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Howard started off the show talking about how they had a lot to talk about after their week long vacation. Robin said they should never take off because so much stuff goes on while they're away. Howard said he had a lot of stuff to talk about this morning including the Academy Awards which aired last night. Howard said it was kind of boring with none of the big awards being given away in the first hour and a half.
Howard said he watched that but wanted to comment about the big merger between XM and SIRIUS. He said Mel Karmazin is even coming in to talk about the merger with the. He got back to the Academy Awards and commented on Ellen Degeneres' awful outfit on the show. He said she seems to like to dress like a man but she dresses like David Arquette on his way to a Halloween party. She was wearing big duck shoes and you'd think that she'd have some taste. She doesn't know what to wear according to Howard. He said she's really like a guy who doesn't have any clue what to wear out.
Howard said Ellen is the manliest broad he knows. He said it was like she showed up in her pajamas. Artie said it was almost like she was goofing on the awards by dressing like that. Howard said it's really uncomfortable to watch someone like that. He said it's like she's a bad cross-dresser. It's like she just has no idea what to do. Artie said that Jack Nicholson should grow any hair he has left on his head back because he was bald. Howard said he's apparently doing that for a movie role. Artie didn't know that so he was relieved to hear that.
Howard said he was glad to see Alan Arkin win an award until he saw his speech. He was then looking forward to seeing Eddie Murphy's speech instead. Howard said it really was nice that Alan won finally though. He then went on to talk about Will Smith's kid and wondered how he gets into that condition. He said the kid is really like his parents in the way he's been groomed for show business.
Robin saw a guy on the red carpet who was extremely black. The guy, Andre something, from Vogue magazine, made Will Smith look white. Howard said that he was also glad to see that Martin Scorsese finally won an Academy Award. He read through a list of the movies he was nominated for and didn't win. He said that ''Dances with Wolves'' beat ''Goodfellas.'' Then ''Rocky'' beat ''Taxi Driver.'' Howard and the guys talked about that stuff for a short time.
Gary said that they seemed to be rushing people through their speeches last night. They also had some interpretive dancers doing movie scenes and that was very weird. Artie said they always do some gay stuff on that show. Artie said they also run that show really late and he doesn't get why people complain about the World Series running late when this show runs so late.
Artie said he thought Ellen had a couple of good jokes last night but not all that many. They spent a short time talking about her and some of the stuff she was doing last night. Howard took a call from a guy who brought up her outfit again so they got back to that. Howard said he's surprised that no one goofed on it during the show last night.
Howard said that XM made some mistakes with their business and SIRIUS made some very good decisions which made the two companies equal. He said that the NAB (National Association of Broadcasters) is looking to block the merger. They don't want to see satellite be successful even though they're broadcasters as well. There was one guy saying that any industry that makes Howard Stern it's poster child should not be rewarded. Howard talked about how ridiculous that argument is. It shows that they're thinking about him constantly though. Howard said he's hoping this merger goes through and he'd love to broadcast to both audiences. He said they have about 8 million subscribers and SIRIUS has almost 7 so it'll be great to have that many listeners.
Howard read that Oprah Winfrey being signed on to XM actually led to their subscriptions going down after she went on. Howard also brought up the mistake that XM made by giving away Opie and Anthony to terrestrial radio. He wondered why anyone would subscribe to hear their show if they make it free on terrestrial radio. It's a weird thing and he's not sure why they would do something like that when it should be exclusive content.
Howard said the weird thing is that when satellite radio was created, there was no iPod. The industry is shifting daily and there are many things competing with satellite radio. They should be allowed to merge because there really is so much competition out there. If they don't, they're going to bankrupt the companies. Howard said if the merger doesn't go through though, he thinks that SIRIUS will still crush XM.
Howard said he was actually surprised by that merger news, he had no idea. Robin assumed he knew but Howard said they really can't tell him that stuff so he really didn't know anything about that. Robin said that she got the news and was very surprised to hear it as well.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they're going to raise the rates when they do merge. Howard said he's pretty sure that they may just lower the rates. He said that they won't have to buy duplicate talent and they won't have as much advertising so it's possible that they could lower the rates. Howard didn't want to be quoted on that but that's what he's assuming. Artie said he'd think the same thing and the rates would go down. Howard said they'll have to ask Mel later when he comes in.
Howard thinks that it would be cool to have one strong company if they do end up merging. Robin said people are going to benefit either way. If the rates don't go down, they will get more content. Howard said that they'd have a ton of content if the merger does happen. It can only be good. Robin said she read that people are going to get to choose the content they want so it should work out nicely.
The guys talked about the NAB and how they're looking to benefit only terrestrial radio. They want to get rid of iPods and satellite radio. They seem to be fixated on satellite radio even though there's TV and other media out there that competes with them as well. Howard said he still thinks the company will do well even if the merger doesn't go through.
Howard said that if the FCC doesn't approve the merger, they're going to be bankrupting at least one of the companies. The caller Howard had on the line asked if he could get a tour up there. Artie told him it was going to cost him $80. Howard said that what he'd like to see happen is for anyone who subscribes to satellite radio, they should have access to a bunch of radios for the one price.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's not looking forward to any of the stuff that they have on XM. Howard said that the programming over there at XM is basically a duplicate of what's on SIRIUS except for him. He's the one thing that they're lacking over there. If the merger happens, they'll have him.
The caller was this guy Mark who calls in often so Howard and Artie talked to him a little bit. Artie knew him because he won a trip to the Playboy mansion with him. He said this guy can really party. Howard got back to the picture that was on SFN. He went down to Miami and got there a little late because he got sick on the weekend. He said he got down by Tuesday after suffering through the stomach virus he got. Artie said he got sick again over the vacation as well.
Howard said he was wearing a big floppy hat down there in Miami. He figured he got away with it but he was wrong. He said he talked to Ross Zapin who saw the picture of him walking on the beach. He figured they were goofing on him but Ross said they were being nice. Then Beth worried about what they were saying about her. She asked him to go take a look to see what they were saying about her. Howard said they're really vicious on there so he started reading the comments about him. He said he's still in good shape and he doesn't understand why they goof on him like they do over there.
Howard said they were commenting about how he's a typical old man even though you can't see his face in the picture. He said he already knows that he's weird looking and it doesn't really bother him all that much. He said that they were talking about just staying engaged for a long time instead of planning a wedding. He said that's why he likes Beth, she doesn't hound him for that stuff. He said she loves that engagement ring he got her, she's constantly staring at it. He said she's just smiling while looking at the ring all the time.
Mark told Howard that he's getting kind of nervous with his merger thing. Howard said he's kind of getting nervous as well and he's not sure he wants a bigger audience. He said he doesn't want any pressure because he though he was in semi-retirement over there. Mark said it's great that he doesn't have to worry about ratings anymore. Howard said there was an article that David Hinkley wrote the day after the merger announcement that said he doesn't have any influence on radio anymore. The whole merger thing was probably partially due to him being signed to SIRIUS and yet they say he has no influence. He said he must have screwed David Hinkley over in a big way somehow. Robin pointed out that Howard's name was being mentioned in every article and news report about the possible merger.
Howard said they have a whole list of specials that they're working on for the next 4 years there at SIRIUS. Mark said that the whole thing was very well thought out last week and they did a great job. Mark said that Artie seemed to be in a really bad mood during that music special. Artie said he didn't even remember when he did those interviews.
Artie said that he caught a segment during that Billy West thing where Fred and Billy were both doing their Raymond Burr impressions. Howard said Fred used to do a lot of that stuff when he could riff off of someone. He said it used to happen a lot when Billy was there but now he doesn't do it at all. Howard said the three of them, Fred, Billy and Jackie, worked really well together. Artie said that when they were goofing on Conan O'Brien, it was great. Howard said he would really welcome Billy back if he could come in sometime.
Howard spent a little time talking about how Billy thinks he got screwed over back when he was working there at K-Rock. He wasn't feeling the love from them at the time. Then he moved out to L.A. To get work out there. Artie said another great segment was when they had the creator of Ren and Stimpy on the show to confront Billy. Howard didn't remember the story so Artie filled him in on that. They went over that whole thing and talked about how uncomfortable it sounded. Gary came in and gave more details about that whole segment.
Howard and the guys talked about some of the Jackie tapes as well. Howard said he loves Jackie but he was a handful back then. He said it gives him nightmares thinking back to that stuff. Gary said that Jackie really laughed hard at his own jokes and he could hear him laughing at lyrics in song parodies and stuff. That led to Fred playing a bunch of Jackie laughs that he had in his collection. He played a ton of various laughs because he has so many different ones. They were talking about the song parody ''The Boy with Horse Teeth'' that America had sung about Gary and how Jackie was laughing his ass off at the jokes he wrote for that song.
The guys were talking about how Jackie's wife was also his manager back then and Artie said that's the worst. When you get the worst aspects of a wife and the worst of a manager, that's an evil villain right there.
The caller Howard had on the line was talking about the new channels they have there at SIRIUS like the Sinatra channel and that black guy... Jaime Foxx. The guy also said he noticed that channels 98 and 99 were missing so he was wondering if that had something to do with the meeting Howard had recently. Howard said he doesn't know anything about that.
Another caller told Howard that they ran an old interview with Snoop Dogg that was great. That got Howard talking about the specials they're running and how they're working on one called ''The History of The Howard Stern Show'' that will be a 2 week long special. The caller said that the stuff last week was really great. He wondered if they're trying to get Billy back on the show. Howard said Billy is welcome to come in anytime but he's very successful and maybe sometime in the future he will come in.
The guy on the phone asked how he can become a regular caller because he does call in pretty often. The guys told him to just keep calling in. Robin figured he wanted a special name or something. Artie got a laugh out of that whole thing and thought his question about how to become a regular caller was kind of funny.
Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric and asked him how he became a regular caller. Bill said that Howard gave him his name after he called in and took a hit off his bong. He said his name isn't even Bill, it's Josh. Howard didn't know that and that was a little history right there. Artie said that if Howard gives you a name, you just stick with it and that's that. Howard asked Bill/Josh if he thinks you should just roll with it if you get a name like that. Bill said he thinks that it may not have worked if he was called ''Bong Hit Josh.'' He said no one in his real life calls him Bill and he hasn't thought about changing his name. Robin said he has an alter-ego and he can be Bill or Josh if he doesn't want to be one or the other.
Bong Hit Bill said the one good thing about the merger is if they bring over the Grateful Dead channel over there. Robin and Howard said they're going to get rid of that stuff but they were just joking around.
Howard said he asked the manager how he was supposed to sleep. The manager, who was Chinese or something, told him that he might hear a little noise. Howard said he knew that it was going to be more than a little noise though. He said there are a lot of families who stay there so he's not sure why they'd do something like that.
Howard said he called his travel agent and asked to get a new hotel so he could get some sleep. He tried to book a room but the manager came to him and told him that they'd move his room to the other side of the building. They did that for him just for that night. Artie said he knows what he means because he's had the same problem down there. He said he had to take a break a short time later.
Howard said he's gotten wedding invitations from people he doesn't even know and he thinks they're just fishing for gifts.
Howard said Tim Sabean has something going on with Chubby Checker. He heard that Tim had passed along a Chubby Checker CD trying to get them to play it on the show. Howard said he would never play that stuff on his show and Tim should know that. Tim apparently knows the guy because he used to live near him. Tim said he ran into Chubby at the gym out near his house and the guy asked him to come out and listen to the CD in his car. Tim said Chubby asked him to pass along the CD to Howard so that's what he did. He said the sound is different for him.
Howard played some of the Chubby Checker CD and said it really wasn't too bad. He got back to Tim and talked to him about the possible merger. Tim said he loves working at that place so it's going to be great either way. He said he gets paid to come to work where he has a great time and that's the best. Tim sounded very happy and was laughing at everything.
The guys were talking about how Bubba has it made down at his studios in Tampa. Howard talked about how weird Bubba is sometimes like when he was talking about how he likes getting a hand job and titty fucking better than regular sex.
Howard played a little more of the Chubby CD and asked Tim what kind of car they were listening to the CD in. Tim said he thinks it was a Volkswagen. Howard asked him if the tires exploded when they got in the car. Tim said Chubby was talking to him about losing weight and he was telling him to avoid soda and juice and things like that.
Howard mentioned that Gilbert Gottfried got married while they were away. Howard said he wasn't invited so he didn't get to see that. Howard thanked Tim for giving them the Chubby Checker update and told him to come back in another 40 years for another one.
Howard and the guys ended up talking about other jobs that people take and just do whatever they have to do. They spent some time talking about some deejays like Jim Kerr and Meg Griffin. Meg would actually leave radio stations if she couldn't play the music she wanted to play. Howard said she has integrity and he has to give that to her. Other people, like Jim Kerr, will do any announcing job. Fred said he saw him show up at a skating rink where he was at and after he was done, he just left.
Lisa G said that there's a new web site called WhosDatedWho.com where they show some of the people Howard has dated. She mentioned a couple of names like Carmen Electra and Gina Gershon but Howard said he never dated either of them but he does know them.
Mel said that even if the merger doesn't go through, they could still be a very successful company. Mel told Howard that before he started, they only had about 600,000 subscribers. XM had about 2.5 million at that time. They had almost 4 times the amount. Ever since Howard signed on, they've added over 5 million while XM has added about the same. Things have evened out over the past couple of years.
Mel said that their stock was at $9 for a while and XM was up at $40 a while ago but both have dropped down quite a bit. He said that he started the merger talks with them when the stock was still up there. He said things have come down since then and both companies need each other at this time. He said the only way to get the savings is to have the two of them sharing. He said that right now they're in a position where the two companies are a 50/50 split. He said that each company is worth about 50 percent of the $13 billion deal.
Howard asked what the catalyst was that made the merger happen. Mel said that the stock prices have gotten so low that they couldn't ignore it anymore. Howard said that if the government doesn't approve this deal, it could bankrupt one company. Mel said that they wouldn't have announce the deal if they didn't think that they could get it approved. He said they have lawyers who have been going through this stuff and they really think that it can happen.
Mel said that they are competing with terrestrial radio and that's pretty obvious. The NAB, which is paid for by the broadcasters, have been talking out against satellite radio. He said that they're competing against 10,000 radio stations and other things like iPods. The argument for the two companies combining is that satellite doesn't have radios available to everyone like terrestrial radio does.
Robin asked Mel about the merging of the two companies and how the FCC might deny it happening because it might be a monopoly. Mel thinks that they can still make it happen even with that.
Howard asked Mel what the deal is if they do merge and what kind of benefits they will have. Howard wondered if the prices would go down. Mel said that it's possible that they would go down. Mel said that they're competing with a free service so they might just have to lower the prices. He said they need to get the 90 percent of the people out there who aren't subscribing to see that it's worth it. He said that if the two companies were one, they would have so much content that people would have a great choice to go to. He said that people won't have to buy a new radio either. He said whatever radio it is they have will not become obsolete. They will negotiate through contracts and they'll take stuff and add it to each other's systems when they can do that.
Howard said that if the merger dos happen, his show would be available on XM. Mel said that is the case and they would be able to listen to Howard on either service for just the one price. Howard said he was driving with someone down in Florida and the guy's car had XM in it. He used to look at that and think that he hated it, but now he likes that people are just into satellite.
Mel thinks that after the merger happens, they'll be able to come up with some cool new products that will work with each other. They can combine many of the services that each company has and they'll be able to cut the costs of running them when it happens. Robin asked if they can actually run two companies. Mel went on to tell Robin that there are some exclusive contracts with car companies and with content providers so that stuff will have to be dealt with.
Mel said that each of the companies have advertising and it will be a good thing when they can go to advertisers and tell them that they have over 13 million subscribers to advertise to. Howard asked Mel where they were holding these meetings and stuff. Mel said he had them over to his apartment and that's where they would go over all of this stuff. He said that things didn't work out for a very long time because there were arguments over who was going to get 55 percent of the company and who was going to get 45 percent. Mel said that XM was arguing that they had more subscribers and more deals with car companies. Mel said SIRIUS argued that they had better content and were growing faster. Mel said that at the end of the day it was a 50/50 deal. Mel will be the CEO of the company and Mel said that both boards agreed on that whole thing. He said he would have been happy to step aside if that wasn't acceptable to them.
Howard asked Mel when this merger could actually happen. Mel said that they made the announcement last week and went right over to the FCC and spoke to each of the five main guys there. He said they talked about why this is a different big merger for media companies. He said they had some good arguments and he's hoping that they'll work to get them to vote in their favor. Howard asked him if he thinks that someone could get to those five guys and stop this from happening. Mel said he doesn't think anyone is going to pay them off or anything like that. He said he knows that he's trying his hardest to make it happen so even if it doesn't, he knows he gave it his best.
Mel said that he remembers that SIRIUS was a member of the NAB years ago but they were dumped eventually because they were afraid of satellite competing with terrestrial radio stations. Howard said he is kind of scared that there are so many people who can sit and muck this whole thing up. He said it could end up killing it for everyone. He wanted to know what Mel thinks is the real probability that it will happen. Mel said there are some anti-trust issues but he thinks that would pass the Justice Department. The odds there are very good according to Mel. He said that they then have to go to the FCC and they're hoping that they can make the arguments that this is right. He said the odds there are better than 50 percent according to Mel.
Mel said it is a possibility that this won't go through. Howard asked if one of the companies went bankrupt, could the other take it over. Mel said he can't imagine that happening right now but the way the industry changes, it could eventually happen. Mel also talked about how every car company is starting to put in iPod adapters. He said they didn't go out and lobby against that like the NAB did against satellite radio. Howard said that the NAB recently commented about how any industry that has Howard Stern as a poster boy doesn't deserve any favors. He thinks that's ridiculous.
Howard asked when they're going to have a final decision about this. Mel said that they're hoping it will go through the process and no politicians are going to try and stop it. He said he's going to testify down in Washington DC very soon. By Tuesday of last week he was already being asked to come down there to testify. Robin asked who they actually need to approve it. Mel said it's the Justice department and the FCC. That's it.
Howard asked if they're going to cover any of this stuff on TV. Mel said he's not sure if C-Span is going to be covering it or not. He said he does like being able to get the story out and he thinks that they would be able to compete against other music products if they are one company.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked if they could take this to court if it is rejected. Mel said that they could but it would take very long to do it and that might not be the best thing for them. Howard said he's actually looking forward to this and if it does get rejected, he's going to be kind of deflated. Howard accidentally hung up on Dominic so he asked Gary to get him back on the line.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Mel is going to retain the CEO title. Howard answered ''yes'' for him. He also asked if they're going to try and get Adam Carolla once they do merge. Howard said that's what the whole deal is about, getting Adam Carolla. Mel said that he never understood the sharing of services with terrestrial radio. Robin pointed out that they do that on XM with a certain show (O&A) and wondered what would happen to that show. Mel said that they would honor their contract of course.
