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KC told Howard about a story that appeared about Beetlejuice, Lester Green, in a local paper. It said that Beet used to be a skier in the special Olympics. He was very competitive according to the article. He was also a runner and he did well in those events. Beetle said he doesn't ski much but when he does, he does it at the top of a mountain. Beetle was up to his usual answer of questions with ''Me!?'' and then the answer.
The article also described how Beet grew up with kids making fun of him but now those same kids are asking for his autograph. Howard read through the article and spent a few minutes talking about what was in that. Howard moved on to the game after that.
The first contestant was a guy by the name of Steve who just happened to be in the city today on a visit. Howard told him how they were going to play this game. Howard would give the contestant a word that he had to get Beetlejuice to say. He can only use one word clues to get him to say the word. If he won he'd win a trip to Nantucket courtesy of Nantucket Nectars fruit drinks.
KC put headphones on Beet's ears so he couldn't hear the Password. The first word was ''Bicycle''. Steve said ''Pedaling'' and Beet mumbled something unintelligible. He then said ''Handlebars'' and Beet said ''Bike''. Close enough for Steve to win. Howard didn't know what happened. He thought it would be near impossible to get him to say the word or anything even close. Howard decided to let Steve play another word even though he'd already won. The next word was ''Computer''. Here's what Steve said and Beetlejuice's response:
Howard said that you can visit PicklePilot.com for more info on the porno that Beetle will be shooting later this year. You can also check out JollyDwarf.com for info on upcoming appearances for Beet. He'll also be in ''Scary Movie 2'' which opens July 5th. Someone also said that Beet has been shooting ''Men in Black 2'' with Wil Smith. Beetle said he's been hanging out with those guys lately and he's having a good time on the set. How true that is remains to be seen. Beetle hung out after the game to sit in during Robin's news segment.
Before Robin could get started though, this guy Johnny T-Bone called in and said that he's dating Beetlejuice's sister Erica. He told Howard how he met Erica at a bar and now he's banging her. He even said he's going to marry her. Beetle started getting pissed right away. He started cursing at the guy and called him an asshole a few times. Beet denied that this guy is going to be part of his family because his sister doesn't love anyone but herself. The two of them went at it for about 10 minutes. It sounded like T-Bone knew what he was talking about but Beet didn't want to hear it and he was calling the guy a ''faggot ass'' and a ''punk ass'' halfway through it. He even said he'd kill the guy if he sees him with his sister. Howard seemed to believe what the guy was saying but he wasn't sure about it. He eventually had to take a break so he hung up on T-Bone and calmed Beetlejuice down a little bit.
After the break Howard came back and had Robin get into her news. He said he checked during the break and found out that guy had never even met Beetlejuice's sister. Beet came back in and Howard let him know what he found out about the caller that was busting his balls earlier. Robin had just come back into her booth so Howard asked her if Beet was out having sex with her. Beetlejuice said that's what was going on.
Robin got into her news and Beetlejuice sat in to comment on the stuff she brought up. At one point the guys thought he was crying. Beetle said that they were fake tears though. High Pitch Eric called in so Beet talked to him for a short time. Eric said that he's been doing appearances with Beetle and he always runs around naked there. Beetlejuice said he does do that.
KC said that Beetlejuice does an impression of Eric. Howard asked him to do it so Beet went into a High Pitched voice and did that for a few seconds. Vinnie Favale said that he does Ralph Cramden from the Honeymooners too but when he was asked to do it, he just mumbled something about the Honeymooners and didn't really do an impression.
Howard took a call from Angry Black who told Howard about a stripper who had given him a lap dance and had passed away recently. He also told Howard that Richard Jeni was on another clone show bad mouthing him. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go a short time later.
Howard and the guys had some fun talking about the various stories that Robin brought up. Beetlejuice would throw in a comment here and there. Vinnie Penn would pipe in once in a while too.
Gene noticed that Howard had the bust of him sitting next to the picture of OJ in the studio. He's sent it to Howard recently. Of course Craig was doing his ''Gene'' and saying a bunch of funny stuff. The real Gene said that he doesn't sound anything like him but he really does.
Gene thinks it's a more high pitched voice that Craig does. Gene did an impression of Craig doing an impression of Gene which was pretty funny also.
Of course Craig made jokes about how KISS takes their fans money and how they invented just about everything. Real Gene took it well and laughed hysterically at a few of the jokes. Gene also explained that every band, no matter who they are, are in this game to make money. They're all corporate entities that are there to make money and KISS has made close to half a billion dollars with their merchandising.
The fact that Gene has slept with over 3000 women also came up. Gene explained how he doesn't mess around with the B.S. of trying to sweet talk a woman. He just talks to her honestly and if he finds one attractive, he'll tell her that right off. Howard thought of the relationships as one night stands but Gene doesn't see it that way.
Gene was in to promote a few things including his autobiography which will be out in the fall and a KISS box set that will cost about $250. The main thing he was promoting was a new KISS casket! He said he'll be at the Jacob Javits Convention Center tomorrow from 10am to 3pm promoting this thing. It's a full sized actual casket that will cost you about $4500. It's waterproof so it can also be used as a cooler in your house. So you can enjoy it while you're alive and dead. Of course it has KISS stuff all over it.
Howard took a couple of quick phone calls from people and then let Gene talk about how KISS has come close to beating the Beatles in sales and attendance records. He said they've actually beaten The Beatles in some attendance records. Craig's ''Gene'' said they beat the ''Most Anal'' record and they actually invented anal sex because the band was getting tired of vagina.
''Gene'' also joked that on KISSOnline.com you'll soon see a ''Cash-Cam'' where you can watch Gene count your money. Of course you'll have to pay to see him counting your money. The real Gene laughed at that whole idea.
Someone on the phone asked Gene if he's ever banged any famous chicks like Pamela Anderson. He started to talk about Pam when ''Gene'' interrupted and said that he'd banged Betty Crocker. The real Gene just said ''I give up.'' Another caller said he'd been to 13 KISS shows. ''Gene'' interrupted again and said that KISS' first fan was Eleanor Roosevelt.
Chaunce Hayden called in and tried to tell a story about going to Scores with Gene but Gene said it wasn't true. Chaunce said that he and Gene compared tongues and Gene lost to him, threw down his non-alcoholic drink and ran out when he lost. Gene swore on his children that he's never done anything like that in his life.
The other reason Gene was in was to promote a band called The Rosenbergs. One of the guys from the band was there to tell a story about how a web site tried to have their band sign a 23 page contract that would have made them almost slaves. They wanted their first 6 records and a bunch of other stuff. Gene was there to warn other bands to be careful with stuff like this. He said there's nothing like having a real record company behind you to give you an advance and to distribute your records.
Howard spent a short time talking to that guy and then wrapped things up after bringing in a couple of Gene's fans. Two women came in dressed up as KISS members and said they'd like to have sex with Gene. Gene just told them about his new KISS casket and how they could use it as a cooler.
Howard was talking about a drawing program, Colorworks, he was using on his computer and said that he was inspired to ''paint'' some stuff in this program by Sally Jesse. He pulled up the picture to show to Jackie after explaining what he had done.
Howard had some audio clips of Hank the Dwarf on his computer so he told Robin about those and how he was going to be making full multimedia presentations based on this beast Sally Jesse Raphael because he hates her. He said that she's the biggest beast on the planet.
Howard eventually pulled up his picture and showed Jackie the ''F the Skull of Sally the Dragon'' picture. He said he did that over the weekend. He had taken a picture of her off the internet and had a penis inserted into the side of her head. He said he's going to keep that on his computer so it shows up whenever his computer locks up. He said that the diskette that he had the picture on had just melted from the heat in the studio. He talked about that for a short time.
Howard said he worked on some other pictures over the weekend. He said that he was able to take his face and melt it into a sand dune picture. He was also talking about how he was listening to some metal music while he was doing his painting. He said that he was very angry and he had to vent somehow so that's how he did it.
Howard said that he has to bring in all of his art work to show to Robin sometime. He said it's unbelievable what he has going on there. He said his hobby seems to be avoiding his family. '
Robin couldn't believe that Howard was spending so much time working on pictures of Sally Jesse Raphael. Howard said he can't imagine spending time on anything else. He said he called Jeff Schick from IBM and asked him what program he should be using for something like that and he was told about this Colorworks program. He said he spent about 2 days learning it and then started drawing stuff. He said he felt good after he got that stuff out of his head and on the computer. He said all he knows now is that he's created a masterpiece. Now he's at peace and doesn't need to do anything else.
Howard said he saw Sally on with Charles Scrotum (Grodin) the other night and the two of them ended up talking about him. He said he had the audio of that to play for Robin. After an edited out break Howard came back and played that clip. Sally and Grodin were talking about Howard and the ''hateful'' things he does. Howard said you don't even know what the guy is talking about in that clip.
Howard played some more of the Grodin interview with Sally and goofed on the two of them for a few minutes. He talked about how she could be replaced in a second if she left that show. He pointed out that she's not a personality who isn't replaceable. He goofed on her looks and how her face was frozen after some botched facial surgery and how they have to cover her up with a layer of make up that makes her look ridiculous.
Howard said all of that stuff is what inspired him to draw the picture of Sally getting her skull f'd. He said he had to create that for Robin so she could have it on her computer as well. Robin said she didn't think about her once this weekend so she's not sure why he's so obsessed.
Howard said he'd love to have that crater face call into his show to take him on. He said he can't blame the doctor for the way she looks, he had to put the blame on her.
Actor Corbin Bernsen came in to talk to Howard about what he's been up to. He talked about the movie he's filming and that led to the guys talking to him about his wife Amanda Pays. Howard talked to Corbin about what a ''hunk'' he was when he was on L.A. Law. He said he stopped watching the show himself. He said that he can't stand to watch lawyers because he has so many of them on his own payroll. He said he started getting crazy when he thought about some of these lawsuits that come up because of shows like L.A. Law.
Howard got back to Amanda Pays and talked about how hot she is. He said that if he was with her, he'd have 5 kids by now. He asked Corbin about how he met her so Corbin went into a story about how that all happened. He said that he has a theory about guys and their ''seed dispersal'' around the world. He said that's why he doesn't get monogamy. Howard said that he gets that and he knows exactly what he means.
Corbin and Howard talked about this need to get around with women. He said that he doesn't cheat on his wife but he does have that urge to be with other women. He said it's natural though. He does look at other women and will flirt with them but that's about it. Howard told Corbin that he does some spanking and stuff on his show to at least get to touch other women.
Corbin talked about going on vacation one time and walking into a hotel one time and seeing this really hot woman there. He said he ended up hooking up with her that night and ended up sleeping on the balcony with her. He said that was just two weeks after he'd gotten married. He said he was hanging out with her for a few days and then he had to go back home. He said that he knew he couldn't go home to face his wife. He said he kept looking at the airplane because he had such a guilty conscience. He said he still can't look at American Airlines without feeling guilty.
Corbin said he didn't tell his wife about that affair the whole time they were married. Corbin said that his wife drove by him one day after they got divorced and she found out about it after they were already divorced. He said he had to tell her about it the day she stopped him and he admitted to it. He said that was just a couple of months ago and 8 years after he had cheated. He said that she cheated on him too so he's not sure why she was so upset about what he did.
After an edited out break they came back and talked about some more stuff with Corbin. Howard kept saying his last name wrong so Robin corrected him on that. That led to Howard goofing on Gary about that because he didn't have the correct name from Gary. Gary had his name down as ''Arnie Becker'' which is his name on L.A. Law. Gary came in and told Howard that he had given Jackie the note with his name on it when he came in earlier. Howard said that didn't happen and he never got the note. He said he should have had it right the first time, not the second time.
Howard let Gary go after Corbin started to fake some snores. He then went on to ask Corbin if he had banged any black chicks. He said he has had some but the story was pretty sick. He said that it was actually a hooker that he didn't have to pay for. He said that it was actually a friend of someone's but he didn't want to get into it. After a little coaxing Corbin said that he was offered the chance to be with this woman and he did have sex with her. He said that they did every possible thing that a person can do and then told his friend about it. That's when he found out that his friend had just been with her 5 minutes before he was. Howard asked him how she tasted after that. He said that it kind of bonded him with his friend for a while after that.
Howard said that Corbin was asking him about the cover of his book and how he got into shape. Howard said he worked out and shaved down his chest to look the way he did on the cover. He told Corbin about the trimmer he has to cut the hair.
Corbin told Howard he looks good on that cover but it looks like he shaved down his legs too. Howard denied it at first but then admitted he had.
Howard asked Corbin about the movie that he's working on, Major League 2, and how Wesley Snipes wasn't going to be returning to play his part. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about Wesley and how he might be getting a big head these days.
Howard got back to Corbin's wife and asked some questions about her. They spent a few minutes talking about her beauty again. Howard said he can't imagine what that must be like to have someone like that. He asked if she's incredible in bed. Corbin said that he's been with her for 5 years and the sex is still great. He said that they're going through a new phase at this point and things are going really good. He said that they really love going to hotels and stuff and doing it there.
Howard asked Corbin about meeting Amanda for the first time and how that went down. Corbin said that she told him that she didn't know who he was and didn't watch L.A. Law at the time and she's stuck to that story all this time. He said that he had the choice of a bunch of Playboy bunnies that night but he could only think about Amanda.
Corbin said that he went to work one day and saw Amanda on the set of Max Headroom and that's when he tried working his magic with her. She was dating Michael Keaton at the time and it was a year of pain trying to make that happen.
Howard told Corbin he wanted to smell his fingers after they talked about these stories about women. He said he was just kidding though.
Corbin told Howard that he had one thing to say about his book. He brought up the wiping techniques he mentioned in the book and how he thinks that you should change the paper after a couple of wipes. Howard told him he changes after each wipe. Corbin told him that he's got to think about the trees they're killing.
Corbin told Howard about how Amanda was supposed to blow off Michael Keaton this one night and she ended up getting it on with him on the bathroom counter at some party they were at. He said that was kind of tough for him to find out.
Corbin told Howard he was going to save some stories for the next time he's in. He didn't want to blow them all in this one visit. Howard was going to wrap up with him after that but Corbin ended up telling him about what a great woman Amanda really is and how much he respects her. Howard said that he thinks that he'll eventually divorce her but Corbin said he thinks she's going to be good looking, even when she's 60 years old. Howard gave him 6 more years before he gets divorced. Then he brought it down to 2 years after thinking about it. He wrapped up with him a short time later.
After an edited out break Howard spent a little more time talking about what a great interview that was. He said you never know how good a guest is going to be. He said he forgot to ask him about doing the Chevy Chase show one time. He wanted to know what that was like.
Gary came in and told Howard that Corbin was still there so they could have him back in to talk about that. Gary said Corbin was working on some stuff for them and he could ask him about that as soon as he was done. A minute later Corbin came back in.
Corbin came in and talked about what had gone on with that show and how he was asked to do it after someone else had dropped out. He said he had an idea to go on wearing a cap with a video camera in it so people could see what really goes on. He said that he actually started to make a tape the night before and laid out what he was going to do on Chevy's show. He said that he went through that whole thing that night and Chevy kind of gave him the snoring thing and let the bit die.
Corbin said that he was going to go back on a week later and show the edited tape but he decided against it and then the show got canceled anyway so it was no big deal. Howard said that Chevy is just a dick and that's it. Corbin said he's really not a dick. He had to run after that.
Artie said that he didn't have any cash on him so he had to put it on his ''account.'' He bought an 8 ball of coke and took a straw from the back seat of his car. He tried to do the coke but couldn't get it through his pig snout. He had to dig a hole through this prosthetic he was wearing. He got a line through and sat there for a short time. He went into the restaurant and had a glass of water and a coffee. He went back out to his car and did some more coke and headed back to the set of the TV show. He got stuck in traffic so he did another hit of coke... while he's still got the pig outfit on. A woman was staring at him from her Lamborghini like she was on an acid trip or something. Artie and Howard started to crack up during that discussion. Artie said he was trying not to spill his coke while he was driving after that.
Artie eventually got back to the set of the show and heard how he almost got someone fired because he wasn't there. He went back into his trailer and did some more coke. He said he kept seeing himself in a mirror while he was doing it so he just saw himself as a pig. Artie was playing ''Babe'' the pig so he had to listen to the movie on tape to get the impression down. He said he had to walk around doing the impression and it was the most surreal day of his life.
After the skit they took the makeup off of Artie and everyone at the show hated his guts because of what he had been doing. Artie said he went back to his motel room and fell asleep for an hour or so. He tried to get up after that. He said it was like the scene in ''The Godfather'' where the guy wakes up in bed with the horse head and there's blood all over the place. He said that the doody was all over the place. He thought it was blood at first but it turned out to be doody. He had rolled in it and it was a mess. He said it had never happened to him before and it hasn't happened since.
Artie realized that everyone on the show hated him and he had to go work with them for another 15 hour day. He couldn't clean up the bed because he was late already. He had to just leave it. He took the bed spread and covered it up. He went to the set and did his thing. He did more coke that day and had to do the scenes with these people who hated him. Artie said that the room was in an assistant Director's name so he almost got them fired and the hotel room was a mess in one of those guy's name. Artie eventually cleaned himself up and started talking to the guys again on the show.
Captain Janks called in laughing and said that someone crashed out in front of his house and got out of his car laughing because he must have been listening to the story. A bunch of people called in after that and said that the story was really funny. Howard told Levy that it was a great revelation... even though Artie told the story himself. Bob said that when they hang out and Artie gets drunk, he comes up with all kinds of stories like these. Howard had to take a break right after that so they could get to the news.
