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Gary's first pick was the day Buzz Aldrin was on the show and Sal had no idea who he was. That took place on August 16th:
Sal asked the interns if they knew who this guy was and they did. Jason then asked Sal if he knew when President Kennedy was killed. Sal thought it was 1974. Artie said that a comedian's best friend are references to history and stuff and Sal wouldn't even be good as an audience member because he knows so little.
Howard played more of the questions where Sal confuses JFK and Roosevelt. Sal thought that Roosevelt had Kennedy killed. Artie thought that Sal might be scamming them but Howard said it sounded serious to him. Even Jason said he couldn't believe what Sal was saying. He had to be kidding. Sal was giving out all of this incorrect information.
In another clip Sal was asked who succeeded JFK. Sal didn't even know what that word meant. He thought that succeeded meant ''before'' and not after. Sal came in the studio and said that he's really not that dumb. History was his worst subject. He said he failed history every year and that's why he was so bad at it. He said that Jon Hein had told him that Michael Collins was the second man on the moon and he kind of had an idea that Buzz was actually that guy.
Robin asked Sal what number president Lincoln was. He said he knew that he was number 16 and Washington was first. Howard gave Sal a list of wars and told him to put them in order from the earliest to the latest. Sal put them in this order.
Sal said that he thought that July 4th was Pearl Harbor day. He thought that Pearl Harbor was in Japan. Howard had to explain that to him as well. Rev. Bob Levy called in and told Sal he was an idiot. Sal asked him to spell idiot so Bob said ''S A L.''
Sal thought that the D in Franklin D. Roosevelt stood for ''Delaware.'' Howard goofed on him about that and said he had to move along after that. Howard told Sal that some people are weak in certain subjects but Sal is weak in all of them. Sal claims that he's good in science so Robin asked him what the technical term is for a white blood cell. Sal had no idea.
Howard and Robin threw out a few more questions and Sal knew some of them and thought that it was impressive that he did. No one else was saying it was impressive. Howard told him to get out of there and then goofed on him about thinking that the Gettysburg Address was given by ''President Gettysburg.''
The son, Mike, was telling Howard about the implants that his mother has. She was saying that she's always gotten into trouble for talking about sex. Her son came to her and asked her to play this game and she decided to go with it but she didn't sound very happy about it. Mike said she runs around her house naked all the time. She told him not to come over if that's the way he thinks.
Howard asked the mom if she's going to be okay being naked in front of her son. She said she'll be fine with it. Gary asked Mike why he hasn't lived with his mother through his life. He said that he lived with his father because his mother has always embarrassed him with the sex stuff. He said that his mother taught his friends how to eat pussy.
Gary said that the mother did have a coke issue. She didn't want to talk about that but said it was just a weekend thing. Howard said that the other couple didn't show up for this game so it's just this one team. He told them what was going to happen. He said that they had already asked Joanne the questions and now Mike had to answer the same way. If he doesn't, then Joanne has to take an article of clothing off for each question wrong. They had 3 items that she had to remove and Mike was going to have to remove those articles of clothing himself. That's what makes this ''Just Wrong.''
Howard said the first question was ''Where does your mom like a man to finish, the chest, ass or face?'' Mike guessed that it was going to be her chest. Howard said it was actually the ass. Mike had to remove his mother's dress. Joanne wasn't supposed to touch it. Mike said he was going to use his teeth to do it. Joanne said she didn't give a shit about her son taking her dress off. Mike had his eyes closed when he was doing it. She said she hates him right now. Howard said she had a nice body. He told her she looked good and Artie said that he couldn't wait for her to get naked and do some coke. Gary asked her how old she was. She said she's 48 and everyone thought she looked good for her age. She was still yelling at her son
Howard moved on to the second question which was ''Does your mother spit or swallow?'' Mike got it right when he said she swallows. She said that she actually makes sure she gets every drop. Mike said he knew that because she's told him that through his life.
Howard moved on to the next question which was ''If your mother shot a porno, which would she do? Bukkake, Anal or Golden Shower?'' Joanne said that they never asked her that one. Howard said they did and asked Mike what his answer was. Mike said he was going with Bukkake. He got it wrong, she said it was golden showers. She said they never explained the other stuff to her so she didn't know how to answer. Howard told Mike he had to take off another article of clothing. This time he was taking her bra off. He did that and Howard said she's got some nice boobs.
Howard asked Mike if he's ever done anything like this before. He said he hasn't and joked that it was quite invigorating. Howard moved on to the next question which was ''Does your mother prefer length or girth?'' Howard told Joanne to be quiet during this because she was going to ruin it for her son. Mike went with girth and got it right.
Howard moved on to the next question and asked ''If you had to have sex with an animal, would it be a bear, dog, horse or monkey?'' Joanne couldn't stop talking and said she really likes monkey's too. Mike told her to stop talking and said that the answer was Dog. He got that right. She said she picked the dog because they have longer tongues.
Howard said they asked her about what ethnic group she would pick if she had to have sex with one. Mike said it would probably be black. He would have gotten that wrong. He had already won though so he didn't have to worry about that question. After that Howard had the people from HotMovies.com come in with the $5,000 check for the winners. There was a guy by the name of James who had Arial Somers and Stoya in with him. James presented the check to them and told them that it really was just wrong. Howard gave them some plugs and James said they have a free 15 minute offer over there and you just have to enter the promo code ''Howard Stern'' to get the 15 minutes free.
Howard asked one of the girls if she wanted to kiss the mom. She went right over and kissed her and Joanne tongued her. Howard asked Joanne if she wanted to go ride the Sybian. She said she didn't want to do that but only because she's married.
Howard moved on to take some phone calls and threw in a couple more plugs for HotMovies.com. One guy said that he was physically ill listening to this. One guy asked how Joanne could think that her son wouldn't be embarrassed by her talking about sex and stuff. Howard talked to the porn girls who were there as well. He threw in a few more phone calls and one guy said that he'd give Mike more money if he cut his mom's tongue out. Bong Hit Eric called in and asked why she won't get on the Sybian. She was upset about the comments the other guy had just made about her and she didn't want to do it.
Howard tried talking to Joanne but she seemed to be rambling a bit. Howard told her to just sit on the Sybian and he'd give her a plug for her book. She said she wasn't that desperate. Dominic Barbara called in and joked that this is the segment that they're going to play when Mel Karmazin testifies later this week.
Jeff the Drunk called in and told Joanne that she's really annoying. She asked how she was annoying but Jeff didn't get a chance to answer. A woman called in and told her that she was annoying as well. Howard asked Stoya to get on the Sybian but she was on the rag so she didn't want to do it either.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Joanne she was proud of her. She told her to ride that Sybian but Joanne was still refusing to do it. Howard asked Mike if it was tough growing up with his mom. He said that a lot of his friends actually liked her a lot. She said there were some friends who really liked her and one of them was a kid by the name of Justin. Howard asked Mike if she talks all the time like that. He said she really does talk all the time.
Howard let one more woman get in a call. She told Howard that she decided not to have kids because she thought she'd be a bad parent but now realizes that maybe she wouldn't have been such a bad mom. Joanne went off on her for a short time and yelled at her about the comments. Howard wrapped up after that and thanked James for coming in with the girls and gave him another plug for HotMovies.com. Howard talked to the porn star girls a little more and then went to break
One of the girls was rubbing the other's clit a little bit. Howard said they had a porno going in there. One of the girls was biting the other's nipple and begging her to do it more. Then one of the girls finished so Howard told Gary to turn it down. Howard asked Justine what was going on because she could barely walk. She had shaky legs. Both of them said that they came while on that thing. Justine said she thinks she finished before Heather did. Howard thanked them for that performance and gave them some more plugs for their stuff. He went to break after that.
Artie said that Steve Langford was there and he was really getting under his skin. Richard said that he and Artie took a nap and Steve stuck around with his microphone waiting for them to come out. Artie said that Steve was reporting everything, even the food he was eating there on the set.
Artie said that he wanted to go out and find a nice cold store to hang out at and they found this ice cream store. They went in there but there were tons of kids coming in and screaming. Artie ended up having a fluffernutter to eat. Richard said Steve didn't know what that was so he had to ask Artie what was in it. Artie figures that he had about 5,000 calories worth of food yesterday.
A caller asked Artie about his show down in Atlantic City and if he actually went back stage and puked like he said. Artie said that he didn't puke but he did dry heave. He was about to explain it but Richard cut him off and talked about this sandwich they saw at the restaurant which was a donut cut in half with a beef patty in between. Artie said it was a fun ice cream parlor so they had all kinds of stuff like that.
Artie said that he had 3 cokes with his fluffernutter sandwich. Howard and Robin sounded shocked by that. Artie went on to talk about how he had gone home around 11 last night and had some more food since he hadn't eaten in a few hours.
Richard said that Artie went back and napped after he ate all of that crap at the ice cream parlor. Artie went on to say that Richard was supposed to be in the casting area but he let him come back to his trailer to sleep. Richard slept on the filthy carpet while Artie napped on the couch.
Robin asked Artie if his character has grown since his last appearance on the show. Artie said that he's just playing the asshole cousin of this guy on the show. Howard jokingly said he heard that they had to build the set bigger for him. Howard asked him what he thinks he weighs now. Artie said he has no idea and he knows he has to get himself together. He said he figures he's more than 303 pounds at this point.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that the guy on the phone was over 300 pounds and he just gave Artie advice on his eating. The caller asked Howard to get Artie on the scale but Artie won't do that these days. Howard said he's really curious now. Artie won't do it because it really bothers him.
Sal said that if Artie gets on the scale, he will let Richard lick his taint. Richard said that he's not going to do it, he said that Sal can lick his taint instead. Sal told Richard that he has to do it because he came up with the idea. Richard wasn't going to do it. They came up with some other ideas like Richard sticking his finger up Sal's ass but Sal wasn't going to do that.
Artie told the guys to come up with something gay and he'd think about it. The guys couldn't get on the ''same gay page'' according to Artie. He threw out a few more ideas for them to do to get him on the scale. They wanted Sal and Richard to wrestle naked but Sal seemed to be against the idea. Richard said that it's Howard and Artie who are pushing this gay stuff on them so the fans shouldn't write in and complain about them, they should complain about Howard and Artie.
Sal eventually agreed to kiss Richard's taint. Artie said that he wants to see a real smooch there before he'll actually get on that scale. Sal asked ''What the fuck was I thinking?'' as he was getting ready to do it. Artie said it had better not be a lame kiss.
Sal said he wasn't sure he could do this and told Gary to get a bucket. Richard got on the couch, completely naked and Sal started to dry heave. He hadn't even started yet and he was puking already. He was dry heaving and vomiting into the bucket.
Sal eventually went in and kissed Richard's taint but Artie said it wasn't long enough. Sal was still puking. Artie asked to see a replay from the Howard TV guys. Richard let him know that it did kind of smell down there because he hasn't showered for a couple of days and he took a shit this morning. Sal said Richard looked like a happy retard sitting there on the couch. The Howard TV guys replayed the clip and Artie said it was good enough for him to get on the scale.
Artie asked how many shits Richard had taken since he last showered. Richard said it was probably 3 times. Artie was grossed out by the whole thing. Will said he was about to puke too because the smell was so bad.
Artie thought it was funny that Sal came in there and wanted Richard to kiss his taint but ended up doing that to Richard. Howard asked Artie to get on the scale and it came out to an even 300 pounds. He had actually lost weight since the last time. Richard said Sal did that all for nothing and laughed.
Artie said that he knew that he wasn't going to be all that heavy but he wanted to see Sal do that whole thing. Sal said that he probably lost it doing heroin but said he was just joking. The guys talked about how gross Richard's ass was for a short time before Lisa G came in.
Howard said that he and his wife were pretty cordial, as cordial as they can be. Brad said that all happened before Howard got his $500 million too. He said he'd trade his half a point for Raymond if he could have just one Howard point.
Howard asked Brad why he doesn't date Robin because he was talking about dating a black woman. Brad said he doesn't have the right stuff for that but Robin told him he does... He's got that half a point of ''Everybody Loves Raymond.''
Brad said that his wife left him for a taller man and then said it was actually for a woman but he was just joking about all of that. He said he married a girl that he was very much in love with and things changed. He said they have two great kids and they still get along. He said it's tough for him to date because Howard isn't the only Jew with a small penis. He said that he's a chromosome away from being Miss Black Howard Stern too.
Howard said that an actor with as much fame as he has would be attractive to a lot of women. Brad said he's got an ''innie'' though so it's not that easy. Howard said he read that Brad was afraid to tell his parents about his divorce but Brad said that's the press making a big thing out of nothing. Brad said they kept the divorce private so when it did come out, they made it into something bigger than it was. He said he kept it from his family but he was just saying that when he was questioned about the divorce.
Howard and Brad both said that the day they got divorced was the worst. Howard said that Brad has to be getting laid. Brad asked Howard to help him but when Howard asked him to swear that he wasn't getting laid, he couldn't do it.
Artie asked Howard if the worst day was getting divorced or telling his parents that he was dating someone new. Howard said it was the divorce thing that was the worst. He said that when he thinks about it, it makes him want to cry. Artie loved that and wanted him to cry. Brad didn't know who was talking when Artie was asking questions so he asked Howard who that was. He even goofed on Artie's voice a little bit.
Howard talked to Brad about what a great actor Peter Boyle was and how he had worked with him on Raymond. Howard read that Brad didn't think that Artie's story about Peter Boyle smoking pot was true. Artie told the story a while back and said that he smoked weed with him on the set of the show years ago when he was working on The Norm Show. Artie got into that story and said it was back in 1999 and they spoke to Peter at the commissary and Peter asked them if they wanted to get high. Brad said he must not have been a friend of his because he never asked him to get high.
Brad said he never smoked weed with Peter. He said he thought he was known for his sobriety over the past few years. Brad wasn't sure about that story and said he hung out with him a lot. Artie told Brad that the pot he had was amazing but he only took one puff of it. Howard said that maybe Peter smoked with Artie and realized he'd hit the bottom and stopped after that.
Howard said that it must have been exciting to go to Peter Boyle's funeral. Brad said that they were buddies and he really had to go. Everyone from the show showed up that day. Howard asked him about going to a celebrity funeral and if he prepares to be on TV. Howard asked him if he decides what he's going to wear. Brad said he's not all about the clothes, he doesn't care about that stuff.
Howard said that he went to the funeral for Ed Bradley and got to see a lot of celebrities there. He told Brad that if he were him, he would have put the name of his new TV show all over himself to get some coverage. Howard quickly changed subjects and asked Brad about working on Everybody Loves Raymond and how he got that deal where he got the half a point. Brad said that after 6 years of working there, it was time to renegotiate so he asked for as much as he could get. It ended up working out good and they must have felt he deserved it.
Howard asked Brad about how that half a point works. They talked about the syndication but Brad asked Howard about his half a billion that he got for doing this satellite gig. Howard didn't get into details about that. They joked around about what they have going on there and Brad mentioned the tiny security guard he's got working there. That would be Ronnie the Limo Driver.
Howard read that Brad was actually a Star Search winner and he wasn't aware of that. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that. Artie knew that Brad did a great Jackie Gleason impression. Brad said that Ray Romano called him and told him that when he did that impression it was like ''Jackie: The NBA years.'' Howard seemed to think that was pretty funny.
Howard asked Brad if he's ever had sex with any famous women. He said he doesn't go to parties or anything and didn't have any famous names. Howard was surprised by that and Robin didn't think he was being honest. Brad said he's not lying. Howard read that he opened for Liza Minelli and Frank Sinatra at different times in his career. Brad talked about how Frank would sing his songs and get them mixed up later in his life. He would also call him ''Greg Barrett'' when he'd introduce him. Howard read that he was fired from that gig. Brad said he wasn't really fired, he was moved to open for Liza while he thought about what he had done.
Brad said he would open up for Frank doing his comedy act. Frank Sinatra would come walking out whenever he felt like it so he had no idea how long he actually had to stay out there. He said that one day he jokingly said that they were a great audience and to ''...stick around for Frank.'' He got called into the office and was asked about the comment he had made. Brad said they asked him why he would say such a thing when they were actually there to see Frank. Artie was laughing his ass off as he heard the story. Brad said he was in this meeting for about 20-25 minutes while they discussed his joke that wasn't taken as a joke.
Brad said he was sent to Reno the next night. They told him to think about what he had done. Brad said he thought about it alright. Howard said that people take things the wrong way and you can end up being killed. Frank Sinatra isn't the guy to mess with.
Howard brought up this new show Brad is on called ''Til Death.'' He's all done with ''Everybody Loves Raymond'' but Howard asked him if he still hangs out with Ray. Brad said that he's a regular guy and that's what he loves about Ray. He's the same guy he was when they started out doing the show. Howard said he does seem like a down to earth type of guy.
Howard asked Brad why he wants to put himself through the pressure of having a TV show. Brad said he wants to work, that's why he does it. Howard said he could get away with not working with the kind of money he has coming in from Raymond though. Howard also asked him about how he worked his way up in the comedy world and went over that quickly. Howard then gave Brad a plug for ''Til Death'' and said that Artie has a deal with FOX himself. Artie asked Brad if they need a fat guy on his show. Brad said that's the only thing they need at this point.
Brad told Howard about the show and what that's all about. He said the show is starting to click and they're having a good time doing it. He said that FOX lets them do what they want and they'll be moving to a time slot after American Idol starting in March.
Robin asked Brad if he got along with Patricia Heaton. Brad said he did so Robin mentioned that she's very religious so it must have been tough. Artie said he met her once but she didn't offer him weed like Peter Boyle did. Brad said they're getting beat by Telemundo at this point but he's hoping that they can get their ratings up. Howard figures they'll have more luck when they move to their new time slot. Howard told him to do his show in Spanish, maybe that would work.
Howard asked Brad if he has to share half of his future earnings with his ex-wife. Brad said she's the type of woman who doesn't want the money but he forces it on her. He said she is the mother of his kids and she is going to take that money and he doesn't seem to mind. Brad said they were married for 7 years. Robin said that Howard was married for like 20 years so maybe she deserved that 50 percent more than Brad's wife does.
Howard wished Brad luck with his show and told the fans to tune in and check out ''Till Death.'' Robin asked Brad why he never did the show when he was on Raymond. Brad said he was never asked and also said that he'd have to get past Ron out there. Howard was about to go to break when he realized he'd forgotten to take phone calls.
Howard took one call from a guy who asked Brad why he was talking down to Artie like that. He also said that his show is awful so that's why no one is watching it. The guy also said that Brad may be related to Big Foot. That led to Brad talking about how he's always been that huge size and that his mother used to tell the family that if they got separated, they should all ''meet at Brad.'' That led to Howard and Brad talking about their small penises and how they won't go to urinals. They have to hide in a stall.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that his show is probably going to be great if he's anything like he was on Raymond. He also said some nice words about Peter Boyle who played Brad's father on Raymond. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and went to break.
Steve said that they have a story about Artie being a featured comedian on Myspace yesterday. They'll have more on that today.
Howard read through some e-mail about Artie and High Pitch Mike's recent battles. Some fans think that Mike has balls for coming in and going up against Artie. Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that he thinks that he needs to get some mangos and pineapples in his diet.
Artie said that he didn't have any cupcakes today, not one. Today is cupcake Wednesday so it must have been tough for him to pass them up. Howard played the High Pitch Mike song parody about him where he tells him to climb up on a roof and follow his dad and then tells him to ''fuck off fat ass.'' Howard heard that Sal and Richard had something to do with that song too. Artie said it seems that those guys really don't like him.
Howard said that Richard and Sal think that he doesn't like them. He said that he did hire them to work there though. He said they were complaining about Artie taking a nap on the show even after he told him it was okay to do that. Howard said Artie has been with the show longer than them and he's got different privileges than they do. Robin said that Sal was asking why Artie can go up to guests and ask for their phone numbers when he can't do the same thing.
Howard said that Miss Howard Stern may have fallen asleep during the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He played a clip where she was kind of zoning out and not saying anything for a few seconds. Howard also played a clip where Sal was talking about why he doesn't come on the Wrap Up Show that much these days. He said he thinks that Gary disagrees with him on everything he says so he avoids it. Richard got in on that as well and said that Gary always sides with Artie in arguments and stuff. Sal was also saying that if Howard said something, Gary would agree with him too.
Howard said that he thinks that Sal is really talking about himself there because he's actually the one who would side with him on anything he went with. Sal came in so Howard told him that he think that he'd follow him to any religion he went to if he told him to. Sal said he hasn't taken up chess so that's not true.
Sal said that Gary always agrees with Howard but Howard told him that they argue about stuff all the time so that's not true. Sal is the one who said he'd blow Howard if he asked him to. Sal said that's bullshit and he wouldn't do that.
Howard asked Sal who got into the food fight at the pizza place they had Artie's party at. He pointed out all of the stuff that Sal does wrong and that's why he won't have him over at his house. Sal said he doesn't get why he has to bring up all of that stuff about him to make him look bad. Artie said that's because he always does stupid shit.
Artie said that Sal and Richard are good at what they do but they won a contest to get on the show. Sal said that he and Richard are always being honest and not trying to agree with people all the time like other people do. Howard said that Sal is the only one who he won't hang out with at home. Gary said that Sal has been reprimanded more there than he's ever reprimanded anyone else.
Artie went off on Sal and Richard for what they have going on at the comedy shows. Sal was yelling at Artie saying that he's always defending him when he hears shit about him. Sal said that Artie sucked on MAD TV and on the Norm Show and no one knew him before he was on Howard's show. He sounded really angry while he was going off on him but Artie was just laughing. Sal said that Artie carries himself like he's some legend of comedy when he's really not. Sal told him to go down to Philly and rip off the fans on New Year's Eve with the same act he did last year. The two of them were screaming at each other about this stuff.
Artie told Sal that he'll beat his ass after the show if he wants. He also told Sal that he hopes his kids die of AIDS as he was walking out of the studio. He said that he doesn't want that to happen until after they're like 25 years old.
Howard asked if that was for real. Artie said that was the real Sal right there. He's heard that venom come out of him before. Richard said that he doesn't hate Artie. Artie said that he's never had that problem with Benjy and asked him about that. Benjy then pretended he was Sal and yelled at him for a few seconds.
Richard was saying that Artie always goofs on him about stuff he says and it's kind of upsetting to him. That led to him complaining about Robin goofing on him too and saying that no one would care if he died.
A phone caller said that Sal has no right disparaging Artie the way he just did. The guy said that he'd do that job that Sal is doing for free. He said that Sal and Richard want to be Artie and that's why they get so upset about this stuff.
Robin said that all they hear are the negative things even when they say positive things about them. They focus on the negative when they're not always being bashed. Richard said that he agrees with Sal on some of that stuff but he doesn't agree with him about all of the things he was saying about everything he's been in sucking. He said he liked Artie in ''Elf.'' That made everyone laugh and Artie told him that everything he says sounds stupid.
Artie said that Richard and Sal are a couple of pussies for crying over them turning down bits and stuff. Meanwhile that's what happens to every comedy writer. They can't play all of their stuff on the show. Richard said there was a bit that they wanted Howard to play last week when Gilbert Gottfried was in and Gary wouldn't let him play it. Gary said he didn't want to try and cram it in there. He eventually wore him down and told him to go ahead and put up a note about the bit. Gary said that Richard won't take no as an answer so he has to just let him do stuff like that.
Richard still wasn't accepting the answer about why Gary didn't want him playing that clip on the show. Richard kept saying that all he wanted to do was give Howard the option to play the clip. They went over it a few times and Richard was still saying that he just wanted Howard to have that option. Gary did give him the option to let Howard know it was available but he just kept going with it.
Richard said that they had another bit that Howard didn't play for weeks and he kept asking Gary to play it for him. Gary said he did play that for Howard and Howard needed time to think about it for a while. He eventually played it on the air and they loved the call.
Artie said that Sal really has a lot of hostility toward him and it shows that he's obsessed with him and Howard 24/7. Sal was in Gary's office holding up a sign that said ''Die.'' Then he added a ''Please'' to that. Artie told him that was brilliant. He asked Sal if he's ever gone in for an audition for anything. He answered his own question and said he hasn't. He said that Sal has bailed out on his comedy act in the middle of it after claiming he could do 15 minutes.
Sal came back in and went off on Artie again. Artie told Sal that he was going to beat his ass out on the street today. He said that he only pays him to do the comedy shows because he's a charity case. Sal said that at least he has a relationship with his kids and he doesn't think that Artie would ever do that with his kids because he's a lying heroin addict. He left the studio yelling.
Al Rosenberg called in and said that he's definitely getting his money's worth out of this today. He said that Artie is able to keep the show moving and doing a great job there and that can't be said about everyone. Robin thinks that Sal believes that he could be Artie and that Howard doesn't think that he could.
Al was saying that he thinks that maybe Sal is dragging Richard down with him in this whole thing. Richard said that's not true and Sal is a brilliant mind when it comes to putting together bits. Howard said he thinks that the team he has now is the best team he's ever had on the show before.
Sal came back in and said that he's not jealous of Artie. He said that he's said that he's the funniest guy on the show and he's consistently funny on the show. He complained that Artie says that they have the mentality of 5th graders every time they come in there though. That's the stuff that upsets them.
Artie said that some of the stuff Sal and Richard do is really funny but he doesn't like other stuff. They do a lot of gay stuff and he's not into that. Howard said that the only one who defines what they are is him. Howard said that Sal is having problems with his wife and he's taking it out on them there. Sal said Artie is always taking jabs at him and he's not sure what else to do.
Howard asked Sal if he was just crying because someone claimed that they caught him doing that out there. Benjy said that Ronnie was signaling to him that it looked like he was crying so that's why he wrote that. Artie told Sal and Richard to take what they dish out or get the fuck out of there. Sal and Artie calmed down a bit and Sal was kissing his ass a little bit saying that he really is one of the funniest guys on the show.
Howard took some phone calls and let some fans yell at Sal. One guy told Sal to take a break and go smoke a joint or something to calm down. A woman said that Artie might need a cupcake to calm him down. Artie said that it's like poking a bear today. Howard took a call from a guy who said that this was the greatest today and they need to do this like once a month. Another guy told Artie to go fuck Sal's wife. Artie said he didn't want to punish her.
Richard was saying that Robin is the one who has been really mean to him. She once threw out a script he'd given her to read. He complained about that for a short time as Robin giggled at him. Howard wanted to get out of this but the guys were bringing up more and more stories.
Gary said that Howard once got mad at Craig Gass when he fell asleep in the Jackie Chair back when he was trying out for the job. Howard got pissed at him back then. Howard didn't get pissed at Artie when he fell asleep because he's been on the show for 6 years and he told him to sleep.
Jon Hein gave a really quick rundown of what they'd be talking about on the Wrap Up Show today. Most of what they'll be talking about is what just happened.
Sal then started in saying that he and Richard are very passionate about what they do. They don't mind the jokes where they're ball breaking on the show. Sal said that what hurts is when Artie takes a jab at the work they do on the show. Sal said that they're just up and coming guys and they just want to be part of the family. Sal said that's where they feel they're being ribbed and jabbed at. Richard said they're not mad at Artie either.
Howard had a transcript of what Sal said about Artie. He read about him talking about ''those stupid fucking shows'' that Artie used to be on and then went off on him about ''Beer League'' and some of the other stuff that he's done. Sal had to ask Robin to get in on this. She said that what happened yesterday didn't let them truly express what they were feeling.
Sal said that they just want to sit in the back and do what they can but Artie kept going with them and Artie said something about them just being wack packers. He said that's the straw that broke the camel's back. Then he came in and went off on Artie where he knew he could hurt him. Sal was talking in circles and Artie said he was being phony and it was all bullshit. He said that Sal has said all of that stuff before he ever said that they were just wack packers.
Robin didn't understand how the guys could bash Artie the way they did after he has tried to help them out with their careers. Sal said that they get the feeling that Artie really doesn't like them. Howard said he may have to separate Sal and Richard so they don't fill each other's heads with this stuff.
Artie said that they're ruining the show now because they're forcing him to censor himself. Sal said they're not asking him to do that. Sal was also saying that he doesn't bad mouth Gary now that he's working there and he always says that Gary is a great producer. Gary broke in and said that's not true, he's called him a horrible producer a bunch of times. Sal said he just does that to get under his skin.
Richard said that they're okay with Artie saying that their bits are crap if he wants to and they'll just have to deal with it. Artie told Sal to just fuck off then if that's the way they feel. Howard said that Sal calls Gary a shitty producer and talks about Artie's father falling off a roof, but then he gets upset when Artie goofs on him.
Sal was still saying that they don't appreciate Artie taking jabs at their work, but it's probably just their paranoia and insecurity. Howard said that Sal is still goofing on Gary about his work there so he should suck it up. Sal said he just does that as a goof though. He thinks that Artie is being sincere when he says that they suck.
Richard said that they're really not back in the office stewing about this stuff. They might get mad at Artie once every two weeks or so. He told Artie not to censor himself because they can take it. Artie said that he wasn't looking for their permission to rag on them and called Richard a dope for thinking that's what he wanted.
All of the guys said that they were going to move on from today. Artie still sounded irritated and told Sal that he really hates his guts and told him he's a phony faggot and a dummy. He told the two of them to stay away from him. He said that he doesn't like either of them. Artie said he's being honest and he doesn't like either of them. He said that he's seen what they are for the serpent, pussy homos that they are and now he doesn't like them.
Sal said that he was going to go watch Beer League this weekend and give him another review. Artie said he doesn't care what he thinks of the movie. He told him that he will never work in this business after this show because he's nothingness and he sucks. He told Sal not to come to him outside because he'll drop him out there. He actually started throwing stuff at Sal after that so Robin told Sal to get out of there. Howard asked Artie what he was doing. He missed it so he asked him what was going on. He told Artie that wasn't cool to throw stuff. Artie said he didn't care and asked Howard to fire him. Howard asked him if that's really what he wants.
