Congratulations to the five winners:
Howard started off the show by taking a phone call from a guy who asked when George was going to be back. The guy misses George Takei already and they hadn't even started the show. Artie said he missed him already too because no one had said anything about the food he was eating yet. That led to Howard saying that Artie was eating so much last week that he figured he was doing it just to get back at George. George was sitting there staring at him the whole time.
Artie said he could feel him staring at him the whole time. Howard said he hates when people stare at him when he's eating. He said that his dog knows enough to take its bone and run off into another room. He said he used to do the same thing when he wanted to eat.
Artie said it's even worse when it's an elderly Asian, gay, science fiction star. Howard said that he'd look over once in a while and see him looking at Artie in disgust.
Howard said that the funny thing was when George gave Artie his Christmas gift and it was a big box of chocolates. Artie said he wanted to make him feel guilty so he ate the whole box in front of him. George told him he should eat like one a week but Artie ate them all in one sitting. Howard said that was bad but he realized that he gave Artie a whole case of Jack Daniels once. He said he'd never do that again. Artie said that he'd probably give him a case of heroin.
Artie said he felt so bad about what he did to George last week that he started to write a letter to him. Every last sentence he wrote was about how he'd like to do something gay to the guy.
Howard said he wants to play an answering machine message that Artie left for everyone but he might have to take a break to get it recorded. He wasn't even sure how to dial out from there. He said that they'd have to go to break so he could pull it off for everyone. He went to break about 8 minutes into the show.
Howard said he gets to sit all the way up front at the game so that's cool. He said that it's weird when you love them so much that you get upset when they lose. He said that he really doesn't watch the game that much but there's this little guy on the team that's really good. He said the last name is something like Robinson. Gary came up with a couple of names but no one was sure if it was him. Howard eventually figured it was Nate Robinson.
Howard admitted he doesn't watch the game much these days, but he's been a fan of the team since he was younger and they were really good. Gary told Howard about this Robinson guy who is only 5'9'' tall but he's got a 44 inch jump.
Howard played the message where Artie basically tells Howard that he feels guilty for doing what he did to the guy. He said that the bit went too good and he felt awful for doing it. Howard said he had already gotten a call from Gary about that so he knew what was going on already.
Artie was telling Howard about how long the bit went on and how he had to stop George from talking to him because he was getting into really personal stuff. He said that he was so nice and cool about it that he felt really bad about it. They had to edit out some of the stuff that George was talking about because it was way too personal.
Artie said that he wanted Howard to listen to the tape and see it before they play it on the air. Artie went on and on explaining exactly what he did to George in that room that day. He also apologized to Howard for bugging him with his voice mail. Howard said he was afraid that they were going to lose George on the show because they pranked him one too many times.
Artie said that they were treating George like a Wack Packer. Howard said he had to talk to them off the air in a meeting because of this. He played some of the song parodies that they had George singing and one of them was George singing about ''Brad's Big Balls'' to the tune of ''Jingle Bells.'' Robin said that it's like George has to walk around avoiding land mines there.
Howard said that they could have really ruined their relationship with George by doing this. He played another song parody where they had George singing ''I'm Dreaming of a White Penis'' which was funny, but Howard said it could have turned into a disaster if George was upset by the lyrics. He said that it sounded like George enjoyed singing them though.
Howard played another one where George sang ''Artie The Cuddly Muffin'' to the tune of ''Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.'' Howard said that one wasn't so bad but they went on and on with this stuff. Gary said that they showed him one that George's boyfriend Brad wouldn't let him do. They did have some stuff that he wasn't going to do.
Howard said that George is a part of the show and you can't just grab him and make him do this stuff. He said that he loves the guy on the show and now George is going to think that he sanctioned this whole thing. He said he really doesn't know everything that's going on there.
Artie said he should call George and ask him what the hell he's doing by singing that song about him. He figures that would really freak George out.
Howard said there was a new song about Robin that Sal sang. He played that one quickly. Sal sings about seeing ''Robin Kissing Jimmy's Balls'' even though they smelled like piss. Howard said he figures that Jimmy pisses on his balls a lot because they're so big. He said he does that too because he sits down to pee most of the time. He said that way he doesn't have to touch his penis when he pees. He said sometimes he has to dab it with tissue though because he does dribble a bit.
Artie said that sometimes your penis is cleaner than the bathrooms you go into. He said that he remembers going to bathrooms in Washington Square Park and how bad they smelled down there. He said it was like a tomb with bodies decaying in them.
Ralph said he thinks that Sal and Richard did good with those song parodies. Howard said they were funny but they can't grab him in the halls there like that. He didn't get upset about it but they can't risk it that way.
Howard wanted Sal to come in and talk about the rejected songs that they had for George but he was taking a shit. Howard said that he and Ralph were singing the ''Mozzarella Balls'' song that Artie performed with his mom last year. He said he doesn't know the whole song, he just knows a couple of the lines that he kept singing over and over. Fred played the song a short time later. Artie said that Fred worked with his mother on that song over the phone so he deserved credit for that.
Howard asked where Sal was so he could talk about this thing. Richard came in and told Howard there was a song about a glory hole that George turned down. He also said that George seems like such a part of the show that they just grabbed him and asked him to do the songs. Howard said he didn't want to make a mockery of this whole thing because he was really upset about them doing what they did.
Sal came in after taking his shit to talk about the George Takei thing. Sal said that he had a prescription for Xanax that he hadn't filled yet but after the meeting he got it. He went on to say that George turned down ''Glory Hole'' to the tune of ''Jingle Bell Rock.'' The two of them sang some of those lyrics and talked about how George refused to do it after Brad told him not to do it.
Howard played some of the songs that George did perform. They did change some of the lyrics for ''Brad's Big Balls.'' He said that after they changed the song George told them that they were ''Lyrical Doctors.'' They had just changed the word ''cock'' to ''dick.''
Howard asked if they had any outtakes from the recording session. Sal said they do and they have him reading the original lyrics. Howard played another one of the songs he'd played earlier and did get a laugh out of them. He said that they were funny but they really shouldn't have used George before getting approval from Gary.
Ralph said there's a station there that plays Christmas songs all the time and they should slip them in there. Howard said that would be funny and they could probably hack into it and play the songs. He said that would be wrong though because kids listen to that channel.
Howard said he's got two maniacs working there. He said he told them to get Gary's approval from now on and not just grab the guy out in the hall and have him do that stuff. He said he couldn't not play this for Robin though. He said he told Gary he was going to talk to them off the air because he was livid over the whole thing. He said he talked to them about it and now he's played the songs on the air and makes fun of the whole thing. This is why he can't run a business. Howard said that he can imagine those two grabbing Mel Karmazin and having him sing songs.
Howard said that now they'll hear from David and he'll be upset about Artie revealing that. That led to the guys talking about this restaurant The Waverly in the city and how it's become a big celebrity gathering spot. Artie said he went there one time with Dana and saw Elvis Costello there. He said that Dana didn't know who he was though and he ended up singing one of his songs loud enough that Elvis heard it. He said he was singing ''Pump it up'' and had Elvis looking over at him.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if he's upset that he's never been able to interview Billy Joel on the show even though he's friendly with him. Howard said that they have hung out but they're not all that close. He said he's always uncomfortable asking his friends to do the show. He said that Billy was on the show one time and didn't really do an interview. He was on a birthday show and did a song from a remote location. He's never really been on the show.
Howard said that Billy did call him last week to tell him about this song that he wrote and had another guy perform. They played that song, ''Christmas in Fallujah,'' and he got some great feedback about it so he called Howard about that. He said that's the extent of their relationship though.
Howard said that he doesn't want to bother Billy and ask him to do the show. He's afraid that it wouldn't go well and he'd ruin that whole thing.
Sal said that they appreciate that they're still there and didn't get fired. He continued to play the clips of George trying to get the lyrics down. Sal was snickering through the clip hearing George trying to get them right. George was laughing during the whole thing though. Howard said that it's a good thing that George has a good sense of humor and was willing to put up with their nonsense.
Howard said that this is like a mental institution there. He said it's ridiculous and he's not sure what he's going to do with these two. Richard said they'd be willing to let him spank them. Howard didn't want to do that though. He said he's not going to let them get away with this stuff and he's not going to make a joke out of it.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that Howard can't be mad at these guys. Howard said that he has to get mad at them because they went too far. Richard said that the meeting they had was very serious and they were scared just waiting for him to start the meeting.
Robin said that they are getting rewarded for their bad behavior right now and that's not a good thing. Sal said that they're really not. They know what's going on and they know that they did wrong. Howard said that he may have to fire them then. He was going to make Robin in charge of these two if that's what she wants. He said that she might end up firing them if they keep this up though. Robin said that there would be consequences.
Sal said that he has one whiny bitch in his life, he doesn't need another one. That led to Howard asking how his marriage is going. Sal said that things are going good and he's not going to say anything else. He said it's as good as it's going to get at this point. Richard said he hasn't heard him complain lately so that's good.
Sal said he wanted to get a hotel room in the city one time and his wife went off on him for inconveniencing her. He said that she went off on him complaining about that. Howard said that it sounds like she really doesn't want to be with him. Sal said that's not true.
Howard said that Christine probably would have gone to the hotel if she was allowed to go with her emotional friend. Gary said that marriage is fucked up. He said that he was doing the dishes one time and his wife yelled at him for making too much noise. He said that she was sleeping at the time and she got upset with him for that.
Artie went into his emotional friend voice and goofed on Sal a little bit. He was goofing on Sal telling him that he takes her to a hotel that's not nearly as nice as the one he wanted to stay at. He said the Best Western is really good. He also told him that he's not good at writing, he's good at fucking though. He said that his wife likes cabs and bus stations as well.
Artie, as Emotional Friend, had Howard cracking up. He was goofing on Sal and even Sal was laughing his ass off at the goofing. Artie kept goofing on Sal for a few minutes. Sal said that even the coffee guy at the train station was goofing on him about the whole emotional friend thing. He said that as soon as she pulled away from dropping him off one day, the guy says ''Hey Christine, I'll see you in 10 minutes!'' He said that everyone was laughing at him there at the train station.
Sal said that he and his wife were having sex last moth and he caught her rolling her eyes as she was giving him a hand job. He said that was really horrible.
Sandra came in so Howard spent some time talking to her about her accent and how good looking she is. She said that she's in this month's issue of the magazine. Howard checked out her pictures and said that she doesn't show her vagina in the pictures. He then found a picture of her where they do show her vagina. He said that she was only 21 years old and she was really hot. She's only 21 years old though.
Sal showed her the pictures of Artie in the magazine and she didn't know that he was sitting right there. She said he wasn't good looking. Artie said that was a really honest answer. It was brutal but honest.
Howard asked Sandra about how young she started having sex. She said she was in high school. She refused to answer questions about if she likes girls or not. She said that she wanted that to be her secret. Howard kept trying to find out but she kept saying that she has secrets.
Howard said he heard that she's going out to dinner with Markus Shankenberg tonight. She said that they're just friends. Howard said that he's going to end up banging her and he's really not that smart. He said that she should be going out with guys like him.
Howard said that Sandra is in this new book ''Playboy: The Complete Centerfolds'' that she was in to promote. Howard gave her a plug for that and then went on to ask her about Sweden and what it's like over there. He was asking her if there are a lot of black guys over there and things like that. He also wondered if they hate the Jews over there. Sandra said she doesn't believe they do. She seemed confused by some of the questions.
Howard asked Sandra if her breasts are real. She said that's another one of her secrets. Howard got back to the Sweden thing and asked about all of the crime over there. She talked about the high suicide rate over there because they get so little light during the winter.
Howard asked Sandra if she's ever been raped or anything like that. She said no to that. She also told Howard about staying at the Playboy mansion and how she never saw Hef having sex. Howard had her swear on the life of Jesus Christ that she hadn't and she did do that. Sal jokingly said that she was an Atheist so that wasn't going to do anything.
Howard talked about the book again and read that it weighed 47 pounds. They have every playboy centerfold from 1953 up to the current one. The book comes in a suitcase so Sandra presented Howard with an autographed copy. Mr. Hefner sent it to him with his autograph on it. Howard said that if Sandra went to some guy's apartment and saw the book she's probably be turned off. She said that it's a very classy magazine so she wouldn't be upset at all. Howard read the autograph and said that Hef probably didn't sign it himself, he probably had someone else do it.
Howard showed Artie this book ''Playboy: The Complete Centerfolds'' and then said he wanted to play a game with him. Artie knows the Playmates very well so Howard wanted to name some of them and see if Artie knew when they were in the magazine. Artie said that when you read the magazine, you realize that many of these girls never went on to do anything.
Howard asked Sandra if she plans on meeting a rich guy and marrying him. She said it depends on his personality. Howard said she's young yet and she has time to figure out that the personality doesn't matter. Howard and Artie went through the book and brought up some of the more famous Playmates. Howard went to the 70s and picked out some names for Artie to figure out. He went to the 1980s since Artie figured he'd be best with 1985 to about 1992 or so.
Howard went to 1992 and asked who miss January was. Artie didn't know. He said that he didn't think he'd be able to do what Howard thought he could. He doesn't know them all. Howard went to 1981 and said Karen Price. Artie had no idea. Howard said this wasn't worth waiting for. He gave up on the game and thanked Sandra for coming in.
Sandra lives in New York which came as a surprise to Howard. He asked her how much she weighs. She said that she's about 125 pounds. Howard thought that was more than she actually was but he went with it anyway. He gave her some more plugs for the book and for her issue of Playboy that she's in.
Howard wrapped up after that and mentioned some of the stuff they had coming up today. He went to commercial break a short time later.
Howard said that maybe they should have Lisa G do her news preview first. She came in so Howard asked her about the cookie party. She said she had fun but it was very stressful. She said that they'll have some news on that during today's Howard 100 News preview. She said that Ivy Supersonic was there and she handcuffed herself to Jason toward the end of the evening. She said that she was also clinging to Benjy all night like she was in love.
Lisa said that she thinks that Ross Zapin bought his cookies but he ended up winning the contest that night for having the best cookies. Howard said that everyone was supposed to bake their own cookies and bring them. He said that if someone really did that, it's not cool. Robin said it would be like using steroids. Lisa said that they gave him a ribbon as a prize that night. Howard said that it's really not cool if he did buy them because people worked hard making their own.
Howard said he's going to say something to Ross about that if that's true. He said he would never do something like that. Robin said that Ross never cooks and that's how she knew that he didn't make them himself. Howard said that's just not right and he's being serious. He said that you have to be honest all the time. JD came in and said that Ross' wife was saying that Ross made them but Ross was saying that his wife made them. Howard had to move on after that so he let everyone go.
Howard said that she really looks good today and tried to find out how much she weighs. She said that she doesn't know because she doesn't weigh herself. She said that Howard is very lucky to have gotten Beth. She'd like to have her herself.
Howard said he didn't think that her show would last more than one season but it's now in it's third season. Howard asked Janice about her botox and stuff like that. She had a face lift at some point so he asked her to move her eyebrows. She wasn't able to move anything on her face. She said that she can still squeeze her pussy though.
Janice said that she has a boyfriend now and he's an architect and likes her for who she is. Robin how that happened. She said that she met him in the dentist office. Howard figured she was all coked up this morning but she said she's not. She said that Howard just turns her on. Howard asked Janice if she still does coke. She claims she doesn't. She said that Howard just turns her on.
Howard asked Janice if she's smoking because when she laughed he could hear it in her lungs. She said that she was out in the jungle for weeks doing ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here'' so she started smoking there.
Howard read an article about Janice's show where this guy talks about how unpleasant she is and how the show is hard to watch because of her. Howard said that Janice is a very annoying employer and she must be hard to work with. Gary said he saw her put her hand up and tell one of her employees to shut up because she was busy talking.
Howard read that Janice is back to drinking in an article. She said that she did slip and she did have a couple glasses of champagne. Howard wanted to see something of her like her nipples so he asked her to show him something, even if it was just a nipple. She refused. Howard gave up quickly on trying to see any of that 53 year old nip.
Howard said that Janice must be so much fun in bed when she's just a little lit. He asked her what she does to a man that's so great. He said that maybe she just lays there. She said that his hair would stand up on end if she did him. She said that she would probably lick everything on him. She said that he'd have to be completely smooth down below though.
Howard read that Janice tried to get a date with Paul McCartney. Janice wasn't sure how he found out about that. Howard said that he called him and told him about it. She was very upset about that but Howard was just joking around. He didn't hear from him about her.
Janice talked about messing around with Kelly LeBrock years ago when she told her to leave Ron Wood when she was with him. She said that all models are lesbians at some point in their career. She said that she was afraid that she was going to say something that was going to get her in trouble but then said that Howard's show is the only one where she can talk about this stuff.
Howard read that Janice had once had sex while dressed in a nun's outfit. She said that some radio guys there in New York read that in her book and tried to do it in St. Patrick's Cathedral and the people ended up getting arrested. Howard said they also got kicked off the air.
Howard gave Janice some plugs for her show which airs on the Oxygen network. He also took some phone calls and asked Janice to model for him. She did a little bit of modeling and both Howard and Robin said that she's not jiggling at all.
Howard read that Janice was going to get some surgery done but she backed out when she heard about Kanye West's mother died during surgery. She said that she was going to go in for vaginal reconstruction even though she had no idea what they do to reconstruct it. She said they apparently make it tighter but she's not sure how. Howard said that he'd like to find out if it's tight by sticking his penis in there. There shouldn't be anything wrong with that.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that Janice is great. The two of them talked for a few seconds but Howard got bored with their conversation so he hung up on Jessica. He moved on to talk about Janice dating Sylvester Stallone. They spent a couple of minutes on that and Sylvester apparently thought that living with her was like living with the devil. She sounded surprised about that comment.
Howard asked Janice about Sylvester leaving his girlfriend at the time he started seeing Janice. She said that she felt bad for his girlfriend because she wouldn't want to be dumped the way he dumped her. She said that she probably helped that relationship though because Sylvester ended up marrying Jennifer.
Janice asked Howard why he has to read all of this stuff from his notes instead of just talking to her like a normal human being. Howard wrapped up with her a short time later. Janice corrected Howard saying that her show is moving to the Bravo network from Oxygen. Howard asked her if she's making any money. She said that she's not making that much on that. She said she's still available to do other things and she'd like to do radio or something like that.
Howard wrapped up with Janice and gave her some more plugs. She asked if she could stay longer if she stripped down. Howard said that she could but she didn't strip down. She threw in a mention for everyone to donate to an AIDS charity. She also claimed that she was a Jew but that led to a conversation where she revealed that she just calls herself a Jew, she was born Catholic. Howard got confused when Janice was explaining the whole Oxygen / Bravo / NBC thing. She said that the show is still on Oxygen but it was bought out by Bravo so it was actually Bravo / NBC. Howard said he had to put a bullet in his head after hearing that. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Janice is really tough to work with on the show. He said he was drained after that interview. Howard asked Artie if he got her phone number. Artie said ''Uh, no!''
Howard had some stuff to get to before Bubba came in. He had some audio of Scott the Engineer doing his stand-up act. He said he also had some audio of Shuli and Double A yelling at each other on the phone during an interview. Artie wanted to hear the Scott thing first but Robin wanted to hear the Shuli and Double A thing.
Howard was going to do the Shuli thing first. Gary gave a set up and said that Double A was offered a job there at Howard 100 News for a day and they claim that he never called back. Shuli called Double A to do a follow up interview.
Shuli was joking around with Double A and cracked a joke about them not getting a message. Double A went off on Shuli about his news reports and then Double A shot back at him again and the two of them started yelling at each other. Double A didn't want him cutting the interview to make him look like an asshole. Shuli said he was going to cut it to make him look like him.
Double A said that Shuli might be in his plans for the near future and threatened him. Shuli told him to keep threatening him and called him a midget. Howard said it didn't end there, they kept going. He said it keeps going on forever. Robin said it sounded ridiculous and she wanted to pull the plug on the clips because they were being so lame in their arguments.
Howard played another clip where Double A was trying to explain what he was trying to say to him in the other call. Shuli said that he didn't like him insulting his work. The two of them went at each other again for a couple of minutes. Double A said that's not the way they roll and they never do that kind of shit to each other and don't try to make each other look like assholes. Shuli went off on Double A for telling him how to do his job. He said that he's trying to make his stories funny so that's why he edits them the way he does.
Howard said that Shuli is kind of out of line in that whole thing. He said that he's coming on kind of strong there. He said that he's not supposed to antagonize him that way. Shuli came in and said that Double A came in and cried about not having a job there and then they call him and offer him a job and he doesn't get a call back. He said that he lied about leaving him a message and it's bullshit. He said he got tired of his bullshit and lies so he called him out on that stuff.
Howard played more of the audio from their argument and Double A apologizes for what he did and then waits for Shuli to do the same. Shuli apologized for calling him a midget. Then Double A tells him not to put that in his news report, telling him how to do his job again.
Shuli said that he can't give Double A a pass on this whole thing because he was given a chance to work there for a day and he lied about them not getting back to him.
Howard played more of the Shuli and Double A clip where Shuli was bashing him saying that he wasn't part of his family, they're just acquaintances. Howard said that for Shuli's next story, he's going to throw Eric the Midget down the stairs.
Scott said that this was very nerve wracking for him and it was very tough for him to do this. Scott said that the crowd was brutal there because they were booing everyone who went out on stage. Artie said that they were brutal out there and they almost booed some people off stage.
Howard played some audio where Artie introduces Scott to the crowd out there. They booed him as soon as he said they were going to have a special treat for them. Richard got booed off the stage so Howard interrupted and played that since Artie had brought it up. Richard was getting booed for everything he was doing, even when he held up his beer he got booed.
Fred interrupted and asked if this was the start of his act. Artie told him it was the middle of it so he had already done some of his jokes. Richard told Howard that he actually cut out the jokes from the audio because he didn't want his act coming out on the air. He was just playing the parts where he was getting booed.
Howard moved on to play the audio of Scott coming out on stage. Artie introduces him to the crowd and tells them what they're going to do, and gets booed. Scott gets booed as he's coming out after that. Howard said he was exhausted just hearing Artie's explanation of what they were going to be doing.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy said he didn't expect Scott's thing to go any other way but that crowd was brutal out there. He said that Jim Florentine ended his act with ''Thanks for coming, fuck off!''
Howard got back to the Scott clips and Scott tells a story about being asked to take a picture of Artie. He said that he wanted to say ''fuck him, what am I a photographer?'' Scott then goes on to talk about The Losers band which was named after him. He said that he got kicked out of the band and didn't get a response from the crowd. Fred was laughing as he heard him bombing.
Scott said that the guys told him to make some Cleveland references if they weren't responding to him. He did that but didn't get a response to that either. There was one point when he told a joke and waited for the laughs, but didn't get anything from them.
JD said that Scott wrote down his whole act and he had things like ''fuck with the mic'' in there and pauses for laughs and stuff like that. He said it was pretty funny.
Howard played more of Scott's act where he's doing his Baba Booey impression. He also joked about Bob Levy's ass eating bit and about Howard's divorce. It was all bombing. Scott did get a reaction when he asked the crowd how he was doing. They booed him.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that they were all great but the crowd was really bad. She said that they were funny but it was hard to hear them because of the booing. Howard wondered why anyone would go and boo the whole time after paying to get into an event like that.
Howard played more of Scott's act where he made the mistake of talking to the audience. That made things even worse. The crowd was yelling at him to do push-ups and stuff like that. Then Scott brings up something that happened on the show where he was going to get fucked in the ass by Lexington Steel. The crowed booed him. Howard told Scott to just stay home from now on. Scott said he doesn't want to do this ever again.
Artie said he knew that he was going to go through this stuff. He knew that they were going to be brutal with him and he would suggest that he not do it again. He wanted Scott to get it out of his system though. That's exactly what he did.
Howard said that there's a part of Scott that lives in side of him that dreamt that he would be great. He said that somewhere in that demented head of his, he thought that this was going to be ''it'' and he was going to be able to win the crowd over. Scott said that he was more worried about remembering the material he had for this.
Howard played more of Scott's act where he's talking to the audience about the push-up challenge and how he can't do push-ups.
Artie said that Mel Karmazin's son was out there at this show and this is after Scott had said something about Mel that kind of upset him years ago. It was just that black cloud of Scott's following him again. Of all shows for Mel's son to come to, it was the one where Scott flopped.
Howard got back to Scott's act and played some more of that. Scott had a couple of lines that were kind of funny but the crowd wasn't reacting to them, other than booing him. Howard joked that one of the voices yelling in the background was Craig Karmazin.
Howard said that Mel loves that son so much and he can imagine the conversation after that show. He said that he'd probably tell his dad to fire Scott.
Ralph called in and asked how much Scott got paid to do that show. Scott said Levy offered him $500 and Artie took care of him and gave him a little more than that. Scott said it was actually $2,500. Richard said that was more than he got. Artie said that was plus expenses too.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that what Scott should do is let the audience throw stuff at him. Tomatoes and fruit. Howard said that would be kind of funny. He said that they could do that at another show. Howard said that they should take him out one more time and do that. Dominic said that he'd be the most popular person there. He said that it would be like Gallagher in reverse. Howard said he'd go to see that.
Howard played more of Scott's awful act after that. He was trying to get the audience back but it just wasn't happening. Everyone was yelling and booing over him. Then Artie came out to rescue him so the crowd starts chanting his name. He tells them that they were going to play every second of this on Monday morning. He was right about that. Scott then asks if it's really that bad and the crowd cheers.
Howard said he thought it was funny that Scott wanted to do the question and answer thing after that awful act. Artie came out and asked if anyone had questions for him. A guy comes up and asks Artie a question instead. Howard said that Artie really needs to go out with professional comedians who can hold a crowd. He can't go out with these guys who can't keep them under control. The guy in the audience asked Artie which broad he was going to be fucking that night. Artie said that there were a couple of smoking hot chicks that were hanging out there, that's what the guy was talking about.
Gary said that JD and Richard flew out to Cleveland together. He said that there was a guy with a weird beard on the plane with them and when they get off he goes over and starts playing with his beard and then the guy shows him his hip replacement scar and Richard starts to lick it. Howard TV had that all recorded so they showed it to Howard and the guys. Doug Goodstein was the one who suggested that he lick it. Richard said that he just wanted to please Doug so that's why he did it. Artie said that's why he thinks that Richard is retarded, he just wants to please everyone.
