Howard started off the show asking if everyone had a good weekend. Everyone said they did so Howard asked if anyone did heroin over the weekend. Artie said he's not falling for his tricks and joked around about that.
Howard moved on to take a phone call from Wolf who said he'd like to cut through the bullshit and measure Ronnie to find out just how tall he is. He thinks they should compare that to his driver's license to see if he does lie about his height. Howard said Gary actually had a measuring tape there to do just that. The guys talked about how they tower over Ronnie even though he claims to be 5'8'' tall. Artie said he's 5'9'' and he towers over Ronnie.
Ronnie came in and asked what this was. Howard told him to take off his shoes so they could do this. Ronnie said this is horse shit and he's not doing it. Howard and Robin said ''Ohhhhhh'' when he said that. Ronnie didn't want to do it but Gary had come in with the measuring tape so Ronnie took off his shoes. When he did that Howard said he dropped about an inch.
Gary measured Ronnie and came up with 5'7 1/2'' tall. He's not quite 5'8'' but not far off. Gary said he really needs one of those things from the doctor's office to get the exact top of his head because the tape was over the top of his hair.
Ronnie started yelling at Howard about the way they bust his balls over this stuff. He was yelling about them making him take his shoes off. Howard asked him if those are lifts in there. Ronnie sarcastically said that they were.
Wolf asked if Ronnie sits on a phone book in his limo. Once again Ronnie gave him a sarcastic answer of ''yeah, I sit on a phone book.'' Howard then played a new prank call that the guys made using clips of Ronnie talking about being Scoresman and getting a tattoo. They called this tattoo shop and played the clips of him talking about that and getting the guy on the phone pissed off at him.
Howard said that Ronnie really comes off as being angry. He said he's got a lot of anger and road rage in him. Ronnie said he's not angry but then gave more of his sarcastic answers saying that he's angry because he's short. Howard tried to get to the bottom of it and tried digging into his history to find out what's wrong with him. Ronnie said that his shrink tells him that he's crazy.
Howard said he always thought that Ronnie was much taller than he is. Ronnie said he never claimed to be tall. Gary said he never admitted he was short either. He's probably below average. Wolf asked him if his parents were Keebler elves or Smurfs. Ronnie said they were actually leprechauns. Artie said that the funny thing is that 90 percent of the jokes at his roast were short jokes.
Ronnie went off on Artie about his shit and said he doesn't even talk to him anymore. He told him to leave him alone. Howard wrapped up with Ronnie and said he could leave. Artie asked Howard if he never noticed the jokes about him being so short that you can see his feet in his driver's license picture. Howard said he knew they joked about it but didn't think he was that short.
Howard said that there's an article in the paper today about a family that was thrown in jail over in Iran over some stuff they said about the President. Howard suggested that they take this guy, arrest him, and put him on trial for all of this stuff he's being accused of. They're trying to put an end to this country and having him speak at Columbia University is ridiculous.
Howard said that it's probably not right for the guy to speak there but maybe it's okay to have him here for the United Nations thing. He said the guy looks like a rat and maybe he should think about shaving that thing.
Wolf was still asking about a prank call that he wanted to hear but Fred wasn't able to find it yet. He and Artie spent some time talking about sports while Fred tried to find that. They talked football and about the stuff that was going on over the weekend.
Gary came in and told Howard about some of the stuff that went on with the Washington Redskins. They had a lot of details about that and about the odd uniforms that the Redskins were wearing. They also went through some baseball news.
Howard said he had the prank call that Wolf wanted to hear. He went right into that a short time later. It was a call where Richard doubled up his voice and called a woman about some stuff she had for sale. He had her very confused with his repeating and talking over himself.
Artie wondered how he does that with the doubling up. Howard said he thinks that Richard wants to keep that a trade secret but he was kind of wondering how he knows what she's going to ask. Richard came in and said he recorded every possible answer to any question. Richard said it was weird to do that call because he could hear himself saying that stuff as he was talking. Robin said that he is a drummer so he is able to multi-task.
Richard said that he kind of learned the rub your stomach and pat your head thing at an early age. Howard said he was playing guitar over the weekend. He thought he could impress Beth with it but she got annoyed and asked him to stop playing. He said he was singing about her titties and licking her asshole so she told him to stop.
Howard said he wrote a song about Beth and then started singing ''Titty Woman'' to the tune of ''Pretty Woman.'' Howard didn't have too many lyrics so Richard and Fred threw in some lyrics for him to use. It seemed like they were on their way to creating a song parody but Howard gave up and went to some phone calls.
The caller said that she wants to get on the Subutex that Artie is on and wondered if he's going to have all kinds of withdrawal from that. Artie said that he's not taking it every day now but it can save you from the withdrawals from the heroin. He said you have to do it under the care of a doctor. He said that Subutex doesn't get you high, it just gets you back into a normal life. He was talking to Howard and Howard noticed something going on with his eye. He thought that might be his ''tell'' for when he's lying. That led to Artie talking about how he'd like to make a movie about a guy who violently shits himself when he plays poker and gets a good hand.
Artie talked about how he got on the Subutex and how he had to take quite a bit of the stuff to get off the heroin. He said that the doctor gave him a big dosage to keep him normal while he was doing his movie because he was such a mess. Artie said that he's not addicted to the Subutex anymore but it can block the high of heroin. He said that he still brings the stuff with him when he goes out on the road, just in case. He said that the stuff is really expensive too.
The woman on the phone said she has a problem herself so Artie gave her some advice and said that she will go through withdrawals if she goes off this stuff in the first few months. Artie said he can take an 8 milligram pill and it blocks the high for 2 days. That way it keeps the temptation away.
The woman on the phone said she heard that if you do take the Subutex and then do the heroin, then you will go through withdrawals. Artie said that some people O.D. when they take the Subutex because they take more and more Heroin trying to get high. You never get the high so they just take it until they die. Artie said he's not getting the high from the Subutex anymore either.
Another caller said that he's surprised that Howard and Chevy Chase patched things up so quick last week. Howard said it wasn't quick, it took over 20 years to make up. He didn't want to go through the whole story again though. The caller also asked about his relationship with Steve Martin. Howard said he really likes the guy and his new book (Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life) is really interesting. He said he feels funny asking the guy to do the show though. He said he would never ask him or his other friends, like Billy Joel, to do the show. He said if they want to do the show, they'd ask. Robin said that maybe they think that he doesn't want them on the show and they're waiting for him to ask. Howard said he doesn't know about that, but he's not going to ask. The caller asked if he could get on the show by drinking Richard's puke.
Howard said he had a really long conversation with Steve Martin a few weeks ago. He said he didn't know him all that well, they just went to dinner one night and didn't see each other after that. Howard said he talked to Steve about his recent marriage and how they kept it secret. He said he thought that was very interesting.
Artie said he was always into those Steve Martin movies from years ago. He also mentioned that they have the E Street Band channel coming back to SIRIUS soon.
The caller asked Howard if he could replay some of the Evil Dave stuff they played last week. Howard found the clips and played the Evil Dave call to Riley Martin. The caller got some laughs out of that. Howard let him go after that and then took another call.
The next caller asked Howard if he was out of his mind for suggesting that they extend the war in the Middle East. Howard said he never said that and just suggested that they arrest the Iranian president when he comes to this country. Howard and the caller went back and forth arguing for a short time. Howard said that we are at war in Iraq. He asked the guy who is directly selling weapons to Iraq and pointed out that it's Iran. The caller argued that those reports aren't correct.
Howard said that if they are supplying weapons to Iraq, then this guy should be arrested. The caller said that we are supporting some things over there in the Middle East that we shouldn't be supporting so there are people who are going to fight us over it.
Howard said that the military is saying that some of those weapons being used over there are coming from Iran. Those reports are coming from the Military, not from the administration like the caller was claiming. Howard said he couldn't go through this stuff with him anymore and had to get out of the conversation. Howard said that we shouldn't let this guy Ahmadinejad come to this country. We should be just as hostile toward them as they would be to us.
Howard hung up on the caller took another call from a guy who said that this is an amazing thing for the students from Columbia. They get to question this guy. Howard said that they're not going anywhere though. They're not going to change anything with this guy. They're going to honor the guy by giving the guy a welcome and a dressing room. He's going to have a big day there at the school and he'll be coddled with tons of security around him. The audience will probably be people like Tom from Phoenix telling him that we're in the middle of an illegal war and crap like that. The guy will see that and figure he can attack this country no problem because we're all a bunch of pussies.
Howard said that the thing we should do is scare the shit out of him by showing our military power. He said we should have a bunch of big dummies holding up statues of him and burning them like they do with our president over in their country. We're being looked at as a bunch of pussies. He said that this guy is going to get treated like a nice guy when he's really a war criminal. Howard said he's not calling for us to go into Iran and depose the government. Howard said that anyone who criticizes this guy in his own country gets put in jail.
Howard said the weird thing that goes on with the web site. He said they don't weight the issue of the Iraq war higher than the other issues. He said that war is something that means a lot to him. Gary said that Howard wouldn't go with Kucinich because of some of the stuff that he's against, like the satellite radio merger. Howard said that's right, he wouldn't be able to vote for him because of that.
Howard was going to give out the web site but the URL was too long. He wanted something short so Gary tried to look it up. He said that was kind of an eye opener for him even if he wouldn't vote for that guy. He said that he'll get that web site for everyone.
Artie said Dane does attract huge crowds. Howard said that he doesn't know that much about his comedy but he has seen a couple of things he's done and they were pretty funny. He said that he saw a picture where Dane took a picture and had his dog's ass facing the camera. Artie said that Dane has been around a long time and he's figured out a way to network himself over the internet.
Howard played some of the Dane Cook stuff that Artie was talking about. Artie said he hopes there's video of this. Gary said that there is a video of him performing the song on stage. It's a YouTube video of him doing his stand up routine. It turns out it was something a fan made. That led to Howard going off on YouTube because he just read that they got upset when a company wanted to create a JewTube web site and they said that it was an infringement on their copyright. Howard said that's funny because they let people post copyrighted material on their web site. He said that he should create a web site called YooToob and just rip them off since they let people rip him off.
Howard said this Dane Cook stuff sounds like Coldplay or something like that. Artie said it sounds like he can kind of sing. Robin said that may be but why would he do it?
High Pitch Eric called in and suggested that they send out the Howard TV cameras to see what he does while he works. Howard said that might be a good idea and said he'd talk to the guys about it. Eric thanked him for that and told Howard he loves him. That led to Howard saying that the top 5 shows on Howard TV are the 9/11 show, Eric the Midget returns, Date Jackie's Wife, Hamptons show with Ralph and then the Abby vs. Eve Queef Off show. He mentioned a few of the other things that are up there as well before he went to break.
Howard went on to talk about an album that's out where some 80s hair bands remade some songs. He said that Bruce Dickinson remade ''All The Young Dudes'' and he was kind of fascinated by that. He said that one of the guys from L.A. Guns remade ''Hurdy Gurdy Man'' too. He played ''All the Young Dudes'' and said that it sounded pretty good to him. He also played the ''Hurdy Gurdy Man'' which he said was also pretty good but not like the version he and The Losers did. Of course he played that version after playing the album version. Howard said he would have given them permission to use that on the album if they had asked.
Howard said that he's even better than the guys from L.A. Guns. Richard said that it sounded like they rehearsed that song a lot. Artie said that the rehearsals were insane and he almost didn't make it through them. Howard said that they do get a little carried away with that stuff. Richard said he was in the Homo Cop remake rehearsal and Howard almost killed Sal over that.
Howard said that Dee Snider recorded ''The Wanderer'' and it sounded pretty good. He said you have to stick with it because it starts out a little slow. He played the song and it does start out slow, but then picks up. Howard said it sounded good to him. Robin said that part was good, once he picked up the pace.
Howard read through the list of other songs on the album and played a couple of quick cuts from it. He played Rob Zombie's cover of ''I'm your Boogie man'' and a couple of other ones. He said there were 19 tracks on this album. Richard told Howard some of the tracks he should check out so he went through some of those. Artie talked about some of the bands and their effect on some of the kids in school when he was in high school. He talked about some kids who had a keg out on the beach and kept it hidden with a poster of the Iron Maiden ''Eddie'' character and when the cops showed up, they told the cops that they weren't drinking, it was Eddie who was drinking. He said he'd love to know what happened to those kids.
Howard and Robin ended up talking about sex after Howard mentioned a story he read about people in Egypt who cut off women's clitorises. They were talking about rubbing clits and things like that.
Howard asked Scott what he'd do to play this game. Scott said the game isn't out until midnight tonight. The guys noticed his hands shaking so Howard asked what was up with that. Scott said they always shake. He said that it's some central nervous shake or something like that.
Howard asked Scott what he'd be willing to do for this game. Scott wasn't up for anything, he said that he can get it tomorrow. One of the guys from the office, Kevin, came in and said that he'd do something fucked up to get the game. He said he'd be willing to let Richard tea bag him. Richard asked Scott if he'd let him put his balls on his head for the game. Scott said he'd do that for $10,000.
Kevin said that he's not going to take a nut sack in his mouth for a $60 video game. Sal came in and said that he has something new called a nostril pouch where he puts his penis pouch over the guy's nose. Howard said he wasn't really up for any kind of insertion. Sal said that he was just going to put it over his nose, not in his nose.
Sal and Richard were also talking about flogging Kevin's face with their cocks. Sal wanted to take his whole foreskin and stretch it over his ear. Scott was ready to go back to directing the show but Howard asked him if he'd be willing to do any of these things that the guys were suggesting. Scott was not interested at all. Howard wanted to give that game to Scott but they had to come up with something crazy for him to do. Scott said he had to think but nothing came up.
Howard threw one more thing at Scott. He said that he'd have to agree to vote for Barack Obama to get the game. Scott said that would ruin the country. Like that isn't happening already. Scott said he can't go there and throw his vote to someone like that for a video game. Richard suggested that they draw a penis and balls on his bald head. Scott wasn't up for that either. He wasn't willing to do anything they threw out to him. They wanted to draw and write stuff on his bald head but he refused.
Scott said he'd be willing to stop talking about politics for a month for the game. Howard wasn't interested in that. Scott told Kevin to take the offer and take the cocks on his face. Howard suggested they draw the cock and balls on his forehead. Kevin was fine with that. Sal suggested they write ''Scott DePace sucks cock'' on Kevin's face. Howard told the guys to draw a big cock on Kevin's face but Richard said it would be cooler if Howard drew it.
Howard had Kevin come over and started drawing the cock on his forehead. He had it dripping cum on his face and stuff like that. The guys said it was impressive. Howard thought up something to write on his forehead along with the cock. Howard said he kind of liked just having the cock and balls there but then said maybe ''I Hate Snatch'' would work. They were running out of room on his face so he had to go to the side of his head.
Sal suggested they write ''Insert Cock Here'' over his mouth. Howard had him write it since he suggested it. He went right ahead and did it. Kevin said he has to work there until 7 o'clock tonight. Sal told him he'd give him a gun to blow his brains out with.
Howard and the guys were laughing their asses off looking at the stuff he had written on him. He was breaking out in hives or something on his right side. The guys said that maybe he's allergic to the Sharpie pen that they used to write on him. Howard gave him a copy of the game and gave a plug for the game which comes out tomorrow. Howard sent Kevin on his way after that.
Howard played another song about Robin that a fan sent in. The song was ''Black Coony Woman.'' That was done by the same guy who did the System of a Down Baba Booey song according to Richard. There was another one called ''Proud Booey'' about Baba Booey of course.
Howard said he had another one where this guy belches his song. He played that one and then talked about the ''Big Black Titties'' song parody that he played last week. He said he was walking around singing that one and Beth asked him what it was. He played that one and said he finally got it out of his head until he heard a replay of the show.
Artie said that there are some songs you don't want to sing while you're out in public. He said he almost sang the ''The House Next Door Has Been Sold To nig*ers'' while he was out on the street. Howard played that song a short time later.
Howard played a porn clip that the guys pulled for him. It was a clip that JD had found according to Richard. Howard took a call from a guy who suggested they send Kevin down to the gay channel, Out Q, to see what they do. Howard said they should send him to the Catholic Channel or something. Howard said that might be the thing to do. He made up a conversation that might go on with them over there.
Howard was able to follow them down there with the camera but Kevin was waiting to go in there. Howard kept telling him to just walk in. Gary had to bring Kevin back because they wouldn't let him in. Howard said that the conversation was boring, it may have livened things up.
Gary told Howard that he got the big hand and they said they were talking about something very serious over there and didn't want to let them come in. Howard said he should have just pushed him in there. He put the feed back up and listened to this ''serious'' conversation. It didn't sound all that serious though.
Howard goofed on Gary about his wart and Gary told Howard that it was completely gone now and showed it to him. Howard said he was right and it was gone. He thought for sure that it wasn't going to go away.
Gary wanted to send Kevin back down there but Howard said that it was too late to do it, it was ruined already. He blamed it on Gary because Gary inserted himself into the whole thing. Gary blamed Doug Goodstein from Howard TV for sending him down there with him. Howard said he just told Kevin to go down there. He said he was running late so he had to get moving.
Howard moved on to this next segment where he was going to have in some porn guys to judge a woman who wants to get into porn. He had Max Hardcore, Mike Sullivan and Jim Powers there to be the judges. He said hello to them and said that they all direct and make pornos. Robin knew the Max Hardcore name a lot lately.
Howard said that this woman Dixie Lee was going to come in and audition for the guys. He asked Max about the kind of stuff that he's done. He's done over 1500 scenes in the past 15 years. He does some pretty extreme stuff so Howard asked what that is. Max said he's done some fist fucking and stuff like that. He said he made some good money doing that but not Howard-type money. Howard read that he's facing some federal charges over what he's done in his movies. Max told Howard about some of the films that they say went over the line.
Max talked about how the government is trying to take his home and take down his web site too. He said he's worked had on this stuff and that's what's happening to him. Artie wondered what could be that offensive that they'd take legal action on a guy like that. Howard said if they're consenting adults, there shouldn't be a problem.
Howard read that Max does scenes where he pees in women's mouths and he does that in just about every film. Howard made him spit his gum out because he sounded like a cow in there. Max went on talking about how they've already found him guilty basically, because he had to ask permission to come on the show. Howard said that Sal likes this Max Hardcore guy and he's his favorite.
Howard moved on to Mike Sullivan who has worked in a lot of porn films himself. He said he has a bunch of web sites like MeatHole.com and a couple of others. Howard spent a minute with him and then moved on to Jim Powers who has been in a bunch of movies as well. He went through some of the stuff that he's done in his porn career. Howard played some clips from his movies too. He had one clip where they were face fuckin' a woman and Jim was berating the woman through the scene. There's one clip where a woman complains about getting cut inside while having something done to her. Howard played a clip from Gag Factor 13 and a woman quits the shoot because of what they had her doing.
Howard talked to the guys about how they find these chicks and went through how they come up with these crazy things they do with the chicks. Howard took some calls too. One guy said that he thought that in one movie, the girl looked like she was crying during a scene like she didn't want to do it. The guys said that they don't force these girls to do this stuff. They talked about some of the stuff that women have gotten used to these days and the girls aren't gagging as much as they used to do years ago. They must be starting out giving oral really early on in school.
Howard moved on to bring this woman Dixie Lee in to get evaluated. He said that she asked to come in and said that she's willing to do just about anything to get into porn. She had called in and talked to Howard about all of that.
Dixie came in and told Howard that she used to look at her Dad's porn collection. She said that she's be willing to be gang raped in a movie, that's a fantasy of hers. She said that three guys would be good for her. She said that she doesn't think she could take all three at once though. She said she can't take being peed on either. She won't drink urine but she is willing to have sex with a horse. She said that she's had a dog lick her down there before. The guys told her that's illegal but fun to watch. She said that she had her dog lick off some peanut butter from her down there. She said that it wasn't about having her dog do that, it was more about feeling what it might be like if a guy did it. That happened when she was 12 years old.
Dixie said she might pleasure a horse with her mouth or maybe her hand. She didn't sound all that into it though. She said that she won't do a black guy. When she said that Artie started to laugh his ass off. She'll let a dog lick peanut butter off her pussy but won't have sex with a black guy.
