Howard started off the show talking about how wide awake he was this morning after getting some good sleep last night. He said that sometimes that can make him tired during the day but today he was wide awake. He said that he had some good sex last night too so that helped.
Howard went to the phones a short time later and took a call from Wolfie. Wolfie asked if Artie's mom still buys him an Easter basket every year. Artie laughed and said no to that. He said he might get some food coming his way but that's about it. Howard said it would be cool if he did get an Easter basket every year with the grass in it and all of that.
Wolfie also asked what size pants Artie is wearing now. Artie said that's interesting because he doesn't wear pants like a normal human being. He said he wears them down low so they're not as big as you'd think. He said that his waist was at about a 54 when his tailor came in to make him a suit though. He said that was really depressing when he heard that.
Howard talked about how he used to go to a big and tall man's store in the past and he hated going to those places. He asked Artie about the waist size and if that was for real. Artie said that's what the guy measured. He said he doesn't do that when he buys pants though, he just wears them below his waist.
Howard talked about the big and tall men stores and what it was like going to those places. He said that people tell him that he's like a chick now when he's 6'5'' tall and only 195 pounds. He said that he never wants to go back to the big and tall man's store so that's why he stays that weight. He said he likes to be able to wear a normal shirt.
Wolfie said that John Candy was rumored to have a 59 inch waist and he was up around 375 pounds when he died. Artie said that he remembers seeing an interview with him about a week before he died and he just looked uncomfortable with life at that point. Howard said that the names of the big and tall men's shops are going to change to Big and Tall and Not Getting Laid shop.
Wolf asked Artie if he could get his waist measured there. A minute later Sal came in and said that he had one there. He said that they measured Beetlejuice's penis with that one time. He went over to check Artie's waist size with the tape measure.
Howard was having problems with the microphone that Artie was at. He said he was glad to see that they tested it. Sal told Artie to hold the tape on his belly button and Sal swung around saying it was going to take about 10 minutes to get back around. He measured 55 inches.
Howard asked Artie if he got laid this weekend. Artie kind of said yes but it sounded like he was trying to keep that a secret. They talked about his 1 inch gain in waist size and how he remembered it being 54 when he was measured for his suit by that guy Anthony. He said that he has 3 different suits now so he has one for three different weights.
A phone caller told Howard that his show is so great. He said that he likes that they're off on Friday because he's able to get some work done. Howard told him that's why they take Friday's off. Another caller brought up Artie getting into that reclining chair last week and how funny that show was. He pointed out that Artie had some zits on the end of his nose too. Howard checked out some video of that and he did have some very small marks on there.
The caller asked Artie if he's broken anymore toilets. Artie said he didn't think so. He said that he went to a really nice hotel down in Miami. The Mandarin Hotel in Miami is the one he stayed at. He said he forgot his toothbrush and they got him one in like 3 minutes. He said that he tipped the guy 10 bucks for that. He said that there are a few other ones down there that are nice. He said that the Mandarin is right on the bay and every room has an enormous terrace and you can go out and just hang out like an outdoor living room.
Another caller asked Artie how his jog on the beach was. Artie said that he went down on Friday night and did a quick jog on the beach. He found out that he knew a bunch of guys from L.A. who were out there shooting the new Jennifer Aniston movie and he went to a strip club with some of the crew. He said that the girls were really hot down there at that club. Howard asked if he went out with anyone from the club. Artie said he couldn't say, he had issues to deal with.
Howard asked Artie about the comedy show that he was doing down there. He said that it was a great crowd down there.
Howard said that Kenneth was on the Tonight Show doing his smoke blowing out of the eyes thing for him. Artie said he didn't know that. Howard talked about that for a second and then played the audio where the news anchor talking about Ken's arrest. She called him an actor and a comedian. Howard thought that was a big surprise. In the report they talked about Kenneth trying to pull this girl into his car and being arrested for that.
Howard's name was mentioned third in that report about where Ken has appeared so Howard said that he was glad that he did the Tonight Show so his name wasn't first.
Howard had an article about Kenneth's arrest. They called Ken the ultimate airhead and claimed that Howard was the one who gave him the name. He said he didn't remember doing that. He read more of the article where they talk about what happened to this girl. He allegedly approached her and started honking his horn to get her attention. He began yelling at her to come over to his car but she kept walking. He persisted and stopped his car at a light. He told her to get in and that her mother told him to pick her up.
Howard said that he was amazed that Ken even has a car. He also said that Ken was yelling out his name telling her that he was there to pick her up. Howard said that this is the kind of guy that his mother used to warn him about. Howard read that Kenneth got out of his car and started to pull the girl toward his car. She got away and ran away. She called the police and they knew who he was based on her description and the fact that he had yelled out his name.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that if this is correct he could get 20 years in jail. Dominic said that he was also calling in about something else. He said that the Governor Spitzer thing was a tip off and Howard disagreed with him on that. Turns out Dominic was right. Howard said that he and Robin were right and he was wrong. That led to the guys talking about that story and what they read in some articles about it.
The guys mentioned that they read that Spitzer used to keep his black socks on when he'd have sex. Howard said that he read that shows a lack of intimacy and that's why guys keep their socks on. Artie said that he keeps his socks on and one of his hooker's once commented on that.
Melrose Larry Green called in and said that there's no way Kenneth Keith could have done this. He said that he's certain that Ken knew the girls mother. The guys thought he was joking about that. He wasn't though, he was serious. He was also upset that Dominic was joking that he could get 20 years in jail. Howard said that he wasn't joking about that either. Melrose was very upset about all of this. Howard said that if this is Ken's character witness, he's fucked. Melrose said that he's been friends with Ken for a long time and they talk on the phone often and he's never said anything about this type of thing before.
Howard said that when he came back from the gym on Saturday Beth told him about the good news. He said that she was praying at the time she got the call about the dog being brought back. He showed the guys some pictures of the happy reunion. Artie said that this didn't effect his weekend at all.
Artie asked Howard if this gives him any new thoughts on religion now that the dog is back. Howard said that he thought that St. Anthony had a racket going on where he was stealing stuff and returning it when people prayed. He said now he kind of believes that the praying works. He said that this St. Anthony is a great guy and he might have to become Catholic now.
Howard said that Beth used to go to church every weekend before she met him. He said she stopped doing that and now only goes once in a while. He said that she used to go out and help a blind woman and do really nice things for people. He said that she went to church for Easter and said that she had to go because of the St. Anthony thing. He asked her if she had to go because she felt guilty like St. Anthony was going to abandon her or something. She said she was just going and asked him not to ask her about it.
Howard and Robin asked Artie about going to church but of course he didn't go on Sunday. Howard said Beth went and told him about some of the stuff going on there. They had an old woman there singing and she blamed her horrible singing on the organ player screwing up. Beth told him some funny stories about that. Howard said that they ended it with this song and played an old Hank the Dwarf performance.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard about the praying for the dog thing. He said that he can't believe that they're doing that for a dog. Howard said that he wasn't the one doing it, it was Beth and it was the right thing to do. He said that they have to be kidding with that. Howard said that Beth is such a nice person that she'd help anyone.
The guy suggested that they focus on people instead of a dog. Howard said they do focus on people and the dog was owned by people. Howard said that at least he does stuff like that while this guy on the phone isn't helping anyone. The guy said he was sick this weekend, he couldn't help anyone.
Howard read some mail about his Arlen Specter interview. People seemed to be impressed with that. He had a few who said that they don't like the guy but kind of liked him after the interview. He read through a bunch of e-mails about that interview and most of them were positive.
Artie asked Howard how he feels about the merger after that interview with Specter. Howard said he's not sure but it's looking embarrassing for the FCC and the Department of Justice who can't make a decision on this. Robin said that they're the only ones watching though.
Howard read some mail about Ralph. People are still complaining about how often he calls in. Howard said he really doesn't think Ralph is that bad on the show.
Howard said he got a lot of anti-dog e-mail after that whole thing happened last week. He said that one guy told him to take that dog and shove it up his ass if they did find it.
Howard read one about how his therapy isn't working and he should up it to 5 days a week. He wasn't sure what the guy was referring to though.
Robin asked if Howard had gone out to dinner at a restaurant that started with an S. It turns out he had gone to this place Scalinatela and this friend of Robin's had seen him there. Howard said that he saw that woman and she was a really hot looking brunette. Robin said that's her nutritionist. She said that she really is a beautiful woman. Howard said he watched everything she ate and kept an eye on her the whole time.
Howard said that he and Beth were talking about how beautiful she was. He said that he asked Beth if she was mismatched with her and she said they weren't a mismatch because the guy was good looking too. Howard said that every guy hates to see a guy with a woman that hot so they don't think that they're all that good looking.
Howard said that the woman and her husband had ordered ice cream for desert but she didn't eat any of it. She was definitely a vegan. Robin said that she cracked her up because she was the one telling her that she was watching Howard at he restaurant. Meanwhile Howard was watching her.
Howard said that he was all skeeved out by the woman's phone because he didn't know the woman. He said he got annoyed that he even took the call from him. He said that he was pissed at himself for not thinking clearly during that moment. He said he didn't know if the woman worked there or something so he was trying to be nice.
Howard said that he didn't want to hear from Nick but Nick didn't have anything to say anyway. He said that this is the guy who says ''Droppin Loads'' in his porn movies. He said he wasn't inviting him to an orgy or anything.
Robin said that Nick has written a book and he wants him to write the forward to the book. She already spoke to him about that and told him ''no'' for Howard. Howard said she was right, he's not going to write something like that. Artie figured that was out of the question for his book then. Howard said that he actually would do it for Artie.
Howard said that this movie ''Stop Loss'' was really good. He told Robin and Artie about the movie and what it was like. He said that it was really good and he's not just saying that. He said that the woman who directed it was the same woman who directed ''Girls Don't Cry'' and she's a great director.
Howard read some mail about Ryan's interview last week. He read through a bunch of that stuff and some mail about Kid Rock's interview.
someone wrote in about the music that Fred plays behind Eric the Midget when he calls in. Fred said that it's the theme music from Dr. Who, an old British TV show. Howard had him play that song. He threw in the ''Ack, Ack'' sound clip too. That comes from the movie ''Mars Attacks.'' Fred played the music and the ''Ack, Ack'' to make up a new song as Howard stayed quiet.
Howard played a prank call that the guys made using Eric the Midget audio clips. Howard also played an Eric the Midget song parody with more of his audio clips. Howard played a prank call the guys made to Gary the Retard using Eric clips. They had Gary yelling at the Eric clips.
Howard asked the guys who they would rather be, Gary the Retard or Eric the Midget. He asked Robin what she would say. She said she had never thought about that before. She said she'd have to pick Gary because he seems to be oblivious to all of his disabilities. Artie picked Gary, Fred picked the midget. He said that at least he has some intellect. He thinks that Eric could get a hot chick if he could just get over himself.
Howard said that he was having a hard time picking between the two. He went through the pros and cons for the two and chose to be Gary the Retard over Eric the Midget. He said that Eric is kind of caught in that body while Gary can at least move around and can be attracted to just about anyone.
Howard played the ''Shu, shu retarded flu'' call to Gary the Retard. Sal and Richard made that one years ago. They had Gary thinking that he could get the flu over the phone and had him yelling out ''Shu, shu retarded flu'' to Richard who was playing the part of The Flu. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard played a new song parody called ''Walk Like a Tarkzitian'' which was to the tune of ''Walk Like an Egyptian.'' Howard asked the guys what they thought about that. Robin and Artie both liked it. Howard said that was another Dan the Song Parody Man song.
Howard played Sal the Stockbroker's song parody about Robin that was also to the tune of ''I Want To Rock.'' That led to the guys talking about the words Sal was using in that song and how they're not very widely known words for her vagina. They made fun of him about that and Artie said that the song really wasn't at the level of a comedy writer. He said it was even gross sounding. Artie said that he thinks that 98 percent of the audience is able to write on a level like that.
Lisa said they'll have more about Gary's big induction ceremony at the Friar's club. That was going on this weekend. She said that he was probably the youngest guy there by at least 50 years and he and Jackie were probably the only non-Jews there.
Gary came in and said that they inducted about 8 people and he was the only one who was in show business. He said that some comedian got up and started making jokes about him. He said that it's now just another place where they're going to goof on him. He told a joke about his teeth lighting up the place and it didn't even make any sense. Artie said that guy, Stewie Stone, gets the first spot on all of the roasts.
Lisa said that Stewie Stone also extended an invitation to Artie to come out and see Frankie Valli at some event he's opening up for him at. Howard said that Artie doesn't want that. He answered for him.
Gary said that Jackie was there at the club with a woman who looked a lot younger than him. They spent a minute on that.
Lisa said that People Magazine had asked Howard about the upcoming wedding and he told them that they were going to have a small get together in the city. Howard told her that he's just telling them that to throw them off a bit.
Howard said that he told Dave that the best thing for him would be to get back on the tour and that's what he's done now. Dave told Howard that he ran into the fat pig Britney Spears out on the road. He told some jokes about that.
Dave said that he heard that Robin is getting laid now and talked to her boyfriend Jim Florentine about eating her out and he loves that Coffee Enema smell that comes from down there.
Howard said that Dave seems to be back after that whole radio thing didn't work out. Dave said that one door closes and another opens. He told Robin that if her door ever opens she should let him know.
Dave said that he heard that Artie went to KFC the other day and when they asked him about what size bucket he wanted, he said ''the one on the roof.'' Artie and Dave shot back and forth with a couple of jokes during that discussion.
Howard told Dave it was terrific to see him. Dave went on to talk about how the tour is going. He told them some stuff that didn't make any sense, just like the real David Lee Roth.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what happened at the last day at K-Rock. Dave said that he had a great time over there but now he has nowhere to put his palm trees and his uncle Manny has no one to talk to. Dave talked about Tom Chiusano a little bit. He also talked about the wigs he bought for going out on tour with Van Halen. He said that things are very good for him right now. He said he's just glad that he's not the singer for Ratt.
Dave said he likes working with Wolfgang Van Halen. He thought it was a bad idea at first because fathers and sons are just supposed to be plumbers together. He let out a couple of David Lee Roth screams so Howard told him he really liked those and wanted to hear more. Billy... er, uh, Dave said let out a few more of those.
Dave told Howard that people used to ask him about what 5150 meant and he said that it was actually the number of times he wanted to punch Eddie in the fuckin' face. Howard told Dave that he's an amazing entertainer. Robin said that he used to take his shirt off on stage but not anymore. Dave said that no one wants to see him running around at 50 with his shirt off so he wears a jacket all the time. He said that he used to make the style back in the 80s, now he has to keep up with the style.
Howard said that Dave is a big fan of Billy Mira's so he gave him some plugs for the appearances that he's going to be making soon. He's going to be at a club in Hoboken soon. Howard said you can find out more about Billy at BillyMiraComedy.com.
A caller asked Dave if he wanted to go back to being a paramedic since he's burning all of his bridges this morning. Another caller said he saw Artie out at a show over the weekend. He asked about the hot broad he was with out there. Artie said that there were hot broads all over the place there. The caller said that he got back stage and Artie was all over this chick and she left with him. Artie said that she's just a friend of his. The caller said that she's an ''L.A. 9.'' Artie said that she's just a friend and seemed to want to drop the subject.
Artie said that it seems like it's something it's not. He was just hanging out with a friend. Robin said that he seems to have a lot of friends all of a sudden. Artie said that girls love him for emotional advice. He laughed after saying that.
Artie said that there really wasn't anything going on there. He said that the girl is a 10 in his opinion and there's no way that she'd be with him. The caller said that he was talking to JD about what was going on and JD kind of said something about the chick. JD came in and said that nothing was going on there, he was just looking at everyone there because there was no security back stage. Everyone just came back after the show.
The caller said that Artie looked like he was really out of it after the show. Artie said he almost passed out that night from the humidity.
Howard said that Billy Mira had just walked in and was sitting next to David Lee Roth. He gave him some plugs for his upcoming comedy gig at this place in Hoboken. It's Danny's and owned by Danny Aiello. They spent a minute on that and Howard said that Ozzy Osbourne had just walked in. Billy did his Ozzy impression and then Howard said that Billy Crystal just walked in too. Billy did his Billy Crystal impression for a minute.
Billy said that he was on the show back in September and his wife gave birth to his son that day. That was it, the story didn't go anywhere. Howard asked where the punch line was. He said there wasn't one, he just wanted to tell the story.
Billy said his son is 6 months old now and his name is Dillon. Howard and Artie asked him where the name came from. Billy said that it was just a name his wife wanted to use.
Artie said that the guy who was in there recently, Jamie Thomas, was at his show down there in Miami. He said that he was getting a few laughs from what he was hearing. The caller said that he was bombing and the people were laughing whenever he screwed up. He said that he didn't want to be the asshole so he just bit his tongue and tried not to say anything to the guy.
Artie said that the audience seemed to be treating him pretty well. They weren't heckling him too bad. Howard asked Billy if it was like that for him when he was starting out. Billy said that it was really tough to start out and do open mic nights and stuff like that. He and Artie talked about how rough the business can be.
The caller said that Greg Fitzsimmons was great in the comedy show. Artie said that he's the best at doing stuff like that. Artie said that the place was in the round so it was a tough place to play. It was pouring rain and there were about 2000 people there. Artie said that he sweat like a stuffed pig there that night.
Howard wrapped up with Billy and David Lee Roth a short time later. He gave him some more plugs and then went to break.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was fooled when he heard David Lee Roth wasn't really David Lee Roth. Another caller said that he was fooled as well. Howard spoke to those guys for a minute and then picked up on this woman Jessica who had called in last week about her missing bulldog Clara.
Jessica told Howard that she had some help through a volunteer organization who went out and passed out fliers to people and the next day they got a call about who had the dog. They met them, got the dog back and didn't even ask any questions. She said that they just wanted the dog back so they didn't bother asking why they had taken her.
Jessica said that she's never going to leave her dog tied up outside again and she will tell other people not to do that either. She said that the dog is fine even though she had a little diarrhea. Howard said that there are a lot of scumbags out there who will steal dogs. He said that there was another couple he knew who tied their dog up and someone took it because she thought it was animal abuse. The dog ended up at a pound. Howard spent another few seconds with Jessica and let her go. She thanked a couple of people for the help before she left.
Howard said he had some audio from the Wrap Up Show from last Thursday. He said that High Pitch Mike and Artie were fighting again and Mike ended up throwing his headphones across the room and walked out of the studio. Howard played a clip where Artie said something about Mike and the gay jokes he tells about him. Mike said he was done fighting with Artie and Artie said he was done too but then told a joke about why he was going to call him a fag but he stopped himself. Mike was making some accusations about Artie thinking that the Matthew Sheppard story was a good one.
Howard played another clip where Artie and Mike were going at each other and Artie told him that the shit storm is still going to hit him after his sister comments. Mike brought up a some stuff about Artie that he didn't want to get into so Artie told him that's throwing someone else under the bus, not him. Mike ended up walking out a short time later.
Howard said that Artie and Mike seem to be in a genuine feud. Artie said that he was saying on that show that the people who killed Matthew Sheppard burn alive. He doesn't agree with gay bashing or killing gay people. He said that Mike wrote a really racist song about Robin so maybe he should be held responsible for hating black people.
Howard said he was reading the tabloids and saw that Oprah Winfrey was up to 247 pounds. He and the guys talked about that for a short time. Howard said that he read a story about Winona Ryder setting off some alarms at a store when she started to walk out with some stuff she didn't pay for. He said he really has to talk to her about that.
Howard mentioned the contest they have coming up for the Ugliest Guy with the Hottest Wife. He said that the contest is sponsored by AshleyMadison.com.
Robin said that she was reading about Owen Wilson and all of the chicks he's dating. He's supposed to be going out with Jennifer Aniston and some other girls. A few months ago he was suicidal and now he's banging every woman he can. Howard said that he's supposedly with Kate Hudson too.
Howard didn't think he could get it up for Jennifer Aniston. He read an article about Brad Pitt getting sick of her after just 6 weeks of marriage. He read that article and this guy was claiming that Brad was sick of her after 6 weeks and couldn't get past that stage in the marriage. Howard said that she looks like a huge pain in the ass to him.
Howard said he can see that Jennifer Aniston is very taken with herself and constantly moving that hair out of her eyes and stuff. Robin showed Howard some pictures of Kate Hudson and Jennifer Aniston's asses to find out whose looked better. Howard and Artie checked them out and both said that Kate had the better ass. There's an 11 year age difference there though. Artie said that 11 years can be a big difference.
Howard read that Carmen Electra finally found a new dude. It's some dude in the band KoRn. Howard said that's another disaster in the making but he wishes her luck finding love.
Robin said she's feeling bad for Heather Locklear who is apparently falling apart. Howard said that she used to be a really hot chick and now she's getting older and can't handle it.
Howard went to the phones and took a call from a guy who said that Jennifer Aniston looks great and wondered why he can't just want to dive into that ass of hers. Howard said that she just doesn't do anything for him. He said that he's a horny guy but Kate Hudson's ass looks better to him.
Howard played some audio of a coach doing a press conference and cursing while he was talking to the reporters. He went from being pretty calm to cursing about the bullshit game that they had just played. Howard had to go to break after that before bringing in Tracy Morgan.
Howard played the prank call the guys made using his audio clips. They had him making fun of this woman's cough. Tracy seemed to think that was pretty funny.
Howard asked Tracy about how his career seems to be on fire right now. Tracy said that this movie that he's in is kind of a spoof of super hero movies and he plays Professor Xavier in the X-Men spoof. Tracy said that there are a couple of movies that he beats off to and one of them is Howard's movie ''Private Parts'' (which he called Body Parts) when the Kielbasa queen is taking the kielbasa down her throat. He said that he loves that shit. He was saying that he loves gagging a woman with his penis. He said he likes to see mascara running.
Howard asked Tracy about how he didn't talk to his mother for many years. Tracy said that his mother had a lot of issues and had to raise a son with cerebral palsy. He said that she gave a lot of her attention to him and didn't pay attention to him as much as she could. He said he forgave her for that though and they're good now.
Howard said that Tracy had an epiphany while shooting a scene for a movie and figured he had to forgive her. Howard said that maybe the choking women thing comes from that hate for his mother. Tracy said that has nothing to do with it and he just likes the feel when his cock is in a woman's wet, warm mouth.
Tracy said that he also likes to beat off to Caligula and to the Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee home sex video. He said that he thinks that she's still out of his league though and didn't try to get her when they were doing the movie together.
Howard said that Tracy owns a $450,000 car and figured he had a lot of money. Tracy said he's making up for what his father couldn't do. That's why he has a car like that.
Howard asked Tracy if he's ever paid for a hooker. He said he used to do that when he was in high school. He said that he'd do all kinds of crazy stuff with those girls. He said that he'd play with the butt hole and all of that stuff with those women.
Howard said the last time Tracy was there he was talking about how he was loving his sobriety. He said that he's been clean for a couple of months now. Last time he was wearing an ankle bracelet that would warn people if he was drinking. Howard said that he read a day later that he had gone out drinking the day after he was on the show. Tracy said that his bracelet is really sensitive and he's not drinking. He said he got his license back and hasn't been drinking.
Tracy said that he wants to be able to drive that $450,000 car. He said that one time he drove that Ferrari to his friend's house and when he came out there was a pair of panties on the car with some discharge in them. He said that he loves discharge, that's like the special sauce on a Big Mac.
Tracy was saying that he doesn't mess around with the younger women who don't know how to clean their stink box. He likes women who are his age, around 35.
Tracy said that his father had a huge dick and it was like a Louisville slugger down there. that's where he got his stuff from. He said that he has a baby arm in his pants and it should end up in the Smithsonian. He said he has about 9 inches and it's thick. He said that the girls aren't scared of it though. He said he can last about 15 minutes or so with a woman.
Howard said he knew a black guy when he was a kid and they shared a tent together at camp. Tracy was hoping that he wasn't going to hear a Brokeback Mountain type of story. Howard said that he and this guy used to talk about how long they could last and he was never able to hold out while the black guy was. Tracy told Howard to just slow down and take a breath when you think you're going to cum. Tracy said that he would beat his dick like it owed him money if he had to. Artie loved hearing that because he knows that Bob Levy is going to say that the joke was stolen from him. Tracy said that everyone knows that joke in the business.
Howard talked to Tracy about his marriage failing after 21 years. Tracy said that they're getting divorced because they just had to go their separate ways. He said that his son is 22 years old and his other kid is 16.
Tracy said that the only way Hillary Clinton could get his vote is if she had beaten Monica Lewinsky's ass. He said that she didn't do that and she's not going to get his vote. He said that Barack Obama's wife wouldn't put up with that shit.
Tracy said that he met Governor Spitzer and he was telling him that his wife wasn't giving him anything. That's why he was going to that whore. Tracy was also saying that if Barack Obama wins the Presidency, he's going to walk up to him and say ''What up nigga'' and he has to go to his after party because he's pretty sure that P. Diddy is going to be there.
Tracy said that he'd love to be with Hillary too and stink up the room having sex with her. Howard and Tracy spent a minute talking about her and how she let Bill slip with that Monica Lewinsky thing. He said that there's a reason they don't let women become president. He said that she'll have her period one day and push the button.
Howard asked Tracy if he's going to vote in the next election. He said that he probably would but he hasn't voted since he voted for David Dinkens. He said that guy fucked up after he voted for him and he hasn't voted since then.