Howard brought in Brian May who used to be in the band Queen. Howard said that he saw him back stage at the MTV awards and he gave him a little bit of a rock star attitude.
Howard said that Brian seems to look a lot like him and he could almost be his brother. He said it must disturb him to know that he looks like him. Brian said that it is interesting because he never thought about it. He said he did have someone come up to him thinking he was Howard once though.
Brian said that he's had people tell him how awful Howard was but he realized that he wasn't so bad and that's why he came on the show. He said that he did see him back stage at the MTV awards and it was a strange way to meet him. Howard said that he was really scared that night when they had him up in the air waiting to fly down on stage.
Howard asked Brian about Freddy Mercury's death and what it was like when he first came out of the closet. Brian said that it was pretty tough when he came out because people had a hard time relating to him. Howard said he always thought that Brian was gay but he's not.
Howard said that Freddy never really said he was gay but he got a call from a hair dresser when he was working in Detroit and the hair dresser said he had an affair with Freddy and he was the best he'd ever had. Howard said it never bothered him that Freddy was gay.
Howard asked Brian if he thinks he and Freddy really needed the rest of the band. Brian said that's not true because the two biggest hits they had, ''Radio Ga Ga'' and ''Another One Bites The Dust,'' weren't written by he and Freddy.
Howard told Brian that he should brag a little more, no one in the band is going to hear this anyway. Brian said that they do this with Ringo too and he really thinks that Ringo was a big part of the band and people don't give him enough credit.
Brian told Howard that he's been separated from his wife for a while now. That led to Howard asking him about when he met her and found out that they knew each other before Brian got famous. Howard said that he must not have been able to resist temptation but Brian said that she just wasn't the right person and he found that out over the years. Brian said that he will probably marry again some day.
Howard found out that Brian and the band used to have to pay 98 percent income tax on some of the stuff they were making. That's why he had to make a home in L.A. so he didn't lose out on so much income. Howard said he doesn't like that England anyway.
Howard said that Brian is there to promote his solo album. He said he was going to play some of the album but he was also going to play along to some of his songs while he was there. Howard said that he actually plays with an English coin. Brian said that he uses a sixpence which is non longer legal tender over there.
Brian played a few of his famous Queen song riffs for Howard. He asked if he could go after playing a couple of them.
After an edited out break Howard came back with Brian and said that they were about 20 minutes away from speaking with Richard Pryor. He said they sent him some sample questions for him so he read one which was about getting up on stage and still doing his act with MS. Howard said that of course he can do that, he's promoting a show he's got coming up.
Howard said that Queen is done now but he just got something in the mail about a new Queen tape or something. Brian said that was a performance that George Michael did at a Freddy Mercury tribute about a year ago. He said he's not fronting the band or anything like that.
Howard asked Brian if he's all set for money. Brian said that he has nothing to worry about and he has someone who takes care of his money for him. Howard told him to be careful with that so he doesn't get screwed. Brain said that he has to trust someone and this guy he has is the one.
Howard asked Brian about how much of his money he had to give up to his ex-wife. He said that it was a lot of money but not necessarily 50 percent. He said it's hell going through that stuff though. Howard joked that Brian has to live in a trailer there in Suffolk County, New York.
Howard talked about how guys really shouldn't settle down and they don't want to get married. He said that his mother was the one who made him get married. Brian said that Howard was putting words into his mouth at that point.
Howard asked Brian what it was like back stage with Freddy when he was with guys. Brian said that there weren't that many guys that he'd see because he was a pretty monogamous guy. He said Freddy used to stay pretty private back then.
Howard asked Brian about his penis size. He told Brian that he's really only an inch and hung like a baby. Brian didn't say how big he was.
Howard asked Brian to play some stuff for them so Brian played a couple of riffs from some more Queen songs. Howard asked him if they ever got any royalties from that Vanilla Ice song that used the riff from ''Under Pressure.'' Brian said that they eventually did get royalties even though Vanilla Ice claimed that he wasn't using the exact tune.
Howard had Brian play some more riffs that he was throwing at him. He asked Fred to sing a song but Fred told him that he doesn't know the songs that well. Howard then played one of Brian's new songs, Resurrection, and talked over it while it was playing. Howard said he likes that he's still rocking in the song and didn't wimp out. Howard told Brian he sounds as good as Freddy in that song.
Howard gave Brian some plugs and said that he's going to be out on tour again soon. They spent a few more minutes talking before Howard wrapped up with Brian.
Howard said that Kathleen is a very big woman and he doesn't understand how he could be seduced by someone like that. He brought up how hot the original Mrs. Robinson was in the movie ''The Graduate'' and how he understood that attraction. Howard and Artie continued to goof on Kathleen's voice and made fun of her for quite a while.
Jason said that Kathleen gets completely nude for about 30 seconds in the play. He said you get to see her boobs and her vagina. Howard asked if the stage is dark at that point. Jason said it's dimmed down a little bit and it's lit the right way for her. Howard joked that she goes off to a dark corner and hides her penis between her legs while doing his manly impression of her.
Howard also brought up how Alicia Silverstone is in the play and goofed on her for a little bit. Howard said when she played Batgirl in the ''Batman'' movie, he thought she had a moustache. He and Artie goofed around with that a little bit.
Howard brought up some of the bad reviews that ''The Graduate'' got. He read a couple of them and Jason got bashed pretty good in the reviews. Jason said he doesn't mind hearing all of this stuff though. He wanted Howard to read the reviews to him. Howard said one review called him brilliant... but he was just making that one up.
Howard said he heard that Kathleen Turner is a vegetarian but Jason said that wasn't true. He said that Alicia Silverstone is a vegan. Jason said that's going a bit far for him and he doesn't get it. He said he respects her opinion about eating dairy products and stuff but he's not going to go for that.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Jason and one guy seemed to claim that he heckled Kathleen one night. He hung up before Howard could ask him about it but Jason said they did get heckled one night and it threw them all off.
Howard asked Jason why Shannon Elizabeth is upset with him. Jason said she's probably upset about Howard saying that she has fake boobs when she claims they're real. Even Jason said it's obvious that they're fake though. Howard also asked Jason if he's gotten any ''celebrity ass'' since he got famous. Jason said he's been with this one chick pretty long and he hasn't taken advantage of his fame for ''celebrity ass.'' Howard wrapped up the interview with Jason after playing the Gossip game (which was edited out of this replay).
Howard talked to Lars' girlfriend Skylar about how she and Lars met. Lars said they met at a club he was at and her friend actually introduced them. Lars said that he was trying to look all cool and waiting for her to come up to him but it didn't happen. Howard said that he doesn't believe that she didn't know who he was when they met. Skylar claims that she really didn't know him because she's not into that kind of music.
Howard talked about the MTV Music Video Awards and how he screwed up Metallica's acceptance speech with his whole Fartman thing. Lars said that he was glad he was bringing it up because he'd never heard him talk about it before. Howard said that the audience was going nuts and the band wasn't letting them get to their acceptance speech. He said he was sorry he did that. Lars said he was glad to hear that finally. It had been 4 years since the show and he was glad that Howard was copping to it.
Howard said that he almost lost his thumb when they pulled him back up into the air at the show with those wire cables they had him hooked up to. He said that it was like a mix of a nightmare and a moment of euphoria when he was on stage as Fartman.
Howard asked Lars about the band and how the record companies have tried to change them over the years. Lars said that they were going out and performing these songs and looking like a mess and they were asked to change their look to fit in but they never did do it. Howard said if he and Robin were asked to do that, they would have caved in right away.
Howard told Lars about how he used their album to get pumped up for scenes that he was shooting for his movie. He played some of their new songs off the new album ''Load.'' Howard got sidetracked by Skylar. He asked her a few more questions and took a guess at what Lars might be worth. He said that it's probably 80 million but Lars said that was a little bit underestimated.
Howard asked if she held out a long time with Lars or if she just broke down and did it with him. Lars asked Howard what makes him think they've even gone there yet. Howard said that he knows he can't hold out that long. Skylar never did say how long she held out.
Howard asked Lars about the bass player who was in Metallica who died in a bus crash. Lars talked about that a little bit and explained how they crashed and everyone walked out except for Cliff. Lars said that they came in and told them that their bass player was dead and they were all shocked. Lars said that they just had to keep going and battle it on like they had been doing all along. He said that was back in 1986.
Howard asked Lars why he was bumming everyone out with that story. Lars told Howard that he was the one who brought it up. He said that he got kind of misty eyed when he watched the story about him dying on MTV a few years ago.
Howard played one of Metallica's songs and demonstrated how he'd bang his head if he was in the band himself. He said their new album is called ''Load'' and on the cover they have semen and blood under a microscope as the picture. Lars said it's the artist's blood and semen, not the band's. Lars said that the load on the cover has nothing to do with the name of the album. They weren't going for that when they named the album. Howard said that he's going to bring an album out and have doody on the cover and he's going to call it ''Doody.'' He said that he's going to mix doody and corn together instead of blood and semen.
Howard took a call from a guy who claims that he goes to school with Skylar. He claims that she dated OJ Simpson but she said she can't cop to that. Lars said he didn't know anything about that. Skylar said that she didn't date him but the caller said that's the rumor at school. She said she's heard that story herself but she never did date the guy. Howard asked her if he ever tried to cut her head off. Lars got a laugh out of that.
Howard played more of Metallica's ''Sad But True'' and sang along to it. He said that he'd love to perform on stage with them sometime. Lars said they could probably make that happen sometime.
Howard said he wanted to play their new single. Lars figured that the record company told him to do that and he really didn't have to. Howard went ahead and played some of the new song but ended up asking Lars some more questions about his first wife and what went wrong there. Lars talked about that a little bit.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the lead singer of Pantera was recently bad mouthing Metallica at a show. Lars said that they used to be a glam band and used to dress up like Motley Crue when they'd come to their shows in the past. He said he likes to talk about that once in a while.
Another phone caller asked Lars about a possible murder charge he had in his life. Lars said that wasn't true either. Howard said that Skylar had a look on her face like she didn't know what they were talking about. Lars said that they have all kinds of rumors about them that go around. He said that people claim they're heroin addicts and things like that but they don't do that kind of stuff. Lars said he doesn't even smoke weed because it makes him paranoid. He said he does drink though.
Howard played more of ''King Nothing'' off the new Metallica album. He told Lars that this music isn't for broads either. He said it's for men. He played a couple of other tracks and said that the music makes him nuts.
Gary came in and told Howard that everyone on the phone wants to talk to Lars about all kinds of different things. Howard ended up banging his head into the microphone while some of the music was playing. He said that he bets that OJ sharpened his knife to that music. He said he wants to eat Kathie Lee's afterbirth when he hears some of their music. That's how crazy this music makes him.
Howard told Lars that he wants to do some male bonding stuff with him after he hears their music. He played another one of their songs and said he was all pumped up from that. He said it was making him nuts and angry though. Lars said that's what it's supposed to do. Howard wrapped up a short time later.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who told him about a promo they were running down in Dallas about an upcoming event they had going on. Howard demanded to hear the promo after the caller described it. He said that these stations do really stupid things like that once they get them on.
Stuttering John came in and told Howard they had a guy on the phone who was going to play it for him. In the first clip they had Gary talking about an appearance he was making down there. Howard said he was fine with that one. He told the guy to play him the one that they're talking about. The guy said that was it but then Howard asked to hear the ''good one'' that the caller was talking about.
The guy at the Dallas station said that this second one was the clip that they were talking about. It was another one that Gary did. Howard said there had to be another one. The board operator said that they stopped running that one yesterday but Howard demanded to hear it. The guy said that they didn't have it but Howard told him to play it, it has to be there. The guy eventually played that one and Howard was letting out a lot of ''ughs'' as it was playing.
Howard got all bummed out by the commercial and asked why they have to put his name into that commercial. He said that he had to retire this year if this is the kind of thing he has to suffer though. The board op said that they had another one but he didn't have it available. Howard said that it exists on tape somewhere and he's not hanging up until they find it.
Howard asked the guy what he's supposed to do about this. He said that he wants Donna Fidale, the General Manager at the station, to start thinking about what she's doing down there. He said that you have to project an image about the show down there and this isn't the way to do it.
Howard said he has to get out. He said he wants to move and just get outdoors somewhere. He told Robin that he'd miss her when he leaves. He said he has a feeling that Fred will follow him wherever he goes. He figured that poor Baba Booey would be working on an ice cream truck if he left though.
Howard wanted to hear this commercial that ran during ''The Bone'' on that station. He said that he wants someone to call in with that commercial so he can hear it. He ended up telling Stuttering John to come in there and rape him. He said he didn't even want him to use any lube. He told him he was pulling down his pants so he could rape him right then and there.
Howard said that Gary wasn't there to do it so he had to ask John to come in and do it. He said his cheeks were spread and he was ready to have him rape him. John came in a short time later and asked what he's supposed to do. Howard told him to just rape him and then told him to get away from him. Jackie was giggling as he was telling John what to do.
Howard was goofing on Donna Fidale for a couple of minutes about her accent. He said he wants her to call back in with that promo. He said he needs to control all of the stuff that gets played on these stations he's on. He said that's why he's such a control freak. He said that Donna might be stupider than Tom Chiusano is. He told her to marry Tom and have some nitwit children. He said they could have a whole house of nitwits running around.
Howard had Mayor Marion Barry (Ted the Janitor) come in to talk to Howie Mandel who was in the studio. Howard told Howie that it was the real Mayor so Howie was a little surprised when he saw Ted walk in. Howard asked Ted a few questions as Mayor Barry and Ted would tell some jokes that didn't make all that much sense.
Howard asked Mayor Barry what he would do to Robin if he could be with her. Mayor Barry said that he'd like to play some ''road'' with him and explained that it's when she lays on the ground and he says he'd do all the black topping.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Ted as if he were Mayor Barry and Ted seemed to be making things up as he went along. He was rubbing himself in a strange way so Howard asked him what he was doing. Ted said that he was thinking about that Robin over there. He said ''Toot the toot, she won't give me that boot...''
Howard asked Ted about using condoms and Ted said he can't waste his time with that, when you want the thing you just leave the thing and take the thing. He had all kinds of other stuff that he was throwing out there. Howie was picking up on those comments and having some fun goofing around with his lines. He had one about ''wiggle the tiggle'' that he kept repeating.
Ted asked Howie if he was the guy that was on St. Elsewhere but he didn't know much about him. He said he looked kind of familiar but he wasn't quite sure who he was.
After an edited out break Howard came back and said that Mayor Barry was still sitting in with Howie Mandel. He asked Ted about what was going on with him and he was throwing out more jokey lines that he was making up. Ted sounded like he was having a lot of fun but Howie said that Howard didn't have to sit next to him. Ted told ''Harvey'' that he shouldn't worry, he should be just fine.
After another edited out break Howard came back and took some phone calls. He spent a few minutes talking to Ted and Howie while he was taking the calls. He told Howie about the awful phone system he had to deal with there. It was a home made system that someone there made.
One caller said he couldn't believe that he'd back peddle on Arsenio Hall and say that he likes him. Howard said he thinks the guy is talentless but he has some strange obsession with the show and he has to watch it. Howard asked the guy why he was back peddling if he said he doesn't like the guy but watches his show. He said he doesn't get why he's questioned by his fans like that every day.
Howard went through a few more phone calls but no one really had much of anything to say. Howie was trying to help and kept saying ''Hello'' for Howard. Howard wrapped up with Howie a short time later.
After another edited out commercial break Howard complained about how the commercial breaks really break his flow and it brings him down so he has to start all over again. He said he has to build up that energy again and again.
After some more edited out content Howard talked to Ted about how he seemed to be falling asleep. He also said that Ted has been looking at Robin like he's in love with her. He got to talk to Robin a little bit about how much he likes her. Howard asked Ted about that attraction and asked him if he knew how she got so thin. Of course they edited out the name of the product Howard was promoting during that segment. Howard told Ted that she's thinking about getting her breasts cut off too. Ted told her she'd better not do that.
Today's Mammary Lane show was over around 1:05pm.
Howard was talking about the big super bowl party they had coming up. He talked to Robin about what was going to be going on with the big penis contest today and how Robin barely looks at what's going on. Gary came in and told Howard that they had 4 groups of 5 showing up today and more and more guys kept coming in. He said that they have a collection of many different types of guys coming in too.
Howard said that this is an opportunity to get the girl of their dreams by coming in this morning. He said he's got 5 out front right now. Howard said he had a microphone in the bathroom so he listened in as someone was going in there. It was just one of the guys from out front breathing heavy into the microphone.
Howard said that people must look at him and think that he's big down there because he's so tall. Robin said that she doesn't think that but she does think that about Gary. Susan the traffic woman was on the line so Howard talked to her a little bit about that too. Howard asked her what guys say about different types of men and the size of their genitals.
Howard asked Susan about what she was doing this weekend with her boyfriend. She talked about that a little bit. Then he talked to Robin about what the guys should be allowed to do about getting ''warmed up'' for this event. He went to the mic in the bathroom again and listened in but there was no one in there.
The first 5 contestants came in for the contest. Howard said some of them were nice looking guys. One of them was wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt. Howard talked to a couple of them about what they were packing in their pants. Howard said that there were some guys who looked like they couldn't have anything down there.
