Howard started off the show talking about the Imus firing. He said a lot of people were calling in to ask his opinion. He's also been getting calls from news outlets asking him for his thoughts but it's like they don't know he's on the radio. He said he had someone following him around with a camera over the weekend asking him what he thought but he didn't comment. That's why he has this radio show.
Robin thought that Howard sounded different this morning but she couldn't quite pin it down. Howard started moving his lips without talking and tried to fool her but she wasn't fooled. That led to Howard talking about her race that she did over the weekend. He spent a few seconds on that and then got back to Imus.
Howard said he predicted that Imus was going to get fired because of what he said. He said that people claim that he does the same type of thing that Imus did but it's not the same thing. He said he was asked to do shows like Good Morning America and shows like that but he declined. He said he's on SIRIUS satellite radio and that's where you can hear him giving his thoughts on all of that.
Howard said that some people said that there's no way he can be happy about this Imus thing. He said he's thrilled because this guy Imus has been making outrageous, slanderous comments over the years and he's gotten away with it until now. The guy would also have guests on his show who would shun their show according to Robin.
Howard brought up the story about Imus calling this woman Brenda the N-word when they were working at WNBC. That's when Howard claims he was turned off to that guy in the cowboy hat. He said that someone picked up on the fact that Imus stopped wearing that cowboy hat when Imus was called out on the racist comments.
Howard's prediction came true so Robin asked him if he was a psychic. He said he's not and he's just an observer of the industry and he knew what was going to happen. He read that Imus was getting paid $10 million a year to do that awful show of his and he's sure that CBS is working on not paying him for the remainder of that contract. He said they'll probably figure out a way not to pay him even though he was under contract. Howard said he went through stuff like that with them and he knows that they'll try to come up with some way not to pay the guy.
Howard said Imus has already said that he's going to take the summer off but he's had a lot of offers to come back. He said that his predictions have already come true and there's no way there are any offers for him to come back to radio. He said he has to be lying when he says that there are offers. He said that he defies Imus to show him any Bona Fide offer to come back to the radio. He said he'd like him to come on his air and show him that offer. He knows that he has to be lying about that.
Howard also talked about how awful Imus looks at the age of 67. He said he doesn't look like he takes care of himself and he's just a mess. Robin said he doesn't look human. Howard said his father, who is 84 years old, looks better than Imus.
Robin said that she got a call from Adam Carolla when she was out in Los Angeles asking her to go see his movie. Howard said they're going to go see it and Adam has to calm down about that. He got back to Imus and talked about the cowboy hat again and how big it's gotten in the cartoons that are being drawn of him.
Howard said that Imus had to be fired after the people at MSNBC fired him. If they hadn't, they would have looked like fools. Howard said MSNBC was looking to get rid of the guy anyway because he doesn't get any ratings for them. He said that even Keith Olbermann was talking about how miserable he was to work with over there at MSNBC. He played an audio clip of Keith talking about just how miserable Imus was. Keith was saying that they had to walk through waist high excrement when they were working with the guy. He said the guy was making women miserable there behind the scenes and they're glad that they got rid of the guy.
Howard brought up that Brenda woman from NBC again and talked about how despicable Imus has been over the years. He played more of the Keith Olbermann interview and listened to Keith telling his side of the story. Howard said when someone like Keith, who is more respectable than Howard himself, comes out like that and talks about how despicable Imus is, people must listen.
Howard said that people claim that Imus was responsible for his act but if you go back and listen to his old shows, he had nothing going on and he's the one who stole Howard Stern's act. He said that Imus is a piece of shit and couldn't come up with a bit of his own.
Howard read more of that article where the guy says that they had felons at the hospital that caused less trouble than Imus did. He claims that an African American employee of the hospital was sent into the room to feed him but she left crying after he used a racial slur on her. He also claims that Imus threw food out into the hall from his room when he wasn't happy with what he got. Howard said the paper was a college paper and he's not sure if it's true or not, but he wants to believe it is.
Howard said that Beth told him that Martha Stewart was feeling bad for Imus after he was fired. He said he wanted to tell Martha not to feel bad for him at all. He also said that they should be firing this guy Bernard McGirk as well.
Howard played a clip from 60 Minutes where Mike Wallace asked Imus about using the N-word while talking to their producer in a car ride over to the studio. Imus denied it at first but then admitted that maybe he did use it but he was probably doing it as a joke in an off-the-record conversation. Imus tried defending himself but Wallace stood his ground and called him out on the racist comments.
Howard said that he has another example of what a piece of shit this guy is. He said that he can't go on the air and say that Artie has herpes or something like that himself because it's slanderous. He said about a year or two ago Imus became pissed off about something he said about him and said something about his girlfriend Beth and used her as a battering ram. He said some things about Beth and they played a bit about her that was just wrong. He said she was actually going to sue Imus over it but Howard told her that would just bring more attention to it. He said he told Beth that he was going to challenge Imus to a fist fight if he would say something like that to his face.
Howard said Imus said that Beth was a whore and had herpes. He said he would never do that to a person because it's slanderous. Howard played the clip where Imus was talking about how Stern has been his bitch all along. He did admit that Howard had about 3 times the ratings that they did but Stern was still his bitch somehow? Howard said that they had almost 5 times the audience that they did. Imus goes on and talks about how he's the I-Man and Mel (Karmazin) likes him better than Howard. He and his crew goof on Howard but even Imus says that there could have been a Howard Stern without Imus. Howard went off on Imus calling him a fucking asshole and other various things.
Howard got back to the tape where Imus pretended to take a phone call from Jayson Williams which was actually Bernard doing a lousy impression of a black guy. The guy said he heard Howard Stern bad mouthing Imus and that just wasn't right. Howard interrupted and said that he didn't have a problem with them going off on him but when they attack Beth, that's when he has the problem. The guy claims that Beth has pimples on her ass and calls her a bitch and that her pussy smells. ''Jayson'' also claims he's been ''hittin that'' for 2 years and she has genital herpes. He then says that he's done with that skank. Howard said this is what this fucknut does to people. Howard said that he'd like to knock that guy's fucking teeth out in the ring. He said he knows that guy doesn't have the balls to do that.
Howard said it was all a big yuck for Imus and his crew. Beth came to him and asked him what she should do after she heard about the bit. Howard said he never called Imus' wife a bitch or that she had any sexually transmitted diseases. He told Beth that she could sue over it for being defamation but Imus is the luckiest motherfucker he's ever known and he'd probably get off somehow. Howard said he never went on the air and said that Deirdre had herpes or anything like that. Beth told him not to ever do that and he never would. Howard said that no one should feel bad for this motherfucker. He then went off on Bernard and how that guy used to call Gary looking for a job with him. He said that if SIRIUS hires that guy, he's out of there. He said that guy is a ''piece of shit garbage.'' He and Robin got back to the 60 Minutes piece for a few seconds as well.
Howard said he wants to get the kid who wrote that article from earlier on the phone. He said no one should feel bad for Imus and no one should believe he has any job offers either. He doesn't think that anyone is rushing to give him a job the day after he was fired.
Howard also had a new Wack Pack Feedback bit that Sal put together. They had Wendy the Retard commenting on Imus' firing. She said that Imus could have said what he said if he was on SIRIUS. Jeff the Drunk also had an opinion on the whole thing. Jeff said that it's about time he got fired for being the racist fuck that he is. Gary the Retard also had some advice for him and called him a stupid fucking retard. Blue Iris was in the bit as well and had some comments about his old shriveled dick. She said she wouldn't mind licking Deirdre's cunt.
Howard said the bottom line is not to feel bad for this asshole. He thinks it's over for this guy now and this is Karma coming to get him. He wondered how this guy became so arrogant in his life. He and Robin talked about that for a short time.
Howard said he thinks that this is the end of terrestrial radio. He said the terrestrial radio industry wasn't afraid of satellite radio until he moved to satellite himself. That's when they realized that it could be huge. He said that when an audience pays for something like this, they're getting what they pay for. It's over for terrestrial radio and he's been saying that since before he made the move. He said they're looking at the future of radio right now when they listen to SIRIUS.
Howard said that he caught Jay Thomas making an appearance on FOX News on the weekend. He said there's this one chick on FOX who is really sexy and always has good things to say about him. He said she's not really a classic beauty but she's really sexy. Artie knew who he was talking about and said that all you can think about his banging her. Howard said that he'd be arrested for what he'd like to do to that chick.
Robin said that Rosie O'Donnell was lumping Howard in with Imus when she was asked about the whole Imus thing. Howard seemed surprised by that. He went in to talk about how Bernard will never work where he works and he hopes his whole family has to go out on the street and get jobs as hookers so they get genital herpes themselves. He said he's done in the business and he loves it. He also had some things to say about the other guys on Imus' show. He wishes them all bad luck and says their careers are over.
Howard said he drove past Imus' apartment building and saw that he had a ton of security out there. He actually wanted to stop and yell out some shit to him. He said that people didn't even see him there because he was wearing a hood. He said he only lives about half a block from him and he really did want to go out there and yell some stuff out.
Gary said that they were showing a pro-Imus rally on the news and there couldn't have been more than 20 people at it. The news had a helicopter shot of the rally and there were hardly any people there.
Howard said that Sean Hannity was talking about this whole thing on his show so he played some clips from that show. Hannity was talking about how talented Howard Stern is and how Imus really doesn't have to do stuff like he was doing because you just have to do a smart, funny show to get an audience. Howard also played a clip from Bill Maher's show where he was goofing on Imus a little bit and throwing Howard's name into some of his jokes.
Howard said that Imus' brother Fred works there at SIRIUS and he made a little bit of an apology for his brother. He played some of the audio and the guy sounds very similar to his brother. Fred and his crew of people who can barely speak were mumbling some stuff about Imus' incident. Fred said that his brother did go over the line with his comments but he did apologize for it. He said some people will never accept that apology but he is his brother and he will defend him until hell freezes over. He said that people should do an investigation into him before the pass judgment on him. Howard said he's known the guy for a long time and he knows what Imus is like so that's how he came up with his opinion on the guy.
Howard said it's time for Imus to go and die... like Johnny Sack from The Sopranos. He said he was up watching the show last night and it was excellent. He said some people thought the show was kind of slow but he's not sure what people are expecting. The guys spent a few minutes talking about that show and how anyone could get killed off at this point.
Howard said that the producers of Lost should take a clue from The Sopranos and come up with an end date. They could do some really cool stuff like they do with The Sopranos and make it great again. He said he thinks that The Sopranos might be the greatest show ever, right after The Honeymooners.
Howard was talking about how he had to take Ambien to get to sleep last night so Robin told him that there are natural things he could do to get to sleep. He said he does beat off to try to sleep but that hasn't been working lately. Robin said there are natural ways that he could try though. He said he's had the same bottle of Ambien for the past 2 or 3 years now and he's not taking it all that much.
Artie said he never had trouble going to sleep when he was working 10 hour days unloading trucks. Howard said he had to take a break after that. He mentioned that David Arquette was going to be coming in later this morning. Jackie Mason is also coming in.
Howard said the e-mailer said that she would almost come to a complete stop in corners. Robin said that she had a mechanical problem. The writer claimed that one of the other celebrities was heard telling Robin to get her black ass out of the way. Robin said they didn't have any radios to comment on so that was bullshit.
Robin said that George Lucas was involved in a head-on collision with another driver. She said that he must have had this idea that he was going to move ahead and he apparently ran out of talent and ended up spinning around, headed backwards and that made another driver go out of control and she hit him head on. She said that he was okay after the crash but he's probably sore today.
Robin said the cars that the cars they were driving were Scions so they're not all that expensive. They used the same cars last season so they are kind of used. Artie said he thinks they'd want new cars for something like that. Howard asked Robin if she's done with racing now. She said that she's not done, she still wants to race Bubba the Love Sponge and she wants someone to set up a date for that.
Robin claimed that she didn't finish last. She was able to pass all of the people who crashed. She denied being last but she really did finish last because the people who finished after her didn't finish the race. She finally admitted she was the last one of the cars that were still moving. She claimed she didn't have any scratches on her car though.
A phone caller told Robin he heard Steve Langford's special report and now he wants to know if Bubba is going to be able to grab on to her big black boobies when she loses to him. Robin said she's not done with her racing experiences. She said she went to the Bondurant school of driving while they were on vacation so she's been doing a lot of racing.
Howard asked Robin if Bubba is going to get to feel her up. She said that was never part of the deal, it's just a kiss that Bubba is going to get if Bubba beats her. Robin said that KC, Sam Simon, Robin Radzinski, Ralph and others came out to see her race over the weekend. She said it was very nice. She said that she walked up to a fence to greet some people at the race and someone yelled out that Bubba was so going to beat her when they do eventually race.
Artie said that they have some great shots of him falling asleep during the Miss Black Howard Stern segment and it really does look like he's falling asleep and because he's on heroin or something. He told Howard he has to check that show out because he really looks like he's nodding off. He credited Brian Phelan for that because he controls his camera. He said that Scott DePace is the great director who cuts to that shot and he goes to it at just the right moment.
Howard mentioned some of the specials they have coming up like Robin's race, JD at the AVN awards, Eating with Artie and many other specials are coming up. Hanzi interrupted and apologized for what happened the last time he called in because he screwed up. He said he usually has a sheet he goes off of but today he didn't have one. Howard got back to the list and said they have the hot chick slumber party in the works along with a ton of other things. He said he's got a list of about 10,000 things on the list.
Robin said that she had to say that Dave Mira was the winner of the race she was in and he did a great job. She also said that Martina Navratilova finished second and she may have been able to beat Dave if George Lucas hadn't crashed. That cut down the race to 7 laps.
Artie brought up The Sopranos again and mentioned some of the great writing they did on that show. He said that Phil Leotardo's character was named after Leonardo Davinci and he's the one on the show going around and killing off all of the gay guys. He thought that was great writing.
Lisa said that Katherine McPhee has joined the Sanjaya phenomenon so she'll have more on that. She said they'll also have a new Page 69 about an unnamed Stern staffer who was offered oral sex in the elevator and he said yes to it but never heard from her again after saying yes to her. Howard wondered who it could be. Artie said it wasn't him. Howard wondered if it was Benjy. He knew it wasn't Fred though. Fred said he thinks that it was Richard. Howard thanked Lisa for that and let her go.
Robin asked David about the giant wedding ring he was wearing. She said it was huge so David explained how Courtney (Cox) had given him a ring that was even bigger so they had it melted down and made smaller for him. Howard asked David how long they dated before they got married. He said it was about 3 years or so. They didn't wait all that long before they had got it on. He said they met on the set of Scream so it was an on screen dating thing going on there. Howard said there's something about being on the set of a movie because of the way you get coddled.
Howard asked David if Courtney has any negatives like hitting him or something like that. He said she doesn't do that but she will tell him like it is and not hold back. Howard read in the tabloids that Courtney is cheating on him with someone on the set of her TV show ''Dirt.'' David said he knows that's not true, he knows the guy they're talking about and he's a great guy. He said that they do love scenes on the show and that's why people think she's having an affair. David threw in a mention for the fans of the show that they need to write to FX and ask them to bring the show back for a second season.
Howard said that the tabloid would be sued if the story wasn't true. David said that they have never sued over that kind of thing before and there have been many stories like that. Howard kept digging but David threatened to walk out, while laughing, and said that just because Howard slept around doesn't mean he did. Howard told David he never slept around, that's not why he got divorced.
Howard asked David where Courtney is now. David joked that she was in bed with her co-star and laughed at that. Howard asked David how he brings that stuff up with Courtney. He said they usually get a call before the story comes out and they're asked for a comment. He said they always say ''no comment'' for stuff like that. He said if she really is cheating on him he'd just say ''good riddance'' to her. He said they don't keep secrets from each other in their relationship but Howard said every relationship has secrets.
David said there are some stories about him flirting with some ''nappy hos'' out there. He said some girls wanted to have their picture taken with him and he turned them away. Howard told David that there was once a story about him buying a car for a stripper and that was completely false so maybe this isn't true. Howard kept digging at the story but David stood up as if he were going to walk out. Artie said that maybe they planted the story to get some publicity for ''Dirt.'' David said they didn't do that but he did once try to set up a story like that to get some publicity. Their publicist told them it was a bad idea so they put a stop to it.
Howard asked David if it's tough to see his wife making out with her co-star. David said that is kind of tough. He also said that she sometimes goes out to dinner with her. Howard seemed to think that wasn't a good thing and asked David why she doesn't invite David to go with them. David was joking around about the whole thing and joking about the call he might make to her about something like that. He said he just doesn't do that kind of thing and it's not an issue for him. He said they've been married for 7 years now and maybe it's the 7 year itch and maybe he should give her a call.
David said that they do go to counseling sometimes so Howard asked what that's about. He said he has to go to a shrink himself but he doesn't bring Beth with him. David said they don't go often, they just go once in a very long while. Howard wondered what brings that up and why they have to go. David said he might get stubborn about something and she'll bring him to therapy with her.
Howard asked David if he got into trouble about the stuff he talked about the last time he was on. David said that what he did was kind of disrespectful to the other people and he didn't want to get into it again. Jennifer Aniston was one of those people so Howard talked about the one time he met her when she was representing a weight loss product and came on the show for that. He said she wasn't really ''Jennifer Aniston'' at the time though.
Howard asked David if he's not allowed to talk about Brad Pitt now. He said he can but he's going to take the 5th on that and not have his comments taken out of context again. David said Howard and Robin do this whirlpool thing where they talk and play sound effects that confuse people.
David said that he didn't get into trouble for talking about that stuff the last time he was on. He said he just noticed that the stories got picked up and ended up all over the place. He said he came across as a blabbermouth and he's really not like that.
Howard asked David who else is in his circle of friends other than Jennifer Aniston. David said he's friends with Vincent Gallo and he's a great guy. He said they've known him for a very long time now and most of the stuff he does is just for shock value... and Howard should know something about that. David said the last time he was on the show he paid dearly for what he said so he's staying quiet today.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she likes ''Dirt.'' Howard asked her if she thinks that something could be going on with Courtney and her co-star. She said she thinks that Howard and Robin are being snakes this morning and nothing is going on.
Howard asked David if he followed all of this Imus thing. David said he didn't get what the big stink was and there have been a lot worse things said in the past. Howard asked David if he would want his daughter called a ''nappy headed ho.'' David said that he was surprised that the line was turned into such a big thing. He said they're called names all the time and it seemed to be blown out of proportion a bit.
Howard asked David about this new movie he has out called ''The Tripper.'' David explained the movie and said that it's a political thriller and you can find out more about it at Myspace.com/TheTripperMovie. David said he directed the movie and he plays a part in it as well. There is a lot of blood and gore and sex in the movie. She said that the chick who gets semi-nude is hot. He also said that there's a naked hippie couple in the beginning of the movie as well. It's also got an R-rating which Howard was happy to hear. He said he misses the R-rated movies these days.
David asked Howard what he does about hate mail because he just started to get some after never getting any. He said that the mail is about what he's done in his movie. Howard told him to just go do his thing and that's it. He asked David if Courtney's boobs are real or fake. He claimed they were real but it seemed like there was some confusion there. He said that she even breast fed but they've held up nicely. Howard asked him about Jennifer Aniston's breasts and if they sag. David just laughed.
