Howard started off the show talking about how Artie was compliments him on his outfit this morning but he had to take his jacket off because it was so hot in the studio this morning. He said that it's supposed to be an ensemble but he can't keep the jacket on. Artie said that it was a cool outfit and asked him where it came from. Howard said it's a Belstaf and he figured that Robin would know that brand.
Howard said he likes one of the leather jackets that Fred wears and he figured it was a Harley jacket. Fred said that's probably what it was but the other one he thought Howard liked was a Gap leather jacket.
Robin brought up the Rambo movie that Howard was talking about so positively last week and said that she didn't like it. She said that he looked like ''Granbo'' and looked odd playing that character. A caller told Howard that he liked it and disagreed with Robin about it. He said that the action scenes in the movie were amazing. He said he liked that and he went to see ''Cloverfield'' and loved that one too.
Howard said he went to see ''No Country for Old Men'' and loved that too. He said he's not sure how these movies get lost the way they do when they're so cool. Howard said that it was about a crazy murderer and it was really good. Artie said that he was the one who recommended it to Howard and he really liked it too.
The caller on the line told Howard that he likes it better when they don't have guests on the show and they just talk and have a good time. He asked Fred about a moment on the History of Howard Stern when they played a song for Howard. Fred said he was asking the wrong guy but the caller said some of the lyrics and Robin knew that it was ''Pusher Man'' by Curtis Mayfield. Fred dug up the song from their library and played it for the guy.
Howard was wondering why the callers on his show always talk over them there while on other radio shows don't talk over the hosts. He said he's had that problem for a long time now, even back in the K-Rock days.
Howard talked about the old porn stores that used to exist before the internet. He said he never went to one himself but he can't imagine going into one and shop for porn. Artie said that he and his friends used to go into the city to 42nd street and there was actually a guy out on the street who was like a carnival barker yelling out ''Pussy, pussy, pussy!'' as he was trying to get people into the store.
Howard talked about how Rudy Giuliani was the guy who cleaned up 42nd street when he was in office. He talked about how much of a mess it used to be in the past.
Howard said that Gary was telling Artie that he's going to see everything in the window in the red light district over there, including a 70 year old hooker. Howard said he can't imagine why anyone would want anyone that old. Artie said that he is looking into getting some whores when he's over there. Howard said he could never go to one, he's too bummed out by it.
Howard said he could never have intercourse with a hooker because he knows that she's been with other guys. He said that he'd be thinking about how they're not really into him and how it was all a lie. Artie said that it doesn't matter for him, if the chick is hot he doesn't care. He said that there have been some girls in the past who have been really cool with him. He told them about one of the whores he had out in Vegas and how cool she was to him.
Howard said that some guys do end up marring their hooker and it is a way to meet someone. He said that you'd have to worry about them when they say they're going out for the evening though. Artie said that he knew a guy who dated a whore and the guy didn't care that she was hooking. He said that she was like 20 years old and very cute and she'd go out and work for a weekend and come back and tell him stories about the famous guys she'd fuck.
Howard said that whole thing had no point and it's just bizarre for him to say the things he was saying. Artie said that he thinks that Sal was just trying to be funny and maybe it wasn't working for him.
Howard said that Richard tried this thing with some clips of David Lee Roth singing ''Running with the Devil'' in the original recording sessions. He played the clip where Roth is singing and it wasn't all that bad. Richard took those clips and put the lyrics to the music of ''I Love Rock And Roll.'' Howard played that and it was kind of close to that tune and kind of fit in there, but not quite.
Robin said that it's kind of funny when they have someone singing alone in a room during a recording session. That led to Howard playing one of the clips where Robin was singing a song for Stuttering John's album in an isolated room.
Howard said that Wendy the Retard is still asking for an xBox 360. He said that she keeps leaving messages about this even though she promised to not ask for anything for a while. She was complaining about her friends making fun of her for not having the 360. She accused them of using her and sounded very bummed out about the whole thing. Howard said that he thought that she was using him by calling in and asking for stuff all the time.
In another voice mail a caller told the guys about something that was ripped off from the show. He said that it was something about the Miss America contestants being followed around in a reality show and that's something that Howard suggested on the show many years ago. Howard said that happens a lot to him.
Howard said that he had a weird blooper thing from a show where a guy wishes a coach ''good sex'' instead of good success or something like that. He wasn't able to get out of it either. The guy said ''continued good sex... good sex in the Big East...''
Artie mentioned that there was a picture of Lindsay Lohan in the paper today and she looks angelic. Robin told him that he should be out trying to get her instead of being there.
Howard said he went out to a chess club yesterday and that was the first time he's ever gone to one. He said that for him to go anywhere, it's like a lunar landing. He's very nervous about going out anywhere because of the tremendous fears that he has about everything. He said that once he goes out he ends up having a great time. He said his daughter actually went with him and walked him there because she knew that he was afraid to go on his own.
Howard said that there was this little 7 year old playing against an old guy and it was very weird. He said he played a couple of games with the president of the club and the guy kicked his ass. He said that it's like being a beginner again playing live against someone. Robin said that's what she was afraid of with him. She said that he has to play live against people to be able to go out and play that well.
Artie and Robin think that Howard could have a good time going out to one of those clubs every week. Howard said that he's not sure about that. Artie went on to say that he'd love to be able to do something like that himself. Robin said that she used to go out and meet a friend to play racquetball every week and she loved it.
Howard said that he had this guy Anthony over to help him out with some new suits. Ralph came over and was hanging around and he ended up breaking one of his awards that he had on his desk when he knocked it off. He said that Ralph ended up blaming the set up of the desk in the room. He said that it sat there for 2 years before that but Ralph comes in and breaks it.
Howard said that he was going out to a place called Ariel with Beth last week and when Ronnie asked him where he was going, he told him it was called ''Areola'' just to goof on him and see how many people he'd tell. He said that he did tell his driver what it was called and the driver thought that was pretty funny.
Howard asked Artie what he did over the weekend. He said he actually saw Ronnie out at one of his comedy shows on Thursday night. He saw him and Toni Coburn (Howard's hair stylist) out at one of those shows too.
Howard played a clip from the red carpet coverage where Joey Fattone was asking a woman some questions and they weren't that bad. Then he played a clip of Lisa talking to Casey Affleck and having pretty much nothing to say. She wouldn't let Casey talk and kept asking him questions about herself. When she did ask an interesting question, Casey told her that it was one of the questions that she wasn't supposed to ask. Then she asked him about the kind of gum he was chewing. Howard said that was one of the better interviews she did.
Robin said she flew out to Los Angeles and was on the plane with Wanda Sykes and John Hurley and she thinks that he has a young wife and a little baby. She said that was very odd to see a guy with white hair walking down the aisle with a baby like that. Howard said that's exactly what he's trying to avoid. He has no desire to be in that position. Robin said that he was rolling with his nanny, wife and the baby. She said that she had no idea he had that kind of money. Robin said that Wanda Sykes is a big fan of the show and they should have her on.
Howard said that at the SAG Awards they didn't bother showing Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie sitting in the audience. He said that if they show up they should be part of the show. That led to Howard playing an old interview that Stuttering John did with Brad Pitt many years ago when he was still a normal guy. Brad knew who John was and had a nice interview with him. He answered the questions and had some fun with them. John threw out some questions like ''Are homosexuals Hollywood's next villains?'' and things like that. Brad was dating Juliette Lewis at the time so she was there with Brad and spent some time talking to John as well.
Artie said that if you told him back then that one of those guys was going to be a huge movie star and the other one was an announcer on the Tonight Show, he would have figured that John went on to be a movie star. He said that he never thought that Brad Pitt would be so huge.
Artie said that he got called to do Letterman this Tuesday and Paris Hilton is going to be the first guest on the show. He said that he's going to ask Dave if he has to fill a minimum weight or something. He said that the show is going to be taped on Tuesday but won't air until Friday. He said that if he thinks that it was a bad appearance, those three days are going to be torture. Artie said that he's got to do the pre-interview thing at Letterman so he has to go through the torture of that. Howard gets to skip that whole thing when he does the show.
Howard said he had to give a shout out to this new reality show that Dee Snider is in. They take 7 singers from different genre's of music and they all sing country songs. Howard said he wasn't even sure of the name of the show but it was pretty interesting. He said it might be something like ''Make Me Country'' or something like that. Fred found out that it was actually ''Gone Country.''
Robin said that this guy Larry the Cable Guy has a third movie coming out soon and it looked more horrible than the last. She said that people just keep going to see the movies. Artie said that guy used to do comedy as a regular guy and then he became this character and he'd love to hear the real guy being interviewed about the past. He said that it was fascinating to him that he became that dumb guy and now he's making millions because of it.
Howard said that's why he says that people who have a character like that should just stick to it and do that all the time. He sued John Heder as an example. He said that he should have stuck to the Napoleon Dynamite character and do that character and nothing else. He said that every other movie he's in not doing that character sucks.
Richard came in and said that he's fascinated by that Larry the Cable Guy because he's gotten so famous. He said that there's something about him that draws him to him. He said that he laughs at his movies but he's laughing at how bad they are. Howard played a prank call the guys made using clips from Napoleon Dynamite.
Howard said that this XM/SIRIUS merger is still being held up by the government and no one is sure why. He said that Jesse Jackson demanded a meeting about the merger and now he and some other black groups have come out to oppose the merger. They're rejecting the merger but not because of the monopoly thing, they think that there's not a diversity of media ownership and things like that. Howard said that they ignore the fact that they do have a lot of black programming on the service.
He said that he's pretty sure that there is something fishy going on there and he thinks that it's lobbyists working behind the scenes and getting people to complain about the merger. He said there are more important things for black women to worry about in this country than this merger.
Howard said he had some clips of this guy Jim Cramer from Mad Money talking about what's going on with the merger and how ridiculous it is that they're holding up the merger this long. In one clip Jim was talking about how the government didn't have any hearings over the Exxon/Mobil merger or the Chevron/Texaco mergers. He said that if they really cared about the people of this country, they would have had some hearings on that stuff.
Howard said that he agreed with this guy Jim and his thoughts on this stuff. In the clip Jim is talking about how he thinks that SIRIUS is worth owning even if the merger doesn't go through. Howard said that he goes into a whole stock rap after that.
Howard said that he used to go around thinking that the government was above all of this stuff but now he sees that they may be bought and paid for. He said that the deal has to go through because there's no way that they can think that this is a monopoly. He said that it's all about who is going to pay the government.
Howard said that this guy Cramer goes on for a few minutes talking about this stuff. He said he wasn't sure how much more they could listen to. Artie asked if this guy Cramer can buy a bunch of stock and then go out and go on this rant that he goes on. Howard said that he thinks that he'd have to but he's not sure about that.
Howard played more of the clip where Jim is talking about how this merger would not be a monopoly, but Exxon/Mobil is. He went on talking about other mergers that were allowed in very short periods of time but they won't let this merger go through. He said he thinks that it would be hard for the feds to turn this merger down.
Howard and the guys spent a short time talking about how they're not even making money with these two services so there's no way that they're a monopoly. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Lisa said that the guy has told them that there will be some new stories that are really wild that will be in this book. Howard told Artie to write the book with one fake story and have the fans try to pick it out, kind of like the Mike Walker game.
Lisa said that they've spoken to Jillian Barberie about her call to the show last week. Jillian also talked to them about how she called David Spade and talked to him about Jillian Grace's baby and she claims that David is cool with it.
Howard asked Artie what's so secretive that he'll have in his book. Artie said that he does have a couple of secrets that he hasn't told on the show yet. He said that some of the people who are involved in the stories didn't want it on the air but they're okay with him putting the stories in his book. The guys asked if Dana is going to be in the book. Artie said that if she's lucky she will be.
Howard said that he left his sister out of his book and wondered if Artie is going to do that. Howard said he never remembered his sister being in the house and he just left her out. He said that his psychiatrist tells him that this is a problem that he doesn't remember his sister being in the house when he was growing up even though she had to have been there. He said that they get along great so he's not sure why he'd forget about her.
Lisa said that Howard's sister told her one time that Howard has a very big imagination. That led to Howard saying that he thinks he saw her breasts one time. He also talked about her friends and how he was attracted to this one girl. He also said that his sister ended up ignoring him out on the beach one day when she brought him there.
Howard said his sister went to this all girl's school for college and he went to visit and they'd eat at the places on campus because the food was so good. He said that his sister would want to go out but his father would want to stay and eat there. He talked about his father yelling at him for eating pancakes and bread together and complaining that they were both cakes so he can't have them both in the same meal. Howard said that was in front of the hot girls there and it wasn't cool.
Howard said that he always listened to his mother and what she told him to do. He said that she's changed a lot now but back then she'd be really ''Jewy'' and wanted his sister to go out with a Jewish guy. He said that she didn't like Jewish guys though so she would never date them. He said she'd sneak out of the house and go out and date guys who weren't Jewish. He never told on her or anything though.
Howard said that there was yelling and screaming going on about his sister dating guys who weren't Jewish. He said that his mother would cry over it and yell at her for not dating Jews. He said that she'd go nuts and cry a lot back then about that stuff. Artie said that it seems like his mother was brought up to expect disaster with everything.
Howard told another story about this ice cream scooper that they had in the house when he was a kid. He said it was the greatest ice cream spoon ever and then one day his mother turned the spoon over and saw that it was made in Germany. She freaked out and threw it in the garbage. He said that his father would go on and on about the German's and French like you wouldn't believe. Robin said they hear those rants from Howard now.
Howard said his mother would go on and on about the Germans and the Jews. Then she threw out the spoon. He said that she'd get all upset about his sister's boyfriends not being Jews. He said that his mother thought that his sister was a virgin all this time and she'd have him going into the room to spy on his sister when she'd have boys over to the house to watch TV. He said that his mother was afraid of his sister and she'd make him spy on them. Howard said that he actually wrote this story up for an episode of ''Howard Stern: The High School Years'' so that script is just sitting around.
Howard said he'd go and tell his mother about his sister making out and that was it, they didn't do anything about it. He said that his sister ended up marrying one of these guys that wasn't a Jew and his parents eventually came around and took him in no problem. He said that he doesn't get why they wanted another Jew in the family anyway.
Howard said that his sister's kids aren't confused like his mother thought they would be if she didn't marry a Jew. He said that ever since his mother took up TM meditation, she's changed her whole view on everything. He said that now all she cares about is peace and love. He said that now she goes around preaching the peace thing and hates anything violent. He said he told her about the last Giants game and she couldn't believe that he watches stuff so violent. He said that she won't let his father watch it in front of her.
Howard was doing his impression of his parents during this discussion and had the guys laughing a bunch of times. He said that he always wanted to see violent movies when he was growing up but his mother wouldn't let him see them. He said that he'd have to make up descriptions of movies to fool her into thinking that they weren't violent. He said he'd work in the name of the movie sometimes so he'd talk up Death Wish and tell his mother that the people in the movie were dead and wished that they could come back to life or something like that.
Artie said that he knew a guy who brought his 70 year old grandmother to see Star Wars one time when it was first out and in the cantina scene where Harrison Ford was talking to the loan shark guy, the grandma says ''This movie was made by a crazy person...''
Lisa G got back to her news preview. She said that she spoke to Rev. Bob Levy about his Xanax pills and how the doctor wasn't able to prescribe him more than he was getting so he put him on something new. They'll have more on Howard 100 News today about all of those stories and more.
Howard was about to let Lisa go but she mentioned that she was at a recital recently and she was so nervous playing violin in front of only 60 people. That led to Howard telling her that she should play in the studio for them. She didn't sound very interested in doing that though.
Artie said that his driver is really into Lisa G and he told her that he could get her a date if she wanted. He said that the guy saw her walking out on the street one day last week and the guy noticed her and pointed her out to him.
Howard played a new prank call that Richard made to this old woman. He just keeps asking this woman how she's doing and what she's been up to and the woman keeps answering him over and over again. She sticks with the call even though he just keeps asking her how she's doing. Then, after she hangs up, Sal calls her and asks the woman how his brother is doing. She doesn't know so he keeps asking her how she's doing and how his brother is doing. She said he sounded like he was okay but didn't know why he was asking her about him.
The guys spent some time talking about the odds on the game and what people are thinking at this point. Will came in with some stats and gave the guys a rundown of that stuff. Artie said that he thinks there is some magic there with the Giants and they may be able to pull it out this time.
Howard said that he doesn't want to bet on this game either. He doesn't get the joy out of it that Artie does. Artie said that he looks at it like getting free money but Howard said he doesn't see it that way at all. He has no desire to lose money on a game like that.
Ralph called in and said that he thinks that it will be a blow out game. He said Howard is right about that. Fred said that he's not going to go with Ralph on this because he was wrong the last time. He said he thinks that the Giants are going to take it this time. He gave his thoughts on the game and what he thinks will happen this Sunday.
The guys talked about some of the crazy names of the guys in the NFL and that led to Artie talking about the jokes he used to tell about Anfrony Hardaway. Howard said that Beth told him a story about a little black girl standing at a make-up counter saying ''That's my name, that's my name, that's my name...'' and then she heard the little girl's mother call her and her name was Clinique. Robin thought that was made up but Howard swore that Beth saw it happen.
Howard mentioned that Will the Farter is there and he's there with a porn star by the name of Kissy Kapri. He made a porn movie and it's pretty disturbing. He wears his clothes the whole time and just goes in and starts farting on this chick who is rubbing herself. Gary said that Will actually does do a sex scene and he had some clips to play. He said that he'd play them after the break and went to commercial.
Howard said that he was surprised at the level of girls they had in the movie ''Lost in Porn Valley.'' He said that she's the first girl you see in the movie and he was surprised that she was so good looking. Howard asked if this is the girl he has sex with in the movie. Will said that she is but he had some problems getting it up for her because he was so nervous.
Howard heard that Will had a small penis too. Kissy confirmed that and said that he's not the biggest she's seen. Will said that there was nothing but horse cocks down there when he was there. He had no chance against the other porn guys.
Howard said that the premise of this movie is that he goes out to Hollywood and meets Kissy. He tells her that he wants to make porn but ends up farting on her. Howard said that was funny but he didn't know that he ends up having sex with someone later in the movie. Will said that he does have a girlfriend and she wasn't too happy about this whole thing.
Howard asked Will if she yelled at him. He said that she did yell at him for about a month and a half but he bought her a bunch of stuff and that helped. Will used to do some other weird porn movies where he's jerk off and stuff and gay guys would buy the movies. Will said that it kind of just happened back in August.
Howard read some notes about Will going out to do this movie and he only got $1000 out of the deal. Will said that he'd like to get more money but he's not sure if he can get anything else. Kissy said that she got $1000 too. Howard told her that she should be getting a lot more than that for doing these movies. Robin said that was just for that scene.
Will said that he had a choice of 6 or 7 girls and he picked Kissy. She's only 19 years old and turning 20 in about 5 days. She said she's made over 100 films already.
Howard read some notes about Kissy and saw that she did an 11 guy gang bang and they were all black guys. She got paid $2500 to do that. She said that they were all pretty big too. She had done anal before that but she got tired after about 5 or 6 hours of doing it. She said that she's only about 100-105 pounds and it was tough to take. Howard said her price really should go up based on that. He said that she should be in a Jenna Jameson category.
Kissy said that she takes an imodium to keep herself from having accidents back there when she's having anal. She said that sometimes she'll have some enema water come out when she's having anal but never doody. Howard read that she did a Bukkake thing with 100 guys one time. Howard asked her what happens when 100 guys cum on her face. She said that they'd cum in her mouth, then she'd spit it into a bowl and then drank it. Artie asked her what went wrong with her. He said that this is just not right. He asked her if she had a bad childhood or something. She said that her mother has a disease and her father is in the Navy. Robin asked her what was so great about her childhood if that's what she's got going on. Kissy lost her virginity at 13 and said she never graduated high school.
Howard asked Will about having sex with this girl and if he used a condom. He said it was no condom but the girls are tested. Howard said they're tested for AIDS but not all of the STDs. Will said he was kind of nervous about it at first and his girlfriend stayed away from him for about a month.
Howard asked Kissy if she was afraid of getting a loose ass or something where she wouldn't be able to hold it in. She said that she has worried about that. She's heard stories about porn stars who have to wear diapers from it. She said that she doesn't do it that often though.
Howard found out that Kissy lost her anal virginity at 15. She also told them about the guy who took her virginity at 13 and how she lost it at McDonalds. She explained how that went down and how it was a 14 year old who took it. She said that they'd do all kinds of stuff with other girls even when she was in 4th grade.
Gary told Howard that she's really hard core and she was in the movie that those ''ass juice'' clips came from that they played earlier. He said that movie was called ''Cum Fuck Cocktails.'' She's even on the cover of that movie.
Kissy told Howard about the story of that movie where she drank the guy's cum. She said that it was supposed to be a way for her to get back into heaven after she'd committed suicide. She also told the guys about how she tried working as an escort for a while and she had an 85 year old guy try to fuck her in the ass with his limp dick. She said that it was just a job and she had no desire to do it. She said that he told her that he had never done a girl in the ass but he wanted to do it before he died. He stuck it in after 25 or 30 minutes but nothing happened. She said that it wasn't that gross compared to some other guys that she's done. She said that there were some pretty gross guys out there, even grosser than Artie.
Artie asked Kissy if the old guy told her what he wanted to do before. She said that he did. Now she has a boyfriend who does pretty much nothing after leaving his pizza delivery job. She said that he tells people that he's a gardener now.
Howard got back to Will and asked him about his fiancé. Will said that they actually have a date and they're getting married on June 29th. He said he's not sure if he's going to fart at the wedding.
Howard asked will if he was able to finish with this girl in the movie. He said he was doing good for a while but when the camera was right on him he got really nervous.
Howard asked Kissy how she came up with the name. She said that she came up with it herself by looking in a baby name book. Howard told her that she should give herself a real name like ''Jennifer Smith'' or something. Artie suggested ''Jennifer Anuston.''
Kissy talked about how she had tried heroin when she was about 17 but she gave it up. Artie asked her if she wanted to go to Amsterdam with him. She kind of laughed at that. She told the guys about what happened to her one time when she had done something and ended up getting tied up in a shower.
Howard played some clips from this movie that Will did where he walks in the room where this woman is getting it on with another woman. Then he tells the girls that he has a special talent and starts farting on the woman. She tells him he's disgusting and tells him to get lost.
Howard played another clip where Will farted in front of 4 girls. Howard said that he seems to be like Brad Pitt taking this stuff so seriously this morning. Will said that he does have some regrets about doing this movie. He said that he's out of doing the porn but he's still doing the little stuff on the side where he jerks off by himself in his own room for the gay guys. He said he doesn't think that it's gay at all.
Howard said that you can buy this movie that Will and Kissy are in at Clips4Sale.com. He played the clip where Will farts in front of the four girls after that. The girls are talking about how gross it is as Will is blasting away.
Howard played another clip where Will meets a burping girl. He demonstrates his farting talent and she burps for him. Then he had a clip where Will goes into a sauna after being so distraught after not being able to find a co-host. Will said that he didn't remember doing the sauna scene and couldn't remember what happened there. Howard thought that he just hated the movie and couldn't bare to think about it. Will said he thinks it's funny and it's really not that bad.
Gary came in and said that the guy in the green room was just telling him that they were going to be doing another movie next week. Will said he decided to not do that one just a couple of days ago so he won't be doing another one.
Will said that his in-laws to be don't know anything about this and they don't even know that he's Will the Farter. He said they'll never know about this porn movie. Howard played some clips of Will banging this chick Kissy and she's slapping around her own tits. Artie said that she's got banana tits. Howard said that they are very big and Artie thought they were real.
Howard said that Kissy has both nipples pierced and she goes to choke Will in that scene. She said that she likes to be dominant. Howard said that Will just lays there and does nothing. He told him that he's got to get into it more. Artie said that it looks like some sort of snuff film or something because Will looks like he was forced into doing the scene.
Will said that he took half a Viagra to do that scene and it did nothing for him, if anything, it made it worse.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Kissy should ride the Sybian while Will farts on her. Artie said they didn't have to do the farting part of that. Howard asked Kissy to ride the Sybian and give it a shot. He wanted the truth about how it felt. They had her strip down before she got on the Sybian. Howard said that he can't imagine her with a bunch of black guys banging her in the ass. She said that it was pretty rough.
Bong Hit Eric called in and said that Kissy looks good on the web site. Howard asked Will to let out just one fart before she rides this thing. Will blasted out a bunch of farts for the guys before they got to the Sybian ride. Bong Hit brought up something he'd seen on TV with Beth and some pets she was trying to get adopted. Gary told Howard that they were in the middle of something sexy there and didn't need to hear that. Howard let Eric go and got back to Kissy.
Howard had Gary start the Sybian and had Kissy telling them about how it felt. She didn't make much noise so Howard asked if anything was happening. She said it was but there wasn't any audio to let anyone know what was going on. Gary kept jacking the speed up and she eventually started to moan a little bit. Gary had it up to full speed and she let out a couple of moans and that was it. She was done.
Kissy said that she did finish. She claims that she can masturbate and cum like 15 times in a row. Gary asked her to ride it again and make some noise this time. She said that she could do that, no problem. Kissy got back on the machine and Gary started her out slow but turned up the speed pretty soon. This time she was moaning a little bit more. She moaned and got off within about a minute or so. Howard told her that was quite a performance. Artie said ''Somebody fuck her!'' when she hopped off the machine.
Howard said that it may not have been 11 black guys in her ass, but it was as close as they could come. He talked to Will about doing the porn stuff again and Will said that he's really not going to do it. Will Murray came in and said that he's probably doing it behind his Fiancé's back, that's why he's claiming he's not doing it. Will said that he's just not doing it.
Gary noticed something tattooed on Kissy's back. She said that it says ''God Is Rich In Mercy.'' Howard gave the guys some more plugs and started to wrap up with Will. Will was in a strange mood so the guys tried to figure out what was going on there. Will said that today just wasn't a good day. He said that he knows that he's going to get a lot of flack about this and he's afraid that his fiancé's parents are going to find out about this.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Kissy if she's ever gotten a David Copperfield before. That's where a guy spits on a girl's back and then when she turns around, he cums on her face. She said she had never had that. She did have a Roman Soldier Helmet though. She said that she has done a Rusty Trombone before as well. That's where she eats a guy's ass hole and jerks him off at the same time. She said she's done that in her real life and in porn. She said that she doesn't mind doing that either.
Gary asked Kissy what's on her list of things that she won't do. She said that she won't do black guys anymore. She said that there were some bad apples there when she did the gang bang thing. She said that they did a DP (double penetration) thing with her and they weren't supposed to. She said that she won't do black guys anymore because of that.
Kissy said that she won't do a cream pie thing anymore either. She won't let guys finish inside of her and push it out. She only lets her boyfriend cum inside of her. She said she still does the ass though. Artie was laughing hysterically while she was telling them all of this stuff. He said that the only two things that she won't do are shooting cum out of herself and doing black guys. She said that she won't kiss other guys either in the movies she does. She said that's too personal to do with anyone other than her boyfriend.
Howard said he can't imagine dealing with a woman who is getting banged by other guys. She said that sometimes he will say stuff about her going to get laid by other guys and she thinks that's kind of stupid. She said that he has shot one scene with her though.
Howard asked Kissy if she'd ever do a dog. She said she used to like watching bestiality films but she wouldn't do that. Howard gave her an Fuck, Marry, Kill with a Dog, a Black Guy and a Flashlight. She said that she's probably fuck the flashlight, marry the black guy and kill the dog.
Howard asked Kissy if she goes to strip clubs and works. She doesn't do that. She said that she'd like to go to school eventually and open up a dog kennel or something like that. Will said that he thinks she could do something else and do really well at it. He thinks she could be so much more than she is. Will said that he'd like to help her out and get her into something else.
Will said that he's making about 3 grand a month doing the clips he does and he wants to use that for college. Howard thought that he was like 40 years old but Will said he's only 28. Howard gave them some more plugs for KickAss.com, where you can get the movie ''Lost in Porn Valley,'' and for Clips4Sale.com, where you can download Will's clips. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that they have this guy Junior Seau from the New England Patriots on the phone. He said that he's a big deal but he's not even sure why that is because he's not that into football.
Junior said that they're out in Arizona now. Howard asked him about Tom Brady's foot and if that was all just a scam to make the Giants think that the was injured. Junior said that they blew that up into something that wasn't that big of a deal.
Howard asked Junior what being Samoan means because he has no idea. Junior said that Samoa is a small island that he'd love if he visited. Howard asked if they eat people there. Junior said he's pretty sure they stopped doing that about 4 decades ago.
Howard said the read that Junior was able to bench press 500 pounds but Junior said that was a long time ago. Howard said he's only able to lift about 95 pounds himself. Junior said he doesn't need to be able to bench more than that doing what he does for a living.
Howard said that Junior is 39 years old and still in the NFL so that's a pretty big feat right there. Junior said that it's a long journey to get there. He's never won a Super Bowl so Howard asked him if he's going to retire after this year. He wasn't sure about that. He didn't think it was going to be his last one.
Howard said that Junior retired one other time and his team got pissed at him when he came out of retirement. Junior didn't make that big of a deal out of it. Howard asked him if he's married. Junior said that he's not married. Howard asked him when he last got laid. He wasn't going to say but he said that he does have ''friends'' that he hangs out with. He said that he's just concentrating on the big game and he's not concentrating on that stuff. He said that he has gotten laid since the last game but he'll probably cut himself off by Thursday this week.
