Howard was back from vacation this morning and started off the show talking about how he was getting his updates from everyone before the show. He said hello to George Takei who was sitting in today. He said that he'll be sitting in all week. George said it was good to see everyone and he was happy to be there live. He went on to say that he and his man Brad came into the city yesterday and saw Artie on a billboard for his comedy show down at the Borgata. He said his cuddly muffin was greeting him coming into the city.
Howard said that he was sitting there playing with his balls and penis because he did such a great job shaving it. He asked George if he does that. George said he goes au natural and doesn't shave down. He said that he's been with Brad for a long time and there's no reason to do that. Artie asked him if it looks like a terrorist is blowing him when Brad is down there. That got Howard laughing quite a bit.
George went on to tell the guys that he started turning grey down there first and he told Brad that he had to take him the way he was. He said that it's up to Brad if he wants to go down there so he has all the power as far as that's concerned.
Artie said that George was telling him that he got a nice visit from Leonard Nimoy and it means a lot to him. Howard said that's because Leonard is a nice guy while William Shatner isn't all that nice to him. George went on to say that Leonard came out to a fund raising dinner for him out in San Francisco on Saturday night. Robin said that they should have invited all of them to the event too. George said they really should have. He thinks that Howard would have been adored by the people there.
George said that Leonard presented him an award there at the event. Artie said that seemed to make George glow as he talked about it off the air. Howard asked how that came about. George said he was asked who could do it so he suggested Leonard and he said he'd be happy and honored to come out and do that. George said that he gave an inspiring speech when he presented the award.
Howard said he would have done the speech in a gay voice if he was Leonard. Artie did some jokes that he could use but went a little too far for Howard. Howard went on to play some George Takei audio clips and song parodies to have some fun with George. They had some new stuff that made George laugh. Howard welcomed him back to the show and said he wanted to save some of the discussions for later in the week since he's going to be there all week.
Howard played a new song parody for Riley where they took the ''Close Encounters'' UFO contact sounds and put Riley's voice to them.
Howard said there was some exciting news over vacation about how WCBS was back playing oldies in the city. He said that Cousin Bruce was interviewed and he was excited about that. Howard went right into his Brucie impression and goofed on him for a few seconds. He said that Brucie was only on the air once a week but they interviewed him before any of the other regulars that used to be on that station. He did his impression for the guys for a short time and had some fun goofing on him.
Howard said that people are already complaining about the CBS-FM oldies format because they're not playing the same stuff they were playing before they changed format. Howard said he thinks that they tried a bluegrass station there at SIRIUS and found that no one was going to listen. Gary said he thinks it's still there though.
Gary said he heard that Robin said something about black people being fat is because of slavery. Robin said that's not what she said. She explained what she actually said and then Howard played some audio clips from the show. When she was on Robin was talking about how people should eat healthier and that's what she's doing. Howard wondered if black people could relate to the Martha's Vineyard Diet. Robin said they probably couldn't.
Howard goofed on Larry a little bit as he was playing the clips from his show. He eventually got to the part in the show where Larry asked Robin why there are problems with obesity in the black community. Robin said she didn't really have an answer for that. Howard interrupted and played some Robin song parodies with her moaning. He said that Dan the Song Parody Man was bored for two weeks so he had a bunch of new stuff today.
Howard got back to the Larry King clip where Robin was talking about how blacks might have some problems with obesity because of their diets back in the slave days. That led to the guys talking about how the Japanese people used to be thin until they got Americanized and got fast food over there. Now they're getting fat just like Americans. Robin said that's happening all over the world.
George was saying that he goes over to Japan once in a while and he can get around just fine. He said he's going over there next month for the largest international Sci-Fi convention. He said that he isn't called Sulu over there though. He said everyone else's name is the same but his is different. He said that they changed it from Sulu to Kato because there was no Sulu surname over there and they wanted to change it. He said they call him Kata-san in the replays there. Artie found it amusing that the only thing they didn't find plausible in the show was Sulu's name. They fly around in a space ship but they had to change his name because it wasn't real.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if he would be able to perform if he had a threesome that Beth agreed to. Howard said he thinks he could do it but he's really not sure. He said it would be pretty weird in some respects. He said that Beth would really have to want it for him to be into it. Robin thinks that it would ruin the relationship. Howard said it really could be fun and they probably had a few chances but Beth really doesn't want to go there. He said it's just not going to happen.
The caller also asked Howard if he could do the threesome thing or fly out to California to do an appearance for a million bucks. Howard said he'd do the threesome thing. The caller started to play an audio clip that no one knew so Howard hung up on him.
Another caller asked George to calm down on the attacks on William Shatner. George said he wasn't attacking him at all. The caller didn't have a specific thing to bring up but insisted that George attacks him each time he's on. George said he says positive things about him each time he's on the show but also points out that his ego is huge.
Another phone caller was trying to say something about Bubba's show but his phone connection was awful so Howard had no idea what he was talking about. Artie kind of got it and said that he's heard that Bubba is trying to get someone at SIRIUS fired and that guy wants Bubba fired and there's this whole feud going on there. Robin said it's some skateboarding guy, Jason Ellis or someone like that. Artie said that when Bubba is mad it's hilarious.
Howard said Tim came in and told him about this Bubba thing and tried to explain it to him before the show started this morning. Tim said that Bubba is afraid he's going to get fired but no one is threatening that. He said that Bubba is always worried about being attacked by management but he really doesn't know what's going on.
Howard said that they fly Bubba in every couple of months just to get him off the paranoia thing to show that they love him. Robin said she was listening one day and they were talking about Beth and Brent threatened to walk off the show if they continued to talk about her. He wanted nothing to do with the conversation and was afraid that it was going to work out badly for them if they continued.
Gary said that Brent really thinks that they're getting fucked with by ''corporate'' even worse then when they were at Clear Channel. Howard said he had no idea all of that was going on. Howard said they really seem to get upset when they're told that they can't take a guy and electrocute him and then rape him. He said that he's really not their boss either even though they seem to think he is. He said they call him their boss but he didn't hire them, SIRIUS did.
Howard said that he really likes Brent and he'd hire him in a second if anything ever happened to Gary. Bubba knows that Brent would leave too so that kind of upsets him as far as the guys know. Artie said that Bubba is also in a fight with Bob Levy and there were threats of a fight there too. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard played a couple of new George Takei song parody clips and then went on to say that Sal and Richard made a prank call to a funeral director to see just how far they'd be willing to go doing something weird. He played that call where Sal was playing Ed while Richard was playing Edwina and their father's name was Ed as well. Howard said he's amazed that anyone thinks that Richard is a woman when he's doing that woman's voice. He sounds nothing like a woman.
In the call Sal asked the funeral director if they could dress their grandfather up in a clown outfit because he played a clown as a job. They also asked if they could put the casket in a dunk tank. The funeral director wasn't sure if they could do that. They then asked if they could have a closed room because their grandfather was a nudist and they'd like to have him nude. The funeral director asked them to come in face to face because this was getting a little out of hand. Sal started to crack up after Richard told the guy that their grandfather had balls that hung down about half a foot. The guy asked them to come in for a face to face consultation but they pretended that they were really upset. Then Sal went too far and said that their grandfather liked to have kids pee on him and the guy hung up.
Howard took a phone call from a woman who said that she really liked the roast replays last week. Howard said they also ran that music special a couple of weeks ago and that came out really well. They're working on a History of the Howard Stern Show that will run for two weeks sometime soon. The woman on the phone asked when they were going to roast Sal because he might be the perfect subject at this point. Howard said he thinks that they should do that. Howard said he is kind of like a wounded animal right now so it's the perfect time to attack.
Lisa asked Artie how his meeting with Dr. Keith Ablow went. Artie said he spoke to him a couple of weeks ago and he told him to call him whenever he has a stressful day. He said he may call him tomorrow because he has to do Conan O'Brien tomorrow night. He said he wants to talk to Dr. Keith about why he has so much anxiety when he does things like that. Howard told him it's because he has to go on a national TV show and be funny.
Artie said he talked to Dr. Keith about this pressure he feels and they're trying to work on that. George was telling Artie that he could use that stress to his advantage. Artie said that's what he's been doing but it's killing him. Artie said that he's afraid that he could be less funny if he goes through this therapy but then he said that Howard doesn't seem to be any less funny since he started going to therapy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got Us magazine and saw that Beth was in there. Howard said that she's got a full page in there. The guy said that he rubbed one out to her picture even though he had gone to the bathroom to drop a deuce. Howard said he's going to tell Beth that tonight. The guy said that he's usually in the bathroom for like 25 minutes but he was out of there after about 52 seconds and the bathroom didn't stink so his wife must have been kind of surprised.
Howard said he went to an event out in the Hamptons for Beth the other night. He said he was miserable but he does it for her. Lisa said that Beth was saying that she thinks the wedding will happen next summer. Howard said he's the one who was saying that. The guys saw Beth's ring in one picture and talked about how huge it was and how she shows it off like she won the Super Bowl or something. Howard said she deserves it after what she's had to put up with.
Artie said Beth looked really good in the Page Six picture they had the other day. They reported on Howard and Beth saving an injured bird they found on the beach. Howard said that they were walking on the beach and this big bird wasn't able to get up and fly. He said that it looked like the bird had done a ton of JD (Jack Daniels) and it was just fucked up. He said that Beth is miss Animal Rights and she had to do something about it. He said the bird was really big and they later found out it was a Gannet. He said that the bird was almost as big as their dog.
Howard said that Beth called a bird sanctuary and they told her to get a box and keep the bird in the box so the water wouldn't come up and drown it. Howard went out and got some boxes from the garage at the house and drove back to the beach. He had to ask the cops not to ticket him because he was saving a bird. Howard said that there were other people walking the beach and just ignoring the bird. He said there was one woman walking the beach topless. He said that was kind of odd because it's kind of a family type area.
Howard went on to explain how they were trying to keep the bird protected from the water rushing in. They were pushing sand up and trying to save it. He said he didn't want to grab the bird because it was in so much distress. The people from the Hamptons Wildlife Rescue just in the nick of time. They wrapped it in a towel and took it away. Howard said he was scared shitless and didn't know what to do so he was glad when they took it.
Howard said they found out the next day that the bird had died. Then he found out that it was a Gannet and that they live out on the open oceans. He said that they never come to the beach but that one was under some kind of stress and now they're studying it to see what's killing them off.
Howard said they went to this wildlife rescue thing and found out that they don't have any money. They're really looking for money. He said that they're strapped for money so much that they buy equipment for each other for Christmas. Howard wasn't sure how that ended up in the newspaper. Robin said that it only happens to Howard too, it would never happen to Artie. He'd never find a distressed bird on the beach.
Howard said he went home after that and said that he wasn't able to eat chicken after the whole bird thing. He said that Beth kept bringing it up and he wasn't able to eat because she kept saying she couldn't eat it after they just saved a bird. Robin said she ate a pigeon while she was over in France. George said he ate a goat down in New Orleans so Artie threw in that he ate a pizza in New Jersey. Howard said he ate three Jews over in Germany. He said they taste like chicken.
Gary said that Jason bought his girlfriend diamond earrings at Christmas and she thought for sure it was a ring. He said that she opened them up and started balling when she saw it wasn't a ring so he had to make up for that by doing this. All of that led to Artie talking about how he has no one to roll with but JD because everyone else is in a relationship. He said that he and JD are the only single guys left on the show.
The guys ended up talking to Jason about his depression medication and found out that the side effects of Lexipro can be impotence so he was prescribed some Viagra just in case. Jason said he doesn't have to use that stuff but he did get the prescription just in case. Jason is only 28 so Howard talked about how young that seems to be. He seemed to think that was pretty young to get married too. Howard said he really likes Jason a lot and congratulated him on the engagement.
Lisa G got back to her news preview and said that Russell Simmons had said a big F-you to Howard recently and he was just upset that he can't come on the show. Howard said he's been on the show before and he's not sure why he went off on him so bad. He said that Russell seems to be a deep thinking guy and he didn't think he'd even want to be on the show. He was on Jay Thomas' show and really went off on him there. He said he'd play the tape after the break. He went to break right after that.
Howard said he read in the paper that Imus is making a come back to radio in the fall and he's out at comedy clubs looking for black people to come on the show to make him look good when he returns. He quickly went over that and said he had a lot of stuff to get to. That led to Robin asking what Fred did over vacation so Howard threw in the ''Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred'' song and asked Fred what he did.
Howard said that Fred is very patient to sit there and not say anything in an hour and 40 minute. Fred said he was trying to teach his daughter to swim over vacation. She's only 4 1/2 years old and she doesn't quite know how to hold her breath. Howard thanked him for the update and moved on saying that was fascinating.
Fred said he thinks that Howard is actually going out and injuring those animals he's found on the beach. He thinks he has that Van Munchousen's disease or whatever it's called.
Howard had an audio clip from the Rachel Ray show where she throws out a comment about SIRIUS satellite radio. She said that she's a Howard fan and she has to have one. Howard thought that was very nice.
Howard said that he went to that party for Beth the other night and he did some stuff for Extra and they asked him to cut some lines for them. He refused even though they kept pressuring him to do it. He said he thought about Robin's lines from that show and he just couldn't do it. He played some of her clips from the show where she said some goofy lines for them.
Howard said that they tell you what they want you to say and it's all very gay. Artie said the way to combat that is to throw in the C-word in the middle of it. Howard said he just refused to do it. He said his segment hasn't aired yet, he just taped it on Saturday. He went on to say that Mark McGrath is the host on that show and he used to be in the band Sugar Ray. He was interviewed on some show recently and had some nice words to say about being a fan of Howard Stern's. He said that's what he listens to in his off time.
Howard had some audio from Jay Thomas' show where Russell Simmons went off on him. Russell said ''fuck Howard'' after Jay mentioned his name. He went off on Howard and Gary for a few minutes and said that he just wants to get on the show but they won't let him. Jay wouldn't bad mouth Howard himself but he let Russell go off on him for a few minutes.
Howard said he did say hello to Russell the other night and he didn't say anything to his face that night. He said that was before he did Jay's show. He said he was over at Ron Pearlman's house for this party and there was no food so he had to leave early. He said he missed Billy Joel and John Bon Jovi performing there too. He said he just wanted to go home, eat and go to sleep. He's not the partying type. He said he was meeting all kinds of famous people there but he just couldn't hang out.
Howard said that Beth asked him if he wanted to go out and eat while they were waiting for the food. Robin figured she did that just because she knew that he was miserable. He wasn't sure that was the reason but said that could have been it.
Artie said that he wants to take everyone out and go see Joe Walsh out at the Beacon and then go out to dinner afterward. He said that it's in August and on a Thursday night so he thinks that they could handle it. Howard said that he'd do it if they were going to go to Scores or something.
Howard said he usually just goes to those parties with Beth because she likes going out doing that stuff. He could sit home and read chess books the whole day instead. Artie said he was watching the original ''Lolita'' movie and said he was thinking about Howard because they were playing chess in the movie. He wondered if Howard makes comments to people when he's playing to make them feel like shit. Howard said he doesn't do that because, when someone makes a mistake, he has a better chance of winning.
Artie and Howard were talking about the chess thing and George asked where Howard meets these people. Howard said he finds them on a Chess site he visits. They talked about how great this world is now that we can play games against people all over the world like that.
Artie told Howard that there was a cool mention of him on ''Entourage.'' Howard said he had that clip and played it. They made a mention of a tranny in the scene and said that she goes on Howard Stern all the time. That led to George and Robin talking about that episode since they had seen it. They said that they showed the tranny's junk in the scene but George thought it was CGI and not a real penis.
Riley asked to speak to George Takei. He said some stuff in Japanese and George tried to speak to him in Japanese but Riley didn't know what he was saying after a few basic words. George said that he and Riley both have Howard using clips to make stuff up. Howard said that Riley doesn't have the same sense of humor that George does though. He said Riley gets very upset with them over stuff like that.
Howard told George about how Riley was abducted by aliens so that led to Riley talking about his dealings with the space aliens. He said he will be in the studio tomorrow and he'll get to meet George. Howard said he's looking forward to that because he hasn't seen him in quite some time.
Riley said that he would like Howard to spring for a dinner for he and his guest but Howard said he won't do that. He said that he has nothing to do with what they pay him there but Riley seems to think that he makes enough to pay for a dinner. Howard said that what he makes has nothing to do with him. Howard said he doesn't owe him anything and he's not concerned with the kind of money he makes. Riley said that he should do the right thing and pay him what he deserves.
