| Monday | Tuesday |
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| Wednesday | Thursday |
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| Friday | |
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Howard started off the show saying that he was listening to the replay on Friday and they were talking about the war in Iraq and how proud he was of President Bush back then. He said he had to turn off the radio because he was sickened by what he was saying. Robin said she had to apologize to a few people about what she had said back then too. They said that Bush lied back then and they were fooled into thinking that they should have been over there in Iraq.
Artie said that Bush and those guys played off their emotions and made us think that they had to do it. He said everyone wanted blood back then and that was why people were for it back then. Howard said that the show was making him sick. Artie said he likes that Howard didn't run from that stuff and it was good to replay it to remind people that we were lied to.
Howard said he was so upset with himself that he had to turn off the radio. Artie said that he remembers what was going on back then and how he wanted blood thinking about all of the people jumping out of the World Trade Center not wanting to be burned.
Howard said he almost called in to interrupt that show to explain why he was thinking that way back then. He took a call from a guy who said that it was very strange to listen to that show. He said that people were thinking like that back then. Howard said that Barack Obama saw through it back then though. He said that guy didn't think we should be there at the time. Howard said you can't cut that shit out of the old shows even though he'd like to.
Ralph said he was hanging out in California with Sam Simon so he had some stories to tell. He told the guys to guess what Sam gave him and they threw out things like ''an engagement ring'' and other stuff like that. Ralph said he didn't take Sam's car anywhere but he was taking his golf cart out to shop and stuff. Ralph then said that Sam gave him his iPhone because he hated it so much. Ralph told Howard he'd love this phone and he could go on the internet and play chess and stuff like that.
Howard asked Ralph if he can play videos on it. Ralph said he's been going on YouTube lately and you can watch all of that stuff. He said it's amazing. He told Howard about some of the stuff you can do with the phone on the internet and said it was just amazing.
Gary came in and asked Ralph about the phone and if he's getting the service too. Ralph said he's paying for the service himself. He said Sam told him to take the phone so he did. He said that you can use the phone over WiFi so you don't have to use your airtime for the web.
Artie said he's got one of these phones but he doesn't have it hooked up. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he hates when Ralph calls in. Howard told him that they're working on some shows that this guy will like where they play shows with Ralph edited out.
Ralph said he had something to tell Howard. He brought up that old show where Howard was talking about the Iraq war and backing it up. He said everyone was duped back then so it wasn't a big deal that he was for it at that point. Ralph said he thinks that Bush was lied to also so maybe he's not even to blame.
Howard was letting Ralph go but he said he's going to be back out at Sam's house next week. He said he came back into town to do some stuff for Howard and then he's going right back out there. Howard asked him if he ever feels guilty about taking advantage of Sam like that. Ralph said he actually feels like he's doing Sam a favor by going out and staying in his house so he can run his dishwasher and stuff like that.
Howard said that Ralph has the worst luck with appliances because he used to come over and use the stuff and it would always break. Ever since Beth started doing laundry and stuff, the things never break. Artie said that his Mexican knows how to fix that stuff if it breaks.
Ralph said that Sam's guest house is really just a regular house. They talked a little bit about that and Artie said that he feels bad enough that he won't even stay there, he'll stay in a hotel. He said he knows he shouldn't feel guilty about it but he likes to feel independent.
Ralph told Artie that the Playboy party he was going to was just a few weeks ago. Artie said that this is a different party. Ralph said he tried to go to that party but he was rejected. He said the chick told him that they'd love to have him back but she couldn't fit him into this one.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the show that they replayed on Friday didn't need to be played. Howard said that they played that show for other reasons and they just left that part in. Howard and Artie talked about how much fun it was during the AC/DC stuff. Howard said he has no control over what they play on those old shows, he lets the guys pick everything.
Howard said that Ralph is going to come over to his place for about an hour on Tuesday and do ''work'' so that's going to be his work for the week. He was going to let him go but he saw that Nicole Bass was on the phone and he really didn't want to get into it with her this morning.
Artie asked Nicole if she's on the internet and if she could do some stuff for him. She said she kind of knows about it. Howard said that $900 isn't going to help her out at all.
Nicole said that the $900 is going to keep her husband out of jail. She started to explain that but she sounded half asleep so Ralph asked her if she was awake. She said that she wasn't and didn't know how they could get up so early in the morning. Artie told Nicole that he wanted something for the money he was going to give her and asked her if she'd paint a gig on her chest and jump out of a plane. The guys also asked her to show her vagina but she won't do that.
Howard said that they got Nicole a job at a gym and she left there because she didn't like their training program. She said that it was actually because she didn't like having to kiss the boss's ass. Howard said that's what you have to do when you have a job though. He told her that she really needs to kiss ass, balls and cock when you have a job.
Artie said that if you can't come up with $900 in this society, you have a really big problem. Nicole said that her husband has had multiple heart attacks and a lot of health problems and they have to tell the judge that every time they go to court. She said that her husband's hand was smashed in a freight elevator too so that was just another thing.
Nicole started to tell the long version of her very long story. She was telling the guys how her husband totaled his car and he started to freak out when he wasn't told by the cops if she was okay or not. Howard cracked a joke about Nicole's face being mangled in the accident and how the cops could have been fooled by that. Nicole said that they tested her husband for DUI and found he was fine.
Nicole said that her husband ended up getting arrested for having medication in his system that night. It was just his heart medication but the guys weren't sure if that was really the case. Nicole said that the records would prove it though. Robin asked what's going on with her because this isn't the first run in with the cops that she's had. She didn't know what was going on. She said that she just needs that $900.
Howard again asked Nicole if she would show her vagina. She said she won't do that. She really needs that money and she's needed it since August 7th. Howard said that they probably won't even put him in jail because they can't put hard core criminals in there. Nicole said she's been trying to come up with that money for a month and a half but she just can't do it. Nicole said that if they tell her no she'll understand.
Artie said that he would give her the $900 if she would promise to show her vagina to them if they don't come up with the money by November 1st. Nicole asked for it to be extended to Christmas. The guys said that's not going to happen and then Nicole started to break down. She said that she thought they were her friends. Artie told her that they they're the people who laugh at her publicly.
Howard asked Nicole what she thinks about Artie's deal. She didn't want to do it so Artie extended it to Thanksgiving. She said that she'll only do it if she can have until Christmas. Howard told Artie he wasn't sure. Artie gave her an extension until December 1st but then she said she'd ask another friend.
Howard said that they get endless calls from other people who call the show and it never ends. Nicole was breaking down and crying and saying that she's done everything she could. Howard said it's just not fair to them because so many people ask for money.
Howard had Angry Black on the phone because he wanted to give Nicole the money. He said he'd be willing to put in $300 if Ralph was still willing to put in the $300. Howard said that if they're going to do that he's going to look like a shithead and he'd have to throw in the other $300. Angry Black said he didn't even want the money back. Howard said it's an endless hole and he doesn't know how to tell Nicole to straighten herself out.
Howard asked Nicole what she does for work. She said that she works on web cams and does stuff for guys. Howard told her to go out and get a real job. That led to Fred doing his impression of her working at a Starbucks. He was doing his Herman Munster impression and making fun of that. That made Ralph laugh his ass off. He had to ask Fred to stop.
Nicole said that she was just looking for a loan and she promised that she'd pay them back. Artie didn't even know what she meant when she said she does web cam stuff. Howard said that she wrestles guys on these web cams and gets paid for it. Howard asked Nicole what she gets paid to do that stuff. She said she gets $400 an hour to do that stuff. She said she's been sick lately and she can't compete in the body building stuff anymore.
The guys were coming up with some ideas for what to do with her but nothing was working. Ralph told her to just go to a gym and work for a gym. Nicole said that what she actually does on the web cam is pose for guys and then she'll talk and type to the guys she has paying her. Howard said he doesn't understand that. He wondered what she talks to guys about. She said that she spent about 20 minutes talking to someone just last night. She charges $4.99 a minute so that's what she made last night. Howard asked Nicole what she talked to the guy about. She said ''whatever'' and just talked about the stuff that anyone talks about on a web cam.
Gary came in and told Howard that they once had one of their guys call Nicole to do one of these phone sex things with her. Howard played the audio of that. In the call the guy asked Nicole to play the part of a gym coach who was talking dirty to him. She was playing a guy during the call. Artie was laughing his ass off hearing the guy telling Nicole to stick her cock in his ass.
Gary said that the call actually lasted 17 minutes and they had it edited down to 3 minutes. Gary said he thinks that they paid like $30 for that call. She said that's not the type of calls she usually does though. Howard told Nicole he had to end this stuff. Angry Black said that he was going to send her this money and both Ralph and Howard were going to give her the other $600. Howard told her that she had her money and Nicole said that she'd never ask for money from them again.
Howard said that the real scam is probably Ralph and Nicole working together and splitting the other $600. Howard said he knew this was going to take forever too. Ralph told Nicole that her husband isn't going to jail. She said that he could very well go. Ralph asked Nicole what she's going to do with that $900. She said that she's going to pay a fine that her husband had against him.
Nicole's husband Bob got on the phone and said that he was fined for a bunch of things. He said he ended up hitting a couple of cars and tried to avoid hitting some people when he got into that accident. He said that he's going to go pay that fine and he'll show them the receipt if they want to see it. Howard asked him again what it was for but when he started to explain it, Howard cut him off and said he just wanted a simple explanation. Bob said that there were actually about 10 tickets. Then Bob mentioned that he was on Xanax at the time and Ralph was ready to take his $300 back.
Bob said that the judge told him to be back to court that day by 4:30 with the $900 or he'd go to jail. He didn't go back so there's now an arrest warrant out for him. Artie told him that they're going to put him in jail if he shows up to pay that $900. Howard had to cut everyone off and end the whole thing. Howard said that anyone else who calls in for money, he's hanging up on them. Artie said that guy is going to get arrested for contempt because he's been avoiding paying for three weeks now. Howard said he's not giving anyone else money and he's just got to stop doing it.
Artie figured that Siobhan is going to call and so will Jeff the Drunk. They're going to be asking for money as well. Howard said that he's done with giving people money. He had to go to break after that and said that he was drained from that call.
Lisa also said that Richard Christy has been doing voice over work for a metal band cartoon. She also said that Howard is on another list of movies that Hollywood killed that's up on Cracked.com. Howard said that he kind of backed out of it himself because he didn't think it could be a commercial movie.
Lisa said that she's heard that Beth has been planning a wedding. Howard said she is doing that but there's nothing concrete at this point. He said that he gets creeped out by the word ''marriage'' and some days it feels really gay. He said that they are planning something though.
Artie asked if Lisa would be invited to any of that wedding stuff. Howard said no. Artie then said that Lisa's ass looked really nice this morning but she shot back with a comment about how big his looked. Lisa was insulted by that.
Howard said that Robin did have a crush on Jim so maybe things will work out. She said that sometimes it's best not to meet the person you have a crush on. Howard asked if Jim tried to set up a specific date yet. She said that they were already talking about September so they have to talk some other time.
Howard asked how long the call went on. She said it was probably about 20 minutes. Howard thought that was pretty long but she said she could talk to a wall, that's her job. She said that she can make conversation on a date. She said that she'll probably do all the work and she's good at making people think that she's interested in them even though she actually wants to get out of there.
Howard asked Robin what she and Jim talked about. She said that they were talking about how much crap Jim might get from the audience because of the date. She said she may have made a mistake when she told Jim that she made a mistake with Penn Jillette. They talked about how that went south after she went out with him.
Howard asked Robin if she's pleasured herself thinking about Jim. She said that hasn't happened. Howard asked her if she thought about Jim's big ball sack when she was pleasuring herself this weekend. She said she never said she did that this weekend. Robin said she was with people this weekend so she wasn't able to do that.
Fred was doing his impression of Robin while she was talking about this. Robin said she was actually in the car when Jim called her. She said that she didn't want her driver to hear about what was going on though. Her driver was lecturing her about going out with Jim. The guys said that Robin's driver, Gene, is going to be driving Jim around soon. They did their impressions of Jim telling the guy where to drive them and stuff like that too. Robin said that Gene was a big Mr. X fan.
Howard asked Robin about how long the call was. She said it was probably 15 or 20 minutes and they were talking about what the audience might do and how the people there on the show might treat them. Artie asked Howard what he thinks has a better chance of happening, Robin going out with Jim or Ralph paying up the $300 he offered to Nicole. Howard continued to talk to Robin about the phone conversation and Robin said she thinks that Jim was very nervous during the call.
Robin said she heard that they were talking about that on the Wrap Up Show last week so Gary told them a little bit about what happened during that show. Howard cut them off because he had a phone call to get to.
Howard said he had a bunch of new Gary songs to play while they waited to get her on another line. He played through a bunch of Baba Booey songs. Sal was out in the hall dancing along to the songs. Howard played a bunch of short clips and then said that was enough. He said that Sal was out of breath after that dancing.
Howard had Liz back on the phone and asked her how many times a day she has to pleasure herself. She said that she does it about 7 times a day. She doesn't bang just any guy though. She said that she's very picky. Howard said he didn't buy this PSAS stuff if she doesn't just go out and bang every guy. He said she claims that she has problems with keeping men because she always wants to have sex. She said that she's ready to go again like 20 minutes after she finishes.
Liz said she heard of this PSAS thing in Cosmo and then she went out and did some research and found a doctor who confirmed it. Howard said he wasn't being turned on and he really didn't care about it. He told her that it really wasn't interesting. Artie said that they'd be interested if the woman was into fucking them. He then told her that she was on the boring as hell list. Howard wished her luck with it and let her go.
Howard let Ralph go and said that he had a run in with Ronnie over the weekend. He said that the car broke down last week and he needed the car to go pick up Beth's family who were coming into town. He said he wanted things to go perfectly for them. He said that Beth was talking to Terry the driver all week and telling him what they needed to happen. The car had to go into the shop on Friday night and they forgot the cell phone that Beth's family was supposed to call.
Ronnie came in to explain but Howard kicked him out. He said that when you're paying for a car it's supposed to be stress free. He said that Beth called on Saturday morning and got the mechanic on the phone. He gave her an attitude so she got off the phone with him. Then Beth's brother arrived and he wasn't able to get in touch with Terry the Driver.
Howard said Beth called Ronnie to ask what was going on. Ronnie told her that Terry had them and he was giving her one word answers. Beth checked with her brother and found out he wasn't with Terry. Then Howard had to call Ronnie and ask him not to give Beth an attitude. He said that Terry wasn't with Beth's brother and he had kids with him and stuff. He said he just didn't want an attitude from him.
Howard said he was going out of his mind. Ronnie came in and told Howard that he was there at the repair shop until 3 in the morning. He forgot his phone there so he called the shop and asked them to answer the phone and then call him with the information. He said that he didn't want to bother Howard with all of that. He said he called and got another car. Then Beth's brother had to wait at the plane for his kid's car seats so that delayed things, that's why they weren't in the car yet.
Howard said that Ronnie was giving Beth one word answers and he shouldn't have done that. Howard said that Ronnie was giving them an attitude and there was no reason for that. Ronnie said he was trying to keep things under control without bothering Howard and Beth. Howard said that he could have given them a heads up at least. He left it a big mystery instead. Howard said Ronnie is passive aggressive and that's why he doesn't do things the way they should be done.
Howard said that there was a lot of confusion but Beth's brother and his family eventually made it out there. He said Ronnie makes them feel like they can't bother him but they shouldn't feel like that.
Artie said he's dying to see the movie now. He said that the sequels sucked but the original was great. Richard came in and said that the original was the greatest movie of all time. He said that there wasn't even that much blood in the movie but it was like the perfect horror movie. He said that what Rob did was add a lot more stuff about Michael Myers as a kid. Howard said it was very well done and there's at least an hour of the kid stuff in the movie.
Howard didn't want to give away any of the movie so he held back and didn't reveal anything. He said he watched that movie and then watched another Carmen Luvana movie that he beat off to. He said it was called ''A Perfect Teacher'' and this guy trains chicks to be perfect secretaries. He said that the women are all chained and harnessed. He said that it was very, very sexy and it was like every guy's fantasy.
Howard said he read some of Steve Martin's new book (Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life) after the porn thing. He said the book is pretty cool. Artie and Howard talked about some of the stuff that Martin did early on in his career. Artie had a story about him doing a bit on The Tonight Show where he was doing some really different stuff. Howard said he actually spoke to Steve and congratulated him on the book.
Richard said that Steve was great in ''Trains Planes and Automobiles.'' Howard said he's working on The Pink Panther 2. Robin said he did a good job in the first one.
Howard asked Sal to name the person who sewed the first American flag. Sal said it was Betsy Ross and got that right. Howard asked Eric what country gave them the Statue of Liberty. He knew it was France. Sal was asked what the imaginary line is going around the earth. He knew it was the equator. Howard asked Eric who the senators were representing New York. Eric said ''Albany.'' Howard then asked Sal to name the two senators. Sal said Hillary Clinton and ''Sherano.'' Howard said it's actually Chuck Shumer.
Howard asked Eric to fill in the blank ''Give me liberty or give me...'' Eric didn't know, Sal did. Sal didn't know who said it and when he tried to figure it out, he said it was John Hancock. Gary came in and said that they were talking about Sal on the Wrap Up Show last week and they've talked about Howard's battled for a certain thing, freedom of speech. Sal thinks that amendment is the 5th amendment. Then he remembered that it's actually the first amendment.
Howard said he wasn't in the mood for this today. He gave Eric some prize money for playing the game though. He had $500 from BeeCeuticals. You can find out more about the products at HealthFromTheHive.com.