Artie had a question for Mel... but it was about the vending machine there on the 37th floor. He was wondering if they were going to offer the same products in both vending machines there. Mel said that they may not be able to keep the prices of the food in the vending machines low.
Howard said that they offer free pretzels there and he begged Mel not to put a stop to that. Mel said he hasn't made any changes yet but it does bother him when he sees it. He said he just hasn't figured out a way to take that away yet.
Howard said that Mel once showed him a restaurant that they had over at CBS that he closed down because it was just for the executives over there. He doesn't like stuff like that.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked what they're going to call the company. Mel said they haven't committed to anything like that yet. He isn't sure what it'll be yet. Robin suggested ''SeXM.'' Mel said he can't imagine changing it to a new name because they have so much invested in the two names. Howard said that SIRIUS is more recognizable but he can imagine XM wanting to call it XM.
Howard said they went to the Wack Pack and asked them what they would call the company. He had tape of it so he played through that. First up was Wendy the Retard who suggested ''Jessica.'' Blue iris suggested ''Howard Stern'' while Riley Martin suggested ''SIRIUM.'' King of All Blacks suggested ''Surge.'' Jeff the Drunk said he didn't give a flying fuck and didn't have a name. Mel said that those were all good names.
Howard said he would like ''Howard Stern'' as the name of the company but he's really just happy with the two channels being named after him. He figures that he should just lay low for a while and not do anything stupid. Mel said that anyone thinking about buying a radio shouldn't hesitate. If the deal does happen, the radios will not become obsolete.
Mel said that they are starting the process today and they are working on everything to get the merger on a roll. He said within the next month they will have filed the paperwork to do the merge. It could take as little as 3-4 months to make it happen. Or it could take between 6-9 months if things are slowed. They're hopeful that they'll have regulatory approval by the end of the year. Mel said there are some concerns that could come up during the discussions that could slow the process down. They will do what they have to to make that deal happen.
A caller told Howard that he went through a big media company merger and it did nothing but screw over the employees. Mel said that they've only been around for a few years so they don't even have all that many employees to lose so it shouldn't be an issue.
Howard asked Mel who he told about this deal and what their reactions were. Mel said that he told his wife about it only because she knew what was going on. He said that he did feel good about it and felt so good that he didn't even need to have sex when it came about.
Howard asked if it was true they were only going to hire people who are allergic to pretzels. Mel joked about that a little bit. Howard told him not to take any drugs or anything that might make him screw up the whole thing. Mel said that won't be a problem. He said it is hard to sleep while thinking about this stuff and testifying in front of congress.
Mel said that he was even nervous about coming on the show today because he's only been on two other times. Howard told Mel he did a good job today and then told Mel that if he's not on top of his game, he could really screw up this whole thing for shareholders, all of the people at SIRIUS and XM and all of their employees. Howard said that anyone else would be fired for failing in this effort and he wasn't trying to give him more pressure.
Howard said that Mel is the best arguer that he's ever met. He said he's had to take medication after arguing with Mel so he knows that first hand. He thinks that Mel will be able to argue that this merger is a good thing. Artie said he thinks that if you put Mel in a room with Ted Nugent, Ted would come out the head of PETA. Howard told Mel that they should make it so Mel has to get tea bagged by Sal and Richard if he doesn't make this merger happen. Mel said that motivated him right there.
Mel was telling Howard how nice it was to hear that he and Beth were engaged. Howard asked Mel if he thinks he should have been out banging more or if settling down was better. Mel said he thinks that being with just one person is better. Robin said Mel was basically saying that he didn't like the show when he was out banging a lot of chicks. Mel was kind of heading in that direction.
Mel was talking about how serious this whole thing is going to be down in Washington DC. Howard then suggested that he tell some jokes or wear a dress when he goes to testify. Mel said that he's very nervous now thinking about wearing a dress. Howard said that would be the greatest story of all time if he showed up in a dress and high heels. Artie said it would be great if he went in and did a Don Rickles thing and told them to ''Listen up dummies...'' Mel said he thinks he's gotten enough advice from them this morning.
Mel said that this deal will mean that customers will have more choices at a lower cost. Artie also reminded everyone that if they buy a radio now, it won't change when the merger happens. They'll be able to get what they want either way.
Howard congratulated Mel on the whole thing and said that it's very exciting. He said this is a big moment right now and it's really great news. He said that he'll be able to tell his grandkids someday about this day. Howard told Mel that he's a pioneer, a visionary and he's taking a business that wasn't considered a business by some, and turning it into a big business. He told Mel to go down to Washington DC and do his thing. He said he had to go to break but he spent a little time talking to Mel about his trip down to Washington DC on Wednesday. Howard was afraid that he wasn't going to get there in time but Mel assured him it would be fine. He was going to head down there at 5 in the morning for a 3pm meeting. He said if he gets there the day before, he's not going to sleep. If he gets there any earlier he's going to be too aggressive too so he doesn't want that. Howard is afraid that congress will look at him poorly if he doesn't show up on time. Mel said he will figure out how to get there on time. He told Howard not to worry.
Robin reminded Artie that he once slept through a very important meeting. Artie said that actually got him even more money so Mel took that as meaning he should blow off this thing and maybe that would mean the deal would go through. Howard said that they might have to have Eric the Midget sit next to Mel while he testifies. That little guy gets a lot of sympathy and it might help his case. Mel said he has the feeling that the head of the NAB is going to be sitting next to him and it might just turn into a debate instead.
Howard told Mel that if he does a good job down there, they're going to have a Scores party for him. He said what they really need to do is get the FCC guys in compromising positions with young boys. Mel made sure that everyone knew it was Howard making that suggestion. Howard wished Mel luck and said that everyone is behind him. He asked him to please do the right thing and then went to break.
Howard took a call from a guy who was calling in for the first time without having much to say. The guy's mother walked into the room and he lied to her about being on the phone with Howard Stern. He told her that he was on the phone with the cable company. The guy said it was a close call and she wouldn't be happy that he was listening. He's 23 years old! The guy said he has to hide what he does because he's still living at home. He said his mother doesn't even want him to move out.
The caller said he makes about $100 every two weeks working on the internet a little bit. The guy said he's addicted to the show and he listens all the time. Howard asked the guy if his mother found out that he was listening to the show, would she tell him to go out and get a job or something. He didn't really answer. He said they don't know that he sits there and listens to the show all day. They think he works online and makes money all day.
Howard asked the guy about how his parents treat him when he's 23 and living at home. He said his father used to treat him like crap until he started making some money on the web. The guy said he does give his mother money once in a while and it's kind of awkward for him to do that. The guy said that he had to shit and piss right then but he was on hold and didn't want to get off the phone. He said if he could get on the show, he'd shit into a bucket and pour it on his head.
The caller said that he whacks off five times a day. He said he's a virgin too but he's a virgin by choice. He said he's not a homo though, he loves chicks. Howard asked him about where he whacks off and found out that he does it in his room. He beats off and cums under his desk and stuff. He said there are spots all over the place under his desk.
Howard asked him what the furthest he's gotten with a chick. He said he's gotten head from a chick and he's been asked to bang chicks before. He said he's a virgin because he was a religious guy and that's why he was avoiding it. The guy asked how he could get to be a routine caller. Howard told him to call in routinely. The guy wanted Howard to give him a name but they weren't able to come up with anything for him.
The caller said that he wakes up at 6 in the morning and listens to every minute of the show. Then he takes a nap and then goes out to get something to eat. Howard asked him how he makes money on the web. He said he makes it with banner ads on the web. He didn't elaborate on that but said it works out to about $50 a week.
Howard asked him more about having sex and found that he once tried to fuck his cat about 5 years ago. He said he got the mushroom tip in there. Howard told him that's a pretty sick thing right there. Howard asked him in what religion fucking a cat is right while fucking a chick is wrong. The guy's excuse was that Colin Quinn had done it. (Colin never fucked a cat). Howard said he doesn't understand fucking a cat. He asked the guy if his mother knows that he did that. The guy said his mother would kill him if she did that. Howard finally came up with a name for the guy. He told him that when he calls in he has to call himself ''Captain Cat Fucker.'' The guy seemed to like that name. Howard told him he should be a little ashamed of that whole thing. Howard let the guy go a short time later and said goodbye to Captain Cat Fucker.
Howard had the guys bring in Mr. Skin to do his Mr. Skin's Anatomy Awards thing. Howard said everyone looks forward to this every year. Mr. Skin got right into it and talked about Helen Mirren doing some stuff many years ago. Back in 1969 she had big, real tits according to Gary who was looking at her pictures.
Howard said that Mr. Skin gave them a password to log in to look at stuff and the password ended up on the web and over 2000 different people got on and used that password. Mr. Skin said that he made individual passwords for each person so they can now track down who's giving it out.
Hook Nose Mike asked Mr. Skin if Evangeline Lilly has ever done a nude scene. Mr. Skin said that hasn't happened yet. Howard said that she will eventually be naked once Lost is over. Howard noticed that there were some problems with the microphone Mr. Skin was using so Gary swapped it out with another one. Mel was having the same problem.
Howard mentioned that he was trying to catch up on Battlestar Galictica and needs the first three episodes of the new season. Jon Hein has hooked him up and should have the episodes for him today or tomorrow. He got off of that and moved on to the Anatomy Awards. Howard told him to talk quickly and go through all of this stuff.
Mr. Skin said that back in the early 90s Anna Nicole Smith was looking really hot and they have some pictures of her up on MrSkin.com. He said she was in a couple of movies and you can see all of that stuff on the site. He talked about how great her boobs were and how good she looked in some of those movies. Howard asked if she had any cellulite on her ass back then. Mr. Skin said there was nothing like that on her when she was in her prime.
Howard said there was some controversy on his web site. The scene from ''The Break Up'' where Jennifer Aniston was topless will never be on the site. He said that someone stole a picture from the movie where they showed her breasts 6 inches lower than what it showed in the movie and now PerezHilton.com is being sued over it. He said that scene was never in the movie so they can't put that on the site.
Howard had Mr. Skin get to some of the Anatomy awards. The first category was Best PG-13 Nude Scene and Jennifer Aniston won that one. Best Breasts were Salma Hayek. They showed some video in the studio as they were going through that stuff. Up next was Best Over 40 Nude Scene and Kyra Sedgwick won for ''Loverboy.'' After that they went to Best Butt and Brittany Daniel in ''Rampage'' won that one. They talked a little bit about each winner and how hot some of those chicks were. Howard moved on to the next one which was Best Lesbian Scene. Laura Bottrell and Nichole Mercedes Robinson in ''Huff'' were the winners for that one. That led to Howard talking about how Beth has a little bit of a lesbian crush on some chick from ''The L Word.'' He said he got jealous of her when he heard that. He said he doesn't like hearing that and got upset by it.
Howard moved on to Sexiest TV Network Scene which was Ali Larter in Heroes. Howard said all of this stuff is up on MrSkin.com. Howard wanted to get through the stuff pretty quick so he went to some of the other categories himself. Here's what they whipped through...
Howard asked Mr. Skin who he thinks looks bad nude. Mr. Skin said that Tatum O'Neil naked was one person who had odd looking ''fun bags.'' Howard also asked him about the fact that Artie's movie ''Beer League'' won an award this year. Mr. Skin said that Keisha won for Biggest Jumbo Jacks in ''Beer League.''
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw Mr. Skin's wife in a picture and she was smoking hot. Mr. Skin said that he has a beautiful wife, another kid on the way and he gets to do this stuff for a living. He's having a great time. Mr. Skin said he has a 1 year old son and a 2 year old daughter and he's supposed to go to her school and talk about his career. He's still not sure what he's going to say he does for a living.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked some questions about nude scenes. Howard wondered if the lead in ''How I Met Your Mother'' has ever done anything nude. Mr. Skin didn't recognize the name so he figured she hadn't done anything nude. Howard asked if there have been any women who have had Downs Syndrome and have been nude. Mr. Skin laughed and said he's never run across anything like that.
One caller asked Artie for tickets to one of his comedy shows. Artie ended up saying that he'd hook the guy up with tickets as long as he was a SIRIUS subscriber. The guy assured him he was. Howard put the guy on hold and then wrapped up with Mr. Skin. He went around the room and asked if anyone had any questions for Mr. Skin. Fred asked about Jessica Alba and if she has any nude scenes coming up. He said that it's a bad sign when she played a stripper in a movie and didn't strip. Artie asked about Jessica Biel. Mr. Skin said she's been in a bikini but never naked so it's kind of disappointing.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about a woman on a Mexican channel down his way but Mr. Skin didn't know anything about that woman. Another caller asked about Monica Beluchi. Mr. Skin ran down a couple of the movies that she's been in nude and you can find all of that info over at MrSkin.com. JD came in and said that Monica is in a movie in which she was raped for 10 minutes. That movie was ''Irreversible.'' Mr. Skin said that movie was very disturbing and he wouldn't recommend it.
Captain Janks called in and said he was into this chick Topanga from ''Boy Meets World'' and wondered if she's got anything coming out. Mr. Skin said there's nothing yet but they're hoping she will do something soon. Richard came in and asked about Eva Mendez. Mr. Skin said that she has done some nude scenes. Irish John then called in and asked about Kate Beckinsale. Mr. Skin said there was a movie called ''Under Cover'' in which she's topless. They went over that for a short time. The guys showed her picture and Howard said she's got banana tits.
Howard let some other guys go through some other celebrity names. Fred asked about Scarlet Johansen and Mr. Skin thinks that she won't be doing any nude stuff. He said he heard from someone had seen them back stage one time and they were the most amazing things they had ever seen. Gary told Howard he had a picture of Tatum O'Neil so they could see just how odd her boobs looked. Gary also said that he heard that Scarlet Johansen was going to be doing the life story of Jenna Jameson so she'd have to be nude in that. Mr. Skin said that would be awesome.
Mr. Skin and Richard talked about some other hot movie that Jessica Alba was in. They showed a frame from the movie ''Idle Hands'' and Artie went nuts for that. Howard wrapped up after that and gave Mr. Skin another plug for his web site MrSkin.com and then went to break.
Howard and the guys talked about how the judge in the case of getting Anna Nicole buried finally. The guy broke down and sobbed during the court case. Robin was saying that the mother was supposed to have been the person to make the decisions on where Anna was going to be buried. She was the next of kin and should have had control of the body immediately. Howard said he doesn't have any plans for where he's going to be buried yet. Artie said he doesn't have any plans either so he guesses he, out of everyone, should be the one who has plans.
Howard played a clip of the judge in the Anna Nicole case breaking down and crying as he's announcing who gets custody of her body. The guy says that he wants her buried with her son in the Bahamas and talking about how it was a sad moment. Then he talks about how sad it was and even flattened him down after just a week and a half of dealing with it.
Howard said he had some more audio to play from last week. He said that Larry King was interviewing this Prince Frederick Vonholt who is Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband. Larry asked him if he ever saw Anna using drugs and the guy went nuts cursing and saying that it's all ''bullshit.'' Howard said that was a good guest right there. Artie did his impression of the prince and goofed on him for a short time.
Howard said the Howard TV guys wanted him to put on his glasses but they were filthy. He was getting tired and cranky at this time of the morning and didn't want to change his glasses. He told the Howard TV guys to leave him alone. He changed them anyway and then got into the Benjy stuff. They played some video from the event and they showed Benjy doing the pillow fight thing and taking his clothes off. Benjy said he exerted himself so much that he had to lay down and rest.
Howard said a woman came over and freaked out on him. She was asking him how he was doing and he whacked her in the head with his pillow. Benjy got cut and was laying on the ground bleeding. They played that segment and the guys laughed when they saw him whack the woman in the head. Benjy said it was actually really painful. There were kids there who wouldn't stop hitting him.
Benjy said there was also a Sex in the Media protest going on so he went over and got involved with that. He had his shirt off and was dancing around with the girls. The women were yelling out their agenda but Benjy was just dancing around in the background.
Steve said they'll be reporting on a new Stern web site called TheSternShowNetwork.com. They'll also be talking about terrestrial radio self destructing. They also have another Page 69 report about Scott the Engineer getting a back massage from his female intern. Howard called the two of them in there to find out if that's true. He asked Scott's intern if it was true and she said it didn't happen.
Will was the one who said he heard about it and the person who saw it won't come forward. Will said that person didn't want to come forward to talk about it. Scott and the intern insisted that it never happened. They also wanted the witness to step forward but that wasn't happening either.
Jon Hein stepped forward and said he's the one who saw it going on. He walked into Scott's studio and saw her lined up next to him rubbing his shoulders. He said it wasn't inappropriate. He claims he saw contact but maybe he misinterpreted it. The intern said she has to stand behind him when he works so maybe Jon saw something and did misinterpret it.
Steve mentioned that they have one other story about Artie's movie selling for $9.95 at Best Buy. Then he wrapped up and spent a minute talking to Artie. Artie showed Howard a picture of a hot chick who wanted to come to a show of his but she was wearing a ring that looked like a wedding ring or something. Artie wasn't interested if that was the case.
Jon Hein gave a rundown of what they'd be discussing on The Wrap Up Show today. They'll be talking about a bunch of the big stories that happened today on the show. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Howard took a couple more calls and let some guys talk about the merger. The Sim called in and congratulated Howard and Mel on the merger. He also gave a big F-you to the guy who wrote the article about how Howard isn't influential anymore. Howard said there is no one even close to being as influential as he is in radio.
Mutt called in and said that Mel mentioned that the music channels would remain commercial free when he did a Webcast the other day. That answered the one caller's question about that. Howard thanked him for the call and had Robin get back to her news.
The guys spent a few more minutes talking about Anna Nicole Smith's death. Dominic Barbara called in again and talked about how he thought the judge in the Anna Nicole case was a good judge even though he broke down and cried. They argued about that for a short time before Howard hung up on Dominic and had Robin get back into her news.
Howard and Robin were also talking about Britney Spears and her recent head shaving. Howard said he can't believe how fast that chick hit the wall after being cute for so long. Robin thinks that her downfall all started after she kissed Madonna on the MTV Video Music Awards. Some of the guys thought it started after she married Kevin Federline.
Robin got back to her news and at one point was talking about slavery. That got Howard into a weird discussion about what kind of slave master he might have been. He was talking about the kind of slaves he'd have like Eddie Murphy, Bernie Mac, Chris Rock and others. He ended the show around 10:55am.
