Howard started off the show talking about the Super Bowl. He said that a lot was made out of the fact that there were two black coaches in the game. He said that he didn't like the way Coke took advantage of that and made it seem like it was a bigger deal than they should have. He said in his eyes, one of the guys was really black while the other guy was light skinned. He said a lot of guys are going with the lighter skinned guy saying that he's closer to white. Robin said that's probably the way Daniel Carver is looking at it. She said he's probably still saying that it's like two monkeys going at each other.
Artie said that the Super Bowl has yet to be coached by two guys who talk black. Howard said the guy who won did speak very clearly. He joked that he was a sell out and not a real black man. Artie said that it's also funny how into god everyone is when they win the game.
Howard went into his Mama Lookaboobooday character and talked about how he's a much darker skinned man than the coach who won the big game. He said that he would have loved for the other coach to have won because he was much darker skinned than the guy who did win. Robin had a conversation with ''Mama'' about the game and the light and dark skinned coaches. Robin said that Mama was starting to sound white himself. Howard was falling out of character a little bit.
Mama told Robin that she would have liked to have seen Lovie Smith win since he was darker skinned. That led to the guys talking about that guy's name and how odd it is. Mama said the only Lovie he's ever known was the one from Gilligan's Island. Mama said he's still trying to get the state of Nebraska renamed to Neblackska so he and a lot of other blacks can move there to live. Mama was having some trouble using the N-word these days. Robin picked up on that and pointed it out. He said he's not as into using that word as he was before.
Mama decided to play some black poetry since it is black history month. He played a little bit of one piece of poetry and kept interrupting it. He played another clip that was pretty hard core stuff but interrupted it a short time into it. He eventually said he was going to turn the show back over to Howard so the guys could talk about the Super Bowl. He stayed in character and talked about Prince and the odd hair he had during the half-time show last night. He and Robin goofed on that do-rag he was wearing. Mama said it looked like something Lucy would wear when doing the laundry. Either that or something Aunt Jemima would wear.
Howard let Mama go and Gary came in with something about the Coke commercial that Howard was talking about earlier. He said that they had a line about how they were celebrating Black History Month and added ''Especially today.'' Gary said he didn't know what that meant at the time. They were doing that because there were two black coaches in the game.
Howard and the guys talked about how David Letterman and Oprah did one commercial together. Howard said Oprah doesn't seem to be able to say no to anything. He said it didn't seem to make any sense that she was in the commercial. Gary said that maybe she thought it was kind of funny and did it for the humor.
Gary said that Tony Dungy was trying not to offend anyone when asked about being a black coach and he was talking about how the NFL has created a certain type of coach. He doesn't think it has anything to do with being black or white.
Howard wondered if they talked about Dungy's kid committing suicide. Gary said it was brought up when they were giving the guy his trophy last night. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about that and how the kid was only 18 and just did it in the past couple of years. Howard said that has to be the worst thing to happen to a parent.
Howard said that Dungy didn't look like he could ever even play football. Artie said he could have played certain positions. Howard eventually found out that he was a defensive back which can be a smaller guy.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said that the coach of the Bears isn't really black because he has a white wife. He said he's a traitor because of that. Howard said he sounds kind of like Mama Lookaboobooday with that kind of comment. King went on to say that if his daughter was going to marry a white man, he would be kind of offended but he's not even sure why. Howard said it sounds like he's trying to make sure she only dates someone like him and that's not right.
King is married to a Hispanic woman so Howard pointed that out. King said that he's not crazy and couldn't marry a black woman because they like to argue too much. Robin found some news about Dungy's kid and how he was found unresponsive in his apartment. Robin thought that the kid had driven his car into a lake or something so Artie said that she must have been thinking of Dr. J's kid. While they were talking about that story, King was laughing. He said he doesn't understand the whole suicide thing and decided to laugh at it.
King asked Robin why black women like to argue with black men so much. She thought he was making a generalization that just wasn't right but he stuck to that story. No one had an answer for him. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said he thought Prince was really, really good in his half-time show performance. He liked that it was live and not lip syncing. Billy Joel was also live and very good in his performance. Howard said he heard Stevie Nicks was good but he didn't get to see her. She was on the pre-game. JD had recorded it for him and he was listening to it earlier in the morning. JD had told him it wasn't that great of a performance but Howard thought it was okay.
Howard played the clip of Stevie Nicks and said that she used to be so hot and it's a shame what's happened to her. He said she looks like a ''gypsy witch'' these days. Howard said he really loves her and thought that the mix was off during her performance. He told JD that's just the way she sings. He went on to complain about how the audio mix can be really off during a performance like that. He said it's amazing that they have this really amazing high-def picture to look at but they can't get the sound right.
Howard said that Prince's performance was kind of cool but at one point they had Prince behind a sheet and it looked like he had a big penis sticking out with his shadow on the sheet. He asked Fred to play one of Prince's versions of Purple Rain so he could hear the break part of the song. Fred did that and found the part that Howard was talking about. Howard said the guy is super talented and he can see why the guy gets so many chicks.
Fred had gone too far with the break in the ''Purple Rain'' song so Howard had him try to find it again. JD then came in and said that he had pulled the clip from the half-time show for him to play. Howard said the guy is 48 years old and looks really good for his age. He played the song and Robin said he is singing lower these days. Howard liked the way he was playing guitar last night but some guy in the paper was saying that the Rolling Stones were much better. Howard said Prince played that guitar like he was Jimi Hendrix. Fred said the guitar was kind of out of tune though. The guitar was off a bit and they had him potted down at one point according to Fred. He said it could have been the shape of the guitar and the guy who handed it to him may have been fired after that performance.
Howard said he saw that guy kneeling down there handing the guitar to Prince. He said that's got to be the worst job doing something like that. Artie said there's a guy who works for Springsteen who throws guitars like 10 feet and then has to catch them. Fred said he thinks that Prince sounded really good for the conditions he was playing in.
Howard said he wants to ask Prince just one question and that would be whether or not he fired that guitar technician after that performance. Fred was saying that while thing worked out okay, but the guitar was out of tune. Howard replayed it and it did sound kind of odd. Howard said it sounded good to him though. He said he thought he was going for that kind of sound but Fred said it was out of tune and he wasn't going for that sound at all. It was too flat according to him.
Howard said he thought the whole game was actually very exciting. He wondered why they would play in an outdoor stadium though. The day of the outdoor stadium is so over. They ended up getting rained on all night. He remembered going to his first indoor game and how great it was to be able to sit there in comfort. Howard said that if the game was played indoor, they couldn't have blamed the weather for all of the fumbles, turn-overs and all of that stuff.
Artie said that he won on the coin toss bet. He had put $1,500 on the total rushing on Rex Grossman and said he probably won on that one. He said he didn't feel so bad losing the stuff he did lose. He won about $700 playing in the casino so technically, he's up by about $200 over the weekend.
Artie said he spread out all of his bets with bookies and at the casino out there in Vegas. He said that in Vegas you actually have to put the money up for a bet while with a bookie you don't. He said Jon Hein gave him $200 to put down on the Colts so he did that. Jon is a winner so he's up by $200 this morning. Howard
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he should check out Prince live since he is performing at some place out in Vegas. Howard said he's never seen him live and he would like to do something like that. He said he thinks that the performance last night probably got him some new fans. A caller said that the over/under for the Billy Joel performance was a minute 44 seconds. The actual performance took 1:38 so he was under on that.
Melrose Larry Green called in and said that he knew Artie was going to get laid over the weekend. He met a girl who said that she would have fucked Artie. Howard thanked him for that and moved on to Artie's story. Artie said he did four shows there at the Luxor and had a great time doing that. He said he had a bunch of his buddies out there with him and Scott Ferrall was hanging out there doing his show from Vegas. Artie said he loves that guy and had a good time with him.
Artie said he got in at about midnight on Thursday. He said he barely slept on the plane. He had some good food on the flight. He didn't see any celebrities on the flight. He said he went over to the hotel and it didn't have the wading pool in the room like he thought it would. Artie said the room was good for showing off to the chicks though. Howard wondered if the chick saw his $20,000 watch. Artie said he actually forgot it.
Artie said that Dan the Song Parody Man saw this chick he was with out in Vegas. He said Bob Levy, Nick DiPaolo and Joe Mattarese were all out there with him too. Howard asked if Florentine was out there. Artie said he couldn't make it to that show. Howard said he thinks about Jim Florentine a lot and he's worried about him. He said he'd like to talk to him about what went on with his girlfriend. Artie said he has to sort through a lot of shit and it's going to take some time. Howard said that his girlfriend had committed suicide and Jim actually found her. Artie said he had a lot of jokes about her in his act so he doesn't know how he'd handle something like that.
Sal came in and said that Bob Levy was doing jokes about his mother-in-law on the day of her wake so that's how dedicated to his act he is. Artie got back to his story and said that there were chicks all over the place and they were inviting all of the hot ones back stage. He said this chick he was with was 23 years old and wearing a mini-skirt. He said that at one point Dan the Song Parody Man was picking the girls out doing some ''trim control.''
Artie said there was this one chick, Michelle from Florida, and she was an 11 on a scale of 10. He said he couldn't keep his eyes off of her. He invited her back stage because she was so hot. He said he was so taken with her that he just invited her back stage right from the audience. He said he was so dedicated to getting laid that he just had to say ''fuck it'' and take the chick back stage. Then he found out that the girl's fiancee was right behind her in the crowd. He had to invite both of them back stage and the guy turned out to be a nice guy. He said the guy was no Brad Pitt but he was in better shape.
Artie said there was this one smokin' hot Asian chick who came back stage. She ended up hanging out with the hot blonde and the whole back stage area was full of hot chicks. It would seem like he had something going on if you saw him back stage that night. He said there was one younger chick there who he thought he might have a shot with. She kept coming up and saying hi to him. Then he finds out that Dan the Song Parody Man had set everything up for him. Artie said that Dan told her that Artie is very busy right now and this is a business thing. He told her to just hang out and lay back and after the shows are done, she can stay with him and he'll deliver her to Artie's room. Artie said that was pretty ballsy of him. She said okay to that too.
Artie said he thanked Dan for that but didn't want him to do anything too crazy. He said that was kind of cool but the only thing that would change that is if a better option came along. Howard said Dan took out all of the romancing that he'd have to do. Artie told a story about being out in Vegas years ago when he hooked up with a couple of girls who were strippers. They asked him for some money after the weekend since they stayed with him the whole weekend so he figured it was okay to give them the money. He ended up giving this one chick his cell phone number and he's been thinking about her ever since then. In between the first and second show he gets a call on his cell. It turns out to be that chick and she knew that he was out in Vegas. He said he asked her if she was in Vegas and said that maybe they could hook up that night.
Artie said he was glad he was in Vegas this weekend because that chick was out there and she was looking for him. He said he told Dan to tell the other chick to come by the next night instead since he had this great stripper coming up to hang out with him. He said he had time to shower and get some champagne. He said he didn't want to go for two and lose them both so he just figured he'd try to get one. The chick eventually showed up at 3:30 in the morning. She still had her stripper outfit on when she came over. He thinks that she's hot as hell.
Artie said that the chick who Dan had set him up with had gotten kind of plastered and that didn't work out. He said the stripper came up to his room and started lap dancing for him right away. He said they ended up banging until 6 in the morning. He said he did bring rubbers with him and he made sure he wore them. He said he hates that he has to put them on but he made sure he wore them this weekend. He said he really didn't care that he was overweight and she was the one who called him so he just said ''fuck it.'' The chick did point out that he had gained weight and he should take care of himself.
Artie said that they fell asleep at about 6 and slept until about 2 in the afternoon. She gave him a blow job when they got up. He said she was brilliant at it when she did it. Howard took a call from a guy who said he was out in Vegas throwing stuff at him and Ferrall. He saw the chick that Dan was going to deliver to Artie's room and she wasn't really hot. Artie said he thought she was hot though. The caller said she wasn't all that great but Artie defended her and said she was hot.
Artie said anyone who was back stage would have seen that chick. He got back to the story about this stripper who he had sex with. He said she blew him while he was laying there in bed. She had to get going after that and he offered to have her to his comedy show but she had to work that night. It was a huge night for stripping since it was Super Bowl weekend. Artie said the club he met her at was different than the place she was working at that night this weekend. He said the other club was kind of liberal about letting the chicks touch the guys.
Howard asked Artie about this chick and if she had a tight body and if she touched his balls and stuff. He said she did touch them but she wasn't licking them or anything like that. He said she was very good at what she does. Dan the Song Parody Man called in and said he wished he could have been Artie that night. Howard asked him if he fucked the other chick. Dan said he's trying to be a good guy and isn't poon hounding anymore.
Howard said he heard Dan wasn't going to go to Vegas. Dan said he was talked into it at the last minute. He said that Jeff Beacher flew him in because they had some business to discuss. Artie said he's very glad that Dan was out there because he was a very good friend to him. Artie asked Dan what he thought about the chick he was setting him up with. Dan said she was hot but not quite as hot as this other chick was. Dan said she was kind of a mess and he was babysitting her for the night since he had planned on bringing her to Artie's room.
Artie said that the stripper didn't end up asking for any money that night. He said that neither of them brought that up. Howard asked Artie if the stripper swallowed his cum. Artie said ''not totally.'' He said he liked spanking the chick and stuff like that.
Artie said that he and the stripper had done it about 4 times that one night. He said he's pretty sure she didn't get off on what he did to her. He said he didn't go down on her although he did do that the first time he was with her. He said he got all freaked out because he ended up getting a blister in his mouth. He went to the doctor after that and decided not to go there this time. Howard said that kind of thing would freak him out too. Artie said she was very friendly and stuff.
Artie said he went down and had breakfast with his buddy Joe and Dan. Then he went and had a nice shave done at a place in the hotel. He said the guy gave him a nice trim on his hair too. Dan the Song Parody Man asked Artie if that was the hottest chick he's ever gotten for free. Artie said he thinks that Dana was hotter than that chick. Dan said that this chick had a flawless body. Artie said that she really was hot and her implants were very in proportion to her body. Howard asked if she still had nip sensation because some women have problems with that. Artie said he thinks she was getting off on that stuff.
Artie said that it really is a man's world because he was with this hot chick. Robin wondered what that chick got out of the whole thing. Howard said that she was with the great Artie Lange and she gets to tell her grandchildren about that some day. Howard wanted to call this chick after the break but Artie said she's really not into that. Dan was still on the line and talking about how hot that chick and her friend were. Howard said Dan is like the friend who never gets laid. Artie said he's got a great rap with women.
Howard talked about Dan's pony tail which is really long and has about 19 rubber bands holding it together. He said he's wondered how he does that stuff. Dan said it takes about 3 minutes to do it. Howard told him he'd look better with the pony tail gone. Sal came in ands said that Dan has two of his older pony tails hanging from his car mirror. Howard thought that was pretty gross.
Sal asked Artie if the stripper blew him before he washed up that afternoon. Artie said he didn't have to shower, he just woke up and she did it. Artie asked Dan if the blonde that he pulled out of the audience was the hottest chick he's ever seen. Dan said that she was amazing. He also confirmed that the stripper was amazingly hot and had a flawless body. Howard said he really had to take a break because it had been over and hour and a half since they started the show. Artie kept telling stories though. He said he was over at the Hard Rock and met the Meadow Soprano chick over there. He said Jeff Beacher pointed her out to him and he thought she was smokin' hot.
Artie said there were some midgets over at the Beacher's Madhouse thing and one of them threw up. He said he and his friends were there and this midget was already drunk when they walked in. He said the midget was drunk and sitting there and putting on a show for everyone. He said the guy then chugged a Grey Goose bottle and started to teeter around like he was going to pass out. The guy got closer and closer to them and then stopped and threw up right into the ice bucket. Artie said all of this puke was just spewing out into the ice bucket and it was hilarious. Howard got a laugh out of that.
Artie said the bouncer guy saw what was happening and pulled the guy out of there as quick as possible. Then they brought over another midget for them like they had to replace the entertainment. Artie was laughing as he was telling the story. Dan said it's like when you drop your fork in a restaurant and they bring you another one. Artie said he and the guys hung out that night and had a great time. Dan said it really was a great weekend and he's still out there this morning. He's not flying back until tonight.
Howard kept saying that he had to take a break but they just kept going with more stories. It was 7:40 and still hadn't taken one break yet. Dan was talking about how Scott Ferrall got fucked in that game with his bets. That got Artie talking about how he did Scott's show on Friday and he's totally come around to love that show. He said he really loves the characters he's got on there. Howard interrupted and asked Fred if they had to take a break. Fred said he really should go to break. Sal interrupted and said that sometimes Dan goes to hotels with empty luggage and loads it up with pillows, towels and ashtrays. Dan said he's never done that. He once brought some booze home in his bag and had towels wrapping them up so they wouldn't break.
Howard said he was watching Sal on Thursday and he seems to think that Sal hates Dan. Sal said that every time Dan talks it's like opening up an encyclopedia. He said Dan just babbles forever. He said he loves the guy but he can go on a little too long. Gary said he loves Dan but he wanted to talk to him about self-editing himself down. He said the seats are kind of assigned there and Dan will creep his chair up to a spot where he's not usually at. Howard said the TV guys actually mark the floor and check to see how far he moves. They found that the chair moves about 3-4 feet. Gary said that Dan will pass by Sal and Richard through the meeting. Howard said they did find that he moves after doing the tape thing. Sal said that if they ever did a special about Dan, they'd find that his chair has more personality than he does. Artie said he's a huge fan of Dan's and he doesn't care what anyone says. Howard said he really had to go to break even though he didn't want to.
Howard asked Doug who won. Doug said it was the drag queens who beat the guys from the show. Gary said he had a great Page 69 story about that game. He said that Jason was playing in the game and dropped the game-tying ball and now he's back on anti-depressants because of that. Jason came in and said that he played in little league for four years and never got a hit. He said he just wanted to play the game and stayed in it. He said he played the position of ''second right field'' which was the guy who stands behind the right fielder. He
The guys spent some time talking about that game. Howard also watched some of the footage that the Howard TV guys had. They were goofing on the way the guys were running and throwing the balls. Artie noticed that the drag queens were playing in high heels and they still won the game. Howard finally went to break at about 7:55.
Robin asked Artie how that came up. Artie said Jon just came up to him and asked him to place the bet. He said that he's such a degenerate that he would never put that kind of money down on a game. Gary was upset that Teddy didn't put the bet down. Artie said that's not the way it was. Teddy had to get a root canal when they were out in Vegas. It was an emergency because he blew out a tooth and had to have the work done right then. Artie said that a root canal is the worst and they actually had to pull the call. Howard said he thinks that Teddy is a good guy and he's never had a problem with him.
Gary said that he had a problem with Teddy. He said he was going to mail something to Artie but Teddy insisted that he got it. He said Teddy promised to get it to him but Teddy took it and then he sees Artie opening up the present two weeks later when they returned to work. He said he could have just mailed it to Artie instead.
Artie said that a weird thing happened when he hired this kid to be his assistant. He said it upset a lot of people for some reason. Gary said that when you take a guy to Vegas, he should be making sure that certain people are getting back stage and stuff like that. Gary has a problem with stuff getting to Artie so slowly. Artie said the guy is actually very good at doing this stuff for him when he's out on the road. Artie is happy with him. Howard said they should have this discussion with Teddy when he's actually there.
Howard moved on to play a new phony phone call that Richard did. He sped up his voice and called a woman. She seemed to understand some of what he was saying and had a conversation with the sped up clips. She pretended that she knew what he was saying even though most of his lines were unintelligible. Artie said he thinks Richard should talk like that all the time.
Michelle said that Artie was being really nice to her and treating her so well. Artie said she brightened up the room, that's why it was nice to just have her back there. He also said that she's got a friend who is hot and might be willing to date Artie. She's 26 and was in Maxim magazine's ''Hometown Hotties'' issue. She said she's going to talk to that friend when she goes back home to Florida. Howard told her to call back then and let her go.
Howard said he got a letter last week from a guy who said he broke his dick. He said he slipped out of this chick he was banging and she broke the penis when she came back down. He ended up spurting blood all over the place. Howard had to talk to the guy so he had him on the phone. The guy, Kevin, told Howard he's out of commission for about 4 weeks now. He explained how he had been seeing this chick for just a few weeks and they were having great sex. He was laying on his back this night and she was leaning backwards facing him and had her hands on his legs bouncing up and down when this happened.
