| Monday | Tuesday |
|
|
| Wednesday | Thursday |
|
|
| Friday | |
|
Howard started off the show talking about Ellen Degeneres who is getting a ton of crap thrown at her because she's doing her show even though her writers are on strike. Robin said she read that she was saying she's contractually obligated to do her show so she has to do it. Howard wondered why people like Letterman and Leno aren't doing their shows if that's the case. Robin said that maybe they're considered writers and Ellen isn't. Howard said Ellen can do her show because she really doesn't need writers to do what she does. Artie said that people like that usually fight to get writer's credits on the show but maybe she didn't.
Artie said that Greg Fitzsimmons was telling him that he thinks this strike is going to go on a long time. Howard said that might be good for him, that way he won't have to do Letterman like he was supposed to. He said that Scott Greenstein called him and said he might not get on and he pretended that he was upset about it. He's hoping that the writers hold out until at least next year.
Howard said that Ellen did go back to do her show and she had to acknowledge that she was doing the show without her writers. She's all caught up in the whole thing and said that she was standing out in the audience as a way of showing her support of the writers. Howard played the clip where she was talking to her audience and making some weird ''Ca, ca, ca, cahhhhhh'' sounds that no one understood. Howard said that it might be speaking Klingon or something. He said he had some Klingon tapes that someone had sent him and in that audio clip they teach you some words that sound similar.
Howard got back to Ellen and played more of her talking about her writers. Ellen said that she was doing her monolog from the audience as a way of showing support for her writers. Howard and the guys goofed on her about the ''Ca, ca, ca, cahhhh'' thing a little bit. Howard listened to more of her show opening where she talks about the writers not being there and how she wasn't doing a monolog because of that. She rambled on and on about why she was doing this and Howard asked who watches this show. She was basically saying that she cares for her audience so much that she was doing the show to make their trip there as enjoyable as possible.
Howard played more of the Klingon clips and said they might need a Klingon channel there at SIRIUS. He said he'll talk to Scott Greenstein about that today. Robin asked Howard if he heard the commercial about the stockholders being asked to vote by tomorrow. Howard said he got one of those things and wondered why Robin hadn't gotten anything. They got sidetracked when Howard brought up Robin's latest date with Jim Florentine.
Howard had Fred doing his Jim Florentine impression and talking about how he was knuckle deep by a certain song in the concert. He said he'd lost his watch in there so Howard pretended to pull it out while they were talking about it. Fred played some audio clips that made it sound like Howard was trying to pull something out of a tight spot. Howard said that Dr. Roni was also inside Robin so he pulled her out too.
The caller said that Jim's hands were nowhere to be seen when he was with Robin. Howard said that Jim was talking about the date on Miserable Men last night. Artie said that Jim wasn't kissing and telling at the show they did on Saturday night.
Howard played some of the audio of Jim talking to Shuli and Bob Levy about the date. Jim said he asked Robin to go to the concert with him and she agreed to go. Jim said he got the tickets himself. Howard asked Robin how the seats were. She said they were great seats and they were in row E. Howard figured that Robin was used to really great seats and didn't think they could have been that close. He said that Jim must have had to do a lot of gigs to afford the seats he got for them.
Howard played another clip of Bob and Shuli asking Jim about the date and if Jim got a kiss or anything like that. Bob asked if they held hands when walking down the ramp. Jim said that they may have and Shuli went a little crazy when he heard that. Robin said they sounded like 12 year olds acting the way they were.
Jim talked about going out to eat with Robin before dinner and a fan offered to pay for dinner. Shuli said he liked the hand holding thing. Jim said that you can't let a woman walk through that crowd because there are thousands of Brian Phelan types there.
Howard said that it's a big deal that Jim took her hand in public like that. He said you don't grab a girl's hand unless it's serious. He said that it was a good excuse saying that it was to get her through the crowd. Howard said that he thinks that Jim and Robin have fucked at this point.
Howard said that Bob Levy got into a discussion about masturbating to Robin's image. He played the audio where Bob talks about how he'd just done it two nights ago and dropped the load on the floor. Bob says that his fantasy is to go into Robin's booth and he gets locked in there and can't get out. She reads her news and then he jerks off while she does that. Then Howard asks him ''Anything else Bob?''
Howard said that this dating thing with Florentine has gone on for quite a while now. Robin said that they've had three dates. Howard wondered what Jim is going to have to do to keep this going.
Robin said that David Lee Roth sounded really good doing his thing at the concert. She said that Eddie is still doing his thing too and sounding great. She said that his son plays well too and they all seem to be having a good time up on stage when they're performing. She said that Alex Van Halen really works his ass off too. She said she was fine without Michael Anthony being there. She said it was fun watching Eddie playing with his son.
Robin said that Jim grabbed her hand when a bunch of people recognized her all of a sudden there at the concert. That led to Fred singing ''I Will Always Love You'' as Jim Florentine. He said he's like the retarded Kevin Costner from ''The Bodyguard.''
Howard said it looked like Robin was wearing a whole new outfit this morning. Robin said that she's just reclaiming her old clothes from her closet. Robin said she's just wearing jeans and a little top.
Howard asked her if that was the first time that Jim had taken her hand in public. She said it probably was. She said she wasn't all that shocked when he did it. She said that Jim did start to get into it with a woman they saw selling t-shirts. She said the woman was really big and he was giving her a hard time about the shirt saying that it wasn't all that nice and he didn't like it. Artie said that Jim fucks with people in an extreme way and she's going to see a lot of that. Robin said she was ready to run off while that was going on because she didn't want him pissing the woman off.
Howard said that Jim taking Robin's hand is a big deal and a step in the relationship. Robin wasn't making a big deal out of it. She said she doesn't have deep feelings for him and they're just friends. Howard said that taking her to the concert and holding her hand might mean that he's expecting to get laid. Robin said she didn't think that was the case at all. She said she didn't kiss Jim at the concert or anything like that. Howard was throwing questions out about the relationship and she wasn't making a big deal out of any of it.
Howard found out that Jim had picked Robin up at her house and wondered if he was in the house. Robin said that he did come in for a second. He was just waiting for her to get her keys and stuff. Fred went into his Jim impression and said that he was in her house for a second, in her bedroom for a second and in her vagina for a second. They had some fun goofing on Robin taking coffee enemas and how her house probably smelled like coffee when Jim was there.
King of All Blacks called in and asked Robin some questions about her being upset if she saw Jim with another woman. Robin said she'd be surprised and she might be upset if he was with another woman. He thinks that she's in love with Jim if that's the case. Robin said she's not saying she definitely would be, she'd just be surprised. She said she was actually trying to say that she'd be surprised at her feelings if she was upset with Jim dating another woman. Artie said that means that he's fucked because she doesn't care that much about him.
King asked Robin about the ride to the concert and if there's awkward silences and stuff. Robin said that they have no problem talking on the ride there and at any time. Howard eventually thanked King for the call and let him go. He had other calls to take after that.
One caller said that Robin was sitting about 15 rows back on the side of the stage. Robin said that Jim asked her where she wanted to sit and that's where she picked. She said that she wanted to be able to sit down and watch instead of standing up and watching. The caller asked what kind of car Jim drives. She said that it was an old car with different colored doors but then said that it was actually a Honda. She had no problem riding in that car though.
Howard asked Robin if she kissed Jim goodnight. She said she did give him a little peck on the cheek but that was it. Howard didn't believe it. She eventually broke down and said it was a peck on the lips. Howard said he bets that Jim touched her tits. Robin said he may have brushed his arm on them but that's it. Howard asked how they're going to make that move to the sexual aspect of the relationship. Robin said that they don't even see each other a lot.
Howard said that there's something going on there and he's not sure what it is. Artie ended up talking about how Jim used to be known as Jammin' Jim back when he was first starting out. Howard said that Jim was actually on the show as Jammin Jim many years ago. Artie said that there are some comedy clubs where they still have his old pictures hanging up. He had long hair back then and he was ''jammin.''
Artie was goofing on the guy and singing a song about his ass gently weeping. Howard told Ed that people really liked him on the show so he thanked him for coming in.
Howard said that this Conan O'Brien stalker guy is really weird. He's a priest who is stalking Conan and he also says that he's really into Faye Dunaway and Paul Simon. He read about him in the paper over the weekend and talked about the weird stuff that came out about him chasing after Conan. Artie said that is some scary shit there.
Howard asked Ed if he's a stalker. Ed said he's not. Artie told him that they were talking about a creepy guy and Ed was the only creepy guy nearby to ask. Howard let Ed go a short time later. Howard suggested they call him Weeping Anus Ed instead of Ass Napkin Ed. Robin suggested Ass Weeping Ed instead so they went with that.
Eric was going off on Artie and his weight after Artie goofed on him about his scripts. Howard said that he likes that Eric isn't writing even though he's not in the writer's guild. He said that Eric could still write and just save it. Eric wondered why they're not on strike and supporting them. Howard said that they're not in the Writer's Guild. Howard said he didn't write a movie or anything, he just wrote his book.
Artie said he did think about going to a picket line himself. Howard said that he wishes that they could go on strike so they could have another break. Eric told him he takes enough breaks as it is. Artie said that he is in the writer's guild and he's been in it for a long time. He got writer credits on MAD TV. He said that he could see going to one of those picket lines. Howard said that they should just take off some time to show their support for the writers. Eric said that's what they're doing next week. Howard said that's right, they're going to be off next week in support of the writers.
Eric said that the scripts that he sent in there were all written by him, not by Johnny Fratto. He said that his friend Courtney edited them, that's why they seemed like they weren't written by him.
Howard took some phone calls and Hanzi said that he'd like to buy Eric's script for $1.5 million. He hadn't even read it yet but he figured it was gold either way. Howard said that they should buy it and turn it into the next big Howard TV show thing. Howard said they have the Miss Howard Stern Show running on there and maybe they could produce Eric's script next. He said he'd do that.
Howard asked Eric what his scripts are about so they could get an idea of what they needed to do to make this movie. Eric said that one of them is about his relationship with this woman he's been seeing on the internet lately. Howard said that he might not be able to get the actual people, like his girl Christine and Diana Degarmo, to play their parts. He said that he didn't even have his real wife in his movie, he had Mary McCormack playing her. Eric said that he'd like to have Christine playing her own part in the movie.
Howard asked Eric what his second script was about. Eric said that in that one Diana Degarmo plays the daughter of a mob boss. Howard said he was confused by that description after a couple of sentences and said he's going to stick to the first script.
Howard asked Doug Goodstein if they have any budget to make something like that. Doug said that they can put something together. They can get a director to do it too. Eric started talking over Doug so Doug said that he's glad he's so excited and called him a little prick. Eric said he was contacted about the Dougie the Puggie story getting published too.
Howard asked Eric more about these movies and Eric said he wrote these things just to get himself into movies so he wants to be in them. Howard told him a couple of times that he was definitely in. He wasn't going to keep him out of his own movies.
Doug asked Eric if he has a budget in mind for the movie. Howard said ''oh come on'' and said that Eric doesn't have that worked out. They have to work all of that out. Eric just recently wrote the outline, he hasn't gotten in that deep. Howard said that they may be able to get some real actors to appear in this thing. They could have John Stamos playing the part of Diana Degarmo according to Robin. Howard said they might be able to get someone like Lisa Lampanelli to play the part of Christine. He said they may actually be able to get someone like Tori Spelling or Melissa Gilbert to play the part. Eric said that Tori would be good.
Howard told Eric to get started on the script and wondered how long it's going to take. Eric said that he just got the outline done. Howard told him to keep it to like 30 pages, not 90 like most movies. Eric said that he may be able to do that. Robin told him to meet the demands that they've asked him to.
Howard had Scarlet Johansen on the phone to say that she wanted to be part of the whole thing. It was actually Richard Christy and Eric said that it would help to be the real Scarlet. Howard told her that they'd be in touch with her and let Richard go. Howard said he may be able to get Benicio Del Toro to appear in this movie. He said he may be able to get some other big stars like Tobey Maguire to appear in it. Robin said he should play the part of Eric the Midget but Howard thinks that Eric is going to play Eric.
Howard said that he wants Eric to get busy on the script. He said he'll even help him out with it. He's not going to direct for him or anything. He said he might be able to get Tobey Maguire to play the part of the cop who arrests Eric for harassment.
Howard wrapped up with Eric and told him to get busy writing this script. Eric was busy cracking jokes about Artie and his fat ass.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that they have to make this movie for real. Howard told her that they will, as long as Eric writes this script. He let her go and took a call from High Pitch Eric who was pretending to be Judith Regan the book publisher. He was going off on Eric saying that he wanted to choke him with a balloon because he was boring him. He was supposed to be calling in about buying his book but he said that wasn't working for him now.
Howard let Eric go and told him to let him know when they can begin filming. He said he was being serious. Eric said he would and he's hoping to hear from Christine this afternoon. Howard took some calls after that and one guy said that Eric is crossing the picket line by saying he's going to write something if he's on strike. Eric said he didn't commit to anything though. Howard told him he's got to be ready to start filming on January 1. Eric said that they're not even going to be on the air then. Howard said that Howard TV never sleeps so they'll be ready.
Another caller brought up how Beth was on Fox and Friends over the weekend talking about this puppy mill that had like 1000 dogs that they took in at the North Shore Animal league. She was on trying to help get some of the dogs adopted and they got thousands of calls after that.
Robin asked if Beth was talking about how she's available and tried to find her a date. She said that she was just joking around. Howard didn't get it and wondered if she's in a relationship with Jim or not. Howard said that if he goes on Letterman he'd do that for her, he'll put the word out that she's single if she wants him to. Howard thanked Eric for the call and went to break a short time later.
Artie said he heard that Greg Fitzsimmons is going to be doing regular shows there too. Howard said that Greg is going to be in tomorrow to talk about that. He said that Greg's dad used to be a radio guy that he used to goof on. He wonders how Greg can like him after he goofed on him for so long. He said that Greg was saying that his father didn't care about that stuff and neither does he.
Howard said that Mike Morse had written a song parody about Jim and Robin dating called ''Back Hole Fun.'' He played some of that for her and talked about how fun some of those songs are. Shuli said that Mike is the number 1 contributor to the Miserable Men show.
Howard wondered why Robin was pissed off at JD. She said that she was just giving him ''the business.'' JD came in and said he thinks that she's upset with him giving Artie the news about Jim and Robin's date. JD said that he wasn't the one who forwarded the note to the guys. Everyone thought he said ''farted out'' and not forwarded out. They goofed on his mumbles for a short time before Howard let him go.
Lisa said that Artie left something out about the joke he told about Robin and Jim. IT was something dirty that she didn't want to say. Howard wanted her to tell the joke. She thought she was going to screw it up though. She said that Artie said that it would be nice if Robin blew Jim because it would finally get her to shut the fuck up.
Howard played another Mike Morse song parody to the tune of Van Halen's ''Jump'' called ''Hump.'' Artie said that he can tell that Jim really likes Robin. He talked to him the other night and asked him how things are going. Jim thinks that things are going very well and he really seems to like her company. Howard said that Jim really liked Robin when she was heavier too so he must get some bonus points for that. Robin said that she might lose him because maybe he's a chubby chaser. Artie told her to keep doing what she's doing, he doesn't think that's the case.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she thinks that Robin loves all of this attention. She didn't think that Robin was mad at JD or anyone else. Artie said that he was shaking hands at one of his shows over the weekend and Mariann was there. He thought he was just shaking the hand of a hot chick and didn't realize it was Mariann. Mariann thought that Artie was just kissing her ass and he didn't think that way about her. Artie said he wasn't kissing any ass, he had no reason to.
Lisa said that Artie said that he had Type 2 Diabetes at the show last night. Artie said he was just saying that, he really doesn't. He did get some results from his blood tests and the doctor told him that he should try to stop drinking and stuff for at least 6 months because his liver needs some recovery time. Artie said that he's been drinking his entire life and he's got to let it recover a little bit.
Howard asked Artie how he's been doing with the diet. Artie said that he really needed a weekend off. He said that his diet actually lasted about a total of 40 hours or so. Howard said that the Subutex stuff can't be helping either. He read that it makes you really hungry. Artie said he's not sure about that. He said that he took Lithium one time and it made him really crave sugar. He said that he used to eat a lot of icing and stuff.
Lisa said that Artie told the crowd that Grandma Caprio is in the hospital. Artie said that his sister wasn't telling him the whole story and he's not sure why they'd hold it back from him. She was telling him that his mother didn't want him to know that before the show.
Howard went into his Grandma Caprio impression after he warned Artie he was going to do it. Artie said that he was going to go into his Beth asking for kids impression if he did that. Howard did the impression and talked about Artie getting back together with Dana and stuff like that. Robin asked Artie if he's spoken to Dana lately. Artie said that he did call her on her birthday the other day. He said that he told a joke about how he was going to have sex with a black hooker on her birthday to celebrate. Howard stayed in his Grandma Caprio impression for a couple of minutes.
Artie said that he hasn't spoken to Grandma Caprio since she went to the hospital. He said she's unconscious at this point so she wouldn't even hear him. Lisa said that she'd like to know what he said to Dana. Artie said she had called him on his 40th birthday too so that's why he caller her. He asked her if she's seeing anyone and she claims that she's not. He said he didn't ask her out or anything either. That led to Howard doing a Dana impression. He was saying that she's not seeing anyone except for Jim Florentine, oops, sorry Robin. Then Artie went into his Beth impression and said that she's going to be asking for kids soon. Then it was Dana and Beth talking to each other. Artie and Howard were going back and forth on their megaphones saying stuff to each other in their female voices.
Benjy was passing some jokes to Artie but Howard pointed out that his face was all blotchy and wondered what was going on there. Benjy said he's not sure but he needs some help to get rid of it.
Lisa said that she spoke to Richard Christy's best friend who Richard cried over recently. She'll have more on that today. She also said that Jeff the Drunk's ass has healed completely according to his doctor. They'll have more on that as well.
A caller asked Howard about smelly thongs and that led to him saying that he went out jogging this weekend and smelled his shorts to see if it smelled like ass. Howard asked Lisa if she's ever smelled her thong. Her reaction was pretty much an ''Ewww!'' and she claims that she's never done that. Howard let her go a short time later.
Brian said that the corporations speak out of both sides of their mouths all the time. They talk about how much money they make selling their shows online but then they turn around and tell the writers that they're not sure that they're going to make any money. He said that the writers get nothing from the online downloads and all they want is something like a penny for each download and the networks don't want to pay. It's that simple.
Howard said that he can see the network's side of this and how they could say that they put up tons of money to produce these shows while the writers get paid even if they fail. He said that they have to try and show their shows wherever they can make money. He said that if they want a piece of the action maybe they should put up some money too. Brian said that the studios tired to make that argument when VHS and DVD came into the market. They didn't want to pay them on 100% of the sales. He said that writers get 4 cents on each DVD or VHS that's sold. It's not a lot of money.
Howard asked Brian if he's upset about Ellen Degeneres continuing to do her show. He said that he is upset with her because it's not going to help them end the stirke if they continue to work. Howard said that they are just doing a talk show though. Brian said that Ellen is a WGA member.