Howard asked David what his daughter calls Courtney's new boyfriend. He joked that she calls him ''new daddy.'' Howard also asked how old the daughter is and found out that she's going to be three this year. They spent a minute talking about her. Howard said it's horrible when the girls discover their sexuality. He said it makes you want to jump out of a window.
Howard said that David seems to be a happy guy and seems to have it together. That led right into him asking David about his brother who dresses up like a woman. David said that 'she' has a movie coming out that will be in the Tribecca Film Festival. Howard asked him if he ever talks to his brother and asks him not to cut his cock off. He said it's really up to her if she wants to do that.
Artie said he thinks that David doesn't give a shit about whether or not Courtney cheats on him. David said he'd be done with her if she did do something like that. He doesn't believe that's the case.
David said that this movie of his is opening up on 4/20 which Artie reminded everyone is a pot reference. David said the movie is about pot smokers so that's where the reference comes in. He said he's taken some drugs in his life and talked about how he used heroin once in a while. He doesn't do that anymore though. He said he might smoke some pot once in a while. David was talking a bit about that and it hit him all of a sudden that this was going to be the next article if he kept talking about it. He said he can see the headlines about their marriage being in ruins and how he was on drugs and stuff.
Gary came in and said he read that David and Courtney love to smoke a ton of weed but David said that's not the case. He also heard that Jennifer and Brad were heavy pot smokers but David denied that as well. Gary said the real reason he was in was to show a picture of Courtney half naked. They showed the picture on the monitor and David said it was real. David said that their daughter Cocoa had pulled her shirt down. David thanked Gary for coming in with that and asked the guys to removed it from the screen. Fred said that he thought they looked real to him.
Howard took some phone calls and let some people talk to David. One guy said he's looking forward to this new movie of his. David mentioned the myspace page for the movie again (Myspace.com/TheTripperMovie) and that one of the most popular videos on the page was where he peed ''The Tripper.'' One caller said that David was one of the most popular guests at this event he was at over the weekend. He said David was nice enough to give his autograph's for free there while other people were selling theirs. The guy rattled off a bunch of names of people who were there charging for their autographs. Richard Christy was there at the event and said that they interviewed a bunch of people while they were there. Richard said some people walked away pretty quick, even David walked away. David said that they actually pulled him away.
David said that they can't find a movie theater in New York City so he asked Howard to help him out there. Howard said he'd see what he could do for him and then went to break.
Robin asked Jackie if he plucks his eyebrows. He said that everyone asked him how he can look the way he does at his age. He said he's turning 71 on Thursday. Howard told him he looks good compared to him. Jackie went on to say that he thinks that Chris Rock is a Jackie Mason imitator, just a black version, but he thinks that he's really a funny guy. He said he resents that because he's making more money than he is.
Howard asked Jackie which stand-up comedians he respects. Jackie said he respects a lot of them but wasn't giving names. He was busy sniffing over and over again after every comment. Jackie went on to say that Jerry Seinfeld is one guy he respects and he gets the same respect from him as well. Howard asked him who he thinks is the most overrated comic out there. Jackie said that he would never louse up another person, unlike Howard. He said that anyone who has fans who are willing to pay to see them is doing just fine. He said he would never bad mouth any of them. He said that just because Howard is rumored to be making $500 million doesn't make him resent him, he said it makes him a little nauseous though.
Jackie said he's got this new book out called ''Schmucks!: Our Favorite Fakes, Frauds, Lowlifes, Liars, the Armed and Dangerous, and Good Guys Gone Bad.'' Howard didn't get into that right away, he held off and asked Jackie some questions about going to temple and stuff like that. Jackie went into a whole speech about that but Howard eventually cut him off and got back to the book. Howard said Jackie wrote this book with the lawyer Raoul Felder. They talked about some of the stuff in the book. One of the things in the book is a story about how Bill Maher tried to sue him for stealing his show name ''Politically Incorrect'' even though Jackie had that show name about a year before Bill had his. The lawyer ended up throwing that whole case out.
Howard asked Jackie about some other things like Paul McCartney's divorce. That led to Jackie saying that the band was just lucky and joked about how they needed four people just to sing one song. Howard asked Jackie about his friends and asked if he hangs out with other comedians. He talked about that a little bit but then Howard asked him if he can still get it up at that age. Jackie told him not to ask him questions like that. He said he'd smack Howard in the mouth if he could reach that high. He was joking around but he did refuse to answer those kind of questions. He wouldn't even talk about if he had a girlfriend or not. Jackie said that kind of information makes no difference at all and it's not going to help anyone to know if he's going out with anyone.
Howard said that in Jackie's book he attacks some celebrities like Barbra Streissand. He asked Jackie to talk about her so he went off on her for a few seconds. He sniffed after almost every comment he made during the interview. It was constant sniffing but no one was saying a word about that. Jackie said that she had this power to paralyze the Jews who went to see her perform. He said her singing was very good but they thought her looks were going to hold her back in her career.
Howard asked Jackie about this Michael Richards guy and what he thinks about what he said. Jackie ended up going off on Al Sharpton for what he's done and said in his life. He said that this guy shouldn't be the judge and jury for this country when he's done what he's done. Robin tried asking him a question but he was saying he wasn't going to talk to her about that. Robin was actually agreeing with him though. Jackie said it's unusual for a black person to say what Robin was saying.
Howard asked Jackie about Katie Couric because he talks about her in his book as well. He said that she doesn't look the part and really shouldn't be in that position. He also attacks Steven Spielberg in his book so Howard asked him about that. Jackie explained that and then told Howard that he was tired. Howard said he'd wrap up then if that was the case. Artie said he saw Jackie do his stand-up for 2 hours on Broadway. Jackie said he doesn't work half as hard there as he has on this show. Fred played a resuscitator clip as he was talking about that.
Howard wrapped up with Jackie and gave him another plug for his book ''Schmucks!: Our Favorite Fakes, Frauds, Lowlifes, Liars, the Armed and Dangerous, and Good Guys Gone Bad'' and told Jackie that he thinks he's one of the best out there. He went to break after that... get that man a tissue for fucks sake.
Howard let Bobo go and took a call from Wolfie who said that the Big Foot special on Howard TV was great. He said that it was absolutely great to see how that guy lives. He said he couldn't believe that Steve Langford had to stay with Big Foot and his crew for so long. Artie wondered what section it was under but Wolfie wasn't sure. He said that maybe they should have Artie and Big Foot sit down and have an eating competition because Big Foot was able to eat a whole pizza in one sitting.
Artie said they did something like that at K-Rock and he was able to eat a while pie in a half hour. Howard said he could probably beat both of them because he eats so fast. He thinks that he could eat a whole pie too. Robin didn't think he could do that though. Howard said he could have eaten a whole pie when he was at this restaurant over the weekend.
Artie said the pie he was looking at on the monitor in the studio was a bar pie which is smaller than the pies they have there in the city. Wolfie also talked about how Big Foot seems to go from motel to motel living from room to room. He doesn't have a lot of stuff to bring with him either. He just carries a bag of stuff and a couple bottles of soda with him.
Wolfie told Howard and the guys more about some of the stuff that went on in that special. Howard thanked him for the call but Wolfie said that he was watching the show where Artie got the date invitation from the porn star agent and there was a blurry scene at the 51 minute mark. He told Howard to have the guys look into that.
Artie said that he couldn't stop thinking about that blonde (Heather) all weekend. He didn't end up on going on the date he had with the Philly chick because he got really sick. He said she now probably thinks that he actually went out with that Leah chick even though he didn't.
Howard said that Tim should be motivated by $20,000 but he hasn't lost all that much weight. Tim got on the scale and came in at 260 pounds. He gained 5 pounds. Jason got on the scale and came in at 236 pounds which was a loss of 3 pounds. Brian Phelan got on the scale and came in at 227 so he only lost one pound.
Scott the Engineer came in so Gary talked about how Scott had some troubles at his house when they got all of this rain over the weekend. They had a window well that filled up with water and the water poured into the basement. Scott had a sump pump but his power went out so he had to go in the basement and bail out the water all night. Scott got on the scale and came in at 235 pounds this week. He only lost a pound. Scott said he's been doing the same stuff he was doing in the past few weeks and he still only lost a pound. He thinks he'll be fine after that.
Benjy was the biggest threat to everyone because he's lost so much so far. He got on the scale and came in at 238, a gain of 10 pounds. The guys thought he was messing around but Benjy said he had been eating a bit last week. He found it hard to believe that it was 10 pounds. He still thinks that he's going to defeat the guys. The guys asked Benjy what's up with him and why he's messing with them. Robin said he did talk about gaining weight early on in the competition.
The guys wondered if he had any weights shoved up his ass or anything so Benjy bent over and showed everyone his ass. Benjy started laughing when he did that and Artie said it smelled like ass over there. Howard said it looked like he was clean there and there was nothing shoved up there. Benjy was giggling so Howard wondered why he was doing that. He said it was because he just showed his ass. Then he showed off his balls to the guys and Gary said it looked like he had Jackie Mason balls.
Artie thinks that he's just psyching out the rest of the guys. Benjy was accusing everyone of messing with him while everyone else thought he was messing with them. Howard had him remove his hat and get back on the scale. Fred said they should weigh him naked. He got back on the scale and came in a pound lower.
The guys wanted to see how much Artie weighed this week just for the fun of it. Artie went over and weighed in at 294 pounds. He seemed excited about that. He wasn't even trying anymore. Here's how the contest has gone so far for the remaining members...
Howard spent a short time talking about working with Billy and how he really didn't work for his show. He was working with the radio station at the time. He said Billy came to him one day and said that he wanted to be a full time member of the show and they couldn't make the deal for whatever reason. Howard thought that they should have kept him around but the guy was doing all kinds of other jobs too. Howard felt like Billy was angry at him but Richard said that Billy told them that he'd come on the show anytime. He's not bitter at all from what he could tell. Artie said that he remembers that he and some friends were talking about how they thought Billy was going to replace Jackie when Jackie left. That didn't happen though.
Howard said Richard went over and interviewed Eric Roberts and he got very pissed at them because he didn't know they were from the stern Show. Richard said he calmed down once he knew they were from the Stern Show. He loves the show so he calmed down. Richard asked Eric about his sister Julia so Eric talked about her and why things aren't that good between them. Richard also asked Eric about the fattest chick he's ever banged and who the most famous chick was that he had banged.
Eric was all nice to Richard and JD after he knew they were from the Stern Show. He had some nice things to say to Robin. The guys talked about Eric and how great of an actor he is.
Howard had another interview where JD and Richard talked to a fan who was at the convention they were at. The guy was 45 years old and gave them a ''ha ha ha'' when they asked him when he last got laid. Richard asked him if he lives with his mom. He said that didn't have much to do with the convention scene. He didn't answer any of those questions seriously.
Howard said Richard and JD had another interview with Robert Beltran from Star Trek Voyager. Richard asked him if he shaves his private parts. The guy didn't answer that and told them they might need to get laid because he hasn't heard those kind of questions since he was in high school. They didn't last too long with that guy.
Howard played another clip where JD and Richard interviewed this Cybil Danning chick. JD and Richard both told her that she was very hot when they were younger. JD asked her if she found him attractive at all. She said that both of them were attractive and every guy has something attractive about them. JD asked her if penis size matters to her. She didn't want to get into that kind of stuff so they ended it.
Howard said this guy Zacherly used to work as a DJ and he had his own TV show called Chiller Theater on a local TV station. Howard said that he remembers watching him when he was younger and it was kind of funny to watch. He said it was also kind of cool. Gary told Howard that the guy is going to be 89 this September but he sounds great for his age. Howard played the clip and Zacherly was making up stories about giving Howard advice about getting into the industry. Howard had forgotten that they worked with the guy at K-Rock for a while. Gary had to remind him about that.
Howard played another clip where Richard and JD jerked this convention goer around by telling him that their recording equipment wasn't working right. They had him repeating himself over and over again. The guy kept saying ''How's it goin' guys... I'm here for the Chiller Theater...'' They'd cut him off and tell him it didn't record so he'd repeat himself over and over again. Richard said they had to cut that down quite a bit and they actually talked to him for a really long time and jerked him around like that the whole time. Howard thanked them for that and moved on to Steve Langford.
Steve said they got a tour of Crazy Alice's apartment. They get to see where she yells at Artie when she's on the phone. They'll have more of that today. They will also be talking about Sanjaya and how Hillary Clinton has finally commented on it. He also got in a plug for Chuck Zito's View show that's on tonight at 7pm on Howard 101.
Howard had Jon Hein come in after that. Fred played his ''Rich Nerd'' theme when he came in. Jon said they'll be talking about David Arquette's visit and of course Jackie Mason's visit as well. They'll also talk about Robin's race and about Benjy's 10 pound weight gain this week. Howard thanked him for that and had Robin start her news.
The guys talked about some of the weird places where they had sex in their lives. No one really had any crazy stories though. Artie said he had sex under a boardwalk but that wasn't all that crazy. He also said he got a hand job in Redondo Beach but that was in a hotel room so not crazy at all.
Howard had Fred doing his Imus impression during the news and singing along to Smoke on the Water again like he was doing last week. Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who wanted to hear the replay of the clip he played earlier in the morning but Robin told him to listen to the replay instead.
Howard also told people to listen to the first hour of this morning's show if they want to hear his comments on Imus. He read some mail about last weeks Sybian rides and he said some guys are really getting sick of that stuff.
Howard said he saw that Beer League was on On Demand when he was flipping through it. He also mentioned that Artie broke another chair in their weekly meeting last week. Artie said he didn't even lean into the chair, it just fell apart on it's own. Howard said that's not the first chair he's broken either. He's broken a few since gaining the weight.
Howard ended the show after Robin finished up her news around 10:50am.
Howard started off the show saying he may not be at the top of his game today because he's been up since 2:30 in the morning. He was all cranky and crabby for some reason so he had Beth give him some sex and stuff but that didn't work. He said he's been thinking about a lot of stuff and chess is one of them. He thinks that chess keeps him from thinking about other things that are more important.
Howard told Artie that he should get into chess because that might keep him from getting into other things. Artie said that he's thought about playing golf too but he's always said that heroin is better than golf. Howard went on to say that he thinks he's addicted to chess. He talked about a kid he was reading about who plays chess all the time and how he hustles guys to win money from people. The kid is kept on the chess team at school and they keep him on because it keeps him coming to school. The kid said that he's addicted to it and that's all he can do is play that game all day and all night.
Howard said you have to keep everything in proper perspective. He said he thinks the chess playing is getting to him and he realizes that he might not get any better even though he keeps playing. He said he can't stand not playing because there are so many nuances to the game. He said he could play the rest of his life and still not get any good at it.
Artie was talking about how there are a lot of nuances around golf as well. He said you really need a lot of knowledge in either one while maybe in football or baseball, you don't need that much. He and Howard talked about the games for a short time before Howard talked about how he's not going to be with it this morning.
In the clip Laura Bush is reading a book and says ''The Beardsley Jew'' instead of ''Zoo.'' Howard and the guys thought that was kind of funny and had some fun goofing on it for a few seconds.
Howard said that Al Sharpton was on Oprah's show yesterday talking about this Imus thing. She had a few other people like India Ari, Russell Simmons and some other people as well. He said you want to vomit when you see Al Sharpton getting any credit at all.
Howard said there are a couple of authors in Time magazine who used to be on Imus' show. They both basically said that they liked Imus because they got famous from being on the show. Now they're coming out and saying that they ignored the comments that Imus would make. Howard said he's been talking about Imus' racist comments for 30 years and no one listened, now they all come out of the woodwork. He said this Anna Marie Cox and whoever the other guy is from Time are both saying they knew it the whole time but didn't come forward.
Howard said even Al Roker is coming forward and saying that Imus should have been fired years ago. He should have been saying that when he was still working instead of waiting until after he was fired. Robin also pointed out that there were a lot of people out there who would run to Imus' show instead of doing Howard's show because he was supposed to be the ''thinking man's shock jock.''
Howard asked Robin which is worse, the tit suck or the jerking off. She said they're both bad and she doesn't want to do either. Howard asked her which she would do if she was forced to do it. Robin said she'd take the nipple sucking because it was only 10 seconds. She figures the jerking off would last much longer than that.
Howard said he got a letter from a guy who said that Robin did get better and better over the weekend while she was racing. She was very cautious and did a good job according to this guy. He told her to keep getting in more and more seat time to get better. Robin said she really doesn't have the time to do that though, that's the problem. The guy also gives her some advice about what kind of race to do against Bubba. The guy said he'd like to race against Robin too and wished her luck in all of that.
Robin said that the instructors who were teaching the celebrities out in California were very excited about how much she improved. She said she improved her time by 12 seconds from practice to racing so she's having a great time. She doesn't want to give up the race against Bubba because she loves doing it. She said that he's going to have to get into a car and drive against her to get anything off of her. She's not just going to give up the whole thing. She said no one lapped her in the race so she thinks she can do just fine against Bubba.
Howard had some audio clips of Imus' wife Deirdre filling in for her husband on his former radio show. She asked for people to stop writing to the women from Rutgers since it was hate mail. She said that they should send that kind of mail to her husband. Howard said she's become a whole celebrity now because of this whole thing.
Captain Janks asked Howard if he thinks that Deirdre is going to leave her husband over all of this. Howard said he thinks that will happen. Janks said he'd like to go on a date with her so maybe they should have a Dial-A-Date for her. Howard talked about how great it is that Imus wasn't wearing his cowboy hat when he was making all of those apologies.
Howard said someone suggested that they take Imus clips and mix them with Buddy Ebsen clips because they sound kind of similar. He did that and had the two gross old men talking and slurring their words. Buddy has a nasty phlegm thing in his throat so that was grossing Howard out. He said that was the last time anyone would hear that because it grossed him out so much.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said that Robin has man sized balls doing the things she does. Howard thinks that Robin is trying to become the next James Bond. He said she's doing the car racing thing and driving her boat so she can run from her car to her boat just like Bond would do. He said she's probably going to join the CIA and become the next James Bond. Howard said she has to learn to shoot now. She also has to learn to skydive. Robin said she's thinking about doing that because Martina Navratilova was talking about doing it.
Howard said it seems like Robin has a death wish or something. Robin said she's not afraid to die and she hates fear so she just refused to get more fearful. She said she fears a lot of things but she will confront those fears. She doesn't have a checklist of things to do but she will do things when she wants to do them. She said she's been thinking about piloting a plane so that's another thing she might do. Howard said maybe Robin and Martina could get it on in the sky sometime. That led to the guys asking Robin if she would rather kiss Bubba or Martina if she had to pick. She said that she would kiss Bubba. She still loves men and has no problem with Bubba because he seems to take care of his teeth even if they are a little too white now.
Robin talked about how pumped up she got to drive the race car over the weekend. She said the adrenalin started pumping about 3 hours before the race started and it continues the whole time.
Gary said he had four different people on the show and they're still there at the station. They only got rid of him. Howard said that's like Imus' show because Charles McCord is still there at WFAN. Howard talked to Gary about his career and if he's now branded as a racist. Gary said he doesn't think that anyone even knows him so he should be ok.