Artie said that he's serious and if he sees Sal outside he's really going to drop him. Howard told him he can't do that and wondered what he did that set him off. Artie said that he just can't be around him because he's a phony, so fuck it. He said if Howard wants him to leave, he'll leave. Artie said that they hired a stalker and he can't get away from him. Artie threw a CD at him and something else.
Howard said it's good that he didn't throw something that could hurt him. Artie said that he could have hit him in the eye with it. Artie said that he probably doesn't belong in the business and he never has. Artie said that he really doesn't like Sal and his phony crap and he can't be around him. Howard said he's putting an end to this and these two will get along. He said they'll get along just fine. There will be no more discussion about this. It was fun up until now. It was getting too real. He thanked Robin for making it worse.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Richard shouldn't be complaining about getting no attention when Artie just gave him a gift yesterday and Howard gave him 45 minutes to talk about squirrels. Howard said he can settle this in 2 seconds and asked Artie if he wants him to do it. Howard asked Artie to promise not to throw anything at him.
Sal came back in and said that he understands Artie's anger. Artie said that he doesn't and this is all about his insane phoniness. Howard said that he doesn't think that it's phoniness. He thinks that it's Sal not knowing how to speak. He said he wants to make things comfortable for these guys there. He told Sal that he can't keep going at it with Artie. He said he knows that they do like each other, at least up until a few days ago. Artie said that he's never liked Sal. He said he's always thought of him as a creep. Now he's stuck working with him.
Howard asked Artie if there's anything about Sal that he likes. Artie said that there's not one thing about him that he does like. He's got a lot of people in his life like that. Howard said he loves them all and asked Artie if he's interested in working there. Artie said he hates working even though this is the greatest job of all time. He said he doesn't like working at all, he just wants to go somewhere and be by himself. He said that it's probably his problem, and probably not even Sal's fault. He said that he's never gotten the proper counseling that he needs. He said he can't walk around in the halls of a big corporation for too long.
Howard said that feelings will change and this is like an open sore and they need to give it the weekend to cool down. He said that they won't bring this up next week, they'll pretend that none of this happened. He apologized to Sal for having something thrown at him. He said that Artie crossed the line throwing stuff at him. Sal said that he didn't get hit though so it's fine.
Howard said they'll give this a rest next week. Sal apologized for upsetting the show and Artie apologized for throwing stuff, but this isn't going to go away. Howard doesn't want anyone coming to work feeling uncomfortable. Howard took some of the blame himself for letting this go a little too far. It wasn't a put on like he thought it might be. This was something real and Artie really hates this guy Sal.
Robin took some blame for it too because she didn't know how Artie really felt. Howard said he's taking this very seriously and he sees that Artie is deeply hurt and that Sal is hurt as well. He said he shouldn't have let it go this far and Robin said she's the one who started it up again. Artie said that if he had done what he wanted to do, he'd be in handcuffs right now.
Artie said that he doesn't trust himself now because he crossed a line that he never thought he'd cross. Sal said that he didn't lunge at him and he didn't hit him so it's a pass this time. He said that Bob Levy threw a bottle of Gatorade at Ronnie one time and nothing happened. Howard said that this is some raw nerve stuff here. Artie asked if he could smoke a cigarette. Howard told him to go ahead and do that. Sal apologized and Artie apologized to him as well for throwing stuff at him. Artie said that it's not about Beer League though. Sal just doesn't get that. Howard had Sal leave before they got into it again.
Artie apologized to Howard and Howard apologized to him as well for pushing the whole situation on the air. He didn't think they were that bitter toward each other. He told Artie that if he's going to be upset, please do it on the microphone. Artie mentioned that Cara Buono, his co-star in Beer League, was out in the green room. He just remembered that. She was there to give her friend a tour of the studio.
A caller said that this was the greatest radio ever. He said he likes that someone finally told Sal the way they really feel about him. Howard said he really has to drop this now and be a responsible broadcaster. Artie said that if this show was scripted, they'd win an Emmy. Howard apologized to Artie for making him so crazy today. He told him to go out and get some pussy this weekend. Jessica Hahn was on the phone a short time later saying that she can help him out with that. She also asked Howard not to censor the show. She didn't think that Artie went too far and it's no different than pounding a fist on a wall or something.
Howard said next week they're going to move on. Jessica said it was the greatest show on earth when that happened. Artie said that he just wanted to say one thing seriously, he then threw in a plug for his Avery Fisher Hall comedy show that he's doing later this month... NYcomedyFestival.com for tickets.
Artie said that he's upset with himself. He thought that he was past doing stuff like that in his life but now he's realized that he isn't. Howard said the cigarette was killing him. Artie said it was the only thing keeping him from exploding in his head. He said he needed some kind of badness in his body. He said he's been smoking a ton lately, so much so that the fire department almost came yesterday.
Ralph called in and said that this diet is going to kill Artie. He said that it wasn't Artie's fault and he knows that he got all worked up. Ralph said that Howard should take all of the blame, not just some of it, because he pushes these guys to the edge. Howard said that they talk about everything on the show and he honestly doesn't read every situation properly. He thought that Sal and Artie were having some fun with this yesterday and he didn't know how it was going to play out.
Artie said that there's nothing different between what he did and what AJ Benza did. Howard and Gary said that he didn't connect with him though so it's not the same. Artie said that if this doesn't work out though, he's going to have to leave. He doesn't like Sal and he doesn't think he can work around him.
Sal came back into the studio but everyone got scared that he was going to say something wrong. Sal said that Artie didn't hit him. He said that he wants to make things more comfortable for him there. Artie apologized to him for throwing the stuff. Sal said that he just wants to make sure that he's comfortable there. Ralph told him that this was annoying and he should just drop it. Gary agreed and told Sal to go do his thing and forget about it. Gary asked if they should bring it up on the Wrap Up Show. Howard told him to just drop it completely. No more of this, not on the Wrap Up Show, not on Superfan Roundtable. Howard said that he doesn't even want it on the Bubba show, Scott Ferrall's show, not even on Kidd Chris' show on terrestrial radio. No more discussions about Artie and Sal. Howard said that they've pushed enough buttons and they're done with that. Artie said that people are paying $13 a month to hear that stuff though.
Gary asked Howard what he would do if Artie asked him ''It's either me or Sal'' what would he do. Howard said he can't deal with that. Artie said that he'd leave himself if it came down to that. Howard told Gary to get out of there because he was getting it going again.
Benjy had a suggestion and said that they should fine Artie or something or else he's going to end up quitting. Howard told him he's limited to 3 meals a day then. He also suggested that they have him clean up a city street or something. Artie said he can't wait to go out and say to Cara ''So, you want to see the studio now?''
Howard wrapped up and said that on Monday, no one is going to remember this. It's going to be over, that's it. He tried wrapping things up with the guys but ended up keeping the show going for a few minutes. He said that he likes an argument once in a while, as long as it doesn't go too far. Howard took a call from a guy who said that this was the greatest moment on the show. He said that this is what Jersey guys do. Violence was the right response. That made Artie laugh. The guy said that this is what they're paying 13 bucks a month for and he loves it. The guy said that Howard is the only guy who could hold this mess of a family together for so long. He said that they should put away the sharp objects and just move on.
Howard had Sal and Richard come in so he could say what he wanted to say. Richard showed up first and said that Sal might be taking a shit. Howard said that he'd take a break first then and they'd get to this later. Howard wondered why Sal would come to work and take a shit like that. Richard said he had a newspaper under his arm when he went in there so he was prepared for a long shit. Howard said he heard that Sal does that every day there. He thinks that Sal could do that at home and not bring it to work with him.
Howard said he does try to hide his shits from Beth but yesterday he had to tell her that he had to go so she could clear the room. He said that's the first time that's really happened. He said he wasn't happy about that and he's managed to time it so he can flush as it's coming out of him but there's still a stink. Artie said that he used to play some rock music when he'd do that or jerk off when he was living at home.
Howard figured that Artie was taking multiple dumps every day but Artie said he really only takes one a day. Howard asked where Sal was. He showed up a few seconds later and apologized for taking a dump. Howard told him to do that at home and stop doing it there every day. Sal said he's trained to do it every day at the same time but Howard told him to take it back home.
Howard asked Sal how he wipes and stuff. Sal said that he just uses paper and goes up the asshole with his pinkie. Sal said that he's never had a hemorrhoid before in his life so he must be doing something right.
Howard said that this Artie thing could go right or horribly wrong. He turned the microphone over to Artie and let him do his thing. Sal was having problems with his ass hurting after his shit but Richard didn't think that he had washed his hands. Sal made him smell them before Artie got started.
Artie got to his thing and said that he heard a replay of some of the Wrap Up show and thinks that Jason is really getting beat up over all of this stuff. He said that Jason is just trying to get by and he's just doing things for the show and that's the way the show works. He said that Jason just added to the great radio they did and he wants to get him off the hook.
Artie said that he can see that they can't move on until they get this resolved. He doesn't think it's a funny thing, it's very serious. He said that he's never going to be able to forget some of the stuff that Sal said about him. He said he felt he saw the real guy when he was going off on him about his career and how he'll never have kids because of heroin and the drugs will cause him to have retarded looking kids and stuff like that. He said that Sal goofing on him about his father falling off the roof isn't all that funny either. He said that Sal comparing his phony phone calls to his movie that he worked on for four years is ridiculous. He said that kind of insult to the insult of him saying that they repeat their phony phone calls is out of line.
Artie said that stuff was big but the stuff he said was in reaction to that stuff. He said that him throwing stuff is what he has to apologize for. He said he's willing to call it even at this point. Artie said he has to apologize to Howard for throwing stuff because that was out of line. It was very immature behavior but he was red with anger at that time.
Artie said that talking to Sal sometimes is like talking to someone who isn't that bright. He said that Sal comparing his movie about Robin's meats and vegetables to his Beer League movie is just dumb and he got red with anger over that. Howard said that this isn't going very well and he's still calling Sal not so bright. Artie said he can't move on until he gets all of this out.
Sal asked Howard to please stop interrupting. Artie said he knows that Sal and Richard are smart and they're there for a reason. Howard knows what he's doing and he wants them there. It doesn't matter what he thinks. Howard said it does because he has to work there with them. Artie said he's sorry about the throwing stuff but he also thinks that these guys talking behind his back is really lame. He said that when they complained about that stuff on the Wrap Up Show, everyone knew what they thought about him. He can't trust them if he's going to go behind his back.
Artie said that Jason shouldn't be held responsible for what went down because he was just helping the show by adding stuff to the argument. Artie said if these guys can agree to not talk behind his back again, and just come to him instead, he'll be fine. He said that he may have said some fucked up things to Sal and Richard but he says them to their faces.
Howard asked Artie if he still thinks that he hates Sal. Artie said that he does have a problem with Sal and it's going to take time for it to go away. He thinks that what he said was real and if he really feels that way on any level, then he can't like him. He said that it would be very tough to like someone who thinks that way about him. He said he's not sure how he could have liked him before after what he said.
Artie said that what Sal said about him was really well thought out. He said that Richard comes off as a loveable little hayseed but then he talks about him being two faced in the back office. Artie said that if he was treated like they get treated, he'd quit. He said that he makes like 10 times as much as they do and he feels that he's still underpaid and that they're overpaid. He said that they come in and act like idiots when they do their thing. He said that he's more talented than them and that's why he makes the kind of money he does. He's sick of being walked all over the way they do. He said that he deserves the kind of money he makes and he's not on the same level that they are. He said that maybe one day they'll get better but he doesn't care either way.
Artie said that if Sal and Richard want to be treated the way he's treated, then they have to work harder and make it to where he's made it. He said that he's smarter and funnier than them and that's just the way it is. He said he's just being honest and saying this stuff to their faces. He said he's done stand-up on the road with them before and he knows for a fact that he's better than them.
Artie said that they said some evil, nasty things to him and he has to vent about this. He said he wants them to say stuff to his face if they have something to say about him. He just doesn't want them going behind his back and talking about it. He said that's the biggest problem he has. Artie said that he'll try and watch what he says about them on the air if they'll agree to say stuff to his face.
Artie said that they can take that offer and move on from there. He said he thinks that they can shake hands and move on if they can just agree to that stuff. Artie said that this is hard for him because they remind him of himself when he was first starting out in the business. He said that talking about him behind his back is really, really hurtful to him. That's why they had the big blow up last week.
Howard let Artie talk for a few minutes before he said a word. Artie vented his stuff and told Sal and Richard that they are funny and they deserve the jobs they have. He said that he knows he has a great job there on the show and he won't be as great doing whatever he does because this show is so great. He said that he doesn't feel he's any better than these guys on a personal level but on a professional level he does. He said that he's treated very well because of that. He said he would never fuck Sal's wife though and he doesn't hope that they get AIDS and die. He hopes that they live long lives.
Artie said that everything is off his chest at this point and he wants to let Sal and Richard get stuff off their chests. Robin said that they might need a day to think about it. Sal said that he didn't need to think about it. Fred told him that he might want to think about what he's going to say right now. He told Sal that he might want to think long and hard before he says a word. Sal said that he doesn't need time to think about it but Howard said he was going to take some phone calls. Gary told Howard to let Sal talk.
Sal said that he's very happy that Artie is giving them an opportunity to develop a friendship again. He said that Artie has been very good to them before and he knows that they should have gone to him instead of doing the stuff they did. Sal said he knows that things snowballed and he shouldn't have gone off on him the way he did. He kept it all in until it all came out at once. He said that the things Artie has said about his kids wasn't real and he didn't take it seriously. Sal said that Artie is absolutely right and he won't go behind his back and do that stuff. Artie told him to just do it on the air with him so they can do a bit or something, just don't talk about him behind his back. Sal said that Artie's offer was a very magnanimous thing to do. He had some trouble with the word so Artie told him to just say ''good thing'' instead of using the word.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie is a big baby and he's being ridiculous about this stuff. Another caller said that this has turned into a fag fest and they all suck. One guy told Artie to do a big bag of dope and just end it already.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that Artie came off really bad there and it sounds like he's saying that Sal and Richard aren't funny and he is but then told them that they are funny. Howard said he heard it differently and he was just saying that they're not really equals on the show. Artie said that he is treated better than them because he's up a few rungs on the show business ladder than they are.
Howard took some more phone calls and one woman said that she can hear Hallmark knocking on his door soon after hearing his explanation. She said that she agrees with Artie about what he thought but thought that was pretty funny that he thought it was some kind of peace offering.
Another caller said that you put Artie on a diet and he won't shut the fuck up. The caller said that Artie's been whining for the past week. Another guy said that Artie is correct but Sal is a big man for stepping up the way he did today. Melrose Larry Green said that Jessica Hahn is out of her mind and Artie was right with what he did. Another caller said that Artie is absolutely right and he's the fuckin' man for saying what he said to those assholes.
Captain Janks asked Artie if his mother had anything to do with this. Artie said that his mother was upset that he threw something but she didn't have anything to do with this peace offering thing. Janks still thinks that they should box.
Howard asked Richard for his thoughts on all of this. Richard said he wanted to thank Artie for this and he was really upset about what had gone on. He started to break down and said that he felt bad about the whole thing with Jason. He said he felt really bad because Artie had given him a gift that day. He said that he'll definitely go to Artie if he has a problem with him in the future. His voice was quivering as he told Artie how much he loves him and how he hopes to be able to get to where Artie is in his career. He said that he really admires him for how far he's gotten in his career like when he's on Letterman. Artie quickly mentioned that he'll be on Letterman again on November 12th.
Howard brought up the gay stuff that Richard talked about the other day on the Wrap Up Show that made him sound kind of gay. Howard said that Richard admires Brad Pitt and Artie at the same time. Richard said that he admires anyone who has worked hard and made it big. He said that he admires everyone there on the show, even Scott the Engineer and Ronnie. Howard and the guys found that kind of funny. Richard said that everyone there loves what they do and that's why he looks up to them.
Howard wrapped up with the guys and asked Artie if he's going to let Richard go to the gig he has in Cleveland. Artie said that he'd take him back if he wants to come out there with him. Richard said that he'd be honored to be there. Artie said that the crowd loves these guys even if they don't do a long thing up on stage. Howard asked if Sal will ever work with him up on stage. Artie said that they definitely will. Sal said that he can't do the Cleveland date but he would be honored to do other shows with him. Sal said he can't make it to the Cleveland thing because he has some family thing coming up.
Artie told Sal and Richard that they have to learn to suppress their anger like Robin, Fred and Howard have learned to do. Robin said that she's vented on the show and has crushed them.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that Howard is a genius for doing all of this. Sal joked that Howard had sent him an email the night before the big fight and told him to come in and tell Artie that Beer League sucked. Dominic said he wasn't trying to say that Howard would do something like that, he just thinks that this is a great show. He also asked Robin if they discussed that stuff when they went out the other night. Robin said they didn't do that at all.
Sal asked Artie if they could go out to dinner or something to get back to where they were before. Richard wanted to be left out of that, it wasn't his idea, it was all Sal. Artie said that he's fine with that and of course he'd do that. Howard said that means that Artie is going to be paying for another dinner if they do this.
Howard asked if they all wanted to hug after all of this. Artie went into his Godfather impression and said he would hug them. It was an extremely gay show today with the guys breaking down and crying and now hugging. They all hugged in the middle of the studio. Sal said that he told Artie he's an asshole and he's sorry about all of that. Richard went in for his hug and Artie said he smelled pumpkin and shit at the same time. Howard said it looked like Artie was in pain hugging those guys. Artie said that it seems they've worked things out now. Howard said they can now get back to the hard work of making penis jokes.
Howard said he was surprised that Artie was up for the hug. Artie said he was being dead honest during his speech, even if he came off as kind of pompous. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that this is all sickening and what Artie did was phony. She didn't like what he did and thinks that he didn't have to say that he was better than them. Artie said he was just being honest. He said that show business is a rare thing and some people can't pull off being self congratulatory. He said that Howard is one guy who can do it but he may have had some trouble pulling it off himself.
Jon Hein wrapped up today's special around 11:40am.
Howard started off the show talking about how John Bon Jovi was going to be coming in later this morning. Robin wondered if he had done that WPLJ celebration that they were talking about and if they could ask him about it when he came in. Howard said John might thing that they're mad at him over that kind of thing but that's not the case, they're just curious.
Howard said he was talking to Artie about The Beatles before the show. Artie said it wasn't him, it must have been Fred. Howard said he was just saying that to make it sound like he actually has conversations with people off the air. Howard was going to drop it after that but then asked Gary to bring in some interns to find out if they know their songs. One of the female interns came in and said she really doesn't know their music very well. She said she has some friends who are fans but not her. Howard said he was going to sing some of their songs for her to guess. He sang three songs and asked her to tell him which of the three was a Beatles song.
Howard sang the first song and no one knew what that one was. He sang ''Hang on Sloopy'' for the second song and then sang another. She went with song number 1 and she was right. The third song was also a Beatles song and Robin said she didn't even know which song the first and third were. Fred said that those songs were hardly Beatles songs, they were the shittiest that he could have picked. Howard said it was a contest so it wasn't supposed to be something that everyone knows.
Fred told Howard that if he's not going to do it right, then he shouldn't do it at all. Fred went off on him for a couple of minutes yelling at him about his song picks. Robin said there are people Howard's age who wouldn't have known they were Beatles songs. Howard told Fred that he was just trying to find out if this girl knew the songs. Nothing is on the line there. He told Fred that his reaction is bizarre. Fred was still going off on him sounding as if he were really angry. Howard said that he told Gary earlier that he had actually bet Gary that he could get Fred to explode by playing this game. He said he had just won $100. He was kidding about that. Fred said he could see that Gary wasn't telling the truth when he agreed with him about that.
Howard said that Jack and Rod tried a similar thing where they called a guy and asked him to figure out the song. He played the call where Sal and Richard, as Jack and Rod, called this guy and played some very well known Beatles songs for him. The guy had no idea what he was hearing even though they were playing the lyrics that were the name of the song. The guy wasn't able to get it so Richard and Sal pretend they're off the air and say the name of the song as being an Elvis song called ''Purple Haze.'' The guy pretends that he couldn't hear them and took his guess getting it wrong of course. He hangs up on them after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Fred that the whole idea of that game was to sing an obscure Beatles song. Howard took another call from a guy who asked Fred what happened to that ''I am torry'' clip from Crackhead Bob. Howard said it might be time to play the Fred theme song and ask him about that .They played that song and then asked Fred what the caller had just asked. Fred was upset with Howard about playing the song so loudly and asked him to stop talking over him so he could talk to this guy.
Howard asked Fred if he had a problem with his wife last night or something. Fred said he's fine and asked Howard if Beth is in town. Howard said she is so Fred said that means everyone is safe then. They went back and forth for a few seconds and eventually Fred played that clip that the caller asked to hear. Howard played him out with his ''Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred'' theme song.
Howard played the clip where Tracy yelled at Grillo on the Intern Show and then played Grillo's taped message about that situation. Grillo said he wasn't able to get a word in during that call so he taped this message for them to defend himself. Howard played more of that argument from last week's Intern Show and said it was pretty interesting to hear. Artie seemed to be enjoying it as well. He said there's no winning in an argument with that chick. She was pretty brutal with Grillo.
Howard had Mike the intern on the phone and he was saying that he could back up Tracy's side of the story. Howard said that they have to listen to Steve's side of the story though so he played the audio clip a short time later. Grillo said that his microphone was turned down in that Intern Show call and now it sounds like that ''fuckin bitch'' got one over on him. Grillo goes on and on talking about how he brought people to the restaurant and rambled on and on about how they were taking advantage of his kindness. He said that they were ordering top shelf liquor and they can't comp that stuff. As Grillo was going on and on Howard and Artie were laughing at him.
Howard said it sounds like Grillo was saying that he had offered them free drinks but when they started ordering the good stuff, they decided not to comp them. So he was basically backing up Tracy's story. That led to Fred doing his impression of Grillo and making fun of his comments. Howard got back to the clip and Grillo just goes on and on calling Tracy a bitch over and over and saying that she was out of line.
Grillo said that Tracy abuses Howard Stern's name and she used it there at the bar. He also said that she's just an intern wrangler. Howard said he'd like to see Tracy and Steve in the Bubba-gon. He said that might be some good cross promotion for the show.
Howard said that Grillo's wife also had some comments about Tracy. She was saying that it was wrong of her to do that to her husband and she also said that alcohol has calories so she should watch it. Howard and the guys pointed out some of the comments that Grillo had made and goofed on him about those.
Howard replayed the audio of Steve going off on Tracy from the start and had everyone laughing at him again. He says that he's dumbfounded at one point in the clip so the guys goofed on that. Howard said they have to take that tape, cut it up, and make it into a phony phone call. He kept playing the clip and laughing at Steve's comments.
Gary said that Steve the Intern was saying that he doesn't get that top shelf liquor thing because most of the guys were drinking Bud that night. He heard that one guy ordered some Petrone. Steve came into the studio and told Howard that there were 8 people there and only one of them was drinking the good stuff. The rest of them were drinking Bud Light. He said that nothing was comped at all so he's not sure what Grillo was talking about.
Ralph called in and said that he's been talking to Grillo lately and he's just crazy because he doesn't know what he did. He said that he just admitted that he did wrong when he brought up that top shelf thing. Howard said he thinks Grillo does his best when he's angry. Fred did more of his impression of Grillo and got Howard in on it as well.
Howard said they have to have Grillo back in there. He played more of him going off on Tracy where he was talking about how much of a bitch Tracy is and how the interns all hate her. Gary said that the visual in this clip is great because Grillo is going off on Tracy while his wife is sitting there nodding her head. It's all on camera and it'll be on Howard TV eventually.
Howard said that they get a lot of mail telling him to keep Eric off the show completely. The guys goofed on Eric about his fucking of his mattress. Eric said that he's sick of that shit too and people are using it to make fun of him through his Myspace account. Ralph told him that maybe he should stay off of Myspace if that's the case.
Artie asked Eric why he would announce something like that on The Howard Stern Show if he was afraid that it was going to cause problems. Eric said he was trying to offer up some truthful stuff and that's why it came out. Howard asked him if he's banned from mattress stores now. Artie asked him if he has Dial-a-Mattress on speed dial.
Eric apologized to Will after Will asked him to. Howard asked the fans not to make fun of him about his humping the bed. Ralph asked him more about that mattress fucking and asked if he uses a pillow or the mattress. Eric wasn't saying much, he wasn't sure if he should talk more about it. Ralph asked him if he's flat on the mattress or like an inchworm. Eric said ''flat'' and didn't elaborate much. He was giving one word answers.
Artie asked Eric if the bed has ever gotten jealous and asked him if he's fucking the couch. Eric didn't answer. Howard asked Eric some questions about if he uses his hand when he's humping the bed. Eric said that he does use his hand. Ralph asked him where he finishes. Eric said he uses Kleenex. He said that he makes sure he has tissue around to clean up the mess. Howard said he thought he just finished into the sheets.
Howard told Eric he has nothing to be ashamed of, everyone jerks off. He said that he knows another guy who jerks off in a similar way to Eric. He asked Eric if he had anything else to say because he had to get going. Eric asked Fred to stop playing the song parodies about him because they're over a year old now. Fred said he didn't think Eric would be up that early. Eric said he goes to sleep after the show.
Ralph told Howard to do a reality show about Eric instead of Miss Howard Stern. Eric said he's not really willing to let the cameras cover him like that so that probably won't be happening. Howard let Eric go a short time later and Fred played one of the song parodies that Eric asked them to stop playing. It was ''I'm a Midget In The Sky'' song to the tune of Sugar Ray's ''Fly.'' He played a couple of other quick ones before Howard put a stop to them.
Artie said that he's in a big feud with Bob Levy now and Levy is actually cancelling gigs with him now. He said that he's cancelling some really big gigs with him. Howard said that he gets Bob's point because he really takes joy in ripping on Bob. Artie said that this issue has been going on forever and he doesn't think that he has a good point with this Dave Chappelle ripping him off thing.
Artie said that he doesn't think that Bob's joke about ''I'm going to go home and beat my dick like it owes me money...'' isn't really his. He doesn't think that Chappelle ripped it off. He said that it sounds like one of those really old jokes that he just kind of adopted. He said Bob was very defensive about the joke. He said that the joke was said on Chappelle's show as if it was supposed to be from a bad stand-up comic, it wasn't even Chappelle using it in his act.
Artie said that he begged Bob not to go into that on the air but he did it anyway when Chappelle was on the show. That led to Chappelle calling him a hack on the show and Bob kind of came off looking bad that day. They stopped talking about that until they started doing the roasts. Artie started goofing on Bob about that rip off thing and Bob got upset with him. He said that he thinks Bob is an amazing comedian and he does better than him at comedy shows.
Howard said that Bob is probably thinking about why Artie always brings that up when he's talking about him. Artie said that he brought it up yesterday on the Wrap Up Show and that pissed Bob off so much that he started cancelling gigs. Howard said that he seems to like torturing Bob a lot. Artie said that Bob works really hard going from gig to gig to make ends meet. He said that he loves working with the guy at those shows they do. He said he does kind of enjoy busting his balls though.
Artie said that he had to call Bob and console him the day of his roast because Bob was upset with him about it. Howard had asked Gary to get Bob on the phone but he may not have been awake. They were just getting his voice mail.
Artie said that his assistant called him yesterday and said that Levy was calling all pissed off about the stuff he was saying. He said that Bob was going to keep the Pittsburgh gig this coming week but he's cancelling Atlantic City and some other gigs. Artie said that he'd hate to have Bob cancel out of these gigs because it's good money.
Sal came in and said that Bob called him and he was really pissed yesterday. He said that he agrees with Bob about the way Artie throws in all of these digs at him. Sal said that Bob told him that he's not going to be doing the Borgata gig with Artie if he's not doing it. Sal said that he's not taking sides there. He said that he was never on the Borgata gig but Bob asked him to do another gig that same night. Artie threw in a dig at Bob again when he said that Bob has a lot of Fire Houses to play in Jersey. He knew that Bob would get pissed about that as well.
Sal said that Bob is funnier than a lot of these comedians that are out there and Artie doesn't give him the respect that he should. Artie said he doesn't think that Bob is as good as Fitzsimmons or Nick DiPaolo but he is good. There's another joke that Artie said Bob uses that he thinks people have ripped off from him. He claimed that Belzer had ripped off this joke that Artie thinks is one of those old jokes that comedians have been telling forever. He's tried to tell Bob not to make a big deal about that stuff though. Howard had to take a break so he wrapped up the discussion.
Artie wondered what a Treo or a Blackberry does. Howard said it's like a phone, email and other stuff all in one small package. He said he can even get on the internet which seemed to impress Artie. Howard said he's trying to get this new laptop computer but it's been on backorder. He said he likes the Sony Vaio computers but he wants his mouse pointer in the middle of the keyboard like the IBM computers have.
Howard talked about the laptop he was looking at and how it doesn't have a DVD player in it. He said you have to use a separate accessory to add on to it. Robin said she'll have to think about that. Artie was clueless about that and didn't know anything about what they were talking about. He was figuring out what software was and what it does... finally learning about computers at the age of 39.
Howard said that Beetlejuice is ahead of everyone with technology. This past weekend they gave Beetlejuice an iPod and he was talking to it as if it were a phone. It was like he had a premonition about the new Apple iPhone and spoke to it as if there were really someone there. He played the audio clip that they played yesterday where Sal and Shuli were goofing on Beetlejuice with the iPod. Beetlejuice had a conversation with someone that wasn't even there.
Howard read an article about the new iPhone and said it looks kind of cool. He read the details about the phone and filled everyone in on the size and some of the features of the new phone. Howard said that he gets driven crazy by his Treo sometimes because the phone drops out and stuff.
Artie carries around a cell phone. He said it's a Mercedes phone that he got about 3 months ago when he bought his car. He said they gave him the phone when he bought his car and it still had an antenna. Artie said his car has an antenna as well.
Ralph called back in and told Howard to just buy the Sony computer he was talking about. Howard said he wants the nipple pointer control that the IBM has so he doesn't want the Sony. Ralph also said that the iPhone doesn't have a camera but Howard said he just read it does. It has a 2 Megapixel phone built in. Ralph didn't like the pricing of the phone either.
