Howard started off the show in the middle of a conversation. He claimed that he hadn't left the chair since Thursday morning. He went on to play some tapes that had been on his desk for quite a while. The first thing he played was a Baba Booey song to the tune of ''The Price Is Right'' theme song in honor of Bob Barker retiring. They even had a Baba Booey bumper to the tune of the loser sound effect they use on The Price is Right. Howard said they should play that one any time that Gary makes a mistake on the show. He told Gary to come in and say something wrong so they could use it. Gary said he couldn't think of anything to say wrong but the day was young.
Howard said Gary walked in earlier and asked him if he had given him a copy of Michael Moore's new movie. When Howard said that he didn't get one, Gary said he didn't get any so Howard figured he was covering up his tracks. That led to him playing that new Price is Right bumper.
Gary said that he just couldn't remember if the movie had come in or not, that's why he was asking Howard if he had given him one. They keep track of everything that comes in, he checked it, and it wasn't on the list. Howard played that bumper over and over again for Gary's mistake. Howard wanted Fred to remind him of some of the things that Gary has done wrong that they could use that new clip for. They talked about Gary playing a bit on the Wrap Up Show that he was still thinking of playing on the regular show. Howard did his impression of Gary talking about that and then played the clip again. The guys all thought about Gary's other mistakes and kept playing the new clip over and over.
Artie said the great thing would be if Gary ever failed to put on the welder's mask when a hot chick is in the studio. Howard said that would be good. Robin said she can't wait for Gary to mess up now. Howard said he thinks that Richard made that clip so he thanked him for that.
Howard said he decided he wanted some oatmeal for breakfast the other day and they ended up getting him some shitty oatmeal. They got him some stuff that took too long to cook so he got upset about that and then his parents started arguing about it. His father was telling him that he needed a certain type and his mother was arguing that one type was better than the other. Howard said he tried to get them off of that and asked about something else. His father couldn't get off that subject though and kept talking about it.
Howard said he and his father watched the Mets/Yankees game on Friday night. Artie told him he saw the shitty game. They talked about that series for a short time and Howard said that they weren't able to stay up and watch the whole game so Ben was getting all freaked out that he wasn't going to know what the score was. He said he had to show his father how the internet can help him find that out. He said that he was blown away that he could find that. Then his father asked him what an iPod is. He had to show him what that was.
Howard said his father has always been against technology and they never wanted a DVD player. He said that they now love it and his father has been buying DVDs. Howard said he was going to buy his parents a TiVo but they both said they didn't want any more gadgets.
Howard said that they ran a special last Friday for Father's Day after Master Tape Theatre. He had a guy on the phone who said that it really got to him and he liked hearing that special. Howard took another call from a guy who said that last week's shows may have been the best ever. He said he couldn't wait to listen to them again over the weekend. The guy mentioned the Dr. Keith Ablow thing which led to Artie talking about how he has a session with him later this week. He said that Dr. Ablow called him and set him up with the session. He said that he really seems like a good guy and thinks that should be good. He said this one is going to be free but he didn't feel comfortable not paying him.
Howard got back to his father and said that he wanted to go for a walk on the beach with him. He said his father didn't want to walk bare foot on the beach so his parents ended up arguing about that. He said he never went for that walk because he wanted to keep those shoes on. He said his father is going to be 84 in July and he's kind of frail these days. He said his mother is pretty spry and they're working out during the week. He said his mother was talking about how fast the weeks go by these days. She said that the Monday's just keep rolling by.
Howard said that his father got really negative at one point over the weekend. He was talking about how evil and horrible the world was getting and he said it in front of his 14 year old daughter. Howard's mother told him he has to be positive but he went on talking about all of the negative stuff going on over in the Middle East. Robin told him he should have recorded all of that. He said that it almost turned into a radio show-like discussion there. He said his parents were going back and forth talking about that stuff. He said that he loves that he still gets to be around them and that his parents are still alive. He said he can't imagine life without them.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said that he feels the same way about his parents and wondered what he's going to do when they're gone. Howard said he does think about that and he doesn't think he's going to handle it very well when they do pass away. He said that he spends a lot of time with them. King was getting choked up because his mother just had a stroke. Howard said he knows he can't prepare for something like that. King was making all kinds of noise behind Howard so he said he was going to have to hang up on him. Artie said he thought he was installing his Moen faucets or something.
Howard played a clip of Richard's father calling and thanking Richard for the cheesecake he sent to them. He quickly said thanked him for it and got off the phone. The guys talked about how Richard's parents live out on a farm and eat off the land so they must get really excited when they get packaged food like that. Robin said she pictures them like the apes in Planet of the Apes taking the package and banging it on the ground and stuff. She pictured them using it as a Frisbee or something. Howard said they probably put it on as a hat and accidentally discovered that it was cake. They spent a short time talking about what else they could have mistaken that cake for. Howard said that they could have used it as a pillow or something. Artie said he got a great call from his mother that he has to put on tape too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Richard may have gotten the idea for the Price is Right parody songs from Bubba's show because he used some of those clips when he does stuff that he doesn't want people to hear. Another guy called in and told some stories about his father. That got Howard talking more about his father and how he loves reading the New York Times. He said he'd love to get them on the radio more and even had an ISDN line installed in their house so they could do the show from there. He said he can't get a read on them and if they'd want to do it or not though. They tell him that they'd do it ''for him'' but it doesn't seem like they're really into it.
Robin said that it would be great some day when Artie is out sick or something, they could have Howard's parents sit in for him. Artie said that would be great. Howard said that his mother really gets freaked out when things don't go just right for them so it's a nightmare for him.
Artie asked if the scene in Private Parts where his father was yelling at guys was really something that happened. Howard said it wasn't really like that. He said that his father did tell him a story about this guy Symphony Sid who had a problem one time where he fell asleep and Ben did do the thing where he commanded him to get back on the air. He said that his father told him that story, he didn't witness it, so they put that into the movie in a condensed form.
Howard said his father also got to work with Vincent Gardena so he talked about that for a short time. He said his father would try to impress him with that kind of stuff. He said his father would talk about that stuff and when they asked Vincent if he remembered Ben a few years ago, he had no idea who he was.
Howard ended up playing a prank call that Sal made using clips of his mother Ray getting upset about the trip to SIRIUS last year. In the call they have Ray talking about being upset that she wasn't picked up on time as she's talking to a cab company. Howard said that's the reason he doesn't want his parents doing a show, because everything just goes wrong. He wanted to play the actual message she left for him because he doesn't need that aggravation.
Howard played another prank call where the guys used clips of his father to goof on the people on the show. They also had his mother call in and had the hosts of the show all confused. Howard eventually got the clip of his mother's call to him after the nightmare that happened to them when they were supposed to be driven out to the studio to do some stuff but they never sent the car to pick them up. Howard said that's what he's afraid of happening again. He said that she shouldn't even know Tim Sabean's assistant's name but she does. He went on to goof on his mother's voice and goofed on the whole situation for a short time. He was making up the kind of stuff that she could have complained about and used Tim's assistant Jared's name for having done a bunch of things wrong. He and Artie were cracking up talking about that stuff. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard said that Artie was supposed to buy this shore house last week but it turns out he backed out of that and went for a different house. Artie said that this place is even better than the other one and he loves it so much he thinks that he'd keep it for longer than he'd keep the other place.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he loved that Ben Stern father's day special last week and would love it if they could replay it so he could record it. Howard spent a minute talking about that and then took another call. The caller asked how Sal's father's day went. Howard wasn't sure about that. Robin said that she heard that Sal wasn't going to talk about that on the air anymore. Howard said Sal did say that on the Wrap Up Show last week but then he spent 45 minutes talking about it. He played some clips from that show where Sal was asking to take a pass on the discussion.
Sal had told Jon Hein that he wanted to pass on it but then he went on to talk about how he and his wife discussed it and didn't want to talk about it on the air. He even apologized to his wife and said he didn't want to keep dragging her part into that forum. Howard said he likes that Sal's wife likes her outside relationships kept quiet.
Howard asked Sal how his father's day went. Sal came in a short time later and ended up goofing on Gary for a few seconds. Sal went on to say that his Father's day was ''alright'' but didn't elaborate much on that. Howard asked Sal if he's had sex with his wife since he found out about this emotional friend. Sal said that he has had sex with her once. He didn't have it on Father's day though. Howard said that everyone he's spoken to has said that it's just not going to work out. Sal said he thinks that they'll be able to work things out. He's working really hard at it. He eventually just said it's going like shit so that seemed to make Howard feel better.
Howard said the Howard TV guys had a clip of Gary doing something really dumb so they could use the Baba Booey Price is Right clip. They played a visual clip of Gary making a mistake so Howard goofed on whoever it was that picked that clip to play. Howard said he was shocked that they'd do that to him.
Howard said that Stephen Baldwin has been getting really creepy lately with his preaching. He got all religious and is going out and preaching on the web and stuff. He played a clip of Stephen talking about Paris Hilton. He said that he read that Paris had ''found god'' which got applause from the crowd he was in front of. Stephen goes on to ask people to pray for Paris Hilton because ''the lord'' could use her to spread the word. Stephen said he was claiming Paris for the kingdom of Jesus Christ. He said that anything is possible and then he and some other guy get all creepy with their preaching and keep talking about Paris and what she said to Barbara Walters.
Howard said that Stephen has been getting that act down pretty well. He is an actor after all. He was doing all of that on TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network).
Artie said that he got this voice mail from his mother that they were putting on the computer for him. He said that he had lost some Yankee tickets that he had set aside for his uncle. He asked his mother to talk to his housekeeper to find out if she had seen them. That led to his mother calling him and telling him that she was going to pray to St. Anthony about it to possibly get him his tickets back. Howard said that Artie is the one who should be praying, not his mother. Artie said that he still hasn't found the tickets and that was a week ago.
Howard got back to the Stephen Baldwin clips and played more of him praying for Paris to be used in the name of Jesus. Howard said he was fascinated with the guy in the background playing the organ. He said he came in at just the right time during the prayer session. Howard also said that it sounds like the people in the room aren't even listening to Stephen. They're all talking like he's not even in the room. Stephen kept going on and on talking about that stuff and was hitting all of the buzz words for the whole Jesus thing.
A caller asked Howard how people in this day and age can follow Jesus Christ. It's all nonsense. Another caller wondered what made Stephen turn like this. Howard said it's because Stephen's movie career wasn't going all that well and his wife was really religious so she probably dragged him to church and he found something he could do.
Lisa also said that they spoke to Billy Joel and his wife at the premiere and they had some nice things to say about Howard and Beth's engagement. That also led to Lisa talking about how there's a web site that's copying Beth's ring. She had one herself and it was only a $40 ring. Howard took a look at it and it really wasn't the right shape. He said that it's not imitated very well. Lisa said the web site is called Emitations.com.
Howard mentioned that Jimmy Fallon was coming in today so he wants to talk to him about how he doesn't seem to be doing all that well with the movies that they've put him in. The guys talked about how great he is on Saturday Night Live and how he could probably get a lot of great TV deals. Howard said that Jimmy will be in later and so could Michael Moore. He went to break after that.
Jimmy said that he's living there in the city and his girlfriend is out in Los Angeles. He said that's been going on for about two and a half years. He goes out to see her about once a month or she comes out there. He said it's actually pretty awesome working it that way. Howard said that he's the only guy he knows that has a relationship like that which actually works.
Jimmy said that his girlfriend was telling him that his TiVo lineup is really gay and she wants him to change it. He said he's got a lot of cooking shows and things on his. Howard said that really is pretty gay. Jimmy talked about how great this girl is and how he never really liked strip clubs or anything like that. He said he went out one time with the owner of a comedy club and he just wanted to leave when the owner was getting boobs in his face and doing coke.
Howard asked Jimmy if he listened to his show when he was a kid. Jimmy said he grew up in a town near Woodstock, New York and they didn't get the show up there. Jimmy was also talking about how his mother found out about a comedy place that was having an impression contest and he did a lot of impressions. Jimmy does an Adam Sandler impression that people really like but he doesn't like to do them over and over again on SNL. Jimmy said he doesn't want to keep doing them every week like some of the cast have done over the years. Howard told him that Jim Breuer used to do Joe Pesci a lot and he loved it every time. Jimmy said he was known as the impression guy on the show but he wanted to do other things. He would change it around trying to do various other things. He said he was known as the impressionists and then the guy who did the news and then the guy who laughs at himself.
Howard asked Jimmy about this impression contest he did. It was up at a Banana's comedy club up in Poughkeepsie, New York. He mentioned he did Jerry Seinfeld so Howard asked him to do it for him. Jimmy did a little bit of his Seinfeld without much material. He did have the impression down though. Jimmy said that he once did an impression of Howard but he didn't even have to say a word before the audience cheered for him. Howard asked him to do the impression of him. Jimmy did it but he sounded more like Johnny Carson to Robin.
Howard heard he does a Pat O'Brien impression too. He said he'd love to hear that because he likes Pat so much. Jimmy said he tries not to hit people when they're down. He did do a little bit of him though. Howard asked him why his mom put him into that contest. He said there wasn't much entertainment up where he lived so she hooked him up with that. He said that he had this troll doll that someone had given him for high school graduation so he took that and made it into a thing for the show where he'd do his impressions of celebrities trying to sell the troll doll. He started to do his impression of Bill Cosby but stopped after two seconds. Howard told him to keep going with it because it was so good. Jimmy said he ended up winning that contest.
Howard asked Jimmy how he ended up on Saturday Night Live. Jimmy said he used to watch the Eddie Murphy years and thought about how great they were. He said he was born in 1974 so his parents used to watch that stuff and he did see some of it. Howard heard that Jimmy dresses up as Artie for Halloween but he actually had his story wrong. He just went to the same party as Artie had. That led to Artie talking about a mutual friend of theirs, Nadia Dajani, who throws a great Thanksgiving eve party that they've gone to. Artie and Jimmy talked about the party and how there are a few other celebrities who show up like Heather Graham and Ethan Hawke.
Howard asked Jimmy if the rumor about him taking over for Conan is true. Jimmy said that he has signed a contract with NBC where he will take over Conan's spot if he leaves. He said that it's a little trickier than that because they actually won't let him do late night shows anywhere else. In the mean time, they're paying him to wait for that. He said that they need the next person to replace Conan. He said he actually substituted for Letterman one time and it was really tough. He said that he interviewed Kristanna Loken and thought that she had taken some marital arts stuff but she said no to that and talked about taking mime classes. He said that the pre-interviewer must have just slacked off that day and figured since Dave was on vacation that he'd be on vacation.
Artie said that Jimmy also hosted the MTV Awards one year and did a good job with that. Howard asked him how he got on SNL again so jimmy said he was doing a lot of comedy shows around the New York area and it wasn't all that much fun. He said he had given his friend a head shot and a tape and told him to show some people when he went out to L.A. To do work in the music business. He was discovered after that friend passed the tape along to someone. They thought he was great and hooked him up.
Howard asked if it was true that he was going to do a movie with Jessica Alba. Jimmy said that's not happening and he should get that removed from IMDB. Howard asked Jimmy if he's friends with Adam Sandler. Jimmy said that he's the nicest guy in the world. Howard went on to ask him to do the impression so Jimmy did some of that for him. He said that he had gone in to do an interview at SNL one time and they told him that Lorne Michaels wasn't going to laugh at anything he did, that's just the way he is. Jimmy said that there were a bunch of guys who told him the same thing over and over again.
Jimmy said there was a guy ahead of him who walked into the interview with a keyboard and a bag of wigs. He figured he couldn't follow him. He said he went in and did his thing and when he did his Adam Sandler impression, Lorne actually laughed. He said that was a great moment for him. Howard asked him what happened to the guy with the wigs. Jimmy said that guy is working at the Stardust Diner now.
Howard asked Jimmy about this song he has out now. Jimmy said he wanted to do something for the troops and he has no idea about politics and wasn't even sure if he voted in the last election. He said the last vote he remembers was voting for Ross Perot. He went on to say that if you buy this new song of his off of iTunes, a portion of the proceeds goes to a charity that benefits injured troops.
Jimmy brought up this song that Howard's father imitated back when they were doing recording sessions when Howard was a kid. Jimmy said it's a weird song but every time he hears it he thinks about Howard liking it because his father used to sing it. They got back to the song that Jimmy sings which is called ''Car Wash For Peace.'' Jimmy said that the song is really serious so he'd prefer it if everyone didn't laugh. He was kidding of course. He went on to sing the song live for the guys. He had Howard and Artie singing with him a little bit.
Howard asked Jimmy if he ever went nuts with his power and fame after getting on SNL. Jimmy said he did get into the drug thing but didn't get addicted. He said he did get laid a lot though. Howard gave him some plugs for his song and said that you can get it through iTunes. He wrapped up with him a short time later. Jimmy said he loves that he has SIRIUS now and that he has the show to listen to. Jimmy mentioned Fred's name change and also brought up Kenneth Keith Kallenbach and how he has an impression show that's really bad. He said that he should really stick to blowing smoke out of his eyes.
Howard mentioned that Michael Moore was going to be in and that led to Jimmy mentioning that he saw him on Letterman the other night and it wasn't all that great. Jimmy said that Artie kills on that show every time though.
Howard took a call from Kenneth Keith Kallenbach who asked Jimmy if he got his sketch comedy. Howard told Ken that Jimmy likes it better when he blows smoke out of his eyes and hung up on him a few seconds later. He went to break after that.
Howard read that Nicole Richie might be pregnant according to the paper today. He quickly changed the subject and said he saw that Dr. Roni was back today. Robin said that she can't get rid of them, they've been with her for two weeks now and now they're on the third week. Robin said she hasn't had any solid food in over two weeks now. Howard asked her how she was feeling about it. Robin said ''It's fine!'' and said that things are just fine over at her house when she stays there. Howard asked her if she would prefer that she wasn't staying at her house. Robin said that things are going just fine and she likes getting the infrared treatments done. She's also still learning to do some other things.
