow. He said that's the actual reason he held back the Artie replay, he didn't want people seeing him standing up in the studio. He said he just looks awkward in there.
Howard told Artie that he's a good looking guy but Artie doesn't believe that. Howard said that Beth tells him every time she sees him on TV that he's a good looking guy. Howard said that he's seen pictures of Artie when he was thin and he really was a good looking dude.
Artie said that he's lucky that he has the amount of hair he has. That led to Howard talking to him about how lucky he is to have hair at the age of 40. He said that he should lose some weight and find a chick while he still has hair.
Howard said he was watching The Bachelor and saw this one chick skiing with the guy on the show and talking about how patient he was with them while he was teaching her how to ski. She said that he would make a great father because of that patience. Howard said that his patience has to do with his desire for pussy. That doesn't mean he's going to make a great father.
Artie told a story about a chick who he was out with who wrote a spec script for ''Everybody Loves Raymond'' and wanted him to pass it along. He said that's what L.A. is like. Howard said that most of the scripts are probably horrible.
Robin reminded everyone that Steve Grillo wrote a script for The Simpsons. They discussed that for a short time and goofed on Steve Grillo for a couple of minutes. Howard was doing his impression of Steve reading that script on the air. Artie said that he loved the Grillo goofing back when he was on the show.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he'd like to have Ralph's job. He didn't sound like he had any experience but the guy said that he could learn. That led to the guys talking about Ralph again. Howard said that he thinks that Ralph knows his style and what he likes to wear so that's why he keeps him around. He's had people tell him that he could dress better but he likes what Ralph gets for him.
Bobo asked Artie if he would ever get a ''system'' on his head like he has if he ever lost his hair. Artie said he probably wouldn't. Howard said he liked the way he called it a ''system'' and goofed on him about that. Bobo said that he's got a look now and even has a pony tail in the back. Howard said that the system is just another word for bad hair. He said that everyone knows when you have a hair piece like that.
Artie said that it screams ''loser'' to him. Howard said that some people are able to get a great system and it kind of works for certain people. Robin said that Burt Reynolds is one of those people. He used to have a great piece. Robin said that Sean Connery had a good system too.
Howard said that Bobo must look really odd with the pony tail. He said he must look like Daniel Boone. He asked Bobo how old he is. Bobo said that he's 55. Howard told him that he can't look good with a pony tail at 55. He said it screams mid-life crisis.
Howard said that he can't imagine that the pony tail is a good look for him. Bobo said that if they had him up to the studio, no one could guess his age. The guys were talking about Bobo's job as a driving instructor. He's been doing that for a long time now. He said he does mostly classroom instruction.
Howard said that it must be a tough dealing with people who can't drive. Bobo said he made the news a few years ago when one of his students drove through a rail road crossing when a train was coming. He let Bobo go but asked Jason if he had the picture of him with his pony tail. He was looking for one but he didn't remember taking the one that Bobo was talking about.
Howard and Artie ended up talking about Jason's weight. Artie said that they're really all a mess there and it's not just Jason who is out of control. Howard told Artie that he really has to get into something to take his mind off of eating. He said he wants to get him into chess. Artie said that he heard that Jason got a hold of his mug shot so they should be seeing that soon.
Howard played a new song parody about Ralph called ''Ralph's a Fag'' to the tune of the Scorpions ''Rock You Like a Hurricane.''
Howard said that he should have kept Bobo on the phone because he has a voice mail from him asking to be on the show. He said that he'd be willing to eat chocolate out of Sal's pouch to get on ''Deal or No Deal.'' He's willing to do anything to get on that show. Howard said that it sounds like Bobo would be willing to put his mouth on Sal's penis.
Bobo was back on the line so Howard asked him about the penis thing. Bobo said that he just wanted to eat the chocolate. Howard said he said that he'd be willing to do anything and now he's backing out of it. Bobo said that he could put chocolate into his pouch and then he'd eat it.
Artie asked Bobo what the fuck he's up to. He didn't get why he'd be willing to do gay stuff like that just to get on ''Deal or No Deal.'' Bobo said that he's willing to do anything to get on that show and he wants to bring back the Superfan Challenge on the show. Howard told Bobo ''No deal'' and hung up on him.
Robin asked if Eric was growing a moustache or not. It looked like dirt on his face according to Robin, who was watching him on JFSC.tv. Howard told him that he should just give up on the moustache thing. He said that he's got major holes in his moustache and he has to give it up. Artie said that he looks like an enormous asshole. Howard told Eric that if he had a good moustache he'd be the first one to tell him.
Eric said that he thinks that the fight that Artie had was more fake than anything that the WWE has ever done. He said that if the fight was real then Artie would have been out of there already. Howard said that the fight wasn't fake.
Howard asked Eric if he thinks that his moustache is good looking. Eric said that it could be better. Howard asked him what he thinks he's accomplishing with that. Artie said he looks like the leader of a midget Mexican gang or something.
Eric said that the people in his room told him to try it. Howard and Artie said that the people are just goofing on him by telling him to do that. Howard said that Eric's moustache looks like a 13 year old's first one or a 60 year old woman's. That led to Artie talking about a nun he knew who had a moustache like that. They spent a minute talking about nuns and priests and how much trouble the Catholic church is having getting priests these days.
Howard asked Eric what else he had for them. Eric said that he's keeping his moustache and he's going to try and grow a goatee too. Howard said that he wanted to see his chin. He check that out and told him to just keep the beard and get rid of the moustache. Artie said that he'd wear a ski mask if he were Eric.
Howard asked Eric if he has chest hair. He said he doesn't picture him as a hairy guy. He said that if he can't do it then he shouldn't try. Artie told Eric that his face looks like a pussy with teeth. Eric told him to shut the fuck up.
Howard asked Eric how long he hasn't shaved for. Eric said it was about a week or more. Robin asked if he's going to grow a soul patch too. Eric said he's not going to do that.
Howard said he's not into moustaches or facial hair. He said he did have one for a while but he thinks that it's just stupid to have hair in the middle of your face. Artie said that he had a moustache for a while and he kind of related to Howard when he had his.
Howard talked about how fat he was when he had his moustache. That led to Howard talking about the kind of food he and Robin were eating back then. They used to go to Roy Rogers and used to have cheesecake and stuff like that all the time.
Howard said he had to take a break but Eric said that he wanted to say some more stuff. Artie kept talking over him and Fred kept playing the ''Mars Attacks'' ''Ack, ack'' sounds. Eric said that his tour is going to be starting on the 17th of June in Phoenix. He's going to be out on tour looking for the hottest stripper.
Howard said that he wants to know what the modeling agency is going to be called. He played a clip of one they made up where they have Eric saying ''Eric the Midgets's completely worthless modeling and talent agency.'' Eric said that they don't even have a club set up for Phoenix yet. He said that they're going to find one by the time the tour starts. Howard wrapped up with him and let him go a short time later. Artie told Eric to go fuck himself as Howard was letting him go.
Howard was going to go to break but he said that he really wants to see Eric succeed at something and he knows that this moustache isn't going to work. A caller told Howard that Eric should try some Rogaine on that upper lip of his.
Howard talked about his long hair and how he grew that back when he was in 10th grade. He said that he figured that the chicks would think that he had drugs and stuff if he had the long hair. He talked about some of the girls he was dating and how he made one cry after she banged him. He had banged her and she ended up crying thinking about her boyfriend.
Howard told the story about bringing this girl home to bang her. He said he smoked some pot with her and then made some Apricot Sours for them to drink. He said that he was busy cleaning out the stuff that he had to use to make the drinks so his parents wouldn't know. He said they drank up and put on some Neil Young music that was really depressing. He said he came in a second but she was really hot and a natural blonde. He said that he didn't even know what he was doing. Then he finished and she started sobbing and saying that she wanted to call her boyfriend right then. Howard said that he didn't want her to call because he didn't want his father seeing the call on the phone bill.
Howard talked about this guy he used to get his weed from and how the guy thought he was a drug dealer. He said the guy was fat and he'd be laying on his bed with a sombrero on and laying there naked. Howard said the guy was really Jewish too and it was a really strange scene. Howard said that the kid was so Jewish that he couldn't sell pot on the Sabbath so they had to get that done before then. He said he had to go to break after telling that story.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. Lisa said that she was stalking Robin at every media appearance she made. She talked about one of the interviews she did where Robin said that the Robin on the air is a character that she created. That led to the guys talking to Robin about that and she gave an explanation that didn't make much sense to the guys. Howard asked ''what the fuck is she talking about?''
Howard said that he had some audio clips of Robin's interviews on various shows. He played the clip of Robin talking about her created character and how she's not really all knowing and snooty like the character on the air. Howard said that Robin really is just a delicate flower off the air but he sounded a little sarcastic as he was saying it. Fred didn't get it and didn't know what she was going for there. He said that maybe that was a character on that interview show she was on.
Lisa said that she has a story about Richard going to the premiere of the new ''Harold and Kumar'' movie but not being allowed to walk the red carpet. Howard said he heard the story about Richard flying himself out there and how he was going to try and walk the red carpet. He said that he heard that Richard asked Gary what to wear on the red carpet and they turned him down. They had a security guard turn him away.
Howard said that Richard could have gotten on if he had spoken to the publicist for the movie. Richard paid for his own flight and bought new clothes and everything and he didn't even get to walk the carpet. He said that Richard is a real weirdo.
Richard said that he did get in to see the movie but it was embarrassing that he didn't get on the red carpet. Richard said that he thought he needed to have a personal publicist or something to get on the carpet. Howard told him he doesn't need that, he could have walked it if he had just asked the movie publicist.
Howard said that he Sal told Gary that he couldn't go to a Seder because it contradicts his religion. Sal came in and explained that story and how he didn't think he could go because the Jews had killed Jesus, ''supposedly, allegedly...'' Sal went on to say that he has a new appreciation for the Jews after that.
Sal and Gary told this story about going to that Seder and how Sal got into some trouble with the people there when he said something stupid about being a Jew for Jesus or something like that. Sal said that he learned that the Jews really got a bad rap in life. Howard stopped him and told him that this was very annoying. He said that he can't believe what he's hearing.
Lisa said that they have a big announcement in Page 69. They talk about how there's a staff member who doesn't want pictures of them posted on the web site anymore. It turned out to be Robin. Robin said that she never said it was a ban, she just wants to be able to pick the pictures they put up there.
Jason came in and said that Robin did ask him not to put pictures of her up on the web site anymore. Robin said that she doesn't like unflattering pictures of her up on the web site just like Howard doesn't like them up there. Then she said that she doesn't like Jason's photography. Jason shot back with a half-hearted ''fuck you.'' Howard wrapped up and let them go after that.
Howard said that Michael has that same ability to bore everyone that Scott has. He said he's got that monotonous tone that Scott has. Fred threw in the Artie snoring sound clip while they were talking.
Michael asked that they make Scott a king for just one day. Howard said he'd think about that and tried to wrap up with him. Michael said that they should stop making fun of him and leave him alone.
Howard let Michael go and told Scott that he has the same personality. Scott said that he doesn't like that he calls the show so often. He said he's not even that close with the guy. He said he last saw him a couple of months ago but he wasn't able to remember where it was. Scott said that he was probably at a family gathering or something.
Howard talked to Scott about this Howard TV bowling special that he shot last week. Scott was sick all week so the only day he left the house was for that bowling special. Howard said he heard that Scott was trying to be funny at the show but he heard that it was funny how bad he was.
Colin came in a short time later so Howard asked him about this Iraq thing. He's been over there before himself. Colin said that its' really hot over there and he thinks that Artie should get into shape before he goes. He wanted to go with Artie over there. He said that he was banned from a war zone so that's kind of an odd thing.
Colin said that Will was badgering him about the whole thing when he did his pre-interview with him yesterday. Howard said that's odd because he doesn't have any notes about him from that pre-interview. Howard wondered why the notes weren't there yet. Gary said they were on their way in. He came in a short time later and said that they were thinking that he was going to go to break first. Will said that the notes were there now but Gary didn't want to go over them earlier.
Howard said that they could have given him the notes even though they didn't do what they thought they were going to do. Will said he didn't think Howard could read at the same time that he was talking to Colin.
Colin got back to his story about going over to Iraq. He said that he went over 3 times to do shows and he may have used some jokes that were offensive to some. He said he got a call a couple of years ago saying that he couldn't go back. Then he found out that he's been banned from doing shows over there.
Howard tried to understand the story and found out that Colin may have offended the Muslim culture with his jokes. Colin said that he thinks that he's being singled out because everyone is a little edgy over there. Colin said that he was in Afghanistan at the time and he made some comment about the well known fact that they do boy hunting on Monday nights. He said that they go out and sodomize young boys on a Monday night. He said they call it Boy's Night Out.
Gary said that he heard that the show he was doing was for the top people in the military so that's why he got into so much trouble. They took offense to what he was doing in his act and that's why he's been banned. Colin said that if he ever goes over there again, he's going to entertain Al Queda instead.
Howard asked Colin if this is really aggravating to him. Colin said that of course it is and it's like a slap in the face. Howard said he doesn't know of anyone who has been banned from a USO tour.
Gary said that he was told that you can't insult the religion, country or the people. He said they can't even use the F-bomb and they have to perform like they're doing a Comedy Central special. Colin said that's fine but everyone over there doesn't stick with the parameters. He said that they've all said worse than he has.
Artie said that he asked for Colin to go with him first thing and he got that agent pause that he got from him. At one point Colin had joked that he was being represented by Eric the Midget's talent agency.
Howard asked Colin if he knows Jim Florentine and if he's worked with him. Colin said that he likes the guy whenever he sees him but he's not that close with him. He said that he has seen his balls though. He said that they're legendary. He said he didn't see his penis, just his balls, and they were the size of Sunkist oranges.
Robin said that she doesn't know what they're talking about and Jim doesn't have big balls. Fred, as Jim, said that Robin is just doing a character now.
Colin said that Jim went to the bathroom and just whipped his balls out and showed everyone with the door of the bathroom open. He said that there were people between them and he still showed them. Colin said that he used to take his penis out and put it next to Kari Wuhrer when they were doing that ''Remote Control'' show at MTV. He said that Kari would start laughing when she'd see it. The guys talked about how hot she was. Colin said that he never did get to bang her. Howard asked what happened to Kari and what she's up to now. Colin didn't know.
Colin said that he almost got to fool around with Kari but it never did happen. That led to the guys talking about Adam Sandler and Artie said that he had heard that Sandler had banged a lot of chicks. He gave his list of people he heard about. They included Alicia Silverstone, Juliette Lewis and Angie Everhart. Howard said that must mean that he's better than Sandler in bed because he had her after Sandler and she says that he's the best she ever had.
Howard said that he just found out that Kari was 41 years old. Colin said that he last saw her about 6 or 7 years ago. He said that she was in some good movies like ''Anaconda.'' Howard asked if that was a good movie. Colin said it was a guilty pleasure type of movie that he enjoyed.
Howard asked Colin about the USO trip and Colin talked about how he was talking to Steve Langford about that last week.
Howard asked Colin about the Artie meltdown a couple of weeks back and if he was worried about him. Colin said that he wasn't that worried because he just threw a paper cup at the guy. He said that he wasn't out to get his job or anything. Artie said that he has an idea of who sent in their resume after he resigned. He said he's narrowed it down to a couple of guys.
Howard asked Colin if he's dying his hair or something. Colin said he's not. He said that he tried to go to that fat camp that he and Artie were going to. He went for a couple of days but things didn't really work out. He said it was the ''Prick-in'' diet so Howard goofed on him about that. He said that it's the Pritikin diet. Howard thought Colin was doing that on purpose to be funny but Colin said that he wasn't.
Howard asked Colin about the fat camp and why it failed. Colin said he didn't stay long enough. There were about 30-40 people there and he was probably the thinnest of the people there.
Howard asked Colin about his failed marriage and how he got caught cheating on his wife on an instant messenger chat. Colin said that his love life isn't all that great and he's kind of depressed. Howard and Robin asked him what it is he's depressed about. Colin said that his marriage was depressing and then he got banned from the USO tour that most people won't even go on. He said that kind of stuff is depressing to him.
Howard gave Colin some plugs and then mentioned that he saw some reviews of this new Stuttering John movie ''One, Two, Many.'' He said that he's never read anything like that and if he were John, he'd be hanging himself. He read through a review where the guy rips the movie apart. Howard read through most of the article and said that it was really cruel. Howard asked Robin if she had seen the movie. She hadn't seen it yet so she wasn't sure.
Howard said that he wants to have a premiere there in New York so they can all see it. Colin said that he'd like to have Eric the Midget do a remake of Taxi Driver. He said that he'd like to direct it. Howard said that he'd work on making that happen. Colin said that he'd make the movie like 15 minutes long if he remade it.
Howard played some audio clips of Eric to create the movie for Colin. Colin said that it would be great. He said that Eric is perfect for the role and he's better than De Niro. Howard told Colin to start writing the movie and he'd set up the shoot. Eric is on the West Coast though so Colin would have to go out there to shoot it. Colin was thinking about putting Diana Degarmo in the movie with Eric.
Howard said that he would trust Colin to do this movie even though he's never directed anything. He told him he was hired anyway. He said this movie could get him back into Iraq. Howard gave Colin some plugs for his Caroline's comedy club (Carolines.com) appearances this weekend and wrapped up with him. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Stuttering John had Jay Leno, Kevin Eubanks, Jackie Martling, Tanya Roberts, Lorenzo Lamas, Sandra Taylor and others there. Gary said that Tanya didn't even know who John was. Neither did Lorenzo.
Howard said that Jay has done some really bad movies himself. They talked about one called ''Collision Course'' and how bad that was.
Howard played the Lorenzo Lamas interview. Garver asked him a few questions about the movie and about what makes John such a special entertainer. Lorenzo didn't know much about him. He said that he was there for Sandra Taylor who was also in the movie. Lorenzo didn't even know that John made the movie. He said he only knew him from the Tonight Show. Garver asked Lorenzo which was a bigger disaster, the movie or 9/11. Lorenzo didn't answer that one.