Howard said that if Apple makes a good product, they deserve to get a huge market share. He read more details about the iPhone and said that they're exclusive with Cingular. Ralph said their stock shot up like 10 bucks yesterday when this phone was announced.
Artie said he's way behind in this technology and it takes him like 3 days to get stuff from his buddy Frank Sebastiano when they're sharing stuff. Artie said he had a good story about that stuff and how they were trying to put the finishing touches on ''Beer League.'' They were also figuring out their vacation schedule so Frank called his manager and asked for the schedule. The manager e-mails and faxes to Frank a list of holidays that they had off. Frank got a list of the holidays they were going to be off and Frank called him and said that he could stay out late the night before Thanksgiving.
Gary came in and told Howard how Artie had purchased a really expensive computer that he never used. It sat there for 4 years and he never used it at all. Artie said he got mad one day and broke it when he got pissed off at something that rhymes with Zana. He just got a new computer over vacation. Jeff Schick came over and hooked him up with a new one. He's had it for weeks and he hasn't used it at all. Artie said he went to his web site... once.
Ralph asked Artie if anything normal goes on in his life. He always has a story about that kind of stuff. That led to Robin bringing up a story about how Artie had a tough time getting his seatbelt on in Scott DePace's car the other day when they ran out of there. Artie said that Scott's car, a Dodge Charger, looks like his car's big, dumb bodyguard.
Scott came in and explained how the car won't let them go until everyone has their seatbelt on so he had to put it on before they left. Artie couldn't get the belt over himself because he's gotten so big. Artie said he hates seatbelts because they're awful and dumb. Scott said it took him like 5 minutes to wrestle the belt on and he had to help buckle him in like a kid.
Artie said he wasn't even trying to put the belt on because he didn't want to put it on. He said his car doesn't do that when he doesn't have his belt on.
Gary came in and told Howard about the phone that Artie bought to go along with his car. The phone is really expensive and it looks really goofy. He said it costs like $1000 and it looks bizarre when you take it out of the car. Gary said that there are phones out now that will work with his car and they have Bluetooth built right in.
Artie ended up goofing on Ralph because of one trip they took in his convertible where his girlfriend had to get into the back seat because Ralph's faggot back hurt. Ralph pointed out that Dana is now gone though so it's not that big of a deal.
Artie and Ralph were still going at each other so Artie wondered whose life they'd rather have, his or Ralph's. Robin said it would be Ralph because he doesn't do anything. Artie said that Ralph is going to die broke and alone while he'll just die with money. Howard wanted to wrap up the whole conversation and move on. Ralph said that he thinks his life is more normal than Artie's. Artie argued about that and said that he goes to work so his life is more normal.
The guys talked about how Ralph is on drugs just as much as Artie is on drugs. Robin said she once saw Ralph sleeping on the street. Gary came in and said that he would rather have Ralph's life because he has no conscience. He said that someone with a conscience wouldn't have forced Dana to sit in the back seat like Ralph did. Gary said that he would love to go out to Sam Simon's place and do stuff for him to work for the time he gets to spend at his house. Ralph said he does help Sam out and he ''does the right thing'' for him. The guys thought he was saying that he does sexual favors or something but Ralph said that's not what he was saying.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ralph blows and Artie rules. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Artie stayed in character for the rest of the news and continued to rap and rhyme during the rest of the stories Robin read through. Howard asked if they could put Artie in black face and send him down to the auditions. Artie said he'd do that in a second. He was still in character when Fred played that one song he knew, ''Gimme The Loot.'' Artie knew all of the lyrics and sang along to it as it was playing. He knew it just as well when the song wasn't playing as he did when it was playing. Artie said that song is great, he asked Fred to put it on CD for him.
Howard said that on August 10th they have something very big happening. He said that's when Rush Hour 3 is opening. He had to do a commercial in the middle of all of that talk up. He then had the guys bring in The Iron Sheik. Sheik came in and said it was a pleasure to be there today. He thanked Howard for inviting him in. Howard had him put on his headphones so he could hear what was going on and then told him how his grandfather worshiped the Iron Sheik. He said he'd be so proud of him if he knew he got to meet him.
Howard said that this is two legends meeting this morning. Sheik told Howard about this medal he brought in with him. He wanted him to read it so Howard read it and it was something from 1971. He said that he came over to this country back then after being the Shah of Iran's body guard.
Howard asked Sheik who discovered him here in the States. He said it was Vince McMahon. Howard said he thinks that Vince McMahon has forgotten about Sheik and wondered if he's still on the payroll. Sheik told him that's a great question. He then started getting worked up and telling Howard that he sold out shows in Pontiac, Michigan and things like that. Then Howard asked him about Hulk Hogan and why he's still involved with wrestling. Sheik said he should be there right along with Hulk. He said that Hulk was a weight lifter and he told people not to use drugs so he wondered what the fuck he was doing.
Sheik was all over the place talking about the wrestling stuff and calling people fags. He said that Hulk is a fag to him. He said that someone asked him to break Hulk's legs one time but he didn't do it because he's twice the man that he is. He said that he's not jealous of Hulk's money but he does get pissed off when he thinks back to the days when he was acting like a phony. He said that hulk told him he ''owed him one'' one time but never did anything for him.
Howard was trying to get Sheik all worked up asking him why he's not part of the wrestling scene now. He used to be huge in the wrestling scene and now he's been forgotten. Sheik said that's true and went off on Hulk again. He said that he's a gold digger. He explained how he had left the WWE and went to other wrestling leagues.
Howard told Sheik that they found this new guy Iron Sheik Jr. (Artie) so he put him on the mic and let Artie try to get Sheik worked up. Artie did his impression of Sheik and went off on him as if he were the real Sheik. Sheik started to go off on him like battling Sheiks. Artie was talking over him and not letting him get a word in. Howard told Sheik that Sheik Jr. was getting $2 million from Vince McMahon to do his thing. Sheik told Artie to come in and show himself if he's man enough. He told him he was going to fuck his ass and break his back to make him humble.
Sheik told Sheik Jr. That talk is cheap and he should show himself. Howard had to get rid of Artie to calm everyone down. Sheik was out of breath from yelling. He said he was all excited over that and that's why he was all out of breath. Howard told Sheik that Sheik Jr. Had been signed on for $2 million and that was just wrong. Sheik asked for a cold beer and said that the guy got him all excited and if he was there, he'd put him in the camel clutch and fuck him in the ass. He said he'd do that to humble him.
Artie had been out of the studio so when he came back in Howard told Artie what had just gone on. Sheik kind of knew that it was him so he told him he'd fuck his fat ass if he fucked with him. He told him not to fuck with him because he's heard about him. He said that Artie might be bad but he's the master of the bad.
Howard told Sheik that he had Ultimate Warrior live via satellite for him. It was actually Richard Christy doing an impression of Ultimate Warrior. He told Sheik that he'd beat his ass. That got Sheik all worked up again and he was telling Warrior that he was a faggot for shaving his chest. He was ready to wrestle the guy but Howard got rid of him and said ''fuck that guy'' and moved on to the next guy.
Howard said they had Randy ''Macho Man'' Savage live via satellite as well. Sheik went off on him before they even put him up. Sheik called him a cheap, Jew, son of a bitch. Sal was playing the part of Randy and called Sheik some names and told him he was ready to wrestle him. Sheik told him he was a Jew son of a bitch a few times and yelled at him for a couple of minutes. Sal was throwing out as many racist comments as he could. He also whipped out his cock and put it next to a picture of Sheik. That pissed him off even more.
Howard let ''Randy'' go and talked to Sheik about what a great performer he is. Sheik told him he's right and he should have been treated that way. He's broke now though. Howard asked him about Andre the Giant. Sheik said he was a piece of shit too. He went off on him for a short time calling him names and goofing on him.
Howard had Bubba the Love Sponge come in because he was going to be playing today. Bubba came in and said that he was hearing all of this bullshit from Sheik and he thinks that he's just a self-promotion machine. He said that Hogan isn't a faggot and he's a very smart man who made a lot of money doing what he did. He started to argue with some of the things that Sheik was claiming and was ready to start wrestling him. Sheik was ready to take him on but Howard told them they weren't going to do that.
Bubba was saying that Sheik never won an Olympic gold medal like he claimed, he had some other kind of gold medal. Bubba was also calling him out on some other things that he claimed. He said that Sheik is just a ''jobber'' and wasn't impressed by that. The two of them went off on each other calling each other names. Sheik was telling Bubba he was a fat, ugly piece of shit... and of course a ''faggot.''
Bubba said he was sorry to Howard but didn't apologize to Sheik at all. Howard wanted to settle everything with Anal Ring Toss. Bubba said that he and Sheik had some good heat going on between them. Howard tried to calm Sheik down and brought in the hot chick that was going to have the stick in her ass.
AJ came in and seemed to calm the savage beast that is Iron Sheik. He stayed calm for about 5 seconds before Howard told him they had The Killer Bees live via satellite. They had Sal and Richard on again trying to get Sheik all riled up again. It worked. They had him yelling at them within seconds. Howard got rid of them and Bubba said that he was going to see them down in Tampa, just to make Sheik even more pissed off.
Howard said that Sheik is making some appearances at various places around the area. He said you can book him though his manager at ESSPromotions.com. You can also find out more at SheikShow.com.
Howard talked to AJ a little more and said you can find out more about Anal Ring Toss at AnalRingToss.com or buy AJ's movies at ChesterMolestHer.com. He also said that they have Clips4Sale.com as the sponsor of this event.
Howard calmed everyone down in the room and had AJ prepare for the game. She laid down on the floor with the stick up her ass that the guys were going to toss the rings on. AJ was 20 years old and has some porn movies coming out that can be found at the web site Howard mentioned earlier. AJ said she wasn't raped or molested as a child or anything like that. She said her parents aren't too thrilled with what she does for a living though.
Howard had Artie go first. He said that it was much further than it was at K-Rock so it wasn't going to be easy. Artie, the Lord of the Anal Rings, threw his rings and missed all five. Howard asked AJ if she does this stuff much. She said she does it quite a bit at bachelor parties.
Bubba went next and threw his rings. He missed all five and Sheik called him names while he was missing. Sheik was up next. He started throwing his rings and missed all five. Howard asked him what happened there. Sheik said that he'd like to try one more time. Howard said they were going to have another round since no one got any.
Howard had Sheik go first. Sheik had the chance to win $2,500 if he had gotten any on. He had only 3 this time and missed all of them. Bubba was up next. He threw and missed all three as well. AJ was having some trouble staying in position since it was so uncomfortable. Artie went next and missed all three as well.
They had to do yet another round so they moved everyone even closer to AJ. Sheik went first and got all three since he was so close. Howard gave him the prize money since he needed it so much. Howard wanted to end the event but Artie wanted to defend his Lord of the Anal Rings title. He threw his rings and got one of the three on.
AJ was able to remove the stick from her ass so Howard was going to talk to her a little more. He asked her about her movies and found out that her new movie is called ''AJ the SoCal BroHo.'' She explained what that was about and it didn't make a lot of sense. Will told Howard that she wanted to ride the Sybian too. Howard had the guys prepare it so she could take it for a ride. AJ got on and took it for a ride. She was kind of nervous about it. Howard said that this machine is guaranteed to give a woman an orgasm.
Gary started out low and slowly turned up the power. AJ said it felt really good even though it tickled. Gary jacked it up slowly and AJ said she was getting horny. She said that it was pretty cool. Sheik said he was getting horny too. AJ said it still felt pretty good but she wasn't finishing. She told Howard it was crazy. They eventually stopped the machine since she wasn't getting off. She said it felt really good but she didn't have an orgasm.
Howard thanked AJ for coming in and wrapped up with her. He gave her some plugs for the web sites that she was plugging. He also thanked the Iron Sheik for coming in and Bubba as well. He had the two of them shaking hands before they went to break.
Howard had Fred dig out the song so he could hear what it was that the woman was freaking out over. Fred played the song and Howard said it's actually a good song. While Fred was playing that he played some fighting sound effects to go along with the story. Howard said he likes the song but Artie said ''Ho-mo!'' to him when he heard that. He said he wasn't going to punch him in the face or anything.
Howard said he's not a huge Coldplay fan but they do have some really good songs. He said that it reminds him of that Ann Murray song that Artie sings. Fred said he likes Artie's song better, he thinks that Coldplay is a ''wimpy U2.'' They played the Artie song and Howard said that it seems like Artie can actually sing. Robin said that's not the case but he does sell it. Artie said that the key to singing is breathing and he's not sure how singers do it.
Howard said that he saw that the doctor who gave Anna Nicole Smith her implants wants to release a video of her last surgery. It's been blocked by Howard K. Stern though. He said that it's weird that people care about her now that she's dead. No one seemed to care when she was alive.
Howard said that there's a new porn movie coming out called ''Long Dong Black Kong'' and there are some people upset that they're referring to black guys as ''black kong.'' Howard read an article about the whole thing and said that they movie company is saying that it's just a parody, the name is totally innocent. The guys talked about that and how a lot of the black on white porn movies are promoted as being ''wrong'' or ''taboo.'' Howard played some audio from one porn movie where the woman is saying the N-word as a black guy is banging her.
Sal had to come in to look at something on Howard's computer and told him that he'll be looking at another movie today called ''Big Black Beef Stretches Little Pink Meat.''
Howard read that there's this new weapon out that can make people vomit. It's a flashlight that changes wavelengths and can make people puke. He figures that Bubba will get a hold of one and use it on his show.
Howard said that someone suggested that he take over for Larry King who he thinks it might be time to hang it up. Howard wanted to thank that reporter, from the Rocky Mountain News, but he wasn't able to find his name. Howard said that maybe when he retires he'd do something like that.
Howard listened to another racist porn clip that the guys put up for him. The woman was using the N-word in that clip of course. Howard said it sounds like those guys are ripping her apart and he doesn't like that. One of the guys said that her pussy was talking or something so the guys wondered what that meant. Howard also said that no white guy could ever make that chick feel the way she does in that clip. She was moaning and screaming like crazy. Fred played some Jackie audio clips since she sounded a little bit like him yelling. Howard said he's never had to calm chicks down when he's having sex.
Richard said that he's not sure what he'd do but he wasn't going to suck Sal's cock. Richard said that he'd stick his toe in Sal's ass. Howard told him that he has to take Sal's toe but then just gave up and gave Richard the underwear.
Sal came running in and said that he was willing to give Richard a skid mark from his forehead to his chin. The guys suggested he just paint Richard's face with his cock instead. Sal said he wasn't sure he wanted to do that. Sal said that he would like to get some money so Howard asked Gary if they had any to give him. He said that they did have $500 courtesy of BeeCeuticals.
Howard told the guys to do this quickly. Sal came in with his ''paintbrush'' and some paint. Fred was laughing when he came in. Sal had some shit brown paint to use on his face. He said he was going to give him some stripes first and started to paint. Richard was getting a few pair of underwear for this while Sal was getting $500.
Sal did some painting and told Richard ''get down there faggot'' as he was doing it. Howard asked Sal to describe it as he was doing it. Robin said it looked like Sal was getting excited. Sal was just laughing and saying it felt fantastic.
Sal ended up hitting Richard in his mouth so the guys all went nuts. Artie said that it's now official, Sal's cock went in Richard's mouth. Richard had blue paint all over his teeth according to Sal. Will said that Richard looked like an Indian... ''Chief Big Fag.'' Richard said that it didn't go inside his mouth, it just hit his teeth.
The Howard TV guys replayed the clip where Sal's cock went in there and got a lot of laughs from the guys. Richard said that he's not the gay one, Sal is. Sal was the one who stuck his dick in his mouth. Howard TV replayed the clip again and got the guys laughing again.
Howard took some calls and one guy said that those guys are gay and they'd do that stuff for free if they asked them to. Another guy asked Richard to smudge his face on a piece of paper so he can frame it and hang it on his wall. Another caller said that this is rough to hear first thing on a Monday morning. Howard said that they've been up for hours so this isn't ''first thing'' for them.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he messed with OJ the other day. He called into a show and asked OJ what he thinks of Howard Stern. OJ said that he used to be on the board at Infinity years ago and talked about how he used to see him once in a while. Howard said that they kicked him off the board of Infinity after he killed two people.
Howard let Richard and Sal go after that. Richard was trying to talk but Howard said it was tough to talk to him when he had cock paint all over his face. The Howard TV guys showed the clip again and paused it where Sal's cock is resting on his lip. Sal was laughing his ass off at the video. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said that he wanted to shake his hand and wanted to smell it after that. He told Scott that people talk about Scott like they do about Warren Beatty. Howard said that Scott was able to fly under the radar though. Howard said that he heard that he got Pam Anderson as she was getting off the bus from wherever she came from. Scott said that she was natural back then and didn't have any implants or anything. He met her at the Playboy mansion and her issue hadn't even come out yet. She was on the cover of the magazine and he just happened to meet her there.
Scott said he had walked up to the bar with his friend Steve and they saw these chicks coming in and one of the girls that walked in saw him and said that she had a dream about him. He said that was the perfect opening for someone like that.
Howard asked Scott when he first started getting laid. Scott said he was 16 but it wasn't in high school because he wasn't going to school, he was doing Happy Days at the time. Howard figured that Scott had been with thousands of women but Scott said it might be closer to one (thousand). Howard said that they're some of the most beautiful women in the world too. Gary said that even if Scott was with 100 women a year, that would bring him up to around 3000 women. Scott said he had long term relationships in those years so it probably wasn't that many.
Scott said that this has just been his life and he would have sex with fat chicks too. He said that it was all fun stuff and some of the ugly chicks were very appreciative. He said that some of the ugly chicks would suck him like they had a gun to their head.
Scott said that he did a count of the number of playmates he's been with and it was up there at about 23 or so. He said he actually got banned from the Playboy mansion after he had been with every Playmate from that one year, which was 88 or 89 according to Scott. He said he got a call from someone at the mansion and was asked to slow down a little bit. They told him he had gone too far and he'd been with some of Mr. Hefner's girls. He may have been interfering with some of those relationships.
Howard asked Scott if he had women who had heard about him and wanted to be with him just because of that. Scott told a story about going to a Playboy party and one of the butlers walked up to him and said he never really ''got'' him. The guy said he didn't know how he got so many women. He then said he gets it now and told him that he heard two women discussing him. He said that one of the girls told the other that he had to be with Scott because he can make her come a lot. Scott said that his thing is to please the women so that's the reputation he had.
Howard said that the reason he makes women come a lot is because he's a good looking guy and he's wealthy so that gets them juiced up a bit. Scott said he's good at oral so that's part of it too. He said that he really loves and enjoys doing that stuff so that's why he can get into it that much. Howard said that being with a Pam Anderson must be tough because she's so hot. Scott said that he can go forever with someone he's really into but if he's not, he's done in a second. He said he can really concentrate on a chick if he's into her.
Howard told Scott that he should write a book about this. Scott said he had an offer but there were some issues and it turned into a mess. Artie told Scott that he really likes his reality show ''Scott Baio is 45 and Single'' so he got into that a little bit. He said that he heard a story that Scott told about banging Erin Moran when they were working together on Happy Days. He talked about how he was actually banging the couch instead of Erin at the time.
Scott said that he learned early that he shouldn't shit where he eats. He said it got very awkward being with Erin when they were working together. He said that the relationship dissolved into nothingness and hatred. He said that making out with her was really tough after they broke up. He hated her by that point and she hated him so it was hard to work together.
Howard asked Scott how he handles a woman who has vaginosis, a smell down there. Scott said that he has told women that they stink down there. He said he got rude after a while and he'd just stick his hand down there and he'd get it up near their nose and if they flinched, he'd say ''Well, it ain't me.'' He said that he'd do other things if they were smelly down there.
Howard asked Scott if he was ever turned down. He said ''of course'' and said that Playmates would turn him down and things like that. He said that Jenny McCarthy once pulled some shit with him one time even though he hadn't been with her. He said he met her at a club called Bar 1 and said hello to her. He was pretty sure she was married at the time. He said she told him that she was a big fan and then he saw her out again another time. She had separated from her husband then so he asked her out. They were going to go out a few days later but she never called him back. He said the next thing he knew, she was on a radio show... probably Howard's, that he was stalking her and she couldn't get away from him. He said he didn't know what she was talking about though.
Scott said that Jenny was out at a restaurant one night so he went in and told her to never talk about him like that again because she doesn't know him. He said he never does anything like that. He said that it's all old shit and he'd like to talk to her and put it all behind them.
Howard asked Scott how long it took to get in Pam Anderson's pants. Scott said if he likes a chick, he'll wait a month or so. He said that he figured that every guy was looking to be with her so he figured that holding out a while might be the best thing to do. He said that he waited a month and a half to be with Nicolette Sherridan and she wondered why he was waiting so long when he finally asked to kiss her.
Howard said that Scott had Heather Locklear in her prime too. Scott said that she's a great chick and what you see is what you get. He said that she was his first real love of his life. He was 21 years old at the time and thought about marrying her but she turned him down. He said she was smart for doing that. Howard asked Scott about all of the different types of chicks that he's had. He named just about every race.
Howard asked Scott if he ever had sex with Tori Spelling. He said he knows her but that's never happened. Howard asked him if he's ever had a woman offer to pay him to have sex. He thought about it and said they wouldn't have to pay him.
Artie brought up this guy Johnny V who is one of Scott's best friends. He gets laid thanks to Scott and without him he can't get laid. Scott said he once heard Johnny tell a girl that if she wanted Scott, she had to go through him.
Gary said he got a call from Scott years ago after Erin Moran was on the show and yelled at him for letting her say something about him having a small penis. Howard gave Scott a plug for his TV show after that and Artie said that he really can't wait for the next episode which is very weird with him and reality shows.
Howard asked Scott what he's worth. Scott didn't say exactly what he's worth but he is a millionaire. He said he didn't stop working from the age of 14 or so. He's directed shows and things like that over the years as well.
Howard gave Scott an F, Marry Kill for Pam Anderson, Erica Elaniak and Nicole Eggert. Scott said that he would kill Erica, only because he'd have to, he'd marry Nicole and F Pam. Howard asked him if she's great in bed. Scott said that it was great because he loved her. He said that he's not into crazy stuff either. He said he just likes to make love. He said that she is good in bed. Howard asked him who was the best. He said that Heather Locklear was the best. He said that she's so adorable that you want to bite her nose off or rip her head off.
Howard threw names out to Scott and he'd give ratings for how good a lover they were. Denise Richards was a 3 according to Scott. He said that things weren't great for him. Brooke Shields he never slept with or even fooled around with. Beverly D'Angelo was a 10 according to Scott. He said that she's a great broad. He said that she was able to shut him down with one sentence. He said he was at Liza Minelli's house and he saw Beverly there. He liked her overbite and thought it was very sexy. He said that she told him that she didn't have an overbite, she had a cocksucker's mouth. Scott said he turned and walked away after that.
Howard read that Scott had been with Liza Minelli. He said that he was with her because of who she was. He said that she was about a 7 on a scale of 10 as far as being a lover. He said that she was about 49 when he did her and it was very unique. He said they were together two times and she was a dancer so she had a good body at the time. Scott said she's a fun chick and she was into it at the time. Howard wondered how he broke it off and didn't make her hate him. He said that he just told her that he'd probably slowly pull away and he wanted to let her know before that happened.
Scott said that almost all of the chicks left him because they wanted him to commit and he wouldn't do that. Howard asked him about Melissa Gilbert. Scott gave her a 10. He said that she was a great girl and he just spoke to her before he came to New York. Howard said that on one of the shows Julie McCullough claimed she had her first AIDS test because she was so afraid of all of the people Scott had been with.
Howard asked him why he turned down the movie ''Top Gun.'' Scott said he was just joking when he said that in an interview one time. He said he never turned that down. Howard asked him if he ever had a woman tell him she was pregnant with his baby. Scott said that she told him she was pregnant, 6 months after they broke up, but she was only 4 months pregnant. He said he never heard from her after he told her that she was lying.
Howard asked Scott how long he waited to get into Nicolette Sheridan's pants. Scott said she was the one with the month and a half and it was amazing. Howard told him that it's an amazing life he's had. Howard said that when you have options like that, it's no wonder he's not married. Robin wanted to know how he got back into the Playboy mansion. Scott said he had to grovel on his hands and knees.
Howard asked Scott if he ever had any gay sex. Scott quickly said ''no'' to that. Howard and Robin asked him what his family thought about this. Scott said his father loved that he was getting all of these playboy chicks and he had a subscription to the magazine and he'd ask him about each of the girls and if he knew them.
Scott said that he got Pam Anderson her job on Baywatch. He sent her picture over to the casting people and they asked to see her. Scott also said that about a year and a half into the relationship Pam came to him and told him that she was going to get her breasts done. He said that he thought she was going to get them smaller but then he found out she wanted them bigger and he knew something or someone had gotten to her. He said that she had changed at that point. Scott said that he got very jaded in his life and stopped caring about having all of these chicks that he could do. He said he would have a bunch of women in bed and he'd just go out to smoke a cigar.
Scott said that he wants to get married now so he can have a kid and just relax. He said he's physically exhausted too. He doesn't want to be the guy in the bar trying to pick up women. Howard took some phone calls after giving him another plug for his show which airs Sunday nights on VH-1.
A caller thanked Scott for being so honest and talking about this stuff unlike so many other guests. The guy also asked about Josie Davis who was on Charles in Charge with him. Scott said that she was an ugly duckling on that show and she turned out to be a very beautiful woman. Howard wondered what happened to Nicole Eggert. Scott said that she just doesn't care anymore and now she's into real estate.
Richie Wilson from Howard TV called in with a clip of Jenny McCarthy talking about Scott. In the clip Jenny talked about what went on between her and Scott. She had said stuff about him on some other show but explained it on Howard's show.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Erin Moran mentioned how small Scott's penis was on his show. Scott said he has a normal sized penis and it's not small. Another caller asked Scott if he'd throw Robin a bone. Robin said she doesn't need that. She's no charity case.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Scott if he's had any plastic surgery. Scott said he doesn't need any of that stuff. He said his parents look young too so he's lucked out. Howard said that Jason Hervey is out in the green room with him. He said they'll have to say hello to him as well. Ralph called in and asked if Scott had been with Christina Ricci. That move was ''Cursed'' but Scott said that he just hung out with her for a few weeks.
Jason Hervey came into the studio a short time later. He actually created the show for Scott. Gary told Howard that Jason is married to a porn star and showed him some pictures of her. Howard said that she's hot too. He asked him if she's still got the big balloons. Jason just laughed. He said that he's been married to her for 9 years now. Jason said that his friend Johnny Fratto said to say hello to them.
Howard asked Jason about his wife and what his family thought about him marrying a porn star. He said that they're fine with it and they all love her. Howard asked Scott if he tried to get her. Scott said that he hasn't tried to get her. Howard told him to stay away from her.
Howard said that Scott seems like a smart guy and wondered if he's ever thought about these chicks being too vapid for him. Scott told a story about this chick he met who was a 15 on a scale of 10. He said that this Bob Dylan song came on the radio and she didn't know who it was. He explained to her who it was and she said she thought that he was in The Who. He said he literally stopped the car and told her to get out of the car. He said that she was so stupid that she's probably still trying to find her way home.
Gary told Howard he was reading the bio on Jason's wife Angel Heart. He said that it was a tough read and he wasn't going to talk about it because it was kind of brutal. Howard asked Scott if he's ever had to pay for sex. Scott said he did pay for it one time at the Chicken Ranch. He said that he just wanted to find out what it was like and he found that it sucked. He said that the chick was like a robot and it wasn't all that great. He said that he only paid $170 for a $300 lay.
Ralph called in again and asked Scott if he thinks that there aren't really that many really hot chicks out there. Scott said that there are some chicks who are pretty hot but they're not like Pam Anderson and Heather Locklear types.
Ralph asked Scott why he wants to get married because even someone like John Stamos thought that it was a good idea but that marriage didn't last. Howard said that Stamos has an impressive list of chicks but not as impressive as Scott's list. Howard said there is only one Scott Baio. He asked Scott if he's ever had an amputee. Scott said he's had some infirmed people. Howard asked him if he's ever done anyone that he's upset over. Scott said that he doesn't have any regrets. That was the road he was on and that's what he did.
Joey Boots called in and said that he thinks that Scott's career has been great. He said that he followed him from when he was on Happy Days. He said that he used to dry hump his hand to Scott when he was growing up and he'd love to lick his asshole if he ever had the chance.
Howard asked Scott if he ever had Anna Nicole Smith. Scott said he didn't but there was a rumor that the baby might be his. He said he didn't even know the woman. Howard told Scott that his show is great and gave him another plug for that. Robin asked Scott why he wants to marry this chick. Scott said that he'll leave it up to everyone to watch but he also said that she's a great chick and she's the only one who doesn't want to change him.
Jason Hervey told Howard that he came up with this idea for the show when they were hanging out one time and he pitched the show to VH-1. Artie asked him if he'd pitch a show called ''Artie Lange is 39 and Fat'' to them too. Howard wrapped up with the guys a short time later. He gave him another plug for his ''Scott Baio is 45 and Single'' show and then went to break.
Andrea asked Artie if she wanted to go on a date with her. Artie said he absolutely would but he did think she looked a little heavier than she has before. Howard asked her to pull down her pants so he could see her ass to see if she was heavy. He took a look at that and found that she looked fine. Artie told her to stay just the way she was.
Gary said that Andrea got into a car accident after getting out of rehab and knocked out two of her teeth. She talked about the rehab thing and how she was in for 8 weeks but she's still drinking. Howard didn't think that it worked for her. Howard also heard that she got married and divorced as well. Andrea said she just filed for divorce yesterday. She just got married on January 10th. She said that her husband was a complete mental case and a total obsessed fan. She said he found out all of this crazy shit about her and she never really loved the guy, she just wanted a ring. Andrea said she had to get a divorce after finding out how crazy he was.