Riley said that he doesn't make enough money there and he would like Howard to kick in a little extra. Howard told Riley to listen but Riley threw in a ''fuck you!'' and tried to say something to him. Howard cut him off and said that he sounds silly asking for money from him when he's not the one who pays people. He said that SIRIUS pays Riley and if he wants to do a show there, then he can do it. If he wants to leave, he can leave. Riley said that he would just like a $100 dinner for two and he'd like Howard to pay for it. Howard said he won't do it. He said he has nothing to do with his pay. Riley said ''Bullshit'' to that.
Riley said he does the show there because he has to get the word out to the people because we ''don't have a lot of time... motherfucker.'' George said that doing stuff like this isn't the right way to endear himself to the people out there. He said he thinks that he really was abducted and they scrambled his brains. Riley then went off on George for insulting him. Howard pointed out that he had two people who really speak weird talking to each other.
Artie asked Riley if he's going to not come in if he doesn't get a free dinner. Riley said he can get a hot dog out on the corner if he has to eat. That's all he can afford on the kind of money he's making there. Howard said that they think that Riley's show is funny and that's why they have it on there. He said he has nothing to do with what they pay though. Riley went off on Robin a bit too after she said something to him.
Robin asked Riley why he needs money if he knows the end is coming soon. He said that he can't eat and pay the rent on the kind of money he's making. Howard said that if he was really abducted he could use some of the alien technology to make money himself. Riley said he doesn't have the resources to do that stuff because he doesn't make enough money. He apparently needs money to make money.
Howard said that they'll have Riley on the show tomorrow and they'll learn even more about him. Riley told George that he broke his heart today. He accused him of calling him the N-word but George said he never said such a thing. Riley said it was as if he was calling him that by the way he treated him earlier. Howard told him to drink a lot before he comes in tomorrow. He was trying to wrap up with him but Riley kept talking and talking.
George said that he heard Riley speaking but he's really not sure what he said. Artie said he said ''Blah, blah blah, blah blah blah blah... uhhh, blah.'' Howard tried to wrap up with Riley but Riley continued to go off on him about the kind of money he gets paid there. Howard said he has nothing to do with that but Riley refuses to believe him and said ''bullshit'' again when he told him he has no control. Riley told Howard that his personality is about as big as his dick which is nil. Howard finally got him to say good bye and said they'd seen him tomorrow.
Howard said he wouldn't want one of those phones before everyone because they have to work out some kinks. Artie said that Jim was telling him how everything is a touch screen and he thinks that could get kind of sloppy. Howard said that maybe that would stop Artie from eating so much if he had one of those phones. He said the phone looks cool though.
Howard played more of High Pitch Mike's interview with this guy who flew in from Miami just to get one of these phones from the Apple store there. Mike said there must be something better he could be doing with his life. The guy said there really isn't anything better he could be doing. Howard played another interview where Mike asked a guy on line why he was waiting. The guy showed up on a Segway so everyone laughed when they heard that. The guy asks Steve Jobs to come out with a ''gen 2'' version. Mike also asked him why he didn't wait for a couple of months before buying this phone. The guy said that he wanted to wait on line with the other people, that's why he was there on the first day it was available.
George said this is no different than someone waiting on line, the night before, for a movie. The guy that Mike was interviewing on the Segway said that he lives next door to his mom after Mike asked if he lives with her.
Artie said he went to this club and he had met this chick one other time. He said that she told him that she had coke one other time he was out there. He said that she's like 25 years old or so and she's pretty hot. He said she looked hot but she was wearing boots that looked like something from the 80s. He said that she had those acid washed jeans and stuff like that. He said the first time he met her he was with Dana. This time he didn't have Dana with him. This chick ended up figuring out what name he was staying under at the hotel, Sal Caprio, and she was able to get a hold of him.
Artie said that he did this Heinz Hall show early this night and then went to the Funny Bone to do a late show. He went to this hotel in between the shows and he found some messages on his answering machine. He said one of the calls was his mother telling him that it was going to rain the next day. He explained how he had actually driven out there to Pittsburgh on his own and how great it was to be able to listen to SIRIUS on his way out there. Howard cut him off when he was talking about the kind of commercial they should do for SIRIUS.
Howard told Artie to get back to his story so Artie told him about how this chick found his hotel room and left a message for him. Howard asked if she's just ''road hole.'' Artie said that she must know that she's just ''road hole'' but he did tell her that she could call him if she's ever in New York. Howard said that Beth's brother actually asked him to get that ''road hole'' term in on the show so that's why he threw it out to Artie.
Artie said that he got the chick's cell phone number and went to this Funny Bone show. He met two other hot chicks there who wanted to hang out. They had drugs too and he said that everyone out there ''in the mid-west'' must have drugs or something. He said one chick told him that she had everything he could want in her purse. He said he told the one to meet him at the Funny Bone.
Artie said that he was the biggest dick ever to the fans because there were just too many people back stage. He said he had to ask the people to get the fuck out of the green room because he couldn't get his head straight. He said he had to apologize to one chick who said she wasn't a fan anymore after that. He said he managed to get done with the show by about 1:30 in the morning. Howard asked him how he stayed up that late. Artie said that it's the adrenaline that keeps him going. That plus the Jack and water.
Artie said that he had to take care of getting everyone paid so he asked Teddy to take care of the chicks. He said he got their numbers and stuff. Howard told him that's not what to do, he should have told them to meet him somewhere. Artie said he tried to get this one chick on the phone but wasn't able to get in touch with her. It was like 2:30 in the morning by that time. He left her a message and she didn't call back. Then he tried calling the other two chicks and couldn't get a hold of them either. He said one of them finally called back. He said that she told him that they were with a friend of theirs who was a dude.
Artie said that this was the chick who had drugs in her bag so he said that could solve a few problems there. He said that it would wake him up if he took it. Howard told him that would have been a bad idea if he had done that. Artie said he didn't do it, he just told the girl to come over. He was afraid that she was going to have coke or something else like that. The chick never showed up to his room. He ended up calling the other chick back but she wasn't there either so he just went to bed.
Artie said he went out to lunch the next day and got on the road to get out of the city. He got stuck in a traffic jam leaving the city so he called that chick who found him at the hotel under ''Sal Caprio'' and found out she was free for lunch. Artie said that there was no lunch, he said she answered the door ready to play. She was wearing a leather mini-skirt and a Ramones t-shirt with her belly showing. He said she was really, really hot. She made a few drinks and they started fucking around. He said she blew him and he fucked her twice. It was kind of awkward though.
Artie said he wore a rubber with her. He came three times with that chick. He said he hopes that she threw out the Ramones shirt because he blotted out Johnny. He said he used it to clean himself up. He thinks he came on Dee Dee Ramone.
Artie said she had some weed and that stuff is no big deal to him. They put on SIRIUS Classic Vinyl and smoked a little bit. He said he had a little Jack and smoked a little bit and hung out for a little while. He said he took her out to dinner later on. He said he had some chicken parm and that was perfect after the joint. He said that he even called her after he got home.
Howard asked Artie about getting naked in front of this chick even being as big as he is. He said he did do it but she put the shades down for him. He said that she had the lights down and she still did him after watching him putting on a rubber. He said that's not so easy to do being as big as he is. He said that he took her thong off with his teeth because she had such a nice ass. He said he went down on her after that and didn't even care if she had the herps or not. He said that if pussy is the thing that ends up killing him, that would be a cruel joke.
Artie said that he lasted about 4 minutes the first time and about 12-15 minutes the second time. He said she told him she came but he really doesn't care either way. Howard asked Artie if he makes noise and tells the chick he's dropping his load. He said he thinks this chick would marry him if he asked her to. He said he's kind of known her for 3 years now.
George said that he only gets it about once a week these days. He used to be able to come more than once a day but these days it doesn't happen. He said that in the past he was able to come 4 or 5 times in one day. Artie said that this story had gone all wrong with George talking about coming. Artie said his mother isn't going to like that he smoked the pot. He said she thinks that weed is a gateway drug so she's going to be upset with him about smoking.
George asked Artie if he's going to go visit her again. He said that he'd rather fly her out to New York. He said he really liked the chick who wasn't able to make it up to his room that night.
Tim came in and said that there are certain bits that they do on Bubba's show and they can't do some stuff that Bubba wants to do so they have to let him know that. When they tell Bubba that, he thinks that they're out to get him or something. Tim said that no one wants to see anyone get hurt so they let Bubba know that stuff and he gets frustrated. No one is out to fire him according to Tim. Tim said he thinks that Bubba is paranoid about stuff like that because of the things he's gone through in the past.
Howard said that he heard Richard yelled at some kid in a theater recently. Richard said he and Jon Hein and JD went to see Transformers and this guy brought these two kids, who were probably 3 or 4 years old, to the movie. The little girl was crying and the guy let the kid run up and down the aisle to calm her down. Richard said he got so fed up he just started yelling at him to get the kid out of there and the guy actually got up and left.
Howard heard that Richard went down to Atlantic City and did a comedy show and Beetlejuice ended up in his room. He said that they ordered a pizza and Richard and his girlfriend ended up passing out drunk before the pizza showed up. The next morning the pizza box was there but Beetlejuice disappeared. Howard said he could never fall asleep in the same room with Beetlejuice being there. Richard said that he opened the box and saw that the pizza was almost gone but Beet must have paid for it and ate it himself.
Richard said he never saw Beetlejuice until they were getting ready to leave. When he opened the door Beetlejuice was just standing there staring at the door. Gary said that Richard took a Greyhound bus down there and they had all kinds of disgusting things going on when they were coming back. Richard said that it was $31 round trip and they give you $20 when you get there so it's like an $11 trip. He said that he thinks that they should do the next Survivor on a bus going across country.
Richard said he got stuck listening to some old dude with no teeth who was telling him about this book about religion that he wrote. Richard said he got stuck next to that guy on the way home and his girlfriend had to sit somewhere else. Then Richard said he pretended to fall asleep while the guy was talking but then this woman threw up as she was walking down the aisle. He was sitting right near the bathroom so he got to hear her puking for about 10 minutes.
Howard said he heard that Joey Boots was on the Superfan Roundtable talking about how he had made out with Richard one time. Richard said they just touched tongues but he didn't remember the whole thing. Howard went on to play the clip from Superfan Roundtable where Joey talked about how he and Richard just touched tongues. He said they just twirled their tongues around a little, that was it.
George felt Sal's balls and then felt the area where he had something in the pouch. George thought it was one tooth so they had him feeling Sal's penis over and over again. Howard thought Sal was getting hard but he claimed he was actually getting smaller. Sal eventually pulled the item out of his pouch and it turned out to be a battery. Sal and Richard started cracking up but George seemed amazed at the things they do there.
Howard told Sal to try again by shoving something else in that pouch. George said he's had some feelings about these guys being gay. He said his gaydar goes off with them. Sal was cracking up as he was shoveling the next item in his pouch. He told George what could be in there and had him feeling his cock. George wasn't sure where he had the thing so Sal told him it was in his penis. George had the choices of Breath Mint, Toy Teeth or Guitar Pick. George guessed it was a breath mint but it turned out to be the toy teeth. George seemed amazed that he was able to fit that whole thing inside his penis pouch. Then Sal took the teeth and put them in his mouth.
Howard asked George why it was so hard to figure out. Sal is able to fit in some really bit things in there. Sal shoved yet another thing in there but Artie wasn't watching and wasn't saying a word. Sal told George he had the choice of a pen cap, paper clip or a screw. George felt his pouch again and said that it was a paper clip. Sal took out a screw. George thought that must have been painful but Sal didn't seem to have a problem shoving in that pouch of his.
Howard said he'd like to rename the game to ''Can we get George Takei to touch Sal's penis.'' Will asked George if that could be considered cheating. George said it's all for fun and Brad is listening so he knows what's going on there. George told Sal he had no idea that Sal had such a versatile cock. Howard couldn't believe that George played that game.
Bong Hit Eric called in and asked the guys not to play that game again. It was too gay for him. Howard said that it was a very gay game and it shows that Sal and Richard are gay right along with George.
Steve Langford came in and gave his Howard 100 News preview. He mentioned that Butch Patrick has a new book out that claims to have a foreword by Howard Stern. He didn't get a real one from Howard so he just took some quotes from the show and used his name. Howard said he was asked to write a foreword but turned it down and just quoted his show. Howard said he doesn't know why they'd do that. He said he could probably sue half the world at this point but he really doesn't care at this point.
Howard said that the new Miss Howard TV was there today so she came in. This was Jamie Hilfiger who was there for the Hottest Regular Chick contest not too long ago. She's Tommy Hilfiger's niece and Benjy was the one who found her. She'll be introducing the Howard TV stuff for August. Howard asked her what she wants to do for a living. She said she wants to be an entertainment broadcaster. Howard told her that Artie is the guy she might want to talk to because he has all kinds of connections. Artie said he's not sure he has time but he'd check his schedule.
Artie said he might have a job for her because he knows an EP over at a basic cable channel. That might be a good stepping stone for her to get into the business. He said he'd like to meet with her at room 2102 at the Four Seasons hotel. Howard told Jamie to ''head for zee hills'' before she got involved with Artie. She then revealed that she has a boyfriend so Howard said that the job offer just dried up.
Jamie told the guys what she was going to be trying out as far as clothing so Howard told her to go get changed and he'd check her out to see if it was a good look. Howard said she should wear Steve Langford's tie and nothing else.
Howard had Steve get back to his news preview. Steve said that the guys were caught off guard that Robin was going to be on Larry King's show. They'll be looking into why it was such a secret. They'll also be talking about High Pitch Eric's eviction case. Steve said that Ralph was bashing the music special on SFN over the holiday vacation. Jon Hein said he heard about that and wondered why Ralph would do something like that. If he didn't like it there was no reason to post something like that.
Jon Hein gave his Wrap Up Show preview after Steve was done. They'll be talking to George about his return to the show. They'll also talk about everyone's vacation stories. That led to Howard asking Robin about her vacation to France and how she went with a few other women. She said they didn't stay in the same room or anything like that.
Jamie came back in dressed in her bikini. Artie said that she was hot as hell and giggled when he saw her come back in. He said he likes the ''compact'' girls like her. Howard told her she's got to wear that outfit on the Miss Howard TV thing. Howard asked her about her boyfriend and told her she needs a man who knows what he's doing to drive that Ferrari body of hers. She said that she's known the guy since high school. Howard told her she needs and overweight 39 year old to take care of her. Artie told her what he'd do with her and it was basically what he did with the chick from Pittsburgh.
Howard asked Jamie if she's ever had an orgasm. She didn't want to talk about that stuff and asked him to move on to the next subject. She said that she's very happy with her boyfriend. She claimed that she didn't have any money but she drives a new Mercedes. She said that her father bought her that after she lost her last car. She said he owns a construction company.
Artie said that the only problem with these Miss Howard Stern chicks is that they're all taken. He said they need to get some single chicks. Jon Hein said he just stuck around to check her out and didn't have anything else to add to his Wrap Up Show preview. Artie told him to go home and NOT masturbate to that. He said he doesn't know how Jon can't jerk off to stuff like that.
Sour Shoes called in during the news and said he wanted to play some Abba songs in honor of George Takei being there. Sour Shoes did some ''Dancing Queen'' for him and threw in some George Takei clips. Howard said he got an email from someone asking if Sour Shoes was autistic. The writer thinks that he shows signs of it in the things he does. Sour Shoes didn't answer himself, he broke into song and asked his mom to sing along with him. He started to sing again but Howard hung up on him saying that he just wanted an answer. He figured he may have hit on something by asking about the Autism thing.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he got a vasectomy and it wasn't nearly as bad as he expected it to be. Howard said he'd like to get that done but he's heard that it might increase the chance of prostate cancer. The guy said that he's not in any pain right now but when they stuck the needle in his sack it did hurt. He just had this done last Friday. Howard said he's very sensitive down there and he doesn't even like when a chick touches his sack. He said he knows one guy who likes to have a chick smack his balls while tugging on his sack.
The caller was only 32 and doesn't have any kids so that's why he went ahead with this thing. He said he wanted kids when he was younger but as he got older he realized he didn't want any. His 24 year old girlfriend doesn't want any either. Howard told him that she might change her mind, she's still young. Howard told the guy to give him a call after he drops his first load or whatever he drops after an operation like that.
Howard and the guys all thought that the 24 year old is too young to be saying that she never wants kids. Artie said that he once told Dana that he hated dogs but that didn't stop her from getting one. He said it wasn't even just a dog, it was a Wooly Mammoth.
Another caller told Howard that he had a vasectomy and it was no big deal. He was able to have sex 4 days later and he's still dropping loads that are about the same as they were before the operation. He said he's 38 but had 3 kids already. He said that if he had one more kid, he's not sure he'd be able to take it so he got the vasectomy done.