Howard's father called in and told him that the Vincent Gardena story that he told earlier wasn't right. He said that he didn't work with him, he met him at some club. He wanted to make sure he got that story straight. He went on to talk about Billy Graham because he did some work with him years ago. He quickly told that story and then Howard was going to let him go. Robin asked him about Symphony Sid though so Ben explained that story. Ben said that Sid was on heroin at one point and he started to bang on the glass of the booth and he gave his ''By the power vested in me by the FCC...'' speech and got him to calm down and get back on the air.
Howard went on to talk about how Michael's new movie is about some workers from the 9/11 cleanup and he shows that people in Cuba are getting better health care down there than they are here. Sean Hannity went off on Moore saying that he hates America and points out some things that make him think that Moore hates the country. Howard said that it's like you can't criticize the country over anything without these guys like Hannity thinking that you hate the country. Howard said that the government is more worried about the merger between XM and SIRIUS than they are about health care.
Howard had the guys bring Michael Moore in while he was talking about the health care thing. Howard then brought up this new movie of Michael's called ''Sicko'' and talked about some of the things that go on in the movie. They have one story about this guy who lost two fingers and the hospital told him that it would cost $12,000 to put back one finger and $60,000 to put the other one back on. He had to chose just one. Meanwhile, up in Canada, a guy lost five fingers and they were able to put all five back on. Michael said that the guy who lost the two fingers had to choose because they were going to have to bring in a surgeon from another area while the other finger was a little easier to attach. Howard said that must be heart breaking because the guy has to live without a finger just because he didn't have health insurance. Michael said that there are about 47 million people in this country who don't have health care.
Howard asked Michael about how he's treated by some of the newspapers around where they make him look disgusting and vile. He wondered if he fears for his life because he's hated so much. Michael said yes and no to that question. He said that he's not sure why he's so hated because in one movie he talks about how he would like less school shootings. In another movie he asks for President Bush to make sure there are actually weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. He said that he's gotten quite a fan base over the years but there are still people who dislike him a lot.
Howard asked Michael if he feels that he has to come through and make a ton of money with these movies. Michael said he doesn't feel any pressure, he just makes them and hopes that people go to see them. Howard said he's hated as well but it seems like it's 10 times worse for Michael. Michael said that the more fans you have, the more crazy the haters get.
Howard asked Michael if he feels that he has to dress up in the baseball cap and jeans and not ride in a limo. He said he actually doesn't give a fuck and doesn't care about riding in a limo. Robin said they print stories about him demanding limos and stuff and Gary said there was one story where they said Moore walked 3 blocks to get into his limo so people wouldn't see him getting into it. Michael laughed and said that the part about walking 3 blocks proves it's not true.
Howard asked Michael if he's going to fat camp or something like that. Michael said that he's been eating healthier and has lost about 30 pounds over the past few months. That led to the guys talking to Robin about her diet and dieting in general. Michael said that he's found that you should eat foods that are heavy in weight but light in calories. He said that oatmeal and potatoes are good examples. He said that he eats a couple of potatoes a day and they're only 100 calories each. He said you also have to get up and move around instead of just sitting around.
Howard said that Artie is having weight problems and has been having issues with having sex. He asked Michael if he's had those kinds of problems. Michael said he didn't want to go there but he's been with the same woman for 25 years now so they don't really have any problems.
Howard said that the government is now investigating Michael because he went down to Cuba to shoot his movie and he shouldn't have gone there. That led to Michael talking about what a bunch of idiots we have running the government because back in World War II this country was able to defeat the Nazis and Italians in less time than it's taking to secure the road from Baghdad to the airport over there. He talked about what a mess the war has turned out to be.
Michael went on to say that he never went to Cuba, he went to Gitmo (Guantanamo Bay) and found out about the health care down there. He said that he loaded some people on a boat and sailed right into Gitmo to demand that they get the same health care that the prisoners are getting there. Howard wondered why people are attacking Michael over this whole thing and if he can really go to jail over this. Michael said that he is being threatened with that and explained what they're going to use against him. He said that they may try to confiscate the film before it comes out because of these laws he may have broken in some way. He has sent a copy to some friends up in Canada though just in case.
Howard told Michael that they have this guy working there who is a big fan of the FOX news guys so they may talk to him. Scott DePace came in a short time later and said he really doesn't have a lot to say to him. He said that a lot of the things that Michael says drives him crazy. He asked Michael what he thinks they should do about the guy who lost his two fingers, just give that to him for free? Moore said yes to that. Then they talked about how the Iraq war was just so we could get the oil from that country. Scott disagrees with that and wondered if they think that President Bush thinks about killing all of those people over there just to get oil. Howard said that he didn't think it through and didn't expect it to be so hard.
Michael asked Scott a question and gave him an example of how if that same man who lost his fingers house caught fire, he wouldn't have to pay to have it put out by the fire department. Scott said that isn't the same thing. Scott said that he's not against a health care program like they're talking about but it's going to cost some people a lot of money. Scott said that he doesn't think that people should be able to get a million dollar heart operation for free. The guys went back and forth on that stuff with Scott arguing with Howard and Michael about everything they brought up.
Gary came in and said that they have some voice mails from fans who are claiming to cancel their accounts because Michael is on. One woman claimed that she was cancelling her ''Sy-rus'' account because Moore is a traitor. Howard said he's never heard of someone calling SIRIUS ''SYRUS'' before so he doesn't even believe she has it.
Scott and Michael went over a few stories arguing with each other before Howard told Scott to get out of there. He was going to take some phone calls after that. One of the callers was Ralph who said that Scott being in there for a half hour shows how unimportant his job is as director. He also went on to say that there is a lot wrong with the health care system and pointed out how hard it is to get your claims taken care of. Another caller said that Michael only shows one point of view in his movies so Howard defended him saying that he's just showing his side of the story and that's the way he does things.
One caller said that there are groups out there who tell their people to call SIRIUS to tell them that they're cancelling their accounts and that's why the woman didn't know the name of SIRIUS and called in ''Syrus.'' Howard said the guy is probably right because the woman didn't sound like a listener to him. He took another call from a guy who said he lost a couple of fingers years ago and he had to sign a waiver saying that they only had to put on the most important ones. Howard said that they should have put them all back on, not just the most important ones. Michael said that they can keep the fingers on ice for days and there's not even a big rush to get them back on so it's not a matter of time, it's just money.
Howard took a call from Hanzi who was calling from Canada. He wanted to commend Michael for the work he's done. He was going on a little long so Howard hung up on him. Another caller said that Michael is the most anti-American person he's ever seen. He said that he thought that his movie Fahrenheit 9/11 and it was a bunch of bullshit. Michael pointed out that he went to the Walter Reed hospital 3 years ago and pointed out how horribly they're being treated there and they're just now coming around and noticing just how bad it is.
Howard asked Michael how Letterman treated him when he was on. He said he was great and he loves Dave. Howard asked him if his daughter wants to be a filmmaker like her dad. Michael said she has no desire to do that. Howard wrapped up with him and
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he wanted to thank them for the Howard TV shows and also mentioned the Steve the Intern song that he played last week. Howard didn't like it but Artie said he kind of liked it more than Howard and Robin did. Howard had asked him to recut the song but he didn't think he had done it.
A woman called in and asked for a couple of moments with Fred so Fred played his ''Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred'' theme song. Howard then went to Fred who said that he thinks that Michael Moore is one of the best guests they have on the show. Howard asked him which finger he would choose if he had to pick the middle or index. Fred said he'd keep the index, the middle finger would have to go. That was it for a couple moments with Fred. They played the Fred theme song and the woman said she appreciated that. Howard said he likes to see what Fred has to say and now he doesn't have to talk to him for the rest of the day.
Artie admitted that he's a degenerate. Richard said he is too apparently and he will pay the ticket no problem. It's $50. Howard said that Richard must have been really sloshed to have to do that.
Howard moved on and played a clip from the news where a guy brings up a story about air guitarists and then says that he's seen one of the other guys on the news team play the skin flute but not the air guitar. Howard said he's pretty sure that guy has no idea what the skin flute is. It's a cock and he doesn't think the guy who told the joke knew what he was saying. Artie said he thinks that maybe he just had bad judgment.
Howard said he had another clip from ESPN that he played last week where a guy said something kind of weird about his hands being soft and then says that was a little bit gay. There were a few seconds of silence from the other broadcaster after that. Howard played another clip where this guy told another guy ''you always fag out'' when he was talking to another guy. Artie said that the guy probably won't get hassled over it.
Artie said he has a problem with Steve and something he said about him during a news cast. He was talking about something he had said about Sam Simon and mentioned that it ''happens all the time'' with him. Artie didn't know what he was talking about. Steve said that Sam didn't know what he was talking about when he asked him if he was going to run his show if he gets the Saturday night thing. Steve said something about that kind of thing happening all the time but Artie said that's not true. He wanted some examples but Steve didn't really have any.
Steve got back to his news preview and mentioned they'd have a story about Michael Moore and another story about Miss Howard TV being in a video for Barack Obama. Steve wrapped up with that a short time later. They watched the video that Steve mentioned during that news rundown. Howard said he thinks she was hired to do that video. Howard told Artie he should try to get a date with her. He felt like she was grossed out by him though. That led to Howard bringing in the new Miss Howard TV who was there to tape.
The new Miss Howard TV came in and Howard sounded very impressed with her look. Artie said she was the hottest chick they've ever had up there. She was wearing lingerie. Howard asked how old she was but she didn't want to say. She said she is in a movie. Howard told her she looks kind of like Pocahontas in her outfit. Artie asked her to spin around and was impressed by that. She said that she's a dancer, but not a stripper. Artie asked her if she'd get nude in his new media room at the new house he's buying. She said that she's actually dancing for the rap guy Daddy Yankee. She's going to be dancing out on the road with him.
Artie said that he had already forgotten about the last Miss Howard TV after seeing this chick. Artie said that he was probably going to jerk off to this chick by 2 o'clock this afternoon and couldn't believe that Jon Hein would never do that. Jon said he thinks she's beautiful but he just doesn't do that. Howard played her some rap music and asked her to dance for them. She did that and showed how good she can dance. Howard asked her if she's ever done any lesbian stuff with chicks. She said that she has kissed other girls. Howard eventually asked her what her name was and found out it was Desiree Valverde.
Artie asked Desiree if she would take ten grand to have sex with him. She said it would have to be like a million. She wasn't going to take the ten grand so Artie bumped it up to twenty. She still wasn't going for it. Then he bumped it up to $30,000. She said she'd have to ask her boyfriend who was out in the green room. She said she'd ask him so the guys brought him in. His name was Kelly and when Artie saw him, he told her to forget it. Howard asked Kelly if he would stand in the way of something like that. He said that wasn't a lot of money so he didn't think it was that great. He's been dating Desiree for 3 years now. He asked Desiree if she's into black men only. She said that she's into whoever she likes. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Kelly about his choreographer job.
Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who said that he wanted to stick up for Richard because it was his idea to bring beer on the train. Howard didn't let him say much more than that before moving on to Jon Hein. Howard mentioned that he didn't get to bang Beth over the weekend because she was on her period. He said that he'd do her during that but she won't let him. He said that he's still horny every minute and has a boner all the time, even after sex he gets one.
Artie said that he once pulled a tampon out of a chick because he was so into her. He said he can get pretty aggressive with a chick. He said that he pulled it out and it ended up on the floor. He said that he met this chick at a bar and she was doing stuff with him like blowing him. He said that they were also in the shower and in the bath together. Howard told him he should have written his name in blood on her stomach with the dirty tampon. Artie said that was probably the grossest thing he's ever done with a chick. He said he's never really wanted to have anal with chicks. He said he loves a chick's ass but he has no desire to put anything in anyone's ass. Howard said he always feels like he's poking back a turd so he doesn't like it that much either. He said one chick took him and put him in her ass as easy as he'd go into her vagina. He said he loved it that time. Artie said he did a chick who had some Ben-Wah balls in her ass while he was fuckin' her though. He said that was hot. He said she was a hooker though.
Howard said he heard that Jon Hein had tried to have anal sex with his wife one time. Jon said it didn't go well so they didn't succeed. Howard had him give his Wrap Up Show preview after that. Jon said they'll talk about Michael Moore's visit and Jimmy Fallon's visit. That led to Howard talking about that sweet deal that Jimmy has where NBC is paying him to wait for Conan O'Brien's job to open up. Jon said that they'll also talk about Howard's dad's call to the show.
Artie was blaming his schedule for not being able to lose the weight so Howard told him that he'd have Robin do her news so they could get him out of there.
While Robin was going through some of her news Artie mentioned that Isaac from Howard TV was working really close with the new Miss Howard TV. He said her boyfriend was hovering over her and that must drive Isaac nuts. They talked about how long the guys can spend working with those girls when they're as hot as last month's Miss Howard TV.
Robin wrapped up her news around 11:05am. Howard let Artie get in some plugs for his upcoming comedy show gigs and then ended the show after mentioning that they had Pam Anderson and Fran Drescher coming in tomorrow.
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Howard started off the show talking about the Scott and Todd show on WPLJ in New York City. He said they claim to be the longest running show in New York City even though he says that they've been around longer.
Howard also had to complain about his headphones whistling this morning. He asked Scott to come in and tell him what he did yesterday. Scott said he didn't touch anything and he doesn't know of anyone touching it after the show. Howard said he hopes that they don't have too many people messing around with his stuff. Scott wasn't sure why his headphones were doing what they were doing. Howard thought that someone had touched his stuff after the show.
Scott said that if anyone does touch something, they're supposed to come and tell him. Howard asked him to back it off just a smidge. He said things were perfect yesterday but not this morning. He told Scott to do what he had to and just do it a ''cunt hair.'' Scott went over and did his thing and tweaked the microphone. Howard asked him to leave after he realized that his headphones weren't squealing as bad as they were.
Howard got back to the Scott and Todd story. They claim to have been on the air for 16 years together but Robin and Howard were on K-Rock for 20 years... and they're still working together. Howard read through the story and some of the dumb things they've done on their show. Howard said that he never hears anyone talking about those guys and he wouldn't have known anything about them without David Hinkley who wrote that story. He said that the guys are calling their show the Sweet 16 show which he seemed to think was kind of gay.
Howard read that John Bon Jovi is going to be playing for them. Howard figured he has to do that to get his album played over there. Howard said he saw Scott Shannon out at a party one time and figured he'd embrace his radio career and talk to the guy. He said he couldn't miss him because he's got a huge head. He said he may have been pulled back a little bit but he's really not sure that's the case. He looked kind of feminine and almost Chinese. Howard asked Tim Sabean to come in and tell him if they have any ratings there in New York. Gary said he wasn't in yet.
Howard went on to talk about the Scott and Todd thing. They claim that the show isn't going to be music based, because the show is more about the personalities. He read about Scott Shannon's theory on what the audience likes and how they want to know a little bit about each of the personalities on the show.
Howard said that he can see that in 3 years, when his contract is up, he's not going to want to talk anymore. He figures he'll be done at that time.
Howard read more about Scott and Todd and figured he had to listen to their show after reading about all of the stuff they don't talk about. They don't talk about a lot of stuff so he wondered how they do a show. Artie said that he'd never last in an environment like that.
After reading all of that stuff he said that they're not the longest running radio show in New York. The Howard Stern Show is the longest running show. Howard and Robin have been on since 1982 so they're on their 25th year in New York. Howard read the line where they say that they're the longest running consecutive radio show in New York. Howard said that they're idiots because all they have to celebrate is a lie. They had a 20th anniversary over at K-Rock so this is a bunch of crap. Howard said he's never seen so much positive press for other radio shows from anyone other than David Hinkley. He said the guy must really hate him to write all of this stuff.
Howard said he's pretty sure they beat those guys even now. He said that Hinkley would always write negative articles about his show when they would drop just a tenth of a point. These days he doesn't see any ratings reports.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that those guys rip off shows like WKRP in Cincinnati because they did a turkey thing on that show. Howard said that was a little different. They had turkeys in their studio, they didn't drop them from a helicopter. Robin and Artie kept talking about how they were the longest running show in New York, even if they just wanted to talk about them being on terrestrial radio. They were on K-Rock for 20 years alone.
The caller also told Howard that he thinks that Sal and his wife won't last through this thing they're going through right now. Howard said that it is kind of rough when Sal's wife is sending messages to another guy where she's saying she loves him with her secret code ''143.'' That led to Howard playing the Bleeding Deacons latest song parody which was called ''143'' and about Sal's wife. Artie said it seems that those guys have it in for Sal. Howard said he admires Sal for trying to save his marriage the way he is. He said he's not going to bust his balls about that. Robin said she spoke to him off the air about that. Howard said he's not going to go that far.
The caller said that he found this tape of an announcer using the characters from Howard's show in his race calling at the Meadowlands. As the guy was playing the tape Howard wondered why he didn't hang up on the guy earlier. The guys talked about how that guy goes off on a lot of tangents and just keeps talking.
Bobo called in and talked about Scott Shannon and said he thinks that his face is pulled back. Bobo also wanted to talk about Howard's mansion but Howard didn't want to go there and told Bobo they should talk about his toupee and hung up on him. Howard said he can't be left alone to live his life. He's building a house but he doesn't need everyone talking about where it's located. He knows that it's fascinating to see where people live though. He said that they have Bubba's house in a special Cribs show on Howard TV. A phone caller said he saw that show and saw Bubba talking about how he spends a lot of time cleaning his guns in his special gun room. Howard said that he should clean his guns more often because he never does.