Howard said that Andrea is on a team with Bob Levy and Crackhead Bob today. He said that all three of them are kind of slow. Howard then introduced the porn stars who were going up against them in this contest. Trina Michaels was first up and said she thinks she knows stuff and they should be able to beat the other team. Howard read some stuff about Trina and found she's done Double Anal in her movies. She said that's two guys in her at the same time. The guys wondered how that works. She explained it and Levy said it sounds like it's two fags fucking her in the ass.
Trina said that she doesn't like doing a lot of anal because some positions do hurt. She said the Cowgirl position is one of them. Howard asked Andrea if she would ever do porn. She said she wants to do voice overs, not actual porn. She said she has dreams and if she doesn't make it, she doesn't make it. Howard asked Crackhead Bob if he's ever done a chick in the Cowgirl Position like Trina was talking about with the anal thing. Bob said he hasn't but Andrea said she has done that.
Howard moved on to Liv Wilder and found out that she's blown guys who have stuck their penises through a glory hole in a book store. She said they don't use condoms when they do that either. Howard also read that she's had an umbrella stuck up her ass. She's a married woman and her husband apparently doesn't mind doing that. She said that her husband doesn't mind her doing that or even working at the Bunny Ranch. Howard said she's playing for plugs so he's going to hold off on that for now.
Howard moved on to Lyla Lei and played a clip from one of her movies where she did a black guy. Howard said that she has something in common with Robin and they both use vegetables to get off. Lyla also says that she has to pleasure herself a couple times a day even when she has sex. She claims that she sees ghosts as well and they have talked to her. She was told that mooning the ghosts is the best way to get rid of them. Artie asked her how long she's had a problem with Angel Dust. She had no idea what he was talking about. Artie said that it does sound like the symptoms of using drugs. Lyla had a bit of an accent even though she grew up in this country. She blamed that on her parents because of the way they spoke.
Robin said she thought that the Slow Adults team were going to win today. Artie said that the new name for that team was going to be ''Two Boobs and Two Bobs.'' Howard got into the game a short time later and said that the players had to answer the questions on their own without the help from their team. Howard asked Andrea ''Name a fruit that begins with the letter L.'' Artie threw out ''Liberace'' before Andrea answered with ''Lemon.'' Andrea won a plug but her plug was having her hair stylist sing a song.
Howard moved on to Trina and asked ''What does it mean if an animal is nocturnal?'' She got that right so she got a plug for her web site TrinaMichaelsXXX.com and AssassinPictures.com
Howard moved on to Bob Levy and asked him to spell the word Prophet. Bob spelled it ''PHOFET'' so Artie got in a laugh. He tried again and spelled it ''PHOET.'' Everyone laughed at him again. Howard asked Liv to spell the word and she spelled it ''PHROPHET.'' Crackhead Bob was up next and he wasn't able to spell it either. Howard went to Lyla and asked her to spell the word. She spelled it ''PROFIT'' and got it wrong. Andrea tried and actually got it right. Howard said she's going to get her friend in there to sing then.
Howard went to Liv again and asked her ''Who is Wolf Blitzer?'' She knew he was a reporter so she got a plug for Cathouse which is on HBO. You can also see her at LivWilder.com.
Howard asked Bob to spell Prophet again and he still wasn't able to do it. Howard went to Lyla and asked her who played in this year's Super Bowl. She said ''Tony something...'' and didn't seem to have a clue what the question even was. Howard asked her what two teams played. She said it was ''Chicago and the Bears'' and got it wrong. Andrea tried answering and said that it was ''Manning and... God Damnit!'' She missed so Trina came in with the right answer and got another plug for her web site.
Howard got back to Bob and asked him to spell Prophet again but Bob begged for another question. Howard asked him to spell February. He spelled it ''FEBAURAUY'' and then ''FEBAURY.'' Liv spelled it wrong, Crackhead Bob wasn't able to do it either. Howard asked him to count to 5 instead. Bob was able to do that so he got a plug but didn't actually have one so Bob said he was going to put him on his show this Saturday. Howard gave Bob a plug for his show because of that.
Howard asked Lyla to spell February but she couldn't do it either. Andrea asked to spell it but even she wasn't able to do it, and her birthday is in February. Howard asked her to try again and she spelled it ''FEBURADAY.'' Howard spelled it for everyone since none of them were able to do it.
Howard went to Trina with the next question and asked her ''What direction on a map is to the left?'' She got it when she said ''West.'' Howard gave her more plugs for her web sites once again. He then went to Bob Levy again and asked him to name 3 continents. Bob said ''Oh fuck, uh...Asia, uh, Asia...uh, Europe and uh Germany.'' Howard told him he was wrong and asked Trina to give him an answer. Artie told Bob that he never wants to see him again after this. He's retarded. He pointed out that Bob just said Germany.
Trina said that Asia, Europe and North America were her answers so she got another one right. Howard said that the porn stars were pulling way ahead now. They only had two questions left. He asked Crackhead Bob to divide 75 by 3. Howard asked him to work it out loud so they could hear his thought process. Bob had no idea. Andrea said she knew it. Howard wanted to give Crackhead Bob a question that he could actually answer. He asked Bob what Neil Armstrong is famous for. Bob mumbled some answer that made no sense and made some sounds while giving the answer. Bob was grunting like an animal and counting down from 5 and saying ''Up, up, up.'' Howard gave it to him since he was close enough.
Howard went to Lyla again and asked her ''The term Feline refers to what?'' Artie was still making fun of Crackhead Bob while Lyla tried to answer. She said that she was thinking that it means something about money... like a ''fee line.'' Artie thought that was pretty funny. Howard asked Andrea if she knew. She said it was a female dog. Howard asked Trina who actually knew it was a cat. The score was 6-4 with the Porn Stars winning. He gave Trina another plug and then asked Shuli to come in and give them some words that Bob Levy can't say.
Howard gave Lyla some plugs for her web sites LylaLeiXXX.com and GoldStarModeling.com. He also gave Bob Levy some plugs for his upcoming comedy shows and web site RevBobLevy.com.
Howard spent a little time talking to the girls about their stuff and then had the guys bring in Andrea's friend to sing her song since she won that. Andrea said that her friend has been her hair dresser since she was 13 and she's her best friend. The friend's name was Letisha Wolfe. She played guitar and sang a song about Andrea and her drinking. She stopped after just a few seconds so the guys told her to keep going. She continued for a little while.
Howard asked if anyone wanted to ride the Sybian before they ended this. Liv volunteered very quickly so Howard told her to go over and take it for a ride. She has been on one before so that's why she was so excited to get on. Howard asked her if she wanted to take off some clothes for them. She did that and got back on. Gary then started up the machine and started her out slow. She asked for him to raise it up so Howard told him to just bring it up all the way. Liv started moaning after about 30 seconds and said she loves that thing. She grunted and moaned for a short time and then completed her ride. She was shaking according to Howard. Gary said that she actually road the thing with her legs off the ground. Bob Levy said he even came during that. Liv said she really needs to get one at home. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Today's Staff Picks special was over around Noon today. Tune in tomorrow for Fred's picks, then Robin's picks on Thursday and Howard's on Friday.
Sal Governale tells us we will be hearing the best Christmas songs in the history of The Howard Stern Show. Here is what we heard:
Sal wishes us a Merry Christmas and closes the show with the Tiny Tim classic 'Santa Claus Has Got The Aids This Year'
Howard said that if you were hot in the Valiant, you could turn on air conditioning. If you were cold, you could turn on the heat. He was getting to his point that in his limo, he can't control the temperature. He said that this maniac Ronnie the Limo Driver will never buy another limo for him. He said he was out Saturday night after going to dinner. He said that it had rained and the temperature had dropped. Beth asked him to turn on the heat so he went to do that and nothing came out. He said that cold air came out so he waited for it to warm up a little bit.
Howard said he asked his driver why he was freezing back there. He said the driver told him that Ronnie has a converter in there that has to be switched from heat to cold and it was on cold for the summer. Ronnie came in and said that he didn't build the car and this isn't the first time he's had to deal with that. Howard told Ronnie that Donald Trump has a car that Beth rode in for an interview, and he had heat.
Howard said he's going to call Donald Trump or even Dominic Barbara to find out where they get their cars built. He said he's never going to let Ronnie build a car for him to ride in again. Ronnie said that the company fucked him over and he can't do anything about it at this point. Howard asked him why he doesn't take it to get it fixed.
Howard asked Ronnie how long it took him to get his tattoo picked out and put on his arm. He said it was about 2 hours total so Howard asked him if he could take the time to get that heat problem fixed. Howard pointed out that his 1970 Valiant had heat and air conditioning at the same time.
Ronnie told Howard that the limo company went back to this technology that they used years ago where they have two separate units in the vehicle. He said the back and the front are different. He was going to explain why they had it the way it was but Howard said he wants Ronnie to tell the limo company that he's going to mention the company name on the air every day and tell people to never buy cars from them if they don't fix this.
Howard had Ralph on the phone to pile on top of him about all of that. Ralph said it's been like this from day one and they've had problems with the air and heat since then. He said that he hates to pile on top but told Ronnie that Howard shouldn't have to know about that kind of bullshit. Howard said he wants a 1970 stretch Valiant, at least that would have heat. Ronnie told Benjy to keep writing over there when he heard that joke.
Howard told Ronnie he must think he's a shit head for putting up with that. He said his parents were in the back of that car freezing the other night and he can't deal with that. Ralph asked Ronnie when he decided to switch over the heat to the air. Ronnie said he did it when the temperature started to get up around 75-80 degrees. Howard told him to maybe switch the steering wheel to the back so he can drive from the back and the passengers can sit in the front where there's heat.
Howard said it's really embarrassing to be in a limo with his girlfriend and parents and have the driver telling him that he's supposed to remember that they don't have heat because there's some valve that has to be switched. Ronnie had told Howard that there's a valve he has to turn under the hood to stop the anti-freeze from going to the back of the vehicle to get it heat. Howard said he's been in a bunch of limos and they've all had heat and air conditioning at the same time.
Ralph asked why the driver didn't switch the petcock to get the heat. Howard told him that it was only a 15 minute drive so he didn't want to get out to do that. Howard went on to ask Ronnie how many hours he was over at Scores over the weekend. Ronnie said it was probably 4 hours or so. Howard told him that he's not to go over there anymore until he gets this car fixed. He told Ronnie that he should get his money back for the car if they won't fix it. Howard said Ronnie must have wanted to get some ''Petcunt'' instead of fixing that petcock thing in the limo.
Ralph was going off on Ronnie a little bit so Ronnie was yelling at him saying he didn't need to hear his shit. Howard said that he's the only one who uses that car so it's like a ''big fuck you to Howard'' when he won't get it fixed. Artie asked Ronnie if the car builder looks at it as a problem. Ronnie said that he does see a problem and the petcock was a solution to the problem. He said they want to give him a whole new car now but he doesn't want their cars.
Doug Goodstein came in and said they found a 1985 Cadillac on eBay.com
for 400 bucks and it had heat so maybe Ronnie could get that. Howard continued to go off on Ronnie about the car and Doug was goofing on Ronnie with the $400 limo thing.
Howard said that any other person wouldn't put up with this shit. He said that no one would hire him if he refused to get something like that fixed. He said he's not going to let Ronnie pick out the limo anymore. He told Ronnie to get a bumper sticker that says ''Sucker On Board'' and stick it on the back of that limo. He said he's really embarrassed by the whole thing. He asked Ronnie if he cares about that stuff or not. Ronnie said he tried everything he could with that car. Howard said he didn't because he still has the car.
Ronnie claimed that no one told him that there was a problem over the weekend. Howard said they've been through it before so he should have fixed it then. He said that he's going to do some research and find a real company to build him a limo. Ronnie said that maybe he should put Howard on the phone with the limo guy so he can talk to him since he can't seem to get it through to the guy. Howard said he doesn't want to do Ronnie's job. He told him to take care of it himself.
Howard said that he gave Ronnie some money toward the new limo because of the other limo disaster they had with the giant truck limo. He said that Ronnie should demand his money back for the car because it's defective. Howard had a caller on the line who said that would be like buying a new plasma TV that only works in black and white and keeping it. Howard said Ronnie should be able to get a loaner car from that company while they get him a new car or fix that car.
The caller Howard had on the phone said that Ronnie would be out if he didn't do his job for anyone else. Ronnie said maybe that's what Howard needs. Howard took another call from a guy who said that he's got a horse and carriage with a blanket that they could send over for free if that's what he needs. Howard said if it's got a blanket, he'll take it. Howard said his rides aren't even that long usually so a carriage ride might work. He said he can't seem to get a break when it comes to that stuff. Another caller said he has a 1993 Ford Taurus that doesn't have heat or air conditioning in it. He said he only paid $400 for it though, not the $75,000 that Ronnie paid for the limo.
The guys were all goofing on Ronnie about that stuff until Howard took a call from a guy who gave Howard a big ''Wah! The heat in my LIMO doesn't work...'' Howard said that in all seriousness, it is a problem when you don't have heat in a car that costs $75,000.
The caller brought up last night's Soprano's show and how great it was. Howard said it really was a great episode and even Robin liked it. The guys talked about some of the scenes in the show that they liked. They tried not to give away too many of the details so they wouldn't spoil it for the people who hadn't seen it yet.
Dominic called in and said he sent over his limo to use on the show and wondered how they liked it. Howard didn't answer, he just asked Dominic if he has heat and air in the back of his limo at all times. Dominic said of course he does. He said he uses Picasso limos and they do a great job with his stuff. He's not sure how much it cost him though.
Howard asked Dominic if he could use his car when he takes Beth out. Dominic said he can't today because Jeff the Drunk is using it with Beth. Howard asked Dominic why he thinks Ronnie won't use that limo company. He said he's really not sure because he begged him to use them. He said that Ronnie could go there and they'd build him a spec limo if he wanted one. He said he's got a bed in his limo and a nice wide door to get in and out through. Howard said he's not looking for a bed, he's just looking for heat.
Howard said this is so embarrassing to him. He said he doesn't get Ronnie because this is his business and he should be able to get this stuff done. Ralph said that if he had a fleet of limos he'd probably have better luck with that. He's know what to get and where to go.
Artie said he can't believe that this guy is in business selling cars to people like that. Robin said she can't believe Ronnie would accept that they have to pull over and turn some petcock to get heat to the back. Howard said he should bust Ronnie's balls and have him pull over to switch the petcock every few minutes. He said Ronnie is really tough with everyone but this limo company. He said they've finally found someone who can take out Ronnie and it's this limo guy.
Howard and the guys kept bringing up the ''petcock'' and emphasized the ''cock'' part. Ralph thought it was great that the part in question was a petcock. He was also talking about how noisy the air conditioning was when it would start up in the limo. It was like a jet engine starting up. He was doing an impression of that making a buzzing noise. Robin said that the guy driving the limo is comfortable because he's got both heat and air. Robin said she'd be watching the weather-fucking-channel every day to let Ronnie know if he should turn the petcock to heat that day.
A phone caller told Howard that he just paid $2,000 for a 1993 car that had both heat and air. Ralph said that even he has heat and air in his car. Artie said they'd probably trying to figure out if they have to switch over that petcock today and hoping it doesn't get too hot out. Robin said that if anyone sees a limo pulled over on the side of the road, it's probably Howard just switching on the heat.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he knows why they have this petcock in there. He said that it was to save money and Ronnie probably pocketed the money he saved. The caller said that they could put in an electronic petcock if they wanted to. Artie said that you'd think that they'd only try that crap once before they'd break down and install the correct thing in the car. He said that everyone has to turn on the heat at some point during the summer, it does get cool some mornings.
Howard said he's not sure what to do about this. Ralph said that everyone is making fun of it but it's a serious problem. Howard said he likes Ronnie and hates bringing this up on the air but this made his head explode. Dominic called back in and told Howard that his limo guy told him that they usually have an electronic petcock in the vehicle if it was made to accept it initially. He was saying that they could install something that Ronnie could control with his foot. He could barely get the joke out because he was laughing so hard.
Another caller told Howard that Ronnie never should have taken that car with something that doesn't work like that. Another caller said that Howard really needs to fired Ronnie after this. He's being the same as Ronnie by sticking with a guy who doesn't do the right thing. Howard said that he accepted the heat problem before but he's usually by himself in the car. When he has guests in there, that's when he gets upset. He said his fiancé was all dressed up the other night and then he tried to get the heat on and it didn't work so he was very embarrassed. He felt like he wasn't a provider when that happened.
Howard took some more phone calls about the limo thing and another guy gave him some more ''Wah's'' about his limo not working. He suggested that he kick Ronnie out the door but Howard wasn't going to do that. Howard and Ralph talked about how upset Ronnie was about the whole thing and how moody he's going to be after going through this. Ralph said that Ronnie has had two shots at getting the right car for Howard and neither one has worked out.
Gary told Howard that they have an audio clip of Ronnie coming out of the studio and going off on Richard even though he said nothing to him. Ronnie told him not to start with him and told him to stay the fuck away from him. Howard played that and got a laugh out of it. He took another call from a guy who said that he should just wear a sweater in his limo. That might fix the whole problem. Another guy said that the if he had a good limo driver, he'd switch that petcock in the morning and then switch it again in the evening. Howard said that they shouldn't even have the petcock. He said maybe they could put it in the back so he can control it himself.
Another caller said that he has 3 petcocks that he has to switch in his old truck and Ronnie could get that petcock moved inside the car and make it much simpler to switch over. Howard said the limo guy must have really ripped Ronnie off and just stuck it under the hood. He said that Dominic doesn't have a petcock that he has to switch but Robin said he does, he just doesn't have to worry about it.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that Ronnie had just attacked Greg on the camera out there. He said he's on fire and apparently hurt by all of this stuff. Ronnie said that they never know when to quit out there. He said he doesn't want the camera light in his face all the time. He doesn't need to be followed around like he was out there. Howard told him if he's going to work there, he has to put up with that stuff. He said that he should use all of this aggression with the limo guy instead of Greg the camera guy. Doug said that Greg was just doing his job out there.
Howard asked Ronnie if he heard all of the people calling in and telling him what was wrong with the petcock thing. Ronnie said that one problem is that the company doesn't build cars anymore and he doesn't have a place to bring it to anymore. He said they moved out of state and aren't building cars there in New York now.
Doug told Howard that they had Ronnie throwing a left hook at Greg on video. They quickly showed that and Doug said he was afraid to leave after that. A caller suggested that Howard sit in the front with the driver when it's cold out. He could have Beth sit on his lap or something and squeeze in with Ronnie in the front seat. Howard had to go to break after that.
Robin wanted to hear the message so bad but Howard didn't want him to play it. Johnny explained to Howard what Eric was asking for and how he was telling him to find this guy he had a problem with and how he should know what to do from there. Johnny said Eric is going to have to get into a rougher group than with him because he really doesn't know what to do. Johnny said he has to get him the call so he can hear it on the air. Howard asked him if he called Eric back and told him they don't do stuff like that. Johnny laughed and said no.
Howard had Eric on the phone and asked him if he's nuts. Eric said he wasn't calling for a hit on the guy. He said he just wanted someone to find the guy and teach him a lesson. Howard said that message made Johnny think that he wanted him to kill someone. Eric said that's not what he wanted though. Howard said the whole thing came up because that guy called into the show last week and talked about how Eric had demanded a ramp at high school. Eric was upset and said that it was all bullshit.
Howard said he wanted to hear this message that Eric left so he asked Eric to explain it. He said Eric might be out of control and it might be a felony asking Johnny to do that stuff. Johnny was able to get the message to play over the phone so Howard listened to that. In the message Eric tells Johnny to find this guy Jerry and ''You know what to do, you know what to do... just find him.'' Artie started laughing his ass off when he heard that. Johnny said that little motherfucker is a gangster. He said he learned that Eric is a gangster this weekend.
Howard asked Eric how he explains that. Eric said he just wanted to teach that guy a lesson but then he said it was just a joke. Howard said Eric is lucky that no one knows this guy Jerry from a hole in the wall. Artie told him that he shouldn't leave a hit message on the phone. That's just not the right thing to do. Howard asked Eric if he thought that whole thing through. Eric said ''yeah'' but it didn't sound so convincing.
Howard asked Eric what he wanted Johnny to do. Eric said he just wanted him to find the guy and make him call back and apologize or something. Howard said Johnny would have to be nuts to go through with something like that. Johnny interrupted that and told Howard that Eric told him about a dream he was having and how he wet the bed while thinking about peeing in the bath tub.
Johnny said that he played that message from Eric for KC and KC was ready to go out and find the guy for him. Artie told Eric he just called the wrong guy, he should have called KC. The guys thought it was pretty funny that Eric had called for a hit and thought this was an all time classic. Artie told Eric he's all done fucking with him. Howard also told him that he's done fucking with him as well. Robin told him he's got an anger issue if he's doing stuff like that.
Howard told Eric that he really could have gotten into some trouble for that if Johnny had taken him up on the offer. Johnny replayed the voice mail around that time so Howard and the guys listened in on that. Howard was laughing and Artie was very amused by the call. They said that if that guy Jerry does end up dead or something, the cops are going to go right to Johnny because of this message. Johnny said he'll just blame Little Johnny for the whole thing.
Artie did his Godfather impression and inserted Eric into the movie. He did that for a short time and then Howard asked Eric why he would command Johnny to do something like that. He asked him if he thought that Johnny ever did stuff like that. Eric said ''no'' after a short pause.
Howard asked Eric about the peeing the bed thing. Eric said that was the first time he's done that since he was a kid. He said the pee didn't make it to the bed, it stayed in his boxers and his PJ pants. He said the material absorbed it all. Howard asked Eric if he has a mattress pad and found out he does. He figured that there has to be pee in there then. Eric said he checked and it was all in his pants.
Artie asked Eric what he was doing up at 1 in the morning because that message he left for Johnny was from 1:30am. Howard asked him more about that as well and pointed out that Johnny's father was a mobster. Howard asked Eric if that's the first time he's ever called for a hit. Eric said it was the first time. He was very upset about that Jerry guy talking about how he had demanded all of this handicapped access stuff and what a disruption it was to school. Johnny joked that he thought this guy deserved to go over that. Howard said they really don't want any harm to come to this guy Jerry. Eric said he doesn't want any harm to come to him but he does want an apology. Artie asked him to say that even if he doesn't apologize, no harm is going to come to him. Eric said he doesn't want any harm to come to the guy at all.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves Eric now even though he used to get irritated by him. Howard went to another call from a guy who said he had a theory. He thinks that Johnny misunderstood Eric and thought he was asking him to take out ''Jeni'' (Richard Jeni) and that's how that guy ended up dead. Another caller said that this guy could go to jail for something like that. He also pointed out that if he had been roasted, he might have asked to have everyone from the show hit. Artie said they should talk to a cop and find out if that was a crime already and if Eric could end up in jail just for asking for the favor.
Johnny told Howard that he's gotten a couple of TV show appearances thanks to Howard's show. He got on 1 vs 100 and also on that Identity show. He talked a little about that show and how confused people were about what he does for a living. Howard told Johnny that Eric loves to hang out with tough guys but Johnny said he's really not a tough guy. Howard said Johnny is a tough guy because he was charged with a felony one time and it was over a drug charge.
Eric had a call coming through on his cell phone so he told the person to stop calling because he wasn't going to answer while on the air. Howard felt that there was another hit coming on if that person didn't stop calling. Howard told Johnny he had to get going but thanked him for bringing this to his attention. He told Eric that it's really not a nice thing to ask his friend to do. He thanked them for calling in and let them go a short time later.
Howard said that if Johnny gets on Eric's bad side, Eric might be going to someone else to put a hit out on Johnny. A caller said he can picture Eric in the final episode of The Sopranos or something taking over the whole family. Artie said he heard they just shot the last episode of that show and he's dying to know how it ends.
Artie said he didn't know Eric had that kind of greatness in him. Howard played a prank call that Sal and Richard made using audio clips of Eric's voice. They called a store and had Eric talking about how he was going to accept the balloon stunt but the people at the store had no idea what he was talking about.
Gary told Howard they had the hit voice mail message to play if he wanted to replay it. Howard played another Eric the Midget bit that they had done one time. They had a guy call Eric as Diana Degarmo's manager and had him thinking that he was going to get a date with her. He played a few more Eric bits and prank calls that he had to play. He said that was enough of that after playing a couple of them. Then he replayed the voice mail he had left for Johnny where he asked for him to take care of that guy Jerry. Howard said that kid is a real man. Howard said that guy Jerry is probably living in Montana under the name Sarah now that he's heard about that hit. He had to go to break after that.
JD said he had some porn in his bag and went into a Barnes and Nobel and the alarm went off when he walked over to the DVD section. A security guard came over to him and asked to look through his bag. He had a bunch of porn movies in there and the security guy just went ''Whoa!'' when he saw them all. JD said he explained to the guy that he works on the Howard Stern Show and he got the videos there from the ''glom pile.''
Howard asked JD if he was wearing the same clothes he was wearing at the Stupid Bowl. JD said he was wearing the same clothes and he never went home last night. He said he had a lot of stuff to work on so he actually slept there at the studio. Howard said it's no wonder he can't talk. He said he had some tape of him trying to do some interviews out at the AVN awards and he could barely speak.
Howard played a clip of JD trying to do one of those AVN award interviews and he was having a major problem trying to get his thoughts out. The woman he was interviewing actually saved him and answered his question before he was done stumbling. Howard wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Robin said she was talking to JD about how he spent his Christmas and found out that his mother had run off to Hawaii with some guy she met on the internet at some point. JD didn't know she was going to bring that up on the air. He said he hasn't spoken to his mother in a few weeks but he claims he's not pissed off at her. He said he hasn't really seen her since he graduated from film school. He said he can't afford to go visit her in Hawaii and she can't really afford to fly back to New York.
Howard tried to figure out how the conversation may have gone between JD's mother and this Hawaiian guy. He wondered if the guy has one of those grass skirts. Robin laughed and JD thanked her for bringing all of this stuff up. He was being sarcastic of course. Robin said that she walked away from that conversation just thinking ''Oh my god... poor JD.'' Fred was playing some Don Ho music in the background as Howard was goofing on JD's mother and the Hawaiian guy. JD said he really doesn't think about the whole thing that much.
Howard read that JD's mother was a healer. JD said that's not true, she's an occupational therapist. Howard got back to the JD interview tape and went through a little more of that. He interviewed a black porn star and then went and interviewed some gay porn stars who were all over him. JD said that they were trying to pull down his pants and stuff. Howard played some of that and thought that was pretty crazy. The guy was unbuckling his belt as he was trying to interview them.
Howard took a call from JD's mom but it turned out to be Sal doing his Hawaiian guy impression while playing a porn clip. JD knew it was Sal. Howard got back to JD's Hawaii story and asked him more details about his long lost mother. He asked JD if he's told his mother he's banging Kimberly Kane. JD said he hasn't told her that. That eventually led to Howard and Artie saying that JD would probably turn into Curly from the Three Stooges if he showed up on his mother's doorstep in Hawaii. Fred started playing some Curly clips and Artie was doing his Curly impression during all of that. Howard thought JD was crying during that goof but JD said he was just laughing.
Howard played another JD clip where he talks to the gay guys about getting pissed on. The guy he was talking to said it was crazy but funny when the other guy started pissing on him. JD sounded more relaxed talking to that guy than he did with the female porn star he was talking to.
Howard thought it was weird that JD's mother doesn't come back to visit her family. JD said that she's not rich so she can't just fly around all the time. Howard said he'd pay for her to fly back if he wants. JD said that's not necessary, he's not looking for that. Howard asked him if he knows what this guy does for a living. JD said he thinks that he works with computers but he wasn't so sure about that.
Howard played a prank call the guys made to a toy store using clips of JD talking dirty to a porn star. He got back to JD a short time later and continued to goof on him about his mother running off to Hawaii. Artie started doing more of his Curly impression and Fred played more of the Three Stooges clips. Howard wondered if JD had ever cried over it. JD claims he has never cried over the situation but Howard found that hard to believe. Artie asked him if it bugs him that he drinks Hawaiian Punch. JD said he likes that stuff to, it doesn't bother him.
JD said that he thinks his mother is going to try and move back to the mainland eventually. They may move to Florida or somewhere like that. That got Howard doing his impression of JD's mom telling him that she's moving to Florida and then JD doing the Curly from the Three Stooges thing. Artie got in on that goof again and helped Howard goof on him. Fred even got into it and did his impression of the Hawaiian guy. Howard said he had no idea this was going on. He said JD is an interesting cat. He said it was cool that he got laid over the weekend. He also said that it's no wonder JD likes chicks on the web because it runs in the family.
Howard got back to the porn story that JD was telling. JD said he thinks he had 4 or 5 pornos in his bag when he got busted by security. He said there were balls and tits on the side of the box the security guy found. He said he had enough porn in the bag to stretch it out a little bit. Howard let JD go a short time later but continued to goof on him as he was walking out. Fred played the Hawaiian music as Howard was talking about how gross it was that JD hadn't changed his clothes since the football game.
Lisa G wrapped up her news preview and said that maybe they'll give JD's mother a call and interview her. Howard told her to leave that up to him, he might be more sensitive than the news department. Howard went to break a short time later.
Jimmy said that Grillo smelled like a bar rag. Steve said he had been working since 10:30 last night as a bartender so that's why he smelled like that. Howard moved on and talked about how Grillo was an intern for the show for about 7 years. He was in charge of making his baked potato and it was always a problem. He said that Grillo kept a diary so he was going to read some of it for them.
Artie said he always loved Grillo and all of the explanations he had for things on the show. Jimmy said that Steve had the biggest beer he's ever seen. Grillo said he has a problem and he knows he's a drunk. He said he's not an alcoholic because he doesn't go to meetings.