Howard put the word out to Nassau Broadcasting and told them that Gary in the Morning didn't do anything wrong. He asked Gary if he has a cancer ranch to fall back on like Imus does. Gary laughed and said he didn't think that far ahead. Howard asked Gary what good things he's done for black people that he could talk about. Gary said he'd have to get back to Howard about that. He didn't have any things to talk about like Imus did when he was making his apology.
Howard said that Nassau Broadcasting should give this guy a break and put him back on the air. Gary said that he's been number one in the market for 17 years and he's been working in the business for 30 years. He said he almost got a job on WYSP years ago but then they hired Howard down there and he got screwed out of a job. Howard apologized to him for that.
Howard said that it's time to stop the nonsense and get Gary back on the air. He asked Gary if there are a lot of black people in the area he was working in. Gary said there are some but not all that many. He said he could probably count them real quick if he wanted. Howard wished him luck after that and asked him if he's had any job offers. Gary said he's had a couple. Howard told him to keep them updated and let him go.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Imus must be thrilled about this shooting because he's now out of the headlines. Howard said that Oprah is still talking about him and dedicating a second day to the Imus thing.
Howard got back to the shootings and talked about how the gunman had killed a couple of people early in the morning and then waited 2 hours before shooting the students in the other area of the campus. Security at the school assumed the guy had left the campus and they had no idea that he was coming back so they didn't evacuate anyone there.
Howard said all of that came about because the shooter had some chick break up with him. He and the guys talked about how messed up that was. Robin also said that the shooter was a Chinese national who was here to study, he wasn't even a citizen.
Howard and the guys talked about how people can get guns no matter who they are and the gun laws don't seem to do any good. If someone wants to get a gun, they're going to get them. Howard said the one survivor who had blocked the door was saying that the shooter was very relaxed while he was blowing all of these people away. Most of the people who were killed were students so they talked about how awful the whole thing was.
Howard said that even if they had a security person for every kid there, they could still be hurt. He said even President Reagan was shot with all of the security he had around him when he was President. He took a call from a guy who wanted to know more details about the shooter but Howard really didn't know enough about it. He said even the cop at the press conference wasn't giving out the details and was just saying he didn't know.
Howard wanted to get Ronnie the Limo Driver's advice on what they should do about security in the colleges. Ronnie didn't come in so Fred played some audio clips of him until he did show up. Ronnie said he's been doing security for about 10 years now so Howard asked him what the solution is. Ronnie said they would have to put up metal detectors and have everyone walk through them every morning. Howard liked that answer and said he was impressed. Artie said that sounded reasonable to him. He said the high school he went to has metal detectors now. That doesn't seem all that far of a stretch for colleges to do.
Ronnie told Robin that if she wants more seat time, he knows some people at the Richard Petty school that want her to go there. He said he got food poisoning while he was down there and he had an awful time with his hemorrhoids so he really wasn't looking forward to the drive. Artie said he's never had problems with his 'roids while all of these other guys have had that. Howard told him what can cause it and Artie said he's guilty of all of that stuff.
Ronnie said he was in agony the whole time he was down there so he had to go out and buy some Preparation H to get over the pain. Once he was in the car he forgot all about the pain though. Artie reminded everyone about the hemorrhoid contest they had on the show that one time and how awful that was. Howard said they have that on Howard TV.
Howard talked to the guy he had on the phone about the Virginia Tech thing and what else they could do to keep stuff like that from happening again. Howard said that most mental breakdowns occur in young adults who are in their 20s. Howard said he wouldn't mind going through the metal detectors every morning if he was in school. Robin said that doesn't actually make you safe, it's all in your mind. Howard told Robin she was out of her mind after she was talking about how that safety is all in your mind and not everyone can block a door with their foot to keep someone from shooting you.
Howard played some of the Sanjaya song parodies that he had played earlier in the morning. Eric asked if Ralph is going to have his show this week. Howard said he hadn't heard anything about it. Eric said he thinks that Tim is an idiot if he doesn't put Ralph on again to do his show this week. Artie told Eric to keep his PJ pants on and calm down. Eric threw in a ''Yankees suck'' comment so Artie went off on him a little bit.
Tim Sabean came in and told Eric that calling him an idiot was uncalled for. He went on to talk about how the Ralph show was done while Howard was off to pump up the Sanjaya votes. They're not going to do it again. Howard brought up how Tim didn't lose any weight and how Chuck Zito was talking about that on his radio show last night. He played some audio from the show and Chuck said Tim had all kinds of excuses for not working out so that's why he gained 5 pounds. Chuck said when he makes Tim work out, he loses weight. Now he's not working out and he's gaining weight. Chuck said he was making him look bad so he'd better get back on that work out.
Howard said he thought Chuck was just going to punch Tim in the jaw, breaking it, so he wouldn't be able to eat. Tim said that may have been the thing to do because it may have actually worked. Howard went on to play some more clips from Chuck Zito's show where he talked about the Imus thing. Chuck asked who died and left Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson in charge. He talked about what racists and bigots Sharpton and Jackson are. Chuck also said that the girls at Rutgers are saying that they're scarred for life but also said that if ''hos'' is the worst thing they're called in their lives, they're doing pretty good. Chuck thinks that Imus never should have been fired over what he said.
Howard said that Chuck doesn't know Imus the way he does so he's not familiar with all of his racist comments from the past. He played Manson's Imus song parody that he played earlier in the show after all of that Imus talk. Then he got back to the Chuck Zito show and played a clip where Chuck talks about spending time in a Japanese prison. Howard laughed when he talked about that. Chuck talked about how he was on tour with Bon Jovi and some other bands. He said there was a big sweep of some Hell's Angels homes. He said he got thrown in prison over there in Japan because of that and it was awful. He said the worst prisons in the U.S. are like hotels compared to the prisons in Japan. Chuck said that he knows that some guys were talking shit about him over there even though he didn't speak the language.
Howard said four months in a Japanese prison is crazy. Artie said he only spent 3 days in L.A. County jail and it was horrible. Howard continued to play the Chuck Zito clip where he was talking about the prison stay. He said it was not a good thing over there. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. She said they have a story in the news about Gary being featured in Sound and Vision magazine. They have him featured in their magazine and talk about how Gary is a true audio and videophile. They've also given him a new name of ''Gadget Gary'' because of the many gadgets he's got in his house. That led to Fred playing one of the newer Baba Booey song parodies. Howard told everyone to check out that magazine which is on the newsstands today. Lisa said that Gary will be reviewing things for the magazine and there's a special message on the spine of the magazine. Robin said it's actually a reference to his ''Mac-Hine'' screw up.
The guys all started goofing on Gary after Robin read some quotes from the magazine. Fred was doing his impression of Gary and making fun of a comment he made about the size of the TV and how he would have had to have moved the sconces on the wall if he had gotten a bigger one. Howard said Gary has cameras up in his house so he can watch them in his office. He said that's what Gary does all day back there. Howard said he's seen Gary back there staring at the computer and he's so proud of that house.
Howard asked Gary why he's in the magazine and found out he got a discount on some of the work he had done. He said it was Panasonic and TiVo that hooked him up and helped him out. He said all of that got featured in the article. He's got a button he can hit in his house that lights up the trail from his bed room to the garage so he can get out when it's dark in the house. Howard thanked him for that and had Lisa get back to her news preview. He told Gary to follow his lighted trail back to his office.
Lisa said that Yucko the Clown is now engaged so that got a laugh out of Artie. Lisa also said that they'll be talking about Sanjaya today and how he's predicted to make the top 4 on American Idol. That led to Howard introducing this guy Dave Delaturza guy who started VoteForTheWorst.com.
Howard asked Dave if they have anything else on VoteForTheWorst.com right now. He said it's just the Sanjaya thing at this point. Dave is actually doing an appearance on David Letterman's show tonight so this has become very big for him. He said that he just met Jon Hein out there in the office so that was a big deal for him as well. He said that he's supposed to do a pre-interview after this show. He's going to be on with Craig Ferguson and Avril Lavigne. That led to Howard talking about Avril and how cute he thinks she is. He said he even likes her new song.
Howard said that Dave may not even see Avril there at Letterman because they kind of keep people hidden away. Artie jokingly told him it's okay to run up to her and give her a hug if he does see her. Howard asked Dave if he will tell David Letterman that he's gay. Dave said he would if Dave asked him that.
Howard said that when Dave called in the last time he said that if they had kept Sanjaya in for another week he was going to give his boyfriend anal sex. Dave said he did follow through on that and did give him anal. Howard told him that he should tell Letterman that and he thinks that he'd like that. Dave said he'd see how things go before he'll consider bringing that up.
Howard asked Dave more about the anal thing and asked how that all went down. Dave said they were getting to that point in their relationship so it was just a matter of time. Dave said it does hurt the first time you do that. He hadn't done it in a long time so it was a little painful. Artie said he can imagine that the second time is quite a mess as well. Howard told Benjy he should show him his asshole like he did on the show yesterday. Benjy said he has a clean ass and uses a shower head that comes off to clean out his ass so it's clean.
Dave talked about how the web site came about and how he got that rolling a few years ago. He said that they're starting to make some money with the site and they're talking to some sponsors about advertising. They get about 10 million visitors per week now so they're doing pretty good.
Dave said that they haven't heard from Sanjaya yet and he's not sure if they will hear from him while he's on the show. Howard said he thinks he could get Sanjaya to the end of the show. He thinks that the guy could just go up and not even sing and still stay in it. Howard also said that there are a lot of young girls voting for him so it's not just their campaign that's keeping him in it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to see if this guy was going to go on Letterman and really push for Sanjaya. Howard said he'd like him to do that too and not say that he doesn't believe he's going to make it to the end. Dave said he'd do that.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Dave about doing anal and if he does it with a lot of guys. Dave said he really doesn't do it with that many guys. Howard wrapped up with him and told him to go on Letterman and be confident. Dave said he would do that and he won't let them down.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he heard that the producers of American Idol are coming out with a new Veto system that will allow the judges to veto the votes if they don't like a certain performer on the show. Dave said that would be lame and it would probably piss people off enough to make them stop watching. Howard played a Sanjaya song parody that he had played earlier in the morning and then went to break.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he just got satellite radio a couple of months ago and he's very happy he did. He said he never thought it would be as good as it is. Robin said that she still gets people coming up to her and telling her that they miss them.
The caller asked to hear one of Richard Christy's phony phone calls where he's trying to buy a porno collection. Howard played one that wasn't the right one so Richard came in and told him he had the right one for him so he played that instead. In the call Richard calls about a porn collection that a guy is selling and talks to the guy about some of the movies he's selling. Richard and the guy talk about some of the freakier things they've seen in porn movies. Richard was making up all kinds of crazy stuff that the guy on the phone sounded interested in seeing. Howard said he never thought anyone would request that phony phone call.
Robin was eating something so Howard went off on her about that. He didn't like that she was eating while they were doing the show so she said Artie is always eating so she figured it would be fine. Howard got back to the interviews and played one where Garver interviewed this Lois Jewell who played a slave girl in one episode in season two of the original series. They whipped through a bunch of others where Garver would ask the people who they played on the show. They were characters that you would never know. They all said that their episode was a ''classic episode.''
Howard noticed that Artie was breathing heavy again so he pointed that out to him. He got back to the clips and whipped through the actors and actresses that were on those old shows. Howard said he didn't remember one of these people and wondered what they get paid to be at those conventions. He said he'd be pissed off if he went there and saw these people at the convention. Robin said that these are the people that you can never get though. Howard finally recognized one guy who played Commander Pike and another character. Howard said he should go to one of the conventions and pretend to be one of these people.
Gary came in and said that those bit players actually have to pay to get into the conventions and set up. He said that they have to sell about 20 autographs just to break even there. Howard got back to this Commander Pike character and talked about how this guy played the head in the box and not even the original Commander Pike.
Howard played a few more of the quick interviews that Garver did. The interviews were all very short because they were just playing their intros where the actors would explain what episodes they were on. Howard said this is like the people who were in costume in Star Wars who go out and do the same type of thing. They talked about the people who played C-3PO, Darth Vader, Chewbacca and others. They goofed on all of them a little bit. Gary said that the guy who played Darth Vader actually did voice the character until George Lucas decided he didn't like his voice and got James Earl Jones to voice it.
Howard played more clips of Garver's interviews and talked about how much it sucks that these people have to pay $100 to set up at these conventions. One guy sounded really nice and the poor guy had to pay to have people ask him for his autographs. Artie said he can't wait for the day when he's at an Entourage convention telling people which episode he was in.
Richard Christy was talking about going to those conventions and seeing all of those kinds of people. He shared some stories about what he's done. Howard took a call from a guy who said that the guy who plays C-3PO actually played the character and even voiced him. The guy was also asking Artie about when he's going to be on Entourage. Artie said that's coming up at the end of this month. He said he'll remind people about it when they get closer to the air date.
Howard said he's been asked to talk to people on the phone when he goes out and he always feels weird about that. Artie said he gets that all the time.
Captain Janks called in and said he owns all of the Star Trek episodes and knows all of the characters that they were talking to. Janks was talking about all of these characters but Howard hung up on him and said that he had to get out of that conversation.
Howard said that one of the saddest things he's seen was Jeff Conaway on Celebrity Fit Club. He said they had to boot him off of that show. Then recently he was on stage at some awards show on TVLand rambling on and on about nonsense. Howard played some of the audio from a show where they were interviewing Jeff and he was explaining why he seemed to be so out of it. The guys talked about that for a short time.
Howard was wondering about Elephant Boy's gay experiences but he told Howard that he's all man. Artie said that he's wearing a Mets shirt so that shows that he's actually a ''Faeg.'' Elephant boy said he doesn't have any desire to hook up with men anymore. He did try that out when he was younger because he was lonely for company.
Elephant Boy said he doesn't think that any other woman would want to spend time with him. Mary said that he also loves her kids so they get along very well. Elephant Boy was asked why he hasn't gotten married yet. He said there are things that are stopping him from making that move. Mary said that she still lives in Cleveland and Elephant Boy is still living out in the New York area. Elephant Boy said he can't leave his job because it's a government job that's great. Mary also said she can't really work because her arms are screwed up from carpel tunnel syndrome. She said she's working on getting workman's comp for that.
Howard asked the two of them if they're going to have sex. She said they haven't done that in a while because of her back. Howard said they could probably still do it though. Elephant Boy said he'd feel really bad if he hurt her. Howard told him she'd be fine. Howard asked about the phone sex they have but Elephant Boy said he didn't want to do that for them. Mary said they had some of that from back in the day when they were first dating.
Captain Janks called in and said that Elephant Boy was chased down by Mary's father when he was out in Cleveland one time. The father came looking for Fred but he ran out and hid until the rest of the Wack Pack came out to get him.
Howard brought up Elephant Boy shitting his pants when he went to an autograph signing that Gary was at. Mary was completely freaked out by that whole story. She said that drove her nuts. Artie told some of that story and said that Elephant Boy had shit himself on the subway and ended up wiping himself off on a tarp when he got to this appearance he was at. Then he stuck around for the whole day while Gary signed autographs. Howard said it must be tough to blow a guy who has had shit pants like that.
Gary came in and said that he was outside at that car dealer event. He said that it's hard to smell shit like that when you're outside. Gary kept bringing it up with him and one of the interns that was there told him that she thought Elephant Boy had shit himself. Gary said he started to dry heave just thinking about it. At one point Gary went inside the car dealership and asked for soap because there was none in the bathroom. He shook Elephant Boy's hand that day and hadn't realized that he had shit his pants at the time.
Howard said he remembered the story and how Elephant Boy was wearing shorts and the shit had run down his leg. Gary said that's the clue that he got that he had actually shit his pants. It's also what gave him the dry heaves. The guys were all grossed out by that whole story. Artie said that he wouldn't have stayed on the subway if he had shit his pants. He would have jumped from the train.
Howard asked Elephant Boy what he was thinking with that whole visit. Elephant Boy said he just wanted to go say hi to Gary. Gary said that he makes a big deal out of Elephant Boy's visits so maybe he just needed an ego boost that day.
Howard asked Elephant Boy if he tried to clean his asshole that day before he got there. Elephant Boy said he tried to clean up but some of the shit got on him and he wasn't able to clean it all up. He took off his pants in the bathroom and tried to clean up but things were a big mess. Howard went through all of the details trying to figure out what he had done. Elephant Boy said he threw out his underwear but tried to clean up his shorts that were shit stained as well.
Howard asked Elephant Boy and Mary what kind of crazy things they've done. Mary said that they've gone to Scores and a sex club in the city called Paddles. Howard asked them what they're doing at a sex club like that. Mary said that they were just watching.
Howard heard that Mary had grabbed Nick Manning's dick out in the green room. She said Nick said it was okay so she went right ahead and did it. She apparently didn't have any carpel tunnel problems when she did that according to Artie. She said she really does have Carpel Tunnel though. Howard told Elephant Boy and Mary to stick around while Nick Manning sat in.
Nick said things happened really fast for him and it all snowballed into what it's become now. Howard asked him how he was able to get into it and make a living at it while others can't. Nick said he's got a lot of stuff going on in his life like owning the Adam and Eve stores.
Howard said that Nick just recently banged this porn chick Kimberly Kane so he introduced him to JD who had also banged her. JD came in and said that he had just banged her a couple of times. Howard was comparing the two guys physically and goofing on JD a little bit. He asked JD if he ever asks himself how he can compete with this guy. JD said he can't compete so he doesn't think about it.
Howard asked Nick about all of the chicks he's been with like Janine, Kimberly Kane and Jenna Jameson. He asked her which one was the best. Nick said that Janine was very special to him because she had never done a man on film before. He said he makes some really good money in the business now and it's great. He said it's kind of funny that he wakes up in the morning and doesn't look forward to going to work banging chicks. His partner tells him that there are guys who are willing to drive thousands of miles to bang those chicks for free and he's getting paid to do it.
Howard asked Nick if he shaves off his bush. He said he does shave it all down with a Mach 3 razor but he's very careful when he does it. He said he's got a normal porn cock that's about 8 inches long. Elephant Boy got a laugh out of that when he said that was the normal size for a porn star. Nick went on to talk about how much he loves women and how they're the hottest thing God gave us.
Howard explained how they came to know Nick on the show. He said Nick is known for this ''dropping loads'' thing he does when he's finishing on a chick. He played a couple of clips of Nick saying ''dropping loads'' as he's dropping his loads. Howard played one clips where Nick drops a load on Evangelina's glasses and talks about exactly what he's doing. Richard Christy said he loves his movies even though he's not a fan of cock. Howard played another clip where Nick is talking about this chick's ''wet cunt'' and telling her how good it feels. He then tells her that he's going to come in her face and then does his ''dropping loads'' line.
Howard asked Elephant Boy if he was getting turned on. He said something about Mary saying the same things to him or something like that. Nick said that when he goes to a movie set these days he gets cheers from the crew. They're usually very jaded since they see that stuff every day.
