Howard started off the show talking about how he beat off to Carmen Luvana last night. Robin wondered why he was talking like that. Howard said that he just figured that they'd like to know. He said he thought that he'd tell everyone just in case Carmen is listening herself. Artie asked who she is. Howard said she was on the show and he was going through his stash of porno and found that one to watch.
Robin said that she was reading about this creepy lawyer guy who had set up this peep hole camera to check out some female public defenders he worked with. Howard said that when you say ''creepy lawyer, that's being kind of redundant. She said that they found he had a bunch of porn videos in his house. Howard said guys who save their porno and catalog them are really creepy.
Howard wondered what's creepier. A guy who has a Real Doll or one who saves his porno. Everyone agreed that it was the Real Doll. He said that a guy who keeps every Playboy in plastic is really weird. Richard Christy came in a short time later and told the guys about how he has a storage place there in the city and he's got boxes full of Playboys in there. He's got every issue of the lingerie editions since 1994. He said some of them are worth some money on eBay. Howard made fun of him by comparing him to the Star Wars guys they've interviewed recently. He mentioned the Darth Nihilus guy and the Gamorrean guard doing impressions of them.
Howard said he feels that his creepy factor is down compared to some guys. He gets his from work and doesn't keep them all. Artie said that he's only had 3 pornos and they're all on VHS tape. He said he keeps them for a long time and doesn't get rid of them. Howard told Gary to give Artie a bag of 10 pornos whether he wants them or not. Artie said he knows the porno movies he has as well as he knows the Godfather movie. Howard kept telling Gary to give Artie those tapes because he knows that Artie won't take them unless they force him to.
Artie talked about some of the movies he has and how he can recite the lines from them. He's got one that Jenna Jameson is in and how the guys in the movie are all doing really bad accents in it. He described the scene and how Jenna was on this Roman pillar thing and these guys are doing really bad accents. He explained how bad the movie was and how this other chick comes and tries to pick her up. They eventually have this 8 minute fuck session. He said that it's edited really poorly and they cut to other scenes. Then Jenna hooks up with a guy and starts doing the guy. Then the other chick is there doing guys too. He said he thinks the movie was called ''Maiden Sarah.'' Artie said that he's had that movie for at least a dozen years.
Howard said that Carmen Luvana has been on the show a couple of times and Benjy once had his toe inside of her. He went on to say that the movie is called ''Panty Drawer'' and all of the chicks in the movie are hot. He said that some of the movies that Gary has in his office are really bizarre looking and they should be thrown out.
Howard said he wondered if he should grow out that Hitler moustache and show up on Letterman to tell him he's growing it to try and bring it back into style. Richard said that moustache would have to be on the nicest person in the world to bring it back into style. The guys also brought up the Osama bin Laden beard and how he may have stolen that from the ZZ Top guys.
Howard said the next time he does Letterman he may just do this and tell him he's bringing back the moustache. He figured that it must have been big over in Germany back before Hitler was taken out. He wondered if that would be more offensive than the N-word to black people.
Fred told Howard that he was reading that Hitler had to shave his moustache to fit his gas mask that he had to wear back in those days so that's the only reason he shaved it to look like that. Richard said he likes those guys who grow really long moustaches and curl them at the ends. He saw a guy out the other night like that and figured he was really old school.
The guys talked about Hitler and some history about him. Howard wondered if he would have been as successful without that moustache. Robin said it may have all gone hand in hand. They said he must have taken his hair style from Moe from the Three Stooges and his moustache from Charlie Chaplain. Howard said he could hear Dave asking him about his moustache and he'd have to tell him that he'd like it to be called the Howard moustache instead of a Hitler moustache.
Howard said he once asked Mark Chernoff to grow a Hitler moustache back when he was on K-Rock. He said it takes a lot of balls to walk around with a moustache like that. Howard said that John Stamos could pull it off and get laid with that moustache. He said he's sure he could get laid like that but Robin said that would mess up his look. Artie thinks that Johnny Depp could pull it off too.
Artie said that Tom Cruise is making a new movie about the Nazis and he saw him in one of those uniforms and he really fit the part. Howard said that Tom is a good actor and people tend to forget that based on his wacky behavior.
Howard said Beth was out last night so he figured he'd run off a batch to make himself tired. He said it was after 8 o'clock last night when he decided to watch it. He figured he'd just do it while he was sitting at his desk instead of waiting for his TV screen to drop down and all of that.
Artie said that he went out on a date with a chick on Saturday and had to beat off after because he didn't get laid. He said that he went out with some of the guys from the show to celebrate Jason's engagement. He said Richard was out shooting pool and getting really drunk. He said this chick he was going out with didn't get off from work until 11 that night. He said he realized that he does have a type like the guys on the show say, she's a bartender at a club in Jersey.
Artie said that a bunch of the guys from SIRIUS were there at the bar where the guys were celebrating. He said that JD was just sitting there moping while everyone else was celebrating. He said that there were chicks there. He said that JD doesn't invite anyone to talk to him and no chick is going to go up to him and start a conversation. Howard called JD in there to get him in this conversation.
JD came in so Howard told him to get some confidence and just talk to some chicks. JD said he didn't think that any of the chicks that were there were all that attractive. He said he was just talking to people he knew. Artie said that he's taking JD out to Vegas this weekend and he's going to get him laid. He's got a whole floor of rooms out there at the hotel he's staying at and if he has to, he's going to pay for some chicks. Howard asked JD if he's paid for any whores yet. JD said he doesn't think he has.
Artie said that he's going to get JD some hot chick to bang him out there. JD told Howard that he doesn't talk to anyone he doesn't know so that's why he doesn't meet new chicks. Artie said that they're going to be at this club out there and the chicks are going to be unreal. He said they're going to hang out at the pool all day Friday and there will be chicks all over the place. He said they can do that all day Friday and all day Saturday. Howard figures they'll come back on Monday and hear how JD just sat there doing nothing.
Howard brought up JD's trip to Jamaica where he almost drowned in 3 feet of water. Howard asked JD if he's ever beat off to Carmen Luvana. JD said ''of course...'' Howard got back to his jerking off story and told the guys he was in his chair naked and beating off to the Carmen Luvana movie. He was in the middle of it when he thought about watching more of it even after he finished. Then, in the middle of his orgasm, he realized how disgusting it is and how disgusted he was with himself. He knows that he has to save it for next time though because he knows he'll want to see more of it when he needs to beat off again.
Artie got back to his story about his date. He said he saw Richard playing darts when he was leaving the bar the guys were at. He was getting drunk all night and throwing darts around. Howard wondered why they'd have a dart board at a bar where people get drunk. He said that he wants to open a bar where they have a firing range. Richard said the dart board was in a really high traffic area too and people had to duck under it when people were throwing darts.
Artie asked Richard if he got wasted that day. Richard said he wasn't that bad. He had about 7 or 8 beers and a few shots of tequila. Artie said that Richard's girlfriend is really good looking and he was talking to her about the trip they're going on where they're going to be staying in haunted houses and stuff.
Richard got back to the dart board thing and said that they do make plastic ones that stick in a board that has holes in it. The guys said that's all gay though. They don't want to play darts like that.
Artie said that he told this chick he was going on the date with to meet him at this diner they agreed on. He said that they met at this place and ordered up some Disco Fries (fries with cheese and gravy) and some pancakes. He said he ate most of it after she ate like one bite of the pancakes and one of the fries.
Artie said that he was sitting there at the diner and this guy in a dirty hat and shirt was staring at him. He said it turns out the guy works with her and he anted to meet him. Artie said that he hoped that it wasn't her boyfriend or something. Howard said that's really a creepy thing to do but she must have been really hot to have recovered from that kind of awful thing.
Howard said that this guy's name is Luis so he wanted to get that out of the way. He said he wanted to get that over with so the guy came over and pulled out his Beer League and It's the Whisky Talkin DVDs to get signed. He said he was really happy to have met him and gave the chick a hug.
Robin said that it was very odd because the chick had to have told the guy that she was going on a date with Artie days before. Artie told her that it was okay with him and asked her not to do it again. He said it was a really weird move to make but he doesn't really care because he's not expecting a long term relationship. He said that he didn't get laid the first night so he wants to go on a second date.
Artie said that he kissed the chicks when he drove her home. He didn't get laid but he did some kissing when he dropped her off at home, which is her parent's house. He said that she didn't have a car with her at the diner so Luis must have driven her there to the diner. Artie said he'll probably call the chick today. He said that she was wearing these skin tight bartender pants and they were really hot to him. He said that all hot bartender chicks wear them.
Then at the end of the conversation the owner asked him to talk to his partner who was in the hospital. Howard said he did that but he was just being nice. He said this guy had been begging him to come down there and then he pulls this stuff. He said he loved the food and he's eaten there before but it's retarded to do stuff like that.
Howard said that the whole thing there is not to bother guests there but the owner thinks that it's okay for him to bother them. He said that the guy was really nice and picked up the tab but he wasn't looking for that. Artie said that he's been in situations like that himself and he has people putting him on the phone with people who hardly even know who he is.
Howard said there was this other guy there who wanted to shake his hand when he was eating. He refused to do that but then the guy had his face really close and he was kind of drunk. He said he kept the conversation going and kept his face way too close. Ross asked him to back off a little bit. Then the guy freaked out and couldn't believe he didn't want to make this deal with him that he was asking about. Howard said it's crazy out there.
Howard said he does say hi to some fans and will shake a hand here or there but some of this stuff can get annoying. Robin told a story about how she had a guy tell her how nice her car was one time and then followed her home. She said that he knew that it was creepy that he had followed her but he just wanted to know if she was really Robin. She was ready to run into her house to call the cops.
Artie mentioned that he got one of these new iPhone things. He said that the people at Rescue Me sent him one as a gift and he thinks it looks really cool. Howard had some stuff to say about that phone but he had to take a break first.
Howard went on to talk about this Bionic-Con convention and how it featured fans of the Six Million Dollar Man. Lee Majors was supposed to be there and 200 fans showed up to celebrate the bionic man and woman and also Buck Rogers. He read through the article and said that there were stars like Richard Anderson, Erin Gray and Gil Gerard. There was someone who paid $3,300 to have dinner with Lee Majors but Majors didn't show up. He said that Majors burned all of his fans by not showing up.
Howard read that some fans were really upset that Majors didn't show up. Some of his co-stars were upset that he didn't show up either. The guy who played the original Cousin It was there and got upset about him not coming. Howard said that they should have been there to do interviews, he would have loved to have spoken to the guy who played Cousin It.
Howard said it turns out Lee Majors had to film a movie that weekend and wasn't able to make it. The article also mentioned that they have a cruise coming up next year so maybe Majors will be able to make that. Howard said that's funny that Lee Majors is a big draw like that.
Howard read through some of The Onion's latest headlines which are pretty funny. He read through a few of the headlines and said that those guys are really funny over there.
Howard said that they'll have the waxing woman there and she'll show Brandon what to do. He said that if he'll do that, then he's in for the news. Brandon said he thinks that she'll be okay with it. Howard wondered if Brandon's mother is really hairy down there. He said that he seems to remember that she was pretty hairy down there back when he was younger. Howard thought it was kind of odd how he agreed to that so quickly. He let him go a short time later and moved on to other stuff.
The caller asked Howard when they're going to have Valentina Vaughn back on the show. Only Artie understood what he said so he had to interpret. He said he speaks 'retard'' so that's how he understood. Howard asked the guy about going to school and how he was left back while all of the other kids moved on. Howard asked if they could call him ''Special Ed'' since he was in Special Ed. The caller's name was James but Howard wanted him to call in as ''Special Ed'' which is Jim Florentine's character's name from Crank Yankers. James even did a ''Yay!'' that sounded very similar to Jim's retarded character.
Howard asked Special Ed if he could do simple math. James said he could but a simple 30 plus 20 came out to 70 and 8 plus 2 was 11. He said he was kidding and it was 10 but then he still couldn't get the 30 plus 20. Howard helped him and told him to drop the zeros and he could get it easy. He got the idea but then Howard gave him 300 plus 200 and Special Ed came up with 400. Howard then gave him 50 plus 21 and he got it right but Robin thought he had gotten it wrong.
Howard thanked Special Ed for calling in and let him go. Special Ed asked for his autograph so Howard put him on hold and told Gary to sign something for him. Gary said he'd take care of it. The guys said that Special Ed had a harder job than even Jeff the Drunk ever did. Howard had Jeff on the phone so he told Jeff he could push carts like Special Ed was. Jeff said that you have to collect a whole bunch of carts doing that job and he really can't do that with one arm.
Jeff said that they had to do his skin graft over again because it didn't take the first time. He said that he's not sure how they're going to do it now. Howard said that maybe they should have left that thing alone. Jeff said that he hasn't smoked a cigarette since Tuesday. He's on bed rest now and he's not able to smoke. He's going to be stuck in bed for the next two weeks. Howard told Jeff to take care of himself. He was about to hang up but Jeff asked for people to send him magazines and stuff. Jeff said if anyone wants to send stuff, they can send it to Albany Med and his name is Jeff Curro.
Artie asked him how much longer he's going to be in there. He said it'll be two weeks so Artie said he might have to go up there and bother him. Gary said that they have the option to do something with Jeff to make some money. Howard said they were going to tape ping pong paddles on his arm and play Wack Pong. They were going to use Jeff and Crackhead Bob since they both have dead arms. Howard said he was thinking of calling it ''Assisted Pong'' or something like that but he liked Robin's ''Wack Pong.'' Artie suggested ''Handi-Pong'' which might work too.
Artie and Howard were coming up with more pong ideas. Howard wondered if Richard and Sal would be up for some ''Dong Pong'' where they hit the balls with their penises.
Howard brought up this iPhone thing that Artie mentioned earlier. He said that he likes some of the features it has but he's not sure he wants to get one. He said that one of the guys there has one and he was saying that his phone gets shut down whenever he gets an e-mail.
Howard said they have some bugs to work out on the phone but you can watch video and listen to it as a regular iPod. Robin said that your hands are all over that screen all day long too. He said he's sure it will get better as the years go on.
Artie said that the phone was a great gift and he really wants to figure it out. He said that he'd love to be able to check out his web site from wherever he's at. Artie asked Gary if he could move all of his music from his iPod to this new iPhone. Gary told him that's very easy to do, you just hook it up to whatever computer you have your iTunes on.
Howard talked about how he was using a Blackberry for a while but now he's using a Treo. He said he hated the Blackberry because the phone sucked so bad. He told Artie that he should take over his own life and start doing stuff himself instead of having this guy Teddy as his assistant. Artie said that has been a problem lately because he had to wait for teddy to give him some pages from the Rescue Me script today when he could have started going over it over the weekend if he could get his own e-mail. Howard told Artie that he has to be able to plan his own day instead of relying on someone else.
Gary said that he thinks that the puppet may have been stolen over there at K-Rock and may not have made it over there from there. Gary said that a lot of people had a key to that studio over there and anyone could get in there. He said he's still looking for the puppet and he's still not sure if it's been stolen. Bong Hit was doing his Jackie Puppet impression but Howard had to move on to some other stuff so he let him go.
Artie said that he was supposed to chat with Keith on the day he was doing Conan. Artie said he went home that day and took a nap and wasn't able to call him that day. He said he slept through the appointment he had and just didn't have the time to do it. Artie said that it was just the one time though. Dr. Keith said it had been more than that. He said that they've canceled meetings and phone calls and it wasn't just the one time.
Howard said that it seems like Artie might not like people getting too close to him. Dr. Keith said that Artie started off his first meeting saying that he had a pretty care free life. That caught his attention because it doesn't seem that way.
Howard asked Dr. Keith about what Artie said about him saying that he might want to just have a kid with a woman who he's not married to. Dr. Keith said that he just can't see Artie having a wife and kid like he wants to. Artie went on to say that he thinks that he's still in love with Dana. He said Dr. Keith seems to think that he still wants to be with her and suggested that they just have a kid together. Dr. Keith said he wanted to explain that to everyone so they understand.
Dr. Keith said that Artie has a huge heart and he thinks that if Artie never experiences fatherhood, he's going to miss out on a lot. Robin said she can't see it being a comfortable thing for Artie or the woman. She said that the woman could get sick of dealing with Artie and move on with some other guy who will take over as the kid's father.
Dr. Keith said that he agrees that it could be a disaster. He said it would be very complicated. Howard said that Artie blowing off sessions is wrong and he really should try to make these things happen. Artie said that he hasn't missed out on regular meetings with Dr. Keith. He just missed that one phone call that day. He said that he was having a bad day anyway and just slept through it.
Howard asked Dr. Keith if Artie could be a father over the phone. Dr. Keith said that Artie could be a great father and he really believes that he could do a good job at it. Howard asked Dr. Keith what's going on between him and Artie. He said that this relationship seems to reflect every relationship that Artie has. He runs from everyone. Robin said he abuses everyone the same way but Dr. Keith said he doesn't take it that way because he's a therapist.
Dr. Keith said that he's going to ask Artie to do something but Artie was talking about how he has a bit of a crazy day today. He said he's very uptight and stressed today and thought about calling Dr. Keith yesterday but he was afraid he was going to be bugging him. He said he felt like he might be bothering him or something. Robin said that Dr. Keith has put the offer out to have him call when he needs him but Artie doesn't even try it.
Howard asked Artie if he thinks that Dr. Ablow is the wrong kind of guy for him to be seeing. Artie said that if he was going to see a guy he'd like to talk to him. The guys told Artie that he's already talking to him so he is seeing him. Artie said that it's like lifting weights with him when he talks about his past and he'd rather not deal with it. He said when he sees Dr. Keith, he feels he has to deal with it and he hates that.
Howard asked Artie if he thinks that he's worth trying to work on himself. Artie said ''probably not.'' He said that it was really draining after meeting with Dr. Keith the first time. He said he did feel better after that meeting but it was really tough.
Robin and Howard talked about how ironic it is that Artie is doing this show ''Rescue Me'' and he won't rescue himself by going to therapy. Howard asked Artie why he would go to someone like Dr. Ablow. Artie said that he'd like to be happier some day and that's why he'd go. He said his weight is a big problem right now and that's one source of his depression. He said he feels horrible and it's tough being 300 pounds. He's not used to that. Howard told him that Dr. Ablow is there to help with that stuff.
Artie talked about how he was asked if he wanted to meet Jessica Biel when he was over at Conan and he turned down the offer. He didn't want to meet with her. Dr. Ablow thinks that's another one of these shields that he puts up to keep from getting too close to someone.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked Howard how he'd feel if his shrink showed up today. Howard said that he shows up to his appointments so that wouldn't happen. Dr. Ablow is worried about Artie so he showed up this morning.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that it seems like they're being a little impatient with Artie going into therapy. Robin laughed and said that Artie is dying and he needs therapy now. Howard said that he had to go to therapy himself and it's really helped him out. He thinks that it could help Artie out as well. Howard said that he never acknowledged his feelings.
Dr. Ablow said that Artie told him that he didn't come back after the first session because it hurt so much in that first one. He said that's what he has to work through though. He said you don't leave a gym after starting to work out and have a little bit of pain.
Ralph called in and told Artie that he has to be able to find an hour a week to talk to Dr. Keith. He said that this guy is willing to do a lot and he can't imagine what he's so busy with. Artie said that he had this guy from Playboy hanging around with him for a couple of weeks and he felt obligated to spend time talking to him. Dr. Keith and the guys tried talking some sense into Artie. Artie was saying that his relationships start out really good but he eventually wants to leave the situation and that upsets everyone but him.
Artie was saying that he hates staying at places for too long and he wants to get out. He said he had to sign a contract at MAD TV for five years but after two years he was ready to leave. Howard said that he wants Artie to be happy and he'd want him to leave if it would keep him happy. Artie said that he doesn't know where he wants to go, he just doesn't want to stay places for too long.
Artie said that his father used to mess with him by pretending that he could fall off the roof of buildings when they were working together. He said he used to tell his father he was going to gall and the guy would torture him by pretending he was going to. That's the kind of stuff he had to put up with when he was a kid. Howard said that Artie has to have issues with his father and that's the kind of stuff he needs to take care of. He said that Artie's father once put him in Frankie Valli's room just so he could meet the guy. Artie was only 2 at the time.
Artie said that there were times when he and his father would go out on this golf course and his father would hit balls to him and if he made an error or looked like a pussy, his father would get pissed off at him. Howard asked Artie if he thinks that having a relationship with Dr. Ablow makes him look like a pussy. Artie said that it might do that deep down.
