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Howard started off the show saying that he saw the star of Heroes in the studio. George Takei was sitting in this morning. George congratulated Howard on two things this morning. He told him he was happy for his merger with Beth and the SIRIUS merger with XM. That led to Howard talking about how he got a card from Melissa Etheridge about his engagement with Beth. He read the note he got from her where she joked that she's not going to recognize her marriage since her marriage with her lesbian wife is unrecognized. Robin told Howard she was just joking around but he didn't seem to get it.
Howard joked that he was waiting for gay marriages to be recognized before getting married but Beth couldn't wait. He asked George if he's ever going to get married. George said that he and Brad are actually celebrating 20 years together already.
Howard talked to George about his role on ''Heroes'' and how great that is for him. George said that he is very happy that they get to speak scenes in Japanese on that show. He told Howard about some of the stuff he's been doing on that show. Howard told him that this show is possibly going to have the same kind of fan worship that Star Trek used to have. George said he's actually doing a convention soon where it'll be a Star Trek and Heroes convention. He said that Hayden Panettiere is going to be there with him. She plays the cheerleader on ''Heroes.''
George said he hasn't gotten to know too many people on that show because his shoots have only been one day each. Howard said he's actually gotten kind of friendly with the guy who plays the politician on the show, Adrian Pasdar. Robin told Howard that the guy who plays the father on that show was on ''Dynasty'' and played a gay guy on there. George said he's a real nice guy, he's bumped into him before even doing the Heroes show. He told Howard that he's shooting another episode soon.
George also told Howard that he's going to be doing this FOX improv show as well. He said it's a very funny thing that they do. He said they have no script, just an idea for the skit that they do. He said they will tell everyone that they're going to be in an operating room and they have to improv the whole thing. Howard asked George if he thinks that his appearances on his show have had an impact on that. George said that it absolutely does have something to do with that. He said that everyone tells him that they've heard him on Howard's show when he goes to do those other shows.
Robin asked George if he's upset he didn't start doing the show earlier. George said he did the show years ago and remembered waiting to come on and thought the show was very vulgar. Howard joked that Fred came to him and told him that he couldn't believe George was getting all of that work since he'd been on the show for 20 years and got nothing.
Howard told George that he thinks his role on that Heroes show is very good and he can see it growing into something bigger. He wondered if they signed him on cheap and got him stuck in a long term contract. George said that it's show by show but he thinks that they could improve the pay. He thanked Howard for what he's done for him after that.
Howard said he's not sure what to think but Fred seems to think that something is up. He said the sick season is bad but not ''that bad.'' Fred played Lou Reed's ''Heroin'' song so Howard got into that and listened before giving his thoughts on Artie.
Howard said he can't wait for Artie to have kids. They'll ask him and he'll have to tell them about his heroin use and stuff. Howard said he tells his kids how much he hated pot but did try it. He said his kids have asked about all of that stuff but he just tells them the way he felt about it. Gary said that you have to throw up some road blocks for the kids to kind of throw them off of that stuff.
Robin said that letting them know can kind of make them think that if Dad did it, it's okay for them to do it. Howard said he really doesn't know what to do with kids so he just goes with what he thinks is right. He said he doesn't know how to answer half of their questions. They're very emotional and he doesn't always know what to say to them. He asks them how they have time for feelings, he doesn't know feelings because he's too busy working.
Howard asked George if he's sad that he and Brad didn't adopt. George said they were already pretty well on by the time they met. He said he loves children. He brought his nephew to New York when he was a child and he wants to bring his nephew's children there now. Howard interrupted and asked George if he likes to kiss in public with Brad. George said they don't really do that stuff although he will grab his hand while walking down the street. He said Brad will pull away though.
Howard said he was out on Thursday night with his gay cousin and he was saying that if they're out they will hold hands in certain areas. There are other areas of the city that they're afraid of holding hands so they won't do it. George said that some people will get kind of hysterical when they see that stuff. George said it's a brave thing to do.
Howard said he was listening to the play back of the show where they had Martine Rothblatt on the show and Robin called him Siobhan at one point. Robin said that wasn't the case. She said that she was asking a question for Siobhan and it sounded like she was calling Martine Siobhan. Howard said that makes sense to him now. He didn't realize that when he heard it. George said he probably understood the mix-up. Howard said that's funny. He thought he heard it during the interview but didn't dwell on it.
Howard got back to Artie and said that he's got alarmingly fat lately. He said they have this special show coming up on Howard TV about Bubba's wedding. He said that show is going to air March 14th. He said they have tons of stuff in the show including a lot of interviews and behind the scenes stuff. He said that he was watching the show and Artie was at his heaviest and smoking a cigarette. He sees Artie eating all of this food lately and he knows that eating that much crap can make a person sick. He said Artie goes and works all weekend and doesn't regulate his work. He believes that Artie could very well be sick for real.
Gary told Howard that Artie didn't work this weekend though. George said that he's sat next to Artie and has seen him eating so much junk. He agrees with Howard about the bad food making someone sick. Robin said that Scott the Engineer is like that and he's hardly ever sick. Howard said everybody has a different constitution though. Gary said that Artie has been suffering more since they went to the 4 day work week. The more time he has off, the worse he seems to be.
Robin said that when a guy has to go out and find some tail, that can make it tougher on him too. Gary said that Artie doesn't have to go out to clubs and stuff. He met that girl he's been banging at one of his shows. Howard said that getting pussy used to keep him up late at night so he knows.
Howard said he couldn't get to sleep so he figured he could beat off to get to sleep. He timed it with the Ambien to get to sleep right after the beating off. George told him not to take that stuff but Howard said he had to or he would have been dead this morning. Howard said he really misses Beth when she's gone and he thinks there's something really wrong with him because of that.
Howard said he got his Ambien out and got out some porn. He said the movie he pulled out was called ''Believe It Or Not.'' He got that out, put the Ambien on the counter by the sink and timed it so he had about 15 minutes to beat off. He said one of the women in the movie had a face that could stop a car. He said he couldn't even beat off to her. He said the women eventually started eating each other out while working in this office they were in. He said the guy in the movie was just putting his hand on one of the girl's chest and stuff like that. That got George talking about how much he loves forearm hair. Howard seemed to get a little thrown off by that discussion.
Howard got back to his story and said he beat off and thought about throwing out his wet tissues and stuff. He figured he'd better do that before morning. He got up and threw them away. Then he cleaned up his porn and all of that. Then the Ambien kicked in and made him stop thinking about the chess game. He said he loves that stuff but he's got to be careful with it. George told him he should be doing exercise instead of taking the Ambien. He said you need something physically strenuous instead of drugs. Howard agreed with him and said all he did all Sunday was sit in front of the computer.
Howard asked Robin if she's glad the big bills are going away. She figured that she'll still have a big bill for the hospital thing. She said that was her last horse so after the big hospital bills, it will be going away. She said it was costing her thousands of dollars a month to take care of that.
King said that he hates when animals die. Robin said she got two new cats. She said they're Cornish Rex and she gave them the greatest names. She said they're two girls so Howard tried to guess at their names. Howard threw out a few names but didn't come up with the right ones. One is Brangelina and the other is Jennifer Aniston. She said she loves calling the cat Jennifer Aniston. Howard didn't seem to be too impressed with that but Robin said she loves it.
King asked Howard about the ring he got for Beth and if the diamond was enhanced or not. Howard said he doesn't know and didn't get into all of that when he bought it. King explained what it means and how he's pretty sure they wouldn't do that to Howard. Howard said Beth loves it so much so he doesn't care. King got back to Artie and said that they do random drug testing at his job. Howard said that's kind of funny, they drug test a street sweeper.
King said they caught a guy where he works last week. He said he and the guy were talking and they saw this black van coming toward them. King was telling the story but Howard told him to get to the point. King said the guy was taken by this van to get tested and they found that he was taking cocaine so they fired him. The guy was working there for 19 years and they fired him for using coke and all he was doing was raking. King said he was making about $67,000 for that job. Howard said he can't believe they'd do that to someone who had been working there for 19 years. They took away his pension and everything according to King.
Howard said that maybe they need to test Artie out with a urine test. King said that they had the tests within about a half hour after taking his friend away. Howard said they really need to do that with Artie. He took a call from a guy who said he saw Artie out at a car wash yesterday and he looked just fine. Howard wondered if the guy was telling the truth. The guy claimed he was but Howard still wasn't sure if he believed him or not.
Dominic Barbara called in and told Howard that they should have Artie's hair tested. They can find out exactly how long ago he was using drugs if they test his hair. He's even willing to send over the test kit that will allow them to test him. Dominic said that some guys beat it by shaving their heads. If that happens, they can get some pubic hair or even arm hair. Dominic said the police department do the hair testing all the time. The urine tests have to be done within 48 hours.
Dominic said he has compassion for Artie and hopes that he's not on anything. They talked more about Artie a little more and Dominic said he hopes he's okay. Howard said he was watching TV yesterday and saw a commercial for a lawyer where they were talking about some obscure thing that a small number of people could have gotten from a certain place. He talked about how awful that is.
Howard took a call from Johnny Mo who said that he can't figure out what's going on with Artie. He said the guy is making tons of money now and he's not sure why he'd screw this thing up. George said that it just shows how much they all care about Artie. Howard wondered if he should call Artie and ask him if he'll submit to giving a hair sample. Johnny said he's pretty sure that Artie won't even answer the phone. He told him to make the call though. Howard thanked him for that and let him go.
Howard mentioned that George Takei was sitting in. That led to George talking about this movie he shot last month and he plays the ninja master in a movie that's kind of like a Charlie's Angels type of thing. He said the girls are cheerleaders in high school but they also fight crime. The girls also want to go to Harvard so they make money working at a strip club. Howard said it sounds like it might be an interesting movie.
Howard played a new song parody with clips of George's voice, laughs and throat clearing in it. He told George that was some singing right there.
Howard asked Debbie about her experience on the show and how much she eventually went with. He was pretty sure that she was an idiot and blew it by the end of the show. He said they must have a farm where they grow morons to play that game because they always get greedy and blow it. Debbie said she was up on stage and her heart was racing very fast. She told Howard that she couldn't tell them exactly what she ended up with on that show. She just kept telling Howard how great his show is and how much her family loves it. Howard told her to call back when she's allowed to talk about it. She said that won't be until April 16th. He told her this was dumb to call in and not be able to talk about it.
Howard asked Debbie what she thinks is going to happen if she talks about this show. She said that they threaten to sue for a million dollars if she talks about it. She just kept talking about what she wanted to do on the show so Howard hung up on her. She said she's been calling in constantly telling Gary that Howard told her to call in and he doesn't remember ever doing that. He said she called up saying something happened to her but then she claims she can't talk. He thought it was ridiculous that she couldn't talk but called in anyway.
Howard mentioned that he's been watching this new Battlestar Galictica show lately. He said it's not geeky enough watching that show but they run commercials during the show where you can vote on stuff about the show. He said he doesn't do that but that's a very geeky thing to do. He said if he actually did that stuff, he'd give Robin permission to put him in Revenge of the Nerds.
Eric told Howard that he did kind of have something cool happen to him a couple of weeks ago. He said he couldn't talk about it then but he can talk about it now. He said he went down to L.A. To a WWE Pay-Per-View event as a guest of Johnny Fratto. He started to talk about that but Howard cut him off and said he had to go. He didn't want to hear about that.
Eric told Howard not to hang up on him. He started to talk about the conversation he had with Mel Karmazin last week but Howard cut him off by hanging up on him. He had George give them a quick announce before going to break.
Lisa also mentioned that the top 10 countdown of the best songs from the music special will be on tonight at 7 on Howard 101. It's being hosted by Cousin Brucie. Howard went into his Cousin Brucie impression and did a little bit of the countdown as Brucie. Fred was playing barking sounds as Howard was doing that. Gary came in and said that Jon Hein, who produced the show, wrote up a script and they had to go through every line and ''Bruce it up.'' Howard went back into his impression and got winded as he was doing it.
Howard got lightheaded from the Brucie impression. He had to stop but went right back into it as he created a Cousin Brucie talking to George Takei impression. Then he brought up how Scott the Engineer picked the songs that he thought were the worst of the bunch. Howard said he can't wait to hear Brucie tonight, he didn't realize it was coming up so soon.
Howard went to the Scott the Engineer list of the worst performances from the show. The first clip was Duff from Guns N Roses performing a song live in the studio that sounded just awful. He played that one and the guitar was out of tune and so was Duff's voice. That was Scott's first choice. His second one was Elijah Blue who came in and performed a song called ''Carrying Over.'' Howard played some of that one as well. Howard played the third worst song on Scott's list which was Chyna Doll singing ''Holiday.'' Robin said that was a great song though. It wasn't horrible. Howard said that they could argue that it's the greatest song of all time. He played through the whole song and pointed out his favorite parts. He likes the part where she yells out ''You should be with your FAMILY anyway...'' That got Fred doing his Herman Munster impression.
The fourth worst song was Enrique Iglacias who performed ''Rhythm Devine'' live in the studio. Howard played a little bit of that to show just how bad that performance was. He wasn't able to hit the notes he was supposed to. Howard said the guy was a nice guy. Robin said he seems to have gotten out of the music business. Howard played a fifth song on Scott's list which was Motley Crue performing ''Afraid.'' It sounded to Robin like it was Scott's fault with the bad mix.
Jason picked David Lee Roth doing a medley of songs on the show as his worst pick. Howard played some audio of that performance and mentioned that CBS is probably upset that they fired Dave because he had higher ratings than the current morning team over there. He got back to playing that medley of songs that Dave performed and it was kind of sad. Robin said that's why she didn't want to see a Van Halen reunion. During that performance Howard points out that it didn't sound like Dave did much acoustic stuff. Dave goes into another song which didn't sound quite as bad as Panama did.
Howard replayed the song parody that they played earlier where they put George's laughs, comments and throat clearings into a Led Zeppelin song. Howard also asked George to give them a quick announce so George went into that. Howard said they were very smart to have gotten George as the announcer. They talked about the stuff George had just read. Fred had to admit that he was the one who wrote it.
George got in a plug for a book he read that he really loved called ''Blood and Thunder'' and compared that to Fred's writing of that announce he had just done.
Howard said there was a great ad for SIRIUS in the paper over the weekend. He read through the ad and they talk about the merger. They answer some questions about the merger and basically talk about how great the merger could be for both services. They're just trying to make their customer's happier. They answered a bunch of questions in that ad and it all makes the merger sound very positive.
The caller said that he's afraid that the merger is going to make congress nervous and Howard's name being brought into it could make things worse. Howard said that he'll step aside if that will allow the merger to go through.
Howard read a disturbing article about John Ashcroft and just how shady the government is. He said Ashcroft sent a letter to the Attorney General talking about how wrong he thought this merger was a bad idea. Then Howard read (Ashcroft offered services to XM - WSJ) that Ashcroft went to XM and offered to be their consultant. He was turned down but then was hired by the NAB (National Association of Broadcasters) and went to their side in this whole merger thing. He said he has no convictions and he's working for the side that paid him. Robin said he's using that position he's in as his hammer to hammer away at the competition and that's just wrong. Howard said that terrestrial radio is just terrified by the satellite thing because their product stinks.
Howard said he saw a poll in Us magazine where they asked women if they would marry Howard Stern. He wanted Robin to guess how many said no. She guessed 66 percent said no but Howard said it was actually 79 percent.
Howard said that Tyra Banks has started a new bit on her show called ''So What'' and it's very disturbing. They'll have a 400 pound woman on the show and basically say ''so what'' and tell her that's fine to be 400 pounds. Howard played a clip from her show where Tyra talks about how brave everyone in the audience is by wearing their weight on their chest. Howard said a bigger bunch of lemmings you can't find other than at Oprah's house. He said this is backwards thinking at it's best. Howard said that Tyra should be wearing a sign that says that she's just an unhealthy pig. He continued to play the clip where Tyra tells the fatsos to embrace their bodies and stop obsessing on their weight.
Robin said that this woman made a living from her looks and now she's telling them it doesn't matter. Howard continued playing the audio from Tyra's show and pointed out how crazy the cheering was on that show. He asked George if he could scream like the women on that show. George let out a couple of screams that weren't very far off. Howard would throw out a line and George would scream at the top of his lungs. Howard got a laugh out of that.
Tyra has her audience yelling out their weights like they're proud that they're over weight. That got George and Robin talking about how unhealthy that is to think that you can be very overweight and be proud of that. It's unhealthy thinking according to them. Tyra spoke to one woman who said that she was thinking of killing herself because of her weight but she read an article that Tyra was involved with and changed her mind.
Howard played another clip where the audience members got up and talked about being fat and ''so what'' for each thing they said. One woman said her thighs rub together, so what. Howard read that Tyra has a ''so what'' bracelet that she gives to her audience members. George threw in a ''I can't breathe, so what'' pointing out what being overweight can mean to people.
In one clip Tyra was bragging about being the first black woman on the cover of Sports Illustrated. That led to the guys talking about how she's barely black, she looks like a white woman with dark skin. Howard took a call from a guy who said that his wife is over 250 pounds and she's been watching that show so she's giving him the ''so what'' thing. He wondered if she should be putting up with that crap. Howard told him that he shouldn't and maybe he should be saying ''i wipe feces on my face, so what'' to his wife.
Howard got back to the Tyra show where she's going on and on about how her cover of SI empowered other women. She also talked to another woman who told her how great she was and celebrated her as if she was something special. Gary said they went back and looked at the cover of SI and saw that she wasn't even on it alone, she was on the cover with a white woman.
Sal came in and said he was just in the bathroom so he didn't know what the question was that they were trying to figure out the answer for. Howard told him that they were wondering about the Africa question and where the slaves came from. Sal said he didn't quite have it but Fred had looked it up and it was the west coast area of Africa.
Howard played another clip where Sal asked who the first black Major League Baseball player was. The black guy didn't know, he thought it was Hank Aaron. Howard said this guy was a dumb motherfucker. Sal asked him who popularized the term ''black power.'' The black guy thought it was James Brown.
Howard said there was an article in Blender magazine where they talk about why James Brown was a great man. They had a list of things about Brown and his wife that were pretty wild. His third wife once claimed diplomatic immunity because she was with the ambassador of soul. Howard thought that was pretty funny and told everyone about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw the Anna Nicole Smith funeral and it was kind of like watching a redneck event. He said it was pretty bad. That got the guys talking about the death of Anna Nicole and all of the stuff that's been going on with that. Howard said that he feels bad for this Larry Birkhead guy because if that kid is really his kid, this is like a kidnapping with Howard K. Stern. George said he thinks that Howard K. Stern is a ''sleezoid'' and really doesn't like him. Howard said he knows, they've had that guy on the show before.
The guys talked about how they may never know who the real father of that baby is. The caller on the line asked Howard what Mama Lookaboobooday would have to say about that Tyra Banks stuff. Howard told the guy that he was off today and wouldn't be commenting on that story. He had to go to break after having George give them another announce. George talked about Howard's engagement to Beth and the nice ring he got her. George asked Artie for the diamond he bought for Dana and asked his cuddly love muffin to help him out.
Cabbie was supposed to be in the contest but he's got other things going on so he can't be involved. That led to Cabbie telling people about why he can't be in it on ''the boards'' so Joey Boots already knows that he's going to be out of it because Cabbie isn't part of it. Gary said Cabbie can't keep anything quiet and just goes around telling everyone everything that goes on.
Howard had the guys bring in Cabbie so they could talk to him about all of that. George was suggesting that they have Richard Christy fill in for Cabbie instead. Cabbie came in and Howard said he had gotten really big. Cabbie said that Gary was wrong about this stuff. He said he brought this up with Artie back in November and said he wanted to do a weight loss challenge thing. Cabbie said that Shuli was out there accusing him of blurting out show information on the boards and he was all worked up over that. He had to drink some water and try to calm down.
Cabbie said that he didn't even know that Joey Boots was in the contest until he spoke to Gary. Gary said that he did go out and post information from their conversation on the web. Cabbie said he didn't post stuff from the conversation, he posted that stuff before the conversation. Gary said Cabbie was begging to be in the contest and this all came about because he's not allowed to be in it.
Cabbie claims that he put this offer out back in November and when they didn't respond, he had to go out and do stuff on his own. Howard asked him if he was on meds or something. Cabbie said he is but this stuff is so small compared to the other stuff he has going on in his life. Howard asked him if his TV set is talking to him again. Cabbie said he's not smoking crack like he was back then.