Howard talked about how nuts Bubba is after saying he heard from a guy that he'd tried to get into professional wrestling. He said that he's pretty sure that the guy is certifiably nuts. The caller said that he'd like to see Robin's house next on Cribs. Artie said that they asked him to do a Cribs show. He said he had a meeting with his accountant the other day and his head almost exploded after that. He said that he can afford this new house he's buying though. He's going to have a mortgage and he hasn't had one for a while. He said he's never felt so conservative in his life before. He's got some responsibility now and that's a good thing. Howard said that he sees some weight loss in his future.
Howard said he'd love to see a JD Cribs show. Artie told him he'd have to square it with his 5 roommates though. Howard said he's got a meeting with Doug Goodstein today and they're thinking of doing the Miss Howard Stern reality show. That led to the guys talking about what a mess Miss Howard Stern was when she was in there. The caller said he'd love to see that show because it's a train wreck. Artie said that the KC situation is a fascinating thing with her. He said that they learned that KC charges hot chicks to date him when she was in there.
Howard said he looked up that Darth Nihilus on Wookiepedia and found out some facts about him. That site is all about Star Wars characters. There was a lot of information about the made up character. He read through it and had Robin laughing her ass off.
Howard played another Garver interview where he was talking to a guy in a mask who was some kind of Star Wars character guard. He had some facts about him and ended up goofing on that guy by covering up his mouth to make it sound like he was in the mask himself. Artie got in on that too and laughed his ass off doing the impression himself. He and Howard were throwing lines back and forth about the gay stuff a guy like that might do.
Robin said that Richard is unconcerned about what his drinking does while Artie is actually kind of worried. Howard played some of the audio from the Wrap Up Show where Richard was talking about all of the booze that he drinks. They found out that Richard has only gone a month and a half without drinking since he was 18. He drinks just about every day. He even has to be shit faced before he goes to a baseball game and was drinking on the train on the way to a game recently.
Artie was saying that Richard is a really bad drunk. He gets really annoying and sloppy when he gets that way. Gary said that in one Howard TV show, the Bubba Wedding show, they show Richard getting off the plane and being unable to get himself into a cab.
A phone caller told Howard that he really enjoyed the Michael Moore interview yesterday. Howard said he got a lot of feedback about that and it was very controversial. The caller said he's not a huge fan of Moore's but he does agree with him about the health care system needing an overhaul. Another caller said that Michael Moore is spouting the same opinions that Howard and the guys are talking about every day. He said that Scott DePace wasn't all that great at debating Moore though.
Artie said that he knows this guy who had his leg blown off over in Iraq and he was saying that it's political correctness that's stopping this country from winning the war over there in Iraq. He said that they could just start bombing everything but this country refuses to bomb the mosques and stuff over there.
Howard played a voice mail that Richard left for Will when he was really drunk. He called him when he was taking a piss and bragged to him that he was doing it on 42nd street. Richard sounded like he was coming on to Will in the call and saying that Will loves hearing him take a leak. He goes on and on until the message cuts off. Howard played another one where Richard called back and repeated himself to Will. He then tells Will that he should have been on that booze cruise with him. JD came in to say that he wasn't sure what happened with those clips because they had an odd noise coming up in them.
Richard came in to talk about his drinking and how he does it every day. He said that it seems to spice things up a little bit. He said on Sunday he didn't feel like drinking so he was just drinking soda. He said sometimes he likes to have a mimosa. That led to the guys goofing on him about that. Richard said he had 15 of them during a brunch one time. He said it was free so he drank as many as he could. He said he ate one egg and 15 mimosas. He said he never, ever drinks and drives. He said he would never do that.
Howard said that he had the clip so he'd play it to show just how unfunny it is. He played the clip where Eric tells Richard how to do accents. He tells Richard to lose that Kansas accent and does the accent himself. Howard said it was boring and cut it off. Eric said that he was referring to something that happened on the show the other day but Howard told him that not everyone listens to every minute of the show.
Eric also brought up the Star Wars convention and said that Haydn Porter would fit right into that. He was going off on her but Howard cut him off and didn't let him say anything else about her. He had called her a stupid bitch because she had ratted him out about something a while back. Howard played more of the Darth Nihilus stuff and then went to break.
Howard had Eric the Midget back on the phone. Eric said that he was trying to rat someone out before and he got hung up on. Howard said that he was boring so he hung up on him. Eric said that bitch needs to be told on. Howard said that no one even knows who he's talking about and no one cares. He said that he knows when to hang up on him. Eric said that everyone knows who Haydn is. Howard said that he really doesn't remember who she is. Artie said that 99 percent of the listeners don't know who she is. Eric said that she's on SFN and she's well known there. Howard said that's just a small part of the audience though.
Howard told Eric that he doesn't get the joke, that's why he's funny. He told Eric to say what he has to say. Eric said that she's into Star Wars and she asked him not to say anything to them about it because they'd make fun of her. Howard said that he doesn't care, no one does. Eric just said ''yeah, whatever'' when Howard told him he knows what he's doing.
Howard said that he wanted to hear more about SFN and Haydn Porter. Eric then started to tell them more about what she told him on when he was talking to her. Eric said that she told stuff about him on the air that he didn't want her to tell. Howard pretended to be into what Eric was telling him and said that maybe she should be Darth Porter. Howard said that it's pretty clear that Eric is pissed at Haydn because she must have blown him off. Howard said it was fascinating and he was wrong for cutting him off earlier. He asked if he could go now. Eric said ''Yes, you can go now.'' Artie told him to go and get into his microwave and close the door. Howard gave Eric a ''Bye for now'' and then asked Gary to clear the rest of the week so they can goof on Haydn Porter.
Sal said that he has this new mantra. He said that whenever he thinks about his wife he thinks of respect and love and that stops him from doing anything to fuck up their relationship. He said that from now on that's what it's all about, respect and love. He said he's not going to talk about her on the air anymore, it's up to her to come on the air to talk about it.
Sal said that they were up until about 1 in the morning talking. He said that she was upset about him bringing this up on the air last week and he was talking about her betrayal. Gary told Howard where the songs are that Sal had written and performed in the past. Howard played the song ''My Wife'' where he sings about all of the things she does to him that drives him nuts. He sings about snapping her neck and things like that in a joking way of course.
A caller told Sal that he's wasting his time going to therapy. He said it's like pissing in the wind. Sal said it's not over, they're working things out. Howard started to play the Bleeding Deacons song about Sal but cut it off because it was so brutal. He played another one of Sal's songs about his wife and cut that off because he was so brutal with his own wife. Sal said it was just a parody song and that's what you do in songs like that. Howard continued to play the song where Sal sings about how his wife married him just for his money and stuff like that.
Sal said that he's learned something about women. He said that it's amazing how when you're with your wife you just want them to have great sex with you and you'll be willing to do anything for them. He said that if you don't treat them right, they have no problem running right out to fuck some other guy even though they're not willing to fuck their husband. He said that there are women out there at bars hitting on guys and then running out to the parking lot to call and see how their kids are doing. Sal said that wasn't him that he was talking about, that's just what he's learned.
Eric the Midget called in to defend Sal. He said that he saw him recently and he was very cool with him. He asked Howard to lay off of him and his wife. He said that they should let them just deal with things themselves. Howard hung up on him and took some more calls. A woman said that guys eventually get sick of their wives and that's a normal thing in a marriage. Sal said that his wife has made it clear to him that it's going to take time for her to gain her trust back. Sal said he's made her second fiddle for a long time now and he knows that's wrong. Howard let him say that and then played more of his song parody about his wife. Howard said he sounds brainwashed to him. Sal said he has a lot of love and respect for his wife and he doesn't want to ruin that.
Robin said that she thinks that Sal will give it his all and his wife will eventually let him off the hook and then Sal will give up. Howard asked him if he's helping out around the house more now. Sal said when he goes home and does try to help out and asks her how he can help. Howard let out a little laugh when he heard that. He said he helps her out with whatever he can. Howard said she seemed to have enough time to text her ''emotional friend'' when she was home alone. Howard told Sal that maybe he should ask her about that. Sal said that he's not going there though. He said he knows what he needs to do to try and make things better. He said that he helps out with dinner and taking care of the kids and things like that. He said he does his thing for the show and then goes to bed.
Robin said that the test will be when Sal tries to do the Christmas picture this year. If he can avoid doing anything goofy, he'll probably be okay. Sal kept saying ''respect and love'' during the conversation and that's what he thinks about whenever the guys bring this stuff up.
Howard thought that Sal must be taking lessons from Gary or something but Sal said he's not. He said that Gary and his wife are in that routine now and they're just going through the motions and he doesn't think that it's all that great for him. Gary said that's not true and they're getting along better than ever. He threw in a little dig by saying ''143'' to him. He also mentioned the ''emotional friend'' thing again. The two of them went back and forth a little bit.
Howard told Sal he thinks that they really should try to patch things up. Sal has been a jackass lately but Fred pointed out that he's always been a jackass and that's the guy she married. She should have known that. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Pam was there with Magician Hans Klok. The two of them came in and Howard told Pam she's looking great. He said that she still looks good even at 40. She claims she hasn't had any work done on her face. She reminded him that they did kiss one time. Howard had asked her if he had a chance with her now.
Pam said that she's getting a lot of new bruises thanks to this Hans Klok guy. She said that she's been put in a lot of places that she's never been put in. Howard asked Pam about the guy she was rumored to be dating but she said that she's really not seeing anyone. She did go out with the guy that they were talking about earlier but she's not that serious with him.
Howard asked Pam what she's doing with this Hans Klok guy. She's actually working with him in Vegas. Pam said she's having a great time as Hans' assistant in his show. They appear at Planet Hollywood out there and they've been doing this for about two weeks now. Gary came in and said they had a TV emergency and had to take some pillows out of there because they were blocking the view of her boobs. Right after that Pam mentioned that her father was out in the green room with her today. Howard said he'd check him out later.
Howard asked Pam about the outfit she was wearing and how she usually just wears one thing when she visits the city. He asked her if she's got a stylist. She said that she has someone who helps her out with that stuff a little. Howard asked Hans if he's tried to put the moves on Pam. Hans and Pam said that they've kissed a little bit. Howard asked him if he got any titty. He said that they work from early in the morning all day long. Pam told Howard that her dad is out in the green room as he was asking about all of that.
Hans told Howard that she's the greatest girl he's known. Howard asked him if he's ever tried to put any moves on her. Hans didn't understand because Howard was speaking so quickly. Pam said that you never sleep with your boss. She hasn't done anything with him.
Hans said that his boss told him that he needed something special in his show and he said that he asked Pam and then Carmen Electra. Pam turned it down the first time and then they went back to Pam after Carmen had to back out of it. Pam said they asked her a long time ago and she turned it down because she was married. Then Carmen did it for a little while but she didn't like doing the tricks so they went back to Pam. Carmen was afraid to do the tricks so they had to let her go. Howard said he heard a rumor that Pam wasn't the first pick, it was actually OJ. He was joking around of course.
Howard read that Pam was going to earn 3 million bucks for doing this show for 3 months. Pam said that they're very generous out there in Vegas. She said that they gave her a jet of her own and she has to be out there on Thursday and she's home by Saturday. Howard asked Hans if he ever saw the sex tape of Pam and Tommy Lee. He said he did see it. Pam joked that it was her audition tape.
Pam told Howard about her kids and how they wanted to go see ''Borat'' and she thought they might be a little young to see it. She had to tell them about the sex tape since they were learning about all of that kind of stuff. She said that they won't be surprised if it ever comes up. Howard asked her if they're getting laid yet. One of the kids is 9 and the other is 11. Howard also asked if they got Tommy's giant penis. She said that they've been blessed with the good parts of each of their parents.
Howard asked Pam if she's done with Kid Rock now. She said that she hasn't spoken to him in a long time now. Pam said that she would have married Howard if he was single. Howard was asking her some questions about anal sex but when he was reminded that her father was there, he stopped with that line of questioning. He asked her about the kids and if they miss Kid Rock and stuff like that.
Howard said that he heard that sometimes fans will come up to Pam and ask her to sign stuff like her naked pictures and stuff. She said it's not like that often. She had one guy do that but it's not all the time. Howard asked her if she's ever been offered ridiculous amounts of money to have sex. She said she's been offered cars and stuff like that.
Howard asked Pam what it's like to work with Hans and how they ended up kissing. She said it's just a friendly kiss. Hans said that they work together all day long and they really like each other and have good chemistry. The kiss just happens. Howard asked the two of them to kiss and they did give each other a peck.
Howard gave Hans a plug for his show and web site HansVegas.com. He talked to him about the show he does for a short time. They also talked about chuck Zito and how he was upset with Hans over the bruises she had all over her from this show she's doing.
Howard had Pam's father Barry come in. He talked to him about his daughter and told him that he created a masterpiece. He asked him when he knew he had a sex symbol on his hands. Barry said it was when she was about 2. Howard asked him if guys were coming on to her when she was very young. Barry said that he did get into a few bar fights over it. He said that guys would say things that went a little too far so he'd have to kick some ass.
Howard asked Barry if he tried to talk Pam out of marrying Tommy Lee and stuff like that. He said that she won't listen to them about stuff like that. Howard asked him if he ever saw her sex tape. Barry said that he never saw it. Howard told him that she was very good in the tape. Gary told him that Barry was going to jump over there and beat the shit out of him if he kept going like that.
Gary asked when the boys started calling the house showing interest in her. Barry said it was when she was about 14 or 15. Howard asked if it's a curse to have a daughter that hot. He said that she just about oozes sexuality. Barry said he can see why guys like her so much. He said it's not a curse though. Howard said it has to be a curse because so many guys want her.
Artie said that Barry is the kind of guy who can watch Baywatch and know it just sucks while other guys just see Pam on it and think it's great. Howard asked Barry if he ever had to pull up Pam's dress to spank her. He said he had to spank some of her boyfriend's but not Pam. Howard asked her when she started having sex. She said willingly, it was around 16 or so.
Robin asked Barry what they thought about her appearing in Playboy. Barry said that she asked them before she did it so they were fine with it. That led to Howard talking to Pam about how she was sexually assaulted when she was a kid. She said she never told her father about it because she knew that he would have killed the guy. Her first sexual encounter was a rape. Pam said she couldn't go to her father about it. She didn't want to talk about that stuff and wanted to talk about this Vegas thing.
Howard asked Barry if he would approve of him going out with his daughter. Barry seemed to like him and said that Pam likes him so he'd be fine with it. Howard said that he'd go to see Pam if he was out in Vegas. She gets sawed in half and fire spikes drive through her. She said that she does a striptease and disappears in the show as well. Hans told Howard that he'd be very proud of her if he saw her.
Howard thanked everyone for coming in and thanked Barry for giving them Pam. Howard said that all of America and Canada thank him for that. Howard gave Pam and Hans a plug for their show that runs all summer long at the Planet Hollywood out in Las Vegas. Howard told Pam not to run off and get married or anything. Howard went to break after that.
Howard took a call from Ralph who was doing his Darth Nihilus impression and asking for the other Darth's like Darth Maul and Darth Sidius. Howard covered up his mouth and started doing his impression of the characters in their masks. Artie did that as well and played the part of Darth Maul. Howard and Artie were goofing on those guys about being virgins and stuff.
Ralph asked Howard how Pam looked today. He wondered if Pam looks like Pam these days. Howard said she looked good. Artie said that he figures that if he stays at a C-level celebrity, he might be able to get her in about 12 years or so. He figures by the time she's 50, he'll be able to get her. He said he's going to fuck her and he's going to stick her with the breakfast bill. He figures that if he can get a Vegas gig and she's still out there doing Vegas shows, he'll get her.
Howard said that the thing that's a shame is that Pam never hooked up with the right guys. He said she should have hooked up with him.
Erica said that she'd like to meet Howard but he figured that it would be kind of weird for her if she knows she's being watched. Erica said that she was getting the feeling that she was coming off as a nut on the show and had to get off the phone. Howard said that he watches her masturbate in her house with those cameras and asked her to do it right then. She said she couldn't do it because she wasn't in her room at that point even though Howard said he could see her.
Erica asked Howard if he's read the poems she's sent to him. Howard said he doesn't read poetry. She said that she now realizes that she must be a nut and she's been that way all these years. She apologized for what she was doing. Howard told her that maybe she should check into a mental institution. Howard told her that she needs to get some help because she's mentally ill. He let her go a short time later. He also let Ralph go since he was hanging on the line the whole time.
Howard asked Fran more questions about politics and asked her if she knows what the three branches of government are. Fran said The House, the Senate... Robin stopped her and told her she was wrong. Howard let Fran continue and she said ''Congress... umm...'' She thought she was being put on the spot so she couldn't come up with the answers. Artie tried to help and gave her the Executive Branch but she still couldn't come up with the other answers. Robin helped her out with the other two.
Fran said that she's not running for congress, she's just trying to push this Cancer Schmancer movement that she's involved with. Howard talked to Fran about her sex life and asked when she last had sex. She said it was actually just a couple of weeks ago. She said it was a guy she was interested in and not just her fuck buddy.
Fran asked Howard if he would come to her Cancer Schmancer thing this Wednesday at 9am. Howard said he has to work so Fran asked if anyone else could come. Everyone else there has to work too but Fran had mentioned Beth's name as well. Howard asked if she was looking for a donation. Fran said that she's looking to get people to go to CancerSchmancer.org.
Howard asked Fran if she thinks that her smoking weed is going to hold her back in her run for congress. She had an explanation for that and said that she didn't think it would be a problem. Howard told her she's looking really good these days. That led to them talking about her cancer and how she can't have kids because they had to remove her ovaries. She did have her ovaries frozen just in case she ever does want to have her eggs inseminated.