Gary asked if Tracy was even allowed to vote. Tracy went off on him for saying that and called him a fuckin' prick and some other names. He said that he wouldn't be on ''30 Rock'' if he was a felon.
Tracy was going on and on talking about the size of his dick and how he used to go to a public pool and take a shit in it when he was a kid. He said he did that because it showed that he had power. He said that if he shit in the pool they had to shut it down and that was how he did it. Howard asked where else he has shit. He said he's done that on some women before. He said that he really has done that and the girls rub the shit into their titties. He said he would do that to the chick that Spitzer was with. He said he'd tell her he was going to fart on her but then he'd shit.
Tracy said that women love money and men love freedom. He said that he's never known a man who fucked a woman for a mink coat.
Robin said that she read that Tracy was at Caroline's recently and people booed him and walked out. Tracy said that wasn't true, that didn't happen.
Howard asked Tracy if he was faithful to his wife in that 21 years he was with his wife. Tracy said he had to think about that for a minute. He said that he never penetrated another woman when he was with his wife. Howard asked him how long it took after the divorce thing came up that he got laid. Tracy said that he had to go out on the road and work so he was getting lonely. He said that he's still single now though.
Howard asked Tracy about Pam Anderson and why he wasn't going after her. He said that he was letting all of the girls know that they were looking good on that set.
Howard gave Tracy some plugs for the new movie and then took some phone calls. Howard picked up a call but ended up talking to Tracy about some of the movies he's working on. He just did one with Ice Cube and has one coming up with Jessica Biel. That led to Tracy talking about this hot chick he met on a flight a couple of months ago. He said that he went to the bathroom and beat his dick in there before she went and shot his load on the door handle. He said that the hot chick on the flight had to touch it to get out of there.
Howard asked Tracy what stars he's fucked. Tracy joked that he had been with Sigorney Weaver. He said that she really turned him on in ''Alien.'' Howard wanted a real answer so he asked who he's had. He said that he had an A-list celebrity that he banged but he didn't say who it was. He said that she rode his dick and said it felt like it was in her stomach.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him that he's the shit. He asked if he's had more than one girl at the same time. Tracy said that he had 5 in his hotel room in Vegas one time. They were hookers though. He said that you only live once.
Howard took some more calls for Tracy. One guy asked him about the pizza commercials he does and if he was paid in cash or pizza. Tracy said that he gets money for that. He said he's got a great management team that takes care of him. He said he's got a couple of million saved up. Howard figured that his wife was going to come after him for that. He said that she's still his partner and she's still giving him advice on how to do stuff.
Howard took a call from Hook Nose Mike who said that Tracy is radio gold. He asked him what the craziest stuff is that he's done with chicks, other than shitting on a chick. Tracy said that he gave a chick a Dirty Sanchez one time.
Howard asked Tracy if he wants more kids. He said that he does and the world would be a better place with more Tracy Morgan's out there. He said that he may slow down and have more kids with the right woman. He said that the woman has to be the right one though. Howard said he thought that his marriage is going to last forever. Tracy said that she's not going anywhere and he was just with her last night. She was making him a meal and stuff like that.
Howard asked Tracy if he could ever marry a woman who he'd shit on. He said he could never do that. He'd get as far away from them as possible. He said he'd never be with a chick who had shit all over her.
Howard asked Tracy about the 10,000 pair of sneakers he has. Tracy said that he spends his money on sneakers, cars, porno and CDs. That's the kind of stuff he likes to buy. He wears his sneakers once and keeps them. He said the sneakers he had on today he'd never wear again. Howard said that sounds like some crazy shit to him. He's got 6500 pair on the East Coast and the other 4500 are on the West Coast.
Tracy said that he won't even get to go to the premiere for the new movie he's got out. He said that he'll be busy working on ''30 Rock'' and getting that money.
Howard asked Tracy about the new black governor they have there in New York. Tracy said they have to wait and see how he does. He said that he doesn't care what color the guy is as long as he's doing his job.
Tracy was talking about how great it is to go out with ghetto chicks. He said that if you take a ghetto chick out to Red Lobster, you're like a king. He said that the pussy tastes even better after a chick has eaten some king crab legs from Red Lobster.
Tracy said that he was just kidding about the shitting on the women thing. He said he had to say that as a disclaimer. He really didn't do that and doesn't want people thinking he did.
Tracy said that he's writing a book with this guy Anthony Boza. That's the same guy that's working with Artie. Artie said he thought he was just writing his book, he didn't know he was writing Tracy's at the same time. Tracy said that he's got a lot of fucked up stories to tell in his book. He said that he was exposed to a lot of shit when he was a kid that he shouldn't have been exposed to.
Tracy talked about how he's chosen to give his wife $21,000 a month. He said that he's making about a million a month so it's not that big of a deal to him. He said that Paul McCartney probably doesn't care that much about the kind of money he's giving his ex-wife.
Howard asked Tracy if he's going to freak out when he finds out his wife has been with another man. He said he will. She's still fucking him though so he's not too worried yet. He said that she makes him wear a condom though. He was telling Howard that he was banging this chick the other day and she said she was on her period. He said he told her that he has no problem with that, he'll run a red light once in a while.
Tracy said that he has to pop some blue pills to get up his dick sometimes. Howard said that he's never had to do that. Tracy told him that's because he's crazy. He went on to say that he doesn't want his wife giving it up to any other man, ever, even if he dies. He said that she might have given him up but he's not giving her up.
Tracy said that he's really staying sober and not smoking weed or anything like that. He said he used to get high when he was younger but not anymore. He said that he's 39 years old now and doesn't do that shit. Tracy said that he's going to be at Caroline's next month and wanted him to come out and see him. He'll be there on the 10th. Howard wrapped up with Tracy a short time later. They got in some plugs for the new movie and went to break.
Howard played the clip where the reporter talks about how she was claiming she was going to give all of the money from her Dancing with the Stars appearance but they're saying she only gave half of it. They had a guy confirming the story.
Howard said that's pretty fucked up not to give the money you promise to the charity. He said that she could have just said she wasn't going to give her money away.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Tracy was her all time favorite guest. Howard took another call after that and another guy said that Tracy was a great interview. Another guy said that he sucked. Howard said that he was the only guy who was saying that. The guy said he was falling asleep during that interview. Artie said that was an odd reaction to that interview.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Lisa G is putting out a lot of energy doing her stories and he's kind of dismissing her. Howard said that he just wanted to wait for the show on Monday instead of reporting it on the Howard 100 News. Howard said that the caller was nagging him as if he was his wife or something. He ended up hanging up on the guy. Howard said that people love to yammer without making any sense.
Artie said that he agrees because he actually likes American Idol. If he was watching it because Beth wanted to watch it, then he'd be whipped. Howard said that this is kind of like Sal goofing on Gary about his marriage when it's really Sal who ends up with major problems in his marriage.
Steve said that they have more on Girls Night Out and how Siobhan wants to join the charity. Robin started laughing hysterically when she heard that. Howard asked if Siobhan wasn't good enough. Robin said that she knows nothing about the group or what it represents, that's why she's laughing.
Steve said that they have a story about Ryan Seacrest and some reports about him that have come out lately. There was an article by Tom Shales about how he's anti-entertaining and he's really just trying to be tolerable. Howard said that he could never stomach being so milk-toast and never saying anything outrageous. He said that's what the guy seems to be trying to do.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jim Florentine seems to be whipped. Robin just laughed. The guys talked about how Jim hasn't been farting for the past 7 months, that's how whipped he is.
Steve said that it was 14 years ago this week that Howard started his run for Governor of New York. That led to Howard taking out his book where he writes down stuff in his calendar. He turned to March 5th and showed Artie the note he has in there that says ''2001 Jackie Leaves Show'' and it comes up every year in his planner. He said he does a jig every time that comes up in there. He said that he couldn't take it before he left and he was happy when he finally did. He said he likes the guy and his wife Nancy personally but the two of them he couldn't take.
Robin said that they've done 3 shows about the people who have left the show. They did Billy West, Jackie and Stuttering John. She said that some people think there's a common denominator there but there really isn't. She said that Jackie is on another level and just crazy.
Howard mentioned that they have a new Howard TV game show coming up. They have a bowling show that they're going to be doing but they don't even have a name for it yet. He said he'll announce more as the details are revealed.
Jon Hein came in to give his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll be talking about the Tracy Morgan interview, Billy Mira's visit and everything else that happened on the show today.
The guys spent quite a bit of time talking about the Jackson family story. Howard figured that hey could hire one of the Jacksons to work with JD or maybe be Artie's assistant or something. Howard asked if he was thinking of getting rid of Teddy. Artie said that he was thinking of a second assistant or something like that. Howard talked about his meeting with Michael Jackson that went down years ago. He said that Jackson was looking for some press and they talked about doing a pay-per-view special or something like that. Jackson ended up going with Diane Sawyer instead of Howard. Howard didn't think that did him any good, it may have made things worse.
Robin asked the guys what kind of behavior they'd consider being a sin. That got the guys talking about hurting kids and your spouse, lying, cheating, stealing. Robin asked if Adultery was a sin. Howard said that he would consider that a sin too. Artie said that he thinks anything sexual could be looked at as not being a sin, unless you're lying about it. Howard said that it's all a sin. He said that there are some people who don't believe that anything is a sin because that's what god put into you.
Robin said that some people think that racism is a sin. There are others who think that drug taking and drinking alcohol are sins as well. Howard said that if you're just hurting yourself then it's not a sin. He said that a suicide isn't a sin because you're hurting yourself. He said it's sad but not a sin.
Howard said that he's as close to being god as anyone and he's telling them that suicide is not a sin. Fred disagreed. He said that you have no right to do that. Howard said that if you kill yourself it's not a sin. Fred said that you leave behind people who loved you and that's a sin right there. He and Howard argued about that for a short time. They also talked about abortions, homosexuality, watching pornography, swearing, sex before marriage, polluting the environment, smoking marijuana, getting drunk, not taking proper care of your body and other things that are considered sins by some people. Howard kept saying that as long as you're not hurting anyone else then they're not sins.
Artie said that he thinks that he has littered, while doing drugs and taking poor care of his body, all at the same time.
Howard said that one lucky listener gets to smell Jim Florentine's hand when he comes in tomorrow. Robin said that she was figuring that if their relationship is going to come to an end, it'll be after tomorrow. They talked about how it might go tomorrow when Jim comes in and spills the beans on what his relationship is like with Robin.
Robin read a story about Elliot Spitzer and how it was someone who turned him in when he found out that he was going to whores. That guy revealed that he kept his socks on when he had sex.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she's got Jim Florentine whipped and he's going to be on his best behavior tomorrow. Another caller asked how long she's been training Jim for this moment. Robin said that Jim is the one who keeps bringing it up and she's not the one doing that. Howard said that Robin and Jim are going to get all uptight about it and they'll both be squirming.
Howard asked if Jim has asked her what he should say if they ask about stuff that he shouldn't talk about. Robin said they haven't discussed that kind of thing. Artie said that Jim and Robin have an open invite to his new shore house so he's hoping to find out more when they visit.
Robin read more about the Spitzer story and how he allegedly liked to watch other couples having sex. Then Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Michael Jackson impression for them. He was talking real soft and acting very odd. Artie said that he pictures his father pulling pillows over his head trying to sleep while he's playing that music. Howard had hung up on Sour Shoes by that point. He was trying to talk to him but he couldn't hear him with the music playing.
Howard said that he wants to ask Robin and Jim what their first date was like but he has a feeling that's going to stump them. Robin said that she would talk about it and said that the first date wasn't all that great because she was on it. She wasn't taking him seriously and wouldn't let him pick her up and take her out. She had a car waiting for her outside and didn't think that he was going to take it serious. Howard figured that she had to make him prove himself. Robin said that's basically what it was like.
Howard asked Fred (as Jim) what the first kiss was like. He said he was punching her uvula like a punching bag with his tongue. Robin said that the first kiss wasn't all that great.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric who was doing his Jim Florentine impression. He asked to see her colonics before the show tomorrow. Artie was grossed out by the way he just said ''colonics'' with that phlegm in his throat. Howard quickly hung up on him and had Robin get back to her news.
Robin said that the church has released some of the Reverend Wright audio clips so people can hear them in context. She had Howard play them and asked if he's changed his mind about what the guy has said now that he's heard them in context. The clip Howard played had Wright talking about how this country has been terrorizing people through its whole existence. Howard said that this was making him hate the guy even more.
Howard said they weren't doing this mother fucker any good by releasing these clips. He was quoting someone else according to Robin but Howard said the guy was way too into it. Howard said the guy is a disgrace and Barack Obama sat and listened to that shit for 20 years and didn't call him out on it so fuck Obama and fuck this Reverend Wright. He said that he's a racist mother fucker.
Robin argued with Howard saying that the guy was quoting some other guy and he didn't give it enough time to hear the whole thing. Howard said he'd let the other 58 seconds play then. He let some of it play but ended up going off on the guy again saying that he's really a crazy racist. He let it play out and the guy does say that he was quoting the words of a white man who had said all of that stuff that sounded so racist and anti-American.
Howard played some more audio of Reverend Wright talking about some other stuff. He was talking about governments failing and how the American government has failed its citizens. Howard said that he agrees that this country has its problems but he would never say god damn America like this Reverend Wright was saying. He said that this is showing how Barack Obama has poor judgment to stick by this guy for 20 years.
Robin said that in context she understands what the guy was saying. She said that he didn't give political sermons every day. He made a couple over the years and that's what they were hearing. Ralph called in a short time later but Robin was talking over him. Ralph said that she needs some solid food. He asked her what was going on with her the other morning when she was freaking out. Howard cut him off and said that it was enough of this and asked Robin to move on.
Scott DePace came in so Howard asked him what he thought about that speech. Scott said that the guy is an asshole and that guy should get kicked out of this country for saying what he did. Scott said that it's too late for Obama to distance himself from that guy. Artie asked Scott if he ever prayed to St. Anthony about his hair.
The guys went back and forth on the Reverend Wright thing for a few minutes. Artie said that it seems like Obama has the young people hypnotized or something. Jason came in and said that Howard sounds like he's out of his mind when he's talking about this Obama thing. He said that he obviously already made up his mind on the guy even before he found out anything about him. Robin said that Howard sounds like what their parents sounded like back in the 60s when the young people were against the Vietnam war.
Robin moved on to some other news stories. She read one about Governor Bill Richardson giving his support to Barack Obama after supporting the Clinton's for so many years.
Robin quickly went through a couple more stories before wrapping up. She had one about how the ''Horton Hears a Who'' movie being number one this weekend. Howard didn't know what that was all about so Artie explained to him that it was a Dr. Seuss story. Howard said his parents never read to him so he wouldn't know about that. Robin said that her parents never read to her either. Artie said that his mother used to read to him.
Robin read a story about Easter eggs and how you can't leave them sitting out too long. Howard said that people must be fucking assholes if they don't know that they have to get rid of dairy products like that. Howard said that people are stupid if they think they can eat an egg that's been sitting out for a week. He said the egg's properties don't change just because they're Easter eggs.
Howard said that there are some people who like to show off that they know how to go to the bathroom, mostly kids, and he thinks that's what Gary was doing subconsciously. Howard said he has a fear of people walking in on him so bad that he checks and checks again to make sure the door is locked. He said that he thinks Gary wants to be seen when he's doing that. Gary said that he forgot to lock the door just one time in the past 2 years they've been there.
Scott came in and said that he just saw Gary for 2 seconds but it was very disturbing. Sal had his Gary mask on and he had his pants pulled down in the bathroom. The Howard TV guys zoomed in on the ass and freaked everyone out. Gary said that Sal is a guy who wants to be noticed.
Ralph called in and said that Gary shouldn't be shitting in that bathroom because it's right next to a room where 20 people are working. Gary didn't get a chance to answer him before Howard hung up and ended the show. They wrapped up around 11:05am.
Jon started the guys off talking about Tracy Morgan. Gary said that he didn't even know who he was about a year and a half ago. Then Craig Gass came in and did an impression of him and that led to them booking the guy for the show. The plot on the show is similar to what his real life is like. The guy is out of control and totally entertaining. He said that he can be who he wants to be on satellite radio and that's what's great about his interview. Gary said that he's not sure what they'd talk to him about on terrestrial radio.
Gary said that he's not sure what to think about some of the stuff that Tracy says on the show. He said that he seems to be doing an act but he's really not sure when he's talking about shitting in a pool and things like that.
Jon played a clip where Gary had asked Tracy about being able to vote and Tracy went off on him about that stupid question. After the clip Gary said he didn't regret asking that question at all. He said he couldn't stop laughing when he heard his answer.
Jon went to the phones and one guy said that he loved Tracy Morgan interview and wondered why Gary asked that question. Gary said he thought that if you were convicted of a crime that you can't vote. He said that Tracy has had some trouble with the law so that's why he was asking. Last time he was on the show he was wearing an ankle bracelet so that's what he was going on.
The caller also said that he likes the show without Sal and Richard on the show. Gary said he disagrees with that. That led to the guys talking about Sal showing his ass a few minutes ago and how gross that was. Gary said that Artie was talking about how Sal's song parody earlier in the morning really wasn't all that great and how 90 percent of the audience could write stuff like that. He said that he sees another CD case flying toward Sal's head.
Jon asked Teddy why he cut off all of his hair. Teddy said that he was going down to Miami over the weekend so that's why he did it. Then it rained the whole time he was there so he stayed inside most of the time.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he thought that Tracy Morgan was just Billy Mira fucking around again. Gary said that's what's great about Tracy because he's so out of his mind.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about Tracy and how out of his mind he was. One caller said that he was going too far with some of the stuff he was saying. He said that he was way over the top with some of that stuff. Gary said that they really like him as a guest.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he was a riot. He said he loved him as a guest. He said that he'd like to see his TV show but he's a truck driver and doesn't get to watch TV that much. Gary said that he'd like to see his stand-up act to see what he does in that.
Ralph called in and said that he didn't think that Tracy was that good. He said he was okay for about 10 minutes but there was too much yelling and it wasn't clear if he was telling the truth or not. He said that it seemed like he was hopped up on an 8-ball or something. Gary said that he did hear Tracy interrupting Howard a bit but he had some funny stories to tell. Ralph agreed that there were some funny moments but overall it wasn't all that great.
Ralph also talked to Gary about shitting in the bathroom near the Howard TV guys and how they don't deserve having to smell shit there. Gary said that it was an emergency and he doesn't do that often. He said that he has to stay near the studio just in case something happens on the show that he's needed for.
A woman called in and told the guys how much she hates Ralph when he calls in. Gary told her that every show needs a villain. She agreed with that. She said that she loved Tracy Morgan. Jon thanked her for that call and went to Syrus but his phone connection was really bad so they had to let him go.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he wanted to talk about Robin. He said that she's showing her true black roots and he thinks that maybe she was sent in to infiltrate White America. The guys thanked him and quickly moved on. Another caller said that they could take any 30 seconds from that Tracy Morgan interview and blow away anything that Ralph has ever done on the show.
Gary said that he liked the frantic pace of the Tracy interview. He said that's what was making him laugh so much. Gary said that he got an e-mail during the show from someone who brought up how Artie was asking about the ''beat my dick like it owes me money'' joke that Tracy told. The writer told him that Levy claims to have written the joke but it's been around since the 50s.
Another caller said that he liked the Tracy Morgan interview but his stories were very inconsistent. That guy also complained about Ralph calling in too much on the Wrap Up Show. He wants less of him on the show. Gary said that he has too many good things to talk about so they're not going to stop that. They went to break a short time later.
Jon moved the guys on to talk about Billy Mira's visit today as David Lee Roth. Gary said that he knows that it's Billy when he's on because he's actually able to sing. He said that his impersonations are very good. He said that Fred used to get very animated when he would do his impressions and Billy has that same kind of thing going on.
Jon played a clip of Billy doing his Ozzy Osbourne and Billy Crystal impressions during the David Lee Roth thing.
Jon came back after that and took a call from this guy who calls him self Captain Cat Fucker. He was saying that he was in the middle of taking a shit. He didn't know that it was Billy doing an impression of David Lee Roth. He also asked what happened to the Win Jon Hein's Money thing last week. Gary said that the guy who was supposed to do it crapped out so they're going to be doing it next week. Captain Cat Fucker said he'd play and offered to eat his toenails. Gary and Jon turned down that offer.
Another caller asked about Tracy Morgan and what they think about ''30 Rock'' and the way he acts on that show. The guys think that the show is based on his life and they may have very similar story lines to his life. The caller also asked about the size of his posse. Gary said that he really doesn't have a big posse at all.
A caller said that he thinks that Tracy is crazy. He said that they have to cut this Master Tape Theatre stuff out. He said that the shit is like 10-15 years old and he doesn't want to hear that. He suggested that they give Sal and Richard an hour long show and maybe do a Friday show for the other 3 hours. He said that nobody listens to that crap. Gary told him to address all of that to Tim Sabean who is the program director there.
Gary told the guy that if they gave Sal and Richard an hour people would probably get tired of their stuff over and over again. The caller said that's why they only give them an hour. Jon said that they'd pass this along to Tim Sabean since they know he's listening.
Gary said that maybe Artie was upset with Sal about measuring his waist and that's why he went off on him. Sal showed up and said that he thought it was a little odd. He said that everyone was laughing, even Howard, and he's not sure where that came from. He said that he kind of minds because he respects Artie and his comedic talent but he doesn't want to get into another fight over that stuff.
Jon asked Sal what Richard does when he hears that stuff. Sal said he thinks he gets upset too but they put in a lot of work into that stuff. He said that if Howard liked it he's fine. He said he respects Artie's opinion too but he just didn't like that one song.
Gary said that he thought it was kind of weird too. He was laughing at the song and wasn't sure why Artie was going off on him like that. Richard came in and said that everyone doesn't like everything on the show. He said that he and Sal are always in the back making each other laugh back in their office and that's what they care about.
Sal said that he and Artie have been getting along really well lately and this kind of came out of nowhere. He said that when everyone is laughing and Artie goes off on him like that it's very strange. He said he was going off on him for using his Italian slang the way he did. Sal claims that Howard has been using that word ''Pukiak'' since he started listening to him. Gary said he couldn't back him up on that. He thought that today was the first day he ever heard the word on the show.
Richard said that the show is hard to read sometimes. He said they can't tell if they're laughing because it's funny or because the bit is so bad that it's funny. He said that as long as it's not dead silence they're fine.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that Sal and Richard are funny but he thinks that Artie just hates both of them. He said that he doesn't know the real Artie but he gets the feeling that he's a blue collar guy who just doesn't like the type of guys Sal and Richard are.
Sal said that he thinks that maybe it was him making fun of Artie's 55 inch waist size that led to that insult. He really wasn't sure.
Gary asked Sal what he thinks Artie would say if he asked him off the air what he thinks about their comedy. Sal said that he's pretty sure that he'd say he doesn't like it and that they're very green. Sal said that they really don't think about this stuff that much though. They weren't in the office talking about what he had said, they didn't even hear it.
Richard said that they have this friend, Mike Bocchetti, who makes them laugh like crazy. They think that he's even more funny than the pros out there but he's just an up and coming comedian right now and not all that big. Richard said that he's still working on his act and was just out the other night doing his material in front of about 10 people. He said the audience was mostly college girls and it went over okay.
Jon took a call from a guy who complained about the way the guys goof on Artie's weight and how it must really get to him. Gary said that they all get goofed on though. The caller said that Artie might take it more personal than the rest of the guys. He said that the weight has to really bother him while Robin's coffee enemas might not really bother her that much.
The caller told Sal and Richard that he loves their stuff and really appreciates them. He said that if they just left Artie alone about his weight for a month he'd be a much nicer person.
Another caller said he thinks that it was Artie getting back at Sal for some stuff he said about him on the roast. He said that he gets very defensive about his family and that's why he's hated him ever since then. Gary said that Artie did kind of allude to that family thing on the show last week. Maybe he does think about that sister joke he made during the roast and that's what he's holding against him. Sal said that he thinks that Artie is a good guy and they've been getting along lately and he's fine with all of this stuff. He said that he did seem to go a little overboard to make a point though.
Another caller said that Artie has gone overboard kissing Sal and Richard's ass on bits they've done lately. He said that he feels the opposite on this stuff that happened today. He said that it almost seems that it's not very genuine when he says that stuff and maybe that's what he's putting on. He asked if they see that themselves. Richard said he doesn't think Artie would say something he didn't mean like that. They had to wrap up the show a short time later.
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Howard started off the show talking to Artie about the Department of Justice approving the merger for XM and Sirius. Artie said he knew about it which seemed to surprise Howard. Artie was saying that he got a new bookie and he made some money the other day. This guy paid him the money he was owed, unlike the other guy. Howard said that Artie won 78,000 bucks and the other bookie didn't pay him. You'd think that he'd learn his lesson after that. He thinks that Artie needs to work on that gambling thing.
Howard got back to the merger thing and said that this is very exciting news. He said that they still have to wait for FCC approval but this is a good first step. Robin said that they're talking about the development of the technology and how that's not going to hurt the consumer and she thinks that they don't know what they're talking about. She said that they're giving them a bunch of bullshit. Howard shushed her and said that they should just be happy that they got this far.
Howard said he's hoping that the FCC doesn't take 13 months to come through with a decision. He said that this is still an emerging technology and the companies are still bleeding money and they need to merge to survive. He said that the NAB is asking for part of the spectrum for free and they claim that they're being hurt by all of this. It's like wolves pulling at the carcass.