Howard said that the guys needed to see Dixie naked so he asked her to do it. She said that she won't get completely naked but she would take her top off. The guys said that if she won't get naked completely, she should just leave. She said she'd do it for a movie, but not in there.
Dixie stripped down and wasn't covered in tattoos so the guys liked that. Her boobs were small but perky. They liked those. Howard asked if the dress was going to come off. She said maybe so Howard asked her to take it off. She did that and then Howard asked the guys what they thought. They said that she was cute. Max said he thought she was too fat and she needs to work out. He told her she needs to work out and lose a few pounds. He said she's not even fit to pee on.
Howard said that she was a little bit heavy. Mike said that he'd hire her though. Howard then said he wanted to take them through a scene. He was going to play the part of a teacher who was going to flunk her for not singing a song with his penis in her mouth. He had the guys give her a dildo so she could stick that in her mouth as she sang. He then acted out the scene with her. He played the part of the teacher and went through the scene. He had her singing with the dildo in her mouth by the end of it.
Howard asked the guys if she'd be able to do some scenes. She thinks that she'd be able to do it but Max said he wouldn't waste his time on her. Howard said that two of the guys would hire her, one wouldn't bother. The guys asked her to strip all the way down but she still had her lower parts covered. Robin figured it was because she was on the rag. She was right.
Howard had the guys bring in this girl Layla that was out in the green room. She's a porn actress who doesn't know the word ''no'' according to one of the guys. She came in and whipped her dress off in no time. Howard had her put the dildo in her mouth and sing Row Row Row Your Boat to the guys. She did that and gagged on it as she was going. Howard told Dixie that's what she has to do. She needs to come into the room and just take over. She doesn't mind any of the stuff that she does. She said it's all just part of the job, that's what she gets paid for.
Howard did a scene with Layla and had her treating him like crap and then gagging on the dildo again. He was playing the part of a Gamorrean Guard as she was berating him. A short time later the girls were making out and the guys were directing them on what to do. Artie said that what turns him on is that Dixie is a filthy racist.
Howard gave the guys some plugs for their web sites:
Howard said he got all giddy like a school girl last night when he saw Gary Kasparov on 60 Minutes. He and Robin talked about the interview for a short time. Howard said that Kasparov is speaking out against Putin and that's a brave thing to do these days since it seems like people who do that just kind of disappear.
Howard said he watched Kelsey Grammer's new TV show and it was actually pretty funny. He explained what the show was about and said he's not a big sitcom fan but that show had some good laughs in it.
Howard said goodbye to Marcel Marceau by having Fred play some of his appearances on shows over the years. They were just music clips with no voices. Howard said he found out that he was a French Jew whose father was killed in Auschwitz. They spent a minute on that before Howard moved on.
A caller asked Howard what he's going to do if he knocks up Beth. Howard said ''here we go again...'' and said that he doesn't think he's going to have another kid. The guy said that Howard is marrying a 35 year old supermodel and he's an older rich man. The guy asked if all four kids would have the same inheritance if he did get Beth pregnant. Howard said of course they would. He said if you love your kids, you treat them equally when you write up your will.
Howard let the caller go and said that he wouldn't treat this kid any better or worse than his other 3 kids. Artie asked Howard if anyone he works with is in his will. Robin asked him why he brought that up because that's going to start something. Howard said he can't answer that. He said that he's changed his will just about every year and he has had them in and out of his will. He said that he had Robin and Fred in the will at one point. He said that it changes every year though. Lawyers will tell him to take them out and that it was an insult so he'd take them out. He said he's really not sure if they're in there at this point.
Artie said he thought that was a cop out and he would know if they're in there or not. Howard said he'd have to go back and check to see if they're in there. He said that the will specifically say that Benjy gets nothing.
Howard told Robin that she should leave all of her money to him. She said that he doesn't need her money though. Howard said he'd do something good with the money and put it into a charity. Robin said she's going to outlive Howard so he's not getting her money.
Howard said that years ago he and his wife tried to figure out who to leave their kids to if they died. He said that they weren't able to figure out who the leave them to. They couldn't think of anyone. Gary said that Christopher Reeve and his wife left their son to a neighbor which was probably a good way to keep the kid rooted in the same place.
Artie said his focus will be on being more chipper in the mornings. Howard told him that he should list his weight at the time of the stories he writes. Robin said she saw him in Beer League the other night and he looked so much thinner. Artie thanked Howard for all of the stuff that he's done for him because this was all thanks to him.
Steve said that Artie's assistant Teddy got a raise and a promotion to road manager. Howard thought he was trying to get rid of that guy and now he finds out he's gotten a raise. They spent a minute on that but then Howard said that he heard that Steve met Max Hardcore and got some of his movies. Steve said he got his card but he didn't keep the movies he got. They gave those to someone else. Steve said that he doesn't have time to watch porn. He watches Dora the Explorer with his kids when he has time. He said he's boring and reads The Economist instead of doing that stuff.
Howard asked Steve if it's true that he has a huge wiener. He heard that from someone and the guys assumed it was Benjy who said it. Howard asked Steve about the porno thing and Steve insists he just doesn't have the time to do it. Howard figured he was just embarrassed by it but Steve said he's really not. He just doesn't do it.
Howard said that he heard that Steve was big down there from an ex-girlfriend. Richard Christy came in and said that he knows Steve won't show it on the air but wondered if he'd let him feel it through his pants. Steve said that Sal would be jealous. Richard was serious, he wanted to feel his penis through his pants. That wasn't going to happen though.
Shuli came in and said that there are two things that Steve refuses to talk about, his huge cock and being from Canada. Steve said this was going to bring the show to a grinding halt. He said he left Canada 25 years ago and that was it. He didn't like it up there so he left. That's all there was to it.
Howard asked Steve what size penis is normal to him. Steve said that he wouldn't know and couldn't answer. Artie said he heard that Shuli has a big dick too. Shuli said that a Joey Boots said something about it one time when they were out at a strip club. He said that he's about 7 or 8 inches, he wasn't quite sure.
Howard had Steve finish up his Howard 100 News preview. Steve said that they spoke to Gary Garver about the OJ Simpson stuff that's going on. They've also heard that Howard is going to sit down for a 2 hour interview about the upcoming History of Howard Stern special that's coming up this December. Steve said that they have more on Benjy and his many layers. They have some student newspaper stories from Penn State about Benjy where he did some wild things. The articles range from 1987 to 1994 so he may have been in college for many years.
Howard was going to get into it with Benjy but decided against it when he said it's like death to talk to him. Howard had Jon Hein run through his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll be talking about the porn guys, Dixie Lee, Layla and Howard's improvised scenes with the girls. Howard wrapped up with Jon a short time later and had Robin get into her news.
Robin went through some more news stories and the guys ended up talking about OJ Simpson for a few minutes. That came up after they played a clip from the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson where James Woods told a story about OJ Simpson.
Robin did a story about how people are influenced a lot by people like Oprah Winfrey when it comes to voting for people. Howard said he can see how that is because he didn't think that much about this new Jersey governor Corzine until he met the guy. He thought the guy was a great guy after meeting him and now he goes around telling people just how much he likes him. It's all about getting the word out there and Oprah is one of those people who can do that.
Robin read through a few more stories and wrapped up her news. Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
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Howard started off the show saying that Artie is missing. He called an intern this morning and said that he had a fever. Robin said she thought she saw him this morning but she turned out to be wrong. Howard said that was Fred sitting in there, not Artie. The guys wondered what was going on with Artie and Fred coughed out ''Heroin'' under his breath.
Howard said that they have Jamie Foxx and Nikki Sixx from Motley Crue coming in today. He spent a minute on that and then farted. He said he was very gassy this morning after going out to eat with his daughter last night. He went out to Josie's restaurant and had a lot of broccoli to eat. He said he may have had too big of a portion. He said he has to eat something because when he stands up he gets dizzy. Robin told him something is wrong with him because he farts a lot after eating. She said that vegetables shouldn't do that to him.
Howard said he went home last night and Beth asked to see his penis. He showed it to her but she told him it looked kind of small. He said he masturbated in front of her once and she liked it. He said he'd like to do that in front of Robin but she's not interested in that.
Howard asked the guys if they've ever done that in front of their women. Fred said he hadn't so Howard asked Benjy some questions. He was talking to him about his girlfriend but then got a note from Will saying that he had broken up with his girlfriend. Howard asked Benjy why he didn't mention that. Benjy said that he didn't want to talk about it on the air.
Benjy did talk about his break up a little bit but wasn't all that revealing about the break up. He said that they have a lot in common and they're still real close. He said they're just friends now. He said that's been over the past year or so. Howard said he's amazed that any girl would want to have sex with him.
The guys were kind of surprised that he didn't tell anyone about this break up. Benjy said that they were still going out at the time of Howard's engagement party but Howard got a note that said they were already broken up. Howard thought that was really odd not to tell them about this and not give a straight answer.
Howard said he just can't talk to Benjy, he's very hard to talk to. He said he can't give a straight answer and he's looking to put him on or something. Benjy said that's not what he's doing. A phone caller told Howard to cut his microphone off. Howard said he was right and almost did that. He went off on Benjy and told him to just give a straight answer when he asks. He said he could see his mind going and looking for some shticky answer. Benjy denied doing that but Howard wasn't convinced.
Howard said he really liked Benjy's girlfriend Sheila. He said that they should have her sit in sometime instead of Benjy. Howard said it's harder to get an answer out of Benjy than it is to get one out of Fred.
A phone caller asked Howard if he saw Heroes last night. Howard missed it and wasn't sure if he even got it on his TiVo. He said he'll get a copy somewhere. He said he remembered to record The Bachelor though. He also talked about Dancing with the Stars. He said that he didn't think this season was going to be so good but he's liking it. He talked about Josie Maran and Jenni Garth who are on this season. He said that the one chick not worth watching is Marie Osmond. He talked about how hot Josie is even though she can't dance. Robin said she was busy watching Prison Break last night. Howard said he can't get into that show but Robin said he loves watching those guys.
Howard and the guys talked about some of the other people on Dancing with the Stars. Wayne Newton is looking really pulled back in the face according to Howard. He said he looks so pulled back that they probably wanted him to dance as a woman.
Howard said he watched some Howard TV last night and enjoyed seeing the Rocklahoma episode with Richard and Jim Florentine. Howard said Beth was telling him how hot Jim was looking in that episode. That led to Robin talking about Jim a little bit. Howard asked her if she's gone out with him yet and why she's not talking about that stuff. Robin said that she didn't know what he was doing when he was out dating so she's not talking.
A caller told Howard he was right about Jenni Garth and how hot she was looking. They spent a short time on that before Howard talked about how he's not watching that much TV anymore. He said he spends a lot of time playing chess. He said he's always checking in to see if anyone good is on so he can watch. He said he took a lesson yesterday.
Robin said she hates talking to people and that's what the web is all about. Howard seems to be enjoying it though. Robin said she's surprised at how long he's stuck with that hobby since he usually gets out of stuff like that pretty quick.
Howard said Beth suggested that they get married in December but he was against that. Robin said she had a dream that Howard had a destination wedding and got married somewhere else. She said she thought that was kind of bizarre that she was dreaming that. Howard said he really doesn't want to do that. Robin said even she thought that would be kind of gay.
Gary said that he heard they're shooting ''Sex and the City'' out there. Howard said that Benjy should go out there and fuck with them. He said he's pretty sure they're going to screw that movie up when they make it. He said that it should really be where they fast forward to the women's relationships. He said it should be a little bit dirtier and they should show some titty and some more hard core stuff. He said that titty is very important for his movie.
Robin thinks that they shouldn't make this movie at all because it could ruin the whole series. Howard said he's all for a movie about any TV show that he watches.
Howard said that George Clooney got into a motorcycle accident recently and he's not sure why a guy like that would do that. He said that riding motorcycles should be for guys who have nothing to lose, like Fred. Howard said that George had a woman, Sarah Larson, on the bike with him when he crashed and she broke her foot doing that. They talked about how hot the woman was.
Howard brought up Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and talked about his speech at Columbia University. He said that they're looking at the whole thing as a freedom of speech thing but he thinks that they shouldn't have had him speaking there just because the guy is from a country that is so against us. He said it's very strange because we're at war right now and this guy is from a country where they kill homosexuals, cover women's faces up and things like that. He said this guy is a maniac.
Howard and Robin talked about how offensive the whole speech was at Columbia. Robin said that they gave him the freedom to speak but also bad mouthed the guy before he went up and did his speech.
Howard said that this Facebook web site is huge and there are a lot of young guys making a fortune on these web sites. He said that the value of the web site is 10 billion. He's never been on there himself. Robin said she's never been on but she knows that all of the kids are on there.
Howard said that Gary and Jon Hein seem to be happily married. Ralph said that Gary is so happy in his marriage that he's always breaking out with warts and toe fungus and stuff like that. Gary said that has nothing to do with being married. He said that people get warts all the time. Howard joked that Gary has leprosy now too.
Gary asked Ralph about the last serious relationship he had. They talked about a couple of women that Ralph went out with for about a year or so. He's never really had a really long relationship though. Howard said Ralph can't stand being with people. Gary said that means that Ralph has no idea what a relationship is all about. He said he shouldn't be talking about stuff like that if he's never had one himself. Ralph said he just can't stand to be with just one person, except himself.
Ralph said he was watching the President of Iran and he was talking about how they have no homosexuals in his country. Howard said that's because they kill them all there. Ralph said the guy was joking around and having fun talking to the students at Columbia about that. Howard got all worked up about that and went off on the guy. He said that the guy is an asshole and talked about some of the other nonsense he was talking about during his speech. He was denying the holocaust and stuff like that. Howard
Howard and Ralph spent a few minutes going back and forth about that subject. Ralph said he didn't know much about the guy and he kind of exposed himself during that speech. Howard said there was no reason to honor him by letting him make the speech though. Howard said there were a bunch of people applauding him when he was talking about President Bush being a shit. He was trying to wrap up with Ralph but Ralph had some other things to go over.
Ralph said that last week they had the Jesus Twins on Master Tape Theatre and that was great. He said that they wanted Howard to stop the presses and put their song on the album. They even turned down some offers from some music companies. He said that they would have made for a great reality show. Howard thanked Ralph for all of that and then let him go.
Howard had some audio from President Ahmadinejad where he was talking about not having homosexuals in his country. The guy had an interpreter who filled everyone in on what he was saying. He played that quickly and then said he had to take a break.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Mike from Howard 100 News who wanted to talk more about this Columbia speech. He said that Howard lets the people from God Hates Fags come on the show so that's not much different than what President Ahmadinejad is doing. He also said that our President is repressing homosexuals in this country and that's almost the same thing that they're doing in Iran. Howard said that we're not killing our homosexuals though. It's a lot different.
Mike was comparing the two presidents so Howard said that they shouldn't have Bush at Columbia either. He said that this Iranian President was being honored at this Columbia and that's just not right. Howard and Mike spent a couple of minutes on that but Howard said he didn't want to talk about this guy anymore and he had to take a break anyway. He went to commercial a short time later.
Howard had the guys bring Jamie in and he asked Robin if she'd do him. She said wasn't really answering though. Howard asked Jamie if this is the first time he's been up there. Jamie said that it is but only because he's out in California. Jamie told Howard that he actually got kicked off the beach for doing his show out there. They have an office out there that they do the show from. He said they wanted to move out of the office and do the show from other places. They do the show 3 days a week for two hours each day.
Howard seemed surprised that he was doing shows that often. Jamie said that they kind of got promoted and got moved to another place out there. He's got his own channel, Foxx Hole 106, that he does his show on and has other people doing comedy stuff on there. They'll run any comedy they can on that channel. He said that people can get in their car and drive across the country and hear all kinds of different stuff.
Jamie said they got moved to this house out in Malibu but they got kicked out of there because they left the speakers on. He said they had this chick Super Head on the show and some old people heard what they were doing. He said he didn't know who this chick was at first and she certainly didn't look like ''Super Head.'' He said he didn't want to say that to her though. He said he'd met her out at a club and she wasn't doing the usual thing that women do with him. He said he knew something was wrong but he wasn't quite sure what it was.
Jamie said that he told the woman that she looked too good to be this Super Head chick but she gave him the smile like he was some super hero for recognizing her. He said she wrote about him in her book after that and said that nothing had happened. Then he had her on the radio show and she was probably the wrong guest to have on. Jamie said that they had some guests on the show and then this Super Head chick. He said that the radio show was actually great because they were talking about everything. He said that she's a down girl and she just flips it on you.
Jamie said he started asking Super Head about the guys she's done and she was naming everyone. He said she talked about Shaq and how small he is in the pants. He said she told them that he was like one of those gold door stops in a house.
Jamie said that Super Head was great on the show but there was a little old white lady walking by and she heard the foul things they were talking about on the air. That's what got them kicked out of the house there in Malibu. Howard said you can't be doing that in a residential neighborhood like that. Jamie said that Jeremy Piven showed up and had some fun with her on the air too.
Howard said that Jamie was dating Leila Arcieri who was on ''Son of the Beach'' and he was jealous of him for that. Jamie said that they were just friends and he wasn't banging her. He said that he ran into her at a John Kerry benefit one night and he told her that he asked her to go with him to the Academy Awards. He said that he didn't have anybody at the time and he already knew her as a friend. He said that the minute you hit it, it's over. Howard said he's not friends with girls so he doesn't know how that goes. Jamie said that they're still friends.
Jamie said that if you don't sleep with your pretty girlfriend, you will always have pretty girlfriends. He said that you have to remain honest in a relationship and tell the chicks how it really is.
Howard said that Jamie looks really muscular in this new movie of his so he wondered if he was doing something like juicing up. Jamie said he's not doing that at all, he's just exercising. Howard read that Jamie had glued his eyes shut for the movie Ray so he wouldn't be able to see. He said that he had his eyes really glued shut. He said he didn't want to cheat and actually see.
Howard talked to Jamie about his star power and using that to get chicks. Jamie said he did kind of use that Academy Award thing to get some chick's numbers. He said he just wanted to see whose numbers he could get with that.
Howard said he was surprised to find out that he's got a daughter. Jamie said that she's 13 years old and he took her to the Academy Awards with him. He said that he's really impressed with how smart she is. He said that there are a lot of nerds at the private school she goes to and he's not worried about them, he's worried about the guys who aren't nerdy.
Howard asked where this kid came from but Jamie didn't want to get into all of that. He said he wasn't looking to talk about the mother. Howard spent a minute talking to him about that and then asked him about getting the job on In Living Color. Jamie said that he had auditioned for the show back when he was doing stand-up comedy. They narrowed it down from like 100 guys down to 50, 25 and then down to about 10. He said that he thought that he was being rejected and figured he wasn't going to get the job. He said in the final audition he killed and got the job. Howard said that must have been one hell of a night when he got that. Jamie said that changed his life after that.
Howard said that doing the stand-up all the years before that helped him get comfortable enough to go up there and kill like that. Jamie said that the Wayans brothers were a Klan and they were always going to work together on stuff. He said that the show got canceled and things all went bad after that. He said that he had just started spending his money from the show when the show got canceled. He said he was keeping all of his clothes in his car so he wouldn't be late for work.
Howard asked him if he was doing drugs and stuff back then. He said that they weren't drugs and kept saying that he wasn't doing drug but something. He said he used to smoke weed years ago but he got a hold of some bad stuff one time and that fucked him up.
Jamie said he went out to do a show one time when he was about 16. He was going to play some stuff for a family in this white neighborhood. They got there and knocked on the door and the guy who answered said he couldn't have two nig*ers in his house at the same time. He tried to negotiate to let his friend park there and just hang out. The guy told him he had to get out of there and off the street.
Jamie said that he was hanging out at this house and the group of people were telling racial jokes and stuff. The wife came over and apologized to him for that. Then he performed for them and got this jacket that the guy had given to him to wear. He went to give it back at the end of the night and the guy told him he couldn't wear it now so he could keep it.
Howard asked Jamie about the girls he had when he was a kid. He said that his first girl was a black girl but he did have some white chicks in his life. He talked about growing up and how his step-father had to go to ''mandatory college'' because of some stuff he'd gotten involved in. That led to Howard going over his history and how he had been adopted by his grandparents and then later found out that his sister was his mother or something like that. Jamie said that the people who adopted his mom had also adopted him. He said that means that legally his mother is his sister.