Howard started off the show annoyed and cranky. He forgot to set his alarm and just woke up in time to get there. He never forgets to put his alarm on and he's not sure what happened. He said he was about 20 minutes late so he had to get up and run right over there. He said it was a miracle.
Howard said he loves that they found Jesus' body because that makes everyone Jewish. He said that it makes it great because people are confused about the whole story. Howard was telling Artie that he looks kind of Jewy himself now that he looks at him. Robin didn't get why Howard was saying that everyone was Jewish. He said everyone has to be something so now that the Jesus story isn't right, they might as well be Jews.
Howard said he was working on some questions for the It's Just Wrong game that they're playing today. Robin let out a gasp and said that she would have stayed home if she knew they were doing that today. This one is mothers and sons. Howard mentioned that the $5,000 prize for the game is courtesy of HotMovies.com.
Howard said he's pretty sure this game won't be ripped off and put on TV. He said that's happened with other games they've played. Just recently a show came out where people have their intelligence tested against 5th graders. Howard said they did that on the show years ago. Howard said he was told he should sue over it but that process goes on forever. He said that he's tried suing before and it just goes on and on. Howard said his show is the best for other people to listen to because they give so many great show ideas.
Howard said Jay Leno thinks that he takes credit for everything but he's very specific about what he takes credit for. He accused Jay of stealing some stuff but he doesn't even know that his writers are stealing the ideas for his show. He said that's the same show that stole Stuttering John away from them.
Howard said that Mancow was mentioned in the article as being number 11 on the most influential in the radio business. He said that guy could never come over to satellite radio and bring an audience there. He also said that Rush Limbaugh couldn't do it either. Howard took credit for changing the industry and how they're still crying about it, especially now that XM and SIRIUS are talking about the merger.
Howard said that the terrestrial radio guys are all upset that satellite is doing well. They're trying to get rid of them and trying to block the merger. He explained the whole monopoly thing and said that satellite radio isn't just competing against terrestrial radio because it's a pay service. He said that people can control the pricing of satellite radio by just not buying into it.
Bobo noticed a name on the list that he didn't recognize. He said there was someone by the name of Ed Schultz. Howard just laughed and Robin told him that Bubba was upset that he wasn't on the list at all. Howard said he would prefer not to be on any list at all.
Bobo mentioned the NAB and how they're using Howard's name trying to stop the merger between XM and SIRIUS. Howard said the NAB is a bunch of wackos. Bobo also mentioned that Imus is on the list of most influential radio guys. Howard goofed on him for a second and then talked about Oprah Winfrey being put on XM and how that actually drove subscriptions down. He told her to stick with her TV show.
Howard brought up Ellen Degeneres and her hosting job on the Academy Awards the other night. He said her outfits were ridiculous and he wondered why she won't put on a dress. He asked if she hates her vagina. He said he can see that she must be the one who puts on a strap-on in her relationship with Portia DeRossi. He said he'd bet $100 million that strap-ons and dildos are used by Ellen in that relationship. He said she probably wears a tiny penis in that suit of hers so she can feel like a guy. He also said she probably stands up to pee using one of those things that allows women to do that. Artie said that it's probably as hard for her to wear a dress as it would be for him. Howard said the suits she wears just don't work on her with those hips and the flat ass she has.
Howard took a call from a guy who was calling in to talk about the show ideas being stolen but he had the image of dildos and strap-ons being used by Ellen. He did ask Howard if there's a difference between Howard and his stolen ideas and a guy in Omaha who claims that he created the iPod and he's not getting paid for it. Howard said that he's never heard of some guy in Omaha not getting paid. He went on to talk about how he has created show ideas and people feel it's okay to just steal stuff from him and make shows without giving credit.
The caller asked Howard if he ever gets sick of the sycophants that are out there kissing his ass every day. Howard said he doesn't look at them like that, he just thinks that they're people who listen to the show and are super fans. He said there's nothing wrong with being a fan of someone. The caller was trying to get something started but it wasn't happening so Howard let him go. Another caller asked Howard what makes him crazier, when someone steals his ideas or someone says he has no influence. Howard said the no influence thing makes him crazy because that's just someone making stuff up. He said people are still signing up in droves to come to satellite radio.
Howard read that Mark Burnett is the creator of the 5th grader show he was talking about earlier. He said he'd bet that someone pitched that idea to Mark and he'd confront him on that if he would call into the show.
Another caller told Howard that Jay Leno claiming that Steve Allen inspired his Jay Walking segment is ridiculous. He's seen that segment on Allen's show and it was nothing like what Jay does. Howard said that Jay is a fucking asshole and that's that.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Ellen again so he went off on her again. Howard said he'd bet that Ellen has a super bra that smashes her boobs flat so she looks like a dude. He also said that he'd bet that she glues hair to her chest to make herself look more like a dude. He said her face looks like Owen Wilson after smelling something sour. Her outfit screams a certain type of lesbian sex when he sees her. He said she's like a dude and probably more manly than even he is. He said she'd probably jump into the pool to save his dog before he'd do that.
Howard mentioned that he's gotten out of watching ''Lost'' and ''Survivor'' lately. He said they just ruined ''Lost'' and he's kind of surprised he gave up on that. He said he still likes ''Heroes'' and he's trying to catch up on ''Battlestar Galictica.'' He said he's kind of pissed that they won't get him the shows he's been trying to get because he seems to be the only one out there talking about what a great show it is. He said you'd think they'd rush the shows right over so he could talk about them. Jon Hein came in and said that they're messengering those shows over to him today. They are rushing them over according to Jon.
Howard said he was helping Jon out with his chess game yesterday. He said that Jon has been on the ICC web site lately playing chess and he's hooked now. Howard said he loves that he can go on that site at any time and either play a game or watch a game whenever he wants. Artie said that he's been trying to learn more about chess by reading ''Chess for Dummies'' but he's not very far into it. He's also pretty sure that he'd rather play with real pieces and not on the computer. Howard said he'd teach him how to move the pieces if he wants.
Artie wants to play a game of chess with Howard but live, not on the computer. Howard went on to talk about how he was playing against a guy in Australia and they were both getting inside each other's heads playing online. Howard took a call from a guy who brought up how Melissa Etheridge is another lesbian who must be the dude in the relationship. Howard and the guys agreed on that. He also mentioned the music special that Jon Hein put together and talked about how great that was. He also said he heard that they're doing a top song countdown of those songs.
The guys said that they should have Artie do the countdown because he sounded so miserable when he was talking about the bands during that music special. Gary came in and told Howard that they had some audio clips of Artie's comments during that special. When he came in Howard noticed that Gary was pulling his shirt away to hide his fat and he loves that. He ended up goofing on Gary about that saying that it's really not helping when he pulls the t-shirt away from his fat belly.
Howard got into the clips of Artie commenting on the bands that were featured in that music special. The first clip was Artie commenting on Cheap Trick and how he really doesn't give a shit about them. Howard said he thought they did a great job on the show. He wondered why they'd use Artie's comment before playing their great performance on the show. No one would be interested in hearing them after hearing Artie goofing on them.
Howard played another clip where Artie was talking about Stone Temple Pilots and how he really doesn't give a shit about them either. Howard and Robin laughed and wondered why they were using those clips. Gary told Howard to play Artie's comments about John Mellencamp. Artie sounded more and more tired as they went through the clips. He was even repeating his comments about the songs he liked him performing. Artie said he doesn't even remember doing those interviews.
Howard asked Jon Hein why he would use those clips of Artie. Jon said they used them because he thought they were funny. He said that they went alphabetically so Artie was all pumped up for AC/DC but as they went on, he got more and more tired and less enthusiastic. Howard said he knows he's awful on these specials because he can't remember anything. The other guys like Gary and Fred remember everything. Robin also remembered a lot of stuff.
Robin said she almost crashed her car when she heard Artie commenting on Cheap Trick. Jon said they're working on the countdown show for the top songs from that special. It's pretty much done, the just need someone to host it. Robin thought Artie would be perfect. Jon said that Cousin Brucie has been mentioned as another person who could do it. That led to Howard doing his Cousin Brucie impression for a few seconds. Jon said they were also thinking of Sour Shoes to host or maybe even Casey Kasem. He said he's not sure when that countdown show will air.
Howard said this whole thing has been driving him nuts. Robin thinks that he's afraid she's going to leave him for a woman. Howard said if that does happen while he's still on the air there, he's never coming to work again. He said Beth is also kind of into Gwyneth Paltrow but not in a sexual way, she just likes the way she carries herself.
Gary got Beth on the line so Howard told her he was trying to get to the bottom of the whole thing. Beth said she was blushing already. Beth said that he's asked her over the years if she's into chicks and if she was, what type would she be into. That chick is the type. The guys saw a picture of her and some of them thought this chick was kind of hot. Fred also noticed that she's a cousin of Gwyneth Paltrow's.
Beth said she loves watching Gwyneth's acting and the way she carries herself. She got back to this Shane chick and mentioned that her real name is Katherine Moennig but she read that she goes by Kate. Beth said she gets worked up when she sees her on TV and she can't even explain exactly what it is. She said she even watches some of her scenes over and over again. She said she was rewinding some of her scenes over and over again in one of the shows because the sex scene was so hot.
Beth said she thought Howard would enjoy this whole conversation but he seems to be getting irritated. Howard said this is the first time she's ever said that she's found a woman sexy so it's throwing him off a little bit. He asked her if she would have sex with this chick if there would be no repercussions. Beth said she just enjoys watching her naked and it's her little girl crush, that's it. She asked Robin to help her out in this so Robin tried to explain it. She said that Beth just enjoys watching her.
Fred told Howard to do the reverse on Beth and say that he finds a guy attractive and wants to watch his scenes over and over again. Beth said that would be gay. This isn't gay. Beth was on IMDB.com reading about her and found that she has a boyfriend so that's not so hot.
Howard said he doesn't get the girl crush thing but he's not upset about it. He wanted to know how far it goes in Beth's head though. Beth asked Howard if he found out that she was attracted to her, would he be turned on by it. Howard said it might make him jealous.
Howard said he and Beth have been going out and celebrating their engagement. He said he orders glasses of wine and brags about the engagement when they go out to eat. He's embracing the whole thing and not keeping it quiet like Beth thought he would.
Gary told Howard that Gary Garver was out interviewing some people the other day and Shirley Jones was talking about Howard's engagement and saying that he has no plans on actually getting married. Howard played the audio clip of that interview. Shirley said she doesn't believe that Howard will ever get married. She thinks he'll be engaged for the next 10 years and never get married. Shirley's husband Marty Ingels said that Howard is a brilliant marketer and a genius, but he has nothing to listen to on his show. Garver asked him how big his balls were which chased Shirley away. The guys talked about how mean that was of Shirley to say that. Robin said she really doesn't like Howard. Howard agreed with that.
Beth asked Howard to have Gary set up Katherine Moennig on the show but she'd have to come in as Shane. She'd even come in to meet her. Then she said she might like to do a scene with her on ''The L Word.'' She was getting all flustered just thinking about that. She thought Howard was upset about it but Howard said he's just trying to figure it all out.
Howard said they went out to dinner one night during vacation and she was wearing some big F-me heels. He wanted to do her in the bathroom of the restaurant but she didn't want to do it. They spent a minute on that before Howard let Beth go. He asked Robin if she thinks that Beth would act on that crush if she had the chance. Gary thinks that she would, if she was on the show with her. Robin isn't sure if she would actually do it.
Siobhan the transsexual called in and weighed in on what she thought about Beth's crush. She said something that no one understood. Howard ended up hanging up on her and taking a call from Bobo who told him he has to have Beth in with that chick Kate so they can ride the Sybian together. Another caller said they have to have the two of them on the show. Howard said Beth will never ride the Sybian but she might come in if that chick comes in.
Double A called in and said that he totally feels him on this whole thing. He said he could imagine Beth doing something with that chick and he wouldn't want her crossing that line with that chick. Howard let Double A go and said that was some good advice. Another guy said that Howard is going kind of nuts over this and he should try not to freak out. Howard said he kind of freaks out over everything even when he doesn't want to. He took a few more phone calls and let some people comment on the whole Beth thing.
Howard mentioned that they were going to be playing that It's Just Wrong thing a little later. He played a promo for the game and then went to break.
Howard got back on the subject of Ellen Degeneres again. Howard said he saw her on Oprah's show dancing the other day. He said it's so bizarre when she does those dance moves.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. Lisa said that in honor of Robin's question yesterday about what to get Howard and Beth for an engagement gift... Howard interrupted and said they don't any any gifts. He said if people want to give something, they can give to the North Shore Animal League. Lisa was saying that she asked someone what to get someone like that and she was told that something like dance lessons would be good. Robin said that's what she's getting for Howard. Howard said he will not dance. Lisa also said that they could also get cooking lessons. Howard said he hates dancing.
Lisa said that Hulk Hogan is asking Bubba to help his daughter out in making her album number 1. He promised to put Bubba in one episode of his TV show if he helps make that happen. Howard said he'd help out and suggest that people buy her album. Hogan was even willing to send his daughter out on a date with Spice Boy. Howard heard that and said that would be a mistake. Spice Boy would fuck her. The album must be pretty important for Hogan to make that offer.
Lisa said that they'll have an interview with Underdog Lady about the new Underdog movie that's coming out this summer. Howard didn't know about that movie but said it would be cool if they used real dogs in a movie like that. Robin thinks that they could do that because in the ''Chronicles of Narnia'' they made animals look very realistic. Howard let Lisa go a short time later.
Howard said that there were a lot of brothers who were pissed off about the light skinned guys getting breaks more than the dark skinned. Bintell says that light skinned blacks are a different breed than the dark skinned and a different race all together. Bintell was saying that there are many examples of the light skinned blacks saying things about the dark skinned. He used Beyonce as an example and said that she has no clue about what she's talking about sometimes. She used a derogatory term for dark skinned blacks one time according to Bintell.
Howard said that when Bintell walks into a room there is no getting around the fact that he's a black man. Bintell said that people like Michael Jackson trying to change his skin color is what makes black people look like assholes. Robin said that she's very proud of being black though. She's not trying to change her skin color.
Howard asked Bintell if there are any light skinned blacks that he likes. Bintell said the only guy who called him about an interview he did was a white guy. He and Howard kept cutting each other off while giving their answers so neither of them were getting their thoughts out very well.
Bintell was saying that the dark skinned blacks have to rise up and realize that their enemies are not only white people but light skinned blacks as well. Howard said all of this stuff is in Bintell's book ''Betrayed.''
Howard read that Bintell thinks that light skinned solo artists are successful while dark skinned will only be a one-hit-wonder or not even get that far. Bintell was saying that blacks who don't prefer people who look like they do, it's a sickness.
Howard said Bintell points out that the only person from The Cosby Show that was successful after the show ended was Raven Simone who was a light skinned black girl. Bintell told Howard that he put together a contest based on his book. He said he will give people a VIP evening courtesy of a restaurant in the city. You can find out more at his web site Betrayed.biz.
Gary came in and asked Bintell about certain celebrities who are dark skinned and are successful. Bintell had excuses for each of them saying that they were either light skinned or that they were married to light skinned or white people. Howard asked Bintell to name a few dark skinned blacks who are celebrities. He said that India Artie and Angela Bassett are two that he things are hot. He said he'd like to plow Angela Basset.
Howard asked Bintell about Al Sharpton and what he thinks of him. He said that his hair straightening is sending the wrong message to the black youth. He didn't want to go off on him too much though. Howard took some phone calls from some guys and let them ask Bintell some questions. Howard took a call from the back office where they were playing clips of Crazy Alice making it seem like she was calling in to yell at him. Bintell said that this is the most hurtful subject in the black community. He said that people in the black community get upset with him for coming out with this stuff. Crazy Alice told him to shut the fuck up and that she was going to fuck his fat mama's neck. Howard let Bintell know that it was just a tape though.
Howard asked Bintell if he likes that Angelina Jolie adopts black kids. Bintell said that's fine with him. He thinks she's just doing it to adopt a kid and not for any other reason. Dominic Barbara called in and talked about some studies that have been done about the dark and light skinned thing. Another caller asked if there's any truth to the myth about the darker the skin the larger the penis. Bintell said he doesn't know about other guys but his is a nice size.
Howard asked what scale you use to figure out who is dark and light skinned. Bintell said that the grocery bag is usually the scale. He and Howard talked about Jay-Z and how he's on the edge of being dark. They spent a short time on that and then Howard went to break after giving Bintell some plugs for his stuff.
Howard said there's a new song about Robin. He played that one and it was ''I Want Robin's Tight Vagina.'' He also played a new Baba Booey song parody. He quickly mentioned that they only had one mother and son team show up to play ''It's Just Wrong'' today but he'll still be able to play it even with just the one team.
The interviewer asked the club owner about what else went on there at the club. The guy said that Pac Man was restrained and not beaten up. There were two guys who ended up getting shot and one of them will never walk again. They kicked Pac Man out of the club but he returned later. He apparently returned and punched her in the back of the head after all of that other stuff went down.
Gary said that Pac Man is saying he didn't know the two guys he was there with. Some people are saying that he should be thrown out of the NFL after all of that went down. Artie said that it all depends on how good the guy is as far as him getting kicked out of the NFL.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Pac Man was walking around with $81,000 in cash when he went to that club to get the girls to do the rain dance thing. He was also making some accusations about his vehicle being confiscated in a drug raid but Howard said he doesn't know anything about that.
Gary said that one of Bubba's guys did the same thing with cash at a strip club when they were down in Tampa. That guy didn't stop the girls from grabbing the money though.
Howard said Gary Garver ran into the gay dude, John Amaechi, and it didn't really go that well. Garver asked him what the worst part about retiring from sports will be. John said there was nothing bad about it. He said it was great for him when he retired. Gary asked him if he's blackballed from the NBA. He said he's not and he's in constant contact with people from the NBA. Garver asked about other gay NBA players and John told him there are others in the NBA and in the NFL as well. He told him it's really unimportant how many there are.
Garver asked John if he was ever involved in a towel snapping incident in the locker room. He also asked him if he knows if Shaq is hung like a mule. He didn't know that answer. Garver asked him some other questions and his people told him to take those questions past the 5th grade level. Garver then asked him about Howard Stern, who John didn't know, and then asked him if he's afraid of getting AIDS. John ended it after that question. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
The son, Mike, was telling Howard about the implants that his mother has. She was saying that she's always gotten into trouble for talking about sex. Her son came to her and asked her to play this game and she decided to go with it but she didn't sound very happy about it. Mike said she runs around her house naked all the time. She told him not to come over if that's the way he thinks.