Howard said that there's already a system set up to pay these writers and there already is a history with this stuff out there and they really should be able to come to a settlement.
Artie told Brian that he really liked the Ocean's movies and he's looking forward to getting the latest one on DVD. Brian and his partner wrote that one and Artie was very impressed with it.
Gary came in and told Howard that Sal was out doing some interviews with some writers and being really annoying with them. Howard played a clip of Sal asking one writer about holding up a sign that had writing on it. The writer said he didn't write that himself. Sal also asked him if he would sign his signature if a UPS guy asked him to do that. The writer said that's not writing, that's signing your name. The guy told Sal that this was so frivolous and it's actually a serious thing. Sal asked him if he thinks it should be called a ''typer's strike'' instead of a writer's strike because they really type these days. The guy argued with Sal as if he were serious about it. He told Sal that he ain't funny and wished him luck with whatever career he gets into.
Wolf asked if Robin would be more attracted to Gary or Ronnie if they were in the studio with their shirts off. Howard called in them in and wanted them to get topless. Gary told him he was nuts and didn't want to do it. Gary said he doesn't care what Robin thinks of him. Neither did Ronnie. Neither of them wanted to take their shirts off.
Howard asked Ronnie to pull up his shirt. He showed Howard that he doesn't have a six pack. Artie offered to stand next to them with his shirt off if they wanted. Gary said that they're doing a radio show here. Robin said he doesn't think that when the girls are getting topless in there. Sal and Richard took their shirts off in Gary's office to try and help things out.
Gary said that he's sure that his shirtless body will end up on the free Howard TV thing that his kids might see. Everyone eventually took their shirts off and Gary didn't look all that bad according to Robin. She did pick Ronnie over him though. Robin told Ronnie he's looking really good but Howard said that he had some dirt on his arms. He realized he was mistaken and it was actually tattoos.
Howard said that Artie is getting man tits. He used to just be fat without the tits but now he's got side tit. Benjy has had those side tits for a while now. Fred had his shirt off too and Robin said that he looked like a young Christopher Reeve. Fred said he's still boxing and that really helps him stay in shape.
Wolf asked how high Gary had his underwear pulled up. Gary said they weren't that high. Howard said that Ronnie's were pulled up so high that he couldn't see his belly button. Ronnie said he's been running on the treadmill a lot and even his dog likes to run on it.
Wolf told Howard that he got some bumps on his hands recently and he was told that it was from using hand sanitizer too much. Howard gave him a $500 prize courtesy of the movie ''The Mist'' which is opening up on Wednesday, November 21st. Howard said that he saw the movie and it's really good. Artie said that the previews did look really good.
Howard was going to let Wolf go but he had another question for him. He asked who the guy was that Howard didn't want to see Beth in a movie with because she had dated an actor. Howard didn't say who it was but said that it wasn't Ben Stiller or Robin Williams. Howard said she did one TV show where she had to kiss an actor and he really didn't like that either. He said that when he kissed Mary McCormack for his movie, he got aroused so he knows that it can happen. He wouldn't want her doing that with some dude.
Howard said he had to go to break but Robin was telling him that she was going to tell Beth about this great masseuse that she used but realized she can't send her to him, Howard wouldn't like that. Howard agreed. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said that they heard that David Spade is dating some chick that looked kind of like Jillian Grace in some pictures. Artie was checking them out and wasn't quite sure if it was or not. He said that he was getting upset just thinking it could be true. Howard said he didn't think it was actually her. He and Artie both said that they hate when they know a guy who is getting hot chicks like that. Howard said that all of these hot chicks should be into him.
Howard had the girls come in a short time later. They're sisters, Joanna and Marta, and Artie said that they're the hottest chicks they've had in there. He says that every time though. Howard said that this one girl objects to him having girls naked in his studio but then she sent in naked pictures of herself. She said that she wouldn't get topless in the studio because the radio doesn't have eyes. Howard told her that they do a TV show though.
Joanna said that she did have some help with her boobs. They were done by Dr. Garth Fisher out in California. He's apparently known for doing great stuff like that.
The girls are both going to be doing the Miss Howard TV thing together so he talked to them about that. They're going to be in bikinis doing that. They also talked about modeling out in California and how much money they can make doing that stuff. Joanna said that she has made a lot of money doing commercial modeling. She has her own show coming out with Maxim magazine and it'll be on a network that she can't announce yet. Artie asked the girls if they would get into bikinis right now. They said that they won't because people can see her on Howard TV.
Howard asked Marta about her modeling career and spent a couple of minutes talking about that. Artie was trying to get a date with one of them but it wasn't happening so Howard wrapped up and let them go a short time later.
Howard played a quick voice mail from Richard's father. He left a message about how he found a couple of snakes in the house. He found a big ol' black snake that was about ''6 foot long'' in the house. He took them out himself and just threw them outside.
Howard said that Artie was telling him that Bob called him and told him that he lost weight and stopped drinking. Artie pointed out that Bob is now addicted to these pills. Bob said that he's not addicted, he's taking them as directed. He was taking some Xanax and that stuff is really addictive. Artie said that he has to work on just taking the Lexipro. Bob said that he's totally changed now and he's not going to crash when he runs out of these other pills.
Bob said that he was telling Artie about this stuff and Artie was giving him some advice about straightening out his life. Howard said it's amazing that Artie can give advice like that when he's such a mess himself. Artie said that he told Bob that he was just drinking too much and he had to cut back. Meanwhile Artie just got the news that his liver is fucked up from drinking so much.
Artie said that Bob is constantly drinking and smoking, just like he is, so he told him he had to cut back. Bob said that one time they were out in Vegas and they didn't have glasses to drink out of so he took an ice bucket and made a vodka drink in that. He was sipping the drink out of the bucket with his hands according to Artie.
Bob said that he went and saw someone about the smoking. He heard there's a pill that he can take to help him stop that. Artie said that Bob really is a mess with the smoking because he breaks into these coughing fits every few sentences. Howard told the two of them that they should go to see this Body Works show where they show smoker's lungs. That would get them to stop immediately.
Artie said that Bob has gone into these coughing fits before and one time he thought he was going to die. He said that he and Bob had about a 2 hour discussion about this stuff. Bob said that Artie was telling him what to get rid of in his life and told him to worry only about himself and nothing else. That's what he's trying to do now. Artie said that he can teach people but he can't follow his own advice.
Howard said that the Miss Howard TV girls are up on his web site. Bob called them ''Dumb and Dumber'' and told Howard that if they weren't hot he never would talk to them. Howard sand the guys spent a couple of minutes talking about how hot they were after that. Howard said that Bob had just called them dumb but he wanted to do a spelling contest between the two of them. He told the guys to come back in.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked Artie how he made it in this morning after doing a comedy show last night. Artie said he was out until after 11 and didn't get to bed until 1 in the morning. He said that Dominic was looking good and so was his wife.
Howard cut Artie off and took a call from Yucko the Clown who said that Bob was saying that he jerks off to his girlfriend's image. Bob said that he just did that once. He's also jerked off to Beth which Howard said was an honor.
The girls came back in to do this spelling thing against Bob. Howard didn't have any words so he had to come up with them. He asked Bob to spell Separately. Bob got it wrong and Joanna got it right. There was some confusion about the way she spelled it but she actually did get it right.
Howard gave the next word of Triangle. Bob spelled it correctly. Howard gave Joanna Spaghetti, she spelled it SPAGGETTI. Howard asked Bob to spell it when she got it wrong. Bob spelled it SPAGGETI. Howard wanted to give them something easy. He gave them Absence. Joanna spelled it ABSENSE. Bob spelled it ABCENT.
Howard gave them another one and asked Bob to spell Receipt. Bob spelled it RECEITE. Joanna got it right. Bob said that silent P is wrong. The girls asked Artie to come out with them on Friday night to hang out but he's going to be out in Las Vegas and won't be able to make it. Artie said that he's going to cancel that Vegas appearance.
Howard let the girls go but had Bob try to pronounce some words that they have Bob try to say on Miserable Men. Howard gave him Esophagus and Bob says ''Eso-fag-us.'' He tried a few other ones and they had Bob say ''Imaphagg'' and some other things like ''Nicaragua'' which he says ''nig*er-ragu.'' He's not joking around either, he's saying this stuff like that's the way he thinks it should be said.
Shuli came in and said they play this game every week where they have callers spell out words and Bob tries to say them. He said that Bob comes across as retarded when he does this stuff. They do it for the last 20 minutes of the show and people love it. Howard gave Bob the word ''Nigeria'' and it came out ''nig*eria.'' Howard gave him ''Imwetaded.'' Shuli said that the listeners have been coming up with those words to get Bob to say stuff that aren't real words.
Howard asked bob if he's still working with Beetlejuice. Bob said that Beet isn't drinking now because he's not drinking. Beet is even on some kind of pills and he seems to know when it's time to take them. Artie said that Beetlejuice was back stage at his show the other night and Beet grabbed the microphone at one point and he had a great stage presence. He was doing an impression of a comedian and actually looking like one. He said that he was getting laughs doing that stuff so Howard asked Artie if he was better than Richard. Artie paused and wondered what he should say at that point. He didn't say anything negative about Richard though.
A caller told Howard that the one pill that Bob was talking about is called Clonazipan and he can't drink with that stuff. He said that it's really addictive stuff too. Bob said that he's taking 60 of those pills and then he's getting his Lexipro prescription bumped up. He also said that he's going to get his liver checked out today to find out if he's even got one. He said that he knows that he has to come to a point in his life when he just has to take control of his life.
Bob said that the other day he was sleeping in his basement and he had to have a heater down there. One of his pillows fell on the heater and almost caught on fire. He said that the house is under construction right now and it's really cold in there because the whole place is torn up. Bob said that he could move out if he wants but he likes having his son there and he doesn't bring his girlfriend around the place. The girlfriend visits him when he's out on the road.
A caller told Howard that his wife is on Lexipro and if she doesn't take a pill one day, she gets electrical impulses going through her body. The withdrawals are apparently really bad. Bob said that his life was out of control before and this is helping him out so he's fine with that.
Shuli said that Bob was swaying all over the place last night when he saw him and he appeared to be on more than just one pill. Bob said that his doctor is listening to the show and he knows his problems so they're working on a mix that will help him be normal. He said they're still working on the dosages. Artie said that he advised Bob to go to therapy even though he won't go himself.
Bob said that Artie is a good friend and he really did help him out. Howard gave him some plugs for some upcoming shows he has this week out in California. You can find out more about those dates at RevBobLevy.com.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard when he got back from his weekend yesterday. The guy said that he should have been at the Barnes and Nobel in his building because Robin interviewed a chick there. Robin said she interviewed Simona Dinnerstein who is a concert pianist. She said that she's got an amazing CD out and she did an interview with her about her career and stuff like that after she performed some songs.
Ronnie called in as a listener going off on Bob about not being funny. He was doing an impression of Bob as he was doing it. They both had a couple of jokes about each other that they threw out there.
Bob then said that Scott the Engineer wanted to come out on tour with them and he wasn't sure why because he's got nothing going on. Scott came in and said that he's not sure what he'd do up there on stage. He can't do comedy so he wanted to do a Q and A thing on stage. Howard said that it's a comedy show, they can't have Scott come out and bring the show to a halt. Howard told Scott he should go out and try on different wigs or something if he really wants to do that stuff.
Howard asked Scott to pretend that he was on stage and do what he'd do. Scott said he'd go up and ask how everyone was doing. He hadn't given it much thought yet so he didn't know where to go with this. Shuli tried to help and did an intro for Scott. Scott tried again and still didn't have much luck getting anything out. Artie told him that people are going to ask him serious questions and he has to come up with some funny answers. Scott said that he's not a comedian so he doesn't know how to write funny answers.
Artie asked Scott to tell him what he does there as a job. He wanted a funny answer but Scott just started to describe his job which wasn't funny. Bob asked him who he hates at the show. Scott said he doesn't hate anyone. He said he gets along with everyone. Howard asked him what he thinks about the Sal and Artie fight. Scott didn't have much to say about that either.
The guys tried to give Scott some suggestions for his act and told him to come out with some stuff about someone he doesn't like. Scott then went off on Benjy saying that he hates that he gets paid to do what he does and that he gets to fly with Howard on private jets and stuff like that. Benjy said that he once let Scott borrow $500 when he was barely making any money himself. Benjy also asked him if he really does hate him and pointed out that he treats him very well. Howard said it's funny that Benjy hates the way he's treated on the show yet Scott is jealous of him.
Howard asked Bob if Scott is welcome on the comedy show or not. Bob said he can come if he wants to but he can't fly him out there. He told him he has to work out his own deal and he has to earn the right to get flown out. That led to Bob saying that Scott was on Miserable Men one night talking about how he had to vacuum the house shortly after he had his hernia operation. Scott said that's true but she was helping him out by going out to get his medication.
Shuli asked Scott if he wanted to come out and do some material at Caroline's tomorrow night. Bob told him that maybe he can come and do a show that's more local with him. Howard told Bob that he has to put him on the show at least once. Bob said that he'd do that for Howard but he doesn't know where he can stick him during the show.
Howard gave Bob some more plugs for the shows he's doing out in California this weekend but Scott won't be there. They may have him out in Cleveland with Bob and Artie.
Gary came in and said that they were wondering why Scott borrowed $500 from Benjy. Benjy said that it was when Scott's son needed money for college. Bob wondered what kind of college costs $500. The guys all goofed on Scott about that and wondered how he went to Benjy and asked him for that kind of money. Benjy said that they were at K-Rock and Scott asked to talk to him and told him about how his son might have to drop out of school if he didn't have a couple thousand bucks. He'd asked a few others for money as well.
Artie wondered how Scott could go off on a guy like that after he lent him $500 to help his kid go to school. Scott said that Benjy turned out to be an asshole and he thinks that he's changed since those days. He said that he got an attitude after that private jet ride. Howard wondered why he'd be mad at Benjy, he should be mad at him for having Benjy fly with him.
The guys pointed out that Scott is out of his mind with that stuff and no one could believe that he was upset about something like that.
Gary said that they don't think that Benjy has changed at all. He said that he's always been the nicest guy and never has an attitude. He said that Scott thinks that he changed on that certain date when he really hasn't. Artie said that Scott has this anger in him that's going to boil up inside of him until one day he snaps. Scott said that's true and he does have a lot of anger in him. Howard said that this Q and A has really gone well so far. Bob said that Scott has already done 20 minutes so maybe this will work. He said that the people in Cleveland are going to rip him apart. Bob said that maybe they can add him on to future gigs to talk about this stuff. Howard told Bob to stay quiet during Scott's Q and A. Bob said he will do that at the shows. He told Scott he's going to have to share rooms with Beetlejuice. Scott said that won't happen.
Howard gave Bob some more plugs and Artie asked Scott if he borrowed any money from anyone else at work. Scott said that Benjy was the only one and he figured that he was the one guy who could keep a secret. He kept that secret until today. Robin said that Benjy was the guy who made the least amount of money there though. Howard said this sounds like a fascinating idea to have Scott on the shows. He wrapped up with everyone and went to break a short time later.
Howard asked her what ethnicity she is because her skin is kind of dark. She said that she's Dominican. She was in the military for 4 years and she said that it was a bit of a challenge. Howard asked if she ever had offers to make things easy on her if she had sex with guys. She said that never happened.
Giselle said that she's got a boyfriend who is off doing training for a job he's starting. He's not in the military though. She said that she does some modeling stuff but it's mostly corporate stuff. Howard told her she's wasting her time and she should be doing Playboy and Penthouse, not corporate stuff.
Artie asked her if she's ever thought about a career in being Mrs. Artie Lange. She just laughed. Artie wondered how her breasts would look out of a bra. He had her turn around and said that she seemed to be perfect.
Howard asked her where she was stationed. She said that she was in Afghanistan for a while. She was in communications at the time. She said that they had these showers set up where all of the women had to shower together. Artie figured that the other women must have looked like him. She said that she got hit on once when she was over in the Philippines but never by anyone in the Marines.
Will came in and said that she'd wear a bikini for them. She didn't sound into it so Howard told her not to give him a hard time and had the bikini rack lowered down for her. They lowered it into the studio. Will told her to take her choice and Howard told her they're all new. She said she didn't feel comfortable doing it today. Will said that was part of the deal though. He said that she said she'd wear one if she came in for a tour.
Gary offered up some cash for her if she did get into a bikini. Howard said that they could give her the money if she did it. She told them that she didn't want to do it and they could see her on Viva411.com. Howard read that she was trying to get into Playboy but she won't even get into a bikini in the studio.
Artie said he feels bad berating her since she was in the military. Howard said if she wasn't in the military, he'd have something else to say to her. Howard told her that she could try on the bikini, and if she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to come out of the bathroom. She agreed to that and went into the bathroom to try it on.
Howard said the bikini rack was going back up. He didn't realize that's where they kept it. Howard asked Giselle how she was doing. Will asked her and found out she had the top on. She came out wearing the top and everyone was blown away by how hot she was. Howard said that he had to see the whole picture and told her she has to get into the bottom. He wondered why she didn't get into the whole outfit. Howard told her she was perfect and told her to get into the bikini bottom. He said that she looks great but she really has to put on the bottom. She was going to pass.
Artie asked if he could bronsky her. She said she didn't know what that was. Artie didn't want to tell her what it was and Howard didn't want to let him do it. Giselle said that she wasn't going to get into the bottom because her ass would look big in that tiny bottom.
Howard let Giselle off the hook and said that he's only doing that because she was in the Marines. Will came up with some other bottoms but she didn't want to wear those either. Howard wrapped up with her and thanked her for coming in on this Veteran's Day. He gave her the whole $500 even though Gary only wanted to give her $250 since she only had half of the outfit on.
Giselle said that she might show them the rest of her body next time she comes in, when she's in better shape. Howard said there probably won't be a next time. He let her keep the bikini and wrapped up with her after that. Artie said that this was Perfect Tit day today with her and that other chick that was in earlier.
Steve said they also have some great shows lined up for tonight. They have the Fab Faux special at 7pm and Greg Fitzsimmons starts his regular show at Midnight tonight.
Jon Hein came in and said they'll talk about Robin and Jim Florentine's latest date. They'll also talk about Eric the Midget's call, Brian Koppelman's call and Bob Levy's visit today.
Howard asked Robin if she's ever laid down on a bed with Jim. Robin laughed and wondered how that could have ever happened. Robin changed subjects and read a story about Kate Hudson and ignored Fred's comments as he was doing his Jim impression again.
Howard said that he did want to mention the other day that when he and the guys created their new Avant-Garde band, they got some e-mail. He read through some of that and the fans were saying that they liked what they were doing. One fan asked what kind of guitar it was that Howard borrowed from Fred. Fred said it was an Ovation Elite, he thinks, and it's about 20 years old. Howard said he'll be playing a Gibson if they go out and do this stuff live. That led to him replaying some of the stuff they performed last week. He said that they may open up for the Zs at the Knitting Factory.