Howard gave Nick some plugs for his web sites NickManning.com and PlatinumBlueProductions.com. Richard Christy was also asking him about the ''ropes'' he shoots and if he uses anything special for that. Nick said he does use some stuff but he's been shooting loads like that all his life without taking anything.
Nick told another story about a chick he was banging anally one time and she ended up shitting on him. He said he started dry heaving at the time. He filled Howard in on that and explained what he had to go through with that. Elephant Boy said he will always be known for shitting his own pants even if he lives to the age of 100. Robin said that's right, of course he would.
Nick told Howard that he's got a couple of books coming out that will talk about some of the chicks he's banged. He said there are some that he can't talk about because they're married. Howard took some phone calls after that and one guy asked him what the secret is to lasting a long time. Nick said that when he goes to have sex he knows it's going to last 2 hours. He's kind of programmed to last that long now. He said if it gets to be too long in his personal life, he just won't come, he doesn't care.
Howard said he had Jessica Jaymes on the phone. Nick said that she's his baby and they've dated before. Jessica said that they have great sex off the air all the time. Doug Goodstein came in and asked Elephant Boy and Mary if they would ride the Sybian together. They also had a squirt gun filled with mayonnaise if maybe Nick wanted to drop some loads on people. No one was interested in that stuff though.
Howard played another scene where Nick is dropping his loads on a woman. Nick wasn't sure who the chick was in that one. Robin asked Nick how long he can do this in the business. Nick said he's still going strong at 39 years old. Artie told him that he's 39 too and laughed as he was saying that. He looks nothing like this guy.
Gary said that Nick was actually on the show one other time when he called in and asked Tabitha Stevens to marry him. Nick said that Tabitha was kind of jealous about him banging Jenna Jameson so things didn't work out. They're still pretty close though.
Howard took a call from the guy who calls him Pinnochio. He asked Howard what was longer, his nose or Nick's penis. Howard let him go and then asked Nick to say something to Robin for them. Nick gave her a dropping loads line for her and said he'd love to have some fun with her. Howard spent a little more time talking to Nick before wrapping up with him, Elephant Boy and Mary. Elephant Boy said he'll be dropping some loads on Mary later today. Nick said that they should all be dropping loads on Mary. Nick wondered if Elephant Boy got his name from being well hung. Elephant Boy said he is okay down there. He did porn movie one time so he explained that to Howard who remembered that he was dressed up in heels and stuff when he was with this dominatrix. Howard wrapped up, gave Nick some plugs and went to break.
Howard said that he went over to France with his agent when they were promoting the movie one time. He said that his agent told him he was going to take care of ordering because they hate it when you order in English. Don then proceeded to order by doing a French accent instead of speaking French. The guys thought that was kind of funny. Howard quickly got back to the Jennifer Lopez audio clips and goofed on her a little more about laughing at herself.
Howard mentioned that Cylaris weight loss is sponsoring the Battle of the Blobs contest. He talked about how Benjy is taking it and has lost 40 pounds so far. Benjy still thinks that he's going to win the whole contest thanks to that stuff.
Howard played a little bit of an Imus song parody to the tune of Jitterbug. Robin was surprised they didn't throw in ''Jigaboo'' in that parody. Howard replayed the Manson (from Bubba's show) song parody that he had already played two times this morning. Howard talked about what a jackass Imus is and told him to rot in hell.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview and said they'll be talking about Nick Manning's visit and his dropping loads line to Robin. They'll also be talking about Elephant Boy's visit and that led to Howard talking about how they're thinking of animating the shit story for Howard TV. He ran through some other Howard TV shows that are in development at this time as well. Jon finished up his show preview and Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Robin read a story about Sanjaya getting booed at a baseball game he was making an appearance at. That led to them talking about Sanjaya and how bad they feel for him getting booed. Artie still hasn't joined in on the voting at this point. He said he might be on Beth's side in all of that because the kid is already getting booed at games.
Howard took a call from a guy who found an old rap song where Jackie the Joke Man's laugh was sampled. He had to boot up his computer to play the song for Howard and once they heard it, they weren't so thrilled that they had to wait as long as they did to hear the song.
Robin ran through a few more news stories and Howard ended the show at around 10:40am.
Howard started off the show talking about how he voted for Sanjaya last night. He was feeling kind of run down so he almost didn't vote. Then he thought that he had to so he did call in. He only got through about 15 times in 15 minutes though because it was tough to get through. Robin said she waits about a half hour before calling and managed to get through only about 5 times in 5 minutes.
Howard said he thinks that he'll win and he loves that Simon Cowell won't mention his name when he's getting upset that he's still in it. Howard played Sanjaya's awful performance from last night where he was singing ''Something to Talk About.'' Artie laughed as soon as he heard him singing. Robin said that their boy is off his game in that clip.
Howard said Simon Cowell sounded very upset and told Sanjaya that it was an ''utterly horrendous'' performance. Ryan Seacrest asked him if it was really the performance or his dislike for Sanjaya. Simon then said that they're supposed to be finding an American Idol and that song was an awful performance. He said he liked Sanjaya last week so he's just talking about this one song.
Howard said that one of the contestants on the show wanted to make a comment about the shootings in Virginia. They went to the camera shot of Simon and he was rolling his eyes at the time. He said he got a lot of e-mail from some fans who were upset by that but they also pointed out that the producers must have said something to him because they had him saying some nice words about it by the end of the show. Howard played an audio clip of Simon talking about the shootings. He said just a little something that wasn't even that great of a comment, it was just something to smooth over his eye roll.
Howard read some articles about the kid and continued to talk about the professor's warnings about the shooter. They were afraid to say anything negative to the kid in class because of how unstable he seemed. Howard said the guy would sit in the back of class and just write weird stuff in his papers. Howard said Fred might be kind of like that with his bag of stuff.
Fred said he read some of that guy's papers on AOL yesterday and it just proved that he was a shitty writer. Howard read through some more articles about Cho Seung-Hui where other students talked about how odd the guy was. Cho apparently stalked women at the school and would tell his room mates about going to see some of the girls to look them in the eye. He went to look at one in the eye and saw promiscuity when he looked into her eyes.
Howard read that the guy had a pretend supermodel girlfriend and other girls would shy away from him. His roommates told stories about how strange he was and some of the odd things he'd do. Howard said he had a roommate who he found jumping on the bed going ''Wheeee'' while wearing women's panties. He said he didn't want to stay in the room with that guy.
Artie said he did a gig one time and this guy he was roomed up with would bathe his feet in hot tea. He said the guy put his feet right into it after taking off his socks so there was still lint on his feet. He said that was pretty odd.
Howard read more about this guy and was calling him Hong Kong Fooey since he didn't want to bother with the real name. The kid was known was ''?'' in school when he renamed himself. He would also tell the other students that he had this model girlfriend who was apparently made up. Howard said that the first girl was studying to be a veterinarian. He said that she was a very pretty girl. He said that the first guy he shot was a T.A. at the school. That led to Howard and Robin talking about the R.A.s they dealt with at their schools. Artie said that he knew a guy who had an R.A. who was a drug dealer. Howard said his R.A. knew what to do when people took too much acid because he had that experience.
Howard got back to the Hong Kong Fooey stories and read more comments from the teachers and students. One student said they were just waiting for Cho to snap, it was like they knew he was going to do it some day. Howard said that kid really went off the deep end and you don't expect that from an Asian guy.
Artie said he was watching ''Flight 93'' last night and the movie just really pissed him off. He wasn't able to sleep because of it. Howard said he's never seen it and he has no desire to watch it. Howard got back to the articles and read more about the plays that this kid would write. Howard said they might have to produce one of his plays, maybe ''Mr. Brownstone'' starring Eric the Midget. Mr. Brownstone is one of Cho's plays that they were reading about.
Fred suggested that they do ''Richard McBeef'' because Mr. Brownstone is no good. Fred said that Richard McBeef has a story. He told the guys what he knew about the play since he had just read it yesterday. Howard said they can't forget the victims either. He was reading about the students and it was really sad to read about them. He talked about one girl who was doing international studies and was a violinist. Robin said it seems like these people who have nothing to contribute to society are always taking out people who have a lot to contribute.
Howard said he saw one expert saying that they have to instruct kids to charge the guy because they're probably going to die anyway. Robin said that's like the people in 9/11 because they thought if they cooperated, maybe they'd land and they'd get out of there. You never know what's going to happen.
Howard read about another student, Matt Laporte, who was into the military and did very well in school before going to VA Tech. The guy was a cellist and in the school marching band and now he's dead. Robin told Artie about one story from Russia where a bunch of students were held hostage for days and no one knew what to think at the time.
Artie said that Nick Manning was a kind of odd guy and he wasn't quite sure what it was about him that creeped him out. Robin said there was something about him and she knew what Artie was talking about. Howard said that male models are kind of creepy.
Howard played one Nick Manning clip where he was talking about dropping loads on Artie's pancakes. Gary said that he has a swagger and an arrogance to him. He said the guy talks in the third person about himself and that was kind of weird. They threw in some more clips about dropping loads on Gary's teeth and on Eric the Midget's wheelchair and stuff like that as well.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he went out to see Robin race over the weekend. Howard started to wonder how these people have time to go to stuff like that. Artie said he loves how Howard is upset that people have time on their hands. The caller was from Arizona so he asked Artie when he's coming out there again. Artie said there's a great comedy club out there in Phoenix and the chicks there are smokin' hot. That led to the guys talking about how the chicks out there are all walking and hiking in the nice warm weather.
Howard said Beth was out on the town going to a movie premiere. He said she was wearing a dress where she was showing off her titties. She went to the movie with Ross Zapin's wife Melissa and both of them had their tits on display. Howard said maybe he should walk around with a hold cut out where his cock is. He said that might get him arrested but he was trying to make a point. He wondered why guys don't show off their sacks for women. He said Sal does that Captain Sack thing and maybe more guys should do that. Artie told him to take a look at the Captain Sack thing again and he'll see why they shouldn't do it.
Artie said he watched David Letterman last night and saw that Dave guy from VoteForTheWorst.com doing his thing. He said Letterman seemed pretty entertained by the whole thing. Howard complained about the guys putting up the Nick Manning clips for him to play because he didn't like that they called them all ''Nick Manning Dropping Loads...'' He wanted them all to list the name of the person they were about for today's show. They can rename them later on if they want to make them easy to find in the system like Gary was trying to tell him. That led to Howard playing one of the new Baba Booey song parodies... Twice.
Howard said that Gary once had a picture of his whole family on the cover of a magazine one time. Gary said that was while they were doing promotion for ''Private Parts.'' Artie said the picture is kind of dorky and he might have put that one away if he were Gary. Howard said when you go into his office it's like a whole wall of ''Gary.'' Artie said Gary looks like a guy working for the Connecticut family that's in the rest of the picture.
Sal went into Gary's office and started goofing on him. Gary then told Howard that he's got a picture of himself and Beth that's about 90 inches tall in his own office. Howard just laughed and continued to goof on Gary about his pictures. Gary said Howard has a whole wall of himself so he doesn't understand why he's goofing on him. Howard said it's just funnier with him.
Howard said Gary has cameras set up in his house so he can spy on everything going on there. Gary said he was actually looking at it as they spoke. Robin started quoting Gary from the article and that led to the guys goofing on him even more. Gary stayed in his office and tried to defend himself over his office microphone. Fred was doing an impression of Gary and goofing on him. Howard was making fun of Gary using a special framing guy when he gets his stuff framed.
Artie said that his mother actually framed a TV Guide crossword puzzle because he was one of the answers in it. He wanted to trash it because he was so embarrassed by it. Robin read some more stuff about Gary in the article and goofed on him about being a Steely Dan fan. Gary said he was going to come into the studio to defend himself. He explained why he was talking about Steely Dan and Bruce Springsteen in the article. Artie was goofing on Gary about the albums he picked because he picked one of the worst Springsteen albums.
Gary mentioned that he has an iPod and listens to it in his car sometimes and then realized that the people there at SIRIUS hate when they say that. Artie said he knows that to be a fact because he's heard shit about it when he mentions his iPod. Howard said that's kind of putting your head in the sand. It's not like people won't know that the iPod exists if they don't mention it there.
Howard said they actually gave him an iPod there so he could listen to shit when he's not there. He laughed as he was telling that story. Robin got them back on Gary when she read some more of Gary's quotes. She was doing her impression of Gary as she was quoting him. Howard was going to try and wrap up the discussion but Robin said there was more. She said they had him give his favorite 5 DVDs so Gary mentioned a few and that led to Gary talking about how he demonstrates his surround sound when people come over.
Artie asked Gary to play the first 20 minutes of ''Saving Private Ryan'' for him when he comes over to see the new house. Gary said that yesterday they were talking on the Wrap Up Show about how all of the guys crowd around Will throwing him lines to pass to Howard while he's in the studio. Howard said he hadn't gotten any lines yet. Robin continued to read the article where Gary talked about the DVDs. Howard said it would take him like 25 years to figure out all of that stuff.
Sal came into the studio dressed as Gary in Sound and Vision magazine. Gary said he couldn't even beat him up over that today. Sal said that he heard that Gary is having a party that he's not invited to. Gary said he's having a small dinner party and it's not that many people. Sal said that he knows the ''fab five'' are going to be there and Jon Hein was invited but can't make it. Gary said he's going to have another party later on and those guys will be invited to that.
Howard said that Benjy did something very funny yesterday. He was walking down the street and there was an CNBC camera crew doing something and Benjy jumped on camera and started yelling stuff about Sanjaya. He said he's only got the audio to play but the video was very entertaining. He played the audio where Benjy grabbed the mic while a woman was doing a report from the street. Benjy was yelling about voting for Sanjaya and when they started to pull him away, he said that he was an American and he was going to vote Sanjaya if he wanted. They cut away from the video and went to another reporter.
Howard got back to Sal and talked to him about the way things are going with his marriage. Sal said she went out last night with her friends to a club that they like to hang out at. He said he hasn't had any sex since he broke his arm and now he's dreaming of having sex with her. He said he usually has dreams about banging his sister and things like that and that's what he told her. The guys all laughed at that and told him he insane. Sal said that his wife's sister is hot too. Robin was laughing hysterically as Sal was trying not to get into that too far. He didn't want to give the details of those dreams.
Sal said Christine's wife has red hair and one time Christine came home with red hair after getting it dyed and he wanted to bang her right away. Sal said that he thinks that all guys have dreams like that and he's only human. He can't help who he dreams about. He said even his mother-in-law has been in his dreams.
Howard said the Howard TV guys had the video of Benjy on CNBC so they played that for everyone there in the studio. The guys got a few laughs out of that.
Howard took some calls from some people who were talking about the Sanjaya voting. The Sim called in and told Howard they were voting like mad on some web site (RockysRubberRoom.com). He also brought up the shootings at VA Tech and how one of the guys who died was a holocaust survivor. The guys talked about that and Artie pointed out that it would have been nice if he had been able to pronounce ''holocaust'' the right way.
Sal told the guys that one time Tawny Kitaen said ''Auschwitz'' the wrong way on some reality show she was on. JD came in about a minute later and told Howard he had it up on his computer already. Howard said JD works fast. He payed the clip quickly and then moved on to other things.
Howard played a voice mail from Richard's father where he was telling him that they had found some asparagus growing wild so they had some good food to eat. Howard said he loves that he's excited about finding something that he could buy in the store around the corner. Howard said he had to go to break a short time later but Richard came in and said that Artie left him a message so Howard might want to play that. In the clip Artie was doing an impression of Richard's dad and it was a pretty good impression. Artie said he's been working on it because he thinks the guy is the most relaxed guy around. Artie's impression was great and he was joking around about the snapping turtles they had, Snappy and Crappy. Robin thought it was a great call but they all said that Richard's father wouldn't curse in his calls. Artie said he was a little drunk at the time so he called back and left another message trying not to curse. Howard was going to play that one but he had to take a break first.
Howard played the other voice mail that Artie left as Richard's dad. He sounds a lot like Richard's dad in the voice mail. He was giving Richard advice on how to care for his teeth by not using toothpaste. He suggested some water or Windex instead of toothpaste because toothpaste causes scurvy. Howard played Mr. Christy's voice mail and Artie said he could have done that impression for 24 hours straight that day he was leaving the messages.
Howard mentioned that they have this porn star Jennifer Steel coming in and she's got a ''pussy Hookah'' that they're going to let someone smoke out of. They can't have weed in there but they'll use some tobacco to let someone smoke up out of that pussy hookah.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Howard thinks Imus will get a book deal out of all of this controversy. Howard said that Imus is not an original and he can't imagine he'd have anything to write about. He talked about what Imus was up to when he got to WNBC and how he tried to do everything he did but failed at it. He said Imus has imitated everything he's ever done in his career but if he put out a book it would be just as shitty as the rest of the stuff he's done.
The caller also brought up Imus' wife Deirdre (or De-air-a-der) and cracked a joke about her that kind of flopped. Howard let the guy go after that. He went on to talk about JD and how funny he is on the Wrap Up Show when he's on. He had a clip from the show where JD was attempting to talk about his relationship with Kimberly Kane but stumbled over his words and gave up on trying to explain it.
Howard said if he didn't have a girlfriend he'd probably ask this porn star chick to give him a hand job. He said he's all pent up and bothered. He said he'd love to get a hand job so he could just get on with the show. He said he would let someone do that under his desk so no one would see it going on.
Jessica said that the new implants are the most beautiful that she's ever seen. She said they came out great and she used this guy Dr. Hoffman who does a lot of Playmate implants. She said they're so soft and fluffy and so pretty. She said they're very feminine. Artie said that's how he likes them, feminine.
Howard told Artie he should have taken Jessica up on her offer to give him a hand job. Howard said he never did but he did think about it although he did think that she might be a little crazy. Jessica said that she loves to do stuff for guys and when she does it, she does it the best she can.
Artie said that he thought for sure that Howard had banged Jessica and was bullshitting everyone about never cheating. Both Howard and Jessica said that wasn't true. They never did anything. Artie wondered if anyone else on the show had done anything with her. Howard said that Jessica had told him how she could jerk him off with her feet so she demonstrated on Ralph one time. He said she was doing it over his pants and it was unbelievable. Ralph was moaning while that was going on. There were actually a couple of people in the car at the time.
Fred said that if he had been single he would have jumped into that. Jessica said she was really into Fred too and she would have loved to have had him. Howard let Jessica go a short time later. She said she has a list of people they could roast but they didn't have to do it today. Artie asked if they have another roast set up yet. Howard said they're going to be roasting Andy Dick next. Artie thought that was great, he can't wait for that.
Howard said they have a new theme song for Robin's news so he played that. It was about Robin's boobs of course. Howard thought it was very well produced too. He asked Robin if she could get a guy off with her feet. Robin said she never got her technique down for that.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. She said they'll be talking about Sanjaya and how he's in last place according to Dial Idol. They track the calls and let people know how well they're doing. Howard said she's got to be kidding. He took a call from a guy who said he got through 418 times last night. He said he called for 2 hours and got in all of those votes.