Howard asked the mom if she's going to be okay being naked in front of her son. She said she'll be fine with it. Gary asked Mike why he hasn't lived with his mother through his life. He said that he lived with his father because his mother has always embarrassed him with the sex stuff. He said that his mother taught his friends how to eat pussy.
Gary said that the mother did have a coke issue. She didn't want to talk about that but said it was just a weekend thing. Howard said that the other couple didn't show up for this game so it's just this one team. He told them what was going to happen. He said that they had already asked Joanne the questions and now Mike had to answer the same way. If he doesn't, then Joanne has to take an article of clothing off for each question wrong. They had 3 items that she had to remove and Mike was going to have to remove those articles of clothing himself. That's what makes this ''Just Wrong.''
Howard said the first question was ''Where does your mom like a man to finish, the chest, ass or face?'' Mike guessed that it was going to be her chest. Howard said it was actually the ass. Mike had to remove his mother's dress. Joanne wasn't supposed to touch it. Mike said he was going to use his teeth to do it. Joanne said she didn't give a shit about her son taking her dress off. Mike had his eyes closed when he was doing it. She said she hates him right now. Howard said she had a nice body. He told her she looked good and Artie said that he couldn't wait for her to get naked and do some coke. Gary asked her how old she was. She said she's 48 and everyone thought she looked good for her age. She was still yelling at her son
Howard moved on to the second question which was ''Does your mother spit or swallow?'' Mike got it right when he said she swallows. She said that she actually makes sure she gets every drop. Mike said he knew that because she's told him that through his life.
Howard moved on to the next question which was ''If your mother shot a porno, which would she do? Bukkake, Anal or Golden Shower?'' Joanne said that they never asked her that one. Howard said they did and asked Mike what his answer was. Mike said he was going with Bukkake. He got it wrong, she said it was golden showers. She said they never explained the other stuff to her so she didn't know how to answer. Howard told Mike he had to take off another article of clothing. This time he was taking her bra off. He did that and Howard said she's got some nice boobs.
Howard asked Mike if he's ever done anything like this before. He said he hasn't and joked that it was quite invigorating. Howard moved on to the next question which was ''Does your mother prefer length or girth?'' Howard told Joanne to be quiet during this because she was going to ruin it for her son. Mike went with girth and got it right.
Howard moved on to the next question and asked ''If you had to have sex with an animal, would it be a bear, dog, horse or monkey?'' Joanne couldn't stop talking and said she really likes monkey's too. Mike told her to stop talking and said that the answer was Dog. He got that right. She said she picked the dog because they have longer tongues.
Howard said they asked her about what ethnic group she would pick if she had to have sex with one. Mike said it would probably be black. He would have gotten that wrong. He had already won though so he didn't have to worry about that question. After that Howard had the people from HotMovies.com come in with the $5,000 check for the winners. There was a guy by the name of James who had Arial Somers and Stoya in with him. James presented the check to them and told them that it really was just wrong. Howard gave them some plugs and James said they have a free 15 minute offer over there and you just have to enter the promo code ''Howard Stern'' to get the 15 minutes free.
Howard asked one of the girls if she wanted to kiss the mom. She went right over and kissed her and Joanne tongued her. Howard asked Joanne if she wanted to go ride the Sybian. She said she didn't want to do that but only because she's married.
Howard moved on to take some phone calls and threw in a couple more plugs for HotMovies.com. One guy said that he was physically ill listening to this. One guy asked how Joanne could think that her son wouldn't be embarrassed by her talking about sex and stuff. Howard talked to the porn girls who were there as well. He threw in a few more phone calls and one guy said that he'd give Mike more money if he cut his mom's tongue out. Bong Hit Eric called in and asked why she won't get on the Sybian. She was upset about the comments the other guy had just made about her and she didn't want to do it.
Howard tried talking to Joanne but she seemed to be rambling a bit. Howard told her to just sit on the Sybian and he'd give her a plug for her book. She said she wasn't that desperate. Dominic Barbara called in and joked that this is the segment that they're going to play when Mel Karmazin testifies later this week.
Jeff the Drunk called in and told Joanne that she's really annoying. She asked how she was annoying but Jeff didn't get a chance to answer. A woman called in and told her that she was annoying as well. Howard asked Stoya to get on the Sybian but she was on the rag so she didn't want to do it either.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Joanne she was proud of her. She told her to ride that Sybian but Joanne was still refusing to do it. Howard asked Mike if it was tough growing up with his mom. He said that a lot of his friends actually liked her a lot. She said there were some friends who really liked her and one of them was a kid by the name of Justin. Howard asked Mike if she talks all the time like that. He said she really does talk all the time.
Howard let one more woman get in a call. She told Howard that she decided not to have kids because she thought she'd be a bad parent but now realizes that maybe she wouldn't have been such a bad mom. Joanne went off on her for a short time and yelled at her about the comments. Howard wrapped up after that and thanked James for coming in with the girls and gave him another plug for HotMovies.com. Howard talked to the porn star girls a little more and then went to break
Steve Langford came in and gave his Howard 100 News preview. He ran down a couple of stories about the upcoming race that Robin will be involved with. He also mentioned that Lisa G has been asking for some postings to be removed from SFN lately. Jason came in and said that it's worse than just the negative postings being removed. She's been asking for them to remove the positive postings too. Lisa said that she has only called about 3 times to ask for stuff to be removed. Steve got in a plug for Jackie's Joke Hunt which airs tonight at 7 and Riley Martin's show which airs at midnight.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that there's one way to keep Artie awake there. He suggested an electric dog collar to snap him out of it.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show rundown. He mentioned the stuff that went on during the show and which stories they'll be covering. They'll be covering all of the major issues that came up on the show today. That led to Howard talking about Beth's girl crush and how he was once afraid that she was going to leave him for a dude she had to kiss in a TV show she shot.
Howard heard that Bubba was claiming that for the last week he and Heather have been in a fight and she's not even living with him. Robin hadn't heard that, she figured it was just a bit they were doing.
Captain Janks called in and said that he thinks that Robin had a crush on Bonnie Raitt once. Robin said that's not true. She did kind of have a little crush on Melissa Etheridge at one time but that has gone away. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Bubba told Howard that he and Heather had sex last night after watching one of their home videos. He said they role played in the tape and they watched that to get going. Bubba was also saying that he really likes titty fuckin because he likes the texture and the warmth. Bubba described how that all goes down and said that Heather holds those things together while he's screwing them. Howard said he wanted to know that Bubba was okay so that's why he wanted to call. Bubba said he's doing good.
Bubba said he did have to talk to Brent off the air yesterday because he was asking him to fire him yesterday. He said he's turned into a real prick lately though because he's involved with some fighting league. He said he had to pull him aside and have a talk with him.
Bubba asked Howard if he thinks Gary would say no to him if he asked him to have his wife have sex with his fiancee. Howard said he's pretty sure that Gary would let it happen. Bubba was having a discussion like that with Brent and Brent didn't think that it was right.
Robin said she had a question for Bubba about his wedding. She wanted to ask him about one of the Hogan family members. She said there was someone else with Hogan, his wife and kids. Bubba didn't know anything about it. That led to them talking about Hogan's offer to let Brooke go on a date with Spice Boy. Howard said he wouldn't want his daughter going out with that guy.
Bubba said that he was told to shut down his discussions about the XM/SIRIUS merger when he brought them up on his show. He said there are some people over at XM whose asses he's going to kick. He said that there are a couple of guys over there who have no respect for other people in the industry and he just thinks they should shut up. Howard let Bubba go a short time later but Artie tried to ask him one last question as he was hanging up. Artie wanted to know if he wanted to hang out down there when he goes down to do a comedy show.
Jeff asked when he was going to be invited down there next. Artie told him to just show up but that didn't work out so well the last time he did it. Howard said he'd check with Gary, he's sure they'll need him soon.
Fred was playing a bunch of Gilbert Gottfried audio clips during Robin's news so they ended up playing a prank call the guys made using Gilbert clips as well. Ralph called in a short time later to talk about American Idol with Howard. He was saying that they really need to just pick a good looking chick for once on that show. They spent a couple of minutes on that.
A caller told Howard how great the Gilbert laughs were earlier in the news and wanted Fred to compare Jackie's laughs with Gilbert's. Fred played both Gilbert and Jackie laughs and had the guy on the phone laughing quite a bit. Howard said you forget how great Jackie's laughs were. He told Fred to create Gilbert and Jackie at the Diary of Anne Frank play and had the two of them laughing like crazy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that XM sent out a newsletter to their subscribers and they mentioned the merger and how they were going to have Martha Stewart... but no mention of Howard Stern. Howard said that shows just how afraid of him they are. Robin thinks that they left him out because they're afraid that if the merger doesn't happen, people will realize what they're missing out on. Howard wrapped up the show a short time later, around 11:00am.
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Howard started off the show saying that he doesn't know much about the stock market but it looks like the end of the world according to some people. It had a bit of a crash yesterday and it took a nose dive because of something to do with China. Robin told him it was Japan, not China. Howard said he doesn't get the stock market and how it can all crash in one day like that. It's like gambling. Artie said that's exactly what it is. Howard said Sal used to be a stockbroker so he wonders if he could explain it to them.
Sal came in and said that everyone knows about as much as stockbrokers do. He said the market goes up, goes down, you can never tell what it's going to do. Howard told Robin to just imagine having Sal as your stockbroker. Sal said that this down in the market probably had to do with human emotion, that's it. He explained that there are people who claim to be able to predict the market crashing but it's just hit or miss.
Robin was wrong and corrected herself on the Japan thing. She said she was reading an article and it said it did have to do with some stuff in China. Howard said you see that and then read about the war we're in and how George W. Bush is going to leave this country bankrupt when he leaves office.
Howard said that Dick Cheney almost got blown up over in Iraq so that's pretty crazy. He said it's supposed to be a secret when he goes over there but they know he's coming in and try to blow him up. Howard said that they should have made sure that they just blew Afghanistan off the map after 9/11 instead of going into Iraq.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks he's a fag for double guessing Beth on the crush she has on that chick. Howard said he's going to try and arrange for Beth to meet that chick so he wondered why he was a fag. The guy was mumbling and annoying Howard so he hung up on him. He said he doesn't mind a guy calling him a fag but he should have some energy. Howard felt like he was stuck in boring conversation with a fucking asshole.
Gary came in and told Howard that he's trying to make the whole Beth thing happen. He spoke to someone over at Showtime and they might be able to get that woman booked on the show. Howard played a voice mail of Crazy Alice going off on him about the whole Beth thing they went over yesterday. She said that Howard is engaged to a lesbian and she's engaged to ''gay Howard.'' She figures that he wants to bang Brad Pitt.
Howard played another clip of Crazy Alice talking about how weird looking a baby would be if Howard and Beth had one together. She said that Howard should look in the mirror and realize how weird looking he is. She also went off on Joan Rivers and even Lisa G. Howard said Alice is a Wack Packer in the first degree.
Howard decided to replay the Wack Pack Feedback bit where a few of them gave their thoughts on what the new name should be for the company when XM and SIRIUS merge. Wendy the Retard suggested ''Jessica,'' Blue Iris suggested ''Howard Stern,'' Riley Martin suggested ''SIRIUM,'' King of all Blacks suggested ''Surge'' and Jeff the Drunk had no suggestion at all.
Howard and the guys talked about how Jeff the Drunk has to curse when he calls in. Howard went off on him but he admitted he has the same problem lately. Robin said she's been cursing a lot too and she's going to try and cut back. Artie said she doesn't do it all that much though and it's still shocking when she says it.
Howard had some other audio clips that he wanted to clear out. The next one was Wack Pack Feedback where some of the guys give their thoughts on Anna Nicole Smith's death. Jeff the Drunk, Eric the Midget, Riley Martin and Blue Iris all chimed in with their thoughts on Anna's death. Artie said he's up for any of those Wack Pack Feedback things because he likes hearing that Bad Company song they play.
Howard said that there was a Boston news reporter who screwed up Beth's name when he was talking about his engagement. The announcer said that Howard Stern was engaged to his girlfriend ''Anna Ostrosky.'' He played that clip and the reporter also talks about how Howard was married to Alison Berns for 20 years before their divorce in 2001.
Howard mentioned that Beth is going to be co-hosting The View sometime in the future. He doesn't have a date yet though. That led to him playing a clip from the show where the women were talking about Howard's engagement. Barbara got some applause when she congratulated Howard on the engagement. Barbara also said that she likes Howard. Joy Behar said she's not sure that certain people should be married. She said that Howard should be kind of leery about getting married again. Barbara talked about how nice he was when she saw him out at dinner one night. There was a lot of talking going on so Artie asked who is watching that show. He said it's a bunch of hens just cackling.
Howard had another morning show clip where this Mike and Juliette Huddy were talking about his engagement. Juliette claims that Howard helped her get her first job but Howard had no idea who she was. Howard started to play the clip and noticed that Mike says ''Lit'rally'' in a way that some of his friends have been saying it. He said he gets really annoyed by that because a couple of his friends have been doing it lately and he's asked them to stop. He got back to the audio clip and Juliette explained that she did a story about Howard and ended up getting her job after her boss had read the story.
Howard had another talk show clip where his engagement was discussed. The male host on the show did the story and then discussed it with his female co-host. She was saying she doesn't get how Howard gets hot chicks. The guy said that he's famous and rich and you don't need much more than that. Howard said all of these broads act like they wouldn't fuck him and suck him. He said the only reason this chick wouldn't do it is because he's never run into her. It was kind of odd because the hosts of the show knew why Beth had moved in with Howard even though they claimed not to be fans. Howard said he had even forgotten that Beth moved in after her ceiling collapsed in her apartment.
Howard found another audio clip where a personal trainer was talking about his engagement. They brought up the size of the diamond so Howard mentioned that there are some jewelry stores out there who want to look at the ring and put it down. She went shopping with a friend the other day and went to a jewelry store where the guy wanted to appraise the ring for her. Luckily she wasn't wearing the ring and told him that she didn't need it appraised.
Howard played the first clip in the game that Sal had put together. The first line from a movie was ''It's the dead nig*er in my garage.'' Artie knew that it was from ''Pulp Fiction.'' Howard got pissed that he didn't have an answer key for the game. Sal came in to tell them the answers and Howard wasn't too thrilled about that. He wanted the answer key instead of having Sal as the Answer key. Gary said he thought Howard liked when Sal was in there for his game. Gary said Sal never gave him the answer key but Sal claimed he had given it to him but he sent him in there anyway. Sal told Gary ''Get your shit together monkey!''
Howard played the next clip, ''What's up my nigga?'' and thought he knew the correct answer. He had no idea. Sal wasn't even sure but it was a clip from ''Rush Hour.'' Sal started to explain the scene from the movie and used the term ''Chink'' when he was describing Jackie Chan so Howard got upset with him about his constant racist comments.
The next clip was ''We're going to keep out the nig*ers.. The what? The nig*ers... we're going to keep them out... Gentlemen, you're talking to a nig*er!'' Everyone knew that was from ''The Jerk.'' Artie said he loves that movie and he owns the DVD. He told the guys about some other scenes from that movie that he loved.
Howard went through a few more audio clips and everyone was getting them right. Here are a few of the lines they played...
Artie did another scene from a movie that they didn't play a clip from. He was doing Aretha Franklin's lines from ''The Blues Brothers'' movie. Howard asked what's up with Artie, he's got some brain in him to remember all of that stuff. Artie told a story about his friend who ended up getting punched in the face by a nun when he was in school after he did something wrong in class. The nun had grabbed his hair and punched him about 15 times in a row while his other friend was watching. He was laughing his ass off while telling the story as he pictured his friend's Italian afro being held by a 60 year old Nun beating the shit out of him.
Howard wondered where all of the anger comes from with those nuns. The guys figured they don't get laid so they gotta take their anger out somehow. Artie told a story about how he had to go up in front of class and hold books out to the side with his arms out stretched. That led to Gary coming in and telling a story about getting beaten by a nun. He said he was at a communion thing and he went up to get a flower for this thing they were doing. The kid behind him stuck him with pin so he let out a yelp. He said that the nun, Sister Boogie (named because she picked her nose a lot), called him up to the front of the class and whacked his hand with a stick. He said he ended up crying in front of the class while his parents were taking pictures of him.
Artie told another story about how rude the nuns can be and how they'll beat the shit out of someone and then do the stations of the cross. Howard said he's so glad that James Cameron found the grave of Jesus and found the bodies in there. Artie said there's a great movie out there called ''Heaven Help Us'' and talked a little bit about that. Gary said that there's one character in the movie who can't stop jerking off through the whole movie.
The caller also said that Conan O'Brien did a bit on his show last night where they morphed Howard and Beth together to show what their baby might look like. Howard said he saw that but he thought the bit was kind of lame. He was hoping for a good laugh but the bit just wasn't all that funny. The caller also brought up how Howard was getting upset about people stealing ideas from his show when it's just the basic idea that he can't really complain about it. Howard said that 5th grader show is almost exactly what they've done with kids on the show competing against guests.
Howard said that after these shows come out, if they try to do one of those bits, it makes it look like they're ripping off those shows even though they've done them many times in the past. He said he doesn't give a shit and hung up on the caller.
Howard took another call from a woman who said that she ran into Artie when she was at the Borgata recently and he was very nice to her. She said that she was actually there to see the Gypsy Kings and not Artie. Howard wondered who that was and wondered who would go to see that. Fred played some of their stuff and Howard wondered who would go to see that crap. Gary told him to play their version of ''Hotel California'' so he did that. Artie said they play that song in ''The Big Lebowsky.'' Howard said he'd rather be in a Vietnamese prison camp with John McCain than go see that. The woman on the phone said she actually loved it even though she doesn't speak Spanish.
Artie said that he might be going down to the Borgata to see Frankie Valli with his mother. Howard didn't seem to have a problem with that though.
Howard interrupted and mentioned that George Takei is going to be sitting in as their announcer all next week. That led to Fred playing Kidd Chris' ''Sulu Dance'' song parody. Robin said she got an IM from Kidd Chris the other day and told her that they can't say ''dirt bag'' or ''douche'' on his show anymore on terrestrial radio. Howard gave Chris those words and gave him a couple of curses. Artie threw in a nice ''CUNT'' for him as well. He said they don't have to say ''Mike Hunt'' they can just say ''My CUNT!!!'' Robin was laughing her ass off as Artie was doing that.
Robin said she was watching a special where they were interviewing the guys from Air Supply and talked about how disturbing they look these days. Gary saw that special and said it really was sad to see.
Lloyd said that he's working for KGO radio out in San Francisco. He was also out in Sacramento for about 10 years doing some work there. He said that Lloyd used to be the fun weather guy on the Channel 9 news and now everyone is safe with their stuff. He said he always thought Lloyd was kind of alike a slow adult. That led to Howard talking to him about going to college and not finishing it. That made Howard think that he really is a slow adult and he is kind of challenged. He said Lloyd would always lose at cards and it just made him think he was slow.