Howard let Eric go and goofed on Sal a little more about some of the history he doesn't know. Sal said he doesn't want to be defined as being retarded just because he has a disinterest in history. Howard said Artie was trying to explain to him why he should know some of that stuff even if he's not interested in it. Sal said that he's not stupid but someone (Artie) going to a bank and slipping them a robbery note as a joke is stupid. Gary said that was bad judgment, not stupid.
Howard played some clips from last week's Wrap Up Show where Sal was going off on Jason about not being ''Casmatic'' (Charismatic) and goofed on him about that. The guys also pointed out how Sal didn't know that the Revolutionary War came before World War I. Sal said it's all because he's not interested in history.
Howard was asking Sal about some of the history that he didn't know about last week and he was starting to learn some of that stuff. He didn't have the facts quite right but he was close. Sal was talking about some things that were completely wrong like Christopher Columbus fighting in the revolutionary war. Howard asked him why he fought in that war. Sal said that it was to protect the 13 colonies. Sal then realized that he meant Washington and he couldn't believe he was saying Columbus.
Howard said he was going to play something of Sal's that he does well. Sal brought up how he had a bad dream over the weekend and he was thinking about choking his wife but almost choked Shuli because Shuli was sleeping in the same bed as him. Shuli came in and said that Sal was doing all kinds of disgusting stuff all night. He was smacking his lips and clearing his throat and blasting farts while he slept. Shuli said Sal lunged at him at one point while he was asleep.
Sal said that Shuli looks like an old dog when he's sleeping. They had to do that two nights in a row too. Sal said that this was a friend of theirs whose house they were staying at. Sal said they don't make a lot of money when they do these shows so if he can save $80, he's going to do it.
Howard said that Sal has been working hard on new phony phone calls so he played one of their newest ones. He said Sal and Richard called this guy Jonah who does a Yankee's call in show and gave him a hard time. Howard played the call where they put their phone up to the TV and give the guy feedback. Jonah complains about sweating and then takes another call from Sal who gives him an order for food and then some more feedback.
Howard played another prank call that Sal and Richard made to a talk show. Richard calls in doing his woman's voice and tells the host about his cunt lips getting caught in a sander. They cut him off and Sal calls in and gives them a bullshit story and then talks about jerking off. The host figured it was the same guy who called in before. Then he says ''at least someone is listening.'' Richard calls back in and jerks them around a little more. Sal calls in again and then Richard calls back once again. They keep calling in over and over again. The host tells him that he's a very sick guy and that they need professional help.
Artie was laughing his ass off because the host of the show had a funny voice. He was laughing so hard he couldn't even speak. Howard was doing his impression of the guy and making Artie laugh even more. Howard then played more of their calls to the show. They eventually just shut off the phones completely because they have animals on the other end. Howard did more of his impression of the host and had Artie laughing more. They had to go to break a short time later.
Ralph was saying that he found it hard to believe that Jim was attracted to her but then he was telling him to hit that shit if the door was open.
Robin said she thought it was just Ralph saying, in his own way, that she wasn't all that hot compared to Jim's old girlfriend. Howard said that Jim sounds very sincere, he wants to ''hit that shit.''
Howard had Rob Zombie on the phone so he told him that his Halloween remake was awesome. He said he's really come far in his movie directing. He said the movie is like a real movie. Howard said there are a lot of strange people in the movie. He mentioned a few of the cameos of the people who were in it. He said that Rob's wife is in it and she strips in it. He also said that there's a lot of teen nudity in it and he loved it.
Howard said he had to take an Ambien to get to sleep last night because he was so creeped out by it. Howard said he never saw the original Halloween so he asked if it was a remake or new. Rob said that it was pretty much a new movie because they added so much to it.
Artie asked Rob about the movie and found out that Malcolm McDowell is in the movie and he plays the part of another guy that Artie was thinking of. Rob told Artie about the age range they go through in the movie. Howard told Rob that the best scene in the movie was Michael Myers first kill. Artie said that he's really looking forward to seeing this one. Howard thinks that it's going to make a lot of money.
Rob said that they have a new chick playing the character Laurie Strode. He said he picked an unknown so people would believe that she was really that character. Howard wondered why the character never dies. Rob said he only gets shot like 3 times in this movie so that might not kill him.
Richard came in and asked Rob if he spoke to John Carpenter about the movie. Rob said he didn't have anything to do with it but he did call him out of respect to him. Richard asked if the music is similar to the original. Rob said they had another guy do the score but that guy did the score for 300 and some other movies.
Howard read that Rob used to work on Pee Wee's Playhouse too so they spent a minute on that. He also talked to Rob about his wife being in the movie too. He said she's really held up over the years.
Howard asked Rob who gave him the right to remake the film. Rob said that Bob Weinstein had it so he did it and had a $17 million budget. Howard said that the first hour of the movie was really good and then you get killing in the second half of it and you get everything from it. Artie said it sounds like it's kind of a prequel more than a remake. Rob said that's kind of what it is.
Howard gave Rob a plug for his movie and said that it opens on August 31st. He asked Rob how he's doing and what else is going on. Rob said he's going to be starting his press junket soon so that's what he's got planned. Howard told him to give his best to his wife Sheri and let him go.
Howard said it's a good thing that Rob got out of the rock business. At least he can make money doing the movie thing unlike rock stars these days. The whole music industry has changed. Howard and the guys spent a few minutes talking about that. They talked about how Rob might not be able to make these movies today if he hadn't done well when he was performing in his band.
Howard said that Rob is an excentric guy and he wondered if he killed his parents like Michael Myers did. He said the guy has to be really committed to deal with that big hair of his. Fred looked up some info about Rob and found that he was raised while his parents worked in a carnival and brought him out on the road with them. Howard said there's something fucked up in Rob's background. That beard and hair shows that he's messed up.
An e-mailer asked Howard if Bubba is going to be there in 2008 since his contract is up. Howard said he hopes that Bubba stays, but his contract is up at the end of this year. He also read some e-mail about Lonnie leaving Scores. Some people don't care and told Howard that it's hardly tragic that he's left the place. Howard asked Ronnie if he's heard anything from Lonnie lately.
Ronnie came in and said that he didn't go to Scores on Friday. He took his mother out to dinner instead. He had dinner with Lonnie at a real restaurant on Thursday night. He didn't have any updates on Lonnie's job search though.
Howard read through some more email about Sal and his lack of knowledge about history. There was some positive feedback about Gambling Dan. Howard read through that stuff and about some other things that went on last week like that 17 year old Kenny who came in. There was also some feedback about Jim Florentine wanting to date Robin.
Howard said that he read in the paper that there's this thing called Sonos that's going to have SIRIUS available on it. Gary came in and explained how it's something that connects through your home network and can pull SIRIUS in through that. He said that they used to have crappy web based radio stations on it but now they have SIRIUS available. Howard said he didn't know what it was until Gary told him about it. Gary said it's very cool stuff.
Howard asked Gary if they have any update on the Jackie Puppet. Gary said they think that it's been stolen. He said the Howard TV guys are going to go back and look at old tapes to figure out when it may have been stolen. He said he spoke to Jackie about it and Jackie got really mad at him for even suggesting that he took it.
Gary said that a guy sent Fred an e-mail and it was very convincing that he had the puppet so that's why they contacted him.
Howard said that John the Stutterer is back tonight on Howard 101 at 7pm. He said that he's apparently very popular on there. Artie said that people should call in and bust his balls tonight. Howard said that a majority of the people must have liked it and asked to hear him on again.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they ever thought about doing a whole weekend of phony phone calls. Howard said he guesses they could do that but you have to kind of pepper them throughout a show. Artie said that they probably couldn't sustain a whole 4 hour show with that stuff.
Howard said he had one that he wanted to play but Rob Zombie was back on the phone. He asked Rob about his childhood since they were talking about that after they got off the phone with him earlier. He said he figured that Rob didn't like his parents or something. He asked if that was the case. Rob said that everything is fine with them. He said it's normal with them. He did have to spend a lot of time at carnivals when he was a kid and he wasn't too thrilled with that. He said that he went to college for a little while but he got kicked out because he hated it so much. He still has a pretty normal relationship with his parents.
Howard asked Rob if he ever gives out his real name. He doesn't do that anymore, he had his name changed. He said he had some strange things that he did in his life like buying the Munsters car. He said he didn't drive around in it, that would have been pathetic. Howard said he must have had it wrong about his life then. He said that it seems to be pretty normal.
Howard said he didn't mean to bug Rob and told everyone to go see this Halloween movie. He spent a little more time talking to Rob and then let him go.
Howard said they have to see this movie called ''King of Kong'' which is a documentary about some guys who are in their 30s and still playing the arcade version of the game Donkey Kong. He played some audio from the movie where the guys are talking about the game and why they play so much. Richard said that to beat the record you have to beat it at this place called Fun Spot in New Hampshire because they keep track of it. Gary said he heard that if you do claim to beat the score on another machine, you have to submit video of you playing the whole game to that guy.
Howard played more clips from the movie where this guy claims that they've never seen this one guy play even though he claims to have the record. Richard said that guy is really funny looking too. He said there's one guy who had to fly to New Hampshire to beat the record because no one believed that he could beat it. There's a Donkey Kong kill screen that comes up when you get to a certain point so they interrupt a discussion in the movie to let people know that it was coming up.
The guys listened to the clip and laughed when they heard the guys talking about that stuff. The crowd applauded when the ''kill screen'' showed up there at Fun Spot. Howard said that if you reach that spot it means you've reached the maximum level. Richard said you can get a higher score on different machines though so they're different. He said that there are no women among these guys, it's all just dudes who hang out and play the game.
Richard said there were some other funny clips to play. Howard went through some of the titles and Richard picked out the funny ones for him to play. He picked one clip where this group gets together and watches video tapes to make sure that these people are really breaking these records. In this clip there's a guy who's playing a game of Lady Bug and the guys refused to interrupt him.
In another clip there's a guy talking about the games he plays and how he avoids injuring himself while playing. There's another guy who claims that he's had pretty girls come up to him and say to him that they've seen that he's good at Centipede.
Richard said he's never even been able to get past the first screen in Donkey Kong. He said it's harder than you'd think. Howard said he knows it's hard but he thinks that people would spend their lives dedicated to something else.
Shuli said that Steve wants him to find out where Jim and Robin are going on their date but Jim won't give out any information about it. Robin said that there was no coverage of Howard's first date with Beth so she doesn't want anyone covering her date. Howard said this is different, this is her life, not his. She said that Howard got very upset when they started to get too close to his personal life.
Artie said he likes how Robin is making it sound like Jim could be her Beth. Robin said that was a huge leap though. Howard said he felt the same way about it. He asked Robin what she's going to wear. She didn't know because she has no idea where they're going. She said she'd have to know first.
Howard asked Robin if she's going to wear the new watch he got her. She said it all depends on where they're going. Shuli said that Jim is very excited about this date and he's taking it seriously. Robin said that if it was happening in her personal life, no one would ever know about it. She said that she would never have asked Jim for his number off the air. Howard said he believes that because she's actually very shy.
Howard said that Robin doesn't want to be hurt by Jim either. He said that she'll just want it to go away if things don't work out. He figures that she would like things to work out and for her to become Jimmy's lover. She said that she's just agreed to go out to dinner, that doesn't mean anything. Artie said ''to Jim it does...'' She told everyone not to read anything into this.
Howard said that Jim has checked in while being out on the road. Artie said that means a lot because when you're a comedian out on the road, you really have to be into a chick to check in with her. Robin said that they're making a big deal out of nothing. Howard said that Jim and Bob Levy have pulled trains on chicks so that's the kind of guy that she's going to be with. Shuli said he saw Jim's sack one time and he really has huge balls. He said it was an accident when he saw him though. Shuli said that his penis is average but his balls are huge.
Robin wondered why all of these guys are talking about Jim's balls like that. Artie said he didn't want to see them but Jim pulled them out and showed him for no apparent reason one time. Howard said that he can hear Robin asking Steve to leave the room while Jim has his balls on her face. He did an impression of what that might sound like by covering his mouth and talking to his hand.
Shuli said that he learned last night on Miserable Men that Jim doesn't fart in front of the women he dates. Howard wondered what Jim was going to be doing with Robin. He said he'll probably be flipping her around and stuff like that. Howard asked Shuli if he's seen Jim naked and if he's in good shape. Shuli said he hasn't seen him naked but he is in good shape.
All of the guys were doing their impressions of Jim and goofing around about what he might say to Robin. Howard asked Robin what a set of balls is supposed to look like. She said they shouldn't be all over the place. Howard said he thinks his look good when they're tight but when they hang, they're nasty looking. Artie said his look horrible all the time.
Howard asked Robin if she could take Jim seriously if he started to whisper in her ear or something. She said she might start laughing. Robin said that she's looking at this like practice because she knows it's not going anywhere. Howard said he can picture Jim doing all kinds of stuff to Robin. He pictures her licking her all over and loads dropping all over. He said he can see Jim getting really physical with her because Jim is a big guy. He said he sees him being very sexual with her.
Howard had Shuli continue his news preview after all of that. Shuli said that they have an update on the Superfan Roundtable controversy between Mutt and Joey Boots. Eric the Midget is claiming he'll be calling into other SIRIUS shows, but not Howard's. Howard said that everyone should ban Eric until he comes back on this show. Then he said he doesn't care and they should let Eric do whatever he wants.
Shuli said that Debbie the Queefer was upset that they didn't have her on the Queef Off last week. Howard said that it wasn't an official queef off so she should calm down. Shuli got in a quick plug for John the Stutterer's show that's on tonight at 7 on Howard 101.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. They'll be talking about the Nicole Bass call and everything that went on during that segment. Howard said they're done giving money to people like that. He said it was the only way to get out of that whole thing though. Jon said they'll also be talking about Sal and High Pitch's history test and about Rob Zombie's call today.
Howard saw that she had a tongue ring in there so she told the guys that the girls like it. She's into girls and said something that Howard hit the dump on. She went on to say that she did a truth or dare thing and ended up making out with a girl when she was down in Atlantic City one time. Howard told her that she's a beautiful woman and she's the perfect choice for them.
Artie offered her $10,000 to sleep with him. He said that it would be for an afternoon. She said that's illegal so she can't say anything. That sounded like a yes to some of the guys. The woman is 25 years old but Robin said she looks very young. Artie said that they could double date with Jim and his new girl, Robin. Robin said that this girl might be the right girl for Jim. Artie didn't like that.
Howard found out that this girl does nude fitness modeling so Howard wanted to see that. Fred played a drum roll and she took her top off and flexed for them. She said that she shows her vagina when she models but she wouldn't do it because they wouldn't pay her. Gary said they were paying her with an unbelievable amount of promotion.
Artie pulled out a wad of money and showed it to this girl. He was going to give her whatever he had to show her vagina. She did some more modeling for them and said that she's 5'6'' tall. She went over and collected his money and found that it was $600. The guys told her that she should have sat on Artie's lap for that kind of money. She said she'd do that and went over and sat on his lap. Howard told him to behave himself. Artie asked Howard to go to break.
Artie said that he's going to this Playboy party next month so he invited this chick to go with him. She said that she'll probably be there doing some modeling.
Howard found out that this girl once had a foursome. She said it was two girls and two guys. It started out with just one guy but that guy called a friend to come over. Howard finally asked her about her name and said that it was Arian. He said that she'll be doing the wrap-arounds for Howard TV for the next month so she'll be the face of Howard TV for a while.
Artie said he thinks he's become smitten with this chick. They spent a few more minutes talking to her about how she uses protection all the time and what she enjoys sexually. She said she likes to be smacked hard on the ass when she's got a guy doing her from behind. Artie said that he's not going to marry this chick or anything but he would like her to leave her number with his assistant.
Howard played some ''dropping loads'' clips for Artie and Arian. She got in a plug for her web site ArianaMarie.com and told the guys what she does on there. Howard was going to wrap up but Artie was still trying to work his magic to get a date with her. She said she lives in Miami and Las Vegas which are a couple of Artie's favorite places. Howard asked him how his late night FOX pilot was coming along. He said that they're still writing the pilot and working on the show. Artie was talking about some of the other stuff he's got in the works and Arian said that he was looking even better to her.
Arian said that she blogs so the guys asked her what she blogs about. She said that she's got a really crazy life so she just writes about that. She said that she's going to fly out to Vegas on a private jet with a guy who gave her ten grand. She said that the guy might want to bang her but she won't do that. She said the guy is like around 45-50 and she met him down in Atlantic City. She said that he's got a suite out at Caesar's but she has her own place to stay.
Howard was going to go to break but Doug Goodstein came in and told Arian not to move. They had another Miss Howard TV lined up for October and she's going to be hot too. Doug said that he was honored to be standing next to her and said that they're still looking for more Miss Howard TV women so they can check out Howard.tv for more information. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard noticed that she's wasting away to nothing and losing even more weight. Robin said she's only lost another pound or so. She said she's now in the process of becoming a vegan and she has a DVD she needs to show to Howard to make him see what the diet of this country is doing to people. She said that you don't need cholesterol because your body creates it. She also said that anything killed will give you cholesterol and your body doesn't need that.
Howard said that his daughter is a vegetarian and he's not sure what the difference is. Artie asked if Vegans can eat Pop-Tarts. Robin said no to that but Howard figured that was fine.
Howard asked Artie if he was talking to that chick out there in the hall. Artie said they were actually interviewing him about other stuff so he didn't get to talk to her. Howard tried to ask Benjy if he thinks that he could get a chick like that. Benjy didn't give a straight answer though so Howard cut off his microphone and told him to forget it. He cut him off and told Artie to just drop the conversation so they could move on.
Robin got to her news and brought up one story about this singer from the band Maroon 5 who was claiming to have banged this tennis chick Maria Sharapova. She didn't move during sex according to the article and she just laid there like a frog. That led to Fred playing a frog sound effect that was cracking Artie up.