Kevin said that he's had his penis stubbed before while having sex but this time things went a little more wrong. He said that when she came down on him, it bent in such a way that it broke blood vessels and he started spurting blood. He said they had been drinking all night and he figured he'd just stubbed himself. Then his girlfriend let him know that he was bleeding. He turned on the light and both of them were covered in blood. He said his couch and carpet were covered in blood.
Kevin said she stayed calm while he was freaking out. He said he ran into the bathroom and got in the bath tub and tried to calm down. He said about 10 minutes later he stopped the bleeding and she was standing out there cleaning up the blood. Howard asked him why he didn't go to a hospital. He was too drunk to drive so he didn't want to do that. They stayed home and cleaned up after calming down. Kevin said they got back in bed after the blood stopped coming out and then went back to bed. He said he started rubbing on her again.
Howard said he would have wanted to go to a hospital. Kevin said they tried having sex again and he was in way too much pain. He had more blood coming out so he had to stop and shower again. He went to a walk-in clinic who referred him to a real hospital. He had to tell this story to a 75 year old woman. The emergency room was packed so they sat him near the nurses station. He said he sat there for about an hour and a half. The nurses were checking his chart and he felt like a total loser the whole time.
Howard asked Kevin not to give him every detail. Kevin went on to say that the doctor finally saw him and told him he had a penile fracture. They took him back to radiology and inserted a catheter. All of the guys cringed when they heard that. He said they had to inject some stuff in there to watch to make sure there were no tears in there. He said they had to do it a second time because the first one didn't work. Howard said this was so painful just to hear that he had to rush him along. Kevin said it was so painful that it was a 9.5 on a scale of 10 in pain.
Kevin said they prescribed him some Percoset and some other stuff and told him to ice down his dick for 20 minutes a few times a day. He said that his penis is still bruised and it happened 9 days ago. They say that he should be good to go in about 4 weeks.
Howard said he doesn't like when a girl is on top because they don't always know how a penis really works. He said he likes to be in control when having sex. He wrapped up with Kevin but the guy asked him for tickets to the next roast. Howard said he'd do that but he's not even sure if they're going to have another roast. Howard said he thought the story might be interesting but it's really rough to hear that story.
Howard got back to the Super Bowl commercial discussions. He said that he liked the commercial with the beard comb over. They also mentioned some of the other commercials like the Kevin Federline one. Howard said he doesn't like Kevin Federline and he doesn't even know what they're advertising in some of those things. Robin said she loved the commercial but has no idea what they were selling. Howard didn't like the commercial and he doesn't care about Kevin Federline. Robin thinks that Kevin had a good sense of humor about himself to have done that.
Howard talked about some of the Bud commercials because they had a bunch of original ones that they didn't repeat. He said they have so much money that they can do that stuff and it just shows how many drunks there must be in this country.
Artie said he got his SAG card by doing a Budweiser commercial back in 1995 and that ran during the Super Bowl. He said he has no idea what the commercial was about to this day. Howard mentioned another commercial where a few guys were slapping each other around. He has no idea what the product was or what the commercial meant. Howard said there was another one where a machine committed suicide and he thought that was horrible. He said it was for GM and wondered who dreamt that shit up. Robin said when a regular commercial came on and a company sold stuff in a normal way, she got bored. Robin said she remembers the Tundra trucks because the commercials were so boring.
Howard said the GM thing is lame because they lay off workers and then show how the robots are taking the jobs. Howard said there was another commercial where some guys got naked and ran around. He said that he's still not sure what company that is. It turns out it was an amateur commercial that was made and it was obvious that it was amateur. Robin said she was watching the commercials that were available on the internet.
Gary said he thought the Robert Goulet commercial was awful. He wasn't sure what it was for at all. Robin said she thought the GoDaddy.com commercial was kind of lame too. Howard said that chick isn't that hot either. She was hot a few years ago, but not anymore. The guys also talked about the Coke commercials and how they were sucking up to the blacks. Gary also brought up the Coke commercial that looked like a video game. Howard said it looked good but he thought it was for a video game, he had no idea it was for Coke.
Howard said that when we have this war going on in Iraq, they should punish us and not even play games like that. He said it's crazy that our troops are over there and we're watching a game like that. He said that the game was great but it really is depressing to think about the troops over there while that's going on.
Howard said the Robert Goulet ad was for Emerald Nuts. He guessed that the whole reason for doing those ads is because they get people to talk about them like they're doing this morning. Howard took a call from a guy who asked about the pre-game show where they did some interpretive dance thing. Howard didn't see that part of the show. He tuned in to see Billy Joel doing his National Anthem. The caller also asked why SIRIUS didn't run an ad on CBS. Howard wasn't sure because they do cover the NFL on SIRIUS. The caller wondered if CBS has a problem with the company. Howard said they do have a problem ever since he moved there.
Howard said he knows that Beth's brother and father went to the big game. That led to Gary talking about how David Spade was there sitting in a plastic bag. They were actually goofing on Spade during the game saying that they don't get inside until they have a hit show on the network. Robin wondered if they should play all of the games inside. She said that the weather does add something to the game.
Howard figures that there are a lot of people who are at work sick this morning after staying up late watching the game. He said that Ross Zapin was down there in Miami working this weekend but he can't imagine doing stuff like that. He said he understands Artie staying up late getting laid but he wouldn't want to go to a party and stay up all night like some people do. He said he'd rather watch the game on TV.
Artie said that football really is a TV sport. He's gone to a Super Bowl but he'd rather sit home and watch it. Gary said he'd like to see it in person just one time to see what it feels like. Howard said he likes the game and watching the commercials. The guys got into some more discussions about the game after that.
Gary said that Teddy has a job there already so when he gets paid more money to work for Artie, that upsets people. Howard said Teddy started out helping Artie out with his iPod loading. Gary said that Teddy makes some good money for someone doing what he does. He thinks that a real full time assistant would be happy to make that kind of money.
Howard told Teddy that the reason they were talking about this stuff is because Artie forgot to make the bet for Jon Hein. Teddy should have taken the bet and placed it for him. Gary talked about how Teddy hadn't brought over the gifts that he asked him to bring to him. Teddy said that if Gary had mailed them, they'd still be sitting in the lobby of his apartment building. Artie said he's not the easiest person to get in touch with.
Artie said that he really doesn't care about gifts and didn't open a lot of them until New Year's Day. Teddy said that he didn't deliver anything to Artie's apartment because Artie didn't want him to. There was some talk about how Jon Hein wouldn't give the money directly to Teddy because he doesn't trust him.
Gary said that Teddy is the engineer for their Wrap Up Show and one time he gave them the cut sign as they were talking about something. Gary said they had to tell him not to do that because he's just an engineer. He said Teddy sometimes takes too long to get to certain things when they ask him to do it.
Howard said he might have to have a battle of the assistants and have his assistant Laura go up against this guy. Teddy said he works there full time and only does the assistant thing part time. Howard heard that Teddy does kind of run around like he's bit shit because he is his assistant.
Gary said that they hear over and over again that Artie can't find stuff and you'd think that Teddy would be doing it for him. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that everybody wants him to be the spokesman because he's such an asshole. He said that Teddy does walk around like he's become Artie. He reminded Howard about one day when Teddy stopped them and asked them to wish ''them'' luck in Miami like he was going to be part of Artie's act or something. Artie heard about that and told Teddy not to bug Howard after the show. It was actually Ronnie who had the problem with him, not Howard.
Gary asked Teddy not to sit in his office anymore because sometimes he'll just be hanging out in there. Artie asked him not to do that anymore. Howard asked Teddy what the strangest thing was that he had to buy for Artie. Teddy said he's never had to buy anything that unusual. Artie said Teddy did do something kind of weird on New Year's Eve. He said that Teddy had to get him to his limo and stuff and that night, Teddy got drunk while he stayed sober. He said he just wanted to mellow out on his drive home but it turns into this whole Real World episode. Teddy and his girlfriend got into an argument and he wanted to strangle him in the limo.
Artie didn't know he was going to have so much of a problem after hiring this kid. Ronnie said that Jason and Will are upset about him hiring the guy. Will came in and said he doesn't have a problem, he just thinks that Teddy is a bit of a douche bag and that's the only reason he had a problem. He said that Teddy acts like his shit doesn't stink now that he works with Artie. He said the guy doesn't seem to appreciate the job and he rubs it in people's faces. He told Teddy to get the fuck out of there and asked ''who the fuck cares?'' Teddy claims he doesn't flaunt that stuff and doesn't really talk to people. Jason said he doesn't think Teddy is an asshole. He said he wouldn't have even had the time to do that job.
Howard said there were a lot of people on the phones asking if Artie got a whore out in Vegas and stuff like that. He suggested that everyone tune in and listen to the replay or even tune over to Howard 101 to hear what was going on earlier since they already went over it all first thing in the morning.
Ralph called in so Howard said he was glad that he didn't get a call from him during the game giving him updates. Ralph went on to say that everyone over there has an attitude when something good happens to someone else like Teddy. He said Teddy isn't a terrible man for wanting to see a naked chick like Ronnie was saying.
Howard got the note about Nikki who is only 27 years old and she's got leukemia. Howard said that she can't do anal anymore because of this cancer. Howard read through the article where they explain what happened to her and how they found the large mass in her chest. They say that she's going to have to take a few months off and she won't be able to do anal anymore. Howard was kind of confused by that part of the article. He couldn't understand the anal thing. Howard played a clip from one of her films called ''DP me Baby'' where she's making some odd gargling like sounds.
Howard said he didn't stay up to watch the end of the game last night because it was getting so late. Artie said he doesn't know how he can do that and not watch it live. Howard said he got up early this morning to watch it. Artie said he had to stay up to watch the whole thing right up to the end. That led to Artie talking about how he stayed up until about 2am the night before he had to fly home. He was up right until the time he had to catch his flight.
Artie said he and Nick DiPaolo were in first class together so he stayed up right through most of the flight and right up through the Super Bowl last night. He said he passed out around 10:30 last night. before that he had been up for a straight 48 hours or so.
Howard said something happened with his TiVo last night and it caught a little bit of Entertainment Tonight. He said they had a camera crew on Dina Lohan trying to go visit her daughter Lindsay in rehab. He said that the mother brought the camera crew with her. He said it's no wonder Lindsay is so screwed up. He said it's the saddest thing he's ever seen. He said he was very confused by that story and why she would want a camera crew with her like that.
Howard ended up getting into a discussion about the Sunni and the Shiites and said that he really has no idea what the difference is. Will came in and explained it to Howard with a pretty quick and simple explanation that they he seemed to understand. He said he had no idea that there were Sunni and Shiite in just about every Arab country like Will said.
Ralph called back in and said that he saw that Lindsay Lohan story as well and thought it was really weird that the camera crew was there and she was complaining about how the paparazzi was making a big deal out of what was going on. Of course it was, she had a camera crew with her. Ralph said it was really weird how she was doing all of that stuff. JD said that she also brought Lindsay's younger sister with her that day.
Howard said that Andy Dick had to be kicked off the Jimmy Kimmel show recently. He said that Jimmy had on Ivanca Trump and Andy, who may have been wasted, started rubbing her legs and touching her during the show. She was being a good sport about it but Jimmy told Andy he had to stop but Andy refused to leave when he was asked to leave. Howard said that Uncle Frank guy went over and grabbed Andy right off the couch and out the door. Howard said he thinks Jimmy was upset about the whole thing because he did hear from him via e-mail. Howard said it really looked like Jimmy wasn't thrilled in the video. Howard said he thinks that the video was on YouTube or something like that. JD said it was on PerezHilton.com too.
JD had come in to talk about that video so Fred played his techno song music. Howard wondered where the Hawaiian music was. Fred had some of those to play as well so he went through a couple of those. That led to them playing a few of his song parodies as well where they inserted JD's whooping laugh into them. Howard went through a bunch of those.
Howard asked Ralph what he thought about Prince during the half-time show. Ralph though he was good and really liked the All Along the Watchtower performance. He also brought up the whole Janet Jackson thing and how Justin Timberlake got away unscathed somehow. Howard said he missed that titty flash that year because he was watching the Lingerie Bowl that night. He said he had dated Angie Everhart and wanted to see her on the show. Artie said he missed the live shot of that titty that day too.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy said that in the pre-game show they had a show where they had someone flying with balloons. Howard said that's what he wanted to do with Eric the Midget but he freaked out and refused to do it. There was another caller who said that he thinks all football games should be played outdoors. Howard and the guys were saying that maybe they could have a stadium that's covered but they could have sprinklers that would spray them down. That way they could pick the weather.
Jon Hein came in and told Howard that they really did have a kid flying with balloons and had him bouncing around flying in the air. Ralph was sick so he told Howard he finally left the house on Thursday and by Friday he was sick. Howard told him to stay away from him then.
Another caller told Howard he had a list of people who Howard would invite to his wedding before he would invite Robin. The first person the guy mentioned was Chaunce Hayden. Howard said that he really can't do the regular wedding thing and he'd have to have a private one. He can't have Robin laughing at him. Another caller told Howard he wanted to tell him the difference between Jews and Christians. He started in on the explanation but Howard didn't seem to care. He bailed out on the conversation after a few seconds of his explanation. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that Tyra Banks was crying on her show as she was talking about the people who have been calling her fat. He played an audio clip from that show where she flips out on everyone who picks on women who are like her (fat). She tells them all to kiss her fat ass. Howard said that's so much for self esteem, she's crying about it. Howard said that she is fat and she's let herself go. Robin said that now she doesn't have to get into a fat suit to see how people treat her when she's fat.
Howard said when you're on TV every day you want people to comment on you. He said he finds it hard to believe that her show is still on TV but it's apparently still doing well. That led to him playing another clip from Tyra's show where she talks to Janet Jackson about farting. He played a few seconds of that and noticed that Janet is like Michael Jackson with the soft speaking voice. Tyra asked Janet if she owns up to blasting a fart if it stinks up the room. Janet says she would own up to it. The two of them spent a couple of minutes talking about the farting. Artie said that was just gross. Tyra claims that she has irritable Bowel Syndrome but Howard said there's no such thing and she just eats too much. Robin said she guesses that's entertainment. Artie said ''No it's not!''
Howard said that was one big, boring interview right there. He asked Robin what's going on at Ryan O'Neal's house. He read a story about Ryan's 42 year old son going over to his father's house and getting into an argument. He and Robin went through the story as they knew it. Howard said that the son, Griffin, apparently pulled out a fireplace poker and Ryan pulled out a gun and fired off a warning shot.
Howard wondered what happened to Farrah Fawcett's cancer. She's apparently been able to beat it so Howard said it's a shame that Dana Reeve wasn't able to beat it but Farrah has. He said if he had a choice of which one of those two to keep on this planet, it would have been Dana Reeve. Robin thought it was wrong of him to say something like that but he stuck to that. Artie said that if it was 1978 and you asked that question, the answer would have been different.
Howard spent some time talking about how Ralph Nader is threatening to run for President again in 2008. He said he always seems to screw things up for the Democrats by running. Gary came in and asked Howard if he agrees with John McCain saying that if they cut off the amount of troops they send over to Iraq that they're sending a negative message to them. Howard said that he thinks the whole war is a disaster and they really just need to get everyone out of there.
Howard mentioned that Keith Olbermann did a cool thing about Iraq. He said it was a little political but he thought the guy was right on. He played the clip and warned people that it might be a little boring even though they cut it down a bit. He let some of that play through and then brought in Steve and Jon.
Steve Langford talked about a couple more things they'll be covering today and got in a plug for tonight's Inside the Porn Actor's Studio with Richard Christy. Howard let Steve go and had Jon Hein give his show preview.
Howard ended up talking to Jon about the bet that Artie forgot to place for him out in Vegas. Howard told Jon that maybe he shouldn't bother people for doing stuff like that. Jon said he knew Artie was going out there and he figured he'd place a small bet. He got into his show preview and went over the stories they'll be covering on the show today.
Artie said that Shuli got so high at the second show they did on Saturday night that he forgot the first comedian's name. Artie said Shuli can do his act when he's high just as well as he can do it when he's not. Artie said Shuli seems to be fine smoking the stuff and functioning normally. Robin seemed surprised that Howard would be for some of that stuff. He said he only thought about it because he was reading about it in GQ. He's usually not that concerned about it.
Howard had Robin start her news but after one story he read through some e-mail. There are quite a few people who are worried about Artie and want him to seek out professional help. Artie said he got the professional help he needed this weekend. Howard said he did walk in there like he was on top of the world. Artie was very happy after getting laid this weekend.
Howard got some feedback about the Joe Francis interview last week. One guy thought he did a great job with the interview even though Joe sounded so out of it. Howard went through a few other emails and then had Robin get back to her news.
Howard mentioned that Sarah Silverman's show did very well last week on it's debut night. It actually held onto and increased the audience of South Park. Howard was talking about how he has more listeners than a Letterman or Leno do on their late night shows. He thinks that people like David Space should have come and done the show when he was in town recently.
Lori claims that Big Foot wouldn't leave the place and started eating trays of his medication. She said he's been spreading lies about her and they're just not true. She claims that he was saying she abuses him but she has never done that. She claims that Big Foot has apparently done this to every person he's ever lived with. Howard said he wants to have Big Foot on the phone to get his side of this story. Lori said she never wants to be with a guy like that again. Howard told her they really need to be able to hear his side. He put her on hold and told Gary to take care of that. Meanwhile Fred played a new Baba Booey song parody to the tune of The Ramones ''I Wanna Be Sedated.''
Gary said his mother used to listen in on his phone calls when he was a kid. He thought that was wrong. Gary said he only does it because strangers can contact his son through the web on instant messenger and stuff like that. Gary said Jon Hein does it to his kids and so do some of the other people who work there. Gary also has cameras in his house and he can watch them from work. He said he has it set up so he can watch 25 days of footage.
Ralph called in and asked Gary if he thinks it's kind of creepy to do stuff like that. He figures that Gary should be teaching his kids what they should and shouldn't be doing. Gary said he will probably stop doing that stuff when his son is older. Ralph thinks that Gary should at least tell his son that he's being watched. Howard said he does owe the kid that.
Howard said that he'd really be upset if he had someone spying on him like that and he really doesn't think it's right. Gary said he and his wife don't take that stuff lightly and it was a tough decision. Howard told him he really should tell his son what he's doing. He thinks that Gary is reading his son's private thoughts about him and his friends. Robin said that the best thing is to not let the kid have a computer in his bedroom. Gary said he had that mistake and he has since corrected it.
Ralph wondered what's going to happen when his son does find out that he's been spying on him. Gary doesn't think that it's going to change. Ralph seems to think it will change when his son does find out though. Howard said he would feel a little weird having access to his daughter's computer and spying on her like that. He said that would be like his parents bugging his room and listening to his personal conversations when he was a kid.
Gary said that he doesn't really go through the stuff on the computer all that often and he's not finding anything these days. Robin said that she actually has access to another family's son's instant messages. She said she can't get that off of her computer and that kid's friends think he's on when she logs on under his name.
Gary asked Robin what she would do if one of that kid's friends said something about having a bag of weed. She said she's not sure what she would do if that happened. Howard asked Gary what he would do if he found out that SIRIUS was reading all of his mail. Gary said he knows that they're probably doing that already. He said you have to realize that a big company is going to read e-mail. Howard had Robin get back to her news a short time later.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
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Howard started off the show talking about how people are always asking him if the two satellite radio companies are getting together. He tells them he doesn't know because he really doesn't want to know what kind of business deals are going on behind the scenes there.
Howard said Gary played him some audio of one of the urban stations in New York City and one of the guys gets pretty graphic on the station. He thinks that because they're an urban station, the FCC doesn't bother them. He said they have a guest on the show by the name of The Game who talks about fingering Vita Guerra and gets very graphic. Artie said he calls it her ''onion.''
Howard played the audio clip where the guy is talking about the fingering thing. Howard said he knows he'd get fined if he talked about that when he was on terrestrial radio. He said it was a good interview, but they seem to be getting away with stuff that he never could. Howard said he wasn't really following the story very well and said he needs an interpreter to follow along. Artie was able to understand that the guy had gone to a party. That was about it.
Howard continued to play the tape and we hear him talking about fingering the chick. He said he finger-banged her while they were at this party. He was talking about using the ''two finger split'' and then putting in the third finger on that little ball. Then he went in the back with his other hand and she started to wiggle around. He said he sniffed his fingers both times and it was fresh each time. He said he never smashed it but he did finger bang it.
Howard said he feels bad for that chick. Robin said that Tom (Chiusano) would have ripped them off the air if they had a conversation like that back at K-Rock. Robin said they could report them to the FCC if they wanted. Howard said he's not into that but there were times in the past when they could have done that. He said he had people taping his show 24/7 when he was on terrestrial radio just so they could turn him in.