Dr. Ablow said that he's still there even after he turned him away. He told Artie that he'll be there for him if he needs him. He'd like an hour a week in a session with him and maybe a couple of phone calls a week. That's what he'd like to see him do to get some help. Artie talked more about his father and the stuff he did when he was dying.
Dr. Ablow wanted to know if he was fired or not. Artie said that he's not and he'd give him a call. He said he has a lot of stressful stuff going on this week. He said he has to work the show all week and he has to do ''Rescue Me'' today and Wednesday. The guys said that Artie has to have an hour available in there somewhere. Artie figured that Dr. Ablow was there to promote his book but Dr. Ablow said that's not why he was there, he didn't want a plug at all.
Howard thanked Ralph for calling in and let him go. He also thanked Dr. Ablow for coming in. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that Leslie West was going to be in shortly and he had a bunch of other stuff to get to as well. He said that Russell Simmons is coming in tomorrow. He said they had some Wack Pack Feedback about the fact that Russell called Howard the N-word. They had Crazy Alice, Daniel Carver, Wendy the Retard, Blue Iris and Beetlejuice all giving their comments on the situation. Howard said that they'll be able to talk to Russell about it tomorrow.
Howard said that Big Foot tried to commit suicide and he was arrested for taking a bunch of pills and threatened to stab himself. Howard said that the Howard 100 News department had some reports about that. Lisa G did an interview with him and maybe he'll play that today or tomorrow.
Artie was wondering what's going on with High Pitch Eric because he's supposed to be getting evicted from his apartment.
Robin checked some of them out and said they actually are very nice. They spent a minute on that and Artie interrupted with a story about this Playboy guy who was working with him. He said the guy told him a story about how he had been down in Mexico and got bitten by this insect that infected him and paralyzed the right side of his body. He had to have all kinds of medications to get over that and that led to him having liver problems so he can't drink. Artie said that he can't imagine that and it was just from some bug that bit him down in Mexico.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he bought one of those paintings from Cheeta. He said that you pick 3 colors and the chimp paints it and signs it with a finger print. The money goes toward taking care of Cheeta in his old age.
Howard said that Dan the Song Parody Man actually gave him a count but he wasn't able to find it. Gary said that he didn't see a number but he'd give him a call to figure it out.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him if he's a fan of Superman because he's Jewish. Howard said Superman isn't Jewish, the guys who created him were, but that's not the reason he's a fan. He and the caller spent a little time talking about that and how the creators may have thrown in some Jewish references into the story but they had him raised as a Methodist out in Kansas in the story.
Howard quickly mentioned that Joel Siegel died and he was kind of upset about that. He said that guy was a good guy.
Howard played another Dan the Song Parody Man song parody featuring Riley Martin. Howard said that he's been hitting home runs lately and he had to send him a note the other day. Howard had him on the phone so he asked him if he had counted the number of ''Uhh'' comments in that Riley interview. Dan said he stopped counting at 175 and didn't get a final number.
Howard said he had another song from Dan where he took Iron Sheik clips and threw them into the ''YMCA'' song. This was called ''You're Fuckin Gay'' instead. Howard asked Dan how long it took him to make that one. Dan said it took about 3 sittings of 45 minutes each to get it just right. He played another one where Dan put Riley clips to the Twilight Zone theme. Dan said that only took him about a half hour to do.
Howard let Dan go and said he wanted to get Leslie West in there. He quickly played a new song about Robin from this guy Goody Dickman who has done some classic Robin parodies. He played that song and the guy always works in the ''Chorizos'' comment in each one. He played a couple of his other song parodies as well.
Howard played some new clips of Iron Sheik going off on some other wrestlers when he was questioned about them on a talk show. He started to break down crying over some woman he brought up too so Howard told Gary to make sure he asks him about that stuff when he comes in. The guys said that they should have Sal or Richard call in as someone to get him all worked up. Fred and Artie then made up what that conversation might go like.
Howard played more clips of Sheik breaking down and crying when certain names were brought up. It didn't take him long to get over those and to start yelling. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said that he's been following what's been going on with this guy Larry David lately. He read that Larry had this guy living with him and that guy was helping to develop some property for him or something. Robin said that this other guy had moved into their barn and then Larry's wife filed for divorce and went off with that other guy. Howard said that now Larry is going to have to give up half of his Seinfeld money.
Howard said that Leslie West was there so he had the guys bring him in. Howard said he always figured Leslie would be dead by now but he's still going strong. Artie said he's his inspiration. Leslie said that he knows why Artie was on heroin because he was on the stuff for six years himself.
Artie asked Leslie about that six years and how he handled it. Leslie said that he did something smart and had all of his royalty checks sent to his grandfather who took care of that. He said that he heard that he could skin pop the stuff and he wouldn't need as much so he started doing that. He said he went to a group meeting and this guy was talking about the skin popping and how it was quicker and you didn't need as much. Artie said that skin popping is just injecting into any part of the body instead of going right into a vein.
Artie said that he was to a point where he couldn't get high so he was spending more and more money on the stuff trying to get high. He said that his dealer told him about the skin popping thing. Artie used to wait for hours for his dealer to show up so Howard pointed out that he'd do that but won't spend an hour with Dr. Ablow.
Howard said that if he was doing that stuff, he'd figure out how much he was doing a week and buy enough to last instead of buying it when he ran out. Leslie said that he had to get off the stuff because he knew he wasn't going to last if he kept going. He said that he went into this detox thing and they took him off the stuff slowly so he didn't feel the effects of the detoxing. He said you really want to get off the stuff though.
Howard asked Leslie what this story was about him doing the guitar playing on ''Who's Next.'' Leslie said that he was asked to do the album with them so that's what he did. He went into the studio and they played some demos for him and he played a little bit. He said that if you hear the remixes of the songs, you do hear him playing on them. He said that he was paid for that gig and he didn't get upset about them not crediting him.
Howard asked Leslie why the band Mountain isn't bigger than they are. Leslie said they probably sold a total of about 10 million albums over the years and that may not have been enough. Howard said that's a lot of albums though. The guys talked about some other bands that aren't in there either. Howard thinks that the Moody Blues should be in there for what they did.
Leslie said that he made it into the New York Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Howard told him that's horse shit though. He thinks that Mountain was one of the greatest bands ever. He played some of their stuff and said that this one song made him want to cry. He said they really were a killer band.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's a huge Who fan and he doesn't see Leslie's name mentioned in any of the remixes. Leslie told him that he is listed in there somewhere. He said he's seen his name in The Who's Next Remixes. He told the guy to put on one of the songs so he could play it but Howard let him go before that happened.
Howard asked Leslie about the band getting back together and ended up talking to him about his cancer. Leslie had cancer in his bladder and he claims it was from smoking. He said he found it by accident too. He said that he had some prostate stones removed and they had to stick a scope up his penis. He said that the doctor noticed something when he was in there and found cancer in there and told his girlfriend it didn't look good. Leslie said he didn't know what that meant so the doctor told him he had to go in and cut it out. He said they went in through his dick but he was out while they did it so he didn't know.
Howard said his balls ached just hearing that story. Leslie continued and said that he was able to remove all of the cancer and later found out that it's been gone for a while now. He's in remission at this point. Leslie said he quit smoking after all of that went down. The doctor told him that it could have been caused by smoking so he quit. He said that he never really smoked more than a pack a day either.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that one of the first concerts he saw was The Vagrants who opened up for The Doors a long time ago. Leslie was in The Vagrants at the time. That led to Leslie telling a story about how he got chased by the cops one time when he told them to shut the fuck up while he was on stage. At the time they could get in trouble for saying that on stage.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Leslie reduced a sound man to tears one night when he was doing a show because he yelled at the guy over the quality of the sound. Leslie said that's possible and he could have done that.
Leslie showed Howard this guitar that he has out now from Dean guitars. It's a Leslie West signature series and he was giving Howard number 29 (of 100). Howard said he'd play it too. He strapped it on and started strumming some stuff. Leslie told him he should hang it on the wall or something.
Howard played a track off the new Mountain album ''Masters of War'' and Ozzy sings on the song. Howard said the song sounds very contemporary as well and he wouldn't be surprised if a band like Pearl Jam put out a song like that. Howard gave Leslie a plug for MountainTheBand.com and for an appearance he's making at J&R Music World today.
Artie asked how much Leslie would charge him for guitar lessons. Leslie said it's more than he's making there. Howard played the Beetlejuice song that Leslie played on after that. Howard had to go to break after that but Leslie did his impression of Crazy Alice real quick before they broke.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has some great ideas for when the Iron Sheik comes in. He told Howard to wear a Yarmulke and someone should dress up with a turban and goofy shoes. Howard said that might be a good idea for Artie. They could have Artie dressed up as Sheik's long lost son. Artie did his impression of Sheik and talked about some stuff he can bring up when Sheik comes in.
Howard played a bunch of the song parodies that Dan the Song Parody man created using those Iron Sheik clips. He had Steve Langford in for his Howard 100 News update. Steve said that they'll have an update on Big Foot's suicide attempt today. Howard gave Steve some applause for the work they've been doing there at Howard 100 News. Steve mentioned they also have a story about going to High Pitch Eric's apartment to find out if he was still there. High Pitch wouldn't let him in though.
Howard said that he had some audio of him trying to get into Eric's apartment. High Pitch wasn't letting him in and told Steve he wasn't going to open the door. He said he was busy. Howard said Steve eventually convinced him to open the door but Eric wouldn't let him into the apartment. The rumor is that the neighbors are complaining about the smell but Eric claimed that he was cleaning it up. Steve said the hallway smelled really bad. Steve said there was actually a sign in the hall from the neighbors who want him to move because they don't want pigs like him living there.
Steve asked Eric what he thinks about the people complaining about him. Eric said ''fuck them... fuck them.'' Steve said Eric has gone to bankruptcy court and he seems to think that he's going to be able to stay there. Steve said he was told that there are dog and cat droppings on the floor there.
Irish John called in and said that Eric called him and said that Steve was there for 3 hours keeping him trapped there. Steve said that wasn't true, he was in and out of there in no time. Ralph was up to the apartment one time so he called in and told Howard how disgusting it was over there. He said that there was dirt and gunk on the floor all built up and it made him gag.
Howard had a clip from Howard 100 News about the Big Foot suicide attempt. Lisa G called Big Foot and asked him what went on with that. He got out of the hospital and he's working on finding a place to live. He said that no one would help him so that's why he tried to kill himself. Big Foot said that he fired his manager after he tried charging him for some stuff that he didn't think he should be charging him for. Lisa told Big Foot that the fans love him but he said he's found the opposite up there where he lives. He has a new manager now and he's looking for a new place to live.
Steve said that Jason and Will have a new Page 69 story about Gary trying to catch a snooze before going to a dinner party and getting caught by Mel Karmazin who was walking around. Gary said that he was humiliated when that happened because Mel was giving a tour. Gary said he apologized to Mel about the whole thing and Mel was very cool about it. He said he knows that they work late over there so he didn't have a problem with it. Gary said that Mel was giving him a tour of the place with this guy who has no idea who he is and they find him sleeping. Howard found it pretty funny though. He said Gary can't catch a break. Gary said that Tim was all freaked out by the whole thing and thought he was going to get fired himself. Gary said he was going to take care of it though and tried to calm him down.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He mentioned that they'll be talking about Dr. Keith Ablow's surprise visit to the show this morning. They'll also talk about Leslie West's visit. They're also going to talk about Artie's date. That led to the guys talking to Artie more about this chick that Artie dated and how he met her. He said he met her when he was out with some friends one night.
Ralph called in and said that he was watching some porn one day when they were still doing the Friday Show. He said he was watching the John the Stutterer porn and Mel was giving a tour with about 6 other people. He said Mel just turned around and walked out to show the people something else. Gary said Jason just told him he had a bunch of pictures from the ''Guess what's in Sal's pouch'' up on his computer screen the other day and Mel walked in doing another tour and saw that on his screen. Howard said that Mel runs the company and the last thing he wants to see is Gary sleeping on the couch. He did his impression of Gary and goofed on him about that for a short time. Fred played a bunch of Baba Booey clips and stuff while that was going on.
Howard said that Letterman actually mentioned Baba Booey in one of his bits the other day. He played the clip but said he really didn't get it. He said it was kind of funny that they mentioned him in the clip. The audio clip they played was supposed to be Ronald Reagan's audio diary and he talks about how he was doing a lesbian dating game with his sidekicks Robin and Baba Booey but no one in the studio understood the bit.
Howard said he had a bunch of new Baba Booey clips but wasn't able to find them. Gary told him where they were so he eventually found them and played them. One of them was a parody of a System of a Down song that Howard seemed to really like. He said that one was from Steve Smith so he thanked him for that and had Robin start her news.
Howard took a call a short time later and the caller told him that the Letterman bit they played was supposed to be Ronald Reagan doing a radio address so that's how they tied in the Baba Booey reference. The caller also suggested that they have Eric the Midget interview the Iron Sheik. Howard said that Eric isn't calling the show anymore, otherwise he'd have him call in and interview him. Robin doesn't seem to think that Eric will be able to stay away from the show forever though. Howard didn't seem so sure about that.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he loved the Roast week they did recently but he's surprised that Sal and Richard haven't taken the clips of Ronnie and made prank calls with them. Howard said that JD called Ronnie the other day and Ronnie was out at a dog park with his dog. He tried goofing on Ronnie but Ronnie didn't seem to be falling for it. JD sounded very proud of himself after getting Ronnie to hang up on him time after time though.
Bong Hit Eric called in and told Howard that he thinks Beth gets better and better looking on TV but he thinks that Howard gets uglier. He goofed on him saying that he thinks that he looks like the Dodo bird in those old Bugs Bunny cartoons. Howard said he's just happy to be alive at this point. He said that based on his look he should really be dating Janet Reno. That got Eric laughing a bit. Robin said that it's also hard to look good next to Beth too. She also said that she can see where Howard is coming from when he says that he doesn't want to have kids. She spent the weekend around a 3 year old and it was very tiring. She said the kid never stops running around.
Robin said she was showing the kid pictures of her cats and had to hide her camera eventually because the kid wanted her to keep telling the same stories over and over again. Howard said that stuff is for the young people to do. Artie said he keeps the kids away from him by teaching them words like ''cunt'' and things like that.
Robin got back to her news and read some stories including one about Tammy Faye Messner's death. Howard said she seemed like a nice enough woman but he's really against those televangelist shysters out there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw Robin out with a man a few weeks ago. Robin said that's not true. The caller said he saw her on her boat with a guy so Robin said that was Captain Dennis and she's not seeing him, he's got a girlfriend.
Artie said that he was looking through the porn that Gary gave him and he's trying to decide between ''Cock Stories'' or ''8 Simple Ways to Bang My Teenage Daughter.'' Howard said he'll give him that porn he was talking about first thing this morning once he's done with it.
Robin mentioned that the new Simpsons movie was coming out this week. Howard said that Richard and Jason have already purchased tickets to go see the movie and they're already planning out the kind of food they're going to bring so they won't have to get out of their seats during the movie. Howard seemed to think that was kind of gay, but not in the homosexual sense, just gay.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show at around 11:10am. Artie got in a quick plug for this week's ''Rescue Me'' because this is the first episode of this season that he's appearing in. He said he's only in one scene but it whets the appetite. The show airs on FX on Wednesday nights.
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Howard started the show doing his Darth Nihilus impression. He said that Sal and Richard called that chess TV show again and Sal was busting the host's balls. He played the clip where the female host asks for some real chess players to call in and play along with them. Sal then gets confused by her Asian accent and thinks she's calling him a lady. He says that she's bothering him by talking and tells her to be patient. She asks him to be faster so he tells her to shut the fuck up and let him make his move ''you fuckin bitch.'' She takes the next call, Richard, and lets him make his move. He tells her to move a certain piece and move it but when they do, he tells them to take it back. He yells at them not to move those pieces by going ''Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!'' over and over again.
Howard said he'd give up on that format for that show because it's not working. Artie said he'd take that show and put it up against Carson Daly and see how it does. Howard said that now that Imus is gone from his station in New York City, their ratings are down but it's only down by a couple of points which isn't all that much, just all of Imus' audience.
Howard brought up this guy Sumner Redstone who used to run Viacom. He said the guy basically set up his kids for life but now he and the son are estranged already. Now his daughter is giving him a problem and fighting with him. Howard said he needs Robin to give him the specifics even though he already read the story. He said that this is the wrong time to be fighting with your father, the guy is in his 80s and could die at any moment. He said that he could write them out of his will.
Howard figured the kids must not know how hard it is to actually make money. He said even his kids don't think about how hard it is to make money like that because they think that they don't really need all that much to live. He said that Redstone's daughter must be the same way.
Howard said that Donald Trump's kid seems to get it and he's doing the right thing by working for his father and just going along with everything. Howard read through some of the story about Sumner and his daughter. He said the story doesn't say why they're estranged but he thinks it had something to do with the amusement parks she runs for his company.
Howard thinks that it's a slap in the face for people who have to work hard when they do stuff like that. Howard changed subjects again and said that Mel Karmazin made an announcement about the pricing for the new company once this merger between XM and SIRIUS goes through. He said that he's working really hard to make this happen too and he doesn't get why they don't just approve it. Robin said she was talking to a guy who said that he can't believe that this merger is being held up while all of the oil companies and other companies just go through with their mergers.
Howard said that there's a story about how the life expectancy of an 80 year old is about 8 years so Sumner Redstone's kids probably don't have a long time to wait for him to pass away. Gary came in and said that Sumner has said some really nasty stuff about his kids over the years. He brought in some quotes from the guy where he has said that his kids have added nothing to the companies they work for and stuff like that. Gary said he's basically said that his kids are nothing without him.
Howard said that it shows what Mel Karmazin had to go through when he was working with Sumner. That's probably why he had to get out of there.
Howard said he's fantasized about being a game show host for a long time. He said he was watching Jimmy Kimmel hosting a new game show and he thought he was really good at what he was doing. He said that Jimmy was very good at just staying calm and not screaming like some hosts do. He said you can't inject too much of your own personality into a game show and Jimmy did it very well. He said he sent him a note letting him know that.
Howard said he was always a big fan of all of these guys who did game shows when he was growing up. He said it's got to be a great gig because they get paid well and they have great schedules. Howard and Artie figured that Drew is going to be getting paid very well for that.
Howard said Drew probably never fantasized about becoming a game show host but Robin thinks that he probably has. Howard said that he's stepping into an unusual thing. The show has been on forever and it's so well known. He said it's the longest running game show. It started in 1956 but Bob Barker wasn't the host right from the start.
Howard said that Drew has to be under a lot of pressure to keep the show running. Howard said that it has to be the hardest show to do because of all of the different games. He said that Howie Mandel's gig is really cush. He doesn't have to remember nearly as much as Drew is going to.
Howard played the next guy who had a speech impediment that was so great that Artie was laughing his ass off. That guy said that he had gotten Susan Anton's autograph there and that made Artie laugh even more. He wondered what happened to her to be signing autographs at a Star Trek convention.
Artie said he wants to get that guy to sit in on the news every day. Richard said he does have that guy's information so they could get him. Richard asked him to say some stuff with the letter S in it. He tried to say the line but could barely speak with the lisp he had.
Richard said he was dressed up for the convention but the Howard TV guys told him he couldn't dress up like Data for legal reasons. Howard said that's bullshit, he could have dressed up like that if he wanted to. Richard talked to the guy about who he's met on the Stern Show and the guy said he'd met a lot of the guys including ''Baba Bowie'' instead of Baba Booey. He said that highlights from that show will be on Howard TV tomorrow night.
Howard played another interview Richard did where the guy spoke in a very nerdy way. Robin said ''Oh my god!'' when she heard that and said that it sounds like Richard went to a hospital to do these interviews. That guy was into Data as well and also told Richard about some of the other characters that he liked. Richard had him saying the word ''Engage'' over and over again and pretended he didn't understand what he was talking about. Richard had him repeat that line about 15 times. He then said goodbye to him and had him saying that a bunch of times as well.
Richard said he gets along with those people because he's been going to conventions for many years. He said that he goes to horror movie conventions so he gets that kind of love for characters. Richard went to George Takei's appearance there so Howard played some audio where George introduced Richard and had him come up on stage. Howard heard that George gets up there and just talks on and on and the audience loves it. Richard said the audience was ''encapsulated'' the whole time. He meant to say ''captivated'' so the guys goofed on him about that.
Howard said that Letterman gets people from Harvard and Yale to write for him while he has Richard who says ''encapsulated.'' He played some of the audio from Richard getting up on stage and talking about how great he is on the show. George and Richard talked about some of the stuff they have done on the Stern Show and mixing it up with one another. George even made reference to seeing Richard's penis.