Howard said that Jay Leno was there so Garver tried to interview him. Leno actually fought back finally after many years of not doing anything. Garver asked Jay why it was so important to hire John. Jay said that Howard was big back in the 90s and asked where he was now. John said he used to have him on back when he was popular. Then Jay started answering questions that Garver wasn't even asking and pretended not to hear what he was saying. Jay goofed on Garver about having to read the questions off the paper and walked away.
Howard said that Gary tried to get another one with Leno but Leno avoided him that time. Jay blew him off so Garver told him to fuck off. Howard said that Jay will probably hire Garver next.
Howard said that he had a 5 minute long interview with Stuttering John and Gary told him he might want to hold off on that because it's not all that interesting.
Howard played a clip of Garver talking to Ross the intern from the Tonight Show. The guy was answering the questions that Gary was asking and he had a bit of an effeminate voice. He said he's actually a fan of the show. Gary said that he sounded more like a chick than Tanya Roberts did. Howard said that he saw on the web that this guy is openly gay. He wasn't sure about that at first.
Howard played a little bit of Gary Garver interviewing Stuttering John. John sounded like he was in a good mooed and ready to answer the questions. Gary asked John what his greatest contribution to the Howard Stern Show was. John said it was his interviews. John was asked about why Fred dislikes him. John said he didn't know. Fred jumped in and said that this is like Robo-John and he knows why he doesn't like him. Fred said that he just doesn't like him. Howard wanted to know why but Fred said he's got his own reasons for disliking him.
Howard asked Fred if he ever liked John. Fred said that he did and it was years in that he started to dislike him. Fred said that it was a cumulative thing with John that made him dislike him so much. Fred said that it was mostly the on-air stuff that he did that really irked him.
Artie said that he was friends with John and he's not sure what Fred has a problem with but he knows that it's hard to befriend John. He said that he would mention personal stuff on the air and stuff like that so he knows that it could add up and get on someone's nerves.
Fred said he had some issues with John about stuff that he would complain about like the e-mail and how he thought he was filtering it. Fred and Gary also talked about John taking 3 weeks off to do ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here'' and how he lied about that.
Garver asked John who he didn't like on the Stern Show. John didn't have an answer for that. He said that they were like a family and he didn't leave hating anyone. Garver asked John if he regrets saying what he did about Howard not paying him when he was on the Adam Carolla show. John said he didn't mean anything by it and he hopes to get together with Howard and have dinner or something.
The stutter wasn't there so Howard pointed that out. Gary said that it comes back at the end. Ralph called in and said that he wanted Artie to give his review of John's movie and tell everyone just how bad and unwatchable it was. Artie said that he told John that it was amazing he got a movie made because he knows how hard it is to get one made. He said that he pulled off something that he finds to be impressive. He wouldn't say that the movie was bad but it sounded like he was skirting around the issue.
Howard asked Artie if he would suggest that the audience check the movie out. Artie said that they should. He said he would recommend the movie. Ralph said that if they want to goof on the guy they should rent it and watch it.
Howard said that they should have John in there to promote the movie. Gary said that John is going to be in the city soon so maybe they'll have him in. Artie said that he thinks that the fans out there would enjoy the movie. He said he was able to watch the whole thing and it's a comedy. Artie said he said ''man, that's good stuff...'' about 20 times.
The guys talked about how the movie is out on DVD already and that's how some people are seeing it already. Artie didn't know that. A caller told Howard that they kind of took a shot at Howard in the movie when they had a stuttering kid sitting on some stairs and John tells the kid that those people aren't his friends.
Howard got back to the Gary Garver interview and played more of his interview with John. John talked about Artie and how worried he is about his weight. Gary asked how much he's making a year at the end of the interview. Gary also asked what he thinks he'd be doing if he never worked on the Stern Show. John said that he hopes to be friend with him again some day. Howard said that he's still friends with him and he's not sure what the problem is there. Fred said that if he doesn't have dinner with him then he's not his friend. That's the way it is with John.
Joe said that the gas pedal got stuck in his car and he went to the break and both the gas and the brake were hit at the same time and it still wouldn't stop. Robin and Howard tried to figure out what the hell he was talking about but they still weren't sure.
Joe said that someone told him that it was okay for him to go into this intersection and when he stepped on the gas, it got stuck and he slammed into a truck that was waiting at a stop light. He ripped open his back and he's had a couple of operations on it since 2002 when the accident happened.
Howard asked Joe if he's still singing and doing that stuff. Joe wasn't sure if he was going to be able to sing today or not. Howard said that's what he was supposed to do today but he wasn't sure if he could handle the words. Joe asked Robin to sing with him but Robin said she didn't know the words to the song.
Joe sang a little bit for them so Howard played the music bed for him and Joe went right into the song and sang a little bit. He sang some ''Mustang Sally'' for everyone. Howard told him that was enough after he had some trouble with the song. He said he loves when he sings though. He said he's got an earthiness and a soul that no one else has.
Howard heard a story about Joe's mother picking marijuana in the woods behind their house. Joe would go out and pick it with her and they were selling it for 20 cents a pound. Howard said that a pound these days is a lot more. He asked Joe if he ever smoked it. Joe said he doesn't do that.
Howard talked to Joe about his father cheating on his mother and if that was tough to deal with. Joe talked about that a little bit and said that he never cheated in his marriage. Joe said that he used to get beaten as a kid but he was a bad kid. He was beaten naked because his mother didn't want to ruin the clothes while she did that. Joe said that she wanted him to feel the switch that she was whacking him with, that's why he had to take his pants off.
Howard asked Joe about his brothers and sisters. He said that he has 8 brothers and 3 sisters. Howard read a note about Joe getting hit by a 300 pound pig one time and they just rubbed cabbage leaves and salt on the injury. It turns out he had a dislocated shoulder and they didn't fix it.
Howard heard that Joe feels sorry for Mohammad Ali now so he told Joe that he really shouldn't. He said that the guy wasn't a good man and he's getting his punishment now. Joe said that's not the way he looks at it and he feels bad for the guy.
Joe said that he's 62 years old now and not married. Joe said that he's not even fooling around anymore. Howard asked him if he needs Viagra or anything for his hard on. Joe said he doesn't need any help. He said that he does have a girlfriend and he's having a good time. Howard asked Joe about eating out a woman. Joe said that he would try it if he had to. He doesn't have a problem doing it. Howard thought that black men were too proud to do that. Artie said that Italians think that it's gay to do that. Howard said that Joe has a good attitude and he's glad to hear that he doesn't mind doing that.
Howard asked Joe if he would know how to steal a radio these days if he had to go back out on the street and survive. Joe said he could do that if he had to. He used to do that when he was younger. Howard told him that he needed him to go out and steal some radios out on the street in front of the building today for a new game show they were creating called ''Rob That Car.'' Joe laughed at that.
Howard read that Joe had to sue his daughter over something. Joe said that she's a judge now and he has to sue her to get some papers. He said that he's not sure what's going on there. He had to turn it over to his lawyers to handle. Joe said he hasn't spoken to his daughter in about a year now.
Joe said that he's doing okay these days going out singing and signing autographs. Joe lives in Pennsylvania so Howard asked him who he's going to vote for in the PA primaries today. Joe said that he's not sure because he's been so busy with other stuff that he doesn't know enough about them to vote. He said he'll vote for the person he thinks will do the best job.
Howard said he had Leon Spinks on the phone and picked that up for Joe. It was the guys in the back playing clips of Leon mumbling. Joe said that he had no idea what he was saying. Artie interpreted for him and said that it sounded like that story that Joe told earlier in the interview about his car accident.
Joe said that Leon sounded like he had more fights with his mouth than anything else. Joe apparently didn't know that he sounds just as mumble mouthed as those clips did.
Howard told Joe that wasn't really Leon. He said he's pretty sure that was just tape of Leon or someone pretending to be Leon.
Howard took some more phone calls for Joe. One guy said that there's another fighter in the room and he should watch himself. He was talking about Artie. Artie stood up and showed Joe some of his moves. Howard got a laugh out of that but then told Artie to take it easy before he gave himself a heart attack.
Howard gave Joe ad plug for an appearance he's making at Field of Dreams in Las Vegas on May 2nd and 3rd. He's also auctioning off his robe from his big ''Thrilla in Manila'' fight with Mohammad Ali this week on Sothebys.com. You can also book Joe for appearances through his web site JoeFrazier.com.
Howard asked Joe if he would bang Oprah Winfrey if she came on to him. He said that he would if the feeling was there. Howard wrapped up a short time later and said that he and Joe actually share a birthday. Joe said that he always likes coming in and talking to him. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard played the clip where Pastor Manning is saying that he doesn't want the country to be run by a half Negro. He goes on and on saying that they're not ready for it yet. Howard said that there are some people who say ''umm'' during that clip but they don't get up and walk out.
Howard said that it'd demeaning to say ''Negro'' so the guy is kind of wrong with that and saying something like that in front of a bunch of African Americans. Robin said that there are other clips where he says negative things about black people too. She said she'd like to go to that church and see the kind of people who are there.
Howard said that President Bush was on Deal or No Deal and that was kind of weird. He said that the candidates that are running for president were all on the WWE special last night which was pretty strange too.
Howard said that Bush seems to be out promoting this Iraq war when he goes on these shows. He played a clip from that show where Howie Mandel is talking to a contestant, who was in the service, and then they show video of President Bush congratulating him and thanking him for what he did over in Iraq.
Howard said that he finds it beautiful that the guy is getting some recognition but he wonders what the guy really thinks of President Bush. He said that this guy actually went over and fought in Iraq while Bush was a draft dodger.
Howard played some audio of Hillary Clinton on this WWE show from last night. The guys talked about how awful that was and how she had no business being on that show. The guys said that Hillary really comes off very stiff and boring when she does stuff like that.
Howard played another clip of the guys on the WWE talking about this presidential race. John McCain was on that show as well and talking shit about Hillary and Barack. He was talking about the war in Iraq using names of wrestlers and stuff. Howard said that stuff was really lame. McCain was saying that this country watches wrestling because it represents our freedom. Howard seemed to be really bothered by that nonsense. Robin said that this Presidential race is turning into a sporting event now.
Howard asked what other shows they could do. They threw out Survivor and Big Brother as a couple. Dominic Barbara called in and talked about how disgusting it is that over 4000 people have died in Iraq and these people are appearing on a wrestling show. Howard said he heard that McCain was going to shave his nuts on Jackass next.
Steve said that he has more about the show that Artie did down in Florida. They still owe him money and they ''stole'' 40 of his t-shirts that he was selling down there. Steve also said that the bidding for the show auctions at CharityFolks.com are ending today so you only have a few more hours to get to them. He wrapped up after that.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview and ran down the stuff they were going to try and cover today. After that Howard had Robin get into her news.
Howard interrupted and read some e-mail. He had some feedback about Artie and how they should keep him locked up or tranquilized. Someone suggested that they get him some anger management classes. He read a bunch about Artie and some fans were very happy that he was back. One guy said he can stop beating his wife now that Artie is back and his frustration is gone.
Howard played a news report about Artie coming back to the show and one of the reporters was kind of having a hard time reading his teleprompter. They goofed on that a little bit. Howard played another one where a female reporter was talking about how great Artie was when they interviewed him for the NY Comedy Festival.
JD said that the chick in that clip was an Asian chick. Artie said he kind of remembered that. Howard read through more of the mail about Artie and had some negative feedback about him. One person was hoping that he wouldn't return to the show. Howard had a bunch of others from people who were happy that he was back. Howard said that the positives outweighed the negatives there.
Howard said that he had some feedback about Robin's dress on The View. He read through some of that and ended up goofing on her a little more about that. Howard said he'd play the audio from The View tomorrow.
Howard said that he got some feedback about Neil Patrick Harris. A lot of people liked that interview as well. He said that a lot of people are sick of Ralph calling in so much. He read through a bunch of that stuff and then had Robin get back to her news.
Howard and Robin talked about Jordin Sparks a little bit since she was in the news with voice problems. She had to cancel a few shows due to some vocal chord problems. Howard said that he read in the paper that Ashlee Simpson's new album got 3 out of 5 stars in a review he read. He said he finds her really hot even if she can't sing.
Robin read a story about Lindsay Lohan falling off the wagon again and going back to drinking. She had some news about a bunch of other stuff as well. Howard ended up playing a new voice mail from Richard Christy's father. He told Richard about their chickens and how their rooster was masturbating in the corner of the chicken house. Howard said he finds those messages sweet and it really is nice that he can call his son and tell him about stuff like that. Howard said his father doesn't share anything with him. Nothing.
Howard ended up doing an impression of his father and goofing on him as if he were Richard's father calling him. He spent a minute on that before Robin got back to her news.
Robin read a story about Jenna Jameson giving Howard a shout out when she talked about doing ''Private Parts'' and how ground breaking it was for her to get a major role in a mainstream movie. Howard thanked her for the shout out.
Robin read through a few more stories about various stuff in the news today. She had some audio clips that Howard played. She had one story that got the guys talking about molestation and Robin's father touching her. They spent a minute talking about that before Robin moved on.
Robin talked about Tina Fey's new movie, rising gas prices, American Idol, Earth Day and a few other things. She wrapped up her news and then Howard ended the show around 10:35am.
Gary said that he doesn't know what Robin was trying to say. He said that she might act differently off the air than she does on but he thought that the show was pretty much reality based.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that Robin is just trying to make herself out to be more deep than she really is. Jon said that Robin wasn't going to stop by the show today to talk about that stuff.
Jon and Gary talked about Robin and how all of the negative stuff is probably the character Robin and all of the positive stuff she does is the ''real'' Robin.
Gary said that Jason should come down and talk about the list of wacky things that Robin has done over the years. She did the Master Cleanser diet and it was weird how into it she got for a while. Now she doesn't even talk about that diet even though she was so into it back then. Gary said that the coffee enemas are weird to him too. Gary said that Jason was coming down so they'd get to more of the stuff on his list.
A caller said that Robin seems to be distancing herself from a lot of people there and from the fans. He said that he's not sure why but she's not functioning like normal people. Gary didn't get what the guy was going for.
Jason came in and told the guys what he had on his list. He had a bunch of stuff about her being in a witch's coven and a bunch of other stuff including the stuff that Gary had already gone over with Jon.
Jason said that he'd like to have an on-air light that shows when Robin is being her character and when she's being the real Robin. Gary said that they should go out and get a bunch of everyday products and have her guess how much they cost. Jason said that wouldn't be fair because even he doesn't know what he pays for a gallon of milk.
Jon took some phone calls and one woman talked about Robin's appearance on The View. They were talking about her ''character'' thing and what they think about all of that. They also talked about Stuttering John and the stuff he would get upset about when he was working there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Robin refused to do the news for a while on the show. Shuli remembered that and how Howard ended the show when she refused to do it. It wasn't even that long ago that she did it. Shuli said that he remembered her ending it early and Howard ending the show early because of it but Robin didn't stop doing it for any extended amount of time.
One caller said he thinks that Robin is trying to set up her career for the future and that's why she's saying that this Robin on the show is a character. Jason said that could turn out to be the wrong thing if they want the Robin from the Stern Show.
Benjy said that he thinks that Robin is the same on and off the air so he's not sure what this is all about. He said that was just a character saying that though. Benjy said that he really did think that Robin was pretty much the same on and off the air.
Jason said that he thinks that Artie is pretty much the same off the air as he is on the air. He said that Benjy and Fred are hard to read because they don't talk much on the air.
A woman called in and said that she wanted to defend Robin. She said she thinks that Robin living her life is going to be a different person than she is on the air. She thinks that using the word ''character'' may have been the wrong word to use. She said that Robin takes a lot of shit on the show and she deals with it gracefully.
Gary said that if anyone goes home to a drastically different life at home, it's him. He said he goes home and coaches baseball and things like that. He said that he really has a much different life at home than he does on the air.
Gary talked about how different the show can be when Robin isn't there. He said that she's very important to he show. Jason said he loves all of the Robin's on the air and off.
Will came in and said that he had just missed Gary's explanation so Gary had to go over that again. Will said that Colin is a guest who is in there all the time so he didn't think that the notes were that important. He shouldn't have assumed that though and admitted he was wrong.
Gary said that Howard is hard to read and sometimes they'll bring a guest in when they think he wants them in there and he'll flip out on them. It's not a scripted show so they don't know when he's going to call for someone.
The guys talked about some of the stuff that Colin talked about during his interview and then went to the phones again. One guy said that the on-air people aren't in touch with the common people anymore. He said he hates Robin and her mouth these days and he's not sure why anyone puts up with her. He said he finds her to be one of those people who thinks that she's ahead of everyone else. He said that most listeners hate her but Gary disagreed with him. Jon said that a few people do agree with the caller today.
A caller asked Gary if he was going to talk about the person who sent in the resume to the show. Gary said that's up to Howard if he wants to spill the beans on that. Will said that he's already getting resumes for Teddy's job. Teddy said that he's even getting those resumes.
Teddy said that his evenings are so free right now that he loves it. He said he has time to ride his motorcycle now. He said that he has more time to ride his motorcycle although his insurance has lapsed so he can't crash it.
Another caller asked if Gary was going to write a tell all book about the guests who are assholes and not assholes. Gary said that he was approached about 7 years ago to do a book. He said he can't start doing that now so the book people told him to write about what goes on in the green room. He said he as offered about $400,000 to do the book. He did some math and figured he'd end up with about 220,000 and he'd never work in the business again because no one would trust him anymore. He said it wasn't worth it. Jon went to break after that.
Gary said that he was pretty hard to understand when he was talking and he figured that if someone tuned in during Joe talking, they might think they were on the wrong channel. Gary said that he can still throw a good jab. Richard said that Joe can probably have his hands tied behind his back and still throw a better jab than Jason could.
Will called in, saying he was too lazy to walk down, and said that he thinks that Jason could take down Joe with his weight. He said that Joe was a frail old man today.
Gary asked Richard how he got his tickets to the event and all of that. Richard said he talked to the directors. He wanted to go to the premiere and then to the after party. He said that the guys who play Harold and Kumar were there and so was Rob Corddry who used to be on The Daily Show. He said that everyone was very cool to him out there at the party.