Howard said that Fran's show ''The Nanny'' is still big in syndication. She said that Sony wants her to go to Poland to do some stuff because the show is huge over there. She said that it's done very well in many areas around the world.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that there is no one in New York who would vote for Fran. He said that actors might get away with that out in California but not there in New York. Fran said that she's really not running but she also thinks that the guy is underestimating her. She told the guy what she's done so far and said that the caller is doing a disservice if he thinks that she can't do this stuff. Her little speech convinced the caller that she would be able to do it.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if Fran is shaved down below. Fran said that she goes au natural down there but she does clean up her thighs a little bit. Fran also said that she doesn't like anal sex which led to her telling people to get the HPV shots if they are having anal sex. She said that it's a good idea to get that if they do go down that road.
Howard took a call from Darth Nihilus and let the guys play the clips of him for Fran. She had no idea what was going on and thought that the guy was saying his name was Garth. Howard let them play with those clips for a short time before hanging up. Howard said he might have a man for Fran and showed Artie to her. Artie said that if they do date, he'd pretend that Congress was one of the three branches of the government for her. She said she's never been good under pressure like that on game shows and stuff. That was her excuse for not knowing the answers to Howard's political questions earlier. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he heard about those Trojan cock rings on the show and tried it out with his wife. He said he stuck it in his wife's ass. He said it was just a little bit and he kept it there while he was having sex with her. He said that it had slipped in her ass while he was doing that. Howard said that it's impossible for that to happen. Gary said that it really would be hard to get it in there. The caller said that the whole thing went in though and she wasn't able to get it out. Howard said he knew the guy was full of shit and just hung up on him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got suspended from his job for trying to listen to the show. The guy said he was trying to get a signal so he put the antenna in a duct in the office. His boss found it as he was trying to put it in the duct and he got suspended for a week without pay over it. Howard let him go and took another call from a guy who had yet another story for him. The guy said that his wife asked him to pee on her so he did that and it was a great feeling. He said that they were on their boat going down the river and she asked him to pee inside of her. He said that he was hard when he did it so Howard figured he was full of shit too. The guy claims that he can pee while he's hard.
Sal said that he's seen guys in videos who can pee when they're hard. He said he likes to watch that kind of stuff. He said that there are guys that can do it. He said that there are some guys who can pee with their penis hard and curved up so the pee can hit the chick's in the face. Sal was unable to say the word ''degradation'' as he was talking about that stuff. That led to Howard playing a clip of Bob Levy trying to say Parssipany on the Miserable Men show last night. Bob had a hard time getting it out but said he'd learn it by next week. Howard thought it was pretty funny that he couldn't say it.
Richard came in and said that he sees Sal watching these pee videos once in a while. Sal said that he loves women but he also likes to see this guy pissing on them and smearing lipstick on their faces so they look like clowns.
The caller said that he loved peeing inside his wife. He said that she cleaned herself out by douching when they got home. He said that it felt awesome and he's never felt anything like that in his life. Howard told the guy he should try shitting in his wife next. Artie said that you pee in your wife, you shit in your girlfriend.
Howard had an audio clip of this woman talking to a guy as she's sucking him off. He said it sounds like they're feeding her lines while she's doing it though. Artie said it would be great if Jackie the Joke Man started doing that for a living, feeding a porn chick lines. He said you'd hear that classic Jackie ''YEEEE'' sound after each line. Howard played the clip again and Fred threw in a bunch of Jackie laughs to create what that might be like.
Jon Hein ran down his Wrap Up Show subjects. They'll be talking about Pam Anderson, Fran Drescher and Sal's marriage discussion that wasn't supposed to happen.
Howard said that Robin's boobs were another subject that was getting a lot of coverage. He played a new one about her boobs. Sour Shoes called in after that and played some stuff for Robin. He sang about her diet where she's lost 21 pounds in two weeks. He hung up on Sour Shoes when he was wrapping up that song. He also wrapped up with Jon Hein who was still in there.
Howard read through some mail about Jimmy Fallon's interview. Someone went off on Artie for kissing Jimmy's ass too much. One guy thought Jimmy had a bit of a gay lisp. Another one said that they'd like Jimmy to sit in for Artie if he ever leaves. That led to the guys talking about how there was a story about how NBC is trying to woo Jon Stewart to possibly replace Conan O'Brien if he leaves to do The Tonight Show.
A caller, Wolfie, told Howard that he had asked Michael Stipe from R.E.M. about Howard when he was on another talk show and the guy had some nice things to say about him. The caller said that it was the Jane Pratt show and she kind of treated Howard like he was crap. Howard said he can't imagine why she'd do that, she's been on the show and thought that she was a fan of his.
Howard read through some more mail. They got a ton about Michael Moore. The fans were split on his interview. They either hated him or loved him.
Ralph called in and told Howard that Artie really was kissing Jimmy's ass and recommended a movie that Howard might like. Ralph said that Howard will hate the movie and he'd be willing to bet $1000 on that.
Howard went into his Ted Kennedy impression after Robin brought up a story about JFK Jr's final day before his plane crash. He was doing a lot of ''Er-uh'' stuff during that bit. Artie got in on it and did his impression as well. Howard let out a fart into his microphone as he was doing his Ted Kennedy. He did the fart as Ted. Howard joked that Ted was going to vote for the merger between XM and SIRIUS until he heard that fart bit.
Robin read a story about how less kids are getting circumsized these days and that led to Sal coming in to show the guys a picture of his penis that he had on his cell phone. Howard said he didn't want to see that and Artie covered his eyes to make sure he didn't see it. Artie said he remembers getting the job there and it seems like something happened between then and now and he wakes up from this nightmare seeing Sal showing pictures of his penis.
Howard wondered if Sal had his sons circumsized. Sal said he suffered through that stuff as a kid so he had his kids circumsized so they wouldn't be teased. Sal said he was teased as a kid and it was really hurtful. Artie said he's never showed his cock to his friends. Sal said that it's just women who say that uncircumcised cocks are disgusting that sucks. Fred didn't have a problem with it and never really showed it to anyone either. Howard asked Sal if his wife's ''emotional friend'' is uncircumcised. Sal said he'd let him know after he blows him and also called Howard an asshole. Howard gave him a ''143'' (I Love You in Emotional Friend code) after that.
At one point the guys were talking about Richard's drunken calls to Will. That led to Howard playing another one of his drunken voice mails. In that one Richard was singing ''Hollaback Girl'' to Will.
Artie told a quick story about how he had to drive his mother to the welfare office for about a year after his father died. He said he didn't feel like less of a man than when he was doing that. He had never told the guys that story before.
Robin went through the rest of her news and wrapped up around 10:55am. Artie rattled off his upcoming comedy gigs which he's calling the ''Pay for Artie's House Tour.'' Sal came in and said that the Howard TV guys wanted to show his penis on today's show so they put it up on the monitors in the studio. Howard ended the show after that, right around 10:55am.
Howard started off the show talking about how he's apparently being sued for $100 million over some Cabbie nonsense. Howard said that according to the paper he's gotten in trouble for saying that Cabbie was fat when he came in the studio. They're claiming it cost the company hundreds of millions of dollars. He said that he pushed hard to get Cabbie a job there and this shows what an asshole he is. This has gone way too far for him. Artie said that this is self destructive behavior and he's now running his biggest show business contact ever.
Howard said that Tom Chiusano was nice and gave Cabbie a job over at the old radio station too. He figures Cabbie will burn the bridge over there too. He read through the article where they claim that his show is the cause for this weight loss company losing sales. Howard said he guesses that it's this I57 thing. He said that he told Cabbie he looked good but then Ralph said that Cabbie looked fat a little later in the show. Howard said that anyone that's in the studio can say what they want, it wasn't a paid commercial. He said that this shows that Cabbie is an asshole and has gone too far with him. He said that he knew something was up when Cabbie started sending him emails saying he had ''burned him.''
Howard read through more of the article where they claim that Cabbie was there to talk about his weight loss. Howard said that he was in there because he's Crazy Cabbie, not because he had lost weight. Howard said he has no problem saying that Cabbie was fat. He wasn't disparaging the product, he was calling Cabbie fat. It had nothing to do with the product he was using.
Howard read about the comments that Ralph made about Cabbie being fat and how dare he come in and promote a weight loss product. The representative from the company claims their sales dropped by 20 percent after that. Howard said he doesn't know if that's true or not. He said that Cabbie was fat that day and he's not afraid to say that. Gary said that Cabbie was booked to do the show that day to do some promotion for that product. Howard said he didn't know that though.
Gary said that Cabbie sent him a letter letting him know that he's done with the show forever. Howard said that he can't see this lawsuit going anywhere. He said that this is a bunch of horse shit. He said he doesn't care about the company or anything else, he cares that he's tried to help Cabbie out and then he goes and screws him like this. He said that Artie went out and did a charity benefit for Cabbie one time and the guy doesn't seem to appreciate anything they do for him.
Howard said he'd broadcast that show again and show that he didn't say anything negative about that product. He was just calling Cabbie fat which was true. He said that he obviously had Cabbie on for one too many appearances. He said that he gives Cabbie Carte Blanche to come in there but he's obviously too much trouble. They even tried to help Cabbie out by finding his real family for him and this is the way they get treated.
Howard said that he doesn't want mail from the fans telling him that they knew Cabbie was a mountain of trouble, he knows that. He took a call from a guy who said that cabbie was looking to sue the prison he was in as well. Howard said he knows he has to distance himself from that guy and not talk to him anymore. Artie said that Cabbie acknowledged that he was still fat when he was in there. He had lost 20 pounds but he was still big. Howard said Cabbie was still fat but he thought it was great that he had lost 20 pounds. He said he knew that things were weird when he got that e-mail from Cabbie saying that he had been screwed.
The caller on the line said that he remembers Cabbie talking about how he wanted a radio show when he got out of prison and he's probably pissed that he didn't get a full time job. Howard said he went around begging people to give the guy a job and they gave him a one day a week show.
King of All Blacks called in and said that he was in the green room with Cabbie and he seemed to be pissed off at Howard already that day. Howard said he doesn't care, he's going to drop it and stop talking about it. King also said that Cabbie ate a bacon and egg sandwich before he went into he studio and he remembers Howard promoting the product in a positive way so this was ridiculous. Howard said he never disparaged it and it was Ralph who said that Cabbie was still fat.
Howard said that Cabbie has burned every bridge in his life and he doesn't want to hear from him anymore. He told him to leave him alone and to have a nice life. He took another phone call from a guy who said that he hopes he remembers this in a couple of weeks. He thinks that Howard is going to take him back because he's such a nice guy. Howard said that won't happen and this whole thing is nauseating. He said he's going to let SIRIUS handle it since they're being sued.
Another phone caller said that if Cabbie wasn't fat, he never would have been on that product. He just stated the obvious. Howard also said that Ralph's comments are his own and he has nothing to do with that. Howard said he had a feeling this was some kind of set up for something. He didn't know it was going to turn into this. Artie said that they're not suing Ralph because Ralph has no money. Howard said he's not even sure if this is for real, he hasn't heard anything about the lawsuit officially. Howard said he can apparently make or break products there on the show according to the guy from that company.
Artie said that he admires what Sal is doing trying to save his marriage. Howard has also said that he thinks he's doing the right thing. He played the clip where Will tells Sal that what he's doing is ridiculous because he's apologizing for his wife and taking responsibility for having this ''emotional friend.'' Sal defended himself and took the blame for pushing his wife away. He said he believes that she didn't do anything with the guy other than talk to him. Sal said that they had a bad marriage and he pushed her away. Now he's trying to fix that. Will told Sal that he had lost his balls and he was giving into her every demand. Sal said that wasn't true but he can't speak for her there on the show because she's not there.
Artie said that was the most mature that he's ever heard Sal. Fred said that he was very clear and concise with his comments too. Howard tried to take a phone call but the guy wasn't there, he was talking to someone else in his office. Howard asked the guy what he was talking about because it sounded like he was bad mouthing a co-worker. The guy changed the subject and told Howard he sounded like a beaten man talking about Cabbie. Howard said that Cabbie was a friend of his and he's not sure why he does the things he does.
Artie got back to the Sal thing and said that people really act like 8th graders there. He said that Will was telling him that people were laughing at him behind his back but Sal shouldn't care about that. That led to Howard playing more of Sal talking to Will and defending his choice to try and fix his marriage.
Howard called Sal and Will into the studio and talked to them about all of this stuff. He told Sal he did a good job defending himself and said he thinks that was the right thing to do. He also talked to Will about what he was saying and said that he has no idea what he's talking about because he's not married yet. Howard told Will that Sal could go home and tell his wife to go fuck herself but that would make the marriage crumble.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Sal if he wears a skirt when he goes home. Sal said he does and said it was the caller's wife's skirt that he comes in. The caller said that men are turning into pussies these days and this proves it. He couldn't believe that Artie was backing him up in it. Artie said that Sal is trying to keep it together for his kids and that's the right thing to do as far as he's concerned.
Sal was telling the guys why he wants to save his marriage and said that he really loves his wife and wants to keep it together. King called back and said that if Beth did this to Howard, he wouldn't stay with her. The guys all said that everyone is different though. King said that people don't stop doing what they do. He figures that she'll be back to doing what she was doing in about a year. King wanted to know why Sal is trying to save this marriage. Sal said it's because he loves his wife and kids. Robin said that marriages don't survive with no problems, there are always problems and people have to get through them. This is what Sal is going through now.
Howard was trying to defend Sal but King didn't get what Sal had done wrong. He seemed to think that Sal's wife was the one who was doing stuff wrong. Howard said he couldn't talk to that guy and hung up on King. He took another call and that guy told Howard to make sure he has his security straight to make sure Cabbie doesn't come up there and do something. He said that
Artie said that he's not sure he could be the same good guy that Sal is being. He said that he might beat the shit out of the emotional friend but what Sal is doing is the right thing. Howard said that they have to be rational there because he's pretty sure Artie wouldn't beat the shit out of anyone. Artie said that he thinks he might just do that though. He figures he'd try to beat the guy up but he's not sure how big he'd be and he might get beaten up himself. Howard said that he's be upset if he found out that Beth had an ''emotional friend.'' Artie said that Sal is trying to be the better man by overlooking all of that stuff.
Will was goofing on Sal about some of the buzzwords he was throwing out and saying that it didn't sound anything like him, it was just the therapy speaking. Sal told Will that his marriage will be a disaster and a mess just like every other marriage out there.
Howard took some more phone calls and let some fans talk about what they've gone through in their marriages. One guy said that at least Sal is trying to save the whole thing. He said that's very admirable. Howard said he's gotten some song parodies about Sal's wife's ''emotional friend'' so he played one of them to the tune of a Carly Simon song. Howard said it wasn't all that great but it they gave it a try. The more he heard it, the more he liked it. Artie said he liked the song.
Will asked why Sal came in there and started taking about the problems if he was trying to save the marriage. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Will is an asshole and he has no idea what marriage is like. He said he has no clue about that stuff.
Howard played a bunch of songs where they threw in the Darth Nihilus clips. That had Artie laughing a bit. Howard said that he played a clip of that character talking in the Star Wars video game he's from and you can't even understand a word he says. He played that clip again and said that the woman in the game has a subtitle under her but Darth Nihilus doesn't. He played even more songs that they threw the ''I'm Darth Nihilus'' clip into. Robin said they really have to meet that guy. Howard wondered if the guy knows that they're into him this much. Robin figures he has no idea.
Howard also played a clip of this guy who is in a Gamorrean Guard outfit and wearing a mask so he can't hear and his voice is all muffled. That's where Howard and Artie got the idea to cover up their mouths and talk like one of the Star Wars guys. Howard said that he didn't know what a Gamorrean Guard was until yesterday. He thought that they were the guys in white outfits but those guys are Stormtroopers. He said that this guy is playing a troll like character that he's never even noticed in the movies. Howard started covering his mouth and muffling his voice again. He goofed on the Gamorrean Guard guy for a short time.
Howard and the guys were talking about those Star Wars conventions and wondered if George Lucas shows up to them. Gary said he heard that Carrie Fisher shows up to some of them. Howard was talking about all of that with his muffled voice. He said he had to take a break but he had one more caller who wanted to talk to Sal. The caller said that he should nip this shit in the bud because you can't trust these bitches. Robin said there was a woman who called into the Wrap Up Show that said she was in a similar situation where she ended up running off with the emotional friend because he came in at the right time when she and her husband were having problems. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Robin was on TV last night flaunting her assets. He said he watched the show and thought she looked very good. He also thought that she was very clear headed. He said she was out shopping and things like that. He played some clips from the show where they talked about Robin's diet and how she's lost 21 pounds already. Howard said that's all she has to say is that she lost that 20 pounds in 10 days and people run out to get the book. Robin told the guys about the drink she had which was a probiotic drink. Artie showed her the drink he had which was his Starbucks Mocha Frappachino. He said it's basically a chocolate shake with whipped cream on top of it. He said he didn't realize that if you ask for a frozen Mocha Frappachino, you're being redundant. He said that the chick there told him he doesn't have to say frozen because the Frappachino means it's frozen.
Fred did a search and found that a similar drink is 490 calories. He also said that the web site said that it's almost like sipping a quarter pounder with cheese through a straw because they both have about the same amount of calories.
Howard said that Artie is wearing this cap today and he thought it was just a fashion statement because it doesn't warm your head or anything. Artie said that it's a ''cabbie hat'' that he's had for a long time now. Howard told Jason to take a picture and put that up on the web site. Artie said that's the hat he wears out to get his paper on Sunday morning.
Robin said that Dr. Roni was telling her how happy she was with the promotion she was getting on that show last night.