Howard asked Jamie why he wasn't that close to his mother. He also said that his life is really complicated. Jamie said that he doesn't need therapy or anything because of it. Howard said if his mother wasn't around for him, like Jamie's, he'd need therapy. Jamie said that his mother wasn't around and was about 28 miles away while he was growing up. Howard said that if she was there right now, he'd say something to her about that.
Jamie said that he still stays in touch with his family and gets along with them very well. He said they still celebrate holidays and stuff like that. Howard asked him if his family expects him to pay the bills for them. He said that his family really doesn't know what he makes so he'll get a call from a family member asking him for seventy nine dollars even.
Howard asked Jamie if he has a lot of people like this Minister Farakan asking him to do stuff for him. Jamie said that guy is a great guy in his personal life. Howard also asked Jamie about Michael Vick because he read that he'd grown up around dog fighting himself. Jamie said that's true and he does kind of have to root for the black man when he gets involved in stuff like that. He said that he tries to support OJ but he just keeps fucking things up.
Howard read that Jamie had banged Vita Guerrera but Jamie said he never does celebrities. Howard read that Salma Hayek was with him but he said that she's just a friend. He said that he might have sex with some celebrities but they're not usually in the same business.
Howard read that Jamie changed his name from Eric Bishop to Jamie Foxx because he was looking to get his name chosen by people who thought that he was a woman. He said that they'd pick the women first during improv nights.
Howard read that Jamie hated David Letterman and wouldn't do his show for a while. Jamie said that he was set up and they've since patched up. He said he was a young comedian who wanted to get on Letterman's show. He said that Bill Cosby had done some material about booty calls and stuff. He was going to go on Letterman and do this joke about that. The pre-interviewer told him that was great so he went on the show and was doing great. He figured when he got to that joke he was going to blow the roof off the place. He said he told the joke and then Letterman cut him off and told him to apologize to Bill. He said that was fucked up to have Letterman throw him under the bus like that.
Howard said he had something similar happen to him on Letterman when the OJ Simpson thing went down. He said that he wasn't going to do the show anymore after that because Letterman made him look like a buffoon.
Howard said that Jaime was there to promote this movie ''The Kingdom'' so he got in a plug for that. Jamie talked about that movie for a couple of minutes. Ralph was on the phone so he asked Jamie why he was so shot out of a cannon this morning. Jamie said that he had been up all night people watching at the hotel. Ralph asked him if the Wayans brothers are pissed that he and Jim Carrey are doing as well as they are. Jamie said that the Wayans are doing just fine, they have a ton of money themselves so they're not pissed.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Jamie if he thinks he's the most successful person to come out of In Living Color. Jamie said that he thinks that Jim Carrey is probably the one who is the biggest. He said he went over to Jim's apartment one time and he showed him some clips of ''Pet Detective'' and he knew that he was going to be huge after that. He said that he shook his hand and told him he had to do it then because after that movie came out, he wouldn't get close to him again for at least 10 years.
Howard read that Jamie had tried out for the movie Jerry Maguire but he blew the audition. Jamie said that he went to the audition and they sent him out to New York to read with Tom Cruise. He said he was going toe to toe with Tom out there, telling him he had two houses and stuff. He said he asked Tom where he was living and Tom told him he lives in Rome. He thought that was Rome Street, not Rome Italy.
Jamie said that he kept looking at Tom during the read for the movie. He said that Tom had taken a dramatic pause and he thought he'd lost his place in the script so he pointed out where they were in the script. Tom said he knew where they were at, he was just taking a pause. Jamie said that all of his own lines were really loud while Tom was whispering his lines. He said he just blew the audition. The guy pulled him out of the scene and asked him what the fuck he was doing. He really just blew it. He said that Tom is the coolest dude he's ever met and he was very cool with him.
Howard wrapped up with Jamie and gave him a plug for his movie ''The Kingdom'' which he had actually seen. He said that the movie was very good. Jamie is also doing his show live from SIRIUS tomorrow so he got in a plug for that.
Howard said he saw a clip of Jamie on YouTube where he leveled another comedian who was roasting Shaq. Jamie said that the other guy wasn't doing very well so that's why he did that. Howard thought the guy was doing fine but Jamie said he really wasn't. He said that he was trying to get things rolling and the other guy wasn't too happy about it.
Jamie said that he had a guy throw a chair at him at one roast. He said that the guy really took offense to what he was saying. Howard told Jamie that he's doing very good and gave him a plug for his Foxx Hole channel 106. He said he'll be on tomorrow sometime but he's not even sure what time yet. He said they just have fun and do the show whenever they want. He said that they might go from 2-7 on a Friday and then they throw in some music and a bunch of comedy bits.
Howard wrapped up with Jamie and gave him some plugs for the movie and the radio show again. He asked Jamie what he's doing today. He said he's doing Regis and Conan's shows today. He said he'll go back to his hotel and watch the politicians coming and going in there. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said someone wrote in and asked if he was going to comment on Fred's new laugh. He apparently has a new laugh that sounds kind of like the Herman Munster laugh he does. Fred said he didn't notice he was doing that. Howard didn't either and said he hadn't picked up on it.
Howard said he was commenting on how you should never leave political bumper stickers on your car because there are maniacs, like Scott DePace, out there who will follow you and do weird stuff. He had a clip of Scott DePace on the Wrap Up Show where he talks about this bumper sticker that drove him nuts. All it said was ''Impeach Bush'' which drove him nuts. He said that it was staring him in the face for an hour and it was really bothering him.
Artie talked to Scott about the bumper sticker and how it shouldn't bother him that much. He said that it shouldn't make him made, it would have to say something personal about him to piss him off. DePace said that he knows the guy is a douche just because of that one aspect of the person.
Scott came into the studio so Howard asked him what's up with getting so upset. Scott said he had no choice but to look at the bumper sticker. Scott said that of course he was pissed off, he had to stare at the sticker. Howard said that there are guys out there who put political bumper stickers on their cars and then they're surprised when their car gets keyed. There are a lot of mentally ill people out there who will do stuff like that.
Howard said that in a normal world you could put a bumper sticker on your car and not worry. There are a lot of sick people out there and you really have to think about what you put on your car. Howard then read a letter from a woman who said that her daughter has been followed because of her liberal bumper stickers. One person threatened her physically because of her anti-Bush bumper stickers. Scott DePace said he would never do that himself.
Howard said he got a lot of feedback about the Iranian President and what he was saying about that. He said a lot of people agreed with him. He also said that the show ''The Rock of Love'' ripped off the show by doing the Butt Bongo thing. Howard said that people hear them do stuff on the show and then they rip it off from his show thinking that they're doing it themselves. Howard played a clip from the show where Brett Michaels talks about this Butt Bongo thing that they had come up with.
Howard asked if Mark Cronin was involved with that show. Fred said that he is behind it, he just looked it up. Mark used to work with Howard and knows the show very well. Howard said Mark actually worked on Butt Bongo Fiesta. He said that he might want to run that under the show so people know that he invented that.
Howard said that a lot of people liked the Halo 3 giveaway they did yesterday. He read through some of the feedback about that. He said people liked the porn director segment from yesterday as well. He read through a couple of those e-mails. He said some people pointed out what creepy guys those porn directors were.
Howard played a clip where John was going off on Ann Coulter calling her names and reading the notes he had on her. He doesn't really stutter when he's reading and talking about these people. Howard picked up on that and said that he's fine when he's reading but then when he takes calls he can't control himself.
Howard said those remarks were actually John's opening remarks. He played another clip where a caller gave John a F, Marry, Kill game. He gave him Ann Coulter, Dr. Laura and Blue Iris. John was all over the place trying to figure out who he'd marry and F. He said he'd have to kill Ann, F Dr. Laura and marry Blue Iris. He was also asked about Nicole Bass and if he'd do her before Ann Coulter. Howard figured he'd fuck Ann before he'd do Nicole even though he wouldn't admit to it.
Howard played another clip where John gets all pissed off when a caller tells him that maybe if he believed in god he wouldn't have the stutter and he'd get laid. John had the guys cut that guy off because he couldn't get a word in with his stutters.
Howard said they have a lot of shows going on there and got in some plugs for Jackie's Joke Hunt and the Riley Martin Show. Jackie is on at 7, Riley is on at midnight. Howard said the Intern show was on last week and he was about to play some stuff but then he remembered that Lisa G was there. He asked for her to come in but she had already left.
Howard played some clips from the Intern Show where they blasted Lisa G. The interns went off on her for not being easy to talk to. One of the interns said that Lisa acts like she's a little above people and doesn't say much to them when she comes into the office. Some of the interns said that Lisa has been very pleasant with them but the guys seemed to be the ones who weren't treated all that well by her.
Howard played another clip where one of the female interns talked about how she wanted Gary to be her mentor there. She was given an F, Marry, Kill of Jon Hein, Gary and Howard. She said she'd marry Jon, Kill Howard and F-Gary. She said she'd kill off Howard because he has a small penis. Howard jokingly asked if that was their former intern Courtney talking there. He said he was just kidding though. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard had Nikki Sixx come in after that. He said he came in with a guitar according to Howard. Fred played some ''Girls, Girls, Girls'' as he was making his way to the couch. Nikki said that this place was much nicer than the last place. Howard got into it with Nikki and asked him about the divorce he's going through. Nikki said that he's trying to take the high road in this whole thing but the lawyers will drag stuff out in court. Nikki was married to Donna D'Errico from Baywatch. Howard said that if he can't keep that marriage together, then every marriage is doomed.
Nikki said that this whole thing is a deal breaker for him. He said he's got a very high standard at this time. He's never going to have anymore kids and he's never going to get married again so 90 percent of the chicks will run away when they hear that. He said that he can't see doing that again. Howard told Nikki about how he said the same thing and now he's engaged. Nikki said he won't do that again. He said that he will not get married again and said that if he even mutters the word marriage, his money goes to a hit man and the guy is going to take him out.
Howard said that he thinks Nikki will fall in love again and he will end up getting married. Nikki said that he may fall in love again but he doesn't want to be legally bound in love. Robin said that if you've done it once, your chances of doing it again are good. Nikki said he's already done it twice so he's done. He said he used to think it was something that would last forever. Now he doesn't believe that.
Nikki said that he's really focused on his kids. He's got 4 kids, one with Donna and 3 from the first marriage, and that's his whole focus. He said that he takes care of the kids with 50/50 custody. Nikki also said that he got a vasectomy and asked Howard if he's going to do it. Howard said he'd like to get that done but he's not sure if he can go through with it. Nikki asked Howard how old his kids are. Howard told him he's got a 24, 21 and a 14 year old. He said he's done with having more though. Robin said that he's going to end up having another one.
Howard said Beth brought it up last night and asked if he's really going to get a vasectomy. He said that he's really not having anymore kids. Nikki said that he's going to have a second knot put into his vasectomy so he can make sure he's not going to leak some sperm into his stuff. He said that he and Howard can go through with the whole thing together if he wants.
Howard asked Nikki how bad the pain was. Nikki said that it wasn't all that bad. He told Howard about the procedure and how they cover you with a towel and then put a spotlight on his junk. A nurse grabs his junk and squeezes it. He said the doctors then come in and do their thing while joking around. He said the pain of the needle in his sack was pretty rough but after that it wasn't so bad. Within 2 days he was good to go and back to fuckin'. He said things feel the same and the size of his loads are normal.
Howard asked Nikki how things went bad with the marriage. Nikki said that he had gone back to drinking and doing coke so that was his fault. He said that when he was a kid his father left when he was about 3 years old. He said he got some information about his father that was pretty devastating to him. He said that his mother wasn't there either, she left when he was 6. He said that his life was crazy and messed up as a little kid and that led to him being a very pissed off kid. He ended up running away at 13 and was sleeping in people's cars and stuff. He said he now works with runaway kids and knows what they're going through. He said he knows how they're feeling.
Howard asked Nikki if he's ever seen his father since then. He said he found out years later that he'd died so he went to visit his grave. He said you go through the stages of thinking he was an asshole but maybe his mother drove him away. He's not sure. He said that's the point, he didn't know what was going on there.
Nikki said that he's in touch with his mother now and he has made amends over all of that. He said that his mother has convinced him that she wasn't the problem in the marriage. He said that he helps his grandfather out since he raised him. He said that the band did really well there for a while but something went wrong and he ended up getting addicted to heroin. He cleaned up after that and stayed clean for like 20 years. He said he started using again when he was going through some rough times with Donna. He went into rehab and really got it this time and that's what led to the book.
Howard said that some of the things in the book (The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star) are very interesting. He said he read that Nikki had banged the wife of the singer from Iron Maiden. Nikki said that he didn't know it was Bruce Dickinson's wife until the next day. He said he thinks that Bruce knew about it before the book came out.
Nikki said that this woman had come over to his hotel room back then and knocked on his window and asked to come in. She came in and jumped his bones and left. The next day he met Bruce and he was introduced to his wife. Nikki said that moment in time froze and he doesn't even remember what happened at that point.
Howard asked Nikki more about his marriage and what went wrong there. Nikki said that the lawyers really dragged stuff out in court that he didn't want to bring up. They made him talk about this stuff though. He said he doesn't like it at all. Howard asked Nikki if he had a pre-nup with Donna. Nikki said he didn't and asked Howard if he had one with his wife. Howard said he didn't because he got married at 23, he had nothing to lose at that point.
Howard read that Nikki's mother was screwing Richard Pryor back when he was a kid and he used to come over. Nikki said that it was right around 1965-67 or so and it was in the middle of the whole peace and love thing. He said that he talked to his mother about it and she said that it was pretty wild at that time for a white woman to date a black man. They had trouble getting into some places because of that.
Howard asked Nikki about his love of vomiting. He read that Nikki liked to go into a closet in his house where he'd do his drugs. Nikki said he wouldn't vomit in there, he'd make it to the bathroom. He said that heroin makes you throw up, so does cocaine when you inject it. He said he was doing that stuff in any way he could. The guys spent some time talking about the drug use and how the coke almost always makes you puke.
Howard read some stuff from Nikki's book where he talks about the puking thing. He would drink tons of water before doing the coke and then puke it up. He said that there is no enjoyment in the addiction thing. He said that's what he tries to tell these kids that he deals with.
Howard read one thing about Nikki using toilet water to cut his drugs one time. Nikki said that it's awful but he had to go into a bathroom stall to shoot up. Howard said that it seemed like Nikki was trying to kill himself and wondered if he ever got sick from doing stuff like that. Nikki said he just had his blood work done recently and he's fine. He said they did a body scan and the doctor was amazed that he's fine.
Howard said that Nikki had technically died one time so he wondered if that's what he was going for. Nikki said it was just a sad story. He was doing really well with the band back then and that's what he was doing with his life. He said that now he donates money to Covenant House and tries to help out the kids who are running away.
Howard read that Nikki had gotten beaten with a bat to get brought back to life after he had passed out one time. Nikki claims that when he died, he saw himself in the bed from above. Nikki said that he later felt like he could see the whole thing. He blurted that out on Behind the Music and knew that he was going to end up talking about that for the rest of his life. Howard asked him if he believes in life after death. Nikki paused for a second and said ''I'm not sure.'' Howard said he doesn't believe it at all. Nikki said he doesn't believe that there's a heaven or hell but maybe there's something out there bigger than all of us. He said that the closest he could believe is maybe reincarnation but he doesn't really know.
Howard read that Nikki was close to spending $140,000 a year on drugs back in 1987. He was told that if he kept that up he'd be broke. That helped snap him out of it.
Howard asked Nikki about the stuff he did with the chicks and if he thinks about that stuff and how his daughter could end up doing that kind of thing. He said that his 13 year old kind of blossomed this summer and it did freak him out when he saw her all dressed up and going out with her other 13 year old friend. He said that he didn't want to let her go out that night and told her she was grounded.
Howard asked Nikki about shooting up into his penis. Nikki said that there was an accessible vein there so that's where he shot up. Howard figured he had a big cock of he could do that but Nikki said he's like a light switch. He said that he is a grower though. He's not huge but it does grow.
Howard asked Nikki about the chicks he's banged and if he names any of the really famous chicks he had. He wasn't going to get into those names so Howard asked him what's up with the band now. Tommy Lee has quit the band so he's out now. Nikki said that they had this manager working with the band and he started to demand more money to have Tommy in it with them. The guy kept demanding more money and they ended up suing the guy because of what he was doing. He said they lost 10s of millions of dollars because Tommy was out doing solo stuff. He said that guy cost them a lot of money so they had to sue him. Tommy pulled out of the band because of that and the battle is still going on. He said you'd think that Tommy would support the band but that's not the case. Nikki said that Tommy isn't the singer or song writer so they should be fine without him. He said he has nothing against him though.
Howard asked Nikki about the heroin thing and if he still feels like he needs it. Nikki said he doesn't feel that at all. He told Howard that last night he came in and slept for like 8 or 9 hours and his head was spinning but he's glad that he doesn't feel like crap anymore. He said that the rehab he went to was really good for him and they really straightened him out. He said that he had to find out what was at the core of his addiction and that's what he did.
Richard Christy came in and said that they have something in common. Nikki said he didn't like the way he was smiling. Richard then said that he heard that Nikki wouldn't shower for weeks back when they were touring. Nikki said that was because he was wasted. He told Richard that he has a problem, a serious problem, if he's not showering. He told him to go to SA, Showers Anonymous.
Howard gave Nikki another plug for his book and said he'd be signing it at a book store tonight. Nikki then told Howard a story about giving the book to someone to read and to let him know if he had gone too far with it. His friends told him that the book would scare the shit out of the kids who would read it at Covenant House.
Richard was still on the not showering thing and said he heard that Nikki and Tommy used to have contests to see who could go without showering the longest and still get chicks. He heard that Nikki won that contest. Nikki said he thinks he did win that one. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that before Howard moved on.
Howard played a track off of Nikki's album ''The Heroin Diaries Soundtrack.'' The song was ''Life is Beautiful.'' Nikki then gave Howard a guitar which was a limited edition. Howard started to play a little bit but it was out of tune. Howard thanked him for that and then had him put it back in the case. Howard gave him a couple more plugs and tried to wrap up the interview. Nikki told Howard he loves this new studio and loves coming in and talking to them.
Richard asked Nikki if they're still making a movie out of the book ''The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band'' which was about the band. Nikki said that it is going to be a movie but it's very difficult to make a good movie so it's going to take a long time. They spent a short time on that and then wrapped up and went to break.
Scott came in and said that he only said it on the Wrap Up show but then it turned into him having told Robin and Gary the same thing off the air. Scott said that he puts in 60-70 hours a week working on the show and he also helped design the studio without getting paid. (This was later discussed and Scott was actually saying he worked 60-70 hours for free on the studio, not 60-70 hours a week. Sorry Scott.)
Howard told Scott he had another copy of Halo 3 to give away but he has to do something. He told him that he has to tell Jason 5 positive things about him while looking at him in the face and then tell him he loves him. Scott said he can't do that. He didn't have 5 things that he could come up with. Jason came in and said that last time he told him he had no redeeming qualities. Scott said it wasn't worth it to do that. He said he'd rather go and drive to 10 stores to find the game himself. He's not going to lie and make up nice things about Jason.
Scott said there are some things that Jason has done to him that he can't forgive him for. Gary said that Scott said that when he plays Halo 3, he's going to pretend that Jason is one of the guys he's shooting. Howard asked Scott if there's a price for hugging Jason and making up with him. Scott said that would probably be $500. He said that he can't see doing anything nice for Jason otherwise. He said that his attack on his Video Caddy was just wrong. Jason laughed when he heard that. Scott said that it wasn't cool to bad mouth his product when they don't do that to anyone else on the show. Robin said they used to do that with Jackie all the time.
Jason asked Scott to forget he's Jewish for a second and come up with some nice things to say. Scott said that he'd have to really scratch his head there. He wasn't able to come up with anything nice to say about him. Howard told Scott to name 5 qualities in Jason that he hopes his son has. Scott said he won't have anything to do with his son if he turns out like Jason. Then it came up that Jason is straight so that's one thing. Scott also said that Jason really does try to play sports even though he's not that athletic. Scott said that Jason also graduated college, so that's another good thing. He was up to three things so far. He said that Jason has a strong work ethic which is good.