Grillo said that he thinks he has a gold mine of stuff in that diary of his. He said he wants a show of his own on SIRIUS. He said there are some things he doesn't want to talk about so he can't read it all. He said he found one part of the diary where he had left the show and had asked Gary if he could go to one of Howard's birthday shows. He said Gary called him back and told him he'd have to sit with the Wack Pack if he went. Steve thought that was insane and couldn't believe that. He said he did go to the party and he thought that Howard didn't care that he was there. He claims he saw him mouth the words ''Oh who cares'' when Robin told him that Grillo was there.
Steve found the passage from his diary and read through it... or tried to. He wasn't able to read his own handwriting. In the passage he writes about how Howard blew him off. He said that pissed him off when Howard blew him off that day at the party. Howard told Steve that it wasn't about him, it was a big show they were doing that day and he didn't have a lot of time to spend on him that day. Steve said he ''wasn't mad no more'' about that and has moved on. He said he just wanted a ''what's up'' from Howard back then. He couldn't even get that. Howard tried to explain to him what he was trying to do that day and how he didn't have time to say hello to him.
Steve said that he found a note that he had sent to Howard back when he had decided to leave the show. He said he asked Howard not to read it on the air but he went ahead and did. He found the letter and the part in his diary about that day when Howard read it. Steve was upset that Howard had read the letter that day and wrote about it. Howard heard that and said he'd actually let Steve do an hour long show where he reads from his diary. He doesn't even want him to figure out what he actually wrote, he wants him to stumble over it the way he was this morning.
Steve read another excerpt from his diary where he complained about Gary treating him like crap. Howard told him he sounded very bitter in those excerpts and he's surprised he didn't go around shooting everyone. Grillo said he felt like no one had his back at that time. Howard said the thinks that he's on to something reading it on the air.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Grillo must be huge because he's breathing heavy. Jimmy said it sounded like a pool raft leaking air or something. Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who said that he would put up two grand to send him to the hospital and then hung up. No one knew what he was talking about though.
Howard said they gave Steve a few minutes to do a demo radio show and he managed to interview Jodi Foster but it was horrible. Howard said it was awful but Steve thought it was really good. Howard asked Steve what happened to his hair plugs. Steve said that he had this Dr. Bernstein take them out and he did an amazing job at it. He talked about how bad the plugs turned out when he got them years ago. Robin also pointed out that he's got a bunch of tattoos on him now too. Steve said he's going to get a bunch more. He showed the guys what he had on his back and it was some kind of monster or something. Howard told him he looks silly and he thinks he looks bored doing stuff like that.
Gary said that they have the Jodi Foster interview to listen to if he wants. Steve said he has a good idea for a radio show where he has normal people review movies instead of these pompous assholes like they have on TV now. Howard asked Jimmy what he thinks about all of this. Jimmy was trying to talk to him but he was breathing heavy into the microphone. Jimmy said that he thinks that Steve should do his movie reviews in the theater, while the movie is playing, very loud.
Howard played Steve's review of ''The Departed'' to show just how awful he was at doing movie reviews himself. He only had a minute to review so he was rushing, he had no script and he wasn't allowed to practice it. Artie said he thought it was hilarious. Howard played the interview he did with Jodi Foster for his test show. Howard let that play for a minute but then cut it off and said no one knew what they were talking about. He told Steve that he wanted to give him some advice but Steve wasn't listening to him. He told Steve he's very worried about him because he's overweight, breathing heavy and getting awful tattoos. Steve said that his friend Needles doesn't deserve that, he's a great artist. Howard told Steve that he looks like he fell asleep and kids drew all over him with those tattoos.
Jimmy thinks that Steve would be great with Riley Martin on his show. Steve asked if he could do another show or not. Howard told him he'd talk to Tim Sabean and get him a show. He then took some phone calls and let the fans go off on him. One guy said he'd rather hear Eric the Midget talking for an hour before he'd want to hear Grillo for 1 minute. High Pitch Eric called in and told Grillo he's a fag. He also said hello to Jimmy and told him he loves his show. Howard told Jimmy that Eric has gout now. Artie said that Eric just eats and does nothing all day so that's why he has gout.
Howard asked Eric when he last paid rent. Eric said it was about 6 months ago but then he tried to change subjects by pitching a cooking show that he and Mariann from Brooklyn could have. Howard hung up on him and got back to Steve. He told him that he will try to get him that show. He gave him a plug for this Too Hotties thing but he didn't seem to know what he was plugging. Steve threw in some other plugs but Howard didn't understand what he was saying there either so he goofed on him about that. Fred broke into his Grillo impression and rambled some of the same lines that he had just said and goofed on him for a short time. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Howard asked Jerry about his childhood and the kind of stuff he had to go through as a black kid growing up in Mississippi. He said he didn't even want to play football, he was a nerd, but he tried out for the team after the principal noticed how fast he could run. He said he felt out of his element playing the game because he was all by himself being a nerd and all. He said that he played wide receiver and defensive back at that point. He said he found the girls looking at him differently when he became a starter. He didn't get laid until he was 18 though.
Jerry told some stories about being disciplined as a kid and how his father would whip his ass with a switch. Howard asked him if he ever got aroused having that done to him. Jerry said that didn't happen, it was never sexual with him. Jerry said that the principal of his school would whip him too. He was a black guy though, it wasn't a white guy whipping him.
Howard asked Jerry about buying a house for his mother and wondered if his parents were divorced. He said that his father is deceased. He said that his father was a tough guy but he knew that he loved him even if he never said it to him.
Howard asked Jerry about his relationship with Deion Sanders. Jerry said that he was much different than he was. He said he was a great player but it wasn't all about him. He said that when Sanders went to the Cowboys, he knew that it was going to be a big rivalry. He said he was able to win some of those battles too.
Howard asked Jerry when he knew that his football career was over. He said that it was when Mike Shanahan told him he was going to be the 4th receiver. He said that he learned that he had to slow down at that point. He said that he put his body through a lot of stuff in his career and now he's promoting this new health drink Elations. He said that has helped him out with his joints and stuff.
Howard asked Jerry about the Elations drink and let him get in some plugs for the web site Elations.com and stuff. Jerry said that he thinks that he could make a return to the game after using this drink.
Gary came in and gave some of the impressive stats that Jerry has and how he should be held in the same spotlight that some of the other big players have been because he was so good. Jerry said he thinks that he's done things in his own way and he's proud of what he's done.
Howard asked Jerry about how the first time he got laid and found out she was an older woman. She was 28 years old, 10 years older than him. He said that he wasn't banging white women back then because that was frowned upon in the deep south. He said that he still hasn't been with a white woman to this day. He said he's not racist or anything but he's not curious about what that would be like.
Jerry said that he got married when he was 23 and he met her when he was 20. He said that she was much younger than him. Jerry only had two years of getting laid before he met his wife. Howard wondered if he got any other women since then. Jerry said he wasn't going to go there with him. He said that he thinks he got enough experience with other women before he met his wife.
Jerry asked Howard how long he's been married. Howard told him he was married for 20-some years and he didn't cheat at all. Now he's been divorced for 7 years and he's getting married again. Howard then asked him what kind of porn he likes to watch. Jerry does watch it and said that he's a human being so of course he watches it. He said that they watch that stuff late at night when the kids aren't around. Howard asked Jerry where he hides his porn. Jerry would only say that it's well hidden. He didn't want to give away his hiding spot.
Howard dropped the sex talk and asked Jerry about the Elations thing and also about the TV show he wanted to start a few years ago where he acts as a motivational speaker. Howard asked him about that show and what he would do with a 300 pound man who has an addiction to Hawaiian Punch and trouble with women. Artie said that they were talking about him but these people have never seen him play a down before.
Howard asked Jerry if it was awkward in the shower when he was playing. Jerry said that you just never look below the chest. Howard said he had to have looked to see how big Deion was down there. Jerry said that he would never look. Howard said that's his fear of playing sports, he doesn't want anyone else looking at his small penis. He'd be afraid of guys goofing on him for having a needle dick. Jerry said that he never accidentally looked at anyone's penis before. He said that they have had women reporters come into the locker room and he's noticed that they have some trouble concentrating.
Howard was going to take some phone calls for Jerry but he ended up talking about how so many players have health problems after playing for years. They need to get the owners to pony up and help with the health coverage. Howard took a call after that and the guy told Jerry that he's a super star in his own right. Howard said no one was arguing that. Another caller told Jerry how great he is and got the guys talking about the players who are using steroids.
The guys spent a couple more minutes talking to Jerry before wrapping up. Artie asked Jerry a question about a game he saw at Giants Stadium back in 1987. Jerry said that he thinks that his fumble during that game probably cost them the game. He said that taught him to work harder though. He said that helped him become the player he became after that.
Jerry said that he's always been clean and never even smoked weed. Artie asked him a bunch of questions about the guys he played with and if he feared anyone in particular. Jerry said he had a lot of guys coming after him and he knew when to brace himself. He said that there were some guys who were really good and wanted to take his head off. He said he remembers one game where he was dancing around, which is something he didn't usually do, and ended up getting knocked out when someone took him down. Jerry also said that Joe Montana was the best quarterback he ever worked with.
Howard told Jerry he was impressed with how hot his wife still is after all these years. He said that some women don't keep themselves in shape but his wife has. Howard gave him some more plugs for this Elations stuff and wrapped up with him a short time later. Howard threw out one last question as they were going to break and asked Jerry if he ever had a threesome. Jerry said he wasn't going to answer that one.
Howard said that he heard Richard yelled at some kid in a theater recently. Richard said he and Jon Hein and JD went to see Transformers and this guy brought these two kids, who were probably 3 or 4 years old, to the movie. The little girl was crying and the guy let the kid run up and down the aisle to calm her down. Richard said he got so fed up he just started yelling at him to get the kid out of there and the guy actually got up and left.
Howard heard that Richard went down to Atlantic City and did a comedy show and Beetlejuice ended up in his room. He said that they ordered a pizza and Richard and his girlfriend ended up passing out drunk before the pizza showed up. The next morning the pizza box was there but Beetlejuice disappeared. Howard said he could never fall asleep in the same room with Beetlejuice being there. Richard said that he opened the box and saw that the pizza was almost gone but Beet must have paid for it and ate it himself.
Richard said he never saw Beetlejuice until they were getting ready to leave. When he opened the door Beetlejuice was just standing there staring at the door. Gary said that Richard took a Greyhound bus down there and they had all kinds of disgusting things going on when they were coming back. Richard said that it was $31 round trip and they give you $20 when you get there so it's like an $11 trip. He said that he thinks that they should do the next Survivor on a bus going across country.
Richard said he got stuck listening to some old dude with no teeth who was telling him about this book about religion that he wrote. Richard said he got stuck next to that guy on the way home and his girlfriend had to sit somewhere else. Then Richard said he pretended to fall asleep while the guy was talking but then this woman threw up as she was walking down the aisle. He was sitting right near the bathroom so he got to hear her puking for about 10 minutes.
Howard said he heard that Joey Boots was on the Superfan Roundtable talking about how he had made out with Richard one time. Richard said they just touched tongues but he didn't remember the whole thing. Howard went on to play the clip from Superfan Roundtable where Joey talked about how he and Richard just touched tongues. He said they just twirled their tongues around a little, that was it.
George felt Sal's balls and then felt the area where he had something in the pouch. George thought it was one tooth so they had him feeling Sal's penis over and over again. Howard thought Sal was getting hard but he claimed he was actually getting smaller. Sal eventually pulled the item out of his pouch and it turned out to be a battery. Sal and Richard started cracking up but George seemed amazed at the things they do there.
Howard told Sal to try again by shoving something else in that pouch. George said he's had some feelings about these guys being gay. He said his gaydar goes off with them. Sal was cracking up as he was shoveling the next item in his pouch. He told George what could be in there and had him feeling his cock. George wasn't sure where he had the thing so Sal told him it was in his penis. George had the choices of Breath Mint, Toy Teeth or Guitar Pick. George guessed it was a breath mint but it turned out to be the toy teeth. George seemed amazed that he was able to fit that whole thing inside his penis pouch. Then Sal took the teeth and put them in his mouth.
Howard asked George why it was so hard to figure out. Sal is able to fit in some really bit things in there. Sal shoved yet another thing in there but Artie wasn't watching and wasn't saying a word. Sal told George he had the choice of a pen cap, paper clip or a screw. George felt his pouch again and said that it was a paper clip. Sal took out a screw. George thought that must have been painful but Sal didn't seem to have a problem shoving in that pouch of his.
Howard said he'd like to rename the game to ''Can we get George Takei to touch Sal's penis.'' Will asked George if that could be considered cheating. George said it's all for fun and Brad is listening so he knows what's going on there. George told Sal he had no idea that Sal had such a versatile cock. Howard couldn't believe that George played that game.
Bong Hit Eric called in and asked the guys not to play that game again. It was too gay for him. Howard said that it was a very gay game and it shows that Sal and Richard are gay right along with George.
Steve Langford came in and gave his Howard 100 News preview. He mentioned that Butch Patrick has a new book out that claims to have a foreword by Howard Stern. He didn't get a real one from Howard so he just took some quotes from the show and used his name. Howard said he was asked to write a foreword but turned it down and just quoted his show. Howard said he doesn't know why they'd do that. He said he could probably sue half the world at this point but he really doesn't care at this point.
Howard said that the new Miss Howard TV was there today so she came in. This was Jamie Hilfiger who was there for the Hottest Regular Chick contest not too long ago. She's Tommy Hilfiger's niece and Benjy was the one who found her. She'll be introducing the Howard TV stuff for August. Howard asked her what she wants to do for a living. She said she wants to be an entertainment broadcaster. Howard told her that Artie is the guy she might want to talk to because he has all kinds of connections. Artie said he's not sure he has time but he'd check his schedule.
Artie said he might have a job for her because he knows an EP over at a basic cable channel. That might be a good stepping stone for her to get into the business. He said he'd like to meet with her at room 2102 at the Four Seasons hotel. Howard told Jamie to ''head for zee hills'' before she got involved with Artie. She then revealed that she has a boyfriend so Howard said that the job offer just dried up.
Jamie told the guys what she was going to be trying out as far as clothing so Howard told her to go get changed and he'd check her out to see if it was a good look. Howard said she should wear Steve Langford's tie and nothing else.
Howard had Steve get back to his news preview. Steve said that the guys were caught off guard that Robin was going to be on Larry King's show. They'll be looking into why it was such a secret. They'll also be talking about High Pitch Eric's eviction case. Steve said that Ralph was bashing the music special on SFN over the holiday vacation. Jon Hein said he heard about that and wondered why Ralph would do something like that. If he didn't like it there was no reason to post something like that.
Jon Hein gave his Wrap Up Show preview after Steve was done. They'll be talking to George about his return to the show. They'll also talk about everyone's vacation stories. That led to Howard asking Robin about her vacation to France and how she went with a few other women. She said they didn't stay in the same room or anything like that.
Jamie came back in dressed in her bikini. Artie said that she was hot as hell and giggled when he saw her come back in. He said he likes the ''compact'' girls like her. Howard told her she's got to wear that outfit on the Miss Howard TV thing. Howard asked her about her boyfriend and told her she needs a man who knows what he's doing to drive that Ferrari body of hers. She said that she's known the guy since high school. Howard told her she needs and overweight 39 year old to take care of her. Artie told her what he'd do with her and it was basically what he did with the chick from Pittsburgh.
Howard asked Jamie if she's ever had an orgasm. She didn't want to talk about that stuff and asked him to move on to the next subject. She said that she's very happy with her boyfriend. She claimed that she didn't have any money but she drives a new Mercedes. She said that her father bought her that after she lost her last car. She said he owns a construction company.
Artie said that the only problem with these Miss Howard Stern chicks is that they're all taken. He said they need to get some single chicks. Jon Hein said he just stuck around to check her out and didn't have anything else to add to his Wrap Up Show preview. Artie told him to go home and NOT masturbate to that. He said he doesn't know how Jon can't jerk off to stuff like that.
Today's Staff Picks was over by about 10:55am.
Howard was starting the show when Robin interrupted and said that Artie called both Howard and Gary Jerks on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Howard said he heard about that and now he'll never, ever attempt to bring a girl in for Artie. He said that it's kind of hard to meet women and he thought he was going to help Artie out by bringing in that Jennifer chick. He said he would love it if someone tried to help him out like that if he needed to meet some women. He said that Fred met his wife on the show like that. He told Artie that his reaction to the whole thing was really bizarre.
Robin said that she did what she could to help Howard out with Angie Everhart not knowing that Howard had already been with him. Gary said that he has a segment set up for next week and he's wondering if he should cancel it. Gary said the woman claims to be a female Artie. Howard told him to cancel the segment, he's not having any women in on the show for Artie no matter who it is. Gary asked if Artie felt hard up when they hooked him up and let him feel Carmen Electra's boobs. Artie said ''Um, no.''
Howard played the audio from yesterday's Wrap Up Show where Artie was going off on Howard for ''helping out his bro'' and getting all irritated about the whole thing. Howard told Artie that if that's the way he's going to react to someone trying to help him, he's not going to do it anymore. Artie said he could do it off the air but Howard said ''fuck that'' to him about that. Howard said if he's hard up, he'd want someone to help him out with chicks like that. He doesn't get the reaction. Howard told Artie he's gotten his wish, he's not going to meet chicks through him. Artie said that's the way he wants it.
Howard said that Fred met the woman of his dreams through the show. Fred said they're two different people. He also said that Artie is taking this stuff too seriously. He thought Artie was being vicious to that girl and it was very surprising. Artie said that this is such a stupid conversation. Robin couldn't believe he was doing that again while they talk about that stuff.
Artie said that the girl was into fat guys and that was really insulting to have her on because of that. He said he really hates stuff like that. Artie claimed he didn't use the word ''jerk'' when talking about Howard. He thought he called them suckers, not jerks.
Howard played some more audio of Artie from the Wrap Up Show where he was talking about Bob Levy and how creepy he thinks he is. He was going off on every little thing about him that he could while talking about him. Howard and Robin got a laugh out of it as they were listening to him but Artie was really brutal talking about him. He thought that Bob had something to do with setting up Jennifer to come on the show.
Howard said that some of the stuff he was saying was wrong. He didn't know them to be facts but he was just going off on Bob and Jennifer. He asked Artie what's wrong with him these days. He said there's nothing wrong. Howard told him he's never doing him a favor ever again. Artie asked if he had to come in there anymore then. He said that yesterday was just terrible. Howard said that he is a fat guy so it's not like he doesn't know that. Fred said he thought that yesterday followed a bad day after his reaction to what his mother said to him two days ago. He's very sensitive about that stuff.
Robin said that Artie is like the Roast Master there and he can't take a little ribbing. Howard said that Artie isn't the Roast Master, Bob Levy is. Robin said she just meant that he was one of the best guys at roasting there. Howard said that he would have loved it if someone tried to help him get women. He said that he used to try to get hot chicks up there any way he could in the past and he thought he was helping Artie out yesterday. If he's going to react to it that way, he's done with it. He said that it's not that fun for him to see a chick trying to hook up with him when he could have hot chicks in there who are into him instead.
Artie said that the chick has a boyfriend and that came out on the Wrap Up Show. Howard said he got a note from that guy and he was saying that he's as much her boyfriend as Artie's dates are his girlfriends. Howard told Gary he doesn't want to read any e-mails from girls who like Artie anymore. He's done with that. Artie was fine with that and said he's glad to hear that.
Artie said that he doesn't want to be anyone's ''bro'' and he thinks that ''bro'' is the gayest word he's ever heard and doesn't even know what it means. Howard said back in the 60s when you said that word, it really meant something. Howard said he uses that term a lot and it means a lot between him and his friends. He said that he won't call Artie a bro if he doesn't want to but he was doing that segment yesterday to help out a friend. He wasn't trying to humiliate anyone. Artie said that segment was all about a hot chick somehow liking an obese, disgusting guy. Howard told him that he's a baby and he should go take some more of those anti-heroin pills. Howard said Artie owes him an apology. Artie said the whole point of the segment was to point out that he's fat.
Artie said he doesn't care if he's on anyone's ''bro'' list like Howard was saying. Howard said he's off of his list and that's it. He said he has a couple of people on that list like his old friend Dr. Lou and Pat Minokia. Artie was on that list until today. Howard gave Artie a sincere ''fuck you'' for treating him like this after he tried to help him out. He wasn't kidding.
Howard said that the girls he's brought into the studio for Artie were into Artie, not just into fat guys. He brought up Fred again but Artie said that was different because it was a dial-a-date thing. Artie had referred to Howard as a pelican looking fuck at one point so Howard thanked him for that attack. He said he's done being a jerk on the air. He said that he felt close to Artie and he was really trying to help him out. Artie said he's not really friends with Howard though. Howard said he thought that they were friends but Artie said that they're not friends, they just work together. Howard said that they spend 5 hours a day talking to each other and getting into each other's heads. Artie said that it's still work and they're not friends.
Howard said that he can't believe that Artie is questioning his motives when it comes to this stuff. Artie said that everything is on the air and if he really liked him as a ''bro'' he'd do this stuff off the air. Howard said it's all for the air because he's not looking to do things off the air. Howard said that he was trying to have Artie meet these people on the air because he figured he'd be less embarrassed on the air. Artie said that Howard wanted this to be something interesting on the air. He said he had no intention to embarrass Artie on the air. Artie said he did so Howard apologized to him and said he can be assured that it will never happen again.
Artie said he would never parade a girl around as some fetish chick like Howard did to him yesterday. Howard said he'd rather screen them on the air than off the air. Artie said that he's never had a serious conversation with Howard off the air, ever. Howard said that's bull shit and he has gone to him and talked to him seriously. That led to them talking about Artie's heroin use and how Howard brings that stuff up on Letterman when he didn't want him to. Howard said he considers Artie a friend but it appears he's not thinking the same thing. Howard said he's invited Artie to his house a bunch of times while Artie has never invited him. Artie said he invited him to his house once and he was busy doing something else.
Howard told Artie that he's got something going on because he's sucking on those Subutex pills again. Artie said those were other issues he's got, they have nothing to do with this. Howard told him to go see his shrink as soon as possible if he's got that many issues.
Artie said that they can continue bringing the broads in but he's going to be uncomfortable every time. He said he'd take a bullet for Howard but both Robin and Howard interrupted him and said that's bull too. He swore he would do it though. While they were talking about that Benjy started to take his shirt off so Howard had to ask him not to make this about him.
Artie said that he knows that Howard's show is the most important thing in his life to him. He said he understands that the show is more important to him than his relationship with him. Howard said that's not true. Artie said it is true and he wishes that he could be as into something as Howard is.
Artie told Howard that he usually bites the bullet and lets the jokes about his life drop. He said the heroin song parodies really bother him and he just lets that go. Howard told Artie that he has a special bond with him and he doesn't understand why he insulted him for trying to help him out. He said he's always going to consider Artie as a brother even if he thinks that ''bro'' thing is lame. Artie told him that yesterday he was being a shitty friend to him when he embarrassed him with that chick.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said he was going to have to side with Artie today. He said that if Howard saw a hot chick that Artie would be into, he could introduce Artie to her. He wondered why Howard had to do it on the air. Howard said he thought the bit would be good on the air but he also said that he'd like for people to help him out in that way. Robin said that Artie and King are missing something there. They didn't know this girl at all so that's why they did it on the air. Howard said he felt that it was just a way to meet a chick. Howard mentioned Fred's wife again but Artie said that was completely different. Howard said it's not though.
Artie said he knows Howard will bring up things on the air that he doesn't want on the air. He said the $500 whore story from Las Vegas was one of those stories. He said there was something else with Dana that he brought up on the air. Howard said he knows he's fucked up some stuff like that and he's sorry. Artie said that he'd never do that to Howard. Howard said he will usually ask Artie before he brings it up though and he wasn't looking to hurt him. Artie said the story about Dana was a big deal to him but Howard thought it was nothing because he wouldn't bring it up again.
Howard asked Artie to just talk about what the subject was that he remembered. Artie said that he told Howard that he was upset with Dana for not sticking by him through some stuff and that came up on the air. He said that was something he told him in private that he didn't want out there. Howard said he's never brought up anything else private though. Artie said the $500 hooker story was another one but Howard said that's never happened.
Gary came in and said that Jason summarizes the show and they keep a log of what happens on the show. They went back and pulled up the notes and Howard wanted to tell the story about the hooker but Howard wouldn't tell it unless Artie would give him permission. So Artie had to tell the story himself, he didn't bring it up himself.
Artie said that Howard seems to think that he hates him but he doesn't. He said no one is more dedicated to him. He said that the whole basis of this thing is that they are friend and he likes coming in every day and doing the show. Robin said he was just saying that he's not his friend a few minutes ago. Howard said that Artie has told the hooker story on other shows but Artie denied ever doing that.
Howard said he wanted to clear the air and patch up the whole thing. He said that he understands what Artie is saying and he doesn't want to be made uncomfortable on the air. He wasn't trying to do that. He did the segment because he had something interesting about a major player on the show. He apologized for doing it and that's the end of it. Artie said he doesn't mind it if they want him to sit there and get embarrassed every day. He's willing to do that. Howard said he thought that Artie would be happy to meet a chick, he didn't know. Artie said that chick wasn't even in the same league of the chicks he's going out with. Robin said he didn't have to go out with he, they were just introducing them.
Howard said he really thought he was helping to make it easier to meet a chick, that's one reason he did that for him. He said he'd like that himself so he figured Artie was like him. Since he's not, he apologized to him for doing it. Artie said the first motive for Howard is to make great radio and embarrassing him was one way to do that. Artie said that he doesn't deny the fact that they're friends. He said that he knows that Howard is more into the radio show than being his friend. Howard said that any time he sees Artie do a show, he calls him off the air and tells him how proud he is. He said that he's sincere about that and that's something that a friend does. He said he's reached out to him many times as a friend and he's not sure how to show his friendship more than that.
Howard said that maybe hanging out together in private isn't something they can do. Artie said he gets it and he knows how important the show is to him. Robin said it's like Artie is still saying that Howard knew how the segment was going to go. He didn't know if it was going to be good or not.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that a ''bro'' isn't someone who ridicules someone on a daily basis like Howard does. Howard said that the stuff he talks about is what Artie does, he's not saying anything that's not part of his life. Artie drinks, gambles and eats so he talks about it. Howard took some more calls and let the fans give their thoughts on this whole thing. Joey Boots called in and said that he thinks Artie is out of line with this whole thing. Joey said that he'd be honored if Howard called him a bro like he did. Artie said that was in the heat of an argument, he didn't mean it.
Howard said he had a quick story about the ''bro'' thing. He said he got a call from Dr. Lou the other day and they rarely get together. He said he's always thought of him as a bro since they were kids. He said that Lou called him and needed some help with something. He said that he can always do that with him because he'll always think of him as a bro. That's the way he thinks of Artie. Joey said that Artie even goofs on himself as being fat so he's not sure why he's getting so upset about them goofing on him about being fat. Artie said he knows that, he just can't believe that this has blown up into what it has.
Howard told Artie to never bring this up off the air. He said that he doesn't want it in his life anymore. Artie agreed and said he's happy being there and he has no desire to talk about that stuff. Robin said she thinks that Artie is on the verge of a walk out. Howard said he feels differently about Artie than he does about him. He said that even Jackie is still a bro with him even though he's fucked up in a lot of ways. He said that he still questions a lot of Jackie's shit but he's still a bro to him. Howard said he spends a lot of time with Artie and he does care about him.
Artie said that Robin was the one who threw in that ''jerk'' line at 6:01 this morning so she's trying to make it even worse. Howard said he had to take a break because he had a couple of guests there. They spent a couple more minutes going through that stuff before Howard went to break. Artie said he's never doing the Wrap Up Show again after all of this went down. He went to break a short time later.
Nicole started to get dirty with Arnold and he was moaning and making odd noises and calling her names and telling her what to do. Arnold told her to take a shit on him and things like that. He told her not to talk to him like that. He then told her to stick a leaf blower on his giant cock and demanded it from her. Then he said he blew his load all over his kitchen. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go a short time later. Governor Schwarzenegger said things will be much better after finally blowing his load. (Edited)
Howard had the guys bring Jamie in and he asked Robin if she'd do him. She said wasn't really answering though. Howard asked Jamie if this is the first time he's been up there. Jamie said that it is but only because he's out in California. Jamie told Howard that he actually got kicked off the beach for doing his show out there. They have an office out there that they do the show from. He said they wanted to move out of the office and do the show from other places. They do the show 3 days a week for two hours each day.
Howard seemed surprised that he was doing shows that often. Jamie said that they kind of got promoted and got moved to another place out there. He's got his own channel, Foxx Hole 106, that he does his show on and has other people doing comedy stuff on there. They'll run any comedy they can on that channel. He said that people can get in their car and drive across the country and hear all kinds of different stuff.
Jamie said they got moved to this house out in Malibu but they got kicked out of there because they left the speakers on. He said they had this chick Super Head on the show and some old people heard what they were doing. He said he didn't know who this chick was at first and she certainly didn't look like ''Super Head.'' He said he didn't want to say that to her though. He said he'd met her out at a club and she wasn't doing the usual thing that women do with him. He said he knew something was wrong but he wasn't quite sure what it was.
Jamie said that he told the woman that she looked too good to be this Super Head chick but she gave him the smile like he was some super hero for recognizing her. He said she wrote about him in her book after that and said that nothing had happened. Then he had her on the radio show and she was probably the wrong guest to have on. Jamie said that they had some guests on the show and then this Super Head chick. He said that the radio show was actually great because they were talking about everything. He said that she's a down girl and she just flips it on you.
Jamie said he started asking Super Head about the guys she's done and she was naming everyone. He said she talked about Shaq and how small he is in the pants. He said she told them that he was like one of those gold door stops in a house.
Jamie said that Super Head was great on the show but there was a little old white lady walking by and she heard the foul things they were talking about on the air. That's what got them kicked out of the house there in Malibu. Howard said you can't be doing that in a residential neighborhood like that. Jamie said that Jeremy Piven showed up and had some fun with her on the air too.