JD said that Richard was trying to feel their balls in the limo ride to the hotel. Richard said he was just fooling around and Jim Florentine likes fooling around like that so he didn't mind it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he wasn't able to find one of these Stiletto 2 units out there. Howard said that a lot of people really like that new radio. Howard also mentioned that they've been pushing his History of Howard Stern special that starts airing next Monday.
Howard played more of Artie and Scott's question and answer thing. Artie talked about how he wanted to fuck both of the girls that were standing there on the side of the stage. Then another guy comes up and asks Scott about his weight loss. Scott explained what was going on there but Howard told him that he didn't need to try and be funny there. Another guy comes up and tells Scott that he sucks and he's an asshole. Then he asks him how he feels about sucking up on stage. Scott then goes off on the whole crowd saying that they're all a bunch of assholes.
Howard asked if Bubba was there yet. Robin said he was and Howard wondered why no one told him. Gary said he thought he heard Howard say that he was there. Howard said he was killing time waiting for him to find out he was there so he could bring him in. He apologized to Bubba for that. He said he had to take a break before he brought him in. He said he doesn't get why they didn't tell him Bubba was there. He said he would have brought him in 30 minutes ago if he knew. He went to break a short time later.
Howard had Gary bring in Bubba the Love Sponge because he had to apologize to him for not getting him in there sooner. Bubba came in and said he was fine. They were playing his rap song as he came in and Howard had to ask why he wrote the line ''a bitch ain't nothin' but a dirty bitch.'' Bubba said that's ghetto.
Howard said that Bubba was calling him all weekend. Bubba said that he had to take a Xanax before he called him. Howard said that his grammar isn't all that great and he did screw up a few times during his conversation. Bubba said that he thinks that a lot of middle America relates to that though and that's why they like his show.
Howard said that a guy came up to him at the Knick game the other night and told him to let Bubba know that he's got the best show.
Bubba told Howard about working on a station down in Jacksonville years ago and how a lot of people thought he was black because of the voice he was doing. He said they invited him down to do a song for them one night and everyone started to boo him when they saw that he was white. He said he ended up doing one line of his song and ran off.
Howard asked Bubba what's going on with his weight because he's getting big. Bubba said he hasn't put on any weight since he was last there. Howard had him stand up and show off his fatness. Bubba said he's 40 pounds more than he was when he first started there. He said he didn't lose weight for his wedding either. He said he was down to 250 when he visited them at K-Rock. He said that he was working out back then with Hulk Hogan. He said that he's gone now and living in L.A.
Howard asked Bubba what's going on with Hulk and his wife. Bubba said he can't talk about that because he's going to be deposed about the whole thing. He said that he's also going to be part of the case against their son who was in a car accident last year.
Bubba said that he's about 295 or 300 pounds but he's not going to get on the scale. He said there's no way that's happening. Howard said that he wants him on there but Bubba really didn't want to do it. Bubba said that he can't make him do it either. He said that if he was without a deal there, he might be kissing Howard's ass and getting on the scale.
Howard played some audio of Bubba doing his show and sounding like a black man. Bubba wondered why he comes there. He said he could be in his own little world in Tampa and not getting goofed on. Howard wondered who he was fooling down there making people think he was black. He was putting on a voice and saying ''wif'' instead of ''with'' but it was obvious that he was white.
Howard goofed on Bubba about the clips he was playing and Bubba called him a fuckin' asshole for doing that to him. Howard goofed on him for a few minutes about that.
Howard said that Bubba had a big announcement to make today. They got sidetracked when Bubba talked about the way Artie flipped out on Sal and Richard and gave them the rundown of the pecking order there. He said he loved it.
Howard asked Bubba what this big announcement was. Bubba thought that he was going to say it. Bubba has a few things going on and he only wanted Howard to announce what's going on ''here.'' Howard said that Bubba has been trying to work out a deal there but he's there to announce he's having a sex change operation. He was kidding of course. He said he's going to become Bubbett the Love Spongess.
Howard said he was talking to Bubba over the weekend. Bubba apologized for that and said he really didn't want to call him. Howard said that they were close to a deal on Friday but somehow things fell apart. He said that things all fell apart and Bubba called him to let him know. Howard said that he was upset about that and they were both kissing each other's asses about working with each other.
Howard said that Bubba told him that things went really bad and they were all ready to sign. Howard said that Bubba has been putting in his time there and he's been entertaining the audience for 2 years now. He said the problem was that the fans weren't accepting of him in the beginning but now they love him. They did some research and found that their two shows are the two biggest draws there.
Howard said that Bubba told him why things didn't go well and that made him sad. He called his agent and Tim and tried to find out what was going on. Then last night he got a call from Tim saying that things were going to get worked out. Now they're saying that Bubba will stay there for one more year. Bubba said that he'd like to be there longer than that. He said that they would only do one more year though.
Bubba apologized to everyone involved. They've settled on most of this stuff but just for the one year. He said that he came back mostly for Howard and for the fans. He said that he's never seen anything like what he's seen with the forum he has there on SIRIUS. Bubba said he thinks that once the merger is worked out, they'll figure out this contract and he'd like to be on for the rest of the time that Howard is there. He'd like to sync up with his contract.
Bubba said that if it weren't for Howard and his guys, things wouldn't have worked out. Bubba said that he would have considered Howard his great friends even if he had left. He said that he would never do that to them even if he was competing against them in the mornings.
Bubba mentioned that he sent her first check to the North Shore Animal League and they were going to send a copy of her calendar to Howard too but he was afraid of upsetting Beth. Howard said she would have been fine.
Howard said there's more to Bubba's announcement but he didn't want to talk about that today. Bubba said that they'll make the announcement tomorrow. He said he doesn't want to upset anyone and they don't want him to announce it today. Howard said that he'd like to talk about that because he'd like to talk to Bubba about it. The rumor is that he's going to be somewhere else as well as there. Howard said he has to make money somehow.
Bubba complained that Artie never calls his show and he'd like them to. He said he'd like to hear from Fred and even Benjy sometimes. Howard said that he was very happy that Bubba was going to be around for at least another year. He told him to give the rest of his crew his best.
Bubba said that they're going to be out in Phoenix this Friday. They're running their Bubbapalooza thing out there. He said that he just introduces the comics there. They have Ned as a headliner and the rest of the crew will be doing stuff as well. They're close to selling out an 1800 seat room.
Howard asked Bubba if he wants Scott the Engineer for that show. Bubba said that he'll pass on him and the only person he'd want from Howard's show is Artie. Artie said that he likes when they go over that kind of stuff on Bubba's show. He said it's great the way they go over that stuff. Bubba said that he's going to be appearing at The Joint out in Vegas too.
Howard said that Bubba has been doing a great job there and this was very good news for the fans. Howard said that they should show their appreciation for Bubba there because he's done a great job over the past couple of years. Bubba said he was so sorry for bothering Howard, he hates calling him. He said that he had to ask Brent what he should and shouldn't talk to him about. Howard said that Bubba was very organized when he called him. Bubba said that he actually has bullet points written down on a piece of paper so he knows what to talk about.
Howard thought that Bubba was about to cry but Bubba said he wasn't. He said he did kind of cry when everyone came down to his wedding down in Florida last year. Howard said that he might have to have Bubba to his wedding. He said that they never go to anyone's wedding so that was a big deal for him.
Howard took some phone calls and the fans were saying that they're glad that they're keeping Bubba around. Scott Ferrall's deal is up in March so Bubba said he's hoping that they keep him around too. One caller said that this was the best news of the day.
Howard said that this whole thing was silly and he did kind of flip out on the guys there. He said he told them that if Bubba (and Scott Ferrall and everyone else) wasn't going to be there, there was no reason to have the second channel. He said that they could just have the one channel there if that's the way they're going to do things there. He said that they need guys who are professional and can entertain the audience. He said that there aren't many guys out there like that on terrestrial radio.
Howard brought up Imus and some other guys out there who aren't bringing in any audience and still making good money. He doesn't know how much they're making but it's got to be more than what Bubba is making. He said that if Bubba was gone, he'd want to get rid of Howard 101. He said that it's fortunate that they worked things out.
Bubba said that this wasn't about money, they had some situations to work out and that's what they did. He said that he's not making one dollar more than he was.
Howard said that he'd talk to Eric tomorrow unless he had something he could quickly go over. Eric was upset that Howard thought he was plagiarizing Charlie's Angels with his movie. He said that Son of the Beach was the same thing but with Baywatch. Robin told him that it was a parody when they did Son of the Beach. What Eric was writing was something very much like the regular Charlie's Angels stuff.
Howard asked Eric if he's still in that SmackyShack thing on Stickam.com. Eric said that he's done with them, they're a bunch of assholes over there. He's on JFSC.tv this morning. Howard had to let Eric go after that. Eric told everyone to watch RAW on USA network tonight. He's not going to be on it or anything. Artie told him that they're not going to do that and said ''Bye!'' trying to get Howard to hang up on the guy.
Bubba asked Robin if she's two timing Jim with that guy. Robin said that she loves this guy but she's not two timing anyone. She said that she hadn't even kissed Jim yet but then said that maybe she French kissed him. Robin told Bubba to shut up and take his one year deal and go away. She was laughing through that.
Howard heard that Bubba was so fat at one point that he had to wipe with a towel. Bubba said that it was his girlfriend who would wipe him. He was at 488 pounds. He said that he used to poop and he'd have to take a bath if he was by himself. Artie asked him if he ever thought about suicide at that point. Bubba said he did but he was able to get chicks because he was on the radio.
Howard wondered why Bubba didn't marry that chick after she wiped him. Bubba said he actually ended up cheating on that chick. He said that he was so fat that he wasn't able to reach back there. He said that he's able to reach now because he's lost so much weight. He said that his wife would towel him back there if he got that fat again though.
Howard said that if he gets that fat he may have to get that Holly chick back again. Bubba said that she hates him now and she would never come back to him. He said that he came home to a moved out apartment when she found out that he had cheated on her.
Artie said that this is really opening his eyes. He said that he could never deal with what Bubba was talking about. He said that he could never have a woman wipe his ass for him like that. He thanked Bubba for that and then asked him for Holly's number.
Bubba said that he was working for this station years ago when Howard was going to do his Debella funeral in Philly. He said that they sent him down there in this Q102 radio van and they had him trying to ask questions down there. He said that he was so scared of Howard that he refused to ask him questions that day.
Shuli came in and said that they broke the news to Jim Florentine last night on Miserable Men that Robin was at the cookie party with another man. He said that Jim seemed a little upset about that. That led to Fred doing his Jim impression a little bit. Bubba was asking Robin if she gets wet when she kisses him or anything like that. Howard wrapped up with Bubba a short time later. Bubba asked them to call in once in a while. Howard said that they'd do that, they just got a little lazy. They went to break a short time later.
Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. They'll be talking about Scott the Engineer's comedy debut. He said they'll also talk about Sandra Nilsson's visit today and where someone is supposed to put that Playboy book that she brought in. They'll also be talking about Bubba the Love Sponge signing on for another year. That led to Artie talking about the towel wiping thing and how he will never get that fat. They'll also talk about Janice Dickinson and other things that happened on the show today.
Robin read through some news about some other stuff. Howard mentioned that he saw the movie Transformers recently and it was really good. Artie did an impression of a guy in ''the Usual Suspects'' but Howard didn't seem to care about that, he kept talking about the Transformers thing. Artie mentioned that he saw the Halloween remake that Rob Zombie did and it was really good. He said he fuckin loved it.
Howard kept pushing the Transformers thing and said that the chick in the movie is the hottest chick he's ever seen. Artie said that he knows who that chick is and he's right, she's smokin. He said that he was on a plane one time and saw the chick in the movie that he wasn't watching, and he and this other dude had to look at the screen. He said that he had never seen her before in his life and he was shocked when he saw her. Howard said that her name is Megan Fox.
Artie said that this movie ''Superbad'' was really good too. Howard read that Brian Austin Green is dating this Megan Fox chick. Artie heard that and said that he's going to leave show business if that's true. They spent a couple more minutes talking about how hot she is. Fred said that she's got some nasty tattoos on her though so maybe Howard wouldn't like them. She's got Brian tattooed on her somewhere. She's only 21 years old too.
Robin said that she saw Ivy Supersonic and all of the tattoos she's got. She said it's no wonder Benjy wants her to get rid of them. Howard said they found a doctor who will do the removal but he wants to make Benjy do something for the chance to have him do it.
The guys showed some pictures of Megan to the guys and then had Robin get back to her news. She read a story about how New Jersey is thinking of passing a law that would require pre-schoolers to have flu vaccines. Howard said that he would never do something like that to his kids. Robin said that they want to force kids to get all kinds of vaccines like that before going to school. They spent a few minutes on that subject.
Robin read a story about the thing that Howard was talking about earlier in the morning that would help prevent close calls with airplanes at airports. The New York area airports are last on the list for this new type of radar even though they're the busiest in the country.
Howard mentioned Transformers a couple more times during the news whenever he got the chance. He really seemed to like the movie. He said he was looking forward to this movie ''I Am Legend'' that's coming out soon as well. Robin had some news about that and played some audio of Will Smith talking about the movie. Robin worked with him on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air once so Howard asked her if he was okay to work with. She said that he was fine.
Robin read a story about the Writer's Guild Strike and how some people are giving up on TV now that the writers are on strike. Howard said that people will never give up TV, they've got nothing better to do and they'll always watch. He said there are too many good shows on.
Robin wrapped up her news after doing a quick report about the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
Howard started off the show saying that he just heard from Beth that they have a picture of her in Page Six walking down the street with four copies of the paper for everyone that was in the picture of them from over the weekend. She was kind of upset about that. Howard said that the paparazzi stand outside their building waiting for Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck since they live in their building now. He said that they get him when he walks out of the building as well.
Howard said that the press camps out waiting for Ben and Jennifer and they get anything that they can even if they just go to a hardware store. Robin said that they do stuff like that to show that they're ''normal'' so everyone knows that they're doing the same kind of the things that everyone else does.
Howard said that he thought it was kind of funny that they caught Beth with the paper in her bad. He's not sure why the press is still covering Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner though. It's unbelievable to see the media storm that happens with people like that. He said that the press camp out in groups of like 20 and they push each other around to get pictures.
Howard said that Ben and Jennifer are in town because Jen is doing a play or something. He hears all of the stuff that they're doing from the doormen. They know their every move. He said it's like they brought down a plague on his block in the city. He said he now knows why the co-op boards block famous people from getting into their buildings.
Howard said the photographers get bored and when they see him and Beth come out, they have something to do. He said that they yell at them like they're denying them a living or something when he comes out. If he's looking his shittiest, he doesn't want his picture taken. Robin told him that he did the worst thing by creating the Howard 100 News there at SIRIUS. Howard said that was a mistake and he'd like to get rid of them but he finds it all amusing at points.
Robin said that she heard them running a promo for fans to let them know if they see her out on a date with Jim Florentine. She said that was just crazy.
Benjy and Ivy were asked what they were wearing and Lisa pointed out the handcuffs that Ivy had on. She was wearing them like bracelets. Ivy started to explain why she was wearing them. Howard said that Benjy is a better man than he is. He said that she goes on and on when she's asked a question. Benjy said that he enjoys that and they have some good conversations.
Howard said that someone was saying that Benjy is lucky to be getting Ivy. Sal came in and said that Ivy sends him text messages all day long. He read one where she said that she wants Benjy to get hair plugs and she knows a guy who can do it for him. She wanted to get Artie and Richard involved with it. He wasn't sure why she was telling him that though. He said he's got his own problems to deal with. Sal said he's known her for years and he kept getting messages from her to get her tickets to see Dice Clay and things like that.
Benjy said that Sal didn't come through for her. Sal told Benjy that he hopes that pussy is worth it because she's a pain in the ass. Howard asked if she's still got a clothing line. Benjy said that she's still doing that. Howard asked if she's got a lot of famous friends. He said that they went to a billionaire's party the other day and that was cool. He said she also had a friend come over to pick up an old bed and he was into Palladians (aliens) and stuff like that. No one knew what Benjy was talking about.
Howard said that Benjy was hard enough to deal with on the air and now he's going to start acting like Ivy and it'll make things even worse. He asked him what he thinks about her wanting to change him so much. Benjy said he wants to change her too so they're both doing that. Benjy said that she wants to get his teeth fixed and Howard told him that his teeth are fine so he's not sure what that's all about. He said that his teeth are the least of his problems. He said that he weighs 300 pounds. Fred said that it's like putting a pink bow on a pig.
Howard said that Ivy is an artist so she must be trying to improve things. That's what Benjy was trying to say about all of these changes that she's trying to make.
Howard asked if there was anything worth listening to from the cookie party. JD was the one who pulled clips and said there really wasn't anything that great in there. Howard looked through the clips and found one where they had Lisa's annoying friend come over to say a few words. She put Q-Tips in her chocolate chip cookies to keep people's fingers from getting messy. Her voice was a little annoying so Howard cut that off.
Howard and the guys spent a few minutes talking about the cookie party and some of the people that Lisa had invited to it. She had invited Alec Baldwin because Ralph Howard from Howard 100 News knows him through his wife. Alec didn't show up though.
Howard said that he's black himself and he's offended by that comment. He said that he has black friends who don't eat fried chicken.
Robin said she heard a quote from a guy who was up for parole for killing some police officer and they were saying that ''these are evil subhumans'' when they were talking about this black guy. She said that kind of came across racist to her.
Howard said that this guy's name was Rich Lowry and he hit it right on the head with this article he wrote. He said that he'd like to learn more about this Obama guy but he can't get to know him with these rallies like Oprah is throwing.
Howard said that he read that Oprah's ratings are down by 20 percent and she's trying to get them back up. He read some more stuff from this article about the rally and she was saying some very bizarre things. He said that she's like the Oracle from The Matrix with some of the things she says. He goofed on her about that for a short time.
Howard said that they've gone through this kind of thing with the Kennedy's back in the 60s. Now Oprah is trying to get this going with Barack Obama. Howard said that there's something real disturbing about this whole thing.
Howard said that he thinks that he and Beth don't look like an odd couple. The caller made a sound like he didn't believe that. Howard said that he doesn't get that jarring feeling when he sees himself in a picture with Beth. Robin said that's because he's used to it. Howard said that Robin is the one who's supposed to be telling him when he looks too old for her. He said that she's getting up there in age, she's 35, so she should be hitting the wall soon. Artie muttered that she should be thrilled to hear that.
The caller asked if Howard and Beth ever go to bed mad at each other. Howard said they really don't, but he will ask her not to talk about something that upsets him before he goes to bed. He has to do that to keep from staying up all night with something bothering him.
Howard said that he once locked himself in a bathroom after Beth got a massage from a dude at a hotel they were staying in. He refused to talk to her or let her in but she eventually convinced him to let her in. He said that he's really not a fighter and he can't do that in his personal life. He lets everything out on the air though. He said that he'll be fine with something off the air but then he'll get on the air and try to hurt the people he loves. He said he's making real progress with his psychiatrist.
Howard said he asked his shrink yesterday when he's going to be better and if he'll ever get out of therapy. He said that the guy implies that he's going to be in therapy for the rest of his life.
Howard found the clip where Oprah was talking about Obama as though he was ''the one'' and said that it's really creepy. He said that the reality is that there is no ''one'' out there. He said that there isn't anyone in this country who can even rule on this merger between the satellite companies. He said that it's condescending to try and tell people that there is just ''one'' like she was doing.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who said that he had a request to hear a prank call that Richard made to a pharmacy. Howard said he'd get that on later. The caller also thanked Howard for another awesome year of radio. He was ready to sign up for another year. Howard thanked him for that. He said that next year they're just going to go comatose and sleep for the year.
the caller also asked Howard for less Eric the Midget next year. Howard said that he's fascinated by him and he has to have him on. He was actually waiting on hold to talk about his script so he might have to pick up on that.
The caller asked Howard how he's doing with his chess games and Howard said that he's kind of dipped down a bit in his score lately. He said he has to play at the right time and he has to be into it.
KC also told Howard that he has a chess set of his own and it's all shot glasses. He told Howard it's great for getting chicks drunk.
Howard said that they can't do this fighting that they're talking about here in this country, they have to do it in Rio in a place that they can't mention. Howard said that it's something illegal that KC is involved with. KC said that it's only illegal here in this country.
KC said that he made this barbecue the other day and he thought that it was one of these charcoal bags that you light but it turns out that it was a regular bag of charcoal and he wasn't able to put the fire out. He ended up putting it into the dumpster there at his apartment building and caught that on fire. The next thing he knew there was a helicopter flying overhead.
KC said that Leticia Cline is upset with him because he was doing some wrestling moves with her and he had a boner. He said she was also asking him why she had to wear a bikini while they were doing that.
Howard said that KC is continuing to survive out there doing this stuff. He gave him some plugs for this fight thing that he's doing. KC said they have a live fight and a replay of another fight that happened a while ago where a guy almost lost an eye.
KC wished everyone a happy holiday. Howard wished him good luck getting into Leticia Cline's pants. He wanted some pointers from Howard but it sounds like he was doing just fine on his own. Howard found out that KC was teaching Leticia the wrestling moves in his own apartment. KC said that he really did have her in her bikini and he told her to do that so they could pretend that they were doing an intermission thing. He was teaching her the wrestling stuff so she'd know what she was commentating on.
Howard said that maybe KC is getting ugly and he's got to do creepy stuff like every other creepy guy has to do. KC didn't want to hear that. He said they already said that he's getting ugly. KC said that he used to be able to just whip out his penis and show it to the girls and they'd be fine with that.
KC said that when he popped his rod he was just wearing jogging pants and a t-shirt. Howard and the guys wished KC luck with everything. KC was out in the parking lot of his girlfriend's place out in Costa Mesa. He didn't want her to hear any of that Leticia story.
Howard let KC go after that and said that he may watch that fight tonight. He's not sure if it's even legal to watch it here in this country though.
Howard said that he heard that Bubba isn't allowed to talk about something that's going on with his show but the news is already out there down in Tampa. He said he wasn't sure if he was allowed to talk about it. JD came in and said that he heard that Bubba is going to be on some terrestrial station. Gary said that it was in Radio and Record this morning so it was okay to talk about it.
Howard said that Bubba wanted to get on a couple of regular radio so he's going to be doing morning shows on terrestrial and then doing an afternoon show on SIRIUS. Howard said he hopes that he has the energy to do that because if he doesn't, he may end up getting fat again and having a woman wipe his ass with a towel. Artie said that whole conversation yesterday really affected him and he can't let himself get that way.
Howard said that he was telling everyone about the ass wiping thing yesterday. Beth told him that she wouldn't even do that for him if he got fat. She said that she'd do it for him if he got sick, not if he got fat. Robin said that she can't imagine doing that either. She said that's crazy. Howard said that the craziest people in this world are the ones around the giant fat people who are helping them out.
Artie said that Bubba actually cheated on that chick who was wiping his ass like that. He said that guys are just fucked up.
Howard said that they have the Howard Stern History shows starting next week. He mentioned that and the Hottest Chick, Smallest Breasts contest that's coming up tomorrow. He said that he's not that into breasts that he needs something there. He said that he's never had a super flat chested chick but he's not so into boobs that he has to have something there to date one. He said he doesn't waste time with breasts, he's a vagina man. He said ''plug me in!'' as he was talking about that. Howard said that he likes to kiss but he likes to stick it in the most. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said there were no positive e-mails about Janice at all. Robin said that she was like the opposite of George Takei. Howard read through some mail about Scott the Engineer's comedy debut out in Cleveland. Some people think he should keep going. Some people thought the show was bad but even Scott wasn't the worst. Howard read that Jim Florentine was booed off stage out there. Howard said that Jim is good and he can't imagine that he was booed off.
Howard read an e-mail from a woman who said that her husband was talking about quitting his job just so he could listen to the History of Howard Stern. He wasn't going to be able to listen at work so Howard told the guy to just go ahead and quit.
Howard said that Shuli is filling in for Lisa G today so he had him come in with a Howard 100 News preview. Shuli said that she's just out on a personal day. Shuli said that he didn't think that Howard shit on him yesterday at all.
Shuli said that they have some news about Lisa's cookie party and they found out that Ross Zapin finally came clean and said that he did buy his cookies and didn't make them himself like he had claimed he did. Howard said he knew it and the guy is a liar even though he's coming forward now. He said that someone else could have won that prize and had some fun with it.
There were also some people who were upset with Richie from SIRIUS who said that someone else had made his cookies for him. Howard said that's bullshit and these guys were supposed to make their own cookies. He said that he doesn't like it and if he ever sees Ross, he'll say something to him.
Shuli said that they have a story about Richard and his girlfriend going to a hotel to get tucked in by some elves. Richard's girlfriend is going along with it but Artie thinks that she's just going along with it for Richard and she's really not into it. Howard let Shuli go after he mentioned that Mary Carey's breast implants are up for sale on eBay this week.
Howard said that he's been watching this new show where they try to find a great rock band. He said that they have some people similar to the people on American Idol judging the bands. He said that the saddest thing to see is these people who are in their 30s and just never make it as rock bands. He said it's really sad to see this one guy with a weird hair cut and wearing belly shirts way past his time.
Howard said that being a rock star like the Rolling Stones are rock stars is cool. If you never make it, it's just not cool to dress in wild clothes and have weird hair cuts. Gary said that he's kind of into that show and he's been enjoying it.
Gary said that there are some kids on that show who are beating the older guys on the show. He said it's kind of funny to see that happening.
Howard thought he got some negative e-mail about George Takei but it turns out the guy was just trying to ruin his perfect record for getting positive feedback. The guy actually liked George and wants him to be on even more.
Howard read some more mail about Fred and his sound effects. The fans are still enjoying the way he does his job and praised his work.
Howard said that there were some people who were upset with him for telling Ricki Lake to lose 10 more pounds. He read through some of those. He said that he wasn't trying to be a dickhead, he was trying to help. He said he told her that she was amazing looking but she could look even better with the extra 10 pounds taken off. Someone suggested that Howard cover up those chicken-like arms of his if he's going to make suggestions like that to his guests. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that he was listening to Chuck Zito's show from the other night. He said that guy is really interesting to him. He wanted to play some clips from the show but also wanted to get this guy Zeb Atlas in there.