Scott was up to four things so far. He said he'd hate to blow it there. He thought about it a little more and tried to come up with more stuff. Robin helped him but Howard disqualified that because she was helping him. Jason was happy with the four things and Scott not getting the game. Scott then said that he can read but that didn't fly. Scott tried and tried to come up with something but nothing was popping up. He said ''He uh...'' and had nothing. Howard told Scott he could have that copy of Halo 3 with just one more thing. Scott said that Jason has led a life that must have been difficult but he is cool enough to like the Howard Stern Show. That was lame according to Gary. Howard said this was like pulling teeth and gave it to Scott. Then the two shook hands. Jason tried to hug him but Scott punched him and didn't go there.
Howard gave Scott the game and Robin asked him if he feels better. He said he didn't. Jason said it'll be amazing if Scott finds time to play that game while he's working that 60-70 hours a week.
Steve said that they've been looking into the Benjy Bronk Wikipedia page bio and someone there at SIRIUS has been trying to change his bio over there. They believe that the person doing that is Benjy under the name ''Accurate Media.'' Benjy said that he doesn't know what Steve is talking about, he's not making those changes.
Steve said that Ronnie is collecting some money for the t-shirts that Bubba The Love Sponge is selling with the ''Lets Fuck Some Whores'' comments on them. Steve also said that High Pitch Mike is still upset about the discussion he had earlier in the morning with Howard. They'll have his ''Lowdown with High Pitch Mike'' today on Howard 100 News.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that he was watching some Howard TV but wasn't able to find the Daniel Carver Cribs show. Howard asked the guys if it was still up there. Gary said he was checking into it, he didn't have an answer yet.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Scott DePace's behavior is mind blowing. She said that Jason is such a nice guy and Scott should be more mature over that. She also said that she sent a letter on Beth's behalf to Richard Johnson about what he wrote about them. She said that she's working on a show trying to get an interview with Cameron Diaz and wanted some questions to ask. Howard hung up on her and told her to come up with her own questions.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Robin if she was attracted to Nikki Sixx. That led to Howard asking Robin who she finds more attractive, Nikki or Jim Florentine. She didn't answer and said there can be more than one good looking guy. Fred was doing his Jim impression not letting Robin answer. She eventually said that Jim is a better looking guy. Howard said she must have gone out on a date already. She denied that had happened though.
A caller told Howard not to get a vasectomy because he had one done and he had problems. He said he had problems for years because of it. The sperm were building up in his balls and they swelled up to the size of a handball. Howard thanked him for that and then got back to Robin and asked her if Jim is better looking than Jamie Foxx. Robin said that Jim was better looking. Howard said she had to have banged him.
Jon Hein came in and said that they'll be talking about Jamie Foxx's interview on the Wrap Up Show today. They'll also talk about Nikki Sixx and the stuff they covered in his interview. He said they'll also talk about Artie not coming in and about Benjy's revelation about not being with Sheila anymore.
Howard got back on the subject of Benjy and said that it's so tough to talk to him. He said that no one cares to hear his shtick and he should just answer honestly. He told him he was done with him anyway. Benjy said that he always cuts him off when he tries to answer if he doesn't like what he's hearing. Howard ended it with Benjy again and had Robin get into her news.
Robin went through some of the new TV shows that are coming up this season. They talked about Heroes a little bit but Howard had missed the episode. He said there were some people on the phone who wanted to talk about it but he didn't want to spoil anything before seeing it himself.
The guys talked about some other shows like Survivor as well. Howard said he got so bored with the show that he's not going to watch it at all this season. He's tired of the same thing year after year. He said he can only watch so much TV anyway. He said he will be watching ''Smallville'' and he will check out ''The Bionic Woman.'' He's also been into ''Tell Me You Love Me'' lately.
Fred did his Jim Florentine impression a little more during the news and had some fun with Robin. Howard kept on her about that subject and continued to ask her if she had gone out with him or not. She was still denying that she had gone out with Jim.
Howard asked Robin who she found hotter and when she said that Jim was better looking than KC, Howard said she had to have gone out with Jim if that's what she thinks. He thinks that Jim has had sex with her and gone down on her if she thinks he's better looking than KC. Robin said that she never thought KC was all that hot. She also said that Jim is better looking than Steve O and Robin used to say that Steve O was hot. Robin picked Tom Chiusano in his prime over Jim and also picked Matthew Modine over Jim. She picked Richard Gere over him as well. Howard still thinks that she had to have gone out with Jim but Robin was still denying it. Howard said he thinks that Jim has keys to her home at this point.
Howard had Robin wrap up her news and ended the show around 10:55am.
Howard started off the show saying he's going to call Scott the Engineer to find out how his hernia operation went. He hasn't been in all week because of that. He said he had the operation on Monday so he's going to give him a call today to find out if he's doing okay. He figured that if Scott died Robin wouldn't even notice.
Howard said that Artie is back but he got an e-mail from someone saying that he was out at a Bruce Springsteen concert in Asbury Park the other day. The guy claimed that he had pictures of him there. Artie said that's bullshit and he wasn't there.
Gary came in and said that Scott the Engineer had to have more operations than he was supposed to. He was in worse shape then he thought he was.
Artie said he had a pretty bad experience himself the other day. He said he's been eating the worst food and the other day he had two double cheeseburgers at Burger King and then went to McDonald's and had another burger and then a meatball parm sandwich at home.
Robin asked him what he actually had at Burger King. He said he had two double cheeseburgers and a shake with no fries. That's basically like two full cheeseburgers. Then, later in the afternoon, he ran out and passed by a McDonald's and had some more food. Howard said that he really should have just had the fries because it's not going to make much of a difference. Artie said he figured he could go for a quarter pounder with cheese at McDonald's. That was about 5 hours after the Burger King thing. He said he went and got the Quarter Pounder with cheese, small fries and a Coke with a lot of ice.
Howard asked Artie if he knows how much sugar is in a Coke. Artie didn't know so Howard told him it's like 7 teaspoons. They talked about that and about some of the huge drinks that they sell at 7-11 and places like that. Artie talked about how they make the cups in a way that they'll fit a regular cup holder at the bottom but the top of the cup is giant so they can fill it with a ton of soda.
Artie got back to his story and talked about the meatball parm that he had after the McDonald's food on Monday night. He said that it may have been sitting out for a while the day before. He did put it in the refrigerator though. He said he went and laid down around 10 that night and watched some stuff on TV. He said he couldn't sleep and got up around 3 in the morning. He was feeling pretty crappy so he got up to go to the bathroom. It's set up so he can almost puke and shit at the same time in there.
Artie said he did throw up a couple of times and he figured that the neighbors could hear him puking. He went back to bed and ended up getting the shivers. He got up around 5 and puked again and he was looking yellowish-green. He thought his liver might be failing or something. Artie said he took his temperature with an ear thermometer and found that it was 100.7. He said he wasn't sure if that was right or not so he called in sick.
Artie tried to go back to sleep and then called his mother and told her what's going on. She told him that there are some people who got E. coli from hamburgers lately. She told him he was going to die from that. She called the doctor and the guy told him to come over so he could see him. He drove over to the guy's office and he told him that he may have had a touch of food poisoning. He just had to wait it out and try to make him throw up as much as possible. He didn't have any E. coli poisoning though.
Artie said the doctor asked him to stay there so he could keep an eye on him. He works out of a house so he had his grandkids there and stuff like that. Artie said he gave him another Tylenol after about 4 hours and that brought the temperature down. He sent him home after that and he puked about another 3 or 4 times after that. Artie said he was told to force it if he had to so he did that by sticking his fingers down his throat.
Howard said he's never stuck his fingers down his throat to make himself puke. Artie said he's dome that a lot. He said that when he gets the bed spins, he has to make himself throw up to get it out. He said he's probably done that 50 times in his life. He said he went to bed last night around 10 and he's doing okay today. He said he hardly ate anything yesterday though. He wasn't able to keep anything down.
Artie said he thinks that it was the leftover meatball sandwich he had that did it. Robin asked him why he ate something that wasn't fresh. Artie said it seemed like a waste to throw it out. He figured that he would have lost some weight from throwing up too.
King of All Blacks told Artie that Diabetes might just hit him like a brick wall. Artie said he is afraid of that. King said that it's not genetic either, he said that it's the bread and sugar that's going to get him. He said that some people can eat that stuff and nothing will happen to them. King said he got Diabetes and felt like he had pins pricking him in the arm. The next week he was peeing a lot and had to have a bucket next to the bed.
Artie said that his doctor took some blood but King told him that won't show up in his blood tests. He said that it'll only show up if he has it. You either have it or you don't according to King.
King also asked Howard how he'd like to go out of this world. Howard said he'd like to have a long life with some down years where he's not working. Then he'd like to die in his sleep. Howard let him go after that so he could take some other calls.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he watched Heroes last night. Howard said he did see it and also watched a bunch of other TV shows like The Bachelor. He talked about that show and Artie threw in a mention for the war show he's been watching lately. Howard said he thought Heroes was good but he doesn't like the story line with the Chinese kid. He said he's trapped in the past and it's just annoying.
Howard said that Dancing with the Stars and The Biggest Loser were both on. Beth wanted to watch Dancing with the Stars so that's what they watched. Robin said that the Biggest Losers don't change all that much from week to week. Howard told her she has to wait until the final episode to see the big changes.
Howard talked about how Scott DePace had won the copy of Halo 3 by saying five nice things about Jason. He had a tough time coming up with anything. Howard also said that Scott had claimed that he worked 60-70 hours a week on the show so Jason wrote him a note and said he couldn't believe that. Scott came in and said that he never said that, he just said he put in 50-60 hours designing the studio.
Jason went to pull the tape and Howard stayed on the story. Howard said he'll apologize if the tape proves differently. Jason said that if Scott was working that many hours a week he'd be working 5:30 in the morning until 10pm from Monday to Thursday since they have off on Friday. Howard said that they're going to find out if he said it or not when Jason gets the tape.
Howard asked Scott if he played Halo 3 yesterday. Scott said he did but Howard figured he wouldn't have time to do that if he were working 70 hours a week. Gary said he heard that Scott had trouble figuring out if he should watch baseball or play the game. Scott said he played the game for about an hour on the internet.
Howard said he was late for work today because he was playing chess this morning. He said he was very embarrassed by that. He said he was 10 minutes late which is unusual for him. He said that he had learned a new opening so he had to try it out. He played a couple of blitz games and ended up playing a couple. He said that he looked at his clock and saw it was 5:10 already so he was running late.
Howard said that people are nuts online with these games. He played against one guy who ended up giving him a bunch of ''Ha ha ha has'' and goofed on him about how he takes too long to think. He said he was going to turn the guy in after that. He said that he told the guy that he was Bobby Fisher and tried to calm him down. He said he's never going to play that guy again. He said he should have told the guy ''Ha ha ha, I'm going to go fuck my model girlfriend!'' or something like that.
Artie asked Scott how long he thinks it would take to teach him or Benjy how to direct the show. Scott said it would take 10 years. He said that it wouldn't be that hard during a show where there's not much going on. It's the other shows that are tough when they have a lot going on. Artie wanted to try out some directing but Scott was insulted by the line of questioning. He seems to believe that it's very hard work.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Scott's job isn't hard and he's on SternFanNetwork all day long. He went off on him for a couple of minutes. Scott didn't want to deal with it and seemed to want Howard to hang up on the guy. Howard took some more phone calls from some people and ended up saying that Artie called him and thanked him for giving him a job because now he's got a book deal. He told Artie that it wasn't necessary.
A couple more callers told Scott to go back and direct the show. They would insult him about his job and then Scott would ask what they do for a living. One guy he asked ''What do you do, dig ditches?'' like there's something wrong with that.
Howard asked Scott what his online name is when he plays Halo 3. He said that it's DukerDog but his friends list is full right now.
Gary came in and said that he has tape of Scott saying what he said and that guy, MarksFriggin, heard it the same way Jason heard it. He played the clip and Scott actually said that it was 60-70 hours that he had worked on the studio without getting paid. Howard apologized to Scott and so did some of the other people in there. That led to the guys talking about what Jason was saying about Scott on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Howard played some of that show where Jason was calling Scott stupid and how he can't get any thoughts out on his own.
Jason said that he apologizes to Scott if that's what he was really saying yesterday. He didn't think that was the way it came out. Scott refused to accept his apology and pushed his hand away when he went to shake it.
Bubba said that they're in radio and big time Hollywood names don't matter. They don't raise subscribers and people don't give a fuck. He said they got him for pennies on the dollar a couple of years ago and now they need to come up with some good money.
Howard said he really thinks that they should pay Bubba and they're not getting paid very well right now. He thinks that they should keep him there. Howard played more of the Bubba stuff where he was talking about the kind of money they gave to Martha Stewart. He said that they gave her 40 million and he's not even looking for that much. He said that he'd like to have that much but he doesn't need it.
Howard said that there are a lot of deals that must be put on hold with this whole satellite radio merger thing being held up. He said that might be one of the reasons Bubba is being held up. He said he read an article about the merger where they say that there have been a lot of comments and notes being sent out about the merger that are anti-merger. He said that these people are sending in form letters and the split is still 50/50 or so.
Howard said that he really hopes the merger goes through. He said he knows that Tim is upset with Bubba about the rant. Tim came in and said that it can really upset some of the guys there that are going to be doing the negotiations and he really can't go off on them on the air like that. Tim said he's working on Bubba's behalf and trying to help him out but it's very difficult when he does what he does on the air.
Tim said that Bubba is basically drawing a line in the sand with those comments. He said he called Bubba after that rant and didn't get a call back from him. He said that he's working to keep the channels going there and he really wants Bubba to stay there. He said they need to discuss things calmly though. He said they're all there for the same benefit and they all want to make money. He said they need to talk though. He said he'll talk to Bubba this morning about the whole thing.
Howard asked Tim if he's still going to the gym. Tim said he is so Howard ended up talking to him about the amount of food he eats. Tim said he eats a lot of stuff all day long. Artie told him not to admit or deny it and had a mouth full of bagel as he was saying it. Artie said he also had some Hawaiian Punch to go along with that.
Howard had Brent on the phone and Brent said that it's a lot more complicated than Tim is making it seem. He can't talk about it on the air though. Tim said that all of the issues are workable and solvable. Brent said that there are some major, major issues that they need to take care of. Howard said that it was good radio from his perspective. He said he knows for a fact that Tim is working very hard on this. Brent said he knows that but there are things that really complicate things. He didn't want to talk about it on the air because he didn't want to give it away.
Brent said that yesterday he got a call from a client who said that their sales people are saying that they've turned down a couple of offers and that they've turned them down. Howard said that's all heresy though and they can't start listening to that stuff. Brent said that's just one small issue. There are other things that they've been dealing with for about a year now and it has nothing to do with money at all.
Tim said that they have to focus on their situation and let the agent represent them so they can work that stuff out. Tim thinks that they need to focus on delivering the best radio they can. Brent said that's what they're doing but there are still things they have in the way that make it very difficult.
Howard said he hopes things work out. Brent said he has no doubt that it will work out eventually. Robin told him to keep it off the air then. Howard said he thinks that guys like Bubba are the future of satellite radio. They need people who can do 4 hours of interesting radio every day. He said that he'd rather not be around if the guys aren't happy working there. He said he's been saying this for six months and he doesn't want to do two channels if they're not going to keep these people there. He said that they're good dudes and they're loyal to the show so he doesn't get what the beef is.
Howard said that maybe they have to look at the way other shows are performing there and maybe see that Bubba and his show are keeping people listening while others aren't. He said he knows that management is looking to turn a profit and all of that. He said he knows that some people don't want to be pushed up against the wall and forced to do things. He said that Tim is trying to work all of that out and he knows how to do stuff like that. He's been very wise when it comes to programming the channels there. He said that Tim is doing things very professionally there.
Artie said that Tim saying that these are workable issues that were created by man and can be fixed by man, was some real middle management bullshit right there. Tim said that this whole thing has been incredible there and they're having a good time doing all of this. He was asking Brent to grab hands and move forward with them.
Howard told Brent that he hopes that things work out. He hopes that the negotiations go better than Tim's diet. Brent said that everything is going fantastic otherwise. He said that he's still fighting in his martial arts thing. Tim said that he's looking lean and mean these days. Brent said that he's going to be fighting at 170 pounds and the guy he lost to was much bigger than him. Howard said that was a big mismatch that he had. He said he knew he was fucked when he saw the other guy step over the top rope to get into the ring. He ended up knocking him down after about one punch.
Howard asked Brent who put that fight together. Brent said it was the promoter who did it and he just threw two mismatched guys into the ring. Tim said that the thing is that Brent didn't step down, he got right in there and fought the guy. Brent said that he stumbled when he got knocked down and the ref called the fight. He said he actually got a shin to the forehead and that's what did it to him. He said that he got kicked so hard that he had an indent on his head even though he had headgear on.
Howard let Brent go after that and played a little more of Bubba's rant. Bubba was talking about how much he loves his job and told management to just pay them and stop being a bunch of little fucks. He said he knows that there are hundreds of thousands of people who listen to his show and he knows that for sure. He said that he knows that if they don't keep him there, he knows that they'll lose tens and tens and tens of millions of dollars.
Howard said that Bubba really isn't making good money doing this. He has to pay his guys himself and he had to build his own studio too. He said Bubba was on the balls of his ass back when they signed him and they got him cheap.
Howard mentioned that Jerry Rice was coming in today and Artie was excited about that. He didn't want to think of him as the guy from Dancing with the Stars though. He talked about his football history instead. The guys talked about the new Dancing with the Stars season and how they have a boxer on there that's a really good dancer. Fred has been watching and talked a little bit about him. Artie sounded shocked that Fred was actually into that show.
The guys talked about Wayne Newton dancing on that show and how they were being really nice to him with their comments. They spent a couple of minutes on that before Howard went to break.
Howard said that some of the guys from the Jackass show are kind of worried about Steve-O. Artie said that he wants to find out if Steve-O even remembers the last time he saw him because he was really out of it. He had a bunch of stuff to get to but he had Lisa G to get to.
Sal said he was on the web and said he was looking for Seth McFarlane's e-mail address. He said he wasn't asking Jason for it, he was looking for it on the web. He said he was asking Jason, that if he had it, could he pass it along. He wasn't looking for private information. Howard said that he heard that Sal is going around trying to fuck with Artie by getting jobs like that to mess with Artie. Sal said he wanted to do some of this stuff as a goof but he's not hounding anyone.
Gary asked Sal what he would have written to Seth if he had found the e-mail address. Sal said he was just going to tell him that they were fans of his show and they heard that Seth is a fan of Howard's show. He said he never wrote to the guy and said it wasn't a priority of his. Jason said he was told he wanted to write to him and he did say that he wanted a part on the show.
Sal said that he and Richard wanted to prove that they could get a legitimate job on a show like Entourage to prove that Artie was wrong when he said they could never do that. They were going to try and do that and the Family Guy thing to prove Artie wrong. Howard cut him off and got rid of him because he had to move along.
Lisa G said that they have a story about the journalist who is helping Artie out with his book. They also have a story about the high bidder on the charity auction for the visit to the show. That person bid $101,000 on that auction.
Steve was all over the place with the story so Howard tried to reel him in. Steve said he knows that he's a can of worms and that's why he comes in there. Steve said that now they have to pay them each $50,000 to be in the video game. He said that he loves being in the game but it's nothing new to him.
Steve said that they showed him this game for the first time and it was such bullshit, it was obvious that they had nothing to do with the creation of it. He said that the game could have been a lot funnier if they had something to do with it. He said that he'd rather be remembered for doing some great shit.
Steve said that the last time he saw Artie he told him he looked fantastic even though he was falling apart. Howard interrupted him and said that he had Johnny Knoxville and Bam on the show not too long ago, and they're both worried about him. Steve was laughing like crazy this morning and he didn't sound too sober.
Howard said that Bam told him that he's worried about Steve. Steve laughed when he heard that. Howard said Bam told him that Steve using something and he's worried about him. Steve said that he doesn't use the hard core stuff. He said that he's got his own video game out, his own TV show (Dr. Steve-O) where he helps out Type B personalities by kidnapping them and having them do a lot of crazy stuff. He said they got one guy a blow job at a sperm bank. He said that they had this prostitute pouring the guy's load from the condom into the jar during that shoot. He seems to think they'll show that on the show but Artie told him that might end up on the DVD.