Howard said that he got a phone call yesterday from Tim Sabean who heard about the merger. He was the first one to get through to him about it. He was very pleased with the news and that there was finally some movement with it. He said that people were saying that it wasn't going to go through and he wondered why that would be. He doesn't know what the problem would be. it's not a monopoly at all and that's what he's been saying for a while now.
Howard said that the question really was if it was a monopoly. He said that the merger has only been approved by the DOJ and not by the FCC yet so they're not through it yet. He talked about some of the other mergers that they've been through like when CBS and Infinity merged. He said he didn't feel that he was part of that one that much back then.
Howard said that it was a big deal for him to leave terrestrial radio to move to satellite. He said he believes in the technology and they went from 600,000 subscribers when he signed on to 8 million in just a few years. Now if they merge they'll have about 16 million. He said that they'll have a great variety of programming if the merger goes through.
Howard said he spoke to someone who owns XM because he's very excited about how he might be able to get all of this great programming, including Howard Stern, in one service.
Robin said some people were complaining about how this was going to cost the consumers more money in the long run but they don't have to pay for the service at all if they don't want it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked when they're going to be able to listen to some baseball. Howard said that the FCC still has to approve it. They have to wait for that to come through before that will happen. Howard and the caller talked about how they'll be able to weed out the stuff that's similar on the two services and make it all one big one. He said that it's being delayed but they have a lot of work to do to make it all happen once it's approved.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked how long they think the FCC will take to make a decision. Howard said he figured that it would have been done by now. They're just taking their time and taking too long. Howard said that the only good thing is that they can't claim that this was rushed through and they made a decision too fast. He said that they spent less time on the Warren Commission than they did on this merger thing. Howard said that this is a good first step so he's happy about that.
Another caller asked about when the merger is going to go through so Howard and Robin asked if he was listening. He told the guy he really doesn't know.
The caller asked if Jim is coming in because there are wedding bells in the future. Howard asked Robin if she would say yes to him if he asked today. Robin said she would not. He asked her if she's in love. She said that she's not answering his questions. She said that she's not answering these questions for him.
Howard asked Robin when she's going to admit that she's got a relationship with this guy and just admit she's in love. He wondered what this is all about.
Howard said he was listening to some of Jim's stand-up act and he talks about his girlfriend in the act. He played some clips of Jim talking about his girlfriend being on her period and how he tells her that her mouth isn't bleeding. He said that it will be in a few minutes if she doesn't do something for him. He also talks about how he had his girlfriend lick his ass one time and how great that was.
Howard asked Robin if she and Mr. X were in love at some point. She said ''sure'' to that but she didn't want to speak for Mr. X. She didn't know how to answer his questions about love and what it means to her. Howard said that she has to have an answer for that stuff but she said that she really doesn't. Howard said that he could probably press her and make her say that having a feeling of revulsion for someone would mean that she wasn't in love.
Fred went into his Jim impression and told Howard what love meant to him. He was talking about all of the stuff that Robin has taught him to love like the movies that she loves and things like that. They played Foreigner's ''I Wanna Know What Love Is'' as they were talking about all of that.
Robin asked Howard what love is to him. Howard explained how love is feeling that you want to live your live with a person and you can't live without them. He said that you also adore the other person. Robin said that after hearing his explanation she knows that it can't happen for her with anyone.
Howard said that he's been cutting his portions down a lot lately. He said he has to cut back on the sauce he gets with the Chinese food he gets. He said that he's not farting as much as he used to and he's not dumping every day. He said that he was just eating too much food.
Howard said that Sal found an album on the internet of a band that sings about shitting in every song. Sal came in and said that these guys sent in their CD and that's how they got it. They're obsessed with taking shits. Howard played some clips from the album and all they sing about is shitting. He played one called Double Flusher, one called ''Yesterday's Meal'' and others. Robin said that this was horrible. Howard said it was like what The Who did with Tommy. It's like a Rock Opera. The name of the band was The Seething Fuckpatties.
Howard played a new song from Richard called ''Black Snatch Fever'' to the tune of Cat Scratch Fever. Robin said that she loves how he crowbars some of those lyrics in there.
Howard played some more of Jim's stand-up act. He was talking about how he'd like to be able to just go out and hang out without the trick questions in relationships. Howard said that Robin must love that stuff. He said that he doesn't like what he had to say about Robin's period and hitting her. He said that's just not right. He said he's going to have to talk to Jim about that.
Howard asked Artie where he was when he heard. Artie said that he was at the corner of 49th and 6th this morning when he found out about it. He said that he was listening to the CBS news on the way in and they were talking about it too. He said he's not sure if he should be happy yet or not.
Howard said that a guy told him he heard about the merger and congratulated him on the 5 billion dollar merger like he had just gotten 5 billion dollars himself. Robin said that one guy thought the Supreme Court had approved the merger. People really have no idea what's going on.
Howard read through some of the feedback he got about Tracy. He had a few positive ones and some negative ones about how unfunny he was. There were more positive e-mails than negative ones. He quickly read through a bunch of those. People were asking for them to bring him back soon.
Howard said that he thinks that some of what Tracy does is a put on because he was calm after the interview and just shook his hand and left when he was done.
Howard got some feedback about Ralph and a couple of people were actually supporters of his. He said that there are some people out there who like him.
Howard got a lot of negative e-mail about Clara the bulldog. Some people were complaining about how people are dying every day on the streets but he doesn't give a shit about them, just about the dog. One guy went off on him about the dog thing and said he hopes that Howard gets a divorce and loses all of his money. He read a few more of those e-mails where people went off on him about that. He said that he can still feel bad for a dog while all of this other stuff is going on.
Howard took a call from a guy who pointed out that all we get if this merger goes through is Opie and Anthony. Howard said that they also get baseball. He said that the best thing is that they'll be able to be in every car now and they'll pick up anything that's good over on XM. They'll get Oprah and Ellen Degeneres. He said with programming like that it should really put them over the top. He said that with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
Richard said that Sheik was playing with his penis and then shakes the hand of another wrestler after doing that. Howard said that the video is great and Artie would probably love it. He said that he wasn't able to pull his pants up and his ass was sticking out. He said that another guy shows his ass too and it looked like he hadn't wiped himself completely.
Artie asked what Sal touched yesterday after he touched his ass. The guys talked about how disturbing that looked when he did that. He had a big hemorrhoid and the guys didn't know that until yesterday. Howard talked about the biggest hemorrhoid contest they held when they were at K-Rock. He said that they aired it on E! and he's pretty sure they've aired it uncensored on Howard TV.
Sal came in and said that he's had two operations for his hemorrhoids already and they just keep coming back. Howard told him that he's pushing too hard and probably wiping too many times. Richard said that he thinks that Sal reading the newspaper is what's doing that too. Howard told him not to read. Sal said that it takes him at least 15 minutes to go so he has to read. Howard told him that he shouldn't be sitting on the toilet so long.
The guys showed video of Sal's hemorrhoids from yesterday's show. Sal said that he didn't know about how bad they were. He said that they slice out the roids when he gets operated on and it's like getting a tooth pulled out of your ass. They put you on vikodin after the operation.
Artie said that he's never had anything like that. He's never even had a cavity. He said that's pure luck for him. Howard said that he had a whole rethink on his ass when he was younger and he hasn't had any problems since then. He said that he was never taught how to wipe correctly and things like that when he was a kid. He used to dig at his asshole all the time and started to dig himself a new one. His mother never questioned why he was scratching his hole and making holes in his underwear.
Doug Goodstein came in so Howard asked him about that. Doug said that they have a few Penthouse girls coming in to bowl too and they're still interviewing a bunch for the show. He said that he's the one doing the interviewing of the girls for this new show. Howard said that he should make time to interview with them too.
Howard looked at some pictures of the girls that they had lined up. Doug didn't have the names of all of the girls with him. Howard showed one of the girls to Artie and he was saying that she's like a real top model.
Doug said that the girls will be wearing stiletto bowling shoes. He said they found one company that actually makes them. Howard showed Artie some more of the girls and said that they have picked out some hot girls.
Howard said that this is strictly bowling. They were still trying to come up with a name for the game. Doug said that they shouldn't announce it on the air because they'd have to check the trademarks and stuff like that.
Howard said that Artie should be allowed to go do the picking of the girls. Doug said they're actually doing another pick today and he can come down with them. Howard said that they should call the show ''Jerking Off to Bowlers'' or something like that. He said that it's going to be really big.
Howard said that they need a guy to do the announcing and maybe they could have Scott the Engineer do that. He talked about with Scott a little bit. They checked out some more pictures of the women they have lined up for the event too. They had one chick by the name of Marilisa or something like that who was a dominatrix according to Doug.
Howard said that they wanted to do a show that was exclusive to Howard TV and this is what they came up with. He said that now he's thinking that they should have done it on the radio show. Robin said they could do preview shows and stuff on the radio show to promote it. Howard said this is very exciting.
Howard asked if they can do topless bowling or not. Doug said that the bowling alley is okay with thongs but they're not sure about the topless thing. There is a fully nude bowling alley they can go to and that might come in season 2.
Doug said that he did speak to Jim Florentine about hosting the show and he's very excited about it. Howard said that he doesn't want him becoming a Richard Dawson type making it all about himself. Doug thinks that he'd be great as the host. Howard said that if they don't use Jim then they're going to try using Ralph Howard from Howard 100 News. They spent a few more minutes on that stuff before going to break.
Lisa said that Shuli got some audio of Artie asking Robin to come over to entertain the troops with him. Robin showed some interest in it. Howard asked how many people he's bringing over there. He said that it wasn't up to him and he may be at his limit already.
Artie said he thinks that Dave Attell, Nick DiPaolo and Gary are going. He may have one more spot and Robin might be able to go if she wants to. He said that he's not sure if he's even allowed to offer that since he's not sure if she'd be allowed to go. He thinks that the troops love the show and they'd like to see her over there. Howard said that she'd have to go buy an all new wardrobe.
Howard asked how long they're going to be over there because Robin has to have her coffee enemas every week. Artie wasn't giving the details about how long it'll be.
Howard asked Lisa if she would do the bowling show. She said that she can't bowl so she won't be doing that. She went on to talk about how Scott DePace has a new arch enemy. They have something out called a Video Perch which is very much like his Video Caddy. Lisa said that this guy thinks that his product is lighter and better than Scott's. Scott says that his is made better than the other one and it will stand up longer than the other one.
Scott came in to defend his Video Caddy and talked about why he thinks his is better. They spent a short time talking about that. Scott said that they're in the black with the product and doing just fine with it.
Lisa said that she spoke to George Takei about Artie having to lay down during the show last week. He said that he's worried about him and he has some deep, deep insecurity inside of him and he needs to take care of that. Howard said that George is going to be in next week so they can talk to him about that then.
Artie said that he has to get busy on that PSA he was going to do. He said that he promised George that he was going to make that happen. Howard let Lisa go after that and mentioned that she was out in the hall earlier talking about her solid bowel movements that she gets from eating plenty of fiber. Artie said that he didn't know that the G in her name stood for Gross.
Howard played the clip of Demi talking about the leach therapy with Dave and how it will detoxify the blood. Howard said he knew that this was going to get Robin interested in doing that. Robin said that she doesn't need to do that because she does other things to detoxify herself.
Howard said he thought that leach therapy was just hanging out with Ralph. He played more of the clip of Demi talking about this strange therapy she's doing. She told Dave about how they start on her belly button and that's the worst spot to start on her. Howard told Robin not to laugh at all of this because she'll probably end up doing it.
Demi was talking about the leach crawling into her belly button and biting into her and then sucking the blood. Artie said that Demi has an every day leach with that Ashton Kutcher dude.
Demi was talking about taking a turpentine bath which was another one of her wacky therapies. Howard said that this is all just too much money and spare time. Demi was saying that she's going back for more leach therapy. Howard said that she doesn't look good from all of that, she's looking good from being tightened up. She won't talk about that stuff though.
Howard talked about the disturbing cover of a magazine that Demi posed on with her daughters looking very sexual. They spent a minute on that and Howard told Robin that he knows that she'll be doing this in a few months.
Howard took a call from Wheels who said that Demi was looking really good on that show last night. He asked Howard if he thinks that she'd ever come on his show. Howard said that she probably wouldn't ever do their show. He said that some publicists think that getting a front page story on the Daily News is going to be bigger than doing his show. He said that pre-merger they have probably 6 million people listening. He said that after the merger they'll probably have 7 million listening to his show and that's more than even watch Leno or Letterman.
Howard said that he sees the power of satellite already and they can get Mark the Bagger as the number one most searched name on google when he's on. He said that he sees the company growing by leaps and bounds once the merger goes through.
Robin said that the show is still big because the Ryan Phillippe interview was making news all over the place last week. Howard played some news reports after that where they talked about some of the stuff that Ryan revealed on the show.
Howard talked about that E! news report that he had just played an kind of made fun of the way they were reporting on it.
Robin wanted to know how Jim is doing since the Elliot Spitzer thing because he was very close to the guy. Howard said that this new Governor, David Paterson, is revealing even more stuff. Today he revealed that he used to do cocaine and smoke pot. He said that the next thing they know they'll be hearing that he killed a couple of people or something. Howard said that this new governor may have to step down too. There are some other shady things that he's done that could get him into trouble.
Howard said that if they get rid of Patterson then this guy Bruno would be up next. Robin said that he's apparently under investigation for something too. She said that it's getting ridiculous with what these politicians are up to.
A caller asked Howard about this bowling event and suggested that they get Jessica Hahn to compete. Howard said that they did a bowling show with Jessica one time and she did good. He said that she might have to be part of the seniors tour though. He said that they could have her go up against Blue Iris or maybe Amy Lynn or someone like that. Howard said that may have to wait for the second season.
Howard said that place sounds like a great place with the choice of food they have. Howard said that his parents go to a Chinese food buffet and he just can't go to stuff like that. He said that if he sees that much food he has to eat it all.
Robin said that Jim was telling her about the Meet the Creeps DVDs he does and how they'll go to a buffet and just sit down at the buffet tables and eat right from there. Richard said that he used to go to a buffet and used their list online for the list of stuff that they serve.
Richard said that place got shut down with 180 health violations and one of the issues was taking used food and putting it back into the buffet.
Howard said that he liked that episodes she was on even though he stopped watching the show. He said he used to be a big fan of the show but gave up on it. Richard said he didn't find her character believable and couldn't get into the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Pam Anderson and how she just had her marriage annulled. Robin said that they're saying that they did it because they had done it on a dare because of something they had bet in a card game and that's why they had it annulled.
Howard said that he was thinking of knocking down his therapy to 2 days a week but his shrink told him that's not going to happen. He said that he has to keep going 3 days a week. He said he tries to tell his shrink that he's doing okay but the guy knows him too good and knows he needs to continue the 3 days.
Howard said that he doesn't understand this Pam Anderson and some of the stuff she talks about when he hangs out with her. He said that she's all over the place with her discussions. He said that he finds her delightful but doesn't make a lot of sense.
Howard said he's spoken to Pam about these wacky marriages she's had and she always talks about how she's not going to do it again. Then she goes out and does it. He said that he thinks that she's just crazy.
Artie said that he heard a replay of the old show where they went to her hotel room and hung out with her and some friends. Howard said that he was trying to get her into the shower and undressed but he wasn't able to make that happen. He said that they still had fun though.
Howard said that Pam named her kids Brandon and Dillon and he thinks that she named them after the characters on ''Beverly Hills 90210.'' He said that someone said she named Dillon after Bob Dylan but he's not sure about that.
Howard took another call and talked more about the merger. The caller said that he hasn't listened to regular radio in 2 years since getting satellite. He said that Howard is ahead of the curve and he is the genius of himself, just like Pat Cooper would say.
The guys were also talking about Barack Obama and playing some clips of this reverend talking about him. It wasn't the reverend that Barack is friends with though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that John the Stutterer did another great show last night. He said that he has his speech problem but other than that he's got his act together. They were going to play some clips but Gary told him that JD was a little behind today with the clips.
JD came in to explain to Howard what the problem was. He said that he didn't have a chance to go through it yet because the FTP site that he usually gets it from was full. Howard told Gary to take care of that and make sure that doesn't happen again. Gary said that was the first he was hearing of it. JD said that he'll have clips available later.
Howard asked how old John the Stutterer is. Artie thinks that he's like 42 or so. Howard said he was about to go into his Lenny Dykstra rap but he had to go to break.
The phone caller asked Howard if anyone had pulled tape of Billy Joel and his wife on Oprah Winfrey's show. Howard said he saw the show. The caller said that it was basically about how Billy's wife designed their house and wrote a cook book but it seemed that Billy felt awkward being there and didn't want to be there at all. He wondered if Howard got that from the appearance too.
Howard said he's right about that and he was probably there to support his wife. He said that Billy is an icon and a musical genius right up there with the Beatles. He said that he felt Oprah Winfrey did not treat him properly and didn't appreciate who he is. He said that he was probably there to sing just to help his wife out. He felt that Oprah didn't have any chemistry with him and she was very judgmental about Billy and his driving drunk and all of that.
Howard said that he didn't have to fly out there to sing a song for Oprah and she really didn't treat him the right way when he did. He said that he hasn't spoken to Billy or his wife since then but he thinks that they're lovely people. Robin said that Oprah was raving about James Blunt and not doing that for Billy who has put out hundreds of great songs.
Howard said that Oprah didn't deserve that interview and he'd love to have the two of them there to do an interview. He said he'd have much more interesting questions than Oprah did.
The caller asked Howard if Billy would ever come in to do an interview. Howard said he hopes not. He said the guy is a fascinating man and he's not sure he'd want him to come in and do an interview. He said it would be awkward at this point to do the interview. Billy would probably be worried about him bringing up some of the stuff they've discussed in the past. He said that he would have him on but he'd be kind of afraid of what would come up.
Artie said that there Billy Joel is really the one who has 2 hours of hit after hit songs when he does a concert. He said that guy really has more hits any even Bruce Springsteen does. He said that a lot of the songs you hear at a Springsteen concert are songs that are just for the hard core fans.
Jon Hein came in and talked about how great Billy is when he does a concert and it just didn't come across on Oprah's show how great he really is.
Howard and the guys talked about that James Blunt guy and how he's really only had one hit song but Oprah is all over him.
Robin said that Lewis Black is doing a show on Comedy Central called ''The Root of All Evil'' and they had Oprah as one of those things. Artie said that they have two comedians arguing about what's more evil on the show and she was one of the subjects. He thinks that Oprah was the winner in the one show she was mentioned.
Howard played a James Blunt song parody with Crackhead Bob singing ''You're Beautiful.'' Howard said they had talked about the merger enough today so he threw out the notes he had on that. Then he spent a minute talking about how excited he's going to be if the FCC actually approves the merger. He said that he'll be jumping up and down when that happens. Robin said she'll be doing that too but in the privacy of her own home.
Howard asked if Robin was excited that Jim was there. She said she was very nervous. She's afraid that something might happen and screw up their relationship. They haven't discussed what they can or can't discuss on the show. Howard wanted to go to break but Robin told him not to do that because she doesn't want the cameras following her around during the break.
Howard said that the Howard TV guys had a big heart over her head. The guys were goofing around with her about Jim and she was sounding a big nervous.
Artie said that they've found that there's nothing that offends Jim and he wondered if Robin has found anything like that. Robin said that she'll leave that up to Howard to find out when he interviews him. They went to break a short time later.
Jim said that he was told by Ronnie that he's looking like Fred. He said that his impression is so good that it really sounds like him on the air.
Howard told Jim that he's looking good these days. Jim said he never said that before he started going out with Robin. Robin said that he's a good looking guy. Howard said that she's looking good too so they're doing good for each other.
Jim said that he is kind of nervous today but it won't be as bad as last time when he had to talk about his girlfriend dying. Howard said that he's kind of considered about the way this relationship is being handled. He said he gets that they want some things private but even his relationship with Shuli is damaged. He said that Shuli is a friend of Jim's and he said something to Robin about Jim farting and Jim hasn't been talking to him.
Shuli came in and said that he was telling a story off the air about Jim about Jim farting and making his girlfriend throwing up and now Jim is saying that he got texts from Jim saying he can't trust him.
Jim said he told Shuli not to talk to Robin about that story because he wanted to do it on the air. Then the next day he went in and told Robin the story first thing. Howard said that this is why he's worried about their relationship because he's trying to hide his real life from Robin.
Howard told Jim to let out a fart right then but Shuli told him that it would clear the whole studio. He said that he really didn't just blurt that story out to Robin but she said that he grabbed her to tell her the story.
Howard said that reporting that story to Robin could screw things up. He said that they don't do that to Shuli and tell his girlfriend about weird things that he does, if he did any that is.
Jim said that he does hold in his farts around Robin but he's done that around every chick he's been with. He said that he still goofs around with her when they go out. He just doesn't fart. He said that he'll put in their name as Steve Langford when they go out to eat and stuff like that.
Howard said that he sees Jim's point about the farting thing. He said that he wouldn't want his buddies telling Beth about the stuff he does. Shuli said that it's not like he was telling Robin about something that Jim has never done before. Jim said that it's different when he's dating someone. He said that you just shouldn't be telling some guy's girlfriend about stuff they do off the air.
Howard asked Jim if he and Robin are exclusive. Jim said yes to that and said that things are going very well. He said that they've been exclusive since the beginning, back in August, and he's happy. He said that Robin is low maintenance. Howard found that surprising. Jim said that she's not needy and doesn't text him all the time or anything like that.
Shuli said that Robin is fine until she hears a farting story. Robin said she wasn't upset about that. It was Jim who got upset with Shuli about that story coming out.
Howard asked Jim if he thinks he knows Robin. He said that he knows her pretty good. Howard said he was going to test them then. He said that he wanted to know how far along they were. He told Gary to get him a pen and paper for each of them and he was going to ask them 13 questions.
Artie said that Jim Florentine doesn't have an ounce of bullshit in him. Howard asked Jim if he was in love. Jim said that they're not at that point yet. He said that she knows how he feels about her, he told her. He said that they've been together for 7 months and it's going to go slow but it's building nicely. He said that he wouldn't rule it out that she's the one for him. Robin said that she didn't know what they were talking about and threatened to poke out her ear drums.
Howard predicted that if Jim did pop the question, Robin would say yes. Howard said that Jim has a good heart and he really seems like a good guy for Robin. He said that he might start calling Jim again if this keeps up. He said that he used to call him but he hasn't spoken to him lately. Howard then said that he and Jim have actually been speaking secretly off the air.
Jim said that he really doesn't fart in front of his girlfriends. He said he's good like that. He said that he can't even go out and fart outside a room because they're known to follow him back in. Howard said he doesn't think that Jim would give up other pussy if he wasn't in love with Robin. Howard asked if he thinks his penis is bigger than Mr. X's. He said ''probably not.''
Howard asked Jim about the size of his balls and if they're really that big. Jim said that they used to be really big but they've gone down in size over the years. He said he's not sure why that is but he did have a couple of years when they were really big.
Howard gave Jim some plugs for some upcoming gigs he had and for his new CD ''Anger is a Gift'' which is available through his web site JimFlorentine.com.
Howard took a call for Jim and let one guy go off on Shuli about what he did to Jim. Then he asked Robin and Jim to write down their answer to ''What was the last movie you saw together?'' They thought about it for a minute and then gave their answers. Robin had ''Savages'' and Jim said ''Rambo.'' Robin said that the last one they saw in the theater was Rambo but the last move they saw in the hotel was ''Savages.''
Howard said that they screwed up the easy question. Yucko the Clown called in and said that Jim is more whipped than Robin's ancestors ever were.
Howard asked ''Who is Robin's best friend?'' Robin didn't know she even had a best friend. Howard told the two of them to write down an answer. Robin said that Jim won't get this one. She wrote down Kathy. Jim wrote down Sheila.
Howard asked ''What is the last thing you disagreed over?'' Fred, as Jim, said that it was the last answer. Artie was eating through this whole interview so Howard pointed that out. Howard asked them again what they last disagreed over but Robin was talking too much. Robin didn't have an answer and neither did Jim.
Howard asked Jim if he's had a change of mind about marriage after meeting Robin. He didn't really have an answer. Howard asked if Jim had met Robin's mother yet. That hasn't happened but Robin said that will happen when it happens. Jim did meet her nephew. He said that he liked the kid and he hopes that he liked him. Robin said that she has told her mother about Jim and she has asked about him.
Howard said that Jim must give it to Robin very hard. Jim didn't answer so Howard asked why they don't admit that they've had sex. Robin said she doesn't want to go to the next question after that question. Howard said that it must be about using lube or something. He said that he doesn't think that she needs K-Y or anything and she must get really wet for him. Robin was laughing like crazy while that was being discussed. She said that she won't answer that one though.
Howard asked why they never see the two of them kissing in public. Jim said that they just don't do that in public. He said that he knows that Howard and Beth are all over each other in public.
Gary came in and said that he needed to know the circumstances of when they did it for the first time. Howard figured it was about 2 weeks in. Then he said it was probably 23 minutes in. Robin said that she and Jim tried to throw everyone off their trail in the beginning.
Howard asked how often Robin and Jim see each other. They said that it's once or twice a week. They can't spend every day together. Howard said that he thinks that Robin and Jim must have done it pretty quick because even Fred did it with Allison on the first night. Fred said it was probably 3 dates. Howard said it was at least 6 dates. Fred didn't think it could have been that long.