Artie asked if they had a picture of that chick because he'd like to see her. Howard said she's not that hot and she's known for having one of those huge asses like J-Lo. He doesn't find that hot at all. He likes to see an ass that's in proportion. Artie said he likes some meat on a chick's ass himself. Howard said he knows what that guy was talking about when he was saying he puts his finger on the little ball. He joked that he thought it was the uvula.
Howard took a call from a woman who told him that ''a monkey'' is slang for pussy so in that tape they were listening to, that's what they were referring to. The woman was Australian so the guys found it kind of funny that she knew what it meant while they didn't.
Artie said he knows guys who started fucking at the age of 14 and he didn't get anything until he was about 17. He was really bad with the girls so it took him a while. Howard said he was so afraid he was never going to get a chick. Artie was the same way. Howard has never gone to a whore though. Artie said he didn't do that until he was about 24 but he did do something at a bachelor party when he was 18.
Artie said his uncle set him up with a girl when he was about 11. He took this 12 year old girl out to an amusement park and when they got back, his uncle asked him if he had banged her. Artie could barely speak to her. Artie said he was only 11 years old and they were telling him that they were banging chicks when they were his age.
Howard said he knew a kid who was banging this really hot girl when he was like 15. He said he had her during one of those Super-Jew holidays ''Sukos.'' He'd take her into this Suki thing that was in their back yard and doing her in there. Howard said the kid must have been about 15 and he was way ahead of anyone he knew. He said that made him go into a frenzy to try and get laid. He and his friend Lew were trying to get laid and it was like a competition. Howard got bummed out after he found out that Lew had gotten laid one night. Howard and Lew went to get some rubbers one night and his friend Lew wasn't afraid to ask for some Trojans. Howard said he still doesn't like doing that so he has his assistant Laura buy them for him.
Artie said that he graduated high school when he was still 17 and he didn't get laid until 8 days before his 18th birthday. Artie said if you don't get any chicks until later in life, you feel you have to lie to future girlfriends. Howard said the girl who took his virginity told him she didn't want to be stuck in his head for the rest of his life and didn't want to take the virginity. Howard said that was great and then he got another chick. It was great that it was just over. He said it wasn't great sex.
Artie said he got laid in the back of his 74 Matador. it was very awkward but he got it done. He told another story about another comedian who picked up a chick at a comedy show. He said the guy wanted to do this chick. He said he didn't want to stick around after she was so drunk that she threw up. Artie said the guy swears he didn't fuck her but he's pretty sure he did.
Gary came in and told a story about how quick he finished the first time he had sex. He said he had no idea how fast it was going to happen at the time. Howard took a call from Hook Nose Mike who asked Howard for more details about that first experience. Howard said he had no idea what he was doing and that's why he wished that there were sex movies he could have watched. Mike also asked Robin when she lost her virginity. Robin said she was 19. That led to them asking when she had anal for the first time. She said it was probably when she was about 26... and 27 when she had it last.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he had to walk through like 4 feet of snow to get laid for the first time. He said they even had to go out of town to get rubbers.
Howard said he's still surprised that the finger banging clip didn't get more notice. Gary said the show airs on Sunday night from 7 to midnight so maybe it was considered in safe harbor. He said that when Adam Carolla had his sex show, they got away with stuff because they ran their show after 10pm. He said the FCC is under some grand illusion that kids don't listen at that time of night. He pointed out that kids can get a lot more crap on the internet than they can on radio. JD came in and said that show is actually on during the week, not on Sunday night.
Howard and Artie talked about some of the other girls they've been with in their sex lives. That led to Howard saying that Richard Christy has been with a black chick. Richard said that chick actually puked all over him when he finished in her mouth. He said he exploded in her mouth right away and she puked on him.
Howard said he had some audio of Ali G on Inside the Actors Studio. He played some clips from that show where Ali G asked James Lipton some questions. It turns out it was Ali G interviewing James Lipton which isn't what Howard expected after reading it on his computer. He thought Ali G was on Inside the Actors Studio. It was a funny interview though.
Howard and Robin talked about how they feel much safer walking around the city these days and what a great job Rudy did. Howard said the guy really seems to care about the City and the people in it. He was able to do good things when he was in office and people fell in love with him on 9/11. He said he likes Rudy but also likes Hillary Clinton.
Howard said that Rudy even took on the Javits Center because it was being run by organized crime. He said he cleaned that up as well. He spent a few minutes talking about him and said that he's a big believer in that guy and he wishes him luck in the run for President. He said he's glad to see that he's running. Howard said that there's only one person who could get his vote over Hillary's and that would be Rudy Giuliani.
Artie said that he had a hard time finding the Stupid Bowl on Howard TV when he was trying to find it. Doug said they're working on simplifying the whole thing. They're going to simplify the web site as well and he couldn't agree more with what everyone thinks. They are working on fixing it though. Doug also said that they're still working on the Bubba's Wedding special that should be done by March. Artie said he's going to be interviewed for that special and they have like 78 questions for him. Howard said he did some interviews for that and spent quite a while doing it.
Robin said she was interviewed for that special and got hers done pretty quick. They were going to have Benjy do his next but they told Robin not to send him in because he talks too much. Robin gets her answers out quickly and succinctly.
Howard was talking to Ronnie about that and Ronnie didn't think he was treating him right. Howard said Ronnie interprets his look and thinks that he's bothered by things. Ronnie said that he doesn't do that, they had a conversation one day about that.
Ronnie thinks that Howard is making him look like the bad guy all the time. He doesn't understand that. Howard said that Ronnie shouldn't be speaking for him. He said he never told Ronnie to talk to Artie about any of that stuff. If he has a problem with Artie's assistant, he will talk to him himself. Howard asked Ronnie if he asked him to go talk to Artie about his assistant. Ronnie said Howard never wants to be the bad guy so he's making him look like the bad guy.
Howard told Ronnie he doesn't want him going up to Artie and talking about how ''we'' don't understand why he's bothering them. He didn't ask him to be the bad guy and talk to Artie like that. He doesn't want him making it a ''we'' thing because he didn't ask him to do anything like that. He told Ronnie not to talk to anyone about that stuff anymore. Ronnie said he's always wrong and Howard is always right. He's not going to talk to anyone now, he's just going to say ''hello'' and ''Goodbye.'' Howard told him that if it's going to come down to that, maybe he shouldn't be his driver anymore. Ronnie walked out of the studio.
Howard said he never said that Teddy annoyed him, Ronnie just took it that he was annoyed and then went to Artie with it. Artie said he got kind of defensive when he heard from Ronnie that Teddy was bothering Howard and asked him to stop. He said Teddy didn't even know what he had done wrong.
Howard said Ronnie gets really defensive and seems to be living on his own planet called Ronnie World. He doesn't listen to what anyone says to him and gets very defensive. He said things go on there where his name is used when it shouldn't be. He said Ronnie has become a smug asshole lately and does his own little show out in the hallway there.
Howard said Ronnie takes it wrong when he says he doesn't know what someone is talking about and then goes to Artie with the whole thing. Then Ronnie gets on the air and doesn't listen to him when he's trying to talk to him. He just doesn't want Ronnie speaking for him but Ronnie can't take any criticism at all. He said he really wasn't looking to talk to Teddy about the whole thing.
Howard said he'd like to straighten out any other problems that people have with Ronnie. He's not sure if anyone else has been approached by Ronnie about stuff he doesn't know about. He really needs Ronnie to understand this whole thing. Gary said that Ronnie is locked into Scott's studio and won't come out. Meanwhile, Sal and Richard are slipping notes under the door and goofing on him. Gary thinks that he's going to snap and kill them.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ronnie has lost his mind. Howard said he's told him that if he has nothing to do, he's to stand in the hall like a pole. He just can't do that. Howard told Artie that he never told Ronnie to talk to him about Teddy. Artie said he gets that.
Howard talked to the guy on the phone about Ronnie and his behavior lately. Artie said that he knows how some guys are when they're caught in a lie or something like that. He said they tend to backpedal and get themselves caught in a corner.
Howard said that Ronnie must be looking for some interaction with people in the halls because he's bored. Artie said that he felt he had to say something to Teddy when he heard that story from Ronnie. Howard said that maybe Ronnie was joking around and he didn't understand that. Howard said he knows that Ronnie has a very dry sense of humor and he's probably been misunderstood.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they may have to call Howard ''Dr. Frankenstein'' because he's created so many monsters. Another caller said she agrees with that guy and Howard only has himself to blame for creating these people. Another guy said that Ronnie seems to forget that he's just a limo driver and couldn't protect anyone. Howard took another call from a guy who reminded him that they never hear a word from Robin's limo driver. Howard said that guy just stands there like a wall and doesn't say anything.
Howard continued to say that he never asked Ronnie to speak for him. He said the guy is a good driver but even asking him to do that is rough. He gives him a hard time when he asks for that. The caller that was on the line asked Howard if he keeps any cash around his apartment. He was wondering if it disappeared when Ralph was around. Howard said he doesn't keep it in there so he wouldn't know.
Howard said he doesn't even keep a safe in the house. He said his parents used to get robbed all the time because they had a safe in the house. They were robbed 4 times because of that and he would never want something like that in his house.
Ronnie (audio clips) called in and gave Howard and Robin some ''fuck yous'' and said that he really doesn't give a shit about any of this stuff. He said the last thing he wants to do is make Howard feel bad. Ronnie was calling Howard and Robin assholes and things like that but Howard broke the news to everyone that it was just audio drops that Richard was playing with in the back office. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said they're going to be playing It's Just Wrong sometime soon. He said the contest is being sponsored by HotMovies.com. Artie told Howard that when he was out in the hall he heard Sal give Ronnie his exploding pen and then Ronnie chasing him back into his office. Howard said that's supposed to be his security guy and wondered if he could stop.
Howard had Lisa G come in to give her Howard 100 News preview. Lisa said that Fred stopped by the news department yesterday to talk to them and said that he thinks Prince wasn't playing live through that half-time show yesterday. Lisa said they'll be exploring that and also looking into a 911 call that was played on CNN the other day. They're kind of worried about Wendy the Retard because it sounded like her on the phone. Lisa said that they spoke to Wendy about that and found out she knows what to do in an emergency. Lisa also said that they've found that High Pitch Mike still hasn't opened the big screen TV that he won after having Siobhan sit on his face. They'll have that and more all day long on Howard 100 News.
Big Foot said that Lori decided to cause a big scene because of his E.P. which is someone who takes care of him because he can't read or write. That person is a man who lives with him all the time. Howard asked Big Foot if he knows what E.P. Stands for. He said he knows it's Essential Person. The guy lives with him and takes care of him. Big Foot said he got thrown out of Lori's apartment after he bought some Chinese food. He said she thought the E.P. was hungry but he didn't want to give up his Chinese food. Big Foot went on to say that his girlfriend brought her daughter to sleep in bed with her and made accusations about him.
Howard asked Lori if he was accusing her of doing stuff with her daughter. She said she slept on one side of the bed and her daughter was on the other side. She said Big Foot doesn't understand that two people can sleep in the same bed without doing something. She also said that Big Foot said that he hoped her pussy smelled bad and some other rude things. Big Foot said he doesn't remember all of that stuff. He said he crashed his car into the hospital or something like that.
Robin wondered why this guy has to drive when he has to have an E.P. and can't read or write. Lori said that she gave Big Foot a nice place to live and this is the way he treats her. Big Foot said she ragged on him about money all the time when he was living there and she always complained about her arm. Lori said Big Foot would buy happy smoke (Weed) and blow the smoke in her daughter's face. Big Foot didn't remember doing that. Lori said that's because he was high.
Howard asked Big Foot if he still loves Lori. Big Foot said he's not in love after seeing all of this. He was also kind of jealous of her daughter and the time he spent with her. Lori would also speak to the E.P. and that's what upset him as well. Lori also pointed out that Big Foot sucks his thumb every night. Artie got a laugh out of that and called him a homo.
Big Foot and Lori are no more. The two of them are done and Lori said that blowing weed in her daughter's face just wasn't right. She said she'd like to come up to visit again but not under those circumstances. Big Foot said that his E.P. is still living with Lori. Lori said that they're actually thinking about dating now. Big Foot said she was thinking about that the first night he stayed there. Lori said that's not true, they barely spoke when he first moved in. She said they're just hanging out now.
Big Foot said she's probably hanging out with him and having a good time without him there. He said that he paid some bills for her but Lori said he should pay for some of the stuff he used while he was there for a month. Howard took some phone calls after that and one guy said this guy has a great life going with a manager and an E.P. Helping him out.
Lori was claiming that Big Foot was threatening to burn down her house at one point. Howard said that would be a big mistake for him to do. Big Foot said he's not making threats like that, he knows it would be a mistake. Robin asked Big Foot how much of his $8,000 he has left from the football pool. Big Foot said he's got about $3,000 left and he has to think about putting a roof over his head before he goes putting the money into the stock market.
Big Foot and Lori ended up arguing over the phone while Artie was laughing his ass off. He said he loves when Big Foot gets sarcastic and says ''I hope you had a good time, it is.'' Lori said that Big Foot really doesn't know how to handle money. Big Foot was talking about living in his car so he can have more of a normal life.
Howard talked about how in love they seemed to be when they were in recently. Big Foot said she wasn't happy until he came in with his money. She was saying that Big Foot can't even rent a room because no one will rent to him. He's had so many problems that people won't rent him a room.
Howard said he didn't understand what was going on here and how it all went so wrong. Howard said that maybe Big Foot was right to be jealous of the E.P. Thing because she is kind of with him now. Lori said that she never did anything with that guy before Big Foot left. Howard took a call from a guy who said that they have to get this show on the air because it's like a great reality TV show. Other guys were calling in and saying that Big Foot has brought a lot to this show. One guy asked Lori what she was thinking getting into this relationship with the guy who has so many problems.
One caller said it sounds like poor Big Foot was played by this chick. He said it sounds like this chick is banging his E.P. who is being paid by Big Foot. She said that's not the way it happened. Big Foot said all she wanted was his money to pay her bills. Lori said she paid the rent, he just paid some utilities because he was living there with her.
Big Foot claims that Lori stole some VCR tapes that he had. She said she has some stuff he left in the back of her car that he can have back. Big foot said he doesn't want to even see her again so he doesn't care about that stuff. Big Foot said he doesn't need to be around people like that. Lori said he's really not good with kids either and brought up that happy smoke blowing incident again.
Howard asked Big Foot about the thumb sucking thing. Big Foot said that's something he's had going on for years. Howard told the two of them to stay away from each other from now on. They're just not right for each other. They were lucky that they found out early in the relationship that they weren't right for each other. Lori kept bringing up the smoke blowing incident and said that's like child abuse. Howard said they had heard that story and started to wrap up the interview. Big Foot then went into an impression of Lori and said all she did was complain during sex.
Howard said that Big Foot had written a song about Lori so he wondered what was going to happen there. Lori said she wanted nothing to do with that. Lori had to get off the phone because her minutes were running out. She was saying goodbye but Big Foot called her a ''fucking whore'' and refused to say anything nice to her. Lori wished him luck and went away nicely while Big Foot was being kind of douchy.
Howard kept Big Foot on the phone and asked him about the overdose he took when he was with Lori. He said he took about 4 trays worth of pills which was about 14 pills per tray. He said he's on everything you can imagine. He was also saying that he may have to move to Africa to find happiness. Artie got a laugh out of that comment. Howard said he thinks that a lot of these problems have to do with him not understanding stuff and also with his instant fame.
Howard said that they may have to look for a female Big Foot for this guy. Big Foot said they're going to have to look hard and deep for someone like that. Howard said that Big Foot fell hard for this chick but now it's water under the bridge. Big Foot said that he spent $1,300 on that chick and this is the way he gets treated. He did it out of the kindness of his heart but she ends up caring more for his E.P. Than for him. Howard said he hears that Howard TV is going to do a Day in the Life type of thing with Big Foot. Big Foot said that would be good and they could see what he gets himself mixed up in.
Big Foot said there's some fighting going on at the place he's staying at right now. He'll probably be moving again soon when he gets a rental car. He said that Howard can choose to believe Lori if he wants. Artie was making fun of Big Foot a little bit and Big Foot didn't seem to like that.
Howard asked Big Foot if he wanted to talk to his old manager Mike. Big Foot said he doesn't want anything to do with him because he claims he owes him $600. Big Foot said they don't want to start that up so he asked Howard not to put him on the air.
Howard asked Big Foot about his family and where his parents are. Big Foot said his parents don't like him and he's the black sheep of the family. He said his brothers and sisters don't care about him either. Howard said he must be the purple sheep of the family because he's so black.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Big Foot and told him to hang in there. He said if he needs to talk to anyone, he should call Gary and talk to him. Howard let him go a short time later. He said the Howard TV guys should drop all other projects and get on the story of Big Foot.
Eric said he's going to keep leaving message after message poking at each and every one of them until they get so pissed that they decide to roast him. He said he's changed and he's not that weak person anymore. He wants to be roasted and he let them know that.
Howard played another message where Eric talks about how he's not that sensitive about the stuff they say about him. He said that they should give him a fuckin break. He pointed out that Howard is the one who gets sensitive when they bring up marriage. Artie is the one who gets sensitive when they bring up Grandma Caprio. He said he's not as sensitive as the rest of them on the show. He told Howard, Robin and Artie to get it through their brains that he's not sensitive.
Howard had Eric on the phone so he asked him if he understands that they're not going to look good if they roast him. Eric said he doesn't give a fuck. Howard told Eric that Artie and Robin had tears rolling down their faces. Howard also said that JD wanted to come in and roast Eric so he let him come in with his jokes. JD said that Eric should be happier than he is.
JD had some lines that he wrote for this roast and started off goofing on Ronnie the Limo Driver. JD had some jokes about him being a whiny douche bag that he hopes gets run over by a bus. JD was laughing through his jokes and wasn't able to deliver his lines. JD didn't even write the stuff himself, that's why he was laughing so much. Some of the jokes didn't make sense so JD said they could ask the person who wrote them.
Howard asked Eric if he ever got to do the Two Finger Split on any chicks. Eric said he never did. Howard said that they have to get this guy laid. They tried to get him to fuck Tabitha Stevens but he refuses to do that. Eric said that she's got more plastic than Barbie. The guys told him it's better than nothing at all though. Artie said he'd fuck Tabitha if he had the chance.
Howard said that if he was asked to bang Pam Anderson or Jenna Jameson he might have to go with Jenna. He wasn't really sure. JD said that Pam is looking better than Jenna these days though. Howard asked JD if he worries about being with a porn star like Kimberly Kane. JD said he does kind of worry but not that much because they do get tested. Artie said that he didn't go down on the stripper he was with over the weekend because he doesn't know where she's been.
Howard asked Artie if they can talk to that stripper. Artie said he wants to talk to that chick first. He doesn't think she wants to come on the air. Artie said that he may be able to set up a ''Guess Who I Banged'' game with a couple of chicks.
Howard told Eric that the Roast is still a ''no.'' Eric threw in a joke about Artie and his grandmother having facial hair. Artie told him he was going to throw him into a spackle bucket. Howard had another voice mail from Eric where he went off on Howard and the listeners. He said that Howard is the pathetic one, not him. Howard asked Eric if he stays up all night leaving these messages. He said he doesn't but that's kind of what it sounds like he's been doing.
Robin pointed out that Eric blew the whole flying with balloons thing, especially after it happened during the Super Bowl pre-game show. Howard had to let Eric go because he was getting bored. He told Eric again that they can't roast him because he's just not good roast material. He said he's seen pictures of Eric and they're heart breaking. He said he's a good guy. Eric said that there are a lot of pictures of him out there and they're photoshopped. Artie said he was looking at one and he looked just like Larry Hagman after the liver transplant. Robin said she looks kind of like Jackie the Joke Man. Fred said he looks like a shrunken head version of Peter Weller, the guy who played Robocop. Eric sat there and took it all in without getting upset.
Howard asked Artie if he thinks they could go through with the roast. Artie wasn't sure they could pull it off for a full hour. It would be brutal.
Howard replayed the call that Richard made to an old woman where he had his voice sped up. Howard played that call yesterday and still laughed at it today while listening. Most of what Richard says is so sped up that the woman can't understand him but she stays on the line through a lot of the call.