A caller asked to hear some of the new Baba Booey song parodies that they played earlier in the show so Howard played a bunch of them for the guy. The caller liked one in particular and asked Howard to sell that one as a ring tone. Gary told Howard that he'd missed one so Howard played a bunch of others. They had some fun with those and then Robin got back to her news. She wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
Howard started off the show talking about a WWE wrestling event that JD had playing in his office. He said that it does come across kind of gay. He said one guy was wearing a thong and it was kind of strange. Artie said that Ultimate Fighting is kind of gay looking too. He said he used to love boxing but the Ultimate Fighting is the biggest thing now. They have guys straddling other guys and they choke each other for 10 minutes straight and it looks very homoerotic.
The guys talked about how wrestling is all about getting dressed up and getting into make up and stuff. It's all very gay and theatrical. Howard said that he was watching the guys all oiled up and wrestling around while they were in bikini like outfits.
Howard said that he thinks it's right for him to be banned because they only have a few people on the show and it's an honor to be on the show. This is also the second time he didn't show up to the show. King said that he didn't remember why he didn't show up the last time but he's usually very reliable. He's never failed to show up for work in 20 years.
Howard told King that it's a group dynamic and they need the guests there to make the show run smoothly. He said that King could have called in from some other phone if he didn't have his own cell phone. Howard said this guy dies to get on the radio and then they had him this forum to get on and he abuses that privilege. He said that if you have a kid that won't go to sleep at night, you have to punish them in some way. That's why they've banned him from the show.
King said that he wants to throw it out there that he wanted one more chance. He was taking forever to get his questions out so Howard just yelled at him to ask the questions. He eventually asked what kind of phone Howard has because he wants to get the exact same one. He told Howard to take out the battery in the back to tell him what model it was. Artie asked Howard why he was entertaining this whole thing. Howard just did it and took out the battery. It turns out it's a Palm Treo 755 and King already had that one. He said he and Howard both had it in the same color, burgundy.
King got all excited that he had the same phone. Howard told King that it's almost passive aggressive what he did to the guys on Superfan Roundtable. He said that he'd never have him on again if he was Mutt. He said Mutt can do what he wants, he can have him on this week if he wants but he can't blame them for banning him.
Jason, who produces Superfan Roundtable, came in and said that he really got pissed off after that because he spoke to him the day before and he told him that he was definitely going to be there. King told Jason that if he has him on in the near future and he'll bring them something down there to make up for it. He said he'd have a gift and something that would surprise him. Jason said that the show is booked for the next two months so he'll talk to him after that. Howard let King go and moved on.
Howard had some audio from John the Stutterer's show where he slams Bill O'Reilly. He was reading some notes about the guy so he hardly stuttered when he was going off on him. Artie thought he sounded great talking about those guys and he thinks that he could end up with his own network show if he keeps it up.
Howard played another clip where John the Stutterer goes off on Hillary Clinton after taking a call from someone who asked him for his opinion. John said she's not his first choice, Dennis Kucinich is. He had some trouble getting out his thoughts on all of that though. He was stuttering quite a bit during that explanation.
Howard said that John has a lot of information and it's interesting but he's got some delivery there. Robin said it makes it more exciting because you're waiting on his every word.
Gary came in and said that the boys, Sal and Richard, had just passed along a new phony phone call that they made using John the Stutterer audio clips. Howard went into the call which was to a guy by the name of Ralph. They had John the Stutterer yelling at him. John always goes off on Ralph so they had a lot of clips where he mentions Ralph's name. The guy on the phone gets really pissed at John and yells at him and calls him names. He also calls John a lady.
Howard said that the guy that John supports, Kucinich, voted against the XM/SIRIUS merger. The guys said that's just not right. That led to the guys talking about what a joke it is that they haven't given an answer to them about the merger yet when other mergers take just a couple of weeks to go through. Artie said that Will Ferrell has a web site where he puts up video clips and even that should be considered competition for all of these other things like regular radio.
Fred was doing his impression of John and Artie said he's glad he does it because he wouldn't have the energy to do it himself. He also said that he's seen John's pain when he went out with him to dinner out in Las Vegas. He said the guy can't communicate and it's got to be tough.
Howard played some more audio clips from John's show and then got into a discussion about the old show they played last Friday where he was backing up President Bush's move into Iraq back in 2003. He said he was embarrassed by that but he was hoodwinked by them back then about the whole Weapons of Mass Destruction thing. He said that John commented on that last night on his show. He played the audio of that moment. Artie said he heard that part of the show last night and thought it was great. John was going to try and explain what Howard said but he was having stuttering problems. He then went into an explanation of what Howard said and Howard had to stop it for a few seconds. He said he couldn't take it. Artie said he was laughing really hard at one part of that explanation John gave.
Howard said that John needs to come up with some new words that would help him get through the day, kind of like Bubba the Love Sponge does. Artie said he was listening to Bubba yesterday and said that he really does have his own language over there. That led to the guys talking about Bubba's diet and how he's trying to lose quite a bit of weight. Artie said Bubba was eating some ribs and stuff on the show but it was a best of show from last year. He said Bubba was looking heavy the last time he was in the city.
Jimmy asked Robin if she really thinks that John the Stutterer is scripted out. She said that he's not scripted but when he doesn't get a line right in his head, he goes back to the start and does it all over again.
Jimmy asked Howard about the comments he made back in 2003. Howard said he got some feedback about that because he talked about how embarrassed he was by that whole thing when he heard the replay last week. Howard said it was actually painful to hear it again. He said he got sick hearing it and had to turn off the radio.
Jimmy said that there are actually bumper stickers out there with January 20, 2009 on them because that's the last day Bush can be President. Gary said he's actually got one on his car. Howard wondered why he'd do that because it can be nothing but trouble. Jimmy said that he has nothing on his car but a Howard Stern sticker. Howard said he wouldn't even put that on his own car. That can be kind of dangerous.
Gary said that as he was talking about how dangerous that could be, he heard Scott DePace yelling at Jason out in the office. DePace came into the studio and Howard said that he's still supporting the war in Iraq. DePace said that he was out driving around one day and saw someone with an F-Bush bumper sticker and he followed the guy for like an hour and wanted to kill the guy. He said it's disrespectful and he didn't like it. He didn't follow the guy because of it, but he was stuck behind him.
Howard said that you don't want to distinguish yourself out there by sticking stuff on your car. It's pushing it in someone's face when you do that. Robin said they have the right to do what they want with their cars though. Howard said that you have to understand the world when you do stuff like that. Robin said she doesn't put anything on her car but she'll defend the right to do it.
Howard said that Ronnie the Limo Driver has a nice truck but he has stickers all over it. He's got Playboy bunny mud flaps and things like that as well. Robin said she saw a woman who had written all over her car and even wrote her phone number on it.
Scott said that when he sees a car with stickers on it, he always sizes up the person and they always look like the same person. He said they're always some liberal wearing glasses.
Artie said that he has a friend that came up with a bumper sticker that would piss off everyone in the world. It would read ''I love nig*ers.'' Howard said that's what DePace should get on his car. DePace couldn't believe that Gary would put a bumper sticker on his car because it's such a nice car. Gary said it's just a magnet that comes off so it's not stuck on there permanently or anything.
Howard said that Gary is desperate to get his thoughts out and there's no reason to do that on your car. Jimmy said that he used to put his phone number on the back of his car. He said he'd get phone calls from people who would ask him why the hell he'd put his phone number on his car.
Artie thought it was odd that Scott would get so mad at someone for just putting a sticker on their car. He found that to be very strange. Artie was going to give out the name of his friend who came up with the idea for that bumper sticker but Howard said he didn't want to know.
Jimmy said he loves when Artie gets so crazy laughing that he can't stop. He said he was doing that yesterday and he loved it. He also said he'd love to hear more about the Prader-Willi story that Artie has told on the show before. He said he loves when he does stuff like that.
Howard said he had to thank Jimmy because he was out in Denmark doing a show where he had the audience chanting that Artie weighs 300 pounds. He played some audio from that concert where this guy gets on stage and tells the crowd what to say in English. The whole place then breaks out in ''Artie weighs 300'' over and over again. Artie thanked him for that.
Howard played another clip where they had a huge audience chanting ''Sal is a homo'' over and over again. Jimmy said that he loves SIRIUS internet radio because he can listen to the show all over the world. He said he's in Russia and Latvia and he can listen to the show wherever they're at.
Howard asked Jimmy what's worse, Russia or Latvia. He said that Russia is probably worse. He said that there are some spots in Russia where the women come up to you and beg for money trying to sell flowers to you. When you give them money, they take it and then eat the flowers they're carrying. That led to Robin talking about going to India and having people begging for money there. She said she got there and got right out of there as soon as she could. She said that there are beggars all over the place over there.
Artie asked Jimmy about his partner Jared because he heard that he was going to move to Germany. Jimmy said he actually did move over there to Berlin and he goes over to stay with him once in a while. He said that they just don't care that much about the same things they care about here in the U.S.
Jimmy said that he wants to do a special with Mark the Bagger sometime. He also said that he'd like a chance to come in and write for Howard the next time Benjy comes in late. He suggested that they suspend Benjy and let him come in and write for him instead. Howard said that's a good idea. He told Benjy he's now on notice. He said that they could just suspend Benjy with pay and he'd fill in for him.
Jimmy said that he sent Howard a picture of this chick who dated that guy Mark Philippoussis. He claims that Mark used to call the chick and tell her that he was going to kill the two of them when she'd let him know what she was doing. Howard figured Mark was just joking around but Jimmy seemed to think the guy is out of his mind.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's been to some crazy clubs over in Europe where they do all kinds of sexual stuff. Jimmy said there are actually Bukkake clubs there and there are women who let a group of guys jerk off on her. Jimmy and the caller were sharing stories about the hot chicks there are over in countries like Russia and Czechoslovakia.
Bobo called in and told Howard that he teaches his driving course students that putting bumper stickers on your car leads to road rage. That led to Howard looking at a picture of Ronnie the Limo Driver's truck with all of the stickers on it. He said he doesn't get why he'd do that. Howard let Jimmy and Bobo go a short time later.
Howard said he needs Beth's attention on him and that's what women need. He said that he'd be fine with Beth taking a job like that as long as she was home at night. He went on to say that he puts all of his eggs in one basket and needs constant attention. He said he doesn't know how Artie and Robin live alone.
Robin said that she told Howard that there was no way he could be single for long. Howard had to have someone with him. Howard said that when he was dating Angie Everhart, he knew things weren't going to work out because she was out having her own life every night. He's found that he's a very needy human being.
Howard told the guy that he wouldn't be able to handle Beth going away to another state to work. He said he likes when she pays attention to him. Howard went to break a short time after that.
Will the Farter came in wearing pants with the ass cut out of them so he could fart for the guys. He demonstrated his farting for a few seconds. Howard told him to save that for this bit they were going to do. Howard gave him some plugs for his web site, WillTheFarter.com, and said that he also wants people to know that Farts.com is for sale. His friend actually owns that domain name.
Howard explained how they have 3 women there this morning to want to get on the show for various reasons. He said he's going to offer them plugs on the show but they have to meet Will the Farter first. He said that they're going to have to go through 30 seconds of farting and Will will have powder in there that will be blown on their faces.
Gary said that they really hadn't decided on how long they have to make the girls go through this torture. Howard had the guys bring in the girls a short time later. They had no idea what they were in for. Howard said hello to Rabbit, Lie Lani and Emily who were all there to get plugs. Rabbit had an interpreter with her because she can barely speak English. Howard told the girls they were going to have to do something for their plugs today. He then had Will the Farter demonstrate what he does. Will farted for them and got some of the girls giggling.
Howard told the girls that they were going to have to take 1 minute of farts to their faces to get their plugs. Rabbit was laughing so she knew what was going on even though she doesn't speak very good English. She told Howard that she actually understood most of it. The interpreter said that she understands about 90 percent of what he's saying.
Rabbit was the first one up and she agreed to let Will do his thing to her. She seemed to be taking it pretty well and giggled as she was preparing to take the farts. She asked, in Polish, what Will eats and how he does this all day long. They had her get down on all fours to take the farts in her face. She took off her clothes so she wouldn't get any powder on them. She was only 21 years old and Howard said that her boobs defied gravity.
Will started to fart so Howard started the timer. She was laughing and screaming at the same time. Will had powder blasting out of his ass. She let out an ''Oh Jesus'' at one point. Howard welcomed her to America and told her she had 5 seconds left. Gary said she did amazing.
Howard told Rabbit that she did amazing and asked how it was for her. She said that it wasn't too smelly. Howard read some stuff about her and found out she's bisexual and she likes men's feet. Howard told her that she could give her plug after that. She had a web site to plug so Howard said that you can see her at Rabbit86.com and Phil-Flash.com.
Howard moved on to porn star Lie Lani and told her that she had to do the same thing that Rabbit had just done. Howard asked Will if he could squat over a woman's face and fart on her. Will said he could do that. Lie Lani laughed. She said that it was worth it to her to do that so she was willing to do it. She said that she's only been doing porn for about a year now. Howard asked her if she wanted to take her clothes off for this. She stripped down and got on the floor to let Will do his thing.
Lie Lani was laying under Will's ass and he started farting out his powder right away. She was laughing and screaming when he's blast in her face. He got powder on her and she said it was so warm. Howard told her to hang in there when she had about 15 seconds left.
When Lie Lani was done she said she felt like a ''Fart Mime.'' She also said that his ass was touching her face. Howard asked her what she was doing before she got into porn. She said she was actually doing interior design. She said she likes to do bondage stuff. She said she likes suspension bondage and she does ''level 5'' stuff. She also shared some stories about having a 9 minute orgasm. She said she's also done a gang bang and enjoyed that. Howard played some audio from one of Lie Lani's porn movies. She said that her parents know what she does but they don't follow her career. Howard gave Lie Lani a plug for her web site LieLani.com and for KickAss.com
Howard moved on to the next woman, Emily, who claims to be the female Artie Lange. She said that she's been listening to the show for a couple of years now and she really likes Artie and his stories. She thinks that they have similar stories so that's why she likes him so much. She was willing to take the farts from Will so she got down on the floor and Will started blasting away on her. He had some huge farts coming out and Emily just took it. She laughed a few times while it was going on. She said she was fine after it was over.
Artie told Emily that she could have just met him out at a restaurant in Hoboken without getting farted on. Howard asked her about why she thinks that she's like Artie. She's spent the night in jail, she's got an addictive personality like Artie does and things like that. She said that she went blind in one eye and said that it was from a retinal detachment. She had a retinal reattachment surgery done. She's also got some shitting her pants stories.
Howard read that Emily was addicted to anal sex for about 6 months. She said that there's no substitute for that anal orgasm. She also told some stories about seeing Leslie Bibb naked when she was working with her for a while.
Emily claims she cheated on her first husband and got caught. She's not with him anymore. She also likes to streak. She told Artie about what a big fan she is and Artie told her that he thinks she should watch the Beer League premiere this Friday night on Comedy Central. Will started farting while they were talking about that.
Emily kept talking while Will was farting away. Artie offered Emily to come up to one of his shows but Will was just blasting away over their conversation. Artie said that she and her husband could come up to see him at Town Hall in October.
Howard wrapped up after that and thanked Will for his farting. He also thanked the girls and gave them their plugs. Gary asked Howard if he was going to let Rabbit out of there without a Sybian ride. Howard asked her if she wanted to ride it and her interpreter asked if she wanted to do it. Rabbit quickly agreed to do it so they set up the machine for her. She got on and they started the Sybian vibrating. She was giggling and laughing as it was vibrating her. She said it was nice and giggled the whole time. When she was done she said it was ''awesome.''
Howard wrapped up with Rabbit and said that
Howard played a clip from a news report about Michael Vick where the female reporter says ''by accepting the dick'' instead of ''by accepting the deal.'' Howard played another clip from a news report where a reporter says ''at eleven o'cock.''
Howard said he was reading about this guy Michael Vick and the dog fighting he was involved with. He said that they found some stuff in his house and found 66 dogs and ''rape stand'' for dogs. Howard said he wonders if this guy just doesn't know that something like that is wrong.
Howard read the article about Vick and talked about how disturbing it was. The guys talked about how you can find a lot of crazy shit going on around this country if you make a wrong turn down some back country road.
Lisa said that she doesn't see a problem with the news team waiting for Robin and Jim outside a restaurant. Robin said it's fine as long as they leave her alone.
Lisa said that they have a story about a healer who claims that she can interpret the Biahvians symbols that Riley Martin sells. She can do that interpretation for $20. Howard had Riley on the phone and Riley said there are only 3 people who can interpret them and this woman is one of them. He said he doesn't know why she can interpret them and he doesn't know why he knew that he was in love with Robin before he even met her.
Riley said that if Howard could retrieve the symbol that he threw in the garbage, this woman that Lisa was talking about could interpret it for him. Howard gave Riley a plug for his show that airs Tuesday nights at Midnight. Howard said the guys didn't give him a plug for him though, they only gave him Jackie's plug. Riley told them ''Fuck you all very much, but I love you...'' as he was getting off the phone.
Lisa said that they have a story about Jeff the Drunk asking for more hand outs from a generous fan who helped him out with some of his hospital bills. Artie knows what that's like because he's had the same thing happen to him. Howard let Lisa go after that.
Howard said he knows everyone hates Ralph but he's fascinated by this. Sam said that he and his girlfriend had to get away from the house for the weekend because they were so bothered by everything. He wanted to talk to Ralph but he had to get to Mary McCormack.
Robin said that her favorite scene was when Howard took Mary and kissed her at their wedding scene. It was unscripted and Mary didn't expect it. Howard said he remembers doing that in front of Mary's boyfriend. She didn't think he was there that day but Howard said he remembers him being there that day.