Gary said that those guys from Harold and Kumar are in a lot of other stuff now. He went on to talk about how he did a promotion for the first movie and they wanted him to wear a wig and outfit to do the appearance but he refused. Jason ended up getting into the outfit instead.
Richard told a story about a guy he hung out with at the party out there. Gary said that Richard is impressed with the strangest people. Richard told a story about this legless midget that was in a horror movie that he saw one time. He said he saw him in Venice and stopped him and asked him about the movie. He said he made that guy's day by stopping and saying he recognized him.
The caller also asked about this giveaway they were talking about earlier. Gary said that there's this product called Sonos that lets you play music around your house via your home network. Gary said that you can hook up your SIRIUS so you can get it all around the house. Jon said that you go to the Howard Stern Page over at SIRIUS.com and enter there. The contest runs until May 5th.
Richard had a theory about Ralph and said that he's almost like a Darth Vader like character that Howard has created. He said that the audience hates Ralph and he's like the bad guy on the show. Ralph came in around that time and said that he loves that theory because he thought Darth Vader was the coolest character in the Star Wars movies.
Ralph said that he was feeling fine after Jon asked him how he was. Ralph said that he gets a lot of people telling him that they love his phone calls to the show. Ralph missed the beginning of the show again today so he'll have to listen later.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he agrees with Richard and he wants to put his radio through the wall when he hears Ralph on the air. Ralph said that he's just trying to help people with his suggestions. That's why he calls in. The caller told him that he does nothing for a living and he gets paid to do it. Ralph told him that he'd die if he heard how much he gets paid to do that job too.
Richard said that Ralph is feeding off of this guy's anger and it really is like his evil grows when he gets these calls.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Robin mentioning that her character is what we've been hearing is not good for her. He said that he thinks that she's admitting that she knows that the fans don't like her the way she is on the show.
Ralph said that he gets what Robin is saying and it's that she's just not up to being that person on the air sometimes. The caller was also going off on Robin for doing all of these appearances on Jay Thomas' show and Bubba's show talking about the same shit she talks about on Howard's show. He said that everyone already knows about all of that stuff. Jon said that she's just trying to spread the word about the charity and she took every chance she could to get on the air.
Gary pointed out what Sal had done wrong and how the people he was talking to weren't looking for a religious merger like he was talking about at the Seder. Sal said that you try to do something to break the ice when you go to something like that.
Sal said that he told the people that he felt like he was a Jew for Jesus at the Seder. He said they didn't like that. Sal went over the four questions that they ask at this ceremony and he had everyone loving him until he stood up and said ''That's it, I'm a Jew for Jesus'' and the room went silent. He said he didn't know what he did wrong at that point.
Sal said that he was trying to put the two testaments of the bible back together and he got shunned for it. Jon said he had no idea what he was talking about. Sal told him he needs to do some research into religion and figure it all out.
Sal was going on and on about what he thought he learned about the Jews and why he believes the stuff he believes. Gary said he was speechless after hearing what he had to say. Sal was talking about how he was just trying to be a nice guy and maybe they should have been more polite to him and let it pass but they didn't.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that at least Sal went out and tried to go to this Seder thing and they have to respect him for that. Gary said that they do but he told Sal that if he thinks that something might not go over well, he should keep his mouth shut.
Sal said that he felt like he was part of the Jewish religion at that point and he wanted to say that he felt that they could live together under the same roof. He was just trying to do something nice for the Jewish people and it didn't work.
Gary said that Benjy started laughing hysterically when he heard what Sal said at that Seder. Benjy said that he heard Richard say something funny yesterday when he said that he never would have thought that Neil Patrick Harris was gay because he seems like such a regular, normal guy. He and Sal got into a little bit of an argument about what Sal did at the Seder but they had to wrap up the Wrap Up Show around that time.
Howard started the show talking about how Beth is out in L.A. and he's had to jerk off. He said he pulled out his porn collection last night and watched some Gina Lynn porn. He said he had some good porn in his collection and some of it is kind of dated. He said that the girls from 10 years ago weren't as hot as they are today. Artie said he has some stuff that's like 10 years old and still on VHS so he needs to update. Howard said that he's disgusted with himself because he's 54 and still into porn.
He noticed that Robin wasn't there yet so Gary came in and said that she was out coughing in another room. Howard told him to go check on her. She came in a few seconds later so Howard asked ''Miss Healthy'' what the problem was. Robin said that she had taken a bunch of vitamins and they didn't all go down. Howard said he was afraid that she had another outfit that she couldn't move in and that's what the problem was.
Howard got back to his porn story and said that he got his Gina Lynn video and watched that. He said he finds her really sexy and really likes her. He said that she was the one who played the Mexican Delivery Boy Game not too long ago.
Howard said he opened up this DVD and saw Gina on the cover. He got distracted again when he saw Benjy doing something disturbing. Benjy was putting in his contacts and he was all sweaty. He told him to do that stuff at home. He was all sweaty and his eyes were red. The guys all told him to do that stuff before he comes in and not in the middle of the studio. He told him to get the fuck out of there when he went to do it again.
Howard said he really doesn't want him to do that stuff in there. Benjy said that a contact fell out so he had to do something. Howard told Benjy he doesn't want to see that stuff at work because it's really disturbing. He said he felt like lunging at him over this. Benjy said he knows it was very out of order but he was being sarcastic about that.
Howard said that Benjy is sweating, he's all red and just vile. He said that his hair cut was disturbing too and had him show off the back of his head where it looked like the back of a gorilla's head. Fred pointed out his really red eye again and said that it was really disturbing. Howard begged Benjy to do that stuff at home and asked him to promise. Benjy said he's only done it like 3 or 4 times now. Howard said he just wants to work with him and not see all of this other stuff.
Howard said he wishes that Beth would stay home so he didn't have to jerk off. He said that he put the DVD in and had to pick from a bunch of choices. He said that he could have Gina wearing different things in the video and he just wanted it to play. Howard said he just wanted it to play but he couldn't get it to do anything until he made his choices.
Howard said that he couldn't get out of this loop of crap that he couldn't get through. Then he saw all of the choices he had and got her to do a strip tease but that kept looping and he couldn't get out of it. He said that he somehow got on to blow job and got that to work. Gina gets onto her knees and the guy had the hugest cock he's ever seen. He said it wasn't even hard and it was like 10 feet long like a salami.
Howard said that there was no intercourse but he did jerk off to her blow job thing. He said that it was some blow job that she gave and he wants to show it to Beth and to everyone in the audience. Robin said that's what they should show at pre-marriage counseling.
Howard said that it was too much penis for him to see. He said that he was thinking this morning that maybe the second DVD is just a movie and it won't be interactive. Artie figured it would be. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that it is a movie, he has it. He said that it's a great one too and he loved it. He told Howard that the movie is good and he had read the box before he put the DVD in so he knew that it wasn't the interactive thing.
Ronnie said that the guy in the movie is Gina's husband so you have to get past that and into the other guys. Ronnie said that he hasn't gotten through the whole movie yet though.
Howard said that he noticed that his belly was jiggling when he was doing it. Ronnie said that his dog watches him when he does it. Howard said that usually happens for him too but the dog is with his assistant while Beth is away.
Howard said that it really bothers him that Artie got so upset in that segment and he has a problem watching it too. Fred said he thinks that Artie would have been too tired to hit Teddy if he had gotten to him after running. He said that he was very winded by the time he got to that point.
Fred said he doesn't think that Artie is that violent and he wouldn't ever hit him. Artie said that he's never hit anyone like that before.
Howard said he asked Ronnie what he thinks really set Artie off. Ronnie told him that it was something about a credit card or something that may have set him off. Artie said that it is a money issue but he's not going to get into it since Teddy has been through so much already. Howard said that Artie got screwed out of this $60,000 from his bookie so that must piss off Artie.
Artie said he was going to tell them what it was that really set him off. He said that he doesn't mind loaning people money but he really can't stand these people who do things in front of him where they spend money that they should be paying him back with, it really bothers him. He said that Teddy has this motorcycle and that's the kind of thing that set him off. He said he told Teddy that maybe he could pass on the Amsterdam trip and Teddy said he wouldn't do that so he'd had enough of his smugness and that's what made him snap.
Howard said that he had this friend who wanted to borrow money from him but he turned the guy down. Then a few weeks later the guy went on a 4 week long vacation to Europe. That's the kind of thing that would drive him nuts. He said that he had another friend who was going to do the same thing to him and he passed on loaning that guy the money. He said that he was right when he saw the guy go out and buy a new car after asking to borrow the money. He said that if the guy can afford a new car, he obviously doesn't need to borrow money from him.
Artie said that there were some back stories to that whole thing. He said that he wanted Teddy to make it a goal in life to just pay him back this certain amount no matter what he does in his life. He said he wanted him to be respectful of his situation and do what he needs to do to pay him back. Artie said that Teddy hadn't paid him back anything in 6 months and then they were going on this Amsterdam trip and that really built up and he lost it.
Howard said he understood why Artie would be set off by that stuff. He said he knows what that's like to have people asking to borrow money and then they go off on vacation and stuff. Robin said that she knows of people like that too and you expect your money back but they never do pay it back even though they might come into a bunch of money.
Artie said that he may stop loaning people money because at the least it can ruin a relationship. He said that he has to stop doing this stuff because he almost lost his job over that Teddy thing.
Howard asked Artie if there's a way he can do his contracts through his business advisor or someone instead of giving it to his assistant. Artie said that if he has the assistant he has some pressure off of him. He said that the assistant can see what he's making and they think he's got more money than he really has. He said he's got a lot of bills and stuff and this new house at the shore.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he stayed up until about 4 in the morning watching this Artie episode. He said that Howard TV is amazing with these shows. He said that he watched that episode and the Artie Returns episode and they were great. He said that Howard TV is just great and if you don't have it, you have to get it.
The caller said that it was so sincere how upset Howard was when he was talking about what went on. The caller said that they had some bonus footage of Artie melting down from a bunch of different angles. They had him in slow motion and stuff like that too.
Howard said that they could do a show where they telestrate the whole thing and ask Artie about how he was feeling at certain moments.
Fred guessed that it was $5,000. Artie had no idea where to begin because he's not familiar with that kind of dress. Howard said that the dress is probably just 1 of a few made so it must be expensive. Robin told Howard that she paid just $265. Howard said that was good that she didn't pay more than that. Howard said that means that the dress is mass produced and there must be a lot of other women out there wearing it.
Robin said that she got a note from this Rachel London who said that the Norma Kamali dress she was wearing was ''so in.'' Howard said that she was probably just pulling her leg. He said that it looks like a dress that an Arab guy would create to keep his wife under control.
Howard took another call from a guy who brought up the beating that Robin took on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. There were people calling in and saying the show would be better off without her and stuff like that. Howard said that's absolutely wrong and they need Robin in the mix there.
Howard said that he had some email about Robin and her two personalities. He read through some of that and said that Robin claims to have created a character on the air but he doesn't believe that's the case. He said that he might act a little different on and off the air but it's not a character that he's doing. Robin said that there are things that she doesn't let out on the air when she's there but she does let them out in her personal life.
Howard told Robin that the more she can let out on the air of her real life, the better the show would be. Robin said that she's not there to be all of her, she's there to support Howard. She doesn't want to get in the way of what they do there.
Howard read through some more of the mail about Robin and some people think she's had to take too much abuse lately. There were some very long e-mails in there.
The guys thought that her flying to Los Angeles for the blood machine was really crazy. They talked to her about the diet thing for a short time and also about the masturbation thing.
Robin said that she knows she's crazy and she admits it. Howard said they could have avoided that whole 210 minutes if she had said that earlier.
Howard read through some more e-mail and someone pointed out that Artie snapped on Teddy for 8 grand but had lunch with his bookie who owes him 60 grand. Artie said that the guy is connected and Teddy isn't.
Howard said that some people want Colin Quinn to remake the Taxi Driver movie with Eric the Midget in it. Howard said he hopes that happens. Artie said that Colin is a great writer and he wrote a play that was on Broadway and he thinks that he could pull that off if he really does want to do it. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said they're looking for some contestants for a new contest which is Hottest chick with the ugliest scar. He said that the scar can be wherever and they have a $5,000 grand prize for the winner. He got distracted by Artie's cupcake when he came walking in with that.
Howard said he had forgotten that it was Cupcake Wednesday. Robin was still on the scar thing and wondered if a woman with a scar on her face could still be hot. Howard said they'd have to wait and see.
Lisa G came in with her Howard 100 News preview. Artie was still on the cupcake thing and showing off the one he was eating. It had marshmallows in the icing with chocolate chips on the top and vanilla butter cream mixed in. Howard said that he thought Artie was going to try and lose some weight.
Robin said that she thought that he was going to make some changes to his diet but that wasn't happening. Artie said he's only going to eat one cupcake today. Howard suggested that he eat just half of it but Artie said that he's not a pussy.
Robin said that Artie ate a bagel yesterday and she caught him in a conversation with the guys asking for pancakes. He hadn't been getting them for a while but he's back to getting them after his Amsterdam pancake experience. Artie said that the pancakes from the Metro Cafe are great. He said that the syrup is extraordinary too. He said had pancakes and eggs yesterday.
Howard asked Artie what he's had today. He had already had a bagel and was in the middle of the cupcake. He said he had water and Hawaiian punch too. He said that he's trying to drink more water now too. Howard said he loves to drink water. Artie said he needs ice in his, he can't drink it warm.
Fred played the ''Artie Loves Pancakes'' song parody while Artie was talking about all of the food. Artie got a laugh out of that. Everyone ended up singing along with the song after a short time.
Artie asked Lisa to get him a fork but she told him to stick it up her ass. Robin said that Artie doesn't eat any fiber so he must be all stopped up. He said that he gets plenty of fiber. Howard asked him if he's ever filled up the toilet with shit. Artie said that everyone has done that at some point. He said that he has to have his agent put in his rider that he needs good water pressure at his hotel rooms.
Howard said that he has a weak flush at his apartment so he has to keep a plunger there to make sure it goes down. Artie said that there are some places that it works really well but others are really lame. Howard said he tests the toilets at any place he goes to make sure his doody will go down. He said he doesn't want anyone seeing his doody.
Artie said that he stopped up the toilet at the Four Seasons hotel out in L.A. and had to call a maintenance guy to come up and unclog it. He said that he just gives these guys 50 bucks to clear it for him because he feels so bad for them. He said that the bowl was all stopped up and he just had to get it taken care of instead of letting it sit there. Howard said that he'll let it sit there and disintegrate instead of calling someone to fix it. Howard said that he'd go out and buy something to chop it up with before he'd call a maintenance guy.
Artie said that he just deals with it and calls right away instead of waiting any time. He said he had one shit that looked like the Falkland Islands one time.
Howard asked Artie who he calls about the toilet. Artie said he'll call the concierge and ask him to send someone up because he has toilet problems. Artie said he was on the phone with Frank Sebastiano at the time and talked to him about what was going on. Howard wanted to know what he says to these guys. Artie said that if it's a Mexican guy he doesn't care and just points him to the bathroom.
Artie said that this guy was ''..a white guy, a regular person...'' and it was weird to have a guy like that show up to his room. He said he had a $50 bill on him and handed it to the guy and told him to take care of the toilet. He said he apologizes to them for making them do it. He said that they're very gracious about the 50 bucks.
Artie said he doesn't think that the guy at the hotel knew who he was. He really doesn't care though. Howard said he would never call the concierge to fix his problem. He said he'd get one of those Pixie Sticks or something like that to chop up his doody before he did that. He said that he'd even get a ruler or a yard stick to chop it up.
Howard asked Artie if he wipes after making a doody or does he flush first. Artie said that he flushes the doody and then wipes. He said he's very aware of everything going on.
Gary came in and said that he had an embarrassing doody story from his vacation. He said he was out at the Grand Canyon over the vacation. Howard heard it was his greatest vacation ever. Gary said that he was at the Grand Canyon and had one of those attacks where he really had to go and had no time to waste. He went to the bathroom and noticed that there was nowhere to flush. He said he put the paper on the seat and the air sucked it in. There was no flush or anything though.
Gary said that he went to sit down on the seat and the paper was gone but he had to go. He said he hovered over the seat and misjudged where he was going and got it all over the seat. He thought he was over the hole but he wasn't. He said he always wondered how that happened and now he knows. He pushed the doody into the hole and cleaned up as much as he could.
Artie said that he had his own shower when he was in the L.A. County Jail but he had to shit in this row of toilets one time. He said he was sitting next to another guy as he was shitting and their knees were touching as they were shitting.
Lisa got an interview with Paula George who is one of the women who Sal and Richard prank call all the time. Lisa was calling it being ''Punk'd'' so Artie told her that's not what it is and to stop calling it that. Howard said he heard that they're going to get her on the show sometime so they can talk to her about those calls that the guys make to her.
Howard asked the guys to get one of the Paula prank calls so he could play it. He got one a short time later. Richard and Sal used some George Takei audio clips and then called in themselves that day.
Lisa talked about how they do her show now and how they don't do it live anymore because of the prank calls. She pre-tapes them now. Howard played another one of the calls that Richard made to her as ''Rusty.'' He played Sal's apology tape for her in that call. Howard said that he'd give Paula an hour to do a show there if she wants.
Lisa ran through another story about Sal that they'll be reporting on today. She's got an interview with some people from the Seder that Sal went to recently. Howard said that he can't have Sal at his wedding because of stuff like that. Richard will be there of course. He said that Sal is the one guy he can't have show up.
Artie asked Lisa to get him some tea with a little lemon in it. She said that would be good for his diet so she'd get it for him. Howard said that she's not getting him anything and he's pretty sure that she'd be the worst person to marry if Artie wanted someone to service him.
Mark said that he's got heart problems and a valve problem that he has to have taken care of. He said that he still has the ideas that he used to have but he does them from his hospital bed now. Howard said that he used to be so full of life and always had these crazy things that he was doing.
Howard heard that Mark hasn't had gay sex in a few years too. Mark said that's true. He said he still masturbates though.
Howard asked Mark what he's worth now since he probably blew through Martha Raye's money. He said that he put all of the money into the house and had to sell the house. He said he lost a lot of money but he's not broke. He said that he has about $100,000 in the bank now. He said that he never had all that much, it was all on paper.