Howard said they want to talk to Richard's father because Artie wants to go hunting with him. Artie said he's never killed anything but a fly... and his relationship... So he'd like to go out and do some manly stuff. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard moved on to talk to Richard Christy's father Tom. Howard asked Tom if he could teach Artie how to hunt. Tom said he could do that and it's not that tough to learn how to do it. He said they could try on some quail or squirrel or even some pheasant. Tom said that he doesn't like that gun control stuff because they gotta have them to shoot their food. They have to eat. Howard asked Tom if Artie is too fat to hunt. Tom said there are a lot of fat guys who hunt so Artie should be fine.
Howard asked Tom if he could find some camouflage for Artie. He said they should be able to find something for him. Howard changed subjects and asked Tom if he'd be able to vote for Rudy Giuliani if he ran for President. Tom said he can't vote for anyone who is for gun control. He just can't deal with that. He said he's even got one of them stickers on his truck that says something about bullets first. He didn't know exactly what it said though. Artie said if he had a bumper sticker on his car, he would know exactly what it said.
Howard asked Tom if they'd start out with a big deer for Artie or something like that. Tom said they could start out with some clay pigeons first. Artie said he'd like to start out with some moose or something big like that. Tom said the biggest thing they have out there are deer so that's what they could go hunting for. Howard said he could never shoot a deer. Artie said he could shoot squirrels because they look like little rats.
Howard asked Tom if he could eat a rat. Tom said that doesn't appeal to him but he will eat pigeons. Artie said he could picture going out to get a sandwich and then go out hunting with Tom. Howard said he'd feel too bad shooting something even though he would like to shoot. Artie would have to get a license to hunt but that let to Artie saying that he is a convicted felon so he might not be able to get a license.
Artie said he'd have to check to see if the felony charge was expunged from his record. He said that happened back in 1996 so he's going to have to look into it more. Fred looked it up and found that there are no restrictions about getting a license but he can't carry a gun. Artie wondered what good that was then.
Howard told Ronnie to come in to talk about the hunting he used to do. He asked him to come in without yelling. Ronnie used to hunt with a bow and arrow. Howard figured he was angry but Ronnie said he wasn't. He said he used to shoot rabbits and squirrels with his bow. He was a good shot in the competitions he used to be in. He said that's a real sport when you use a bow and arrow, not a gun.
Richard came in and talked about how he never really brushed his teeth when he was living at home with his parents. Howard told Tom that Richard had 22 cavities when he moved to New York. Tom sounded very surprised by that. Richard said he's getting some work done this week actually.
The guys talked more about Artie's felony charge and tried to figure out if he'd be able to get a gun. Artie said the charge was just for possession of cocaine. Howard thought he was dealing coke or something. Ronnie told Artie that he'll take him to a place to teach him how to shoot a bow if he wants. Artie said he really wants to shoot with a hand gun though. He used to go shoot at the railroad tracks when he was younger. Ronnie said that he used to go upstate to shoot raccoons in a junk yard.
Tom said that he's up for this hunting thing. They could have Artie shoot a .357 at his neighbor's house if he wanted to shoot a hand gun. Tom said that they had some rabbit yesterday as a meal. Howard asked him if he would eat a chipmunk. He said he wasn't sure about that. He wouldn't want to eat a cat either. Robin asked him if he shot a duck, and it lived, would he kill it or keep it alive. Tom said he'd probably kill kit. He said it would be rough to do something like that.
Gary told Howard that this trip is going to be sponsored by an advertiser so Howard had to read the plug. Artie sounded surprised that this whole thing was actually happening. They talked about how dangerous these hunting trips could be. Tom was shot in the foot while hunting one time. Tom said that his brother-in-law shot him when they were hunting for squirrels. He said the squirrel ran by his foot and he ended up getting shot. Howard told Artie that he's going on this trip. Artie said he hasn't been to Kansas in about 8 years but he's looking forward to the clean air out there.
Howard let Tom go and said he heard Ronnie was getting goofed on by Sal and Richard. The Howard TV guys had some video of that so they showed it to everyone on the monitors in the studio. Richard said that they were trying to lure Ronnie out of Scott's studio with some Scores funny money. Howard asked how things are going over there at Scores. Ronnie said everything is fine and they're doing business as usual.
Robin told Artie that if he doesn't want to go out there, she'll go in his place. She was just kidding. Howard took a break a short time later.
Gary came in and said that he wanted to make a point. He said that a lot of people who opposed it in the e-mail were saying they wouldn't do it to older kids. Gary said he's not spying on kids that are 17. His son is only 12. Howard said that's old enough that he should let him know what he's doing. Howard said he'd be interested in knowing what his daughter's are emailing but he wouldn't spy on them like that. Gary said his son doesn't get e-mail, it's all instant messages.
Howard read through some of the mail he's gotten about the subject. Some people agreed with Howard and some thought he should let Gary off the hook because he's just trying to protect his kid from the online pervs that are out there. One guy wanted to know what software Gary was using to keep an eye on his kids. He's like to spy on his own kids.
Robin was saying that some of this stuff is done because parents are lazy. Gary said he wanted to know what he should do then. She said that he should limit the kid's time on the computer and be there as he's doing it. Robin said that he should be there while his kid is on the internet. Gary said it's impossible to be there all the time that the kid is on the internet. Howard told him that maybe he should tell his son that he's watching him then. Gary said he can't watch over him the whole time and he's still thinking about telling his son about what he's doing.
Howard said it's almost like Gary wants to catch his son doing something weird. Gary said he started doing this to keep the kid off some of those wacky web sites. Howard read one e-mail from a guy who said that he found out that his 12 year old daughter had an 18 year old offering to show her his penis. That's the kind of stuff parents can find out by spying on them. Gary said if he tells his son what he's doing, that would give him a reason to figure out ways around the software he's using. He's afraid his son will go somewhere else to find the weird web sites if he knows he's keeping an eye on him.
Howard said that Gary is getting off on reading his son's thoughts. Gary said he doesn't read them all, he just reads maybe 1 in 15 of the IMs. Robin wanted to know if Jon Hein's daughters know that he's doing the same thing. Howard said Gary was playing God and that's why he won't tell his son what he's doing. Gary said he thinks that Howard believes that he's God and knows exactly what to do. Howard said that he would be pissed if he knew that a company was reading his e-mails and he wouldn't work for them. Gary said he does work for a company that does that. He said that if they're on the company network, they have the ability to read his mail.
Howard said that if SIRIUS is reading his e-mail without his permission, he will walk out of there. Gary said he can find out in about a half hour if they're doing that. Howard asked Gary why he hasn't told his son about what he's doing. Gary said he's not sure why and he's still thinking about possibly telling him. Gary tried to give his thoughts on all of that but Howard kept interrupting him and didn't let him finish a line.
Gary said that he's going to think about what Howard has said and he may just tell his son what he's doing. Jon Hein walked in so Robin asked him if his daughters know what he does. Jon said they don't know and he's not comfortable telling them what he does. He said he trusts his daughters... Howard interrupted and said he doesn't trust them if he doesn't tell them what he's doing. He said he would tell his kids that he was doing that if he was spying on them. He said he knows they'd hate him for it but he would want to be honest about it.
Jon said he does not read the conversations between his kids and their friends. He only looks at who is talking to his kids. That's it. Howard said he doesn't believe that he doesn't read those messages. Jon said he read only one and realized how wrong it was so that was it.
Artie said that Jon had to have read more than one. Even if it was out of curiosity. Jon said he did read one when he saw that his daughter had spoken to someone he didn't recognize. He said his daughter came to him with that and told him about how she had blocked that person.
Gary said that it's possible that other people are going to be close to Artie's weight. Artie said he was getting close to 300 pounds though so that's going to be hard to beat.
Steve Langford got back to his news rundown and said that Artie told the audience that he would deny ever saying any of that stuff. Steve also said that they have a story about attorney Jack Thompson. They'll also be talking about this 3 foot person who flew with balloons during the Cirque de Soleil pre-game show before the Super Bowl. They'll get some comments from Eric the Midget about that.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his show preview. Jon ran down some of the stuff that they'll be covering today on The Wrap Up Show. They'll be covering all of the big stories that happened during today's show. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said the guy wants to call into the show and talk about Christianity is still out there and that God loves everyone. Howard said he might just talk to that guy.
Ralph called in and wanted to get back on the Gary thing. Howard told him he's done with that and the show is getting late so maybe he should call The Wrap Up Show instead.
Howard had Robin start her news. They ended up talking about Johnny Knoxville getting divorced and how that really wasn't a big surprise to anyone. Howard also played some audio of David Spade talking about his relationship with Heather Locklear on David Letterman's show recently. Spade was also on Ellen Degeneres' show avoiding talking about his relationship with Heather. He wouldn't even mention her name. The guys all found that kind of weird the way he was avoiding the question like he was the lesbian and couldn't admit to being with another woman.
Howard and the guys tried analyzing what was going on with David and Heather. Howard said he'd have to get out of a relationship if the woman was so embarrassed by him that she didn't want him talking about their relationship even though they've been photographed all over the place constantly.
Howard mentioned that they have a picture of Sal being choked by Ronnie the Limo Driver up on his web site that's pretty funny.
Howard read through some e-mail during the news. Someone wrote in and said that he brought some cupcakes for Artie when he saw him out in Vegas. There were some others who wrote in about Artie's Vegas shows. There were also some e-mails about their conversations about Prince's performance during the half-time show. Some people thought his guitar sounded fine, others thought he was pissed and threw the guitar off the stage at the end of the show. Someone thought that Fred should stop commenting on that kind of stuff because he really has no idea what it's like to play in a stadium like that. Howard took some abuse about the whole Prince thing too. Some people told him that Prince isn't as great as he made him out to be.
Scott Ferrall called in and told Howard that Artie didn't just leave the cupcakes that were thrown up on stage on his stool. He said he gulped down some Jack and water and then whipped the cupcake into the crowd. Howard thanked Scott for the call and told him what a great job he's doing with his show.
Howard took a call from a guy doing an impression of weatherman Lloyd Lindsay Young who they used to deal with when they were doing their show over at Channel 9. Howard asked Lloyd to sing for them because he knew it was Sour Shoes the one man band. Sour Shoes broke into a Tears for Fears song and then got back into his Lloyd Lindsay Young impression. Howard told him he had to get going after that. Artie said that guy Lloyd was really fun to watch on TV but that reference was pretty obscure.
Robin continued on with her news and Howard wrapped up the show around 11:05am. Artie got in a quick plug for an appearance he's making at The Rail on Main in Bound Brook, NJ tomorrow night from 6-8pm.
Howard started off the show talking about the fun they were having already just 2 minutes into the show. He said he promised to play the phony phone call that Richard made where he sped up his voice so that's what he did right away. After playing the call he said that Richard and Sal were prank calling a tele-psychic who put a curse on them the last time they called. Now they take people's phone numbers when they call the show but that didn't stop Richard and Sal. The guy ended up giving out their phone number on the air but they didn't care about that. They've only gotten about 3 phone calls because of that.
Howard played that phone call where they call Morris and he recognizes Richard. Richard asks when his balls are go... and gets cut off. Howard said that was one of the first calls they took on the show. They hung up on him immediately. Sal then called in and got cut off immediately. Morris, the host, said that maybe they have their phone numbers to give out. He takes another call which is an intern who gets through for a few seconds until Sal gets on and screams out that Grandma Caprio has a beer bottle stuck in her pussy. Morris threatens to give out their phone number. Then they take another call but hang up on the woman before she can get out her joke. Morris then says he wants to give out their number. He reads it off and asks them how they like that. He tells his fans to call that number at all times of the day. Howard said there were only 3 people who called so it didn't do much of anything.
Howard played another call where Richard called a show and told the host that he's had a change in his life recently. He discovered he can lick his own asshole. They hang up on him immediately of course. The host says that he may just have to drop this stuff and stop taking phone calls. Howard said that when these guys make phony phone calls they have people running around like crazy to make the calls happen.
Eric said he wants the news team to stop calling his parents house because he doesn't live there anymore. He also asked if they replay Beth's show ''Casino Cinema'' more than once a week. He wanted to see Diana Degarmo on the latest episode but he missed it. Howard said he remembers Beth telling him she was on but he forgot to tell Eric. He said he might be able to get a tape of it. Eric said he'd like a tape of that. Howard said he'd see what he could do to get one for him.
Howard said he really doesn't mind doing him a favor. Then he asked Eric if he left a message for them yesterday. He played the call that they had edited where they had Eric saying he takes it in the butt and he wants to eat Robin's cock. Eric said that wasn't him but the guys said that it sounded like him. Howard said it was actually Dan the Song Parody Man who had edited it. Howard said it's scary how they can make it sound so real. Eric wasn't happy with that so Howard pointed out that there's no way he could handle a roast if he can't handle that.
Howard had a clip of a prank call from last year when they had him believing that he might be able to meet Diana Degarmo. They threw in some references to flying during the discussion and talked about his height, then did some calculations and told him it would be 750 balloons. Eric went off on them thinking it was Sal and Richard.
Gary said that JD has a copy of Casino Cinema but he hates Eric so he wants him to say ''I love big, black cock'' to get the tape. Howard told Gary to just send him the tape. Eric wasn't going to say that. JD came in and said he's really not going to send him that tape unless he says ''I like big, black cock.'' Eric said he could find another way to get the tape if JD won't send it to him. By that time Howard, Gary and JD had all said ''I like big, black cock.'' Eric still didn't want to say it though.
Howard told Eric he's going to send him the tape anyway. Eric then asked Howard if he wanted to do a NASCAR 101 show to teach the fans what the sport is about. Howard isn't interested, he said they can listen to the NASCAR channel if they want to know more. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go. He told him that Siobhan has been saying that he should be roasted. He took a call from her and Siobhan said she thinks that it's discriminatory of them not to roast him. She suggested that the Wack Pack roast him instead of them doing it. She said she had a joke and screwed up the line as she was saying something about how a cat that Eric's parents had gotten him tried to bury Eric in it's litter box. Howard thanked her for the call and was going to let her go.
Siobhan asked if she could sit in on some creative meetings there. Howard told her that wasn't going to happen. She asked if she could send in some ideas so Howard told her to send it to Artie. She asked for an address she could send it to. Artie gave her this e-mail address... ''artie@babygorilla./.org corporate_jerseyboys/.com'' which made absolutely no sense.
Eric asked Artie if he was full of shit with that address. He obviously didn't get that it was a joke. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard got the joke eventually but didn't have the whole conversation to play. Artie said he's glad Robin got the joke, it would have been hard for him to explain. Howard had another clip from the Wrap Up Show where Sal claims that he created magic on the show with his balls being rubbed on Ronnie.
Howard said he thought a mic was open in the studio or something but it turned out to be Robin's printer. He told her to get rid of that thing already.
Howard said he was listening to Bubba's show yesterday and he was talking about trying to get off the Ambien and how tough that's been. He said Bubba doesn't realize that he's staying awake so much because of the other pills he's taking. Howard said he could listen to Bubba all day long with that stuff. Robin said he's been talking about how he thinks the Feds are opening his mail and going through it.
Howard said Bubba took a call from a guy who asked Bubba why he doesn't talk about Clear Channel the way he wanted to. Bubba claims he's got a lawsuit going and they're tying him up with that stuff. Howard said he's heard those stories and no one is missing anything but it's very funny to hear him talking about it on the air. Robin said that Bubba is in love with Lisa Lampanelli since she started coming on the show. He asked her if she wanted to beat a black guy on the show when she was on the other day. She said that Lisa went through with it even though she was kind of uncomfortable with it.
Artie asked if Lisa went out on a date with 25 Cent. Robin said Lisa rejected the guy and 25 Cent got upset and walked off the show so Bubba was ready to fire him.
He also said that Ron Jeremy is coming in and he's kind of upset because of one of the things that was written up in the book. Apparently the rumor that Cabbie had sex in his old K-Rock studio is true. He said he thought Cabbie denied the story and now he's thinking that he got screwed over by the guy. Cabbie, Tabitha Stevens and Ron were the three who were in the studio according to the book. Howard said they were having sex on his chair in that old studio so he's kind of disturbed by that whole story. He said that really scheeves him out.
Howard still has the chair from the old studio. He mentioned some of the other people they have coming on the show soon including Richard Simmons, Nancy Sinatra, Justin Guarini and Mr. Skin.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him what he would think if Beth appeared in Playboy. Howard thought about it for a second and said a part of him would like to see her in there, but then he thinks it would be kind of creepy. He said that a lot of women who appear in Playboy think it's going to change their lives. He said it could ruin the relationship because he'd think that she was a nut. Robin said she wouldn't do it unless she was paid enough to disappear completely.
Howard said Beth doesn't have a problem doing FHM or Maxim magazines but she doesn't want to do full nude stuff. Howard and Robin said that a lot of women do that stuff to get their names out there and she really doesn't need to do that. Howard said she's been offered some TV stuff and turned down that ''Armed and Famous'' show that didn't last more than a couple of episodes. He said she was even offered some other reality TV stuff as well.
Howard was going to play some clips from American Idol but the caller he had on the line didn't want to hear them so he asked Howard not to play them. Howard hung up on him and went on to play the clips anyway. He played the audio from the audition where they were goofing on the black woman. Howard said Paula Abdul is one step away from being that chick. He got sidetracked when he brought up how Mariah Carey has been talking about him in interviews a lot lately. He said she's blaming him for some of her problems. He mentioned another article where the owner of a restaurant claims that he got a call from Howard Stern to get a reservation but Howard said he's never even heard of the restaurant.
Howard read some of the comments Mariah Carey has said about him. He quickly went through that and then read an article about how terrestrial radio has been getting desperate to get people to listen. They claim they wake up 93 percent of New Yorkers every morning but then they say that they only reach 2.4 million people.
Howard asked Dr. Keith about what he thinks of Oprah having the kidnapped and molested kid on her show. He didn't answer immediately but eventually said she probably shouldn't have had him on the show. He said he would offer the kid free therapy but they wouldn't want to stick the kid on TV. Howard said he's a better man than he is. Dr. Ablow wouldn't say that Oprah exploited the child but if that's what Howard wanted to say, that was fine. Dr. Ablow said that trotting him in front of the cameras really was wrong because he was being treated like a side-show freak.
Howard said the reason Dr. Ablow is on the phone is to say that he agrees with him about how Gary should tell his kids that he's spying on them. Howard let Dr. Keith tell Gary about what he thought about the whole thing. Dr. Ablow said that if his son found out that he was spying on him, he might get angry and start changing the way he speaks. Gary said that he and his wife had a discussion last night that they are going to tell their son that they are watching him. Gary said he heard that Jon Hein told his daughter last night and she treated it like she already knew and he thinks that his son may do the same thing. Gary and Dr. Ablow went through the whole thing and talked about how the 12 year old is probably going to edit himself but you can't know every single little thing that your kid does.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who asked Dr. Keith about what he would have done if he had that kidnapped kid in his practice. Dr. Keith basically said that the parents probably should have kept the kid sheltered after they got him back.
Dominic also said that he thinks that watching your kids on the computer is a good thing. He said that the kid could go next door and talk on someone else's computer. Gary said he can only do so much though and he can't shield the kid from the entire world. Gary said he still thinks about the way his mother spied on him and he wonders why he's doing similar things to his kids. Dr. Ablow said that people tend to do what their parents do to protect their kids.
Eric the Midget called in and said that he heard that Dr. Ablow is going to have Diana Degarmo on the show soon. Dr. Keith said that is true, they have already taped a show with some American Idol contestants on it. Eric said he can't find the show in the Sacramento area. Dr. Ablow said that they had Katherine McPhee on the show so the guys all went nuts as if they were Eric getting all excited about that.
Howard thanked Dr. Keith for calling in and pointing out what a monster Oprah is. Dr. Keith didn't think he had done that. Howard thanked him anyway and went to break a short time later.
Howard wondered if it was rude of him to play that song even though the whole audience had just heard it. Robin called it an Instant Replay like they do on some radio stations. Howard let it play a little longer and then said that they have put together a retrospective of the musical performances that they had on his show in the past 20 years. Starting Friday, February 16th and ending that Sunday, they're going to run this special. Jon Hein worked on the special and told Howard that they spoke to Jakob Dylan about the Wallflowers performances on the show. They also spoke to many other artists who performed on the show over the years. Howard ran through the list of names he had in front of him and they got a whole bunch of interviews.
Howard said they'll be covering the international shows they did where people performed. He ran down name after name of the people who have been on the show over the years and they will be playing over 200 songs over the weekend. Jon said that he always loved the songs performed on the show and this is the compilation that people have been waiting for. Howard thanked him for putting in so much work on that special.
Ron said that it can be a lot of pressure to perform in front of the camera and it's not as easy as Howard makes it sound. He said he's had directors yelling at him to get it up because they're losing daylight.
