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Howard started off the show having some technical problems with his headphones. He wasn't sure if that was his problem or not but he swapped the ears on them. He went on to say that ever since Christmas the people at SIRIUS have been after him to go on Letterman. They wanted him to go on to promote the service. As he was talking about that Howard asked Robin to look at him when he was talking because he thought she might be doing something else. He said that's something that his shrink has told him he needs from people.
Howard got sidetracked and ended up talking about his therapy and how long he's been going and how he can't seem to get out of that. Howard said that Robin was able to make rapid progress but he can't seem to get anywhere with his therapy. He said that maybe Robin needed to be there more than she was. He asked her what her breakthrough was.
Robin said that she was out of control and maybe he hasn't hit that bottom that she had hit back then. Howard said that he doesn't want to go that low. He said that everything is so hard. Robin said that they were talking about Howard at Jon Hein's daughter's bat mitzvah. Howard said that he should have gone just to keep them from talking about him.
Robin said that Jon was very thankful for people showing up, unlike Howard would be at something like that. Howard asked Robin if she went to that party solo. She did because Jim Florentine was out of town that night. Artie said that things will be really serious when Robin starts going out to shows with Jim. He said that all the women eventually do that.
Howard asked Robin if anything crazy happened at the party on Saturday night. Robin said that Ralph had a great line that night because Ronnie had a date with him and it wasn't his wife. Howard said he didn't know anything about that and Robin said she wasn't sure she wanted to say anything about it and out him. Howard claimed he didn't know a thing.
Howard asked Ronnie to come in and explain himself but he didn't come in. Howard said he really wasn't sure what was going on and Ronnie wasn't coming in to explain himself. Howard said it was probably a friend of his son's or something.
Ronnie came in and said that he didn't know what she was talking about either. He said that it was just a friend. He said that he and his wife have kind of split up at this point. Howard said that they really don't talk and he had no idea about this.
Ronnie said that it was just a friend that he brought. He was sweating talking about this. He wasn't clear about his marriage or what was going to happen there. Howard asked Ronnie what was going on with the girl he was with and how old she was. Ronnie said he didn't know but she did have to pack a lunch box to go with him.
Robin said that they were all abuzz about the whole thing. Howard said he heard that Gary was seated next to Ronnie and his new girl. He said that it was all news to him. Howard wondered when all of this happened. Ronnie said that he'd know if he talked to him.
Howard said he did hear from Gary about some of what was going on. He said that he heard that some people thought she was JD's date because she was so young. Ronnie said that she's just a friend. Robin said she knows how old she is. She said that she's in her 20s. She said that she's actually pre-25 after Fred asked. Howard asked Ronnie how old he is. Ronnie said that he doesn't know. He was being as vague as possible with this whole thing.
Ronnie said that the girl was almost 25. Howard said that his daughter is almost 25. He asked Gary to come in and tell him what it was like to sit next to that girl. Gary came in a short time later and said that the girl was very sweet and quiet. She looked nervous too. He said that he talked to her for a little bit. He said that Ronnie was making jokes about the age difference too. Howard asked if she's into that Hannah Montana chick because he might be able to get her tickets.
Howard asked where Ronnie met this chick. Gary said he wasn't positive. He said that his wife was kind of surprised by the whole thing. Artie asked if she's speaks broken English. Everyone said she's from the mid-west and does speak English just fine.
Howard asked Ronnie how he met this girl but Ronnie said he didn't want to go there. He didn't want to get into it on the air. He joked that it was through some web site where you meet other people but he was just joking. Artie said he was impressed with Ronnie.
Gary said that this young girl told him that she had to have her outfit approved by Ronnie. Howard asked if she was able to come in her first pick. He said that she had to change into a second outfit. Howard heard that Chris Hanson from ''To Catch a Predator'' wanted to come in and talk to Ronnie. That was just a joke that someone had written out in the office.
Gary said that he wanted to make Ronnie feel comfortable at the party so he treated her nicely when they were there. Howard asked Ronnie if the girl knows how old he is. Ronnie said that she does. He's not lying about his age.
Howard said that Ronnie is even older than him. That led to them talking about the ages of some other people like Mike Huckabee who is actually younger than Howard. Gary said that James Gandolfini is younger than him and he finds that hard to believe.
Howard said that Ronnie has been trying to get into shape lately and he had a feeling something was going on. He said that he must have hit the mid-life crisis or something. Ronnie said that's not it at all. Howard said that it's impressive that Ronnie is hanging out with a 24 year old. Artie said that he's impressed.
Ronnie said that he's just been enjoying himself and behaving himself when he's out. Gary figured that Ronnie was on good behavior in front of this new girl. The guys talked about the Scoresman stuff for a short time and Howard said that his new name should be ''Divorcedman.'' Ronnie said that he's not divorced, he's just legally separated. Howard said that's just about divorced.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Ronnie is passed his mid-life crisis, he's near the end of his life crisis. They talked about how Ronnie is like 60 years old so it's only his mid-life if he's going to live to 120.
Ronnie said he was talking to Benjy about Ivy at the party. Howard said they weren't interested in that stuff right now, he wanted to talk to Ronnie about his relationship. Benjy said that Ronnie did lay down the law with this new girl and he's not going to get married again. He's not even going to move in with anyone so he let this new girl know that.
We also learned that Ronnie is going to a shrink now. He told the guys about what he was told about letting his feelings out with this new girl. He also revealed that he's been going out with her for a couple of months now. Artie was goofing on Ronnie doing an impression of him as if he were a Dice Clay-like character talking to this chick.
Howard asked Gary what he told his wife about this relationship. Gary said he let Mary know that it wasn't going to be Bonnie who was going to be there and she was going to be someone she wouldn't expect to see. He said that it was kind of like a coming out party when he brings her to an event like that.
Gary said that Mary's reaction was ''give me a fuckin' break'' when she met this girl for the first time. She was shocked that she was so young. She wasn't so shocked that he was with someone else, it was just her age that shocked her.
Jon Hein came in and said that he knew that he was bringing a date and he had a feeling that he was going to be bringing another woman. Ronnie said he wasn't sure which one he was going to bring though so he couldn't let him know her name right away. Howard sounded surprised to hear that. He didn't know that Ronnie had more than one girl.
Robin said she saw Ronnie giving young girls tours there. He said that he doesn't do that during the show. Artie was doing his impression again and said that's what he calls his ''Whore Tour.'' Robin said she saw Ronnie giving a tour to a beautiful young girl one day. Ronnie said he met her at a restaurant. Howard, Fred and Artie were all doing their impressions of Ronnie but they were all doing it as Dice.
Gary said that there was a lot of talk about Ronnie that night. He said that it was kind of sad that they were doing that but it should have been expected. He said that they were trying to figure out the age difference between the girl and Ronnie's son, not even between Ronnie and the girl. Robin said that she was so young that they kept trying to seat her at the Bat Mitzvah table.
Howard asked Ronnie how he picked this girl over the others. He said that he didn't have anyone else lined up to go. He said that this girl is his best friend right now, the other girl is just a good friend.
Howard said that Ronnie could have gone to this event without the girl if he wanted to keep it quiet. Ronnie said he was tired of going to these things alone so he wanted to bring someone with him. Howard asked Ronnie if all of this is going to distract him from doing his job standing in the hall and driving his limo. Ronnie said he's going to be fine.
Ronnie asked if he could go now that they're done. Howard said that he can go but they're not done with him yet. Robin said that she saw this girl running her hand through his hair at the party. She said that showed that she was very familiar with Ronnie. Howard said that he'd better hook up with one of them before the show ends.
Robin said that she didn't know that Howard didn't know about this. She figured that if he was at a party like that, he must be ready to let the story out. Howard asked if there are any pictures of this girl. Robin said there must be some out there. She said that she was very lovely.
Howard asked Benjy what he thinks. He said that she was very cute and if she's just his friend, he might give her a call himself. Howard said that Benjy is another Hugh Hefner. Robin said that she was getting updates from Ivy about things over the weekend too. She said that she heard that Benjy was asking her to go to this Bat Mitzvah thing too.
Howard said that there's no one more creepy than the guy who owns that magazine, Steve Forbes. Howard said that he thinks that Jerry Seinfeld is even creepier than he is because he dated a 16 year old. Howard said that he thinks that he's going to go down in history as being rude and creepy no matter what he does.
The caller also asked if Howard thinks he's more powerful than Donald Trump. Howard said that he's powerful at all. He said that Trump has abilities to do things that he probably can't but he wasn't even sure what that means to be more powerful than someone else. He said he didn't give a shit anyway.
Howard said that he may be kind of creepy staring at the girls who ride the Sybian. He said that if he is creepy because of that, the people who watch him doing it are just as creepy. He said his father loves Forbes though and it is kind of cool that his name is in there so his father can see that.
Howard said he turned down another offer to go on Letterman and figured he could get off until next Christmas. Then he got a call from someone last week asking him to do a walk on. He didn't want to do that even though it was just one line. He said his agent was out of town and he told them that he couldn't make the decision without his agent. He said he lied to them and told them that he can't do that. Howard said he'd do anything to get out of the whole thing.
Artie said that the writer's strike isn't really over yet so he could use that to get out of the gig. Howard said that he looked into that and the writers are so behind him that they are encouraging people to go do that show and not the other shows.
Howard said he was going to use the writer's strike to get out of doing Letterman but now he can't do that because the writer's are so behind him. Meanwhile Leno is doing his show and has a lot of writers coming out against his show because Leno is in the writer's guild and he's basically a scab by doing his show.
Howard said that Letterman's people called again and asked him to be on tonight. He said that his agent was still away so he told them that he couldn't do it without him giving the okay. He said that he really doesn't want to do that show and he's still feeling sick after Christmas vacation. He said that he can't shake these colds he gets.
Howard said his agent got back and asked him about this Letterman thing. He asked him what he wanted to talk about and Howard had no idea. He said that he's the one guy in this country who doesn't want to do Letterman. He said that his agent asked him to do it because Letterman needs his help because he's kind of hurting over there. He said that Dave is shaving his beard off tonight. Ralph suggested that he shave his head on the same show. Howard said that he thought about doing it but Beth told him not to dare do that.
A caller told Howard that he has to remember the people who helped him get to where he got. Howard said that he feels such pressure when he does those things that he doesn't like doing then. He said that this has nothing to do with being pompous or being full of himself. It's all about his nerves and being afraid of bombing when he does things like that. Howard said that Dave doesn't do other shows himself and he has to notice that. Howard said that he's not doing this to punish anyone, he just doesn't want to do it.
Howard said he got out of doing the show tonight. He was seriously thinking of doing the shaving thing though. Howard asked the caller what he does for a living. He found out that he was a truck driver so he asked him to go drive for another shift, for free, because his fans want to see it. The caller said that it's not the same thing though. Howard told the guy that he wasn't thinking like a working man. The caller said that it's nice to see him on other shows once in a while. Howard said that it's nice for the fans but it's not nice for him because he doesn't like doing the show. The caller said that he should pay some respect to the fans and just do it.
Howard said that he is going to be doing Letterman but he didn't say when. Howard said he got all upset when he heard that they asked Letterman to do the History of Howard Stern. When he heard that he was afraid that he was going to owe him one.
Howard went through some more calls and eventually said that he's going to be on Letterman next Monday. He said he'll stand there and make people laugh. The caller asked who is going to get Ronnie's NASCAR tire from his basement. The guys figured that Ronnie is going to get all of that stuff.
A caller told Howard to watch the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine is dating a guy who shaves his head after having a great head of hair. He comes back looking like Curly from the Three Stooges. Howard said that he feels like he has to do crazy stuff like that when he goes on. He said Beth told him that he'd regret it after he did it because it would only be outrageous for a short time.
The caller Howard had on the line asked what it means when someone calls him a moulignon. Howard told him it means he's a nice guy. The guy was black and knew that he was just kidding about that. That all led to the guys talking about other words that people use to describe black people like schvoogie and things like that. They spent a minute on that before Howard got back to the Letterman thing.
Howard said that his shrink will get him all psyched up to do the Letterman thing. He said that he'll let him know what he should do and get him all hyped up to do it. Robin told him that's why he's still in therapy and he'll never move on. Howard asked her to come with him and fire the guy when he goes to his next appointment. '
Howard said that Britney's mother and sister called Dr. Phil to help them out because they were about to go on the show. He said that Dr. Phil, being the whore that he is, goes down to the hospital and tries to work with her. Britney said that she didn't want to talk to him so he went right to the press and held a press conference and said that she's in severe need of psychiatric help. He claimed that he spent an hour with her and he really only spent about 15 minutes according to Robin. She also said that he claimed to have walked her to her car but she didn't walk anywhere with him.
Howard said that Britney might be more normal than Dr. Phil. He said that he's out there doing interviews and stuff after that short meeting and he wasn't even helping her out. He said that guy is such a skunk. If he really cared about Britney, he would have kept his mouth shut. He only did it because the TV cameras were going to be there. Artie said that Oprah Winfrey should see that too but she apparently doesn't.
Howard ended up playing some Dr. Phil clips that Richard put together using his audio book. They edited the clips to make it sound like he was saying some really rude stuff. Howard said he had to take a break but he took one last phone call before doing that. The guy said that he thinks that he's worrying about his Letterman appearance too much and he should just be himself when he goes on that show. Howard said that's funny because that's what his shrink tells him. He said that his shrink tells him to just be himself and not try to prove himself.
Howard said that Robin Williams was really good on Letterman last week. He said that the guy was really funny goofing on Dave's beard and stuff. He wants to go on and entertain people too so that's why he feels this pressure. The caller said he likes Howard's radio show and didn't like him on TV the first time he saw him. He said he prefers the banter they have on the radio show and not some planned out bit that he does on TV.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he shouldn't do Letterman, fuck David Letterman. Howard said that he likes Dave, it's just the pressure of doing the show that he doesn't like. The caller asked for a tour of the studio so Howard said he'd do that but Robin joked that he could only get one if he was dating Ronnie the Limo Driver. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if anyone was fooled by Roger Clemens and the stuff he was saying on 60 Minutes last night. Howard said he wanted to believe the guy but the guy who is accusing him of using steroids gave the government 90 names and his motivation wasn't to hurt people. He and the guys talked about this guy who was a trainer for Clemens and a bunch of other players.
Artie said that Clemens looked like he was doing everything that an innocent guy would do but he's not sure if he believes it or not. Robin said that she would be on fire if she was in his situation and he didn't know that he was given steroids. The trainer is claiming that he was asked to give it to him. Robin said that one of them is lying obviously.
Gary came in and said that the guy who gave Clemens' name really didn't have any reason to lie about this stuff. He just gave them a bunch of names of people that he gave steroids to. Some of the people admitted to have used them but Clemens is denying it.
Artie said that Mike Wallace asked him if he'd be willing to take a lie detector test and he said he would but it wouldn't prove anything. Howard agreed with that because he's taken them and they're not that accurate. The guys talked about a lot of the stuff that came up during that interview but Howard wanted to move on.
Howard brought up the NY Giants game that happened over the weekend and how great it was to watch. He said that he can't wait to watch next week's game. They spent a short time on that. Howard brought up Tony Romo and how he's dating Jessica Simpson and he may be distracted by her and it may screw up his game.
Howard said that this Huckabee can't even answer a question. He answers like he's a preacher. He said they asked him about raising taxes when he was governor and he would just say that he did it to help families. He said that there's no way he can be the nominee for the republican party.
Howard said that Rudy Giuliani should be the guy. He was also saying that this guy Ron Paul is great. He said that he's got some great things when he makes speeches and he makes a lot of sense. He said he heard him speak one time and thinks that he should get more air time. Gary asked him where the votes are though. Howard didn't have an answer for him there.
Howard said he thinks that Hillary Clinton is going to get the nomination and so will Rudy Giuliani. He said that it may not seem like it right now but that's the way things will play out. Howard said that if you really want to hear some political discussions, John the Stutterer is doing a show tonight on Howard 101 at 7pm and he'll be talking about all of that.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he'd like to know what Mike Wallace is taking to be going at his age. Howard said that the guy is amazing that he's still going at that age. He's like 88 years old. Ralph called in and talked about how Giuliani wasn't a great mayor and he was only good on 9/11. Howard said that's not true, he converted the city into a cash cow and made real estate values go up and cleaned up the Javits center and a bunch of other stuff. Howard said he was going to hang up on Ralph because of what he was saying.
Ralph said that Howard is a rich person living in the city, that's why he's okay with what Rudy did. They argued about all of that for a few minutes.
Howard said that Mike Wallace is going to be 90 years old this year. He said he looks good for someone that old. Ralph said that he's not that good looking. Ralph said that he's impressed with one guy and that's Howard because he heard that History of Howard Stern and found a new respect for him.
Howard said that he likes to go out to eat with his fiancé but the people at the restaurants will come over and shake his hand, right before he's about to eat. He said that's just wrong. He said that he just doesn't want to shake hands. He's fine with people saying hello to him but not shake his hand. He's been bringing this spray with him so he can spray his hands after he gets the hand shake. He said that Beth will carry this stuff in her purse so he sprays down at the table after the hand shaking. He said that he'd wear gloves at dinner if he could.
Howard said he has stuff in the studio to clean his hands too. Robin said that when you do that you lower your resistance to germs and eventually he won't be able to fight any of that stuff off.
Howard said that another great movie is ''Fractured'' which was another one that Ralph had on his list. He said he also watched the Giants game and then the Teeth movie over the weekend. That got the guys back into the football discussions for a short time.
Howard said that Eric was basically calling in to tell them that nothing happened. They said that his preamble was longer than his report was. Eric said that he wanted to thank the guys for having him out to the shows. He got up on stage with Shuli. Howard said that means that something did happen because Eric was up on stage. He asked him what they did with him and joked that they flew him with balloons. Eric said he told one joke on Saturday night.
Howard asked Ralph what it sounded like when he was up on stage. Ralph goofed on Eric and did his impression of him for a few seconds. Howard said that he was watching Eric on his web cam and his face was a mess because he has acne and a rash or something on him. He said that God is really cruel to this poor guy. Eric had a picture of a hot chick on his cam and he was telling Howard he should be looking at that instead.
Eric said that he told a joke that he'd heard on some TV show and told the guys what it was. No one was laughing though.
Sal came in and said that he was watching Scott the Engineer the whole night and couldn't take his eyes off of him. He said that he was like a cinder block there because he doesn't move or change expressions the whole night. Sal wondered who has it worse, him or Scott. Fred said that Sal might have it worse because he has a hot wife and he's not even getting laid. Sal said that people kept cutting in on his dancing with his wife. He said that the DJ there set him up with a hot chick because he felt so bad for him getting cut in on all the time.
Sal said that Ralph had a blast with his wife. Ralph said he did but he was also dancing with the hot chick who was there with the DJ. Sal said that he and Ralph have this move where they pretend to be taking pictures of each other, meanwhile they're just taking pictures of girl's asses and cleavage.
Ralph said Sal made a great video of Scott from the Bat Mitzvah and it was very well produced. Scott came in and said that he just sits there and tries not to make a fool of himself. That led to Scott talking about how he's going to be keeping his dog after everything that happened last week. Howard said that Scott is claiming that it's because of him that he's keeping the dog but he doesn't want him to keep it because of him. Scott said that they're not just keeping it because of him.
Howard asked Scott if his wife was yelling at him when he got home after the whole dog thing last week. Scott said that it was fine. They didn't fight.
Howard talked about how he's gotten a save the date card for Will's wedding but he's pretty sure he has something else planned for that day. Will said that's fine because it's going to be 3 hours away and he wouldn't expect Howard to show up. Howard said that if i twas in New York, he'd probably show up. Will said that his fiancé's family lives up there where they're going.
Howard said that there's a picture of Scott sitting alone at the Bat Mitzvah up on his web site. Robin said she went over and sat next to Scott at one point during the party and it was as bad as she thought it was going to be. Howard said that he's a total buzz kill at those things. Scott said that no one was forced to sit next to him or anything at the table. Ralph and Robin sat across the table from him. Ralph said that he's like a chameleon and just sits there and blends into the background so it's no big deal.
Howard asked if Scott was the lamest of the people there. Robin said he was as if it was a silly question. Howard heard that Scott was a real downer at the SIRIUS party as well. Scott said that he doesn't want to get drunk and make a fool out of himself. He just goes and has fun in his own way. Howard said he finds it funny that Scott had a second job of trying to entertain people at parties when he was a DJ. He said that Scott is like the least fun guy in the world and he was trying to make people have fun.
Sal said they had a clip to play from that video he made of Scott but Howard didn't want to force him into seeing that. He wanted to leave the poor guy alone. He let Sal and Scott go after that. He said that the movie is really funny but he didn't want to make Scott see it.
Howard said that the 8.3 million subscriber number is huge. He said that when he thinks about that he realized just how big that is. He said that people claim he has lost his influence since moving there but that's just not the case. He said that Stephen Baldwin was on the show last week and he was the number 4 most searched term on Google. He said that he has a lot of influence and he thinks that he has more of an influence than even a David Letterman does.
Howard and Robin talked about the merger thing and said that maybe it is because of them that it's being held up so long.
Howard said that he was reading about John Stewart and Stephen Colbert's shows, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. He said that they're heavily scripted and he's not sure how they can come back if they don't have writers. Howard said that he'll have to tune in to see what they're doing if that's the case. They won't have writers so they'll have to do interviews instead.
Howard said he saw Letterman interviewing his staff which was odd. He said that he was interviewing a girl who works on the show and just did a straight interview with her. Robin said that Leno was taking questions from the audience. She said that they should sit there in the audience. Howard said he would do that and ask Jay some questions.
Howard read that CBS may let Katie Couric go from the evening news. She may go to 60 Minutes instead but she's apparently upset about that. Her move to the evening news was apparently a failure.
The guys said that Bob Levy was willing to take that Friday morning slot on Howard 101. That led to the guys talking to Artie about Bob's wedding that was supposed to happen this weekend out in Vegas. Robin said that she heard that Bob Levy gave his first two wives the same ring and that shows how romantic he is.
Howard said that Bubba claims that he can handle the two shifts every day but he's not sure if he'll be able to do the straight morning show, with no cursing, and then come to SIRIUS. He said that he heard that the people at COX have already warned him about the content and they'll be riding that delay button the whole time.
Howard said that Bubba didn't want to give up his relationship with the show and he's staying on with SIRIUS. He said that really shows some commitment from the guy.
Howard said that he had a deal years ago to do a Saturday morning syndicated show and they were doing double interviews with the same people. He wondered if he was supposed to do the same interviews or something. Robin said that it was very rehearsed sounding. Howard said that it was a real drag.
Howard said that maybe they should call Bubba and ask them to put him on hold so they can listen in to what they're doing over there. Gary said that he'd make that happen. Howard figured that Bubba was a whole different person doing that show. Howard said he's on down in Tampa where he broadcasts from. Gary came back on a few minutes later and told him that Bubba doesn't start until tomorrow. They'll do that tomorrow instead.
Howard played some old Bubba clips from when he was on a radio station doing some kind of weird black impression when he was the DJ. Howard said that's going to be a tough schedule for him.
Howard said that Eric had to read a script for that big and he reads it so literally that it comes out funny. Artie was grossed out every time Eric made a ''chh'' sound because it's so filled with phlegm. Howard replayed the call after that and got a few more laughs out of it. The woman at the pharmacy was trying to be nice but Eric drove her over the edge and upset her.
Howard said that he heard that there's a warrant out for Eric's arrest or something but he wasn't sure of the details.
Zach said that Ronnie looked like Schneider from One Day at a Time with the big wad of keys on his belt. Howard asked why Zach is in a wheelchair. He said that he hit a sand bar when he was out swimming and now he's a quadriplegic. That led to Artie talking about how a lot of people get hurt in the ocean when they dive in.
Howard said that he once bashed his head into a wall in the pool when he was swimming with his kids. Ralph was back on the phone and laughing in the background as he heard that story.
Ralph said that he's not trying to look like Howard, he thinks that Howard is the one trying to look like him. He said that Howard is the one cutting his hair shorter. He said that he doesn't go out and buy clothes like Howard's, it's Howard who has him shopping for him. Howard hung up on him a short time later.
Howard said that Artie is doing guest shots on big shows and doing Letterman and things like that. Gary said that Stuttering John is going to do an interview for the History of Howard Stern. Howard said he thinks that John is afraid of being fired by Jay so he stays away from the show for the most part. He said he likes John though and he does miss him.
lee asked if he could come in and get his balls shocked for his birthday. Howard said he'd have to think about something like that. He's not sure he wants to get involved with that guy.
Howard finished playing the High Pitch Eric call and played some extra stuff where they had him saying words where he'd do the ''chh'' thing that Artie hates so much. He said that Eric just ''sweats disgustingness.''
Howard played a clip of Dr. Phil explaining why he went to see Britney Spears after her family requested that he do so. Howard went off on the guy for going out and doing press after that and how he could have kept his mouth shut about the whole thing. He said that the guy isn't even a real doctor, he's just got a PHD. He said that anyone who has a PHD shouldn't be calling themselves doctors. He said that he loves when Chiropractors call themselves doctors too.
Howard said that he's not going to call any of those people ''doctor'' if he comes across them. He said that he'd like to know more about Dr. Phil's PHD and how he managed to get that. He heard that he went to the University of North Texas so he wanted to know what you need to get into that school. Robin laughed and said that you probably just need a driver's license.
Howard played more of the Dr. Phil clip and goofed on him a bit. He asked about the University of North Texas and found out that Stone Cold Steve Austin graduated there too. He joked that they must have majored in bullshit. Gary said that they found out that schools are ranked as tiers and that school is ranked as a fourth tier school which is pretty bad.
Jon Hein came in to explain the tier ratings for schools. He said that there are first tiers like Harvard and Yale. Then there are second tier like Boston University and Stanford. Then there are third tier that are satellite tier schools like that. Then there are the fourth tier which are lower than those. He said that you probably don't need much to get into those schools.