Howard asked the guys if they need time to get prepared for this competition. One guy had a copy of Penthouse with him so he told Howard that there's a picture of him in the latest issue. Howard read the letter from the writer who said that Howard is a non-entity and burping on the air is not funny. That led to some of the guys in the studio burping and Howard telling them that they might have to do a belching contest.
The letter in Penthouse complained about Robin and her laughter. He read through that and then read some other letters in the magazine. He was wondering if he could say certain things that were in the letters like ''flesh baloney'' and things like that.
Howard said he's not sure about these guys getting worked up in the bathroom. He said if it were him, he'd get excited but by the time he got back to the studio he'd be small again. He told Robin and this woman Lois that they were going to be the judges in the contest. He went to a break after that.
After an edited out break we heard the microphone in the bathroom. The guys were getting themselves worked up in there. Gary said he wasn't going to be going in there to see what was happening. Gary also said that they had another group of 5 coming in so they had a total of 25 already.
Howard had Gary bring in the first group of men. They came in and Robin started to get a little freaked out. Howard said the guy with the Penthouse looked like he wanted to go first. He was in the middle of a live commercial for a hair-related sponsor but the name of the company was bleeped out with some fart sounds. Howard talked about some of the sizes of the guys that were in and then Robin talked to Lois about who they thought was the biggest of the bunch.
Howard said they had a lot of guys to go through so he had Gary bring them in next. They picked a winner from the first group and then brought the next group of guys in. Howard said he felt like a woman compared to the guy that was just in there. He said that his girth was impressive. Gary said he was embarrassed too.
The next group of guys came in so Howard spoke to some of them and asked if they were ready. Some of them weren't quite ready. Howard asked the guys to go in and pull their pants down for Robin and Lois. They wanted to get warmed up so Howard took another break.
After another edited out break Howard was in the middle of another live commercial that they were censoring out with fart sound effects. They brought the second group back in a short time later. The guys all pulled down their pants and showed Robin and Lois their penises. Robin was giggling and said she had to take a second look. Lois wasn't looking so Howard had to ask her to turn around and look.
The guys talked about what they just saw and then picked a winner out of the group. Robin said that one guy looked like he'd been castrated. Howard said another guy looked like he was all curled up.
Howard asked Gary to bring in the third group of guys. Gary brought them in a short time later. The group came in and Howard talked to a couple of them. Then Robin and Lois picked out a winner from those 5 guys. Robin said that she wasn't getting worked up over any of the guys. Howard asked Lois if she was getting worked up at all.
The next group came in and Howard said there were a couple of black guys in the group. He figured that they were going to take the win. There was one guy who was playing with himself in the corner so Howard asked him to take it easy with that. One of the guys said that he used to make porn movies years ago. Howard figured he was going to have a good chance to win then. One of the guys wanted to see Robin's breasts to get himself worked up. He said that would really help if she did that. Robin wasn't going to help them out that way though. Howard said that wouldn't be fair to the other groups because they didn't get to see that and her breasts can make guys grow 8 to 12 inches.
Howard had the guys pull down their pants so Robin and Lois could pick a winner. They all pulled down their pants and Robin picked out a winner from the group. Some of the guys weren't pulling them down fast enough so they had to disqualify them. Howard said that he really has to get a TV show to show this kind of stuff.
Robin said that she thought she had a winner until one of the guys showed his junk right at the end. She said that he had to put an overcoat over his. Howard said that the one guy who was bragging was really big and he was the winner. Robin said that she thought the porno guy was going to win until that guy showed his stuff.
After another edited out break we heard Howard talking to Lois about how quiet she was being during the contest. She said that's because she was laughing at what was going on. Howard went through another live commercial and then brought in the finalists.
Howard said it's really something else when these guys pull down their pants the way they do. He talked to some of the guys that came back in and asked the one guy what he was doing under his coat while he was talking to him. The guy said that he was kind of working on himself to prepare for showing it off again. He was the guy who showed his stuff at the last second a little earlier. Howard went through each guy and talked about their penises. He said that all four should be very proud of themselves for getting in there.
Howard told the guys to get ready because Robin and Lois were going to pick a winner from the group. Howard talked to the guys a little more about what they do about women and then sent them off to the other room to get ready for the competition. He said that this is the most bizarre thing he's ever been involved with and he has to retire in 2 years.
Howard had the guys all pull down their pants and asked Robin how they were going to judge. They were all very large. Howard said that they were really blessed. Howard said that one of the guys was so big that they'd need a yardstick to measure him. He said that's what he needs, a big penis.
Howard asked Lois who she was going to choose from that group. She said that the black guy was big but the Puerto Rican guy was even bigger. Howard agreed and that's who the awarded the win to. Howard said that he's going to win a dial-a-date. Robin said that none of them had anything to be ashamed of.
Howard wanted to do a reenactment of a scene from the movie ''Philadelphia'' with Tom Hanks. Then Howard had comedian Jon Stewart come in. He was also dressed as a sailor. Vin the retard, KC, Elephant Boy, Scott DePace and a bunch of gay guys were also dressed in thongs and sailor outfits. Howard had everyone pair up to do the dancing while the Goo Goo Dolls performed. Some of the couples were:
After that song Howard had everyone pair up again so the Goo Goo Dolls could perform ''Name.'' That song went pretty much the same. The singer was cracking up through most of the song. After the dance was over Gary said that his fat stomach saved him from a gay guy trying to grind with him.
Howard said that Jon Stewart and Fred didn't dance correctly so they should have to do a spotlight dance in front of everyone else. They never did it though. Jackie said he was violated during the song when he was sandwiched between two guys. Howard played a little bit of the Goo Goo Dolls new song ''Slide'' as he ended the segment.
Howard had this guy Seth in to talk about how he drinks urine to keep himself healthy. Howard told the guy he was insane but Seth told him that he's been drinking his own urine, and cow urine, for many years and he's rarely sick. Robin said that she doesn't drink her urine and she hadn't been sick once in the past year.
Howard and Seth spent a few minutes going back and forth about the urine drinking and if it could actually be good for a person. Howard told the guy he might be certifiable but Seth said he's completely sane. Howard chuckled after hearing that.
Seth said that he not only drinks his urine but also rubs it on his ears, up his nostrils and on other body parts. He said that his wife puts up with it even when he smells like a bus station bathroom.
Howard said that this guy Seth was actually going to go to the bathroom, pee in a cup and then come back in and drink it. He asked Gary to keep an eye on the guy to make sure he actually does it. They went off and did that during a commercial break.
After the edited out commercial break Howard had Seth come back in with his cup of urine. Seth eventually started taking sips of the pee and gargling it. Jackie was gagging the whole time and sounding like he was going to vomit. Robin kept asking someone to get him something to throw up into before he had an accident.
Seth drank some of his urine but Robin kept telling the guys that the level wasn't going down. Gary thought she was out of her mind because it looked like it was going down to him. Seth kept gargling it and drinking tiny portions of it. Robin was eventually convinced by the time the guy left.
Mitch has had some problems with drugs in the past. He's cool now but it sounded like he didn't want to talk about that stuff because his mother listens to the show. Mitch told Howard he's been doing comedy for about 15 years and he loves it. He even married a comic who works with him on the road. Howard figured that must be kind of tough working on the road with your wife. They own an RV that they drive from city to city. They had to leave it over in New Jersey today because he wasn't sure they'd be able to bring it into the city.
Mitch said he's making some good money doing stand up comedy and he'd like to get an HBO special or something like that. Howard told him he thinks he'd be able to get something like that. He said he knows some people over there and he'd see what he could do for him. Mitch told Howard that he isn't much of a story teller so he hopes that he doesn't mind if he just sits there during the news. He said he'd have some comments about the news so Howard was fine with that.
Howard heard that Mitch lost one of his legs but Mitch said he didn't lose it, he just has a limp. They were going to cut it off but he got a second opinion. He had gotten arrested for drug possession and when he went to jail he had a wound that he hadn't taken care of that got infected. They didn't end up taking the leg though. Howard had Robin start her news after giving Mitch a couple of plugs for some upcoming gigs he has. He's also got a CD out called ''Mitch All Together.'' You can find out more about that stuff at MitchHedberg.net.
Wendy the Retard called in during the news and told Howard about judging a bikini contest the other night. Robin had no idea what she was talking about though. Howard had some fun with her and asked her if she was raped by comedian Mitch Hedberg. She responded with ''yes'' to every question Howard asked her about the rape and other goofy things.
A phone caller told Howard that it might be a little early to be commenting on Dana Reeve as he had done earlier in the show. Howard said that a lot of people are thinking about that kind of thing but they're not voicing it. He is just saying what's on people's minds. Howard wondered how long the guy thinks they should wait to talk about how long Dana should wait before she starts dating. The caller didn't really have an answer for him. Howard had Robin get back to her news. They wrapped up the show around 10:50.
Howard was out at a Grammy Awards event with some listeners. They were in a radio room at a hotel out in L.A. Howard said that there are some radio stations with guitars, amplifiers and organs and he was ready to go home after seeing all of that. He said that the room is full of Howard Stern wannabes. He and Robin talked about that for a minute but Gary asked if they wanted to get to Brian Wilson who was their first guest.
Howard had Gary bring Brian over but Gary wasn't sure where he went. Howard talked about Brian and how nutty he was. Robin said he was with some guy that looked kind of like a woman. Gary brought Brian over and Howard told him that he's been trying to track him down for a long time to get him on the show.
Howard talked to Brian about Joan Rivers since he was just on her show recently. Brian said that her show in New York is very good. Howard said he liked that Brian wasn't with this Dr. Landy guy that used to be with him all the time. Brian said that he's been making some progress with that stuff. Howard said that Brian was with the guy 24 hours a day and he can't even be with his wife that long.
Brian said that he went from poisoning himself to being clean in a matter of one year. He said he didn't want to get into details about that stuff though. Howard asked Brian about Mike Love and if he likes him or not. Brian said that they respect each other's talent. He didn't say if he got along with him or not.
Howard asked Brian about John Stamos being in the band and what that's all about. Brian said that he's a good guy so he's happy with him being in the band.
Brian told Howard that he's going to be doing some stuff with the band and some solo stuff as well. Howard said that Dr. Landy got some writing credits too so he wondered about that. Brian said that they were writing stuff together too.
Brian told Howard that Dr. Landy was a big help to him and he's not just a psychiatrist, he does other stuff too. He said he handles his money and helps him write songs too.
Howard asked Brian not to talk to any of the other radio stations, just talk to them. Brian let out a big laugh when he heard that. He said he's got to talk to everybody. Howard told him that's crazy talk, he sounds like Dr. Landy today. Howard asked where Dr. Landy was but Brian didn't seem to know.
After an edited out break Brian told Howard he had to run off to the bathroom really quick. He said he'd be 3 minutes. Howard let him go and talked to Gary about what was going on there at the other stations. Gary said that the Cowsills were there and they went on another radio station to perform a song. Howard said that he wasn't to thrilled with that because they brought them out there to hang out and now they're appearing on another radio station.
Brian came back so Howard talked to him about the way they developed a sound and then a bunch of other bands ripped them off. He asked if that angered him. Brian said it didn't make him angry at all. He said that he was fine with that stuff.
Howard was annoyed by the other radio stations in the room and asked them to quiet down around him. He wanted Gary to get them into a private room tomorrow so they didn't have to hear all of that stuff going on.
Howard asked Brian about who he's hanging out with these days. Brian didn't really have an answer. Howard asked if Joan Rivers ever goes out to his house. Brian laughed when he was asked about that. Howard also asked him what women he's had. Brian didn't seem to want to go there though.
After another edited out break Howard came back and said that he was going crazy there. He spent a little more time talking to Brian about Dr. Landy. He also talked to him about some other bands that came out around the same time they did. They talked about the Beatles and a bunch of others before Howard wrapped up.
Howard and Robin were talking about Pearl Harbor day and how they were going to call someone in Japan to ask what happened back then. Robin told Howard that it's much later over there. Howard figured that it was about ''Two o'crock'' over there.
Howard and Robin came up with some questions to ask when they make the call over there. After coming up with a few things Howard made the call. He got through to a woman at the Tokyo Hilton. He told the woman there that they were on the radio and the woman seemed to be in a good mood.
Howard asked what time it was there and then what year it was. He also asked how they read those little pictures they write in. He said that he can barely read English himself.
The operator handed the phone off to another operator who said that she lived in New York for 6 months. She said she has some friends there too. Howard told her that he had some questions for her but she didn't understand English very well. Howard asked her something about the oil crisis and if they had something to do with that because they came up with the small cars. She agreed that it could have been the case but she may not have understood what he was asking.
Howard told the woman that today is the day that they bombed us back when they started World War II. She didn't know what he was referring to at first. Howard explained it to her and then she went on to say that she wasn't born at that time and didn't know anything about it.
Howard told the woman on the phone that she is responsible for the sins of her fathers and went off on her about that and some other stuff. She remained silent through that rant. Howard asked if the people over there think that Yoko Ono is a joke over there too or just there in the United States.
The woman asked Howard why he called there. Howard said he called to say that it was Pearl Harbor Day today. She asked if that was Hawaii he was talking about. Howard said that is the place and that's why he's calling. He said that he doesn't want history to repeat itself. He asked her if it will repeat itself and if Japan will turn it's guns at them again. She didn't understand and Howard confused her more when he told her to phrase her answer in the form of a question. Fred played some Jeopardy music as they were waiting.
Howard told the woman that he called so they can remember this day. He asked her another question but then she started to say something in Japanese and Robin said that she was speaking in pictures now.
Howard asked the woman why they eat raw fish. She said that they do that because it's very fresh. Howard said that he thought it would be a good day to call Japan and let them know that this should never happen again. The woman asked Howard if he was kidding her and if not, he should send them a Christmas present.
Howard asked the woman if she likes dating American men. She said that she liked them when she was living in New York. She still didn't believe that she was on the air but Howard assured her that she was. He let her go a short time later. She said ''Good bye new York!'' as she was getting off the phone.
Howard was going off on Gary for not bringing in the guest that they had coming in. Gary came in to defend himself saying that he didn't hear that he was calling for the guest. Howard said that there are other people who should be telling him what's going on. Gary said that the show is in disarray and that's part of the thing that people like about it. Howard said that he wants his guest to be brought in when he asks for him. Howard said that everything in the office is in disarray, even off the air.
Steve Sax came in so Howard told him that he brought him in because he figured that he'd be interested in Robin. Steve said he was actually there to promote the Rice Council of America. He got right into some rice talk and talked about how great it is to cook at home. Howard told him that the Asians are amazing the way they can eat rice with those sticks they use.
Howard asked Steve what this Rice Council is. Steve told Howard that they're trying to promote the healthy part of rice. Robin asked him what wild rice was and he told her that it's not actually rice at all, it's a wild grass.
Howard told Steve that Robin hasn't had a good dump in a week and she might need some rice. That led to Fred playing a bunch of fart sound clips and made Steve laugh pretty hard. Steve asked if Tommy Lasorda was there after hearing a bunch of the farts.
Howard asked Steve some questions and then Steve told him he was warned about the show and thought he was going to be okay when he came in. He said they were talking to his people earlier and they seemed very nice. He said he's seen Howard doing his TV show too and the show was very good.
Robin said that they're always asking Steve if he gets along with George Steinbrenner. Steve said that he actually does. Howard said there's no reason he shouldn't get along with the guy. He pays his salary.
Steve talked more about rice and the good stuff about it. Howard got him back on the subject of George Steinbrenner and talked to him about how he has to perform for the team or he'll get booted out. He said that his boss has the right to boot him out if he's not performing for the team.
Howard said that the players are the ones who are out entertaining and they should be free agents right from the start. He asked when they're going to have ''rice day'' at Yankee stadium. Steve said that they've actually talked about it.
Howard asked Steve about his family life and found out he's got a few kids and a wife. Howard told him that he has two daughters. They talked about their wives a little bit as well. Steve said he met his wife at an animal hospital. He didn't go up to her and tell her he was a baseball player or anything. He said that he knew that he was going to marry that girl after talking to her for five minutes. He said that they didn't start dating until about 6 months later though. He was in the middle of a break up with another woman at the time.
After an edited out commercial break Howard came back and talked about how he and Steve were bonding in there during the break. Steve said that he just needs to get an earring and maybe a motorcycle jacket like Howard has.
Howard said that he wouldn't have been a friend with Steve in high school because he wasn't a jock at all back then. Howard talked about this Rice Council thing again and said that no one ever asks him to be a spokesperson for anything. He wondered how he got that gig. Steve said that they came to him and asked him to do it and he was very interested so he went with it.
Howard asked Steve if he ever nailed anyone famous. Steve laughed and said he never has. Howard asked about the Rice Council again and wondered why they need a council for rice, you either put butter on it or not, that's it.
Howard asked Steve about Pete Rose and if he ever bet with him. That led to Steve talking about how he thinks that Pete should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame but they won't let him in because of that betting thing.
Howard talked about the kind of food he eats and showed Steve his knowledge about things like rice. He gave a rundown of the meals he eats each day.
Howard got back to George Steinbrenner and asked Steve what went on between them. That led to Howard talking more about George and how he's willing to pay big bucks for these players as long as they perform well. He said that some of the guys haven't performed so well and that's when he ends up yelling at them.
Howard had Robin get into some news and had Steve hang out during that. Robin read through some stories and Steve hung around to discuss some of those stories with Howard. While Robin was reading some stories Fred started to play more fart sound clips. Steve was laughing hysterically while that was going on. Howard said that if Tom ever tells him he's not funny anymore, he should bring Steve back in to laugh at him. He said the guy was laughing like mad in there. Steve couldn't stop laughing so Howard told Robin that if she ever wants a Yankee, she should just fart. Steve will be in her pants in a second.