Howard asked Cabbie if he thinks that Artie is back on drugs. Cabbie said he thinks he's got issues but it's not his place to say anything to him. He said Artie has to figure things out on his own. He said Artie being out of work is addict behavior.
Shuli came in and said that Cabbie was on the boards telling people that he was going to be on the show on Monday and he was gloating over that and other stuff. Cabbie told Shuli that he's been doing this game a long time and he doesn't know what he's doing. He pointed out that Cabbie was on the boards bragging about being on the show but maybe he should have been bragging about doing his radio show once a week on SIRIUS. Cabbie threatened to eat Shuli's nose off his face and wanted to take him outside and beat the crap out of him.
Cabbie said he's got something good going on now. Cabbie said that he's on this weight loss program and then Gary told him he wasn't supposed to plug it on the air there. Cabbie said that he did agree not to bring it up but he knows that Gary told Joey Boots that he was doing that so he wasn't going to be part of that whole thing.
Howard got a hold of the post that Cabbie had made and read a little bit of that. It was from early Sunday morning before he and Gary had spoken on the phone. Cabbie posted that he wasn't going to be able to participate in the contest. Gary thought Cabbie was using part of their conversation but Cabbie said it was posted before their conversation.
Joey Boots called in and said that he knew that Cabbie was doing the other thing when he saw the link in his posting. He said Gary never told him exactly what Cabbie was doing like Cabbie was accusing him of doing. Cabbie got in a few plugs for that product he was promoting during the conversation even though Gary had asked him not to plug it. Cabbie goofed on Joey about being on welfare, which Boots denies, and kept goofing on him. Cabbie kept mentioning the product, MyI57.com and Gary kept telling him not to plug it.
Cabbie said that he was really depressed for a while so that's why he gained so much weight back. He asked Howard to please ask Shuli to leave because he talks shit and he didn't come there to hear it. Shuli said that it's ridiculous that Cabbie is denying that he's gotten a lot of help from the show. Cabbie said he doesn't deny that. Shuli and Cabbie went back and forth arguing over each other about that stuff but even Robin wasn't sure what it was all about. She had no idea what they were arguing about.
Gary asked Cabbie about the porn video and if he went on the Ron and Fez Show and offer to sell the video to the Opie and Anthony show. Cabbie said that's not true but Gary said he had a lot of people write him telling him that's what happened. Cabbie wanted to hear the tape or see a transcript.
Cabbie said he's working over at Free FM and he's got to kind of be on their side in things. He said he was asked to go on that Ron and Fez show before doing his shift over there. He said he talked about how he was going to be on after their show and they brought up the porno movie. He said he talked about that but Gary wanted to know if he apologized for it or said he wasn't sorry he had done the porn movie in Howard's old studio. Cabbie said he is very sorry that Howard felt betrayed by that porn movie. Gary interrupted and asked Cabbie why he would ask Howard if he could still sell the tape if he really was sorry. Cabbie said he was just joking when he asked Howard if he could sell it. Cabbie claims that he never said that he wanted to sell the tape to Opie and Anthony.
Cabbie admits that he did something stupid by filming that porno in Howard's studio. He felt like an ass after doing it. He tried explaining how all of that came about but they got on the subject of him not paying his taxes and Cabbie went off on Shuli about that. Shuli was sorry that he did the benefit for Cabbie after going through all of this. Howard said that Shuli went and did the show after being asked to do it by Bob Levy and Artie. He wondered why he would be mad at him after all of that. Cabbie said that Shuli just rubs him the wrong way. Shuli said he's going to be in his face all day as a reporter. Cabbie told him to come over to his house and maybe he'll just fuck him in the ass after breaking him so he can't run away.
Gary asked Cabbie what the real reason was for not releasing the porn video. Cabbie said he was embarrassed by it. Gary thought that maybe someone had spoken to him about it and warned him not to release it. Howard heard that's what the case was but Cabbie said it was just his embarrassment. He said he went to Tom Chiusano over at Free FM and apologized for it over there.
Cabbie said he's got some good things coming up and he's doing a TV show but he can't talk about that stuff at this point. He's got his job over at Free FM and the job there at SIRIUS too so he's doing good. Cabbie said that Tim Sabean asks him why he doesn't come by more often. Cabbie said he's just not there very often. He was also bragging that he was bringing this new sponsor to Howard's show but Shuli pointed out that it hasn't happened yet. Cabbie said they will buy advertising thanks to him. Shuli asked Cabbie if he tells Ron and Fez how much he misses Howard. Cabbie said he never trashes Howard on the air. Howard told Shuli it was enough and told him to leave the studio. Shuli told Cabbie to go sell out as he was walking out.
Cabbie and George talked about the gay thing since Cabbie was complaining about Shuli calling him a fag. George told him not to let anyone call him that. Cabbie said he doesn't care, they can call him whatever they want. Cabbie had shaved his head so Howard asked him what was up with that. Cabbie said he did it after Britney Spears did it just so he could try and get on the cover of the NY Post.
Dan the Song Parody Man called in and told Howard that Cabbie really loves him. He said it seems that Howard will do anything to stay friendly with Cabbie. He doesn't boot Cabbie out of there even after seeing Cabbie in his studio with the OJ mask being violated by Ron Jeremy. Howard wondered how Cabbie could have done that to him if he was a friend of his. Cabbie said he was sorry but Howard told him that the apologies were kind of empty. Howard told him that he had won and was still his friend even after doing all of that stuff.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Cabbie is full of shit when he talks about this Gulf War Syndrome thing. Cabbie said this guy doesn't know his story and told him to go on with his nonsense. Howard kind of cut him off and said that Cabbie does make some poor decisions in his life. Cabbie said he knows that. He also talked about how he knows he has a lot of issues and he's had them for a long time.
Cabbie and the caller talked about the Gulf war a little bit. The caller was in the service and claimed that his disability isn't all that bad and it's nothing compared to others. Cabbie said that this guy doesn't know his story and he can't tell him he doesn't have the history. Cabbie started to talk about the stuff he's gone through in his life that made him the way he is. He sounded like he was starting to cry so Gary got on his mic and gave him a ''WAHHH!'' Howard told Gary to cut it for a second, he didn't want him doing that to Cabbie. Cabbie continued talking about the stuff that he went through.
Gary came in and said that Cabbie does talk about this stuff on the show whenever he comes on. Cabbie said he doesn't do that. Then he talked about how he was huffing gas and smoking crack as a kid so he's been through a lot of stuff. Cabbie said that no one knows what rolls around in his head and they shouldn't be commenting on him. Cabbie said it really bothers him when someone like Shuli comes in and talks shit about him. Shuli returned to the studio and said he wasn't going to say anything but he brought his name up again. He said they've heard all of the stuff about him in the military before.
Jessica Hahn called in and told Cabbie he sounded like a cry baby talking about his mommy and daddy hitting him. Cabbie said he was only talking about it because he was asked about it. He also claimed that he wasn't faking the crying he was doing like Shuli thought he was. Fred said that everyone was kind of looking past the fact that Cabbie was adopted. They're coming down on him really hard.
Howard said Cabbie exhibits poor decision making in the stuff he does. He's mentally ill. Cabbie admitted that he is. Howard said he's got a lot of things that he has to work on. Howard said Cabbie has done a lot of stuff for the show over the years. Cabbie started to cry again and said he really appreciates that he's been allowed to work near Howard. He said he knows he's a legend and he knows he fucked up and shot that porno in the studio. He said he's going to regret that for the rest of his life.
Howard said that he can give Cabbie a pass here and there. He's always good on the show and makes it entertaining. He said he knows that Cabbie is mentally ill and he thinks that's why he makes these bad decisions. He said because of that, he wants to keep him coming to the show. Robin said she's also mentally ill but she hasn't gone to therapy in years. Howard said that Cabbie has been pretty exemplary to the show over the years. He said he's not sure how many more fuck-ups he can take but he knows that he's working on his problems. Robin wondered if he learns from his mistakes. Howard isn't so sure about that. He said his trust is already broken with Cabbie so he has to watch himself now.
Robin wondered if Cabbie has ever made the same mistake twice with them. Howard said he doesn't think that's the case. He seems to learn. Howard wrapped up with Cabbie and told him he hopes that he gets more shifts there at SIRIUS. Bob Levy called in and asked Cabbie why he always has to ask why people are talking shit about Vets when they attack him. He also told Cabbie that Shuli helped him out at that fund raiser thing so he really shouldn't attack them like that.
Cabbie said that the message board over at SternFanNetwork.com is kind of a problem. If you say something negative about someone, you get booted out of there. He said that's not freedom of speech and that's what Howard promotes. He said that he loves the site but there also other sties out there that let you say anything you want. He said he goes on TheSternShowNetwork.com where you can say anything you want. He also got in a plug for that weight loss thing he was talking about earlier before Howard wrapped up. George Takei let cabbie know that if he just lost a little weight, he'd be a hunk. Howard went right to break after that.
Howard had a Star Trek trivia question for everyone. He asked what the name of Sulu's child was. Fred guessed that it was Houdini because any kid that came from a gay man has to be a magician. George said that child was from Sulu, who was not gay. Howard said the kid was born in 2270. George gave Robin a clue and said the first letter of the name was D. Robin still didn't know the name. She guessed a couple of times but didn't get it. George told her it was actually Demora.
George explained how someone wrote a book about how that character came about and how Sulu had knocked up a broad in a one night stand with a ''Glamazon'' woman. George said that he finds out the history of his character through movie scripts and novels. He explained how the woman Sulu knocked up was Amazonian in stature and she was going to have that baby no matter what.
Howard said he wants to go to a Star Trek Convention and stand behind him in full Star Trek uniform. He just wants to stand there and not say anything. Captain Janks called in and said he had the answer to that trivia question but they had already done it. Howard told Janks to come up with a question for George then. Janks asked him a question about Tuvok and asked how old he's supposed to be. George said that's a little far out there for him to answer. George said he's not sure of that one. Howard said he would like to be at the conventions with George so he could phaser them during questions like that.
He took another call from a guy who asked if he's a man or a woman. He said it seems like he likes to get fucked by the people who work with him. He pointed out that Cabbie posts pictures and stuff from that whole porno thing and screws him over. Howard said he forgave Cabbie about that stuff and he hears other things about him and they turn out not to be true so it's all one, big mess. He said he does believe that Cabbie is very, very ill with that mental illness of his. He doesn't really trust him anymore though. He said he can forgive some people and not others.
Fred said he thinks that Howard was very fair with Cabbie and with some people you just let that kind of stuff go. Howard and the caller talked about that whole thing for a short time. Howard said in this case he's forgiving Cabbie and that's the way he thought he should handle it. Howard said Cabbie is not a bad guy, he's just mentally ill and can't make good decisions.
Sal said he called two people who were selling Nissan Sentras and put them on the line together. Then one guy freaks out so Sal calls a third guy who is selling the same car and puts all three of them on together. Howard played the call after Sal explained it to him. In the call the two guys with Sentras have no idea what's going on. One guy hangs up after he went nuts so Sal called him back and put him on with another guy. Howard told Sal that was a good call. Robin agreed of course.
There was another clip from back stage at the comedy show where Bob Levy was trying to get Beetlejuice to say ''Act like a man'' from The Godfather. Beetlejuice wouldn't repeat that line, he kept saying other things instead. Sal told Howard that Beetlejuice talks to himself in the bathroom so he taped him doing that in the airport bathroom. Beet doesn't even know he's doing it, he just talks to himself about a bunch of things while he's peeing.
Howard heard that Beetlejuice's pants fell down when he was walking through the airport. Shuli said they went through security and the woman told him that his balls were hanging out so Beet asked if she wanted him to put them in her cup. He also had three t-shirts in his pants trying to hold them up by stuffing them. Sal also said that Beet was drinking a diet Coke telling him that it's better for him. Then he's ripping open 4 packs of sugar and pouring them into the Coke. Beetlejuice also gets upset when fans want to take pictures with him and actually chased a guy down after he took a shot.
Shuli mentioned that stuff will be in the news and also asked Howard if he knows what today is in Howard Stern History. He said it happened in 2001. It turns out it was the final walk out for Jackie the Joke Man. He left the show this day in 2001. Howard said it's hard to believe it's been 6 years already. They also pointed out that Artie was out on this day, 6 years later, so maybe they need to find a replacement for him.
Howard went to Jon Hein who gave a rundown of what they'd be covering today on The Wrap Up Show. He mentioned Artie's absence from the show and George Takei sitting in. They'll have George sitting in on the Wrap Up Show. They'll also be talking about Cabbie's visit to the show. Howard said he was talking to Jon last night on the phone after Jon asked him about how he had screwed up a chess game of his own. Howard went over that with Jon and tried to help him out. That led to George saying the hasn't played in a long time and he'd like to get started again. Howard told him to go to ChessClub.com and download something called Blitzen which will allow him to play online. Howard joked that after he and Jon talked about that, they got stuffed into a locker.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him how funny the Howard TV Episode was where Sal was dancing around with the Gary mask on. Howard said it really is something you have to see because it's not the same on radio. The caller asked if he could get a tour of the studio there. Howard asked Gary how booked up they were. Gary said they had about 8 guys booked already. Howard said that this was going to be the last guy then.
Howard read some e-mail and found one where a guy claimed that every car he tows for AAA has SIRIUS in it. He also got some feedback about Mel Karmazin's testifying last week. There was one guy who said Mel looked like an older Baba Booey. Howard said he knows Mel did a great job and he's very proud of him for that. He also read some mail about Martine Rothblatt, the inventor of SIRIUS, who was in hast week. People thought that she was very good on the show.
Howard said someone asked if they were going to see Artemis Pyle on the show anytime soon. Howard said he's pretty sure they'll get that up eventually. There was also some e-mail feedback about Andrew ''Dice'' Clay's visit last week. Someone wrote in and told them to make sure they hold on to Riley Martin no matter what it costs. There was also some feedback about that religious guy, Bill Keller, who was on last week. A lot of people thought it was a good interview. Howard said they may give him a show and maybe let him talk to the Wack Packers about their problems. Howard read some feedback about Richard talking about picking his nose. People weren't so thrilled about that or his other hygiene issues.
Howard mentioned that Heroes is going to be off the air for six weeks starting in April and then they're going to end up going up against Dancing with the Stars. Howard doesn't think they have anything to worry about as far as the ratings go but they are worried according to what he read. Jon Hein said that tonight is the last episode of Heroes before they take their hiatus. They're going to be off for six weeks and he's thinking that they may do even better after that. They're replacing that show with the improv show that George is going to be part of for that six weeks that they're off. George mentioned that he was told to practice up on his Samurai Sword skills but he's not sure how they're going to use that in Heroes.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to pitch a business idea to him but he couldn't take the guy's accent. The guy said he wanted to meet with Gary off the air and wouldn't say what it was. He had some other news for them and joked that the Pope was for the use of condoms after seeing some pictures of Sal and Richard. Howard didn't think the joke was funny and also thought his accent was fake so he hung up on the guy.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. She went through a bunch of stories and then Howard wrapped up the show around 10:45am. He ended up starting a commercial but coming back to play a little preview of the Cousin Brucie special they're running tonight on Howard 101 at 7pm. Howard had some fun goofing on his delivery for a short time after that. This time he put some echo on his voice to match what Cousin Brucie was doing with his voice.
Howard started off the show saying he was having a hard time keeping track of everything in his computer. He had a ton of things to get to and said any radio show would love to have the back log of bits that they do. He went on to introduce George Takei who was sitting in all this week. Howard said he started watching Heroes last night but only got about half way through it. George appears in that episode. Howard had him do an announcement for them before moving on. George was talking about Beth's engagement ring and asked Artie if he still had his diamond because he'd like to have one as well.
Artie was back after being out sick yesterday. Artie said that he just realized that the only guy who didn't abandon him is someone with balls. Howard asked George if he's got a dog because Artie doesn't like dogs. He never liked Dana's dog too much. Robin asked Artie not to be out sick anymore because it causes a lot of controversy. Artie said he's not surprised with his past. He said he hears from a lot of people when he gets sick and doesn't show up for work.
Howard said he took a load of shit yesterday talking about how he thought he might be really sick. He knows that Artie is out of shape and probably gets sick from being overweight and unhealthy. Howard said Robin told him that she feels there's something going on there other than him just getting sick. Fred felt the same way. Artie said that Fred also said that he liked the Dice show. Fred told Howard to hold onto that clip for the next time Dice is on. Artie said he just needed a come back, he didn't have a problem with Dice's show.
Robin said that Benjy was saying that Artie doesn't miss work when he's on heroin, he only missed work when he was trying to get off the stuff. Artie said that's true. Howard said he might be kind of blind to that and is kind of naive when it comes to that stuff. He can't see Artie falling back into that again. He asked Artie if he is on heroin or not. Artie said he is not, he was genuinely sick. He said he's had a bad cold for most of the winter that he can't get rid of. Robin wondered where his cough and sniffles were. Artie said he's on a cough suppressant so that's why he's not coughing. He's got a cough spray and may have taken too much of that.
Howard asked Artie if he worked this weekend. Artie said he didn't work and slept almost all weekend. He woke up at about midnight on Sunday and just couldn't make it into work on Monday morning. He said he called Gary while he was on his way into work. He figures that Gary is kind of upset that he answers because he doesn't get a voice mail that way. They can't goof on him if he does that.
Howard told Artie about the hair testing they wanted to do on him. Artie said they can take the hair if they want but he's afraid of seeing what kind of drugs they're going to come up with when they test it. He figured that they'd be able to tell everything he's ever taken that way. George asked Artie about his forearm hair because yesterday he was talking about how turned on he gets by that hair. Howard played a clip of him talking about his first gay experience with a camp counselor and how his forearm air was golden and on a tanned arm. He said he gets turned on whenever he sees that kind of hair. George was 13 at the time and the camp counselor was 18.
George said he had to clarify something. He said he was talking about how he was the fertilizer that made his career but some people took that wrong and thought he meant that he was shit. He meant to say that he was the nourishment that got his career going again.
Howard was playing some Tyra Banks ''So What!'' audio clips from yesterday's show. He had to explain to Artie what that was all about. On Tyra's show she was telling people that even though they were 400 pounds, ''so what.'' Howard said that when his thighs were rubbing together, Robin told him he was in trouble and he needed to do something about it. Howard had a few clips from Tyra's show that he played. They had also recorded some of their own clips where they had women talking about their bodies and saying ''so what'' after claiming that their ass cheeks hung over the side of the toilet and things like that. Artie said that he's a heroin addict, so what!?
Jessica Hahn called in and said that she thinks that Artie would walk off the show if they took his hair to test it. Artie said he was saying no earlier when they were talking about it. He wouldn't want people to know about all of the stuff that he's taken in his life. He said it would be too depressing. Howard said he's heard from some people that Artie is back on something but he's not sure if that person is right or not. He said it's really not his place to say anything to Artie. He did ask him to swear on the life of Grandma Caprio that he's not on anything. Artie swore on his grandma that he's not using any type of drug at all. Other than the over-the-counter stuff he's on for his cold, he's not using any drug.
George asked if Artie has ever lied before. Howard and Robin told him that Artie has lied before. Maybe he's not lying now. Artie said that his grandma actually has a little pneumonia right now so it would be a bad time to swear on her life.
Artie missed the show yesterday so Howard and George were filling him in on the Cabbie story. They talked about Cabbie crying and some of the stuff they went over during that interview. Cabbie was acting kind of strange with his crying and they found out that he used to huff gasoline fumes back then.
Jessica said that she still thinks that Artie has a problem and she wants them to test him. She doesn't think that he's going to go for it though. Artie said he really doesn't need to go back and find out about everything that he'd done in his life. Artie was under the impression that the hair test could tell everyone what he's done in the past 25 years.
Artie said that yesterday he could have taken off the 25th anniversary of John Belushi's death. Howard said some people picked up on that in the e-mail and told him that might be the reason he was off. He read through some e-mail about that. Artie interrupted and said that he would go into a rehab center for 28 days if they wanted him to. Robin said she was watching Artie chowing down like there was no food in America yesterday. He looked like he was choking himself according to Robin.
Jessica said that it was pretty huge that Artie was saying he would go to rehab for 28 days. Howard asked him why he doesn't just go to a psychiatrist a few days a week. Jessica said this is huge and people rarely say stuff like that. Artie said he would do it just to get some more rest every day. He could wake up later every morning if he's in rehab.