Howard said that the average grade point average for a student going there is a mere 2.2. That led to Artie doing his Animal House impression where he does the ''Zero point zero'' speech. Howard read more stats about Dr. Phil's school and how low your SAT scores can be to get in there. Jon reminded Howard that they've changed them since Dr. Phil went so they probably only required about an 800 back then.
Robin said that she just found what you need to get into that school. She said that you just need to have graduated high school. Howard said that he now knows what he wants to talk to David Letterman about next week, Dr. Phil.
Howard said that guy Fred Thompson seems like a real asshole. He and the guys spent a minute talking about him before Howard moved on. Robin interrupted him and said that there actually were more requirements to get into that school that Dr. Phil went to. She said that you need a 950 SAT score. Howard said he really hates that PHD thing and people calling themselves doctors with that. He said that Dr. Phil shouldn't be allowed to call himself one. He suggested that they should be called ''Schmoctors'' or something like that, not doctor. He said that it should be Schmoctor Phil.
Howard said he read that Dr. Phil also went to a fourth tier school to do his undergrad studies. He goofed on him about that and then took a call from a guy who said that he wanted to defend the PHD thing. Howard said he's got nothing against a PHD, it's the way that it's used that he's upset about. He said that this guy on the phone had a PHD in psychology and he went to a better school so he should be upset with Dr. Phil. The guy said that he's a psychologist himself. He said that Dr. Phil was the lucky one who got in with Oprah Winfrey, that's why he's got the fame he does.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Dr. Phil is a real asshole. She went off on him and said that his wife even thinks that she's a doctor. She also said that she knows what Howard is good on Letterman and he should just go on and have fun and be himself. Howard said he doesn't hate Letterman, he just doesn't like doing the show.
Howard read through a bunch of the stuff and got some laughs from the guys. This guy wrote everything as if Chuck were some type of God. There was a reference to Tom Cruise in one of the comments so that led to Howard talking about something that was in a book about Tom Cruise. The author claims that the baby that Tom and his wife had was actually the sperm from L. Ron Hubbard. Howard said he hopes that it's true but he's not sure if that's the case. Artie said he heard something about that but he didn't hear that it might actually be his actual sperm.
Howard talked about some other stuff about Tom Cruise that they had heard. Artie heard some stuff to so he threw that into the conversation. They spent a couple of minutes on that stuff and talked about how that author is so afraid of the Scientologists that he's moved and won't tell anyone where he went.
Howard said there was a picture of Tony Romo out with Jessica Simpson in Cabo. He said that Jessica is looking really hot in the pictures. They talked about that for a short time but Howard had to go to break before getting to more stuff.
Howard asked JD how long they interviewed him. JD said that they went through a whole sheet of questions and asked him all of this stuff. He said that they were herding people in like cattle when they were picking the jury. He said they looked over his sheet and asked the questions. JD said that they brought up Howard's name and asked him if he was against lawyers the same way Howard was. JD said he has a hard time lying so he said that he didn't care about that stuff.
Gary said that he had to testify in front of a grand jury one time and when he walked into the room there was a guy with a stocking on his head who slept through his whole testimony. He said it was like 12 Scott the Engineer's sitting there listening to him.
Robin said that if JD gets on the jury, he could end up as foreman. Howard said that if someone asks you if you agree with Howard Stern's views, you agree with it and they kick you off the jury. It's easy to get off of that stuff. Howard gave JD some advice about what he could do to get out of the whole thing by throwing out some racial slurs and stuff like that. He did his impression of JD and goofed on him for a little while.
Howard said that when Fred goes to Jury Duty he shows up in a Hitler costume, that's why he never has to sit on a jury. He finished up the Dial a Mattress commercial he was doing and came back from the break a short time later.
Will asked him if he wanted to have her on but she didn't have a lot of stuff to talk about other than the fact that she's one of those chicks who didn't think she could have sex until she was engaged, and now she's been engaged like 5 times. Howard said that it didn't seem that interesting to him. Will came in and said that she's had sex with celebrities but she doesn't want to talk about the stuff. He said he did get it out of her that she had a Saudi Prince buy her a house. Howard said he was going to pass on this chick.
Artie said that he knew this guy who was a Saudi Prince who didn't have to work and all he does is sit home and fuck all the time. He said that he's seen him out with chicks and he's not sure if he just calls whores and has them over or what. He said that the kid is at his father's beckon call but other than that he can just sit around doing nothing.
Artie said that this guy was at the building he was living in out in L.A. when he was on the Norm Show. He said he was paying $5,000 a month for rent at this place and lived in the same building as Stevie Wonder. Howard asked Artie how his new house is coming along. He said that it's looking really good and it's almost done. He said he loves it and can't wait for it to be done. He said that it's going to be a summer house so he won't be there all the time.
Artie said he'll be able to get in within about a month or so. He's going to have a TV show doing the media room there. He said they have a huge center island in the kitchen and things like that. Howard said that he can imagine the eating that's going to go on there. Artie said he's going to have an elevator that goes from the basement to the top floor where the media room is.
Artie said his house is 7000 square feet and it's got 7 fucking bedrooms. Howard asked him if he's going to fuck in every one of those seven rooms. He said he's going to try. Howard and Robin had some fun goofing on Artie about that stuff. Artie said that he won't be able to stay there because he'll be out doing comedy shows to pay for it. He said that Robin will be able to bring her boat up there and dock it at his pier. He said he's got room for four boats there but he doesn't even have one.
Robin can bring her boat or have Jim Florentine drive it up there. Fred went into his Jim impression and said that he was going to be playing with her ''man in the boat'' while she drove her boat. Howard said that Robin once crashed into her dock one time. Robin said that she didn't crash, she just got stuck.
Artie said that he told Robin to come down to his place every weekend if she wants. Robin said that she might find her way there with her captain helping her out. Artie said that he'd like to take his boat from that house to Hoboken where he lives now. He's right on the Hudson so he could technically do that. He figures it would take him like 7 hours to do it through.
The guys talked about how they had to talk Artie into buying a house like this. He wanted to sell the place in Hoboken and just buy another house instead of having two places. Howard said that Artie almost quit the show over that conversation. Artie said he never said he was going to quit over that.
Howard thinks that Artie will have some fun at this new house and he'll have to get a boat so he can go out and stare at his house or float up to Hoboken and just stare at his apartment. Howard said he never wanted to get a boat because he'd end up like Gilligan on Gilligan's Island.
Howard took a call from a guy who had a suggestion for Howard doing his Letterman thing next week. The guy suggested that he talk about the merger and maybe request a congressional investigation into the whole thing. Howard said that may come up next week. The guy thinks that the government won't approve it because they have no control over the service at this point.
Steve said that they have more on Artie's book ''Too Fat To Fish'' and what a huge fan of Artie and the Stern Show the publishers are. Steve said that they have a story about High Pitch Eric as well but they're looking into that further before announcing if he's up on charges or anything.
Jon Hein came in and gave his preview of the Wrap Up Show. they're going to talk about Ronnie and his new ''friend'' that he brought to the Bat Mitzvah party over the weekend. Howard said that it was all a shock to him. He said that she's only 24 years old and he's not sure he could date anyone that young since his daughter is turning 25. He said that age would have to be his cut off.
Artie said that he's upset that he missed Howard's crazy single time. He said it would have been a great way to die partying with Howard and all of the chicks he was seeing. Howard said that he doesn't think that he'd be able to date anyone that young unless his daughter was like 27, that way he'd start to work his way backwards.
Howard said he heard that Jon was upset that he thought that he only got the invite to that Bat Mitzvah because he wanted the money. Jon said that Ronnie gave a very generous gift and a very nice card as well. He said that JD was the cheapest but they were fine with that. He said he also sent the money in a Hannah Montana singing birthday card. JD came in and said that he gave her $25. He doesn't have a lot of money to be shelling out for stuff like that.
Howard asked JD if he considered $30. JD just said ''Whatever...'' Howard heard that he wore sneakers to the Bat Mitzvah too. He said that's not cool. They had a picture of him wearing the same type of pants he was wearing this morning. Artie said he looks like the bass player for The Clash. JD said he didn't know it was going to be that nice of a party.
Jon said that Howard, Fred and Artie gave the most money. Fred gave $500 and so did Howard and Artie. Howard thought he sent $1000 but it turns out it was just $500. Robin said that was really rude that he only sent that much but claimed he'd sent $1000. Robin said she thought he had sent $1000 and that's why she gave $500. Howard said he must have been in a mood, it all depends on the mood he's in.
Gary said he was going to give what Howard gave but then he figured he could lower it a little bit. Ralph called in and asked why they all do what Howard does. He said that he thinks that Howard owes Jon $500. Ralph said that he was just going to sign Robin's card and go in on the money with Robin.
Howard heard that Richard Christy only gave $100 for two people. Jon said that was correct. Ralph thought it was kind of tacky that Jon was telling people how much they were giving. Howard told him to shut up and hung up on him.
Artie said that Richard is an insane alcoholic so he wouldn't know what to give. Richard came in and said that he thought that $100 was really good for a party like that. He said he was looking at it as a 13 year old's birthday party. Richard was also wearing a yarmulke at the event so the guys thought that he was goofing around with it but Richard said that Jon gave it to him so he just wore it.
Ralph called back and said that he thought that Teddy, Artie's assistant, looked like a mess at the party. he's got a huge belly and his suit was all wrinkled up. They spent a minute on that before Howard had Jon get back to his Wrap Up Show preview.
Jon said that they're going to talk about Howard's upcoming Letterman appearance and about the Dr. Phil stuff they did and a bunch of other things. Howard thanked him for that and congratulated him on his daughter's Bat Mitzvah.
Howard heard that Benjy didn't bring a gift for Jon's daughter to the party. Benjy said that he thinks it's a pain in the ass to do that so he had the check and the card with him this morning. Howard told him to just bring it with him next time.
Robin read a story about how Jay Leno and Jimmy Kimmel are going to be visiting each other's shows because they can't get guests to fill their slots. Howard said that Letterman is allowed to have guests but he's been interviewing his staff. That's how far he's had to go to get guests. Howard said he just heard that Jimmy Kimmel's people just tried to book Jon Hein's daughter to do their show to talk about her whole Bat Mitzvah.
Robin brought up the Britney Spears story and how she was overheard saying that she didn't want her sister to be the only Spears on the front page of the papers and then tried to OD on some sleeping pills and booze. They talked about the Dr. Phil thing and how some people think that he could help Britney out. Howard doesn't get that at all.
Robin covered some stuff about the writer's strike and how it's already effecting the Golden Globe awards because everyone is boycotting that. Howard had to take a break around that time. After the break Howard came right back and had Robin get back into her news report. She brought up the Iowa Caucuses and how Hillary Clinton seems to had dropped off the radar out there. That got Howard talking about that for a short time and how it's not that big of a deal to have a female in office, other countries have had them and it's no big deal. He said that this country claims to be progressive but we seem to be afraid of putting a woman into office.
Howard said that Hillary is almost 60 years old now and she's barely a woman at this point so it shouldn't be an issue if she does get into office. He mentioned that there was a list of celebrities that look like the opposite sex as they age. Imus was listed as looking like a woman.
Howard said there was another list of celebrities who are most likely to die this year. Artie was number 5 on the list. He read through the list of names that were on the list with Artie and some of them didn't make a lot of sense.
Robin brought up a story about how thinner couples have hotter sex lives. Howard said ''Of course!'' when he heard that. Robin read the story and Artie said that he agrees with that. He said that he's been with some girls over the past 6 months and figures there's no way the girl could have gotten off on it. He'd be surprised if he's ever given a woman an orgasm. He wasn't even sure if he had ever given Dana one when he was with her.
Howard said he saw a picture of that Lee the Stalker guy in a picture with Artie and Artie was 100 pounds lighter and that Lee guy was 100 pounds heavier. Robin and Howard talked about how good looking Artie was when he was thinner. Artie said that he never got that from anyone when he was thin. He said he's very self conscious about his weight now when he has sex. He said that the jizz will get all caught up under the fold of his stomach when he has sex and it looks like a glacier or something. He said that he can't believe he just said that on radio. He went on to say that it's just gross down there.
Howard said that he thinks that one day Artie is just going to stop eating and start losing weight. He said he thinks that he knows how to do it and he will have to make that change eventually. Artie said that he's got some nice lighting in his bedroom that allows him to light the chick up perfectly and keep himself hidden from the chick. He said that he uses a lot of powder and in the past, when he was with Dana, he'd get off of her and she'd look like a mime.
Robin read through some more various stories. She was talking about some movies and stuff like that. She read one about GM coming up with a car that can drive itself. Howard liked that because he thinks that driving is too dangerous. They wrapped up a short time later, around 10:45am.
Artie said that he's spent a lot of money on extras for the house already. He said that his decorator and his mother have already been going through stuff and picking out tile and crap like that. He said that they picked out stone for the driveway and things like that. Gary gave him the right numbers and said that it was really a high number.
Gary said that as long as the house isn't done yet, you may as well go through and do it all now. He said that Jackie had a nice deck out on Long Island and didn't know how much it was going to cost him when he was telling the guy how long he wanted it to be. IT was like ten thousand for each step he counted off.
Artie said that he's got his house wired for everything, even things that don't exist except at NASA. He just said yes to everything. Gary said that he won't regret it though, he'll enjoy the house year round. Artie said that he can't wait for the closing so he can do down there and relax at the new place in the spring.
Gary said that Artie picked up the place when it was about 1/3 of the way done. That way he was able to modify it the way he wants.
Artie knew already that Ronnie had split from his wife. He didn't know about this new girl though. The guys talked about how many big mouths there are there on the show that wouldn't be able to keep their mouths shut about the relationship.
Jon played a clip from earlier in the show when Ronnie talked to Howard about this new ''friend'' that Ronnie had with him at the party. They talked about how young she is and how she was born in 1983. The guys all figured out how old they were in 1983 and what they were doing back at that point.
Benjy said that the ''friend'' was a very sweet girl. He wondered if Ronnie was sweating because of his wife finding out or the other friends finding out. The guys talked about how nice Ronnie's wife was and they're pretty sure he didn't want to flaunt that relationship on the show. Benjy wondered if Ronnie told his wife ahead of time. Gary said he's never seen Ronnie behave the way he did this morning. It was like he was neutered.
Artie said that if Ronnie didn't want people to find out about this girl, he could have done things to keep that from happening. He didn't have to show up to this party with her. Benjy told Artie that he's going to be blown away when he sees how hot this chick is.
Jon took a call from Chad the cop who asked if Ronnie is going through a mid life crisis. He also said that Ronnie tried to slip his number to Ivy at the cookie party. Ronnie came in around that time and said that he's known Ivy for a long time and he didn't do that.
Chad said that he's the one who has been in pictures with Ivy and said that he's been going out with her. Benjy said that he doesn't care and he's fine with that. Benjy also said that Chad is engaged to another woman so whatever. Chad said that he's just having fun out there.
Gary said that he got an email from Ivy saying that she's scared of Benjy because he has these night terrors and he'll wake up in the middle of the night, stand on the bed and yell ''I know who did it!'' Benjy said he didn't know he did that.
Artie said that Benjy once stayed over at Stuttering John's house and had those night terrors and scared the shit out of John's kids. He asked Benjy if he really has these things. Benjy said that he doesn't remember them all but he does think that he screams at night.
Jon asked Ronnie if he really thought that his date wasn't going to come up on the show. Ronnie said he could hear the buzz as soon as he got there. He knew that it was going to come out. Jon asked him why it was this occasion that he brought her. Ronnie said he didn't want to go alone so he brought her. He said that it wasn't his thing to just hang out with JD and Ralph.
Benjy asked Ronnie if he told his wife ahead of time. Ronnie said that he didn't want to get into that. He said he wouldn't tell anyone ahead of time. Gary said that this is going to come out on the air so maybe you do want to give a heads up. Ronnie said he didn't know until the last minute that he was going to bring this chick so he didn't have time to give a heads up.
Jon took a call from a guy who told Ronnie that they all knew that he was heading for a divorce with the amount of time he was spending at Scores. The guy asked what went wrong but Ronnie said it was none of his business and he wasn't going to answer that.
Artie asked to see a picture of this chick. Ronnie didn't have one but Gary said that they do have some in the office. Artie told Ronnie he wants to hang out with him now that he's getting young chicks. Ronnie said that he's asked to hang out with him many times so he could have done that in the past. Artie said that he wants to do that now that he's bird dogging young chicks.
Jon took another call from a guy who brought up the story about the cars that drive themselves and how Ronnie might loose his job. Ronnie said he was waiting for the jokes from Benjy about that but they never came. The caller said that Ronnie will always be needed for switching the petcock in the limo.
Another caller brought up Ronnie's separation and Ronnie said he doesn't know what will happen in the future, they're just legally separated at this point.
The guys brought in a picture of the chick that Ronnie brought to the party. Artie said she was really hot and she looked Brazilian to him. Ronnie said that she's actually Italian. Artie told him that he loves that look and the tan she had.
Another caller asked to meet Artie when he does his show in Upstate New York. Artie hooked the guy up with tickets and said that he could meet him there no problem.
The guys talked about Scott the Engineer and how miserable he looked at the Bat Mitzvah. Ronnie said that he can't figure out why he's so miserable. Then he said he could but didn't want to say what it was. Artie said that he can relate to Scott and he finds himself sitting at the foot of his bed weeping for no apparent reason. Gary said that if his father heard him saying that, he'd grab him by the back of the neck and tell him he's out of his mind because he's got a great life.
Ronnie asked Artie if he's ever thought about doing something to himself when he's sitting there weeping. Artie said that he could just run and jump off the terrace at his apartment. He said he does have thoughts like that, especially after the heroin thing when he was trying to get off that stuff. He said he's really not suicidal but he does get bummed out and weeps a little bit until he coughs and wonders what the hell else could go wrong.
Jon took another call from a guy who brought up Artie's depression and said that he may need to get out of his apartment and do something else. Artie said that this new house is a big deal and he thinks that things will be good with that.
Scott the Engineer came in and said that he was happy at that Bat Mitzvah and that's as happy as he gets. Gary said that Scott is just an observer and that's what he was doing at the party.
Jason was in and said that the first time they saw Artie sitting at a table eating all by himself they thought that it was kind of sad. They figured that he was doing something just like Scott would do. Artie said he could relate to Scott about the dog thing last week and he knows just how he was feeling. He said that he wouldn't care about the dog either and he really relates to that stuff.
Scott said that he can't drink that much when he goes out because he has to drive all the time. Jon said that he was asking Scott for his opinion on the whole DJ thing and asked him if everything was okay with that. That led to the guys goofing on Scott about his DJ days and what he might have sounded like in those days. Ronnie said that Scott had a video of himself that he sent out to clients that they have to show everyone there.
Gary told a story about Scott doing all kinds of lame stuff at a party they went to one time and know they didn't want him doing any of that at his wedding. They talked about that on the air and it turned out to be a great bit there.
Jon said that he had this guy from ESP do the DJ thing at his party and they brought some dancers which turned out to be a great thing to have. He wasn't so sure about it but the guy talked him into it and it worked out very well.
Artie said he knew of this guy who called himself Benny Buton and the Basta Chots that would go out and do stuff like that. He said that they actually had them at a party one time and they turned out great.
Ralph called in and said that it's not just about Scott being no fun, he just drains the energy out of the room like a black cloud. He said that he's just a real bummer. Jason said that he agrees with that. he's not doing anything wrong, but he does drain the energy. He's able to illustrate his own misery very well. Jon had to take a break around that time.
Gary said that he had a great experience years ago with Jury Duty. He said that he wanted to say terrible things to get out of it but it turned out there was a guy there who recognized him and helped him get out of it. He told JD that he should use Howard's name to get out of stuff like that. He said he should use Howard's name for two things, getting out of Jury Duty and getting laid. JD said that when you get out of it, you're out for like 8 years or something like that.
Jon asked JD about the sneakers he wore to his kid's Bat Mitzvah and if he put any thought into that. JD just laughed with that hoot he has. He said he was trying to have that Justin Timberlake look at the party. He said he had a good time there at the party and had fun playing Guitar Hero with Jason and some 10 year old kid.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they're not able to get high quality guests now that they're on satellite radio. Gary said that he doesn't think that's the case at all. There were many days at terrestrial radio where they didn't have good guests. They don't have a lot of people around right now and there's a writer's strike going on so no one is going out and doing shows.
Another caller said he wanted to talk about Ronnie and his date because he's a 62 year old guy who's married and has a 22 year old girlfriend. He said he's known her for 5 years now. He said that his wife even encouraged him to go out with this girl. After a short time he and this young woman were in bed together. He said that he's with the chick 2 or 3 times a week.
Jon moved on to the next caller who asked Benjy about how he claims he can get dates but then he asked Ivy to go to Jon's party with him. Benjy said that Jon didn't have room for Ivy and he couldn't bring her. He's still friendly with her.
A caller brought up how Sal is always claiming that he was going to school to be a radiologist but he was really going to be an X-ray technician, not a radiologist. He said that's like Dr. Phil calling himself a doctor when he's just got a PHD. Gary told the guy that was a good catch.
The guys talked about Britney Spears and how scary her life has become lately. Gary said that it seems like she might be heading down that Anna Nicole road.
Gary said that he always thought that Howard liked doing those shows because of some of the stuff he said during the History of Howard Stern special. He said he didn't know that Howard was so miserable doing those appearances. Gary said that Howard feels the pressure of trying to be that guy who entertains and that's why he has so much trouble.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the best way to get out of jury duty is to just throw the thing in the mail when the notice shows up in the mail. It's not something that's registered mail or anything. JD said that he got him there. He didn't just throw his in the garbage.
Gary said that they get jury notifications from voter registration and he knows a guy who has never voted because he doesn't want to go to jury duty. He's 46 and has never voted.
Jon took some more phone calls and one guy said that he wishes that they'd repeat the Wrap Up Show. He went on to say that he thinks that what Howard is doing to Letterman is the same thing that Seinfeld is doing to their show by not showing up on their show. The guys told him that Howard is doing letterman and it's not the same thing as the Seinfeld thing.
Ralph called in and said that people are stupid when they talk about stuff like that guy just said. He said that the guy sounded intelligent but he came off stupid when he said what he said. Jon tried to take another call but the guy hung up. Gary said the note said that he wanted to say that Ralph was a scumbag so that might be why he hung up.
Gary and Ralph talked about some of the stuff that was going on at Jon's party over the weekend. Jon went to some more phone calls after that and let some more people get in their questions and comments. One guy said that they don't replay the Wrap Up Show after every show. Jon said that they do play it after some of the shows through so it's not just this one play.
The guys talked about the jury duty thing again and Ralph said that he thinks that he'd actually enjoy doing something like that. He'd like to see how that whole process works. Gary said that Ralph has that three days to give up though, JD doesn't. He has a job to do while Ralph doesn't.
Richard Christy had apologized to Jon for the amount of money he gave to his daughter. Jon said he really didn't care. Richard said he went out and found a Bat Mitzvah card in a Duane Reade store and he was afraid that it was too religious or something. He said he never would have found a card out in Kansas. The guys had to wrap up the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about going home to watch this movie ''Mr. Brooks'' with Kevin Costner and Demi Moore in it. He said that he didn't even know that it was in the theater. He said he got a copy of it and kind of knew what it was about. He asked Beth if she wanted to see it and it turned out to be a great movie. He said he didn't have any idea it was going to be that good. Robin said she agreed and Kevin Costner was really good in it. Howard said that William Hurt was really good in it as well.
Howard said that the movie is about a guy who is a serial killer and a very successful business man. He has a wife and a daughter and he's a killer. It's really good and even Dane Cook is really good in the movie. Fred hadn't seen it yet and said that he wants to check it out. Howard said that he's been avoiding Kevin Costner movies lately but that one was really good.
Artie said that good scripts are hard to come by and someone like Costner must have grabbed it when he came across it. Robin said that it was probably a first time screen writer and the only way it was going to get made was having someone like Costner in the movie. They talked about some other movies like ''Fracture'' which were really good and didn't do well in the theaters.
Howard ended up talking about how there are a lot of articles about how he hates Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner because they're living in his building these days. He said he doesn't hate them, he just hates that the paparazzi are swarming his building these days because they're there. He said that he wanted to go out yesterday and he just wasn't ready to be photographed but these guys all snap away. He said that he doesn't like the way he looks but these guys insist on snapping the shots. He said he looks like a Gabby Hayes motherfucker when he's out there. Howard said they do weird things with his pictures when they put them on shows like Entertainment Tonight.
Howard said Beth asked him if he wants to do anything for his birthday but he really doesn't want to. He said that they're going to go out to dinner with the kids but that's about it. He said that all of his kids are in town so he'll get to see all of them.
Robin asked Howard if he would want to have a big blow out when his next big birthday comes up. He said he really doesn't want to. He said they used to do that in the past to have some good radio shows but when you get older you just don't want to do that stuff.
Howard played a clip of Artie talking about that from yesterday's Wrap Up Show and explaining how he finds himself weeping in his bedroom on the foot of his bed. Artie was talking about Scott the Engineer at the time and how he can relate to him.
Artie said that he gets really bummed out when he's on his way to the airport and going out to a show or something. Howard told him that he needs to take up chess because he won't have time to think if he's playing the game instead of sitting around thinking about how much his life sucks.
Howard said that Artie can't figure out what to do with his free time so that's why he gets bummed out. Artie said he's right and he really does need to find something to keep him busy when he's not working. Howard suggested that he get some pussy too. If he's not getting that it can really effect your day. Artie said that he's doing okay with that but he does get mad when he sees a hot chick and thinks that he should be fucking that.