Howard said that Mary had an elective caesarian section done on her so she could save her vag from the damage. He said that she tricked her vagina into thinking that it never had a baby. Mary said that she barely felt that anything was happening that day. She said the word ''literally'' during that explanation and Howard pointed out how she pronounces the word and how she uses it so often. Howard said she uses that word a lot too and he monitors everything she does.
Howard said that Mary did this independent film that was so good that he told her she had to plug it. It's called ''Right at Your Door'' and it's opening this Friday in 15 cities. She said that they're hoping it can open wide after that. Howard said the movie is like an excellent Twilight Zone episode. He said it's really great and about what would happen if a dirty bomb went off. He told her that she did a really good job in the movie.
Mary said they shot the movie for 19 days and they did it for under a million as far as she knows. Howard said that Mary has done very well since appearing in his movie. He said that Paul Giamatti is doing really well too.
Howard said he really has to get into that acting thing again. He really enjoyed making that movie. Mary said she's doing a new TV show but they're changing the name from Mary Sunshine to ''In Plain Sight.'' Howard said that they should have called it ''Witness Protection'' because that's what it's about. He didn't like the name when he heard about it from Mary.
Howard asked Mary how her body is these days. She said it's actually good. She's been working out and hardly eating so she's in shape. She thanked Howard for the gift he and Beth sent for her baby. Howard spent a minute talking about that and then asked her how her marriage is going. She said that's going good too. Howard said he was kind of surprised that worked out, he didn't think that it was going to make it. He's now directing and producing the show ''Brothers and Sisters'' for ABC.
Mary wanted to get Howard on her TV show so she suggested that he come on and do it. Howard said he's going to need a lot of rehearsal with her doing sex scenes if he actually did the show. He wrapped up with her and let her go a short time later.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk after the retard bit. Jeff said he heard that they were talking bad about him. Artie said there's no other way to talk about him. Howard said that he was talking about how Jeff was calling this person who helped him pay his hospital bills and not leaving them alone. Jeff said that's not true though. He said he's going back into the hospital on the 4th of September for more surgery. He has to stay in for 3 more weeks.
Jeff said he shaved his head for the hell of it. Howard seemed bored by the conversation so he let Jeff go and said he hopes that he's okay. Howard said he's got nothing to talk about and he's not sure what Jeff wants from him. Artie said that's the way he talks to him as well and it's like he's trying to make him feel guilty about the way he talks to him.
Howard played a new song about Robin that comedian Mike Morse created. The song was to the tune of ''Jack and Diane'' and it was about Robin's cans. There was also a song parody about Artie from a fan of the show. He played that one and went to break a short time later. They weren't able to wake Ralph up to talk about the Sam Simon thing.
bob told Robin that Mr. F (Jim Florentine) said to say hello to him. Howard asked him what he thinks about that whole thing. Bob said he's very happy for Jim and he thinks that he's very serious about it. Bob said he'd like to think that he'd be able to pull a train on Robin with Jim but he said he was just kidding about that.
Howard asked Bob what's going on with his marriage. Bob is divorced but he still lives in the same house with her and his son. He said that his son is moving up to the attic soon so he'll be able to move into his son's old room. Bob said they don't yell at each other anymore and they're just trying to make things comfortable for their son. He said that's what it's all about, his son.
Howard said that yesterday he saw that Ryan Seacrest is going to be hosting the Emmy Awards and that really annoys him. He said that Ryan is claiming that he's actually a comedian so that makes sense to him. Howard said he doesn't believe he is a comedian but maybe he did start out like that. Gary said he's also opening up the Super Bowl show next year. The guys goofed on Ryan for a few minutes. Howard read that Ryan has the number 1 show in Los Angeles morning drive but he found that hard to believe too.
Ryan has all kinds of shows going on right now and even hosts the American top 40 radio show that Casey Kasem used to do. Howard read through the list of shows he's doing this year and there are quite a few. Artie said he must have been quite a kiss ass intern. Howard got a note about Ryan's morning show actually being number 3 in the L.A. market. The number one show is actually a Spanish show. Howard said he was glad that Ryan wasn't number 1.
Al Rosenberg called in and said that he heard that Ryan does a gossip game with a female gossip columnist where they have four gossip stories and they have to pick out a fake one from the list. He said it was a blatant rip off of what Howard has been doing forever. Howard said people just pick and choose what to rip off from his show these days.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in to deliver something for Howard and Bob ended up getting into an argument with him. Bob said that he and Ronnie had been getting along with each other just fine because they hadn't talked in a long time.
Howard talked to Bob about working with Artie after all of the stuff that went down between them. Bob said that he and Artie are fine and they're back to working together again. They're doing a show out in Detroit. That led to Artie saying that he wanted to bring JD out there to Detroit but he kind of weaseled his way out of that whole thing. JD said that he didn't weasel his way out, he just didn't care about going.
Howard asked Bob if he thinks that Jim Florentine is such a weird guy that he shouldn't let him go out with Robin. Bob said he's fine and there's no reason to stop that. Bob said that as long as he's not around, Jim should be fine. He said that he and Jim did do some stuff with women over the years when they'd be doing the chick at the same time. He said that they giggle like school girls while they're banging the chicks. He said it's fun.
Artie asked Bob if he was upset that Tracey Morgan used his dick joke on the air recently. Bob said that stuff just makes him laugh now, he doesn't care about it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's in a similar situation as Bob is. He said he was helping out with the kids even after he got divorced. He said that his kids came out somewhat normal even after the divorce. Howard said that divorce is the worst for kids. He said that they can just never get over it. The caller and Bob agreed on how to make that work.
Howard told Ralph that Sam told him that Ralph breaks his stuff out there in California. He broke the dishwasher, air conditioning, WiFi and other things. He also lost the remote for the gate to get into the house. Sam claims that he's never had anyone break anything in his house before when they stay. Ralph broke a bunch of stuff.
Ralph said that he's not going to talk about it. He said that there are some things there that are inaccurate and he's not sure if Sam is doing a bit. He wasn't sure if Sam left his house because of him. He said Sam goes to Malibu from time to time and he didn't think he left because of him.
Ralph said he did lose the gate remote but didn't break the dishwasher. He said that he put some stuff in the dishwasher and it didn't work so he called a guy to come out and check it. The guy told him that it broke because it doesn't get used enough. It broke because of dry rot. Ralph wasn't sure about the air conditioning breaking but he said it just didn't work when he went to use it.
Gary said that someone else asked Ralph about some scratches on the BMW that he had borrowed. Ralph said that he didn't even drive that car, it was Chris Booker who did that and tried to blame it on him. Ralph said he doesn't break people's stuff. He claims that he doesn't abuse anything when he goes to a hotel so he wouldn't do that at someone's house.
Fred defended Ralph and said he had a similar problem with his dishwasher so he should be off the hook on that. He also said that things do break when you don't use them a lot so Sam's guest house may have a lot of stuff that doesn't work. Ralph just discovered that the things didn't work. He thinks that Sam is trying to suck up to Howard by doing that. Ralph said that he didn't break any circuit breakers like Sam was claiming either. He said that the guys who fixed that stuff said it wasn't installed correctly.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that Ralph does screw himself over and once failed to pay his bill for the warehouse where he stored stuff and they ended up selling it all on him. Ralph was saying that he's not going to go out to see Sam this week. He's going to postpone the trip because he has other things going on.
Ralph said that he's going to spend time out at Howard's house instead. He can break some stuff out there instead. Artie said he's actually going to be out there this weekend because he's going to a concert out there. Robin said she's going to be out in L.A. This weekend and they could hang out.
Ralph said he's tried e-mailing Sam and he's not returning his e-mails so maybe he overstayed his welcome. He said they might need a break from each other. Ralph said he has to go back out there but he won't go back tomorrow like he was going to. Howard let Ralph go and played the Ralphie Cakes theme song that Mike Morse created.
Howard gave Bob a plug for the porn movie he's in which is called ''Stood Up.'' Bob said that the movie is selling really well. Artie asked Bob if he's dating Savanna Samson who is in the movie with him. Bob got to hang out with Savanna Samson and she gave him some treats but he's not dating her.
Howard played some Iron Sheik audio clips from the Scott Ferrall show. Bob said that he went out to dinner with Sheik one night and the guy is calm at first but then he starts getting louder and louder and starts yelling.
Howard asked Bob about getting a blow job from Savanna and wondered why he doesn't go back for more. Bob said that he's got a weird life going on right now and he doesn't want to cause any shit at home so he doesn't want to do that Savanna thing. He said he doesn't want to hear the yelling and stuff from his ex-wife. He said it's all just really weird. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said he knows that Robin is hesitant to fall for Jim but she shouldn't put up any walls, she should just let down her guard and let things happen. Robin said that it could all go very wrong if they did end up doing something. Bob said he thinks that this could work. Artie said he could hear Jim asking her to plug his upcoming comedy gigs. Howard said he doesn't see Jim caring about that stuff though.
Ralph was on the phone and said that he thinks Jim is using Robin. He said that you don't let a news team cover your date. Robin said that isn't a good thing and it's bullshit to let the news team cover the date. Robin asked Howard why he's so in Jim's corner on this. Howard said this date thing just came up during his visit recently and Jim said he'd like to date Robin. He said he believes that Jim is attracted to Robin. Artie said he disagrees and said that Jim just wrote a diet book so that's what he's getting into this for. He was kidding of course.
Howard said he thinks that Jim was thrown into a situation where he just decided to take a chance and go out on a date with Robin. He said that this is the first time he's making a play for a woman since his girlfriend committed suicide. He told everyone that was against this that they were nuts. Howard said he also knows that Robin wants love. Robin said Howard is going to tell her how to feel and not let her speak. She said that she just got out of a very sticky situation and she's enjoying her freedom now.
Robin said that Jim is one of ''these guys'' who hangs out with the Hack Pack and she knows that he'll tell these guys stuff about her. Bob said that he's really not like that and he's really a good guy. Robin said she had no reason to believe Bob about that stuff.
Steve said that he asked Jim about kissing Robin at the end of the date and he said a kiss on the cheek and a hug would be fine with him. Steve said they still need information from the fans if they see them out on their date. Then Robin said there's not going to be a date if they keep trying to get an inside line on where they're going to be. Steve also said they have a story about High Pitch Eric's first day on the job at a construction site. Howard figures he'll be gone within a week.
Jon Hein ran down the stuff they'd be going over on The Wrap Up Show today. He mentioned Will the Farter and what he did to the three women today. Howard took a call in the middle of that. The woman brought up Elvis and the celebration of his death that's still going on down in Memphis. Howard said that those people are basically honoring a child molester because he took a 14 year old girl from her family. That led to Howard talking about how those people must be stupid down there and then mentioned that Sal just booked a trip down there with his mother.
Sal came in and said that he watches Elvis impersonators on YouTube and blurs his eyes to pretend that it's the real Elvis. He's taking his mom and sister down there to see Graceland. He said they're all fans of the guy. Sal told Howard that he's kind of like Elvis. Howard cut him off and said he's nothing like Elvis.
Sal said that he's been shopping around trying to find a live impersonator that looks very much like the real Elvis. Gary came in and said that's why he thinks that Sal is stupid. Howard said he has no respect for him and doesn't get why anyone would go down there to see Graceland.
Artie asked Sal why he's going down there. Sal said that he's going to be in the area because he's doing a show with Bob Levy so he's going to make a side trip to Graceland with his mother and sister. Artie asked him if he thinks that he's going to get suckered into buying Elvis stuff. Sal thought that 80 percent of the country knew why he was going there and they'd get it. No one else in the studio had ever been there.
Howard asked Jon to wrap up his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll talk about Ralph breaking appliances and about the Jim And Robin thing. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked Robin why she won't go on this date with Jim Florentine. Robin said she would but she really doesn't want Steve Langford hanging out with them. Mariann was asking some other questions so Artie held up a sign for Robin that read ''Call Mariann a Cunt.'' Robin said she couldn't do it.
Scott Ferrall called in to talk about the Michael Vick story. He said that this case isn't about killing the dogs, it's really about the illegal gambling. He went on and on about that story. Howard let him go on and on without stopping for a couple of minutes. Howard told the fans to check out his show which airs every night on Howard 101. Scott let them know that he's seen Jim's balls before and they are huge. Robin got him going again when she asked him a question about Vick's charges. Howard let him go after he gave them some more information about that case.
Robin got back to her news and read some stories about Leona Helmsley's death, the Utah miners and some other various stories. She was done by 10:35 or so. Howard let Artie get in a plug for his Comedy Central gig that's on this Friday night. They're premiering Beer League that night. Howard gave Bob some plugs for his shows at the Stress Factory as well. Howard ended the show around 10:40am.
Howard started off the show talking about Michael Vick. He said that someone was talking about how people go out and shoot deer every day so dog fighting shouldn't be such a big deal. Howard was trying to justify that but he was having trouble doing that. Artie said that it's the torture part that's really crazy in that case. Howard also brought up the ''rape stand'' that they found in Vick's house. He said that they actually take female dogs and have other dogs ''rape'' them while they're on that stand.
Howard played some audio of Stephon Marbury talking about the killing animals thing. Artie said that it was the gambling thing that this case is all about, it's not really about the animal thing.
Howard said that he may have just gotten really annoyed with Riley about that stuff. He said that he's kind of fed up with Riley going off on him the way he does. He played another clip where a caller told Riley that Howard was goofing on people who have bumper stickers. Riley said that Howard has instructed SIRIUS to withhold his check and he now has no respect for anyone there at SIRIUS.
Howard said that Riley might be dangerous to him if he really believes that he's withholding his check. He blames Howard for trying to starve him by not paying him enough. Howard said that the caller was yanking Riley around and if you stick something on your car like a Riley Martin Symbol, it shows you're insane.
Howard played another clip where another caller told Riley he should be pissed about the check. Then Riley went off on Howard and Tim Sabean once again. Riley was even blaming Mel Karmazin. Howard said that Mel can't take a joke so that may have been a bad idea. He said he brought up Mel's name when he was working over at WNBC and that got Donna Feducia into trouble when she commented on him. Mel never let her work for the company again.
Riley was giving everyone weird names when he'd go off on them. He called Tim Sabean a ''water pig'' and Robin a ''Bo Jangle Baboon.'' Riley kept saying that Howard was making $18,000 a second over there while he was starving and not getting paid. Howard said he likes the show when Riley is ragging on them. That's when it's most interesting to him.
Howard wondered why he would let Riley on the air if he didn't want him to be popular. Riley's theory was that Howard was afraid of his talent and he was holding back the check as some kind of protest. Howard said that if he didn't want him on the air, he just wouldn't let him on the air. Howard said he likes how the listeners just call up and egg Riley on the whole night.
Howard played another clip where Riley was complaining about not getting his check again. He said that it was Howard withholding it and trying to piss him off. Howard wondered what Riley was doing before he started doing that show. Artie said that he was loading 600 pounds of pot into his car. Riley took a phone call and the caller asked how they could refuse to pay him. The caller gave them a rundown of the kind of money they were paying out on the show to the Wack Pack and others. Riley then says that Howard is a petty little weasel and a something that was unintelligible. It was something like ''Suckamuckagus'' and the guys thought he was going for Snuffalufagus or something like that.
Howard played another clip where a caller asked Riley about saving the Humans and if that would change the future. Riley said there is no problem with that but there is a problem with going back in time and changing history. Riley was on fire over that. Howard said that Riley isn't allowed to go back and change history by killing Hitler, because there are rules. Howard said that they actually sent Riley's paycheck back to 1954 so that's why it's been delayed.
In another clip Riley's partner asks him about how the aliens had genes put into certain people to create great people in the future. He said something about it taking 14 generations to work out and suggested that it was how Riley was created. Riley said he didn't say all of that but then said that he knows things that he didn't learn in school. He said his education came from the shape of a cloud, the song of a bird and the beauty of a woman. Howard added ''the smoke of a joint'' and ''the snorting of coke'' into that mix as well. Howard said you have to love this guy.
Riley's partner, Eron, asked him about some other stuff that he's said in the past and wondered what caused the Japanese crash. Howard said that Riley must write down these questions ahead of time so he knows what bullshit he'll be talking about.
Howard said that maybe they should give them a show and let them try to get him thrown off the air. He went on to talk about the Imus thing and how he took a $20 million settlement from CBS and now he's trying to get back on the air. Howard said that he really appreciates the fans who supported the show but the show doesn't define his life. He said if a couple of bozos don't get that, they should get a life.
Robin suggested that they let those guys come up and talk about what their problem is. Howard said he has nothing against those guys and he'd be fine with getting kicked off the air. Artie said he wouldn't have to get up at 4:30 in the morning anymore if they did that.
The guys got sidetracked and brought up Robin going out with Jim Florentine. That led to Robin saying that she thought that Artie was saying that he agreed with Ralph about how Jim was just using her. Artie said he wasn't saying that, he was just saying that Ralph says things that some people might agree with.
Howard asked Gary if he thinks they should interview the two guys down there. Gary said he's not sure but he heard that they managed to get a bar shut down in the city. Howard said that kind of interested him. He spent a short time talking about Imus and how it's fine if he wants to work but he's unimportant. He said that he has no impact on the radio business. His old station is still getting the same ratings they were when he was there so it made no difference when he left.
Howard said that he'd probably like a pyramid or something for himself. He said that he'd like a pyramid with a sphinx, from the Latin word sphincter according to him. Howard said that it really is obscene for the Helmsley's to do that but he'd like to have a Howard Stern Library and maybe be buried there. He said he knows that Mariann from Brooklyn would come and visit him every day.