Howard wanted to get to the controversial part of this book that Ron wrote, Ron Jeremy: The Hardest (Working) Man in Showbiz. He put Cabbie on the phone because this had something to do with him. There are about 5 pages dedicated to this story about Cabbie having sex in the old K-Rock studio. Ron said that Cabbie didn't have anything to do with letting them into the studio. Howard was still upset with Cabbie for doing it. He thought that Cabbie was his friend.
Cabbie was on the phone so Howard got into the story. Ron said that this guy Brett was a friend of Cabbie's and Brett was the one who said that Howard would be fine with the whole thing. Howard said that Cabbie had to have arranged the whole thing. Cabbie said there are a lot of people who work at the station and could have let them in. Ron said that Cabbie didn't actually do anything inside the studio, he did stuff outside the studio. Cabbie said he did know about this stuff and he'd be a fool to lie about it. Cabbie said that it is what it is and it happened so you know... Cabbie claims that Howard once told him it would be fine to make a porno in the studio. Howard thought he was being silly and there's no way he would agree to that. Cabbie said he did ask him and that conversation does exist.
Cabbie said that he didn't line up anything in this deal, it was this guy Brett. Howard wanted Cabbie to come clean and let him know what went on. He thought it was Tabitha Stevens who was in there but it was actually Taylor Wayne according to Ron. Ron said he wore a Gene Simmons mask during the sex and he had to get a release signed from Gene to do it that way. Ron also said that Cabbie did not let them into the studio, it was someone else. Ron claims he was told that Howard was into the whole thing and he was going to promote it. That's why they had no problem doing it in the studio.
Howard said he understands that Ron is innocent in this whole thing. He asked him what he did in the studio. Ron said that they did some scenes in the studio but there was no ending. He said he was in Howard's chair and the chair was covered in towels. They didn't use the microphone either. Howard said his studio was locked so someone had to have had a key to get in there. Ron said they absolutely did have a key. Cabbie said that the studio wasn't always locked so that's not true. He said the studio was pretty much wide open all the time.
Howard asked Cabbie what his involvement was in this whole thing. Cabbie was comparing himself to Steven Spielberg saying that's what his job was. He said he was basically a producer for the movie they shot there. He claims he never guaranteed them anything like that. He said he was never the one to get them in there.
Howard said he thought Cabbie was friends with him but this is not a good thing. Gary came in and said he wanted to ask Cabbie a question. Cabbie then went off on him for throwing him under the bus when he said he really wasn't. Gary said that he told Cabbie what he was going to be doing when he spoke to him last night. Gary just wanted to know who got those people into the building because someone had to put them on a list to get them up there. Cabbie said he's not going to throw someone under the bus. He said he might come in and talk to Howard in person and tell him what went on.
Cabbie said that a lot of people had sex in his chair up there but he's not going to throw anyone under the bus. Cabbie kept bringing up the Steven Spielberg analogy and no one understood that. Howard said that Cabbie basically used him. Cabbie said he really didn't though. Howard said he and Cabbie were pals, they hung out and this is the way he treats him. He thinks that Cabbie fucked him over. Howard said he wrote to Cabbie when he was in prison and even lobbied to get him a job there at SIRIUS.
Cabbie said the movie will never see the light of day. Ron said that Cabbie had the movie shelved. Howard said that's because he probably would have lost his job. Cabbie said that's not why it got shelved. He said he chose not to put it out and there were many reasons for that. Cabbie said that the top three reasons were ''Because I didn't want to put it out.'' That was his top three. He apologized to Howard but also said that he remembers Howard telling him that he could make a movie in the studio.
Artie told Cabbie that he really has to come clean and admit to what he did. He said he's really digging the hole deeper by not fessing up to what he did. Cabbie blamed this all on Ron for putting out a book with a story that mention's Howard's name in it. He seems to think that he only wrote it to get on the show. Cabbie said he knows he fucked up and he's not saying that he let them in the building but he knows he was part of something that was wrong.
Ron brought up this Brett guy again and said he admits to being the producer of the movie. Howard said he doesn't know who that guy is though. Cabbie apologized to Howard a bunch of times but it didn't seem to be helping. Howard took some phone calls after that. One guy went off on Cabbie calling him the biggest fucking scumbag in the world. He told him he's a scumbag and he shouldn't have stabbed Howard in the back the way he did. He and Cabbie yelled at each other, cursing each other out. Ron said it's a whole new world here on satellite with the guys cursing like that.
Howard wanted to know if Cabbie was in business with this Brett guy. Cabbie didn't answer immediately and didn't know what he meant by business. Cabbie said that he was just an employee, he wasn't in business with the guy. Artie asked him if he helped get all of these people into the building. Cabbie said someone else got them in, but he did know about it. Howard wondered if he knew they were shooting a porno in the studio. Cabbie said he did know about it but he didn't talk about it for years. Robin asked him if Cabbie was the reason people were running around saying Howard was okay with it. Cabbie denied that was because of him. Howard said that even if he had told Cabbie it was okay to shoot a porno in the studio, he should have known that it wasn't the right thing to do there because they can't have sex at the radio station like that.
Artie went off on Cabbie saying he sounds retarded talking about this stuff the way he was. Artie said he just keeps digging the hole deeper. Cabbie didn't know what he wanted him to say. Howard wondered where the tape is. Ron said he thinks it was all destroyed but then Gary said that in the book it says that Ron has a VHS copy of it.
Fred asked whose idea it was to shoot in the studio. Cabbie said he wasn't going to talk about that and throw anyone under the bus. He said he's going to take the heat for it and not blame anyone else for what happened. Cabbie said there are some things you just don't tell and this is one of them. Artie told Cabbie to just talk about his involvement with the whole thing and tell them whose idea it was. Cabbie then said that it wasn't his idea to shoot in the studio. Cabbie claims he didn't have anything to do with the planning. Howard said he didn't believe that. Fred pointed out that Cabbie did say that he asked Howard on the air if he could make a porno in the studio.
Howard said he wants to know what Cabbie's role was in the whole movie thing. Cabbie said the appeal of the movie was him appearing in a porno. Howard said it sounded more like it was getting into his studio to shoot the movie that was the appeal of the movie.
Irish John called in and said he heard from Tabitha Stevens that she refused to have sex on the console because she knows how germ phobic Howard is. Ron said that Tabitha never did go in the studio, she had sex outside the studio. It was Taylor Wayne who had sex with Ron.
Artie said he loves Cabbie and not coming clean right now is probably burning a bridge that he's going to need in the future. Cabbie said this whole thing never needed to come out. He knows it was a mistake and he made sure he got rid of the whole thing. He said he made a mistake and he put it away but someone wanted to sell a book and had to put it in the book. Cabbie was blaming Ron for this whole thing but it really wasn't his fault.
Artie asked Cabbie if he was doing his radio show while the sex was going on in the studio. Cabbie said he wasn't in another studio at the time, he wasn't working. He said he was in the station though. Howard took a call from Ralph who said that he is ''Crazy'' Cabbie so they have to expect stuff like this from him. He was also saying that it's obvious that Cabbie is lying because he pauses when he's asked certain questions. Fred said that anyone would know that filming a porn in Howard's studio is wrong so Cabbie can only pull that ''Crazy'' card so much. Cabbie didn't think he was doing that at all.
Artie was yelling at Cabbie about not coming clean but Cabbie thought he was coming clean. Cabbie was saying that he knows how to make things right. He said he put that whole thing to rest and that's the way it was supposed to be but Ron had to put that in his book. Ralph said Ron has the right to put that in the book because it was part of his life too. Cabbie was saying that some things happened when he was in the service during war time but he just drops it and doesn't talk about it. Ralph told him he just doesn't get it.
Cabbie and Ron went at each other a little bit arguing about whether or not the story should have been put out. Howard wanted to go to Angry Black who said that he and Cabbie had a fight in 2001 and he went to see Ron and Tabitha at a porn event. He said that guy Brett showed him a video and in the video it looked like Cabbie was banging a chick in Howard's studio. Angry was saying that he wasn't throwing Cabbie under the bus but Cabbie went off on him and didn't want to let him finish the story. Cabbie said he wants to talk to Howard off the air about the whole thing but Howard has no desire to do that with him.
Cabbie told Howard he's sorry. Howard said he really likes Cabbie even though he's made a lot of mistakes in his life. Howard said he feels betrayed and gets hurt when something like that happens. He said he's been betrayed by a couple of close friends in his life and it really sucks. He wants to have only good feelings about Cabbie and he's going to have a tough time getting past this whole thing. Howard said Cabbie was so close with him that he was actually there the night he met Beth. Cabbie apologized again and said he fucked up and he's very sorry.
Cabbie seemed to think that they weren't letting him finish talking so that's why it seemed like he wasn't going to. Howard told him he can't blame Ron for this whole thing. He really has nothing to do with it. Howard said that if someone else betrayed him, that's their story but today it's all about Cabbie. Cabbie tried to explain what his point of view was in this whole thing but it didn't make any sense to Howard.
Howard told Cabbie he doesn't want to talk about this stuff anymore so he asked him to just drop it. Artie asked him to just tell them if there were other people involved with the movie. Cabbie said he's not going there. He said he's not going to tell on anyone else because he's never done that in his whole life. Howard said that Cabbie should tell him if there's someone else out there who he can't trust. Cabbie said he's not going to do that to somebody. Howard said if he cared for him as much as he claims he does, he should tell him. Cabbie kept saying he's not going to do that to anyone.
Howard took another call from Bobo who said he knows that Stuttering John knows about the story because he remembers him bringing it up on the air one time. Howard said that maybe John will tell him then. He said if Cabbie tells him that this didn't go down, he'd believe him.
Ralph called back and asked Cabbie how he owned the rights to the movie if he wasn't in business with that Brett guy. Cabbie said that Steven Spielberg would own the rights... and then went off on Ralph for digging deeper into the whole thing. Howard said he still feels betrayed and he doesn't want to talk about this stuff off the air.
Howard let Cabbie go and got back to Ron and his book. Ron said he's got some stories about Sam Kinison in the book. He said they flipped a car over on their way to do a comedy show one time. They were talking about God in the car that day and after they walked away without any injuries, Sam asked him if he believed in God. Ron said that he told Sam he sure goes a long way to prove a point.
Ron told a couple of other quick stories about how he once showed Paris Hilton his penis in a bathroom but he didn't do anything else. Howard said Sal the Stockbroker once took out his balls and showed them while Ron was getting his picture taken. Ron said he didn't know what the hell was going on that day. He said they were out in L.A. doing a show and he thought it was just his hand on his head. Gary said he remembers how angry Ron was after that because he was out there at the time.
Sal wanted to demonstrate how he did the balls on Ron's head so he got behind him on the couch to demonstrate. He said he wasn't really going to do it but as soon as they heard his pants unbutton, they knew he was going to do it. Howard told him to leave Ron alone and get out of the studio.
Howard asked Ron about banging Blue Iris. Ron said that he didn't bang her, he actually got blown by her. He said he has a technique for getting hard for chicks like that. Howard gave Ron a plug for his book which is kind of controversial already. He lets it all out in the book ''Ron Jeremy: The Hardest (Working) Man in Showbiz.'' you can also check Ron out at Myspace.com/RonJeremy.
Artie asked Ron about the jobs he had before he got into porn and then Howard played some audio of Kathy Griffin talking about going out with Ron. She was talking about it on The View and said that she went on a date with Ron only because she wanted to get her picture in a magazine. She said she took him home to meet her parents.
One caller asked Ron about banging Traci Lords and also asked Howard about this Miss Black Howard Stern contest and if the contestants have to bang white guys. Howard said that's funny because they got a complaint from a woman who was upset that they had to prove that they were convicted felons. It turns out they left in some rules from a previous contest where they had convicted felons in the contest. Howard said the woman got upset and told all of her friends that they were racists because of that.
Howard was going to go to break but Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Howard was the only one supporting Cabbie when he was in prison. She said that he should have treated him better and she's getting tired of that Cabbie. Another caller asked Ron if he banged that chick Trichelle from the Real World. He said he didn't get to do that but things got kind of wild on this show he did. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Andrea asked Artie if she wanted to go on a date with her. Artie said he absolutely would but he did think she looked a little heavier than she has before. Howard asked her to pull down her pants so he could see her ass to see if she was heavy. He took a look at that and found that she looked fine. Artie told her to stay just the way she was.
Gary said that Andrea got into a car accident after getting out of rehab and knocked out two of her teeth. She talked about the rehab thing and how she was in for 8 weeks but she's still drinking. Howard didn't think that it worked for her. Howard also heard that she got married and divorced as well. Andrea said she just filed for divorce yesterday. She just got married on January 10th. She said that her husband was a complete mental case and a total obsessed fan. She said he found out all of this crazy shit about her and she never really loved the guy, she just wanted a ring. Andrea said she had to get a divorce after finding out how crazy he was.
Howard said that Andrea is on a team with Bob Levy and Crackhead Bob today. He said that all three of them are kind of slow. Howard then introduced the porn stars who were going up against them in this contest. Trina Michaels was first up and said she thinks she knows stuff and they should be able to beat the other team. Howard read some stuff about Trina and found she's done Double Anal in her movies. She said that's two guys in her at the same time. The guys wondered how that works. She explained it and Levy said it sounds like it's two fags fucking her in the ass.
Trina said that she doesn't like doing a lot of anal because some positions do hurt. She said the Cowgirl position is one of them. Howard asked Andrea if she would ever do porn. She said she wants to do voice overs, not actual porn. She said she has dreams and if she doesn't make it, she doesn't make it. Howard asked Crackhead Bob if he's ever done a chick in the Cowgirl Position like Trina was talking about with the anal thing. Bob said he hasn't but Andrea said she has done that.
Howard moved on to Liv Wilder and found out that she's blown guys who have stuck their penises through a glory hole in a book store. She said they don't use condoms when they do that either. Howard also read that she's had an umbrella stuck up her ass. She's a married woman and her husband apparently doesn't mind doing that. She said that her husband doesn't mind her doing that or even working at the Bunny Ranch. Howard said she's playing for plugs so he's going to hold off on that for now.
Howard moved on to Lyla Lei and played a clip from one of her movies where she did a black guy. Howard said that she has something in common with Robin and they both use vegetables to get off. Lyla also says that she has to pleasure herself a couple times a day even when she has sex. She claims that she sees ghosts as well and they have talked to her. She was told that mooning the ghosts is the best way to get rid of them. Artie asked her how long she's had a problem with Angel Dust. She had no idea what he was talking about. Artie said that it does sound like the symptoms of using drugs. Lyla had a bit of an accent even though she grew up in this country. She blamed that on her parents because of the way they spoke.
Robin said she thought that the Slow Adults team were going to win today. Artie said that the new name for that team was going to be ''Two Boobs and Two Bobs.'' Howard got into the game a short time later and said that the players had to answer the questions on their own without the help from their team. Howard asked Andrea ''Name a fruit that begins with the letter L.'' Artie threw out ''Liberace'' before Andrea answered with ''Lemon.'' Andrea won a plug but her plug was having her hair stylist sing a song.
Howard moved on to Trina and asked ''What does it mean if an animal is nocturnal?'' She got that right so she got a plug for her web site TrinaMichaelsXXX.com and AssassinPictures.com
Howard moved on to Bob Levy and asked him to spell the word Prophet. Bob spelled it ''PHOFET'' so Artie got in a laugh. He tried again and spelled it ''PHOET.'' Everyone laughed at him again. Howard asked Liv to spell the word and she spelled it ''PHROPHET.'' Crackhead Bob was up next and he wasn't able to spell it either. Howard went to Lyla and asked her to spell the word. She spelled it ''PROFIT'' and got it wrong. Andrea tried and actually got it right. Howard said she's going to get her friend in there to sing then.
Howard went to Liv again and asked her ''Who is Wolf Blitzer?'' She knew he was a reporter so she got a plug for Cathouse which is on HBO. You can also see her at LivWilder.com.
Howard asked Bob to spell Prophet again and he still wasn't able to do it. Howard went to Lyla and asked her who played in this year's Super Bowl. She said ''Tony something...'' and didn't seem to have a clue what the question even was. Howard asked her what two teams played. She said it was ''Chicago and the Bears'' and got it wrong. Andrea tried answering and said that it was ''Manning and... God Damnit!'' She missed so Trina came in with the right answer and got another plug for her web site.
Howard got back to Bob and asked him to spell Prophet again but Bob begged for another question. Howard asked him to spell February. He spelled it ''FEBAURAUY'' and then ''FEBAURY.'' Liv spelled it wrong, Crackhead Bob wasn't able to do it either. Howard asked him to count to 5 instead. Bob was able to do that so he got a plug but didn't actually have one so Bob said he was going to put him on his show this Saturday. Howard gave Bob a plug for his show because of that.
Howard asked Lyla to spell February but she couldn't do it either. Andrea asked to spell it but even she wasn't able to do it, and her birthday is in February. Howard asked her to try again and she spelled it ''FEBURADAY.'' Howard spelled it for everyone since none of them were able to do it.
Howard went to Trina with the next question and asked her ''What direction on a map is to the left?'' She got it when she said ''West.'' Howard gave her more plugs for her web sites once again. He then went to Bob Levy again and asked him to name 3 continents. Bob said ''Oh fuck, uh...Asia, uh, Asia...uh, Europe and uh Germany.'' Howard told him he was wrong and asked Trina to give him an answer. Artie told Bob that he never wants to see him again after this. He's retarded. He pointed out that Bob just said Germany.
Trina said that Asia, Europe and North America were her answers so she got another one right. Howard said that the porn stars were pulling way ahead now. They only had two questions left. He asked Crackhead Bob to divide 75 by 3. Howard asked him to work it out loud so they could hear his thought process. Bob had no idea. Andrea said she knew it. Howard wanted to give Crackhead Bob a question that he could actually answer. He asked Bob what Neil Armstrong is famous for. Bob mumbled some answer that made no sense and made some sounds while giving the answer. Bob was grunting like an animal and counting down from 5 and saying ''Up, up, up.'' Howard gave it to him since he was close enough.
Howard went to Lyla again and asked her ''The term Feline refers to what?'' Artie was still making fun of Crackhead Bob while Lyla tried to answer. She said that she was thinking that it means something about money... like a ''fee line.'' Artie thought that was pretty funny. Howard asked Andrea if she knew. She said it was a female dog. Howard asked Trina who actually knew it was a cat. The score was 6-4 with the Porn Stars winning. He gave Trina another plug and then asked Shuli to come in and give them some words that Bob Levy can't say.
Howard gave Lyla some plugs for her web sites LylaLeiXXX.com and GoldStarModeling.com. He also gave Bob Levy some plugs for his upcoming comedy shows and web site RevBobLevy.com.
Howard spent a little time talking to the girls about their stuff and then had the guys bring in Andrea's friend to sing her song since she won that. Andrea said that her friend has been her hair dresser since she was 13 and she's her best friend. The friend's name was Letisha Wolfe. She played guitar and sang a song about Andrea and her drinking. She stopped after just a few seconds so the guys told her to keep going. She continued for a little while.
Howard asked if anyone wanted to ride the Sybian before they ended this. Liv volunteered very quickly so Howard told her to go over and take it for a ride. She has been on one before so that's why she was so excited to get on. Howard asked her if she wanted to take off some clothes for them. She did that and got back on. Gary then started up the machine and started her out slow. She asked for him to raise it up so Howard told him to just bring it up all the way. Liv started moaning after about 30 seconds and said she loves that thing. She grunted and moaned for a short time and then completed her ride. She was shaking according to Howard. Gary said that she actually road the thing with her legs off the ground. Bob Levy said he even came during that. Liv said she really needs to get one at home. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Howard told Will to stay by Andrea because she was a little wobbly. Benjy then went on to say that he was out in the green room and she asked him to get her some weed. Then she asked for some coke. Andrea said that weed and alcohol are fine, she's not looking to get coke. She said that she's drunk and she really doesn't know what she said. She wasn't sure if she could talk about it. Howard asked her if she could stay off the coke. She said she'll be fine and she hasn't done any coke since rehab.
Howard said that Andrea was really loaded this morning and it was still very early. He told her that she shouldn't drink that much. She said she's just a drinker. She said that the room was spinning because she didn't have her glasses on. Levy said ''It's got nothing to do with the liquor huh?'' Howard said that Andrea is Miss Howard Stern and she will always be. She said that she's wants to keep that job even when they get the Miss Black Howard Stern. She said she will always be the original Miss Howard Stern.