Howard said he doesn't know how JD gets through the day. He doesn't get any pussy and he must be miserable. Artie said that JD has come out on the road with him lately and he and Teddy bothy have a great time hanging out. He doesn't get that. JD said that he's 28 years old and he hasn't gotten laid since he had the hooker out in Vegas. That was months ago. Howard asked him how often he's jerking off. JD said it's not every day. Howard said he was jerking off every day when he was 28 and he was married at the time.
JD said he has roommates and stuff so he can't do it that often. He really doesn't do it that often. He said that sometimes he will get in a couple of jerk offs in a day. Howard said that he used to think about that stuff all the time and he'd plan on doing it.
Howard said that Dr. Lou kept him from jerking off when he was his roommate in college. He actually turns 54 today so he wished him a Happy Birthday.
Artie said that he ran into the hot chick that JD used to room with. He said he was walking down the street and this hot chick, who was a 9, came up to him and told him she was a fan. He stopped and talked to her and found out she used to be JD's roommate. He said it had to be torture for JD. JD said that it was a friend's sister and she was totally hot. She had a boyfriend who was one of those Abercrombie and Fitch guys so he knew he didn't have a shot.
Gary said that there was a hot intern asking JD about one of the other guys there at the show and he got all pissed off when that happened. She was asking about Tim's assistant Jared. Howard asked JD if he hates good looking guys. JD said ''of course'' to that. Howard said that they're all animals and women pick their men based on looks and status. Howard heard that JD won't even talk to Jared because he's so good looking. JD said that he and Jared just have opposing personalities so he doesn't talk to him.
Howard said that JD doesn't have a personality and Jared does. JD said that Jared has been very arrogant toward him and he doesn't like him. He said it's not a big deal, he just thinks that Jared thinks he's being funny and he's not.
JD wasn't sure what Jared was doing to him one day but he goofed on him one too many times so he told him he was never going to speak to him again. He thinks that Jared was kidding when he said he didn't care but he never did talk to him again. That was a couple of months ago.
Howard said he wanted to get a screening of this movie ''Cloverfield'' that JJ Abrams is putting out. He said they wanted to send over a guard to watch over the copy of the movie so he could watch it so he had to turn that down. He said that they have to be kidding if they think that he's going to bootleg their movie. He said that they seem to feel that he's some kind of criminal mastermind who can bootleg movies. He joked that he doesn't have to direct or write movies, he just steals them. He jokingly said he has a connection where he sells it off to a connection to distributes them to the street vendors.
Artie said that he still has video cassettes that have his favorite porn clips on them. He doesn't know how to transfer them to DVD so he still has a VCR.
Howard said that having a guy watching over him to see this movie would be really creepy. He said he really wanted to see the movie but not that bad. He'll just wait for it to come out on DVD.
JD has jury duty today and now he's not sure if he's going to be able to fly out to Vegas with Artie. Artie told him that Vegas is the only place he can get laid so he has to go. Howard said that if JD tells them at the court that it's the only way he can get laid, maybe they'll let him out. Howard and the guys were goofing on JD doing impressions of him.
Artie said that the guys that got JD laid last time are setting up Bob Levy with an engagement party out in Vegas. That should be interesting.
Howard congratulated Steve on his mention but he didn't want to get into all of this other stuff he wanted to talk about so he let him go. He said he didn't know where he was going with that stuff.
Howard let Grillo go but ended up talking about him for a few more minutes. He talked about this Page Six story and what that was all about.
Howard changed subjects and said that he still thinks that Hillary Clinton is going to be the Democratic nominee even though the press is talking about how she almost broke down crying yesterday. Howard and Robin talked about that for a few minutes. Robin was saying that women get all worked up about Barack Obama these days. She was talking about that when Steve Grillo called back in. He wondered why Howard hung up on him. Howard told him that it was boring, that's why he hung up.
Steve said that he just wanted to get in a plug for the radio show that he does. He said its on HardRockRadioLive.com and he's on Friday nights from 10pm to Midnight. He kept talking over Howard and Robin on the phone so that was another problem. Robin said that Steve gets very nervous so that may be one problem. Howard let him go and went on to talk about how the Mary Jo thing isn't that big of a deal. She basically just said that she got upset that Amy Fisher has a sex tape out there.
Howard said there was no news there in that story. He's not sure how Grillo made it into Page Six. He said that he was done talking about it and that's why he had hung up on him. Artie said that one of the best moments of 2007 on that special they ran was the argument between Steve and Tracy. He quoted some of that argument and then Howard played some clips from that show. Tracy and Grillo were arguing on the Intern Show one night and Howard talked about it on the show and played some of those clips.
Howard said that those two should get married. They sound like an arguing married couple. Howard continued to play the audio and had Artie laughing. He loved that argument.
Howard played another clip from where Grillo explained how he had his volume turned down that day and he was upset that they turned down his volume during that argument. He said he was dumbfounded after hearing that. He went off on Tracy again during that interview. He called Tracy the C-word. Artie said that he almost used the wrong word when he was explaining what went on with her.
The guys spent some time talking about Grillo and what he did that day when he screwed over the interns and Tracy by not hooking them up with booze at the bar he was working at. Howard played more of the tape of him going off on Tracy and explaining what he thought happened.
Howard played a prank call the guys made using clips of Steve's rant against Tracy. They called a woman by the name of Tracy and had him going off on her. The woman had no idea who he was or why he was calling her.
In the clip Hillary was talking about how she doesn't want to see the country fall backwards and started to get choked up. She was talking about how important the election is and how they really need to make some changes. Robin said that this is as real as Hillary has been so far and she warmed up to her after seeing that. Howard said he felt the same way about it. He said that you can't come across as a princess, you have to be accessible to the public. He said that she gave a heartfelt speech and that's what happened when she did.
Howard said that he's really digging this Ron Paul guy. He said he didn't know much about him until just a few days ago. He said he watched an interview he was doing on some show and thought that he agreed with just about everything the guy said. Beth said the same thing after they watched him. He said that he just found out yesterday that he's the only one who stood up for them about the FCC when that was all going down. He said that he's all for abolishing the FCC. Robin heard that and said that she might just have to vote for Ron Paul. Howard said that the guy is very bright and he's making a lot of sense.
Howard said he's been getting a lot of mail about Ron Paul so he read through some of that stuff. Some people were asking for him to allow the guy on his show to talk about his views. Howard whipped through a bunch of e-mails and even a guy in Canada was trying to get Ron Paul elected. Howard said that it was weird that he agreed with everything the guy stands for.
Howard said that this guy Fred Thompson is humorless and he just can't see voting him in. He said he comes across as a really angry guy and he can't imagine having him in office. He said it's like having your father yelling at you when the guy is speaking. You have to be good on TV these days when you're in office. That might not make for the best guy in office but that's the way things go.
Howard said that if he had to vote between Giuliani and Obama he'd probably have to go for Giuliani. He said he has to look into Obama's stuff a little more.
Howard said he was happy to see that there are people out there bashing Dr. Phil after he did that yesterday. He said that Dr. Phil was criticized over what he did with the Britney Spears situation. Howard said that guy doesn't know right from wrong. He spent a minute on him and goofed on him.
Howard said that the woman isn't suing over plagiarism, she's suing over the comments that Jerry made on Letterman. Fred had the clip so he played it for the guys. In the clip Jerry was talking to Dave about the wackos who wait in the woodwork to try and ruin their lives. Jerry said that there are some people who spring out and go wacko on them. Jerry said that the woman accused his wife of stealing some of her ideas for mushed up carrots. Dave thought that was crazy and so did Jerry. Jerry and Dave talked about that for a few minutes and Jerry was really going off on this woman about her claims that she was ripped off. He said that she has three names and he was afraid that she was going to be one of those assassins like Mark David Chapman.
Howard said that Jerry really slammed the woman and there is some similarity in the book. He said that it wasn't just mushed up carrots. He said that he's not sure exactly how similar it was but Jerry really was harsh on her and he's not sure why she has to be ridiculed over that. He said that she wasn't even complaining about it in public.
Robin said that Roger Clemens is suing too. She said that he's trying to make it look like he was injected with something that he didn't know about. Dominic Barbara called in and said that Jerry compared that woman to mass murderers and that's where he went wrong. He may have been able to get away with it if he hadn't done that. You can make fun of people like that but not in that way.
Dominic was also talking about Roger Clemens and how he could get into big trouble if it turns out he lied to congress. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go a short time later.
Howard said that he wished that he had taken steroids when he was younger instead of using acid and things like that. He said that you get no benefit from the acid, at least if he had taken the steroids he would have had some kind of results. Artie said that he was involved with KC's intervention and one of the things they were afraid he was on was steroids, but he had no idea what that would look like.
Program Director Tim Sabean came in and said that they worked things out with Bubba yesterday. They had a misunderstanding about what's happening with the show and there was a lot of chaos going on there. Howard had no idea what he was talking about. Tim said that they're supposed to keep them up to date on what they're going to do with their show every day and they didn't do that so there was some confusion there. Tim said they have a meeting about the show and they didn't so there was some confusion about that. Tim said that he just asked them where they were at and what was going on and Brent may have gotten him all fired up.
Tim's story had a lot of holes in it so Artie pointed that out. Tim said that his job never ends. Gary asked Howard if he wanted to listen in to Bubba's show this morning. He said he would like to hear that but ended up talking about how tough it must be for Bubba going back to terrestrial radio after being on satellite for a couple of years.
Howard took some calls from some guys who heard Bubba yesterday. They said that Bubba flipped out and said that he wanted to renegotiate his deal there and maybe get out of it. Howard thought that he was going to hear Bubba's show but he got dead silence when he picked up the phone. Gary said he thought that they had it set up right, they were just listening to the show on hold. They played a ''Baba Booey'' clip after that.
Howard got Bubba's show on hold and Bubba was talking about how nervous he was knowing that Howard was listening to them. Howard said that he'd like to talk to them so he told Gary to make that happen. Bubba and Brent were talking about some stuff that they were going to be doing. Howard got Spice Boy on the phone and then asked to talk to Bubba.
Bubba put Howard on the line and Howard told him that he wishes him well and that's all he wanted to tell him. He went on to talk about how Bubba has to hold down two jobs like a Jamaican. He said Bubba has to do that because he needs some money and he had to take the second job to make that money. Bubba was talking about how tough it is to not curse and to do a show like that after having so much freedom. Artie said that he had to write himself a huge note that said ''Don't curse'' so he wouldn't do that on the air with Bubba.
Howard said that he knows how tough it's going to be for Bubba to keep himself under control. Bubba said he's very nervous talking to Howard on SIRIUS may just get him fined by their parent company. He said that the contract that he had with SIRIUS is so unfair that he may end up getting fined over this phone call. He said that he was told not to sign it and he thinks that he won't make it all the way through it. Howard said he feels good that Bubba is making a living with COX broadcasting but it's got to be tough to be doing two shows a day.
Howard asked Bubba if he's going to be able to sustain this schedule. Bubba said he thinks he can do it. He said they're having a gym built across the street and they'll be able to work out over there during the afternoon while they wait to do the show on SIRIUS.
Howard asked Bubba if he's finding it difficult to do this show without cursing. Bubba said they were only an hour and 18 minutes into it so far so it was hard to tell. Bubba said that he hopes to be with Howard for a long time and he wouldn't be where he is right now without him. Howard wished him luck and said that they're going to listen in once in a while to see how things are going.
Brent talked about how the government is holding up the merger and that's one of the problems that they have. if that would go through, they might be able to make a better deal there at SIRIUS. They ended up talking about Ron Paul a little bit after Brent mentioned that they're all supporting him. They were talking about that stuff but Bubba said that they were about to go live on TV. He had to let Howard go so they could do that. Howard told him to go do that.
Artie said something about Tony Romo rhyming with Homo and Howard said he's not sure that they can even say that on the station they're on. Tim said that Bubba was having problems with a lot of words like dildo and things like that. Howard said that he can't say stuff like that on terrestrial radio. They talked about how great it is to be on satellite and how much freedom they have to speak like normal people.
Howard asked Tim if he uses deodorant because he had a big wet spot under his arm. Tim said he does but that place makes him sweat. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's got a 15 year old daughter who weights 285 pounds. She said that she used to be fat herself but she's not anymore. She went on to say that her daughter chooses to over eat. She's been kind of chubby since she was a toddler. She said that she's morbidly obese now and she now has child protective services on her ass saying that she's doing something wrong. She said her daughter told people that she was encouraged to purge after eating.
Howard found that hard to believe that she'd tell her to purge after over eating. The woman said that she's lost 15 pounds in 4 months so it was helping. Robin said that's the wrong advice and she could be causing her child problems if she keeps doing that. She said that it can cause all kinds of problems. The woman said that she can't afford to get her daughter an operation and she can't afford to get her to therapy or anything like that. She said that she's been trying everything with her and she just can't help her out.
The woman said that she's not sure how often her daughter vomits but she figures that she does it fairly often. Now the child protective service is threatening to take her away from her and they could take the other three kids from her as well. Howard said that she is doing the wrong thing. Robin said there has to be something she can do other than having her daughter vomit up her food.
A caller asked the woman what she's feeding her kid that's making her that big. He said that she has to control her eating. The woman said that she's not forcing food into her mouth. She said that her daughter will just eat anything that she can. The caller said that they have to put a lock on the fridge or something then. The woman, Katie, said that she can't do that because she's got 3 other kids.
A woman called in and told the woman that Terri Schiavo went into a coma because of something similar to this. Katie said that they make sure that she's got the right electrolytes in her body and things like that. The other woman told her that she's going to have a lot of problems after vomiting and using cocaine might be safer than that.
Howard took another call from a woman who said that she took her daughter to a doctor who told them to just go to a nutritionist. She said that she has to keep the kid active and eating the right food. She said that her daughter is only 10 pounds overweight though. Katie said that her daughter is upset about her weight but she can't help the way she's eating. She said that the models in the magazines these days are purging too and she can't tell her any different.
Another caller said that this woman is a retard and she has to be able to control what her kid eats. Katie said that she doesn't keep junk food in her house. She said that if she has fresh potatoes, her daughter will whip up the mashed potatoes and eat them all. Katie said that she takes her daughter out to walk and does keep her active, she just can't control her eating.
Robin said that there has to be something that she can do other than what she's doing. Another caller suggested that this woman let her daughter date, that seemed to help Robin slim down because she lost a ton when she started dating Jim Florentine. Katie said that it's not that easy though.
Another caller said that he's 22 years old and weighs over 400 pounds so she has to get this kid under control or she'll end up like him.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that this throwing up is going to kill her. Jessica said that's what happened to her mom. She told her to go out and get her some fun exercise clothes and dress her up so she can get motivated to do this stuff. Katie said that they got a really cute dog and she has to go out and walk it. Jessica told her that she has to take care of herself first.
Irish John called in and said that she should let the state take her away, that way she'll save a ton of money on food. The woman said that he's the type of person who is going to make her life miserable.
Howard told the woman to get that girl out and moving and limit her food intake. Another caller said that they do need some chubby porn chicks so maybe this girl can grow up to do that. Howard let Katie go a short time later and said that she's a very disturbed woman.
Lisa said that she spoke to the director of the movie ''Teeth'' that Howard was talking about yesterday. She said that he's related to the famous artist Liechtenstein. Howard said he really liked the movie. He liked that and the ''Mr. Brooks'' movie.
Lisa also said she spoke to Dr. Keith Ablow about Dr. Phil and he agrees with Howard about what he was saying about him. She also talked to him about Ronnie the Limo Driver's split from his wife.
Lisa said that there was a mention of Howard's show in an article in the NY Times this weekend. Howard said he meant to read that yesterday but he didn't get to it until now. He quickly talked about that and then let Lisa go.
The caller said that Howard's friend Ross was the one who got the whole thing started. His name was mentioned in the Enquirer article that she was reading. It turns out this woman that Booker is dating ended up hitting a cop. Howard said that Ross and his wife went out with Booker. They were in a cab driving to dinner and he gets upset with a police car that was keeping them from getting to dinner. Gary said that Ross doesn't want to talk about it because he's all over the Philly news about this whole thing.
Gary said that Ross had gotten out of the car and asked them to move a little faster. It turned out to be an unmarked police car and there were some words exchanged and Booker's woman ended up doing something and they had some kind of altercation. He doesn't know all of the details though. There was something about her telling them that she was a reporter and started taking pictures. One of the cops saw her moving toward them and she ended up doing something about it.
Booker's girlfriend lost her job because of the altercation. It turns out this wasn't the first thing that she had done and there were a couple of other incidents that led to her firing. They talked about the guy that she used to date who works there in New York on a station there. Gary said he thought that this guy Chris Wragge was gay but it turns out he was married to Victoria Silvstedt and dated this woman that Booker is seeing now.
The guys were throwing out all kinds of details about this story. Howard said that this is great for Booker because he usually can't get any press. The woman on the phone said they should hire that chick to work for Howard 100 News. Howard said that they should do that, if they only had a budget.
Howard said that this might have been kind of dumb for them to fire this woman. He thinks that they should keep her in the news and they could probably get big ratings if they kept her on.
Howard said he saw Ross the other night and he told him that he learned his lesson after that whole thing. Gary said that Ross is humiliated by the whole thing. Gary said that he knows better than to get out of a car and say anything to anyone. He wouldn't dare do anything like that.
Howard doesn't get the whole club thing and why Ross would be out at 2 in the morning doing something like that. He's got a hot wife and he should be at home banging her instead. A phone caller pointed out that Ross is the same guy who cheated at the cookie party and brought store bought cookies and pawned them off as his own.
Howard said that cops have to deal with so much shit. He said he feels so bad for them. He had a clip from the show COPS where they have a woman getting all upset about her man getting arrested. In the clip the cop is telling a guy why he's in handcuffs and his woman is yelling at him about it. They had to handcuff her and put her in the police car as well. She proceeded to bang her head inside the car.
Howard said that they should have killed her off or something like that. Joey said they didn't want to kill off a big character like that. He said that they used the character Mefisto to go to Spider-Man and threaten to take away his Aunt May or take away his love that he has for his wife. The wife makes the deal and tells Peter to take it. Their memories were wiped out from their minds, it wasn't just a dream that Peter had. Howard said that he guesses that the story works. Joey said that they have more to come with that whole story and that stuff will come in the future.
Howard said he knows Joey and he's a good guy. He's really dedicated to these comic books. Joey said that they get a backlash about everything they do over there but that just shows how passionate the readers are.
Jason came in and told Joey to just kill off Aunt May because she's useless. Joey said that she's an important part of the mix and they can't get rid of her. Howard thanked Joey for calling in and let him go a short time later. Howard said he didn't want to spend too much time on that because he'd be getting backlash from his fans if he did that.
Artie said that he likes comic books but there's so much detail there. Howard said that he gets a lot of e-mail from Joey and he's got a lot of information in them. He said that the guy is very passionate about his job. Artie said that's the kind of guy you need for a job like that.
Howard said that poor Bubba can't even shock their pussies now. Gary said that they were talking to reporters so that probably wouldn't happen even if they were on SIRIUS. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard played some clips from John the Stutterer's show that aired last night on Howard 101. John was talking politics and stuttering up a storm. He said he can imagine someone tuning in for the first time after getting their new radio for Christmas and hearing some guy stuttering like crazy.
Howard played more of John's comments where he was trying to get out some stuff about Barack Obama and had a real tough time getting anything out. Fred ended up doing his impression of John winding up and finally spitting out some words. Howard said it sounded like starting up a car. Artie said that he fears for Fred's life when he does those impressions because he looks like he's going to pass out.
Howard said that John has people call in and try to get him riled up about Ann Coulter and things like that as well. He said he had a lot of other stuff to get to this morning so he wanted to move on to that.
Howard said that Blue Iris was in the hospital again and she's apparently writing a new movie or something. He played the clip where Iris left the message for Richard and talked about how she had a severe asthma attack and couldn't breathe. She said her throat closed up and she had a real big problem with that.
Howard played another voice mail where a guy went off on Robin about some of the stuff she does on the show. Then he played another Crazy Alice voice mail where she went off on Robin about her dating Jim Florentine. She thinks that Robin is a lesbian and told her to get away from him. She also went off on Robin about her cell phone ringing on the air. Robin said it was only twice.
Howard played another Crazy Alice clip where she went off on the guys about their dogs and paying ridiculous amounts of money for them. Alice said that it's just ''a fuckin' dog people!'' She said that she wouldn't pay 10 grand to fix the dog. She told Scott the Engineer to just get rid of that thing.
Howard said that Blue Iris is always calling in talking about getting sick. He said he doesn't play half of her stuff. He played another one of her messages where she was talking about her operation she had coming up when Robin's phone started to ring again! Howard told her to turn the thing off, she has to know how to do that. Robin picked up and it turned out to be Ralph calling just to make it ring during the show again. She said that he's such an asshole. Howard told him to keep calling until she learns how to turn it off. Robin said she knows how to turn it off and she just did.
Howard got back to the Blue Iris message where she's talking about how her feet are swollen and she can't urinate. Howard said that's like the new ''I've fallen and I can't get up'' thing. They had some fun with that for a few seconds before finishing up Blue Iris' voice mail.
In the clip Pat says that God said last year that there was going to be a nuclear attack so some people must have prayed and it saved them. Howard wondered if they have to pray to get that stuff to stop happening. He said it wasn't good enough that he just scared the shit out of us with his threats. Howard continued to play the clip where Pat talks about how the nuclear attack is still going to happen and there's going to be a recession there in the United States. He gives all kinds of updates on the prices of gold, oil and the stock market. God sure knows a lot about that stuff.
Howard said that it's weird that 99 percent of people who talk to god are in mental institutions but this guy is on TV. Pat said that he knows some information that he can't give out to people because he knows who is going to be a winner.
Howard said that it seems like there's a lot of negative stuff heading our way thanks to God. He said that there's really not much difference between this guy and Riley Martin. Artie said that the difference is that Riley is entertaining.
Howard took a call from Scott Ferrall who said that his sister worked with Pat Robertson for 15 years. He said that he didn't like his sister when he was a kid but she really got brainwashed by them when she was there. He said that she went out and got married, had some kids and had a wacko husband. He said that he didn't want to say anything bad about his sister but he didn't have a problem doing that about Pat.
Howard asked Scott if he still talks to his sister. He said he doesn't, but he still loves her. He said that he lost her along the way. He said that his father and sister were very Christian while he was a rock and roll loving guy. He said that she'd come home and preach all of this weird stuff. He said that she just wanted to be a news woman and she ended up doing it for Pat Robertson's CVN network.
Scott said that his sister was beyond a Jesus freak. She turned into one of those bizarre people who tries to save everyone. It was complete wacko stuff to him. He said that she married a guy who was a wacko as well. Scott said that he just wanted her to stay away from him so he hasn't seen her for a long time now. He said tat his father is only allowed to see his kid once a year and his sister has never seen her.
Scott said that his family thinks that he's going to hell because of his radio show. He said that he does have Satan call in once a week on his show and that guy controls the whole sports world. Howard let Scott go a short time later.
Artie said that Scott's show is amazing and he got some tips from him and they paid off. He said his show is very entertaining.
Howard got back to the Pat Robertson thing and one caller said that it's funny how Pat talks about financial stuff with God and not so much spiritual stuff. Howard said that there's so much bullshit in this world, he should have gone out and done stuff like that to make money.
Howard asked Artie what celebrity chick he'd like to bang right now. Artie said he used to say Jessica Alba but she's pregnant now. He said that Jason found some shots of Jennifer Aniston showing off her ass and she looked great. Howard said she's got a sour puss on her face and doesn't seem like a fun person. He said she looks pissed off all the time. Artie said that Jessica Alba's ass shot was amazing.
Howard asked Fred who he'd like to bang. He said that he'd go with Angelina Jolie or maybe Scarlett Johansen. He said that she doesn't look that hot without make up though. The guys showed Howard the shot of Jessica Alba's ass that Artie was talking about. Howard said he might have to change his mind. He said that was some ass. Artie said that it was an amazing ass.
Artie also brought up the chick from the Transformers movie, Megan Fox, who he and Howard both find hot. Howard said that she's not so hot now that he knows that she's engaged to Brian Austin Green. He said that knocked her down a notch.
Howard said he knew there was something going on there. He said ''Oy vey, my poor Eric...'' and said he was trying to be compassionate. Artie said that you have to be a real asshole to have people hate you when you have an affliction like that.
Howard asked Eric what he did out there at the comedy show. Eric said he met Gary the Retard, the Iron Sheik and KC at the show. He said he got to hang out with KC after the show. Robin asked him what he did with KC. He said there were about 11 of them who went out to eat after the show. Howard said that Eric is a little bit of a bore with this story.
Ralph called in and said that he thought that they were replaying yesterday's show when he heard this call this morning. He went on to goof on Eric doing an impression of him. Artie said that if he were him, he wouldn't want to hang out with KC because he's the complete opposite of him.
Howard said he's going to write down everything that Eric says and do that on Letterman. That will be the last time Letterman will ever have him on.
Eric said that he singed some autographs and hung out with the fans at the show. Howard saw that there was a scroll on Eric's web cam that read ''shut the fuck up Ralph'' so he asked if he does that himself. Eric said that's his technical people who do that for him.
Howard was going to let Eric go but he said he wasn't done yet. Howard asked him to show them his room with the web cam but Eric said that he didn't want to do that. They asked him to do something interesting but he refused. Robin didn't hear him say that he was in his bedroom so he went off on her when she asked again. Artie wanted to see his PJ pants that were epoxyed to his cock. Eric said that none of those requests were going to happen.
Howard asked Eric to smile after Artie said that his teeth are a mess. Eric refused to do anything they asked him to. He said that they should check his dental records if they want to see them. Eric refused to do anything and said he just wanted to finish what he started doing. Howard asked him to smile but Eric kept saying ''NO!'' to everything they asked him to do. Artie told him to maybe wash his face because of all of those zits on there. He said he might want to rethink having a web cam on him. He said that they're picking him apart in every way they can now that they see him on cam.