Howard played a clip from this movie that Sal gave him called ''Daddy's Worst Nightmare'' which features black guys with huge cocks banging white chicks. Howard said that Sal is into that kind of stuff. Artie said Sal is probably shoving stuff up his ass when he watches that stuff.
Richard asked Howard if he's ever thought about digitizing his porn collection. Howard said he doesn't keep his stuff, he just gets rid of it. Richard said that if he wants to watch it again he won't have it. Howard doesn't care, once he's watched it, he's done with it. Richard said his favorite movie of all time is a scene where Peter North and Nikita Denise are doing a scene. He said he loves when the guy covers her face with his load.
Howard said he doesn't like seeing loads but Richard said he likes to slow-mo those scenes. He said he jerks off to stuff like that. Something about that turns him on. Robin said ''Yeah, you're gay...''
Howard said that these two companies are struggling to stay alive and they're competing against all of these other technologies but the government is holding up the merger. He said it's ridiculous. The caller said the plan for the pricing packages are great and you can start out as low as $6.99 a month for 50 channels and it goes up at $.25 per channel if you want to add on. Then you can get everything for $16.95. Howard thought they were going to offer channels for 25 cents so he could get a subscription for 75 cents but the guys corrected him and said that the minimum would be $6.99 a month. Howard said that's still a great deal.
The caller said he had an idea to pitch to Gary but he wanted to do it off the air. He said it was a gift idea but didn't want to give it out on the air. He said that it was actually a chess set made out of crystal and it would have Howard and Beth as the king and queen. Howard said that he's not looking for anything like that and that's the kind of crap the fans send to him. Howard said that if anyone there bought him something like that, he'd fire him.
The guys talked about the catholic channel there at SIRIUS and how cool they seem to be. Howard said they've invited him to do their shows and they're always just hanging out and having a good time there. Richard said that there were some Priests sitting out in the lobby the day the Playboy chicks were there and they were just hanging out there. Howard talked about the nuns he's seen walking around with the giant habits and stuff like that.
Howard said he'd like to have a nun beauty pageant. He wondered if nuns can jerk off so Robin and Richard said they can't do that, it's a sin. That led to Richard talking about how he had stopped whacking off for about a year one time because he thought that it was effecting his personality. He said that he'd be afraid to talk to people after doing it so he stopped for a while.
The Star Trek guy mentioned Air Supply so Howard played an Air Supply info-mercial that the band had done. That was kind of strange. They had one woman sitting there with them who said she couldn't believe she was sitting there with the band. Gary said that he once spent an entire evening with the big, dumb blond one from the band. He said that the guy was really nice but he never really says anything. He said he's almost like a cave man.
The guys were talking about how well that kind of music sells and how the number one station in New York right now is a station that plays that kind of stuff, Lite FM. Howard had Artie singing an Anne Murray song that he's sung on the show before. Artie got into it and Howard said he thinks Artie is a good singer.
Howard said that a guy sent them a picture of him with a Hitler Moustache and he thought it was really cool. Richard said that was Dr. Ivan who sent that in. He told the guys to make sure that gets put up on the web site.
Howard played Artie's last version of Anne Murray's song that they actually put to music. Howard also threw in more of that Air Supply commercial and goofed on that a little bit. Artie said that they say that a lot of dentists buy that kind of music in bulk. Howard said that he gave his dentist a SIRIUS satellite radio and they love listening to the soft rock on there. They don't have to buy a service that plays that kind of stuff now.
Howard and the guys started doing their own info-mercial about the Stern show and threw in some bits that they couldn't forget. They rehearsed and said the lines at the same time to make it sound like one of those dopey info-mercials. Howard was playing some bits and songs while they were doing that but then he lost the page he was using for audio clips. Gary fixed it for him so he, Artie and Robin all introduced bit after bit just like the Air Supply guys were doing.
A caller asked Howard if he's ever thought of releasing some of those bits on CD. Howard said that he did put out the Crucified by the FCC thing years ago but now they just put out the old stuff on SIRIUS. He said he'd rather just have all of the benefits of that stuff on SIRIUS instead of trying to sell the fans more stuff. He had to go to break a short time later.
Robin said that they were talking about a guy yesterday who had 211 porn movies and he was creepy. Richard said he has a lot more than that. He said he's a big fan of Kelly Monaco's so if he wants to look at her, he has to be able to pull that stuff up quick. Robin asked him if his girlfriend watches stuff with him. He said she's not into that so it's all his.
Richard said he didn't get laid from 1993 to 2003 so he was into the porn. That was in his prime too. He was in a hit band and touring all over the world in those years. Howard got back to his commercial and finished that up so he could come back from break.
After the break Howard wondered if Richard would get rid of that porn collection if his girlfriend asked him to. Richard said he doesn't think she'd do that. He said he might put it into storage. He said he's been saving that stuff for years but he'd probably give it up. He said that she's not like that though so that's why she's so awesome. Richard said that he'd be more discrete about it if he had kids around.
Richard said that his father never really had any porn that he knew about so he'd have to beat off to hunting and fishing magazines.
Richard told Howard that he found a new porn clip where this guy sounds like a motorcycle when he's having an orgasm. Howard played the clip where the guy did sound like he was revving up like a motorcycle. Artie said it was more like a race car.
Lisa also said that Artie is on the cover of Time Out magazine because of his appearance on ''Rescue Me.'' Artie also claims that he gets his therapy on this show so he doesn't need it away from there. That led to the guys talking about yesterday's show when Dr. Ablow made a surprise appearance on the show. Some fans think that he screwed Artie over by doing that to him on the air. Artie said he spoke to him after the show yesterday and they have a meeting this Friday.
Howard said that High Pitch Mike is there with some pictures from his trip to Disney where he's on rides all by himself. He was willing to show them but he wants Artie to get weighed. Mike came in and said that they take pictures of him after scanning tickets so he didn't even know that they had been taken until he got this note.
Artie was going to pass on weighing himself telling Mike that he didn't care to see his pictures because they'd probably be disappointed. He said that the pictures won't be that good. Mike said he'd show them to Howard to figure out if they were worth it. Howard took a look and said that Artie would like this one. It was Mike in a ride with another family. Howard said one of them was really sad because he was standing there all alone in front of the castle.
Artie said that what he has in his imagination is way better than the real thing. Howard said he would never let his family ride with High Pitch Mike. Mike changed subjects and asked what was up with Dr. Ablow yesterday. He said that Artie should be jogging over to Dr. Ablow's office because he's so fat. He's got something for Artie lately. Artie said that he won't get on the scale because it's too depressing.
Gary said that Mike had to stand on a special ''singles'' line at Disney World when he was down there. Howard said they must have had to have asked him ''Sir, would you mind standing on the 'I don't have any friends in life' line?'' or ''Sir, do you mind getting in the 'potential serial killer line'?''
Lisa G took a look at the pictures but she had already seen them. Artie said that Lisa made these really good peanut butter and jelly squares that he loved. He ate like 5 of them. Howard and Robin asked why she's enabling him like that. She said she brought them in for everyone else and can't help it if he takes them all.
Mike told Howard that there was a great show on TLC last night about these obese people who have to go to this hospital. He said that they have these 400 pound people on the show who are trying to get help. Artie told Mike that maybe he'd go by himself to that clinic.
Mike told Artie to do it for the people on the plane he has to sit next to. Artie said he doesn't care about those people. He refused to get on the scale for him though. He said it's really just too depressing. He said he doesn't care about Mike's pictures
Howard let Mike go so Lisa got back to her news. She said that Joey Boots was on Out Q the other day and they offered to do a Dial-A-Date with him but Joey said the Stern Show has already done that. Joey is still going after this kid Kevin who works there and it's borderline harassment according to Gary. Lisa said that Joey is also still going after Gregg Karmel and he's been jerking off to him. Gary brought in some stuff that Joey has been sending to this intern Kevin. Howard told Joey he might want to calm down with that stuff. Joey does work there on the Superfan Roundtable so he has to see this kid Kevin there every week.
Howard said that Russell Simmons was coming in next. He had a bunch of other stuff to get to as well. He said that he had some audio of Riley Martin breaking into song when the Howard TV guys went over to his house to film his special. Riley performed ''The Dock of the Bay'' while someone played guitar for him. Riley really got into it a bit at a couple of points. Howard said that guy is having too much fun.
Howard mentioned that they have Scott Baio coming in later on in the show. Artie said he's been watching his reality show ''Scott Baio is 45 And Single'' and he likes it. He said he can kind of relate to the guy. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard played a clip of Russell Simmons calling him the N-word on the Jay Thomas show. Howard said Russell was there today. He came in a few seconds later and complained about the headphones that he was made to wear. Russell said that he saw Howard's girl out the other night and his daughter is in love with her. Howard said he heard about that. They were out at Jill Rappaport's house and met there. Russell said that Beth is quite inspiring.
Howard asked Russell about all of the young chicks he's had in his life. Russell said that he was single for a couple of years but he's settled down again. Howard interrupted and gave some of Russell's history. He started Def Jam records and also Phat Farm clothing. He sold off all of that stuff and made a ton of money. Then he started the Def Jam comedy thing that launched a lot of careers. He figured he was worth hundreds of millions but Russell said he doesn't count his paper like that.
Howard said that Russell's wife got in on the Phat Farm stuff and that's how she was able to get the kind of money she's getting from him. Russell said that he was with her for 15 years and they're still best friends after all of that. He said that you don't fuck your best friend so that's why they're not together anymore. They still get along and work together so they didn't need to split up the money.
Howard read some notes about Russell and said that he was a drug dealer when he was a kid. He read that he had to shoot someone but Russell said that wasn't true. He didn't shoot someone, he shot ''at'' someone. He wanted to talk to Howard about this N-word thing and the reason he was there. He said that he was doing some shows there at SIRIUS and he was calling Howard names on a bunch of shows there while he was doing the interviews. He said that on each show his language was different. He said that he used the N-word on the ''Jay Stevens'' show. The guys had to correct him because his name is Jay Thomas. Russell tried to explain the N-Word thing and how he backs up these people who want to ban the N-word but he felt it was the right thing to use on the Jay Thomas show.
Howard said that Russell is sending out mixed messages with that whole thing. He wondered why he'd use the N-word even jokingly if he has bleeped the word on his company's albums. Russell said that words have different meanings and on Howard's show they curse so he figured using the N-word, which is a curse, would be okay. He said he'd rather not have his kids hear words like that on the street so that's why he'd be okay with them trying to ban the word.
Russell said he thinks that the word should be bleeped out on albums but Robin said she doesn't understand why he uses the word then. Howard said that Paul Mooney has stopped using it during his act, or tried to anyway. Russell kept saying that it was something that he thought would be okay.
Howard played the Wack Pack Feedback bit that the guys created after calling people like Crazy Alice, Daniel Carver, Wendy the Retard, Blue Iris and Beetlejuice all commenting on Russell calling Howard the N-word. Russell thought that Daniel Carver was a joke but Howard told him that the guy is serious.
Russell asked Howard where he finds those people and if he's inspired by them. Russell said he just wanted to move on. He doesn't think that people are ready for Howard to use that word. Howard said he doesn't use it, he doesn't like the word. Howard asked if it's okay for any white man to use that word. Russell said that America has a lot of work to do.
Howard asked Russell what he thinks is going to be the next big trend. Russell said that he likes things that come from the heart and it's not something that's just popular. He said that's where the Def Poetry Jam came from. Howard said that his kids love that.
Howard asked Russell if he has an iPhone. Russell said that he does and he always has new shit. He said it's more of a toy right now because he relies on his Blackberry for his business. He said that he's been doing some work for Jay-Z lately and finding some talent for him. Howard asked him why he passed on Madonna. He said that she actually fired him, he didn't pass on her. He then went on to manage the Beastie Boys. He said he wishes that he had signed Madonna to Def Jam back when she was starting out.
Howard said he had Russell on the show because he does like him. He didn't want to give him the vibe that he didn't like him. Robin said that he did give him the cold shoulder at a party one time though. Howard said that he went over and shook his hand and he gave him the cold shoulder. Russell said that Howard is out there hob knobbing with people that Robin doesn't even know about.
Howard asked Russell if he's been banging any famous chicks since he split with his wife. Russell said that he won't talk about that stuff with him. He said he's got a girlfriend now and she used to model. Howard read that he would never get married again but Russell said he didn't say that. He said you just say things when you're out and they take it seriously.
Howard asked Russell about his kids and if he gives them money. He said that he doesn't have to, they don't even ask for anything. He's got a 7 year old and a 4 year old.
Howard had Crazy Alice on the phone so he was going to let her yell at Russell. He gave him a plug for his book ''Do You!: 12 Laws to Access the Power in You to Achieve Happiness and Success'' first. They spent a minute talking about the book but Alice (audio clips) started going off on him calling him names. Howard let the guys play with those clips for a short time but Russell asked him to hang up on her so he did.
Howard read that Russell's wife once bought a $150,000 hand bag and that must have driven him nuts. Russell didn't seem to know what he was talking about. Russell said that she earned whatever she paid for that bag so that's up to her. Russell said he invited Howard to an event out at his Hampton's house and hoped that he cold make it. Howard said he can't make it, he invited him 2 days before it was coming up.
Howard took a couple of phone calls. One guy said that Russell was being a hypocrite. Irish John asked him what he thought about this Michael Vick thing that's going on. Russell said that he's almost a blessing because he put dog fighting on the front pages of the papers. Russell said that can bring that kind of thing to the people and let them know that they shouldn't do stuff like that. Howard cut him off and went to Blue Iris (audio clips) on the phone and she was telling Russell she loves black cock. Howard asked Russell if he's got more than 7 inches down there. He said he can't talk about that stuff. Blue Iris said that she wanted to tickle his prostate and stuff like that. Russell asked Howard to turn off her microphone. Howard let the guys keep going though. The guys showed a picture of her to him and he told Howard to please turn it off.
Howard gave Russell another plug for his book and took some more phone calls. One guy asked Howard to shut Robin up for a short time so they could hear what this guy has to say. The guy also asked if Artie was sleeping. Howard said that he was. The guys called in with clips of Wood Yi and had him asking Russell if he could suck his cock and stuff like that. Russell wasn't answering his questions though.
Another caller asked Russell if he's going to stop using the N-word now. Russell said that he's careful about the use of his words and he doesn't curse all the time. Howard asked him to leave them with a few thoughts. Russell went on to say that his book is all about giving and talked a little bit about that.
Howard said that they had Leon Spinks on the phone to say hello. It was the guys calling in with audio clips again. They had Spinks rambling unintelligibly a bit. Russell said that wasn't really Leon Spinks but Howard told him it really was. Russell said that must be what boxing does. Russell didn't know what to say to him. Robin broke the news to Russell that they had been playing tapes of people for him. Russell said he's glad because he doesn't know the show all that well. Howard told Russell that Robin was actually a hologram. Russell said that he thought those people were actors but Howard told him they were the real people, they were just on tape.
Howard had Gilbert Gottfried on the phone, more audio clips, so he let the guys play with those for a few seconds. Russell insisted that it wasn't really Gilbert though. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and went to break.
Howard told Sal to just follow the rules. Sal said he will do whatever Howard tells him, he always does. Sal said he was just trying to make Russell feel more comfortable by telling him that they were the ''white devils'' that played those audio clips during the interview. Howard told him to just stop it, today. Sal had a theory on how it makes black people feel better when they can call white people names like White Cracker or White Devil. Sal was having trouble coming up with the term he was using to describe what he was doing by telling Russell those things. Howard told him to just go back to his office and leave the guests alone. He said it doesn't matter who it is, he is to stay away from the guests.
Richard asked where Ronnie was and why he wasn't keeping Sal away from the guy. Howard said that's a good question. Ronnie came in and said that Sal was told a long time ago to stay away from the guests. He should have known better. Ronnie said he was told at K-Rock to stay away from the guests. Howard told Ronnie to keep him away but then told Sal to just stay away from the guests. He said now Russell is probably thinking about this ''cracker'' who had just bothered him as he was leaving.
Howard yelled at Sal to stay away from the guests but Sal was still trying to justify what he had done instead of just getting out of there. Howard told Sal he needs an emotional friend after spending a few minutes talking to him. Sal apologized but said that when he bothers guests like Jon Stewart, it's different because the guy has no clout. Howard said that's not right either.
Howard told Sal that he shits on him when he does stuff like this. He said he doesn't respect him when he pulls stuff like this. He said that Scott DePace doesn't like Michael Moore but he didn't bother him when he was leaving. Howard said that there are some people who can interact with the guests and some can't. Richard kept throwing stuff out there about what Sal was talking about with Simmons and it pissed Howard off more and more.
Gary said that Sal used to go up to porn stars and tell them his favorite scenes. Sal said that's not true and he has no proof. Gary said that he has proof but Sal said if he doesn't, he should have to kiss his balls. Howard said that's some punishment, some dude is going to kiss his balls.
Sal asked Howard if he has audio of ''Godzilla Goes to Harlem'' because he hadn't played it in about 8 years. Howard told him he just wanted to move on and get on with the show. He had Scott Baio waiting to come in. Howard got rid of Sal but Artie and Fred continued to talk about how screwed up Sal's logic can be sometimes. Howard wrapped up his commercial break and came back a short time later.
Howard said that he wanted to shake his hand and wanted to smell it after that. He told Scott that people talk about Scott like they do about Warren Beatty. Howard said that Scott was able to fly under the radar though. Howard said that he heard that he got Pam Anderson as she was getting off the bus from wherever she came from. Scott said that she was natural back then and didn't have any implants or anything. He met her at the Playboy mansion and her issue hadn't even come out yet. She was on the cover of the magazine and he just happened to meet her there.
Scott said he had walked up to the bar with his friend Steve and they saw these chicks coming in and one of the girls that walked in saw him and said that she had a dream about him. He said that was the perfect opening for someone like that.
Howard asked Scott when he first started getting laid. Scott said he was 16 but it wasn't in high school because he wasn't going to school, he was doing Happy Days at the time. Howard figured that Scott had been with thousands of women but Scott said it might be closer to one (thousand). Howard said that they're some of the most beautiful women in the world too. Gary said that even if Scott was with 100 women a year, that would bring him up to around 3000 women. Scott said he had long term relationships in those years so it probably wasn't that many.
Scott said that this has just been his life and he would have sex with fat chicks too. He said that it was all fun stuff and some of the ugly chicks were very appreciative. He said that some of the ugly chicks would suck him like they had a gun to their head.
Scott said that he did a count of the number of playmates he's been with and it was up there at about 23 or so. He said he actually got banned from the Playboy mansion after he had been with every Playmate from that one year, which was 88 or 89 according to Scott. He said he got a call from someone at the mansion and was asked to slow down a little bit. They told him he had gone too far and he'd been with some of Mr. Hefner's girls. He may have been interfering with some of those relationships.
Howard asked Scott if he had women who had heard about him and wanted to be with him just because of that. Scott told a story about going to a Playboy party and one of the butlers walked up to him and said he never really ''got'' him. The guy said he didn't know how he got so many women. He then said he gets it now and told him that he heard two women discussing him. He said that one of the girls told the other that he had to be with Scott because he can make her come a lot. Scott said that his thing is to please the women so that's the reputation he had.
Howard said that the reason he makes women come a lot is because he's a good looking guy and he's wealthy so that gets them juiced up a bit. Scott said he's good at oral so that's part of it too. He said that he really loves and enjoys doing that stuff so that's why he can get into it that much. Howard said that being with a Pam Anderson must be tough because she's so hot. Scott said that he can go forever with someone he's really into but if he's not, he's done in a second. He said he can really concentrate on a chick if he's into her.
Howard told Scott that he should write a book about this. Scott said he had an offer but there were some issues and it turned into a mess. Artie told Scott that he really likes his reality show ''Scott Baio is 45 and Single'' so he got into that a little bit. He said that he heard a story that Scott told about banging Erin Moran when they were working together on Happy Days. He talked about how he was actually banging the couch instead of Erin at the time.
Scott said that he learned early that he shouldn't shit where he eats. He said it got very awkward being with Erin when they were working together. He said that the relationship dissolved into nothingness and hatred. He said that making out with her was really tough after they broke up. He hated her by that point and she hated him so it was hard to work together.
Howard asked Scott how he handles a woman who has vaginosis, a smell down there. Scott said that he has told women that they stink down there. He said he got rude after a while and he'd just stick his hand down there and he'd get it up near their nose and if they flinched, he'd say ''Well, it ain't me.'' He said that he'd do other things if they were smelly down there.