Howard asked Andrea to walk a straight line in the studio. She attempted to do it and Howard said she did okay. He also asked her to count backwards from 100 but she got into a whole rambling speech about how she could show her body but she wants to get paid for it, unlike Britney Spears. Andrea said she would show her boobs if they gave her a thousand dollars. Howard said she doesn't have to do that since she's so inebriated right now. Andrea doesn't think that anyone can replace her as Miss Howard Stern. She's probably right. Howard said that Andrea did break the rules by getting married but she came back in and said that she did file for divorce yesterday so that will be over soon.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. Steve said they have a story about how Robin will be racing out in California in a celebrity race and the fans can bid to get into a car to race against her. Robin had no idea that was going on. Steve said that you can find out more at LongBeachGP.com. Steve also said that Jackie the Joke Man appears in a video on YouTube where he appears to be smoking a joint.
Steve said they will also have a story about how Ralph is considering hiring a personal assistant to help him out with his work load. Howard found that hard to believe and didn't think he could afford to do something like that. Artie figures that the assistant may actually be able to do a good job for Ralph and get some work done for him.
Steve wrapped up his news preview and then Jon Hein gave his Wrap Up Show preview. They'll be discussing the game they played today and a few of the other things that went on. Howard also pointed out that Jon told his daughter that he was spying on her. Jon said she already knew and didn't seem to care that much about it. She just wanted to go play according to Jon. Howard said he's glad that Jon did that and that he had said something to him about it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they should have Richard Christy's dad on the show more often. That led to Howard talking about how they looked into the hunting license thing for Artie and how he may not be able to hunt with a gun, but he would be able to use a bow and arrow. He had a felony conviction and if that has not been expunged from his record, he may not be able to shoot. Artie said he would do it even if he had to use a bow, he thinks it would be fun to go hunting with the guy.
another caller told Howard that the game they played today was good. He also asked if they were going to play Anal Ring Toss anytime soon. Howard asked Gary what the hold up was on that game. Gary said they wanted to do it with a celebrity playing. He also said the guy who does it has canceled on them a couple of times so that was another problem.
Ralph called in and told Howard that someone must have overheard him talking about getting someone to help him out with some menial tasks he just doesn't feel like doing. Ralph didn't want to get into it but Howard asked him to just give him some examples. Ralph ended up saying that he might give someone a couple hundred bucks a week to do this stuff for him. He said he's got a ton of things he needs to put on eBay but he doesn't want to do it himself. He said he wasn't even that serious about the whole thing, it was just an idea he had.
Howard let Ralph go and had Robin get to her news. Fred played Bob's awful news theme ''Big Tits Quivers'' to the tune of Sponge Bob Square Pants' theme song. Howard told him he's the worst song parody writer. Robin started her news but Howard interrupted and gave the Top 5 songs real quick. He also said he got a letter about Prince's guitar solo in Purple Rain which sounds a little similar to Journey's song ''Faithfully.'' Howard said he had to agree and played a couple of examples from the Journey song and the live performance at the Super Bowl.
Shuli came in during the news and told a story about Bob throwing up on stage at one of the shows they did out in Akron, Ohio. He said Bob was really drunk and this old lady was really into him when she came up on stage. He said the woman's lips kind of hung down really low and Bob was going to do his Blue Cheese bit. Shuli poured it in her ass and then Bob went in but came out really fast and then puked on stage after some prodding from the crowd. Howard gave Bob some plugs for his upcoming shows after hearing that disgusting story.
Howard played an audio clip during the news of someone yelling out some ''Baba Booey'' stuff during the Dion Sanders show while he was interviewing P. Diddy. Howard also said that the Howard TV guys handed him a note saying that they're sending a crew up to capture a Day in the Life of Big Foot next week.
Howard read some e-mail about George Takei's appearance on the TV show ''Heroes'' earlier this week. One person noticed that the license plate on his limo read ''NCC 1701'' which is a reference to Star Trek. Robin also said that ''Heroes'' is beating ''24'' these days. Howard said that's because it's a better show. Robin said he wouldn't know because he hasn't watched it since the first season. Howard said he didn't like it then and he doesn't like it now.
Late in the show Howard and Artie asked Bob Levy if he was able to spell prophet yet. By this time Bob was spelling it ''PROGHIT'' and he was spelling February ''FEBRURY.'' He was getting close, but not quite there. Howard spelled prophet for Bob and then asked him to spell it. Bob said he wasn't listening so he still couldn't do it. Artie said the spelling thing really bothers him and he really gets the feeling that he doesn't want to be near him anymore.
Zach said that Andrea is always comparing herself to Marilyn Monroe but he tells her that she's better than that. Zach was saying that she has a lot of stuff going on in her life and it all sounded pretty crazy to Howard. Howard thanked him for the call and wished him the best with the marriage. He was going to let him go but Artie was doing an impression of him which seemed to piss him off. Zach asked Artie if he wanted to see his bad side now.
Zach claims that he wasn't a superfan of hers like she was claiming earlier. Howard told him that he really has to talk to her about it, he really doesn't know what's going on. Zach said she was telling him that she might be staying up there in New York for a couple of months if she can get some work. Howard wished him luck with the marriage and let him go so Robin could finish her news.
Howard played an audio clip he got off the web where a black, female reporter confused Martin Lawrence for Eddie Murphy while interviewing him. She thought that he was in the new movie ''Norbit'' but Martin let her know that was his good friend Eddie Murphy.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:55am.
Howard started off the show talking about how that place is the only place you see a nun sitting next to a stripper. He said he was walking out the other day and there was a nun with the full outfit sitting out there with a stripper-type. It brings all people together. Robin said that sometimes there are nuns there who are out of their disguises and hard to identify.
Artie said they launched a Sinatra channel yesterday and he got caught up in the fun of that. He said he enjoys that stuff and whenever they launch a channel they have a party out there in the lobby. He was having some fun with that. Howard mentioned that Nancy Sinatra is going to be stopping by today. Artie continued talking about the great food they had out there for the Sinatra thing and he had a blast. He waited around while they set up and then went out and attacked the buffet.
Howard said it's a nightmare for him because he has to walk past the lobby to get out of there. He said they went through 300 back doors and a secret elevator to get out of there. There was a story about how XM used to have the Sinatra channel that was sanctioned by the Sinatra family. Nancy Sinatra bolted from there and came up to SIRIUS.
Howard kept going with the song but Robin told him to stop already. Howard said he loves that song so much. He said there's actually a Wallflowers karaoke version of that song so he found that and played the music. It was close to what he was singing along to. He told Robin he had some guys over fixing some equipment at his house and they caught him singing. He told them it was for work of course.
Howard said he knows he can't sing after Robin said that all of the people who can't sing on American Idol say that they have a unique sound. Artie talked about some stuff he's got on his iPod but Howard cut him off in the middle of it and asked the guys to let him know about the music special that's airing next weekend where they're going to feature a ton of the musical performances that they've had over the past 20 years. Gary came in and said that they have over 200 songs featured and it's going to start at 3 in the afternoon next Friday and run through the weekend. Gary said he heard some of that stuff and they learn a lot about what the guys on the show thought of some of the performers and stuff like that.
Gary said that Mark McGrath was telling a story about how they only had like 2 people in their audiences until they recorded Howard's ''Psychadellic Bee'' song hoping that would help them out. That got them enough of a buzz to keep them in the business. The band may not have gone on without Howard. Gary said they got a hold of Dave Grohl who said that he never thought about performing any of his songs acoustically until that infamous performance of ''Everlong'' and that led to the band rethinking their direction.
Gary said there are also performances that he forgot about like Traci Bonham who sang ''Mother, Mother.'' There was also Soul Coughing performing ''Super Bon Bon'' which was another great one. He said that Semisonic did a couple of performances that were great. Howard said they have it all put together in one big show and everyone has been waiting for this.
Howard said they're also putting together a special where they have The Billy West Years featured. He said he's really missed and he talked about how big of a fan he was of Billy's when he was on the show and he still doesn't know what went wrong. He wonders why Billy won't come on the show now that they're away from that old country. Gary said that Billy is taking baby steps toward getting back on the show. He was interviewed for the special but hasn't agreed to come on the show yet.
Gary said that Artie sounded like he was asleep during the taping of the music special. He answered questions like he was half asleep. Artie talked about how big of a fan of Billy West's he was when he was on the show. He never met the guy but he was a fan.
Artie said he was watching the Shawshank Redemption and they mention chess in the movie so he was thinking of Howard during that. They spent a minute on that before Howard got back to his bed story. He said he went home after going to dinner with his daughter. He put in Battlestar Galictica and said he loves that show. He said he's going to have a marathon this weekend where he catches up on the shows. He said he told his daughter that he wanted to sit in bed and watch that show all weekend but she wants to go shopping.
Howard wondered if he had a son, would he like Battlestar Galictica. He figured he would. He said that if he had to do his life over again, he would have learned chess and watched Battlestar Galictica the whole time.
Howard got a hold of a picture of Katherine McPhee's boyfriend and said he looks like an older guy. They figured he was in his mid-30s or early 40s. Artie read that he's 41 but Howard read he was 42. Katherine is only 22. Howard said he doesn't approve of robbing the cradle but he was being sarcastic since he has a girlfriend who is 19 years younger than him.
Artie had mentioned a live version of David Bowie's ''Heroes'' a little earlier and the guys pulled the song for Howard. He played the song but didn't like it at first. Then he said he loves that guy and it was good. Howard said it sounded like he was throwing it away but it was still good. Some of the lyrics were changed so Howard corrected him but Bowie was soon back on track. He said when David did one of his birthday shows, that was a great performance. He said he was going through a Nine Inch Nails type of sound at the time. He played the song a few seconds later. Howard said that performance made him really want to be in a band.
Howard said when he hears that David Bowie song ''I'm Afraid of Americans'' it makes him want to go get more tattoos. He's not sure why that is but that's what comes to him. Robin said she had a hard time getting David Bowie to do that birthday show. He didn't want to be interviewed by Howard. Howard was still listening to the song while they were talking about that stuff.
Artie wasn't sure if that Bowie performance was at one of those birthday shows outside of the studio. He said it was and before Artie got there they used to have huge birthday shows. He said they were always wild because you'd look out into the audience and see people like Crackhead Bob and Hank the Dwarf out there. Howard said that Bowie song is one of his favorites.
Trish called in and asked Howard which version of ''Heroes'' he liked best. She likes the Wallflowers version. Howard said he likes Bowie's and thought that he had performed it live on his show. The guys corrected him and said that he performed ''Fame'' not ''Heroes.'' Fred found that performance and played it for the guys. Trish asked for a tour of the studio so Howard agreed to set her up.
Bobo called in and said he was at that birthday show with David Bowie there and it was great. They had the Mayor and the Governor there as well as David Bowie. Howard said he put a stop to those shows because there was so much pressure to perform. Bobo asked if Howard is going to have one last birthday show before he retires. Howard said that he may hold a last blow-out show for the fans and that might happen when his contract is up in 4 years. He asked Robin if she thinks she could do the show longer than that. She wasn't sure but she didn't seem ready to give it up as quick as Howard does.
Howard talked about how Bobo has gone through probably 7 toupee's in the past few years. They talked about how goofy the whole toupee idea is. They mentioned some people like John Travolta and other celebrities have worn toupee's over the years.
Howard said it's apparently a big thing to screw in his studio. There was another guy who worked over there at K-Rock who fucked some girl on Howard's console. He said that's messed up. Artie said there was a guy who worked at Mets stadium who used to bang chicks out in the field because it was a great place to bring chicks.
Gary said that they're going to have this guy Steve Covino on the Wrap Up Show to talk about how he may have banged a couple of girls in the green room and even in the studio over there at K-Rock. Howard said that he asked Tom to lock up his studio after hearing rumors that Cabbie was doing something in there. He said that it was always a huge thing when he asked for stuff like that over there.
Gary said that they used to lock the office door over at K-Rock but then someone got a key and hid the key inside an On-Air light so anyone could get in their offices. Artie said that he used to get all freaked out if he just showed some family member the studio up there. He didn't know that people were just going in and fucking in there. Howard said that things were getting really ugly toward the end over there. They were taking tapes and stuff and just not respecting the show at all.
Howard said that when he got fired from NBC, they were so arrogant that they just brought in some guys to talk to take over for him. He said they thought that would entertain everyone and they didn't appreciate that it takes some talent to keep people tuned in. You have to have something going on and have to be entertaining.
Howard talked about how bad things were getting at K-Rock and how they were bleeping the shit out of his show toward the end. It didn't even have anything to do with the company really. He said that Tom was actually getting to the point where he was trying to change the words of their song parodies.
Artie said that when he got the call from his manager asking him if he wanted to take over for Howard, he thought that was nuts. He said to be able to host a show is something else and it was a joke that they were asking him to do it. Howard said he has no animosity toward CBS, NBC or any of them now. Then he said that he's still pissed about some of the stuff that went on over there. Gary said that management was thinking about buying Howard a gift and that got Robin freaked out because they hadn't gotten him anything in the 20 years before.
Gary and Robin said that they came to them two weeks before Howard's 20th anniversary there. Howard said that's all water under the bridge so he wants to just forget about that. Robin said she once thought about teaming up with someone else when she was down in Washington DC. She said she knew she'd be miserable and didn't sign on to do that.
Artie said that he lives in the hometown of Frank Sinatra's and they actually have a star in front of the spot where his house used to be. He said there are people who still sit there and play games by the star and you can't walk past that spot without bending over and touching the star and giving the sign of the cross. He said the guys will yell at you if you don't do that.
Howard said he had a couple of things to play. He had a clip that Dan the Song Parody Man created for Black History Month. In that bit he talks about George Washington Carver's inventions and then Robin's experimentation with Vegetables when she was growing up.
Howard played a voice mail from Crazy Alice who was talking about how she's been living like a Jew lately and also said that she still loves Fred. The guys talked about the Jew reference and how she meant that she had money in the bank now.
Howard said Crackhead Bob was on the Wrap Up Show yesterday and telling the guys how he explains how much money he needs. He counts up to 23 by saying ''Five, five, five, five and one, two, three.'' He can't just say ''twenty three.'' The guys spent a short time talking about that and wondered how he would have done that stuff before he got all stroked out from crack. Gary said that Crackhead Bob said he wasn't all that smart even before the stroke. They asked him about that and found out he wasn't that great with math even before the stroke.
Howard played another Wrap Up Show clip where the guys asked Sal some trivia questions and found out that he could have been one of the Slow Adults on the show. He was saying that there are 52 states and the last two added were Puerto Rico and Hawaii. Ralph called into that show and talked about getting an assistant and explained how well he's treated by Sam Simon's assistant. He was also saying that he wants to have an assistant to help him sell stuff on eBay.
Howard said that Imus is in the paper today because his guest Chris Matthews used the F-word. He said that's the only way Imus can get in the paper. He said that guy never talked on his show in the past but now that's all he does. He said it's so boring too. Robin said the guy always wears that goofy cowboy hat too. Howard said he knows a guy who ran into Imus at a coffee shop and he's been wearing really weird jeans that are split up the side or something.
Howard and Robin goofed on Imus and his cowboy hat for a short time. Artie said that he was trying to figure out how he's got advertisers to support his show. Howard said he used to claim that his audience had more money than audiences like Howard's did. Howard said that Imus gets a 1.6 rating but the station is afraid to pull him off because they'd probably end up with a 1.2 share like his old station has now. He said he didn't realize that he was the only one that could get high ratings on that station.
Howard said he played this clip yesterday late in the show. It was a clip of Dion Sanders talking to P. Diddy and a bunch of fans were yelling out ''Baba Booey'' while they were in the middle of the interview.
Howard also said that they dug up a clip where he mentions Bubba's name on the show after a caller tells him about something that Bubba said about him. At the time Howard asked why Bubba isn't on in more places if he's such a talented guy. Howard went off on Bubba saying that he's really nobody and he should just use his real name and not call himself Bubba the Love Sponge. Artie also chimed in and said that he was only on in Tampa like it was nothing.
Artie asked Howard what he would have thought if someone told him he was going to be at that guy's wedding. Howard said he would never have believed that. Howard said Bubba still doesn't believe that he didn't have any idea who he was back then.
A caller told Howard that he loves the show and he's looking forward to seeing Robin racing her car out in Long Beach, California. The caller was driving a truck and hauling containers across the country. That led to the guys talking about what might be in those containers.
Howard took a call from a cop in Detroit. He was saying that a woman asked him to take him up to his office to show him around and he ended up taking her back and banged her on his desk. He said she spread for him like an angel. Howard didn't know where he was going and thanked him for the call as he was going to commercial break.
Lisa said she called the restaurant that Howard claimed he never called. She said they grilled him on that and the guy said that they do get calls from celebrities. Howard said he doesn't want him mentioning his name or saying he called his restaurant. He said that he doesn't care about his food and doesn't want him sending anything up there like Lisa said he was willing to do.
Lisa said they have a sad story about Gene Lasker's 14 year old daughter passing away. They will have more on that today on the news. They asked that the fans hold on to their money and not send flowers. Howard said he feels awful for him. He said that ain't fun and those guys are all such fun loving guys. Howard didn't even know the guy had anything like that going on at home. He thanked Lisa for coming in and moved on after that.
Howard talked about how there are some places that will let you walk right up to the animals and bash them over the head with a baseball bag. Artie said that's kind of funny because Richard came up to him earlier and asked him if he was going to be able to go hunting or not. He has to make sure his felony charge has been expunged from his record.
Howard said they're going to find out who is the fattest guy on the show today. He wanted to get right into that. Artie was still eating his chocolate chippers. Howard said that they have Jason from the back office coming in. They also have Brian Phelan from Howard TV coming in. Brian is 6'3'' tall and a big boy according to Howard. Tim Sabean is also coming in and he's very tall according to Gary. Gary said that Tim has shirts that are too tight and they're all striped. Fred was playing elephant sounds as they were talking about these big guys.
Howard said Tim Sabean is in the gym constantly but he's still heavy. Jason has gained a lot of weight over the past year and he's depressed about it. Scott the Engineer is in the group and he has a big Santa belly. He might be as fat as Artie. Jon Hein has also put on a lot of weight so he's in the group. Gary said that Jon doesn't have a belly like the other guys do.
Howard said that Benjy is in the group and the fat guys are starting to look normal around there. He said Benjy looks smaller next to Artie and maybe half his size. Artie has a big neck and a big head now. Howard was having some problems with noise in the studio so he had Scott messing with the microphones. He thought it was the lights in the studio coming through the wireless mics.
Howard said he thinks that Artie will be the heaviest, then Brian Phelan. They also talked about how Benjy may be right up there as well. Benjy took his shirt off to show the guys what a mess he is. Artie said he may have to go the same route and take his shirt off. They were still having problems with the microphones in the studio so Howard was going a little crazy over that.
Artie took his shirt off and had people in the studio laughing. Howard said that the guys all had huge tits, like a girl. He said that Benjy looked like a girl but Artie's boobs weren't that big. He said that Benjy's whole body is completely off. Gary said that Artie looks like a guy who used to be in shape but Benjy looks like he's never been in shape. He also said that Benjy's chest has a rash on it. Benjy said he has sensitive skin and that's why he's got the rash. He asked Howard to take his shirt off. Howard showed the guys that he doesn't have titties like Benjy does.
Howard asked Jason to take his shirt off. Jason said he has a hairy back and warned the guys about that. He took his shirt off and said he was very embarrassed by the whole thing. Howard said that he could have a whole turtleneck sweater out of that hair. He said he thinks that Jason is heavier than Benjy after seeing that. Howard went with Artie, Jason then Benjy but he really couldn't tell. Howard said that Artie is the guy to beat right now.
Howard had Artie get on the scale first. He wondered if he was going to break 300 pounds. Artie hopped on and the scale shot up to 295 pounds. That was the benchmark to beat. Tim pulled down Artie's pants while he was up there. Howard got a laugh out of that. He had Benjy get up on the scale next. Benjy came in at 252 pounds. Gary said the question was if Jason would come in higher. He got on the scale and shot right up to 269 pounds! Artie was pissed that they didn't have a prize for this contest. Gary said they have a contest coming up next week where they're going to have a $20,000 prize for losing weight.
Howard had Tim get on the scale and he was up at 258 pounds. Brian got on next and was only 250 pounds. Scott the Engineer was up next and shot up to 268. Jon Hein was next and went up to 256! Howard was surprised by that. Artie said he has gained 95 pounds in the past year. That's a horrible statistic. Mike Gange was missing from the line up but that's only because he wasn't there today.