Howard read through more email and people are saying that he has a problem and someone has to do something about it. Someone thinks that Artie wanted out of his contract so that's why he was missing work. One guy said Artie is constantly complaining about the hours he has to work. Artie said that part is true. People are finding Artie annoying when he complains about the hours. Howard said he complains about the hours himself. Howard continued to read through the mail and found one where a guy claimed that Artie has joined Al Qaeda and he's training on his days off. There was one email where someone picked up on the anniversary of John Belushi's death.
Artie said he doesn't think that anyone is happy with the early morning schedule. Howard said that's true. They all complain about it. He went on to say that he and Gary had a conversation about Artie last night and Gary was hearing from some people who claimed that Artie was back on drugs but he didn't dig deep and find out if they had any proof.
Robin said she didn't know Brucie and thought that Howard was making up a lot of that stuff but it turns out that he's spot on with the impression. Howard said Brucie was working with Jon Hein on the special and he warned him that he was going to sound like he screwed up a line but it was just his Brucifying the show. He played the clip and Brucie is talking up the AC/DC ''You Shook Me All Night Long'' but said ''You Shook Me All Night Lange'' and then corrected himself. That was a mistake he made on purpose.
Robin was amazed at the amount of echo that Brucie uses on his voice. Gary said he's actually trademarked that kind of echo on his voice. Howard went into his impression again and continued to goof on Brucie a little bit. He was even putting his hand over his ear like Brucie does. He then played a little more of Brucie talking up another song in the special that ran last night. Howard went right back into his impression for a few more seconds after that.
Artie said he remembers riding in the car with his mother going to school and she used to listen to Harry Harrison in the car. He said it sounded like they were broadcasting from a cave with the amount of echo they used on the show. He was also saying that they should have had Jon arguing with Brucie about the way he was doing the talking up of the songs. They may have gotten some good clips of him if they had done that.
Howard told Artie about this porn guy who likes to talk about what he's doing when he drops his loads. The guy's name is Nick Manning. Artie thinks that guy is funny so Howard had some more clips for him to hear. He played some of those where the guy is giving every detail about dropping his loads on these women he's banging. Howard said they actually had to edit the clips down because the guy talks so much. In the clip he was playing the guy was talking about cumming on her face and then letting out a big groan and saying he was dropping loads all over her.
Howard said he'd want that guy to shut up if he was watching a porn movie and saw that going on. As he was talking about that he played a song parody where they have clips of that guy in ''On the Road Again'' and they sing ''Dropping Loads Again.'' Artie said he'd like to see that guy doing stuff like dropping loads on other things. Gary told Howard that Nick Manning is the guy who called into the show one time and proposed to Tabitha Stevens.
Howard went to a caller who said that George wasn't in the show last night so he's wondering if he's going to be on the show in April. George said he will be returning. The caller also asked if his character knows that his son, Hiro, has special powers. George said as far as he knows, he does not know about the special powers. Howard said he gets annoyed with the guy who plays Hiro on that show and he can't wait for him to get off the screen.
Gary said there's a lot of arguing going on out in the office about how they should give up the team member. Howard wants to let Artie pick someone. Artie said he's working for the next few weekends so he may not be able to lose any weight this month. Howard asked Artie who he wanted on his team. He gave him the list of guys on Tim's team. Artie was going to go with Jon Hein so Benjy freaked out because he doesn't think he can lose much weight.
Benjy said that if Jon tries to lose weight and lose a lot of pounds, he could die. Jon said he can do this but he won't be starving himself. Howard asked Artie if he's really going with him. Artie said he's going by who he thinks needs the money the most. Jon needs it the least so he's going with him on his team. Jason said he'd love to be on Artie's team if Artie was going to take this seriously. He knows he's not so he doesn't want to be on his team.
Gary said he thinks that Benjy will be able to move on to the finals because the person who loses the most on the losing team gets to move on. Artie said that he's going to be on the road and there's no way he's going to be able to lose weight if he keeps up on that stuff.
Howard got in a plug for the sponsor of the contest which is Cylaris weight loss. He wanted to get everyone weighed in after that. Gary called over Tim's team to get weighed in. Benjy wanted to weigh in with no clothes on. There was some controversy over that but they just made each person take their shoes off. First up was Tim who came in at 265 pounds. Brian Phelan came in at 243 pounds. The guys had to ask Scott the Engineer to remove a bunch of stuff from his body. He came in at 264 pounds. Jason got on the scale and came in at 271 pounds.
Artie's team was up next. Artie was only at 286 pounds and he was upset that it wasn't more. Jon Hein got on the scale and came in at 255 pounds. Mike Gange got on the scale and came in at 247. Benjy, who was drinking water all morning, weighed in at 267.
Benjy thought that the scale was off and he wanted to weigh Tim in again. They put him back on the scale and found the same weight. They'll all be on the same scale every week so it should be okay. The guys are going to be weighed in every week for 8 weeks. Tim was kind of upset that Artie got to take Jon Hein. He was going to give up Brian Phelan to Artie's team.
Benjy is ready to start the diet and he'll be using that Cylaris stuff to lose his weight. He said he's been eating all kinds of crap over the past few days trying to gain as much weight as possible for this challenge. He said he will eat and then go to the bathroom and start all over again. Howard told Artie about this special that the Howard TV guys put together about the Bubba wedding. He said that you get to see Benjy and his girlfriend in that show and it's very entertaining.
Benjy asked if they could do something on the side for Artie to lose some weight. He suggested that they make Artie get naked or something. Artie said he doesn't want that. Howard suggested that they make Artie get his hair tested if his team loses. Artie said he doesn't want any extra motivators.
Lisa G came in and said they'll have a report about the Battle of the Blobs contest and they'll be covering everything from if they'll be cheating and even their bathroom habits. Lisa said that some people are happy they're on Artie's team because he might just pay them off. Howard wanted to see if Artie was going to be able to do this so he offered him some Linden's cookies. Artie said he'd take them and a Hawaiian punch.
Lisa said they're going to be talking to a guy who claims that Artie saved his life talking about his heroin addiction. That was it for her update so Howard let her go and moved on.
Howard said he agrees that she shouldn't have been thrown off but now there's another girl on the show who has pictures out on the web of herself nude. Howard said the difference is that her pictures were private and she never expected them to be. Frenchie's pictures were on a web site. He said he still thinks that Frenchie shouldn't have been booted off the show.
Frenchie said that every contestant on a FOX reality show goes through a background check. She said she disclosed to the producers that she posed for those pictures. Frenchie said she's not happy that they're keeping that girl on after they booted her off. She said she thought they didn't handle the situation very well back when she was on and they let her compete for too long. She said they could have let her go after she informed them that she did have those pictures out there.
Frenchie said she'd like the people at the show to apologize to her for what they did. She thinks that they defamed her character while they're talking about this new girl saying that she was exploited. She said it's like the complete opposite of how they treated her. Robin said that they may have been trying to get some publicity back then when she was on. It was only the second season of the show. Howard wondered if it's some kind of racism because Frenchie is black and the new girl is white. Robin said they did keep on a stripper who was white so who knows.
Robin said that this new girl, Antonella Barba, isn't that great of a singer while Frenchie was very good and probably could have won if she had stayed on. Howard said he didn't know that Frenchie had disclosed to the producers that she had posed for those pictures ahead of time. He said there does seem to be a double standard here. Frenchie said she never said it was a double standard, but she would like to hear an apology from them.
Howard said that Frenchie sounds like she's looking for money because she was saying that they humiliated her. She said she never said that she was looking for money. She just thinks that her situation was handled differently than they're handling this Barba girl. She said she's been asked about the situation with Barba. She knows that Barba didn't post her pictures on the internet for money, but she did pose for them willingly. Howard said he thinks the stripper and Frenchie are similar stories while this Barba chick isn't the same thing.
Artie tried to get a date with Frenchie but it didn't sound like she was interested. Howard gave her a plug and said that she's starring in ''Rent'' right now. Frenchie said she's been doing that for the past 4 years now. Robin said she just went to see that recently, she had no idea she was in it.
Eric the Midget called in but couldn't get a word out because Fred and Artie were doing their impressions of him. Eric asked them to shut up. He then said that Artie should be a Chinese New Year Marshall because he's as fat as a pig. Eric said he didn't have a problem with Frenchie (calling her Fantasia) and he thought that she was very good on the show when she was on. Howard said he thinks the black chick on the show might just win this year too. Howard let Eric go a short time later.
Howard said if Beth was in a national commercial like that, she'd be the one asking for a pre-nup. He went into a story about how he used to buy lottery tickets when he was so lost in his life. His father found the lottery tickets and told him that the only people who buy those things are people who don't work. Howard said he knows that he would probably never win the lottery because he was born in this country. He said he hasn't purchased lottery tickets since then. Robin said that's a lie because they did buy them on the air one time. She said he also bought some off the air and told her about buying them because the jackpot was so big.
Artie said that Scott DePace is a classic lottery ticket buyer. Howard said he really doesn't want to be a loser and that's what his father called him so that's why he doesn't buy them now. Howard let Irish John go after that.
Artie said that Double A is a lottery winner so they do know someone who won. Howard said he would keep every cent for himself if he did win. George was suggesting that he could give it away to charity. Howard said he's pretty sure he would keep it all and not give any to charity. He said he was asked to give to a charity so he could have his name put on something. He said he did give money to the charity but he doesn't want his name put on anything. Robin said she'd like to have her name on a bench or something.
Howard said he's heard that Mohammed is worth billions of dollars but Mohammed said that might be a little much. Howard asked Mohammed if he's a self made man. Mohammed said he is and he made the money in shipping and forwarding and export. Artie said that a lot of guys made a lot of money doing that stuff.
Howard asked if Mohammed was close with his son or not when he was dating Diana. Mohammed said that they were always close and he raised his son. He had custody of the child so he raised him. He said he was his only child at the time. He has four children with another woman. Howard was going to get into the Dodi discussion but he wanted to know what women Mohammed had been with. Mohammed said he can't talk about that stuff.
Howard said that Mohammed thinks that his son was not part of an accident. He seems to believe that this was actually a murder. He thinks that it was a murder and a slaughter that was brought on by the British government. He said that this future king over there would not accept his son going out with Princess Diana and he thinks that led to their death. Howard said he understands Mohammed's grief but wondered if he's taking it a little far.
Mohammed said that Diana was very close to him and during the last holiday she spent with him, she told him what she thought was going to happen to her. She thought that she was going to die. She had threats against her and just a few months before she died, she had a lawyer who warned that she was going to be murdered. Howard said that he's basically claiming that the Royal family took the initiative and had her killed off. Mohammed said that this guy Prince Phillip is an idiot and he thinks that he is capable of something like this.
Mohammed said they had letters, tapes and documents that proved all of this and they will have to have all of that stuff brought into this inquisition. He told Howard that they're doing an investigation over there and it's been going on for almost 10 years now. All of the cameras in the tunnel were not working that night and that's very suspicious to him.
Mohammed said that he will spend whatever it takes to find the truth in all of this. He said that he has also banned Prince Charles and Prince Phillip from his Harrads store over there in England. That's the one place they are not allowed to go over there. He was telling the guys that many people over there back him up in all of this. George Takei asked Mohammed why he would call this show. Artie told him that this wasn't really him but Howard insisted that it was. He didn't want Artie making fun.
Hook Nose Mike called in and asked why this is taking place 10 years later. Mohammed said that it has taken this long to make it happen. Howard said that Mohammed's wife must be hot. Mohammed said something about Howard being a dick head when he asked about her but he was just joking around. He was goofing on Prince Charles looking like a crocodile when he wakes up in the morning. He also said that he would look exactly like Hitler if he grew a small moustache.
Howard asked if Diana was a beautiful woman in person. Mohammed said that she was an angel. He talked about how great she was for a little while. Hook Nose also asked about how he came into his money and obviously hadn't heard the earlier discussion about how he made his money. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and talked about some stuff she's read about Mohammed and the Royal family.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he's read some stuff about the whole story and kept rambling so Howard said he had to let him go. Mohammed even called him a fucking asshole after Howard hung up on him. Another caller asked if he thinks there was any involvement of the Israelis in the death. Mohammed said he doesn't believe that's the case.
Howard asked Mohammed about the homes he owns and if he owns anything up in Connecticut. He said he doesn't own anything up there. He said he lives in a tent once in a while. He has a sailing boat and has 6 staff members on that. Howard was saying he'd like to hang out with him but Robin told him that maybe that wouldn't be a good idea since the British government seems to want people dead around him.
Howard got a hold of a picture of Mohammed's 22 year old daughter and he said she was beautiful. He asked if she's going to get a lot of money when he dies. Mohammed said that his money is going to charity, she makes a lot of money on her own. Howard heard that she was friends with Paris Hilton but Mohammed said he wouldn't want her involved with her at all.
George asked Mohammed what he wants to accomplish by calling a an American Radio show. Mohammed said he's just getting the word out there. Gary said that Steve Langford wanted to come in and talk about this because he was covering the story when he was working at Hard Copy back when this story happened. Steve came in and said that he found the owner of the car at the time and spoke to the man who owned it. He said he spoke to that man a couple of weeks after the crash and found out that the cars were switched at the last minute. Howard asked Steve what he was getting at. Mohammed said the car probably had nothing to do with it. He talked about what he knew but Howard thought that trying to bump off someone in a car crash was kind of odd.
Steve asked why the driver was switched at the last minute. Mohammed said that he convinced his driver that he was safe to drive. He said they had to kill him off at the same time so they used spotlights to blind him and got him to crash. Howard interrupted and asked Mohammed if he's still married. He said he has been married for 30 years now. Howard asked him if he gets some strange once in a while. Mohammed said that's none of his business. He said that is private information.
Howard said he knows that Mohammed is a grieving man and he understands that he wants to get to the bottom of this. Steve Langford said he has been interested in knowing what he has to say for a long time. Mohammed said that he will leave no stone unturned until he gets to the truth about the story. He said that you can't just feel in peace until you get the bastards and gangsters who caused the death. He said you can't just let them get away with this stuff.
Robin doesn't think that he'll be able to get the Royal family even if they did have something to do with it. She said some underling will take the fall for them if they were involved. Howard asked Mohammed how old he is but Mohammed said he was only 25. Howard figured he was in his 70s and he was right. Mohammed said he is in his early 70s. Howard said he hopes that he is able to find out the truth. Howard told him that he would like to be invited to some of his parties over there in England. Mohammed said he would get him a boyfriend over there. He was just joking around of course.
Howard told Mohammed that he prays that he gets the answers he's looking for. Mohammed got in a plug for his store Harrads and reminded everyone to stop there. Howard asked for some coupons for the store but Robin told him that he will never go there, but she's over there all the time. Howard let him go a short time later.
George asked Steve not to leave. He wanted to know more about the car that he brought up earlier. Steve said that he did find the car and the owner but he didn't research it like Mohammed did. Steve said the driver who died was brought in at the last minute and he had been drinking earlier in the evening. Howard pointed out that Steve went from covering that story to covering Big Foot up in Vermont.
Howard said that Mohammed did sound a little bit like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog but it was really Mohammed Al-Fayed. He said they got a call a couple of months ago asking if they wanted him on the show and they decided to go with it. It was really him even though Artie joked that it wasn't. Howard and Fred were talking about how Mohammed can now go back and talk about how he spoke to Irish John, Hook Nose Mike and others about this story.
During the discussion Mohammed was saying that Diana was pregnant with Dodi's child but Robin said that all of those claims were refuted after the death. Howard said it must be true if Mohammed said it though. They ended the segment with Red Peters' ''Diana'' song that he put out around the time of her death.
Howard played some George Takei song parodies and also played a Richard Christy prank call where he calls a guy and makes it sound like his phone is breaking up. He asks the guy a bunch of questions about shitting on the guy and sucking his balls. The guy doesn't know what's going on.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Diana thing is what happens when a white Princess gets into a limo with a sand nig*er... and then the guy claimed that he wasn't a racist. Howard let that guy go and said that he had to take a break but he had Justin Guarini and Kimberly Caldwell coming in.
Howard moved on to his guests, Justin Guarini and Kimberly Caldwell, who were on the first season of American Idol. The two of them came in and Howard asked Justin not to block Kimberly. Both Justin and Kimberly sounded happy to be there and were impressed with the studio. Justin said he used to listen to Howard every morning on his way to high school. He was a big fan.
Kimberly and Justin are involved with this show where they watch American Idol and talk about it on the TV Guide channel. Howard asked if it's tough to do that show and then try to keep working. Justin said that he's still good friends with Kelly Clarkson. Howard asked why it hasn't happened for Justin like it did for others. Justin thinks that they were working out the bugs that first season. Artie thew in ''No tits!'' as the reason why he didn't make it. Robin said that's true because Ruben Studdard had tits.
Howard asked if they think that Kelly Pickler got implants. They ended up talking about how cute she was and didn't know why she'd do something like that. Howard told Kimberly that he got mad at her when he saw her hair was short. He told her to keep it long.
Kimberly talked about how she camped out for the audition for American Idol and how she was able to get on the show. Howard asked who hit on her when she was on the show. She said Justin hit on her but she may have been joking. Howard read that Kimberly had a threesome with some guys on the show but she said that was not true. She said she was with JD Adams who was in the top 32 on the show. She said Simon never hit on her.
Howard asked Kimberly if she's ever been with a girl. She said she has kissed a girl but not a French kiss. She said she did lick a girl but it was just her sister on the cheek. Howard asked Justin if he ever banged Kelly Clarkson. He said he never did that. Robin said that Justin was in a movie with Kelly Clarkson so it did look like they were a bit of a team. Justin said he was attracted to her back then and right up to this day.
Howard asked Justin about his black father and his white mother. He found out that Justin had taken his step-mother's last name so he wondered why that was. Justin said that he did that as respect for his step-father but when he went for his audition, he did list his father's last name but the producers of American Idol shortened it from Justin Bell Guarini to Justin Guarini.
Howard asked Justin when he lost his virginity. Justin claimed it was earlier than 12 years old so Howard tried to fine out more. Kimberly sounded kind of surprised by that. Justin said that it was a girl his age and he was somewhere around 10 at the time. Howard said he must have grown up in a black neighborhood if that's the case. Justin said he didn't get laid again until college. Howard asked him if he was actually able to get a boner and cum at 10 years old. Justin said it did work. He found a book called Sammy Sperm and Ester Egg that showed what to do.
Justin said he only did that girl once. He was only 10 but it was great. Howard asked him how many other girls he's been with. Kimberly said he should just tell him it was just 200 or so. Justin said he didn't think it was quite 200. He wasn't getting much while he was on the show but he was hooking up after the show when he went out on tour. Howard asked if Paula hit on him at all. Justin said that didn't happen.
Howard asked how bad they wanted to be the winner of that show. Kimberly said it would have meant a lot to her. Justin said he wasn't all that upset that he didn't win. The two of them talked about how the show worked when they were on it. Howard asked the two of them if they smoke any weed or anything. Kimberly said that Justin smokes but she joked that she does crack.
Howard told Kimberly that she had a smoking body. Artie made a joke about her being not to far from being Tara Reid. She didn't seem to appreciate that. Howard asked Kimberly if she was in bed with a guy and he asked her to lick his butt hold, would she do it. She said she didn't know. She said she's never been in love before so she's not sure what she would do for a guy if she was in love. Fred was playing all kinds of fart sounds and doody audio clips while they were talking about that. Kimberly said she's been with under 10 guys in her life and she started out when she was 15. Howard asked her if she has real boobs. She said they are real and they're not all that big.
Justin said that he doesn't think that either one of them really wanted to be the American Idol on that show. He said that you do kind of want to win but when you get to the last few people, it's like you've already won. Justin said that he's working on his third album now and it's very far removed from what he did before. The record company dropped him and he just moved on. Howard asked him if he made enough money so he doesn't have to work now. Justin said he did very well and it's not like he doesn't have to work again, but it's good money. Kimberly said that she's doing well too and she's buying a house for about $700,000 out in the L.A. area.
Howard asked Kimberly and Justin if they heard about this guy on the show who talked about fisting Clay Aiken. They hadn't heard it. Howard said that the guy is taking back his story and saying that he lied about all of that stuff. He found that hard to believe. Robin wondered why he would take back the story after putting it out there the way he did.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Kimberly what kind of underwear she was wearing. She said she didn't have any on at all. She said the jeans were too tight to fit anything else in there. Howard asked her how shaved she is down there. She said she's not totally bald but it is shaved down a bit. The caller asked if they could get a zoom in on her to see what it looks like. Richard Christy then came in and asked if they wanted to ride the Sybian. Kimberly laughed and said no so Richard said he was actually asking Justin.