Lisa said that this show on DIY is going to be helping out with this new house of his. The show is called Man Caves and they're going to take one of the rooms and do whatever he wants with it for free. Artie said that this guy he knows is going to be the host and he's going to ask them to create a media room for him. Howard told him that a media room is expensive so that's a good idea. Artie said that they'll probably use the good stuff because they won't want him bad mouthing the equipment. Artie said he has to be on the show for two days and they do all of the work. He said that they're going to ask him what he wants and then they set it all up. Howard told Robin that she has to do something like that as well. Lisa said they told her that Artie has to pick up a hammer and do some of the work himself. Artie said he's fine with that.
Artie is also on the Maxim.com web site where they talk about celebrities that would be great as video game characters. They say that Artie would be great as Super Mario.
Howard asked Jeff why he did this. Jeff said he wanted to be famous and he always cheated in high school. Howard said that Jeff actually stole some material from Jim Florentine one time and did his material right before Florentine went on stage. Florentine didn't know it so when he went out and did his thing, the crowd booed him. Jeff said that was terrible. He explained how he had stolen this one joke from Jim and used it that night not even knowing that Jim was there. He said that the joke was about SAT tests and he used it because the place was full of kids who had just graduated from high school. Jeff said he sat there and watched Jim go up on stage and get booed. He said it was horrendous.
Howard said that Jeff lists comedians who have ripped off other guys and said that Artie has stolen a joke here and there. Artie said that he's never knowingly stolen a joke at a big gig or on TV. He said that he tells jokes but he'll always put a footnote in there and let the crowd know who he borrowed it from.
Jeff said that he knows of other guys like Robin Williams who have stolen jokes from other guys. He said he's seen a lot of guys tell joke-jokes that aren't theirs just to get a laugh if they're bombing. He thinks that the people who wrote those jokes should get credit too.
Jeff said that he has a problem with Greg Fitzsimmons as well. He didn't say what his problem was at first and said he had to plug his movie which just came out. He mentioned that but Howard thought they were all over the place and sounded like he was about to hang up on him. Jeff was still all over the place but then brought up the Fitzsimmons thing again. He told Howard that Greg told him that he'd help get him on a show if he wrote him a 500 word apology. Howard cut him off and said that he was going to let him go. He said that his book Train Wreck was made into a movie so that's why he was actually calling in today.
Jeff also wrote an article for Penthouse magazine which will be in next month's issue. Howard was having trouble talking to the guy so he let him go and then went on to try and figure out what he was talking about. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard was having some problems with his computer because songs were playing themselves. There were all kinds of songs starting and stopping. He also said that his computer has been printing out ''666'' for some reason. He showed the guys and they said that maybe there was a problem with the keyboard. Howard said he doesn't even have a keyboard. Scott the Engineer found that there was something laying on the keyboard which was hidden from Howard's view. It was laying on the number 6 key and causing the problems.
Howard got back to the computer and played some song parodies and stuff. He said that maybe they don't even need that keyboard in the studio. Scott said that they need it to run the computer just in case there are problems. Howard told him to move it to a high shelf or something.
Howard said Scott is funny, he was out complaining about Artie getting that deal to do the room in his house for free. Howard asked him why he thinks that he'd get something like that. Scott said that he wasn't complaining. Gary said he heard him say it. Scott said he was just joking around. Howard spent a minute talking to him about that and pointed out that even SIRIUS doesn't want him going to client meetings. Artie told Scott to just come over to his place the day they do the shoot.
Howard Played a bunch of Darth Nihilus clips that were thrown into a bunch of songs. Artie figured they were from Dan the Song Parody Man and he was right. Howard said that Dan was probably up for hours making those songs.
Howard said the story they were doing was about how Michael Bloomberg is removing himself from being a Republican and may be running for President as an independent. Robin said she wishes that they could keep him as Mayor there in New York City but the term limits are ridiculous. Howard ended up talking about how much people hate the Jews and how he'll never be able to become President because they're hated so much. They were also talking about Barack Obama and how hard it would be for a black man to become President. They were wondering who would get elected first, a Jew or a Black guy.
Artie threw out Mike Bloomberg vs. an OJ Simpson looking type. Howard said that he thinks that OJ himself would win over a Jew. He also thinks that a Jew might be able to beat a gay guy. He went around the room and asked everyone if they think a Jew or Gay would win. Robin said Jew, Fred said Jew and Artie said Jew. Howard asked ''Jew vs. a guy arrested for armed robbery... and white.'' Howard and the guys didn't think the Jew would win in that case. Howard asked ''Jew vs. a pedophile'' and the guys all said the Jew would win.
Howard asked if a Jew or a guy dressed in a Darth Nihilus costume would win. He figured it would be Darth Nihilus. He played some more of Dan the Song Parody Man's songs and then replayed the telemarketer call he played a little earlier.
Artie said that he hopes that his father remembers that word. He said he knows the word and they had a few conversations about it before he passed away. He said it's nothing that obvious though so it won't be ''Thurman Munson'' or anything like that. Howard said that the weird thing about Ghost was that Demi Moore wasn't all that freaked out when her dead husband contacted her. He said that he'd never make out with Whoopi even if Beth had passed away and came back through her. He said that movie was kind of crazy if you think about it and break it all down that way.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they could turn around and sue Cabbie for mentioning that weight loss drug he was using on a show when they specifically told him not to. They had another sponsor at the time and asked him not to mention it but he went right ahead and did it. Howard told him that he's not going to go after Cabbie for that.
Ralph called in and said that Gary Garver is going out to do these interviews and he's not bringing a camera with him. Howard said that they say that it's too expensive or something and he's not sure why that is. Ralph suggested they just get Gary a helmet cam to get some video.
Howard got back to the Bloomberg discussion and talked a little bit about him and about Hillary Clinton. Howard said that it's going to be tough to choose between Rudy Giuliani and Hillary.
Howard said that Fran Drescher and Pam Anderson running into each other in the halls yesterday. Pam told Fran that ''cancer is schmancer'' when she was talking to her so that was the clip he played.
A caller said that there's a psychic who has a show there at SIRIUS that the might want to get on the show to do the thing with Artie. Howard said that all psychics are fake and if he can prove it by having this woman try to contact Artie's dead father. Artie said that he'd be amazed if the woman got just the first letter of this secret password. That led to a phone caller saying that he thinks that the word is ''Managotti.'' Artie said he's not going to give any hints about what it is.
Gary said that there is a psychic in the building who does a show there so he was going to try to track her down and get her on the show. Artie wrote the word down and gave it to Howard to hold in his pocket, without looking at it.
Artie said he had to talk about this documentary he saw called ''The Bridge'' which is about these guys who set up a bunch of cameras and they caught 24 people killing themselves by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. They go back and interview the people in their lives. He said that some guys will pace for hours on the bridge and then they just leap off. He said it's the most fascinating thing he's seen. He said that one kid survived and they talk to him in the movie. He said he'd like someone to send in the DVD if they have it.
Howard changed subjects and said that he's really getting bummed out with this merger between the two satellite radio companies. There are a bunch of people who are against it and it looks like it may not happen now. He said that before he signed his deal with satellite radio, the DJs at his old station were working for either XM or SIRIUS. He said the day he announced he was moving to SIRIUS, they put a stop to that. He said that this all has to be political because there's no reason to be against this merger. He said it's wild that they're more worried about this than they are about soldiers not being able to get decent health care.
Howard had the guys bring in the psychic whose name he didn't know. Howard said that she was hot but that turned out to be an intern who came in. Gary came in with Mary O a short time later. She's from 102 Sirius Stars. Howard told her this was simple, Artie's father died several years ago and they had a password that they were going to use to contact each other. Howard said that he doesn't believe in psychics at all but if she can tell them what the word is, he said he'd kiss her feet and change his view on the whole psychic thing. He said he'd call her the world's greatest psychic ever.
Mary O said that she has been tested and they've found that she is very good at what she does. She said she never wanted any accolades for what she does. She said it just came. She told Howard that she reads consciousness but Howard cut her off saying he didn't want to hear all of that, he just wanted her to do her thing. He told her that he'll believe in her if she comes up with this password.
Mary went on to talk to Artie and said that she was picking up something about him. She said that his father was calling him an asshole. She said that it was a loving term and he kept bringing her by the docks by some big ships. She said she was seeing him by a lot of concrete and maybe he wanted to talk about being in a crypt and not underground. She said that she was seeing cars, Chevy's, a GTO and cars revving up. She was looking at cars in the 60s and 70s. She asked who Mike or Mikey is. Artie said that he has four of his best Friend are by the name of Mike. She said that she felt like his father was giving him a key or a car as a hint to the password. Artie said that his father never called him an asshole when he was growing up with him. He also said that his father had no one around him with a Mike.
Artie said that he did work at the docks and his father was into cars and worked with tools but that was all pretty vague. Howard told her to ask Mr. Lange what the password was and he'd believe her if she came up with the word. She said that even after all of what she said, he's still not going to believe her? Of course not. Howard said that a lot of guys from that era liked cars and worked at places like on the dock. Howard asked her what the secret password was. Howard said he doesn't care about all of the other hocus pocus stuff.
Mary then said she was going back and trying to find out what that password was. She said that maybe the lock and key had to do with the Houdini. She said she was getting the word ''treasure'' and Artie told her that wasn't even close. He said he did work on the docks and had friends by the name of Mike but nothing else she said was shocking to him.
Howard said that he'd listen to Mary on SIRIUS Stars 102. He said he just needs one psychic to come in there and tell him what that word is. He let Mary go after that. Artie joked that Mary was going to sue them after that. Howard said that he had the late Hank the Dwarf on the phone and he wanted a psychic reading. The guys had some audio clips of him saying some stuff.
Siobhan the transsexual called in and said she was relieved that Mary didn't come up with the word. She thought that there were going to be some shenanigans going on there with that woman. Howard said they wouldn't do anything like that. Siobhan said that she was glad they kept some integrity there. Howard said they always have integrity.
Howard played a clip of Lisa G getting an interview with Bob Sheefer who was replaced by Katie Couric. She asked him what he thinks about that move but he wouldn't really give much of an answer. That led to Howard reading an article about Katie and how she might be near the breaking point with her job at CBS. She's not doing well in the ratings and might want out.
Ralph called in and said that this bit coming up was going to be the best ever from what he could guess. He said that Big Foot was going to have stuff shoved up his ass and he had just taken a shit. He was laughing just talking about it.
Howard said that he had to apologize to Fergie the singer because he's been telling this story about her that wasn't quite right. He said that he thought he had seen her singing and also saw his friend Esthero sing that night and Esthero blew her away. He said he heard from Esthero and she told him that he was wrong and Fergie wasn't even with the Black Eyed Peas at the time so he had seen someone else. He apologized for getting it wrong.
Howard said that he saw Bill Cosby on the Tonight Show recently and he was so bad and it was like he was keeping the audience hostage with his stand-up act. He did an impression of Cosby doing the act and it was just awful. He said that JD has the audio and they'll get to that after Big Foot and Blue Iris play their game.
Howard asked Big Foot if he would make love to Blue Iris. He said he would so Blue seemed to be okay with that. Blue said that she has some new movies out that are about 3 minutes long each. They're available on her web site. She said that she's not doing porn right now because she's under contract to do them for her partners only.
Big Foot said that he has been making some money by selling pictures of himself standing next to a cardboard stand up of Howard. He said he gets $15 for each picture and people are glad to pay it. Blue said that she sells t-shirts on her web site as well.
Howard read that Big Foot has to take some kind of medication for his anger. Big Foot explained that and how he almost snapped a guy's neck. Howard wondered why anyone would get into his face being as big as he is. Big Foot said that he had to go to a doctor to give him something to keep him calm. He said he's on something but wasn't able to say the name. He said it was ''pam something...'' Robin said it might be Diazapam. Big Foot said that's it, it's kind of like valium. He said that he doesn't get pissed as long as he takes half a pill when he gets excited.
Howard asked Big Foot if he washed his hands after he took a shit. Big Foot said he had and whoever told him he didn't was fibbing. Artie asked Big Foot when he last showered. He took one 2 days ago. Artie said that he hadn't taken a shower and just took a shit... ''Lets play Guess What's In My Ass!''
Big Foot had taken five shit today already so Will pointed that out. Big Foot said that he had some hot chili peppers and coffee and it was like a laxative. He said he only eats one meal a day though. Howard wondered if Blue was sucking on her dentures or something because she was making all kinds of noise. She said that she had some condition that makes her make that noise uncontrollably. Robin heard that and said she had to get out of there, this place is too crazy.
Big Foot had a sore on his face and he thought it was from eating pussy too much. Howard and Artie told him it was herpes but he insisted it was just a cold sore. Artie told him that's what happens when you eat too much bad pussy. Artie also pointed out his shit filled fingernails which Will had pointed out earlier.
Howard read that Blue had gone to a hospital and now she's suing them. She said that she created some kind of group because the hospital had ruined her health or something like that. She then ran down the list of drugs she takes every day and how they've messed her up. Big Foot is also on a bunch of meds, sixteen to be exact. He's got all kinds of problems that he ran down. He mentioned that he has ''salt water disease'' which means he gets hives if he goes in the ocean. He said that's where he comes from so the guys figured he meant he came from the ocean. He said he came from Connecticut. Howard told him that maybe he shouldn't go in the ocean. He said he can't not go in the ocean, there are no rocks in there and no ledges to walk into. Artie was laughing his ass off over that.
Howard heard that Big Foot bought a new car for $190. Big Foot said it was a Geo Metro and it runs just fine. He said there's no air conditioning in there unless he opens his windows. He said he's been driving people to the airport in that car too.
Howard moved on to the game and said that they're going to be putting stuff into their asses and they have to guess what it is. As they were preparing, Isaac from Howard TV accidentally pulled off Blue Iris' wig. Robin said she had to go again because this stuff was just too crazy.
Howard told Big Foot and Blue Iris to take their pants down. Everyone was cringing and yelling out when they saw the stained underwear that Big Foot was wearing. Howard also said he's got a lot of zits on his ass. Will said that the stains in Big Foot's underpants were either blood or skid marks. Big Foot said that he's told them that he bleeds out of his ass. Howard told him he might want to get that checked out.
Blue was up first in the game. The guys put something in her ass crack and she had to try and guess what it was. She guessed it was a pen. That was wrong so they put the same item in Big Foot's ass. He didn't get it, he thought it was a microphone. It was actually a toothbrush.
Howard had the guys put the second item in Big Foot's ass. He guessed that it was a rubber ball. Howard said that was close but wanted it more specific. Big Foot was trying to come up with something else but seemed to be drawing a blank. Blue guessed a rubber ball as well but it turned out to be a Ping Pong Ball.
Howard had the guys put the third object in Blue's ass. She had no idea what it was. Big Foot had the same item and tried to come up with the answer. He said it was a toy doll but it turned out to be a bar of soap. Howard had the guys move on to the next item which Big Foot didn't get. Neither did Blue Iris. IT turned out to be corn on the cob. Howard said neither of them had won but they were going to split up the $500 prize between the two of them. Artie told Big Foot that's the equivalent of winning a new car.
Howard said the money for the contest was from the guys at Clips4Sale.com. He went to break right after that.
After the break we heard another prank call to the Telepsychic show. Fred also played a song parody about Sal and Richard and their gay antics on the show. He also played David Bowie's ''Rebel Rebel'' to fill some time before Howard came back. Howard said that he's been watching this new show ''Age of Love'' lately. He said they took this good looking tennis player dude and have a bunch of chicks who are in their 40s who really want him. It seems like the guy doesn't know what's going on, because they kept him in the dark about how the show was going to work. They get the old broads excited about the guy they're going to date but then they bring in some 20 year olds for him. He said he almost didn't watch the show but now he's glad he did. He said he'll probably stick with it too.
Howard said that the segment that just aired is going to air tomorrow night. Irish John called in and said that he just threw up and may have to go home sick after hearing about Big Foot's skid marks. He said that going from Pam Anderson and Fran Drescher to this is quite a change. He said he can't wait to ruin his dinner tomorrow night when he watches it on Howard TV. Howard said his lunch came in just as they were pulling down their pants too.
Steve said that Hinkley said that since Howard and Robin are no longer on terrestrial radio, that's why they weren't the longest running show on radio. Howard wondered if Hinkley is going to put that in his column. Steve wasn't sure about that. He said that Hinkley wasn't really honoring them in his article but Howard thought he kind of was. Howard wasn't sure why he was even thinking about this stuff because he's successful without getting good press from guys like that.
Steve said that High Pitch Eric is still trying to avoid eviction from his apartment so they'll have some news on that. Howard said his family is probably just fed up with him at this point and won't help him out in this situation.
Jon Hein gave his Wrap Up Show preview next. He said they'll talk about Big Foot and Blue Iris playing ''Guess What's In My Ass.'' They'll also talk about Mary O the Psychic trying to figure out Artie's secret password. He said they'll also talk about Jeff Nichols' call to the show and try to figure out what he was trying to say.
Howard let Jon go and read through some e-mail before having Robin start her news. He said they got a lot of comments about Eric the Midget's calls to the show. Someone said they have to turn off the radio when he comes on. One person said they have to shut him up, he's just pompous, annoying and an asshole. Another guy said they should ban him from the show and boycott him so they can see him blow up. Howard said someone else said they should have Debbie Schlussel back on the show.
Some people wondered why they had Pam Anderson on the show. He said that they felt she wasn't a good guest, she never says anything good. Howard said he's not going to stop having her on the show. Another caller said that Pam didn't look that good when she was on and she may finally be hitting the wall. Howard said he had more mail to go through but he wanted to let Robin start her news.
Howard took a call from a guy, Anthony, who asked when Robin was going to get to a story about a murdered child today during her news. Howard asked Fred when it was going to come up. Fred said he doesn't think there will be one today because she hit them with one yesterday. He said that she'll probably hit them with a couple more this week though. Artie said that he will set the under/over at 2 because he does notice that. He thinks that there will be two stories and they will probably be later on in the news. Howard told the caller to stay on the line and he'd hear it as it happened. Robin read through a few more stories with everyone waiting for her to read a story about a dead child. Every story started off with the guys wondering if she was going to bring up an injured or murdered child.