Howard said the Helmsley mausoleum cost $1.4 million to build and no one needs to go visit that. He said that there are a lot of dog cemeteries out there too and people go to visit their pets. Its' a big waste of the earth's resources to do stuff like that.
Howard said he had some old bits from the show about the Helmsley's so he played those as a tribute to Leona. The bits were from the mid 1990s when Billy West was still on the show doing his impressions. He played the part of Leona in the fake commercials they created.
Howard played a second bit featuring Billy doing his Leona impression. He played that and said that Leona was a hideous person to look at but she was a model in her younger years. He said that she got very hideous toward the end and it was like there was no semblance of a woman in there at all. Howard had to take a break a short time later.
Artie said that Vick was the Atlanta Falcons future and now that's been ruined. Howard said that Vick voided out the last year of his contract when all of this came down. He's losing his Nike deal and some other deals he had. They're not going to include his card in the trading cards this season either.
Howard said it's tough to defend the guy but there are some teammates who are trying to do that. One of his teammates was on a talk show trying to defend him by saying that no one was saying that they saw Vick trying to drown his dog. He said that the whole dog fight thing is brutal and Vick made a bad decision but that doesn't mean that people should turn their backs on him. The guy said that they didn't have to be so brutal with him and backing the bus over him over and over again. Robin figured that guy needed Vick to come back so that's why he was defending him so much.
Roy Jones Jr. was defending Vick by saying that it was ''just a dog'' and people shouldn't get so upset about it. Howard said that Daniel Carver and Gary the Retard were also discussing this case so he played some tape of that. Howard said that it was just one big retarded view. He played the tape and Daniel Carver explained to Gary what was going on with Michael Vick while throwing in the N-word to describe Vick. Gary had no idea what Daniel was talking about but Daniel kept going. Gary said that he's proud to be white himself and said goodbye to Daniel a short time later.
Robin asked if the guy was saying that he should have come out of the closet. Howard said that maybe Merv could have done a lot if he had come out of the closet because it could have helped other closeted gay guys come out too.
Howard read through more of this article and talked about whether or not Merv was really gay. Robin said she's still not sure he is. She said that Merv was from a different generation and maybe he couldn't come to grips with his sexuality.
Howard said that he's kind of sad about that. He said that he's proud of people like Ellen Degeneres who is out of the closet, although she was kind of pulled out of the closet. He said that you just can't buy her as a leading lady in a movie though. He said that he really likes Rosie O'Donnell now that she's out of the closet.
Artie asked if Howard believes that anyone on the staff is gay. Howard said he thinks that Richard is bisexual. He said there's no question about it. He said there's a little too much gay stuff that he's willing to do. He shaves down his balls and things like that so it proves to him that the guy is gay. He said that Sal and Richard are both putting their dicks in each other's hands so they do come off very gay.
Artie said he can see Richard eventually blowing a guy some day. Howard said that Richard isn't an openly gay man but he does seem to be ''bi'' to him. Richard came in a short time later to defend himself. He said he's not attracted to guys. Richard said that he has slept in bed with guys before and didn't have any desire to do anything with them.
Howard said that Richard told him he'd suck a guy off for a million bucks. Richard said it was $500 million. Richard did tongue Joey Boots one time but he said that was just goofy to him. It wasn't gay. Robin said that those guys in Deliverance probably said they weren't gay but they fucked guys in the ass. Howard told Richard he beats off in front of a man so that's gay. Richard said that he's been curious about things in the past and that's all that was. Howard said he's never thought about jerking off in front of another man.
Richard said he's on a goofy show and he does goofy things, that's all it is. Richard said that he could never put his dick inside a guy or anything like that. Howard said he has done that on the show though. Richard said that was just goofing around. Howard told Richard that the drunken message he left for Will one time is something that shows he's very open to that stuff. Richard said he is open to it but he's not gay.
Howard told Richard that he was hypnotized one time and said he was attracted to Will. Richard said he remembers that but it doesn't mean he's gay. Howard played a clip of that message where Richard was really drunk and telling Will that he was attracted to him after pissing on himself out on the street. Richard said that Will must be turned on by his sexy, hairless body and that he wanted to lick that peach colored hair of his.
Howard said that if you played that in any court, they'd say it was gay. He told Richard that he was projecting his thoughts to Will about licking his sack and stuff. He said he knows he was goofing around but he knows that Richard would end up as someone's bitch if he ever went to jail. Richard said he'd fight them off if that happened.
Robin told Richard that when he's drunk he's a different guy. Richard said he doesn't turn gay. Robin said he blacks out so he doesn't know that for sure. Howard played another clip where Richard was telling Will he was hot and singing ''Hollaback Girl'' to him. Richard said he gets embarrassed when he hears himself in that condition.
Richard asked if Will thinks that he's gay when he hears that. Howard said of course he does. Richard said he just can't imagine rubbing a guy's face and making out with him or anything. Artie said that Richard is basically saying that he'd be willing to have a gay experience with a guy so he's like a gay, male whore when he says he'd have gay sex for half a billion dollars.
Richard said that money means a lot to him and that's why he'd agree to do something like that. He said he lived in a storage warehouse for a couple of months and he knows how much money means to him. Howard said that there are some things that you just don't do though.
Howard said he was offered a job working in the gay porn industry but he turned down the offer. He didn't want to work in that field. He wasn't going to be in the movies, just working in production, but he wouldn't do it. Howard told Richard to get out of there and go paint Sal's cock. Richard said he knows that he's not gay and that's why he's fine with all of what he does.
Howard played a clip from Superfan Roundtable where Joey Boots talked about touching tongues with Richard at a comedy show one night. Howard asked Richard why he would have done that for free. Richard said they were in a parking lot with people around. They did it for fun. Richard said it was just touching tongues so it was no big deal. Howard and Artie told him that was gay. Richard still didn't want to believe that it was. They were just having fun.
Howard said that Joey Boots still sounds very manly since he came out of the closet. He's not sounding any more gay than he did before. Artie pointed out that Richard also licked Sal's balls so that's more gay stuff. Richard said he has no defense and he's not sure what to say. He said he's a friend to the gays and he's not offended by what they do. He said that he and Sal are breaking down walls as far as he's concerned.
Artie said that Kumal from The Jerky Boys called him one time and said that Richard was trying to grab his ass and stuff one night. Kumal said he was gay after that happened. Richard said that he was just doing it for fun that night. Howard said that's always his excuse, he does it because it's funny.
A caller from San Francisco said that Richard is definitely gay. He knows gay guys because he's been living in San Francisco for many years. Howard said he thinks that Richard is bisexual and he's open to a lot of stuff. Richard said he and Sal went to a bunch of gay bars one time out there in San Francisco but they just did that for fun too. Howard said that there are a lot of hot chicks out there and going to some gay bars is the last thing he'd want to do out there.
Richard said he and Sal went to this one bar called Moby Dick's and played some pool and goofed around touching each other and stuff to see what kind of reaction they'd get. Howard said that if they were gay, they wouldn't react at all of they were just acting gay. He and Artie talked about how ridiculous that was for them to do.
Howard said that Howard TV is putting together a new special about Sal and Richard's gayest moments on the show. This segment will add to that show. Gay Ramone called in and said that they don't call him to do stuff for the show anymore. He also said that he doesn't believe that they're really gay, they're just doing this for the show.
Howard played a new prank call that Sal did with a telemarketer. Sal was playing a guy who was kicking around his dog while talking to this woman on the phone.
A caller said that maybe Howard should have those protester guys up to the studio this morning. Howard said that maybe he will, but if he does that, other guys might get the idea to protest him to get on the show.
Howard brought up a story about this Trans Fat filled oil that restaurants are now stopping the use of. He said that now there are state fairs that are stopping the use of the trans fat filled oils. He said that they think they're doing a good thing but they still sell the worst foods. You can fry everything at those fairs. He read an article about some battered Snickers, Oreos, Ho Hos and Reese's, that they fry up at these fairs. He said he can't imagine doing something like that to a Snickers bar that's already delicious. Howard said that's wild that they have to make those things even more unhealthy.
Artie said that those things don't even sound good to him. He said that he'd be willing to try one but he doesn't need to. Howard said that we must be nuts for doing stuff like that. Robin said that you're supposed to be getting fried food out of your diet and people are adding it instead.
Howard asked who this Foxy Brown chick is because he's been reading some stories about her in the paper lately. Fred played one of her awful songs and Artie said he knows why she's famous... for writing the shittiest song ever. Howard read an article about Foxy where they talk about her getting into some legal trouble. He said he still doesn't know who the hell she is.
Howard said that Britney Spears turned down some big offer to work with Justin Timberlake and producer Timberland. He said that apparently shows just how crazy she is. He said that it drives him crazy when people throw away their careers like that.
Howard said that he just finished reading Steve Martin's book, ''Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life,'' and said that Steve had to work really hard to make a career for himself and that makes him even more pissed off when he sees Britney Spears throwing away her career. He said that she's pissing it away. Artie said that maybe she didn't have a choice in the whole thing and maybe her parents pushed her into it. Steve Martin was a grown man who decided to get into it himself.
Howard said that Mariah Carey is out taking pictures in a bikini again. He said that she has a couple of black guys crawling all over her and she's apparently doing that so she has some credibility with the black community. He said that her body shouldn't be in a bikini. He said that she doesn't have a great body and her ex-husband, Tommy Matolla, would tell her to keep her clothes on because of that. He said Mariah is white and he doesn't see how she's black in any way.
Howard said that Gwen Stefani and Fergie also have to get black guys to do their videos and it seems like every video is like that these days. He spent a minute talking about that and then said he forgot about Lisa G again. Artie said that he kind of likes it when he does that. Howard went to break after that.
Lisa said that Ronnie the Limo Driver isn't the only one with a panther tattoo, the guy who plays Pauly Walnuts had a similar one on The Sopranos. She said that they also have an interview with someone who let Ralph stay at his apartment after he left a clove cigarette lit on his coffee table.
Howard said that he got a note from a fan about a woman offering a free Sybian on Craigslist. He read the note and the woman said that she's a bit conservative and she wouldn't use it herself. Her ex gave it to her before they broke up.
Howard read an article about Van Halen and how they took out all of the pictures of Michael Anthony and now they've put his photos back in after they got some complaints. Now they've taken his name off some of the song writing credits. Howard read through that and it seems that they're trying to erase Anthony's name from all of their stuff. Howard said Eddie must be pissed at Michael Anthony. Michael must be pissed about it as well. Howard said that's actually kind of funny.
Howard said that people are going Photoshop crazy and sending in pictures. There's one of what Jim Florentine and Robin's wedding might look like. He and Artie said that they actually look like a nice couple. Gary told Howard that their guest was on the phone so he moved on to that.
Kevin said that he's shooting a movie today and he's supposed to run in a scene but he whacked his knee on a desk last night and he's not sure he can run. He's out in Montana and told Howard how spectacular it is out there. He said it just blows your mind when you see how nice it is.
Howard said that Kevin's wife, Kyra Sedgewick, is doing her own show and making really good money doing it because it's so popular. Kevin said that she said she wanted to give that a try and it's really worked out. He said you never know how it's going to go because TV is so cutthroat.
Howard said that Kyra is getting like $250,000 per episode doing a cable show. He said that's rare for something like that to happen. Kevin said he directed an episode and wanted Howard to check it out. He was trying to tell a story about that but Howard cut him off and asked him if they share a bank account. Kevin said that they do share the account. He then told Howard that his directors chair on the set of his wife's show said ''Kevin Sedgewick'' on it. That was a little joke thanks to the prop department there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he heard that Kevin has a huge penis. Kevin said that it really isn't that big but it was in the movie ''Wild Things.'' Artie said he thought it was pretty big because he checked it out and kept pausing the movie at that point. He said he was just kidding about that though. Howard said that he always tries to get semi-aroused when he's around Beth so she doesn't see him when he's completely shrunken.
Howard said that he likes a lot of the movies that Kevin has done. He said that he really liked that one ''Murder in the First'' where he got his feet beaten. Kevin is promoting this movie ''Death Sentence'' that's opening on August 31st. Howard asked him about the movie and found out that Kevin's character has a run in with a gang and they kill a family member so he goes out and gets revenge which leads to even more violence. Howard said he loves stories like that. He said he likes when a regular guy goes out and gets revenge. Kevin said it's a really cool movie and he thinks that Howard will like it. The director was the guy who did the first ''Saw'' movie.
Howard said that the movie that fell apart trying to pull that off was ''The Punisher'' because they don't make you feel that bad for the dude. Howard told Kevin he'll go to see the movie if he wants him to. Howard said that Kevin gets to work with a lot of hot chicks on the movies he does and he must suffer when he does that. Kevin said there are no hot chicks out there in Montana working on that movie.
Howard asked Kevin where his kids are because they're not old enough to be left alone. Kevin said that his son is actually going off to college. Howard asked him if his kid gets laid a lot being a bacon. Kevin said he actually asked him not to talk about that stuff so he'd rather not. Howard figured that he got laid when he was like 14. Howard said that the kid is a good kid and he's actually met him. He said he'd be proud if his daughters were banging Kevin Bacon's son. He said he could brag about that.
Howard said that this movie sounds like a winner. Howard said he'd be at the screening with Kevin if he wanted. Kevin said it'll be a small screening, not too many people there. Howard gave Kevin a plug for his web site SixDegrees.org. He's finally embracing the whole thing after not being such a big fan of the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon thing that was so big years ago.
Howard was going to let Kevin go but he ended up talking to him about how many blacks there were out in Montana. Fred was looking it up on the web and giving them all of the details. There aren't that many out there.
Howard took some phone calls from some fans who wanted to talk to Kevin. Kevin said that the people out in Montana really do wear those big cowboy hats just like you'd think they would. A caller said that his wife is in love with Kevin and they even named their daughter after Kyra. He asked Kevin for tickets to his screening but Howard just hung up on him. Howard took another call and the guy said he works with someone Kevin knows but Howard figured it was a bad idea taking calls and hung up on that guy too. He let Kevin go after that.
Howard said that Artie needs a job like Kyra Sedgewick has. Artie said he could see himself in a remake of Canon or something. They spent a minute talking about that before Howard changed subjects.
Howard decided to perform his own song to show how bad Hasslehoff was. He had Fred play some music and then he made up a song about ''Wednesday.'' Artie got in on it as well and helped him sing a little bit.
Howard said that they're going to have some specials coming up in the next couple of weeks. He said they have a Tapes Blowout coming up on Labor Day Weekend. He's not even sure what that's all about but he read the line up of stuff that he was given.
Artie said that he may also be agent-less soon but that's up in the air right now. He said that he and his manager were together for 14 years and Peter sent him a letter after his rant last week. Artie said that it wasn't professional to do what he did last week. He said that right now Teddy is running everything for his empire. Artie said that he has a great comedy agent. He said that he wishes Peter good luck with his whole thing and he's a good man. He said it's a sad day in show business. Howard congratulated him on that.
Greg said that he was trying to talk to Tim about the radio show he was trying to do there. Now John the Stutterer has taken over his spot. Greg said that it's got nothing to do with money. Gary said he finds Greg's show to be very funny. Greg said he's been getting a lot of feedback about the show and the fans are wondering what happened to it after that initial 8 week run. Tim Sabean came in and said that he has to talk to the powers that be to find out what they want to do.
Tim said that they want to be able to pay him so they have to talk to some people. Greg thought that Howard was the ''powers that be'' but Tim said it's not just Howard. They have to talk to some other people there. Howard said he got a call from someone who thought that Artie was going to be leaving soon and he might want the job. Howard said he got the call directly and not through his agent so Artie thought that was a ballsy thing to do.
Howard said he told that comedian that Artie is staying and not going anywhere. He said that he told the guy that he'd be great on the air, even though he's never heard him, but there's no money there. Howard said he knows the guy's comedy but he's never heard him do a radio show.
Greg figured it was Dice Clay. That led to Greg talking about how he was at a club recently and they were promoting a Dice appearance and when they did, there were crickets chirping in the club. One guy clapped and everyone laughed when they heard that.
Howard said that there's a merger trying to go through right now and the company doesn't want to spend any money. Howard said that they ask him how many subscribers these people are going to bring in. Howard said he has no idea so he can't give them that kind of information. Howard said he'd like to have Greg doing a show there on his channel but there's no money.
Howard gave Greg a plug for this Helium Comedy Club appearance he's doing this week. He also gave him a plug for his web site GregFitzsimmons.com.
Howard said that the person closest to the score, without going over, was the winner. Greg wanted to throw some money in there. That led to everyone throwing in a $20 bill. Sal then dropped his score down to a 25 percent.
Gary then gave the score which was 48 percent. Robin won the pool since she guessed 45 percent. Sal said he was kind of proud that he knew almost 50 percent of the things that happened before he was even born. Gary went through some of the questions that Sal got wrong. He listed California and Arizona as two of the original colonies. He also said that one of the requirements for being President is that you have to have a job in the government.
Howard went off on Sal telling him just how dopey he was but Sal defended himself saying that he was taking guesses based on what he thought was right. Gary went through some more of Sal's dopey answers. Gary asked Sal to tell them what the name of the National Anthem is. Sal said it was the Star Spangled Banner but Gary said he got that wrong on the test. Sal answered that it was a song that represented the freedom of the country. Sal said he misunderstood the question when he answered that on the test.
Sal was giving wrong answers to all of these questions that the guys were throwing out and Artie was telling him how stupid he sounds. Sal really doesn't think he's stupid, he just doesn't remember stuff that didn't interest him. Sal went off on Greg after Greg cracked a joke about him being retarded. Sal threw out a joke about cracking Plymouth Rock over his bald, freckled head. He said he likes Greg but then said that he doesn't think he's funny.