Robin said that hey were all wrong and it was at least 10 dates out. Jim said that he was having a tough time after what he went through with his ex-girlfriend. He said that he's still in therapy over that. Jim said that their first kiss was about the 4th date in.
Howard asked Jim what Robin's bra size is. He told him to write down the answer but Robin kept saying that he wouldn't know that. Jim wrote down 38-DDD. Robin said that it's actually a 36-DD.
Howard asked Jim and Robin ''Who is Jim's favorite comedian?'' They wrote down their answers for that and Robin said ''Andrew Dice Clay'' and so did Jim. They finally got one right.
Howard asked ''What's Robin's most irritating habit?'' Robin didn't know how to answer that one. Howard told her to just write something down. Jim said that he didn't have an answer for that one. Artie said that was Jim being a smart guy not screwing anything up. Robin said that she wrote down laughter. Jim said he actually wrote down ''her stories are a little long.'' He knew that he was going to catch shit for that. Artie said he can picture that happening and Robin telling Jim that she didn't want to bore him with her stories.
Howard asked one last question. That was ''What is the most attractive physical thing about Robin?'' Jim asked how to spell labia. Jim said that Robin's face is the best, Robin said it was her ass.
Robin started to give Jim a hard time about the long stories thing. She was goofing on him about that a little bit. Jim got in some more plugs for the shows he has coming up and then went to the phones. Jim quickly mentioned that they don't need lube when they do it.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked Jim if he's ever titty fucked those funbags. Robin was shocked that she would ask something like that. Mariann was saying that Robin's attitude has changed since she started dating him and it's great. Howard said that he figures that Jim wouldn't concentrate on her boobs because that's what she'd expect. Jim said that he hasn't titty fucked her yet. He said that if he does he'll do it while she's telling one of her long stories.
Robin seemed to be focusing on that one complaint he had about her and said that she's asked him about the stories before and he said that they were fine. The guys were saying that Robin's laugh isn't that annoying and they actually like it and said it saves the show sometimes. Howard said he likes her laugh because it makes him feel funny.
Sal came in and said that he's very happy for the two of them. He said he wanted to ask one question. He asked them to tell them what the size of Robin's areolas were. He had some coins and asked Jim to give them an answer on that. Jim pointed to the CD Sal had and said that was the size.
Gary came in and asked how things work financially. He asked who pays for what. Jim said that they both pay. He said that she'll pay for dinner and then he'll pay for the tolls on the way home. He said he actually pays for dinner and he'll pay for going away on trips and stuff like that and then she'll pay. They fly first class when they go on vacation and stuff but he has frequent flyer miles that he can use for that.
Howard asked Jim if he's annoyed by Robin's diet drinks and stuff like that. He said that none of that bothers him, he likes that she's trying to be healthy.
Robin said that the thing that swayed her toward thinking that Jim was serious for her was when he told her that he had done some research about some restaurants that she would be happy with.
Richard came in and asked Jim what Robin's shaving pattern is down there. Robin started laughing really hard. Jim didn't answer. Howard said that he's heard that she shaves down some of it but not all of it. Richard asked if Jim's friend Crack Finger has met Robin yet. Jim said that he hasn't but some of his friends have met her. He said that Don Jamieson, who was there with him today, had met her. He said that his friend Crack Finger is a guy who sticks his finger in his crack and puts it in people's faces.
Mariann asked if Jim and Robin have drawers in each other's places. They don't. They just bring stuff when they hang out.
Howard said that he's happy that they're coming out in the open and talking about some of this. He said that he thinks that Robin has been made whole again with Jim. He thinks that she doesn't have to use lube anymore and that's because of Jim. Robin wasn't saying a word about that.
Howard asked Jim if he's ever smelled coffee coming out of her ass. He said that she really doesn't tell him not to do stuff like some people think. She didn't tell him to stop doing Miserable Men or anything like that.
Howard said that he's very happy for the two of them. Jim said that he thinks that they met at the right time in their lives. Artie said that Jim went through a lot with his girlfriend killing herself. Jim said that going through something like that can really change a person.
Howard gave a pop quiz and asked Robin what Jim's mother's name was. She said it was Diane. Howard asked Jim what her mother's name was. It was Louise. Both of them were right. Howard said that now they're on to something. If they had missed that question he would have told them to give up and move along.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Jim how Robin is at a good ol' blowie. He wanted an answer from 1 to 10. Howard said that Robin really wants to be good at that. Artie figured that only her stories were too long and that wasn't one of the things that go on too long. Howard figured that she wouldn't waste too much time down there and she'd just tell him to fuck her. She said that could happen.
Rev. Bob Levy called in and said that he's very happy for the kids dating and asked if Jim had eaten her ass yet. Jim said he would answer that and he has not done that.
Jim said that he's working on a lot of stuff and he's going to be doing a one man show. He said that he's working on that and has the CD out now. He said that he's going to get more personal and talk about the stuff he went through in his life like the guy who molested him when he was 14. He quickly went over that story again and said that the guy is still in prison as far as he knows. Robin said that she forgot about that and now she realizes that she's with a guy who sat on a guy's lap for some wrestling posters.
Jim said that he should be doing the Tonight Show sometime. He said that he's approved to do it and he's excited about that. He's also working on a couple of books. One of them is an autobiography and the other is about pranks. He talked about the buffet thing that they do where they sit down at the buffet table and eat right from there. He said that they'll bring little buckets to eat from and do that before going to sit at the table.
Howard asked Jim about hosting this bowling show that they're doing for Howard TV. Jim said that he spoke to Doug about it already. Howard went over the whole thing again anyway and told him what they need for the host. He said he has to keep the show moving along. Artie said that it would be like the complete opposite of Robin telling a story.
Howard asked Robin if she'd have a problem if Jim ran off with one of the girls from the show. She said that she would be hurt for a second but she'd move on. She said that things would be okay if he decided to move on. Jim gave her a ''Wow'' when he heard that.
Gary asked Robin if they had a hot chick in there and Jim went to grab her boobs, would there be an issue. She said there wouldn't be an issue at all. She said that she doesn't know him. She said that she really wouldn't have a problem with it. Jim said ''Okay Gary, bring the girl in.''
Howard said that Jim has been on the show for a long time now and wondered if Robin would have a problem with him coming in if they broke up. Robin said she's fine with whatever happens. Jim said that he might have to go on Imus' show and go after the black chick there if that happened.
Howard asked Robin about this renaissance that has happened to her with the lube. She told Howard that she never said that she needed lube ''every'' time she did it. Things haven't changed that much. Howard thanked Jim for coming in and started to wrap up with him. Artie said that he thinks that Jim is going to be going with him to entertain the troops this year. Jim said he didn't know that Artie had asked Robin to go along with them. He said that's fine with him but she's just got to promise to keep those stories short. He said he was just kidding about that and he thinks that she's very entertaining. Howard said that he's gone out with Jim and Robin before and just realized that Jim didn't get a word in edgewise. He went to break a short time later.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. Steve said they'll have more on Kenneth Keith Kallenbach and his alleged kidnapping incident. He was rumored to have been driving his mother's car when he allegedly approached the girl.
Howard said that every time Artie comes into the room his monitor goes out. Artie thought he was doing a fat joke but Howard said he wasn't joking. Fred said that he has a similar problem with one of his monitors.
Steve said that they spoke to Stuttering John and he's not backing down on the comments about the low pay he was getting when he was working there. They'll have more on that and on the SIRIUS-XM merger. Riley Martin is taking credit for the merger being approved by the DOJ. That led to the guys playing clips of Riley saying ''Now UHHH'' and other stuff.
Steve said they'll have more about Benjy trying to become Paris Hilton's new BFF. He got in some plugs for tonight's Jackie's Joke Hunt show and Riley Martin Show.
Jon Hein came in and brought up the subjects they were going to cover today on the Wrap Up Show. He mentioned the Jim and Robin thing so Howard asked Jon if he thinks that Robin would say yes if Jim asked her to marry him. Jon thinks that she would but Robin told them that they were all silly.
Jon ran down a few more things that they'd be covering today on the Wrap Up Show. Howard asked Robin if she's going to shorten her stories now. She said that she's going to stop telling them all together.
Artie was thinking that he'd be a great guy to date that hot chick that Adam is dancing with. Howard said that he thinks that Adam or Penn will get voted off tonight.
Howard said that the Howard TV guys were in the bathroom with Sal who was shitting without taking his newspaper in with him. The guys were all freaking out watching it on the monitors. Howard had to make them turn it off before he threw up. Artie was shocked that they had sunk to watching Sal shitting. Artie said that they showed him wiping his ass and showing the paper. He said that this was, once again, a human resources issue and he was not alright.
Howard had Robin get back to her news so they could get off of that subject. Robin read a story about this band the Jonas Brothers that are really big with little kids. The guys ended up talking about Led Zeppelin and how they'd like to see them do another reunion tour but Howard said he can't look at how old those guys look now. He and Artie ended up singing with each other doing some Zeppelin songs.
Howard heard that Lisa G was inspecting Sal's hemorrhoid out there. He went to her out in the hall and she was saying that she did take a look just to see what was going on down there. She said that he was just a little inflamed down there. Howard let her go within a few seconds. He said that she's really committed to her job and not too many reporters would go that far for a story.
Robin said that there's a rumor that Fleetwood Mac is being reunited with Sheryl Crow as the lead singer. Sheryl is kind of backing off of that claim now though. It's still a possibility though. Howard said that he'd go see that show. That led to the guys singing some Fleetwood Mac and Stevie Nicks songs. Howard was trying to think of some song names but he was having some trouble. Fred thought Howard was talking about certain songs but Howard told him that wasn't right. They were all trying to help Howard come up with one song but had no luck.
Robin got back to her news and read through another story about some singer whose husband had died. Then Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Billy Joel impression. He sang a couple of songs for them. Howard asked for more Billy Joel songs but he picked one that was kind of obscure so he hung up on him.
Robin read a story about how McDonalds restaurants are offering some healthy meals now. That led to the guys goofing on them about how they've had shit food for all these years and all of a sudden they're offering a healthy menu. Howard said it sounds like they're being forced into doing that since people are eating so unhealthy these days.
Robin read some news about David Patterson, the new New York Governor. She had some news about the Detroit Mayor getting into some trouble as well. She played some clips about those two.
Gary told Howard that Jim Florentine was number 6 on the Google Trends list today. Artie wondered why none of them ever end up on that list.
Robin read through some more stories about a bunch of various things. She brought up Owen Wilson's new movie. That led to Howard talking about how he's out dating but he was suicidal just a few months ago. He thinks that once you are suicidal, you should be taken out of the dating pool.
Robin had a story about the movie ''21'' and had some clips of Kevin Spacey talking about that. Howard said he didn't care and cut off that clip.
Robin wrapped up her news a short time later. Howard ended the show around 10:40am.
Gary said that if it were another person the probing probably would have gone deeper. Jon said that he really wants to know what's going on there but Howard wasn't able to get to that. He said that he wanted to know if they spoke before the show to talk about what they were going to discuss and not discuss. Gary said they both claim they didn't do that.
Jon said that Jim and Robin both said goodbye but didn't lean in to kiss or anything like that. They get scrutinized about everything they do though so that's understandable too.
Jon had Teddy play a clip of Jim revealing that maybe Robin's stories are a little long. After playing the clip Gary said that Jim assumed that it was okay to bring that up because Robin had brought it up to him first.
Jon said that he's not sure how you prepare for something like that and Jim must have had a lot going through his head. Gary said that he predicted that this was going to be awkward and when they break up it's going to get even more awkward.
Gary said he hopes he's not in the Middle East in June and hearing from Jim what a pain in the ass Robin is. Artie asked Gary why he thinks they're going there in June. He went on to talk about how they're going to be bringing Jim out there with them and Robin might be going too. Artie said that would change the whole dynamic of the show out there.
Gary said that it would be great if Robin came and they bunked her up with them in the same room. Artie said that it was a long shot that Robin would be able to go but he was just floating the idea for her. He said that they should be packed to the rafters if the other guys agree to go.
Artie said that he went out to dinner with Howard, Beth Robin and Jim so he got a good feel for where they were at. He thinks that they really do enjoy each other's company and they're doing great. Gary said that he still thinks that they were a little awkward today though.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if any of the guys have ever seen Robin as nervous as she was today. Gary said that she doesn't usually get star struck or anything but this is different because she's actually dating this guy.
Artie said that he was nervous today too and that's why he was eating so much. He said that he was telling Robin that Jim is really one of the nicest people he's ever met in show business. He said that he wasn't looking to bust his chops today so he got in a few one liners and that was it.
Gary said he didn't want to be the guy to throw Jim under the bus either. He said that he remembered a story about Jim banging some chick in a bathroom one time and he wondered where that guy went. Artie said that Jim and Shuli's confrontation was a first for him. He had never seen Jim get upset with someone like that before.
Jon said he could see why Jim would get upset with Shuli if he had told him not to say anything to Robin. He thought he just wanted to defend the smell of his fart ''on the air'' and didn't think it was bad to say it off the air.
Gary said that all guys go through stuff like that and change for a woman for a while. They eventually get back to being themselves and do start farting in front of the women.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she thinks that Jim is a sweet guy at heart. She said that the interview seemed to be kind of short and they didn't get into enough detail. She said that they didn't really miss anything but they weren't answering the questions in a lot of detail. She said that Robin should be enjoying it and joke around about it more. Gary said he gets that but he can't imagine Robin giving the blow by blow details of her having sex.
Gary said that he was telling Howard 100 News yesterday about how this is when they miss Stuttering John because he would be right in there asking for details.
Artie said that Fred's daughter was outside the studio there. She was getting big according to Artie. They were trying to figure out how old she was. They eventually found out she was 5.
Jim Florentine came in around that time so they asked him how his long winded girlfriend was. Jim said she tried to send him a text but it was like 7 pages long. He said he knew that he'd get into trouble no matter what answer he gave for that question. He said that nothing really irritates him about her. He said that his phone bill should go down because she'll be less winded from now on.
Jon asked Jim if he knew it was going to go as smooth as it went. Jim said he lucked out and it did go pretty smooth. Gary said they must not have done their jobs very well if he feels it went okay. Artie said that they couldn't really bust his balls too much with that stuff.
Artie was kind of disturbed by Mariann from Brooklyn calling in and asking Jim if he had titty fucked Robin yet. He said that was really gross to him because it was like his aunt asking that question.
Jon asked Jim about some of the other things that Jim and Robin talked about. Jim said that he was fine with Robin talking about anything.
Shuli asked if there was anything that they missed. Jim said he thinks they covered pretty much everything. Gary asked Jim what he thought when he used to hear the news reports where they asked the fans to call in if they saw Jim and Robin out. Jim said that he didn't want to turn it into a bit for the air so it was kind of annoying to him. He said that he knew that anyone he ran into could possibly call the news and report stuff about him.
Jim said that he and Robin went to the movies one time and a fan showed up and said that he wasn't going to call the news. Then on Monday the guy called the news and spilled the beans.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Jim got into trouble for something that was written in a publicity thing that was put out by his people. Jim said that Robin knew that he wouldn't put that in himself so she knew that it was just something that his publicity people put out there.
Jon asked Jim what his take is on the Girls Night Out thing that Robin is doing. Jim said he's not part of it but he's happy with it. He said that he'd go to the charity event if he had to. He has no problem with that. Gary said that it's ''her'' charity event so it's probably something that he'll have to go to.
Artie told a story about going to summer school and graduating with just one other kid. He said that he and his buddy Danny were the only two there and they had to make the principal come up from the Jersey Shore to do the graduation thing. They did a full graduation thing with the color guard there and their parents there.
A caller told the guys that he couldn't tell Fred apart from Jim and he thought the show was great. Jim said that Fred really is great doing that voice. He said that people think that he's raunchier than he really is because of the stuff Fred says. Artie said that it's great to be able to do voices like that and do characters that let you say really outrageous things.
Another caller congratulated Jim on his score with Robin and how he seems to be opening her up to more stuff. He said that it sounds like she's been doing the blow job thing from what he could tell during that discussion. Artie said that they can't get anything past that guy.
Benjy asked Jim about being exclusive with Robin and if he had to cut any chicks off when he started going out with her. Jim said he didn't. He didn't even know if he wanted a relationship at that time. He said it was just a date to see how things went.
Jim said that he can't get on some shows around the country because of his connection to the show. He said that he has a lot of show appearances canceled when these people do some research about him on the web.
A caller asked Jim if he ever has problems with holding the farts in and hurting his stomach. Jim said that of course he does. He said that he'll drop off his date and let out a fart and just hopes that she didn't forget her pocket book in the car.
Jim said that Robin is really cool to hang out with and she's not all bossy or needy at all. She's got a bunch of stuff going on and doesn't call him asking where he's at all the time or anything like that.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that it seems like Howard might have some jealousy about not being the man in Robin's life. Gary asked him how that came to him. The guy said that it was something that Howard said about her shaving herself down there. Gary told him they were just jokes. The caller thought there was some truth to those jokes though.
Benjy said that a lot of people think that Howard and Robin have had a fling together. Gary said that he doesn't believe that. He said they've joked about it but he doesn't think that's the case. Artie said that was Benjy bringing the show to another grinding halt.
Jon took a couple of phone calls. One guy said that he was going to go see Jim in Dallas and wondered if he could smell his fingers. Jim said that people do that and he tells people that he just had them in his asshole. He said he's had people threaten to beat him up when he does that.
A caller asked Jim if Robin knows how to pronounce his last name. Jim said of course she does. The guy thought that they were saying the wrong name on the show or something but they've had it right for a long time now. Jim said he wishes that it was Florenstein and he was Jewish.
Another caller said that he can't wait to see Jim out at his show this weekend because he likes to see him in the bathrooms at the clubs he goes to. The guy asked Jim if he feels he's getting Robin on the rebound. No one was thinking that. Artie said that he didn't like this guy's subtle racism saying that Robin was good at a rebound.
Artie was goofing on Teddy about his hair cut and how odd that looked. He said he wanted to say something about that but he wasn't able to put it subtly. He was making some gay jokes about him and said that the only drugs he scored down in Florida were AZT.
Artie told a story about how he and Dana were in a hotel room one time and Dana was going through the channels and ran across the E! show where he was feeling up this Jessica Jaymes chick. He said it was like God was playing a joke on him. Dana didn't give him any sex that night because of that show. He said he couldn't blame her for being angry. He said she was fine the next morning and knew where to go.
Artie said that he gets into fights with chicks on the first date. Gary said that's because he doesn't have much movement on stuff that he does. He doesn't like to do things that he doesn't want to do. Artie said that's because he's heterosexual.
Artie said that he came home from doing some gigs one time and told Dana that he didn't want to go to her cousin's wedding. He said that he refused to go and just wanted to throw money at the situation. That's the kind of stuff that he knows were a problem for Dana.
Gary said that he has tape of Artie talking about Dana after his first date with her and he was a completely different guy back then. Artie said he knows but things are over for him now.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Jim if he thinks that Robin is embarrassed of him. Jim asked why. The guy said that she won't kiss him and Robin's mother refers to him as her ''friend'' and things like that. Jim said that most chicks are embarrassed by him but he doesn't think that's the case. He said that neither of them are known for their public displays of affection.
Artie said that he's pretty sure that Robin has never dated a guy who has had a Zabra Cadabra t-shirt. Jim said that he has 3 of them and he hires that band to do his parties. Artie said he might have to hire them to do his party this summer.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Jim deserves the chance to feel up a woman in the studio since Robin had Wyclef Jean simulating sex with her. Jim said that's cool, now he has a credit. He said he can dry hump some chick at a show sometime and not get in trouble for it. They had to go to break after that.
Jon let Jim go after that and took a phone call. The caller brought up the Middle East trip they have coming up and how he's driven some VIPs around when he's been there. He gave them some advice on the bullet proof vests and how they can weigh 15-20 pounds. Artie is going to be up around 320 pounds in that case. The heat is going to be bad there too. The guy said that he could send them out some extra hydra packs to use when they're there. Gary said that he might need them for Jets games so he told him to send them along.
Jon said that this new bowling show that Howard TV is doing is something that Scott the Engineer sounds interested in. Scott was in to talk about that and said that it was all about the bowling, not even about the girls.
Gary asked Scott about some of the terms they use in the game to make sure he could help host or to the color commentary. Scott said that he's come close to bowling a 300 game but he hasn't quite hit it yet. He said that he's had a 299 and a 290 a couple of times.
Doug Goodstein said that they still have to do some contract negotiations with Scott to make sure that they can work that out. Scott said he's going to have his agent Gary the Retard talk to him about that.
Doug said that Jim is a good choice to host the show and he won't make it all about himself like some people would. He mentioned Rev. Bob Levy as one who would make it about himself. Doug said that Ralph Howard might be okay in that role too.
Gary said that if you google Billy Joel and Scott the Engineer pictures, they look like they could be twins. Scott said that's what happens when you get older.
A caller said that Howard mentioned that Oprah didn't give Billy Joel enough time on her show but he thinks that Howard is the same way on his show. Gary said that Howard was pointing out that Billy has an amazing body of work and Oprah wasn't mentioning that. She usually kisses her guests asses too and she wasn't doing that with Billy.
Another caller asked Gary if he's scared to go over to the Middle East. Gary said that he's really not. He said he's not even sure where exactly he's going but he thinks that he'll be safe wherever they send him.
Jon asked Doug about the bowling show and the casting they're doing for it. Doug said that they have a lot of girls to interview. They have some very hot chicks showing up for it too. Doug said that the show should be airing in mid-May and it will be 4 episodes long. The guys talked about how excited Scott seemed to be today talking about this new show.
Sal talked about how painful the procedure is when you have hemorrhoids removed. He said that it's just awful. The guys also talked about the shit songs that they played during the show today. That led to Sal talking about how he had put paper on the toilet seat even though Gary didn't think he had. He said that he even makes a little bed for his penis when goes to the bathroom. He told the guys that on a flight recently he went to the bathroom and took a shit and his penis ended up dipping into the blue water so it was dripping blue water when he stood up.
The guys took one more call from a guy who asked why Gary was going to the Middle East. He said that he's going to be hosting the show or something. He won't be doing comedy. the caller didn't think that anyone would find that entertaining if he went to do comedy or something. The guys had to end the show a short time later.
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Howard started off the show talking about the Scott Ferrall show and how he had broken his ankle. He said that it was a weird story how it happened. Gary came in and told the story about how he had gotten into an argument with an Asian guy. The guy ended up pushing Ferrall and he fell off a curb and broke his ankle. Then they were calling each other names. Gary said that this was his second street fight of the year too.
Gary said that Scott said that when the cops came they thought that he was in an aggressive mood because of that gravely voice he has. He was apparently calling the Asian guy every racist name in the book. He even called the guy the N-word.
Artie came walking in so Howard had to retell the story. Artie said that he got into a fight a long time ago but he was on coke at that point.
Howard said that he can't imagine why he called an Asian guy the n-word. Gary said that the guy that Ferrall fought didn't even know who he was.
Artie said that he was at a wedding with Ferrall a few weeks ago and he can see why he'd get into a fight the way he talks to people. He said that he calls his wife 34-C wherever they go too. Howard said that it would be great if every woman was referred to by their cup size. He said that they should have been doing that with Robin right from the start.
Gary said that Artie was eating while that song was playing so that was pretty funny. Artie sang a song about Mike saying that ''Mike Morse used to open for Artie Lange...''
Howard said that he tends to be on these lists of ugly guys with hot chicks. He said that they're going to make Beth think that he's really ugly. He said that she really thinks that he's good looking and these lists aren't going to help him out.
Howard talked about how Jennifer Lopez's husband, Marc Anthony, is a really ugly dude and he can see why he'd be on a list like that. He went on to talk about how these articles must make his kids feel. He said that he hates to open the paper and read that kind of stuff.
Howard said that Beth is going to read this stuff and think that he's ugly. He said that they take these articles and talk about them on TV shows which makes it even worse. He played a clip from a TV show where they talked about this article he was talking about. They mention Howard, Donald Trump and a few other guys that they find to be ugly.
Howard said that his heart sinks when he sees a picture of he and Beth in the paper. He just wonders what's coming when he sees something like that. He goes to the psychiatrist and the guy wonders why he has low self esteem. This is just one reason why.
Howard said that was kind of fun to wake up to that. Another great day for him. Artie said that the article really was mean too. He said that they were brutal the way they talk about Howard. Artie said that at least Howard is famous and ugly.
The report mentioned Arthur Miller who was only 11 years older than Marilyn Monroe but looked like he was 40 years older than her.
Howard said that when women meet him they are stunned at how good looking he really is. He said that he must have that effect on Benjy because he always stares at him. Benjy said that there are scientists who can look at a face and tell you if you're good looking or not. He said they do a symmetry test.
Howard said that he's glad that women will look at him for his money. He said he never thought he'd make any.
Howard said that they claim that they have watermarked the show and if it falls into the wrong hands they will sue him. He said that scares him, he doesn't want to get sued. He was going to give it to Robin and she could give it to Ralph but now he's too afraid to do that.
Howard said that the first show is great. Jon Hein came in and said that he could get a copy of the first show from Sci-Fi if he wanted. He didn't get the same letter that Howard did. He said that they're afraid that the show is going to get posted online and that's why they warn people like that.