Howard said that Mark is very generous and he used to give people money that he didn't have to. He gave Gary's kids a couple hundred bucks at one time.
Mark said that he invested a lot of money into his house and that's where most of it went. Artie heard that L.A. is the worst place for real estate. He said that he sold his house at almost the right time because the house isn't worth what it was when he sold it.
Mark said that he almost died with the heart attacks but he doesn't want them writing him off just yet. Mark said that he met a guy in the business that he's going to be working with. He met the guy who played the little Damien in the movie The Omen. Howard said he's supposed to work with that guy on a movie or something.
Howard said that Mark wants Martha Raye's story to be made into a movie and that's what he's' out to do now. Mark said that he would not play himself in the movie. He wants Keanu Reeves to play him because he's about the age that he was when he met Martha. Mark said that he's up to 240 pounds and he's also diabetic. Howard seemed shocked by that.
Artie asked him what kind of money he was worth at the most. He talked about the kind of money he was spending on this house he had built and how that was worth about 3 million at one point. Mark said that he's 59 years old now and he's living with his daughter. He said that he moved back out to New York. He said that when his daughter came to see him in L.A., he was in a coma.
Howard had this guy Harvey Stevens come in. He's the guy who played the kid Damien in The Omen. Howard asked him why he's banking his career on Mark. Harvey said that Mark is a big name. He had a bit of an English accent and told Howard that he didn't meet Mark, it was the writer of the movie that met Mark.
Howard asked Harvey who Mark is going to play in this movie that he's making. Harvey said that they have a couple of parts that he could play. He said that the movie will be a horror movie and it'll be a small budget movie. He said that he's gotten a load of scripts before and this one was a good one.
Robin asked Harvey what he's been doing lately. He said that he was a commodities trader. He said that he didn't work much after The Omen because he didn't have much interest in it and he didn't really have that talent to act.
Harvey said that he had some problems when he worked on The Omen. He said he had some stalkers that were after him and they had to move around. He said that things died down eventually and things were okay after that.
Howard said that this must be Mark's dream to be in a movie like this. Mark said that he's looking forward to this. Howard wondered if he could be insured for this movie because he's in poor health right now. Harvey said that it would be like a snuff film if he died during the shoot.
Howard took some calls and Gay Ramone called in laughing at Mark for getting old and grey. Another caller brought up Robin's cress and how it looked like a stingray. Howard showed the picture to Mark and asked him what he thought of it. Mark seemed confused by the arms being attached to the back and said that he didn't like it at all.
Howard asked Mark how long he was in his coma. Mark said it was about 2 weeks. He said he saw Marlena Dietrich when he was out and she told him that he was marvelous. Harvey said that he's working on a movie called ''Juggles'' right now but that's not the one that Mark will be in.
Howard gave Mark a plug for his web site AKAMarkHarris.com and then Mark mentioned Harvey Weinstein and said that he's trying to get the life story of Martha Raye's life made with him. Howard asked if he's been in contact with him at all. Mark said that he hasn't heard back from him yet but his agent is waiting for the call. Howard figured he had basically just sent the guy some documents. He hasn't gotten a call back from the guy yet and he may not. Howard said that Mark made it sound like he was working with the guy but he really wasn't.
Vinnie Favale called in and said that it was sad to hear Mark so down. He said that he got a call from Mark before his surgery to say goodbye to him. He said it sounded like he was thinking he was going to diet. Vinnie talked about some of the stuff that Mark had going on out at his house like big American flags painted on his windows. It's amazing that he was able to sell it. Vinnie reminded the guys of some of the other stuff that Mark did in the past like some of the songs that he performed years ago.
Artie asked Mark to go with him over to Iraq to entertain the troops. Mark said he'd like to do that. Howard took a call from Wood Yi (Sal and/or Richard) who was asking Mark to do some strange stuff. Mark was defending himself and shooting back with some comments as if he were really speaking to the guy.
Howard took another call from a guy who annoyed him too much so he just hung up and said ''Thanks... uh... annoying.''
Howard was about to wrap up but Mark asked if he was going to bring in Tadpole Triplet, the guy who was producing this movie that they were going to make. They said that Tadpole used to work for Jay Leno. Howard said that he wasn't sure he wanted to meet someone named Tadpole.
Tadpole came in and talked about this movie that Mark was going to be in and how they were going to need him for about 3 days for the death scene. He said that he hasn't auditioned Mark but he met him about 5 or 6 years ago and they had talked about doing a father / son movie together. Artie asked Tadpole what dies in this death scene, his career?
Howard wished Tadpole luck with his movie and was about to wrap up. Then he took a call from Mark the Bagger who was asking some gay questions. Howard didn't keep him on too long. He was wrapping up but took one more call from the Iron Sheik (Sal and Richard again) who was calling Mark a faggot and a cock sucker. Mark said he sounded like a raving lunatic. Howard wished Harvey and Mark luck with the film and then went to break. Fred played Mark's ''Dear President Clinton'' song as they were going to commercial.
Howard asked the guys if they knew what her last name was. He said she was the hottest blonde he's ever seen, other than his own Beth O of course. No one came rushing in with a name but Benjy found it on the web and said that it was Megan Kelly. She's 37 years old which turned Howard off. Howard said this chick doesn't look 37.
Howard had Scott Weiland from Stone Temple Pilots, and formerly Velvet Revolver, on the phone so he picked up and asked him about his marriage. Scott said that he's kind of not together with her at the moment. He said that they're on and off all the time.
Howard asked Scott if he loves drama or something. Scott said he used to but not so much anymore. Howard wanted to talk to Scott about his wife but Scott told him that he had Adrian Young from the band No Doubt on the line with him.
Howard said he thought that Adrian used to bang Gwen Stefani. Adrian said that wasn't him that was one of the other guys in the band. They spent a short time talking about Gwen and how she left the band behind and went solo.
Howard said that Scott was out with Velvet Revolver for a while but now he's split from them and went back to the guys from Stone Temple Pilots. Scott said that the guys in Velvet Revolver weren't getting along with him and they had to call it quits. Scott said that he got back with the guys from STP and that may have had something to do with it.
Howard said that Scott has a history of not getting along with his band mates. Scott said that he does take some of the responsibility but some of the guys are known to be ''lead singer haters'' so it was getting pretty bad. He said that out of the blue Matt had posted something on a web site where he slagged him and he didn't like that. He said that he didn't remember exactly what it said though. Scott said that he had to retaliate after that.
Howard read some notes about what the guys were saying about Scott and how he had some erratic behavior and that he wasn't getting along with them. Scott said that they did a show one night and he told the audience that they were seeing the last Velvet Revolver show. He said he still had a commitment to make another record with them though.
Howard read that they're now talking about getting Chris Cornell to replace Scott. Scott said that they'll have to deal with a bunch of stuff in that band. Howard said that he read that Scott had bad mouthed Axl Rose at one point but Scott said that it's Rock and Roll and there was some stuff that was stirred up there. Scott said that he thinks that Guns N Roses did some great stuff during that era that they were together. He said he thinks that they should get back together.
Howard said he's glad that Scott is back with Stone Temple Pilots and that's where he should be. He said that he's made some great music with them and it makes sense to him that they're going back out on tour.
Scott said that it's really hard to be the front man of a band. He said he writes all of the lyrics and melodies and being that front person there is a responsibility to do interviews and getting up really early in the morning and things like that. He said that's all cool when you're in your 20s but it gets tedious when you get older.
Howard asked Scott if he bangs other women when he's out on the road. Scott said that he's never cheated on his wife when he's been married to this wife he has now. Howard said it must be tempting to go out and do other chicks. Scott said that it's not that hard. He talked about his many rehabs and he's had about 40 detoxes.
Scott said that he's been off heroin for about 5 years now. Howard congratulated him on that. Scott said that he'd love to be off of everything but it's not a perfect world. He said that he has an obsessive compulsive behavior and it draws him to other things. Robin asked Scott if he's on any prescription drugs. Scott said he's only on something for his bi-polar disorder.
Scott said that he's got a solo record coming out this fall. Howard said that the reunion tour is kicking off next month and you can find out more at StoneTemplePilots.com
Howard asked Scott how the reunion all came about. Scott talked about how things were going in Velvet Revolver and how things just weren't working out. Scott said that things are all cool with the guys in STP and they're all back into their big circle jerk thing.
Howard asked Scott if he hates Slash now. Scott said that he's a great guitar player and he's very humble for a guy who has branded himself as well as he has. He said that he's not about doing that himself but he thinks that Slash has made things work very well for him. Scott said that he doesn't hate him at all and hopes they can be friends again. Right now that's kind of tough while he's dealing with the STP thing. He said that it's almost like they never left each other.
Howard wrapped up with Scott and told him to come in with the guys in the band and play for them sometime. He said goodbye to him and ended up talking about Velvet Revolver for a few minutes. He said he didn't remember them having a big hit song. Gary said that they did have a big one called ''Slither'' but Howard didn't think it was that big of a song. Fred played the song and both Artie and Howard said that was no hit song. He said it was a good song but hnot a bit hit. Robin said it was a hit. Howard told her to stop with that becuase it wasn't a hit.
Howard read through some stories that he saw in the news and talked about Katie Couric getting all upset about not getting to do a debate. Gary found the article about President Bush that Robin was talking about and read how he's gotten the lowest approval ratings in the history of the Gallup poll.
Howard talked about how he liked Richard Nixon when he was in office and he thinks that they should have looked the other way when all of that crap went down with him.
Scott DePace came in and said that this poll shows what the American public knows. He said that things are going much better now than they were during Carter's Presidency. Scott said he still thinks that the gas prices aren't Bush's fault and the Iraq war was unavoidable.
Howard wanted to move on and not spend any time with DePace and his wild political discussions. Robin said that Scott is all for this war but he doesn't want his kids going over and fighting. Scott said that they needed to go to war.
Howard cut Scott off and Fred played the Showbiz Pizza theme since Scott had worked there years ago. Howard told Scott that he'd probably be a good sniper because he plays Halo 3.
Gary said that there was a jeep ride that he went on and they have big signs saying that you can tip the drivers. Gary said that he figured $20 was about right for something like that. Gary said the other guy in the car was going to give $40 so he had to whip out another 20 for the guy. He said that the tour cost them $350 before tip.
Gary said he took a train to the Grand Canyon and this guy was on the train entertaining people with his guitar. Gary said there were about a dozen people in the train car at the time. He said he knew that he wanted some money because he had money hanging out of his vest. Gary said that he saw people reaching into their pockets to pay so he gave him a $5 bill. Howard said that's nuts that you have to pay a guy who shows up on the train like that.
Howard said that he's been to Bat Mitzvah's where they take tips. He heard that Jon Hein asked his people not to take tips from the guests of the party. They didn't listen and there were people taking tips. Howard said this train thing reminds him of going to a Broadway play and having to tip the performers.
Gary said that this cowboy came by on the train and they fake a robbery. He said he had to tip the cowboy too. It was like he was really being robbed. Gary said that the train ride was like $500 for four people. He said he just tips and doesn't bother asking his wife if he should or not.
Howard said that you never ask your woman what you should give as a tip. It turns them on if you just give a tip without asking.
Gary said that he was tipping room service people at the hotel he was staying at but he realized that the tip was built into the charge that he was already paying. Artie said that he always tips even if it is included in the room service charge. Howard said he does the same thing and probably ends up paying 80 percent tips.
Howard said that he would never pay that guy on the train though. Gary said that on the way on that train he didn't bother tipping the guy because it was so annoying. He said he just went to the bathroom and avoided it.
Ralph called in and said that there are tip jars everywhere now like at Starbucks. He said that's really annoying. Artie said that it's all about how much time you spend with the person and Starbucks isn't all that long.
Howard played a clip of Sal interviewing some of the guys down at the parking garage. They were talking about how cheap Gary was and how he only gives like a dollar tip. Gary said that he has to see that guy this afternoon around 2 o'clock. Gary said that he sometimes doesn't have small bills on him and he's not going to give the guy a $20 bill. He said that he ends up giving those guys 2 bucks a day and then a huge Christmas gift at the end of the year.
Nick came in and had some problems with his headphones. Nick came in and complained that he was told to get there at 8 and he had to wait until 9 to get on the air. Howard said he was booked for 8:30 and he just got the note at 8:40 that he was there.
Nick had hurt his lip on something so Howard pointed that out and asked what happened. Nick said that he put a hard boiled egg into the microwave and heated it up for a short time and when he took it out, it exploded all over his face and burned him.
Robin told Nick he should know better than that. You can't put something in the microwave that you can't pierce. Nick said that it should have exploded in the microwave then.
Howard asked about the egg and how he did this. Nick said that it was a hard boiled egg that he wanted to heat up to room temperature. He said that he peeled the egg and then bit into it. It didn't explode until he bit into it. He said he was at about a 6 on a scale of 10 for pain. He said it burned him and now he has this herpe-looking burn on his lip.
Howard asked Nick about this internet show that he's doing now. Nick said that it's actually a TV show on the web and Artie is coming up for the meatballs he's serving.
Howard asked Nick if he heard about Artie's meltdown 2 weeks ago. Nick said he had heard about it of course. Howard joked that Nick had sent in his resume. Nick said that he may have caused Artie's blow up because he was out in L.A. with Artie and Teddy when the whole ''Bloomies'' thing went down.
Nick said that he was told that he was going to have a car sent over to pick him up for this show he was doing. He said that Bob Levy was telling him another story but the car did show up to pick him up.
Artie and Nick talked about another story with Teddy and how he had booked a car to pick up Nick and Sal, who were on different flights, so Nick was going to have to wait for him to show up.
Howard asked about this TV show that Nick is doing. Nick said that he's doing this thing called BlogTV and he thinks it's the future of TV. He said that he, Joe Rogan and other guys are doing it. He said that he gives them at least an hour for each show and he does 6 a month. He said he gets paid decently too for doing them.
Nick said that you can find out about the show by going through his web site NickDip.com and click on the BlogTV link there.
Howard said that Nick was the guy who helped Gary out in Las Vegas when he was bored. Howard said he heard that Gary is going back out there again and he might need Nick to save him from boredom again.
Nick said that when he went up to Gary's room he was in one of those robes with his cock hanging out. Gary said that nick was joking about that. He said that he was in a robe because he was in a hot tub.
Artie said that he was out in Vegas in a sauna and trying to sweat out his booze, vikodin and ecstasy when Dennis Rodman showed up. He said that Dennis was pulling on his dick and doing exercises in the sauna. He said that his ass was in front of them and it was really weird.
Howard said that Nick is going with Artie on this USO tour. Howard said it was Iraq but Nick said that he thought it was Afghanistan. Artie told him that he'd explain it to him later. It's supposed to be a top secret trip and Nick was giving out information that he wasn't supposed to... kind of like I'm doing right now.
Howard gave Nick a plug for his BlogTV show and then said that Eric the Midget is doing a similar show because it's all web cam based. Nick thought he was jerking him around but he wasn't.
Ralph called in and asked Nick what he and Gary did out in Vegas when they were watching TV. Nick said that Gary was telling him stories about Bill Belechick that were great. He said that they weren't doing anything that strange.
Howard did his Gary impression and acted out what the scene must have been like. He asked Nick if Gary just talked and talked and bored him. Howard said they actually had pictures of Nick and Gary in the hotel room and showed them to Nick. Nick said that it looked like a low level Gambino family meeting.
Gary said that he's going to cancel lunch with them and his trip to Iraq with Artie if they keep goofing on him like they were.
Tracy said that she's never really had a problem getting a man but it's hard getting the right man. Artie told her to look no further. She said that's why she was there. She modeled for them and showed them what she looked like.
Howard asked Nick what he would do to that chick if he hadn't had an egg explode on his face. He said that he'd let her eggs explode on his face. Howard said that he was very excited that she was the new Miss Howard TV.
Tracy said that she likes Artie and he's actually her type. She said she likes funny, cuddly type guys and she would definitely go out with him if she wasn't dating someone. She said that she'd even date him if he worked at the city dump. Nick had asked her about that.
Tracy said that she's a TV host for NYC-TV when she's not doing this modeling thing. She said that it's a local station there in New York.
Artie said that the guys picking these broads is really good because they're all hot. Howard asked her how big her breasts are. She said that they're 34-D. Artie sounded like he was about to pass out from her beauty.
Howard asked Tracy if she's ever had sex with a girl. She said she had never done that. He asked her what she's done sexually that's crazy. She wasn't sure what to say about that. She said that she's not that exciting and she has normal sex. She did it in a movie theater one time though.
Tracy is going to be in the Howard TV bowling show that's coming up next month. She talked about some of what she was wearing, a little black bikini, and what was going on during that round. Howard let her go a short time later and gave her a plug for her web site TracyLynneMusic.com
Howard talked to Nick a little more about his BlogTV show and let him get in some plugs for some comedy shows he had coming up soon. He wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Steve said that they have a story about the Artie Meltdown show being played this weekend on Howard 101 for those who didn't hear it. It will run all weekend long.
Steve said that they have an interview with Pastor James Manning that they'll run today on Howard 100 News. He said that they had him commenting on Barack Obama and about Howard as well. The guys spent a minute talking to Steve about that story.
Steve said that they have a story about Benjy still leading the Paris Hilton Best Friend web site voting. They have a story about Riley Martin appearing in a cartoon called Squidbillies. Howard said he saw that and Riley got a legitimate job using his voice for a cartoon. He said he wished he had audio of that to play so maybe he'll do that tomorrow.
Howard noticed that Steve's hand was shaking and wondered if he was nervous. Steve said that it is kind of like delivering his news to a firing line and he is a bit nervous about it.
Howard let Steve go and had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down the list of things they were going to try and cover today.
Howard had Robin get into her news after that call. Fred started her off with a ''Black Snatch Fever'' song parody. She started her news with a story about American Idol and how the contestants were all performing Andrew Lloyd Weber show tunes. Howard said that he felt bad for the contestants. He also thought that Weber was an odd looking guy. Fred threw in a frog croaking sound when they brought that guy up.