Howard told Fred to play some more fart sounds to make Steve laugh even more. Fred played some and had Jackie laughing his ass off because Steve was laughing so hard.
During a commercial break Steve was talking to Howard about spelunking and hunting and things like that. Steve said that they go hunting for birds and end up eating them. Fred threw in another fart sound and made him laugh hysterically again.
Howard came back and said that he thinks they lost Steve when he went to check out their office door which is filled with pictures of naked women who have sent in pictures of themselves. Steve came back a short time later while Howard was doing a commercial for a weight loss program that Robin had used to lose a few pounds.
Steve told Howard that he's going out to do Rick Dees' show soon so that led to Howard going off on that guy for a short time. He talked about what a stupid, vapid, human being that guy is. Then he said he had nothing against the guy.
Howard and Robin went into their Bob and Ray impressions and talked to Steve about his guns. They told him about some of the stuff they've done with their guns and how they go hunting and things like that. They wrapped up a short time later.
Howard had Mark Harris in to talk about his marriage to Martha Raye. Mark said he was there because a friend from New York told him all about Howard and he wanted to straighten him out about what he was saying about his marriage to Martha.
Howard told Mark that he looks like a young man, maybe 30 years old or so. Mark said he's actually 43 years old. Howard asked him how he met and fell in love with Martha. Mark said that he was out in Hollywood trying to promote some TV shows he wanted to do and got introduced to Martha Raye who invited him over to her place. He said he went over to her place, who was 75 years old at the time. He said that things are different these days and age isn't that big of a deal these days.
Mark said that Martha is a stroke survivor and he went through that with his late mother. He said that it was quite harrowing with his mother. He said that everyone loved Martha Raye so of course he loved her in that way as well. Mark said he went over to visit Martha at her house and she was perched up in her bed. Howard asked if she was nude. Mark asked if that was his perverted side coming out. Howard just wanted to know if she was nude when he walked into the room.
Howard asked Mark about this meeting and how he must have been star struck when he met her. Mark said that he was a little star struck but he just wanted to help her be herself again. He said that he ended up doing her hair for her because it hadn't been cleaned in a while. Mark said that they discussed things over the next three days and he wanted to become her manager. He made some deals for her life story and things like that for her.
Howard asked Mark when he fell in love with Martha. Mark said he wasn't sure he could pinpoint such a thing. He said that love comes in degrees and he didn't have it pinpointed down. Howard tried to find out more about their sex life but Mark didn't want to get into that stuff.
Howard told Mark he sounds kind of like Bea Arthur when he speaks. He asked him to say ''Arthur'' like Bea used to do on her TV show ''Maude.'' Howard told Mark he had to go to break a short time later. He was about to go to break when Mark told Howard that Martha's real name is Maggie Reed. Howard was applauding a lot of what he was saying and applauded that for no reason.
Howard joked that he had dated Helen Hayes but Mark didn't seem to find that very amusing. He said that he thinks that she'd be very insulted by that line.
After an edited out break Howard came back in the middle of a live commercial. He and Mark were talking about a sponsor they had and how maybe Mark could get her an ankle bracelet for her birthday. Howard said that Gary had given him the wrong name for Mark. He wrote down ''Mark Karris'' instead of Mark Harris.
Howard said that Mark is going to be taping Donahue today. Mark said he has a big announcement to make there but he can't give that exclusive to Howard. Howard said he bets that it's an announcement that Martha is pregnant.
Howard told Mark he finds it hard to believe that he has sex with a 75 year old woman. Mark said that it's not something that she'd want discussed on the air and he won't go there. Howard said that he's also getting some faxes from people who think that he sounds very effeminate. Mark said that he gets that a lot even though he has a couple of children of his own. He said that he is a heterosexual though.
Mark talked about this gay thing and wondered why people are so interested in people's sex lives when they become famous. Howard asked Mark what a day is like with Martha. Mark talked about some of the stuff that he does for her and how they have people come over to visit Martha often. He also talked about some of the problems he's had with Martha's family.
Howard asked what kind of house Mark and Martha have. Mark described it and said that he he's pretty sure that it won't change him living in a nice place like that. Howard said he thinks it might.
Mark told Howard about how he bought Martha a negligee one night. Howard went through that story for a few seconds before Andrew Dice Clay called in to let Mark know what he thinks about all of this.
Howard went to the phone and asked Dice what was up. Mark said that he's not sure who this guy is and called him a ''parasite faggot'' and said that he's sick of people like this. He said that he can't believe that this guy is in love with Martha Raye. He told Mark that if he's not a fag, he's on the waiting list. He said that he doesn't wish his wife dead but Mark thought that's what he was saying. Dice did say that she should have been dead 30 years ago.
dice continued to go off on Mark for a couple of minutes. He told Mark that he thinks he's half a fag. Howard said that he doesn't know what his sexuality is and he can't be saying that. Mark said it doesn't matter what he is.
Howard wondered what Dice's hostility is. Dice told Mark that he hopes that Martha lives another 175 years because that's what he deserves. He should be stuck with her for that long. Mark said that's what she deserves and he hopes that she is around that long. Dice got off the phone a short time later.
Mark said that he has won over many people but apparently not Dice. Howard had to wrap up with Mark a short time later. Mark said that he would never pay to see Dice now that he's heard him go off on him like that. Howard let Mark say a few more words before they wrapped up the segment.
Last week Howard played the phony phone call they made to Sal so Sal figured he had to get revenge. Howard played the tape from last week again after hanging up on Sal. Here's what happened with that call last week...
Sal the Stockbroker is this guy who makes phony phone calls to Gary calling him a ''Horse toothed jackass''. Gary got the chance to get back at Sal yesterday. Howard had Stuttering John call Sal and tell him that Howard wanted to talk to him. Howard got on the phone and told Sal that he'd like to give him a job doing phony phone calls for the show. Howard played it straight and Sal was going for it.
Then Howard told him to hold on so he could put Gary on the phone to let him know when he could start. Gary got on the phone and told Sal that he would forget about what had happened in the past. Then he tells him that he can start ''..February 34th.. you HORSE TOOTHED JACKASS...'' So Gary managed to get a little bit of revenge on Sal.
Later in the show another guy called in with, what sounded like a legitimate phone call. That guy also called Gary a ''Horse toothed jackass'' and hung up the phone. Howard was a little pissed so he said that he was going to tell Sal's boss about him not working. Stuttering John came in and said that he did tell on Sal one time and Sal called John crying about it. John said he could do it again if Sal calls in too much. Howard said he'd let him off this time but he'd better calm down with it.
Today's Mammary Lane special was over around 12:10pm.
Howard asked Buddy about his career and how well known he is around the world. Buddy didn't think he was that big of a deal but Howard told him he really is. Buddy told Howard about his ''Hack Pack'' which was the group of guys he used to hang around with.
Howard found out that Buddy was 70 years old and told him that he looks younger than that and looks better than Don Rickles. Buddy said that he exercises every day and he goes to a dojo to work out a little bit every day. He said he'd been doing that for a long time now. Howard said that Rickles can't even play checkers.
Howard talked to Buddy about his marriage. Buddy said that he was married for a while but his wife actually said that she needed space and she's the one who left him. He wanted to keep things together. Howard wondered why he'd want to do that because he's a famous guy with a lot of money and he could have a lot of women if he wanted.
Howard asked Buddy about the shows he was there to promote and why he had to go out and do them when he must have enough money. He said that his son is on the show too. Buddy said that his son has a lot of money that he made on his own too and he doesn't need to do it either. Buddy said that his 3 kids are able to work together and that's his wealth.
Buddy talked about when he got married and how his wife was only 19 years old when he met her. She was a waitress at the Concord Hotel. Buddy said that he really never had that many women because he wasn't very good at that kind of thing. He said he was a virgin until he was around 22 or 23 years old. He said that he wasn't a big star at the time. He said he was embarrassed to get naked with anyone so Howard asked him if he had a small penis. Buddy said he really didn't know because he had never seen anyone else to compare it to.
Howard asked Buddy about Johnny Carson and if he ever hangs out with him. Buddy said he doesn't because Johnny smokes. He said that he doesn't go anywhere that people smoke. He said that he went to a doctor one time and he was told to quit smoking, even though he didn't smoke. He said that he was getting second hand smoke in the clubs he was working at.
Buddy said that he had a special system created at the hotel he was working at where they had a breeze blowing the smoke to the back of the room and another vent in the back of the room taking the smoke out of the room. He said that the owner of the hotel did that for him and he really appreciated him for that.
Howard talked to Buddy about some of the people he's worked with over the years. They talked about Ed McMahon, Arthur Godfrey and others.
Buddy was telling Howard that he's going to keep getting more and more famous over the years. Howard started to get that into his head and figured that he'd get so talented that he'd eventually explode. Buddy told him that he can't keep saying things like that, once he stops, then he'll realize what it all means.
Howard said he was starting to feel some kind of chemistry between them. He asked him if he could stick around for a while. Buddy said he could but he wanted to get in some plugs. He got in some for the appearances he was making down in Atlantic City.
Howard told Buddy that Uncle Miltie likes him. Buddy told Howard that he doesn't like Uncle Miltie. He talked about why he's not a fan of his and then Howard had to take a break.
After the edited out break Howard came back and let Buddy tell some jokes. Then he asked Buddy about some other comedians and if he thinks they're funny. Buddy said yes to a bunch of names that Howard threw out there. Buddy said yes to Dice Clay, Pat Cooper, Sam Kinison and more.
Howard asked Buddy about Joan Rivers and he said he's never seen her act so he's not sure. He has seen her on TV and she's got a hardness about her that he's not a fan of. He said that he likes Jerry Seinfeld, Richard Lewis and Jay Leno. That led to Howard talking to Buddy about Jay Leno and the way Johnny Carson got pissed at him for not thanking him the night he took over for him.
Howard talked to buddy about his marriage and what he did after his divorce. Buddy told Howard about what happened there and tried to tell him some stories about his dating but he was taking too long and Howard was interrupting. Buddy told some jokes while he was talking about that stuff and never really gave him the answers he was looking for.
Howard asked Buddy some more questions about other comedians and what he thinks of them. He was also asking Buddy what he thinks of him. Buddy told him to ask again in 10 years. They also talked about Lenny Bruce who Buddy had actually lived with. Buddy told Howard that there's no telling what he would be doing now if he hadn't destroyed himself. They spent a few more minutes talking before Howard had to wrap up.
In this segment Howard had Sam Kinison in the studio and Martha Quinn on the phone. Sam was rambling on and on about some stuff and told Howard he went out and did some stuff because he figured that Howard deserved to have him at his best. Howard figured he was drunk but Sam said he wasn't drunk. Howard said that he knew he was loaded but Robin said that he was just working on no sleep.
Howard told Sam that he had Martha Quinn on the phone and tried to take the call but she wasn't there when he picked up. Sam was going on and on rambling about all kinds of things. Howard said that he had some other guests coming in and Sam had to get himself under control by then. Sam said that they were treating him like Otis from Andy of Mayberry.
Howard said that he wanted to talk to Richard Simmons too but he also wanted to talk to Martha Quinn. Sam talked about how much he loves Richard Simmons. Howard got Martha on the ISDN line but she couldn't hear him so she was talking about calling him on the phone instead. Howard said he thought that Scott the Engineer had this all worked out. That led to him going off on Scott about that a little bit.
Howard picked up the phone and had Richard Simmons on the line for about 2 seconds. Richard hung up because he didn't expect to be going on the air according to Gary. Howard said that Sam seemed to be shot out of cannon this morning. He wanted him to go out and sober up before he talked to him anymore. Sam wasn't going to do that though so Howard asked him to just be quiet for a few minutes. He wanted to get Richard Simmons on the phone so they could straighten out their problems.
Howard called Richard at his hotel and managed to get him on the line. He told Richard he wanted to straighten things out with him and Sam. Howard was trying to talk to Richard but Sam was talking over him and yelling out all kinds of stuff. Howard eventually asked Richard about Gary and how much he likes him. Richard was saying that Howard doesn't treat Gary the right way there at work and he's not very happy about that.
Howard and Richard talked about what the problem was with Sam. Richard talked about something that Sam had said on an HBO special about him. He said that his mother saw it and she got very upset by it. He said that he wanted to just take it in a jovial way so he asked her to drop it. Then he said he went to his exercise class and one of his students was very upset because she had seen the special as well.
Richard ended up hanging up on Howard after he was saying some stuff that he didn't like. Sam went on to say that he didn't mean to upset Richard's 80 year old mother. That wasn't what he was going for. Howard talked to Sam about what was going on and asked to have some of whatever it was he was drinking.
Howard told Sam that he had to take a break and get to Carol Alt. He asked Sam if he would denounce Mark and Brian today. Sam said that he knew that was coming. Howard asked him who is the king of Los Angeles. Sam wouldn't say anything. Howard said he wasn't hearing anything from him. Sam said that he didn't like some of the stuff that Dice had done on the show about him so he didn't want to hear that crap.
After an edited out break Howard brought Carol Alt into the studio. Sam ended up sweet talking her a little bit. Howard said that the last time Carol was on the show they talked about how she may not be a supermodel, according to Fred. Carol said she almost didn't come back today because of that. Robin said she read that the term 'supermodel' was actually created for Carol. Fred said he didn't know about that.
Howard talked to Carol about what she was wearing and if she had any panties on. She said she wasn't going to answer that so she'll have a chance of coming back in the future. Howard said that she's always welcome to come back. Sam was trying to defend her and sweet talk her while that was going on.
Howard asked Fred why Carol is not a supermodel. Fred named some women who were supermodels but didn't say why Carol wasn't one. Howard said that there was an article in the paper about Carol and they called her a supermodel in that. Fred said it was probably her publicity people who put that out.
Sam ended up taking Carol's hand and told her what he thinks of her. Howard asked Sam to calm down and then told Carol that they were going to listen to her tape after the break and he'd let her know what he thinks of it. Sam was asking her what her sign was and things like that.
After an edited out break Howard came back and told Fred they had to play Carol's song. Sam told Carol that he had to do Letterman and Joan Rivers' shows today and he had time to stick around. He told her that she shouldn't rush out either. Carol said she had a lot of things to do today though. She wanted Howard to hear her songs so that's why she was there. Howard said that Sam had love in his eyes and he was trying to charm her in every way. He said that this was his penis talking today. Sam put the microphone down by his crotch and kept on talking. Howard said that Sam was like a bulldozer fueled by vodka.
Howard asked Carol if she could smell the liquor on Sam's breath. She said that she didn't want to say since he was sitting so close to her.
Howard asked Fred to give this song a chance. He was going to play it but Sam was still going nuts yelling and talking over them. Howard asked Carol what size bra she wears but she didn't know. She said that she's not much of a shopper, she has someone who buys that kind of stuff for her.
Howard played a song that was supposed to be Carol's but it was some awful cover of a song by some guy. He played another one that wasn't her's either. He eventually got to her song ''You Know You Want It'' and played a few seconds of it before he cut it off. Sam was giving her the high sign after hearing the first two lines of the song.
Howard played more of Carol's song and then called her over to his area so he could talk to her up close. He noticed that she was shaking from all of this. She said that she was and she was very nervous about it. She said that she'd give him a hug if he played the whole song. Howard said he wanted a kiss on the lips too but she wasn't so sure she wanted to do that. Howard said he had to take another break and he had more guests to bring in.
After an edited out break Howard talked to Carol about shopping and found out that some guy was trying to pick her up while she was out grocery shopping the other day. She said that it was the first time she had been out shopping without her husband. She also said that she had to call the cops to come out and chase away some fans that were coming up her driveway. Sam yelled out asking ''Was he a porch monkey?'' while Carol was telling that story. He ended up apologizing for saying that. Everyone was laughing at Sam and Sam was cracking himself up. Howard had turned off his microphone but he kept rolling and kept talking over everyone.
In the clip, from the WNBC days, we heard Howard taking some phone calls letting people try and guess who they had in the studio. Redd was disguising his voice. The callers were taking guesses but not coming close. Howard said that he was pretty sure that he was going to be fired from WNBC within 6 months. He continued to take some phone calls and let the fans guess who it was. One guy guessed Bob Hope but Howard said that he said that his guest was funny and Bob Hope isn't funny.
A caller finally guessed that it was Redd Foxx so Howard got into his interview with Redd and asked him about his career and what it was like working for NBC when he was doing Sanford and Son. Redd said that he made some money but didn't sound so thrilled about the syndication money he was making. He said that it would last him the rest of his life... if he died tonight.
Howard was calling him Mr. Foxx so Redd asked him to call him Redd. Howard said he felt like he was getting somewhere with him. He asked Redd where he was going to be performing and he was going to be at Dangerfield's. He said that he'd been off TV for 10 years now and it was about time that he gets back on TV.
Howard said that he thinks that they should get someone from NBC on the phone and get Redd a deal. He thinks that he has the wrong people representing him and he wants to help him get a new show. Howard said he was watching something on NBC the other night and most of the shows are just not funny.
Howard said that NBC is probably the worst network, of the major 3, to work for. He told Gary to get Grant Tinker on the phone so he could talk to him about getting Redd a job.
Howard said that Redd asked for a window in his dressing room when he was working on Sanford and Son and they didn't give it to him. Redd said that they did give it to him eventually. Redd asked Howard if this is what he got up early for this morning. He didn't seem so thrilled about it. Howard said that he's not used to this kind of radio, that's what it was. Redd said that he doesn't have a radio so he doesn't know the show.