Howard asked Jason what he's eating. He said he must be eating the wrong stuff. He said that he belongs to a gym he doesn't go to. He's been trying to lose weight lately though and has lost 4 pounds in the past couple of weeks. Jason is bummed out because this is his birthday and he's on anti-depressants. He said he doesn't know why he's depressed and it gets hard to function every day. He said he was on these pills before and they helped but these haven't kicked in yet. He said it takes about 6 weeks to get into his system.
Gary said he never knew that Jason was depressed and he feels like a bad boss. Jason said he goes home and just stares at the TV. Jason said a couple of years ago he was feeling better when he was on the medication. When he gets sucked down into this depression he doesn't even want to leave his apartment.
Gary said that about 6 or 7 years ago he had a about with depression and he didn't want to be anywhere but home. He said he looks back on it and it really sucked for him. Gary said that he wakes up happy in the morning now and he looks forward to doing the show every day now. Howard wondered if he's depressed too. Robin said she knows that he is and it's not just being miserable.
Howard said he doesn't think about himself and he doesn't feel depressed. Artie said that's the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard. Howard explained that he doesn't question his mood, that's what he means. Howard said when he's inside Beth he's not depressed. Gary asked Howard if he has been prescribed any medication while going to his shrink. Howard said he's never done that and the Ambien he had was from his regular doctor. Howard said he thinks that it's human not to have any emotions. Robin went through some depression in her life as well and she knows what that's like. She enjoys her life now though.
Howard talked about the stuff he likes doing in his life. He likes playing chess, going to dinner, fucking Beth... He said he even enjoys going out to eat with his daughter. He said he also enjoys not looking like Jason. They talked to Jason about the drug he's on called Lexipro. He said that he had problems getting an erection the last time he was on it so that's why he got off of it. He said he's got some Viagra to help him out if that happens again.
Richard asked Howard if he wanted to see the guys doing some jumping jacks or something. Howard didn't want to see that at all. He thanked the guys for coming in and going through that whole thing. Artie wondered where his prize was since he won. Howard gave him a picture of an astronaut who was chasing down some dude. He said that she's actually pretty hot. Here's a list of the guys in order of heaviest to lightest...
Howard said he was looking at the astronaut chick and said he thought it was cool that she put on a diaper to go find this guy she was after. Robin said that those diapers are the same ones that the astronauts wear when they're preparing for take-off and landings in the space shuttle. Howard said he tried to pee in a diaper one time and it was really tough to do.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that there's no way Howard is depressed. Howard said he never said he was depressed, people tell him that he is depressed. The guy said that he's going to a job that he loves but Howard told him that he's really not into the job. He said there's no other job that he could do but he doesn't enjoy it. He doesn't think that he can enjoy any job and he will ruin the whole thing because he obsesses over it so much.
The phone caller Howard had on the line asked him to play a prank call they made to a guy by the name of Howard. The caller's name was Howard and he claimed to be the Howard that Howard was yelling at in the clips they used to make the prank call. Artie said that guy Howard calls them like once a day. They used those clips to call another Howard and had Howard yelling at this Howard who had no idea that they were goofing on him. Howard had to go to break after playing that call.
Howard read some e-mail about the Big Foot story where he said he was overdosing and crashed his car. The Howard TV guys are working on a special about Big Foot as well. Howard read some mail about Eric the Midget's demands to be roasted. Howard got Eric on the phone and told him that people really don't want to hear him roasted. Eric said he wants them to do it anyway. Howard read him some of the mail they got about that subject.
Eric stopped Howard and said that he agreed to do the balloon stunt back in December and didn't demand anything to do it. The reason it's not being done is because of Howard. Howard said that some people think he's worried about getting criticized about roasting Eric but that's not what it is. He just knows that it's not going to work. Artie said that they should have some fun loving aspect to the roast but that isn't going to happen with Eric. It would be too sad to roast Eric and it would be very tough to roast the guy.
Howard told Eric there will be no roast. Eric said ''ROAST ME!'' and told Howard that he's chicken shit for not doing it. Howard told him that was no problem that he called him names like that. Eric said that they're discriminating against him by not roasting him. Eric said that it would be funny if they roasted him and told Howard he's a jackass. Howard said that Eric doesn't make anyone laugh, he makes people sick. Eric told Howard he doesn't think he's got a good show yet he listens to it all the time.
Robin asked Eric if he listens to the show. Eric said he does listen but the show is not good. They asked him why he listens if he doesn't like it. Eric said maybe he wants to. He'd like to hear a bunch of dumbasses try to be funny when they're really not. Eric said he likes some of the celebrity interviews.
Fred asked Eric who does a good radio show. Eric said ''Seacrest'' does. Howard asked him why he doesn't call his show then. Eric said he can't get the show where he lives. Howard thanked Eric for the call and let him go. Eric called him a dumbass as he was getting off the line.
Howard said that Brent wanted to talk to him about why people don't want to sit with him. Brent and his wife sat with Howard at the wedding down in Florida but he has a theory. Brent said that Ronnie the Limo Driver pulls everyone away from Howard, that's why he doesn't have any friends with him. Brent said he walked past Ronnie and Ronnie ended up shuffling a bunch of people out of the restaurant telling them that Howard was having a quiet dinner and didn't want to be bothered. Howard said he went to Florida to hang with people and he doesn't want him doing that stuff.
Brent said that he was having a conversation with Howard about work and stuff while Ronnie was getting Bubba all worked up. Ronnie said that he doesn't tell anyone to stay away from Howard and he can't take this stuff anymore. He said that Brent came in to say hello and he didn't tell him to leave. Brent wanted to finish his story. Ronnie said he wasn't going to take this crap anymore and he's done. He was about to walk out but Howard told him he was a pussy. Ronnie was upset that they were doing this stuff and didn't want to stick around to hear it.
Ronnie said that Brent was drunk that night down in Tampa but Brent said it was Thursday night and he hadn't started drinking yet. Brent went on to say that Ronnie got Bubba all flipped out that night and Bubba told Amanda to pull Brent away from the conversation he was having with Howard because of that. Brent said she wanted to go hide and not interrupt the conversation.
Howard said he didn't realize that it was Ronnie who was keeping people from him. Ronnie said he won't be there then. Howard said he was taking that as if he didn't want to go on road trips anymore. Ronnie said he never said that and he was tired of taking this shit. He told Brent to go fuck himself. Ronnie said he's tired of getting beat up over this shit. Howard thought Artie had fallen asleep during that argument. Artie said he didn't have anything to say so he just shut his eyes for a few seconds. He was crashing from all the sugar he loaded up on earlier in the morning.
Artie said that he's never seen Ronnie get so angry before. Howard told Brent that he was very happy that he was visiting with him down there. Brent said he felt bad that his wife had to pull him away from the conversation. Howard said he was glad that he was talking to Brent because Gary was so boring. Brent said he was glad he let him know about this. Ronnie told Brent to worry about his own show and leave him alone already.
Ronnie told Brent that he can tell how jealous he is of Spice Boy and how he doesn't call in to point that out on the show. Brent said he's not jealous and he's worked with him for 10 years. Howard said he was sitting there stunned that it was Ronnie who may have kept his friends away for all these years. Ronnie said that he's a fan of Bubba's show and that's how he knows that Brent is jealous of Spice Boy.
Ronnie admitted that he may have asked Bubba to get Brent out of that conversation he was in with Howard. He said he was told that Brent was talking conspiracy theories and stuff so he asked him to get him out of there. Howard said Ronnie shouldn't worry about what he does with Brent. Ronnie told Brent to think about shaving that thing off his face because he looks like shit. Brent told Ronnie to get that panther off his arm and he'll cut his facial hair off. Brent said they have a name for that tattoo that Ronnie has because a bunch of rednecks down in their area get the same thing. They call it the Penellas Park Panther. Howard talked about all of the other tattoos that Ronnie has on his body and goofed on him about that stuff.
Howard figures that Ronnie really likes animals. Ronnie said he does like animals because humans can be such liars and two faced. Howard said he paid for Ronnie's first tattoo. He said that Ronnie wanted a shark and suggested that they have a baby head inside the mouth. Ronnie claims that Howard came up with the baby head thing and he asked for the bones. Howard goofed on that tattoo as well. He talked about all of the little details he had put in so his mole would fit in with the tattoo. It's worked into the beach scene on his arm.
Brent talked a little bit about Gene Lasker's daughter dying and how tough that has been on him for years. He said that the daughter was disabled and had all kinds of medical problems in her life. Howard said they can't make fun of Ronnie now that he brought up the Lasker thing. He told Ronnie to call Brent and thank him for pointing out this stuff today. Ronnie gave Brent a ''fuck you'' as he was leaving the studio.
Howard said that they have a new Sinatra channel there on SIRIUS. They used to be on XM but they ran right over to SIRIUS as soon as they could. Nancy said that they are very nice there at SIRIUS and Howard is there as swell so they're very happy to be there. Nancy said she brought in a Frank Sinatra tie for him. Howard asked if he had painted the tie himself. Nancy said he hadn't so Howard was ready to throw it right in the garbage. He said he was kidding though.
Howard said that it must have been tough having Frank as her father. She said that he was really a great guy and he loved her from the get go. Howard thought she hated him for a long time because her mom got dumped by Frank. She said she didn't hate him. She said she missed seeing him when he was on the road. He would take them on trips and stuff so she did get to spend a lot of time with him and even with people like Eva Gardner.
Howard asked Nancy if she ever saw her father's genitals. She said she did see them when she was maybe 8 or 9 years old and it looked big to her. Howard figured it looked big because she was so young. She said he was walking from the shower to the closet or something when she saw him. She said it didn't traumatize her at all. Howard said it traumatized him when he saw his mother naked. She had a full bush and it was disturbing.
Howard thought that Frank was very upset about Nancy appearing in Playboy years ago but she said that wasn't true either. Howard asked Nancy if she was dating Phil Spector right before he allegedly shot that broad. Nancy said that they were good friends but they haven't spoken since that shooting incident. She said she told him that her mother told her that it could have been her and he hasn't spoken to her since then. She said they weren't really dating, they went out to Lakers games and stuff.
Howard asked Nancy about her brother storming out of there the other day. Gary said that he was upset about the release and how he didn't want to sign it. It turns out he read that they had the right to search him and he flipped out over that. Nancy said he was having a hard time because he was going through a prostate cancer thing and he may have been strung out from that. Gary said that his parents used to go see Frank performing a lot. He said that his father said he thought that Frank Jr. and Sr. were always goofing on each other on stage all the time.
Howard asked Nancy about owning the rights to the Sinatra music and stuff. She said that they do own a lot of it, not all of it. They will be playing all of that old stuff on their new channel there at SIRIUS. Howard asked Nancy if her mother got more money than the kids did in Frank's will. She said that she did get a lot of money and the kids didn't get all that much. She said that they got the rights to his name and likeness because he knew that they would take care of that stuff.
Howard asked Nancy what she thinks of Jessica Simpson doing the remake of ''These Boots Are Made For Walking.'' She said she thought it was very cute. Howard said he thought it sucked. He played the song and asked her if she thinks that's really singing. Nancy said Jessica has a great voice if she would just use it. She said that Jessica asked to use the bass line in that song. She said it was fine with her but she had to ask the bass player if she actually used it. They actually did that and paid the guy for using it.
Howard said that Jason's mother told him to bring home anything that Nancy may have touched. Howard gave her a plug for the Sinatra channel which is going to be on channel 105 starting in April sometime. Howard also gave her a plug for her web site NancySinatra.com.
Howard was going to have Nancy try to guess if he was playing a Frank Sinatra song or an impersonator's song. Nancy ended up talking about other things though. She said she's been dating a guy for about 4 years now and she's not sure if she wants to marry. She said she would like a man in her life but not living in the same house. Howard asked if he could bang her tonight and not have to deal with any jealousy. She laughed at that.
Howard finally got to the tune he wanted to play. He played the song and Nancy immediately said it wasn't Frank. She was right. Robin thought the guy was pretty good. Howard played another one and she thought it was her father. Howard said it was actually Brian Dupree. Howard played another couple of songs and had the guys guessing. They were getting some right and some wrong of course.
Howard talked to Nancy about how her father's train collection was sold before they could donate it to the Smithsonian. Howard took a call from Vinnie Favale who was calling in from the bus. He said he would be honored if she sang one of his songs. Howard told him to contact her if he wanted to ask her to do that. Vinnie said that he's serious but it might not sound like it since he's on the bus. Howard had Fred look for Vinnie's song that Robert Goulet sang one time. He told Vinnie they'd play that for her if they could find it. Howard cut Vinnie off before he could get out another line.
Ralph called in and told Nancy that Frank really was great and asked her if they just put out anything or if they're very careful about what they put out. Ralph and Artie talked about how great they thought Frank was and Artie actually got to see him perform live one time. Ralph never did get to do that. They talked about all of the whores that Frank used to get to bang. Robin didn't think that it was right to refer to them like that. Nancy said she's heard it all before.
The guys talked about how the character Johnny Fontaine in The Godfather was supposed to have been Frank. Nancy said that she spoke to Mario Fuzzo who told her that he didn't actually use Frank as the inspiration for that part. Howard asked Nancy if she ever got to see Sammy Davis Jr. without his fake eye in. She never did see that. Howard took some more phone calls and one guy told her how great her spread in Playboy was. He asked her what kind of panties she was wearing. She said she was wearing a blue thong. The guy also asked her how she keeps her bush. She said she keeps it trimmed thanks to Howard's advice. It's too much trouble though.
Another phone caller asked Nancy to ride the Sybian. She said she knew that was coming but Artie defended her and said he's not going to allow this line of questioning. Howard had Sour Shoes on the line who wanted to do a musical tribute to Frank. Sour Shoes sang a little Frank stuff but changed the lyrics.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Nancy if she's going to be telling some inside stories about Frank on her show. Howard told the guy they're going to have a lot of that stuff. The caller also asked if they could play that song parody ''Strangers on my Flight.'' Nancy didn't want to hear that because they should have gotten over it by now. Artie said that one time Frank was asked how he felt about Charles Manson saying he was going to kill celebrities like him. Frank just said ''Let 'em out.'' He said that ended the whole conversation on that interview show. Artie also told Nancy that he lives in Hoboken and told her about the star he has to kiss and do the sign of the cross for that he had mentioned earlier in the show.
Howard wrapped up with Nancy and said they're excited that Nancy was there and they're bringing the Sinatra channel there. He went to break a short time later.
Howard got Mike Walker on the line and talked to him about the news report he had just played since it was from out in California. Howard had Mike get into his game a short time later but said he really needs a theme song. Fred pulled out the Adams Family song with Mike's fart in it. Mike got right into his game after that so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Steve got to his stories and said that the web site ArtiesOnDrugs.com has suspended operations for now since Artie appears not to be on drugs. They will be back if Artie does come back to drugs. Steve also said that they will have an interview with Tabitha Stevens about the sex movie that was shot up at K-Rock. She claims that she didn't have sex in Howard's studio but there was some of that stuff going on. They ended up talking about how Cabbie posted a picture of him in Howard's studio with Ron Jeremy holding that OJ mask. In the picture Ron has his penis in the OJ mask's mouth.
Steve said that High Pitch Eric has been threatening to kill Eddie the Produce guy on SternFanNetwork. They will also have a new Page 69 segment about how Scott the Engineer tried to high jack a guitar that Leslie West was going to give Howard. Howard had an audio clip where Scott was recording the interview between Jon and Leslie West. Scott did sound like he was kind of asking for the guitar but Scott claims he didn't ask for it outright.
Steve got in a plug for tonight's Superfan Roundtable which airs at 7pm on Howard 101. Howard then moved on to Jon Hein who gave a quick rundown of what they'd be covering today on The Wrap Up Show. They ended up talking about Nancy Sinatra and Howard was saying that he really couldn't care less about Frank Sinatra. He doesn't understand that music and would rather just hear rock and roll. He said he's not moved by that music, he's moved by Bowie's ''Heroes.'' he said that the Sinatra music is like wallpaper to him and it doesn't move him one bit. Robin said that he just doesn't understand how great he really was.
Howard said that Nancy couldn't even tell her father's music from an impersonator. While Robin was telling Howard how great he was, she put her hand up to her face and Howard noticed she had a lot of bling on her hand. She said that some of the rings and stuff like that weren't all that expensive. Gary then came in and asked if there are any Sinatra songs he likes. Howard said there's really nothing. He said he hates that stuff and would rather hear Justin Timberlake. Robin said she could listen to that all day long. Gary said that he thinks that there are some really great songs that he could put together on a CD. Howard doesn't care about it. Artie said it represents a great generation of people. He said that's what people were listening to when they were getting rid of Hitler.
Howard had Jon Hein get back to his update. Jon went through a few more stories that they'll be covering today on the Wrap Up Show. He mentioned that Steve Covino will be talking about how easy it was to get into his old studio. Howard said that's really depressing. Artie said that this kid didn't really know Howard but Howard feels like these people were fucking him over by fucking in his studio. He said that anyone who has to go into a studio like that to have sex is a homo.
Mutt from Superfan Roundtable called in with his show preview. He went through a few things they'll be talking about tonight. He told Howard that the OJ mask in that picture that Cabbie sent in was actually on a girl. Howard said the one they were looking at was just the mask. Howard said that Ron Jeremy has an awful physique and it's so disturbing. He said a woman having sex with him would be like him having sex with some heinous chick... Someone even worse than Blue Iris. Artie said that Ron is a really nice guy but he really has an aura of creepiness around him.
Howard read a story about how Katie Couric's news ratings have been awful lately. He said no one gives a shit that she's reading the news. if they want to go with a hot chick angle, they should go with a young, hot chick. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Beth was out at a Fashion show the other night and they had her all dolled up and looking so ridiculous. He said they had glitter all over her with yellow eye make up and Beth thought that they made her look awful.
Sour Shoes called in and did his Scott Ferrall impression and it was amazingly similar to the real guy. Howard asked him some questions and Sour Shoes rambled on and on just like the real Scott does. Howard said he heard that Sour Shoes actually did sit in for Scott and it didn't work out so well. ''Scott'' said that the guy was probably nervous out of his mind and didn't know what to do. Artie asked ''Scott'' some questions and Sour Shoes was able to ramble on and on just like Scott would do. Artie seemed very amused by the whole thing. He was laughing as Sour Shoes was talking about the same kind of shit that Scott would.
Howard told Sour Shoes that it was a great impression. Gary told Howard that he heard he can do a great Captain Janks impression. He did a little bit of that but it wasn't quite as good as the other. Sour Shoes also did a little Artie impression that was actually pretty good. Howard told him to stick to the Scott Ferrall impression because that was the best. Howard said that Sour Shoes is actually going to be hosting a show on Valentine's Day on Howard 101.
Howard and the guys ended up talking about Benjy and his sweat after Robin read a story about how women prefer the smell of a man's sweat. Artie and Fred talked about how disgusting Benjy can be sometimes. They talked about how he will use a piece of paper to wipe himself down after he runs to the studio in the morning, in the summer. Howard noticed that Benjy's headphones had ''Benjamin Bronk'' written on them. He thought that was kind of funny but Benjy said he's got a great name and it's better than Howard Stern.
Howard said he'd like to have a Benjy cam or a Fred cam on his web site so people could just tune in and watch what they do back there. Benjy told Howard to look at both his and Artie's desks to see whose was the more disgusting one. Howard wanted to see Benjy's chest again because he looked so disgusting earlier in the morning. Benjy said he didn't have any pimples on his chest like Robin and Howard were saying.
Howard told Benjy to pull up his shirt. He did that and the guys were pointing out all of the weird stuff that he's got going on. He's got rolls of fat, strange marks and some other crap going on. Benjy ended up stripping down naked for the guys. Howard wanted to move on and get through the rest of the show. He turned off his microphone but Artie didn't want to sit there next to a naked Benjy. Howard and Robin told him to go sit on the couch then.
Fred was laughing at Benjy sitting there and said that his boobs just kind of meld into his belly. Robin said Artie had a bizarre look on his face while sitting there next to Benjy. Artie wondered what other face he could put on next to that. Howard said that the Howard TV guys were putting together that camera for them so people will be able to watch Benjy back there. Artie said he really likes Benjy but he really is one of the most disgusting guys he knows. Howard said that Benjy's boobs were jiggling as he was writing his jokes over there. Artie said he now knows that his balls jiggle too.
Robin wrapped up her news and howard ended the show at around 11:00am.
Howard started off the show talking about all of the possibilities they have when they do the show. He said today they plan on spanking a woman with a fish. Tomorrow they have Brian Wilson coming in. Gary Busey will be stopping by later on this morning. He spent a minute talking about how Busey just became Born Again. He said the guy almost died a couple of years back when he overdosed on cocaine. He also kept people from drinking at his wedding because he had stopped drinking himself. He said he should be a good interview though. Howard said that Gary's son is in acting now and he looks just like his father.