Howard asked Steve if he wants to die young because it seems like he's trying to kill himself. Steve said that as you go through your life you're supposed to get some wisdom. He said that the closer you get to death, the more you fear it. He said that our main instinct is to not die. He said that everyone will die and yet we fear it. He said that he's angry about the fact that he has to die and he knows that. Howard had to reel him in again and try to get him on track.
Howard asked Steve about the drug use. Steve said that he's like a distraction therapist because he makes people forget about their problems. Howard said that when Bam is worried about him, he has to think that he's doing something too wild. Steve was just laughing and going nuts the whole time they were talking about this stuff.
Steve was going through some stories about the stuff he does like using nitrous oxide to do whip-its and stuff like that. Howard asked Steve if he got to bang Paris Hilton. Steve said he never got the chance to be with her, she's always been with dudes when he's hung out with her. He said that he would never bad mouth her for any reason because he wouldn't want to jeopardize his relationship with the paparazzi. He laughed after everything he said.
Steve got back to this whip-its thing and said that he does like 600 of them at a time. He was all over the place again talking about his apartment. He explained to Howard how he was watching this globe after getting high one time and his face started to come out of it. He said that the whip-its can make him hallucinate, especially after three days of doing the stuff and not sleeping.
Steve also said that there was this chick who had a Jackass fan site and now she lives in his building. That's about as far as that story went. He laughed after he told it. He was also saying that he has about 9000 e-mails archived to use for a book some day. He said he's a media whore and he knows that he's big when they make up lies about him in the tabloids.
Steve talked about having a bag of coke one time and Lindsay Lohan took it from him. He was calling it ''Boog Suge.'' He was telling that story but then he'd get sidetracked and get off of that. Howard asked him more about the coke story but Steve wasn't giving the whole story. Steve said that Lindsay had forgotten her wallet in his bathroom so he had to have her come back to get it and he had her sign a release for this DVD he's putting together when he gave it back to her.
Steve said that it's difficult to have a relationship. He told Howard a story about this chick he was going out with and how he had screwed up something for her. He was all over the place again so Howard tried moving on. He asked Steve about peeing on a bar down in Miami one time. Steve talked a little bit about the drug use and said that he's on and off the coke and stuff like that. He takes it as it comes.
Steve mentioned a bunch of the stuff he's got going right now like the TV show and stuff. He also mentioned that he got arrested over in Sweden for smuggling in some ecstasy. He told the story about how he tried doing that. He tried to smuggle in some hash and marijuana and ended up talking about it on the air over there.
Howard took a call for Steve but Steve was busy thanking Robin for being so cool to him. Steve also said that Howard predicted he was only going to live 2 weeks about 7 years ago. Howard said he still thinks that he only has about 2 weeks left.
Howard gave Steve a plug for his new TV show that's airing next Monday night. He gave him a plug for the video game too. He gave him a plug for his web site SteveO.com.
Artie told a story about seeing Steve-O at the Guys Choice awards a while back and they had some fun there. Steve thought that Artie was pissed at him but Artie said that's not the case. He was busting his balls. Artie said he almost grabbed Steve by the neck and took him to the hospital because he looked so wasted. He was afraid that he was in a place like he was a few years ago.
Artie told Steve that he's like him without a steady job. Steve didn't seem to understand that and goofed on Artie's movie ''Beer League'' a little bit. Artie said that he and the other comics there were talking about Steve and how bad he was looking that day. Steve said that he loves Artie, that son of a bitch, and wondered how long Howard thinks Artie will outlive him. Howard didn't get a chance to answer him.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said he loved Jackass 2. He told him that he's a crazy fuck. Howard took another call from a guy who told Steve he should get a Steve O doll that laughs when you throw it at the wall. After the next dopey suggestion, Howard hung up on that guy.
A caller asked Steve about Bam Margera's claims that Jackass was created based on his DKY DVDs. Steve said that on paper it says that Spike Jonze, Johnny Knoxville and Jeff Tremaine are the creators. That was all he wanted to say about that.
Howard wrapped up after giving Steve some more plugs for his stuff. He was about to go to break but then suggested that Steve go out with Britney Spears. That's the kind of chick he needs. He went to break after that.
Howard said that the fans on the phone seemed to be under the impression that Steve-O was on something this morning. Artie was thinking it was ecstasy. He said he's had personal experience with that so he knows what it can do to you.
Howard said that Artie has been officially rejected by the USO. Howard said that he knew that Artie was going to be rejected because of his relationship with the show. Artie said that sucks. He wanted to go over to Iraq and entertain the troops. He said that they'll take anyone else who does the same kind of material, they just won't take Artie. Artie said that he was willing to make it as accommodating as possible but they just said no. He said it was a polite no but it was still a no.
Howard said that Cousin Brucie has signed on for a couple more years there at SIRIUS. That got Howard doing his Cousin Brucie impression for a couple of minutes. He said that Brucie will be there for a couple more years and he's glad that he's staying there and not going back to terrestrial radio.
Artie asked what he guesses Brucie makes from doing radio. Howard said that he owns some radio stations and stuff so he probably gets a couple hundred grand a year. He said that half a million would be crazy.
Howard read through the e-mail and the guy doesn't even want to perform the song himself. He said that maybe Howard could sing the song. Howard said if he did that, Beth would leave him. He played a little more of the song and said he's going to try and learn it. They had already transcribed the song for Howard so Gary told him he could sing along with it.
Howard wanted to sing the song in a lower key but Fred told him to try it the same as the guy who sang it. Howard tried a line but gave up quickly. Artie said he wants to sing some Anne Murray at the wedding. Howard said he definitely wants that to happen.
Howard asked Jerry about his childhood and the kind of stuff he had to go through as a black kid growing up in Mississippi. He said he didn't even want to play football, he was a nerd, but he tried out for the team after the principal noticed how fast he could run. He said he felt out of his element playing the game because he was all by himself being a nerd and all. He said that he played wide receiver and defensive back at that point. He said he found the girls looking at him differently when he became a starter. He didn't get laid until he was 18 though.
Jerry told some stories about being disciplined as a kid and how his father would whip his ass with a switch. Howard asked him if he ever got aroused having that done to him. Jerry said that didn't happen, it was never sexual with him. Jerry said that the principal of his school would whip him too. He was a black guy though, it wasn't a white guy whipping him.
Howard asked Jerry about buying a house for his mother and wondered if his parents were divorced. He said that his father is deceased. He said that his father was a tough guy but he knew that he loved him even if he never said it to him.
Howard asked Jerry about his relationship with Deion Sanders. Jerry said that he was much different than he was. He said he was a great player but it wasn't all about him. He said that when Sanders went to the Cowboys, he knew that it was going to be a big rivalry. He said he was able to win some of those battles too.
Howard asked Jerry when he knew that his football career was over. He said that it was when Mike Shanahan told him he was going to be the 4th receiver. He said that he learned that he had to slow down at that point. He said that he put his body through a lot of stuff in his career and now he's promoting this new health drink Elations. He said that has helped him out with his joints and stuff.
Howard asked Jerry about the Elations drink and let him get in some plugs for the web site Elations.com and stuff. Jerry said that he thinks that he could make a return to the game after using this drink.
Gary came in and gave some of the impressive stats that Jerry has and how he should be held in the same spotlight that some of the other big players have been because he was so good. Jerry said he thinks that he's done things in his own way and he's proud of what he's done.
Howard asked Jerry about how the first time he got laid and found out she was an older woman. She was 28 years old, 10 years older than him. He said that he wasn't banging white women back then because that was frowned upon in the deep south. He said that he still hasn't been with a white woman to this day. He said he's not racist or anything but he's not curious about what that would be like.
Jerry said that he got married when he was 23 and he met her when he was 20. He said that she was much younger than him. Jerry only had two years of getting laid before he met his wife. Howard wondered if he got any other women since then. Jerry said he wasn't going to go there with him. He said that he thinks he got enough experience with other women before he met his wife.
Jerry asked Howard how long he's been married. Howard told him he was married for 20-some years and he didn't cheat at all. Now he's been divorced for 7 years and he's getting married again. Howard then asked him what kind of porn he likes to watch. Jerry does watch it and said that he's a human being so of course he watches it. He said that they watch that stuff late at night when the kids aren't around. Howard asked Jerry where he hides his porn. Jerry would only say that it's well hidden. He didn't want to give away his hiding spot.
Howard dropped the sex talk and asked Jerry about the Elations thing and also about the TV show he wanted to start a few years ago where he acts as a motivational speaker. Howard asked him about that show and what he would do with a 300 pound man who has an addiction to Hawaiian Punch and trouble with women. Artie said that they were talking about him but these people have never seen him play a down before.
Howard asked Jerry if it was awkward in the shower when he was playing. Jerry said that you just never look below the chest. Howard said he had to have looked to see how big Deion was down there. Jerry said that he would never look. Howard said that's his fear of playing sports, he doesn't want anyone else looking at his small penis. He'd be afraid of guys goofing on him for having a needle dick. Jerry said that he never accidentally looked at anyone's penis before. He said that they have had women reporters come into the locker room and he's noticed that they have some trouble concentrating.
Howard was going to take some phone calls for Jerry but he ended up talking about how so many players have health problems after playing for years. They need to get the owners to pony up and help with the health coverage. Howard took a call after that and the guy told Jerry that he's a super star in his own right. Howard said no one was arguing that. Another caller told Jerry how great he is and got the guys talking about the players who are using steroids.
The guys spent a couple more minutes talking to Jerry before wrapping up. Artie asked Jerry a question about a game he saw at Giants Stadium back in 1987. Jerry said that he thinks that his fumble during that game probably cost them the game. He said that taught him to work harder though. He said that helped him become the player he became after that.
Jerry said that he's always been clean and never even smoked weed. Artie asked him a bunch of questions about the guys he played with and if he feared anyone in particular. Jerry said he had a lot of guys coming after him and he knew when to brace himself. He said that there were some guys who were really good and wanted to take his head off. He said he remembers one game where he was dancing around, which is something he didn't usually do, and ended up getting knocked out when someone took him down. Jerry also said that Joe Montana was the best quarterback he ever worked with.
Howard told Jerry he was impressed with how hot his wife still is after all these years. He said that some women don't keep themselves in shape but his wife has. Howard gave him some more plugs for this Elations stuff and wrapped up with him a short time later. Howard threw out one last question as they were going to break and asked Jerry if he ever had a threesome. Jerry said he wasn't going to answer that one.
Howard came back and said he was working on that song that he played earlier. He tried singing along to it again. It didn't go over so well so he stopped for a few seconds. He took a phone call but then started singing again. He ended up singing about Artie's weight this time. The caller on the line was singing along as well.
The caller said that he's not a huge sports fan but the Jerry Rice interview was very good. He said the guy is a class act. Howard said that he didn't know much about him before he was on Dancing with the Stars. The caller and Howard talked about that stuff for a short time.
Howard said that Wendy the Retard has been leaving them messages about being down on her luck. She left about four messages for him this week and she didn't sound all that retarded. She sounded like any other woman asking for money.
Howard played the first clip where Wendy was saying that he hasn't called her and he's not there for her while she's always there for him. Wendy said she needs his support so she can get some orange juice and other stuff. She was about to say she was tired of this bullshit but she got cut off. She called right back and left another message where she broke down crying and saying that Howard is a stubborn, selfish old man and told him to fuck off.
Howard didn't know why she was going on about this stuff. He said that they don't have her up to New York that often because they don't fly up, they end up driving up and her mother has to take time off of work to do that.
Wendy's third message was her crying again and saying that he never cared about her. She told Howard he was a fat ass fuck. Howard said he's not fat and said that he's gotten himself into shape over the years. He told Gary to send her a signed picture of him for her. In the next message Wendy was crying again and saying that it's fine if he doesn't care about her, just leave her alone and let her go back to not being able to afford anything. She said that she hates him in that message.
Howard had Wendy on the phone and she apologized for the messages. She said that she was aggravated because of some problems they had down there in Florida. She said they had some septic tank problems and other stuff. Her mother is tired of asking for money from her father. She said that they don't have a stove and they have all kinds of other problems. Howard said that maybe if they didn't order Pizza Hut they'd have some money. Wendy said that she has to pay half the rent and some of it goes to the bills. Howard told her to stop making phone calls.
Wendy said that they have 3 kids there to feed. She said that she babysits her brother's kids and she doesn't get paid to do that. Howard said it sounds like the family is cheap, not him. Wendy said that her brother is on work release but he doesn't get home until Sunday. She said that he violated probation or something and that's why she's watching this kid. She also watches her sister's kid.
Artie said it sounds like her brother was married to her sister but Howard figured that it was a sister-in-law. It was funnier when Wendy was saying that her brother and sister were married and their kids were retarded. Howard said that maybe they can play a game with her and give her some money.
Howard asked Wendy how many shits she's taking every day. She said that she takes maybe 6 a day. Artie laughed and said ''How lady like...'' when he heard that. He also found out that she has the splats when she goes. That made him laugh even more. Howard asked her what she wipes with. She said that she uses baby wipes and takes a shower if she has to. She said that her underwear gets stained as well. Artie was laughing hysterically over that. He said that it was the funniest thing ever. He asked if she ever shits on her socks and she said yes to that. Artie was laughing really hard when he got those answers from her.
Howard told Wendy he was going to play a game with her and give her $500 if she could answer some questions. The prize was courtesy of the Man Groomer. Howard asked her how many shits she would have left if she took 6 and the dog ate two. She said there would be four and got it right. Howard said that was it, she won $500. Wendy then started talking about her boyfriend and how she met him at the bowling alley. She said that he's already cheating on her.
Artie asked Wendy if she's ever shit at the bowling alley. Wendy said she has and then told a story about bowling last week. She said that she had a number 2 coming out so she had to put the ball down and run to the bathroom. She ran there and didn't make it to the toilet, the shit fell on the floor and then she had to clean it up. Howard asked her some questions about that and then asked her what her score was. Artie got a few more laughs from that story. Howard wrapped up with her and was about to let her go when Artie asked her if she ever misses the toilet at home. She said she does and then her mother yells at her and hits her over the head until she cleans it up.
Howard told Wendy that this boyfriend of hers isn't really a boyfriend. She said that he was asking her to change her hair the first day he met her. She said that he is retarded and she has kissed him. Howard asked Wendy why she thinks it is that the people in this country can't find this country on a map. Her answer was no dumber than the chick who was on the Miss Teen USA pageant show.
Artie asked Wendy if she ever trims her big bush down below. She said she does and she also gets shit in her bush down there. She said she'll take a shower or a bath or wipe it with baby wipes when she does that. Artie started laughing again. Howard let Wendy go and said that if Artie was working at Creedmore he'd probably just be laughing at the patients.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he can't believe that Howard hasn't seen the Bionic Woman yet. Howard said he'll be watching tonight. The caller said he thought it was good but didn't want to spoil anything for him. That led to a discussion about this Justice League of America movie that's being made. Howard talked about that and let the caller go a short time later.
Another caller said that Bubba's show is a lot different than it was when he was on terrestrial radio. He said that Bubba comes off as a phony because he used to bad mouth Howard so much. Howard said they've been over that already. He said that he's been over it a bunch of times and Bubba has shown that he's a team player and he's on their side. Howard let the caller go and then got back to the Wendy stuff.
Howard said that Richard called Wendy after she left those messages and she was fine with everything like she'd forgotten about it all. Richard asked Wendy the Retarded Question of the Week which was about the world being flat or round. Wendy thinks it's flat. Gary the Retard said he thinks that it's round and flat. He said it's round when you look in the sky and flat when you look at the ground and finished up by saying ''It's both you retard.''
Howard talked about the band Ratt because they had played their ''Round and Round'' song at the end of the retard question thing.
Howard said that it's kind of funny that it's not all that crazy for someone to think that the world is flat, that's what people used to think many years ago. A phone caller told Howard that they have to give Wendy a show of her own. Howard brought up the shit stories and how awful it must be taking six a day. He wondered if she gets turds in her vagina. Robin said that she's not only doing that but she's bowling and shitting too.
Howard said he doesn't have anything against Mark and if he stopped being friends with everyone who ripped him off, he'd have no friends. Artie said he was influenced by Howard a lot when he was getting into show business. He said he's sued over a couple of shows that have ripped him off over the years but he doesn't do it that much.
Ralph said he can't see why Howard stays friendly with guys like Cronin. Howard said that people would call him a baby if he keeps crying about that stuff. He said that the new show with the models is the one that's bothering him. It's something very similar to what they've done on the show.
Ralph talked about how naturally the stuff comes to Howard while the other guys don't do it all that well. Robin said that the thing is that these people pick and choose the stuff they do and then end up in the mainstream doing the lighter stuff.
Howard said that some of the shows really piss him off, like the Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader show because his father actually enjoys watching it. Howard went through some of the other shows that have ripped him off over the years and talked to the guys about that stuff.
Howard was going to let Ralph go but then told a story about how he was signing up there at SIRIUS when someone suggested that he go to Iraq to entertain the troops. He said that they were going to check into that for him but he didn't want to go. His agent thought it was a great idea so he told him that maybe he should go over there for him.
Howard asked Steve if he had anything else. Steve said that they checked into Jim Florentine's Myspace page and found that he's listed as ''In a Relationship.'' That got Howard asking about Robin's relationship with Jim. Robin admitted that she may have gone out on a date with him. Howard asked if they're in the beginning stages of dating. She said that they're not in any relationship. Howard said that Jim thinks that they're in a relationship. He asked if Robin has kissed him yet. Robin said that's not up for discussion. She said that maybe he's in a relationship with someone else.
Robin said that maybe Jim has had that listed for a while now. They didn't check his page before then. Howard asked if Jim had touched her titties. She said no to that. Howard asked what was so embarrassing about dating Jimmy. She said that it wasn't embarrassing. She said she's not with any guy right now.
Robin said that Jim has picked her up at her house before. That was news. Shuli came in a short time later and said that everyone was running around like crazy after hearing this news. Shuli said that she is killing their show Miserable Men. Jim isn't talking about certain things now. She said that must be because he's in a relationship. Shuli said he asked Jim if they had gone on a date and Jim changed the subject.
The guys asked Robin a bunch of questions but she wasn't giving them many details. Artie said that Jim is so against those Broadway plays but Howard said that he'd probably go with Robin if she asked.
Steve got back to his report and wrapped up his report. Jon Hein then came in and said they'll talk about Jerry Rice's visit and also Steve-O's visit. They'll also be talking about the Sal the Stockbroker stuff that went down earlier in the morning.
Howard asked Artie a quick question and wondered if Jim could get more money now that he's gone out with Robin. Artie said that he could probably get double what he gets immediately.
Steve the Intern had an Intern Show update. He said that they're going to be talking about Kevin winning his copy of Halo 3 last week. They'll also talk about the interns who have been getting the celebrity releases lately.
Robin got into her news and brought up a bunch of various stories. The guys spent some time talking about the XM/SIRIUS merger when that came up in the news. They also talked about a recall on some ground beef that has been recalled for E. coli like they were talking about early this morning.
Robin also read a story about a boy who somehow survived while holding onto the wing of a plane for two hours in sub-freezing cold. She also brought up a story about the WWE offering to pay for drug and alcohol abuse counseling for former employees.
Ralph called in and said that the last story was ridiculous with a kid holding on to a plane wing for two hours. He said that story had to be fake. Robin said it was on the AP Wire so she thinks it's real. Howard let Ralph go and Robin got back to her news. Howard said that unbelievable things do happen, did anyone ever think Robin would date Jimmy? Robin ignored that and got back into her news.
Robin read stories about Anna Nicole's son's death being investigated again. Howard and Artie were doing impressions of an old tape of Orson Wells that they've played on the show. Fred ended up playing the clip where Orson was asked to do one more take and he gives the guy a hard time about the whole thing. The engineer says he heard a ''gonk'' from outside and wanted to do another take. Then Orson asks to speak to some woman by the name of Mrs. Rogers.