Artie remembers seeing Lloyd doing those weather reports and he wouldn't mess around, he'd just yell out ''Get out the shovels!'' when they had a big snow storm coming in. Howard said he really thinks that Lloyd might be the most successful slow adult and he should embrace that. Howard knows that he's not so smart himself either but he figures that Lloyd has to have a lower IQ than he does. Howard figures he'd look like Steven Hawking next to Lloyd.
Artie said that Lloyd would always scare the shit out of the other people he worked with at channel 9. Lloyd mentioned that Sara Lee Kessler used to get annoyed with him. Artie told him that he was great and ''fuck her.''
Lloyd said that he's still married to the same woman he's been married to for many years. Howard asked him how old he is now. He's 65 years old now. Howard said they have to be paying him shit out in Bakersfield. Lloyd said he's having fun and enjoying what he's doing. He said Bakersfield is near Los Angeles but he's not seen there. Howard asked him if he's got enough money to retire. Lloyd said he doesn't want to retire. Howard told him it's got to get kind of old eventually though and no one is going to want to see him on TV eventually.
Artie said he had a buddy who thought Lloyd was a fruit so he's glad to hear that he's married with a kid. Lloyd said he's got a couple of daughters actually. Howard asked him about his hair and if he's got the grey thing going on. He said he gets it dyed by his hair stylist. He said he still doesn't wear make-up when he does his shows either.
Howard talked about how they wanted to get rid of Lloyd at channel 9 but he was the only identifiable person on the news so they kept him around. Lloyd said he thinks he had 12 one year contracts while he was there and that may have been the reason. Howard asked Lloyd if he had to take a big pay cut when he went to Bakersfield. Lloyd said that was the case but it's not all about money. Howard asked him if he's pulling down more than $50,000 a year. Lloyd said of course it's more than that. He said he's got 2 shows and he's been doing one of the shows for over 11 years. Artie figured that he's making over $125,000 a year. Lloyd wouldn't confirm or deny.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he went up to Lloyd at a baseball game and threw a beer in his face about 10 years ago. Lloyd didn't seem to remember that though. Howard told Lloyd he's glad he's working and he really liked him when he was around. Howard said Lloyd is always the way he is on the air and off so there is no break from that. Howard asked him if he would submit to an IQ test. Lloyd said he'd give it a shot but he doesn't think he'd do very well. He said he thinks he might be able to do okay and maybe get a 98 or 105 on the IQ test. Robin figured he'd be right above a slow adult if he took the test.
Lloyd said that he really stunk in school and didn't start doing well until he got into broadcasting. Lloyd told Howard how much he loves him and the rest of the guys on the show. He's been listening to them on SIRIUS for a while now. Howard said those old days with Lloyd on the news were really good. He wasn't just a slick, smooth guy like they have now. Howard told him that they'll work out the IQ test thing and have someone come out to administer the test to him.
Howard asked Lloyd if he can actually analyze a weather map and figure out the weather. Lloyd said he's not a meteorologist so he's not that educated, but he can do the weather reports. Howard wanted to ask him some general awareness questions. He asked him...
Gary said they found one of Lloyd's old weather reports on YouTube so they had the audio of that. Howard played the clip even though he wasn't sure why they were doing that. He said they were going to travel down memory lane with Lloyd with that. After that he wrapped up with Lloyd and Lloyd gave them one of his ''Helloooooooooo Hohokus'' things. Howard went to break after that.
Howard had Lisa G come in to do her Howard 100 news preview. Artie said he tried putting her jacket on this morning so he wondered how far Robin and Howard thought he might get. Robin said he'd be able to get half an arm in there. Howard said he couldn't fit into even one sleeve. Artie wanted to prove him wrong so he tried on the jacket. He wasn't able to get an arm in there at all. Howard tried to get the jacket on himself. He was able to get some of it on but his arms were so long that it wouldn't go on all the way.
Lisa said that Mel Karmazin will be down in Washington DC talking about the merger between XM and SIRIUS. Howard said that the merger should go through and if it doesn't, there's something political going on. There's really no logical reason why it shouldn't happen. He had Robin ask him some questions as if he were Mel. She asked him about the monthly fees and if they could hurt the consumer. Howard didn't know how to answer that. He told her to ask another question. Then he did give an answer and said that people don't have to buy that stuff, it's up to them, so it's not a service they have to have.
Lisa said that Siobhan is on CraigsList and trying to get dates through there. She said that Siobhan has had a couple of dates through there and she will describe some of them on the news. Lisa G said that George Takei is going to be appearing on another NBC show in April so they'll be talking to him about that. They'll have that and more on Howard 100 News all day long.
Howard said that they're going to be doing this ''Battle of the Blobs'' contest with some of the big guys on the show and they're going to be playing for $20,000 in this weight loss challenge. Artie said he doesn't like that they're going to be teamed up because he can effect someone else's team work. Howard said it will become an individual thing later on. Artie said that kind of money doesn't mean all that much to him and if he wants to eat at night, he's going to eat.
Gary said that Artie has been telling him for months that he wanted to lose weight and this is the push he needs. Artie said he doesn't want to have an effect on other people though. Gary said they're going to have 8 guys but they haven't decided on exactly who it will be yet. They're having Cabbie in on Monday to apologize for the whole sex tape thing so he may be part of it as well.
Howard and Robin started off saying hello to Gary. Then Artie said hello, Gary said hello, Fred said hello... Howard then said hello again, Artie said it a few more times. Then JD came in and said hello. Baba Booey said it again. Then Isaac from Howard TV said hello. Then Artie and Robin said it again. Scott the Engineer came in and said hello, then Fred said it again. Richie the installer to the stars said it. Doug Goodstein came in and said hello. Artie said it again. Baba Booey said it again, so did Doug Goodstein. They kept going around in circles saying hello over and over. They'd bring in a new person once in a while like Tim Sabean, Jon Hein, Ronnie the Limo Driver and others.
Fred even pretended to be on the phone. Howard did the same thing, then Robin got in on that and goofed on him a little bit. Brian Phelan came in and said hello. Artie passed him a note that said hello. Baba Booey said hello again, so did Fred... from the Moon this time. Gary the Retard had no idea what was going on and would say hello right back to everyone, multiple times. Howard asked him if he was going to ever stop saying hello. Gary just laughed. Ralph called in and said hello a couple of times. Howard wanted to end the hellos since they had gone on for almost 10 minutes.
Howard asked Gary if he dyes his hair. Gary said he had to because his hair was turning so grey. He said his niece did it for him. Howard said it's jet black on the top and grey on the sides. Howard wondered why he'd do that when he doesn't care enough to have front teeth put in. Howard asked him about his pubes and found that they're red down there. Howard asked about the false teeth and found out he doesn't wear them because they hurt his mouth.
Howard told Gary that they had some people who stopped by to say hello to him. The first person was President Bush (Richard). Gary had no idea that it was Richard so he played along and said he doesn't even know who that is. The next person was Jesus but Gary said he had no idea who that was either. Jesus was actually Sal in a costume. Sal talked to Gary for a minute and told him why they hate the Jews. After that they had President Abraham Lincoln and Gary had no idea who he was either. Richard was playing that part as well. Howard gave Gary some history about Abe Lincoln. Abe told Gary he was very happy to have met him today. Next up was Osama bin Laden. They told Gary he's the guy who blew up the World Trade Center. Sal was playing that part and claimed to be the ''king of the sand nig*ers.'' He also demanded that Gary smell him because he smelled like piss. He went over and tried to make Gary kiss him but Gary spit out after that went on.
Howard told Gary that the Retarded Flu was there to see him. Richard came in as the Retarded Flu and scared Gary. Flu told Gary that he was going to be shitting out his birthday cake later because he was going to get sick. Gary started yelling out ''Shoo, shoo retarded flu'' which killed him off. Gary said that the flu has been following him to every state he goes to. Richard woke up again so Gary yelled out ''Shoo, shoo retarded flu'' again and killed him for a second time. Richard came to life once again and said the wanted to suck Gary's cock. Gary killed him with his comments again. Gary told the Flu to get out of there but Flu wanted to suck his cock. They went back and forth on that having Gary yelling out ''Shoo, shoo retarded flu'' time after time. Howard said this was pretty exciting.
Howard asked Gary about the girlfriend he had and how he lied about having sex with her. Gary said he did lie about that and he never did get sex from her. He said that he had to chase her away by threatening to call the cops on her. She was looking to get some of his checks that he gets from the government. He said he handed over some of his money to her but she would never have sex with him so he put a stop to it. Howard told Gary that he had a couple of nice young ladies coming in to possibly date him. He told him that he could go to lunch with the one he likes best.
Howard introduced the girls. Girl number 1 was ''Benshe'' which was Benjy doing his girl voice. Benjy put on a voice and said that she thinks that Gary should be called Gary the Beautiful Retard. The second girl was Willomina which was actually Will dressed up as a chick. Gary said he liked both girls. The girls tried convincing him to pick them. Benshe was saying that she would blow him and she'd use her hand a lot. She also said that she swallows and she would love to have his retarded juices in her mouth.
Willomina said that she would start kissing him between his thighs and move her way up to his retarded balls. Howard asked Gary which girl he liked best so far. Gary wasn't sure but he eventually went with Benshe. Willomina offered to give him a lap dance but Gary wasn't sure about that. Benshe then asked if they wanted to see the two girls kiss. He was laughing when he said it. They didn't do it though.
Benshe went over to Gary and sat next to him on the couch. She dropped her pants on her way over there. Gary was holding her hand so Howard told Gary that Benshe was going to show him something. Benshe stood up and told him he had a deformed vagina and showed Gary his penis. Howard told Gary that was actually Benjy and the other one was Will. Gary laughed and asked Benjy how he's doing and said he scared the shit out of him. He called him a stupid asshole. Benjy asked Gary if he would still go to lunch with him. Gary said no.
Howard told Gary that Will had a full beard during that bit and he can't imagine why he didn't notice that. He said Benjy looked kind of like a girl but Will looked nothing like one. Gary kept saying that Benjy had scared the shit out of him when he showed him his cock. Artie was trying to play catch with Gary and throwing stuff at him while Howard and Robin were trying to talk to him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he spit coffee all over his windshield. He said Artie was killing him. The guys continued to goof on him about the Retarded Flu thing. Gary let out a few more ''Shoo, shoo retarded flu'' comments. Richard got on Baba Booey's mic in his office and told Gary that he was in his headphones and then in his underwear. Richard told him he was going to infect his cock and then moved to Benjy's boobs. While all of that was going on, Artie said he was picturing Mel Karmazin getting ready to testify to keep this stuff on the air.
Howard had the guys bring in a cake for Gary. He tried to blow out the candles but he wasn't able to blow them out. He eventually blew them out but they lit back up again... and again, and again. Gary told them to get them out of there before they lit up again but tried blowing them out over and over. Artie went over and tried to light up a cigarette from the candles. Howard asked Gary if he smokes cigarettes. Gary said he didn't but Artie said that he's seen him smoking like a retarded chimney.
Howard asked Gary if he's still working. Gary said he is and he gets to clean up the parking lot and stuff like that. Howard asked the guys if they were actually doing something for his birthday while he was there. Baba Booey said he'd try to figure something out for him. Howard said he was going to give him some money so he can have a nice birthday meal. Benjy said that he would like to take him out on a serious date. Howard told him he doesn't want him goofing on him if he does go out. Benjy said he wouldn't do anything and would just take him out for a fun time.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Willomina was killing him just thinking about how he looked with the full beard. Benjy said that Will would look great as a chick without the beard. Everyone sang Happy Birthday to Gary as they were wrapping up with him.
Howard got down to the 30s and said that some of them belong above Opie and Anthony because they beat them in the ratings. Howard said Curtis and Cuby beat those guys and even Imus beats Opie and Anthony in the ratings. Howard said the list is meaningless. Bubba the Love Sponge wasn't on the list at all and only got an honorable mention after the top 100 list. Howard said that Bob and Tom are at number 60 and they've been doing radio forever. He also saw some other shows like the Tom Leykis show which was way down on the list. Artie said that he tried listening to Don and Mike one time and the show was really just awful. He said he wasn't just saying that either, he just thought the show was awful. Howard thought that Don and Mike was actually Mike and the Mad Dog show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Mancow had this plan to go all over the country with his show after becoming huge in Chicago. Now he's been booted off the air there and he's trying to find a new place to broadcast from. He's also saying that now he wants to clean up the airwaves instead of doing the dirty shows that they used to do. Howard talked about how he went into Chicago and beat Mancow in the ratings and he did that in just about every market he went into.
Howard said he didn't get a lot of gifts for the engagement. It was Bubba and a couple of others. He was also saying that some of Beth's friends wanted to throw her a party but she thinks that's kind of gay and she doesn't want to do that.
Howard said that JD sent him an e-mail asking him to be the co-planner in the bachelor party planning. Howard told him that's fine but it means nothing. JD finds it to be very important to him but he's not even sure why. JD has no idea what his job will be or why he even wants it but he wanted to make sure he was in on it before anyone else did. Ronnie said he doesn't just call Lonnie and have him set it up either. He said he has to go there and scope out the chicks they want for the party. Ronnie said JD came to him the morning of the engagement and asked him if he could be his assistant.
JD said he knows that it's a stupid thing. He didn't care though. Howard told him he's probably going to end up being the coat checker at the party. Ronnie told a story about JD falling in love with a stripper at Scores the other night. He started to tell the story but he got cut off by Artie who once had to set up a bachelor party for a guy. He said it was a ton of work to make it all happen. Howard said his party is different, it's just a Scores party. The funny part of the story is that JD wants to be Ronnie's assistant in all of that.
Ronnie said he told JD to get Howard's approval on the whole thing and he actually did that. Then he got the ok from Howard and he came back to him and told him that he had gotten it. Ronnie was goofing on JD about that a little bit.
Howard asked about this chick that JD is in love with. Ronnie said she's really hot and Richard said he saw him there yelling out for her to come back after she ran off to dance for someone else. Ronnie said on Friday night the chick did a dance for him and then got up and went to work. JD was moping in a corner because she wasn't there and another girl, a black chick, came over to him and touched his leg or something so now he's in love with her. Howard said there's rarely black chicks at strip clubs but Ronnie told him that they have about 15 of them over at the West side Scores.
Gary said he'd like to get a dance from a black chick but Brian Phelan always takes them before he gets the chance. Artie said that Brian is like the Robert De Niro of the Scores parties. Howard told the guys that he may not even go to his own bachelor party. Gary said that it's not even about him, he should go because of what he's done to everyone else over the years when he's told them not to get married.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said the last thing he thinks of when he thinks about JD is ''party.'' He said JD has nothing to bring to the table with that stuff and he can't imagine why he'd want to be part of the planning.
The guys asked JD about his porn star girlfriend and found out he's still kind of with her but he doesn't go out and visit her or anything. They were on vacation last week and he could have flown out but he didn't bother. Gary said he would even pay for his flight if he wanted to go. Richard said he was watching one of her videos the other day and she was with this really buff, chiseled guy and it was funny to see that. He showed it to JD and JD was disgusted by the whole thing.
Howard let the guys go and said he's really not feeling the whole bachelor party thing. The guys told Howard that he forced everyone else to do them so he should do it himself.
Howard and the guys got sidetracked when they were talking about Garry Shandling putting out a documentary about the show he did for HBO. He went back and interviewed a bunch of the people he worked with back on that show. They talked about how much money they think he must have made from that and doing his road gigs. They also threw Jerry Seinfeld's name in there and talked about the money he was making. Fred said that Shandling also wrote for a bunch of sitcoms and he probably made a lot of money doing that.
Ralph said that they once had Shandling's girlfriend Linda almost naked in a pool at a hotel they were staying at.
Gary came in and told Howard that he should play the Mr. Blackwell interview. That guy is really old and he was at this event that Garver went to. Howard played that clip where Garver asked Mr. Blackwell to describe Howard Stern in one word. Mr. Blackwell took a few seconds to come out with ''Unbelievable.'' He was also asked how many people he's slept with. He said about 200 men and women. Garver asked him if anal sex is part of his life. Mr. Blackwell cut him off there and told him that he looks better than his questions. The guys were kind of
Garver interviewed Florence Henderson and asked her what her favorite curse word was. She wouldn't say it but she was hinting at ''shit.'' Garver also asked her if she thinks TV is too dirty these days. She said she would be nervous about letting her children watch some of the stuff on TV. Garver asked her about what celebrity she would kill if she could. She joked that it was Howard but said she was just kidding.
Garver got an interview with Daniel Baldwin so Howard played that one as well. Daniel told Garver that he's 97 days sober and just got out of rehab. He explained what he went through a little bit and then said he didn't know what Howard was up to because he doesn't have ''that radio station.'' Garver then asked him which one of his brother's he'd bang if he had to. Daniel jokingly said he'd fuck himself in the ass.
Garver got an interview with Gary Busey. Garver asked him if he's accomplished everything he wanted to in his life. Busey said he's got a lot more to do and it's not over even when you're dead. Garver also asked him what kind of drugs he's tried. Busey said he wanted to plead the 5th on that one. When Busey found out that Garver was from the Stern show he started rambling a little bit and said he would never pin Robin on the floor again like he did one time.
Howard said he saw that the guy Steve Carell from the 40 Year Old Virgin is going to be doing a Get Smart movie next. He's not so sure that would work but Fred thought he'd be good in it. Artie said that guy is kind of this generation's Steve Martin in the way he does that type of comedy so he might just work out.
An intern came in and told Howard he saw it first hand and saw her hands on Scott's shoulders. Howard said that she does have to stand behind him a lot so maybe she was just resting her hands on his shoulders. Rachel said she really isn't doing anything and she will take a lie detector test to prove she's not.
Steve got back to his report and said that they will have more about Lisa G and her requests to have certain posts removed from SternFanNetwork because they talk about her. They've been posting all kinds of stuff about her after finding out she's asked to have things removed from the site. They'll also have a report about a new Stern web site called SternSpin.com.
Jon Hein gave a rundown of today's upcoming Wrap Up Show. He ran down the big stories that happened on the show today and said they'll be talking about all of that today. After that Steve the Intern gave a rundown of what they had coming up on The Intern Show tonight. Howard then had Robin start her news.
Howard read some mail about Beth's girl crush. Some people said that Howard doesn't have anything to worry about. There are others who think that she wants to experiment with chicks though. Howard said he knows she's not leaving him but it's weird and he doesn't understand it.