Howard played some of the audio clips from American Idol and said that the show is getting really bad and losing ratings. They ended up talking about the husband of one of the contestants who has his face covered in tattoos. Artie said that you have to be nuts to get your whole face tattooed. You can't care less about life when you go and do something nutty like that.
Howard had an audio clip from this Squidbillies show that he was talking about earlier. He said that it's a legitimate show. He played the clip and said that maybe he can get into some cartoon work now. Robin said that would be great.
Robin said that she read that the girlfriend of Opie (Greg ''Opie'' Hughes) from the Opie and Anthony show is involved in some sex tape controversy right now. She's in a tape with Bam Margera from what the article says. Robin said that Opie has apparently banned the name Bam from being mentioned on the show. Howard said he didn't think they did things like that on that show. Howard said that does kind of suck and he's not sure he could go out with a chick who made a sex tape like that. Artie said that would freak him out too. He saw that she may have been doing some ''nasty'' stuff with Bam in the tape.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that on Big Brother 9 last night they shackled two people together. He figured they got the idea from the show since he was shackled to a woman for a few days for a contest they ran. Artie said that they probably didn't steal the idea of having the guy shit and make the woman throw up though.
Howard took another call from a woman who was trying to compliment the show but she took too long and Howard hung up on her. Another guy said that Mary McCormack looks like she had a nose job or something. Howard said that he might be having dinner with Mary tonight. He said that he's not even sure what the name of her new show is. The caller said that she looks like she was slapped a yarmulke.
Howard said that he should have had sex with Mary but it might have looked odd if he had done something like that after making the movie. He said that he made the movie about how much he loved his actual wife and it would be bad if he banged his movie wife.
Howard played the interview that Jay did with John. Jay talked about John's wife being so attractive and how he never understood that. Artie said that hearing this was making him wonder what happened to John. He said he loves John but this is really strange. Howard said he thinks that after John did that ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here'' he appeared on the Tonight Show and he was charming. the writers must have figured that they'd get some rub from his show if they hired him. It seemed like it was just days after he started there that they stopped letting John do his announcing life on the show.
Artie said that next year is the year that Leno might be leaving NBC. If that happens they could get rid of John if they really want to clean the house over there. Howard said that if Jay moves to a new network, he's pretty sure that John won't go with him. Gary said that would be pretty rude if he did that and brought everyone over to a new network.
JD said that John actually says in one interview that he wants to follow Jay wherever he goes. Howard played that clip and got annoyed with everyone talking over each other in that interview. It was Jillian Barberie's show that he was on.
Artie asked if he had more of the Tonight Show interview. He said he had to hear more. Howard played some more of that where John and Jay were talking about John's kids. John talked about his son Oscar being born on New Year's day 2 years ago. He talked about his other kids for a few minutes. John also talked about John's first acting role when he was in 1st grade. They talked about that role and John ended up singing the song he remembered from that show. Howard said that Artie was rolling his eyes during that song but he wouldn't admit it.
Howard asked Artie if he had heard enough yet. Artie said ''What else is in the news Robin?'' He said that these studio audiences are really lame these days. He said that because the audience was clapping along with John while he sang.
Howard did his Jay Leno impression and goofed on him a little bit. Howard said that he's actually happy for John and the fact that he has a decent job now.
Howard played more of John's interview where Jay asked him about his stuttering as if he didn't know anything about it. John talked about the names that he used to be called and how he overcame that and was actually a key note speaker at a national stuttering convention. Brad Garret was there and asked John if the convention was a 3 day weekend.
JD said that John reuses Brad's joke in the clip and jokes about how long the speech took. Then John actually references working on the Stern show. He talked about helping some other guy out with his stuttering and the story didn't really go anywhere. Howard didn't get the story so Robin and Artie had to fill in the blanks.
John told a story to Jay about cutting his nose hairs before he went to his movie premiere. That led to Artie telling a story about John and going out to eat with him one day. He said that he saw John grab a nose hair from his own nose and cut it with a steak knife at the table. He said it was the grossest thing he had ever seen.
Howard played more of the Stuttering John clip where Jay talks about John showing his butt in his new movie ''One, Two, Many.'' John said that he ''had to'' show his ass in the movie but John wrote the movie so he didn't have to do anything.
Howard asked Artie if he wanted to hear more of this interview. Artie just laughed so Howard played more of it. They played a clip from John's movie where he was in a psychiatrist's office and talking about his problems with women. The audience was laughing but it wasn't clear why.
Artie said that John cast himself as this womanizer and he's not sure that he was the right guy for the part. He said that he's seen reviews of movies like this one that David Spade with Sophie Marceau and they really bashed Spade because of the way they looked together.
After the break Robin got back into her news and read a story about Hillary Clinton winning the Pennsylvania primary. She had Howard playing some audio clips from Hillary's speech after her win. Robin had some Barack Obama clips to play as well. Howard noticed that Artie as drinking some Hawaiian Punch with his healthy lunch. Artie apologized for that but said that he needs some taste to go along with his drink.
Eric the Midget called in and said that he wanted to comment on that balloon story. He said that there's no fuckin' way they're going to put him on any balloon thing. He said that it's just not going to happen. Howard said that it wouldn't have happened anyway. He asked Eric when he's starting his tour for his new model contest. He said it's starting June 17th in Phoenix. He's hoping to have some special guest judges to help him out with the contest. Howard threw in a bunch of Eric the Midget clips that the guys had created.
Howard asked Eric if he wanted to do the Taxi Driver remake that they talked to Colin Quinn about yesterday. Eric said he wasn't sure about that movie. He said he'd have to think about it. Howard said that he can't call him Eric the Actor anymore if he doesn't actually act. He asked him what he wanted to be called and played a clip that said ''Eric the Fag.'' Howard let Eric go after that and told him to get back to him about the movie.
Robin got back to her news and read a few more stories about things like rising fuel prices, Larry King staying on another year at CNN, A-Rod becoming a father for the second time and Marlee Matlin being voted off Dancing with the Stars. Howard said that's a big surprise, she can't hear and she was voted off a dancing show. Artie told a story about Colin Quinn doing a show one time where they had a person doing sign language while he was doing his act. When one of his jokes bombed, he went up to the signer, tapped on her head and said ''is this thing on?''
Howard talked about how hot he finds Ashlee Simpson when Robin brought her up in one story. Howard spent a minute talking about her. Robin got back to her news and read through another story about some crazy stuff going on in the Congo where people think that people are using black magic to shrink or steal men's penises. She spent a minute on that and had Howard goofing around with the story. Howard ended the show a short time later, around 10:55am
Gary said that Mark is one of his favorite people on the show and he's loved him from the first day he was on. He said that he's been a regular on the show forever but this is like the 37th project that he's promoted that will probably never see the light of day.
Jon and Gary talked about the guy Harvey who came in with Mark and how they didn't see any resemblance to the Damien kid that was in The Omen. They talked about some of the stuff that Mark and Harvey were talking about during the interview.
Benjy said that he has daily contacts and he had a problem with them when he was leaving this morning. He got to work and had to fix it when he got there. He said he wasn't running late or anything but he had to put them in when he got there.
Jon asked Benjy why he kept going when Howard told him to stop doing what he was doing. Benjy said that he was only half a second from getting it in the right spot and he wanted to just finish. Gary said that it was really disturbing to watch him doing it because he just rips his whole eye open to put them in.
Jon asked Benjy if he thinks the people there actually like him. Benjy said that he thinks that most of them do. He said that he thinks Gary and Jon like him. Gary said that he does. Jon said he does too. Benjy wasn't so sure about Robin.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she was very excited to talk to the guys because she's such a fan of the show. She also said that she thinks that Benjy does this stuff to get attention. Benjy said that he really doesn't do that to get attention. He said that he does some stuff for attention but not the stuff that he thinks he does it for.
Gary pointed out that Benjy brushes his teeth in the halls there at work. Benjy said that's not to get attention though. He said if he wanted attention he'd walk around naked in the halls. Gary said that if he just stopped doing that weird stuff they'd leave him alone.
The caller said that she thinks that Benjy would show up early if they offered him a million bucks to do that. Benjy said that he's been showing up on time lately. He said that he's been on time for 98-99 percent of the time that he's worked there.
Jon took another phone call from a guy who pointed out that Gary answers a lot of questions saying ''yeah, no...'' or ''no... yeah...'' He said that he knows a lot of people do that these days but it's really annoying. Gary said that he isn't doing it on purpose if he is doing that.
Gary said that they have a show on Howard TV where they show the behind the scenes planning for the Garypalooza and he's thinking that they should put together a special with just clips of Benjy in the meetings because he's so wild.
Jon asked Benjy about his hat and where that was. Benjy said that he just got a hair cut and it was pretty warm out so he didn't need it.
A phone caller asked Gary what kind of tip he gives in a restaurant. Gary said it's 20 percent on pretty much everything he tips on. The caller said that he gives 15 percent so Gary said that's a typical tip and that's acceptable in his opinion.
Gary said that Howard is the second most generous tipper he's ever met. The biggest tipper he's ever seen is Richard Simmons who once doubled the bill when he paid for the $150 meal they had.
Benjy said that he didn't tip cabs in the past but he has started doing that now. Gary said that he will make sure the tip is really good if he knows he's been recognized. He said that he has to tip them really well because that person could end up calling the show.
Another caller asked Gary if he ever answers his hotel room door in his robe and tips the person who comes up. Gary said that he does tip people who will bring stuff to him in a hotel most of the time depending on what they do.
The guys talked about some other tips and what they would leave. they were talking about staying in a hotel room and what they should tip there. The caller said it should be like 20 bucks for a couple of days. That led to them talking about some hotels there in the city that are really nice. They had to break after that.
Jon and Gary moved on to talk about Scott Weiland's call to the show. They talked about Velvet Revolver and how they did okay. Gary said that he loved that group of guys as a group. He said he thought that the guys in the band were really nice and they had a lot of great stories.
Ralph called in and talked about the Velvet Revolver thing a little bit but then got back to the tipping thing. He said that Gary shouldn't have to take shit from a garage attendant. He said that if the guy doesn't like the tip Gary is giving him, he shouldn't get anything. Ralph said that he wouldn't tip the guy if he was like that. Gary said that those guys get paid from tips so they have to give something. Ralph said that it's ridiculous to have to pay 50 bucks to park and then have to tip a guy a few more bucks. Gary said that it's not the attendant's fault so you can't blame him for the high prices.
Ralph said that he tips waitresses and people like that but not garage attendants. Jon argued with him about his reasoning for tipping and said that a waitress is no different than a guy who brings you your car. Ralph said that he will give a shitty tip if the person if they give him shitty service.
Ralph said that he'll call and ask for stuff at hotels and he will leave the room so he's not there when they bring he stuff up to him so he can avoid the tip.
Jon got back to Scott Weiland and asked Gary if he thinks that STP will stay together after this. Gary said that he doesn't think that Scott is looking to break up with anyone but you never know. He said that they're a great band and they might just work things out and stay together.
The guys talked about the flack that Teddy was taking from Nick and Artie this morning. Benjy was saying that he's had money issues with friends like Artie and Howard were talking about. He said that it can get annoying when you have to ask them for the money back.
Gary said that he has a friend who loaned money to a friend and the guy never paid him back and it's driving the guy nuts. Jon said it would drive him nuts too. Benjy said that some people get nasty when you ask for your money back when they think that you don't need it as much as they do.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he doesn't understand why Artie is on the show after what he did. He said that he seems to get a lifetime of free passes on the show. He should have gone to some anger management or weight loss classes. Gary said that you can't make him go to a weight loss class. The guy also asked about why they have so many commercials on the show. Gary tried to answer him but he wouldn't let him get a word in.
The caller said that the commercials are like K-Rock now. Jon said that they're no where near that many. They do about 5 breaks per morning and they last maybe 3 minutes each. Jim McClure said that the people probably get confused by the fact that they play a song during the break.
The caller was annoyed that there were any commercials at all. Gary said that they've gone over that already, 2 years ago, and that's a fact that they have to accept. They don't last anywhere as long as the old show commercials did though.
Benjy said he could actually walk home and back during the breaks at K-Rock. Gary said he had similar issues with the commercials over there. They used to run for almost 20 minutes. Gary said he heard that out in L.A. they made the breaks even longer.
A caller said that he wanted to talk about the tipping thing. He said that he read that 15 percent is standard and acceptable tipping but you know, as a waiter or waitress, that someone like Howard is going to come in and give a huge tip. He said that they don't measure someone on the amount they tip though. Gary asked why they have web sites dedicated to bashing celebrities who don't tip enough. The guy said that they do that when the celebrities fail to tip one person when they stay at a hotel or something.
The guys were asking the guy about the tipping thing and who he thinks is a bad tipper but has a good personality. The guy didn't have a straight answer and went on and on talking about his experiences.
Gary said that they had this guy Glen the Caller who used to call the show all the time and tell them stories about the people he drove around. He'd call in to talk about how he didn't get tips from big stars like John Mellencamp.
The caller was saying that he thinks that most waiters work harder than Ralph. Gary said that he thinks Ralph's reasoning for why he doesn't tip is just his way of explaining why he's cheap. They spent another minute on the tipping thing and then moved on.
Jon asked Gary about his bathroom problem that he talked about early this morning. Jon said that he didn't understand how he could miss the hole when he's hovering over the seat. Gary said that he'd like to see other people hover and get it right. He said that he's not sure what kind of toilet they have there but when he opened the seat he almost vomited when he smelled what was in there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he drove William Shatner one night and thought that he wasn't going to tip him. He said he ended up getting a 20 from him and that blew him away. He said that he thinks that most celebrities are pretty good about tipping.
Another caller said that there was a great Stern mention on ''30 Rock'' last week and they must have missed it. Gary said that JD did get that clip and it's just waiting for Howard to play it. Gary said that it was a nice shout out to the show.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks that Sal is upset that Howard mentioned that he wasn't going to invite him to his wedding. Gary said he's pretty sure he's upset about that. Gary said that they could break down at the last second but he's not sure about that. Benjy said that they're still pretty far out from that wedding so there's time for things to change.
Jon took one more call from a guy who said that Gary shouldn't feel bad about tipping people because he has to work in a place where he busts his hump and doesn't get any tips. Jon had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about all of the clips he had to play that he hadn't been able to get to earlier in the week. He first played a clip from the Today Show where one of the women calls Meredith Viera ''Katie'' accidentally. Howard thought that was great. He said he finds it amusing how they have to mention everyone's name in there as they're throwing it to them for another story.
Howard had another clip where they have this ESPN anchor saying ''the (Denver) Niggets'' instead of ''nuggets.'' Robin said she had to hear that one again because it was so good. She got a good laugh from that one. Howard said he would have loved to have seen the visual on that one. He replayed the clip had Robin laughing again. Artie showed up a little late so Howard told him about that ''Niggets'' clip and replayed it so he could hear it.
Howard had a clip from ''30 Rock'' where they got in a Baba Booey mention. In the clip the boyfriend of Tina Fey's character is presented an award by the Mayor of New York and he gets in a ''Stern rules! Baba Booey!'' in his acceptance speech.
Howard had some other Baba Booey mentions. He had one from the Spitzer resignation outside of Spitzer's apartment. In the clip a reporter is talking about what was going on with Spitzer and all of a sudden a bunch of people started yelling out Baba Booey and the reporter had to acknowledge it and said ''...We have a Baba Booey...''
Howard played another Baba Booey reference during the Pope's visit to the city. A few people drove by in a car in Brooklyn and yelled out ''Baba Booey'' as they drove by. They did that two times. They got in a bunch of Baba Booeys each time.
Howard played another clip where a reporter says ''erection'' instead of ''election'' during a report. It was a female reporter from Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania.
Howard explained what he had to go through to get to some jerking off material. Artie said that it sounds like the idea for it wasn't a man's idea. He said that a guy just wants to go directly to the porn and not think about that kind of stuff.
Ronnie said that he saw Gina in a French Maid's outfit. Howard said that's the interactive thing and not a regular movie.
Howard had something to read to the guys about doody. He mentioned the stuff that they talked about yesterday and then read an e-mail from someone who said that they don't know what they're eating to have such big doodies. The writer suggested bringing a wire hanger with him when he travels so he can chop up his doody. Howard said that he's going to start doing that because it's a great idea.
Fred said that they should just get a butter knife from room service or something like that. Howard said that he would use a soup tureen to chop it up.
Howard had an e-mail about the Miss Howard TV and how hot she was. The writer thought she was the hottest one yet.
Howard said that he had some new Hate Man voice mails to play. In the first one Hate Man was going off on Robin about her Girl's Night Out thing. Howard said that wasn't the right one so he asked Gary to find the most current one. Gary said that it looked like someone had moved them.
Howard finally found the right Hate Man voice mail and played it. In the message Hate Man was going off on Robin about her coffee enemas and her Eritrea charity. He was suggesting some creepy stuff that he could do with her and this woman Zebiba. He also yells out the N-word a bunch of times before the message is over. Howard wondered if he really wants Robin and he doesn't really hate her. Robin said that's probably the case.
Howard played a prank call the guys made using some Hate Man audio clips. Howard wondered if that was the creepiest call that woman had ever gotten. She stuck with him without hanging up so maybe she was used to that kind of stuff. Artie said he hopes that she's at least a real black woman.
Howard said that he had some prank calls to replay. He said that he was doing his impressions of his mother and father talking about sex the other day and the guys used clips from that to make a prank call. He played that call where they call a gay phone sex line and use Howard's clips to have phone sex. Howard said that Sal the Stockbroker used Tim Sabean's credit card to make that call.
Howard told Artie that Dana was really sweet and wondered if Artie still misses her. Artie said that he doesn't think that he'll ever get over her. He said that she's the one that got away from him.
Howard talked about the thing that really screwed up Artie's relationship with Dana. That was the day that Vinnie Favale sent Dana some information about the girls that Artie was going supposed to be spending the night with.
Howard said he had a story about Artie that was making the rounds there. He said that Artie and Gary went to lunch yesterday. Gary wanted some alone time with Artie but the restaurant was kind of crowded. He said that the waitress showed them some tables and they picked a booth. Artie said that he couldn't fit in the booth so they couldn't take that table. Howard said that Artie is so big now that he can't fit into a booth.