Howard said that Drew Barrymore has blown them off to do the show and he's not sure that she's that famous that she can blow off his show like that. Gary said that she's never done the show and he's not even sure what she's that famous for. She hasn't done anything to get that kind of notoriety. Gary remembered that they did ask her if she told Stuttering john that their show as disgusting.
Robin saw her name listed in the credits for a movie and they had it in huge letters like something big was going to happen when it appeared. Howard said he wanted something big like that when he made his movie but Ivan Reitman didn't see the humor in it. Howard said he was running out of time already and wanted to stay on schedule. He wanted to come up with something to call her but they didn't really have much of anything.
Howard and the guys remembered seeing Drew Barrymore on the Garry Shandling show one time. That led to them talking about how Gary picked up Calista Flockhart from Ally McBeal and going out with her in a car. Howard said he thinks that she's way too cute for him and he should be the one picking her up, not Garry Shandling. Howard went to his first break a short time after that.
The caller asked Howard if he wanted to talk to his cousin. He tried putting her on the phone but she refused to talk. Howard told her she'd better get on the phone if she wants to have sex with her cousin. The guy started making weird noises so Howard hung up on him.
King of All Blacks called in and said he had a dream about him last night. King told Howard that going to a therapist is a waste of money and they're just going to try to make him feel bad for being smart. Howard laughed and let him continue. King said that they will tell him all of the stuff he does wrong while it's actually right. He said that Robin and Howard were both born with something that other people don't have. He was talking about common sense.
King said that Howard can't get along with people in the regular world so that's why he's got this special common sense. He also told Howard that when he was on the Magic Johnson show, it was the best. He said his mother was laughing and said it was the funniest thing when he was talking to Magic about putting lotion on his ashy elbows. Howard let King go a short time later.
Howard saw that he had another caller who suggested that they call Drew by her mother's name, Jaid, and really freak her out. The guy also told Howard that some guy was going to beat his ass. The guy started promoting the Curtis Sliwa show and said he loves that guy. He said that Art Bell was trying to come in and replace him. Howard said that means that he must suck if they're getting Art Bell in there to replace him.
Howard went to a caller who had some audio from the Larry King Show where Larry and Charlie Rose were talking about Larry's many marriages. The guy played the audio for Howard so they spent a short time talking about Larry's many marriages. He's been married 8 times according to Robin. Howard told the guy to stay on the line because he had an article to read about Larry.
Howard found this article where Ben Stein writes about his run-in with Larry King at an airport. He said that Larry rolled up with a sad looking younger woman. Ben described Larry as looking very unhappy with his young, sad looking wife. Stein said that Larry looked like he was upset about something and got himself boarded on the plane ahead of everyone else. Howard said that they will let celebrities board after everyone else but Larry has to get on first.
Howard continued to read the story and Ben Stein claimed that Larry screwed up the cleaning schedule when he demanded to board the plane. The flight attendant on the plane later told Ben that the cleaning schedule had thrown off the flight. Ben also said that Larry was blocking the bathroom door up near the cockpit while he was talking to the pilots. He refused to even acknowledge that he was trying to open the door. Howard continued the story and read that Stein had seen Larry get off the plane first and he took a mobile lounge which drove him off.
Melrose Larry Green called in to play some audio clips for them. He said there were a couple of people who died this week including Robert Young and Alan Sheppard. They spent a minute talking about that and then had Melrose play the audio he had. Howard goofed on Larry for a short time when he brought up the column that Larry writes where he just throws in a bunch of non-sequiturs. He made up a bunch of his own which sounded like something Larry would write.
Melrose went to the tape he had. In the clip Larry asks his guest, Don Imus, what he thinks about his competition, Howard Stern. Howard said that he has no competition and no one comes close to beating him based on the number of listeners he has with so few radio stations. He said that Imus beats no one. Howard and Robin got pissed before the answer even came out so they had to have Melrose rewind. Imus says that Howard has to have at least twice the listeners he does and that he can be funny. Imus said that Howard can be funny, he doesn't really think that Howard likes him though.
Howard went off on Imus saying that he's just a rip-off of him and a bad one at that. There are many others who are better at ripping him off. He said that guy Brother Wease up in Rochester was so good it took him a couple of years to beat him. Howard said the industry sucks and he doesn't trust anyone. Everyone sucks. He hung up on Melrose a short time later and that made Jackie laugh. Howard said he did that just for Jackie because he loves when he does that.
Howard said he did himself once and then passed out asleep. Then he was up at 3 in the morning again so he had to do it again to get back to sleep. He said he had some red satin shorts that he wore as underwear. He dropped them down to his ankles and started feeling his own legs. He said that makes him feel powerful and he feels excited. Then he touches the side of his butt and pretends that it's a girl touching him there. After that he spreads his legs wide to show the freedom he has. He did all of this at 3 in the morning. He told the guys he bends his knees. Then he got on the floor and demonstrated what he does.
Gary asked Howard about that whole ritual and asked if that's some kind of fantasy he has. Howard said he does have some girls that he goes to quickly to get himself done. He has an Amy Lynn fantasy that helps him finish in about 2 seconds. He also said that no one ever says no in those fantasies either.
Gary told Howard that this penis measuring thing is going to take three measurements. He said that's what they suggest in the instructions. He said they tell you exactly how to measure and they have a pie chart that shows what level you're at. Gary asked him if he thinks he's 5 inches or less. Howard said he thinks he's about 5 so Gary told him that there are about 7.5 percent of the population is that size or smaller. He said that there are about 25 percent who are at 6 inches. Then there are 10 percent who are 9 inches.
Howard said they'll be doing the measuring later on this morning. Howard said he won't lie about his size either. Gary said that if you're big unexcited, you won't be much bigger when excited. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard asked Tom what he does like and said he should come in and tell him what they can do. He called Tom a dick head and a dick and said he could do a lame show like everyone else but he doesn't want to. He said they should measure dick head's head today. He told Tom to keep his opinion to himself and leave him alone.
Chaunce Hayden called in and said that Bob McAllister was another guy who died that they forgot to mention. They spent a minute talking about that and then Gary came in so Howard yelled at him not to tell him anything that Tom says anymore. He told him that Tom is an idiot and he doesn't want to hear anything about that guy from now on.
Gary came in to talk about Bob McAllister and how he had called into the show one time. He told Howard about that time but Howard was still on the Tom Chiusano thing. He was goofing on Tom about the crap that he likes to hear on the air. He brought up the Greaseman disaster that Tom had to do with. Chaunce wanted to talk more about that Bob McCallister guy but Howard didn't care about him. The guy was the host of a children's show and that meant nothing according to Howard. They did talk a little more about him even though Howard didn't want to.
Howard got back to Chaunce and asked him what else he had to talk about. Chaunce said he wrote a column about Scores and he was over there for the first time since that. He said that the girls have been walking around in lingerie lately and he thinks it's even better than it was before. They had a new rule about what the women could wear in the clubs and that's why they were in lingerie. He also said that Gary Busey was in the champagne room last night. Howard said he thought he was Born Again. Chaunce said he sure wasn't born again last night.
Howard said they got a huge fish to beat the woman with. They didn't have it in the studio because it was on ice stinking up another room. The guys brought in the fish and said they actually had a few different sizes to use. They pulled out the biggest one and it was so big Howard didn't think he could beat her with it. They had a smaller flounder that he figured he'd use. Gary told him he's got to try the huge fish too. Howard said he'll give that a try.
Howard took a couple of phone calls to kill some time before the girl came in. One guy said that he's not sure what Gary's value is on the show. The guy seemed to be a little bit out of it so Howard asked him if he was drunk. The guy ended up cursing a couple of times. Howard found out the guy was drunk and asked him what he drank. The guy said he had some malt liquor. He didn't take any drugs but said he wished he did. The guy said he was ''two ages'' away from Howard's age and he's still living with his mother. The guy talked about how he's not having fun doing it but Howard hung up on him and said he didn't care.
Howard took a call from a former intern by the name of Chris who told him about Jackie kind of molesting him at a softball game one time. He said that he had cupped his crotch and ass when they were having their picture taken. Howard said he had a feeling that Jackie was kind of gay. Chris said it was like he was wearing a ''Jackie thong.'' Howard said Jackie has done that with their intern KC as well. He was seen chasing him around like he was hot for him.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who said that he had some advice for the fish beating thing. The guy said that he worked at a place where they beat each other with fish as an initiation type thing. He said you have to grab the flounder right around the head. Howard was going to grab it by the tail so the guy told him to use the head because you can get a better grip. Howard said he was going to take a break and get right to that whole thing.
Ian wouldn't let Howard get in a word so Howard cut him off and tried to get more details. He asked Ian if he was right in saying that he had heard that the best lawyer was this Susan Thomasis. Ian said that is what he heard. He then saw a picture of her in the paper and thought that she didn't look like the best so he called her up and told her what he thought of her. Howard said he can't imagine having this guy calling him like that. Ian continued to mumble and ramble on the phone as Howard and Robin talked over him and tried to figure out what had gone on.
Howard asked Ian what kind of threats he made. Ian said he didn't make any threats at all. He said it doesn't matter to him at all. Robin asked Ian what it was he wanted to clear up with them. Ian didn't answer the question and said that he doesn't know how that woman can call the secret service. Howard and Robin told him that she's Hillary Clinton's friend, that's how she got to call the Secret Service. Howard told him he really had to get going but Ian continued to ramble.
Ian kept talking so Howard said they should just beat the woman with the fish. Ian wasn't hearing a thing and continued to talk even though Howard and the guys were ignoring him. Gary told Howard that if he just said a word every few minutes, Ian would continue to ramble. Ian cursed so Howard told him he can't use the F-word on the air. Howard let Ian keep talking but said he was going to hang up on him. He did that and then had Karen come in to get beaten.
Karen said she had to go change into a tampon because she was wearing a pad today. She wanted to see Howard's eyes behind his sunglasses but he told her that he makes the rules. A few seconds later he took them off to show her his eyes. Karen said that she wants to be an actress or a singer but Howard didn't want to hear it. He told her that she had to go get changed so he could do the fish beating thing. Gary said he didn't know she needed to change, otherwise he would have had her do it earlier.
Howard asked Karen about how many kids she's got and found out she's got four. Gary said when KC calls her it sounds like complete bedlam there. Karen went on to talk about some of the problems she has with her body and with her kids but no one wanted to hear that. Howard said this wasn't ''Queen for a Day'' and he was still going to beat her with the fish. They talked about her problems with being bi-polar and about the drugs she's on to keep her stable. Karen said that she's had a lot of problems in her life and no one believes it. She had problems with her eye sight and had operations to fix that.
Gary said that before she got there he thought she was going to be a hot chick getting beaten with a fish but now it's not as much fun as he thought it was going to be. Howard asked her about the phone sex job she has and asked her how much she makes. She said it's about $400 a week. Howard said her voice isn't even that good. She said that's because she'd just getting over bronchitis. Howard couldn't believe how many things she had wrong with her. She kept cursing too so Howard told her she's got to stop with that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him to just slap this bitch with a fish already. He thought that she was lying about some of this stuff. Karen said she wasn't but Howard told her that she might be one of the most annoying women in the world. He told her to go fix her tampon and get back in there so he can beat her with the fish.
Gary said that there was no garbage pail in the room she was in so they had to drag her out to another bathroom. Gary was going to take her out but he did see that she was okay. Howard said she was in his bathroom and she probably has crabs big enough to steal the soap out of there. He said he's going to beat her with that fish and beat the bi-polar right out of her kid.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that this whole thing is ridiculous. She said that a 4 year old is bi-polar and there is something else wrong with the child. Howard said the woman is probably such a mess that she screwed the kid up somehow. Howard wanted to know where Karen was. She still hadn't come out of the bathroom. She came out a short time later and said that she's brought her daughter to a few specialists and they all suggested that she could be bi-polar. Karen gave out the names of the doctors who helped her and said she actually took her daughter off the medications that they had prescribed for her.
Howard took another call from a woman who asked if Karen could be an actress. Howard said that she's not a bad looking woman. The caller said that no one has ever made it by getting beaten with a fish. Howard asked Karen to lift up her dress so he could see her ass. She had a big caboose according to Howard. He told the guys to get out the biggest fish for him. Howard said it was time for that beating so he headed over to where she was to do that.
Karen was going to be singing during the beating to prove she can sing. She was going to sing some ''Hotel California'' for them. Howard said he was in the remote area and showed Karen the fish he was going to beat her with. Howard told her to show him her ass so he could do this whole thing. He wanted to see her big ass. She was having some trouble getting into position and Howard said that maybe she needed a bath. He claimed he was talking about the fish but Karen started to walk out. She was going to leave but Gary tried to convince her to come back and finish the whole thing.
Karen said she didn't want to be humiliated on TV. Howard told her it wasn't humiliation, he was going to beat her with a fish while she sang, what's humiliating about that? They eventually convinced her to stay. Jackie went over to help Howard out with his microphone while he beat her. Howard started to slap her with the fish a short time later. The slapping sound came over clearly as Karen tried singing Hotel California. The fish head got all bloody so Howard switched to the flounder.
Howard told Karen to keep singing and tried to hit her with the flounder. Jackie was gagging and the guts of the fish were dripping down Karen's leg. Howard tried hitting her with the third fish but that didn't last too long. He told her to show Robin her butt which was covered in fish entrails. Howard said that was disgusting and he had never done something like that before.
Karen was embarrassed by the whole thing. Howard told her she had nothing to be embarrassed by. Karen said she couldn't believe she did that. Howard told her to forget the bobbing for tampons thing. He wasn't even going to go there. Howard told her she deserved to sing a song for them after going through that. His hand was hurting after going through that. Robin said it was disgusting when the guts started coming out all over her.
Howard told Karen to sing a little bit for them so they could hear how she could sing. She didn't know what to sing so Howard gave her a break and took some phone calls. One woman called in and said that she thought about letting Howard beat her with some stuff if they wanted. She thinks that she's a little more stable than Karen was. Howard thought she sounded a little older. The woman said she was only 35. Howard told her to come in then.
Howard got back to Karen and told her to go ahead and sing. She tried the ''Hotel California'' thing again. She didn't have any music to back her up. She sang the song and Howard gave her some advice about the way she was singing. He wanted to beat her with the fish again after hearing her sing for a short time. He said he should have hit her with a whale after that. Howard wrapped up with Karen a short time later and went to commercial break.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who brought up Gary Busey and spent a short time talking about him. Howard spent a short time on that subject and then the caller brought up Kathie Lee but his ideas didn't go over very well so Howard hung up on him.
Howard had the guys bring in Gary Busey. He said he had a lot of stories to tell about him. Gary came in a short time later and shook Howard's hand so hard he thought it was going to break. Gary was on mic and yelling. Howard said they're going to have a special on E! about Gary's life. Howard wondered if this was the Born Again Gary that he was talking to. Gary said he wasn't really born again but after he overdosed he went to rehab and decided to turn his life back over to God. Howard said he heard he was at Scores last night but Gary wondered who told that story. Howard decided to move on instead of staying on that subject.
Gary asked Howard why they call New York City the Big Apple. Howard said it's because there are a lot of fruits living there. He went through the history of Gary's life and how he ended up getting into a motorcycle accident. Gary said he crashed the motorcycle and hit his head on a curb. He wasn't wearing a helmet at the time and eventually came out and said that he didn't think people should have to wear them. He said he was kind of manipulated by some people and he's really for people wearing them.
Gary told Howard that he still has problems with short term memory and forgets where he puts his keys and stuff sometimes. Howard asked him if he knew his name. Gary thought for a second and said he knew it was Howard Stern. Gary ended up telling Howard about how he had an out of body experience after his crash. it wasn't his first one though. Howard wanted to hold off on that for a few minutes. He asked Gary about the helmet thing and went through that story again.
Howard asked Gary if it was true that he had slept with Kinsion's wife. Gary said he didn't know where he got his stupid information but that was wrong. Gary said something about Howard liking to put salt on his ass and going to petting zoos. Howard didn't have any idea what he was talking about.
Howard and Gary talked about the first time they met back when Howard was doing his Channel 9 show. They did a bit called the ''Head Injury Club for Men.'' Howard told the details of that story and how they came up with the whole idea. Gary came in and had no idea what he was in for. He was the biggest guest that they'd ever had on that show. Howard said they actually flew him in and they never did that before. He explained how he had green apple sauce pouring out of his head injury and they ended up getting into a food fight during the shoot.
Howard asked Gary if he had some good times when he was doing coke and stuff. Gary said he was smart for about 20 minutes while on that stuff. Howard asked Gary if he used to go to Heidi Fleiss. Gary said that never happened. Howard asked him about hanging out with Charlie Sheen. Gary said he didn't do that much with him either. Howard asked him how much coke he was doing when he was at his partying best. Gary joked it was 15 pounds but said his scale was from Australia.
Gary talked about how he got into the Buddy Holly story movie and how that all worked out great. Howard got on the subject of the Born Again stuff. Gary became a Born Again Promise Keeper. They went through that stuff and also talked about the upcoming E! special about Gary's life.
Gary (Baba Booey) came in and wanted to bring something up. Gary Busey ended up chasing after him. Then he got on the drums that were in the studio and started playing those. Howard said the guy is shot out of a cannon this morning. Busey came back a short time later and calmed down a little bit. Howard talked to him about some cancer he had in his nose. Gary said it was a very rare cancer and he claims that he was born with it. He said that he had a nose bleed last year and it wouldn't stop so he went and had it checked out. They found a tumor the size of a golf ball. Luckily they caught it in time and got it out of there. Gary said he went through 7 hours of surgery where they lifted up his lip and nose to get to the tumor.
Busey was telling a story about how he had heard a voice when he was under during surgery. Then Baba Booey tried to say some stuff over his microphone but Busey was making noise to block him so no one could hear him. Howard got back to Gary's stories and went through some of the stuff he's gone through.
Gary talked about some of the projects he's been involved with lately and then Howard gave him a plug for the E! True Hollywood Story about his life. Howard also asked him to admit that he had been at Scores last night. Gary wouldn't do that but Chaunce Hayden called in and said that he's lying and he really was there last night. Gary said he wasn't there. Chaunce got the hint and said he gets it, wink wink, he wasn't there. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard said Gary Busey made a move like he was going to come over and kick his ass after his appearance. Gary came in a short time later and said he wasn't able to get away from there. He picked up his interview from where they left off earlier. Gary was talking about going out and shooting some pigeons and cooking them up in his hotel room.
Howard told Gary that maybe they can hang out sometime. Busey said that he doesn't want to be lynched. Busey was rambling a bit about some nonsense and Howard said he really doesn't think he could hang with him because they're so different. Busey stuck around for a few minutes and talked to Howard a little bit. Busey headed over toward Howard and scared him a little bit. Howard then noticed that he has his nails manicured. Gary said they're just covered in some juice from a squid. He asked Howard to smell his hands so Howard said it smelled like he was at Scores last night.
Howard had a guy on the phone who claimed that Gary was out at a bar with him. He didn't want to take the call while Gary was in the studio though. Gary left but came right back in a minute later. Howard had him showing Robin his shiny nails. They talked about Gary getting into fights and stuff and Gary said he had broken some sternums with his helmet a few times. He wanted to demonstrate on Howard but Howard asked him to back off.
Howard was inviting Gary to go with them to Scores on Friday but Gary said he didn't have time to do that. Howard figured he was giving him the old ''wink, wink'' thing and he would be there on Friday. Gary didn't know what the ''wink, wink'' thing was and told him to lay off the Scores stuff.
Howard kept talking about Busey so he kept leaving and coming back into the studio. Busey heard Howard say something else about him having a lot of energy so he came right back in the studio but only for a short time. Howard said he has to put Gary in a movie but he'd probably never get any work done.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Gary Busey came into a bar he was working at years ago and used to drink quite a bit. Busey returned to the studio and said that was a couple of years ago and he's out of that now. Howard had Robin start her news after that. They had to go to break a short time later.
Robin read a story about a San Diego Chargers football player who was killed by lightning. That led to the guys talking about how that particular team seemed to be jinxed a little bit. They talked about a bunch of players and coaches who have had a lot of bad things happen to them over the past few years since they played in the Super Bowl.
Fred was doing an impression of French actor Gerard Depardieu after Robin read a story about him. Howard said that guy is scary... not Gerard Depardieu, Fred. That got a laugh out of Jackie who probably wrote the joke. Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 9:50am (Master Tape Theatre time).