Howard got some feedback about the black guy who was on yesterday talking about the tension between the light skinned and dark skinned blacks. One person wrote in and said that they're all the same to him. He read through some other mail about the mother and son who were playing It's Just Wrong. Some people really didn't like her on the show. Artie said that he listened to the show again yesterday and that chick really was annoying. He said she wasn't so bad in the studio but on the radio it was awful.
Robin got back to her news and went through a bunch of stories before Gary came in and asked Howard some questions about American Idol. They ended up talking about that show for a few minutes and how annoying Ryan Seacrest is. They also talked about Quincy Jones getting cut off on last night's show when he was asked a question. Howard wrapped up a short time later and ended the show around 10:35am.
Howard started off the show talking about how jam packed it was going to be. They have Martin Rothblatt coming in to talk about creating satellite radio. She was born a man but had a sex change operation. Howard said they'll talk to her about that. They also have Dice Clay coming in because his TV show is starting soon. Artie said he just signed a release for that show. Howard said he's in it as well.
Howard said they have a million things to do on the show. He replayed a phony phone call that Richard made recently. In the call he cuts out his voice like a bad cell phone call. He then asks the guy a bunch of sex questions but the guy thinks that he's asking about his yard sale items.
Howard said he had some clips from Riley Martin's show that aired Tuesday night. He had a ton of clips on his computer and couldn't believe how many there were. He got sidetracked when he said he saw Mel testifying in front of congress yesterday. He explained why Mel was down there in Washington to explain the merger between XM and SIRIUS. He said the guy from the NAB was really annoying with his arguments against the merger. Howard said someone wrote that if the NAB is so against it, it must mean that it's going to be good for consumers if it does go through.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was watching Mel testifying on C-Span and he was kind of upset about the way that Mel went into his argument. He thinks that terrestrial radio is just as much of a monopoly as satellite radio would be so he shouldn't have to argue that point. Howard said he's not sure how much those congressmen can absorb because they have their own agendas and so many other things on their minds. He said that the NAB doesn't want anything to change and they're going to do what they can to keep it that way.
Howard said that no one is forcing anyone to bye satellite radio so the argument is ridiculous that they're going to be a monopoly. The caller was upset about the NAB's arguments against Mel. He wanted Howard to get fired up and go after ''them.'' Howard said the best favor he can do is keep his mouth shut in all of that because his name is constantly being brought up during those hearings. Howard did an impression of one guy talking about how he's never heard satellite radio and asking if they really pay Howard Stern that much money.
Howard said there was one congressman, Wiener, who got what was going on and said that this is not a monopoly to have XM and SIRIUS merging. Howard said he was glad that someone got it. Robin was saying that regular radio will be around forever because when the Chinese knock all of the satellites out of the sky, people will have to tune in to hear regular radio.
The caller asked Howard to play some Jack and Rod stuff so Howard found one of Sal and Richard's more recent Jack and Rod bits. He had one where Crackhead Bob was playing the part of Kirk Douglas while they were talking to some authors about their book about celebrities. They thought they were really talking to Kirk and went along with it until they realized that Bob was cursing and making sexual references. The husband of the woman on the phone knew that they were goofing on them but the woman had no idea that he was making references to his cock and stuff.
Artie said his favorite part of that call was when Bob said something about her pussy and she thought he was talking about her poetry and Bob says ''Yeaaaaahh!''
Howard said that would be kind of like having Gary the Retard in when Stephen Hawking is in. Siobhan said she just wants to talk to her and get some insight into her life. She said it's like meeting a very important person. Fred went into his Siobhan impression and goofed on the stuff she might ask Martine if she was there. Siobhan talked about riding the Sybian with Martine but that's not going to happen.
Gary said that Martine would think that they were goofing on her if they had Siobhan in there. Siobhan said this would be like Artie meeting Don Rickles but Artie told her that's a completely different thing. Gary told Siobhan that maybe she could come in to meet Dr. Renee Richards when she comes in. That's the kind of hero that she should have. Howard said they don't need to subject any of their guests to Siobhan. Siobhan thought that was very mean of Howard to do that to her. She said she wants to build up her esteem by meeting people like that and she thinks that they should help her with that. Gary said they don't owe her anything though.
Gary said that Siobhan wants to have a face to face with Howard but Howard said that's not happening. Howard figures that her hand is out waiting for something. She said that wasn't the case but Gary kind of made it sound like that's what it was going to be about. Siobhan said she really needs to talk to him about something. Gary said that the end result will be asking for something. She said there's something very important that she wants to talk to him about but it has to be off the air. Howard said he knows that it's going to be something that he needs or wants from him. He did his impression of her and said she's going to ask for money or a job or something. She insisted that it wasn't about that.
Siobhan said that Howard has more money than god and asked if he's going to take it to hell when he dies. Howard and Gary pointed out that they were right, she was going to ask for money. Howard told her that he can't do that off the air because Beth is jealous of her. Siobhan said she didn't believe that. Gary asked her if she's ever had a sit-down meeting with Howard at all. She said back in 1987 she did when she sat in on some writing meetings. No one remembered anything like that. Fred said he really didn't remember anything like that. Howard said he won't even have lunch with Scott the Engineer so he's not going to have a meeting with Siobhan.
Gary said that Siobhan has a lot of personal problems and she wants to talk to Howard about it. Howard and the guys said that they all have personal problems. Howard said when you chop off your cock of course you're going to have personal problems. He asked Siobhan how old she was. She refused to answer so Gary said she's like 48-50. She just laughed.
Siobhan said she needs to get some answers from Howard. Howard said that he's just a radio host that she listens to and he's not a personal friend. He kept saying no to her but she wouldn't take no for an answer. She said she really needs some answers from Howard about some stuff. Robin said that Howard isn't in her life and he's not going to be the solution to her problems. Siobhan said that she thinks that Howard might be able to help her with her problems so that's why she's asking. Howard said he's still saying no to her.
Siobhan said that she can't get a job because of her lifestyle. She claims that she's had jobs before but now she can't find one. She wants to talk to Howard about that and she's not asking him for a job. She said she has some questions for Howard but it's not about a job. Gary said that she is looking for money though because she did talk about that with him and Jason. Siobhan said that there is other stuff she wants to talk about though. Gary said that Howard isn't an expert in the area she wants to talk to him about. She said she really can't talk about it on the air so this isn't working out.
Gary said Siobhan e-mailed him and said that Siobhan wants to help put together the Haydn Porter slumber party. She's also looking to do some other stuff for the show and do some commercial stuff there at SIRIUS. She said that wasn't even in the show, that was for SIRIUS. She also offered to be Fred's sparring partner. By that point Howard told her that he had to stop this conversation. He told her that she's a great guy and he invites her to be part of the show but that's all he can do. He let her go a short time later and said he'd have Gary talk to her.
Howard said he really can't help her out with her problems and he had nothing to do with whatever problems they are. Artie thinks that if Howard did give her money, she'd be back in 4 months asking for even more. Howard said her brother put up the money for her sex change operation and she's been unable to pay back the loan. Artie didn't remember that. He said that's insane!
In another Riley clip a caller asked if there was any relation between the aliens and Big Foot. Riley said that on the mother ship there is a forest that they use to create oxygen and he did see some hairy creatures in there when he was aboard the ship. Riley's partner asked him if he thinks that there could be some creatures out there like the apes in Planet of the Apes. Riley said he's seen many types of people in his travels and it is possible. There are some people out there who are blue skinned and fish people so anything is possible.
Howard said Riley is pretty good at what he does but he hasn't figured out a good way to make money. Artie heard from Jim McClure that Riley is selling enough of his ''symbols'' to pay his rent. Howard went into a prank call that Sal and Richard made using clips of Riley's voice. The guy had no idea what Riley was talking about and eventually hung up on him a couple of times.
Howard played another call that Sal made to a Chinese woman where he asked her to translate something that his friend was saying. It was Riley saying some of his Biahvian lines like ''O-Qua Tangin Wann'' and stuff like that. She didn't understand a word he was saying of course. Robin wondered if Riley has calmed down since the last time he called in and complained about the pay he was getting. Howard wasn't sure and said that's another guy he wouldn't want to meet with.
Howard talked a little bit about how he has his own problems to deal with in his personal life and really can't deal with Siobhan's issues. Artie said that even when one of the guys on the show wants to meet with him, it doesn't happen. Robin said that Siobhan thinks that they don't need Howard's help like she does.
Gary said that his parking charges are like $350 a month and he tips the guy about a buck every day. Sal went down and interviewed the parking attendant and that guy said that Gary is very cheap. The guy said Gary has a nice car and he's very cheap, just giving them a dollar each day. Howard said that's kind of rude and giving the guy a buck a day is pretty good. Gary said he will sometimes tell the guy he'll catch him the next day if he doesn't have a dollar on him. He said he doesn't have time to stick around and converse with them.
Robin said that she must have tipped very well at Christmas because they wanted to meet with her personally after they got their money. Gary said that they actually mark you off on a list of people when you tip at Christmas time. Howard said that's a fleecing like he's never heard before. He thought that was kind of ridiculous.
Artie told Riley to go to YouAreCrazy.net. Howard told Riley to step out of that rant for a few seconds. He wanted to talk to him seriously. He said that Riley is so crazy that he thinks Mel will meet with him and try to get him to negotiate for him. Riley said that he and Mel really have to meet so he can get some money out of that company. He also said he wanted to talk to Mel about how well he did testifying. Howard said the odds of Mel sitting down with him are about a zillion to one. Riley said he thinks that Mel is rational enough to sit down and talk to a valuable property like himself.
Howard said that Riley really thinks that he spoke to aliens and now he thinks that he's going to be able to talk to Mel Karmazin. Howard said this guy is out of his mind. Riley went off on Howard and said that they don't give him any numbers as far as the kind of audience he generates. He's kind of upset about that. Howard told Riley that he'll schedule that meeting in right after his meeting with Siobhan.
Howard thanked Riley for the call and Riley told him ''Fuck you very much...'' Howard then asked him if they could really power the whole city on a glass of water. Riley said that if they could release the power of a glass of water, yes. Riley asked to speak to Tim Sabean so Howard told Tim to come in there so they could do that on the air.
Tim Sabean came in so Riley said that he has 3 more shows to do with them but he needs to have a face to face meeting with him to go over his contract. He said he won't drive into the city unless he has someone who can make the decisions there. Riley wants to get more money out of them and he always brings up how much Howard is making when he's trying to negotiate. He told Tim to figure out what Howard's bonus is going to be and go from there.
Howard said that maybe they could do a long term contract with Riley next time so they don't have to go through this stuff. Riley said that he doesn't want to drive into the city and pay $50 to park there and have to give a $10 tip to ''Guido'' there. Tim told Riley that they could do this over the phone and save a lot of aggravation. Riley thinks that they need to do it face to face. Tim said that driving into the city and paying for parking might eat into his increase quite a bit.
Riley didn't want to talk about this stuff on the air so Howard and the guys were goofing on his negotiating tactics. Howard told Tim to pay Riley in Symbols. Tim said he has one of Riley's symbols hanging on his wall and he thinks he's helped him sell some more. Riley said no one has bought them thanks to them.
Riley said that he's on the same team as them and he's looking forward to this merger going through. He went on to ask Tim not to put this stuff on the air. He said he thinks he's always civil and he's not trying to scam them out of money or anything. Riley was upset with the way Robin was making him seem like some kind of house Negro. That led to Howard saying that they've banned the N-word in the city because black people can't even control it. The word wasn't banned yet so Riley let out a bunch of them just for the hell of it.
Howard told Riley he had to get going so he let him off the phone after Tim said he'd talk to him later on today. Robin said she loves when Riley is in negotiations. It's her favorite time of the year. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard got Bill on the phone and asked him if he ever beat off. Bill said he used to but he used to do a lot of things that were wrong. He cheated on his wife and went to jail for insider trading. He said for the past 20 years he's been living a clean life and not doing any of that stuff. He said that he found Jesus and now his life has changed. Howard asked him what he thinks about the body they found that's supposed to be Jesus'. Bill said that's not his body, it would go against the word of God if it was. He started going on and on about God and Jesus so Howard asked him if he's against science. He said he's really not and science supports his beliefs.
Howard said that this guy doesn't know for a fact that anyone rose from the dead, it's just some book that some guy wrote that makes him believe that. Bill said that there were historians who supported that whole thing. Fred said that the bible was written 200 years after his death so there was no one around who could have remembered it. Bill argued that they did know what happened and tried to explain it to them.
Howard cut him off and asked him if those calls that Richard and Sal do drive him nuts. He said he's just glad they're watching because they will never go to church and he figures they're seeing some stuff that they usually wouldn't see or hear. He went on to say that he's not in that business to make money and he hasn't made as much in 19 years as a minister as he did when he was working other jobs for just a year.
Howard asked Bill about cheating on his wife and what went on there. Bill said that he was doing that in his first marriage but that was a long time ago. He's married again so Robin asked him if he's an adulterer. He wouldn't say he was and Howard told her to give him a break on that. Bill said when he was making money he was running around like he ran the world and that just wasn't right. He said when he had money he thought he could do just about anything he wanted. He talked about some of the women he had on the side and said that they were just your run-of-the-mill girls. He didn't have any threesomes or anything like that.
Bill asked Howard if he's ever committed a sin or not. Howard said he doesn't believe that he has. He said that his view of the world is different than this guy's. Bill wanted to know what's going to happen to him when he dies. Howard said he's going to lay in a box and that's it. Nothing else is going to happen. They were also talking about homosexuals and Howard told Bill he believes that homosexuals are born gay while Bill told him he's buying into a lie then.
Howard said he believes that Bill has some gay people in his family somewhere. Bill said he does, he has a lesbian cousin. Howard continued to defend homosexuals and said that if Bill was gay, he wouldn't want to him to cover it up because he should be free to do stuff like that if he wants. Bill said that people are not born gay and tried to argue with Howard about that.
Howard said that if Bill ever had his way he would probably want to see homosexuals flogged and beaten. Bill said that's not true and he has helped homosexuals out with his preaching. Artie told Bill that God created homosexuals and the problem with Bill is that he just can't accept that. Bill said that's not true, ''God didn't create Adam and Steve, God created Adam and Eve.'' He said that two men can't have a baby but Howard shot back saying that there are some heterosexual couples who can't have kids either. He asked Bill if they should be killed too.
Artie asked Bill if he thinks that he and Howard could just decide to be gay. Bill seems to think that could happen. Bill was saying that he believes that Oprah Winfrey is evil and that she's preaching all kinds of nonsense to her sheep and she's one of the most dangerous people on earth. Howard said he might have to agree with him there.
Howard gave Bill a plug for his web site LivePrayer.com. Bill said that if there are any fans out there who need help, send them his way. Robin said that they should hook him up with Siobhan. Howard thought that was a good idea. He said he's going to keep his web site right there to pass along to anyone like that. Artie also suggested to have him talk to George Takei next week when he's in.
Artie said that Benjy wanted to say something but Bill was already gone. The guys noticed that Benjy still had eye make-up on from yesterday's show. Benjy said he just can't get it off but he's been trying since yesterday. Will's was also stuck on his eyes. Howard cut them off and played some audio of Sal and Richard calling into Bill Keller's TV show.
Richard came in and said that he's been looking for those refills and he can't find them. Howard told him he can't be that stupid to not just buy a tube of toothpaste. He said he's trying to find those refills. Robin also told him that since he left his temporary tooth out, the replacement tooth might not fit now. Artie said he couldn't believe they were having this conversation with a 32 year old guy. Artie told him that this is a workplace and he should be taking care of his teeth better.
Howard told Richard that he brushes his teeth a few times a day, sometimes 4 or 5 times a day because he likes to feel fresh. Gary said he's been telling Richard to just give up on the toothbrush refills and just go get some toothpaste. Artie got all freaked out and said he really can't believe they're having this conversation.
Fred asked Richard if he washes his hands after going to the bathroom. Richard said that's one thing he does all the time. He got into that habit when he was living at home because they had dogs with weird sores on them and stuff like that. Howard wanted to get off that subject and move on with the show. Then he heard that Richard thought that he had nose cancer or something. Gary said that Richard went to Will and told him that he might be joining his ''club'' and said he might just have cancer.
Richard said he got a sore on his nose and it hasn't gone away for a long time now. He went and had it biopsied and he should know in a few weeks if it's cancerous. Sal came in and told Howard about how much Richard picks his nose and wipes it on his jeans. Richard said he's been wiping it in tissues lately but he loves pulling out those boogers. He said he loves doing that when he wakes up in the morning.
Howard took some calls and one guy said that it's time to get rid of this guy. Artie said he couldn't stop looking at what Richard was touching. Ralph called in and said that they really do need to get Richard out of there already. He's too much of a mess. He thinks that Richard is retarded and asked him what's the matter with him. Ralph said that even Gary the Retard doesn't wipe his boogers on his jeans.
Howard said that Richard likes to touch his taint and smell it. Richard said he loves doing that but he only does it in his bathroom. Howard had to get off of that subject so he moved on.
Gary said he knows that Jon Hein wants to be in it as well. Cabbie is also on the list but Gary wasn't sure if they wanted to have him on. He said he got a note from Cabbie saying that he's gained 100 pounds after getting out of jail. Howard said that Cabbie should be in from a comedy stand-point. Richard asked about High Pitch but no one wanted him in it. They wanted to keep it to the guys who are there (other than Cabbie). Brian Phelan wanted to be in on it but Howard thought he looked too good. Mike Gange is pretty big though so he might be in. Brian said he wanted to be in it because he's 250 pounds. Howard said they don't want a thin guy in the competition.
Howard asked about Gange but Brian said ''fuck him.'' Jason is another one on the list and he really needs to lose weight so he might be in on it. Howard told Brian that he might be out. Mike Gange might have to be in on it because he would probably have a harder time losing it.
Howard said that Joey Boots was trying to get in on it too but Gary wanted to keep it to the guys there... except for Cabbie. Doug Goodstein said that Cabbie is never there though so he doesn't deserve it. Doug thinks that they should take Brian over Cabbie. Howard said that Gange is in. Gary wondered how they're going to pick teams. They decided to go with teams and picked Tim Sabean and Artie as the team leaders. Jason asked him to please not pick him for his team because he really wants to win.
Tim came in and picked Jon Hein for his team. Artie made his first pick of Cabbie because he owes him a fuck over for some money that Cabbie owes him. Tim picked Jason so he was very happy about that. Artie went with Benjy for his next pick. Jason said he thinks that team is going to gain weight. Artie said that Benjy might just balance him out because he's going to go nuts with gaining weight over the weekend and then will probably lose a ton.