Howard played some of the Zs stuff that inspired them to ruin music themselves. He played a couple of their own performances too. The one they called ''The Beat'' was Fred's favorite. Fred also liked the song they called ''The Knitting Factory'' and said they could have a double sided single if they put that one and The Beat out.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Van Halen impression. He let him do his thing for about 30 seconds before he had to cut him off so he could go to commercial.
After the break we heard a prank call the guys made to a call in show with Ronnie the Limo Driver audio clips. We also heard a song parody about Ronnie from Dan the Song Parody Man. Robin got back into her news a short time later.
Robin brought up a story about human cloning which led to Howard talking about how they have the ability to merge mice and men and he'd do all kinds of weird stuff if he was allowed to experiment on stuff like that. He'd give people wings and give them the ability to smell like dogs do. They spent a couple of minutes on that.
Robin brought up a story about Sarah Michelle Gellar who is playing a porn star in her next movie. She wondered how long it'll be before Sarah appears in Playboy. Howard figures it can't be long now. He said that she has to be naked in the movie if she's playing a porn star.
Artie said that Doug Goodstein and his father came to see him last night. He wasn't sure if he could tell the story or not. Doug said that he could tell it but he told his father to turn off the radio. Artie went on to say that his father came back stage with Doug's mother. He said they both looked nice and pretty conservative. Artie said that Larry ''Ratso'' Slomin came back stage with a famous porn star, whose name he couldn't remember, and Doug's father recognized the guy. Howard said this was great. Artie said that Doug's father recognized the guy and his mother didn't know who it was. Doug said that it was obvious that his father watches porn, and he must watch a lot of it. Doug said he dropped the whole thing pretty quick with them because he didn't want it to get awkward.
Howard wondered what Ratso was doing bringing a porn star with him to a comedy show. Artie said they're apparently really good friends, he really doesn't know.
Robin read through a bunch of other stories and one of them was about Duane Johnson, formerly The Rock, which led to the guys talking about nicknames. Artie said he knew a guy who could come up with great names for all of their friends. Howard said that he'd give Artie a name like ''Captain Subutex'' or something like that. They wrapped up the show a short time later and ended it around 11:00am.
Please visit Amazon.com for all of your shopping needs.
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Howard started off the show talking about some clips he was listening to from a show where they were talking about him being on the Most Unsexiest Men list. He said that AOL, which is trying to stop from going out of business, seems to be using his name to get some attention. He wondered who is still paying for that service. Robin admitted that she still uses it. Howard couldn't believe that she was one of the few who is still keeping that company in business. Robin said that if that's what they're going to do, she's going to dump them.
Howard wondered what happened to AOL and why they got screwed. Gary said he thinks it was when the Time Warner takeover happened AOL dragged them down.
Howard played the audio clip where they talked about him being on that list. The guy says that Howard is moving up on the list to number 5. Howard said that the guy seems to think that people liked him better when he was on regular radio and now that he's on satellite, they think he's uglier.
Howard played another clip from CNN where they had a similar report about him being on that list. The reporter understood how Howard Stern and Simon Cowell made it to the list. There was another clip where the reporters discussed the list and the people on it. The same reporter from AOL was talking about Howard's move to satellite and how that made him seem uglier with the potty mouth.
Gary came in and told Howard that he had some news about AOL but he had to wear his glasses to read it. Gary said that their subscriber subscriptions plummeted in the last quarter. Their revenue has dropped as well of course. Robin said she's going to cancel her service now that she's heard this.
Howard got back to the audio clip where one of the reporters talked about how Howard isn't all that unsexy and he's much different off the air. Howard said he liked that chick and said that any woman would be honored to be with him like Beth is. It turned out it was Dr. Judy Kurianski that was saying nice things about Howard.
JD came in and said that he just pulled another clip from FOX news in Philly. They were just talking about him. JD also told Howard he thinks that he's sexy when Howard asked him about that. That led to Howard talking about JD and how he's always so down and thinking that people are beating on him. He also talked about how JD needs to give him a list of stuff he has to play so he knows what he has.
JD said that he feels that the stuff he pulls isn't that important. Artie told him that he can't have that episode. Howard had Fred play the audio clip that Richard created of JD laughing and hooting. He only had him play it for a few seconds though.
Robin asked Artie how he can have JD at these comedy shows. Artie said it's very awkward to have him around and he always has him making noises when he tells him he wants to pay him or anything like that. He said he's been helping him at his comedy shows and when he offers to pay him, he just gets an ''Errhhh'' from him.
Howard said that Robin was in Page Six this morning and read the article. It was a quick mention of her being at the Van Halen concert with Jim Florentine. Robin said that this has to end if Jim is just using her for publicity.
Howard played a couple of clips of the Fab Faux's performances from last night. They perform Beatles songs and do all of the sounds from the songs live, nothing pre-recorded. Howard said that Paul McCartney can pull off some of that stuff these days. They couldn't do it back in the days when the band was still together.
Howard read some mail about the Grandma Caprio vs. Beth bit they did the other day. Artie said that they should roast Grandma Caprio and have Howard go up at the end as Grandma. Howard went into his impression a short time later and did a little bit of that. Then Artie picked up the megaphone and did his Beth impression. Howard was talking about Artie and Dana and how Artie is sitting around and eating everything since he broke up with her. He was doing it all as if he were Grandma Caprio calling in. Artie was throwing out jokes about Howard's looks and chess playing as he was doing his Beth impression.
Grandma Caprio told Artie to quiet down at one point saying that his stuff was boring because it was about Howard Stern. Beth would throw out jokes about the wedding and how it will probably never happen and things like that. He was also joking about them having kids while Howard was goofing on Artie's weight. Robin was asking Grandma Caprio some questions and kept him going.
Grandma talked about how great Dana was and what a wonderful catch she was for Artie. Artie threw in a comment about how Beth could give great recipes for the most boring meals on the planet. Howard eventually came out of his impression and said that was enough. Artie, as Beth, said that was bullshit and got Howard back into it a little bit.
Howard got back to the mail and one guy wrote in about the call they got from the guy with the hand sanitizer problems. The guy suggested using ''Hands to Go'' which is alcohol free and available at Bed Bath and Beyond. It's alcohol free and won't cause the problems that the guy described yesterday.
Richard Christy came in and said that he loves Pizza Hut pizza. He said he likes the stuffed crust pizza. No one was surprised that Richard came in to talk about Pizza Hut. They goofed on him about liking that awful pizza. Robin said that she has people come into the city and when she takes their pizza order, they order stuff that doesn't even exist at a regular pizza place.
Richard said he likes to get Pizza Hut in Penn Station. Robin said that has to be the worst place to get that kind of pizza.
Howard said that guy Dog is very entertaining and he's going to start watching his show if they bring it back. He also said that Larry King should have him back every night to talk to him. Artie said that the guy has such a weird looking face that you can't even tell when he's crying. Artie said that the guy is clearly nuts because he's seen him on his show. He said that one second the guy will be arresting the guy and going off on him, then two minutes later he's preaching to the guy in the car. Howard said that Dog was born in the wrong era and he should have been around in the times of Ghengis Khan. He said that Chuck Zito is the same way.
Eric said that he was listening to the replay of the show yesterday and they were making fun of him from beginning to end. Howard said that they always make fun of him, what's new about that? Eric said that he was going to have his family playing big parts in the movie and they want nothing to do with Howard. Howard told him to go ahead and try to get that movie made then. Howard told Eric that he agrees then and he's not going to make this film.
Howard told Eric that it's a bad idea and thanked him for letting him off the hook. He said that he's saying goodbye now then. Eric said he had another offer and asked if Howard TV would follow the production from beginning to end. Artie told him he's a shithead and they're done with him. Howard thanked Eric for calling in and said that they'll see if the movie ever gets made. Eric said it will but Howard said they'll see about that.
Eric said that he wanted Howard to read the outlines during a break or something. Howard said he doesn't read outlines and he's certainly not going to read one that he's not going to make. Eric said that Howard isn't making any films but Howard told him that he is in production for the remake of Pokey's and he's also working on TV shows. He knows the business and Eric has insulted him for the last time.
Eric said he just doesn't want to have the movie on his channel. Howard said he won't, that's fine. Eric was also offering them to have the theatrical release but Howard said he wasn't interested. He told Eric that he's a wise businessman and he knows that he has to go work on his script.
Howard said that he knows that Howard TV was in pre-production on this but now they have to pull it. He told Gary to put the Beetlejuice movie on the front burner now. They played some of Beet's laughs and Artie said that's what they're going to call the movie ''Hahahhahaha.''
Howard took a call from a guy who couldn't believe that Eric pulled his movie like that. Howard and the guys think that Eric will come crawling back. The guy also talked about how great that Fab Faux show was last night. Howard spent a minute talking about that and how he should have had the Shaw Blades guys do the same thing.
Howard said that Beth is going to have her mom and aunt come in for Thanksgiving. Her dad would usually be there but he's got some business thing going on. Howard said he had him out there this summer. He said they all got wasted together and had a good time.
The caller asked Artie if he would ever do that Dancing with the Stars show. Artie said he doubts it but it would be kind of funny to see him trying to dance. The guys talked about how the people on that show seem to get into shape from dancing so it might be good for Artie. Robin said she's not sure if she'd be able to do it if she was offered the chance. She said that she was a good dancer when she was young though. Howard said that they might have to do a parody of the show and do it for Howard TV. He said they'd have to treat it seriously though and he doesn't want to commit to it that much. Artie said that he'd have to commit to something like that if he was going to do it and he just can't bring himself to commit to something so lame.
The caller also talked about how the Michael Jordan divorce cost him $168 million. That led to the guys talking about that for a couple of minutes and how that was one of the highest divorce settlements in history. Robin said that it wasn't the highest though. The guys talked about how some of these rich broads don't even lift a finger and they still get all of this money for something they had nothing to do with. Howard said that this is why people need pre-nups. He said that Paul McCartney is a perfect example. He didn't have a pre-nup and now he's suffering for it.
The guys talked about Michael Jordan and how he's got a son in college who is really good at basketball. Howard said if he were his kid he wouldn't even touch a basketball.
Richard came in and said that he and his friend put in their video tapes and started the movie at the same time. They watched it at the same time for a short time and then got off the phone. They didn't call each other at the end or anything like that. Richard said he watched the whole movie and he's not sure if his friend even finished watching it. He said that they both saw the movie ''Legends of the Fall'' four times back when that was out. Howard said he doesn't get that and he doesn't know what to make of it. Robin didn't either.
The caller said that he has gay friends and even they're not that gay. Howard let the guy go and took a call from Dominic Barbara who was saying that there are settlements higher than Michael Jordan's but you'll never hear about them. Dominic told the guys about some of that stuff and explained how some of those divorces work out. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said that he was charged with a third degree felony and a DUI. Howard said that Hulk Hogan must be beside himself over that. Artie said that it could be bumped up to a vehicular manslaughter thing if the guy dies. He's still alive as far as he knows. Howard said he doesn't know much about it and hasn't read much about it in the news. Robin said that it has been in the news a bit though.
Irish John called in and said that there's a weird video on YouTube with Beth jogging next to some creepy guy and he's asking her out and she tells him that she's got a boyfriend. Howard said he knew nothing about it.
Howard and the guys talked about the Nick Hogan thing a little longer. They found some more stories about him and talked about how weird the whole case is. Howard wondered why anyone would want to have kids after reading a story like that. Nick's family could be responsible for the accident because he's still a minor. He said that they should hold off on giving drivers licenses until kids are 18 years old so they can be held responsible. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard had Lisa G come in after that. Lisa said that they heard that Shaw Blades was performing that Beth song and she wondered if Howard had firmed up any wedding plans yet. Howard said that they haven't done that yet. They have picked out a spot and it would probably happen in the fall, not in the summer. Howard said that he doesn't want to tie up anyone in the summer because he hates that. He said Ross had his wedding in the summer and it bummed him out.
Howard said that they're in no rush to get married so it wouldn't be until next year at least. He said that two months ago Beth didn't want to plan a whole wedding. Lisa cares because she wants to report on the wedding. Howard said he'll let her know when the plans are final.
Lisa said that Artie's Playboy article is coming out soon and she's seen a preview of it already. She described some of the stuff in the article. Howard said it would be great if Artie were nude in that article. Artie said that they have like one big picture in there but it took four hours to shoot. He said that all of the chicks at the photo shoot were all really hot too. He said that they all just ignore him and that makes them even hotter when they do that.
Howard said he knows what he means. There are some chicks who are just sitting there for no reason and they never introduce themselves and just sit there. Artie said it was very weird for him to experience that. He said it was fun but it was four hours worth of pictures and they used just one of them. Howard said he always tells these guys that he only has a half hour to shoot so they keep it short.
Artie said that he was trying to be witty during the shoot and it was all very uncomfortable. He said they asked him if he wanted a song playing and they had nothing he wanted to hear. Howard said that he did a big shoot once and the only song that worked for him was an Eminem song. He ended up playing the song and showed how he was posing at the shoot.
Lisa said that they have an interview with Siobhan's brother Mark who gave her money for her sex change operation. He had to take out a second mortgage on his home. Siobhan has paid back about $9,000 of the money that she borrowed from him but she still owes him quite a bit.
Frank said that the first celebrity impression he did was Leno. He said that he used to do an impression of Chris Farley doing his characters but he doesn't consider those real impressions of the actual people. He said that he started doing the Leno thing in college and he'd bobble his head around like Jay does.
Frank said that he used to be that spaz type of kid in school and people would gather around him and watch him do his thing. Howard said that he must have wanted to find something to make him special. Frank said that the Leno thing did make him realize what he was put on this earth for.
Frank was doing his Leno impression and Howard said it was so good that it made him want to punch him in the head. He tried talking to Frank, as Leno, about him stealing Stuttering John away from the show behind his back. Artie thought that he had the impression down really well and he did a lot of subtle little things that Leno actually does.
Frank did some of his Al Pacino impression and showed how he's changed over the years. He did a young Pacino and said that sounds like Craig Gass' impression. Then he did the newer one that's more of a yelling type of thing. He did that for a minute and talked about the way the guy has changed over the years. Frank also did some of his Robin Williams impression.
Frank also did some of his Jonathan Winters impression real quick and said about 7 people would remember who that guy is. Howard asked Frank about his career and found out that he replaced Jimmy Kimmel on the football games over at FOX. Frank said he did that because Kimmel went off to do his own thing at ABC. Howard thought that they got rid of Jimmy because he pissed off some of the guys that he was working with. Frank said that he has fun with those guys and he doesn't think that they didn't like Jimmy.
Frank told Howard about how Howie and Terry will drive to the games themselves instead of getting a driver. He said he went with them one day and it turned into a three stooges episode. Howard read that Frank did a John Madden impression and he didn't even know what he sounded like. Frank went into that impression and had Artie laughing his ass off. Howard asked him if he ever did that in front of John. Frank said that Madden won't come near him so he hasn't done that for him.
Howard said that doing the Madden thing got Frank a lot of attention in his early career. Frank said that he'll sometimes pull that impression out when he's doing interviews. He said he uses it as a crutch, or more of a stretcher, to save his interviews.
Howard said that Frank even got to do an impression of David Letterman in front of Dave. Frank said that they were doing the Impression week over there and he went on and did just a little bit because they didn't want him to go too crazy with it.
Artie said that he heard that Letterman was uptight about Norm MacDonald doing his Letterman impression on Saturday Night Live. Howard said he used to get calls from Letterman's people asking them to stop with the Evil Dave stuff too.
Howard asked Frank why he never went to SNL himself. Frank said he just never had them come and find him like they usually do. He said that they already had Darrel Hammond and guys like that on the show so they didn't need a guy to do impressions. He said that he knew how to do the voices and stuff but he didn't know how to act.
Howard said that Frank actually does an impression of Norm MacDonald. Frank said he did it for Norm but he doesn't actually like doing stuff like that for the actual celebrities. He went into a little bit of that for a minute and he did sound quite a bit like Norm.
Frank said that he's got a new show coming out but they've been cut down from 8 episodes to 5 because of this strike that's going on. The show is called Frank TV and it premieres November 20th on TBS. Artie said that he remembers doing the sketch shows and how awful the make-up was. He said he'd sit there for hours getting made up and it was just so bad.
Howard had Frank do some of his George W. Bush impression as he asked him some questions as if he were the President. Howard had some fun with that for a short time and Frank had the impression down really good. He said that sometimes Bush will have problems finding the last word of a sentence and you root for him to come out with it.
Howard said that Frank does Sean Connery and he liked what he saw him doing on his web site. He had him go into that impression for a few seconds. Howard then asked him to go into his Jerry Seinfeld impression for a few seconds. He did that and then went into his Michael Richards impression. Frank went nuts and did a whole Seinfeld thing with all of the characters. He said he does that on his Frank TV show too.
Frank said that he likes to find people's gimmicks and he plays off of those. Robin asked Frank if he does a Howard impression. Frank said he does not have a Howard impression. There are a couple of guys who do Howard and Howard said he's honored when someone takes the time to learn how to do his voice.
Howard had Frank do his Chris Rock impression and asked him if he does that one in black face. Frank said he wouldn't call it black face, he'd call it ''make up.'' That led to Howard asking Frank about doing an impression of James Brown the football guy. Frank said that FOX asked him not to do it for a while.
Frank did his Chris Rock impression a little bit and also did a Charles Barkley impression. He concentrates on the way Barkley says ''terrible'' which sounds like ''turrible.'' Howard said that Frank is doing a stand-up special, All Over the Place, that's airing this Friday night on TBS. He gave him some plugs for that and for his new TV show.
Howard took some calls and one woman said that she'd be happy to watch his show but she wanted to punch him in the face after the baseball playoffs because they pushed his show so much on TBS. Another caller said that Frank does the announcer for the Super Friends. Frank went into that for a couple of seconds. That led to the guys talking about the characters that were in that group.
Howard took another call from a woman who said that she loved him on MAD TV. She said that Gilbert Gottfried must have been a big mentor for him. Frank said that he really wasn't and he wasn't sure why she'd think that. He did a little bit of his Gilbert impression after that though.
Howard had Frank do some of his Jack Nicholson impression for him. Artie talked about working on MAD TV since both of them had been on the show at different times. Frank told the guys about doing a skit one time where they did a Price is Right bit. He said that he did a Rod Roddy impression one time and demonstrated that for the guys.
Frank said that he gave up on MAD TV eventually and he thought that his comedy was goofier than what they were doing there. He said that he wanted to be himself and do his thing. He said he always wanted to play to people his age and not to the younger audience that MAD TV wanted him to play to. Howard said he'd stick with any audience that he could get.
Frank did a little bit of his Donald Trump impression so Howard played along with him and asked him some questions as if he were Trump. The impression did sound very much like him. Frank said that Howard was making him work today but he liked that.
Howard wished Frank luck with his career and told him he enjoyed having him there. Frank was telling the guys about how he thinks that he used the same nose prosthetic that Artie had used for his Ed McMahon impression when he was on. Howard said that Frank used that and got high from the cock residue that was left in it. They joked around about that for a short time and then Howard wrapped up and went to break.