Howard was told that he had to call Grant Tinker directly and they weren't able to get him on the phone for him. Howard apologized to Redd for not being able to help him get a job. He thanked him for coming in and wrapped up a short time later.
In this segment, from March 17, 1997, we heard Howard talking to Richard Belzer about the movie ''Private Parts.'' Belzer also talked about how he was in town to shoot his HBO special.
Belzer noticed a picture on the wall and asked who it was. It turned out to be Big Black's press photo that they found to be pretty funny so they hung it on the wall in the studio.
After and edited out break Howard came back and said that they had some fat chicks show up to get their breasts painted green for St. Patrick's day. He had the girls come in a short time later. Belzer wanted to get that over with as quickly as possible. He asked Howard to get through it. Howard spent a minute talking to the girls about going out to the St. Patrick's Day Parade. He said that these people should be at their jobs, not going to some parade today. One of the women said that she works as a postal worker. Howard said that this girl was kind of chubby and she must like to eat. He guessed that she was about 200 pounds but she said ''Oh my god, no!''
Howard asked the girl what she's been eating. She told Howard that she got married when she was skinny so he felt sorry for the husband. She said that he gained about 40 pounds too. Howard said he doesn't understand that. He asked about the food again and asked if she ever turns down the cheese steaks and fries. She didn't get a chance to answer. Howard asked how many times they move their bowels and they were joking around about that for a short time.
Howard had the girl come over to him so he could paint her breasts green. She said she had a breast reduction and she had a scar from that. Howard said she's got some nice areolas once she took her top off. Howard painted her breasts while Belzer was singing some song saying that he was trying not to look.
Howard had Robin get into her news after they let the girls go. Belzer stuck around and commented on some of the stories that she read. He joked about a bunch of that stuff and had Jackie laughing a few times. Belzer went off on Jay Leno who claimed that he had gotten punched on stage one night. He said that it was Joe Piscopo who got punched and it wasn't him. Howard didn't know where that came from and wondered if he hates Leno because of that. Richard said that Leno is fine. Robin read one story about rapper Notorious B.I.G. and Howard threw in a line about how his nickname is ''Nose B.I.G.''
As the show was winding up Belzer blurted out that he had been molested by a Rabbi when he was 5 years old. They ended up talking about that for another 10 minutes or so. Belzer said the Rabbi would call him up to the front of the room, he would put his hands down his pants and fondle him. He said the rest of the class couldn't see what the Rabbi was doing. There were a couple of other kids in the class that had the same problem but nothing ever came of it. This happened through one whole school year for him.
Rodney came in to do a simple plug for his new movie Meet Wally Sparks this morning. It turned into a bit more than that as time passed. At first Howard and Rodney just talked about the size of Rodney's penis and stuff like that. Howard thanked Rodney for being a friend and standing by the stuff he does. Rodney got a plug in for his movie and his web site where you can get an answering machine message from Rodney himself. Rodney also told his life story and how he became a comedian. He used to sell aluminum siding even when he was appearing on The Ed Sullivan Show.
A little while after the interview Howard started talking to Jackie about his relationship with Rodney. Jackie and Rodney have known each other for quite a while. Gange found this out while doing the pre-interview. Rodney didn't have anything good to say about Jackie.
Howard invited him back into the studio. It seems that Jackie borrowed some money from Rodney years ago and didn't pay it back, at least with cash. Jackie borrowed $1000 and paid Rodney back with ''jokes''. He wrote some material for Rodney to pay him back. I guess Rodney didn't think that was re-payment because when Jackie went back to him to borrow some more money he wouldn't lend it to him.
This turned into the biggest story for the whole day. It lasted through the whole morning. Rodney wanted to let the whole thing go but Howard kept bringing it up with Jackie. Rodney came and went from the studio about three times this morning. The money that Jackie was borrowing was for pressing his second album... That would explain why he didn't pay it back. The third time Rodney came into the studio Jackie was ready to pay off his loan. He pulled out a check and filled it out for Rodney. Of course Rodney didn't take it. This story will haunt Jackie for years to come.
(Edited down) Howard played a couple more clips from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame thing and then brought in Colin Quinn who was supposed to sit in for a while. The guys were talking about The Clash and asked Colin if he knew who they were. Colin said he knew them but when they hit big he was into The Marshall Tucker band. He said he was a real ''square'' at the time. A short time later Chaunce Hayden called in to tell Howard how great The Clash was. He said they were the greatest rock band that ever lived. Howard said he didn't think they were that great. Howard played a couple more clips from the award show while Colin sat in. They goofed on some of the artists who made speeches. They goofed on Bono of the band U2 and others. They also spent some time talking about Elvis Presley. Howard said he listened to those albums when he was a kid but never thought he was that great. Robin had Howard play some more clips from the show. He had some Elvis Costello performing and some other quick clips that they goofed on.
Howard asked Colin where he stands on the upcoming Iraq war. Colin said that it's not even a war, it's an intervention. He and Howard talked about how it's just a ''clean up effort'' or an ''intervention.'' Robin just wanted them to play some more clips from the award show.
Billy Joel made some jokes about his car accident and said that all of the trees on Long Island had better watch out.
Howard gave Colin a plug for his Comedy Central show ''Tough Crowd'' which airs nightly Monday trough Thursday at 11:30pm. Howard spent a minute talking about that. Colin made a joke about the bands that he likes but Howard wanted him to talk about what he really likes. He never did get around to it. Howard gave him some plugs for some comedy show's he's doing. He said he'll be at Caroline's on Broadway from Thursday to Sunday this week. He'll also be at Carnegie Hall on March 27th.
Robin had Howard play some more clips from the Hall of Fame show before they had to take another break.
After the break Howard said they were badmouthing some people who think they're funny but aren't. They didn't mention any names though. Howard brought up Jerry Seinfeld's name and asked Colin if he's hung out with him since he had his last kid. Colin said he hasn't done that but Jerry is happy with his marriage. Howard talked about that friendship for a short time and then mentioned that he's going to be in Nick DiPaolo's wedding party. Howard wondered why he'd be in that wedding. Colin said he'd be afraid of Nick's reaction if he said ''no'' to him. The guys talked about how they hate being in wedding parties like that. Colin said he's not sure what he's going to be doing in the wedding party. He said that Nick's fiancé was bugging him about getting his tux fitted the night of his new show starting. Howard wondered why Nick is getting married at all. He said he doesn't want to be married. Colin sarcastically said that Nick is the type of guy who is supposed to be married, he's a loving guy.
At one point Colin was talking about relationships so Howard asked him if he was into guys again. Colin said he's off of that but the public still comes up to him after hearing the gay stories he told. He said he did one show where he talked about how he used to let his cat lick his private parts. That led to a long discussion about that. Colin said a little warm milk did the trick and he'd let it lick him. He said he was a young kid when that happened. Howard said after that he went to guys. He asked Colin if he's sticking to just chicks these days. When he said he was, Howard sounded surprised. Robin asked Colin how long he was with the cats. Colin told her that his sister is going to kill him. Howard started digging into details and asked how that worked. Colin said he had to wait for everyone to leave and he'd sit on the bed while he did it. He said he'd look at the cat and get sexually excited. He'd then take off his underwear and let the cat lick him. He said he was very resourceful and would use peanut butter on his package to get the cat to lick him. He said he used to talk about that in his act and thought it was something that a lot of people did. Howard and Robin ended up asking him if he wanted to be a father some day. He said he might do that. Artie asked him if he thinks he could stay with one cat for the rest of his life. The guys were saying that Colin raped the cat but he didn't like the word ''rape.'' He said he didn't rape it, he just let it lick stuff off him. Howard told Colin that Robin has eight cats and he perked up and said ''Do you really?'' Artie said Robin is like a madam to Colin with the 8 cats. Howard wondered if Comedy Central will reprimand him after hearing that story. Colin said everyone does stuff like that when they're growing up. Artie said ''Jon Stewart never banged a cat.'' Howard said Regis Philbin and Jerry Seinfeld never did a cat either. Howard asked Colin if he pet the cat while it was doing it's thing. Howard also wondered if it was a female or male cat. Colin said he's pretty sure it was female. Howard said ''Alright, so it wasn't weird..'' and laughed as he said it. Colin joked that he'd get the cat and put on a little Marshall Tucker band. Artie jokingly said he's going to try it this afternoon. Howard asked Colin if he ever went to confession with that story. He said he never did.
Howard spent a couple more minutes with Colin talking to him about the Nick DiPaolo wedding. Colin said he had to get going before Robin did her news so he could go do some other shows. Howard told Colin he likes his openness about the stuff he's talking about. Howard said he might have to go see Colin's stand-up act. He asked Colin what he talks about in his act these days. Colin said he talks about ''human behavior'' but the guys didn't seem to get it. He had to keep telling them over and over again that it's ''human behavior.'' Howard asked Colin who he's dating these days. He said he's dating a woman but Howard wondered if it was a cat or not. Howard asked him if he's dated anyone famous. Artie started laughing and said he probably dated Morris the Cat from those TV commercials. Howard wrapped up the interview a few seconds later and took a break before getting to Robin's news.
Howard asked Richard about what he's up to and if he has any celebrity friends. Richard sounded a little stumped by the questions. Howard said that Richard was trying to say that no one in show business is actually your friend.
Robin brought up a story about Richard being in business with football player Jim Brown for a while but they ended up breaking things off. Richard said he didn't remember what went on there. He didn't seem interested in answering a lot of the questions they were asking him.
Howard asked Richard if he dislikes Eddie Murphy. Richard has no problem with him. He said he wasn't invited to his wedding though.
Howard told Richard about his own marriage and said that he's been faithful to his wife for 19 years now. He said he must have something wrong with him, he knows that. He asked Richard what kind of women he'd like to have and threw out some names for him. Richard said he'd like to have all of them. He said that he has problems having sex because just before he has an orgasm, it's like someone just told his dick a joke.
Howard said that Richard was calling in to promote his upcoming comedy show. He said that people should go out to see him while they can because he's not in good shape right now. Howard said that he's going to be at Newark Symphony Hall and that's a nice place to go see him.
Richard talked about his Multiple Sclerosis problems and how he tries to get up and exercise as much as he can. He said he hates the machines but he really has to try and do it. Howard asked Richard if he's ever seen his TV show. Richard said he saw a commercial for it but he hadn't seen it yet. Howard told him to come on and do his E! interview show sometime.
Howard told Richard that he thinks he could cure him. He said he has a theory that there is no such thing as disease and it's all mental. Richard didn't sound convinced when Howard told him he could cure him.
Howard told Richard that he's got to think about all of the women he ''bonked'' over the years and write about them in a book. He said that's the kind of stuff that sells books and he has to tell the real story about that stuff. Howard told him that he should go out and bang a woman in a basket tonight. He said that if he's had women hanging from the ceiling before, write it down and get it in a book now. He said that he could even make stuff up at this point and just say he banged Arnold Schwarzenegger or someone like that.
Robin asked Richard if he lost all of his money because people are saying that he's broke. Richard said that he's not sure about that. He wondered if the IRS was listening. Howard asked him if he is broke. Richard said he's fine with money. Howard asked if he still has a bunch of leaches holding on to him. Richard gave him a simple ''yes'' answer.
Howard told Richard about Robin's breast reduction surgery and about how they're still a D-cup even after the surgery. Richard said ''Jesus!'' when he heard that. Howard told him that Robin might show up to his show in Newark. He said she'll go out with him if he's got money.
Howard asked Richard about Robin Williams and if he really thinks he's funny. Richard said that he's a very good actor. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and asked Richard to say he loved him. Richard wouldn't do it even though Howard said he loved him. They eventually settled on ''I like you.''
In the clip Howard was talking about a new look that Dice had. Dice came in a short time later with a beard. Howard said he wasn't used to that look. Dice was in with his buddy Clubsoda Kenny so Howard explained who he was. He's a friend who helps Dice out when he's around. Howard said that he misses Kenny and he was glad to see him.
Dice said that Howard misquoted him in his book when he explained the house hunting thing. He said that he was hoping to get a copy of the book today but Howard told him he didn't have any there, they were sold out. Howard talked about the day that Dice told Mark Harris that he was a blood sucking faggot. He said he wrote that up in the book.
Howard also wrote a story about going out house hunting with Dice. Dice didn't think he got that right so Howard explained that story and what Dice was doing to dick around with him back then. He said that Dice was giving the real estate agent a hard time about everything and also threatened an Indian guy who came up to their car while they were waiting for the real estate agent.
Dice said that he had a problem with the real estate agent and she wasn't treating him right when they were out with her. He explained that he was acting the way he was because of that.
Clubsoda wasn't saying much of anything so Howard told him to be quiet. Kenny just blurted out that he doesn't have AIDS, he's positive. Then he and Dice started going back and forth doing some weird repetitive joke where they'd alternate saying ''Ma'' and ''Me'' over and over again.
After an edited out break Howard came back and got into the Dice house hunting story again. He said he told Dice that he didn't want to be around him when he was busting the woman's chops. Dice said he wasn't busting her chops, she was fine. Howard thought she was a really nice woman and he wasn't treating her right. Dice told Howard that he doesn't know a con when he sees one.
Howard said that Dice was looking for some kind of house that doesn't even exist. He said that he couldn't even describe the type of house he's looking for because it's so unclear. He eventually found something but Dice ended up backing out because the Lawyer who was handling the paperwork had voo doo heads on his wall.
After another edited out break we heard Howard talking to Dice about the shape they're in. Howard said that he's in really good shape and Dice might be fat. He wanted him to take off his shirt but Dice didn't want to.
Howard talked about Dice's grey beard and asked him how old he is. Dice said that he's 36 but Howard didn't believe it. He thought he was older than him. Howard was actually 3 years older. He said he was bumming out thinking about how he was getting close to 40.
Dice eventually let Howard feel his stomach but Howard told him to get out of there when he started to tickle him. Howard said that Dice must have a fun house mirror over his bed, that's why he thinks he's got a good stomach. That led to Dice goofing on Howard's ass that he saw at the MTV Music Awards.
Gary came in at one point after Dice said that he had gained a few pounds. Dice said he'd put his head through the wall if he wanted to fight. He threw out a couple of Baba Booey references and made up some new ones.
Howard had Robin get into her news after that. She read through some stories and Dice stuck around to comment on some of that stuff. He really went off on pilots and flight attendants after Robin read a story about a flight that had crashed.
Howard had turned off Dice's microphone so he asked him to turn it back on. Howard told him he had to earn it. He turned it on and ended up talking to Dice about his kids. He said he thinks that Dice's son is going to grow up to be a nut just like his father. Dice said that he thinks that his son may date his daughter some day. Howard said that's not going to happen.
Howard and Dice spent a couple of minutes talking about family and stuff like that. Dice also threw in that at least he admits he's a Jew. Howard didn't respond to that one. They went back and forth about some other things for a while after that. Robin tried to get back into her news after that but Dice was talking over her and not letting her speak.
As Robin was wrapping up her news Dice claimed that Howard had stolen some jokes from him to use on The Tonight Show. Howard told Dice not to get started with him and then accused him of stealing some stuff from him when he did Arsenio Hall's show. Howard said he was going to plug Dice but after that he didn't think he wanted to. He did end up plugging him though. He and Dice also argued about Dice's pay-per-view event and if it was really the biggest one ever. Howard said it wasn't, Dice disagreed.
In this segment Howard had Jackie Mason in the studio to talk about his career. They talked about Jackie's career and how he's getting up there in age and must not be able to enjoy the women like he could in the past. Howard asked Jackie who he thinks is angrier, him or Rodney Dangerfield. Jackie said that Rodney is a bitter man so he's probably angrier.
Jackie had been complaining about these Starbucks coffee houses and Howard said he didn't even know what that was. Jackie explained it to him and how they charge far too much for the coffee and you don't get free refills. Jackie went off on the coffee thing for a few minutes. Howard couldn't believe that he thinks he's not an angry man after hearing all of that. Jackie continued to go off on the coffee thing for quite a while.
After an edited out commercial Howard came back and took some phone calls. He let some people go off on Jackie a little bit. Jackie shot right back at the people who went off on him.
Howard asked Jackie about some other celebrities like Rosie O'Donnell. Jackie said he likes guys like Jerry Seinfeld and the kind of act he has. He thinks that he has a very bright show. Jackie told Howard how much his show does for him and how much he likes his show. Howard wrapped up a short time later.
Comedian Bernie Mac came in this morning to promote the movie ''What's the Worst That Could Happen'' in which he appears. Howard said that Bernie also has a FOX sitcom coming out next season called ''The Bernie Mac Show''. Howard said Bernie looked much thinner than he thought he was. Bernie said he lost about 20 pounds in recent months. Howard mentioned that they play this really funny bit from the movie ''The Original Kings of Comedy'' in which Bernie talks about his 6 year old nephew being a ''faggot''. Howard played the clip again before getting into any major discussions with Bernie. The bit is hilarious. Howard said Bernie obviously doesn't go easy on his family. He said he doesn't go easy anymore. AJ Benza said that the movie was Spike Lee's best and everyone quickly jumped on him for that comment. Even Bernie said all Spike had to do was turn on the camera and catch his comedy routine.
Bernie told Howard that he's not always the Bernie you see on camera. He has an act just like Howard does and when he's off camera, he's a different guy. He hasn't had the easiest life either. He was called names by other black kids as a child because his skin was so dark. He spent a couple of minutes talking about that.