Gary said that Sal gets a lot of his knowledge from TV because his answer for what the Declaration of Independence stands for was ''Life, Liberty and Justice For All.'' Fred threw in the Superman music after hearing that answer.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked if Sal passed his Series 7 test because there's no way he could have passed it after hearing this. He wanted Howard to give him a lie detector test about that. Sal said he studied that test for 6 months and did pass it. Gary said that the test is tough but it doesn't take common sense to pass it. He said you just have to remember the rules.
Robin thanked Sal for being so stupid because she won some money with her guess earlier. Greg said that Sal should take that Series 7 test again. Sal told Greg to take a comedy class and told him to shut the fuck up. That led to the guys talking to Greg about the jobs he's had and how he's won Emmys and stuff like that.
Howard said that he was watching the Flavor Flav roast and they were bleeping the cursing but not the word shit. Greg said he's seen them play the roasts where they say ''cunt'' on the show but only if it's after 10 o'clock. Howard said that if E! had aired him saying the C-word on his cable show, it would have been the end of cable TV. He said that he still thinks that the whole reason that this merger isn't going through is because of him and his show.
Howard read that Greg was going to be doing the Pat Cooper roast so he talked to him about that for a short time. Greg said they're not going to televise that one. They're just doing the Friar's roast in private this time. Greg said he's known Pat for 15 years so he'll be bringing up everything about him in that roast.
Howard read that Greg is working with some Playboy chick or something. Greg said that he's working to train this chick to be a stand-up comedian. He said that she's actually got something there and it might just work even though he didn't think it would at first. Greg said that he was doing it for Playboy but now they want to shop the show around other places and make it into a regular show.
Greg told a story about how he's been doing half of his show goofing on Deal Or No Deal and then found out that he was doing a show with Howie Mandel. He told Howard some of the jokes that he was doing in the show and then said that he couldn't do it in front of the guy because Howie is such a nice guy. Greg said he took that stuff out of the act and started to bomb. He looked off stage at Howie and he encouraged him to do it and it killed. He said it worked out okay after that.
Howard said that Richard Christy used to live in a van and he claimed that he had a toilet in it. It turns out he just had a hole in the floor and a toilet underneath it. Artie told him that's just disgusting and he's a horrible human being. Richard said that he would park in parking lots and stuff and he'd just leave the piles there if he shit. He'd wipe himself and just throw the toilet paper out the window.
Artie said he didn't know how to react to him anymore. Richard said he only paid $400 for the van. He said that he had to live in it for a while back then. He said it wasn't bad living in the van. He said he could go out to parties and stuff and he could just sleep in there. He said he didn't care about anything back then because he was in high school.
Richard came in to show Howard some pictures of the Playboy girl that Greg is training. Howard said she's really cute when he saw the pictures. Greg said that he really wasn't all that attracted to her but Howard told him to get out of the studio if that was true. Greg said that she is very cute. He said that he had to ask her to wear panties when they'd go out to clubs and stuff because she'd wear really short skirts and stuff so everyone would see up them.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News update after that. Steve said that Robin and Jim Florentine have been threatening to call off their date because they want to cover it for the news. Steve asked Robin if there are any updates. Robin said a quick ''no'' and said that she wasn't going to say anymore. That led to Steve saying that Jim has been emasculated at this point. Robin said that Steve was turning this around on her and she didn't like it.
Howard took some calls and let the fans talk about what they thought of all of this. Some of the guys liked the way Steve was going after the story. Steve said that they have a story about Artie's assistant telling them that he's now in charge of booking Artie for shows like Letterman, Leno and Rescue Me since Artie has split from his management.
Steve also said that the people from Comedy Central are supposed to send over the promos they're supposed to do on Friday night. It turns out that Artie got a joke copy of what they were going to play but he thought it was the real thing and flipped out on them over there. He said he later found out it was a joke.
Howard played a prank call that Sal and Richard made using clips of Steve Langford's voice. They called a newspaper delivery guy and jerked him around for a few minutes.
Jon Hein said they'll be talking about Richard's gay stuff on the Wrap Up Show. They'll also talk about Sal's citizenship test and more on today's show. Howard then had Steve the Intern come in with his Intern Show update. Steve said that they'll have all of the interns on the show because this is the final week of the semester there. Howard asked Steve if he's ever had any relationships with the hot interns back there. Steve said that he does work very closely with them and he has had some advances from some of the girls there, but he hasn't acted on them because he's had a girlfriend all this time. Artie called him a fruit when he heard that.
Howard wondered if Gary had ever fired any interns. He hoped not but Gary said he's only fired a couple in the past 20 years. He said that they rarely fail them either. They were talking about how Artie could possibly date the interns but only after they were done with their internships.
Steve said that Tracy Milman will be on the show tonight and she can get kind of worked up so people might want to tune in to hear that. Artie did his impression of her going off on Steve Grillo on that show one time. Gary had the clip of her doing that so he told Howard where it was. Howard said he loves that clip and played through the whole thing. Artie did his impression some more and then Howard played Grillo's response to that tape. They went to break a short time later.
Greg said that Debbie had a song that was like ''Die young, stay pretty...'' but she apparently didn't take her own advice. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.
As Robin was starting her news Fred played a song parody about her boobs. Greg said that Robin seemed to have a glow about her ever since she lost weight and had this Jim Florentine thing going on. She started her news a short time later and brought up some stories about the death penalty in Texas and eventually got Artie doing his Henry Hill impression. Artie was doing Henry's laugh and talking about how he laughs whenever he says he never killed anyone himself.
Robin ran through some more stories and then Howard took some more phone calls. Yucko the Clown called in and said that he worked with Jim Florentine the other night and he's not feeling too good. The guys asked him what as wrong and Yucko said that Jim's got Jungle Fever. He didn't honk his horn after the joke and said that it really didn't deserve the horn.
Gary came in and said that he found out that the guy who caught the Barry Bonds ball had to pay income tax on it as soon as he caught it. The feds wanted him to pay $210,000 in taxes based on what they thought the ball was worth. Howard thought that was kind of ridiculous and said that it can't be considered income until the guy actually makes something off of it.
Sal came in and said that he had some autographs prices that he'd found online. He said that Jon Hein's book was selling for 1 cent. Robin's book, autographed, was going for $35 and a Jackie the Joke Man autograph was going for $5.99. A Fred Norris autograph was going for $.75. Sal said that an press kit for Artie's movie ''Beer League'' was selling for $10. A Baba Booey signed 8x10 was selling for $1.99. He said that there was something of Howard's selling for $300. A Beth Ostrosky magazine was going for $15.
Sal had mentioned this Greg Shinault album that was out back when he was doing stuff in 1980. Howard said he wanted that because he'd like to play it on the History of Howard Stern because the bit he did on that show was basically American Idol. That led to the guys talking about Howard selling some of his stuff like his megaphone. Howard said he will never let go of that, he's going to keep that until he dies.
Howard took a break and when they came back they played a prank call that Richard made to a public access call in show. When Howard came back on he said that Tim Sabean had found a megaphone that was supposed to be exactly the same as the one he's had for the past 20 years. He tried it out but it didn't work quite the same as the old one. That old one had a very special sound. He was doing his Ted Kennedy impression while he was testing out that unit. Robin went through a few more stories and then Howard ended the show around 10:55am.
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Howard started off the show saying that Gary has a wart on his hand that he's been picking at for weeks now. Gary said he's scheduled to have it removed and he wasn't picking at it. He didn't know where they came from and so Howard told him that they're viral. He said the thing is the size of a pencil eraser. Gary came in to show it to Robin and she said it looks like a skin tag or like he's growing a flipper.
Howard told Gary he does play with it and showed him what he does without even knowing it. Howard said he's heard they're contagious. Benjy said he heard that they're contagious and they can be spread. Artie said that this is the worst part of his day because he's about to get breakfast and he has to try not to look at Benjy because he's all wet.
Benjy swears that the water on him isn't sweat, he just ran to work after taking a shower and he swears that it's mostly shower water. He said you stay wet for a while after taking a shower and most of it was just the water from that. Artie said he can't eat when he sees that and he wanted him to get a towel. Howard told Benjy he's a nice guy but he's got to pull himself together.
Howard said he was grossed out by Gary fondling his wart like it was a nip. He said he wants him to get it burned off today. He said the wart was about half the size a couple of weeks ago. Gary said he has an appointment to get it taken off next week.
Artie said that Jeff the Drunk had a bunch of them on him when he was in there. Artie said he had one on his foot one time and that had to be burned off too. Howard had one on the inside of his hand one time when he was a kid and had to keep his hand closed in a fist all the time. His mother hated to bring him for that. That led to him talking about how she went to the doctor recently because she was sick and she thought that it was the antibiotics that were making her tired. He had to convince her that it was her illness that was making her sick.
Howard said he had his wart removed when he was a kid and he remembers the open wound that they left when they did that. Then the wart came back and he had to have it removed a second time. Artie had an open wound on the bottom of his foot.
Robin said she has a mole on her back and she wants to have that removed. Howard said he had one that he had to have removed because Beth was grossed out by it. He mentioned that they had put a picture of Gary's wart up on HowardStern.com.
Howard read through some of the article and found a part where he says that he remembers reading something about Howard wanting to get back on terrestrial radio because he's not happy with his ratings. Howard said that he never did that and the guy has the whole story backwards. He said he was approached to come back to terrestrial radio and he didn't want to go back, he's happy there on SIRIUS. The author is writing it like it's fact but it's just not true.
The writer also said that Howard hadn't been on Letterman since march of 2006 but Howard said that's his choice, Letterman would have him on every week if he could. Howard said that all of these guy's suppositions are annoying because they're wrong. He thinks that the guy is trying to do an analysis of his career and getting it all wrong.
Howard said that the guy, Cameron Martin, may just be trying to get some attention or something. Howard said that he's glad that he's disappeared from the terrestrial radio market. He's happy he's on satellite and he's having a good time now. He also said that the guy got it wrong when he said that he's not happy with his ratings, because there are no ratings on satellite radio.
Howard brought up a story about Bill Murray who was caught driving a golf cart after having some drinks and got charged with DUI over in Sweden. Howard said Bill claimed he only had one beer. Robin thought that was kind of odd and didn't think that he'd be driving in a golf cart out on the street if he hadn't been drinking. Howard and Robin both said that they like Murray.
Howard saw a picture of this Maria Sharapova in the news so he ended up talking about her for a short time. Robin said the guy from Maroon 5 was in there and mentioned that he had banged her but she just laid there and didn't do anything. Howard said that would be fine with him, he'd still do her.
Howard read through the Bill Murray article and they say that he didn't really come across as drunk even though he did smell of alcohol.
Howard said he was reading about this Michael Vick case and how they may have to put the rest of his pit bulls to sleep because they're too vicious. He read another article about how there are a lot of athletes out there who beat their wives and other people and they don't get in as much trouble as Vick is getting into. Artie said it's all about the gambling, that's what takes these guys down. As they were talking about that Artie started doing his Henry Hill impression like he was doing yesterday.
Howard read through an article about all of these football and baseball players who have abused their wives and got away with it with just being suspended for a few games. They even pointed out that some of the sponsors who have pulled deals from Michael Vick still promote other stars who have done things that aren't so desirable. Gary came in and said that there's a football player who actually killed someone in a drunk driving accident. He still plays in the NFL even after all of that.
Howard talked about Michael Vick and how some people are saying that it's okay for these guys to go out and kill deer but when a dog is killed they make a big deal out of it. Robin said that when people go out hunting, they're not making the deer fight each other and they don't really torture them like they do in dog fighting. She also said that they're going to make an example of Vick because they're trying to end dog fighting. Howard said that it's dangerous to train dogs like that because they can end up attacking people.
Howard said he hopes that was just the whisky talking. Robin said it seems that Artie might be cracking and heading down that gay path.
Howard was going to replay the discussion that Daniel Carver and Gary the Retard had about Michael Vick thing but Gary told him that he'd played it around this time yesterday.
Richard asked Howard if he would show his penis on his last day on radio. Howard said that he wouldn't do that, he has no reason to. Richard thinks that it would be a great way to go out but Howard said he thinks that a big, emotional show would be the best way to go out. Artie asked Richard to not get naked on the last show, that would be a great.
Howard read some feedback about that comment that Artie made about wanting to see his dick. Richard said that he's sure the fans would want to see it too. Artie said he loves that Richard wants that to be the last show, Howard showing his dick.
Howard said he understands one thing about vaginal birth that isn't so natural. The doctors will cut the woman's vagina because they're afraid that it'll tear. He said that a lot of women get very sensitive down there because they're cut and it takes a long time to heal. He said he thinks that women should have babies through the vagina. Robin told him that it's none of his business how a woman has her baby. Howard said it matters if it's his baby.
Robin said that women love to tell their birth stories. Howard said that he's heard his story many times. He did an impression of his mother telling the story and how it lasted for hours and hours. He said that she didn't breast feed back then because that's what the doctors told her to do at the time. Howard said her story is one of horror of course. He said that she told him that she was sedated and she missed the whole thing. Howard said his mother thought his dad was at work that day but he was actually sitting out in the waiting room the whole time and didn't tell anyone he was there. He said that's what his dad does all the time. He never tells anyone anything.
Howard said his father must have a terrible self image because he doesn't want anyone to know he's around. He got back into his mother's birth talk and how the doctor told her that her baby looked like a happy mongoloid when they saw him smiling. He said she told him that she counted all of his fingers and toes and was happy that he was normal. Then his father ran around bragging that he'd had a son.
Robin said that women love to sit around in circles talking about that stuff. Howard said nothing that his mother ever says sounds like it was fun. It just didn't sound good to him.
Howard said he even had an outdoor ping pong table and it just sits there and rusts. He said that it's a pain in the ass to chase the ball every few seconds. Artie said the problem is when a chick wants to play and they ruin it. Robin said that she used to play so Artie challenged her to a game. Howard then said that they could do a 5 point game or something like that. Artie wanted to win his money back from yesterday.
Robin and Artie went over to the table and Howard tried to get the microphones working. They weren't working right so Scott the Engineer was yelling out which microphones to use. They were having a lot of problems getting that all worked out. Howard told them not to worry about it because he didn't want to spend all day on it.
Artie and Robin warmed up a little bit but Howard told them to just play the game. Robin didn't remember how to serve so Artie had to show her that. Artie then served and won within just a couple of minutes. Robin said she hadn't played since the 1970s.
Howard got up to go play against Artie. The microphones weren't working so Fred was trying to make things work. Howard eventually got on the microphone and said he hasn't played since he was a kid. He said he's played like 3 times in his life. Artie and Howard played a quick game and kept it pretty even. They were at 4-4 at one point and they were playing to 5. Howard ended up winning and bragging as soon as he did. Fred played some triumphant music for him when he won.
Howard said he felt some pressure during the game but he'll never play again. He said he's never going to play again. Howard got the headphones stuck in his hair and had to untangle them. He told Scott that he'd never know that feeling. Howard told Artie that he should have done better because he had just warmed up with Robin. He was afraid that Artie was going to lose it because he's super competitive. Artie said he was fine. He asked if he was going to go back on heroin after that. Artie assured Howard he was fine.
Howard said that they're going to find out how two people with just one arm can do playing against each other. Artie said he's going to go with Jen, Miss Amputee, against Crackhead Bob. Howard said his original idea was to use the dead arm of the person who was going to be playing. Like Howard would use Miss Amputee's prosthetic to play against someone else using Crackhead Bob's dead arm but it would be almost impossible to do that. They wanted Jeff the Drunk to play but he can't come because of his ass. Then they found out he's going to be making an appearance somewhere soon and that's just bullshit.
Howard said they were going to have Crackhead Bob's dead arm vs. Jeff the Drunk's dead arm but Jeff can't come so they got Jen. Howard and the guys spent a few minutes talking about the ping pong thing and other games they've played on the show. Howard got a note from the Howard TV guys saying that his basketball game against Jackie was coming up in September. Howard didn't even remember playing against Jackie.
Artie brought up the time he played basketball against the chick out in Las Vegas. They spent a minute on that and then went to commercial break.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. Lisa came in but Howard said that she got a negative e-mail. He read that to her and the guy talks about what a cunt she can be. He said that Artie tried to compliment her the other day and she got pissed and shot back with a negative comment to Artie. Artie said he wasn't trying to be rude, he was just having some fun and some of the fans thought she came back with a mean comment.
Artie said that his mother may have sent that e-mail. Lisa said that Artie looked good with his hair cut this morning. Artie said that the guys at Rescue Me wanted him to keep his hair long. Lisa said she thought that Artie's sister had bought him a new shirt but it turns out that Artie stole his wardrobe from the set of Rescue Me, that's where the shirt came from.
Howard read an e-mail from someone who said that Artie looks like he's up at about 400 pounds at this point even though he comes in at 300. The guy then said that he loves Artie. Howard said he got a lot about Sal too and read through a few of those e-mails. He said that a lot of people liked Rabbit and the girls who were in for the farting thing the other day. Howard said that he liked Rabbit's Sybian ride too and gave her a 10. Fred gave her an 11. Artie said that he'd have to give her the ''best Sybian ride ever.'' Doug Goodstein came in and said that they did a bunch of bonus shots of her on that thing and it really was an awesome ride.
Howard said that a lot of people send in e-mail complaining about Sal and Richard but they did some research and found that the most watched shows are Richard and Sal's gay antics. They're putting together a special about their gay antics that will air soon. He said that their subscribers are saying that they want more of that when they watch it so much.
Doug suggested that they play ''schlong pong'' today with Richard and Sal. Howard said they may have to do that. Lisa said that there's a Howard 100 News special on Howard TV as well and it's very good.