Howard asked Eric to stop with the special effects they were putting on Eric. Eric said that he wasn't doing that, it was his technical people doing that. Howard asked him about the red spot on his face and where that came from. Ralph said it was probably from the guy in his bed. Eric said he doesn't have any guy in his bed.
Howard asked to see the bed again but Eric said that it was dirty and unmade so he didn't want to show it. The guys figured that he had jerked off in it and that's why he wasn't going to show it. Howard begged him to show the bed but he was very belligerent and refused to do it. Howard said that no one makes their bed, it's not that big of a deal.
Artie asked if the bed was stained with shit or something. Eric said it wasn't, he just doesn't want to show it. Howard said there must be something weird near the bed or something that he doesn't want to show. He said that there's something he doesn't want them to see over there. Artie said there's probably a half way eaten mail man laying there. Howard wanted Eric to prove that he didn't have anything there but Eric kept refusing. They put Bong Hit Eric up on his web cam screen but no one was interested in seeing that. Howard had Eric take off his glasses so he could see what he looks like with them off. Eric actually did that. Artie told him to put them back on after he saw him like that.
Howard said he wishes that Eric would show off more of his room for them. Howard said that the pimples on his face seem to be coagulating there in the middle. He was all red in the center there but Eric said they weren't pimples.
Howard asked Eric if he dyes his hair. Eric paused and said ''why do you ask?'' Howard took that as a yes and asked why he does that. Eric said that they have a family problem and they go grey early. Howard said that he knows he must want to look younger but that color, an unnatural reddish brown, wasn't the right color for him. Eric said that his mother helps him do the coloring. Howard said he might be able to get him a professional to help him out. Robin said they can help him out with his eyebrows as well.
Howard let Eric get in a plug for the JFSC.tv web site where he appears. He said he goes to bed later on this morning but he'll be back on after 3. He said that he may get on and chat with Kendra, his new hot blonde friend on Stickam.com. Howard said he loves Eric and he hopes that he can move that camera around sometime.
Howard said that God couldn't have shit on someone worse than he did with Eric. He said they should ask Pat Robertson about why God did that to him. Eric said that the hair color he has is his natural color, that's what color it was when he was younger. Eric thanked Bob Levy and Cleanbox Entertainment for letting him go to those comedy shows. Howard let Eric go after that.
Ralph said that he thinks that Jessica Biel is the hottest chick out there right now. that's what he had called in for earlier. They had to go to break after that
Howard played the rant that Mike went on where he's talking about Dr. Phil and the things that they were talking about yesterday. Mike's sister graduated there and he thinks that the rest of them forget where they went to school. Howard said that it wasn't about that, he said that they don't claim to be doctors or try to help people like Dr. Phil does.
In the clip Mike is going off on Gary for going to Adelphi and goofing on Robin about the school she went to. Mike got some info wrong in his report. He went off on Artie for going to the Connecticut School of Broadcasting. He even went off on Boston University even though that's a second tier school. Howard said that it might be third at the worst. He said he knows he's stupid but he's not calling himself a doctor either.
Howard said that Mike Missed the point there. He had Steve Langford come in after that. Steve said that they're working on a story about this guy Steve North who discovered Gary at WLIR on Long Island. Steve said that they're going to have more on that story today. That guy has a poster that Gary signed back when he was an intern there.
Steve said that Artie was brought on the show 10 years ago today with Norm MacDonald. It's his 10th anniversary of appearing on the show. Artie couldn't believe it had been that long. Howard said that Artie came in and tore it up that first time he was on.
Steve said they have a story about High Pitch Eric who was allegedly stalking a woman and he's been asked to turn himself into the police. He said that he's been leaving some voice mail messages for this woman. They played some of them on the news yesterday. Steve said they're going to stay on top of that story and give details on Howard 100 News as they come out.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said that they'll be talking about Bubba's terrestrial radio show and what they talked about with him this morning. Howard tuned in to hear what Bubba was up to at the time. He was playing music so Howard said that's what he'd do if he were on terrestrial radio. Bubba was playing The Cult's ''Fire Woman'' which was their biggest hit. The guys spent a minute talking about that song and how a lot of people don't really know their music.
Howard wondered how many songs Bubba had been playing. Robin said that maybe they have to play music over there. Howard said that's what they should do. Bubba came back on a short time later and started talking college football so Howard bailed out. He thought that Bubba was doing a bit of a Top 40 radio guy voice on that show. He said he doesn't do that there on Howard 101. Howard and Artie started doing their Bubba impressions for a few seconds after that.
Jon got back to his rundown and talked about the woman who called in about her daughter's weight problem. They'll talk about that, Eric the Midget's dyed hair and a lot of other stuff. Artie said that Jon seems to be doing a different thing with his Wrap Up Show preview and gives a rapid fire thing with the subjects they'll be covering. He said he likes that.
Robin got into her news and read a story about the Golden Globes. Howard said that her breasts are just as grand as they were 10 years ago. She said she wasn't talking about her boobs, she was talking about the awards show. She had Howard play some clips and talked about the different format they're going to have this year. They're not going to have any celebrities there though because they're boycotting it while the writer's strike is going on. They talked about that story for a short time.
Robin played a clip of Daniel Day Lewis making a speech. That led to Howard talking about how great he was in My Left Foot and how he really thought that would be a great part for himself. He said he could do a great job in a part like that and he's putting the word out that he'd be up for something like that.
Robin also brought up David Letterman's show and how he shaved his beard last night on his show. She played a clip from the show where he was about to get it done and sounded like he was hitting on the woman who was about to shave it off. Howard said he was supposed to be on for that show but he postponed it until next week.
Robin said that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert got back to work last night too and they're getting bashed by some reporters. Howard wondered how they got their shows back on with no writers. Howard said he likes reading negative stuff about those two because they are such media darlings.
Howard played a clip of Jon Stewart doing his show and getting laughs for nothing funny. Colbert opened his show without much of anything to say. Artie said that Colbert is very funny but Howard was saying that he doesn't get either one of those shows. Howard figures that they're going to have to resort to naked chicks and retards now that they don't have any writers.
Robin read a story about how McDonalds is getting into the coffee business and will be trying to take over that part of the food industry. Howard said that they should stick with just burgers, fries and shakes like they started out with. He said he doesn't want a diner, he wants McDonalds. He said he does love diners though because they have every meal covered at all times of the day. He's not sure how they know how much food to buy every day to make that happen. He said it's the greatest thing about America. Artie said that he thought that Denny's was like a diner but he found out the hard way that you can't get breakfast at dinner time.
Robin brought up a story about the New Hampshire primaries and that led to Artie goofing on the name of the town they were held in, Dixville. Artie was doing his Butt-Head impression and that led to him asking the guys about the names of the bands that are on their t-shirts. Howard said that it was Metallica and AC/DC. He said that they should really bring that show back. He said he talked to Mike Judge about that and MTV just wouldn't pay him. He said that was a great show. Artie said that Mike is now rich off of that King of the Hill show he does over at FOX. He remembered that Mike had done a 40th birthday clip for Howard and he wondered if they had that to play. Gary said he was going to look it up. While he e was doing that Robin got back to her ''Dixville'' thing and talked about the primary.
Robin brought up a story about the state of New Jersey giving an apology for slavery. Howard said he did that a couple of years ago and even sent out cards to individuals. He had to go to break a short time later.
Robin got back to her news and talked more about the New Hampshire primary. Her phone started to ring again so she ended up pulling the battery out of it. Then it started to ring again but it turned out to be Fred playing a clip of it ringing and had her fooled. Artie said that was like heroin to Fred being able to fool her like that.
Trump was on the line so Howard spent a few minutes talking to him about the new Apprentice show and then about this Nicolas Sarkozy guy leaving his wife for this Carla Bruni. In the story it said that Bruni had broken up Donald and Marla Maples. Trump wanted to say ''no comment'' to that. He didn't want to cause any problems. Howard asked Trump if she wasn't that hot. Trump said that there are better, by large margins, out there that are hotter. He said that he does know her but he doesn't want to comment on that. He said he didn't want to talk about how she was in bed but Howard really wanted to know.
Trump said that he didn't want to have any issues with France by saying something out of line. He said that he didn't want to make him anti-United States by saying something. Howard asked Trump what turned him off to her but Trump said he really can't comment on that. He said he wants to have a wonderful relationship with France and he'd like to be able to build there.
Howard didn't think that would cause problems with them if he said something. It wouldn't leave this show. Artie told Trump he should tear down that Eiffel Tower and build a casino there. Howard kept asking about the Bruni chick but Trump refused to say anything about her.
Howard heard that he's trying to get the Tavern on the Green restaurant. Trump said he'll see what happens because the place deserves to be fixed up better than it is now. He said there are some other people competing trying to get the place. He said that he's doing a great job with the Wolman Rink and he thinks he can do the same with Tavern on the Green.
Howard said that he really would like to know more about this Bruni woman but Trump said that this guy Sarkozy actually likes the United States and that's a rare thing these days. He really doesn't want to screw that up. Howard asked Trump if Bruni had a bad smell. Trump said ''no comment'' to that so Howard took that as a maybe. He asked if she's flat chested. Trump tried to change subjects and asked when Howard is going to get married. Howard said that they're looking to do that this fall. Trump said that he'd like to be there and hopes he's invited.
Trump asked Howard if he's going to have a pre-nuptial agreement. Howard said of course they will. Trump said that he feels bad for Paul McCartney really blew it by not having one himself. He said he didn't get that whole deal from day one. Trump said he had to get running after that so Howard let him go.
Will came in after that and showed Howard a picture of Carla Bruni naked. Howard said that she really is hot. She's not flat chested either like Trump was making it sound. They spent a short time talking about that before Robin got back to her news.
Robin got into a few more news stories, including one about Michael Vick who is serving time for his drug problems and dog fighting. She also talked about Roger Clemens and got Artie in on that conversation. That all led to Artie doing his impression of Ed Torian the lie detector guy for a few minutes as if he were interviewing Clemens.
Robin read a story about some Iranian war ships taunting the U.S. warships. The U.S. ships had turned their guns toward them when the other ships turned around and left. She had some audio clips to play regarding that story. Robin went through some more stories and had one about bringing back lethal injection. She also had a story about Elisabeth Hasselbeck returning to The View. They spent a short time playing some clips from that show.
Robin wrapped up her news and Artie got in some plugs for his upcoming gig at The Turning Stone casino. He's going to be at a few other places over the next month or so and then he's taking a break for a while. Howard wrapped up the show around 10:45am.
JD called in a short time later from the court where he was waiting for them to call his name. He said there was a lot of waiting and staring going on down there. He had to make them hold on a second while he listened in trying to hear his case be called. Gary asked him what he's doing. JD said he's just standing there. He didn't bring a book or a magazine or anything. JD said he forgot that stuff down there in his office.
Jon asked JD about his problems with Tim's assistant Jared. JD didn't have much to say about that. Teddy said he heard that JD was recognized down there at the court. JD said there is a guy there who says he's a big fan. Gary asked him about the Jared thing and tried to get more out of him about that. He didn't have a lot to say about the relationship though. Jon didn't know that he had such a heated relationship with the guy.
JD said that he doesn't have anything in common with the guy and he has nothing to talk to him about. Gary said they'll have to talk to him more when he's not standing in a corner in a court. Gary said that he'd have all kinds of stuff to keep him busy there.
Jon said that Jared had made a comment about JD on their fantasy football league board and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Jared came in a short time later and said that JD doesn't like him because of that post. It all boils down to that one comment. He said that they had some trash talking going on and they were all throwing out stuff about everyone. Jared said that he said something about JD's team being horrible and telling him to just do his job and now he won't talk to him.
Jarred said that he's tried to hook up JD with a really hot girl there and he wants nothing to do with it. He said that he gave her phone number to JD and he's tried to help him out but all he gets is BS. He said that the guy just hates him for no apparent reason. Gary said he heard that JD thinks he comes across as kind of arrogant and has a swagger that he doesn't like. Jared doesn't know why that is.
Jarred said that he's tried to give JD some advice about how to talk to the interns there and not talk so mean to them. He doesn't want his help. Gary said that JD likes chicks until they hate him and then he hates them back.
Artie said that he doesn't think that Jared is a problem, he's a nice guy. He said that JD is an extraordinary case of self loathing and disgust and he just can't get out of it. He's tried to teach him things out on the road that he's learned over the years. He said he hasn't been able to figure that all out yet. He needs to delve into his personality a little more and figure out how to get laid.
Jarred said that he went up to JD one day and asked to move past this but he just said that he wanted to keep this a professional relationship. Jared said that JD didn't ask him to ask this girl out for him, he just did it as a favor. He said that JD used to get pissed that he'd go out to lunch with her so he invited JD along with them and JD told him to fuck off.
Teddy said that JD thinks that Jared and Nicole were playing a joke on him, that's why he didn't want to go out with them. Jared said that he's hung out with some really hot chicks and JD just mumbles stuff under his breath when he's around them. Gary said JD just doesn't know how to talk to people, that's his problem.
Artie said that people do change and JD could change if he could just get past that problem he has talking to people. Benjy doesn't think that he can get out of that because his personality is pretty much set at this point. Jon said that JD doesn't like to talk to people in general.
Artie said he doesn't like to talk to women, they're different people than guys and he just can't do it. Shuli came in and said that he was doing a show at Caroline's and told the woman there that this guy Jared was going to be really cute. She told him he was right after she met him that night. Shuli said he told her that all of the gay ones are...
Artie said that there's a great episode of Seinfeld about doing really good in front of a chick at a comedy club. He said that if you kill, it's a great afrodesiac. If you bomb it's the worst, so you have to invite a chick to a show you're pretty sure you're going to kill at.
A caller asked Jared if he could set him up on a date with that Nicole chick. They all spent some time talking about her and how Jared had tried to hook JD up with her, just for lunch. He said he wasn't trying to get him laid, he just wanted to get him out to lunch with her.
Artie said that JD is just exaggerating a little bit about Jared and the audience shouldn't give him a hard time.
Shuli asked Gary what the craziest thing was that they had to bleep out of the show. Gary talked about a jingle they did one time that they had to cut out after Tom pulled it. He said that was kind of ridiculous. He also talked about the meetings that he and Tim Chiusano had to go through and how they'd go back and forth talking about whether or not they could play it or cut out a certain number of penis references.
Artie said that he used to have a problem with the term ''taking a dump'' on the air and he would always say that instead of ''make a doody.'' Gary said that the pedophile jokes were things that they had to cut out too. He wasn't able to remember a specific thing that he was thinking about. They were talking about some of KC's pedophile jokes and how Tom would come running down to tell them to stop.
Gary said that Gilbert (Gottfried) was a guest that would cause problems all the time back then. Adam Carolla was another one who would tell stories and say ''whacking off'' a bunch of times so he'd have to pull him out and ask him to stop with that stuff. Adam would go back in and make up other stuff that would just drive Tom nuts. it was the repetition stuff that really got to Tom.
Benjy said that they were going to make up something where they were going to have a special feed go to Tom's office only and just push stuff as far as they could and drive Tom nuts. They were never able to make it happen though. They came up with that stuff at their Thursday meetings back then.
Jon played a clip of Howard talking to Bubba about his new show and the gym they're building across the street from their studio. That led to Jon asking Gary if he thinks that Bubba will be able to keep up that schedule. Gary said it's going to be tough and those hours in the afternoon when they're just hanging out are going to be the toughest. Bubba and the crew are going to be hanging out for a long time. Artie said that he gives them two weeks and thinks that they've heard the last from Bubba now.
The caller said that he specializes in Southern food and he could probably help him out with that stuff. Artie said he'll take his number and talk to him about that. Jon put him on hold and asked him to leave his number with Steve and he'd give it to Teddy.
Jon asked Artie how many of these offers he gets. Artie said he gets that kind of stuff from a lot of people. Shuli said there was a guy back stage at a show recently who got the operation on his stomach. Gary said that they know some people who have had that operation and have actually eaten past it. He said that he and Artie wanted to start a new game called ''Beat the Band'' where they'd get the operation and try to beat it.
Gary asked Artie if he's still getting his media room done by that show that offered it to him. He said that the room wasn't ready to be done when they wanted to shoot it and now it may not work out because of the timing.
Gary asked JD about the Jared thing again and what he thought about that date that Jared tried to set him up on with Nicole. JD said that she would never be into him and everyone knows that. JD said a bunch of ''whatever'' comments while he was trying to explain all of that.
Jarred came back in and said that JD thinks that he's being an ass or something but he's really just trying to help him out. JD said that he did think that Jared was trying to be an ass to him and that's the way he took it all. They spent a couple more minutes on that and then had to go to break.
Jon also mentioned that Gary got Donald Trump on the phone late in the show. Gary said that it's easy to get him on the phone because he knows Trump's assistant and she's a sweetheart. He said that it's no problem for him to make that happen.
Jon brought up the Steve Grillo calls they got this morning. Gary didn't know what to say about that. He said that Steve was a great guy and worked there for a long time. He said that he reminds him of these people who were on Survivor who wonder what to do when they're voted off. Grillo doesn't know how to keep himself in show business even though he wants to be in it so bad. He said that Steve was just a year and a half from being a licensed electrician and he blew it when he quit and gave up on that job.
Gary said that Steve started out as an intern there and he used to get Howard his breakfast and used to do a great job at what he was doing. He doesn't know if he would have been able to stick with them the whole time. Shuli said that the movie industry sucked him in and seemed to change him.
Benjy said that when Steve left KC started. He wondered if KC had signed on for Grillo's job. Gary said he didn't, KC was hired to be a producer and Steve may not have been ready for that.
Bong Hit Eric called in and said he found it funny that guys like Ralph, Artie and Howard were making fun of someone's look when they're not that good looking. Gary said that the thing that drives him nuts is that Eric has this sense of entitlement, like he deserves time on the air to talk about going to those comedy shows.
Jon took a call from Wheels who asked about the Ross thing that they discussed this morning. Gary said that Ross is aware of it and he knows that he did something that wasn't too bright. He said he's trying to fix it and he's embarrassed by the whole thing. Wheels said that people get shot doing stuff like that.
Another caller said that Eric the Midget looks like the trolls in the Harry Potter movies. Shuli said he looks like a cross between a troll and the little dude in ''Willow.''
Benjy said that he thought he got the story from that guy Joey who called in but the guy on the phone, Sirus, said he didn't have it quite right. Jon thanked him for his call and asked the guys if they're into that comic book stuff. No one else in the studio was really into them.
Sal said he used to read Ghost Rider but he did that so he could get to those novelty ads so he could buy stuff. He said that he got the X-ray specs and he was very crushed when he got them and found out that they weren't real. He suggested that no one buy those things because they are such a let down.
Richard said he used to read Richie Rich comic books and things like that. He never got into the Super Hero comic books. Gary said he never really did either, he used to read MAD Magazine and things like that.
Benjy said there was a whole regulation of comic books back in the 50s and they started to keep them out of kid's hands for a while.
Jon took a call from a guy who thinks that Ron Paul is being censored and not mentioned when he's making these appearances. He thinks that they press is keeping him out of the running. Benjy said that he's a big fan of his and he's been that way for a long time. Benjy said that he gets a lot of mail about that guy and about the 2 girls 1 cup thing that's been going around the web. Gary said he just heard about that recently and he's been seeing the reactions of people watching it so he had to see it. He said that he started to watch it but he started to gag and he had to stop it.
Gary explained what this 2 girls 1 cup thing is. He said that this girl shits into a cup and they start to eat it. He moved ahead from there and one of the chicks starts to puke and they start to eat that. Shuli said he watched about 3 seconds of it and stopped it and someone started to say ''later on... '' and he couldn't believe there was more to it.
Sal had to throw in a racist joke about blacks never killing off their kids because you see them running around the country all the time. Everyone saw that coming a mile away. Sal told the guys that he's not even sure if he's ever voted or if he's even registered. He said that he doesn't think that he's ever voted before. He said he's very proud of Obama and it's quite an accomplishment for him to be where he is.
Richard said that Sal changed his tune about Obama because he called Obama a name when they were out to lunch with Tim Sabean one day. He'd called him a shine. Sal said he did that because Tim was so uptight about the racist humor that he does and he was just making him more uncomfortable.
The guys asked Sal some more questions about who's running for the Republican party and Democratic parties. Gary said he wasn't sure if they should register him or sterilize him after hearing his answers. Jon asked Richard if he votes. He said that he does but he has to study up on the issues and stuff. He said he heard that Obama's mother was from Kansas so he might have to vote for him. The guys spent a few more minutes on that, got in their plugs and wrapped up the show around Noon.
Howard started off the show asking where Artie was. He said that he had a lot to talk about today. He said that Artie hadn't called in sick yet if he isn't coming in. He also talked about Artie talking about how he thinks he has that Prada Willi disease when he was on the Wrap Up Show yesterday.
Howard took a call but ended up talking about how Drew Carey was going to be calling in later this morning. Bong Hit Bill brought up Riley Martin who was kind of upset with Howard over the comment he made about him being like Pat Robertson. Howard said the guy went off on him for a full 7 minutes last night on his show.
Bill also asked Howard about going on Letterman and why he doesn't want to do it. Howard said that they called his agent yesterday and asked him to come on Thursday. He said that they're apparently really desperate to get guests over there. He said he told Don that he'd rather get it over with so he is going to do it tomorrow instead of next Monday. He said he's not that happy about it but he will be on tomorrow night.
Howard said that Scott Greenstein likes when he does that show in the 4th quarter so they can bump up subscribers. He said that he thought he was out of it when the writer's strike kept him from doing it. Then they kept calling him more and more so he had to agree to do it.
Howard said that he's not sure why they keep asking him to do the show when he doesn't want to do it. He said that it's like they'd want him there every day. He said that maybe Dave should retire and let him take over. Then he thought about it and said that's a job he wouldn't want.
Howard said that Letterman is way more hip than Leno but neither of them are doing anything that wild. He said that he's really not going to be a great guest tomorrow night either. He said he's just going to sit there.
Howard said that today is the second anniversary of their start date there so they're getting a big breakfast thanks to Scott Greenstein. They're also going to do a big group shot picture of everyone there. Gary said that they got an itinerary last night telling them that they were doing the shot today but no one asked him about that before planning it.
Gary said that he just talked to Artie and he overslept because his alarm clock didn't go off. He said he's going to be a little late.
Howard said that he's pretty sure that he's going to be done with radio after his contract is up in 3 years. He said that he looks miserable, he is miserable... Robin said that she could see the look on Howard's face this morning and knew he was miserable. Howard said that everything they do is dumb and he just realized that.
Robin said that the movie is only in 2 theaters in New York so it's tough to get out to see it. They spent a couple of minutes on that. Howard said that even Beth thought it was really good and they were both blown away by it.
Robin said she saw ''Teeth'' yesterday and really liked that. She thought it was really funny. Howard said it's about a woman who has teeth in her vagina and it's a horror movie. He said it was a real movie, not just something that someone made in their basement. Robin said it really was great.
Howard said he may go on Letterman and just talk about the movies he's seen lately. Bong Hit told him not to stress out about the whole thing, he does great every time. Howard said it's not even about that, he just doesn't want to do it. He just wants to go home after work.
Sal came in and told Howard where the Karloff clips were that Bong Hit had asked for. That led to Howard talking to him about how dopey he is. He talked about how dumb he sounded on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Sal said that he's just not that good with politics. He was asking him about Hillary Clinton and Sal was thinking that she was the governor of New York or something. Fred asked him who the senators were for New York and Sal thought it was Brownback and someone else. He didn't know there were two so Howard asked him if he could come up with the next one. Sal guessed Robert Morganthau.
Gary said that it's funny how whenever Sal doesn't know something, it's ''not his thing.'' Sal told Gary that being a producer isn't his thing. Howard said that Sal was saying on the Wrap Up Show that if he votes, he could help the country change. Howard asked him why he didn't vote for the other guy in the last election then. Sal said that's all heresy and it doesn't matter now.
Sal was saying that he's probably going to vote for Obama because he's got that ''black edge'' going for him. He was saying that he also agrees with him on some of the stuff he stands for. Howard told Sal to get out of there because Artie is right, everything that comes out of his mouth is dumb.
Howard played the Karloff ''Fuck you!'' prank call that Bong Hit had asked to hear earlier. Howard asked Bong Hit if that's the one he wanted to hear. Bong Hit said that was it, it was the first one they did on SIRIUS so that's why he had asked to hear it.
Howard played some of the clips from yesterday's Wrap Up Show where Sal was talking about Ronald Reagan and Barack Obama. He was also talking about how he wasn't sure if he was registered to vote because he had never voted in his life.
Howard said that Sal is dumb but Richard is just as dumb as him. He said that he got a note from Richard the other night talking about that guy Fred Thompson and how he just found out he was in the movies and that's why he's going to vote for him. Richard came in and said that he didn't know it was common knowledge. Howard told him that it's his major credential that he's in the movies. Richard said he found that out by watching The Simpsons on Sunday night. They referenced Thompson in that episode so that's apparently where Richard gets his news.
Howard said that the guy who played Gopher on The Love Boat was also a politician. Gary said that Thompson was a politician first before he got into acting. They ended up having him play himself in a movie one time and that's how he got into acting.
Howard said that he saw a picture of Angelina Jolie in the newspaper yesterday and she can't take a bad picture. He talked about how hot she is for a short time and said he had to get back to the Sal clips from the Wrap Up show.
Howard was talking about John McCain and how he looks like he's got chipmunk cheeks. He wondered if that was from being locked up as a prisoner and beaten. The guys said that it might be that or the fact that he's gone through some cancer treatments too.
Howard got back to the Sal clips where he was talking about why he wants to vote for Barack Obama. He said that he's a black man who is in the lead of this electoral race. Howard said that's really racist to say that he's going to vote for him because he's black. Robin said that he's saying that he's doing it because other white people are going to vote for him too.