Howard made sure that he still had this guy Anthony on the phone during the news because he didn't see him highlighted on his screen. Howard eventually figured it out and locked him in to make sure he didn't lose him. He had to take a break in the middle of the news so he put Anthony on hold. After the break Howard played a clip of Sal making a prank call using some Crazy Alice audio clips. He was doing his black guy impression in that clip so Howard played another clip where Sal called a guy trying to rent out an apartment and did that impression again making it sound like he had some legal problems. He eventually has the cops break in and take him down. The guy hangs up on him after telling him to fuck off.
Howard got a tape of Big Foot Mark doing a Darth Nihilus impression. Big Foot says ''Dark'' instead of Darth though. He had some fun with that and then had Robin get back to her news. She still hadn't done any stories about dead kids yet though. She ran through a bunch of stories and eventually got to one about a child who was found dead after the mother found him dead with a pacifier taped in his mouth. That was the story that the caller was looking for. Robin went right into another story about a 14 year old kid who was involved in the burning death of a couple of dogs but that wasn't the kind of story they were looking for.
Robin got back to her news and finished up without getting to another dead child story. She claimed she didn't change her story list or anything like that. Gary came in a short time later and said that they had some money to give away so they gave him a $500 prize courtesy of the Man Groomer. Howard said he'll give away some more money tomorrow if he's got that much to give away. He's got a bunch of games to play.
Artie got in his plugs and Robin got in a plug for the diet she's on and their web site. MVDietDetox.com. She said that she's going away with Dr. Roni this weekend to her retreat. Howard wondered why she hadn't left yet, she was only supposed to be there for two weeks. Robin said that she's enjoying having her there and getting a lot out of it. Dr. Roni was nowhere to be found so Howard just ended the show around 10:40am.
Howard started off the show talking about how John Bon Jovi was going to be coming in later this morning. Robin wondered if he had done that WPLJ celebration that they were talking about and if they could ask him about it when he came in. Howard said John might thing that they're mad at him over that kind of thing but that's not the case, they're just curious.
Howard said he was talking to Artie about The Beatles before the show. Artie said it wasn't him, it must have been Fred. Howard said he was just saying that to make it sound like he actually has conversations with people off the air. Howard was going to drop it after that but then asked Gary to bring in some interns to find out if they know their songs. One of the female interns came in and said she really doesn't know their music very well. She said she has some friends who are fans but not her. Howard said he was going to sing some of their songs for her to guess. He sang three songs and asked her to tell him which of the three was a Beatles song.
Howard sang the first song and no one knew what that one was. He sang ''Hang on Sloopy'' for the second song and then sang another. She went with song number 1 and she was right. The third song was also a Beatles song and Robin said she didn't even know which song the first and third were. Fred said that those songs were hardly Beatles songs, they were the shittiest that he could have picked. Howard said it was a contest so it wasn't supposed to be something that everyone knows.
Fred told Howard that if he's not going to do it right, then he shouldn't do it at all. Fred went off on him for a couple of minutes yelling at him about his song picks. Robin said there are people Howard's age who wouldn't have known they were Beatles songs. Howard told Fred that he was just trying to find out if this girl knew the songs. Nothing is on the line there. He told Fred that his reaction is bizarre. Fred was still going off on him sounding as if he were really angry. Howard said that he told Gary earlier that he had actually bet Gary that he could get Fred to explode by playing this game. He said he had just won $100. He was kidding about that. Fred said he could see that Gary wasn't telling the truth when he agreed with him about that.
Howard said that Jack and Rod tried a similar thing where they called a guy and asked him to figure out the song. He played the call where Sal and Richard, as Jack and Rod, called this guy and played some very well known Beatles songs for him. The guy had no idea what he was hearing even though they were playing the lyrics that were the name of the song. The guy wasn't able to get it so Richard and Sal pretend they're off the air and say the name of the song as being an Elvis song called ''Purple Haze.'' The guy pretends that he couldn't hear them and took his guess getting it wrong of course. He hangs up on them after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Fred that the whole idea of that game was to sing an obscure Beatles song. Howard took another call from a guy who asked Fred what happened to that ''I am torry'' clip from Crackhead Bob. Howard said it might be time to play the Fred theme song and ask him about that .They played that song and then asked Fred what the caller had just asked. Fred was upset with Howard about playing the song so loudly and asked him to stop talking over him so he could talk to this guy.
Howard asked Fred if he had a problem with his wife last night or something. Fred said he's fine and asked Howard if Beth is in town. Howard said she is so Fred said that means everyone is safe then. They went back and forth for a few seconds and eventually Fred played that clip that the caller asked to hear. Howard played him out with his ''Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred'' theme song.
Howard played the clip where Tracey yelled at Grillo on the Intern Show and then played Grillo's taped message about that situation. Grillo said he wasn't able to get a word in during that call so he taped this message for them to defend himself. Howard played more of that argument from last week's Intern Show and said it was pretty interesting to hear. Artie seemed to be enjoying it as well. He said there's no winning in an argument with that chick. She was pretty brutal with Grillo.
Howard had Mike the intern on the phone and he was saying that he could back up Tracey's side of the story. Howard said that they have to listen to Steve's side of the story though so he played the audio clip a short time later. Grillo said that his microphone was turned down in that Intern Show call and now it sounds like that ''fuckin bitch'' got one over on him. Grillo goes on and on talking about how he brought people to the restaurant and rambled on and on about how they were taking advantage of his kindness. He said that they were ordering top shelf liquor and they can't comp that stuff. As Grillo was going on and on Howard and Artie were laughing at him.
Howard said it sounds like Grillo was saying that he had offered them free drinks but when they started ordering the good stuff, they decided not to comp them. So he was basically backing up Tracey's story. That led to Fred doing his impression of Grillo and making fun of his comments. Howard got back to the clip and Grillo just goes on and on calling Tracey a bitch over and over and saying that she was out of line.
Grillo said that Tracey abuses Howard Stern's name and she used it there at the bar. He also said that she's just an intern wrangler. Howard said he'd like to see Tracey and Steve in the Bubba-gon. He said that might be some good cross promotion for the show.
Howard said that Grillo's wife also had some comments about Tracey. She was saying that it was wrong of her to do that to her husband and she also said that alcohol has calories so she should watch it. Howard and the guys pointed out some of the comments that Grillo had made and goofed on him about those.
Howard replayed the audio of Steve going off on Tracey from the start and had everyone laughing at him again. He says that he's dumbfounded at one point in the clip so the guys goofed on that. Howard said they have to take that tape, cut it up, and make it into a phony phone call. He kept playing the clip and laughing at Steve's comments.
Gary said that Steve the Intern was saying that he doesn't get that top shelf liquor thing because most of the guys were drinking Bud that night. He heard that one guy ordered some Petrone. Steve came into the studio and told Howard that there were 8 people there and only one of them was drinking the good stuff. The rest of them were drinking Bud Light. He said that nothing was comped at all so he's not sure what Grillo was talking about.
Ralph called in and said that he's been talking to Grillo lately and he's just crazy because he doesn't know what he did. He said that he just admitted that he did wrong when he brought up that top shelf thing. Howard said he thinks Grillo does his best when he's angry. Fred did more of his impression of Grillo and got Howard in on it as well.
Howard said they have to have Grillo back in there. He played more of him going off on Tracey where he was talking about how much of a bitch Tracey is and how the interns all hate her. Gary said that the visual in this clip is great because Grillo is going off on Tracey while his wife is sitting there nodding her head. It's all on camera and it'll be on Howard TV eventually.
Howard said that they get a lot of mail telling him to keep Eric off the show completely. The guys goofed on Eric about his fucking of his mattress. Eric said that he's sick of that shit too and people are using it to make fun of him through his Myspace account. Ralph told him that maybe he should stay off of Myspace if that's the case.
Artie asked Eric why he would announce something like that on The Howard Stern Show if he was afraid that it was going to cause problems. Eric said he was trying to offer up some truthful stuff and that's why it came out. Howard asked him if he's banned from mattress stores now. Artie asked him if he has Dial-a-Mattress on speed dial.
Eric apologized to Will after Will asked him to. Howard asked the fans not to make fun of him about his humping the bed. Ralph asked him more about that mattress fucking and asked if he uses a pillow or the mattress. Eric wasn't saying much, he wasn't sure if he should talk more about it. Ralph asked him if he's flat on the mattress or like an inchworm. Eric said ''flat'' and didn't elaborate much. He was giving one word answers.
Artie asked Eric if the bed has ever gotten jealous and asked him if he's fucking the couch. Eric didn't answer. Howard asked Eric some questions about if he uses his hand when he's humping the bed. Eric said that he does use his hand. Ralph asked him where he finishes. Eric said he uses Kleenex. He said that he makes sure he has tissue around to clean up the mess. Howard said he thought he just finished into the sheets.
Howard told Eric he has nothing to be ashamed of, everyone jerks off. He said that he knows another guy who jerks off in a similar way to Eric. He asked Eric if he had anything else to say because he had to get going. Eric asked Fred to stop playing the song parodies about him because they're over a year old now. Fred said he didn't think Eric would be up that early. Eric said he goes to sleep after the show.
Ralph told Howard to do a reality show about Eric instead of Miss Howard Stern. Eric said he's not really willing to let the cameras cover him like that so that probably won't be happening. Howard let Eric go a short time later and Fred played one of the song parodies that Eric asked them to stop playing. It was ''I'm a Midget In The Sky'' song to the tune of Sugar Ray's ''Fly.'' He played a couple of other quick ones before Howard put a stop to them.
Artie said that he's in a big feud with Bob Levy now and Levy is actually cancelling gigs with him now. He said that he's cancelling some really big gigs with him. Howard said that he gets Bob's point because he really takes joy in ripping on Bob. Artie said that this issue has been going on forever and he doesn't think that he has a good point with this Dave Chappelle ripping him off thing.
Artie said that he doesn't think that Bob's joke about ''I'm going to go home and beat my dick like it owes me money...'' isn't really his. He doesn't think that Chappelle ripped it off. He said that it sounds like one of those really old jokes that he just kind of adopted. He said Bob was very defensive about the joke. He said that the joke was said on Chappelle's show as if it was supposed to be from a bad stand-up comic, it wasn't even Chappelle using it in his act.
Artie said that he begged Bob not to go into that on the air but he did it anyway when Chappelle was on the show. That led to Chappelle calling him a hack on the show and Bob kind of came off looking bad that day. They stopped talking about that until they started doing the roasts. Artie started goofing on Bob about that rip off thing and Bob got upset with him. He said that he thinks Bob is an amazing comedian and he does better than him at comedy shows.
Howard said that Bob is probably thinking about why Artie always brings that up when he's talking about him. Artie said that he brought it up yesterday on the Wrap Up Show and that pissed Bob off so much that he started cancelling gigs. Howard said that he seems to like torturing Bob a lot. Artie said that Bob works really hard going from gig to gig to make ends meet. He said that he loves working with the guy at those shows they do. He said he does kind of enjoy busting his balls though.
Artie said that he had to call Bob and console him the day of his roast because Bob was upset with him about it. Howard had asked Gary to get Bob on the phone but he may not have been awake. They were just getting his voice mail.
Artie said that his assistant called him yesterday and said that Levy was calling all pissed off about the stuff he was saying. He said that Bob was going to keep the Pittsburgh gig this coming week but he's cancelling Atlantic City and some other gigs. Artie said that he'd hate to have Bob cancel out of these gigs because it's good money.
Sal came in and said that Bob called him and he was really pissed yesterday. He said that he agrees with Bob about the way Artie throws in all of these digs at him. Sal said that Bob told him that he's not going to be doing the Borgata gig with Artie if he's not doing it. Sal said that he's not taking sides there. He said that he was never on the Borgata gig but Bob asked him to do another gig that same night. Artie threw in a dig at Bob again when he said that Bob has a lot of Fire Houses to play in Jersey. He knew that Bob would get pissed about that as well.
Sal said that Bob is funnier than a lot of these comedians that are out there and Artie doesn't give him the respect that he should. Artie said he doesn't think that Bob is as good as Fitzsimmons or Nick DiPaolo but he is good. There's another joke that Artie said Bob uses that he thinks people have ripped off from him. He claimed that Belzer had ripped off this joke that Artie thinks is one of those old jokes that comedians have been telling forever. He's tried to tell Bob not to make a big deal about that stuff though. Howard had to take a break so he wrapped up the discussion.
Howard asked Dean what he's going to do if he has to pee or shit. He said he's got a bathroom set up to use if he has to go. Howard said that this is a sickness and he can't imagine doing something like this. He figured he was running away from his kids or something. Dean said that his kids are there with him so he's not doing that at all.
Howard asked Dean about what he's eating and stuff like that. Dean said that he has to eat while he's running and he has to eat about 600 calories per hour. He once ran for 81 hours straight so this shouldn't be all that hard for him. He wasn't running at this speed though. He's trying to break a record by doing this. Howard said he must be miserable and he doesn't understand why he'd do this to himself. Dean said that he's doing this as a benefit for a prostate cancer charity. He thinks that they'll raise more than $100,000.
Howard said it was funny because Artie was drinking a Mocha Frappachio as Dean was jogging. Howard wished Dean luck up there. Dean told him he could go up and join him because he's got a second treadmill there. Artie said that he should go over there himself and see how long he can run. Howard told him he should. Howard said he's not sure how Artie eats as much as he does. Howard said he had an extra bowl of soup the other night and he's up by two pounds.
Howard asked if they could send Sal and Richard over to jog in their thongs. Dean said he didn't want to see that at all. Howard said that if you're in the New York area you can go see him jogging up on this billboard. Artie said he doesn't think he could do a mile these days. He said it would be funny to see him next to the guy jogging though. Howard let him go and spent a couple of minutes talking to Artie about how fast he used to be able to run. Artie said he used to be able to do 5 miles in 48 minutes. Howard said he once did a mile in under 7 minutes but he hates running too much to do that often. He said he did a 12 mile run one time and never got that runner's high that some people claim to get. Fred said he's gotten that high and gets it when he works out as well.
Artie said that he never weighs himself at home and he really doesn't want to know what he weighs now. Howard said that Artie threw out all of his healthy lunch yesterday. Artie said that was because of Big Foot's ass. He said he didn't eat yesterday and went home at 2:30, went to bed and woke up at 5:30 this morning.
Howard said that the Howard TV guys are going to be shooting Miss Howard Stern this weekend down in Miami. They're also going to go with Robin to shoot her final weekend of her diet. They're also going to have the ''What's In My Ass'' game on Howard TV after midnight tonight. He went through a bunch of other shows that they have up on Howard TV now as well.
Lisa G got back to her news report and said that there's a fan trying to get an unofficial magazine about the show up and running. The magazine is called ''Booey'' and he's trying to get someone from the show to respond to him but he's not having any luck. Artie wondered what would be in the magazine but no one was sure. Howard had to go to break but first quickly mentioned that Blue Iris forgot to plug her web site yesterday so he'd do that today for her. You can find her products at BlueIrisProducts.com.
Howard said that they got a total of 4 entries and narrowed it down to three and only two of them showed up this morning. He said that one of them tells people that she used to be a man and that she's married now. The other one doesn't tell anyone that she was formerly a man and she gets modeling work.
The first transsexual got her work done in 2006 and it cost just $8,500 in Thailand. Gary said that they learned a lot about this whole thing during the process. One person had just had his testicles removed but not his penis.
Howard had the first tranny come in. Her name was Susan and she thinks that she looks like an 8.5 on a scale of 10. She's the one who does tell people that she used to be a man. She sounded like a woman when she spoke. She said that she just got married earlier this month too. She said that her husband wouldn't do much with her when she still had a penis. She was living as a woman at the time but she still had a penis. Her husband claims to be heterosexual but was living with her when she still had a penis. She said that she's known this guy for 12 years and he didn't get interested in her until she started living as a woman.
Howard asked Susan if she's ever had sex with a woman. She said she didn't start dating until she started living as a woman. She said that she did penetrate a woman one time but she didn't like it at all. She was doing that as if she were a lesbian though so it was all very confusing.
Susan said that she has had orgasms after this sex change. She said that only one a week is about how many she can take. She said that the surgeries have gotten much better over the years. She said that it's incredibly painful though. She said that the worst part of the operation was the breast implants. She showed the guys the implants and Howard said they looked good. Gary said Artie looked like he was going to vomit. Artie said they did kind of look like boobs.
Susan also showed off her fake vagina and the guys said there was something odd about it. Fred said it looked like she got ''punched in'' down there. Gary said he read that she used to like rubbing against the mattress, kind of like Eric the Midget, when she masturbated when she still had a penis. Howard asked her about adopting kids and she said she'd love to do that some day but not right now. Artie said he had no idea what was going on right now after Robin asked him what was wrong.
Gary asked Susan what she and her husband did for sex when she still had a penis. She said that she would usually blow her husband. She said she'd keep her skirt on and stuff like that. She said that she never had anal with him. She didn't think that stuff was gay but Artie sure did. Howard asked her if she ever has an orgasm when she's got her husband banging her. She said that she has had orgasms, but only about 3. She said that she can get off better if she has him eat her out.
Artie asked her what kind of drug would be strong enough to make her husband eat her out. Everyone got a laugh out of that. Gary said that her husband was there so Howard said he had to talk to that guy. Gary went out to get him and brought him back a short time later. Howard asked him questions about the fake pussy and found out the guy thinks that it feels even better than a real one. He said that her pussy smells and tastes like a real pussy as well.