Howard said that he's got a lot of stuff to get to today. He said that Greg Fitzsimmons was going to come in later on. He also has some clips of Sal and Richard goofing on Gary the Retard. He said that Gary Garver was also out at the OJ Simpson trial and got some interviews with people out there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he works for a local TV news station and they interviewed Beth and she didn't have her engagement ring on. Howard said she doesn't always wear it because she's afraid of losing it when she's working with the dogs and stuff.
The caller also asked how Robin found that story about Kanye West's mother dying yesterday because they didn't even know about it before Robin read it. They heard it from Robin before they got it over the wire. Robin said that she just got it off the wire, she didn't have any special sources.
The caller told Artie that if he starts drinking distilled water, instead of regular water, he should start losing weight like crazy. He said he was drinking a gallon a day for a while and lost some weight. Howard said that a lot of your hunger is thirst so that can help to drink instead of eating. The guy said that when he was drinking the water he had some nasty craps coming out because the body was apparently cleaning out a lot of crap. Howard said that he knows people who lost weight by actually eating less. Remarkable.
Howard said those calls remind him of this movie Charlie where some guys in a bakery jerk around a guy but they're not much smarter than him. He said that Sal isn't all that much smarter than Gary the Retard is.
Garver was on the phone so Howard asked him what went on there. Garver said that he was asking questions as he was getting out of his car and stuff and just went for it while everyone was trying to take his picture. Howard played the clip of Garver asking OJ a bunch of questions about the murders, Howard Stern and why he's such a fuck up.
Garver said he went into the court room to watch what was going on and OJ called him over to talk to him and that's when he asked him about working for Howard. He said that OJ told him that he has SIRIUS and he does listen to the show once in a while. He said it was pretty wild that he even recognized him after 10 years. He said that it was back in 1998 when he last got an interview with him on the golf course.
Howard said that there's still a media circus going on outside this trial of OJs. He said Garver interviewed some people outside the trial. He played a clip of Garver asking a guy dressed up as a rabbit about what he was doing there. The guy had a spokesperson with him there. The spokesman answered for the guy dressed as a rabbit. Garver asked the guy a bunch of questions and he had answers for everything he was asking.
Howard said he thinks that guy is the type of person OJ has tried to avoid his whole life. Howard said that there's another clip but it was with the same guy. Howard played that one but it was the same interview done a second time. Garver said that he thought he'd screwed up the first one so he did it over.
Howard asked Garver what he's got going on now. Gary said that he's doing a show on KSEX.com. He said he wanted to get on the air and he took the job because they were willing to pay him out there. Howard thought it must be weird to do a show where no one listens. Gary said he didn't care as long as he was on the air.
Howard said that they spent less time debating the war in Iraq than they have with this satellite merger. They're wasting taxpayer time and money by spending so long on something so simple. He said that if they had spent 10 months debating the Iraq war, they would have figured out that there were no weapons of mass destruction over there.
Robin said she went off on a guy who told her that he missed them on regular radio. She said that no one cared about them when they were on regular radio and they were telling everyone what the government was doing to them. Everyone just let it pass as if it were nothing.
Howard said that Ronnie was telling him about some of the cool stuff that they have out for people's cars. Ronnie said that they have a replacement brain for GM cars that can replace the XM brain. He said that they've made it even smaller than it used to be and they fight right into the spot where the XM brains fit. He said that it's a really amazing product and he's not sure why they don't push that more than the regular radios.
Howard said that Ronnie was all nervous talking about that and he's not sure why. Ronnie wasn't sure why either. The caller said that they even have TV available in some Chrysler products. The caller said that he'd like to have Howard TV available on SIRIUS TV. Howard said that they kind of aim that stuff toward kids. The caller was talking about getting Howard TV on satellite TV, not about SIRIUS TV. Howard told him that On Demand is different than Pay-Per-View and it doesn't work on satellite TV.
Artie said he was talking to some people from XM who told him that they're actually selling some of their satellite service to other people. They're doing that to make some money.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she's been telling people about this merger thing and she thinks that not enough people know about what it will mean. Howard said that they could have both baseball and football on the service if it goes through. He said that he's not sure what the hold up is.
Greg said that he never really wanted to do what his dad did but that's exactly what he ended up doing. He just got his first paycheck for doing the same job that his dad did.
Howard said that they're still looking for the Hottest Chick with the Smallest Tits for the contest they have coming up. He said they've gotten some already but they're still looking.
Howard got back to Greg and said that the last time he talked to him he was on his way to do the Pat Cooper roast. He asked Artie how he did. There was a moment of silence as Artie was trying to get down some food. He was eating some grilled chicken and rice and it wasn't easy to get it down. Artie went on to say that Greg killed at the roast and made an observation that helped him out. He said that Belzer had sniffles at the roast and Greg referenced that. He was hearing it too so he commented on it as well.
Greg was saying that most comedians get cast in comedies but Belzer gets dramas all the time. Greg said he'd like to get in on that as well. He said the sitcom thing ain't working these days and maybe this strike will help weed out some of those awful shows that are on now.
Greg told Howard about how he got started out in the business and actually used to ask Pat about some of his jokes. Pat would actually help him out and guide him. He said that Pat would say exactly how he felt and that's what the new comedians are finally starting to do. Greg said that he sent a long letter to Pat about all of that and he got a manilla envelope back with just a signed black and white photo of him in it. He said that the photo is hanging on his office wall now though.
Greg talked about how Pat was at the roast with a girl that he thought was his daughter. She told him that she had never seen him do one of these things before so Greg was kind of surprised by that. He said that he was talking to her about that and then all of a sudden Pat was yelling at her to get going. He said he thinks that Pat is like 81 years old or something like that. Artie said he thinks he said he was 78.
Howard said that Greg used to work for Ellen Degeneres as a writer. He asked how long he was there. Greg said he was there for the first two seasons and then he was fired. He said he got the call from his agent to pack up his stuff and get the hell out. He said he can't talk about what went on there because of his non-disclosure thing. He said that he thinks that she should support the writers and maybe not do her show the way she is.
Greg said that they really don't want to strike but they have to do that to get what they want. He said that they'd like to sit down and work things out and have everyone walk away with something. Howard said he's heard that the guys like Letterman, Leno and Jon Stewart are going to have to go back on the air eventually. They're cutting staff and everyone is going to be fired if they don't go back to work.
Greg said that they know that people are going to lose their houses over this strike. He said it was an inevitable thing though. He said that the writers don't stand to get paid from shows and movies moving to the internet. That's where it's going for people now and the writers are just trying to get their fair share. Greg said that the union is a middle class union, it's not a high class thing like it's being painted as.
Howard said he knows a guy who writes in Hollywood and he really doesn't make a lot of money. He gets a break now and then but he's not making huge money. Artie said that when you have a gig on a sitcom it eats up all of your time. If you broke it down to an hourly rate, you'd see that they're really not making a lot of money.
Howard asked Greg what he thinks the outcome will be and how long this will last. Greg said that they probably won't even see a roadmap for a compromise for a couple of month. Howard said that's good because then he won't have to do his Letterman appearance.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard about his hatred toward black people from years ago. He said he thinks that he had more hate back before he started his therapy. He said that he gets a feeling that Howard was bit more harsh on people back then and he's uneasy listening to those old shows. Howard said that he hasn't changed at all and he's never considered himself a racist.
Howard said that when he was growing up his community was mostly black so he was the minority there. He said that you'd think that the racism would stop when the black community was bigger than the white. He said that didn't happen though.
Greg got in a plug for the shows he's doing at the Stress Factory this weekend. He said you can find out more about where he's appearing at Myspace.com/FitzDog
Howard read through some e-mail and one person wrote in about how Wendy the Retard was at a Danny and the Juniors show down in Florida. The guys in the band were apparently happy that they were brought up on the show. That led to Howard playing their song ''The Hop'' and talking about how they must really be sick of performing that song. They also played their ''Rock and Roll is Here To Stay'' song that wasn't all that much different than The Hop. Howard said it was nice to hear from Danny and the Juniors.
Steve said that they have a story about Miss Howard TV October, Stefanie Petruso, about being on the show and if anyone gave her douche chills. She said that she didn't get douche chills but Artie did kind of come on strong when she was in there. Howard said that she was really hot too, he was looking at her pictures. Howard said that it wasn't the chick who was in yesterday though. Howard said that the chick who was in yesterday is a really well known model from what Beth was telling him.
Steve said that they have an update on Big Foot who has been threatened. They'll have more on that and they also have an update on the latest auction to come into the studio. Steve got in a couple of plugs for the stuff they had coming up on Howard 101 today and then wrapped up.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she saw Greg with Artie over the weekend and really liked the show. She threw a bunch of comments out and said that she didn't like his suit. He said he always performs in a suit.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll be talking about Frank Caliendo's visit, some stuff about JD and a bunch of other stuff that they covered on the show today. They went to break a short time later.
Greg said that he used to take his 3 year old son and have him prank call his friend. He'd whisper stuff in his son's ear and have him repeating after him. He'd have him say stuff about him having AIDS and stuff like that.
Howard played another song from that album where they throw out the N-word every few words. Howard said the song sounded kind of like ''We are The World.'' There was another one called ''Oh God I Married a nig*er.'' Artie said that those may have been Nicole Brown Simpson's last words. Robin said that's the song that they might have to play on the show.
Howard read off some of the other song titles on the CD and had Robin pick one out. He played one called ''All Good Things Come From Africa'' but didn't make it too long into that one. He then played one called ''Like a nig*er on Pay Day.'' Robin said she wanted to hear that one.
Howard said that the album hasn't quite made it into the top 5 songs yet. Greg wondered in what town you could put that CD out. Artie said there are a couple out there.
The guys talked about the Tonight Show for a few minutes because NBC has threatened to fire the staff if the show stays dark much longer. They're thinking of having some guest hosts fill in for Jay while he's out.
Ivy said that she has to turn herself in on Thursday because she vandalized his club, Plum, and glued some stuff on his front door. Gary said that maybe she could go to court to get the money that she thinks she's owed. She said that she doesn't want to go to court over $1000. The guys told her that she's going to jail over it now though.
Ivy said that she glued some stuff to his door and jammed up his locks with glue too. Howard said she can't just go out and commit mindless acts of vandalism like that. She has to do it the right way. Gary said that she's making sense right now but yesterday she wasn't. He said that she sounded like she was on crystal meth yesterday when he left a message for him.
Gary read one of her e-mails that she sent to him yesterday where she described what she did to this club door. Howard said that maybe Ivy needs a man to go inside of her to calm her down. Artie offered to come out and fuck her today if she wanted. She said that she'd like to come to his apartment because her's is a mess. Artie said that he'd rather not have her at his apartment. Greg said that Artie doesn't want anything glued to his door.
Ivy gave out her voice mail number and said that anyone who can help her out with the $10,000 that she needs to get out of jail can call her. Howard gave her $500 courtesy of one of their advertisers. Ivy wondered if Artie was really going to come out and fuck her. Gary said that she will really hook up with him too so he should go for it. Greg didn't even know who she was. The guys said that she's a designer who makes hats for the stars.
Ivy told Artie to call her after the show and tell her where they're going to meet. Artie sounded a little thrown off when she said that she'd make him cum like 20 times. Howard went into his Grandma Caprio impression and had some fun goofing on him about going out with Ivy when he could have kept Dana around. Artie went into his Beth impression and shot back some jokes about Howard as well. He was making a lot of jokes about Beth getting pregnant and stuff like that.
Howard had Robin get back to her news after that. She read through a bunch of stories and then Yucko the Clown called in. He said that he went out to dinner with Greg and Andy Dick one night. He said that Andy actually got a restaurant owner to open up the place that they were just closing up. Greg said that Andy just got up and left in the middle of it so he had to shell out a bunch of money to the people who hung around with them to open up the restaurant.
Artie wondered if Yucko gets all made up for those calls he makes. Howard said he probably does but Artie figured he doesn't and he finds that sad.
Robin got back to her news and read through a few more stories before Howard ended the show. He gave Artie and Greg some plugs for their upcoming shows and then ended the show around 10:30am.
Howard started off the show welcoming everyone to the show. He said that Hall of Hall and Oates will be coming in today. He's the one in the group who doesn't look like Baba Booey. Robin suggested that they have Gary sit next to him so it looks like they have both of them in there. Robin also said that they have rejected the guy before and wondered what made Howard break down and let him on. Gary told Robin that they had rejected him until they found out some stuff that was interesting enough to have him on the show. His publicist kept going back to him trying to dig stuff up and finally came through.
Howard talked about Hall and Oates for a few minutes after that. They talked about who the brains of the group was and how Hall was the one who wrote most of the stuff. Gary came in and said he thinks that it was a collaborative effort there and it wasn't like Simon and Garfunkle where Simon had all of the writing talent.
Gary said he's pretty sure that Hall and Oates weren't like that. He started to get into it again so Howard told him to hold off until the guy comes in. Gary said that they are the biggest singing duo of all time and that gets them a spot on the show. Howard mentioned that Larry Pierce is going to be coming in today as well.
Howard said that Fred Thompson doesn't even seem like he's into getting into office. He said he seems to be less of a Type A personality than even Ronald Regan was. Howard didn't know the woman's name so he asked the guys if they knew. Fred said it was Jeri Kean or something like that. She's 41 years old according to what they read but Howard said that she can't be that old. He said that she still has that ''young hair'' that 40 year old women usually lose.
Howard and the guys talked about how sometimes you see a hot chick, from behind, walking down the street in New York City but they turn out to be not so hot. Howard said that he has seen someone that looks like Carmen Electra from behind and then you get up and see their face and you find a Beatrice Arthur.
Howard wondered if Kanye's mother went to a black doctor just because he was black. Robin said she thinks that she may have gone to him because he was the only one willing to do the procedure that she wanted. Howard said that he's no Dog the Bounty Hunter and saying that all black doctors are bad. He's just wondering if black people will only go to black doctors. Robin said that some do.
Howard said that the movie he pitched him the other day wasn't quite what he was looking for. He said that his audience wants to see him with hot chicks. Robin asked why they can't have the script he has right now. Howard said that he's holding out for a big time Hollywood deal on that one.
Eric said that it's too bad that he can't call in next week to talk about this. He then realized that he can have two weeks to work on the scrip. Artie told him that they'll come in next week just for that. Howard told Eric to work on an action film. Howard suggested he come up with a movie where he's ''Lil Bond'' or ''002 1/2.''
Eric said that he'll work on something and have some ideas after Thanksgiving. He said that he sent the two script outlines to a guy who's on Little People Big World for his opinion. No one knew who he was though. Robin knew the show though and said it's great.
Howard threw out a bunch of ideas for Eric to work on. He had one where Eric could play a cannonball in a war movie. Fred then threw in some music to go along with those ideas. Howard said that he could even play ''Lil Hitler'' where he's playing him as a young boy. He said that Eric could play the part and boss everyone around. He said that he could have a Hitler look if they put a moustache on him. He said he'd have to learn German though. He told him he could even do it in English if he wants to. He asked Eric to say ''I'm five years old, are you a Jew?'' Eric wasn't interested in playing that part.
Howard said he had pitched Eric a bunch of stuff he was interested in and if Eric can work on something like that, he'd be interested in it. He said he needs some fun, action and hot chicks in this movie. Robin likes the spy thing and Eric wearing a tuxedo playing the part. Howard said that Eric could be in black face when he gets in disguise. Eric said he had an idea himself. He said that he could do an Oceans 11 type movie. He couldn't think of any buddies to have in the movie but he'd be the one robbing the casino. Howard said he could disguise himself as a poker chip.
Howard suggested ''Midget Harry'' instead of Dirty Harry. Eric didn't like that one. Robin thought that he should do an Edward G Robinson movie. Howard threw out a ''Planet of the Midgets'' movie that was like Planet of the Apes. He and Robin threw out some ideas for that one. Artie threw out one called ''Wee Largo'' instead of Key Largo. Eric didn't want anything with the word Midget in it. Howard said that's fine. Howard then threw out ''Midgetblanca'' instead of Casablanca. Eric wasn't happy with that. Howard said that Midget Godfather would be out of the question then. That didn't stop he and Artie from going into their Godfather scenes doing them in their midget voices.
Eric didn't like the midget thing so Howard suggested ''Smallfellas'' instead of Goodfellas. Eric didn't want anything to do with henry Hill and that's what Goodfellas was about. Howard threw out some other ideas but Eric wasn't going along with many of them. Artie said that Eric could play the part of Al Pacino's gun in Scarface at the end of the movie. He said ''Say hello to my little friend...'' and Eric would be his little friend. They threw out ''Forest Stump'' and some other movie ideas.
Howard told Eric to get started on something but asked him not to get too wordy. Fred threw out one more idea of ''Midget Frankenstein'' or ''Lil Dracula.'' Howard liked the Dracula thing. Eric didn't like that idea because he said that Jonathan Lipniki had done something similar to what they were subscribing. Artie was still on the Midget Godfather thing and threw out another line. Eric said that he's more Irish than Italian so he didn't want to play that part. The guys told him that he's acting, he doesn't need to actually be Italian. Marlon Brando wasn't Italian either so the guys told Eric he'd be fine in that part.
Eric said he liked some of the ideas and he'll get working on them. Howard thanked him for calling in and said that he can be nude in them if he wants. Eric said that he's not going to be nude in any movie. Artie said that if he plays the part of Al Pacino's gun they'd have to figure out what part of him would be the trigger. Howard said he's not trying to bust Eric's balls and he really wants an original film from this guy. He said he thinks his fans want to see this kind of programming. He told Eric he was sold and said he hopes that it works out. It sounds promising at this point but they don't know if it'll actually get made.
Howard let Eric go but then threw out another idea of ''American Midget in London.'' Howard asked Doug Goodstein if they can actually do something like this. Doug came in and said that they are going to take it seriously and they will give Eric a budget if Howard is behind this. Artie said he had a friend, Joey Nelms, called him last night and told him that he'd direct Eric's movie. He said he's directed some short films and he'd love to do this. Howard said that he's got the part if he's directed ''short'' films.
Howard said that he saw who got voted off in the paper as he was talking about the show. He said that Jenni Garth is very weird on that show. She makes weird twitchy faces during the show and looks like she's going to fall apart at any moment. Howard was doing an impression of her twitches for the guys in the studio and it got a laugh out of them. Artie said the impression makes it look like she's on crystal meth. That led to the guys talking about how that stuff can really fuck up people's looks. They
Howard said that he saw Richard Simmons on that Dancing with the Stars and he's really not aging well. He said that he's still wearing that tank top and short shorts and he's looking kind of flabby. He's 59 years old according to the info that Fred found. Howard said that Jenni Garth was so fucked up that they had Richard Simmons come in to give her confidence. Artie said that made him want to watch that show.
Howard said that Jenni Garth was actually taking Richard seriously. He played some audio of her talking to Richard about all of that. Artie said he really does have to watch that show after hearing that clip. The guys talked about Richard for a few minutes after that and goofed on him about some of the weird stuff he's done over the years. They also had some edited clips of Richard that the guys put together so it sounded like he was saying some really weird stuff.