In one clip Sal was asked how the whole primary thing works and how they pick who is going to run. He gave his own explanation about having two Republicans and two Democrats as well as two Libertarians who compete for the spot. Gary asked Sal to name the candidates that were in the primary but he really didn't know any other names other than Clinton and Obama. That's when Gary said he's not sure if he should register him or sterilize him.
Howard said that he predicted that Clinton was going to be the Democratic nominee. She won the New Hampshire primary and he's probably right. Howard said that she will be the nominee. He's sure of it. He thinks that the Clintons are liked by the Democrats so she'll get in.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw this guy Jim Cramer talking about the XM and SIRIUS merger. He spent about 15 minutes talking to an expert about the whole thing and the expert was dumbfounded that the merger hadn't gone through yet. The guy said that Cramer comes across as crazy but he really had a good point with the merger.
Howard said that he's never seen a government behave like this with a merger like that. He said that no other merger has taken this long and it's not even an important service like the oil companies that they have approved mergers for in much less time. Howard said that he thinks that JD has the clip and he would like to play it. He said he'd like to kiss that guy on the tip of his penis for talking about it on his show.
Howard and the caller talked about the merger for a short time and then JD came in and said that Cramer only talked about it for about 30 seconds. The caller said that it wasn't on Mad Money, it was the show that Cramer has after that show. Howard played the 30 second clip where Jim said he thinks that the merger will happen but told people to hold off on buying the stock.
Howard said that he's shocked by the behavior of the government because these two companies are bleeding money and they need to do this merger. He said that they approve oil company mergers in a few months, this merger they're dragging out over a year.
Howard said that it's very frustrating that they can't get that through. He said that he does have some good news though. He said that there's a press release about their second anniversary there. He read through the press release (Howard Stern Continues The Radio Revolution Exclusively on SIRIUS Satellite Radio) where they talk about how quickly they've grown from about 700,000 subscribers to over 8.3 million. IT's only been 700 days according to the press release.
Fred played Robin's phone ringing sound effect but she knew that it was him. Howard said they got a lot of mail about that and how funny they thought it was that she was fooled yesterday when he was doing that.
Howard took a call from a guy who was in the middle of screaming at someone. The guy said that he was down at the docks picking up a load of something and some other guy was in his way so he had to yell at him to get out of the way.
Howard said he's going to be crowing about that press release when he goes on Letterman tomorrow night. He said that they have a bunch of stuff to get to but he had to take a break.
Howard said that he could get it all done within the time of a commercial break on TV. He said that he wouldn't want to waste anyone's time. Robin said that the 15 minutes you're doing that isn't what you worry about, it's the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of your day that people should worry about.
Howard said he had a new Sal and Richard prank call to play. He went into that a short time later. Sal and Richard call an exterminator and say that they have a bee hive in their gun cabinet. They have a swarm of bees sound effect playing in the background. Then they have a dog barking sound and say that the bees got it. The woman tells them to get out of there. Then they have a Chinese delivery guy show up and come in. He gets stung and then John the Stutterer comes in and gets stung. The woman keeps telling them to get out of the house. They pretend to be getting stung too and that's about where it ends. They didn't go anywhere with the call. Howard figured that could have gone on all day long with the sound effects they were playing.
Artie said that this is the first time he's over slept in 7 years. He said that he's not sure how it happened but he may have hit the snooze button. He said that his driver is supposed to call him if he doesn't hear from him and he probably woke him up around 6. He's supposed to be up by 5. Artie apologized to Howard for showing up late but Howard let him off the hook and said that it's happened to him too.
Howard said they had Eric do that call in Spanish too but he never played it. He played that call where Eric was talking to this pharmacist about the cream and throwing around the chocha word for vagina.
Langford showed up and said that High Pitch is supposed to be turning himself in this weekend over these phone calls. He said they asked Eric about it but he didn't want to talk about it with them. Steve said that the girl that Eric has been calling was an acquaintance of his and she thinks that he's kind of volatile. She said that she didn't want to go to the police but she thinks that he may not be ''all there'' and figured it was best to go to the cops.
Howard played some of the messages that Eric left for this woman Laura where he was cursing her out and calling her a fuck face and threatening her. He called her a fuckin Jew but he's Jewish himself, or at least that's what the guys thought. Eric was telling her that he was going to smash her face into the pavement for talking about his friends.
Howard wondered why anyone would leave that on an answering machine. He said that the last place he would threaten someone is on an answering machine. He said that high pitched voice isn't very threatening sounding though. It's like Mickey Mouse asking you to go to the park. Artie said that he's an enormous monster though.
Howard said that he can't imagine being Eric's friend and having him leaving messages like that. Steve said that he seemed to be turning his life around before all of this came out. Howard said that he may be going off the deep end. He played some more of his messages where Eric was going off on this woman calling her names like ''unpretty bitch.''
Artie wondered how he has time to do that stuff. He figured he spends so much time eating and shitting that he wouldn't have that kind of time. Robin said that Eric does have friends though, that's the surprising thing. She said that she doesn't even have that many herself.
Johnny told Howard he had someone on the phone with him so Howard started guessing who it could be. Johnny said it was no one like the people they were naming, it turned out to be Meyer Lansky's grandson. Howard and Artie spent a minute talking to him about his grandfather. They asked him if he has a lot of money from the family. He said that he doesn't work and just goes around hanging out with his friends like Johnny. Howard said that next week Johnny will probably have Richard Belzer's college roommate on the phone.
Howard told Johnny he had to get going and let the two of them go. He said he had a lot of stuff to get to today. Howard said that he had Lucky Luciano's caterer on the other line and head to get going. Howard and Artie spent a minute talking about the call before moving on.
Howard said that he was talking about that movie that Artie had given to him to watch. Artie said he got the screener to watch and he wanted Howard to hold on to it. Robin was getting it next and then his father was going to get it. They had to take a break a short time later.
Richard touched the berry on Ralph's face and Ralph asked him not to touch him like that with those filthy hands of his. He figured he was playing with his balls and stuff and didn't want him near him. He talked about the berry on his face and how he used to pick at it when he first got it in high school. He said he went to a dermatologist one time and they were going to burn it off but he decided to keep it after that. Howard said he likes that Richard touched it and Ralph was disgusted by it.
Howard said he wanted Richard to touch it again but Ralph didn't want him near him. He was going to dump something on his head. Artie agreed with Ralph and he was scheeved out by him too.
Howard played the Crazy Alice voice mail where she went off on Ralph. She was saying that Ralph sucks Howard's dick and he's a fuckin' faggot. She was defending herself against something that the guys had said about her on the air but it wasn't all that clear what she was talking about. The guys had no idea what that was about.
Ralph said that Alice was giving him a hard time about leaching off of people but she does that with the government so she shouldn't be going off on him.
Howard said that they have some girls coming in to get evaluated and he had Ralph, Ronnie and Richard in to evaluate them. The first girl was Emily. Artie said he saw her downstairs this morning and she's really hot. She's 25 years old and she's wanted to be in Playboy for a while now. She said she's a nurse and that was turning Howard on. He said that she's hard working and gives to people by doing that job.
Howard asked Emily if those were her real breasts. She said she didn't know so Howard took that as a no. He said she looks kind of like Lindsay Lohan and that led to him talking about an article he read about Lindsay throwing herself at some guy when she was out recently. She had forced herself upon this guy and he explained it all to a reporter.
Howard had Emily turn around for the guys and show off her body. Howard asked if it's tough to be a nurse with a body like that. She said that she's covered up all the time so it's not an issue with the guys there. Howard read more about this Lindsay Lohan story and found out that the guy had sex with her for about an hour and a half. Howard asked Emily if she's wild sexually. She said that she's really not. She said that she has kissed a girl but she prefers to be with guys.
Emily wants to be in Playboy so Howard asked her to take her top off. She took that top off and Howard said that they have to see the whole thing. She wasn't undressing fast enough. Artie liked that she had big areolas but Ralph said that he's not a fan of that. He said that she won't lose points over that though. She said that she used to be a B-cup and had ''puffer nipples'' before she got the implants.
Howard asked Ronnie what he thought of this girl. Ronnie said that he's not sure they'll take her in Playboy with the tattoo or not. He said that there's something wacky about her knees too. She might be knock kneed or something. He said that they're crazy looking. Richard said that he saw that too. Ronnie also said that her one nipple is different than the other. One is uneven and not in the right location. Whoever did the boob job took her nipples away and they're hard to see. He said that she's got a beautiful face though. He thinks that maybe a special edition or something would be good for her.
Ralph said that Emily stands weird but they could pose her to make her look right. He said that her boobs are off but they could pose her to make them look okay. He said that she's sweating a bit too. It turned out it was baby oil on her ass, not sweat. Ralph said he didn't think that she had the Playboy look, he thought she had a bit of a butterface. He said that everything was good but her face. Artie thought she was a butter knees. Ralph said that her body is good but not the face. He said that she's not that bad that she could win a Butterface contest though.
Howard asked Richard what he thought. He said that her face is the best part of her. Her left boob was off a bit. They talked about her nipples and how they were off too. Richard said that her ass could be tightened up a little more. He said that she needs to do some squats and stuff. They were talking about the panties and how bad they looked.
Howard said he had to disagree with them and said that she could be in Playboy. Ronnie said that she could be in the magazine, just not a centerfold. Fred said that he thinks that the hair is bad but she does look good. He said that her boobs weren't perfect but he could get past that.
The guys wanted to see more of Emily's ass so Gary suggested that she lift up her panties or something. She did that and the guys said that her ass does need a little bit of work. Fred thinks that she could work on that stuff for about 6 months and she'd be able to get into the magazine. Howard thought that Emily was crushed by all of this but she said she was okay. Howard asked her to go and do some working out and come back in a few months to show off what she's done. She said she could do that.
Howard moved on to the next contestant, Davina, who has wanted to pose for the magazine for about 8 years. She's never sent in any pictures though. She was married for 8 months but her husband cheated on her with her maid of honor. She caught them doing it so she had to leave the guy. She was very close to her maid of honor until that happened. She said that she walked in on them when they were doing stuff on their boat. She said that she looked at them like there was no way that it was happening. She said that her friend told her that she was seeing things. She said she might be blonde but she's not that stupid.
Davina said that her husband was actually inside of her when she saw them. She said she called his dad and even he told her that he would never do that to her. She said that she had even gotten it on with the maid of honor but her husband didn't know that. She said that if he had asked, she may have asked him to do stuff with them eventually.
Howard told Davina that it was time for the truth. She claimed that she was 25 but Ralph didn't believe that. He said that she looked 28 or so. Ronnie saw her ID though and said that she really is 25. Howard had Davina take her top off and saw that she had breast implants too. Artie said that those were nice tits though. Howard asked him when he became one of the evaluators. He said that his microphone is on and he's going to say something if he sees nice tits.
Howard went to Ronnie first and asked him if she could be in Playboy. He said that not with the scar she has on her stomach. She has an appendix scar. She's also got some kind of roll she's trying to hide on the left side. She needs to tone up but she could be in Hustler or something according to Ronnie. He said that the boobs are nice, he likes those. He told her to lose at least 10 pounds and work out really good.
Ralph said that most of the stuff is fixable. He said that her face was great and if he could take her face and put it on Emily's body, they'd have a winner. He told Davina that she's at least 30 pounds overweight. She's 145 pounds and 5'9'' tall. Howard told her that Ralph is right and she should be about 120 pounds. She said that she was 130 at her wedding and she was told she was too skinny. Howard said that her husband cheated on her though so maybe that wasn't thin enough.
Fred said that she does have a roll under her chin and she'd have to lose the weight to get rid of that. Artie thinks that she could get into Jugs magazine if she claims that scar is from a knife fight. Ralph said that her boobs were off too but if she did lose some weight, they might be okay. He told her that if she's really only 25, she should be ashamed of herself for being that overweight.
Richard was up next and said that she's got a Paris Hilton type look but she has to make her body look like that. Fred thinks she has a Jessica Simpson look. Artie said that he'd take her out and bang her right now if he could. Richard said she has some serious camel toe going too.
Howard asked Davina if she could take her bottoms off. She told him that she won't if she has to lose 30 pounds. Ralph thinks that she has more of a chance of getting into the magazine than Emily does. He said that she's got that full body that they want for that magazine.
Howard was wrapping up when he took a call from Steve from Playboy, which was actually Sal, who said that if they take their bottoms off, he'd check them out on Howard TV. Artie asked Ronnie to measure up against Davina to see if she's lying about her height. Ronnie told him to fuck off.
Richard said that he's got a suggestion and asked the girls if they'd like to kiss. The girls asked why so Richard just said that it would turn them on. Davina said that she can't do it. She said that Emily is very beautiful but she just can't do it. Howard gave up on trying to get them to do any of that stuff. He wrapped up and told the girls they did okay but they didn't get into the next stage of things.
They only had two girls this morning so Artie ended up getting upset about that. Artie wanted to evaluate the receptionist out in the lobby but that wasn't going to happen. Fred threw in Robin's phone ringing sound as they were wrapping up and going to break. Robin said that it wasn't her phone.
Howard asked Drew how he and his girlfriend are doing. Drew said that they're going to get married but they haven't set a date yet. Howard asked Drew how many times he saw her at the strip club before he asked her to marry him. He laughed and said he wasn't sure.
Howard said he always wanted to be a game show host. He thinks that it would be an easy gig. He said that the Price is Right is something that would be tough to play because they have so many games to learn. Drew said that he does have to walk through them before the show starts but he's able to remember them while they're taping.
Howard said that the hardest part of that show is telling the contestants how to play even though they already know how to play. Drew said it's just like telling your friends how to play a game of Risk or something.
Jason came in and said that he's seen Drew doing The Price is Right and he will screw up at least one game per episode and the producers have to correct him.
Drew said that he thought it was nuts when they asked him to take over for Bob Barker. He figured everyone was going to make fun of him when he took over. Howard asked Drew about all of the hot chicks that he works with over there and if he's ever tempted by any of them. That led to them talking about how Bob Barker got into some trouble after he dated one of the girls on the show.
Howard said that Bob used to have women reach into his pocket to get money from there. He said that he and his father used to talk about that and after he talked about it on the air, Bob stopped doing it. Drew said that was back in the 70s that they started doing that stuff. They also liked to drink between shows and smoke on the set, it was a whole different time.
Howard said that it's great that Drew can just walk in, host the game and get paid for it. They shoot 2 shows a day and they have 12 games to play per day. He said that he goes to work by 11 and he's done by 5:30 and he only works 3 days a week. Howard asked him if he's getting 10 million a year to do that. Drew said he's not getting that yet.
Artie told Drew to tell Howard how long it would take to do a full season of ''Who's Line Is It Anyway.'' Drew said that they'd finish up the Drew Carey show and then they'd do the sketches for that other show and they'd get about 10 shows a week done. Artie said that Drew was the go to guy for ABC for a while there. They used to do the whole season in 2 or 3 weekends.
Drew used to be miserable doing those shows over there. Drew said that he tried to kill himself a few times in his life. They were really pussy moves though and he tried to kill himself with Sominex and beer one time. He said he went down and told some people that he took some sleeping pills and some people drove him to the hospital. They made him puke it up and there was one guy standing behind him and singing the Sominex theme song as he was puking them up.
drew said he tried one other time to kill himself in Vegas but that one didn't work either, obviously. He said he didn't remember that one so well. He said he's really changed over the past couple of years and he feels like changing his name to something like ''World Be Free'' or something like that. He can't imagine how he ever got to the point where he wanted to kill himself. Howard said that's what he's been trying to tell Artie lately.
Howard said that Drew is hosting the Power of 10 tonight on CBS. Drew said that he has to fly to New York to do that show. He said that show takes about an hour and a half to tape the show. They don't even shut the tape off at any point.
Howard said that Drew was the first guest on Ellen Degeneres' show the day that she went on and cried about the dog she had given to another family. Drew didn't think that Ellen had done anything wrong and said that he told her that everyone loves her and she was going to be fine.
Howard said that Drew almost broke his arm on the set of The Price is Right when his arm got stuck in one of the wheels he has to spin. He said that he was joking about how it was going to get crushed and it actually happened. He said that he ended up going to a lunch meeting with a guy that day because he had waited for the meeting so long.
Howard said that the girls on The Price is Right are really hot and he wondered who dresses them. Drew wasn't sure so he told Howard to check the end credits. Drew said that one of the women is pregnant and they're letting her go through the whole pregnancy on the show. Howard thinks that's a mistake. He said he thinks that Drew is going to be in charge of killing those women off when they get too old to do that job.
Howard told Drew he's really happy for him that he's doing so well right now. Drew said that he never imagined that he'd be hosting that show. He didn't think he'd fit in. Howard said that he didn't picture him as the host either and he figured they'd pick a radio DJ type to do that.
Howard asked Drew about the Ellen thing and what he really thought about her breaking down and crying. Drew said that he felt really bad for the woman that lost her dog. He said he felt really bad for Ellen too. He said that he's really changed over the past few years.
Gary came in and said that Drew has been buying lunch for the writers who are on strike out there in California. He's been paying for lunch at the local diners where they're out picketing. Howard told him not to give away all of his money.
Howard asked Drew if he's watching a lot of porn like he used to. Drew said that he really hasn't been doing that a lot lately. He said that he does get a DVD from a friend once in a while though. Howard gave him another plug and then took some phone calls.
One caller said that he used to wack it to the girls on The Price is Right. Howard said that he used to do that too. Drew said he used to wack off to Hee Haw. Howard said he did that too once in a while. He said that there's nothing more pathetic than him waiting by his TV to see some models on The Price is Right to come out. Another caller asked Drew about Wayne Brady and if he's really an asshole. Drew said that he's been fine when he's been around him. He's super sweet and nice to everyone. Howard asked the guy why he thinks that Wayne Brady is a dick. Artie said that Greg Fitzsimmons had some stories about him and they found him to be a prima donna.
Howard asked Drew if he's been going to therapy or something. Drew said he does go occasionally. Howard wondered why he can go occasionally but he has to go 3 days a week himself. Another caller asked Drew if he had a big dick or something and that's how he's getting the hot chicks. Drew said that it's average, it's really not that big. Howard figured it was thick though so that's where he had the size. Drew laughed and said that must be it. Howard gave Drew some more plugs and let him go a short time later.
Yesterday Howard compared Riley Martin to Pat Robertson, just saying that they were similar in the way that they have fairy tales that they tell. Riley ended up getting pisseed off at Howard and started his show off by going off on him. Howard played the clip where Riley's co-host, Eron, asked him about the Pat Robertson thing. Riley said that he has love for these young people but he ''cannot allow this transgression go unresponded to.'' He then went on to complain about not getting paid while Howard was on vacation. He said that stopped him from being able to do his Christmas shopping.
Howard played more of Riley's complaining where he was going off on him about being home and opening gifts while the rest of the people were working and not getting paid. Howard wondered if he should be concerned by this guy or not because he does seem to be a little angry. Robin said that he may not want to take it as a joke, he could be dangerous, you never know.
Howard played more of Riley's rant where he was going off on him. He was going on and on comparing Howard to some evil people. Riley went on and on letting his thoughts out about Howard. He seems to really be seething inside and let out all of his anger during this rant. He even went off on Robin about her dating Jim Florentine. Howard wondered if anyone thought about Riley while they were on vacation. No one had but Riley seems to have been thinking about them.
Riley was complaining about how he hadn't gotten paid on time after the first of the year. He didn't get his check until the 7th of the month. That's because they have to mail it to him though. Riley's sidekick was agreeing with all he was saying and making things even worse. Riley was throwing out a lot of those ''Uhh...'' comments that he does when he's speaking.
Riley was accusing Howard of watching pedophile snuff films and stuff like that. Howard said that he's never seen either one of those things so he's not sure what he's talking about there. Howard said that this is coming from a guy who he gave a job to.
Riley was talking about all of the people who seem to go on vacation while Howard is on vacation. Robin said that Riley doesn't seem to know that they mail out his check and he doesn't get paid on that exact day that he's supposed to get paid. Howard said that guy should really quit there, they don't really need him to work there. He's got so much anger toward them and he doesn't seem to want to be there.
Gary said that Riley is supposed to get paid within 30 days of the date he's scheduled to get paid. He expects it to show up that day he's getting paid but he doesn't seem to know that it takes time to mail a check. Howard said that Riley really should leave, he's miserable.
Robin said that Riley said something about her not being black because she's dating a white man, meanwhile he's got a white wife! Howard took a call from a guy who said that he loves Riley's bullshit and he'd love to hear a special or something on a weekend. Robin said that they have done that once in a while.
The caller asked about Howard TV and said that Howard really doesn't talk about it enough. Howard said that he doesn't have time to talk about it all day long. He said that the people know about it already and it's always there for them to watch.
Howard played a Jack and Rod bit where they have Riley saying ''Huh'' over and over again as they're speaking to the author of a book. The woman asks Riley over and over again what the doctor told him about his problem but he just keeps saying ''Huh?'' over and over and over.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Riley is fuckin retarded and they can't get rid of him. Howard said that they're not getting rid of him, he's just amazed that he stays with them. Another guy said that Riley is amazing and he's much better than even Robin is. He said that Robin is useless. Howard hung up on him and took another call. The next caller asked why Riley would be celebrating Christmas. Howard wasn't sure about that.
Howard said that he'd walk out and tell Dave he was going to have his crew read a Top 10 List. Right. Artie missed the announcement that Howard had about doing Letterman tomorrow night instead of Monday. Howard told him that he's just going to sit there and do nothing tomorrow. He doesn't want to be there, he has nothing to talk about. He won't do a pre-interview either. He said he goes on that show and he does that under protest.
Howard said that he's going to talk about the 8.3 million subscribers and maybe how quickly they were able to get that number up there.
Howard and Artie talked about how Eric comes off as a gangster in that clip. That led to Artie doing his Biggie Smalls impression but doing it in his High Pitch Eric voice. At one point Eric threatens to smash this woman's face into the pavement and tells her to go ahead and test him if she wants. Howard said he can picture him in court saying that he's retarded and he would never do that again.
They played a clip where they had Eric saying K and Q words so he was making that disgusting sound he makes when he says anything with that ''chh'' sound. Artie is really disgusted by that noise and it seems to drive him nuts when he hears it.
Howard said that those calls Eric made are really creepy. He said he wants to talk to him about that but Eric apparently doesn't want to talk about it with anyone.
Howard got back to the Riley Martin show clips. He had one where a caller got Riley all worked up by telling him he was on his side in all of that. He said that Howard comparing Riley to Pat Robertson was very wrong. Howard said he was just comparing him to Pat because Pat talks to God and Riley talks to Aliens.
Sean told Howard that he really missed them and it was great to hear them again. Howard asked him what he thinks he'll end up in jail for next. Sean said that he's in recovery and he'd like to start a new chapter there at SIRIUS and maybe do some counseling for people there. Howard said that's not going to happen and he wanted to know what he's really going to do. Howard told him to get on the right path and maybe lose the anger.
Howard thanked Sean for the call and said that he was going to keep tabs on him. Sean got in a plug for the web site that he's started, ModMyLife.com, and kept trying to keep Howard on the line. Howard said he just wanted to move on with the show. He finally got him off the line and was about to go to break.
Howard said that Lisa was a white girl but she was very tan. She said that she's half Italian and that's where the color comes from. Artie really seemed to like her.
Lisa said that she used to do some girl kissing stuff when she was in high school but she doesn't do that now. She's been going out with a guy now for 2 years. Artie said that they have to get her out of there because it's going to get depressing. She said that she works with the guy at Hooters.
Artie asked her if she'd take 10 grand to forget about her boyfriend for 2 hours. She said she'd take it. Artie said that he'd pay 10 grand for that.
Howard read that Lisa was arrested when she was 17. She said that she wasn't quit that hot back then. She said that she had a girl who was bullying her back in high school and one night she was out drinking. She was drinking a bottle of Malibu and felt tough so she went off on her at this party. She ended up hitting the other chick with the bottle and broke her nose. The bottle didn't break and the girl went down. Her nose ended up getting broken but she thought she had killed the girl.
Lisa said that she used to be an A-cup but she got implants and now she's a full C or small D cup. She said that her boyfriend is a kitchen manager at the Hooters she works at. Howard said that's amazing, a waitress at hooters landed the cook. Gary said that he did stick with her when she was flat chested. Howard asked her if she would have sex with Artie for 10 grand. She said no and then said that she'd do it for 5.
Howard asked Lisa to model for them and spin around. She was wearing a bathing suit but didn't want to take it off. Howard asked her if she's ever tried anal. She said that she tried it one time but didn't like it, it hurt too much.
Howard wrapped up with her and Artie tried to get her phone number so he could text message her. She wasn't falling for it though. Howard read that she also draws porn pictures and saw one of them on the monitor. He said that it was a very good drawing actually.
Artie asked her to punch her number into his phone so he could text her. She said she'd do that later and ran out of the studio. Howard said she got beat up by a group of lesbians in school one time too so he had her come back in to talk about that. Lisa came back in and said that the girls didn't like her and they came up to her and confronted her when she was walking home from a party. She said that they beat her up like they were men beating the shit out of someone. She said they didn't take her clothes off or anything like Howard was picturing.
Howard let Lisa go and played an audio clip from an anal film. Artie said that he's going to the AVN awards this weekend and he'll be presenting out there and the two chicks he's going out on stage with are really hot. He's going out with Jana Jordan and another chick and they were both pretty hot.
Howard said that Eddie Murphy may have pulled a good move and got married in Tahiti where the marriage may not even be legal. He said that Eddie doesn't look like a fun guy anymore. He's always serious in pictures and just seems miserable.
Howard had Steve Langford come in after that. Artie was eating some Filet Mignon that came up from Del Friscos this morning and he said it was soooo good. The food was part of the 2nd anniversary celebration that was going on this morning.
Steve got to his news preview and said that they're going to be talking about Howard's second anniversary there at SIRIUS. Steve said they'll have special coverage of that today. Howard said they're out in the hall preparing for the group shot that has somehow become a tradition there.