Howard asked Scott if he was ever turned down. He said ''of course'' and said that Playmates would turn him down and things like that. He said that Jenny McCarthy once pulled some shit with him one time even though he hadn't been with her. He said he met her at a club called Bar 1 and said hello to her. He was pretty sure she was married at the time. He said she told him that she was a big fan and then he saw her out again another time. She had separated from her husband then so he asked her out. They were going to go out a few days later but she never called him back. He said the next thing he knew, she was on a radio show... probably Howard's, that he was stalking her and she couldn't get away from him. He said he didn't know what she was talking about though.
Scott said that Jenny was out at a restaurant one night so he went in and told her to never talk about him like that again because she doesn't know him. He said he never does anything like that. He said that it's all old shit and he'd like to talk to her and put it all behind them.
Howard asked Scott how long it took to get in Pam Anderson's pants. Scott said if he likes a chick, he'll wait a month or so. He said that he figured that every guy was looking to be with her so he figured that holding out a while might be the best thing to do. He said that he waited a month and a half to be with Nicolette Sherridan and she wondered why he was waiting so long when he finally asked to kiss her.
Howard said that Scott had Heather Locklear in her prime too. Scott said that she's a great chick and what you see is what you get. He said that she was his first real love of his life. He was 21 years old at the time and thought about marrying her but she turned him down. He said she was smart for doing that. Howard asked Scott about all of the different types of chicks that he's had. He named just about every race.
Howard asked Scott if he ever had sex with Tori Spelling. He said he knows her but that's never happened. Howard asked him if he's ever had a woman offer to pay him to have sex. He thought about it and said they wouldn't have to pay him.
Artie brought up this guy Johnny V who is one of Scott's best friends. He gets laid thanks to Scott and without him he can't get laid. Scott said he once heard Johnny tell a girl that if she wanted Scott, she had to go through him.
Gary said he got a call from Scott years ago after Erin Moran was on the show and yelled at him for letting her say something about him having a small penis. Howard gave Scott a plug for his TV show after that and Artie said that he really can't wait for the next episode which is very weird with him and reality shows.
Howard asked Scott what he's worth. Scott didn't say exactly what he's worth but he is a millionaire. He said he didn't stop working from the age of 14 or so. He's directed shows and things like that over the years as well.
Howard gave Scott an F, Marry Kill for Pam Anderson, Erica Elaniak and Nicole Eggert. Scott said that he would kill Erica, only because he'd have to, he'd marry Nicole and F Pam. Howard asked him if she's great in bed. Scott said that it was great because he loved her. He said that he's not into crazy stuff either. He said he just likes to make love. He said that she is good in bed. Howard asked him who was the best. He said that Heather Locklear was the best. He said that she's so adorable that you want to bite her nose off or rip her head off.
Howard threw names out to Scott and he'd give ratings for how good a lover they were. Denise Richards was a 3 according to Scott. He said that things weren't great for him. Brooke Shields he never slept with or even fooled around with. Beverly D'Angelo was a 10 according to Scott. He said that she's a great broad. He said that she was able to shut him down with one sentence. He said he was at Liza Minelli's house and he saw Beverly there. He liked her overbite and thought it was very sexy. He said that she told him that she didn't have an overbite, she had a cocksucker's mouth. Scott said he turned and walked away after that.
Howard read that Scott had been with Liza Minelli. He said that he was with her because of who she was. He said that she was about a 7 on a scale of 10 as far as being a lover. He said that she was about 49 when he did her and it was very unique. He said they were together two times and she was a dancer so she had a good body at the time. Scott said she's a fun chick and she was into it at the time. Howard wondered how he broke it off and didn't make her hate him. He said that he just told her that he'd probably slowly pull away and he wanted to let her know before that happened.
Scott said that almost all of the chicks left him because they wanted him to commit and he wouldn't do that. Howard asked him about Melissa Gilbert. Scott gave her a 10. He said that she was a great girl and he just spoke to her before he came to New York. Howard said that on one of the shows Julie McCullough claimed she had her first AIDS test because she was so afraid of all of the people Scott had been with.
Howard asked him why he turned down the movie ''Top Gun.'' Scott said he was just joking when he said that in an interview one time. He said he never turned that down. Howard asked him if he ever had a woman tell him she was pregnant with his baby. Scott said that she told him she was pregnant, 6 months after they broke up, but she was only 4 months pregnant. He said he never heard from her after he told her that she was lying.
Howard asked Scott how long he waited to get into Nicolette Sheridan's pants. Scott said she was the one with the month and a half and it was amazing. Howard told him that it's an amazing life he's had. Howard said that when you have options like that, it's no wonder he's not married. Robin wanted to know how he got back into the Playboy mansion. Scott said he had to grovel on his hands and knees.
Howard asked Scott if he ever had any gay sex. Scott quickly said ''no'' to that. Howard and Robin asked him what his family thought about this. Scott said his father loved that he was getting all of these playboy chicks and he had a subscription to the magazine and he'd ask him about each of the girls and if he knew them.
Scott said that he got Pam Anderson her job on Baywatch. He sent her picture over to the casting people and they asked to see her. Scott also said that about a year and a half into the relationship Pam came to him and told him that she was going to get her breasts done. He said that he thought she was going to get them smaller but then he found out she wanted them bigger and he knew something or someone had gotten to her. He said that she had changed at that point. Scott said that he got very jaded in his life and stopped caring about having all of these chicks that he could do. He said he would have a bunch of women in bed and he'd just go out to smoke a cigar.
Scott said that he wants to get married now so he can have a kid and just relax. He said he's physically exhausted too. He doesn't want to be the guy in the bar trying to pick up women. Howard took some phone calls after giving him another plug for his show which airs Sunday nights on VH-1.
A caller thanked Scott for being so honest and talking about this stuff unlike so many other guests. The guy also asked about Josie Davis who was on Charles in Charge with him. Scott said that she was an ugly duckling on that show and she turned out to be a very beautiful woman. Howard wondered what happened to Nicole Eggert. Scott said that she just doesn't care anymore and now she's into real estate.
Richie Wilson from Howard TV called in with a clip of Jenny McCarthy talking about Scott. In the clip Jenny talked about what went on between her and Scott. She had said stuff about him on some other show but explained it on Howard's show.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Erin Moran mentioned how small Scott's penis was on his show. Scott said he has a normal sized penis and it's not small. Another caller asked Scott if he'd throw Robin a bone. Robin said she doesn't need that. She's no charity case.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Scott if he's had any plastic surgery. Scott said he doesn't need any of that stuff. He said his parents look young too so he's lucked out. Howard said that Jason Hervey is out in the green room with him. He said they'll have to say hello to him as well. Ralph called in and asked if Scott had been with Christina Ricci. That move was ''Cursed'' but Scott said that he just hung out with her for a few weeks.
Jason Hervey came into the studio a short time later. He actually created the show for Scott. Gary told Howard that Jason is married to a porn star and showed him some pictures of her. Howard said that she's hot too. He asked him if she's still got the big balloons. Jason just laughed. He said that he's been married to her for 9 years now. Jason said that his friend Johnny Fratto said to say hello to them.
Howard asked Jason about his wife and what his family thought about him marrying a porn star. He said that they're fine with it and they all love her. Howard asked Scott if he tried to get her. Scott said that he hasn't tried to get her. Howard told him to stay away from her.
Howard said that Scott seems like a smart guy and wondered if he's ever thought about these chicks being too vapid for him. Scott told a story about this chick he met who was a 15 on a scale of 10. He said that this Bob Dylan song came on the radio and she didn't know who it was. He explained to her who it was and she said she thought that he was in The Who. He said he literally stopped the car and told her to get out of the car. He said that she was so stupid that she's probably still trying to find her way home.
Gary told Howard he was reading the bio on Jason's wife Angel Heart. He said that it was a tough read and he wasn't going to talk about it because it was kind of brutal. Howard asked Scott if he's ever had to pay for sex. Scott said he did pay for it one time at the Chicken Ranch. He said that he just wanted to find out what it was like and he found that it sucked. He said that the chick was like a robot and it wasn't all that great. He said that he only paid $170 for a $300 lay.
Ralph called in again and asked Scott if he thinks that there aren't really that many really hot chicks out there. Scott said that there are some chicks who are pretty hot but they're not like Pam Anderson and Heather Locklear types.
Ralph asked Scott why he wants to get married because even someone like John Stamos thought that it was a good idea but that marriage didn't last. Howard said that Stamos has an impressive list of chicks but not as impressive as Scott's list. Howard said there is only one Scott Baio. He asked Scott if he's ever had an amputee. Scott said he's had some infirmed people. Howard asked him if he's ever done anyone that he's upset over. Scott said that he doesn't have any regrets. That was the road he was on and that's what he did.
Joey Boots called in and said that he thinks that Scott's career has been great. He said that he followed him from when he was on Happy Days. He said that he used to dry hump his hand to Scott when he was growing up and he'd love to lick his asshole if he ever had the chance.
Howard asked Scott if he ever had Anna Nicole Smith. Scott said he didn't but there was a rumor that the baby might be his. He said he didn't even know the woman. Howard told Scott that his show is great and gave him another plug for that. Robin asked Scott why he wants to marry this chick. Scott said that he'll leave it up to everyone to watch but he also said that she's a great chick and she's the only one who doesn't want to change him.
Jason Hervey told Howard that he came up with this idea for the show when they were hanging out one time and he pitched the show to VH-1. Artie asked him if he'd pitch a show called ''Artie Lange is 39 and Fat'' to them too. Howard wrapped up with the guys a short time later. He gave him another plug for his ''Scott Baio is 45 and Single'' show and then went to break.
Gary said that it's also being reported that she had cocaine in her car. Howard read the article and said that she was chasing another vehicle so the cops saw that and pulled her over. Howard said that she looks good in her mug shot and that's not easy. Howard said if he were her mom, he'd come out with a book about how to be a bad parent immediately.
Dominic Barbara called in and gave them some background on what went on before this. He thinks that she could end up in jail after this arrest and it could be up to a year. He said that she's probably going to get into a ton of trouble after that. The guys talked about all of that stuff for a couple of minutes.
Howard said that there was another story about a Britney Spears photo shoot and how bad that went. She was apparently really out of it during the shoot and her eyes rolled back in her head at one point. She was completely paranoid during the photo shoot and was afraid that the ceiling might cave in on her. Howard said that happened to him one time but he was on acid. She apparently used some designer dresses to wipe her hands on during the shoot as well.
Howard said that story about Britney is from TMZ.com. He didn't know what that site was. Robin said that it's one of those gossip sites that's pretty reliable. Gary said that they're owned by AOL.
Artie wondered if anyone could find his mug shot from when he was arrested out in L.A. County. That was back on November 14, 1996. Howard said that would be a great picture to have if he ever writes a book.
Howard said he's gotten a lot of email from hot chicks who want to come in. He read one and showed the picture to Artie. The chick was in the shower and completely naked. Artie said she had a great ass and she might be great in that Miss Butterface contest.
Howard got another email from a chick who owns some Real Dolls and uses them to photograph, not for having sex. Howard said that she doesn't get why those dolls are so great. He said that the chick was super hot but she just doesn't get why they like those dolls. Howard said they haven't had any naked chicks down there in a while and she might be good for that. He said the only problem is that they're not always good on radio.
Steve said that Eric the Midget may be ready to call the show again. He quoted Eric's latest posting and said that he will never call the show again. Howard said that Eric will call in again, no matter what he says. Steve said they also have a story about how Rev. Bob Levy is going to start having chicks sign releases before having blue cheese dressing licked out of their asses at his comedy shows. Steve got in some plugs for some shows that are coming up tonight as well.
Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said that they'll talk about Scott Baio's visit today. That led to Howard and the guys talking about how crazy some of those stories were. Howard said that Scott getting banned from the mansion for banging too many chicks is amazing.
Jon said that they'll also talk about Russell Simmons' visit and try to figure out what he was talking about. They'll also talk about Sal's run in with Russell and about Howard's reaction to that. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.
Howard tried taking a call from this guy R.J. who was on the line but the guy had fallen asleep and was snoring. Howard said the guy was on hold for about 2 hours or more and he just fell asleep. Howard left him on the air as Robin continued her news. The guy was snoring like crazy so the guys were kind of making fun of that. Howard said it's almost like Cousin Brucie the way he was snoring. He thought it sounded a lot like Brucie's ''EEeee'' sound.
Howard tried to get through to R.J. by yelling out to him but R.J. wasn't waking up. Howard just left him on the line snoring as they continued to go through the news. Artie asked the guy if he heard that he was on ''Rescue Me'' and all we heard was him snoring. Then Howard asked the guy if he heard that Robin and Mr. X had broken up, more snoring. Howard told the guy to snore twice if he was a homo, the guy snored twice. Howard threw out a few lines like that to the guy while he continued to snore.
Ralph called in and said that the snoring guy was brilliant. Howard said he's going to leave him on as long as he stays asleep. He said that he might be on during the Wrap Up Show and even on through Bubba's show. Artie told R.J. That SIRIUS was offering Ala Carte programming when they merge... The guy snored. Robin would read a story and tell R.J. about it, he'd snore some more. Robin read a story about the merger and R.J. continued to snore. Artie said that surely R.J. would be into that, he kept snoring.
Howard said that Richard thinks he can wake this guy up with his Chewbacca yell. He came in and did that but R.J. kept snoring. He blew an air horn too but that didn't wake him either. R.J. Slept through it all and kept on snoring. Richard gave him a full blast of the horn but it didn't do a thing.
Howard took a call from Mutt from Superfan Roundtable who asked Howard about the new pricing packages that would be available. Howard figured that Howard 100 and 101 would be part of the channels that you could pick. Howard said he'd ask and find out. He asked Gary to find out for him. R.J. continued to snore. Howard said you kind of forget about the snore for a while and then all of a sudden you hear it and it makes you laugh some more.
Artie got on a megaphone and tried waking the guy up but didn't get a response. He was doing his Ted Kennedy impression and yelling at him but nothing happened. Robin wrapped up a short time later. Howard was ending the show and reading his final commercial when R.J. finally woke up. R.J. Thought he had been awake but Howard told him that he had just been on for about 25 minutes snoring.
R.J. was trying to get out what he wanted to say but he sounded like he was still asleep. Howard said he was funnier talking than he was snoring. Howard asked the guy if he was still sleeping. R.J. kept trying to explain to him what he was trying to say but Howard didn't understand what the hell he was talking about. R.J. Started laughing at himself trying to get those lines out. R.J. Said that the joke was something about ''An empty palm is the joke of a satirist.'' Howard and Artie goofed on him about that.
R.J. Said that on Jay Leno's show they lifted Stuttering John with balloons and they lifted that from Howard's show. He had said that it was on Letterman's show but didn't even realize it. Howard said that they do everything they do over there. Howard told R.J. He had to get out of this so he let him go and ended the show right around 10:55am.
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Howard started off the show talking about the fun filled morning they were going to have. They were going to have three Penthouse Pets in to show who the strongest woman was. He said that John the Stutterer will be coming in as well. Howard and Artie pointed out that he's a big Who fan and also a Yes fan. Howard played some song parodies with John and his stutters in them. Howard said John wants to come in and tell them how awful his life is.
Howard read a note about Gary having 3 black and white cookies on his desk already and it wasn't even 6am yet. Gary said that he didn't get them, Ronnie put them on his desk for him. He said he will probably eat them though. That led to Artie talking about cupcake Wednesday and how it's killing everyone there. Artie already had his cupcakes ready to go.
Howard said he read an article about how New York has a lot of people with Diabetes and it's because there are a lot of sedentary people in the area. He wanted to eat Artie's cupcake after bringing that up though. Howard said if he just ate that for breakfast, he'd be fine. Artie said he'd be fine if he ate just one a week but he can't.
Artie said that the guy who drives him to work in the morning will go and get him a Frappachino at Starbucks. He stops there and likes the hot chick who works there. Artie said the guy started going there before he picks him up so he really does a good job driving him. Artie said the guy is good at doing his job. Artie had to ask the guy to ask him before getting one of those things though.
Artie said he went home and took a nap but he didn't wake up until this morning. He said he could probably sleep 40 hours at a time. Robin said that the fat is pressing on his lungs so that's why that happens. Artie said that he's never been more refreshed from sleeping so much though. Howard said it's like Artie is still growing so he's like a little kid.
Robin told Artie that he's getting tired from moving around because he's gotten so big. He's also crashing from the sugar high that he gets from eating all of that stuff he eats every day. Howard brought up how all the guys there are gaining weight back after the weight loss challenge because they eat so much there.
Artie said that he's still eating those buttered bagels every morning as well. He had one today and it was smothered in butter as usual. He was drinking a Hawaiian Punch as well. Robin pointed out all of the stuff that he was eating and Fred played Taps for him. Artie laughed but Howard said he'd been getting a lot of feedback from the fans who think he's going to be dead in a year.
Howard said the guys from Howard TV thought Artie had sweat stains under his arms but Artie said it was his deodorant. Fred said it was actually butter leaking out from under his arms. That made Artie laugh a little bit. Artie lifted up his arms and Fred played the Rocky theme song. Howard said the visual was pretty funny with the song playing and Artie having his arms raised. A caller told Artie that he said he was going to diet once he hit 300 pounds but that hasn't happened yet.
Howard read some feedback about Artie and there was some positive stuff about his Iron Sheik impression. Howard asked Artie, as Iron Sheik, to comment on Randy Savage so Artie went into his impression and went off on the guy. He even broke down crying like Sheik seems to do in just about every interview he does. Artie was doing a lot of lines that he's heard Sheik say in his interviews. Howard said that Iron Sheik will be in next Thursday to play Anal Ring Toss.
Howard took a call from a doctor who wanted to talk about Artie but her phone connection was awful. She said that Artie should go to a doctor and find out if he's a diabetic. Artie said that his father was one and he didn't find out until he was much older. Howard had to hang up on the woman because her phone was so bad. Artie went on to talk about how his blood pressure has always been fine. He said his cholesterol will go up when he gets fat. It goes down to normal when he gets thin though.
Howard took a call from this guy they call Special Ed but he wasn't able to get to a point so Howard hung up on him within a short time. Another caller said that he's about Artie's size at 5'9'' tall and 278 pounds. He thinks that he's going to hit 300 and then go on a diet. Artie said he remembers being so uncomfortable when he hit 250. He thought he'd be bed ridden by 300.
Artie came up with a story about how he could become an A-list star if he was somehow able to get a date with Jennifer Aniston, just because he'd be connected to her. He said the way things work in Hollywood is really weird.
Howard said that's kind of what happened with Jenny McCarthy when she hooked up with Jim Carrey. He spent a minute talking about getting angry with Beth the other night because she didn't come on to him after she said she was going to. He said he knows he's tough to live with and that's why he has to go to therapy. Artie said he gets that because you expect to get laid and when it doesn't happen, you get frustrated. That's any guy.
Fred said that he hates to see Artie eating and killing himself with all of the food he's eating. Artie said he hadn't eaten anything since 2 o'clock yesterday because he slept the whole day. He went on to tell a story about this guy he used to hang out with who was a comedian. He said that he and that guy went out and bought line after line of coke in little bottles that they'd do with these broads they met at comedy clubs. Artie said that the place was like a guy's apartment that they were allowed to stay in as long as they did the coke in the bathroom. Artie said there were business guys who would go there and hang out all night doing coke and hanging out with really hot chicks.
Artie said this place had a pool table and he'd play pool all night. He said he went in on a Sunday night and didn't leave the place until Wednesday. He said he didn't even want to stop but the other guy had to leave because he couldn't spend more money. He said that club moved around a lot and he hasn't been there in 15 years so he has no idea what happened to it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's on an 1,800 calorie a day diet and Artie is doing that for just breakfast. Howard asked Artie for the calories for all of the stuff he was eating this morning and figured out what he was taking in. They went through the drinks and food and figured it was up around 1,400 calories or so already. Howard said that Artie had already eaten more than he ate all day yesterday.
Artie's drinks alone were worth 600 calories. They figured that out and threw in the cupcake and bagel and stuff like that. The guys figured it was right up there around 1,500 calories so the caller was just about right. The caller tried doing his Iron Sheik impression but the guys told him he wasn't very good. Howard told him to go back to not eating.
Howard said that he got a bunch of mail about Scott and it turns out his girlfriend is pregnant so that's the big secret behind his show. Howard said that Scott is a good guest and he told him yesterday he could come back anytime.
Howard read through some of the e-mail he got about Scott yesterday. The fans seemed to like the interview and told him how great it was.