Howard tried to take a call from Blue Iris but she wasn't there. He kept repeating ''Sexy Blue Iris from L.A. is on the phone, are you there?'' but she wasn't answering. Howard gave up after a short time. He did play an old Jack and Rod Show where Blue Iris played the part of Lady Bird Johnson talking to an author they were interviewing.
Robin went through the rest of her news and Howard wrapped up the show around 10:55am. George Takei told Howard he wanted another try and playing the ''Guess what's in my pouch'' game before the week is up. Stay tuned.
Howard started off the show saying that George Takei was sitting in this week. He said that George did something on the show yesterday that got him into trouble with his boyfriend Brad. George said that Brad asked him which hand he used with Sal yesterday when he played ''Guess What's In Sal's Pouch.'' He was very sullen all day yesterday. Howard told George that all of them have gone through the same thing with their wives and girlfriends.
George said that it wasn't sexual when he was touching Sal's penis during that game. Howard said he's told his women the same thing when he's touched other women. Howard said he had some audio from the Wrap Up Show yesterday where George thought it wasn't going to be a big deal. He played that clip and George says that he had spoken to Brad and Brad said that they had to talk about what happened when he got back to the hotel.
Artie told George a story about going on vacation and running across an old Howard Stern E! show where he was grabbing some chick's tits and Dana saw it just as they were about to have sex. He knows how he feels.
George said that Brad told him that he wanted to walk out like Artie did during that show yesterday but he just kept listening. Howard wondered if Brad was going to get back at him by touching someone else's penis. George said he did say something about thinking that Richard Christy was cute. Howard and Robin suggested that he let Brad come in and touch Richard's penis. George said he doesn't want that to happen. He said he had to plead with Brad to have lunch with him yesterday after that all went down. He really didn't want to go with him.
George said that Brad was so upset that he didn't even go with him to pick up some tickets to a show they were going to go to. He said it really wasn't a sexual thing though and he doesn't think it was that big of a deal. Robin said that it was great when he said he wanted another go at it yesterday. George said that's no longer on and he won't be playing that game again.
Howard played a theme song for the game ''Guess What's In Sal's Pouch'' from Mike Morse. Howard said they were going to have George play a new game where he'd go fishing in Sal's asshole for items called ''asshole fishing.'' Howard said that George was really innocent in all of that and just doing it for the good of the show.
George said that sex is out this week because of that whole thing. He said that their one day a week sex is out and he had to sleep on the couch last night. He said he thinks he'll be okay tonight though. He said that time heals all. Howard asked George if he was going to apologize to Brad on the air. George said he won't apologize because he doesn't feel he did anything wrong. He also said that Brad isn't going to be listening this morning but he will be reading the rundown on the internet.
George said he is sorry if he hurt his feelings but it may have been misinterpreted. He said this shows that Brad really cares about him. George said he's already told Brad all of that and he doesn't need to do it on the air. He said that he tried to kiss him yesterday but he turned his face so he only got his cheek. This morning he got a kiss on the lips. Howard heard that and said he was going to throw up. Artie said that means that ass fuckin' must be right around the corner then.
George said that it's very meaningful that Brad is hurt. Howard asked George if Brad would come in and play the game with Sal to get even. George said he doesn't like to go public and he probably wouldn't play. Brad was pointing out that it was national radio that he did it on yesterday. Artie said that he thought George was the girl in the relationship but now he feels that Brad is. He told George that the worst thing is when they have someone interpreted that stuff for them and it gets all twisted around.
Howard took some phone calls and Gay Ramone called in and asked if George or Brad have ever had anal contractions after getting fucked up the ass. He explained that and said that it feels like you're having a baby. Howard asked George if that has ever happened but George said that he won't answer that this morning. He said that he knows that Brad is listening even though he said he wasn't going to. Artie said he was biting into a buttered bagel just as he was saying that stuff.
Sal said that he was going to leave and then that guy The Sim came in that day. He said that he went home to his friend's house and said he wasn't coming home and told her about finding the phone number and how he was putting so much effort into saving the marriage. He said that his wife told him that the numbers on the phone weren't that guy's and they were probably wrong numbers. She said that she did call the number back but it wasn't that guy who called.
Howard said he couldn't figure out what was going on there. It sounded very odd to him. Artie said he was still stuck on George and Brad's issue. He said that he thinks that Brad could have let him off the hook after a half hour or so. Robin said that if Artie had played a game where he had touched breasts, he'd get into trouble with his girlfriend if he had one. Howard said that Brad is just giving him a preemptive strike and letting George know where that line is.
Howard said that maybe Brad is getting insecure with all of George's popularity these days. He's on a hit TV show and getting a lot of attention. Howard told George that he might have to go home and give Brad a blow job. George said that people are just as interested in Brad as they are in him. He's got his own popularity going with his. Howard said that George has to go home today and apologize again and then drop to his knees and use his mouth and hand on Brad. Howard and Artie joked around about what that might be like and Artie pretended that he had a cock in his mouth as he was talking.
Howard asked Sal more about this phone call thing with his wife. Sal said that his wife got two calls at about two in the morning and claims she didn't know who had called so she returned the call to find out who it was. They were out that night and she didn't know who it was. She didn't get anyone when she returned the call so she called back the next morning and still didn't get anyone. Sal asked her to conference call the guy and pretend that she knew him. She did that and they found that the guy had dialed the wrong number.
Robin said that this is going to get Sal into trouble because he's doing this investigative work on his own. He said that you can't do your own work like that, you have to let someone else do it. Sal said that everything is back to normal now and things are going good after that wake-up call. Howard told Sal that Christine looks really cute too, he was watching her on some show and found her to be very attractive. Sal agreed that she still looks great.
Howard read through some e-mail about George being back on the show and everyone seems to be happy to have him back. Howard said that one guy was asking for more attacks on William Shatner. Yesterday some guy called in and asked George to cut back on the attacks but this person was asking for even more. George said he had a few announcements to make and tried to find something specific. He couldn't find what he was looking for so Howard played some edited clips of George saying some other odd things.
George eventually found the announcement that he was looking for and read through that. It was a made up short story about how he had urinated on Bill Shatner one time that the guys wrote for him.
Captain Janks called in and asked George if Brad was a Star Trek fan when he met him. George said that he was a fan but Brad was a star of his own in this running group they were both in. He said that Brad was a star marathoner. Brad used to run a marathon in 3 hours and 9 minutes. George did his best at 3 hours and 39 minutes.
Howard took a call from a guy who told George to just wait until Brad gets to see Sal's penis on Howard TV because it's so ugly. He said that might calm Brad's fears. George did say that it was mostly just foreskin and it wasn't all that attractive.
Henry mentioned that he saw Howard on Extra TV last night so Howard talked about that for a short time. Howard asked Henry what he's been up to lately. Henry said he's been painting his ass off. Howard joked that he was going to give Beth Henry's head as a gift. Henry begged for a mention of his art work which is available on eBay.com. He said you can search his name on there and find his stuff.
Henry was asking Howard to fly him in there to New York but when Howard didn't say yes, Henry called him a cheap Jew. Howard said he never even said no, he just didn't say yes. Howard asked Artie if he gets jealous of Henry and wants to be drunk right along with him. Artie said he is kind of jealous. Howard told Henry he had to get going and let Henry go. He played a prank call the guys made using some clips of Henry from the time he was on the show and so wasted that he wasn't able to speak. He was telling Lisa G that he wanted a caramel machiatto but Lisa thought he was saying he wanted to come on her face. Howard quickly told that story and then went to break.
Howard said he got a letter from a woman who said that she needs help getting into porn. He said he'd talk to her after Lisa G's Howard 100 News preview. Lisa came in and said that she saw Howard and Beth on Extra and they were both dressed very nice. She said that Beth was wearing a Channel dress and a nice bracelet. Howard said that he didn't want to be tagged as overly romantic and pointed out that Artie carried around a diamond in his pocket for months for Dana.
Howard said that Beth wanted this bracelet and he told her to just go get it if she wanted it. The bracelet is this Cartier lock bracelet that stays on forever. Howard said that he didn't go out and buy it, she saw it, like it and bought it herself.
Howard played some audio from the Wrap Up Show where Artie told the guys about the fruity stuff that he did for Dana. He said that he and Dana picked a sentence that he'd say on the air and it would mean that he was thinking about her. He said that Dana thought that it was the most romantic thing in the world. He said that he'd throw out a line about some sports thing or something like that which he'd throw out on the air so she'd know he was thinking about her. Howard said he should have told her that whenever he was squeezing Pam Anderson's tits, he was thinking of her.
Howard said that Artie revealed something else on the Wrap Up Show and he doesn't think he got it right. He played the clip where Artie claims that Dr. Keith Ablow told him that maybe he should have a kid with a girl he's not married to. Artie said that Dr. Keith thinks he should knock up some chick and not get married. Robin and Howard both said that sounds crazy and maybe Artie is misinterpreting it. Artie said that he told Dr. Keith that he really wants a kid and that's what he suggested.
Howard had Lisa get back to her stories. She said she spoke to the woman who came and helped with the injured bird that Howard and Beth found. The woman's husband is an executive producer on Conan O'Brien's show. That led to Artie saying that he's doing Conan O'Brien tonight and Jessica Biel is also on the show. The guys talked about Jessica and how hot she is. Howard didn't seem to be a huge fan of her's but said he probably would bang her if he had the chance.
Howard said that over at Letterman they keep the guests so far apart that you never see them. Artie said that he figures he'll be right next to Jessica's room when he's over at Conan.
Howard said that Dixie's dream is to be gang raped. He asked her what that means. She said that she'd like to be forced to do that by a bunch of guys. She said she would be happy to see that story in the news if he was to happen. She said that she actually wants it to happen, she doesn't want to just play it out with someone.
Howard said that Dixie has said that she'd like to have sex with a horse and a dog as well. She had a dog that would perform oral sex with her. She said that she would put peanut butter there and the dog would lick it off. She said she was very young when that happened. She had never done it before and she wanted to see what it was like. She mentioned that she has a fiancé around that time so that kind of came as a surprise.
Howard asked Dixie when she started having sex with women. She said she was about 8 she started acting out porno scenes. She said that she found it in her father's TV. She said that she doesn't have sex with black guys and she won't because she feels that people should stick to their own race. But she is willing to have sex with a do and/or a horse. She said that they got her there. Howard said that some people might get upset about something like that.
Howard asked Dixie if her parents would be more upset if she brought home a horse or a black man. She said that she really couldn't say, she wasn't sure. That got Artie laughing pretty hard. Howard read that she learned about sex from a registered sex offender. She said that she lied to the guy about her age and got involved with him. Howard read that she loves clowns and loves Yucko the Clown. She said that she really does.
Howard asked George to pretend to be a talking dog and act out a scene with her. George started barking right away. He was making all kinds of odd noises but Dixie wasn't working well with George. Howard asked Benjy to be the dog and he started growling at her. Then he started throwing out some lines about licking her pussy and his dog penis sticking out like a lipstick.
Howard took over for Dixie and acted out the scene for her since she didn't seem to get it. He and Benjy did that for a few seconds and then asked Dixie to do what he had just done. Dixie tried to play along with Benjy but it just wasn't working.
Howard read that Dixie has a 46 year old boyfriend and she used to date his step-son. She's only 20. Howard said that there's nothing average about this girl. He also read that she's on a web site masturbating for old men. He then read that she moved out of her parent's house when she was 16 and hasn't spoken to them since. He told her that he'll see if there's anyone interested in getting her into porn and they'd let her know. He asked her if she'd be willing to have sex with a black guy to get into it. She said ''Uhh, no.'' She was still willing to do the horse but not the black guy.
Howard gave Dixie an F, Marry, Kill game with a Jew a Black and a Dog. She said she wouldn't kill anyone. Howard told her she had to do it so she said she'd fuck the dog, marry the Jew and kill the black. Artie gave her another one. He said Michael Jordan, an Irish Setter with worms and Howard Stern. She said she'd fuck Michael Jordan, Marry Howard and kill the dog.
Howard checked the phones to see if anyone wanted to get this girl into porn. He had one guy who wanted to rape her. That guy asked for her address but Howard hung up on him before that happened. Howard let Dixie go after that.
Artie said that TV has gotten weird because they're actually making sitcoms based on reality shows. It's very weird to him that they do that.
Howard said that this Russell Simmons guy was bad mouthing him the other day and he was using the N-word quite a bit and he thought that Simmons was one of the guys talking about bringing and end to the use of the N-word after the Michael Richards' thing. He went on to play some clips of Russell using the N-word during his visit to Jay Thomas' show when he was going off about not being allowed on Howard's show. He was throwing that N-word around quite a bit. George said that it sounds habitual.
Howard read an article about how Russell had asked for the N-word and other terms to be banned. Gary said that Lisa G spoke to him about that yesterday. She came in and said that he told her that he won't stop his artists from using the words because it's an art. Howard said that Russell was using them in anger so he wasn't doing them as an art form. George said that he apparently has no principles. Robin said that maybe they should talk to him now that all of this has gone down. Howard had George Takei do a quick announcement as they were going to break.
Robin said she saw Prince one time and he was playing records and dancing. He wasn't performing live, he was just dancing while playing the albums. She said she had to go home in the middle of it.
Artie asked Howard how he feels being ''Hamptons Royalty'' right now. Howard said he didn't know that's what he was. Artie said that Howard is part of that whole crowd out there now. Howard said that bugs him but everything bugs him. He's very irritable about that stuff. He picked up a phone call from this guy who saw him on PerezHilton.com. The guy says that Howard looks awful in the picture while Beth looks beautiful. The guy agrees with Artie on the Hamptons royalty thing.
Artie said that guy Perez Hilton put an awful picture of him up on his site. He said that Perez drew a picture of a heart around his cock. He said it was up there for months after that because he had people mentioning it to him for a while.
Howard said he really doesn't see himself as one of those famous people hanging out in the Hamptons but he guesses he must be since he gets invited to all of those parties out there. Howard spent a few minutes talking about all of that before he moved on to some other stuff.
Howard played the prank call that Sal and Richard did to a sports call in show. Richard told the guys he was popping a zit on his cock but they cut him off before he got that cock word out. Then Sal called in with his son and had the kid tell them they stink. Richard called back doing one of his female voices. He threw out the term ''cunt lips'' a couple of times without being cut off but as soon as he said ''cock'' they'd yell out ''OHHHH'' and cut him off. Sal then called in doing his black voice and asked if pussy tastes good with bar-b-cue sauce on it. Richard called in again and threw out an F-word. Robin said that Richard sounds the same in every call and she can't believe they don't realize it.
Howard said Gary Garver was out doing some interviews at some benefit dinner for Mort Saul. He got an interview with Jay Leno and asked him about who does the best Leno impression. Jay said he thinks that George Clooney did a good one. Gary then asked Jay if he'd like to apologize to Howard Stern. Jay started doing this lame bit where he pretends that the microphone is being cut off. He did tell Gary to say hi to Howard for him.
Howard said that there really doesn't seem to be a person there with Jay because he won't acknowledge anything real. He doesn't like Jay and he's said it on the air but Jay pretends that there's nothing wrong. Howard said he used to enjoy having a relationship with Jay in the past and liked doing his show until he went behind his back and hired Stuttering John away. He said that it was the way he went about it that bothered him. John being hired wasn't a problem for him.
Howard said that Jay is very sensitive about that stuff himself because he's gone crazy when other people have hired his people away from his show. George Takei let Howard know that he would never be hired away by Jay's show.
Howard played another interview that Garver did. He got one with Bud Friedman who said that he thinks Howard goes a little too far with his material. He said he likes subtlety. Then he says that he thinks that Chris Rock is the best comic out there! Rock is one of the dirtiest and least subtle guys out there.
Howard played another clip where Garver interviewed Fred Willard who was a big fan of the show. He said he misses Billy West on the show but he loves Beetlejuice. He said that he loves Eric the Midget too but he's heard that he's been banned from the show. Fred was talking about Jeff the Drunk as well. Dick Van Patten was there with Fred Willard and said he loves Jeff the Drunk too.
Howard played another interview where Garver interviewed Harry Shearer. Shearer said that he doesn't like Howard because he won't let him on the show. Howard said he likes Harry and he doesn't mean any harm by it. Harry went off on Howard a little bit in the interview.
Garver interviewed this guy Paul Pierce who asked to come on the show. He said he's a fan of the show and would love to be on.
He said there's this documentary about the doll and he wanted to play it on the show. He played one part where this guy talks about living with his parents and buying one of these dolls. He has a name for the doll and talks about how his parents seem to have a problem with his relationship with her. He said that the doll spends about 99.9 percent of her time in his room. At the end of the interview the guy says something about having the place to themselves. Creepy.