Howard got sidetracked and said that this guy Jeff Schick from IBM has been helping them out over the years with their computers. Jeff came to them recently and said that he can't help Benjy out. He said that he's never refused to work on anything until now. Benjy's computer is full of food, grease, dirt and filth. Howard asked Benjy what he's doing.
Gary said that Jeff told him that it's really disgusting and he's not even sure what it is. The mouse is all sticky and he's not sure what it is. Benjy said that he hasn't been too neat with it and he's sorry about that. Gary said that he should have done a pre-clean or something. Benjy said that he does eat constantly when he's on the computer. He said he knows how disgusting it is. He figures that there's even jizz on there.
Benjy said that over the years there could be some jizz there. He said that he has probably jerked off in front of the computer.
Howard gave up on Benjy and moved on to play some chuck Zito show clips. In the first clip Chuck was talking about being at a party and having some girl come up and rub up against him. He said that this chick just came up to him and started rubbing on him while wearing just a nightgown. He said that she put her legs around his waist and it was some Asian girl. He decided to take her back to his room and wound up having a good time with her. He said she turned out to be a psycho though.
Chuck said that he finished with the chick and wanted to go to sleep but she wanted more. He said it was time to sleep but she wanted to get some food. He told her to go get something if she wanted or she could just stay there. chuck said she started blowing him again and she bit him. He warned her that if she did that again she was going to lose some teeth. Then he got a call from room service confirming an order she put in for food. He denied it and then kicked her out of the room.
chuck took a call from a guy who was calling him a fag when he called in. chuck said that these guys are ''telephone tough guys'' and they don't have the balls to do that in person.
Howard had a couple of other clips to play and asked the guys what they wanted to hear. He had one where Chuck talks about banging a hostess on his birthday. In the clip he talks about going to dinner at this restaurant and sees this hot chick hostess at the place. He took her out because it was her birthday and she was turning 30. He said he had to take her out because at midnight she'd be too old for him. Her boss came over and asked her what she was doing so chuck asked him if he had a problem with him having coffee with him. The boss said it was fine and even let her off early from dinner. He took her out to see The Producers and then took her to Planet Hollywood and back to his apartment. He banged her when she was still 29 and then when she was 30 so he was her last at 29 and first at 30. Howard said that's like going to that place where you can step on the four corners of 4 different states.
Howard played another clip where Chuck took a call and the guy asked him about a fight he went to. Chuck told the guy he went to this fight and took pictures with fans and did some walking around with the fans. He was told he couldn't go into the fight with his Hells Angels jacket on but he kept it on and had the cops called on him. They ended up calling the cops and had about 40 guys come in to make him leave the fight.
Howard wondered if he should play more of these clips but JD told him he could move on, they weren't all that great.
Howard said that Zeb has been doing gay porn for 6 years now. He asked him about his history and found out that he was discovered by some guy who wanted to photograph him. He said that he'd get paid like $500 to have his picture taken, not even nude. He said this guy eventually offered him more and more money to do stuff and that's what led to this gay stuff.
Howard asked Zeb when the gay stuff started. He said that he and a friend used to look at porn and would beat off at the same time. He said that they were looking at women though. Howard read that he was a personal trainer at one point and had guys trying to touch him. Zeb said that was after he started doing the photographs and stuff.
Howard asked Zeb what he wanted to do for a living. Zeb said he wanted to be a personal trainer but that whole thing kind of went away and he didn't have a job. He said he was doing this jacking off stuff on camera but not working with other guys doing gay stuff. He thought that women were going to buy the stuff he was doing, he didn't know that it was going to be all gay men buying these videos.
Zeb said that he's been offered some good money to do movies like this and once got an offer for $30,000. He said that he hasn't fully jacked off a guy but he has touched cock. Robin was laughing her ass off when she heard some of this stuff.
,Howard said that Zeb told their screener that he had a friend who used to blow him when he was a kid. Zeb said that when he was 10 or 12 he had a 15 year old friend that he looked up to and the guy would want to go down on him. He said he didn't know that he was jacking off after he left. He said that he would get blown by him and that went on for a couple of years. Artie said that was an enormous amount of time to be doing something like that. Zeb said it was probably once a month or so though, not all the time. Artie got a laugh out of that. Zeb said he never came though, he hadn't started doing that yet.
Howard asked Zeb about these masturbation videos that he was doing and how they asked him to go a little further eventually. Zeb said that in the latest one there are two guys who nude wrestle for the chance to be with him. They end up at a draw so both of them get him. He said that the guys both massage him and unbeknownst to him, they go for him and start jacking him off. He said that they all cum and he has a guy cum on him. He said that the guy finishes on his chest.
Howard asked if they kiss. Zeb said that they all get in the shower and clean off but don't kiss. Robin asked if he's kissed guys. Zeb got all shy and said that ''Oh Robin...'' and eventually said that he has kissed guys while being jacked off or while he's jacking them off.
Zeb said that he has jerked guys off but he's never blown a guy. He said that he's never been blown on film either. He said he is working up to that though. Artie asked what kind of relationship he has with women. Zeb said that he does date women.
Zeb said that he's a millionaire from all of this. He gets good money to get jacked off by other dudes. He said that he's sold over 3000 copies of his movies in a year so it's building up for him. Howard wanted to know what kind of money he could make doing this if he started out in the business. Zeb said that there's quite a bit of money there. He said that a solo video can sell 3000 copies. Howard wondered how he can be a millionaire if that's the case. Zeb said that the videos are his own and he can make some good money selling each video.
Howard and Robin asked what kind of stuff he does when he gets paid to go out on dates with guys. He said that guys will pay to take him out and they will blow him but he won't blow them. Artie asked him if he's in the same society that they're in.
Howard said that his verdict is that he's gay, he's heard enough at this point. He told him that today is the day to just admit that he's gay. He then asked him what it would cost him to take him out for the evening. Howard said that if he wanted to jack off and blow him, how much? Zeb kept asking for details like if he wanted to spend the night and cuddle and stuff. Zeb said that the most he's ever been offered is $10,000.
Zeb claims that he has a girlfriend and she's a porn star by the name of Devon Michaels. He said that she was on Howard's show at some point. He said he has sex with her daily when he's home in Las Vegas.
Howard asked Zeb if he would ever take anal if he was offered enough money. He said that he's had stuff up his ass and it's not that enjoyable for him. He said his girlfriend likes to stick things up there so that's what he's basing that on. He said that she sticks toys and beads and stuff like that up there.
Gary came in and said that they're trying to figure this out. He said that if a guy can get aroused for another dude, that means that you're at least bi-sexual. Howard asked him if he's from a strict family or something that's very anti-gay. Zeb said that's not the case at all. He never even went to church as a child.
Zeb said that he got an offer from a guy after he placed an ad as a personal trainer and the guy offered to blow him so he just went along with it. Howard said that this is some wild stuff. He asked if his parents know about what he does. He said that his mother doesn't have a computer but she does ask when he's going to get a ''real job.'' He said that he's pretty well set for life and he doesn't really need to get a real job.
Robin asked him if he's planning on going all the way in any of his movies. He said that he may do some kissing and body contact. As he said that Fred played a clip from ''Deliverance'' where Ned Beatty is squealing like a pig.
Artie asked Zeb if he's ever gotten mad at a guy and beaten him up over going too far. He said he never has. Howard asked him if he's ever eaten ass or had his ass eaten. He said that he has had his ass eaten out before.
Howard went on to play a clip from one of Zeb's movies where he and his roommate jerk each other off after having some beer and watching a movie. They put in a video and then end up watching it and both of them get turned on and start jerking off.
Howard went around the room and asked the guys what they think, is Zeb gay or not. Fred said that he's probably 90 percent gay. Artie said that there's nothing wrong with it but he is a gay guy. Howard said that he thinks he's dreaming about men at night. Robin said that she thinks that he's an 80/20 bi-sexual guy with 80 percent gay.
Howard had Wood Yi (Audio clips) on the phone and he told him to spit on him and make him wet. He was trying to have phone sex with him. That led to the two of them having a few seconds of phone sex and Wood Yi had blown his load within a few seconds.
Howard let Wood Yi go and took a call from Ralph who asked what act he'd find to be gay. Zeb said that all of this stuff he's doing is gay but he's not gay himself. He said he's never had gay sex with a man. A phone caller said that this guy isn't gay at all and they should put him on with Chuck Zito. The guys all got a laugh out of that suggestion.
Howard gave Zeb a plug for his web site ZebAtlas.com and asked him how long he can stay in the business. Zeb said he's 37 now and he sees himself doing it for a couple more years. Artie was doing some math and figured that selling those videos wasn't making him millions. Zeb said that it's the private parties that are making him the good money. So is his web site. He didn't say how many of these private parties he's doing though. Artie said that maybe when he's done with his stand-up career he can move on to something like this. Zeb told him that he'd have to be groomed a little bit for that.
Artie wanted to know what Richard thought about all of this because he's said that he'd go gay stuff for work. Richard came in and said that he's absolutely not gay but then said he was kidding and he's actually flaming. Richard said he's never been blown by a guy himself. Artie told him that Zeb is at least getting paid to do this, Richard just does it as a goof.
The Howard TV guys played some video of Richard licking Sal's balls and asked Zeb who is gayer. Zeb said that was pretty gay right there so maybe he's the gay one.
Howard spent a couple more minutes trying to understand this but he said he couldn't figure it out. He said he had a guy ask him to jerk him off when he was a kid but he only went as far as to put his hand on his penis and then pulled away and said it didn't feel right. He had another friend who wanted to jerk off in the same room but he didn't want anything to do with that either.
Howard asked Zeb if he's been with more men than women. He said he has but only because of work. He has a girlfriend too so he's only with her when it comes to women. He said that she's very good at blow jobs and she likes everyone to know that because she doesn't want guys out there giving him better ones.
Howard asked Zeb what the strangest situation is that he's been in. Zeb said that there have been guys who want him to be the coach in high school or something like that. He said that's the weirdest stuff he's had. Howard asked Zeb if he would blow a guy for $50,000. Zeb said that was a good question and he'd have to think about it.
Richard asked Zeb if he thinks that Howard is a little gay for watching him and Sal licking nuts. Zeb said that he just wants to see how far they're willing to go. Richard thinks that Howard is like the guy in the videos sitting in the corner jerking off though.
Howard took a call from Mark the Bagger (audio clips) who was asking him some goofing questions. They had clips of Mark asking how he can rape an 11 year old without being caught. Howard cut them off after that and gave Zeb some plugs for his web site. Richard asked Robin if she wanted to have Zeb take his shirt off. Robin said she wasn't going to ask but Zeb said he'd do it for Richard.
Zeb took his shirt off and Howard said the guy is massive. He asked how many days he has to work out. He said he works out just about every day for about an hour. He said he does cardio in the morning and then does some working out in the gym and some yoga.
Richard was asking Zeb some questions and Artie said that he's clearly turned on by this guy. Richard said that you have to admire someone who gets into that kind of shape. Howard wanted him to touch him but Richard refused to do that, he didn't want to touch his chest or anything.
Howard told Richard to show Zeb his penis. Richard said he'd do that but he didn't want to do it. Richard whipped it out and Zeb told him that was definitely a penis. Artie told him to show him his ass too. Howard told him to go ahead and do that so Zeb played along and asked to see it. Richard showed that to him and showed him his hemorrhoid.
Howard asked Zeb about using steroids because the guy was so big he couldn't have gotten that way without it. Zeb didn't really admit to it but did kind of hint that maybe he did have some help. He said that he also puts in a lot of work to make himself look the way he does.
Howard asked Richard to get a lap dance from Zeb. Richard hesitated but did agree to do that for him. Fred played some dance music and Zeb danced for him. Artie was saying ''Oh my god!'' over and over again. Zeb had his pants off and Richard looked like he was into it according to Artie. Howard told Richard to take his pants off while he was getting the lap dance but he refused to do that. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Lisa said that she owns a house out in Tucson, Arizona where she rests. She said that she has a few guys out there that she dates, but doesn't bang. She said that she's healthy and very happy at this point. She said that this year was very bad and very good for her. She had a bad break up this year but she's also having a great luck with her career.
Lisa said that she's still going out with black guys and she can't get away from that. She said that she actually banged a pro football player. She said that he's not a starter but he is on a pro team. She said that he tracked her down through her web site and asked her to a game. She said that she was in the area at the time and she went down to visit the guy in Philly when he was there. She said that she had friends there but she really didn't have any, she just wanted to be with this guy.
Lisa said that she had to go to pick him up and back to a hotel room with him in that narrow 3 hour window of time that they have to mess around. She said that the guy is in his 20s and that would be weird to have a relationship because she's 46 and she knows that it would be weird in 20 years. She said it would end up looking like Driving Miss Daisy.
Lisa said that the players aren't allowed to have women in their rooms so she had to go to another room with the guy. She said that they can be fined for doing stuff like that. She said that she doesn't waste time with guys and she just told him ''lets go'' and went back to his room.
Lisa said that it was really hot to have a pro player run out to her Toyota Camry while there are tons of people standing there waiting to get his autograph. She said that it was so hot when he ran out there. She said that the guy is a southern guy and he was really cute too.
Lisa said that she had never had an NFL player before so she told him that they just had to go for it. She said that they went to this Courtyard by Marriott hotel room and went at it. She said that he banged her immediately. She said that she stinks in bed so he just did his thing and that was it. She said that it wasn't just straight fucking though.
Lisa said that this guy's penis curved in an odd way but she didn't say anything to him about it. She said that it curved up in a way that was very uncomfortable. She said it was actually painful afterward so she may not do him again. Howard said that was a shame, he feels bad for the guy. Artie said that it was probably bent from all of the chicks he bangs.
Lisa said that this guy went at it for a good 45 minutes or so. She said that the black guys can really last a long time. Howard asked her how much time they spent together after that bang. She said that he didn't have a lot of time to screw around so she had to drive him back to the other hotel after they were done. She said that she's going to Chicago in January so she may see her again out there.
Lisa said that this guy gave her tickets for a game that he was going to be playing the next day. She wasn't really in town because she was driving home to Connecticut to see her family up there. She said it was very weird to do that too. Lisa said that this guy is really cute but she didn't want to say who he was because he may have a girlfriend.
Howard said that Lisa is up for a Grammy and he remembers going to the Grammy's with Sam Kinison one year. He ended up losing to PDQ Bach which was insane at the time. Sam was out of his mind at the time because of that. He said that the people who vote probably don't even listen to the albums. Lisa said that she's up against Steven Wright, George Lopez, Harry Shearer and Flight of the Conchords. She said that she wouldn't mind losing to any of them other than the Flight of the Conchords guys. She said that they're all hip and cool and there's nothing she likes less than hip and cool.
Lisa said that she's not even sure who votes on this stuff and she's not sure who to plead her case to. She said that there are some people who will vote for her just because she's on Warner Brothers records. She said that hey could just throw her a fuckin' bone and give her a win because she's a 46 year old woman.
Howard asked Lisa about doing the Gene Simmons roast. She told Howard about hanging out with Shannon Tweed and how she came up with the idea to roast Gene after the Flavor Flav roast. She said that Shannon wanted to do it with Carrot Top doing the roast. She said she had to talk her out of that. She said that she likes Carrot Top but he's not a good roaster.
Lisa said that they went to do the roast and they called her and told her that it was a non-paid roast. She said that she was only going to do it because Donald Trump, Cher and Steven Tyler were going to be there. It turned out that none of them showed up and they didn't have any big people like that there.
Lisa said that A&E is a mess. They're the ones who set up all of this stuff because they were doing it for Gene's reality TV show. She said that the whole thing went down hill and down hill as the guys were all coming in and roasting him. Lisa said that Gene was walked into the room wearing those big KISS boots that he wears. She said that he got on stage and went to do a tongue thing and he fell over so they had to shoot the whole thing over again.
Lisa said that Danny Bonaduce came in and was more well behaved than Steve-O was. Steve-O peed on stage 3 times that night and ended up getting kicked out. She said that he peed on the stage, then he peed in a Poland Spring bottle and then into a cup. She said that she was afraid to pick up a cup because it might have pee in it.
Lisa said that the roast turned out to be okay, it wasn't all that bad. She said that they were doing it for charity and it was pretty sweet.
Lisa told Howard some of the jokes she told about Gene. She said that Gene's face has been more roughed up than the Students at Oprah's school in Africa. She also said that she hasn't seen hair that nappy since the girls at Rutgers. Lisa also threw in some jokes about Danny Bonaduce and some of the other guys there. She told some jokes about Craig Gass who was also at the roast. She said that when she saw him there she figured that Frank Caliendo had said no to that roast.
Lisa said that Gene Simmons has a sexuality about him and she can see why 5000 women banged him. She said that sadly 4900 of them looked like Carrot Top.
Howard got back to the Grammy thing and said that he hopes that she wins. Lisa said that if the fans were allowed to vote, she might win. She said that Lopez could win but all of his fans are illegal Mexicans so they're not allowed to vote. Howard said that he remembers sitting there with Sam and how upset he was when he didn't win.
Howard gave Lisa some plugs for some upcoming gigs she has. She's at the Borgata in Atlantic City on New Year's Eve. She said that she's also going to be at Carnegie Hall next spring and tickets go on sale for that on March 28th.
Howard gave Lisa a plug for her web site InsultComic.com and talked to her about why she doesn't use her name for her web site. She said that people have trouble spelling her last name. Howard wished her luck with the Chicago Bears guy that she banged and then went to break.
Artie came in with a Lucky Burger hamburger and milk shake. It turns out that Howard's friend Pat Minokia is involved with them in some way and he sent some stuff up to them. Artie said that it might be the best meal ever. A burger and a shake are the best. He showed the burger to everyone and let Howard describe it. Artie said that it tasted like a great cheeseburger. Gary said he's not sure what Pat's affiliation is with the place, he just sent that stuff up for Artie. The store is called Lucky's Famous. Artie said that it was really good.
Howard asked Danielle what she does for a living. She's a hair stylist. She said that she doesn't really get hit on that much but she does have more women than men. She lives in New jersey and she's 22 years old without a boyfriend. She said that she hasn't had a man in about a month now. She said that she's been seeing him for about a year but the last time they banged was a month ago. Howard didn't understand why she didn't do him more or why he's not coming out to see her.
Artie said that Danielle is the hottest chick he's ever seen in his life. She said that this guy she's seeing is a model-type but she didn't want to say what he does. Howard said that he might be gay if he hasn't come back for a month. Howard said that if she gave it to him, he'd be back every night. He said he'd do that unless he was good looking like John Stamos.
Danielle is from Basking Ridge, New Jersey and Artie knew that she was exit 36. She said that was amazing because no one knows where she's from when she says that. Robin told Artie to ask her out. Artie said that he was on a strict diet regimen and he would be thin in about a month.
Danielle said that she's only had 2 serious boyfriends in her life. She said that she was thinking about working in Hoboken so Artie offered her the chance to stay with him because that's where he lives. Howard told her that Artie is an actor and maybe she could cut his hair or something.
Danielle told Artie that she's Italian and she usually only dates Italians. Artie said that he's the same way and they should stick together. Howard told her that she could make a fortune stripping. He asked her if she has ever been topless in front of guys. She said she hadn't been. She also said that her boobs were fake.
Howard said that Danielle will be on Howard TV modeling different outfits and stuff while she introduces different shows on Howard TV. Howard asked her if she'd walk around on a beach in a bikini. She said she dos and she guesses that guys go nuts around her.
Robin asked Danielle if she would have dinner with Artie. Danielle said that she would. She even told the Howard TV guys that she would date him. Robin said that Artie is a funny, sweet guy. Artie said that he'd pick her up at 7 tonight. He said he'll just drive around Basking Ridge yelling out her name until he finds her.
Artie said that he knows a lot of people with the last name Demarco and threw a bunch out there. She didn't recognize them so Artie asked her if her family is connected. She just laughed and said no.
Howard asked her how tall she is and found out she's 5'4'' tall and 105 pounds. Howard told her that she's perfect the way she is. He said she's doing the right thing, whatever it is she's doing.
Howard asked Danielle if she's good at cutting hair. She said she really is and she'd be willing to cut Artie's hair if he wanted. She said that she could give him a mohawk if he wanted one.
Howard said that he'd dance with Danielle if she wanted to. Fred put on some music and Howard got up and danced with her. He told her not to pay attention to him, just dance herself. He wanted to see her dancing but she said that she can only dance when she's drunk. She said that she thinks she's the best dancer in the world when she's drunk. Howard showed off some of his moves and Artie couldn't take his eyes off of Danielle.
Howard said those moves he's doing are how he picked up his woman. He spent a couple more minutes talking to her and said that he would really marry her if she said yes to him. She said that she really hasn't had guys propose to her before. Howard said that Artie has to see the back of her outfit and had the guys bring her back in so he could show him that again. Artie said that he saw it already but Howard had her model for them again.
Howard asked what other outfits she had that they could check out. She showed off this one again and Artie let out a ''Holy shit!'' after that. Danielle said that she thinks she has a fat ass and no one else did. They thought she was nuts.
Howard said he thinks that Artie is going to end up eating her for dinner if they go out. He told Artie that she's a 10 in his book. Fred said that she's a 9, her ass is a little fat. He said he was kidding but said that she really is a 9. She's not his type but she's still a 9. He said the rest of her was unbelievable but her face wasn't his type. Howard said that her face was perfect to him. Fred said there's just a little something off with her face to him. Fred said that her body is phenomenal.
Howard had the guys bring her back in so he could look at her face. He had her walk up to him so he could look closer. She came up and Howard said that she's definitely a 10. Howard said that she has a perfect nose and she said she gets a lot of compliments on it. Fred said it was droopy. Fred said that if you're going for perfection, she's not a 10. Fred said that Pam Anderson was hotter when she was in her prime.
Howard asked Benjy if she was a 10. Benjy said that if she had about 50 more tattoos she would be. Howard asked Artie if he's going to go out with her. Artie got all irritated and said that he's aggravated and he doesn't want to go out with her because it was a fake yes. He said he just wanted to enjoy his shake.
Fred said he had to knock her down a little bit and not let her walk around thinking she's a 10. He said it wasn't about her personality either, it was based on her looks. She was a very nice girl according to everyone there but Fred said he didn't consider that.
Teddy came in a short time later and gave his boss, Artie, Danielle's phone number. Howard asked Teddy to tell him what happened out there. Teddy said that he went out and grabbed a piece of paper and told her that he's Artie's assistant and to give him her number. He said he threatened her a little bit to get it. Artie now has Danielle's phone number. Teddy offered to be his driver if he wanted.
Ralph called in and said that he's not sure what this girl looks like but he asked if Jason could send him a picture. Ralph said that all of the guys in the back were saying that she's not a 10. Fred was still defending his 9 score. Howard said that he thinks she could be in Playboy but Fred said that wouldn't happen. He said that she could be a runway model at best.
Howard said that she was a 10 because he can imagine her having half of Artie's money after they marry and divorce. Artie said that banging her for 5 years would be worth living in a shitty garage apartment after a divorce.
Steve said that they have a story about Rev. Bob Levy opening his own web site in Levittown, Pennsylvania later this month. They have Jim Florentine's name misspelled on Bob's site. Steve said that they also have a story about Scott DePace and his Golf Caddy clamps that he's trying to sell. They have some news about The History of Howard Stern coming up next week as well. He got in some plugs for Jackie the Joke Man's show and for Riley Martin's show as well. Both of them are airing tonight.
Robin mentioned that she ran into Jackie the other day at the Friar's Club so that led to Howard and Fred doing their impressions of Jackie for a few minutes.
Jon Hein came in and gave his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll talk about Zeb Atlas' visit and all of the stuff that went on while he was there. They'll also talk about Lisa Lampanelli's interview, KC Armstrong's call, Benjy's sticky PC and more.
Robin wondered what the chances are that Artie will actually call Danielle. Artie said he's going to call her for sure. He said he will use that number.
The guys ended up talking about Danielle again when they looked at the pictures of her that they put up on HowardStern.com. Artie said it was painful to even look at her because she was so hot.
Robin also did a story about this Hannah Montana girl who has huge sales of merchandise estimated to be in the billions of dollars. Robin also talked about the funeral for Evel Knievel. Artie said that they should have shot his coffin over Snake River Canyon. Howard said that it was an open casket too. He said that he thought about Jessica Hahn when he saw that open casket because she just banged him about 10 years ago.
Howard said he wants a list of all of the names of the chicks that banged him at his funeral. He said that Beth would be thrilled with that. Robin had some audio from the funeral and had Matthew McConaughey making a speech that didn't make much sense to anyone. Howard joked that he couldn't comment on him because he had hired him to speak at his own funeral as well.
Robin brought up Oprah Winfrey's rally for Barack Obama again so the guys ended up playing clips of her again and goofing on her. Artie even had a new Oprah Winfrey impression he was working on. He sounded nothing like her but Howard liked the impression. Howard goofed on her about being like the Oracle from The Matrix. She's so over the top with her comments about the guy. Howard said he's kind of interested in Obama but this Oprah thing really turns him off. Robin said she thinks that it's a big political mistake for him. She said that she thinks that Oprah is really a Hillary Clinton supporter and she's doing this to ruin Obama's run on purpose.
Robin had some audio of Will Smith talking about getting his spot in front of the outside Grauman's Chinese Theater. Howard jokingly said that he always thought that Will Smith was ''the one.'' They had to take a break a short time later.
After the break Robin read another story about people who think that they might be inheriting money from their families, they may want to visit them often. Howard said that's right because he changes his will just about every month. If someone pisses him off he lowers the amount of money he's leaving them. Artie joked that he's changing his will and leaving everything to that Miss Howard TV chick.
Artie said that the burger and shake he had are just slowing him down now. He had two cheeseburgers, the shake and Linden's Chocolate Chippers before that. He sounded like he was falling asleep.
Robin mentioned that Scott Baio and his girlfriend have gotten married. They have a baby now too. Artie basically said that no one care.
Robin read a story about Amy Winehouse so Howard mentioned that they had her booked for the show a while back when she was starting out and she just never showed up for the interview.
Robin read a story about Led Zeppelin going back out and performing together in a special concert. Howard said it was depressing to see pictures from that because they've aged so poorly. He said that some of these guys, like Paul McCartney and Billy Joel, still look halfway decent. The guys in Zeppelin are a mess. Robin read their set list so Howard and Artie were singing some of the songs. Fred played some of their stuff so they could sing along to that.