Howard said that he was listening to that call that Sal did with Gary the Retard during the replay yesterday and he wanted to play it again because it was so funny. He went right into the call after that. Sal was transferring Gary the Retard to Chinese food restaurants and Gary thought he was being transferred to a secretary. Gary got all pissed off and demanded that Sal get back on the phone. He demanded that he put Richard on the phone over and over again. Howard wondered what Gary wanted to talk to Richard so badly about. He said that Sal sure knows how to bust balls.
Howard said that Crazy Alice called in and left some voice mail the other day and that led to Sal and Richard calling and busting her balls. Howard played the voice mail she left where she complains about not having her show airing on Howard TV or something. Then he played the call that Richard and Benjy did. They had their voices disguised so she wouldn't know it was them. They told her that they weren't going to put her Howard TV episode up on the service because no one gives a shit about her. She called them some names and then hung up on him. Benjy called back as a woman, with his voice going through something that really changed it to sound like a woman. He told her that many of the people at the company are Jewish and that's why they weren't going to put her show up. Meanwhile her show did air on Howard TV. Benjy called Alice back as a woman again and she went off on her calling her a cunt and screaming at her not to call again. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Richard has no act and what he does inspire people and he's always really high energy. He had him over to his house one time with Chuck Norris and Joe Piscopo and Richard ended up throwing food into his pool. He said he wanted to punch the guy when he did that. Howard said that was a dinner party from hell. There was no reason to have those three people at that party.
Howard played a prank call the guys made using clips of Richard Simmons' voice from his audio books. They had a guy that they jerked around for a few minutes using those clips. After that one Howard played another call that the guys made with those clips. In that one they called a call in show and played Richard asking dopey questions that they had created.
Howard said that when he came over to his house it was such a nightmare. He said he was trying to be show business like by having over Chuck Norris and Joe Piscopo. He said it seemed reasonable but then Richard went crazy. He said that Richard came over one other time and almost broke his housekeeper's ribs when he picked her up to hug her.
Howard said he wanted to drown Richard when he was throwing the food in his pool. He didn't want to deal with that nuttiness. He played the clip from Dancing with the Stars where Richard was singing and said he does a lot of that. Robin said he used to do that out on the street when they'd go to Broadway shows and stuff.
Grandma Caprio asked Artie if he spoke to Dana last night. Artie didn't know who he was supposed to be, himself or Beth. Howard wanted him to be Artie as he was asking him about Dana. Howard had a lot of details about his relationship with Dana so Artie threw out some comments about Beth that he threw right back. He was joking around about wanting to make out with guys she had been with before.
Grandma Caprio was talking about the dog that Dana had and how she wanted her to get rid of it and put Artie in the house. Robin said that Dana was so good that she would get out of the car and get him cigarettes for him. She did that in the Bronx no less. Grandma Caprio said that they don't want Artie walking the streets in the Bronx. They need him around because he's the most important person in the family.
Artie kept throwing in one liners about Beth while Howard was going on and on as Grandma Caprio. Artie said he needed some writers but they were apparently on strike. Howard continued with the Grandma Caprio thing and Artie threw in a joke about Beth needing to go out to take care of a poodle that broke a leg and a cat that was running a fever.
Grandma Caprio asked Artie who he's dated that was better than Dana. Artie said that they were all much more expensive than Dana. Howard kept the impression going and did all of this with his megaphone. Artie tired to get in more one liners but it didn't stop Howard. He ended up singing a song about Artie and Dana and eventually saying goodbye to Artie. Grandma Caprio told Artie to marry Dana as she was getting off the ''phone.''
Artie said he felt that it was getting a little hostile. Howard said that Grandma was just saying that she thinks that Artie loves Dana. He went back into the impression for another few seconds. The caller said that they really were taking digs at each other during those fake calls. Artie said that Howard has never even met the woman that he's doing the impression of. At least he's met Beth.
The caller asked Artie what the chances are that he'll get back with Dana. Artie said that it's about a 2. Howard went into his impression again and said that it was nice that there was a chance that he'd get back together with Dana.
Lisa said that Beth O was in a magazine shown as wearing a dress better than a couple of other celebrities. Howard said that if she hadn't worn it best, he would have dumped her. He said he loved the sexy shoes that she wore in that picture.
Lisa said they have a story about Will the Farter wrapping up his first porn film shoot. The guys spent a couple of minutes on that. Lisa also said that Page 69 has a new report about Richard Christy going into the bathroom and peeing as Isaac was washing his hands. They have that and more today on Howard 100 News.
Howard had Larry Pierce come in after that. Larry has been on the show a couple of times in the past. Howard played one of Larry's songs called ''Will You Swallow My Cum'' that they've played before. Larry came in a short time later. Howard played ''She's a Worthless Cunt'' once Larry came in. He was letting the fans know what he does by playing those songs.
Howard asked Larry about his marriage and he claims that it's a good one. She was actually there with him today. He said that this is his second wife though and wouldn't say if the songs were about his first wife. Howard said that he had some other songs to play and asked Larry which one he should play. He ended up playing ''She Licked My Scrotum.''
Howard asked Larry how his career is going. Larry said that things are going fine. He's got a documentary out about his life and it's making it's premiere tonight in New York. He said that a couple of guys from there in New York put it together. Larry said that it's mostly about him but it also follows some other underground performers like Hot Nuts and Blow Fly and Dr. Dirty John Valby. Red Peters is also in the movie.
Richard came in and said that he saw the movie and it was fascinating. He said they follow Larry around and you get to see him performing his songs in his garage with his band. Larry said the garage is off the street enough so that the neighbors don't have to see or hear it.
Howard played another one of Larry's songs called ''There Ain't Nothin Like A Good Hard Fuckin.'' Howard said that's another great one. Richard said that Larry can come up with like 15 songs in 2 weeks when the record company calls him and asks him to come up with new stuff. Larry said he's been very busy lately and he's got a new one called ''Big Tit Linda.'' He said he knows no one named Linda so that's why he picked that name. He didn't want to be accused of writing a song about someone he knows.
Richard said that Larry's wife comes to all of his shows and cheers him on. Howard said that must be a bummer because he can't pick up any groupies or anything. Howard wanted to meet her so he had the guys bring her in. Howard asked her if she thinks that the songs are genius or not. She said that she doesn't think they are but sounded like she was just joking around.
Howard asked Larry's wife, Sandy, about their family life and found out they have 3 kids. He wondered if she worries about Larry wanting to do other women and stuff like that. She said that she hopes that all of the songs are just fantasy. She said that they still have sex and Larry would move on if they weren't still doing it.
Howard played another one of Larry's songs where he sings about a yeast infection. Howard asked him how long ago he wrote that one. Larry said it must have been 10 years or so. Howard wondered if he wrote it as a warning for his wife or what. Larry would only say that he did have an ex-wife.
Richard said that Larry's mother is just as dirty as Larry is. She's in her 80s and she's just as dirty as him. Howard went into another one of his songs as they were talking about that. The next song was ''I Think About You Every Time I Shit.''
Howard said that Eric the Midget called in the last time Larry was on and talked about how he wasn't a real performer. Larry actually wrote a song about Eric after that. Larry went right into the song after that. The song was quick and to the point telling Eric not to call the show again if he doesn't like him.
Larry said that he didn't know what his biggest hit was but this song that he was going to perform must be it. He broke into the song right after that and sang ''I Like To Fuck.'' Larry said he really does like to fuck after he finished the song. Howard asked if they're still doing it like 4 times a week. Larry said that they do it at least that many times a week.
Howard asked Sandy about how good Larry is and she told Howard that he's really great. Howard said he'd like to know what he's best at. Sandy said that she likes the regular position. She said that she doesn't go for the doggy position much but they have tried it. Larry goes for more than 5 minutes according to Sandy. Larry said that he can go for a long time.
Sandy said that she'll even get dressed up for Larry to turn him on. Howard then played one of Larry's other songs where he sings ''My Hillbilly Cock.'' Howard wrapped up with Larry and said that his movie ''Dirty Country'' is premiering at the Pioneer Theater in New York City tonight. Howard said that if Oprah got behind it, it could be huge. He suggested that he go on and perform ''Worthless Cunt'' and that should make him huge.
Larry is also going to be appearing at Arlene's Grocery which is a bar in the city. You can visit LarryPierce.com to get his latest CD. His old CDs were distributed at truck stops but the new one is on his web site.
Robin noticed that Larry had notes on his guitar. Larry said that was his set list for tonight so he went through some of the songs. That led to Larry singing his song ''Nymphomaniac'' that Howard wasn't familiar with. Howard said he didn't know that one but it was another classic. Larry said he always closes with ''I Like To Fuck.'' He has a list of 16 songs that he may or may not get through. Howard asked him to play another one for them. He broke into ''Ask Her For a Date.'' Howard liked that one as well. He figured that one was about his wife Sandy because he sings about how nothing but her pussy matters to him.
Howard gave Larry some more plugs for his movie and the appearance he's making. You can find out more info about Dirty Country at DirtyCountryMovie.com. Howard let them go a short time later and went to break.
Howard said that he was reading an article about singer Jewel who may have had a breast lift. Howard said that there was another story in the National Enquirer that says Eddie Murphy's ex-wife may have blown her whole settlement already. They just got divorced recently. Howard read through the article where they say that she may have lost it in a deal that she made for an internet jewelry scam.
Gary said he was reading the article and it says that this friend convinced the woman to let him be on the deed to her $6 million house. Howard said that he'd love to interview her. He said if the story is true, she must be the biggest idiot on the planet.
Grandma Caprio told the woman on the phone that she wasn't going to be able to tell any stories to Artie unless she's full Italian or her name is Dana. She wanted to tell a story but Grandma kept interrupting and Artie said that if she's really hot, he's going to be mad that she keeps getting cut off.
The woman on the phone, Stephanie, said that she is Italian. Grandma asked her if she dates blacks. She said she did so Howard was about to hang up on her. He eventually let her tell her story but it was boring so Howard was going to cut her off. Artie was still thinking she was hot so he didn't want to give up on her yet.
Howard hung up on Stephanie and Artie said that this really was starting to aggravate him. He said that he was trying to find out more about this chick and Howard hung up on her. Howard, still as Grandma, told him that she wasn't Dana and she wasn't right for him. Howard kept pushing the whole Dana thing but eventually gave up. Then Artie picked up the megaphone and went into his Beth impression. He told Howard he wasn't getting any tonight because he had cock blocked Artie.
Howard said they've gotten a lot of negative mail about Eric the Midget. He also read some about the distilled water stuff they were talking about on the show. The fans didn't want Artie to do that because it robs your body of minerals. There was some feedback about Greg Fitzsimmons being great on the show. The Frank Caliendo interview also came up in the mail and the fans seemed to like him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he rented Artie's movie the other night. He said he liked it and thought it was great. He asked Howard what's going on with Bubba the Love Sponge's contract. Howard said he knows that Bubba is still talking to the guys but he doesn't know all the details. He said he hopes they can work things out because Bubba has been there from the beginning. He said that Tim Sabean is working with Bubba so he asked him to come in and give an update.
Tim came in and said that things are progressing good and they should have an answer next week. Tim said that they want him and they love him so they're working hard on this stuff. The caller said he really loves Bubba on the show and he's hoping they keep him there. Howard said he agrees, he likes everyone working on his two channels.
Howard said that maybe Bubba will come in if he signs a new contract to stay there. That led to them talking about his weight and how he apparently doesn't care about it anymore. He's not watching the weight anymore.
That led to the guys making that click, click sound he makes when he's on the phone. Howard said he hates that noise and tries to ignore it when he does it. Artie did an impression of Jeff calling in and having nothing to say to them.
Howard said that Jeff is on his best behavior when he's around them and he'd love to know what he's like in real life. Robin said he's probably like the guy we saw in that show where they had him handcuffed to that poor woman. Artie said he's seen Jeff at comedy shows demanding drinks and sitting around doing nothing.
Howard took a call from Jeff and asked him why he gets so upset about this nonsense. Jeff apologized and said that he just wanted to give them an update on his ass. He said he's all healed up now and he has a double crack in his ass. Howard said that now he can concentrate on getting another infection down there.
Jeff said that the infection he had was from the inside out and he can't do anything about it. He said he got that from being in a wheelchair for two years. Robin told him he has to get up and move around once in a while.
Gary asked Jeff if he's going to go back to work. Jeff said he doesn't have a license so he can't. He doesn't have a bus route near him so he can't get around. Artie asked him what the hell he's doing. He said that's not good for his mental health and the job would help him be interactive with the world.
Howard asked Jeff to tell them what he did yesterday. Jeff said he played some games on the TV. Howard wanted more details and asked when he woke up. Jeff said he got up around 5:15, took a shower then he watched some TV until Howard came on. He listened to Howard on hold ''for two fuckin hours.'' Gary said that he's got nothing else going on so he shouldn't be that upset about sitting on hold for so long.
Jeff said he's put on a lot of weight sitting around. He can't even fit in his jeans and can't afford to buy anything new. Howard told Jeff that Robin has lost a lot of weight and maybe he'd fit into her old clothes. Robin said she's lost about 50 pounds on her weight loss plan.
Jeff said that he does have some fireworks there at the trailer so he could do that to kill some time. Howard told him that if he had one useable arm and hand, he'd never mess with that stuff. If he loses that one hand he's really going to be fucked.
Jeff was saying that he only wears Levis so he's not going to buy anything cheap. Howard said he had an ad showing that Target has them on sale for $19.99 and they were Levi's, not some cheap brand. Howard let Jeff go and said that he had to take a break.
Howard asked Daryl why his partner wasn't there. Daryl said that he's out in the woods of Colorado and he wasn't able to make it in today. Daryl said that he's living nearby up in the woods so he was able to make it down there to do the show. He said that he likes John and they're like brothers. He said that they don't hang out together though. He said that they don't really call each other very often either. He said that they'll talk when they have to go out on tour. They work together all the time so they don't need to do that other stuff.
Howard asked Daryl if they ever have conversations about anything but work. He said that they do that and talk about family and stuff. Howard asked how they met. Daryl said they were both 17 and they were both in bands at the time and ended up sharing rooms in college. They didn't start working together until they got out of college though.
Daryl said that they have written together and they also write separately. Howard asked him if it was amazing to him when they had their first hit song. Daryl said they started planning this stuff back in 1971 or 72 and it took a while before the first hit came. He said that Sarah Smile was their first hit. Howard said that was one song that he was going to perform today. Howard said that Sarah was a woman that Daryl had lived with for 30 years so he's written many songs about her. She actually makes money from those songs because she's credited as a co-writer on them.
Howard asked Daryl if he left her or if she left him. He said that life just changes and they had to move on. He said that he's still singing those songs to her though. He said that he thinks that she's hooked up with another guy by this time but he's not really sure. He said they haven't been talking much lately but they go through phases like that all the time. Right now they're not that friendly with each other.
Robin asked Daryl if he's got a new woman right now. He said that he's in transition right now so he doesn't have anyone. He said that he likes being alone but he does have some people who live near him. He said he never gets lonely living alone up at this house he has. He said he used to hung but he got Lyme disease and he's cut back on the hunting. He said that the Lyme's is really bad and it sucks. He told Howard he should worry about that because it is so awful.
Daryl said that he doesn't like to spend a lot of time in the deep woods anymore because of the Lyme's. He said that the ticks won in his case. He said that he doesn't go out on his four wheeler anymore or anything like that. He said he just found out he had it 3 years ago and he's just now getting over it. He said that he still has a weird day now and then but it's pretty much gone away.
Howard said that Daryl is right and they should have a war on ticks. Daryl said fuck that, they should get rid of all of the fucking deer. Daryl said that they should just say fuck the deer and fuck the ticks. He said that deer are 180 pound rats. Robin was surprised to hear him talking like that. Daryl said that every deer has thousands of ticks on them every year and they all carry Lyme's disease. Howard said he'd like to get rid of all of the sharks as well. Daryl thinks that more people are getting bitten by ticks than sharks so they should get rid of them first.
Daryl said he thinks Howard thinks that he's kidding but he's not. Howard said that he gets it, he knows just what he's saying and he's making a good point. Daryl said that people die from this Lyme's disease and it really sucks. He said he was lucky he survived and he knows people who thought they were going to die from it. It's really nasty stuff. Robin said she used to love deer but she hates them now.
Howard asked Daryl to try and sing Sarah Smile for them and maybe calm down a little bit. T-Bone was going to be playing guitar for him. They went right into the song a few seconds later. After the song Howard said he loves hearing that. Artie said that's a tough song to sing too.
Howard asked Daryl about writing the song. Daryl said that he was living with John and Sarah at the time he wrote the song. He said that she can't go into grocery stores these days because when she hears the song playing she cries.
Howard asked Daryl how many albums they've sold. He said that it's something like 60 million. Gary said that he had some stats and said that they had a ton of hits and they've sold 70 million records. Howard said that they must have made a ton of money off of all of that too. He wondered why the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has dissed them. Daryl said that it's all politics. He said that in the 80s people came up with stuff that was cool and what wasn't cool and they were deemed uncool. He said that they have to disrespect them to justify their own shit and that's why he's not in the fucking rock and roll hall of fame.
Howard said that Daryl is a real musician and he should be in there. Daryl said that there's a bit of reverse racism going on there and they call him ''Blue eyed Soul'' which is really insulting to him. Howard went on to say that the radio hall of fame won't put him in there so he knows what that's like.
Howard asked Daryl what he does with all of this money he has. Daryl said that he restores colonial houses and that's where a lot of his money goes. They spent a little more time talking about the hall of fame thing and how messed up that is. Daryl said that the newer bands out there actually respect what they've done, it's the older bands that don't.
Daryl was also saying that he thinks that video ruined the record business. He said that it was all about image after that. He said that the music industry is dead at this point too. He said that the record companies shot themselves in the foot and went wrong in so many ways. They ruined their own music and backed video. He said it was bean counters over art. They don't do things the way they used to and they tell their artists what to instead of letting them do their thing.
Robin asked if he likes what Radiohead did by putting out their stuff for free. Daryl said that wasn't right. That led to Daryl saying that he's doing some stuff on the internet now and people will be able to download stuff from LiveFromDarylsHouse.com. He does live performances and people can download them from the site.
Howard said that Daryl and John are going to be doing some shows there in New York soon. Daryl said that they're going out to do some other cities as well.
Howard asked Daryl if he's gotten laid lately. Daryl said that he does have visitors at his house so he is getting some. He said that he has no age limit and would go to someone as young as 18. He said the last woman that he had sex with was someone that he probably met backstage somewhere. He said it's tough to meet women because he lives out in the woods in a small town. He said that he does these meet and greet things that cost people $500 so he basically charges women to meet him.
Howard asked Daryl if he smoked pot and stuff like that. He said he did smoke a lot of pot but didn't get caught up in the hard stuff. Daryl said that they had a reporter from Rolling Stone try to out them as being gay one time but they weren't gay. He also said that he and John have had sex in the same room at the same time but not with each other. Robin asked if they ever did the same woman. He said that they may have but he really doesn't remember.