Howard asked Junior if he hangs out with Tom Brady and his model girlfriend, Giselle. Junior said that it's hard to hang out with him but he is friends with him. He said that they keep that relationship pretty secret so he doesn't hang with them that much. Howard said that Tom Brady has movie star looks and he's banging a number 1 supermodel. He'd like to know one thing that's wrong with Brady. Junior said that the only thing wrong with him is that he never stops working.
Howard said he wanted to hear that Brady's penis was tiny or something. Junior said he doesn't take a peek in the shower so he wouldn't know. Robin asked Howard why he's not calling Junior by his real name. Howard and Artie said that they thought it was his real name. Junior said that his real name is something that's hard to say so he went with Junior. His real name is Tiaina. As soon as he said that the guys were calling him Tina and goofing on him. Junior said that's why he went with the ''Junior'' name.
Howard asked Junior some questions about his coach and then Artie threw in a question and asked where they mount the cameras to steal all of the other team's plays. Howard told him to calm down with that, it sounds like he's really angry with him for no reason.
Howard said that Tom Brady may have jinxed the team by going out and saying that they're going to win this game. Junior said that he can't believe that he'd go out and do that. He refused to believe that Brady would do that to them.
Howard asked Junior if he had banged anyone famous. Junior said that he doesn't really go after famous people like that. Junior said that he was married at one time and he got divorced. That led to the guys asking him if that's why he had to go back to playing football. He said that his ex-wife was a great woman. Howard asked him if he ever banged any of the cheerleaders. He said he never did that and he leads a pretty boring life.
Howard read that President Bush had given Junior a good Samaritan award back in 2005. Junior said that they raise money for the youth of San Diego and he did get that award. He didn't make a big deal out of it though.
Howard asked Junior who he's going to vote for this next election. He said that's a secret, he doesn't want to be judged on that kind of stuff. Howard asked him if they should pull out of this war. Junior said that the best thing they can do is support the guys who are already over there. He didn't want the people thinking that they were against what they're doing this week before the Super Bowl is coming up.
Howard took some phone calls and let some fans ask some questions. One guy said that Junior is so tough. He said that he broke his arm recently and he thought for sure that he wasn't going to be able to come back but he did. Howard asked Junior if he looks at him like he's a big pussy because he would never be able to go on after a broken arm. Junior has some respect for Howard and said he doesn't look at him like that at all.
Another caller told Junior that he thinks that Eli Manning is going to choke in this game and they're going to lose. Junior said that Eli is good and they have their hands full with this upcoming game. Howard took a couple more calls and let some people make some comments about this upcoming game. One caller talked about Junior's club that he owns and how he's got a lot of hot chicks there. One guy said that he used to be a fan of Juniors until he moved to the Patriots. He said that him leaving the Chargers was like Babe Ruth leaving the Yankees. Junior said that he will never leave San Diego, they're always in his heart. He said that he's employed by the Patriots right now and they'll see what happens when this season is over. Howard let Junior go a short time later.
Howard said that people are just shocked that he's got a girl as beautiful as Kendra who is into him. He said that people get jealous, he knows that because he gets the same thing with Beth. Howard said that Eric has to be suspect because this girl hasn't even been in the same room with him yet.
Eric said that he can't get into too much detail but he and Johnny are working on a chance of him meeting her around Valentine's day. He said that it's all a timing issue and she's got a schedule to work around and he has to work around that as well.
Howard asked where Kendra is going to be staying and if they're going to be staying in the same room. Eric is sure he won't be in the same room but they'll probably be near each other. Howard said that if Eric calls him after that meeting and tells him that they were intimate and had some romantic talk or something, then he'll believe that she's into him.
Robin didn't understand why Eric is saying that she's his girlfriend when they haven't even met yet. Howard said that he kind of gets this, the two of them are talking and have an understanding. Eric told Howard that he likes the way he's handling this today.
Howard told Eric that if he does meet this girl and she doesn't do anything with him, he'd have to say that she's not into him. Eric agreed with that. He said that there should be some kind of kissing and holding hands when they meet. Eric said that she does blow him kisses on cam and stuff like that. Howard said that's why people are suspicious of this relationship.
Howard said that he got the same thing with Beth but she eventually put out for him. He said that if Kendra meets him and vomits, he'll understand that she's not into him. He talked about what Kendra could do to prove that she really likes Eric.
Eric said that he knows that Kendra is going to have down time and he knows that he'll be sitting next to her and taking to her when she's working at this job she has. Howard asked Eric what she calls him when she's talking to him and started to play the edited, pre-recorded clips of Eric calling himself ''Eric the...''
Robin asked if Eric is getting more and more frustrated not meeting this girl. Eric said he's not. He seems to be fine with waiting for her. Howard let Eric go a short time later and Eric said a very pleasant ''talk to you later'' as he was saying goodbye to Howard.
The guy said that they didn't find any child porn on his computer but he's still looking at serving 4 years for child porn. He said that the 7 year old kid accused him of touching her inappropriately but that story fell apart and he got out of that but he's still facing the 4 years in prison. Howard had to cut him off and told him that he doesn't need too many details.
The guy was looking for Dominic Barbara's phone number so he could talk to him about the charges. The guy thinks that he's being framed or something. Howard told him he'd put him on hold so he could get Dominic's phone number.
Artie ended up asking Howard what happened between him and Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams that time that he saw them out at dinner one night. Howard explained to Artie that he and Beth were out, they saw Heath and Michelle out and they kind of blew him off when he went over to say hello to them. He said that he complained about it on the air one day and Heath called him after hearing that and apologized for what had happened. He said that he was very nice about it afterward but they were kind of dicky to him when he said hello. He said it turned out he wasn't that much of a dick.
Artie said that this story about Heath dying is really hitting him hard this week. Howard said that maybe this will straighten him out and he'll stop with the drinking and drugs because of Heath's death. They had to go to break a short time later.
Gary said that the guys in the office were talking about it and told him that he should go for Barack. Howard said that he might have to tell Gary what to do because the last time he voted, he voted for David Dinkens for some dopey reason.
Howard said that if he's on the democratic side of this he should probably vote for Hillary. He said that he's just giving his opinion on what to do. Gary said that he's not going to do what Howard says just because Howard tells him this is the way he should vote.
Howard told Gary that if he won't let him tell him what to do, then get the fuck out of the room. Gary kept interrupting him and wouldn't let him answer. Howard said that this isn't fun for him if he keeps interrupting.
Howard told Gary that he will probably vote for Hillary because she has experience being in the White House and working with her husband on health care and other issues. He said that having Bill Clinton in the White House would be a good thing. He said that he was good at being President and he'd have her ear if he was in there. You get two for the price of one and he likes that deal. Robin said that some people are upset about that and that's exactly what they don't want. Howard likes it and he thinks it could be good for the country. He said that she'd have a built in aide in Bill and that's good.
Howard told Gary to just vote for the person he thinks would be the best person and not worry about what would happen in the election. Sal was in Gary's office goofing on Gary wearing his Gary mask and having some fun with the whole decision making thing.
Fred threw in a Baba Booey song parody that had Artie cracking up. He said he kind of liked that one and goofed on Gary a little bit himself.
Artie said that if he dies over there, it will be an honorable way to go out. Steve said that the body armor that Artie might need would weigh about 15 pounds. They'll have some news about Adam Carolla doing Greg Fitzsimmons show tonight at Midnight Eastern time. John the Stutterer is also on tonight at 7pm with his Straight Talk show.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll be talking about Will the Farter and Kissy Kapri's visit, Junior Seau's call and much more. The guys talked about the game for a short time. Howard said he still thinks that the Patriots are going to win even though he's rooting for the Giants.
Jon said that they'll talk about Lisa Rinna's giant lips that Howard brought up this morning, Eric the Midget's call and more.
Robin said that she still feels good, even at her age, so that's why she's not going to give up. Artie said that he's already given up at his age and he's not even close to her age. Fred played a new theme song for Robin that was based on a Stevie Wonder song. The guys all got a few laughs out of that one.
Robin started off the news with a story about Heath Ledger. His father had said something about how he wasn't going to get to play chess with his son anymore. She said that it seems that the family got along very well. Howard said that when you're 28 years old and you have a kid at home, it's time to clean up and get off the drugs. He said he feels bad about his death and all but he really should have cleaned up before this all happened. That led to the guys talking about his death and some of the things that went on that day.
Howard read through some e-mail and said that a lot of people liked the Sylvester Stallone interview. Some people wrote in about Artie going to Amsterdam and what a bad idea that was.
Robin said she read that DJ Chris Booker might be heading back to New york according to an article in Page Six today. They say that he has offers for a radio show and for a TV show of his own there.
Howard read through more mail and one person said that Artie doesn't even know how to swim so he shouldn't buy a boat. Artie said he knows how to swim and he can swim very well. Robin said that she doesn't know how to swim and she has a boat so that's bull.
Howard read some mail about Eric the Midget. Some people don't want him on the show, others think that they shouldn't bully him so much. Other people said they like to hear Eric on the show and they don't want him to be taken off the show at all.
Howard had Robin get back to her news a short time later. Robin said that Cindy Adams is predicting that the writer's strike will be over in a couple of weeks. There was a story about the Captain America comic book so that got Howard talking about it. He said that they're bringing him back and using his sidekick as the new Captain America since they killed the original guy off last year. Howard said he likes that they're giving him weapons now and that's the way it should be because the guy is a soldier.
Howard mentioned this ''Gone Country'' show that he mentioned earlier in the morning. He said that it was a good show. He said that it looks like Bobby Brown and Maureen McCormick are hooking up on the show so that's pretty interesting to him.
Howard read a story about a guy who had killed his wife accidentally by electrocuting her during sex. He said that the guy attached alligator clips to an electrical cord to her nipples and that led to her having a heart attack. Fred came up with a sound effect for that while Howard was reading the story. He was able to paint the scene with his audio clips. He had the zapping, a woman screaming and more.
Robin read some stories about Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. She had some audio clips of the two of them speaking and Howard said that he'd have to suggest to Hillary that she not yell at these events. Robin brought up Ted Kennedy during the discussion about Barack Obama so that led to Howard doing his Kennedy impression and doing his ''Er-uh'' thing for a few minutes along with Artie. They were both doing their Kennedy impressions and making up all kinds of stuff about Barack Obama and why they support him.
Robin had Howard playing a bunch of clips of other candidates talking about the upcoming election. Howard and Artie stuck to their Kennedy impressions for a little longer.
Robin had some clips from the SAG awards and went through a bunch of those clips. Howard and the guys commented on some of the stuff that went on during that show. She wrapped up after that and Howard ended the show around 10:45am.
Jon brought up some of the stuff they were going to be talking about today on the Wrap Up Show. He mentioned that Artie was going to be doing Letterman tomorrow night and Gary missed that on the show somehow.
Jeff the Drunk was on the phone so he asked Gary what it was that Gary wanted to know last week. Gary said he wanted to know what Jeff would do if Artie didn't exist because he asks him for money all the time. Gary said that he must be in bad shape these days because he calls telling them that he's always available. He's been complaining about them giving money to Wendy the Retard so he wanted to know what he's doing to try and generate money. Jeff didn't have an answer for that. He said that he's not sure what he would do if Artie wasn't around.
Teddy said that Jeff calls him all the time too. He said that he just called him an hour ago. Jeff said he wants to know when he's going to be appearing with Artie. Jeff said that the crowd loved him the last time he did a show. He said he can be a good diversion and get all of the people out of Artie's way at the shows.
Jeff said that he's good with whatever amount of money Artie wants to give him. Jon asked him if he thinks that it's a bad idea for Artie to go to Amsterdam. Jeff said that he'd chaperone him if they want. He said it would just cost them the price of a ticket. Teddy said that it would cost them the price of a hotel room too. Gary said that if he gave up smoking, drinking and smoking weed, he'd have a couple hundred bucks in his pocket.
Teddy said that Jeff thinks that Artie wants him on ever gig but he just told him that he was going to be on some local gigs. He said he's regretting giving him his phone number now.
A caller said that he's tired of these wack packers and them asking for money all the time. Gary said he agrees but Wendy the Retard can't help the way she is. She's retarded. Jeff has the ability to go out and generate some income himself but he's lazy. He said he's got his hand out all the time asking for money.
Benjy said that he'd like to do a bit where they drop Wendy the Retard and Jeff the Drunk in the middle of nowhere and see who survives. Gary thinks that Jeff would be able to do it and even Wendy could probably figure out a way to get home.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Gary how they work it when he books a guest like Junior and Howard doesn't know sports that well. Gary said that Howard trusts them when they tell him that they have someone big like that to do the show. He said that Howard doesn't have any hero worship with these guys either because he doesn't know them, and that leads to him doing a great interview because he's not afraid of them.
Artie came in and talked to the guys about that interview. They talked about a mention of Joe Namath that Artie made during the Junior Seau interview.
Jon took some phone calls and one guy was going back and forth with Artie taking about Tony Romo. Artie said that he loves that they have a guy on the team that has a name that rhymes with homo. The caller wanted to start making fun of the Giants with some names that he's making up if he's going to continue to do that.
Artie told the guys about a commercial that he was in that was shown during the Super Bowl one year. He said that was something that got him into SAG and he thinks that it made no sense at all. He said that the commercial didn't make any sense and no one he knew could make any sense of it either. He said that it's weird and he has to bring it in and show it to the guys.
Jon took a call from a guy who told Artie he's the man but last year he was saying that the Giants suck. Artie said that wasn't him, he was telling a story about the Eagles fans down in Philly telling him that the Giants were gay and so was he.
Another caller asked Artie what he thinks the headline is going to be next Monday, the Giants win or the Patriots win. Artie said he thinks that it'll be the Giants and that would make a better story.
Artie asked Jeff what he really wants from him. He said he gets to eat food and gets free beer all day and all he does is a 30 second thing on stage. Jeff said that he just wants to get paid for what it costs him to get to the show and maybe a couple of extra bucks. Jeff said he'd like $200 a night. Artie told Jeff that if he can get himself to a gig that's driveable, he'll give him the expenses and pay him the $200 to come out and say hi. Jeff agreed to that.
Artie said that he's going to be at the Borgata in Atlantic City on the 16th of February so he can come down to that one. Jeff said he has to make sure he can get that ride but he'll try to be there. Benjy asked Artie what he would do if he got a call from him saying the car broke down 3 hours into his trip. Artie said he'd have Teddy handle it. He doesn't care what happens from there. Jeff asked Artie if he wanted an escort to go to Amsterdam. Artie told him that he doesn't need to do that.
The guys heard that Bob Levy was going to have Riley Martin at his comedy club (Levy's Comedy Club). They wondered what he was going to be doing there. Shuli said that he's just going to come out and say hi to the crowd. That led to the guys talking about how Jackie the Joke Man turned down Bob's offer to do a gig out at his club. Shuli heard that Jackie had shot back and e-mail telling Bob ''No thanks'' in the subject line of his e-mail instead of answering the mail in a regular way.
Gary said that he thinks that Jackie gets good deals to do shows in big cities and stuff and he doesn't do gigs like Levy's club. Gary then told a story about doing a comedy show with Stuttering John out in Syracuse one time. He said that he was offered a really good deal that he couldn't turn down. He said that he went up there and there were only about 25-30 people and it was like a week before Christmas. He said that John promised him the money and he took the money even though he felt terrible about it. He said that it was brutal but John paid him even though he lost money on the deal. He said John never complained about it though.
Artie said that he's not a good businessman. He said that he's had promoters come up to him and tell him that they might lose money on the gig if they didn't sell enough tickets. He said that he's told them to just give him whatever they want then and that's what they do.
Artie got in some plugs and said that he's going to be at the universal Amphitheater in Los Angeles on April 5th and he's really looking forward to that. Gary said that's one great place to appear at and a classic place too. They had to go to break a short time later.
Benjy said that Howard didn't get into it too much but her mother can't speak. He said that he may have found that too sad. Gary said that she also said that her father was a sailor and he wasn't sure what she meant by that.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks that Will is retired from porn or not. Gary said that Will Murray told him that he spoke to the producers and they told him that they had a deal to do another film. He said that he thinks that Will is a really nice guy and now he's found this way to make money and he's kind of throwing the whole thing with his girlfriend away.
Jon played a clip of Will the Farter explaining what he's doing with this porn career and how he's pretty much out of it. Gary wondered what Will is doing in the clips that he's selling. Benjy said he thinks that Will is farting and jerking off at the same time but he's not sure about that. Benjy said that he'd like to try getting into something like that himself.
The guys talked about Kissy's Sybian ride a little bit but they ended up talking about Will and how depressing he was on the show. Gary said he didn't get why Will was saying that this girl Kissy could do anything that she wanted and she didn't have to be in porn.
A caller said that he was gagging at this girl describing what she was doing in her movies and stuff. Gary said that most of that goes over his head because he's seen so much of that stuff over the years. The caller wondered where these girls come from at the age of 19 being into that kind of stuff.
Benjy said he finds it funny how they make such a big deal out of chicks doing black guys, like when she brought up the black guys that did the gang bang. They talked about how she had later said that she won't do black guys anymore because eof the way she was treated during that gang bang.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he just heard this Kissy Kapri interview and heard her mention something about being tied up with a ''cell phone cord'' and he thought that was kind of odd that no one picked up on that. Gary said she could have meant that it was the charger cord or something.
Another caller told the guys that he has no desire to see these people like Jeff the Drunk at comedy shows. He said that he really doesn't care about seeing Jeff the Drunk's ass. He thinks that it could actually ruin the show if they do stuff like that.
Teddy was telling the guys he's really not looking forward to hanging out with Jeff the Drunk at these comedy shows. He said that he got really drunk up in Syracuse and he's not looking forward to more of that. Gary gave him a big ''Wah!'' to that.
Another caller told Gary that he may have been cock blocking Will the Farter by talking about this porn movie that Will may be doing behind his Fiancé's back. Gary said that it's not a big secret, it's a porn movie that everyone will be able to see. He wasn't trying to break any ''man code'' or anything like that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's been trying to figure out if Robin has been telling the truth about that anal sex story she told years ago. He said that he doesn't believe that Robin was able to have anal without any lube or anything because it's just not possible. Gary said that not all women are built the same and it is possible that she was able to do what she claimed without any lube.
Another caller told the guys that they're doing a great job with the show and he's getting a great signal up in Washington State out in the middle of nowhere.
Another caller brought up the segment that Howard did playing clips of Jim Cramer's Mad Money. That led to the guys talking about buying stock and how guys like that can really effect stock prices. Benjy said that you can get into a lot of trouble by owning the stock and not revealing it and people have gotten into trouble for posting things on message boards and stuff. The caller said that Cramer claims that he doesn't own any SIRIUS stock so they don't have to worry about that.
Jon asked Gary about the chess club that Howard went to. They spent a few seconds on that and then talked about Howard telling the stories about his sister and his parents. Jon said that Howard called himself a Mama's boy and wondered if that's what he really was. They spent a minute on that and then Jon took another phone call.
The caller asked Benjy what drug he was on when he was at the AVN Awards because his lower jaw was doing all kinds of weird stuff. Benjy claims that he wasn't on any drug and he's not sure why that was happening. The caller also asked Gary a question about some Jamaican guy that had a name that was like Gary's last name and his Baba Booey name. The guy wanted to know if Gary ever found him. He said he didn't and kind of laughed at the guy's question.
Another caller asked about this entourage that Artie has going out to shows and stuff with him. Teddy said that it's just him and JD who are with him all the time. He said that JD comes along with them and helps out with sound checks and stuff. Teddy said that he's gotten to know JD pretty well and it's better to get along with someone than hate them. He said that because he thinks that Jon and Gary hate him. Jon said that he doesn't hate him, he just goofs on him on the show a little bit. The guys had to wrap up a short time later. They all got in their plugs and wrapped up a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about how he had pinworms when he was a little kid. He said that Greg Fitzsimmons did his show last night and he was saying that his kid had pinworms. He said that he remembers when he had them when he was a kid and he probably got them from playing in the dirt. He said that his ass itched all the time from what he remembers and he's not sure how his mother knew that he had them. Robin said he probably dragged himself across the carpet like a dog does.
Howard remembered that he had to bring in a stool sample so his mom had him shit in a cardboard box. He said he has to call his mother later to ask her about that. He said he remembered shitting in the box and he could see the worms living in the shit. Robin said she had a dog that had them and she remembered seeing them in the shit too.
Artie said that it would be great if there was a reincarnation thing and Hitler came back as a pinworm living in someone's shit. He wondered what would happen if you never took care of those worms and he was still itching down there. Howard said he'd probably still be dragging his ass across the carpet. They talked about how that kind of stuff must have driven people nuts back in the old days when they couldn't take care of that.
Howard said that he had a lot of stuff to get to this morning. He had a couple of Penthouse Pets coming in and also a guy who has a giant rubber band ball. He said that the ball is bigger than his car and he wants to know why a black guy is into that stuff. He said that he's standing on the ball in the picture and it looks taller than his house.
Howard said that guy looks kind of nerdy but he is trying to look cool in the picture. Artie said he took a closer look and he did think that he was kind of nerdy.
Howard said the woman was telling him about some of the stuff she does on that show and how much fun she has doing it. He said that it sounded pretty wild to him. He said she looked really good too. He's not into working out with women who can beat him up though.
Howard asked Robin about the story she told about going out to California and how she kind of forgot about that. He asked her how long she was out there. She said she was there for maybe 24 hours last Friday. She flew out on Thursday night and had to see someone out there so she spent just the day. It turns out she had to use a machine out there that they don't have in New York. It's an EEPC machine that squeezes her and helps her out with her fat.
Artie didn't get that and asked her why she goes out there to get squeezed. She said that it's all about recirculating the blood in your lower body back into your upper body. Howard figured that she had to pay a lot of money to fly out and back and to use that machine. Robin said that it's part of her health regimen and she has to do it.
Howard said that Beth came home yesterday and he really does feel bad for her that she's with him. He said that he really loves her and he's very blessed but she's not that lucky to have him. He said that this is very silly and he shouldn't bring it up. He said he told Gary about it and said that it wasn't going to come up on the air. He said that Beth told him that Doug Goodstein showed up at the baby shower and he found that kind of surprising but that's not what bugged him.
Beth told Howard that Doug stopped by with his baby and then he heard that Doug had taken a picture of himself with the baby in his chair in the studio. He said he started to get really bummed out about that and it started to eat away at him. He said that it was making him nuts that someone would do that to him. He said he knows that people will sit in someone's chair like that and it's no big deal. He said that if Doug had asked him to do that, he'd be fine with it. Robin said that it's just Doug too and it's not someone that he doesn't trust messing with his stuff, like Cabbie having sex in the studio.
Howard said that he loves Doug and it's really not a big deal. Artie told Howard he thinks that he's overreacting. He said that it's Doug and he's known him for 14 years. Howard said that sometimes his equipment gets messed with and it takes forever to get it back the way it was so that kind of stuff bothers him. He said he doesn't know if Doug's kid was messing with the equipment or not.
Howard said that everyone is right, he shouldn't make a big deal out of it. He said he wasn't going to bring it up to his shrink or not after the guys suggested that he do that. He said he wants out of therapy so bad. Robin told him that this shows that he still has to go.
Doug came in so Howard asked him if he's out of his mind. Doug told him that it was just he and his little kid, she wasn't touching anything. He said that it was kind of cute. He brought his daughter to work and it was a fun day. Howard told him that maybe he should have taken a picture of her in his chair instead. Doug said he did that too. Doug told him that this is crazy and obsessive. He said that it's no different than the cleaning lady touching his chair.
Howard said that when Doug does this it makes people think that it's okay for others to do it too. Doug said that's not going to happen. Howard asked him if it's okay to put his daughter on the Sybian. Doug told him to stop with that. He asked what would happen if Jason came in and took a picture in the chair with someone. He said that if Doug had come to him and said that he was going to do this, he'd be fine. He said that it's just a courtesy.
Howard asked if it's okay for Jason to bring a nephew in there and take a picture in the chair. Doug said that would be fine in his mind. Howard told everyone to feel free and come in and take pictures. He said that Doug thinks that it's okay so he shouldn't think that much about it and let everyone do it.
Fred was asked if he'd do something like that and he said he knows better. He said that he would never do it because he knows that Howard would be bugged by this. He said that he's a germ-phobe and he wouldn't want to get him sick and take the blame for it.
Howard said that Fred isn't one of these freaks with a camera who has to take pictures constantly. Fred said that's true, he's not that obsessive about pictures. Howard said that Doug is a nut and most people don't go around taking pictures of everything. Robin said that Howard's dad would take him to his job and record stuff. Howard said that's not the same, that was his dad's recording studio, this isn't Doug's studio.
Howard said that he has never even had his own daughters sit in that chair. Robin said that he had to have done that at some point but he insisted that he hadn't. Robin asked if the people who wanted to sit in the captain's chair on the set of Star Trek should have to ask William Shatner to take pictures in that chair. Howard said that they should have to go and ask the producer of the show.
Doug said that he didn't even thinks that much about that picture and if he had, he would have asked Howard for his permission before doing it. Doug joked that he was sitting on a towel that was the property of the TV show so he should get off of that. He was just joking though and said he was stretching a little bit.
Robin said that this is a TV set and Howard shouldn't worry about it. He said that it was SIRIUS' property but Doug said that it's actually a joint project and it was both SIRIUS and In Demand's studio.
Robin said that she thinks that she may have had her nephew sit in that chair and take pictures too. She apologized for doing that because she had no idea that she was doing wrong. Howard asked if Scott Greenstein should be allowed to bring anyone in there to sit in his seat. Robin said that would be wrong and so would the interns. Howard asked where the cut-off is. They were bringing up people like JD and Benjy and others and Robin said that it would be wrong for JD. She thinks that he should have to ask.
Robin said that the only person she never wanted in her room was Daniel Carver. She said she was afraid of him, that's why. Doug asked if they should get a different chair to sit in back there so they can have some pictures taken. Howard said that Doug should be allowed to do whatever he wants. He said that he really thinks that if he wants to do a photo shoot, he should have to get permission.
Howard said that he's not even sure what's so special about his chair. He said that it seems to be a power trip and it shows what he can get away with there. He said that the only reason he took the picture is because it's Howard Stern's chair. He said that he's a real human being and he's not Captain Kirk.
Howard said that Beth told him about this picture and he went nuts when he heard about it. He said that it shouldn't be a big deal but it has turned into one now. Howard said that Doug stole a camera on 9/11 but Doug said he broke into a store to feed firemen. He said that they used a store to feed them and the cops and firemen are the ones who broke the windows to get into the place. He didn't want to get into that.
Howard asked if it's okay for JD to bring in his niece to take pictures. Doug said that would be fine in his opinion. Artie said that he'd tell people not to go anywhere near that chair.
Robin asked Doug if it would be okay for her to bring someone in and sit in Scott DePace's director's chair. Doug said that would be fine, she can have anyone sit in there. Doug said that his daughter didn't touch anything, she sat there for 2 seconds so he could take a picture. Robin said that they should auction off the chance to sit there.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that it's just a chair and she can't believe that he's going this crazy. Howard said that she must be the voice of sanity and she must be right. He said that anyone who wants to sit there can sit there without permission. He said he doesn't even get why anyone would want to sit there. Robin said that if he got to see the Space Shuttle, wouldn't he want to sit in the captains chair. Howard said no but Robin thinks that anyone would want to sit there and that's what his chair is like.
Doug said that he wasn't trying to sneak this picture in and he really didn't catch him doing anything wrong. Doug asked Howard if he's going to put his kid in the chair when he and Beth finally have a kid. Howard told him he's not having a kid and he wouldn't sit them in that chair.
Howard said that he wanted to know where Doug's car was so he could sit his kids in his car. Doug said that anyone can do anything they want to his stuff, except shit in his bed. Howard told everyone he just wants people to ask him if it's okay to do something like that. Doug asked if he would hold his kid if he brought her in. He said he would never do that but he wanted to know. Howard said he has no desire to hold anyone's kid and anyone who makes you pose with their kid is sick.
Doug said that he wouldn't put his kid on that couch they have in the studio because of all of the porn stars that have sat there. He said he knows that Howard is clean. Howard told him that he should go have his kid sit in Mel Karmazin's chair. Doug said he doesn't work there, that's why he wouldn't do that. He doesn't think that this is disrespectful at all and told Howard to take some calls about this.
Howard took a call and the guy told him that he's out of his mind with this stuff. He said that it makes for great radio but he's fuckin' crazy. Howard said that everything is loosie goosie around there. Doug said that he never disrespects Howard and that's not what he was doing with this.
Tim Sabean came in and said that they were going through the names of the people who they think have no business being in the offices there. He said that they want people to stay the fuck out of that area. He said that they just wander around there and they think that it's okay. Howard said that it makes him crazy when he sees people that don't belong back there wandering around. He said that he has to ask Ross to stay out of there because it isn't a club house.
Gary said that they used to have a lot of technical people on the list of people who were allowed back there and they had to cut that list down to stop the people from coming in. Tim said that people claim they have a lot of important work to do there and that's just not the case and he wants them to stay the fuck out of there.
Tim said that if someone hits the board or the buttons on the console, it can screw things up. Doug told Tim to go kiss Howard's ass more. He said he would never touch anything over there and he didn't let his daughter do that. He knows that Howard is going to tell him after this that it was just a bit for radio.
Double A called in and said he agrees with Howard about all of this and he would never do something like Doug did. Fred said that he's not sure he'd take his word for this because he's a name dropper and he's heard things about him taking stuff that doesn't belong to him and things like that. Howard said that Double A has a picture of him on his business card too and it true that Double A is name dropping. Double A said he doesn't claim that he works for Howard but he is part of the show.