Howard played another clip from the documentary where this guy talks about being glad that he doesn't have to worry about the doll getting pregnant or giving him any disease. Howard told Doug that they have to get that on Howard TV. He said he knows that Doug has been in contact with the guy who made the documentary and they're trying to get it on HTV.
Howard played another clip where this guy talks about his doll being in need of repair. They talk about how the guy is going to send his doll off for repairs and she's going to be away for about 3 weeks.
Howard told George that he, Fred and Ronnie all had sex with the Real Doll they had but they only did it once and didn't go back. He told George that it was just a rubber hole that he used when he got oral from the doll. He got back to the clip where this guy is saying goodbye to his doll that's going off for repairs. He kisses her goodbye and said that he's never had anyone to say goodbye to. He gets his doll back a couple weeks later and talks about how she's new again. He said he tries to date ''organic women'' but things don't work out. He said that he likes more constant things like a doll can give him.
Howard and the guys were looking at some of the dolls and Howard was saying he'd like the legs to be a little bit longer. He played another clip where this guy talks about his multiple dolls who he has names for. He talks about how much he likes a certain doll and then they interview his real girlfriend who is kind of confused by his love of these dolls. The girlfriend is ''introduced'' to the dolls and freaks out on the guy. He shows her two but says he has 8 total. The girlfriend sounds shocked that he has eight of them. She asks him if he uses them all. The guy says ''not at one time.'' The girlfriend says she needs a beer after finding out all of this stuff. She doesn't seem to have a problem with it though.
Howard said he'd like to get this played in a big theater with some fans. The guys spent a little more time talking about the dolls and how expensive they've gotten over the years. Artie seemed that he was getting convinced to go the Real Doll way and get one himself.
Howard said that there was a Star Trek episode where these dolls would have been great so he talked to George about that. Howard said that if he was going to make a documentary about something he'd use George as the voice over.
Howard played another clip where the guy who makes the dolls talks about how he gets about 400 orders a year for the dolls. They talk about how they ship about 7 a week and they get a lot of odd requests for things. They've had people ask for pregnant Real Dolls and one guy asked for one to look like an 80 year old. One guy asked for hair all over the doll's pubic area but they refused to do that so they just sent him the hair to put on himself.
Howard showed George the male Real Doll and wondered what he'd do with it. George wasn't talking about what he'd like to do to it because of what he went through with Brad yesterday. Artie said that he'd give $2500 to Richard if he blew that male doll. Everyone was pretty sure he'd go through with it no problem.
Howard asked George what he'd do to that male doll but George wasn't sure how it would feel so he wasn't really sure. Howard found out that Richard sucked a fake penis on Bubba's show one time so he'd definitely blow this doll. He said he had to take a break after that.
Artie said that he's never met Riley before so this is a big deal for him. Howard had him come in a short time later and gave him a plug for his web site RileyMartin.com. Riley was much calmer than he was yesterday. Howard said that he was missing a tooth too. Riley said that he could get a new one if they were paying him well there. He didn't seem to want to get into that today though.
Howard said that he's not a believer in this alien stuff, he said he thinks that Riley sees aliens when he gets drunk. Riley said that when he gets drunk, he sees a half a billion dollar cheap Jew. Howard asked him why he hides his wife from them. Riley said she doesn't want anything to do with the show and she definitely didn't marry him for his money.
Howard told Riley that he's not in charge of his financial well being and he didn't tell him he has to work there. Riley said that he would just like to be paid a little more than he's making now. Howard said that he can't control that.
Howard asked Riley if he really believes he was abducted by aliens. Riley said that he has been questioned over and over again and there are people who believe him. Howard told Riley that he must be jealous of him or something, that's why he's always bringing up his money. Riley said he's not jealous, he can't be when he's only making $37. Howard told Riley that maybe he should go work somewhere else if he doesn't like his pay.
Howard asked Riley how he lost his finger. Riley said that it was taken by the aliens in 1988. Riley also told Howard that he has 3 children here on earth and 6 others who are aliens. He said he might have one in Mexico as well.
Howard asked George what got Riley so riled up yesterday. George said he questioned Riley's experiences, that's all. Riley went off on George and told him to research him and then dismiss him, not just dismiss him without finding out more about him.
Howard asked Riley about the jail time he did. Riley said that he did 2 and a half years for allegedly planting 2 acres of herb. He said that he didn't do it himself, someone snuck onto his property and grew it there. He said he found the stuff growing on his property and cut it down. Then he hung it in his barn because he was going to burn it in a bon fire. Howard and the guys laughed when they heard that explanation.
Howard said that he was going to ask Tim and the rest of the guys there to give Riley a raise. He won't give him his own money though. Riley said he doesn't want Howard's money, he'd like for him to make 5 times as much as he makes but he doesn't want them to starve him.
Howard said that there's a film about Riley on his web site that's quite amazing. Dominic Barbara called in after that and said that he would like to pay for his new tooth and that he's a big believer in his alien stories. He said that he also had Riley's rap sheet and found that he has a couple of felonies on it. He said that he had enough marijuana in his possession to get the entire city of Newark high. Riley said that he didn't plant that himself, someone planted it on his property and he was driving it down to the police station when he ran out of gas. Then he had people coming up to him asking for some and he sold it to get money to buy gas.
Dominic said Riley had 611 pounds of weed in his car when he was arrested. He went on to talk about some of the other problems Riley has had. Dominic said there was an incident with a woman on his rap sheet but Riley didn't seem to want to go there. Dominic asked Riley to talk about some of the other problems he's had and there was one where he had a shotgun in his house. Riley said that it's not illegal to have a shotgun in the house even if you've been accused of a felony. Dominic said that he thinks that the white man has kept Riley down and he deserves more money for what he does.
Howard took a call from Wood Yi who told Howard to get him off the air. They had Wood Yi pre-recorded asking Riley a bunch of questions and asking him to admit that he's a scam artist among other things. Riley gave him a few comments and basically told him to go away. Howard played some of Dan the Song Parody Man's song parodies using his audio clips.
George told Riley that there are a lot of people out there who believe that they've had experiences like this and they can't take him seriously. Riley said he's taken IQ tests and lie detector tests as well. He said that he was found to have a 200 IQ so Howard figured that he was a genius. Riley said he never claimed that though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Riley is more ungrateful than Eric the Midget is. The guy asked Riley who else would pay him to do a show. Riley said that the callers sister an mom might just do that. The caller told Riley to make a life for himself instead of depending on other people to do it for him. George agreed with him and told Riley that's what he should do.
Richie Wilson from Howard TV called in and said that Riley told him that his birds had put a hit out on him and tried to have him killed. George said that it seems that Riley has a Victim mentality and thinks that everyone is out to get him. Richie also said that Riley dry humped him there. Riley told Richie he never wants to see him at his house again.
Howard said that he really would like the people at SIRIUS to give Riley a raise. He enjoys his show, which airs on Tuesday's at midnight and replays on Saturday at 7, and he'd like them to give him more money.
Howard said that Riley's son Victor Love was there. He wondered why he didn't have the same last name. Riley said there comes a time in your life when you have to change your name. Victor came in and said that he has never seen aliens himself but he has seen an alien ship, once. He said that they saw it over Rt. 78 and he had never seen anything like it before. Victor had a similar way of speaking that Riley does so Howard pointed that out. Victor said that he's a skeptic himself so he questioned it when he saw that ship flying.
Howard was talking to Victor a little bit but Riley started to get upset with their line of questioning. Howard was asking Victor about his job because he's a masseuse. He had asked him what he does if a guy asks him to rub one out. Riley flipped out on Howard and the rest of the guys for going there with his son.
Victor told Howard that he did two years in prison for selling cocaine. The guys figured he was following in his father's footsteps there. Howard took a call from Wendy the Retard who was doing an alien impression trying to goof on Riley. He asked her not to fall into that whole thing though.
George asked Victor about the time he saw this UFO he claims to have seen. Riley said that his son may have been being chased down by the Niptonians. He got in a plug for his web site after that and gave some plugs to this guy who created the web site for him. He said that they are marketing geniuses.
Howard asked Victor why he changed his name and found out that Riley was the one who changed his name from Riley Martin to Victor Love but then went back to Riley. Howard then had the guys bring in Riley's on air partner Eron. Howard spent a short time talking to him and found out that he's making a living working with Riley these days. He said that it is tough being his partner because he can be in a foul mood once in a while. He also said that he went through Riley's material and found that he hasn't been able to find any holes in his stories at this point. He said that he still has a fear of Riley though.
Riley was still going off on Howard for not paying him that well. He said that if he did pay him, he'd love him forever. Howard asked Eron about his name and found out that Riley gave him that name. Howard gave the guys some plugs and Victor got in a plug for his web site X-Sophy.com.
Howard wrapped up with everyone and told everyone to listen to his radio show and check out his web site RileyMartin.com. Riley put the word out that this world isn't long to be if we continue to do things the way we do.
Riley's manager Nino came in and told Howard that they've sold a decent amount of the piss jugs they have for sale on Riley's web site. He told Howard how he talked Riley into giving up his old web site for this new one. Howard told him the site looks great too. They brought along a talking Riley bobble head for Robin and had it talk a little bit for her.
Artie told Riley he was happy to have met him and he wanted to buy one of his symbols from him. He also said he'd like to buy about 200 pounds of that weed he had as well. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said that he was very nice about it and he told them he didn't want to write anything for his book. He likes Butch but he doesn't do that kind of stuff. Steve said that they also have a story about how Sam Simon wasn't invited to the Simpson's movie that's coming out later this month. He's going to wait to see it on DVD. Artie said they had a major falling out there and the three creators were arguing about money and stuff so there are some harsh feelings there.
Artie said that Sam is friends with a lot of the guys there but the major guys, James Brooks, Sam and Matt Groening don't talk. Howard said that they reran the Sam Simon piece on 60 Minutes recently about how he saves dogs.
Howard said that Sam Simon sent him a note about the iPhone he got from Drew Carey and how it kind of crapped out on him after just 3 days. Howard said he'd wait for the next generation to come out before he'd buy one. Artie said he thinks that Sam is out playing in a big poker tournament. It's like a seven week long event and he doesn't know who has the time to do something like that. He knows how Sam can do it but other people he's not so sure about.
Steve said they'll also have a story about Jeff the Drunk's gaping wound. He's supposed to have a skin graft soon and they'll have more on that. Howard took a few phone calls and one guy asked if Artie would weigh himself because he has a bet with his landlord and he could stay longer if he gets him to weigh himself. Artie told the guy that he doesn't care if he gets evicted and he's not going to get on the scale.
Howard took a call from Blue Iris who said she was mad at Howard. Howard told her he was mad at her for not picking up yesterday. She didn't know that happened. She went on to complain about Howard TV and how they cut out her interview and didn't put her web site and all in the episode she was on. Howard told her to get in a plug for herself now then. She said that she was asked to go on a couple of other radio shows but she turned it down. She said that Mancow guy asked her to come on but she turned it down because she only goes on Howard's show. Howard asked her to just get to her plug. Blue got in a plug for BlueIrisProducts.com and then Steve wrapped up his Howard 100 News preview.
Jon Hein was up next with his Wrap up Show preview. He said they'll be talking about Riley's visit today and also about Dixie Lee's call and also about George's problems with Brad. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Ralph called in and said that Gisele isn't hot and Fred is wrong again. He said that she looks kind of mannish to him. Howard told Ralph that Fred already had his segment and he was done with that whole thing. He hung right up on him.
Howard ended up doing his Ted Kennedy impression during the news when Robin brought up a story about him. Fred got in on it a little bit as well and did his Kennedy ''Er, uh'' impression a little bit as well. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show a short time later around 10:35am.
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Howard started off the show saying that he had to leave the show at 10 this morning. He told Robin she might want to start her news now. He said he had a commitment he had to get to today and had to leave on time. He played Robin's news theme so Robin read some news. She brought up a clip about the collapse of one of the girls from Destiny's child. The clip was up on YouTube but it was taken down. That led to the guys talking about YouTube and how they just let people put up anything there.
Howard said that they let people put Howard TV stuff up there and people can just download it for free. He said that they claim that it's like a big commercial but that's bullshit to him. George Takei said that it's simple thievery as far as he's concerned. Howard said that if they took all the Star Trek episodes, someone like George Takei could lose out on royalties and things like that.
Howard said that there's a bit argument going on right now about internet radio and how music companies are trying to charge them for the songs they play. Howard said that the record business has to make money and that's the kind of thing they have to do now to keep making money.
Howard played another clip where a caller told Riley that Howard has helped all of the guys like Richard and Sal negotiate their contracts. Riley agreed and figured the caller was right. Howard said that caller sure knew how to get Riley worked up by telling him that. Riley went off on Howard and the cheap bastards at SIRIUS for not paying him enough money.
Howard took a call from a guy who said one of Riley's famous alien lines ''O-Qua Tangin Wann'' and George said he thought it sounded a lot like American Indian to him. He recited a line that he knew that was Indian and it did sound kind of similar.
Howard said that all of them have had similar discussions with their wives and girlfriends so they know what it's like. George said that Brad has met Sal and Richard and he thought that Richard was kind of cute. He said that he will not come in and touch his penis like Howard wanted him to though. George said that he and Brad kissed last night but that's as far as he can go with the discussion.
Howard said that after the shower he figures that George and Brad must have done something. He figured that George had gone down on Brad and had his face in his crotch. George said that Howard has a very perceptive and discerning mind. George asked Artie if he wanted to go see Kabuki with he and Brad. Artie quickly told him ''no.''
Howard played a prank call that Sal and Richard made using clips of Riley saying his lines ''O-Qua Tangin Wann'' and ''Quai unza la ji wan'' to a Chinese food restaurant employee. He was trying to place an order and used those words. Howard also played a song parody where they used clips of Riley talking about the aliens.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he liked the Mammary Lane show that Jason and Will did while they were on vacation. Howard let him go and then took a call from someone playing clips of Riley going off on Howard and the guys. Howard played along with it so they could get George to talk to the audio clips. George thought he was talking to him but ''Riley'' was going off on him calling him a ''fucking dork'' and saying ''fuck you'' whenever he'd say something. George told Riley that he's a fascinating person and tried to give him some advice but the clips of Riley weren't listening to him.
Howard let George go with the Riley clips for a few minutes. George was having a whole conversation with the clips. Howard eventually told George that it was a tape and George started to laugh. He didn't believe them for a few seconds but eventually came around and believed that he had been had once again. Howard and Fred played a bunch of George Takei song parodies and stuff like that after that. Howard told George that Fred is actually an android too and he figured he had to break the news to him about that. He had to go to commercial after that.
Before Howard came back we heard a prank call that Sal and Richard did to Eric the Midget to jerk him around a little bit. Howard came back after that. He asked George to do an announcement so he did a quick one and introduced The Howard Stern Show. Howard mentioned that George would be there all week long.
Howard said he was watching a tribute to Paul Simon over the weekend and it was a pretty good concert. He said they had a bunch of people like James Taylor in the concert as well. He said that Bob Costas was the announcer and he did a great job doing that. That led to the guys talking about Bob and what a great interviewer he is too. Howard said that the only person more eloquent at introductions is Lonnie from Scores. He said that Lonnie should be giving speeches like Bob does. Robin said that maybe they'll have Lonnie give Howard his eulogy.
Artie asked Howard if he's ever met Paul Simon. Howard said he never did but he met his brother Eddie. He said his brother looks exactly like his brother. He saw him on a plane one time and saw a bunch of kids coming up to him asking him for autographs. He'd tell them that he wasn't who they thought he was but they'd insist on an autograph.
Howard was talking about his inability to do anything athletic. He retold the story about how he played catch with his father one time and the first time he threw the ball, he nailed his father in the nuts. Artie said that Howard is a great height to play basketball but Howard told him he has no skills at all.
That led to the guys talking about Robin playing basketball against Dominic Barbara. Robin said that she knew she wasn't going to do well and she never claimed that she had any basketball skills. She ended up getting pissed off that day when they played because she insisted she wanted nothing to do with the game.
Howard said he had friends who had a basketball hoop in their yard but he was just never good. He could never play even if he was the right height. George said that if he concentrated on it like he does with chess, he probably could be good at it. Howard insisted that he wouldn't and said that he could never be good.
Howard said that he had Paul Simon on the phone and when he picked up, it was Sour Shoes doing some Paul Simon songs. Sour Shoes was singing as soon as Howard picked up. Robin asked if he just sits around waiting for them to talk about singers so he can do his thing. Howard said that this is a guy who is like 38 years old and still living at home.