Steve said that hey have an update on KC Armstrong's arrest and release from jail. They also talked to Vinnie Favale about Howard's Letterman appearance tomorrow. They'll have more on that today on Howard 100 News.
Artie got some more Filet Mignon after he had asked for some more from the food out there. Howard figured he wasn't on his diet yet going by what he was eating. Artie said that he was just enjoying the anniversary celebration.
Jon Hein came in and gave his Wrap Up Show preview. He said that they're going to be talking about the evaluations they did earlier. That led to Howard asking Robin if she would pose for Playboy for a million bucks. Robin said she probably would do it for that kind of money. She said she's feeling good about her body now. She said that a million might do it. Howard asked Robin how much she's lost but she wouldn't say. She said that she is continuing to lose though. Robin said she didn't even want to give out her goal number.
Howard told Robin that her number should be 120 pounds because she's 5'6'' tall. Robin said that she could never get down that far. She said that at her lightest she was more than 125 pounds. That was back at WNBC. Howard said that he thinks that she should be 120, she'd look great. Robin said that she would look awful at that weight.
Jon Hein said they'll be talking about Drew Carey's call to the show, Artie's over sleeping, High Pitch Eric's messages, Sean the White Rapper, Riley's rants and much, much more.
Robin also talked about how you can add 14 years to your life by not smoking, exercising and drinking moderately. Those were the findings of a study done over in the UK.
Howard asked if they should take off Martin Luther King day this year. Artie thinks that they should, they took it off last year. Howard said they should be off that day then. Gary said that it is a company holiday. Howard said that they're going to take it off then, there should be no arguing about it. Howard asked the fans not to get mad at them for taking the day off. Artie wanted to take off Columbus day then if they're going to take of MLK day. He said that he's Italian so he should get that day off. Robin said that they've only taken that day off like once.
Robin got back to that 14 year story again and Artie said that it's just going to be 14 years of misery so why extend it. Howard said that his parents seem to be enjoying their lives and they're in their 80s.
Robin read a story about Jessica Simpson dating Tony Romo and how his worst game was when she was in the stands watching him play. She also talked about how Mr. Blackwell is getting too old to do the announcing with his worst dressed list. He's got Florence Henderson reading his lists now. They played some clips of her reading that list. Howard said that Mr. Blackwell must be in really bad shape if he's not reading his own lists. After hearing all of that Howard said that guy is an incredible no-talent, although he did enjoy watching him on all of the talk shows he used to do.
Robin read a story about Will Smith possibly becoming a Scientologist. Howard said that he thinks all of that stuff is fairy tale like. He said that Scientology is no stupider than the rest of the religions out there but it does seem to come across as dumb to change from one to another.
Robin said that the Golden Globe awards are going to be drastically different this year because of the writer's strike. Howard said that they should talk about the people who are appearing on Jimmy Kimmel and Jay Leno's shows. He said that Jay Thomas was on Kimmel's show and doesn't seem to care that he's crossing the picket line. Pam Anderson was on Leno's show and claiming she didn't know anything about a strike. Howard said that's a weird move. He said he'd like to know what that's like for him to cross the picket line like he's doing.
Robin had some clips to play from the People's Choice Awards from last night. The guys talked about some of the shows that won and one of them was Deal or No Deal. Howard said that he's happy for Howie Mandel doing that show but the show really is nothing. He said there's nothing to do on that show.
Robin played a few more clips from the award show and had the guys goofing on some of the comments the people were making. Robin also talked about how rapper Eminem had gained a lot of weight and was up over 200 pounds according to an article she read. He was also sick over the holidays because of his rapid weight gain.
Robin talked about the New Hampshire primaries and what went on up there. She also talked about Rudy Giuliani and had Howard playing some clips of him making a speech. Ralph came barging in at that point to comment on Rudy. Howard said he didn't want him in there but let him say a few words before kicking him out.
Robin went on to play some clips of Barack Obama and John Edwards making their speeches. The guys spent a few minutes talking about that stuff. Artie said that he may have to vote for the first time ever in this Presidential election after Robin was talking about how strong Hillary is coming on.
Howard said that Mitt Romney must be freaking out because he spent so much money on this campaign and New Hampshire didn't back him up. It was a like a big slap in the face to him when they voted for John McCain. That led to the guys talking about religion since Romney is a Mormon and Howard figured that all of those religions were basically the same. He didn't know that people would be against a Mormon the way they seem to be.
Robin had Howard playing a bunch of clips of Ron Paul saying some stuff up there. Howard seemed to like what he was saying.
Robin had a story about a man who beheaded some neighbors because they were trying to eat his favorite dog. Howard said that things must be bad over there in Russia. He said that's like Scott Salem's dream. That was it for Robin's news. Howard let Artie get in some plugs for his upcoming gigs and web site and then ended the show around 10:15am.
Gary said that they were yelling for people to come over and get their pictures taken while all of that was going down.
Jon asked Artie about his oversleeping and what happened there. Artie said that he never oversleeps like that and his driver ended up talking to his sister who got all upset thinking that something had happened to him. Gary said that his sister called him this morning all upset and he started to panic himself. He said that he was afraid for Artie because he's never missed waking up like that before. Artie said that his driver is a great guy but he can't be calling his sister like that.
Artie said that his sister and mother crying are his Kryptonite and that's why he gave up using coke. Artie said that he's writing his book now and he's finding it really hard to do that. He said that he finally figured out an angle for starting these two stories he was writing and he didn't want to stop. That led to him staying up until 1 in the morning. He went to bed around then and tested his alarm. He said he was all stressed out and must have slept right through the alarm. He said that everyone there is very understanding.
Gary said that he was really stressed out and Jon said that he could see it in his eyes when he saw him this morning. Gary said he was hoping that maybe Teddy had spoken to him last night but that didn't happen. Gary said that the funny thing is that Benjy showed up an hour and a half late one morning but no one had noticed that he wasn't there. Artie doesn't show up and everyone notices.
Artie said that this happens to everyone eventually. Even Fred overslept at least once. He said that he had to get his stomach pumped one time and he'd overslept that morning out in L.A. They had a real reason to be concerned back then because he was on coke. This time it wasn't the coke, it was just staying up late. Artie said that he was a real mess back then because he was doing coke and drinking Jack Daniels with it. He said he was going through convulsions at that point and overdosed on the stuff. He said he was afraid he was going to have a heart attack or something back then but he lucked out.
Artie talked about the Grateful Dead and how he'd read a story back then about how Pig Pen had died at a young age and that freaked him out even more. He said that may have been the closest he's come to dying.
Gary said that the funny thing is that they try to deny stuff like that. Fred the Elephant Boy once tried to deny that he had called a dating service and left a message saying he was looking for another man. He came in and denied it was his voice.
Artie said that he remembers a thing that the guys did with High pitch when he first started out and had him saying that they had to kill off Artie and then kill off Mike Gange. He said that he's like a pile of retarded clay that you can mold into anything.
Jon asked JD what he thought about the girls. JD said that he liked the first one but the second one was more his type. Artie said that the second one looked like what Jillian Grace would look like 40 years from now and a million gallons of booze later. He said that she shouldn't have come in with that scar either. Benjy said that's the kind of girl they drive to suicide by picking them apart.
Ralph said that he likes to pick apart the really hot chicks more than a fat chick who shows up. He said that the second chick could make it in if she lost the weight. They could photoshop out that scar. Gary said he just came up with a new show idea, Hottest Chick, Biggest Scar.
Jon played a clip from the contest where they were talking about one of the girls and asking her to take her top off. Jon asked Gary who he thinks is the best at judging. Gary said that Ralph is good, Ronnie goes off in weird directions. He said that he didn't know what was going on with Richard. Artie said he didn't know either and Richard may have been trying to go for laughs instead of doing an evaluation.
Gary said that he was asked how JD would be if he was evaluating. He wasn't sure about how that would go. He might be too intimidated. JD said that he's easily impressed so he might not be able to pick a woman apart like the other guys do.
Gary said that Ralph is just good at what he does, he's not always brutal with the women. Ralph said he just tries to help the woman, or at least that's what he tries to come off like when he's doing that stuff. Richard came in a short time later and said that he thinks that he brings a legitimacy to the table. He reads Playboy every month and has a subscription to the Playboy web site so he should know what kind of girls they're looking for.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he was calling to talk about Artie showing up late. He asked what happened since he missed the start of the show. Artie said he just slept late and Howard was okay with it. The guys asked Teddy why he doesn't wake him up, he is his assistant after all. Artie said that the black guy who drives him is supposed to wake him up, he's the one in charge of that.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked about the Evaluations and why they didn't get them on the Sybian. Gary said that Howard isn't into that stuff as much as he used to be. He said that he's not quite as horny as he used to be. Benjy said he thinks that he's more about what's entertaining at the moment.
Artie said that he thinks that Howard is laying off of that for Beth. He said that he may think that it's disrespectful to do that to her so he's been backing off. Some of the guys weren't upset that they didn't have to look at the girls completely naked.
Gary said that they went to a strip club one time where they had to put their arms up on the couch so they couldn't touch the girls. The girls would get completely naked and it was kind of gross. Artie said that he went to do a show up in Massachusetts one time and went with Dan the Song Parody Man. He said that he was with him the whole weekend and Dan drove him around the whole time in his creepy van. Dan wanted to stop at a strip club on the way home so they went to this place near Chicopee Massachusetts and the group of women there were just gross. He said that you could do just about anything you wanted to do to the women there. He said that Dan disappeared with one of the women and Artie got a blow job. Then he said that he didn't get a blow job that time.
Richard said that Dan knows of every hand release massage parlor on the East coast. He said he knows a lot of creepy stuff. Artie said that he remembered the story that Richard told about finding one of Dan's long hairs in his meatloaf one time and it just kept coming out more and more but Richard ate it anyway.
Artie said that Dan told him a story one time about going to some event out in Oklahoma one time and he was in a port-a-john and he could see through to the next john and ended up seeing a female friend of his sit down and take a shit. About an hour later his friend was fucking the chick and it just grossed him out.
Richard said that Dan was naked on his couch one time with some chick when he stayed over at his place. Gary said that the greatest line about Dan was when he came on the show and told Howard ''Howard you know I'm a poon hound...'' like everyone knows that he's a poon hound.
Artie said he had a friend who told him that he bought a boat and he asked him why he bought it. The guy said ''Well, you know how I love the water...'' but Artie had no idea he loved the water.
A caller told the guys that Howard has a great way of having these mongoloid guys evaluating girls. They talked about how that kind of stuff gets a lot of viewers on Howard TV. The girls get better numbers than even a Chris Rock appearance does. They had to take a break a short time later.
Jon thinks that Bob Barker was the best at it and no one can replace him. He took a call from a guy who said that he's a huge Drew Carey fan but he's not very good on The Price Is Right. He hopes that he doesn't screw up that Power of 10 show. The guy didn't know that the show was already on last season. Ralph described the game and said that Drew is good on that too. He said that it's a great play at home type of game, it's fun.
Ralph said he likes that 1 vs. 100 show that Bob Saget does too. The guys spent some time talking about other game shows as well. Richard said he liked ''Press Your Luck'' with the ''no more whammies'' thing. Jon said that there was a guy who took that show for a record amount of money after figuring out when the whammies were going to come. He learned the system and figured it all out.
Gary said that Drew has been a great guest on the show. They wanted him to come in at 10 of 10 this morning but they wanted him to come on earlier so Drew woke up early and called in instead of coming into the studio. He said that Drew didn't have a lot of money for a long time and he's very generous with the money he makes now.
Jon said that Drew really was ABC not too many years ago when he had two hit shows on the network. Benjy thinks that Drew is a really nice guy and he's so nice that he'd probably give losers on The Price is Right money out of his own pocket.
Gary said that the two nicest guests who come on the show are Jason Alexander and John Stamos. They're both really nice to everyone when they come in. Benjy said that James Brown was a really nice guy when he came in too. He'd go around shaking hands and stuff while his people would tell them not to look him in the eye and things like that.
Gary said that he had a friend who worked for a record company and had the singer Meredith Brooks in the car on the way to an awards show and they were held up in traffic. The record company person asked her to get out and walk so they could get there quicker. She was afraid she was going to get mobbed. Just as she said that Carley Simon walked by without a mob of people bothering her.
Gary was also talking about how there are some guests who come up there and storm out of there. They had Frank Sinatra Jr. up there and he ended up yelling at his people, threw a CD case and walked out never to be heard from again. They also had the Rachel Hunter incident where she walked out when the cameras were shooting her. She said she had no idea that they were shooting up there and she wasn't camera ready.
Gregg Carmel, cameraman for Howard TV, said that Donald Trump treated him the worst. He said that he was so full of himself that he was just a douche. He said that David Spade was also a douche. He said that Tracy Morgan was great and so was Jon Stewart. He said that Spade didn't want to be there and gave him an attitude. Gregg said that Spade's publicist was trying to rush him through the interview and kicking him in the leg trying to get him moving.
Gregg said that Dave Grohl was one of the nicest guys he's ever interviewed as well. Gary said he thinks that Grohl has been avoiding them for some reason because he's been in town a few times and hasn't come in.
Gary said that Joe Piscopo came up one time to do the show and he refuses to go into a dressing room unless his name is on the door. He wasn't kidding about it either and stood outside until someone put his name on the door. Gary said their old channel 9 show producer Dan Forman saw Piscopo order some food on a flight one time and just ended up sniffing it instead of eating it. Joe told the airline staff that it's been proven that if you just sniff something like that it makes you feel like you ate it.
Richard said that Fabio actually asked to meet him one time when he was in. He said he was shocked by that. The guys talked about some other guests who have been really nice like Joan Rivers, Jimmy Kimmel and a bunch of others.
The guys talked about how Robin could do it if she had photo approval. Gary said that they do people like Nancy Sinatra and people like that. Benjy wasn't sure if they would do it but they should jump on it if they're listening. Benjy said that if she looks good she wouldn't be embarrassed by it. Gary isn't sure if she'd do it but he never thought that she'd date Jim Florentine either.
Sal said that Robin would be good in Black Tail magazine. Gary said that she's classier than that though. Sal went on to say that she might be too thin for that magazine now that she's lost so much weight. Gary said that he thinks that Robin's boobs have gotten much smaller since she's lost all of this weight.
Sal was wondering how big Robin's areolas are. That led to the guys talking about the girl who was evaluated this morning talking about her puffy areolas.
Benjy asked Gary what he'd do if he had to give his kids to either Eric or Jeff Levy. Gary said that was really thought but he'd probably have to go with Eric.
Sal said that he has no interest in politics but he can't be blamed for the stuff that's happening in this world if he doesn't vote. Gary said that no one is blaming him for that but as a human being you want to know what's going on in this world.
Richard said that he may not have known that Fred Thompson was an actor but Sal didn't know who the guy was at all. Sal said he still doesn't know. Gary explained to him who he was. Benjy said that he doesn't think that Sal is stupid, he's probably above average in intelligence. He said that Sal just isn't interested in that kind of stuff so he doesn't know about it. Gary said that there's a difference between knowing about it and liking it though. He said that if you go to a party and there's a political discussion going on, Sal is just going to stand there not knowing anything.
Sal and Gary were arguing about politics when Gary was trying to find out just what he knows. Sal was saying that all he knows is that this Iraq war is out of hand and they have to put a stop to it. Sal said that he thinks that Bush is in cahoots with Bin Laden and that's why they're not going after him. He gave a whole speech about that stuff and why he doesn't bother voting. Sal said that he thinks that he is registered to vote but he's really not sure. He may have filled out a form at the motor vehicle office one time.
Sal said that he saw Barack Obama in the paper today and saw his wife hugging him and all he could think was Flo from Good Times. He said that he might be changing his vote to Hillary after that.
Sal wondered what would happen in this country if a black guy was actually elected, would people actually leave the country over that? Gary doesn't think that would be that much of a problem for this country. Most people aren't going to leave just because of that.
Sal was telling Gary that he finds it odd that Gary calls him stupid sometimes and that really bothers him. He thinks that Gary likes him but then he'll tell him that he's stupid. Gary said he hasn't called him stupid. Sal said that his father called him stupid through his whole life so he's used to that. He explained how his father bragged about him to one of his cousin's and his cousin pointed out that Sal is dipping his balls in people's mouths. His father didn't have any idea what he was up to on the show.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he agrees with Sal about the political crap being boring. He said that he's the same way and doesn't care about that stuff. Jon said that he agrees that it's boring but you do need some awareness of what's going on out there.
Gary said that he hasn't made his decision yet but he thinks that Hillary might be the right choice because she was in the White House with her husband for 8 years.
Another caller said that Sal has to be one of the most stupid people on the planet. He told him not to talk about politics. It proves that he has no clue. Gary said that Sal isn't stupid, he thinks that he's lazy. If he wanted to learn about it he could. Richard said that Sal doesn't have a lot of free time to do that though.
Sal said that he learns most of his news from the NY Post. He doesn't watch TV or anything like that. Gary said that Sal is always in the bathroom and he should bring something other than the paper or a comic book and read. Gary said that he just needs a little bit more knowledge. He knows that will never happen though. Richard was afraid that he was going to learn stuff and it would change him for the worse.
Jon said that he's relearning stuff from his kids again because they're studying stuff that he's basically forgotten about since he was in school. He enjoys that.
A caller asked Sal what he and his sons do together if he doesn't play sports or talk about stuff like politics with them. Sal said that he's gotten dressed up like KISS with them. He plays ball with them in the back yard, they play on the swings, he also plays a lot of chess with his one son. He said he also gives his kids guitar lessons, they play drums and stuff like that. He said his kids mean everything to him and he does what he can with them.
Jon asked Sal if his wife is more of a disciplinarian than him. He said that ever since the 143 thing, he thinks that they're pretty much equal. He'll take her side more often now. Benjy asked if he ever does corporal punishment on the kids. Sal said that he's never done that. Gary said that he's wanted to smack his kids but he's never done it. He said that it's humiliating to the kids when they do that stuff. Sal said that he used to get his ass beat when his father would go out and get a switch off a bush from the side of the highway. Richard said he had to go out and get his own switch.
Richard said he got his ass beat in school when he was about 7 or 8 after he had poured water on the floor. they pulled his pants down and whipped his ass in front of the class. He said that they used to have the paddle back then too and they'd paddle them if they did something wrong.
Benjy said that he used to get the paddle in school and his father would slap his face when he was driving. Sal said his father beat the shit out of him in front of some cops one time and the cops didn't do a thing about it. He said that he had prank called his religion teacher and his father found out and beat his ass. He said they have a good relationship now even after all of that.
Sal said that his father beat him for the last time when he was about 16 years old. He said he was on his way to church that day and his father asked him to come work for him while he was working for his uncle. He ended up telling his father to fuck off and his father kicked his ass. He ended up pissing his parachute pants and had to go change. His father never told his mother what happened though. He said that in spite of all of that he loves his dad.
Benjy said that most guys who grow up like that are fighters. Sal said that he's a peace maker and he doesn't fight back. He's never raised his hand to his kids because he grew up with that stuff. Jon had to wrap up after that. He let everyone get in their plugs and ended the show.
Howard started the show talking about how great it was getting up so early in the morning with a smile on your face. He mentioned that comedian Earthquake was going to be stopping by today. He had a new TV series in the work but then the writer's strike happened and now it's on the shelf. He said he's not sure of the whole story there. Artie was doing his impression of Earthquake so Howard played some of his comedy bits that they've played in the past. They had him talking about Condoleeza Rice and doing the stuff that Artie was reciting just seconds before.
The guys like the way Earthquake says ''Condoleeza'' so they were repeating that a bit. They were also talking about some of the subjects that he was bringing up in his act. He was goofing on Michael Jackson in one bit that they played. That had Howard and Artie laughing pretty hard. Howard said he loves that guy and he'll be stopping by to say hello to them later.
Howard played another clip where Earthquake was goofing on John Kerry and Oprah Winfrey. He didn't remember hearing that one. He said that guy is something else and a very funny man. He said they'll talk to him about his TV show and hope that he gets something going when the writer's strike is over.
Howard said that there's an article about how they're hoping that he'll breathe come life into the show tonight when he's on. He didn't know that it was his job to help Letterman beat Leno but that's apparently what he's supposed to do.
Howard said he's going on the show to talk about SIRIUS, he may talk about Dr. Phil too. He said that he likes that he's screwed up the way he has. He said that the news reports are saying all kinds of shit about Dr. Phil and he likes that the shit storm is falling down on him.
Howard said that he may talk about Drew Carey and the great life he's having right now. He said he never thought that he could be a game show host himself because of his looks, meanwhile Drew Carey is having that career and he's not a great looking dude. He said that if Drew can do it he's pretty sure he could do it. He'd tower over all of the contestants though.
Howard said he has that Jewy look of his and that might not work. He said that the guy who hosted the Dating Game, Jim Lang, was a radio guy but he was really smooth. They talked about that guy and Chuck Woolery. Howard said that Drew is kind of chubby but that doesn't seem to matter and people are accepting him. He said the guy looks like a shop teacher or something.
Howard said that he hated shop and the smell of the wood in there. He couldn't build anything and it just wasn't fun in that class. He said that the other kids would beat him up when they got a free moment. The kids would also throw stuff at the teacher and things like that. Howard said that his teacher would take out his anger on him if the other kids were doing stuff too. He said his parents were like that also. If his father was yelling at him, his mother would yell at both of them instead of just his father whose fault it was.
Howard said that every morning he wakes up and just says a quiet ''fuuuck'' when he's getting up. He said he's just a miserable person and he hates getting up in the morning and coming to this show. Artie said that he's an evil prick when he gets up. He said that he'd get up in the morning and he'd make as much noise as he could to wake up Dana because she gets that extra hour of sleep.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they watch that show ''Wife Swap.'' The guys don't watch it so the caller explained how bad some of the parents are on that show. Howard said he doesn't watch the show but he knows the premise of it. He said that he never gets motivated to watch the show but he's heard some clips. He played one clip where the parents were talking about how looks are the most important thing. They wait on their daughter hand and foot and let her talk shit to them. They make every day like Christmas for her and they do all of her school work for her because she's got such a busy schedule.
Robin said that these parents are preparing this kid for disaster. Howard played another clip where they go out to a restaurant and the kid is ordering her food. The kid wants toast that is really, really light but just barely crunches. He was talking about that but then High Pitch Eric called in.
Howard said that if Eric presents that to a judge he's going to end up in the slammer. Eric said that this woman got really pissed off at him when he wouldn't hang out with her so that's why he called and threatened her. He said that he had taken her to one of Artie's shows a couple of months ago and he got her to meet a bunch of people and she didn't appreciate it. He said that he wasn't even into her and didn't want to have sex with her or anything. Eric said that he didn't want to hang out with her like she wanted to hang out with him.
Howard said that he could have just told her no. Eric said he did that but she would get pissed at him. Howard said it sounds like he likes this chick but Eric said that's not it. He said that she got mad at him for not bringing her up to SIRIUS when he did the Superfan Roundtable a few weeks ago.
Howard asked Eric if he wanted to come clean and tell them that he's really in love with her. Eric said he's not in love with her, he doesn't care about hanging out with her. Howard said he was going to play the messages again and ask him what they meant. Gary said that the clips that they have are 2 minutes long while they actually ran for 6 minutes. They had to cut them down.
Howard played the first message where Eric called this woman Laura a fuck face and a liar. He asked Eric what was going on with that one. Eric said that he told her that he had gotten fired and she called Howard 100 News and told on him after he asked her not to tell anyone. Howard played some of his other messages like one where he calls the woman a Jew and threatens her. Howard pointed out that Eric is Jewish himself so that didn't make much sense.
Eric also threatens to smash this woman's face into the pavement if she talks about his friends. Howard said he's like a mobster. Eric said that she talked about his friends and that's why he did that. Howard said that he shouldn't care that much. Howard asked him who she's talking to about his friends. Eric said she's talking to him. Howard told him he should just ignore it and get away from her if he doesn't like hearing that stuff.
Howard asked Eric who the woman was in the background on the phone. Eric said he was watching the news. Howard had to ask him to turn it down. Then Eric said that Eric the Midget was upset that Howard wasn't picking up his calls. Howard said he can't get to them all the time.
Howard asked Eric if he's been charged with anything. Eric said he's been charged with aggravated harassment and it's a class A misdemeanor. He said that's better than a felony. Duh. The guys told him they know about that but it's still wrong.
Artie said he remembers this chick and he was surprised that she was hanging out with him at the time. Howard thinks that Eric has been hanging out with this chick and he's thinking that he should be getting more out of her than he is. Howard asked Eric if that's the case. Eric said he never tried to kiss her and he never wanted to.
Sal came in and told Howard that he's right. He said that Eric met this woman at one of the shows he was at. She got to be friends with this guy Dennis, who drives him to gigs, and with Eric. Eric was threatening him because she was friends with that guy too. He said that Eric is nuts and he's lying about not liking this woman.
Howard played more of Eric's messages where he's threatening this woman. Artie said that he doesn't get this guy, he thought that he was kind of gay but this shows that he might be straight. Sal said that when Eric gets drunk he does hit on guys. He said that he was rubbing his cousin's feet and putting his hands through his hair in the limo. Eric denied that ever happening. He swore that he wasn't lying. Howard said that maybe Sal saw it wrong then.
Howard said that Eric is in a lot of trouble over this. Eric said he knows that. Sal told Howard that Eric was actually hired to work at the airport going through people's luggage at one point a few years ago. He was in charge of doing security there.
Eric said that he has to turn himself into the cops next week. He's not doing it this weekend because that's what his lawyer told him to do. Sal said he's doing that because he has a gig this weekend. Eric said that's not true. The guys talked to Eric about how he'll have to go in and get booked but he won't have to go to jail. At least that's what Eric is saying. He didn't seem so sure about that stuff though. He thinks he can get out on bail or maybe probation. Robin said that maybe it's a bench warrant or something. She wasn't sure of the procedures.