Howard said that Jamie was dating Leila Arcieri who was on ''Son of the Beach'' and he was jealous of him for that. Jamie said that they were just friends and he wasn't banging her. He said that he ran into her at a John Kerry benefit one night and he told her that he asked her to go with him to the Academy Awards. He said that he didn't have anybody at the time and he already knew her as a friend. He said that the minute you hit it, it's over. Howard said he's not friends with girls so he doesn't know how that goes. Jamie said that they're still friends.
Jamie said that if you don't sleep with your pretty girlfriend, you will always have pretty girlfriends. He said that you have to remain honest in a relationship and tell the chicks how it really is.
Howard said that Jamie looks really muscular in this new movie of his so he wondered if he was doing something like juicing up. Jamie said he's not doing that at all, he's just exercising. Howard read that Jamie had glued his eyes shut for the movie Ray so he wouldn't be able to see. He said that he had his eyes really glued shut. He said he didn't want to cheat and actually see.
Howard talked to Jamie about his star power and using that to get chicks. Jamie said he did kind of use that Academy Award thing to get some chick's numbers. He said he just wanted to see whose numbers he could get with that.
Howard said he was surprised to find out that he's got a daughter. Jamie said that she's 13 years old and he took her to the Academy Awards with him. He said that he's really impressed with how smart she is. He said that there are a lot of nerds at the private school she goes to and he's not worried about them, he's worried about the guys who aren't nerdy.
Howard asked where this kid came from but Jamie didn't want to get into all of that. He said he wasn't looking to talk about the mother. Howard spent a minute talking to him about that and then asked him about getting the job on In Living Color. Jamie said that he had auditioned for the show back when he was doing stand-up comedy. They narrowed it down from like 100 guys down to 50, 25 and then down to about 10. He said that he thought that he was being rejected and figured he wasn't going to get the job. He said in the final audition he killed and got the job. Howard said that must have been one hell of a night when he got that. Jamie said that changed his life after that.
Howard said that doing the stand-up all the years before that helped him get comfortable enough to go up there and kill like that. Jamie said that the Wayans brothers were a Klan and they were always going to work together on stuff. He said that the show got canceled and things all went bad after that. He said that he had just started spending his money from the show when the show got canceled. He said he was keeping all of his clothes in his car so he wouldn't be late for work.
Howard asked him if he was doing drugs and stuff back then. He said that they weren't drugs and kept saying that he wasn't doing drug but something. He said he used to smoke weed years ago but he got a hold of some bad stuff one time and that fucked him up.
Jamie said he went out to do a show one time when he was about 16. He was going to play some stuff for a family in this white neighborhood. They got there and knocked on the door and the guy who answered said he couldn't have two nig*ers in his house at the same time. He tried to negotiate to let his friend park there and just hang out. The guy told him he had to get out of there and off the street.
Jamie said that he was hanging out at this house and the group of people were telling racial jokes and stuff. The wife came over and apologized to him for that. Then he performed for them and got this jacket that the guy had given to him to wear. He went to give it back at the end of the night and the guy told him he couldn't wear it now so he could keep it.
Howard asked Jamie about the girls he had when he was a kid. He said that his first girl was a black girl but he did have some white chicks in his life. He talked about growing up and how his step-father had to go to ''mandatory college'' because of some stuff he'd gotten involved in. That led to Howard going over his history and how he had been adopted by his grandparents and then later found out that his sister was his mother or something like that. Jamie said that the people who adopted his mom had also adopted him. He said that means that legally his mother is his sister.
Howard asked Jamie why he wasn't that close to his mother. He also said that his life is really complicated. Jamie said that he doesn't need therapy or anything because of it. Howard said if his mother wasn't around for him, like Jamie's, he'd need therapy. Jamie said that his mother wasn't around and was about 28 miles away while he was growing up. Howard said that if she was there right now, he'd say something to her about that.
Jamie said that he still stays in touch with his family and gets along with them very well. He said they still celebrate holidays and stuff like that. Howard asked him if his family expects him to pay the bills for them. He said that his family really doesn't know what he makes so he'll get a call from a family member asking him for seventy nine dollars even.
Howard asked Jamie if he has a lot of people like this Minister Farakan asking him to do stuff for him. Jamie said that guy is a great guy in his personal life. Howard also asked Jamie about Michael Vick because he read that he'd grown up around dog fighting himself. Jamie said that's true and he does kind of have to root for the black man when he gets involved in stuff like that. He said that he tries to support OJ but he just keeps fucking things up.
Howard read that Jamie had banged Vita Guerrera but Jamie said he never does celebrities. Howard read that Salma Hayek was with him but he said that she's just a friend. He said that he might have sex with some celebrities but they're not usually in the same business.
Howard read that Jamie changed his name from Eric Bishop to Jamie Foxx because he was looking to get his name chosen by people who thought that he was a woman. He said that they'd pick the women first during improv nights.
Howard read that Jamie hated David Letterman and wouldn't do his show for a while. Jamie said that he was set up and they've since patched up. He said he was a young comedian who wanted to get on Letterman's show. He said that Bill Cosby had done some material about booty calls and stuff. He was going to go on Letterman and do this joke about that. The pre-interviewer told him that was great so he went on the show and was doing great. He figured when he got to that joke he was going to blow the roof off the place. He said he told the joke and then Letterman cut him off and told him to apologize to Bill. He said that was fucked up to have Letterman throw him under the bus like that.
Howard said he had something similar happen to him on Letterman when the OJ Simpson thing went down. He said that he wasn't going to do the show anymore after that because Letterman made him look like a buffoon.
Howard said that Jaime was there to promote this movie ''The Kingdom'' so he got in a plug for that. Jamie talked about that movie for a couple of minutes. Ralph was on the phone so he asked Jamie why he was so shot out of a cannon this morning. Jamie said that he had been up all night people watching at the hotel. Ralph asked him if the Wayans brothers are pissed that he and Jim Carrey are doing as well as they are. Jamie said that the Wayans are doing just fine, they have a ton of money themselves so they're not pissed.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Jamie if he thinks he's the most successful person to come out of In Living Color. Jamie said that he thinks that Jim Carrey is probably the one who is the biggest. He said he went over to Jim's apartment one time and he showed him some clips of ''Pet Detective'' and he knew that he was going to be huge after that. He said that he shook his hand and told him he had to do it then because after that movie came out, he wouldn't get close to him again for at least 10 years.
Howard read that Jamie had tried out for the movie Jerry Maguire but he blew the audition. Jamie said that he went to the audition and they sent him out to New York to read with Tom Cruise. He said he was going toe to toe with Tom out there, telling him he had two houses and stuff. He said he asked Tom where he was living and Tom told him he lives in Rome. He thought that was Rome Street, not Rome Italy.
Jamie said that he kept looking at Tom during the read for the movie. He said that Tom had taken a dramatic pause and he thought he'd lost his place in the script so he pointed out where they were in the script. Tom said he knew where they were at, he was just taking a pause. Jamie said that all of his own lines were really loud while Tom was whispering his lines. He said he just blew the audition. The guy pulled him out of the scene and asked him what the fuck he was doing. He really just blew it. He said that Tom is the coolest dude he's ever met and he was very cool with him.
Howard wrapped up with Jamie and gave him a plug for his movie ''The Kingdom'' which he had actually seen. He said that the movie was very good. Jamie is also doing his show live from SIRIUS tomorrow so he got in a plug for that.
Howard said he saw a clip of Jamie on YouTube where he leveled another comedian who was roasting Shaq. Jamie said that the other guy wasn't doing very well so that's why he did that. Howard thought the guy was doing fine but Jamie said he really wasn't. He said that he was trying to get things rolling and the other guy wasn't too happy about it.
Jamie said that he had a guy throw a chair at him at one roast. He said that the guy really took offense to what he was saying. Howard told Jamie that he's doing very good and gave him a plug for his Foxx Hole channel 106. He said he'll be on tomorrow sometime but he's not even sure what time yet. He said they just have fun and do the show whenever they want. He said that they might go from 2-7 on a Friday and then they throw in some music and a bunch of comedy bits.
Howard wrapped up with Jamie and gave him some plugs for the movie and the radio show again. He asked Jamie what he's doing today. He said he's doing Regis and Conan's shows today. He said he'll go back to his hotel and watch the politicians coming and going in there. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said that this past weekend they had an adopt-a-thon at the North Shore Animal League and Jason went down and got a dog. He said he thinks that they were able to get 600 dogs adopted over the weekend with that adopt-a-thon. Artie said he had a friend who had a puppy just to pick up chicks. He said the guy was able to make that work and as soon as the dog got big, he got rid of it.
Howard wondered where Mandy the Superfan was. The guys brought her in a short time later. She had called in earlier to get up there. Howard said she was there with her boyfriend Gary. She said that she's never been naked in front of guys before. It turns out Gary is her husband, not her boyfriend. They came in all the way from San Diego for this and Howard said that she agreed to get naked. Gary said he never heard her agree to that but Howard and Robin said she did.
Howard said they did have some money for Mandy if she does win this trivia game they're going to play. Sal said that he's got a tea bag jackhammer pudding pie thing ready for her if she loses. She has to strip down and get that tea bag thing if she loses. Howard said that they have a few questions for her and if she gets them wrong, she starts stripping down.
Baba Booey said that they need to know how they're going to do this. Howard said that they're going to have her take her top off for the first wrong question. The second question would be her bottoms off. Mandy said that she's going to be terrified if they're going to rip her apart if she gets naked. The guys all said that they would not rip her apart. Howard told her that she will really only have to get topless and maybe get the tea bag thing. He told her that she can keep her panties on.
Baba Booey thought that she had agreed to do this whole thing on the phone. She said that she kind of did so Howard quickly got into the trivia thing. He was about to start but Mandy said she couldn't get topless. Howard told her he'd have to let her go if she doesn't do it. Her husband said that he agreed to the tea bag thing but not the topless thing. Howard took a call from a guy who said that they should get kicked out of there. Howard said he was going to kick them out then. Richard suggested they have Ronnie talk to her because he's good at talking women into getting topless.
Baba Booey said that they had things to do today and they made time for them to come up and now they're backing out of the deal. Howard had Ronnie come in and talk to the two of them. He thought that they knew what they were coming up for. Mandy said that she spoke to someone on the phone named Steve and he told her to just come up. Ronnie told her to forget about that and said that she has to do the right thing and just play the game. They're not going to make her get totally naked. She stopped him and said that she just couldn't do it. Gary said that she could leave there thinking it was the most memorable day of her life but now she's going to get kicked out.
Ronnie said that he would rather take his top off than have someone's ugly balls on her. Her husband said that she's down for stuff like that but not taking her top off. Howard and Gary agreed that they were going to cut their losses and kick them out. Gary told Will to take them out the back door, not even out the front door. Artie told them they could stay if they bought him some French toast.
Sal and Richard really wanted to do the tea bag thing so they looked very disappointed. Robin said that they lied about getting in there even though Howard was willing to let her do the tea bag thing. Gary asked if anyone on the staff wanted to get tea bagged for $500. They still had the money to give away so a bunch of guys showed up to get balls on their face. One of the guys was an intern but Howard wasn't going to let that happen.
Gary suggested that Sal and Richard tea bag each other and split the money. Richard was willing to do it but Sal wasn't going to take the nuts on his face. Sal said he didn't even want the money so Richard could have it if he let him put his balls on his head. He said he was going to dip his balls in pudding and bash it into Richard's face until it was covered. Sal said he was going to dip the vanilla first and then hit him in the face. He quickly did that and told Richard told him to just get it over with. Sal started to bash him in the face with the vanilla and then chocolate pudding.
The guys were throwing pudding and Richard bashed Sal in the balls with his hand which made him groan in pain. Sal was jamming Richard in the face with stuff and he had to stop him somehow. He said Sal went above and beyond what he was supposed to do. Sal went and poured another thing of pudding on Richard's head again so he threatened to hit him in the balls again. Robin said it didn't look like pudding either. Howard said he had to go to break and this was a very upsetting segment. He took a call from Yucko the Clown who said that he wanted them to end this already. He said it's enough with the nuts and the gay shit already. Howard said he heard that Yucko is going to be on the Andy Dick roast. He was just added so he'll be there for that next week.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he can't believe all of this gay shit. Howard said that it sounds gay on the radio but when you see it on TV it's very funny. He went to break right after that.
Artie said that he hates to push the Starbucks thing but they have an album they're selling that has Jimi performing a song live that was just awesome. Howard said that they never would have sponsored a guy like that when he was alive. That led to Howard saying that Jimi probably would have ended up being Riley Martin if he had lived.
Artie said that he was walking through Hoboken when he saw this 10 walking down the street. She ends up telling him that she was JD's roommate for a year. Of course JD never got anything off of her. JD said that she had a boyfriend at the time. She was hardly there anyway. He said that he never beat off to her but Howard called him a liar. Artie said he jerked off to her the day he met her.
JD said he didn't have any privacy when he was living with that chick. He said he'd see her in sweatpants and stuff like that. Howard told him to come clean and admit he beat off to her. JD just laughed. Artie said he doesn't think he could deal with living with someone like that. Howard said the boyfriend probably had to okay him as a roommate. JD said it wasn't like that.
Howard asked JD if they're going to let them film at his apartment or not. JD said it's too much of a mess, he doesn't want them to do it. He said it'll give people more to goof on him about. Fred started playing some Hawaiian music so Howard remembered that JD's family reunion is coming up. He said they really need to get a camera on that. JD said it's in August sometime and he doesn't think the camera thing is happening.
Howard did his impression of JD's mom and her Hawaiian boyfriend. He joked that his mother is going to say he looks the same as he did the last time she saw him, 7 years ago. JD said he thinks things will be fine. Richard came in and got in on the goofing by giving him some names that his Hawaiian step-dad might say to him.
Richard said he wants to bring JD out to Coney Island and hang out. He said he's also going to try to get up to his apartment to see what's going on there. Richard said that JD got pissed last week when they were goofing on him by getting him some Jack and Cokes and fooled him into thinking that he was getting drunk. JD said he was waiting for his head to start spinning and it never happened. That led to JD saying that he met a chick who knows actress Katherine Heigl and that he had told her to give her his number. That got the guys laughing and Howard doing his impression of JD.
Richard brought up the crappy food that JD used to eat. Howard said that JD eats a lot of that McDonalds crap. He had him lift his shirt to show off his fat belly. He said he didn't look so bad but he was a little soft. Will came in and said that two girls beat JD at arm wrestling when they were out at a bar last week. Tracy the office manager actually beat him so Howard asked him if that makes him want to go to the gym. JD mumbled something and didn't really answer.
Howard asked JD if he can do 10 push-ups. JD claimed he could so they had him get on the floor to do it. He managed to do it so Howard wondered how a girl beat him at arm wrestling. JD said he's a wimp, that's why he lost. Howard wondered if Robin could beat him. Robin said she'd do it with right arms. They wondered where they could set that up. Howard said he wants this regulated so no one was cheating. He told Robin to just take him right down.
JD and Robin got up and went over to a table to do the arm wrestling thing. Robin wasn't comfortable but neither was JD. Howard had Will count it off and then watched as Robin took JD down. It didn't happen right away but Robin fought and won. She took JD down after about 15 seconds or so. Artie said it was never even a challenge. JD said his arm got tired. Artie said that Robin just went 24 days without eating and she still beat him. He also said that he just dropped below a 1 on a scale of 10.
Gary said that Lindsay the Intern thinks she could beat him too. JD said he's tired of all of this stuff and doesn't want to do it. JD said he doesn't think he could beat her. Gary asked him if he would do it for money. JD said he'd do it ''whatever, fine.'' Robin was goofing on him because he'd just lost to her. Lindsay came in a short time later and Howard said that she couldn't possibly beat him, she's tiny.
Howard said he'd put up $100 for the winner. That was a bit of an incentive for JD to win. Artie threw in another $50. JD ended up taking Lindsay down within a few seconds. Artie asked him what he was doing beating a girl like that. Gary said that he should have beaten her a lot quicker though. Artie said all he could think is that Robin could beat the shit out of Lindsay.
Howard let everyone go and asked JD to think about the filming at his apartment. Artie told him that if he had just done it, this segment never would have happened. Howard said Doug came right to him when he heard that JD didn't want to do it. Howard let him go a short time later.
Sal went on to say that Christine lost 15 pounds and she's been going out lately. He called her when she was out at a club one night and some dude told her to hang up the phone on him. He said she told him that it was her friend Sue talking but he knew it was a dude. She said that she does have guys hitting on her at the bars she goes to. Sal said they can have her. Howard told Sal he'll never get a hotter chick than this.
Christine said that Sal is lazy so he pointed out that he gets up at 4 in the morning and doesn't get home until 6:30 at night and she's calling him lazy. Howard wanted to know how he was lazy but Christine didn't want to start a war. Howard asked her if she's heard the songs that Sal has written about her. She hadn't heard them so Howard played ''My Wife'' for her. In that one Sal sings about how he'd like to crack her in the skull and throw her in the trash among other things. Christine was laughing during the song so she must not have been too upset.
Howard said he can not figure out what Sal is talking about. He said that she's just hot. Howard asked Christine what she wears when she goes out with her friends to the club. She said it's just regular clothes. Sal said she asked him how she looked and he told her that she looked like she was ready to fuck someone else, that's how she looked.
Howard asked Christine about how she avoids touching Sal. Sal claims she won't even hold his hand. Sal said that he touched her the other night and she jumped and didn't want to do anything. He said she was watching Lost and that was more important than sex. Howard asked Christine if she was sexually attracted to Sal. She didn't answer. She told him not to put her on the spot like that. Sal couldn't believe what he was hearing. Sal said it seems like Christine and Howard have the same sentiment about him.
Christine said when she met Sal in college he was singing stupid songs then so she should have known he was going to be like this. Sal was in school to become a radiologist but that didn't pan out. Artie said that it's worked out for Sal, he's working on this show.
Howard asked Christine about the house and why she keeps Sal from wearing his shoes in the house. Sal said that she has a cleaning lady come in one day a week. He said he has to clean up the day before the cleaning lady comes in and he thinks that's ridiculous. Christine told Howard she had the answer about being attracted to him... and it was 'no.'
Sal said he's pleading for help in this whole thing. He wants the marriage to work out. Gary said that Sal claims to be held up for ransom over some tapes that they had of her yelling at him. She demanded a $1400 bag to give him permission to play that stuff on the air so he did it. Howard played some of the clips where Christine was screaming at Sal for doing things while they were taking pictures at home. Christine said that he does that stuff on purpose to get her pissed at him. Howard asked her if she sees herself being married to him the rest of her life. She said ''I don't know...'' and laughed. Sal said she's serious too. She said that Sal had just insulted her so that's why she was going there.
Artie asked Christine if money is an issue for her. She said that it is for Sal. Artie asked Sal how much of a pay cut he had to take going to this job form being a Stockbroker. Sal said it was a huge cut but Christine supported him in that. He thinks that it can work out in the long run.
Howard asked Christine what would make her feel better about him. She said that on Friday Sal didn't shovel at all when it snowed last week. She said that Sal said he was making breakfast and then told her that she could have told him to shovel if she wanted him to. He talks in circles according to Christine. Sal told Howard that he made breakfast for 3 kids and tended to them. After breakfast he watched TV with the kids. Then she comes home and starts digging away with the shovel but he doesn't have ESP so he doesn't know she's out there. He said he didn't know she was out there.
Sal said that Christine was telling him that he has to get out on the road more so they can pay for things around the house. He said that was after she asked him to be home more. Now she's telling him to call Bob Levy to get booked on more shows. She was telling Sal that he shouldn't be making songs about her either.
Howard played Christine another song parody that Sal wrote about her. That one was to the tune of ''Photograph'' and in it he sings about her fat ass and how she married him for his money. Sal told Howard that what he wants is a little respect from his wife. He said he'd like to come home like other guys who have their wives showing up to comedy shows and rubbing their man's back and things like that. He said he'd like her to take that extra step and just like him a little more. Christine said she is very nice to him when he comes home. Sal said she yells at him to take off his shoes and to clean up the house for the cleaning lady.
Sal said he called home from the train one day and asked Christine what they were having for dinner. She told him ''whatever you bring home'' and hung up on him. Howard told Sal that he's got himself a hot wife and he should watch himself. She asked if the club was open tonight.
Christine told Howard a story about Sal stripping down to his underwear at a wedding they went to. That's the kind of stuff he does to her. After that Howard told Sal to take his pants down so his wife could shoot him in the ass. He explained that the money they were trying to win was courtesy of this movie ''The Shooter'' which comes out tomorrow.
Christine was going to be shooting Sal in the ass with a paintball gun. For each shot she hit, she wins $500. Christine was going to be about 20 feet from Sal with a paintball gun. Howard said they can make up to $5,000 so she gets 10 shots. She gets no practice shots according to Howard. Christine said that she's never shot a gun before. Howard had a guy there from a place called Chilly Bear where they run paintball gun events. He told Howard Sal will have some big welts on his ass if he gets hit. Howard said he thinks that Sal shouldn't do it but Sal said he already spent the money on a Disney vacation.
Howard said you can find out more about Chilly Bear at ChillyStuff.com. He then had Christine take her first shot. She missed Sal completely but Sal said he felt the air go past his hair. Artie said that those things go fast. Sal said he's never felt what a grazed bullet feels like but that's what it must feel like. He asked for a helmet before the next shot. Christine took her second shot and missed again. Sal said that was very scary. Christine took her third shot as Sal was breathing heavy waiting for the pain. Sal got hit in the leg but it just grazed him. Sal said it just grazed his thigh. Howard said they were going to give her $500 for that shot.
Christine took another shot and nailed Sal right in the thigh. Sal was screaming out in pain. Mike Gange said there was quite a welt on him from that shot. Gary told Sal to keep his legs closed so they don't hit his balls. Christine was laughing and said it was very funny. She took her next shot and hit him square in the ass. Sal yelled out in pain once again. They were up to $1,500. Sal asked her not to hit that side again because it hurt so much. Sal said he was going to have a heart attack if she hit that side again. Will said that it was actually bleeding on that side.
Howard asked Sal if he wanted to stop. Christine took another shot and hit him in the exact same spot. Sal yelled out in pain and kept yelling because it hurt so bad. Howard said he had to put a stop to it at that point. Sal said he had to stop because the pain was just too much. Gary said that Sal was in pain but Christine was laughing at him. She seemed to feel nothing for him.
Fred asked Sal to just go through with one more shot because it was the last one. He had gone through this much so far, he should just put the pain out of his mind and go through with one more. Sal couldn't take the pain. Howard told Sal that if he took one more shot he would give him the $5,000 and he'd even let him cover up that cheek. Sal said if he did that the e-mail would start coming in. He said he was going to leave that cheek open and just go for it.
Howard said he didn't like that Sal was going to do it again. He was afraid that it was going to really hurt the guy. Howard said Sal almost passed out from this yet Christine was ready to take another shot. She said she didn't want to come in the first place. Sal said he needs the money so she has to go through with it. He asked her to please not hit the left side. He said he was willing to take the chance though. Sal covered up his balls again and got ready for the final shot. She took the shot and missed. They let Christine take one more shot and she tried not to hit the left side. She hit him on the right side. Sal said that it hurt so much and it sounded like he was about to cry. Gary told him to walk around but Sal told him he wasn't going to walk around and told him to leave him alone. Christine told him to just shovel the driveway next time.
Howard said that they had just won $5,000 and asked to see the welts on Sal's ass. She almost hit him in the rectum. Sal said it felt like they turned up the power or something because it hurt just as much as the shots that hit the same spot. Howard wrapped up and thanked Billy from Chilly Bear and also thanked Christine for coming in.
Mike Gange said they had some replays to play for them. They showed those on the studio monitors but there was no sound. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Gene Simmons was out watching all of that going on out there in the office. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said that they had some beautiful ladies in the studio to play The Porn Star Feud today. He went right into an introduction that Fred had done for the Feud. They had an old porn stars and a young porn stars team in there to compete against one another. Howard said that all of the porn stars were currently working in porn. He said hello to Carmen Luvana first and then Ava Rose and then Bree Olson. They were all on the young team. Kathy Jones, Rosie Bam and Blue Iris were on the old team. Howard said hello to everyone quickly.
Artie asked Blue if he could fuck her today since he's turning old tomorrow. He turns 40. Blue said ''Yeah'' to him when he asked.
Howard said that he's been beating off to Carmen Luvana lately and he told her that she's really hot in her movies. She said that she gets to pick the guys she's with in the movies but the other porn stars are picked by the producers. Howard named some of her movies and asked her about her life. She said that she's with a guy right now. She also says that the Wheel of Benjy was the worst part of her career. Benjy got to stick his toe inside of her. She said that she made him put on like 5 condoms on his feet. She said that he's actually awesome and very nice so she didn't want to bad mouth him. She said that he's always very cool to her when he sees her at these conventions and stuff. Howard went on to play a clip from one of her movies, ''Perfect Secretary,'' where she's asking a guy for some cock in her pussy.
Howard asked Carmen who she thinks is going to win today. She wasn't sure. Howard said that the grand prize money for this event is courtesy of AdamEve.com. He moved on to Ava Rose next and asked her about her career a little bit. He played a clip from her movie ''Fuck for Dollars'' where she's talking dirty to a guy and he's saying that her pussy is a great penis punching bag. She told Howard that she was pretty conservative when she was young. Howard told Robin that Ava's sister is also in porn. He asked her about her breast size but she didn't know because she never wears a bra. She said that they're real but they were so big that Howard was shocked.
Howard asked Ava if she'd have sex with Artie if he offered her ten grand. She said no so Howard asked her why she wouldn't do that but she will have sex in movies for money. She said that it was the guy he was asking her about.
Howard moved on to Bree Olson and asked her about her life. She was new to the show so Howard wanted to get to know her a little bit. She said that she used to watch Howard's TV show many years ago. She said she knew she wanted to do porn when she was about 12. She said that she was going crazy at 12 and doing girls and stuff as early as 9. She said that she still likes to bang a chick once in a while but she's mostly into guys. Howard played a clip from her movie ''Cock Craving Cuties'' to let everyone hear what she does in her movies. He played another clip from one of her other movies after that as well. She likes to be dominated so she told Howard that he could spit in her mouth and stuff like that.
Howard moved to the other team, Old Porn Stars, and said hello to Kathy Jones who claims to be one of the dirtiest old chicks in movies. She's done a lot of stuff in her movies and said she loves gang bang movies. She said that it's tough to compete against the young girls in the business though. She has kids that don't know what she does for a living so Howard asked her how that's possible. Blue vouched for her and said that she's a great mother. Richard came in and asked if they could have lathy and Blue make out with each other. Howard asked them to do it so they went right to it. Howard sounded a little shocked by what he was seeing.
Howard played some of Kathy's movie ''Mature King 14'' and she makes some very odd noises when she's having sex. Howard asked Carmen if she wants to be doing this stuff when she gets old. She said she hopes not to be in porn too much longer. Howard played another clip from one of Kathy's movies where she ends up sucking the orderly's cocks at an old age home. Howard asked her what that was like for her. She said it was wonderful and she'll take any younger guy she can get.
Howard moved on to Rosie Bam and said that she just recently got into porn. She's only been in 10 movies. She's almost 50 years old and she said that it's never too late to get into this stuff. Howard asked her about the anal sex scenes and what she has to do to prepare for that. She said she just tells the guys to slip it in there, she doesn't prepare at all. Howard said she does some impressions so he had her do those. She did Sandra Bernhard and Katherine Hepburn, which actually sounded very similar. She also has kids that don't know what she does for a living. She said that the kids have moved on and don't live with her anymore. She has a 24 year old, a 15 and an 18 year old. The 15 year old lives with her grandparents. Howard played one of her porn scenes and she gagged on something at the end of that. She said it was cum that she'd saved up in there.
Howard moved on to Blue Iris who made out with Artie the last time she was on the show. Howard talked about some of the movies she's been in and asked her what she's doing these days. She said she just did a new one with Ron Jeremy and Dick Nasty and that's being edited now. Howard played a clip from one of her old movies that they've played on the air before.
Howard said that he had some audio of Kathy and Blue working together on a movie. He played that clip and then moved on to the Porn Star Feud. He mentioned AdamEve.com and then moved over to a podium they had set up in the studio for him. He gave everyone their plugs as he was getting ready to play.
They moved on to the next question which was ''Name something female porn stars hate doing when shooting porn.'' Number one answer was ''Anal'' and Ava came up with that so the young girls took it. Howard asked Bree for another answer. She said ''gang bangs'' and it wasn't on the board. Carmen said ''Cum on the face'' and got the number 2 answer. Ava said ''Swallowing'' and got that as the number 3 answer. Bree gave another answer of ''DP (Double Penetration)'' which was number 4 on the board. Howard asked Carmen for the next one. She said ''Extremely huge dicks'' which wasn't on the board. Ava was up and said ''Cum swapping'' which wasn't on the board so they had three strikes. Blue Iris was up and said ''Triple penetration'' which wasn't up there. The Young girls won that one. The rest of the answers were deep throat, shitting or skat films and also faking orgasms.
Howard had Carmen and Blue come up to the podium. The next question was ''Name something that annoys you about semen.'' Blue said ''a bad odor'' and it was number 3 on the board. Carmen said ''bad taste'' and got number 2 on the board. The young girls took it and Ava was up next. She said ''it burns when it gets in your eyes'' and got the number 5 spot on the board. Bree was up and said ''the nasty texture'' which was ''sticky'' on the board. Carmen was up and didn't have an answer. Ava was up again and didn't have an answer either. She had to come out and show everyone her ass because she missed it. Bree was up and said ''when it gets in your hair'' and that one wasn't on the board either. The old ladies weren't able to steal. The final answer was ''Stains the clothing.'' Kathy missed that one so Artie said that she had to show her ass. It must not have looked that great because the guys sounded disgusted by what they were seeing. Artie said it looked like Jeff Curro's ass from two years ago.