Artie said that the booth there is really small and even Jon Hein would have trouble sitting in that one. Artie said he tried to get into the booth but he really didn't fit. He said the waitress was really cute too and she had to have known why they were moving.
Artie said that this was the first time that it was that definite that he couldn't fit like that. He said he couldn't even get into the seat at all. He said he didn't even get his legs in there. He said that he it would have been a very uncomfortable lunch if he had stayed there.
Artie said that they went to this City Lobster place and it was really good. He said that it was fantastic. Howard said it would have been funny if he had fit in there and then got stuck after eating his meal.
Artie said that he thinks that he really needed Teddy yesterday. He said that he got home around 2 o'clock and he was really tired. He said that he had gotten a hair cut from Toni, the chick that cuts Howard's hair. Artie said that he was actually holding her baby while she was cutting his hair. Artie said he felt bad for her because she had 3 kids there. They had a picture of him holding the baby and they were going to put it up on Howard's web site.
Artie said that the baby had started crying so he offered to hold it for her to make it stop. He said that he looked like Grandma Caprio in that picture.
Artie said he had to nap when he got home so he fell asleep. He said he wanted to sleep for an hour but he slept until about 7pm. He said he got up and went to the kitchen and ordered a chicken parm, got his foot, ate and then started checking his messages. He had 31 messages.
Artie said that the first message was his publicist saying that it was 3:30 and they wanted him to go over to Letterman because someone had dropped out. Artie said he could have gotten a Letterman appearance if he had been awake. He said that he slept right through it. He said that his publicist has his phone and he should have texted him. If Teddy was around they would have gotten him up and he would have made it to Letterman.
Artie said that if he hadn't blown up at Teddy the other day, he would have been on Letterman last night. He said it was like karma had just come around and whacked him in the face.
Howard said that he's surprised that Gary fit into that booth at the restaurant. Artie said that Gary has actually lost 10 pounds and he's not that big. Howard said that Artie has gotten so big that he's broken 3 chairs at the staff meetings. He doesn't come to those meetings anymore because of that.
Howard said that Gary came to him first thing this morning with that story about Artie not fitting in the booth. Artie said he's so not like that and he doesn't run to anyone telling stories like that.
Mike Gange came in and said that he could get that Robin animation but it would take a little while. That led to Howard goofing on Gange about the voice overs he's doing for the Howard TV commercials they run there. He said that he gets on and says ''Hi, this is Mike Gange...'' like it matters who it is doing the commercial.
Howard played a clip of Mike introducing himself in one of the commercials and goofed on him about that. Howard wanted to get a professional announcer for that but Robin told him that they apparently can't afford to do that.
Gary came in and said that Doug Goodstein and Mike are very prevalent in the Howard Stern world and they're in a Howard TV poster where Sal and Richard aren't even included. Gary said that they could ask someone like Jimmy Kimmel to do the voice for the commercials. Mike said that he costs no money though so that's why they have him do them. Howard said that they could have Richard and Sal do them because the audience would know them better than Gange.
Howard said it seems like Mike and Doug are doing it just so they can get some air time. Gary went out to find a commercial where Doug Goodstein does the voice over. Howard goofed on Doug talking about how he doesn't move his mouth when he speaks and how dull and droning he seems to be when he's talking.
Howard said that he bets that Doug and Gange are going to be at the shoot for the grand opening of Rick's Cabaret in Philly. He was right. Howard said that he's getting annoyed with Gange and he doesn't know why he's doing the voice overs. Mike said that everyone else loves the commercials. He said that the producer and the guy who records them loves his read.
Howard said that Scott DePace hates Mike's commercials. Mike sounded surprised by that. Howard asked anyone who thought they were terrible to come in and talk about it. DePace showed up and said he's been saying for months that they're horrible. He said he was asked to do them but he knows his voice isn't that good so he turned down the offer.
A bunch of people came in and said that the commercials were shit. JD, Jason, Ronnie, Steve the Intern and others came in to talk about how bad the commercials were. Gary told Howard he had the Doug Goodstein commercial for him to play. Howard played a few seconds of that and went off on Doug about that. Doug introduces himself and Howard said that no one knows who he is. He said that the music in the commercial was too loud and it was the worst commercial ever.
Howard told Mike that he should know that the commercial is horrible. Mike said that they introduce themselves because they want the audience to know why the voices aren't a professional announcer's. Howard said that Mike is out of his mind thinking that he's more recognizable than someone Jeff the Drunk.
Howard said that there's a reason to hire a professional announcer and wanted Mike to tell him what that reason is. Mike seemed to know that it was to sell product but he didn't think he was doing that bad of a job with them. Howard said that it's a waste for him to do the commercials and waste 5 seconds of it telling people who he is. Howard told Mike he's got no clue what he's doing and this proves it to him.
Howard said that it's like they're doing the commercials so their friends can hear his voice on the radio. Mike said it has nothing to do with that. Howard didn't believe that. He said that it sounds like he wants his friends to hear him doing the commercial.
Howard replayed one of the commercials that Mike read for and said that he lost track of what he was saying. Mike was talking about the Iron Sheik show. The rest of the guys ended up leaving.
Richard Christy came in and told Howard that he and Sal were supposed to be in the intro for the Howard TV shows but now they're not but Mike and Doug are. Howard said that Mike and Doug are so fuckin' nuts that they think the audience cares about them. He said that they think that the audience likes to hear them on the commercials and they really don't care. Howard said he wants them cut out of the intro from the Howard TV shows too.
Howard said that he's not sure who would go through the trouble to pick out Mike and Doug pictures to put in the intro to the show. Mike said that it's hardly noticeable. Howard said that's the point. He thinks that the guy who runs In Demand should be upset that he's getting Mike and Doug doing commercials for his service. He said that Rob should get more involved in this stuff and know what he's dealing with.
Howard played the rest of the commercial that Mike was in and goofed on how they played the music too loud. He then played the Doug Goodstein commercial and said that the first impression you get is what the audience pays attention to. He said that the first thing you hear is Doug saying ''Hey, it's Doug Goodstein...'' Howard said that they should mention Howard TV first, not Doug's name.
Howard told Mike to get out of there. Mike said that he would no longer do the commercials then. Howard said that they should give out even more information in those commercials and talk about their families and personal lives. Mike said he's not going to do them anymore.
Artie said that they could get Richard to do them since he has such a distinctive voice. Howard said he doesn't like those commercials at all.
AJ said that he heard about the Artie stuff and he knows how Artie must have felt after it all went down. He said that Robin sounded like she was giving birth during the whole thing yelling the way she was. AJ said that he has that same thermostat in his head that Artie does so he gets why he blew up the way he did.
AJ said that Artie did rob a bank (as a joke) one time and that's the kind of guy they're dealing with. AJ said that Artie is essential for the show and he gets why they let him come back.
Howard asked AJ about the day he snapped on Stuttering John and if he had been doing coke that day. AJ insisted that he hadn't been doing it and if he had, he probably would have killed John.
AJ said that he was really upset with the calls that John was letting through that day on the phones. Howard started to laugh when he thought about how that whole thing went down. Artie said that they went over that whole story during the Stuttering John Spotlight show. He heard the replay of that and he knew that John was going to go too far with that whole thing that day.
AJ said that when you do blow you actually get to be very social and he wouldn't blow up like that if he was on it. He said that he had done shows while he was on blow but not that particular day. He said that he would have been insane that day if he had been on that stuff.
Howard asked AJ what he's up to these days. AJ said that he's hooked up with an internet company and he's doing a thing called Real Guys Movie Review. He said that they review a few movies and you can find the clips on YouTube.com.
AJ said that he was glad that Artie was back. Artie said that he got a call from AJ that day and he really appreciated that. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said he went to dinner with Mary McCormack last night and she's doing a play there in Manhattan. He didn't know what the play was but Lisa said it's ''Boeing Boeing'' or something like that. Howard said that Mary asked him to come to the play but he wasn't sure he wanted to do that. He said that he doesn't want to go out on American Idol night. He said he was just kidding about that. He said he actually just doesn't get plays and doesn't want to sit through that stuff.
Lisa said that they have a story about JD and how depressed he seems to be. He's been making some posts on his Myspace account. He was complaining about his dancing victory that day that Artie snapped and how that was forgotten about. Howard said that blogging is so sad. JD came in and said that this news story is the lamest thing ever and wondered how that was news.
JD said that he was doing that to be funny, he didn't know it was going to end up being news. Howard told JD to go out and make some real friends instead of Myspace friends. Robin wanted to know how many friends he has. JD said it's over 10,000 but he didn't have an exact number.
Howard asked JD what he's thinking when he blogs. He asked if he was a star or something. JD said he's not. He said he feels he needs to write something once in a while and that's how he does it. JD said he wants to be a writer and that's what he's doing to do some creative writing.
Robin said that JD needs some contact with people but he can only do it on the web. Howard said that he should be writing about how angry he gets when hot women come into the office and ignore him. He said that he should write about how he doesn't want to have sex with Lisa G if he doesn't want to. JD said that Lisa is alright but she can be very annoying.
Howard asked JD if he would want Lisa if she came to him and said she wanted him. JD said that he might but that's not the way he sees her now. He said that she has taste and wouldn't want him. Lisa said that was very sad to hear him say that. JD said that she has taste and said that on the air one time.
Artie said he saw JD walking up with his Burger King food yesterday and he was saying that he would rather have McDonalds but it was too far away. Artie said that it's only a block away. JD said that he hardly goes out to get food like that. Howard said that JD is getting fat these days. JD told him to fuck off when he heard that.
Artie said that JD has no life and he just sleeps and works. Howard asked JD if he's number 1 on his dad's Myspace. JD said he hasn't checked lately.
Gary came in and said that he thinks that JD does the blogging the way he does so he can get people to respond to him and try to cheer him up. He gave Howard some of the blog posts so Howard read through those and goofed on JD. He read them in his JD voice and goofed on some of his spelling and grammar. Then he read through some of the posts from his Myspace ''friends'' who were trying to cheer him up. There was one chick who said that he should bring her with him to the clubs because her tits could get him in. Howard told JD he should date that chick.
Howard continued to read through the comments JD got on that post and ended up goofing on some of those posts. Howard said that this seemed to be like nerdville with some of the posts that were on there.
Howard said that he should publish a book ''JD's blog.'' Ralph called in and said that he thought he heard Artie say that he could do 20 push-ups. Howard said that was from when he was in his 20s. Artie said that he can still do push-ups.
Ralph said that the promos that they're doing for the replay of the Artie blow up show are really glorifying what he did. Howard said that they are and it's very wrong but that's what they've been doing for 20 years now.
Howard let Ralph go and got back to JD. He asked JD about his blogging and that led to Artie saying that JD is going to be doing some video blogging for Artie-Lange.com sometime in the future once he gets his site organized.
Howard said he had some interviews that JD did at an event he was at. He played the first clip which was an interview with Richard Belzer. Belzer seemed to be annoyed with the first question he was asked. JD asked him what the worst thing about him was. Belzer said it was being interviewed by him that was the worst thing. Belzer did say that Howard is genius though.
JD asked Kelsey Grammer a few questions and Kelsey said that he didn't have a problem with Howard Stern when he was asked about that. Kelsey said that he hasn't been asked to come on the show lately.
JD got an interview with Sarah Silverman. JD asked her about the Artie thing and she said that her head was spinning from the whole thing.
Howard heard that Beth went to see Jimmy Kimmel last night out in L.A. He said that he's not sure what she's up to out there but she's out partying and stuff without him there. He said he needs her back to service him. He said that she never did call him back last night after she said she was going out.
Up next in the JD interview clips was Robert F. Kennedy Jr. JD called him ''Senator'' so Howard went off on him about that. He was asked if he was for the merger of XM and SIRIUS. He didn't know much about it.
JD asked Susie Essman some questions like ''Who are you?'' and some questions about comedy being too vulgar. She stuck with him the whole time and seemed to have some fun with the questions. She said that she's does like Howard and that he's funny. Artie said that Susie is great on ''Curb Your Enthusiasm'' and told Howard how great she is in the part she plays.
JD got an interview with Robert Smigel who was doing his Triumph the Insult Comic Dog voice for him. He commented on Artie's leaving the show and things like that. He made a lot of references to the show and other shows on Howard's channels.
Howard asked Lisa if she had anymore stories. She said that they have a story about Gary and Luther Vandross having similar problems with weight gain and loss. She ran through a few more things and then Howard let her go. Artie asked her to get him one of those crumb buns from the machine. She didn't respond do that.
Howard had Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (Fake Arnold) on the phone. Arnold was calling in to talk about a few things that are going on in California. Arnold talked to Robin about her charity group and what's going on with that. Arnold bragged that he's involved in the special Olympics and things like that. He said it was great to see blacks doing something other than robbing and killing each other.
Howard said that the governor can't say stuff like that. Arnold went on to talk about what Robin is doing and making fun of the charity. Robin said that they're still tabulating all of the money that they've brought in because they still have some auctions going on.
Howard asked Arnold if he watched the coverage of the Pope's visit to the U.S. Arnold said that they were ripped off because the Pope was only in New York and not in California. He said that he has more important things to worry about than the Pope. He said he has to worry about the economy and about Tom Cruise, Asian drivers and things like that.
Howard asked Arnold if he's all for McCain. Arnold said that he is and he really looks up to him. He said that he wanted to be a republican ever since he got to the States. He said that there's no way in hell that they're going to allow Hillary into office. He said that they would let a mongoloid in before a woman. He said that Obama is also bothering him because his wife Maria is supporting him. He said that he reminds him of this Mandingo movie that was out years ago. He said he's afraid that Maria is going to run off with the guy.
Arnold talked about the Governor Spitzer thing and how he thinks that the only reason Spitzer brought his wife to his press conference was to point out to people the shit he had to put up with all these years.
Howard let Arnold go and gave him some plugs for his web site and stuff like that. You can find out more at FakeArnold.com
Howard said that the guys dug out the pictures of Bobo with his pony tail and hair ''system'' and it looks as fake as ever. Bobo didn't believe that but Howard insisted that it just doesn't look right. He said he looks like Daniel Boone with that thing on his head.
Jason put the pictures of Bobo up on Howard's web site so they could look at that while he was still on the line. Howard asked Bobo how much he spends on that stuff. Bobo said it's a couple grand a year. He said that he has to go in and get it checked out about once a month so they can color it and clean it up.
Howard showed the guys the picture of Bobo with his hair system on and said that he should really just go bald. Bobo said that he's 55 years old and trying to keep some youth. He asked Howard if he thinks that he looks his age. Howard said that he does. Bobo said that he's told that he looks like he's in his 40s. Howard laughed at that.
Bobo asked Howard if Mary McCormack was approached to do the love scene in Private Parts with her bra off. Howard said she was but she wanted to keep her shirt on.
Howard let Bobo go and brought up a story about Star Jones filing for divorce. He said that's not surprise. He predicted that before they even got married. He said he wonders if she now thinks that she should have listened to Howard Stern.
Howard said that the funny thing is that Star was footing the bill for that guy Al Reynolds and he wasn't working. He said there was no reason to work if he had her as a wife. Robin said that Star has asked for privacy in her life about that whole thing. Howard said that you can't have privacy if you announce everything in your life to the press.
Howard said that they list this Megan Fox as the hottest chick in their top 100 list and they're right. He said that she's very hot and engaged to that Brian Austin Green dude from ''Beverly Hills 90210.''
Howard said that they don't have any black chicks in the top 10 of this top 100 Sexiest Women list. He said that they don't have a black chick until number 14. They argued that Rihanna should have been up at number 7 instead of Hillary Duff.
Howard said that they did get some of the list right with the girls that were on the list. Howard said that they had the hot chick from the Terminator TV show at number 90. JR said that they put the voting in the reader's hands this year. Howard said that it says that it's the editor's choices and the reader's who were polled though.
Howard said that Ellen Page is in the list but she's not sexy at all. He said that she's cute but not sexy. JR said that she has that ''Lolita'' appeal to some people. Artie said he finds her attractive.
Howard said that Britney Spears doesn't belong on the list either. JR said that she can look hot at times. She can get hot but then she gets fat again.
Ralph called in and said that their list sucks and that might explain why they're online now. He said that the list should be about real hot chicks. He said that Megan Fox is right but other than that their list wasn't all that great. Howard read through the list and told Ralph who was in the top 10. Ralph didn't like Tricia Helfer that much and doesn't think she's that hot. The guys all had different opinions about who was hot or not.
Howard wrapped up with JR a short time later and let him go. Fred was still arguing about some of the women on the list though.
Howard said that there's a picture of Cynthia Nixon in the National Enquirer getting married to another woman and the other woman is dressed as a man. He said he doesn't understand why a woman would want to marry a woman who looks like a man if they want to be with a woman. Robin said that maybe she's not ''so gay.'' She said that maybe she's still kind of into men and wants a woman who looks like a man.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about some of the people on that FHM list. He wanted to know if anyone from Dancing with the Stars was on the list. There was at least one woman in there. The caller brought up the Cynthia Nixon thing and asked why a woman can come out as being gay and still work but a male actor might lose work over it. The guys spent a minute on that before Ralph called in again.
Ralph was saying that Robin's dress with the wings on it was kind of cool and he liked it. Robin said that she'll bring it in next week. Ralph told her that she needs to do something with her hair though. Artie said that he'd wear Robin's dress on Letterman next time he's on. He said that he'd feel kind of weird with something like that attached to his arms all the time. The guys spent a minute on the dress discussion before moving on.
A caller told Howard that this Cheryl Burke that he was talking about earlier isn't fat. Howard said that she is fat and he saw that on Dancing with the Stars. The guy argued about that but Howard hung up and said that she's not hot.
Howard said that he read that he liked toys too and he was wondering about that. They read that Spitzer didn't like to wear a condom either. He read through the article and about all of the strange stuff the guy was up to when he was with the whores. Howard said he liked the name of that club ''The Emperor's club'' that he was using.
Howard heard that Ronnie was out in the hall talking about how he likes dildo play. Ronnie said that Richard just made that up and he doesn't like that shit. Richard said that Ronnie has talked about it before and Ronnie always denies it. Ronnie said that's bullshit and he doesn't do that stuff. He said that he'd talk about it if it was true.