Lisa also said that Shuli has found out that Bob Levy is jealous of Sal for getting so much attention after falling off the stage and breaking his arm. They'll talk about that and about how some of the interns there are breaking up with people now that they have jobs there at the show. Artie said that one of the hot interns came up and asked him if he would offer up a date with him as a prize in the intern beauty pageant. Artie said she was smokin hot too. Artie said he's not sure he could ever see a chick who is that young. He said he got creeped out by that Shannon James chick when he heard her moving into her dorm room when he called her last summer.
Howard had Jenny the Intern come in to talk about this date offer she was asking Artie about. Howard said that Artie does come with some baggage and he might not be the best person to date. Jenny said that she thinks Artie is very sweet. Howard said he's pretty sure he was talking about liking her and not really wanting to go out with just any intern.
Jenny said that she hasn't been thinking about Artie in that way. Gary said that he heard that Jenny likes hooking up with dudes and it doesn't take a lot to make that happen. He heard that she talks about that on the Intern Show. She said that's not exactly what she says though. Howard said that Artie could misinterpret that offer as her being interested in him. She said she thinks that the date would be fun because he's a nice guy. She said that she was thinking of it as more of a friendly thing.
Jenny said she likes Artie's personality which didn't help things. Artie said that was like this stripper he had who once told him he had a nice voice. Howard said he had a chick tell him that he had nice hands. Artie said that Jenny is a very nice girl and he's going to try not to misinterpret what she's saying.
Artie told Howard that he's bringing a date to Gary's house when they have that dinner. He said that they'll all get to meet this chick he's been seeing. He said this is the one with the real crazy Philly accent, the one who went to the Allman Brothers concert with him. Gary said he can't wait to meet her because it's only his third date with her.
Robin said that Artie is still playing the field and not settling down. Howard said he's doing great even at 294 pounds. Howard said that's why there's no incentive for him to lose weight. He's still getting chicks and he's fat. Howard let Lisa G go after that and said he was going to take a break. The guys talked about how Artie used to avoid bringing chicks around them but now he's going to bring this woman he's barely seeing. Artie said that he's trying to figure out if this chick really likes him. He said she's a lot of fun and he's going to ask her not to bring up the fact that she sells heroin. He said that was just a joke of course. Howard told Artie he should bang this chick at Gary's house. Artie said that he hasn't slept with this chick yet so that's another weird thing.
Howard talked about this Bong Hit Eric guy who is there to smoke out of this pussy hookah they have coming up. He said Eric is one of those guys who looks nothing like what he expected him to. He said it was really weird the first time he saw him. He went to break after that.
Howard said they have these two girls there, Jennifer Steele and Miss High Times, but he's not sure why they're there together. One of the girls, Miss High Times, had dreadlocks. Howard said he didn't even know that High Times was still around. He asked if they still feature coke in there or if that's politically incorrect. She said that they just have pot in there now. She's only 21 years old and she told the guys how she got picked as Miss July last year and that's what led to her getting his Miss High Times thing. She said she was still a little high this morning. She said she smokes when she gets up in the morning and then smokes before she goes to work. She works as a waitress.
Miss High Times said that her family backs her in all of this and she used to smoke weed with her father. She said he was an old hippie so he was fine with it. She said she didn't start smoking with him until she was about 16 or 17 but she started smoking before that. Howard asked Miss High Times if she's ever done stuff with other chicks. She said she has a past but she didn't want to get into too many details. She said she started dating them around 15 or so. She said they were usually friends that she knew. Howard kept digging and tried to get details from her but she didn't want to talk about it. She said she has no problem talking about smoking weed but the lesbian thing is different.
Howard asked Miss High Times about what she wins for being Miss High Times. She said that she won a new bong. Howard asked her how much she smoked this morning. She said she smoked a joint herself this morning. She kept using the ''wake and bake'' term over and over again. Howard said the guys were saying that she smells like weed today and she must smoke a ton.
Miss High Times said that it's not just about smoking weed, it's all about the right to smoke and standing up for that. Howard asked her how much weed costs these days. She said that it's about 50 bucks for an 1/8th. Howard said that's a lot compared to what he paid when he was younger. Howard had some fun talking to her about the weed and the different names she was using for them. She was also saying that she's tried mushrooms and stuff like that but never heroin. Artie said he heard that they have some good heroin over in Amsterdam but Miss High Times said she wouldn't know.
Howard said that Miss high Times name is actually Sarah. He mentioned that and then moved on to Jennifer Steele. She said the last time she was on the show she did the Butt Bong thing and she was contacted by the High Times people and they asked her to do this thing she's doing today. She said she's going to call it the 'Gina Hookah instead of a pussy hookah. She said she was going to put this thing into her pussy and someone will smoke out of it. Bong Hit Eric is the man for the job. Jennifer said the hookah is shaped kind of like a penis so that will go inside of her. The bubbles from the water will act like a bit of a vibrator. She doesn't think she'll get off from that though.
Jennifer said that she would blow Artie right there if he wanted. Artie sounded like he liked the offer. Howard had Bong Hit Eric and Bong Hit Bill both come in after that. He hadn't mentioned that Bill was going to be there. He talked to Eric about the first time they met a few weeks ago. Eric said that he liked being anonymous but now that he's been exposed, he's fine. Howard heard that Bill was upset with Eric about the Bong Hit name. Eric said that Howard was the one who named him so he had no problem with it at all.
Howard said there was another guy there who he didn't know. It was this guy Bobby from High Times magazine. He said that they have Sarah in a bikini in the magazine. Howard asked her if she wanted to get into a swim suit for them. She didn't want to do it though.
Howard talked to Bobby about working for High Times. He said he's been there about 12 years and they have about 150,000 people reading the magazine. He also has a job there at SIRIUS so he quickly mentioned that. He said that he doesn't do the wake and bake thing that Sarah does. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and moved on to Jennifer who was going to do this smoking the puss thing.
Howard gave Jennifer some plugs for her web sites JenniferSteele.com and OwnAStripClub.com. Jennifer then stripped down, laid down and lubed up the hookah with her mouth and shoved it in. The guys then got to take some hits off the hookah which was, of course, filled with tobacco instead of weed.
Bong Hit Eric took a hit and said it was some great tobacco. Sarah took a hit and said she had some tobacco that smells like weed but Howard told them to stick to what they had. He said Shuli wanted to come in and take a hit too so he let him come in. Shuli went over and took a hit. Jennifer joked that this is what her family does on Saturday night. Everyone was hitting the hookah at the same time. Howard said he was going to wrap this up because it was probably good on TV but not radio. Jennifer said they were celebrating 4/20 which is the pot smoker's holiday.
Howard gave everyone their plugs and said he wants to do a whole barbecue in Jennifer's ass next time. Bong Hit Eric said that he's got a web site now and that's at BongHitEric.net. He said you can hang out and chat with him or buy merchandise and stuff like that. Howard wrapped up after that and went to break.
Howard said that Paul Mooney was late getting there so they had to kill some time waiting for him. Robin told him not to say anything because he was probably going to bring up the CPT thing. Howard said he was going to keep his mouth shut.
Howard said he read an article that was written about how awful terrestrial radio has gotten. The woman, Valerie Block, was a little complimentary to him but not too over the top. He said he likes her style and thinks that the Daily News should hire her as a radio columnist.
Howard said there are a lot of people coming out and saying that Imus shouldn't have been fired. John Kerry is one of those people. Artie said that Bill Maher has been saying that all along. Robin said he has but he doesn't have any power so that's why Imus did end up getting fired.
Howard said that Miss High times chick was really cute. Robin said she went out to see her in the green room and everyone out there smelled like pot. Howard said the dreadlocks are a turn off to him. Robin has them so she thanked him for that. Howard said they look good on her. He said he likes a big afro on a black woman. He said Sarah was cute with or without those dreads. He wondered if she's got those dreads down below too. Artie said he hopes not.
Howard said they have this new contest coming up where they're trying to find the hottest chick who can fart the loudest. They came up with that in a creative meeting not too long ago. All of the rules and information are on HowardStern.com and the prize money is courtesy of Clips4Sale.com.
Howard played a prank call that Sal made to a hair place telling them that he was sending his wife down there to get her pussy hair braided. The women on the phone had no idea what he was talking about so Richard got on as his wife and explained it to them.
Howard also had some e-mail to read through. He said he doesn't know where Paul is and someone has to tell him that he's got to get out of there at some time. That led to the guys talking about New Jersey Governor Corzine who was involved in a car crash recently. He was reportedly going 90 miles per hour when he crashed and wasn't wearing his seat belt at the time. The guys spent a minute on that and then Paul showed up.
Howard asked Paul if he's still avoiding using the N-word in his act. Paul said he is but he has slipped a couple of times. Paul said that there are now two N-words and the new one is ''nappy.'' That led to them talking about Imus' firing and Paul suggested that Imus should have been lynched for that. He said white folks hate when other white folks are fired. He said he thinks that Imus has Alzheimer's and might not even know what he's saying on the air anymore.
Howard said he worked with Imus in the 80s and he explained to Paul that Imus called a woman the N-word to her face regularly. Howard said he went on the air and talked about that back then and no one did anything about it. He said Imus was on Larry King's show about a year ago admitting to that but nothing was done. It took this long before someone did something about it. He said no one got on the bandwagon when he was talking about Imus calling people the N-word back when he was on WNBC. They all come out of the woodwork now that he's been fired.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about Imus' firing and how he wasn't getting any ratings and wasn't making the company all that much money. Paul said that this man is sick. He said that he should be forced to work for Naomi Campbell for six months so she can beat him with her cell phone. He said the serious thing about it is that we are at war and there are some ''nappy heads'' fighting for this country. He said it's just not right. <>Howard took the race thing out of the Imus comment and said that Imus had no right calling them 'hos' either. He told Paul about this bit that Imus did with one of his guys about a year ago where they called Beth, his girlfriend, a ho and said she had herpes and stuff like that. He said if he sees Imus or Bernard face to face, he will kick their ass or go down trying. He said she had nothing to do with their show and they had no right talking about her like that. He said that he never said anything like that about Imus' wife.
Howard took a call from Al Rosenberg who used to work with Imus. Al said he worked for Imus for 10 years and he knows that using those racial slurs was a regular part of his life. He said that everyone at NBC would just say he was kidding and ignore it. He said Imus was more racist in his personal life than he was on the air. Howard thanked Al for the call and asked Imus (Fred) some questions so Fred did his impression for a short time and goofed on the guy a little bit.
Howard said the funny thing was when Al Sharpton came out against Imus when he's really a racist himself. He also threw Jesse Jackson's name in there because of the ''Heimitown'' comment he had made. They talked about that for a short time before Howard moved on to ask Paul about his career.
Paul was telling Howard that he's got a show called Judge Mooney that's on BET. He said Comedy Central was going to do take the show but they hate Dave Chappelle and Dave is the producer of the show. He and Howard talked about Dave Chappelle a little bit and talked about how Dave just did a 5 hour show in San Francisco the other night. Paul said he once did a 4 hour show himself but now Dave has beaten him with that 5 hour show.
Howard asked Paul about the VA Tech shootings and Paul said that it's the white pussy that drove him to it. He said that OJ must have told him about it. He said that it's horrible what happened and he feels bad for the parents of all of the kids who were lost. He was saying that the white pussy really can drive you nuts. He said he heard that there might be a backlash after all of this. Robin said she had an Asian guy get into the elevator with her the other day and she got kind of scared. She said she never had to be afraid of Asians before.
Howard asked Paul about how he's been slipping with the N-word in his act lately and wondered if he's going to take the ban off of himself. Paul said he's not going to do that, he still doesn't want to use it. Howard asked Imus (Fred again) if he's going to stop using that word. 'Imus' said he's going to keep using that word and even terms like Porch Monkey and others. Paul said there are some terms that he's heard like ''Nig Nogging'' which apparently has to do with going to black clubs or something. That led to Howard talking about how he's been there and done that when he was younger.
Paul said that when people compare blacks to monkeys, it doesn't make much sense because they actually look more like white people than black. They have the thin lips and the straight hair. Robin said that an old Orangutan looks kind of like Imus looks so he's right about that.
Howard asked Paul if people assume that he's for Barack Obama because black. Paul said he does get that but he's actually for the white lady, Hillary Clinton. He said it's not sexual, it's just reality. 'Imus' said he thinks he's for her because she's got a big fat ass. Paul said that he thinks that she can win if she runs. He thinks that she was actually running the country back when her husband was President.
Howard asked Paul if he thinks that Barack Obama could win. Paul said he can't and it's because he's too thin. He said it would be great if he was the Vice President because that would pretty much guarantee that the President wouldn't be assassinated. Howard said he'd like to see Rudy Giuliani win but Paul told him that will never happen. He said he's pretty sure that Jimmy Hoffa is buried in that guy's back yard. He said that anyone who runs New York City has to be a little shady.
Paul told Howard he was in a cab the other day and this white undercover cop pulled them over. The cop told the black cab driver that they pulled them over because he was eating a cookie. Then they put the light on Paul and asked him where he was going. Paul said he told them that it was none of their business. The cop agreed that he didn't have to tell him but he was curious. Paul said he told the cop that he was actually on his way to his house after setting him up by saying that he'd get in trouble if he did tell him where he was going.
Howard said he saw a black woman hail a cab and get the first one that came by. Robin told him that it's not black women who have a problem getting a cab, it's the black guys. That led to Howard talking about how he used to get beaten up by black kids when he was growing up. He said the black chicks would beat him up and call him ''Sterns'' even though his name is Stern.
Howard said he did have a crush on this one black chick when he was living in Roosevelt. He said she had a huge afro and her name was Judy. He said he told her that he liked her but she told him he must be crazy. Howard asked Paul if he has a problem with singer Seal dating a white model, Heidi Kluum. Paul didn't know much about that but he said that he has a problem with Madonna adopting all of these black kids. He said that they look terrified like they're looking for their real parents.
Howard talked to Paul about how his grandmother used to whip his ass with a switch when he was bad. He said she helped raise him but his mother was around. He talked about the Zodiac killer who was going around killing people back when he was a kid. He said he remembers the cops asking the guy how he got into the homes where he killed all of these people. The guy said he talked his way in. He can remember that and how he was afraid to open the door even for his own mother because his grandmother told him not to open the door for anyone. He said she used to beat his ass with a switch that he had to go outside and find.
Howard asked Paul if his grandmother would ever accidentally hit him in the balls with that switch. Paul said she wouldn't do that but she would beat Howard if he was around. Howard gave Paul some plugs for some shows he's doing at Caroline's on Broadway. Paul said Letterman actually came into the club to see the show at Caroline's and he asked him to come on his show after that. He said Dave seemed to enjoy the show. He said he talked about everything and everybody when he was on Letterman.
Paul got in a plug for his DVD ''Paul Mooney: Know Your History - Jesus Was Black, So Is Cleopatra.'' Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and went to break.
Howard and Robin talked to the caller for a short time and went through over all of that stuff with the guy. The caller said that they had their chance to take the guy down but they blew it. Howard said you don't know exactly what was going on though and it's easy to second guess sitting in your living room. The caller said he would have done anything possible to stop the guy. Howard said the people who did try to stop the guy thought that it wasn't even real because it was so shocking.
JD came in and brought up some of the stuff that he saw on the news about the VA Tech thing. Howard said that if he had been there he thinks he would have charged the guy just to try and get chicks. He probably would have gotten shot though.
Bobo called in and said that they should do a show showing Artie eating and maybe a day in the life of Artie. Howard said that they're actually working on a show about him already. Greg Karmell came in and said that they're working on it but Mike Gange came in and said that they don't have an iso cam on him at this point. Mike also said that they have video of Artie eating a cupcake in the middle of the Paul Mooney interview. Artie said he left the studio to go pee and when he came back he grabbed a cupcake.
Bobo was also asking about what was up with Artie smoking in the middle of the Richard Simmons thing. Howard said he was doing that to show how unhealthy he was, that's what he was going for there.
Jon Hein was giving his Wrap Up show rundown when Howard asked him why he's not going to Gary's house for the dinner party. Jon thought it was a couples party and his wife wasn't going to be able to make it so he passed on it. Howard told him he could have come though, they wouldn't have had a problem with that. Jon got back to his Wrap Up Show preview and talked about some of the stuff that went on during today's show that they'll be talking about today. Jon mentioned the Paul Mooney interview and many of the other segments that they'll be talking about today.
Steve the Intern gave a quick rundown of what they have coming up on The Inter Show tonight at 7 on Howard 101. Steve had a few things that they'll be discussing and Artie said that he may call in tonight if the girls would find that exciting. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Howard said that Howard TV has some video of Artie eating a cupcake and getting food all over the place. It was apparently going on during the Paul Mooney interview. Artie said he tried not to get any crumbs on the floor but he wasn't able to do it. Ronnie mentioned something about KC during that clip so that led to Howard talking about how KC isn't looking that good these days. He saw a picture of him and he doesn't look like the guy they knew when he was working there. Shuli came in and talked about how funny it was when Artie was eating the cupcake. He spent a few seconds on that before Howard had Robin get back to her news.
During the news Howard said he had some audio of Robin from her race car and she was making some odd noises during the race. He played some of it and you can hear the cars revving up and Robin saying ''Whoa'' and ''Oh fuck'' among other things. She also laughed and made some other grunts during the short clips Howard played.
Howard noticed that Artie was dozing off again late in the show. He asked him what happened to his alarm that they had given him earlier in the morning. Artie said it actually fell off so it didn't wake him up. He put it back on and the alarm kept going off over and over again while Robin was reading her news.
Robin read through a bunch more of her news stories and Howard ended the show around 10:45am
Please Support MarksFriggin.com using Patreon
Howard started off the show talking about how warm it was in the studio this morning. He said he's usually cold in there but not today. He moved on to talk about what happened on American Idol last night and how he thinks that it's a conspiracy that Sanjaya was voted off. He said the week before he wasn't even in the bottom 3 and all of a sudden he loses. He said he thinks that Simon knew before the show started that he was leaving.
Howard said that in the small print on American Idol there is a footnote that says they can remove any power dialing votes and he thinks that's what they did to get rid of Sanjaya. He said Simon Cowell was smiling during the bottom three and he thinks he knew about it ahead of time and all of the votes that Howard's fans made were dismissed. He said that show is supporting the whole FOX network at this time. He called for a full investigation to be dome by the Howard 100 News department. He wants Steve Langford or Lisa G to get on that right away and find out what really happened.
Howard said he really wants to know who counted those votes. He took a call from a guy who said that he still thinks they won even though Sanjaya is off now. Howard said he read that disclaimer and he believes that the producers can go in and eliminate votes randomly. Robin told him that Lisa G had mentioned that the Dial Idol people were saying that he was in the bottom. Howard dismissed that as being not so accurate.
Howard tried to take a call from Eric the Midget but he was having phone problems. The phone system was screwed up so Gary said he might have to reset the whole system. Howard tried to fix it but wasn't able to get rid of the caller he had on the line. Gary said he'd have the system reset. That meant that they were going to lose all of the good callers Howard had on the line.
Howard said that Sanjaya sang after he was voted off. He played the audio of that and said he really was bad and it would have been great if he had stayed on until the end. Howard said there is now no one there to vote for. Robin said it's not fun anymore.