Double A wanted to tell Howard not to ruin that perfect body of Beth's. He said that he saw Jessica Alba on Letterman last night and she looks horrendous.
Bobo called in and said that he got a tour of the studio one time and they were all told that they aren't to go anywhere near the console. He said that they were up there to do the Superfan Roundtable show and they were all kept away from that stuff. Howard said that he wants a velvet rope set up around his console so people will stay away form that stuff.
Robin asked Howard if he would let his father sit in the chair. Howard said his father would never come up there and do that. He said that Doug wouldn't let his kid sit on the couch in there because of germs, he's feeling the same way about his chair, he doesn't want everyone sitting in that chair and putting their germs on it.
Robin said that Doug wasn't giving Howard the shiv by putting his daughter in the chair. He wasn't trying to disrespect him at all, he never disrespects him like that. Tim said he thinks that it's innocent but no one should ever be behind that console other than Howard.
Bobo asked if they had more free reign over at K-Rock. Howard said that it was worse over there, they let anyone in that studio and anyone could sit in there.
Doug said that he got thrown out of the baby shower yesterday and he's not sure why. Howard told him that it's a ladies shower and he had no business being there. Doug said he showed up at the end of the party. Howard said that's not what happened, he showed up an hour into it. Robin said it was more like an hour and a half. She said that when his wife called him, he was there within seconds. Doug said it was only 6 blocks away.
Howard said that the girls saw Doug staring at them with those bug eyes of his and that's why they threw him out. He said that they wanted to do some girl talk and they didn't want a man in there. Howard said he just wants people to stay off his chair or at least ask his permission. Fred told Howard to lock that chair up because Doug is planning on having more kids and he'll probably be bringing them in. Howard told Doug to take a picture of the chair and just photoshop the kid into it.
Artie did an impression of Doug's kid and told Howard that she took a steaming shit in his chair. He also said that his father was a lunatic. Howard said that Doug didn't bother putting his kid into Benjy's chair. He kicked Doug out after that and said that was the first hour of the show taken care of.
KC has all kinds of teeth problems and a double hernia as well. He's a mess. He told Howard about the hernia and how freaky that looks. He said that he used to have an innie belly button but now it's an outie. Artie said that Howard has an outie too. Howard said that's an Audi, not an outie.
KC said that he sharted yesterday too when he was e-mailing Gary because he was so nervous about everything. He thanked Howard for letting him plug this stuff and said that they're still his family. He got off the phone a short time later.
Artie said that KC always wanted to go to California and he really likes it out there. Robin said that things don't sound that good for him though.
Howard and the guys spent a few more minutes talking about Doug's picture in the chair. Artie asked if he thinks that Rob Burnett would ever do that over at Letterman and have his kid sit in Letterman's chair. Howard said that Rob would never even think of doing that because he's too busy and too creative to sit his kid in Letterman's chair.
Artie said that he likes that Fred said that he would never do this because he knows that this is what would happen. Fred said that's right and he's not sure what show Doug works for because he should know that this is what would happen too. Artie said that if he's going to sit his kid in Howard's chair, he should stick the kid on the couch too.
Howard said that he's happy to hear that he's not calling her. Eric said that he's staying busy working and he's also been working with Eric the Midget on that Johnny Fratto Social Club web site JFSC.tv. Howard was going to let him go but Eric told Artie about the woman he brought to the comedy show the other night. He said it wasn't the chick that he threatened, it was someone else that he's known for 3 years. Howard let him go and went to break a short time later.
Scott came in and said that he did sell more than 10 when Howard asked him about that. Scott said that they have new software to go along with the Video Caddy and they're trying to figure out which way to go with that. Howard said he didn't care and sent him away.
Lisa said that she spoke to Dr. Brady from the Marshall Chess Club where Howard went to play last week. She said that he said that Howard was actually very good at the game. Howard said that he'd like her to leave the man alone. She said that they really didn't care that Howard had walked into the room there either. Lisa said that Scott Ferrall is going to Arizona for the Super Bowl and he's going to have a bunch of Hooter's girls there with him.
Howard asked Joel if he's a nerdy black guy. Joel said that he's really not, but he does work at the Gap. He said that he stocks the shelves there at night. Howard asked him how old he is. He's 26 and he started this ball when he was 22. Howard wondered what would possess him to do this. He said it seems like a waste of time. Joel said that he thinks that he could do his ball better than the old balls. He said that his will weigh about twice as much as the current record holder. He said that he got 5000 pounds from a sponsor and they helped him out with that.
Joel said that he lives in his aunt's house and not at his parent's house. He said that he gets to live there for free. Howard wondered if he gets laid, or if he ever got laid. Joel said that he's not a virgin but he hasn't gotten laid in about a year. Howard said he'd put more energy into getting laid rather than this rubber band ball.
He said that the rubber bands on this ball look like they're specially made. He said that they are huge rubber bands that are made for furniture. He said that he's constantly adding to it and it sits outside of his house all the time. He said that people tell him he's wasting his time but lately they've changed their minds.
Joel said that he hasn't filed to get into the Guinness Book of World Records. Artie asked him if he would get upset if someone sat their kid on the ball and took a picture. He said he wouldn't.
Howard asked Joel if he would be the one black guy at a Van Halen concert. He said he's into Marilyn Manson and rap and pretty much everything else. Howard asked him some other questions trying to figure this guy out. He asked if he plays chess or something like that. He said he doesn't.
Gary said that he's heard that if these rubber bands snap back when he's putting them on, they can rip through his pants. Howard asked him how many women he's had in his life. He said that it's probably 4 or 5. Howard said that he's still young so he has time to get more.
Howard asked Joel what else he's working on. He said that he's going to go for a record of the most needles in his face. Howard tried to give him some advice and told him not to be sticking needles in his face. He's doing stupid things and he really doesn't need to do this. Joel said that he is thinking of going back to school for zoology. He said he'd like to study animals but he doesn't like water and he can't swim so he won't be doing anything in the water.
Howard told Joel to get to work and make a future for himself. Joel said that he's hoping to be able to take this rubber band ball to car shows and stuff. Howard said he likes this guy and he wished him luck with Guinness. Artie told him to call them when the ball gets to 20,000 pounds. Joel said that he's going to throw it out of an airplane when it gets that big. Howard asked him if he's ever rubbed up against the ball and had sex with it. He said he never did. He's not in love with the ball either.
Howard asked if the ball has a name. Joel said that it's called either Nugget or Megaton. He said that he once got hit in the balls by a snapped rubber band and he was knocked out for about 15 minutes. Artie got a laugh out of that. Artie asked him if he likes that song Rubber Band Man. Joel said that he's not a fan of that.
Howard asked Joel who he is supporting in the election. Joel said that it will probably be Hillary Clinton. Howard said he might call the campaign headquarters and tell them that Rubber Band Man Joel Waul support her.
Howard said that Joel is still working on his ball but he's probably got the official world's largest ball. He just has to get the confirmation from Guinness. Howard asked if he's every thought about making a giant ball of feces. Joel said that he'd probably pass out trying to make something like that.
Howard let Joel go a short time later. Artie said that's pretty impressive if you ask him. Robin said that he could probably have a giant ball of drugs if he had saved them instead of doing them.
Howard read some articles about the XM/SIRIUS merger and how people just want it to go through already. He read one article where they list other mergers and how long they took to go through. The chevron/Texaco merger went through in less time. There were some other companies like phone companies that went through in much less time.
Howard said he had another article about an advertiser that's suing Don Imus over some disparaging remarks he made about their company. Howard said that the guy is shitting all over this company and they have every right to sue and he hopes that they win.
Howard said that they have a lot more to get to today. He said that he's going to get to the Gary Garver stuff after the break. He has some stuff about Benjy and some Richard Simmons crying clips to play too. He was talking about how right Tim Sabean was about keeping the halls clear there of all people they don't need back there in the offices.
Howard said that they were going to start blocking the people who don't need key access to that area. He said that he loves Scott Greenstein but he uses his card to come back and use their bathrooms. He said that Ross does that as well and it's making him nuts.
Howard said that it's like a social club back there and he wants it stopped. Gary said that JD told him that on Friday it's the SIRIUS tour day and they bring people through there. Howard said they have to put a stop to that as well. He complained about all of that for a few minutes and then went to break.
Howard said he heard that there's a satellite that's failed and it's supposed to come crashing down sometime in the next couple of weeks. He quickly went over that and then said he was going to get to the Gary Garver stuff.
Fred played a clip of Scott the Engineer saying ''Fuck everyone!'' and that led to Howard talking about Scott's black cloud and how he had to pay an extra $10 to park a car that he doesn't usually drive there. Howard said that everyone else gets away with it and they let them slide, but not Scott. Scott said that it's got to be him. He said that he even gave the guy a nice Christmas gift.
Howard heard that Scott was pissed that he wasn't going to Amsterdam with the rest of the guys for Jason's bachelor party. Scott said he wasn't mad, all he said was that he wasn't invited. He said Doug Goodstein asked him and he told him he just wasn't invited. Howard said that Scott was the only one who wasn't invited to Will's wedding too. Scott said that he's used to that now.
Howard asked Will why he didn't invite Scott. Will came in and said that Scott is the cut off. He said that he invited some of the interns and he's really not that friendly with Scott. He said he felt like he had to invite some people, but not Scott. He said he's really a buzz kill at parties and he's glad he didn't invite him. He said that he isn't hurt over it. Scott told Will that he's an asshole but he said he was already over it.
Howard said that he doesn't get the bachelor party and how Jason is making people fly to Amsterdam. Jason came in and said he's not making anyone do anything they don't want to. He's always wanted to go there and that's what he's doing. He said that he didn't ask any married guys to go and he never even thought about inviting Scott. He said that he is a buzz kill and he probably wouldn't have gone anyway. Scott said that's him, Buzz Kill Salem.
Howard said that he was going to have a little wedding for him and Beth and Scott was probably going to be left off of that invite list. He said that they had it figured that they were going to do something private for the family and then do some stuff with friends. He said he wanted to keep it down to 80 people and that was it. He didn't want to be Fred and get married on a beach and not invite anyone. Fred said that it was much easier that way. Fred said he has no problem with his friends resenting him over that.
Robin pointed out the wedding thing and how he got upset with her for going out to dinner with Howard for his birthday. She said he had no right to get mad at her for that when he didn't invite her to his wedding.
Howard said that Beth came up with a list of people for this party and she had some other famous people on the list. He said that he wasn't sure he wanted to do that because famous people are expecting to see other famous people, not getting stuck sitting next to Scott the Engineer.
Howard said that the problem getting married is that they have all of these people he works with. He said that it's the difference between having 80 people and 130 people. He said that if he invites any of this group from work, he has to invite them all. He said that Benjy has to be on the list of the second group, not the main group of Robin, Fred, Artie and Gary.
Fred suggested that they get a screening room and stick the second tier of people somewhere that they can watch the other party for the first tier. Howard said that if he goes that ''Fab Five'' route and invites no one else, he'd be fine. If he invites Jason and Will, then other people will feel hurt. He said that there's no way that Sal is going to get invited no matter what. He said that he was talking to Beth about that and how she said that she would never let him come because of the names that he's called her in the past. He said that she goes berserk when his name comes up.
Sal came in and said that he feels like he's kind of paid for those Hampton's weekends that they have, indirectly, and he's gotten past all of that stuff and he's kept his mouth shut since he upset Beth. Sal ended up comparing himself to Hitler's soldiers who threw the Jews into the ovens. Fred said it seemed like he was about to blame Howard for all of that stuff he said about Beth.
Howard said that Richard is fine coming to the wedding. Beth has no problem with him. Robin said that Sal and Beth were actually close for a while until he let loose with his jokes. He blew it.
Howard said that he and Beth talked about this Sal thing and she's never going to let him come. She would let Sal's wife come to the wedding though. Howard said that they should have her there and let her bring her emotional friend with her. Sal said he can live with that if that's really Beth's wish.
Howard said he knows that he's going to hurt a lot of people by not inviting them. He said that he's got other friends that he has to invite and they don't work with him. He said that Jimmy Kimmel wants to know when he's getting married because a friend of his is getting married this year too. Howard said that he is inviting Jimmy because he's so close to him. He's a definite invite. If he invites him to that he'll have to invite John Stamos. He's not sure about Sam Simon but Beth wants him there because she wants him there.
Sal said that it sounds like Howard is letting Beth control this whole wedding thing and he's letting her wear the pants in that relationship. He thinks that Howard really wants him there and he's letting Beth control it. Howard said that he's probably not even going to have the second tier guys there anyway.
Howard said that there's no way he's going to be able to keep it to 80 people. He said that it's almost impossible to do that.
Garver asked Vanessa if she's worried about Artie Lange's health. She said that she listens to him every day and she would like to help him get healthy. Garver asked her if she's ever had sex in her movie trailer. She said she did that once in a B-movie she did one time. She didn't say the name of the guy but they looked him up and found out that his name was Sam Jones. He played Flash Gordon in a movie that she was in.
Garver also asked her to describe Howard in one word. She said that he's amazing. The guys talked about how into the show she seems to be and how cool that was. Artie asked her to come out and help him out with his diet so he can bang her. Howard told Gary to call Vanessa and ask her if she'd bang Artie if he lost 100 pound in four months.
Howard said that Hal Holbrook was up next with Garver. He said that he's in a new movie called ''Into the Wild.'' Howard said that he got irritated with Gary pretty quick. In the clip Garver asked Hal if he misses the spotlight. Hal asked in what sense he means that. Garver asked him if he's been doing anything lately. Hal told him about the movie that he was there to talk about and how he had worked with Sean Penn. Then Garver asked him if he's tired of the Jews running the entertainment business. Hal said that was a ridiculous question and told him that it wasn't good thinking. Garver asked him if he had ever had sex in his trailer and he walked away.
Up next was John Laroquette. Howard played that one and Garver has some trouble getting his line out. He asked John about some Anti-Semitic remarks that Mel Gibson made but he wasn't able to get out the words. There wasn't much of a response from John.
Howard played the next interview with Chris O'Donnell. Garver asked him if he had any funny stories about Artie. Chris said that he was just listening to the show in his car. He said he didn't have any good stories and Artie seemed to have the good stories to tell himself. Chris said that he is worried about his weight though. He said it looks like Artie is having a good time and he'd hate to see him kill himself. Garver asked him if he thinks that Artie could have banged Renee Zellwegger like he claimed he could have. Chris said he thinks that maybe he should have tried. Gary asked him if he's ever had any sex partners that had smelly genitals. Chris said that they do have to keep clean or he wouldn't be with them. Garver asked Chris to describe Howard in one word but he gave him ''he's the man.''
Up next was John Daly. Garver asked him some questions about OJ, Britney Spears and things like that. Daly said that he loves Britney Spears and he'd love to have her baby sit him. He said that he doesn't care about what other people think about her. Gary asked John if he listens to the Howard Stern Show. John said he does. He asked him to describe him in one word. He said ''Funny in a dirty way.'' Garver asked him about voting for a Scientologist for President. Daly didn't know what a Scientologist was. He asked him a few more questions about having a partner with smelly genitals. John said that he has but after 5 minutes or so you don't worry about it anymore.
Howard said that Garver got an interview with Taylor Hicks from American Idol. He asked Taylor if he listens to Howard. He said that he actually does and he'd do the show. He said that maybe Howard is the one with smelly genitals after Garver asked him about that. Howard said that his penis probably does smell because he pees on his balls and it just gets stinky down there. He said he doesn't like to touch his penis when he goes to the bathroom and just lets it dribble down his balls. He said that he doesn't want to wash his hands so he doesn't touch it. Howard said that all of this stuff goes through his head and it's always a conversation in there.
That smelly balls conversation led to Artie bringing up Jim Florentine's balls and then Howard was asking her if his balls are as big as Jim claims they are. Robin said that she has no idea what he's talking about. She said that she and Jim are waiting for marriage before they have sex. She was giggling when she said it though. The guys asked her if she would marry Jim if he asked her to do that. Robin just laughed. Fred did his Jim impression and asked Robin to marry him. Howard thinks that Robin will eventually be married even though she may not realize it now. She said ''whatever''' and didn't seem to believe that it was ever going to happen.
Howard moved on to another Garver interview with Tom Driessen. Garver started out with ''Do you miss the spotlight?'' Driessen told him that he's in the spotlight and he still does over 385 shows a year. Then he walked away. Howard said that might be the best question ever.
Howard said he can't believe that Artie didn't bang these chicks. Artie said that the girls were in his room and hung out for a while but then they left. He didn't have sex with them. He said that they didn't get naked either. Howard asked him a few questions about getting his finger in them but he said that didn't happen either. He swore to god that it didn't happen.
Howard asked if he really shot pool with them. He said that they did hit the ball around but they didn't really play. He said that they could ask Teddy if they wanted to and he'll confirm the story. Artie also said that he never snorted coke off their asses. Howard asked him if he ever did that with a woman. Artie said that he actually did. Howard said that he had to take a break before bringing the girls in. He checked out the picture that Artie had with the girls and said that it looks like he was trying to cop a feel. Artie said that he had a good time hanging out with the girls at the AVN Awards.
Howard said he has to ask the girls why they didn't at least blow Artie after the AVNs. Artie said he'd like to know that as well. Howard said he's not sure which girl he'd want over the other. He asked Artie which one he'd pick. Artie was still going with the girl from Belize. He said he really likes that one. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said that these two girls hooked up with Artie out in Vegas when he was out there for the AVN awards. He said that one of the girls goes by the name Prinzzess. Her real name is Sarah and she said that it means Princess but the name Princess was already taken for a web site so she went with Prinzzess. Howard also introduced Erica Ellyson who was also at the AVN awards with Artie.
Erica said that she was able to get to Artie through Teddy. She said that she's single too so Howard asked her about what went on with her out in Vegas. He said that Prinzzess is engaged but Erica isn't. He wondered why they didn't do anything with him. Artie said he didn't even know it was a date but both of the girls said that it was a date.
Prinzzess said that she would go out with Artie even if it wasn't dinner and it was just hanging out. She said that she likes Artie but she has a fiancé and a girlfriend. She said that she hasn't fucked anyone else but she may have let someone put a finger in her. Artie asked if she was saying that she'd let him make out with her tonight. He said that he could take them to Letterman tonight. The girls seemed to like that idea.
Howard said he thinks that Artie may have been afraid to put the moves on the girls. They said that he was very nice and a gentleman. Howard asked if they were really playing pool that night in his hotel room. They didn't seem to remember that but Artie said there was a pool table right there in the room.
Howard asked the girls what they thought Artie wanted. One of the girls said that they must have intimidated him and he didn't go for it with them. Artie said that they're talking a big game right now, he got the vibe that they weren't into him. They said that they probably weren't interested in him that night.
Howard asked Erica if she was interested in him that night. She laughed but she said that she would have gone on a second date with him. Howard said that they have to commit to putting out if they're going to go to Letterman tonight. One of the girls said she's heading home this afternoon. Howard asked if either of the girls wanted to go. They both wanted to go to Letterman so Howard was trying to make a deal for Artie.
Howard said that Artie is going to go to Letterman and he's going to be in all his glory. He said that every comedian wants to be on Letterman and the girls would be treated like a queen over there. He said that they're going to take pictures of the girls on his arm and all of that good stuff. He said that when they go back to his room at the hotel, the girls will have to give him some treats. He said that a night with Artie will take them to the next level and out of the obscurity they're in. He said that joking around.
Howard asked Prinzzess what Artie could get if he took her to Letterman. She said that it would depend on how nice he is. She said that he just has to be nice to her. Howard told her that Artie ended up putting his last girlfriend into his movie ''Beer League'' and that was a major motion picture. Artie laughed when he heard that.
Prinzzess said that she would kiss Artie if he brings her to the show with him. She said that she would kiss him on the lips and see how good of a kisser he is. Erica said that if Artie shaved his face, she'd be willing to do something like that. She said she'd also let him suck on her nipples a little bit. Artie said that this is like being back in 6th grade.
Howard said that this sounds like a good second date to him. Prinzzess said that maybe they could do a 3-way kiss. Then they said that it could turn into a threesome. Howard asked Artie if he had a hotel room there in the city. Artie said that the girls should have a room. He lives across the river in Hoboken but Howard told the girls he has a hotel room to use for girls.
Howard asked to see what the girls would look like kissing each other. They did a quick kiss and showed that off. Gary said that Prinzzess has a girlfriend and she's out in the green room, and she's super-fuckin-hot. Howard asked Prinzzess some questions about the girlfriend and what she does with her. She said that she doesn't really mess around with other guys or anything. Artie said that he got a lot of vague answers from her out in Vegas.
Prinzzess said that she brings some of these girls home with her sometimes so her man appreciates that. Howard said he wanted to see this girl so Gary brought her in. Howard said that she's really hot and asked why she's not in Penthouse. She said she's thinking about it. Howard asked how often she has sex with her. She said that they hook up whenever she's in town. She bartend's at a Gentleman's club in Ft. Myers, Florida (Escapades). She's 20 years old and Prinzzess is 21.
Howard asked the girls how they met. Prinzzess said she was doing a amateur show at the club when she met her. She said that she got her phone number and ended up kissing a little bit. She said that they had to be careful what they were doing back stage there. She said that they went home together that night and they did stuff while her boyfriend watched.
Howard asked the girls to demonstrate for them what they did that night. He had them taking each other's clothes off and showing them what they were doing that night that they got it on for the first time. Eric asked why her clothes were on and why Artie wasn't there taking her top off. Howard told her that they'd reenact this Letterman evening with her soon.
Howard said that Prinzzess was taking off her girlfriend Nikole's top. They were showing the guys what they did that night and explaining how the boyfriend got into it. Nikole said that she remembers jumping on top of the boyfriend to make him feel more comfortable. She said that she didn't really do anything to him, Prinzzess took care of that. She said that she didn't do anything that first night but it sounded like something may have happened at some other time.
Howard asked Nikole if her boobs were real and she claimed they were but Howard found that hard to believe. Prinzzess claimed hers were real too. Artie wanted to test but Howard was distracted and didn't seem to hear that. Artie said that he wasn't able to get these girls to even play pool that night he was with them.
Prinzzess said that she went and got her vibrator that night and used it on Nicole. Howard asked the girls to strip down completely so he could see what they looked like. Artie said he had to get out of the studio after that. He said that she's the hottest chick they've ever had in there.
Artie said that there's no way he can bring these girls with him to Letterman. He said he could never concentrate on what he has to get done over there if he does that. Howard told him he'll be fine, he has to take the girls with him. Howard asked the girls if Artie could kiss all of their boobs if he brings them to Letterman. The girls said that would be fine and Erica said that she'd even give him a hand job. Howard said that it sounded like he had a great deal but Artie said his head was going to explode.
Artie said he didn't think he'd remember what to say to Letterman if he brings the girls. He said that this date did sound like a great time. Howard said that if the girls don't come through, they have to come in and get spanked by the RoboSpanker or something. Robin said that wasn't much of a punishment.
Howard said that Erica looked amazing and so did Prinzzess. He said that they were really hot. Gary came in a short time later and said that Nikole might be the perfect woman. The guys in the office were all saying that. They had her posing against Robin's news booth and showing off her ass. That led to all three girls going over there to do the same thing. They had them all lined up there showing off their asses. Artie said that this is the greatest fuckin job ever.
Howard found out that Nikole has a boyfriend but he doesn't know that she's been with this other guy. She said that he owns the club that she works at. She said he probably knows now that he's listening to this show. Artie said that he's not going to mess around with her if she's dating the club owner.
Howard gave the girls their plugs and said that you can find out about this Penthouse Party that they're appearing at out in Phoenix. Find out more at ThePenthouseSuperParty.com. You can find out more about Prinzzess at Myspace.com/PrinzzessSahara and Erica at Myspace.com/EricaEllyson.
Artie said that he was taking his Subutex because he was going so nuts about this whole thing. He said that it was actually too much of a good thing.
The girls ended up spanking each other as they were wrapping up. They got in some really hard spanks and complained about it hurting. Artie told the girls to just hang out there all day on the show instead of doing anything else. Howard said that they'd never get anything done if they do that. Artie said that's the idea.
Erica got in a plug for her web site saying that she wants to start a girl on girl web site. You can find out more about that at BNOGirls.com
Howard said he had to do something with the girls before they leave. He asked if they wanted to sit on the Sybian. Prinzzess said that she and Nikole would sit on it. Artie was busy taking his Subutex pills and the TV guys said that he may have taken 3 of them. Artie said that he took a couple and he thinks that he can take 4 or 5 no problem. He said he was trying to figure out an agenda for tonight. He had to try and wipe off the white crap from his lips. The girls were worried that he might be dangerous and try to talk them into doing drugs. Howard told the girls he was fine.
Artie said that he needs to get his head together over all of this stuff. Howard didn't understand what the problem was there. Artie said that they should come to Letterman because his mom is going to get kicked out of the green room.
Gary said that before this segment Howard was saying that the Sybian is old and they weren't going to have the girls ride it. Now he's changed his tune completely. Howard said that his audience would get pissed if he didn't have them do something like this.
Howard had Prinzzess get on the Sybian and told Nikole that she was going to work on her as she was riding the machine. Howard told Nikole what to do and asked Prinzzess if she was going to make a lot of noise. She said that she's not a screamer but she will make some noise. Gary started the machine up and she told him where to stop. Gary kept turning it up though so she had to ask for him to turn it down. Howard had Gary give it a little more juice and she and Nikole made out while that was going on.
Gary scared Prinzzess off the machine when he turned it up too high. Howard had Nikole get on it next. She took it for a ride but she hopped off of it too. She said that it didn't quite happen for her. Gary told her to sit down again and let him control it. He told her to close her eyes and tune them out. She tried it again and said that she wouldn't promise anything. She said that it felt like she was riding a friggin motorcycle. She told Gary it was too hard so Howard told him to take it down a little. She didn't get off so Howard gave up and wrapped up with the girls. He gave them some more plugs and let them get in some more mentions of the stuff that they were doing for Penthouse. Howard wished Artie luck with his Letterman appearance tonight and went to break a short time later.
During the break Vinnie Favale from Letterman's show called in and asked Artie what he needed back stage tonight. Artie and the girls told him what they need there and joked that he needed a bed. Artie told Vinnie to keep Paris Hilton away from these girls, they're his. Vinnie thought that something should happen with them and Artie before the appearance. He thinks that they're going to reneg on the agreement. Howard said that he trusts them.
Howard let Vinnie go a short time later. He told Artie that his lips were still white from the Subutex. He said that he can't drink water because it will screw up the Subutex.
Howard asked Artie if the girls are going to be coming with him today. Artie said that he has to go down there early today and they will be showing up.
Howard asked Artie about the Subutex and why he had to take it. Artie said that when he starts having too much fun, he has to pop the pills. He said that anything that makes him excited makes him want to do heroin and he has to pop the pills. Robin said that this is very sad because he's having fun and all of a sudden he has to take those pills to knock himself back a notch.
Howard said that they had a picture of Artie and the three naked girls. He said he was envious of him right now because he's going to have Erica jerking him off. Artie was laughing and said that those girls really are extraordinary. He said that the 20 year old had a really amazing ass. He said that he can't imagine what's going on down in Florida, it's nutty.
Howard said that the girls were all the right height and looked really good. He asked the guys to throw out the pictures of the girls because it was making him nuts. Howard said that the girls told him that it's really going to go down tonight after the Letterman thing. He said that they know what to do. Fred did his Eric the Midget impression saying ''You know what to do...''
Artie said that he has an interesting set up to his life right now and it's just not right. Howard said he wanted to get off of this because it's bumming him out. Artie said that he's not bummed out, he's just under a lot of stress. He said that he's getting anxiety. He said that if someone had told him that he'd be doing this one day, he would have laughed at them. This is a lot of stress for him.
Artie said that they should get him a hotel room over there at Letterman. He usually turns them down but this time he might need one. He said that he might just take them back to his apartment. Howard told Artie to just get the hotel room and get some room service. He said he doesn't need to take those girls back to his place. David Spade did that and now look at what happened.
Artie said that he heard that these girls will save his load and get themselves pregnant. Howard told him that if he wants to call it all off, just let him know. Artie said that he doesn't want him to do that. He's very excited about this. He's very eager and wants to get it done with.
Steve said that they had another sighting of Gary who was at a Pediatrician's office getting tested for strep throat. Howard asked Gary if that's true. Gary said that his son went to get tested yesterday and he tested positive. He went in and tested at the same place to make sure he doesn't have strep. He said that it wasn't that big of a story. Howard goofed on him anyway.
Steve said that they have a story about Jimmy Kimmel talking about Adam Carolla's claims that he was offered Artie's job before Artie was. Steve will also have a story about a weight guessing game that's going on over at SaveBabyGorilla.com. They have all of that and a few other stories that they're working on for today's Howard 100 News.
Howard took another call from Vinnie Favale who suggested that they put all of Artie's people in a green room and he'll bring in just one person at a time so he has an audience instead of a crowd in the room with him. He said that it's always too much. Artie said that he brings a bunch of people with him and he'll let Vinnie handle it.
Vinnie said that when Artie is there, he's always got a ton of people in the room with him so he thinks that they should limit the number. Artie agreed to that. He said that it would be fine, whatever Vinnie wants to do. Howard said that's why Vinnie has that job, he knows how to coordinate all of that stuff. He let him go a short time later.
Howard said that Paris Hilton is going to be wondering what's up with this guy when she sees the fuss being made over him there. Artie said he might want to find out what Paris is up to and invite her to hang out with him and the girls. Howard said with those girls it might just happen.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. They'll be talking about Doug's picture taking in Howard's chair. They'll also talk about Howard's wedding list and Jason's bachelor party list. They've got a bunch of other things to talk about as well so they'll try to cover it all.