Bernie also talked about how he lived in a 3 bedroom house with a total of 13 people. Most of them died at young ages and none of them are left now. He told Howard he doesn't have any family to share his accomplishments with. He does have a wife of 25 years but that relationship hasn't been easy either. Bernie said he was on the road 48 weeks a year for 13 years or so. He and his wife have cheated on each other and have gone through not speaking to each other. He said now they're over that stuff and they're best friends.
Bernie told Howard how his mother had cancer for 7 years and never told her kids about it. He said he looks back on that situation and sees that it was a very brave thing for her to do. He didn't see it that way when he was a kid though. Bernie also shared some of the other stories of death in his family with Howard. Howard asked him if he feels like a jinx in any way because so many people in his life have died. Bernie doesn't feel that way at all. He doesn't pity himself either. He's just enjoying what he has.
Howard asked Bernie about how he got started doing stand-up comedy in the subways and parks of Chicago. Bernie said he'd read the news in the morning and go on the subway and do some comedy for commuters. He wouldn't ask for money but he did have a little box that people would fill with cash. He said he could make $500 a day doing that. After 4 or 5 years he decided he wanted to be recognized for this work and started doing this stuff in comedy clubs. He said he even did some comedy at his grandfather's funeral. He said everyone was so sad. He went up in front of the people there and did an impression of his grandfather that got everyone in a more upbeat mood. He said he got a lot of positive phone calls after doing that.
Howard asked Bernie about working with Martin Lawrence in this movie ''What's the Worst That Could Happen''. Martin is ''going through something'' according to Bernie that's making him a little crazy. Bernie thinks it's got to do with Los Angeles and how everything a celebrity does becomes public knowledge. That'll drive anyone crazy. Howard mentioned Eddie Murphy's alleged foot fetish as an example. Bernie started to defend Eddie saying ''Hey, that's my man... Not literally of course...''
Bernie also spoke a little bit about Danny Devito who he said is a great guy. He's working on some kind of project with Danny too. Bernie also mentioned that he'll play a con-man in the movie ''Oceans Eleven'' which also stars Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, George Clooney and many others. He said all of those people were great also.
As Howard was wrapping up the segment he took a couple of very positive phone calls for Bernie. One guy told Bernie not to sell out and become politically correct with this new sitcom he has coming out. He told Bernie that he's really funny just the way he is. Bernie says he's really not a TV guy and he's going to keep doing his comedy no matter what. He'll be touring next year.
Comedian Gilbert Gottfried came in to hang out during the news. Howard said it looks like Gilbert has been working out. Gary said that he had a great line when he came in. He said you know it's a slow day for guests when people are asking why he's late. Howard said he wants to get out on time today and he knows if Gilbert shows up late he'll be there forever.
Gilbert said he can't badmouth anyone these days but he was goofing on Stuttering John since he did Leno recently. Howard talked to him about that for a short time.
Howard had some trivia about Gilbert and asked Robin if she knew which of the following things Gilbert did a voice for in a commercial... a fork, a toaster or a blender. Robin knew that it was the toaster. Gilbert said that was for Pop-Tarts so Howard asked him how he prepares to play the part of a toaster. Gilbert just laughed. Howard said Gilbert played the part of either Hitler, Stalin or Mussolini in a movie. It turned out to be Hitler in the movie ''Highway to Hell.'' It was supposed to be a comedy according to Gilbert. Howard asked Robin if she knew which of the following Gilbert played on an internet ad. Crayon, Stapler or Paper Clip. He played the paper clip. Howard had another one where Gilbert played the part of the dot in the Pong video game. Gilbert didn't remember that one. Howard asked him if this was his dream. Gilbert said nothing he's dreamt about has ever come true.
Howard goofed on Gilbert about all of these roles he's played over the years. He was Jerry the Belly Button Elf on Ren and Stimpy. Howard pictures him being interviewed on ''Inside the Actors Studio'' and being asked about playing that part. That led to him talking about how they can't get any decent guests on that show these days. They had Naomi Watts on recently and the only hit she's had is ''The Ring.'' Gilbert says he's love to go on the show and tell say that his favorite word is ''love'' and his least favorite is ''bigotry.'' Artie found that to be very funny and laughed his ass off when he heard it.
Gilbert opened up for Debbie Gibson at one point in his career. Gilbert didn't remember that either but Howard had it in his notes so it must be true. The two of them goofed on James Lipton for a short time since they were still on the subject of ''Inside the Actors Studio.'' Gilbert had Artie laughing his ass off while he was coming up with some of the stuff he would say on that show. Howard had audio of Tom Cruise interviewing James Lipton on ''Inside the Actors Studio'' so he played it but Gilbert kept interrupting it with his own lines. Howard wanted him to listen but he kept throwing out racial slurs to replace the words that Lipton was saying. Howard said he finds the host of that show to be pretty creepy.
Howard pretended to be James Lipton and asked Gilbert some of the questions they ask on that show. Gilbert played along for a couple of minutes before Howard wrapped that up and gave him a plug for his Caroline's on Broadway appearance tomorrow night at 8pm.
Howard asked Gilbert if all of his characters are different or if they're all the same voice. Gilbert said the one time he did a different voice was when he did his Jerry Seinfeld impression for the cartoon ''Clerks.'' Seinfeld didn't want to do the show himself so they called Gilbert to do it instead. Howard goofed on Gilbert's clothes a little bit and asked him if he has to button every single button on his shirt. It's like he doesn't want anyone to see his chest at all. Howard asked him about his girlfriend and what happened there. Gilbert said he's back together with him right now even though she told Howard that they'd broken up a while back. Gilbert can't give a serious answer when he's asked about that stuff so they couldn't find out exactly what went on.
Howard said they gave Gilbert a password to get on the bulletin board but he doesn't know how to make all of that work so he asked them to post his upcoming comedy show for him. Howard said they told him ''no'' and he'd have to do it himself.
After taking a break Howard played a new voice mail he had from Eric the Midget. Eric asked that they take him serious about helping to get him a job. He's looking for ''the real deal'' and needs to get a job. Howard said that Eric is like 1 foot tall and in a wheel chair. He has no idea how to get him a job. He asked Gilbert if he thinks he sounds like an evil villain like they've said in the past. Gilbert went into his Dracula impression for a few seconds and then did a quick impression of Eric. Howard and Artie were saying that they could use him as bait for fishing or something like that. Gilbert continued to do his Dracula impression and goofed on Eric the Midget a little more. Eric says that he's stuck on SSI for his income and needs help getting a job. Fred was playing some music in the background to make it seem like a monster movie so Gilbert kept on going with his Dracula and Eric the Midget impressions. He was relentless as he goofed on the guy.
Richard Christy made a prank call to Eric the Midget as Dick Buffman, a wrestling promoter. He told Eric they had an idea for him to play the part of ''The Bat'' where his partner would pick him up and throw him at their opponent. Eric would then have to bite his opponent. He also said they may drop him from the rafters with working bat wings at wrestling events. Richard breaks down and tells Eric who he is and Eric didn't sound so thrilled that they were goofing on him again.
Gilbert thought that stuff was pretty funny and goofed on Eric even more. Artie thought ''The Bat'' idea was a good one and he'd like to see that actually happen. Howard replayed Eric's voice mail that he'd played a few minutes earlier. The guys had a little more fun with that before Howard had Robin start her news.
Howard took a call from a guy who claimed that his legal name is nig*erWhat. The guy was trying to explain to Howard that his father was lynched back in 1930 and he watched it happen. The guy said the guys were asking his father questions starting off with ''nig*er what...'' so he took on the name. Robin has seen this guy posting on the HowardStern.com bulletin board so they kind of know him. nig*erWhat said that he ran into the man who put the noose around his father's neck and ended up killing the guy. He turned to the guy and asked him ''nig*er, what are you going to do now?'' before he killed him. nig*erWhat said he went to prison for a while and was brutally raped by ''his kind'' in jail. The white guards would stand around watching and cheering the guys on as it went on.
After hearing the horrible story Howard was going to give the guy a $500 prize courtesy of ''Kill Bill Vol. 2.'' nig*erWhat said that he is willing to kill himself on air to protest the FCC if Howard wanted. Howard told him that's not something he'd want to happen and it's not worth it to kill himself over the FCC. nig*erWhat suggested that they give Michael Powell a deadline to appear on the show and if he doesn't show up, he will kill himself. The guy says that he's 86 years old and doesn't have much longer to live anyway. Howard said he would like to meet nig*erWhat so he put him on hold so they could schedule him to come in.
Robin finally got to her news and started off with a story about a family that killed and ate a family member at a wedding in the Philippines. She said the story came from CNN so it must have been true. She also talked about the Mike Wallace story they had discussed earlier in the show. Gilbert was interrupting Robin constantly making jokes about every story she brought up. nig*erWhat's name came up in just about every story that she mentioned. That got Artie rolling as well so the two of them were cracking jokes constantly.
Howard took some phone calls during the news to try and calm the two of them down but it didn't work. That just motivated them even more to keep doing their bits. A woman called in and said she tunes in to hear Robin read her news every day but she can't hear it because Gilbert won't shut up. Howard kept asking them to calm down. They eventually calmed down a little bit but Gilbert just couldn't stop laughing. Robin brought up the Kobe Bryant case and Gilbert just sat there wheezing from laughing so much.
One story was about Vanessa Williams getting divorced from Rick Fox. That led to Tom Chiusano coming in and talking about how he rode the elevator with her recently. He said she really is beautiful but she does have bad skin. Howard said he heard that she listens to the show and is a fan. Gilbert couldn't get over the nig*erWhat thing but Howard told him it was enough already because even he was sick of it. Gilbert calmed down a bit after that and let Robin finish up her news with a little less interruption.
Today's Legends of Laughter special was over around 2:50pm.
Howard had David Brenner come in and he started talking as soon as he came in. He complained about the coffee he got from Mitch the Intern because it was cold when he got it. Howard asked David how long it takes him to find girls like he has because his last girlfriend was so hot. He said that he was out with David one time and they were all going crazy over her. He said that all of the guys were trying to impress her by bragging about the kind of money they make and things like that.
Howard told David he hopes he finds him with an old woman some day. He figures he'll have to settle down some day. He told him that he didn't think he'd find a better looking girlfriend than the last one but he did. David talked about how great she is and he knew that Howard was looking at her at that dinner they were at. He said that the table that the six guys were sitting at lifted off the floor like 4 inches that day.
Howard said that David's girlfriend seems to be really hot for him and the dance floor was wet that night they were out. Howard said that the rift that they were in had to be caused by his last girlfriend. David said that he was in a custody battle back then and that's why there was a rift between them.
David said that he met this girl while he was walking down the street. He said that she's an oceanographic engineer so she's very intelligent. Howard said that this could be the one that he finally marries. David said that could be the one but his speech was kind of slurred according to Robin.
Howard told David that he likes his hair style and talked to him about that for a short time. David told him he should try a different style himself.
Howard told David to stick around while they do the news. After and edited out break Howard came back and let David tell a story about going on vacation one time where he had nothing to do. There was no TV or movies or anything like that. He said he went out sailing and headed out to St. Barts and docked there. He said that a lot of the women there go around topless and that's what his girlfriend was doing. Then he said that they ran into a couple who had said that they heard him on Howard Stern and had the tape with them.
Howard said that people look forward to hearing David on this show than even on Johnny Carson. He told David that this is more fun than Carson. David said that he has to check with Carson before he does shows like this. Then he has to check with Howard before he does a show like Regis.
Howard wanted to tell a story about Regis but then he said he didn't want to get into it. He was still stuck on the story about his girlfriend going topless on his boat down in St. Barts. He talked about some of the other things he's going to be doing for vacation this year.
Howard and David talked about David's love life a little more. They also talked about his upcoming vacations. He said that he went to Turkey one time and it was one of the nicest places he ever went. He said that it's a sleeper vacation spot. He said you can eat a full course meal for about 3 bucks and the people there are great.
David was talking about how much he loves Philadelphia but Howard said if he really loved it he'd live there. David said that he loves the place but doesn't own any homes there. He said even when he did live there he didn't own a home.
David talked about how he's trying to get someone disbarred after going through this custody case that he's gone through. He said that the guy keeps filing stuff under his ex's name and that's just not right.
Howard got a note about some people that David was going to be appearing with and one of them was Mary Hart. David said he didn't know that and wondered where they got the information. It came from Mitch so David wondered how a guy who got him a cold coffee and a bagel without cream cheese knows who he's working with in Vegas.
Howard said they were going to do some news but ended up talking to David more about these women that David has been involved with over the years. They talked about his son and how David is trying to make a good life for the kid.
Howard asked David if he's happy that Joan Rivers isn't doing that well. David said that he doesn't want to see anyone fail. Howard figured he was just saying that to cover his ass. David then started talking in Pig-Latin to cover up what he was actually saying and joked that he was saying that because he was in the business and didn't want to bad mouth anyone.
Robin read through some news stories while David sat in. Howard took some phone calls later in the show and one guy suggested they play some LL Cool J stuff but Howard said he was going to wait until tomorrow to do that. He also talked about going down to Atlantic City to see David and how he should have been in the VIP seating but there were some other people there. He said he didn't want to get Donald Trump or Don King kicked out of their seats.
Gary came in and told Howard that Donald is going to be calling him at 11 o'clock. That meant he had to stick around after the show instead of being able to go home but Howard was fine with that.
Howard went through some more phone calls and let some people talk to David. One caller brought up the album that Howard put out a few years before but he didn't want to talk about it. He said that it was an embarrassing part of his career that he didn't want to bring up. He said that when they do talk about it, people go out and buy it and he doesn't want that happening.
David talked about an album he wanted to put out and how it just got buried. He said that it was supposed to be out but he went out on tour and it wasn't in any store he checked in any of those cities. Robin said they were probably too busy putting out the William Shatner album. That led to them playing Shatner's cover of ''Mr. Tambourine Man'' that they'd played on the show before.
Howard played some audio of Gilbert Gottfried doing his impression of David Brenner in a bit they recorded. Brenner didn't think it sounded like him though. Howard said that wasn't his best impression that day. He said he can do the impression much better. Howard wrapped up with David and thanked him for coming in.
Howard had a mystery guest in and had people calling into his show to figure out who it was. The first caller to take a guess got it right when he said it was Milton Berle. They gave him tickets to a John Entwhistle concert as a prize for guessing correctly.
Gary was in to give out the prize information and Fred played his theme music. That led to Milton asking the guys if they knew what the lyrics were for the song. Howard had no idea there were lyrics. Milton said that he was the one who wrote the lyrics and sang them a short time later. He said the song was a public domain song and he and a friend wrote some lyrics for it back in the 1940s.
Howard asked Milton about his nephew managing the band Ratt. Milton said that he was in one of their videos and it was because of his nephew that he did it. Howard said that he was named the fifth member of Ratt.
Howard and Milton talked about his past TV show and how successful that was. Howard said that he had a shot at doing his own show on FOX but they never aired the pilot. Milton said that Rupert Murdoch showed him the pilot and he thought that it was pretty good. Howard thought he was kidding about that. Milton said he was lying, he never did see it.
Milton was talking to Howard about his family life and what he had to go through when he was getting into the business. He said that she was a stage mom and she traveled with him through all of the stuff he went through. He said she was great too and supported him with everything he did. Howard said that he must have had a great mother then. He said his own mother wasn't so supportive.
Howard asked Milton who he doesn't like in show business. Milton told Howard that he doesn't like him. He said he liked Robin but not Howard.
After an edited out commercial break Howard came back with Milton and asked him about leasing his car because he was in the middle of a commercial. That led to a whole conversation between Milton and Howard about leasing. Milton didn't think that leasing made sense but the company Howard was doing the commercial for is all for leasing. Howard had to tell him that this was a sponsor but Milton stuck by his thoughts on leasing cars and how it's really only for corporations.
Milton talked about his first sexual experiences and how he thinks that kids these days are learning too early about the facts of life. Milton gave his thoughts on the use of dirty words in comedy acts too. Howard said he kind of likes that stuff but Milton thinks that funny is funny and you don't need to use foul language to be funny.
Howard asked Milton about having Marilyn Monroe but Milton didn't want to talk about that. Howard told Milton that Joey Adams isn't funny and asked Milton what he thinks of that. Milton said that he thinks that Joey is funny.
Howard took some phone calls for Milton and let some fans ask him some questions. One guy said he loves Howard's show and said he will try and find Milton's book ''B.S. I Love You.'' He didn't have much of anything else to say to Milton so Howard yelled at the guy and hung up on him. He took some more phone calls and let them talk to Milton. He ended up yelling at another guy who was giving Howard a hard time saying he was babbling too much.
Howard said that he's not going to sit there and let people insult Milton. Milton said that he never got out a question for him though. Milton told Howard he has nowhere else to go but up from this show. After another edited out break Howard went to the phones again. The next caller said he had a question for Milton and asked about leasing a car and going to Howard's sponsor to sell it. Howard cut him off and said that the radio audience has gotten increasingly stupid over the years and this is an example of that.
Howard and Robin talked to Milton about some of the work he'd done over the years and Robin told him she loved ''It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.'' Milton told her that if they had to make that film now, it would cost about $60 million. Back when they made it, in the 1960s, it wasn't nearly that much.
Milton talked about all of the stuff he's saved over the years from his old shows. Howard said that he doesn't save stuff like that and he should have some kind of archive like Milton does. He said that Jackie does that and he's wondering if he should do that too.