Gary went through the list of team members and they were...
Howard took a call from Joey Boots who said that he should have the right to be in that contest more than Cabbie would. Gary said they could add 2 more people and put Boots and Phelan in there. Boots said he would so be there to get weighed in if he was in it. Artie said it would be funny if they did that. They decided to go with two more people in the contest so they added Boots and Phelan to the list. They had to put them on teams so they asked Tim who he wanted. Artie picked Boots since Tim wasn't in there. Boots sounded very happy that he was getting in on that and he's going to do what he can to lose as much as possible. Howard went to break after that.
Martine said that she loves her wife and she will love her forever. He has never had a man inside of her and she has no desire for that. Howard asked her how often she has sex. She said she's not sure his listeners want to hear that and didn't answer.
Martine said that she was a very regular kid and never thought this stuff would happen. He said that he did see that satellite dishes were going to get smaller and smaller and eventually fit on the roofs of cars though. He did pretty well in school but didn't get super great SAT scores or anything like that. Howard said she figured out that she could create small satellite dishes that could fit on the roofs of cars. That eventually led to her creating SIRIUS satellite radio which was the first satellite radio company. He said that he used to do other things like tracking trucks with satellite and stuff like that.
Martine said that the dream started when he went to meetings where he'd tell these people that they could do this whole satellite thing but he was told to go away because it was going to be an impossible thing to do. He eventually found a guy who believed in what he wanted to do. He said he told this guy that they could spread their music out throughout the country if they went with the satellite thing. That led to them starting a satellite company back in the 1980s. That was called PanAmSat and it was eventually bought for several billion dollars.
Howard said that Martine was able to figure out the way they could have the satellites doing a figure 8 up in the sky so they could keep the signal going with cars driving around. He said he came up with that after thinking about satellites all the time. Martine said he came up with the SIRIUS thing and tried to get that up and running but he ran up against the NAB and they were actually calling him the anti-Christ and saying that they couldn't do this whole thing.
Martine said that the NAB has been trying to stop satellite radio for over 20 years now. They're the ones with the monopoly. He was also saying that they have a better technology than XM does and he thinks that they have better radios than XM does. He said that he's very happy with where SIRIUS is now and he's very happy with what Howard has done with the service.
Howard said this was like meeting Marconi for him because if satellite wasn't around, he probably wouldn't be in the business. He said he's flourishing there and he loves being part of something from the ground up. He asked him what his production is with the XM/SIRIUS thing. Martine said that she thinks that the merger will go through and it's stupid to have both services.
Martine said that the money he got from SIRIUS helped him create a cure for a problem that his daughter had. He said he started the company after the satellite radio thing and he had to do that and they've saved thousands of lives because of that. He had his daughter there with him and Howard heard that she was pretty hot too.
Artie said that this story is fascinating to him. He wondered if he had a Howard Stern in mind when he created the whole satellite thing. Martine said that you do need content and not just music. He said that it's great not to be censored and to be able to listen across the country. Howard told Martine that he loves him and really loves that he created this whole thing. Howard asked her if he's still an owner in the company. She said she is and owns a lot of stock. It's not worth a lot right now but she does own a lot. She said she sold off a majority of the ownership to start the company that saved her daughter's life. That company is United Theraputics.
Martine said that she's had some interesting reactions to her when she walks into meetings and stuff. Howard said that Tim Sabean warned him the first time he was going to meet her. He said he didn't care what was up with her, he just had to meet the person who created the whole thing. Howard got into the sex change thing and asked her about that a little bit. He wanted to meet his wife and daughter after that.
The guys brought in Martine's wife and daughter. While they were coming in Martine was talking about how great his family is. Her daughter came in and said that she calls Martine her dad still, she only has one mom. Artie and Howard said that she was beautiful too. Bina, Martine's wife, was also there so Howard talked to her about staying with Martine even after the sex change thing. They spent a short time on that and Howard asked the daughter if she wonders what her parents do in the bedroom. She said she doesn't think about that.
Howard said that Martine's daughter's name was Genesis. He spent a little more time talking to her about Martine and how tough it must have been for her to have that going on when she was in school. She said that it started when she was about 10 and people would ask her if she was going to be a man when she grew up. Artie asked where those people are now because she's no man.
Howard took some calls and let some people ask Martine some questions. one guy asked about the streaming video. Martine said that they always had that in mind and they just had to wait for the video compression tech to come to the same point as the audio compression. Some other guys thanked him for what he's created because it makes driving trucks much more enjoyable. One guy said it was actually not that great that he invented truck tracking with satellite because he can't run illegally now.
One guy asked if Martine's fake vagina was as nasty as Siobhan's was. The guys just laughed at that one. Howard talked to Martine about nano-bot technology that she's been working on as well. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that. They were also talking about some other technology where they could possibly download people's thoughts and save them while they repair the brain from Alzheimer's and stuff like that. They were also talking about how that could be used for evil as well though.
The guys asked Martine if he named the company and Irish John asked what name he would like to have if the merger goes through. Martine said that XM would be fine as long as Howard Stern is the most identifiable name on the service. Howard said that Genesis would be a great name as well. They threw out a bunch of names and Martine came up with SM. He liked Genesis because it means ''new beginning.'' Howard asked Genesis if she has a boyfriend and got a no comment. She said that she's actually going through a divorce right now. She's only 22 years old though. Howard found that hard to believe.
Howard wrapped up with Martine and told her that he really appreciates this whole thing because she gave him a future in radio. He said it's very exciting and it's probably just the tip of the ice berg at this point. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Richard came in and told Dice that he was the one who put that call together and explained how that all came about. Howard also had a ''Dice Gottfried'' call to play for Dice so he played that one as well. In that call they took clips of Gilbert doing his Dice impression and called a gay bath house. They had Dice Gottfried asking the guy if he was a homo over and over again. Then they had him just laughing with that unique laugh of his.
Howard said that call was wild. He moved on to talk to Dice about his new TV show which starts airing Sunday nights on VH-1. It's called ''Dice Undisputed.'' Dice said it's been getting great reviews. Fred said he saw it and loved it so much that he sat through the whole show and watched the whole thing. Dice said that the show is kind of about him coming out of retirement, even though he never really retired.
Dice said he talks about his family life in the show and his kids came up so the guys talked about that for a short time. Dice wasn't able to talk because everyone else was taking about him so he asked if he could get a word in. He explained the show and said that the whole thing is real, there is no making up stuff in the show. Howard said he saw a clip of Dice going to book publishers trying to get his book published and they all turned him down. dice said that's what goes on in his life and not everything is so great. He said it's tough being Dice.
Dice said he doesn't feel bad for himself or anything. He was telling the guys about his sons and how he's constantly on them about the internet, drugs and alcohol. Howard wanted to know how he does that. Dice said he never really had a problem with that himself but he points out the other people his kids have seen come and go because of the drugs and alcohol.
Howard asked Dice about the cursing and if he tries to curtail his kids from doing that. Dice said he doesn't really curse at home that much. Dice said that he wasn't going to curse that much today but Gary got him kind of pissed off about something that he was already pissed off about. He mentioned an article that a guy wrote in Entertainment Weekly and how pissed off he got about that. Howard said that guy wanted to call in but Dice didn't want to talk to him. He just said ''fuck him'' and that he doesn't want to give him his time.
Dice said he was on Bill O'Reilly's show talking about how lame Leno and Letterman are and how they're the ones who put him down about what he does while they're goofing on someone like Britney Spears when she's down. He said he wouldn't even do that. Dice went off on Leno and goofed on the size of his head and how he's always talking about his old cars and shit. Dice spent a short time going off on him and then going off on the guy from Entertainment Weekly.
Dice goofed on Howard a little bit about his engagement and how he's fucked himself over now. Dice is also engaged but he says that the marriage will never happen. He said she got mad at him when he didn't want to bring her in with him. He said he had to tell her that he doesn't need her coming with him and fawning over Howard. They got into a fight before they came in. He wanted Gary to get her on the phone so he could talk to her but Howard wanted to get the guy from Entertainment Weekly on the phone.
Dice asked where his fiancé Eleanor was. Howard didn't think that he had her but Gary let him know she was on. Howard told her that he would have liked to have met her. She got pissed at Dice and said that she had to listen to him telling her to shut up about going with him to the show. Dice said that she had aggravated him asking to come with him though. Dice said he had a show premiering this week and he didn't need that. She went off on him and said that she has a show coming out this week as well... ''jerk off.'' Artie said he knows some girls who can say that ''jerk off'' that way and they're pretty tough. Howard talked to her about her show a little bit which was ''Wild Women of Wrestling.''
Howard asked Dice if he was cheating on his wife with Eleanor. Dice said that he was kind of doing that toward the end of his marriage. Eleanor didn't think he was but Dice said that's exactly what it was. He said they were talking a lot and he would tell her how much he liked her. She said that he was using her to get problems off his chest and eventually got her when she was very vulnerable. Dice was going off on her a bit and she was yelling right back at him.
Dice was talking about how Eleanor is always out exercising and jumping up and down or whatever shit she does during the day. He said she did try to learn how to cook for him though. Dice said he was just kidding around with her and he really loves her. Howard asked Dice if she resents that Dice has kind of let himself go while she takes care of herself. Dice said he's 49 years old and that's just the way he looks now. He can't help it.
Howard asked Eleanor how many times a day Dice is banging her. She didn't want to answer because her mother might be listening. Howard asked her what she thinks about Dice saying that he's not going to marry her, he just got her the ring to shut her the fuck up. Dice said he didn't have to use the profanity there. That led to her talking about how she wants a real wedding. Dice said he's not going to do the 300-400 person wedding. He knows Howard isn't going to do the big wedding thing either. He said he's not going to look like some kind of big asshole doing the big wedding thing. He's done that twice already. He was married at 25 and stayed married for a few years and then got married again a second time. He said his first wife cheated on him and that's when he went to Jacoby and Meyers and filed for divorce for $350.
Dice got upset with Eleanor when he brought up how she has a bunch of male friends. Someone handed Howard a picture of her and he was impressed with what he saw. Howard asked Eleanor if she wants to have kids with Dice. She wasn't sure but Dice said that he's not sure she can get pregnant doing it the way they do it.
Howard found out that Eleanor used to work at a comedy club where Dice would see her. Howard asked her if she was doing a lot of comedians before she met Dice. She claimed she wasn't doing that and Dice believed it. Howard told Eleanor to come in sometime, he'd love to meet her. Dice told her he was only kidding about all of that stuff they were talking about and he really loves her.
Howard found out that Eleanor and Dice have phone sex so he asked them to play that out a little bit. Dice wasn't sure that would be the best thing for her since she's already known as something in her old neighborhood. She didn't want him going there. Dice tried getting into the phone sex thing asking Eleanor what she was wearing. She said she was wearing her pink florescent thong. Howard interrupted and kind of ruined the phone sex thing. He started asking her questions himself. Then Dice stopped because he couldn't do it on the air. Howard tried finding out more from her about what she was wearing but she wasn't talking too much. Howard let her go a short time later.
Howard told Dice he's glad that he's got a good sex life now and he's found someone like that. They ended up talking about the new TV show and how that all came about. Dice said that he shot the show without a deal in place so he did a lot of shooting himself. Howard gave him some plugs for that show which starts this Sunday and also some plugs for some upcoming comedy shows.
Dice said he wants to do some really big shows for his kids. He said that he wants to prove that you can do any dream you have in this country because it is such a great country. He wants to show his kids what he's talking about when he says that. He feels like the Rocky Balboa of stand-up comedy.
Howard was trying to wrap up but Dice asked if he could bring in his uncle Lee who was there the last time he was on. Uncle Lee said that he can't believe that he's there. He's very excited and went on to thank Dice for everything he's done for him. Dice interrupted so Howard told him to let him finish. Uncle Lee went on about Dice for a short time but Dice got upset that he wasn't talking about what went on at his house. Howard had to end it a short time later.
Artie said that this woman Kim made them some cupcakes and they were amazing. He said she's an electrician there or something. Richard came in and said that Gary was licking the icing off his cupcake and it was really disgusting. Gary said that at least he brushes his teeth. Richard said at least he doesn't have his teeth. Fred played a Baba Booey opera song so Sal was dancing around him out in his office.
Richard was goofing on Gary about the way he had to clear his throat earlier and how gross that was. Gary couldn't believe that Richard, the gross hillbilly, was goofing on him. Sal was still in the office dancing around so Robin said she couldn't get enough of that. She was laughing her ass off as he was doing that.
Howard said Sal puts on this giant blow up picture of Gary's face and dances around in his office while Fred is playing the song parodies. They were all laughing pretty hard at that. Howard let Fred keep going with the song parodies but Sal eventually started running out of steam so Howard put a stop to it.
Steve said that they'll have a report about a guy who will be racing against Robin in the Long Beach Celebrity Race. Steve also mentioned that Jackie the Joke Man might be coming back on the show to promote his new CD. Fred said he thinks that would be a bad idea but Howard seemed to like it. Steve said they also have a story about JumpTheShark.com being relaunched since TV Guide took it over. Jon Hein used to run the site himself so he commented on how good the site is looking these days. Steve said that they're going to have a new 1 hour long Week in Review show starting on Howard 101 this Friday night. He got in a few other news plugs and ended his preview.
Howard moved on to Jon Hein but Artie interrupted and did his impression of Jon giving his show rundown. He got three of the four items dead on according to Jon. Jon then read through his show preview which sounded very much like what Artie had just said. After he was done Fred played a bunch of audio clips that Richard had put together using clips of Jon from his audio book. They were all about molesting children, drug usage and stuff like that.
Mutt was on the line to talk about tonight's Superfan Roundtable show. Mutt said he has a bunch of stuff going on tonight on the show. They'll be talking about the redesign of Howard TV's web site and stuff like that. They'll also have a bunch of smaller topics to go over on the show. One of them was about Beth's girl crush so Howard talked about how they kind of got blown off when they asked her to be on the show. They told them that she was out of town and they weren't sure if she was going to be able to make it.
Howard said that there was someone else who gave them the big blow off It was Julia Louis Dreyfus whose people blew him off when he asked if she could come in. Howard said she's been on the show before and he's not sure why she'd blow them off. Mutt got in one last mention of who he had on the show tonight. It's going to be King of all Blacks, Zolar and Joey Boots. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Artie mentioned that he went out on a date to see a movie recently. He was telling the story about how bad the movie was but Howard was more interested in finding out who he went with. Artie said it was a chick he had gone out with one other time. They didn't spend a lot of time on that subject though.
The guys were talking about the post office and how they must have taken a hit with this whole e-mail thing. Artie mentioned that he likes to write a letter to a woman once in a while because it's kind of romantic. Howard told him to never do that shit. Artie said it was too late and Dana probably has about a dozen letters that he's sent to her. He said they're not too embarrassing. Howard said Beth had a guy who wrote her a poem and had it framed so he could see it when he went over to visit her.
Howard said that he still pays his bills by writing out a check. Artie found that hard to believe. He said that if he knew how to do it on the internet, he'd pay his bills that way. Howard said he likes to write physical checks because that's the way he likes to do it. Gary came in and said the same thing. He doesn't trust the whole online bill paying. Artie doesn't even e-mail anyone but he was telling Howard and Gary that they sounded like old people talking that way.
Howard asked Artie about the girl he went to the movie with. He said that it was the girl he slept with at the Borgata that one time. He said she stayed up at his place that night. He said she stayed over night and they banged once at night and once in the morning. He had to drive her home on Sunday and he almost didn't want to do it. He said that she's an 8 1/2 solid and it was worth the drive down to the Philly area to pick her up and drop her off. It's pussy, he said he was willing to do that for pussy.
Robin got back to her news but Howard interrupted a short time later. He had an audio clip from a news report where one reporter talked about how he never thought that no one could ever wreck the name ''Howard Stern'' more than Howard himself. They were discussing Howard K. Stern and how he's really ruined that name.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard was about to end the show but Gary came in and said there was a funny story about Bobby Brown being bailed out of jail by some radio station and now Bobby has to appear on that radio station all week. He thought that story was worth mentioning before they left. Richard also came in and told Howard he had pulled an audio clip that Artie had requested. It was the clip where this guy drops his load on a woman's glasses and talks about it as he's doing it. Richard said there was another clip he thought they'd like as well. It was a woman asking a guy to cum in her mouth so she could taste his children going down her throat. Howard played that and then ended the show around 10:50am.
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Howard started off the show asking if it was 10 o'clock yet, hoping the show was over. He and Fred talked about the Letterman intro that Fred had just played but Fred's microphone wasn't on. Howard pointed that out to him but Fred assumed that he was going to turn it on for him. He couldn't tell through the headphones he was wearing either. He said it never sounds like his mic is on.
Stuttering John came in and annoyed Howard when he told him what song was playing during the Letterman clip. Howard said he can't get through a show without people interrupting him. He got back to Fred and asked him why he waited for 12 years to say that his mic level was too low. They spent a short time on that but Howard wanted to move on and get to the content of the show. He had to take a commercial break first though.
Howard said that Newt met his first wife because she was his math teacher. He read through that part of the article and gave Robin all the details about the teacher and how Newt talked about how he would some day date her. He did graduate high school before dating her though. They got married and had a couple of kids. He left his wife years later after she came down with uterine cancer. Robin said that people like that shouldn't be telling other people how to run their lives.
Howard talked about what hypocrites all of these guys are. Howard said he doesn't mind if guys leave their wives as long as they're not trying to tell him how to run his life. He read through some comments about Newt from a question and answer column where they talk about all of that stuff. Howard thinks that if they keep talking about all of that stuff, they're eventually going to lose the seats they won. He said that a lot of people in the country are feeling kind of alienated by the Republicans and even though they want to support them, they can't because of things like abortion.
Jackie brought up another article and goofed on Newt before Howard took some phone calls. Howard picked up one caller who didn't realize that he was actually on the air. Howard had to hang up on him because the guy wasn't able to figure out that he was on the air.
Howard said that Mike Gange used to help him out with carrying his bags around but he decided to stop helping. He decided to ask Mike to drive in once a week to help him out with stuff and all of a sudden he wanted some more money for wear and tear on his car. He then decided to take back the offer and told his assistant Laura that Gange is now on his list of people who he's out of favor with.
Gange came in and said that there are a lot of reasons for not driving in. The caller interrupted and said that there was a tornado watch down in Florida. It turned out to be Melrose Larry Green who hadn't identified himself earlier. Howard told Melrose that he's no longer his friend. He said that Melrose has been writing letters to them and he's not to thrilled about them. Melrose didn't want him to be mad at him but Howard was still upset. He told him he's his ex-friend.