In the old interview with Billy he really went off on Howard but now he claims not to have any problems with him. Howard said he was a fan of Billy's stand-up and thought he was brilliant but he said one little thing about him and he freaked out. Howard said ''Screw him...'' and moved on.
Howard got back to the phones and talked to a guy who said he voted at least 200 times for Sanjaya the other night. Howard thinks that they did eliminate their votes and that's why Sanjaya is gone. Another caller said that this is a case of the guy having a really bad performance and his fan base had to be there to get him over that hump. Howard said the guy had no fan base and hung up on that guy. The next caller said that this is going to be the perfect week to vote him off because it's not going to get much press coverage because of the VA Tech shootings. Artie jokingly said this guy might be saying that FOX actually had the guy do the shootings just to cover up the Sanjaya thing.
Howard had to hang up on that guy. He had asked for something that Howard didn't want to give him even after saying he would do him a favor. That led to Robin calling Howard an Indian Giver and then a discussion about what exactly that term means. They talked about how it must have something to do with the Indians selling the island of Manhattan and then wanting it back. They were talking about how little was paid for it and how fucked over they got in that deal. Howard said there are many deals in this country that make the white man look very bad. All of that stuff, slavery and so many other things make the white man look horrible. He said the one thing that they did right was fight the Nazi's in World War II.
Howard said he's in a really sad place right now. Robin wondered if he was going to need Artie's help like he had offered to Chris Kanyon the other day. Howard said that he thinks there's something up with Robin lately too. Her and her race car driving. He said she could get herself killed and he can't take it thinking that she could get hurt.
Howard said that Robin has no sense of direction and he heard about how she could have gotten into some trouble going the wrong way on the course. Robin showed Howard the map she had of the track that she needed to look at before she went out and raced. Howard said there were 4 people who crashed in that race and he thinks Robin could have gotten hurt. He thinks that she has a death wish. Robin told him he's out of his mind.
Howard said Robin said she wanted to sky dive too but she said that wasn't true, she just talked about how she wanted to be a pilot. Artie said he thinks that Robin seems to enjoy life the most out of everyone there. Robin said she just enjoys doing stuff like that, not life so much, but the other things she's doing. She said that the little car she was driving in that race could only go about 100 miles per hour and it wasn't like she was going to get hurt.
Howard told Robin that he wants to have a discussion with her off the air. Artie wondered if she's thinking that this could be the last quarter of her career and that's why she's doing all of that stuff. Artie said that they're the last hours of their careers, not the last quarter. Howard said Robin has some issue going on and he's lumping her in with him at this point. He thinks that he can fix her but not himself.
Robin told Howard she's having a good time and he should leave her alone. He ended up singing to her to some sad piano music that Fred was playing. Robin said that she has no death wish, she was driving slow in the race while George Lucas was driving over his head.
Howard played a new song parody with some Nick Manning ''dropping loads'' clips in it. Robin got back to Howard's sadness and asked him if it's just a mood he's fallen into. Howard said it is a mood and he's not sure where it came from. Howard talked about how he likes that Robert Plant song ''I'm in the Mood For a Melody...'' so that led to them playing the song and talking about Plant and Led Zeppelin for a short time. Howard wondered if that song was a big hit. The guys said they remember hearing it quite a bit when it was out. It was all over MTV and radio.
Howard said he was in the mood for some Chicken Parmesan. He had some yesterday out on Long Island when he went out to a restaurant that Dominic goes to. He got back to Robert Plant and said that he and Jimmy Paige are both very ugly looking these days. Howard asked her which one she would bang if she had to. She picked Robert Plant because Jimmy Paige doesn't even look human. She said that Plant used to look human at some point.
Howard said that Eric didn't play them and the only playing he was doing was playing with himself in his PJ pants every night. Eric also claims that the call that he made to Johnny Fratto about the hit was also faked. Howard said that's bullshit and he knows that he was going around trying to cover his ass over that. Eric said Johnny came up with the idea for that phone call. Howard said he knows when Eric is faking something and he knows he wasn't faking that.
Howard asked Eric who came up with the wetting the bed story. Eric said that was real but when he peed himself it didn't come out of his PJ pants. Howard said he did piss the bed and doesn't believe that he didn't keep it in his pants. Eric said that he can stop peeing mid-stream and it doesn't come out of his pants. Fred asked him how he keeps it in there. Eric didn't know. Howard played the bit that Sal put together where they have Eric peeing his PJ pants while he's sleeping.
Howard told Eric that he's no actor and this story about him playing them was bullshit. He said he really didn't care and he's done with him now. Eric didn't seem to care that they kept Sanjaya on for a few more weeks after he started playing this game. Howard took another call from a guy who claims that his girlfriend left him over the Sanjaya thing. Eric was mumbling in the background and telling the guy he was a loser. The caller said that Eric was full of shit about the whole thing. Howard said he loves that Eric is back to being Eric now.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he had called in and told them that Eric was playing them. Howard said it doesn't matter what Eric says he's doing. The caller also said that a rat never changes his ways and Eric would never vote for that guy. Howard said that he still thinks the producers changed the vote by getting rid of some votes. Eric told him to get over himself because he had nothing to do with that whole thing. Howard said it was obvious that the fix was in when he watched the show last night.
Midget told Howard that this week was Country Music Week and there's a huge fan base there that could vote against him. Howard told Midget he's full of it. Another caller said that Eric got people to vote for Sanjaya just saying that he was playing along with them. He called him a fuckin' midget and said that he's pissed today because of this whole thing. He told Howard to ban him from the show. Eric told him to get lost and called him some names. The caller told him to stand up and say that. Eric claimed he was standing up. The caller was so mad sounding but he started to laugh as he was yelling at him.
Howard played the High Pitch Eric call to Midget where he pretended to be Kelly Clarkson, KC, Gary Dell'Abate and others. He took another call from a guy who said that Eric is still going to have to see Sanjaya in the American Idol tour. Eric said he's not going to spend money to go see that. Howard told him he will and he knows it.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the F-Troop discussion they were having earlier. He brought up a scene that he remembered that was pretty funny. They spent a minute on that before Howard took another call about the Sanjaya vote. Howard told that guy that their news department is going to investigate that whole thing. Another caller called in to tell Eric that he's just a dick. He said he's so ungrateful and he wants to smack the shit out of him every time he hears him open his mouth. The guy told Eric that he did something that he'll never be able to do... He stood up and took a piss. Eric said that he's actually been doing that the last couple of days. He said he can stand up and pee and doesn't do it any other way. He said he was standing there next to his bad looking at a phone number that he could give to Howard to call to find out that he's telling the truth about not voting for Sanjaya.
Howard ignored Midget and played a prank call that Sal made to Gary the Retard where he played some Eric the Midget clips and got him all pissed off.
Artie was talking about how fast time flies and how they only have 3 1/2 years left on SIRIUS at this point. Robin said that she's not sure what she's going to want in that time and doesn't know if she's going to want to do it anymore. Howard said he's not sure either and he may just re-sign at the end of his contract. He said that he hates getting up so early in the morning and thinks that they should do it in the afternoon or something.
Howard got sidetracked and talked about how there's nothing better than fucking Beth. He said that she's going to be interviewing Donald Trump for Extra and he's afraid that he's going to fuck her in his limo while she's doing the interview. Eric said that he saw the previews and they're with Trump's wife. Eric said he watches that show all the time and Beth is definitely better looking than Tanika Ray who is another one of the correspondents on that show.
Howard told Eric he doesn't believe him and he did vote for Sanjaya and he was with them. Midget insisted that he wasn't with them at all. Eric said that he wasn't with them and he didn't want to destroy that show like Howard wanted to. Howard told him he's an evil genius then if that's the way he does things. Howard said it was great bugging Simon and freaking him out. Eric said that if it wasn't for that show, he never would have called Howard's show. Artie let him know something, he's just and Idol watching Boob.
Eric said that he's supposed to be on the show later on so Howard let him go. He wasn't sure what he was talking about but said he'd talk to him later. Another caller said that the reason Eric didn't piss the bed in his PJ pants is because he had some Huggies on.
Howard said yesterday they were reading Gary's article from Sound and Vision magazine. He said Gary was on the Wrap Up Show talking about how much it drives him crazy when he does the impression of him. He played the audio of Gary talking about the face Howard makes when he does the impression of him. He said it really irritates him when he squints his eyes and puts that face on. He said it just cuts him when he does that. He was also complaining about Robin's impression that he thinks isn't all that bad. That led to Howard, Robin and Fred goofing on Gary some more.
The guys were goofing on Gary about the Sconces on his wall that he talks about in the article. They also had a song parody about the Sconces that Richard had put together. Howard played another clip from the Wrap Up Show where some of the guys were talking about how upset they were that they weren't invited over to Gary's house for the dinner party he's having. Sal and Richard were the two complaining the most about not being invited. Gary said he didn't have enough room for everyone to come.
Howard said that Gary had won an auction for a 16 person dinner party thing where they're going to have food, a string quartet and a wine tasting. Howard said he was afraid that Mary was going to cook dinner or something but now he's relieved that it's going to be catered.
Gary said that they found out that people are upset about Jon Hein jumping ahead and getting invited to these things ahead of other people. Howard said that's because Jon is normal, unlike Sal. He said he thinks that Jon should be at that party even ahead of Benjy. He said he's kind of shocked that Benjy was actually invited to the party. He asked Benjy if he was surprised. He said he wasn't but he was surprised that Sal and Benjy weren't invited.
Gary said he's going to have another party this summer that he'll invite everyone to. Howard said he's not going to go to that one. Gary said he's not going to be like Jackie and have too many people to his house for this dinner party. He's not going to extend a table out his dining room window like Jackie used to do.
Howard said that Will is upset that Jon Hein didn't have to put in the time that the rest of the guys did to get invited to these events. Howard said he's not sure why they like Jon so much and dislike Scott the Engineer so much. Scott was in the studio and said that it's because he's just an asshole. He said he's numb to that at this point. He never gets invited to that stuff so it doesn't bother him anymore.
Howard asked Gary where Scott is on the list of people who don't get invited. Scott said he's at the bottom of the list, he just heard Gary say that in the clip that Howard had just played. Howard asked Gary if JD is ahead of Scott. Gary said he would probably invite Scott before JD. Howard didn't believe that and said that JD is ahead of Scott.
Howard said that it's that black cloud that's been following him over the years. Ronnie came in and said that Scott is really miserable over that and he's so angry lately. He said it's impossible to talk to him when he's in that mood. This morning Scott came in and was all chipper and even that was annoying. Robin said that she gave some tickets to Scott's intern for a show and she later heard that Scott was upset about how no one ever offers him anything. Scott said he may have been teasing her but he really wasn't upset about that. Robin didn't believe that at all.
Ronnie told Howard that he was invited to Gary's house for that dinner party so that didn't go over well with Scott either. Scott said he never said anything about that though. Scott said he's used to that stuff. Howard was surprised that Gary invited Ronnie over Scott for something like that. Scott kept saying that he's numb to all of that and it really doesn't bother him. Howard told Gary he was really, really surprised that he was invited over Scott.
Howard asked Gary who he would invite to his party if he had one more opening for a couple. Gary went through the thought process and tried to figure out who he would invite... over Scott. Gary said he didn't even consider Scott for this party. He said he knew about the upcoming party this summer that he would invite him to. Gary said he was going to cancel this dinner party if this stuff kept up. Scott said he knows it's tough to come up with a list of that many people.
Howard said he hates going to these parties because they're a waste of his time. He said he really has nothing to talk about with these people. Gary said that they have another clip from the Wrap Up Show where Sal was talking about how he saw a look in Howard's eyes about something that was going on during the show. Howard said it was so creepy that he cut it from his computer.
Gary told Howard that he actually invited Tom Chiusano to his party and he's actually coming. Scott said he's glad that he's not going then. He thinks that Tom hates him. Howard said Tom probably didn't hate him, he just didn't value him like he does. Artie joked that Gary had invited Bernard McGurk from Imus' show to the party over Scott. Howard said he loves Scott but he always gets overlooked for these events.
Howard asked Gary what this party is going to be like. Gary said they're going to have a four course meal and Mary will be making desert for everyone. Howard asked Gary if he would have invited the VA Tech shooter over Scott. That led to the guys talking about Scott freaking out on air after his push-up challenge and playing some audio from that.
Jason told Howard that Gary had given him a list of people he was supposed to buy gifts for there at the show and the only name he left off was Scott. Gary said he just forgot about him, it's not even about him disliking him or anything like that. They played another clip from Scott's push-up challenge where Scott wanted to fight Howard. They talked about that craziness and how it was the first time Artie was doing the show with Norm MacDonald. Howard had to go to break after that.
Artie said that recording session took forever to do. They had to do 15 pages of names for that thing and they had over 500 names to read. Artie hadn't heard how they came out so Howard played an example for him. It sounded kind of like one of those audio books that Richard edits. Robin said the editing was pretty awful in that clip so they goofed on Mike Gange about that a little bit. They were talking about that whole thing and how it can't possibly work. Howard said it's already up on the web site so it is working.
Howard had Lisa G come in to give her Howard 100 News preview. He got sidetracked when he read a story about Imus possibly thinking about killing himself. The story was from The Globe though so maybe it wasn't so true. The guys spent a few minutes goofing on Imus. Howard wondered how he would kill himself and said maybe he could shove that cowboy hat down his throat. Artie said he could probably sit in front of a mirror talking and bore himself to death.
Howard said he sat through Oprah Winfrey's show when they had Imus' wife Deirdre on. She was talking about her book about cleaning stuff. The guys got back to Imus and talked about how so many people hated him, even the people he worked with. Howard said Bernard was always calling them for a job but he'd continue to goof on them on the air even when he was trying to get a job with them.
Lisa said that there is a JumpTheShark special on this weekend on the TV Guide channel. Jon Hein hardly had any input into it and didn't even know it was airing according to Gary. Lisa said that Will and Jason talk about how Ronnie's dog ate some of his money that he had left on his table so they'll have that in their Page 69 report.
Dennis told Howard more about that stuff and everyone seemed to think he was out of his mind. Dennis said that he's 40 years old now. Artie said he knows this guy but he didn't know that he was driving Sal around. Dennis said he has a 20 year old Mercedes that he drives and Sal likes the luxury of that. He said he barely makes a living and has a lot of stuff going on in his life. He said that he has a lot of inventions that he's working on. Sal said that one of his inventions is melting action figures. He said he has one in his bag if they wanted to see it.
Howard asked Dennis how he lives. Dennis said he barely makes a living. He tries to make a living but he doesn't do so well. He said he has a lot of ideas for other celebrities and he's going to try and find Rosie O'Donnell and also find the Olsen Twins to give them some advice. Howard asked him if he has any girlfriend or anything like that. Dennis said he doesn't and Sal told Howard the guy hasn't gotten laid in 7 years.
Gary came in and said that Sal only pays this guy twenty bucks to drive him to these events. Gary also said that Dennis likes to draw on women because he looks at them as art work. Dennis said that started out by writing his phone number on a woman one time.
Sal said that Dennis is the one guy who listens to Riley and believes every single word he says. Dennis said that Riley really shouldn't be charging for his services because he should be trying to save the world with that information he has. He believes that he did have that information implanted in his head. He also thinks that there are some people who could make Howard believe in all of that stuff.
Sal said that Dennis has seen about 20 therapists over the years. Dennis said that nothing ever gets resolved and that's why he's seen so many of them. Sal said the last one he went to actually kicked Dennis and his family out because he couldn't help them. Dennis said that he is making a little money from this name he came up with for an animation project. He said he created the name and they liked it so much that they bought it from him. He said he got $3,000 for that. Sal said that this guy is nuts and he never got a check for coming up with a name. He doesn't believe him at all. Howard told him to come clean and admit that he didn't get the check. Dennis said it's true and the check was actually $5,000 and he had to split it with someone else. That other person is his partner.
Sal was saying that the radio doesn't work in Dennis' car so he just talks and talks. He said he'll actually roll down a window and listen to the wind blowing instead of listening to Dennis rambling. Howard reviewed all of this nutty stuff that Dennis was rambling about. Dennis was also saying that he can't go to those therapists because they don't get him as a human being so he can't keep going if they can't even get him on that level.
Howard asked Dennis what he would name XM and SIRIUS if the merge goes through. He suggested that they stick to SIRIUS. He didn't think they should change the name at all. Howard asked him how much they owe him for that. Dennis said he'd do that for free.
Sal told Howard that Dennis told him he wanted to prove to him that there were UFOs so he pulled out this book from 1976 with a picture of a hub cap being held between trees with string and expected him to believe it. Howard asked Dennis why the aliens don't just land and say hello. Dennis said it's because we're not a friendly society. Artie interrupted and handed Dennis a check for $100 for naming the company SIRIUS a little earlier.
Sal brought in the book that Dennis had showed him with the hub cap. Dennis believes that those ships have been flying around on video lately so it was for real. Howard asked Dennis if he smokes weed every day. Dennis said he does and mentioned something about his friend dying of cancer and how he gets him weed. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and let him go. Sal laughed as he was walking out. Fred played some Twilight Zone music after he left.
Howard got back to the Lisa Rinna thing and talked about how boring those red carpet things are going to be with her. Gary wondered if they're costly or if they're difficult to work with. Howard said they're probably costly and the TV Guide channel didn't want to pay for them anymore. He said the channel isn't that big and they probably wanted out of that deal. He said E! fired them too and they're probably upset about doing that.
Howard said he was mentioned on a sports show recently. He said that this ESPN radio guy Colin Cowherd mentioned him and played the audio clip. The guy was talking about the California Angels and how he thinks about Howard Stern when he's thinking about this guy Vlad Guererro because Vlad is like the Howard Stern of whatever it was he was talking about. He ended up talking about what Howard did for all of these radio stations he went on when he was still on terrestrial radio and how he was raising up all of the other DJs on the stations.
Tabitha Stevens was going to be stopping by in a few minutes. Artie said he saw her out in the hall and didn't recognize her so he figured that she had some more work done. Robin said she didn't recognize her either and saw her out in the green room with Eddie the Produce Guy. Howard said they had to be kidding and couldn't believe that she looks that different. Benjy said that she looks more human now and looks much better. Artie said that she looks much different and not like herself.
Howard got back to Blake and asked him how he met this retarded girl. He said he met her at a movie theater where she hangs out a lot. He said that she was kind of tweaking out while he was with her. Artie said that the guy he knew actually wore a shirt that read ''I'm With Stupid'' when he'd go out with his retarded chick.
Blake said that the girl he was with was kind of scratching his dick during the movie they were watching. He said she kind of jerked him off during the movie. He said he took her back to his apartment and tried to bang her but he couldn't get his head in there. He said he tried to bang her in the ass too and that was too tight.
Howard had a new ''Ask the Retards'' bit to play so he went into that since they were talking about retards. In this one Gary and Wendy the Retards are asked about jacking off women. Wendy was yelling at Gary about how a woman can't jack off. The two of them ended up yelling at each other about the whole thing. Wendy was giving the woman advice about stretching out her pussy to get off so it doesn't hurt. Wendy got so fed up she hung up the phone. Gary hung up a short time later.