Robin said that some of the NY Giants have the flu and are struggling with that before this weekend's big game. They spent some time talking about that and how the Patriots were out there before the Giants go there so they may have had time to acclimate to the climate out there a little more than the Giants.
Howard mentioned that they got the ass pictures of the three girls up on HowardStern.com so that was big news. Robin got back into her stuff and told a story about a guy who had fallen through ice and started screaming. They had some audio of the guy screaming and it got some laughs out of the guys. Fred threw in Steve-O's goofy laugh while they were laughing at that.
Robin read a story about a vending machine that's going to have Viagra and other prescription pills. Howard told Artie that his lips were still white from the Subutex. Artie said he could drink water now so he asked one of the guys to bring him in a glass of water. Howard was laughing at Artie and said that Artie was popping those things like crazy once the girls took their clothes off. He said that he has to make a cartoon of that or something. Artie said that he knows he's troubled and he just can't have fun like everyone else.
Howard said that those pills were just about flying when the girls took their clothes off. Artie said that he's just a mess. He wondered how Heath Ledger is dead before him. Robin said that maybe he had the same problem.
Robin read some more stories and had one about a mother who left her kids at home alone while she ran off to Nigeria to get married. She also had some news about Ted Kennedy and Caroline Kennedy throwing their support behind Barack Obama. That got Howard doing his Kennedy impression a little bit. Artie was also doing his impression although he was a little more subdued than he was yesterday. The massive amounts of Subutex may have had something to do with that.
Robin talked about last night's State of the Union address that President Bush did. Howard said that it's all bullshit, he didn't write that script anyway.
Ralph called back in and said that Artie deserves to have a bad segment tonight. He said that the girls had nice asses. He told him to pop a couple more Subutex. He said that the girls all have really nice faces, especially Prinzzess. He said that he's got to go to Letterman tonight and he's going to call Vinnie to make that happen. Artie told him he can come but he has to stay away from Erica.
Howard let Ralph go and got back to playing some clips from the State of the Union address. He was still doing his Kennedy impression as well and goofing on the whole Mary Jo Kopechne thing. He and the guys were also goofing on Artie a little bit about his ''having too much fun'' complaints.
Robin talked about how Angelina Jolie appears to be pregnant again. She also talked about Britney Spears being in some kind of therapy for her mental problems according to Barbara Walters. She also read a story about marijuana being just as dangerous as cigarettes as far as the amount of carcinogens in the smoke.
Howard said he got some e-mail about the new Rambo movie. He read through some of that and a bunch of people agreed with him about the movie being great. Some people wrote in about the stories he told about his family. He said that some people were complaining about him telling Gary to pick Hillary Clinton when he voted in the primaries. Howard he never claimed to know anything, he just figured that they'd get a 2 for 1 deal if Hillary does win.
Robin got back into her news and read some stuff about Sylvester Stallone and the stuff he takes to keep himself looking good. Howard interrupted that with a little more mail. He said that someone wrote in about Robin never shutting the fuck up. The guy complained about her constant talking and her ignorance about so many things that she inserts her comments into.
Robin asked what's going on with nudists and why they have to do everything naked. Howard said that they are very strange and even stranger than people who want to be clowns. Robin said that they have a nudist airline now and people will be able to fly completely nude. Howard said it's crazy, some kind of obsession. Howard had some fun goofing on those people and their wacky views on being naked. That led to Howard talking about how he found a porn magazine when he was a kid and it was full of nudists playing volleyball. He said it was full of fat assess and ugly people. Artie said that he's not sure how guys fucked girls years ago because girls weren't in the kind of shape they're in these days. Howard said that girls are in really good shape these days and they have hard bodies.
Robin did a story about Heath Ledger so they spent a few minutes talking about that. Artie said that he's not sure why he's getting as much coverage as he's getting there in New York. He didn't think he was that big of a deal. They talked about how big of a deal James Dean's death was and how he only made 3 movies in his short life.
Robin had some clips of Sylvester Stallone talking about the making of his new Rambo movie. She also had some clips of Colin Hanks talking about the movie ''Untraceable.'' That eventually led to Howard talking about Ivan Reitman and how successful that guy was. He said that his son has this hit movie ''Juno'' out now and he worshiped his father when he was growing up. He said that Ivan's son asked him why he never went to the Academy Awards and he was just never nominated for one. His son assured him he'd go one day when he won. Howard said he heard that Ivan's son called his dad and told him that it was time to go when this Juno movie was nominated. He heard that they cried when they talked about that on the phone. Howard said he was touched when he heard that story.
Robin wrapped up her news and Artie threw in a plug for a gig he's doing out in Vegas on Friday at the Mandalay Bay. He said that the after party is at Jet at the Mirage. He's hoping he comes out of this daze he's in before Letterman today.
A woman called in and said that she's on Subutex and she never gets chalky white lips. She said that maybe he's on something else. Howard said that Artie never knew that they were white, they had to tell him. Howard wrapped up with her and ended the show around 10:45am.
Jon introduced everyone in the studio and then got into the stuff that they were going to be talking about today. He said they were going to start with the Doug Goodstein story. They talked about how Fred came up with the Doug ''Badstein'' name after all of that went down today.
Doug said that he's brought about 50 or 60 people through the studio before and none of them ever sat in that seat. He didn't know that Howard was going to react that way to his little baby sitting there. He said that he even showed the picture to Howard and he said that it was cute.
Gary said that Howard came to him and asked if he should talk about it on the air. Of course he told him he should. Doug said that he got in about 6:15 this morning and he knew when he heard that something was bothering Howard, it was the baby picture.
The guys also brought up how Doug ended up going to the baby shower that Robin and Beth threw. Doug said that he wasn't going to go, he was going to watch the baby and he went by to pick up his wife when she told him that they'd be done. He said he wasn't there for the shower, he was just there to pick up his wife. He said he knows some stuff that he has some stuff about Beth that she was talking about at the shower and he said he would never discuss that on the air. He said that it didn't seem to halt them from talking when he showed up.
The guys were trying to find out if someone was saying that they missed their period. Doug joked that it was about pins through a condom or something like that but he was just joking. Gary missed Howard talking about how Beth had asked to have sex without a condom last night but Howard put a stop to that.
Jon played a clip from the show where Howard was talking to Doug about the picture he took with his kid in his chair. after playing the clip Doug said that even if he had asked to take that picture, he still would have caught shit. Doug asked Gary if he thinks that he has some sense of entitlement there. Gary said that he has no arrogance or anything but he is in that position where he does have some entitlement.
Gary said that Howard got mad at him and Ralph one time when they ended up on the stage at Saturday Night Live and took pictures. He said that Howard was upset with them and it wasn't even their set that they were on. Jason said he doesn't think that Doug ever expected Howard to find out about that picture. Doug said that he showed it to Beth so he wasn't hiding anything.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Sal brought his kids into the studio and sat his kids on the Sybian. He wondered if Sal ever took pictures of his kids in Howard's seat. Jason said he didn't because he was the one who took the pictures of his kids on the Sybian.
Gary said that he used to have to sit in Howard's chair at K-Rock because they had to go through carts and stuff in the studio.
Ralph called in and said that Doug should know better and he shouldn't have his kid sitting in Howard's seat, it was a lack of respect in his opinion.
Sal came in so Jon asked him if he put his kids in Howard's chair. He said he knew better than to touch any of his stuff. He said he learned after touching his megaphone. He said that he once sat naked on Howard's console at K-Rock. He wouldn't do that again though.
Ralph said that he was told to sit in Howard's chair one time when they were talking about him looking like Howard and he refused. Doug said that they have a picture of him sitting in that chair though. Ralph said that they don't but Doug insisted that they do.
Sal asked the guys why Howard doesn't have a problem with people sitting in his limo next to him. Gary said that's because Howard is asking them to, he didn't ask Doug to sit his daughter in his chair. Sal said that he's gotten into some trouble with Howard before about that megaphone incident and he knows that Doug got off easy this morning.
A caller told the guys that Doug is a selfish prick and he held that baby up as a human shield. Another caller said that maybe Howard was upset about the whole baby thing and that's why he was taking this out on Doug. She thought that maybe Howard was thinking that Doug was making Beth think about having kids. The guys said that could be the case. Doug said that Beth was enamored with the kid and maybe she was thinking about having kids.
The woman on the phone said that she's new to listening to the show and she's really liking it. Gary told her to keep calling because it's so easy to get through on the show. He said that they're like the TV Guide crossword puzzle, they make you feel good about yourself because you get through on the phone.
A caller asked how crazy Howard would have gotten if someone went to the bathroom in his private bathroom. Gary said that used to happen at K-Rock all the time. The door would get unlocked by the cleaning people and other people would use it.
Bendy said that he remembered that one of the cleaning ladies there at K-Rock used to change the station on the TV in the E! room to watch stuff about the war that was going on in her country. They used to tape E! to watch the show the next morning and that night the woman had been watching CNN instead so they didn't have Howard's show recorded.
A caller asked Doug if it ever occurred to him that Howard doesn't like shaking hands and maybe he wouldn't want to sit his kid in his chair. Doug said that's his problem, he never thought about that. Another caller asked how Ralph has the balls to call in and talk about disrespect when he smashed Howard's award the other day. Jon said that was accidental though.
Jason said that things were out of hand there and they were bringing tours through with little kids and stuff. Gary said that he's supposed to get a heads up before a tour and that wasn't happening. He said that they got into a big argument early on about someone who was in there and she got all pissed when they kicked her out. It turned out that she didn't even work there anymore.
Jason said that he was tapped on the back one day and asked to let the guy in. He had no idea who he was but the guy told him that he had created SIRIUS so he just let him in.
JD's dad Chuck called in and asked how old that chair is that he's got in there. The guys said that it came from K-Rock. Howard really likes that chair and it may be 12 years old at this point. Chuck said that he got a tour of the studio one time and JD told him not to touch anything when he went in there. He said that it's usually the parent telling the kid that. He said that the console was very impressive to him but that chair looked 100 years old. He didn't think that what Doug did was that big of a deal.
Gary asked Chuck for a horn honk before he let him off the phone. He said he loves when chuck does that for him.
Jon said that he thinks that all of the interns took pictures in Howard's chair. He was an intern there and he's pretty sure that everyone was in there. Gary said that it was possible back at K-Rock. Jason asked him if he did it on his own or if someone helped them out. He said that they'd wait for everyone to leave and then run in there and take pictures. Gary thanked him for being honest about that. He said that he'd believe anything went on in there after hearing that someone had sex on the console.
A woman called in and said that she thinks that Beth is going to want to have Howard's kid and that should happen shortly after they get married. Sal agrees with her on that. He thinks that she'll have one within 3 years. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jason left Scott off his list for going to Amsterdam but Jason claims there wasn't an official list, he just decided to go. He said that he talked to Scott about going but Scott didn't show any interest in going anyway. Will said that Scott went to bowl with Jason and he didn't want to go with him.
Jason said that there was an incident with Scott that night and it made them not want to bring Scott again. He said that Scott brought someone with him and it kind of ruined the night. He said that was Scott's story to tell though.
Gary said that Scott always looks depressed and he really is a buzz kill like the guys have been saying all morning. Scott came in and said he gets the buzz kill stuff and he knows that he's not the most exciting guy there. Jon asked him what pissed him off the most about being left out. Scott said that he's used to it now and it doesn't really piss him off.
Jon asked Scott if he wanted to talk about the bowling ally thing. Scott said that he didn't want to get into that. Benjy said that it was someone that he brought with him. They dropped it after that.
Pedro called in and told them not to bring Scott to anything because he's going to bring that black cloud with him. Pedro was also suggesting that they charge people to sit in Howard's seat. Gary told him to call in every day because he loves that accent of his.
Another caller asked Scott what keeps him alive because everything he touches turns to shit. Scott said that it's not everything. Gary said that he loved when Scott told the story about his mother telling them that his mother told him the whole family had a black cloud that followed them around.
Gary asked him what the best luck he had in his life was. Scott thought about it and said that it had to be the job on the Howard Stern Show. They asked him what else there was and Scott said ''Uh, nothin.'' He said that he's won some money bowling and that's luck. Jason suggested that he mention his son but that's not really luck.
Benjy asked Scott if he buys into that black cloud thing. Scott said he doesn't really. Gary said that Scott has a first cousin by the name of Scott Salem. Scott said that he's 5 years older than him and his mother asked his aunt why she would do that and the woman said that she thought of the Scott name first so she was taking it for her son as well.
Jon asked Scott if he's keeping his hopes up that he'll get invited to Howard's wedding. Scott said he'd okay if he doesn't go. Gary thinks that Scott might get invited if Howard goes to that second tier list of Benjy and people like that.
Jon played a clip of Howard talking about who he was thinking of inviting and talked about Sal not being invited. Sal tried to defend himself and said that he think's that Beth shouldn't be holding that stuff against him at this point because it's not him putting that stuff on the internet. He said that he thinks that Howard should put his foot down and let him go. He said that Howard is the man in that relationship and he shouldn't be taking that kind of stuff from Beth. Sal said that he can't do that with his wife because that man is gone after all these years.
Sal said that he thinks that Howard is going to be wearing a bigger dress than Beth will at the wedding. He said that she's already got control of the relationship. Gary asked Sal if it's going to hurt if he's not invited. He said that it will but he'll just move on. He doesn't care that much and it's Beth's day so he doesn't give a shit. Jon asked if Richard will still be invited even if Sal isn't. The guys all agreed that he would probably still be invited even if Sal wasn't. Gary made up a list of people that might go and left Scott off the list again.
A caller asked Sal if he was recorded in his office when Howard said that Beth wasn't going to let him go, would he be getting yelled at by Howard again. Sal said probably not. He said that he lets his thoughts out on the air and he's pretty sure that Beth has no beef with him. Gary said that she obviously does.
Jason said that Sal had apologized for doing this joke about Beth on one of the roasts and then apologized and said that he'd never do it again, then he went out and did it at a comedy show. Sal said that wasn't right and he'd never apologize for a joke.
Mutt called in and said that the stuff that Beth is complaining about is the youtube clips of Sal doing those jokes about Beth at comedy shows, after he had apologized. Sal said he hadn't seen those so he wasn't sure about that. Sal was talking in circles again so Jon tried to reel him in and find out what he was talking about. Sal was saying that he didn't apologize for the joke at the roast, because he'd never do that, but he did apologize for telling the joke at comedy shows after the roast. The guys were trying to figure out what that was all about but Sal said there was nothing to that.
A caller said that Sal is the biggest ignoramus he's ever heard in his life and he just can't admit that he was wrong. Sal said that he didn't deny he was wrong and cursed the caller out. The guys were asking Sal if he really feels he did something wrong or not. Sal said he didn't want to get into all of that. They wanted him to tell the joke but Sal said he wasn't going to fall for it.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he agrees with Sal and Howard's future wife has a horse face. Sal said that's not what he thinks at all. Gary said that Sal is the one who put that out there and that's why Beth is hurt. Sal said that he knows that and he hopes that she has fun at the wedding while he's sitting at home pulling his pud.
The caller said that Jason is the ugliest motherfucker there and he has no right to be putting down Scott the Engineer. Jason said he wasn't putting him down, he likes Scott. Jason didn't know what the guy was talking about. Sal asked Jason if he put on every pound that he lost in the weight loss challenge. Jason said it wasn't all of the weight but a good part of it. He also goofed on Sal's fake tan and said that Sal is upset about the wedding invitation. Sal said that he is upset about it but he's going to get over it.
Ralph called in and asked if he's on any tier of Will's wedding. Will told him that he is on the long list of people who aren't getting invited. Ralph told him not to bother inviting him. Will said he heard that he doesn't give gifts anyway so he wouldn't invite him. Ralph told him not to bother, he wouldn't go anyway.
Ralph said that Sal's jokes were very hurtful to Beth and she got upset about what he said so that's why she's still holding it against him even though he gave her a half hearted apology. The guys said that she's still upset about it because he claimed he wasn't going to tell the joke anymore but he went out and told it two more times.
Sal said that he and Beth were getting along fine, or so he thought, so this did come as a surprise to him. He said that she came up to him at some event they were at and said that things were all good. He said if she doesn't want him at the wedding, that's fine.
A caller told Sal that he doesn't have to worry, his wife will probably be invited to the wedding and she'll take some pictures for him. Sal said that's fine with him.
Another caller said that Sal had apologized to Beth on the show one time and then made the horse sounds on the air and Beth hung up. That's when the shit hit the fan according to Sal. He said he sent a letter to Beth about that and tried to smooth things over. That was about 6 months after it had all gone down. He said that things were okay after that from what he could tell.
Jon asked Will where Scott is on his list of people that aren't going to make it to his wedding. Will said that Scott isn't even on the list. If he was, he'd be right under Wood Yi. Jason said that Scott is on his list and he'd probably be inviting him. Will thinks that's because he doesn't have a lot of friends outside of work. Will said that Scott is one of those people that he just doesn't hang out with outside of work.
Colin Quinn called in and said that he's pretty sure that it wasn't just Beth who didn't want to invite Sal to their wedding. He told Sal that it was both of them who decided on that. He said that it's Sal's crazy hijinx that's keeping him from going to the wedding. Sal said he doesn't have any hijinx going on. Colin said that he does and told him not to give him that shit.
Sal asked Colin if he had any plugs to get in. Colin said he didn't so Sal said he was pretty sure he wasn't working anywhere. Jon had to wrap up after that so he had all of the guys get in their plugs.
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Howard started off the show talking about what they had coming up. He said they'll be playing a game called Beat the Foot. He didn't elaborate on that. He took a phone call who said that he was great on Letterman last night. It's not supposed to air until Friday. He said he was in the audience and saw it live.
Howard asked Artie if he was pleased with his appearance. He said that he thinks that it was actually the best one yet. He said he had a fantastic story to tell this morning about yesterday. He said that the Letterman appearance went really well. He met Paris Hilton in a special room that she had for her and her entourage. Artie said that he has a tiny room to stay in there and Paris had something a little bigger. He said that about 10 minutes before the show Teddy said that Paris wanted to meet him. He didn't know why he'd want to meet her though.
Artie said that he wanted to watch Paris do her interview with Dave and maybe make a funny reference to something that she says and he didn't want to meet her first. She was very insistent though so he went back to meet her. He said she was there like a queen with her feet up on the desk and just hanging out.
Artie said that Paris was stunningly beautiful and she oozes sex. He said that she was very soft and felt like a rich chick. He said that she smelled good and rich. He said that they have a common friend by the name of Jeff Beecher from Las Vegas. He said that she was very nice about everything but they just had some awkward small talk. He said that they went right to Jeff and how they know each other. Artie said that Paris told him that Jeff speaks nicely of him and then there was a pause and some dead silence.
Artie said that he was talking to Paris like any other regular person. He said that he was talking money and stuff like that but it was a very quick discussion. He told Paris not to let Dave fuck with her this time and she just said ''alright, I guess...'' and that was about it. He said that she was very cool and sexy.
Artie said that Paris showed up in a nice dress and changed for the show into another one. He said that she apparently can't do the show in the same dress she showed up in. He watched her segment and he was able to make a couple of jokes about what she said during her segment. He said he didn't catch a vibe about her liking him or anything though.
Artie said that Paris made a reference to how she likes funny guys. He said he used that as a joke during the segment and said he thinks he has a shot at banging her. Howard figured they'd cut that out or bleep it. Artie wasn't sure about that.
Artie said that Paris' segment was good because Dave let her talk and didn't interrupt and she just hung herself by not having anything to say. She'd answer and Dave wouldn't help her out and she'd run out of stuff to say.
Artie said that he was going to talk about this nightmare of his. He said that he's been avoiding talking about how he might be in a relationship and he didn't want to fuck things up. He said that he told Howard about this but Howard disregarded it. Howard said that he learned that about a week ago but he didn't know that he was so serious about it. He said that he's heard Artie offering chicks money before and he figured that this was a good way to set him up. IF he wasn't interested, he should have just said no. He didn't have to say yes to the girl thing.
Howard said that Artie shouldn't be blaming him for all of this but Artie said that he's really not. Robin said she now understands why he was popping the Subutex.
Artie said that he and Dana were talking over the holidays. Robin asked him if he was kidding. She said she thought that relationship was dead. Artie said that they talked over the holidays and they were going back and forth about giving it a try again. She wanted to do it and they went over that for about a month. He said that about 4 days ago, or less, they were on the phone and he said that they should try to do it again. He said that they were going to give it one more shot.
Artie said that he and Dana were talking about the whole monogamy thing and they were going to try and do that. He said that their relationship is very volatile and he had to figure out a way to say this on the air. He said he couldn't figure out how to do that so he held off.
Howard said that the one girl yesterday said she was going to let Artie suck her nipples. Artie said that one of the girls didn't even stick around, she left before Letterman even started. The other girls weren't going to do anything either so he knew that was going to happen to him. He said that they got their Paparazzi pictures taken and that's all they were looking for.
Artie said that Dana used to come to Conan with him and he told her about going to do that show last night. She asked to come with him but he told her that the show was going to know if she showed up because Steve Langford would be there. He told her it wouldn't be fun. She still talked about possibly coming.
Artie said that Dana was possibly going to show up to this Letterman thing. He said that the story gets really good from here. He said that if it happened in a sitcom, it would be unbelievable.
Artie said that the girls were with him and they were so hot. He said that he was going to say something to them about this but they were so hot that he couldn't get it out. He said that their asses were hypnotizing. He would have thrown away his whole life for that. Howard said he was on his web site looking at those asses again last night.
Artie said that he has a lapse in judgment when he agreed to let the girls come with him. He said that Jason was taking creepy pictures with them and stuff like that. He wasn't going to pursue it with the girls but it was so hard to say no. He told Teddy to just make this bit happen for the show. He went home and did his pre-interview before doing Letterman. He said that was really more pressure than Letterman. He said that it was like having some young kid judging him on what he had to talk about. He said that this kid has to take his stuff and go pitch it to Letterman.
Artie got through the pre-interview and went to lay down. He tried to get in touch with Dana who was at work. He ended up not showering and just went down to his car to get out of there. He went to pick up the girls at the hotel. He said that he was thinking about how this wasn't going to turn out very well. He said that the girls looked amazing when they picked them up. He said that they had tight jeans and shirts on and the make-up turned them from a 9.5 to a 10. He said that they were at the corner of 7th and 31st and they really stuck out so much that the driver knew who they were as soon as he saw them.
Artie said that the girls were in fun mode and they were asking about the pictures all of the paparazzi that were going to be there. Vinnie Favale got involved to try and help him out. Teddy made a bunch of arrangements with them and set up a suite in a hotel and a restaurant. Teddy and Vinnie were coordinating everything. He said that Vinnie e-mailed Teddy to let him know what was going on.
Artie said that Vinnie and Dana were very close in the past. He said that Vinnie had e-mailed Dana about all of this stuff while all of this was going on. He said it must have been a mistake or something. Artie said that he had all of these hot chicks with him and Teddy was playing with his phone or playing a video game or something. He said that he popped another Subutex and figured he had the white clown lips when he got to Letterman.
Three blocks before Letterman Artie sees that he's gotten 4 calls from Dana in a row. Teddy said he got an e-mail from her as well. Artie said that he asked the girls to calm down so he could talk about this. Vinnie had e-mailed her with all of the plans so she called and said something that was so hilarious that he had to giggle. He said that she was so mad.
Artie said that he got Dana on the phone and asked where he was and said that she thought she was going to go. She told him that she was going to make the night easy and check him and the girls into the hotel for him because she had the confirmation number. She had all of the plans that Vinnie had e-mailed to her. Vinnie claimed it was completely accidental.
Artie hung the phone up telling Dana that he was going through the tunnel, there was no tunnel. He said that he asked Teddy what e-mail she could have gotten and he told him about the one that Vinnie had sent to him. He said that Teddy read the e-mail and Artie had it there to read to Howard. In the e-mail Vinnie gave every detail about picking up the girls, what time everything was going to happen and where they were going to go after the show. They were going to go to the Penthouse club after the show. Vinnie was also confirming the arrangements about the hotel room that they had booked for that night. Vinnie had every single detail about him being with the girls, the confirmation number and everything.
Artie said that this is what Dana had in front of her. He said that he picked up on Dana and she was being very funny and asking if she could help him out with anything since she did have all of the info. Artie said that she was very funny but he knows she had to be pissed. Then it slowly dissolved into Dana screaming at him about all of this stuff. Meanwhile, the girls in the car were asking for champagne and stuff.
Artie said that he was doing this for the air but she didn't want to hear that. He said that he knew that the girls weren't going to bang him anyway and it really was just a bit for the air. He said that no one knew what to do after that.
Artie pulled up at Letterman and told Dana that he was going to come over to see her. He said that the girls weren't going to do anything and he knew that from the start. He said that he was devastated and he's really not a bad guy. He said he doesn't cheat on anyone and he's afraid that her family might be connected and might have him killed for all he knows.
Artie said that the girls were there telling him that he wasn't any fun and stuff like that. Then Vinnie greets them when they get there. Howard had Vinnie on the phone and told him that he's an asshole. Vinnie was in his bathroom so the phone was echoing. He's not sure how the e-mail even got to Dana. He said that he made a huge clerical error when he e-mailed her.
Howard asked Vinnie about how this happened. Vinnie said that he sometimes gets a name wrong in his Blackberry. He said that he's not even sure what Teddy's last name is but he knows that's how he stays in contact with Artie. He said that he wasn't that close to Dana but he must have had some contact information for her in his Blackberry. He said that he didn't know that Teddy had his own entry in the Blackberry so he assumed that the contact for Artie was Teddy, not Dana. He said he's mortified over the whole thing. Vinnie said that Teddy called and said that he thought that he hadn't gotten the information in the e-mail so he checked the mail he got and thought that it was Artie's sister.
Artie told Vinnie that he tried to call Dana after that but she told him she had company and she hung up on him. Artie said that he was in the green room drinking and eating like mad. He said that Vinnie wrote her back and tried to explain everything but it apparently didn't help. Vinnie said that everything was canceled and nothing ever happened. Artie said that she knows that because he went home and tried to call her all night.
Artie said that he likes Vinnie and he doesn't really have a problem with him. He said that Vinnie wrote a great e-mail to explain everything but she doesn't want to hear it. He said that the girls went to dinner at the Penthouse club without him. He said that he didn't bother going because he wanted to salvage this Dana thing.
Howard said that he could get involved and try to help out with Dana because he has a little bit of a relationship with her. Artie said that he told her to call into the show this morning so she could hear what was going on. Howard said he thinks he could explain the whole thing to her if she did call in.
Howard said that it's good that he had a great Letterman appearance. Artie said that if he had the choice of bombing on Letterman and saving his relationship, or doing great on Letterman, he'd still pick doing great on Letterman.
Artie said that the people that were there taking pictures at Letterman were really creepy. He spent a minute going off on some of those people. Howard said that they could get back at Vinnie for what he did by sending his wife an e-mail about Vinnie getting a stripper pregnant or something. Robin said that this story is a nightmare. She's never heard anything like that.
Howard told Artie to go over to Dana's house and just propose to her. Robin said he can't do that. That's not going to work. She said that she'd think that Artie is crazy if he did that. Howard said that he is crazy. Robin said she got a card from Dana recently and she realized how much she missed her. Howard told her to keep missing her because this isn't going to happen.
Artie said that Steve Langford was there last night and he didn't want to talk to Vinnie about it in front of him. He told Steve that he couldn't hear the story and had to talk to Vinnie in private. He almost asked Paris about what he should do. Howard said that Artie threw away his whole relationship with Dana just so the fans wouldn't call him gay. That's what it boiled down to. Artie didn't turn down the three chicks yesterday because he didn't want the fans calling him gay.
Howard said that Dana needs to know how sorry Artie is. He wanted to be Dana and had Fred as Artie telling her what he did and explaining why he did it. Fred was saying that he should tell her that he wasn't man enough to tell her about this and how he wanted to regain her trust again. He threw in that he was going to buy 5 dogs too so he could show that he loves dogs. Howard's impression of Dana was really starting to aggravate Artie too.
The guys told Artie that Vinnie should have sent Dana an e-mail saying that it was all just a joke and they were goofing around.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she had a feeling that Dana was back in the picture. She told him that he should go get her and go to Vegas and get married. Robin said he'd have to kidnap her to make that happen. Dana said that she has to know she has to put up with stuff like this if her man is in show business.
Another caller said that Robin is right and they have to back off and let Dana and Artie just work this stuff out on their own. Fred said that Vinnie is the one who really screwed up and cock blocked Artie 4 times if you think about it. He cock blocked him with Dana and the three chicks.
Howard was going to do his Grandma Caprio impression but Artie warned him that he was going to have to do his Beth impression and talk about the 80 kids he's going to have with her. Howard wasn't sure he could take that so he backed off.
Jessica Hahn called in and asked Artie about the relationship and if they were actually back together before all of this happened. Artie said that they were working on that. They sorta had a date. King of All Blacks called in and told Artie that he has to blame the show for all of this stuff. He can't take the blame himself.
Artie said that this stuff might work for a rookie girlfriend but not for Dana. She knows better. Artie said that he loves Dana as a 10 on a scale of 10. He said that he really does love her and he's on the edge of madness at this point. He said that there's nothing stopping him from driving to Peru right now and just getting a hut to sit in and do heroin in.