Howard took a call from Kelly Clarkson (High Pitch Eric) who talked about how hot Justin was when she hung out with him. Howard didn't stick with that for too long. He got back to Kimberly and Justin and gave them some plugs for the two shows they're doing on the TV Guide channel. They do ''Idol Chat'' and ''Idol Tonight'' over there. Howard asked the two of them if there was anyone they hated over there. Justin said he didn't hate anyone really. They talked about Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell but in a positive way. They weren't saying anything negative about anyone.
Howard asked Kimberly how long it would take for a guy to get into her pants. He wondered if she's ever had a one night stand. She said that she's never had a one night stand and it would probably take a couple of months for it to happen unless it was someone she really liked. Then it might take 2 weeks. Howard asked Justin about the kind of positions he does with his girlfriend. He said that they do all kinds of stuff and she once told him that she'll try anything once so that made him happy.
Howard took a call from a guy who claimed he went to high school with Justin. He said he was a compete wuss. The guy didn't even go to the same school as he did though. Another caller asked what kind of toys Kimberly uses on herself. She joked that she doesn't do that kind of thing but then admitted she does have a rabbit that she uses. She said her mom was listening so she didn't want to get into it. She said that she probably masturbates about as much as any other woman does. Richard came in and asked Kimberly if she would use this toy he had and put it in her mouth so she'd stop talking. She was a little talkative.
Howard said he had a guy on the phone who claimed that he dated Kimberly. The guy claimed he had audio of her in bed but it was just a porn clip. Another caller said that this chick has to calm down a little bit, she's talking over Justin too much. The guy also asked if she would put two fingers in his ass and jerk him off. She said she wouldn't touch that asshole.
Another caller asked Justin if he ever thinks about that 10 year old when he's jerking off. Howard thought that was a good question. Justin said he's not like that and he would never go back to that. Artie said that Justin is the only guy he knows who has fucked a 10 year old.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was pretending to be Clay Aiken. He was doing a gay voice but when he asked Justin a question Howard hung up on him. Howard got back to Justin and asked him if he ever got a nose job. He thought he had gotten one but Justin said he never did. He said he knows Howard wanted one so Howard had to admit that he did get one back in the mid 90s. He actually revealed that about a year ago.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Justin to shut up because all they wanted to hear was Kimberly. Kimberly noticed the change up and thanked him for that so she got in a plug for ''Idol Tonight.'' The caller also wanted to know if she was into Bukkake. Justin knew what it was so he explained it to Kimberly. She said she wouldn't like that and she wouldn't let any man orgasm on her face. She said she just doesn't like it. She said she has swallowed before but she didn't want to get into that because her mother and grandmother were watching.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Kimberly if she would be upset if a guy was banging her and slipped a thumb up her ass. She really wasn't sure because it's never happened to her before. She wasn't sure if she would like it or not.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he saw Beth on Casino Cinema last night and she was really showing off her ring on there. Justin asked him what changed his mind about getting married. Howard said he fell in love with Beth and she changed his mind. He said he enjoys being with her and thought that it would make the relationship better if they got engaged.
Ralph called in and asked Kimberly if a guy put his hand over her mouth during sex, would she find a way to talk through that. He complained about how much she was talking and had to get off the phone when she started talking again. Howard let Ralph go and wrapped up with Justin and Kimberly. He gave them some plugs for their two shows and went to commercial break a short time later.
Artie said that this girl's birthday is coming up. He's thinking of sending her the flowers for her birthday. Robin told him to just take her out to dinner. She said that would probably be the best thing for him to do. That way she gets a gift but there's no evidence for her girlfriends to see. She said she knows how to handle this stuff because she is a woman.
Howard finished up the commercial and got back into the show a short time later. He had a picture of George in his kimono at the Oscars the other night. He said it looked like a dress to him. George said it's the equivalent of wearing a tux in Japan. Artie said he thinks that George is a fruit, that's what he thinks. George said he wanted to add a little panache to his formal outfit.
Fred played some show tunes and George started singing along with them. Robin asked him if he had help with the outfit. He said he had a wardrobe person who helped him out with the outfit. He rented it from her. George let Howard know that the song he just snag was sung by Pat Suzuki.
Howard brought up Rudy Giuliani and the troubles he's been having with his family lately. He said that Ronald Reagan had similar problems with his kids and he still went on to be President so maybe Rudy could do the same thing.
Howard read through the other stations that have gone up since he left K-Rock and how other guys are number one now and not his old station. He said it's very odd and he's baffled by the omission. He said it's got to be a calculated omission.
Howard wondered if Hinkley hates him so much that he can't even report about how badly his old station is doing without him. He said it's a huge jump on his part not to have put that in his article. He said Hinkley writes for the NY Daily News. Robin said that you'd think the guy would write something about that if he wanted people to read the article.
Howard read off the nutritional information from the stuff that Artie was eating this morning. He had to guess on some of the stuff. He was adding it all up and found that the Grande Macchiato that he drank was about 800 calories. Artie said there's no way that's right. She said she was on a blog reading it so she decided to go to the Starbucks site to find it. Howard knocked it down to 500 calories.
Howard came up with the numbers and said that Artie had eaten over 2000 calories already this morning. Robin told him that was the total for the day if he was on a regular diet. Howard said he doesn't eat that much during the day. Artie found it hard to believe that Howard could smile during the day not eating more.
George was telling Artie that they all care about him and he really shouldn't eat so much. He'd like to see him get healthy. Artie said he's considered it. George told him he's got to act on that and just do it. Robin found that the Starbucks drink Artie had was only 320 calories so that knocked him under 2000.
Steve said that they've found a Robert Booey that they'll be interviewing. He also got in a plug for Jackie's Joke Hunt, which airs at 7pm, and Riley Martin's show that airs at midnight tonight on Howard 101.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview and rand down the stories they'll be covering today. Jon said they'll be talking about Artie returning to work today. Howard asked Fred if he still thinks Artie is on something. Fred said he does still think he is up to something. Robin said she's on the fence right now, she's not really sure about what's going on.
George said he's going to go with what he wants to believe. He thinks that Artie is going to be clean from now on and that's what he wants to believe. Jon Hein got back to his preview and talked about some of the other Artie stuff that came up today. They spent a few more minutes talking about Artie and his drug use and also about his drinking. Artie said that he did stop drinking for a while and was completely sober for 3 months back in 2005.
Ralph called in and said that Artie doesn't seem like he's all that into the show anymore so maybe that's why he's calling in sick these days.
Gary came in and said that a couple of years ago Lisa had a baby and the government took the kid away and she went and kidnapped the baby and it was all over the papers. She said there were allegations that Howard was the father but Gary said that was her who made those allegations. Howard asked Lisa if she's ever been diagnosed with mental illness. She said she's not mentally ill.
Howard asked Lisa if she's thin or still heavy. She said she's about 150 now but she was up at about 200 for a while. Lisa said that she was accused of being a crack addict at one point and she claims that she's never used crack. Lisa said that her father is the one who turned her in and said that she was not fit to be a mother. That's what led to her baby being taken from her.
Howard said that most mentally ill people put the blame on other people and that might be what she's doing. Lisa said that Howard is the one who does that but Howard said she's the one who is blaming other people. Gary said that they invited Lisa to the last show and she needed money to come down so they let her know they couldn't do it. Lisa said they did say that they were going to pay for her to come down. Howard didn't seem to care, he just gave her a ''whatever'' and tried to move on. Gary said that she's also been bothering other people at the company trying to get money from them.
Lisa said that she thinks that Howard owes her about $2,000. She said that because of taunting and stuff that's happened to her over the years. Gary said that Howard wouldn't even recognize her if he was standing right next to her. Howard asked Benjy if he had sex with her. Benjy said he did but she doesn't remember it. Benjy said he got a call from her and she was apparently calling a bunch of the people from the show and he was the only one to take her up on her offer to bang him. She claims that never happened though. Gary told Lisa to stick to calling him from now on and not bother Mel Karmazin to try and get this money from the company.
Howard let Lisa go and got back to Jon Hein's show preview. Jon ran down a few more things that they'll be covering on The Wrap Up Show today. Howard then had Robin start her news.
Howard said that whole Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston thing has been over the years. He said it was like a supernova exploding into a billion pieces. They spent some time talking about the two of them before Robin moved on. Robin went through her news and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
Howard asked the guys what they did to Artie yesterday because he wasn't there this morning. He said he was listening to some clips from the Wrap Up Show yesterday and he got quite a work over. Artie came walking in a few seconds later.
Howard spent a minute talking to George Takei who was sitting in so Howard spent a minute talking to him. They moved right over to Artie after that. He came in with a cupcake as if he were the Statue of Liberty holding the torch. He apparently doesn't care about the weight loss contest. George Takei said that just having him breathing on him makes him feel like he's going to gain some weight. Howard said Artie is not only eating a cupcake but a glass of Hawaiian punch.
That was Artie's first meal of the day too. A green icing cupcake and Hawaiian punch. The guys all watched him and goofed on him as he was eating it. Howard went on to say that everyone has to see this Howard TV special that they put together about Bubba's wedding. Artie does some wrap-arounds for the show and he's smoking a cigarette and has ashes all over him. He also said that Robin was very brutal when she was talking about Ronnie in that special. She went off on him about his bad personality and how his drinking proves it.
Ronnie came in and said he thought Robin was vicious when she was talking about him and she wasn't joking around in that clip. He said she really hurt him talking the way she did. She really meant what she was saying. Howard said there was a stripper in the show that was a 10. She was dancing with Ronnie in the clip and Ronnie was just about mauling her. She claimed it was like dancing with her grandfather but she looked like she was enjoying it. There was also a clip of a bouncer in the show who says he's going to kill Ronnie if he ever shows up to Florida. Ronnie is going down there soon so the guy might get the chance.
Howard said Robin really is viscous in that show so everyone has to see it on Howard TV starting March 14th. It's also very compelling to watch. He noticed that Fred only shows up for a few seconds in the show. Fred said he was avoiding that camera all weekend. He said Doug was being really annoying with the camera down there and he was staying away from him as much as possible. He didn't know that was going to be the focus of the weekend.
Howard said the special is very well put together and the fans will really enjoy it. He said they really had to tape as much as possible to get what they have for the special. Howard agreed that Doug was being very annoying down there but he was just doing his job. There was a time when Doug was taping on the beach and that got a bunch of fans running over to take pictures. He didn't like that too much.
Howard talked about Artie going out on a jet ski and trying to get his life jacket on. He said that was pretty funny too. George asked when that's going to be on. Howard said it's March 14th. There's a lot of stuff in the show that's worth checking out. He said Sal got kind of racist with 25 Cent from Bubba's show. There was some towel whipping going on too so Sal had all kinds of welts on his body from that. He said he was laying on the floor writhing in pain. Then Sal was sticking his ass on Steve Langford's face as they were out on a boat with Bubba. Gary said Steve was really just scared being on that boat because it was so fast. Howard said he hates going out on boats like that. Artie said he loves it.
Gary told Howard they have audio of Robin talking about Ronnie from that special. Howard played the clip where she talks about how Ronnie's awful personality comes out when he drinks as much as he does. Howard agrees that he has a bad personality and it does come out even worse when he drinks. Robin said she was probably tired that day when she said that.
Howard also mentioned that Artie is going to see a shrink. Artie said he went to this guy three times and he's trying to examine what cost him this relationship with Dana. He wants to be better at it next time so that's why he's going. Howard asked Artie what caused this new thing. Artie said that he's can't start gambling to the point where he can't afford it. There were times when he was gambling six figures on a weekend and he just can't see doing that. His father was anti-gambling and he would be so upset with him.
Artie said he would probably lose more gambling smaller amounts than he would doing the bigger numbers. George told him that if he lost some weight, he could possibly win $20,000 in this ''Battle of the Blobs'' contest. Artie said there's no guarantee he could win that. George told Artie he could lose some regrets if he lost the weight too. He said he could lose six pounds of regrets if he tried.
Artie said he did see the shrink and he is trying to stop gambling before the NCAA Tournament. Robin said she heard JD and Will talking about the tournament and she thought about Artie missing out on all of that. Artie said he's still going to watch the games, he's just not going to be as into it as he would have been if he was betting. He said he loves to watch baseball but he doesn't have to bet on them to be into them.
Howard had a lot of clips from the Wrap Up Show where Robin grilled Artie on all of this stuff. In the first clip Robin grills Artie about bringing up the rehab thing yesterday during the show. Artie said he might need to go to rehab. He explained how he got off the heroin himself and didn't go to rehab to do that. When he got off coke, he went to rehab. He's thinking he might need that. Artie said he thought he'd be fine after getting off of it but he thinks that he could get caught up in it.
Howard played another clip where Artie revealed he stopped gambling. He tells the guys that he broke up with his bookie and said he wouldn't be gambling. He said the bookie believes he'll be coming back to him eventually. He might be right because Artie said the first night he gets bored, he'll probably be betting again.
Howard told Artie he needs a hobby and he should really try playing chess. Artie said he envies that and would like to do that. He said he knows guys who can play speed chess and it's very impressive to watch. Howard told him it turns into a video game when you play like that.
George asked Artie if he could turn him onto Broadway plays as a hobby. Howard told him that's not going to happen. George told him about this play ''Journey's End'' which is about World War I. Artie thought it was about the end of the band Journey. Artie also said he was afraid that George was going to ask him if he could introduce him to his cock if he starts doing the Broadway thing.
Howard got back to the Artie clips and played one where Artie explains why he goes out on the road doing comedy shows. He can make a ton of money doing those shows in other cities. He said last year he tripled what he makes on the Stern show. This year he's going to quadruple that money so he feels he has to keep doing it. He said he can't make that kind of money without being on the Stern show. Robin said that's what Jackie said before he left and he eventually started doing just one show a month toward the end of his gig on the show.
Howard said he hates coming to work but the money is good. He didn't get into radio for the money but now he has a hard time leaving because of it. He said you have to feel bad for guys who drive trucks and jobs like that because they can't make that kind of money. Robin said a nurse called in and told Artie he was nuts complaining about the work he has to do. Howard said Artie would be miserable even if he was sitting at home.
Robin said Artie revealed that he wanted to retire at 45 during the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Howard got back to the clip where he said that. Gary and Robin were talking to him about leaving the show. Artie said he loves the show but he's wondering how long Howard is going to keep working. He was also saying that it might be time to give someone else a chance to sit in his seat. Artie talks about all of the stuff that goes on in his life and how messed up he got after Dana pounded his heart into the ground. Howard said it sounded like a full life to him. Artie's got a lot of stuff going on.
Artie said that there are comedians like Leno and Seinfeld who seem to not have any emotion at all when they do their shows. He said it's like there's just not a person in there when you see those guys. Howard went into another audio clip where Artie talks about going to the shrink. Artie said that the shrink told him to maybe quit the Stern show if he's miserable. Artie said he can't do that because without the show, he wouldn't be making the kind of money he does on the road. He'd have to give up the stand-up stuff before giving up the Stern show.
In the Wrap Up Show, Robin had asked Artie what his dream was and what he would want to happen. Artie said that he would love to have the kind of schedule he had when he was working on the Norm Show. Robin told Artie that he needs to be a guy like Andy Richter if that's what he really wants. Artie said that's what his FOX deal is. He said he could end up out in L.A. doing a show again if that all works out.
Howard told Artie he's glad to hear that he's going to a shrink and that he's quit gambling. He's very happy for him. George said it is great that he's trying to change now. Artie said he's also got a recurring role on ''Rescue Me'' so he'll be doing 5 episodes this year. Robin thinks that he'll be upset about that because he'll be working so much. Artie said it's not the same as traveling because he wants to get airports out of his life. Howard said he used to not be able to say no to anything. He knows what that's like. He said after he'd sign something to do, he'd have to do it and that's when it started hitting him. He said he learned to say no to some things and yes to others. Then you free up some time. He figures Artie would go crazy if he had some free time though.
Robin said that Artie is thinking of looking for a shore house now so Howard and Robin were right when they tried talking him into doing something like that. It appears he's actually taking their advice on that. Artie said he's hoping to have a shore house by this summer.
Bobo read about Beth getting upset when they go dancing and have other women getting between them. She said she will pull Howard away when that happens. Howard said they haven't gone dancing in a long time so that's old news. He said they were kind of dancing in bed while watching American Idol last night though. Bobo was asking Howard about Beth being all over him in bed. Howard said they're all over each other, it's mutual.
Howard let Bobo go and talked more about that FHM magazine disappearing and how they just throw you another magazine. Another caller said that he thinks that's what could happen with the XM/SIRIUS merger. Howard asked Robin if she's heard anymore about that whole thing. Robin said it just kind of went away. Artie said he read an article about Mel Karmazin in the NY Times over the weekend where they talk about his business plan and how it always seems to work out for him. He said that makes him feel confident in all of this merger stuff.
Howard said that they have another aspect to the business of satellite and it's all about making the car manufacturers happy. They also have to do research and development for the radios and then they have to sell those radios. There's a lot to it that they don't even think about.
Howard and Artie talked about Mel for a few minutes and how he really does do the right thing with these companies he runs.
Howard said they showed all of that Sam Simon charity thing on 60 Minutes and said that they don't even take donations, Sam funds it all himself. He's even got this huge truck where they go out and spay dogs for free so they can help control the population out there. Howard said it really is sad when they have to put dogs to sleep.
Howard said there was one dog they showed that was saved and is now living a great life out there. George said they captured Sam's soul in that show and he really is a good guy. Artie said that any guy who does that stuff has to have a lot of compassion. Beth is calling him to talk to him about helping him out with something. Howard said he was inspired by Sam and what he's doing with all of that.
Howard said he ended up in the special because 60 Minutes came and shot while they were recording the Bitter Half special they ran there. Howard said he still maintains that Sam wears eye make-up though. Artie said he's never noticed that before and he's known him for a long time. Howard said they also show Sam playing poker and Norm Macdonald was there. Even Sam's ex-wife Jennifer Tilly was there playing poker with him. Artie said Sam likes working with her to this day even though they are divorced. Artie said he got to kiss her one time when she played his wife in a movie. Howard said Drew Carrey was also there at the poker game. He appears to love gambling. Artie confirmed that and said he really does love gambling.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the show has been great lately. He talked about Fred playing the Gilbert Gottfried laughs during the news yesterday. That led to Howard saying that Gilbert is coming in today. He's heard that he's pretty miserable now that he's gotten married and has a kid on the way. He's pretty sure they won't be hearing Gilbert's laugh today. Artie thinks they will but it will be out of nervousness. The caller was telling Howard that he should do a show where he has a sit down with these people like Siobhan and Cabbie who want to have a sit down with him and just do it on the air. Howard said he would do that but these people don't want to do it on the air. He said that Siobhan sent him a letter about what he wants to do and he just can't do it off the air. He said he would do it right then if he could but Siobhan won't do it.
Congressman Weiner said that the guys over at the FCC aren't the brightest bulbs in the bunch and they may not get it either. That's what they're going to have to get through to make the whole thing work.
Howard asked Weiner what he thinks about this John Ashcroft thing that went on. He went to XM trying to be their spokesperson but then went to terrestrial radio when they offered him some money. Congressman Weiner said that Ashcroft has no creditability anymore so it shouldn't be a problem. He said the guy was an awful Attorney General too.
Congressman Weiner said he thinks that the two satellite companies really should be able to merge. Howard agreed and said that it's not like TV because the two companies have different content unlike satellite TV which has the same content to offer. If people wanted both baseball and football on satellite radio, they'd have to have subscriptions to both right now. If they merge, they would have the same content on both services.
Howard asked Weiner if he thinks this merger is going to go through. Weiner said that the problem is this guy Martin on the FCC. He said that he's not sure that he's going to understand what this means. He was also saying that the terrestrial radio stations have a lot of reach around the country and it's going to be a tough thing to get through. He said the fans out there really have some pull and they can go to their representatives and tell them that they don't want two radios on their dashboard and they want the merger to go through.
Howard told Weiner that he seems to be a good dude and seems to understand this stuff. He asked him about the Iraq war after that. Weiner said that it's a big mess and he thinks that they should move the troops to the border and just let them take care of the playground and not have them in the middle of it all. They were also talking about Rudy Giuliani's possible run for President. Howard thinks that he would probably go with him over Hillary Clinton. They talked about that for a short time and then Gary came in and asked if it was true that he was Jon Stewart's room mate in college. Weiner said they actually did room for a while after college. Weiner said he was funnier than Jon but Jon got laid more than he did.