Richard said that Ronnie once said that he didn't mind that stuff and that he had done it. Will came in and said that he heard that conversation and he had talked about having something going on back there. Ronnie said that he may have had a finger back there but not a dildo. Richard said he heard him say that it was a vibrator back there. Ronnie said that he doesn't mind a finger back there, it's okay.
Howard asked Ronnie how many fingers and how far in the chick got. Ronnie said he didn't measure and he doesn't remember. Howard wondered how the finger goes in and if he needs lube. Ronnie said that he had to go to Rick's tonight and he's losing his voice today. He said he thinks he has allergies or something.
Will and Richard were going on and on about that stuff but Ronnie said he had to leave. He told Richard not to swear on anything because he'll die if he continues that. Gary came in and said that he had pulled something from the log where they discussed that and it says that Ronnie said that ''it may or may not'' have happened.
Jason came in and explained what he had written in the notes that day. He said that Ronnie said that he may have had a vibrator ''near'' his ass but not in it. The guys figured that maybe he was rubbing it near his asshole or something.
Sal came in and said he had to back Richard up with this. He said that he had asked Ronnie about the vibrator and Ronnie told him that he likes to have the vibrator rubbed on his taint near his prostate. Ronnie ended up kicking Sal out of the studio. Artie said that he guesses that the prostate is supposed to be erotic but that's pretty hard core stuff.
Gary told Howard that Richard told him that he hurt his back and he's unable to wipe his ass because of that. Howard told him to go talk to Dr. John Sarno about that.
Howard said that he liked Kenneth very much and he was surprised at the charges he had against him. He said that they were horrible allegations toward him and he wasn't sure how to react.
Stave said that it was confusing that he was still in jail after all of this and that he hadn't gotten out on bail or something. Steve said that he saw Ken walk into court and he looked like death then. He said that he thinks that they should have done something for him when he got so ill.
Howard asked how old Ken was. Artie thinks that he was about 39 or so. Steve said that Ken was transferred to a real hospital from the prison hospital and an infection from the pneumonia may have spread and that's what got him.
Howard said he was very confused because he had so much fun with him over the years. He said that he felt kind of betrayed by this recent arrest. Steve said that some of what they were saying in court wasn't quite what they had in the report about what had happened. He said that the girl claimed that Ken had tried to grab her but in the report they said that he had grabbed her.
Howard said that he was sad about the old Kenneth he knew but he was still confused by this. Steve said that he spoke to Ken's mother this morning and she had gotten the call that he had died at 7am this morning. He said that he's not sure if it was a real call or not but they'll have to wait to find out if he definitely died.
A caller told Howard that this is one less pervert on the street. He was kind of mumble mouthed and tried to ask Steve if he would let his kids near Ken. Howard said he wouldn't have let his kids near him before this arrest. Steve said that it was kind of sad that a young man like this passed away. That's why he was weeping.
A caller said that they do give care to people in jail and he's sure that Ken got the care he needed. He also said that he gets the vibrator thing done to him too and his girlfriend tries that with him. He said that it's kind of cool but it's a once a year thing for him.
Howard took some calls about Kenneth and some people were thinking that maybe he was innocent and being set up. Howard said that the Howard TV guys will be doing a tribute to Kenneth Keith tomorrow night. Robin said that you have to be careful doing a tribute to people like that. He said that the WWE did that with a wrestler who killed his family and they had to take it all back after doing the tribute.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that it seems that a lot of people on the show have passed away. Howard said that's because the show has been on for so long.
Howard said that they have to call Dan Foreman about this because he loved working with Ken on the WWOR TV show. Dominic said that the court case will be dismissed because of his death. Howard said it's very sad but he wasn't sure how to feel at first. He said that he's very sad for the guy that he knew in the past.
Sal the Stockbroker came in to say something about Ken but Howard ended up talking about his tan. Sal said that he had gone to Miami last month. Then he said that he goes to a tanning booth once in a while to maintain the tan. Howard wondered why he would do that. Sal said that he likes the tan because it makes his raccoon eyes stand out less. Howard didn't think that he looked good with the tan.
Sal said that Ken wrote a new song about Howard a few weeks ago before he got arrested and he was going to have him play that. Howard said that Ken used to call the show all the time and he didn't think that he was that funny anymore. Gary said that Scott DePace thought that Kenneth was so good that he was the whole show back in the 80s.
Howard played Ken's song ''Howard Sterns'' where he sings about the show. They shared some stories about him and then Captain Janks called in and said that he was floored by this. He wanted to know if it was for sure or not. He sounded very upset about the whole thing.
Janks said that he had talked to his mother about the arrest and wanted to go visit him but she told him it wasn't a good time for it. Janks sounded like he was really blown away by this and said that he used to hang out with Ken a lot. He hadn't heard from him since the arrest though. He said that he knew him really well and doesn't think that he'd ever do what this girl was accusing him of.
Sal said that Ken was great when he was on the channel 9 show and you always think of Ken when you talk about those shows.
Howard said that Kenneth was one of the guys who introduced him when he was running for governor of New York. He talked about those old days and asked if they had the audio clips for him to play.
Irish John called in and said that he thinks that the girl story was just another prank that Ken was pulling. He said that the guy seemed to behave himself for the most part.
Howard played the audio of Kenneth seconding the nomination of Howard Stern for Governor. In the clip ken starts doing a comedy act and that's where he utters the infamous ''I'm no wacko!'' line.
Howard said that the people at that event were very serious people in the Libertarian party and they were shocked by what was going on there that day.
A former Howard TV guy, Jason, called in and said that he thinks that Ken was just playing around with that girl that accused him of doing what he did. He said he had to deal with Ken and he thinks that there's no way he could have done what he was accused of doing.
Dominic Barbara called back in and said that they shouldn't make any comments about this little girl. Howard cut him off and said that they're not saying anything about this girl. He said that no one there knows if the charges are true or not and they know that little kids don't usually lie about this kind of thing. Howard said he didn't like Dominic saying what he was saying.
Dominic was annoying Howard so he ended up getting hung up on. Howard said that no one was talking about the girl in the way that Dominic was saying they were. He said that he's not sure what Dominic is up to. He said that they're just talking about what they used to do with Ken.
Howard took some more calls from some fans who wanted to talk about Ken. There were people talking about the funny stuff he did over the years. One guy brought up the porno movie that Ken made.
Melrose Larry Green called in and said that he knows that Ken loved being on the show and he loved Howard. Larry said that he was very close with Ken and he's so sorry that he passed away. Howard said he knows that Ken loved the show and he really liked him being on over the years.
High Pitch Eric called in and basically said the same thing that Melrose had just said. Another caller said that he heard Steve report that the girl was 16 years old. Steve said that they don't usually talk about stuff like that.
Howard was still thrown off by what Dominic Barbara was calling in about earlier. He said that he's still not sure what he was doing.
Another caller said that he's been listening to the show every since he saw Ken trying to blow smoke out of his eyes on the channel 9 show. He said that turned him onto the show and he's stuck with it ever since then.
Ralph called in and said that he liked that Melrose said that Ken was ''dying to get back on the show'' and that's exactly what happened. He laughed about that as Howard hung up on him.
Howard took some more calls and some people weren't sure if Ken was really dead. Steve said that he called Ken's mother and she didn't call him. He said that Kenneth's mother told him that she was told that ken had passed away and that's where he was getting his information. Steve said that he had gotten a message from a source who told him about Ken, that's what led to him calling Ken's mother to find out if it was true. He said it's not a fun conversation and not a great job.
A woman called in and said that Steve is a bitch for crying over this. Howard said that he was upset about it, there's nothing wrong with that.
Howard asked Eric if he had any demands. Eric said that he has no demands. Howard said that he's trilled with that news and he thinks that he will earn the name ''Eric the Actor'' in this movie.
Robin asked Eric if he had anything to say about Kenneth Keith. Eric didn't know him very well. Artie asked why it wasn't Eric instead of Kenneth Keith who died. Eric told him to shut up. Eric said that he's not a wack packer either. Howard said that he is but Eric insists that he's not. Howard let Eric go a short time later.
Howard said he had another exclusive and said that Shuli no longer says ''Shalom Beotch'' at the end of his reports. Steve said that he still uses it in some of the reports from what he's heard. He said that someone may have said something to him about it but he's not sure who that would have been.
Greg went off on that stuff for a short time and basically said that Wack Packers die and that's about all they do. Howard said that he gets why Greg would get upset about being bumped by someone like that. Greg said that Ken's death was basically cock blocking his plugs for the Funny Bone appearance he's making.
Greg talked about being bumped for some Britney Spears news on E! a couple of years ago. Howard ended up talking more about Kenneth Keith and how he was in the movie ''Jerry Maguire'' while Artie's part ended up getting cut.
Howard said that he read that Greg had just gotten off using drugs. Greg said that he started using drugs and drinking when he was a young kid. He didn't have anything until a year ago after quitting and then he started smoking weed. He said he's been depressed pretty much his whole life and when he turned 40 he started smoking weed.
Howard kept throwing in references to Kenneth Keith during those discussions to piss off Greg. Greg went on to tell the story about smoking the weed. Howard yawned in the middle of his story so he went off on him about that. Howard told him to just ignore his yawn and go on with his story.
Greg said that he had a prescription for Vikodin and his body loved that. He said that he got into that for a while and he remembered how great it felt to be high. Then he said he got a license to buy marijuana and started smoking that stuff. He said that they gave him an address to go to so he could get one of these licence's to smoke and he was back there in 30 minutes buying some weed. He said it was very easy to get the license.
Greg told Howard about how they sell different types of weed in these shops and it's basically legalized out there. He said that he's all for the legalization of the drug but it just wasn't right for him. He said he started going into withdrawals and stuff like that. He stopped using it and he's been sober for about 2 months now.
Fred started the sad music for Greg as he was telling his story. Greg said that he was acting like a little kid with the smoking weed on the side of the road and stuff. He said that he was actually getting to the point where he was stealing meds from people's medicine cabinets.
Greg said that he thinks that his anger was coming from the stress of not using the drugs and that's probably where his Dave Navarro challenge came from. He said that he was getting out of his car in some road rage incidents and he was not afraid of anyone.
Howard read that Greg had been hired to do the red carpet at the Iron Man premiere. Greg said that was true but he hasn't seen the movie yet. Howard asked how he got the job so Greg went through that and said that his son is really looking forward to the whole thing.
Howard and Greg talked, and argued, about politics for a short time. Howard said he wanted to get back to the Kenneth Keith discussion in the middle of that. He said they had to move on after that so he gave Greg some plugs for some upcoming appearances and his web site GregFitzsimmons.com and then went to break.
Howard got to Mike and gave him a plug for his book ''Get Real!: The Untold Story: Sexy, Scary, Scandalous World of Reality TV!.'' He had him get right into his game so here's how it goes. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Steve got in a few plugs for some shows they had coming up this weekend and then Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview.
Jon ran through the stuff they were going to try and cover today on the Wrap Up Show. He ran through a bunch of stuff and then Howard had Mutt on the line to talk about what they had coming up on Superfan roundtable tonight. He said they have Tabitha Stevens and Ham Hands Bill coming in as well. They'll be talking about Kenneth Keith's death, Ralph's many calls and a bunch of other stuff.
Howard read an article about how masturbation can help prevent prostate cancer. Robin thought that was wrong and that having sex was better for that. That led to Greg telling a gross story about how he had semen come out of his penis when he pushed on his taint when he felt he had to go to the bathroom after peeing in the shower. Howard said he was going to vomit from what story.
Howard said that he doesn't want anyone to vote for him for the Radio Hall of Fame. He said he's up against people like Dr. Laura and Tom Joyner and he finds the whole thing insulting. He said that they've been asking him for tapes and head shots and he wants nothing to do with that.
Howard said that he is radio and putting him up against Bob Coasts, Tom Joyner and Dr. Laura is an insult. He said that he's done stuff in radio that no one else has been able to do. He said that the hall of fame should be called The Howard Stern Hall of Fame and not the Radio Hall of Fame. He said that he will not accept the award if he does end up winning it either.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a bear that attacked it's trainer. She had a 911 call audio clip that she had Howard play. The guys spent a little time talking about that. The 911 operator was asking far too many questions in Howard's opinion. They ended up goofing on the operator and how they wouldn't want anyone asking questions like that if they were in that kind of distress.
Robin read the news about Star Jones getting a divorce from Al Reynolds. The guys talked about that a little bit. Robin also had a story about both Scores strip clubs in New York City being closed down after losing their liquor licenses.
Robin read a story about the prices of corn and rice going up and a few other things. Howard had to go to break around 10:00am.
After the break Howard mentioned that Greg has some big guests coming up on his Howard 101 show. Greg said that he has Bob Saget and another unconfirmed guest coming up soon. He said that a lot of people want to do the show out in L.A. and he has luck getting them to come on.
Robin got back into her news and read a story about Peter Falk running around with his belly hanging out of his shirt and not looking too good. Robin read through some news about Hillary and Barack. The guys talked about them a little bit.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said she's glad that Artie is back on the show. She didn't have much more to add so Howard let her go a short time later. Fred played Riley's bird cawing instead of the usual crow cawing sound that he plays for her.
Robin had Howard play some audio clips of a Anti- Barack commercial that the republican's were running. That led to Howard goofing on that and making up even more stuff that they could use against Barack.
Robin had some news about Richard Gere going over to china to speak out about Tibet. She played some audio from that event. Robin read a story about Paul McCartney opening up an art show with his dead wife's work. She had Howard play some audio of Paul talking about the photographs she used to take. The guys ended up goofing on the little sound that Paul was making for the sound of the picture taking.
Robin read a story about the fact that smoking is going to be banned down in Atlantic City. She wrapped up after that and Howard ended the show around 10:30am.
Mike said that he thinks that they do a ''good enough'' job for those commercials and they have to do those commercials every single day. They can't have Jeff the Drunk coming in to read them every day. Mike said that they do them every day at about 4 o'clock in the afternoon and they cut them at the In Demand offices.
Gary said that they could hand over the scripts to a professional there and have them recorded there instead of at the In Demand offices. Mike said that won't happen and they're not going to pay anyone to do them so they have to stick to the way they do them.
Jon played a clip of Howard talking to Mike about the commercials and goofing on the way he introduces himself in them. Jon said that no one liked them but they're saying they're going to stay the course and keep doing them. Gary said that they were laughing when they'd hear them played during the Wrap Up Show.
Mike said that today they might not do a commercial but tomorrow they might have to do another one. Gary suggested that they could probably get someone to read that stuff for a couple hundred bucks a month. Mike said that they'll look into it and see but he doesn't think that they could get anyone cheap. Gary said he knows the name of a guy who might be willing to do it.
Doug Goodstein called in and said he found it funny when Howard was going off on them. Doug said that his reads are no worse than Gary's live commercials. He said those commercials fell into his lap as part of his job. He said he actually hasn't done them in about 3 months now. Doug said that it was an internal decision to do them and not their decision. He said he knows they're hokey but they were told to do them and that's what they did.
Doug said that he's not going to do them anymore and they're will be changes. He said that they might make changes to the way they do them. They might have Isaac Mark and Richie Wilson do the reads instead from now on. Doug said that they don't have a lot of time to make those commercials and they don't have an announcer on call to create them.
Doug said that they could have Gary do them but he's probably not around when they'd need him. Mike said that they have to do them downtown though because that's where they produce them. Mike said they can't just say they'll make them there.
Gary had JD do an announce for the commercial and said that he loved it when he heard JD introducing himself. Jon asked JD to say ''Tonight on Howard TV, the Iron Sheik!'' JD did that and Jon thought that he was good at that. Mike said that not that many people would know who JD was.
Greg Fitzsimmons said that he asked JD to go out into the crowd at a comedy show and he told him he couldn't go out because he'd be swarmed by the fans as if he was really popular.
Doug said that they're willing to try things with Gary and other people on the show. He said that Howard was wrong when he said that he and Mike put themselves in the commercials. He said that they were asked to do it.
Gary asked Doug why he and Gange are in the Howard TV standee. Doug said that he had nothing to do with that. He said that they gave them a ton of pictures and they just happened to end up in there.
Richard Christy was complaining about not being in the opening of the Howard TV shows earlier this morning. Doug said that the company that made that opening asked for pictures of everyone in the Stern World so they just sent in tons of pictures. They had nothing to do with who was in the opening.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she was mad at Howard about talking shit to JD about his blog. She said that it seems like everything anyone else does is stupid and his chess playing is great. Gary said that Howard does make fun of people for stuff like that because anything anyone does on the show is a reflection of him. He's trying to protect the show when he does stuff like that.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he gets why Howard is angry about these guys doing the commercials because they're not really on the show regularly. He said that they should have someone like Scott the Engineer do them. Mike said that it's all about availability. Gary said that it actually comes down to them being too cheap to pay for an announcer.
Gary and Jon also talked about how the Howard TV guys always end up going to these strip club shoots instead of having someone else cover them. Doug and Mike said that they're going to be looking for a new Miss Howard TV while they're out so they have a job to do. They're going to be at the opening of Rick's Cabaret in Philly tonight. Mike said that they are going to be doing work tonight.
Doug said that he hasn't been out with people from the show for a long time now and this is a great way to get out and do something with them.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Mike has a really pleasant voice on the air and it's nice to hear from him in the commercials. The guy said that he knows how hard it can be to dig someone up to do a commercial like that at the last minute. He used to produce stuff and knows what that's like. Gary said it's all about not having money to pay for an announcer.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she doesn't understand why it's such a big deal that Mike introduces himself in the commercials. She thought it was kind of cool. That call led to the guys asking Mike about the interviews he used to do in the halls at K-Rock. Mike talked about some of the people who were a pain in the ass back in the days when he was doing the hand held camera stuff. Milton Bearle was mentioned so the guys talked about how much of a pain in the ass he was.
Gary said that he and Jon weren't sure where that Ronnie thing ended up. Ronnie came in and said that he didn't want Greg coming in and complaining about not getting on the air like he did this morning. He said he doesn't want Nick DiPaolo calling in and complaining that he's stealing his material.