Howard told Blake to give his retard girlfriend if she wanted to come on the air. The guy said he would do that. Howard said he feels bad for the girl though. He doesn't like this whole thing. He thought the guy could conference call with the girl but Blake had no idea how to do that. Howard put him on hold and told Gary to make it happen. He and Robin spent a short time talking about how bad they feel for this chick. They wondered if she knows what's going on with the guy or not.
Howard had Blake and his retarded girl on the phone. Robin said Artie was falling asleep already and he should stay up for this. Howard spoke to this retarded woman Emily. They had just woken her up so she wasn't too thrilled about that. Howard asked her how old she is and found out she's 26. He also asked her if she likes Blake. She said she likes him but she's only known him for 2 dates. Howard asked her if she's still in high school. She said she's actually got 2 more years of college to finish but she's not in there now. She said she went to boarding school for six years and finished high school.
Howard asked Emily if she could add some numbers for him. She said she can't do that in her head because she's got a learning disability. Howard said she sounds like a cool chick who just has a learning disability. She's not retarded. Then he asked her what weighed more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers. She quickly said ''Bricks!''
Howard asked Emily if she had a good time with Blake when she went out with him. She was having some trouble staying awake and thinking straight. Howard asked her what the 5th letter of the alphabet was. She figured out it was E after about 20 seconds if saying her ABCs. Howard asked Emily about her date with Blake and she said she really wants to see him again. She said he was the coolest guy she's ever met. She's never had sex with a guy in a loving way but she has been raped. Howard told Blake to treat her nice and handle this the right way. Emily told Howard that her father is a lawyer too so he'd better treat her right.
Howard said he'd had enough of this and wrapped up with them. He asked Emily about Blake trying to put his penis in her behind. He didn't stick with the story too long and wrapped up letting them go. He said that he had a bad feeling about that whole relationship.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he looks at retarded people like little kids and it's like this guy Blake is messing with little kid. The guys talked about that for a short time and then Howard said he had to take a quick break before getting Tabitha in there.
Howard had the guys bring Tabitha Stevens in. He mentioned that Artie didn't recognize her earlier. Artie said he was afraid that she thought he was saying that she didn't look good. He said she actually does look good, just different. Howard said he was on Tabitha's web site (TabithaStevens.com) and they show too much of her doing things other than having sex. Tabitha said that she has a different fan base now and people stopped joining her site when she had the more hard core stuff on there. Howard thought that was crazy. He was on the site looking at the video and she was exercising and climbing a rock wall and stuff like that. He just wanted to jerk off to her.
Howard said she really should put some hard core stuff on the site. He said the site is pretty cool though and that looks really good. He was watching some of the video in the studio and told her that it really isn't hot. He said she has to get inside a man's head to see what they really want and it's not that stuff.
Howard brought up Nick Manning who was on the show yesterday. He was actually engaged to Tabitha. They played one of the dropping loads song parodies that they created using his clips. Howard played a clip of Nick talking about her during his interview yesterday. That led to Howard saying he had Nick on the phone but when he picked up there was a chick saying he'd be right back. Tabitha said that she was actually there encouraging Nick to work and save his loads to drop during his work.
Tabitha said that Nick was going to go to shoot a movie with this Jessica chick and he was going to spend a week with her. Nick got on the phone so Tabitha went off on him about the stuff he was saying on the show yesterday. She said that he said she wasn't supportive of the work he was doing when that wasn't the case. Nick said that he loves Tabitha but from his perspective, she wasn't all that supportive when she freaked out on him about little things like that Jessica thing. She started to get pissed off at Nick and said the big reason she left was him smoking pot in front of her family in a hotel room.
Nick said that he's a grown man and he'll do whatever the fuck he wants. Tabitha said that was the biggest thing with him. Nick said he once took Tabitha to the AVN awards and when he and this Jessica chick had their picture taken, Tabitha got pissed off about that. He said that it was little shit like that which drove him nuts. Tabitha said that she and Nick smoked pot together and had a lot of fun together but smoking in front of her family was wrong.
Tabitha said that when Nick was with her, he had trouble lasting more than a couple of strokes. She said that he was pretty quick on the draw with her but yesterday Nick was saying he lasts for 2 hours with most women. Tabitha said that Nick would never say the dropping loads thing with her except for just one time. Howard thought it was interesting that Nick wasn't all that long lasting in bed but he knows what that's like. He said that he was with some women that he couldn't last one stroke with. Nick said that he was really connected to Tabitha and didn't want to last 3 hours with her.
Nick put Rachel on the phone so Howard asked her if Nick had fucked her for 2 hours last night. She said he had and they did it more than once. Howard asked her if Nick dropped his loads on her. She said he didn't. Howard thanked them for the call and let them go after that. Tabitha said that she once went to Scores and stripped for Artie but he was being all shy. She went out on a date with him and he was all shy and nothing ever came out of that.
Tabitha said that she would have given Artie a blow job that night if she had gone out with him. Artie asked her if she had been with anyone else on the show like a comedian or anything. She didn't seem to want to talk about that but she had been with a comedian and did something for him. They didn't mention his name though. Tabitha wanted Artie to come over and sit on the couch with her so she could simulate what she might do to him. She was going to talk him through what she would have done but Artie said that wouldn't be fun. Howard said that Artie can't get out of his chair. He also said that he's got a new girl so that might be why he wasn't going over to her.
Howard asked Tabitha why she didn't offer him a lap dance that day they were at a strip club in Vegas. She said that he was too intimidating. While they were talking about that Tabitha asked if she could take her top off. Howard told her to go ahead and do that. He admired her boob job for a short time and then got back to the discussion about Tabitha giving people hand jobs and blow jobs. She said she could do certain things now even though she's married. She said that she offered to give Eric the Midget a hand job but he turned that down. Jeff the Drunk also had the chance to bang her but he wasn't able to get hard. She said she would have gone through with it if he had been able to get it up.
Gary asked Tabitha if she had been with Cabbie. She said they never hooked up at all. Artie then asked Tabitha if she had done anything with Bob Levy. She said she had a good taste for him which meant she had blown him. She said that Jim Florentine was in the room with them at the time and was laughing in the next bed. She said she didn't swallow that, she thinks she took it to the chin instead.
Howard had Tabitha take her pants off and she had a little fuzz down there. The guys said that it looked like it was glued on there or something. Gary asked her if she would blow Fred if he asked her to. She said that she would do it. She even said she'd blow Benjy. Howard said he can't believe she never came in to him when they were out in Vegas. He was kind of insulted by that. She said that he's really very intimidating and like a god to her. Howard said it made him very insecure that she didn't come on to him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that it really freaked him out that she said she had blown Bob Levy. Howard asked Gary to get Eric the Midget on the phone so they could talk to him about turning down the offer from Tabitha to give him a hand job. Tabitha said that she was just being nice and most people would take him up on the offer. Howard said if he were Eric, he'd take her up on that offer in a minute.
Midget was on the phone so Howard asked him why he wouldn't take the hand job from her. He said that she's been with too many guys. Tabitha said that her hand hasn't been with a lot of guys. Eric said he's never even had a woman's hand on his penis other than a nurse touching him to help with peeing when he was in the hospital bed. Tabitha asked him if he's ever come. He said he has but that's from doing it himself. Howard said that there's something a little gay in all of this and he doesn't understand why he wouldn't want to get off.
Tabitha said she would even learn to sing some Kelly Clarkson songs for him but Eric wanted nothing to do with it. Howard told her to go ahead and do it with him but Eric refused to pull his pants down. Howard asked him if he's gay. Midget kept saying ''No!'' to him over and over again. Tabitha asked him if he would go to lunch with her. He said that he didn't want to do that either.
Artie asked Eric if he's ever pursued a girl that he liked... other than someone from American Idol. He didn't really get a chance to answer. Howard interrupted and asked Tabitha to get herself excited and do what she had to do. She licked her fingers and tried to get Midget into it. Eric was going to hang up and said he'd talk to Howard next week. Howard said Eric hung up in the middle of it so Howard told Tabitha she could stop.
Tabitha thinks that Eric is upset with her over that cartoon they had where she pisesd on him but she really had nothing to do with it. Howard gave Tabitha a plug for her web site and told her how great the site turned out. She said her husband actually put that together for her.
Tabitha talked about the incident at K-Rock and the porn movie that was filmed there. She said she really had nothing to do with it. Howard said he already knew that and she had nothing to worry about. He started to wrap up with her but ended up talking about how weird Artie was acting toward her. She said she was going to lay on the couch and do stuff to him. Artie said he was feeling kind of lethargic so that's why he didn't get up. She demonstrated on Jason instead. Jason was on the couch and let her take his shirt off. She started to mess around with his nipple and stuff like that. She showed the guys what she was going to do to Artie. She went through a whole thing with him and described it all. Jason said he was enjoying it was it was going on. Tabitha said he had a boner and asked to touch it.
The Midget was back on the phone but Will was the one who called him back. He didn't call back himself. Howard hung up on him when he said he didn't want any phone sex. Howard went to break after that.
Howard had Mike get right into his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard played another clip of Alice where she freaks out on Steve Langford for revealing that she has a gun in her apartment. She was all calm in the first clip he played but then she heard Steve's report and freaked out and went nuts on him. She complained about the report and how Steve screwed her over.
Gary came in and said that Artie was missing and he wasn't sure where he was. He went out looking for him all over the place and wasn't able to find him. He said that Artie has been doing some weird stuff lately and acting kind of strange. He's been leaving the studio in the middle of the show and things like that. yesterday he left and got a cupcake and ate half of it, then threw the half he hadn't eaten in with the rest of the cupcakes.
Howard said Artie could send someone down to get his food for him if he wanted something. The guys talked about how odd it was that he was missing. He showed up a few seconds later. Artie said he got light headed on the escalator. He said some guy asked him if he was okay. He wasn't sure what was going on and lost some time. He said some guy told him he didn't look good and told him to sit down.
Artie said he would have been back up if that guy didn't ask him to sit down. He said he thought that there was a wall there when he was on the escalator so he leaned back and it looked like he was going to fall. The guy saw him do that and told him he looked woozy so he asked him to sit down. Artie said he was feeling kind of light headed. The guy told him he looked like he was falling asleep so that's why he had him sit down.
Howard asked Artie if he knew what the date was. Artie knew but Howard jokingly told him this was their last show and he had just missed the past 3 years of shows. Artie said this guy saw his face and said it looked red. He thought the guy was a fan and he was just fucking with him. Then the guy took him down to Cafe Metro and had him sit down on the table. Artie said he was okay and told the guy he should call in and talk about it.
Robin asked Artie if it bothers him that he can't even go down to get food without having a problem. He said he wasn't out of breath. Howard told him he should send someone down there to get his food. People were already convinced that Artie was back on the big H(eroin) because he had vanished like that.
Artie had some French toast that he was drowning in syrup. Howard told him he could eat that without the syrup and it would still be delicious. Howard said Artie hadn't stopped eating all morning. Robin figured he was up to 300 by this point and wanted to weigh him after he finished the French toast. Artie said he had a bagel, two packs of Linden's cookies... Robin asked him if they could weigh him after that. Artie said he wasn't going to get on their ''stupid weigh machine'' which as a reference to something Anna Nicole Smith said to them one time. Howard told Artie to put more syrup on the French toast. Artie was stuffing his face and talking with his mouth full. He said this is the kind of stuff they found in Elvis' ass.
Artie asked who won the Gossip Game. They told him it was Fred so he was surprised that he had won again. Everyone was just watching Artie eat his French toast instead of doing anything else. Artie said they can do this instead of the Howard TV special ''Eating with Artie.'' Howard said they should just put this on Howard TV tonight as the show. He was describing what Artie was doing as he was eating and asked the guys to bring in some real silverware for him.
Artie said he thinks he had ''an episode'' on the escalator out there. He said he thinks he's had enough ''episodes'' to go into syndication at this point. Howard and the guys kept watching Artie eating his breakfast. Artie was still shoveling in the food. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie might be the worst employee ever. Another caller, a doctor, said that Artie should take care of himself and have his blood pressure checked. He said that he might have low blood pressure. He asked him if he has any tingling sensation in his fingers because he might be close to having a stroke. The guy turned out to be joking around so Howard let him go and moved on.
Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. They'll talk about Eric the Midget, Nick Manning, Artie's vanishing act and Sal's driver Dennis among other things. Howard interrupted and talked about the big ratings that NBC had last night because of the VA Tech shooting guy sending them some video and pictures of himself. Jon got back to his show rundown and wrapped that up.
Howard asked Fred what he thinks about Artie's eating and his possible mini-stroke. Fred said he really has to stop eating so much. Artie, with a mouth full of food, asked Fred if there were any other options. Fred said he just eats a couple of yogurts and a power bar during the show. He has some oatmeal and vegetarian sausage for breakfast before the show. He really doesn't eat all that much until lunch when he has a grilled chicken breast on whole wheat bread.
Jon Hein said that Artie might have Diabetes and he might want to check his blood sugar levels. Jon said that losing track of time is one of the symptoms he gets when his blood sugar level is off. Jon came back in and checked Artie's level to see how off he was. Jon talked about his problems with eating and how he used to eat just like Artie does. He can't do that anymore.
Howard said it was very cool that Jon could check Artie like that. Jon told Howard that Artie's blood sugar level was 152 which is a little high. He said it should be around 100. He said that sometimes it goes up after you eat. Jon said his levels were like 400 when he started having problems. Artie might be on his way but he's not there yet. He said if Artie had diabetes, he'd probably be at about 600. Howard said that maybe Artie was already over 1000 and the number Jon saw was actually 1150, not just 150. Jon said it's a shame that Artie is going to get it some day if he keeps going like that.
Dominic Barbara called in and said he has diabetes and went through that whole thing. He said that he had it go away for a while but now it's back. He said that it's possible that Artie is crashing when his blood sugar level goes down. He said they really need to test him more often to see where it goes. Dominic said he has gained back 35 pounds of the 110 that he lost. Howard said he asked a waiter as Dominic's favorite restaurant and the guy told him he's eating everything. Jon Hein came in to argue with Dominic about what he was saying but Howard told him he didn't care and told them to go talk about that on the ''Who Gives a Shit Channel.''
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:40am.
Howard started off the show talking about why he was late starting the show. He said he was working on the Saturday show that people would be seeing tomorrow. He said he gets a cold every time he goes to California. He said he's all whacked out now from the time change screwing him up. He said he was taking some ColdEeze to get over it. He was also talking about how much Ralph hangs around him and how that could be the reason he gets sick.
Howard asked Robin what was up with the flowers she had. Robin said it was from the girl, Kim, who was in last week dancing with Howard. She said she didn't need to send her the flowers, they're not going to be friends or anything.
Howard asked Fred if the band Garbage was coming in today. Fred gave him a yes so Howard said he was really looking forward to that. He wanted to dance with Shirley Manson. He was doing a little dance for Robin and saying that he's seen so many black people dancing so well. He said he doesn't think it's a genetic thing, he thinks that in the black community that you're able to dance and that's why so many are good at it. He said when he was growing up all of the people in his community could dance or at least hold a beat. He thinks he's on to something and he's discovered something but he's not quite sure what that is. He said he figured out that black people can dance.
Howard said they have a lot to get to today including Gay Mickey Mouse who will be in there. Hank the Dwarf is also coming in to model and dance for Garbage.
The other day Howard and Robin were talking about how Jennifer Love Hewitt, from the Fox TV show ''Party of Five'', would have a song on the soundtrack album for her new movie. Howard then heard that Jennifer had like 5 other albums. This morning he played a couple of cuts from the album and goofed on them. Howard was singing along and making up his own lyrics. He was also goofing on Jackie saying that this is like what his wife Nancy would put out. He played one track of Jennifer's that sounded like it was running at the wrong speed.
Gary told Howard that Jennifer probably isn't a fan of the show because she has a relationship with the Z-100 crew, Elvis and Elliot. Howard ended up goofing on Z-100 and how they play this kind of awful music all day long. He said they probably don't even play her record on the station. Gary said they usually play it on the day before she's a guest, then on the day she's in and then never play it again. Gary also said that it's funny how people like that will do a show like that instead of doing the Howard Stern Show which is on in 50 cities.
Howard said that they'd probably be staring at Jennifer's jugs if she came in there. The guys on the other station probably talk to her about some other uninteresting stuff. Gary said that everyone on that show has a dopey name like ''Phone Boy'' and things like that. Howard goofed on them about that and said that every one of those lame morning shows have lame names like that. He said they might need some names on his show like that. He told Gary he could be Tooth Boy. Gary said they have a guy who drives the van there who changes his name a lot. He couldn't remember what it was so Stuttering John said it was Radio Raheem. His real name is Dennis. Gary came up with some other names like News Gathering Boy for Robin's news helper.
They also have ''Computer Girl''(Amy) who works on the computer there. Howard said that chick is cute too. Gary told Howard that she's married. Robin said that she had a pervert run-in on the subway the other day so Howard had ''Computer Girl'' come in to tell her story. Howard asked her about this pervert problem she had. Computer Girl told Howard she's married and her husband loves the show. She said she doesn't have any kids or anything like that yet. Howard told her to get a dog instead. She said she has dogs already. Howard had to sing his ''I love my kids, I love my wife, I love my money'' song after bringing up how he has kids.
Howard asked Computer Raheem (changed from Computer Girl) what happened to her. She said she was taking the train in early in the morning one day, around 4 in the morning. Howard asked her why her husband doesn't get her a limo. She said they can't quite afford that. Howard wondered why she got married so young. She said that she's 28 so it's not that young. She said she had her fun and got over all of that. Howard told her she won't be saying that 10 years down the road. She'll still have more fun to get to.
Computer Girl told Howard that there were actually quite a few people on the train with her. She was looking out the window even though this guy was trying to get her attention. The train stopped in Penn Station so she grabbed her bag and saw this guy with his thing out of his pants. She said that it was out but he wasn't playing with himself. He was probably about 35 years old and didn't look very clean. She said it was engorged and at full mast so it was not good.
Computer Girl said it made her angry so she just got up and walked away. The guy also got off the train after putting his shirt over his pants. Gary said that they had a similar incident with another person there. The guy did the same thing so the woman had the guy put in jail after calling the cops. Computer Girl said there were no cops around for her when she saw that going on.
Gary said he once had a girl expose herself to him when he was out on the street. He said he was walking down the street and this woman had her pants around her ankles and she was cleaning herself. Howard told him that's not the same thing because she wasn't coming on to him, she was just cleaning herself. He told him he's clearly lost his mind. Howard thanked Computer Girl for the story and let her go.
Doug said that he tracked down Hank by asking if they had seen a dwarf there. one guy had seen him there and told Doug he was up in the bathroom. Doug ran to the bathroom and checked all of the stalls. Howard was watching Hank drinking from his bottle while Doug was trying to tell his story. He interrupted and ended up talking to Hank about what he was doing this weekend. He was making an appearance so Howard asked him about that. Hank said he's getting paid about $800 for that appearance.
Doug is managing Hank so he arranged for the payment for the appearance. Hank said he's almost out of debt thanks to all of this fame he's gotten. He said he was thousands of dollars in debt but now he's only got about $2000 that he owes.