Howard said that the best show on TV is ''In Treatment'' but Battlestar Galactica isn't far behind. He said he couldn't wait to see that episode when he got the preview copy. He said that it was really cool.
Howard said that he loved the show but he can't remember the details of what happened. He said that's why he's the best person to send that kind of stuff to. He said he watched it all and loved it but he can't remember the plot or any other details. He said maybe that's being normal. Robin said that maybe that's so he doesn't clog up his brain with that stuff.
Howard said that they're going to make a real ending for this show because they're not going to keep the show going forever. He said that they need an end for these shows instead of dragging them out forever like they're doing with ''Lost.'' Howard said that he's hoping that they bring that to an end and stop dragging it out because he's put so many years into watching it.
Howard said that they're canceling Battlestar Galactica but they're going to have a prequel to the show. They're going to have a whole new cast. Robin said that's the kiss of death. She said they ruined Star Trek with the prequel show they did.
Howard said that the Joker is just an insane guy who fights like a retard. Robin said that she thinks that Predator would win if that was a real fight.
Howard wanted to know what the name of the site was where he saw that movie (DailyMotion.com). No one in the office knew what it was though. Howard said that it may have been his friend who sent him the link. That led to him talking about going to camp and how his kids love to go to camp. Gary said that Jon Hein's kids go to camp the day after they get out of school now.
Robin said that her mother gave her a cutting board one time as a gift and told her how it would make a great thing to beat kids with. She said she ended up throwing it out after hearing that.
Artie said that he probably would have benefited from going to camp but they wouldn't let him go. Howard said that he thinks that Jews love to send their kids to camp. He said that it's actually a good thing because it does make you independent and more social.
Howard said that 10 months out of the year he was like JD. When he went to camp he was like George Clooney and banging chicks. He said that he wishes that this guy Woody would call in to talk about how he almost fired him because he was fucking too many girls. He said that he was with a bunch of the girls and he was in a different tent every morning. He said he wanted to fire him but he wanted him to go along with him on the Western trip they went on.
Howard said that he did okay in camp but then he'd go home and no one would believe that he was fucking all of these girls. He said that he did okay in college but not as well as he did at summer camp. He said he became a very cool guy at camp. Robin said that would make a great movie. Howard said that he was a lot different at home than he was at camp and those camp kids could have found out what a douche he was.
Howard and Artie talked about this movie ''Can't Buy Me Love'' and how great that was. Howard said that's him in that movie.
Artie mentioned this really hot chick he saw on a magazine cover. Her name is Adriana Lima. Howard said that she really is hot and he had to look up her name in the magazine when he saw her.
Artie talked about how depressing it was when he found out that Pauly Shore was banging Jillian Grace years ago. That led to Howard playing some audio of some bits that Pauly Shore has been doing on the web. He had one where Pauly was talking about how he'd be a big comedian if he was just black.
Howard said that it would be easy to tell it was a guy if he had hair on his boobs. He said he knew a woman who had hair on her areolas and it was really disturbing. Robin told a story about someone who said that Jackie Onasis was rumored to be really hairy like that. That got Howard into his Kennedy impression and doing his ''Er-uh'' Boston accent. He was talking about the hair and tweezing nipples and things like that. He said that he wouldn't be able to fuck his wife during a full moon because she was like a werewolf. The guys all got a laugh out of that. Howard said that was Fred's line.
Artie brought up another article about some guy who was listed as being ''homely.'' They spent a few seconds on that before Howard got back to his Kennedy impression. He was saying that Jackie O was so hairy that she used to chase cars. He also said ''Stop peeing on the carpet Jackie.''
Howard took a call from Hook Nose Mike who said that Howard isn't that ugly, it's just when he stands next to Beth that he doesn't look that good. He said she's too good looking standing next to him. Howard said that there are some reporters out there who must be in love with Beth and when they see him with her, they get jealous and angry and take it out on him.
Howard said there was a little bit of a Freudian slip with Jim. He was being asked about something like feeling up chicks on the show and he said something about how no one's spouse would want that going on. Howard said those were the highlights from the Wrap Up Show.
Howard played a song parody that Mike Morse wrote about Jim being ''Mr. F'' to the tune of Mr. Ed. That led to Robin saying that the appearance Jim is making at the Gotham Comedy Club on Thursday is actually a fund raiser for a Suicide Prevention charity.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Artie falling asleep episode on Howard TV is hilarious. He and Howard talked about how funny that was when they had him in the recliner chair in the studio. The guy pointed out some of the funny details that were in that show.
The caller said that he can do a Ferrall voice too. Howard told him to go ahead and do that. He was actually very good but he didn't have much content. He said that he doesn't really listen to his show, he just gets the voice after hearing him a few times. The guy wanted to come in to visit the studio so Howard asked him if he wanted to fill in for Ferrall sometime. The guy's impression was good and they told him to work on it a little more.
The guys had him acting out the scene with the Asian guy and using the N-word. The guy was in the same league as Sour Shoes' impression. Howard told the guy that he could come in for a tour or something. The guy said he'd work on his impression and do a little bit or something.
Gary asked Howard if he wanted him to get Ferrall on the phone to tell his story. Howard said ''No!'' and said that the show would be over if they got him on the air. He tends to go on and on a little long.
Ralph asked what Gary is doing going to the Middle East. He said the guy is a dad and he's got a family to take care of. Howard said that Gary is a great outdoorsman and a great adventurer. He said that Artie doesn't have a family or anything to live for. Gary said that you can die anywhere and he's really not afraid of going over there.
Howard said that Ralph has a point. He doesn't need to be there, he's not going to really be entertaining the troops. They probably won't even know who Gary is. Gary thinks that there will be fans of the show over there. That led to Howard doing his Gary impression and talking about how he's going to get bored over there. Gary said that they won't get bored over there, they have a very busy schedule from what he's heard.
Ralph said he wasn't mocking Gary over this, he was honestly wondering why he was going over there when he has a family to take care of. Howard continued to goof on Gary about getting bored like he did out in Vegas the last time he was out there. Howard and the guys were goofing on him about all of that and how he was really going to be bored out there if he was bored in Vegas.
Gary said they got a call from a guy who said that the heat over there is brutal and they have to wear their bullet proof vests all the time.
Joey Boots called in and said that Glen Miller was killed flying over to do a USO show. They actually lost 27 people on that flight so there have been people who have died going to do USO shows. Gary had been saying that he had never heard of anyone being killed going over to do them.
Joey asked Gary how he'd feel if his kids were never able to visit his grave if he had died over there. Gary said that it's just a headstone. Artie said that he probably wouldn't go over there if he had a family to worry about. Gary said that he thinks that it's a really good thing to do and he wants to do it. Howard kept telling him that he's not an entertainer though so there's no reason for him to go. Artie has a comedy act to do.
Gary was upset about Ralph goofing on him when he really doesn't do anything or produce anything himself. Artie said that Gary can introduce the guys as a host over there. Howard said that he's going to get bored though and continued to goof on him about that.
Bobo called in and said that he agrees with Ralph about this and he doesn't think that he should go over there. He said that they're not playing at Caroline's, they're going to be under sniper fire and their helicopter could go down.
Howard said that Gary had better bring tons of reading material so he doesn't get bored. Gary said ''fuck you'' and said he'll be fine over there.
Ralph asked Artie how he's going to survive in the 120 degree heat over there. Artie didn't know how he was going to get through that. Sal was in Gary's office pretending to be Gary getting bored over there. Howard let Ralph go after that.
Artie said that he thinks that he's going to lose like 30 pounds in that week that they're over there. He said that he's going to be like Private Lange while he's there. He was also talking about how Gary was asking him to go over there and he's not going to turn him away. He said that he'd love to have a really hot chick come over there with them but he doesn't think they do that anymore.
Artie said that his mother made him some lamb chops with stuffed mushrooms and some other stuff that he loves. He said he was eating that last night. He said that he slept from 4-9 last night and then got up and ate. He said he heated up the lamb chops in the microwave since that's the only way he knows how to heat up the food.
Howard said that Artie's mother really wants him to lose weight but she's the one giving him all of this food. Artie said that he was eating some fried hot peppers, some bread, the lamb chops and had some other stuff while he was heating that stuff up. He said that he has this pizzagain stuff that his mother made. He was also drinking some big glasses of Pepsi with crushed ice. He said it's like heaven.
Howard said he doesn't have crushed ice in his freezer. The guys told him that's a pretty basic thing in a refrigerator now. Artie said that Howard has a Sub-Zero refrigerator and that's what he's going to have down at his shore house. He said his fridge is going to have a glass door on it so he can see what's in there. He said he keeps it really neat so that won't be an issue.
Artie talked about the post-it notes that his mother leaves for him on all of this food she gives to him. He said that today was going to be tough with the cupcakes being out there. He said that he already had a bagel this morning and he's going to be eating those things.
Howard said they were playing some video of Artie eating on the monitors in there. He said that they had it sped up. Artie said there's nothing funnier on TV than him eating in fast motion. He was cracking up as he watched himself chowing down. He said it's so pathetic, it's the most pathetic footage ever. Howard told him he should make that his next movie. He had to go to break after that.
Gary said that it was actually the local channel 7 show that runs before Good Morning America. Howard said that's good, it's just locally that he'll be known as an ugly guy. He said that's a really shitty story. He said he knows that he's ugly but he doesn't need to be reminded of that and he definitely doesn't need Beth being reminded. Howard said he doesn't think that he's a 1, he thinks that he's a 3.
Artie said that's really fucked up when they report that stuff on shows like that. He told Howard he could give him a Subutex or something to calm him down. He said that he'd get high from it though. Artie said that the stuff saved his life but it's really strong and he would get a buzz.
Howard said that maybe the Subutex is what has been making Artie hungry. He said that's one of the side effects and he'd like to be able to get off that stuff and lose some weight.
Howard said that they were going to do the Man Boobs contest and asked Robin to remind him to play some clips from John the Stutterer's show.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. Lisa told Howard that she thinks that he's good looking. Artie asked them to find a woman who Howard doesn't pay to say that he's good looking. Howard said he knows he's not that bad looking. Lisa told him about his good qualities and what she likes about him.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that maybe the article that was written was brought up because of the Ugliest Man with the Hottest Chick contest they have coming up. Maybe they stole the idea from him once again.
Howard talked about how Jessica wanted to give him a hand job one time but he was married at the time so he had to turn it down. Jessica also brought up how she didn't know that she had become a senior citizen after hearing them talking about the bowling thing yesterday. Howard said it's just for that bowling show.
Howard said he had the clip from the channel 7 program where they called him ugly. He said that this really sucks. He said it's a miracle that he doesn't drink more than he does.
Howard played the clip where the reporter was talking about reading this story and how he wanted to get someone's opinion on the article. Howard goofed on the guy for being a big himbo. Gary said that the guy is kind of a goof, his name is Bill Evans. Howard may have spoken too soon because the guy wasn't being all that mean to him. He said that he'll be home banging a hot chick tonight while that guy is studying barometric pressure.
Howard said he just saw that Bill is on the Scott and Todd show so there must be a lot of yucking going on during that. He did his impression of what that show must sound like. He did some phony laughs like those guys do and talked about how they all sound alike.
Howard and the guys continued to goof on those guys for a few minutes. The guy Bill Evans was saying that he got his hot wife because he's a funny guy. Artie wondered in what world that guy is funny. He couldn't imagine why he'd think he was funny. Howard did more of his impression of that guy and then took a phone call.
The caller told Artie he was a fat fuck and went on to say that they should call their bowling show the ''Polish Your Pin'' show. Artie said he was as funny as Bill Evans.
Lisa got to her Howard 100 News preview. She said that Artie admitted that he hadn't been to the dentist in about 8 years. He never gets cavities so he doesn't go. He said he went right before he went to Toronto to shoot Dirty Work. He said that was actually 11 years ago and he just realized it.
Lisa said that she has a story about Robin's Girls Night Out group. They found that there is another charity organization with the same name and a guy runs it. He's a SIRIUS subscriber and they spoke to him about the name. He's fine with them using the same name though.
Lisa said that they also have a story about Jason speaking out about Scott DePace's latest Video Caddy issues. Jason has said that he thinks that Scott's product is useless and the worst of the two that are out there.
Howard sang a little bit and started naming the judges using their middle names. He mentioned Gary Patrick Dell'Abate, Arthur Steven Lange and Fred Eric Norris. They spent a little time on that subject before Howard pointed out that Benjy is eating a ton of salad over there at his desk. He said that he thinks that just because salad is good for you that you can eat a ton of it. He said he wasn't going to let him judge, he changed his mind.
Howard said that he might get everyone's opinion on the contest once they get started. He asked Fred if they had any theme music. They had nothing. Howard said that the first contestant was Shane. Shane came in and Howard said he's a good looking guy but he doesn't appear to be that fat. Shane said he's about 260 pounds and 5'10'' tall. He said he's had the bitch tits since he was born. They've gotten bigger as he got heavier though.
Shane said that he was told that he'd always have them even if he got operated on. He said that they could come back even if he had them operated on. He said that they used to play games in school and he'd hate to play shirts vs. skins. He said that his coach would make him be skins even if he asked him not to make him do that.
Shane said that he's unemployed right now because of a DUI he got. He was a truck driver and ended up losing his job over that DUI. He said he was separated from his wife and quite depressed. He said that he put her in a couple of head locks but never hit her or anything. He said that there were a few things that didn't look right with the relationship. He said that he could see her bra when they were at a car dealer and thought that she was flirting with the salesman. He said he may have gotten a little carried away with her and did some stuff to her. He said that it was a little more than a head lock. He said that he may have called her some names and spit on her.
Shane talked about a dog he had that was shitting all over the place. He said that he was actually fired from one job because of his dog shitting on the property of another place. He told them that story and then a story about the dog shitting in his mother's house. He said that he ended up slipping in the shit and piss and ended up spiking the dog into the ground like a football. He said that he might have a problem with his temper. Howard told the guy he can't take it out on the dog or his wife.
Howard said that Shane seems to be a little obsessive and possessive. He said that she's taking some time away from him right now but they'll probably work things out. Howard asked if the wife laughed at his titties. Shane laughed and said that no woman has ever said anything negative about his chest to his face.
Howard had Shane take off his shirt so they could see his boobs. He took it off and the guys were shocked at how big they were. Howard asked if they had a bra there that they could have him try on. Howard asked how big his cup size would be if he was a woman. He didn't know. Howard had him put on a bikini top so they could see what he looks like. Gange said that it was a size Large that they were giving him. He put the top on and got a few laughs from the guys. Shane said that some women like to play with his boobs like they're women's boobs. Howard said that he knows this guy has done some bad things but he seems like a nice guy other than that.
Howard said that Shane's areola's and nipples were really big too. The Howard TV guys shot him with some oil so his boobs would shine. Howard told the judges to remember Shane as they moved on to Jeffrey.
Up next was Jeffrey who claims he's always had man boobs no matter how much he worked out. Jeffrey said that he was able to get his weight down in college but his boobs were always there. He said that he thinks that it was genetics that gave him the boobs. He said that he's 27 and has a girlfriend. He said that his girlfriend is quite busty as well and she'll pinch his boobs when he does that to hers and he's really not into that.
Jeffrey said that he's been listening to Howard since he was 8 years old. He said that his father introduced him to the show and he's been listening ever since. Jeffrey said that Shane was looking like something out of National Geographic. He threw in a plug for his blog at Gwgreality.blogspot.com
Howard asked Jeffrey to reveal his boobs after that. He said that his boobs weren't near the size of Shane's. He did have some pepperoni pizza nips though. Shane was making fun of him even though he's got bigger boobs than this guy. Howard told Jeffrey to go stand over next to Shane.
Up next was Gary who was close to 400 pounds. He was their first white contestant. Gary said that he's engaged to be married and the boobs haven't stopped him from getting women. He said that this is going to be his third marriage. He said that he was the one who dumped the wives too. He said that he had a lazy second wife and the first one looked like a mess.
Howard told Gary that he might have a shot there from what he could see under his robe. Gary got in a plug for his buddies in the Lost Dutchman Motorcycle Club out in Arizona. He and Howard spent a minute talking about the riding club. Howard said he would never challenge a motorcycle club like that and he can't imagine who would.
Howard asked Gary if he's been in bar fights and stuff. Gary said that he has and he's had his ass beaten and he's beaten some asses. He said that he's going to buy a new Harley if he wins this contest today.
Howard said it was time to see Gary's boobs. He opened up his robe and revealed the giant man boobs. Artie asked him where he gets his jeans. He has a 62 inch waist. Artie is at a 55 already so he's not that far off. Howard asked Gary if he looks at Artie and thinks he's a thin guy. Gary said ''no'' to that.
Howard said that Gary's boobs were bigger than Shane's were. He said that they were nice and wondered if he had ever put on a bra top. He said he hadn't so they got a bikini top for him. They had a C-cup size for him but it may not be big enough for him. His boobs were falling out of the top and the guys were talking about how his boobs actually went all the way around his body. Gary was saying that he used to do meth and got down to about 200 pounds but he still had the boobs.
Howard brought in the final contestant, Alex, and Artie said that they had a winner. Alex said that he listens to the show every day and he weighs more than 300 pounds. He said that he likes to eat a lot of ham and turkey and stuff like that. He likes hot wings too. He doesn't have a girlfriend but he did have a girl at one time. He said that she said no to him when he asked her to marry him. Alex said he's 43 now and he last got laid when he was 18. Robin said that's some slump.
Howard asked Alex what he does for sex. Alex said he beats off in the shower so it goes right down the drain. He said that he gets porn from a friend of his and he likes titties. Alex said that he would like to get a woman right now but he hasn't had one in 25 years.
Alex is disabled and said that he can't work. He had a job at his dad's work but things didn't work out. Gary told Howard that he was saying that he was a virgin when he was out in the green room. Alex said that was true. He tried to put his dick in a woman but she said no. He said that he got smacked. Artie was cracking up right from the time this guy walked into the studio so there must have been something going on with him that was odd. He had a strange way of talking and had an odd giggle that he kept doing.
Howard asked Alex some questions about his man boobs and if he plays with them thinking that it must be like playing with a woman's. He said he does do that. He also said that he goes to the beach and doesn't care what people think. Howard said he likes his attitude.
Howard asked Alex if he's a slow adult. He said that he is. He can read and spell but he couldn't come up with an answer to 2+7. Howard told Alex that he seemed like a nice guy. He hadn't thrown a dog into the ground or put a woman in a headlock.
Howard asked Alex to open up his robe and show his boobs. Howard said they were the biggest titties he'd ever seen. Benjy let out an ''Oh my god!'' Howard said that he was going to have a hard time with the judging. He said that Jeffrey was the only one who didn't have a chance against the rest of the guys.
Howard wondered who was the biggest. He was thinking that Alex was the biggest. Everyone checked them out and then Howard asked him to put on a bikini top. He tried to stuff them in but his nip was sticking out the bottom.
Alex was there with a handler and he has to keep an eye on him while he's out. Alex said that he can get into some trouble when he's out on his own. Gary said that they could bring that guy in if he wanted. Howard told him to bring him in.
Gary brought in this guy Albert who handles Alex. Albert was the guy who got him into the contest. He said that he's a great dude but he can overeat and he's a diabetic so he has to keep an eye on him. Gary asked if they could leave him alone in a house for 3 days. They can't do that. Artie said that he could use a handler himself based on what he just said.
Howard said that all of these guys had jeans that fit, unlike Artie's. Howard said that he was going to go to Robin first and ask her to make her pick. Robin picked Alex. Alex said that he's going to buy clothes with the money if he wins. Gary asked if this contest is based on size. He said that Alex had the biggest of them all but Shane's were the most woman like. He wasn't sure what they were going for there. Howard didn't know either.
Howard said that Gary and Alex had the biggest boobs but Shane had a real cup there. Gary went with Alex after going through some thoughts on what they should be going for. Howard went to Fred next. Fred said that this is tough and it's not the slam dunk contest that he thought it was going to be. He said that it was a very tough choice. He was going between Alex and Shane. Shane's boobs were the prettiest of them all. He had to go with Alex.
Howard moved on to Artie who said that he wanted to see Gange's again first. Howard told him he's not in the contest. Artie went on to say that he thinks that the really fat guys could lose some weight and he had to go with Shane because he has a real problem.
Howard went to Will next and asked him who he thought should win. Will said that he had to go with Shane because he has real ''boobs.'' Howard said he was still confused by this Alex guy and how he almost had this woman. He asked what had gone on that day and how close he came. He said that he had the woman naked and played with her boobs but he didn't get to blow his load.
Howard gave Benjy a shot to give his vote. Benjy told Jeffrey he didn't have a shot. He said that if Alex got his nipples centered it would help his boobs out a lot. He had to go with Shane.
Howard said that it was tied at that point so he was going to break the tie. He had the guys do some jumping jacks and that led to Artie laughing his ass off. Howard told Gary that he was out of the contest but he was leaning toward voting for him. He said that he had to pick one of the two in the tie. He ended up picking Alex over Shane even though he had such nice tits. He said that he's got better tits than a lot of women do. They put a wig on him and Artie said he looked like Oprah.
Alex was the winner so Howard told Shane that maybe they could give him a second prize or something. Gary said that they did have $500 cash for each of the guys who didn't win. That was courtesy of Bee Ceuticals.
Howard thanked the guys for coming in and said that it really was a tough decision. Artie said he'd give Shane some tickets to a show he had coming up in Chicago. He hooked up the rest of the guys with tickets for shows that he had coming up. Howard sang the guys out of the studio and went to break after wrapping up with them.
Howard said he was right about Dancing with the Stars when he said that Penn or Adam would get voted off. He said that Penn got voted off. He had Adam on the phone to talk about it. He asked him if he was the second lowest. Adam said that they don't tell them who is the second lowest so he's not sure.
Adam said that last week he knew that he wouldn't get voted off. He said that he's not sure about next week though. Howard said that the judges seem to like Adam. He said that he kind of likes Adam's partner so he doesn't want him to get voted off because of that.
Penn had some problems falling twice during rehearsals. He said that he's a klutz. Adam said that he did that on the show and in rehearsal so he's not sure if he was putting it on or not. Howard said he thinks that it wasn't put on at all. JD said that Penn was on Jimmy Kimmel last night and claimed that the fall was planned. Howard said ''Yeah, right.''
Howard and Adam talked about his hot partner, Julianne Hough, a little bit. The guys think that Julianne is finally realizing how funny Adam is and warming up to him. Adam said that she's going out of town today for a wedding so he's only going to get in a couple of hours today. Howard asked if he's upset that he's not getting in enough practice and complaining to the producers. Adam said that neither of them have time so there's not much they can do about that.
Howard asked Adam if he thinks he could get that chick. Adam said that he'd have to wear her down with some Ruffies and some ether.
Howard said that he doesn't think that Adam is that bad of a dancer. He said that he's not a real dancer and he's doing just fine on the show. He said that memorizing the steps is tough. Robin said he wasn't moving his hips where he was supposed to. Howard said that he's a dude, he's not supposed to move his hips.
Artie said he read a review of Adam's movie ''The Hammer'' and it was a 3 star review. Adam said that he got two thumbs up on that Ebert and Roeper show or whatever it's called now. You can find out more about the movie at TheHammerMovie.com. Adam said that they're opening it up in more theaters now. Howard let Adam go after that. Adam said that he'll call in next week to give them another update.
Howard said that it seemed like he was getting better but Bob said that he was actually taking six Xanax pills a day instead of 2. He said that he was getting a high from that stuff and it was just another thing he was doing instead of drinking.
Artie said that he saw that Bob was like a zombie when he was on those pills. He said that he told some people that he had to get off of it and back to drinking.
Howard said that he heard that Bob was drinking and doing coke again up in Toronto. Bob said he actually broke his tooth trying to open the bag of coke. He said that his whole tooth came out. He said he's also on this Klonopan. He said that he's really alarmed by all of this himself so that's why he's talking about it.
Bob said that Jim Florentine asked him how he's still alive. He said that he told him that he was going to die doing that much stuff. Bob said that he knows he's fucked up and he really doesn't want to die. He said he'd like to get to a point when he doesn't need any of that stuff.
Artie said that it's easy to blame the road for that stuff. That's what he does. Howard asked Bob about when he met his girlfriend and if he was drinking and doing the coke back then. He said he was probably drinking when he met her.
Howard had Bob's girlfriend Chris come in after that. He asked her what's wrong with her that she has to be with this guy who is drinking, doing coke and taking pills. She said she doesn't have a problem with that. She said that she doesn't drink and has never done drugs in her life. She said she's not sure why people need that stuff. Howard said that he appears to be really messed up. Chris said that he only drinks out on the road. He never drinks during the week at all.
Artie said that he knows what that's like because he does the same thing. Chris said that Bob feels like he needs to be high to go out on stage and perform in front of people but she doesn't think that he needs it. She said that he's so talented that he doesn't need that stuff.
Howard said that he heard that Bob was telling the guys not to let his girlfriend come in because she takes his air time. Bob said that she was just along for the ride and she wasn't supposed to be in there. He said that he just asked her to go for a ride and told her to stay in the back and talk to JD or something. Bob said he wasn't mad about it though.
Howard said this sounds like some jealousy and it's like a disaster. Bob said that things are fine. Howard told Bob that this is an intervention for his girlfriend. Chris said that Bob is like a drama queen and he makes a big deal out of every little thing.
Howard said he wanted to give Bob a plug before he ran out of time with Bob. Chris mentioned that they'll be down at the Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, New Jersey this weekend.