Howard went into his Grandma Caprio impression as Fred was playing some sad love song. He only did that for a minute before dropping it. Robin said that she doesn't know of a bigger fuck up than what Vinnie did to Artie. Howard got back into the Grandma Caprio thing and Artie warned Benjy to stop writing jokes if he ever wanted another gift from him.
Artie eventually got into his Beth impression and got on his megaphone to get back at Howard for his impression. He was talking about poking holes in condoms as if he were Beth doing that.
Howard said that this is really horrible and Vinnie may have ruined Artie's life. He said that there are no mistakes, this could be a psychological thing with Vinnie and he may have been trying to sabotage him on purpose. Artie said that Teddy is lucky that he wasn't the one who was at fault. He said he wouldn't have just fired Teddy, he would have done much worse.
Howard said that to punish Vinnie, he's never going to do Letterman again. He said that Vinnie can go tell Letterman why he's never doing the show again and take the blame. Howard said that this is bigger than the Mike Gange incident that he had when he went porno to an ex-priest. Artie said that it's in the same category of an unbelievable story that would be in a sitcom. No one would believe it if it was in a sitcom.
Howard asked Robin what she'd do if she got an e-mail like that about Jim Florentine. Artie said that Jim isn't a cad like him so he'd never do anything like that.
Howard said he was going to move on but he was very sorry to hear this. He said that he hopes that Artie and Dana can get back together and work things out. Artie said that the one girl didn't even stick around yesterday and the only girl he could have had a chance with was the dark haired girl. She lives out in San Diego though.
Howard told Dana to come to her senses and blamed her for all of this. He said that he should just blame her for everything. Artie said that some guys would do that. Artie said that he should say ''what are you doing getting e-mails from Vinnie?'' and blame her completely.
Howard said that this was some story. Artie said that it really is a good story, he knew he had something for the air after all of this went down.
Ralph called in and said that he doesn't see how they can get mad at Vinnie for the mistake he made. Howard said that Ralph is ''Mr. Mistake'' and of course he's not going to blame Vinnie. Howard talked about all of the stuff that Ralph breaks at Sam Simon's house and at his place too.
Ralph said that Vinnie was just trying to have some fun with this stuff and he didn't send the mail out on purpose. He said that he doesn't understand how Artie isn't taking the blame for any of this because he invited the girls to Letterman. Ralph said that Dana doesn't live in a bubble, she would have found out about this eventually. Howard said that he could have gotten away with it.
Howard said that Sal was on the Wrap UP Show being a real asshole about the jokes he told about Beth at one of their roasts. He made some comments about her looks and she was really hurt by them. Howard said that Beth isn't really part of the roast but Sal made the comment anyway. They had an e-mail relationship before that and he apologized to her in an e-mail so Beth was going to let it pass. Then a couple of days later people had posted clips of Sal doing jokes about her at comedy clubs when he was out on the road.
Howard said that Beth got upset about Sal doing the jokes more and she gave up on trying to be friends with him. He said that she was told that he wasn't going to do it again but he did. She wanted him to just stay away from her. Howard said that she said she didn't want Sal at their wedding because he lies to her. She doesn't want a liar standing there in front of her looking at her when she knows that he's a liar.
Howard said that the topper to all of that is that Sal goes on the Wrap Up Show and calls him a pussy. Sal came in to defend himself but Howard told him that he's really just an asshole. Sal said he was calling Howard a pussy because he's not going to invite him to his wedding when he's pretty sure that he wants him there. Howard said that he's not going to cram Sal down her throat. He said that he has to spend the rest of his life with her and he's not going to do that to her.
Sal said that he did apologize to Beth for all of that and they were getting along after that. Howard said that she wasn't getting along, she had nothing to do with him. Sal said that they got along at social functions. Howard said that she just does that to be nice, she doesn't want anything to do with him.
Howard told Sal that Beth doesn't like him and she doesn't want him at the wedding. Sal said he knows that but he thinks it would be nice if Howard invited him to the wedding. Sal kept saying that they've been getting along but Robin told him that he doesn't even know that they're not getting along. Sal also said that he wasn't happy about him saying that they were going to invite his wife and her emotional friend to the wedding instead.
Howard said that Beth thought that Sal was mean yesterday but Howard told her that he's not mean, he's just dumb. Sal said that they prod him like a piece of cattle on that show and they try to get stuff out of him. Fred said that he's the king of blaming other people for his misfortunes. He said that he's a whore for air time and that's why he jumps in like that all the time.
Sal was going to walk out of the studio but came right back in and yelled about how he can't win at anything. He asked for them to douse him with gasoline, light him on fire, fuck him in the ass and more. He said that he loves Beth and Howard and he wishes them both well.
Howard told Sal that he's stupid and he's going to explain to him why. He said that this isn't even about Beth, this is about him calling him a pussy on the air. He said that he's not his friend and he's not sure why he thinks that he is. Sal said he was mistaken about that then. He thought they were friends but they're apparently not.
Sal said that Howard knows that he's not a mean person. He said that Howard could tell Beth that and get her to come around and invite him to the wedding. Howard said that he agrees with Beth on this whole thing, he's not being a pussy about it. He said that he wouldn't want Sal at the wedding either.
Robin said that Beth has a personal dislike for Sal and that's why she's not going to invite him to the wedding. Sal said he knows that and he's not trying to impose on that. He said that he just works there and that's what Howard should tell Beth.
Gary came in and told Sal that on 10/26/06 he made the joke about Beth. Then a few days later he apologized to Beth. Then in January of 2007 he did the joke again at a comedy show and screwed her over again. Sal said that he sent Beth an e-mail 6 months later and apologized to Beth for what he'd done. He said that they started talking again 4 months after that and they were back to talking again. Howard said that she doesn't remember all of that and she doesn't want to be friends with him.
Sal said that he's confused because he thought that they were getting along and they were talking at these events. Howard said that she doesn't trust him and doesn't know anything about him. Howard told Sal to get out of his life and stop e-mailing people in his life. Fred played the ''Sal's a Homo'' theme song but Howard said that this isn't a joke, he really wants the guy out of his life.
Artie said that this is the frustration he had with Sal that day he threw stuff at him. He said he can't justify throwing stuff at him but that's why he did it. The guys wondered how his wife puts up with that stuff every day of her life. She has to argue with him and they're not sure how she does it.
Howard said that Sal was sending e-mails to Beth when he was out on the road still telling jokes about her. That's what really upset her. She didn't know why someone would do that to her. He said that she thinks that Sal is going to come to the wedding just to get material that he can use in a comedy bit. Fred said that he'd probably fall off that wagon eventually and he would tell jokes about her in his act.
Howard said that he loves Sal as a co-worker but he's hard to talk to and he just doesn't understand that he brings this stuff on himself. He's so defensive about everything that he won't listen and understand what's being said to him. Robin said that he will also eventually cave in and take the party line with people who argue with him even if he doesn't understand what's being said. Howard said they had to take a break a short time later.
Howard said that he wouldn't want to torture Beth with Sal at the wedding. Howard heard that Sal was crying in his office now. Gary said he was going to go in there and see what was going on. Howard told Sal to come in there so he can see him cry. Artie said that Sal said that he was an empty shell of a man earlier.
Sal came in and said that he wasn't crying but he had a mask on to hide it. Howard wanted to see the tears so he made him take the hood off. Sal showed a quick peek but then put the mask back on. He said that he didn't want to give Howard TV any material.
Howard wanted to talk to Sal without the mask on so he made Gary take it off. Sal said he didn't want to be a part of this right now, he just wants to go back and work. Gary told Sal that his makeup was running with the tears coming down.
Howard told Sal that he doesn't understand what's going on here. He said that he needs help and a comprehension coach. He said that he likes Sal very much and asked him to look at him. Sal said that he can't and the show really fucks his head up. He said that his dream came true and now it's a nightmare. He said that you have to be careful what you wish for, you might get it. Fred threw in the Joey Ramone ''Welcome to my nightmare'' clip for Sal.
Sal said that he wasn't crying and it was something else. He said that it was ''just um...'' and he didn't think they were tears. He said that his eyes have a mind of their own and they're doing it without him. Artie told him that he was just a jerk off. Sal had to wipe the snot off his face so Fred started playing the opening to Jethro Tull's Aqualung. That led to Howard and Artie singing along to the song and making up lines about Sal and his problems. They did that for a couple of minutes and had some fun goofing on him.
Howard said that Sal probably has a good heart but he always puts his foot in his mouth. He told him to wipe away his tears and said that he likes him and he's safe there. The wedding just isn't for him. Sal said he doesn't care about the wedding. Robin asked him what it was that he was concerned about then.
Howard asked Sal why he was crying. Sal said he has a lot going on in his life and he feels frustrated. He said he's frustrated about work and other things. He said that he comes in and tries to be the best that he can and sometimes he gets upset. He said he's hard on himself about that stuff. He's also got things going on with his wife and he thinks that things are working out but he's got that thing in the back of his mind about how maybe it's not working out.
Sal said that he's not looking to do himself in or anything. Gary said that he knows that work is tough for Sal because they do bits that don't get on the air and stuff. Sal said that's not it. He said that he comes there for solace away from home but then he finds out that he's not accepted there either and that's why he gets upset. He said that he knows that it's one big dysfunctional family and he's fine with that. He said he gets mixed signals because Gary will tell him that he likes his unfiltered thoughts but then he gets goofed on. Fred threw in a sound effect for the mixed signals thing and got a laugh out of the guys.
Sal said that he doesn't want to be there to bitch and moan but he's got personal frustrations. Gary told Sal that they like him as a person and his nuttiness and they would miss him if he was gone. Howard told him that he's a high level player in the show. Sal thanked him but said he doesn't have to say that to him. He knows that. Howard told Sal that he is talented and applies himself and he's not a slacker like some people are. He said that he's more than appreciated, he's necessary. Artie said that he's so needed that it's creepy. Howard told him that he's his number 2 guy, right next to Richard. Howard told him that some day he might make it into the ''Fab 6.'' That's only if Richard gets into that 6 and then dies.
The guys were goofing on Richard a little bit and had Sal laughing a little bit. Then Howard saw that Sal had some tissue hanging off his eye so he told him not to touch his face so the Howard TV guys could get a shot. Artie suggested that they remove anything sharp from his office. He said that they don't have to remove Richard since he's not so sharp.
Robin told Sal that he has to hang in there, he might have to go through some bumpy times in his life but there will be better days.
Howard let Sal go and then got back to some clips from the Wrap Up Show. Sal was denying that he apologized and then told his jokes. The guys knew that was wrong and tried to correct him on that but he refused to take what they said seriously. The guys were trying to get Sal to tell his joke again but he refused to fall for that because that was his personal holocaust.
Howard said he wanted to move on after that. Artie said that he loves Sal's analogy about that being his holocaust. He got a laugh out of that.
Howard said that the wedding may take place in October but maybe it won't. Howard said that he's trying to figure it all out because he may not be able to have all of the people he works with come to the event. Robin said that he should be very quiet about it and just go out and do it. Howard said that's good advice. He said that unlike Fred, he listens to her. Robin told him that he should just keep it quiet from now on and not tell everyone his plans.
Ralph called in and asked Howard to talk about his chair. Howard said that yesterday he talked to Doug Goodstein about his chair and the picture he took of his kid in that chair. He said that they went around to some other people like producer Rob Burnett from David Letterman's show and he wrote them back. Howard read a note from Rob where he said that people do take pictures of their family members in Dave's chair on the set but it's not a big deal because it's a prop on the set of a TV show. Howard's chair is more than that, it's his personal space.
Howard said that this chair is his personal space and the console is like his desk and there are personal papers and things like that there. He went to read another note from Rob Burnett where he said that they do take Dave's chair off the set so people won't mess with the settings on it every night.
Howard said that Sam Simon sent him a note about the chair too. He read that note and Sam said that Doug knew that this would upset Howard but he went ahead and did it and then showed people the pictures. Sam also said that Doug went on to call Howard crazy which was really wrong and he thinks that Howard lets people get away with murder and that's one thing that he's too nice about.
Howard said that no one can sit in his chair without his permission. Doug came in and said that they have a picture of Ralph in the chair too. Howard said that this should prove to him that he was wrong for sitting his baby in the chair, he knows that it was wrong.
Howard read through some e-mail about the chair discussion and some people were on his side and thought he was right. Others thought that he was wrong for getting so upset over it. One person asked how Doug could be so stupid that he doesn't know better. Another guy said that he was going to shit in the chair if he ever got the chance to do so.
Howard read through a bunch of other e-mails and some people think that he needs more help and should up his psychiatrist visits to 6 times a week. One person pointed out some of Robin's comments about him being crazy but then she said that she flew out to California for less than 24 hours to have her blood squeezed out of the bottom half of her body.
Doug never apologized for what he did and called Howard crazy. He said that he did apologize to him after the show though. Howard said that he was a little bit out of line but he did apologize. He asked Howard if it was okay for him to take pictures of his parents in his chair. Howard said that was fine but there's still the chance that they could screw up the settings.
Howard asked Doug why he had to show people the picture of his kid in the chair. Doug said that it was a cute picture, that's why he was showing people. He said that he took some other pictures too and showed them to the guys. Ralph told Doug that no one cares about his kid either and they don't want to see pictures of her. Howard said that's so true, his parents never carried pictures of him. He said that it's actually okay to carry pictures of his kid. He said that he carries pictures of his kids in his wallet too.
Howard brought up the story about Vinnie e-mailing Dana about Artie's plans yesterday but he had something about Ralph that was right up there. He said that Ralph made a list of things to bring on a trip he was going on one time and, as a joke, he wrote on it that he needed condoms. He said his wife saw that and it wasn't cool. Ralph said that he faxed that list to Howard though, not to his wife. He said that it was like Ralph wanted him out of that marriage and he was trying to sabotage it. Artie said that Vinnie's explanation was great because he said that it was a clerical error.
Howard said that this guy sent in an e-mail about a clip they played yesterday of Robert Kennedy Jr. and his strange voice. Howard said that he doesn't want to hear that kind of stuff because he gets paranoid about having the same thing happen to him.
Howard read another e-mail about his looks compared to Jimmy Page. The writer said that Howard looks worse than Jimmy. That led to Howard saying that he had a woman come up to him yesterday to tell him that she thought that he was Howard Stern's son. Howard said that she was serious too. He said that he doesn't look 54 according to that woman.
Lisa said that Richie, the installer to the stars, said that he was giving people tours of the studio during the holiday over Christmas but they have stopped now. His access has been taken away from him now so he can't even get in there anymore. Howard said he can't have his stuff being messed with anymore and only Jason and Gary can give tours of the studio.
Howard said that everyone had access to their offices there and he had to put a stop to all of that. He said that this is no party, it's his nightmare. He said that they've limited the access for everyone that doesn't belong back there. Howard let Lisa go a short time later.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who said that he could get cameras set up so he could keep an eye on his studio 24 hours a day. He has two set up so he can keep an eye on his house. Howard worried that he had been taped having sex with Beth over there but Dominic said he didn't even have those cameras back then.
Howard said that he was watching Oprah yesterday and they had this woman on the show who put a camera in her house to catch this guy that was breaking in and jerking off while smelling her panties. He said that they ended up putting him in jail for 8 years because he stole a camera. If he hadn't done that, they couldn't have put him in jail that long.
Howard mentioned a great t-shirt he saw on American Idol last night. He said this big fat chick came on and she had a shirt that read ''I Beat Anorexia'' and he thought that was the greatest ever. He said that every fat person should have one of those. They had to wrap up and go to break a short time later.
Howard said that Carmen also said on another show that she doesn't love just men, she loves ''people.'' Howard said JD came in with this stuff and Artie said ''Why, because she rejected you?'' when he said she might be a lesbian.
Howard said that Carmen was supposed to do the show but she backed out for some reason. Artie said that he's over her anyway. Howard played the clip from the show where Carmen was asked about the men that she's been with and if she likes the men who are ''out there.'' Carmen went on to say that she's attracted to ''people'' and didn't say it was just men.
Artie said that he remembered Carmen saying something funny during an interview. He said she was asked what the one thing is that she can't live without. She thought about it for about 30 seconds and answered ''food.'' he said that was a great answer.
Howard said there's this actress Shaun Young who was heckling a director at the SAG awards recently. He said that she was cool on the show and he likes that she came out and heckled him. He said that she must have been loaded or something because she just yelled out ''Get on with it!'' Howard said that she was right to do that because the guy really wasn't prepared. He played the clip where the guy was accepting his award and Shaun tells him to get to it. He tells her to have another cocktail after she does that. Howard said he applauds her for doing that. This guy, Julian Schnabel, was fumfering around trying to get something out and wasn't saying anything.
He read through some other notes about her and then told her that this game is called Beat the Foot and it's kind of like the old game ''Password.'' He said that the money is from their sponsor which was the movie ''Strange Wilderness.'' Howard said they have some money to play with and every time the two of them match they'll give her $500. They're going to split the money so she'll get $750 total if she gets them all right.
Howard had Big Foot come in after that. Michelle hadn't seen him before. Howard said that he's grown a beard and it's very big. Big Foot said that he's been living in some place and he's not sure what the name of it was. He said that he was at Caroline's comedy club and he was more of a comedian than the comedians on stage. He said that he was telling jokes that were funnier than the guys on stage. He told the guys what some of the jokes were but they didn't make a lot of sense. He was also using his ''it is'' line after most of what he was saying... it is. He said that he was working with the comedian on stage and doing a see-saw thing with him.
Howard cut Big Foot off and asked him about why he's suing the state of Vermont. Big Foot said that he had several cases going on and he didn't know exactly what they were because he can't read. Howard heard that he was upset that no one was celebrating his 50th birthday too. He said that the people he was living with didn't bother celebrating it. That led to him talking about how he was going to a shrink and the shrink was telling people about the stuff that he was talking about in his sessions.
Howard asked Big Foot if he was swearing off women. Big Foot said that he might because his hand is getting more action than women are. He said that at least his fingers don't talk back to him... it is. Big Foot said that he had a girlfriend but she was cheating on him behind his back. Howard thought that he was taking her back but Big Foot said that he wouldn't take her back with a 10 foot pole.
Howard told Michelle that she had to play with this guy. He told her that he was going to have her leave the room and they'd give Big Foot the password. Artie told her that she's the luckiest person in the room because she gets to leave now.
Howard said that he was going to tell Big Foot the word he had to try and get Michelle to say. He said that he was going to have to come up with other words that she might relate to the word they give him. He said if she matches the Foot, they get $500 put into the pot. Then they'll share the winnings if they win anything.
Howard wanted to practice with Big Foot so he gave him the word ''Pencil'' and told him to try to get him to say pencil. Big Foot said ''paper'' and Howard said ''writing.'' Big Foot gave him ''lead'' and that's just what they were looking for. He had the concept down just right.
Howard told Big Foot that the word is going to be ''Jew.'' Big Foot said he knows what that is. They brought Michelle back in after that and put a minute on their clock. Big Foot had to use 5 different words to get her to say this secret word. Big Foot started out with ''Bum.'' Michelle thought ''derelict'' and then Big Foot had a problem coming up with something else. Big Foot was trying to think but came up empty. He told her he didn't know another one. Then he ran out of time.
Howard asked Big Foot what he was thinking with the bum word. He said that he was thinking of a penny pincher or something like that. Howard said that they were going to send Big Foot out of the room now and give Michelle a word. He said that her boobs weren't going to be getting any bigger after this. Howard gave Michelle the word ''coffee'' and had Big Foot come back in a short time later.
Howard said that they're going to have to use simple words since they'd be there all day long if they kept this up. Howard asked Big Foot why he kept his file folder with him all the time. He's worried about people losing it. Michelle tried to get Big Foot to say the word and it actually worked, even after she said ''cream'' and he answered ''jissum.''
Howard sent Michelle out again and gave Big Foot another word. This time it was ''Masturbate.'' Big Foot said he could do this one. He knows about that. Howard had Michelle come back in and told Big Foot to go. He said ''Sex, queers...'' and then locked up. He had nothing else for her. Big Foot was thinking hard but nothing was coming out. Howard wondered what happened there. Big Foot said that sometime she just can't think. He ran out of time again. Big Foot said that queers usually masturbate each other so that's why he thought she'd get it with that word.
Howard sent Big Foot out of the room again and told Michelle that the word was ''Tampon.'' They had Big Foot back in and went right into it with him again. Michelle gave him ''Period'' and he said ''tampax'' which was close enough for Howard. He gave it to them even though it wasn't exactly the right word.
Big Foot said that he knows about periods and he'll even have sex with a woman if she's on her period. He said that's what they make wash cloths with. Howard told them that they had $1000 in the kitty so far and they could go for another $500.
Howard sent Michelle out and gave Big Foot the word ''Mexican.'' He said that he was trying to think of some clues as they brought Michelle back in. Big Foot threw out ''border'' and Michelle got the word immediately. They won the maximum amount of money after that. Howard said that they were going to split the $1,500.
Howard said that he's not crazy about Big Foot's beard but he does like the long hair. Big Foot said that he's investigating his case himself and he grew it to hide himself while he's doing the investigating. He's under cover right now and trying to hide from people. He said that's why he can't say where he's living because he doesn't want to expose himself. Howard said that Big Foot reminds him of that character Fletch.
Artie thought that Big Foot had some Vikodin on him but Big Foot told him that he didn't, but he knew where he could get some. A caller asked Howard why he was letting them win this money so easy. Howard told the guy that they're dealing with Big Foot, they have to do it that way.
Michelle told Howard that the $750 will help her out and any amount will help. Artie told her to save up enough to get a reputable doctor and not just get one breast done or anything like that.
Big Foot said that he's going to use the money to get his car fixed. Sal came in and asked if they could take a look at her boobs and give her some more money. He said that he had $7 on him. Artie said that he'd give her two tickets to see him at Mandalay Bay. Gary said that he had some money. He had another $500. She took them up on that offer. They told her it had to be 5 seconds at least. Howard counted to 5 and told her that her boobs were actually nice. She said that they're cute and perky but she'd like them bigger.
Howard said that he was going to do the math and figure out what she'd be walking away with today. She came up with the answer herself even though they were going to have Big Foot try and figure it out. She figured they didn't have enough time for him to figure it out.
Howard was going to wrap up after that but Robin said that she was having fun with the game. Howard said he had another game that he could play. IT was the Clif Palate name game. Artie asked him if he'd eat a newspaper for $500. He said he'd eat some of it, not the whole thing. Artie asked him to eat a certain section of it and Big Foot wondered if it would cause gas.
Gary said that they had a Smarter than a 5th Grader questions for Big Foot if he wanted to give him another $500. Howard said that they'd do that and asked Big Foot if he is smarter than a 5th grader. Big Foot said he got through 6th grade so he should be. He said that he was in Special Ed though. Howard told him that he is very special.
Howard looked through the questions and said they were all too hard. He read one, ''What was the first name of the famous composer Beethoven?'' but Big Foot had no clue. He said he didn't have the foggiest idea. Artie asked him if he knew Beethoven's last name. Big Foot was clueless, he had no idea that Beethoven was his last name. Howard asked him for the first or the last name. Big Foot was thinking and said ''Tiny Tim or something...''
Howard and Artie asked him what Ludwig Von Beethoven's name was. Big Foot didn't get that they were giving him the name. He said he wasn't even thinking about that.
Big Foot did know how many nickels are in a dollar. Howard said that was one correct answer. He asked him who is buried in Grant's tomb and he got that right when he said ''Grant.'' He said it was starting to seep in there and he is getting it. Howard asked him who the first president was. Big Foot was stumped again. He said ''Ford.'' Howard asked him what color Gary's white horse was and he got that one right. Howard gave him the $500 based on that.
Howard said he was going to ask Big Foot what weighs more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers. He said that bricks weigh more of course. He said that feathers hardly weigh anything. Even after it was explained to him, he still thought that feathers weighed less.
Howard got in some plugs for the sponsors, including ProFlowers.com, who gave them the extra $500 for each of the contestants. Howard also thanked Big Foot for not trying to touch Michelle. Big Foot said he's not like that, he's not going to touch her. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said he was going to try and get his mom on the phone to talk about the pinworms and how he had to crap in a box for her. He said he needed to clarify the story with her. Gary was dialing her as he was talking. Howard took some calls while he waited.
A caller told Howard that he hates that Big Foot talks about being from Vermont because there are some normal people up there. He said that he'd like them to keep him down there.
Howard's mother Ray was on the phone so he got right to her. He asked her how old he was when he had pinworms. She said that he was a very little boy and maybe in kindergarten or 1st grade. She said that he was standing and scratching himself all the time. She didn't want to get into the details though. She said that he exaggerates all the time.
Howard asked if she found brown stains in his underpants or something. She said she just knew that something was wrong because he was itchy. Howard said she must have called the doctor next and he said that they needed a stool sample. He said he remembers crapping in a box but Ray said that she had to look at night to see if there were pinworms there and that's how she saw them. She said that he never made a doody, she just looked at his backside and saw them there.
Ray said that she didn't understand what kind of conversation this was. Howard said he was trying to remember what happened. Ray said that she saw the worms with her eyes while he was asleep. She turned him on his side, saw the pinworms and that was it. She said they were very tiny and she used a flashlight to inspect his butt.
Howard said he remembers crapping in a box but Ray said that she didn't remember that at all. She said that there would have been no reason to do that. She said that the doctor gave them all medicine to get rid of the pinworms. She didn't remember what Howard did. He said that he did remember it but she didn't. She wondered what the big deal was. He said it was just going to the bathroom in the box that was the big deal. He was just trying to recall what had happened.
Howard said that's all he wanted to know. She told him that was good that he was behaving himself. He wondered if that was wrong of her to look at his butt. Robin said that it was fine, she saved him from the pinworms. Robin said that they do apparently come out at night. He thought that it was insane that there were worms in his ass.
Ray said that she had to sterilize everything that he was exposed to because they can spread. She said that if one person had it, the rest of the family can get them as well. Howard told his mommy to go back to her routine and let her off the phone.
Howard said that he had no idea that the worms crawled out of your ass at night. Benjy looked it up on the web and the worms come out to lay their eggs at night. He said that they can actually come out of a vagina or an ass. Howard wondered how they know that it's night. Artie said that it's the most grotesque thing he's ever heard.
Will came in and said that he used to get them a lot and his father had to spread his ass to see them. He said that they don't come out at night, they're just easier to see at night. Howard said that his mother loved taking his temperature in his asshole too so he thinks that she was obsessed with that. Howard said he does remember the shitting in a box thing and he's not sure why his mother doesn't remember that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he had pinworms and they're really tiny. He said that his son had them and he ended up getting them too. Robin found an article about them and read about how they lay eggs on the surrounding skin.
Artie figured that Richard must have gotten them too so Howard asked him about that. /Richard said he never got them but his friend had ringworm. The guys spent a few minutes talking to him about that. Eric the Midget had called in around that time and asked if they had taped his show last night. Howard said they did and he does want to talk about it but they're running out of time today.
Howard told Eric that he didn't have time to talk about his show. Eric asked if he could have Sal's place at his wedding. Howard said that would piss Sal off. He said that he can come if he brings his girlfriend. Artie said that he doesn't want him there though. Eric told a joke about Ben and Jerry's asking Artie to do a new ice cream flavor called ''Chunky Junky'' which sounded like it was pretty well crafted.
Howard said that if he invites Eric to the wedding, he'd have to invite people like Double A, Elephant Boy and other Wack Packers like that.
Howard told Eric they'd get to his clips tomorrow. He let him go a short time later. Fred was playing some new sound effects from ''Mars Attacks'' while Eric was on the line. It was clips of the aliens talking in their ''Ack Ack'' way and he said it reminded him of Eric's noises.
Steve said that they also have a story about Jim Florentine and Robin going to a vegan restaurant. Artie was laughing thinking about Jim going to a vegan restaurant. They have a story about JD taking something from the glom box called a pocket pussy and trying it out. He said that it was alright. Howard said that's pretty funny that he'd take it and try it out. Fred said that Benjy is someone who would try that out. He took something called the AutoSuck out of the box and he's going to try that. Howard heard that Gary took home a pocket rocket so he's wondering what's going on there.
JD came in and said that he did try the pocket pussy and Howard told him that it's really sad. JD said that sad times call for desperate measures. Artie told him to just fuck the bed instead. JD said that he did cum after using the pocket pussy but he threw it out after using it. He said that he didn't want to bother cleaning it up.
JD said that he was watching some porn when he was using the thing so he wasn't thinking about anyone in particular. Artie said that he can't imagine finding that thing if he was his roommate. The guys goofed on JD about that a little bit.
Artie said that he didn't think he could eat his lunch today because of the pinworm discussion. He was all freaked out by that.
Howard moved on to Jon Hein who said that they'll be talking about the story that Artie told about Vinnie e-mailing Dana. They'll also talk about Sal's crying, Howard's chair, pinworms and JD's pocket pussy among other things.
Robin started off with a story about Cervical Cancer Awareness month. It's coming to an end and she wanted to let people know that they should get a PAP smear. That led to the guys talking about how scary it can be to have sex with people you haven't been with for a long time.
Robin read a story about how farmers are less likely to get cancer than the rest of them and it may be the manure that they're inhaling that's helping them. Robin had a story about Johan Santana coming to the NY Mets. Artie said that the team will be better and they'll probably make it to the playoffs this year but he still thinks that they won't make it to the World Series.
Robin talked about the price of tickets for the Super Bowl. That led to the guys talking about how they probably wouldn't go. Artie said that he'd go and he has offers to go sit in a box out there but he's not going to take the time off to miss a day of work.