Susan said that she only likes to have sex once in a while and not multiple times a day like some people do. Howard asked the husband if he wants more. He said that he's happy with the way things are now. He also said that they have an open relationship so they can have sex with anyone they want. Susan said that she's bi-sexual and she really loves women. Artie asked her why she had to do the sex change thing if she was into chicks. He said that he didn't like having a penis and wasn't comfortable with her body. Susan said that she's been with other transsexuals as well. She said she hasn't had genital sex with them but she has done stuff with them. Howard found out the husband has been with other transsexuals as well. Howard let him go and said that Susan was sitting there naked for them.
Howard had the second transsexual come in. Her name was Jacklyn Foxx. Artie stood up to check her out when she came in. She was in a bikini according to Howard. He said that Jacklyn doesn't tell anyone that she used to be a man. She had a full head of hair so Howard asked her if it was all hers. She said that it was all hers and she's lucky that she has so much. She said that baldness doesn't run in her family. Howard said she claims that she looks like Cindy Crawford and considers herself a 10 on a scale of 10. She said that she gets hit on all the time when she's walking down the street. She said that a lot of men sleep with her and have no idea that she used to be a man. Howard said he'd have a hard time telling that she used to be a man.
Fred said that she has kind of a guy gut but it's not fat. He said that from the head down to the breast level it's fine but when you go below there, you can kind of tell that they're dudes. Howard asked Jacklyn if she ever told any guys that she was a man. She said that she's done that before and never had any problem with it. Howard asked Jacklyn if she can still orgasm. She said that she has multiple orgasms a day and doesn't have the problem that the other woman does. She said that she's also a squirter. Howard wondered if her doctors were better than the doctors in Thailand. She said hers was done in England so maybe they are better there.
Howard said he really would have a problem telling this person used to be a man. He had her dance a little bit for them and he said she does look like a woman. The guys asked Jacklyn if she'd sleep with Artie and she said that she'd have to have a couple of drinks first. Artie said that they've come full circle now, not even a dude with sleep with him.
Howard said that they were going to vote on the two girls now. He said that being crowned Miss Tranny is a big deal and asked the two girls if they were confident they were going to win. Susan said she thought it was a toss up but Jacklyn was confident she was going to win. Howard asked Robin what she thinks about the two women. Robin asked Jacklyn how long she's been post-op. She said it's been since 1997 but she's been living like a woman for most of her life. She said that she always felt like a girl even back when she was in high school.
Robin gave her vote and gave it to Jacklyn because she felt that they'd be best represented by her. Gary said that he loves Susan's spirit but gave his vote to Jacklyn. Fred said that Will was actually the most feminine of the three standing in there. He gave his vote to Jacklyn. Howard asked the girls to do their man voices but Susan wasn't able to do it very well. Jacklyn still had that man voice that she did for the guys. Artie said that Susan's husband actually looked more like a chick than these girls did. He said that if he had to fuck either of the girls he'd have to go with Jacklyn. Howard went with her as well.
Howard said that Jacklyn was getting $5,000 but gave Susan $500 courtesy of the Man Groomer. James Seibert from HotMovies.com came in to give Jacklyn her check. He said that they're up to 75,000 movies now so they've been growing quite a bit lately. He said that they even have some transsexual pornography on the site.
Howard thanked the trannys for coming in and then Artie asked Jacklyn to say ''wanna see my tits big boy'' in her man voice. She did that and got Artie laughing. Isaac from Howard TV asked if they wanted to get Jacklyn to ride the Sybian. Howard asked her if she wanted to do that. She said she'd do it and hopped right on.
Ralph said that one of the guys should be Miss Howard TV just to see how long they spend on the shoot. Howard got back to the Sybian ride and had Gary start that up. Jacklyn seemed a little shocked by the power of the machine. She started moaning and asking Gary to turn it down a little bit. Howard figured her man voice was going to come out any minute but she stayed in that female-like voice of hers. She eventually finished and asked Gary to turn it down. Artie said it sounded like she had just had her dick vibrated.
Jacklyn was still orgasming even after the machine was off. Artie asked a legal question and wondered if they have to wait to have sex with her until her vagina is 18. Howard said that was a pretty wild ride for her. He asked Susan what she thought about that. She said it was wild but she was more jealous of the $5,000 check she got. Gary said they really are on satellite radio because they couldn't do that on regular radio. Howard wrapped up with the trannys and went to break a short time later.
Artie said that he did something bad to Lisa G out in the hall. He said she came running up to him and asked him what he thought about that segment. He said to her ''Oh look, the third one showed up...'' and she wasn't laughing. He said he was just kidding though.
Howard said that Greg Fitzsimmons was going to coming in. He's got his own radio show there Monday nights on Howard 101. Greg said that he's finally starting to figure things out but it's tough. He said that he's got a sidekick but it's still a tough thing not to have people there to talk to. Howard said that he's heard he's doing a great job with the show though. Greg said he's touched that they gave him the chance to do the show.
Howard brought up Greg's father who was a famous broadcaster. Greg said he hopes that they don't have satellite radio ''on the other side'' where his father could hear it. Robin asked him if he goes and talks to his dad at the cemetery and stuff. Greg said he doesn't talk to him but he thinks that he keeps his memory alive by living his life the way he does. That led to the guys talking to Artie about visiting his father's grave. Artie said that he goes and visits once a year. He said that he does talk to his dad when he's there at his grave so the guys kind of goofed on him about that.
Howard said that Robin thinks that it's goofy for him to go talk to someone in the grave but he disagrees with her on that. Howard said that Robin keeps remains of her pets in her house so she's just as goofy doing that. Howard said that going to the grave of a loved one isn't all that strange. you don't really need to go to church to pray to god but people go because they feel it's a place of God so they feel like it's the right place to be.
Greg asked if anyone threw themselves on the coffin at the funeral when Artie's father died. Artie said he did and when he did, it broke the coffin. Howard said that he never went to his grandfather's funeral and he's never been to his grave but he'd like to, if he knew where it was. He wasn't sure if he would go to visit his father's grave. He said it might be easier not to go through that kind of thing. Howard figure that Robin wouldn't go to visit her father because he abused her as a child. Robin said that's just part of it, she has other relatives who have passed away but she doesn't go to visit them either.
Howard said that he heard that Robin has been seeing Mr. X every day. She said that's not true, she does talk to him occasionally but she hasn't seen him in over a month. She said she's busy with her detox diet right now and when she's done with that, she will be available to start dating. She hasn't had any intimacy with any other men since she stopped seeing Mr. X.
Howard gave Greg a couple of plugs. He's appearing out at the Improv in Tempe, Arizona this weekend. You can also check him out at Myspace.com/FitzDog. Right after he did that he threw in a new song parody about ''Robin's big black cunt.'' Howard said that was from a guy who was pissed that she had bad mouthed another song he sent in the other day.
Howard also had tape of Bill Cosby on The Tonight Show from the other night. He said that he doesn't know what the audience is laughing at because the guy wasn't funny. Artie said he wants to hear it because he likes Cosby's stuff. Howard set it up and told everyone that he came out holding a picture and a shirt when he walks on stage. He sits on a chair on stage and drones on and on. He said he lasted 2 minutes before he had to turn the tape off. Robin said that Bill Cosby was funny early on. Howard said he's never gotten his stuff.
Howard played the tape and you hear the band making a weird noise. They do it every time Cosby mentions ''The Blue Angels'' and the audience laughs at it all. Cosby is showing this picture of his and the outfit he claims to have worn while flying with the Blue Angels. Then Cosby continues on and mentions the Blue Angels again which gets the band making this lame noise that they were making every time. Cosby then goes on to explain what his flight was like. It goes on and on and there are no jokes there.
Howard asked Greg what's going on there. Greg said that Howard hates comedians who don't just say their jokes. He said that he doesn't get this and he doesn't get Ellen Degeneres. Artie said that he's getting impatient with this act and he usually gives a guy a chance to do something innovative. He said that he's going to see what the payoff is. Howard said that he had to turn it off around this point because it was so bad.
He played more of it for the guys and he wasn't sure why the audience was cracking up. Robin said that it may have been visual. Cosby goes on to talk about this ''pitch'' that they do when they fly people with the Blue Angels. The audience was laughing at every line he was saying but they weren't funny lines, he was just explaining what his flight with the Blue Angels was like. Howard cut it off again and said that he couldn't take it.
Howard said he feels like Cosby didn't put any thought into this particular act and he's just wingin' it on stage. Howard said that Leno once attacked him for taking over the show with his lesbian guests but he's sure that he didn't do that with Leno hijacking his show with this awful act of his. Howard said that Bill Cosby and Robin Williams are very overrated. He said that someone who is highly underrated is Billy Crystal. He said that he saw him one time and the guy was hysterical.
Howard asked Greg what he thinks of Billy. Greg said that he's not a big fan of his. He said he's a fan of Steve Martin's but not so much for Billy Crystal. Artie said that he thinks that Billy was funny back in the 80s. Greg thinks that Dave Attell is the best out there right now. He thinks that the best club guy out there is Dave. He said that he thinks that Chris Rock is funny as a theater guy but Dave Attell is the best club guy.
Artie said that he'd love to see Attell at a club that's sold out and just see him do it during a weekday night at one of these clubs where they have guys doing 15 or 20 minutes each. Howard played a little more of the Cosby tape and then threw in some classic Eddie Murphy stuff where he talks about Cosby calling him to talk about what he found wrong with his act. Howard said that Eddie had it right there because he was talking about how Cosby just goes on and on.
The guys spent some time talking about other comedians who are great like George Carlin. Artie also brought up the Bob Levy argument he's been having but Howard cut him off saying that he had to go to break.
Howard thought he heard noise coming from someone's headphones. It turned out to be Artie's iPod. Howard brought up Perry Farrell and his recent visit where he talked about what bullshit American Idol was. He asked John about going on that show and why he did that. John said that he hadn't seen the show until about 2 weeks before he did it. They have a huge audience there and he had to do it because the radio business has become so fragmented. John said that he can't even get his records played on Z-100 these days and that's a local New York station that used to play Bon Jovi's stuff all the time.
John went on to talk about how the record industry is one big void at this point. He said that he loves his iPod but it has created a singles industry and they can't sell a whole album. He said that he'd like to get the B-side songs out there as well. Howard said that the music industry is a wreck right now because of the way music is being sold and shared out there. John said that he remembers the days when he could go to a record store and look at the artwork on the albums and buy one just for that. He said his kids don't want to go to a record store anymore. Artie kept throwing in jokes about ''urban music'' because John had mentioned that earlier. He told John they know what he means when he brings up ''urban.''
John said that he likes making new music and he has to get it out there somehow so that's why he did the American Idol thing. John said that he doesn't want to live on ''Livin on a Prayer'' only. Artie said that these guys have to make new music, otherwise there wouldn't be a time to go to the bathroom during a concert.
Howard said that John once said that Madonna brings her kids out to all of these movie premiers and then complains about the press taking pictures of them. John has kids and he just doesn't bring them out in public. John said that he wasn't really even referencing Madonna in that article, they assumed it was her when he was talking about someone else. He said that there are some celebrities out there who just can't keep their kids hidden when it's actually very easy to do.
Howard read another comment that John had made one time about J-Lo sitting at a piano writing music when she doesn't write her own stuff. John said that there are a lot of made up-type artists out there who have never written a song and he'd like to hand her a guitar and ask her to write him a song. He said that she's a great actress but he doesn't believe it when he sees her in a video pretending to write a song.
John recently said that Paris Hilton's grandfather must be rolling in his grave with everything going on with Paris these days. Howard said that she's in jail and always going around showing her snatch. He said ''snatch'' a couple of times and said he must be the only guy out there still using that word.
Howard said he heard what went on between John and Richie Sambora. He heard that John was doing a concert for VH-1 Unplugged and Richie got so drunk that he had to send him off to rehab. Howard figured that Richie was upset about losing this young chippy Denise Richards.
John said that Richie was drinking to excess but not over Denise. He was having some problems in his life and he really didn't play that bad at the Unplugged thing. He played quite well but the band did talk to Richie and told him to go to rehab. John said that there was nothing dramatic to say to him, they just talked to him and Richie went to detox. He said that they played last night and Richie is back to working and doing just fine.
Howard asked John if he thinks Richie would ever go back to Heather Locklear. John doesn't think he would. Howard asked him if he really disliked Heather. John said he didn't but Howard said he heard things and he really did dislike her. John said that's not true. Howard said that John is always going to side with Richie because he's been friends with him since they were kids.
Howard said that John and the guys have a new album out. John said that he just had Ed Lover put him on the air the other day when he went to see Whoopi Goldberg. He said that was pretty wild. Howard gave him a plug for their new album ''Lost Highway'' and also mentioned that he's going to be doing some shows coming up in October at The Rock in Newark, NJ.
Howard played a Sal the Stockbroker song parody that was to the tune of a Bon Jovi song saying it was one of the new Bon Jovi songs. He also asked John about the show he did for the Scott and Todd show the other day. John said that they've been playing their songs forever so Scott's alright with him.
Greg said that rock stars must not age because he's sitting a foot away from him and doesn't see a wrinkle on his face. John said he hasn't had any work done on his face when the guys asked him about that. Howard said it must be tough for John to see Richie running around banging all of these chicks while he's married. John said that he wouldn't trade his marriage for that in a million years. Howard told him that he must look at Hollywood chicks and think about asking them out. John said that he likes Jennifer Aniston but he was looking through a magazine finding the chicks that were in there. John said that he likes that Demi Moore too. Howard said that's bullshit and he can't be serious. They mentioned names like Keira Knightly and Jessica Alba. John said he's not into the younger chicks, he likes the older women and he'd rather see what Britney Spears' mother looks.
Ralph asked John if he's playing the old hits because he saw him on The Today Show and they only played the new stuff. John said that they do play the hits during their concerts but they were playing the new stuff to promote the album on The Today Show. Another caller asked John about his support of John Kerry in the last election. He asked which cock sucker he was going to support in the next one. John said that he's not supporting anyone at this point. He said that he thought that Al Gore was the right guy for the job and Howard agreed with him on that and said that he thinks that he won the election.
Howard had Bong Hit Eric on the phone. He asked John if he was ever tempted to do Heather Locklear. John said that he would if he could have. He said that he couldn't follow Tommy Lee and then Richie. Howard said that he's heard that Richie has a big penis and John said that its' like a baby's arm with a boxing glove on it. Artie said that he was basically saying that when heather is in town, there are three tunnels in New York.
Gay Ramone called in and said that he'd suck John's cock if he could. Gary came in a minute later and said that John really had to leave. Howard said he was going to play one of their new songs off the new album as he was leaving. John explained what the song ''Lost Highway'' was about but Howard had no idea what he was talking about. He played the song and went to break.
Artie said that he met the guy down in New Orleans one time and it was very weird. He said that he seemed smarter than him but in a weird way. He said it was very strange.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. Steve said that they have a story about a court case up in Massachusetts where a guy got off of possible charges of coming on to a 14 year old after the judge said that the language he had used in his chat room was no worse than what Howard Stern says. Steve said they're also trying to track down the guy who played Darth Nihilus and was interviewed by Gary Garver. That led to Howard playing a bunch of Darth Nihilus song parodies that Dan the Song Parody Man has thrown together lately. He had a bunch of those and also a prank call that Sal made using clips of that guy from the Garver interview.
Howard had Darth Nihilus on the phone but it was actually High Pitch Eric doing a voice. Howard asked him how he got it so low. He sounded semi-normal doing that voice and wouldn't stop doing it, insisting that he was Darth Nihilus.
Howard said that Artie keeps bringing up this sore spot with Bob and he seems to enjoy doing it. Artie said that the bit that Chappelle had done on his show wasn't really him doing the joke, it was another character doing it. Artie asked Greg if he thinks that Bob wrote either one of those jokes. Greg said that he remembers Joe Rogan, back in the early 90s, saying a similar joke about the ''like she owes me money'' thing. Greg said that the jokes are pretty pedestrian ideas and maybe they had similar things going on.
Howard asked Bob if he's really mad at Artie. Bob said that Artie really busts his balls too much and it's bullshit to him. He said that Artie doesn't bad mouth any other comedians, other than him. Bob said that Chappelle's people were in the audience weeks before they used that joke on his show so he knows they stole the joke.
Artie asked Bob why he wasn't canceling the Pittsburgh show this coming week. Bob said if he doesn't want him to do it, he'll cancel it. He said he'll just stay home with his son. Artie apologized to Bob and said that he doesn't want any bad blood there. Howard told Bob that Artie has also said that he could easily be Bob Levy if he wasn't where he was at. Bob said that it's not so bad being him. Artie apologized to him for what he said about him on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He said it's kind of weird that he's so sensitive about this stuff when he's the king of the roasts. Bob said he never tries to throw Artie under the bus like Artie does to him.
Bob said that all he knows is that he does his job, he doesn't care that Artie said that he's not as funny as Nick DiPaolo and Greg Fitzsimmons. Artie said that Bob kills when he does his act and he's so good that it's hard to follow him. Howard asked Artie if he thinks that Chappelle would steal that blue cheese dressing bit from him.
Artie said that he did Bob a favor one time but as he started to tell the story he said that he figures that Bob didn't want him to tell the story. Bob said that Artie makes a big deal about stuff that he doesn't have to bring up. Gary came in and said that it doesn't sound like Artie is being totally honest about the comments he makes about how he could have ended up like Bob. Gary said that he thinks that maybe it's his work ethic. Artie said it's luck but Gary wasn't buying it, and neither was Howard.
Bob said that he can't get back on Artie's shows now because he's already booked other shows for the same night. Artie threw in another dig at Bob when he said that he's seen people laugh so hard that they've hit their heads on the hoses on the fire trucks. He also said that he thinks that Bob is being ridiculous and he should do the Detroit show.