Robin asked Daryl how he works through cheating on his woman. He said that she was an amazing woman and she forgave him for what he did. He said that he never asked her if she cheated on him though.
Howard asked Daryl and T-Bone to do some ''Rich Girl'' for them and gave them a plug for the web site HallAndOates.com before they got into the song.
Howard told them the song was beautiful and asked how the song came about. Daryl said that he actually wrote it about a rich guy but changed the words because it didn't sound right as ''rich guy.'' Howard said he always thought that Daryl was more of a pretty boy but today he was dressed as himself instead of being all made up. Daryl said that the guy there today is the real Daryl.
Howard asked Daryl about his singing and if he has always been a singer. He said that his mother was a singer and he was able to sing. He said that he did get into a lot of fights as a kid because he was a singer. He said that he grew up in Philadelphia and that's why he got into the type of music he got into. It was a racially integrated type of town so that's why he was into that stuff.
Howard took some phone calls after giving Daryl a couple of plugs for his stuff. One guy said he didn't think much of Daryl before he came in but he turned out to be very entertaining. Daryl gave him a ''well fuck you'' after hearing that but then thanked him for the call. Howard asked Daryl if he's one of those guys that says his talent came from God. Daryl said that wasn't the case. He said he got his talent from his parents.
Howard said he had a song to play as they were going to break. It was a cover of a Robbie Robertson song called ''Christmas Must Be Tonight.'' It's on their new album ''Home for Christmas.'' Howard went to break after the song played through.
Howard took a couple of calls from people who enjoyed that Daryl Hall interview. One guy suggested that they give some of these people their own shows on Howard 101 on Monday nights. Artie said that Daryl was much different than he thought he was going to be when he met him for the first time. Howard said he was more Henry Rollins than a pop singer. Howard said he loves angry people like that. Robin said she liked him more and more as he got even more pissed off.
Howard said that John Oates was on the phone. It turned out to be Sour Shoes who was doing a John Oates impression. Howard had him perform a song for them. Sour Shoes went into ''She's Gone'' which was going out to Mr. X. He had Robin laughing as he was yelling out his song. Sour Shoes did a couple of songs for the guys and had them laughing. Howard eventually cut him off and took a call from Miss Black Howard Stern.
Charlie, Miss Black Howard Stern, asked Howard why he didn't ask Daryl about his face work. She thought he looked like he had a lot of work done but Howard and Robin said they didn't see anything on him when he was in there live.
Howard said that the company would have to make a big commitment to do that but he thinks that it would be great. He said that a laser during an eclipse is baloney. He wants something on the surface of the moon. Artie said that they said that the Mets couldn't make the playoffs... oops, bad example. Howard said he thinks that it would be a phenomenal promotion for them, especially if the merger goes through.
Steve said that they have a story about the fan who picked up the tab for Robin and Artie the other night when they were out. The bill was for $62 or so. Artie said that he took her out to dinner last week and it cost him $81. She had some wine that night so Howard ended up asking Robin about her diet and how she can drink wine on it. Robin said that it's not a diet, it's a way of living that helped her lose her weight. She can have a glass of wine.
Artie told Howard that it's really tough to walk past those cupcakes out in the hall today. It is Cupcake Wednesday after all. Howard went into his Grandma Caprio impression again for a minute before having Steve get back to his news.
Steve said that the preview of Artie's Playboy article is making it seem like he may be following in the footsteps of his idol John Belushi and Chris Farley. Howard went back into his Grandma Caprio impression and tried talking to Artie about that stuff. Artie tried doing his Beth impression but he sounded tired and wasn't doing much of an impression. He eventually got to Howard when he said ''I'm working on a new recipe, I want to have children chicken.'' He said that was the offensive one that got to Howard because he couldn't look at him after that.
The guys brought in some wigs for Howard and Artie to wear when they're doing their impressions. Howard put his on and went into his Grandma impression again. Artie put on a blonde wig and did a little bit of his Beth thing. He said he looked kind of like Dog the Bounty Hunter if he swelled up from something. Howard said that he really does look like Dog in that wig.
Steve said that Artie talks about how he almost died this year in that article in Playboy. Artie said that they saw that on the air. That led to Fred playing a song that Artie sang with his mom about all of the food he eats. They even had a video to go along with it. IT was the video of Artie eating in fast motion. Artie started laughing his ass off when he saw that video. He said it's so gross... He wondered if there's a woman alive that would love that mess. Howard said he had one, Dana.
Steve wrapped up his news preview and then Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll be going over the Daryl Hall interview, Larry Pierce's visit and many other things that happened on the show today.
Steve the Intern came in with his Intern Show preview. He said they'll be talking to JD who will be a special co-host on the show tonight. He said they'll be talking to JD about how he's unable to hook up with any of the interns. JD gets mad that all of the interns hook up but it never happens to him.
Howard asked JD (Fred doing his impression) why he can't get any of these girls. Fred did some mumbling and goofed on JD a bit. The real JD came in and said that he has had interns interested in him but the one that was had a boyfriend. Artie said that he should come up with a way to let the interns know that he pitches stuff to Howard every morning. They spent a minute talking to him about that before Howard had Robin get to her news.
The guys talked about that top 50 list for a short time. Howard said that it's a silly list. Jon Stewart is on the list and wondered if he's really a TV icon. Jay Leno was left off the list but Letterman was on it even though Leno gets better ratings.
Howard and Robin talked about some TV shows after Robin mentioned some of the shows that were in the top 5 watched. That led to Howard talking about how great this week's ''Heroes'' was. He said he loves that show but Robin said that the show isn't even in the top 20. Howard said he likes ''Smallville'' too but that wasn't in the top 20 either.
Robin brought up Teri Hatcher and that led to Artie talking about how saw her at an audition one time after she had done Lois and Clark and he remembered thinking to himself that her career was over at that point.
Howard came back from a break and said that next Thanksgiving they're going to have a 100 percent Ralph Free show playing. He said that on Howard 100 Ralph will be left in the replay, on Howard 101 they'll censor out all of the Ralph stuff. Gary said that they're going to work out a way that will let people tune in and hear the show happening simultaneously.
Howard and Artie said they'll be listening to the show with Ralph. The Sim called in and said that he'll be listening to the Ralph-free show. He said ''Fuck Ralph!'' before Howard let him go. Another guy called in and said that he'll be listening to the show with Ralph. Robin said she'll tune to hear the Ralph free show just to hear what it sounds like. Fred said he'll tune in to the Ralph filled show until he gets pissed off, then he'll change channels.
Howard picked up on Wendy the Retard but she didn't pick up right away. She was trying to hear the show on the internet so she could record it off the internet. Robin said that's amazing, she can do that but Artie can't even send an e-mail. Howard said he can't figure out how to record off the web either.
Wendy was calling in asking for money. She said that if she got some more money she'd leave him alone for a couple of weeks. Howard asked her why she never became a stripper to make extra money. She said that she might weigh too much. She said that she's over 230 pounds at this point. Howard gave her $500 courtesy of the movie ''The Mist'' but Wendy didn't sound all that excited. She said that's because she had a kitten climbing up her leg. Robin said the cat thought she was a tree. Howard said ''who wouldn't... 230 pounds.'' Artie said that's getting closer to what he weighs.
Ralph called in and said that he won't be able to hear this special show where they've edited him out. He said that they don't get the signal in Hawaii but he may be able to listen online. Ralph said he doesn't want to sit inside in Hawaii though. Howard thanked him for the call and had Robin get back to her news but then Jeff the Drunk called in and asked if they had anymore money to give away. Howard told Jeff that if he gives him money, he has to leave him alone for 2 weeks. Jeff agreed so Howard gave him $500 just like he did with Wendy the Retard.
Howard took a call from a guy who called himself ''excitable Joe'' and said he wanted to be part of the wack pack. Howard gave him about 30 seconds before he hung up on him. He said he was so excitable that he had to hang up on him.
Robin read through some more news stories and then Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw a picture of Stacy Keibler riding the Sybian. JD came in and said he saw the picture that the guy is talking about and it wasn't her. He said he knows her because he's got a poster of her hanging on his wall. Howard said that she looks good in that poster too. Robin said it's hard to miss hanging there in his office.
Late in the news Artie told a story about how he got a blow job from a stripper once and his friend told him that he thinks that she actually picked up a used condom and used it on him. Artie said he had red shit on his dick and he was afraid it was chlamydia. He said he told his friend about what had happened and his friend assumed that's what happened to him. Robin was reading stories about chlamydia and that's how that story came up. She continued talking about it and reading a story about how many people don't even know they have it.
Robin read through a few more stories and then Howard ended the show around 11:00am after Artie got in a few plugs for his upcoming comedy shows. Check out Artie-Lange.com for more info.
Howard started off the show talking about being up at 2 in the morning and how much fun he was having since then. Howard also asked Artie why he was wearing a hat this morning. Artie didn't have time to shower so he had his hair covered up. He pulled his hat off to show them what it looked like. Jason came in to get some pictures of him after that.
Howard said that it looks like he's doing okay with the hair thing because he hasn't seemed to lose anymore of it. He's 40 years old and still has a lot of hair. Artie said he still has it in the front which is good. Howard said that if Artie can't shave his head, he doesn't have the right head for that. He said that he'd look like Curly from the Three Stooges. Artie said that's exactly what he'd look like and he doesn't want to. He said it would be fun to run around all day making those Curly sounds though.
Howard said that Artie will lose the weight though. Artie said he doesn't know how to lose it with this schedule he has though. He said he went to bed after going to bed after 2 in the afternoon yesterday. He slept until 5:45 this morning. He said he could have slept for another two days if he could have.
Artie said he has to fly to Las Vegas tonight for a midnight show so that's going to be tough too. Howard said he couldn't do that. Artie said he has another two shows to do this weekend after the Vegas thing. ?HE said that he's not in a healthy way right now and he's not sure when to sleep. He said he's eating like shit and just not having a good time.
Artie said that he's back to seeing a bookie and they meet in a Burger King parking lot. That doesn't help. The guys didn't know he was back to betting so they asked him about that. Artie said he lost $8200 last weekend. He said he's making more than that this weekend but still. Artie said he won like 4 grand a couple of weeks ago.
Artie said that he actually slept in the shirt he was wearing and had the same pants on that he wore yesterday. He said he didn't know what to do.
Artie said that he was on Raw Dog Comedy yesterday and he saw Mitch Hedberg's wife over there. He said she looks really good but he remembers being worried about Mitch years ago when he was in a bad way with his heroin addiction. He said he was like 190 pounds and getting thinner and remembers thinking that Mitch and his wife were a mess. He said that she's got a calendar out and she told him that Mitch really loved doing Howard's show. Artie said that Mitch's wife told him that their lives just spun out of control doing the stuff they were doing and Mitch didn't get it together before he died.
Artie said that he's still thinking about this weight loss place that he's talked about going to. He said that's still up in the air though. Artie said he hadn't eaten anything since 2 yesterday so he had to eat his bagel. Howard let him do that and took some phone calls.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that this Eric the Midget movie is never going to get made. He asked Howard if he thinks that it's ever going to get done. Howard said that he has asked Eric to do it but there's no telling what he's going to come out with. Howard said he knows that Eric may have some odd demands but it could happen eventually. He's giving Eric a chance to do it.
The caller recognized the music that Fred plays as being from Dr. Who and he said he loves it. The guy was also saying that he hates all of these people that ask for money on the show but he needs some himself. Howard said he didn't have any left to give away. He told him to call Jeff the Drunk to see if he'll share the money with him. Robin said there's no way that's going to happen. Jeff won't share his money with anyone.
Another caller asked Howard if Artie could change that filthy shirt that he's wearing this morning. Artie said that he didn't even have time to slap any deodorant on. He said that he's pretty clean and it would take a couple of days before he starts to stink. He said that he doesn't believe that he smells that bad and if a woman came in and hugged him, he'd be fine.
Artie said that he's actually leaving the show and going right to the airport to fly out to Vegas. He was thinking about taking a shit before he leaves and how awful that's going to be. Fred told him to get some baby wipes and take a bath with those before the airport bathroom. Howard said that he'll force himself to shit before he goes in an airport bathroom.
Artie said that he flew to Germany one time and had a layover at Heathrow. He said they have showers at Heathrow for the first class passengers. He said he had to call his mom and tell him how nice it was over there. He said that they have everything you need there and it was sparkling clean. They throw away the slippers and all of that stuff. He was very surprised by that.
Eric said that he's working on the Oceans 11 thing right now. Howard asked him who his dream cast is. Eric said that he's got some ideas for a couple of scripts. Artie told him he has to focus on one thing, not two. The caller said that Eric doesn't even have 11 friends.
Howard got the list of characters that Eric sent to them. He wants to get John Cena to play a part, Paul London from the WWE for another part. Howard said he might be able to get some of the WWE guys. Johnny Fratto or John Stamos are another couple of people he wants to get for the movie. He had one of the guys from Heroes on his wish list as well. Diana Degarmo was on the list as well. He had a bunch of WWE guys on the list. Howard said that Eric wants Hayden Panitierre, Brooke Hogan and a bunch of other people for this movie. Howard said that it's probably doable but maybe not with all of the people he wants.
Howard said he can probably get Bob Saget to help them out and play a part. Maybe Danny Bonaduce, Screech from Saved by the Bell... Robin said that he sends people running from the screen though. Artie Lange is available. He said he'd do it if he could wake up on time and get to the set. Howard said that Butch Patrick and George Takei might be another two that he could get. He said that he could probably get some chicks to do the movie too.
Eric said that he was also thinking about Brandy Talore to play a part. Howard said that he could probably get Joan Rivers. Eric said ''no thank you'' to that one. Robin was thinking about the girl from Showgirls, Gina Gershon, to play a part. Eric didn't know about her.
Howard told Eric to get busy on the script because these callers are saying he's boring. Eric said that it will get done. He said he doesn't have a goal set for his movie yet though. Eric said that he's going to be going to sleep soon. Howard let Eric go a short time later.
Howard said they should call this 'Ocean's 2 1/2.'' He said it's going to be like a porno movie without the sex. They'll have bad acting and bad music.
Howard said he liked that Daryl wrote ''Rich Girl'' about a guy but changed it to ''girl'' because the guy thing didn't sound right. He thought that was very interesting and creative to hear something like that. He played some of that performance from yesterday's show.
After playing ''Rich Girl'' Howard and Robin spent a little more time talking about Daryl's interview. Robin said that she's always loved their music. Howard said that he thought it was interesting finding out about the Sarah Smile song. He didn't know the history of that song. He played some of that song as well.
Howard said he heard from Dana and she sent him a nice note about the Grandma Caprio thing they've been doing over the past few days. She said that she was actually very fond of Grandma Caprio when she was with Artie. She didn't discuss Artie with him though.
Artie said that this e-mailing shit is a blotch on society. He said that e-mail makes you stay in touch with people you would never stay in touch with. He said that he has friends still get e-mail from people they went to school with who are in prison now. He said that this Dana thing is kind of bothering him. He doesn't need those two talking to each other. Howard asked why he's not supposed to talk to someone that he had in his life. Artie said he really doesn't care, he's glad that they're staying in touch.
Howard said he would find it kind of odd if Artie and Beth started e-mailing. Artie said that she'd have to call him because he doesn't do e-mail. He does text though so they could do that. Artie said that she'd probably be listening now if she's listening. He said a few words to her like ''What's up Day?... I'm going to Vegas tonight... I might have diabetes soon...''' and things like that.
Howard talked to Artie about the A-Rod going out and becoming a free agent. He wasn't sure about his options now so Gary and Artie spent a few minutes filling him in on all of the details. They were saying that A-Rod's agent has been pulled out of the mix and he's now dealing with the Yankees himself. He's getting a raise but not the raise that his agent wanted. Artie said that he went out and tried to get 30 million a year but no one was going to pay that for him. Artie gave the guy a ''fuck you'' when he was talking about that. Gary thinks that the big story might be that A-Rod and his agent may have split. That would be a huge story if it's true.
Howard said he'd ask the same question if he was interviewing her. He said that he'd ask that question of anyone who is in Central Park at that time of night. He said that if you're recounting the woman's story, that's a question that would come up.
Robin said that it seems like Oprah is accusing the woman of being stupid for being in the park at that time of night. Howard said that your odds to increase by being in the park at night and if you're a woman the odds go up even more. He said that he doesn't think that Oprah was trying to hurt the woman or anything like that. He said he thinks that it's not an insensitive question at all.
Artie and Fred were saying that maybe they shouldn't arrest anyone who does anything illegal in the park if they're going to think the way Howard was thinking.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has to stop giving out the money the way he does. He said that leads to everyone calling in and asking for more money. Howard said that not everyone is calling in and asking for money. He said that he gets money to give away and that's what he does with it.
Another caller asked Howard if he ever uses a vibrator on Beth. Howard said they did in the past but he doesn't use it anymore. He said that Beth claims that he's pretty good in bed and he doesn't think that she'd marry him if he wasn't. Robin said she was reading a story about a woman who claims that her ex was terrible in bed and she wondered why she'd stay with him if he was so bad.
Howard asked Robin what she'd do if she met a guy who had a great personality, looked good and all of that, but then he sucks in bed. He wondered what she'd do if it was really bad. Robin said that she'd give him a chance and see if things could work out. She said that you can show them by not telling them and help them get better at stuff. She said that she's known people who have gone to other people for help in situations like that. Robin said that she'd do what she needed to do to keep the relationship going.
Artie said that he had a chick who told him that he wasn't all that great in bed and she couldn't stay with him. Artie said he wasn't giving it his all at the time and he knew that he was being selfish. He knows how to please a woman but it's a lot of fuckin work. He said that the first six months that he and Dana were together they'd do everything, but then by the end it was just a chore and he thinks that she hated it. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that Joe got into a civil case where some women were suing him because they were underage when they were filmed for the Girls Gone Wild stuff. Howard read that the judge told Joe, in a pre-trial, that if he didn't settle it right then, he was going to send him to jail. Joe's lawyer, David Houston, was on the phone so Howard asked him about this comment that the judge made. David said that the Judge isn't supposed to have anything to do with mediation but he did get involved in it when the mediators asked him to get involved. David said that the mediation went on for days and days and that's when the Judge came up with the jail thing for Joe.
Howard wanted to keep this brief so he wanted to shorten up the story. He said that the judge ended up sending Joe to jail for 35 days and he read that Joe had acted out in jail too. Joe said that wasn't the case. He explained what had gone on with the mediation and how the judge wasn't supposed to get involved with it. He said that the judge actually covered his tracks with this jail thing. He said that he as ordered to jail but he showed up four days late. He got some bad legal advice on that and that's what led to the civil contempt charge being changed.
Joe said that the girls were asking for $70 million but he's not able to say what they settled on. Howard said that Joe went into jail with some pills that were prescription pills. They slapped him with charges for bringing them into the jail with him. Joe said that this is the same guy who charged him with 71 felonies back in 2003 and the whole thing is shady at best.