Howard told Eric to leave this chick alone, he's so in love with her. Eric said that he's not in love with her at all. Robin said if he's not, he's just plain crazy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he should bring him on Letterman tonight to explain himself. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that he's totally harmless and there's another girl in the mix who is causing problems. She said that Eric isn't going to hurt anyone. Howard said they know that but this woman shouldn't have to hear this stuff on her answering machine.
Mariann asked what time she should be at Letterman tonight with her big sign. Howard told her he's not going to be there, she doesn't have to show up. He let her go and took a call from Dominic Barbara. Dominic said that this is big trouble and it could elevate to a felony level if he makes more calls after the whole thing goes through. Dominic sounded like he was half asleep while he was explaining this stuff. He told Eric that if he can't control himself he may get into some big trouble. He said that he doesn't think that the charges are only a misdemeanor and it may already be a felony.
Joey Boots called in and said that Eric is retarded. He said that anyone who would leave message on a voice mail like that has to be retarded. He said he had Eric convinced to smuggle heroin in condoms and to kill Mike Gange one time when he prank called him. That's how retarded he is. He said that he doesn't mean to demean Eric but he really does think that he's retarded.
Howard asked Eric how much 8+9 was. Eric got it right so Howard said maybe he's not retarded. Joey said that they should send him to a doctor. Howard asked Eric what 9X9 is and he got that right too. Howard was afraid that he was smarter than they think he is.
Joey said that if she was really scared by these messages, why would she post them on youtube? Howard said they can't blame the girl. She said that she's just a star fucker who is using Eric. Howard that's not right to blame her like that. Eric was wrong here and she can't take the blame.
Howard asked Eric some more questions and he was getting them right. Howard asked him what noise a chicken makes. Eric didn't know what sound a chicken makes though. Howard thought that Eric sounded pretty bright to him before that. Joey was saying that this chick is a star fucker but Howard said that she did nothing wrong. Howard asked where the ''star'' is in this star fucker thing. Howard let Joey go after that.
Howard told Eric that this is serious and he has to throw himself on the mercy of the court. Eric said he knows that. He said that he loves Howard and he gave him a great chance to be on his show. Howard told Eric to just calm down and tell the court what the deal is. Eric said that he'll keep them posted on it. Robin told him to call from prison but Eric said that he can't do that.
Howard and Robin told him to let his lawyer do all of the talking. Eric told Howard that he can be seen on the Johnny Fratto Social Club web site. Eric asked him to pick up on Eric the Midget so he wouldn't get mad.
Eric was also saying that Howard was supposed to pick up the calls in order, it was supposed to be him first, then Johnny. Howard said he didn't know there was an order to the calls. He wasn't informed about that.
Howard said that he doesn't know what he did wrong here. Eric said that Howard upset his friend Kendra by asking if she was a porn star. Eric said that she was very upset by that but Howard didn't know anything about her. He told Eric that she's not his girlfriend like he was claiming she was. Eric hasn't even met her in person yet. He's only spoken to her on the phone and in his chat. Howard said that he's being fucked with. Eric said he's not though.
Eric said that he's not ''Eric the Midget'' either. He's ''Eric the Actor.'' Howard said he's Eric the Midget no matter what he says. Artie added that he's ''Eric the Dickhead Midget'' after that.
Eric was arguing about this Kendra chick being a porn star so Gary came in and said that she's got some pictures of herself up on the site that show her doing pornographic stuff. Eric got really angry and yelled at them. He said that she never shows her nipples and never does anything pornographic on her web site. The guys said that she's doing soft core porn then.
Howard said he doesn't care if this chick is a porn star or not. He doesn't even know who she is. Howard said he doesn't owe anyone an apology because all he did was ask a question. He said that he just saw the picture of her and she's got her top off and she's in her panties.
Howard asked Eric if she's really in a relationship with him. Eric said that is what's going on. Artie asked him if she knows that he paints his hair. Eric was silent for a moment when that was asked. Howard and the guys were goofing on Eric but Eric wasn't taking it very well this morning. He was very angry about this Kendra thing.
Howard asked Eric how he met this chick. Eric said that it was through this JFSC web site. High Pitch said that there are some other hot chicks who come in that chat too.
Howard asked Eric when he's going to meet this Kendra chick. He said ''hopefully soon.'' He claims she's his girlfriend but he hasn't met her in person. He said that he got a call from her last Wednesday night and talked to her for 2 and a half hours. Howard asked him when they told each other that they were falling in love. Eric said that was on Sunday night.
Eric said that he never said he loved this girl, he just asked her if she would be his girlfriend. Robin said that's what happens in these sex phone calls that some people do on the web. Howard wondered if she's exclusive to Eric. Eric seems to be under the impression that she is.
Howard said that Eric was turning more and more red as this was going on. Artie thought that he was picking his zit too but Eric said he was just trying to calm down. He went on to say that he hopes to get married to this chick eventually. Artie told him that there's a better chance of her marrying a coyote.
Jessica Hahn called in and asked Eric if this Kendra was the girl that was with Hugh Hefner. Eric was gone because Howard had accidentally hung up on him. He said he didn't do that intentionally. He thanked High Pitch for the call and let him go a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard has created a monster with this guy. He said his problem is that he's never been smacked. Artie said that God smacked him pretty hard. The caller thinks that Eric is delusional and there's no way that this chick is rally going to date him. Robin said that it is funny that he thinks that she's actually going to date this woman. She said that it's probably not even her real name. She wondered if he's paying for these phone calls to this girl.
Howard said he wished that he hadn't hung up on him, he didn't mean to. He said that it would be nice if Eric could have that kind of love that Robin and Jim Florentine have. Artie said that Jim called him last night but they ended up playing phone tag. He said that Jim left him a message saying that it was the deep thinker calling. He said that was pretty funny. Robin said that she's as delusional as Eric is thinking that Jim is a deep thinker. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Lisa G wore red just to stand out in the photo. He had her come in with her Howard 100 news preview. She said that she looks like she was photoshopped into the picture because she stands out so much. Howard said that she does look like she's blocking Robin out. Howard said that she craves attention and that's what happens when she does it.
Artie said that he wasn't even in the picture. He said that he was in the back but then they saw that he was in that shot that they were looking at. Howard said that he didn't want to take that photo yesterday, he wasn't into it at all. He said that Lisa looked very pretty and she looked like she was very into getting the picture taken.
Howard said that they were standing there and Gary got a hold of him and he was directing him where to stand. He said that he didn't know why he was listening to him. He said he just went to the back because he's super tall.
Lisa said that when they do pictures with politicians, they just leave a space for them to pose in. She thinks that they should have done that for Howard. Howard said he doesn't care, it's all about solidarity and it's not just about him.
Howard said that Lisa was in the photo from last year too. He said that she's very funny because she's always front and center. She thought that it was because of her big head but that's not it at all. Howard said that Lisa is the center piece. It's like the picture was based on her.
Gary asked if they knew how much the cake was that they had there yesterday. Howard guessed $1000 at one point and that's how much it was. Gary said they went to Martha Stewart's cake maker and that's why it was so much.
Lisa got to her news preview and said that Scott DePace is going to a trade show next week and he'll be pushing his Video Caddy product. He's claiming that he's turning a profit already with sales but he won't say how many he's sold. Artie said that the one he bought was stolen from where he was keeping it in the studio.
Lisa said that they have a story about Adam Buckman talking about how bad some of the late night shows have been without writers. She said that Buckman said some nice things about Howard when she spoke to him. Howard wrapped up after that and found out that JD was the one who had Artie's Video Caddy. He came in and told him that he had it with him.
Howard said the guy looks kind of like that Grizzly Adams guy with the beard and all. He let the song play through quite a bit and said that he likes that he took a song that you don't think could be acoustic and made it work. He said that it shows how good the song is. Robin said that the lyrics don't make any sense though so that's the only problem with the song. She said that it sounded weird to her. Fred said it was a nice vibe and the guy has some other songs in iTunes with his band.
Artie said that if he saw this guy playing, he'd probably pull a Belushi and take the guitar and smash it. He said he was trying to concentrate on the lyrics but Howard was talking over them. Howard said he never listens to the lyrics but Artie said he has to have listened to Beatles lyrics and stuff. Howard said he rarely does.
Howard got back to the Wife Swap clips where this family was talking about how they coddle their daughter. Howard was going to go back and repeat the clips that he's already played but then he realized that Joey Buttafuoco was calling in.
Howard said that this guy is allegedly releasing the tape without Joey's permission. They had Rob on the phone to talk to him. Joey said that he hasn't been able to get in touch with him but Howard was. Howard got Rob on the phone and asked him what's going on there.
Joey said that he's a fucking scumbag and he's going to see him in Vegas tomorrow and he's going to find him and he's going to crush his head. Howard let the two of them go at each other for a minute and then said that this was the worst acting he's ever heard.
Howard said that Joey is obviously in on this and they can cut the horse shit with him. He said that he knows that they're in on this together. He said that Gary told him that the porn was taped so well that it couldn't have been done secretly. Howard said that a tape like that can't be released without permission and it's obvious that they're working together.
Howard asked Joey if he wanted to come clean and admit that it was set up. Joey was off the phone by that point so Gary told him that he did that because he was ''angry.'' Gary said that Joey called him yesterday and told him how angry he was and how he wasn't able to get in touch with Rob. Meanwhile, he gave him his number and he was able to set up the whole thing within 11 minutes.
Joey called back in and said that he doesn't want any of this shit and he doesn't need this crap going on. He said that he doesn't want this tape to come out but no one was trying to get a cease and desist. Joey claims that he just found out about this two days ago and that's why there's no cease and desist. He said that he just heard that he was shopping it around and that's what's going on there.
Fred said that the people who are distributing this tape are the same ones who are distributing the Amy Fisher tape. Joey said he knows nothing about that. Robin asked about what was going on with Joey and Amy a few months ago and how they were going to be leaving their wives and husbands for each other. Joey said that they didn't want to go down the road that the creep David Krief was going with that stuff.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that if this is true and the sex was taped without his knowledge, he could have this guy arrested. He was also saying that he thinks that he was used by Amy Fisher getting her out of jail and he apologized to Mary Jo about that. No one was sure what he was talking about when he said that though.
Howard played a clip of Joey banging his wife in this porn video. They watched the clip in the studio and Gary pointed out that they were in the frame perfectly and the room was lit great. The only thing missing was the guy with the clapper thing according to the guys.
Bong Hit Eric called in and said that this was obviously acting. Joey told him that he's not acting and this caller was an asshole. He said he was going to hang up because he doesn't have to deal with this shit. He was gone a few seconds later. Howard asked this guy Rob if he was in business with Joey or not. Rob said ''absolutely not'' and denied being in cahoots with him over this tape. No one was believing that though.
Artie said that the funny thing is that Rob and Joey are probably on the phone with each other asking how that call went. Howard said that if he's wrong, he apologizes, but he's going to have a hard time convincing him that they're not working together on this tape.
Artie said that this is a real insult to Joey's kids. He said that he must think they're stupid to believe that this is really going on.
Eric said that it's Kendra's 24th birthday this weekend and he's hoping to be able to get her something. Artie said that each year she's been alive equals one inch of Eric's height. Eric said that he's taller than 24 inches and called him a fat ass.
Richard came in and asked Eric if he could have a password to get into Kendra's web site so he can jerk off to her. He said that she doesn't get down to any more than a bra. She doesn't get naked. Richard asked him why he thinks that people subscribe to her on a web cam if she's not getting naked. He thinks that she's just nice to talk to. Richard said that she's topless on her web site, KendrasSecret.com.
Howard asked Eric if he's jerked off to this chick. Eric said he wasn't going to say. Artie asked him if his bed's new name is Kendra. Eric didn't respond. Howard wished Eric luck with all of that and let him go a short time later. He said that he does have a little relationship going there and he hopes that it blossoms. He had to take a break after that.
After the break we heard an ''Ask the Retards'' bit where Wendy and Gary the Retards were asked about diarrhea. We also heard a prank call the guys made using some Ol' Dirty Bastard audio clips. Howard came back a short time later and brought up the Wife Swap clips again. He said he never watches that show but Gary and JD were playing him some clips that were kind of interesting. They get some wacky parents on that show. He said that this one couple he was talking about earlier are coddling their daughter, who is about 13, and they spoil her rotten. He said that they bring in another mom to discipline her on this Wife Swap show.
Howard replayed some of the clips that he played earlier in the show before he was cut off. He played the clip where the mother is doing her daughter's homework and things like that. Then he played the clip where the kid is asking for her toast very lightly toasted. Then they play a clip where the kid gets upset that her Christmas tree was taken away from her and told that no one was going to do her homework for her when the new mom comes in to take over.
Howard said he might have to start watching that show now that he's heard some of this stuff. Gary said he watches it and he's seen them put some slightly anti-Semitic people in Jewish families and things like that.
Howard played another clip where this girl is being asked some questions about history and things like that. The new mother makes her do her own homework and talks about how she can't even spell America. The girl wasn't able to complete sentences and things like that either.
There was another clip where they take the kid to a restaurant to apologize to a waitress she had insulted. She ended up crying. Howard said he might have to start watching that show. Robin told him that he won't like it because she saw it last night and one mother was bigger than the other.
Howard and the guys were talking about some new show where they have some dopey celebrities doing stuff. That led to Howard saying that he thinks that Pam Anderson might be kind of out of it. He just read that she might be pregnant again.
JD came in and said that he was on Pam Anderson's web site and she's got some blogs on there and her entry for today was simply ''No.'' That was it, just the word No. He said that she doesn't really open up about anything either. She just posts real quick comments about going on trips and stuff.
Howard heard that JD blogs on his Myspace page. Howard asked to see some of that stuff so he could read it.
Howard read an e-mail about how he had asked Artie to learn chess to take up some of his free time so he doesn't end up weeping on the foot of his bed. The writer suggested that they take up poker or something. Artie said that he's going to have a card table room in his house and he won't be too far from Atlantic City so they can do that this summer. Howard said he'd go to A.C. with Artie and they don't have to wait until summer to do that. They should just go. He and Artie had some fun in the past playing poker so they want to do that again.
Howard and Artie talked about going down there with Stuttering John one time and how John thought he had a flush but it turned out he was wrong. He ended up getting all flustered when he realized his mistake. Howard said that they had a bunch of guys down there and they all sucked at poker. He said that Gary was out of his mind with his betting and he ended up wiping him out pretty quick. Gary came in and talked about that with Howard.
Howard was goofing on Gary about his poker playing and how bad he was. That led to Fred playing some Baba Booey song parodies. Howard said he has to be good playing cards because his father used to yell at him about his playing when he was a kid. He said that they'd play all different types of card games when he was a kid.
Howard said that he could beat anyone at Gin Rummy. Artie said that he was pretty good at it. That led to the guys talking about games like Pinnacle and how it seems like no one even plays anymore. Gary asked Howard what the most fun day he ever had with his father was. Howard said they never had fun. He said that he and his father never spent any time alone together. He said that the card games were in front of the rest of the family so his father could humiliate him in front of everyone. He said that wasn't fun either.
Robin said that her father used to have her brother hang out with him and wash the car and stuff like that. Howard said that his father had no patience for him. He said they never really did anything together. He said they went to a movie together once and it turned into a disaster. He said they saw Barbarella together and it was very uncomfortable watching it together. He said they never went to another one together. Gary said that he and his father would go to that kind of stuff all the time.
Howard and his father never had much to talk about and they'd avoid putting each other in that position where they'd have to sit down and talk.
Artie said that his father would take him to Rickles (a hardware store) and have him be the look out while he stole a hammer. He said his father was like a klepto and had to rip stuff off all the time. He said he was about 10 years old at the time and had some fun being the lookout. He said that they played baseball every weekend too so they had a lot of good times together.
Howard said that he can't blame his father for not wanting to hang around him. He said that if he had a son, he'd love the kid and would probably hang out with him. He said he does that with his daughters. He said they're the ones who don't seem to want to hang out with him. He said that maybe he's the problem, not the other people. Robin said that maybe he was a problem child and that has never gone away. Howard said he's still miserable when he goes out with people. He said he'll make plans and when the time comes, he just wants to get it out of the way.
Howard said that Earthquake was there so they had to get to him. Fred said they had to take a break first. Artie wanted to know if Earthquake hung out with his father. He said it sounds like he did from the stuff they've heard in his comedy act. Howard said they'll ask him about all of that when they get him in there.
Ben said that he also took Howard to see some plays and things like that as well. They did spend time together so he was full of it saying that he never spent time with him. Howard said that his father never liked hanging out with him, that's all he was saying. Howard said that they took him out with the family but they didn't spend a lot of time alone together. He said Ben never came into his room and asked him how he was doing or anything like that.
Ben said that he never had to ask Howard how he was doing, he could tell from his exuberance. He said he was also at work all day and didn't have time to do that kind of stuff. Howard said his father still doesn't call him and ask how he's doing. He said he calls his mother all the time and he never gets on the line. Ben said that she does all of the talking and she fills him in on what's going on.
Howard asked Ben if they've ever just gone out to eat or anything like that. Ben said that they haven't, he agrees with him about that. Howard said that he's like his father and his father is like him. They don't want to go out and hang out like other fathers and sons do.
Howard said that they could go to a basketball game or something but it'll just never happen. He said that no one asks him to go to so he doesn't ask anyone to go with him. Howard said that he wanted to hang with his father but he seemed irritated with him so he didn't want to go. Ben said that he did spend time with his son, that's all he wanted to say. Howard told him that he was a good dad, he wasn't saying he wasn't.
Howard said he never wanted a father who asks all of these annoying questions like other people have. He said he likes the way things went. He said that they have a great relationship now. He said they don't need all of that contact that other families have.
Robin said that Howard had lied because he actually did go fishing with his father. Howard said that he has a great relationship with him now and he loves him very much. He asked him for his views on what's going on in politics these days. Ben said that he's very confused by all of these people who want to run for President. He's not sure who he's going to vote for.
Howard talked to his dad about this merger thing too. Ben said that AT&T is a good example of how the government doesn't really care about big companies getting together. they broke them up years ago but now they're letting them get back together. He said that holding up this satellite radio merger is ridiculous. They spent a short time on that before Howard had to wrap up with him so he could get to Earthquake. He said he'd talk to Ben in another two years. Ben said this conversation should have been long enough to make it last for that two years. Ben told Howard he loves him as he was getting off the line.
Howard asked Earthquake about his divorce and what went wrong there. Earthquake said that things are getting good now and getting better for him. He said that his wife was really cruel after they split up. He said that she was calling him ugly and saying he had a small penis. He said that penis might be small sometimes but she didn't have to point that stuff out to him.
Earthquake said that he's been dating and he ends up getting ripped off. He said that he'll go out, meet a woman, take her home and when he wakes up in the morning all of his stuff is gone.
Howard said that Katt Williams was in there talking about how hard it is to be a black road comic because people will always try to rip him off. Earthquake said that's true. He said that he is a target in his community and had all of his stuff stolen recently. He said that you have to be very conscious about where you're at and who you deal with. He said that he's been playing in such dangerous places that his insurance company said they were going to cancel his life insurance policy.
Earthquake said that he's been going out with younger women and they're so energetic that they'll rip your ass up. Howard said that it must be tough being him. Earthquake said that he's dated some white women and his name scares them. Howard said that he's dated black women and it is different than dating a white woman. Earthquake said that a black woman doesn't believe anything you tell them so you have to have your story straight.
Earthquake said that he was a faithful husband but once he realized he dint' want to be with her anymore, she had to go. He said that she didn't want to be his wife anymore so he had to get out of that marriage. He said that he's not like these white guys who kill their wives though. He said that he could tell that she was done with him because he was getting signs pretty early on. He said they have kids together so he's got the kid telling him about her demands and stuff.
Howard asked Earthquake why he thinks his wife is being so mean during this divorce. Earthquake said that she thinks that he's talking about her in his act and stuff but he's really just talking about the experience. He said that he doesn't mention her name when he talks about the marriage and divorce. He said that he shouldn't have to pay her just because she thinks that he's not the right man for her. He doesn't get that shit.
Earthquake said that the white judge who handled his case treated him okay. He said that his wife was really good in court and she was so good that he was clapping for her. He said his first lawyer was incompetent and really screwed things up. He said that his new one is okay though and they're working things out now. He said that his wife was making a lot of wild claims about him being with transvestites and stuff like that. He said she made claims that just weren't true too. He said that she claimed he was hitting her and stuff but he never laid a hand on any woman.
Howard asked Earthquake about his TV show that's been put on hold because of the writer's strike. Earthquake said he got this big break and then the writer's went on strike. Howard said he knows the guy who was working with him on this new show. Earthquake said he had a great deal in order and he was about to make it but then two days later they went on strike. He said he never saw a cent because of that.
Earthquake said that he's going off to shoot a movie after he does this show. He's going down to Louisiana to shoot a movie with Ice Cube called ''The Come Back.'' He said they didn't even ask him to screen test or anything, they just hired him. He told Howard about the character he's playing and how he'll be part of the supporting cast.
Robin asked Earthquake if he just doesn't have the ability to pick the right woman. He said that must be the case. He really can't pick the right one, he picks women like Isaiah does.
Earthquake said that he's going to be away for 6 weeks shooting this movie. He said he had to leave his friends behind though because he only got one hotel room.
Howard said that Earthquake brought in a couple of his friends with him so he had them come in to say hello. He had one friend who opens up for him at comedy shows. He used to play both pro baseball and football. He got cut from both of those things so he got into comedy. He asked the guys what they say to Earthquake when they know about his divorce. One of the guys said that he's got a great wife and Earthquake wishes he had a woman like that.
Howard said that Earthquake has a black cloud following him or something because he's been ripped off by these women. Earthquake said that the one woman who stole from him while he was away was someone he met at church of all places. He said that she took so much that it was like a new house when he got home. He said that they took everything of value. She even took his weed, his safe and every TV in the house. Howard said that Earthquake has to get an empty apartment to bring these chicks to so he can test them out first.
Howard gave Earthquake a plug for a gig he's doing down at the House of Blues in Atlantic City this Saturday night. He said that's a fun place to see a show.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that he was a big fan and remembered a bit he did about OJ Simpson. That led to Howard talking about OJ and the trouble he just got into recently. Earthquake said that he and his mother had a falling out about the OJ murder case. He said he knew that OJ was guilty while his mother didn't believe it.
Howard asked Earthquake about the use of the N-word in his act. He pointed out that a bunch of people have stopped using it all together like Paul Mooney. He asked what he thinks about Michael Richards' using it. Earthquake said that he knows Michael and sometimes you'll do whatever you have to when you have people heckling you at a club.
Howard took a call from Earthquake's wife (Crazy Alice audio clips) and she was calling him names using the N-word and things like that. Howard said he didn't think that was really his ex-wife at all. Artie said that was someone's ex-wife though.
Howard told Earthquake he likes that he's still being edgy and doing his thing. He said that it's tough to make people laugh and get people out to the clubs. Earthquake said that people are going out to the clubs these days because they have to laugh so they don't cry with all of the crap going on these days.
Howard said that the guys in the office were kind of scared by the two guys who came in with Earthquake but he didn't understand that. He said that they were very nice guys. He spent a little more time talking to them.
Howard said that most people don't know that Earthquake was in the air force. He got out before they went to war again because he didn't want anything to do with that. He said that he actually dropped a nuclear weapon on his foot one time when he was loading them up. He said that he could have set it off and everyone went running when he did that. He said that he asked everyone why they were running because you can't outrun a nuclear blast. He said even if you're Carl Lewis you ain't gonna outrun a nuke.
Earthquake said that even the President knew about how he had dropped the nuke. He said that when you do something crazy like that, everyone knows about it. He said that they change the weapons in the planes all the time and that's all they were doing that day when he dropped the nuke. He said that he was in a rush to get out of there because he had a concert to go to that night.
Howard asked Earthquake what made him get out of the Air Force when he did. He said that he saw a briefing of what they were going to be up against and he decided that going up against people who were willing to blow themselves up wasn't for him. He said that they were calling him a coward and spitting on him but he didn't care, he just wanted to get the hell out. He was a Sargent at the time and doing pretty well. He said that he wasn't going to go and fight for oil though, he doesn't even have a car. He said that they can send other people over there to fight for that stuff.
Howard said he likes that Earthquake speaks up for himself about that stuff. He talked to him about that stuff for a little more time and also spoke to his friends that were sitting in. The guy who used to play football was on the Patriots but got bumped just 3 weeks before they won the Super Bowl. He got nothing from that win because he was off the team at that point. He didn't even get a ring. He said he got a phone call from the locker room and that was about it other than getting to party with the team.
Howard gave Earthquake another plug for his comedy show and started to wrap up with them a short time later. Howard had to hit the delay button on something that Artie said that must have been libelous or something. They were talking about some baseball player at the time. Earthquake's friend, Des White, had some stories about getting into football after playing pro baseball for a while. He didn't even go to college, he was signed to play baseball right out of high school. Artie told Earthquake to drop this guy and maybe 3 weeks later he'll win an Oscar or something. Howard wrapped up with everyone a short time later and went to break.
Artie told a story about Bono from U2 doing this really annoying thing up on stage at a show. He would clap every 20 seconds and then told the audience that every time he clapped a child would die in Darfur. He heard that someone in the audience told him to stop clapping then.
Howard said that he's been screaming about this Dr. Phil and Britney Spears thing lately and other people are starting to get in on that. He played some clips where some people were talking about how Dr. Phil really isn't a ''doctor'' with a license so they can't take a license away from him for doing what he's done with Britney. In this one report they talked about how he was reported by a patient of his and that's under review right now. They said that he may need a psychiatric evaluation.
Howard said that Dr. Phil is catching a shit storm and it's about time. He said he just doesn't like the guy. He's glad that they're all coming down on him now.