Bob's son was making some noise in the background so Artie asked him why he wasn't in school. Bob said he's done with school but Howard joked that he actually keeps his son from going to school so he doesn't get to be a better speller than him. Howard said that this was all upsetting to him but Bob didn't believe him.
Ralph called in and said he didn't get this and wondered why Bob would get so upset. Bob said it's not like Artie is roasting him, it's like he's constantly calling him a hack. It drives him nuts. Another caller said that there was a lot of anger coming from these guys who are supposed to be funny. Bob said that he would never attack what Artie does.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Artie really doesn't know what a real friend is and what he should do. He said that he does it to everyone in his life and that's just wrong. Howard thanked her for the call and said he really can't solve this problem. Artie asked Bob if he really booked other gigs already. Bob said he did, he booked a gig over the Atlantic City gig and over the Detroit gig.
Howard told Artie that he was a little bit out of line with his comments. Artie interrupted and said that he was just being honest with the guy. Howard said that Bob hasn't been totally honest either. He brought in that chick who was into fat guys for Artie but she ended up getting married after that appearance. Bob said that wasn't supposed to go like that.
Greg said that he thinks that Howard should tell them what to do and they'd have to listen, just like the Godfather would do. Howard told them both to give him $1,000. Howard asked Artie to stop saying this stuff about Dave Chappelle. Artie said he won't do it again. Bob said he just wants him to treat him like a friend. Artie said he really wants Bob to do the Detroit show with him because it's really good money. The two of them were still arguing a little bit but Bob accepted Artie's apology. He said that they'd talk about the Pittsburgh thing. Artie wants him to do the Detroit gig too so he told him to get out of the September 15th gig. Artie told him that gig might not work out, what if there's a fire that night? He had to throw in that dig at him playing fire houses. Bob can take those jokes but the other stuff seems to drive him nuts.
Bob told Howard ''Take care bro...'' and got in a little dig at Artie. Greg said that he's surprised that Bob would be so sensitive about that stuff because he's used to busting balls. Artie said that he is a little sensitive and he doesn't get it. Howard told Artie he was a little bit out of line though.
Greg said that he was walking in this morning right after the Tranny contest and the security chick thought he was the third Tranny. She told him he was late because she thought he had his wig and stuff in his carry on bag that he had rolling behind him.
Howard played a clip from Goodfellas where a guy was insulting Joe Pesci's character, and he was very sensitive to it. They were kind of relating that to Bob's reaction to Artie's joking around with him.
Howard took a call from The Sim who was doing his Gamorrean Guard impression referring to the Gary Garver interview. Sim also said he tried calling in to order Howard TV last night but the number he was calling kept hanging up on him.
Howard did his Gamorrean Guard impression, covering his mouth, and told some of Bob's jokes. That got Greg and Artie in on the goofing. They were goofing on some of the stuff that Bob had said earlier during his call. Howard also played a new bit that Sal created using the Darth Nihilus clips.
Greg interrupted around 10:55am and said that he had to get out of there, he had to fly out to Tempe in about an hour. Howard gave him a couple of plugs and let him get going. He had Robin get back to her news after that. She ran through a few more stories and Artie got in a few plugs for his upcoming gigs and web site, Artie-Lange.com, before they ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard started off the show talking about how Mark Harris and Daveed were going to be in today. He also said that Ozzy Osbourne was going to be in because he was going to be hosting his own show later in the day. He said they have some other guests coming in later this week. They have this champion yodeler woman coming in but they got a call from some her management asking it if it was okay to let her do the Mark and Brian show. He said Gary told him no because they seem to listen to everything they do there and try to steal their guests. He said that her management agreed to keep her on Howard's show only because they were the ones who called first.
Howard said he was listening to a sports guy on some radio station bad mouthing him. He said that he thinks he should retire after his current contract ends to get away from all of that nonsense. He said he might have to sit down with Robin and the guys and talk to them about ending the show. Gary said that there are DJs around the country who steal stuff from the show and also claim that Howard is the one stealing from other guys. He said that Howard is the one who was doing stuff many years ago.
Howard said that there are some guys who do everything he does, including yelling about being ripped off. He said that the industry is very, very bizarre and there are a lot of clones out there. He said one guy was talking about how his father only made $20,000 a year just like he does, and then he goes on to talk about being ripped off. Gary said he likes how there are guys out there stealing his Baba Booey name. Robin said that if Howard leaves in 3 years, they will erase him and forget where the material came from originally.
Howard said that's a weird thing for a guy to get crazy over. He said that Hugh Downs hosted Concentration, a game show, for 5 years. He doesn't get what the big deal is. He said he thinks that he might have ''Hugh Downs Syndrome.''
Howard said he was reading an article about this guy Gary Axlebank who hosts a public access show and he actually knows a guy by that name. He said he worked with him at WRNW and actually hired him back when he was there. He said that all of the guys he hired back then never made it. He said he apparently didn't have an eye for talent. Howard said he remembers the guy's voice as being kind of odd but not much else.
Howard told Robin he doesn't want to look like a douche bag doing that show. He said last week she was on Jay Leno's show telling a story about cutting her finger and being rushed to the hospital and taking a shower before she went so she'd be clean for the doctors. He said it turns out it was all made up and there was no truth to it at all. He said he didn't know that you just make up stories like that when you go on a show like that.
Howard said he was home yesterday when he heard the verdict in this nanny court case. He and Robin talked about the case and what they thought about it. Howard said he was going to give his opinion quickly and not spend too much time on it. He was talking about how the girl and how if he were the parents of the kids, he'd get a gun and shoot that girl. He said that people seem to be identifying with these murderers. AT least the jury found her guilty.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had a name for the Real Doll. He gave some wacky name and an explanation for it but Howard hung up on the guy in the middle of the call. Howard said he likes the name they have for her already, Celine Cohen.
Another caller said that he ran into Billy Corgan from the Smashing Pumpkins and asked him why he doesn't do the Stern Show. The guy said he gave Billy a hard time about not doing it so Howard and Robin said that must be awful for Billy to be just trying to hang out and he gets crap from guys like that.
Ian the Drunk called in and started rambling as he does every time he calls in. He was talking about Howard's shark tank and tried giving him some advice. Howard said that the problem with his tank was that the water was toxic and it was killing off his fish. He told Ian he had to take a break and hung up on him.
Howard said that he went out on the street and had Dean the Intern ask black people if they hate Jews and Jews if they hate black people. He played some of the tape of Dean doing those interviews and a Jamaican guy was saying that black people are lazy in general.
After playing some of that stuff Howard played a Crackhead Bob History moment where he's a bus driver and an air traffic controller. Robin and Jackie were laughing through that bit. Howard was also listening to a Fugees song that he really liked. He wondered what happened to the band and spent a short time talking about them. Howard said he thinks about a certain woman when he hears this one song but he didn't want to say who that woman is. He said he gets all teary eyed when he hears the song.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that it seems like he's already done everything he can do in radio so maybe he should do something else. Howard said he feels that way every morning that he gets up at 4 o'clock morning. He said he asks himself why he doesn't do something else when he gets up. He ended up hanging up on the caller because he was a little bit annoying.
Howard went on to talk about how he is doing other things in his career. He's got his TV show, he's done a movie, he recorded Wipe Out with Jenny Jones, he'll be banging the Real Doll. Howard said he should have saved himself last night from beating off. He said he's going to be screwing that doll so he shouldn't have pleasured himself last night.
Howard talked about how to get out of speeding tickets by using a PBA card. He said that he got out of a ticket one time using one but you have to do it the right way. He said you have to tell the cop that your brother is ''on the job.'' Gary came in and said he got away with that twice in the past 3 years but his father got his PBA card taken away from him. He said his father got a hard ass cop and the guy called the precinct that he said the guy was working at and there was no one there by that name.
Howard said he got pulled over one time for doing 50 in a 30 zone. He said he wasn't the only one doing it though. He said he thought about the PBA card but wasn't sure if he should show it to him or not. He waited too long and the cop had already written up the ticket. Jackie said he doesn't have the nerve to pull out a PBA card so he just takes the ticket.
Gary said that he's used it and the cops change their attitude when you pull out that card. He said it changes everything when it comes out. Howard said Ronnie has all kinds of cards and shields that he uses to get out of tickets. Robin asked Gary why he's always speeding because he seems to get pulled over a lot. He said he doesn't speed all the time.
Howard had a guy on the phone claiming that he used to beat him up. He said that his cousin used to throw him down the stairwell. Howard said he had never heard of this guy when he gave his name. The guy claimed he didn't beat him up, he just harassed him. Howard told him he was a douche bag and never beat him up or harassed him. He hung up on him and moved on to the next bit.
Howard said that it's not all John's fault, the equipment they have there just sucks. He said that John is dumber than the sidewalk though. Gary got in touch with Doug Goodstein who told John what to say at one point but there seemed to be mass confusion down there eon the street. Howard told Gary to send someone down there and tell john what to say.
Howard eventually got John on a walkie talkie and tried to talk to him that way. He told John to tell the people that they could win a trip to San Francisco. John then started yelling out that he had a trip to give away. Howard told him to just find some people and bring him up there but he was smelling a disaster.
John found a guy to play so Howard had him ask the guy if he knew some songs like Madonna's ''Material Girl'' or Alanis Morissette's ''Ironic.'' The guy didn't know those but he did know ''Heard it Through The Grape Vine'' so Howard told him to just get that guy up there. He went to break after that.
Howard said he has three listeners there and they're going to listen to songs through headphones and sing along to them on the air. He spoke to the first guy who was going to be singing ''Like a Virgin'' by Madonna.
Howard had Gary setting this guy up to do his thing but they ended up arguing about the whole thing. The first guy eventually started to sing but Howard said it was the worst bit he had ever come up with.
Howard had the second guy trying to sing ''With Or Without You'' by U2. That guy didn't know the lyrics so he was having a problem getting the lines out. It was making Howard laugh though. He let the guy go through most of the song. He said they may have just found a lead singer for their band (The Losers). Howard eventually cut the guy off and said he thought that he was retarded or something during that song.
Howard had the third guy, Tommy, sing ''Heard it Through The Grape Vine.'' The guy went through it and had Robin and Howard laughing. Howard cut him off and said that he knew who he was voting for. He was going for the second guy and his ''With or Without You'' cover. The vote was unanimous so he was the winner. He had won tickets to San Francisco. Gary said he had tickets to Green Day if the guys wanted them. Howard talked to the guys for a short time and let them go.
Howard said he had Tim Sabean on the phone. He picked up the phone and Tim let out a ''Whooo Hooo'' and said that they had won. Howard said that Tim is like 50 years old and doing that stuff. He asked Tim how old he really is. Tim said that he's 42 now.
Tim said that he wanted to come up to pick up Howard to bring him down to this Metallica concert that they had won. Tim said that they're going to have a lot of fun down there but asked that people don't show up until 1 o'clock. He said Tim is a pisser and he really wants to get out of the business. Tim asked Robin and Howard if they wanted to come to the concert. Howard said he couldn't go. Tim told them they're the greatest and Howard let him go after that.
The caller said that his wife and the nanny sat on the couch and they went on to have sex for about 20 minutes. They eventually go into the bedroom and do their thing. The nanny has sex toys and brings them into the bedroom as well. Howard asked if he could see the tape. The caller said he could and Howard sounded thrilled about that.
The guy said that his kids were in school at the time. He said he got rid of the nanny but stayed with his wife. Howard figured that his wife is still with other chicks. The guy said they've decided to open up and share more and he's waiting to see what happens. Howard thanked the guy for the call after that. He was going to let him go but the guy brought up this movie that Alyssa Milano was in where she's topless. Howard said he had seen that but only the sex scene, not the rest of the movie. He went to break after that.
Howard said that he had some interviews that Gary Garver did for them from some event called the Love Ride. He said that the first one was with Jay Leno. Garver asked him some goofy questions like ''would you share a bottle of water with an AIDS patient?'' and things like that. Jay asked who he was with and Garver asked him what he thought of Howard. Jay said something nice about him and vanished. Bruce Jenner was up next. Garver asked him about interracial relationships and why are there so many gays in Hollywood plus a couple of others. The last question was ''Have you ever farted in your hand and smelled it?'' Bruce said ''never'' and ended the interview. Peter Fonda was the last interview. Garver got off a couple of questions and then Fonda ran off. He asked things like ''After the L.A. riots, do blacks scare you?'' and ''Did you ever get the fat sucked out of your ass?'' Fonda was done after that last one.
Howard said he got a letter from actor Robert Urich. Robin tried to remember what shows he had been on but Howard left her hanging. He said that Urich was writing to ask him to do a talk show that he's doing. Howard said it seemed to be a form letter so he figured it was sent out to every celebrity out there. He read through the letter where Urich talks about his surviving cancer and how he's going to try to do the best daytime talk show he can. The letter said that he could turn down the show on tape if he wanted because he was hoping that they'd have some celebrities doing that. Howard said he's not going to turn down a cancer patient on film.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up this Mancow guy out in Chicago and said that he's been goofing on him by sticking fake license plates and stuff on the guy's car. He said he put a fake plate that read ''STERN'' on his car once. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go. He continued to talk about what a phony that Mancow is and spent a minute on that before moving on to Mark Harris.
Mark said that Martha's daughter got $50,000 out of the will but she would have gotten just one dollar if it wasn't for him. He convinced Martha to give her more. Howard asked Mark about his love making with Martha and how he did it at least two times. He asked Daveed if he knew that Mark had made love to a 90 year old woman. Daveed said he did know that. Mark interrupted and asked Howard about the Real Doll but Howard didn't want to talk about that, he wanted to talk to Mark about his life.
Howard asked Mark about what he did after Martha died. Mark had gone over to Europe and met Daveed. Mark said that was about 3 years later though. Daveed was playing his violin at the time so Howard had him reenact that moment. Daveed played his violin a little bit for them. Howard asked Mark what he sang with Daveed that night he met him. Mark said it was Broadway tunes but he didn't remember which ones because he was so drunk at the time.
Howard asked Daveed about how he got Mark into bed and got him undressed. Daveed said that Mark was a little overweight so Howard figured he was disgusted by him. They spent a few minutes going over all of that. They eventually realized that they could work together musically. Mark said they realized that almost immediately.
Howard was going to let Mark and Daveed perform a song but took some phone calls first. He also found out that Mark was actually born Mark Harris Bleefeld which he felt came off too German so he shortened it. He had Mark and Daveed start their song a short time after that. Daveed played his Violin over a music track while Mark sang ''Eternity.'' Jackie was laughing through the whole song. Fred was also letting out a few laughs while Mark was belting out the song.
Howard said the phones were lit up after the song. He took a couple of calls and let the fans comment on what they had just heard. One guy asked if his first wife was a lesbian. Mark said that was not true at all. He said that he wanted to know what this man's name was but the guy wouldn't give that information out. Some other callers told Mark he was awful and Gilbert Gottfried's singing Rabbi is better. Another guy said that his sphincter muscle tightened up when he heard Mark singing.
Howard let a few more callers through and said he didn't want Mark to get upset by taking more. Mark said it was all fine. Howard let a few more callers through to goof on Mark about his awful singing. Howard told Mark that he actually liked the performance. Robin said it was very interesting. Howard asked Daveed to play a little more for them before he wrapped up. Daveed played a little concerto on his violin and Howard told Mark to take off his clothes while he played. Howard said that Daveed really has some talent and he's not sure how he got saddled with Mark. He went to break a short time later.
The kid asked if you just walk up to them and ask. Howard said that's basically what you do. The kid was saying that he'd have safe sex if he did it with a prostitute. Howard told the guy that he can still get warts and stuff on his nuts. He told the kid to ask his dad instead. He said he really had to get going to do the news too. He was still talking about doing the Real Doll but he didn't think he'd get to it today.
Howard ran down a list of the great things about the Real Doll which included things like her not talking back, never being on the rag, no negotiations for any type of sex, she doesn't talk back and her entire family isn't coming over for Thanksgiving.
Howard was goofing on Steve Grillo a little bit because he'd heard some stories from him about the weapons that Saddam Hussein has over in Iraq. Grillo came in and said that he read about Saddam having these weapons that allow him to fly remote controlled planes over the troops and spray them with stuff. Jackie pointed out that they weren't even able to talk to Stuttering John down on the sidewalk earlier, so having a remote controlled plane like that might be kind of crazy.
Robin read through a bunch of stories and at one point Jackie was cracking himself up laughing at one of the stories that Robin had read. Robin brought up a story about tinnitus (hearing loss) and talked about how she was hit in the side of the head with a pipe when she was a kid and she's had a ringing in her ears since then. She said she's just learned to live with it. Steve Grillo talked about the noise he hears in his ears when things are quiet. Howard said he's afraid that he's losing his hearing because of his headphones being kept on too loud. He said that's why he's going to have to get out of radio in 3 years when his contract is up.
Howard asked Ozzy if it was true that he urinated on the Alamo. Ozzy told him to shut up and told him it was true. Howard said he had never heard that before though. He told Jack that he wished that Ozzy was his dad. His dad never did anything cool, he just yelled at him. Jack told Howard that they're going to see Starship Troopers today. Howard told Jack that he could make a ton of money selling stuff out of the house to the kids at school. He told him to take his father's glasses and sell them at school.
Howard asked if any famous people ever come over and hang at the house. Jack said there aren't that many. Ozzy asked Howard to promote this thing he had coming up today. That led to Howard asking about this new music video he's got out and Jack knew more about it than his father did. Howard told Jack that he's going to have some life. He has no idea how much fun it's going to be. He told him he has to play it right though.
Howard gave Ozzy a plug for his new album and talked to him a little bit about that. He mentioned that Ozzy was going to be doing the DJ thing there at the station today. Ozzy had no clue that's what he was there for. Howard wrapped up with them and let them go. He ended the show around 10:10am (Master Tape Theatre time).
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