Howard had Bree and Kathy come up next. Their question was ''Name something that turns you off most about men while having sex.'' Bree got it and said that men have an odor. She got number 3 on the board. Kathy said ''too much hair and got number 2 on the board. She took the question for the old ladies so they had to come up with more answers. Rosie said ''when guys stick their cock all the way up her asshole.'' That wasn't up on the board. Rosie ended up showing her ass to the guys after that. Artie had asked to see Bree's ass and said his breakfast might be coming up soon.
Blue Iris said ''Bad breath'' and got a correct answer. Howard moved on to Kathy again and she said that guys smell like urine on their cock. That was already on the board with odor. Rosie was up and said that when guys ask her to have her eyeballs roll back into her head and missed that.
The young girls took it and Carmen said ''Sweat''' which was up on the board. They stole the points from the old ladies so they won with that. Howard said the rest of the answers were ''talking,'' ''balls,'' ''premature ejaculation'' and ''small penis.''
Blue said she had sex with a priest one time and he had the tiniest dick she'd ever seen but he made her cum 6 times. Howard wrapped up the game after that and got in some plugs for everyone. AdamEve.com has a special offer on the movie ''Eden'' and all of the young porn stars are in that movie. You can find the movie deal at AdamEve.com/eden.
Howard gave everyone plugs for their web sites again and then Mike Gange asked if anyone wanted to ride the Sybian. Bree was up for it so Howard sent her over to the sex machine. She stripped down but kept her underwear on. She got on the Sybian and said she was going to think about Howard the whole time. She was telling Howard she was thinking about his cock going in and out of her as Gary turned up the speed of the Sybian. She was breathing heavy and finished pretty quick. She was shaking from it according to Howard. Bree said she loved it.
The guys asked Kathy if she wanted to ride it. She did want to do it but she wanted to keep her pants on. Will asked her to take her top off but he seemed to be the only one who wanted to see that. She got on the Sybian and took her top off. Everyone sounded shocked by what they had seen. Gary said he was going to take his mask off since it didn't matter now. Artie said it was fine with him and the first time it didn't matter that he had his mask off. Kathy finished up pretty quick which was fine with everyone. Howard wrapped up after that and went to break.
Today's Staff Picks of 2007 special was over around 11:45am.
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Howard started off the show talking about his computer being locked up and trying to get that fixed. Scott the Engineer was working on it and had it fixed within a few seconds of the show starting. Howard asked Robin why she didn't call him back last night. Robin said she was sleeping yesterday because she's sick. He said she never calls him back when he calls her. She said she just couldn't get out of bed.
Robin said that Howard doesn't think that she knows how to check her voice mail or even her e-mail. Robin said she heard her phone ringing but she didn't even get up to look at who was calling. She's still a little stuffy today.
Howard said he gave Beth a gift for Valentine's day and he wanted her to hear what it was so she could make fun of him. Artie had an idea of what he was about to say... The marriage word. Howard said he's the one who started the rumor. Artie started laughing at Howard so he told him to stop. He joked that he bought her a Pajamagram and that was it.
Artie said they have to play the tapes of him saying that he would never get married again. Howard said he knows but now he's just engaged, and he plans on staying engaged for 10 years. Howard made the official announcement that he is engaged so the guys were all goofing on him. Fred wanted to know if he had to get married to her. Howard said it wasn't like that, she's not pregnant.
Howard said he had a nice life and he's mad at her for doing this to him. He said she did say yes when he asked her. Gary came in and asked for the specs on the ring. Howard said that back around Christmas he started thinking about this and ended up going to this guy he knew to get the ring. He said that the guy was there at SIRIUS to help him out on the whole ring thing and Beth was scheduled to come down and do some stuff for Howard TV that day. He had to ask Doug Goodstein to reschedule her.
Howard said that their life is great together and he wasn't looking for a change but there are some people who treat her like she's his ''floozy'' or something like that. He said he kind of sees what goes on with certain people so this might help.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he wishes him luck. Howard thought he was laughing at him because that's what it said on the computer screen. Dominic congratulated him on the engagement. Howard said that he's thinking of taking on Beth's last name because of the confusion with Howard K. Stern's name. Artie said that some people will get the story wrong and say that Howard K. Stern just got engaged.
Howard took a call from a guy who did laugh at Howard for getting engaged. He goofed on Howard about the whole thing. Howard went on to say that the whole thing was very romantic but Beth didn't break into tears or anything. That kind of thing has been over for years.
Howard took another call from Wolfie who said that he remembers back to 1999 when he said he would never get married again. He said it didn't take him long to change. Howard said it's been 8 years so it's been quite a while. Robin said that this has been going on for a couple of years now, it's not like it just happened.
Artie asked if he had a pre-nup in the works yet. Howard said they haven't gotten that far, but he will have one. Ronnie came in and offered to do the bachelor party for him. Howard said Ross already asked him when that's going to happen. He's still in shock over the whole thing.
Robin pointed out that Howard didn't feel up that chick who was in the studio yesterday. Howard said it would have been a bad idea to do that on the same day he was asking Beth to marry him. The guys were also talking about Beth getting pregnant and having a baby. Howard said that's just not going to happen but the guys said they can picture him walking the baby down the street in a stroller. Howard said that stuff looks like complete torture to him and he can't imagine going through that. He said he's happy for his friends who have kids but he can't go through that again.
Howard said he called Beth's parents last night to let them know what was going on. He joked that he told High Pitch Eric too. Gary said that Beth told him at one point that she was going to be ''Mrs. Stern.'' Robin couldn't believe that she missed the call about this yesterday. Howard said he tried calling her twice yesterday and he never got through.
Howard got back to the story of how all of this came about. He was thinking about it back around Christmas. He was going through that when he saw he had a guy on the phone saying that he was an asshole for getting married. Howard said he's not married yet though. He said he's not ruining anything. The guy said there's nothing wrong with stability but they already have the stability. The guy said that the fans are going to slam him over this. Howard said the engagement is off then. He was just joking but he said he couldn't take the pressure.
Howard said that he really is shaken up. He was trying to tell the story but everyone was giving him a hard time. Artie asked him when he thought that he was going to get officially engaged. Howard said he still hasn't thought about it. He said he did talk to his kids about it about a year ago and has been thinking about it for a while now. It turns out he's not as much of a player as he thought he was going to be. He doesn't need to be married but he felt that there are people who think that it's not a real relationship because they weren't married. He said that Beth doesn't seem to care if they're married but he thought it would be a nice thing to do.
Howard said he spoke to this guy Richie about getting a ring. It was around Christmas but he didn't have time to get the ring done so he got Beth a necklace instead. The guy was surprised when he asked about a ring but they put it off until after the holidays. He said he's been looking at rings for a while now and he kind of knew what she liked.
Artie interrupted and got on his megaphone as Beth and said he was knitting baby booties. He also got on as Beth's mom and goofed on him. Howard said that was it, the engagement is off. Artie did some of his own Grandma Caprio impression before Howard could do it.
Howard tried to get into the details of the ring but he wanted to know if anyone else wanted to goof on him. He said he didn't talk to Fred last night but did speak to his wife. Howard asked Artie if he thinks that he's nuts for doing this. Artie said that he thinks the whole therapy thing helped him get to that point. He said he's been around people who are in awful relationships and Howard really got lucky finding this person. He'd like to bust his balls but he thinks that he's setting up a very happy ''rest of his life.'' Howard wanted to know if anyone thought it was a mistake. No one would say it was.
Howard said that they are engaged and planning to get married at some point. Artie said he thinks Howard is setting up a nice, relaxing future. He thinks it'll be a happy time for him when he retires. He'll have Beth and he'll be able to relax and vacation when he retires.
Sal came in and told Howard that he's very happy for him. Then he asked what happened to Beth saying that she never wanted to get married. Sal said that Howard is forcing her into it then. Howard said this was all his idea, she never demanded it from him. Howard said it's all his decision to go forward with it. Sal was laughing at Howard and wondering if Beth was going to want a baby. Howard said he told Beth that the baby thing isn't going to happen so Beth said that they might have to get divorced some day if she changes her mind about that.
Howard told Sal to get out of there. Sal told him that he's the one who will be in misery 10 years from now. He said that it's like Jekyll and Hyde. The guys asked Sal if he was coloring his beard because it looked kind of odd. Sal said he wasn't doing that and swore on the life of his kids he wasn't.
Benjy asked Howard if he knows what time it was that he did the engagement thing because he saw that Howard was writing about Scott DePace on their email system. Howard said it was before that and it was all over by then. He was back to work within a short amount of time.
Double A called in and congratulated Howard on the engagement. He said that he's become Howard's bro over the years and this couldn't have happened to a nicer person. Double A said he wouldn't hesitate to marry Beth if he had her, but he's not going to get married because he's having too much fun at this point.
Dominic Barbara called back in and put his wife Leslie on the phone to congratulate him. Howard thanked her for that. He joked that it would be funny if Leslie started tapping out S.O.S. on the phone to get her out of that marriage. Howard thanked her for the call and then Dominic got back on and said that they will film the pre-nup as a 3 camera shoot. He said he'd love to be part of the wedding but threw in a ''Daddy, wipe me'' joke.
Artie got on the megaphone and did his Beth impression. He was calling as Beth and saying that it was time to take little Howie to little league practice. Howard said that's it, the marriage is off. Artie continued to goof on him about that but then tried to get Howard back to the ring story.
Howard said he was looking to see if anyone who was coming in today was going to bust his balls. They didn't have any guests who were going to do that. He said he was getting woozy over this whole thing. Robin told him it was a good move and he should stop worrying about it. Howard said he can dish it out but he obviously can't take it when people goof on him.
Howard got back to the ring story and mentioned he got it yesterday. He said it looked good and he hadn't discussed it with many people at all. He said he mentioned it to his shrink and his agent and accountant. He didn't even talk to his parents about it. He didn't know why he would do that. He said his father didn't even get on the phone to talk to him least night when he let his mother know what was going on. Robin thought that was kind of crazy. He didn't even call back to talk to him after his mother was supposed to tell him about it.
Howard said that he and his father know each other about as well as two strangers on the street. The guys found it hard to believe that Ben wouldn't get on the phone with his son when something huge like that happens in his son's life. Howard said he's used to that though. He said that his mother was excited about it.
Artie was laughing at Howard about that whole thing. Howard said that got him thinking about how his father didn't call him back. He took a call from the back office where they were playing clips of his mother talking about how dreadful this was. Howard got a laugh out of that.
The news had already hit the news wire so Gary brought in the first story. Howard read the story and got a few laughs out of that. He then took a call from Blue Iris who told him that she'd blow him before he gets married. Howard thanked her for that and then Blue said that she takes the cake for giving the best blow jobs. She also told Howard that she always feels safe when she hears his voice. Blue said she's feeling good but she has to lose 30 pounds because the doctor told her to do that after she suffered her stroke.
Howard let Blue go and said that he's going to be busy today and he wasn't going to be able to give her the ring today so that's why he did it yesterday. He asked her if she wanted the gift early but demanded that she get naked for him first. She didn't want to do that because she hadn't showered and had just eaten so she felt fat. Howard said that he told her she could wait for tomorrow if she didn't get naked so that's what she said she'd do.
Howard said Beth asked him what he got her and asked if it was jewelry. He said that's not what it was but it was something she really wanted. Howard said they went to the bedroom so she could get naked for him. He said she removed her clothing and so did he. He said he had a boner so he ran into the other room and got the ring box. He said the dog was smelling his balls and ass as he was running around and that was grossing him out. He said it was really annoying. Howard said he was a nervous wreck at the time.
Howard said he hadn't prepared a speech so he wasn't quite sure how to ask her to marry him. He went into the bedroom and palmed the ring so she couldn't see it. He then told her he loves her and she means everything to him. He said he knows it's ''so gay'' and then continued the story where he said something like ''I'm asking you to spend the rest of your life with me...'' Artie did one of those coughing things where he says ''Cough..Haggot'' and Fred played some Gilbert Gottfried laughs and ''What are you a homo!?''
Howard said Beth was very surprised when she saw the ring and thought he was goofing on her or something. Howard said that if she didn't like the ring, she could have told him and he would have had it changed. He said she loved the ring and it even fit her perfectly. He didn't know what her ring size was, they just took a guess.
Robin said she saw Beth asking Bubba's wife about what cut her diamond was when they were at their wedding. Howard said Beth wanted an emerald cut so that's what he got for her. Artie said he could have hooked Howard up with his diamond guy. Howard asked him what size his diamond was. Artie's was 4 carats and Howard got Beth a 5.2 carat diamond.
Artie asked Howard if they would be laughing at him if he told them what the ring cost. Howard said ''yes'' so everyone laughed. Robin congratulated Howard on the whole thing. Howard said that he and Beth started fucking after she got the ring and they couldn't stop talking during that. He said she had a very powerful orgasm after that. Fred said it was a ''5.2 on the Richter scale.''
Howard said he made the series of phone calls to everyone after all of that. He said he called Beth's parents and spoke to her father and asked if he had his blessing. The guy, Bob, said he had to let that all sink in after he asked. He said that if he wanted him to call it all off he'd do that. Bob told him he thinks Howard is a good dude and they're a great couple. Both of her parents gave their blessings for the marriage and he said it was kind of weird to go through all of that.
Howard went on to talk about how he didn't squeeze that girl's tits on the show yesterday. He said he told Beth that he didn't do it so she told him to go ahead and do that stuff if he wants. He said he should call Beth and talk to her today. He asked Robin if she wanted to hear what she sounds like as an engaged woman. Robin did want to hear her.
Beth said that Howard was thinking of not talking about this today. Howard went on to talk about how he has no desire to have kids. Beth said she's with him on that. Beth asked if people are giving him crap already. Howard said that Artie has been on the megaphone already.
Gary came in and said that he overheard the guys in the office saying that Beth didn't want to get married and the whole kid thing could be the same way. Howard said that he's not going to allow a Wrap Up Show today and no Superfan Roundtable this week if they're going to discuss this stuff. He said they're all going to be fired if they bring it up.
Howard said that he and Beth have been together for 7 years already and they have tested the waters so he knows this will work. Howard said that these people who are making fun of him are out of line. Robin said that no one has been making fun. She was laughing as she said that.
Beth was claiming that Howard just handed over the ring and didn't really ask her to marry him. Howard said he did though. The guys ended up talking about how weird it was that Howard's dad didn't call back last night. Beth said that her father had one condition for the marriage. He doesn't want Howard calling him ''dad.'' Howard said that he said the right thing when he asked that.
Beth said that she's going out to lunch today and she'll be showing off that ring to her friends. The guys told her not to say where she was going because the paparazzi would be taking pictures of the ring. The guys asked Beth what this means to her. She said she was still letting it sink in.
Gary thinks that this is going to hit the NY Post on the cover tomorrow. Howard said he doesn't think that will happen. Gary said he's so going to be on the cover. Howard said it'll probably be a small mention somewhere, nothing big. The rest of the guys insist that it will be the cover story. Gary also said that any pictures of Beth in a wedding dress will start surfacing.
Howard said that they're very low key and not looking for any attention. Robin said that there will be no quiet ceremony. Beth said she doesn't want people asking for a date because they haven't set it up. Robin said that they can't have a small ceremony, they have to have everyone there. Beth said this is the most beautiful Valentine's Day of her life. Gary added ''...except when you give birth.'' Howard said that if they had seen Beth stripping down last night, they wouldn't have had a second thought either.
Artie said that whenever he gave Dana a gift, she would make him put on more clothing. Beth said that while they were having sex last night, she was staring at her ring with her hand up in the air. She said that they had a fun time doing that. She said they have a great sex life. She thinks that they have gotten very comfortable with each other over the past 7 years and she can see it getting more comfortable. Howard told her not to get too comfortable though.
Howard took another call from the back office. It was the guys playing clips of Ben Stern talking about marriage and telling Howard that divorce is very popular these days. Beth thought it was really Ben, not knowing that they were playing audio clips. Ben told Howard that he was wrong for doing this and he shouldn't go through with it. Howard said that was Sal having a field day back there.
Beth said that the ring is not obnoxious and it was very beautiful. She said she doesn't want to take it off but she has to go to the gym today. She said that was very sad that she had to take it off. Beth said that their dog was screaming in pain from the ice out on the street this morning. The salt they put down on the street eats away at the dog's feet. Beth said there is a salt out there that doesn't hurt the animal's paws so she wants to find out more about that. The salt they use now gets into Bianca's ''vagine'' because she sits in it when her feet start to hurt. She said that it doesn't just hurt the animals, it gets on little kids and stuff when they're being walked around on the street.
Artie said that Beth was making a good point and she should keep it in mind for when she has a kid in a couple of years. Howard told him that's not funny and asked him why he's there, doesn't he have a FOX deal? Beth got back to the salt thing and said she really wants to find out more about the special salt so she can try to do something about it. Robin and Artie congratulated Beth on her engagement as Howard was letting her go.
Howard played another clip where Garver asked another character, Darth Nihilus, about his character and then asked him if he lives at home with his mother. He also asked him if he feels gay for being into Star Wars. The guy started to get angry with the questions and asked Gary the same things. The guy said that Garver was acting like an asshole. Garver shot back at him saying he was an asshole for dressing the way he did. Howard told him that maybe he shouldn't goof on people and just interview them. Baba Booey told Howard that the character was from a video game, not even from one of the movies.
Howard played another clip where Garver interviewed another guy in a mask. The guy didn't like the line of questioning and told Gary that they were retarded. The guy walked away from him after a couple of questions that he didn't like. Garver said that the guy was dressed up like one of those Stormtroopers. Howard said that he should just let the people answer their questions instead of goofing on them the way he was. He wouldn't even let the people answer anything without goofing on them. Howard told Gary he's really not better than these people because he's done some strange things in his life as well. They brought up how his ex-wife was saying that he was stalking her. Garver said that wasn't true and he never did that. He said he wasn't stalking her, he was just talking to her.
Howard and the guys talked to Garver about the bible passages he was writing out and how odd that was. Garver said he was doing that for himself, not for his ex-wife. He was going through some tough times back then. He hasn't been going to church that much these days but he still reads the bible. They were saying that Garver is a really angry guy but Garver claims he's not. Howard said that a lot of angry guys read the bible like that. Garver insisted that he's not angry. Then they brought up how he beat up his brother out in Las Vegas one time. Garver explained that and said he deserved it. Howard told Garver that he should probably study the way of the Jedi to keep himself calm. Garver said he likes Star Trek better so that probably won't happen.
Fred told a story about how his brother used to beat him up when he was a kid. Howard told him to go beat him up now since he boxes as a hobby these days. Fred said he thinks they're too old for that now. Gary (Baba) also had a story to tell about seeing a fight one time between a couple of sisters. He said it was a full on, hair pulling fight.
Gary told Howard that the one guy they had just listened to was this character Jango Fett (he was saying Jingo) so Howard spent a couple of minutes going over that. Richard came in and told them some stories about how Jango is the father of Boba Fett and filled them in on the details. He also said that the character Darth Nihilus in that video game doesn't even talk, he just makes a series of noises. Artie said it would be great if they had a Howard Stern Convention where the fans dress up as the characters from the show. They mentioned some of the names of the people who have been mentioned on the show over the years and how the more obscure they are, the cooler they'd be. Howard said it would be great if there were like 30,000 Howard's and only one JD.
The guys threw around names like Dead Air Dave and Andre who were the guys who pushed the delay button over the years. There was Luis the Board Op, Cabbie, Bucky, Tom Chiusano, Kathy Tobin. Artie said that someone could be Gary Garver.
Richard asked Garver how many people have signed up on his web site. He said he's got about 5 subscribers right now. He said that it's only $5 a month so it's not all that bad. He's got video clips up there and he had Blue Iris on recently. He said he's had Penthouse Pet Charlie Lane on with him and she's going to be co-hosting the show with him soon. He said the shows are put up for free over there. He's got other exclusive clips of his interviews there for the paid subscribers.
Richard said that Gary should just fight people on there because he's so angry. Garver asked why they think he's so angry. Howard said that he was antagonizing those guys so he could have just let them be. Howard gave Gary a plug for his web site GaryGarver.com and let him go.
Doug Goodstein came in and said they could put together something for Howard TV and actually have this convention. Howard said they might have to do it. Robin said that they could have the people like Beetlejuice show up for autograph sessions. Howard told Artie to be Ed Torian the lie detector guy. Howard said he might have to be the guy who does the Oprah Winfrey Negro Woman from the South thing. Robin said she could be that woman who cries and asks to be a star. Gary said he tried to get a hold of her but her number has been disconnected.
Howard threw out more names like Yaqi the Tickler, Dan the Song Parody Man and some others. He said he'll have to think about having that convention. He had to go to break after that.
Lisa came in and said that she can't wait for Dr. Keith to come in this morning. She said he should go around the room and figure all of them out. Howard said that Sal must be having some real issues with his wife because he refused to bring his wife in today. Sal came in and said that they almost got divorced last month and now they're going to counseling and things are getting better. He said that they had ''veered apart'' and a lot of shit went down and things got really heavy.
Sal said he got a mystery call from someone and thought that she was cheating. He said that she had developed an emotional relationship with another person but she claims that she didn't do anything physical. Artie said that the guy probably wants to fuck her even if she's not doing anything. Sal said he's known this guy for a long time and she used to work with the guy. Sal said he took his wife for granted and that's what he's learned in therapy. He said that she's still not blowing him but they are getting along.
Sal said that they were driving to therapy one day and he told her that his problem is that he wants her to blow him and he can't get that. He said that he's been trying to give her emotional support and that's apparently what she needs according to the therapist. That led to the guys goofing on Sal for sitting and listening to his wife's problems. Sal said that he has a hard time pulling that stuff off, listening to his wife and all. He said that he'd come home from work and his wife would ask him what he did. He didn't want to talk about it so he'd just say ''nothing'' and try to avoid it. Artie said that not getting sex is a major thing in a relationship so he can understand him being upset.
Howard asked Sal if his wife is blowing him now. Sal said ''not yet'' so Howard said that a chick wants you to act like you did when you first started dating them. Sal said that it's tough because she won't give him oral but she could go right out and blow another guy if she felt like it. He's there to support her and she won't blow him. Sal said his wife was saying she won't give him sex because he hasn't earned his reward yet.
Gary came in and said that Sal told him that his therapist told him it might take two years to get them back on track. He said he told Sal to find a different therapist. Howard asked him if it's a guy or a woman. Sal said he found an ''old Jew broad.'' He said that they have started to have sex lately but he's still not getting blown. Howard told him that he should have come in with Dr. Keith Ablow, that would have been great. Howard said he thinks that he and Beth are going to be boring but the other guys don't think that's the case.
Fred said that he was reading a list of the things that couples fight about most and Sal probably has all of them on his list. Howard and Beth don't have many, if any of them on their list. He said the things were Money, Sex, Work, Children and Housework. Howard and Beth don't have to worry about any of that stuff. The guys spent a few minutes talking about all of that stuff and got back to Sal and his wife. Howard asked Sal why he buys that his wife didn't go out and cheat on him. He said he'd demand that he get the blow job immediately. Sal said that all he wanted was to get his wife back no matter what happened. He said that he just wanted what he had when he first met her. He said he really loves her and he just wanted that stuff back.
Howard asked Sal about this other guy that his wife had been communicating with. He said that she was on the phone and emailing this guy a lot. He said on Mother's day he presented her with all of the stuff he had collected. Sal said that she had said that she loved the guy in an e-mail so he asked her about that. She said that she loved him as a friend, that's it. Howard said that the guy isn't the problem though, she's the one who is acting on it. Sal said that they've led him to believe that he was the one pushing his wife away so whatever happened in that relationship is in the past and he doesn't care.
Gary said that the guys back there are saying that it seems like Sal has been brainwashed into thinking that whatever she did was his fault. Artie said that's the way it seems to him. Robin told Sal that she's proud of him for going through this stuff which didn't seem to be the same thing Artie and Howard were saying to him.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that whatever he's learning now can only help him, even if he ends up getting divorced. He also said that the most interesting thing is that he brought up all of this stuff on Mother's Day. He said that he could have done it on any other day of the year. Sal said he was going to do it on that Saturday but his son had his communion. He said that he waited until that night after the kids were asleep.
Sal said that he's such a mess right now that he hasn't even been masturbating lately. He isn't visiting the booths or anything like that right now. Howard said that Sal probably has a clit down below now because he's been emasculated. Dominic asked how many therapists they have. They have just the one right now but Sal said that his wife is like another one. Dominic told him to get a therapist of his own to talk to because this single therapist is hearing stuff from both of them.
Sal said that this therapist costs him $135 per hour so he just sits there and listens to the two women babbling. King of All Blacks called in and said that it seems like Sal's wife just doesn't like him anymore. He said that this therapy shit is something he doesn't believe in. He seemed to think that she just doesn't like him and they should move on. Another caller said that his wife ended up having a one night stand with a mutual friend of theirs but they're still together. He said that he was being a total dick to his wife and now he realizes that. The guy said the guy was a friend of his so it was really hard to go back to having sex with his wife. He said there was no emotional tie to that guy though.
Sal said that it was just weird laying there next to his wife knowing all of this stuff. Howard asked him if the guy visited his house while he was at work. Sal said no to that but he didn't sound so sure about that. Gary told Howard that Sal went through and found all of this stuff that his wife was doing an found this code ''143'' in the email and discovered that it's a code for ''I Love You.'' The 1 is for I, the 4 is for the four letters in Love and the 3 is the 3 letters in You. He said that's how he found out about that and confronted her on it. She said that it's just a friendly kind of love and she's not in love with him.
Sal said that she still sees this guy at work so that's another issue they have in therapy. He said that he told his wife to end the relationship and she did that but then she thought that the guy was going to kill himself so she didn't know what to do.
A phone caller told Howard that he did something similar to what Sal's wife did. He said that it was probably more than an emotional affair. Sal said he doesn't care about that, he knows what he did was wrong not paying more attention to his wife so he just wants to move on. Robin said that Sal is impressing her more than she ever thought he could. Sal went on to say that the therapist told him to let his wife go ahead and say goodbye to this guy the way she really wants to. Sal said he's trying to do the right thing but he didn't want to let her do that. The caller said that his wife should have just told him what he was doing wrong instead of doing what she did.
Sal said that he loves his wife dearly and he's doing what he can to get things back to where they were. He said that he thinks that they're really bonding at this point and he doesn't want to screw it up. Howard said he kind of knew about this but didn't want to talk to Sal about it off the air personally. Robin said she did notice that Sal hadn't been on the air much lately. Gary said that Sal was really rocked when all of this went down and he actually wanted to take him and hug him when it all went down.
Gary asked Sal if he told his wife he was going to talk about this on the air. He hadn't so Gary wondered if there were going to be issues. Sal wasn't sure but he didn't seem to think there were going to be any problems. Howard told him to ask her if she would come on with Dr. Keith Ablow later this morning. Sal made the call and his wife said she didn't want to do it on the air. Sal tried to ask her if she wanted to talk to Howard now. Sal told her to go back to sleep a short time later. Sal said that she might be interested another day, but not today.
The guys noticed that Sal had a twitch going on while he was talking to her. Sal said that women can have that effect on guys sometimes. Howard told Sal that he seems to be taking the high road and being smart about it. He had to hand it to him for doing that. Sal said he knows he was no angel but he wants to make this work so he's trying to do that. He said he'll never understand women even after all of this. Howard said that's understandable. Howard asked Sal if he wanted Richard to come in and lick his balls. Sal said that would be fine. Richard came in a short time later and started to kiss Sal's neck. Richard said the ball licking thing isn't sexual to him. He said they might have to go further than that to make it more special. Robin said that was nice, at least someone wanted to blow him.
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Howard said that Chris' wife hates him so that's probably why he can't get the personal relationship going with him. Howard said he ran into Chris and his wife out at a restaurant one night and he was with a black woman so you'd think that would have softened her up. It didn't work. Chris said that he loves Howard and he's told his wife that if he was on the radio for 5 hours a day, he'd be just as disgusting as Howard is. Howard said his act is kind of disgusting though.
Howard said he thinks he may have a problem with Chris and he might lecture him too much. Chris said he might respect Howard too much. Artie said that Howard does lecture a lot so that could be the problem. Howard said he does think he knows a lot of stuff and he doesn't know when to stop.
Chris asked Howard what he's thinking with this whole marriage thing. He asked him why he's going back to Shawshank and why he'd get out of that and then go back. He said that he's making a mistake and he's going to ruin this girl's personality by doing that. He told Howard that his girl isn't going anywhere. Chris wanted to know what he did that made him come to that conclusion. Howard said they've been together for 7 years now. Chris cut him off and kept asking him why?
Howard changed the subject and asked Chris about his new movie ''I Think I Love My Wife'' which is coming out soon. He said he read the press notes about how Chris decided to remake this movie that was actually a French movie. They were all over the place with different subjects after that. Howard said that Chris has gotten into that Oprah camp and was helping out down in New Orleans after Katrina. He asked him what it's like to have Oprah as a friend. Chris said they're not that close but he will call her and talk to her once in a while.
Howard asked Chris how he gets invited to go to South Africa with Oprah. Chris said that they hair to pay for their own airfare but once they were there, all of the stuff was taken care of. Chris said that most of the people down there were Oprah's black friends other than John Travolta. Oprah put everyone up at a hotel and they all just hung out. Chris said they all got in touch with their blackness down there. Howard wondered if he hung out with Gayle King. Chris said he actually hung out with Chris Tucker.
Robin asked Chris if the trip to South Africa got him to stop using the N-word. Chris said that hasn't happened and he threw out the N-word a couple of times. Howard asked him if it's hard for him to do stand-up now and try out new material since people expect so much from him. Chris said he went to a couple of clubs on Sunday night and did some stuff. He said most of it worked and he's working on going out on the road again.
Artie said Chris went on after him a few years ago and people went berserk for him. They're just happy to see Chris come up on stage. Chris said he goes out to clubs all the time to try stuff out. Artie said he used to watch Chris working out some of his material and he'd be doing it on a Tuesday night with 8 people in the club.