Bob said that things are different since he moved out of the basement in his house. He doesn't get to see his son every day and that makes him more depressed. Robin told Bob to take responsibility for himself and get over it.
Howard asked Bob about the footage he saw of him slapping Danny Bonaduce back stage at some event he was at. Howard said that Bob was standing back stage and just slapped him. Bob said that he was back stage because he was a referee at the event that Bonaduce was at. Bob told the story about how the two of them got into their fight. He said that Bonaduce was a loudmouth and he just slapped him like the bitch that he was.
Howard told Bob to swear on the life of his son that it was a real fight and not set up. Bob said he would never swear on his child. Howard said he thinks that he would swear on the life of his child if it was real. Bob said that he would swear on his fiancé's life though. He said that it was not set up.
Howard asked Bob if he really had a real fight with that guy. Bob said that the guy pissed him off and he really flipped out and smacked the guy. He said he's not afraid of that guy and he thinks that he's just a big mouth. He said he knows how to fight and he can handle himself just fine. He said he can throw a punch just fine.
Howard said that Artie said that the tape was fake. Bob said that's fine but he insists that it was for real. Fred said that he thought it was real and he really doesn't like Danny and he has to commend Bob for doing what he did. He said that he doesn't know bob that well but he gets a vibe from him that makes you think that you just don't fuck with him.
Bob said that he snaps easily and gets into fights like that. He said that he could take Howard down too. Howard said that anyone can beat him up. Robin said that even she can.
Blue Iris called in and told Bob not to take that Klonopan because it's very addictive. She was going on and on giving him advice about what he shouldn't be doing. She said that she loves Bob and doesn't want him to be addicted like that. She's going to be coming in next week for the Newlywed Game that they're doing. She said that will be on Tuesday.
Howard gave Bob some plugs for the gigs he had coming up this weekend. They're going to be at the Hard Rock in Atlantic City this Friday and at the Starland Ballroom in Sayreville on Saturday night. Howard gave him a plug for the Miserable Men show that airs Sunday nights at 7pm on Howard 101. you can find out more at RevBobLevy.com.
Howard told Bob to get his problems under control. Bob said that he wants to do that but he doesn't know who to talk to about it. Artie said that he had a guy who would tell him that he was disgusting and tell him to exercise. Artie said that he feels that way about Bob and that's the advice he'd give him. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said that he shouldn't be the poster boy for that kind of story. Robin said that the research came from the University of Tennessee and it was the media that added Howard to the article.
Howard said that he was watching this new show that Brad Garrett is in called ''Til Death'' and it was really funny. He said that he had no idea how funny the guy was. He told Robin what he saw on the show and how they signed up to a big brother program and Brad's character hopes that he gets a black kid. He said that it turns out to be a 40 year old black guy that he adopts as a big brother. He ends up going out roller skating with the 40 year old guy. He said that the show was really funny and he had to plug it.
Artie said that Brad was great on Everybody Loves Raymond. He said that it sounds like this new show is funny too.
Fred said that the Bugatti is something that's hand built and it's like having bragging rights. He said that he doesn't get it either and he'd rather spend money on a classic Ferrari or something himself. He said that Simon is basically driving an expensive Chevy.
Artie said that he feels like a jerk off in his Mercedes. He said that he could never buy a car that cost that much. Robin said she saw someone driving a Rolls leaving New york the other day and she wondered why anyone would drive that in the city.
Howard said he had a bunch of other clips to play but he had a bunch of e-mail to go through too. He read one about Ryan Phillippe on the Tonight Show and Jay was treating him like an ass. The guy said that Ryan threatened to leave and said that he wouldn't be back if he kept up the stuff he was doing. Howard said he bets that he really was irked by the guy.
Howard said that he never felt more stupid than the time he went out with the lesbians on Jay's show and Jay ran off and complained about how all he was about was ''pussy.'' He said that if he was a real man he would have just kicked him off the show instead of walking off. Gary said that Jay was complaining about Howard and how he was just about ''pussy, pussy, pussy'' while grabbing his crotch. He also said that it was like Howard was coming on and shitting in his house.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he has any plans to do a special edition of Private Parts. Howard said that's what he wanted to do but Paramount didn't want to work with him on that. He said they just put the movie out and he's done with that now.
The caller said that he's kind of friendly with Suzanne the Underdog Lady and she asked him to be her bodyguard during a parade because so many people yell out Howard's name. She blames Howard for ruining her career but Artie said ''...her career ruined her career.''
Howard let that guy go and played some more John the Stutterer show clips. He had clips of John going off on Reverend Wright after stuttering up a storm trying to get to it. Once he gets going the stuttering stops and he's able to get his thoughts out.
Howard read some more mail about the Clara the bulldog story. He said that someone wrote in about how it was fine that he helped out with that dog and couldn't believe that there were people complaining.
Howard said that Jim Florentine got all positive feedback about his appearance yesterday. He read through a bunch of those e-mails. Some people did think that he was out of line getting mad at Shuli for what he did. Then Howard found a negative email about Jim where the guy said that his relationship with Robin is creepy, almost as creepy as Anna Nicole Smith and that old dude she was married to.
Howard read some feedback about Fred and some predictions on what will happen with Jim and Robin. One guy predicted Robin and Jim would be over by July. Another guy said that they won't last longer than 3 more months.
Howard said that someone wrote in and told him that his comments about Oprah's interview with Billy Joel. The guy said that Billy seemed bothered by every question and maybe it wasn't Oprah who was the problem in that interview. Howard said he didn't take it that way but he didn't really know.
Howard said he's been reading a bunch of stuff about the merger being approved by the Department of Justice. It still has to be approved by the FCC and some people are pointing out that it shouldn't be taking this long to figure this all out. The merger is up to 342 days and it's one of the longest delays in merger history. They let other mergers go through in no time while this one is taking forever.
Steve said that there's another anti-Robin web site called RobinsNews.com. They point out all of the mistakes she makes there. They also have a story about JD being part of the Paris Hilton BFF contest but JD claims that he had nothing to do with that.
Jon Hein came in and gave his Wrap Up Show preview mentioning the stuff they were going to be discussing today. He ran through his list and then Howard spent a short time talking about that article that he'd been talking about all morning.
Howard was talking about how he could prove that he's not that ugly if he just broke up with Beth and went out and fucked all of the hot chicks he could. He said that he had to thank Regis for defending him on his show. He said he has to thank him for calling him handsome. He said that he's not going to fuck Joy Philbin because of that. Robin said that Kelly Ripa didn't really come to his defense. It turns out it wasn't Kelly there with Regis this morning. It was Megan Mullaly from Will and Grace filling in for Kelly.
Howard said that he's seen uglier guys and he knows that he's not the ugliest. He said that the picture in the paper today was actually a good angle for him and he thought he looked pretty good.
Gary said that he was getting bored with the conversation about him being bored. Howard and Fred were both doing impressions of him by that time. Howard said they should run a new Gary cartoon every day. He continued to do the impression that Gary hates so much. Howard said that he can't imagine being so bored that he'd want to watch TV with Nick DiPaolo. Gary said that they just channel surfed and found nothing worth watching. Howard said that's because he's busy talking.
Howard said he wanted to watch a TV show one time and his wife and her friend were talking and he wasn't able to enjoy it. Sal was in his Gary mask goofing around behind Gary. Howard said that he's never been bored out in Vegas. Gary said that he was done gambling, he'd read a book and watched some TV and he was bored. He said that he didn't want to lose even more money gambling so he stopped.
Gary said that he did try to go get a shave at the Art of Shaving but they were booked up all three times. Howard went back into his Gary impression and goofed on him about the shaving thing. Gary asked Howard about his complaints that he didn't have time to get to all of the stuff he wanted to get to. Artie told him that this is what he wanted to get to. Howard continued to goof on Gary for a little longer. He said that Gary could have brushed his teeth out there in Vegas. That would have taken up an hour. He
Ralph called in and said that even the things that Gary tried to do out there were horrible. Getting a shave is really lame. He said he just doesn't get it. He said that Gary was complaining about the shops out there and how lame they were but they actually have some great shops there. Gary said that he's not a shopper like that.
Gary talked about how the walk to the shaving place was probably a 10 minute walk. He said that it was Super Bowl weekend so they were very busy there. He said he wasn't even that into getting a shave, he just wanted something to do. Howard said they'd stop busting Gary's balls. Gary asked him why he was going to stop now?
Howard said that Gary is going to get bored over in Iraq when he goes over. Gary said that they're going to have plenty to talk about over there. Howard said that the reason Artie slept so long out in Vegas is because he knew that if he woke up he'd have to talk to Gary. He slept right past the lunch time he was supposed to have with Gary.
JD said that Gary was so bored out in Vegas that he had to show him the Jimmy Kimmel ''I'm Fucking Matt Damon'' thing. He said that Gary dragged him into his room to show him the video. Howard said that he'd pay a million bucks to see tape of Gary and Nick watching TV together.
Artie was talking about how bad he looks at his age and how he's in the 8th inning of his life. Howard said he just needs to lose a few pounds. He said that he got a picture of Artie about 100 pounds ago and he really looked good. He just needs to lose that weight.
Howard and the guys talked about the rumors that Jamie Lee was born a hermaphrodite. Howard said that they asked her about that one time and she basically told them ''fuck you.'' A caller said that they do say that she was one if you search her name on the web.
Robin said that there are people out there saying that satellite radio will end up costing consumers more in the future if this merger goes through. She read a little bit of an article about that and then Howard read through an article where they talk about the merger and how it's really not a bad thing. The author said that he wouldn't think twice about canceling his service if the prices went up though. He said that's why the merger is okay because they have to remain competitive with other forms or media like terrestrial radio, iPods and more.
Howard said that terrestrial radio hates them so much that they bleeped this DJ for just mentioning the merger in his news report.
Robin got back to her news and talked about a story where they had gone back and researched some ancestry for the Presidential candidates. She said that they should go back and look into their history as well.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said he wanted to talk about Dancing with the Stars and mentioned that his grandmother was deaf. That led to Artie doing his Grandma Curro impression. Then he went into his Jeff impression and Howard did his deaf Grandmother impression. They had some fun with that for a couple of minutes with Howard doing his mumbling with Artie as Jeff slurring his speech.
Robin asked Jeff if his grandmother spoke with her hands. Jeff said that she read lips and spoke. She didn't use sign language. Howard thanked Jeff for calling in and said that he's supporting Marlie Matlin because she reminds him of his grandmother.
Howard asked Jeff if he's doing okay. He said he's doing fine. Artie told Jeff that he's still open to giving him a couple hundred bucks if he comes to his gigs. Jeff said he doesn't know his schedule because he can't use a computer. Artie told him to just call Teddy and get it from him.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about A-Rod and asked Artie if he was ever bowled over by him when he saw him in person. Artie said he wasn't. Robin said her driver was really bowled over when he saw A-Rod walking into Barney's one day.
Double A called in and told Howard to fuck all the haters and that he has his health, he's rich, he's got the great crew he works with, he's got money, he's the best interviewer ever... and don't forget money. Howard said he doesn't need Double A cheering him up. He said that he's fine and he'll survive this one. He thanked him for calling in and said that he knows that he's a big fan.
Robin read some news about the apartments tat are being broken into around the crane accident that happened there in the city recently. She brought up stories about Barack Obama's charity donations, Hillary Clinton's lies about dodging gunfire with her daughter. She had some news about John McCain and played some clips of him that she tried to get through. She said that he's a very boring speaker and that's not a very good thing.
Robin read a story about a post on CraigsList.com where someone offered a baby for sale. They needed money for meth. Howard said that was probably a white couple because that's the kind of thing only white people would do for meth.
Robin had a story about Shaquille O'Neil talking about working with a police department on a part time basis. She had a story about Priscilla Presley talking about how her plastic surgery was done by an unlicensed surgeon. Howard said that they really fucked her face up too. He said he was reading an article about what was injected into her face. It turned out to be some kind of car lubricant that was injected into her face. He said he was trying to find the article but just saw that picture of him and Beth.
Robin read some more news about plastic surgery and how many people are doing it now. She had a story about a young girl who died after having an allergic reaction to the anesthesia.
Howard and Robin went through some American Idol audio clips and talked about some of the performances on the show last night. Howard said that he thinks that this David guy is going to win. He said that he didn't remember his last name though. He said it might be Cooke or something like that. He said he's not that gay that he remembers all of the names.
Robin played some clips from Dancing with the Stars and wrapped up her news. Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
Jon started the guys off talking about the man boob contest that they had today. He said that there was a lot going on today in the studio and outside the studio. Gary talked about how they found the guys for the contest. He said that they got a lot of contestants and brought it down from about a dozen to the four guys they had today. They took pictures and spread them out on the floor to figure out which ones they wanted.
Jon talked about Shane and the stuff he talked about like beating his wife and dog. Jason said that he sent in a great picture too. IT was him on a couch all greased up.
Gary said that Shane was the one who had breasts that really looked like a woman's breasts. They talked about that guy Jeffrey and how he had big man boobs but not nearly as bad as the other guys did. Jason said they were fooled by his pictures because they looked bigger in them.
The guys talked about Alex and how he seemed a little slow. Gary said that he admitted he was a little slow. He said that it was a close competition and he did have the biggest man boobs. Shane had the girliest man boobs. He said that they never really thought about how to judge the types of man boobs. They didn't know how many different types there were.
Jason said that Shane had very womanly boobs but Gary had an unusual flap of fat with nipples on them so they didn't even look like breasts.
Jon played a clip of Alex being told he was the winner. After that Jon went to the phones and took some calls. Wolfe called in and asked if they've ever turned down any type of contest that was too gross to put on the air. Gary said that nothing is too gross. They have turned down some boring stuff. Gary said they wanted to do a double amputee contest but Howard was bored with that idea.
Jason said that the grossest contest was the hemorrhoid contest and he's thinking they should do a hernia contest or something like that. He said he saw Scott the Engineer's hernia and it was really disturbing. They talked about the small penis contest as well.
Jason was talking about how hairy he is and Gary said they should throw that out there as a contest idea. Jason said that he grew chest hair before the other kids in school and the other kids would grab the hair and pull at it. He said that it's still going on to this day so he can't even bring himself to go to the beach.
The guys talked to Benjy about how he takes his clothes off pretty easy on the show. Benjy said that he's very embarrassed to do that though. Gary said that Benjy ripped off all of his clothes at the Playboy mansion and jumped in the pool one time. Benjy said he thought that was funny, that's why he did that.
Jason talked about the reactions he gets when he takes his shirt off and how much they can hurt. He threw out another contest idea for Hairiest Areola. They had talked about doing a Hairiest Bush contest too.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he though that Howard found it kind of funny when Shane was talking about beating his wife but then when he brought up the dog thing he seemed to get more serious. The guys talked about that for a short time and talked about how pets can't fight back so you really have to look out for them.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked about Gary saying that their show is the place for comedians to go to get exposure. That all led to the guy trying to get in a plug for his son who is a musician. He said that if they had his son on the show they'd be discovering a great talent. He threw out the kid's name one too many times so Jon hung up on him.
Another caller brought up some contests that they could do on the show. Gary said that they kick around ideas on the show and one day Richard threw out the Biggest Cock contest. They were going to be doing a Heroes promotion and that was the idea Richard came up with. Teddy threw out some ideas for Biggest Birth Defect or something like that.
Jon took another call from a guy who suggested doing a Biggest Nipple contest. Gary said that they needed to know if it would be the nipple or the circumference of the areola. The caller said it should be the circumference but Gary said he thinks that the size of the nipple would be the thing.
Another caller said that maybe they should have a Most Disgusting Dick Cheese contest. They were grossed out by that. Gary had to help the guy out because he had told the screener he wanted to do an ugliest vagina contest but he didn't mention it. Gary said they actually have that on their list but they need a sponsor to help out with that one.
Jon took another call from a guy who suggested a contest with the cutest face with the biggest ass. Gary said they have that on the list. They're calling that one a Butter Body contest. The girl would have to have a great face with a really bad body.
The caller said that he thought that some guy had suggested doing a hot chick bowling show to Howard years ago and he turned it down. Gary said that he'd have to look into that, he didn't remember that.
Jon asked Gary if he found the contest to be a big success. Jason said it was a monster success. They spent a little more time talking about the guests that were in to play. He said that guy Gary was kind of smelly. Shane was giving them a hard time about leaving and wanted more money so they had to have him removed from the building. He said that things are fine now.
The guys talked about Shane's boobs a little more and Benjy was saying that he thought that just one of his tits looked good. The other one wasn't quite right. He said that he was thinking that Alex could have been a chick with the body he had. Gary said that he wasn't a chick.
Jon took another call from a guy who suggested the Blackest Black person contest. Gary said that's already on the list. They also have a Jewiest Jew contest on the list of things to do. They had to go to break a short time later.
Gary said that he doesn't even know where he's going exactly. He said that there's the possibility of going to 1 of 5 different places. He looked up some of them online and they say that you should ask the locals about the land mine conditions there.
Gary said that he thinks that it will be an experience for him and he thinks that the whole package of guys there will be interesting for them over there. Gary said that he's told Artie that if he wants to bring a buddy over there instead of him he's fine with not going.
Benjy said that he thought that Artie used an interesting word when he said that Gary had aggressively gone after this trip with him. Gary said that aggressive is just asking Artie if he thought he could go along with him. He said that he wasn't really that aggressive. He said he just wanted to go and thought it would be cool to go.
Ralph called in and said all joking aside, Gary said that he thought it would be cool to go over there. Gary said that he didn't say it would be cool, he thought it would be an interesting experience. Ralph told him that the whole place is going to be a war zone and he's romanticizing it and not thinking about the reality of what he's doing. He said that he doesn't get why he'd put his life in danger when he has that family to take care of.
Gary said that a lot of people with families have gone over there to entertain or even to serve in the military. Ralph said he thinks that anyone who does something like that is foolish. He said that even that Heath Ledger fooling around with drugs when he's got a daughter was dumb.
Benjy asked Ralph if he thinks that a guy with kids shouldn't volunteer to serve in the military. Ralph said that was comparing apples and oranges. Those guys are over there fighting. He said that most of the guys going over there don't have families to support.
Jon said that he gets what Ralph is saying but he's also belittling what it means to Gary. Gary said that this is going to be an experience and he doesn't expect it to be fun at all. He said that he knows that the plane trip is going to be boring but overall it's going to be a big experience for him. He also thinks that it's going to make for a good example for his kids.
Ralph said that he loves when Howard goofs on Gary getting bored out in Las Vegas. He said that he loves when they do that and he's going to put that on his Best Of reel. Gary said that he hates when Ralph laughs at that stuff and goofs on him. He said that's the worst. Ralph said that he and Howard do the voice when he's hanging out with him.
Ralph asked Gary if his wife has reservations about this trip. Gary said that she did at first but then she came around and said that it was a good thing. He said he talked to the whole family about it and they're fine with him going.
Jon went to the phones and took a call from a guy who said that he's been over there before and he knows that they're going to have a ton of protection around them while they're out there. He said that the bases are protected and the safest places around. He said that they will worry but they should be safe. He said that he really appreciates them going over and thinks that they'll have a great time and the troops will really appreciate it.
Gary said that they still don't know exactly where they're going. They won't know until a week before and then they don't know exactly where they're going until they get on the airplane. The caller said that most of the places they're supposed to go will probably be the safer places in the area. They shouldn't have to worry too much as long as they don't go to Iraq or Afghanistan.
Jon asked if he thinks that Bob and Chris will ever get married. Gary said he's heard that they're having problems already but they both denied that to him.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked how long they think the marriage would last. Gary said he's not sure but Chris seems like a pretty straight arrow. He said that Bob is dependable but he can have some erratic behavior. He said that she may need to have a more orderly life than he can give to her.
Benjy said that maybe there's something horrible about Chris that they're not seeing there. Gary joked that it was the fact that she's dating Levy.
Jon also brought up the Scott Ferrall story that they talked about first thing this morning. Jim McClure said he's heard that there are multiple versions of the story so no one is sure exactly what happened. They talked about that story for a short time but they ran out of time for the show and had to end it.
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Howard started off the show talking about the foul mood he was in yesterday. He said he was just angry and what set him off was kind of lame. He said that Robin was going to laugh at him if he told her. He said that they were all going to laugh at him if he said what it was. He said they were all going to call him gay.
Howard said that he's been working out hard in the gym lately and he's just tired. He said that he's been doing what his trainer tells him to do and the guy is on a tear lately. He said he still has cellulite on his ass and it's so bad he won't even show it to anyone. He doesn't even want Beth to see it after he bangs her. He said he'll back out of the room so she doesn't see it. Beth taught him that because she does the same thing.
Howard said that he was particularly irritable yesterday and he had some business stuff that he had to get involved with even though he hates being involved with it. He said he wanted people to take care of their problems themselves instead of asking him about it.
Howard said he doesn't call his plumber to ask him how to do the show so other people shouldn't call him to ask him about stuff.
Howard said he had a bunch of stuff on his TiVo and he thought that he had The Biggest Loser on there. He said that he just found out that he missed that show because the TiVo didn't record it. He said that he got really upset with it. He said he had some problems with American Idol getting recorded too and that pissed him off.
Artie asked Howard why he thought that was gay. Then he said that it sounds like his TiVo has AIDS.
Robin told Howard about the prioritizing that you can do on a TiVo and how that's what his problem seems to be. Gary asked if he has the TiVo that records two channels at once. Howard said he didn't know what he had.
Howard said that he didn't want to learn a new interface and he thinks he just has the old one. Gary tried to help him figure it out but he didn't want to talk about it. He said he was just so aggravated. He has two TiVos that he uses, one for satellite and one for cable.
Howard said that he missed some good stuff on The Biggest Loser and that's why he was so angry. He said he really looks forward to that stuff and apologized to Artie for liking that show. Artie, with a mouth full of food, said he didn't care.
Howard talked about Artie shoveling the food into his mouth and how maybe he should get there 5 minutes earlier to eat before they go on the air. Artie said that Howard does the same thing when he eats. Howard said he only does it for a second. He said that Artie is eating for the first hour of the show. Artie said that the bagel shop doesn't open until 6 so he can't get anything up there that early.
Howard said that there's a tape of Artie eating that they show on the monitor in there and it looks like he's trying to hide it from the cameras but he can't. He said he hates eating in front of the cameras too but he won't let them speed up his eating like they did with Artie. He said he just wants 3 seconds to eat in there alone.
The guys played the tape of Artie eating the food in fast motion. Howard said they have to release that tape and asked if it's on Howard TV. He said that Artie must look at it and think that he's the grossest guy on the planet. Artie said that he does but it is kind of funny.
Howard figured that the woman did know who he was and she was just trying to jerk him around with those comments. He played another one where the woman said that he was quite ugly and that Beth was with him for his money. A few women said that. Then there were other clips where the women were all saying that he was ugly and Beth wanted him for his money.
One woman asked Sal to leave her alone. Howard played through a bunch of clips where the women were saying that Howard had seen better days and he was just ugly and outdated looking. One woman said that she thought he was good looking and that he's hysterical. She was being very nice and said that it just matters if people love and care about each other. Howard said that was a very lovely woman right there.
Howard said that he just has to accept it if that many women are saying he's ugly. He said that he just has to accept that now. He said until yesterday he thought that he was at the point where he was actually good looking. He said that he would walk into a restaurant with Beth and think that he was okay. He said that he went out with Billy Joel one time and he told him that he didn't get his relationship with Beth. Howard said he had to get up and leave the table after that.
Fred told Howard that he should have said something to Billy about his looks after that because he's looking a little like Uncle Fester these days. Howard didn't want to do that and told Fred to stop with those comments. He said that Billy was just kidding around with him. He wasn't being an asshole. He said if he was, he would have been an asshole right back at him.
Artie told Howard that everyone around there should be kissing Howard's ass telling him that he's good looking for at least 2 and a half more years.
Howard said that Beth was out at a meeting about their wedding last night so he had to delay the time that he started watching American Idol. He said that really screwed up his viewing time. He picked up on Ralph who wanted to comment on Ryan Seacrest and what was going on with him on the show. He was really annoyed by that guy.
Ralph was also talking about the ugly article that Howard was talking about and asked what the guys who wrote that article must look like. They spent a minute talking about that. Ralph said that the article is ridiculous. Howard said that Beth mentioned the article last night and said her aunt had called her to ask if she had seen it. Howard said it's not the best thing to bring up. Howard said that Ralph is upset because he looks kind of like him.
Howard said his running buddies were upset about the article too. Ralph pointed out who wrote the article and asked what that guy looks like. Howard said he doesn't care and he just wants to move on.
Howard said that his assistant called in and said that she had a copy of The Biggest Loser but he's already seen the latest episode so he can't watch it out of order.
Howard took another call from a woman who asked what he thought of this article where Clear Channel was trying to work out some deal to save their stations or something like that. Howard said that they're trying to do a bunch of things and they're very desperate to try and save themselves. Now they're going in and demanding that the FCC regulate the content and speech because it's not fair to them. Howard said that what's not fair is that people have to pay for satellite and the stuff they hear on terrestrial radio is free. That's why they have to be regulated.
Howard said that Jesse Jackson is trying to get some of the company for free. He said that some companies have given in to that guy but his demands are outrageous. Howard said that they try to do that with just about every merger that happens and sometimes it works. He said they do get some of what they ask for.
The guys talked about how the merger should go through after the Department of Justice approved it. They found that it wasn't a monopoly so the FCC should come through with an approval too.