Milton told Howard that he almost didn't show up this morning because he was listening to the show and didn't know if he should come on. That was until he heard him call his mother on the air. That changed his mind. He said that he used to call his mother every day and talk to her. He said that touched him and he knew that Howard was a good guy after hearing that. Howard told Milton that he should call his mother for him every day. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Richard Lewis was out in the halls ranting and raving like a mad man. He was saying something like ''You win, you win...''
Richard came in and had his shirt off so Howard asked him to put it back on. He said it looked like he was trying to be some kind of muscle man or something. Gary said that it looked like he lost a lot of weight. Howard said he noticed that but he didn't need to take his shirt off. He said he looks silly all pumped up like that. He said it looked like his head was on the wrong body.
Richard said that when there are no guests in the room Robin is the greatest on the air. He said that she's not that good when she's kissing the ass of every guest that comes in there.
Howard said he hopes that his new TV show with Don Rickles lasts a while. He didn't seem to have very high hopes for it though. Howard told Richard that he was on a roll with ''Anything But Love'' but he never came on the show while that was on. Howard said he hopes that the new show fails so Richard will keep coming on his show. He said that's out of his own insecurity though.
Robin told Richard that he has to fess up and admit that he'd drop this show if he didn't need them. Richard said that he was going to call in and ask Robin to knock it off when he hears her kissing the ass of so many guests. She wasn't kissing up to him though.
Howard told Richard he was awful when he did his interview for the E! channel yesterday. He said that he was the worst and he was very argumentative and a pain in the ass. Richard told Howard he had bits that he was doing that were horrible and he wanted nothing to do with that. Howard said all he wanted to do was show a clip of Richard at a movie even with a girl he was dating. He said that she was hotter than Cindy Crawford and he found that interesting.
Howard turned off Richard's microphone so he couldn't talk over him for a few seconds. Richard told Howard that's why he's going to lose guests. Howard said that this is what Richard was doing yesterday. He was yelling out and not letting him do the interview. He wondered if it was jet lag or something. Richard said it wasn't.
Howard said that he turned to Richard during a commercial break and asked him to calm down during that E! interview. He said that Richard actually did calm down and that second segment turned into a great interview.
Howard asked Richard who he's going to side with in the Leno/Letterman late night battle. Richard said that Letterman has always been the most important to him, just like Howard is the most important radio guy, so he's going to stick with him.
After an edited out break Howard came back in the middle of a commercial. He was reading through that, with the sponsor name farted out, and talking about what Richard was telling him during the break. He said that Richard told him he's only lifting dumbbell weights to make his arms look the way they do.
After the commercials were done Howard came back and called Richard ''Richard Stallone'' because of his big arms. He then went on to read a letter he got from a woman who said she heard about Richard collapsing recently and how she wanted to meet him. Richard said he hopes that they don't have some whacko there this morning.
Howard read the rest of the letter and said that the woman was there. Richard said he only had another 14 minutes there but he would meet her. Howard had the woman, Michelle, come in after that. Howard said that she does look a little bit like Linda Ronstadt. He asked her about being a fan of Richard's. She said that she has pictures of him in her house and some of them are with Jamie Lee (Curtis) from the TV show he did.
Howard asked Michelle what she would do if she went out to dinner with Richard. She said that she'd love to go out with him. She really didn't have much of anything to say other than that so Robin helped her out and filled in the blanks.
Howard told Michelle to say what she wanted to say to Richard. She asked him if he would date someone who wasn't ''Hollywood.'' Richard said he dates women who are nice, he doesn't need them to be stars or anything. He said he's dating a couple of women right now but he would take her number. Howard figured he'd never call her though. He asked his Magic 8-Ball and the ball said that he wouldn't call.
Richard said that he's seeing 3 women right now and 2 of them were Hollywood types, the other was a chef at a Hollywood restaurant.
Howard said that he gave it a try with Michelle but it apparently didn't work. He said that she must not have sold herself very well. Richard said she was beautiful and sweet and she did sell herself. Howard said that she should have told him that she knew that he was the man that she would marry some day. She thought that would have scared him off but Howard said that shouldn't scare him off at all.
Richard told Michelle that he loves his work and, if he did date her, he might go 2 years without seeing her. Michelle said that she'll wait for his call and she'll tell Howard if he ever does. Howard told her that he might call her in about 100 years or so.
Howard spent a few more minutes with Richard talking about his new TV show ''Daddy Dearest'' with Don Rickles. He gave him some plugs for that asked the guys how long they think his series will last. He asked his Magic 8-Ball if the series will be a smash hit. The ball said it shouldn't tell them now. Then he asked about the ''Robin Hood Men In Tights'' movie. Richard ended up walking out after that.
Chris Rock came in to plug his book ''Rock This'' and his comedy CD ''Roll With The New''. Howard introduced Chris to that white comedian Colt 40-Feinberg who was on the show last week. Colt sounds a lot like Chris Rock. Chris didn't find Colt too funny. He kept asking Howard where he found these people.
Chris said he doesn't get why he has these people on the show with him. He said he never gets the hot strippers in there when he comes in. He gets stuck with people like this guy doing the bad impression of him.
Howard talked to Chris about him hosting an awards show and how he had insulted Fiona Apple. She got upset about that and came on his show and called Chris a ''burnt match.'' Chris said he didn't mean to upset her when he joked about her. He was just trying to be funny that night.
Chris talked about how he's still happily married. Howard said that in the last month and a half he hasn't gotten laid more than once. Chris said he'd only been married for 10 months. Howard told him to wait until it's 20 years, it's going to change a lot.
Howard also had some tape of people who wanted to ask Chris questions. It was supposed to be people out on the street. It turned out to be black people who could barely speak. Howard would play the tape and Chris would just keep asking ''where do you get these people?'' over and over again.
After those questions Howard said that he had a listener who won the right to come in and ask Chris a question in person. That listener was Crackhead Bob. He mumbled something and Chris asked ''where do you find these people?'' once again. There were also a couple of people on the phone who said that they grew up with Chris. One guy said that he used to beat Chris up.
Howard had Henny Youngman in the studio and talked to him about how his daughter is still talking about meeting him a while back. She's only 8 years old but she talks about meeting him all the time.
Henny threw in a couple of jokes about Howard getting his hair from a pet shop and one where he asked Robin how her ''red breast'' was doing.
Howard went through a list of comedians and asked Henny if he thinks that they're funny. Henny wasn't going to bad mouth anyone though. Howard moved on and asked Henny some other questions about his kids and his home life. Henny said that his mother-in-law thought that he was a bum and she'd ask him to leave the house when he'd come home at 5 in the morning. He was just out working though.
Howard told Henny about the guy who came out to help him write his book. He said that the guy had to stay at his house for a few days. He said that was really tough to work with some guy living in the house with him.
Howard talked to Henny about the Friar's club and who he hangs out with over there. Henny said that he goes there for about 2 hours a day. They talked about Joey Adams and that led to Howard talking about how he dislikes Cindy Adams.
Jackie goes to the Friar's club too so Henny knows him. He said that they did a Joke-in-a-box thing together. Henny talked about that for a short time and then Howard gave him some plugs for an upcoming gig.
Howard went to commercial break and did a live commercial for a sponsor, that was farted out, and talked to Henny about that product. He and Henny talked about how few friends Henny has. He said he's a very busy man and doesn't have time for friends.
Howard asked Henny about some more comedians and when he brought up Jay Leno, Henny said he doesn't think that he's a good replacement for Johnny Carson. He said that he does know how to handle an audience though. Henny talked about Regis and Kathie Lee a little bit.
Howard asked Henny if he thinks that women are after him for his money. Henny said that he doesn't have more than a kiss on his cheek once in a while these days.
After an edited out break Howard gave Henny some more plugs. He asked him about his weight and tried to convince him to go on some diet thing that he was plugging (which was censored out of this replay). Howard gave him some more plugs after talking to him for a few more minutes. Henny said that he's 85 years old and his mother lived to 88. He cracked some jokes about that and then asked him about Milton Berle. Henny said that he doesn't see him that much these days and he's happy about that. They wrapped up a short time later.
Howard said that it was confrontation time and said that they were going to bring Jerry Seinfeld in. He said that he's a big star right now and he only does the show when he needs them to promote something. He was eating something when he came in so Howard goofed on him about that. He said that Jerry is upset with him and tried to come in there looking threatening but Jerry Seinfeld can't look threatening. Howard said he can't look threatening either and it's probably got something to do with the Jewish thing.
Jerry said that he really doesn't need this whole thing. He said that getting up and doing radio is what he really doesn't need. Howard told Jerry that he's thought of him as a fair weather friend, or guest. Jerry said he's not even sure what this is about, he hears if from the fans out on the street that something is going on.
Howard said that he felt that Jerry came on the show to just promote his TV show. Jerry said he was there before the TV thing came up. He said he felt that if his show went to number 1, 2 or even 3, they'd never hear from him again. That's what he was complaining about on the air.
Howard talked about some of the big guests they have on the show and how it doesn't seem to be good enough for Jerry. He told Jerry he can do whatever show he wants but he's doing some shows that are really not that good. Howard talked about the Barbara Walters interview he did and how ridiculous that was. He said that it was nonsense. Howard and Fred started goofing on Barbara Walters interview with Jerry but Jerry wasn't laughing.
Howard said that Jerry said something about him on stage at a show he did and he was very surprised to find out that it was negative. Jerry told Howard to get to the point because he was dragging out this conversation so long.
Gary came in and said he had the exact quote for Howard to read. It turns out Jerry said that Howard is a ''funny jerk'' and an ''amusing idiot.'' Howard said that he knows he calls himself those names and other things, but it's something else when someone says it on stage or on TV. He said he went crazy when he heard Jerry bad mouthing him like that. He really didn't like it. He said he may have overreacted to those comments but he was going to play the tape for him.
Howard said he gets blasted constantly in the paper and this doesn't help. Jerry told him that when he stops getting blasted, his career is over. Jerry said that Howard is an amusing jerk but he's very entertaining. Howard said he had to take a break and then he'll play that tape.
After the edited out break Howard was doing a live commercial with the sponsor farted out. After the commercial Howard said he was going to play the tape that he was talking about earlier. He said that people have to remember what it was that set him off. It was that article where Jerry called him a jerk.
Jerry told Howard that he's not the only amusing jerk out there. He said that the Three Stooges are also amusing jerks. Jerry said that there are people who are waiting to hear this tape and Howard is dragging it out too long like he does every morning.
Howard got to the tape where he went off on Jerry. In the clip Howard calls Jerry arrogant and talks about how desperate he is for ratings. Howard said that it was kind of uncomfortable staring at Jerry while he played the tape. He said he might have to leave the studio.
Howard got back to the tape and he wasn't the only one going off on Jerry. Robin was getting into it as well. Jerry told Howard that this is so weak. He told Howard to go ahead and play it and to watch the bullets bounce off of him. He said that this will be his final appearance on the show too.
Howard would interrupt once in a while and then get back to the tape. There were moments when Robin was really getting pissed at Jerry and goofing on him about his stand-up act and more. Howard even called him a horse face. Jerry said that he actually used that line in his TV show and called himself a horse face.
Howard had to take another break in the middle of that. After the edited out break Jerry was making fun of Howard having his TV show on the E! channel. Howard said that was low and really hurt. He was in the middle of a commercial for a fax machine. Jerry was making fun of that because they were bragging about the anti-curl-system in the fax machine.
Howard got back to the tape where he was going off on Jerry. He was in the middle of praying for Jerry to get stuck doing stand-up gigs again. He also wished disfigurement on him. Howard said that was it after playing another minute of the tape. Jerry said that maybe he overreacted himself when he made fun of Howard. Howard wanted him to say now what he really thinks of him. He threatened to say some other stuff about him if he didn't say something nice.
Howard asked Jerry if he's had two girls at the same time in bed. He said he hasn't. He said he's had two women in the same day, but not in bed at the same time. Howard asked him about who he hangs out with and found out he's gone on vacation with Mario Joyner. They talked about that for a short time. Jerry said that they went to France so Howard figured that he didn't even get laid over there because he's not that well known.
Howard said he'd had enough of Jerry and his hypocrisy. He gave him a plug for his TV show and asked him if he's going to come back on the show. Jerry said he would, he didn't even come in to plug his show today.
Howard told Gary to quote some lines from Jerry's TV show. Gary couldn't think of anything so Robin helped him out and gave him a scene from one episode. Gary knew some lines from that scene so he rattled them off and had Jerry laughing a little bit. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later.
Howard had Robin Williams come into the studio and kept calling him a genius as he was coming in. Robin seemed to enjoy hearing that from him and asked him to repeat it a few more times. Robin was all over the place doing his impressions. Howard had Robin (Quivers) get to her news before he got into a real interview with Robin Williams.
Robin read through some stories and Williams sat quietly as she did that. She read one story about a guy who had died. That led to Howard talking about how he'd like to find out where the apartment is so he can rent it. He said that's what he and Robin do all the time, they wait for someone to pass away and then try to rent their apartments.
Howard asked Robin what it's like to have as much money as he does. Robin said that he has so much that he can just take out half of it and set it on fire. He got all excited when Howard was getting all worked up and clapping for him. Williams was doing a ton of different voices and acting surprised when he heard Howard say the word ''penis'' on the air. He said that later they're going to say ''labia'' too.
Howard asked Robin if he takes a limo when he's in the city since there was a news story about how the city was going to charge people who drive in. Robin said that he gets a rental car and didn't take a limo in. They spent a couple of minutes on that subject with Williams doing a different voice every 3 seconds.
Howard went to break and said that they'd get back to Robin after that. Robin was still doing his voices as they went to the break.
Howard came back and went off on Jackie for hogging his time with Robin during the break. He said that he's the one who is supposed to be networking himself, not Jackie. He said that he really wants to be the one who networks himself in the entertainment world. He asked Robin if he had heard of them. Robin said he hadn't heard too much but he did read the article about them in Penthouse magazine.
Howard asked Robin about his career and where he went to school and things like that. He found out that Robin is friends with Christopher Reeve so he talked him a little bit. Howard said that he's friends with Dee Snider who is a bit of a celebrity. Robin said that he comes with his own mascara too.
Howard asked Robin (Quivers) if he was doing okay with the interview. She thought it was going fine so Howard got back into it. He said he was very nervous about this interview and wanted to come off in a good light. Robin (Quivers) asked Robin how he got involved in stand-up comedy. Howard told her she was a bitch because he had that question on his list.
Robin told Howard that he quit school and started going out to clubs and performing. Robin (Quivers) ran through a list of the movies that Robin had done and said that she actually enjoyed ''Popeye.'' Howard said he liked some of his stuff but couldn't think of any of the titles.
After an edited out break Howard came back and said that he's surprised that Robin is there because they're just a bunch of dicks. Robin sounded surprised that they could say names like that on the air. He also asked him about Richard Pryor and if he knows what's wrong with him. Robin said he's not sure, he looked fine to him a couple of months ago when he saw him.
Howard played some of Robin's stand-up act for everyone to hear. He had a couple of different clips that were clean for airing on radio. They spent a few more minutes talking before Howard had to take another break, which was edited out of this replay.
After the break Howard did some live commercials and had Robin participating in them. They spent a few more minutes talking with Robin doing his many impressions. Robin's people told them that he had to get going but Howard told him to stick around because all of the other morning shows are horrible.
Howard had the guys bring in Pat Cooper to hang out during the rest of the news. He said he heard he was on all worked up out in the hall. Pat came in singing but it didn't take long for him to change his tune and start yelling about stuff. He was going nuts because he had been banned from some late night shows.
Howard had Robin read through some news stories after Pat went nuts for a few minutes. Howard also gave Pat some plugs for some upcoming appearances he was making. Robin read one story about Crazy Eddie chain stores and even that got Pat all worked up and complaining about stuff.
Robin read a story about John Gotti and that got Pat worked up about the mob. He said that every Italian he knows thinks they're the godfather. He said that he doesn't think there is such a thing as organized crime, it's all disorganized.
Howard went to a break and read some live commercials. Pat was telling Howard that he actually uses the product that they were promoting in one of the commercials. Pat was also talking about the shows he does and why he doesn't like appearing at certain places. He said he's not a Catskills type of comedian so he doesn't like to appear at places like that. Howard said that if it were him, and someone offered him money to appear somewhere, he'd just do the show. Pat was complaining about his old friend Freddy Roman and how he treated him. He said that he's not a fan of his anymore and he's no longer his friend.
Pat went on and on about these guys who he was working with and what happened when they offered to give him a job. Howard went to a break but when he came back he said that Pat was still screaming about Freddy Roman while they were away.
Pat told some stories about people he's had run-ins with over the years. One time he said that he had Johnny Carson peeing on his foot in a bathroom one time. He got pissed about that and yelled at him. Then he said he got snubbed when he was at the Tonight Show one time when he was in the audience and Johnny's guests didn't show up. He said they could have used him as a guest but they didn't bother.
Pat went off on Joan Rivers for a short time too. He said that she seems to want to be the star of the world but she's never going to get there. He complained about the way she brings her dog around with her everywhere she goes.
Robin read through some more stories but had to pause a few times so Pat could go off on some people. Robin wrapped up her news and then Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Pat about his family life.
Today's Legends of Laughter special was over around 2:20pm.
Howard started off the show talking about how they had to get to all of the commercials on time today. He said he got a lecture from Tom Chiusano yesterday about that. Fred said he did too. Howard wasn't sure why he got the lectures all the time. He said that it's Robin's fault sometimes too. He said he called Tom to talk about something else and ended up getting this lecture.