Doug told Howard that he went into this bathroom to find Hank and called out his name. That's when this black guy came out and asked him what he was looking for. Howard said that's what goes on in the Port Authority bathrooms. He got back to Hank and asked him what else happened while he was waiting for Doug. Hank said he knew Doug was going to show up eventually so he just waited for him.
Gary said that Doug told him that he and his girlfriend are moving in together and moving to a new building so Hank won't be able to get in and hang out like he does in this building. Doug said he may have to put Hank up somewhere else when he comes into the city from now on. He went on to talk about what happened last night when he finally found Hank. He brought him to his apartment and put Hank to bed. He hoped that he would go to bed but showered him first. He said he didn't want him too stinky.
Howard asked Hank about some of his hygiene issues. Doug was saying that they really need to bring him to a dentist. Robin said the last time they did that the doctor wasn't able to work on him because he had passed out. Doug told Howard they have a bunch of costumes for Hank to change into this morning. He ran down the list of costumes and said he could dress up as Elvis, a space man, a bondage outfit, a baby with a bottle full of booze and other things.
Howard had a guy on the phone who had booked Hank for a gig one time where he was on this hay ride. The guy said that Hank actually stayed with him and puked when he woke up in the morning. He also said that Hank did some stand-up comedy for him and when he did the hay ride thing, he kept the people very entertained.
Gary told Howard about a gig he did one time and he was talking through his puppet in the studio and Hank was staring at it trying to figure out if he was seeing things or not. Howard got a laugh out of that. Doug told Howard that Hank is booked through January with a bunch of gigs coming up.
Howard asked Hank if he ever thinks he'll stop drinking. Hank said that would ruin his image. He's happy now but he can't stop the drinking. Doug said he told Hank to never change because that's who he is. Howard said it was just before 7am and he was already drunk so he's obviously a drunk. Hank said he once went two weeks without drinking but all he did was watch TV. He only stopped because he didn't have any money.
Gary asked Hank if he went through the shakes and stuff when that was going on. Hank said he got shaky but that went away after a couple of days. Hank got through all of that stuff and then went out one night and some people bought him some drinks and smoked some weed with him. That's when he started drinking again. Howard said this is what Jackie wants to be but his wife won't let him. Gary asked Hank if he ever thinks that he's shaving years off his life. Howard figured he wanted to die but hank said that's not the case.
Doug said that Hank was actually forced to go through rehab but once he got out he went right back to doing all of the stuff he had been doing before rehab. Hank said he was able to fool them into thinking he was okay and got out. Howard said Hank was staring at his bottle as if he were in love with it. He loves watching him drink. He cheers people while he's drinking and stuff like that.
Howard asked Hank if he would give up drinking if he could have Pamela Anderson. He said he would. Robin asked him if he would take a million dollars to give up drinking. He said he wouldn't do that because he'd want to spend the money on booze. Robin wondered what it must be like to be drunk all the time like that. Hank said it is his favorite. He's tried crack and other drugs before but even when he does that, he wants a drink.
Howard said he had to take a break but he'd bring Hank back later in the show. He spent a couple more minutes talking to Hank before going to break though. He said that Jackie is so jealous of Hank because this is exactly what he'd like to be doing. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said he could do it and tried it on Robin. He asked her if she knew anyone in her family that had a name that started with an R. KC said it had to be a dead person because that's what this guy John does. Howard played with Robin and found out she does know a Robert. He told Robin that someone was looking for her friend Robert from beyond and that he was in danger.
KC said that this guy was able to tell him names and stuff but he won't be doing that with Howard and Robin on the air. Howard got him on the phone to find out what he was up to. Howard said that Houdini went around to psychic after psychic trying to find someone who could do this and he never did. John said that he did something where he came up with some words and some symbols and one psychic was able to kind of figure out what it was that he was thinking about.
John said that he wasn't going to be able to do the psychic thing with Howard because he needed him to pay full attention to him and not try to be entertaining. John tried to get a reading from Howard and Robin but came up with nothing. Howard said he didn't care about his listeners, he just wanted the guy to read him. John said he could only do the listeners on the phone though. He also said that no one in Howard's family wanted to be on the air.
Howard told John that he was opening himself up to the spirit world for him. John told him to pay attention to what was coming through. Then he brought up this name Ben (Howard's father) and talked about how someone close to him worked with clothing and has passed away. John said that he was missing part of his leg or was paralyzed. Howard said there is someone in the family like that. KC thought the guy was figuring something out but Howard told him to quiet down. John then found that someone by the name of Sally was coming through. She was still alive though. John said that ''they'' were pulling him west or to his left so they must be out in that area. He kept giving Howard details but Howard had no idea who or what he was talking about.
Howard asked John what will be changing for him. John said that he's going to be doing a fictional story but it won't be about him. Howard said it's about time that he branched out. He said he'll look for that validation that john was telling him to look out for. Howard said he doesn't know about him and asked him how he figured out he could contact the dead and how much he can make doing it. John said he's not making over 100,000 like Howard thought. He said this is his only job at this time though.
Howard wanted to do a reading on Jackie so he went into that and tried to channel some of his family. Jackie told Howard he knew someone by the name of Jay when he asked about it. Howard told him that he had something to tell Jackie but John interrupted and said there are actually two Jays. Howard told him to stay out of it and then told Jackie that his father wanted to tell him that he's sorry that he gave him such poor self esteem. He wishes that he's let go of his anger. Jackie said the things he was saying would never come from his father.
Howard asked Fred if he knows someone with the name starting with a B.. an R, or an S ... or an F or maybe an A, E, I, O, U or sometimes Y. Fred said he didn't know of anyone with those names. Fred kept saying no to all of the letters. Howard then started over and told him to include letters in their whole name. Howard finally got Fred to say Yes a few times so he did the reading and told him that the woman with the S in her name had a message for his mother and said that John Glenn shouldn't be in space. John said Howard did pretty good but a little more validation would be good.
KC asked how this guy gets the names though. Howard put a listener on the line for John to give a reading to. John was gone though. Howard had accidentally hung up on him. He told the guys to get him back on the line since it was an accident that he had hung up. KC really thought that John knew something about Howard's family when he was doing all of that stuff. Howard told him it was a lucky guess.
Howard had John back on the phone so he had him try to read this woman Toni who was on the phone. John said that he needed everyone to pay attention to what he was saying. John said that there was a younger female around her that he was getting a reading on. She said she didn't have a younger sister or anything. She had a sister but she was older. john told Toni to write down what he was saying and keep it in mind because it might be coming up in the future. He mentioned the date August 8th which is Robin's birthday. John said it wasn't her and he knew that because he was channeling his energy into this woman.
Howard asked Toni if she was overweight. He could tell from her laugh that she was. She said she wasn't but Howard then asked her about anal sex because he could see an anus on her side. He said she was impossible to work with though. KC thought she was a bad subject and that's why John wasn't able to pull it off. Howard took a call from a guy who said that John was totally off when he did his reading. He was giving him all kinds of information that was incorrect and telling him that he was incorrect about his own life. Howard told John that he wasn't doing so good today. Howard told John that when people die, they just die. They don't go anywhere and they don't communicate with anyone psychically.
Howard said that there is nothing ''beyond'' like John thinks. John said that's not true. Howard said that all of this stuff is just absurd. He said it's such a vindictive thing for people to assume that God is going to hold this stuff against them if they don't believe. John said that he thought the psychic he went to was full of it but she knew so much about him that he figured she was either following him around or she knew something.
Howard asked John if he gets laid thanks to this stuff. John said that he actually met his wife doing this. Howard asked him about that and found out that his wife has actually met him before. She was out at a restaurant that Howard was at one night and got to meet him. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and let him go. Howard ended up goofing on KC for believing in that guy. He said John was worse at the psychic thing than even he was. They went to break a short time later.
Howard played a clip from the L.A. riots where this reporter was getting beaten as he was doing his report. They had taken the clip and threw in some Three Stooges clips. Howard played that as well and then played a Dan Rather clip from the 60s where he was getting thrown around but it wasn't quite as good as that one was.
Howard said they had Gay Mickey Mouse coming in next. He said Mickey was going to be coming out of the closet today. He played a fart song before doing that though. Howard also said that people can't miss the Saturday night show this week. He then brought in Gay Mickey Mouse (High Pitch Eric) who was there to talk about being gay. Howard asked him about this gay thing and Eric went into his speech about how he's in love with Mighty Mouse. He said that he'd also like to dig up Walt Disney and crawl into his rotten, worm eaten colon.
Mickey talked about how he was going full on gay and welcomed anyone to come in and take him. He also said that he doesn't play that game with Minnie Mouse anymore. Mickey said that he's been with some other Disney characters like Prince Charming and Jiminy Cricket. Howard asked Mickey if he ever had sex with Minnie Mouse. He said he never did. Howard asked him if Minnie ever strapped one on with him. He said that didn't happen.
Howard wrapped up with Gay Mickey after that and said that he was now out of the closet. He was going to be sticking around for a while. They also had Crackhead Bob and Fred the Elephant Boy coming in. Elephant Boy came in and went flying over the set. They also had Jenteal, a porn star, in there. Hank the Dwarf came back in dressed up as a bikini girl. He was in a bikini and high heels.
Howard said hello Fred the Elephant Boy and talked to him for a minute. He asked Gary to come back in and help Hank with his headphones because they were falling off. He yelled at Gary about that even though Gary had done what he was asked to do.
Howard spoke to Jenteal who had never been on the show before. She said that Hank kind of smelled bad sitting there near him. She stood up and showed the guys her body. Gay Mickey Mouse told her she was beautiful so the guys pointed out that he was supposed to be gay. Howard was still having problems with headphones and stuff so he had to try and straighten that out. Hank thought he was going to get thrown out of there but Howard told him it wasn't him, it was the equipment he was upset with.
Howard got back to Jenteal and talked to her about how she got into the porn business. She told Howard she used to watch movies and stuff and used to get really attracted to the women in the movies. She said she was 15 the first time she had sex with a man and 17 when she had it with a woman. Jenteal said she loves having sex and anything to do with it now. She said her parents don't love it but they deal with it. She said her father has seen her movies on Playboy so he confronted her about it but they're okay now. Jenteal was saying that she had told her mother about the movies but her father didn't know about them until he saw that one on Playboy.
Howard told Hank that maybe he'd want to clean up his act. Hank said he gets laid and doesn't need to clean up. Howard asked him to say the ABCs for them so he did that quickly. Then Howard asked Crackhead Bob to say it. He went through it but it wasn't very clear.
Howard asked Elephant Boy about his gay experiences and found out that he didn't take it in the butt when he was experimenting. Elephant Boy said he had a good story about Gary as well but Howard kept on him about the gay stuff. He also took a call from Donald Duck which didn't work out so well. Howard hung up on him after about a minute. Howard asked Elephant Boy more about his gay experience and asked if he completed the gay act he had started. Fred didn't get too detailed about that.
Howard said that Mike Walker had bombed out on them this week with his gossip game so they were going to play on their own. They had Stuttering John read the stories instead. Here are the stories...
After the game Hank said he wanted to go change because he was getting cold. Gary told Howard that Garbage was there to perform as well so they could get to them. Howard thanked the Wack Packers for coming in and wrapped up with them. Crackhead Bob was pushing for the NY Jets to win and was very insistent that they were going to win. The guys talked to him about the Jets for a short time and he was saying stuff that pretty much no one understood. Gary got what he was talking about so he interpreted some of that for everyone else. Howard said he wanted to get to Garbage but he wanted to take a break first.
Howard said that they had this guy Duke there playing keyboards and they had just done a rehearsal during that break that sounded great. He introduced some of the other guys who were there to play in the band. He read some stuff about the guys in the band and one of the guys had produced Nirvana. Howard read that Duke was the one who banged a lot of chicks in the band. He asked him about that and tried to find out more about that. Duke has a nickname of Sir Shag-a-lot so they talked about that a little bit. Duke said they don't really call him that.
Howard asked Shirley if she bangs any of the guys in the band. She said she's actually married so she doesn't do that. Howard thought she kind of kept that a secret but she said that's not the case. She told Howard about how she got to see her father's genitals when she was young and he had a pretty big one so that's what she ended up finding in her man. Shirley said that a big penis is important to her and size really does matter. She said that any woman who doesn't believe that's true is lying.
Howard said he's pretty small in the pants but he knows how to make up for it in other ways. He said that Shirley says that when she was younger she used to cut herself up and scar herself because she thought she was ugly. Shirley said she thinks that a lot of girls suffer from that and do the same thing.
Howard read that Shirley thinks that John Goodman is an attractive man so he wondered what that was about. She said she can't explain that. She wasn't sure why that was. Howard changed subjects and asked the guys how they all met. The guys in the band said that they saw Shirley on MTV when she was on her own and that's when they got together and started this band.
Howard told Shirley that he'd like to have sex with her. She said that he might be able to make a deal with her husband because he's kind of open to things. Howard asked her about the kind of childhood she had. She said she had a great childhood but she was just kind of freaked out. She said her mother didn't let her get tampons so she freaked out and went to the rooftop and threatened to kill herself with a carving knife.
Howard said that the band's new album is out and he wanted to play a track off of it. The song was ''Special'' so Howard wondered if that was about him. He ended up talking to Shirley about her husband and found out he's an artist and sculptor so Howard said that means he just doesn't work. He read that Shirley is a big fan of Courtney Love's and she likes her so much that she'd scratch someone's eyes out if they bad mouthed her.
Howard read that Shirley used to sniff glue when she was young. She said that wasn't all that great and she doesn't recommend it to anyone. Howard also read that Shirley likes men to be smelly and likes to have men see her go to the bathroom and then have sex with her. Howard said he has a friend who has never seen his wife go to the bathroom. Shirley thinks that's very strange.
At one point Shirley told Howard she thinks she loves Howard. She said he understood her and what she was talking about so she really liked him. She was talking about why she didn't like the Spice Girls and he understood what she meant. Howard said that the new single from Garbage is ''Special'' so he played some of that. He said he was going to try and figure out what the song was about. He told Shirley she has a great voice as the song was playing. He listened to the lyrics and tried to figure out what it was about. He was telling Shirley what he'd do to her if he was with her. He said he'd wake her in the morning with fingers in a bad place. He asked her what the song was about. She said it was actually about a girl friend of hers that she thinks had betrayed her. Howard understood that whole thing too so he talked to her about that.
Howard said that he could probably get this chick into bed in 10 minutes. He figured he'd just bring her to Sky Bar and get her drunk. Shirley said she'd never go there. Howard changed his story and said he's just stay at home and watch TV instead. He asked them to perform their song and asked them if they wanted any of the Wack Packers to come in and dance. Shirley asked not to have that so Howard left them out. He had them perform the song ''#1 Crush'' from the ''Romeo & Juliet'' soundtrack a short time later.
After the band was done with the song Howard said Shirley must have been thinking about him while she was singing. He said he likes the drum machine they were using for that song. Howard asked the guy what that thing was. The guy said they had to borrow that from another band because their equipment was too big to get in there. Howard told them they sounded really good. He said that it's no wonder that the Shagmeister got laid to much.
Howard took a call from a guy who claimed that he had an orgasm during that song because it was so hot. The guy on the line sounded drunk to Howard but it turns out he had a head injury from getting hit by a drunk driver. Howard said it was obvious that the band was very big with head injured guys. He took another call from a woman who asked if they knew that the term ''die for you'' meant to orgasm in the 1800's. Shirley said that's not what it was about in the song but she also didn't mean that she'd want to actually die for someone.
Another woman asked if Shirley is an exhibitionist. She said that she did have her nipple pop out of her clothes one time during a show and the pictures were all over the web. Howard wrapped up with them a short time later and went to break.
A phone caller told Howard that he wasn't able to hear the interview at all. He said that he could hear the singing but not the interview. Howard said the engineers are always thrown off when they have a band in there. Scott the Engineer came in and said that it all sounded fine. He said they told the guys that they told the guy they had to give them level when they were on the microphone but it didn't happen. Scott said that he was using the wireless microphone but Howard told him that he didn't hold on to it, he just handed it over to him. Howard said that if the guys need help in there, they should ask for it.
Howard and Scott argued about that for a few minutes. Scott had excuses but Howard didn't like them and said he was going to demand some stuff from them. He told Gary that when he goes over to the band area he has to remember that Scott is overwhelmed and needs to help him. Gary asked Scott to keep facing them so he knows what's going on during that stuff. Howard said that even when Scott looks right at you, he forgets to turn microphones on so that doesn't help.
Howard said that from now on, every time a band sings in the band area, Gary is going to hold the hand held microphones next to the people. Gary said he understands even though he thinks it looks bad on camera. Howard said that he's had 20 bands on in there in the past month and no one can hear the problem. Scott said that Semisonic sounded just fine when they were in there. Howard asked Scott if he wants him to fire him. Scott said he didn't want that at all. He told the guys what he wants from now on and how overwhelmed Scott is in there. Howard told Gary that he is to wear a sign on his shirt that says ''Scott, please turn on my microphone. He said he obviously can't think straight.
Gary said they could have this guy Andre helping them out but Howard didn't want that either. He took another call from a guy who said that he could hear nothing during that interview. Captain Janks called in and said he has some experience in engineering. Scott sarcastically said that they should hire him then. Howard said he shouldn't laugh because he might just hire him. Gary said that Janks had to go that one step too far and say that the band didn't sound good. Howard let him go and brought up another story about Hank the Dwarf.
Howard asked for Hank to come in and explain his wet pants. He came in a short time later and needed help getting on the couch. Jackie laughed and said that God had a field day with that guy. Howard asked Hank about the wet pants. Doug told him not to sit because he was still wet. Hank said he didn't wet himself and sat right down. Doug told him to stand up again. Then he explained how Hank didn't remember he had two sets of pants on when he went to pee and ended up making a mess of himself.
Howard said he just wanted to thank Hank for coming in. He ended up talking to him for a couple more minutes. Doug said that Hank has to fly to Toronto and now he's going to smell like piss on his way up there. He didn't have time to get him cleaned up today. Doug said he can douse him in some cologne to try and cover him up. Howard said it's funny how proud Hank is of himself being all drunk.
Doug said that yesterday Hank ate the most food he's ever seen him eat... one slice of pizza. Howard thanked Doug for bringing him in and asked him to take him out. Doug had to walk Hank out of the studio so Jackie was goofing on him for being in show business and having only Hank as someone he manages. Jackie laughed pretty hard as he was walking out of the studio.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and let some people go off on Scott the Engineer's awful engineering. After that he had Robin go through her news. During the news they spent a short time talking about John Glenn going up into space and how he had to swallow a thermometer to keep track of his core temperature. A phone caller told Howard that someone has to go through his feces to find the thermometer at some point.
Howard said they had this woman Karen in the studio the other day getting a breast exam and she was on the phone to give them an update. Karen told Howard that she went to the doctor and he told her that she's just fine so he did a good job checking her.
Howard spent some time talking about Mel Karmazin's recent move taking over CBS. He was saying that Mel has an office there and he may be moving to the CBS building so that office will be free. Howard said he'd like that office so he'd have a place to crash and have meetings and stuff. Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:05am (Master Tape Theatre time).