Howard thanked Congressman Weiner for calling in and asked him if he's still friends with Jon Stewart. He said they still talk but don't really hang out all that much. They spent a few seconds on that before Howard let him go. He said he really likes that guy.
Robin said it was sad when he revealed that congress really doesn't seem to know what's going on with the satellite thing. George said he had never heard this guy speak before and he was very impressed with what he had to say. That led to Howard reading some e-mail about George being on the show. The feedback has been very good for him being on the show again. The fans were all very happy hearing him back for the week. George said that he gets a ton of e-mail from people when he's on the show and he doesn't have time to answer them all because he gets so many. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said he has to thank Jillian Barberie for saying so much nice shit about him. He said she really does love him and he should have banged her when he had the chance. He played a clip of her talking about Ann Coulter and then bringing up Howard's name. She said she thinks Howard is one of the best satirists in the world while Ann is the worst. Howard said he really likes that chick and she's always saying nice shit about him.
Howard said he might have to write Jillian a note or something. She is pregnant though and Artie asked ''why bother'' since she's pregnant. Artie said she was down in Atlantic City for the Cabbie and Stuttering John fight a few years back. Howard remembered that and that she said she wanted to fuck him. He said he was with Beth at the time though. Howard said he's not a big fan of the pregnant look. He hopes that she's really pregnant because if she's not, he's being very rude. Fred confirmed that she is pregnant.
Lisa G came in with her Howard 100 News preview. They're going to be covering the Battle of the Blobs contest and they found that Jon Hein was eating a salad yesterday and he usually has McDonalds crap all over his desk. Howard said the combined weight of the two teams is over 2000 pounds. Artie said he had to bring up Benjy's eating because he had a trough of food in front of him. The guys all looked at the giant amount of food he was eating and goofed on him about that. George said he was watching the two of them eating and it was amazing how much food they were consuming.
Howard mentioned the weight loss contest and got in a plug for the sponsor of the contest, Cylaris weight loss. Howard then read off the list of guys and their weights. Artie's team...
Howard told Artie that he could lose weight if he ate this. An egg white omelet with salmon in it, a piece of toast, just one piece for breakfast. Brown rice with chicken for lunch. Some cashews or fruit as a snack. Then for dinner he'd like to see him eat healthy. Last night he had steamed chicken, broccoli, snow peas and tofu with some other stuff added for flavor. He thinks Artie would love that but Robin and Fred said there's no way he'd like it. There's no flavor there.
George said he had dinner with Tim Sabean and his wife last night. He said Tim was eating pretty smart last night and had fish and spinach. He avoided desert too. Howard had Lisa G get back to her rundown. She mentioned that Private Parts debuted 10 years ago on this day. Howard said that he number one CD at the time was the soundtrack and his radio show was number one. He also said that his book was up at number one around that time too.
George asked Howard if he's going to do another book or movie. Howard said he would do that because his schedule is kind of open now. He said he was offered a movie that he had to turn down about a year ago because he didn't have time. Now he could do it but he has to do a good movie. He said he would even shave his head to change his look for a movie. Robin heard that and said someone has to hire him now. She would love to see that.
Howard and George started singing show tunes at one point. Howard said Artie was stuck in a gay storm in there while that was going on. Gary came in and asked Howard if he was offered a great script but he had to kiss a guy in the movie. Howard said that would never happen, it's not for him. Robin asked if he would do it if it was a prison film. Howard said he wouldn't do it. He said he's an actor of sorts and he has no desire to kiss a guy. He took back the acting part and said he's not even that. Gary kept asking trying to get him to say he would kiss a guy. Howard asked him why he keeps asking if he's already said no.
Gary said that Denzel Washington once told Will Smith not to kiss a dude on screen because people will hate him if he does. He never did do that either.
Lisa G got back to her news preview and said that they'll be remembering Cliff Palette who died last year on this date. That led to Howard playing some clips of Cliff singing some songs. Howard said Artie used to hang out with him a lot. Artie said it was just a couple of times when they hung out back stage at some comedy shows.
Robin said they learned that he didn't even have a cleft palette. Howard said that guy told them that his mother wouldn't pay for an operation to fix it. His mother told them that he didn't have a cleft palette, it was some other problem he had that couldn't be fixed. Howard said it was a paralyzed tongue. Robin said he would pretend he had that cleft palette thing and was a good liar about that stuff.
Howard said he really misses that little guy. He played some more of his songs and an interview he did at the AVN awards one time. That was it for Lisa's news preview so Howard let her go. He spent a little more time on Cliff and then moved on to other things.
Howard said that Will the Farter was coming in and he was going to play the flute with his ass. He was also going to try and blow bubbles and blow a whistle with it. They're also going to play a game called ''Shit Freckles'' where Will will fart out chocolate sauce when guys on the show (Sal and Richard) get questions wrong. Howard said this guy is so talented, he loves him. George had never seen this stuff so Howard was looking forward to showing him.
Howard he had some clips of Bob Levy trying to say certain words. He played a clip of Bob trying to say Worcester as in Worcester, Massachusetts. He left a message for Richard where he tried saying it but couldn't get it out right.
Howard asked Will why he was there today. Will had a web site, WillTheFarter.com, to promote but he also had some new stunts to perform for them. Howard had Will demonstrate a few blasts for them before trying to blow into these instruments and toys he was going to be playing. Will let out a few farts that got George laughing pretty hard. Will Murray said that he was very stinky today. Will said he was eating black olives all yesterday so that might be why he's smelly.
Howard asked Will what instrument he was going to be playing today. He had a flute, or recorder, a party horn and some other stuff. Howard wanted to see him do the party horn first. Will sucked in some air into his ass and then stuck the party horn up to his ass and blew. It did make some noise but it was more of a cupped fart sound than a party horn sound. He blew one big one that blew the party horn paper out all the way. It didn't make much noise other than the fart though.
Howard said Will was going to try and blow a bubble with his ass. He put a bubble wand up to his ass and tried blowing it out but it wasn't working. Will tried for a second time after sucking some air into his ass. He tried three times but it wasn't working so he moved on. Will then tried blowing a whistle with his fart. He sucked in the air, put the whistle up to his ass and let it rip. It didn't whistle though. Howard had him try a second time but that didn't work either.
Artie told Will to shove a computer up his ass and see if he could send an e-mail. Will wanted to try playing the harmonica before moving on to the next event. Will blew out some farts and did make some noise with that. Howard asked him to play the Star Trek theme with that but it wasn't going to happen. Robin said that takes a lot of control to do something like that.
Howard told Will he's a great man. He said that Sal was going to come in and try to answer some questions. If he gets them wrong, Will is going to give him some shit freckles after pouring some chocolate in his ass and blowing it on his face. George asked to hear some tunes played with the farts. Robin told him they've done that before and that's nothing new. Will showed him how it's done anyway and played a little ''Mary had a Little Lamb'' with his farts. Howard said he wishes that he could do that.
Sal said he and Richard were supposed to do this together so Richard came in to play against him in this contest. The loser gets the shit freckles. Howard asked Sal ''Name the three boats Columbus used to sail to America.'' He got that right. Howard asked Richard ''Who invented the airplane?'' and he got that right. Sal was asked to name the two oceans that border Mexico. Sal didn't know there were two oceans. He did answer correctly eventually. Richard was asked which President's face was on the dime. Richard missed that one when he said it was Abe Lincoln. Sal got it right with FDR.
Howard gave Will a plug for his web site and asked him what goes on there. Will said he sells personalized videos and even sells his used underwear. He said people will pay up to $250 for shit stained underwear. Sal said he's got a great video where he farts in his cat's face. Howard said it sounds like Will is into some sick shit over there.
Howard went to the final questions. He asked Sal who fought in the war of 1812. Sal said Mousolini but it was countries that they were looking for. Richard was then asked if he knew the right answer. He didn't know either. Both of the guys won some money but Richard lost to Sal so he had to get the shit freckles. Richard said he wanted goggles so he doesn't get anything that would make him sick. Howard asked Will what he was going to do. Will said he was going to lay down, suck in air and then have the guys drench him in chocolate sauce. Then he's going to blast it out and give Richard some shit freckles. Sal went over and tried to take Will's shoes and socks off so he was naked from the waist down.
Will sucked in the air after Richard started dry heaving. Then Richard stuck his head in there and Will blasted out the chocolate sauce. Richard's head was pushed into his ass by either Will Murray or Sal. Will blamed Sal so it wasn't clear who did it. Richard said it smelled like chocolate down there so it wasn't too bad. Robin said Richard rubbed his face on Sal's shirt after he got pushed into the chocolate.
Howard wrapped up with the guys and let Will get in some plugs for his web site. Will got in some plugs for some other web sites like Strangeland.com and YorktowneSports.com. He then asked Howard if he wanted to direct his wedding because he would love to piss off his fiancé's family. They apparently kept talking Mormon stuff and college for him but he wants to just have a wild wedding. Howard said he'd think about that. He had to go to break after that.
Howard said Sal and Richard call into a lot of cable access shows and this latest one is called Community Cop. Richard called in and asked what the best way to clean up an uncircumcised penis was. They hung up on him. Sal then called in and called the show ''Community Cock'' and got hung up on. Richard called back and pretended to get something stuck in his throat. He called back a short time later and paused and stumbled on his thoughts so the hosts told him to get to his point. They had to hang up on him because he was so slow. Howard said he thought that was funny.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was listening to Jackie's show last night and he doesn't know what Howard ever saw in the guy. He said Jackie was hinting that he could be Artie's replacement if he ever dies or leaves the show. Howard said he could never do that with Jackie again. He can't imagine going through that again. Howard said it's been the best 6 years, psychologically for him, since Jackie left. He said he loves Artie on the show and would be sorry to see him go. Artie said he loves being on the show but this guy thinks that God is going to take him away. The caller said he thinks that Artie could get his funny back if he just lost some weight. He thinks he's seen a decline in Artie's funny over the past 2 months. He said he's his biggest fan but he feels embarrassed for him sometimes.
Howard said some people blame him for Artie's weight gain and not being funny. Howard read through some mail where the fans talked about how Artie was screwing up his gig on the show. One guy said that Artie isn't very funny in his stand-up and compared him to Jim Breuer. Howard didn't think that was an insult and neither did Artie. Other people were upset that Artie was missing so much work when he barely works as it is. Another guy blamed Howard for not thinking about Artie when he brought up the rehab thing. The writer thought Artie was screaming out for help and he was ignoring him. Howard said he's all for Artie going to rehab if that's what he thinks he needs.
The caller said that he'd love to see George Takei as Artie's replacement on the show if he ever does leave. George said he loves Artie on the show and he isn't replaceable. The caller also said that he wanted to sing along to the Sulu Dance. Fred had to find the music bed but when he found it, it was the wrong one. Howard said he could do the whole song himself if he wanted. The caller said he knows all of the Sulu parts in the song and he wanted to do that part. Fred eventually found the right version and the caller knew exactly where to come in and had it spot on. Howard was impressed and told him he nailed it. George told him he could replace Artie. The caller won a tour of the studio for doing that so well. That was Pete in Palm Beach who did that.
Artie was still thinking about the Jackie comments that Howard made. He was surprised to hear that he could never work with him again. Howard said he loved Jackie and always stuck up for him but now that he's gone, he doesn't think he could go through that stuff again. The people at the company always wanted to get him out of there because his negotiations would drive them nuts.
Gary said that everything they did with Jackie would become difficult. There were times that they had to turn his light off when he was in negotiations with E! and things like that. It was tough for Howard and he said he would get upset over it all. He didn't want to get into that stuff again after Jackie left. He said he had to have an intervention with himself and told himself that he can do this stuff alone if he has to.
Gary and Howard went through the history of Jackie's negotiations and how it all came to an end in 2001 after he left for the last time. Howard warned Jackie that he wasn't going to be able to help him out if he walked out again. He warned him a year before he did it and Jackie still walked off. Howard said he kind of likes where they're at now and that he can still be friends with him.
Robin said Jackie was asked if he would go back on the show and he said it might be time. Gary said Jackie was thinking about coming back on but he didn't call him to ask. He called someone else that works with them to ask about coming back instead. Gary said he knows that he just has to call him to get on the show. He said he's a really weird guy. Artie wondered if Jackie would come back to the show if he got the offer. Howard said he's pretty sure he'd jump at the chance.
Howard said he loved Jackie's talent on the show but there was just too much tension when he was there. The guys talked about the plugs that Jackie had to get during the show when he was on. He actually had them in his contract so Howard would have to read them mid-morning and at the end of the show. Howard said he really doesn't care if someone wants to get a plug in, he just tells them to go ahead and do it if they want. Jackie had everything planned out according to Gary. He said he would actually write down the exact times he was getting his plugs on the show. Gary got in a plug for an appearance he's making out in Las Vegas this weekend at the Hard Rock.
Howard played some clips from Jackie's show where he told some jokes. Jackie cracked himself up after telling the joke. Howard didn't get the joke at all. Robin said she knows the joke but he didn't tell it right. She explained it to Howard and he got it after that. Robin said Jackie left out the part that was supposed to make it funny.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he remembers one time when Jackie walked off the show and Howard bent over backwards to help him out. Howard said he should have just let him leave then. Gary told Artie that there was a time, for about a month, when they had to shut Jackie's camera off and leave him in the dark as if he weren't on the TV show. Dominic wondered how much of an influence Nancy was on Jackie. Howard said it wasn't even her, it was a lot of Jackie's friends who told him to do that kind of crap.
Artie said it is kind of wild because when you go out to do comedy shows you have people making you think that you're huge. Gary said the one thing he misses about Jackie is that he would never admit that he got to where he was because of Howard. Artie will always say that and he kind of misses the fights that Howard and Jackie would have over that subject.
Howard asked Gilbert about getting married. Gilbert didn't sound so thrilled when he talked about that. He said the wedding was very small and they only had some relatives of his wife's and his sister there. He said he didn't have any celebrities there. Gilbert joked that he had all of his scientologist friends there. Howard heard it was a very Jewish wedding too. Howard asked him if he's really Jewy. Gilbert said he was never even Bar Mitzvahed. He said it wasn't his idea to do all of that stuff at the wedding. He said they did the stepping on the glass thing and all of that. Howard asked if they videotaped the wedding. Gilbert said they did do that but he can't watch it, it's too tough to watch. He said he did wear a suit to the wedding but didn't wear a tie. He said that was him being James Dean.
Howard asked about the wedding and found out that his wife's aunt was the Rabbi/Minister at the wedding. Howard asked him if he's really miserable. Gilbert said he's always been miserable, he's not sure if it's any worse now. Howard asked if it's tough having someone living in his apartment with him. Gilbert didn't get a chance to answer. Howard also asked if he's going to get a housekeeper and do that whole thing. Gilbert was just laughing at that stuff. He wasn't even sure exactly when the baby is due.
Howard asked Gilbert if he planned this baby. He said she planned it, he didn't really. Gilbert said he knows what they're having but he won't reveal it until the baby is born. Howard wondered what was worse, a girl or a boy. George Takei asked Gilbert if he has any Asian in him because he does have that kind of look. Gilbert said he gets that once in a while and someone thought he was that guy Rupert from Letterman.
George asked again if Gilbert had any Asian in him and Gilbert asked if he was offering. Howard then told Gilbert that George came out of the closet recently and wondered if he knew. Gilbert said of course he did. Howard asked Gilbert if he's excited to have this baby. Gilbert said ''yes'' but it wasn't very convincing. Gilbert also mentioned that he was mistaken for Pat Morita, Mr. Miagi from Karate Kid, one time.
Howard said Gilbert is miserable and he's spoken to him off the air about that stuff. He asked Gilbert if it's really tough to live with his wife in his apartment. He said that is kind of tough. He said they did go on a honeymoon but he was working at the time so he got the trip for free. Howard wasn't surprised by that. Howard found out that Gilbert hasn't even consummated the wedding. He hasn't had sex with her since the wedding because of the pregnancy. Robin said she doesn't understand how all of this happens. Gilbert said ''that makes two of us.''
Artie talked a little bit about Gilbert so Gilbert started doing his impression of him. His impression was starting to sound like his impression of Georgie Jessel. Howard asked Gilbert if he's ever taken care of anyone before. Gilbert would crack jokes about every question he was asked and he wouldn't be serious about anything.
Howard said he's seen Gilbert outside of the show and he won't even introduce his wife to anyone. Gilbert said he's not sure why he doesn't do that. Howard figured he was just not very good in social situations. Howard wondered if she changed her name to Gottfried. Gilbert said she has done that and it's very strange. Her name is now Dara Gottfried. He said he's seen that name on letters and stuff but he wasn't even clear on if she had actually made the name change.
Howard asked Gilbert if there's anything that he actually likes about this woman. Gilbert laughed. He laughed at just about every question about the marriage and if he actually loves the woman. Howard figured he did it because he knocked Dara up. He said he knows that the two of them broke up for a while but Gilbert would never confide in him about that.
Gary was looking at Gilbert's DVD and saw that Dara and Gilbert are both the Executive Producers of his DVD. Howard asked Gilbert if he's ever touched his wife's belly now that she's pregnant. Gilbert said he doesn't do that and isn't even sure if he'll be in the room when the baby is born. Howard wondered if she cries when he won't do that stuff for her. Gilbert said she doesn't do that in front of him. Robin asked if they even sleep in the same bed. He said they do that.
Gary asked if she's ever suggested therapy for him. Gilbert said she has done that but he won't go. Howard said that Gilbert is going to be at Caroline's this Thursday doing a show. He gave him that plug and got back to the discussion about the baby. He wondered what kind of arrangement he's going to have with the baby. Gilbert said he's going to have to wait and see on that.
Gary said he got an e-mail from someone telling him that Gilbert has a sister who is a very famous photographer but there is no evidence that they're related. Gilbert said that is her. They spent a short time talking about that. Robin asked Gilbert if he's going to get a summer home that they can go to and relax at. Gilbert continued to laugh at all of the questions. Howard gave him another plug for his Caroline's show and his DVD which is available at GilbertGottfried.com.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him what he thinks of this ''Scooter'' Libby case. Howard went into that and gave his thoughts on what went on there. He said he thinks that the guy will get a pardon before Bush leaves office. He won't get that before Bush leaves because people will be screaming that it's a cover up. He said that the case was very serious though and when your own government can't keep your identity secret, there's something wrong there. Howard thanked the guy for the call and let him go.
George told Gilbert that he looks very much like his uncle. He said his uncle worked for Coca Cola. Howard asked Gilbert if he watches any TV these days. George had mentioned being on Heroes and Gilbert has no idea what that show is about. Howard said he knows his father loves when he does that Georgie Jessel impression but that's from many years ago.
Howard played a prank call that the guys made to someone named Bindy because they had clips of Gilbert doing ''Gilbert Dice Gottfried'' and saying that name. They had him calling this guy over and over trying to create a conversation with him. They were able to get the guy to talk to the clips and the guy started laughing eventually. Gilbert seemed to enjoy hearing that call. He said he liked the gay bath house call the guys made too. Howard said he'd play that one later in the show.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Gilbert is losing all over the place because even Afflac is dropping the duck from their advertising. Gilbert played the voice of the duck. Gilbert said they have a new guy there so they're changing things around over there. He said he was making a lot of money on that and so far they haven't changed anything. He thinks they may have had second thoughts on taking that character away. Howard gave Gilbert a few more plugs and said he had to take another break.
Eric said there are people who think he's not calling the show anymore because Howard never picks up the phone. He said people don't know that he's on hold waiting for him to pick up on him. He wants to be let on the air and not get hung up on anymore.
Howard said that for those of you who think that Eric isn't calling the show, he is on hold. He said he likes to torture him that way. He then said that Howard TV is going to do a Day in the Life for Eric. Robin thinks that it's going to be sad. Howard said there's nothing wrong with sad.
A caller told Howard that he went to high school with Eric and he made them put in an elevator for him. The guy said Eric ruined high school for him because they had to tear out ramps and stuff just for his wheel chair. Howard said he could see how that might be annoying. Fred played some jack hammer sounds while they were discussing that.
Howard asked the guy what he does for a living. The guy said he's a land surveyor. He said he was going to run for President but things didn't work out. The guys goofed on him about the complaints he had about Eric wanting access to toilets and stuff. Howard asked him if he's bothered that Eric is more famous than him. The guy said Eric never left the basement either so he didn't even need those ramps. Artie got in on the goofing and made fun of him complaining that they had to do all of this construction for his wheelchair access. Fred was playing some electric wheel chair sound effects as the guy was talking about how Eric had ruined the school because of the construction.