Howard said that Robin is partly to blame because she'll tell him to wait before he goes to break when she reads her news. Howard said he got lectured for about 15 minutes yesterday. He said he really has to watch Fred and his signals that he has to break. Fred said that he'd do what he could but he couldn't just go right to commercial when Howard says break.
Howard asked what the smell was in the studio this morning. Fred blamed Gary but Gary said it wasn't him. Howard said that it smelled like garlic. Gary said he had some spaghetti last night but it wasn't garlic sauce. Howard checked the garbage but he didn't smell anything there. He said that it might be the microphone or something.
Gary said it really wasn't him so Howard said that he was awfully defensive about that. Howard said that maybe it's the seat that Maria was sitting in. He sniffed it and said that must be it.
Howard said he had a bunch of stuff to get to this morning. He ran down a few things and said he had to go to break. Robin said ''Wait a minute!'' but she was just joking about that.
After an edited out break Howard said that he took full responsibility for the breaks not being on time. He said that Tom was the one who was blaming everyone else.
Gary said that he's been trying to get David on the show to do a dial-a-date but he hasn't been able to get in touch with him. He said that he did leave some messages for him but he only got one call back and missed that.
Howard said he's going to reveal this Bon Jovi thing later this week if he doesn't come on the show tomorrow. He said he will reveal it even though he knows that it's wrong morally. He said he has to resort to radio blackmail these days to get guests on the show. He said he feels really burned by Bon Jovi because they treated him like a superstar before they hit big. He said they had them on a couple of times but now there appears to be no payback from them.
Gary said that there's an article in the New York Times that basically says that the Bon Jovi album is bringing an end to pop music. They've sold 3 million copies of it already. Howard said that he heard that the new album isn't all that great. He said his niece was telling him that she doesn't like many of the songs on the album.
Howard said that rock bands seem to think that if they appear on his show, other stations won't want them on. He said that there is a real hate for his show in the radio industry. He said that they're so in awe of him that they'll do anything to keep people off his show.
Howard said that they can sell a lot of records on his show. He said that they could probably sell a lot more records through his show than they could on that dopey Z-100. He said he's not sure what he can do about that though.
Howard said that Bon Jovi should be thinking that he treated him well in the beginning and he should want to pay him back for that. Howard goofed on Scott Muni a little bit about the way he does interviews with guys like that. Howard spent a few minutes talking about Scott Muni and how weird he is with some of the shows he does. He did an impression of him talking about The Beatles like he always seems to do on his show.
Gary said they had some hate mail to read through today. He's also got some news stories for Howard to go through. They also want to call some lesbians today who want to do dial-a-date. He said they wanted to talk about the Elton John show list and about a guy who is selling John Lennon t-shirts.
Howard read through the rest of the list of people who were at the Elton John concert. They listed the people who were there on Saturday night, the night he was there, and left him off. He said that they mentioned Keith Hernandez, Shari Montgomery, Billy Joel and some others. Howard said that you'd think that people would want to know that he was there before they'd list Shari Montgomery. He said that they didn't even list Richard Lewis in that article.
Howard read through a live commercial for some product that took 4 D batteries. He complained about the way it was written because it sounded like it took ''40 batteries.'' He asked Gary to have the copy department change that so he can read it the right way. Howard said he thought they were talking about Robin's vibrator with 4 D batteries. Robin said she doesn't need that much power, her's takes just C batteries.
Howard also talked about how his father used to give him a hard time about going to college for communications. He said that his father was right, he didn't need college for that. He has a deep voice and he can talk so that's about all he needed. He said that he did graduate Magna Cum Laude but it was for watching movies. Howard talked about some of the stuff that they would go over in college classes about how to program networks and stuff like that.
The caller on the line said that he can relate to his problems with his family trying to tell him how to eat. He said that he's got the same issues. Howard took some other calls and spent a few minutes talking to those fans and then went to break.
The caller also asked if Robin has anything to say about Robin Givens since they both have the same name. Howard wondered if this guy was a communication's major or something. He wasn't really able to get his point across.
Howard went into an impression of the guy on the phone and asked him where he was from. He was from Maryland. Howard asked him if he was in retard classes in school. He said he wasn't. Howard asked him a few more questions about where he went to school and things like that. They ended up making fun of him after hearing where he went to school.
The caller said that he graduated with a math major so Howard asked him what he does. The guy said he's a forklift operator now. Robin said that education came in handy then. Howard said that his questions were a little dopey, that's why he was saying what he was saying.
Howard asked Robin to get back to her news and said he'd bring back Mamalookaboobooday during that. He let the caller go a short time later.
Howard wanted to take a break but Robin wanted to read more about the Nusbaum thing. Howard let her do it but said she really has to let him run the show. She read one more story about Spin magazine putting condoms in their magazine. Howard ended up doing an impression of Bob Guccione Jr. and his father since Jr. the owner of that magazine.
Howard had a phone number for Bob Guccione Jr. so he tried calling him after Robin read the story. He said he was just trying to impress the audience by showing them that he has his number. Howard let the phone ring for a few minutes but no one was picking up. He gave up on the call and started doing more of his Bob Guccione impression when his microphone started to cut out. He wondered what kind of radio station he was working at where his microphone cuts him off.
Howard said that they had a K-Rock voter registration there at the station not too long ago and he signed up but he hasn't gotten anything confirming that he's registered. He said that guy Guido didn't let him know what happened. Gary said he'll have them check on that today.
Howard brought up Stuttering John and talked about how he's able to lose the stutter when he plays a character. Gary said that he'll leave messages on his machine in a British accent and he doesn't stutter. Howard said that Fred can be kind of long winded but when he's in character, he keeps things short. He's like a totally different person when he's doing characters.
Howard and the guys spent a few minutes talking about President Bush and about Michael Dukakis. Howard said he's not sure who he'd vote for if he knew he was registered to vote. He said he doesn't want to stand in a booth and try to figure out what local guys to vote for either.
Howard said that if he votes for a Democrat in the Presidential election, he'll usually vote republican in the local elections so they kind of cancel each other out.
Robin got back to her news and read through a bunch of various stories. She had one about Pat Sajak getting his own talk show. She said that he had dinner with Jack Parr so he could get some ideas for what to do on his own show. That led to Howard talking about what a no-talent Jack Parr was. That's why he lost his show and sits around showing old tapes of those old shows. Howard and Robin went through some more news and talked about the stuff she was reading. She wrapped up a short time later.
Howard said he was going to replay the radio movie they made about Dominic Barbara. He said this was based on the movie ''The Accused'' and they were calling it ''Confused.'' He played that and said they'll have another new one in a few days called ''I Love Uterine Cancer'' based on ''I Love Lucy.'' After Howard played the movie he went to break.
Howard said that he's got a daughter who is 5 years old now and he should stop talking like that or she's going to know what he does for a living.
Howard said that his parents are like the complete opposite of him and they don't mind driving around in other countries and stuff. He said that they were over in Spain when they had some car trouble. He said that they had a guy who helped them out and the guy took the car for about 30 minutes and came back with the car fixed and didn't charge them anything. Howard said his father was telling him that the Spanish over there aren't like the Spanish here in this country.
Howard asked Robin if her parents travel to exotic places... like her apartment. She said that they haven't even been there.
Mama and Robin talked about the traffic a little bit and then talked about some stuff that was in the news. Robin asked Mama about Oprah Winfrey and what he thinks of her. He said that he's actually writing a letter to Oprah and read some of that to Robin. He also said that he went to the college that the caller said he went to earlier in the show.
Mama's letter to Oprah talked about how he wants to get into her pants after she lost 90 pounds. He said that there's room in there for him now. He also said that he wants to have a baby girl with her and wants the baby to look just like Oprah. Then Robin asked him about his girlfriend, Loberta, who was in the chopper with him. Loberta (another Howard impression) went off on Mama for writing that letter to Oprah.
Mama got back to the letter to Oprah and talked about how nice it would be to lay in bed with her and how proud he'd be to be the father of her baby. He also described what the child would look like as a mix of Oprah and Mamalookaboobooday.
Mama said that he had a baby with his other girlfriend, Loberta, and he wants Oprah to know that. He continued to read the letter to Oprah and then Loberta went off on him for not ever proposing marriage to her. Robin told Mama that Oprah has a boyfriend. Mama said that she's been with him for a long time but he thinks that he could take his place. He also talked about how he pleasures himself every night, just like that Howard Stern.
Mama and Loberta went at each other a little bit. Then Mama said that's why Robin hasn't heard from him for a while now, because that Loberta hurts his voice.
Mama said he had to get going a short time later. Howard said goodbye to him and let him go. Howard went to a break after that.
Howard talked to the guy who lost the 40 pounds about the weight loss program. The guy talked about that a little bit but Howard asked him to talk softly because Robin was on the ''you know what'' today. Robin said he didn't have to go there.
Howard talked to this guy and his girlfriend for a couple of minutes. He asked the girlfriend about the weight loss thing and she said she lost 10 pounds herself. Howard asked her if she feels more sexy now that he's lost his weight. The guy said that he's too tired to do it but she's asking him to give it to her all the time.
Howard told the guy that he looks great and hopes he can keep the weight off. The guy said that he's on maintenance now and he thinks he'll be able to keep the weight off. Howard said he didn't appear to be any type of genius or anything either. The guy said that he works for a food distributor as a sales rep. Howard asked them if they have plans to get married. The guy asked Howard not to get him in trouble by going there.
Howard asked the woman about her boyfriend's penis size and she seemed to be saying that it looks bigger now but it's not all that big. He wrapped up with Rich and Karen a short time later.
Howard said that he heard that Elton Jon's people were upset about something they thought he said but he claims he never said it. He said that they explained it to his people but they still didn't book him for the show. Gary said that they claim that they've booked him for the show in May. Howard said he knows something about Elton Jon that very few people know about him. He said that it could effect the people he loves.
Howard said that he's got some stuff on Jon Bon Jovi and if he doesn't come on the show by Thursday, he's going to reveal that too. He said that he has to tell Jon what it is he has on him. He told Gary to call Doc McGee so he can tell him what he has on Jon that he wants to reveal. He said that even Doc may not know this bit of information.
Howard said that Jon will be there tomorrow or Thursday because of this information he has. He said he can almost guarantee he'll be on. Gary came back in and said he tried calling Doc but the number was busy. Howard tried calling the number himself after that. He got an answering service that told him to wait on the line. Howard said that he's going to have to keep this information quiet so he may have to have Fred and Jackie leave the studio when he tells Doc what he has.
Howard got through to the secretary at Doc McGee's answering service. He was going to give her the message so he can give him a call back. Howard told her to ask Doc if he's aware that he has some information on a certain Jon Bon Jovi and he's going to reveal that information on Thursday if he doesn't show up by then.
Howard said he was falling in love with the woman on the phone because she was so polite and nice to him. He said that he was hearing her talking and thought that he had a feeling of love all of a sudden. He got back to the message and told her that he's going to reveal this information at 8:30 on Thursday morning. Robin asked him if he really wanted to do it that late, he might want to do it at 7:20. Howard said that the local Z-100 station used to give away money at that time because some dope told them that 7:20 is the time when most people are listening.
Howard finished off the message and asked if he had been a bad person to those guys. He had the woman read back the message so he knew that she had it right. The woman said that if she didn't get off the phone she was going to get fired. Howard asked her to stay on a little longer and make sure she had the message right.
Howard asked her some questions about Ireland since that's where she was from. She said that she moved over to the States many years ago. She spent a couple more minutes with him and kept trying to get off the line. Howard kept her talking though. She eventually got off the line. Howard said he always wanted to marry a receptionist.
Howard said he swears that he has information on Bon Jovi and he really is going to reveal it on Thursday. He said he had to take a break after that.
After an edited out break Howard said that he was driving everyone crazy with the Bon Jovi information. He said he has to blackmail people to get them in there though. He said that someone mailed him a letter years ago, about this thing and he thinks that it sounds like it could be true. He could make one phone call to verify it. He said he never had any interest in doing that before though.
Howard was in the middle of a live commercial so he went through that quickly. Fred dropped some carts during the commercial so Howard couldn't get through it without goofing on him. That led to Howard asking Fred for some sound effects and goofing on WYSP about the way they used to have wind chimes playing in the background. Now they have carts falling over as the sounds in the background. He juggled some carts around to make it sound like that was the new background noise for the station. Howard said that those carts are a pain in the ass.
Howard said that he wanted to get to the Elton Jon song but he kept messing around with the cart falling sound effects. Robin suggested that they hold a contest where people call in to win money when they hear the carts fall. Howard said that's a good idea and he demonstrated what that might sound like. He knocked over a pile of carts so people would know what to listen for.
Stuttering Jon came in and said that Jon Bon Jovi is leaving the country today and he wasn't going to be able to make it in there. Howard said that he's had it with them and he's still going to reveal the information he knows.
Gary came in and wanted to give them some prize information but Howard ended up yelling at him for kicking Jon out of his seat. Gary said he was just trying to give him some information and Jon got up himself.
Howard called Leslie West to verify that it wasn't him who gave the information about Jon Bon Jovi. Leslie picked up and said that he doesn't even know Jon Bon Jovi. Howard said that he was just kidding when he said that it was Leslie, and it was Robin who brought it up in the first place.
Howard talked to Leslie West about some other stuff after that. Leslie wanted to know what this information was but Howard said he can't reveal it until Thursday. Howard said that Leslie is always bringing up all kinds of stuff with him when they talk on the phone. He said that he tries to get things going with him that he doesn't need to.
Howard said that Leslie is like his sister, he calls up and said he can't believe they didn't put his name in the Daily News when they wrote about some other people who were at some event they were at. Howard said that he gets worn out from these conversations he has with Leslie.
Howard said that Leslie gave him some great information about Bon Jovi that he's going to reveal on Thursday. Leslie said ''I did not!'' so Howard said he was just kidding. Howard wished him a happy birthday but Leslie told him to kiss his ass and hung up. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard got a doctor on the phone who said he had never heard of Howard Stern before. He was in Washington DC but said he was originally from Chicago.
Howard said they had a female athlete visiting them today and she had a question for him. It was Fred doing a deep voiced ''Martina'' who asked if she'd have problems if she spilled steroids on her testicles. The doctor said he wasn't sure if she'd have a problem with something like that. Howard told ''Martina'' that she sounded like Fred Mertz. He went into his Ricky Ricardo impression to go along with Fred's impression.
Howard asked the doctor if he's gotten any calls about this before. The doctor said they have about 15 lines and they're almost constantly lit up. He told Howard that the first use of anabolic steroids was for people who got out of the concentration camps in World War II to help them gain weight.
Howard asked the doctor if he thinks that Joe Piscopo is using steroids. The doctor said he thought he looked like an honest guy and he doesn't believe he is using them.
Howard told the doc that he just thought it would be fun to call and ask about the steroids. Tehy spent a few more minutes talking about the doctor's life and found out that he's black. THat gave Howard a whole other line of qustions for the guy. He was asking him if he's married to a black woman. The guy said he was but he really had to get back to work. Howard threw out a couple of jokes but the doc said he really ahd to get back to work. He was laughing through most of the call though.
Howard thanked the doctor a couple of times and kept tellling him he was going to let him go but he kept him on the line ofr a few more minutes. The doc said that he'd talk to them later but Howard knew that they'd never speak again. He made sure to let everyone know that Joe Piscopo doesn't really use steroids.
Meg came in to talk about this thing with Jackie. She was also upset about something that they had played on the air and claimed it was an accident. Howard said that it really was a mistake and he'd take a polygraph test to prove it.
Meg told Robin that she met one of her friends who told her that she had a palm reading done. Robin told her that those people are pulling her leg because she doesn't do that stuff.
Howard told Meg that he really did hit the wrong tape the other day when he played the Tawana Brawley tape. He was trying to play a clip of Meg but it turned out to be the wrong one. Howard said that he wasn't trying to upset her and he wasn't going to replay it today.
Howard played the tape of Jackie doing his joke show during Meg's shift. He was telling a bunch of dopey jokes and Meg laughed at a couple of them. She said she was laughing at a bunch of them, they just couldn't hear them.
Howard asked Meg if it was that time of month when she got all upset with him last week. She said it wasn't that time. Howard played another clip of Jackie doing his thing during another one of Meg's shows. Jackie said that they asked him to do this thing as soon as possible so he rushed them on the air. Jackie blamed the station for making him do them the way he did. Howard blamed Jackie for all of that because he was the one demanding more air time.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Meg about her marriage and found out that she wasn't having sex with her boyfriend when she was working with Howard at WRNW. Howard found that hard to believe. He told Meg that she must be really uptight. He said that she was with him for like a year before she had sex with him then. He said she must be something else for that guy to go that long without having sex with her. Howard said that Robin processes men like cheese and he can't believe Meg went that long without her man.
Howard said that he was going to continue this conversation tomorrow. Robin threw in a couple more quick news stories before they wrapped up. Howard couldn't let the story about Meg's sex life drop so he asked her more about that. Meg didn't want to get into too many details but she did mention that her in-laws were on the honeymoon. Meg said that Howard was going to get her into trouble if he kept talking about this.
Howard said he has to go home and think about this some more tonight and come back tomorrow to talk more about it. He later said that he's never going to bring it up again, until tomorrow. He asked Meg to come in at 7 tomorrow morning. He wrapped up the show a short time later.