Howard asked Sour Shoes to perform certain songs but Sour Shoes actually drew a blank with one of them. That might be a first. Howard said that they showed a clip of Paul Simon singing a tribute song to Joe DiMaggio. Artie said that DiMaggio hated that song but Howard said that he apparently came to like it. That got Sour Shoes singing the song a little bit.
Howard said that Joe DiMaggio wasn't the brightest guy. He kept diaries and would write in a journal his dopey thoughts and there weren't very many profound things in there. It was more like ''I took a bath today.'' Howard said the diaries are actually up for sale but no one is sure what to do with the journals. Artie told some stories about DiMaggio. Gary came in and said that DiMaggio's diaries actually weren't a daily diary thing, they were just memories that he wrote down in the 1980s. They're trying to sell them as a daily diary but they're really not.
Gary said that DiMaggio paid people in signed baseballs to get work done. Howard said that Joe was like the Jackie Martling of baseball. That led to him goofing on Jackie about how he gives all of his junk away to people as payment. He said that Jackie tried to wear one of his Joke Man t-shirts in ''Private Parts'' but they had to put a stop to that.
Sour Shoes did a little more of his Paul Simon stuff before Howard let him go. Robin said that he's right on the phone as soon as he hears them mention the name of performers like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Robin about her trip to France. He thought she had gone there many times but this past vacation was her first visit. The caller was a French Canadian guy who said that he wanted to date her over the radio. He started to play her a song and Howard said that it was like he had made her a mix tape. The guy hung up before they could talk more about that.
Howard said he had to take another break and mentioned that Gilbert Gottfried was going to be in later. He said that there hasn't been one bit of ink in the papers about him becoming a father. George said that he sent him a note congratulating him but never got a response. Gary came in and asked if they think that Gilbert will have a picture of the baby with him. George said he thinks that he will have a picture on him. Howard bet him $100 that he doesn't have any picture of the baby with him. Gary said that he thinks that Gilbert will just laugh when they ask him if he has a picture.
Howard asked Gary about using the cupcakes as a pacifier. Gary said that's exactly what he uses them for. He said he has a very healthy breakfast but then he eats the black and white cookies and cupcakes after that. Artie said that cupcake Wednesday is brutal. Gary said that he usually walks right by the cupcakes and then goes right back to them.
Gary said that he's up to about 220 pounds. He said he might be a little bit lower than that but he upped it just in case he gets on the scale. George asked who supplies the cupcakes. Artie said that it's Crumbs Bakery and they make the best cupcakes ever.
Gary said that he agreed with Howard about the way it was written so that led to Howard going off on him saying that he wasn't looking for someone to agree with him, he just wants it fixed. Gary said he was just agreeing with him.
Howard said that he had a clip of a news reporter saying ''Hillary Cunton'' instead of ''Hillary Clinton'' during a newscast. He said that was great. She didn't even correct herself after the mistake.
Howard had another clip from the web that was supposed to be something from the BET network. In the clip there's a hip hop song telling their listeners to read a book. Howard said it had to be a goof though. Howard mentioned that they had Gilbert Gottfried coming in later. He also mentioned that the Iron Sheik will be coming in soon. He said that won't be today but they will have him in on a day when Bubba the Love Sponge is coming in. Howard said that Will spoke to the Iron Sheik and mentioned one of the names of the wrestlers that he hates and Iron Sheik went nuts.
Howard played the clip of Will talking to Iron Sheik about playing Anal Ring Toss. Sheik sounds like he's into playing. He and Will were talking about doing that and then Will mentions the name Brian Blair which set Sheik off for a short time.
Howard played some of the clips from the Scott Ferrall show where Sheik was yelling at callers when they'd bring up other wrestler's names. They had another interview that Sheik did on some talk show and he goes off on some other wrestlers calling them faggots and other things like that.
George Takei said that he's glad he won't be there when that guy comes in. He said he hopes that Howard can handle him and his awful attitude. Artie did his impression of Sheik for a short time before Howard had Lisa G come in.
George and Howard talked a little bit about the TV show ''Heroes'' and how great that has been for him as well. George said that the first episode of the second season is going to be very interesting and people will find out a lot in that show.
Howard told George that he had the Iron Sheik on the phone but George knew that they were jerking him around. He said that it sounded recorded to him. He told Howard he wasn't going to fall for it again but did talk to the clips a little bit. He said he wasn't going to talk to this recording like he did earlier with the Riley clips.
Lisa got back to her news preview and said that they have an update on Jeff the Drunk who has gone through his skin graft operation and had some other things done while he was under. Howard had Jeff on the phone and asked him if he's going to get rid of that dead arm of his. Jeff said he didn't talk to the doctors about that. He isn't planning on getting rid of it either. Howard said they should have used the skin on that arm on his ass. Jeff said that he's in a lot of pain and he's still on the pain meds. Howard told Jeff that the hospital saved his life so he should be thankful for that.
Jeff said he's going to be in the hospital for 2 weeks or more after this operation. Howard told him to come in after he recovers. Jeff asked Howard to leave him on hold so he could listen to the show. Howard said that Jeff is always asking for something. He said that saving Jeff's life is like saving a pizza box, there's no point.
Lisa said that someone has been stealing porn from JD's office and they'll have more on that. They'll also have some stories about Artie's appearance on Conan O'Brien last night. Howard said he was going to play some clips from that as well.
Artie mentioned that he had this guy Jeff Ross come up to him at Conan's show and he's the guy who runs the animal shelter that helped save the bird that Howard and Beth found. He said that they were amazed at what they did for that bird that day. Jeff is also an executive producer over there at Conan.
Howard said that David Hinkley asked this radio expert about the merger between XM and SIRIUS and if he thinks it'll go through. This so called expert says he doesn't know. He said that he really doesn't know if it will go through so he has about as much knowledge about it as everyone else does.
Howard also said that this guy Tom Taylor says that he thinks that Imus will return to radio but he's not sure where. That led to Howard going off on Imus saying that if he gets hired back to CBS, it'll be more like he got a suspension with pay because they've had to pay him all this time he's been off the air. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that there's another song that Avril did called ''I Don't Have To Try'' and this Peaches group claims that was ripped off from them. Howard played both and they did sound very similar. He said they might have a case there. Both songs sounded very similar to the guys. Howard said they both sound like that Banana song from Gwen Stefani.
Howard asked George if he's ever had the fantasy of being the woman that every man looks at when he walks into a room. George said he's never felt that at all. He said that he is an actor and he would play a transvestite if he was asked to though.
Howard played some clips of Jessica Biel on Conan O'Brien's show last night. He played a quick clip where she told Conan about her fat knuckles. Howard cut that off and said it gives you an idea of the vapid discussion they had before Artie came out.
Howard played clips of Artie coming out and talking about how great Jessica's ass looked. He said they don't even look like they're in the same species. He showed the audience his ass to prove it. He also joked that Conan was having a show with people who all have fat knuckles. Artie then told Conan that he'd like to bang Jessica Biel.
Conan changed subjects to get off the Jessica subject. Howard said that it's weird how they'll let Artie say that he wants to bang someone. Artie said that's because it's at 1:30 in the morning. Howard took a quick call from a guy who said Artie mentions New Jersey too much. Artie said that he does that to go into a joke.
Howard played more of Artie's appearance where he talks about New Jersey and his friends from Jersey who are really rude people. He talked about his dumb friends who have become film critics after watching ''The Sopranos.'' He had some good material about that subject. Howard told him he should use that in his stand-up act. Artie said he actually has been using it.
Howard played another clip where Artie talks about working on ''Rescue Me'' and how he's been working with this really hot chick on that show. He said he's paranoid about getting excited during love scenes though. He goes on to tell a story about working with Renee Zellwegger and how he wanted to date her but Chris O'Donnell gave him a look like he was nuts when he suggested that to him. Then he talks about the ''Rescue Me'' thing and how he has to combat getting excited. He told Conan how he wrapped up his junk like a mummy so he doesn't get excited. He said he walks out to the scene like a penguin.
Artie said that the chick must think he has no penis or something when she doesn't feel anything down there. He said he thought about taking off the wrap and just going all the way, but not insertion, when he films the next sex scene. He said he was going to do that but they got the shot on the first try. Artie said that's kind of depressing and tells Conan that he is hung and he can ask Jessica Biel in about 5 hours.
Howard told Artie that was a nice long segment and it was very funny. Robin asked him what he wore last night. Artie said he wore his cargo pants, work boots and a sweat shirt. George told him he could go to the Hawaiian shirt thing. Robin said that's too much for him, he doesn't want to go there.
Howard said he was talking to his hair stylist Toni about Artie possibly leaving. He said that he doesn't think Artie will leave but he's really not sure. Artie said that he's not going to be leaving in January, something tells him that he'll be sitting there in that chair come January. He said that he has some stressful days now but if he's still alive in 20 years he'll look back on it and see that there wasn't anything to be stressed over.
Artie said that he knows that he'll get over the pressure some day and see that it was really nothing. Howard said that's how he felt after NBC fired him. He realized that he didn't have to stress over certain things like he was doing back then. Artie said he just can't relax and enjoy it while it's going on.
Howard asked Artie if, in 20 years, he's going to look back and think about how skinny he was at 300 pounds. Artie said he hopes that God just takes him before he turns into a Walter Hudson type of guy. He said he has no idea where he'd put another 200 pounds if he gained that much. Howard asked him if he thinks he'll end up like the guy who had to be buried in a piano sized coffin. Artie said he hopes not.
Artie is at the point where he won't even weigh himself these days. He said that it just depresses him too much. He said he's been talking to this Dr. Keith Ablow lately but he's still eating like crazy. Artie said he can just barely fit into the seat on Conan's show. Robin asked him if he worries that he won't fit into an airplane seat. Artie said that he won't fit into a coach seat so he'd be really worried if he wasn't flying first class.
Howard mentioned a story about Rupert Murdoch wanting to buy the Dow Jones and that led to Artie talking about how the Topps card company is for sale and there are some companies trying to take them over and one of them is another card company. If that company took it over it would be some kind of monopoly so they asked for an answer about a merger to be brought down in 5 days or less and they're getting the answer today. The guys spent a minute talking about that before Howard had to take another break.
Howard had Fred replay the song ''Strong Enough'' and threw in some new lyrics. He said that he'd like to be her one night stand but not ''her man'' as the lyrics said. Will came in and told Howard that Sheryl had another thing about her that was really wrong. She's a big environmentalist and suggested that people use just one piece of toilet paper. Howard said he uses a ton of toilet paper and baby wipes, there's no way he's going to use just one piece.
George Takei told the guys about the nice hotels over in Japan where you get your ass washed by the special toilets there. He said they're thinking of getting one for their home in L.A. He said there's warm water, warm air and it does an amazing job. He said that you don't need any paper at all.
Howard said he took a nice dump the other day where he had two logs come out that floated. He said that's apparently the sign of a good doody so he was very proud. Artie said sometimes after he takes a shit it looks like an environmental clean up with all of the stuff he has to use.
Howard said that recently he had Steve Grillo going off on their office manager Tracy. He played a little bit of that and then played a prank call that the guys made using clips of Steve yelling at a woman by the name of Tracy. Howard said he feels bad for these people they call. George said he knows how they feel. He laughed through the whole call though.
Howard said Gilbert is a celebrity but no one cares that he had a kid. He said that maybe it's time to say goodbye to Gilbert and not have him on anymore. Howard had to tell him to turn his headphones around because he had them on backwards.
Gary said that Gilbert doesn't have a publicist so maybe that's why he doesn't have anything out there. Gilbert said he knew that he was in trouble when Mike Walker told him that no one cares about his career when he asked him why he never prints anything in the Enquirer.
Howard asked Gilbert if he had any pictures of his daughter with him. He said he didn't so George let him know that he just cost him $100. He bet with Howard earlier in the morning. George said he thought that Gilbert had a shred of human in him but now that image has been shattered. George told Howard that he would send him something since he knows that he doesn't need the $100. Howard said he doesn't know what he needs and maybe he does need that $100.
Robin asked Gilbert why he doesn't even have any pictures on his phone of his daughter. She wondered if he even knows how to use it. Gilbert said he can make calls but he doesn't know how to do much else. Howard asked Gilbert if he's done any baby material in his act yet. Gilbert said he has not and he has said in the past that he hates when comedians do that stuff.
Howard asked Gilbert what it would be like if Groucho talked about his new baby in his comedy act. Gilbert said that's like one of those awful talk show segues into another subject. He did an impression of Jay Leno doing something like that.
Howard asked Gilbert about the birth of his baby and if he was in the room. Gilbert said he was in the room and the doctor put a cold towel on his neck because they thought he was going to pass out. Howard wondered if they were curious about how little he was talking to his wife during the whole thing. Artie said the doctors must have been talking about how Bela Lugosi was helping some woman deliver a baby. Gilbert did a little bit of that impression for Howard.
Howard asked Gilbert if his wife's mother likes him. He said he guesses she does but he didn't seem so sure about that. Howard asked him if he's had sex with his wife yet. He said that hasn't happened and the baby was born about 5 weeks ago. He said that the baby's name is Lily but he isn't talking baby talk to her or anything like that. Gilbert said he talks to the baby about politics and stuff like that.
Howard asked Gilbert if he's suggested putting the baby up for adoption yet. He joked that they could have some small toys that the baby could swallow. Howard said it looks like Gilbert has lost some weight. Gilbert said he's not trying to, he's not sure why he's looking that way. He said he still eats the same crap he always did. Howard asked him if he sings or does anything with the baby. Gilbert just laughed. George said he thinks this is an act and he can't believe that anyone could be so completely shut off from a baby like this. Gilbert said that it was just something to do to have this kid.
Howard said this is all very shocking. Very shocking that he can't find any mention of this baby in the newspapers. George asked if he and Brad could adopt this baby because the baby needs to be saved. He said it's really unbelievable and ''if he is genuine, he's a monster!'' Gilbert just laughed at that.
Howard said that Gilbert seems to be a guy who had to shut himself off from people when he was young and this is the way he turned out after doing that. He said it's like he was raised by wolves or something. Howard talked more about Gilbert's hospital stay and how he didn't have very many visitors. Gilbert said that Richard Belzer would show up with a newspaper and sit there reading it without saying a word to him.
Howard told Gilbert that he thinks the baby would be better off with Chris Benoit. Gilbert said he had this guy come up to him at a comedy show and ask for a picture of him with his baby. Gilbert said it seemed that the guy didn't know the business very well.
Howard asked Gilbert if he's going to be involved with this baby at all. He just laughed. George was talking about how he and Brad would like to take the baby and they'd be willing to baby sit at any time. Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who asked if he looks Chinese. Howard said yes so Dominic said that his family is from Eastern Russia and he may have some Mongolian mixed in there.
Howard said that they had Gilbert's baby on the phone. He picked up that call and the caller said that his mommy says ''where did Hitler go wrong.'' Howard quickly thanked the baby for calling in and hung up. Gilbert started singing but Howard cut him off as well and told him he had to get out of there on time. Gilbert said that anyone who signed up over there at his web site has to sign up again because he thinks he erased all of the names. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard mentioned a few new shows that are up on Howard TV this week. He said he was supposed to get to some Rocklahoma stuff today so they could air that on Howard TV but he'll have to wait until tomorrow.
Howard went to Steve Langford who had his Howard 100 News preview. Steve said that Artie killed on Conan O'Brien last night but he wasn't very confident back stage. Steve said that Conan claims that he gets all of his news from Howard 100 News but that's why he's so misinformed about everything. Steve also said that High Pitch Mike was at the Live Earth show... all alone... on his birthday. He said that he's apparently doing some other things all by himself this summer. Artie got a laugh out of that. He said that guy doesn't like people and he's kind of arrogant so it's okay to laugh at it.
Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon mentioned the stuff they'd be talking about today. They'll be talking about everyone's weight on the show and Artie's appearance on Conan. They'll also talk about Gilbert and his lack of a baby picture.
Gilbert said he heard something about High Pitch Eric because he heard Steve mention the other High Pitch. Howard told him that they have two High Pitch people on the show so nothing has happened to High Pitch Eric.
Jon mentioned that he was surprised that Gilbert didn't have any pictures of his daughter on him. Howard said this his parents used to talk about how they didn't carry around any pictures of their kids while other people would show off and brag about theirs. Howard said that they didn't get that maybe they could be proud of their kids once in a while. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.
Howard asked Artie who he'd go with. Artie said he had a definite answer and he'd have to go with his mother because he heard she swallows. That got a laugh out of everyone on there. George said that if he was forced to choose between Robin and Artie, he'd have to go with Artie of course.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Gilbert if he wants to have another kid. Gilbert said that it's tough enough with just the one so he can't even think about having another one.