Howard said that someone wrote in about Joey Boots and said that he thinks that he's lying to everyone about being gay. Artie said that he thinks the guy might be right. He said he's been talking to Chris Canyon and Chris said that he's not positive but he thinks he could be gay. Artie said that Boots might want to get attention but he doesn't want that to be true. Sal came in and said that he thinks Boots is pulling a prank on them and this will be like his huge thing for him some day. He said he asked Joey to come in and play Guess What's In My Pouch and he turned him down.
Howard played a clip from the Wrap Up Show where Sal explained to the guys why he had gone up to Russell Simmons and called himself the White Devil. Sal was telling the guys why he thinks that Russell Simmons is an anti-Semite and gave an explanation about how Russell had made a comment about a guy he used to work with and how you had to check to make sure if you shook his hand that you had all five fingers when you stopped shaking his hand.
Howard said that Russell Simmons is not an anti-Semitic guy and he can't just say that he is because of a joke the guy made. Howard told Sal to stay away from his guests because he didn't make the guy feel any better by calling himself a white devil. Artie and Howard told Sal that Russell was just joking around when he called Howard the N-word but Sal doesn't believe that.
Howard asked Sal if that's his job to handle stuff like that in the halls. Sal said that he knows it's not, he won't do it again. Gary said that he tried to find out more about that story Sal told yesterday and there was no history of it at all. He said they found out that Sal found out about that story because he used to be the president of the Beastie Boys fan club, the Beastie Revolution. Sal said he was 17 back then. He said he was on Prodigy at the time and he was like the Mutt of the Beastie Revolution. He was out posting where they were appearing and stuff like that.
Howard couldn't believe he was hearing this. He said that they have a genuine nut job working for them. Artie asked Sal how he found out all of the information that he would post on the web back then. Sal said that he doesn't remember all of that. He was just posting it all on Prodigy back then.
Artie said that Gary was pointing out that Sal has this ''cheap Jew'' thing in his head and he thinks that any reference to a Jewish guy means that the person saying it is anti-Semitic. Gary told Howard that they had the audio of Sal talking to Russell out in the hall after the interview yesterday. Howard was about to play it when Fred played a bunch of Baba Booey songs.
Howard played the clip where Sal told Russell that he and Richard really were the white devils and he could call them crackers at any time. Fred asked him when he made Russell feel better talking about that stuff. Howard played more of the audio before Sal could answer. Sal was telling Russell about what a big fan he was. Howard asked him why he had to tell him that stuff. Sal said he was just saying it because he helped line his pockets.
Howard said he's really got to stay away from his guests. Sal said he's going to but he got caught out there as he was coming out of the studio. He said he was just joking around but Howard told him to just stay away from the guests.
Gary said he heard that Sal went to a Beastie Boys concert and asked Chris Rock why he was at a Beastie Boys concert because black people don't like them. Sal said that was true but he was just joking around. Sal was defending himself and said that the things he was saying were facts and they all made sense. Sal thought that they were doing this to make themselves look smarter than him.
Howard told Sal that he's an asshole and it's very simple. He said that the facts are clear there, Sal is an asshole. He said that he's an asshole because he bothered his guests. Sal insists that he's not going to do that again. Howard told Sal he's a mutant and the caller said he's a douche bag. He started to give some kind of weird plug so Howard hung up on him.
Howard didn't want to play more of this Wrap Up Show thing because he knew it was going to get him fired up. Artie and Robin wanted to hear more though. Howard played a clip where Jason and Sal were arguing about who should be able to decide what pictures go up on Howard's web site. Sal doesn't think he should be the one making that decision but Gary said he should be.
Howard figured that Sal just isn't a bright guy when it comes to that stuff but he can make some brilliant phony phone calls. Fred said that Sal is an idiot savant. He said there are a lot of comedians like that. They're very good at comedy but not anything else.
Howard was saying that Sal is really good with the prank calls but Artie said that what he's doing isn't all that brilliant, an 8 year old could do what Sal does. He said that stuff is funny but it's not all that brilliant. Sal came in and defended himself and said that some of the stuff he's done is very good and other people didn't think about doing some of the stuff he's done. Sal said that he does great during the roasts and doing his comedy as well. He said he would never knock Artie's act like that.
Artie said he was just saying that he didn't think Sal was all that bright. He doesn't think he's a genius or anything like that. Sal said he doesn't think that he's a genius either. Artie told some stories about prank calls that he and his friends made and how funny they were. One of his friends made a brilliant call but that guy is now in prison.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw Jessica Hahn on Entertainment Tonight last night and her face looks really bizarre these days. He said that it looks like she's had a lot of surgery and her face is all smushed up. He said that Tabitha Stevens is the same way.
Gary said he thinks that Joe gave her an 8 carat diamond. Howard found that part of the article and read through it. Joe has been friends with her for about 7 years or so. Gary said that maybe Joe came around after Howard. Artie said she was in there talking about some mystery guy she was dating and it must have been Joe.
Howard said that his reaction is that he's very happy for her if she found true love. Artie interrupted and said that he had to correct himself over a joke he made about that phony phone caller earlier. He said that the guy isn't in jail or anything.
Jessica said that she knows she's close to hitting the wall but she doesn't think that she's hit it yet. She told Howard that there's something not right with her face and it may be because she lost too much weight. Howard asked her how old she is now. She's 48 so she's getting up there. He said that it's hard to fend off ''the wall'' at that age. Fred kept playing a crashing sound as if she was hitting the wall throughout the call.
Jessica said that the she's never leaving the house again. She said the only reason she looked good is because they showed Tammy Faye during that interview last night. Howard said it's too bad they can't give head transplants these days. He said that Lindsay Lohan's face is a waste now that she's fucking up so much. If he were president, he'd make her give up her face to someone else. He suggested that they give that to someone like Steven Hawking who deserves a working body.
Howard saw a shot of Jessica and thought she didn't look all that bad. Artie said she looks like a Real Doll. Howard said she had to have had a face lift. Jessica swore that she didn't and she said that she would have told them if she had. She has no reason not to tell them if she did have that done. Howard said she looked fine to him in that picture. He said he'd check out the video though. He told her not to bum out too much and let her go.
Howard said that he hit the wall at like 13 years old. He said that's when puberty hit and his nose started growing. Artie said he thinks his mother gave birth to him right next to a wall so he came out looking the way he does. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said they had some pictures of Daniel's house and it was actually pretty nice. He lives on about 5 acres of land. Howard read through Lee's notes and he pointed out that Daniel lives in White County. He said that Daniel didn't wear his Ku Klux Klan gear when they were there. Daniel told them that he's not all about hating people all the time.
Howard read that Daniel has little statues of black people all over his lawn. They have one of a black guy eating watermelon on his front lawn. Daniel used to sell those things. Lee said that Daniel's wife collects dolls and they keep the black dolls segregated from the white dolls. They had some audio from that part of the show. Daniel said that they don't discriminate, they segregate their dolls just like they'd like to do with people.
Howard read through some more notes and Lee says that Daniel talks about this Aunt Jemima doll that reminds him about Robin. He also has some watermelon out just in case Robin showed up to his house for that shoot. Robin said she could go out and sit with the concrete black guy who was eating the watermelon.
Lee points out that Daniel has a computer and he knows how to use it. He likes to look at the stocks and stuff like that. Lee said that Daniel has a laptop in his pick up truck and he listens to the show over it by stealing people's wi-fi networks. Lee said that this Daniel Carver Cribs should be airing in September sometime. He got in a plug for the Tabitha Stevens Cribs that's on Howard TV now.
lee said that Daniel and his family were going out to dinner so they asked them if they wanted to go out with them. Lee said they wanted to get closer to Atlanta so they passed on that. He said that it was the most surreal thing he's ever shot before. He said that they didn't tell Daniel that he was Jewish because he was afraid that they'd get kicked out or something. The guys think that Daniel would have been fine with it because he appears on Howard's show and Howard is Jewish.
Howard had Joey Boots on the phone so he asked him about these rumors that he might be pulling a scam on them by saying he's gay. Joey said that he will do whatever he has to do to prove it. Joey said that he hasn't found a dude who he likes yet so he can't just get any guy and make out with him. Artie told him he's sure they could find someone. Howard told him that they'll find someone for him.
Joey said that he was crying that day when he was telling everyone that he was gay so he's not making this up. Gary said that they have a gay porn producer who wants to get his guys on the show so they can get some pictures and let Joey pick one to make out with. Joey seemed to be okay with that.
Howard let Joey go and got in some promos for next week's Anal Ring Toss game. He also played some John the Stutterer song parodies and clips since he was coming in today. They also have the World's Strongest Naked Woman contest coming up next.
Howard then moved on to the World's Strongest Naked Woman contest. He said he had three Penthouse chicks who were very hot. The girls came walking in a short time later and Howard told them that they were definitely a step above. He said they were all hot and looked great in their robes. The girls were between 19 and 23 years old. Howard said that they were going to figure out who was the strongest of the three.
Howard talked to Charlie Laine (ClubCharlie.com) who has been on the show before. She was in Penthouse in February of 2006. She said that she's doing really well and working more than ever. She's 5'3'' tall and weighs just 103 pounds. Howard said that she says she smokes a lot of weed but she wasn't baked this morning. She said that she saved it for after the show today. Charlie said that she doesn't work out so she may not do well today.
Charlie also lives with Penthouse Pet of the Year Martina Warren. Charlie talked about the naked barbecues they have at their apartment. Howard found out that Charlie went to high school but didn't graduate. Howard told her he loves that. Howard said he was going to move on to the next woman but read that Charlie is doing porn movies so he asked her about that. She said she does bondage films and Howard said he kind of likes that. He asked her what kind of stuff she does in them so she shared some of the details. She said she will only let hot chicks tie her up. She also told the guys that she just started co-hosting Gary Garver's online show. Artie laughed hysterically when he heard that.
Howard asked Charlie what she likes to do with other chicks. She said that she likes to go down on them and she can last for a good 45 minutes or more with them. Howard asked her what's more important, tongue or fingers. She said that the tongue is. She said that she has worked with both of the girls that were there with her today.
Charlie has done some Chloroform videos but she said they're fake. She said that she could demonstrate for the guys after Howard asked her to. Mike Gange pretended to knock her out and she pretended that she was knocked out. Artie seemed amazed by her 23 year old body.
Renee Diaz was up next so Howard talked to her. He asked her if she thinks that she can compete against the other girls. She said that she's going to try. Howard said that she's been in porn as well and he's amazed at how hot these chicks are and doing porn like that. The industry has changed according to Howard. She said that she does hard core movies but only with her boyfriend. She also said that she will bring girls home for her boyfriend but it depends on where they're at and their mood. Howard wondered how he could get that going. Artie said he'd throw her ten grand if she'd do him.
Artie went from 10 to 20 to 30 grand but Renee wasn't going for it. She said that if it was kept to 5 minutes, she might do it for 30 grand. Artie seemed like he was ready to take that deal. Howard read that Renee has quit smoking weed because she wants to work as a dealer in a casino.
Howard moved on to the 19 year old, Andie Valentino (ILoveAndie.com), and found out she was in the May 2007 issue. Howard ended up asking her to get naked with one of the other girls so they showed their asses. Artie said that he had to leave the room because this wasn't appropriate anymore. Howard said that Artie had a boner and told him to sit down. Artie said that it was the nicest body he'd ever seen on a girl. He asked to see her ass again and let out a ''Oh my fuckin' god!'' in a high pitched voice.
Howard said you'll have to see this on Howard TV because the girls were naked and showing how they sleep in bed together. Artie thought that the 19 year old was the cutest but they were all smokin' hot. Howard asked the girls what they did when they slept together. They said it was in the video. Howard asked Andie how many guys she's been with. She said just one, her boyfriend. Howard talked to her about that while Charlie was playing with herself in there. Andie told Howard she likes to feel other women's boobs so that's what she does when she goes out to clubs and stuff.
Howard moved on to the competition and had Charlie get on the pull up bar. She managed to do two pull ups. Howard heard from Richard Christy that Andie has really big lips down below so he asked about that. She said that she does and the other girls said that they're fun to play with and suck on. Ralph called in a minute later and said that he wants to see the girls naked on the web site but they have robes on. The girls said that you have to buy the magazine to see them naked.
Howard asked Renee to get up on the pull up bar and gave her a plug for her web site ReneePerezOnline.com. She did 4 pull ups. Then Andie got up and did 6 pull ups. She did two half pull ups so they gave her an extra point.
Howard said that Charlie was in last place so she was going to go first in the push up challenge. Will was there with his fist on the ground to make sure their chests hit his fist. Artie asked how Will got that gig and reminded him that he's engaged. Will told him to shut up. Charlie went on to do 14 push ups. Howard said he had to stand up during that. Renee then got up and did her push ups. Will counted out until she got up to 14 as well. Andie was up next and she pumped out 25 push ups no problem.
Artie let it be known that he had a raging hard on at that point. Howard said that JD was going to come in and arm wrestle the girls. Howard gave the girls some plugs. They're going to be making an appearance at the Romantic Depot this Friday night. You can also check them out in ''My First Girlfriend'' and ''Filthy'' at the PenthouseStore.com.
Howard had the girls arm wrestle JD and he beat Charlie immediately. He got a naked hug for that. Then Renee got up and JD's arm came off the mat so they disqualified him. He also hurt Renee so Howard kind of went off on him. JD won but the guys didn't like the way he was doing things. Andie got up next and the guys told JD to keep his wrist straight and not cheat. JD beat Andie after about 2 seconds and she told him he was really strong. The guys said that he's not strong.
Gary told Howard there was one more category, Best Sybian Ride, so Howard asked the girls if they wanted to do that. Howard told Andie that she had just won $1000 by winning this contest. He gave Cylaris Weight Loss a plug since they sponsored the contest. Then Andie got on the Sybian and rode that. She told Charlie she was going to have to fuck her after she got off. She asked for some tittie and screamed out while Gary jacked up the power. She said she was really horny after that and claimed that she had an orgasm.
Renee got on the Sybian after that while Gary was wearing a new mask to cover up his face during the rides. Howard said that the girls were smacking Renee's boobs around while she rode the machine. She said that she had to stop because she was starting to sweat really bad. Charlie said she'd ride the Sybian as well so Howard had her get on. He was still shaken up by the girls smacking around Renee's boobs during that last ride.
Charlie got on and asked for her hair to be pulled while she rode the Sybian. She told them to pull harder as soon as it started up. She finished within seconds. She said she loves to have her hair pulled because she likes the sensation she gets.
Doug Goodstein came in and asked the girls if they would ride the Sybian all at once. Howard told him they were done with this at that point and didn't think that they'd fit on there anyway. Howard wrapped up after that and went to break.
Howard said some of the guys were showing off for the girls and doing pull ups on the pull up bar. Howard said he thinks he could do at least 6. Fred said he could probably do that many as well. Howard told Artie that the bar says that a 300 pound guy can't use it so that means Artie can't get on it. Howard warned him not to do it but he wanted to just hang on it.
Artie got on the bar and tried pulling his weight up. He wasn't able to do even one. Howard wondered who could get on it. Fred said he'd like to see High Pitch Mike. Mike Gange got on instead and was able to do just one. Jason came in after that and said he knows he can't even do one. He gave it a try and wasn't able to do one. Howard asked him if that upsets him. Jason didn't seem upset at all.
Howard asked Benjy to give it a try. He went over and got on and tried to pull himself up. Will pulled his pants down as he was trying to pull up. Benjy wasn't able to do even one. He told him to get away from the bar. Howard wanted to see what Ronnie could do since he's supposed to be a security guy. He also suggested that JD do some but Robin said that he already tried to do some. Gary suggested that they get Tim Sabean in there too.
Gary came in and did one pull up. JD then did one and tried a second but couldn't pull it off. Howard said he could do a few so he went over to the bar and did his pull ups as everyone counted. He got up to 10 and started to crack. He pulled up and did 12. Fred was up next and did 9 but Gary said that he didn't do a full 9, he did half pull ups. Fred went back and did a few more to show he could do them.
Gary said that Howard did them the right way because he went all the way down and pulled all the way up. The guys told Gary to kiss his ass a little more. Robin asked to see Jon Hein do some. Howard said that Robin had the look of love after seeing him do that.
The guys were throwing out names like Scott DePace and others who they wanted to see pull up. DePace was backing out because he was going to play golf today and didn't want to screw up his arms. Jon Hein came in and attempted to do some. Jon managed three. Scott DePace said he'd do it and hopped on the bar. He did three and gave up.
The blind caller told Howard that he was ''watching'' this show about child molesters and they had one guy whose name was Paul Shaffer and he thought it was funny every time they said that name. Howard figured you had to see it to get why it was so funny. He let the caller go and took some more calls.
A caller said that he's a cop and he was listening in his car and had a boner in the car. He said they have no idea what it's like to be a cop with a boner. Howard asked him if he can beat off in a cop car. The guy said he can't do that during the day.
Ralph called in and said that he can't believe those guys can't do more than one pull up there. He said that Jason should be able to do some. Howard let Ralph go because Artie had a story to tell.
Artie said that it wasn't just ''creepy'' guy, it was ''really creepy'' in the description. So Artie and Richard have a shoot together today. Artie said he's not all that creepy really but who knows how it'll come out. He said that they're shooting at a bar uptown today.
Andrea said she's cut down on the drinking since that day. Howard told her that he's really worried about her going into that dark area. Andrea said that she can't even eat after this news that the show has to be put off. She said she's really sad this morning. She sounded very down. Andrea said that she hasn't been drunk since she was on that day with KC. Howard told her to cut back on the drinking and maybe they can work on doing the reality show with her at a later time.
Andrea said that she's going to work on cleaning herself up and she really wants that reality show. Robin told her that she needs to wait a while, that's all. Howard told Andrea that a lot of girls look up to her so she has to be a good role model. He told her to get that shit under control. She said ''okay'' and sounded like she was really out of it.
Howard said that Miss Black Howard Stern, Charlie, is really worried about her. Howard put her on the phone and Charlie asked her what's going on with her. Andrea said that she'll be fine and no one should worry about her. Charlie said she's getting a lot of mail about her and people are really worried. Andrea said that she'll be fine but she sounded like she was on the verge of tears. Howard told Andrea to pull it together for her daughter Beyonce. Andrea kept saying she'll be fine and hung up.
Howard said he spoke to Andrea after she was on last time and told her to pull it together because she has a kid. He didn't spend a lot of time talking to her though.
Howard tried to take a call from a guy but the guy wasn't there when he picked up. He then went to the Doobie Brothers (Sour Shoes) who were playing music as soon as he picked up. Sour Shoes was doing some songs as the Doobie Brothers but Howard didn't keep him on too long. Howard asked the guys where they think Sour Shoes will be in 2032. The guys figured they'd be right there in his house where he was when he called in.
Howard had the guys bring in John the Stutterer. John came in and apologized for being late. He said he got the 5:30 train but it took him forever to get there. Gary came in and said that Jon Hein told him that they asked John the Stutterer to do a talk up for the Music Special and it ended up being even longer than the song they had him talking up.
Howard asked John about this crush he has on Lisa G. He said that he masturbates to her and of course he doesn't think that he could get her. Howard thought that Lisa might be into doing someone like that because she is kind of compassionate. John said that he'd also like to lick, suck and kiss Lisa's beautiful asshole and cunt. Fred was doing his impression of John while he was talking about all of this stuff. Howard wanted him to clean it up a little bit but everything he said sounded dirty.
Lisa came in and John told her that he's been thinking about her like this since he met her. She said that John really needs to get help and work on himself to get some self confidence. She said that he's always so down and he needs to change that. Howard said that maybe if Lisa loved him, his confidence would change. Lisa said it doesn't work like that.
Artie told John that if he went through some incredible metamorphosis and they were stuck on top of a burning building and God told her she could grow wings if she just kissed John, she would say no. He said there's no way that she's going to sleep with him for any reason, ever.
Lisa asked John why he doesn't try to do something about his stutter. He said he doesn't think that has anything to do with him not getting women. He said he thinks it's his looks. Howard told John he really needs to cut that hair of his. He told him it really doesn't look good and even Richard Christy cut his hair down.
Howard said that if John worked on that stutter, he might be able to carry on a conversation with a woman. Artie said that's just one of his problems, he said that he's a loser right along with John and they have to face it and just drink.
A caller asked Howard how John can afford to go to a shrink if he doesn't even have a job. John said he has Medicaid and he could use that. He insisted on talking even when Howard was trying to help him out with what he was saying.
Howard asked Lisa who she would go for, JD or John the Stutterer. She picked JD over John. John said that she was a bitch. Artie told her that she won't go with either one and she could have lied and said John. She said that it's the stuttering and shaking. Robin said she'd actually take John over JD. John said that maybe if he shoed Lisa her tongue, she'd change her mind. She saw it and it was still a ''no.'' Robin said that JD has a creepy factor that would keep her away from him.