Howard said that he was thinking about going on Letterman tonight and announcing that he was Jaime Lynn Spears' baby's father. He wasn't sure if that would be a good idea though. Robin said they'd probably have to investigate him if he did that.
Artie said that there was a picture of Lindsay Lohan in the paper tody with some older dude. Howard said that she must be so nuts. He said if he had run across her when he was on his tear, he probably would have banged her.
Howard said that he had the band Yes on the phone to wish him a happy birthday. He picked up but it was actually Sour Shoes doing his Yes impression. He sang Howard some Yes songs and did an impression of the lead singer of the band. Then he broke into his Scott Ferrall impression for a few seconds. Howard thanked him for the call but Sour Shoes had some more impressions to do. He did his Mutt from Superfan Roundtable impression and some Crosby, Stills and Nash stuff.
Howard asked Artie how his grandmother is doing after she was mentioned. He didn't get a chance to respond because Sour Shoes was singing over him. Howard requested a song but when Sour didn't come through, he bailed on the call.
Gary told Howard that they heard that upper management was going to give Howard a bunch of talking points for tonight's Letterman appearance. Howard said he already got that list and he's been preparing. He said he's going to talk about how he's been there for 700 days and how they've gone from 700,000 subscribers up to 8.3 million. That's going to be the main talking point for him and he's going to tell Dave he'll be back there next year to fill him in on how many he has at that point.
Howard said that he has to be all neurotic for the rest of the day. He's got to try and take a nap and then go over there to do the show. Artie said that Steve should be a great help for all of that.
Howard said that he had some other facts about SIRIUS that they want him to talk about tonight. He said he could talk about how SIRIUS broadcasts from 3 satellites. He said that they really think that the whole conversation is going to be about SIRIUS over there at Letterman.
Howard was making up the conversation he was going to have with Dave and Fred started playing some snoring sound effects. Howard said he has a headache already thinking about this shit. He said that last time they made him bring the Stiletto with him to plug that. Artie told him he could bring the new one out tonight.
Robin said that tonight is the night that Jimmy Kimmel is going to be on Leno and Leno is doing Kimmel. Howard didn't know that's why they were having him on tonight.
Steve Langford said that they have a story about the target of High Pitch Eric's rage, Laura. She said that she had to call the cops after some of the threatening calls she's been getting, even after she filed the complaint. Steve also said that they have a story about a fan who saw Crazy Alice on a bus out in L.A. screaming out the word ''fag'' the whole time. They'll have more about that today on Howard 100 News. Steve said they also have KC Armstrong speaking out about his recent arrest. They're also going to be covering Howard's appearance on Letterman tonight. Steve also mentioned a story about George Takei that they'll be talking about.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll be talking about Earthquake's appearance, Joey Buttafuoco's call and much, much more.
Howard had Mutt on the phone to talk about what they had coming up. King of All Blacks is supposed to be on tonight. They're going to talk about the past 2 years there at SIRIUS and what the fans would like to see over the next few years. Mutt wished him good luck on Letterman tonight as he was saying goodbye. Howard wondered why he'd need luck.
Robin read a story about a comment that a Golf channel reporter made about Tiger Woods that got her into some trouble. She said something about lynching him in a back alley as a joke. She ended up getting suspended and had to apologize for what she said. Howard said it would have been great if Imus had said it.
Howard said that Sal's apology was much better than that woman's. That got Artie doing his impression of Sal making that apology and reciting some of the dumb lines that Sal had in that apology. Howard played the apology and goofed on Sal some more as that was playing. Sal had made a comment about Miss Howard Stern having a black baby because she had been drinking. They made him think that he was in trouble with management and had him record this apology. Then they told him that it wasn't good enough and had him record another one. Howard played that one as well where Sal freaked out that he didn't know what to say.
Artie said that was one of the funniest things ever. He and Howard goofed on Sal for a few minutes about what a dolt he is.
Robin got back to her news and talked a little more about that woman who was suspended from the Golf Channel. Howard said that she needs Richard in the room with her during her apology and played more of the Sal clip where he was all stressed out about his apology.
Robin read another story about how some restaurants are sticking their unpaid bills with the waiters and waitresses that take care of those customers. In another story she read about a Polish guy who went to a brothel and saw his wife there as one of the whores. She read another one about a man who microwaved his hand. She said that he cut his hand off and put it in the microwave. He cut it off with a circular saw and then threw it in and cooked it up.
Artie said that he had a good buddy who was a cop and he came across people who had microwaved their baby. He said there's nothing you can do to deal with that to get over what you see. Fred played some of JD's laughs after Artie told that story.
Robin read a story about a pig that had it's genes changed so it would glow in the dark and it passed it along to it's young. That's apparently good news for future genetic research and cloning pigs for human organ transplants.
Robin read another story about Tyra Banks and how empty she feels when she gets home and has no one there for her. She read another one about a guy who threw his 4 kids off a bridge and killed them down in Louisiana. She read some stuff about Barack Obama and how much hype he's been getting lately.
Through the news Fred was throwing in some clips from the Amy Fisher sex tape that had Artie cracking up each time he heard them.
Robin covered a story about President Bush warning Iran not to attack our ships over there. He's saying that there will be serious consequences if they do attack the ships. Robin read through some other stories about Britney Spears recent breakdown, Nicole Kidman's baby, the writer's strike and Keanu Reeves star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame or the End of Days according to Howard.
Robin read through some other stories about the new season of The Apprentice and had some clips to play. Howard played through those and said that none of those celebrities care about being the Apprentice. Robin also said that this new Terminator series is coming out but she thinks the kid is too old in the show. Howard said he saw the first two episodes and he likes it. They wrapped up the show a short time later, around 10:45am.
Jon said that Earthquake was on the show today and very good. Gary said that he thinks that this was one of his best appearances. He said he was very good and his friend was interesting too. Will came in and said that Earthquake is a really funny guy and he's just a naturally funny guy. Jon said that he and Howard seem to just click when they talk.
Gary said that some of the funniest comedians in the world haven't been invited back to the show because they don't fit in like guys like Earthquake do. They talked about Earthquake dropping the nuke on his foot and how funny that was.
Jon took a call from this guy Syrus who calls in very often. He said that you can tell when a guy is good on the show because Artie was awake and having a good time. He tends to get quiet if he doesn't like a guest. Gary said that he knows what he means but he can't think of anyone in particular who he's fallen asleep with. He said that Artie has no problem showing his disdain for guests. Syrus said that this was Earthquake's best appearance on the show today.
Jon asked about the Crazy Alice clip call that Sal had made during the Earthquake interview. Sal was going to call in with a bunch of other clips like stuff from that guy Hate Man. Will said that it was weird to have those Crazy Alice clips because Earthquake doesn't know who she is and that she's actually black.
Jon asked about the story about Earthquake's people being scary to someone there. Gary said he's not sure where that came from. He said that no one was scared as far as he knew. Gary said that the scariest entourage to ever show up was when Shaq came on their show over at K-Rock. He said that there were a couple of guys with him who didn't care that they were on the air and came right into the studio. Gary said that he put the microphone up to the guy when he was on his cell phone in the studio and the guy told him to ''turn that fucking thing off'' so he did it.
Ralph called in and said that the black entourages are usually more uppity than other entourages. Will said that Ralph is really racist and he's much more hateful than Sal is. He said that Sal isn't racist at all. Will said that Ralph said something about Barack Obama when he was on hold the other day that creeped him out.
Gary asked if Ralph uses the N-word. Ralph said he doesn't really use it in that way that he thinks he does, but he did say something about one black guy on the subway the other day and muttered the N-word under his breath. Sal found that shocking and said that Ralph used that word just based on the guy's look. Ralph said that the guy was playing a PSP on the train and that was annoying so he got irritated with him.
Ralph asked if Earthquake comes in and wants to talk about anything in particular. Will said that he did say he wanted to talk about the divorce and the new movie he's shooting. that was about it. The rest of the stuff Howard came up with on his own. Ralph said he must be pretty quick because a lot of that stuff sounded like stuff that they set up ahead of time.
Sal said that they get a lot of guests on the show who should be entertaining but they turn out to be boring. He mentioned Will Ferrall as one of those ''eggs'' that they get on the show. He also mentioned David Cross who is a funny comedian but he was like a pawl bearer when he was in. The guys also said that Richard Jeni wasn't all that good when he was on the show. Gary said that something just happened to him when he came in.
Gary said that Sam Kinison was one of those guys who didn't need a pre-interview and could just talk to Howard for a long time. They talked about how good Earthquake was talking about his divorce. Sal said that Ralphie May was another comedian who wasn't that good on the show even though he's really funny on stage. Gary agreed with that.
Will said that he didn't think that she was being racist and agreed with the guy. Gary said that he thought that it was blown out of proportion a bit. He said that the fun was hearing her trying to apologize about it.
Another caller said that Robin read another story about Keanu Reeves getting the star on the walk of fame but didn't talk about the former Mayor dying last night. The guy said she left that out of the news story. The caller thought that it was odd that she didn't mention that in the news. Gary said he's got to have a big sit down with Robin about this huge story.
Jon thanked the guy for his call and asked Gary if he had his notes for Robin. He said he did and he didn't think that it was that big of a story that Robin should have known about it.
Will said that he's irritated by Lisa quite often. He said that she's got some very Yenta qualities that are irritating to him. Gary said that he was more humored by that than anything. He wasn't irritated by her running to the middle spot there. Will said that she's great on the show, he's not saying that she's not. Gary said that Lisa is a bit of a princess and that's a fun element for the show.
Gary said that he didn't recognize a lot of people in that photo they took yesterday. Sal said that High Pitch Mike was only in the picture with a profile so he wondered if he did that to hide his googly eye. He also said that Robin had to poke her head past Lisa G to get into the picture. Gary said that the photo should have been better engineered than it was. He said that they had everyone storm in quickly and then the photographer took the shot real quick. No one organized it at all.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Scott the Engineer was in the picture. Gary thought he wasn't but it turns out he was. Sal asked if Ralph should have been in the picture. Gary said he should because he is part of the family there. Ralph was back on the phone and said that they should have planned that better than they did. He said that he went to the back of the group because he knows to do that because he's so tall. He said he does photo shoots all the time and they could have arranged that better than they did. He said it was a huge fuckin mess and kind of funny.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Otto and George is one guest that they have that seems to choke on the show. Gary said that he's different though. He's so easy to get pissed off on the show. He said that if anyone calls and says anything negative toward him, he gets pissed and stops using the puppet's mouth completely.
Sal said that Darrell Hammond is another guy who is tough to work with from what he can tell. Gary said that he does deliver though, you just have to prepare and prod him a little bit.
Jason came down with the picture from yesterday. Sal went off on him and told him to go back to blogging. They went back and forth for a few seconds before Jon moved on.
Jason said they have to stop talking about Eric being retarded. the guy is a scam artist and he's much smarter than you think. Gary said that's true, he does pull off a lot of scams and stuff. Sal said that they've had Eric do some stuff that only a retarded guy would do though. He's very gullible and will do some strange things if they tell him to.
The guys said that they don't think that Eric would follow through on his threats to kill or beat the shit out of that woman. Some of the guys don't think that he has one violent bone in his body and he couldn't hurt anyone. Some of the guys think that he's just not very bright and he doesn't know what he's doing when he makes threats like that. Benjy said that he's not sure if Eric knows what the difference is between right and wrong.
A caller said that Eric has no idea what he's gotten into. He thinks that he's going to get jail time because he had something similar happen to him when he made some threats toward someone on the phone. He said he went to jail for 6 months but that was in Pennsylvania. The caller said that he's probably going to be sent in for a psychiatric evaluation and if he's not a psycho, he probably will do some time.
The caller had a joke for the guys and asked what they were going to get if Barack Obama got elected as President. He said ''An Obama-nation'' which got no laughs. Gary thought it was kind of clever though. They had to go to break after that.
Benjy said that he was shocked because Joey is of such high morals. Benjy said that there was a tiny part of him that thought that he was telling the truth but he wasn't convinced. Gary said that it was the brightest sex tape he's ever seen. Benjy said that it was actually framed better than their group shot from yesterday. It looked like it was professionally shot and that's why Gary wasn't convinced.
Jon played a clip where Howard told Joey that this acting was so bad that he wasn't convinced. Joey ended up hanging up on him because of that.
Will said he thought the whole thing was hilarious. Gary said that he used to deal with a company that put out tapes like that and more times than not, the celebrities are in on the release. He said that there was a girl from Survivor that had a tape out but it turned out that no one cared. Will said he thought the Paris Hilton tape was really leaked. Gary said he agreed with that. He said that there are others that have come out that the celebrities are in on.
Gary said that his favorite part of the Paris Hilton tape is when she's getting banged from behind and moaning and then all of a sudden she sees she's out of frame and puts the camera back on herself.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Ralph is a total racist. He thinks that if he was upset with the fat guy, he should just call him a fat fuck, not use the N-word. He was also saying that he's been arrested a couple of times and he knows what's going to happen to Eric. He said that he won't go to jail at all because he doesn't have a record. Gary said that Eric has been arrested before but didn't go to jail. The caller doesn't think that he did anything that will get him time in jail. He said that he'll probably have to go to a therapist or something.
Gary asked the guy what he got arrested for. He said he beat the shit out of some kid when he was 18. He hit the guy with a wrench and knocked him out. Gary said that he's never thought about picking up a wrench to hit someone. The caller said he got caught underage gambling down in Atlantic City. He said that he ended up getting arrested for it, he figured he would just get kicked out.
Gary said that everyone has a different view of what porn is and this girl is in porn, just like the girls who appear in Playboy are. JD said that if she does web cam shows, she's in porn. He said that Eric thinks that the world has to revolve around him and he doesn't like him because of that.
Gary said that he's made a complete turn around on Eric and he loves hearing him on the show now. He hated him a few months ago but now he loves hearing him call in. He said that the video might be helping.
Ralph called back in and said that he likes to hear Eric but he's really thinking that he deserves to be on the air. Ralph did an impression of Eric for a few seconds and then said he had to explain himself about the N-word thing that he was talking about earlier. He explained that this guy that he saw was a real low life and that's why the N-word went through his head. Gary told him that was well explained and thanked him for that.
Sal said that he thinks that Ralph is full of shit and they should do a bit where they bring in some black guys and have him try to figure out if they've got a good job or not. Gary said they've had that game on hold for a while now and it's called Doctor or Door Man and they'd have people try to guess if the black guy is either of those.
A caller asked about an old bit that they did and how he'd like to hear it in a replay sometime. Jon told him to e-mail the tapes team and they may take his request. He also talked about some of the other great stuff they've been doing there. You can mail them at TheTapes@howardstern.com
Ivy said that she thinks that the only way she's going to get Benjy is to treat him like a man whore and pay him for his services. She said that he really does have great hands and this way she can separate her feelings from him and use him in the way she wants.
Ivy asked Benjy what he thinks. Benjy said that they really get along and they do make a great couple. Gary heard that Benjy is still on the J-Date web site. Ivy said that he put her on that site too and she actually met a guy through there.
Benjy was saying that he and Ivy work together as a casual couple. Ivy was saying that he tells her that he loves her when they're in bed together. Benjy said that they have ''love for each other'' but he's not in love. He said that they both have loving feelings for each other and that's it. Ivy said that she has love for other guys too but she doesn't have to say ''I love you'' to them. Jon had to let her go and Benjy told her ''I have love for you..'' as they were getting off the phone.
Jon asked Gary about the card games that Howard was talking about this morning. Gary said that he's not that concerned with winning like Howard is. It's all about winning for Howard but not for Gary. He said that when he plays he's just having fun. Shuli said that he used to play a lot out in Vegas and he thinks that he could take both Howard and Artie.
Sal said that he, Jon and Howard were playing last year and one of the guys blew Howard right out of the game when he came up with a great hand. It was Doug Herwitt who runs Howard's web site that had done that and Sal goofed on him before Jon had to end the show.
Howard started off the show talking about last night's Presidential debates. He thinks that Gore came off better than Bush did. He read that it was pretty much a draw though. Robin said that he should ignore the reporters views because they're usually not in touch with what the public thinks.
Gary and Benjy were bringing up some of the stuff they saw during the debate. Gary had a lot of details about what had gone on.
Everyone came in to give their views about the debate. KC even had a written list of odd things he saw during the debate. He pointed out how Gore was wearing too much makeup. Howard said it looked like a mortician had made him up.
KC also pointed out the spittle that Bush had following his lips around and gathering up in the corners of his mouth. Most of the notes KC took seemed to center around Gore's makeup for some reason. He also noticed how when one candidate would talk the other one would just make faces. He also wondered what they were writing down on their note pads during the debate. Howard suggested that they were probably writing ''KC is gay'' on those pads.
KC also said that the host of the debates, Jim Lehrer, had no control over them. Howard also added that the guy was very disturbing to look at. He said he had eyes like a shark. Some of KC's other observations:
Scott DePace from E! came in and made some arguments in favor of Bush but Howard didn't really want to hear them. Howard always brings up the abortion issue as the main reason to vote for Gore. DePace doesn't agree with abortion so he goes with Bush.
Gary came in and said that he's going to try to meet with Al Gore at some event that Program Director Steve Kingston was invited to. He asked Kingston if he could go with him and Kingston told him he could if he pretends to be someone else. They went to break a short time later.
Howard had a clip of his favorite guy from the ''Sexiest Bachelor'' show that was on Fox the other night. His favorite was the guy wearing the clam digger pants and sandals. Howard said that when you're that good looking you must just be stupid. This guy sounded really dopey and had to think about simple answers way too long.
The guys spent a couple minutes talking about baseball. Gary came in and brought up some stuff before Howard got to the phones.
Howard took some phone calls and had some people asking about the debates last night. One guy told Howard that he's gay and always talking about dudes on the show. Howard told the guy to bring his mother down there and he'd see just how gay he is. He said he'd take her into the bathroom and take care of her and then pass her along to Jackie.
One caller asked Howard if he would nail a porno star. Howard said that he doesn't have any porn stars coming on to him and he wouldn't want to follow 500 other guys who they've been with. He said that Jenna Jameson did his movie but she didn't even come on to him. He said that she talked to him and just hung out with him. He said he's just like any other guy, no chicks are coming on to him.
The caller wanted to be hooked up with a porn star so Howard said he may be able to help him out because Kendra Jade is going to come in and play a game where someone will win the chance to have anal with her. Howard had the guys get this guy's name down as a possible player in that game.
(The following was edited out of the Master Tape replay. Are they trying to erase history?) Howard took a phone call from a guy who wanted to know what happened to Crazy Cabbie. Howard said he's heard from Cabbie but he hasn't had a chance to talk to him yet. Gary came in and said that he still hasn't gotten back to him about signing the papers that will help him find his birth parents. He said he's a funny guy that way. He seems interested but he won't return the paperwork.
John said Gary took 20 minutes to pick out the clothes and they weren't that great. They didn't have the right clothes for the golf course so the guys who won the charity thing paid for their clothes. Gary got a bright yellow shirt so John said that they were calling him a lightbulb.
They were all goofing on each other about everything that was going on there. Gary said that John had a lot to drink on the course and then smoked some weed before going to dinner. Then they had dinner and he had a martini and even more beer. He told Howard that he had 6-10 beers on the course, then he smoked 2 joints, then had a martini and another 5 beers.
Gary thinks that John is an alcoholic but John says he's not. After hearing the story Howard agrees that he's got a problem. John says that he didn't stay out late so he wasn't late for work or anything. Gary said that John was actually very upbeat when he came in this morning.
John said that Jackie even stopped at a place to pick up a six-pack for the road while they were driving home. So maybe both of them have a problem.
The guys talked about John's house and the mess he has over there. He just moved into that place and it's still a mess. He wants to have a party there so Howard said he has to go to see what's going on over there.
This morning the stripper he performed the oral on came in to give the true story. 19 year old Alexis the stripper from American Strippers (DialADancer.com) came in to give her side. She claims that Benjy did use some kind of plastic, in the beginning of the oral. It didn't stay in the whole time. She also said that Benjy gave her the best oral she's ever had. She claims she had 12 orgasms!
Alexis even said she'd hang out with Benjy again. The two of them have kept in touch since that night but they haven't hooked up again because their schedules don't line up.
Stephen Baldwin called in and said ''Benjy for President!'' after hearing all of this. Howard said he guesses he has nothing else to add to the conversation. He let him go a few seconds later. Stephen said a quick ''thank you'' before Howard hung up on him.
Benjy continued to ask why it's a big deal that he performed oral on this girl. Howard told him that it's the fact that he didn't think about what he was doing and that it was in front of people he works with that makes it so disturbing.
Alexis stuck around and even kissed Benjy one time before she left. Howard and the crew all thought that looked disgusting with fat Benjy kissing her. Alexis also demonstrated her rapping abilities by doing a little free style rap. She was pretty good. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard took some phone calls and let some people comment on the debate discussions. The callers were giving their thoughts on the debates and how they went.
Howard also talked about this guy David Alan Coe and how he's not the guy known as Johnny Rebel. He said that David will be coming on the show to defend himself against those claims. Howard gave a couple of programming notes and mentioned some of the stuff they had coming up soon.
Howard said he had some Kathie Lee tapes to play today. He said that she's dropped her Gifford name for her CD release. He played the clip of her talking about why she did that. She also said that she wants everyone to get out of her life. Howard had another clip of Kathie Lee talking about going on the Today Show to perform her songs instead of going on Regis' show.
Howard had another Kathie Lee clip where she talks about her song ''We Don't Make Love Anymore'' and what that's all about.
One guy does all of the customer service voices for these calls and he's great. He managed to get a phone number that's similar to a popular shipping service's customer service number. He gets the people who dial the wrong number and pretends to be the shipping service. This process turns out some great phony phone calls.
Howard also had a bunch of tapes of Tommy Lasorda freaking out on reporters that he played for a while. Lasorda goes off on people when he's asked questions he doesn't like. Howard had about 4 different tapes of that stuff as well as a couple of Stuttering John tapes where Lasorda tells him to get away from him.
Gilbert eventually went back to his normal voice and spoke to Howard for a couple of minutes. Howard heard that Gilbert is getting married but Gilbert said he knows nothing about that. He does have a long time girlfriend but he's not planning on getting married. He did a little bit of his infamous ''Dracula Gottfried'' for Howard and said that he did that for the upcoming Halloween episode of ''Hollywood Squares''. He said they dressed him up as Dracula for Halloween and he did his impression once and people were staring at him. Howard had to go to break before Magic came in.
Howard recently read that Magic is the most successful African American man in America. Magic told Howard about all of his businesses. Howard said that he's a brave guy for opening up his Magic Johnson theaters in the inner city sections. Magic said he doesn't have any problems with people shooting screens like Howard said happened at the theaters in his neighborhood when he was a kid. Magic said people respect the theaters because they entertain and bring jobs to their neighborhoods. Magic said that he's in on the theaters 50-50 with Sony and they're already turning a profit.
Magic also owns about 20 Starbucks coffee shops as well as a couple of TGI Friday's restaurants. He said he's the only partner that Starbucks has. Howard asked him why the endorsements have gone away lately. Magic said he's still got a few but that's not his main focus. He enjoys the other businesses he runs.
Howard also spoke to Magic about basketball and how he owns 5 percent of the Lakers. Magic said that's another big money maker for him. They spent a few minutes discussing how great the Lakers are. They also spent a couple of minutes talking about Dennis Rodman. Magic said he likes Dennis but he was kind of out of control and that's why he didn't last with the Lakers.
Magic told Howard that he was disappointed this morning because there were no women there for him to check out. Howard said he had a stripper in earlier but, since he was late, he missed out on it. Magic is participating in the 1st Annual 3 on 3 Wall Street Classic in New York City on October 28. You can find out more info at PrinceMarketingGroup.com. Magic said people will get the chance to play against him and two other NBA stars in the charity event.
Magic talked a little bit about his failed TV show and how it helped him out. He said after the show failed his other businesses took off so he's not upset about losing it. He said it just wasn't his thing. He gave it a try and it didn't work out for him. He and Howard were getting along really well so Howard said he should have co-hosted with Magic. Magic said he'd probably still be on the air if he'd had Howard as a co-host.
Howard heard that Magic is doing so well with is HIV medication that the virus doesn't even show up in blood tests. Magic said that's true and he's feeling just fine. He works out 5 days a week and he's in better shape now than he was when he was playing ball. Gilbert, who was still in the studio, said that he thinks he's in better shape now too.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Magic. One woman wanted to know what medications Magic is using because someone she knows can't take certain meds. He told her that everyone reacts to these drugs in a certain way and they need to find the ones that work for them. He also told her the names of his Doctors so she could look them up. He uses Dr. Melman out in L.A. and Dr. Ho, the ''ultimate'' doctor, in New York City. He said he's the best guy in the world.
Magic brought up how Howard is separated from his wife now and said that the women must be going nuts. Gilbert broke the news and said that he's actually getting laid more than Howard now. Magic said he still goes out to strip clubs once in a while but he doesn't sleep around. He has fun with his wife Cookie now.
Howard took a few more phone calls for Magic and wrapped things up and then went to break.
Howard said that Gilbert was pretty much invisible while he was sitting there and Magic didn't offer him anything and didn't even talk to him after the interview.
Gary came in and told Howard about some ratings info they got about the stuff that aired the night before. Howard wanted to know what kind of ratings the Bachelor show got. Gary said they didn't do all that well. Howard said he couldn't take his eyes off it, he was hooked.
Howard asked Gilbert to stick around during the news. He had Robin get into that a short time later. She read through some stories while Gilbert and Howard goofed on them. Gilbert was doing voices and singing his Hebrew songs throughout the news. He was doing his Dracula Gottfried impression and others. He did his Jackie impression and told some racist jokes like Jackie would tell. Gilbert did some Michael Caine and others before Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:05am (Master Tape Theatre time.