Fred also played a William Shatner recording session where the engineer asks him to be more lively. Shatner goofs on the guy and asks him to do it the way he wants him to do it. Shatner goofs on the guy and does the read really poorly. They had some fun with those clips and then Robin got back to her news.
Robin read through a couple more stories and then Howard took a call from Hanzi who asked to come into the studio sometime. Howard said he could give him a copy of Halo 3 if he wanted it. Hanzi said he already had it. Howard told him he could come in then. He put him on hold so they could set him up with a visit. Artie said he heard that he's a fat Asian guy and they don't see many of them so it might be kind of fun to have him in. Howard tried to ask him if he was a fat Asian but he was already gone.
Robin talked about some new TV shows that are starting up this week like the ''Bionic Woman'' and ''Back to You'' with Kelsey Grammer. Howard said he thought that ''Back to You'' was pretty funny. Robin also talked about Ashton Kutcher marrying Demi Moore and spent a short time on that story.
Artie said that he's got another show coming up for the NY Comedy Festival is allowing him to do a second show since his first show sold out in ''eleven seconds.'' Check out NYComedyFestival.com for more info. Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
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Howard started off the show talking about how busy he was with TV last night. He said he watched The Bionic Woman and thought it was very good. He said it was a really, really good show. He liked that they had the chick who plays Starbuck in Battlestar Galactica on that show. He said she was looking sexy all made up. He said the show looks good with a potential to get even better.
He said he also watched The Biggest Loser from the other night. He had that recorded, it wasn't on last night. He was also saying that he watched Dancing with the Stars and they kicked off Josie Maran. He said those people are stupid for voting off the hot chick. He said on The Biggest Loser they don't show the work outs they're doing and they can't be very hard because they only lose a few pounds. He said they lose a ton the first week but then they stop for a while and then drop off a ton toward the end. Howard said that the women on The Biggest Loser are put into belly shirts so you can see their fat.
Melrose Larry Green called in and said that he's upset about what Ralph said about Jimmy Kimmel. Howard said that Ralph does kind of rail against Jimmy a bit when he calls in. He doesn't get to see Jimmy's show all that much himself so he's not sure what he's doing wrong.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Steve-O was good yesterday and all of those Jackass guys are good when they come on the show. Howard said that Steve-O was in the paper today over that interview yesterday. The story about Lindsay Lohan taking his ''boog suge'' from him one night was the subject of some tabloid stories. Howard said that's what Steve-O was looking for.
The caller told Robin that he wanted to go down on her but she didn't seem interested not knowing what the guy looked like. Howard told the guy to send in a picture of himself and let him go.
Another caller told Howard he just wanted to thank him for all the years of good shows. He also asked Robin how Jim Florentine's dong is. The guy was also asking Artie how the heroin is. Howard cut him off and said that was going nowhere.
Artie said the Yankees are coming back and doing really well all of a sudden after a turbulent season. Gary said that no one is watching them now anyway. The two of them went back and forth arguing about their favorite teams. Gary said that things are so bad right now that he doesn't care about the Yankees, only about how the Mets are doing. Howard said that he has to care because if the Yanks make it and the Mets don't, that's going to bother him.
Gary said he saw a bad sign this morning when he came in and saw an armless midget outside the building wearing a Mets cap. Howard heard that and said they have to get that guy up there. He said he'd love to meet an armless midget. Gary said that the guy asked to be on the show and he asked the guy ''why?'' as if he were just some regular dude. Howard wondered how he can sign a release to get on the air if he doesn't have any arms.
Gary got back to his Mets stories and that led to Howard and Artie telling him that he's basically setting his son up for disappointment making him a Mets fan. Howard told Gary he should have made his son a Yankee fan. Gary said that he hates when Artie throws out those gay Mets fan jokes. He said they're just stupid but Howard said they're funny.
Gary said that Artie throws those jokes out during the Wrap Up Show and he really gets angry with him. Artie said that Gary gets visibly angry when he throws those jokes out there. Howard asked Artie what he'd do if he had a son and he was a Mets fan. Artie said that he'd probably put cigarettes out on him if he was a Mets fan. He was just joking of course.
A caller asked if he could win tickets to see Artie doing the Pat Cooper roast. Howard didn't have any to give away so he gave him a copy of Halo 3 instead. The guy wanted to play a game to win it even though he didn't have to. He asked Artie what hotel franchise The Who was banned from. Holiday Inn was the answer but Artie didn't know the answer. Howard didn't get the question so Fred had to explain it to him. Howard said that's fucked up anyway and they should have been banned for trashing rooms and stuff. He said that he won't listen to The Who just based on that story alone. He said that the Holiday Inn didn't do anything wrong to them and they can't just trash rooms for no reason.
Howard thought that the caller was going to request that he sing that song that he played yesterday about Beth. Howard went into the song and sang it for the caller. He knew the lyrics a little better today. He said the song was still awful though. He played the original version by the guy who wrote it. He had a whiny little voice according to Howard.
Johnny told Howard that he has one arm that's bent at a weird angle. Howard wondered how he wipes his ass. Johnny said he has to ball up the paper and drag his ass on the ground to wipe it. He wasn't kidding either. The guy also said that when he blows a load he can't clean it up so he just leaves it.
Johnny told a story about taking advantage of a woman one time and the guys were kind of surprised that he could do such a thing. Howard had him taking his hat off and putting it back on with his feet. Johnny said that he wore the Mets hat just to get Artie to go off on him but he was being quiet over there.
Howard asked Johnny if he gets angry when people who are pretty normal kill themselves. Johnny said he doesn't know what kind of problems they have in their lives so he can't really say anything against that. Artie asked Johnny how old he is because he doesn't look that old. Johnny said he's 29 years old.
Howard asked Johnny about this chick he had. Johnny said that he didn't rape her or anything. He said that he felt kind of bad and he didn't want to leave a load inside of her. He said that he actually wasn't able to finish with her. Johnny said that he's not gay but his life would be different if he was. He said that he has gay guys come on to him and they don't seem to have the same issues that women do.
Howard asked Johnny about who takes his clothes off for him and stuff like that. Johnny said that he does all of that stuff himself. He said he's able to flex enough to do all of that himself. He kept mentioning that he has jokes that he's written about this stuff so Artie asked him if he wanted to do a gig with him. He said he'd give him a job. Johnny didn't answer him.
Johnny told Howard that he does his own shaving with his feet and brushes his teeth with his feet. He said he can even pick his nose with his feet. Howard wanted to see that so he asked him to do it. He sat down and picked his nose real quick. Johnny said that's easy. The wiping of his ass isn't so easy and he tries not to do that in public. He seemed to have a very positive attitude though and seems to be happy that he's alive.
Howard asked Johnny about the chick he was with and what position they did it in. Johnny said that they were in a bunch of positions. Howard asked him to show how he drinks water. He said he has a couple of methods of opening the bottle. He uses his teeth at home and out in public he can usually twist it off with a little work. He got the cap off very quickly.
Gary asked Johnny if he worries about getting sick from using his feet so much. Howard said he's probably not worried about that, he's got other things he's more concerned with. Howard had him show how he drinks the water so he demonstrated that very quickly.
Johnny talked about going to school and how when he went to one school the kids didn't goof on him because they were shown a movie about kids who are like him. When he went to another school, where the kids were learning disabled, the kids there goofed on him. He said that there have been people who have threatened to beat him up too. He said just recently there was a guy who threatened to beat him up because he thought he looked like the Taliban.
Johnny talked about his stand-up act and how some people are jealous of him because he has a gimmick. Artie said that those open mic shows are awful.
Johnny told Howard that he plays chess so Howard asked him about that. Johnny said that he's at about a 1400 score but he's been up to 1650. Howard told him to join the site he's on and play against him. Johnny said he wants to play on a free site, not on a pay site like Howard does. He said that it's a scam.
Howard asked Artie if he's really going to give him a gig. Artie said that he'd do it. Johnny said that if Artie wants to sabotage his own comedy show, he'll do it. He told Howard that he had to thank him because he's helped him prepare for this comedy stuff he does.
Howard wrapped up with Johnny and said they'll see him at one of Artie's shows. Johnny said that if they ever want him to do Superfan or screen calls or something, he's up for it. Artie went into a game where he asked ''Who would you rather be, this guy or...?'' He asked if they'd rather be him or High Pitch Eric. The guys talked about how retarded Eric is and how they'd rather be Johnny. Then Jeff the Vomit guy came up. Everyone wanted to be Johnny. Jeff the Drunk's name came up, everyone picked Johnny except for Artie. Artie said that he'd rather be Jeff. They said that this guy can wipe his ass better than Jeff and he doesn't even have any arms. Artie changed his mind and said that he'd rather be Johnny then.
Artie told Johnny that he has a perfect gig for him to do. Johnny said that he's never flown before so he doesn't want to do that. Artie told him he can drive then. He said that flying sucks anyway. He told him he can give him $500 to do this show on October 5th up at the Hampton's Beach Casino up in New Hampshire. Johnny said that if the Mets make it into the Playoffs, he doesn't want to do the gig. He'd rather stay home and watch the game.
Artie was going to give the guy $500 to do the show and he was basically turning it down. He thought that Artie would back him up in this whole thing and he'd get why he wanted to see the Mets in the playoffs. Johnny said he knows that Howard is right but he was trying to get a rise out of Artie.
Artie told Howard that this crowd is going to be a Red Sox crowd so that should be funny. Johnny said that they're not going to hate him, they're going to hate Artie. Howard wrapped up with Johnny and let him go after that. He said they'll find out if he's funny after he does that show up there in New Hampshire.
Howard said he had to take a break and he was going to try and figure out what was on Amy Winehouse's head. He said he's never seen a rat's nest on someone's head like that. He said she's really weird and odd but that song she has is really good. That led to them talking about her father saying that she and her boyfriend have a bad drug problem and they really need to get some help. Howard said that chick is one hard core bitch.
Gary was in the studio and said that they had written this proposal to do a show very similar to what he's doing. Mark said that America's Most Smartest Model isn't all about the same stuff that they do on the show though. Gary asked if they're actually looking for the smartest chick or are they mocking them. Mark said that the winner has to outsmart the others and has to beat out everyone else. Howard and Gary said that the show is all about goofing on the people who aren't so smart though. Mark told Howard that when he walked away from the Channel 9 show, he was out of work and this is all he knows how to do.
Gary asked Mark if he got the idea to have Flavor Flav do his own show from listening to this show. Mark said that wasn't the case as far as he know. Howard said that no one else had Flavor Flav on their show, he was the one who put him on and he thinks that's how Mark found him. Mark said that's not how he remembers it.
Howard said that Mark even asked Beth to host this model show of his. Mark said that's the kind of person he was looking for to host the show. Howard thinks he was trying to get his girlfriend don the show so it would kind of validate the show. Mark said that Howard was part of his formative years and he can't help doing the kind of shows he's doing.
Mark told Howard that he gets some of his ideas from past shows too. He said that Win Fred's Money is just Win Ben Stein's Money. Howard said that's true and he's up front about that. He said that he's not trying to pass that off as a TV show though, it's just a bit they do on the show.
Gary asked Mark if he's in that crazy money place now because he's produced a bunch of hit shows for VH-1. Mark said that he is up there. He's been very successful with the shows he's been producing for them. Mark said that they make money selling the show here and over seas and DVDs. Fred figured that Mark is going to have the Armless Midget Show next.
Howard asked Mark where Brett Michaels came up with the Butt Bongo thing. Mark said that Brett claimed to have done that on albums back in 1989. He said that he didn't want to have Brett doing that on his show and asked him not to but he went ahead and did it. The guys talked about some of the shows that Mark has worked on and how his show ideas are getting ripped off too. Howard thanked Mark for calling and let him go. Mark gave him a ''Jeez...'' as Howard was hanging up on him. Howard said that Mark is making a lot of money doing those shows.
Howard let that caller go and said he had a ton of stuff to get to. He had Lisa G come in since she was waiting outside. She said that it was 2 years ago this weekend that the two Howard Stern Channels went live. Howard said he thought it was 3 years ago. That's not the case though, it was just 2 years ago.
Lisa said that they spoke to Scott the Engineer about his operation this week. Howard said he spoke to his wife about it too and they had to do an extra big operation because Scott waited so long to have the surgery. He said that Scott is in pain and he can't walk because of this operation. He said he spoke to Scott and he was telling him how much pain he's in. He's taking Oxycotin and that's not even numbing the pain, it just makes him sleepy.
Howard said he told Scott that he misses him around there but he was full of shit when he told him that. Scott really appreciated hearing that but Howard claims he was lying. Artie told Scott that if he wants to make some extra scratch, he should bring in that Oxycotin. He then claimed that he wouldn't take that stuff. He said that it's basically Hillbilly Heroin to quote Rush Limbaugh. He said that would probably lead to him getting back on heroin.
Lisa said that Jason and Will have another story about Sal enrolling in acting classes. Howard said that he was listening to Sal on the Wrap Up Show and he really comes across as an idiot. He explained the story that Jason had told on this Page 69 report and Sal was so dumb that he was both denying and confirming the story that Jason had told. He said that Sal doesn't even know that he's doing it.
Howard played some audio of Sal explaining what he did and he was going around in circles explaining what he had done and trying to defend himself against what Jason had said about him. He said he was trying to find Seth McFarlane's e-mail address but didn't tell Jason he had to give it to him. Artie said that Sal was basically just admitting to have done what they accused him of doing but also saying he didn't do it.
Howard said that Seth McFarlane isn't going to pay any attention to an e-mail from Sal unless he mentions he's from the Howard Stern Show. Artie said that the whole thing was really weird. He said that Sal trying to get a job on Entourage was weird because he just wanted to teach him a lesson.
Howard heard that Sal and Richard were arguing over the leaking of the acting class story. He said they were fighting out there in the studio. Richard came in and said that he thought it was funny that Sal was taking acting classes. Sal said that he told Richard that story in confidence and that's what upset him. Richard said that Sal had a consultation and the woman in the class didn't want her name mentioned. She was Jackie's acting teacher according to Sal. He said that he thinks he's going to quit today. That led to the guys doing impressions of Jackie and goofing on his acting abilities.
Sal said he feels like such a douche now that all of this stuff has come out. Howard told him that's because he is a douche. Richard said that Sal gave him permission to tell this story. Sal denied doing that. Howard said that Sal had asked for them to do a ''traction'' on the story from Page 69 yesterday. Howard had him repeating the ''traction'' thing over and over again while Artie laughed at his comments. Sal said he wants Jason to go on the air and give a traction for the story. Howard kept him going on that and Jason came in and told him that they have a ''no traction'' policy for Page 69. Sal said that he had plenty of traction on the show. Artie said that this is becoming a classic bit right now.
Howard kept asking Sal about the traction thing and Sal didn't get that he was being goofed on. He was talking to Howard as if it was a real term. Artie kept laughing whenever Sal would say the word and he still didn't get that he wasn't using the right word. Howard and Artie were both laughing and asked Richard if he even knows why this is funny. Sal was about to walk out of the studio because he thought they were goofing on him about something else. He still didn't know it was the ''traction'' thing.
Richard said that maybe he was wrong for doing this to Sal and maybe he should give him some ''traction.'' Howard asked Sal if he wants Jason to come in and give him some ''traction.'' Sal kept using the term over and over again so Howard asked him if he went to college. He said he went to Suffolk Community for a year. Artie said that this is even better than KC's ''Serenading meat'' segment. Sal still didn't get it even after all of the goofing. Artie told him that he was part of maybe one of the funniest bits on the show. He still didn't grasp the whole idea that he was being goofed on over the traction thing.
Richard told Sal that he's going to give a traction for him. Sal said that he's never going to ask for stupid shit like that again. Richard knew why this was so funny and brought up the traction thing himself. Artie told Sal that it's not ''attraction, it's traction'' so Sal was saying it as ''traction''' and assuming that Howard was going to goof on the way he was saying the word.
Howard asked Sal if he wants traction or not. Sal said he doesn't want any traction from Jason or from anyone else. He said he doesn't need one from the NY Times or anyone else. Jason said that he's going to give Sal his traction today. Howard wanted the fans to all agree that they were never going to tell Sal what was so funny about this segment. Sal said that he doesn't want a traction from anyone and that's it. That was the end of that.
Richard said that he was insulted that they had to ask him if he knew what was going on. Artie said that this should be the final segment of the show forever. He said that they should just end the show and Howard's career right now because it can't get better than this. A phone caller told Sal that snow tires are what give traction, not a radio show. A couple of callers said that this was the best Sal segment ever. Howard agreed. He had to go to break a short time later.
Another caller almost explained what was going on but Howard cut him off so Sal wouldn't hear it. Another caller explained how guys beat Howard in chess online by playing an online game with a program. Howard said that he doesn't think that's the case with everyone but there are some people who cheat. He said that's crazy to do that because you're supposed to be trying to learn the game. The caller also asked to give a plug for his friend's band. Howard said that it's not going to make a difference because if they're shitty, they're always going to be shitty.
Howard said that Valentina Vaughn is there and she's there to talk about how she's back in the business after quitting for a while. He had her come in after that. He said that she should have called him and asked about leaving the business to get a real job. Valentina said that she's going to call him about everything from now on. He was saying that she failed at getting a real job but she said that's not true. She said she was a bartender and she was very good at pouring drinks. She said that it was actually cocktail waitressing. She said that she got bored doing that and doing go go dancing. She wasn't stripping but it was like stripping.
Howard asked Valentina why she would even want to get out of the business of getting naked. She said that it was the boyfriend. She said that it was the guilt in that. She said that it was the douche bag bartender boyfriend she had that made her stop.
Howard said he heard that the boyfriend was crying about her being in the business. Valentina said that he did cry a lot and he was very emotional. She said that she was very good to him and tried to be reassuring. She said that she was too honest and let him get to her.
Valentina went out and got her real estate license. She didn't sell any homes because the market is so bad. She said that didn't work out and the bartending thing didn't work out either. Howard said that was like failing at what she was trying. Valentina said that she had never had a real job before in her life so this was the first time she ever did. She said that she went out to get a regular job and that's what she did for a short time. She said that she walked away from the porn business for a year and then got bored.
Valentina said that it was a nice change for her to get out of the business for a while. She said that she appreciates what she does now even more than she did before.
Howard had six questions for Valentina about the real estate business. He was going to give her a plug for each question she got right. For each one she got wrong, she had to get spanked on the RoboSpanker. Valentina said that she wasn't going to remember the stuff she learned.
Howard said he went to Scores with Valentina one time but she didn't put out much. He said that she was getting frisky with Ralph though. She didn't know who Ralph even was though. Howard asked her what she's doing for Penthouse and stuff and threw out a mention of her web site (ValentinaVaughn.com) so Howard told her she had to get spanked since she wasn't supposed to plug anything yet. She got on the RoboSpanker and got whacked a few times but she wasn't feeling it. Will gave her a wack on the ass with his hand and she felt that.
Howard asked Valentina to give him the two types of mortgages. Fixed and AM were the two he was looking for but she didn't know. Will then spanked her ass 5 times. He gave her some color on her ass by doing that. Howard told her that if she gets this next one wrong, Artie is going to spank her and she has to take some clothes off. Artie said he's not sure if he could get up right then.
Howard asked what A.R.M. Stands for. She said ''Annual Rate Mortgage'' but it was actually ''Adjustable Rate Mortgage.'' Artie got up and went over to spank her. He had to bend over since he had a bit of a hard on going. Howard said he had one going too from looking at her. He talked about how hot she was looking and then had Artie spank her. He gave her a bunch of good whacks that sounded pretty hard. Howard said she was looking at him the whole time she was getting spanked and she had a really sexy look on her face. Artie said that she always does those sexy little moves and she doesn't even know she's doing them.
Howard asked Valentina about being with a woman. She said that she gets why guys have a hard time with girls because she saw how aggressive girls can be and how intimidating it can be. She said that this woman was kissing her and tonguing her in the kitchen at this party they were at. They went swimming and she went in with just a g-string on. She said that the guys at the party didn't really care that they were out in the pool topless. She said that she ended up sleeping in the same bed as this other chick even though her boyfriend was there passed out somewhere.
Valentina said that she did everything to the other chick, that chick didn't do everything to her. She said that this was the first time she was attracted to a woman in her personal life. Howard wanted to know more about the story and asked about her sleeping in the same bed. She said that she did some stuff to the other chick but the other chick just spooned her. Artie asked the guys if anyone else was going to faint.