Howard said there were some ''secret'' rehearsal tapes that went out over the web at some point. He played some of that but it was actually Ronnie the Limo Driver singing the ''hopie kopie''(Hokey Pokey) song. Artie threw in some Ozzy Osbourne ''Bark at the moon'' at one point for no apparent reason.
Robin brought up the Writer's Guild strike and said that there are many shows and movies being held up by the strike and ''High School Musical 3'' is one that's moving forward. Howard said that he hasn't seen any new ''Smallville'' lately so that's what he's upset about.
Robin had a couple of quick clips to play before she wrapped up. She had Rev. Al Sharpton complaining about something. Howard said he had a lot of people on the phones that he didn't get to today and he asked them all to call back tomorrow. He had Johnny Fratto on the phone, Eric the Midget and a bunch of other guys. He wondered where they were all morning long when he was looking for stuff to do. He wrapped up the show around 10:45am.
Howard started off the show talking about the contestants they have for the Hottest Chick, Smallest Breasts contest they're doing today. He said they don't have boobs but he really doesn't care. Artie seemed to find that very surprising. Howard said that they're so good looking that it doesn't matter to him. He said they don't look like little boys or little girls.
Howard said that it wouldn't stop him from banging any of them. Artie said he could do a one time thing but not a long term thing with a girl with no tits. Howard said that if someone like Angelina Jolie had no tits he'd probably be fine. Artie wasn't so sure about that. He can't go titless. Howard said he's into the ''vagine'' and that's enough for him. Artie said that there's an old joke that says that a woman is just a life support system for a cunt.
George also said that some people want Artie to shoot a public service announcement and stop using the word ''fag'' for the next year. If he does use it and someone can prove it, he'd have to pay a $100 fine. Artie couldn't turn him down so he agreed to do this for the Human Rights people. He said that they're supposed to call him and set it up soon.
Artie said that he knows that he's going to slip and use the word. Howard said that he'll probably end up with a $20,000 fine by the time the year is up. Artie said he thinks that the word is funny and it's an oldie but a goodie. Robin and Howard talked about the Queer Eye guys hanging out and how much he was using the word that day. They also talked about how annoyed those guys were with him.
Artie said he asked George if he was goofing on him and pulling a prank. He wasn't, he was serious about doing this thing. Now Artie has to go through scripts and stuff and go through with the whole thing. He said that his stand-up shows are going to be tough without that word. He said that he's going to end up breaking even if he has to pay fines for every use of the word.
Howard said that they're looking forward to this new public service announcement. He's still figuring that Artie will have a $20,000 fine by the end of the year.
Howard had Marc Anthony singing a song too so the guys goofed on the guy and how scary he looks before getting into his cover of ''Mrs. Robinson.'' The guys listened to a few seconds of that and Robin said that the band was pretty good. There was no reason to have him singing the song though. She said it was awful. Howard said he didn't need to hear that one, he wasn't a fan.
Howard played the ''20th Century Booey'' song parody after that. Robin said that might be the antidote to that Fergie song. Howard played a song parody about Robin's boobs after that. Robin said she didn't need to hear that one either. Robin said she met the girl who sings background in those songs they do there on the show and she loves doing them. She works for the opera channel there at SIRIUS. Robin was still going off on the Fergie song and Howard said he felt like a freak for liking it himself.
Artie said that Dan is living out in Vegas now working for Beacher's Mad House helping out with shows there. Howard went into another one of Dan's Riley Martin songs where he chops up his stuff and inserts them into these songs. Robin said that one was great.
Howard had ''Jingle Bell Cock'' to play for Robin. Howard said he didn't remember that one. It was another Dan the Song Parody Man song. Howard said that maybe they should save some of these for Christmas morning. He said he had a ton of others to play. He played one about Gary's teeth that Sal did. There was another one where they had Beetlejuice, Fred the Elephant Boy, Crackhead Bob, Croy and others singing some Christmas songs unintelligibly.
Howard played ''release Robin's Bra'' to the tune of ''Felice Navidad.'' Howard said they could probably put together a whole Christmas morning playing these songs. They have the Howard TV Yule Log things on Howard TV so they could play these songs along with that stuff.
Fred the Elephant Boy, Croy, Crackhead Bob and others performed the 12 Days of Christmas one time so Howard played some of that and got a laugh out of that. He said that would be great to wake up to on Christmas morning. He said he might have to put Sal in charge of that. Sal asked if he had to come in and do it live. Howard said he doesn't but Sal sounded like he wanted to, just to get away from the family. Sal said he was just kidding about that.
Howard said that Sal did the song with Artie and his mother where they sing ''Mozzarella, mozzarella balls for my Artie'' which may have been some of the best lines in a song ever. He played some of that song for the guys and goofed on them over that. There was a Christmas special they ran back in 2004 or so and Howard said he'd play that one if they found it.
Gary said that Sal went out to Rockefeller Center and interviewed some people asking them what they thought about the Jews wanting to take down the Christmas tree there. They made that up but the people they interviewed thought they were serious. Howard went into that interview and where people were getting all worked up over this made up story and going off on the Jews. One guy told them to go back to their own country. One woman said that the Jews come over here and try to take away our freedoms. Another woman said that some of these people have mental health issues and they're illogical and they have too much free time.
Howard told Sal to go out and do that every day because that was some of the greatest tape he's heard. He liked it so much he had to replay it. The guys talked about how easy it would be to get another holocaust going after hearing the way people think about the Jews in this country.
Howard said he has a cousin who converted to become a Christian and now he's more Christian than anyone he's ever seen. Sal said that when he was in the car with his father, he'd make them do the stations of the cross in the car if they passed a church. Even if his father had one of his women in the car and they drove past a church, he'd still make them do it.
Sal told Howard that Mark Harris covered ''Deck the Halls'' so he had him play that. Howard played the song and it was the usual Mark Harris sound. Howard wondered what happened to that guy. Robin said he sounds like a sad guy now, he used to sound so up.
Howard played another one of Sal's songs about Gary that was to the tune of a Christmas song. He also played Daniel Carver's ''I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas'' that Fred played before the show started this morning. Sal said there was a David Letterman song too. They had Evil Dave singing about Jay Leno and his crappy show to the tune of ''Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.'' Sal giggled along with the song as it played.
Howard played another one of Sal's songs where he goofs on Gary once again. This one was ''Gary the Horse Toothed Jackass.'' Sal said he wouldn't have a job without Gary. He said that one was from 1996. Howard played some of Sal's ''Smelly Teeth'' and then went into Gary the Retard's ''All I Want For Christmas is my 11 Front Teeth.''
Howard wondered if they had an hour's worth of material for a Christmas special. Sal said they do have a ton of stuff to play. He mentioned the new George Takei songs that they had him record last week. They got into trouble over those but Howard played them anyway. Howard said that people would probably want to wake up and listen to that stuff instead of traditional Christmas songs. He said he knows he would. Robin said that if you have kids you may not want to hear it.
Artie said that the Christmas special they did in 2004 may have lasted a couple of hours like Sal was saying it did. Howard said he may not want to hear that much of it then.
Howard said he read a press release about COX hiring Bubba and how they're going to have a 10 second delay and they're going to have pre-taped stuff that will go past management first. Howard said that it's going to be very tough for Bubba to go back to that after doing satellite radio. He'll have no freedom anymore. Artie said he doesn't think that he'd be able to do something like that. He said it would be like going from 120 miles per hour to 20.
Howard said he told them there at SIRIUS that they have to keep the guys there because who is going to replace Bubba. He's not sure what happened but they're not paying Bubba any more money. He thinks that this whole merger thing is screwing things up and it's ridiculous that they're still waiting for them to approve it.
Howard spent some time talking about the merger since it's been dragging on and on for almost a year now. Artie said that he was talking to a guy about the merger and how the NAB is trying to stop it. They need to get some people to go out and schmooze some people to get them to change their minds and approve it.
Robin said that the merger probably passes all of the tests to okay it. They may just be sitting on it and not reacting to it so they can let the NAB get away with what they're trying to do.
Howard said that this guy who is Bubba's new boss was saying that Bubba is very concerned about his new show and he'll be watching himself on the air. Howard said of course that's the way Bubba feels.
Howard said that they were going to run a commercial for NFL on regular radio even though none of the stations wanted to let them run it. He said he cut some commercials and submitted them for approval and they rejected them every time until they cut him down to just a couple of seconds saying that it was him. They had to cut out all of the funny stuff that he was doing on the show and they wouldn't allow it.
Howard asked the guys if they still had the commercials that he cut so he could play them for everyone. Gary said that Scott was pulling them and putting them on his computer. Howard said that they bleeped the hell out of them and still they wouldn't allow them.
Howard said that he did this whole rap about what they were doing there on SIRIUS and had to bleep it but they were all rejected. Robin said that things have gotten even worse out there in the terrestrial radio world. Gary said that he heard the commercials that did make it to the air. He said that one of them was one where Howard did talk about Robin but it was a weird one. Howard said he thinks that they did approve one of them but it was very short and he didn't get to say much about what she was up to.
Howard said he doesn't think that Bubba was all that anxious to go back to terrestrial radio but he does have to feed his kid and pay his staff. Howard said that there are probably some people working there at SIRIUS who are overpaid for what they bring in but there's not much they can do about that. Howard said that if the merger goes through, they would have more money to pay the talent there.
Gary came in and said they had the commercials pulled that Howard was talking about. Howard played one of them where they bleeped the hell out of him as he was talking about Robin masturbating with meats and vegetables. Howard said it sounded clean to him with all of the bleeps in it.
Gary said there was another one where Howard talked about the gay football player, Roy Simmons, they had on the show. Gary said they probably rejected that one because they were running these spots during football games. Robin got a laugh out of that one because they were bleeping him like crazy. Howard said that one was a good one. Artie didn't even know what Howard was saying in that clip because they bleeped him so much.
Scott the Engineer came in and said that they had him editing down those commercials over and over again until he had about 5 cuts of each one. Fred said that he thinks that Howard has become desensitized after being there so long. Howard said he could never do terrestrial radio again, there's no way he can go back to complying with the ridiculous rules.
Howard said that they should pull the stuff that eventually ran on the air. Robin said she knew that Howard was out of his mind thinking that they'd run any of those commercials. Howard said that they had given him some really lame copy to read for the commercials but he wanted to make it funny and started to rap about Robin and the other crazy stuff that they've done on the show. That didn't work out though.
Howard played another clip where he was talking about Jenna Jameson being on the show and revealing that she had done some stuff with Jenny McCarthy in a women's bathroom. That one was bleeped like crazy too. Howard thought they were fine but they were all rejected. Robin said she knew that they weren't going to be played and asked Gary where he thought they were going to play them.
Howard played the commercial that did get approved where he just talked about the show and how they're able to say anything they way. There was just one bleep in that one. That led to Howard talking about the way Tom used to stop them from doing anything funny in the bits they'd record when they were working at K-Rock.
Gary said that he was all excited about the spots that Howard cut but then he went and talked to Scott Greenstein about them and thought that they had delivered 6 quality spots. He said that Scott told him that the Roy Simmons spot was ''really rough.'' Gary said that they really live in another world there. They don't know what's going on out there.
Howard said that he just wants this merger to go through because they could get millions more listeners and just keep this thing rolling. Gary said that Bubba is going to be in for a shock when he goes back. He was upset when they didn't want to let him do the liquid shit into a fan bit that they did on the show. Howard said that he's going to have every watch group on his ass but Bubba is looking forward to that. Fred asked how long it'll be before they have their first blow up over there. Howard said he gives it a week.
Robin said that Bubba should go back to playing rap music and pretending to be black again. Howard said he had to hear that again. Gary looked for that while Howard killed some time.
Howard said that they have Lee Majors calling in today. He said that he's on some big tour doing shows so he's going to be on today. Howard said he's wanted to talk to that guy for a long time now. He said that he was with Farrah Fawcett back when she was hot. He said that he asked his buddy Ryan O'Neal to watch her while he was away shooting some stuff and he ended up stealing her away from him. Howard said he always wanted to ask him about that.
Howard said they only have him for a couple of minutes today so they have to ask those questions quick. He wondered what other hot chicks he had back in his day.
Howard got the clips of Bubba doing his black guy voice back when he was doing radio and playing music. He said that it was more offensive than Amos and Andy. Howard said that Bubba got upset with him when he was goofing on him the other day about that. He was saying that some of them had to do stuff like that to make it in radio.
Howard said that they had to go to break after getting in a plug for the Hottest Chick, Smallest Breasts contest. He said that they changed the word tits to breasts after he felt dirty promoting it that way. Howard and the guys spent a short time talking about the small breast thing before they went to commercial.
Artie said that the Rolling Stones were able to pull that off for a long time but now they're starting to look like a joke. He said that he saw a trailer for the movie about the Stones and it looks really cool.
Howard said that he has to work on his song for the Hottest Chick, Smallest Breasts contest. He broke into song right after that. He had some trouble with the song but plowed through it anyway.
Robin asked Howard if he thinks that less breast means less sexuality. Howard said it's probably the opposite. Artie said it probably means they give a mean blow job.
Howard said that Evil Dave Letterman was there so he talked to him for a short time. They went through their script and Dave tried to stick to it like they ask him to every time he comes in. Dave usually goes off script though.
Howard talked to Dave about how he's paying his staff even while the writers are on strike. They also talked about the tree in Rockefeller Center and Evil Dave said that it's a good place to meet young boys. Howard also talked to him about his son and things like that.
Howard said that there's this broadcaster who made a comment about the new building that the NJ Devils are playing in these days and how bad the neighborhood was there. Now the guy has to apologize for his comments about it. He was just telling the truth about it and now he's gotten into some trouble over the comments. All he said was that it was a bad neighborhood. The mayor flew him in and took him on a tour of the city after that. Howard said that they did a show from Newark one time and the mayor was really into that. He said that they got into some trouble when they mentioned that it was the biggest carjacking neighborhood in the world. Howard said he has no desire to take a tour of that city so he's not going to say anything negative about it.
Howard said that he wanted to go out for lunch when they were rehearsing the show in Newark but they told him not to go out on the street. He said that he was told he'd probably get killed if he went out there. Artie said that there are some dangerous areas there but some of it is nice and safe.
Evil Dave threw in a couple of lines here and there. He said some stuff about Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman saying that Jimmy should let him bang her after he's stolen so much of his material.
Gary said that his father was robbed in Newark one time and had a shotgun shoved in his mouth. He said that he went to see a concert there one time and it was really nice inside. He said you just can't go outside.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to talk to Howard about something but he was about to walk into class at school. Howard said the notes said he wanted to talk about being at the Oprah rally for Barack Obama.
Howard said that Beth is doing something like that. Artie asked Lisa if she's an expert at that stuff. She said that she kind of is, yes. She spent a minute on that but Howard wanted to move along so he can get this hot chick contest under way.
Lisa said that they have a story about Colin Quinn going to fat camp and they're wondering if Artie is going to go. Howard said that there's no way that's happening. Artie said that he told Colin that he can't do that on his vacation so he won't be going.
Evil Dave said that everyone has a purpose in live and Artie's is probably being a big fat meatball. Artie thanked him for that. He said that Colin Quinn is going off to do this weight loss thing but he just doesn't think he can do it. Robin said that Artie was gazing at the cupcakes when she came into work. When she came back from the bathroom he had blue icing on his face after eating one.
Howard said that yesterday they had some Lucky Burgers up there and Artie ate two of them. Artie said he's on his second cupcake of the morning already. Howard said he didn't see the first one. Howard said it looked like he was sweating after eating that stuff.
Lisa told Artie to date Ivy Supersonic because she'd probably change him like she's trying to change Benjy. Benjy said that they're just trying to better each other. Howard told Benjy he's lucky to have Ivy. Benjy asked Howard if Beth tries to change him at all. Howard said that she's never done anything like that. Benjy said he likes having that and it seems sweet to him. Evil Dave said that Benjy doesn't look like a 400 pound pug to him. He seemed to be getting all of his lines right this morning and didn't screw anything up.
Lisa said that they have a story about George Takei picketing for the writer's strike. They also have a story about High Pitch Eric who keeps calling this woman from a car dealership. They're going to investigate that story more today on Howard 100 News.
Howard said that he wanted to move on to this contest but he had to take a break first. Robin spent a minute talking about a girl she knew in college who didn't have any boobs and she'd stand there looking in a mirror crying about not having anything. Robin said she was jealous and told her that she was lucky not to be cursed with the giant boobs that she was. Howard said that girl must have hated her.
Evil Dave threw in a line about wanting to take Jim Florentine's place in Robin's life so the guys talked to Robin about that for a short time before they went to break.
Howard mentioned that Howard TV has a couple of Yule Log things up this month. You can tune in and see Benjy doing some stuff and also see Artie eating on a loop. Gary said that he's going to show that one to his kids because they love to watch Artie eat.
Howard asked Gary where his beekeepers mask was for this contest. Gary said he's not going to do that today. He told Jason to come in and hold the microphone if that's the way he wants to do things. He said he can't breathe in these things. Evil Dave told him ''Cover yourself ape!'' Gary didn't want to do it but eventually put on one of the masks. He said he can't hear anything in the mask and said that if anything gets screwed up because of the mask, he's not taking responsibility for it.
Howard introduced the first woman, Amanda, who came in wearing a sweatshirt so they couldn't see just how small she is. Howard asked her how she heard about this contest. She said that a friend told her about it after she complained about how small her breasts are. She said that she's just 21 and she may get implants if she wins this contest. She said they wouldn't be all that big, they'd stay fairly small. She said that she really doesn't try that much harder with sex just because she doesn't have boobs. She does have a boyfriend and a girlfriend though and said that she's bi-sexual.
Howard had Amanda take off her top and then said that she looks great, even with small boobs. The guys said that she was good looking and she pulled off the no boobs thing just fine. She said that she does some modeling and stuff. She also talked about her girlfriend who has big boobs and a huge butt. She said she started messing around with women when she was 14 or 15. She said that the girlfriend is also bi-sexual and she's got a boyfriend as well. Howard asked her how she started getting it on with her. She said she was out at a bar one night and started messing around. Howard said that it's always the alcohol that gets you into trouble.
Howard said that he likes girls like this who are skinny and don't have boobs. He said that he bets that her nipples are really sensitive but Amanda said that wasn't true. Robin said that she'd like to have a chest the size of this girl's. Howard got back to the lesbian story and talked to her more about that. She said that the other chick had never done anything with women before so she brought her home and showed her how to do it. Howard asked if she ate her ass. Amanda said that she didn't but they were really drunk. They played with some toys and the other chick went down on her for like 2 hours.
Amanda said that she prefers women over men. Howard started to say Amanda's last name but she didn't want that out there so Howard had to hit the delay on that.
Howard introduced the next contestant, Peachez. She came in and said her real name is Sarah. Howard said that this girl fits his theory about how chicks with small boobs try harder to be sexual. She started putting out pictures of herself on the internet when she was just 14. She said that she and her friends would do that. Peachez said she was attracted to Amanda too and she wanted to suck on her tittie. Peaches went on to say that she does adult porn stuff now and masturbates on these web sites. She said that blow jobs are her specialty. Artie asked her how much it would cost to get one. She just laughed.
Peachez took her top off and the guys said that she was just a little bigger than Amanda. Howard said that she's wild though. He said that she's had sex in a bowling alley while the rest of her family was bowling. She said that she was out with her mom, dad and her mom's boyfriend. She was really horny and took him into the bathroom at the alley and had sex with him. She said that they went into a locked bathroom and did it, it wasn't like it was in the opening.
Howard asked Amanda if she wanted to kiss Peachez. She said she would and went right at it when Howard said they should do it. Howard also asked about Peachez banging her boyfriend on the flight out there to New York. She said that she blew him in there and it just lasted a couple of minutes. She also talked about how she lives with her dad after her parents got their divorce. Artie kept asking how much money she needed for a blow job. Peachez said that she might need about $5,000.
Howard moved on to the next contestant, Nicki, who works as an exotic dancer and dominatrix. Howard said that she's really hot too. He asked Dave what he thought about that. Dave said she was easy on the eyes. She told Howard that she's not looking for implants, she would never change her body like that. She also said that she's working her way through school by doing the dancing and dominatrix thing.
Nicki told Howard about some of the stuff she does as a dominatrix. She said that she wouldn't shit on a man if he asked because that's going just a little too far for her. Howard asked to see her small boobies after that. She had some Chinese writing on her but she said it wasn't really Chinese, it was just some writing. She had a bunch of tattoos that the guys checked out. Howard told her not to go too crazy with that because she had such a great body.
Howard asked Amanda if she liked this girl too. She said she really did. Peachez said she did too. Howard asked Nicki if she wanted to go over and kiss them. She did so Howard sent her over and had her making out with both of the girls. She was spanking the girls as well. She even kissed their asses after spanking them. Howard thanked her for that and said he might need a spanking himself, but not right now.
Howard said he thinks that his theory about girls with small breasts are more sexual might be right. Nicki said that she's been very sexual since she was very young, before any girl has breasts, so she's not sure about that. She went on to tell the guys about how many people she's been with at one time. She said that she usually only has orgies with friends but she's been with up to 9 people at one time before.
Howard asked Nicki if she'd ever think about being in a relationship with just one person. She said that she is with one guy but they're not monogamous. She said that most people can't deal with that stuff but this guy puts up with it. She said that they both get jealous of each other and what they do but they always break the rules.
Nicki said that she has watched her boyfriend have sex with another woman and he's watched her with another man. She said that they actually okay it with each other when they do this stuff. Howard said that there are a lot of fucked up people in her world. Howard said that this was getting tougher and tougher as it went along. He wasn't able to pick a clear cut winner. Nicki said that she's even smaller than an A-cup, she can't fill up anything.
Howard talked to Nicki a little more about her current career. Artie fell asleep at one point because of his sugar crash after the cupcakes. Howard said that there's something wrong there if he can't stay awake during this.
Howard brought in Ashley next. He said that she's pretty tall but she said she's only 5'6'' tall. She said that she's pretty sexual but she doesn't have any crazy stories like the rest of the girls. She said that her sister told her about the contest and this is the first time to get nude in front of people. She has a boyfriend, lost her virginity at 15 and she likes it doggy style. Howard asked to take a look at her boobs so she took her sweatshirt off. She had a bunch of tattoos as well. Howard said that she's attractive but the tattoo thing wasn't right. He asked her if she wanted to make out with anyone. She said she did like Nicki but she didn't want to make out. She did go over and touch her boobs though.
Howard said that Ashley has a regular job and has a pretty normal life. She said that her father doesn't know what she's up to but her mother does. She said that he'd probably kill her if he knew. Howard said that this is going to be a tough contest to judge. He had her spin around and show off her ass before moving on to the next one.
The final contestant was Rachelle. She came in and Howard said that she's really tall. She's 5'9'' tall and said that she's never really wanted breast implants. Howard said that she's got a great face and she looks really hot. She's a dancer at ''The Living room'' and they've told her to never get a boob job even though she's small.
Howard asked Rachelle if she's bi-sexual as well like the other girls. She said that she is but she's in just one relationship at a time. She talked about this girl she's with now and how she hooked up with her. Howard then asked her to take her top off. She was really flat according to Howard. He said that still didn't turn him off though. Artie said that he wasn't turned off either. Robin said that she had huge nipples though. Howard said that when you're built like that it doesn't matter.
Howard said that Rachelle must get a lot of looks when she's out with this other chick. She talked about how sensual they are when they're together and how the other girl will touch her during a song playing on the radio and things like that. She said that she gets really wet too. She told Howard how they mess around in the car and pull off each other's panties. She said that the other girl will finger her before she goes down on her. Howard wondered how long that goes on. Rachelle wasn't sure how long it goes. She said it's really good though.
Gary asked if she ever gets a guy in the loop. She said that they have done that but the other girl's boyfriend doesn't do her and she doesn't do her boyfriend. Rachelle said that she had a sex swing in her apartment and had a guy eating out her girlfriend while she and her boyfriend watched.
Rachelle said that she's had sex in a Macy's dressing room. She said that her boyfriend came in and did her in there but they got caught. She said they got kicked out of the store after that. She did it in another store and didn't get caught though.
Howard wondered what the hell they're going to do about voting. He said that it's the hottest chick with the smallest breasts. He went through each of the girls and reminded everyone who was who. One of the girls said that she likes Robin and she'd like to be with her. Robin wasn't interested though.
Howard said he didn't know what to do. Gary said he had a vote but Mike Gange interrupted and said that they have a 'cocksicle'' that Peachez could suck on and maybe that would help the judging. She started to suck on that and told the guys what she'd do to it if it were real. Evil Dave said that was nothing and he wanted to demonstrate what he could do.
Howard said that he really liked all of the girls but he was going to pick one who he thought was the hottest with the smallest breasts. Gary said that he looked down the line and saw Rachelle had the smallest breasts. He said that he'd have to go between her or Nicki for the hottest and he had to go with Rachelle because her boobs were so small. Howard said that he was going toward Amanda or Nicki but he wasn't even sure about those two.
Robin said that Peachez has the biggest boobs out of the group so she's out. She went through the rest of the girls and said that Rachelle really has no breasts. She said that she looks like a dude in the chest area. She had to give her vote to her.
Howard said he's still not sure about his vote. He went to Evil Dave who picked Mike Gange. Then he threw Nicki a vote. Howard went to Artie next and aid that he was asleep through most of it but asked him for his pick. Artie said they had quite a line up there. He said that Amanda was the one who was getting his vote. He said she was very sexy with the southern accent and all.
Howard said that this was close so far. He went to Fred next. Fred said that without the tattoos he would have went with Nicki. He said that Peachez boobs were too big. He said that he had to go with Amanda. Howard and Benjy had to get to their votes. Benjy said he had to knock everyone out but Nicki and Amanda. He asked them to show their asses and then picked Amanda. Howard said that he had to go with either Nicki, Ashley or Rachelle. He said that Amanda was giving him eyes and he could go with her too. He said he had to pick Rachelle because of her tiny chest.
Rachelle and Amanda were the two who were tied so they went around the room. Robin, Gary and Howard went with Rachelle. Artie, Fred, Benjy and Evil Dave picked Amanda so she was the winner. Howard had Vanessa from TheBestPorn.com. come in and present Amanda with her prize. The other girls all won diamond earrings courtesy of CustomJewellry.com.