Howard let him go and took a call from Yucko the Clown. Yucko thanked Gilbert for charging him for his DVD. Howard asked if it was true that Gilbert charged him for the DVD. Gilbert laughed and said that was true. Yucko told him to name his kid ''Kikey Hebe'' when it's born.
Gilbert said that he heard that George was upset that he was in a couple of movies where he was portrayed as a stereotypical Japanese guy and both of them were Jerry Lewis films. George said that the films were ''The Loud Mouth'' and ''Which Way to the Front.'' He said he heard back from people after the movies were made and they were upset with his portrayal of the characters. George said he wasn't upset about working with Jerry at all. He thinks that Jerry was actually a trailblazer in the film industry.
Howard said that Scott DePace is upset about this ''Scooter'' Libby case and he thinks that Libby shouldn't go to jail. Scott came in and said that he wasn't guilty to begin with and he shouldn't be going to jail. Howard said the guy was party of a conspiracy and he does deserve to be in jail. Scott claimed that Howard didn't know anything about the case but he did because he was watching the case every night.
Howard wanted Scott to tell George Takei to his face that gays adopting kids is wrong. Scott said that he does believe that's not the best situation for a child. Howard told Scott that George is probably one of the most loving men he knows and he thinks that he would be a very fit mother. Scott said he doesn't have a problem with gay people but he still thinks that it's not the best place to raise a child. He said he knows that his kids get a completely different experience from his wife than they get from him and he thinks that they need that in their lives.
Howard asked Scott if he would have a problem with his kid if he was gay. Scott said it would bother him. George was saying that Scott is basically saying that there should be laws saying that it's not right to have those kinds of things going on. Howard said this was a dumb conversation. Fred threw in a couple of Dice clips like one where he says ''Ah, you big bald fuck'' and stuff like that to goof on him. Howard let Scott go a short time later.
Jon Hein was up next with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down some of the subjects that they'll be covering today on the show. The guys ended up talking about Gilbert not touching his wife's stomach since she got pregnant. Artie said he's not sure he would want to do that either. He said he would probably do it just because he has to. After Jon was done Howard had Robin get right into her news.
At one point George Takei was talking about how great some Broadway plays were. Howard asked him why he thinks that so many gay guys like that stuff. George said it's kind of like their basketball games, it's entertainment for them. He wanted to keep going on and on about that but Howard kind of cut him off and had Robin get back to her news.
Robin read a story about a hot female teacher who was having sex with a student. The surprising thing was that the student was retarded. That led to Gilbert going nuts and doing his Andrew Dice Gottfried and a retarded character while Robin was going through the story.
Robin had another story about this show ''The Knights of Prosperity'' which was just canceled. Howard talked about how the show was supposed to be called ''Lets Rob Mick Jagger'' but he didn't want to do the show so they actually came to him and asked if he would like to be part of the show. Howard turned it down and said he didn't need that. Now the show has been canceled. Artie was kind of happy about that because he claimed that he was offered a part in the show as well.
Artie was doing a few ''Carnac'' impressions after Johnny Carson's name came up during the news. He had one that went ''A famous cowboy's horse, Eminem and OJ Simpson... Name a Trigger, a Wigger and an African American.'' Howard thought for sure that he was going to say the N-word there. Artie said he wouldn't do that. Gilbert started heading in that direction so Howard silenced him by having Robin get back to her news reports.
Not too much later Howard was playing some edited clips from Ed McMahon's audio book. Richard Christy edited the clips to make Ed talk about doing gay stuff and seeing gay stuff happening when he was working on The Tonight Show. Those clips had Gilbert and Artie cracking up laughing. That got Howard laughing pretty hard as well. Howard continued playing the clips one after the other. Robin said she need to get Ed to shut up to allow her to move on with her news stories.
Gilbert and Fred got into their ''Si, Sue, So...'' bit a little bit during the news as well. Scott DePace came back in after Robin brought up the ''Scooter'' Libby case again. He and Howard went back and forth arguing about the case for a few minutes. Howard admitted he's not that well informed about the whole case but he also believes that Scott doesn't know as much as he thinks either. He eventually kicked Scott out of there and back to the Howard TV room.
Robin told a story about gambling and Artie revealed that the gambling that he gave up earlier in the morning was actually just illegal gambling. He said he's not going to give up legal gambling in Las Vegas and Atlantic City. He said he'll do that until the day he dies. Robin wrapped up her news a short time later. Artie got in a plug for an autograph signing he's doing up in Boston at one of the Newbury Comics store. He wasn't sure which one it was.
Howard took a call from a woman who suggested that Artie use his FOX development deal to come up with a show where he and George are the Odd Couple or something like that. Howard gave Gilbert some plugs for his stuff after that and ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard started off the show talking about the big show they had for everyone this morning. He said there's this whole thing going on with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and everything is a big mess because Van Halen is supposed to be part of it but no one knows who is showing up. They've called David Lee Roth and found out he's not going. He wants to do Howard's show but he's busy doing something else. He said Gary found out that David was willing to perform with whoever showed up but it turns out Velvet Revolver is going to be performing a cover instead. Howard said he read that Sammy Hager would go too.
Howard said they don't know who's going to show up so they're not sure what to do about it. Robin said they're going to be known as the worst great band of all time because of the way they have no way of getting along with each other. Howard said the best was when Blondie showed up to get into the Hall of Fame and Debbie Harry refused to perform with the original band. Howard said that was a great fight that continued right up to that induction.
Howard said it was really weird when Beth called him the other day. She told him that she was out walking their dog and she got into a while thing with a group of six black teenagers. Howard said she walked the dog to a pet store where they can browse the toys and stuff. She was walking toward the store when about 6 teens, about 16 or 17, stopped her and then one of the kids blew a whistle into Bianca's ear. He said the dog started shaking from the noise. He said the dog isn't very tough so she freaked out at the noise. Howard said that dog is like a battered wife, she'll just sit there.
Beth asked the kid if that made him feel better doing that. The kid told her they did nothing and called her a ''fuckin' white cunt'' among other things. Howard said that really bummed him out when he heard that. He said it really just sucks dick when that happens.
Howard also said that Robin wrote Beth an e-mail and it made her cry. Howard had forgotten to tell Beth that Blaze had died over the weekend. Artie didn't even realize that because he was out on Monday. He said he felt really bad about that. Howard thought he was full of shit but Artie really did feel bad for Robin over the death of her horse.
Robin said she sent Beth the e-mail and told her that it was hard for her to believe that Blaze wasn't around anymore. Robin is getting some of his ashes and some of his hair to keep as a reminder. Howard said he thought that was insane. Robin said she knew he'd react like that. She's growing her ash collection though.
Howard said he knew kids who would smash frogs heads in when they were kids. They would look at them as if they were bugs and he just doesn't get that. He said the whole Beth thing made him depressed yesterday. George asked Robin where she's going got keep Blaze's ashes. She hasn't gotten them yet so she's not sure. George said he keeps his dog's ashes right in his bedroom. Robin told George she got some of Vincent Price's ashes from Joan Rivers. She said she's got to find a place to keep him too.
Artie asked Howard if that was the end of the Beth story. Howard said that was it other than the kids following her down the street calling her names for a little while. He said a lot of stuff has really been bumming him out. He's got a lot of stuff going on lately and it seems like one thing after the other and that thing really got to him.
Howard said that he and Beth are going out to dinner with Robin so he asked if Mr. X is going with them. Robin said he will be there but then Howard said he thought he hated fancy restaurants. He said Mr. X was acting like a bit of a dick the last time they went out. Artie thought he was being funny that night but Dana thought he was being kind of harsh. Robin said she just ignores him.
King of All Blacks called in and said that he's not calling Beth a racist but it's kind of funny how she knew exactly how many black teens there were. He was laughing as he was talking about that but even Howard said he wasn't sure exactly how many there were. He was just telling the story. King seemed to be looking for some spin on the racism thing. That led to Howard playing some clips of George Takei from his audio book that Richard edited to have him saying stuff about ''lengthy black boys'' and stuff like that.
Howard said it looked like Artie had gained weight since Monday when they weighed everyone in. George said he wouldn't be surprised because of the amount of food he sees him eating. He described some of the food he had seen him eating and it was amazing how much he can eat. George thought he had eaten a hamburger for lunch yesterday but it turned out it was a sausage on a roll. George said he'd hate to see the amount of skin that would be hanging off of Artie if he lost a lot of weight.
Artie said he doesn't think that Benjy won't be the guy to lose the most weight in the contest they're holding. Artie just doesn't care and says he was forced into the competition. He's not going to try and lose weight like the other guys are.
King of All Blacks called back in and said that Beth should have responded to those black kids by saying ''fuck you, you black motherfuckers.'' Howard said ''Oh yeah...'' as if it was a great idea. He said that wouldn't have been a good idea at all because there's no reason to try and put someone in their place hoping that they won't go crazy. King said his friends are all intimidated by white people so he doesn't think anything bad would have happened. He wondered what kind of shit they were wearing but Howard didn't have that much detail about them.
King asked Howard if Beth or even he called those guys the N-word when they were talking about the incident. Howard said it never crossed his mind and it never came out of Beth's mouth either. That led to King asking Howard if there's anything about that chick that isn't perfect. He was also wondering if there's anything about her that annoys him. Howard said he can't think of anything. He wanted out of the conversation so he let King go after that.
Another caller, Jim, said he wanted to be known as the King of all Whites. He went on to tell Howard that Beth should have beaten the crap out of those kids with her long legs when they did that stuff to her. Howard zoned out during that call so he just moved on to the next one. The next caller asked how Howard can let Beth walk around the streets of New York alone. Howard said if you can't do that, there's something wrong. The guy said that Beth should be be protected like a national treasure and not be left alone on the streets.
Another caller said that Beth shouldn't have been so confrontational and should have had more of a human reaction to what the kid did to the dog. Howard thought the guy was nuts and said she did have a human reaction, she asked the kid if that made him feel better blowing that into the dog's ear. The caller didn't think that she had the right reaction though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Beth should carry a gun. Another guy asked if Beth has ever farted in front of him. Howard said he's never heard a fart come out of her and he's never smelled anything either. He said he farts in front of her but he feels horrible when he does. She's sometimes said that it smells like there's a bowel movement in the bed with them. He said he won't do that in front of her until they're actually married.
Howard said there was a picture of him in Us magazine from when they were in Florida and he's not even sure how they got the picture. He said he's smiling and Beth is smiling and they say that Beth was at the pool showing off her engagement ring. Beth said all she was doing was wearing it. She wasn't showing it off.
Siobhan called in and said that she's offering her services to Howard and said if she was with Beth yesterday, that incident wouldn't have happened. She said she can be very scary looking when she wants to be. She would have told Beth to go and she would have taken care of those kids for her. Robin asked who would protect Beth from Siobhan. Siobhan said that ''oh come on'' when she heard that.
Howard told Siobhan that he got her letter and he can't give her any money. Siobhan owes her brother a lot of money and Howard said he can't help out. She said she kind of knew that was going to happen but Howard would get the money back if he loaned it to her. She didn't want to talk about it because it was too depressing. Howard let her go after that.
Another caller said that Beth did the right thing with those kids and you just don't want to confront people like that. The caller also said he loves the show and told them they're the best. Howard thanked him for that and let him go.
Howard said as long as he was talking about Beth, he asked Sal to stop e-mailing her. He said she really doesn't want to hear from him anymore. Sal has been asking her to forgive him for what he did to her. Howard told her not to write her back because he's extremely creepy. Sal came in and said that he was trying to do the right thing by apologizing. Howard told him to stop writing her. Sal told him it's been 7 weeks since he wrote to her. Howard told him to just stop.
Sal said he thought enough time had gone by since he did what he did. He had made some jokes about Beth in his comedy routine and she found out about it. Gary said that Sal is so obsessed with her that he wanted to come in during the earlier discussion to include himself in it. He said he's like a stalker. Sal kept saying that he let 7 weeks go by before writing to her. Howard told him to not be involved with his life off the air. He said it's bothering him and bothering her so just leave her alone.
Sal asked if he did the wrong thing by apologizing to Beth. Howard told him it's the 9 millionth time he's done it so, yes, it was wrong. Sal said he did it just once. Sal said he guesses he's not invited to the wedding. Howard said Beth figured that's what this was all about. He's trying to get into the wedding so he's apologizing for the whole thing.
Howard said he's going to bring Sal's letter in on Monday. He said he's just a creep and Beth really wants nothing to do with him.
Howard said Sal took that call and called a bunch of people with the audio clips. Howard played one where the woman on the phone got pissed at Eric yelling at him for calling her. In the next call Sal called Gary the Retard and told him Eric was upset with him for hanging up on him. Gary said he never called him so he didn't know what he was talking about. Sal then played some of the Eric clips and got Gary all pissed off at him. Gary was calling him a ''fucking midget'' and bragging that he can walk while Eric can't.
Howard got the real Eric on the phone and asked him what he thought about that. Eric was upset about the kid who called in yesterday and claimed he went to school with him. Howard said he was actually sticking up for him while that guy called in. Eric said he didn't force any construction at the school, there was a girl 2 grades ahead of him that did all of that stuff. He just benefited from it.
Howard said the guy was also claiming that there was a big guy who wheeled him around and he was a big asshole from what the guy said. Eric said they were just trying to be ADA (American's with Disabilities Act) compliant at the school. Howard said he did stick up for Eric during that call so he shouldn't be upset with him.
Howard told Eric that Howard TV would like to do a Day in the Life show about him but it might be too depressing. Eric said he's not sure if he'd want to do it. He said he really doesn't do all that much. Howard asked him what he does all day. Eric said he had to go get his teeth cleaned at the dentist yesterday. Howard said that would have been a good day to be there.
Howard asked Eric how he gets out of bed in the morning. Eric said he has a normal bed that's low to the ground. Howard asked him if he wakes up with a hard on. Eric said ''doesn't everyone?'' Howard asked him how he goes pee. Eric has a plastic toilet that he pees in first thing in the morning. He goes in that and then has to dump it out in the toilet. Howard asked him what he does if he has to shit. Eric didn't get a chance to answer because George was asking him if he has assistance and what he has in his life that's enjoyable.
Howard asked Eric what he eats during the day. Eric said he doesn't eat much at all. Robin figured he gets on the internet and starts getting bugged by everyone. Howard figured he gets on that SternFanNetwork and starts in on his thread. Robin asked if he does his American Idol updates. Eric said this season has been kind of boring so he's not really bothering with it. That led to them talking about this guy Sanjia who was on the show and is now off. Howard said the theory is that it's possible that the Indians are messing with the phones and getting that guy votes. Howard told Eric to write that on his blog.
Howard said he thinks that he could get through the fist round of American Idol if he picked the right song to sing. He sang a few songs but Eric told him there's no way he would ever make it past the first round. Howard wanted to sing against Eric but Eric wasn't into it. He said he wasn't prepared to do it so he wasn't going to sing. Howard told him that if he was a singer, he would just start singing and do it without preparation. Artie joked that Howard's performance was great and Eric's could be great too. Fred and Robin goofed on Eric singing ''My Sharona'' as Eric. Eric said he wasn't going to sing after hearing that.
Eric announced that his birthday is coming up this Sunday. He's turning 32 so Howard wished him a happy birthday. He wasn't supposed to live past 19 so he's a little miracle. Artie told him he's playing on the house's money at this point. Howard let him go a short time later and played the prank calls that Sal had made using his audio clips.
Howard said when Congressman Weiner called in yesterday, they talked about the terrestrial radio thing and how they're claiming that they're not competing with satellite. Howard said if that were true, why would they name their stations ''Free FM?'' That led to them talking about the XM/SIRIUS merger for a short time. The guys all think that the merger should be allowed to go through. There are a lot of people saying it shouldn't be allowed to go through down in Washington.
Howard got back to the Star Jones discussion and played a clip of her talking on a TV show last night and still breathing heavy as if she weighed 300 pounds. They said she sounded like Darth Vader in that clip. They got back to the Eric the Midget clips again and Howard replayed the call to Gary the Retard that Sal made.
Double A called in and said that the whole Beth O thing was bullshit. He also said that it was awesome to have Mr. Takei in there this week. He asked if they could have him in all the time. George said he'd love to be there all the time but he lives out in California and has a career outside of the show as well. He said he's go ''Heroes'' and some other things. His agent also asked him to mention the web site for the movie he just did so he got in a mention for NinjaCheerleaders.com. Howard said those chicks are hot too. He said they really did it for him. George told Howard that one of the girls, Ginny, was a very good actress and she had some good skills. One of the girls just turned 18 while they were filming the movie. Double A asked him if he got wood while working with them. George just laughed, he didn't know that kind of language.
Double A wanted to come in and meet George when those girls come in to promote the movie. He mispronounced his name a few times but George didn't seem to mind because the pronunciation means ''expensive'' in Japanese. Howard read through a few e-mails he got about George being on the show. People really seem to like him on the show and they let Howard know. He had to go to break after that.
After playing that he said they went and asked the Wack Pack if they think Artie is back on drugs. He played the ''Wack Pack Feedback'' bit that Sal put together. Wendy the Retard said she hopes that he's not on drugs and he should just smoke weed if he does anything. Riley Martin said that it's a pure fabrication that Artie is on drugs. He said he will either overcome or he will not. Blue Iris got in on that as well and said she hopes he gets some medication to help him out. She said it's also hard to suck his cock with that fat there. Jeff the Drunk and Gary the Retard also got in some quick comments about Artie. Neither of those two were big fans of his.
George asked Artie how he can take all of that. Artie just deals with it. Howard took a call from a guy who said he almost puked when he heard the song Fred played as they were coming out of break. Fred played a little bit of that Larry Pierce song for Howard since he had kind of missed it coming back from break. Howard said that guy really is good. He said he was shocked when he saw that guy when he came in.
Howard asked the caller how he can't like that guy. The guy said he likes it but he was grossed out by one of the lines. Howard said that Artie is going to be doing a comedy thing soon for Comedy Central. Artie said it's a special where they're going to have new comics making their TV debut.
Howard thinks that Artie and George should really do the Odd Couple remake and put it on Broadway or something. Fred played more of the Larry Pierce songs so they could hear some of his other stuff. He played Larry's ''There Ain't Nothin Like a Good Hard Fucking'' and ''Will You Swallow My Cum.''
Howard played some porn clips of this guy who likes to talk while he's dropping his loads. He describes what's going on in detail.
George was telling Artie about the kind of pizza he likes to eat and how healthy it is. Artie said he's not interested. Lisa G got back to her news preview and said they'll be talking to the author of an article for High Times magazine. They reported on Artie smoking weed with Peter Boyle on the set of a TV show. Lisa said they'll be talking about Bubba's show coming from Las Vegas this weekend. Gary is going to be out there this weekend and said that Tim Sabean is going to be there.
Howard said he loves Vegas. Beth just got back from there but she didn't seem to enjoy it the way he does. He said it is a boy's town. Artie said it's like a rolling fun cart out there with all of the stuff you can do. Howard said things must have been insane out there when Sammy Davis Jr. and Dean Martin were out there.
Artie said John gave him a John Entwhistle DVD and he actually watched it. He said the guy was talking to him and it was really tough to see him stuttering in front of him the way he was. Howard said the worst is after they interview him and he wants to talk to him off the air. His stutter is just awful and it takes a while to get through a conversation. Robin was doing an impression of him but Fred's was much better so he went into his impression.
Howard said he likes that John gets pissed off at women because they won't talk to him. That led to Artie and Fred doing impressions of him going off on the women he hates. He calls them names and curses them out like crazy.
Howard had John come in so they could start this debate. They were going to give each of the guys 30 seconds for each issue. The guys got up to their podiums for this event. John was stuttering up a storm already. Howard asked him if he thinks Fred's impression is right on. John said it is very good.
Howard told John that he was only going to have 30 seconds during this debate and wondered if he was going to be able to do that. John said he wrote down some stuff and he stutters less when he reads so he should be fine. Howard quickly moved on and said that the first subject was going to be whether or not gay marriage should be allowed in the United States. Scott DePace was first to give his thoughts on that. Scott said he talked about it yesterday. He said he doesn't think it should be allowed. His time was up so John the Stutterer started to give his thoughts on it. He read his notes so he didn't stutter too much. He had quite a bit written down but his 30 seconds were up and he kept talking. They couldn't stop him. Everyone was telling him to stop and Fred kept playing his buzzer sound to stop him but he couldn't stop talking.