Gilbert continued to goof on George about the mother thing that they had talked about. He kept saying that George wanted to fuck his mother and threw in some other jokes that George didn't seem so thrilled about. That got Artie throwing in some jokes about that as well. He said that some people say that George is ''one funny mother fucker'' and he didn't know that might be true. Howard said that George is one of the nicest guy's he's ever met but even he's repulsed by Gilbert Gottfried.
George sent Gilbert a note about his child when he heard it was born but now he's saying that he'd like to retract it if he could. A little later George was talking about the congestion tax they were thinking of bringing to Manhattan. Howard listened to him for a few seconds and said he could listen to him talk all day long. He applauded him for what he had just said.
Howard asked Robin to finish up her news so he could get out of there. It was getting very close to 10 o'clock and he had to get out of there. She wrapped up and Howard ended the show right around 10:00am.
Howard started off the show saying he wanted to give Darrell Hammond a plug for his Caroline's gig that's coming up on Friday. He said they help out their friends there. He said he doesn't want Darrell jumping off a building or anything like that. Artie told Howard he might have an avalanche of plugs coming up if he starts doing that.
George Takei was trying to talk but his microphone wasn't working right. Howard tried messing around with the settings and it eventually worked. George went on to say that he'll be in Cherry Hill, New Jersey this Saturday and Sunday doing a Star Trek convention. Artie said he might have to go down there himself. Howard asked if there are any hot chicks there. George said there are some women there but they are ''very alien'' looking.
Howard asked George if he's ever gotten it on with people from the conventions. George said he has done that with some Trekkies. Artie said that George was talking about a guy he had been with who was an extra on the show. He described George's explanation of the guy and said that he could tell that George wasn't straight when he was talking about him. George said that he wasn't sure if he should be talking about that stuff on radio or not.
Howard told George that he was very good on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He talked about how George wanted to be more responsible on that show and had this logic about being promoted to captain in the movies. Howard said that you really don't want to be a captain because they took him off the movie and moved him to another ship that wasn't in the movie. Howard said that if you want to be in Star Trek, you have to be on the Enterprise, not on some other ship.
George said he had his own ship in Star Trek 6 and the movie opened up with him and his ship on screen. He said that he actually saved Captain Kirk in that movie. He said that it was a humble and grateful Captain Kirk that thanked him for saving his ass. Howard told him that he basically promoted himself right out of the movies. George said that's true, it was his final Star Trek movie. He didn't seem upset about that though.
Artie asked how many Star Trek movies there have been. George said there have been 10 but not all of them were the same generation. He thinks that he made a grand exit. Howard told George that him leaving the Star Trek movie the way he did would be like Benjy saying he was leaving the show to do another show and then he ends up on the internet.
Howard told George that he heard him on the Wrap Up Show and he thought he did very well there. He heard him speaking Klingon and asked him if he's ever slept with a groupie who spoke the language. George said that he's never had that. Howard asked him about the groupies and if they've ever asked to see his house and things like that. George said that he was at a hotel with this one groupie.
Artie wanted Sheik to call his agent and tell him a few things. Howard said that Sheik will be on the show soon and it should be pretty good. He said his notes just said ''coming soon'' so he didn't have an exact date on that. Howard said he saw that they have the World's Strongest Naked Woman and Scott Baio coming in soon as well. That led to him talking about Scott's new reality TV show. He said that Scott is going back and apologizing to the women he dated in the past. He and the guys talked about Erin Moran and what a mess she turned out to be. Artie said he always thought that she was cute when she was younger.
Artie said that Scott actually auditioned for a part in Beer League. He said that he was going to play the Manganelli part but they decided to go with this other guy even though Baio was really good in the part. Robin said that Scott doesn't look like Scott Baio anymore, he looks like his own father or something. Howard said that Scott is still banging good looking chicks but he thinks that he's not getting the same caliber that he was because of his reputation.
Robin asked what the deal is in the show. Howard said Scott is 45 years old and he's questioning his life and using a life coach to help him get through it. Howard also saw Daniel Baldwin doing some show. The guy is so addicted to coke that he just can't get off of it. He did a rehab thing for one of the network news shows and they show him going through all of that. Howard said that Daniel thinks that he knows what's better for him than the rehab people think. He met a woman in rehab and apparently got her pregnant already.
Howard played some clips of Daniel talking about all of that stuff and Artie said that he could easily be that guy. In one clip Daniel is talking about how he snuck his crack pipe in with him when he was on his way to rehab. He smoked right before he went in while he was riding in a cab. Howard said he was laying in bed watching that show and it shows that Daniel really is an addict. He played another clip where Daniel said that he had been up for 11 days straight in one month. Howard said he doesn't look like a coke addict though because he's not thin.
Howard said he went up to see his daughter at summer camp yesterday. He said that's why he had to end the show at 10 yesterday. He had to go up there in pouring rain so it took a while to get there. He said the visit wasn't very long though. He said he also caught up on all of the reality TV shows while he was on his way up there.
Howard told Robin about this Paula Abdul realty show and she comes off as a neurotic fucking nut in the show. He said she's all over the place with her emotions and she seems to be certifiably nuts. He said he and Beth had the first five episodes and he wasn't sure if he could go through all of them but Beth wanted to see them all. They ended up watching all but one of them.
Howard said he's still watching the Age Of Love show and loving that. He said it's pretty wild to see this guy dating 20 year olds and 40 year olds. Artie said that he would take the older chicks if they were even just a little bit hotter than the 20 year olds. Howard said the guy is only 31 or something like that though. Howard said there's one really hot chick on the show and he'd have to go with her if he was doing that show. Robin said she saw the first episode but she didn't go back to watch anymore. Howard said no one is watching the show though. He said he ran into the guy, Mark Conseulo and he said that the ratings are just okay at this point.
Artie threw out some Yankees information to make that conversation less gay. He said that they're just 7 games back right now and he thinks that they can still come around. He said the Mets are in first place. Artie gave out a ton of trivia about baseball and stuff and Howard seemed kind of into it but he told him he's more into The Bachelor.
Howard said that he watched Artie's Conan appearance and he really doesn't think that Jessica Biel is that hot. He also said that she's really dumb and that interview she did was awful. Artie said that she gave him a lot of material though. He goofed on her comments about her fat knuckles and things like that. Howard said she just didn't look all that good to him and he doesn't care.
Artie told the guys about how he ended up shaving before he went on Conan because he looked like such a mess. He usually leaves the beard on to cover up his multiple chins. He said that they threw a ton of makeup on him there at Conan. Artie said he knew it was too much but the makeup chick is really nice over there. Artie said that his face is just too much and joked about selling advertising spaced on his chin when he does shows like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard TV is great this month because they have this Where Are They Now show going on. Howard said that the Howard TV crew deserves big applause for that show.
Howard said that Eric will be back on the show eventually. He knows that he will. He said that Eric must be having a hard time not calling in and he figures he's showing signs of cracking. He said it has to be killing him not to be on. Howard said that Eric should be banned from SFN and he wants to ask Mutt if he's still posting over there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Bubba the Love Sponge wanted to wax his producer Brent's asshole on his show. Howard said that Bubba might be kind of gay because he does some odd things like that on his show. He's very hands on with that kind of stuff. Howard said he might have to tune in to hear that on Bubba's show. He said he loves Bubba but hasn't been listening lately.
Howard said that he's never had the desire to wax anyone's asshole. He said that George's boyfriend Brad might want to do that though. Howard told George that he should ask him if he wants to do that the next time he's on. Howard then went on to read some of the e-mail feedback about George being on the show this week. The fans really love George and they let Howard know that. He said that Gilbert Gottfried gets the opposite. He read a few emails from some fans who either love him or hate him. Howard said that he enjoys when Gilbert is on. He said he also loved when George called him a monster.
Howard had Mutt on the phone so he asked him about the Eric the Midget thing. He said that he can see signs of cracking and wondered if he's still communicating on SternFanNetwork. Mutt said that he hasn't been on SFN and he hasn't even called into the show. He said that Eric did call Zolar for some reason though. Howard said that is interesting that he's not posting on SFN. Mutt said he's still posting stuff on his Myspace page about Howard though. Howard told Mutt to keep him posted on that stuff. Mutt said he'd do that and also threw in a plug for the Superfan Roundtable show that airs tonight at 7 on Howard 101.
After he finished up the commercial Fred played a prank call the guys made using clips of Mike Walker doing his gossip stories, farting and tapping his conga. Howard came back a short time later as Fred was playing some Cat Stevens music. Howard said he doesn't know what happened to that guy. Robin said she always hated his music. Fred said he liked it even though it was so sappy. Robin said that she couldn't get away from it when she was in college. She said it was always coming through the walls and drove her nuts. Howard was singing a little bit and Robin said she couldn't get away from it again.
Richard asked Howard if he was smoking weed back when he was listening to that guy. Howard said that he may have been doing that back then but he didn't smoke it all the time.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Cat Stevens was booted out of the country for donating money to some group. Artie told the caller that the Godfather also won an Oscar back in 1974 as well. Sal was trying to say something but Howard goofed on him about the Louis CK thing from earlier. Howard said that it was getting very crowded in the studio and he just wanted to talk.
Howard asked Sal what he wanted. Sal told Richard to tell Howard what he wanted to do. Richard said he and Sal went to Gary yesterday and asked him about this. He said that they get a ton of e-mail from the fans asking when they're going to put out a prank call CD. They were wondering if they could put one out. Howard said he didn't like the idea. He said that they do prank calls for the show and there's no reason to put them out on a CD. He said that they play them on the show and people are paying to hear it there on the show. Howard said the fans wouldn't want to hear it on the show if they can get it on a CD. Richard said that the fans could have the option to buy it.
Howard told the guys that the fans have paid enough, they don't want to ask people for more money. Richard said that the fans are asking for the CD though. Howard didn't care and told them no a bunch of times but they wouldn't leave. Howard asked Gary what he thinks about all of this. Gary said that they came to him yesterday and he told them exactly what Howard just told them but the refuse to leave.
Robin said that they use that material for the show and they should not put out a CD. Gary said that he has to agree with that and Fred said if they were going to do that, they could put stuff on the web site. Richard still wasn't taking no for an answer. He said that they could put out edited versions of the prank calls or something.
Artie told Richard that if they want to put out a CD, they could put out their stand-up act or something. He said they need to do something original instead of using material from the show. He told them that they're making their reputation as funny guys now and maybe some day they can go out and do something like this. He said that if they're not working for the show in 10 years, they can do it then.
Robin wanted to hear the reasons that Richard had written down. Richard read through things like:
Howard played some audio from Bubba's show where Ronnie called Bubba and told him he's causing him problems. Bubba said that Ronnie definitely gave him permission to do it. Ronnie said that he would never do stuff like that without getting permission from Howard.
Howard asked Ronnie why he has to be involved in his horse shit. Ronnie said that when he was down in Tampa this stuff all came about. Howard said that's the problem right there. He said that Ronnie shouldn't be hanging out down in Tampa. Howard asked Ronnie what's going on here. Ronnie said that Bubba was talking to him about doing the shirt but he never agreed to let him make it. Howard said he had a picture of Ronnie holding the shirt and smiling so he asked him what was up with that. Ronnie said that he was asked to hold it for Jason so he could take a picture. Howard asked him why he'd agree to it. Ronnie said that it was for Howard's web site so he agreed to pose with the t-shirt.
Ronnie was yelling at Howard so Howard asked him why he's getting yelled at for something he didn't do. Ronnie said he didn't do anything. Ronnie said he got a call from Tim Sabean's assistant Jarred who told him about the shirt being for sale. He said he called Bubba and asked him why he was doing this to him and Bubba claimed that he gave him permission. Ronnie said he talked to Bubba about it back in April but never got back to him and then all of a sudden the shirt is for sale on his web site. He called Bubba and went off on him and now they're making song parodies about him and stuff like that.
Ronnie asked Tim why he won't come in because he was there. He said Tim told him he'd come in and stand up for him but he wasn't in there. Howard told Tim to come in there to tell him what went on. Tim came in and said that he doesn't know why he gets roped into his bullshit. Tim did tell Howard that Ronnie never gave permission for them to do it. Ronnie knew that Howard wouldn't like it and just dropped it. Tim said that it must have been a big miscommunication.
Howard said that Ronnie should call him off the air and have a serious discussion with him. He said that he should find out what the deal is and get that straight. Ronnie said he took the shirts down as soon as he called. Now they might have to burn the shirts. Howard told him to just let him sell the rest of them. Howard said on Bubba's site they show that the sale has been halted pending Howard's approval.
Sal and Richard came in with some new shirt ideas but Howard didn't seem to happy about them. They made a couple of Jew jokes. Richard said it was Doug's idea anyway. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ronnie is full of shit and said that Ronnie did give permission. Doug came in a short time later and backed Ronnie's claims up. He said that he never agreed to it. Howard said he just had to get out of this whole thing so he booted everyone out of there.
Artie said that he dropped about $47,500 that weekend in Vegas. He said that included the chicks. He was actually out there the first year that Howard was out in Vegas so he told the girls that he might be able to get on the show.
Artie said that he went to the strip club and the owner knew him so he told him that it was okay for him to take the girls out that night. He said he was getting ready to leave the hotel and figured he had to settle up with them. He said he must have fucked the one chick 5 or 6 times and didn't do the other one at all. He said that the one he banged was telling him that he wasn't paying much attention to the other chick. Artie said he would have rather have been with the other chick alone but she felt more comfortable with her friend being there.
Artie said that he had showered before they did anything. He actually showered with both of them that night. He was in good shape back then, he was only about 190 pounds back then. He said he felt really bad about the chick who was trying to please him so much. She actually washed his balls for him. Howard said there are a lot of chicks like that out there like that.
Howard said the chick getting fucked is the one doing all of the work. The other chick might have liked that she didn't have to do that much but it seems like she was really trying to earn her keep. Howard talked about the night he was out with Pam Anderson and her friend from the TV show ''VIP'' was there. She started lap dancing him since Pam wasn't paying attention to him and then Pam got jealous. He said Pam got so jealous that she had to try and get attention from him so she was lap dancing him and having the guys cut her dress off.
Artie said he had to settle up with the chicks from the strip club and ended up giving them a bunch of money. He said they claimed they could have made about $2500 each dancing so he just gave them the rest of his casino chips which turned out to be $5,500.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie could have been banging both of those chicks no problem out there. Howard said that Artie just wanted the one chicks and he wasn't sure what this guy's point was. He asked the caller what Artie did wrong. The caller said that Artie is a celebrity and he should have just fucked the shit out of both of them and come back with a good story for the show. That's basically what happened and no one was sure what the guy's issue was.
Artie said that guy may have been upset that he took those chicks out to dinner or something. No one was sure what the guy was talking about. Artie said that he actually got the one chick's phone number and has called her since then. He said that he thought that maybe one of them would show up to his gigs out there but neither of them have. He said that he tried calling them when he was out there but they weren't around at the time. He thinks they were home in Whoregon.
Howard said that sometimes he feels bad for girls who want to dance for him and they're not all that hot. He said he'll let them do it even if he doesn't want a dance.
Lisa said that Kenneth Keith Kallenbach is the star of a commercial for ESPN football. He's got the only speaking part in the commercial that will run through the season. Lisa also said that Scott the Engineer adopted a puppy after a 4 month process and now he's found that the dog is a maniac and it whines and barks all the time. Howard said that Scott should get a dog trainer and work with the dog himself. Robin said the dog probably just wants out of the house. Howard wrapped up with Lisa and went to break after having George do a quick announcement.
Howard said that the guys in the clips sound similar to the Star Wars freaks out there like that Darth Nihilus guy. He played one clip of a guy that sounded a lot like Spicoli from ''Fast Times at Ridgemont High.'' The guy was telling Richard that he was ''ready to rawk dude'' and told Richard that he was all about Twisted Sister, Quiet Riot and other bands. He said that he's rockin 24 hours a day. Richard asked him a bunch of questions about rockin out all the time. Richard said it was a lot of fun out there.
Mike Gange went out there with Richard and said the dude looked like he was full of dust and dirt. Richard said the guy was having everyone sign his t-shirt and said that he wrote ''I Love Cock'' on the back of his shirt and later on some girls asked him about it. The guy had no idea it was there so Richard suggested that he change the C to an R so it says ''I Love Rock.''
Gange told Howard that Jim Florentine was dicking around with that guy too and tried to convince him to blow him to get in to meet the band Poison. Gange said Jim spent about an hour doing that to the guy.