Artie told Howard a story about his father going after a kid who sold him bogus tickets to a game one time. He said that his father beat him up and took all of his money so he had an extra $800 bucks on him after that. He said that's when his father started the ''Don't tell your mother...'' thing. He never did tell her about that.
Robin read a story about Wesley Snipes' tax evasion problems. He's facing up to 16 years in prison if he's convicted. Howard said that people should just pay their taxes and not try to get around stuff like that.
Howard took a call from someone claiming to be Dr. Remulak (a caller from many years ago) but they knew that it wasn't him as soon as he said a couple of words. Robin said that she met him in a restaurant one time and it was very creepy.
Robin read a story about a kid who was locked in a dog crate after his family found out that he was trying to poison the rest of the family. Robin had some other stories that she quickly went through. She brought up one story that got Artie talking about a movie that he had seen one time. Howard said that he saw a good movie on the web where they had Hitler freaking out when the Dallas Cowboys didn't get into the Super Bowl. There's also one that Tracey Morgan did as a spoof of Jackass called Blackass. He said that some of the stuff was really funny. Robin said that there was also some funny Will Ferrell videos on the web.
Robin said that the Germans are erecting a couple of statues for the Gypsies and lesbians and gays who were killed during the Nazi era. Howard had to go to break after that.
After the break we heard a Jack and Rod Show bit that Sal and Richard did with an author and some Wendy the Retard audio clips. Fred played some David Bowie ''All the Young Dudes'' as they were coming back. Howard sang along with the song and didn't even realize it was Bowie singing it. He said that it is a great song though. Howard said that he heard John Fogarty singing ''Centerfield'' on one of the SIRIUS channels it was really good. Fred played the song and Howard said that really was a good one. That led to the guys talking about how he got screwed when he was in Credence Clearwater Revival. He didn't get a lot of money when he was in the band and they ended up suing them and stuff like that.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. She read a story about the women in music who are making the big money. Howard went through a few names like Celine Dion, Beyonce and others who he thinks are raking in the money. He said that Heather Mills is probably making more than any of them and she doesn't even sing. Robin said that they actually included Beyonce, Shakira, Celine Dion, Barbara Streissand and Madonna at number 1. Howard wondered how Barbara still makes money. She's still doing shows according to Robin. Robin read through some of the other names on the list and Britney Spears was down at 14.
Robin read a story about James Gandolfini flying back to New York and how he had gotten upset with a fan who greeted him at the airport so he punched him out. He apologized and took a picture with the guy. Howard said that he read that the guy really makes a nuisance of himself. JD came in and said that this dude calls him ''Number 1 Fan'' and he's always on TMZ doing stuff with celebrities. Howard said that when you come across people like that you just have to keep walking. Artie said that there are some scary motherfuckers outside of their building too.
Robin talked about Angelina Jolie's pregnancy and how some people are speculating that she's got twins. Howard said that he'd love to get just the placenta to bottle up in the studio and show it off to people who visit. Robin read a story about mid-life crisis problems and why they come on. She read that people suffer most in their mid-40s, or 44 to be exact. Artie said he can't imagine it getting worse than it was in his 30s.
A caller asked Howard to talk up some songs as a goof when he does his DJ voice. He said he loves when Howard hits the post just right. Howard had Fred play some music and talked up a couple of songs for the caller. He was doing it as a WNBC DJ since that's what he usually does. Fred was playing all kinds of songs from the 80s and 90s. He was hitting that post almost every time. Howard said that he could do this all day and not even play the songs all the way through. He said he could just talk up the song and play a few seconds of it.
The caller wanted to hear some other stuff to but Howard told him he didn't have all day to play clips. He had Robin get back to her news after that. She read one story but Howard was still on the subject of bad DJs. He threw in a few more songs and talked them up as Robin was in the middle of reading her stories. Artie asked him to do the talk up as Ted Kennedy so Howard picked up his megaphone and talked up one song that way. He threw in a couple of Kennedy ''Er-uhs'' while he was doing that.
Artie and Howard ended up singing along to a James Taylor song, ''Fire and Rain,'' and Howard explained to Artie what the song was about. Howard heard the story about what the song was about right from James himself so he told Artie the story. Artie said that he had heard something completely different. Fred played a sad song for Artie too and tried to get him all worked up about Dana.
Robin got back into her news and talked about Andy Petit coming out to talk about steroid use. She also had a story about the Kennedy family coming out to support both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. That got Howard doing his Ted Kennedy impression again. Artie got in on that as well and did his impression of the guy too.
Robin played a bunch of clips from the Florida primaries after the results were announced. There was a clip of Hillary yelling so Howard complained about that. He said that sounds like the voice that his mother used to use with him when he was growing up. He said it drives him nuts.
Robin had a story about the Writer's Strike and how it may be drawing to an end. Howard said he needs new episodes of Bionic Woman so they have to end this whole thing already. Artie said that he was offered to do the Best Damn Sports Show and he's not sure if he can do the show or not because it's not clear if the writers are striking against them or not. Howard said he knows nothing about that show, he doesn't watch it.
Robin played some clips from American Idol and Fred threw in some Amy Fisher sex tape clips. Robin said that Jessica Alba has a new movie coming out so she had some audio clips of her talking about that. Artie said that the movie looks funny, but not funny good, funny bad.
Robin wrapped up a short time later with a story about Britney Spears making up with her mom and then with a story about Mike Wallace getting heart surgery. Artie threw in a plug for his comedy shows that he's doing this weekend out at the Mandalay Bay in Vegas. Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
JD said that he'd heard some things so he kind of knew that something was going on. He said that he's just letting Artie be though and just leaves him alone. Jon asked Teddy about the screw up and how Vinnie had sent his text to the wrong e-mail address.
Teddy said that he and Vinnie were going back and forth with the e-mail and Vinnie told him about the address that he'd sent it to and he didn't recognize it. He then got a call from Dana and he told Artie about the call and then he heard Artie talking to her about the e-mail and knew that it was the one that Vinnie was supposed to send to him.
Jon played a clip from this morning's show where Artie was talking about his call with Dana and how funny she was being with the whole thing at first.
After playing the clip Jon said that Howard was talking about how maybe Vinnie did this on purpose. Gary said that he doesn't believe that at all and he thinks that he just screwed up. Jon agreed with him on that. He wondered what Artie's next move is. Gary said he's not sure but he'd like to talk to Artie about it. He wasn't sure if he was going to come in though.
Gary said that Artie clearly loves Dana and he has to go out and prove it to her now. He knows that he has this image to live up to but he really has to go out and show Dana how much he loves her. Gary said that it should make for a great story in like 10 years if Artie has a kid and has to explain to the kid how they met.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Artie knows how the fire chief tastes. The guys said they have no proof of that at all. He also asked if Benjy knew how Chuck Zito tasted. They skipped over all of that and took another call.
One guy was saying that he was at the taping last night and thought it was great. Teddy was telling the guys that Steve Langford heard some of the conversation last night and he was going to try and report on it but they asked him to keep it under wraps until this morning.
Jon asked why Artie has so much trouble saying no to stuff. Gary said that the date that Artie had set up had nothing to do with him not being able to say no. He saw those hot chicks and there was no way he wasn't going to go out with them. Gary said that the blonde that was there was one of the most phenomenal looking women they had ever had up there. He said that there was no way Artie was going to be able to say no to them.
Benjy said that he was wondering what Artie would have said today if the e-mail hadn't happened. He wondered if he would have told the same story about the girls or if he would have made something up. Gary thinks that Artie would have told the truth and how it was all smoke and mirrors and nothing happened even if it did. Benjy said that he thinks that Artie would have told a true story no matter what happened.
Gary said that Artie had the opportunity to stop the conversation from happening yesterday but he didn't bother. Another caller said that they set up something for Artie yesterday and something would have happened. Gary said that they're not whores so they weren't paying them to be with Artie or anything. The caller thinks that Vinnie could get into a lot of trouble for what he did because if Artie was married, Dana would be filing for divorce right now. He said that Vinnie might be on his way out after all of this. The guys thought that was a bit of a stretch though.
Gary said that Vinnie isn't a malicious guy though so he didn't do that on purpose. Jon asked Teddy what would have happened to him if he had sent that mail. Teddy said that it may have gotten violent and it would have been the worst day of his life today. JD thinks that Artie would be in jail today because of what he would have done to Teddy.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that this whole story sounds fishy to him. He said that there's no future with them and there's no way that Artie is going to be able to turn down three hot chicks like that. Then he was saying that he thinks that there are a lot of guys who take dope and can't get it up. He thinks that he may have been afraid that they were going to find out that he can't get it up so he set up the whole thing with Vinnie. Gary said that he was going to put his conspiracy theory right up there with the one about Fidel Castro having John F. Kennedy killed.
Another caller said he was calking to say fuck Dana because she's cock blocking Artie now. He said that she just wants in on his new house and stuff like that. He said that Artie runs the show there and she can't tell him what to do.
Jon said that he really thinks that Artie didn't have anything going on with the girls and it was an honest mistake on Vinnie's part.
Gary said that they play a bunch of tape for Howard before the show and that led to Howard talking about how upset Beth was with the comments that Sal made about her on the Wrap Up Show.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he was pissed about the way they were coming down on Sal. He said that Sal thinks like the rest of the regular people do out there. He said that Sal was right about Artie's movie Beer League sucking and he agrees with Sal on that and that shows that he doesn't have a governor and that's why he likes him on the show.
Gary asked the guy if he really thinks that everyone thinks that the movie was that bad. He said that there were funny moments in the movie and he wasn't laughing. He said that he thinks that there are people there who are just telling Artie what he wants to hear. Gary said that he doesn't believe that Sal genuinely disliked the movie, it was just a way to get at him when he was fighting with him.
The caller was telling Gary that when he saw Gary at Letterman next to Beth, he thought about how beautiful she was but there really is something about her that's not quite right and she does have some ''equine features'' and Sal might be right about that. He thinks that Sal really does say the things that the fans are thinking. Jon said that Sal might get caught up in some stuff like that and he can't back down once he gets caught up in his arguments.
Jon asked Sal about the argument he had today and why he continues to stick with his story when he seems to be wrong. Sal said that he doesn't think that Howard is a pussy for real. He really doesn't believe that he is, he was just trying to get his point across.
Sal said that he was trying to come up with some roast material for a roast of Robin and Jim, that may not even happen, and he always goes to the really dark stuff when he comes up with that kind of material. Gary said that Artie has done some material about Sal's kids and he goes to some dark stuff too.
Gary said that Sal has told him some jokes that are really over the line and he can't believe that he doesn't know just how over the line they are. Sal said that the beauty of the roasts they do is the fact that they are so over the line. The guys told Sal that it wasn't even the joke that Beth was that upset about. It was the fact that he lied about using it in his act.
Sal said that he knows that he went over the line and kept using the joke in his act. That came back to bite him in the ass. He said that his stupidity drove him to keep using that joke about her in his act. Jon asked Sal what made him cry today. Sal said that he went back to his office and realized that he can't win in his personal life or his professional life and it all came out at the same time. He said he had a little bit of a breakdown.
Gary said that he knows how Sal feels but he would never break down and cry. He said that he's had similar situations where he's gotten really bummed out about his personal and professional lives at the same time.
Gary wanted to talk to Sal about something that was going on in his life but Sal didn't want to bring that up. He said that Jon has almost become his therapist now because he gets to talk to him on their ride home to Long Island every day.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they have any regrets of bringing Sal on to the team. Gary said that his fuck ups are very entertaining and his contributions to the show are amazing. All of the stuff he does adds to the show so he has no regrets at all. He said that even having him goofing on him there is easier because he can give it back to him immediately.
Sal told a story about how Stuttering John set Gary up one day and told him where he was going out to eat and he got Gary as soon as he walked into the restaurant and goofed on him. They spent a minute on that and then went to break.
Vinnie said he was going to try and figure out a way to blame this on someone else but it was so his fault that he had no excuse. He said that he looks up names in his Blackberry and he really didn't mean to send the message to Dana. He said it was an honest mistake. He said there is no entry for Dana in his Blackberry and he only had her address because she asked him to send her some pictures from a party.
Vinnie said that he did hear back from Dana and she was very nice about the whole thing and he sees why Artie likes her so much. He said that he hopes that they can work stuff out after all of this. He said that he's got a history of saying the wrong things to people.
Vinnie said that Ralph called him out of the blue last night and he didn't think that he knew anything about this. Then he got a second call from Ralph and Ralph just wanted to know how Artie's appearance went. Vinnie ended up telling Ralph about what happened and he was very cool about it. That led to Sal telling Vinnie that his story went nowhere but Vinnie shot back and told him that he's such an idiot that it takes the spotlight off of everyone else there. He thanked him for that.
Jon let Vinnie go and mentioned that his title is ''CBS Vice President of Programming East Coast'' which basically means that he helps out the Letterman show.
Gary said that he and Jon were laughing about this and thinking about the old Odd Couple show and how they used to do stuff like that. They said that they had some fun coming up with those words based on those old shows.
A caller asked the guys about just how dumb big Foot seems to be. He asked Gary to rank him on how great he is as a guest too. Gary said that he's right up there with Hank the Dwarf and Beetlejuice. They talked about John the Stutterer being one of the smartest guys in the Wack Pack. Big Foot is pretty much out of it with everything. He does know about his car and auto insurance according to Benjy. He said that he is very aware of that stuff. Gary said that Big Foot's thoughts are very random and you never know what he's going to know about.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he really enjoys Big Foot on the show. He thinks that he's a great guest on the show. The guys talked about how Big Foot only came up with ''bum'' to describe a Jew. They said that he really was a great find for the show in that contest they held to try and find a new Wack Packer.
Another caller brought up Artie and the stories he tells about getting whores and stuff but he can never follow through when they set him up with hot chicks. He was thinking that maybe Artie really can't get it up or get laid. He was also asking about Sal taking Howard's abuse and how no man he knows would take that kind of crap from anyone like Howard.
Gary said that he thinks that Artie has a tough time with really hot chicks that are on the show but he has no problem getting whores in Vegas. He might look at the hot chicks Howard sets him up with as a charity case or something like that.
Sal said that there are no ties to the girls who Artie gets in Vegas so he kind of gets that. He said it's easier for him to have sex with someone who won't want to get on the show.
Jon asked Sal about Howard yelling at him and if he ever gets upset. He said that he does get upset but he doesn't get angry at him for treating him the way he does. He said he does get frustrated but more upset than anything.
A caller said that he thinks that Eric the Midget is one of the most aware Wack Packers that they have on the show. He puts up with a lot of stuff that they do to him. Gary thinks that the caller is wrong and Eric thinks that he's the most important guest when he calls in and he's so not self-aware. The caller thinks that Eric is putting up with getting goofed on though. Gary said that he thinks that Eric picks up the phone and he think that they're eventually going to stop calling him a midget and it's just never going to happen. He gets the football pulled away from him every time.
Jon took one last call from a guy who reminded Gary of the days when he had to repeat after Howard. He said that's what Sal should be doing for him. Gary said that he might have to have Sal do that for him instead. That led to the guys talking about the funny clips of Sal doing his apology for his racist comments. Sal said that was Gary's best scam ever in his opinion. Jon had to wrap up the show a short time later.
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Howard started off the show saying that he went out for a run yesterday and it turned out to be one of the windiest days ever and it was very tough. He said that he was about half way through the run when the wind really got to him but he finished the run. He said he walked around like a zombie the rest of the day because of that. He said that when people tell him that he's lucky to be thin he wants to punch them in the face because it's not an easy thing.
Artie said that he wasn't able to sleep because of the wind yesterday. He said he sleeps with the window open and he wasn't able to fall asleep because of the wind.
Howard asked Artie if he called Dana or not yesterday. He said that he ended up sleeping and didn't get to her. He said that he's having problems with his house down at the Jersey shore too but he's going to work that out. He said he had to talk to his lawyers about that and then he went to bed. He ended up sleeping for 17 hours. He went to bed at around 11:30 yesterday and stayed in bed until this morning at about 5:20.
Artie said that he was checking his messages this morning and Dana didn't call him back and leave a message so he's not too hopeful for that. He said that he's flying out to Vegas tonight so he's sure she's thrilled about that too.
Howard told Artie that maybe he should send Dana some flowers like Robin suggested. Artie said he would have done that but he had to sleep yesterday. He said he can't just send her flowers from Vegas. Robin said he can do that and he should.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's ever asked Beth about being with a black man before. He said he asked her about that and she told him that she has never dated a black guy. He said that it wouldn't matter if she had been with one. He said he asked but it wouldn't have mattered if she had. Robin said that it must have mattered if he did ask her.
Howard said he was dating a black woman at the time he met Beth and she asked if that was the first one he'd ever dated and he asked her if she had ever dated a black guy. That's how simple the story was. He said it wasn't a big deal. He and Robin were having some trouble getting their point across and they had a bit of a misunderstanding. Robin thought he was saying one thing but he told her that he was talking about something else.
Howard said that of course he'd ask something like that if Beth brought it up with him. He said that it's no different than asking about someone being shorter or taller than the other person. Howard said that Robin said that she has issues with dating Jim Florentine because she thinks that they must look funny out on the town. Howard said he has no issue about interracial couples looking funny, Robin does.
Artie asked if Beth comes from a family that would have a problem with her dating a black guy. He said that he's not sure about that but there probably would be based on her family back ground, a white Polish, Catholic family.
Artie said that he grew up with some kids that make it clear that they wouldn't be able to hang out with him if he dated a black chick. Howard said that Beth's mother goes out with some mission and feeds black people so she doesn't have a problem with that. He said she also hands out gifts and stuff to homeless people. That's all with the church she goes to but he doesn't think that she has a problem with black people at all. He said that the neighborhoods they go to aren't that great and she had a guy come up to him one time asking for some of the gifts that she had. She handed them over no questions asked and he came back to her the next day and told her that it changed his life because he didn't have a job and he needed some things for his kids.
Artie said that he'd have a problem dating a chick who had been with a black guy because he'd be so intimidated. He said that he was doing the Norm Show years ago and he had this really hot chick that he was trying to date. He eventually banged her and she was coming out to do a photo shoot for Playboy. He said he was driving her to the airport one day after he had been with her and tells her that he's going to watch a Giants game. She tells him that she has a friend on the team and he's not sure what she's doing with the guy. He asked who it was and she told him the name and in that second that it took for her to tell him, he was thinking ''please be a white guy'' over and over again. It turns out to be this big black guy, whose name he didn't want to say, so he took her to the airport and changed his phone number.
The caller said that he knows that Sal was wrong about commenting about Beth. Howard said that it wasn't about the joke. He said that it was that Sal kept going out and telling the joke even after he had apologized to Beth about using it. She never asked him to apologize for it, she never even said anything to him about the joke. Sal somehow found out that she was upset about the joke so he made an apology to her and said he'd never do it again. They became friends and made up but then Sal went out and used the same material on stage and it ended up on YouTube. Beth found out about that and wanted nothing to do with him.
Howard said that Sal lied and that's why Beth wanted nothing to do with him. That's what those discussions were all about. He said he's not attacking Sal over the material, it's the fact that he lied to Beth about never using the jokes again.
Howard ended up giving up on the call because the caller wasn't making any sense to him. Artie and Robin said they couldn't follow him either so they bailed out on the call.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Robin needs to lower her microphone volume. He said that she seems to be stuttering and it's annoying him. He said she can't read and asked her what the fuck is wrong with her.
Another caller told Howard that Gary has really bad grammar and he's always pointing out how bad Richard's is. Howard said there are some people on the show who really do have bad grammar and it's bringing the rest of them down. He said that Ronnie the Limo Driver has really bad grammar. He said he must have graduated high school but he's not even sure about that. He said that if you listen to the English language you eventually figure out what sounds right and wrong.
The caller pointed out some of the things that Gary does wrong and how he thinks he's always right even though he's wrong. Howard said that Gary thinks that he's smarter than he really is. He said he needs to work on his grammar and so do Richard, Sal and Ronnie. He said that Ronnie wasn't even able to say Hokey Pokey and said ''Hopie Kopie'' one time. He played the audio of Ronnie doing that at a party he was at one time.
Gary told Howard that he wasn't upset about this but he had a bunch of other people who were. He said that Ronnie was really upset about it. Howard said he knows he doesn't speak correctly all the time but there are some guys who are really bad. Gary said that Sal is willing to take a grammar test to prove that he's not the worst of the bunch. Artie said he'd take that test with Sal.
Artie and the caller talked about some radio guys who have really bad grammar. Howard said that even Bubba's grammar is bad but that makes his show even funnier. Howard said he's heard the English language enough himself that some of the stuff eventually sinks in.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he didn't know that Howard used to go to the beach when he was a kid and liked hearing the stories that he was telling over the past week. He liked hearing the pinworm story yesterday too. Howard said he got a call from his mom at home yesterday and she said that Ben had told her that she was terrible on the air yesterday. He said he had to call her and try and calm things down.
Howard said he called his mom and she told him that he came running downstairs and told her that she was terrible. She was coming across as angry and difficult on the air. He told her that his dad has a bug up his ass about broadcasting and he really doesn't have a problem with the way she was on the air. He said his father is very definite about the way he thinks things should go.
Howard said his mom wanted to find out if she was that bad and he told her she was fine. He wasn't evaluating everything that was coming out of her mouth. She said she didn't want to talk about the pinworm thing and didn't think anyone wanted to hear about it.
The caller pointed out that his mother was saying ''Huh?'' a lot too. Howard said she thinks that she doesn't have a hearing problem and it's Ben who does. He said that she has a problem too and she needs to get a hearing aid or something.
The caller asked Howard to replay Sal and Richard's prank call to a pizzeria where they keep asking them to hold stuff from the pizzas they're ordering. Howard said this was a good time to replay that so he went right into it.
The caller also said he forgot about Artie's story and how great that was. He said that he liked Howard doing Dana's voice during those discussions. Howard went into the Dana voice and the Grandma Caprio voice. Then Artie picked up the megaphone and did his Beth impression and said that she dated Mean Joe Green in the 70s.
Howard said that he's also the voice of ''Er-uh'' Ted Kennedy. He was doing all of the voices for the guy on the phone. He had Dana dating Ted Kennedy during that quick goof.
The caller asked what happened with Vinnie Favale after all of that. Artie said that it was just a clerical error on Vinnie's part. He said that it's even funnier because Dana's e-mail address is DAC... which should have clued Vinnie in that it wasn't his e-mail.
Howard also played a new Baba Booey song parody to the tune of the chicken dance song. Gary told Howard that Sal and Richard made a new prank call with Big Foot yesterday and it's great. He told Howard that they had Big Foot fighting with himself. They had audio drops of Big Foot that they were playing for Big Foot and he didn't even recognize that it was his own voice. Big Foot was trying to talk to the guy on the phone and had no clue that it was him. He ended up arguing with himself for a few minutes before he hung up on himself.
Artie was laughing during the call and seemed to be loving what he was hearing. Howard said that's like a dog barking at himself in a mirror. Artie said that its' like a bird slamming into a mirror or a window. He said that Steven Wright has a joke about that and it's pretty funny.
Howard said that Eric's show (JFSC.tv) was perhaps the greatest ever. He said that the clip goes on for a minute and a half and you have to stick with it because it sounds like it's over a couple of times, even though it's not. This time Eric's voice was echoing. His co-host Gina also had some echo problems. There was a lot of dead air during their discussions too. Eric would say something and then there'd be nothing for a second. Gina would say something and then there would be a delay.
Howard said that they really are like lunar landing clips. He did his impression of the show and told Eric that he has to be proud of that show. Robin asked him why he bothers doing it. Eric asked her why she has to be such a bitch. He said that there are other parts of the show that are better than that. Artie said that they have more clips in their ''suck pile'' so they'll play some more.
Howard did his lunar landing impression again and made fun of the sound of the show that Eric does. Howard played another clip where Gina was telling people what they were doing and there was a ridiculous amount of echo. That had Robin laughing pretty hard. Howard said that it was absurd. He asked how much more they wanted to hear. Robin was laughing her ass off so Eric told her to stop. She sounded like she was going to pass out so Eric said he wished that she would.
Eric asked where the part was where he was doing the interview with Jason Hervey. Howard said he didn't get that far into it. He said that this is an embarrassment and he has to get the technical problems fixed. Artie said that it is better than any Ron and Fez he's ever heard.
Howard asked Eric what name he was going by last night and played one of the ''Eric the...'' clips that he's been playing lately. This time it was Eric the Fag. Howard asked what kind of ratings Eric has been getting with this show lately. Eric said that they're pretty good. Fred kept playing the ''Ack, ack'' clips from Mars Attacks too.
Howard played a clip of Eric telling a joke on the show last night and asked him again what name he went by last night. He had the Eric the Ignorant Asshole clip. He also saw Eric's co-host on the cam with him and said that she's cute. Howard played some more of those ''Eric the...'' clips and Artie asked who painted his hair today. Eric said that he didn't have it done today, he has to get it redone soon.
Artie asked Eric where he's located in California because he wants to do a gig out there. He said that he'd love to come over to his house and see his setup there. Eric said that he knows that ''Jim Levy'' has a gig set up out there. Artie said he doesn't want to do a show with them, he wants to come out and see his set up himself. Artie said that he'll let him know and he might want to be a guest on his show out there. He's very curious about seeing his set up.
Eric said that they're looking to get more guests out there so Artie might be one of them. He said that you can see him at www.JFSC.tv. Howard let him go a short time later.
Will the Farter called in but his cell phone wasn't working right so they couldn't hear him. Howard had to bail out on his call. He said that there's something wrong with that guy and he's got a lot of stuff going on in his life that his family doesn't even know about. He said he thinks that Will is in love with that Kissy chick. He said he has to talk to him about that.
Johnny Fratto called in and told Howard that he has some ratings for the show that Eric is doing and it's very surprising. He said that he has numbers on the number of hits that he gets doing the show. Artie said that it could be a couple hundred thousand but Johnny said that it's 13 million. He said that he just gave Will the password to get into see the stats. He said that it doesn't mean that he had 13 million people looking at it but it does mean that there were a hell of a lot of people looking at it. Robin asked about the technical problems. Johnny said he had no idea what that was about.
Will said that he had been doing this for four years before this and the family had no idea. He said his girlfriend knew about the porn movie and she wasn't too thrilled with it. He said that he knows that this is going to turn into a shitstorm though. He said that he's not in love with Kissy Kapri either. Howard said that the guys there thought he was but he claims that he's not.
Howard asked Will if he banged Kissy after his appearance on the show. He swore that he didn't. Howard asked him to give them a fart just to cheer everyone up. He blasted away a little bit and Howard said that's what made him fall in love with Will. Will just kept going with the farts and Howard said he could listen to that all day long.
Howard said that they need to play some games with this guy and have him play some songs with his farts. He asked Will to play some songs for them and they'd try to guess. Will would let out some farts that were kind of close to music and the guys would guess what the song was. Howard and Artie were taking guesses but they weren't able to figure it out. Will said he was playing Mary Had a Little Lamb. No one got it.
Will got in a plug for Clips4Sale.com which is where you can find his clips and just about anything else you want in porn.
Howard played a clip of a woman doing some pussy farts (queefs). She was blasting them out on some guy's cock. Howard wondered where you find a girl like that. Sal came in and said that she is smokin' hot too. Howard saw a picture of her and said that she looks like a Jenna Jameson type. Sal said that the clip was great too. He said that she had guys in her and she was just about vomiting on a guy's cock. He said he hasn't jerked off to it... yet. Howard said that he has to go to break but he has a chick coming in who has a crush on Benjy. He said that he's going to love that. Fred was playing some clips of Howard's mom saying ''huh?'' before they went to commercial.
Howard had this girl Robyn O'Neil come in who had contacted them recently about being into Benjy and Artie. Howard gave her a ''wow'' when she came in. She wondered what she should be called, maybe White Robyn, since there were two Robyn's in the room. Howard told her that she's extremely pretty and he wondered if she's got some kind of issue with fat guys or something. She said that she likes people for their personalities. He was wondering if she had some kind of mental illness or something to be into these guys.
Robyn said that she's not perfect but she doesn't think that she's mentally ill. Howard asked Benjy if he was attracted to her. Benjy said that she is beautiful and she's got a great personality. He said that at first glance he likes her. Howard said he finds it impossible for her to be into Benjy. Artie asked her what web site she was going to plug. She said she didn't have one and she needs nothing from anyone there. She said that she makes six figures already and she's a self-made woman.
Artie said that she's very pretty and she's got a good body. She said that she's got a 34-C chest but Howard said he would have guessed that they were a D. She said she's no where near as big as Robyn. She said that she just recently had a breast tumor removed so she's kind of embarrassed to have her boobs out. She said that she's not sure she could do that for them. Artie asked Robyn if she ever stops yapping because she was a little chatty. She said she knows she is.
Howard asked her if she's ever been with other women. She said that she has been a couple of times but she's more into guys than women. She said that she's seen Benjy naked before on Howard's show and she still likes him. Benjy said that she seems like she'd be fun and very interesting to hang out with. He's seen her art too and he's intrigued by that as well.
Howard said that Robyn wanted to go out with either Benjy or Artie. She never got a response from them when she'd write in about Artie, only when she sent in a picture and said she was interested in Benjy did she get any attention.
Robyn said that she loves some of the stuff about Benjy that Howard hates so much. She said she likes that unusual way he has of answering questions. She said that it means that he's thoughtful when he thinks about stuff the way he does.
Robyn said that she called in one time and said that she would have blown Artie. She said that she was too chatty for them and Howard hung up on her that time. Howard asked Artie if he wanted to take this girl from Benjy. Artie said he has a very complicated situation with Dana right now so he can't do anything with this girl. He said that she's great though. He said that she'd be fun to hang out with from what he can tell. He said that he had to pass this offer up though.