Chris said he was talking to Colin Quinn the other night after Richard Jeni blew his brains out. He said he wanted to call anyone who might be on that list of other guys who might blow their brains out and talk to them. Artie said he can put his name on that list. Chris said that Richard Jeni was a sad bastard even for a comedian. He said that the guy was the best of that class of guys from the mid-80s. He thinks that it was eating away at Jeni that people like Seinfeld went on to become such big stars.
Chris got back to Howard's engagement and goofed on him about that a little more. Howard told Chris that he's very happy and he's taking that leap because he is so happy. Chris told him to just throw her $10 million and get it over with. Chris said that Howard was so happy after his divorce. He said he represented happiness to him when he got that divorce. Chris said that this is even crazier than Jeni blowing his brains out. He said that and Gilbert having a kid on the way is crazy too. He said Howard's news was the most tragic of all of those stories.
Howard asked Chris what's going on with his marriage. Chris said he's married and he's still in that. He's not getting divorced like some articles said a while back. Howard said Chris can't get pussy on the side. Chris said he wasn't getting any except when he was separated from his wife. Howard went over the story about this woman who was trying to get money from him claiming that she was pregnant with his baby.
Howard gave Chris a plug for his movie which is coming out this Friday. He wanted to know what kind of pressure he was under but Chris turned it around on him and said he's the one getting married, he's going to be under pressure. He reminded Howard how miserable he was when he was stuck in his basement when he was married. Howard said he was kind of making him think but wanted him to stop. Chris continued to goof on Howard and this whole marriage thing. Howard wondered what it is that makes women turn when they get married. Chris said that its' the title that the woman gets. A girlfriend is always auditioning and that's why it's all good until the marriage.
Chris told Howard there's nothing good about making a woman your wife. He told Howard he's got all of that money and he's getting married. He thinks he's nuts. He doesn't think Howard should get rid of that option to go out and bang chicks. He should never give up that option. Chris said Beth is a great girl though. Howard said Chris' wife is gorgeous too but she's not what he'd call fun. Chris kept picking on Howard over and over about the marriage thing, reminding Howard just how miserable he was when he was married.
Howard was eventually able to change subjects and asked Chris about his mother suing Cracker Barrel over not getting served quickly. Chris talked a little bit about that. Chris turned the discussion right back to Howard's engagement when they were talking about his movie again.
Howard wanted to know more about the pressure Chris was under making this movie. Chris told Howard how he didn't even want to direct this movie but the movie company wanted him to do it. He said that Spielberg actually told him to try out the directing thing. He directed Head of State and Spielberg thought that he should direct more so he went with this one and tried it out. Howard said there must be a lot of pressure because it could mean the end of his career if it doesn't do well. Howard asked him how much he needs to make for it to be successful. Chris said he just needs people to like it. He said that Ebert and Roeper (Chris called them Siskel and Ebert) actually liked the movie.
Chris told Howard that if he just stays engaged that might be okay. Howard said he was really hating this interview because he feels like a douche bag. Chris was scaring him and freaking him out. Chris said that he was the Ghost of Pussy Past today. He said that he's going to be really miserable when Beth stops fuckin' him. Howard said they were really bumming him out. He said Chris knows what he's talking about and it was really scaring him. Robin said that Howard did this to Chris and to other people as well so now Chris is returning the favor.
Howard said when they do get married, they're going to keep it small. Beth has even said they want to keep it just an engagement. Chris said that's what they should do then. Robin told Chris that Howard didn't have anything better to get for Beth on Valentine's day. Howard said this was really a rough day for him. Everyone was piling on top and pounding the marriage thing into him.
Howard asked Chris about his mom suing Cracker Barrel again and wondered what he did when he heard about it. Chris said she does have her own radio show and stuff. Gary asked him if it freaked him out when his mother went and got Al Sharpton involved. Chris said he just goes into his basement and looks at his fish tank... like Howard used to do in his basement. Howard said he had a 7,500 gallon tank in his basement and he got it just before the divorce. He figured Chris was getting to that point but Chris said they're doing fine.
Chris said he's got a 2 year old and a 4 year old so Howard told him he's got to hang in there for at least one more year. Chris got back to the movie career and said that he hopes that people just like this movie of his. They have some hot chicks in the movie and spent a minute talking about that. Howard asked Chris about the chicks and tried to find out if Chris was in love with his co-star. Chris figured Howard was trying to get him back. Howard said he's looking at Chris and figures he fucked her. He asked him if he did that and if he fingered her. Chris said he doesn't have feelings for her at all. There are lots of gorgeous girls out there and he's not fucking any of them.
Howard got a hold of a picture of Chris' co-star and said she's got a great ass. Howard said Chris has to be lying and the picture was actually from his trailer. Howard got back to the Oprah discussion and told Chris that he was hanging out with Oprah's friend Gayle King at a party one night. He said they had a meeting of the minds that night.
Howard asked Chris about Richard Jeni since he was pretty close to the guy. Robin said it was kind of wrong that he joked about his death on Letterman the other night. Chris said that Richard would have told people to go see his movie if he was still around when he was on Letterman.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that Chris kind of screwed him over this morning with the marriage talk. He also asked Chris about his wife hating Howard and figured that she probably dislikes Chris as well. Howard said that could be right.
Howard asked Chris how much porn he's got in his house. He said he really doesn't keep it in his house because it's so easy to rent that stuff. Gary said they could give him a box of stuff if he wanted it. Chris told a story about Rick Rubin giving him a crate full of porn one time and how pissed off he got after not leaving his house for four days watching porn. He said he passed that crate along to Mario Joyner and he called him up 4 days later angry that he had given him a crate full of porn.
Howard asked Chris about doing coke and found out that he has tried it. During that discussion Chris mentioned Dice's reality TV show and how sad it was to watch. He said he likes Dice but that show is depressing. The caller on the line asked Howard to give a date for when Chris is going to actually leave his wife. Howard said it will be one year from today. Chris said that they've been telling him that for about 10 years now.
Howard gave Chris a plug for his movie and Chris really appreciated the way he was all business when he gives a plug for something. Chris said that if the movie fails, he'll be looking for seat next to Artie. He said maybe he can sit in the next time Artie is in rehab. Artie asked him what he's doing next week.
Howard asked Chris what other comedians he thinks would have blown their brains out before Richard Jeni. Chris said it is kind of odd that Carrot Top is still walking around while Jeni is dead. He also mentioned Yackof Smirnoff in that discussion.
The caller told Howard to play some of the Oprah audio clips they had there. Howard played the clips which were edited down from her audio book by Richard Christy. They had Oprah saying all kinds of disgusting things. Chris told Howard to just leave Oprah alone and said he can't imagine spending that much time editing those clips.
Howard asked Chris about doing Inside the Actor's Studio. Chris said it was kind of surreal doing that show. He said they shot about 4 hours of show and edited it down to 2 hours. Howard said he was offered that show and he thought it would be cool to do it. Chris said that guy will kiss his ass like crazy if he does it. Howard said his agent told him to turn it down so it looks like he won't be doing it.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked Chris if he's into Scientology. Chris said he's not into that yet. Gary came in and said that Chris was saying that he had never seen naked chicks up there but they had a couple coming in shortly. Chris said he had to get going to do other radio shows. Howard figured his wife would have a problem with it. Gary figures that if they just brought the girls in, it would be fine. Chris said that's about right.
Howard told Gary to bring the chicks in. The naked basketball chicks came in a short time later. Howard introduced one of the girls, Nyomi Banxxx, to Chris and said she could probably rock his world. He said Chris looked kind of nervous. Gary said he looked like an 8th grader at the school dance. Chris said hello to the other girl, Olivia, and then Howard showed him some of the video of the girls playing naked basketball. Howard said he didn't want to embarrass Chris and let the girls go a short time later.
Howard wished Chris luck on this new movie. He said he's very excited for him and he likes the premise for the movie. He said he thinks Chris is the funniest stand-up comic out there and he's said that for a long time. Artie said it is hard to think of anyone else who is as funny as Chris. Artie said it would be hard to argue that Chris isn't the best comedian ever. Chris said that Richard Pryor was probably the best. He and Artie talked about how great that guy was.
Howard said that Eddie Murphy was great but Chris has outdone them all. He said Chris' comedy album is the best of all time as far as he's concerned. Artie said that no one would think Howard was crazy for saying that Chris is the best.
Howard talked to Chris about Eddie Murphy knocking up Scary Spice and wondered what he thought about that. Chris said it's fine as long as you're not married. Howard took a call from the guys in the back who had some James Brown audio clips. They had James telling Chris how great he was. That led to Chris talking about how he had worked with James Brown on Miami Vice about 20 years ago and how much fun that guy was. He said he had a guy who combed his hair for him. He said one day he had James grab his hair and tell him to put vinegar in his hair and turn it. He had no idea what that meant.
Howard said that James Brown had people around him who had to call him ''Mr. Brown'' all the time. He lived like a star. The guys talked about Brown for a few minutes and some of the crazy stuff he did in his life. Howard let James Brown go and Chris said that if the guy was still around and actually on the phone, the interview probably wouldn't have been any different.
Howard wrapped up with Chris and wished him luck with the movie again. He wondered if he's going to have a bad weekend if the movie doesn't do well. Chris said he'll be cool either way. They spent a little more time talking about how the marketing departments work with movie companies. Chris said when they were casting for Lethal Weapon 4, they made up a poster with a bunch of guys on it and the guy who got the most excitement from the audience got the part. That's how Chris got the part in that movie.
Howard took a couple more calls before going to commercial break. One guy thought it was great that Chris came in there and gave Howard the right hook over the marriage thing. Howard talked about how horrible marriage was for so many years and it was great to hear him getting some of that back. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard started the show without his usual start up song. He interrupted the Lenny Kravitz song and talked over it as it was coming to an end. He wondered where that song was from and which Birthday show it came from. Robin said he had come in for his birthday but not for a big party.
Howard said he was singing the most obscure Beatles song this morning. He said he was going to let the song finish first. Then he mentioned that Tricia Helfer was coming in this morning and the only reason she's coming in is because he has a dick. He said she's super hot and that's why he's having her in. He asked Fred to play the opening song after that. Fred said that people do get pissed when they don't play that song so it was best that they do. Howard said people don't like change and they wrote in and freaked out when he threatened to change the opening song.
Fred was trying to find some Beatles stuff but he cut off the opening song so he had to restart it. Howard told him to start it again after he stopped it. He was going to sing that Beatles song but he wanted Fred to let that song play. Howard then sang the lyrics to the Beatles song that he was talking about. It was from their Magical Mystery Tour album but Artie didn't recognize it. Neither did Robin.
Howard was singing a couple of Beatles songs and asking the guys if they knew which album they were on. Artie knew one of them as soon as he heard Howard singing it. Fred played the song and Howard sang along with it a little more.
Howard said he lost a heartbreaking game of chess yesterday. He said the guy was rated 100 points higher than him and he screwed up when he made a lousy move. It was that one move that cost him the game.
Howard said that he has thrown parties and when people leave to go do other things, you do get upset. They got a little sidetracked and talked about how much Brent is looking these days now that he's cut off those mutton-chop sideburns. Howard suggested that he get rid of those earrings he wears too. He said they're a little too feminine for him.
Howard said that from what he heard, Brent has been hitting the cocaine lately. He said that they were talking about all of this stuff on Bubba's show yesterday but Artie thought they were going to get pissed that they were talking about it.
Artie said he was talking to Brent about the Saints game at the wedding. That's when he suggested that they go over and check the score at the bar across the street. Brent brought him over because he felt bad not taking him over. Artie said that a bunch of the guys came over to the bar when they left. Howard thinks that Artie led the group over there because they all left after they did. Artie had $3,000 on the game so he had to go over and see how things were going.
Howard said that Brent is back on the coke from what he heard. Artie had mentioned something to Howard off the air and Artie didn't want Brent thinking that he was telling Howard stuff that should have been private. Artie said he went over to get a drink at the bar and Brent introduced him to this guy Randy Michaels who used to work at Clear Channel. Howard said he never got to meet the guy. He said he didn't know who he was otherwise he would have said hello.
Artie said Brent saw that he had some Jack Daniels and asked him how far off the wagon he was because he was going to be powdering his nose that night. Artie told Brent he couldn't go back to that. He said that's his death drug and he can't go back to it. He hasn't done it since 1997. If he had done it, he would have started running and they'd end up in St. Louis or somewhere like that. Artie told Brent to go have fun but he wasn't going to do it.
Artie said he thinks that his gambling vice kept Brent from doing the coke. They were so wrapped up in the game that Brent may have skipped the coke. Howard said that Artie going over to do his gambling thing led to half of the guys leaving the wedding. That wasn't fair to the guys who stuck around there at the wedding.
Howard said that he got the feeling that Artie gave Bubba more money than he did. Beth heard him saying that the amount of money he gave him was embarrassing so Beth thought that it meant that he had given more. Artie said he went by what they were saying on the air so it shouldn't have been more.
Howard took a call from Joey Boots who said he made up that $50,000 amount for Ralph's check. He said he lied and said that Ralph had actually told him that number. They now know that Chaunce listens to that show since he took that number and went to the news with it. Howard played an audio clip from that show where Joey mentioned the number. Joey lied and said he knew the number because that's what Ralph told him. Joey said that he's going to spread a rumor that Mutt is getting paid $100,000 a year to do the Superfan Roundtable show. He said that should drive Riley nuts.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked to get $50,000 if he's a good caller and then asked if Howard is working on Friday. Howard said they are not working on Friday, they don't work Fridays. The caller said that Artie and the guys should have been allowed to go out and have fun during the wedding if they had been there for a few hours. Robin said that Artie was serious when he said he didn't want to go to the ceremony that day.
Artie said he was getting into the game at the bar when everyone else started showing up over there. Sal and Tim came over and started bothering him with Eagles chants in his ear. He thought that the wedding had ended by that time.
Artie said one of the girls took a picture with him but she didn't look like she was into him. He said he wasn't into the whole threesome thing either. He wasn't able to just pick one of the girls politely either. He said one of the girls was cute but he was more attracted to this blonde at the bar across the street. Howard said he thought there were going to be a lot of hot girls at the wedding but he didn't find that at all. Artie said there were some good looking girls there. He was hitting on one but then her boyfriend showed up.
Artie said he and Sal ended up going to the chocolate fountain at the wedding. Howard interrupted and said he heard about that. They had fruit there that you could dip in the chocolate. Sal suggested that Artie dip a donut in the fountain and his eyes lit up like he had just invented radio. He thought Sal had come up with the best idea at that point.
Howard said Howard TV has a lot of coverage of the wedding and the stuff they were doing down there. Artie said that he and Sal were eating the chocolate covered donuts when Sal said that it was better than pussy.
Artie said that Howard got kind of drunk at his party and was telling him ''Eat you fat fuck!'' but Howard didn't remember that. Artie then reminded Howard that Sal had creeped him out at his party. That was something else he didn't remember. Artie told him that Sal was kissing his ass and singing to him when he told him to just get the fuck away from him.
Howard said he always ends up alone at these parties he goes to. He said he really likes Sal but he was sitting alone with Beth when he came over and started bothering him. He said he just wanted him to shut the fuck up and stop sucking his dick for two seconds and act normal. Sal came in and said it was a proud moment for him. Howard told him he's got to calm down with that shit.
The guys goofed on Sal about the way he kisses Howard's ass saying he's kind of like Luca Brazi in The Godfather the way he's always up his ass. Sal said he had started to sing ''My Hero'' to Howard at one point and Howard said he's an asshole when he does that stuff. Sal said that Beth was beautiful at the wedding. Sal and Beth had it out about his horse face comments there at the wedding as well. Artie said that Sal went into his phony apologetic stuff in front of her.
Howard said he called Sal's hotel to pay for his room but he wasn't there under his last name. They had changed it to his wife's maiden name because he was getting prank calls. Artie said he had to change his name as well.
Howard said that Artie had a facial while he was down there but he didn't realize he had white crap all over his face. Artie said Tim Sabean told him about it but Robin said everyone wanted it to be a secret and didn't want him to find out. Artie said they're like a bunch of 6th graders there. He said it would have been nice if someone had told him about that.
Robin said that Artie never stops talking even when he's eating. He was telling stories and stuff even as he was eating all of that food. There was some discussion about how Artie wasn't getting his own food at Bubba's wedding. Artie said he went to the reception when they were at the wedding and did go through the buffet himself one time. Then this guy came to the table and told him that he would get them anything they needed. He took full advantage of that and had him getting his food for him.
Howard said that Howard TV will have coverage of a lot of that stuff. They have video of Artie in his bathing suit. They showed some of that in the studio and Artie said it was so depressing to see that. Howard said he hopes that they have video of him getting off the wave runner. Artie said that picture of him is disgusting and it's all because of laziness. He said it's awful.
Ronnie said that one of Bubba's people there helped him embarrass himself. He said he did get a little drunk and he didn't think it was that bad. Then he stared doing tequila shots with Artie. Howard told him to tell the truth and Ronnie said he was. He said he kept getting shot after shot from 25 Cent over there. Then something snapped in his head after too many shots. He went to one of Bubba's people and asked if he should do this thing he was going to do. That person, who remained nameless, told him to go for it and brought him to the microphone. That's when he got up and did this thing in front of everyone. It was his ''Lets fuck some whores'' catch phrase that no one even knew he had. Howard asked him why it was important for him to say that. Ronnie claimed he thought that all of the kids were gone so it shouldn't have been that big of a deal.
Howard said he blames himself for Ronnie's behavior and he's really gotten carried away with himself. Ronnie said that he will apologize to Bubba but he won't apologize to Howard. Howard said that Ronnie went up at the wedding and made a speech that was embarrassing. He had some audio from that so he had Fred play it. In the clip Ronnie was cursing out this girl's boyfriend when people reminded him he was at a wedding where there were kids. Then he as throwing out the f-word and telling Bubba's wife to get up there.
Howard told Ronnie he's got to stop doing stuff like that because it embarrasses him and his show. He said it's not funny when he yells out ''Lets fuck some whores'' and things like that. Howard said he might have to speak to Ronnie off the air because he really wants him to stop with this stuff. Ronnie said he will have this conversation off the air then. He sounded pissed that Howard was bringing this up on the air.
Howard told Ronnie that his new catch phrase was ''Lets fuck up Howard's reputation.'' Ronnie said that he wasn't working down there on Saturday night so he shouldn't have to stop doing what he wants to do. Howard told him that he's not funny when he does that stuff. Ronnie said he heard him the first time and yelled at Howard as he was doing that. Howard told him not to yell at him. He told him he was at a wedding and should have been in control of himself.
Howard told Ronnie he just won the Asshole Award for his behavior down there. Ronnie started to walk out but quickly came back to defend himself some more. He said he knows that what he did was wrong but he couldn't take it back. Howard told him not to drink tequila shots anymore. He gets way out of control with that stuff. Ronnie said he almost didn't come in this morning because he didn't want to go through this. He said that the one person at the wedding who should be taking the blame is the guy who told him it would be a good idea to do what he did. That person, who was still being kept nameless, told Ronnie it would be a good idea.
Howard told Ronnie that he thinks his tattoo ink is poisoning his brain or something. He said that Ronnie's wife is such an angel and he can't imagine that she likes his behavior. Artie thanked Ronnie because he could have easily taken asshole of the weekend award if Ronnie didn't do what he did.
Howard said that there are rules for his show and for the way his staff acts outside the show. Artie said that it wasn't really work but it was kind of work in a way. They should have all been on good behavior. Howard said Bubba has some nice family and they probably walk away thinking that Howard Stern is classless when they see his staff acting like that. He thinks he should talk to Ronnie about his behavior so he knows how to act out in public. They all get labeled as bad people when something like that happens.
Artie said that Bubba was only offering up half pills and there's no way he could get off on that. He said he wasn't going to take them anyway but half a pill wouldn't work for him. He also thanked Brent for treating him so well that night and apologized to him for dragging him to the bar that night.
Howard said that after the wedding he was brought out to his car in the back. He said that Bubba and Heather were back there and the preacher was with them. The preacher asked for a kiss from Heather while they were standing outside.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has been fired for doing stuff like Ronnie did at the wedding. Howard said he wasn't going to fire him but he was kind of an embarrassment. He said he's kind of like that retarded brother you're embarrassed of. Another caller said that maybe Ronnie should be replaced with Joey Boots who might appreciate his job. Howard said he doesn't have a problem with Ronnie's work, just his behavior at the party.
Howard took a call from a guy down in Tampa who said he was there at the wedding. He thought that Ralph was more of an embarrassment than Ronnie was. The guy said Ralph looked at him as if he was nothing and walked away. Howard said he had a better story about Ralph. He said Ralph has a persona of arrogance about him and it's kind of scary because he kind of looks like him. He said Ralph went over to the Dollhouse and one of the girls thought it was actually him and stared making out with him.
Howard said Doug was out to eat one morning and heard some guys talking about seeing Howard out and he was shorter and uglier than he thought he was. A friend corrected that guy and said that it was probably Ralph he had actually seen. They've been getting mistaken for each other for a while now.
Howard said that Ralph tried cutting into the buffet line at one point and when they got back to the table, he told some people that Ralph was acting like an asshole. That eventually led to Ralph hearing that and leaving the table. Robin said she didn't see him at the end of the night.
Howard took a couple of phone calls. Bobo called in and asked Howard if he got horny on the plane and banged Beth. Howard said he didn't do that and he's never done it on an airplane. Artie said there was no room to do that on the plane with all of the food they had. Howard talked about how tight things were there with Artie. He said he had to hand him his food and stuff as he was eating.
Bobo asked Howard if he got a massage down there. Howard said he didn't get one but Beth did. That led to Robin saying that she saw Tim Sabean down there getting a massage and it was shocking to see him there. Tim was afraid that she saw his penis but she said she didn't look down so she didn't see it. Gary came in and said that Robin's nipples were poking through her gown even though it was very thick.
Sal said that he was doing his Fake Howard impression when he said what he said. The guys had the audio from the show so Howard played that. In the clip Sal, as Fake Howard, says that he fucked Gary's wife in the ass. Bubba then cut him off and said that it was actually Sal, as Howard, saying that. It really wasn't all that bad but Howard said it wasn't even that good.
Howard read some notes that Sal sent him about what went on out there at the wedding with the chocolate fountain. He said that Artie as eating the donuts that he had dipped in the chocolate like it was his last day on earth. Howard said when you see Artie eating it's like watching a maestro working with an orchestra.
Gary told a story about how tired Artie was when he showed up down there. He said that they were all hanging out on Saturday when he realized that it was like 3 in the afternoon and he hadn't showed up. He tried calling Artie to make sure he was okay. He said he was going to have to get security to go check his room. He called at 5:20 in the afternoon and he was still asleep. He said Artie freaked out when he picked up the phone because he had been asleep all afternoon. They had to leave about 20 minutes from then.
Howard said that's Artie's move and he has to be treated like a little kid because he doesn't do anything on his own. Artie pointed out that maybe that's why Dana got fed up with all of that stuff. Howard said he was even holding Artie's Coca Cola on the plane for him.
Howard asked Gary about Ronnie's behavior at the wedding. Gary said that they were in Bubba's world down there and they should have been on their best behavior. Artie said that if Ronnie wasn't affiliated with their show, and he was part of Bubba's show, Bubba probably would have dropped his ass.
Sal said that Ralph was out of control down there with his arrogance. He said that he walked by him after his wife had gone to the bathroom. Ralph saw a pina colada sitting there, asked whose it was and stole it. Sal claims that he told him to just order another one and bill it to Howard's room like he does.
Howard said Richard was down there blowing a fake penis and had a fake load being blown on his face. He watched the video of that and described what was going on. That was all going on during their appearance on Bubba's show. Howard said that Sal and Richard were making out in a shower over there. They were pretending to fuck each other in the ass and stuff too. Howard said that's the gayest they've ever acted.
Howard said that Sal used to not show his penis on video but now he does it all the time. Gary wondered what they tell their girlfriends and wives after doing that stuff. They said that they probably don't know what they were doing.
Howard said he really loves Gary's wife and had a nice conversation with her. He also mentioned that Richard Christy's girlfriend has a great body. Benjy's girlfriend Sheila is very cute too and no one can figure out how he got her. He said that Benjy was acting very normal down there though. Richard said that Benjy went parasailing while they were there and it was amazing when it actually took off.
Howard told a quick story about Sal sticking his face in Steve Langford's face when they were out on Bubba's boat. They showed some video of that in the studio as that story was being told. Steve had to lay down on the boat when Bubba gunned it because he was so scared.
Howard mentioned that Tricia Helfer was there so he had to take a break and get her in there. He said it might be a bad interview because he's just having her in because she's so hot. He went to break right after that.
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Howard read through the e-mail and the guy doesn't even want to perform the song himself. He said that maybe Howard could sing the song. Howard said if he did that, Beth would leave him. He played a little more of the song and said he's going to try and learn it. They had already transcribed the song for Howard so Gary told him he could sing along with it.
Howard wanted to sing the song in a lower key but Fred told him to try it the same as the guy who sang it. Howard tried a line but gave up quickly. Artie said he wants to sing some Anne Murray at the wedding. Howard said he definitely wants that to happen.
Howard asked Sarah if she was wearing that outfit to The View today. He didn't seem that impressed with the look. Sarah said she got dressed up last night for David Letterman. She said that this is daytime TV she's doing today so she's a little more covered up for that. Howard said that it was actually a good look for the ball sniffing thing.
Howard asked Sarah if she would drop Jimmy Kimmel if she could get Letterman. She said ''probably'' but it would be nice to get both coasts and have both of them.
Howard said that he's not liking this sweater look on Sarah and she should have something sexier. Sarah said that the dress she wore last night was the same one she wore at the awards show she did. Howard said he knows that Teddy has a crush on Sarah and he made sure to hide out in the hallway when she showed up today. Sarah wondered if she should fuck him. Artie told her not to because that would take his mind off of work.
Howard asked Sarah if she's not going to dress up sexy anymore when they go on vacation from now on. Sarah said that she doesn't think she ever will. Howard said she always covers up when she's out even if it's warm out. Sarah said that she just wanted to smell Richard's balls and not talk about this stuff.
Howard gave Sarah a plug for her show that airs tonight on Comedy Central at 10:30. He then had Richard come in to fill Sarah in on what he had done since Monday to make his balls stink. Howard asked Sal to write down what he smelled in the past when he was near Richard's balls.
Howard showed Sarah a tape that the Howard TV guys got of Richard working out and getting all sweaty to make his balls really smelly. Sarah said she'd love it if the fans could see this right as she was seeing it. After all of that Richard squeezed the ball sweat off his balls and drank it. Sarah started to dry heave when she saw that. She didn't think it was real but Howard told her it was definitely real. Richard said that it was about 90 degrees in his apartment when he was doing that. He made sure he was as hot as possible during that work out.
Howard had Richard spread his legs for Sarah. She said she was going to stay about 12 inches away from him and take a sniff. Howard told Sarah to go over to Richard who had been wearing the same underwear since Monday. He has taken 3 or 4 shits, masturbated about 3 times and he's sweat a lot since Sunday when he last showered. He said he usually changes his underwear every 2 or 3 days.
Howard asked Sarah what she thinks of Richard's penis. She said that this isn't that crazy, they do stuff like this in the writing sessions for her TV show. She said that they've been spinning their wheels a lot lately and that's what they do. Sarah noticed that Richard has some odd things on his asshole. Richard said he thinks that it's from wiping too hard and showed her how they disappear when he pushes out. He showed it but the pussy lips on his asshole didn't go away according to the guys in there.
Richard said that this is real bravery for Sarah to do something like this. She couldn't get past the look of his asshole and kept asking him about that. Will could smell Richard but Sarah hadn't gotten a sniff yet. Then she dry heaved all of a sudden when she did catch a whiff. She didn't think she'd gag but she did. She then went in for another smell and said that she could smell something. She said that she was writing it down and then gagged again. She almost threw up for real. She was coughing and dry heaving more after she moved away.
Sarah described the smell as sour dough, yeasty dough mixed with mayonnaise that was left in a 1970s car trunk for a year with gym socks in the trunk. Sal then came in and said that it smelled like ass, cheese, sour milk and a couple of other things. Howard said he might have to smell it himself. Richard said that would be the ultimate. Howard said he might puke if he does it.
Sarah told Howard he has to do it and go in to smell it. She said that he doesn't have to get close, he can stay far away and still smell it. Howard asked Robin if she'd do it if he did it. Sal said that he'd do it. Artie said they know that he'd do it. Robin said she took Richard's temperature so she doesn't have to do this. Fred asked Sarah if she'd do it again now that she knows the smell. Sarah said she probably wouldn't do it again. She said she'd do it and she did it like she said she would.
Howard said he was going to do it but he didn't know why. yesterday he let a Psychic Mad Man burn him and today he's sniffing balls. Richard said that he never dreamed that the great Howard Stern would be sniffing his balls. Sarah said she wants a picture of this so bad. Howard described what he was seeing on Richard's balls and there was some white stuff there. He wondered if it was cum or something. Richard said it might be a cheese type product.
Howard went in for the smell and Howard started to gag. Everyone in the studio started laughing and Howard said that he stunk worse than a fucking dog. He said he wanted to die after that. He said he doesn't know how they came up with a description because it's like a monster that hits you like a ton of bricks all of a sudden. He said that someone else has to smell it. Artie said that he'd rather go back to working in construction than smell his balls.
Richard asked Fred if he'd smell it. Fred said that he does not like green eggs and ham... and Richard so he wasn't sniffing him. Sal said that he had to use Clorox wipes to get the smell out of his nose. Sarah said that the only way to get rid of that smell is to kill yourself. She said she has to go do The View now. Richard asked her if she's going to talk about that on The View. She said ''Of course I will!''
Sal asked Sarah if they could smell her vagina. She said that it smells like Lavender and peppermint. She said that Sal was pitching her some more ideas for smelling his foreskin and stuff before she came in. Howard said that it's enough of this. He gave Sarah another plug for her show and wrapped up with her a short time later. They went to break after that.
Today's Staff Picks of 2007 was over around 12:50pm.
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