Howard played another interview that Richard did and the guy was talking about some weird stuff. He was telling Richard about noodling which is where you go out and just grab blindly for catfish. Richard said he never did that because it's kind of scary to reach in and try to grab something you can't see. The guy told Richard that he was there to rock and roll and drink some cold beer. Howard said that guy sounds just like Ned from Bubba's show.
Howard asked if there were any hot chicks out there. Richard said there were some back stage but not too many out in the crowds. Howard said that Richard got on stage at one point and introduced Enuff Z Nuff and started yelling out to the audience that he wanted to have gay sex. He went on stage as Rod Stiffington. Richard said he was trying to do something different and goofy. He told the audience that he was a gay porn star and gave them a list of the movies he's been in.
Mike Gange said that they brought Richard up on stage and there were press people asking him questions as if he were really Rod Stiffington. Gange also told Howard that Richard got hammered before getting on the plane to fly out there to Oklahoma. Richard had 5 or six drinks before the flight and then 7 or 8 on the flight. Richard said he doesn't remember landing, which is the way he likes it. He said that the plane actually ran out of alcohol. Artie said that's never even happened to him.
Richard said the flight was really fun because he had a friend with him who was crazy. He had a zit on his forehead and he saw him go to the bathroom and after he was done, he went in and there was zit juice all over the mirror.
Richard said that he wants to black out on the flight so that's why he drinks so much. He was mixing Vodka and Tequila. Richard said he doesn't really want to black out but he doesn't want to be nervous. Artie said that it's disturbing how much he's doing it now. He said he won't be flying again until September so he won't be getting that drunk.
Gange said that Richard called him into the bathroom to see his cock. He said he was putting his penis up to the glass door in the shower and squishing it to show the guys. George was laughing and said he'd like to see something like that. He can't touch anything though. Richard said he could pull down his pants and leave his penis out for the rest of the interview. Richard did it and showed it to George. George said that he doesn't like to see it all squished so Richard stretched it out. Artie asked ''What are we doing!?''
Richard asked George if he's attracted to his balls. George said he had to watch what he said but he said that he was very well endowed. He gave a description of his penis and seemed to be impressed. Richard then bent over and showed him his butt hole. Gange said that this is what a weekend is like with Richard.
Richard said on his flight back he sat next to a lady on this 32 passenger jet and she was over 300 pounds. He said he couldn't move the whole flight and he thought there was some rule about people that big having to buy two seats. He said he was drinking a bunch on his way back and said that he had to climb over her to go to the bathroom because she wasn't able to get up. He said he had to get up 5 or 6 times to do that.
Howard said as long as Richard was in there he was going to play a new bit that he and Sal did. They did another Jack and Rod show where they interviewed an author of a book. They'd cut her off every time she'd try to talk telling her they had a band setting up in the studio. She'd start to talk about her book ''Pain Was My Middle Name'' and they'd play some guitar, drum or organ music as if there was a band setting up in there. Then they'd yell at the imaginary person setting up to stop for a few seconds.
Crazy Alice called in and sounded very happy this morning. She said that she'll be coming up to see them before the end of this year. She said she'll find some anger for them when she comes in. She asked Fred how he's doing and said hello to George. She was happy to hear that Brad was okay with him now. She said that he wasn't being sexual with Sal the other day so Brad should be able to get over it. Alice said that she'd like to go to a Yankee game when she comes out there. Artie said he'd take her and it would be fun. He said that it could be an official type of peace treaty. He said if they're still playing when she gets there, he'll take her. She won't be there until October 22nd so Artie told her that they'll have to be in the World Series for her to see them. If that happens, one of his cousins is going to be upset.
Alice told the guys that she likes women and Howard thought she was coming out of the closet. She's said that on the air before though. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Andrea got her title years ago and she was so good that she's never been replaced. He said that KC is now managing Andrea. Gary came in and said there are people trying to keep order in the green room. He said that there's a chick trying to keep Andrea away from her bottle of pills and her Jack Daniels. She's got all kinds of meds and alcohol so they're trying to keep her away from that stuff so she doesn't kill herself.
Howard played a clip from the last time Andrea was on where she told him that she's in love with KC. In the clip she was drunk and admitting that she was in love with him and she couldn't do anything since he's got a girlfriend. She talked about what a great guy he was and that she thinks that he loves her too.
Artie figured that George was going to like KC. Robin said he probably would. Gary came in and said that Andrea and KC went to the casino where Anna Nicole Smith died and Andrea wanted to stay in her room. Howard had the guys bring the two of them in after that.
KC and Andrea came in and KC told Howard that he saw the e-mail Howard sent him on his birthday. He moved on to Andrea and said that he's heard some disturbing things about her. He could see that she was very happy to be sitting next to KC though. Andrea took a drink and KC told her that she can't have another one for another half hour. Andrea told KC that his girlfriend is a bitch. He told her that wasn't very nice.
Howard told Andrea to tell KC what she told him the last time she was on. She said she didn't know what it was because she was so drunk. Andrea was very drunk and sounded even worse than she did the last time she was on. She was barely able to speak.
Howard replayed that clip he had just played so KC could hear what she had to say earlier. Andrea said that she was done with KC if he keeps messing with her today. KC wasn't doing anything though. Howard played the clip where Andrea professed her love for KC and she just kept making noise while Howard was playing the clip. She didn't want to hear it.
KC said ''Wow'' when he heard that. Andrea said she saw KC's penis this morning and then told him to leave his girlfriend for her. Howard asked Andrea if she felt her life was perfect once she finally had KC. She said she did. Howard asked KC why he slept with her when he must have known she was fragile. KC said he thought she was attractive and that's why he was with her. She thought he was saying something negative about her and went off on him.
Howard asked KC if he takes 10 percent of Andrea's income. KC said they have separate contracts and he wouldn't do it for 10 percent. He said they have this new DVD out called Girls and Guns and it's available at GirlsAndGuns.com. Andrea kept interrupting everyone.
Howard asked George what he thought about KC. Andrea didn't know who he was and told him that if he fucks her over, she'll kick him in the balls. She also told Artie that he could fuck her over. She was saying that they can't have any more Miss Howard Stern girls, they already have a black one and a white one. She complained that the black Miss Howard Stern hadn't done anything since she got the title either.
Howard got back to this Girls and Guns DVD and asked them what was going on with that. They didn't get into it because Andrea was talking so much. KC said that she had another abortion recently and that brings the total to 5 and she ended up getting kicked off a flight for calling the flight attendant a bitch.
KC said that his stand-up career is going good and he's got a new TV show in the works. He had to stop Andrea from touching his penis around that time. Howard asked why Andrea thinks KC rejects her. She didn't seem to have an answer for that. KC said that he had to talk the CEO of the company they work for off a ledge. He said that Andrea got all worked up after they refused to serve her a drink on the flight and blamed him and the CEO.
Howard asked Andrea why she's drinking so much. She said she got out of rehab and ended up doing more coke last Sunday. By this point Andrea was really slurring her words and could barely talk. She said that one of her best friends died last Sunday so that's why she did coke again. Howard said that if she hadn't had all of these abortions, she'd have the Jackson 5 by now.
Andrea mentioned her Girls and Guns DVD again and Howard gave her another mention. He had the guys play some clips of her shooting the gun in the DVD. KC then went through a list of things that Andrea has done lately. He said that she's threatened to kill people and done a bunch of other things. Howard wondered what he's doing wrong because he can't imagine how these two can do anything. They seem to be having a lot of fun though.
Howard heard that Andrea stabbed her boyfriend. She said that he was a son of a bitch and that's why she had to do it. She hit KC at one point so he had to tell her to behave, kind of like you'd do to a dog. KC said that this is where his job gets difficult. He told her to do the right thing and stop.
Irish John called in and told KC he seems to be turning into a Howard K. Stern type and he should get away from Andrea before she goes the way of Anna Nicole Smith. Andrea gave him a sloppy ''Fuck you!'' when she heard that. Howard took a call from Ralph who said he can't imagine doing what KC's doing and wondered what kind of money he can make doing it. KC said that he really likes Andrea and he's trying to help her out. He said that he does a good job managing her too.
Andrea said that KC does a really good job, especially in bed. KC said that she was killing him when she says stuff like that. Howard asked Andrea why she doesn't use protection when she has sex. Andrea said that she's never had a disease and she's 24 years old. Artie told her that the other people who will never have a disease are the 4 unborn children she killed. Robin corrected him and said that it was 5.
KC said that Andrea has a meeting today for her own reality TV show so she's doing just fine. Another caller told Andrea to bend over and show everyone her asshole again. KC told her to bend over and show everyone her taint. She asked Howard if he'd pay her. Gary said he had $500 to give her if she does do it. KC, as her manager, told her to take it.
Howard asked Andrea what kind of advice she had for girls who want to be on the air some day. She suggested that they don't drink at all. She said that if they do drink, don't drink shots like she does. She also said that they should follow their heart and just go with it. Artie asked her to spell ''Appletini'' for them before she left. She spelled it and then hit George with a pillow. KC said he wanted to have a sword fight with George. Howard gave KC a plug for this web site ToughSportsLive.com.
KC asked if Howard had met Theresa from Girls and Guns yet. Howard said that he has met her and she's lovely. KC said she's really hot but he's afraid to try and bang her because this sniper guy that works for them might kill him. Theresa came in and Howard told her that he was exhausted from all of this. She said she was exhausted as well. Andrea went over to her and whispered something to her but no one could hear her, including Theresa.
Howard took a call from someone claiming to be Andrea's aborted baby. It was actually Beetlejuice on the phone doing a voice. He said he was number 5, the latest abortion. Beetlejuice said that he'd call back later.
KC said that Andrea had a seizure recently. He said that she was out in the sun doing the shoot for the girls and guns thing. She started shaking in the van on the way back. She wasn't eating or drinking all day and he had no idea what to do for her. He said she kept asking him for Jack Daniels. He gave her the shot just to help out since that's what she was asking for. Howard said he wouldn't last 5 minutes babysitting Andrea. Theresa said it's the hardest job ever. She said she had to fly out to her house and drag her to the airport this time. She said that you can't even see her floor because there are so many bottles and things on it.
Howard said he wouldn't last for 3 minutes with Andrea. He said that there are a lot of people working for her and he's not sure where the money comes from. He wrapped up with them and tried to go to break.
Howard and the guys talked about how they should induct people into the hall of fame. Artie said that maybe they could just skip a year here and there if there's no one good enough to get in there.
Howard said that KC should be in a hall of fame for being able to manage Andrea the way he does. He took a call from this guy who was going to tell a story but started to drag it out too long. Howard was going to cut him off because it seemed too long. He ended up hanging up on the guy even though he tried to rush through his story. Robin said the guy just wasn't interesting.
Howard goofed on the guy a little bit and took another call. That guy asked if they could start a death pool with Andrea. Artie said that they could put him on that list. Howard said he tried to talk to Andrea during the break but she didn't hear a word he said. The caller also told George that he's been great this week and he loves hearing his voice.
the caller wanted to sing a song to George but he didn't have a music bed. The caller also tried to do an F, Marry Kill game with him but it was so bad that Howard didn't even let him finish it. He had given the names William Shatner, Richard Christy or the Real Doll but Howard told him he wasn't hitting any home runs today and hung up on him.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Andrea is a train wreck. Howard said she is going down a horrible path and he's very worried about her now. He said that the Howard TV guys want to video tape her and maybe that will give them some answers to why she's such a mess. George said he can see the end of her story already. The caller thinks she'll be dead in less than 2 years. Robin said that they might want to get the reality show down quickly. Howard said that he's never seen her this wasted and he's really worried about her. George said she still looked great even though she was so wasted.
Howard said that Andrea panicked in the green room after the interview because she thought they were going to take away her title. He said Gary had to tell her that they were just joking around. Howard took a few more phone calls and one guy said that he can listen to the show through his iPhone because it has internet access. Howard said he never thought about that but it's pretty cool.
Mike moved on to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his news update. Steve said they're doing an investigation into where the Jackie Puppet is. He said that Gary doesn't even know where the puppet is. He said that Jackie is even upset that he doesn't know where it is. Howard said that's odd and he's spent a fortune on trying to keep all of that stuff in check. He asked Gary what's going on there. Gary wasn't around so the guys in the office said they had to go find him. Howard said he's very upset about that.
Gary said he thought the puppet was packed up with the TV show stuff and he's looking into it now. Fred threw in a bunch of Baba Booey songs as Gary was trying to explain what he's doing about it. Howard said that's part of the show history and he'd like to know where it is.
Gary said that he's heard that they've been trying to find out where the puppet is and asked their old office manager Anne Marie where it might be. She apparently told them that she thought it was with the E! props. Gary said he's going to look into it further and find out where the puppet is.
Howard said that High Pitch Mike got a voice mail from High Pitch Eric. He played the call where Eric said that he wanted to spend some time with him. Eric told him to give him a call. Howard said that would be funny if the two High Pitches hung out. The guys figured that Eric was looking for somewhere to live since he's getting evicted from his apartment. Artie said he'd like to know just how bad it smells over there.
Sal said that Eric was evicted today and he's looking for someone to pay for a hotel. Steve said that he wasn't evicted yet, he thinks that he may have just left. Howard talked to High Pitch Mike about going to all of these events all by himself. He heard that he's going to an American Idol concert all alone. Artie told him that was very gay. Mike said he's going to cover it for the news. Steve said that no one assigned him the story, he bought the ticket on his own. Mike said he was going to talk to the news director about it before he goes.
Mike said that this season was funny and he thought it was going to be great to see him in person. He claims that he's not like Eric the Midget, he's going to goof on the contestants. Artie told Mike he's scary. He said that concert is going to be full of 7 year old girls.
Howard said that they should do a dating game for Mike to find him a friend. Mike said that he doesn't seem to have any friends there and he gets left off the guest list. Gary said that the guys are telling him that he gets asked to stuff all the time but he always turns the offers down. The guys talked about how Mike has no cell phone so they can't get in touch with him about stuff like that.
Howard heard that Mike might have a crush on Sanjaya. They talked about that and checked out a picture of him looking very odd. Mike said that he's not into guys though. Artie asked George what he thinks about all of this. George said that the voice is very suspect. He said that he's very good looking to him. Robin told Mike he might want to go gay if that's the kind of person who finds him attractive.
Steve got back to his news preview and said that they got a hold of the new Commander Sulu doll that will be reviewed soon to the public. Howard saw the pictures of it and said that his face looks a little Spock-like. George said that he gets about $74.17 every quarter for the sales of those dolls. Steve also mentioned that the Superfan Roundtable is on tonight at 7 on Howard 101. He also mentioned that the Andy Dick Shit Show is on tonight at midnight.
Howard had some clips of Jon Lovitz talking about his recent fight with Andy Dick at a comedy club. Jon was telling Dennis Miller about what happened and why he smashed Andy's head. He said things were okay over the years even though he had some run-ins with Andy about Phil Hartman's death. He saw him the other night and wasn't mad or anything at the time but then Andy said something to him and he pushed him a little bit. Andy kept smiling at him so he grabbed him by his shirt and pushed him hard and Andy smashed his head into the bar.
Howard figures that Andy will be talking about that story during tonight's Shit Show. Artie said that Andy is a funny guy but he's had run-ins with him over the years himself.
Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap UP Show rundown. Jon said they'll be talking about Miss Howard Stern and KC's visit. They'll also be talking about the Ronnie fight with Bubba the Love Sponge and about Sal and Richard's antics this morning. They'll discuss Richard's trip to Rocklahoma and things like that as well.
Mutt called in and said that George will be a major subject of discussion for the Superfan Roundtable tonight. They'll also be talking about Riley and his latest visit. They'll also talk about all of the gay stuff that's been going on lately. Howard thanked him for that and let him go.
Fred waited until Robin said a couple of words before he played a Robin news theme song. He played one of Richard Christy's song parodies called ''Round Brown Mounds.'' Robin was about to start but Fred threw in another song parody where Robin is moaning. George was laughing so much that Fred wanted to play another one for him. He said he sees that George really likes them so he had to play ''Black Tits.'' George asked how they can take this day after day. Robin told him they don't usually play 3 in a row like that.
Robin read through some news stories and Howard took a break. A short time later Howard came back and said that the Playboy channel there is doing auditions for Playboy and there are a ton of hot chicks out there in the lobby. Artie came back in and said that there are about a thousand hot chicks out there. He didn't know what was going on so he had to ask. They're basically doing what they do on the show and evaluating the girls. Howard asked Gary to bring in about five of the chicks so he could check them out.
Howard said that the girls out there are a gold mine of hotness. Artie told George he was going to have to sit through this after the thing he did with Sal's cock. George said that he can appreciate a beautiful woman so he was looking forward to this.