Artie said that when he and JD go out to Vegas, they're going to have a guy get them some women. He said that JD will be greeted out there by a hot chick. He said that she'll be taken care of and JD won't have to do anything. He said that she's a ''Vegas 8'' which means that she's a ''Cincinnati 11.'' Howard said they're going to see JD with some hot chick out there. Artie said if he wants her for the whole weekend, they may have to compensate her more. Howard thought that was very nice of Artie to take care of JD like that. Then Artie offered to take John the Stutterer out there with him as well. Howard said this might be the new version of the Rat Pack, the Sad Sack Pack.
John said that he could go and has no problem flying or anything like that. Ralph said he called Artie the other day and asked to come out to Vegas and he turned him down. Artie said Ralph called him the other day and asked him if he could come. Artie said he doesn't want to fly Ralph out there too. He said that he can come out there, he's not going to turn him down. Ralph said he won't go now because Artie is inviting ''loserville.''
John the Stutterer went off on Ralph calling him names and not stuttering one bit. He was so pissed off that he stopped stuttering for a few seconds. He now wants to have a beauty contest against Ralph.
Howard gave Robin an F, Marry, Kill with John, JD and Big Foot. Robin said she's have to kill big foot. She had some trouble coming up with what to do after that. Howard threw a bunch of other names at her after that and had her picking between JD and Scott the Engineer and people like that.
Lisa said she thinks she knows why she doesn't like John. She said that she has a cat that has seizures and when she sees John shaking, it reminds her of her cat. John the Stutterer started going off on Ralph again so Howard tried to get him on another subject and brought up Anne Coulter who he seems to had just as much. He went off on her for a few minutes and sounded very angry. When he gets angry he doesn't stutter nearly as much as when he was calm.
Howard said that Lisa was working her way out of the studio while John was going off on Coulter. Howard asked her to choose between High Pitch Eric and John and she wasn't able to answer. She said that if John tried to get one of those ''things in his ear'' to stop the stuttering, she'd agree to go out to dinner with him. John refused. He said he needs that slight ambiguity (a,a,a,a,a,a,ambiguity) to find out if she's going out with him for his looks or not.
Howard jokingly said that 30,000 whores had left Las Vegas after hearing that Artie was bringing JD and John out there this weekend. John wondered if they could find a chick that would let him lick her asshole out there in Vegas. Artie said that would be extra money but, yes, they could find a chick like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who thinks that Lisa has a crush on Howard. Lisa said that's true to a certain extent. Howard wrapped up with Lisa and John and said he's happy that he's going out to Vegas with Artie and can't wait to hear about that.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. Steve said that they're working on a story about Big Foot going to court and being fined $141 for possession of pot. Steve said they also have a story about Bob Levy and the guys on Miserable Men getting upset about some comments that Artie made about the Killers of Comedy being ''The Hack Pack.'' Artie said that he was just joking around.
Shuli was there with Gary and he seemed like he was really angry. Howard let him come in and vent on Artie because of that. Shuli said that Artie is basically saying that they suck when he makes comments like that. Shuli said that he doesn't have to do it on the air all the time. Artie said that if he said it off the air it might be more serious. Artie said that he doesn't think that they're hacky at all and they work with him all the time.
Shuli said that he's giving mixed signals about this stuff. He said that it's really not cool to say stuff like that on radio. Artie said that he doesn't want to work with them anymore if this is the way things are going to be. Shuli told Artie it's a shit move to ask them to work for him and then call them the ''hack pack.'' Artie told Shuli he's acting like a broad here.
Howard asked Artie who the funniest guy is out of that group of guys. Artie said it's probably Beetlejuice. Shuli said that it's really upsetting when Artie says something like that on a radio show. He said it has nothing to do with work, he's just going to Artie as one comic to another and letting him know it wasn't cool.
Artie insisted that he was just joking around. Shuli said that there are a lot of people who take Artie's word as gospel so that's why it's upsetting. Ralph called in and told Artie that ''Hack Pack'' was brilliant. He also said that Artie busts balls all the time and that's all he was doing.
Shuli accused Ralph of being kind of cunty himself since Ralph was doing the same to him. Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that Artie isn't all that talented. She went off on him for a few minutes before Howard let her go.
Mutt from SternFanNetwork called in and said that Shuli and the guys were goofing on him on their show this weekend as well. He said that they were attacking him and they think that it's all in good fun so maybe he shouldn't get so upset. Shuli said that Mutt was on the air with them though so he had a chance to get back at them. Artie kept saying that he was just joking around.
Sal came in and said that they don't have the clout that Artie has and when he goes out and does stuff like that, it doesn't help. They're just trying to put on a good show. Artie said he knows that and he thinks that their shows are great. Sal said he doesn't get it and he wants Artie to be honest and tell them how he feels. Artie said he doesn't know how he really feels and asked him if he wanted him to go to therapy with him or something.
Steve Langford got back to his news preview and said that they contacted L.A. County and tried to get Artie's mug shot but they say they're refusing to release it. He said that they don't release them after the OJ Simpson photo was altered for Time Magazine.
Howard said that Sal was explaining on the Wrap Up Show how he was identified as an Indian guy at a Dunkin Donuts by the shop owner and now he wants to get rid of those bags and dark circles under his eyes. Sal thinks that all Indians have dark circles and bags under their eyes. Howard played the clip where Sal gave the explanation and Sal tells them that he wants to go to Dr. Calabro and get rid of them. Sal said he was on the verge of tears after the guy asked him if he was Indian. Howard said that Sal was wrecked just because someone mistook him as an Indian. Artie said that Sal is assuming the guy picked him out as Indian because of his eyes, the guy didn't point that out.
Steve said that they have an update for the Jackie Puppet being missing. They're still searching for it and trying to figure out where it went.
Artie said that he put down Shuli and Levy's names on a list of comedians he wanted to showcase at this big show he's doing later this year. He said after this thing with Shuli, he's not sure he wants to leave them in it. He told Levy to clean his pussy. He said that maybe he should give a list of the things he doesn't want those guys talking about.
Artie said that if he left this show, he'd be back to playing clubs again. He said that they're all in the same boat. Shuli came back in and asked Artie ''hack'' means to him. Artie said it means unoriginal. Shuli said that he's calling them hacks but then he wants to put them in this showcase. He wants Artie to figure out where he stands with them. Artie kept telling him that he was just joking around.
Howard had Mariann back on the phone and she went off on Artie as well. She said that she doesn't have a smelly cunt like he said earlier. She went off on him for little longer before Howard moved on to another caller. This guy Ike from MAD TV called in and said that he knows a guy who saw the Killers of Comedy Show in Los Angeles and the show was awful. Artie said he's done awful shows himself so that happens to every comedian.
Another caller said that Shuli should have a sense of humor and get over this. Artie said that he was listening to the Howard 100 News and Shuli has been using ''Shalom beotch'' a little too much. He said he heard it about 40 times an hour when he was driving home from Pittsburgh. He said he hates that line. Howard doesn't have a problem with it though.
Artie pointed out that he went on the Jimmy Kimmel show and called Howard a ''fruit'' for getting engaged. Howard knew that he was just joking around. Howard said that he is kind of a fruit though so there was some truth to it. Howard let a few phone callers go off on Shuli for being so upset about the whole thing. Shuli said that Artie does have some power and his fans follow him around listening to what he has to say. Artie said he doesn't think he has the power to stop someone from buying a ticket to one of their shows.
Howard said he got a note from Richie Wilson who got an Arbitron Radio Ratings book and wondered if there was anyone they wanted to support. The guys couldn't come up with anyone. They did end up talking about Imus and how the ratings at that station didn't change much so it shows that he didn't have any effect on their ratings there.
Jon Hein gave his Wrap Up Show preview and said they'll be talking about the Penthouse Pets who came in today. They'll talk about the pull ups that the guys tried doing. They're going to talk about Artie bringing JD and John the Stutterer out to Vegas too.
Howard said that there's a guy there at SIRIUS who is an art collector. He turned to him in a meeting when they were courting him. He said the guy looked at him and told him that he was just like one of those paintings on his wall. Howard said that he knew that they had something there when the guy told him that. He said he had to go with them after hearing that. XM blew it by not hiring him over there.
Howard said that he read in the paper that the merger has about a 50/50 chance of happening. Robin said they've been saying that since the start. Howard said that these people saying that this is a monopoly is ridiculous. He said that the business can't make it if they're separated. He said the merger has to happen or someone is going to go out of business.
Fred pointed out that the Apple iPhone is only available on one service, AT&T and that's like a monopoly there. Howard said that it's interesting because Apple didn't have as many people sign up with their phones as they thought they were going to. He said they claim that they just haven't been able to sign everyone up because they're so swamped.
Artie admitted that he's been texting while driving lately. He said that one of the chicks that he's involved with does that and he's had to respond to her. He said he's learning about that stuff just now. Ralph called in and said that you can't even use the iPhone without signing up for service and using Apple's iTunes. He said that's a monopoly and so is the fact that he only has one cable company that he can use.
Artie has an iPhone but hasn't activated it yet. He said he may just keep his old phone because he's not sure he wants to switch over to AT&T. He said you can make an emergency call with it if you need to though.
Robin read another story about high school kids which led to Artie talking about how he had some friends drag him to Newark where he had to watch their car while they went into a head shop. Then they had him sticking his hands out of the car and banging his fists together which was the sign that they wanted some hits of some drug. He said about 12 kids came running when he did that.
Gary told Howard they had the audio clip from the Raw Dog show that Artie did where he called the Killers of Comedy ''The Hack Pack.'' Howard listened to it and didn't think Artie did anything wrong. Gary wasn't so sure. He thought Artie sounded kind of serious. He cracked that joke and also made a comment about Bob Levy writing a lot of jokes for Dave Chappelle which was another dig at Bob. Artie said he was just kidding around though.
Bob Levy called in and said he didn't know what was going on, he's been getting texted that he's getting trashed. Howard and Artie told him he's not getting trashed. Bob said he'll call the Wrap Up Show but when he hung up, Artie said that no one wants him to call that show.
Robin got back to her news and read through a bunch of stuff. Then Artie was going to give out his phone number because it came up during a discussion about a news story. Artie wanted to give it out just to see who would call it. Howard thought he was nuts for giving it out but he went right ahead and did it. He said the number is (201) 876-3239. He said the funny thing would be if no one called. Howard joked that Benjy had finally gotten his number. Howard said they called the number back in the office and it was busy. Artie said that he just realized that Levy has his number now. Howard wondered if they should put that number up on the PDT (the scroll on the radio). Artie didn't care, he said anyone can call.
Howard asked Artie what else he could give out. He thought about giving out his credit card number and then just canceling the card. Howard told him to give out his home address. Artie was going to give out the address where he grew up. Artie said that people have figured out where he lives and are sending him fan letters. Ralph called in and said that Artie's line was completely dead when he tried to call. He thinks it blew up or something after so many people called. Howard ended the show right after that, around 11:15am.
Howard started off the show talking about the great show they had coming up. He said they always have a great show of course. He then asked Artie about what happened after he gave out his phone number late in the show after being inspired by a news story that Robin read. Artie said that he wasn't even able to get through to check his voice mail for at least 5 hours. He was out shooting ''Rescue Me'' until 11 last night.
Artie said he eventually got through to the voice mail and there were 116 messages. He said it was just people yelling out his name and saying that they couldn't believe he did something like that. He said he could only listen to about 40 of them though. There were some chicks giving him life advice and stuff like that too. The calls came in from all over the country.
Artie said he was walking up to his door at about 11 last night and his phone was ringing so he had to take the phone off the hook. He was going to change the number soon anyway but he has to pull the messages off before he does that. He said he took the phone and put it back on the hook this morning and the phone started ringing immediately.
Artie said he picked up the phone since it was ringing and the guy told him to get to work because he was late. Artie started taking the calls and people were telling him to go to work. Artie said he left the phone off the hook so he wouldn't bother his neighbors since the walls are so thin. He said the fans seemed to be very excited about the whole thing.
Artie said that the fans couldn't believe he did such a thing. Howard told him that maybe he should leave the phone hooked up and let the fans keep calling. Artie said there were a couple of callers who said they were going to have every drunk in the bar call him tonight. Howard said it might be cool to talk to some of the fans. it's almost like his own SternFanNetwork. Artie said he could be like Mutt. Most of the calls were very complimentary according to Artie. He said that there were some about his weight and they were like a wake up call for him.
Howard said he asked Jon Hein what he thinks about Artie being a diabetic. Jon thinks that Artie will be one within a year even though he's fine right now. Artie said he thinks that could be true unless he loses weight. He said that he could lose the weight if he could get motivated to do it.
Howard said he was surprised that Artie wasn't able to do even one pull up yesterday. Artie said he could never do all that many, he could do only about 3 at his best.
Robin told Artie that the bagel he had was actually more like 600 calories after she looked it up. She didn't think it was 900 like Howard said earlier.
Howard took some phone calls about Artie's phone number giveaway. One guy asked if Artie was still giving away trips to Vegas like he did yesterday. Fred suggested that he give one to High Pitch Mike since he seems to need to get laid. Howard thinks that Mike is into chicks but Artie questioned that.
One caller said that his SIRIUS radio has been broken for a little while now and he can't listen to Howard unless he's on hold or something. He said he's been listening to the crap on regular radio and it really sucks. That caller asked for Artie's number since he missed the show yesterday. Artie said it's (201)... but his mouth was full of bagel so he had to wash it down with Hawaiian Punch. He gave it out again after he washed it down. The number was (201) 876-3239.
Artie said he was on the set of ''Rescue Me'' yesterday and he was asking the guys what they do to stay in shape. They were asking him what he was eating and drinking and found out he drinks Hawaiian Punch and burst out laughing.
Bobo called in and said that he saw Artie on ''Rescue Me'' last night and he looked like a beached whale. Artie said that was the whole idea. He said he caught the episode when he got home last night and he said his mother was startled when she saw him banging a nun who was wearing his habit.
Another caller said that he was trying to get through to Artie's machine but he wasn't able to get into it because someone was listening to it. Artie said that's Scott the Engineer listening to them and recording them for the air. Another guy said he tried calling and heard that it was full so he couldn't leave a message. Artie cleared off about 40 messages last night but they filled right back up.
One caller said that Artie's number is going to be the next 867-5309. He said he was calling it a few times and his wife was wondering what was going on. He said he was just calling his new buddy.
Howard played some clips from yesterday's Wrap Up Show where Shuli and Artie were arguing about the ''hack'' comments. Shuli seems to think that because he's been in the business longer than some of the other guys, he's better doing stand-up. Howard cut it off and said that Shuli really took that seriously. Robin said he seemed to have lost his sense of humor.
Howard said he concentrates on his own show and he's not sure what else is going on there. Then he gets this note from Dr. Lew who said ''You're welcome...'' and he wondered what he was talking about. Dr. Lew said that he sent a note back, in caps, and he seemed to be upset about something. He figured Lew was ''yelling'' at him with the caps. Artie had no idea that's what it meant in an e-mail.
Howard said that Lew was upset that they interviewed him for like an hour and he didn't thank him for that. Howard said that he didn't know that he was even interviewed. He said Lew gave an hour of time and he was insulted that Howard didn't call himself to thank him for doing it. Howard figured he feels slighted over that but he really didn't know that they had done the interview.
The guys talked to Howard about what happened and tried to figure out what could have gone wrong there. Artie said that Dr. Lew took time out of his busy schedule to talk about Howard and he figured that Howard knew about it and then didn't hear back from him. Howard said he apologized to Lew over that because he had no idea what was going on and he wasn't looking to upset him.
Howard said Dr. Lew has been his friend since 2nd grade. He even went to college with him and he was his roommate there. He said he's done something wrong and he's not even quite sure what that was. He said he knows that he's a little self absorbed and that doesn't help. He said he read that note from Lew and he started to feel those old feelings about how he really didn't do anything wrong. Then he thought about how Lew might feel and figured out why he might be upset. He said that if Lew is upset, he's upset and he's going to make it better.
Howard wondered if he should get Lew on the phone now. They figured it was too early in the morning to be doing that so Howard told Gary to give him a call around 8 o'clock so they can talk to him.
Howard got to some of the Sal e-mail. He read a few about how messed up Sal seems to be on the show and how he needs to be fired. Some of the fans were correcting Sal on his ''facts'' about Russell Simmons. People were very angry with him and went off on him about the comments he made about Russell Simmons. Other people think that Sal is great on the show when he does stuff like that. One person thought that Howard went really low when he threw in a joke about wanting an emotional friend. That person went off on Howard and the way he talks about the people around him.
Howard said that he got some feedback about Jessica Hahn's appearance on Entertainment Tonight. He said he went back and watched her on there and he thinks that she's looked the best she's ever looked. Robin said that her lipstick was on too high above her lip line. Howard agreed with that and said that she seems to do that to make her lips look bigger.
Howard read some feedback about Joey Boots and how people are sick of him. There was some feedback about John the Stutterer and how annoying he was on the show yesterday. Someone suggested they give him an hour long talk show though. Howard said they might have to do that because he is so outspoken. Howard said he tries to keep John to a minimum on the show so it leaves people wanting more so an hour might be too much for his own show. Artie said that they really should give it a try.
Howard said that someone was upset with the way he handled John by cutting him off but Howard thinks he did the right thing by leaving people wanting more. He read through some other feedback about that appearance and someone thought that they were picking on John too much. Howard said he's going to call John and ask him if he wants to do this radio show. He asked Gary to get him on the line.
Howard read an e-mail about Artie's comments about Shuli and the other guys being Hacks. He said that most people agreed with Artie that they are hacks. There were others who think that Artie sucks ass and those guys are great. Some people went off on Artie for not being funny himself and how he does the same material that he did on his ''It's the Whisky Talkin'' DVD. There was one guy who said that Shuli and Sal were fans just a few years ago and called them assholes. One guy said that Shuli and Sal have to get over that stuff and remove the tampons from their vaginas.
Howard continued to read some of the feedback about Artie and Shuli and it seemed to go on forever. Some people picked Artie apart since he was ripping on Shuli and the guys.
Fred thinks that he might need someone to help guide the show along. Artie suggested they get Anne Coulter on the show. John said that he loves the idea and he'd be up for doing it. He said that he would debate people like Anne Coulter if he had the chance.
Tim Sabean came in and said that they'll try to do it this coming Monday. Howard asked John if he wants to do it solo or if he wants a co-host. Howard asked him to just answer yes or no to make it go quicker. He asked John about the co-host and John couldn't give just a yes or no answer. He said that he would like one and maybe Lisa G could do it.
Howard asked him if he wanted to debate people like G. Gordon Liddy, Bill Bennett, Anne Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, Debbie Schlussell, George Bush, Scott DePace and others. John would answer ''Yeah, yeah, yeah'' instead of just saying ''yes.'' That led to Fred doing his impression of that ''Yeah, yeah, yeah.''
Howard said he thinks that John should do a show himself and he might not even need a co-host. Tim Sabean wasn't so sure about that. Tim said he'll call John after the show today and talk to him more about it. Fred suggested that they have Ralph as a co-host. John said he'd do that and he could even read live commercials. Howard welcomed John to their family of announcers and let him go. Tim said they'll do that on Monday at 7pm (on Howard 101).
Howard played a few John the Stutterer song parodies but had to cut them off saying he'd had enough of that. Robin told Howard that his voice was very low today and it seems like it's gotten even deeper lately than ever before. Howard said that he had the worst voice when he was younger and now that he's relaxed, it seems to be getting lower. He said he's so relaxed these days that he can fall asleep on the show. He had to go to break after that.
Artie said that he really liked the 19 year old and he knows that's creepy. Howard said he saw that chick, Andie Valentino and Charlie Laine and they were very cute. He said that Andie had the biggest ''beef curtains'' he's ever seen though. Howard said that they were all Majoris, not minoris. Howard said she didn't seem to care when she was talking about it though. Howard said that he doesn't have that issue with Beth. Artie thinks that Andie won't have to deal with that problem until she's like 35 years old.
Howard said that show will air on Howard TV tonight with ''bonus footage.'' He also said that he was talking to Beth about that last night and she said that she didn't get why they had them competing. Howard said he told her that she didn't get it and that was the funny part.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that they edited the show yesterday and it was great. They have bonus footage of the girls riding the Sybian without being interrupted. The show should be available tonight after Midnight. Howard said that they had a picture of Andie's lips and they really were huge. Howard said they looked like balls. Artie said that they looked like rabbit ears. Howard said they should make that their logo. Richard came in and said that he's known about her for a few months now and he thought it kind of ruined it for him. He said that he didn't know how big they were.