Benjy said that he'd love to go out with this chick this weekend. He said that he knows that she's in town for the whole weekend. Robyn told Howard that she enjoys being half dressed most of the time and she can get off very easy. Gary asked her if she wanted to masturbate while Artie talked to her. She just laughed and Howard said that he's not sure she wants to do that.
Artie said that he's never had a woman tell him that she's masturbated while thinking about him. He asked Robyn what she does when she's thinking about a guy like that. She said that it's a lot about blow jobs when she's thinking about that stuff. She'd probably wake Artie up with a blow job so she thinks about what that would be like.
Howard said that Benjy has a good opportunity here to take this girl out. Benjy said that he's very confident in himself and he's not that surprised that this girl is into him. Robyn said that she really likes his look and doesn't mind that ''rosatia'' look that he has when he gets all red and blotchy.
Robyn said that she's been listening to the show since she was 14 and she has a broad view of life and she's into all kinds of people. The guys showed some pictures of Benjy naked to Robyn so she could see what he looked like. She had no problem with his look at all. Fred threw in a bunch of elephant sound effects while they were showing those pictures.
Robyn said that she makes in the mid six figure range and she really needs nothing. She sells her art and can make some very good money doing that. The guys showed one of her pieces of art and it was a pencil drawing of a dead owl. She said that her art is about death. Howard said he wouldn't want to see that but Artie said he kind of liked it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Robyn could pull out that one good titty that wasn't operated on. She said that it might be kind of awkward. She did lift up her shirt to show her bra. The guys were impressed with the size and said that they looked bigger than a C-cup. Benjy said that she's really beautiful and sexy and she's got a great personality. He does want to go out with her. Howard let him say a few words to her. Benjy said that he's looking forward to getting to know her.
Irish John called in and said that he has to marry this girl and get rid of that ''annoying Ivy Supersonic.'' Benjy said that he's still friends with her and has no problem with her. Howard took some other calls from people who had some questions for Benjy and this girl. Benjy was also wondering what she thought about his views on monogamy and being with other chicks. She seemed to see his point of view on all of that stuff and didn't seem to have a problem with it.
Howard checked out some of her other art and asked her about some of that. She explained some of the stuff he was looking at and it was pretty intense stuff. She said that she has a waiting list for her art and it's pretty much pre-sold before she even starts. One of her pieces was listed at $70,000.
Robyn said that she lives in Houston, Texas but she comes to New York a lot for art shows. A caller asked if they put a muzzle on her seeing eye dog because he didn't hear it barking. Another guy said he didn't think that a woman talking about a tumor being removed could sound so hot.
Robyn said that she got hit on by this woman one time and she ended up going to her apartment. She said that she was leaving and the girl pinned her against the door and made out with her and took her shirt off and took control. She said that she knew how to play with her boobs the right way and it was great. She said that she didn't go down below though. She figured that maybe she knew that she wasn't quite ready for that. She told another story about making out with a really hot girl in a car one time. She said that she hasn't done that kind of thing all that often though.
Howard had Benjy say a few more words to this girl before he let her go. Benjy said that he's dated some very pretty women in his life but he feels lucky that she came to meet him and he's looking forward to getting to know her. Howard helped him out and told him to ask her for her number. He said that he will get the number and he will call her later today. He said that he loves showing people around New York and he'd love to show her around the city. Artie said that he'd sign a picture for her too.
Howard picked up and Robin wondered why he had to disguise his voice. The guy said that he has a job at a place where he has to use the public address system. He doesn't want anyone to know what he sounds like because he doesn't want to be caught. His voice was masked a little bit with a voice changer.
Howard said that Nicky was one of the biggest heroin dealers in the world before he got caught. He talked to him about this movie ''American Gangster'' that Denzel Washington is in and how he thinks that the movie should have been about him. Nicky said that it should have been but only if he could have made money off of it.
Howard talked to Nicky about what it was like being a huge dealer like that back in the 70s. He was in a group that they called The Council and they used to have a code that said they'd never rat on anyone and they'd never fuck each other's women. Nicky claims that one of the guys fucked his woman so he ratted on him and that's how he ended up where he's at now. He said he's not sure why the other guy did what he did but he thinks that the guy was trying to get the energy that he had by taking his woman away from him.
Nicky said that this code of honor was something that they believed in back then and the rest of the guys who are locked up are still sticking with that code, even though he turned them in. Howard said that Henry Hill isn't afraid of being found because he'll tell everyone where he's at when he calls the show. He wondered why Nicky was so paranoid. Nicky said that he's seen a lot of stuff and he has pled guilty to some homicides but he refused to say ''yes'' when Robin asked him if he killed anyone. He said that he doesn't brag about that stuff.
Howard asked Nicky how he would kill someone if he had to. Nicky said that he wasn't involved in this one homicide and he didn't want to say that he was involved, he just knows about how this went down. He said that this case has already been discussed in court and it's all in the public records. He said that he was going to give them something about that case.
Nicky went on to tell this story about a guy who was being tracked by council members because he had broken the code. They were chasing him down and he was found in the back of a bar. They weren't able to do it in the bar because the guy was in the back of the bar and there was no way for them to get out of there if the crowd rushed to the front. They called the bar and had the guy come to the phone so that's how they got him to the front to take him out.
Howard asked Nicky about being in the program and if he misses that old life. Nicky said that he misses the money but he doesn't miss the constant watching the rear view mirror. Howard asked if he was getting laid by different women all the time and stuff like that. He said that he was, he would have anything and everything he could. Howard said that he must be going nuts in this job that he has now. He said that it's not that bad and he's kind of liking it. He said that he can't say what he does for a living because he can't risk screwing things up.
Howard and Robin asked Nicky about what happened to some of the other people he dealt with in the past. He said that he never put out hits himself and there were other people that he testified against who would put out hits on people.
Howard asked Nicky how much he thinks he was worth when he had the most money. Nicky said that it was maybe $15 or $20 million. He said it was good money back then. Howard said that he made the classic mistake of doing an interview with Time Magazine and they said that he was Mr. Untouchable. That led to President Carter seeing the article and going after him.
Howard asked Nicky why he did that article. He said that it was a mistake and it was his ego that made him do it. He said that it wasn't good common sense either. He said it wasn't like he was an executive at GM or something, he was like the conductor of a classical orchestra or something. He said that he wasn't doing the work on the assembly line, he was just telling people what to do. Howard said that he was fascinated by this whole thing.
Artie said that there was this movie made about him and Cuba Gooding Jr. was playing him and it made him look like a buffoon. He explained what went on with this movie and how they twisted things around. He said that they made up stuff in the movie and changed the story a bit. He told Artie what had actually gone on at that time and how he came about getting all of the drugs that he was dealing. He explained how all of this stuff went down, in detail, and seemed to have Howard and Artie speechless. They didn't interrupt and let him go on and on about that stuff.
Howard said that he read that there was a guy who wanted to get into Nicky's gang and he wanted to prove that he could be in with them so he went out and killed someone random on the street. Nicky said that when you start dropping bodies, that's a way of leaving a trail and he thought that it wasn't the right thing to do.
Howard said that Nicky has a DVD out called ''Mr. Untouchable'' which is a documentary about his life. Nicky said that he can make money on the deal. Howard was going to wrap up but Gary wanted to know if his woman knows who he is. Nicky said that she thinks that she's with a different guy. Nicky said that he doesn't tell anyone about this stuff because he's in the Witness Protection program and he can't let anyone know.
Howard asked Nicky who he's supporting for president. He said that he hasn't been keeping up on that stuff. Artie told Nicky that he's a heroin addict and wondered if he could tell him where to get some good stuff. Nicky didn't know because he hadn't been to the city in a long time and things have changed a lot since the 70s. He said he knows that it exists though and there are good pockets of heroin dealers out there.
Nicky told the guys some other stories about things that happened to him when he was in the joint. He said that a lot of guys forgot the code and started to use the drugs they were selling. He said that he eventually made some arrangements to get things worked out so his people could keep getting paid.
Howard told Nicky to save some of his stories so people will buy his DVD and check it out. Howard thanked him for calling in and said that he's got a $1 million hit out on him right now so he must be worried about that every day.
Nicky told Howard about the movie ''American Gangster'' and how they were trying to portray someone else as a Nicky Barnes character and in the DVD he has out, he says that you get to see his hand measuring some 1/4 spoons and stuff. He said that he had a lot of power on the east coast and the guy in that movie didn't have the power that he had. He said he's got the book (Mr. Untouchable: My Crimes and Punishments) out too and that will fill people in on all of the details about his life.
Nicky said that he had hours of stories to tell. Artie said that he'd call him at home to talk to him about all of that stuff. Robin said that it sounds like he wants to tell everything he can about that stuff. Howard said it has to be weird for these guys who have to go and work a regular job after having the life with all of the drug money.
Howard and the guys talked about the scary life that Nicky had and gave him some more plugs after they let him off the phone. They were also talking about the movie ''American Gangster'' for a few minutes.
Howard read through the article about Rush and his young woman. They claim that Rush is like a 25 year old and he should be able to keep up.
Howard read through the whole story about how Rush met this woman 4 years ago at a golf event and they just started dating this past summer. Howard said that they talk about Rush's 3 marriages in the article. They didn't last all that long according to the article. Howard said that he's not even a young looking 57, he looks like a driving instructor or something. He said that he's nuts too. They talked about the pills that Rush was popping a few years back.
Howard said there was another story about this guy who used to cut out the dirty parts in main stream movies and rent them out. He was just arrested for having sex with underage girls. He read that his movie company was a cover for a porn movie production company. Howard read the article and talked about that for a short time.
Howard got Lisa on the phone and said that he finds her attractive. He didn't want to her to take this the wrong way. He said that he'd love to have her live in the studio so he could look at her. He told her that he's the greatest broadcaster in the world and wanted to give her some tips on how to host these red carpet things she does.
Howard told Lisa that her upper lip is bigger than her bottom one and asked if she's injecting them. She kind of skirted around the question when he asked her to swear that they were real. Howard said he was going to do her a favor. He said that she's gorgeous and she doesn't have to be so insecure that she has to blow up that lip that big. He said that she's not seeing it clearly and she's like an anorexic who thinks she's fat. He said that her lip doesn't need to be that big and it's distracting him. He said that it's really bothering him and he wants her to know how beautiful she is without that giant lip.
Howard said that he would bang her like crazy but that lip is starting to look freakish. He said that it looks like a strip of bacon. He asked her how many injections she's getting. She said that it's the same lip she's had for a long time. She said she wouldn't swear on the lord Jesus Christ that it wasn't being injected. She said that she would swear that She wasn't injecting it, but Gary told Howard that she's saying that she's not doing it but maybe a doctor is.
Howard told Lisa to come in and take a lie detector test. She didn't want to do that. Howard said that she had to have had some procedure done on that lip. She said that she hears him and she will think about that seriously. She said that she knows that he's a huge fan of hers.
Howard said that he just got a picture of her from the 1980s and her lip was much smaller back then. It's obvious that she's doing something. She said that Harry likes the way they look. Howard said that they all thought that Harry was gay in the past so never mind that. He said that she really doesn't need that lip.
Howard said that he likes to look at Lisa on the red carpet but she has to ask more questions. He said he was going to play some clips of her talking to someone at the SAG Awards on the red carpet and he didn't learn one thing from the interview. He played the clip where she was talking to an actress about what she was wearing and yelling and screaming but nothing else.
Howard told Lisa what she really needs to do when she does these interviews. She asked him to come with her to coach her a little bit. Howard said that's what Beth was telling him he needed to do too. He said that he watches these shows and he thinks that she really needs to get this stuff under control. He played another clip where she was talking to some other people who were nominated for awards and she really had no questions for them.
Lisa told Howard she was falling asleep hearing herself too and she wants Howard to call her before the shows to coach her. She said that she's taking his advice on all of this stuff and she is listening. Howard said that he used to jerk off to her all the time when she was on Melrose Place. Robin said that she's on a web site called ''Awful Plastic Surgery'' because of those lips. Lisa said that sucks.
Howard told Lisa that he doesn't usually look at 44 year old women but she's so hot that he jerks off thinking about her. He said that she needs him to bang her and he'd do her so good. He said he thinks about her bent over and taking her from behind.
Richard Christy came in and asked Lisa not to pose nude while she's pregnant again. He said that ruins it for guys when they do stuff like that. She said she's pretty sure she's done with that.
Howard gave Lisa a plug for another red carpet event she's going to be covering. He gave her some advice on what to ask the people that she'll be seeing there. He said that he saw her with Ellen Page from ''Juno'' at the SAG Awards and he didn't like the way she handled the interview. He told her about the kind of questions that he wants to hear her asking about and she said that she will take that and try to do better.
Howard told Lisa to calm down a little bit and not work so hard at trying to make people laugh and things like that. He said that she gives some fake laughs sometimes and he doesn't like that. He said that it's a nervous thing that she does and she has to stop that. He thinks that it's a nervous thing she does. He told her to stop that as well.
Howard said that Lisa is going to be at the Grammy's and he's going to be watching. He said that he likes the clothes she wears and she's got that down just right. He said he wants to see more of her back though. He said that he'd also like to see her belly and maybe wear something that's kind of see through. He said that he'd like to see her ass in a dress too.
Howard told Lisa to wear a sexy outfit and to concentrate on the people she's interviewing. Lisa told Howard he's right and he knows what he's talking about. She asked how Joey Fattone was with her. Howard said that he was fine. He said that he should be there with her instead but he'd have his hand on her ass the whole time.
Howard told Lisa how beautiful she is and how even her shorter hair is hot on her. He said that he likes her face and her body but she really doesn't need to plump up those lips. He told her to take the lip down a notch and just leave it alone. Howard said he's pretty sure that it's going to take a while to come down from where it's at now. He said that he saw her on Regis and Kelly and saw that big lip.
Howard told Lisa to interview him right then as if he had just shown up at the Grammys. She asked him how he prepared for the show and if he was going to be presenting at the show. She was nice and calm and asked a few questions that Howard liked. He said that it was a good interview. Robin said that she takes direction very well.
Howard said that Lisa will be on the TV Guide network on Monday, February 11th doing the fashion review at the Grammys. He let her go a short time later.
Howard said that she's really a sexy woman and hopes that she wasn't offended by his comments. He said that he doesn't know why she thinks she needs that lip thing. He said he and Beth are always watching those shows and critiquing them.
Howard said that Yucko the Clown was going to be stopping by today. That led to Artie talking about how they did some photos for an event they were doing and Yucko had to go get into his make up and then he had to take it off because they weren't able to do the photo shoot. He said that he got a glimpse of what he has to do to prepare for that whole clown thing and it looks horrible. He said that he's married to that make up now. He said that he likes the guy a lot but he felt really bad for him that day. They went to break a short time later.
Yucko came in complaining about Artie saying that he was married to his make up. He went off on him for a minute and Artie said that he feels bad for him that he's got to do what he does. Howard cut them off and got Mike Walker on the phone to play his game. Yucko threw in a few jokes about Artie's fat before Howard got Mike on.
Mike was on the line and Howard got right into it with him. Here's how the game goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard said that he ran into Nicole Sheridan the other night when he was out to dinner and she was acting like her shit doesn't stink. He went off on her about that for a few seconds.
Yucko said that his girlfriend just asked about a show one time and Artie is blowing it out of proportion. He was also going off on Artie about the stuff he was saying earlier about him being married to his make up. He said that he's doing just fine with that and everyone has to get dressed. He said that Artie has to put on his cargo pants and go out and tell his Cheers joke from 1993. Artie told him that it gets him paid.
Howard asked Yucko about what he thinks about Robin and Jim Florentine dating. Yucko said that if Jim keeps that up they're going to have to call him ''Jungle Jim.'' He went on to say that he's just jealous of Robin and Jim and he wanted to go out with her. He said he likes black women but he prefers a ''fat nig*er.'' Howard told Yucko that he doesn't like the racist words there. Yucko threw out just about every slur he could think of after that.
Howard asked Yucko who he's thinking of for the Presidential race. Yucko said that he's not sure if he'd go for the schvoogie or the dyke. The guys told Yucko that Hillary isn't a dyke but Yucko didn't seem to believe that.
Howard asked Yucko if it's true that he's upset that he's not going to his wedding. Yucko said that his is in May and down in Georgia and he wants him to get his ass down there. He said that everyone is invited and he wants Robin and Artie to come too. They hadn't sent out invitations yet though.
Howard asked Yucko if he does drugs. Yucko said that he doesn't touch that shit. He prefers the bourbon. He was throwing out a few jokes and playing that horn after each one.
Howard gave Yucko some plugs for the show he's doing up in Milford, Connecticut. Artie laughed and said that if he really wants to make some money, he should tape himself putting on his clown make up. That led to them talking about his make up. Artie said that he's an awful clown and goofed on him a little more. Howard gave him another plug and made Artie laugh when he heard where they're appearing.
Yucko asked Robin if she's going to be at the Nokia Theater tomorrow night. Her boyfriend is going to be there. Robin said that she won't be there. She said that she might drop by just because Artie told her that she might help sell some tickets if she says that.
Yucko said that he might not get back on Jimmy Kimmel's show because of some of the jokes that he told on the show. He said that he may have gone too far for that show. He said they don't get his act like Howard does.
Howard asked the two of them if they're still a couple. Benjy said that they're not but they are friends. Ivy said that Benjy called her just the other night to come over and suck his cock. Benjy said that he was probably just kidding around. Ivy said that she didn't take it that way though, she said that he treated her like a whore.
Ivy said that she likes Benjy as a friend but she's not sure why, if she has pussy surgery, she can't stay at his house today. She needs someone to take care of her. She said that she has a polyp in her pussy that she has to get taken care of. She needs someone to take care of her but Benjy won't do it. She has a boyfriend who will help her out though.
Ivy said that she had to reschedule the surgery and she's got all kinds of other plans but Howard told her that he was zoning out from this conversation. He told her to just stay at the boyfriend's house so he can take care of her.
Ivy wanted to know why Benjy wanted to get trained by a girl when she got him a great guy trainer. Ivy asked Benjy if she could stay at his house. He said no but he would help her out after the surgery, unless something else more important comes up.
Artie said that he wanted to hear from Ivy every day because he loves hearing this stuff. The guys told her that she might need to get a shrink. Yucko told her that if she wants to see a shrink, just look at his cock when she walks into the room... (honk, honk). Howard let Ivy go and spent a little more time talking about that odd relationship that Benjy has with her.
The guys were saying that maybe Jim doesn't even know about that mention in the promotion. Robin said that she'd think that he would know about it if they had to run it past him before they put it out. Robin said that it does upset her to hear that and she's hoping that he wouldn't put that out there the way they did.
Steve said that they also have a story about High Pitch Eric who is still in contact with the woman who just dropped the charges against him. She said that now she's disgusted with herself for not sticking with the charges. Howard said he can't believe that. He said that it is just heresy.
Robin asked Steve if they've spoken to Jim about this story. Steve said that Jim doesn't return their phone calls. Howard said that he thinks that Jim probably didn't know about what they were putting out. They were goofing around talking about all of that stuff. Robin said that if she finds out that Jim was behind that stuff, she will break up with him. She was being serious about that too.
Artie said that Robin shouldn't do that because that has been Steve's goal since this relationship began. Steve said that's not true at all. He said that they love this story about Robin and Jim dating and it's meant a lot to them in the news department.
Robin said that she's not sure how she's going to find out about this Jim thing. She said she might have to wait for Steve to do his investigation. She said that she will break up with him if he was behind it though. Howard said that this could be the end of an incredible thing and he's really happy for Robin and Jim. He said that he'd hate to see it end. He thought he saw tears in Robin's eyes but she said that she wasn't crying.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said she has to have more faith in Jim and not break up. Robin said she wasn't going to break up based on the story. She has to find out more details first.
Robin said that she didn't want to hear Fred's impression of Jim anymore. She was done with it until she finds out the whole story. Fred went into the impression and stayed on it anyway. He said that he was furious about the whole thing and that Robin found out.
Ralph called in and said that she'll never know for sure and she should dump him and be done with it. He thinks that she should be out having fun and fucking other guys. Robin said that it looks like she's out now. She laughed a bit about that. Howard asked if she's going to have felt used by Jim if he did that. She said that she just doesn't like it.
Gary said that Robin still hits on Gregg the camera guy every chance she gets. Robin didn't think that was a problem. She's just having fun. Howard said that this was really upsetting to him and he can see that Robin is upset about it too. She said that she's sad about it but she's not tearing up. Robin said that Steve is ruining everything with this story.
Steve said that High Pitch is claiming that the woman is a liar who is claiming that he's still calling her. He's still posting stuff about her on SFN though. Robin said that the woman can still file those charges against him and he must not realize that.
Steve had another story about Artie doing an interview and telling the reporter that he would let Howard date his sister Stacy. Artie said that of all of the celebrities that he's met, Howard is the one who he thinks would be the only one he'd be okay with dating his sister. He said that he's so nice and monogamous. Howard said that he'd be really good to her and he'd take her up on that offer if he was single.
Steve said they have a story about High Pitch Mike blaming Artie for all of the stuff that went wrong with Dana even though it was Vinnie Favale who sent the e-mail to her. Yucko was saying that High Pitch Mike is a creepy guy and he ran into him out in the hall and talked to him about Iran and he said that he thinks that his ''eye ran'' to the other side of his head.
Gary told Howard that they have some audio of Robin flirting with Gregg just last week. He told Howard where the clip was so he played it for everyone. Robin was saying that she was thinking about him (Gregg) and they brought in some other guy that she didn't want. She was telling Gregg that she thinks about what must be going on under that shirt of his. Howard asked Robin what's going on, she's on fire with that stuff.
Gregg came in and said that he likes this treatment and he'd be down with it if Robin wanted to go out with him. He said that he's a Jim fan though so he wouldn't want to step on any toes. Howard told Robin that she could be getting some young man there.
With the way things were going with Robin and this Jim story, it sounded like Gregg might get the chance to go out with her. Artie said that he'd like her to come out to Vegas with him this weekend if she's going to break it off with Jim.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Yucko said that he thinks that Jon looks like a child molester and asked him how many kids he's got buried in his basement. Jon said that he likes that the guy dressed in the filthy clown outfit is calling him a child molester. That led to the guys talking about how much money Jon Hein made for selling his JumpTheShark.com web site. Yucko wondered what the hell he's doing wrong that he can't make that kind of money.
Jon said they'll be talking about the Robyn who came in to get a date with Benjy. They'll also talk about Nicky Barnes' call to the show and much, much more. Howard had Robin get to her news after that.
Yucko was doing an impression of Artie that sounded kind of like Grover from Sesame Street. Robin did a story about Farah Fawcett getting some treatment for her colon cancer and how she's been taping all of the treatment.
Howard had Shuli, pretending to be Jim Florentine, on the phone. He let him say a few words. He said that he had Kevin Lofton on the phone too. Kevin does the animations for them and he's got a new one for Howard TV of Robin and Jim that he wants to air before they break up. He also made one about Ronnie breaking up with his wife. Howard went to break a short time later.
After the break Howard gave Yucko some plugs for his web site DamnShow.com and some other stuff. He was also saying that they're looking for some people to play Win Fred's Money. Yucko said he could beat Fred but he didn't want his girlfriend to have to get naked if he lost.
Robin got back into her news and read a story about a speed dating event that was going on. Artie said that he could be a sugar daddy and be part of that. Yucko did his impression of Artie again but by then, Artie had turned into Yoda. He had Artie laughing at the impression because it really didn't sound like him at all.
Robin told one story about the woman who does the voice of Bart Simpson donating $10 million to the church of Scientology. That led to the guys talking about the kind of money the people on that show must be making now. Artie said that they've been doing that show for 20-fucking-years now and they get paid very well to keep doing those voices. He thinks that the regulars on that show are probably worth $40-50 million by this time. Howard wondered why he can't do voices like that and went into a couple of impressions. He did his Kermit the Frog/Ray Romano impression, his Ted Kennedy and a couple of others.
Robin read a story about the Writer's Strike and how that's still going on. Howard said that he misses Smallville and he wishes they'd come back. He said he likes to see that Lost is coming back tonight. Benjy said that they had a replay last night and he got duped into thinking that they were going to have the new one on. Jon Hein came in and said that the new show is on tonight. Howard said that there's a new Smallville on tonight too. He sounded surprised and pleased by that news.
Howard read through some email about the hot chicks that were in there the other day. He said that their show is up on Howard TV now. He also said that some people think that Artie should get engaged so he's not so lonely. Someone also wrote in about the Steve Langford theme song and how he was singing it out in public and got some strange looks. Artie talked about how he's not sure if this Dana thing is going to work out or not. He's not very confident. Howard thinks that he can pull it off but this is probably his last shot.
Robin read through some more stories about Rudy Giuliani throwing his support behind John McCain. The guys ended up talking about what kind of chance McCain would have against Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. Fred said that he doesn't think that Hillary could ever get elected because there's still a bias in this country against women as bosses and that would never happen. He disagrees with that and thinks that she's the most qualified out of all of them but she'll never get elected.
One of the clips that Howard played had really bad sound quality so he said that the guy who runs the Eric the Midget show must have been running that one. Fred threw in the ''ack, ack, ack'' sound clips from Mars Attacks again when they brought up Eric.
Robin had some more stories about various politicians. Yucko did some more impressions during that stuff and amused Artie with his horn honking. Robin brought up Ted Kennedy's name so the guys ended up doing their Kennedy impressions for a short time.
Robin read through a few more stories. She had some clips from last night's American Idol. Fred had some clips of Jack Nicholson yelling ''Shut up!'' over and over again from Mars Attacks that he threw in there during those singing clips.
Gary told Howard that he was checking out the google trends for today and Nicky Barnes, Lisa Rinna and Robyn O'Neil were all in the top 10 most searched terms so far today. Howard wondered where Yucko the Clown was in that list. He joked that ''pussy polyps'' beat out Yucko today. Artie asked if racist clown was even in there at all.
Robin wrapped up her news a short time later. Artie got in a few plugs for the gigs he's doing out in Vegas this weekend. He said that his Letterman appearance is airing tomorrow night as well. Howard ended the show around 10:45am.
Gary said that Robyn seemed like a free spirit and she seems like the kind of person who should have been born back in the 60s. Will came in and said that she had sent them a letter and she really wanted to come in and meet Benjy. He thinks that he has a good chance of scoring with her this weekend too. Gary said that was pretty obvious during the interview.
The guys talked about Robyn's art work and how nice that was. They talked about how Howard probably would have told her to keep stocking shelves if she wasn't already an artist. Gary said he didn't give any thought about her being cute or not before she came in. He said that she was cute though so it was a surprise for some of them. He said that he was pleasantly surprised himself. So was Will.
Jon played a clip of Robyn where they asked her about Benjy's red splotches and stuff. Jon said that it is kind of weird to be attracted to that. He wondered if it's shady or legit. Gary thinks that she's really into him and she seemed pretty genuine about it all.
Jon asked if they think that Artie will cast a shadow over this date because she did seem to be into him as much as Benjy. They're going to ask Benjy more about that when he comes in.
Jon asked Gregg what he'd do if he had the chance to date Robin. He said he'd try to be really smooth, which he's not, and try to make things happen.
The guys ended up talking about how upset Robin was about that story that Steve Langford brought up. They think that Robin was really upset about it and Yucko goofing around with the story wasn't helping. They talked about Yucko's girlfriend and the stuff that Artie was saying about her.
Jon played a clip of Howard talking about the bad grammar. The guys talked about how pissed off Ronnie and Richard got when Howard talked about how bad their grammar was.
Benjy came in so Jon asked him about what happened after the Robyn segment. Benjy said that he was talking to her after that and Gary pointed out that he'd forgotten that they were on the air. He ended up spending about 20 minutes with her out in the green room.
Benjy said that he's attracted to Robyn but he still has to get to know her better. He said that he was hoping that Howard wouldn't go in the direction he did with the rashes and stuff on his skin but it worked out okay when he did.
Jon asked Benjy if he was okay with being second choice to Artie. She said that she was physically more into Benjy than Artie according to Will's notes. He was fine with that. Benjy said that he has the body and Artie has the personality. Will said that if you put them together they'd have the perfect man.
Will said that he's pretty sure that Robin is tired of all of this coverage of her relationship and she'd end it over something simple like that. Benjy wondered if it's really wrong if Jim did what they claim he may have done. Gary said that it would be a betrayal and it would be wrong.
Benjy was asking questions about the story and had everyone confused and bored. Gary said that he didn't have the patience to figure him out today. They tried to work with him but it was tough so Jon just moved on.
Jon took another phone call from a guy who said that Robin is kind of dangerous when it comes to something like that and he'd be afraid of what might happen with Jim. The guys talked about how ugly things could get if they do break up. Robin could keep Jim off the show if she really wanted to. No one else has that power on the show though.
Gary said that he asked Howard to not go any further with that apology tape he'd made for that woman years ago. He said that Howard laughed and told him to get over it. He'd never do that with Robin though.
Another caller told the guys that they've done a week of great shows this week and he really appreciates that. He told them about the three Penthouse chicks, the whole Eric the Midget thing and a lot of other stuff. He said that they haven't had one hiccup at all this week. He said that it was a fantastic four days.
Gary said that they did a bunch of good stuff without any major guests. They talked about some of the great stuff that was going on yesterday and all this week.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that the Benjy yule log thing is really creepy. Benjy said he didn't like the way they ran that either. He said that he doesn't think that he's creepy, he's just being himself.