Howard got back to the Real Estate questions and said she had to take her top off if she got the next one wrong. Artie was going to do the spanking again. She had to be topless and get spanked 10 times this time. She was then asked what title insurance is. She said it was house insurance. Howard said she was wrong and sent Artie over there. Artie said he didn't think he could get up. He told Howard to let Benjy do it.
Howard told Valentina to take her top off. She hesitated a little bit arguing that he was cheating but took it off a short time later. Howard then had the RoboSpanker do the work this time. She was laughing while it was spanking her 10 times.
Howard told Valentina that the next question was going to get her panties off. She wanted to do it slower but Gary said if they went any slower he was going to die. JD offered to do the spanking, so did Doug Goodstein. Howard said that JD could do it. He told Valentina that she didn't get any plugs yet but she threw another one out for her web site.
JD came in and Howard asked Valentina if she had ever heard of DaBadAss because that's JD's online name. JD said ''Sup?'' to her when he met her. Artie got a laugh from that. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was having a heart attack listening to this. Jeff the Drunk called in and asked if she likes taking it up the ass. She said that she loves it but then said that she likes to have a finger up there during sex. Howard said that he's good at putting a finger up an ass.
Howard asked Valentina what an escrow is. She knew the answer for that so Howard had to give her some plugs. He asked her to spell it first. She spelled it correctly so Howard said she could get 10 plugs but also had to get spanked 10 times by JD with her bottoms off. Valentina went over and got ready and Howard said that JD's head was going to explode. JD said that he was trying to remain cool. Valentina wondered how she got naked so fast. Howard thought it had taken too long.
Howard told JD to go ahead and spank Valentina. He was going to give her 10 in a row but Valentina wanted a plug after each one. Howard gave her a plug for her web site ValentinaVaughn.com. JD then spanked her again. They gave her a plug after each one. JD would then whack her ass. They did that about 10 times. She wanted four more plugs later but Howard told her that she had to get spanked before each plug. Valentina asked what would happen if she punched JD in the face after he hit her. Artie warned her that he'd probably explode in her face if she did that. JD gave her a few more spanks and she got in the rest of her plugs. Artie even threw in a plug for his web site Artie-Lange.com after that.
Howard asked Valentina some questions about what her sex life has been like lately. She said that she broke up with the boyfriend and then went out with a rebound guy. She said that guy was kind of a dick but he was good in bed.
Howard asked Valentina if she ever just looks at her own nipples and wonders why they're so perfect. He said that if he was her he'd just masturbate while looking at himself all day long. She said she does masturbate quite a bit.
Howard gave Valentina a plug for the Penthouse magazine she's going to be in later this year. He talked to her about the porn stuff and she was saying that she really doesn't want to do movies where she has to do guys. Howard told her that she should just marry a rich guy and fleece him. She said that she's not into that and she's only attracted to jobless guys who have no career. Howard said that's right because she ignored him and went with Ralph at Scores.
Gary said that they thought she was going to be fun at Scores but she turned out to be very quiet and just sat in a corner the whole time. She said that's not the case, she went around and danced and talked to everyone.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and knocked everyone's boners down. Howard hung up on her and didn't have much else to say to her. He said that he didn't know what else to say to her but he couldn't stop looking at her. He eventually asked her if guys have ever offered her money to sleep with them. She said that she has never done that but guys have offered her money. She said that she doesn't know. She said she doesn't listen to guys who do that. She said she just ignores them so she doesn't know what they've offered her.
Valentina said that she likes to pole dance but they don't have poles in a lot of clubs. Gary said that they used to have a portable pole and he was going to try and find it. They found the pole within a minute or so. They pulled the pole out and they were going to hold it up for her so she could do some pole dancing. Howard told Gary to put on a mask so no one would be distracted by his face. He put on a wrestling mask.
Valentina requested some music so Fred played that for her as she did her pole dances. Howard said that she's really good and people should subscribe to Howard TV so they can see this. Gary said that she has a great move where she puts her butt cheeks right up against the pole. Artie said that it was like Gary's bachelor party. He also congratulated her for being very sexy to the worst song of all time.
Artie said that he's going to be on ValentinaVaughn.com all weekend long even though he doesn't know how to use a computer. Howard wrapped up with her a short time later. He gave her some more plugs and Artie offered to bump the midget guest they had in earlier if she wanted to make an appearance at his comedy show. She had no idea what he was talking about. Valentina said that she would actually go to the show, she has nothing going on in October. Artie told her to come on up to New Hampshire then. She kind of laughed that off though. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard played a clip from the show where they were talking about the emotional friend and how they could become something more. Howard said that Sal's wife had an emotional friend and that's one of the things that they're trying to work through in their marriage. Robin said that she had an emotional friend and she thinks that it was cheating even though she never got physical with him.
Sal said that what hurts on top of all of that is that he paid for everything that his wife was doing with this other guy. Howard asked Sal when they're doing the Dr. Keith Ablow thing. Sal said they're doing it on Monday. Gary said that it's scheduled for Monday at 7:30. He also said that when he called Sal's wife to ask about doing this, she told him that she doesn't think that Sal can take it. She's fine with everything that happened. Howard said that he's so excited about that segment that he's going to sit there until Monday morning.
Sal said that his life was screwed up and he'll never be the same again. Howard said that it would be great to get that emotional friend on the line and talk to him during that segment. Howard created the conversation and Artie played the friend as if he were Henry Hill. He was doing his Henry impression and laughing after telling Howard that he and Sal's wife didn't do anything physical.
Sal was laughing and said that he has to laugh or else he'd kill himself. Howard continued going with Artie and had some fun asking him about the emotional friend stuff. Artie threw in the ''143'' stuff and joked that it didn't mean ''I Love You'' it actually means ''I Miss You.'' Sal told Mr. 143 that he could keep her if he wanted. Artie was joking around about having her sucking his dick while she was complaining about her husband being an asshole.
Artie was also throwing in some jokes about the whole ''traction'' thing they did earlier in the show. Howard kept going with Artie for a few minutes and continued to goof on the situation. Artie was throwing in all kinds of jokes about this emotional friend of Sal's wife. He kept throwing in blow job references and stuff like that.
Howard said that on Monday they're going to have Sal and Christine getting some therapy. Artie laughed and goofed on him for trying to get therapy in this circus of a studio.
Hook Nose Mike called in and asked how anyone could trust their money with Sal. Howard interrupted that and said that the Valentina Vaughn pictures are up on HowardStern.com.
Mike thanked Howard for the Valentina Vaughn interview. He said that they really need to get that up on Howard TV tonight. Howard asked when that will be up. Gary said that they're going to have it up tomorrow night. Artie was still doing the emotional friend thing while Howard was talking to Mike. Howard told Sal they know that it was just an emotional thing and she didn't have anything physical going on. Howard asked Sal if he wanted a ''traction'' for this stuff. Sal said he didn't want one for that. Howard gave him a traction anyway. He said that he hopes that Sal and Christine have a good session with Dr. Keith Ablow on Monday. He said that was his traction for Sal.
Hook Nose Mike got in a plug for a radio show he's going to be doing on Saturday nights at SyndicateRadio.tv. Howard said he wonders what it must be like to do radio where no one listens.
Howard said that David is seeing Tai Babalonia and that's been going on for a few years now. David said that it's been 4 years and he thinks that it's going to keep going. He's very confident about that. Howard asked him if she's good in bed from being an athlete. He said that she really is as long as she doesn't wear the skates in bed.
David said that he used to ice skate as a kid and figured that it would be like riding a bicycle. He figured he could do it no problem. He went out on the ice to skate with her and he said that his ankles didn't remember how to skate, but his ass did. He said that he was going to take skating lessons to learn how to do it the right way. He said he was skating from about 1 in the morning until 3. He said he did that and then went skating with her and she was amazed that it had come back to him.
Howard asked David how he reacted to the death of Johnny Carson. He wondered if he cried. David said that he doesn't cry much. when he was a kid he cried so much that he actually cried blood from bursting blood vessels. He told Howard about that and then Howard told him about how he cried when his mother fell at his home recently. David said that he didn't cry over Johnny Carson but he did get very upset. Johnny gave him his big break and that's how he was able to have this career he had. Howard said he didn't like the way Johnny treated comedians. He said that he doesn't like the way he made people leave if they weren't funny enough. He only did that to comedians, not to any other guests.
Howard asked David about this engagement with Tai Babalonia. David said that he's never been engaged before so this is new for him. He said that anything could happen with him though so he's not even sure if they'll ever get married.
Howard asked David what comedians he thinks steals from him. David said that David Spade and Robin Williams did stuff that he's done before. He said that Williams likes to interpret other people's material and he'd like to steal His car and tell the cops that he's just ''interpreting'' the car. David said that his son has seen some of his material being done by other comedians and he'll tell him about that. He said that he doesn't want to hear it though because he knows that he can create new stuff faster than other people can steal it.
David talked about some of these comedians who can't create stuff. He said that there are some comics who can use profanity in their act and kill, then they go on The Tonight Show and still kill. There are others who can't do that. He said that Richard Pryor and Chris Rock are the two that were able to do both.
Howard asked David who he thinks is funny. He said he doesn't follow comedians these days but his son turned him on to this guy Mitch Hedberg and he thought he was great. It was too late for him to get in touch with him though, because he was dead. Howard said he can't believe he discovered a comedian and he was dead.
David talked about this marriage he had and how that went bad. He said that he got married and six months later it was like he woke up in bed with her evil twin. Robin told him that Howard is getting married so David asked him about that. Howard said that they don't have a date yet. David said he doesn't either.
David said that his ex-wife didn't know that he didn't eat shrimp and they had been together for 12 years! She had made something for lunch one day and asked him if he wanted some. It was shrimp dish and he had to remind her that he didn't eat shrimp. Howard said that's a pretty major mistake to make. David said he knew it was over at that point. He said he was fine with the word ''shrim'' but as soon as the ''P'' came out, he knew it was over.
Howard remembered one of David's relationships and how he ended it after she called his apartment ''our'' apartment. Howard remembered seeing David's reaction to her comment that day. Howard said she was hot too. David said that he always had good looking women. He didn't go for the really famous chicks though.
David explained how he was going out with one chick years ago and she told him that he never asked her what she does for a living. He said that he really doesn't like personal questions. He told her he thought that she could be a model, teacher, actress or something like that. She told him that she was a mortician. She said that she got the job because some guy told her that she could never do that job. David said that he couldn't stay with her after he found that out. He said that he had gone out with her for six months and didn't know what she did for a living. Once he knew, he was too creeped out by the job to stay with her.
Howard pointed out how David really doesn't seem to care about personal details about the people he's friends with. David said that he just doesn't get very personal with them. He said he had a friend who told him he found his father on skid-row. He said he didn't know the guy's father was even gone.
David was telling Howard about some of the nightmares he's had with custody battles and stuff like that. Howard wondered why that is. David said that women are very spiteful. He said that one second they'd push the kid out of the way of a bus to save him and the next they'd throw that kid in front of the bus just to spite a man in their life. He said that he's not just generalizing, he's saying that these are the women that he's dated.
Howard gave David a plug for a couple of web sites that he was plugging. He's got a new web site called FunnyDeli.com and he's also making an appearance at Comix in New York and you can find more info at ComixNY.com.
David told a few more stories and then Howard took a call from Ralph. Ralph said that David said something brilliant about how you hardly ever hear about men killing their kids, it's almost always the women. Howard said that the women go nuts because they have to stay home with the kids. The guys argued back and forth about that stuff for a few minutes.
Howard asked David if he's ever upset that he doesn't have a show of his own. David said he is kind of bummed about that but he still likes doing stand-up. He just doesn't like going through the process of doing the gigs. He said he's worn out from that process. He said he doesn't have enough money to quit doing what he's doing. He said that the government and the lawyers have his money.
Howard asked David if he's lived too long because he used to say that he wanted to die broke. David said that might be the case. Howard said that Tai must really like him if she stays with him and he doesn't have money. David said he didn't say he doesn't spend money, he just doesn't have much. He spends money on nice meals and stuff like that.
Robin said that David should have kept his townhouse there in the city. David said he sold that in 1995 for $1 million. He said that he heard that it's worth about $7.5 million now. He had a house out in Aspen too that is worth a lot more than it was when he sold it.
Howard said that he needs everyone to go see David at Comix tomorrow night because this is like a charity thing. Artie said that he thought that David was worth about $50 million. David said he would have said the same thing but he doesn't even have a million bucks. Howard told him he should rob Tai or something. David said that he thought about the way he wanted his life to end. He said he doesn't want to die on a toilet or anything, he'd prefer to make it to his 90s, he opens his eyes and there are his accountant and doctor and they both tell him he has one year left. He said that he hopes that's the way he goes out.
Howard gave David a few more plugs and then wrapped up the interview. He said that he's known David for 25 years now. They talked about the old days and how their lives have kind of reversed from what they were back then. Howard wasn't making money back then and he was playing records and wishing he was single so he could date. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said he got a note in the e-mail from a guy who said that he heard that Robin had Jim Florentine over for breakfast. Robin laughed and said that wasn't true. Howard said it must have been a joke then.
Artie said that he got a wedding invitation from a fan who crossed out the ''regrets'' and just wrote in ''Just send a check for $2,500.''
Howard said that he got a note from someone who said that they were shocked that Artie was turned down by the USO because they have other dirty comedians who go over there. Howard said it's got nothing to do with his material, it's the show he's associated with.
Howard read through some other e-mail about the show. The fans liked Wendy the Retard's call yesterday. There was some feedback about Jamie Foxx's visit and the Super Head chick he talked about. Howard said he got some feedback about the Jerry Rice interview and read through some of that. Some people thought it was a great interview. There was someone who thought it was kind of an interrogation in the beginning.
Howard gave Mike some plugs and then had him get into his game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Steve said that they also have a story about Artie being turned down by the USO. They've contacted the USO to find out if he was turned down because of his association with the show. They're waiting for a call back. He said that Jim Florentine will be on Miserable Men this Sunday night and they're going to open up giving the floor to Jim to say what he wants about his date with Robin. Steve also mentioned that the Iron Sheik is going to be out on the road with the Killers of Comedy starting this weekend.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked where they got the ''Hi-oooooh'' from. Howard told her that it was from the old Johnny Carson Tonight Show. She was only 25 so she didn't know that show that well. Howard told her to tell her friends that he invented it and Carson stole it from them. That led to Artie retelling his story about doing ''Ed McMahon Walking'' parody on MAD TV years ago.
Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll be talking about Valentina Vaughn's visit today. They'll also talk about Johnny the armless midget's visit. Sal's acting classes will also be discussed as will his ''traction'' comments.
Howard had Mutt from Superfan Roundtable on the phone so Mutt told him what he had coming up on the show. They're going to talk about Robin and her dating Jim Florentine. They'll also try to come up with a name for Artie's new book. Artie already has one but he said that he'd take suggestions.
Howard said it's odd that he feels fine about not knowing such a simple word. Sal thanked him for making him feel like shit over the whole thing. Howard was laughing as he was saying that. He walked out a short time later.
Howard said he heard that Sal was asking Jason about going on anti-depressants today. That led to Artie doing his emotional friend impression again. He got on Howard's megaphone and started goofing on Sal again. Sal came back in and said that the whole emotional friend thing may have pushed him toward the depression thing. Artie was still doing his emotional friend thing so Sal shot back with a joke about Artie's father falling off the roof. Artie then threw out a joke about falling off the bed while fucking his wife last night.
Sal and Gary almost got into a little fight. Gary was holding up a sign over Sal's head that read ''Sal 143.'' Sal said he needs to go to a therapist and get some drugs to help him get out of this depression. Artie was still doing the emotional friend thing and goofing on Sal. Sal would shoot back with little jabs about his drug abuse and weight but Artie just kept going. Sal said that he had just apologized to him off the air about doing that to him and now he was right back to doing it.
Howard talked to Sal about this Dr. Ablow thing they're going to do on Monday. He said he hopes that it makes Sal and Christine stronger. He said it could break them up but he hopes it helps. He told him to stay away from the anti-depressant pills. He let him go and had Robin start her news.
Yucko the Clown called in and said that Robin seems to be saying some dumb stuff lately and maybe Jim Florentine fucked her brains out. He said that there's no way a kid hung onto the wing of a plane like she reported yesterday.
Irish John called in and said that he saw a picture of her and she's looking amazing. He tried to ask her out on a date to go see U2 or something. He said they can go see U2 or Unforgettable Fire (a U2 tribute band). He told her that he can be her emotional friend if Jim doesn't work out.
Robin got back to her news for a minute but Howard took another phone call a short time later. Hanzi called in and said that he's not Asian like Artie said yesterday. He's actually Pakistani. Artie said that's actually an Asian country so he is Asian. Hanzi didn't know that. He's 24 years old and didn't know that he's Asian. Howard gave him a copy of Halo 3 but Hanzi told him his brother already has a copy. He told him the same thing yesterday.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she had a Pink Floyd song that he could use for Beth. She told him about the song and he thought about some lyrics he could use. The woman's voice was kind of deep so after he had gotten off the phone with her, Howard said that maybe she should consider some estrogen. Fred did his Herman Munster impression a little bit after that.
Robin got back to her news and ran through a couple of stories. Fred was playing some new laugh clips that they got from the Steve-O interview yesterday. Steve was laughing like crazy during his interview so they pulled some of those goofy laughs to play.
Robin went through some more news and Artie got in a plug for a charity comedy show he's doing. He said that it's a suicide prevention charity that he's doing it for so Howard found that kind of amusing. That show is on October 18th at the State Theatre in New Brunswick, NJ. Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
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Howard started off the show talking about the bachelor party they had coming up today for Stephen Baldwin. He said they have a camera there to get the look of disgust on Richard Belzer's face. Robin said she wants to get her news done early so she can leave and not have to see the party there. Howard told her she won't want to miss this party. Howard said that Stuttering John is sick today but he came in for the bachelor party.
Howard asked Gary about the women that were supposed to be there today. They heard that they weren't going to show up. Howard asked John to come in and get him some warm water for his voice. John came in and then Howard talked about how he hates microwaved water. He said it's just not the same.
Howard said that he had to do a photo shoot for Channel 9 the other day and the pictures didn't come out that well so he has to do another one. He said that some of them came out okay but most didn't. He said that his hair was all frizzy and the hair stylist gave him a bouffant that didn't work so he tried to flatten it out a little bit and it made more of a mess.
Howard had Stephen Baldwin on the phone so he talked to him about the bachelor party. Steve said that he has friends that are so nuts that they'd eat the corn out of Sam Kinison's stool. He said he's got like 6 friends coming with him down there. He mentioned some of the guys he had coming with him and none of them were his brothers. He said that his brothers aren't coming and he didn't even want to talk about them. Howard said that one of his brothers is represented by his agent. That was Billy but Stephen didn't have much to say about that.
Howard spent a minute talking about Stephen and his fiancé. He wanted to see a picture of her when he came in so he asked him to bring one along with him. He was already off the phone so he hoped that he was listening.
Howard said he put in 7 years of begging with one girl and all he ever got was a kiss. He said that he went cross country with the girl one year and they had to take care of 40 high school kids who were getting laid. Howard and the chick never did anything though.
Howard said one of the girls dragged him off into the woods and told him she liked him but he couldn't bring himself to do anything with her. She was only 16 and he was about 19 at the time. He said that would have been illegal and he didn't want to get into trouble.
Howard said he went on this cross country trip and he was looking pretty good that summer. He had long hair and his weight was under control. He said he was trying to pick up this girl that he liked but she just wasn't going for it. He said one night they were sleeping in these corn bins out in Kansas and he was staying with the chick and invited her into his sleeping bag. He nagged her for an hour until she agreed to do it. He went over and tried to get it on with her but the 3 hours of begging didn't work. He eventually got a French kiss from her but that was it.
Howard said that he wasn't able to sleep since he was wondering if anything could happen in that sleeping bag. He said that he must be pretty repulsive if she wouldn't do anything with him. He said that she must have kissed him just to get him to go away. He said that she turned him down but then she'd go out with losers.