Sal came in and offered $20 to the first girl to take off her bottoms. Rachelle did it. Howard said he had to get to Lee Majors so he had to cut them off with that stuff.
Howard asked Lee about the shows that he had years ago. Lee said that he had a few hit shows back then and he did very well for himself. Howard then went through the history of Lee Majors and asked him about The Big Valley which was the first hit show he was on. Lee told Howard that they offered him some girls that were in a picture and that's how he met Farrah Fawcett. She was right around the age of 20 or so back then. Howard said that Lee was a good looking dude back then too.
Howard said that Lee ended up marrying Farrah but then he trusted Ryan O'Neal to ''watch'' his woman for him while he was away. Lee said that he told Ryan to feel free to go out with Farrah to dinner if he wanted to. By that time they had been married for 12 years and they weren't seeing much of each other anyway. He said that Ryan wasn't so busy at the time though so he had time to spend with Farrah.
Howard said that it must be something when you marry a chick like Farrah and she becomes really famous. Lee said that he had a big hand in that and helped her out with the career. He said that things like that just can't work out in the end because it's tough to have two big careers.
Howard asked Lee how he found out that Farrah was cheating on him. He said he didn't remember how that all came out. He said that things worked out fine after that though. He said that he's now married to this girl who he's been with for 13 years now. He met this girl at 20 as well and he was about 50 at the time. Gary said that chick is the 1985 Playmate of the year.
Howard said that Lee must have been getting a lot of chicks and even dudes coming on to him. Lee said that he thinks he had a gay following and also a big black following when he was the Six Million Dollar Man.
Robin asked Lee if his relationship with Ryan kept going. He said that they have remained friends over the years. Lee said that Farrah is in a bad way with her cancer now so he's been going out and visiting her.
Gary said that Lee's father was killed just 8 months before he was born and then his mother was killed when he was just 2 years old. He said that she was killed by a drunk driver. He had some relatives in Kentucky who raised him and he didn't know that he was adopted until he was 12 years old. He said they didn't tell him, he just found out by going through papers in the attic. He said they didn't know he knew until he was going to college.
Lee said that being adopted gave him a great drive in his life. He told Howard about how he got his first part on The Big Valley after auditioning with 500 other guys. He said that he wasn't really an actor much before that. He just happened to be in the right place at the right time for all of the shows he ended up doing.
Gary said that there were only 5 channels on TV when the Six Million Dollar Man was on TV and there were tons of people watching the show at that point. He said that he was making 50 grand an episode back then. That was big money back in the 70s.
Gary said that Lee walked away from The Fall Guy because he was exhausted from doing the hard work on those shows. Lee said that it was tough doing those shows back then but he knows now that he should have stuck with them. He said that he was in his 40s doing The Fall Guy and he was getting too old for that.
Lee said that he's doing this Tahiti Village thing out in Las Vegas. He gave out the number to call to get a free room out there. The number is 1-877-53-GET IT. He said that you can go out there, get a free room and even go to a free show. He threw that number out there a couple of times.
Howard asked Lee if he likes the new Bionic Woman TV show. Lee said he does but he doesn't like it. He said that Lindsay Wagner doesn't like it either. He said that she used to smile and she was likable on her show but this new chick isn't so friendly and the show is too sci-fi and dark for them.
Howard asked Lee if he ever banged Lindsay Wagner. He said he didn't. He wouldn't say if he did Linda Evans or Heather Thomas, who were two of his co-stars on shows he did. Howard figured he had banged Heather and said that he wants to see his penis. Howard wrapped up with Lee a short time later. lee said that he was going to send Howard a Six Million Dollar Man product that he signed. He then wished Howard and his audience happy holidays and a happy new year. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard asked who would win if the bionic man and Spider-Man were in a fight. Both he and Robin said that it would be Spider-Man.
Howard said that Artie fell asleep with a cigarette in his mouth. They had a still shot of him sleeping and Artie said it looks like he died. He said that's what it's going to look like when he does die. The Howard TV guys showed a replay of him sleeping there and then waking up during that segment.
The guys spent a few more minutes talking about Artie sleeping and how weird that was. Artie said that he's just having a bad day because he had a ton of sugar and other food this morning. He had a ton of stuff before 8 o'clock. Ralph was on the phone going off on him about that and Artie said he knows that it's awful. He said that every once in a while he'll just sleep for 2 days at a time. He said he's in a rut and he can't get out of it. Howard said if he just skipped the sodas he'd be fine.
Ralph offered to move in with Artie like Robin had Dr. Roni do with her when she was dieting. Artie said that he knows he's slowly killing himself. He said he knows there's happiness in him somewhere but he's not able to find it. He said he's done and ready to retire already. Howard told him he'll end up like Lee majors kicking himself for giving up making good money in the prime of his career. Artie said that he doesn't care, he's not making the kind of money that Lee Majors was making back then.
Howard asked Artie if he's over 300 pounds yet. He said that he's not, he's been maintaining that 300 pound mark for a while now.
Howard said that they'll have the Hottest Chick contest up on Howard TV tomorrow night. Ralph told Artie he can watch it on Howard TV since he missed it in the studio while he slept. The guys spent a short time talking about the contest and how dirty all of the girls were.
Howard read through some of the e-mail that he's gotten about Eric. The fans don't want to hear him on unless they're making fun of him. Howard said that he thinks that Eric is amusing so that's the only reason he puts him on. He asked Eric what he can do for him. Eric said that he's going to revise his script and have it to him by the time they get back from vacation. Howard asked him if he's still doing the Charlie's Angels thing. Eric said it will be but he's going to revise it.
Howard said he doesn't want the Charlie's Angel's thing, he wants him in an action role. Eric doesn't think he can do that because he's in a wheelchair. The guys told him that he can do it, he can have a souped up wheelchair and things like that. Howard told him to use his imagination and come up with something cool.
Eric was goofing on Evil Dave and that led to Howard asking Dave what he's doing with his hair and then found out that he's promoting his girlfriend's friend's chocolate company. She's got a web site but the name of it was something that's not easily spelled. (DesireeChocolates.com/)
Howard told Eric that he really has to come up with something action based. He told him that he could do something action filled and still be in the wheelchair. Eric said that he's not going to take any of those ideas. He's going to stick with his ideas and go with them. He can't do the action thing. Eric said he thinks that he'd look ridiculous doing an action movie. Ralph told him to relax and just go with it, have some fun.
Eric said that it would take too much money to do an action movie. Howard told him not to worry about that, In Demand has a ton of money. Ralph said that Eric would probably have a bottle rocket on his wheelchair for his weapons. Ralph also said that Charlie doesn't even interact with the Angels so that was a bad idea. Eric said that he's revised it so he does interact with them.
Ralph said that he'll call Eric later and work on it. Eric told him to go find his boyfriend. Ralph said he was just trying to help him out. Howard told him to work on something other than the Charlie's Angels thing. He said that he doesn't think it's a hit. He said he had to go to break a short time later.
Eric said that he has a shower scene in this movie but Howard didn't like it. Howard said that a scene without Eric in it is bad. That's what he's saying. He said that Eric should be in the shower with the girls. Ralph told him to do a hot tub scene or something like that. The guys were throwing out more ideas to Eric but Eric didn't seem happy with anything they threw out there. They wanted to have Evil Dave giving him a bath or something like that but Eric said that he'd have to kill him off early in the movie.
Howard told Eric to make his movie better and Eric told him to make his show better. He wasn't happy with the way things were going. Howard wanted Eric to say ''bye for now'' but Eric refused to do it and hung up on them.
Howard said that they were watching Eric on his webcam this morning and the phone looked bigger than his head. They ended up goofing on him for a short time after that. Howard had some good ideas for the movie that Eric is writing but Eric doesn't want to do any of them. Howard said that Eric has a good film in him but they have to get him to think outside the box. He went to break after that.
Howard had Gary bring Nicki back in so he could ask her about this ''going to the dark side'' thing that she asked him about earlier. She said that she does some fetish stuff and that's all she was referring to. Howard thought she was inviting him to do some domination stuff. She said that she doesn't have to do the corporal punishment stuff, she can do some sensual stuff with him if he wants. Howard said that he's not sure about that. He just wants to fuck.
Howard told her about Benjy's idea to do a radio show. She said that's what she'd like to do eventually and have her own talk show. Howard said they might have to give her a show there. Nicki said that she wants the credentials to do a show like that so that's why she's going to school.
Howard said that Doug Goodstein was mad at him for not having the girls sit on the Sybian during that segment. Howard asked Nicki if she would have done that. She said probably not but she would have liked to have seen one of the other girls do it. Howard asked which one she wanted to do it. She was into Ashley but she said she would like to play with all of them.
Howard told Gary to ask the girls if any of them wanted to ride it. Gary came in and said that one of the girls was saying she was afraid she wouldn't really get off. Howard said he didn't care, he just wants them to be real while they're riding it.
Ashley came in and said she'd give it a try. Howard said that he trusts her the most out of any of the girls so this was good. He said that this will be a true test of the Sybian because she's not going to fake it. Nicki was going to play with her while she rode it.
Gary had Ashley sit on the machine and told her what to do. Nicki was going to be gentle with her while she was on it. Gange asked Nicki to take some clothes off too so she did that. Gary started the machine and Howard asked what she was feeling. She didn't seem to be getting into it right away so they jacked up the power a bit. She said it felt good at that point. Gary bumped up the power a little more while Nicki was doing stuff to her. She said that she didn't seem to be into it. Howard told her to quiet down for a minute while Ashley was trying to get off.
Ashley finished a minute or so in and said that she was embarrassed to make any noise. She Nicki said she could feel her quivering while she had her tongue on her nipple.
Gary said that they may have one more chick who would be willing to get on the thing. He said that Rachelle was on the fence so he went to get her. She came back in and got on the Sybian and took it for a ride. Nicki asked her to take her top off so she could have access to her nipples during the ride. Howard told her to let them know what's going on inside of her while she's on it.
Gary started the machine and brought the power up slowly. Rachelle was moaning and giggling while it was on. She had to ask him to stop it within seconds. She finished and said that she was wet after just a few seconds on it. She didn't want to get back on it but it felt really good. She said she got scared and didn't finish. She said she was wet though. Howard demanded that she get back on and finish but she didn't want to do it because she was scared. Howard said he wanted to hear the whole session. She asked for Gary to start off really slow and work it up. Gary told her to just tell him to go up or down and he'd follow her lead.
Rachelle got back on the Sybian and had Gary starting her out slowly. She told him to bring it up a couple of times slowly and had him keep it at a certain speed for a short time as she moaned and got off. She was gasping for air and breathing short breaths as she was trying to finish. She let out a few ''Oh Gods'' as it was going too. She asked to stop again and said that she can't get off. Howard told Gary to turn it up and she asked for it to stop. Howard told her to just stick with it but she was done by that point. She really liked it and said she wants one.
Howard said that they were the hottest chicks with the smallest breasts. He asked if anyone wanted to plug anything. Nicki got in a couple of plugs for her Myspace account at Myspace.com/dirtysex and HotLapdance.com. The other girls didn't want to plug anything.
Rachelle said that she didn't know that they were taping this for Howard TV. She got all embarrassed after that. She wondered what it looked like when she was on it so the Howard TV guys showed her some of it on the studio monitor. Howard thanked the girls for that and let them go a short time later. He told them to keep in touch and come back soon. He was still talking to Nicki about doing a show there. She sounded interested but she's very busy with other stuff.
Steve also said that they have a story about High Pitch Eric's old apartment finally being rented after taking forever to be cleaned up. They also have a story about Miss Howard Stern doing an interview for Penthouse magazine. ''Jim Florentine-Quivers'' did the interview with her. They also have a story about how someone paid $14,000 to get to sit in during the Wrap Up Show after bidding on it for a charity.
Jon Hein came in and ran down the stuff they'd be covering on The Wrap Up Show today. They'll be talking about the Hottest Chick, Smallest Breasts contestants. They'll also talk about Lee Majors' call and about Evil Dave sitting in on the show today.
Steve the Intern came in and gave a quick rundown of what they'd be covering on The Intern Show tonight. They have a bunch of stuff going on over there about the interns.
Robin started off her news with a story about Alex Trebeck who had a heart attack the other day. Howard said he likes that guy and how seriously he takes that job of his hosting Jeopardy. The guys wondered if Jeopardy could go on without Alex. Howard said it probably could, The Price is Right is going on without Bob Barker. Robin said she saw Drew Carey hosting that show and it was very odd. He didn't seem comfortable and didn't seem to know the games very well. Howard said he'd be the same way if he was hosting a game show like that. He said he needs an easy show like ''Deal or No Deal'' or something like that. He said there's nothing to memorize on that one. He said he was offered a game show one time but the idea for the show was awful and he just didn't want to do it.
Sal came in and had some Alex Trebeck outtakes from a Jeopardy recording session where he got all irritated and cursed a bunch of times when he'd screw up his lines. Howard played that and wondered why that guy would get so upset when all he had to do was read some lines.
Howard played more audio clips where they were talking about Alex Trebeck's heart attack. Robin had some clips of him doing the Jeopardy thing. Howard said that job has to be easy and he'd love to have a job like that. He said that he'd like to have something like Fear Factor like Joe Rogan had. He said that stuff is easy and he'd love to have something like that. He had to take a break a short time later.
After the break we heard a prank call that Sal and Richard made to a public access TV call in show. Howard came back and had Robin get to some more news stories. She was busy eating something over there. She had some cauliflower in her mouth. Howard thought it was a cupcake but she doesn't eat that stuff. Robin got into her news and read story about Cher having some kind of mystery illness. Howard said she's a crybaby and suffers from some other stuff too. He said that people get old and they become known for what they're sick with. He said that getting old is a bitch. He said she's probably looking like the dudes who do impressions of her now. He said that he was sorry to hear that though.
Robin said that Pam Anderson and her new husband Rick Solomon are going to do a reality TV show. The show is supposed to air next year.
Howard said he got the monthly ratings for their old station, K-Rock, there in New York. They're at a 1.5 rating for the whole station. Robin gave that a ''Yikes!'' when she heard the news. She wondered what they have on over there. Howard said they have a lot of wonderful programming there and the whole country is missing out on it apparently.
Robin read through some more stories and talked about who the most overpaid celebrities are out there. Howard said that it was probably Artie who got paid $72,000 for one night of comedy. Robin said that it's actually Nicole Kidman who allegedly makes $15 million per film. She doesn't bring in the box office money though. Her last 3 films grossed just $15 on every dollar she earned. Robin said Jennifer Lopez is on that list along with Russell Crowe. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about that and how bad some movies are with people like Jennifer Lopez in them.
Howard said that Tobey Maguire isn't over paid because he gives people what they want. Robin said that Jim Carrey is on that overpaid list. Howard said that's because he wants to be an actor and doesn't want to make his asshole talk anymore like he did in Ace Ventura.
Howard took a call from Double A who said that they had a lot of hotties in this week but the hottest girl in the world is coming in tomorrow, Beth O. He asked if he could come in and say hello to her before the holidays. Howard said that he could come in and look at her for a second but he didn't want him begging to come on the air. Double A said that he's her biggest fan and he's been following her ever since he saw her.
Richard came in and suggested that they have him dress up like an elf. Howard asked him if he'd be up for that. Double A said he didn't want to do that. Richard said there is no free ride there and they can't just let him come up there. Howard said that they just want him to dress up like an elf. Double A finally broke down and said he'd do it. Artie said that they should make him take a cock in his ass too.
Robin talked about how the word ''w00t'' has become the word of the year thanks to Merriam-Webster. Evil Dave said that's the same sound he makes when a man sticks his tongue up his ass.
Artie was eating some more food and drinking some watered down Pepsi. He said it was watered down because the ice melted and he hates that.
Robin read through some more stories after that. She read one about a piece of art that was just recently found to be a fake. Evil Dave threw in some more jokes during the news and said that what he likes to do during the holidays is stick a bottle of soap up his ass and blow bubbles from it for his son Harry.
Robin had another story about a woman who tried to kill her baby by dropping it down the stairs. She had some audio of her calling 911 and telling them what she was doing. Howard had to go to break again after that.
After the break Robin came back and read a story about a lock of John Lennon's hair selling for $5,000 recently. Howard wondered what someone would do with something like that. He said he's never even asked anyone for an autograph. He said he's a huge John Lennon fan but he's not sure what he'd do with his hair. He said he certainly wouldn't pay 5 grand for someone's hair.
Robin read through a few more stories and talked about the Led Zeppelin reunion concert and some of the people who showed up for that. She had a story about Will Smith promoting his new movie. Howard played some of his audio clips but cut them off before they were finished because he was so bored with them. Howard also cut off a clip of Jason Bateman that Robin wanted him to play.
Howard played some of Julianne Hough's new song during the news. Robin had mentioned that a little earlier and didn't know that her song was available on iTunes. Robin didn't like the song and Howard wasn't digging it either. He said she's probably right about it not being very good.
Robin read a story about the people who were in the movie ''The Kite Runner'' and how some of the kids in the movie will probably have to leave Afghanistan after playing the part of kids who were abused. Howard said that's a horrible punishment, having to leave Afghanistan. Howard said that would be like Artie being sentenced to living in a strip club for 3 years.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard started to wrap up the show. He mentioned some of the stuff they had coming up tomorrow and let Evil Dave get in a few more lines. They ended the show around 10:50am.
Jon said that Beth O is supposed to be coming in tomorrow and Benjy seems to think that there will be more gifts coming. Benjy said he thinks that people are being ridiculous expecting gifts from Howard but he thinks that Howard is going to do something during the next couple of weeks. Gary said that as soon as Howard doesn't have to see them every day, it's out of sight, out of mind.
Jon thinks that hell is going to break loose tomorrow morning during that secret Santa thing. Gary said it should beat last year when the wood chipper didn't work. Benjy wanted to know what Gary spent on his gifts but Gary didn't want to go there. Benjy said he has Chris Costa from Howard TV and he's not sure how much he should have spent. Artie has Benjy so he's not sure what to expect what to get from him. He said that he should probably spend about 1/10th of what Artie gets for him on his secret Santa person.
Jon said that Benjy is supposed to be one of the fab 5 or 6 in the studio so he should be making good money. Gary said he met his guy the day he picked his name so he barely knows the person he's buying a gift for. He said they really should hold off on this until tomorrow morning though. Benjy said that he thinks that Artie is going to go nuts with his gift.
Gary said that Rachelle really had nothing on her chest so that's why he had to pick her. He said that it's weird to see a woman that flat chested. All of the other girls had something going on with their chests.
Benjy said that he had never seen a girl with such small boobs like that. He also thought that she had no hips either. He said that Peachez had breasts and Nicki's face was just stunning. Gary said that it was a close contest and it turned out pretty good.
Jon took a phone call from a guy who congratulated them on the show today. He also asked why they don't do spanking on the show anymore. Gary said that he's not sure how to answer that other than to say that there isn't that big of a cry from the audience. Jason said that the guys on the show aren't allowed to do spanking because their women won't let them. Gary said that he can do whatever he wants but he respects his woman. Benjy said he thinks that the Sybian killed the spanking thing. Gary said that might be the case because they don't even use the Robospanker anymore.
Benjy said that spanking can be more intriguing for the audience but Gary disagreed with that. Benjy thinks that Jon might be secretly into that kind of stuff and the dominating stuff. Jon joked that Benjy saw right through his lies. Jason was into all of that and talking about how hot it was.
Gary said that he always gets freaked out when he finds out about the weird stuff they're into. He said that he went to a friend's house one time and found out that he was into Asian women and it was just kind of weird to find that out. Gary said that he doesn't know much about Jon Hein but he does like that really young chick on ''30 Rock.'' Jon said he didn't know that she was only 17 years old and if he did, maybe he wouldn't be so into her.
Jason said that they have this web site they go on to find porn clips. They have it all broken down into categories and he wondered what Jon would go for. Jon said he wasn't sure which one he'd check, he'd have to look at the list.
A caller asked the guys who they think is the creepiest guy on the show. He gave them a list but they didn't all stick with it. The guys were saying that High Pitch Eric was one of the creepiest. Evil Dave was sitting in and said that he doesn't think he should be on the list. Eric the Midget, Richard Christy, and Evil Dave were the names that the caller threw out there. Evil Dave was all over the place not giving a straight answer so Jon moved on.
Jon played some clips from the Hottest Chick, Smallest Breast contest. They had one where Artie went off on Evil Dave for creeping them all out. Evil Dave just couldn't answer a question without going on a tangent. He'd crack a joke each time he'd answer a question. Gary asked him if he's ever been diagnosed with ADD. He said he hadn't and said that he's just fine.
Benjy asked Evil Dave if he had to sleep in a bed with either Eric the Midget or Richard Christy, which one would it be. Dave threw out some lame lines and eventually picked Eric because he wouldn't have to worry about him rolling over on him.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that they should change the name of the contest because they weren't sticking to the name of the contest as being the rules. He said that the chick with the smallest tits didn't win. Gary said that it was a combo, hottest chick with the smallest tits, and it was a close vote. The guy said it was a cool contest after that.
The caller also thought that Evil Dave was really David Letterman. He said it was weird hearing him talking about young boys and stuff during the show. They kept the illusion going throughout the guy's call. Evil Dave threw out some more lame lines that bombed but that's why Jason said he loves him. He said that he's great when he's off script.
Jon took another call about the contest and that guy liked it. He wondered if Howard was going to do a live show on a Friday. Gary said that won't happen this year. The guy was in the middle of working so he was out of breath for running into a store to drop off some payroll.
Another caller said that it was quite a let down when they went into the call with Lee Majors after that hot chick contest. He said that it was a weird transition when they went from one to the other. Gary said that they only had Lee on the phone for a short time so they had to take the call when they could. They did end up doing the Sybian ride later in the show though.
Dave was telling the guys that he and his girlfriend were friends for a while and then they just knew... No one knew what they knew so Gary dug a little deeper and tried to find out what he was talking about. Dave said that he's trying to get his girlfriend to stop being that old fashioned career gal. They tried to find out what he meant by that too but they were having trouble finding out what he meant by everything he'd bring up. Gary said that it's very hard to peel away those layers of his life and find out more.
Gary asked Dave if he'd be willing to come in and play a Newlywed Game with his girlfriend. Dave said that he might be willing to do that.
Gary asked Dave how much time he spends with his girlfriend. He said that he sneaks out at 1 in the morning to spend some time with her. He's got a couple of daughters, 24 and 18 years old, that he can leave at home alone. Dave was saying that he had teenage daughters so Jon wondered how a 24 year old was a teenager. Dave joked around more and didn't reference that again.
Jason asked Dave why he has to sneak out of the house. Dave didn't have an answer for that either. He made some obscure references when he answered that. He got back to that ''career gal'' thing again so Jon asked him what that means. Dave said that it's someone who wants to work as long as she can without revealing her age. Jason asked if she was a working girl. Dave said yes but then realized what he meant and said not that type of working girl.
Jon took some phone calls and one guy wanted to do a bong hit while he was asking it. The caller said that Dave's personal life might be more interesting than the real David Letterman's life. Evil Dave ended up mentioning a jewelry store that no one knew so Jon moved on again.
Another caller asked where the Letterman voice came from. Evil Dave said that he gargles and that's where it came from. Evil Dave broke into his real voice and said that he's done it for a while and it's very close to his real voice but he has to put the fluctuations into it. Jason asked to hear both voices so they could try and hear the difference. Dave asked himself some questions as Dave Van Damme asking David Letterman questions. It wasn't all that different.
Dave said that he's never met the real Dave before but he'd love to go on and mimic him. He thinks that it would kill. He said that he will be doing Letterman's voice for Family Guy in February. Jon had to go to break after that.
Gary also had Evil Dave throw out a holiday greeting for the Spanish speaking listeners. He said ''Felice navi-doll... please don't cut me.'' No one laughed.
Jon and Gary talked about Lee Majors' call to the show. Gary gave some history about Lee and how big of a star he was back in the 1970s. They also talked about how he did reveal a couple of things like the fact that he had Heather Thomas when she was in her prime. They played a clip of the interview Howard did with Lee.
They played the clip of Dave throwing out a line about how his father died 11 months before he was born. Dave said that wasn't one of his own lines, it was something that was written for him. Evil Dave was going on and on about Lee Majors so Gary asked him if he went to the school of slowing the show down that Benjy went to.
Dave said that the chocolates are only available in the ''Chicagoland'' area but they're doing very well out there. They do catering and stuff and they're thinking about expanding. He didn't have an answer about how much he'd have to invest in it to be an investor. Dave said that he's hoping that things take off with it. He said that it would just be a matter of putting some cash together to make it happen.
Dave said that the woman is a chocolateer, not to be confused with a mouseketeer, and she makes some good chocolate. Dave hadn't opened the chocolate yet so he did that and passed it around to the guys in the studio. Jon took another call while that was going on. The caller said that he was over in Iraq for 15 months and they tried for months to get the show over there but it wasn't happening.
The caller also asked about this Shia LaBeouf actor but Gary had no idea who he was. Gary said he hears his name all the time but he really doesn't know who he is. The caller said that he's probably the luckiest guy in the world to be dating Megan Fox.
Jon said that everyone was being quiet about the chocolate so that must be a good thing. Gary said that it was really good. Dave said he's got to think about investing in this company. He said that he'd like to have enough of a return in money to be able to light his cigars with $100 bills. Dave gave some more plugs for the web site after that. They had to cut him off when he started to go on a little too long.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that today's show was one of the best but he wants to be able to see this on Howard TV. He has satellite TV though. Gary said that it's only on digital cable right now so that's where you have to watch it.
That conversation led to the guys talking to Dave about the guy who keeps him under control during the show, Will. Will has to keep Dave in line during the show to make sure he sticks to the script. Will made sure to say that he wasn't the one who told Howard about the mask thing. He said that he thinks that it's the Howard TV guys who do that. Isaac Mark from Howard TV said he thinks that Howard came up with that on his own. They thought that maybe Howard saw the mask in Mike Gange's hand and that's what reminded him to do it.
Gary said that he didn't want to do that mask thing, he just wanted to see the contest. Jon said he got a note from someone who said that it was definitely not Howard's idea for the mask today so someone threw Gary under the bus.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she hates Dave and he's the most vulgar and horrible person on the show. She hung up before she explained her anger though. Another caller asked if they're going to do that Christmas morning thing that they talked about earlier. Gary said that they may do that and they're working on some ideas now.