Howard told John that he had to stick to the 30 second thing. Scott DePace wanted to rebut his rebuttal but Howard told him he found it hard to believe he even heard his rebuttal. The two of them went back and forth arguing a little bit but John was still on the previous subject and not letting Scott get in a word. Howard told John it wasn't a debate the way he was doing things. John was screaming at Scott and telling him he was wrong.
Howard shut off John's mic but he would not stop talking. Howard told everyone to go to HowardStern.com to vote for the winner of the debate since they were out of time already. He had another topic but he was afraid that John wouldn't be able to abide by the rules. Fred was still playing the buzzer sound that he played throughout John's rant.
Howard asked Scott for his thoughts on Global Warming. Scott gave his answer, very calmly, and ran out his 30 seconds. Then John the Stutterer tried to get out his thoughts but had some stuttering problems. He ran out of time before getting out his thoughts. He claimed he didn't have it in his script so that's why it wasn't coming out any quicker.
Howard went around the room and asked Robin for her thoughts. She was picking John as the winner. George Takei said he would have to go with Scott because of the imbalance of the whole thing. Howard took a call from a guy who said this whole thing was horrible and he wanted to beat his head against a wall. Howard got some instant feedback about the poll on HowardStern.com and found that John was ahead with 71 percent of the vote so far.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up some stuff with the ''Scooter Libby'' case and gave Scott some details about that. Scott didn't care and told the guy he was so boring. Howard took another call from Yucko who disguised his voice at first and then told John that he sucked.
John started to go off on Scott again and started to get into one of his uncontrollable rants. Howard told him he had already won so he should give it up. Howard had Fred answer as John instead. Fred went into one of his hard core impressions with spitting and stuttering like crazy. Then the real John started to stutter so Fred was making it worse by repeating after him. There was a lot of ''I, I, I, I, I'' going on.
Howard even took a call from John the Stutterer (audio clips) and let him stutter out a few lines. Fred asked for one more question for the debate. Howard gave them the subject of ''Scooter'' Libby and asked them for their thoughts on whether or not he should be jailed. Scott gave his quick thoughts and then John started yelling again. He got angry and pissed and said he thinks he should be in jail, fuck 'em!''
Howard thought that John really had won the debate with his views on the Libby case and some other things. John actually had some good arguments but he was screaming them all out. He was telling Scott that if he can have his conservative views and still go out and have fun having pre-marital sex and going to Scores, then gays should be allowed to get married.
Howard and Scott were arguing about the gay marriage thing so John started yelling at Scott to go suck Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity's dick. Howard took a call from a guy who said Scott sounds exactly like Rush Limbaugh when he talks about this stuff.
Irish John asked Howard when they're going to end this gay shit and get some hot chicks in there. Howard said they actually had some hot chicks coming in after this debate. Brent Hatley from the Bubba the Love Sponge Show called in and said that the 14th amendment says that all laws should be applied to all people equally so gays should be allowed to get married. Howard asked Brent what they had coming up on Bubba's show. He said that they have Ned doing his stand-up act today. Scott said they have nothing going on over at that show. Scott and Brent went back and forth on a couple of things but Howard had to cut it short.
Howard said that the audience had voted and they picked John as the winner. Artie goofed on Scott a little bit as he was doing his Rush Limbaugh impression. He said that they had a retard representing them this morning and that's why they lost the debate.
Bong Hit Eric called in and said the debate was great. He also said he loved Fred's impression of John the Stutterer. He said he got it spot on. Howard said that the polls had taken a swing... John the Stutterer had even more of a lead than he did before. He's now ahead with 73 percent of the vote. Howard asked John if he's going to stop sending Scott his letters. John said he is going to do that.
Yucko the Clown called in and started calling John some names so that got John yelling at him without letting him get in a word. Howard thanked the two of them for that and started to go to break a short time later. Scott and John shook hands as they were wrapping up. Howard interrupted the ending music for the segment and said he had a new John the Stutterer song parody to play. He played that one which was to the tune of a Who song. John the Stutterer missed the song so Howard told him what they had just played. John was at a loss for words. Howard replayed the song so John could hear it. John tried to comment on it but had some trouble so Howard just ended it and went to commercial.
In another clip Riley is asked about Tim Sabean's phone call and if they have been working on contract negotiations. Riley said he was supposed to get a call on Monday but Tim didn't call him. He didn't get a call until Tuesday afternoon. He said he sat around all day on Monday waiting for that call, failing to do things he needed to do because of that. He said he was waiting around for rich white people to call the poor Negro man.
Howard played another clip where Riley talks about ''thought liquid'' which is something that the aliens give people. His co-host was asking the questions about this stuff and Riley filled him in on the details. Riley rambled on and on but didn't make a lot of sense. Robin said she thinks he's running out of bullshit. He might be working on new stuff but it's just not good yet. Howard did his impression of Riley a little bit and got back to the clip. He still didn't have any idea what Riley was talking about though.
Howard had another clip where Riley was trying to sell a caller one of his Symbols. The caller thought he might be part Biahvian so Riley told him that the entire human species might have part Biahvian in them. He told him that within the next 30 days they should give him a sign because he is very special. He told him to get a symbol for himself and for his family.
Riley called in and told Howard that they can debate that the whole entire listening audience is just as stupid as he is. He went off on Howard yelling at him and talking about the kind of money they should be paying him. He said he just wants a decent salary. Howard told him he's got to do better with his line of bullshit if he wants more money. Howard told him that maybe he could generate some money with his thought liquid. Riley said that they have to be able to come up with more money for him. He's only getting $300 every two weeks and he thinks it's ridiculous that they can give away ten grand to someone who is willing to take a load on the face. George Takei told Riley that he could be part of the Heroes show with his thought process. Howard thanked Riley for the call and Riley left him with a ''You fucking dork...'' over and over again. It turns out it was just audio clips of Riley and they had fooled George once again. George said it couldn't have been a tape but Howard assured him it was.
Howard gave George a plug for the Ninja Cheerleaders movie that's coming out this summer. George also said he'll be doing a Star Trek Convention out in California in a few weeks and he'll be there with some stars from Heroes and from Star Trek. William Shatner won't be at that one but he will be at another convention later this year. He said he's heard that Shatner gets $30,000 to do those conventions and he doesn't work as hard as the rest of them do. He gets that and he charges for his autographs. George said Bill doesn't even look at these people.
George said that he and the others who do those conventions look at it as if they're saying thanks to these supporters of theirs so they treat them differently than Bill does. Howard asked George how much they charge for those autographs. George said it's $80 per autograph. Howard said that's kind of disturbing and wondered if George thought the same. George said it is a capitalist society so if there are people willing to pay, why not.
Howard wondered if he would get a word in with Shatner if he paid that kind of money for the autograph. George said that Bill has told the fans to ''get a life'' before but they still keep paying for his autograph. Howard said that Bill would have starved to death if those conventions hadn't come around. George said after the show was done, he went up to visit his family up in Toronto. He was watching TV and had seen William Shatner doing a local furniture commercial. It was right after the 3 years of Star Trek had aired. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. He said he does have some sympathy for him because he has had a lot of things happen to him in his life.
Howard played an audio clip for George where William Shatner is reading a commercial and the engineer asks him for some more emotion. Shatner gives him a hard time and goofs on the guy asking him to tell him how he'd like him to say it. The guys got some laughs out of that. George was laughing pretty hard hearing Shatner giving the guy a hard time the way he was. Howard said Shatner's read in the beginning was spectacular. George said that his evil can be witty as well so that was showing in that clip. He just won't let go of things when he gets a hold of them.
George said that they went as late as 1am when they'd shoot Star Trek because Bill would have so many difficulties. He said they'd get long lunches just waiting for Bill to come around and get things in order. Artie said that if you get a reputation like that it can be a nightmare. He said if you give them a hard time enough, they'll just stop hiring you.
Howard figured it has to burn George's ass that Shatner acts the way he does and makes more money than he does. George said it really doesn't bother him. He said that the fans keep paying to see him so it's fine. Artie said that Shatner did sit there and take it when they roasted him on the Comedy Central Roast. George said he went up to Shatner and whispered to him ''I love you'' and Bill just said ''You really mean that, didn't you?''
Howard asked the girls about this Fever Drink. Brianne said that it's a herbal drink and it's got stuff like Horny Goat Weed in it that will stimulate your whole body. Brianne said that she's a singer so Howard asked her to do a little bit of that for them. She sang a little so Howard told her to try out for American Idol. She wasn't so sure about that show and didn't want to do it.
Howard asked Brianne if she gets off after drinking this Fever Drink. She said that she does that and masturbates after drinking it. She doesn't really have time to date guys but she's fine with just being with herself. Howard asked her if she gets hit on by celebrities. She said she does but she won't date them. She will go to dinner though.
Howard asked the girls what this drink really does. Dasha said that it makes you all hypered up. Howard asked the girls if they wanted to ride the Sybian. They weren't sure what that was. He found out they drank two bottles of the Fever Drink. Howard told them to try out the Sybian. They wanted Howard to drink some of this stuff but he didn't want to do it. Artie volunteered to try it. Richard Christy said he had been drinking it for about an hour and he was feeling something. He asked if they wanted to see what it was doing. Howard said he didn't but Brianne wanted to see his dick. Richard whipped it out and there was nothing going on down there. It wasn't working for him. Richard started to put his penis in the bottle bit Howard told him not to do that. Richard said George might want to see that. George told him it was nice.
Howard said he already has something to make girls horny, he has a bank account. He asked the girls if they wanted to ride this Sybian thing. They really weren't interested. Gary said that the girl on the left just thinks she's the shit and is wound too tight. Dasha said she would ride it though. Howard sent her over to the machine and told her to take her pants off. She didn't want to take them off. Mike Gange said she may not have been wearing underwear. Dasha said she was so she showed the guys what she was wearing.
Howard said he didn't think that Dasha was going to feel the machine through her pants. She said she could feel it so Howard let her try. She got on the machine and said it did feel good. Richard asked if there was a drink that would make her shut up. She was very talkative. Howard said this drink isn't doing shit and the girls weren't horny at all. She said she needed a guy but when Howard told Artie to go over, she said ''No!''
Howard said that these were the two least horny girls and the drink obviously doesn't work. They swore it was but Howard said that alcohol works better at making chicks horny. The girls said that the stuff makes you feel good and that's why people should drink it. Artie said that Crystal Meth works, that's why that stuff sells so well. He said he thinks this stuff is going to fall flat on it's face.
Sal came in and said he could help the segment... He told the girls to get the fuck out of there. Howard wrapped up with them after giving them some plugs for FeverUSA.com. Howard said that was some segment they had right there. Those girls weren't turned on at all. Howard said he's never going to drink that stuff if that's what it does to chicks.
Artie said that hey should have a note on the bottle that says ''Makes chicks horny, just add one hot guy.'' Gary said that the girls were out in the hall talking about what haters they are. Howard said he didn't hear any evidence that they were horny.
Howard took some phone calls after that. The guys calling in weren't so thrilled with their segment. One guy said that they could market that stuff as the new Ambien because they had just put all of North America to sleep. Howard said he might give that stuff to his daughters to make them the opposite of horny.
Howard said that yesterday was the 10th anniversary of the release of ''Private Parts.'' He got some mail about that. There was also some mail about Robin and the way she's been interrupting the show way too much lately. Someone asked if Chris Rock was going to be on the show anytime soon. Howard said that he will be in next week actually and it will be the first time on satellite so they'll be able to talk normally with him.
Howard read an e-mail from a guy who was upset about Artie and Howard's black impressions. That guy went off on the two of them. There was also some feedback about Gilbert Gottfried's visit to the show yesterday. Some people loved it but others hate when he's on.
Someone wrote in and complained that they're thinking about bringing Jackie back to the show. Howard said he wasn't even considering that so he's not sure what the guy was talking about. There were a couple of people who wrote in about that subject. Howard said that George Takei didn't get one negative e-mail. The guy is loved by everyone.
Bong Hit Eric called in and said that maybe that sex drink would work on Robin and maybe they'd get to see her breasts if she drank it. Howard said he didn't see any evidence that it works at all so he's pretty sure it won't work on Robin.
Another caller told Howard he knew a woman who worked for the convention company that put on the Star Trek conventions and gave them a rundown of the money he was getting to do them. He said Shatner was getting $50,000, not the 30 that George thought. George said he was not aware of that and it was very interesting. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said he wanted to get Mike Walker in there. He had him on the line ready to play his gossip game. He gave him some plugs for his stuff. Mike and George spent a short time talking Japanese to each other. Howard said they were actually speaking ''gay'' to each other. Howard thought Mike was making odd noises and groans when he was talking but George said that's actually what the Japanese do when they speak. Howard wanted to know some curse words in Japanese but there really aren't that many according to Mike and George. There are a couple though so they filled Howard in on those.
George said Mike speaks very good Japanese and he's very impressed with him. Mike said he used to do a radio show speaking Japanese. Howard had Mike get on to his game which goes a little something like this... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Alice went on to say that Hollywood is evil and Artie shouldn't go out there. She wants him to stay on the show and stay away from the evil Hollywood. She wouldn't want him to get caught up in a bunch of flops. Howard asked Artie what he thinks about all of this. Artie said she's actually making a lot of sense. Alice went on to say that she's glad that Artie can sit in that chair but she doesn't want Jackie to get mad at her for saying that. George told her that it was great to hear her singing the praises for Artie. Howard thanked Alice for the call and let her go.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she loves Artie and she's waiting for him to come down her way so she can catch him. When Howard asked her if she would date him, she said ''Oh No!''
Steve said that they have a story about Joey Boots asking for money to help pay his bills and to get a hooker. That led to Artie talking about how worried he is about Joey now that he's back on the path of darkness. He said he was back on the right track for a while and he wants to see him going back in that direction.
Crazy Alice called back in and said that Howard had cut her off. Howard said she had made her point already so that's why he cut her off... and cut her off again as she was yelling at him calling him an asshole.
Howard had Steve wrap up his news preview. Steve mentioned the Howard 100 News Week in Review show that airs Friday nights at 7pm. Alice then called back and started yelling at him again. Howard immediately hung up on her and moved on to Jon Hein. Jon ran down the list of things they were going to be covering on The Wrap Up Show today. They'll be talking about John the Stutterer, the Fever Girls, Beth's run-in with the teens out on the street and more.
Howard went to Mutt who was on the phone to give a rundown of tonight's Superfan Roundtable. Mutt said they'll be talking about Artie tonight because they're all worried about him. Mutt said they'll also talk about the Battle of the Blobs contest. The guys spent a short time talking about the contest and how a lot of the guys are already giving up after just a couple of days. Howard heard that Mike Gange isn't working out because he just had his wisdom teeth taken out.
Howard said he thinks that Jon Hein has a good shot at losing some weight and could win. Benjy is going all out to lose the weight so he's got a good chance to win as well. Benjy said that Artie could jump into it and could take it if he started now. Gange said that he really can't do anything hard core because he had 4 wisdom teeth pulled recently. His mouth hurts from that so he can't work out. Howard said he will never win this thing. He said he'll lose 30 pounds at best.
Howard told Gange he should be able to go from 247 down to about 200 in 8 weeks. Artie asked him how long he's going to be out with his mouth pain. Gange said he's not sure. He said he put it off too long and they had to pull them out finally. Howard kicked him out and said this wasn't the Gange show. Benjy said that he heard that Ralph is asking for money from Jason to help him out with his diet. Howard said he heard that from Ralph and he's not working for free with anyone anymore. Jason said he's actually considering giving him a percentage if he does help him out.
Howard asked Mutt what else they have coming out. He said they're going to talk about the new streamer software that they're checking out. Mutt said he saw it for a minute or so but that was about it. They don't have it on right now. Howard said they'll be testing the hell out of it over the next few weeks.
Ralph called in and said that of course he's not going to help Jason out for free. He said he wants to make money if he helps someone out like that. He wasn't sure how much but estimated that he'd want between $5-7,000 for that help! Artie said that's 25 percent of his winnings. Jason told him to forget it if that's how much he wants. He said he'd rather give himself a shot if that's the kind of money he wanted. Jason said it's only going to be like $12,000 total after taxes anyway so he wouldn't get that much money.
Howard said Ralph has some titties and a belly lately so he's not so sure he'd be helping Jason out that much. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Howard told George that Chris is the guy who called him as Ricardo Montalban. Chris said he used to call George as Louie Anderson and ask him to do Family Feud. Chris has been calling him for years. Howard played the call that they were talking about where Kidd calls as Ricardo Montalban and asks George all kinds of wacky questions. Chris was laughing as Howard was playing the call. George said he should have known that it was a prank call much sooner than he should have.
Howard asked how Chris got George's phone number. He said that deejays share numbers so that's how he got it. He also said that he can get them from caller ID listings and stuff. Chris said that it was great to meet George and he seems to be very open and a little more fun than he used to be. Artie said that call was his favorite of all time.
Howard had Robin get into her news but he interrupted and spoke to Chris a little more about what's going on with him. Chris said that he's engaged now. Howard had no idea and thought that he was breaking up with that broad. He said the last time he talked to him he was ready to break up with her. Chris said she's all over him even more than he's on her. He said he actually turns her down more than she turns him down.
Howard also said that Chris used to beat off to his parents having sex. Chris said it was just one time and he was in his own room, he just heard the noises and got off on it. Howard played some porn clips of the guy who likes to talk about dropping his loads as Chris was talking about that.
Howard asked Chris when he popped the question and found out it was right before Christmas. Chris said he had her pick the ring out since he had no idea what kind of diamond to get. Howard still seemed to be in a little bit of shock over Chris' engagement.
Howard said Beth is going to be co-hosting The View on either March 27th or the 29th. He wasn't quite sure which date it was. He said she wanted him to call into the show but he's not sure he wants to do that. It's supposed to be about her, not about him.
Howard said he couldn't get over the fact that Chris used to beat off to his parents. He and Robin were both looking at him differently now. Chris said he used to have friends call him and he'd jerk off as he listened to them having sex. Howard said it's no wonder he's getting married.
After taking a break during the news Howard read through the top 5 songs after Fred played a song that was the number one on the Billboard charts. He quickly went through the songs and played quick clips of each one. At one point Howard was playing all 5 songs at the same time and said he liked it better. Kidd Chris said that not one of those songs was worth stealing.
Howard had George Takei do one last Announcement before they wrapped up the show. Robin got back to her news and went through a few more things before they ended the show. Howard took a call from a guy who complained about Will screening the calls in the office. Will came in and said that he heard the guy wanted to bitch about Artie so he put him up. The guy complained that he's called before and will has hung up on him. Howard hung up on him after that.
Another caller, Yetti, said that Chris once shit on the floor when he was banging some black chick. Chris said he did do that because he was ''turtling'' at the time and let one go on her floor. He just kicked it under her bed and left it there. He also talked about this gay midget he knew and how he learned to ride a bicycle at his house. He said the kid was his height at the time but had a huge head and a squished body. He said the guy would jerk off in front of him and try to get him to touch it. He said the midget had a huge cock and huge hips. He wouldn't touch the guy though. The caller asked if he could come on his show and he'd be willing to suck his cock to get on the show. Kidd said the guy calls his show all the time and talks about shit like that.
Late in the show the guys were talking about both Star Wars and Star Trek. Artie brought up a scene from the original Star Wars where Darth Vader was choking a guy without touching him and telling him that his insubordinance disturbed him. Howard said he doesn't think that those early Star Wars movies held up very well. Artie thought they did. Robin said she can't watch them after seeing the newer ones because they were so bad. That led to them talking about the Star Trek movies as well. George talked about the kind of money he was getting in the later movies. He said he was making somewhere around $500,000 to do those. Howard got in another plug for George's new movie ''Ninja Cheerleaders'' while they were talking about all of that.
Ralph called in and said that there weren't very many good Star Trek movies made. Howard had to wrap up during all of that because it was getting so late in the show. Robin got back to her news and finished up a short time later. Howard wrapped up and ended the show around 11:05am.
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Howard said he was busy talking to his editor last night about his book. They're working on getting that put together. He said he's also been dieting trying to slim down. He talked about how great the diet has been lately and how quick he's dropping weight even while eating like a pig. The diet is very bland but he can eat a lot of stuff. He's going to try and put some muscle on and Robin is going to jump out of that booth on to him. He said she's going to be all over him after he puts on this muscle. He's sick and tired of looking like hell. Howard was debating on what to do next and if he should read her this thing he had. He decided to go to break instead.