Howard had Robin do some more news while they waited for the hot chicks to come in. A short time later Gary brought in one of the hot chicks, Brein. Howard told her she'd probably get in because she was so hot. She's 28 years old. Artie let out a ''perfect'' in a low voice. Howard checked her out and said she was hot. She's a mother and a homemaker and Howard still liked her. He said that she's got to get in. Sal asked Howard to get her naked. She agreed to take her top off so Howard took what he could take. She took her top off and Artie said ''next'' when he found out she was married.
Gary said that Brein had some notes with her and said that she can appreciate beautiful women. Howard asked her if she's ever been with any chicks. She said that she has in the past and she's pretty sure her husband would be fine if she did it now.
Howard let Brein go a short time later and Gary brought in Trish. Trish said she's an actress, singer and model. Howard said there was a whole lobby full of these hot chicks. Trish is 29 years old and she said that she would love to be in Playboy. She thinks that it's the best way to represent beautiful women. Howard told her she should be in the magazine as well. He said that guys must hit on her all the time. She said it comes with the territory. Howard checked out her boobs and let her go. Artie said it should be like this every day on the show.
The next chick, Katie, came in and Artie said she should get in the magazine too. Howard told her she was in as well. She figured that Howard would rip her apart if she was ever on the show. She was wrong. Howard asked her why she wants to be in the magazine so bad. She said that she looked through them when she was 5 years old and that's what she wanted to do when she was that young. She turned around and showed the guys her ass and Artie did his ''We have a winnah!'' line. Katie said that she's a full time nanny and Howard said he has to meet the mommy who feels secure enough to have her as a nanny. The mother is single so that's why she trusts her. Katie said that she does Yoga so Howard asked her to do a position for them. She did the Down Dog position. Howard said that everyone looked like they could get into the magazine.
Howard had the next chick come in. This one was black and Howard said that he can tell that she's going to get in even with her robe on. He said that not too many black chicks get into the magazine but this one probably will. Gary said they put about one a year in there. Howard found out she was raised in Harlem and she went to catholic school. She said she doesn't date too many black guys and right now she's dating an Indian guy. She said that he's from Jersey. Artie was in love with her after just a short time. He said he liked her hair. Howard found out she's 25 and an actress. She's also in school. Howard figured that means she's a stripper. She said that she's really not a stripper but she is taking courses to learn how to dance. Even George stood up to check her out when she demonstrated some of her dancing abilities. Howard said that she must be amazing in bed and he could tell from the way she danced. Howard found out that she was 22 when she lost her virginity and said that she must be too good for everyone.
Ralph called in to talk about missing out on the fun. Howard told him what he was missing and Gary said that they didn't even choose the women based on looks, they just grabbed the first five chicks they found. Howard talked to another girl that Gary brought in. She was Hispanic and told the guys about some of the things she likes done to her in bed. Ralph asked her who she looked like. She said that she gets a lot of J-Lo or Mariah Carey. Howard said he could see the J-Lo.
Gary had another girl, Michelle, and she said she has two kids. She showed off her body and told Howard that her boobs weren't real. Howard said she didn't have any fat on her at all. Howard told all the girls that they looked great. One of the girls asked for a hug so Howard let her come over to him and give him a quick hug. Gary told Howard they had two more to check out. It turned out to be Richard and Sal who were naked under their robes. Howard told him to get the hell out of there.
Howard had Robin finish up her news and told Gary to find the hottest chick out there while she did that. Robin ran through a few stories and Howard took some phone calls. The fans seemed to be happy that they got away from the gay stuff finally. One guy said that Artie needs to bust out the check book and try to get a chick. Gary came back in a short time later and said this chick had a good shot at getting in and she still had her clothes on. She was from Washington, New Jersey and 20 years old. She said she wants to be a teacher. Howard wanted to see what she looked like under the robe. She took the robe off and Howard was impressed once again. Gary said she had that ''Hef girl look.'' Artie started offering money to her and offered $7,500. She turned that down. She also turned down $10,000. Artie kept bumping it up but she was turning it all down. She has a boyfriend who is also still in college.
Howard asked to see her boobs so she quickly showed them. Howard told her that she's going to get in. He said he was glad she did that quickly, otherwise he might have had a heart attack. Howard told her she'll do very well because she's really a Playboy type. He found out she's made it with other girls. She said that they were friends in college. She said her boyfriend has been there as well. That was just about a year ago. She didn't remember how it all went down though. Howard tried to get the details but she said she didn't remember how it all got started. She thinks that they were just kidding around. She said she had to go after they got a little too detailed. Her name was Heather, she told them that as she was leaving.
Artie was all frustrated after that because she had turned him down. Howard told George to give Artie a hand job. Artie said he can just imagine being a kid who watched Star Trek as a kid and having that guy giving him a hand job.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:35am.
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Howard started off the show talking about how cold it was in the studio. He was also talking about Kathie Lee, Diana Ross and other things that were in the news. He mentioned all of the guests they had coming in as well. He said that Gary said the word ''coupe de gras'' the wrong way in a meeting the day before. Gary said he would never say it wrong but both Howard and Jackie said that he did say it wrong. Howard got off that subject and moved on to other things.
Howard brought up Kathie Lee and said he can't figure that broad out. Robin said she thought that Frank Gifford was just married to a wacky wife but now it seems that both of them are wacky. Howard said that Kathie Lee's sweat shops are apparently still in existence and they've just moved them to other countries. Kathie Lee was in some meetings over that and Frank Gifford crashed the meeting to defend his wife.
Howard asked Robin if she had tape from that meeting that was crashed. She said she didn't have any but it must exist somewhere. She told Howard some of the details about it. Howard also brought up Diana Ross because she was searched at a metal detector at the airport and someone may have touched her breast. Howard said that she thinks that she's better than that and doesn't think that she should be searched.
Robin said she met Diana one time and she was told that she was happy that she had enjoyed the concert after seeing her out in the audience. Howard figured that she knew who she was, that's the only reason she'd say something like that to her.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if anyone has George C. Scott in the death pool. Howard said that no one had it, he'd just checked. Howard also told the guy that he had to get to the segment where he goofed on Tom Chiusano. The guys spent a few minutes talking about George C. Scott's death. They talked about how that guy had some hot chicks over the years.
Howard mentioned that they have a new Saturday Night TV show this week. He quickly got in a plug for that and then spent a short time talking about baseball. Gary came in and brought that up. They were talking about these players who seem to be juiced up and are hitting tons of home runs.
Howard said that the Losers are going to be performing with Barry ''Greg Brady'' Williams today. He said that they're also going to have Gay Ramone in to dance during that segment. Gary said that guy thinks that KC is definitely gay. Howard said he doesn't think that KC is gay but he'd like to hear that guy's thoughts on him.
Howard found an audio clip of Frank Gifford defending his wife at a Washington DC press conference. He was talking about how his kids have to see all of this stuff going down and his wife is unraveling because of it. Howard said he would never go to a press conference like that if it was his wife. He can't imagine why Frank would do such a thing. Howard played more audio of Kathie Lee and Frank talking about the sweat shops.
Dennis and Howard spent the 20 minute interview talking about the same old stuff. Howard found out that Dennis spends quite a bit of money in Las Vegas. He used to say that he gave a lot of his money to charity. This morning he said the charity was Las Vegas. Howard asked him about the kind of money he bets out there. They talked about that stuff and about the new movie Dennis is in.
Howard also spoke to Dennis about his recent arrest. He was arrested for being drunk in public but now the charges have been dropped because there wasn't really any evidence. Howard also asked Dennis if he's banging a lot of women. Dennis said he's not but he has gotten laid in the last 4 days.
Howard talked to Dennis about the woman he had a baby with. Dennis said that it was a white chick but didn't say who it was. Dennis kept cursing so Howard had to ask him to stop with that. Howard and Dennis talked about the time Dennis got arrested for being drunk. Dennis claimed that he wasn't drunk though.
Howard took some phone calls for Dennis. One woman called in and asked him if he had sprained his penis lately. Dennis said he wasn't having any problems with that.
Dennis said that he's dating someone now but he wouldn't give out her name. Howard got him to give her initials out though. Dennis said they were T.P. Gary figured out that it may be Carmen Electra because her real name is Tara Patrick. Dennis wouldn't admit that it was her though. He denied that the two of them are back together.
Dennis also said that he will play basketball again but he doesn't know which team he'll play for. He said he would like to play for the Los Angeles Clippers but that's not set in stone. He said he has to play somewhere that it's warm. He said he'd play for the Knicks but it gets too cold in New York. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
It didn't take Howard long to bring up a rumor about Chuck having a big penis. Chuck then went into a story about how he had a Cherokee Indian name that meant ''Well Hung'' given to him by an old Indian. He told the old guy that he wanted to know the Cherokee word for wolf. The guy told him what he thought was ''Washow.'' He went around for years using that name thinking it meant wolf. Then some other Indians told him that washow meant well hung. The correct word for would is something like washay. Chuck also said that he has a nude picture of himself at the age of 5 and he had a big one back then. Howard figured Gina must have been frightened by the size of his penis but she just said he was very attractive.
Chuck also spent a little bit of time talking about the work out machine that he does infomercials for. He explained how he got the guys who invented it to modify it for home use and now they've sold over $250 million worth of machines. While they were talking about working out Chuck said that Gina's body fat was at like 12%. Howard was surprised that he knows that much about her. He then asked Chuck if he knew Gina's eye color. Chuck said brown but she actually has blue eyes. Howard tried to save Chuck and said that they looked brown from where he was sitting. Gina wasn't too happy about that.
Chuck spent a little bit of time telling Howard about their trip to Africa and how they were chased by an elephant. Then there was the story about Chuck doing a drug bust with some cops down in Texas. He told Howard that he's actually a real cop in some town in Texas and he was asked to go along for the bust. He was actually assigned to be a team leader in the bust. The bust went down and Chuck read the guy his rights. The guy then recognized Chuck and asked if they were making a movie. The case was later thrown out of court because Chuck was part of it and the guy thought it was all a joke or something.
Before Chuck left Howard plugged his TV show ''Walker, Texas Ranger'' which airs on CBS Saturday nights. They're in their 7th season now.
Howard moved on to the Tom goof and explained what went on with that. Howard learned that whenever there is a new set of interns on the show General Manager Tom Chiusano gives them a speech. Howard decided to take the new set of interns and have them ask Tom all kinds of wacky questions and secretly tape them. Yesterday Howard took all of the interns and rehearsed them for an hour and a half. He played the part of Tom and the interns would ask the questions. Howard played a little bit of the rehearsal and it showed how much time he took making sure the questions were just right. Then he played the tape of the actual meeting.
The first thing on the tape is Tom giving a long boring speech about what it's going to be like working on the show and how they may be subjected to some pornographic material. He even said that there's an ''unbelievable amount'' of it there. Then he tells them that if they don't want to file away a Penthouse magazine or a XXX tape they don't have to do that. Then the tape goes to the first question. The intern asks Tom if there's anyway they can be reimbursed for transportation into the city. Tom quickly said that there is no money for that and that's part of the downside to an internship at the station. Tom was already irritated by the questions.
The intern kept asking about money and Tom just had to tell him that there is none. Then the next intern asked if they get free CD's that come in. Tom then explained that sometimes there may be some free stuff but it might not be the most recent stuff. They also asked if there would be free concert tickets or backstage passes. Once again, they don't really provide that type of thing but they may get them into a concert if they're working there.
Then an intern asked if they'd be paid when they get on the air like they do at the Letterman show. Once again, Tom had to say no to that. Another intern said that her car was damaged on the way to work and asked if she could be reimbursed for that. Once again, NO. Then she says that she'd like to get on the air and she might have the initiative to go out on the street and interview ''..homeless people and nig*ers..'' Tom goes ''Homeless people and???..'' She pretends that she doesn't know that the word ''nig*er'' is offensive. Tom tells her that ''.. The word nig*er is pejorative in this country.'' Howard then spent about 5 minutes goofing on the way Tom handled that question. Robin said it sounded like his ''robot chip'' blew up. They said it sounded like he couldn't compute that word in his robot mind. They also couldn't believe the word pejorative was used by Tom.
Howard continued the tape and Tom went on to tell the English intern that she should go to KC with her creative ideas. The next intern asked Tom if it's okay if he meets a girl and she wants to sleep with him because he's on the Stern show. Tom then asked if it was a goof for the show. Kathy quickly said no and Tom went on to tell the intern that he doesn't direct other's morals and if he thinks it's okay to do that then it's up to him.
The next question was ''What exactly do you do?'' and Tom explained his job. They also asked Tom if he was responsible for hiring Howard. Tom, surprisingly, didn't take credit for that. Then they asked if he was responsible for bringing the Greaseman to K-Rock. Tom did admit that was ultimately his doing. Tom was running late so he told the interns that he would take two more questions. One asked if it would be a good idea to go out on the street and throw feces on someone for a bit. Tom said that wouldn't be appropriate. Finally they asked if they could use Howard's personal bathroom. Tom told them no and said he had to get going. Howard said after that meeting Tom told Kathy Tobin that she sure picked an odd bunch of interns.
First thing Howard asked Barry was why he doesn't just change his name to Greg Brady. Barry said he's known as a lot of things but he likes his real name. Howard also said he couldn't figure out why he did his album. Barry said it was a nostalgia thing for him because the songs are what he heard growing up.
Howard spent some time interviewing Barry about what's been going on in his life. Barry said that he got married 10 months ago to an investment banker. He said that he was married one other time but he doesn't talk about that mess. He said that the marriage didn't end well.
Howard also asked him if he got laid much when he was growing up as Greg Brady. He said he had his fair share of women. He sort of dated co-star Maureen McCormick but they didn't have sex. He said they did everything but that though. Barry only made about $1000 an episode back then but he said his parents invested the money for him and he has a nice nest egg growing for him.
They spent a few minutes talking about the guy who played the father on ''The Brady Bunch'' also. Barry said by the end of the series they all pretty much knew that the guy was gay. Barry said that he never came on to him though.
One of the girls back in Howard's office, Anne Marie, has always liked Barry and she was really excited to meet him. She came in almost in tears because she was so thrilled today. She told him that she grew up watching the Brady's and thought that Greg was really ''Groovy.'' She said she still watches the show today. She was thrilled when Howard told her she could sit in while Barry performed his song. She got to hold hands with him for a little while also.
Howard eventually got around to doing the song but he had some extra stuff going on. Dan the Farter came in to blast some nasty farts during the song and Ramone the gay guy came in to be a go-go dancer during the song. They all got into place and they started off the song ''Rhythm of the Night.'' Howard was playing steel drums, badly, and Gary came in with his awful trumpet playing at a couple of points. Dan the Farter was blasting away and we later found out that he crapped on the floor! He was trying just a little too hard. Barry was a good sport about all of this. He sang right through the song and didn't even seem to mind the crap on the floor. Jackie was gagging in the background after seeing the crap on the floor.
Barry managed to get a plug in for BarryWilliams.com while they were talking about the mess. He told Howard he had a great time though. Howard wrapped things up and plugged Barry's album and Nick at Night's 30th anniversary of the Brady Bunch celebration that takes place on Sunday from 9pm-12am this week.
Dan the Farter returned to blast Robin's news theme. He said he had to go to the bathroom to clean up his mess. He thought everything was out of his system during the Barry Williams thing but it wasn't. Jackie pointed out that Barry was the only one who would have seen Dan make the mess. Howard soon had Dan warm up for the news theme. Then they played her music and Dan farted right along with it with some really long, juicy blasts. Howard called him the ''Dave Matthews of diarrhea' and the ''Da Vinci of doot.'' Dan has a web site under construction and said he'd announce it the next time he's on.
KC came in, freaked out, and yelled at Dan when he saw more crap on the floor. Dan said he didn't do it but there was some shiny stuff on the floor. It turned out Dan wasn't aware that he'd done it again but it was from him of course. KC made him clean it up this time. Dan asked Howard if he'd sign the folded up mess but Howard told him to get out of there.
Howard also heard that Rocky had a bunker in his house so he asked him about that. Rocky talked about that and about how he thinks that there could be life on other planets after the guys asked him about that. Howard told him it was nice working with him and let him go a short time later.
Robin got back to her news and read through a bunch of stories and then Howard took a call from a woman Bonnie who is working with Robin to approve her adopting cats. Howard spent a few minutes talking to the two of them about that and wondered why Robin wanted so many. She had 5 cats already and she was going to pick up another one this week. Howard also told Bonnie about how Jackie's cat Timmy had been killed when it got out of his house. Fred played his ''Jackie Killed Me'' song parody after that story came up. Howard let Bonnie go and had Robin finish up her news. They ended the show around 10:05 (Master Tape Theatre time).