Joe is in jail in Nevada right now so Howard wondered why he was moved out there from Florida. Joe said that he was indicted on tax evasion charges out there. He said he's glad he was moved because they have a vendetta against him down in Florida. He said that he was getting treated really poorly down there. Howard asked him why they have it in for him. Joe said he didn't want to go back there, he was ordered there to go mediate and then to go to jail.
Joe said that they were just about torturing him there. They were denying him food and prescription medication among other things. Joe had to get off the phone for a minute because his time was up. He was able to call right back in though.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to David about this stuff while Joe was calling back. David said that they had to fight to get Joe moved out to Nevada. They could get him out of that jail but if they do, he'll have to go back to the Florida jail. They granted him bail there in Nevada but then the Florida jail revoked the bail on the old case and this new drug charge case.
David said that they never searched Joe for the drugs when he went into jail and then they searched his cell and charged him with a bunch of felony charges. Howard said that Joe is in trouble because he mocks the people down in Florida who were giving him a hard time.
Joe was back on the phone so Howard told him that there's no winning a fight with law enforcement when you start to screw with them the way he was. He said that he has to sit quietly and just let things work out instead of goofing on the people involved with his case. Joe said he was just standing up for his rights, he wasn't goofing on anyone.
Howard and Joe spent a few more minutes talking about this. Joe said that he can't get out of this Nevada jail now because the Florida courts want him back down there. He said that OJ got bail and he can't get it. It's all very weird. Joe claims that when he was in the Florida jail he spent 60 days in solitary confinement and for 35 days he didn't have any reading material. He said he cried and screamed while that was going on. Joe claims that they paraded him around naked there in the jail and other prisoners would make fun of him and stuff like that.
Howard said that Joe claims he wasn't given toilet paper in his cell. He said that the guards would hold it back until a Friday instead of giving it to him. He said he had to use water and his hand to clean up back there. Joe said that this is revenge and it's proven because he's still in jail. David said that they're trying to get the whole case dismissed because of the way this whole thing was handled. He said they're trying to get a federal judge to overrule the hold on the bail down in Florida.
Howard gave Joe a plug for the web site MeetJoeFrancis.com where you can find out more about this. Then Dominic Barbara called in and said that he warned Joe about talking about these people back when he was on Howard's show. He said he knew that this was going to happen and he warned him about it. He went off on Joe about this and said he needs to have some common sense about this drug thing and should have known that he can't bring drugs in with him.
Dominic said that they don't like Joe and they have him right now. He has to figure out a way to comply with them and he can't be calling them ''Mickey Mouse'' and stuff like that. He said that this is going to drag out forever because there's no way to fight the system.
Dominic said that Joe should go down there and make a deal with them in Florida. He said he has to admit he was wrong and just end it. David said that Joe did roll over and did nothing and said nothing for four years. If he takes a plea, he's going to end up in prison for 40 years. He said there is no negotiation in this case and there is no way to work this out. Joe told Dominic to check out his web site and read the legal stuff over there. Dominic told David that he has to get Joe some local council. Joe said he has a local lawyer down there but Dominic was still trying to give him some advice and they weren't taking it.
Howard cut everyone off and asked Robin if she wanted to give Joe some phone sex. Joe said that he hasn't had sex in 7 months now and it's torture. Robin said he was having a great life before all of this happened. Artie said he feels really bad for Joe in all of this.
Howard took some phone calls but they weren't answering so Howard figured they were having phone problems. Artie said that he knows the arrogance that happens in jail and how Joe must feel. He said that Joe didn't do anything wrong in his opinion and they should just let him go. Howard wrapped up with Joe and David and gave Joe another plug for this web site that Joe has. David said that Joe didn't do anything for 4 years and they still came down hard on him. He said that it got worse and worse instead of getting better.
Joe had to call back in after his timer was up again. Joe was throwing some stuff out about his lawyer Roy Black who has been making some accusations about some of the people involved in this stuff. Joe said that this case is about people who are rogue and corrupt. Howard said that's his opinion and he might want to keep that to himself until he gets out of jail. Joe said he still hasn't been convicted of a crime and he can't get out of jail.
David said that they're trying to get a lot of people involved in this case like the governor of Florida and many others. They just started this stuff yesterday so they don't know what's going to happen yet. Howard wrapped up with Joe a short time later and told Joe that he doesn't think that he'd survive a day in those conditions.
Howard said that Joe is still going to be in jail after this phone call today. Artie said that Joe isn't a sympathetic figure in all of this so that's not going to help. Howard asked Joe if the Girls Gone Wild thing is still making $29 million. Joe said that he never talks about his finances. He told Howard that he's always welcome to use his jet if he ever needs it. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said that Joe is a guy who the guys in Florida don't want taping their daughters. He said he doesn't know all of the ins and outs of the case but it doesn't sound good to him. He said that it sounds pretty wild in this day and age to have all of this stuff going on. Artie said that the lawyers should be very competent because they're so well known so maybe there's something weird going on that they don't know about.
Howard had Lisa G come in after that. Lisa said that some pictures have surfaced on SternFanNetwork of Sal signing someone's testicles at a show. He signed then and kissed them. Howard asked Sal what the hell is going on there. Sal came in and said he remembered signing the guy's balls but he doesn't remember kissing them. He said he can't confirm or deny it. He said that he was at a party and people were cheering him on. He was probably drunk. He said he's really not gay. Howard told him that he is gay, he kissed a guy's nuts. Artie said that he would never kiss a guy's nuts no matter how drunk he was.
Lisa said that they have a new column in Sound and Vision magazine from Gary who picks his favorite gadgets. One of the gadgets is a DVD player that lets you play them throughout your house. It costs $27,000. Gary said that he watches a lot of stuff and he'd like to have it all stored in one spot. It was just a wish list that he put together.
Sal was running around in his Gary mask with a bunch of DVDs dancing around behind Gary as he was talking. Gary was throwing stuff at him as it was going on. Artie told Gary that it's not right to throw stuff at other people like that.
Howard asked Gary if he would watch the DVDs over and over again. Gary said he's not sure what he'd do. Howard suggested that he just rent the DVDs instead of storing them all in one spot. Howard said that owning DVDs is a dumb thing to do and he would never own something that costs $27,000 just to store DVDs in one spot. He went off on Gary for a few minutes about that and called him stupid for watching the same movies over and over again. Gary was going off on him about playing chess all the time and saying that was boring. Howard said that it's not boring and he's too dumb to see that.
Howard had Lisa get back to her news preview. She said that Joey Boots is out of rehab after just one week. He's apparently saying that it was a nightmare. He didn't sign everything that he signed and got sent to the psych ward at the hospital he was in. He said he's trying to get his life together by going to AA meetings and writing a comedy book. Lisa also said that Beth is in the paper today because she went to a movie premiere. Cindy Adams wrote up how she was covered in diamonds but Howard said she was just wearing her engagement ring. Lisa said she was also wearing the Cartier bracelet that he bought her. Howard said that bracelet is something that doesn't come off, it's locked on her wrist.
Howard wanted to know what Double A's problem is. He said that he's not even able to get put on hold for Howard to pick him up these days. Howard told him that they have a system there and if he has any respect for him, he'll respect the system. He said that Double A used to call the old show at K-Rock in the past and he had to go through the same system. He said his guys don't have it in for him, if his topic is good, they'll put him on hold. He said that he just whines when he can't get through.
Howard asked the guys who screens his calls out there. He wondered if Double A is calling in with boring stuff. Double A said that some of the interns don't have any knowledge of the show and don't let him through. He said that he'll might call through with something on topic and they don't let him through.
Howard asked Will what's going on here. Gary said that Double A called him and left a voice mail threatening to cancel his subscription. Gary said he might have him confused with Zolar though, he's been making the same threats.
Will said that the interns give him all of the calls and he hasn't heard from Double A lately. Double A said that's what he means and they won't let him get through to Will. Will said he hasn't heard from him in months and he doesn't know what's going on. Gary explained what happens. They have an 888 number that regular fans call through on and then they have another special line for their regulars to call in on. Will said that the interns will tell him who is on that line and he'd put Double A on if he heard from him.
Wolf calls in every day just about and he gets through on the 888 number. Wolf was on the line and said that he called in with the topic of Double A being a boring guest. Howard asked Double A when he last called in. He said that he called in yesterday and they put him on hold and he never heard anything. Will said he didn't hear anything about that.
High Pitch Eric called in and said that he can't take this stuff personally. He said that he doesn't give Howard a problem when he doesn't pick up his calls. Howard asked Double A why he came in to take up his time. Double A said that he's been doing this stuff for 18 years and he wants him to know that he can't get through. Howard told High Pitch to teach him how to get through on the line.
High Pitch told Double A to call in during the Haydn Porter sex tape things when she's on the line. Double A said he wants nothing to do with an 18 year old who is trying to get 5 minutes of fame using his name.
Howard asked Double A about the shows he's done on the channel. Double A said that Howard is his icon and he's learned to never give up on the stuff he does and he'd like to keep doing them. Howard wanted to ask Tim Sabean what's going on with that but Tim wasn't in today.
Jim McClure came in and told Howard that they wanted more than just Double A and Irish John as the Wack Pack when they did that show. They ended up doing other Wack Pack shows and the next one turned into something better. Double A said that was his show though and it all came about because of him.
Howard told Double A he was getting fed up with him talking about this stuff. He asked what he should do with him. Double A said that he thinks that he and Howard are ''bros'' but Howard wasn't so sure about that. Howard had to cut him off because Tim Sabean was on the line. Tim said that if Double A comes up with a good concept for a show, they'd definitely do it. He said he just hasn't had anything lately.
Double A said that he'd like Howard to mold him into what he does best. Howard said that he's never spent a second trying to mold him into anything. He has no desire to do that. Howard asked him why he's there today. He said that he's going to leave there today and go back to being in this hell of his. Double A said that he wants to be part of the show more and he'd love to sit in the studio once a week or something. Howard said that he's going to make his life easy. He told Double A to go chase his dreams, he has his permission. He's not sure how he can make him more part of the show.
Double A said that he'd answer the phones for free or something. Howard said that he doesn't want him up there. He said that Jeff the Vomit Guy is his protégé actually so he doesn't have time to handle another one. He told Double A that he never told him to get the tattoos of him or anything like that. He asked him to stop looking at him. He told him that Double A stands for Adios Amigo today.
Robin doesn't get why Double A is so upset about this stuff. He is part of the show and the channels. Double A said he's never done the Superfan Roundtable thing and he wants to do his own show. He said he came up with his own show idea and he wants to continue it. He has his own interview show.
Gary said that Jim was telling him that Double A is always talking about how great the Wack Pack is for the show and how he wanted to call Sam Simon to have some action figures made of them all. Howard picked up Mariann from Brooklyn who said that she's been paying for her SIRIUS for the whole time and told Double A told him that he has to back off of this and just sit back and let Howard do his thing. She said that she thinks of stuff for the show all the time but she doesn't get upset if she doesn't get it on.
Howard wondered what to do here. Artie said that he didn't know that he had never been on the Superfan Roundtable and maybe they should have him on there. Howard said that's up to Mutt. He said that Double A could shine on that show. Jason came in and said that Double A sat in with Jon Hein on the Superfan Roundtable. Double A said he never has. He said he's willing to do the show with Mutt but he's not going to ask to be on. Jason said he didn't know he had to solicit him.
Double A said that he and the guys like Irish John and Eddie the Produce Guy are always out there talking about how great the channels are. Irish John called in a short time later and said that Double A got tied up with a girl and he got a bit uptight but he's getting back to his normal self. Irish John said that he got tied up with the chick and she wasn't even that hot. Double A said that she was hot though.
Irish said that Double A was almost obsessed with this chick and always wanted to go out to where she was living when they went out. She was trying to play him and he eventually snapped out of it. Irish said that they all have his back though. Double A said that's why he says fuck love these days.
A caller asked Howard how this guy is in the Wack Pack because he's mind numbingly boring. Howard said he's not sure if he's even in the Wack Pack. Double A said that one of the criteria is that they have all the time in the world to listen to the show. Howard said that's just one thing though.
Artie said that the last show that Double A did wasn't so bad. They played some clips the next day and Howard was liking it. Bobo called in and told Double A that he can't get upset when they don't put him on the air. Double A said it's not about that, he can't even get through to Will.
Benjy said that a few weeks back Double A said that he had some tapes of that girl (Haydn Porter) having phone sex with him. He said that he had the clips but he hasn't produced them yet. Double A said he was advised not to go there with her. He said that he would look like the bad guy in the end if he brought the tapes in and he doesn't want to do that. He said he doesn't want to be known as this guy who brought on that stuff. He said that she e-mailed him pictures of herself naked before she was in Playboy. Double A said he doesn't want to go there with that. Benjy thinks he's lying about the tapes, so does Fred.
Fred said that he claims to want to be like Howard and he's not being honest right now. He told him to step up to the plate and bring in those tapes. Benjy said that he should play the tapes of her off the air if he doesn't want them on the air. Howard told him to play them for Benjy, not for him. Double A said that he will bring in the tapes off the air and play them for Howard.
Double A said that he still wants to learn from Howard but Howard told him he can't have him hanging around there all day. He said it would be creepy to have him standing there in the hall trying to learn from him. Artie asked if they want to have him sit in during the news or something. Howard ''who is he to sit in on the news?'' Fred said that Double A is looking for special treatment but he's puffing himself up to be more than he actually is. He doesn't need to be there in the studio.
Gary said that he loves the Mets and goes to many games a year but doesn't ask to be the bat boy. He asked him who he thinks he'd be better than sitting in on the news. Double A said that Hook Nose Mike sat in during the news one day. He didn't think it was that big of a deal.
Howard told Double A to put a tape together and go to a small town and try to get on the air. He told him he needs at least 2 years in a small market and then he can move on to a bigger market once he works that stuff out. Artie told him to go work on some comedy at a club or something.
Double A said that he's been offered some internet gigs but he doesn't want to do them because they're small time. He would love to do a radio show and be part of Howard's show. He wants to do the Howard 101 stuff. Howard said that he can't get rid of this guy and he doesn't know what to do. Howard said that if he wants to do something for the show, he can let Sal and Richard paint his face with their cocks. Double A said that's not happening.
Howard played a new Jack and Rod Show bit that Sal and Richard did with a guy who called in to promote his book about Al Pacino. They had the guy pretending to be Al Pacino even though he wasn't even authorized to write the book. They pretended to be callers and asked him personal questions that proved he wasn't Al and jerked the guy around for a few minutes.
Howard told Double A that he's looking for that kind of stuff on the show. Double A said that his interview show with Beth O was awesome and that was all his idea. Gary came in and said that the Howard 100 News team has offered to give Double A a chance to be a reporter for a day. Double A appreciated that and he's going to take them up on that.
A caller said that Double A is just begging for stuff now and he's tired of it. Another guy said that he's just about through with this idiot. He said that he somehow gave himself a fancy name and tattooed Howard's face on his arm and he's just a star fucker.
Richard came in and asked Double A if he wanted to sit in on the news and said that he wanted to poke his big nose with his pecker. Double A said that he'd punch him out if he came close to him. Sal went over and sat next to him and Double A warned him not to do anything because fists would start flying. Howard told Sal to get out, he doesn't need his help there. Richard wanted to poke him in the face but Double A said that he'd kill him before that would happen. Artie said he wanted to see that happen.
Howard took a call from Haydn Porter who Double A was talking about earlier. He told her to come clean for once and asked her to be truthful. She said that her claim to fame is not having sex with ''Double Anal.'' Haydn said that she did send naked pictures to him but also sent them to all of her friends. Double A said that she had phone sex with him and he claims that he has tapes of that. He won't bring them in to play them on the air though. He said that he was advised by someone not to play them on the air because he'll look like the bad guy. Double A told him that he doesn't want to look bad by playing tapes of an 18 year old.
Double A said that he knows her real name and he'll give that out if she keeps this up. Haydn said that Double A has the right to play the tapes if he actually has them. Artie said he believes him and thinks that he has the tapes. Haydn asked him why it's taking so long to get these tapes. He said that it's just a drive back to Jersey to get the tapes. Double A said that he doesn't want to play them on the air, he's not going there.
Howard asked Robin what the hell was going on here. She wondered what Double A said on these tapes. Double A sure as hell didn't say that he wanted to cuddle with her. He said that they just had phone sex. He didn't get into specifics. He said that this shit ain't made up in his head. Haydn kept telling Double A to play the tapes if he has them. She said that he's full of shit about the tapes and she wants him to come out with them if he actually has them.
Double A said that Haydn is putting him up against a wall and he may have to play them even though he was advised not to. He said his brother is the one who has told him not to go there. Howard said if he had the tapes, he'd just play them.
Haydn said that she's not sure how he'd get these tapes. He said that he has the tapes of her calling into his answering machine. Artie said he thinks that the tape exists and Haydn thinks that he won't play them for some reason because something will come out about it.
Haydn said that she's never had phone sex with him and she wants him to just get these tapes and play them. Artie asked her what he says on these tapes. She said she doesn't know! Double A said that he has no problem producing the tape but he doesn't want to bash an 18 year old on the air. Howard said that she's calling him out and he's turning that down. He asked him if he's a man or a woman. He said he's a man. He's got other things to protect. Howard said he's on Haydn's side until he hears the tapes.
Artie asked if he could hear the tapes at his house. Howard said he wants to hear the tapes himself. Fred told him that if he wants to be on the air, he has to play the tapes on the air. Fred also asked Haydn if she ever talked to Double A and wondered where he was going. Haydn said that he once answered the phone while he was getting a blow job. Double A said that she goes to a parking lot and fingers herself and she's a freak. He said that there was another girl involved in this tape that he doesn't want exposed. He said that he was with this other girl and Haydn got on the phone with her and it got a little freaky.
Howard said that Double A must say something really freaky if that's the case. Howard said that they want to hear the tape on the air. Robin suggested that they give him another show if he can produce the tape. Double A said that he's not going to do that.
Howard wondered if this is a case of Double A wanting her and her just not giving in. She said that Double Anal has a lot of stuff going on in his life and he plays a lot of mental games. Howard wrapped up with Haydn a short time later and let her go.
Double A was saying he'd rather be done with the whole thing and just forget about it. Howard said that he'll try to make sure that the guys pay attention to his phone calls from now on. Double A said that they're like his second family there. He asked if he could plug something on the show. He said that he wanted to plug this hair salon that a friend of his just opened up. Artie laughed when he heard that. Howard said that he's got to be kidding. Double A said that he's never plugged anything on the show before. He said it's the Posh Hair Salon in Fairlawn, New Jersey. He gave out the address and all of that before Howard went to break.
Howard moved on to Mike Walker who was ready to play his Gossip Game. He had him get right into it so here's how it goes. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Steve said that Big Foot is in court right now with his ex-handler going over some stuff. They also have a story about Bubba the Love Sponge and a Baltimore Orioles player he had on the show who called Baltimore a horse shit town which got him into some big trouble.