The guys talked to Will about working with Dave and if it's a pain in the ass for him. Will said that he enjoys it because he gets to sit in the studio and hear the show better than he can out in the office. Jon had to wrap up after that. They talked to Evil Dave a little more and then everyone got in their plugs.
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Howard started off the show wondering where to begin. He had his Secret Santa gift for Lori the intern. Robin had hers to give too. She said that it was a very tough assignment because it was the worst name she could have pulled out of the hat. She said that she only had one gift to think about but it was the hardest to buy. Howard said that his was easy to pick out.
Artie said he has Benjy and he has something very nice for him. He said he may need or want it. Robin asked if they were new teeth since Ivy Supersonic was looking to get them fixed. Howard said he thought Benjy was going to get Ivy's tattoos removed for her as a gift. They have a doctor who will do it for free but Benjy will have to do something crazy to get it.
Howard wondered what they could have Benjy do but they didn't have any ideas. Fred said that he'd have to reveal his real birthday by showing them a birth certificate. Howard said that was okay. Gary suggested that he just act normal for a week and answer questions. Howard said that they have a guy who says he knows how old Benjy is because he went to school with him and they were the same age at the time.
Fred also suggested that they have Benjy record sex with Ivy. Benjy said he already did that. He said he recorded it but he's had mixed feelings about playing it on the air. The guys said that they could give him the name of the doctor if he plays that. Benjy already knows the guy's name though. He said he won't get anything done without their permission first.
Howard said that all he has to do is bring the tape in. Benjy said that the sex was just a hand release. Howard told him it has to be intercourse though. Benjy said that he was using his finger on Ivy, that's what he was doing in the tape. Howard said that it sounds staged to him and he doesn't want anything to do with that. Benjy said he always carries around the recording because he has a recorder with him all the time.
Benjy asked if they want him to go home and do it now over the phone. They told him to do it but he had other ideas. He just wants them to play the tape once. Howard said they can't do that and they won't cut it out of the show like he asked.
Benjy said he would go home now and do it now if they agreed to just do it once. Howard said that won't happen and told him to forget about it.
Gary said he heard something on the intern show last night about Benjy. He said that someone sent Artie a box of 36 packs of cookies and Artie didn't take them for some reason. They got thrown on the glom pile back there and Benjy ended up taking 33 of the 36 packs for himself. Benjy said he thought they were in there for a couple of days and he was just using them up.
Howard wondered if they should do the Secret Santa thing now. They held off on that for a while since Lori the Intern was out doing something. Howard said that Double A wasn't going to help them out with this but he was going to be there in an elf outfit. He said that they insisted that he show up like that today to see Beth. Howard said he should be there soon.
Howard said that he thinks that the intern will enjoy this gift. He said Beth helped him pick it out and it was a two part gift. He said that one part was his idea, one was Beth's. He said he didn't go crazy with this gift.
Howard said that Gary went out and got health insurance for his dog. It came in handy when the dog ended up in the hospital because it cost $2000 for a two day stay. Gary said that it is worth it because a broken leg might cost 6 or 7 grand. Artie asked him if he knows how much it would cost to just throw the dog out of a moving car. The guys couldn't believe he was talking about animals like that.
Howard said that if Artie went down to the North Shore Animal League and saw these pets he'd change his mind. He said that the pets lose their owners and they just get stuck in cages. Howard said he's going to make Artie watch some of the movies from the DogCatemy Awards. Artie wasn't touched at all.
Howard said that Artie was hired to be the host for an charity event for a disease that kids get that makes it impossible for them to stop eating called Prada Willy. Artie ended up goofing on them at the event. Gary told him to tell the story about seeing this video of the girl who couldn't stop eating. Artie has told the story a couple of times but he told it again. He said that this 17 year old girl in the movie has to be fenced in to keep her from running to the ice cream truck. The parents don't know what to do. He said he was touched by that but then they introduced him and he went up on stage and said that it was a good thing they didn't bring their kids because the carving station there was great.
Howard said that Ike Turner just died and they just did an interview with him a couple of months ago. Gary said that he claimed that his girlfriend was poisoning him.
Another caller said he's looking forward to this History of Howard Stern thing that's airing next week. Howard said he's been listening to it on his iPod and there's a lot of stuff included in it. He said that some days it airs for like 6 or 7 hours. He said they did such a complete job and it's really great. He said that they put a full year of production into this thing and it's very well produced.
Robin said that maybe they could release it at a later time on CD. Howard said that's not going to happen, he's only playing it on SIRIUS. Robin said she had a woman asking how long it was going to be and what it was going to be like. She said she told the woman that it starts from conception as far as she knows.
Howard said that they released a movie poster-like promotion for this whole thing. He said they could never do something like this on terrestrial radio. He said that they have like 15 guys who worked on this thing. He's very proud of it and told the fans to tune in and listen to it. Howard ran through a list of the names of the guys who worked on the special and said there are so many guys involved.
Howard read through some of the stuff about the merger delay and talked about how much time they've wasted on this so far. It's coming up on a year now. He went off on that whole thing for a minute and then tried to get off the subject.
The caller asked Howard a trivia question about his last day at K-Rock but Howard didn't know what the guy was talking about because that last show was such a mess. He let the guy go after they went through that.
Sam said that the story wasn't true and George wasn't thrown off the show because he was creepy. He said that they used to watch the old Star Trek series and they'd get those people on whenever they could. They got George to do the show and put him up in a hotel. They brought him to the table reading and they had this young man who was a personal assistant and he was a very handsome young man. He said he was model like and George may have flirted with this Joe guy and Joe was uncomfortable with it. He said that Joe brought it to their attention.
Sam said that you usually just sent an actor a new script the next day but he decided to make Joe go to George's hotel room to give George the script. He did this like 5 times. He's not sure what happened in the room but Joe came back and said that he wasn't going back there again. Joe refused to do it again.
Howard asked Sam if he's going to get money from the Simpsons movie. Sam said that he will eventually, he didn't even have to do any work on the show. Sam said that he hasn't seen the show since the 4th season but he still gets checks.
Howard said they wanted to get Hank Azaria on the phone to talk about this. It turns out that Hank was accosted by the Howard 100 News team outside of a movie premiere. Howard said he has no control over them these days and he's not sure what they're up to now. Sam thinks that they might be pushing it a little far these days. He said that Steve Langford is a strange guy too.
Sam said that George Takei did ask Joe to get him some hot tea and honey the day they were doing a reading and George told Joe that he was his little angel. He said that's not why they never asked him back though. He said that they were struggling a little bit in the beginning and they couldn't afford to bring him back to do every line they wanted him to. Hank did an impression that was close to his voice so they had him do it instead.
Howard let Sam go after that. Gary came in and said that he had a similar experience with George when he went to his hotel room. He was afraid that he was going to get hit on too but nothing happened. Now he wonders what he did wrong. Howard ended up goofing on Gary for thinking that a gay man would be attracted to him. Everyone piled on top of him and goofed on him about him thinking that every gay man wants him.
Gary said that gay guys usually do hit on him so there is something weird going on there. Howard asked Gary who his secret Santa is. Gary said that it's some guy from Howard TV and he's not even sure how to pronounce his last name. He said he's only seen the guy twice.
Howard took a call from a guy who was asking about the History of Howard Stern thing but Benjy started playing the clip of Ivy getting off. Howard cut the caller off and listened to that. He asked Benjy if that was a bullshit thing or if he was really doing it. Benjy said that as far as he knows it was real. He said that he's good with his hands and he thinks he could teach guys how to do what he does.
Howard told Benjy told him to record them having intercourse. Artie said they want to hear her say ''Oh... get off of me!'' Benjy said that he may have told Ivy that they were recording at the time. Howard wondered if she sounds like that whenever they're doing it. Benjy said she does. Howard wondered if that was for real.
Benjy was afraid that he was going to say something in the clip that he'd have to cut off. The guys had some theories about what he might say like ''I wish this was a guy's asshole.'' Benjy said he wants to make sure that he didn't say something that he'd regret during that clip. Howard told him to have Scott put it in the computer so they can hear it.
Howard said that should be good enough for Benjy to get this deal to have the tattoos removed. Artie said that it sounds like Benjy and Ivy met and like each other but they want to change each other in strange ways.
Fred said that it didn't sound sincere to him, it sounded more like he just wanted Steve to get out of his face. Steve stayed on Hank and told him about what Sam told them about the whole thing. Hank said that they did kid around about that stuff for many years after that.
Hank said that George is a really sweet guy and he shouldn't have said that. Steve told him that the Stern Fans are defending him like that. Hank said that he's a big fan of Howard's too and he gave his apology to him and to George while doing an impression of George.
Howard said that he didn't have to hear the whole 5 minutes of interview. He said that Hank apologized and that was enough for him.
Howard had Lori come in and Robin said that she had never seen her before. Howard said that he hopes she likes his gift to her. He asked her how her internship went. She said that it went well and talked to Howard about that for a short time. She said that she's going to school so she can get into some form of media. She said that she'd like to have a job on the air as some kind of personality. Artie let out a laugh and told her that's not possible. He said he was just kidding though.
Gary said that he heard that Lori's least favorite person there is Ronnie the Limo Driver. He apparently yells at her every morning. Howard said that he shouldn't be interacting with people there. Lori said she likes him but he busts her ass every morning when she comes in. Gary said that the intern that he wouldn't bust on is a 300 pound intern.
Howard wished Lori a Merry Christmas and gave her the gift. He asked Robin for his too since she was his Secret Santa. Lori opened hers, Howard opened his without even opening his card. Robin said that she got two different things for Howard. She had to decide which one to give him. Howard had to dig through paper and boxes to get to the well protected gift.
Lori opened her gift and said that it was a Mark Jacobs purse and inside the purse there was a $1000 gift certificate to Bloomingdale's. She made out very well and said that she could never afford a Mark Jacobs bag. Robin said that's why you want to have Howard's name as your Secret Santa. Artie said that she made out like crazy. Howard said he was going to take her on vacation with him but she may have taken that wrong.
Robin got Howard a new desk set with a letter opener and a magnifying glass. It was a very expensive set. Howard said that it was just great and he really liked it. He said that the letter opener was nice and he really liked it. It was made of Sterling Silver. Howard read the note that Robin included in the gift and thanked her for that as well. Robin said that she got the set at an antique show that she went to.
Fred said that his gift goes to someone by the name of Adam who works for the Howard Stern tape team. Howard said that everyone should just give out their gifts and say what they got.
Richie Wilson came in and said that he got Artie a dinner with Thurman Munson's family and the rest of the 1970 Yankees. Artie said that was amazing. He really appreciated that. He said that was fantastic. That's happening on February 5th. Howard said that would be so much pressure for him to go to something like that. He said that it was probably great for Artie though. Artie said that it's a little bit of pressure for him but he'd rather do it than not do it. Howard said he'd beat Richie up if he did that for him.
Howard heard that Lisa G had freaked out when she saw Lori's bag. He wanted to know what she got. She hadn't gotten her gift yet. She said that she has to give something to Skippy in Engineering. Artie was still on the gift he got from Richie Wilson.
Artie got Benjy a gift so he gave that to him. Howard had him open that up. He got some incredible books and an iPhone. Benjy said that he's been dying for one and he really liked that. Howard told him that was a great gift. Benjy read the note he got from Artie as well. Gary said that he was asked if that was a regifting of the iPhone. Artie said it wasn't, he got him a new one. Artie also got Benjy a couple of books including the Steve Martin book and a couple of others. Benjy and Artie hugged after that and Howard said it was gross seeing that.
Howard took a call from Siobhan the transsexual who thanked them for the prize money that she got a while back. She said that they were very happy about that. She also said that if they wanted to see the cat portraits that she's doing they could go to ArtMesh.com and look up Siobhan Meow. That led to Howard saying that he doesn't want any listener letters sent home with him. He said that Gary sent home a card from Siobhan recently and he really doesn't want to touch that stuff. He just wants it photocopied. Siobhan is doing drawings of pets and she said that she wants to do them live but Howard doesn't want to do that live.
Robin said that she got wood chimes as a gift. She said this is why they do the Secret Santa thing. Ryan from the tapes team was the one who got Robin's name. Howard asked Ryan what made him get her those chimes. He said that his family has always had them and he grew up near the factory so that's what he got her. He didn't know what else to get for her, she owns a race car. The guys goofed on Ryan about his gift a little bit. Ryan said that she could put them up at her beach house. Howard asked her if she'll do that. She said she doubts that she'll do that.
Howard said that he can't imagine living near a wind chime factory. He said that it must have kept him up because Ryan looks like he doesn't get much sleep. The guys kept goofing on him for a few minutes about the gift and the wind chime thing. Artie said that he met some of Ryan's friends at a comedy show not too long ago and all of his friends looked like they didn't get much sleep.
Ryan said his family always had the wind chimes from Woodstock Chimes so that was the thing he thought of for Robin. He said that everyone else was suggesting that he get her a platter of meats and vegetables. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was Ryan's father and had a bunch of chimes playing in the background. Artie told Ryan that this was a better joke than if he had gotten Robin meats and vegetables.
Howard said he's always hated wind chimes and there was a station down in Philly that played them in the background all the time. He always hated them. He said this makes sense though. If you grow up near a wind chime factory, it only makes sense that you'd give them as a gift. Artie said that Howard lives next to the Mark Jacobs factory so it's a running theme today. Fred said it's a good thing that Ryan didn't grow up near the horse shit factory.
Artie said that he's also hooking Benjy up with a year's worth of service for that iPhone he got him. Howard had to go to break after that.
Robin said she was reading a story about a town that had a menorah and a small Christmas tree and the people there freaked out and said that they can't have a 7 foot tree next to a big menorah. They cut down the living tree and put up a bigger fake one so the menorah wouldn't dwarf it.
Howard had some tape of a guy freaking out about Mit Romney being a Mormon and how his faith is racist. The guy was flipping out about the whole thing and going crazy over this religion. The guy was basically saying that he shouldn't be president because of his beliefs. The other people on the show were trying to get some points out there but the guy was talking over them and complaining about the whole Mormon religion. Howard pointed out that the Christians stood by and watched as the holocaust was going on. He also said that every religion is dopey and they were all created by guys who were trying to get some control.
Howard said that this guy Fred Thompson has a really hot wife and he may have to vote for him just because of that. He said he'd like to look at his wife as the first lady. They talked about how few hot women there have been as first lady. Howard said that Fred Thompson's wife is stripper hot.
Howard said that Fred Thompson wouldn't raise his hand when he was asked if he thinks that Global Climate Change was a problem. Fred Thompson said that he wasn't going to do any hand shows during that debate. He refused to answer to them. The moderator tried to get a show of hands but Thompson refused to do it.
Robin wondered why they were doing a show of hands during a debate. Howard said that it is a problem and he would have just raised his hand. Howard said he thought it was kind of cool that Thompson refused to answer. He said he sounded kind of cool doing that.
Sal came in and said that his secret Santa, Matt the Intern, gave him a Beer League DVD as a gift. He said that was pretty funny. He said that maybe Artie will autograph it later.
Sal said he had some new tape from Rockefeller Center. He asked people if they would come out to see a giant menorah if they had one there. All of the answers were ''no.'' Artie said that he must have edited out some yes answers. Sal said that they were mostly no.
Howard asked Fred what he got for a gift. Fred said his gift was from Joe and he got a long sleeve hoodie. Howard liked it and asked him if he could have it. Fred laughed and said that he wanted it for himself. He thought it was kind of cool. Howard told Robin to try and trade for the wind chimes. Fred said he would do that and he'd like to put them outside of his house for his daughter. Robin and Fred agreed to do the trade.
Robin said that she may want to try and barter with the shirt. She said she may trade up from the shirt to something else.
Howard asked Richard what he got. Richard got a nice motorcycle jacket from Affliction. Jarred Fox, Tim's assistant, got him one. Gary said he thinks that it's about a $700 jacket. Artie said that Jarred must have some scratch.
Gary said that Fred got his guy a great gift. His guy was Adam from Ferrall's show and from the tapes team. Fred gave him $500 in cash. Adam said that he's an intern so that money means a lot to him. Gary said that it was a wad of cash in a bag that Fred gave him to give to Adam.
Howard said that Benjy didn't buy anything for his Secret Santa guy. Benjy said that he's going to take his guy down to the ATM to give him the gift. He didn't get the money on the way in this morning. Benjy's guy was Chris Costa from Howard TV. Howard asked him about what happened with Benjy. Chris said that Benjy went up to another guy and told him that he was going to get him his gift. Benjy thought he was Chris but he had the wrong guy. Benjy said they look the same.
Howard said that he didn't want to waste time with him and thought it was kind of tacky to take the guy down to the ATM to do that. Jason came in and said that Benjy said he had to take him down to the ATM but Benjy claimed that he was told to bring Chris with him by someone else.
Howard told Benjy that he should have had his gift there but Benjy went off on everyone and gave Howard a ''Fuck you!'' and then took it back and gave that to Robin.
Gary said that someone gave Jon Hein his gifts but also asked for some plugs on the Wrap Up Show. Howard said that wasn't cool. Artie said that some of the guys really did get fucked in this whole thing.
One of the Howard TV editors came in and said that he was the one who gave Jon Hein his gift. Jason Katz was his name and he did ask for a plug as a gift back to him. Jon Hein came in after that and said that there was a picture of a hippopotamus on the gift. Jason asked him if he still has it because he thought it looked really cool. Doug Goodstein came in and said that Jason is like an idiot savant because he acts really strange. He said that he wants to punch him in the face sometimes when he's trying to talk to him. He said that he's about on the intelligence level of Miss Howard Stern when it comes to math.
Jason said that the plug was for his YouTube site at YouTube.com/FMLTV. He said that they've done some movies including some stuff with Sal the Stockbroker. He worked on the meat and vegetables thing with Sal for the film festival.
Jason weighed about 300 pounds a couple of years ago but he's lost quite a bit of that. They talked to him about that for a short time before Scott the Engineer came in.
Scott said that Jim McClure got him some comedy books that may help him be funny. Howard thanked him for that and sent him on his way.
Will came in and said that this wasn't what the guy told him he wanted Jeff to do. He wanted Jeff to do some internet marketing. Adam said that's what he wanted to do but he had this other stuff too. He claimed he wasn't trying to get plugs or anything. He said that he wanted Jeff to go out and find them ad space and things like that. Jeff the Drunk said that he doesn't have a computer so he wouldn't be able to do that.
Adam said that he could get Jeff a computer but he needs internet access. The guys told him that won't happen. Howard let Adam get in a plug for his web site ChrisGuitars.com before Howard let him go.
Artie could tell that something was up with Jeff so he tried to find out what it was. Jeff was bummed out but he wasn't sure why. Jeff said that he does miss his mother around the holidays. Robin said that he's probably missing everyone else from the hospital too. Jeff said that he sits at home at his brother's house all day while he works. He let Jeff go a short time later.
Mike Gange came in and said that she calls them all the time asking them to say that she works for them. She doesn't so they can't say that. She said that she needs to do that because she has to go to the bank and get the money for the car. She's not a regular employee with them even though she did some work for them. Howard said that she doesn't have enough money to pay for the car. She said that she does have enough money for the car, just not right now.
Andrea said that she can't lose that car or else she'll freak out. Howard told her to just return the car and she'll be fine. She can't do that. Isaac Mark came in and said that she wants to drive to Paris in the car. Andrea said that she's not going to do this stuff anymore and she wants to run away to Paris. She said she wants to change her life.
Artie asked her what she's doing about her kid. She said that she's going to college next year to learn how to be a counselor. Doug Goodstein came in and said that they're going to go into production for season 2 of her reality show if she moves to Paris. Andrea said she's taking her car and going to Paris and she'll see them there.
Howard told Richard he can't leave a ham on his desk for 2 days. Richard said that didn't happen. He had it on his desk for an hour and a half. He said it came to work on Tuesday, it was frozen in a box and he let it sit on his desk while he finished work. He said it came about 1 and he left at about 5. It was frozen and packed in ice.
Will said that it was packed in a garbage bag. Richard said that's not true and Will is just trying to get him riled up. He said that people are out there enjoying it this morning and Will is trying to ruin it. Artie said that there's no way that he's eating anything that has gone through his house.
Howard said that if people get poisoned because he didn't treat the meat right, he's going to be in trouble. Mike Gange said that the middle of it is still frozen so he must have treated it right. Richard said he put some of it in a microwave to defrost it for the people who wanted it. The guys told him that wasn't the way to defrost a ham though.
Howard said he doesn't trust anything that goes through his apartment either. Richard was going to have a masseuse come in instead but that was out of his price range. He also didn't want to interrupt the show. Richard said he had some turkey out there for the Jews too. Artie wondered why their writers don't have enough money for a masseuse but Tim's assistant can buy a $700 jacket.
Howard read some notes from the Honey Baked Ham web site where they give serving suggestions and say that it should be warmed in an oven if it's warmed at all. They don't recommend heating it in a microwave.
Howard said that Richard tried to do something nice and thanked him for that. He said he had to move along. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that he got an e-mail about Benjy and Ivy asking them not to have them on anymore. Howard said that he got a call from a guy who wanted to help them out with a breast lift that Ivy wanted. Howard had Ivy on the phone so he got her on and brought up that sex tape that he played earlier.
Howard said that Ivy could get this breast lift if they got in some plugs for this doctor. Howard said he knew nothing about this guy though. He said that Benjy and Ivy found him.
Howard was going to play this tape of Ivy getting fingered by Benjy. He asked Ivy if it was for real. She said that it was for real and he has hands from God or something because he's phenomenal. Robin said she thinks that it would be gross to have Benjy's fingers inside of her. Howard played some of the tape as Ivy was moaning. She laughed when she heard it over the phone.
Howard let the clip play and you can hear Benjy kind of moaning along with Ivy. Ivy wasn't even sure if that was her. She asked how she could know if it was her. Benjy said that he's read a lot of books about G spots and stuff like that and he's learned a lot.
Artie said that it sound more like Benjy is telling a family that he just moved in next door to them the way she was moaning.
Howard played more of the tape and Ivy was very vocal with him as she was getting off. She was moaning loud and Howard said that really turns him on. Fred asked if maybe Benjy was sitting on her and that's what she was moaning for.
Howard asked Benjy how long they've been going out. Ivy said that it's been about a month now. She doesn't want to leave his apartment. She was there as they spoke. Howard heard that Ivy forced Benjy to eat with his feet. He said they were just messing around and he showed her how he could still eat even though he was handcuffed.
Howard played some more of the sex tape and couldn't believe how into it she sounded. He asked Benjy what she was doing to him. He said that she was probably playing with him at the time. He said that he's much more confident with his hands and he likes to do that before he does anything else. He said he didn't remember what he did after that hand job thing.
Howard said that someone like John Stamos probably doesn't have to work that hard with a girl. Poor Benjy has to work really hard and get carpel tunnel using his hand on that.
Beth said she was just over at FOX Business and Alexis Glick was wearing the exact same dress as she was. She changed before she came in there.
Gary said that he was out in the green room and heard the moaning so he had to turn down the radio for her because she was embarrassed by what she was hearing.
Howard said that Beth came to him the other night and said that they hired her to promote this web site Giftscriptions.com so she came in to promote that today. She said that it's a really cool site where you can give gift subscriptions for Christmas. She said she was promoting that and also the new Stiletto 2 SIRIUS radio and also the North Shore Animal League stuff as well.
Howard said that Beth walked in and showed off the dress that she was going to wear to FOX and he told her it was good to wear because they have such hot chicks over there. Then she goes on and the woman interviewing her was wearing the same thing.
Beth said that she had a dress on for Howard today but she wasn't going to be wearing that to the other shows she was doing today. She's doing a bunch of stuff around town and even there at SIRIUS.
Howard told Beth about the gifts that the guys got there today for the Secret Santa thing. They went over that real quick and then Howard got back to the Ivy and Benjy tape. He told Beth that it was Benjy using his finger on Ivy. Beth sounded surprised by that. Howard played more of the tape and found out that Benjy probably had 2 or 3 fingers in her.
Howard said that Ivy knew that she was being taped so Beth said that she was probably putting it on for the recording. Beth asked if Benjy and Ivy are in love. Benjy said that he has love for her but he wouldn't say he was '' in love'' with her. Ivy said that she loves Benjy though.
Howard played more of the tape of Ivy getting off and told Beth she has to start making some noise. Beth said that she's sorry but she just doesn't do that. She told Howard that he's really good in bed though. Ivy said that she's noisy like that with anyone, not just Benjy. Howard told Beth that he really likes that dress she's wearing.
Howard let Ivy go after that and thanked her for coming in. Benjy told Howard that he should look into giving a cervical orgasm. He was describing that and Beth said that she's so happy that she came in with her sponsor and agent today. She said it was humiliating.
Beth said that everyone was asking about their wedding. Howard said he hopes that this marriage works out because he doesn't want to be a two time loser. Beth said that they've been together for 7 years now and it will work. Robin said that only 50 percent of marriages fail. Howard said that most people either divorce or live in misery. Robin said that there is that small percentage of marriages that really work out well though.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what web site is the best to go to so he can rub one out to Beth's picture. She said that there are a lot on NorthShoreAnimalLeague.org. Double A was there so maybe he could fill the guy in.
Beth said that she's going to be running in the New York City Marathon next year and she's hoping to get some people to support her in that. Howard said that he thinks that she's going to pass out during that because she's really not trained right to run that far. She said that she's probably going to be drinking diet Dr. Pepper instead of water during the run.
Artie talked about how hard he crashed yesterday during the show after eating so much crap. Howard told Beth about the crap he ate and how he had fallen asleep during a hot chick segment. Robin described what she saw him doing early in the morning with the cupcakes around his lips and stuff like that.
The Howard TV guys showed Artie sleeping there in the studio and the guys goofed on him a little bit. Artie said that he really did look like a baby gorilla there in that shot. Beth said that he's so cute though. That led to them talking about how Artie had stayed at their house in the Hamptons over the summer and slept until after noon. They thought he had died in the room.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Beth looked gorgeous today even though he didn't see her. He asked if the gift subscriptions were available in Canada. She wasn't sure and told him to check out the web site.