Howard had Wendy the Retard on the phone and she said she needs $3,000 for a new bed. Her mother can't afford it because she has a new car. She said she needs to pay some bills like her cell phone bill and other things. She said that she talks to her friends and people from the bowling alley on her cell. She also needs a new Xbox because the one she got from the pawn shop doesn't work.
Howard said he thinks that cell phone is the one she shoved up her ass one time. Robin told Wendy to go out and get a job but she said she's on disability. Artie said he hopes that she threw out that cell phone if she had it up her ass. Wendy still has it and uses it. She said that she's also stuck sticks up her ass as well. Artie asked her what kind of stick she stuck up there. She said that it was a baseball bat.
Howard asked Wendy to do her Freddy Kruger impression so she did that for a few seconds. Howard said that he'd see what he could do about getting her some money but he wants the begging to stop. He said that Nicole Bass opened up that door. That led to Howard saying that the ping pong game today has a big prize for the winner. They have $2,500 courtesy of the movie ''Balls of Fury.'' he said that they offered them the money and then came up with the idea for the ping pong game with Miss Amputee and Crackhead Bob.
Howard said he wanted to hear what Crackhead Bob doing smack talk sounded like. The guys goofed around about that. Then Howard took a call from a guy who said he's wanted to see what the studio looks like but then thought about what it must be like with all of the people that come and go from that studio. He suggested they take a swab of the studio to see what kind of crap they have in there. Howard said they'll have to do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that Kevin Bacon has a huge penis after seeing him in ''Invisible Man.'' Howard said he saw Kevin's new movie, Death Sentence, and it's really good. His penis isn't in that movie though. That led to some other movie discussions about how great Charles Bronson was. They talked about his movies and how there are a bunch of vigilante movies in the works and coming out now.
Lisa got to her news preview and mentioned that Ronnie is going to be out searching for some good strip clubs. She also said that Bob Levy threatened to pull out of the Killers of Comedy but took it back saying that he was just cranky from quitting smoking. She said that Joey Boots is also saying he's done with Superfan Roundtable after he found out he's not booked for the show for the next two weeks. He said that Mutt is a vindictive cunt after all of that as well. They'll have more on all of that today on Howard 100 News.
Howard said that he was listening to this broad on MSNBC where they were talking about this Obama Girl and mentioned that she was actually on The Howard Stern Show. They showed a clip from his show at the time and the woman made a smug remark about it. Howard said that if she doesn't like it, they shouldn't use a clip from his show illegally. He said he didn't give them permission to use it so they shouldn't do that.
Robin said that she had a woman ask her if she works for Howard Stern and when she said she did, the woman gave her an ''Ugh, how can you stand it?'' Robin said she asked the woman if she thinks she's tortured every day or something.
Howard moved on to the ping pong game between Crackhead Bob and Jen Miss Amputee. Howard said the guys were telling him that she looks really good too. She got hair extensions and breast implants. Howard noticed that Bob was breathing into the microphone really heavy so he wanted to fix that. They shut off the microphone but it kept going. Then Howard suggested that they just use wireless microphones instead of the headphones. Gary said it's going to be hard to hold microphones on them while they're playing. Bob's microphone stopped acting up but then Jen's sounded awful. Jen apologized for making the noise because it turns out it was her microphone making all of that breathing noise.
Howard asked Jen about her new boobs but then Gary came in with a wind screen for Jen's microphone. It was a little muffled after that. Howard said that Scott didn't check the microphones before the show. Scott said they did check them and they were fine. Howard told Gary to move it away from her a little bit and it would be better. Howard said that he's not even an engineer and he knows what to do. He told Scott that he's a Type C personality, not even a Type B. Howard said that Scott has only been doing that for 25 years.
Howard told Jen that she looks good and asked her about the new implants. Jen said that she has D-cups now but didn't want to believe they were that big. Jen said that she never tried to turn that Miss Amputee into anything big. She's a speech pathologist. Howard said he read that she dated Craig Gass for a while. He said that's kind of funny that she has to date Craig because of the missing arm. If she had the other arm, she wouldn't have to go so low (ouch!). Howard asked Artie if he would go out with her. Of course he would.
Howard said that Jen is too hot to go out with Craig. Howard read that Craig would shush her if the show was on and he was kind of annoying according to Jen. She said that he wouldn't let anyone know that they were dating because he was afraid it was going to effect his comedy and relationship with the show. Jen said that he's shush her when he'd be listening to Raw Dog Comedy and things like that.
Howard said that Craig did her and everything but it's because she's so hot. Howard said that he could introduce her to Paul McCartney since he likes amputees. Crackhead Bob wanted to meet him too. Howard said he'd forgotten about how she lost her arm. Jen said that she lost it in a car accident when she was 4 years old.
Howard moved on to Crackhead Bob and played a prank call he did with Sal and Richard when they did a Jack and Rod show. They had him playing the part of Kirk Douglas. They had a couple of authors on the phone and they jerked them around having Bob telling them about his penis and asking the woman to suck his ''denis'' and ''dock.''
Howard said that Bob was on fire that day. Bob's microphone was dead for a second so Howard had to get that working again. He then told Bob what they were going to do today. They taped a ping pong paddle to his dead arm and one to Miss Amputee's prosthetic. They were going to play ping pong and whoever won would get $2,500 courtesy of the movie ''Balls of Fury.'' Howard asked Robin how many points they should play to. Robin said it should be 5 because they'll never get any higher.
Howard said that the guys were telling him that Bob was making some weird noises when he was laughing. He played some audio of that and it sounded like a pig snorting. He spent a minute talking to Bob about what's going on in his life. Bob said that he's doing okay but things are tough. He's still taking things one day at a time and going to meetings. He talks at the meetings and he's a good support buddy. Howard wondered how that would work out if he was his support buddy. He created a conversation with Bob and Bob tried to talk him through his tough times. Howard said he felt better after that.
Artie said that he was lighting up his crack pipe as he spoke. He then told the guys that he would never think of calling Bob to get support. If he gets some heroin one night, he's going to think about doing that and not calling someone like that. He said he knows that he will eventually do heroin again in his life. He said it's a cycle in his life that he will go through again some day.
Artie said he went out drinking last night. He said he did an interview with the Best Damn Sports Show last night and when he was leaving the studio, he ran into a friend. He wanted him to go out to drink but he passed on it. Then he went home and thought about it and ended up going out. He said there were chicks there and one chick said she could out drink him so he had to show her that she couldn't. He ended up drinking a lot and didn't get home until like 2:30 in the morning.
Artie then told the guys that he really can't guarantee that he's not going to do heroin again. He said he knows that it's just not something he can promise. He said he knows that day will come again when he can take the heroin. He doesn't ''take it one day at a time'' like Crackhead Bob does. Robin said he wants to have a kid and a relationship with a woman but he can't be doing that stuff if he wants to do all of that.
Artie said that this girl dating Craig Gass makes him want to do heroin. He said he likes Craig but it makes him wonder what's going on in this world. Jen said that she was with Craig and Gary the Retard one night and they went to visit Artie at a comedy show. Artie said he didn't know that they were dating at the time. Jen said it was on the down low at the time so no one knew. She said that Artie also looked at her arm but pretended he wasn't when he saw her.
Howard spent a few minutes asking Jen about her prosthetic arm and stuff like that. Artie said that he doesn't think that he could be with Jen. That led to Crackhead Bob trying to help Artie out and saying that now he loves himself even though other people might now. Bob said he loves himself and Artie should love himself as well. He said that he loves his soul and himself. He told Artie he has to go to the meetings and learn to love himself before anyone else.
Artie said that both Bob and Beetlejuice have now called him a mess so that's really working on him. He asked Howard to move on to the game. Howard explained what was going on again and said that they have paddles taped to their dead arms and they were going to play for the $2,500 grand prize. Jen was going to serve first because she's a girl.
Bob and Jen started the game and Jen went down one point within a few seconds. She then served again and Bob missed so the score was tied 1-1. Howard had Bob serve but it wasn't going to be easy. Bob managed to do it but he missed so Jen was up 2-1. Bob tried again and tied up the score. Jen served next and got herself another point. It was 3-2. Jen served again and Bob missed again so she was up 4-2. Bob was up to serve again and blew it when he missed again. Jen won the $2,500. Howard said he was going to give Bob $2,500 as well since he'd look like a dick if he let him walk away without any money after that whole thing.
Irish John called in and said that he saw Jen's boobs at a comedy show one time and she couldn't stop showing them. He wondered why she didn't show them today. She said that she had a lot to drink that day and there were pictures taken. John said they're up on HowardShrine.com.
Crackhead Bob said that Artie has his number but never calls him. Artie said ''Yeah, get the hint?'' when he brought that up. Howard told Bob that he's proud of his sobriety and he thinks that Artie should go with him. Howard wrapped things up and played one of Crackhead Bob's best prank calls as they were going to break. He was about to play his call to a Chinese restaurant but Gary asked if Jen wanted to ride the Sybian. Jen said she draws the line at the RoboSpanker so she won't be riding the Sybian.
Crackhead Bob said that his birthday is today so the guys tried to guess how old he is. The guys said that he looked between 45 and 65. Bob said that he's ''one, two, three, four...'' and counted up to eight after showing four fingers, so he's 48. Howard played that prank call of Bob's. He asked Bob if that's how it goes when he's really trying to order food. Bob said it is tough. He said his favorite food is ''Ticky tow mein'' but then said it was actually just chicken. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Bob Saget was there and he was going to have him come in. Artie said he and Bob were out in the hall talking about their iPhones. Bob said that he couldn't bring the phone in there because it gives off a signal that comes out over the air. Howard said they are kind of cool phones. He said he's got a small laptop he carries with him instead of something like that. Robin said she wants a phone that she can just use as a phone.
Howard said he asked Ralph to pull up a Gwen Stefani video on YouTube on his iPhone but it took him like 10 minutes to do it. That led to Howard talking about Gwen Stefani and what a cunt she was to him when he saw her at Letterman one night. He said he went up to her back up singers and told them how good they were and then said hi to Gwen who just said thanks and walked away when he said he thought she was really good. Howard asked Robin when he did Letterman and saw Gwen there. No one was sure when that happened though.
Howard told Bob about Steve Martin's new book (Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life) and told him how good it is. Bob said that he might have to check that out. Howard told him about how inspiring the book is because Steve was about ready to give up on his comedy career when he finally hit big.
Bob told some Rodney Dangerfield stories and that led to Artie telling some stories about the guy that he heard from Norm MacDonald. Rodney apparently hated everything from TV and movies right down to stand-up comedy. Bob said that Rodney was really good to him. He said he met him one night and Rodney told him he had a good ''Jew head'' on him that was always thinking.
Bob said that Rodney always had his balls hanging out too. Howard said he heard a story from this guy David Permit who had a meeting with Rodney and he came walking in with a bathrobe on and his balls hanging out. Bob said that Rodney really helped him out with stuff back then. Artie said he did a gig at Dangerfield's not too long ago and it was really sad. There were only like 16 people there and it's all trapped in the 70s and everyone there is miserable.
Howard asked Bob if he's still with the young chick he was dating. Bob said he's dating a younger woman, who's 27, and he's 51. He said her name is Michelle which is ironic since that was the name of one of the girls on ''Full House.' Bob said he met her mother recently and her mother is 1 year younger than him. He said her father is older than him though. Howard asked him if he's going to marry her. Bob pretended he didn't hear the question. He said they'd just having fun right now.
Robin asked Bob if he was part of the intervention for one of his co-stars from ''Full House.'' Bob said that was a bunch of crap. He said that she's doing fine now but he wasn't part of any intervention. Bob also told Howard about hanging out with John Stamos and his young girlfriend. Howard said that John is a good dude. Bob said that John was all excited because he knew that he'd be talking about him on the show today.
Bob said that he went to Greece with John and John took a Toblerone bar and melted it in his bathing suit to make it look like he had explosive diarrhea. He said that his girlfriend knew it was a joke and that he hadn't shit his pants.
Howard told Bob that he was once in bed naked with Rebecca Romijn. He swore that there was no sex going on that night but he was in a towel and Rebecca was naked in his bed. Howard said he thinks that Stamos may have touched Beth's boob that night but she backed off of all of that. Howard said he didn't want John doing that stuff. Gary said that Howard never told that part of the story before and he gives us something new every time he tells the story.
Howard asked Bob if he got to do anything with Stamos' girlfriend when they were hanging out. Howard said that Rebecca and Beth were topless and having fun that night they hung out. Artie said that he thinks the only reason Howard wouldn't have done anything is because of Beth not wanting to do anything. Howard said that there was no way he was going to fuck his thing up with Beth that night. Robin said she thinks that Beth put a stop to it, not Howard.
The guys ended up talking to Howard more about this John and Rebecca thing. Howard said that Rebecca was at his place the next day and he didn't do anything with her. He didn't put the moves on her or anything because he was with Beth at the time. He said he would fuck the shit out of Rebecca if he wasn't with Beth. Robin said she wanted to know why they even started that whole thing. Howard said John got the whole thing started that night. He knows how to party.
Ralph called in and said that there's no way that there were women in a body of water and they weren't topless around John Stamos. He said that John makes that stuff happen. Bob said that no one was naked that night they were all hanging out. He said that Ralph is right about that though, John usually makes that kind of stuff happen.
Howard asked Bob about his 1 Vs. 100 show and how that's going. Bob said they'll be shooting some new shows soon. They were going to have Buzz Aldrin on the show but he ended up leaving because they kept him waiting too long. Howard talked about his call with Buzz and how he was asking him about his face lift and stuff like that. Bob said he went on vacation and had Buzz Aldrin there scuba diving with him.
Howard gave Bob a plug for his comedy special, That Ain't Right, that's on HBO this weekend. Bob said that he still does material about her in his act and she's cool with it. He said that she's a good person and like his best friend.
Artie said that Bob is like a ladies man and he gets some chicks. He said that kind of surprised him. Howard asked Bob if he got any Playboy chicks. Bob said he really didn't and joked that he did bang a chick who had a staple in her stomach.
Gary came in and asked Bob if he wrote the jokes on America's Funniest Home Videos himself. Bob said he actually wrote with a couple of Canadian guys so they weren't all his jokes. He said he wasn't thrilled doing that show though. He couldn't do the kind of comedy he really wanted to do back then. He said he was told that he's not a real announcer though. That led to Howard talking about how he wasn't much of an announcer when he started out and he just worked on it more and more.
Gary said that Bob is the narrator on ''How I Met Your Mother'' which Howard used to like. Howard said he's done with that show and he thinks that the hot chick on that show could lose like 25 pounds. Gary asked Bob if he gets paid well to do that show. Bob said he does get paid and he goes in each week to do the narrating. Howard told Bob that he'd love to have a game show gig like he has. He doesn't want something tough like The Price is Right, he wants something simple. He said he'd even like to do a narrating job.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard about the Rebecca Romijn story and said that he's got to be a homo if he didn't do anything with her. Howard said he wasn't comfortable with any of what was going on that night. He doesn't know if Rebecca wanted him that night and the whole thing is foggy to him and he doesn't want to talk about it anymore.
Howard took another call and the guy said that Howard was kind of talking down to Bob and he didn't like it. Howard thought that guy was just busting his balls too. Howard got back to the John and Rebecca story and explained what was going on that night. He said they were celebrating Rebecca's birthday and eating and drinking. Then the girls took their tops off and danced around. Then the second time is when Rebecca ended up in his bed naked. He said he was wrong about that and then said that there was another girl who said that she wanted to go in the tub. Howard said he didn't want to go into the tub so he went into his bedroom and Rebecca came in to see if he was okay. Then Beth came in to see if he was okay. He said it was ''very kind of hot'' and all but there are no holes in his story.
Artie said he was getting pissed off hearing this because he didn't understand why they didn't get a big thing going. Howard said they were just fuckin' around having a good time. Bob said that he's heard this story a bunch of times. Gary said that the story changes every time though. Gary said that if anyone else was telling the story, Howard would be digging for more details. Howard said he didn't care about this story though.
Bob brought up Artie's drinking and staying out late last night. That led to the guys talking about how Artie could have screwed up ''Dirty Work'' when he was up in Canada. Artie told that story real quick where he was up in Toronto trying to buy coke from some Mexicans. Artie said he got mad at himself and threw out the Mexican guy's number the next morning.
Howard asked Bob if he ever did coke. Bob said he tried it ''back in the day'' but he didn't get into it that deep. Howard said he tried heroin once accidentally thinking it was coke. He said he got that euphoric feeling but it scared him.
Another caller told Howard that this story of his changes every time and now there's a third chick in the story and he knows he's got to be hiding something. Howard said he's not hiding anything and then said if they wanted to hear he fucked all of them, then he'll say that he fucked them all.
Howard wrapped up with Bob and gave him another plug for his HBO special. He said the special will be out on DVD (Bob Saget: That Ain't Right) later this month.
Howard asked bob who he likes in comedy these days. Bob said there are a few guys out there he likes. He mentioned Lewis Black, Dave Chappelle, Jerry Seinfeld, Dane Cook and Bill Maher as a few. Artie said he heard that Dane Cook has a really amazing work ethic and doesn't drink or anything like that. Bob told Artie that Dane is his antithesis. That got a laugh out of Artie. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Fred said they seem to be more popular now than ever. Artie said that song reminds him of his audition for MAD TV because he did a Rush Limbaugh impression where he recited the lyrics from Rush songs. He said they loved it, luckily, and he got the job.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loved the Howard TV show where Artie was doing his Iron Sheik impression. The guy also asked Artie about the chick who was in there playing keyboards and if Artie had talked to her. Artie said he lost her number. He said that they should have gotten back by now and he should have called her. He said that she did say she'd go out with him. He said he will call if he can get her number.