After Steve's news rundown Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Howard was about to get into it with him but he got sidetracked and said that there's this band out that's apparently huge in the Avant-Garde music scene. They sent in some of their stuff and Howard had to play it. Howard played some of their stuff and Artie laughed his ass off at it. Fred started to play some sound effects of a dolphin that sounded oddly similar to their ''music.'' Howard got a laugh out of that.
Howard played some their Avant-Garde music that they performed on the show last week. Howard said that they really should go to the Zs show and open up for them. That show is next Tuesday according to Richard. Howard said they should mix in some dolphin in their song too.
Howard played some more of this other band that he was talking to Richard about and asked him if he could get into it at all. Richard said ''no way.'' Fred threw in some more sound effects while they were talking about that. Howard noticed that Scott was in Robin's booth and wondered how his stand-up career is going. Scott came in and said that he was just kidding about touring with those guys but he may be going to the Cleveland show. Howard figured he's going to have to get permission from his wife to do that though. Scott said he's going to the show and he doesn't need permission. Artie said that Bob called him and told him that Scott is definitely in. Scott said he didn't hear that yet.
Benjy said that Scott actually asked him to write some material for him. That was after Scott said that Benjy is an asshole. Artie laughed and said that Scott has huge balls to do something like that. Howard said his head has been spinning since he heard that Scott had borrowed $500 from Benjy a few years ago. That led to the guys talking about that stuff for a few minutes. Howard goofed on Scott by doing an impression of him asking Benjy for the money. Artie was laughing his ass of hearing that stuff.
Howard asked Benjy what room Scott asked him in. Benjy said it was in Scott's studio. Robin said that Benjy was barely getting paid and he had a guy who has full benefits and pay asking him for money. Howard asked Benjy how it went down. Benjy gave him the details and Scott basically told him that his son may not be able to go to college if he didn't come up with some money.
Benjy said that Scott also asked him to borrow his apartment one time. He said it wasn't for banging a chick or anything. Scott said he didn't want to talk about that. Howard couldn't believe that Scott had turned on Benjy after he did all of that stuff. Scott said that he honestly doesn't know what Benjy is talking about. Benjy wrote it down but Scott didn't want him to bring it up. He didn't remember him asking for whatever it was that he wrote down.
Howard and Artie were both laughing at Scott and how he was jealous of Benjy's life. They found that very amusing. They talked to Scott about the comedy show he wants to appear at and the guys don't think he should have anything written for him, he should just do it off the cuff.
Ralph called in and said that Scott is a complete asshole. He said that he asked the guy for money then he bad mouths him the other day and then asks him to write jokes? He said that he's the biggest asshole he knows. Scott told Ralph to go suck Sam Simon's balls and told him that he's just as big of an asshole as he is. Ralph called Scott's son stupid so Scott went off on him saying he'd kick his ass if he came in there and said stuff about his son. Ralph said he'd come down but he's flying out to Hawaii today.
Richard said he's scared for the hecklers at the Cleveland show. Scott said he's not going to fight with the audience members. Ralph said that he thinks that the audience should throw stuff at Scott. Howard said that was going too far and Scott said he's not going to go if he's going to incite the audience to do shit like that.
Ralph said that he can't get the Artie Christmas Song out of his mind so he asked them to play it today. He also asked Artie to redo the song with his mother live in the studio, not on the phone like she did for that song.
Artie asked Scott if it would be easier for him if he stayed out on stage with him when he does his thing in Cleveland. Scott said it would be easier. Artie said he'll do like 45 minutes and then bring Scott out and then close the show. He said that the audience should be able to tolerate that for 45 seconds or so.
Howard asked Scott what he's going to be doing that night so Scott did a little bit of material. He said he's going to let the audience ask him questions. Artie said you can't rely on that though. He needs more stuff. Scott said he'd answer questions about Howard and things like that. Richard thinks that he should do 5 minutes of material and just barrel through it even if the audience is giving him a hard time.
Howard did some material in his Scott the Engineer voice. Artie suggested that they just have Scott stick his head out through the curtain at the show. Howard continued to do his Scott impression and goofed on him for a short time. Then they brought up the story about Scott leaving about $500 in cash, from a gig he did one time, on the roof of his car. He drove off and the cash was gone. Artie told him he should tell that story on stage in Cleveland.
Artie said that this show in Cleveland is on December 7th. you can find out more about that at RevBobLevy.com
Sal came in and told Howard they left it up to Double A to do the call. He said they kept telling him to go for the punch line but there wasn't one. Howard played more of the call and Double A just kept going telling the woman that he had spent a beautiful night with this woman Maria in Italy. Howard gave him a ''what the fuck'' when he was listening to it. Gary said that Double A called the woman back to get consent and he stayed in that Italian accent when he did that. He didn't want to play that on the air though.
Jon Hein got back to his Wrap Up Show preview and mentioned some of the other stuff they'd be covering today. Howard let him go and had Robin start her news.
Howard said that there was a judge who sued a dry cleaner over losing his pants and he's just lost his job. Howard said he was glad to see that because the guy was abusing his power. He was suing over a pair of pants for $67 million.
Howard said he got a letter from a girl who has a crush on Artie and claims she looks a lot like Beth O. She said that she's afraid that Artie would be creeped out by going out with someone who looks like that. Howard showed Artie the picture and Artie said she's beautiful. The woman didn't want the pictures on Howard TV or on his web site. Artie was impressed and said that she's pretty but doesn't look like Beth. He said that she's a different kind of pretty. Howard said he'll have her down if he wants to meet her. Artie said ''who wouldn't want to meet her.''
Another woman wants to date Benjy and sent in pictures of herself. He showed those to Benjy. The woman likes Benjy's voice and thinks it's sexy. She thinks that he could fall for her too. She doesn't live in New York City but does visit. Benjy said he hears that from women all the time that he has a sexy voice. Artie and Benjy may double date with these women.
Howard wondered if Artie is considered ''morbidly obese.'' Fred looked up the definition and Artie would be considered morbidly obese. Artie said that there's a very good chance that he's going to gain weight over the Thanksgiving holiday. He also said that the guy who wanted to go to the fat camp has backed out. He said that guy wants to do some kind of cleansing with him. Artie said that's kind of gay though.
Robin read through some more stories and talked about the OJ Simpson case, the Writers Guild Strike and a few other things. Howard wrapped up the show around 10:40am.
Comedian Artie Lange was sitting in this morning. First thing Howard brought up was the Polaroid film company. The other day he had a discussion about how they had filed for bankruptcy and that he was sorry to see them go. He wondered what people were going to do about instant film if that company went away. The people at Polaroid called up the show and told him that even though they've filed for bankruptcy, they'll still be around. Howard said he was happy to hear that because people will still be able to use instant film for pornographic pictures and stuff like that.
Howard said that Paul seems to be a really great guy who has the ability to love. He said he must be a saint because he's able to appreciate what he has. He said that he meets a woman and falls in love with her and sticks with her for a long time. He said it's truly remarkable that he can do that.
Robin said that Howard is making up all of this stuff about him in his mind, he doesn't know what his relationships are really like. Howard said he does know from people who knew Linda McCartney. Robin said that's only what they knew of her life, they didn't know everything.
Gary said that he found out that Paul's least favorite remake of a song was Elvis Presley's remake of ''Yesterday.'' Howard played a little bit of that cover and talked about how it wasn't the worst cover he's ever heard. He said it could have been much worse. He asked Gary to remind him to replay that for Paul when he comes in.
The guys talked about some other things they knew about Paul. They talked about some of the songs that Paul owns the rights to, his kids and how they were raised and more.
Howard said that when you go to a strip club you have to do things differently than you do when you're in a regular relationship. You don't just throw money at the chick like you do in a regular relationship. You have to ''crank your yank'' before you go to the club because you don't want to get too excited. He said that you won't be so crazy to get touched if you do that. Howard said that guys lose all of their money because they're trying to get something going with those chicks. They went to break a short time later.
A phone caller told Howard that he really likes Artie Lange on the show but he thinks that when he appeared on the TV show ''Norm'' the show ''jumped the shark.'' Howard then said he was kind of worried about that because Artie has been on a couple of bombs and maybe he's bad luck. Artie didn't know what he was talking about. He was on MAD TV and that's still on the air. Howard thought it was off the air. He was on ''Norm'' and poor Norm Macdonald's career has gone down the toilet since then. Artie was also in one of David Spade's movies that bombed.
Howard was talking about the cancellation of the Emmy awards because of the anthrax scare that's been going on lately. He said it's ridiculous for them to cancel them over this stuff. Every other TV show has gone on to do their thing and they should just go with it. No one is going to attack the Emmy Awards.
Howard took a call from a woman who told Robin to quiet down a little bit during the Paul McCartney interview because she can talk too much sometimes. Another caller said that he heard a report that people die of the flu every year and the anthrax has only killed a couple so far so there's nothing to worry about.
Howard said he finally got to watch the new TV show ''Smallville'' that aired earlier this week. He said the show was really good. Robin said she can't wait until next week's episode but she said Superboy's powers are too controlled. She thinks that he should be learning how to use his powers in the show. Howard agreed and said that the one thing that didn't seem right was the fact that Clark Kent had to use a telescope to look at the stars and spy on Lana Lang. Howard said he has super vision so he shouldn't need a telescope.
Howard had another F-Emmy Award to give out. The category was Foulest Mouthed Celebrity and the nominees were:
Howard took a call from a guy who said that had an article about Ozzy where he thought he was kind of bad mouthing McCartney. He read the article to Howard and it was actually Sharon who had some negative things to say about him.
Howard talked about James Gandolfini for a short time. He said that he should just stick to that part and no try to do other things like this new movie of his called ''The Castle.'' Howard said Gandolfini is going to leave The Sopranos and have an awful movie career. He's great at the head of the Sopranos but that's the part he should stick to.
Howard was going to go to break but Fred played some ''Hey Jude'' and Artie started singing along to it. He knew all of the lyrics. Howard said he's heard the songs many times and even he doesn't remember the lyrics. He tried singing along to it but he wasn't having as much luck as Artie was. Howard said he thought that song was about his son Julian but it didn't make much sense.
Howard said he'll have to ask Paul about that song too. He's got tons of questions for him and he's going to have to write it all down so he doesn't forget. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard heard a commercial this morning for this product called Longitude. They claim it'll make your penis larger in just 30 days. Howard said he was thinking of trying it out but he's not sure if he's going to. He played the commercial back and talked about how sexy the woman's voice sounded. In the commercial she talks about how size does matter and Howard said he knew that was true. He said his girlfriend tells him his is fine but he knew that she probably wanted bigger.
Vinnie Favale called in and said that the stuff doesn't make you longer, it makes you ''larger.'' Howard thought he was on it but Vinnie wouldn't say he was. He said that he was just listening to the commercial and what they say in that. Howard thought she said it makes it longer but Vinnie insisted it was ''larger.'' Howard replayed it and she says ''one inch larger.'' Howard said he's seen Vinnie's penis and he doesn't need anything. He said they were at a strip club in New Orleans and he looked over at Vinnie at one point and he was naked. Vinnie said that was a very strange night.
Vinnie said that he was dying not being there for Paul McCartney. Howard said they had to keep him out after he ruined the Ringo Starr interview. Vinnie said that he sent along a bunch of notes about him but Howard wasn't all that impressed with the info he sent.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he took those pills that Howard was talking about and they did nothing. He said that they even tell you to pull and tug on your stuff at night to help it grow. Howard said that he does that to himself already anyway.
Howard had Brian on the phone and said he knows he wasn't looking for a prize or anything. He read some notes about the guy and found out that he was a paramedic and he won some award for saving a mother and baby. Brian told Howard about how he saved the baby from being stuck in a car that had crashed. He said the mother wasn't able to save the kid because she had a broken arm and some other injuries. Howard said this guy has balls, he could never do that stuff. Howard said that's why Brian has the award and he doesn't.
Brian said he didn't win all that much money on Card Sharks. Howard said he saw the show and he thinks that it was rigged. The guys spent a few minutes talking about some other game show hosts that they like. They brought up Louie Anderson who was hosting The Family Feud. Artie did an impression of him and goofed on his voice a little bit. He and Howard said that he's really funny but he doesn't care about his look or anything.
Howard gave the guy a TiVo unit as reward for mentioning his name.
Howard found out that Ozzy likes to use a lot of Viagra. Ozzy said something about 15 pills and Sharon said that he sucks on them because he likes the taste. Ozzy said he's an addict and he likes the taste of medication, that's why he sucks on them.
Howard couldn't get off the subject of Sharon's weight loss. Sharon told Howard about the procedure she had done and how it's safer than having your stomach stapled like Carnie Wilson had done. Howard thought she had some other surgery done on her but she said she wouldn't do that at this point in her life. She just lost the weight and Robin said she didn't even recognize her out in the hallway.
Howard spoke to the two of them about their sex life too. Sharon said the last time they had sex was probably a month ago but Ozzy seems to think it was even longer. He told Howard one story about going to Japan one time with Sharon. He got so wasted when he got there that he forgot that Sharon was there so he went out and got himself a Japanese woman to bang. He got back to his hotel room and his wife was there. She knocked the Japanese woman out and smashed a picture frame over Ozzy's head.
Some of the stuff Ozzy was saying had to be interpreted by Sharon because he tends to ramble and mumble quite a bit. It was very amusing. Howard wrapped up the interview by taking a phone call. The caller told Howard that Ozzy's new album was great. Howard then played a bit of the new single and then took a commercial break so he could get to Paul McCartney.
The excitement in the studio was very high when Paul showed up. You could hear it in both Howard and Robin's voices that they were thrilled to have Paul there.
Paul told Howard that he has heard and seen his show on occasion. He said he'd listen in his car once in a while. His limo driver actually told him not to do Howard's show because he's so nasty but Paul decided to give it a try anyway.
Howard said that Paul must be one of the most loving guys in the world because he stayed with Linda so long. Howard seems to think that Paul could have had his choice of any woman but he stayed with Linda for 30 years. He claims that he was with her almost every day of his life from the time they were married until Linda died. The longest period he stayed away was when he was arrested in Japan for marijuana possession. He spent a short time telling Howard about that experience and how he thought he was going to be serving 7 years hard labor over there. Paul also told Howard he got his ''rock star'' lifestyle out of his system before he met Linda so he was ready to settle down with her. He also said everything was different with her when he met her.
Howard also questioned Paul about Yoko Ono and how she actually met him before she met John Lennon. Then she claimed that she didn't even know who the Beatles were. Paul said he couldn't say too much about Yoko because he could get in trouble with her. He did tell his side of the story though and it sounds like Yoko knew exactly who the Beatles were before she met John. Paul said that life's too short to worry about stuff like that though.
Howard asked Paul why he wasn't involved in the John Lennon Tribute that took place a few weeks ago. Paul said he had other things to do and he also thought it would be a little weird for him to be there singing the songs. Howard also brought up how Julian Lennon wasn't invited to the tribute. Once again Paul didn't want to get into that whole discussion in public.
Howard asked Paul what he thought about the rumor that their manager gave John Lennon oral sex at one point. Paul said that his theory was that it never happened. Paul said that whenever he saw John, whether he was sober or not, he was always with a woman.
Howard brought up Paul's current fiancé Heather and asked if his kids are still upset that he's going to get married. Paul said they've come around recently and they're not upset about the marriage. Howard seemed to think that the kids would be upset about losing their inheritance to their stepmother but Paul said he told them that won't happen. Paul also told Howard how he has tried to raise his kids like normal kids. He sent them to public schools so they'd grow up without being spoiled rich kids. He wanted them to experience real people so they'd respect them like he had to do. Paul told Howard that 15 months after Linda died he met Heather and he felt guilty that he was going with another woman. He said he walked around alone and asked Linda to give him a sign if it was okay to be going out with this other woman. He said he heard an owl hoot and he took that as a yes.
Michael Jackson's name also came up. Michael owns the publishing rights to the Beatles songs. Paul said he used to have a good relationship with Michael until he got the publishing rights. After that Paul said he wrote to Michael asking him for a raise on his royalties but he doesn't ever get an answer so he doesn't have much of a relationship with him anymore. He finds the whole situation ironic. Paul does own a lot of publishing rights to a lot of songs. He said he got advice from his father-in-law when he got married to Linda. He suggested that Paul invest his money in a music publishing company and that's what he ended up doing. It took all of the money he had at the time but it's paid off in the long run. Paul said it was very risky but he lucked out.
Howard has heard over the years that Paul would sometimes play drums instead of Ringo on some of their songs. Paul said that sometimes that would happen and no one else in the band would hold it against him. He said he'd sometimes play some of George Harrison's guitar parts too if he thought it would help the song. He said the other guys were cool with it.
Howard heard that Paul disliked Elvis' cover of ''Yesterday'' so he asked him about that. Paul said that he doesn't hate any of the cover versions of their songs. He said that the Elvis cover was funny because he screwed up the lyrics at one point. Howard played him a few clips from the cover songs from Ella Fitzgerald, Bing Crosby and William Shatner. They all got a few laughs out of the songs.
Howard plugged Paul's new album ''Driving Rain'' which comes out November 13th. He also played the new single that Paul has coming out called ''Lover to a Friend.'' The proceeds from the song will go to the families of the police and fire department employees who were lost in the September 11th tragedy. Paul said that he was sitting in an airplane on the runway getting ready to fly back to England when the tragedy happened. He could actually see the smoke from the World Trade Center out the window of the plane. He's also playing a concert this Saturday that will also go to help those lost in the tragedy. Howard took a few phone calls including one from Vinnie Favale who was upset he wasn't allowed in the studio today. Howard told Vinnie earlier in the show that he ruined the Ringo Starr interview recently so he didn't want him doing the same to Paul's interview. Vinnie asked Paul a couple of questions and Howard cut him off. After the phone calls Howard let Paul go and took a break.
Vinnie Favale called in and told Howard he did a great job with the interview. They spent a minute on that. Then Double A called in and told Howard how great that interview was and how great this day was for the Howard Stern Show. Howard wondered if there was anyone out there who didn't know who Paul was.
The naked car wash girls, Taylor and Sky, that were on earlier never made it in during the interview so Howard brought them in to check out their car washing abilities. Howard heard that one of the girls was calling Paul McCartney ''Paul McCarthy'' so he started talking to her about other things. He asked both of the girls a few general knowledge questions like:
Howard talked about how someone at Dan Rather's office had contracted the anthrax virus and played some news clips about that. They all spent a couple of minutes talking about that. Howard also talked about how he was listening to Rush Limbaugh the day before and how he doesn't hear his guests at times. He's apparently losing his hearing and Howard said he feels bad for him. He said he can't imagine what he'd do if he started to lose his own hearing.
Howard had Robin start her news a short time later. She read through a bunch of stories about the anthrax threats that they've had lately. She went through a few other stories. Howard took a call from a woman who asked Howard if he thinks it's safe to send her son on a field trip to a news station in Cleveland. Howard told her he thinks that the kid will be okay, terrorists aren't sending anthrax to news stations in Cleveland. She said she wasn't going to send him because she is kind of paranoid. Howard said he likes that people like that call him for advice on stuff like that. They wrapped up the show a short time later, around 10:20am (Master Tape Theatre time).