Howard said that Double A was there in an elf costume. Beth said that they're so mean to him. Howard said they had to do something with him to let him in there. Double A came in a short time later dressed up in his little elf outfit. He started talking about how hot Beth was as soon as he got in there.
Beth said that Double A looked cute in the outfit and noticed the belly he had. Double A told her that he's been drinking a lot. Fred noticed that he must do some tanning or something because the tan looked odd on the side of his neck. He said he looked like a tan meatball.
Double A said that he likes to stay tan so when he goes away on vacation he doesn't get burned. Howard said that tanning is kind of gay. Beth said that it's also dangerous. She told him to use a tanning spray or something. Howard told Double A that he looks really good in that elf outfit and he should go around like that all day long.
Beth said that she might have to wear that gold chain or Double A's during her next interview. She said she's got a bunch of stuff to do today. She talked about some of the other interviews she's done already and how they were asking her about the merger. She said that she just said that Howard was hopeful for the merger.
Ham Hands Bill called in and told Double A to have more respect for Haydn Porter when he comes on the show. Double A said that's old news. Howard asked Bill what he'd do to Robin if he had the chance to see her. He talked about what he'd like to see her in and how he'd take her out to dinner and kiss her on the cheek and smell her hair. He said that he'd kiss her chest and ask her to get on all fours and have her take her panties off and then see her butt cheeks.
Bill said that he'd like to do the same to Beth so the guys told him to take it easy there. Bill said he'd need Howard's permission first. Bill said that he wouldn't use vaseline on her, she'd have to be all natural. Bill said that he was on back in May and his Howard TV show was never put on and he'd like to see it sometime. Howard said that he'd see what he could do for him. He let him go and took some more calls.
Bong Hit Eric called in and said that he saw Beth do an interview a while back and she looked really hot. He said that some of his friend went out and adopted some dogs after seeing her. Beth thanked him for that and said that they really need more people to do that. She said that the dog she brought on one show with her was adopted by a 95 year old woman who saw her on that show.
Bong Hit was trying to help out the North Shore Animal League by auctioning off some stuff he had. Howard passed on all of that stuff but Beth thanked him for the offer.
Howard threw some kisses to Beth and then Double A told her how great she was for doing all of this stuff she does for the pets. Double A also said that he went out and adopted a dog. He said he named the dog Hottie. He claims he still has it but Howard figured the dog was dead by now.
Howard told Double A that he and Beth are going to be married soon. Double A said that he hopes he gets an invitation and said that he'll give them his address. Beth said that they have some stuff in mind for where they're going to hold the party. She said that they spoke to the owner and they're 99.9 percent sure that's where they'll do it.
Howard said that he's not going to wear a tux or anything to the party. He said that he'll wear a suit after Beth told him he'd have to do that at least. Howard asked Beth what name she wanted to use. She said ''Beth Ostrosky-Stern.'' Howard asked her if she was sure about that. He said that her name is a hard one to say so maybe she should drop it. Howard said that he thinks that she wants to be Beth Stern but she's just saying that she wants to keep her last name. Beth said that maybe she could make it ''Beth O Stern.''
Robin said that this is why Howard is still in therapy. He's making up Beth's mind for her. Artie said that this is probably the way he gets her to leave parties with him. He probably asks her if she's sure she doesn't want to leave a party when he's ready to leave.
Howard said that his therapist talks about him thinking about having kids and he just says that there's no way he's going to think about that. He wants nothing to do with having another kid. Beth said he won't even let her have another pet. Howard said that you can't have more than one pet in a New York City apartment. Robin said she had 4 in one apartment and it was fine.
Beth said that everyone has to see their Christmas card. They have a picture of Howard holding some kids and a listener had sent it to them. They had all of Angelina and Brad Pitt's kids in the picture. They even signed it with the kid's names.
Howard talked about Beth taking the last name again and thought that she really didn't want his last name. She said that she can't wait to take his last name. They spent a few minutes goofing around with that idea.
Beth got in some more plugs for this gift subscription thing and everyone was talking about what a great gift idea that is. Howard wrapped up and said that he had to go to break but Double A said that Beth should have her own magazine. They spent a short time coming up with magazine names for her. Double A said that it should just be pictures of Beth O and it would be a best seller if she did that. He told her how hot she is a few times and then said that he was getting wood just looking at her. He was holding his gift box over his erection.
Artie asked if Howard ever told Beth about how he jerked off thinking about Beth before he even met her. He saw her in ''Flirting with Disaster'' and beat off to her. Today he said that he was going to say that it was the other chick in the movie with her since he and Beth are friends now.
Beth also told Artie that Jessica Alba is pregnant. Artie said that her career is over now. He was a big fan of hers though. Howard said that Double A has a big boner and he wondered why he can't control that. Double A didn't want to move the box away from his penis but Robin said she saw something poking out there. Robin said that their little elf was a tripod. Howard asked him what was getting him worked up like that. He said that he was thinking about her ass. He couldn't even see it though.
Double A thanked Howard for letting him come in and stand between the two hottest chicks. Beth thought he was very sweet for saying that. Howard went to break after that.
Gary said that by the time they figure out what to do about that, they'll be gone. He said that they're trying to find an alternative place to work because they want them on the air even if there is some kind of disaster. It would either be in Queens or New Jersey. Howard said he'll have to talk to some people about that.
Howard said that Greg Fitzsimmons was going to sit in during the gossip game today. Gary came in and said that there's something odd going on in the office. Scott DePace gave everyone a Christmas card except for Jason. He hates Jason so much he won't give him a card. Howard said that's really not cool. He said that you can't do that.
Scott came in and said that it's a waste of paper to give Jason a card. He said that Jason wouldn't want one anyway. Jason said he really doesn't care. Scott said that he's not his friend and there's no reason for that.
Jason claimed that Scott won't talk to him during show hours and he'll make a beeping sound to block him out. Scott said he only does that when he talks politics.
Howard let the two of them go and moved on to Greg Fitzsimmons who had come in during the argument. Greg joked that he got everyone gifts but they had to go down to Western Union to get the money.
Howard said that Greg was supposed to have Jimmy Kimmel on his Monday night show but he backed out. Greg said that he wasn't able to do it last Monday and then he found out that he and Howard are doing something this Monday so he can't do it then. Howard told Greg he didn't find out anything and tried to quiet down whatever it was he found out.
A woman called in and told Artie that he is a fag for agreeing to stop using that word. She said that the word is used by everyone in the area she lives in and it's fun to use. Howard said that he can still use ''queer'' if he wants. He won't be fined for that.
Howard said he had to take a break but he had a bunch of stuff to play so he wanted to get some of that done too. He said that Sal and Richard made a prank call to a public access show and goofed on this guy who had some young women on his show. The girls were from something called Pink Positive New York. Richard was the first one to call in and said that the girls were doing something very positive and it doesn't matter what color you are because it's all pink on the inside. They hung up on him and then Sal called in and started talking to them about his life and had some feedback come through his phone. He kept getting irritated with the host and told him that this wasn't supposed to be funny. He then said that he bashed his wife over the head with a radio when she refused to turn it down. Richard called in again and did another voice as he rambled on and on about nothing. They hung up on him but he kept calling in over and over again saying goofy stuff to the guy.
Greg Fitzsimmons said that he was wearing a Notre Dame sweatshirt today and he was out talking to Gary when he started talking about all of the sweatshirt's of the guys that live near him and he said ''Dart mouth'' when he mentioned Dartmouth. That led to Howard and the guys goofing on Gary for a few minutes about that screw up. Gary said that he corrected himself before anyone corrected him on that. Howard had to go to break a short time later. He gave Greg some plugs for the appearances he was making at Comix NY this weekend. You can find out more about where Greg is appearing at Myspace.com/fitzdog
Howard said that they do have enough Christmas songs to play for the hour long special he was talking about with Sal yesterday. He played some of the Christmas special that they had done back at K-Rock a couple of years back. He had one song where he and Beth were singing a song parody to each other to the tune of ''The Little Drummer Boy.'' Howard said he was singing his ass off during that song. Robin said that the engagement chicken mentioned in that song apparently worked.
Howard played another song where everyone on the show sang ''Favorite Things.'' He played a couple of the other songs that they sang during that Christmas special. He said they had a lot. Artie said that was from a full year and a half before they moved to satellite.
One of the songs was Daniel Carver singing a special version of ''White Christmas'' with a special appearance from Robin. Howard said that Robin sings like an angel in that song. There was one bit where Artie talked to Gary the Retard and kept calling him a ''Re-taaad'' throughout the bit. Then Gary breaks into ''All I Want for Christmas is My 11 Front Teeth.''
There was another bit where Sal was asking Beetlejuice about his letter to Santa Claus and how he celebrates the holiday. Howard said he'd listen to a special if they had all of these songs in it. Artie said that he met a guy recently who had the ''Mozzarella Balls'' song on his iPhone. That led to Howard playing that song. Howard said that song was nice. Greg said that Artie had a lot of energy back then.
Greg said that just as he was at ''half mast'' the front door opens and 3 cops bust in. He said that they started questioning everyone while he was putting on his underwear. He said the cop told him he was free to go so he got out of there. He later found out that the guy in the back gave her a $100 bill and he was supposed to get change. Greg figured that was bull.
Greg said that he walked outside and there were 3 cop cars out there and people were looking at him like he was ''that guy'' who had just been busted. Meanwhile he was just getting a massage and he had a coupon.
Howard asked him if the chick was hot. He said that she wasn't hot but she was okay and if she had started in on him, he wasn't sure if he'd be able to stop. He said he heard that when they do that stuff they're not even into it and it's like they're milking a cow. Artie had one done up in Toronto one time and after he was done he had to go next door and get an eclair from the bakery. He said that it was like heaven. He said that it was probably the most relaxed he'd ever been.
Howard said that Greg is hosting the Adult Video News Awards this year, again. They managed to get the show on Showtime. Benjy and Richard were going to present an award there but now Paul Fishbein has told them no now that they're on Showtime. Greg said that he's not sure if that's why they've been rejected. He said that they may not want to piss off 5000 porn stars at once.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that this is a big disappointment. He said that they're probably afraid to let them do something goofy but these aren't the Academy Awards. Richard said he was going to go out there covered in Mayonnaise as a tribute to his favorite porn star. Robin said that it's odd that the porn industry is afraid of them and they're embarrassed by them.
Greg said that he's not sure what the real reason is but he'll throw in a plug for the Stern Show during the event. Howard told him not to worry about it. He doesn't want him to do any favors.
Greg said that he had Belladonna on his show last week and he thinks that she'd be great on Howard's show. He said that she once had a fist in her vagina and in her ass at the same time.
Greg told Howard about some of the stuff he likes to watch as far as porn goes. He said he shows his wife some of this weird stuff that he gets off on. Greg told Howard that they're not rejecting Benjy and Richard as a snub to Howard, they just want the show to go the way they want it to go.
Howard moved on to Jon Hein after that and said that they'll be talking about the Secret Santa stuff and Beth O's visit. Howard said that Gary was trying to tell him a story about Beth in the green room but he didn't understand it. Gary said that he saw her in the green room and he had to avert his eyes so he wouldn't look up her dress like he does to other guests they have on the show.
Jon said they'll be talking about Gary's dog problem, Jeff the Drunk's job offer and a lot more. Howard took a call after that. The caller said that the show was great today.
Howard said the guys had a clip of this Belladonna chick crying on a news program. He played the clip where she was talking about her life and how she suffered through her life. She said that she's really not a happy person. Greg said that she's actually very fascinating and talked about some of the stuff she talked about when he interviewed her.
Greg said that Belladonna has done just about everything she possibly could in the porn industry. He said that when you talk to these women they have something going on in their life where they're disassociated from their bodies.
Howard had Mutt on the phone to promote his Superfan Roundtable show. He said they'll be talking about the Secret Santa thing. They'll also talk about what they'll be doing on Friday mornings when Bubba moves to mornings in terrestrial radio. They'll come up with some ideas for what they could replace it with. Howard said he'll have to listen to that.
Ralph called in and said that Gary's a fag for not checking Beth out. He said that he checks her out at Howard's apartment sometimes when she changes outfits. There's nothing wrong with that. He said that he'll tell Beth to put on as many outfits as she can while he's hanging out there. He said that in one outfit her nipples were kind of hard and it was hot. He said he just appreciates a sexy lady.
Ralph also told Howard to say fuck you to Paul Fishbein. That guy has been coming on the show forever and now he's dissing the show by not letting the guys from the show come on. Greg said he thinks that it's a misunderstanding and they're just trying to do what's right for the show.
Sal came in a short time later and said that he was 17 at the time and he was eating out this fat chick that his two buddies had banged. He said that they didn't cum inside her so he wasn't eating cum. Gary said that he's not sure that the guys didn't finish in her because Sal's story has changed since that day.
Howard said he got a note from a fan where the guy wanted to bet them that they couldn't identify this song. It was a 46 second clip. Howard said he'd bet the guy and he'd love to win $100. Gary told Howard where the clip was and Howard guessed that it was Knights in White Satin. It was just a guitar playing the song. Howard sang along to it but Robin said that it wouldn't be that. Howard read the note from the guy and he was looking for an answer because he didn't know himself.
Howard said that he mentioned this Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner problem he has in his building. They live there and there are paparazzi all over the place. He said that the press picked up on it and they're trying to make it seem like he hates them or something. He said that the E! web site has a story where the goof on him saying that he used to do a show for them over there and they didn't know that anyone even listened to him anymore. Howard went off on them over there and how much their whole fuckin' channel sucks now. He told that guy Ted Harbert over there to keep his name off his lame web site.
Howard read through that article (Howard Stern Doesn't Share Our Violet Love) and goofed on them over there. He said that Ryan Seacrest is doing shows for them now. That's how lame they've gotten. Howard went off on Ted Harbert and said that he's committing career suicide by goofing on him. He said that he's going to concentrate on ruining his life if that's what he wants to do. He said that he just got his girlfriend a job over there on the air. That led to Artie saying that he thought that chick was really boring and figured that she had to be blowing someone there to get the job.
Howard suggested that Ted leave his name off their web site. He helped them make that network over there and put them on the map. They should be kissing his ass.
Artie said that there must have been a misunderstanding because he never got the message. Paul said that the people at Showtime wanted bigger names to do the show. They're looking for big celebrities and girls to get on stage. Howard said it seems that they're being squeezed out now. Paul said that's not the case. He said that he will get Richard and a girl on stage this year. Artie said that he'd present, it sounds like fun to him.
Paul said that it's January 12th. Artie said that he can do it if Richard and a girl get on stage. Paul told Greg that he's very glad that he's doing the show again. Doug Goodstein came in and said that they let Paul come on the show without the A-list porn stars and they don't give him shit about that. Ralph also called in and said that he should tell Showtime that he has obligations to someone who helped build his brand and make them let those guys on the show.
Howard let Paul off the hook and let him go. Ralph said that he can't wait for Richard to do something really embarrassing on that show. Howard had Robin get to her news after that.
Greg said that he saw KC out in Los Angeles recently and he's huge these days. He asked him if he's doing steroids and KC just said ''Yeah!'' like he was all proud of it.
Howard had to take a break during the news. After the break we heard another prank call that Sal and Richard had made to this call in show that they call often. Howard came back and gave Greg some plugs. He also mentioned that the guy who made the Christmas card for him was Roger Memmolo. He said he had to get out of there soon so he wanted to know where Robin was. He got in some more plugs for some stuff while he waited for Robin to return. He did a commercial for Rob Zombie's remake of ''Halloween.''
Robin came back and got into some more news stories. Howard took a phone call from a guy named Claire who said that Howard had a big breakthrough this week when he said ''forward slash'' during a live commercial for a website. The guy said that this was the first time Howard had said it correctly. But the caller said that when Howard read Greg's MySpace address he incorrectly said backslash again. Howard said he always thought that it was a backslash and still did. He still didn't know that it was a forward slash. Benjy and Claire explained to Howard that the top of the forward slash points forward and the top of the backslash points backward. Howard said that guy was fucking annoying. He hung up on him after that.
Greg said that he gets some really crazy people who call in on his show and he's kind of afraid to bring them in to do the show. He said that one guy went nuts on him when he told him he couldn't come in. Howard said that he's not sure how he does that, he just hires everyone.
Robin read a story about some glowing cats that the Koreans have cloned. Howard said that this cloning thing is cool and they should allow it in this country. He said he's not sure what a glowing orange cat could do to help us out but it sounded interesting. Artie said that he's not into pets but if there really was such a thing, he'd probably have to get it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the song he played earlier was a Fleetwood Mac song called ''Oh Well.'' Howard thanked him for that and said that the guy who offered them the $100 owes this caller the money.
Robin read the news about Ike Turner passing away. She said there were a lot of headlines like ''Ike Turner Beats Tina Turner To Death'' and stuff like that. Artie said that he's taking Ike's side in that whole thing and doesn't believe that Ike beat Tina.
The guys spent some time talking about Ike Turner's death. Artie joked that he had a really clumsy girlfriend who would fall down the stairs and get bruised. They covered that up by telling people that he beat her. Robin had Howard play some Ike Turner audio clips after that. She had a bunch of clips that they went through. Greg said that it's funny how beating a woman overshadows all of the stuff that you've accomplished in your life. A lot of these people in the clips were talking about how much of a pioneer Ike was.
Robin read a story about the American Idol singers and had Howard playing some of their new music from their album which isn't selling much. Robin read another story about someone who claims that David Chase stole some ideas for the Sopranos. They're going to court over that.
Robin read a story about Wal-Mart selling clothes from sweat shops. She didn't think that was new news but went with it anyway. Howard said he thinks that's good, it makes for some inexpensive clothes. Robin read a story about a 1 year old girl who had two deceased triplets that were inside the girl's body. She had basically eaten her twins. Artie joked that he did the same thing, he was originally quintuplets.
Robin read through a few more stories about the Golden Globe award nominees and about the new movie ''I Am Legend'' movie that opens this weekend. She said that it's kind of a remake of a couple of movies that she liked years ago.
Howard thanked Robin for her news and wished everyone Happy Holidays. He gave Greg some plugs and let Artie get in some plugs for the Toward Theatre show he's doing on New Year's Eve. He's also doing shows at Caroline's next Tuesday and Wednesday night. He said that he's also in the January issue of Playboy. Greg also threw in one last plug for his Midnight show that he does next Monday on Howard 101. Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Gary said that everyone got pissed the day that Howard mentioned they were going to do the secret Santa thing. Then they finally decided that they were doing it today and they started getting e-mail from people who didn't want to do it. The Howard TV guys were really upset and sent out some mail so Doug Goodstein had to get them under control.
Gary said that it was very odd because people like Fred were giving out bags of cash to people they didn't even know. Jon said that he got a gift from someone and the guy wanted a plug for a web site. JD said that he wishes that he could have given more than he did. He mumbled through his comments and his Secret Santa guy was Gary. Gary said that he knows that JD doesn't make a lot of money and he wasn't expecting anything big. He said that he's the one who should be buying him something. JD said that he got a $50 gift certificate from the guy who had to buy him a gift. He thought that was too much money though.
Gary said that he used to be up around 23 gifts every Christmas and that makes for tough shopping. This year there was a lot less pressure. Doug Goodstein came in and said that there were some people who were upset. He said that he and Gary got into something with Jason over it and it was kind of embarrassing that his employees were upset with it and didn't let him know.
Doug said that he bought over 50 gifts for people and he likes to give. He said it's very personal for him and he sees that these people appreciate them. He said that it's a nice end of the year gesture to give gifts. Gary said that 50 gifts is a lot. Doug said that he's really stressed out and he feels he has to do it. Gary told him that he really doesn't have to do that though.
Doug gave Richard a nice Fossil bag that he really likes. Richard was also wearing his jacket that Jarred bought for him. Richard said that he probably wouldn't take it off and he'd even be showering in that. Jarred came in and said that he didn't spend that much money on the jacket. He said that he knows the guy that runs the company and he asked for some favors. He heard that Ronnie tried to do the same thing and he wasn't able to pull it off.
Gary said that Jarred has a very big fan in George Takei. Richard said he really appreciates the gift and he thinks that Jarred is ''dashing.'' He said he was just kidding about the jacket when he told him about it a couple of months ago.
Richard also talked about the ham he brought in for everyone and how hardly anyone was eating it. He said he know that some people wouldn't touch it. He said that most of it is gone now though so he was happy about that. He was trying to do something nice for the staff. Greg Fitzsimmons said that it's like when a retarded guy gives you a sick and you take it and say thanks.
Greg was telling the guys that he thinks that Jarred is going to be one of these guys who is going to be working with the big guys at some company some day so they should be kissing his ass.
Jon took a phone call from a guy who thought this was a great show today with everyone saying ''fuck you'' to each other after the gift giving. Gary said that it was kind of crazy last year when they wanted to throw gifts into a wood chipper. That led to the guys talking about Robin's wind chimes and how much she disliked the gift. John played a clip of that part of the show where she revealed the gift.
Richard said that reminds him of when the Queen of England gets something from a pauper and she rejects it. Greg said that he had some wind chimes up at his house one time and his neighbor took them down and threw them in the garbage with a note saying that he'd break his arms if he put them back up again. Gary said he had to ask for some to be taken down one time too because they were so annoying.
Jon asked Gary whose gift was the nicest. Gary said it was Howard who gave Lori the intern the Mark Jacobs bag with a $1000 gift certificate to Bloomingdale's. Benjy thought that his gift was nice too. He got an iPhone and service for a year. Gary said that it's not going to make it easier to get a hold of him.
Richard said that he loves his gift and he was so excited that he was going to cum. Gary said that Richie Wilson's gift to Artie was also awesome. Artie is going to dinner with Thurman Munson's family in a couple of months.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that the whole concept of Secret Santa is for people who make the same kind of money, not when you have millionaires sitting there giving just one gift. Gary said that the understand the concept and that's the comedic value of it. Gary said that's why it's funny.
Gary asked who broke Howard's rule of only buying a gift for their Secret Santa person. Almost everyone said that they did. Benjy said that he will. Gary told Benjy that nothing is coming from Howard this year. He was still thinking that it was. Benjy said he liked Artie's gift to him but he really expected something huge like Artie getting him an apartment or something.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Baba Booey is always counting other people's money. He said that he was kind of putting JD down by saying that he doesn't make a lot of money. Gary said that JD really doesn't make a lot of money and he doesn't think that people realize that. He's trying to put stuff in context by saying that.
The caller was also saying that he hates Artie almost as much as that guy Claire who calls in. Gary asked him why. The guy said that he has no wit and he's just not funny. Gary asked him if he laughs at all. The guy said that he really doesn't laugh at Artie that much.
Jon brought up Scott DePace and how he didn't give Jason a Christmas card. Gary said that it's just a card though, it's not that big of a deal. He said that he is making a statement when he does something like that and it is wrong. He said that it's just a card so why not just give it to him? He was basically saying that he doesn't like Jason by not giving him the car.
Gary said that they almost got into a fight because Jason hung the picture of Scott's kids up on the door and wrote something about how he'd kill himself if Scott was his father. Jason came in and said that it's a babyish move for him to do. He said that he bought Scott something last year and gave him the gift and tried to make a gesture toward him. He said that he's apparently not as mature as him.
Scott came in and said that he doesn't like Jason, that's why he didn't give him the card. Jason said that he didn't even write anything in his card, it was just a printed card with a picture. Jason said that he was just showing that he's a bigger loser than him. Scott laughed and asked ''I'm the loser?''
Jason and Scott went at each other for a couple of minutes about that nonsense. Gary said that he doesn't get this whole thing. Jason said it's simple, Scott just hates him. Jason said that he likes to get under Scott's skin. Scott said that he doesn't want him in his life and having to work with him really sucks.
Gary asked if it's true that when Jason wants to talk to Scott, he has to go through a third party. Scott said that's not true but Jason said that's bull and he does have to go through someone else. Jason also told Scott that he's immature and a loser and he wants him to stay away from him. Gary said that they really have to straighten this out before someone loses an eye. Jason threw out that Scott hates Jews and he wants everyone to know that. Gary separated them before they left the studio so there wouldn't be any fist fights after that comment.
Ralph said he got Scott DePace a box of cigars since he was his Secret Santa. He said he was going to make a donation to the Hillary Clinton campaign as a joke but he decided against that.
Greg said that he donated to a charity a few years back and used Howard's name when he did that. Then Howard went off on him on the air for doing that because he thinks that doing stuff like that is lame.
Gary said that he read that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt made some crazy donation to some charity for like $15 million. Greg said that they buy homes for like $20 million and they're worth like $40 million two years later.
Greg said that he used to steal blank gift cards from Starbucks and give those as gifts when he was working on the Ellen show. He said that they usually forget about it a few weeks after he gives the gifts so it was no big deal.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Billy West was on Greg's show and he was upset with Ralph over something. Greg said that Billy told him about something he did and freaked him out. He said that Ralph grabbed his hair one day on the show and it bothered him. He's scared of Ralph and it pissed him off that he did that. Ralph didn't remember that and told Billy to get over it already. Jon said that the offer is out there to have him back on the show so he's hoping that he comes back.
Ralph made some comments about Billy and how some of his voices are very much alike. The guys didn't agree with him and said that he's one of the biggest voice talents out there.
A caller from Canada called in and told Greg to just shut the fuck up already, it's like he's taking over the show today. Greg goofed on him a little bit about that.
Sal the Stockbroker was in and said that he got an Artie Lange DVD from his Secret Santa guy. He also got a ''History for Dummies'' book. Gary said he thought that was pretty funny. Jon asked Sal about the comments he made about working for a billionaire and getting a gift from an intern. Sal said he was just goofing around and figured that Howard would give him something when he walked past his office after the show. He said Howard just walked past the office and ignored him as usual.
The guys were talking about the gift that Howard got for Lori the intern and how excited Lisa G was over that. Sal said that it's just a bag and she should get over it already. Sal's wife is always buying expensive bags too so he complained about that. He said that he's a sucker and it keeps his wife happy so that's why he buys that stuff.
Jon said that he got a note from someone saying that Sal said something about working there for 3 years and saying ''I've worked here for 3 years and get dick...'' Jim McClure heard him say that when he saw Lisa G going nuts over that Mark Jacobs bag. Sal said that he was recording Lisa G at the time and he wasn't really upset. Benjy said that Sal has literally gotten dick working there.