Gary said that Doug Goodstein sent out a memo about Benjy and described him leaving the building yesterday and yelling at him to get his kid off the chair. There was no camera out there and Benjy was just fucking around with Doug out on the street. Benjy said he spotted Doug from about a block away and he was just screaming at him from that far away. Jon had to go to break a short time later.
Benjy said that the funniest thing he remembers about Yucko was seeing a guy out in Vegas holding up a sign that said ''Yucko'' and it turned out to be Roger holding up a sign for himself. He said that he likes when he gets into that crazy stuff that he gets into.
Gary said he thinks that the guy is really great but he hasn't figured out what to do with the character. Benjy said that he thinks that they should have Roger come on the show and not do his character one day. He said that they used to have that guy Colt 40-Feinberg on the show and he was really good in that character he did.
Jon went to the phones and one guy said that he's not bothered by the N-word at all but Howard seemed like he was getting annoyed with Yucko when he was doing it. Gary said he may have been but you can't tell the guy not to use the word if he's supposed to be a racist clown. He wondered if the guys were upset with his use of the word or not. Jon said that you have to expect that from him.
Another caller said that he was wondering where Beetlejuice has been lately. Gary said that he'll be in again, he said they don't want to beat a dead horse and keep having him in all the time. The caller said that he was kind of worried about him not being on the show lately. Gary said that he's doing fine and they're just trying not to over expose him.
Benjy was joking that he likes when he comes in and when he's playing himself as Lester. That joke didn't really go anywhere when Gary asked him to elaborate on the differences between the two.
Another caller asked Jon if he was upset about the comments that Yucko made about him. Jon said he wasn't upset at all with that ''hack Clown's'' comments. Benjy said that they know what to expect from Yucko and they just play along with it when he comes in.
Gary said that poor Bob Denver had to wear that Gilligan outfit until the day he died. that's kind of what Yucko has to go through. Will talked about how disgusting his outfit is and how he must not want to get into that thing every day. He must get upset about it sometimes.
Jon took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing a bunch of different impressions and singing to the guys. They bailed out on his call after a couple of minutes of his Pete Cetera impression.
A woman called in and said that she's glad to hear that Artie is trying to get Dana back. She was trying to get on the show herself trying to get a date with him. She said that she'd like to hear Will get his own show too. She said she loves him. The guys knew who she was and talked to her about her attempts to get her daughter a date with Artie.
Jon got back to the grammar thing and asked Benjy why he thinks Howard gets so into that stuff with the people on the show. Benjy said that he must hear it all the time and maybe it drives him nuts. Will said that Howard is upset that he's picking up the bad habits from the rest of the guys he's around and that's why he was going off on everyone.
Gary said that Howard thinks that things are very simple and people can just change at the snap of the fingers.
Shuli came in and told the guys a story about Yucko. He said that Levy had called Yucko and told him to get into his clown outfit so he could take pictures with his kid. Shuli said that he went into a closet and got his make up on and he just seemed like a miserable human being. Then this couple showed up and asked to take a picture with him and Yucko asked the guy if he was there for the show they were doing. The guy didn't have any idea that they were doing a show and thought that Yucko was just out having dinner.
Yucko came in and told the guys that his suit really does stink and he gets sick of it. He said some days he figured he should have been a pilgrim instead of a clown. The guys asked Yucko about the character and pointed out that he had some very odd colored gloves on today. They goofed on that for a few seconds.
A caller said that Yucko is a racist clown and that's what you have to expect from him when he comes in. He's not sure why people don't get that. He said he liked the way Yucko was today and he appreciates what they've been doing on the show.
Benjy was saying that when Howard is saying that he doesn't like Yucko's N-word comments, he's just putting up that ''comedy fence'' where he's supposed to say that to make it seem like he doesn't like it. He said he's pretty sure he doesn't like the word but he's not that offended by it.
The guys talked about the god Hates Fags people and Daniel Carver who come in and yell out racial slurs and stuff and why that's different than what Yucko does. That led to the guys talking about Michael Richards yelling out the N-word in his comedy routine. Benjy didn't think that it was that big of a deal and it was just a joke but the rest of the guys thought that it was just not funny and there was no joke there. Benjy said that he doesn't think that Richards is a racist guy though.
Jon took some more calls and one guy asked if they think that Howard tries to put a stop to the racist comments immediately if they're in the studio live. Everyone said ''no'' at the same time. Another caller corrected the guys on their saying ''I could care less'' telling them that it's ''I couldn't care less.''
A woman called in and said that she hates when people don't spell check right when they send out an e-mail and that's what she thinks about this grammar thing. She was giving them some suggestions for books to read and use to help them out with the way they speak on the show. Gary said he actually owned the book that this woman was talking about and he just hadn't read it yet.
A caller asked where the guys think that Yucko's talent lies because he wasn't seeing it. Yucko said that he writes jokes, that's where his talent is.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he wanted to talk about the grammar issue. He said that he thinks that Howard is upset about that the same way he's upset about Gary and the way he dresses. He said that he thinks that Gary can hardly speak on the show but Gary cut him off and asked if that's really what he thinks. He was saying that Gary is on the ''hugest'' show and something about ''unprofessionalism'' on the show and things like that. The caller ended up hanging up on them before they could hang up on him.
Gary said that he's started to assemble a wardrobe and he's going to start dressing nicer since Howard has complained about that.
Gary asked Jon if anyone has ever thought about dressing nicer when they came into more money, like Jon Hein. Jon said that he has had people ask him why he doesn't dress nicer but he doesn't feel like he needs to. The guys talked about how some people like to dress nicer when they have more money. They ended up goofing on Ronnie the Limo driver about the clothes he wears.
Gary said that Ralph was goofing on him recently about wearing Oakley sunglasses and when he thought about it, he realized that Ralph takes NFL jerseys and cuts the sleeves off and wears those. He said that he's got no right to tell him not to wear stuff like that.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he's tired of Eric the Midget and they have to stop having him on. Around that time Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and bitch slapped Will for the comments he made about him earlier. Ronnie went off on them about how he never claims that he was an English major or anything like that.
Gary talked about some of the guys who he thinks have the worst grammar on the show. He said that Richard and Sal are pretty bad but Steve Grillo had to be the worst when he was there.
A caller said that Ronnie is the angriest guy he's ever heard. He said that he was barely mentioned earlier and he had to come in and hit someone? He said that he's not the one wearing a sweater with bitch tits. Ronnie said that he doesn't have any tits, bitch tits or man tits.
The caller was also brought up Nicky Barnes and talked about that a little bit. The guys spent a couple of minutes on that. The caller was also saying that he doesn't think that Gary will ever have to worry about finding another job based on the way he dresses. Gary said that there are people that it does matter to. He said that he would probably have to dress nicer for another job.
The caller asked if the guys think that Howard would sign on to do another 5 years. Gary said that his gut is that he wouldn't do another 5 years but he's not sure and it's too early to tell. Ralph said that he doesn't think that Howard would come back and do a show 4 days a week. He may come back and do a couple of hours here and there or something like that.
A woman called in and said that she was up at the studio about a year and a half ago and thought that Ronnie was a ''sharp looking little man'' with the way he dresses. She said that she thinks that he looks good. Ronnie thanked her for that. Ralph said that he looked good today except for the brown and black that he was wearing. Ronnie said that he had charcoal brown, not black.
A caller asked Ralph where he gets off telling Jon Hein to dress nicer when he wears a football jersey. He didn't get that. Ralph said that he doesn't dress to impress, sometimes he likes to wear a football jersey. He said that this guy is stupid and doesn't listen to what he's saying. He told him that he was dumb and went off on him. The caller asked him what he's ever done and Ralph picked up on his Boston accent and goofed on him about that. He said that he could kick this guy's ass in a jersey and a dress.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he had a question about the contract ending and if Howard feels that he should stick around to keep the company going. Gary said that he's not going to think about that at all. The guys all got in their plugs after that and wrapped up the show.
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Howard started off the show talking about how busy their morning was going to be. Leonard Marshall was going to be coming in so Howard could kiss his ass after losing a bet to him. He said that he'll be doing that outside so the fans can see it happen. He said that he's sure that there will be a couple of people out there to watch. He said he's got a shine box to shine Leonard's shoes with too.
Robin said that she's trying to break Howard of this gambling thing that he's doing. He told her that he's done now. He said they'll get to this around 7:30 this morning. He said it's disgusting that he's got to kiss that ass that's probably full of hair.
Howard said he just wanted to get this over with. Tom Chiusano wanted to hold off on it for a few weeks to plan it out better but he doesn't want to wait. He said that if people want to come down and see it, they can come down. He has no desire to set up an event at Madison Square Garden or anything like that. Robin figured she'd stay up there and listen instead of coming down to the street. Howard said she can do that, he knows that she doesn't like the cold.
Howard said he liked the way Jackie was dressed on the show. He spent a minute talking to him about that and mentioned that his wife's friend Gayle, who has a crush on Jackie, thinks that his hair pulled back doesn't look that good.
Howard said he was watching his WWOR show on Saturday night with his wife while they were laying in bed. He said he has to watch it to make sure that they're actually airing the show. He said he was half out of it and his wife started to hyperventilate. He said that he was doing the same thing when they were taping the first few shows but for different reasons. He said that she was very worried about what people were going to think about her appearance on the show. He had to try and calm her down. She realized how hard his job was after going through that.
Howard talked about some of the women that he had on the show and how his wife ended up holding together much better than some of the women he used to date. He said that one of the women used to model and he's not sure what happened with her. He and Robin were talking about some of those women and how they really didn't hold up very well.
Howard said that 20 years is a long time to go without seeing some of those people. He said that's all he was going to say.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who told him he has to get rid of his make up guy, Ralph. Howard said he knows what Ralph was going for with the heavy make up he was using. He said that he doesn't think he was totally wrong with the heavy stuff because he was so washed out looking in that segment. The caller said that his wife asked if Howard had gone on vacation because of that tan he had. Howard said that's true, he did look darker than everyone on the set, even Dee Snider who lives in Florida and is out in the sun every day.
Howard said that Ralph got this make up that goes on easy so he doesn't hurt his neck like he has done in the past. He said he usually dabs it on his Adam's Apple really hard but this new stuff is easier to put on. He said the next thing he knew, he looked like he had a tan. Howard said that he knew he was in trouble when Ralph started to put plates in his lips.
The caller was saying that he's pretty sure that Robin won't be called back into active duty for his new war. He said that she's been out of the service long enough that she doesn't have to worry. Howard and Robin said they're pretty sure of that too.
Howard said he heard that Robin tried to get John Hayes from WNBC to do the show with them. He said that John claims that he didn't fire him but he did have something to do with it. Howard said that you'd think that the guy would just come on and do the show and let bygones be bygones. Robin said that she heard that John was saying that he wished the person luck who was calling him because that person works with Howard.
Howard said that he's a great worker and he doesn't give anyone a problem. He said that he used to deliver great ratings and he'd just come in and do his show and then go home. He said that Hayes used to give him a hard time about the show and he was trying to change it so it sounded more like the rest of the shows on WNBC. He said he'd get into clashes over that but that was about it. He said that he's got Baba Booey working for him and he's screwing up all the time but he doesn't fire him.
Robin said that Hayes was telling them to ask Thornton Bradshaw about the firing but Thornton is dead so they can't ask him about it. Howard said that he's sure that Hayes could have worked with him but all he did was complain about the show all the time. He said that he's a dick. Howard said that he likes how he's going around bad mouthing him even though he knows what he's doing and John doesn't.
Robin said that they were trying to get Kevin Metheney to do the show too but he didn't want to come on either. Howard said that it was very weird having that girl on the show who he had made love to for a couple of weeks. He said that was just very strange because he remembered her as an 18 year old girl. He said it kind of ruined things for him. He said that he did apologize to her but she left and she seemed to be mad or something.
Robin said that she was trying to get him to talk to her about what a louse he had been to her back in college. Howard said that maybe he should call her. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that interview and how she didn't seem to think that he was that much of a louse back then. Howard said that he was though because he was just using her.
Howard asked Gary if he had her number. Gary said he did but she's out on the West Coast so it was only 4:30 in the morning out there.
Robin said that Howard makes her remove the curse words from her news reports and she's not sure why she has to do that. She thinks that if she's reporting on a news story, she should be able to leave that in. Howard said that she's not the one who has to deal with the FCC stuff. He said he's the one that has to take that crap.
Howard took a call from a guy who was saying he was on his car phone. Howard hung up on him and said that he should be concentrating on driving and not talking on his phone. He said those phones are made for emergency use, not to call his show.
Howard took another call from a guy who told them that they should go to a Grateful Dead show when they're in town. Howard didn't want to get into that and hung up on him too.
Howard took another call from a woman who said that they were promoting Judy Tenuta the other day so she went to see her. She said that they asked for drinks at this club and no one knew who their waitress was. She said that it was about an hour into the show and they finally got their orders in. Then the manager came over and they asked him what that was about and he took them outside to talk about it. Howard cut her off and asked her if she knows that there's a war going on and there's mass destruction going on in the world. He said that there's cancer in the world and all kinds of other things that she could be worrying about.
The caller said that they ended up getting thrown out of this club when they complained about the drinks they got when they ordered their two drink minimum. He said that most clubs work like that and you have to get two drinks. Robin said that this woman is trying to blame them for promoting the appearance that Judy Tenuta was making.
Howard said that they have nothing to do with the way those clubs are run but she's trying to blame them for her problems. He said that he thought she was going to complain about Judy's act or something, not about the club and their drinks.
Howard told the woman that he's pretty sure that she has this kind of turmoil going on in her life all the time. She said that she really doesn't. He asked her how old she is and found out she's 23 and had never been married. He told her that she'll probably never get married because she's such an annoying woman. He told her to grow up and hung up on her.
Howard spent a minute talking about what a bunch of nonsense that call was and did an impression of her telling her story. He said that her telling the story was dragged out and she could have gotten it out in two sentences but she just went on and on. Howard said he's not even sure what she wanted him to do about it. He said that he's not sure why people get so upset about the drinks, they can't just sit there and watch a show and get drinks later? He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said he was watching Saturday Night Live the other night after Jackie's show. He asked Jackie if he was upset about his show. Jackie said he was fine with it. That got Howard back into the discussion about the WWOR show and how funny some of the segments were. He said that his parent's segment was very good. He talked about how his father really doesn't talk like he was talking on that show. He said that he's very direct and proper when he's speaking on camera. He said his mother was very good and very natural while telling the stories she had. He said that his dad kept interrupting her and he was the one who should have been interrupted.
Howard said that his dad insists on directing his mother and they do that when they go out to dinner and stuff too. Howard said that his father will go out to dinner and he'll have in mind what he wants to eat before they even go. He told Robin about how he researches his meal ahead of time. He said he becomes this serious guy when they go out and he wasn't like that at home. Robin asked if they have any tape of him being normal at family events and stuff like that. Howard said he might have something like that, he'll have to check.
Robin said that she's seen Howard's father drop a dollar on the floor just so he can get a peek down her blouse. That's the kind of guy he is off the air. Howard said that his mother complains about the direction she gets from Ben all the time.
Howard said he was eating some lentil beans the other day and his mother was telling him that he should be eating them with rice, not with the pasta he was eating. He said that she was directing him on how to eat and doing the same thing with him that his father does with her.
Howard said that his parents put on this serious face when they're on TV and he doesn't get that. He complained about his father correcting his mother when she was telling this story about him that didn't even make it on air. He said that his father is driven nuts when his mother will order a side dish for her main course because they have to explain that to the waiter. He said his father will freak out if they don't order the correct way. He's got this hang up about doing all of that stuff the exact way that he thinks it's supposed to be done. He said that he's the most tense man he's ever met.
Howard said that he'd get all nervous if he didn't order the right way. He said that he'd get his order in and his father would command him to do things the right way. Then his mother would order and do things out of order and ask questions that would make his father shaky. He said his father likes to go out to eat but he thinks that he'd prefer to order for his mother. Howard said that his father likes to yell a lot about that kind of stuff.
Howard read through the commercial he was doing and ended up talking about how he thinks that Jackie's show seems like it's just an extension of his show. Howard said Jackie claims that he has nothing to do with that show, other than hosting it, but he finds that hard to believe. He ended up complaining about WOR and saying that he really doesn't care about the rest of the station, just about his own show.
Howard was trying to read the commercial he had but the phone number area code was wrong. Instead of 201 it was written up as 210. He said they think that he'll have some fun with that stuff when they screw it up but it's just not right.
Jackie told Howard about hanging out with Stuttering John outside of the show. He said that John had said that he didn't think his friend Berf liked him. Jackie told a story about him and it didn't make much sense so Howard went off on him and told him he doesn't want to hear about his friend Berf on the show anymore.
Howard asked about his ass and wondered if it had any herpes or anything on there. Leonard assured him that he was clean and he had nothing to worry about. He joked that he hadn't wiped this morning so he was in for something down there. He said that he actually did go to the bathroom this morning and it was one of those silent but deadly ones.
Howard asked Leonard if he really went to the bathroom this morning. He said that he did but he showered afterward. Howard heard that Leonard has gone endorsement crazy lately. Leonard said he isn't a whore or anything but he is doing some endorsements.
Leonard was telling Howard about this ice cream company that he was going to be working with but the Master Tape Theatre people bleeped it out with some fart sounds. They did the same thing during the commercial read earlier.
Howard and Leonard talked about the ass kissing and the shoe shining that Howard was going to be doing soon. He told Leonard that it's not funny to see a white man shining a black man's shoes. Leonard said it is funny. Howard said that they were going to go out on Madison Avenue so people can see this happen.
Robin told Howard she wants to hear him calling him Mr. Leonard when they're doing this. Howard said that Leonard seems to be happier about this thing than he is with winning the Super Bowl. He talked to him about taking out Joe Montana and what that was like. Howard asked him what he weighs and said that it's got to hurt when a 283 pound guy runs into you out there on the field.
Howard asked Leonard if the rest of the team knows that he has to kiss his ass. Leonard said the whole team knows about it. He's not sure if they're going to be listening though. He said that they should do this around 8:30 today. Leonard said he wasn't going to make him kiss his ass but he does want him to shine his shoes. Howard said that he has to go through with it. Leonard wasn't into having Howard actually kiss his naked ass after all of this build up. He said that he would do it with his pants pulled up though. Howard said that he'll do whatever Leonard wants him to do.
Howard said that's a little weird that he doesn't want to do it. He said that he doesn't welch on a bet and he will go through with whatever Leonard wants to do. He said that he could end up loving it and could want even more.
Leonard said that he tuned in to channel 35 last night and ended up seeing some pretty wild stuff on that channel. Robin told him that's called Channel J. He'd never heard of that before. Howard said that he had to take a break before they get to the ass kissing stuff. They ended up talking more about the Super Bowl win and how great the NY Giants season was.
Howard said that he thinks that they gave Leonard some passion by letting him come on the show. He brought up a commercial that Leonard was doing for some company and they bleeped it out with some more fart sounds. Leonard said that Howard's old friend Jerry Dickowitz had hired him to do some promotion. He said that all came about because he had heard him on Howard's show.
Howard talked to Leonard about his girlfriend and asked if she wears a bikini and stuff like that. He started to whisper to Leonard about how much he likes that she wears a bikini. He told Leonard that he had to go to a break after that.
The commercial that Howard was reading was edited with the fart sounds to block the name of the sponsor that he was talking about. Howard also talked to Leonard about the kind of weight he can lift and found out that he can lift 400 pounds over his head. He said he can squat about 600 pounds. Howard said that if it was slave days... Leonard cut him off and told him not to go there. Howard said that he would have Leonard pulling his carriage if he had him as a slave. He said that if he was doing really well and he had slaves, that's what he would do. He'd even have a car like the Flintstones had where Leonard would be the power. He said that he wouldn't make him work out in the fields either. He said that he'd have him doing other things so he wouldn't screw up his genetics.
Howard said that he'd tie Leonard's penis down to his thigh so he couldn't use it. Leonard said something about getting aroused so Howard told him he had to hit the delay on that. They went to a SIRIUS commercial break after that.
Howard had Robin read through some news before they got out on the street. Robin read a story about Flavor Flav getting into some trouble with the law. She had some clips to play and went over that story. They spent a short time on that subject.
Robin read a story about Hervé Villechaize so Howard ended up talking about how funny Fantasy Island was now that he's gone back and watched some of those old episodes. Robin said that NBC is talking about dumping Johnny Carson and replacing him with Jay Leno. Howard said that he doesn't believe that report for a minute. He said that Carson is like a license to print money. He said that they're probably going to keep Carson around until the day he dies. Robin wasn't so sure about that.
Robin read through some more news stories about the Gulf war and things like that. That led to the guys spending some time talking about the war a bit.
Robin read a story about how radio stations are taking advantage of this war to get ratings. Howard said that she should just call them ''jackasses'' and not radio stations. He also interrupted the news to ask Leonard Marshall some questions. He asked Leonard if he was a big deal in high school. Leonard said he was pretty good back then. Leonard said that he really wanted to play basketball when he was in high school. He was much thinner back then. He had some problems running into people when he'd play though so he ended up moving to football.
Robin went through a couple more stories before Howard said that he had to take another break before going out on the street to kiss Leonard's ass.
After the commercials Howard went to Gary who was out on the street waiting for him to get out there with Leonard. He said they were going to play a couple of songs while they made the trip out to the street. Leonard was looking for some water to drink so Howard told John to get some in there.
Gary was out on the street and said that there were about 100 people down there waiting for them to come down. They were chanting some ''Baba Booey'' for Gary while he was out there.
Robin read through some more news stories before Howard moved on to the ass kissing. She read more about the Gulf war and had Howard playing a song that was written about it. She also had a story about Elvis so Howard did a little bit of his Elvis impression.
After Robin wrapped up her news Howard said he was ready to go down to the street. He told Fred to take care of a few commercials while they headed down to the street. He and Leonard spent a minute talking about what they were going to be doing. He said that he was going to make a speech out there on the street when they got down there.
The crowd started chanting ''kiss his ass!'' over and over again. Howard said he wasn't sure what to do first, shine his shoes or kiss his ass. Robin suggested doing the shoe shining first. Howard said he had a speech to make first. He did that and talked about the Giants winning Super Bowl XXV and how he was going to be planting a kiss on Leonard's ass because of that win. He thanked Abraham Lincoln for freeing the slaves because if he hadn't, he wouldn't be out there making a fool of himself today. Robin thought the speech was ridiculous. Howard said that he thinks this whole thing sucks and wondered whose idea it was.
Howard got down on his knees and Leonard said he was going to stand while he shines his shoes. The crowd was calling Howard a ''shine boy'' while he was doing that. Leonard was patting his head while he was bent over and shining the shoes. Howard shined the shoes and said he thought he was doing a good job. Leonard pointed out that he got polish on his socks though. He said they cost him 30 bucks so he can't be doing that.
Howard said that he was humiliated and had never been so humiliated in his life. He had Leonard bend over after that so he could kiss his ass. Leonard said he was going to do it even after he had second thoughts about it earlier. Howard wondered if he was going to kiss him over his pants or if he was going to pull down his pants. Howard went in for the kiss as the crowd was cheering him on.
After another Master Tape Theatre fast forward Howard was back up in the studio with Leonard. He claimed that he was on his ass for a good five seconds down there. Robin said she wanted to hear the lip smacking but he probably couldn't hear her. Howard said that Gary wasn't working the microphone very well and made him bend over like an old man. Gary said he thought he was leaning over to see Leonard's shoes.
Leonard told Howard he did a good job on the shoes and he could have a job if this radio thing doesn't work out.
Howard went into a commercial after that and the sponsor name was farted out once again. Howard said that they had some coins that they were making as a tribute to the Giants.
Howard said he had to catch his breath after the whole ass kissing thing. He got back to Leonard and said that Tom called him over the weekend and wanted to turn this into something really big but he didn't want to do that. He said that he just wanted to go out on the street and make it happen.
Howard asked if there was a lot of static on the microphones. Robin said there was some once in a while but not the whole time. Howard said that Gary amazes him because he had a good set of headphones while the pair he was wearing were useless. He said that Gary is really no help at all. Robin said that Flo of Flo and Eddie had a great set up when he was living out in a van for a week. they had his equipment working and she's not sure why this wasn't working.
Howard said that there were people throwing money at them out there on the street. Robin told him that tomorrow is Abraham Lincoln's birthday so Howard joked that he curses him for ending slavery. Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Leonard about all of that. They went to break a short time later after Howard wrapped up with Leonard.
Howard took a call from a kid who may have called there accidentally. He asked the kid if they called the wrong number. The kid's mother picked up and said they were calling Z-100 but had the wrong number. She said that they were sending messages to the soldiers out in Iraq. Howard told her that they're a bunch of phonies over there and they'll never deliver the messages. He said that she can trust him, he knows what they're like in the radio business.
Howard ended up talking to the woman about how she's got a little kid and a son old enough to be in the Gulf war. She said that she got divorced and the older kid was from her first marriage. She had him when she was just 21 years old. Howard also told the woman that she should stop smoking. He could tell from her laugh and her husky voice. He told her that she needs to quit so she can be around for her kids.
Howard had Leonard come back in and told him that he's kind of fat. He told the woman to hold on while he talked to him. He said he's afraid that Leonard is going to get too fat if he quits playing ball. Leonard said that won't happen, he'll lose 20-25 pounds when he quits. Howard said he figured out why he didn't pull his pants down. Leonard said it was still nice even though he didn't. Howard let him go after that.
Howard got back to the woman he had on the line. She said that her daughter turned on the radio so she could hear her. Howard found out she's smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day. She was 41 years old and the daughter is 8 and a half years old. Robin said she sounds much younger. The woman said that her daughter is small for her age. They told her it might be from the cigarette smoke. Howard said that her face must be covered in cigarette tar and look like Al Jolson.
Howard told the woman that her son is probably safer in the Gulf than he is there with her smoking. She said that he's in the marines. That led to Howard telling her that he served in Vietnam. Then he said that he had Bob and Ray there who were also in 'Nam. He and Robin then went into their Bob and Ray bit that they do with they put a lot of compression on their voices so they sound really deep.
Howard was playing Bob and Robin was Ray. They told the woman about their time over in Vietnam and asked about her daughters. Howard told her that if she puts her daughter on the phone, they'll pretend to be her brother. They found out that her name was Stephanie and asked the woman to put her back on the phone. Howard tried to pretend he was Patrick but the kid wasn't that gullible. She said that it wasn't Patrick. Howard told her to just play along while they pretended. He asked her what she wanted to say to her brother. She said that they want him to know that she loves him and misses him. Robin, as Ray, told her that she was Patrick and she really appreciated that.
Howard asked Stephanie if her mommy smokes around her all the time. She said she does. She said that she coughs a lot too. Howard asked her what she does when she blows the smoke in her face. She said she doesn't do that to her. Robin told her to tell her mommy to quit smoking. Stephanie told her to quit but told the guys that she still had a cigarette in her hand.
Howard asked Stephanie what radio station is the best. She said that it's Z-100 so they told her that they didn't do anything for her, it was this station that had her talking to her brother. Howard had Fred get on the microphone to pretend to be Patrick but that wasn't going over very well. Jackie tried it too but she didn't fall for that either. She told Jackie that her brother doesn't call her sweetie like he just had.
Howard had Stephanie put her mommy back on the phone because he was getting annoyed. She got back on and Howard told her that her kid is pretty smart not falling for that. He said she should have told them that her brother doesn't call her sweetie. The woman said he calls her ''Mookie'' as in Mookie Wilson. Howard told the woman that Z-100 isn't sending those messages to the soldiers either. He said that they just do that for ratings, to pull at people's heart strings.
The woman's kid was listening to the radio and hopped on the phone a couple of times to get in a couple of comments. She thanked them for saying that she was smart. Howard said that he hopes that she behaves herself while her brother is away. He told her that he hopes that her son is safe over there in the Gulf war.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked what was going on with him so he ended up hanging up on him. He was annoyed by that question.
Howard had the ratings report about Jackie's show and they apparently didn't do all that well. Howard said he wasn't going to read it on the air and embarrass him though. Jackie asked if the Channel 9 people weren't even watching.
Howard said that Jackie's show ruined his show because they had to run that stupid promotional announcement over the end of his show. He told Jackie he thought the part he was on was very good. He didn't say what he thought about the rest of the show though.
Howard read through some of Larry King's newspaper column and goofed on that for a few minutes. He read the column in his Larry King voice. He threw in a few of his own lines as well. Robin said that she didn't think that he had read one of Larry's lines about postage stamps even though he had just done it minutes before. Jackie told her that Howard did say it. Howard wondered why she was spacing out like that because she's not usually like that.
Howard was also asking Fred what happened during that Bob and Ray thing where he kind of spaced out and didn't do anything. Fred said it was weird and he wasn't sure what he was asking for because he was concentrating on something else at the time. As Howard was talking to Fred, he just walked out of the studio as he was talking. Fred came back in a short time later and Howard apologized to him about giving him a hard time like that. He took the blame himself. He said ''how dare I do something spontaneous...''
Howard was going to end the show but Robin had some more news to read. She wanted to talk more about the Flavor Flav story. She read some more of the article about that and a couple of other things. Howard also brought up the Sugar Ray Leonard fight that happened over the weekend. Robin said she was really bummed out about that loss and she hated to see it. Howard asked her if she felt better after watching Jackie's show because it was such a bomb. She said she actually watched that first, so no, it didn't make her feel better. Howard wrapped up the show a short time later, around 9:50am (Master Tape Theatre time).