Melrose said that he saw Fred's movie down there in Florida and sat next to Howard's cousin Richie. Jackie said he and Stuttering John got into a cab the other day and they drove past Melrose and the cab driver turned to them and told them that he was crazy. They hardly ever comment on anyone but that guy had to say something about Melrose.
Gary came in and said that it's very hard to talk to Melrose. He said he'll tell you he's not going to bother you and follow you while he's bothering him and following him. Howard said that they asked Melrose to calm down and move half a block away and the guy wigged out. Howard hung up on Larry as he was about to plug the movie that Fred was in.
Howard got back to Gange and said that he was still thinking about the whole job offer thing. He told Gange that he doesn't want his help now because his attitude is getting worse and worse these days. He asked Gange what he would charge him for wear and tear on his car. Before Mike could answer, Howard cut him off and told him to get out of there. Gange then told Howard to just try and find someone to do that stuff for free. Howard figured he could find someone no problem. Robin asked how he gets people to work for him that scream at him.
Basil the intern came in and said that he'd work for free. Gary said they had another intern who would do it as well. Howard told Gange that he was done and he'll just use those two guys instead of him. Gary wondered how you figure out how much to charge for wear and tear on a car. Gary said he's only working one day a week and he's got to change his oil anyway. He didn't understand why he'd want money for something like that. Howard said the guy only has to drive about 15 miles.
Howard said Gange came to him when he had nothing. He dreamt up something for him to do so he gave him this job. Then he complained about not having a job in the business so he helped him try to get a job in the radio business at WRNW. He passed along his tape but they rejected him. Then Gange got his job at E! after his radio career didn't work out. He talked about how they worked with Fran Shea to come up with the job of holding the camera and doing the interviews after the guests leave. He said that's when Gange stopped driving out to his house. He's getting paid to do that job but he still wanted to pay Gange to come out to his house to help him out with a little more money.
Howard told Gange that he could actually learn from Ralph. He said Ralph thinks about him 24 hours a day and that's what Gange should be doing. He told him how Ralph will be on the job very quickly when he asks him to do something. Gange said that he does stuff for Howard and he's not sure why he's going off on him about this one thing. Ralph told Gange that he should be thinking of his future and do some of this stuff now to insure that he has a future there. Robin summed it up and told Gange that he's just dumb.
Howard told Gange that Ralph will come up with jobs like cutting his nasal hairs. He said Ralph will actually stand there and cut the hairs out of his nose. Now he needs Ralph around to do that job. He can't live without Ralph. He told Gange he can live without him if he's not going to help him out with those jobs he asks him to do.
Ralph told Gange that the job Howard is asking him to do isn't that bad and it's not like that car he has is even that old. Gary said the person really burning up over this is Grillo. He said Grillo never even gets those types of job offers. Howard said Grillo came out to help him out at his house and the kid was a nightmare. There were always problems when he tried to get there. He called him a psycho. Grillo came in and said that he did the work that was supposed to be done. Howard said Grillo can't even get him steamed rice. Howard goofed on Grillo about that and how he can't get anyone to give him the correct type of rice. Gange said he heard Grillo saying the F-word over and over again while he was on the phone with someone about the rice. Howard said he's going to make Gary in charge of that stuff from now on.
Howard said he's not sure what to use Grillo for on the show anymore. He can't even go and get the right rice for him. Grillo said that it's not like everyone is making rice at that time of morning so it's not easy to try a lot of different places. Ralph tried giving him some advice about when to call and what to ask those places when he's trying to get the right food.
Howard asked Grillo about how a building is built and found out that he knew the process of that and other things but he still couldn't make the rice thing happen. He said Grillo isn't able to articulate how a lunch is supposed to be made so he has to figure out what to do with the guy. He figured that he was the right man to get his lunch but he was apparently wrong. Grillo said he's been getting his lunch for him for 3 years now and he will continue to do it. Robin said that his willingness isn't the problem, it's his execution.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Grillo and Gange about their jobs. Then Gary came in with his evaluation letter for Grillo so Howard quickly read through that. Then he read the letter that Grillo sent to them asking for the intern job. There were a bunch of spelling mistakes that Howard pointed out as he was reading through it. He almost stopped because it was too painful to read. He didn't stop though and continued to point out his spelling and grammatical errors.
Everyone was getting a laugh out of the letter. They were all goofing on Grillo about what he wrote. Howard noticed that Basil had some chap-stick all over his upper lip so he goofed on him a little bit about that. He got back to Grillo's letter and finished that up.
Chris the intern came in because he wanted to argue about having a better academic background than some of the other interns there. Stuttering John said that all three of the interns were kind of like that. They all argue with each other over that stuff all the time. John said Basil is the least confrontational of all of them though. Howard talked to those guys about their educations and how the schools they go to are really just like the 13th grade and not even real colleges.
Howard said that he has to keep the guys in the back office where it's really cold. There's no heat so they got them a space heater and told Grillo to turn it on when he gets there first thing in the morning. The first day he didn't even turn it on. It was turned on but not plugged in. Ralph said that the problem is that Grillo doesn't check his work. Howard noticed that Chris' mouth was moving but no words were coming out. Grillo said that happens all the time. He talks but doesn't really say anything. It's like he's mouthing what he's thinking but no words come out.
Howard said he has to figure out what job to give Grillo. He needs something that he can handle. He can't give him more than one job though. Howard decided to let the guys go so he could take a break.
Jackie Puppet was doing his Chinese and black impressions for Howard. He did them just like the real Jackie does them. He told some more jokes and cracked himself up after that. Billy was doing all of Jackie's many laughs and making inside jokes about Jackie's wife and stuff like that. Howard said he had to take a quick break after that but mentioned that they had Pamela Anderson coming in today. He talked about her for a short time and how there were rumors about her being on heroin. He said Pamela wants to address those charges today.
Jackie Puppet started going nuts again drinking fake beer and laughing hysterically. Howard asked the puppet if he's ever done heroin. The puppet said he did shoot it up and then fell asleep. He drank some more beer and let out a burp and then said he pissed his pants. Jackie Puppet wouldn't answer Robin's questions, he was just laughing and going nuts the whole time. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard asked John why they didn't release that song as the single. John wasn't sure why they did things they way they did. John said that they're going to change the name of the band because some people might not be playing it because of the name of the band. Howard said the stations lie when they say that it matters. Howard told him to call his band ''Big Dope'' or something like that. Gary said the record company sent the album to a station under a different name and when the station found out it was John, they yelled at the record company.
Howard told John that the next time he makes a music video, he should talk to him first. He said the video he made using Gilbert Gottfried didn't come out that great. Gilbert talks over the music and it's just the wrong thing to do. Howard told John to put hot chicks in his video. John said that he was told that MTV doesn't want chicks because that's out now. He said they made him take the chicks out of his video. Robin and Howard said that's because they didn't look good and weren't hot. John disagreed about that but Howard insisted that they weren't that hot.
Howard told John to get out of there because he had a million things to get to. John was leaving so Howard goofed on him about being in the Tony and Tina's Wedding play. He explained what that whole thing is about. He said it's an interactive show where you pretend to be at a wedding. Howard said he doesn't want to have to work at a fake wedding like that. John said you don't have to, you can just sit and watch the ceremony if he wants. Howard still didn't seem to be into something like that at all.
Howard got a clip of John acting at the Tony and Tina's Wedding thing so he played that. John said he's only done it for about 3 nights now. In the clip you hear a lot of noise in the background. John was playing the part of the Best Man and doing an Italian accent. That led to the Jackie Puppet doing his Italian accent for Howard a little bit. Howard heard that the cast is being driven crazy because John isn't an actor but he got a starring role in the play.
Howard took a call from one of the actors from the play. The guy, Michael, said that he's been working in the play for years and has had other professional acting jobs. He said that John is actually good in the play. Gary said that he changed his story from the other day. That led to Howard hanging up on the guy since he lied just to get on the air. Gary said the guy said that John sucked just to get on the air.
Jackie was goofing on John so John shot back at him telling him that he's sold more records with just his one release than Jackie has sold with 18 releases. He goofed on him saying that he actually got paid to make his album while Jackie pays to make his own.
Howard played more of John's speech from the play he was in. At one point John let out a stutter where he kind of choked and gagged so the guys picked up on that and goofed on him for a few minutes. Howard replayed the clip just to hear that sound again. Howard let it play through a little more but Fred was still making the gagging sound that john had made earlier. Howard wasn't sure if he should continue to play that stuff or take a break. Jackie told him to play just a little more. They were all still goofing on him and making that gagging sound.
Howard played another clip where John and another guy were having a conversation at the play. According to Gange, no one else was listening in on the conversation. Fred and the guys goofed on John some more about the way he was delivering his lines. John figured that the producer of the play was probably freaking out hearing them goof on it. Howard said at least someone is talking about the play. Everyone in the studio was doing the gag sound that John had made earlier. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that these women were going to fly in from Los Angeles to get naked for them. Then they got this note from them. He got interrupted and was told that Pamela Anderson was on the phone so he went right to that. Pam was having trouble with her voice so Howard asked her if that was from the heroin. Pam jokingly said that must be what it is. She said she doesn't even know what heroin looks like. Robin said that if that's what you look like when you are on heroin, maybe she should start taking it.
Howard asked Pam about the rumors of the heroin use. Pam said she really has never seen what the stuff looks like and has never used it. She said she's going to be suing The Globe over the story because it's just not true. Howard read through the article. Pam said that she has a lawyer who is willing to help her out with this and not charge her for it.
Howard told Pam that he thought it was kind of sexy that she was doing heroin. He figured he'd have no problem getting her if she was on drugs. Pam said she heard that she was even in detox for the drug use so at least that was one positive thing. Howard told Pam that if she farted and bottled it, he'd buy it from her. He said she has no idea what he'd do to her if he had the chance to be with her.
Howard read part of the article where they claimed that Pam was in rehab at some treatment center. She said that people should be able to check and find out that's just not true. She said she wouldn't even go to that place if she was going to go to rehab. Pam said that she was freaking out so much yesterday that she couldn't even call into the show to talk to Howard. She's really anti-drug and she doesn't do anything herself. She has people around her who smoke but she doesn't do it herself.
Howard figured that Pam would make millions from this lawsuit and she'll never have to work again. He said when he heard this story he figured he could get a lot off of her if she really was on heroin. He asked her what she was wearing and found out she had sweatpants on but no panties. Howard seemed to like that and he'd just need to look at that to get off.
Pam said that she did go to the hospital recently after she fainted. She said she was over at Brett's house when she passed out and had to go. She said that Brett had low blood sugar himself so she got up to help him out but that's when her legs gave out on her when she went downstairs to get him something to help. They called an ambulance and they showed up. Howard asked if the guys who showed up flipped a coin to figure out who was going to help her. She said she went to the hospital after that and got checked out. Howard said this is what doctors dream of. They want to check out these hot chicks.
Howard said that anyone who examines Pam must not wash their hands for six years. He asked Pam who checked her in at the hospital and asked for all the details about who checked her out. She said the paramedics put the EKG stuff on her and had to stick their hands down her shirt, but just above her breasts. They brought her into the hospital and put her in a bed at the hospital. She was wearing a long shirt that she had on at the house. She had nothing under the shirt, no panties or anything. Jackie was giggling in the background when he heard all of that.
Howard said he had to think about all of that stuff while he was hearing the details. He had her continue her story and found out she never had to get naked. She kept her shirt on the whole time. She didn't have to get naked at any time. Even when the doctor was checking her breathing and stuff he just put his hand under her shirt.
Pam was coughing and having trouble with her voice. She was sick so Howard asked her where Brett was and why he wasn't there to help her out. Howard asked Pam about going to the gynecologist and how that all works for her. She said that she'll get into one of those paper gowns. Howard figured that her huge breasts must have been breaking through the paper. She wasn't sure about that. Howard asked her if the doctor examines her with one hand. She said he uses both. Robin got in on that conversation and talked about how horrible those visits can be. Robin said that the doctor gets in there and disappears for a short time while they do the examination.
Gary came in and said that Gange told him about this week's Baywatch. That led to Howard asking Pam about the episode where they had some midgets. Pam said she's pretty sure she was in that episode. Howard told Pam that if they take her off that show, he's done with it. He's only watching it for her. He told her that if she does a little dope, that's fine with him.
Howard told Pam they had her ex-boyfriend Scott Baio on the show not too long ago. He had some nice things to say about her. They also found out that she dated Dean Cain for a short time as well. Howard said that Pam needs a guy who can be funny, like Howard Stern. Gary told Howard about this episode where Pam is rolling around in bed for about 10 minutes. Pam said it was a fantasy about money and that's why she was rolling around in bed the way she was in that episode. Howard talked about how tight her belly is and how he wants to kiss the flatness of that belly the next time she comes in.
Gange came in and talked about the episode that he watched this week and how great it was. She was in all kinds of outfits and rolling around on the bed. Howard was still talking about the gynecologist thing and telling her what he'd do to her if he was the doctor. He said he'd make a game out of the whole thing. He said he'd be in the corner putting a condom on and then he'd be telling her ''Look, no hands! That's not my finger in there!'' He then muffled his voice as if he were inside of her looking around. Howard told her that she's so beautiful that it takes his breath away.
Howard asked Pam how often she goes to the gynecologist. She said it's twice a year so Howard went into his doctor voice again and had a conversation with her as if he were trying to get her in there when she didn't have an appointment.
Howard asked Pam if Brett was there with her. She said no one was there but her brother was in the other room. She said he looks just like her too. Howard read her some of The Globe article about her heroin use and gave her all the details about that. Pam claims it's not true and there have been other reports about her that were wrong as well. She said that she's suing and so are the people who run Baywatch. Howard told her that people will still believe the story even if they win the lawsuit. Pam said that she's really pissed off about the whole thing.
Howard asked Pam when she's going to be back in New York because he really wants to see her. She said she's got some trips planned but she'll be back to promote her TV movie. She said the whole drug thing is crazy because she's never done any at all and doesn't even smoke. Howard told Pam he loves her. She told him she loves him too. Howard told her he doesn't just love her, he LOVES her. Pam told him that she was on a motorcycle love ride the other day and someone said that she was ''Howard Stern's girl.'' Howard had to wrap up after that so he could take a commercial break. He gave her a bunch of kisses as he was hanging up. He said he'd like to pump her full of heroin and have her pass out on his bed so he could do all kinds of stuff to her. He said ever woman should be like her. He went to break after that.
The guys were also talking about how they blamed a black guy for stealing the kids away from Susan so the black community was very upset when they found out that Susan had killed the kids herself. Howard said he's just sick of seeing those people being interviewed. He said they should put it behind them and realize that woman was a kook and she killed her kids.
Gary said that he heard that the kids were holding hands when they were found dead. Robin said he heard that the kids were asleep when they were rolled into the water and the 3 year old probably woke up and flailed around in a panic. No one was sure how anyone knew that kind of detail though.
(After an edited out commercial) Howard said that he wasn't sure he wanted to get into it more but he was in the middle of yelling at Gary. He was also going off on John for letting a caller through who was scamming them. Howard said he didn't want it on the air, it was something that they should leave off the air but he was still yelling at John for what he had done.
John was trying to put some of the blame on Grillo but Howard told him that he can't even buy rice so it doesn't matter. Howard said they were having that argument off the air but Jackie told him they should be doing it on the air so that's what he did. Howard said he was going to finish this story but he was still on the stupid case of that woman who drowned her kids. He mentioned the Sally Jesse Raphael show where she went down to the funeral and covered it like she was one of the mourners. Howard said it's like she was part of a Tony and Tina's Wedding show. He said he wished she had jumped in the hole with the kids.
Howard said he was thinking about how they found out that the kids were holding hands when they died but then they can't figure out if OJ really killed his wife or not. He pointed out that they can't pin anything on AC Cowling even though he was driving the truck down the highway that day. He finds that amazing. They had video of him driving but they can't figure out how to charge him with anything. That led to the guys talking about Judge Ito and what he's been up to on TV lately.
Howard said they should take a black guy and stick him out on the street to do an experiment. They have cameras now so they can do that. They'll have a gay guy with a live tiger and the black guy to see who gets picked up first. Then they can stick a gay guy with a giant sign that reads ''I have AIDS'' holding an IV to see who gets picked up. Jackie was laughing his ass off thinking about that idea. Howard thinks they could turn that into a network TV show. He had to go to break after that.
Howard had Robin get into her news after the Shatner discussion. Robin started her first story and mentioned the word tainted which got Billy into his Jackie Puppet voice. She was talking about the OJ Simpson case so the guys spent some time on that.
Steve Grillo came in with his lunch during the news so Howard looked at it and said it looked like it had oil on it. He said he may have been wrong about that though. He tasted it and it seemed to be okay but he closed up the package and put it away because he wasn't hungry.
The guys spent some more time goofing on Sally Jesse Raphael during the news after Robin read some news about her. Howard said she's as phony as a red headed Chinaman. They had to take a break after that.
Howard asked if Sally went to the funeral. Christina said she stopped by just to pay her respects. Howard said she showed up dressed in black with cameras with her. Christina said that there were news crews all over the place there and she wasn't the only one there. Howard wondered why she had to do it on camera if she was there to pay her respects. Howard told Christina that he just leaves people alone. That's what he did for that town. He said he wouldn't try to make money by covering that story on a TV show.
Howard said that they did it just for ratings and they can't convince him that they did that for any other reason. Christina said that Howard talking about this on his show is capitalizing on the story too. Robin said their complaint was that Sally was there at the funeral, that's what they were complaining about. Her covering the story on her show is no problem. Howard said if Sally's kids die, he's going to go to the funeral and then ask Christina if she finds anything wrong with that.
Howard argued with Christina about the story and he could hear other voices in her office yelling out to her so she'd know what words to use. Howard said that they were just cashing in on the funeral because it was a gold mine of ratings for the show. He did an impression of what might have gone on there at the funeral when they were trying to get good shots for the TV show. Not too long after that Christina hung up on him. Howard continued to goof on the way they might have run the shoot down there at the funeral.
Howard said at least he admits that everything he does on his show is for ratings. He doesn't try to cover it up as being sympathy for the town where some kids were killed. Howard said he hopes that Sally doesn't outlive all of her family members, that would be bad news for his show. He wants to be able to cover some of the funerals she goes to. He had Robin get back to her news after that.
Gary came back in a short time later and said that he found out another story about Sally Jesse's show and how they had asked someone to come on the show after someone in their family had died. Howard said they really are despicable over there. He said he loves how they tell you they don't do this stuff for ratings. There's no other reason to do it.
Robin got back to her news. After she was done Howard ended the show around 10:05am (Master Tape Theatre time).