The guys had to wrap up the show a short time later. Everyone got in their plugs and holiday wishes since they're off for the next few weeks.
Howard started off the show talking to Robin and singing along to a song that Fred was playing. He was trying to do a rock star move but Robin told him he had it all wrong. She told him that she was watching Slash the other day in a video and he was doing it the right way.
Howard said he had some funny stuff to play this morning. He said they had a new commercial that they'd like to hear. He played the commercial and it was a commercial for Crackhead Bob as the new front man for Van Halen. They had Bob singing Van Halen songs in a way that they were almost unintelligible.
Howard and Robin were laughing their asses off at the bit. They talked about how funny Crackhead Bob's speech is and how he starts off almost every word with the letter D. Howard said he saw Crackhead Bob down there yesterday and he looked like Curly from the Three Stooges with his head shaved.
Robin talked about how David Lee Roth isn't in the band now and Sammy Hagar is out. Howard said they can't get either one of them on the show. Gary said that he has nothing to say about the split and neither of them want to come on the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they should play that bit all day long. He said it was great. Howard asked Fred if they had any outtakes from that recording session. Fred said that he has a few things that he'll have Scott run off later. He and Jackie talked about what they had to go through to get him to sing those songs.
Jackie said that Bob can't even read so it was tough to get him to say the lines. He can't read so they had to walk him through the whole thing. Fred said that Bob really wanted to try and get it right but it was tough for him.
Howard asked Ralph if this was true. He laughed and said that of course it didn't. Then he asked the guy on the phone where it happened. The guy told Ralph who found him and where it was that they caught him. Howard asked where Ralph's hands were when he was making out with the guy. The caller said that his hands were in his own pants, not in the other guy's pants.
Gary said that he had a woman leave him one night when he went to pleasure himself while they were messing around. Howard said that there are some girls who won't even move their own hand so you have to take their hand and put it down there and move it yourself. He said that you have to tell them to pretend that it was their idea to put their hand down there and do that stuff.
The caller told Howard that this was true and that's all he knows. Howard let him go after that. Ralph said that maybe the guy just saw him with an ugly girl or something.
Howard said that if Ralph was really going to do something gay, he'd do it in his apartment, not out on the street. Howard said he called Ralph one night and he gave him phone sex. He said that he was talking about being in his towel and being all wet from his shower. Howard kicked Ralph out of the studio after that. Robin said that was a good way to start off the morning.
The caller said that he was in Vietnam too and talked about that. He said that this thing isn't over with yet. Howard said this guy isn't off base either, there's some stuff in the news about this today. Gary came in with an article about it and showed it to Howard. They spent a few minutes talking about that. Howard said that they really have to blow those countries off the map over there. The caller said that they really do have to take Iran out before they can take us out.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who said that OJ Simpson was at a party the other night and ended up getting into an altercation. Howard wondered how OJ has time for a party while he has no time to do anything himself. He said he'd like to be out at a party. The caller told Howard about what happened with OJ and the girl that he got into the altercation with. He said that it was woman who looked like a model. The guy claimed that he was there at the party and saw what went on.
The caller claimed to be a cop and said that he was doing security over there. He said that OJ came back after the fight and joked about it like it was no big deal. Howard said he liked the story but he's not sure if it's true.
Howard let the caller go and took another one from a guy who also brought up OJ and how he's supposed to be opening a restaurant. Howard said they heard about that. He took another call from the guy who asked Howard to commentate on what happened after the fight at Madison Square Garden last week. Howard said that there was a better fight after the fight. Gary told Howard that Tom Chiusano was there. He heard some stuff about it as well.
Tom came in and said that Gulata was beating the crap out of Bo during the fight. He said there were a lot of low blows and stuff and he was beating him so bad that even with the points deducted for low blows, he was still winning.
Howard said that after the fight the fans got pissed about the way things went and they ended up disqualifying Gulata because of the low blows. Tom said that Rock Newman ran into the ring and over to Gulata's corner and the next thing they knew, the whole Bo posse was over there swinging. One of the guys was smashing Gulata in the back of the head with a walkie talkie or something. The black guys were beating the crap out of the white guys like crazy. Howard said he used to get beaten up in Roosevelt like that when he was a kid. He said the kids would hit him hard and fast.
Howard and Tom talked about the fight for a few minutes. Tom said that they eventually stopped the fight for a couple of minutes and then he wanted to get his ass out of that place. Then the fight started again and then they stopped it. It happened a couple of times. Tom said he saw a woman kicking the crap out of someone a few rows ahead of him. Gary said that he's seen some fights like that before.
Tom said that George Forman was commentating on the fight and he had to turn and look at the crowd to make sure that they weren't thinking about fighting them. Gary told Howard about some of the stuff that was going on too. Tom said that Michael Buffer was there too so they should get him on the phone. Howard said that Buffer is supposed to come in at some point.
Tom said that there were more cops outside the event than there were inside. He said that the cops eventually showed up inside with night sticks and stuff. They got the people out of there eventually. Tom said it was actually safer outside than it was inside because there were so many cops out there.
The caller said he had to get going to work after that. Howard let him go and continued to talk about the fight and how they seem to be trying to keep it quiet in the news. They don't want to rile up the people out there since it was a white and black fight.
Howard wondered if there was going to be a rematch. Tom said there should be but it probably wouldn't be there in New York City. The guys spent a few more minutes talking about that. Gary asked Howard what he would do if something like that happened on this show. Howard said he'd replay it over and over. Gary said that HBO refuses to replay it but they are sending a copy over to them so they can see it.
Steve Grillo came in, out of breath, to talk about something that he had heard about. He told Howard about that and Gary was telling Howard about some of the other stuff he saw at the fight. He saw one guy get knocked down and put on a stretcher. They ended up taking him out on the stretcher but the people were trying to knock that over.
Tom told Howard about the way the fight was going toward the end and how Bo was trying to lay down and stop the low blows toward the end. Howard thanked Tom for his comments on the fight and let him go.
Howard replayed the Crackhead Bob commercial that he played at the start of the show. Howard said that might be the funniest thing he's ever heard. He said that they're going to make something up for the E! show based on the song.
Howard asked Fred if he had the ''making of'' clips from that Crackhead Bob thing. They had it ready but Howard ended up talking about making his movie and how they shot stuff for a behind the scenes type of thing for that. He said that someone from Entertainment Tonight came down and interviewed him for that show. He said that she was interviewing him and he was telling her about the love scene that he did with his movie wife. He said that he tried to slip her the tongue during that scene. He said that they don't really kiss too much during rehearsals though.
Robin said that Howard tried to do that during a reading of the script one time and Mary had to tell him they don't do that.
Howard said that this woman from Entertainment Tonight was doing the interview so he asked her if she wanted to do a love scene with him. She agreed to do it so Howard moved in and tried to slip her the tongue. He said that she was married and they ended up putting a big heart over their kiss so no one could see it. He thinks that she did that to keep her husband from seeing the kiss.
Howard played some clips from the making of this Crackhead Bob song. He had some audio of Bob asking what was going on and what they were doing. Fred was explaining to Bob what the bit was about and Bob laughed when he heard the idea.
Fred was being very calm with Bob and trying to make him comfortable with the whole thing. Howard said that was Fred's calm, mental patient voice. Howard said that's the voice you have to use when you talk to Fred so you don't upset him.
In the recording session you can hear Bob singing and starting off just about every word with the letter D. The guys were trying to help Bob out with the song since he apparently can't read. Bob didn't tell them that he can't read and Fred said that he felt weird asking him if he knew how to read. Jackie said that Bob said that it would help if they blew up the letters on the page so he could read them but they realized that he was just saying ''oh yeah'' to everything they asked him.
Howard played some more of the audio where Bob was trying to sing the Van Halen songs and didn't get any of the lyrics right. Jackie said that Bob came close to getting Bob to sing along with himself but they weren't recording at the time. They tried to get him to do it again but they were never able to get him to repeat what he did that one time.
Crackhead Bob kept trying to get the lines down but he was wrong every time and that's why the bit worked. Howard put the word out there for kids not to do crack after hearing this stuff. Bob seemed to think that he was saying the lines even though he was just singing gibberish. Howard joked that David Lee Roth had to be taught the songs the same way.
Howard said that they have a guy on the phone who claimed to be on this Special K cat tranquilizer stuff. He wanted to hear what that sounds like so he got him on the line. The guy said that it was pretty wild stuff. He said that it really just messes you up really bad. He said he had some other guys there with him so he put one of them on the phone. The guy said that he snorted some of that stuff. Howard wanted to hear the other guy because they sounded very similar. He bailed out on the call saying that it wasn't fun to talk to someone who's high when you're not.
Howard said he took a horse tranquilizer one time to see what that was like. Jackie said he tried that one time and it just slowed him down. Howard said he tried it in college. He said that he never thought it through at the time. He said that he had sex with a lot of weird women when he was on that stuff, that's all he knows. He said that you don't even think about how the chicks look when you're on that stuff.
Howard got back to the Crackhead Bob clips and played through more of that stuff. Fred kept having Bob singing the stuff over and over again trying to get him to get the lines down right. Howard said it was kind of a waste of time because he wasn't going to get them right at any point.
At one point Jackie said that he was about to lose it because Bob was having so much trouble with the lines they were reading to him. Jackie almost forgot what he was doing at that point. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard and his Dad worked through the script that they had written. Ben, as Jordan, told Howard that he has to test for proper modulation and then told Howard to shut up and sit down to listen to him. He tried reading through the script but he was having some trouble reading some of the stuff they had written for him. Howard let him keep going though.
Mr. Jordan told Howard that they have to try moving the Incest Wednesday thing to Monday since most incest takes place on the weekends. Then Ben said that he had to take a sip of his Rob Roy, another reference to Howard's dad.
Mr. Jordan told Howard about who he needs to work with him and made references to Robin, Jackie and Fred. He also threw out some suggestions for the other people they have on the show like Gary and Stuttering John. Then he asked Howard if he thinks that the United States should remain in the United Nations. They had Ben saying a lot of the stuff he said in the old tapes that Howard had been playing on the show.
Howard and Ben had some fun talking about that stuff and going back and forth with the lines that they'd written for Ben.
Mr. Jordan told Howard that they're going to replace Tom Snyder with either Morton Downey or the remains of Ray Coombs. Howard asked him that if he wants to get rid of him, please don't let Tom fire him. Howard let him go a short time later saying that he reminded him of someone but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. Howard said that was exciting having him call in.
Howard said that anytime he thinks he doesn't have any talent, he just has to listen to this tape of Bob singing. He took some phone calls after that. One woman said that she loves Howard and said she couldn't believe that he answered the phone. She said that she was in a scene in his movie as an extra. Howard said he remembers her but he really doesn't remember anyone. They have a ton of extras and they all expect him to remember them.
Another caller said that he had been laughing since 6 o'clock this morning with the Crackhead Bob stuff. He said that it reminded him of a scene from ''A Fish Called Wanda'' and it was cracking him up. Howard said that he saw Bob sitting out in the jock lounge just waiting around so he told Jackie and Fred to do some stuff with him. That's what led to that commercial.
Howard said that Crackhead Bob's name is actually George but he can't pronounce it so he ends up saying Bob. He took another call (that would be me) and the guy said this was some of the funniest stuff he'd heard in a long time. Howard said that everyone seems to love the Crackhead Bob stuff.
Howard said that Ponce De LaPhone called into this show on the Business Channel where Morton was making an appearance. Ponce called in and asked Morton to die on July 12th for Howard Stern. Morton told the host what was going on there and how Howard was betting on when he was going to die. He wanted Howard to put his money on him because he thinks that he's going to out live him. Howard said that he was right because he's still alive.
Howard pointed out some of the wacky stuff that Downey did in his career where he lied about getting beaten up by skin heads and stuff like that.
Howard played another call where Ponce called in and told Downey about the July 12th thing again. Downey said that Howard must be pretty bored if he has to do material about him. Howard said that he is bored but he has no trouble finding material. He played Ponce's third call where he says ''Dead man says what...'' and Morton says ''Pardon me?'' Howard liked that one.
Howard said that they had a lot of money in this pool for when Morton is going to die. He went through the list and talked about the dates that everyone had. Howard had lost but he could still win if he died today. Howard replayed the three prank calls that Ponce made and got some more laughs out of that. He had to go to break after that.
Jackie mentioned that he's doing the comedy show with Rosie O'Donnell. He said that he's not sure if her head will fit on stage with Jackie at the same time.
Howard went on to read an article that Jeff Jarvis wrote about him. Jarvis was saying that he's finally figured Howard Stern out and went on to explain why he likes his E! show. Jarvis talked about how much fun the show is that they run on E! for an hour every night. Howard said that he was ready to perform fellatio on Jarvis after reading the article.
Jarvis talks about the staff on the show and some of their guests that he's seen on the show. Jarvis actually liked Engelbert Humperdink on the show which surprised Robin. Jarvis was also saying that Howard is just trying to be honest on his show and he likes to see everyone's reaction to that.
Howard thought that was pretty cool because it was in TV guide and he's been reading Jeff's column for years. He also said that he'll probably do something to screw up Jeff's view of him though. He said that he did that with another reporter who once called him the best entertainer out there. The guy was upset after the pay-per-view event that they did and hated him after that. Howard said that the guy came up to him not too long ago and told him he likes him again though.
Howard said that he was happy that Infinity Broadcasting put him on out there. He said that Mel Karmazin is the best because if they get taken off a station, he'll go to that market and buy the station and show them how to make money with the show. Howard kept mentioning his name and doing an impression of 'Gina Man as he was doing it.
Howard said that Mel is single too so the ladies out there should be interested. He said he might have to put him on dial-a-date.
Howard said that they keep getting fired and rehired out there in Chicago so they'll probably make their rounds through the whole dial.
Howard said there's an article about the beverage where they say they're giving the stuff away because they can't sell it anymore. He said that they're spending millions giving away free samples of the stuff. Robins said that they had a whole clientele buying the stuff before they pulled advertising from their show.
Howard said that it's time to teach these corporate punks a lesson and he's happy that his audience stopped buying the stuff. He said this is a great way to show support for the show and kick their ass.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that if Howard tells him to buy something, he'll buy it. If he tells him not to buy it, he won't. Howard said that's good, within reason of course. He said that if you don't like a certain product you don't have to buy it. He said without the fans he'd probably be out giving away free Snapple or on some talk show claiming that he has skin cancer.
Howard said that he called the guy at Quaker Oats after they pulled advertising and told him about what a mistake it was to pull the ads. He said that he wasn't going to bad mouth the company but he did think that they were being pretty petty. He said they made him look bad and he wasn't going to forget that. He said that the guy kind of laughed at him when he said that his audience was going to back him up.
Howard said he didn't think that he needed them to advertise on the show. He said that they didn't even try to use him to sell the product before they pulled the ads. The caller said that he stopped buying the stuff after Howard said he had a problem with them. He had started drinking it when he saw the ads on Howard's WWOR TV (channel 9) show.
Gary came in and said that it was the Channel 9 Show that got people to notice Snapple because they had the Snapple models on each week. The caller said that it really did make them look bad and that's why he stopped drinking the stuff. The caller gave Howard an F-Jackie as he was going so Howard threw out some F-Snapple and other F-you's.
Howard said he dances to their plummeting stock. Fred played a bomb dropping sound effect as they were talking about that. Howard said that he won't be happy until that stupid Quaker Oats guy has to sell that ridiculous hat he wears.
Howard and the guys talked about the crash for a few minutes. Howard said that he was sorry to hear about the guy losing his sister. Howard said that he thinks there should be some retribution for this if it was a terrorist attack. The caller said that he doesn't know what the cause was yet so they shouldn't jump to conclusions yet.
Howard said that it probably was a bomb because the whole bottom of the plane blew out. Some people thought that it was a missile that shot it down.
Howard had a caller on the line who had a joke about the flight 800 crash. He asked ''what was the movie that was playing on the flight?... Forget Paris.'' Howard said that wasn't funny so the guy hung up.
Howard and Robin moved on to talk about the movie Jumanji and how good that actually turned out to be. Howard said that Robin Williams is blessed and it's no wonder he left his wife for his nanny. He went on to say that he wants to get one of those Au Pair chicks for his house so he can get some hot chicks. He said that they're all impressed with you when they come over here as long as you're making over 20 grand a year. He said that they know no one when they come here and they run around your house with their bras off. He said that they watch your kid for about 6 months then they get bored and move on.
Howard said he knows a bunch of guys who have banged their Au Pairs. Gary came in and said that he knew a guy who had one who ended up keying his car after he told her that she couldn't park her new car in his garage. Gary wasn't sure if she was cute, he never met her. He said that he had another friend who wanted to get his Au Pair but he never did as far as he knows. He said that he was working on it though.
Robin said that she had some friends who had one that was always running around in skimpy tops and stuff so they had to let her go. Gary said that they have a club in town where all of the nanny's went every week. He said that some of the neighbors would go there and meet up with them or meet them to hire them.
Howard said that he knew a woman who sent away to Poland to get a nanny and expected to get some older woman. Then the woman showed up and she was gorgeous so the woman fired her right on the spot, before she even came in the house. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that he's decided that he's going to get a tattoo after the movie is done shooting. He said he's going to go through the book and pick something out. Gary brought in the song that Howard was asking about. He played the song and said that it sounded kind of cool to him and he thought that it was going to catch on but it never did.
Howard figures that he was the only one who dug it. He didn't know what Tommy was talking about in the song but it would be a good one to have sex with your bitch to. He kept making the sex with your bitch comment over and over. Howard asked the guys what it must be like to go down on a girl like that. He said that he'd love to know what that's like because he really likes to do that to girls that he knows.
Howard said he had to bleep the S-word in that song even thought there are stations that let that word out when it's in songs.
Howard suggested that they throw Kenneth Keith Kallenbach into that bit with Bob and Fred. That led to him talking about how Ken got arrested for allegedly forcing and throwing a woman into a van and injuring her. He wondered what he's doing. Robin said that they should talk to him about it and find out what he was thinking. Howard said that maybe it's just that tough to get chicks these days and he has to force them into his van. He wondered what's going through his head and Jackie laughed and said ''Nothin!''
Gary said that he finally got the E! channel when he got satellite TV. He said that they have sports packages that let you get every single major league baseball game and that's nuts. Howard said that he spends a ton of money on that stuff every year. He said that he just signs up for everything so he doesn't have to have some lady describing it all to him. He said that he signed up for everything and it was so overwhelming that he just had to switch back to cable.
Robin said that there was a big shake up over at E! news. She read through that story and Howard said he heard that there were problems over there.
Howard took a call from Crackhead Bob and congratulated him on the new bit. Bob was telling Howard he was happy with it too. Jackie came up with an idea to have Bob sing some songs and they'd have to figure out what it was he was singing. Bob didn't seem to mind and laughed when he heard it. Howard asked him to sing a song for them so they could try to play this game. Bob had some trouble coming up with something though. He was completely blank so Howard threw out a few ideas for him. Bob sang a little bit but he couldn't come up with anything to stump them.
Bob tried singing the Macarena song but it came out nothing like the song. Howard told Bob to come in tomorrow and they'll work with him on that. Bob said that he's a Clapton fan so they wanted him to sing some of ''Tears in Heaven'' but Bob said he had to practice.
Howard asked Bob if he can read. Bob claims that he can but he didn't sound so confident with his answer. Howard put Bob on hold so they could set him up for tomorrow.
Howard had Robin get back to her news after that. She was going to talk about this E! news shake up thing. Howard said he knew about that and wanted to talk to the woman, Kathleen Sullivan, who was let go. He told Gary to set that up for tomorrow.
Gary came in and talked about some of the reasons that she got fired from what he heard. Howard read an article about it as well and they were saying that once she was fired the people who worked with her were singing ''Ding dong the witch is dead...'' They spent a few minutes talking about that story. Howard said they'll find out what the real story is from Kathleen.
Robin read a story about flight 800 and how they're still trying to find out what the reason was for the crash. She had some news about that and some of the other bomb scares that have been going on around the country after that crash.
Robin read a story about this guy Joe Kline guy who wrote the book Primary Colors. She said the guy wrote this book about what it was supposed to be like to work in the Clinton White House. it was supposed to be anonymous but he was asked about it and swore that it wasn't him. Now he's admitted that he did write it. Howard said that if you write a book as anonymous you have to lie about it when you're asked if you did. Howard said that he hasn't ruined his career like Robin was asking.
Robin read a story about Robert Downey Jr. who was arrested for the third time in a month. Howard asked what's wrong with that guy. He was supposed to call the show and let them know what he was up to but then he ended up going to rehab. Now he's been arrested again. Howard said he thinks that they should give the guy a break with the heroin addiction, he might need a couple of years to get off that stuff. He said that it is called an addiction and he can't just give it up that quick.
Robin had Howard play some audio clips of the District Attorney talking about Downey's problems and kind of laughing about it as she was telling the press about what had happened. Howard said that the D.A. Sounded kind of cute. Howard predicted what Downey's attorney was going to say about the problem and it wasn't too far off.
Robin had some news about Bob Dole and how he thought that his campaign was going well. After playing a clip of him talking about his campaign Fred threw in a clip of Fred the Elephant Boy laughing.
Howard said that he had a black guy on the phone who wanted to talk to him about why he's giving Robert Downey Jr. a break and not giving Rodney King a break. Howard picked up and started arguing with the guy before he even got in one word. He told the guy that there was a huge difference between those two. The guy started to talk about how the cops lied about Rodney because his car can't go as fast as they claimed it did. Howard hung right up on the guy and said he didn't want to get into it.
Robin read through some more stories and had one about sexual harassment in schools. That led to the guys goofing on Jackie about the kind of sexual harassment he might do if he was in school. Robin also talked about Elizabeth Taylor who wasn't looking anything like her old self. Robin said that she's shocked when she sees her these days.
Robin also talked about the most popular names out there and how Emily was number one on the list. Howard said he thinks he may have started that trend when he named his daughter Emily. Howard asked Robin to wrap up her news because they were getting close to that second job time (the movie).
Robin went through a few more stories and mentioned Melrose Place and how they're going to be bringing in some more gay characters on the show. Howard said that the gay characters on that show never do more than hug. He said that they should be boning each other every 10 seconds.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard said that he has to talk to her about Teri Hatcher visiting him on the set of the movie. He said that she's really cute and she hung around for a couple of hours. He said that she's just a friend but maybe there's more going on there. He said she's a friend but Robin found that hard to believe. Howard wrapped up and ended the show around 9:40am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard had Crackhead Bob come into the studio and explained who he was and how he got to be the way he did by overdosing on crack cocaine. Bob had some trouble saying some things. Howard asked him if he had tape of his voice before he was on crack and Bob said he thinks so but then said he doesn't know.
Howard said that Bob got so into crack that he stroked out and kept smoking the stuff. Howard said that Bob did this to himself and made a mess. He's got one dead arm, which is covered in Howard Stern tattoos. He even has the E! logo on the arm.
Bob tried to tell Howard and the guys about meeting Mary Jo Buttafuocco out in the green room but he really didn't have anything to say about it. Howard assumed that she saw the tattoos and had something to say but didn't have a clue about what she actually did say to him since Bob wasn't able to relay that to him.
Howard said that they found out that Bob is very funny when he sings when they did this Van Halen bit with him. Howard replayed the bit and reminded everyone what he was talking about. Bob sang along to the bit each time he sang one of the songs.
Howard said that he really wants to put out an album featuring Bob's songs. He said that they're going to play a game next where they have fans try and guess what song Bob is singing. Howard said they're going to call it ''Dame Dat Dune'' like Name That Tune. He said they have money to give away and the fans will have the chance to win.
Howard said he was going to give Bob a prize too but the stuff they had to give away wasn't anything that Bob could use.
After a fast forward in the segment we heard Howard talking to bob about going to rehab and Howard telling him he's a pussy. Then Howard got a contestant on the phone and had Bob sing one of his songs. It was a pretty easy one to get, it was the Rolling Stones Brown Sugar and it was pretty recognizable. The contestant got it right so they moved on to the next song. Bob sang something that was almost recognizable. Fred said he thought he almost had it but then it faded away. The caller didn't know what it was. Howard went through a few more calls and tried to get a winner. He wasn't having any luck and then found out that the callers on hold couldn't hear him singing.
Howard went off on Tom Chiusano when he found out that the callers couldn't hear what was going on. Tom came in and tried to explain why they couldn't get a new phone system but Howard just went off on him for a few minutes about that and about his constant golfing. He wished him cancer of the tongue from licking his golf balls so he won't have to hear him talk anymore.
Howard had Bob sing another song for the caller he had on the line. Bob sang a song but no one knew what he was singing. Howard was trying to get his CD player to work but ended up beating it up a little bit. He played Rod Stewart's ''Maggie May'' for Bob to sing along with but Bob only knew a small part of it. He was trying to figure out what part of the song Bob was singing for the callers because it really wasn't recognizable.
Howard said he was going to have Bob do one last song before he kicked him out of there. After an edited out break Howard came back and did some sexy talk with Bob. Bob played along and tried talking to Howard in a sexy way. He said a lot of ''oh yeah baby'' since he can't say much of anything else.
Howard told Bob that he had to get done with him and move on with this game. He got one last caller on the line and then had Bob sing another song. Bob screeched something out that didn't even sound like a song. Howard said it sounded like Indians praying for rain. He said that only dogs could hear the other end of that. The caller guessed it was Stairway to Heaven'' but he was wrong. Howard told him he was right because he wanted to end the bit. He told the guy he couldn't give him the prize though.
Howard took another call from a guy who had a problem with his voice. He said he had polyps in his throat and that's why he wasn't able to speak. Howard had Bob sing another song for the guy and it turned out to be Maggie May again. Howard asked him to do a different one so he screeched out the song he'd just done for the other caller. Matty the caller didn't know the right answer. Howard gave him the prize anyway. Gary then played the song on the air and had Bob sing along with it. It turned out to be Eric Clapton's ''Layla.''
Howard thanked Bob for playing the game and wrapped up with him. Gary gave Matty a prize and told him he was going to the Horde Festival to see Lenny Kravitz. Howard wrapped up with Bob and asked him not to wear shorts to the studio again because they were very disturbing looking. Howard had Gary give him some prizes as well.
Master Tape Theatre was over by about 10:15am.