Howard took another call and asked if he had been getting laid regularly this week. Howard said that he hasn't and that might be why he's so crabby and cranky. The caller also asked if there have been any good staff fights lately. Howard said he tried to get Gary started yesterday with the ''bored in Vegas'' stuff but he couldn't drag him into it.
The caller thanked Howard for all of the great programming that they've been doing lately. Howard said that the Man Boob contest should be on Howard TV tonight and that was a good one. They talked about some of the guys that were in that contest and how Shane had real tits. Howard said that they looked like real tits when he had them bouncing up and down doing jumping jacks.
Howard asked the Howard TV guys when that show will be on. Scott DePace came through on his new microphone and said that it will be on tonight. Howard was just testing out the new mic and making sure it worked.
Eric said that his strip club tour is going to be starting soon and he has a sponsor for it. Howard explained how he's going out to find the hottest stripper and he's going to give her a modeling contract and make her live with or near him for 7 years. Robin thought he lived in an apartment but Eric said that he's not living in an apartment anymore. He's living in a house now.
Howard said that Eric was wearing a Socko hat and had a poster in his room. That's his new sponsor and it's an energy drink. Howard said that he's back to the bad camera angle now too and all you can see is the Socko stuff and the top of his head.
Howard talked about the modeling agency that Eric is starting. Eric said that it's going to be called Eric's Modeling and Talent Agency. Howard asked him what he's going to do if the model wants to get out of her contract after just a couple of years instead of sticking with it for 7. Eric said he didn't know if they'd be able to get out of the contract or not. Howard said that he's basically saying that the girl has to stay with him for 7 years. Eric said that he hasn't thought about it that much.
Howard asked Eric what he's going to do when he takes 50 percent of her money and makes her live with him for 7 years and she decides she wants out. Eric said he's really not sure what he's going to do about that. Artie asked what he's going to do when the girl is freaking out and descending into madness after realizing that she's gotten involved with him.
Johnny Fratto called in and said that the sponsor has told Eric that he can't make the girl live with him. He said he wasn't explaining it right. He said that Eric still gets to go around the country doing his model search though. Eric said that the original thing was to get them to live with him or somewhere nearby. He said that they didn't have to live in his apartment. Eric said that he gets to visit them if they live nearby.
Howard said that the chick would get to live at his house rent free, right? Johnny said that option isn't going to let that happen. He said that she could live there if she wanted to but they can't make her do that.
Howard asked if she would have her own bedroom there. Eric said that they only have a 3 bedroom house so she probably wouldn't live there. He said that they have to leave the third bedroom open for when his parents visit. He said they come down to stay with him. He said that they technically own the house so they have dibs on the main master bedroom.
Howard asked Eric what his responsibilities are going to be with this modeling agency. He said that he has to find them work. Howard asked him if he's going to be able to do that if he doesn't know anyone in the business. Eric said that Johnny is going to help him out with that. He said that he's going to make phone calls to set up meetings and stuff. Artie asked him who he's going to call on that Monday morning after he signs a model to his agency. Eric said that he'd call some magazines that he knows about. Johnny said that Eric knows a friend of his who has some connections and he may be able to help.
Ralph called in and asked Eric if he has decided on a name yet. Howard thought he was asking about the modeling agency but he was asking about ''Eric the...'' That led to Howard playing some of the Eric the Gay Actor, Eric the Shitty Actor, Eric the Shit Cock, Eric the Major Cock and others. Johnny said he liked the Major Cock one.
Howard thanked Ralph for calling in and let him go. Johnny said that his daughter is in labor and he's going to be a grandfather.
Howard asked Eric when he's going to decide on who the hottest stripper is. Eric said that the tour is going to go as long as it takes. He said that they'll probably go to 10 cities or more. Howard asked what strip clubs they're going to. Johnny said that they'll probably be going to a lot of Spearmint Rhino clubs.
Howard asked how the billing is going to go and how he's going to make money off the girls. He said that he gets like 50 percent of their money. Johnny said that they may have to wait to figure that stuff out. Howard wanted an answer from Eric on that. Eric said that he'd have to have an accountant to help out. He'd have to sit in the club and keep an eye on the kind of money she was bringing in.
The guys asked Eric a bunch of questions about what he was going to be judging the girls on and things like that. Eric said he'll be judging them on looks and personality. Artie said that Eric is an expert in those two fields.
Howard thanked Eric for the update and congratulated him on all of that. Johnny said that he's going to have another mother fucker to take care of soon when his grandchild is born. Howard let the two of them go after that.
Howard said that he knows some people don't like Eric on the show but he finds him fascinating. He said that sometimes he's a home run on the show and sometimes he's not. It all depends on what kind of stuff he does on the show that day.
Howard said that it seems like a good deal for Eric if he can make this happen. Howard said they have to get him on the Donny Deutch show to talk about this big plan of his. He had to go to break a short time later.
The caller said that their music is awful too. Howard said that he's being a little tough on them. Howard said that he's having them on and they're already set up in there. He asked the guy who he thinks is good. The guy said he likes Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails. Howard asked how anyone makes money in the music industry. He said that there was an article out about how Wal-Mart wants to sell their albums for 9 bucks now and the record companies can't say no to something like that. Howard wondered if they're making money on iTunes.
The caller suggested they keep the interview to 10 minutes max. Howard said that he'd see what he could do. The caller wanted to do some of the interview so Howard said that was fine. He said he'd keep him on the phone and let him ask some questions. The guy said that he was going to ask where he's been and why he can't make good music. Howard said he had to get out of this conversation and let the guy go.
Howard took another call from a guy who pointed out that Adam Duritz blew Howard off at one of his birthday shows and he went off on him one time. Howard said that it was no big deal and he doesn't care about that. The caller also asked about Billy Joel's wife and if she's as hot in person as she is in pictures. Artie said that she was. He met her out in the Hamptons last year and she was smokin hot. The caller asked if she's chatty. Howard said she's not too bad actually. Robin said that she doesn't have long, boring stories like she apparently does. Artie said that Joel's wife went out of her way to tell him she'd seen him on Entourage.
Gary said that he was in a board meeting where they discussed that stuff. He's on the board of LifeBeat so he had to hear all of this stuff. He said he was asked about the comments and he had a hard time saying that it was just a joke.
Artie said that he was just mad at one person and going off on that one person, not a group of people. He said that even Gary had called people names and wondered why they weren't going after Gary. He said that he'd be willing to apologize for it because he wants them to keep getting the money.
Gary asked Artie if he's sorry for what he said. Artie said that he is sorry for what he said but not that he was saying it to Mike. He said that he would never want to upset anyone who has a disease like that. Howard said that he knows that it's hard to be funny 5 hours a day and that was just his attempt to be funny.
Robin said that George Takei has tried to get him to stop with that stuff but he won't do it. Gary said that there is a guy who listens to the show who is gay and writes to the NY Times about this stuff. Artie said that he doesn't really want Mike to die from AIDS, it was just something he said in anger.
Artie said that he could pull clips of everyone in there saying something about gay shit. He doesn't want people to think that this is his stance in life. Howard told him that he needs to change and not use so much gay material and be more sensitive. Howard said he's stopped doing a lot of gay humor over the years and maybe Artie should stop.
Howard asked Artie if he would be willing to go to the board of LifeBeat and make out with a man. Artie said no way to that. He asked if they wanted him to get AIDS. Gary asked them to calm down with that and help him out a little bit there. He still has to go to those board meetings.
Howard told Artie he should go the opposite way and give the money to an anti-gay charity like those God Hates Fags people. Artie said that he would never do that.
Gary said that Robin was turned down from giving to a charity after they started doing ''It's Just Wrong'' on the show. Robin said that she got kicked off of that charity because of that stuff. Artie said that this thing comes at a bad time because he just got his bullet points for his PSA that he's going to be doing about the word Fag.
Artie read through some of the notes he had for this PSA he's doing. He said that he's not sure how he's going to get through this. He said that he's going to be offering to give $100 to a charity for every time he screws up saying the word ''fag.'' He said that people have to catch him doing it on tape and he'll have to send in that money to the charity. Gary told him he's going to be broke after that.
Howard said he had a prank call to play where they have Evil Dave calling a gay bath house. He went right into that clip a short time later.
After playing that clip Howard said it was a shame that Artie was kicked off of that charity. Artie said he's upset too because he felt really good when they'd give the money from those cupcakes to LifeBeat. Howard said that he can see why they might be upset though. Artie said that he remembers when Elton John had called Sam Kinison out about some bits he was doing. He's not even sure if his cupcake is still available at Crumbs.
Lisa said that they have a story about Gary winning back his BabaBooey.com domain name. She said that he's been going back and forth with the guy who owned it for years. Now he's gotten it back for free. Gary said that if you go there you can see a picture of him from high school. Howard said that's a picture that Gary thinks he looks good in and that's why he uses it. Gary said that's not the case, it was just a picture he wanted to throw up there.
Howard said that he has to admit that Gary really does look good in that picture. Artie said that they use a picture of him down in Atlantic City on billboards and it looks nothing like him.
Lisa said she did some research on the story that was in the paper yesterday and has more on that. She said that they're going to be talking to Tabitha Stevens about getting back into the industry. She's getting paid 5 grand to do one blow job.
Howard said that the chick they show in the paper today is a fat chick. He paid a fat chick to bang him. He said that to a guy it's not always about the looks though. He said that if she knows how to handle a man it's so much more exciting. He said that's what guys need. He said that it's not fun if you have to tell someone what you like.
Artie told Howard about some whores he's been with and how one of them gave him a great rim job. He was going into a lot of detail so Howard asked him to get to the rim job part. He talked about being on ecstasy and how this guy was setting him up with all of this stuff out there. He said that the guy told him to go to his room and he'd be sending someone up with his itinerary. He said he got a knock at the door and it was two women who were solid 9s. He said that it was a brunette and a blonde.
Artie said that the chicks were smoking hot and both of them had that thing where their stomachs were so thin that you could see their hip bone. Howard said that he loves that. Artie does too. The girls told Artie that they were told that this guy wanted them to give him a lap dance. He said that they were doing shots of warm Jack Daniels and downing drinks like Dean Martin.
Artie said that the girls started doing the lap dance thing and were naked in minutes. Then they were lifting up his shirt and stuff like that. He said that he was thin back then too. He said that the blonde started making out with him but he was more attracted to the brunette. He said they all went into the bedroom and the chicks started to mess around with him and one of the chicks put a rubber on him with her mouth.
Artie started to bang the brunette and had a lot of fun. He wondered what the blonde was doing and then realized that she was behind him and she started to kiss his back and went down to his ass. He said she shoved her tongue in his ass. He said he didn't know what to do at first. He said he didn't remember when he had shit last but then realized that he had showered since his last shit.
Artie said that it was startling at first but then she was so good that he just let her do her thing. He said that she gave him a rim job that was so sensual and erotic that about 20 seconds later he had the most incredible orgasm he's ever had while he was banging the other chick. He said he didn't kiss that chick again though.
Artie said that he gave the chicks some ecstasy and the blonde started to blow him again. He said it took a while to finish though because he was on the ecstasy.
Artie said that the guy asked him how his itinerary was when he saw him in the casino later. Artie said the only thing he could think of to say was ''What, no red head?''
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he got a rim job while he was on ecstasy and it was great. He said that he had never done it before but loved it so much he had to have the chick do it every time. Howard said he's heard stories from guys who have been with Puerto Rican women who are very willing to go in and do that stuff. Howard asked Robin if she would ever eat a man's ass. She said she had no idea but Howard figured that she would never do it. Howard said that it's kind of hot when a chick likes a lot of weird shit done to her. He had to go to break after that.
Howard said he had to thank this Jillian Barberie chick for mentioning him every day on that show she does. He had a montage of the stuff she's been saying about him the past few days. He said that she has to win the Listener of the Week award for all of this stuff.
In the clip she's talking about how she listens to Howard every morning. She talked to Joan Rivers about Howard and to some other guests they had on that Good Morning show she does. She mentioned his name during a bunch of different discussions on the show. She referenced a bunch of interviews that Howard had done recently and spent quite a bit of time talking about all of that stuff.
Howard said that they have to do something for that broad. He said that he should have banged her when he was single. He apologized for not banging her when he could have. They talked about how hot she is too.
Robin asked Howard if he's got any crazy fantasies about banging chicks. He said that he thinks that Beth has mellowed him out a bit and he just wants to blow his load these days.
Howard said that he was reading that the Deal or No Deal girls make over 6 figures. He can't imagine that's true. He said he had an audio clip where one of the girls talked about that. She was being asked about Howie and how they all get paid six figures. Howard said he never would have predicted that.
The guys talked about the kind of money Howie Mandel must be making doing that show too. Howard said he doesn't know exactly what he's making but it's probably not as much as they'd think. He said that maybe he is. He wondered if he's making 10 mill. He said if he is, he wants a game show too. He said he just wants to go out and be an announcer or something on a game show.
Howard did an impression of what he'd be like in Howie Mandel's spot on that show. He figured he could handle it no problem. Fred had a bunch of game show sounds playing in the background. Howard said that he'd love 10 million to do that. He said he'd even cut his hair if it was going to offend America. He said that if it means that a bunch of fat soccer moms are going to watch, he'd do it.
Robin asked Howard if he's watching the new Bachelor. He said he is and Lorenzo Llamas' daughter is on the show and she's smoking hot. He said that she's just 21 years old and she's coming off as a psycho on the show. He said that she's really acting strange on the show and saying that she's having feelings for this guy after just being on for 2 hours. He said that he'd fuck her so hard if he could. He said that her arms are a little thick but her face is gorgeous. The guys showed some pictures of her and Howard said they weren't that good.
Howard said he told Robin (Williams) that she was his babysitter and he didn't know why that was so horrible. He said that Robin went out and did an interview where he asked when that was going to stop. Howard said that he'll probably come out and use that in his act. He said that the guy is full of shit and he's just now coming out and talking about how that's when they did meet, when she was watching his kids.
Howard said that it kind of broke his heart that the guy was upset with him for saying that she was his kid's nanny. He said he hopes that she pals up with Heather Mills and goes on shows with her to bad mouth the guy now that they're getting divorced.
Howard said he remembered a bunch of celebrity ex-wives who used to go out and bad mouth their ex-husbands. He said it was a pack of 5 pathetic ex-wives going out and talking about their lives after divorce. Artie said he thought of a Jackie type joke and asked ''What has 3 legs and a ton of money?... Robin Williams and Paul McCartney's ex-wives... Bwah ha ha ha...''
Howard got to the top 5 songs and said he didn't recognize any of them. He ran through the 5 songs quickly. He was having some trouble figuring out the name of one of the groups in there. He said that they pretty much all sucked.
Howard played a song he did like. It was Ed Torian singing some classic rock. Howard also played the ''I'm a Pedophile'' song parody. Robin said they might have to start playing that one for Kenneth Keith Kallenbach soon. She was referring to his recent arrest for allgedly trying to pick up an underage chick in his car.
Howard asked JD which of the clips were good to listen to. JD said that he loves how he ends the show. He had another clip where he was stuttering through a whole explanation. Howard played that clip where he was talking to Pedro about something and he was stuttering like crazy as he was trying to answer him.
Howard cut that clip off and played the end of John's show where he's thanking everyone and asking for any hot chicks out there who want him to call the show and let him know because he wants to stick his finger in their beautiful vaginas and butt holes and then lick them. He said he loves the smell of vagina and butt hole.
Howard said that John is on a couple of times a month on Monday nights. After that he played a prank call that the guys made using John the Stutterer audio clips where he's yelling at Ralph. The guy he was talking to was named Ralph so he thought he was talking to him. They had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Adam works out at the same gym as he does and he's one of those guys who has his shirt off all the time. Howard asked him how he lost his weight. Adam gave credit to Pat Minokia. Howard thought he was on a cookie diet. Adam said that it was all Pat. He said he can't lose weight eating cookies.
Howard heard that he was on a cookie dough diet. That's what he heard was going on there but Adam said that's not true.
Howard said that the Counting Crows are out on tour with Maroon 5 and he wondered how they decide who is going to perform first. He said that they alternate each night.
Howard asked Adam how the record business is making money now. He said that they seem to be in a shambles. Howard said that all of the music stores are gone and Wal-Mart is asking the record companies to make CD prices cheaper. Adam said that records can still be purchased online and in some stores.
Adam said that they wanted to offer up a couple of songs for free but the record companies didn't want them to do that. He said that they have to get the word out there though and that's the best way to do it.
Howard said that their latest album got a 3 out of 4 star review in the paper recently. They said that Adam whines too much but Adam said that he thinks he whines just enough. He said that he doesn't whine, he just complains.
Howard said he was reading about how Adam was on anti-depressants. Adam said that he never said that, he just said it was a fruit salad of pills. Howard said that Adam has a popular band and he's fucked some of the greatest girls in the business and he can't understand why he's depressed. Adam said that he's just fuckin' crazy. Howard asked the other guys if they think he's crazy. One of the guys said that they couldn't confirm or deny that statement.
Howard read that Adam threatened to leave the band recently too. He read that quote from him where he said he was ready to walk out. He asked Adam what he means by the comments he made about the business being degrading. He said that he feels like a bunny sometimes. He kept saying that same line through the interview.
Howard asked Adam what kind of pills he was on. He asked if he was on Subutex. He said he had never even heard of that. Howard asked the guys in the band if they could say what they were. They weren't talking. Howard asked Adam if he drinks and abuses alcohol. Adam said he does drink but didn't say that he abuses it.
Adam kept blaming everything on the fact that he was just crazy. Howard wondered if he was schizophrenic or something. Adam said that he feels like the world to him is just one big hallucination. He said it's like being on acid all the time. Howard said that he knows what being on acid is like and knows that feeling. He told the guys about his acid trips.
Howard said that Adam was basically saying that he feels like he's tripping all the time. Adam said that's kind of what it's like but he doesn't really tell people that. He said that he had this rabbit that he told about that but doesn't have many friends he can talk to about that stuff. Howard said he had no idea. Adam said the guys in the band knew.
Howard asked Adam about being at a hot chick party that they were at out in Los Angeles one time and if he was feeling that way back then. Adam said that it's been going on for a long time now. He said that it could be the LSD he did back when he was younger that really screwed him up.
Howard heard that Adam moved a 21 year old girl into his house and she's not his girlfriend. He said that it's this guy Tom's girl that he brought in because she needed a place to stay. He said that she's a very nice, wonderful person. She's very smart too.
Howard asked if Adam's penis still works. Adam mentioned the bunny outfit again and said that he was a walking metaphor.
Howard asked Adam about some of the names he had on a list of women that he was rumored to be with. Adam denied that he had been lovers with a lot of them. Howard told Adam not to clam up on him. He asked him about Lindsay Lohan but Adam said he's only met her. He said that he's only introduced a friend of his to her and that was it. Mandy Moore was on the list but Adam said he didn't bang her. He didn't sleep with the Olsen Twins or Teri Hatcher either. He said that he has known the Olsen's since they were little kids though.
Adam said that he's dating a fantastic girl right now. She's 26 and an actress who went to Harvard. He said that none of those women that he mentioned were on his list of women he's banged. He said that he's not denying that he's been with a lot of women though.
Howard said that Natalie Portman is 26 and went to Harvard. He wondered if she was the one Adam was talking about. Adam said that's not who it is. He said that would be a great catch though because she is Jewish.
Howard said that the guys have a new album out called ''Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings.'' He said that they would like to give it to the fans for free but the record company didn't want them to. Adam said that they have to stop looking at the internet like a cash register and look at it like a big billboard. He said that their album is up at number 1 on iTunes and amazon.com so someone is buying their music. Robin said that the guitarist was yawning so Adam must be a bit long winded.
Howard gave the guys a plug for their album and for their tour. You can find more at CountingCrows.com. He then asked the guys to perform ''Round Here'' for them. They didn't sound too happy about having to perform an old song of theirs but that's what Howard had requested. The guys went on to perform the song a short time later. They claimed they didn't rehearse for it either.
Howard told them that was one of the best performances he's ever heard... in that studio. He said that the voice and the emotion was incredible. He said he felt chills. Robin said that was real singing and nothing like what's on American Idol.
Howard said he wished that he could get a serious interview with Adam. Adam said that he could take off his bunny outfit if he wanted. Howard told him he didn't have to do that. Artie told him to take the Bunny outfit off and put the Adam outfit on.
Howard said that he thought the song was really incredible and is that they really do sound great. He said that he had no idea what the song was about though so he asked the guys if they knew what it was. Robin said that she got out of it that everyone has problems in their lives. Artie said that he got out of it that he had some black people move into his neighborhood and he had to get out of there.
Adam said that he actually wrote that song for his other band The Himalayans. He said that they covered it in this band and it ended up on an album. Howard said that he got sad during the song and the guys laughed at him. He didn't understand why that was. The guys said that Howard Stern doesn't get sad, that's why they were laughing.
Howard asked Adam if he just sits around his apartment wallowing in sadness. Adam said that he used to do that but not lately. He said that he's got friends and stuff to keep him from getting too into that.
Howard asked Adam about the way they record their albums. They spent a few seconds on that but then Howard asked the guys to perform another one of their songs. They were going to perform their new song ''Washington Square.'' Howard asked what the song was about. Adam said that when he had moved to New York he lost a girl and he realized he had to go out and keep going so that's where it came from.
Howard said that he was curious about Adam's depression but he seems to be uptight about it. Adam said that he's not uptight about it at all. Fred played some sad piano music in the background as he was talking about that.
Howard asked Adam what song is one of his favorites from another band. He said he likes ''Who Child'' and a couple of other songs that were too obscure for Howard. He asked the guys to perform their new song ''Washington Square'' for them after that. They went into the song a few seconds later. The song is on their new album ''Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings.''
After that song Howard asked if that song made Nicole Kidman orgasm. Adam said that they should call her and ask because she's a married woman and he doesn't know. Howard and Adam talked about their careers and how they just have to keep working at stuff to make it big.
Adam asked Howard if he had any requests for songs that they wanted to hear. Artie asked if they could do ''In Da Club'' by 50 Cent. Adam sang a little bit of that for about 2 seconds.
Howard asked Adam if he was a Van Morrison fan because they seem to have some influences from them. Adam said that of course he was a fan of theirs. Howard asked if they ever just mess around and start playing songs out of the blue. Adam said that they do cover ''Friend of the Devil'' by the Grateful Dead. Howard said he hates the Grateful Dead but Adam convinced him that he would like their version. Howard said he might have to cut them off in the middle of it.
Howard said he heard that they cover ''Thunder Road'' and he wanted to hear a little bit of that. Adam said that they'd have to play about a 10 minute long song. Howard told them to just do it. Adam said that ''Rain King'' is the song they perform and do that. Adam didn't want to start in the middle of a song though so he refused to do it. Howard told them to go head and do this Dead song then. They went into the song and Howard let them get through it without cutting them off.
Howard said he loved that song. He said he likes how they harmonize. He said that no one does that anymore since Crosby Stills and Nash. Howard told them they've got something there and they sounded really good. Howard said he's not going to check out the Grateful Dead though.
Howard was wrapping up with the guys but Artie asked for some ''Thunder Road'' so they broke into some of that for him. Adam wasn't prepared but he sang for a few more minutes doing that song.
Howard and the guys applauded them for that performance. Robin told them to come back next week and perform some more. Howard wrapped up with them a short time later and went to break.
Howard finished up his live commercial and had Fred bring them back with a prank call that Richard had made to a woman using his doubled up voice. Fred also played some Led Zeppelin ''Heartbreaker.'' Howard came back and kind of sang along to the song. He and Artie tried to recreate that song the other day when they were messing around. Artie said that he'd love to see the band perform live so he could see them do that song.
Steve said that they have a story about a gay man who said that Artie has gone too far with his bashing of High Pitch Mike. Steve said that they have more on the Big Foot story and what's going on with him up in Vermont. They have an update about Benjy on the Paris Hilton friend search. They also have a story about Chuck Zito and a magazine article he's in.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He quickly ran down the subjects they were going to cover today. Howard replayed some of the interviews that Sal did with the women out on the street about how he looks.
Howard said that he's been remodeling some of his bathrooms at his apartment and his contractor was trying to talk him into a $6,000 toilet. He read some of the notes about the toilet and Artie said that he thinks he has one of those down at his shore house. Howard said he wasn't going to get one but if Artie has one, he might have to get one.
Howard said that this thing will basically wash your whole ass and dry it for you. Robin thought that it was using toilet water to wash your ass but Artie told her that it was fresh water. Artie didn't think his was six grand. Howard said that's how much this guy told him it was.
Artie joked that Robin could get one and load in some coffee to clean her ass. Howard said that the whole idea is to take a dump, then this toilet washes and dries your ass.
Howard said ''Speaking of assholes...'' and brought up Sal's hemorrhoid. He asked the Howard TV guys if they put that up there yet. Doug told him that they did have it up, it should have gone up last night. Howard said that they're still working on the bowling show for Howard TV and he wondered how that was going. Doug said that they have 16 finalists and they just have to run them by Howard to get his approval.
Howard had Mutt on the phone and asked him what he had coming up tonight. Mutt said that they'll be talking about the merger approval from the DOJ and what might happen next with the FCC. Mutt said they'll also come up with some new names for Robin's Girls Night Out group since that name is already taken. The show airs tonight at 7pm on Howard 101.