Shuli asked Ronnie if he's ever tried anal beads. Ronnie joked that they hurt but then he said that he had never tried them. Shuli said that he's never had a vibrator down there. Ronnie said he didn't know about that.
Gary asked JD where he stands on the vibrator in the ass thing. JD didn't know about that. Ronnie said that JD was asking him to check into finding strippers who were into nerds at Ricks. JD said he was just kidding about that.
Richard said that he remembers that conversation he had with him that time. He said that Ronnie said that maybe he had something done to him back there and now they get the facts straight that it was his taint that was vibrated. Ronnie said he never said that. Richard said that's what he told Sal.
Sal told the story that he heard from Ronnie and how great it feels to him when he gets his prostate worked. Ronnie was saying that Sal was lying about this stuff and swearing on the life of his kids that it was true. They went back and forth for a short time but Ronnie didn't seem to want to talk about the subject.
Will came in and said that Ronnie was talking about all kinds of toys being used back there. Ronnie said he's full of shit. The guys were all ganging up on Ronnie and goofing on him about the vibrator thing. Greg said that he knew that Ronnie was lying about this when he was in the studio because of the answers he was giving during the show earlier.
Jon went to the phones again and one guy asked about Greg's bad hat that he wears. They ended up goofing on his hat for a short time. Greg and Ronnie were still arguing about the vibrator thing. Greg threw out a bunch of jokes about Ronnie and the vibrator thing.
A caller said that there's nothing wrong with doing some stuff with the ass once in a while. the caller said he's done stuff like that himself. He said that he let his wife do stuff to his ass and it's no big deal. Jon said that Ronnie isn't saying if it's right or wrong but he's just saying that he's never done it.
Ronnie eventually admitted that he had a vibrator on his taint but he never did have it in his ass. That led to Richard asking for more details. Ronnie wasn't talking. He wanted to plug the Rick's Cabaret thing that he's going to be at tonight and tomorrow night. Greg suggested that Ronnie sell dildos with his name on it. Ronnie thought that was a good idea.
A caller asked what kind of vibrator it was he had on his taint. Ronnie said it didn't matter. Ronnie just kept plugging the Rick's Cabaret thing in Philly. Jon had to go to break after that.
Greg asked Gary why he stopped it if he liked it. Gary said that it could be the people he was with. He said that it happened a long time ago.
Jon asked JD about his blogging and how pissed off he got at Lisa G. JD said that it's not newsworthy and he doesn't know why she was wasting her time with that. Gary asked JD about the kind of stuff he blogs over there. He wasn't into talking about it though.
Richard talked about how he blogs about his love of Halloween and stuff like that. Gary said that he doesn't get the whole blog thing and thinks that it's a bit narcissistic to do stuff like that.
JD said that he barely writes anything on his blog so he doesn't know why anyone is making a big deal about it. Jon played a clip from the show earlier when Howard was talking to JD about the whole blog thing.
The guys talked to JD about the stuff that Howard was saying to him and JD said that he already knows that he's fat and some of the other stuff he was talking to him about. Gary said that Howard thinks that everyone is fat.
Greg said that JD looks like he's in that moment after a guy jerks off and feels disgusted by himself. He's got bad posture because of the way he feels about himself.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that what JD does is fine and he's not sure why they're goofing on him about this stuff. The guy said he likes to read about anything about the Stern Show and a JD blog is something that he'd like to read. He said that he might not visit it every day but he'd check in once in a while.
Gary said that he talks to his friends on the phone instead of blogging. He said that if his friend wants to hear about what he's up to, he calls him on the phone. JD said that he doesn't talk to anyone on the phone.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he had a question for Greg. He asked Greg if he was the one who sent in his resume for Artie's job. Greg said that it wasn't him, he just sent in an audition tape. He said that it was vulture week on the show with Colin Quinn, Nick DiPaolo and him on the show. Greg said that he likes the way things are right now and he's not looking to take Artie's job.
Gary asked Greg if the thought ever crossed his mind to replace Artie. He said that he'd be considered one of the front runners of course. Greg said that he's at a point where he's dead inside and he's not going to push for a job like that because he just doesn't care. He said that he never even thought about it that much.
The guys were asking Greg some questions about working for Ellen Degeneres and stuff like that. Greg worked for her show for a while. He talked about how they'd write the monologue and stuff like that for her.
Sal asked Greg if he took it personally when Howard would goof on Ellen and her show. Greg thought that Howard didn't like her style, it wasn't the material. He didn't take offense to that. He said that he thinks Howard likes people to be real and Ellen may not come off as being herself on that show of her's.
Gary asked JD about the interviews that he did. He wondered if he was nervous doing them. JD said that he was. He said that no one really recognized him there, even Sarah Silverman who had just seen him a couple of weeks before.
Gary said that he'd like to get JD back out on the Red Carpet again sometime. He said that he thought that one night would be a good start for JD and he'd like to send him out to some one on one book signings and stuff. JD said that he's not sure he could do those type of interviews like Stuttering John used to do.
Gary said that his favorite moment was when they put Ken on the channel 9 show and he cut his hair and shoved it into his own mouth. He said they had him at a bowling show one time and he was doing all kinds of wild stuff. He said that Dan Foreman had to drag him out of the bowling alley when he blew a firecracker off in his pants.
Shuli said it was kind of strange that Ken got so sick at the same time he was in jail. Gary said that he spoke to Ken's lawyer and he heard that he had some medical issues that he had to have taken care of.
Steve Langford came in around that time and said that they have the same information as before. He said that it's one of those things that a reporter tries not to do, showing his emotions. He said that he was upset after thinking about how bad Ken looked in the court room. He said that it hit him like a ton of bricks when he got that call this morning. He said that it really got him choked up because he seemed like a goofy, fun loving guy who loved the Stern Show. He said that he was in jail and looking like death by the time he saw him in court.
Gary said that ken had some DUIs against him but he wasn't sure what else was going on with him, other than the case he was involved with the alleged kidnapping charges.
Sal was goofing on Steve for breaking down and crying in the studio. Sal said that he loved the stuff that Ken did on the show back in the day when he was on the Channel 9 show. He said that everything he did was funny back then.
The guys ended up goofing on Sal about his tanning and how strange that is. Sal told the guys how he started tanning when he was about 17 and he's kept it up since then. He said that back then he was working at a Houlihan's and his boss told him he didn't have to dress up for Halloween, he could go as a vampire without changing a thing. Sal said that made him want to hide those dark circles under his eyes so he started tanning. He said that he's learned to deal with that and he's not that sensitive about it anymore. The guys said that he really is sensitive to it though because he still gets upset if someone goofs on his dark circles.
Greg asked Sal if he gets totally naked when he tans. Sal said that he leaves his socks on. The guys found that kind of odd. Richard said that Sal used to jerk off in tanning booths too. Sal said he'd get bored in the 30 minute booths and he'd jerk off. Sal said that he can't lay down for that long so he figured he could jerk off and fall asleep. He said that he'd get a bunch of brown tissues from the bathroom and shove them in his pants so he could whack one out into them. Then he'd shove the tissues under the tanning bed. He said he only did it about 5 times. Gary said that you just double every lie Sal tells.
Sal said that he does 8 minute tans now and it's only 22 bucks. He said that he tried to use a tanning lamp that he bought one time but he ended up looking like Richard Christy after he did that. Steve Langford said that he tried a tanning bed about 25 years ago but hasn't done it since. Gary said he's never had to do that because he's been dark his whole life.
Jon had the guys wrap up and get in their plugs a little early since they had so many people in there. They all got in their plugs and then ended the show.
Howard started the show asking Robin how her ankle was. She said it was feeling better. Howard went on to talk about how angry he was about a bunch of things. He said he had been up since 2 in the morning and he was all weirded out by some stuff that was going on.
Howard did a commercial (for a sponsor was edited out with the most annoying fart sounds) for a luggage company and talked about how he used to shove stuff into his bag. That led to him talking about flying on MGM and how great it was. He said he didn't want to go home after flying with them. He said he had flown out with them thanks to the Hollywood Squares people.
Howard was hearing some noise in the studio so he messed around with the microphones for a few minutes trying to figure out what was causing it. It turned out to be his microphone.
Howard said that Jessica Hahn was going to be coming in today. He said they have to keep her off of TV because she's doing interviews with people like Larry King and she's just not good when she does the interviews. He said that she told Larry that she loved him and he thought that she loved him. Howard said that she's not mentioning his name enough out there anymore.
Howard and Robin talked about Jessica's make over and how odd her upper lip looks compared to her lower lip. He said that she might need some ''Lip-o-suction'' to make it smaller.
Howard said that today's show was going to be great so that mean that tomorrow's might suck. Then he remembered that Sam Kinison was going to be coming in. He and Gary talked about that for a short time.
He said he heard that Oprah Winfrey is making like 500 million now. He said he thinks that his show isn't destined to stay on radio and they will eventually get outlawed by the government and no one seems to care about the first amendment. He said that he seems to be the only one without first amendment rights.
Howard said that this senator Jesse Helms is against him and he has an article about it that he was going to read. He and Robin talked about some of the people who are part of this whole FCC thing and trying to get his show off the air.
Howard said that there were a bunch of homosexuals who got on the air and did this play called ''The Jerker'' which was about guys slamming each other. This show aired at about 10 o'clock at night. He said that the language included the f-word and everything like that. He said that they were very graphic in their descriptions too. Because they played it at night, the FCC doesn't do anything about it. Howard said that show was compared to his show by this Senator Jesse Helms.
Howard read an article about that other show that was so graphic and how there's no way he could play it on this show. Howard was complaining about this rule about airing stuff at night that they can't air in the morning. He argued that kids aren't listening to his show in the morning because they're off to school. He said that the time when they're listening is at night as they're going to bed.
Howard said that sex is not dirty and he doesn't get why it's such a big deal to talk about it. He said he feels like he's being set up and no one out there is coming out to try and help him. He said that he's doomed. He went on and on about how he was getting screwed over. He said he doesn't know why they're going after him and no one else. He said that he knows that in about 3 years he'll be off the air. He said if he's not, they'll come out with something else to go after him about.
Howard told Gary he was a dope after he complained about all of that. He said there's no use in protesting or anything either because that doesn't do any good.
Howard said that he's figured out that there is a first amendment, it just doesn't apply to him between 6-10 in the morning.
Howard continued to go off on Senator Jesse Helms and the other people who were upsetting him with these dumb rules about indecency. He doesn't understand why they're involved in this broadcasting stuff. He said that this is the weirdest situation to be in and this is holding back his career. He said that it's already caused problems with his FOX TV show.
Howard said that his anal fissure was starting to kick in and this stuff wasn't helping. He spent a minute talking about that and what he has to do about it. Howard talked about these problems for a few minutes and then went to break.
Howard finished a live commercial he was doing and continued to complain about the indecent speech thing. He said that he feels like he's being crucified by these people.
Howard did another commercial that had the sponsor farted out for this replay. He came back and played the Karen Carpenter Story bit that they had created. He said he had a bunch of other things he wanted to do after that. Gary came in and told Howard that Jessica was running late so they had about a half hour before she came in.
After playing the Karen Carpenter Story bit Howard took some phone calls and let some people tell him how great the bit was. Howard said that they put in a very minimal amount of effort into that stuff and they don't need a big budget for something like that.
Howard eventually got back into this discussion about the indecency thing again. He said he didn't mean to put a damper on everything but the caller mentioned it. Howard took another call from a guy who told him the Karen Carpenter bit was ''pretty good.''
Howard said he wanted to talk about the Hollywood Squares thing but also wanted Robin to do her news. He said that he wanted to give all of the details about what goes on behind the scenes there. He said that they give everyone the answers before hand and they write those jokes for everyone there. He said that there's no fooling anyone there. Howard said that he had the cards that they gave him there at the show.
Howard said he had the worst time doing the Hollywood Squares thing. He said that no one did anything when his name was mentioned. He said that some of the other people on the show were getting bigger applause than him and they didn't deserve it. He said it was an embarrassment to him. He was complaining about his anal fissure and how much that was hurting him today. He said it must have to do with his mental state. He had to go to another break a short time later.
Howard talked to Jessica about the Larry King appearance she made and how she was telling him that she loved him. Jessica said she has spoken to Larry before and she does like the guy. Howard said that he didn't get to meet up with Jessica out in California but that would have been nice. Jessica said that she had left the day he got there so that's why that didn't work out.
Howard said he wanted to see Jessica naked in his back room all alone. He said he feels like he's owed something from her. Howard said that he's not sure if he can trust Jessica now that she's come out and said that she loves Larry King. She said that's just something she says to people all the time.
Howard said that she also tells Sam Kinison that he looks good. Jessica said that she loves Sam and all they do is talk about Howard. Howard said that he set her up with Sam. He said he saw Larry asking her about Sam and she got all twinkly in the eye.
Howard talked to Jessica about how good she's looking after changing her looks and losing some weight. Jessica told Howard she knows where Sam is too because she heard that Howard was looking for him. She said he was back home in California.
Gilbert Gottfried stopped in for an unscheduled visit. Gilbert said he didn't have anything else to do so he juts stopped by. He said he didn't even have anything to plug. Howard said he was never going to get to his Hollywood Squares story with these two in there.
Jessica didn't know Gilbert very well so Howard said that Gilbert is in an Eddie Murphy movie and he was also on Saturday Night Live.
Jessica gave everyone a copy of her Playboy issue so they all checked them out and talked about their favorite pictures.
Howard talked to Jessica about Sam and figured that she had been with him sexually. Jessica said that Sam has a girlfriend. She didn't say she hadn't been with him, she just said that he's got a girlfriend.
Howard did a commercial during the interview. After that Jessica told a story about going for a limo ride with Sam Kinison. She talked about how great the guy is. Howard said that he should be sampling Jessica's body, not all of these other people. He said he doesn't like all of these comedians coming on to her.
Howard said that Jessica looks really good in the Playboy layout. He said he had to take a break but ended up talking to her a little longer. He told her that he wants her tied up in her next set of pictures.
After an edited out break Howard came back and talked to Jessica about moving out to California. She has a condo out there. Howard said that she'd still be in a trailer if it wasn't for him.
Howard talked to Gilbert about dating. Gilbert said that he would be dating but this whole AIDS thing is scaring him.
Jessica was telling Howard about the Hollywood Squares thing he did. Jessica said that she could have postponed her trip to New York if she knew that Howard was going to be out in L.A. She said that he should have called before he came out.
Howard talked more about the Hollywood Squares thing. He said that Zsa Zsa Gabor told him he was disgusting after they did their 5 tapings. He said that she looks really bad in person but looks good when she's on camera. Gilbert said she doesn't look all that great. Howard said that she looked pretty good. They spent a little more time on that and then went to commercial break.
Howard read through a story about Oprah Winfrey's $500 million deal. He read the details of all of that and said that he doesn't get why this is all going on around Oprah. Robin read through some stuff she had about the story as well.
Robin had a story about Sally Jesse Raphael having a 5 year deal as well. Howard said he thought that he was doing pretty good for himself but now he realizes that he's at the bottom of the entertainment field.
Howard had to do another live commercial during the segment. He ended up talking about Jessica and Sam taking a private jet somewhere together. Jessica talked about that and how she and Sam had shared the jet. She said that he slept most of the way home though.
Howard was having some trouble with the live commercial he was doing so he let Jessica read through it instead. She gave it a try and told Howard more about that trip she took with Sam.
Robin read through some news stories. She had some stories that led to some other discussions. Robin had some news about Liberace so that led to Jessica talking about hanging out with him a couple of times. Howard said he doesn't understand how she ended up with the guy. She said that he asked her to stop over one time and she knew him through the guy she used to work for.
Howard went through another commercial break and read another live commercial with Jessica. He said that he heard that Jessica was going to do this show with Richard Bay. He said that he can't go because he's supposed to be over there doing the show later in the week.
Jessica said that she was talking to Jack Cafferty during an interview and the guy scratched his nose like he was trying to tell her she had something on her nose. She got really distracted by that and it threw her off for the whole interview. She said that she liked him as an interviewer. Howard said she's got to stop saying that she loves all of these people. Jessica said that she just said she liked him, not that she loves him.
Howard went through some more live commercials and then said that he was going to hold off on the Hollywood Squares stories until tomorrow. Then he talked about the show and how he didn't get picked by anyone there. He said that he wished that Jessica had crawled into his box out there. He said there was plenty of room in there. He said they could have made out during the whole thing.
Howard talked about some of the people who were on Hollywood Squares with him. He had no idea who Edie Mclurg was so Robin had to remind him.
Howard said he took a couple of calls for Jessica but they didn't go anywhere so he hung up and wrapped up with Jessica. They went to break after that.
Jessica finally left so Howard got back to Robin's news and talked about some of the stuff that was in the news. Robin read through the rest of her news while Howard and Gilbert goofed around with some of the stuff she was talking about.
Howard spent some time with Gilbert and said he was going to play the Karen Carpenter Story that he had played earlier. He spent a few minutes talking to Gilbert about opening up for Belinda Carlisle and not having a good time with that.
Howard spent a little more time talking about his Hollywood Squares experience. He talked about what a pain in the ass it was over there and how he really didn't have a good time. He told the guys about all of the people who were there on the show with him. He talked about Michael Winslow and how he spits when he makes those sound effects he does. He said that he was talking to him during the show too while they were shooting the show. Howard goofed on some, if not all, of the people who were on the show with him.
Howard had a woman come in to meet him toward the end of the show. He spent a few minutes with her and asked her a bunch of questions about her breasts and her weight loss. She was in for a sponsor that Howard was doing a commercial for.
Howard had Arte Johnson on the phone a short time later. He stayed in his character and spoke to Arte about some stuff. He talked to Arty about the Oprah Winfrey story and asked him for his opinion on that. Arte and Howard spent a few minutes talking about Oprah and stuff like that. They were also talking about the Writer's Guild possibly breaking up and things like that.
Howard did the whole interview as Out of the Closet Stern. He had a lot of questions for Arte about the people he used to work with on Laugh In. They were goofing around with him and Arte said that he didn't believe that this was a morning show, it had to be a night time show. Howard wrapped up with Arte and then wrapped up the show a short time later, around 10:05am (Master Tape Theatre time).