Artie said that Steve Langford was there and he was really getting under his skin. Richard said that he and Artie took a nap and Steve stuck around with his microphone waiting for them to come out. Artie said that Steve was reporting everything, even the food he was eating there on the set.
Artie said that he wanted to go out and find a nice cold store to hang out at and they found this ice cream store. They went in there but there were tons of kids coming in and screaming. Artie ended up having a fluffernutter to eat. Richard said Steve didn't know what that was so he had to ask Artie what was in it. Artie figures that he had about 5,000 calories worth of food yesterday.
A caller asked Artie about his show down in Atlantic City and if he actually went back stage and puked like he said. Artie said that he didn't puke but he did dry heave. He was about to explain it but Richard cut him off and talked about this sandwich they saw at the restaurant which was a donut cut in half with a beef patty in between. Artie said it was a fun ice cream parlor so they had all kinds of stuff like that.
Artie said that he had 3 cokes with his fluffernutter sandwich. Howard and Robin sounded shocked by that. Artie went on to talk about how he had gone home around 11 last night and had some more food since he hadn't eaten in a few hours.
Richard said that Artie went back and napped after he ate all of that crap at the ice cream parlor. Artie went on to say that Richard was supposed to be in the casting area but he let him come back to his trailer to sleep. Richard slept on the filthy carpet while Artie napped on the couch.
Robin asked Artie if his character has grown since his last appearance on the show. Artie said that he's just playing the asshole cousin of this guy on the show. Howard jokingly said he heard that they had to build the set bigger for him. Howard asked him what he thinks he weighs now. Artie said he has no idea and he knows he has to get himself together. He said he figures he's more than 303 pounds at this point.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that the guy on the phone was over 300 pounds and he just gave Artie advice on his eating. The caller asked Howard to get Artie on the scale but Artie won't do that these days. Howard said he's really curious now. Artie won't do it because it really bothers him.
Sal said that if Artie gets on the scale, he will let Richard lick his taint. Richard said that he's not going to do it, he said that Sal can lick his taint instead. Sal told Richard that he has to do it because he came up with the idea. Richard wasn't going to do it. They came up with some other ideas like Richard sticking his finger up Sal's ass but Sal wasn't going to do that.
Artie told the guys to come up with something gay and he'd think about it. The guys couldn't get on the ''same gay page'' according to Artie. He threw out a few more ideas for them to do to get him on the scale. They wanted Sal and Richard to wrestle naked but Sal seemed to be against the idea. Richard said that it's Howard and Artie who are pushing this gay stuff on them so the fans shouldn't write in and complain about them, they should complain about Howard and Artie.
Sal eventually agreed to kiss Richard's taint. Artie said that he wants to see a real smooch there before he'll actually get on that scale. Sal asked ''What the fuck was I thinking?'' as he was getting ready to do it. Artie said it had better not be a lame kiss.
Sal said he wasn't sure he could do this and told Gary to get a bucket. Richard got on the couch, completely naked and Sal started to dry heave. He hadn't even started yet and he was puking already. He was dry heaving and vomiting into the bucket.
Sal eventually went in and kissed Richard's taint but Artie said it wasn't long enough. Sal was still puking. Artie asked to see a replay from the Howard TV guys. Richard let him know that it did kind of smell down there because he hasn't showered for a couple of days and he took a shit this morning. Sal said Richard looked like a happy retard sitting there on the couch. The Howard TV guys replayed the clip and Artie said it was good enough for him to get on the scale.
Artie asked how many shits Richard had taken since he last showered. Richard said it was probably 3 times. Artie was grossed out by the whole thing. Will said he was about to puke too because the smell was so bad.
Artie thought it was funny that Sal came in there and wanted Richard to kiss his taint but ended up doing that to Richard. Howard asked Artie to get on the scale and it came out to an even 300 pounds. He had actually lost weight since the last time. Richard said Sal did that all for nothing and laughed.
Artie said that he knew that he wasn't going to be all that heavy but he wanted to see Sal do that whole thing. Sal said that he probably lost it doing heroin but said he was just joking. The guys talked about how gross Richard's ass was for a short time before Lisa G came in.
Lisa said that Jackie Martling is going out to shoot a sitcom pilot out in Hollywood. Howard said he doesn't believe that for a second. Fred didn't believe it either. Gary said that he bets that Jackie is going out there and filming something but it's not actually in Hollywood and it's not for a network. He said that's the kind of stuff he does. Artie said that the name of the show, ''The Pikers,'' sounds kind of familiar to him. He wasn't sure what it was.
That all led to Fred playing a bunch of Jackie laughs and some of his old jokes that they used to play on the show. Artie said that telling jokes the way Jackie does is really hard. Gary looked into it and wasn't able to find any pilot by that name being filmed for 2008. Howard siad that he wants a full investigation into that.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she heard that Jackie is doing the pilot for Morgan Fairchild and it is for one of the smaller networks. She asked Artie not to cut off his phone number before she leaves a message. Artie made some comments about her having a fat ass before she got off the phone. She hasn't been too hapy with artie lately.
Lisa said that next Monday is Artie's day and he's supposed to be getting on some bus to drive around. Artei said he didn't know about that. Lisa said it was suppsoed to be a surprise but now it won't be much of one.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's going to have to watch this Howard TV episode to see Sal and Richard doing the taint thing. He said it's gross but he just has to see it. Howard watched it again when the Howard TV guys showed it in super slow-motion. He said he now knows what he's going to put on his Christmas card this year.
Howard was playing some porn audio clips when Gary told Howard that they had some audio of Artie having sex with the nun on ''Rescue Me'' last night. Howard played that clip and Artie said he couldn't believe how far they let that go. Howard said he might have to watch that show. Robin said it sounds pretty racy to her. Artie said the chick was hot too. He said that she has a great body. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said he had a weird clip from Entertainment Tonight. They had this woman Gina Glickman on the show and she's the ''Lindsay Lohan family insider'' who was out talking about how Lindsay wasn't even wearing her own pants the night she got arrested. Howard played the clip and we hear Gina saying that the cops didn't see Lindsay driving, they just assumed she was. She also claims that they strong armed her into taking a Breathalyzer. Then she claims that Lindsay didn't know whose clothes she was wearing. Robin said that woman was amazing coming up with those stories.
Mary said that she's just not in as good a shape as she was. She mentioned her mom's suicide attempt and how she was finally able to get some good help once they said that she was going to be on the Howard Stern show. Howard said he heard that Judy was upset with him because he set her up with Gary the Retard to go on a date. She said that she was upset about that. Howard thought she was retarded because that's what Mary told them.
Judy said that her church friends don't like that she talks to Howard. Howard figured they don't like what Mary does for a living either. Howard said that Judy must know that her daughter does porn. She said she does understand that. She said that her only problem is that she's schizophrenic. She said that she's not retarded. She said she just has an imbalance of the brain.
Howard asked Judy why she tried to kill herself. She went into an explanation about her friends and how she only had one and ended up getting depressed and went out on a balcony on the 4th story of a building and jumped. Howard said Mary was getting upset as she was hearing this. Mary said she got the phone call about her jumping and it really shocked her. She said she was in her own self absorbed world at the time. She said she's been taking care of her mom for a long time now.
Judy talked about her jump and how it felt as she was ''flying'' before she hit the ground. She said she was knocked out for a short time and eventually came around. She ended up hitting feet first and hurt her feet, legs and hips. She was in a wheelchair this morning.
Howard said Mary thinks that her mother got smarter after the fall. Mary said that she knows President's birthday's. She threw out a couple of names and she knew their birthdays. Howard asked her some math questions and she knew those answers as well. Howard said Mary was wrong about her being slow, she's just got this schizophrenia.
Howard asked Judy about her flight from the fourth floor and how that was. She said it was fun for the first two stories. Judy said she just wanted to die and didn't question why she was doing it. She said that the fourth floor was the highest she could get over there. Mary said that some people watched her doing it and saw her jump. Howard asked why she wouldn't do it in some way that she wouldn't possibly hurt someone else. Judy said she checked before she jumped.
Judy said she got on a chair and climbed on a railing and then just jumped. She didn't have to think about it. Mary said she got the call and they told her that she was in critical condition. Judy said she just wanted to die at that point and didn't really care. Howard asked Mary if she thinks that this is the reason she's in porn. Mary said that she now realizes that having her in her life means a lot to her. She said that she and her mom get to travel together now.
Howard heard that Mary was dating the neurosurgeon at the hospital to help keep her mother in longer. Mary said that she didn't even like the guy but she went out with him to help her mom out. Mary said she's become addicted to Xanax because of her depression over this whole thing. Howard asked Mary what else she's on because he was a bit loopy this morning. She said she was drinking last night.
Howard gave Mary a plug for her web site MaryCarey.com but she said she hasn't been concentrating on herself lately and it's not as hard core as it should be. She said you can see her naked on there. She said that's nothing new though. She said she's still in a fight with Mariah Carey over the name thing too.
Howard asked if Judy would be into dating anyone else on the show. She said she's not interested after the Gary the Retard thing. Judy told Howard that he's very nice but she doesn't need his help dating. Robin asked her how many times she's been married. She said she's actually been married and divorced twice.
Howard told Judy she's very lucky to have survived that jump from the fourth story. He said that's amazing. Mary and Judy were constantly high fiving during this interview so Howard asked what that was all about. Judy said that Mary was just fooling around this morning. She said she doesn't really do that all that much in their regular life.
Mary said that she's working on a TV show and she's hoping that it can get her out of porn. Her mom is hoping that will get her out too. Mary said she will be able to announce something in about 3 weeks if it all works out. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Howard asked Ronnie what was up with that. He invited 5 female interns and just one guy. Ronnie said that most of them look at him like he's a mutant. Howard said that's because Ronnie goes out of his way to make friends with the female interns. Ronnie told Howard to mind his business. Howard told him to leave the interns alone and just stand out there in the hall.
Howard told Ronnie to invite all of them or none of them instead of picking just a few. Ronnie said that they're all invited then. Howard told him this kind of thing embarrasses him. He said that Ronnie making friends with the female interns only is kind of strange. Ronnie said that they're all invited then. He was all irritated and going off on Howard for picking on him like that.
Howard said Ronnie drives like he acts too. He jerks the car all over the place and he's just in a mood all the time. He said that the interns gave him the ''Biggest Flirt'' award because he's always messing around and talking to the girls. Howard asked Ronnie if the underage interns are going to be watched to make sure they don't drink. Ronnie said they're all over age but Gary said that Ariel is under 21. She's only 20. Howard told him to make sure she doesn't drink there.
Howard thought it was odd that he only talks to the female interns but Ronnie said that Dan the intern talks to him so it's not just girls. He said that he's not sure why the girls talk to him more than the guys. Gary said that the girls are very pretty this semester too. He also said that there are 9 male interns and there are only 5 girls. All of the girls are invited to his party but only 1 guy is.
Howard said that Ronnie goes out of his way to talk to the girls because he's such a charmer. He doesn't need Ronnie knowing all of the interns. Artie said that this proves that Ronnie is no homo. Howard had an audio clip where Ronnie was talking about how he hates guys and that's why he treats the girls better. Howard asked Ronnie what he's doing out there, this is a job, not a social club. Ronnie said that he doesn't socialize with them every night, it's just one party.
Howard said that Ronnie just wants to hang out with the pretty girls, that's all this is. Ronnie told him he's right. Ronnie said he's going to have hundreds of people at this party. Howard said he would never invite interns to his parties. Ronnie said he had Stuttering John at his parties so he's full of shit. Howard said that was after John had been there for many years.
Ronnie claimed that he was just out there minding his own business but both Howard and Robin told him that was bullshit. He's not just minding his own business, he's talking to the interns. Howard asked Artie what he thinks about this. Artie said he thinks that Ronnie wants a bunch of hot chicks at his party, that's it.
Ronnie claims that this has nothing to do with their looks. Fred asked if there was something special about this guy Dan that Ronnie is inviting. Gary said that Dan is the guy who gets everyone breakfast in the morning but Ronnie said he doesn't get breakfast from him. Howard said it looks suspicious when all of the girls get invites while the guys don't.
Ronnie told Howard not to bring his personal life into this. Howard told him that he's bringing his job into his personal life, they're not bringing his personal life into this. Ronnie walked out of the studio at that point. Howard ended up playing some clips from last year's block party where Ronnie was singing karaoke style to the crowd of people there. Artie got a laugh out of that. Ronnie sounded like he may have been drunk at the time and got the lyrics wrong in every song he sang.
Howard saw that Ronnie had locked himself in Scott's studio and wouldn't come out. Howard said that's fine. He said that Mary Carey is still out there and Ronnie isn't watching her. Artie said that she's bouncing all over the place out there. She had him in a head lock when he was out there. Howard also read that Sal was hanging out with her but then found out that she had walked back to their office and bothered them so Sal was off the hook.
Howard played more of Ronnie's karaoke singing and goofed on him about that. He said that Ronnie and Sal are just about equals when it comes to that kind of stuff. Doug Goodstein came in and said that Ronnie had locked himself in a green room. They ended up talking about how Ronnie has booked a stilt walker for the party. All of the neighbors invite like 100 people each so the place is packed.
Howard said he wanted to do something nice. He brought up Christopher Reeve and his wife's death but got sidetracked when he thought more about Ronnie. Ronnie came back in the studio and Howard told him he needs to apologize to the interns for what he did. Ronnie said he doesn't give a shit if he looks bad or whatever. He told Robin that she does the same thing so he doesn't know why she's going off on him. Robin claimed that she doesn't single people out of a group like he does. Some people might argue that though.
Ronnie said he has this party every year and he doesn't get what the big deal is. Howard told him that these are college students, not ''Ronnie's Angels,'' that he's inviting to his party. Ronnie said that he's inviting all of the interns then. Howard told him not to do him any favors. He told Ronnie he's a baby and he needs to get over it.
Richard came in and said that Ronnie had a bouncy house last year and he was jumping around in it. Ronnie said he didn't have one. Howard asked Ronnie if he's going to go sleeveless to show off his tattoos this year. Ronnie said he's going to go naked.
Howard had one of the interns come in to talk about how he felt about this. The guy said that he talks to Ronnie quite a bit and he was kind of pissed that Ronnie didn't invite him. Ronnie said that he wasn't sure why he didn't invite him. He didn't have a problem with this intern. Gary said that this kid, Steve, has been there for two semesters so Ronnie should know him pretty good now. Ronnie said that Steve hasn't looked at him like a mutant, like other interns do, but he hasn't seen him around lately.
Ronnie told Howard to move along and get back to the Christopher Reeve thing. Will came in and said that he likes how all of the girls ''have to'' talk to Ronnie and all of the guys are afraid to talk to him. Will asked Ronnie how he was going to deal with the underage interns because he didn't know how old they were. Ronnie was ready to throw some shit out on the table about him after Will said something about Ronnie wanting to molest these girls.
Ronnie said that he had some stuff that would have his fiancé throwing the ring back in his face. Howard and Artie told him not to go there, there's no reason to do it. Howard said he was trying to save both of them by stopping it before it got out of hand. Will asked Ronnie to apologize to him but that wasn't going to happen.
Richard asked Ronnie if he's going to show the interns his NASCAR stuff in his basement. Ronnie joked that he was going to give them private showings. Ralph called in a short time later and asked what's wrong with Ronnie inviting just a few of the interns. Howard told Ralph that he's a senior staff member there and it's very odd that he's only inviting the female interns. He said it doesn't look right. Ronnie said that if he was inviting the interns alone, to his house, it would look weird. He's inviting them to a block party. Howard said that Ronnie doesn't get it and doesn't understand what they're talking about. Howard said it's just the fact that he's invited five women and no men. He wasn't saying that he was going to do anything sexual.
Robin said that he shouldn't be fishing for hot chicks from the interns. Ronnie said he was sorry and asked if that's what Howard wanted. Howard wasn't asking for that though. Howard took a call from Yucko the Clown who asked Ronnie if he wanted to have a real clown there. He said he'd juggle Ronnie's balls if he wanted. Ronnie already hired one though.
Howard took a call from a guy who went off on Ronnie about all of this stuff. Ronnie ended up yelling at that guy too. Howard said that it just isn't right what Ronnie is doing. Dominic Barbara called in and said that this could turn into a legal thing and all of the male interns could end up owning his house. He laughed as he was saying that though.
Richard said Ronnie won't look Steve in the eye. Ronnie said he talks to him every day though. Howard took a call from Captain Janks who said that this is almost like the Studio 54 of SIRIUS with Ronnie picking out the people he's letting into his party. Will said it should be ''Studio 64'' since that's his age. Ronnie was ready to go to the mat with Will and throw some stuff out about him. Will told him to calm down, this is just a show.
Howard took some more phone calls and let some people go off on Ronnie. One guy said that Ronnie must have run away yesterday when they were doing push ups. Ronnie said that he was downstairs while that was going on, that's why he didn't come in.
Richard said that Ronnie should be happy today, he got to have lunch with Artie yesterday and he was in a great mood. Howard asked Steve if he would be his eyes and ears at this party of Ronnie's. Steve said he'd do that. Howard read that Ronnie had invited the Penthouse girls from yesterday to his party. Ronnie said that was horse shit and he didn't invite them anywhere.
Howard asked Ronnie if he knows the name of that song he was singing in the karaoke thing earlier. Ronnie said he knows it's the ''Hokey Pokey'' even though he said ''Hopey Kopey'' in the performance. Howard replayed that and then goofed on Ronnie for being like Charlie from Charlie's Angels. He had to go to break after that.
Robin brought up a story about Beyonce falling off stage and how the video was taken off of YouTube after her record company requested it. She had requested that the fans not post it there and they did it anyway.
Howard moved on to Mike Walker who was waiting to play his gossip game. Howard said Mike must be having a field day with this Lindsay Lohan thing. Mike said they are having some fun with it. Howard said it must be tough to do this gossip stuff these days since so many people report on that kind of thing. Mike said that it is tough these days. Howard asked if they ever get upset over there that they didn't try that Entertainment Tonight format with the National Enquirer thing. Mike said he did have a show and it didn't last. He said that they had to water it down from what he really wanted so that's why it didn't last.
Howard had Mike move on to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard had some nice things to say about the Intern Show from last night. He played a clip from the show where one of the interns talked about how he saw Benjy eating from the garbage after he had thrown out a bunch of other trash in the can. He saw Benjy come out with the salad that he had thrown away and knew that it had come out of the can.
Howard asked Benjy what's going on there because that's pretty gross. Benjy said that makes him sound gross. Benjy said he asked the guy not to throw it out and didn't know that there was other stuff on top of it. He thought he just had papers on top of it. He didn't know the guy had thrown out wipes and stuff on it.
Jon Hein said that they'll be talking about Richard and Sal's gay stunt from earlier this morning today on the Wrap up Show. Howard figures that show is going to be huge on Howard TV once it goes up. They played a clip from that segment for the guys to watch while they were talking about it. That should be up on Howard TV tomorrow night.
The guys noticed that Richard was all shaved down in his crotch area. Richard said he likes to keep it clean like that. They also noticed something else going on down around his ass and it looked like extra lips or something. He figured that it was because he sits on the toilet too long. Howard told him he might just be so gay that he's getting a vagina down there. That led to the guys talking about Richard's hygiene for a short time before they got back to Jon Hein.
Jon said that they'll talk about Mary Carey and her mom's visit today. They'll also be talking about Ronnie's block party controversy.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Scott Ferrall impression. Howard let him do that for about 30 seconds before hanging up and talking to Mutt from Superfan Roundtable. Mutt said they're going to have R.J. The snorer from earlier this week. He said they're going to talk about the Hack Pack as well. Mutt said they're going to talk about the A La Carte pricing plan that SIRIUS has in the works if the merger goes through with XM. Mutt said that he has print outs of everything and found that if you're not a Stern fan, you can get cheaper plans. If you want Howard, it's still going to cost $12.95 a month.
Howard said that he was going to put up a picture that someone sent in for the Sad Sack Pack of Artie, JD and John the Stutterer. He showed it to Artie but Artie was about to fall asleep. Howard told Artie to go out and take a nap if he was that tired.
Howard found out that Artie's number was dead already. Artie said that he had already changed the number. He said that they got some messages to play already so that's all he wanted. Howard said he had some of the messages and started to play through some of them.
Howard got Mutt back on the line and asked if he had any more to add. Mutt was all done and just got in a plug for the show which airs tonight at 7pm on Howard 101.