Howard had Mike Walker on the phone so he went to him to play his Gossip Game. Howard gave him some plugs for his shows and then had him get to his game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he wanted to know what Rebecca looked like naked. Howard said he was perfect. He still says that he didn't bang her though. He said he didn't need to with a gem like Beth in the other room.
Howard had Steve Langford come in after that. Steve ran down the stories they were working on today. He said that Jim Florentine isn't returning their calls now. Steve said that after yesterday's developments they weren't able to get him to call back. The guys said that maybe Jim is trying to make sure that date happens. Steve said that they have a proposal to have High Pitch Mike open up his apartment if Robin and Jim let them cover their date.
Robin said that she told Steve that he was having a negative impact on the date and she had to call it off. Howard said he finds that hard to believe and she won't call it off because she's interested in Jim. Robin said that she will call it off if Steve stays on the story.
Steve said that Sam Simon was asked to comment on the latest Ralph debacle. He said there is no story there but that means that Steve thinks there's a big story there. Howard said that the whole Sam thing kind of weighs on him because now he's afraid that Ralph is going to break stuff at his place this weekend. He said that Ralph never leaves either and that kind of bothers him.
Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll be talking about the ping pong games that were played today. Ralph called in and asked what he was talking about with him staying too long. Howard said he'd call him after the show to talk about it. Ralph said he has no reason to leave that beautiful home that he has out there in the Hamptons. Howard said that his parents are the greatest, they stay for a short time and then go. He said that's the way it should be. Howard told him he wants to do this off the air.
Jon said they'll be talking about what was going on with the ping pong thing and the microphones not working. The guys talked about having the ping pong table in the studio and what that was like. Howard said it was fun but he still thinks the game is horrible. He said he had a table on the set of Private Parts but hardly anyone played. He said that Len Blum wanted to play so he had it set up for him.
Jon said that they'll discuss Bob Saget's interview today and also about the gross studio and how they may have it swabbed. They'll also talk about Gary's wart and Benjy's sweat.
Howard had Mutt on the phone and he said they'll be talking about the line of Wack Pack beggars. He said they'll be taking calls from the fans to find out if they want to see his cock. They'll also talk about the Sal and Richard gay stuff and find out what the fans want to see on their special. Howard asked Mutt if they're going to have Joey Boots on the show. Mutt said he's not going to be on until he can calm down. Right now he's too out of control according to Mutt. Howard let Mutt go and had Robin start her news.
Robin asked Howard if he saw the before and after pictures of Jenna Jameson after she had her implants removed. Howard said that she's lost a tremendous amount of weight and she doesn't look like herself anymore. He said she's been a favorite of his but she's gotten way, way skinny and looking too gaunt now. He said she removed her implants and looks nice but those implants made her special. He said it also looks like she did a lot of facial surgery. He said he's not sure if she has, but it certainly looks that way. Mike Gange told Howard that she's claiming she's out of porn 100 percent but Howard said she's done that in the past though. He seems to think she'll be back.
Robin got back to her news and brought up Michael Vick. That led to Scott Ferrall calling in to go off on that subject. Scott spent a few minutes on that getting all pissed off. Howard let him go and said that Scott is going to be broadcasting from the UFC fights out in Vegas this weekend.
Robin had Howard play a clip of President Bush talking about what a mistake it was pulling out of Vietnam. Howard went nuts during that clip and said that Bush was basically saying it was a bad idea to pull out of that mess.
Howard asked Robin to cheer him up with some better news so she moved on to some entertainment news. She brought up Jet Li's new movie which didn't seem to cheer him up at all. Howard said he hates when karate movies try to get all artsy. He said they should just beat the shit out of each other.
Robin wrapped up her news and Artie got in a plug for the Comedy Central thing he's doing tomorrow night. He's hosting the whole night of comedy shows and then the premiere of ''Beer League'' uncensored. Artie also threw in a plug for his web site Artie-Lange.com and said he needs a manager. Howard ended the show around 10:25am.
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Gary said that his movie has been number 1 for a few weeks now. Howard said he just does a voice for one of the Ninja Turtles. He didn't know what else he had to promote. Gary said that Core and the other Corey had a number 1 movie on HBO too. Howard said that he's got to know that the public isn't waiting on his every word.
Gary said that Corey thought that he was the one who was keeping him off the show. Howard said Gary told him what was going on so he knew about it all. Howard said that Leno and Letterman don't get accused of this kind of stuff and they don't have to explain themselves either. Gary is the one who is supposed to take care of that and take the blame.
Howard said that Gary shouldn't even come to him and tell him that the guests complain. He said that Gary should take all responsibility and tell them that they can't come on. Howard said he should be able to put all the blame on him and not have to explain that they all agree that the guest shouldn't be on.
Howard said he likes Corey and he's welcome to come on once in a while but they really need them to schedule appearances spread out a little more. Howard said he wanted Gary to repeat after him about some stuff so he could straighten him out. Gary walked out of the studio. Howard said that Gary's wife is the one who wants him to stop doing that. He said she's been giving him a hard time about the repeating stuff. He also thinks that she's been out throwing Gary's name around when she's out.
Gary said that his wife didn't say anything about his repeating stuff. He said that now he's married and he won't do the repeating stuff anymore. Howard told Gary that they have a major problem if he won't repeat. He needs a producer who will repeat after him. Gary said they do have a problem them. He won't repeat.
Howard told Gary to say just three words. He told him to say ''I will repeat'' and Gary did it. He told him that making a big deal out of it was making things worse. Gary said that it's demeaning and he wants nothing to do with it. Howard told him that degrading him is about 35 percent of this show so he has to do it. Gary said that he's never going to repeat again after today. Howard then had him repeat a bunch of stuff about him not understanding any facet of his job, whatsoever. Gary did it but said he will never repeat again. Howard said Gary was a little resistant today. He said he learns so much from repeating but he hates it so much.
Howard had a guy on the phone who had taped the Bob Costas show which was being guest hosted by Tom Snyder. Howard said Tom is very pompous and thinks he's great but he's really not. He said that he did an interview with Tom one time and Tom accused him of being the reason that he doesn't get ratings. He said Tom is just angry that he gets no ratings and he has to blame someone for it.
Howard had the guy play the tape where Tom was talking to a guest about Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern and why their shows were making people hate each other. The guest and Tom spent a few minutes talking about what these guys are going to be doing when they get older.
Howard said that was Jay Thomas going off on him and he thinks that he just can't do a show like his and that's why he's complaining about him while he's talking to Tom Snyder. He also went off on Rush Limbaugh because he's such a no-talent in his opinion. He said he doesn't listen to the guy though.
Howard said he tuned into the Greaseman last night and he just doesn't get why the company he works for would hire a guy like that. He started to do an impression of the guy doing his goofy voice. He said he just doesn't get it.
The caller asked if Howard was going to be on down in Atlantic City anytime soon because he can't get a signal on his radio. He said he can get him on the local cable company's FM service but not on regular radio. Howard said he can't get that kind of stuff on his cable. The caller asked if he could plug his band but Howard told him that bands like Nirvana and Pearl Jam never called to plug their band so doing that probably wasn't going to help.
Howard let King go and picked up on Captain Janks who was also on the line. He said that Janks was going to be in Philly with them next week. They're going to do a show in the afternoon just to mess with the Zookeeper down there because he's moved to afternoons. Howard was having problems with his headphones so he asked Scott to get him some Sonys instead of the AKG that he had. Scott said he'd go look for a set. Howard told him that he should keep like 5 in stock there so he can get a new set when they crap out.
Janks said he made a call to a talk show and asked a Howard Stern question to the guest on the show. They joked around about Janks calling in and how it was probably going to be played the next morning on Howard's show. Howard said that host, Peter, sounds very nervous.
Howard went to the phones after playing the movie and asked the fans what they thought about it. Callers were saying that it was great. He and Robin also talked about their favorite parts of the movie. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard was trying to dig his way out of the mess he'd gotten in. He told Corey that this was really about Gary and the way he handles his job. He said that Gary came to him a couple of weeks ago and mentioned that Corey wanted to come on the show. He said that Gary was supposed to ask him to hold off a couple of weeks because they like to space out the appearances. He said that Gary is supposed to pass along that kind of information to the guests. Howard said he told Gary to tell Corey that he's barely in this Ninja Turtles movie so he didn't think he should even be out promoting it. Corey said he had other things to promote though.
Howard said he's happy to have Corey there. He said it's his fault for hiring a monkey to work for his show. He told Corey that he had to ask Dice to back off for a while because he was coming in every day for a while. They like to keep that stuff spread out more.
Corey said he has a lot of people come up to him and ask when he's going to be on the show again. He said he's got other things to do too so he doesn't have to be on. Gary came in and said that Corey was kind of bumming out about the whole thing when he told him he wasn't sure if they could have him on. Corey said that wasn't true.
Howard said that when Gary started out working for him, he only had $150 a week to pay someone. That's how he got Gary to work for him. He said that there was no one else who wanted him so he got the guy cheap. Gary said that Howard could have gotten rid of him early on if he really wanted to but he kept him on. Howard said that Gary has a really strong point of remembering everything that they've done on the show. That's one reason to keep him on.
Gary said that Arnold Schwarzenegger's publicist told him that she'd heard great things about him and it was an honor to talk to him. He gets respect from people and he's not sure why Howard is saying these things about him.
Howard said that they've had to hold back a lot of guests. He joked that Sam Kinison hadn't been on in a long time. That's because Sam is dead. Howard said they were going to try and contact Sam through a psychic. Gary said that she told him that it could get very heavy when they do that.
Howard said that they're going to head down to Philly next Monday and they'll be driving down since no one wants to fly. He said they might get Jessica Hahn on the party bus and have some fun with her. He asked Corey if he would bang her if he could. Corey said she's not his type so he wouldn't bang her.
Robin was the one who saw that Corey was about to walk out without doing the show. She said she saw him at the elevator and tried to stop him from leaving. She managed to keep him there. Corey said that he really didn't need that crap and he was about to walk out.
Howard asked Corey to do him a favor and call Scott the Engineer's son as Donatello from the Ninja Turtles. Corey said he'd do it but Howard asked him about his friend Jason that was there. Corey said that he's been in a few movies that Howard had seen. Howard didn't recognize the guy though.
Howard went off on New Line Cinema after he mentioned that Corey had done his movie with them. Howard said he had to get away from them because they wanted to turn his Fartman movie into a PG rated movie. He said he told them up front what he wanted to do and they still wanted to make the movie PG. Howard told Corey that if he had made ''Stand By Me'' it would have been called something like ''Stand By Me and My Transsexual Brother.'' Howard spent a few minutes going off on New Line for not knowing that he has to make an R rated movie.
Corey ran into Gary's cousin out at a bar one night and he thought that he could have gotten her. Howard asked Corey if he dates chicks or if he just bangs them. Corey said he dates women and he has a nice girl that he's seeing now. He said that she's a loan officer at a bank. That all led to Howard talking about going out to clubs and hating it. He said that he'd panic if his friends wanted to go out to a club because he always felt so awkward there. He said he'd just stand in a corner drinking and smoking cigarettes.
Howard told some stories about going out with his long time friend Dr. Lou and how he used to get chicks all the time. He said that the girls would actually go up to Lou and talk to Lou but no one would come up to him. Gary let Howard know that they had Willie Nelson on the line so he moved on to that.
Howard said he was going to be interviewing Willie later today for an E! special. Howard asked him about his tax troubles and how that's all going. Willie said he's working on paying that stuff off. Howard spent some time talking to Willie about his sex life and found out that he once did a back flip while making love to a woman. Willie didn't seem to remember a lot about that stuff though. There was a story about Willie lasting 9 hours in bed so Howard asked him if that includes cleaning his beard. Willie laughed and said that it probably includes cigarette smoking too.
Howard asked Willie if he got laid a lot before he got that look of his together. He said that he knows Joe Walsh and he's no looker but all he has to do is put on that guitar and it's like a tookie magnet. Howard also asked if Willie ever got it on with Dolly Parton. Willie said he used to hang out with her but he wasn't saying he ever hooked up with her.
Howard also brought up how country stars tend to have their fans almost living with them all the time. He mentioned Twitty City and how Conway Twitty had his fans living in his back yard. They also brought up the Taco Bell ads that Willie has been doing lately. They talked about that and also about Willie's six kids. Howard said the kids probably expected to inherit all of that money he had to give up to the IRS.
The guys also asked Willie about some of the other country stars like Garth Brooks, Waylon Jennings and others. Howard said that he's seen Willie without his beard and he looks kind of odd. Willie said that he looks like a chicken without that beard. Howard thought about growing a beard but Robin told him that would be a bad idea.
Howard asked Willie to bring his girlfriend with him later tody when they do the interview. Willie said that she won't come because she doesn't like to be photographed. Howard spent a few more minutes with Willie and then wrapped up and said he'd see him later for the E! interview.
Howard said that Willie does whatever he wants to. He gets to bang other chicks when he's out on the road. Robin thinks he has that all wrong and he doesn't get to do whatever he wants. If he did that, he wouldn't keep that stuff a secret.
Howard talked more about Willie's tax problems and how he lost track of tens of millions of dollars and didn't pay taxes on that money. He said he'll get the real story from Willie tonight when he interviews him. Jackie thought that Willie had spent all of those millions and he wasn't sure how he could do that.
Howard told Scott to get his son on the phone so they could have Corey do his Donatello thing with him. He said that Scott is really pussy whipped and this will put him in good with his wife and kid. He dialed Scott's number and got his son on the line so they could do the Donatello thing.
Scott's son Matt got on the phone and talked to ''Don'' for a short time. Corey did his voice and talked to the kid about the Ninja Turtles movie. Howard then went into his own Ninja Turtles voice. It sounded a lot like Kermit the Frog. He turned Matt back over to Donatello but there was a lot of goofing around going on. Corey was goofing on Matthew's father and told him to go see the movie 10 more times and to buy all of the Ninja Turtles products.
Donatello asked Matthew if he's ever heard his father mention the name Tom Chiusano and then curse. Scott told him he didn't have to answer that one. Howard went into his voice again and asked Matthew some questions but the kid didn't respond to him as easy as he did with Donatello. They were goofing on Scott too much so Scott asked Matt if he had something else to do. They let him go a short time later.
Howard said he passed Corey a note to ask Matthew if he ever hears strange noises coming from mommy and daddy's bedroom. Corey said he just couldn't ask that one. Howard gave Corey some plugs for his current projects and mentioned a movie he had done for HBO. He said that Nicole Eggert is in the movie and Gary heard that she's naked throughout the movie. Corey said that's true.
Howard told Corey he could go have a good time with that dickwad Scott Shannon. Corey said he was going to blow it off because he felt so bad about it now. Howard said he didn't have to do that. Corey said that he was going to go on his show and plug Howard's show on there. Howard said he could do that. He wrapped up with him a short time later and went to break.
Mrs. Salem said that Howard wouldn't want his daughter to be asked questions like that. She said that her son could turn out to be like him if they keep that up. Howard said he couldn't take her seriously. She was angry and said that they could keep on laughing but this was a 7 year old child and what they did was wrong.
Mrs. Salem also said that her husband is not pussy whipped. Howard said that Scott is whipped and he won't even tell her what he lost in the poker game they played. Howard laughed when he heard that Scott told her that he'd only lost $100. Howard told her that he'd actually tipped the doorman that much money.
Mrs. Salem complained that she'd gotten calls from her friends about that call earlier. Howard said that he looked up the word ''Pussy Whipped'' in the dictionary and Scott's picture wasn't in there because he wife wouldn't let him have his picture taken.
Howard told Scott's wife to go back to doing her hair and nails or whatever she does. She said she didn't have to do either of those things. Howard asked if that was really Scott's wife or if Billy (West) was goofing on them. Howard told her that she sounds like his mom. He asked her why she makes Scott run home to take care of the kid. She said she doesn't do that. Howard wrapped up with her a short time later and let her go. She didn't sound too happy when she got off the line.
After replaying the bit Howard took some phone calls and asked the fans what they thought about it. A bunch of guys said it was good and one guy asked what was wrong with Gary today, he seemed kind of edgy. Gary said that he really has been edgy. The caller had sent in a bunch of celluloid pictures of Gary that he'd created. They got them all and Gary thanked him a lot for that.
Howard said he had to get out of there on time today because he had to go do those interviews at E!. He said he had Maurey Povich, Don King and Willie Nelson to interview.
Howard told Robin she got a lot of good feedback about that movie. He read through some more faxes and then had her start her news.
Howard said that he can't imagine being that Scott Shannon guy. A few years ago they were saying he was a genius but now he's nothing. Howard said that he took credit for inventing the whole morning zoo thing but that was an idea he stole. Shannon tried going to California to do the morning zoo thing and it failed out there. He said that Shannon is nothing but a loser.
After taking a break Robin read through some faxes about herself. Some fans were upset with her getting so upset with Howard earlier and went off on her about that. Robin and Howard spent quite a bit of time talking about the Rodney King case and the rioting that went on.
During the news Howard and Robin were talking about a guy they saw on a TV newscast who had some ''white gunk'' on his eye. Howard wanted to know what it was so he had Gary call his buddy Dr. Lou to find out what it could have been. Gary came back later and told Howard that Dr. Lou was in surgery so he wasn't able to get on the phone.
Robin ran through some more news stories. Howard ended up talking about Aresenio Hall and his wacky audiences who hoot at the guy. He did his impression of them making that noise that they make and asking what that's all about.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about what his day was going to be like over at E!. He said that it's like a planet of women over there. He said he feels like he has to behave over there in front of the women. He said the other day he tried to get Fran Shea into high heels but she refused to do it for him. Howard ended the show around 9:40am (Master Tape Theatre time).
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