Howard mentioned that Ted Nugent was going to stop by the show today. They talked about Ted's hunting and how they might try to get a PETA person in there to debate him. That led to Howard and Robin talking about a news story about a duck that was shot in the neck with an arrow and ended up on the news.
Gary told Howard that King of All Messengers was on the phone to play a couple of great prank calls he made. Gary said he got yelled at by some guy who said it was wrong when they make these prank calls. He told the guy they don't make the calls, the fans are the ones making the calls.
Howard said that Gary isn't the Type A personality that he'd like him to be. He said Dan Foreman from the Channel 9 show was Type A. He did an impression of Dan for a short time and goofed on him a little bit. He told Gary that he's a Type Z or something. He said Gary will do his job but he's not a go-getter like Dan was. He told Gary he'd fire Gary and Fred if Dan wanted to be his producer on the radio show. Robin was surprised to hear that he'd fire Fred like that. Fred asked who was going to pick up Dan's dead body if he got fired.
Howard was talking about some of the stuff that Fred has written for the show lately and how some of it should be getting on the air soon. Fred sounded a little upset about Howard's comments about firing him so he was going off on Howard and Robin. Howard said he likes having Gary there but he wouldn't do anything special to keep him there if he had to. He said he's really not a Type A personality. He might be if he was triplets or just had 3 heads.
Howard said Dan is the kind of guy you fire people for to get him to be the producer. He said Dan is the kind of guy who will cover news stories on the weekend when he's not even supposed to be working. Dan will even go and play racquet games in the morning before going to work. So he'll be playing those games at 4 in the morning.
Howard wanted to clarify that Gary really isn't a Type A and that he's a Type Z. Gary said that really doesn't bother him. Howard said he could see that and it's kind of sad. He said it's genetic and both of his parents aren't Type A either. Howard said Gary has the sensibilities for the show but Dan would excel at the job if he had it. Howard said Gary has the organizational skills that are good but not the drive that Dan has.
Howard talked about one time when they were doing the Channel 9 show and had Dan overloaded with stuff. He said they told him about these 900 things they wanted him to do and after they told him, they could hear him yelling out for Karen before the phone even hung up. He was already barking out commands before the phone was down.
Howard talked about some other things they've done to Dan and seen him do over the years. He said he saw Dan almost get into a fight one time. He said he had to try and keep the guy calm. Howard said Fred used to make fun of Dan and he did that because he's not a Type A himself. Fred said Dan once threatened to kill him for making fun of him doing an impression of his voice. Howard said he would get angry at Fred when he'd goof on him because he was so relentless at it. Fred would play dog growling sound effects and things like that when Dan would walk into the room.
Gary said that Fred is amazing because he's gone home and read books for the show to get some notes for them to go on when they interview people. Howard said it's not all that great but did thank Fred for doing it after Fred complained that he got no recognition for it. Howard said Fred is like a factory worker who only does what he's told. He'll spend far too much time working on one thing instead of doing a bunch of things for the show. Fred said he just tries to do his job but they continue to mock him. Fred complained about the way he's treated sometimes.
Howard said they should send over a camera to record how these guys go through and do their prank calls. He'd like to see how they work and live. King said he had another call where he calls another news channel that he gets on satellite TV. In that call he asks if he should invest in Howard Stern, Fa Fa Fooey... and a bunch of other names from the show. They hang up on him and end up talking about zero coupon bonds since that's what King started off his call with. Howard thanked King for the call and let him go after that.
Howard demonstrated how he would mute out the commercials. He had Fred play one of them so he could pot it down. Little bits and pieces of the commercial but not the whole thing. He banged on the console to make it sound like he was trying to fix something.
Howard said Tom thought it was funny until the guy started doing well in Philly and Washington. Tom thought that he was doing poorly in New York because they weren't playing the promos on his show. Howard said Tom came to him and told him he'd better play those promos. He said he doesn't love the guy all of a sudden and he's not going to help him out. He said he told Tom that he beat the guy's ass in Washington and then the guy came in and took his job after he left.
Howard goofed on Tom saying that he's like a robot and all of this stuff must overload his brain. He said he's not sure what's going to happen with all of this stuff but he wouldn't be surprised if he got fired over it. He just can't play those promos when he hears them. He doesn't have any control over the ones they play in Philly and Washington but he'd do the same thing there if he could. Howard asked if Tom wanted to come in and explain his stupidity on the air.
Howard did a robot voice as his Tom voice and goofed on him. Tom came walking in a short time later. He told Howard that he's 39 going on 14 with this stuff. Howard said he has enemies and this is the way he handles it. He told Tom that he was in Vietnam and he can't stop thinking of the 'Kong as the enemy. He said the reason he's number 1 is because he's a competitor and he's vicious. He does this stuff to stay at number 1. Howard and Robin got into their Tom robot voices and goofed on him a little more.
Tom didn't understand how this stuff was logical. Howard admitted that it wasn't logical and he knows that. Howard said he doesn't want his audience thinking that he's in step with guys like this Greaseman guy. He said if Tom wants a guy on in the morning who is willing to do whatever he wants, he might want to get a guy like Pete Fornatell. He said Pete will read anything from a card if he wants him to. Howard said his contract is up in 2 years and if he doesn't want him there anymore, he shouldn't renew his contract. He has to take the good with the bad with him.
Tom said he understands most of what he was saying but there is a difference between them advertising someone like Imus and someone like Greaseman. Howard said there is no difference there, he didn't like Imus and he didn't like the Greaseman. He said the Greaseman is an imitator and that's all there is to it. Howard told Tom that he can't suddenly switch from hating someone to liking them because his audience will call him out on it.
Howard asked Tom not to run anymore of those promos on his show. Tom said he can't do that. Howard told him that they're at an impasse then. He's not going to let them play like Tom wants him to. Howard said if they play those promos on his show, then he will defeat him and he will not be able to do a good show.
Gary told Howard that the listeners are calling in and trying to get through to talk about this stuff. Howard was going to take some calls but Tom didn't want to hear it. Howard continued to goof on Tom over all of that stuff and did his robot voice the whole time. Tom just wanted Howard to take a commercial break since Fred was trying to get him to do that. Tom got on Howard's megaphone and did an impression of himself as a robot for a few seconds.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's been listening to the station for a long time. Howard cut him off and said that it's not about the station. Tom was ready to leave but Howard didn't want him to walk out of there yet. He continued to try and explain all of this stuff to him so he'd understand why he was so upset. Robin gave him an analogy where she used the 86 Mets as an example for a team that got along. She said if you brought one guy into the mix that didn't get along with the rest of the people, they could have failed. She said that's what Tom is doing with this K-Rock team. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that he was very happy that he finally got to sleep with someone. She was a good looking girl and he was able to make it happen by nagging her until she finally gave in. She rejected him for the longest time but eventually caved in. Robin said that's almost like forcing someone to have sex. Howard said it really wasn't forced. He said it only lasted about 10 seconds though.
Howard said he was reading through these letters and found one where he was begging her to come back to him. He said it was too embarrassing to read but he did offer to read it to Robin. He wasn't sure why this woman kept the letters all these years. He wanted to call and ask why that was. She's had them since he was 16 so she's kept them for the past 23 years. Robin was having some trouble with her math trying to come up with that number. She eventually figured it out though.
Howard almost didn't read the letter but Robin really wanted to hear it. Howard said he sounded like one of those stalkers. He read through the letter where he tells this other Robin how much he misses her and wants to be with her again. He was telling her how he really needed to feel secure with her and wanted to have her back.
Howard also talked about sleeping with another girl in the letter. He was trying to build up that he had this other relationship going even though it was a bunch of crap. He signed it ''Love, Howie.'' Howard said Robin held onto that letter for over 20 years, probably to gloat over it. Howard said that all women are bitches and whores and that's why they keep that kind of crap around.
Howard said that Robin had a lot of boyfriend and she probably showed all of them his letters. Jackie said that maybe she thought he would always be on hold for her and that's why she kept the letters. Gary said that he wanted to hear from this woman Irene that Howard dated. Howard said she wasn't better than this Robin chick he dated. He said he'd like to ask this Robin why she kept the letters all these years. Robin told him that Robin always said she wanted to be his friend so maybe she did like him enough to keep the letters.
Howard said he has no female friends other than Robin Quivers and he doesn't have any because he doesn't like their awful conversation. He can't stand being just ''friends'' with women. If he does have any female friends, he's just trying to bang them.
Gary told Howard that Ted Nugent was there so they had to move on to that. Howard and Robin talked about Ted's music for a short time before they had to go to break.
Howard said there must be an ounce of compassion in him and wondered how he can kill an animal like that. Ted said there are actually too many of them out there and there are people killing them as they speak to lighten the population. Howard asked him if he ran around in a loin cloth while he was in Africa hunting. Ted was joking that his first wife was mounted on a wall at his studio. He said she actually died in a tragic car accident back in 1982 so he didn't want to make fun too much.
Howard asked Ted if he thinks that he looks ''rock and roll'' to him. Ted said he did kind of look like he was doing an Axl Rose type of thing. Ted told some hunting stories and how he goes to a ranch to hunt. Howard also talked to Ted about his kids and found out that he's got a couple of daughters and two sons. Howard had to take a break in the middle of all of that.
During the break Howard was doing a commercial for and ice cream advertiser. Howard was telling Ted about the fat free ice cream and had him taste it on the air. Ted said he liked what he was tasting and he was impressed with that. They wrapped up the commercials and came back to the show a short time later. Howard was telling Ted that they were on in about 15 cities this morning. Ted thought that was cool.
Howard said he had a woman, Kathy, from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) on the phone. She got on the phone and started in with Ted right away. Howard told the two of them he loves arguments so he wanted to hear Ted and the PETA woman go at each other. He said if he were stuck in his car on his way into work, he'd want to hear an argument.
Ted was talking about how they kill some animals to balance out the populations of some animals like Elephants. Kathy said if that was why they were killing them, they'd be killing other animals as well. Ted said that they do it just to thin out the population for some animals and others they kill for the sport. Kathy was saying that when they shoot an animal it's like shooting a body. Ted said he never killed a person and they wouldn't condone anything like that.
Ted was laughing and goofing on Kathy as she was talking about various things about these animals being killed. Ted didn't think she knew what she was talking about when she made a mistake about the state of Michigan having a fish and wildlife division when they really don't. Ted told Kathy to make her statement and he'd let her do that while staying quiet. Kathy went on to explain what she thought about killing animals. After her 30 seconds was up Ted got to talk a little bit about why he kills animals. He said that just because you go out hunting doesn't mean that you kill anything. He said he would go out hunting and not come back with anything for 17 years.
Howard said that Ted is a very patient bastard if he went hunting and didn't get anything for 17 years. Kathy said he should have kept that up then if he didn't have a problem not coming back with anything. Kathy got in some plugs for a book she had coming out called ''Monkey Business'' so Ted told her that was the right name for the book.
Howard asked Kathy if she wanted to call Ted any names. She wasn't interested in doing that herself but told Howard he could do that for her. Howard said he was staying out of it. Howard wrapped up with Kathy a short time later and said that they had to take another break. Ted was telling Howard that his wife used to get migraine headaches until she started bow hunting.
After another edited out commercial break Howard gave Ted some plugs for his magazine that he has out. Ted said he writes the magazine himself and he puts his heart and soul into it. He said his wife is also involved with it and she's very much into it as well. Howard checked out some pictures of his wife and said she was pretty hot.
Howard asked Ted if he's ever been touched by a guy who he hunted with. Ted said that did happen one night when he was staying at a hotel with his band. He had a roadie who was a really good guy. He said they went to bed one night when they were sharing a room with a bunch of guys. He said they were both sleeping on the floor and he felt this guy's hand on him as he was trying to go to sleep. Howard went through the story and asked Ted about how hairless his body is and how it's kind of muscular and lean. Ted said when the guy touched him, he just wailed on him and punched him in the face. He said he was only 19 at the time so he felt kind of horrible for reacting like that.
Ted said he doesn't think it's wrong but it's an aberration to him. He said he's really uncomfortable with that kind of stuff and it seems very strange to him. Robin said there are a lot of different lifestyles in rock and roll so he must have come across that kind of stuff before. Ted said that's true. He went on to talk about how Jimi Hendrix wanted him to do drugs with him but he refused. He said they were in this little dressing room and Jimi offered him some LSD. He said Jimi was making fun of him for not doing that and about a bunch of other things. He pointed out that Jimi ended up dying after choking on his own vomit.
Howard played some of Ted's music and gave him some plugs for his new box set. They spent a short time talking about that. Howard also talked to Ted about how he got started playing guitar and all of that. Ted said his father was scared of rock and roll so he didn't know what to think when he started to get into it. He said his father is probably proud of him but he doesn't really talk to him all that much. He said he gets to see him once in a while but not all that often. Robin asked if that's why he never got into the drugs and alcohol thing. Ted said that's really not why, because he didn't even realize what the alcohol did to his father.
Ted said his mom passed away back in 1989 and her dying words were ''Ted, this sucks...'' He said she was 60-something and she was an amazing woman with a lot of power. Howard changed subjects and asked Ted if he's had two women at the same time. Ted said he has done that. Howard asked him if he's had black women too. Ted said he has had black women as well.
Howard asked Ted about how he got this wife of his that he has now. Ted told Howard the story about how he met her so Howard asked him why he'd give up the whole groupie thing and stop getting laid like that. Ted said he was never into that stuff. Howard gave Ted another plug for his box set and played a little more of his music. He told Ted that Fred went to see him at a concert up in Hartford one time and as soon as Ted got on stage, four fist fights broke out near him so he left. Fred said he'd rather go home and listen there instead of getting beaten up.
Howard played a few more of Ted's songs as they were talking about a concert Ted was going to be doing at Jones Beach. Ted invited Fred to come out and check out the show. He promised there would be no fist fights. Howard asked Ted when he made his first million bucks. Ted said he was 22 years old when that happened. He said he worked his ass off to make that money though. Howard went to break after that.
Howard was having problems with his chair squeaking on the air so he complained about that a little bit. He also said that Robin's boyfriend was supposed to stop by this morning but Robin thought they should just throw him out. It was Penn from Penn and Teller that they were talking about. Howard said they could just get rid of him but that might not work.
Howard said the woman who was supposed to show up naked didn't show up this morning. He took a phone call after that. A caller said he worked out where Ted used to go and he'd bring all kinds of guys with him to drink and stuff.
Howard read a letter he got from a guy who claims that he was robbed and they stole his ''Crucified by the FCC'' stuff. He said it even made the police blotter.
Howard said he's going to be editing his book this weekend. He said on Sunday that's all he's going to be doing. He said he's going to meet with his editor and she'll tell him what's good and bad so he can make some changes. He told Robin that she's got some good sensibilities so he's trusting her to tell him what's good for the book.
Howard took some phone calls and lost a lot of people who weren't ready to talk on the air. One guy asked what was up with Belzer yesterday because he sounded kind of out of it on the show. Howard said he's not sure what was going on there. Howard said that he's going to prove what a commercial success he can be by doing a movie eventually. He said after that he's done.
Howard said he's going to do a movie where he won't have to worry about censorship. He figures he'll be able to fill the theaters with fans when that happens. He was also talking about how he would rather make big money at the box office to prove just how big he can be. He asked Robin to tell him about any other celebrity who has conquered the media the way he has. Robin thought for a moment and mentioned Dick Clark. Howard said he was never in the movies. He said that he is the greatest guy in show business ever. He wanted to hear that from Robin but she was thinking of some other guys. She mentioned Bob Hope but Howard said he never wrote a book.
Howard said that nobody out there has been so successful with everything he has touched. He said if he gets the proper script, he's sure he can make it a hit. He said there's noting left after a movie. He's done radio, TV, books and eventually a movie.
Howard said he's seen Penn and Teller do things that were pretty good but there are other guys like David Copperfield who do some amazing tricks. He talked about one that Copperfield had done and how they wanted to ask Penn how he did it. AS they were talking about Penn they did an impression of him talking which was just a dog bark.
Howard was talking about something that Tom Chiusano wanted to correct him on. Tom came in and corrected him so Howard pointed out that he listens to the show on a whole other level. He felt like he had to come in and correct them on something they didn't care all that much about. Howard continued to goof on Penn and how he refuses to tell them how tricks are performed when they have him in.
Howard continued to goof on Penn for a short time while Fred played the human dog barking sound clip. Gary was still sitting in the studio to avoid Penn. Someone came in and told Howard that Penn was pacing around the room out there. Howard said he had to take a break before bringing Penn in there. He really thought that Penn and Teller were going to do better with their careers. He kept asking questions of the fake Penn and Fred would keep playing the barking sounds. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said Penn looks huge and has gained a lot of weight. Penn said he really doesn't think he is. He said he thinks he weighs 250 which he's weighed forever. He's 6'6'' tall though. Howard is 6'5'' and weighs about 200 pounds.
Howard pointed out that Robin has had a crush on Penn in the past and wondered if she's upset that he doesn't call her anymore. Robin admitted to the crush but said she's really not upset that he doesn't call. Robin said they go over all of this stuff about the attitude he has about them when fans ask him about them. Penn said he just doesn't know them and has nothing to say to those people.
Gary came in and said there's a guy on the phone who claims to have drive Penn around about a year ago and heard Penn bad mouthing Howard. Howard got the guy on the phone and asked him what he heard. The caller said he heard Penn and Teller talking about how they didn't want to go on Howard's show but they had to do it just to do some promotion. Penn said that he was probably just complaining about getting up at 5 in the morning but he really doesn't think he would have bad mouthed Howard. Howard told Penn that his spies are all over the place and they will fill them in on every detail if they hear stuff like that.
Penn asked if it's possible that he made a mistake and just heard him talking about how he had just done a midnight show and had to get up at 5 in the morning to do a radio show. The caller was pretty sure he just heard Penn complaining about Howard.
Howard asked Penn about his girlfriend and what's going on there. Penn talked about her a little bit but they got back to the discussion about the bad mouthing of Howard. Howard tried to talk to Penn about this Monstervision thing that they're doing. Penn said he thinks that it's actually a funny show and he likes what they've done. Howard told him he thought they'd be bigger stars by now. Penn said that they're doing just fine.
Howard asked Penn about this David Copperfield trick that he saw and how he could have done it. Penn didn't see the trick so he's not sure how he did it. He said he's not sure he'd want to tell Howard even if he did know how he did it. He said David has been very nice to them and he's not sure it would be right to reveal how he does his tricks.
Fred threw in some of those barking sounds while Penn was talking. Howard took another call from a guy who claimed he had heard Penn bad mouthing Howard after asking him how the show had gone one morning that he was on. Howard said he would never do that to Penn.
Robin told Howard that he was supposed to kick Penn out of there. Howard told Penn to get out and he actually stood up to leave. Howard said most people ignore him and don't leave. He didn't really want him to leave so he told him to sit back down.
Howard mentioned that Penn had made it with the white Julie Brown from MTV years ago. He dumped her just like he dumped Robin. Penn pointed out that Jackie had just written that joke. Howard told Penn that this was going to be his last appearance on the show. He wanted to kick him out because it was too tough to do the news with him in there. Penn apologized and said he'd quiet down.
At one point Howard asked Fred if he knew the Mars family because he was from Mars after all. Fred said he knew them but he had a mouth full of food so Howard asked him about that pouch he keeps in there. Fred said that maybe he could spit it in his hair to show him. They had to take a break a short time later.
After the break Howard brought up the date that Robin and Penn went on one time. Robin said she wouldn't call it a date but Howard said if she went to a movie, it was a date. Howard asked Penn if he ever got to see Robin's jugs. He said he never did and Robin made sure she said no to that as well.
Howard gave Penn a plug for the TNT special he's doing and ended up goofing on Ted Turner who owns TNT. He and Robin did that for a couple of minutes. Howard then asked Penn about that show he's doing and what he and Teller do on that show. They went through that stuff and then Robin got back to her news.
Robin read through a bunch of stories while Howard and Penn commented on them. They continued to goof on Penn's bark but Penn got into it and started doing it himself. Robin wrapped up her news so Howard spent a little more time talking to Penn before they ended the show. They were talking about music after Robin mentioned that Yanni had a sold out show in the area. Howard found that hard to believe. Penn was telling Howard about some of the bands he enjoys but Howard goofed on him about the bands he liked.
Robin had one more story to read after she had already wrapped up her news report. She said that they had to talk about the passing of Conway Twitty. She went through that story quickly and then Howard wrapped up the show and said goodbye to Penn. The show was over by about 9:50am (Master Tape Theatre time).