Howard played some of Ronnie the Limo Driver's karaoke performances before getting to the Leslie West stuff. Howard said he hadn't heard the whole album yet. He played one track and said he got chills when he heard it. Artie suggested another song so Howard played that and started to sing along. Robin asked him not to do that until the next verse. She wanted to hear him singing.
Howard heard that Bubba the Love Sponge was outside so he told the guys to bring him in. Bubba and his wife Heather both came in. Howard told Bubba he could leave and Heather could stay. Bubba said he was at Scores last night and Lonnie came up and gave him a great talk up with the strippers trying to make him look really good. He really does give some great introductions.
Artie said he got a great talk up from Lonnie one time. Lonnie told the girls that Artie was in his favorite movie, ''Dirty Work,'' and one of the girls said that her favorite was ''Lethal Weapon 4.'' Lonnie grabbed her arm and told her that tonight it was ''Dirty Work.''
Howard was going crazy for Heather so Bubba was instructing her to show some side boob because it was very sexy. Howard told Bubba he did very well with her. He asked them if they wanted to hang out during the news. Bubba said that would be cool.
Bubba asked Artie what happened with him and Akira. Artie said nothing happened. Howard asked Heather why she doesn't do her. She said that she knows her too well and that her being with Spice Boy is too creepy for her. Bubba told Howard that he and Heather had brought in another girl with them one night but Heather didn't seem to want to talk about it. Bubba was ready to talk about it but Heather wasn't. Howard asked how they met this porn girl that Bubba was talking about. Heather said she didn't want to get into trouble by saying something.
Bubba said this was a dancer who was in town doing a feature. He said that he didn't have her on the show but he did make something happen with her. He got to fuck the chick while Heather licked his balls. Heather also went down on her and the stripper went down on her as well. Heather said she's fine with that as long as Bubba is honest about it all. Howard said he'd like to have a tape of that.
Howard said that if he fucks his wife on the air now, he'll have Sal lick his asshole. Bubba changed subjects and said he thinks that Joey Boots is full of shit and he's not gay. He thinks he's just trying to get some attention with that stuff.
Bubba said that this stripper he was with has even called heather a couple of times and wants to hook up again. Howard told heather she seems to be getting even more attractive. Bubba had some other chicks with him this morning so he had them come in. Shelly was there and came in to say hello. Howard said that there are a lot of hot chicks down there in Tampa. Bubba had a bunch of guys with him so he introduced all of them to Howard. He had his race car owner and some other friends with him.
Howard thanked the friends for coming in and then got back to Bubba. He said he's going to take Bubba out and talk to him about some stuff. They spent a minute on that before Robin got back to her news.
Ralph called in and told Heather that she needs to get rid of the sneakers she's wearing because it was ruining her outfit. They had a picture up on HowardStern.com so Ralph had seen that.
Howard showed Bubba what Richard and Sal did this morning so he could get his reaction. Bubba said that Howard and his show have jumped something, he's not sure if it's a shark or what. They talked about Richard's asshole and how odd it looks. Howard asked Bubba about Heather licking his balls and how that all worked. Bubba said that he was on top of the chick doing her missionary style when Heather came in from behind and licked him. He said that pushed him over the edge and he blew his load. He said he was wearing a condom but ripped it off and blew his load on the chick's belly.
Bubba was trying to help Artie out by hooking him up with some chicks but he thinks that Artie needs to get his shit together first. He said that he could have had Akira if he wanted but something didn't work out there.
Howard had Robin get back to her news but he took some phone calls too. One guy asked for Heather to get into a bathing suit but Heather turned down the offer. Bubba said she was feeling bloated. Artie offered to stand next to her so she wouldn't feel so bad. She still didn't want to do it so Howard dropped it.
Bubba had some advice for Howard as far as the threesome thing goes. He said that you have to let the girls control the whole thing. A caller asked Heather if she's ever stuck a finger into Bubba's ass. She said she has done that once in a while. She said that he's on the line about that and he's not a big fan. Bubba said that he's not ''Bubba Boots'' or anything like that.
Howard said that some of the guys were thinking that Bubba had some work done on his face. Bubba said that he does get Botox injections but no surgery. He said that he has to look good since he's so fat.
Joey Boots called in and asked Bubba why he thinks that he's not gay. He said that it's really frustrating to have these guys saying he's not gay when he is. Joey said he got a ton of mail from people who said that they came out after hearing him do that and he's not lying about it.
Howard took a call from Grover who said that Bubba was saying that his sister can do oral really well. Bubba said that Spice Boy went out with her and he told him about it. He doesn't know it first hand. Bubba said his sister is a pretty girl and Spice Boy snuck into the house one night and fucked her. He was only one room away from him too.
Howard had Robin get back to her news and she brought up a story about obesity and told Heather to be careful since she's married to a fat guy. Bubba said he could feel Artie's pain in this room after that comment. He told Artie to be part of his show and he'd never do anything like that to him.
Howard was asking Bubba about the gift that Hulk Hogan had given him and found out he has that bowl in a dining room they never use at their house. Heather also said that the worst gift they got was probably the candle thing that Ralph had given them. Ralph called in a short time later and went off on Heather for saying that about his gift. He was going to thank her for the nice thank-you note he got but he cursed them out instead.
Ralph said that he didn't think it was a shitty gift either. He told Bubba ''fuck you and fuck your wife too.'' and hung up. Bubba said those were fightin' words right there. Howard said it sounded like Ralph was pretty pissed too. Ralph never hangs up like that.
Bubba said that Ralph's mother lives just 31 miles north of him so he might have to retaliate for what Ralph just did. He said that he might have to go slash some tires up there. Howard told Bubba he can't be doing that, Ralph is his bro. Bubba was pissed about the ''fuck your wife'' comment so that's why he was saying that stuff. He said that he may have to go kill Ralph's mother now. He pointed out that the news had become deadly this morning.
Robin got back to her news but Howard only let her get through a story or two before he got back to Bubba and his wife doing that stripper chick. Bubba was telling Howard that he and Heather got out of there after they fucked. Bubba said that the hotel room was a mess before they even got there. The chick had a party there the night before so it was a disaster.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Hulk Hogan is going to be on QVC selling a grill. Bubba said he wasn't going to bring that up, he didn't want to bury his friend like that. Wheels called in after that and said that Bubba is jealous of David Letterman. Bubba said that Heather is a big fan of Dave's and she's going to see him tonight. They talked about that for a short time and Bubba said he can't go there because they don't want anyone who might cause a disruption in the audience. He wondered if Dave is going to pull her back stage and do something with her. Howard, pretending to be serious, told Bubba that he thinks Dave is going to pull Heather aside and have sex with her back stage. Bubba got all wound up over that and said that he doesn't think that he can let Heather go over there.
Bubba asked Robin if she's backed out of the racing deal they were going to do. Robin said that she was ready to do it but they haven't come to her and set her up to race him. Howard asked her if there was anything else so he could get the show done. It was after 11 already and he wanted to get out. He took a couple more phone calls before the show was over. Bong Hit Eric called in at the last minute and said that he watched the episode of Howard TV where Sal showed his pouch even though he said he wasn't going to. He said his curiosity got the best of him. Howard wrapped up the show and ended it around 11:10am.
Howard started off the show welcoming everyone to the show. He said he had Riley Martin coming on the show today. He said they also have a guy who will shave his girlfriend's head. He mentioned they had a new CBS TV show coming up Saturday night as well.
Howard played a quick Stuttering John interview with Ted Williams. Howard and Robin spent a short time talking about that guy and how he had met Mike Piazza when he was young and told him he was going to be great some day. Howard and the guys also talked about some other baseball players.
Howard brought up his parents anniversary which is coming up on the 50th. He said he doesn't want to celebrate that because them coming together was nothing that great. He used to pray that they'd divorce when he was a kid. He figured that if they did that, then he'd only have to see his father half the time. Some kids would hate to have their parents split up but Howard said he would have been fine with it.
Howard said he was thinking about who might be a great dad and Tom Chiusano came to mind. He said he might be as dull as a rock but he has a great relationship with his son. Gary thinks that having just one kid was a good idea too because he can spend all of his time with the one.
Howard figured that his father doesn't know his grandkids full names. He said there's no way he'd know their middle names even though he knows their first names. He wouldn't know their birthdays either. Howard said he knows his kids names of course but his father wouldn't know because he doesn't care.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard's microphone was letting out a hiss and it sounded awful. Howard thought they sounded okay because they replaced his. He played with his board and showed how there was noise coming from Fred and Jackie's microphones though. He has to cut them off during the show to cut down on the noise. Robin said that the company had to know that they needed all of those mics to be used.
Howard brought up Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman because they were in the news this morning. That led to Howard and Robin talking about them and how they're appearing naked all over the place.
Howard said there was another article in the paper about how bad he sucks but meanwhile he's number one in New York City. He said he got a note from Vinnie Favale over at CBS who sent him a copy of a memo that went around about how he had increased his ratings. Howard tried to get it but his computer wasn't starting up.
Howard said that the newspapers like to slam him because they call him a nationally syndicated show and they have the lowest ratings. He said that's because he's only on in 50 markets. He said that CBS says that he's number 1 or number 2 in every market he's on in on a CBS station though.
The caller told Howard that he had a phony phone call but the guy was kind of boring Howard. He let the guy play the call and he ends up talking about a hail storm and yelling out ''Baba Booey'' a bunch of times. Howard told the guy it was pretty funny. The caller said that the anchor was laughing as he was doing it.
Howard talked about news anchors and how old some of the women are looking there on the local New York stations. Howard also talked about how many hot chicks there are walking around New York City during the summer. He said they don't reflect that in the news though. He said they need to grab some hot chicks from the street and stick them on the newscasts. He said he'd watch the news if they did that. He wants someone dirty too, not someone like Deborah Norville who's all prissy.
Howard read that Larry ''Ratso'' Slomin is a creative consultant in the magazine. He said he didn't know what was going on there. They also had Hank the Dwarf in there. He went on to read through the Jackie article for Robin and it turns out Jackie is going to have his own column in the magazine where he'll be writing everything from jokes to recipes.
Howard started looking at the girls in the magazine and had to stop before he got too distracted. He had to go to break a short time later.
Gary said that ESPN covered some women's soccer games and they did better than some hockey games. They found out that even car racing gets better ratings than hockey. Howard wondered how hockey players must feel when the hear that. Howard said that race car drivers are always claiming that driving is hard but it's really not. Howard said that even he can drive.
Gary asked Howard who he thinks is more of an athlete, a bowler or a race car drive. Howard said it's the bowler. He and the guys talked about some other sports as well but Howard said his microphones sounded really bad. He went on about that and complained about the way they had them set up at the couch too.
Howard took some phone calls after that. One guy said that he was watching the CBS show and he was wondering if Howard could help him out with a date by letting him go out with his daughter. Howard told him no and said that he's way too cool for his daughter.
Howard said that laugh goes on every 30 seconds or so. He played a bunch of clips of her doing the laugh and did an impression of it as well. He said that laugh must be like a nail going into Regis' brain when he hears it. Howard said that Regis must brace himself every time he's about to hear that.
Howard said that he loves Chris Rock and had a new clip from his stand-up. He played the clip where Chris was talking about crazy people in this world and how people have to find something to blame for them being crazy. Chris wondered what Hitler was listening to on his CD player that made him crazy like the Trench Coat Mafia guys were. Howard said that Chris will be coming in there soon and he really digs him.
Howard said he saw Jerry Seinfeld the other day and asked him if he's retired. He said Jerry has a bunch of things going on even though he was done with his TV show. He said he didn't spend a lot of time with him because he didn't want to talk too much. He said he did think he looked relaxed being away from that TV show.
Howard said he was talking to his father the other day and he actually suggested that he start drinking. He thought he'd be more relaxed if he started doing that.
Mike Gange came in and told Howard that when they took Gary out on a date with a retarded girl, he scored about a 20. Howard questioned Gary again about whether or not he's in a retard league and he finally admitted he was. They give them a little bit of a handicap in the game. Gary didn't say how much that handicap was but it's probably somewhere close to 100. Howard asked Gary to please not play darts.
Gary mentioned he was going to be at a KUFO event out in Portland, Oregon. He'll be hanging out with those guys out there. He also said he wants to come on the show soon. Howard told him they'll have him in soon. Gary was saying that he needs someone to help him make money too. Howard told him that the guys from KUFO should be paying him. Gary said they don't and went back and forth with Howard and Robin a few times after they told him that they should be paying him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Roddy Piper was putting out some challenge to him. Howard said those wrestling guys have been after him to do some stuff with him but he's not sure he wants to do that kind of thing. He figured that's where these challenges are coming from. He said they're just trying to entice him into doing something with them. The caller played the clip of Roddy doing his thing and telling Howard that he wants to challenge him to a match because he's the cause of what's wrong with the youth of America or something like that.
Howard ended up goofing on a bunch of different wrestlers and said that they're all scripted so he doesn't take that stuff seriously. Howard said they do have Stone Cold Steve Austin on the show but he's good because he talks like a normal guy. He said the guy talks about his divorce and stuff like that. Howard let the caller go because he had Riley Martin on the phone.
Riley said he's now working at a chicken egg farm up in Washington, New Jersey. He goes around talking to the chickens and collecting eggs. Howard asked Riley if he could score some coke up there. Riley just laughed. Riley said that you just sniff chickens and no coke. Howard asked if that was part of the deal he made to get out. Riley said that it was thanks to his lawyer Angelo that he got out and got to work at this farm.
Howard said that Riley seems to be much happier now that he's out of jail. Riley said that he basically talks to chickens and collects eggs up there at the farm. He said he's actually starting the job tomorrow. He's waiting to do a movie, which will be done eventually, so this is what he'll be doing. Howard let Riley go a short time later.
Howard had Riley's lawyer Angelo on the phone so he talked to him for a short time. Angelo said they worked hard to get Riley out of jail. They had to find him a job and that's how they came up with the egg collecting thing. Howard said that was a nice thing for Angelo to do. He thanked him for that and let him go. Howard said they were going to go to break and then play a game when they came back. He explained the game to Robin but he had it wrong himself.
Howard said that if you go to work every day, you shouldn't even be thinking about the Mayor. The guy was saying that he gets thrown up against the wall 5 times a day doing what he does. He also said that he's a fan of Howard and his fight for the freedom of speech.
Howard played another clip of Chris Rock doing his stand-up act. Then he got back to this game they were going to play. Jackie played this game at some hotel he stayed at and thought it was pretty cool. You tell people two true stories about yourself and make up one. Jackie put together a couple of stories and Howard collected a few from other members of the crew so they could play. It turned out to be a half hearted attempt at a game but the true stories turned out to be pretty interesting. Here are Jackie's:
Trey is the bassist in the band Hourglass Sally but works as an office equipment salesman for Toshiba as a real job. Howard spoke to the two of them for a few minutes and noticed that Becky the girlfriend was getting excited when he asked her about getting topless. Either that or it was cold in the studio. She's not a stripper but she didn't have any problem taking off her top for Howard and the gang. She pulled off her top and kept if off for about 15 seconds according to Gary. Gary applauded her because they were so nice. Howard just said ''Wow! They're nice!'' when he saw them.
Howard then went on to play a few quick bits of Hourglass Sally's songs. The music was good but Howard wasn't impressed with the singer's Eddie Vedder-like singing. One caller called in and said they sound ''...like Candlebox on crack.'' Robin said she was actually getting sick listening to the songs. Howard gave Trey some advice by saying ''Be nice to your boss at Toshiba.''
Howard eventually got Becky to show him her thong so he'd play another track off the CD. She gave him a quick view so he played the track. You can find out more about the band at HourGlassSally.com.
She told Howard that Jan Michael is missing and she wants to get him some help. She claims that he's been drinking and abusing prescription drugs lately and he's having problems with his liver. She said that she recently spent $17,000 on rehab for him.
Lisa also claims that she wants to marry him even though he beats her up when he gets drunk. She even claimed that while she was pregnant with their child he beat her and she lost the baby. Yet she still wants to marry the guy.
Howard couldn't figure any of this mess out so he asked Lisa to put her mother on the phone. Her mother was in the other room so Lisa got her and put her on with Howard. Lisa's mom has never met Jan Michael but said she's spoken with him on the phone a couple of times. She said that he's a sweet guy from what she can tell and that perhaps Lisa can make him happy enough to get off drugs and booze. That didn't solve anything so Howard spoke to Lisa a few more minutes.
Howard asked her what she wanted him to do to help. She didn't have any requests. She just wanted to let everyone know what was going on. Howard had better things to get to so he let her go.
Frank and Sean came in with a black dwarf whose nickname is Beetlejuice. They call him that because his head is so small and he looks like a character from the movie ''Beetlejuice.'' Howard spoke to Beetlejuice a little bit and wondered what was going on there. He said he didn't want to spent the whole show on this. He said Beetlejuice has a tiny head but Beetlejuice said he thinks it's large. Frank explained where the name came from but Howard but him off and said he was obviously drunk. Howard explained who Frank was an dhow he had been on the show before.
Sean said they found Beetlejuice in the neighborhood by where he lives. Beetlejuice told Howard that he's actually the tallest in the family. He has some brothers and sisters and he claims to be taller than all of them. Beetlejuice claimed that his parents weren't dwarves but the rest of his family was, but then contradicted himself and said that he was the only one. Howard said the headphones looked like they were going to crush Beetlejuice's head like a walnut.
Howard got Frank's girlfriend Patty in the studio to find out what was going on with her and Frank today. Patty is an ex-stripper who has been going out with Frank the dwarf for 2 and a half months. She said that she was crying this morning because Frank had cheated on her... again. She said that this is about the 5th time he's done that and she was upset. Howard was amazed that Frank can get laid that much being a dwarf. Frank denied that he's cheated on her. Howard had the two of them kiss and make up but it didn't seem to help much.
Benjy came in at one point and told Patty that he'd treat her right if she went out with him. She said she might be interested and within a few minutes she agreed to go out with him. Frank got pissed and said that Benjy wasn't going to touch his woman. Benjy said he'd fight Frank for her. Patty told Frank it was over and then admitted she once slept with a bouncer after finding out that Frank cheated on her. That pissed off Frank even more.
KC said he's never seen Jackie so amused by something. Jackie said there was a lot to figure out there. Howard had to end all of the fun so he had Sean give his plug out. You can see pictures of the dwarfs at JollyDwarf.com.
Howard was going to go to break but ended up listening to Type O Negative covering the song ''Cinnamon Girl.'' He said he loved the cover and said he could tell he was going to be addicted to it. They went to break a short time later.
Howard thinks he's right as far as not wanting to cut certain women's hair just because he specializes in a certain cut. He told the guy that perhaps he should just go about telling people in a different way than he did. Howard said he'd just tell the women that he doesn't think he could do the right type of cut for the women. Howard asked him if he'll cut fat chick's hair. He said he has no problem with that. He said the person just has to look good with the hair cut he does.
Howard wrapped up with Giovan and gave him a plug for his shop. He only charges about $35 per cut and said he really doesn't need to make that much money because he enjoys what he does. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard asked if it was okay for a woman to use her foot on him and if that would be considered cheating. Robin said there is some confusing things about oral sex and how that may not be considered cheating. Howard said even his mother didn't think that oral was considered regular sex.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Benjy had called her and asked her to call in to talk about oral sex. She said that she once refused to give her man oral sex and he didn't talk to her for 3 and a half years. Howard let her go and took some more phone calls.
A caller told Howard about how movie theaters are giving out tickets to the wrong movies to help themselves out so they don't have to pay money to George Lucas for his Star Wars movies which cost more than other movies. Howard said he could see that happening but he doesn't know for a fact that they do that. He had Robin start her news a short time later.
Stuttering John came in and suggested another song that Howard might like but Howard kicked him out saying that he was confusing everything. He said he always does that. Howard went on to play a version of a song that they play on MTV that he and his kids like. He said that song isn't the same one they have on the actual album though. The song was kind of gay so KC told him to never call him gay after revealing that he likes that song.
Howard played the album version of the song that he likes and he said he would never like it if it sounded like that. He said there are a lot of songs they do that with and he doesn't get it.
General Manager Tom Chiusano came in late in the show with good news. Howard is still number one in the ratings for New York City with an 8.5 rating. Second place was news station WINS with a 6.4. Howard has been number one for over 5 years in a row.
Howard got back to the Type O Negative thing and Stuttering John told him he opened up for them one time and the whole band pumps up with weights before the show. Howard said that Joe Perry and Steven Tyler do that too. He spent a couple of minutes talking to John about that and playing some other songs before he had Robin get back to her news.
Robin read through a bunch of news stories and Howard ended the show around 10:20am (Master Tape Theatre time).