The guys talked about how bartenders are responsible for drunks these days. Howard said they make some ridiculous laws like that and that's what Tom was saying that they'd have to be worried about.
Howard moved on to talk about this Letterman taping that Gary went to. He said Gary told him about this Bill Wendell guy who opens up the show and says the same thing every single time he does the opening stuff. Gary also talked about what goes on during the breaks and how crazy things get for that short period of time. They get him new coffee, his guys come over to talk to him. They also have to clean up between the segments and stuff like that.
Gary also said that their old intern Greg is now in charge of the glass breaking sound effect over there. Howard said when they were over at NBC they had to have an engineer push a button for the sound effects so they'd have to tap on the glass to let the guy know when to do it. Howard said he had to go to break after that and before they get into the news and stuff.
Howard said that Robin was finding Mark much more attractive now that she had seen that big penis. Howard went on to talk about taking Mark out shopping for a suit. He asked Robin to get into her news so they could get that out of the way.
Robin read a story about some speech that was interrupted by some AIDS activists. That led to the guys talking about how they're trying to find a cure for this thing and one guy had a cancer treatment done on him and it seemed to have cleared up his AIDS virus infection.
Robin read a story about the kind of money the average worker is making these days. She and the guys spent some time talking about that and how Tom not giving Jackie a raise is dragging that average down. Howard said Stuttering John is also dragging that average down since he gets paid nothing to work there.
Robin read a story about a fire at one of Donald Trump's homes. Sam started to get a little sidetracked so Howard had to bring him back into line so the fans wouldn't be calling in talking about him not being able to focus.
Robin read some more stories and had one about a guy who ended up getting hit by a car when he went out into the street to do some push-ups for a crowd of people. Howard asked if Chernoff could do push-ups when he heard that.
Howard said he wanted to talk about something that went on with Sam. He got a call from Sam yesterday and whenever he calls, he always feels like he's under trial or something. He said he got a message from Sam asking him to call. He called him back at his hotel room and Sam went off on him for bad mouthing him on the air. He didn't hear anything himself, he just heard from some people that he was bad mouthing him.
Sam said that what freaks Malika out is when Howard talks to Jessica Hahn, so that's what it was all about. Howard said he put Sam on hold but then ended up hanging up on him. Sam called back and told him that he had cleared things up and found out that he really wasn't bad mouthing him.
Howard said Sam was also talking about this Elton John thing that went on. They shot a show together but Sam was left out of the shot when they taped it. They cut to some obscure guy instead of to Sam who was on this ABC special. Sam said that they did that deliberately too.
Howard had some tape of Sam talking about some stuff on Entertainment Tonight so he played those. Sam was talking about how he was sympathetic to the cure of AIDS and he sounded kind of like Jackie giving his apology to his wife about the Jessica Hahn bathtub incident. They mixed the two tapes together and goofed on Sam a little bit.
Howard told Sam he did a good job on this award show thing he did. They talked about that for a short time. Sam talked about how his guitar was unplugged when he was jamming on stage. He said they didn't tell him that he was unplugged and he thought that there was something wrong with the plug. He said he felt like a jackass trying to play and when he was done he threw the guitar at the manager who made him look like a jerk live on air. He said he came in to save their show and that's the way they treat him. All he wanted to do was play with Eric Clapton and they ruined that for him when they had him unplugged.
Sam said he went to the China Club after that and got to jam with some other people. He said he had a good time with Ritchie Sambora, Sebastian Bach and a bunch of other guys. He said he was more upset about the Eric Clapton thing than he was about the Elton John thing. He started drinking after that to calm himself down. He said he'll turn himself in when he goes to his AA meetings.
Sam told Howard he didn't do any drugs so he's fine there. He said that he used to do a lot in the past but he's done with the coke now. Howard told Sam that there's not going to be any drinking today at the bachelor party. Sam said that he's not going to do drugs ever again. He thinks that pot should be legalized and he may smoke that stuff but he won't do the hard core drugs.
Howard said Sam called him and asked if he could bring a camera crew in with him today. Howard said he had to turn that down. Gary came in and said that the girls and the guys were all ready to get going. Howard had to take a break before they did that.
Howard eventually moved on to the bachelor party and told Gary to bring the guys in. There was a lot of hooting and hollering going on as they were coming in. Stephen Baldwin and his friends were there so Howard spoke to Stephen for a short time. He checked out a picture of his new wife and found out how he met her on a bus.
Stephen said that his wife's name is Kennya. He said that he's not doing a pre-nup with her. Howard seemed to think that was a little crazy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he knows Stephen's fiancé and she's really wild. Stephen's friend defended him and told him he was going to be sleeping with the fishes. The guy claimed to be a stripper who danced for his fiancé. Stephen said that the guy had gotten him. Howard told Stephen that this just means that he can get down with the girls that are going to be at this party. The stripper caller said that they had a midget at the bachelorette party. Stephen said he heard about that guy. He wondered if he was well hung. The stripper guy didn't have an answer for that.
The guys asked the stripper about what went on at the bachelorette party and found out he was in a cowboy outfit and stripped down for the girls. He said that Stephen's girl was rubbing all over him as well as one of the other girls. Stephen asked him to leave his number in case he needs to call him to get a sworn deposition from him. The guy said that Kennya was kissing him and stuff and may have had her mouth open slightly. He said that she slipped him a little tongue. He said that some of the girls were even copping a feel.
Howard got rid of the caller and said he wanted to get the girls in there. Gary brought the girls down and said that he only had three of them. Howard said he thought they were going to audition for them. He wanted Gary to bring them out and have them audition in the window for the studio. Howard said that they only had three girls there and they looked like The Supreme's. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard did some more of his Carnac impression and then got back to the party. He said they were going to have the girls audition for them outside the studio in front of the window they have there. They tried to set Stephen up so he could see the girls as they were auditioning outside. Gary then brought the girls on one at a time to that window.
The first girl, Toni Chase, was asking why she couldn't just come in. Howard told her that they have to audition everyone because they want to know what she's going to do. The guys thought she looked a little bit like Valerie Bertinelli. Howard asked to see her top so she said she could just tease them a little. She pulled down her bra and Howard told her she was in. Then she mooned them. Howard told the guys to send the rest home. He had her come in right after that.
Howard said the next girl was a black chick who was about 6 feet tall. Gary told him that they had Kennya on the phone too. Howard picked up on her and she asked Stephen what he was doing. She said that the guy who called in earlier was a hoax. She said that she didn't do anything with that guy. As she was talking about that the chick in the studio started jumping up and down all over Stephen.
Kennya said she was just calling in to say she loves Stephen so Howard hung up on her. Howard had to ask Sam to stay with him there. He talked to the next girl, Elizabeth, and asked her what she does. She's a topless dancer from Texas. She had a present for Steve and said it was her bra. Howard wanted to get some of the girls hypnotized by Dr. King who was there. He tried to get his attention but Gary didn't have headphones on him so he couldn't hear what was going on. Howard eventually got his attention and told Dr. King what he wanted to do.
Howard heard that more girls had shown up so he had Gary bring them in. He met a 25 year old who said that she was a nude talk show host. She took her bra off and showed the guys what she had. She covered up within a few seconds though. Sam said that she didn't look like she had any implants.
Howard met the next girl who was at the window. Her name was Wendy. She was 24 years old and said she was a professional dancer. Gary said that he had some other girls there and brought up Tracy who took her top off within a few seconds of meeting the guys. Sam said that all of the girls looked to be natural so far. He said there were no implants yet.
Gary said that the first girl was done being hypnotized. Howard wanted to get all of the girls hypnotized and couldn't wait for that. Robin said she heard that Stephen was out in the hall telling his fiancé to calm down. He claimed that he told her that she was going to be in big trouble when he got home but that's not what Robin heard. Howard told him he shouldn't be explaining himself to his wife. He should tell her to shut up and leave him alone. Sam said he should be telling her to shut her hole.
Howard had a girl on his lap and said he was having a good time while everyone else was just gay. Howard said that Steve had his hand in Sam's lap. Howard heard that this one girl, Elizabeth, wanted to start a strip club and wanted money from the government to start it. Howard talked to hear about that and then had one of the girls give Stephen a hug. Howard asked him how that felt. Stephen had one of his buddies tell him he was looking good and then he said that he was ''feelin' goooood.''
Howard said that it was time for the girls to get naked. one of the girls asked if he was going to get naked first. Howard said that had been done before, but it won't be happening this time. He went around the room and asked all of the girls if they were ready to go. They played some music and then some of the girls started to dance. Stephen had his head buried in one of the girl's chests. He said that he was going to let it happen to him too. He said he loved it after the girl gave him a bronsky.
Howard said that one of the girls was down to a g-string and told her to keep going. Some of the girls weren't doing much of anything so he tried to get them going. Then Steve's friends started taking their clothes off. Howard said that Elizabeth's top came off and the guys were taking their clothes off too. Howard said he doesn't think that Stephen should be getting married after seeing this.
One of the girls said she wanted to say hi to her boyfriend but that didn't go over very well. Another girl still had her top on so Robin pointed that out. She had her top off a short time later. Howard had to go to break in the middle of the party. He said he wanted to partake in some of the party and then he'd come back from break.
Howard had Shelly the Typist come in after that. She was ready to take her shirt off. Howard said he thought she was going to take more than that off. She asked the other girls if they were going to do it too. Howard had all of the girls take their tops off with her.
Howard moved on to Dr. King and asked him which girls they could hypnotize. Dr. King put on his headphones and tried to get everyone's attention. Sam was the one who wasn't paying much attention so he said he'd try. Dr. king then told Howard that this one little girl against the wall was one who he could hypnotize. She hadn't taken any of her clothes off yet. Her name was Tracy. Dr. King tried to work his magic on her and put her to sleep for a few seconds and then told her what he was going to have her do. When she woke up she was doing just what Dr. King said she would.
Next up was Tracy. Dr. King put her to sleep and Howard told him to have her go nuts when she saw someone rubbing their nose. Dr. King used Howard's nose as the trigger for her. He told her that she was going to get so excited that she was going to orgasm when she saw him rubbing his nose. He also told her that she was going to get turned on to the guy in the red hat, Stephen, but it was Howard who was turning her on. They had her come out of it after that and she did her thing as Howard was rubbing his nose. She sounded like she was really getting off. Dr. King put her back to sleep again a short time later. She was trying to pull down Stephen's pants at one point. Steve said that his pants were soaking wet over there.
Dr. King worked his magic on that chick again and had her thinking that she had been with Stephen the night before. She told Howard the story about being with him and doing him early this morning. She said it was late last night or early this morning that they had done it. She said that she had met him on her way there and they went to a hotel across the street to do it. She said she didn't know that he was getting married though. They had Stephen spanking her and Howard had to put a stop to that. The girl was getting really worked up over the whole thing. He had to take another break after that.
Howard said he predicts that Stephen's marriage will last about 3 months. He figured it wouldn't survive the tension. Stephen said that he's talked to his fiancé about it and she's fine with it. Howard was trying to finish a live commercial but there was a lot going on in the studio. Dr. King was still doing his hypnosis stuff with the girls.
Howard said that Richard Belzer was going to be coming in soon so he wanted Dr. King to do something with the girls to mess with Belz. Dr. King put Tracy to sleep and told her she was going to be speaking fluent Chinese when she woke up and she was going to be attracted to Belzer when she saw him. He told her that Belzer was going to have an amazing aura around him that she was going to be attracted to.
Howard had Belzer come into the studio a short time later. He introduced him to Tracy and he asked her if she was air sick or something. She came out of her hypnosis and gave him an ''Ah-so'' and then rambled out some stuff that kind of sounded Chinese. She then went over to Belzer and started speaking her own version of Chinese. She didn't have much of a vocabulary though.
The guys messed around with Tracy for a little while and then Dr. King put her back under by yelling out ''Tracy sleep!'' Belzer wondered if she was a dog or something. Howard said he thought that Belzer was going to ruin the party but he was actually having some fun. Howard had Dr. King tell Tracy to get turned on when she hears Belzer saying ''Babe.'' Dr. King did that and woke her up a short time later.
Belzer did his ''babe'' thing and tried turning Tracy on by repeating the word over and over again. Howard thanked Dr. King for coming in and gave him some plugs. He had to go to break again after that.
Howard said that Belzer's pants were soaking wet. Belzer said they weren't wet, they were moist. Howard talked to Belzer and to Sam about the girls that they had in there. Howard said that Belzer was the life of the party today. He thought he wasn't going to work out but he actually had a good time in there.
Howard asked the girls if they wanted to dance for Steve one last time before he goes off to get married. He said that they could do that and then they'd end the show. Howard said that the guys were all checking out the girls like they were checking for cancer.
Stephen thanked Howard and everyone for what they did for him. He sounded very happy about the whole party. Howard wondered why there was only one girl with her top off at that point. Robin said they were waiting for the dance off. Sam was doing a breast exam and still doing comedy so Howard pointed that out. He said that Sam was doing stuff right there, like he was in the back seat of a car, and it was stuff he wouldn't even do in the back seat of a car. Toni was enjoying whatever it was that Sam was doing in there.
One of the girls wanted to kiss Robin but Robin wasn't interested and wanted to get out of there. She said she'd see them next week. Gary played some music after that and had the girls dance their final dance for Stephen. Howard told the girls to do their thing for Stephen. They did their thing and Howard ended the show around 9:30am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Uncle Paulie had never heard of such a thing and ended up goofing on Adam. He said he's supposed to be a man. He had never heard of Adam or Jimmy Kimmel either. Howard got back to Adam and asked him about this party he went to for the Axe deodorant. Adam said that he was asked to show up to this party and he got paid something like $5000 to show up at it. Uncle Paulie was rambling about Adam smelling like onions and garlic for some reason.
Adam told Howard that he's in to promote ''Crank Yankers'' and not that deodorant. He said that the reason he is in the city is because of the Axe deodorant thing. He told Howard that Steve O was at the party last night with his hot model girlfriend. He said he was ready to kill himself after seeing that. Howard said they felt the same way when Steve O was in the other day.
Howard brought Stephen Baldwin in next. He was carrying a bible when he came in. Howard asked him about this born-again Christian thing he's into now. Adam told Howard that Stephen is an obnoxious guy and he knows it. He said now that he's found Jesus Christ, he's entered a new stratosphere of obnoxious. Howard wanted to play the tape of Baldwin talking about how Gellman seems to be keeping him off of Regis Philbin's show because of the religious content of this DVD he's selling. Uncle Paulie got on his ass about this stuff as well but Stephen couldn't understand what he was saying. Uncle Paulie asked him what kind of Christian he was because there are too many Christians out there. He said he was using the name of the god for promotion and he shouldn't be doing that. Adam told Stephen that this was good practice just in case he ever has a meeting with the Pope. Uncle Paulie continued to ramble about how he doesn't believe Stephen, he only believes in God. Adam threw in a plug for ''Crank Yankers'' while Paulie was rambling.
Uncle Paulie asked Stephen about his religion and what it was all about. Stephen started to explain to him that he's a born again Christian but Uncle Paulie didn't get it and started to make fun of Stephen and his religious beliefs. Howard took over after that and brought up the crazy bachelor party they threw for him years ago. He wondered how Stephen went from that to this born again stuff. Stephen said that he is now at a place spiritually where he doesn't even look at the pictures of Howard's girlfriend in FHM magazine because they are ''tempting.'' Howard told him that he's a man... Uncle Paulie took over and told Stephen to ''Get out!'' of the studio.
Howard asked Stephen about the FHM thing and what he means about not wanting to look at that stuff. He thinks that this will last maybe another year with Stephen before he gets back to looking at women. Uncle Paulie jumped in again and told Stephen that he's a donkey and made some ''Eee Haw'' sounds.
Howard asked Stephen about the fact that he walked out of the room with Tabitha Stevens earlier when he saw her bent over. He said he just saw ''a person'' bent over like that and walked out. He didn't know who she was. Uncle Paulie said that he must be ''a gay'' if he did that. He laughed as he was goofing on him. Gary got in on the conversation and asked Stephen if he has stopped pleasuring himself. Uncle Paulie yelled at Gary for being a monkey when he was talking to him. Stephen said that he does not do that anymore but would not say how long it has been since he did that. He only has sex with his wife now. He has the power now to not do that stuff.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that this is just another addiction that Stephen has gotten himself into. She went off on him for a few seconds before Howard hung up on her. Stephen wanted to tell Howard about the stuff he's been doing lately but he knew it would be boring. Stephen said he's been touring for a while now with this Christian Skateboarding thing and he's been to 50 cities lately. Tomorrow he'll be at a Walbaums on Long Island.
Howard let a couple of phone callers through to yell at Stephen. One guy said he thinks Stephen is full of crap and no one can not look at Tabitha Stevens. Howard wanted the guys to bring her in so he could see him not looking at her. Stephen got in a plug for this web site LivinIt.org where you can find out more about the Christian Skateboarders. While he was talking about that stuff Uncle Paulie was making snoring sound effects as if he were bored with it all.
Howard said he knew the old Stephen Baldwin and this was hard for him to believe. Stephen said he had a hard time believing it as well. His wife became a born again Christian and that's what got him into it. Howard figured that they would have gotten a divorce if he didn't make the switch. Stephen said that wasn't the case but it did save their marriage because he saw the changes in his wife. They became closer because of it.
Howard asked Stephen about pleasuring himself and how he doesn't do that. He didn't want to give details about whether or not he has ever done it in the past couple of years but he said if he is 3000 miles away from her and thinks about his wife while doing it, it might be considered okay because what you believe in your mind is what matters with Jesus.
Howard let a few more people bust Stephen's balls about this whole thing. Uncle Paulie got in on it some more and yelled at Stephen while Stephen asked all of the Christians out there to start praying for Uncle Paulie. Howard then told Stephen that in 2 years he'll be divorced, drinking and going to strip clubs. He doesn't believe that he can stick to this stuff for that much longer. Howard asked for Tabitha to come in but she had already left. Stephen said that if he's walking down the street and sees a good looking woman walking toward him on the street, he doesn't have to turn around and look at her backside. Gary came in and asked if he's looking at a woman's backside, is he doing something wrong or is it just something he can't do. Stephen gave him a long explanation about what he thinks about marriage and what people should be doing.
Chaunce Hayden called in and asked Stephen about what he thinks about the Jews now that he's born again. Stephen talked about that stuff for a minute and told Chaunce to go to ChosenPeople.com. He says he doesn't think the Jews are wrong. Gary had some more questions for Stephen after that. He asked about some of the things they had in their notes about him. They found out that Stephen is starting his own ministry now. Howard said he knew that he couldn't just be one of the people sitting in the pews. He said that's where he needs to go when he's done in radio. That's where all of the money is. Stephen had no comment when the guys asked him about abortion. He said that was a sticky situation and he didn't want to comment.
A caller told Howard about how he was fired because of Stephen Baldwin. He told a story about how he complained about no getting tipped at a golf event and ended up getting fired after talking about it on the air. Howard cut the guy off and didn't let him go on much more.
Stephen talked about this skateboarding video he's got out and also gave him a plug for his new coffee Loco Joe that's going to be sold in Walbaums supermarkets on Long Island. Uncle Paulie started to yell at Stephen to get out of the studio again after that. Howard asked Paulie to calm down so Stephen could get in some more plugs. He's going to be touring the Walbaums supermarkets on Long Island tomorrow all day. He's starting out in Long Beach then moves on to Deer Park, North Pachoug, Riverhead and South Hampton. He also got in a plug for Distributorship.com and blessed Howard and the other guys who were there.
Howard had to wrap up after that but it was mayhem with Uncle Paulie yelling and Adam cracking jokes about Paulie. Howard gave Adam another plug for ''Crank Yankers'' and tried to put an end to the fun. Uncle Paulie was still going nuts yelling at Stephen. Adam's forehead wasn't sweating at all even with all of that stuff going on. Double A called in and said he wants to hear more from Uncle Paulie. Paulie started to go off on Stephen again. Vinnie Favale called in and gave Stephen an ''F, Marry Kill'' game which included his wife, Jesus and God. Stephen had no idea what he was talking about but Vinnie ended up yelling at him about not being Solomon or something like that. It was still insanity in there. Stephen got in one more ''Praise the lord'' before Howard finally cut to commercial break.