Artie said that he gave some money to Jason go give to Robin's charity. he's giving $1000. Howard said he has to donate some money so Robin said she was hoping that he'd give about 5 grand. Howard said ''Jesus, there goes my toilet.'' He said he would do it but didn't sound too thrilled about it.
Howard said that she may not want to take Artie's money since he uses the N-word. Artie said that he had the guys do some research and pull some clips of the other guys using words like that on the show. Robin told him that he can't be throwing the rest of them under the bus like that.
Howard read some feedback about the Man Boob contest and said that he's never gotten such positive feedback. Some people said that the pictures of the guys were hilarious. He said that one guy said he was looking forward to the ugliest guy with the hottest wife contest they had coming up. That contest his sponsored by AshleyMadison.com
Howard read some mail about Robin and Jim Florentine's relationship. Some people think that Robin is really lucky to have that guy and she should marry him. He read some other mail and had a chick write in about how much she loves him and doesn't think he's ugly at all.
Howard said that some people wrote in about Fred's comment about the Bugatti being a million dollar Chevy. One guy said that the car is the fastest road going car but Fred said that guy was wrong too. Fred said that the car is pointless because you can't drive it that fast anywhere anyway.
Howard read through a few more e-mails about Artie and Gary going out on the tour to the Middle East. Some people think that's great but others think that they shouldn't let them go because Gary might get bored and start distracting the troops from doing their jobs.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about the best fast food restaurants out there. While she was doing that Howard went into his Gary impression and talked about how that would be a great place for a 3 hour lunch. He was referring to the Gary bored in Las Vegas story. Artie said that Howard does this face when he's doing the voice and sticks his teeth out really far and crosses his eyes as he's doing it. Howard spent a few minutes going off on Gary about his boredom.
Sal was out doing his Gary impression in the hall too. Howard mentioned that as Artie was telling a story about how Gary going to the Middle East kind of screwed his friend out of going. Gary said that he told him that he doesn't have to go out there and if he wanted his friend to go, he'd back out. That led to more goofing on Gary. They were still goofing on him about his trip to the Art of Shaving. Gary had punched Sal in the face by that point as he was goofing on him.
Gary asked Artie if he wanted him to back out of going. He said that he would do that if he wanted and he really had no problem with it at all. Artie said that his buddy is over it now and he wants Gary to go with him.
Robin said she found it amusing that Jimmy found her stories too long. She said that Gary's stories are the ones that are too long. Gary said that everyone found those stories of hers too long. While Gary was talking Sal came in and threw a box on his head. No one thought that was that funny so Howard told him to stop with that. Gary said he was going to shove that box up Sal's ass if he kept it up. Shuli was standing there watching what was going on and just enjoying it. Howard said that this is why he likes Howard TV because he gets to watch all of that going on out there on camera.
Robin read a news story about a guy who had won the lottery but he got bored and went back to working at McDonalds. That led to a little more goofing on Gary about his boredom.
Robin read through some more stories about Chelsea Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, a woman suing Wal-Mart, Barack Obama and some other stuff.
They played the Mike Walker ''I'm Fucking Ben Affleck'' clip a few more times during the news. Howard did some of his Ted Kennedy impression with Artie playing along. Fred threw in some Beavis and Butt-Head audio clips too. Robin read a story about Elliot Spitzer being found linked to yet another escort service. Howard said that guy must have wanted to be caught. He said that he can't imagine anyone sabotaging their life as much as that guy other than Artie.
Robin read a story about the guy who invented the Egg McMuffin dying. He was 89 years old. Robin read another story about a guy who had split open a guy's balls during a fight and ended up needing stitches to close him up. That led to the guys talking about fights and how dirty you have to fight in a street fight. Howard said he kicked a guy in the balls one time when he was up against 3 guys.
Robin read a story about a family that didn't get their daughter medical help and just prayed for her instead. The girl died of diabetes complications. Howard thought for a moment and then said that he doesn't think he's ever banged a chick who had diabetes.
Howard said that he heard that there's a big GNO meeting tonight. Robin said that it's not a Girl's Night Out meeting really. She said that a bunch of people are going out. Jason had told Howard he felt left out. He came in and said that he wasn't invited but one of the other girls had let it slip that they were going out. Howard said he's probably afraid to go because Robin will give him another assignment. Robin said that he's making it seem like she's not working but she's working all day long.
Robin got back to her news and had a story about the bands Journey and Boston are going back out with new lead singers. She said that they found their new members through the internet and YouTube. They ended up goofing on Steve Perry from Journey a bit. Howard was particularly brutal talking about the guy. He doesn't like him at all. They played some of their music and talked about how their song ''Don't Stop Believing'' shot up to number one on iTunes after they played it on the final episode of The Sopranos.
Howard said that he had to pee and hadn't peed in 5 hours today. He said he had to go. Robin still had another story to go through so she did that real quick. Artie mentioned he was going to be taping the Donny Deutsch show today. He said that he saw Tori Spelling on his show last night and she was saying that she was so down and out and then she thought about making fun of herself on a reality show. He said she looked a little heavy on that show so maybe that's why she didn't come on Howard's show. They ended the show a short time later, around 11:00am.
Jon moved on to talk about the Counting Crows. Gary said that he thinks that they're a great band and they did some great performances today. Jon wanted to know what was up with the bunny suit today. Gary said he had no idea what the significance of that was.
Gary said that Adam showed up kind of irritated today. He said that he's kind of a curmudgeon about certain things and he sort of likes to do things the way he wants to. He said he may have been upset about the fact that they wanted them to do a specific song and Adam didn't want to do it.
Gary said that they went back and looked at all of the past shows that they'd done and saw that they had never performed ''Round Here'' before so they asked him to do it today. Gary said that they wanted them to do a song that people would know to hook them in. He said that he thinks that Adam heard about that and was irritated that they were forced to do it. He said that may have been where the weirdness came from.
Gary said that they did the song great and then they performed a bunch of other great songs. He said that if they had asked them to do all of the songs that they did today Adam would have been upset about that too but it rally just happened.
Steve the Intern came in and said that bunny suit is just something that he does and he's seen him wearing it before. He also said that he didn't think that the ''Round Here'' thing was going to be a good choice for the show but it turned out to be great.
Gary said that there was a weird reference in the middle of the song and he thinks that it was a reference to him being forced to do that song today. Gary said that he and Ross had a bet about whether or not he was actually going to perform the song. Ross said he didn't think he was going to perform it at all.
Gary said that Adam and Howard both go to the same gym but he doesn't think that they're that close now. He said that they may have been when Howard was single.
Steve said that some people thought that Adam was actually Benjy. They thought it was him because the voice was similar and his answers were kind of goofy like Benjy's. Benjy said that he's heard that before and he thinks that he could even sing like Adam.
Jon went to the phones before Benjy could start singing. The caller said that he thought the Counting Crows sounded great today. Gary said that performing live well is a lost art and those guys really did sound great. He said he was telling the guys that today after their performances.
Jon played a clip of Howard talking to the guys and then talked about how Artie had fallen asleep during some of that segment.
Benjy was asking why the band has to put out a whole album at once when they could just put out a song here and there as a single. Gary said it may come to that some day. Jon said that he thinks that more traditional artists will stick to putting out a whole album of stuff.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he didn't like the Counting Crows today and he thinks that they need to get better bands on the show. Gary said that they didn't have them on because they're friends. The caller suggested some more modern bands and not crap like that. Gary asked the guy how many people would know about the bands that he was mentioning. The guy had thrown out The Bravery and thought that maybe 75-80 percent of the audience would know who they were. Gary said he's pretty sure that it would only be 25 percent that actually knew them. The guy said that Angels and Airwaves was another one that they would like. Gary told the guy that Howard only puts people on the show that he's comfortable with and that's what they're going to stick with.
Steve asked Gary if the band had come in and didn't do that song they asked them to, would they get back on again. Gary said that if Howard was okay with it then they probably would have been fine. Gary said that there are some people he despises that he still puts on the show.
Jon said that the caller had asked about this Bob Levy roast of The Iron Sheik. Gary said he heard about that and didn't really know that much about it.
Another caller asked about who takes care of the mixing of the band in there. Gary said that Scott doesn't have anything to do with it anymore and they have other people and better technology there that makes every band sound better there. Gary said that the band Yes was in at K-Rock one time and it was such a mess that they couldn't even perform that day.
Jon took another call from a guy who wasn't into the interview or the music. He said that he thinks of them as an older version of a boy band and he's just not into that stuff. He wanted to hear something faster or more rockin'. Gary said that they do have some faster stuff on their new album. He said that they're not a boy band though. The guys argued with the caller about the boy band comment.
Steve the Intern said that he's been a fan of theirs for a long time. He said that their album came out and it was a big deal in his life. He said that he likes that when he goes to see a band live and they're doing something different with their songs. Gary said that he was disappointed with them the first time he saw them doing their songs in a different way. Now he's used to it and kind of likes it.
Another caller said that he thought ''Round Here'' was terrible. He said that Adam sounded so much like Benjy that it was confusing him. Gary said that they did talk about that already. Benjy started singing under the caller and said that he gets that all the time.
The guys talked about the band and some of the other songs that they've performed on the show. Some of the guys thought that they had done a song that Howard didn't like one time but Gary didn't remember it that way. Jon said they had to go to break a short time later.
Gary talked about the LifeBeat problem and how they had to stop taking the money from Crumbs that they were making with the cupcake sales. He thinks that Artie is pretty upset with that too. Gary said that he had to agree with the move because of what was going on. He said that the comments that Artie made aren't defendable even though he knows that Artie didn't really mean what he was saying.
Gary said that he could have played the clip for the people on the board but he doesn't think that it would have made things any better. Jason said he thinks that Artie went overboard but he was angry and went for an area that would upset the guy. He's not sure why they would stop taking money from him for something like that because he's not the poster boy for the group.
Gary said that if they had known about some of the other stuff that Artie had done, like the Queer Eye show, they may not have taken the money from the start. Jason said that the thing with Mike wasn't that big of a deal to him. Gary gave Jason an example of what he could do if he was giving money to the NAACP and called someone the N-word. He said that's kind of what it's like with Artie using the word fag and giving money to an AIDS charity.
Jason and Gary went back and forth on that for a short time. Jason was saying that this could lead to some things in the future and he really doesn't think that Artie is a bad person. Benjy said that people have the right to be offended by stuff and he gets why they don't want to have this partnership with Crumbs if this is the kind of person they're associating with.
Jon played a clip from the show where Howard and Artie were talking about this situation. Jon took a call from Artie (audio clips) where he was going off on the guys calling them faggots and cursing them out. Gary said that the thing that was tough for him in the board meeting is that he knew that they had to turn Artie away. He said that there was no other answer even though he knows Artie doesn't mean that stuff he says. Jason still feels that Artie is being thrown under the bus for that stuff.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Artie will never tell Gary he doesn't want him to go on this Middle East trip. Gary said that maybe he should step out then. Benjy thinks that Artie might think that it's the right thing for the troops and that's why he wants him to go instead of his buddy.
Teddy said that he just got a text from Artie saying that he was totally kidding about the Iraq trip. He wants Gary to go apparently.
Ralph called in and said that it sounded like something major happened. Gary told him about the LifeBeat thing and how that went down earlier. Ralph said that's probably best because he does have that air of calling people faggot around him.
Ralph said that he didn't listen to the Counting Crows thing, he was out when he heard that crap. Sal said he wasn't listening to that crap either. Gary goofed on him for liking KISS. That led to Sal talking about going to see Ace Frehley soon.
Ralph told the guys that he went to a Counting Crows show with Howard one day. He said that he realized that the flood light was on Howard and it was really embarrassing. He said that he didn't want to be seen there at that show.
Gary told Sal that he's never seen anyone eat their own shit before either but he doesn't see Sal bending over to do that. Benjy joked that he had done that in 1999.
The guys talked to Sal about going out on the street to do those interviews with the people about Howard's looks. Sal said that he wasn't sure if he should do that or not because he didn't want to upset Howard. Gary said that Sal is so in love with Howard that he was really worried about going out to do that.
The guys were talking about how Sal is still thinking that Beth is going to rethink the wedding plans and he'll be invited. Sal said that he doesn't care about that. Gary told him that he'll never be at that wedding. Sal said he didn't care but it sure sounded like he did.
Jon took a call from a guy who said they should have more musical artists in there. He thinks that Rush should be in the Rock and roll Hall of Fame too. Gary said that there are a bunch of other bands that belong in there before they get in.
Sal was throwing in some other bands that were lame that he thought should be in the hall of fame. He threw those out and got goofed on about the KISS thing again. They had to end the show a short time later.
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Howard started off the show saying that they were going to be talking to Sandra Bernhard and a doctor who helps women get over their addiction with vibrators. He said that they have Homeless Jeopardy coming soon too. He said they have a dial-a-date with Sable the wrestler coming soon as well.
Robin said that she was reading something about Sable recently and she her husband ended up stealing a bunch of interview tapes that she was part of.
After an edited out break Howard said he was watching someone performing at Woodstock and they asked the crowd to sing along but no one was singing. He spent a minute on that and then moved on to the Gary Garver interview he had.
Howard's Los Angeles interviewer Gary Garver went out and interviewed Alan Young who used to play Wilbur on the ''Mr. Ed'' TV show. Gary asked him questions like:
After Howard played that he was thinking of the old ''Mr. Ed'' bits they've done in the past. He had Fred play ''Mr. Ed Meets Jessica Hahn'' as a tribute. Howard and the guys talked about how funny some of that stuff was in that bit. Howard said that it was inspired by Jessica's story about Sam Kinison falling asleep while he was inside of her one time.
Howard said he's on a diet of more protein and less carbohydrates. He said he likes to go out to eat but the restaurants always screw up and give him too much of the wrong stuff. He said that he loves Italian food but he ends up eating too much pasta.
Gary said that he knows how Robin can laugh at guys who don't look that good and he doesn't think he wants to get to that point so Robin can laugh at him. Robin said that she knew that Howard was looking good today.
Gary said that Robin has lost some weight and she's looking good these days. Robin thanked him for that. Then Howard said that they're really all a mess but they're all blowing smoke up each other's asses.
Howard said that Gary was looking kind of fat for a while. He said he was up to 211 but now he's down to 182 and he's going to his high school reunion in a couple of months so he has to be ready for that. Howard told Gary he's like a woman with that. That's what his wife would do if she was going to a reunion. He said that they should want to look that way all the time to be healthy.
Gary told the story about this guy who came up to him when he was leaving the parking garage. He said that the guy came up to him a couple of times in the past year. He said that he comes up to him and tells him he's from Connecticut just like he is and asks for some money saying he lost his wallet. He told the guy that he knew what he was doing and the guy walked away. Gary said that he was doing it in the afternoon last year when he approached him.
Robin said that she had a guy do something similar to her one time. She told the guy she didn't need the money back and just gave it to him to make him go away.
Howard said that he's hoping that in a few years they'll all be able to work from home and not have to deal with people like that.
Howard talked about this Woodstock concert that was going on and how there were guys copping feels off of the chicks who were taking their tops off. He said that there was a cop who got in trouble for posing in some pictures with naked chicks.
Howard told Melrose he saw him on the Pay-Per-View coverage. Melrose was thrilled about that. Then Melrose started to tell a long, boring, drawn out story about his experiences up at Woodstock and Howard couldn't take it. He told KC to take him out of the studio. Then Melrose told Howard how Bob Dylan spoke to him but that story was just as boring so he finally booted him right out. Melrose couldn't believe it was the end of his segment.
He told him about what was going on out there at the concert and how there were fires all over the place on piles of garbage. He said that there were like 7 kids killed up there but Robin didn't think that was true. The guy said they were jumping on a circus tent. Howard ended up hanging up on that guy because he was so bored with the story.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she wants to go on a date with Mike Gange. Robin laughed and said that she's the only one. Gary asked her for the first two digits of her weight. She then revealed that she's pretty big. Howard told her that Mike would think that he's way better looking then she is. He hung up on her.
Howard took another call from a guy who was talking about the John F. Kennedy coverage that was on TV lately. He said that he tries to see up Jackie O's dress when she bends over. He said that he can't help it and has to look every time. Howard let that guy go after he gave a lame joke suggestion to Jackie.
Howard said he walked out early and one of the girls there said she knew that he'd walk out early. He said he was desperate for entertainment and thought he could enjoy that movie. He was out of there after about 45 minutes.
Robin asked if Howard had seen ''Eyes Wide Shut'' yet. Howard said he hadn't seen it yet. Gary said his mother saw it and told him it was like one of the worst movie's she's ever seen. Robin said she's heard it was really good and people are just misunderstanding it. She said that she doesn't have very good taste in movies though so she's not trusting that review.
Howard said that every theater is always packed in the city so it's hard to tell what movies are worth seeing. He said that it's great going to movies down in Florida because there are hardly any people there and they're happy to see you when you walk in.
Stuttering John came in to talk about how bad ''Eyes Wide Shut'' was. He told Howard he would hate the movie. He told the guys how bad the acting was. They went to break a short time later.
Everyone told him that they know he's full of it and he's thinking that everyone is stupid enough to fall for his story. Howard told Benjy that because he's so weird, he's not going to be invited to Scores. He was on the list until they saw him in his big green dress.
They spent a while telling him how he was just starting to almost act normal then he shows up like this. Everyone seems to think Benjy does all of this stuff to get attention. Benjy disagrees with that though.
The guys spent some time talking about the wacky outfit that Benjy was wearing. They had him modeling it and showing off the Do-Do or whatever it was called. Benjy was speaking with this clicking thing and creeping everyone out. They all knew that he was doing it for attention. Howard said it was a dress but Benjy kept saying it wasn't a dress.
Howard and Gary were talking about what goes on at Scores when Lonnie hands over the funny money to them. He gives half of it to Howard and the other half to Gary who doles it out to the rest of the guys. Howard said that he loves Lonnie more than anyone else on this planet. He said he doesn't want Benjy screwing up that relationship with him so that's another reason he doesn't want him going to this party. He said he wants to go to Scores and not have to think about Benjy.
Howard told Benjy that he needs to go and chill out. He told him that he's too big and fat to go to Scores anyway. He said he'd take up too much room there if he was there. Benjy asked him what he could do to get into that party. Howard said it wasn't going to happen.
Howard said that Stuttering John knows how to behave over there at Scores. He said he might not know how to act around work all the time but he does know how to act there.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how he could get into that party. Howard said that maybe he could get in but then thought that they really don't know that guy so they can't have him come.
Eventually Lonnie from Scores called in and said they could put Benjy in his own room at Scores with 4-5 dancers and a bouncer. That way he'd be away from everyone and they wouldn't have to worry about him going postal. That's too much of a reward for him though.
Gary suggested they put him in the same area as the rest of the gang but Gary would keep an eye on him. It sounds like they're still willing to give him a chance. We'll find out next week what happens with him.
Howard talked to Sandra about her new baby and how she has 2 apartments, one for herself and another for the nanny and the baby. They're on the same floor of the building she lives in but the baby stays with the nanny.
Then Howard brought up the fact that Sandra delivered the baby by c-section. He had some article in which she explains why she had it by c-section. Howard asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she was surprised that she actually admitted it in the article. It had something to do with her having herpes but she didn't really want to get into it this morning. She said some mornings are easier than others and today wasn't a good day for it.
Sandra changed the subject. She said that she's still sleeping with the father of the baby but she still hasn't said who that is.
Howard then brought up another article that said Sandra, Madonna and Roseanne, who are all into this Jewish Kubala thing, have a Rabbi who keeps a beeper so that the three of them can contact him when they have a problem. Sandra said that just wasn't true.
Howard took a few phone calls for Sandra before the end of the interview. The first guy yelled at Sandra about having a baby without a father around. The two of them went at it for a minute until Sandra started cursing at the guy. Howard had to hit the delay a few times before she calmed down. He had to hang up on the caller so Sandra would stop cursing.
The next couple of calls were a little nicer. One guy offered to give her oral sex and another guy told her she was really sexy and thought the first caller was wrong for yelling at her. After that Sandra was ready to go so Howard ended the interview.
You might remember Beetlejuice the dwarf from a couple of weeks back. He's a dwarf who has a really tiny head and giant teeth. Well, Howard got him on the phone this morning because he had some tape of him trying to do some intros for a segment they were putting together for the E! show.
Howard tried talking to Beetlejuice on the phone but he was barely understandable. Howard played the tape where Doug from E! tells Beetle how to say a line like ''What's up, it's Beetlejuice and I'm going to learn how to pick up women..'' or something like that. Beetlejuice was drunk so he couldn't say the line even close to what Doug told him. He'd just blurt out how he can pick up the women and that he's a bad mother f'er.
After that Howard had tape of Beetlejuice puking up his 10 cans of beer that he had that day. He got sick so the camera followed him to the bathroom. It doesn't sound like an interesting tape until you hear the sound the tiny-headed man makes. It's kind of like. ''UUhhKK.. GUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLLL'' along with the sound of fluid dumping into the toilet. It was a very strange sound. The poor guy must have puked 10 times on the tape.
The sound was so strange that everyone was laughing hysterically when they heard it. Howard tried talking to Beetlejuice after playing the tape but he couldn't understand him so he just thanked him and got off the phone. You can see Beetlejuice at www.jollydwarf.com.
After that Howard replayed the Gary Garver interview that he had played earlier in the morning. He said he had a new joke to tell but he wanted Jackie to tell it because it was his joke. Jackie wanted Howard to play it but he ended up doing it himself. They spent a few minutes on that stuff before Howard took a call from Dr. Devore.
The Dr. explained how some women become so dependant on vibrators that they're no longer able to have an orgasm with human stimulation. Women can go to him for therapy. He said that some women take 6 months to get over the addiction and one woman took 18 months to get over it. He charges $100 an hour for this therapy.
Howard and Dr. Devore also spoke about some other strange things that people go to therapy for. The Dr. Said that he has both men and women come in who have sex with animals and are unable to stop. He even said that some people who grew up with animals on a farm may be very upset when their lover gets sent to the meat market.
Dr. Devore also spoke about people with shoe fetishes who get very upset when their shoe is beyond repair and they have to get rid of it. Then we find out that Dr. Devore says he's not a man or a woman.. He's an ''Inter-sex person.'' He claims that he was born a hermaphrodite and his parents chose to have him raised as a male. He's currently involved with another ''Inter-sex'' person. Dr. Devore believes that people born like that should be left alone and should make their decision when they get older. He's also against circumcision as Howard is.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for the Dr. also. One woman said she was upset about the conversation because she runs a sex toy company and thinks that vibrators are great. Howard and Robin tried to explain that the Dr. isn't against vibrators, he's just warning women that they can do it too much.
Howard also had notes on how some boys, when the reach puberty, have periods. Benjy came in and explained how the boys have a penis but on the inside they have female genitals. The Dr. Said Benjy explained it perfectly. It's another form of being a hermaphrodite.
The last call Howard took was a woman who said her boyfriend fantasizes about giving fellatio to men and even fellates himself about once a year. Howard told her that the guy is probably gay and she should run away from the relationship. The Dr. disagreed and said that a lot of men fantasize about doing stuff like that but they're just fine. They went to break after that.
The woman told Howard the way that Kathie Lee was spinning it to make it seem like it was the kid's idea. Howard said it was obvious that she was making the kid do that.
Howard let the woman go and spent a few minutes talking about how Kathie Lee really should get some help. He said that someone needs to keep an eye on her 24 hours a day. He said that she should realize what she's doing to that kid and how much it's going to screw him up.
Howard said that he needs to point these things out to people. He said that he knows that she's very proud of her kids but you have to draw the line somewhere and protect them. He said that he's surprised that Kathie Lee doesn't wear that kid as an Easter bonnet on her head. Like a living, breathing sculpture.
Howard said he knows that he's not the greatest father in the world but he wouldn't throw his kids into the movies. He said that he'd let them do it once they turned 18 but not when it's a young child like this Cody.
Juan, Joey and Steve are the three guys who paid the big bucks to watch the Gary videotape where he begs his girlfriend to come back to him. They were so funny that day that Howard decided to have them come in to hang out during Robin's news segment today.
When the guys came in they were showing Howard some medical book with pictures of men who had syphilis and anal warts and crap like that. Howard told them he was trying to eat and he couldn't look at that stuff.
One of the guys, Juan, told a story about how he'd gone to Scores and one of the strippers had given him her phone number. Since he's married he decided to do the right thing and get rid of the phone number. He ripped it up, tossed it in the toilet and flushed it away. Later that evening his wife called him to the bedroom. Apparently the toilet backed up and she saw the piece of paper in there. She pulled it out and pieced the paper together and yelled at him for it. So much for doing the right thing.
Howard took a call from a 15 year old kid who was telling some stories that he got bored with pretty quick. He hung up on him. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard played a voice mail that David Spade had left for him and ended up arguing with Gary about calling him back. He told Gary to call David back with his phone number so he can call him back. The guys were all goofing on Gary after that. They were watching him on his office camera and laughing even more so Howard asked the E! show guys to shut that off.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. She read through a bunch of stories. Then the guys started goofing on Jackie so Jackie asked Scott DePace to turn Gary's camera back on to get the attention off of him. Robin was back into her news a short time later.
Robin went through a bunch of stories and played some audio clips. All of the guys were commenting and joking about most of the stuff she brought up. She wrapped up her news and Howard played some more of the Beetlejuice vomiting and then ended the show around 9:45am (Master Tape Theatre time).